# Arranging a marriage . . .



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Okay, just kidding! 

But if you were going to arrange a marriage for one of your children, how would you go about doing it? What would you look for? What would you advise your child to be on the lookout for?

Any thoughts/musings welcome.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I would certainly not pick who my child would marry, because love is the most important factor in marriage, but I would most definitely tell her to find a man of God. I believe that God hand picks the one a person should be with, and He knows her heart best of all. As far as qualities, I would tell her to look for someone who is mature, responsible, attends/attended college, has a good foundation, is nice to her and others, treats his mom/sisters great, and pursues her to a large degree.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

My father’s mother & father were an arranged marriage. Gramps died b4 I was born but I talked to my grandmother about it. WWI had just ended then there was nothing in her county for her and she was sent to the states to be a bride. She did not meet her groom until 2 week b4 the wedding. She told me that he was a good man to her and that both of them learned to love the other.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cool question JLD!

My oldest daughter is getting married in the fall and she picked the perfect person for her! They each bring different strengths and weaknesses that compliment each other. They are both very intelligent and extremely well read. My daughter tends to be like her father with passive aggressive tendencies but her STBW is a total enabler! This is something we talk about often, my future DIL and I. Luckily, my daughter is aware of her PA tendencies and owns them. As she works on that my DIL works on her enabling. They really are great together.

My middle daughter... I would pick someone for her who was not as driven as she is. She needs someone to keep her grounded. She never asks herself, "Can I do this?" She thinks it, decides to do it and doesn't stop until she's done it, no matter what it is. So she needs someone who can put some brakes on her yet not rely on her to get himself going. He needs to not be threatened easily and be very secure in himself. He needs to be good looking and live a healthy lifestyle like she does. 

I am always on the lookout for my potential future sone in law! So watch out men of TAM! Yenta Pink is on the scene!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I am always on the lookout for my potential future sone in law! So watch out men of TAM!* Yenta Pink is on the scene!*


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Okay, just kidding!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Depends on the kid's personality. If he/she is middle of the road then I would have few qualms about such a setup. If the kid is like my girls.... I would be leery to say the least, and concerned in general.

That's where professional matchmakers make their money... You will need to know both families and a lot of background but it's doable.

I would put extra emphasis on income and family to make sure if things go challenging they can pull thru.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would have the witch doctor read some chicken entrails and offer his spiritual guidance, then I'd try to get as many goats or cows as I could for my daughters.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I would have the witch doctor read some chicken entrails and offer his spiritual guidance, then I'd try to get as many goats or cows as I could for my daughters.



Cows - goat is much harder to cook


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I would have the witch doctor read some chicken entrails and offer his spiritual guidance, then I'd try to get as many goats or cows as I could for my daughters.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Arranging a marriage from a historical / cultural perspective is tricky business. From what I remember seeing , there were a lot of compatibility tests and comparison going on behind the scenes.

Wealth , personality , reputation , education ,social class , beauty , and astrology played a big role . Both families were basically planning the future of their kids.

Basically , the same things that the average person considers when choosing a mate for themselves, but maybe we do it in a different order of importance.

Arranged marriages have been happening successfully across cultures for most of history , but we tend only to focus on the negative stories . I don't think that the failure rate of arranged marriages is any different than the Western construct of courtship / dating .


If I had to arrange a marriage , I would probably use the same considerations and replace the astrology part with temperament or complementary personality type.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> Okay, just kidding!
> 
> But if you were going to arrange a marriage for one of your children, how would you go about doing it? *What would you look for? What would you advise your child to be on the lookout for*?
> 
> Any thoughts/musings welcome.





> *Caribbean Man said* :* If I had to arrange a marriage , I would probably use the same considerations and replace the astrology part with temperament or complementary personality type.*


I feel very similar...I am BIG on compatibility...I feel we all have strong desires in certain areas...(one could even call us selfish in those ways)...and it is best to hook up with someone who has very similar selfish desires as we do... that way, we'll just get along better!!.. When I say this.. I am meaning decent responsible "well meaning" people of course..

As ...every personality is so very different and it often takes another...many times with opposites strengths & weaknesses...to compliment who we are (I know this is very true in my own marriage).... 

But also they will need so much of that "physical chemistry" going on ....Respecting each other ....and having similar life Goals, something that needs talked about thoroughly... the closer their love languages are to each other...another plus...

I would not want to arrange ...but just Prepare them realistically ..to understand their own needs...what they have to offer another...teach them to be "*self aware"* in all things.....and also to the pit falls that can befall them when they ignore the early red flags of incompatibility ..and to understand what their own personal deal breakers are as well....as they grace perspective partners.. 

