# Unique Situation



## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

Hi all, I am new to this forum and I hope I get to know some of you all and hope I can get some good solid opinions here. 

My situation is a very very unique one. Some might find it hard to follow, but I will condense the last (nearly 3 years) 2 1/2 years into a few paragraphs.

I was married for 15 years (almost 16 years). Not the best marriage but not the worst either. No abuse or anything like that, just the usual stuff (lack of sex, money issues at times, etc). I loved my husband and still do (ex husband now).

I was pretty much a stay at home mom until I went back to school to get my nursing degree about 4 years ago and it wasn't until I started school that we started having issues. Money problems was the biggest issue and me being physically out of the house pulled us apart somewhat.

Anyway, I started talking to someone on FB (local sports guy on TV-imagine that), and it went downhill from there. We talked online all the time. After about 4 months, we met in person (both still married at this point) and really really hit it off. I enjoyed meeting him in person and we talked non stop. He ended up leaving his wife of 10 years and I left my husband. We are both now divorced and seeing one another. 

The problem is, how can I trust this guy. I have access to his facebook account and I go on their and look at who he is chatting with and at first, it helped ease me because of my insecurity of him doing to me what he did to his ex (meeting someone online) because once I got on there, his conversations were very benign and usually about his flying hobby or sports stuff. He does talk to women online and most of them are VERY flirty with him. He doesn't know I have access to his account except for one time when I told him I had been into his account and he said he had nothing to hide and told me to go ahead and look. Which like I said, I don't ever find anything.

However, I saw where he was chatting on FB last night with this girl who has been trying to talk to him for several months now. She has begged him to delete a friend so he could add her and as soon as he did, she started chatting with him. She is so complimentary, so flirty that is makes me very upset and sick that he would do this. I trust that he loves me, I really do, but when I see him chatting with girls like this, it really bothers me. So, do I continue to monitor him? Do I dump him because we obviously have trust issues (no brainer) or what?!??! We are talking about getting married and I know that I would not want him to dump me because of the way I met him (chatting online) so I want to be 110% sure of what I do here. I do not chat with men online (especially those that I don't know) but I know his situation is unique because he is in the public eye. But I still would not want him to automatically dump me because of the way we met (online) because I feel that is not being fair. Fact is, I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married and this is not a way of life for me....and would like to think that this is not a way of life for him. 

Soooo what do you think. Please don't bash me for looking at his FB account. This actually has helped me trust him more. To this point, I have not seen that would make me not trust him (other than just normal chatting)...it's just this one girl that he was talking to last night....really bothers me.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, you know that he obviously has a history of talking on FB inappropriately, since he did that with you when he was married.

I personally would not marry someone who was FB chatting with other women and who I didn't feel that I could trust. I wouldn't want to forever be monitoring their activities. It would be a boundary for me. But, only you can decide what your boundary is.

So, what do you feel your boundary is in this area? What would he have to do for you to regain your trust? Does he even seem concerned about this at all? Have you two discussed it?

Are you two currently engaged? Did you date anyone else after your divorce?

Best wishes.


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

Hi there and thank you so much for the reply on this. It's like I don't get any peace in my life because I always seem like I have to look over my shoulder (so to speak). No, we are not engaged but he is talking about buying a ring soon and get engaged and married in December. 

Yes, we have discussed this and he says his ex used to try and control his chatting and he shared his thoughts about her being a 'control freak'. He said he has lots of friends/acquaitances...male and female. He always jokes and says "you think I've got something going on with every female I talk to on FB...what about the guys? Why not worry about them?" Now, he is the polar opposite of gay, so I don't worry about that, but that statement he made seems like a lame way of saying 'I'll do what I want to do'. 

He is a very nice man, good father (8 year old), he is affectionate to me (something I did not have with my ex), he is a good provider, does not smoke/drink/do drugs, is very educated, good ethics and I am so scared if I give him up because of a hang-up I have, I'll live in torment that I gave up the best thing that has ever happened to me.

And like I said, this last conversation that he engaged in with this woman last night was not inappropriate at all, but he shared a personal video with her of his landing (he's a private pilot) and they talked about computers, old video games, etc...totally innocent conversation but while he was chatting with her, I was texting him that I was going to bed and he was extremely slow in texting me back -I guess because he was 'busy' with her. 

