# No sex for the foreseeable future



## DadTwinJJ (Oct 26, 2020)

My wife and I are 38 and 44 years old respectively. Our twins were born almost a year ago and have brought unspeakable joy into our lives! My wife is such an amazing mother to them; so full of energy and positivity and pure love and joy. I have been extended the same complements as a dad from her and others but I am not ashamed to admit that she’s the truly amazing one. She has physically and emotionally rebounded quite well from the strains of a breech C-section and intensive nursing, and was fully back at her full-time job as a tech analyst after a 5-month leave. Part of her would prefer not to work at all, but she is fiercely independent and values her job and career. Hence I am very supportive of her decision to go back to work even though my job could hold us over at least for a couple of years. Our favorite time of day is when we pick up our boys from day care. We milk every last minute from those few hours in the evening that we get to spend with them before putting them down. 

The downsides at hand do not constitute sob stories... nonetheless, they could be contributing to the fact that we have not had sex since we conceived them over a year and a half ago. Twins are demanding. They usually require the undivided attention of one of us or the majority of our combined attention. Postnatal hormones are a powerful and unpredictable thing, and even though she shows no obvious signs of depression, the forces at hand could be something of which neither of us is conscious. There’s the added stress of COVID-19 changing the nature of our work in ways that require us to creatively adjust. That does make it harder to make time for ourselves. However, even when we do set aside time and we proceed to take that time, it does not change the fact that our concentration and energy and life force imperatively invests itself where it’s desperately needed — nurturing our precious children and staying in the good graces of our employers.

I have made playful advances and my wife rejects them. Rather than initiate a serious conversation that will almost certainly proved to be stressful, I just try to stay lighthearted about my desire to be sexual with her again. She does not respond to pressure or guilt when it comes to anything, and from an objective point of view, I think this is a good thing. She should not have sex with me unless she wants to have sex with me. As much as I desperately want it, and continue to go on indefinitely with my basic needs not being met, I feel it would be even worse for her to do this out of a sense of obligation, or guilt, or fear of losing me as a partner. Nobody should ever have sex unless they want to have sex, that’s what I firmly believe. If it ever happens again, it will be because she wants me and because I want her, and for no other reason. She knows where I stand, and I know where she stands, and I have decided that is terrible as this is, the circumstances do not warrant some kind of intervention or applying pressure or ultimatums. I have decided to go without, even though obviously I will keep trying to playfully communicate that I am interested. In the end however, it is not a crime for her to not want sex and I do not see the point in framing this as a problem that resides primarily with her, as many, many women in her position go months, years, and even decades without regaining their libido.

18 months is a long time. This dry spell is something I do not expect will end anytime soon. Masturbating helps, but I don’t always find time and space for that when I want it or need it. I also realize that the circumstances are too fluid to be asking her for an open marriage at this point, especially since my desperation has not yet reached a point where I am able to detach my physical need for sex from my emotional need for the sex to be with the woman I love.

A lack of sexual intimacy for months or years — is that not a small concession in comparison to the contribution and sacrifices my wife has made? Or am I under-representing my needs in terms of their level of importance here? I’m trying to take the highroad here and not be a crybaby about it, but I will admit that the status quo is not what I had in mind. Most of my friends didn’t have to wait this long after their children were born to start having sex again, and it’s hard to put that out of my mind. 

Thank you everyone in advance for any thoughtful responses to this. I know it was a lot to read, but I wanted to be thorough and reduce the amount of conjecture so that responses could at least be more helpful to me and to others here.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Good for you, in embracing your choice to be a celibate man.


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## Aviator (Oct 22, 2020)

Wow, you're a patient and nice man- perhaps to a fault. There is no way this is normal for a marriage and is evidence that there are some serious issues here. Sex is supposed to an enjoyable, intimate, experience between spouses- not some additional work task. I thought it was a husband's job to pressure his wife for sex... lol.

I've never had twins and my wife didn't go back to work with infants/toddlers so I may have no idea what your life or wife is like. But my wife and I have had lots of kids togther. Practically speaking though, I would have gone insane if I were you. I think her continual rejections are a bit of a crime against you and your marriage, frankly. 

If I were you I'd simply push the issue by jumping into the shower with her next weekend. I wouldn't say a word but just watch her and then kiss her. repeat, etc. If that doesn't turn into sex then I would take her to a doctor or marriage counselor or both right away.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sex is one of the pillars of marriage. You made vows to be celibate except to each other. If it were food and she was the only one who could cook for you would it be OK for her to never cook again. 

Nothing is going to change unless you get the courage to address it. You are not wrong to want to have a sexual relationship with your wife, and passively accepting her disregard for a very healthy need is not helping your marriage. Most sexless marriages are unsustainable. By not addressing it you may be sealing both your fates. Eventually your wife may want it too. If you don't address it you might not be the one who sparks it in her again though.

For all you know it could be a physical thing for her. 

Your wife is not a delicate damaged flower. She prioritized her work and went back just fine. Just not you. Think about that.

You get the life and marriage you accept. Sex in marriage is a given, something is wrong that you somehow feel guilty wanting it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Are you serious? Marriage is a sexual relationship. You don’t have a marriage, you have a friend/roommate/coparent. Your wife does not have the right to unilaterally change the nature of your relationship and expect you to continue in it. If you’re OK with imposed celibacy, then good luck to you. If you think so little of your own value that you’re willing to except this, then there’s not much I can tell you that you’ll listen to. But I’ll try.

This is not normal, and it is not acceptable. I have twins too (and when they were born we had an 18 month old as well) and we were back at it within a couple few months. I would never except a celibate life within my marriage. You need to reflect on yourself and your place in your marriage and family. You are clearly not leading. All I see here is you rationalizing your wife’s lack of sexuality with you and making excuses.

I highly doubt it’s postpartum hormones at this point. I suppose it’s possible, so take her to a doctor and figure it out. If that is the issue, you can deal with it and get back on track. But I suspect you have a bigger issue. 

