# Trying to let go, did I take a step backwards?



## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

I started a new thread because it is a specific issue relating to my ordeal. I know there is a lot of experience here on TAM and it really helps me. The basic questions I have are causing me the most problems. I understand and have accepted that D will happen. I have done everything I can to accept it. I think Im 98% comfortable with it but its that 2% that drives me nuts. She was able to totally detatch herself emotionally in a week. She seems so cold hearted and I take everything she does as a personal attack. Knowing she is out acting single already and not having a care in the world feels like an ice pick in my heart. It just makes her seem uglier to me as a person when I have to deal with her. If I feel that way about her, then why in the hell would I have that sliver of hope that 6 months from now she will wake up, realize what she did and ask for forgiveness? I know its not what I should be doing to get better. Why in the hell would I tell her "_the door is never shut, if a year from now, you realize you made a mistake, dont be afraid to reach out. I might have moved on, but dont assume I wouldnt listen_." Am I crazy? Was I ok with saying this? Is this self destructive? Still very confused.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I've struggled with this lately but under different conditions. Letting go and still being attached to the possibility of that outcome of a year from now. I ws reading Anatomy of the Spirit and I came across a passage that explained the difference between letting go in theory and letting go in practice. What got me to move from theory to practice is the concept of believing that you know what the outcome should be or feel like...which was explained as the equivalent of thinking that we're at or above par with a higher power, and also don't trust that higher power. It's faith, but faith that is unattached to any specific outcome. A true letting go. I too struggled with that 2% and then yesterday it just clicked, snapped, or whatever it is you want to call it, and I really let go. It was hard to do but once I did it I felt relieved. I had a little ceremony of burning a photo...that helped to end that kind of thinking.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

For me it took the constant proximity and therefore witnessing firsthand from the day I moved out, my wife's immediate forward process with the new guy. It rips whatever little hopeful nugget may still reside for some future "revelation" and reconciliation, as the grim reality was so definite and absolute, immediate and painful.
I too was exhausted from it being THE paramount thought for the day, enveloping everything else, causing me to miss out on real living and real moving on. I still reach points of anger, points of sadness of it. But its no longer a constant theme in my mind, and the freedom from that bondage is addictive. Very addictive. 
Once I realized I had spent a couple days doing pretty darn okay, I longed for those to be the constant. I fought against the negativity, but obviously as many of my posts reveal, its not been easy or consistent. 
As hard as i found it to believe, and how many of the early posters here maintained, it did take some time to start feeling better, and feeling hope for myself within in how life was now.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

_believing that you know what the outcome should be or feel like... _

That sentence stuck out to me. Maybe thats it. Thinking it shouldnt be happening because the person Im dealing with now is not the same person Ive known for the past 10 years. I despise this new person she is pretending to be and want to D that one. I still miss the old one.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Letting go is difficult, but once you realize that you don't have to be attached to the situation, it's well worth the relief from suffering to have made the effort to do so. Keep working at it. I really suggest the book I've been reading, it came to me from friends at a time in my life I really needed it. As I've been reading it over the past few months, I've always come to the passages/information I needed right when I needed to hear a specific message. "Anatomy of the Spirit."


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

I know, its just hard and deflating. Just when I start feeling better, I get approached by people telling me shes doing this, shes doing that. By the time I try and stop them and say I dont want to hear about it, they have already said it. Bad part about being in a small town. I just keep repeating to myself "fake it till you make it". Im pissed all this happened to begin with. Sorry, I feel better when I vent...


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

hunter411 said:


> _believing that you know what the outcome should be or feel like... _
> 
> That sentence stuck out to me. Maybe thats it. Thinking it shouldnt be happening because the person Im dealing with now is not the same person Ive known for the past 10 years. I despise this new person she is pretending to be and want to D that one. I still miss the old one.


Well this sounds just like my situation. And I told her similar to your OP, I'll wait etc. It's a mistake. It's wussy. Read some of David D'Angelo's or Chase Amante's stuff. These guys have the mark.

I feel your pain. I'm a year past my divorce, two since separation. The bitterness continues. If she thinks you want her back the most important thing you can do is shatter that illusion totally. You have to be unfriendly at every opportunity. Don't step into mean, that's the tricky part. Don't be abusive. Just cold. Heard of 101 from pick up? http://www.pualingo.com/pua-definitions/101/

Well in her mind you're stuck on 1, without the strength to turn it off, and you have to show her a zero.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> I know, its just hard and deflating. Just when I start feeling better, I get approached by people telling me shes doing this, shes doing that. By the time I try and stop them and say I dont want to hear about it, they have already said it. Bad part about being in a small town. I just keep repeating to myself "fake it till you make it". Im pissed all this happened to begin with. Sorry, I feel better when I vent...