And no, I have not dated anyone since my divorce. My divorce was very uncomplicated but very drawn out because I could not fully let go. My husband was 'safe' and I find that whenever things aren't going so well with me and my current male friend, I often long to be back with my ex (only because it was safe and uneventful). Now, when I think of me and my ex and a couple, I start thinking...no, that's not the answer. I'm just in new territory. I married at age 21 and have been married a large part of my adult life. I enjoy being married but it seems that I have given up one problem for another. Just typing this out is making me stop and think.....


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

There's an old saying....if they'll cheat with you, they will cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You asked how can you trust him but at the same time, how can he trust you? You both went outside of your marriages to have at minimum an emotional affair and I'm betting neither of your spouses were aware when you met up 4 months later and "really really hit it off." You can say you guys had an innocent relationship but from your post its evident there was more to it. And now you're worried he will 'do the same to me as he did to his ex.' Do you see the irony here? You both left your spouses and have trust issues...namely you don't trust him. And with good reason. Its very telling that he said his wife had problems with him chatting on FB...Gee, I wonder why. Like Pidge said...if he does it with you, don't be surprised if he does it to you. You don't trust him. Marriage should be the last thing on your mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

Jellybeans, thanks for the input. Well said, to be honest. Thing is, he does not get into my phone, my computer, nothing. All are passworded and he says he does not care to see my 'business'. For some reason he does not have a big issue with trusting me, but I do him...and the only reason I do is because of FB. His job encourages the news folks to use FB to interface with the viewers and social media is huge for news personnel. I think it's a good thing as long as it's not abused. I've never been with a man who is so 'in the limelight' and I think I'm having a hard time dealing with his availability to so many different people and he actually talks to them. I mean, I would not want to talk on this level with strangers and I don't understand why he does. 

I could tell you that I trust him, but why am I looing into his FB account. That speaks volumes, I know. Like I said, at first, looking at his FB account made me feel better because I never found anything that was questionable but this new girl has me wondering why he is so chatty with her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Re: your thread title...your situation is not unique. Its like any other story that involves a relationship that began as an affair that has trust issues. Script. He is in the limelight because of his career and he has no problems with chatting up people on FB. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. What are you going to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

Jelly, I have no idea what I'm going to do. My mom says it's part of his job and that goes along with dating or marrying someone with a higher than average profile job...she says to enjoy it and be proud of his success and I am, but I am also checking out his FB behind his back.  I've been checking it all night to see if he starts chatting it up with this new 'viewer'. Nothing yet.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Welcome to karma. Enjoy the ride.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

"Fact is, I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married and this is not a way of life for me"

Ughh...So you're claiming that you never cheated on your ex-husband, although your whole post is about how you cheated on your husband, with a man who would be willing to destroy two marriages, then divorced your husband to be with this guy. But the "fact" is that you never cheated. WTF?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

RNNALABAMA said:


> Now, when I think of me and my ex and a couple, I start thinking...no, that's not the answer. I'm just in new territory. I married at age 21 and have been married a large part of my adult life. I enjoy being married but it seems that I have given up one problem for another. Just typing this out is making me stop and think.....


When I read this, I get the impression that although you may not have felt happy within your previous marriage, it was better than being alone? 

Giving up one problem for another is telling. It is very hard to move from a marriage to another relationship without taking any time to be by yourself and really take the time to heal from the relationship and assess what it is you really want. I believe this is a 'danger zone' in that you will likely attach yourself to someone else because you see distinct traits that are different from your ex, but unless you give yourself time to work through the relationship with your ex, you may not be in a place to attract a desirable mate.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Once a cheater, always a cheater. That is why you can't trust him - he's a cheater.

Like someone else said - karma will always get you.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

swedish said:


> When I read this, I get the impression that although you may not have felt happy within your previous marriage, it was better than being alone?
> 
> Giving up one problem for another is telling. It is very hard to move from a marriage to another relationship without taking any time to be by yourself and really take the time to heal from the relationship and assess what it is you really want. I believe this is a 'danger zone' in that you will likely attach yourself to someone else because you see distinct traits that are different from your ex, but unless you give yourself time to work through the relationship with your ex, you may not be in a place to attract a desirable mate.


:iagree:

It could be that you are not ready to start a new relationship so soon after your divorce... let alone a new marriage. I believe that you need and should want to bring a "whole" you to a new relationship.

best wishes


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

RNNALABAMA said:


> Hi all, I am new to this forum and I hope I get to know some of you all and hope I can get some good solid opinions here.
> 
> My situation is a very very unique one. Some might find it hard to follow, but I will condense the last (nearly 3 years) 2 1/2 years into a few paragraphs.
> 
> ...


