# Breaking up the neighborhood?



## Crushed7 (Feb 29, 2012)

I'm looking for input about picking my family up and moving after discovering an affair with a neighbor. I think it is the right thing to do, but am looking for validation or things to consider.

I found out a month ago that my wife has been in a physical affair with a neighbor and my "good" friend for much of 2011. I've been married for 21 years and have 3 kids (a freshman in a community college, a Jr in high school and an 8th grader). The other man has been married for 18 years, has 2 kids that have been good friends with my kids. All contact has been severed, but, living only 5 houses apart, we still end up crossing paths. My wife claims to want to work on our marriage and, although my trust is shattered, I'm willing to give it a shot.

While that alone is enough to deal with, my parents live in another state and one of them has late stage cancer. We had been considering moving them closer to us. Given the current circumstances, I don't see that as a viable option and I am considering moving us closer to them.

When I was growing up, my parents went through years of considering separation/divorce and there was a move involved during my teen years. I ended up with my mom for a year and then with my dad for a year. The entire situation was not good for me and I hate to think that I'd end up damaging my own kids. I also realize that not making the move could potentially screw them up more.

I fully understand that a move doesn't truly "fix" anything. My wife, my kids and I have tons of therapy to go through. My wife and I have work to do in identifying/fixing what opened our marriage up to an affair and in putting the pieces back together. I just believe that separating would go a long way in helping with the healing/recovery. My thought is that I set the direction now for my family to move out of state to where my parents are and start the process of figuring out selling/buying a home, schools for my kids, jobs, etc. Thoughts?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I can totally understand you wanting to move. It's bad enough to deal with triggers but having a reminder, the OM, that close in proximity to where you LIVE has got to be sooo incredibly hurtful. 

Do you want to stay married or not? How did you discover her affair?

You said your neighbor is married. You need to tell his wife about the affair (without giving any warning to your wife or the OM). She has a right to know the truth.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your idea is very reasonable, especially if you're going to be away for trips to your parents.

Have you contacted the OMW and exposed the affair to her so that she knows and is able to watch her husband while you're away to ensure no more contact?

Moving is a good idea in situations like this, just like leaving a job if the affair partner is at work. It won't happen over night so you need to have the OMW working with you to ensure there isn't any secret contact still happening while you prepare to move. IE- one last one for the road.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and I am sorry to hear about your sick parent. Best wishes.


----------



## maddecent (Feb 27, 2012)

Yes, as Shaggy said, does the OWM know? I'd make sure she knows, that should at the very least keep the leash on the affair until you sort this out. I'm sure she's going to be pissed.

Do you own or rent? If you are just renting there, then yes. If you own, that puts you in a really rough spot.

Having all those triggers nearby and daily, man, that's rough. I really feel for you. That just sucks the bag.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

At one month post D-Day, your emotions are still too raw and you really shouldn't commit to divorce, or reconciliation, quite yet. It would be very inconvenient for you to move your family to another state, then discover that you can't forgive your wife, and divorce her.

That means having to pay two real estate commissions on houses, pulling your kids out of school twice in rapid succession, and a mess of other issues.

I would say to stay put until you have a clear picture of what you want, and what your wife is willing to do. Have you been snooping on her to ensure that she hasn't moved the affair underground?

If you end up deciding that you want to reconcile, and that your wife is willing to recommit to your marriage, then a move may be what's best to achieve that end. It will be hard on your kids, but when one spouse has an affair, the entire family pays the consequences.

Good luck.


----------



## Crushed7 (Feb 29, 2012)

The OMW does know. We had confronted my wife and the OM on having an emotional affair a few months ago thinking that we were curbing things at that point, not realizing that it was already much deeper than that. However, my wife and the OM just became more secretive and cautious (or, in some cases, not cautious enough) and the OMW was the one who ultimately "caught them".

Both my and the OMW's radar is fully up. All emails, phone records, activities, etc. are under close watch. Even so, the OM has tried to slip around boundaries to make basic communication/contact with my wife on a couple occasions. While I haven't had a face-to-face confrontation with the OM in the past 4 weeks, my anger level makes me fear that I'd end up in jail if I got close to him. It all makes me more resolute in establishing distance. 

