# Anniversary after infidelity



## WTH in WA (Jul 28, 2020)

July 1,2020 I discovered that my H had been unfaithful while working out of town. Found out it was just three weeks after our 30th wedding anniversary and two months before we renewed our wedding vows.....our 31st anniversary is coming up and I don’t know what to do....he broke those vows and took other vows all while having this secret.....we are trying to work through this as it was not a continued affair it was a one time oral visit....uggg... but I still have so many unanswered questions and he is not working on moving toward any type of counseling. I have been trying to find a counselor for myself but with the pandemic it is so difficult to get anyone to respond. I sometimes feel Ike I want to not even acknowledge the day we wed but it was so special to me but now means nothing. I do not wear either rings he gave at either ceremony. I’m so lost and confused as this is still so fresh and the thoughts and mind movies are horrible. With the anniversary coming up and knowing the cheating date is too I’m starting to lose it all over again.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

So he destroyed your marriage. Why celebrate that date ever again?

Read, and get him to read, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". 

For you, take a breath, you don't have to make a bunch of decisions right now.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I would simply tell him "In light of what you've done we will not be celebrating our anniversary date as it is nothing to celebrate right now." If he protests tell him to take himself out to dinner because you don't want to look at him on that day anyway.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I would add that if you are in area in which they are open and it's safe to go, take yourself to a spa for the afternoon. Get a mani, pedi, fascial, the works!!!!


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

There's nothing to celebrate. If he doesn't understand that, you don't have much to work with here .


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## WTH in WA (Jul 28, 2020)

All great ideas. I finally got a call back from a counselor for myself but still gotta wait almost three weeks. Thanks for all the help keep it coming as this is till really raw for me.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

WTH in WA said:


> I still have so many unanswered questions and he is not working on moving toward any type of counseling.


Full disclosure and transparency and truth are non-negotiable requirements for any successful reconciliation. Otherwise you are wasting your time.

There's a difference between regret and remorse. Look it up. Many adulterers never find themselves capable of achieving true remorse. Most don't.

Without truth, no ability to restore trust. Without trust, no restoration of a meaningful relationship. And no reconciliation.

Rugsweeping, blameshifting, continued lying by omission or commission - these are the things that kill any attempt at reconciliation.

He needs to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda McDonald and then implement everything in it. If he's not willing to do that, then you're done.

One of the first things he will need to do is write out a specific narrative timeline, an accounting for all the facts of his betrayal in black and white IN WRITING for you to see and keep.

Second, he will need to agree to a polygraph to verify the veracity of the WRITTEN timeline.

I can't emphasize these two things enough.

You will quickly know what you're dealing with depending on how he deals with these non-negotiables, whether he agrees, and what his reaction is. If he balks at either, tries to negotiate, stalls, doesn't execute, you're dealing with continued lies.

By the way, they ALL say it was just one time, or just an emotional affair, or just one instance of sexual activity. They all say this. It's called minimization and it is one of the top stalling tactics adulterers deploy.

The chances that he had one act of fellatio provided to him are passingly small. Slim to none. The fact that he won't seek counseling and won't answer your questions strongly suggest this.

For yourself you should seek a betrayal trauma specialist who can begin IC with you immediately. It may also be that an IC working in this specialty has a partner who can begin working with your husband on disclosing the truth to you -- which he has not.

Betrayal trauma specialists understand what they are working with and know how to avoid blameshifting and rugsweeping.

The other advantage to betrayal trauma specialists is that requiring a written timeline and a polygraph are usually a part of their toolkit for dealing with infidelity -- and they can help you manage this process.

Do not go to a marital counselor.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

WTH in WA said:


> I do not wear either rings he gave at either ceremony.


And don't put them back on anytime soon. He unilaterally divorced you without your knowledge. The old marriage is dead and you will need to begin to accept this. This isn't hyperbole or a figure of speech. The old marriage is literally dead and he killed it.


