# Bored In My Marriage



## nochemistry (Mar 30, 2013)

Hello. I am new to the forum so I am hoping I am posting in the right spot. *Please no judgement *either. So my husband & I have been married for almost two years. I was NINETEEN when we got married after only dating for 5 months. He was 21. Yes, I know we were young but that is common in our (or only his now) religion. I am 21 now and he is 23 and I am starting to feel really bored in the marriage. I have a very high sex drive and it seems like he would be satisfied having sex only once a week or less. When we do have sex he doesn't turn me ON. He doesn't kiss me, he doesn't try to seduce me, he will sigh sometimes or say "hurry up let's go". That is not normal to me. I am young, attractive, and in shape. Guys are generally attracted to me, and my husband says he is but he doesn't ACT like it. He will compliment me sometimes but he doesn't seem attracted to me in bed. He doesn't seem interested in touching my body and he doesn't look at me with desire. I have talked to him about this before but he doesn't see the issue. Also I like using a vibrator to stimulate my clitoris but I feel like he gets offended when I use it. He says "other things" (referring to just sex) feel good too, but I can not orgasm without my clit being touched I have told him this. I am starting to get really frustrated because I feel like this shouldn't be an issue. Shouldn't I be feeling sexually attracted to my spouse? I find him incredibly attractive, but not in a sexual way because he makes sex feel like a joke. Sometimes he will joke around during sex, he just is never serious! Either he is acting like he wants to get it over with or he is acting like its a funny joke. Either way that doesn't turn me on. I have talked to him about this. No he does not masturbate or watch porn. He is not cheating on me. I just don't know whats going on.

Other issues in are marriage are the he is Mormon and I left the church. I hate where we live in Utah because I am surrounded by Mormons pressuring me to join the church and I cannot be myself. I just feel trapped and bored here. I hate it. Please, any advice?


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## nochemistry (Mar 30, 2013)

Please, slow down. The amount of responses is overwhelming...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Tell him what you tell us.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

17 minutes and you complain no responses? Are you that impatient with your husband?

Trying2figureitout already gave you the best advice you'll get.


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## nochemistry (Mar 30, 2013)

nochemistry said:


> I have talked to him about this before but he doesn't see the issue.





Trying2figureitout said:


> Tell him what you tell us.



I have. He gets annoyed that I complain about living in Utah and that he doesn't seem as interested in sex as I am. He says we can have sex every other day, but the issue is he doesn't actually want it. "Diminishing returns", is what he always says. That basically means that if you do the same thing a lot it will not be as good. He never initiates sex because he says he is "lazy". When he does want sex he will ask "Do you want to have sex?"...yeah let me just check my schedule...no, you do not ASK if I want to have sex. Initiate sex and turn me on.


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## nochemistry (Mar 30, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> 17 minutes and you complain no responses? Are you that impatient with your husband?
> 
> Trying2figureitout already gave you the best advice you'll get.


Like I said, I am new to this forum. On other forums I go on I get a response in less than 5 minutes. Yes I am being impatient because my husband gets home from work in 30 minutes. Where he will proceed to sit behind me on the couch, and he can see everything I am doing on the computer.

Also, not only that but 60 people had viewed my post by then and I was hoping someone could give me advice. Maybe someone else is in my situation.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

If you dont have kids then whats the point of the suffering?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Maybe it might do him good to see your original post. He might understand you are serious about this.


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## nochemistry (Mar 30, 2013)

NoIssues said:


> If you dont have kids then whats the point of the suffering?


Well, to be honest. I am my husbands first kiss, girlfriend and love. He is completely in love with me, this I know. He is an amazing man. He is nice, loving, understanding, hilarious and our personalities go great together. He is fun, but having no sexual chemistry is a bigger deal than I originally thought it would be. Having bad sex is FRUSTRATING, and living somewhere I hate is also frustrating. I don't want to give up because of bad sex, I was hoping there was a solution. It feels like we just aren't on the same page when it comes to sex & I have talked to him about it so many times I feel like we never will be. I was not a virgin before we got married, he was, so he might not understand we do not have sexual chemistry. I don't want to break his heart over something that seems so minuscule, although anyone who isn't sexually satisfied knows it is not.



ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Maybe it might do him good to see your original post. He might understand you are serious about this.


Maybe I will do just that. He will probably be more annoyed that I am complaining about it again more than anything though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". I think it will give you words you can use to talk to him about the importance of a person making sure they meet their spouse's needs.

I wonder if there are things you can do during sex to teach him to slow down and take more time. Do you do BJ's? It's a great way to bring a guy almost to finish and then slow down. He needs to learn that a huge part of the pleasure of sex is just being turned on sexually for some time... the goal is not just the orgasm.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

When we married my wife was 21 and I was 19. We had sex just about every day for the first 10 years, often two or three times.....sometimes four sometimes five, get the picture? :smthumbup:

Needless to say, we didn't get out much. I hate to say it, but you have married a LD (low drive) man, and it won't get better. Look forward to growing old without ever having the sex you crave... 

I am now 66 and my wife of 47 years and I have sex more often than you and your husband, and you are just kids. We can talk for hours about the wonderful loving we have had together... 

