# Anger? What anger??



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Apparently we BS are supposed to feel angry. I can't ever recall feeling anger about her affair, I do remember feeling crushed and hurt.

I just remembered something. Some time after her affair, my wife said: "You aren't the man I married! You are not happy any more."

I thought: "No s**t!" but I never said anything.

Oh. Oh. Oh! I just remembered, years after the affair, years and years, I got so angry with my wife over something fairly trivial. 

I remember saying: "You have ruined my life!"

Cancel the premise of this thread. It seems I did get angry, but buried it very, dangerously deep. And only just realised that. This is why TAM is such a good resource.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LOL.

Thanks. I really needed this thread today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MattMatt said:


> Apparently we BS are supposed to feel angry. I can't ever recall feeling anger about her affair, I do remember feeling crushed and hurt.
> 
> I just remembered something. Some time after her affair, my wife said: "You aren't the man I married! You are not happy any more."
> 
> ...


 I must be your evil twin then, because I do angry first, then hurt and crushed. Angry lets me mask whatever it is I am feeling until I can sort myself out


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Anger is like troublesome relatives, it pays me a visit now and then, is unwelcome, stays longer than I want, and has to be forced to leave.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I must be your evil twin then, because I do angry first, then hurt and crushed. Angry lets me mask whatever it is I am feeling until I can sort myself out


My wife's affair was, well, it played out like a corny story. She told me she was going to have an affair. She told me, because then it would not, actually, be cheating.

She then (talk about twisting the knife?!) said: "But you do know that I still love you?"

It transpired that my wife's affair was bound up with her being an Aspie.

It was painful for me -I was hurting, as you'd expect- but we got through it.

She did apologise to me, afterwards. But there were no consequences so it was basically rugsweeping.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I buried the anger the first time

This time the anger is way out in front, in fact it arrives in the room before I do. Its defining me at the moment. Its good though too, as it makes me feel stronger. I do need to avoid crazy woman status though and am just about doing that with a bit of help from the sleep fairy . If I get up angry I get a proper day done. If I get up sad I do nothing. I'd rather have full, well lived angry days than empty pointless sad ones.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MattMatt said:


> My wife's affair was, well, it played out like a corny story. She told me she was going to have an affair. She told me, because then it would not, actually, be cheating.
> 
> She then (talk about twisting the knife?!) said: "But you do know that I still love you?"
> 
> ...


 My H was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after Dday, but shockingly the MC we had did not let him use that as an excuse. I was surprised, I thought we would walk in and he would tell me "oh, he had PTSD so that's all you need to know" but he went completely opposite. He basically told him ok, you are seeking treatment for your PTSD because you had an affair and your wife threatened to leave, so we know you are of sound mind and can comprehend the damage you have done. Almost fell off my chair.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It turns out I get angry because of:

- I have had a beer
- I had a bad day at work
- I am picking on my WW
- I won't let it rest about her intense 2 1/2 year affair with a loser known philanderer

Not *her* fault. Mine. Every time.

Without my WW I would begin to think I was just angry about total betrayal and refusal to meet me half way. I am so glad I am still in touch with her


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> My H was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after Dday, but shockingly the MC we had did not let him use that as an excuse. I was surprised, I thought we would walk in and he would tell me "oh, he had PTSD so that's all you need to know" but he went completely opposite. He basically told him ok, you are seeking treatment for your PTSD because you had an affair and your wife threatened to leave, so we know you are of sound mind and can comprehend the damage you have done. Almost fell off my chair.


My FWH too but the MC didn't go the same way. Mind cloning yours and sending him this way?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Uuuurgh 

tell me about it

I can't shake it nomatter what

It's made me a different person

I never knew I had all this inside me, Disappointed in myself for letting it get like this


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm The Prize said:


> My FWH too but the MC didn't go the same way. Mind cloning yours and sending him this way?


