# Financially unstable husband



## Flowerpetals (Aug 17, 2015)

We've been married for 8 years and I've always had to be the financially stable/responsible one and my husband has not. He did real estate/mortgages and supported himself relatively well for a number of years before we were married but then the housing bubble burst. So our first year of marriage he moved into my 1 bedroom apt made only about $6,000 that year while I coutinued to work at my job as I had always done making just under $40,000/year. I basically paid for everything except his car insurance and credit card bills. 

I tried to encourage him to go out and get a job but he was always "working on deals in the pipeline that when they closed I could just quit my job and he would take care of me". That didn't happen. Year 2: we bought a house with my savings as down payment and moved to a new state. He promised me if we bought a house he would get any job to help pay for it. He did get a job but the first 6 months of it his money went to paying off the personal credit card debt he racked up when he wasn't earning much the year before. When we moved I soon found a job in our new city making around the same amount as before, but hubby was making a few $ less an hour than me. After 2 yrs at that job they let him go (downsizing). He was out of work for a few months then I recommended he try a temp agency that my company used. He got an assignment that lasted a year that could have been permanent but they chose someone else and let him go after a year.

He was out of work for a few months after that then got a really great job when a friend recommended him and he was only making a few thousand $ less than me, but after a year they let him go because he made a few mistakes. He was able to get unemployment and sat at home for almost a year after not being able to find a job. All the while he spends most of our money on technology/electronics, he loves video games and our cars were older (over 10 yrs) so we had to replace them. I wanted to have kids around year 3 of our marriage but hubby said he didn't want to and that if it ever happened he would stop working n stay home and I'd have to support him n the child because I've always made more $ than him. This hurt me tremendously but he said it on a number of occasions and I told him I disagreed but decided to give up my dream of having a family. 

No way I was going to support a lazy husband n child, when all the times that he's been out of work I still have to cook, clean, wash the laundry, and he won't cut the lawn so we had pay someone to do it. He does the minimum of work and will help sometimes but all the house chores are my responsibility. I feel like I married a dependant. Anyway work was way too stressful and I couldn't take anymore and my husband was still unemployed so I told him I was tired of being treated like crap by my boss n having to keep working because he wasn't so I told him I was giving my 2 week notice n he would have to support us while I took a break to recharge. I quit my job and a few weeks later he found a part time job as a cashier at a drug store. For the next few months we lived off of savings because he wasn't making much but I did appreciate that he was working. 

Then he got a job offer in another state from a friend. We sold our house and moved for the job. He was employed for about 4 months and they let him go. I got a good paying job in the city we moved to and my husband decide to be unemployed again for the next 6 months (again working on deals in the pipeline and a new website that did not earn any money n didn't pan out to anything). Finally he got a job about 36 hrs per week making a few $ above minimum wage. For a long while when we moved this last time and he lost his job I was so depressed I thought of just leaving him. 

I'm soon to be too old to have kids, I'm trying to rebuild our savings but have less than when I was single. We live in an apartment and he wants us to buy house/condo but I keep putting him off because I don't feel ready to buy a house that I'm going to have the pressure to be responsibile for again because I can't depend on him keeping a job to pay for it. I seriously think about getting a divorce all the time. He's a kind man but sometimes I just don't feel loved because to me a husband who loves me would take care of me not expect me to support him. Oh and one thing I worry about is if I get divorced I've always made more money than him and in our state I believe I would have to pay alimony. Sorry this is such a long post, but any advice would be appreciated.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I don't know about the legalities if you get a divorce, you need to seek advice from a lawyer but your H really sounds like he is sponging of you and not stepping up to the plate. Do not have kids with this man, as you will have financial worries your whole life. You will want to spend time with the children too, and you need a man you can rely on. Could you separate without paying alimony, and let him make it on his own?
What kind of work does he do that he is always let go? Is it his own work ethic? 
Have you sat him down and told him your expectations? Give him a deadline as to getting a full time good paying job.
He is not fulfilling his obligations as a life partner.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Move one more time...... to a non-alimony state.


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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

Get away from this situation , make a plan for YOU and execute it .......... He does not deserve you , he is sponging you and making a mockery out of the relationship ......... Get yourself in a place where your exposure of liability is minimized towards him and get a plan to leave .......... You don't deserve this , you deserve a great life and a great husband to get that life !!!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Alimony. Really? Unless you're loaded, I doubt any court is going to make you pay alimony.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Fortunately your problem is easy to resolve:

1. Do NOT have children with this "man".
2. Get a divorce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The good news is that alimony will be totally off the table!

The bad news is that any community property like retirement funds will likely be subject to a 50/50 split!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flowerpetals (Aug 17, 2015)

He was in real estate but with the economy issues he is just doing general administrative work. I keep telling him that it doesn't look good on a resume to have changed jobs and be out of work so often. He doesn't agree and says the job culture has changed and people change their jobs all the time, but I know that has negatively affected him. Throughout the years I've told him that I hate being the breadwinner and it isn't what I ever wanted. He says he's tried his best but he just hasn't been able to. There always an excuse, the economy is bad, some one didn't like him and pressured the boss to fire him, but ultimately I feel it's his responsibility, just like how I've had to stay at crappy jobs so that I can fulfill our financial obligations I think he should have done the same. Neither of us went to college but I learned on the job and worked really hard to get to where I am. He makes less than half of what I make at this point. 