Can you move? Start over somewhere else?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

hunter411 said:


> I started a new thread because it is a specific issue relating to my ordeal. I know there is a lot of experience here on TAM and it really helps me. The basic questions I have are causing me the most problems. I understand and have accepted that D will happen. I have done everything I can to accept it. I think Im 98% comfortable with it but its that 2% that drives me nuts. She was able to totally detatch herself emotionally in a week. She seems so cold hearted and I take everything she does as a personal attack. Knowing she is out acting single already and not having a care in the world feels like an ice pick in my heart. It just makes her seem uglier to me as a person when I have to deal with her. If I feel that way about her, then why in the hell would I have that sliver of hope that 6 months from now she will wake up, realize what she did and ask for forgiveness? I know its not what I should be doing to get better. Why in the hell would I tell her "_the door is never shut, if a year from now, you realize you made a mistake, dont be afraid to reach out. I might have moved on, but dont assume I wouldnt listen_." Am I crazy? Was I ok with saying this? Is this self destructive? Still very confused.


Yes it was fine to say what you said, because thats how you feel.
I tp;d my H the exact same thing. I thought he wasnt listening to my ramblings, but when he finished it with the OW he said he had listened to what i had been saying to him and even though he thought he had backed himself into an impossible situation, the fact that i told him the door would always be open to him really had an impact on him.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Yes it was fine to say what you said, because thats how you feel.
> I tp;d my H the exact same thing. I thought he wasnt listening to my ramblings, but when he finished it with the OW he said he had listened to what i had been saying to him and even though he thought he had backed himself into an impossible situation, the fact that i told him the door would always be open to him really had an impact on him.


What works for women to attract men doesn't necessarily work the other way around. Some moves are a turn off. Why do you think Clint Eastwood and Harrison Ford and Bruce Willis are unemotional. You see these guys sharing their feelings? Hardly at all. When they do, they show it with strength. Even Cary Grant wasn't a wussy. I'm not saying be an insensitive jerk. But when a woman is pushing you away how attractive is it to say "oh, please, I'll be really nice to you, and wait as long as it takes".


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

I totally understand. At the time when I said it, as much as I didnt want to it came out of my mouth, it did. Thats the last nice thing and final thing I have said to her regarding our relationship. Since then its been all business and dividing property, etc.. Its hard to do. I cant be an azzhole but I cant be needy. Im trying to deal with her like a female co-worker?? If that makes sense. Example, she texted me if I could find her migraine medicine. I told her I found it and didnt comment any further. I did ask if she was ok and she gave me some looong text how none of her nausea medicine was working and she didnt have her migraine medicine either.... I only said get some rest and let me know if you need any other medicine from the house. I made someone pick it up. She needs to see that Im no longer there to papmper her when shes sick. I guess Im trying to remain friendly but not be her friend.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Just saw your post bandit, No moving isnt an option right now. Maybe in a year or so. Im just going to have to learn to deal with it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> Just saw your post bandit, No moving isnt an option right now. Maybe in a year or so. Im just going to have to learn to deal with it.


I like your idea of having an attorney file the complaint for you. Do it, and let us know how it goes.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

hunter411 said:


> I totally understand. At the time when I said it, as much as I didnt want to it came out of my mouth, it did. Thats the last nice thing and final thing I have said to her regarding our relationship. Since then its been all business and dividing property, etc.. Its hard to do. I cant be an azzhole but I cant be needy. Im trying to deal with her like a female co-worker?? If that makes sense. Example, she texted me if I could find her migraine medicine. I told her I found it and didnt comment any further. I did ask if she was ok and she gave me some looong text how none of her nausea medicine was working and she didnt have her migraine medicine either.... I only said get some rest and let me know if you need any other medicine from the house. I made someone pick it up. She needs to see that Im no longer there to papmper her when shes sick. I guess Im trying to remain friendly but not be her friend.


I know exactly what you mean cos' I've been through what you're going through. It's almost as though you're not in total control of your actions. but you've got to regain total control ASAP. You have to be stoic and in charge. You've almost got to not care, nonchalant. It's incredibly difficult for any guy with a broken heart to pull off, especially without the benefit of the passage of time. Hell, I made some huge mistakes. It's hard to fake it till you make it (non-neediness, moving on) but it's your best shot. Don't do things she wants! She left you right? Get her to do things you want!

