# My wife continues her emotional affair at all costs



## jakeskate

Hello! I posted several weeks ago about me finding out and confronting my wife about an emotional affair she had/is having. This started when she was in her home town 8 hours drive away from our home taking care of her dying father. I had been there and back to be there for her emotional support 3 different times in a month on top of juggling my job and our two kids. I started the year off with 120 hours of paid vacation and used 96 of those hours in the month of january being there for her. when her father did pass I was not able to be there due to not having a whole lot of vacation time left and trying to keep the kids in school. there was one occasion when she wanted me to head out of town to be with her at the drop of a hat during a really bad snowstorm and for me to bring the kids. (not thinking about the safety of her family) She was mad that i did not comply with her wishes and i told her to wait a couple days until roads are safe. Long story short right after her dad passed she went to stay at a hospitality house that was owned by the hospital. during this time she was snowed in and reached out for someone to help her get out and get some dinner because she hadn't eaten all day due to the storm. This someone was an old guy friend she grew up with. Needless to say she says she has feeling for this guy. I noticed some behaviors when i went there for the memorial service and to drive back home together. When we got back home and i noticed she was distant and not because she just lost her father but there was something else going on. so i confronted her. she admitted that she was having an emotional affair. before i ramble to much longer let me tell you this. I have gone through many stages of hurtful betrayal she caused. i 1st begged and pleaded and asked how could she do this to our family. Then i went to the angry phase that she needs to stop communicating with this guy. Then the stage of trying to win her attraction back and do nice things for her and be more affectionate. Now i'm drained and after talking about things with her to no avail. She still talks to this guy daily while i am at work for hours on end several times all the while she should be taking care of our kids. She has expressed she is not attracted to me anymore and will not be happy regardless. she says she doesnt want to settle and that by me trying to be more engaged and a better husband is awkward and strange. She is planning to go back to her home town to take care of more of her fathers things and clean out his house/get some belongings and things of that nature. she fought be tooth and nail when i brought up that i wanted to go with her and help. She said she knows i want to go with her so i can keep an eye on her and i dont trust her. Can you blame me? but ultimately i do want to help. after all i am her partner in life. As i think about things and reflect on our marriage she has held me back from being who i really am and doing so many things. I have spent our whole marriage trying to live for her and lift her up but she has never done that for me. She is the kind of woman that is not happy with anything no matter what. she doesn't have any friends in our area, she doesn't want to make friends in our area and she has no hobbies outside of trying to decorate and make our house better. she always claims we have nothing in common but only because she is not interested in anything i like to do. how can i have anything in common with someone that doesn't have any interests or hobbies. I on the other hand have a ton of things i like to do. I have come to the realization that i am going to let her go back to her home town by herself so that she can take care of her dead fathers things and explore her inappropriate relationship with this ********* scum of the earth that only wants to get in her pants i'm sure. I'm done. She says she feels trapped and has no where to go if she wanted to leave our marriage. I told her she shouldn't be that way because it is toxic for me and our children to live with her if she is not happy. I told her she needs to get a job and apartment so she can be happy and not feel trapped. I'M NOT LEAVING! it is my house and the home for my children. I do not wish to leave our marriage in search of a fantasy. My name is the only one on the mortgage anyway. I apologize for the long topic and i think i just needed to vent. Any thoughts or questions for me?


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## Marduk

It's a simple answer, but incredibly difficult. 

Get a lawyer, stop talking to your wife, kick her out if you can. 

Tell close friends and family what's happening. 

Do not chase her, try to convince her, or even interact with her about anything but your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philreag

Sorry your are here. That's why we're all here.

You'll get a lot of great advice that will be hard to do.

It's always the same.

Get your proof.

Expose the affair.

Work on yourself and plan on losing your marriage. 

Get on with your life.

Good luck to you.


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## ihatethis

I agree. she has NO respect for you or your family. The only reason why she is still there is because she has no where else to go.


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## MRR

Soooooo....what has changed in the last 4 weeks? 





*********************************
02-02-2016, 05:49 PM .



marduk 

Member


marduk's Avatar 



Join Date: Jul 2010

Posts: 5,824 





Re: emotional affair. Please help 


What you can't do is sit there while she makes up her mind. 

Stop talking to her. Get a lawyer. Throw her out of the house or at least the bedroom. Tell your closest friends or family so you can get support. 

What she wants is for you to sit there and be her safe place to come home to if it doesn't work out with the new guy. So she gets to take him for a spin while you pine for her. 

Disrupting that is perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do. For the both of you.


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## Evinrude58

ABSOLUTELY follow through with divorce and move on. This woman will rewrite your whole marriage history and have you thinking YOU are the bad guy here. Don't let her put you in limbo, don't let her mind-**** you, and don't let her break you financially if you can help it.

I'm so sorry. Lots of us, including me, know how you feel. The right thing to do is to serve her papers and let the other man have her. You are right, it won't last long. 

Just remember well how she treated you when she comes back begging for another chance.


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## Marduk

MRR said:


> Soooooo....what has changed in the last 4 weeks?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *********************************
> 02-02-2016, 05:49 PM .
> 
> 
> 
> marduk
> 
> Member
> 
> 
> marduk's Avatar
> 
> 
> 
> Join Date: Jul 2010
> 
> Posts: 5,824
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Re: emotional affair. Please help
> 
> 
> What you can't do is sit there while she makes up her mind.
> 
> Stop talking to her. Get a lawyer. Throw her out of the house or at least the bedroom. Tell your closest friends or family so you can get support.
> 
> What she wants is for you to sit there and be her safe place to come home to if it doesn't work out with the new guy. So she gets to take him for a spin while you pine for her.
> 
> Disrupting that is perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do. For the both of you.


Lol, nice catch. I forgot about that. 

At least I'm nothing if not consistent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jakeskate

easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?


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## eric1

jakeskate said:


> easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?


In this situation it's not just the cost of the divorce but that by doing it now you can control the situation. Simply put, by filing now you maintain your position in the driver's seat.

If you wait until you absolutely have to file not only will you lose the element of surprise, the first-mover advantage but you'll lose the shock value of her being served papers. All of these are strategic advantages. If you wait you'll be spending the same money but be in a (significantly) worse position.


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## jb02157

Unfortunately it doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage, she still gets half. You also can't force her to leave. The law doesn't protect a guy in situations like these.


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## MRR

jakeskate said:


> easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?


what you have been doing so far has not worked. I recommend you follow Marduck's advice. The advice he gave you on 2/2 and the advice he gave you today. 

Or, you could just keep having your talks, being told you are basically a financial net and that your wife would choose some other man right now if she could.


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## Marduk

jakeskate said:


> easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?


$3k invested in your future now will yeild many dividends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985

The addiction of the EA is extremely powerful. I know first hand and am trying to rid myself of the fog and it is very difficult. She was primed for the EA, especially with the death of her dad. She will be unable to work on the marriage with OM is still in the picture. I know this too. Nothing you can do to make her want you again while she is still in contact with him. 

Do you want her back or do you want her gone? You can file for divorce to be done or you can file for divorce to get her head out of the fog. If you want her back and money is issue, tell her she needs to get a job and apartment, not so she can be happy and not feel trapped. but because you are done with her. That might snap her out this. 

MRR is very right: "What she wants is for you to sit there and be her safe place to come home to if it doesn't work out with the new guy. So she gets to take him for a spin while you pine for her. Disrupting that is perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do. For the both of you."

Helping her snap out of the fog is the best thing you can do for both of you. After that, you can decide whether she stays or goes but until she is out of the fog, you do not have that choice as she is already gone.


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## Kivlor

jakeskate said:


> easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?


The first thing you need to do is stop thinking like this. You have a problem, and immediately you jump to why you can't implement any solutions. Instead of saying "this going to be too difficult" or "these are the reasons why I can't..." ask yourself "what do I need to do to make this happen?" 