Ha, I wish! He is in another state, we moved since then. He was pretty great though. Mind you, it wasn't him bashing the husband or anything, but he sure didn't let him use any cop outs or excuses. I remember him looking at my husband saying " You decided that your wife and children weren't as important as getting some strange from a girl who probably lied to you about her own marriage." Wasn't hilarious then, but it is NOW.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> It turns out I get angry because of:
> 
> - I have had a beer
> - I had a bad day at work
> ...


Oh! By the way, Chris, when your wife has finished with the WW book: "How to Blameshift like a Pro" there's a waiting list for the waywards!


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Try being married to someone who is narcissistic, they could write their own books. The only things my FWH has ever admitted he was wrong about were related to the A. He refused to take the blame for anything before that. One of the reasons I figured he may be sincere. Never heard "I was wrong, I'm an *ss" before. LOL


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> Try being married to someone who is narcissistic, they could write their own books. The only things my FWH has ever admitted he was wrong about were related to the A. He refused to take the blame for anything. One of the reasons I figured he may be sincere. Never heard "I was wrong, I'm an *ss before". LOL


I feel your pain. It's probably harder than being married to an Aspie. Though not, I suspect, by all that much...


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It transpired that my wife's affair was bound up with her being an Aspie.
> 
> She did apologise to me, afterwards. But there were no consequences so it was basically rugsweeping.


You know, when Bandit gets back from his vacay in Banned-It Land, he is gonna have a field day with this comment, right?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think you have distinct tenderness toward your wife Matt, I don't think you'll be able to get angry at her


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I think you have distinct tenderness toward your wife Matt, I don't think you'll be able to get angry at her


I am sorry to say that I do get very angry with her at times. It's just so horribly frustrating.

The annoying thing is some of the stuff she comes out with I have figured out that she is just parroting stuff she must have heard as a child. (Arguments between her parents.)

For example, I'll come in from work and she'll either be loving or she'll shout something like: "Why are you taking that attitude with me?" :wtf:

I used to respond in kind, but I got wise and try to ignore that kind of behaviour, now.

If we are going somewhere and the route looks different (a wall has been repainted, fence taken down) she goes mad at me as if it is my fault.

It's so f**king hard, sometimes.

Because she is so singled-minded on a topic of conversation, I can rarely start a topic of conversation so sometimes my life can feel so very lonely. 


I am so glad I found TAM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> You know, when Bandit gets back from his vacay in Banned-It Land, he is gonna have a field day with this comment, right?


I think it was Bandit who pointed this out to me in the first place.

And who IDed that my wife's problem was not 'just' autism but more likely to be Asperger's, a syndrome he has personal knowledge of as his sister is also an Aspie.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Matt,

I need to know the ways to handle the anger.
Just horrible. Damaging myself.
What a wreck.

I am normally very quiet person......
I am unable to deal with the anger. And she knows this....

Please some veteran, post ways to deal with anger....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Matt,
> 
> I need to know the ways to handle the anger.
> Just horrible. Damaging myself.
> ...


Breathing exercises, meditation. My wife, God bless her, taught me some meditation exercises.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So wait a second, the half nelson I put my wife in is not productive?

Now spanking her...thats got to be a productive way to deal with my anger?

I might need some refresher courses in my anger management. 


Just trying to lighten up the mood fellas.

But seriously spanking her seems to work in my case. The problem is I'm not sure if its a reward for her or a punishment? LOL


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> So wait a second, the half nelson I put my wife in is not productive?
> 
> Now spanking her...thats got to be a productive way to deal with my anger?
> 
> ...


A work colleague complained that her husband will not spank her hard enough. She announced this in the middle of a crowded office. 

It went very quiet... until one of the younger women said: "What? You like being hit... by your husband? Ewwww!"

She then said: "Yes, but only on my bottom!"

