# When it's sexless: ladies, what are you hoping for?



## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm currently in the makings of what will probably be a sexless marriage. While my specific problem would obviously involve a lot more explanation and background, that isn't what I'm looking to figure out. 

What I want to know from you ladies is, when you're in a standoff with your husband:

1. What is it that you hope to gain? Ie, if you're emotionally unhappy, is the lack of sex your way of telling him that he needs to figure out a way to make you happy? Is there a component of revenge involved sometimes? Do you want him to suffer? 

2. Do any of you worry about infidelity because of the lack of sex? I'm not saying that it's justified, I'm just wondering if you guys worry. 

3. If you believe he's at fault, are you willing to bite the bullet and be the one to try to fix things? I'm guessing the overwhelming answer to this one is no. 

4a. If you're currently in this situation, what would it take for you to forgive him and get back to it? What would he have to do and typically how long of an "adjustment period" would you need? 

4b. If you had this problem in the past and got over it, what was the situation and how did you get over it? 

Sex standoffs are certainly one of the most frustrating things in the world for both sides. I'm sure both sides would love nothing more than to be happy emotionally and consequently physically. 

This is just barely even scratching the surface, but I'd love to hear from some of you ladies about this maddening situation!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

When I broke my neck, the first 3 years was very difficult to deal with. I had my surgery, but then I had the severe pain to deal with, which I still have today. I've learned to accept what it is and with the support of my husband, move on with my life the best we could.

My husband is a very patient man. We would go 1-3 months without sex, he would ask and I would decline. When we did have sex, it was disconnected sex without passion. This was all my fault!!! 

Then months went by where my husband just quit initiating all together. It was at least 8 months before I finally realized what I was doing and we had zero sex. My husband has ALWAYS put my needs before his. He never held any resentment towards me. Then I finally realized how much effort he was putting into our marriage day after day. He's a fabulous husband and father. My husband does his best everyday to make us happy!

My drive actually kicked in full gear. It's currently higher then his. I could have sex 3-4 times a day and would be on top of the world! This is what woke me up. I had absolutely no idea what sex meant to a man, ever! It wasn't until I started reading up on it and then I found this site.

I apologized to my husband for the last 11-12 years for anytime I turned him down. He actually said that he understood why. 

I know my story is a little different and I am now disabled, but I'm not dead. I've changed my whole attitude and we sat down to have a nice long talk. I brought back the passion. I initiate every chance I can when I'm well. It's not often where he needs to initiate anymore. 

I now put in as much effort into our marriage as my husband. I frequently tell him thank you for the things he does. I tell him I appreciate the efforts he puts fourth into our marriage frequently. 

We've always have had a very strong and happy marriage. It's even stronger now that we have this special bond with each other. I need affection, he makes sure he snuggles with me nightly holding my hand. I finally realized that oral is important too, but I can not do it long due to my neck herniations. We use it as foreplay.

If my husband would of sat down and told me how important sex was, I would of tried harder in the past to please him. He never wants to hurt my feelings. We now have no problems opening up and communicating.

One thing that makes our marriage strong is communication, compromise and no nagging from both sides.

I do pray my drive stays like this for a long time, especially after menopause. It won't be too much longer before I start that. I desire my husband very much, as he does me.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

Thanks very much for sharing that. Talk about making the best out of an unfortunate situation! I am really happy for you guys and it sounds like you were both willing to do your parts to turn it around. I think you can see that in other parts of your relationship too (no nagging, compromising)...it probably helps a lot that he's patient and was still willing to work hard at your marriage every day even though he wasn't getting any reciprocation.

The hardest thing for me is that I don't have that infinite patience. I don't need instant results either, but I do feel like it's equally on both partners shoulders. In other words, I don't know how long I could go being the one having to do the conceding and being tolerant until one day my wife miraculously changes her outlook. It could be that that day doesn't come...or it comes after the children are born...or after many years have passed...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I have posted something about this before, but to summarize my own personal view of women versus men and sex:

Sex for a woman is an act of vulnerability. At the core level, there needs to be a level of trust, respect, and emotion. women are probably more likely to feel used if an element is missing. 