A lot of attorneys will work with you, and take payments monthly. Ask around. Tell them your situation, and tell them what you can afford per month. Someone will work with you. If necessary, ask family / friends for a loan. Or better: get one from a bank and stick your wife with half the debt...

Listen to Marduk OP. His advice is solid. 

Once you start taking action you will feel a lot better.


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## ConanHub

Give that wench the big D and I'm not talking about your penis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985

@Jackskate, forget the venting, what is it you want to happen? Once you know that, we can give advice on how to MAKE that happen, if other than divorce. 
@Kivlor is right - "Once you start taking action you will feel a lot better." Chasing her and begging will not work. Firm positive action is needed.

You might ignore my advice because of what I told you about me. I am trying to give you perspective from the other side so that I can help YOU not your wife. I can understand both sides.

The standard "Divorce her" advice might not be your first choice or desire action, but the threat of divorce through actual legal action may help you save your marriage. Is your wife worth $3000 to keep your marriage? If not, then go the divorce route. That will cost you far more than $3000 but if your wife is not worth keeping, the money will be well spent.


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## Hope1964

So you don't want to divorce her?

A better question is, why do you want to stay married to her?

I will never in my life understand why someone who has been cheated on wants to stay with the person who cheated.

btw, I am still with my cheater, but only because I kicked his a$$ out the day I caught him 6 years ago.


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## MarriedDude

@jakeskate


You do know you don't deserve this right?

Most women are NOT like this. You can have a loving wife that isn't this one. 

Until you are willing to throw it all away....you will never have what you want


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## jakeskate

A reply to all advisers:

I was going to go back to her home town because i wanted to prevent her from exploring this relationship with the OM but now i am of the mindset to let her go alone so she can walk off the edge of the cliff. is that a step in the right direction? And yes i do need to tell her if she is going to continue talking to this guy we will be getting a divorce. i have a phone consult with an attorney today at some point to see what my options are and at least get myself in that mode. You all have good advice and i think it's just hard for me to swallow. I think what i need to know from you all after knowing the situation is:

when she goes back to her home town (by herself) how do i approach that? I understand she has to go to take care of her dad things but i know she will want to see the OM while she's there. I told her that i know this and she said maybe she wants to see him and go to dinner or whatever.

I live in south carolina which is one of hardest states to get a divorce because you have to be separated for a year before divorce papers can be served. That being said; I am not leaving my home and children. She needs to get a job and an apartment. I have some tax return money coming back to me and can help her with a down payment furnishings for her place and childcare. but she needs to get a job because the tax money will not go that far. how do i get her to comply with that plan of getting a job and apartment for herself?

I'm pretty much done and i know my wife. In a perfect world i would love to keep my wife but she would have to make some pretty major changes for me to accept her back. I also know that if we were to separate, it'll be less than a few months before she's wanting to come back to me. she's done this before. when we initially were together in the beginning, I got her pregnant and we broke up because "i couldn't make her happy" or whatever.. She decided to move to south carolina from phoenix where we met to live with her mom while she was pregnant. during the time she was gone and moved away she decided she wanted to get back together so me being the awesome amazing person that i am, packed up my **** and moved before she gave birth to our daughter. (a little more background)


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## farsidejunky

Just because she comes back doesn't mean you have to accept her and take her back.

What do you really want? Do you want to save your marriage, or are you done? Your answer to that will dictate your path, and the two paths have some pretty stark differences.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 225985

Jake,

You know what "dinner or whatever" means. Your wife told you she is going to f*** another man and you are asking how do you approach her? Sorry, just had to get that one last harsh comment out. You will be getting plenty more today. Be ready for it. You will be called a doormat or Plan B. 

Go see the lawyer and get your options. Yes, SC is a hard state for divorce. My southern state has the same laws but people still get divorced in both states, for far less reason than you have. 

You seem to be debating two paths: 
1) Let her "walk off the cliff" whatever that means. I assume you mean that she will test ride this OM and decide for herself whether or not to leave you or stay. Emotionally she has already left. even if she comes back, you will both need much work on the marriage. 
2) You separate (make her get apt and job) and then after a few months, she then comes back to you.

They are not very different paths and both can lead to her not coming back. It's just a matter of you taking action to decide the outcome that YOU want. She is going to continue to see or talk to other man. It is just a matter of how long you will put up with it before you do something. It is very unlikely she will just "stop" the affair on her own and come back to you. I have to be honest with you. In a head to head comparison, you will lose out every time to other man when you wife compares you with him. It is not just you, it is all Other Man (or woman) in all affairs. So if you do nothing to get her to stop this, you are already at an extreme disadvantage. 

There is no shame in accepting her back. You do what is right for you. What we can help you with is to provide advice to make what YOU want more likely to happen.

I ask again for your benefit. What do YOU want? You say your pretty much done. Do you want a divorce or do you want her back? The actions for these two paths are very different. Let us help with more than just how you approach wife about her "dinner" with other man.


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## 225985

farsidejunky said:


> What do you really want? Do you want to save your marriage, or are you done? Your answer to that will dictate your path, and the two paths have some pretty stark differences.


OP, @farsidejunky beat me to the post with same question while I was typing. 

Please answer FSJ. Forget what your wife is doing or wants. What do YOU want?


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## happy as a clam

Do NOT give her part of your tax return to help her start her new life (without you) in a cute little apartment!

For crying out loud, use that money for an attorney retainer fee.

And how to handle this business about how she "might want to go dinner with this guy"??? That's the moment the marriage is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jakeskate

I want a divorce i am almost positive. I think this affair has let me see the light in our years of marriage together that it'll never work. i've lived our entire marriage for her and not for myself. walking on eggshells and always seeking her approval for things and never getting it. I feel like she has never really respected me or my opinion anyway. i have spent most of our days together trying to lift her up and make her happy whether she knows it or not. she has never really tried to lift me up or support my idea's or anything. she is very insecure and not willing to do anything for herself. everything in her life has been handed to her. she has never had to sweat for grind for anything. She can find all the problems in the world but is not willing to put forth the effort for the solutions. It's just hard for me to come to realization that i am actually wanting to divorce my wife who i really truly love. She's beautiful and she's a great mother but i'm thinking with her instability and insecurities with herself, how could i love her. but i do. It's a strange feeling and she is also the mother of my children and she turns me on so easy. This has been the longest relationship i have ever had with a woman. i think the longest one that i had prior to meeting her was 3 or 4 months. so, needless to say this really difficult for me.


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## farsidejunky

Then you let her walk off the cliff. Do not expose. Consult an attorney, tell her that you are filing for divorce and setting her free, and that you are willing to do it quickly if she agrees to favorable monetary and custody agreements. Use her desire for the OM for your gain.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jakeskate

farsidejunky said:


> Then you let her walk off the cliff. Do not expose. Consult an attorney, tell her that you are filing for divorce and setting her free, and that you are willing to do it quickly if she agrees to favorable monetary and custody agreements. Use her desire for the OM for your gain.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


When do i tell her? i have been very distant and non affectionate at home over the last few days and she seems like she is reaching out for me now. I have not told her my decision to let her go to her home town by herself but i still have some time before i need to tell her that. she's planning to go the 1st week of april. i was thinking about telling her that i am filing for divorce when she returns so that i can truly let her walk off the the proverbial cliff.


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## farsidejunky

jakeskate said:


> When do i tell her? i have been very distant and non affectionate at home over the last few days and she seems like she is reaching out for me now. I have not told her my decision to let her go to her home town by herself but i still have some time before i need to tell her that. she's planning to go the 1st week of april. i was thinking about telling her that i am filing for divorce when she returns so that i can truly let her walk off the the proverbial cliff.


First step is to see an attorney. You have to know what you are potentially facing. That way you know what kind of an agreement you will accept with her.

Do not tell her anything for right now.

When does she leave for Mountaineer country?

Also, are you military?