The trouble is that she has a... ummm... fairly large expanse back there and I think she has given every one of her colleagues mind movies that we'd really be better off NOT having! Somewhat awkward when her husband comes to work social functions...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Matt, I'm like you I think, when someone does something to anger me, I don't really feel much of what I think anger is supposed to feel like, nor do I think it comes out anything like what anger is supposed to look like. But I think its there, we just sort of absorb it into our psyche, a niceguy/conflict-avoidance trait I think. Sometimes when you are all alone it might all of a sudden explode out in an intense but short and somewhat anti-climactic way that has no effect on anyone or anything, and you will wonder to yourself for about a day where that came from... so now you will know


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Lon said:


> Sometimes when you are all alone it might all of a sudden explode out in an intense but short and somewhat anti-climactic way that has no effect on anyone or anything, and you will wonder to yourself for about a day where that came from... so know you will know


:iagree:

Yeah,like when you're flipping an egg and the yolk breaks.Then everything seems to go to hell in a handbasket.The reaction is way out of line for the trivial event so you just know that somethings going on.With myself it's generally because I'm stuffing some kind of emotion.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When broadband conked out for the 11th time in 3 weeks I told some supervisor at tech support I would hunt them down and kill them, chop their head off and have sex with it then burn down their house and shoot whomever comes running from the flames.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i found out that anger is my friend.

its much better than depression. i alternate between anger, maybe lasts a few hours or days, but inevitably the depression and/or anxiety or self doubt set in for hours or days.

anger is much better than depression, anxiety or self doubt.

i guess its because anger is directed outward (towards the true object) and depression self doubt, anxiety is directed inward.
anger hurts much less. 

after months of relfection and self doubt and self criticism i always come back to i know deep inside i tried to give her everything i had. she just decided to give up on me.

so anger is the right emotion at least for me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jorge, atleast with depression you can go through it alone, with anger it creates conflict, and brings the wrong kind of attention to yourself. To me anger is embarrasing, depression I can sorta keep to myself. I'm trying to learn how to let my emotions show more, because depression isn't really working out all that well. It is really hard to be angry I find, though bitterness and resentment are easy to pull out of the bag.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

My problem with anger is that it always creates the feeling of need to respond in a negative manner. It may occasionally spur me to strive for results but more often than not it just makes me want to lash out.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm pissed off that summer is going by, and its beautiful here, and I am not playing any golf, sailing, gardening, mountain biking. Not even really working all that productively. Just sitting around wondering what the hell has happened. By the time I get around to what to do about it, it will be November, which kind of sucks around here.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> I'm pissed off that summer is going by, and its beautiful here, and I am not playing any golf, sailing, gardening, mountain biking. Not even really working all that productively. Just sitting around wondering what the hell has happened. By the time I get around to what to do about it, it will be November, which kind of sucks around here.


I understand that feeling all too well, it gets worse with each passing year. So do something about it! Most of those things are really quite easy to do, so just go do it, make some time for yourself and escape your misery for a little while.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Apparently we BS are supposed to feel angry. I can't ever recall feeling anger about her affair, I do remember feeling crushed and hurt.
> 
> I just remembered something. Some time after her affair, my wife said: "You aren't the man I married! You are not happy any more."
> 
> ...


I am glad you answered your own question. 

It's normal to be angry. It is dangerous to suppress it, whether or not you stay in the marriage.

IMO, expressing anger when wronged is a healthy response.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

DawnD said:


> My H was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after Dday, but shockingly the MC we had did not let him use that as an excuse. I was surprised, I thought we would walk in and he would tell me "oh, he had PTSD so that's all you need to know" but he went completely opposite. He basically told him ok, you are seeking treatment for your PTSD because you had an affair and your wife threatened to leave, so we know you are of sound mind and can comprehend the damage you have done. Almost fell off my chair.


Wow. Your shrink sounds like a good one. 

Most of the docs I saw focused too much on the claim that cheaters cheat because the marriage is unhealthy. 

Well, according to my research, that is so far from the truth. 

Sometimes it's true but many many times the cheater cheats because of their own personal issues and cheaters even cheat in happy marriages.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I feel your pain. It's probably harder than being married to an Aspie. Though not, I suspect, by all that much...