Congratulations on your find. I love seeing two people perfect for each other meet. You have absolutely nothing to worry about with your new guy. Its obvious that he has been very honest with you from the very beginning. I can tell you with pretty good assurance that there wont be any real surprises. After all, he has shown you exactly the person that he is. Marriage is a lot of work, but I'm pretty sure that things will go very much like you suspect. 

Now stop worrying and be yourself.

Sounds like your made for each other.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

forgive the sarcasm-


__ Unique situation

__ Didn't cheat on ex

X  No way to trust boyfriend

X  Karma


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

RNNALABAMA, do you in any way shape or form recognize that your behavior prior to your divorce was at the very least inappropriate (though I call it an EA) and thus killed any chance of attaining a better marriage with your ex? Or you still in the fog and think that love conquers all and your new relationship will beat the odds and last? (about 3% chance)


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Marriage is about character. Nobody has a perfect marriage. Nobody has a marriage that doesn't suffer from issues due to lack of sex, or money, or quality time, or whatever. There are good times and bad times in every marriage.

You state that your marriage wasn't good and wasn't bad. You went to school which put a strain on your marriage. These are normal issues that marriages of people with character typically get through.

You chose to have an affair. You chose to leave your husband for a player. You left your marriage and your boyfriend left his. You both have no character. You deserve each other.

Your dilemma is laughable. I wish I knew your first husband so I could share your thread with him. I am sure we would have a great time hearing what you are going through.

I predict multiple marriages and divorces for you both.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok I get that everyone loves when the Karma bus rides through town but she is asking for advice. So let's try to give it to her.

The fact is: yes, it started as an affair. That in and of itself means their relationship has a sh!tty foundation. One who's concrete floor is rooted in deception. Not a good thing. And now she does not trust him. Again, par for the course. With that said, she is talking marriage and how she can't trust him so its prob best to cut it off completely with this guy and spend some time alone. It seems she rushed straight from a marriage to her affair partner & spent zero time mending herself post-divorce. Massive mistake. So start healing now. Find out WHY you had an affair, why you chose to leave a marriage for another man, and why you went straight from marriage/divorce into the arms of the person who helped you betray your past relationship. Find out what attracted you to this guy enough to leave your marriage--a guy who clearly has zero problems leaving his own solid relationship to start up with you. Find out who YOU are without being in a relationship. 

Get some therapy to help you deal with the fallout of your divorce and trust issues and insecurities.

Be single. Really. It's better than being in a relationship such as the one you describe which is full of holes and distrust.

Your gut is flaring up for a reason.


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the comments. I don't mind sarcastic comments. I take bits and pieces from all posts. I appreciate anyone who takes time to reply.

Now let me clarify...yes, I did cheat on my husband with the man I with now - never said I didn't. 

'Unique situation' meant, I am seeing a guy who's job places him in the public eye day in and day out on facebook - so any contact with the public (females included here) makes me uncomfortable (especially since that is how he met me).

So, my concern is mainly FB. I guess I needed validation that my gut feeling was right that he should not be so 'chatty' with these folks he doesn't know. His job highly encourages him to answer posts made to his fan page and he feels that when he chats with his viewers, it is more or less self-promotion. While I get all of that, I don't see where he has to go one step further and be so chatty with women he doesn't know. 

And I agree Jelly, I need some couseling. I have turned into someone I never thought I'd become. I did cheat on my husband and I did it repeatedly until I finally left him. While not right, I think it would have been worse to stay and continue to see this other man (the one I'm with now). I got no affection or attention at home and I think that is 95% of why I left. 

My gut? Not sure I trust it. It flared up back in April when I attained his FB password, feeling SURE I'd find some inappropriate chat and I found nothing...nada. Still haven't. Maybe I'm just jealous of these other folks who get his time.


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## Just Dave (Sep 13, 2011)

> The problem is, how can I trust this guy.


There's no problem here, you can't trust him no more than he can trust you. You met each other on Facebook and divorced your spouses and are now seeking a life of love and trust together. Surely, you can see the stupidity of this.



> he is affectionate to me (something I did not have with my ex)


No, no one will be as affectionate to you as the one who has just began getting into your pants. Lets see how affectionate this new guy will be after the two of you have been married for 15 years and have had x-number of children.



> And I agree Jelly, I need some couseling.


You don't need counseling, you just need to start acting like you've got some sense. Use your mind and see things as they are and stop trying to rationalize and emotionalize things.