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## WTH in WA (Jul 28, 2020)

Thumos said:


> And don't put them back on anytime soon. He unilaterally divorced you without your knowledge. The old marriage is dead and you will need to begin to accept this. This isn't hyperbole or a figure of speech. The old marriage is literally dead and he killed it.


I totally agree just really hard to deal with all the dates and timing of everything. I purchased the book as the counselor I’m going to go see mentioned the book also.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't think you should do anything for the anniversary except make up your mind if you're staying or not. Sounds like he's not going to make an effort.

Sorry you're having to deal with this and he's just clamming up and standing his ground.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

By way the detailed advice is everything I should have done almost four years ago. I didn't have someone giving me that detailed advice, but YOU DO. 

Don't avoid taking these steps -- especially the written timeline and the polygraph -- or you will end up in a painful limbo. 

It's a good sign the counselor you're signed up for knows about the Linda McDonald book. Very good. The book is a no-nonsense guide. 

If your husband won't read it and won't implement the very clear steps in it, you know what to do.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

WTH in WA said:


> totally agree just really hard to deal with all the dates and timing of everything. I purchased the book as the counselor I’m going to go see mentioned the book also.


Have you gotten a full STD panel? Has he? 

Don't engage in any sexual activity with him unless and until you are both cleared of any possible STD's. In fact, it would be wise to avoid what is called "hysterical bonding." It's a very tempting thing to do in the wake of infidelity but it muddies the waters and you are in shock right now.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Sorry i keep thinking of things. These may seem obvious but they aren't - again I speak from experience, bad experience: 

1. Don't drink alcohol - it's a depressant and messes with sleep and metabolism - as well as organs like the heart, liver and kidney
2. Do drink lots of water - Lots of it. Every day. 
3. Eat a clean diet. Keep it simple and boring. Chicken breast and broccoli and some white rice. 
4. If you're not sleeping, you could consider something like ambien to help for a short time. Sleep is vital.
5. look up the 180 and start implementing it
6. Go see an attorney now so you at least know your options. Divorce decrees take awhile. In fact, you can file and then change your mind later. Plenty of people do. People after infidelity have also divorced and remarried again later. Happens more than you think. I increasingly think filing is a strong symbolic act that shakes the adulterer out of their reverie and fantasy. 
7. Take walks. Lots of them. It's about to cool down soon. Great time for long walks. Low impact exercise that has been shown to have as many benefits as the higher impact stuff.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Be sure to buy yourself a brand new car on that date 👍

Don’t worry.... he doesn’t mind paying for it 😈


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you have blue cross blue shield insurance you can get the BlueCare app and possibly do the visit online


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## WTH in WA (Jul 28, 2020)

Thumos said:


> Sorry i keep thinking of things. These may seem obvious but they aren't - again I speak from experience, bad experience:
> 
> 1. Don't drink alcohol - it's a depressant and messes with sleep and metabolism - as well as organs like the heart, liver and kidney
> 2. Do drink lots of water - Lots of it. Every day.
> ...


Not sleeping much at all and not eating well either. I’m trying really hard to mend us and hoping he will step up. I’m leaving soon for an extended week away and to,d him he better figure out if he is wanting to stay together or just quit us. I’m hoping I have a good amount of soul searching done too


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WTH in WA said:


> Not sleeping much at all and not eating well either. I’m trying really hard to mend us and hoping he will step up. I’m leaving soon for an extended week away and to,d him he better figure out if he is wanting to stay together or just quit us. I’m hoping I have a good amount of soul searching done too


He is one mistake that you are making. 

YOU are not the one to "Make us better?", he is. 

You need to get that out of your head. You cannot do this he has to. And if he cannot then you need to move on. 

Have your read "how to help your spouse heal", it will tell you what he should be doing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WTH in WA said:


> Not sleeping much at all and not eating well either. I’m trying really hard to mend us and hoping he will step up. I’m leaving soon for an extended week away and to,d him he better figure out if he is wanting to stay together or just quit us. I’m hoping I have a good amount of soul searching done too


And THERE'S your problem.