Aspies are often confused by doctors with people who have NPD or other personality disorders.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> A work colleague complained that her husband will not spank her hard enough. She announced this in the middle of a crowded office.
> 
> It went very quiet... until one of the younger women said: "What? You like being hit... by your husband? Ewwww!"
> 
> ...


A person who has such thin boundaries as to announce at the office that she wants to be spanked, MAY have borderline personality disorder, or perhaps she is on psychopharmaceuticals that effect her frontal lobes where impulse control lives.

Weird lady.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> When broadband conked out for the 11th time in 3 weeks I told some supervisor at tech support I would hunt them down and kill them, chop their head off and have sex with it then burn down their house and shoot whomever comes running from the flames.


You best be careful with that type of talk if you are in the U.S. Large companies typically reports such comments. They have to since 9/11 and all the rage shootings on campuses and in offices. 

Be careful and come to TAM to vent, not at work for your own best interest.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Anger is fine. I've learned to embrace it now rather than supress it. It can be an effective motivator to do what must be done. I've used it to blow through personal boundaries and beliefs like "you don't say things like that to your spouse" because it might hurt her feelings. And because I no longer attempt to suppress, I don't have that inner conflict and struggle; My wife is well aware of my 'state' and can not second guess.

The emotion I no longer try to control, but instead embrace... What I control is what to do with it and what actions I will allow it to fuel.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> A person who has such thin boundaries as to announce at the office that she wants to be spanked, MAY have borderline personality disorder, or perhaps she is on psychopharmaceuticals that effect her frontal lobes where impulse control lives.
> 
> Weird lady.


She _*is *_weird. She hated Rome as it was "full of Italians."

She was the one who announced that the book 50 Shades of Grey might make her need to get her "dado" out. :rofl:


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

Racer said:


> Anger is fine. I've learned to embrace it now rather than supress it. It can be an effective motivator to do what must be done. I've used it to blow through personal boundaries and beliefs like "you don't say things like that to your spouse" because it might hurt her feelings. And because I no longer attempt to suppress, I don't have that inner conflict and struggle; My wife is well aware of my 'state' and can not second guess.
> 
> The emotion I no longer try to control, but instead embrace... What I control is what to do with it and what actions I will allow it to fuel.


This is what I need to hear...and learn. I'm finding my anger rising more often lately, even as thoughts about my wife's EA come less frequently (it was about a year and a half ago). I'm using it to motivate me for some things, but I find that I am much quicker to snap at her and be argumentative now.

I need to learn the balance of not letting the negativity make me a d**k but also not taking any crap.

For the record, I only got really angry one time, about 2 days after DDay. Otherwise, I kept asking myself why I wasn't more p*ssed off like a man is supposed to be.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I feel my feelings but I moderate them.
So I might feel anger but I'm aware of it when it happens.
Then I sit it in my conscious thoughts when I get to a place where I can give it full attention, and really examine it from all different directions. I decide how much energy I'm going to give it, and whether I'm feeding it or dissipating it. I tend to make choices to dissipate. One thing I've learned is that meeting aggression with aggression makes more aggression, anger with anger, more anger, etc. I don't feed negative emotions, but I don't deny them either.
I wasn't always like this. But negative emotions including those of others proved to be a dangerous thing. So I went to 'school' to learn how to handle these explosive and destructive occurrences. It's not just me who has benefitted, almost all of my relationships and social interactions and friends and acquaintances have benefitted too. I feel like I am better fit to participate actively in society having gained not just awareness but also control. It's akin to taming a wild horse. You can never take the wild out, it's still there. But instead it feeds a certain raw energy that when moderated, can really go the distance. 

A lot of poeple don't want to allow themselves to acknowledge their feelings, they feel guilty for having them. I'm okay with holding them in place long enough to shed light on them, and to have a good look and to see just where in me it came from. Sometimes it's really surprising what I find! People suppress all kinds of things, for all kinds of reasons. It's a natural tendency, and I think maybe served our species well when we had shorter life spans and needed to react immediately to survive, but people have evolved to live longer lives and lives that don't need so much instant reactivity to anger...not all the time anyway...and so we can 'evolve' consciously within our own lifetimes not to be so reactive. Really, our adrenals will thank us for it.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

One of the really interesting things about this process has been the realization that for the first time in my life I like my anger. It’s righteous, resolute, and clear. A distilled and focused energy that harnesses reason and directs it with laser sharp precision.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Just the other day my wife and I were sat at the dinner table.