I'm afraid all you will be able to look back on is plenty of undisturbed sleep....:sleeping:

I hate to paint a bleek picture, but dozens of examples here on TAM bear me out......


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I am telling you now. If he is this way at 23, it isn't going to get better. I would blame part of it on maturity but a man of 23 should be raging for sex. It might be worth getting his testosterone levels checked. Or is he on any medications?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Religion and sex are two important things in a marriage. Not agreeing or not being compatible on either one can break a marriage.

A few things come to mind:
You seem to hate his chruch and you are done with it, which is ok. please learn to respect his willingness to follow his religion. You don't have to go, but don't stand in his way. I could be wrong but, I don't think Mormons are allowed to watch porn, if so please don't push or ask him to. I can see why he is intimidated by your vibrator use as well. Not saying don't use it but gently explain your needs. 

I think he's frustrated as well because you both are in polar opposites. I would suggest marriage counseling, but you have to let your guard down and listen and follow the advice. 

Read some stories here on how porn has ruined marriages. Most woman would love to have a husband like yours . Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

No matter how much you would like him to change the odds are against it. This has nothing to do with how attractive, nice, loving and caring etc you are. The way you describe him indicates he is a man with a low sex drive, or low desire. He just doesn't think about it all that often. 

If you wish to live the rest of your life struggling with having sex with your partner then stay with him. 

For those of us with spouses that are LD a lot of the time it's who they are not what they are. 

As you pointed out, to break up a marriage over sexual dissatisfaction seems crazy. Unless of course your the one who has the high sex drive. Regular sex seems to be very important to you as a priority in a relationship. 

You are not going to change him so you will need to consider changing your situation.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Nochemistry...when I was your age and younger, many of the guys of the same age were sexually like you are describing your husband (very immature and intimidated by real intimacy). But many others were not. Some people are intimidated by intimacy but they grow out of it...some never grow out of it.

If you think your husband "has it in him" somewhere and he just hasn't gotten sex and intimacy figured out yet, then definitely get to talking to him in a constructive way. There's nothing to lose.

If you don't think he has it in him, you should maybe get ready for the idea that you two likely won't have a good sex life together no matter what you try. Have you read other stories by people in a position like yours? It isn't pretty and causes a lot of divorce, sadly.

But what do you say, do you think he has some spark in there, that he can grow into? Do you see any glimpses of real adult passion and sexuality in him?


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## Rascal (Mar 29, 2013)

I got this one! He has a problem being intimate with you. Basically, for him, sex is outside his comfort zone. He uses humor to diminish the situation and make himself more comfortable. He probably thinks your hot, but he is uncomfortable telling you so. He probably wants better sex with you, but it is beyond his current ability. Being young, I would say PUSH, because you can afford to breakup. Having been in his situation, I think you should try tying him up and making him do things like its a game. He can make all the humor he wants and you get to make him do what you want. But, seriously, PUSH...you have nothing to loose, but time.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There are so many possible problems here:

HD women sometimes overwhelm men. Seen it time and time again on this forum. It's like you're the man and he's the woman. A total role reversal and it rarely works out well.

30% of men are LD and you may have married one of them. If that's the case this is the best you're ever going to get and it's just going to get worse from here.

Lack of sexual chemistry. I'm of the opinion that either you have it or you don't. Many disagree with me but I don't think it can be manufactured. 

And of course he could be upset and using sex as a weapon or he could be unhappy or like he said just plain lazy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Mavash, where did you get the 30%? I don't doubt it but am wondering if it is from a study or something.

I think at least 30% of the population are LD.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Mavash, where did you get the 30%? I don't doubt it but am wondering if it is from a study or something.
> 
> I think at least 30% of the population are LD.


30% of *MEN* and it came from the book the sex starved wife.

Not sure where that came from beyond that.


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## nochemistry (Mar 30, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Religion and sex are two important things in a marriage. Not agreeing or not being compatible on either one can break a marriage.
> 
> A few things come to mind:
> You seem to hate his chruch and you are done with it, which is ok. please learn to respect his willingness to follow his religion. You don't have to go, but don't stand in his way. I could be wrong but, I don't think Mormons are allowed to watch porn, if so please don't push or ask him to. I can see why he is intimidated by your vibrator use as well. Not saying don't use it but gently explain your needs.
> ...


I am not sure where you are coming from? I never said that I wanted him to watch porn or do anything like that. He actually use to watch porn & masturbate & I asked him to stop and he did. It is against his religion, and not only that but I didn't appreciate him masturbating yet not having sex with me. I totally respect his religion, and if he tried to do anything outside of his beliefs I would actually be crushed because I know his religion makes him happy. That is who he is and I love that. I mentioned him not watching porn because he isn't satisfying himself in any other way so there is no reason for him to not want sex daily. I don't believe he is frustrated with me, I have talked to him and asked him if he thinks we have sexual chemistry and he says yes.