In this thread, I laid out all the areas I feel a couple should KNOW before walking down the aisle.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Compatibility is overrated 

My parents had absolutely nothing in common. Awesome marriage. Me and my wife. Only thing we like is art and education. Nothing else. My older girl and her sort of long distance significant other. Absolutely nothing in common, going on 4+ years. 

What matters is how you resolve conflict, not whether you have no conflict.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How do you, personally, resolve conflict, john?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In a healthy situation, a long winded discussion where the issues are laid on the table and dissected. Compromise as needed but make sure solution has buy in and is best for everyone.

With my kids, I spend more time to get them to see the desired outcome and also to listen to their concerns. Case in point. Older girl GRE prep. Get her sister to tutor her first then class. Win win.

In an unhealthy situation, it's a free for all. Manipulate or obscure as needed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Originally Posted by john117
> Compatibility is overrated
> 
> My parents had absolutely nothing in common. Awesome marriage. Me and my wife. Only thing we like is art and education. Nothing else. My older girl and her sort of long distance significant other. Absolutely nothing in common, going on 4+ years.
> ...



I agree with the conflict..to suggest compatibility is important is not to say a couple never fights, that is not even possible -in my opinion...

How very important that things are resolved without a climbing resentment, or "stuffing"/ burying...

...According to John Gottman, marriage relationship researcher..." negative interactions are balanced by positive ones in stable marriages. The dynamics of the balance between negativity and positivity are what separate contented couples from discontented ones."...explaining the 4 styles here"...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

My parents weren't compatible at all... and it was a walk in hell...she didn't even love him though.. when my Dad married my step Mom.. it's like they were meant to be -due to that compatibility...the yin & the yang was working beautifully.... (and I say this even though I was a casualty of that divorce..and hated her for a time)

Here is the thing, those that aren't that compatible -likely do not care about spending lots of time together...probably have lots of other things going on in their lives...and that lifestyle works for them.. 

That wasn't how I envisioned marriage...No, my heart yearned for a soul mate.. 

I could NOT be with someone who didn't have similar life goals , or view Transparency like I did, or even sex.. ... I wanted a Best friend, someone who wanted to grow with our children..someone who wanted a larger family, someone who couldn't stand to be in debt... Also someone who wanted to live in the city would be a deal breaker for me ...just as an example... I would resent someone who found a "touchy feely" person annoying also, would never work for me. 

Husband looked at life very similar, I do attribute compatibility to *our success*...(can't speak for anyone else)... our conflict resolution style even plays into that compatibility.. we both can't stand to be mad at each other..so we haggle it out till it's resolved.. this works for us.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'd pick someone who has never been spoiled but not someone who had to fight hard her whole life.I want her to be appreciative of things but not bitter. He's kinda laid back so he'd need someone a little more energetic and motivated to keep him going. Not TOO extreme bc he'd hate her. Probably a gamer chick with a sarcastic sense of humor and cute style that isn't too glam. Someone who knows how to communicate without yelling and screaming bc that mess shuts him right down. 
She'd have to be somewhat introverted to be compatible with him but the type of introvert who really shines when she's around people she trusts. There has to be a streak of independence there too so he doesn't walk on her. She has to be able to speak her mind. 

That's all I can think of right now  He's only 12 so it's tough to imagine what he'll be like and what he'll be into when he's an adult.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I could NOT be with someone who didn't have similar life goals , or view Transparency like I did, or even sex.. ... I wanted a Best friend, someone who wanted to grow with our children..someone who wanted a larger family, someone who couldn't stand to be in debt...


I agree with you and john that conflict resolution is important. I think common values are, too. 

Dh and I are opposites in some ways, but we have similar core values. I think the real draw is that he has a super deep sense of commitment. And this can only come from rock solid inner security. I just don't think I can do anything to shake that. I am loved and cared for and committed to in spite of anything I may say or do. And that frees me to be whoever I want to be. I am safe.

And on TAM I am learning that I really do have power in my life. I am not powerless, even if I have felt that way. I can use my power to make myself healthier. I don't have to wait for dh to tell me how to do it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

For my daughters I would pick someone with my personality traits but not my job. They are such different and distinct personalities that they will marry very different men. I just hope they are at least honest loyal and able to communicate. Most things can be worked out so long as those traits are there but would prefer they do not become or marry cops, firefighters, military, ems workers.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I do think the Romantic Marriage concept in lieu of the arranged marriage is much better in that you get to date for an indefinite timeframe to see if you are compatible. You get the opportunity to get to know the family that you’re marrying into so you get a real perspective on where your prospective spouse came from.