Unfortunately, we own our home as this point, so things won't necessarily move quickly. Changing jobs or getting a transfer within my company might not be easy either.


----------



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I can understand that you believe moving may be the best idea, and it may be in the end. But for now, your emotions are every where. I agree with PHTlump. Good luck.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What has your wife said? What has she done to restore your trust?


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Have you exposed to the OM's wife? Have you and your wife been tested for STD's? She had sex with your next door neighbor for a year behind your back? Did she have sex with him in your home?

What has been the consequences to her actions? Why was she willing to humiliate you and your marriage? In the back of her mind was she willing to cheat on you because she knew that you would want to recover and forgive her anyway? How did you found out and what was her reaction when you did?


----------



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Crushed,
I have been dealing with a similar situation. My wife had an EA with a neighbor and we also have a neighbor that was a toxic friend to the situation. Being just a few houses down it has been near impossible to keep no contact. The triggers have not been good so we are in the process of moving across town. I would recommend moving if at all possible, even if it is just to another neighborhood. Staying here has not brought peace of mind to me. Your home should be a place where you can relax and have peace of mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Crushed7 said:


> The OMW does know. We had confronted my wife and the OM on having an emotional affair a few months ago thinking that we were curbing things at that point, not realizing that it was already much deeper than that. However, my wife and the OM just became more secretive and cautious (or, in some cases, not cautious enough) and the OMW was the one who ultimately "caught them".
> 
> Both my and the OMW's radar is fully up. All emails, phone records, activities, etc. are under close watch. Even so, the OM has tried to slip around boundaries to make basic communication/contact with my wife on a couple occasions. While I haven't had a face-to-face confrontation with the OM in the past 4 weeks, my anger level makes me fear that I'd end up in jail if I got close to him. It all makes me more resolute in establishing distance.
> 
> Unfortunately, we own our home as this point, so things won't necessarily move quickly. Changing jobs or getting a transfer within my company might not be easy either.


Then yes - you do need to move. Rent your current house and rent a new house in your new place, but you frankly won't be able to continue to chase him away forever.

Though maybe you should first determine if your wife really in going to R with you. She already took it underground after the first confrontation - how do you really know she isn't doing it again?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How long did the affair take place? How is your wife reacting to the whole situation? What steps has she taken to show you that she hasn't taken it further underground? (Detail it as much as you can. The more detailed, the more helpful the forum can be)


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Crushed7 said:


> Even so, the OM has tried to slip around boundaries to make basic communication/contact with my wife on a couple occasions.



The important part here is- how do you know this?

Did your wife come to you and tell you? (and ignored his attempts to fish) Or did you find out on your own?

If it's the latter then R is not going to go well


----------



## Crushed7 (Feb 29, 2012)

@PHTlump

Both my wife's and my counsellor have indicated that making any major decision within a year of uncovering an affair is typically not advised, so your comments are spot on. 

@Lone Star

You are right. My emotions are on a roller coaster. It would be ideal to let things settle out.

The complicating factor is my parents. It seems that my dad has a year or left to live. My mom isn't capable of supporting herself. Being an only child, I'm the one who needs to step up on this one. I wish I had the year to let things settle, but I really don't.

If I look at things realistically, it is going to take time to go through all the logistics of selling/buying a home, figuring out the job, etc. If I had a wish, it would be to be able to make the transition during the summer so that my kid's school year wasn't fractured.


----------



## Crushed7 (Feb 29, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> The important part here is- how do you know this?
> 
> Did your wife come to you and tell you? (and ignored his attempts to fish) Or did you find out on your own?
> 
> If it's the latter then R is not going to go well


She told me. I was actually out of town as my dad was in the hospital and she let me know about what happened, what her response was (she had a small failing that she owned up to), etc. 

The information made it back to the OMW as well. From what I understand, things aren't going so well on that front as he has continued to try and deny/conceal things.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You need to make clear what's expected of your wife for you to R


I recommend you click the welcome newbies link in my signature and I recommend that you tell your wife you need the following in order to consider continuing to reconcile and if she ever breaks it again then you file:


1) No Contact- again if he tries to contact her, she tells you of it right away and she ignores his attempts

2) complete transparency- all passwords given to you, if you want to look at her phone she hands it over without complaining, she informs you of her whereabouts at all times, checks in with you as much as possible
(at the same time without telling her you need to get spy equipment in place if you don't already, keylogger, VAR's, etc)

3) She needs to be 100% remorseful- that means no trickle truth, blameshifting, or gaslighting. She does the heavy lifting and does what you need to start regaining trust. She takes ownership of the affair- the marriage may have had problems pre-affair but the affair decision was all hers to make. There is no excuse for her poor decision.