Assuming you rule out a hormonal issue - your wife is not sexually attracted to you and doesn’t seem to respect you enough even to offer you half-hearted duty sex (not that you want that, but the fact that she’s not even willing to try is not good). Based on your post, it seems like you put your wife on a pedestal. You seem overly supplicating and give the impression that you are more passive to her. Who is the leader in your marriage? From the vibe in your post, I get the impression it’s not you. None of this is attractive to women, it’s quite the opposite, and may account for your wife’s lack of sexual attraction. I’m not trying to be harsh and I’m not judging you or bashing you here. I’m trying to be clear and direct because I want to help you.

It’s up to you to change this, and you change it by changing you. Your wife knows that you want/need sex, she’s not stupid, she’s just not feeling it and doesn’t want to give it to you. And that’s entirely up to her, she doesn’t have to have sex with you. And it’s up to you to decide if you are the kind of man who will except a celibate marriage with a wife who doesn’t want you sexually.

You can change it by being the kind of man she wants to have sex with. I don’t know exactly what that means for her or for you, but I know that it doesn’t mean being passive. It doesn’t mean following her lead or ignoring your basic needs long-term or allowing her to neglect one of the key tenets of the marriage relationship.

You need sit her down calmly and unemotionally and explain to her that marriage is a sexual relationship, and that is your expectation and a requirement for your continued participation long-term. No yelling, no pouring your heart out, no acting butt-hurt about it, no ultimatums, just explain clearly and mean it. Also, don’t expect an immediate turn around.

Then get to work on yourself. Focus on getting better at work, get to the gym, do things that make yourself better, stronger, smarter and more attractive. Take the lead in your marriage and your household (that doesn’t mean being a tyrant or bossing her around) it means taking ownership of your situation and having a vision and direction for yourself and your family and leading the way.

She’ll either come around, or she won’t. Either way you will be in a much better position for yourself, and you’ll have a lot better options to work with. Good luck


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

The reasons for rejection are immaterial. The rejection itself is the issue, and it is already destroying your marriage. Unless you think she would have been “open” to your idea of an “open” marriage previously, which I doubt.

Google “Ted talk sex starved marriage” and see if it rings true. That 15 minutes could change everything. Have your wife watch it with you (after you watched it by yourself the first time).

You can rationalize all you want but you need help, fast.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well ...... she indeed has a lot on her plate. I think you have a two fold problem with each side having some ownership. She has thrown the wife title out the window in exchange for mom and career woman while you are too timid to directly address your wife on the seriousness of that issue.

Read the book “Mating in Captivity”.
It has a couple of points that can help you understand how some things play out in relationships.

Good Luck ! Your wife sounds like a good woman but never be scared to fight for your marriage. She is a mom but a wife as well.


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## suburbanmom (May 28, 2018)

Just another angle, from a mom of twins plus a couple older kids: given that you haven't had sex since before getting pregnant, she might be terrified of having sex because she feels like her body has changed so much. It sounds like you haven't had a single serious conversation about this yet? I think that's your first step.

If it's helpful, we had sex throughout my twin pregnancy (except for the four months that I was on bed rest and "pelvic rest" bc of early contractions) but I don't think we really were having normal sex again after delivery until they were six or more months old. My body just didn't seem to work correctly at that point, and we were both dead tired all the time. But we attempted it, and we talked about it. My experience is that it will probably be weird and not good for the first few times (though I did not have a C section, so YMMV). But anyway,n you need to start somewhere. I think you should start by talking to your wife.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Sex is one of the pillars of marriage. You made vows to be celibate except to each other. If it were food and she was the only one who could cook for you would it be OK for her to never cook again.
> 
> Nothing is going to change unless you get the courage to address it. You are not wrong to want to have a sexual relationship with your wife, and passively accepting her disregard for a very healthy need is not helping your marriage. Most sexless marriages are unsustainable. By not addressing it you may be sealing both your fates. Eventually your wife may want it too. If you don't address it you might not be the one who sparks it in her again though.
> 
> ...


Dude, this, times a hundred.

There's absolutely no reason in this situation that sex should already be heart and frequent!!

Hs and Ws that appreciate and value each other and the M make the time to maintain the relationship. That's the short answer. 

Kids, etc, it's a go to excuse for some women, but it's a sham.

Get with the program and make it happen or find out the reason why before resentment continues to grow and cause irreparable damage, which is guaranteed to happen.

You've exhibited more that enough "understanding ".

Get with her or things will go waaayyy South.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My Spidey senses are telling me that you are wanting a pat on the head, to be told what a good boy you are and here is some ice cream for being such a good boy for Momma. 

You're not going to get that from me. IMHO you are actually damaging the husband/wife bond and sanctity of your marriage. You may think you are being a good boy and a good Momma's little helper, but you are actually deteriorating the fabric of your marriage. 

Yes, child rearing is hard, exhausting and never ending work. With twins that is going to be multi-fold. But that is all the more reason why you two need to rebuild your intimacy and man/woman connection and bond. 

Here's the thing - she is not just going to be horny for you one day and jump your bones. You need to research "Responsive Desire." Her flame is not going to just spontaneously ignite like a man's would. It will need to tindered, kindled and ignited. You can't do that by making sophomoric comments and boyish pleas for Momma's affection. You are going to need to be a virile, adult man and initiate and seduce her. 

If you don't, Sven From Yoga or that hot hunk with the barb wire tattoos on his rippling biceps in accounting will. She may be an overworked mother of twins but she did not turn into a patron saint of maternal virtue that shuns all sexuality. She is a healthy adult female that needs love, affection, sexuality and intimate connection as much as any other woman. You need to man up and get your spine and balls back before she gets it from someone else and your station in life will forever be the assistant mother. 

You've been raised on Oprah Winfrey feminism. You believe it is your role as a man to change diapers and clean up puke and keep your nasty and disgusting sexuality locked up and make sure she never feels any discomfort. You are in the wrong. 

Yes you need to be an active and supportive parent. But the most important thing a parent can provide for their children is a stable and loving home. What you are doing is not actually accomplishing that even though Oprah told you that it is. 

You need to be a man and a vital member of the husband/wife team and a vital component of that is marital sexuality and intimacy. A man cannot truly love and devote himself to a woman that is not sexual with him and a woman cannot respect and honor or desire a man that has relligated himself to the role of assistant nanny and makes little boy attempts for attention and affection from Momma. 