For arranged marriages, I can see good and bad by letting the parents (who are supposedly are more mature and wise) doing the analysis versus the kids making decisions based on pure emotion. But, is this an advantage? And do kids make decisions based on pure emotion? I know I did not. I actually just used my gut feelings but did rely on some logical criteria that I developed through dating many girls leading up to my wife. When I met her it was like a breath of fresh air – she was first, just so beautiful to me; she came from two loving parents (and actually her grandparents where wonderful and had had long marriages); she was athletic (she was on the dance team in college – the ones that perform at football and basketball games); she was a Christian and her parents and grandparents active in the church (important to me although I was a brand new Christian and really was not raised in church), and most importantly she was very faithful to me – while she had a very bubbly personality and other guys were consistently asking her out and flirting with her – she was very upfront and honest about it and would not hide anything from me. If she would have ever strayed – I think I would have turned 180 and ran as I was just so insecure back then.

So while we do not get to arrange the marriage of our kids, we have been able to influence by the example that my wife and I have set. We also basically brain washed our girls – they could recite the order of things by the time they were five years old – go to high school and date different guys; go to college and get a degree – get a job – THEN GET MARRIED. Both of our daughters know that my wife was a virgin when she got married and we stressed that she was very fertile in that each time we went off the pill - that next month - pregnent - so don't even think about unprotected sex unless they want a baby while in college.

My oldest daughter is 21 and has two years of college left. She has now met THE ONE. She informed me this summer that they are going to get married (after college). I have spent minimal time with him – but, he seems to be very respectful – he calls me sir (yes sir / no sir) and I have told him he does not have to do that but he insists. From the looks perspective he looks nothing like me – you always think that your daughter would seek someone who looks like their dad – but, not mine. This guy is a DIV I college football player that plays center – he is HUGE and could break me in two. He has a beard and looks like the Duck Dynasty guys; he has tattoos on his arms (which are bigger than my legs.) He can squat close to 700 LBS. I find out his parents are divorced – within the last few years – and his mother comes from serious money. The mother and grandmother do like my daughter – but the son has been told that the only way they will consent to the wedding is if he is a pre-nup. I have had to bite my tongue on this one – so far I have done alright. But, I have told my daughter that she would be crazy to sign such a thing. To me, the parents should just delay any inheritance until the son is at least in his 30’s. But, I know in the end it is her decision. My daughter does understand that the only way that I will give her away is if the groom asks for my permission to marry her – so we will see how that goes.

My youngest daughter is 18 and just broke up with her high school boy friend who I liked. He was very similar to me and we really liked his parents. But, she just did not love him. I would have picked this guy for her if it was my choice – so I guess if we were operating on the arranged marriage program – we would have picked someone who she did not love and how bad would that be? I think she would have been loyal but to me she would have missed out on the type of love that my wife and I have had the pleasure of experiencing - and you only live once so how bad would that be?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The family plays a bigger role than the individual when it comes time to socially network thru marriage, or what we called in the village, "marry up".

DD22's bf of 4 years is an ok kid, engineering student, multi-ethnic & multi-racial, but your typical adolescent / young adult. Average in many respects. 

But his dad is a CEO (honest to goodness 1%'er), wildly educated parents (Sorbonne mom ), connections in DD's field of work, and they are smitten with DD. 

DD even sent him back to our local university to be with his family and focus more on his studies after two years together in her out of state college. 

His extended family is incredibly well connected and many are nationally known in their fields. So you can see where it's headed. 

After marrying with wife's family sight unseen I'm not letting my kids do the same mistake. 

Her #2 choice will likely get drafted in the NBA next spring but he's too focused on that to worry about anyone else for now... Plus his family is also awesome from what the media reports


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Aspydad, I would never marry a man who allowed himself to be controlled by his mother and grandmother. Or anyone else.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John, sounds like your older girl will be the mom to that first young man. Some women like that role.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

She will. Sorbonne mom is awesome but their family is jld sized  and with the dad traveling as much as Dug it's hard for her to keep everyone in check. (Three boys all 19-24 and a girl 17). Their tuition bills alone are mind boggling, not to mention their grocery bills.

They almost broke up last year over DD's constant nagging of him to focus on his school. Eventually he saw the light and transferred back to our state where a couple of his brothers are studying. That actually worked well. 

He's a project in many ways but a worthwhile project


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Like I said, some women like that. Just does not appeal to me.

_It takes all kinds to make a world . . ._


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

But you were older when you met Dug right? Not 18 and in high school 

At 18 like it or not all of us are projects!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> But you were older when you met Dug right? Not 18 and in high school
> 
> At 18 like it or not all of us are projects!


Some of us are projects way past 18. 

Some gals are fine carrying a guy. Some guys were probably meant to be carried. If they are both happy, no problem.


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