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## jakeskate

she leaves for mountaineer country most likely april 1st. that is the start of my 7 day break from work. and no i am not military. i just work rotating 12 hour shifts at a plant


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## eric1

jakeskate said:


> When do i tell her? i have been very distant and non affectionate at home over the last few days and she seems like she is reaching out for me now. I have not told her my decision to let her go to her home town by herself but i still have some time before i need to tell her that. she's planning to go the 1st week of april. i was thinking about telling her that i am filing for divorce when she returns so that i can truly let her walk off the the proverbial cliff.



You file for divorce first. She is currently in an affair. He trip is not material to her being served.

She will receive papers then will need to decide if she wants to see if you're willing to give her the gift of reconciliation. It sounds like you're not, but that's the next step.


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## MRR

jakeskate said:


> When do i tell her? i have been very distant and non affectionate at home over the last few days and she seems like she is reaching out for me now. I have not told her my decision to let her go to her home town by herself but i still have some time before i need to tell her that. she's planning to go the 1st week of april. i was thinking about telling her that i am filing for divorce when she returns so that i can truly let her walk off the the proverbial cliff.



I do not think you have to tell her at all. Just tell her to move out and have her served. As a matter of fact, quit talking to her altogether-- she will mind-f*** you and it is going to be pretty easy to do in your current state of mind. 

So, without animosity, just don't engage other than to let her know she needs to move out. If she wont, no you cannot force her, but in any case DO NOT argue with her and do not cry and do not let it be a long drawn out discussion of everything you have done wrong to each other. Just tell her the facts and move on. At the very least you should not be sharing a room with her. 

As far as the actual D, she can find out when she gets served. 

Read up on the 180 and start working on YOU.


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## 225985

jakeskate said:


> When do i tell her? i have been very distant and non affectionate at home over the last few days and she seems like she is reaching out for me now.* I have not told her my decision to let her go to her home town by herself but i still have some time before i need to tell her that. *she's planning to go the 1st week of april. *i was thinking about telling her that i am filing for divorce when she returns so that i can truly let her walk off the the proverbial cliff.*


Unless you plan to physically restrain her (not recommended or legal) you really have no decision here, unless you meant to tell her that YOU are not going to accompany her. She is going if you do nothing. 

You can tell her, now or later, that her choices will have stern consequences and that she should prepare herself. You can tell her that you are making choices too. Let her stew and worry on what you mean, assuming she cares at this point. 

If you are done with her, see a lawyer and then have her move out now. Why wait for her to return. 

If you want her back, which I think you do, then see a lawyer now and have her move out now. Put your foot down and be a man for your wife and for yourself. 

Filing for divorce AFTER she returns from OM offers no advantage or hope, other than for you to obsesses about her doing "whatever" with other man. She will have a wild time doing "whatever" and that will definitely end this marriage, either by your decision or hers.

If you love her (and you seem to really do), and love yourself, take positive action to deter her from seeing OM. It is best for BOTH of you, it really is.


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## jakeskate

blueinbr said:


> Unless you plan to physically restrain her (not recommended or legal) you really have no decision here, unless you meant to tell her that YOU are not going to accompany her. She is going if you do nothing.
> 
> You can tell her, now or later, that her choices will have stern consequences and that she should prepare herself. You can tell her that you are making choices too. Let her stew and worry on what you mean, assuming she cares at this point.
> 
> If you are done with her, see a lawyer and then have her move out now. Why wait for her to return.
> 
> If you want her back, which I think you do, then see a lawyer now and have her move out now. Put your foot down and be a man for your wife and for yourself.
> 
> Filing for divorce AFTER she returns from OM offers no advantage or hope, other than for you to obsesses about her doing "whatever" with other man. She will have a wild time doing "whatever" and that will definitely end this marriage, either by your decision or hers.
> 
> If you love her (and you seem to really do), and love yourself, take positive action to deter her from seeing OM. It is best for BOTH of you, it really is.



She cannot move out now! and i doubt she will even if she could. i know thats the best thing to happen now but she does not have a job and i cannot afford to pay for her to move out without her having one. and you're probably thinking she can go move in with this OM, but she has told me before she is not leaving her children. which to me makes sense for her to get her own apartment in our town by herself. that way she is not leaving the children. she can be just up the street. I have a 30 minute free consult with an attorney today so i will keep you posted on how that goes


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## jakeskate

another thought:

i have been looking at our cell phone records and i know when she is talking to this guy. but she doesn't know that i know. i dont think she knows that i know what his number is.


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## TeddieG

jakeskate said:


> I have a 30 minute free consult with an attorney today so i will keep you posted on how that goes


:yay::yay::yay:


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## tom67

jakeskate said:


> another thought:
> 
> i have been looking at our cell phone records and i know when she is talking to this guy. but she doesn't know that i know. i dont think she knows that i know what his number is.


Call him up and tell him to pick her up you are done taking care of her and she is his problem now.
Then grab the popcorn.
Have you exposed to close friends and family.


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## ReturntoZero

tom67 said:


> Call him up and tell him to pick her up you are done taking care of her and she is his problem now.
> Then grab the popcorn.
> Have you exposed to close friends and family.


Blow it out of the water.

You'll always regret it if you don't.


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## Heartacher

jakeskate said:


> She cannot move out now! and i doubt she will even if she could. i know thats the best thing to happen now but she does not have a job and i cannot afford to pay for her to move out without her having one. and you're probably thinking she can go move in with this OM, but she has told me before she is not leaving her children. which to me makes sense for her to get her own apartment in our town by herself. that way she is not leaving the children. she can be just up the street. I have a 30 minute free consult with an attorney today so i will keep you posted on how that goes


I really feel for you in this desperate situation. I am facing the same issue myself, although my wife and I have always had a close, loving and mutually supportive relationship (28 years of it). I am not at the stage yet of letting her know that I know about her dalliance, but it's mere days away. I am hoping that facing my wife with what will happen to her/us financially (and to the home in the country that she loves) if her emotional affair leads to divorce, will force her to see the reality of the situation - but she might not. If you want to get your wife back the spectre of a looming divorce might do it, but it sounds like your marriage was already a bit of a shipwreck. Anyhow, even if she did come back could you live with the constant suspicion and loss of all trust?


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## tom67

ReturntoZero said:


> Blow it out of the water.
> 
> You'll always regret it if you don't.


:iagree:

This may actually scare the guy away at this point he has nothing to lose.
Why not.


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## 225985

jakeskate said:


> another thought:
> 
> i have been looking at our cell phone records and i know when she is talking to this guy. but she doesn't know that i know. i dont think she knows that i know what his number is.


She told you she is going to "dinner or whatever" him. Of course she is talking to him and unless she thinks you are completely naive, knows you know and does not care. She is in the fog and the continued contact by phone, text, FB etc continues this romantic dopamine fueled fantasy. (I know the rush that this type of contact gives the unfaithful partner.)

Jake, if your wife was addicted to drugs or alcohol, would you take action NOW to help her? Yes, this is different, is a deal breaker, and yes she is making this choice. But the addiction is the same nevertheless, maybe stronger. It seems against common sense to want to help the person cheating on you, but if you want this marriage to continue, take action now after talking to lawyer.

Time is your enemy right now, even more so than your wife or the other man. That does not mean you rush to decision. You must make informed decisions about what is best for you and your kids after talking to the right experts. 

Let wife stew about her having to get a job and eventually live apart from her kids while she is planning date night with OM. Make it clear that you will fight strongly for 100% custody (even if you will accept 50% do not tell her that.) 

Good luck to you and the kids.


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## Chaparral

I would tell her now. I would tell her exactly what you are thinking. Tell her since she is having an affair you are getting an attorney asap and you are going to officially separate so the divorce process can start. Tell her to tell her boyfriend she's a free woman and you don't want her. Tell her to borrow some money from him and for her to get a job.

Take your money out of the bank, open your own acct and close joint credit cards. Treating her with kid gloves got you into this.