4) spend 10-15 hours a week of alone time for just the two of you so you can rebond.


----------



## Crushed7 (Feb 29, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How long did the affair take place? How is your wife reacting to the whole situation? What steps has she taken to show you that she hasn't taken it further underground? (Detail it as much as you can. The more detailed, the more helpful the forum can be)


Alright, full disclosure. While the OMW discovered the physical affair, she did not inform me -- my wife did a day after the fact. My wife has, seemingly, been honest about what happened, what is happening, etc. She has been sorrowful about the affair, but, in reality, a good portion of that is grieving the loss of the OM, her "best friend" (the OMW) and the relationship between our families. She has been honest about that too (it hurts like hell to hear, but it is honest). In my opinion, my wife has met the minimum requirements to show some progress, but not a ton more. 

I'm very technical (my job is in software), so everything is now monitored. Her iPhone has iMessage disabled now (FYI, Apple's iMessage protocol may be cool, but it also means that any Apple to Apple messaging doesn't show on the cell bill as a text message). I'm checking her web traffic, especially for access to any web based communication or email site that I wouldn't know about. All of her email accounts cc to a separate email box that I have access to. All that gives me some level of insight to whether she is continuing the affair or not.

What really makes this complicated is that this isn't our first time through marital issues. My wife has been told she has a "love addiction" because she has had more than one emotional affair during the course of our marriage and this seems to be a pattern with her. This latest affair was exactly that -- an emotional affair to her liking -- but the OM had his own designs for pushing it and much as possible into physical territory. Having said this, I am not certain that our marriage can/will survive. I certainly am not up for taking any more of this. The only way I see of our marriage having a chance is for her to totally admit to the situation she is in (which she has done), but then backing that up with continued efforts and actions that show she is serious about change and a full commitment to our marriage (which I'm still waiting to see).

In the end, moving is a relatively small part of the overall picture. My wife is deeply engrained in the town where we live -- she grew up here, her parents and only sister (who, by the way, has had 2 affairs of her own) live here, etc. What that also means is that men who she has had emotional affairs with still live in the area. Part of me thinks that if she isn't willing to move, she isn't willing to truly face up to the consequences of her actions and isn't willing to commit to the marriage.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her this today:



Crushed7 said:


> I am not certain that our marriage can/will survive. I certainly am not up for taking any more of this. The only way I see of our marriage having a chance is for her to totally admit to the situation she is in (which she has done), but then backing that up with continued efforts and actions that show she is serious about change and a full commitment to our marriage (which I'm still waiting to see).
> 
> Part of me thinks that if she isn't willing to move, she isn't willing to truly face up to the consequences of her actions and isn't willing to commit to the marriage.


----------



## Crushed7 (Feb 29, 2012)

bryanp said:


> Have you exposed to the OM's wife? Have you and your wife been tested for STD's? She had sex with your next door neighbor for a year behind your back? Did she have sex with him in your home?
> 
> What has been the consequences to her actions? Why was she willing to humiliate you and your marriage? In the back of her mind was she willing to cheat on you because she knew that you would want to recover and forgive her anyway? How did you found out and what was her reaction when you did?


The other man has HPV. Supposedly, since that was a known quantity, intercourse and oral sex were "out of bounds". We've been down the testing path, but HPV, being a slow developing virus could still catch up to us at some future point.

Part of this is my own fault and I fully admit to it. I saw enough conflict in my home growing up and rebelled against it, but took it too far. I have been too loving and forgiving while not raising conflict when I should have. As a result, despite previous emotional affairs, she hasn't suffered many consequences so she, obviously, has been able to repeat the cycle. For my own self, raising conflict and establishing boundaries are key to my own healing. 