Women have to respect a man as a man in order to desire him. They do not desire the nanny. They don't desire the maid. And they most certainly do not desire little boys that make pleas for a hug from mommy. They desire the virile man and the Lord of the Manor. 

If you continue down this path, I guarantee you that she will not desire you long term and that there is a very real risk that she will be hooking up with someone else. Now she will continue to let you change diapers and pick them up from day care and babysit them while she gets with her boyfriend. She probably won't actually leave you unless the the other man is better able to support her and swears a blood oath that he will take her and the kids full time. But her desire and sexuality with you will be over forever and she will give all her sexuality to someone else. 

Mark this date - October 26th, 2020. You have been informed. 

It's now on you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Why was there no sexuality during the pregnancy?? Was this a high risk pregnancy and was she ordered on pelvic rest by her OB???

Or one or the other of you just not want to do it?

I think this is a very important question that may answer a lot. Why no sex since conception??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me put it this way - if you don't take immediate action and address this immediately and with marked determination, you will need to change the title of this thread from no sex in forseeable future to no sex forever.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Another question I believe is relevant; how long have you two been married and how many previous marriages and children have both of you had if any?

Are these her first children?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not sure if he will be back. A lot of people seem to want to come here for strokes and to be told that they are good and that their sacrifice and suffering are noble. They aren't necessarily interested in fixing or improving their situation. I have the feeling he is one of those (assuming the post is real) 

I was hoping he would come back and address my question about how long they have been married, whether either had previous marriages/kids and why the sex abruptly stopped upon conception. 

Without his input or correction, I am left to my own imagination and assumptions. I'm going to take a stab in the dark and put my money on that she focused much of her younger years on education and career. Since a lot of his dialogue seems to have a feminist slant, I also wonder if she kind of intentionally forgo marriage and children for more personal pursuits and interests which may or may not have included partying and hooking up with dudes from the bar and the campus jocks etc. 

Then when her 30s came along she got hit by the Baby Rabies bad and became somewhat obsessed with finding someone that would settle down with her and father her children. Since JJ here seemed very supportive and seemed to embrace and admire her feminist views and lifestyle choices, he seemed the logical ( though not necessarily passionate choice) 

My guess is he himself is probably not a lady's man or skirt chaser and not what one would necessarily consider a man of the world. He may have married somewhat young and missed out on a lot of the dating and hook ups in his younger days and was now divorced. Or perhaps he was even an actual late bloomer and a bit of a 40 Year Old Virgin type (figuratively) and thought he hit one out of the ballpark when this dynamic, 30 something year old educated professional smiled at him and gave him the time of day. 

A bit of a whirlwind romance ensued along with a lot of ovulation sex every month with her walking around with a thermometer in her mouth and making him wear boxers or go commando to keep the boys cool and have the 40something year old sperm as viable as possible. 

Since it was twins with a 37 and 43 year olds, shall we even make bets on whether there was some fertility treatments taking place?????

Life was great when she was grabbing his ass making him fill her up several days in a row each month. 

But once the home test came up positive, the closing bell got rang and it was mission accomplished. No need for anymore encounters of afternoon delight when temp is up and now their hands are full with the twins they have now. 

Now his role changed from Stud-Horse to assistant nanny and provider. He can put the briefs back on and put his junk away because it is no longer needed anymore. 

The catch is she didn't go over that job description with him when she was sizing him up for the position. 

Until he comes back to clarify, that is going to be my working hypothesis. 

Does anyone else have any other theories or even wild guesses they want to share? 

(and yes, I've had a little too much time on my hands today LOL )


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not sure if he will be back. A lot of people seem to want to come here for strokes and to be told that they are good and that their sacrifice and suffering are noble. They aren't necessarily interested in fixing or improving their situation. I have the feeling he is one of those (assuming the post is real)


According to the TAM data, it doesn't appear he stayed after his initial post. That's different from someone who posts, hangs out for an hour or two, and is never heard from again. There's not much motivation to post once and not even look at the responses... so I suspect he'll be back. We also have to be careful about the rules regarding anything that might look like a personal attack on someone, and suggesting a post might not be real can tread lightly into such waters.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> According to the TAM data, it doesn't appear he stayed after his initial post. That's different from someone who posts, hangs out for an hour or two, and is never heard from again. There's not much motivation to post once and not even look at the responses... so I suspect he'll be back. We also have to be careful about the rules regarding anything that might look like a personal attack on someone, and suggesting a post might not be real can tread lightly into such waters.


I hope he does come back. 

I hope he addresses my and the other posters questions and feedback and I hope he clarifies and corrects me where I am mistaken. 

The problem with making a post and then not returning to address questions and comments is people will then be left to their own imaginations and guesses.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Wow, you have really placed her on a pedestal. She may be a wonderful mom and career lady but she sucks at being a wife. And as timid as you are and playing the nice guy, she probably doesn't respect you either. Nothing will change until you take action. You've already been given some good advice so take it.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sir, your position in this is certain doom for your marriage.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I will let all the other comments sit on their own merit...as I agree with many of them.

I have been reading a lot again about sexual relationships in marriage, and seems many experts discuss the topic of new parent seeing their spouse in a caregiver role and that does not link to a sex role. Something to consider.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP; ".......we have not had sex since we conceived them over a year and a half ago. ........."

When my wife and I were in Sex Therapy to try to save our sex starved marriage, I was told that for each year of a problem behavior it takes at least a month of therapy to change the learned behavior pattern. Avoiding the issue will just make the solution harder.

Now having said that, I can say that young children are exhausting to a mother and the father, but especially the mother. 

Your playing martyr is not going to help. Did you change your desire to have sex after conception? Some men get the whole Madonna/Wh#re complex thing. My wife complained during her two pregnancies that her body changed such that men no longer looked at her and it destroyed her self image of herself as a woman they would desire. You might be part of the problem, a big part of the problem. 

If she has a good salary, I suggest that you tell her you are concerned about how exhausting her job, the child care, etc are and you would like to hire some part time help for household cleaning, laundry, cooking, so she can get some rest and quality time. 