Call her boyfriend and tell her you're dumping her. Tell her mother. Tell everyone you can think of.

Btw, he's already been pounding her. Find out if he is married or has a girlfriend.


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## Chaparral

See if you can get her and/or him to admit the affair and record it. You just may be in luck.

"South Carolina is not a progressive state when it comes to divorce. Some states no longer recognize fault-based grounds at all. South Carolina’s legislation still recognizes fault, however, and judges will also consider it when deciding issues of alimony and property division. In some cases, it can even tip the scales when child custody is in dispute.

Fault Grounds
South Carolina’s four fault grounds include adultery, physical abuse, substance abuse and desertion. Technically, there is no ground for emotional abuse, but if a spouse lives in fear for her health and safety, it qualifies as physical abuse. Substance abuse includes both drug addiction and alcoholism. The desertion ground requires that the spouse who left the marriage remains away for a year or more. A divorce is only fault-based when the spouse filing alleges one of these grounds in her complaint.

Proving Fault
Alleging fault in a South Carolina complaint for divorce does not automatically place the other spouse at fault. The filing spouse must then prove the marital misconduct to the court’s satisfaction. This can happen as early as a temporary hearing to establish orders for custody and support while the divorce is pending, particularly if the wronged spouse is asking the judge to order the other spouse out of the marital home. To prove adultery, the wronged spouse must substantiate that the other spouse had both the intention and the opportunity to stray. Physicians' reports and the testimony of witnesses can establish physical cruelty. Medical records, eyewitness testimony and police reports can substantiate a ground of habitual and consistent drug or alcohol use. A spouse can establish desertion by providing a lease, mortgage or utility bill for the other spouse at another residence, but she would also have to prove that he left against her will."


----------



## eric1

I disagree with calling him. She is her problem. That dude is looking for a naive piece of a$$ and he's getting one. A call from a dude a thousand miles away isn't going to scare him away.

Now is the time to verify if he's actually single though.

Her not having a place to live falls under 'not your problem'. GREAT job on the legal consult. Ask him what is the quickest way to get her out of your life. You're going to need to do this as fast as possible else your emotions will kill your insides.


----------



## ontar

jakeskate said:


> i 1st begged and pleaded and asked how could she do this to our family. Then i went to the angry phase that she needs to stop communicating with this guy. Then the stage of trying to win her attraction back and do nice things for her and be more affectionate.


You begged and pleaded, that's weak and if anything it will drive her further away from you and closer to him.

Asking her how she could do this to "your family"? She's doing it to YOU not your family and what do you expect her to say? "I'm doing it because it feels good and I don't care about your feelings"?. Because that's the answer. 

Anger? Anger only works as a behavioral modification tool if the person you're getting angry at cares what you think. You angrily told her she needs to stop communicating with the guy. She obviously doesn't agree with you so telling her this is pointless.

The nicing her back with affection is like trying to get the cow back in the barn after it's gotten a taste of a field full of fresh grass. Good luck with that one!


----------



## straightshooter

I hope you truly understand that if she goes alone she is going to hook up with this guy as sure as you are breathing. She has already told you she has "feelings; for him, and does not want you there.

have you flat out asked her is she intends on seeing him when she is there????

Just like you cannot throw her out, she cannot stop you from going. you need to take some control here and start making the decisions.

I just I guess will never understand why BH cannot stop taking the bull **** and act and do something. Anyone can get cheated on, but that does not make you helpless.


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## ConanHub

jakeskate said:


> She cannot move out now! and i doubt she will even if she could. i know thats the best thing to happen now but she does not have a job and i cannot afford to pay for her to move out without her having one. and you're probably thinking she can go move in with this OM, but she has told me before she is not leaving her children. which to me makes sense for her to get her own apartment in our town by herself. that way she is not leaving the children. she can be just up the street. I have a 30 minute free consult with an attorney today so i will keep you posted on how that goes


Cheaters should not dictate terms. Expose her to everyone and expose OM too.

Tell her she doesn't get to be a slvt and mom.

She gives you an amicable divorce and co-parents.

You are a damn babysitter for her otherwise. She goes on dates while you take care of the house for her.

Stop your stinking thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Once you get the attorney and D rolling, make sure you separate your finances. She gets no more financial support from you. Let her see what life will be like without your paycheck. 

Begin the 180:



*So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.*


----------



## jakeskate

All good comments but i am not calling this dude or telling her family about this. That is not going to help anything. I just got a call from the attorney and they set up my phone consult for March 14th at 10am. That sucks! wanted to get some answers so i'm not stewing for another 3 weeks. 

and as far as fault in the divorce, is an emotional affair considered adultery?


----------



## 2ndchanceGuy

jakeskate said:


> All good comments but i am not calling this dude or telling her family about this. That is not going to help anything. I just got a call from the attorney and they set up my phone consult for March 14th at 10am. That sucks! wanted to get some answers so i'm not stewing for another 3 weeks.
> 
> and as far as fault in the divorce, is an emotional affair considered adultery?


Why not tell her family. ?
You need as many people on your side as possible. 
It also helps if your soon to be x feels guilty. You want this to last until the divorce is final. It sure helped get rid if mine with less fighting. 
More than likely when it all sinks in she will want to work it out but will still carry on with the guy


----------



## eric1

I agree that while calling her boyfriend isn't going to help much, EXPOSING the affair is the certified #1 to kill an affair. You MUST expose it.

Mind you, even if you do not want to stay in the marriage, you still need to kill the affair. It will eat you from the inside.

Find another lawyer, three weeks is WAY too much. You may need to pony up a few bucks, even if times are tough it'll be the best money that you've ever spent.


----------



## ConanHub

jakeskate said:


> All good comments but i am not calling this dude or telling her family about this. That is not going to help anything. I just got a call from the attorney and they set up my phone consult for March 14th at 10am. That sucks! wanted to get some answers so i'm not stewing for another 3 weeks.
> 
> and as far as fault in the divorce, is an emotional affair considered adultery?


Ok. I am out. You don't know shyt about how to deal with this.

Exposure helps everything concerning an affair.

Your wife is behaving like a damn ****roach. Shine light on this and see how fast the running starts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor

jakeskate said:


> All good comments but i am not calling this dude or telling her family about this. That is not going to help anything. I just got a call from the attorney and they set up my phone consult for March 14th at 10am. That sucks! wanted to get some answers so i'm not stewing for another 3 weeks.
> 
> and as far as fault in the divorce, is an emotional affair considered adultery?


Ok, it sucks you've got to wait that long, but the great news is you're not sitting on dead center anymore! 

In South Carolina, there are 5 reasons for divorce.

Separation for 1 year
Adultery
Physical Cruelty
Habitual Drunkenness (or narcotics use)
Desertion (abandonment)

The rules for each of these in your state will be best explained by your attorney, but you can read the opinion of the SC Bar Association here. 

It may be cheaper and easier if you let her go sleep with this guy, and either get her to admit it in writing, or get a PI to provide proof. As your attorney about it, he'll know.

*ETA: DO NOT SEPARATE FROM YOUR WIFE UNTIL SHE HAS A JOB AND HER OWN APARTMENT. DO NOT HELP HER WITH YOUR MONEY. SC CAN AND WILL FORCE YOU TO PAY ALIMONY TO SUPPORT HER DURING THE SEPARATION.*

Here are some more resources you should take the time to read. Real World Divorce.


----------



## Kivlor

ConanHub said:


> Ok. I am out. You don't know shyt about how to deal with this.
> 
> Exposure helps everything concerning an affair.
> 
> Your wife is behaving like a damn ****roach. Shine light on this and see how fast the running starts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In the case the OP wants to just D, and move on, then it may be best to not expose. 

Exposure is to stop the affair. South Carolina views Adultery as one of the only reasons for permitting a divorce without a minimum 1 year separation. If OPs W is going to refuse to separate, this could get expensive, ugly and take forever.