1. What is it that you hope to gain? Ie, if you're emotionally unhappy, is the lack of sex your way of telling him that he needs to figure out a way to make you happy? Is there a component of revenge involved sometimes? Do you want him to suffer?
If a woman is emotionally unhappy... it's hard to let yourself be "vulnerable" if you feel like your body is being used (there is no emotional connection). Goes against the core of being the woman \ nurturerer \ protector of children. 


2. Do any of you worry about infidelity because of the lack of sex? I'm not saying that it's justified, I'm just wondering if you guys worry. 
Depends on your history. And if trust is one the core elements missing. Back of the mind thoughts... YES

3. If you believe he's at fault, are you willing to bite the bullet and be the one to try to fix things? I'm guessing the overwhelming answer to this one is no. 
Depends on the person. But if there is a lack of sex, then I would assume communication is missing in the first place

4a. If you're currently in this situation, what would it take for you to forgive him and get back to it? What would he have to do and typically how long of an "adjustment period" would you need? 
The core elements of trust and respect would need to be there. That takes time.

4b. If you had this problem in the past and got over it, what was the situation and how did you get over it? 
talked it over, spent more time dating, working on intimacy to rebuild a comfortable environment


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

My wife has chosen a sexless marriage with me for her reasons and it took me a long time to adjust.

Several marriage counselors, many conversations, etc never changed anything because she feels the way she feels. I am hardly perfect but who is?

I have often wondered what she was hoping for (as that is the topic here) but after talking with her endlessly and through marriage counselors, etc she admitted that she really wasn't hoping for much..it's just the way she feels. She has always had a low sex drive so I guess it wasn't such a leap for her.

It's funny because after all this time, I now no longer have much of a sex drive either...I guess it rubs off on the other spouse after awhile! She doesn't mind if I watch porn or chat online, etc which is great because even I need an outlet every now and then..lol


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What is an anorexic hoping for? It's kind of the same thing.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> My wife has chosen a sexless marriage with me for her reasons and it took me a long time to adjust.
> 
> Several marriage counselors, many conversations, etc never changed anything because she feels the way she feels. I am hardly perfect but who is?
> 
> ...


How do you like it? Did she discuss it with you? or, did she just make the decision on her own? Is there some sort of terminal illness or other handicap possessed by her that prevents her form accommodating you?
If not, then YOU my friend are not in a marriage. You are only being used to provide financial security for her and nothing else.
LEAVE


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

hookares said:


> How do you like it? Did she discuss it with you? or, did she just make the decision on her own? Is there some sort of terminal illness or other handicap possessed by her that prevents her form accommodating you?
> If not, then YOU my friend are not in a marriage. You are only being used to provide financial security for her and nothing else.
> LEAVE


It took awhile to get used to but I am fine now. It just sort of happened and I cannot really explain why. I am in a good place at this point in my life now and it no longer bothers me at all. It's funny because I never thought I would achieve happiness but I've come to the realization how sex is not nearly as important as I thought it was (versus other things in my life such as my toddler, etc).

As for financial security to her, I kind of have to laugh only because she is also an attorney and probably earned more than me this year given her billable hours. She definitely is not dependent on me for financial security at all.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You know that you'll never get the answers you seek..right?

All women are different.

All women need sex less than men (except when procreating)

That is in a nutshell the answer.

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I think the best case scenario is for a "light bulb" to go off one day and realize that they caused so much damage to the marriage themselves...and they decide having sex will help.

I'm done trying to solve this... just waiting.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Trying2figureitout said:


> All women need sex less than men (except when procreating)
> 
> That is in a nutshell the answer.
> 
> .