For what it was worth, my wife was desperate for adult conversation and activity, which is why she did volunteer work and went back to work as soon as she could. In the mean time giver her some grown up (not sexual) conversations and things to think about. Babies who don't sleep through the night create extreme exhaustion for both parents.

With your free time, read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover and as Casual Observer suggested M. W. Davis Sex Starved Marriage. They should probably help you get prepared for the future. At 38 those two babies are a blessing for her and you. Cherish them. The best thing you can give your children is role models for a healthy marriage.

Good luck


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I've known women who didn't feel physically able to have sex for a full year or more after a c-section. 

I'm no women who had kids and were so exhausted from them that they were not in the mood to have sex. 

I've known women who just had babies and weren't anxious to take any chance on getting pregnant again.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SO just a couple of comments.
I realize having kids makes your life WAY more busy. BUT, YOU AND YOUR WIFE are the primary relationship here. All of the rest are secondary. I am NOT talking about ignoring your kids and not being good parents, but the relationship between the two of you needs to be a primary focus, not an after thought. Lets face it, if you raise good kids, and then THEY go out and have their life, that is great. What are you left with? You and your wife. THAT needs to be a rock solid relationship ALL THE TIME, not just "we'll work on it then" because by "then" there will BE no relationship to work on.

Sex is foundational to a marriage -- without it, you are business partners.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've known women who didn't feel physically able to have sex for a full year or more after a c-section.
> 
> I'm no women who had kids and were so exhausted from them that they were not in the mood to have sex.
> 
> I've known women who just had babies and weren't anxious to take any chance on getting pregnant again.


It’s a cop out. 

You can’t tell me that in 18 months she hasn’t had the time or energy to give him a handjob or something.

Let’s be real here, yes people get tired and exhausted and days are stretched thin and nights way too short on sleep. Most of us here have had kids.

But she is a 38 year old, college educated, professional woman that knows darn well he wants to have an intimate life with her and she knows fully the importance of sexuality in a marriage. 

She didn’t have a few minutes nor the energy to lay nakkey with him and give him a hand in 18 months??

No. This is because she doesn’t want to. 

And by his own statement has only made sophomoric implications and hasn’t broached the topic like an adult because he is afraid it might “stress” her.

Again, this is a 38 year old educated career woman with year old twin boys - is she that intolerant to stress?? 

This is squarely on him as well, no question of that. 

But busy and tired are no excuse for a total lack of marital sexuality for a year and a half.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> Assuming you rule out a hormonal issue - your wife is not sexually attracted to you and doesn’t seem to respect you enough even to offer you half-hearted duty sex (not that you want that, but the fact that she’s not even willing to try is not good). Based on your post, it seems like you put your wife on a pedestal. You seem overly supplicating and give the impression that you are more passive to her. Who is the leader in your marriage? From the vibe in your post, I get the impression it’s not you. None of this is attractive to women, it’s quite the opposite, and may account for your wife’s lack of sexual attraction. I’m not trying to be harsh and I’m not judging you or bashing you here. I’m trying to be clear and direct because I want to help you.


Couldn't say it better!
@DadTwinJJ, read this book, it saved a lot of people who are in your shoes: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - by Athol Kay
BTW if you leave the issue for to long SHE WILL get it else where, from someone who can fire up her libido!
Buddy, a women wants a man, not a female with male parts!
Be that man because you can! You have it! Read Athol's book and start the MAP process outlined in there!

*A rule of thumb:* You should not be in a relationship with a women who doesn’t want you sexually.. That's degrading to you and destroys your pride as a man!
@DadTwinJJ, start the MAP, work on* DadTwinJJ V. 2.0*


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Really, a handy? I think most women think a man can give himself a handy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I recommend anyone who thinks this woman is copying out and lazy go Google "the first year with twins."


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Really, a handy? I think most women think a man can give himself a handy.


You’re exactly right, he can.

So if she’s not even up for that, why be married to her? 

There’s no legit excuse here. If he wants to have a full service marriage that includes basic marital sexuality, he is going to have to man up and address it like an adult.

And if she wants to remain married at all and wants to have her children in a loving two-parent home, then she is going to need to come to the negotiation table as well.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Nonsense. You need to go read about having twins. And about having a c-section. 

She's not a paid prostitute. She's the mother of his twins. That's going to be the priority for some time to come and it's going to be exhausting for her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I recommend anyone who thinks this woman is copying out and lazy go Google "the first year with twins."



No one is suggesting they be swinging from the chandeliers or attending Roman orgies weekly. 

But a year and a half with nothing??? Just plain no. Not reasonable and not healthy for a marriage. 

And I’m not just pointing fingers at her by any means. I and many of the other posters are holding him accountable for this predicament as well.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I have a girlfriend who is very sexual and she had a C-section for just one baby and did not feel like having sex for a year and a half because she was still tender inside and because she was exhausted taking care of the baby without much help. You just don't get it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Nonsense. You need to go read about having twins. And about having a c-section.
> 
> She's not a paid prostitute. She's the mother of his twins. That's going to be the priority for some time to come and it's going to be exhausting for her.


There are a million other things a married couple can do to foster marital intimacy and sexuality besides hot, sweaty PIV. 

We’ve all had kids ourselves and we’ve all had sleepless nights and exhausted days. 

My wife had two complicated pregnancies with OB ordered pelvic rest and strict bed rest and still delivered prematurely with complications. So I fully understand the the impact that pregnancy and babies can put on the sexual dynamics. 

But a year and a half with presumably nothing?? Just no. 

He has said in his own words she has recovered physically and emotionally to return to a demanding full time employment even though he has the means to support her not working. 

This is more than busy and tired. 

There is more going on than a tired mother busy with twins after a c-section.

There is trouble here and both of them are responsible for creating this dynamic and it will take both of them to fix it (assuming they both even want it fixed).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I have a girlfriend who is very sexual and she had a C-section for just one baby and did not feel like having sex for a year and a half because she was still tender inside and because she was exhausted taking care of the baby without much help. You just don't get it.


I get that.

But her hands, feet and mouth still worked didn’t they?

And his hands and lips and such still worked didn’t they. 