Just depends on what your goals are. OP, if you want to stop the Affair and try to save your marriage, exposure is the only real method.


----------



## Sparta

By the way she sounds, And how confident she is and has total disregard towards OP that I wouldn't doubt if she's already fvcked him.!!! not an EA it's a PA ...!! I would bet Everything I had that she's already had a PA let her go good riddance... That way you can prove that she's had an affair done deal did you start thinking about being without that nightmare
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

Kivlor said:


> In the case the OP wants to just D, and move on, then it may be best to not expose.
> 
> Exposure is to stop the affair. South Carolina views Adultery as one of the only reasons for permitting a divorce without a minimum 1 year separation. If OPs W is going to refuse to separate, this could get expensive, ugly and take forever.
> 
> Just depends on what your goals are. OP, if you want to stop the Affair and try to save your marriage, exposure is the only real method.


Some exposure needs to take place regardless of D or R.

She will try and lie to rewrite history and cause as much trouble post divorce as possible.

He needs his family, and hers for that matter, on his side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist

jakeskate said:


> All good comments but i am not calling this dude or telling her family about this. That is not going to help anything. I just got a call from the attorney and they set up my phone consult for March 14th at 10am. That sucks! wanted to get some answers so i'm not stewing for another 3 weeks.
> 
> and as far as fault in the divorce, *is an emotional affair considered adultery?*


That's not going to be a problem because it will be physical as soon as she is in the same location as he is, assuming that hasn't happened already.


----------



## Marduk

jakeskate said:


> A reply to all advisers:
> 
> I was going to go back to her home town because i wanted to prevent her from exploring this relationship with the OM but now i am of the mindset to let her go alone so she can walk off the edge of the cliff. is that a step in the right direction? And yes i do need to tell her if she is going to continue talking to this guy we will be getting a divorce. i have a phone consult with an attorney today at some point to see what my options are and at least get myself in that mode. You all have good advice and i think it's just hard for me to swallow. I think what i need to know from you all after knowing the situation is:
> 
> when she goes back to her home town (by herself) how do i approach that? I understand she has to go to take care of her dad things but i know she will want to see the OM while she's there. I told her that i know this and she said maybe she wants to see him and go to dinner or whatever.
> 
> I live in south carolina which is one of hardest states to get a divorce because you have to be separated for a year before divorce papers can be served. That being said; I am not leaving my home and children. She needs to get a job and an apartment. I have some tax return money coming back to me and can help her with a down payment furnishings for her place and childcare. but she needs to get a job because the tax money will not go that far. how do i get her to comply with that plan of getting a job and apartment for herself?
> 
> I'm pretty much done and i know my wife. In a perfect world i would love to keep my wife but she would have to make some pretty major changes for me to accept her back. I also know that if we were to separate, it'll be less than a few months before she's wanting to come back to me. she's done this before. when we initially were together in the beginning, I got her pregnant and we broke up because "i couldn't make her happy" or whatever.. She decided to move to south carolina from phoenix where we met to live with her mom while she was pregnant. during the time she was gone and moved away she decided she wanted to get back together so me being the awesome amazing person that i am, packed up my **** and moved before she gave birth to our daughter. (a little more background)


Listen man. I'm reacting emotionally here because I've been through this, and I know your pain, and I hate the part of myself that let this happen.

Did you ever listen to the Cure? What was once deep and dark and introspective and meaningful has become this:









In other words, a satire of what once was. And that's what your marriage is now: a satire of what once was.

My advice... Don't threaten, beg, plead, wait, ultimatum...

"Have fun, and say Hi to your boyfriend for me while you're there. By the way, I have some papers for you to go over with your lawyer."

And close the door. Not just to her, but this whole part of your life. Don't be Robert Smith who's fat and old and still wearing makeup and teasing his receding hair. Be a new awesome version of who you can be in the future instead of hanging onto the past.


----------



## happy as a clam

jakeskate said:


> I just got a call from the attorney and they set up my phone consult for March 14th at 10am. That sucks! wanted to get some answers so i'm not stewing for another 3 weeks.


Ok, I'm sure there's more than ONE attorney in your town. Keep calling around until you can find one to speak with in the next few DAYS, not WEEKS.

Someone will take your call.


----------



## happy as a clam

jakeskate said:


> All good comments but i am not calling this dude or telling her family about this. *That is not going to help anything.*


WRONG!!!

All you're doing now is showing us how much you DON'T know about resolving this, as evidenced by the above statement.

Why are you asking for advice, only to tell us it won't work -- despite the fact that it has worked thousands of times before in situations JUST LIKE YOURS?


----------



## 225985

Starting opening checking, savings, and credit card accounts in your name only, if joint accounts. If the credit card accounts have her listed as authorized user only (not joint owner) you can have her name removed from the account. Note that your credit score may take a hit if you close long established accounts and replace with new ones. Talk to your credit card company before you do this. Surely they have seen this before. You also need to make sure that HER credit score is not destroyed if you do this because she might need credit score to get an apartment. You have a vested interest in her getting her own apartment and job (which also might need a credit score)

Make sure any new money into the household goes into accounts only you control. If she is hard up for money, she can hit up mom to get money to see her BF. This is where exposure to her family helps. 

You want to cut off her access to money to finance the trip to OM, even gas money. You still have to pay the house bills but why fund her trip. Make sure all kids expenses continue to be paid. 

Make sure that she cannot drain the checking and savings accounts (and any investment accounts) if and when this turns nasty.


----------



## 225985

Jake, you are free to ignore any advice you see here. But when more than 90% of the experience posters clearly tell you that exposure of this affair is your best (and probably only) option to save your marriage, then you should real strongly consider following that advice. Read more threads in this section. You will see many have been in your situation before and most who have followed your current path (letting WS roam free) have ended in divorce. 

Comments from you such as "That is not going to help anything" have no basis in fact and you certainly cannot know that. Granted, the exposure advice might ultimately not help. But the odds are better through exposure than not.

Affairs not only exist but THRIVE in secrecy. (I and many other know that for a fact.) The secret phone calls and texts allow the fantasy to continue and GROW. Once this is out in the open, the appeal of the affair is significantly reduced. Imagine the powerful allies you can have in her family when they tell her "what the F*** are you thinking?" when they confront her and tell her she will lose her home and family over this.

You seem conflict avoiding. You do not even know how to approach your wife about her trip to see BF. (I mean no offense). You do not want to tell her family. You want and think you can handle this yourself but that will not work. If you really thought that, you would not be on TAM. If you just want to vent, tell us your story and we can watch the divorce take place. If you do not want that as eventual outcome, then act like you do not want that outcome. 

If you really care about your marriage, fight for it and do the right thing for you, your family, and ultimately your wife. Your actions of not doing much about this are NOT lost on your wife. Your inaction is taken by her to be your permission to engage in this behavior. 

You do not want to embarrass your wife through exposure. We get that. So rather than temporary embarrassment you are willing to let your marriage end. Think about it.


----------



## jakeskate

i just cant see myslelf spending the rest of my life with this woman after reflecting on the reasons she is not happy in our marriage. its all her choices and her not willing to make choices to work on her own happiness. it always get turned around on me that its my fault for whatever reasons come up. her affair is because "I wasn't there and she wanted to feel pretty" (I was there several times for weeks on end for an entire month) and the fact that i call her on her **** when she's the one ****ing the marriage up she always finds a way to turn it around on me. I agree with almost everything you all are telling me. it's just that its a hard pill to swallow. I know what i have to do and i think it is divorce. might need to sleep on it but ultimately think thats where this is going


----------



## MarriedDude

jakeskate said:


> i just cant see myslelf spending the rest of my life with this woman after reflecting on the reasons she is not happy in our marriage. its all her choices and her not willing to make choices to work on her own happiness. *it always get turned around on me* that its my fault for whatever reasons come up. her affair is because "I wasn't there and she wanted to feel pretty" (I was there several times for weeks on end for an entire month) and the fact that i call her on her **** when she's the one ****ing the marriage up she always finds a way to turn it around on me. I agree with almost everything you all are telling me. it's just that its a hard pill to swallow. I know what i have to do and i think it is divorce. might need to sleep on it but ultimately think thats where this is going


I call that the "The Turn" -that person is attempting to redirect the discussion. There are several ways to shut that down that seem to work pretty good. 