Your problem began when you convinced yourself that you were so unhappy with your husband of sixteen years. This gave you a convenient excuse to start having an affair. No, there will be no happiness or peace with this sports guy for you. Your conscience will not allow it, and no therapist can sell you peace. You need to right the wrong you did.


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

Just Dave, how do I right this wrong???


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

> *We talked online all the time. After about 4 months, we met in person (both still married at this point) and really really hit it off*


I can see why you have your trust issues the way you met isn't ideal. But I'm wondering what do you expect of a man that has proved to already be unfaithful to a wife?



> *my insecurity of him doing to me what he did to his ex (meeting someone online)*


A, IMO, very valid insecurity.



> *She is so complimentary, so flirty that is makes me very upset and sick that he would do this.*


Why didn't it make you sick when you did it while YOU were still married? 



> *Fact is, I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married and this is not a way of life for me....and would like to think that this is not a way of life for him. *


Why would you think it is not a way of life for him? I think you are in denial of sorts. Maybe in the he won't do it to me because he cheated _with_ me not on me. BTW, you obviously did post that you didn't cheat on your ExH which is why some pointed it out.



> *his ex used to try and control his chatting and he shared his thoughts about her being a 'control freak'. He said he has lots of friends/acquaitances...male and female. He always jokes and says "you think I've got something going on with every female I talk to on FB...what about the guys? Why not worry about them?"*


Can you _really_ blame her? Look what happened he cheated on her with you and of course he will call her the control freak because he wanted to continue to be unfaithful and her trying to stop that just got in the way.

Unfortunately it seems as your relationship will always have it's holes. You can't be naive enough to think that he is incapable of cheating are you? Now that fact that he is in the public eye and was chatting away with his fans on FB regularly isn't something that caught you off guard after all it's how you both met, are you uneasy about this other woman well of course you are, and he by the sounds of it seems to just blow off your concerns. I hope you are clear headed enough if not now in the future to make smart decisions about your relationship/s.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

RNNALABAMA said:


> Now let me clarify...yes, I did cheat on my husband with the man I with now - never said I didn't.
> 
> .


Okay, can you explain what you meant in your very first post: "Fact is, I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married and this is not a way of life for me....and would like to think that this is not a way of life for him. "? 

So you did cheat on your husband, with the guy from FB, but a few posts later you NEVER cheated on your husband? Apparently I'm the only poster here that missed something.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

*Whip Morgan*

She clarified it after posting her "fact" of never cheating on her husband me thinks she is still stuck in that FOG


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

People who are born with a terminal disease or in a poor and disease infested area have not done anything wrong so I don't get this whole karma thing. 

I think people say it's karma when they wish for justice and are bitter so they enact the...thank God the universe took care of you for me. Yet, every day I see how karma isn't doing his/her job or rather that my idea of karma is meaningless and so is yours.

Anyway, my advice to the OP is to work on yourself so that you're not dependent on his responses and actions defining how you feel.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You don't want to be like his ex and be 'a control freak'. 

What a great way for him to control you! 

Because he is so public and because he has proven that he is a cheater he should understand why you would need some reassurance. 

His FB, cell phone and email should all be available to you. And yours to him. He should do this for you. He should understand why. But he won't. Because he wants to do what he wants to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

SadSamIAm- Best post yet.

And yes, I should have clarified...I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married until this guy I am with now. I remained faithful until the end.


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

Trenton, good advice too. Thank you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

RNNALABAMA said:


> Just Dave, how do I right this wrong???



I am not him as you can probably tell.

But allow me to give it a try.

Why dont you step back, way back, from your situation mentally? Take a really good look around. See where you are now. Then decide what type of person you want to be. Plan your way to achieve it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RNNALABAMA said:


> SadSamIAm- Best post yet.
> 
> And yes, I should have clarified...I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married until this guy I am with now. I remained faithful until the end.


But your affair is what ended it? lol.

I suggest coming out of the fog. He will cheat on you. Hate to say it. No one wants to think it, but...he cheated on his wife for you, he'll cheat on you for someone else.


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## RNNALABAMA (Sep 13, 2011)

aug, that is the problem...I don't know what to do to plan my way to achieve anything? 

At one time, I had decided that I could not deal with him (BF) anymore and I would move back into my parents house and just work for a while and just be alone. Alone to find myself. However, when I dumped this guy I'm seeing, it wasn't 6 hours and we were calling and texting each other again. It was the worse feeling in the world. So, that makes me think with him is ultimately where I need to be.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

RNNALABAMA said:


> SadSamIAm- Best post yet.
> 
> And yes, I should have clarified...I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married until this guy I am with now. I remained faithful until the end.