Having said that and going back to my original post, moving seems to be part of my own healing process as well as establishing boundaries. The affair took place in our neighborhood and the OM continues to live 5 houses away. Things did take place within my home and there are painful memories which now seem attached to this place. Previous emotional affair OM live in town and we run across them from time to time, but this latest affair has resurrected past hurts. The town, neighborhood and house all seem "contaminated". 

I want a clean start. I want to feel that I am not trapped in my wife's world, in her town where she grew up, with her parents (who had 2 daughters who both have had multiple affairs). I want to be there to support my parents as my dad is in the final portion of his life. I'd like to have my whole family with me (kids/wife), but my wife's actions/decisions will have a role in determining if that happens. Does this make sense? I understand that my emotions are up/down, but rationally it seems to be a step that would be good for me, for her if she commits to it and a statement to our kids that Dad is standing up to this **** in the belief it is the best thing for all of us.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Crushed7 said:


> What really makes this complicated is that this isn't our first time through marital issues. *My wife has been told she has a "love addiction" because she has had more than one emotional affair during the course of our marriage and this seems to be a pattern with her*.


Then your wife MUST seek therapy to resolve her "love addiction" otherwise it is only a matter of time before she finds herself involved in another affair.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Or finds herself divorced.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

All things considered I would move. Get that fresh start. Your wife's actions have caused this. If you want any chance to reconsile and to be able to trust her at all, I think you have to move.

Rent your home. Get outa Dodge. She needs the change as well.

I cannot imagine having to go on business trips under these circumstances. You really do not have NC right now. Not with them five houses down.

All that said, I would probably be divorcing and selling the home. But if I wanted to give R a chance I would move out. ASAP.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would move. I don't think I would take the wife with me. She's the one making these choices to cheat, not some addiction that renders her not accountable. She chose to cheat. Oh. And she chose to cheat with a guy with an STD. Lovely.

Move, but leave her behind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Crushed7 said:


> My wife has been told she has a "love addiction" because she has had more than one emotional affair during the course of our marriage and this seems to be a pattern with her.


You're using a bucket to bail a sinking ship. You're married to a self confessed serial cheater. A person who's had previous affairs and went a step further with this one to only exhibit sorrow for the loss of their cheating partner should be the final nail in the coffin.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just asking--- how will this affect your son who is a junior in high school? Not saying you shouldn't move or anything, but what horrible timing for a kid to start his senior year in a brand new place.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Not a simple question about a junior in high school. Not only is his education and social life impacted but he is a young male who needs most of all to feel he has a strong father. That is most important. He knows intuitively that you are the model for him. So weigh that in.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

apparently, she hasn't learned a damn thing, considering she had previous ea's. now she "ups the ante," by engaging in physical relations with your neighbor.

now, you have to watch her like a hawk. i bet you don't have to watch over your own children like this.

you and the omw have opened a daycare center for your spouses.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The other man has HPV. Supposedly, since that was a known quantity, intercourse and oral sex were "out of bounds". We've been down the testing path, but HPV, being a slow developing virus could still catch up to us at some future point.


Yeah, right. I mean, she did prove that she can make rational and sensible decisions like having an affair while in a marriage. Why would she make a horrible decision like having sex with a guy with HPV and expose herself and her husband to STD's?.

I don't believe it for one bit. And don't people with HPV usually continue having sex with condoms unless they have an outbreak?(I am not sure about this)


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

warlock07 said:


> Yeah, right. I mean, she did prove that she can make rational and sensible decisions like having an affair while in a marriage. Why would she make a horrible decision like having sex with a guy with HPV and expose herself and her husband to STD's?.
> 
> I don't believe it for one bit. And don't people with HPV usually continue having sex with condoms unless they have an outbreak?(I am not sure about this)


They are all ahead of me, I wan't even aware a man could be tested for HPV. Last I heard there wasn't a test LOL


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

ugh....the std's. need i say more?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"The other man has HPV. Supposedly, since that was a known quantity, intercourse and oral sex were "out of bounds". We've been down the testing path, but HPV, being a slow developing virus could still catch up to us at some future point."

How was it a physical affair?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"The other man has HPV. Supposedly, since that was a known quantity, intercourse and oral sex were "out of bounds". We've been down the testing path, but HPV, being a slow developing virus could still catch up to us at some future point."

How was it a physical affair? How do you know he has an std? Did his wife corroborate that?


----------