I meant to say "I wonder, my little bunnyhopkins, if you might possibly pass the salt dear" and instead in some weird freudian slip - which may have been some deep seated subliminal anger seeping through - found myself saying "You ruined my life you stupid b**ch".


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Suppressed anger can be the worst kind, Matt. Better out than in!


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> When broadband conked out for the 11th time in 3 weeks I told some supervisor at tech support I would hunt them down and kill them, chop their head off and have sex with it then burn down their house and shoot whomever comes running from the flames.


this seriously cracked me up :smthumbup: thank you!



Racer said:


> Anger is fine. I've learned to embrace it now rather than supress it. It can be an effective motivator to do what must be done. I've used it to blow through personal boundaries and beliefs like "you don't say things like that to your spouse" because it might hurt her feelings. And because I no longer attempt to suppress, I don't have that inner conflict and struggle; My wife is well aware of my 'state' and can not second guess.
> 
> The emotion I no longer try to control, but instead embrace... What I control is what to do with it and what actions I will allow it to fuel.


the control and actions are the tricky part for me, anger is telling me something needs to be addressed, and yes possibly burnt to a crisp - but not burning down the entire world in the process is the goal.



Harken Banks said:


> One of the really interesting things about this process has been the realization that for the first time in my life I like my anger. It’s righteous, resolute, and clear. A distilled and focused energy that harnesses reason and directs it with laser sharp precision.


I can really relate to this! I love my anger now, though sometimes its more like wielding a bomb. I've always been a 'stuffer' and found it very difficult to admit anything angered me personally. Getting mad on someone else's behalf was never a problem. But mine? Very hard. Now I recognize that like my lovingness, my kindness, my empathy, my fear, my happiness, my pride, my shame - my anger too is just another part of myself that isn't inherently evil. It just IS. And expressing it is not a bad thing as long as I do it in a manner that the situation warrants.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

It is righteous anger as Harken said. My rage makes me think of extra things to add in to screw idiot lying cheating STBXH in the divorce.
Depression is anger turned inwards, as my forensic psychologist told me, and that's not good.
My anger also made me change his job title to something very unflattering that went out to his whole business database - oops. It also made me chuck some of his nice stuff out which I saw a homeless person wearing the next day. It is, right now, making me consider selling his golf clubs on craigs list. I guess my point is, as long as it leads to productive results and not destructive - it's all good!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I actually miss the anger I had for a brief period there, was the only time in the last couple years I had that kind of focus or drive/determination.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Anger + Heavy Bag = Good stuff.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Brought it to new levels tonight. Involved the POSOM, a phone call. and a few promises of organ harvesting through the orifice that would formerly have been recognized as his mouth.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Prompted sharp rebuke from AllMessedUp. How can I make sense of this? I still want to pull his inards out through his gaping maw. What to do?


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## AMU (Jul 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Prompted sharp rebuke from AllMessedUp. How can I make sense of this? I still want to pull his inards out through his gaping maw. What to do?


Sharp rebuke? I don't care if you call him - your choice and I didn't suggest otherwise. When you told me you were going to buy a plane ticket to where he lives, bash his skull in, go to jail and it would all be my fault, that is when I reminded you that such action would be your choice. And when you called him back a second time tonight to threaten that to his face, I was concerned about you, not him. I understand you are worried and hurting and I want to help - please let me. Let's focus on us, not him. You're angry at me - let's face this together. PLEASE.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm sorry. Did you say something, honey? Please pass the salt.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

TBT said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yeah,like when you're flipping an egg and the yolk breaks.Then everything seems to go to hell in a handbasket.The reaction is way out of line for the trivial event so you just know that somethings going on.With myself it's generally because I'm stuffing some kind of emotion.



