# separated



## SammyLou (Mar 19, 2013)

My husband just moved this Friday. I'm lost and confused because he can't answer me if he wants to work on marriage or not. He said he doesn't know what he wants. He has moved into his mom's house and changed his address. So to me I thought permanent. Then he said he would still help me fix car and change oil and stuff like that so I thought maybe hope. He said his head is all messed up right now, and he thinks this is best for now. I'm trying remain nice and decent around him for hopes of reconciling. I don't know what to do to try to make it so he is interested in coming back and how do you tell if he won't come back? So lost and just frustrated...........


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Time to find out who you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SammyLou (Mar 19, 2013)

That may take time. So consumed in this right now that can't think of anything else but wanting to know.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SammyLou said:


> That may take time. So consumed in this right now that can't think of anything else but wanting to know.


Tell us the whole story.

How old?

How long together, etc.

What was your childhood like?

His?

Kids?


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## SammyLou (Mar 19, 2013)

Well, I'm 43 and he's 45. Been together 18.5 yrs total. Two kids under 10. We had started drifting apart for quite sometime. I stupidly found a man last yr to get some attention from. Big mistake. I know that is a big part of this. I got rid of the man soon after. But it made things worse for us. We didn't know how to handle the situation and just kept getting worse. He slept on couch, etc. Now, he has suddenly got an interest in old hobbies and wanted to move out to see what happens. He said for now and then it was he didn't know what he wanted. I said if you don't want to come back just say no. He has ADHD and so does my son. There is lots of anger from husband and frustration. We both had crappy childhoods. He was a loner and my parents were just not great parents. I want to work on things but not sure he will ever come back. He thinks same thing would happen. I told him if we could reignite ourselves I'd only need his attention. Don't know how long to wait for him to figure this out. I can't stand it already. It's only been a few days. I just want to do whatever it takes to get him back here.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Got some attention from another man? 

Ding Ding Ding 

UH...Maybe this is the problem. 

You need to let him go.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I feel you. It's very hard not knowing if there's a chance, even though the other person walked for good reason.


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## SammyLou (Mar 19, 2013)

I know that is my fault. But he and I were drifted apart, but I know it's all my fault. I just want to work on things. After 18.5 yrs I had never done that in my life w/him before or any other man. It was just nice to have someone pay attention and be interested in me. I would've rather had it been my husband instead. It just happened and I feel the worst about it. I only asked for a second chance and would never ever look for attention again from another man. Oh well, I guess I did mess that up pretty bad.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Would you forgive him?


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

SammyLou said:


> It was just nice to have someone pay attention and be interested in me. I would've rather had it been my husband instead. It just happened and I feel the worst about it. I only asked for a second chance and would never ever look for attention again from another man. Oh well, I guess I did mess that up pretty bad.


I totally understand. I felt/feel the same way. If I ever get the chance to R, there is no way in hell I am going to screw things up again. I'm doing everything I can to ensure I'll be a worthy partner and avoid repeating any of what I've done wrong, and just hoping against hope that she'll want to R at some point.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SammyLou said:


> I know that is my fault. But he and I were drifted apart, but I know it's all my fault. I just want to work on things. After 18.5 yrs I had never done that in my life w/him before or any other man. It was just nice to have someone pay attention and be interested in me. I would've rather had it been my husband instead. It just happened and I feel the worst about it. I only asked for a second chance and would never ever look for attention again from another man. Oh well, I guess I did mess that up pretty bad.


Some men can get beyond an EA/PA and some men can't. Time will tell which type your husband is.

In the meantime, you need to start detaching from him and work on you. It's a scary time, I know, but you can't control what he does. Just what you do.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

You know, I think that continuing to show signs of caring (helping you out and still maintaining friendly contact) means that he's not 100% done with the marriage. I don't think he has decided _against_ R, but he's surely not ready to go there with you yet. Since he's afraid of the same thing happening again if he comes back and does R with you, he doesn't want to jump back in too soon/before he's ready. It's going to take months, at the very least.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

SammyLou,
Read thru some of the threads here posted by men whose wives have cheated. 

I think you'll understand your H's perspective a little better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SammyLou (Mar 19, 2013)

I could forgive him one time but one time only. I know he thinks the same thing would happen but if we try and get back into a closer relationship, that would definitely solve all that. And I would never ever do that again. I'll keep up the positive towards him and see what happens. I actually just typed him a letter to give him when he takes kids to school. I'll check out some of the threads. Thanks.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

You don't seem the least bit sorry that you had an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Have you actually told him that you are sorry about the affair?

Have you told him everything he wants to know about it or are you still hiding some details from him (even if you are only trying to protect him from upset)?

You broke trust. You now need to rebuild that trust. That's hard work, but it's up to you to put the work in. It's not up to your H to make the moves, but from what you say you seem to be leaving it all up to him. You need to take some action too - if only to tell him how you feel, tell him how sorry you are (and keep doing it) and tell him how you will earn his trust back - and then start doing it. 

His responsibilities, if he decides that he wants to carry on with the marriage, are to work on the issues in the marriage - including those that led you to turn to another man. Your responsibilities are to own the decision that you made to break trust and go to another man and to deal with all the implications of that.

If I were in your position I would write him a very long letter expressing all of that. But maybe that's just me. If he's ready to listen to you then perhaps its better to do that face to face.


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