So you never cheated on your husband until you left and divorced him for the man you met online..Whom you met while still married..Uh...Thats cheating. 

Good god, this fog is simply stunning to witness!


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

RNNALABAMA said:


> However, when I dumped this guy I'm seeing, it wasn't 6 hours and we were calling and texting each other again. It was the worse feeling in the world. So, that makes me think with him is ultimately where I need to be.



There are better criteria for being with someone than this.
Basing life changing decisions on "feelings", especially "worse" feelings, is stupid.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

RNNALABAMA said:


> aug, that is the problem...I don't know what to do to plan my way to achieve anything?
> 
> At one time, I had decided that I could not deal with him (BF) anymore and I would move back into my parents house and just work for a while and just be alone. Alone to find myself. However, when I dumped this guy I'm seeing, it wasn't 6 hours and we were calling and texting each other again. It was the worse feeling in the world. So, that makes me think with him is ultimately where I need to be.


97% of marriages between cheating partners fail. So don't unpack everything.
Also, 80% of couples that divorce because of an affair regret they did not stay together and work it out.:smthumbup:


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

RNNALABAMA said:


> SadSamIAm- Best post yet.
> 
> And yes, I should have clarified...I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married until this guy I am with now. I remained faithful until the end.


You can't move ahead until you are honest with yourself. If you ended your marriage and then found someone else you wouldn't be a cheater. You found someone before you ended. You can't say you were faithful till the end. You being unfaithful caused the end. You are a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Dave (Sep 13, 2011)

You were married to a guy for nearly 16 years, and the two of you made babies together. Do things get humdrum and routine after years of being married? Of course they do. You can plan for the best, but life has it's own plan and it often differs from yours. You can't always see what's coming, but come what may a husband and wife can overcome anything if they stay committed and true to each other. Sometimes one of the two may tire along the way and have to be carried until their strength builds back up. Isn't this what they meant when they said "for better or worse"?

Sometimes we start thinking that life on the other side of the fence is better. The people over there all seem so happy and gay (the true meaning of gay), and we want to be like that. Isn't it coincidental how evil always seems to come around right when you're feeling the most down. You start reading articles in Redbook and/or Cosmopolitan or hear on Oprah about how YOU have a RIGHT to be happy. Notice how these articles and conversations are always about "YOU", and how much happier the children will be when YOU are happy.

Soon we start looking and finding fault after fault in our spouse and how dismissive they are about our feelings and needs. We're perfect of course and have tried so hard to make thing work, but alas... it's time to go and do what we've been secretly wanting to do all along... to cheat. We just needed to gather up "supporting" evidence to justify what we were going to do anyway.

To lie is bad, but to lie to oneself is self-destructive. I don't know the truth of what really happened between you and your ex, but I believe that if there was a little less "you" and more "us" involved that whatever problems you had could have been overcome. I don't think that you married and made babies with a bad man and a loser. If you did then what does that say about you?

What wrong to right? That's for you to answer.

If you can make peace with yourself from previous wrongs then perhaps you can find happiness in the future. But it will not be with this sports guy, because he I suspect is a part of one of your wrongs. When you find peace, your happiness will not be dependent on others. When you are happy with "you", then you will be at peace. Give yourself some alone time and get YOUR ducks in a row. In time you'll be a person that someone can love legitimately and you them, but not right now and not with this guy. You know this to be true.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

YOu have to go into this relationship knowing 100% that he will cheat on you.

Fact #1: He is a cheater
Fact #2: He told his wife she was a control freak, when she was acting in a completely normal fashion to protect herself and her marriage.
Fact #3: He has women chasing him.

There is zero chance that he will stay faithful to you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you want real advice?


end the relationship


get some serious "me time" and get IC during this time. I hope during this time you will come to the realization of what you've done to your husband, your boyfriend's exwife and yourself and then make steps to improve yourself.

Then it's Tabula Rasa

start over


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you want real advice?
> 
> 
> end the relationship
> ...


This is terrific advice...nothing like a good long look in the mirror to start finding some of those much needed answers.:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you want real advice?
> 
> 
> end the relationship
> ...


:iagree:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Strange, how the answers are all right there in front of us, MOST OF THE TIME. It wasn't until I stopped spinning like a top that I realized that people are showing us exactly who they ARE all the time! We just have to be smart enough to pay attention, and stop making excuses for their ****ty behaviour. Recognize this!


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