In a year and a half they couldn’t make out, feel each other’s bodies against each other? He couldn’t have given her backrubs or foot rubs etc and she couldn’t have given him a HJ or BJ etc? 

Where there is a will there is a way. 

A year and a half with nothing means there isn’t a will.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> and because she was exhausted taking care of the baby without much help. You just don't get it.



And if your friend’s partner wasn’t supportive then that is a relationship issue that is on him.

We only have the OP’s one post to go on but it sounds like he is very involved and supportive.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm sure she finds time to take care of herself on the regular. Whatever her reasoning for sexually ghosting you is, this is intentional.

If she won't admit that she doesn't want it (at least not with you), you are living a lie and it seems like you are afraid of her if you are so scared to rock the boat over something that is important to you.

She was very into going back to work at 5 months post kids and that was over a year ago? Better be careful there. Maybe you were replaced.

You should do some investigating (note: that doesn't mean accusing - save that for after evidence arrives).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Really, a handy? I think most women think a man can give himself a handy.





DownByTheRiver said:


> I recommend anyone who thinks this woman is copying out and lazy go Google "the first year with twins."


If the frequency or once per month, I could understand.

But not once in 18 months? Not even 15 minutes? A 5-minute quickie? Total rejection at every initiation?

That's where this argument falls apart.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

To the original poster:

Being a martyr for your wife certainly looks good on paper, but the seeds of resentment are already being sewn and growing rapidly.

If you were truly a priority to her, there would have been something in those 18 months...and you are creating the environment whereby she thinks it's okay to continue.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I recommend anyone who thinks this woman is copying out and lazy go Google "the first year with twins."


Who said lazy? No one said that. No one here believes that her being lazy is part of her not wanting sex with her husband.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've known women who didn't feel physically able to have sex for a full year or more after a c-section.
> 
> I'm no women who had kids and were so exhausted from them that they were not in the mood to have sex.
> 
> I've known women who just had babies and weren't anxious to take any chance on getting pregnant again.


I guess OP hasn't directly asked his wife the question, "why do you not want to have sex with me?", so that is an issue on his part.

Fair enough if his wife is one of these types you mention, but she hasn't communicated any of those things, which is also part of the problem.

If she were to tell him, I'm simply not in the mood or I'm scared to get pregnant again or I'm physically unable, he could understand and then decide if and / or how to deal with that.

It does seem weird on both their parts to not talk about it. Elephant in the room.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She's not a paid prostitute.


Since you mentioned prostutes, I’m going to throw this out there -

Hookers and their jons have better communication and understanding than these two.

I’m being serious and sincere. Prostitutes and Jon’s discuss sex and discuss their wants and needs and what they are and are not willing to do and for how much. 

Before a hooker and Jon get down to business they will have discussed what he is in the market for. What he is willing to pay and what he is wanting to do.

They will have also discussed what she is willing to do, what she expects in return and if there is anything she may want out of the deal that may drop the price down a little or make her more accommodating and motivated to provide what he wants.

That is head and shoulders above these two. 

You made it sound like treating her like a prostitute would be a bad thing. 

But when you break it down in terms of discussion and communications and mutual accommodation, they aren’t even living up to hooker/jon standards.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She's not a paid prostitute.


OP's post was about the most respectful and complimentary post about a wife you could make.

I don't think him being attracted to and wanting sex with his wife 18 months after having kids means he is treating her like a prostitute.

I would confidently bet that this situation is absolutely more than two standard deviations from the mean of parents of twins.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Personal said:


> Good for you, in embracing your choice to be a celibate man.


Best post.

There is always beer I guess?😉


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Here's the bottom line -- if the sexual aspects of this marriage don't improve (could they get worse?) the marriage will implode and end. Physical intimacy is one of the primary aspects of a marriage (unless there are true medical issues behind that). This will not survive unless it is restored. If she continues to reject his advances, his frustration will build up and he WILL eventually see that she doesn't see him in any sort of sexual way. He will withdraw and all the emotional intimacy will stop.

OP, you REALLY need to sit down and have a very serious talk about this. The "I'm too busy", "I'm too tired" etc. doesn't cut it. IF she is too busy for this, she needs to make time for this -- schedule it if required. Too tired -- get a baby sitter or have the grandparents watch the kids for a weekend. These types of things can be overcome IF the desire to do so is there. SHE needs to understand how much the lack of physicality is affecting you emotionally.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Sex is one of the pillars of marriage.


More like one of the legs on a three legged stool.




DadTwinJJ said:


> The downsides at hand do not constitute sob stories... nonetheless, they could be contributing to the fact that we have not had sex since we conceived them over a year and a half ago. Twins are demanding. They usually require the undivided attention of one of us or the majority of our combined attention. Postnatal hormones are a powerful and unpredictable thing, and even though she shows no obvious signs of depression, the forces at hand could be something of which neither of us is conscious. There’s the added stress of COVID-19 changing the nature of our work in ways that require us to creatively adjust. That does make it harder to make time for ourselves. However, even when we do set aside time and we proceed to take that time, it does not change the fact that our concentration and energy and life force imperatively invests itself where it’s desperately needed — nurturing our precious children and staying in the good graces of our employers.


Dawg, stress from Covid19 my azz, People f'd throughout the depression. People f'd throughout WWII, Vietnam, the middle east wars, sons daughters dying, layoffs, financial problems, et cetera. Other women have had c sections, one baby, twins, since your chick gave birth and have not only resumed banging their man but are pregnant again and will bang him up to damn near the date of delivery. Trust me. Despite the "energy and life force imperatively invests itself where it’s desperately needed" you guys have it easy compared to my grandmother who had 12 kids, all under 14 years old. (you see where I'm going with 12 kids ) Its possible she has a physical condition that's caused her to shut down or she's lost interest in you and may be banging your ultimate replacement. Haul her to a doctor and make damn sure you're privy to the diagnosis.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> (could they get worse?)


Since there ain't no such thing as having less than zero sex, I don't see how it could get worse. He'll just be in hell longer. I feel badly for the old boy. I know what its like to have been yoked to an ice burg. It turned me into something I never thought I'd be and only by the grace of God and a red headed woman, I changed directions before I was killed..