Reading the posts brought me to tears because this is what I've felt all these years...it's like I'm being sucked dry. I've never talked to anyone about before. I think separating is a good starting point but I'm going to get all my ducks in a row and separate our bank accounts, finances, credit cards, etc first and then tell him. He's going to try to talk me out of it I know. But after 8 years I realize this is just who he is and things aren't going to change.

I hate that I'd have to split things and end up with less than what I had before I got married. But I don't want to look back with regrets (I already do).


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Did you say if you two ever tried either MC(Marriage Counseling) or FC(Financial Counseling)?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flowerpetals (Aug 17, 2015)

We've never tried counseling. That's something I'd be open to. At the same time I can't help but feel skeptical because he's so good at promising change will happen but not putting in the effort.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

lol...I feel like this post got interrupted for an informercial.

Anyway, to the OP, you have my sincerest sympathy.

I can see why you stayed...he isn't completely lazy, he's just an unambitious dreamer. He was probably very good at convincing you that things would get better.

Look, you tried your best which is what your responsibility is during a marriage. You've done your share, you've worked hard, you've saved, you've given him your loyalty and you've tried hard to believe in him. Its just not working out...he's not trying hard enough to dig in and meet you halfway.

In the end, you have life goals and he's simply not the person you can achieve them with.

If its any consolation, it doesn't sound like he set out to deceive you...I think he's just not capable of being the man you need him to be. I'm sure he's as disappointed in himself as you are with him. Its a sad situation. I hope you can both move on in healthy ways.



> Reading the posts brought me to tears because this is what I've felt all these years...it's like I'm being sucked dry. I've never talked to anyone about before. I think separating is a good starting point but I'm going to get all my ducks in a row and separate our bank accounts, finances, credit cards, etc first and then tell him. He's going to try to talk me out of it I know. But after 8 years I realize this is just who he is and things aren't going to change.


You'll probably have to split the debts and the assets. So hiding money probably won't help much but cutting off all joint accounts and putting down a retainer for the lawyer is important. 

I'd also try to have an honest conversation with him about after you take care of those initial things to see if you guys can come to a mediation agreement without having to go through litigation. Its a lot cheaper and will help to preserve some of the assets you're both going to need going forward.

I'm sorry about your situation and best of luck.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Seems like you are the end of your rope. Get your financials in order. Get rid of all joint cc. Take 1/2 of savings and put into an individual acct. Your assets will be divided, so no use hiding money this late in the game. 

Go see a lawyer, have papers drawn up.

Then, sit and talk to your husband. Let me know you are at the end. You are leaving. He will be shocked and heart broken. But you know what, a smart man would have expected this someday with his track record.

Good luck.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

I just want to add: don't lose more time on this, specially if you still want kids. If he's not changing and expects you to support him fully, while he never even bothered to take care of house chores, then imagine how it might be when you have kids and have to take care of everything including the baby. Imagine coming home tired from work and still taking care of a baby, house chores and cooking.

Imagine how resentment will pent up 'till you can't even look at your man. You can't respect him nor see him equal, there won't be love and intimacy nor bond too.

You'll be tired, drained, unhappy and you won't be able to get away as easy as now. Years would pass and you'd wonder what could have been with a real partner and happy family.

You still have time to find someone else who is able to be an equal partner. Do it before you regret it.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I think I may be missing something in all of that. Here's why I say that. I've seen many times over the very same or almost exactly same scenario played out with roles reversed. Wife becomes unemployed in her original career path. Back and forth between jobs. Landing on unemployment. Staying home spending but not earning. Offering to be a stay at home mom even if she'd rather not have children. 

Would the advice be the same... the views... if a husband wrote the post about his wife? Honestly?


OP - Were children, a family, discussed prior to marriage? Is this something he's changed his mind on after the fact? Is it possibly him being concerned about adding a responsibility while he's down about his apparent failure/lack of luck in employment?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Dont waste time counselling . It wont change . That's him . 

Dont have children with him . He will teach them to be like himself and you will have lazy husband n kids and together they sponge you to death .

Settls finance and divorce


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## Flowerpetals (Aug 17, 2015)

So here is an update, years later. I stayed with my husband. We never had children. Financially there have been ups and downs. I feel resentful at times and stifled because we have issues still communicating about finances. We are trying. He has his own business. I still HAVE to work. I missed out having kids but now have dogs which seem to fill much of that need. Life isn’t perfect and I don’t know what will happen in the future. But I’m trying to find enjoyment and happiness in life.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Maybe now is the time to divorce him. It's till not too late to have a kid, you don't need a man to be with you. You can be an independent single mum.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I guess you did it for reasons that are only your own. I'll never understand why you chose to sacrifice a dream of yours - having kids - to stay with a man-child you have to support because he's too damned lazy and unmotivated to act like an adult man and provide for his family. Then again, I would suppose having him in your life IS like raising a child, isn't it? 

Was he worth the personal price tag you chose to pay? I'm betting everything I have that he's *not*. :frown2:


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

jsmart said:


> Alimony. Really? Unless you're loaded, I doubt any court is going to make you pay alimony.


 Sorry, but that would be a false statement.


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