# Don't know what to believe



## howcouldhe (Sep 1, 2012)

Caught WH in an EA back in April. saw a woman on his FB that I didnt know ask who she was he said someone that he was in the national guard with so I dismissed it just a co worker.. no other questions ask. A few weeks later he was at a normal drill and I was talking to him and he thought he heard me acuse him of messing around with her. That got my interest peeked so i started digging ( he seemed as if he were felling guilty) I found that for over 6 months the 2 had hundreds of texts and phone conversations back and forth. I also found that my not so tech savvy H had bbm on his phone in which I had no access to.In his personal phone her contact infor was under a different name and his work phone was locked ( i had no passwords to get in). I finally got all my ducks in a row and made contact with her. I ask her what was going on with her and my H she stated friendship. ( I had done enough of my homework at this point and time I knew more about her that she thought I did. her place of work, husbands name, address, every phone number and what her house looked like) Needless to say she had only been married to her current H about 2 months before this "friendship" with my H started. I got 13 years in my marriage. Anyway, I told her under no certain terms was shje to make any further contact with my husband. She and he( after I confronted him) still say it was nothing but friendship. For me thats a little hard to swallow. I have firends but non have to be hidden in that way. I never made any contact with her husband and now I am keeping close tabs on my husbands every move. I have a spy app on his work phone and gps installed on his truck. On his end I have seen NC as I have ask. I have looked for other phones and I also have his SGM in the National Guard keeping a close eye when he is at drill ( she is not even part of his unitand has no business even being there unless her unit has to qualify on the range in which that is only once a year and his SGM has assure me ( without my H knowing) that she would not be there when he is. I have enough information that I could ruin his and her military career and will do that if I think they have contacted one another. I still feel violated and this has been devestating for me. i feel as if I have had to stopp to an all time low. I have always throughout our marriage trusted him 100% as until recently he has given nme no reason not to. Is it normal that I feel this way? We talk about it and I have been extremely hard on him. He only tells me it was friendship but I am not sure I can believe that. I feel like if he would open up and tell me what kind of things they talked about and how they met and answer all my questions I could feel better but he just says all we did was talk. Nothing happened. Am I worng to want to know details???


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think you can be in trouble yourself for having a spy app on his work phone. Be careful. But your not wrong to want to know what is going on. What other evidence have you found? Was the text of a flirt/ sexual nature?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are here, but there are lots of people here who understand what you are going through.

You are not "wrong" to want to know the details. 

You *need* to know what happened to you can try to heal from what he has done.

It sounds like more might have gone on and I suspect you will get some quite forthright opinions from others about that aspect.

This isn't your fault.


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## howcouldhe (Sep 1, 2012)

richie33 said:


> I think you can be in trouble yourself for having a spy app on his work phone. Be careful. But your not wrong to want to know what is going on. What other evidence have you found? Was the text of a flirt/ sexual nature?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know, i feel as if I have no choices and thats a chance I am willing to take.. I love this man and our marriage and getting my life back means everything to me.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

-If it was just a friendship why the secrecy? 
-Why was her number hidden and his phone locked?
-How did they meet?

All valid questions that must be answered to your satisfaction!

Also, since NC was established I assume there has been NC, no slips of any kind?

This does sound like an EA a LT EA at that. He needs to understand this is a *BIG *deal, it's not going away, and no rug sweeping here. Make sure he knows this is considered an Affair and he made a very bad choice. That NOW you need certain things from him to help you heal. Until he gives this to you there are going to be problems!

You need full disclosure, everything they did talked about etc.
Did they talk about sex, did they discuss personal issues,*did they ever meet in person*, a friendship doesn't go secret, this was more than a friendship. 

Sorry you are here, this really hurts I know. Stay strong, if you want this marriage to work out it can, but....he has to come 100% clean and tell you everything. Then you have to heal and eventually forgive. But again, this won't happen if your husband holds back and acts like he did nothing wrong...what's to stop him from doing this again if he sees no wrong in it?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think that if you can't get your husband to disclose everything to your satisfaction, then you have to expose this EA. That's all there is to it. I do think that things are going to get pretty ugly with the whole military aspect complicating things, but there are consequences to bad behavior.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Is your husband with you because he wants to be with you or because he's got a leash? Guess as long as he has a leash you'll never know. I don't snoop. I don't beg. I'm a criminal investigator and have access to all sorts of sneaky spy goodies. I'll never use any of those to check on my wife. My only "leash" is that she knows an affair would be a deal breaker. I'd rather have no wife than one I had to restrain or watch like a hawk.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Is your husband with you because he wants to be with you or because he's got a leash? Guess as long as he has a leash you'll never know. I don't snoop. I don't beg. I'm a criminal investigator and have access to all sorts of sneaky spy goodies. I'll never use any of those to check on my wife. My only "leash" is that she knows an affair would be a deal breaker. I'd rather have no wife than one I had to restrain or watch like a hawk.


The OP has a reason to be suspicious and a reason for doing what she did. Her investigations came up with the evidence of wrong doing. If her husband had been behaving properly, none of this would have happened.

There are all kinds of leashes out there depending on what you need. Sometimes you use the ones that let out extra rope, but sometimes you need a "choker".


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

richie33 said:


> I think you can be in trouble yourself for having a spy app on his work phone. Be careful. But your not wrong to want to know what is going on. What other evidence have you found? Was the text of a flirt/ sexual nature?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he is military then I assume this is a DOD phone! I realize your between a rock and a hard place but a spy app on a DOD phone? that's one BIG risk. PLEASE be careful here.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

So I can't speak for how long it will take you to trust your WH again... however as having been a WH myself, first thing that jumped out at me... the OM phone number was listed under another name. This is a classic cheater strategy. Would not have surprised me if the name was more descriptive of the person than even a persons name. This certainly was a red flag when I read your post and can only say that that alone would have made me suspect. 

The only problem is that if you don't get the entire truth out of him, two things are very likely to happen: 1) you will probably never really get over it and thus trust will be forever hindered. The sooner it is all put out on the table the sooner you can start to R. 2) If he feels he got away with it once, it can and very likely will happen again.

He, your WH, needs to come completely clean with what it was. If it was only a friendship, then *he* not you needs to prove it... if he cannot hand over evidence, then I would call him on it as an A.


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## howcouldhe (Sep 1, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> If he is military then I assume this is a DOD phone! I realize your between a rock and a hard place but a spy app on a DOD phone? that's one BIG risk. PLEASE be careful here.


He is military but just a weekend warrior. This is a work phone (non-DOD).. I know its still wrong, but right now until I know or feel comfortable I have to have it.


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## howcouldhe (Sep 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Is your husband with you because he wants to be with you or because he's got a leash? Guess as long as he has a leash you'll never know. I don't snoop. I don't beg. I'm a criminal investigator and have access to all sorts of sneaky spy goodies. I'll never use any of those to check on my wife. My only "leash" is that she knows an affair would be a deal breaker. I'd rather have no wife than one I had to restrain or watch like a hawk.


I gave him the option of out, he wants this to work to. He has NO idea all the information that I got. He only knows I lokked at the phone logs. He has no Idea I know more about her life at this point than I care to. I should have contacted her H and let him know as well but at the time i was a basket case myself. Should I still contact him?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

howcouldhe said:


> I gave him the option of out, he wants this to work to. He has NO idea all the information that I got. He only knows I lokked at the phone logs. He has no Idea I know more about her life at this point than I care to. I should have contacted her H and let him know as well but at the time i was a basket case myself. Should I still contact him?


Yes


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