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> There is always beer I guess?😉


Or castration.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> SHE needs to understand how much the lack of physicality is affecting you emotionally.


When women lose interest they don't care how much the lack of physicality affects you emotionally. They do care when it negatively impacts them. They will either cut you in for some mercy sex or leave.
What our man DadTwin needs to do is pay special attention to Oldshirt's advice.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She is still in mommy mode and exhausted... she doesn't think about sex. The OP has hinted playfully at sex. He needs to have a serious conversation with his wife and let her know that he is not happy, in a gentle manner. I don't think his wife "gets it"... see how she reacts to the conversation...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> She is still in mommy mode and exhausted... she doesn't think about sex. The OP has hinted playfully at sex. He needs to have a serious conversation with his wife and let her know that he is not happy, in a gentle manner. I don't think his wife "gets it"... see how she reacts to the conversation...


Oh she gets it just fine. She’s not dumb. 

This is not about lack of knowledge or understanding. It’s about lack of attraction and desire for him. 

She knows.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> This is not about lack of knowledge or understanding. It’s about lack of attraction and desire for him.
> She knows.


I don't think we really know. How can you be so sure? Maybe it's in the back of her mind, but have you ever had twins? The only way to find out is to have that conversation. I usually had to ask my wife to jump-start our sexual life 3 months after birth... and she agreed. I could not touch her breasts because she was in mummy mode and she used them for breastfeeding, so they were off limits. I was happy, regardless. They looked magnificent...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I don't think we really know. How can you be so sure? Maybe it's in the back of her mind, but have you ever had twins? The only way to find out is to have that conversation. I usually had to ask my wife to jump-start our sexual life 3 months after birth... and she agreed. I could not touch her breasts because she was in mummy mode and she used them for breastfeeding, so they were off limits. I was happy, regardless. They looked magnificent...


Again, she is an educated, full grown woman out in the world. 

Unless someone is raised on a deserted island, By the time a gal is 15-16 years old, she realizes every man wants to get in her knickers and knows that sexuality is critical to a man. 

There is not a woman that walks the earth that doesn’t know that a married will have an issue with being sexually rejected and denied for a year and a half. 

She knows fully well and there is no excuse for anyone thinking she doesn’t.

It not a lack of knowledge or lack of understanding issue. It is a she-doesn’t-want-to-issue.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Again, she is an educated, full grown woman out in the world.
> 
> It not a lack of knowledge or lack of understanding issue. It is a she-doesn’t-want-to-issue.


Maybe, but if he doesn't tell her in a direct way, he'll never have sex again...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe, but if he doesn't tell her in a direct way, he'll never have sex again...


I will agree that if he doesn’t take definitive action, that he will never have sex with her again.

If he is waiting for her to initiate with him, he will be sitting there waiting and watching as she gets all polished up to go hook up with Sven From Yoga.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> If he is waiting for her to initiate with him, he will be sitting there waiting and watching as she gets all polished up to go hook up with Sven From Yoga.


This made a quick true story pop into my mind. 

Several years ago I got with an old childhood buddy of mine. He was in the middle of a divorce and he himself had a girlfriend that he has been with since. 

I asked him if his STBX was seeing anyone and his only reply was a very unemotional and apathetic, “I assume so.”

I made note of his stoicism and he told me that some time prior, he had noticed that she was losing weight, doing her hair, getting new clothes etc. 

One day he walked in to find her polishing her neatly trimmed toenails which she had never done and that she usually had nasty bear claws throughout their 20 year marriage. 

His words were, “I knew right then and there that someone else must be sucking on them and that everything was over between us because she had never done that before and she knew I wasn’t ever going to touch them.”


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> had nasty bear claws throughout their 20 year marriage.


Ok, point taken... spare us the nasty details!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> This made a quick true story pop into my mind.
> 
> Several years ago I got with an old childhood buddy of mine. He was in the middle of a divorce and he himself had a girlfriend that he has been with since.
> 
> ...


I think this is so disrespectful, and shows that she really didn't give a **** what HE thought of her grooming throughout their marriage. He didn't get to have a partner with groomed toenails throughout their marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I still think we are underestimating what it means having twins... that said, at that stage of the marriage, no way I would wait almost a year and a half with no sex without having a frank conversation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I still think we are underestimating what it means having twins... that said, at that stage of the marriage, no way I would wait almost a year and a half with no sex without having a frank conversation.


These aren't newborns. Why are you set in defending sexlessness for a year after the twins were born?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> These aren't newborns. Why are you set in defending sexlessness for a year after the twins were born?


I'm not defending it... but I've had a few kids myself (well, not personally  ) and I have been exhausted. And never had twins. So, I'm trying to imagine what's it like and it doesn't really surprise me if she's gone off sex completely. That said...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

It's just not possible that NOT ONCE in the pasts 18 months SHE hasn't missed the emotional/physical closeness if she was into her H. She CANNOT have been that tired for 18 months STRAIGHT. I don't care if it's twins or quintuplets -- at SOME POINT there had to be time for sex. What is SHE doing for her physical needs for the past 18 months?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I still think we are underestimating what it means having twins... that said, at that stage of the marriage, no way I would wait almost a year and a half with no sex without having a frank conversation.


No one is suggesting they be swinging from the chandeliers night after night the moment they get the twins home.

No one is even dillusional enough to think that having twins would not have a big impact on virtually every aspect of a couple’s lives let alone on their sexual dynamics. 

But to be completely rebuffed from conception on for a year and a half is not reasonable and it is not due to being busy and tired. 

People here have been understanding and mindful of their situation.

But so too do you need to be understanding that this is not a healthy or appropriate marital dynamic.

A few months of chaos and exhaustion? Sure, we’ve all been there, done that and got the t-shirt. 

A fundamental shift and change in sexual dynamics once sexual activity does resume? Yes, everything changes after baby(s) arrive.

But a complete shutdown for a year and half after conception?? Just no.

There is a whole more going on here and it is a dysfunctional and maladaptive process and situation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not defending it... but I've had a few kids myself (well, not personally  ) and I have been exhausted. And never had twins. So, I'm trying to imagine what's it like and it doesn't really surprise me if she's gone off sex completely. That said...