Why are YOU trying to mend anything? If he's not moving heaven and earth you're wasting your time.

My scumbag ex was like that too. I got a half assed apology for what he knew I knew and then I was expected to drop it. He even barely acknowledged my birthday right after that because he thought I wasn't going anywhere so he was going to do things his way.

I divorced him and am much happier.

FYI, the one time is the one you know about. My ex admitted to what I could prove and continually changed his story.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You say "we are trying to work through it"... but you're not. Or more correctly, HE isn't. If he is unwilling to answer questions and go to therapy, then how is he trying to work through it? It sounds like he's trying to rug sweep the affair and that never, ever works. You shouldn't be doing anything. HE should be doing everything, and then some. This isn't something that you can mend, no matter how hard you try or how badly you want it. 

It is great that you found a counselor. If your husband wakes up and realizes that counseling is a must, DO NOT start with marriage counseling. He needs to work on himself first, and you need to work on yourself as well. Marriage counseling comes later. My D-Day was in November and I didn't start marriage counseling until March. The focus didn't start shifting to "rebuilding the marriage" until around June when everything had been laid on the table and we were ready to actually work on the relationship. 

For your wedding anniversary... 

Some people can't handle the first year or three, then go on to celebrate that original date. Some people acknowledge it in a new or different way. For others, the marriage is dead so the anniversary is also dead and never celebrated again, but they choose a new date to start over and move forward with that new date. 

You said it yourself, that day now means nothing. Tell your husband that you will not be celebrating your anniversary, end of story. Don't feel bad about that... your husband is the one who destroyed the marriage, not you.

For your rings, don't put them (or new ones) on until you are ready AND your husband demonstrates real change, is working on reconciling, etc. It took me almost a year and a half to put my ring back on, and that was with my wife doing pretty much everything right.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

WTH in WA said:


> I’m trying really hard to mend us


Agree with others, you need to retrain your thinking. It's not your job to "mend us." It's your job to mend you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@WTH in WA , so sorry you are still grappling with this a year later. It does not sound like your WH is invested in your marriage at all or in helping you to heal. In fact you seem to have made it easy for him and how do you know that this was the one and only instance of infidelity? I bet there was much more than oral, he just told you enough to keep you hanging on. Cheaters lie and that was the tip of the iceberg only. If he travels alot there could be many more. He does not respect you and your actions have increased the lack of respect.

Get your ducks in a row and realize that your marriage is dead (he killed it anyhow), you may or may not have a new one depending on what he does.
You need to go scorched earth on him and do a full 180, start living your life for you, go out with friends, go see a lawyer as to what your options are, go to therapy (why did it take so long), sounds like you have not taken care of you and have spent the last year doing a 'pick me' dance.

Do you have kids? if they are grown up, tell them what happened. Expose him to your family and friends. This is not your burden to carry for him, do not cover for him.

He needs to know that you have one foot out the door, you have to be prepared to lose this marriage to save it, as it is he is comfortable because there have been no consequences. You are a bit late to the party but it is never too late to take back control. You should book a really lovely and expensive holiday on his credit card on your anniversary and invite one of our girl friends, or a nice spa or something. Show him you will live your life. Stop moping around after him.