Dealing with her like a female coworker could easily be too nice. People have to be nice to coworkers for the sake of their jobs. But you need nothing from her, remember? Non-neediness. You have to present that if you want the best chance of her changing her mind. When guys pursue women, women routinely treat them as though they don't exist! Just let that sink in for a moment. They do it Routinely! They ignore their texts and think nothing of it. They put themselves on a pedestal like some unattainable celebrity. Maybe you should too. There's a lot to be said for ignoring someone who dumped you as far as you can. There's a lot of strength in silence.

Migraine medicine? Damn. She threw you a hoop and you jumped through it. You went looking for it like a lap dog. It's painful hearing what you're doing. I don't blame you, because I did many of the same things. But that destroys her trust. How can she rely on you to stand up to the world if you jump through her hoops? Not only did you do that you asked her if you could jump through more of her hoops! Dude, it makes you look like you have no self-respect! You asked if she was okay? Fail again. You have to treat her like a mosquito you want to go away! Let that one sink in. Would you ask a mosquito if it was okay? Don't kill it, just brush it aside, immediately, repeatedly. Remember you're not brushing HER aside, just the person she has BECOME, until that person GOES AWAY.

You're messing it up dude and you have to change your MO IMMEDIATELY. You know what you're doing is not strong. You're writing this because you can FEEL it. It doesn't feel like being a man. Your gut feel is right, but your rationalizing/justifying your needy behavior, because you can't overcome it yet. Listen to your gut and brush her aside.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Bradt, I hear what you are saying. For D reasons which will be explained later, I have to remain this way. I know it sounds counter productive, but I cant appear to be an azzhole yet. When the time is right, she will see the difference. I dont think I want her back after all of this. I dont think she will ever make an effort to change. She damanded a D, I am giving it to her. Im moving forward for me. I have to protect myself for the future. If it happens, it happens. If not, so be it.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

hunter411 said:


> Bradt, I hear what you are saying. For D reasons which will be explained later, I have to remain this way. I know it sounds counter productive, but I cant appear to be an azzhole yet. When the time is right, she will see the difference. I dont think I want her back after all of this. I dont think she will ever make an effort to change. She damanded a D, I am giving it to her. Im moving forward for me. I have to protect myself for the future. If it happens, it happens. If not, so be it.


If you need her to change, and you're convinced she can't change enough, then it may well be best you don't struggle to win her back. In my case, I felt I needed to first be clear on what I wanted. A person can't successfully aim for two targets, you'll only hit one by sheer luck in that case. You can leave things up to fate instead, Zen/Taoist approach if you want... and I can certainly understand your resignation, but I don't think as men that's our role. Our role is to know what we want, take charge and make what we want happen. To go for what we want, to undertake the struggles necessary to get there. Then after watching you struggle on some noble goal for 300 pages in this romance novel, THEN there's an opportunity to show your vulnerability and the heroine falls for you (or someone better does who was watching from the sidelines). I'm not saying be an azzhole. Is a woman an azzhole when she ignores a guys text? I don't think I'd describe it that strongly. She's just not interested. That's how you have to be with her right now (if you want her back). You're in the first few pages of this book. It's not time to show your vulnerability yet. If you really don't want her back, then absolutely, it probably doesn't matter what you do. If its for court reasons you feel you can't be an azzhole, don't be an azzhole. Don't be an azzhole anyway. If you want another chance, just give her the minimum possible warmth and attention until she changes.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Whew, the past two days have been rough. Ive had to have a lot of contact (by email only) with her about seperation of property, etc. She has been pushing my buttons and Ive been very angry the past two days. I know I dont want her back, I just cant believe she is such a selfish b**** to me now. If she can change attitude that much in 3 weeks, I hate to see her in 3 months. She asked for the D, said you file or I will, so I did. Im giving her what she wants, why be so pissy about it. I didnt cause this. I sent her a final proposal yesterday and Im still waiting to hear back. This whole thing just pisses me off so bad. I have to bite my tongue until this is finished. I have too much to lose if it turns ugly. I just dont unerstand where she is coming from and I get mad. Just venting here instead of with her.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> "Anatomy of the Spirit."


Thanks, HNU, I plan on ordering it today. My 98% is now at 99.999%. Im moving on and really dont want her back. Im waiting on another book that should arrive today. One of my best friends lost his son 4 years ago (in a horrible way) and he said it really helped him. "Happiness is a serious problem" I will let you know what I think of that one. I read now, something I never thought I would do...


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

hunter411 said:


> Whew, the past two days have been rough. Ive had to have a lot of contact (by email only) with her about seperation of property, etc.
> 
> *If it's yours or you have any legitimate claim to it, just take it and deny her access. Let the lawyers sort out ownership afterwards. If it's clearly hers put it all in a box and dump it with her. Minimum contact. Take charge, get things done without her as much as possible. Show her you're getting HER out of YOUR life.*
> 
> ...


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