#1: Listen to the Turn attempt...Repeat it back. Follow up with "I hear you -It sounds like that is important to you. We can surely discuss that issue. I would prefer to make this talk productive and keep on track -one item at a time". use what form of speech you normally do.....Do not repeat it like a robot. 

#2: (my favorite)..."Out-Concern". Whenever the turn starts...agree that their issue is important...in fact...presume that it is more important than they even realize. It's so important in fact that it must be discussed, in depth, right now. Whatever they are worried about...you are MORE worried about. Once cornered in this way -they are in the position of convincing you that it's not that bad....BAM..they just made your argument. 

People that are conflict avoidant -or simply conflict-inexperienced..find it helpful to write everything down beforehand...making sure to write down the other persons expected responses and statements -be ready.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

jakeskate said:


> *She cannot move out now! and i doubt she will even if she could. i know thats the best thing to happen now but she does not have a job *and i cannot afford to pay for her to move out without her having one. and you're probably thinking she can go move in with this OM, but she has told me before she is not leaving her children. which to me makes sense for her to get her own apartment in our town by herself. that way she is not leaving the children. she can be just up the street. I have a 30 minute free consult with an attorney today so i will keep you posted on how that goes


Well, this is HER problem! She should have thought of the consequences before bringing another man into her marriage! Don't make this YOUR issue! She can stay at her dad's if nothing else. She should have thought of her children first!


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Please cancel/freeze any joint accounts you have.

Stop funding her affair.


----------



## Vinnydee

Just a quick note. Psychologist say that people like your wife can become addicted to a man and despite knowing the consequences, they cannot stay away from him. The suggestions given involve moving far away. I fell for a woman a long time ago and I moved out of State because despite not wanting to see her, I always ended up doing so.

The other thing is to remember that your wife is the one cheating on you, not the guy she is with. Focus your anger where it belongs. I am sure that he did not hold a gun to your wife's head and force her to love him. I never blamed the other man when my women cheated. Men tend to want to believe that their wives were taken from then rather than face the fact that they just love him more than they do you. Every cheating wife I knew, would cheat would cheat regardless of whom they cheated with. Face the fact that if you marriage was good and you kept your wife satisfied with your marriage, she would not want to cheat. No one lured her away from you. She was just unhappy with her life with you for reasons only you know. 

I do not have a monogamous marriage and yet my wife does not want to even have sex with another man, much less an affair. She told me that I am more than enough man for her and that I make her fell sexy, loved, desirable and attractive. I still treat her as if we were dating by taking her out to dinner, exotic vacations and all that other romantic stuff that happens before our marriage.

In my much younger and stupider days, I had affairs with married women. It was never a case that I won them over. They seduced me. They came to me because their husbands took them for granted. They never made them feel like sexy woman anymore other than perhaps during the few minutes that they had sex. Sex got boring and often the husband was sexually selfish. They no longer had a reason to get all dressed up to go out on the town for a night or two each month. Their lives got to be routine. I struggled with married women. I had dated many but only had sex with two of them. One had just moved into her mother's house as the first stage of separation because her husband was having an affair. The other was a professional cheater with a husband who kept forgiving her and often turned a blind eye to her cheating rather than face a divorce. I never ran into a married women who had not cheated before. Never met one who said that their husbands treated them great but they decided to cheat on them just for the heck of it. Never met one that I convinced to cheat. They had all made up their minds to cheat long before they met me. So don't blame the guy because you do not want to feel that is a better man that lured your wife away from you and if it were not for him, all would be well. 

One bit of advice. If your wife is committed to the affair, divorce her. Once love is lost it cannot be regained. It is a chemical reaction in our brains and cannot be thought into existence. If you wife says she still is in love with you but cannot leave her boyfriend, then move. I had to change jobs but I got away because my marriage was more important than anything else.

Good luck to you and please focus on your wife and not the other guy. He fell in love with your wife just like you did and did not sneak into your house and kidnap her. It was your wife's decision and if not him, someone else. A sure thing is very attractive to most men. I traveled a lot and met many married women at bars who had one too many drinks in them. I would hear their stories about their husbands and unhappy marriages. There is a reason why half of marriages end in divorce and even more people cheat. It usually takes two to make a bad marriage and one of those two is not the other guy. He is not cheating on you, your wife is.


----------



## Chaparral

So you think a woman is going to do what she is doing and they have never slept together. You're wrong.


----------



## Chaparral

You say the talk on the phone. Get a VAR and record some of those convos.


----------



## jakeskate

kinda funny thing is she just texted me one of those meme things and its 4 pictures of girls biting their guys cheek, tugging on their guys ear or doing something annoying. the caption says "If your girl doesn't annoy you then she isn't your girl"

I have told her several times in our marriage that she does little things that annoy me. like come up and pinch my nipple or try to tickle me when i'm concentrating on something, so i get the meme's purpose. but giving the situation its more of a mind****. i do not know how to respond or if i should respond at all.

she is obviously trying to test the waters now that i have been aloof and unavailable the last several days.


----------



## Marduk

jakeskate said:


> kinda funny thing is she just texted me one of those meme things and its 4 pictures of girls biting their guys cheek, tugging on their guys ear or doing something annoying. the caption says "If your girl doesn't annoy you then she isn't your girl"
> 
> I have told her several times in our marriage that she does little things that annoy me. like come up and pinch my nipple or try to tickle me when i'm concentrating on something, so i get the meme's purpose. but giving the situation its more of a mind****. i do not know how to respond or if i should respond at all.
> 
> she is obviously trying to test the waters now that i have been aloof and unavailable the last several days.


This is emotional manipulation pure and simple. You see it for what it is, right?

Please be my safety net while I do what I want with whoever I want?

The best response is no response. Or "I will only respond to texts about X" where X = logistical items. 

Ps I will never forget my ex wife's response when she called me up and there were women giggling in the background. We were separated and moving to divorce, she was with someone else, and still she had the nerve to ask me what women were there with me and what was I doing with them. 

Of course they were just friends, but I just laughed and hung up on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985

jakeskate said:


> kinda funny thing is she just texted me one of those meme things and its 4 pictures of girls biting their guys cheek, tugging on their guys ear or doing something annoying. the caption says "If your girl doesn't annoy you then she isn't your girl"
> 
> I have told her several times in our marriage that she does little things that annoy me. like come up and pinch my nipple or try to tickle me when i'm concentrating on something, so i get the meme's purpose. but giving the situation its more of a mind****. i do not know how to respond or if i should respond at all.
> 
> she is obviously trying to test the waters now that i have been aloof and unavailable the last several days.


She wants your attention. She is noticing you are acting different. The more she does not get it the more she wants it. Wait til she gets no attention from you (180), then you will really see her needy response. 

The old you is always available to her and she knows that. Once D starts she will really see what she will be missing. Sad that it takes D for WS to take notice.


----------



## Kivlor

ConanHub said:


> Some exposure needs to take place regardless of D or R.
> 
> She will try and lie to rewrite history and cause as much trouble post divorce as possible.
> 
> He needs his family, and hers for that matter, on his side.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is true. I just think that discretion may be the better part of valor for this specific situation. It may be best to blow this up later, and have evidence of her with OM first. He may even want to wait on filing D--but not on getting ready and meeting with an attorney. This is the opposite of advice I would normally give--I'm big on exposure. D laws in SC actually take into consideration adultery, so it's a little different than most cases. His wife is unemployed. He stands to lose his kids and potentially be paying alimony for years. It is common in SC that alimony be awarded during the separation, and then discussed as a part of the divorce.