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## WTH in WA (Jul 28, 2020)

It happened almost a year ago but I just had DDay on the 1st of July. He has been very forthcoming the past couple days as I have not let up on what I need answers too. I finally got a call back after three weeks from a therapist and I will be going in a couple weeks. He has told our adult children as one of them was lied to directly as he was out of town with him working. So he has been questioned and talked at by us all and he has started as of today reading his book and watching some videos on What he needs to be doing and what exactly to expect from me. I have been with my husband almost 35 years and married almost 31. I want to work through this and pray he sees the pain and hurt he has caused me and us.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WTH in WA said:


> It happened almost a year ago but I just had DDay on the 1st of July. He has been very forthcoming the past couple days as I have not let up on what I need answers too. I finally got a call back after three weeks from a therapist and I will be going in a couple weeks. He has told our adult children as one of them was lied to directly as he was out of town with him working. So he has been questioned and talked at by us all and he has started as of today reading his book and watching some videos on What he needs to be doing and what exactly to expect from me. I have been with my husband almost 35 years and married almost 31. I want to work through this and pray he sees the pain and hurt he has caused me and us.


I hope it works out for you but you cannot change him or make him want to change.
The best approach is to work on you, see the therapist, start to live a life for yourself. Use the 180 to emotionally detach and see what it is you want. You deserve a life where you are loved and treated with respect. It will be hard work reconciling. it is good your family know as that will also keep him accountable. Spend more time with friends, doing things for yourself.


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## WTH in WA (Jul 28, 2020)

So the anniversary is next week and things are getting better between us. He has been very open and what u hope to be honest. He has been reading his book and listening when I read excerpts from the books I have read. I just don’t know how to or if I want to celebrate or acknowledge our 31st wedding anniversary as this is also right around the time he had his oral sex encounter. There have been a lot of emotions this past month since DD and mostly on my part but there has been emotions from him I have not seen in a VERY long time. Wish me luck in the coming week as the day approaches. I have told him that He ended that marriage the day he cheated so why even acknowledge it...but that WAS the happiest day of my life. (Besides when I had my children). Well I keep reading and gathering information and finally have an appointment scheduled to see a counselor but unfortunately not til after the anniversary date...ugg.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WTH in WA said:


> So the anniversary is next week and things are getting better between us. He has been very open and what u hope to be honest. He has been reading his book and listening when I read excerpts from the books I have read. I just don’t know how to or if I want to celebrate or acknowledge our 31st wedding anniversary as this is also right around the time he had his oral sex encounter. There have been a lot of emotions this past month since DD and mostly on my part but there has been emotions from him I have not seen in a VERY long time. Wish me luck in the coming week as the day approaches. I have told him that He ended that marriage the day he cheated so why even acknowledge it...but that WAS the happiest day of my life. (Besides when I had my children). Well I keep reading and gathering information and finally have an appointment scheduled to see a counselor but unfortunately not til after the anniversary date...ugg.


I know you want hopeful posts, but it would be very unwise for you to take what he is saying as a sign that you have the whole story. People who cheat are liars and they are very good at it. 

Look I am not trying to make you feel bad, just saying be careful.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

WTH in WA said:


> So the anniversary is next week and things are getting better between us. He has been very open and what u hope to be honest. He has been reading his book and listening when I read excerpts from the books I have read. I just don’t know how to or if I want to celebrate or acknowledge our 31st wedding anniversary as this is also right around the time he had his oral sex encounter. There have been a lot of emotions this past month since DD and mostly on my part but there has been emotions from him I have not seen in a VERY long time. Wish me luck in the coming week as the day approaches. I have told him that He ended that marriage the day he cheated so why even acknowledge it...but that WAS the happiest day of my life. (Besides when I had my children). Well I keep reading and gathering information and finally have an appointment scheduled to see a counselor but unfortunately not til after the anniversary date...ugg.


My first anniversary after D-day wasn't celebrated or acknowledged. It was only 2 weeks after D-day. For the second anniversary I had an out of country work trip that weekend and my wife went with me. I had no intention of acknowledging the anniversary - and I didn't. But we spent the weekend together, had a really good time, and I considered doing that every year. 

So, an alternative to acknowledging the anniversary or not could be to do something new and different that day. 

If you do acknowledge the anniversary, don't do something you cannot easily get out of if it's too much for you. 