As for other responses..I think he DOES had a low sex drive. I seriously don't understand how that is possible. How can one not want sex everyday? I mean, we are young we should do it as often as we can. He lost his virginity one our wedding night..the second night of marriage he said he was too tired to have sex. He just lost his virginity and he didn't want sex the next night? Seriously, that is crazy. I try to be understanding but it is hard when I am sexually frustrated. He will have sex with me if I initiate sex but other than that he doesn't seem to WANT it. Yes I do give oral. He DOES like using toys, because he has asked me to use..anal things on him. No, he is not gay at all, I guess he is just into that sort of thing.

Also, no he is not on any medications. He does not do any drugs whats-so-ever and he does not even drink any alcohol at all. I guess it really is possible he has a low sex drive. How sad for me because I know mine is incredibly high. I mean, I just don't see how I can accept being sexually frustrated all the time. Sometimes I feel myself resenting him because of it. It makes me feel like a bad sex crazed person.

Thank you for all of the advice.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Nochemistry...when I was your age and younger, many of the guys of the same age were sexually like you are describing your husband (very immature and intimidated by real intimacy). But many others were not. Some people are intimidated by intimacy but they grow out of it...some never grow out of it.
> 
> If you think your husband "has it in him" somewhere and he just hasn't gotten sex and intimacy figured out yet, then definitely get to talking to him in a constructive way. There's nothing to lose.
> 
> ...


This.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss him as LD like some of the other posters here.

It is possible but there could be a number of other reasons as well.

I'll tell you I was raised by a very conservative family and had a completely unrealistic view of women. Sex was also a taboo subject in my family. My dad's version of a sex talk was handing me a 30 year old book (from the 50's) explaining the physical aspects of sex; hardly said a word to me. I had a few awkward encounters but I really didn't hit my stride until I was 22. I do have a high sex drive but at that time I was very unsure of myself around women. Sure I was physically ready and while I was a very mature and responsible person at that point, I was immature regarding that area of my life. Looking back I sure missed out on a lot of very obvious opportunities. I should have carried around a 2x4 with a sign that said "hit me with this if you want to have sex." If only I had a time machine, lol!

What else does he have going on in his life? I remember another time that I met the girl of my dreams as far as sex goes ... I was probably 23. She wanted to have sex every day multiple times in all sorts of places. It was great ... EXCEPT ... that I was in the middle of this very difficult 3 month long training program for work. It meant long hours and after hour projects. I had to get through the program or lose my job. I'm HD but that was a little much. There were times I had just too much going on and I didn't really feel like it ... well, I did ... I just had a lot I was worried about. She didn't have nearly as much going on so it was her highest priority all the time. She'd stay in my apartment all day long and when I finally dragged my tired, hungry butt in at 8 and still had to put in another hour or two on a project and then get up at 5am, she'd hop up on a table in a nightie all ready to go. That would be a dream come true for me now, lol. 



The key here is to communicate. Communicate your expectations and desires. Teach him what feels good to you and what you need out of foreplay. You might be pleasantly surprised.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> This.
> 
> I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss him as LD like some of the other posters here.
> 
> ...


I had the same upbringing, I didn't even get the book....I knew I was intensely interested in women, and educated myself....

I was a well trained and skillful lover before I lost my virginity....The first time I had sex was with a girl with lots of experience...I blew her panties off...From then on there was no stopping me. I was a healthy young animal on a mission...

My goal in sex was to give my partner so many orgasms she couldn't wait to get back in the sack with me...It worked....I was never a "HIT IT AND QUIT IT" guy....The first few times were "training" missions. After that, the real sex would begin...

The OP and her husband are healthy young animals. that alone should result in more frequent sex than they are having...even if he didn't do a good job the first time he should have been ready and eager for the next. If his drive is too low to accomodate his wife, now is the time to find out...

If his psyche is so delicate he has to be coaxed into blossoming into a sexual person...GOOD LUCK...My prognosis in grim for the possibility of a good sex life...

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

The type of man that a woman is attracted to at age 18 is completely different than the type of man she attracted to at age 28. If you are having these kind of problems at this age, at this early point in your marriage, and without children, you are never going to make it in the long run. You haven't even hit a hurdle yet. Please do yourself, and your husband, a favor and DO NOT procreate with this man. It will be the worst mistake of your life. I would love to feed you some feel good therapy-speak but sometimes you have to call a spade a spade. In your heart, you know what the right thing to do is, do it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> 30% of *MEN* and it came from the book the sex starved wife.
> 
> Not sure where that came from beyond that.


Interesting. I've said to my wife that I figured less than 50% of men were ever intended by nature to even reproduce. Since one half-assed study showed that women rated 67% of men's photos as "below average" that may be a good number.

OP, take your H to the doctor so he can get his T levels checked.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

He lost his virginity one night and then is too tired to have sex the next night??
That is seriously nuts. When I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend we were having sex as often as we could. Cause it was new, exciting..

He definitely has low sex drive


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## rattlertx17 (May 8, 2012)

i would add something into the mix and blow his mind one day. watch some porn and pick something out of it yall havent done, and surprise him with it. let him take a trip up the back road or tell him to go on your chest or something right in the middle. surprises always seem to spark new appreciation for it. you wont have to do it every time, but nice to add new plays to the playbook.


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