Exposing now would seem a little impetuous to me, if OP really does just want to D and move on. If he's interested in stopping the A and trying to R, then he should expose rapidly, expose far and wide, and expose without warning. 1st to his best friend, 2nd to his parents, 3rd to her parents, 4th to her siblings or other close relatives, 5th to her closest friends, and finally to the OM. All in a row, one call right after another. So when it comes down on her, it's a deluge, and not a trickle. I would still do this if filing D--just maybe at a later date.


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## jakeskate

yeah its kinda ****ed up


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## eric1

jakeskate said:


> i just cant see myslelf spending the rest of my life with this woman after reflecting on the reasons she is not happy in our marriage. its all her choices and her not willing to make choices to work on her own happiness. it always get turned around on me that its my fault for whatever reasons come up. her affair is because "I wasn't there and she wanted to feel pretty" (I was there several times for weeks on end for an entire month) and the fact that i call her on her **** when she's the one ****ing the marriage up she always finds a way to turn it around on me. I agree with almost everything you all are telling me. it's just that its a hard pill to swallow. I know what i have to do and i think it is divorce. might need to sleep on it but ultimately think thats where this is going


You still need to expose though. As much as you want to say that you don't give a crap, she's going to invent stories about you being the bad guy. You will give a crap, it's human nature to defend oneself.

Put it this way, why make that your problem when it can be fixed with a few phone calls?


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## jakeskate

eric1 said:


> You still need to expose though. As much as you want to say that you don't give a crap, she's going to invent stories about you being the bad guy. You will give a crap, it's human nature to defend oneself.
> 
> Put it this way, why make that your problem when it can be fixed with a few phone calls?


agreed, and i would only have to make 2 calls. she doesn't give a **** what anyone else in her family thinks. It'd be her mom and our family friend that watches the kids from time to time. she's like another gramma to the kids i guess you'd say. I've already told my mom and dad about whats been going on and they think the D is the only way for us after hearing about our drama for years.


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## eric1

If your parents are saying to move on it must be bad. Parents typically hang onto marriages harder than anyone else. 

Move swiftly and don't give her any idea of what you're doing. You only get the element of surprise once.


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## Kivlor

eric1 said:


> If your parents are saying to move on it must be bad. Parents typically hang onto marriages harder than anyone else.
> 
> Move swiftly and don't give her any idea of what you're doing. You only get the element of surprise once.


:iagree: ^^ THIS ^^

If you are going to expose, it should be done with zero warning. It should be done to anyone who your W cares about. It should be done all at once, with no delays once you start.

I really do think waiting is the better idea OP. Once you expose, there's no going back. She will be angry, frightened and perhaps looking for some vengeance.

When you expose, you should call the OM, and tell him that everyone knows, and you would like him to come pick her up, as she's his problem now. If the OM has a W, GF or Fiance, they need to know.


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## JohnA

Are your parents local? 

As to SC divorce laws I've read they are tough on adultery, and even while sepearated hooking up is adultery. You said your in laws live eight hours away. Are they in the same state ? 

Finally you mentioned a phone cons with attorney, how did that go?


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## wizernow

I think you should consider exposure (at least to close family and friends) even if you are sure you want divorce. This is a very trying time for you. You need support; why should keep her secret when telling the truth to those who love can help them help you.


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## jakeskate

JohnA said:


> Are your parents local?
> 
> As to SC divorce laws I've read they are tough on adultery, and even while sepearated hooking up is adultery. You said your in laws live eight hours away. Are they in the same state ?
> 
> Finally you mentioned a phone cons with attorney, how did that go?


My parents live in california and her mom lives in a town 2 hours from us in south carolina. but her brother lives in ohio and hes a psycho. so not talking to him about ****. as far as the consult, they scheduled me for March 14th. I'd like to get something sooner tho. 

And get this. last night i told my wife i am not going to go with her back to her home town in April. said i dont want to stand in her way of seeking happiness but i am done. She says to me that she is over the affair and it was just her dreaming and it'll never happen. but i know she just talked to the guy the day before. I've been looking at phone records. i did not tell her that i knew though.


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## ThreeStrikes

jakeskate said:


> She says to me that she is over the affair and it was just her dreaming and it'll never happen. but i know she just talked to the guy the day before. I've been looking at phone records. i did not tell her that i knew though.


Good job.

Ignore what she says, watch what she does.

If she wants to R, and you are open to it, then rugsweeping is not an option. She will have to become fully transparent.

I'd lay low for a few days and continue to monitor.


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## ConanHub

She is just going underground with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jakeskate

ThreeStrikes said:


> Good job.
> 
> Ignore what she says, watch what she does.
> 
> If she wants to R, and you are open to it, then rugsweeping is not an option. She will have to become fully transparent.
> 
> I'd lay low for a few days and continue to monitor.


i agree. i usually go to bed hours before she does because i have to work early and she is naturally a night owl. she's been coming to bed the last few days and rubbing me or wanting to hold my hand/arm and touching. i just pretend i'm still sleeping.


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## straightshooter

Jakeskate,

So basically you have accepted that she is going to go home and have sex with him, and you are going to do nothing but sit home and brood.????

Not a great plan. I hope I got it wrong.


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## MJJEAN

Expose what? TAM'ers may know she's having an EA and suspect it has gone PA or will as soon as she's back in the hometown, but the rest of the population seems to be a bit less savvy. He starts telling people she's having an affair, she's going to tell them he's a nutter and that all she did was chat with an old school friend who lives out of state and her husband is paranoid and controlling and yadda yadda yadda. As long as there is no proof of inappropriate conduct, chances are no one will believe there is anything going on.

Here's the thing, though. You don't need to prove to ANYONE else that your wife is having an EA/possible PA. You can simply say something along the lines of "Wife, you're cheating on me, at least emotionally, with OM. Your choices are to stop all contact with him, of any kind, for life, and work on healing or we separate in preparation for divorce." And you mean it!


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## jakeskate

straightshooter said:


> Jakeskate,
> 
> So basically you have accepted that she is going to go home and have sex with him, and you are going to do nothing but sit home and brood.????
> 
> Not a great plan. I hope I got it wrong.


yes thats wrong. i told her i am done. she can go do whatever she wants because i am done. when she gets back we will be discussing a separation whether she sees this other guy while she's up there or not. I'm just letting her know that i'll be fine without her. go seek whatever happiness you want but i'm done. i cant make anything happen now anyway. i have to live with her until she gets a job and can afford to move out. if she says shes over it and she really is over it. i'm still done


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## JohnA

Does your MIL live 8 or 2 hours away ? You haven't really discussed your children. Usually courts are very reluctant to allow a move to another state or a great distance away by the parent with primary custody. So the distance her hometown is away is important.


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## jakeskate

JohnA said:


> Does your MIL live 8 or 2 hours away ? You haven't really discussed your children. Usually courts are very reluctant to allow a move to another state or a great distance away by the parent with primary custody. So the distance her hometown is away is important.


MIL lives 2 hours away. My children are not leaving my home. they are in the school district that we like and they have nice things in my home they live in now. My wife would have to get an apartment close by our house. she is not planning on moving back home and not planning on moving in with her mom. shes not planning on leaving at all to be honest. but she will have to face facts when i tell her we need to separate and she needs to get a job and apartment.


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## 225985

jakeskate said:


> after hearing about our drama for years.


 @jakeskate, I am truly sorry you are in this position and that your marriage is ending. It may not matter at this point, but understanding the drama of the last few years may give insight into how you and her got to this point.

IMO EA/PA just do not happen out of the blue. IMO nearly all of us are capable of affair, even if we think we would never do that. (You will also see that mentioned in many of the best TAM-recommend marriage books.) Affairs always happen to other people, right? I am not blaming you or condoning your wife's behavior, but I understand it. 