I'm glad your husband is changing and doing what he should be now. I hope he keeps it up. Something to keep in mind, anyone can make changes for a short period of time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WTH in WA said:


> Not sleeping much at all and not eating well either. I’m trying really hard to mend us and hoping he will step up. I’m leaving soon for an extended week away and to,d him he better figure out if he is wanting to stay together or just quit us. I’m hoping I have a good amount of soul searching done too


@WTH in WA your husband broke it, he needs to fix it. He must do the heavy lifting.

Can your marriage be saved? Possibly, though this will take time. effort and work.

We'll be here for you, not matter which options you go for.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

WTH in WA said:


> just don’t know how to or if I want to celebrate or acknowledge our 31st wedding anniversary as this is also right around the time he had his oral sex encounter.


I wouldn't. But that's me. I didn't after D-Day with my WW. Not to be cruel, but bc I felt like it was a mockery of me. You probably feel the same way. You shouldn't feel any pressure at all in this. Tell him you don't have any desire to celebrate and fake your way through something you feel terrible about. This should bring it home to him a bit.

Also as others have urged, don't pick up the hopium pipe. Look up hopium and Chump Lady and read Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life.

I'm not telling you to leave him, although that book is a short read and the lady makes a lot of sense. May give you some funny ideas ;-)

You can always give it the college try, but he is going to need to fall on his sword over and over and do it with a smile. And he's going to have to do that for years. Do you really think he has it in him?

Believe me you're just at the beginning of this, I'm sorry to say. If you think this goes away in months or a year, it doesn't. It's one of the biggest traumas anyone can ever face. Pretty soon if it hasn't already your body will flood with endogenous opioids (your own internal Dr. Feelgood chemicals) to numb you out a bit. You'll feel flat but that's better than the pain.

Once the initial shock wears off, be prepared for waves of sadness and deep abiding anger that may scare you.

Last things: Please, please look into a betrayal trauma specialist. And do not neglect getting the WRITTEN timeline and polygraph. I want to keep emphasizing that to you. Do it now.

And have you been tested for STDs? Has he?


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## QuickerPickerUpper (Aug 4, 2020)

WTH in WA said:


> July 1,2020 I discovered that my H had been unfaithful while working out of town. Found out it was just three weeks after our 30th wedding anniversary and two months before we renewed our wedding vows.....our 31st anniversary is coming up and I don’t know what to do....he broke those vows and took other vows all while having this secret.....we are trying to work through this as it was not a continued affair it was a one time oral visit....uggg... but I still have so many unanswered questions and he is not working on moving toward any type of counseling. I have been trying to find a counselor for myself but with the pandemic it is so difficult to get anyone to respond. I sometimes feel Ike I want to not even acknowledge the day we wed but it was so special to me but now means nothing. I do not wear either rings he gave at either ceremony. I’m so lost and confused as this is still so fresh and the thoughts and mind movies are horrible. With the anniversary coming up and knowing the cheating date is too I’m starting to lose it all over again.


Your healing is about YOU, not about how your H might feel. 

He chose to destroy the marriage. He threw away and destroyed 30 years of marriage. You giving him a second chance doesn't mean he gets to have a perfect marriage again. 

You have every right to not wear your rings and you have every right to tell him that there will be no celebration. 

Don't torture yourself. If it upsets your H, who gives a ****? 

He doesn't get to be an utter degenerate human being and expect you to still be in a place where you can acknowledge the anniversary as if you are picking up where you left off. 

If he is really remorseful, he will understand why the idea of honoring the anniversary of your vows is something you don't want to do. 

If he doesn't, he needs to get his head out of his behind and realize the world doesn't revolve around him and what he thinks he deserves after his abuse. 

Nah, fam. You are worth more. 

I'm not really pro-reconciliation, but that's a personal feeling. But if you are going to reconcile, your H better be willing to fight like hell to earn your trust and love back.

If he isn't willing to step on hot coals (metaphorically speaking), he is not worthy of the beauty of your forgiveness.


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