Well, I am woman and I _have_ had children (and breastfed them, too) and I am surprised that she has "gone off sex completely", for a year and a half, no that's not the regular experience.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Well, I am woman and I _have_ had children (and breastfed them, too) and I am surprised that she has "gone off sex completely", for a year and a half, no that's not the regular experience.


well, this one year and a half is 9 months pregnancy and 8 months post-partum... I agree is far too long, but not incredibly long... if she is not confronted, things will never change. I wonder how common is for women to lose their sex drive after having kids?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> It's just not possible that NOT ONCE in the pasts 18 months SHE hasn't missed the emotional/physical closeness if she was into her H. She CANNOT have been that tired for 18 months STRAIGHT. I don't care if it's twins or quintuplets -- at SOME POINT there had to be time for sex. What is SHE doing for her physical needs for the past 18 months?


This is why several of us have suggested that she has either currently or could soon be in the future getting with someone else if the OP does not address this. 

Yes, new mothers are exhausted and overwhelmed and for many sex is the last things on their minds for even months at a time. 

But they are still human beings with basic wants and needs and desires. They do not transform into Madonnas of maternal virtue and lose all desires of the flesh forever. 

Even if her own personal desires are still on leave at the moment, the OP is setting himself up to NOT be the beneficiary of those desires when they do return.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I wonder what is worse:

1. Being a husband who is not getting sex from his wife.

2. Being a wife who isn’t sexually attracted to her husband.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> 2. Being a wife who isn’t sexually attracted to her husband.


Why are lots of you jumping to this conclusion? Maybe she's just off sex and it has nothing to do with it..


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Wait until 18 months becomes 10 years. I stupidly let that happen before I finally noped out of that situation.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> Why are lots of you jumping to this conclusion? Maybe she's just off sex and it has nothing to do with it..


I believe you could be right, in that case imho it would then be both reasons.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Why are lots of you jumping to this conclusion? Maybe she's just off sex and it has nothing to do with it..


What do you think being off sex is??????


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> What do you think being off sex is??????


Still in mommy mode, hormones still playing up? It seems to me that all the men on this thread know everything about being a woman, being pregnant, giving birth and raising twins... a bit of leeway? Why is it always "she is not attracted to you"? We don't know this...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Okay I'm going to set the record straight. I'm a mom. I'm a two time mom. Who had complications after one, breastfed both, and got no sleep for literally months.

A year out, "mommy hormones" is just a fat excuse that men use who don't want to face the fact that either there wife isn't attracted enough to him to want him, AND/OR doesn't care enough about his needs to attend to the matter and work on putting sex back in their marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Okay I'm going to set the record straight. I'm a mom. I'm a two time mom. Who had complications after one, breastfed both, and got no sleep for literally months.
> 
> A year out, "mommy hormones" is just a fat excuse that men use who don't want to face the fact that either there wife isn't attracted enough to him to want him, AND/OR doesn't care enough about his needs to attend to the matter and work on putting sex back in their marriage.


Livvie, you are ONE mother and you didn't have twins... I know you are trying to give your personal take as a mother, but not all mothers are the same. All I'm saying is that lots of people are jumping to conclusions with no proof whatsoever. There could be millions or reasons and the OP hasn't been back recently to enlighten us.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

What's the OP going to come back and say...........I read y'alls advice, but I'm still not getting it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Livvie, you are ONE mother and you didn't have twins... I know you are trying to give your personal take as a mother, but not all mothers are the same. All I'm saying is that lots of people are jumping to conclusions with no proof whatsoever. There could be millions or reasons and the OP hasn't been back recently to enlighten us.


Uh huh. I'm a woman and a mom and I've had women and mom friends my whole life. Who talk about motherhood and marriage and husbands and sex. And, I do have a friend who had twins, one of which has Down syndrome!! and she had sex not that long after they were born, and they also have an additional child now. Yes, this happens. Women with twins also resume sex with their husbands. Breastfeeding women also like to have sex with their husbands (not that this was given as an issue, by OP). I was on a breastfeeding forum and a hot topic was always what kind of birth control you could safety use while still breastfeeding your infant. Scores of mommies want to **** their husbands, yes they do!!!!!

It's interesting that as a man you are in the cheering squad that it could be normal for a woman to not have sex with her husband for 18 months because kids. You might want to ask yourself why.

The truth, though, is that it's a problem. Even if she wasn't personally in the mood, she could be doing sexual things that don't require her body to respond.

Please don't bring other men into the delusion that 18 months abstinence is normal and not a problem.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Something is very wrong here.

I think either

1) She married OP because he is a great guy, would make a good partner and co-parent, and she loves him as a person, but she is not sexually attracted to him and doesn't really see a reason to have sex with him now that they have successfully procreated. Perhaps she will allow sex again if she decides she wants more children. This theory would explain why there was no sex during the pregnancy or in the year since.

or

2) Her hormones are perma-wacked. We truly are chemical engines. People with unbalanced hormones may become sex crazed or completely asexual to the point of never even thinking about it. In addition to the hormonal changes accompanied by pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding, IIRC, OP's wife is in her late 30's. This is a time when many women experience a hormone shift as their bodies prepare for menopause. Perimenopause can last a decade or more and can wreck havoc. It's entirely possible her hormones are boinked between the pregnancy + her stage of life and she needs medical attention.

That all said, I have to agree with the majority. A grown and educated woman who has dated and mated damn well knows sex creates and perpetuates pair bonding. A grown and educated woman who has dated and mated also knows that sex is not only a physical, mental and emotional release, it is necessary for many, perhaps most, to feel loved and desired.

I've carried, birthed, and raised 3 children. The youngest was a c-section. DH has had injuries. We've both been out of commission at various times over the course of the past couple decades. When out of commission DH and I've always offered alternatives to sex. Cuddles with oral, mutual masturbation while cuddling, and hand jobs, etc. Hell, one time we weren't medically allowed PIV for 2 weeks, so we spent that time cuddling, talking, making out, and then "edging" each other daily for spicy fun until we could resume PIV.