Or when your fixing your hair and that one little hair just wont lie down.... WELL, if that SOB would act like my WH then I wouldn't have any issues with my hair.just automaticaly lie down with a little sweet talk (looking mighty fine today) and lay. ( yep crazy thoughts can creep in out of no where) and those thought stick with you and makes you even madder!!! :rofl:


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Better living through chemistry?


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I didn't think I was that angry either until yesterday when someone honked at me for doing something stupid. I believe I shocked my wife with what came out of my mouth. I realized I was angry..really really angry and I had better get control of it before it got control of me. I was able to calm myself down.

Thankfully I am not living in anger, I may be quicker to get angry but it isn't driving me or defining me right now.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Anger + Heavy Bag = Good stuff.


This place is my heavy bag.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stay away of the booze.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I must be your evil twin then, because I do angry first, then hurt and crushed. Angry lets me mask whatever it is I am feeling until I can sort myself out


....guilty....


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Acabado, antidepressants. I hate the idea. And I'm pissed off that my MD is recommending them and that I may be medicated because of this sh!t.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AllMessedUp said:


> Sharp rebuke? I don't care if you call him - your choice and I didn't suggest otherwise. When you told me you were going to buy a plane ticket to where he lives, bash his skull in, go to jail and it would all be my fault, that is when I reminded you that such action would be your choice. And when you called him back a second time tonight to threaten that to his face, I was concerned about you, not him. I understand you are worried and hurting and I want to help - please let me. Let's focus on us, not him. You're angry at me - let's face this together. PLEASE.


_Sigh..._ Wanting to do harm to the OM/OW is not right. But perfectly normal.

Harken, he is nor worth it. 

This is the way I look at it:

If your wife steps in a dog turd, why would you want to jump up and down on the said dog turd? You know what it is, what it smells like, so why go there?

Just get some disinfectant for her shoes!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> I didn't think I was that angry either until yesterday when someone honked at me for doing something stupid. I believe I shocked my wife with what came out of my mouth. I realized I was angry..really really angry and I had better get control of it before it got control of me. I was able to calm myself down.
> 
> Thankfully I am not living in anger, I may be quicker to get angry but it isn't driving me or defining me right now.


It was HIS fault, damn it! 

Apparently...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> _Sigh..._ Wanting to do harm to the OM/OW is not right. But perfectly normal.
> 
> Harken, he is nor worth it.
> 
> ...


Or jump and down on the said dog who left the said turd.. just a thought


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Don't know what I was thinking. Found myself overcome by an irrational urge to rid the world of dog turd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Don't know what I was thinking. Found myself overcome by an irrational urge to rid the world of dog turd.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just step over dog turds. Don't stamp on them. It's the best way.:smthumbup:


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I remember going through all of the anger stages. Being angry at my wife (ex), being angry at the OM, being angry at myself, and being angry at the whole world. I'm a Marine, if I had really wanted to, I could have ruined the OM's day, but by that time, it didn't seem all that important , especially when I finally met him, and saw what a pathetic, old, greasy f**ker he really was.


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## 2ndchanc81370 (Jun 13, 2012)

On my part, I was very very angry. Imagine him having an affair with my supposedly "best friend". She who was always around -- even hugging and kissing our son ... bringing us cakes and all those goodies ... yes, I was very very angry. I was literally shrieking at her on the phone. Both of them betrayed me and made me such a fool! ... and then the pain came -- tremendous pain.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Well, I let the anger out well and truly yesterday

For the first (and hopefully last) time in my adult life I hit someone

I gave my wayward a full on palm ringing slap across his chops. Not mature , not at all but the release and relief I got from that single act after weeks of pent up fury, was enormous. He literally didn't know what hit him.

He is beyond reasoning with and we are beyond reasonable conversation at the moment. That slap said it all. Even now, 24 hrs later I feel calmer than I've felt in weeks.