BS. I need way more sex than my H, and we are done having kids. Stay away from generalizations, they never get you anywhere.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Well if she is self sufficient as well or better off than you, why are you choosing to stay in a marriage where YOUR wishes and needs aren't being met? You came here and mentioned what would be a dilemma for most of the other members of this board. If you have conceded to her views, then why would you be complaining?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> It took awhile to get used to but I am fine now. It just sort of happened and I cannot really explain why.


I'm curious: do you mean you can't pin down how your relationship got here (as in it was a slow degradation), or that your wife simply stopped one day and refuses to discuss her reasons? Or, maybe she will not admit she is a refuser (as in she blames circumstances or your conduct and considers her lack of will beyond her control)?

Going through a divorce right now, I understand your position. We both know full well that if you left (or your needs caused your wife to leave) there is no way she would admit fault. She would at best say there were relationship issues driving her sexual conduct and at worst say you abused her somehow.

If yours was a situation where your wife admitted she treated you badly and would allow a divorce on your terms, it would be the first time I ever heard of that happening. Most people's sense of honesty and fairness goes out the window in divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jnyu44 said:


> I'm currently in the makings of what will probably be a sexless marriage. While my specific problem would obviously involve a lot more explanation and background, that isn't what I'm looking to figure out.


“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” Billy Crystal

While that quote is simplistic in some ways there is a lot of truth in it.



jnyu44 said:


> What I want to know from you ladies is, when you're in a standoff with your husband:


No one here knows what is going on in your wife’s head. So we can only speak from our own experience and in general terms. 
This question makes it sound like you think that not wanting sex is a way to bargin for something. It’s generally not the case at all. When a woman does not want sex with her husband usually her she has no desire because her hormones are off kilter or she has not “reason to have sex”. The reason is about her needs being met. If a woman does not feel special and loved she will not want sex. 
I read somewhere that the biological reason for this is that a woman (especially in cave days) needed a man who would care for her and her children. Otherwise they would probably parish. So the women who survived to pass on their genetics were the ones who found the most loving/caring men. If a more caring man came along she would dump the less caring man and go for the more carling man. For women, when our genetics were developing, getting sex was not the issue. Women can always find some guy to do them. Getting someone who cared for them and their children was the issue.


jnyu44 said:


> 1. What is it that you hope to gain? Ie, if you're emotionally unhappy, is the lack of sex your way of telling him that he needs to figure out a way to make you happy? Is there a component of revenge involved sometimes? Do you want him to suffer?


Right now if my husband wanted sex with me he’s get a frozen shoulder. Why? Because he meets none of my needs.. NONE. No it’s not revenge. It’s female nature. If my needs are not met I cannot go there. My body, mind and soul will not let me. If I did I would feel used. I might even feel physically ill.
Now you are probably a much better husband than mine. And you probably treat your wife a lot better. So your case might not be as severe as mine. But there is a very good chance that your wife feels so empty inside that she also cannot go there.


jnyu44 said:


> 2. Do any of you worry about infidelity because of the lack of sex? I'm not saying that it's justified, I'm just wondering if you guys worry.


Well I’m not a good one to answer this because my ex-husband and current husband cheated up a storm when there was as much sex at home as they wanted and then some. 


jnyu44 said:


> 3. If you believe he's at fault, are you willing to bite the bullet and be the one to try to fix things? I'm guessing the overwhelming answer to this one is no.


Why do you guess that the overwhelming answer to this is ‘no’? There was a time, years, when I was willing to do whatever it took to fix things. He was not and still is not. He gives lip service to it, is all agreeable when I bring it up things. Then he just goes on and ignores me and everything else.



jnyu44 said:


> 4a. If you're currently in this situation, what would it take for you to forgive him and get back to it? What would he have to do and typically how long of an "adjustment period" would you need?