It sounds like your wife's A (EA, PA, whatever) is not the ONLY reason why the marriage is over.


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## JohnA

So your openig post was incorrect as to number of hours your FIL lived ? 

How easy would it be for your wife to find a job? How do you see custody working out ? 

Finally, a lot of what your wife says may be rubbish, but some of it may not be. You mentioned not being there when she is sick. Keep listening and making changes in yourself to build a better you and better marriage next time around.


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## jakeskate

JohnA said:


> You mentioned not being there when she is sick.


I have always been there when my wife is sick. i allow her to get rest and i practically am her live in nurse when she is sick. I take better care of her than anyone ever would when she is sick. dont know where you gathered that part.. 

But, yes the issue in our marriage is not the affair. The affair is just a symptom of our unhappy disfunctional relationship and there are definitely things that i should have paid more attention to and put forth more effort. but ultimately she is the one in control of her own happiness and it doesn't matter what you do (I know my wife really well) she is not satisfied with anything. she needs some meds and i've been saying that for years. she definitely has depression and anger issues. not saying its all her fault but i cannot make her happy if she is unwilling to make herself happy.


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## Marduk

jakeskate said:


> My parents live in california and her mom lives in a town 2 hours from us in south carolina. but her brother lives in ohio and hes a psycho. so not talking to him about ****. as far as the consult, they scheduled me for March 14th. I'd like to get something sooner tho.
> 
> And get this. last night i told my wife i am not going to go with her back to her home town in April. said i dont want to stand in her way of seeking happiness but i am done. She says to me that she is over the affair and it was just her dreaming and it'll never happen. but i know she just talked to the guy the day before. I've been looking at phone records. i did not tell her that i knew though.


Do you see what happens when you stop playing the "pick me" game and walk away?

All she is looking for is a safe place to come back to if her fantasy doesn't work out. That's all you are to her right now.

Walk away. Stop talking to her. Be gone a lot. Smile a lot. Make her wonder what you're up to, instead of the other way around.


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## Marduk

jakeskate said:


> i agree. i usually go to bed hours before she does because i have to work early and she is naturally a night owl. she's been coming to bed the last few days and rubbing me or wanting to hold my hand/arm and touching. i just pretend i'm still sleeping.


You need to tell her to sleep somewhere else -- she's no longer welcome in your bed.

Seriously.

When my wife tried to do that when she was starting up her EA and lying to me, it made me want to puke. Once I even got up out of bed and retched.

And when she refused to leave the bed, I did. For weeks. Even when she begged me to come back. Until the EA was done for good and we were in MC, and it was working.


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## Hope1964

It's easy to tell how conflicted you are from your posts. In one you're all ready to stand up for yourself, then in the next you're feeling sorry for her. Believe me I totally understand that. It's hard to harden your heart toward someone you've cared for for a long time. But it's what you have to do. Even if she doesn't leave you should kick her out - the fact you want that to happen will send her a very clear message. And quit talking and start DOING. Find another lawyer if that one won't see you for three weeks.


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## MJJEAN

jakeskate said:


> But, yes the issue in our marriage is not the affair. The affair is just a symptom of our unhappy disfunctional relationship and there are definitely things that i should have paid more attention to and put forth more effort. but ultimately she is the one in control of her own happiness and it doesn't matter what you do (I know my wife really well) she is not satisfied with anything. she needs some meds and i've been saying that for years. she definitely has depression and anger issues. not saying its all her fault but i cannot make her happy if she is unwilling to make herself happy.


Being married to a depressive is difficult. Being married to a depressive who is unwilling to seek help and put in the work is impossible.


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## MRR

jakeskate said:


> My parents live in california and her mom lives in a town 2 hours from us in south carolina. but her brother lives in ohio and hes a psycho. so not talking to him about ****. as far as the consult, they scheduled me for March 14th. I'd like to get something sooner tho.
> 
> And get this. last night i told my wife i am not going to go with her back to her home town in April. said i dont want to stand in her way of seeking happiness but i am done. She says to me that she is over the affair and it was just her dreaming and it'll never happen. but i know she just talked to the guy the day before. I've been looking at phone records. i did not tell her that i knew though.


well, first of all she is lying to you and will continue to do so, so my question is this:

Are you going to discuss this with her every effing day? 

Quit. Talking.


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## naiveonedave

this is the prototypical pre-selection scenario from MMSLP....


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## straightshooter

Jakeskate

Glad you have decided to get rid of her . At this point there is no reason to play possum and not tell her you know every thing she is doing . Let her know you are smarter than her and that you'll have d papers for her when she returns 

Make sure she understands you are done without a polygraph pro in Gaye has not sent him or slept with him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

jakeskate said:


> yes thats wrong. i told her i am done. she can go do whatever she wants because i am done. when she gets back we will be discussing a separation whether she sees this other guy while she's up there or not. I'm just letting her know that i'll be fine without her. go seek whatever happiness you want but i'm done. i cant make anything happen now anyway. i have to live with her until she gets a job and can afford to move out. if she says shes over it and she really is over it. i'm still done


Not separation...

Divorce.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Separation is only a half-ass wimp's way of trying to force someone to love him. You don't wait for her to come home from her fvckfest. You go see a lawyer today and get it all lined out and filed. Have her served with a D petition when she gets back.


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## Hopefull363

Jake, 

You need to stop expecting your wife to do what you want her to do. After all you didn't expect her to have an EA did you? More than likely she will not be getting a job and moving out. Expect her to fight for custody, support and for you to move out. This is why you need legal help ASAP!! 

Do not wait for that one attorney. Call everyone within a certain radius. Then pick one you like. You are hiring them. They work for you. Give yourself choices. Please go to a website like dads divorce or something like that. Get your ducks in a row. Take back some power.

Your wife does not respect you. And she will never respect you as long as you continue being so passive. She has taken this affair underground and will sleep with him if she hasn't already. She says it's over but did she invite you to go with her in April? Of course not. Because it's not over.

Hope I didn't insult you. I'm just trying to help you help yourself. I know this is hard for you to go through but you at least owe it to yourself to protect yourself and your children.

Good Luck!


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## *Deidre*

jakeskate said:


> yes thats wrong. i told her i am done. she can go do whatever she wants because i am done. when she gets back we will be discussing a separation whether she sees this other guy while she's up there or not. I'm just letting her know that i'll be fine without her. go seek whatever happiness you want but i'm done. i cant make anything happen now anyway. i have to live with her until she gets a job and can afford to move out. if she says shes over it and she really is over it. i'm still done


I'm sorry this is happening in your life. It is very hard to be betrayed, but this pain will not last forever, once you move on and away from the object of your pain. I pray for you to find peace, and that you will heal.


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## Marc878

I'd move her out of the bedroom. Tell her you're setting her free.

I would try and recover her text messages on the down low. May help in the divorce.

Don't waste your life on this. It's not worth it.


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## eric1

jakeskate,

Just to clarify the timeline here, you're telling her that it's over before she goes, right?

Eric


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## Decorum

eric1 said:


> jakeskate,
> 
> Just to clarify the timeline here, you're telling her that it's over before she goes, right?
> 
> Eric



Op you are not showing leadership here. Admit it. You are hedging your bet with inaction.

She is two steps ahead of you because of it.

It's not manly but It's very common.

The last op that was this way got served first by his wayward wife, ha ha ha, he had all these plans he was bragging about, but he was not emotionally prepared to act.

If you feel weak and unconfident it's better to be honest about it as a starting point.

She is not your mother she is your wife and she has lost respect for you.

I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA

[email protected] can you supply a link to the OP's thread you mentioned.

Thanks


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## 3Xnocharm

@jakeskate, how are you doing?


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## pappygrecko

u are doing fine all u need is to concentrate on urself 
180. find urself hobbies and go out alot for coffee and breakfast
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha

Any update ?


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