He's had numerous flings over 10y but I've only found out twice - 2 x D day if you will - he's lied and lied and lied and convinced me I was imagining things and our troubles were my fault for being unable to get over things in the past when, in fact, these things were still going on and my subconscious radar knew it. I have asked for a full history now we are separated so I can come to terms with what was fact and what was fiction but he simply won't. It is that simple act of disrespect that I realised was at the bottom of my anger (as opposed to my grief which is for lots of things). Its just too arrogant of him.

Not advocating this for anyone but sometimes the baser instincts might be what's right for us.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

I always thought that depression was really only anger without enthusiasm


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> Well, I let the anger out well and truly yesterday
> 
> For the first (and hopefully last) time in my adult life I hit someone
> 
> ...


Jesus YRose you and I are definitely 'tied' by some linked comparison rope ! 

Same for me although being a guy I doubt if I'd get away with wacking her on the jaw bit, but if you don't mind I'll steal a little of what must have been immense satisfaction seeing the look on his face straight after! hehehe

And similarly my wife even whilst she is in the middle of trickle truthing some old info will be busily making up another one trying to save the inevitable full truth coming out !!

I find these people bizarre they simply have no concept that if you completely 'empty your well dry' at least there's nothing else left in there for somebody to beat you with.

Even if its 'bad' truth it leaves them, and a couple/marriage, in a place to make a start of some kind. They just cannot get this. They think drudging everyone through the immense pain of more lying and trickle truthing is saving them for 'something' maybe something better, that the guilt will never actually arrive at their doorstep.

They somehow have this insane idea leaving out whole bits will not leave gaps to be filled!
The lack of respect even when it's practically all finished is quite remarkable

My wife only three days ago still wrote to me blaming me about her serial affairs spread over the last 8 years still saying it was because I "never got a 50,000 a year job to give us a future" 

If it was not so painful to all the people destroyed by her madness it would be funny but of course it's not and that's what gets us all so fking angry day and night

Just admit you did it and you are a bad person for doing it why don't you

Although I did not hit my wife her last outburst gave me the opportunity to verbally savage her on the page with probably the most vindictive hurtful things I have ever written about another human being - sadly they were all true and I do feel a small sense of cleansing in it. 

My anger still will not lift though

I just wish it would


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## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

I wish I knew where my anger was.

I've always had a temper - I'm a pretty easy-going/laid back goofball normally, but if I got pushed far enough my temper was there. I get it from my dad.

I've been working on it for years - I am very careful with it around anyone I know well because I don't want it to damage things, and especially around my spouse. But there have been times over the years it's popped out. Be it in yelling at some d-bag on the road or whatever - I've been careful to never let it manifest physically. But anger has always been there, and easy-to-access emotion for me that I can pull out at will and use if I wanted to.

Since I've had these bombs dropped on me - I can't find it. I dunno where it has gone. I find myself poking around for it in my head, waiting for it's rush to come to my rescue and pull me out of my doldrums - to kick my self-respect into gear and to help me escape this nightmare. But it has deserted me.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

freckleface said:


> I wish I knew where my anger was.
> 
> I've always had a temper - I'm a pretty easy-going/laid back goofball normally, but if I got pushed far enough my temper was there. I get it from my dad.
> 
> ...


Well that's an interesting occurrence. I'll buy half of yours and vice versa! 

I wonder whats waiting to kick in then before you start FF?

maybe the lull before the storm


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## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

Could be. Or maybe the anger has been quick because things didn't matter before?

I've been describing how I'm going about handling this as letting future-freckleface drive. Often I find that present-freckleface isn't all that happy with how past-freckleface handled things...so I decided to approach the situation as much from a future-place as possible. Trying not to have any regrets about how I handle myself or the situation. We'll see if it lasts or if my old pal comes back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

freckleface said:


> I wish I knew where my anger was.
> 
> I've always had a temper - I'm a pretty easy-going/laid back goofball normally, but if I got pushed far enough my temper was there. I get it from my dad.
> 
> ...


