# How to move on



## inneedofadvice (Oct 16, 2009)

Is there any way to forget and move on without coming clean and asking for forgiveness for my irresponsible actions? I feel as if I'm never going to be able to push anything out of my mind if I don't talk to my husband, even though everyone has told me to forget and learn (everything is explained in my last post). Will it just get easier, or do I need to deal with the consequences? I feel like a horrible person and that I don't even deserve to say that I have a husband..


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## JoLoPe (Oct 16, 2009)

inneedofadvice said:


> Is there any way to forget and move on without coming clean and asking for forgiveness for my irresponsible actions? I feel as if I'm never going to be able to push anything out of my mind if I don't talk to my husband, even though everyone has told me to forget and learn (everything is explained in my last post). Will it just get easier, or do I need to deal with the consequences? I feel like a horrible person and that I don't even deserve to say that I have a husband..


I am new here...so I am not sure what your "last post" was...however, here's my couple of cents.

Some people would say you should always say everything, to be open, to be honest. The only problem with that is is that sometimes it isn't in the best interest of the situation.

Now before you think I am suggesting to be dishonest, there are a few things to consider:

1. Is there a chance your husband will find out something from someone else? If so, you should weigh that possibility. Sometimes coming clean is a more productive alternative than someone feeling that you in some way lied to them. However, I have also known of some people who would prefer not to know.

2. Which leads me to...is this desire of yours about him, or about you? That would be an important distinction to be made. Does he need to know? Or do you need to come clean about something? If it's the former, then it is more likely that he should know than the latter because there are ways you can work on letting it go for yourself.

3. No one but you can know what is best to do...NO ONE. You can get advice until the cows come home, but there is no way that anyone can know you, your husband, your circumstance the way you do, and the dynamic. I personally know of a situation where someone was compelled to "fess up" and it was very hurtful to his spouse. Was it the right thing to do? He wasn't sure after the fact.

4. Which leads me to...you know the answer. You may not want it, but you know it. We all know what's best for us in any given situation, we just don't always like the answer. Given your conflict, it doesn't sound like any answer is a good one...but there is one that is the best for you in this situation.

and last but not least

5. However you go about this, you need to be "responsible" to yourself and your husband. You need to do the best you can to relay the things that matter, and to be able to hear what is said, as well as unsaid. If you hear with your heart, instead of your fears, you will find that it might be easier to manage this situation than you thought.

Ask yourself the following question, and then see what pops into your head...

Should I tell him about -----?

What do you get? Use that as a starting place for what to do next.

PS Stop beating yourself up. There is nothing to be gained by it. Situations tend to teach us things. What have you learned from what happened?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Tell him. You didn't do anything that bad.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I am 100% incapable of giving advice. Carolyn Hax, however, Washington Post advice columnist is the queen. How timely is this? From her online chat today:

Carolyn Hax Live: Advice Columnist Tackles Your Problems - washingtonpost.com

Richmond, Va.: This question may be impossible to answer, but I'd love to see you try. When does a flirtations and/or physical interaction with a member of the opposite sex cross the line from Stupid-But-Not-Significant Mistake into Disloyalty That Requires a Spousal Confession? Assuming that nobody's health has been compromised, are there any circumstances under which it's better NOT to tell? 

Carolyn Hax: I could argue that in most cases it's best not to tell--as long as that silence is accompanied by a sincere effort to cut the crap and start dedicating your attention to the person who most deserves it. Putting terrible mental images in someone's mind is something you save for when it's necessary--say, when they're going to find out some other way, or when you're torn and need to make decisions and it doesn't feel right to keep the spouse in the dark about what's going on in his/her own life. 

Now, this gets complicated if you choose not to cut the extramarital crap, or if you're thinking "the person who most deserves it" is the non-spouse. Then you need to think less about what to say and more about what to do--stay in marriage and stop being unfaithful, or get out of the marriage and stop being a fraud.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

3 asides, however:

1 - Work on the drinking. That was a potentially dangerous situation you put yourself in. You were lucky you were with friends.
2 - I'd look less at the part YOU did that was wrong and concentrate on the man who's actions were borderline sexual assault.
3 - If there is NO WAY your husband can find out, DO NOT tell him. Personally, I'd prefer 10 years later to be in a blisfully ignorant marriage than a blisful marriage with that image in the back of my head.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Tell your husband. The question isn't whether he kissed you when you were falling down drunk. Its whether you kissed him back. Tell your husband everything. Lose the best friends wife.


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## Recovered (Oct 8, 2009)

You've got to ask yourself a question. Is confessing to your husband designed to ease your own guilt and shame? Or is it designed to inform him so that you can move forward.

I suspect that its so that you can release some of the guilt and shame that you feel. Try a therapist, or a counselor, or a minister. Crushing your husband and causing him such hurt in his own life just so you can relieve your own feelings is just as harmful in my opinion as the original act itself.

And to be honest....the original act isn't that big of a deal if the circumstances are as you describe. Learn from it. Don't repeat it. Speak to someone who you can trust to keep your confidence if you need to work through it.


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