I can't speak for DH, but I can speak for me. I am physically/sexually attracted to DH. I enjoy closeness and intimacy with him. I enjoy giving him pleasure. There's no way on God's green Earth I'd go 18 days without some form of sexual intimacy, much less 18 months!

Also, having twins all through my family, I'm going to call b.s. on that excuse, too. My sister had a 2 year old when her twins were born. I don't want to put too much of my sisters sex life out there, but I will say that she made the time to be lovers. Even if it meant an hour less precious sleep that day.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> All I'm saying is that lots of people are jumping to conclusions with no proof whatsoever.


Rejecting him for a year and a half IS the proof.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Please don't bring other men into the delusion that 18 months abstinence is normal and not a problem.


I don't think you've read all my posts... I'm not condoning it. It's definitely NOT normal. All I'm saying is that there could be millions of reasons for it, but most people here are just jumping to conclusions with not enough information to back the claim she is not attracted to him. Is that clearer? I hope so.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Rejecting him for a year and a half IS the proof.


yes, it's the proof she is rejecting him, but do we know why? No.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> yes, it's the proof she is rejecting him, but do we know why? No.


????????

That makes no sense.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> yes, it's the proof she is rejecting him, but do we know why? No.


Because she's not into him, that's why. How do we know that? Because if she was into him she would want to resume sexual relations and would be doing everything in her power to make that happen. Counseling, doctors appointments to check hormone levels, gyno and physical therapy appointments to correct any possible pelvic floor issues, and so on. If she wanted him she'd be sharing other sexual intimacy with him while working to solve the primary issue preventing PIV, if there is one other than she just isn't into him, but he makes a nice partner and good dad.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Even if she IS still attracted to him she hasn't wanted to have sex with him in over a year. That's really all you need to know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> yes, it's the proof she is rejecting him, but do we know why? No.


Yes, we know why. - because she doesn’t want to. ... and she is ignoring his attempts to have sex and she is doing absolutely nothing to address it. 

And even if PIV is off the table for whatever reason, nothing he has said indicates she’s will to accommodate in some other fashion like BJ, HJ etc.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lemme put this into another context - when you are single and you ask a girl on a date and she’s says unfortunately she is unable at that point in time but offers up an alternative time or active, then you know she is at least interested in giving it a shot.

If she simply says no and offers up no valid reason and makes no counter offer or alternative, then you know she isn’t interested at all.

And if she ignores the question all together and blows you off, then you know she doesn’t want to even be bothered with it and any further attempts will be met with resentment and annoyance. 

The OP is in the latter group. That ain’t tired and busy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DadTwinJJ said:


> *She should not have sex with me unless she wants to have sex with me.*


*THAT IS WRONG!*

Odds are she has been willing and offered him a one-sided opportunity to do what he needs to do or to give him a HJ, but he has rejected that because he insists on wanting to feel wanted and needing to feel needed. Meanwhile she is independent and working on herself. 

As a relationship matures, sex is more about finding pleasure/happiness within and then choosing to share that with your spouse. Both need to be willing to let that happen and work on the skills that it takes to nurture that in each other. This is why therapists recommend scheduling sex. It gives both an opportunity to arrive at a moment where neither has arousal or desire for sex and then learn how to work together to create some sparks and make it happen. It is a skill that seems exactly like the gesture of two people working together to survive on a deserted island. Life can be miserable, or you can work together to build a fire and make life more enjoyable. For the OP and his wife it is like two people on an island and standing in the rain while one insists that there will be no fire unless the other must show that she not only wants it, but she then must ask him for it with desire. Meanwhile she enjoys learning to get by on the island without having to depend on him to make a fire. Would she appreciate it if he just made one and shared it with her? Probably.

*SHE ONLY NEEDS TO BE WILLING AND THEN THEY LEARN TO WORK TOGETHER ON HOW TO CREATE PLEASURE AND SHARE IT WITH ONE ANOTHER.*


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

badsanta said:


> *THAT IS WRONG!
> 
> SHE ONLY NEEDS TO BE WILLING AND THEN THEY LEARN TO WORK TOGETHER ON HOW TO CREATE PLEASURE AND SHARE IT WITH ONE ANOTHER.*


I agree with this... this is also what we did as a couple (until, obviously, we hit depression, empty-nesting, menopause, weight gain, total lack of self-esteem, mental issues... )


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

84 posts, and no positive update from OP?

He knows what must be done, now is a time for action. 

If no action, OP at this juncture that's on you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Why was there no sexuality during the pregnancy?? Was this a high risk pregnancy and was she ordered on pelvic rest by her OB???
> 
> Or one or the other of you just not want to do it?
> 
> I think this is a very important question that may answer a lot. Why no sex since conception??


This * 100. The simple and mist likely answer was she wanted to get pregnant and sex with you was the means. She got what she wanted and cast you aside.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@DadTwinJJ, any updates?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

18 months and they haven’t even had a discussion about zero sex in 18 months. You think most normal. Couples would have had multiple “fights” over this by now. As was said, she doesn’t even care enough about this guy to talk to him about it. He is too passive to even demand a hearing to his legitimate complaint. He hasn’t been back. He doesn’t want to hear the truth. 18 months with no sex and not even a discussion about why they’re not , or if they ARE EVER having sex again? 
This marriage is dead. OP, you are too passive and it’s killed your marriage. You are going to become bitter over this. Your wife is either in love with someone else, or lost all desire for sex with anyone. Either one would be a deal breaker to most. You’re the only one to decide.
I have three kids. My ex wife wanted sex up until a week or so before, and she had c-sections and I honestly don’t even remember going without after, although I’m sure we did for a couple of weeks.

you don’t even have her excuse to offer. That’s the saddest part of all. Good luck. I fear your lack of desire to get an answer to this question is tied to your fate.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> I wonder what is worse:
> 
> 1. Being a husband who is not getting sex from his wife.
> 
> 2. Being a wife who isn’t sexually attracted to her husband.


The first is worse.

With the second, she has significant control over the situation, more than the guy does.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> yes, it's the proof she is rejecting him, but do we know why? No.


After 18 months, during pregnancy and after, the reason is she chooses not to. She could have made a little time, provided lovingly, etc. But she didn't. Practically nothing prevents all sexual activity for 18 months.


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