You are probably in shock. A form of PTSD.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You are probably in shock. A form of PTSD.


PISD = Post Infidelity Stress Disorder


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

missmolly said:


> I always thought that depression was really only anger without enthusiasm


You made me giggle with this one Molly!

Anger, as it applies to me, is my auto response for any type of emotional pain which I really didn't realize until my husband's affair. I should say it was my auto response as I have made great progress in trying to feel sad or disappointed without attempting to kill anyone.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> PISD = Post Infidelity Stress Disorder



Hahah thats good I spose I can now add these to the other disorders or parts of suffered by my wife

she clearly has suffered in part from the following
PAD ( Pre adulterery Disorder)
BPD
BiPD
NPD
and your new one 

pissed

er sorry I mean

PISD

So in between the more commonly recognized ones she was having a a PADDY and getting herself all PISSED

:lol:


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Headspin - I hear you all the way

Freckles - its shock hun. My first D day I had no anger just deep sadness and depression but this one the anger has it and its keeping me functioning far better

Himself is, of course, trying to be quite superior today. He said we can only meet in public places because I'm 'dangerous'. I'm 5' 2" to his 6 foot and am heartbroken, hardly a danger just one very hurt wife. Then he promptly forgot what he said and popped in the house for his mail - the twit !


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> Headspin - I hear you all the way
> 
> Freckles - its shock hun. My first D day I had no anger just deep sadness and depression but this one the anger has it and its keeping me functioning far better
> 
> Himself is, of course, trying to be quite superior today. He said we can only meet in public places because I'm 'dangerous'. I'm 5' 2" to his 6 foot and am heartbroken, hardly a danger just one very hurt wife. Then he promptly forgot what he said and popped in the house for his mail - the *twit* !


You spelt that wrong.

Anyway, last weekend was very difficult for me and I darn near lost it by driving to the OM's house for a "confrontation". This was after some pretty ugly scenes with my rug sweeping, blame shifting, trickle truthing WW.

Luckily I calmed down and pulled the car over before I got far. I mean, I was beyond angry and I really shudder to think how it would have turned out had I got there. It's like having 2 people living in my head - whereas normally I am a pretty calm and thoughtful person.

I feel like this has "broken" me somehow.

I booked some IC first thing Monday to try to sort it out.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I'm not rushing to fix myself

I know I'm broken but all the other bits of me are still there somewhere

Maybe they'll get fixed in the long run or maybe just go away but for now I'm just trying to accept that this is what I am right now and with good cause. I've had bad things done to me by the one person who should've had my back, my life has been trashed and my children too. Its not our fault. We're allowed to feel bad


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> You spelt that wrong.
> 
> Anyway, last weekend was very difficult for me and I darn near lost it by driving to the OM's house for a "confrontation". This was after some pretty ugly scenes with my rug sweeping, blame shifting, trickle truthing WW.
> 
> ...



'broken' is good 

I feel like I've never ever felt before - damaged. 
'Tampered' with like somebody has gone inside my head and rearranged some things! 

I have never had a concept in 'real life' of being abused because I haven't been but I am assuming it must feel something like this.

.....and she gets pissy when I won't "act like a 'normal' familly" when with her and the kids all together

Uuuurgh!!


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Mine tells me I should behave well and be civilised and, well basically keep all his dirty little secrets, to 'protect' the children

He seems to not get the hypocrisy in that - there would be no reason to watch my behaviour had he thought about his wife and children in the first place before screwing around the town


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> Mine tells me I should behave well and be civilised and, well basically keep all his dirty little secrets, to 'protect' the children
> 
> He seems to not get the hypocrisy in that - there would be no reason to watch my behaviour had he thought about his wife and children in the first place before screwing around the town



mmm .... there's a cruel irony in that is'nt there - them being protected from the children, having already wrecked their lives.

I'll certainly be letting mine know exactly what happened when they are old enough to understand and digest it all

....but right now it would not be good as much as I want them to know

what a *****!


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