If tomorrow morning my husband woke up, starting doing things around the house, found a job, showed affection, wanted to do things with me, etc etc etc. it would take about a year for me to trust him. But for me there is a 10 year history of hurt and neglect to get over.


jnyu44 said:


> 4b. If you had this problem in the past and got over it, what was the situation and how did you get over it?


I did not have this problem in the past. I love sex and would love it back in my life. But not with the way things are right now.


jnyu44 said:


> Sex standoffs are certainly one of the most frustrating things in the world for both sides. I'm sure both sides would love nothing more than to be happy emotionally and consequently physically.


Why do you call them sex stand offs. I sounds like the two of you are in opposite ends of the OK Corral ready to draw to shoot each other down. Please describe what is going on between the two of you.


jnyu44 said:


> This is just barely even scratching the surface, but I'd love to hear from some of you ladies about this maddening situation!


There are many women here in marriages with husbands who refuse to have sex. Perphaps some men could explain this. Actually in my situation it was my husband who originally stopped wanting sex quite some time ago. I've now come to the point I have described above... i've actually never turned him down... he has to ask to be turned down. I just know that now I would turn him down.

If you want some good, solid answers to how to fix things, take a look at the books in my siganture block below under creating a passionate marriage. They could help you a lot in explaining what a woman needs.. they also explain what men need.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to a poster who is talking about how her husband is making sex emotionally unatractive. It sounds like she is not withholding sex yet... but I'll bet it comes to that sometime down the road.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/40576-husband-had-made-sex-emotionally-uncomfortable.html


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Just based on my experience, I can honestly say there was no clear "decision" to refuse sex... My last relationship was sexless for the last two years based solely upon the breakdown of the relationship, my desire to be intimate with my ex dwindled due to abuse, neglect, lack of honesty/communication, several emotional affairs on his part, etc. I never just woke up one day and decided I wasn't going to have sex with him anymore - my desire faded over time and eventually I really just couldn't stand the thought of it. It wasn't that I had a goal in mind that I thought would be accomplished through cutting him off. He made breaking up and leaving him nearly impossible, as most control freaks and abusers do, hence the sexless final two years.

At this point I really didn't care whether or not he remained faithful - he had demonstrated that he would cheat in our best of times, so I accepted that he is not a monogamous sort.

As far as fixing things - I tried everything imaginable before finally giving up. In his eyes, I was the one responsible for our problems - in reality he was an addict who needed help, and I needed to not be his enabler anymore. I tried so much more than he ever did to fix our relationship and make it healthy.

4a and 4b don't really apply. 

I think the specifics of your case are needed to really give you detailed information here. One thing I want to know is, why do you feel sexlessness is a female choice? Can the man not share the burden of not enabling her to be sexual with him? (Numerous reasons and causes, but let's just say the husband may have become less attentive, romantic, emotionally available, etc.) ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Just based on my experience, I can honestly say there was no clear "decision" to refuse sex... My last relationship was sexless for the last two years based solely upon the breakdown of the relationship, my desire to be intimate with my ex dwindled due to abuse, neglect, lack of honesty/communication, several emotional affairs on his part, etc. I never just woke up one day and decided I wasn't going to have sex with him anymore - my desire faded over time and eventually I really just couldn't stand the thought of it. It wasn't that I had a goal in mind that I thought would be accomplished through cutting him off. He made breaking up and leaving him nearly impossible, as most control freaks and abusers do, hence the sexless final two years.
> 
> At this point I really didn't care whether or not he remained faithful - he had demonstrated that he would cheat in our best of times, so I accepted that he is not a monogamous sort.
> 
> ...


YinPrincess it sounds like you and I were married to the same idiot. I can relate to every word you said.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

We are better off now, aren't we? :lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> We are better off now, aren't we? :lol:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely!! I can't believe how much I've changed since dumping his a**. (I guess I am still a little bitter...LOL). I am happy again and hope you are too...and fear doesn't rule my life anymore, love does! :smthumbup:


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