# Not attractive to my husband?



## cindy1 (Sep 23, 2016)

My husband and I have been having some problems, currently they are swept under the carpet and we are avoiding having to deal with the same issue again, each time we argued or tried to talk its almost like going around a circle.

Anyways, I am feeling really disconnected from him as I don't think he is meeting my needs. I find it really hard to have sex, we have only had sex once in 3 months. It is extremely hard to "get in the mood" , I even tried having a glass of wine to set the mood which haven't help.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You mean you're not _attracted_ to your husband. If you have some resentment for him, figure out the cause and address it. Withholding sex is probably doing a lot of damage. He might be questioning his own masculinitity and emotionally distancing himself from you to protect his ego.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What are these "needs" he is not meeting?

Are you meeting any of his?


----------



## cindy1 (Sep 23, 2016)

Its not that I am intentionally withholding sex from him but I don't have any desire to unless I force myself just to pleased him.

I do have resentment that I have not resolved. A year after we got married, I found out he doesn't want to have children and now he's open to it only to help save our marriage. He got laid off few years ago and ever since he has been working as a freelancer, he doesn't make enough to support himself as much as a family, luckily he had savings. I suggested to him a different approach to increase his freelancing but he haven't taken my suggestion. 

I got so desperate in wanting to have a family that I decided to return to school so that I would be the breadwinner. But now am thinking that our lives will be miserable in the future if a child is in the picture as I have a husband who has no desire to be a father and that I will come home from work and having to take full responsibility as he would be at home waiting for me to release him from taking care of the child.

I am just seeing more resentment in the future and with being 18 years apart am starting to think that my life would be better with someone that share the same goals.

I do meet most of his needs, his idea of marriage is just husband and wife having companionship in a loving marriage and live happy ever after, mine is having a family with 2 children. Being in my mid 30's I feel like everyday being with him is taking away my dreams.


----------



## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

cindy1 said:


> Its not that I am intentionally withholding sex from him but I don't have any desire to unless I force myself just to pleased him.
> 
> I do have resentment that I have not resolved. A year after we got married, I found out he doesn't want to have children and now he's open to it only to help save our marriage. He got laid off few years ago and ever since he has been working as a freelancer, he doesn't make enough to support himself as much as a family, luckily he had savings. I suggested to him a different approach to increase his freelancing but he haven't taken my suggestion.
> 
> ...


I'm probably old school here, but don't people normally discuss these issues before they get married? :scratchhead:

You say he's been working as a freelancer. Did you mean to say freeloader?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

cindy1 said:


> I have a husband who has no desire to be a father and that I will come home from work and having to take full responsibility


I think you are saying that your husband is 18 years older than you. That puts him in lower 50s now. Considering that roughly 20 years are required to raise a child, and you want 2 ..... I can well understand his reluctance. 

You also have to consider that diseases start to "show up" for many people around age 60. It's likely that you will wind up with sole responsibility for your children through no choice made by your husband. This is likely on his mind, too.

Best case scenario is that you would have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. You two are at completely incompatible future desires. Explain to your husband that your resentment at not having children is going to offset any ability you will ever have to be the loving companion wife he wants to have, and that his aversion to children is going to offset any ability he will ever have to be the loving father for your children you want to have.



cindy1 said:


> He might be questioning his own masculinitity and emotionally distancing himself from you to protect his ego.


Especially with the age difference between you. Part of your conversation needs to be convincing him that your lack of desire for him is completely driven by your resentment, if in a fearless search of your own mind you find that to be true. This will "free" him to go find another wife who wants to be his companion, and free you to find a husband of more your own age who wants children.

I am not a person who advocates divorce, but I think your situation is more of a mistake than a marriage.
I can allow room in my thinking that the best solution is to correct your mistakes.

I cannot speak for all men, but speaking of myself, if my wife doesn't want to have sex, and is just giving me "duty" sex, my needs are not even approached, much less met.



cindy1 said:


> he doesn't make enough to support himself


His "do the minimum" approach to this may be driven by his feelings that he is a "paycheck on legs".... a husband who isn't wanted for himself, only what he can provide. Children are sometimes a concession men make, rather than a desire of their own. The concession is made willingly if the man's needs are met in his wife.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

cindy1 said:


> Its not that I am intentionally withholding sex from him but I don't have any desire to unless I force myself just to pleased him.
> 
> I do have resentment that I have not resolved. A year after we got married, I found out he doesn't want to have children and now he's open to it only to help save our marriage. He got laid off few years ago and ever since he has been working as a freelancer, he doesn't make enough to support himself as much as a family, luckily he had savings. I suggested to him a different approach to increase his freelancing but he haven't taken my suggestion.
> 
> ...


How long have you been married? 

I lived something similar, but different, in my first marriage and I think you are wise to think ahead on how this will play out in the future before starting a family. 

He was only 9 1/2 years older than me. Married at 27/37 and had our first child at 30/40. People in his graduating class were becoming grandparents and he was having his first child. He did want to have kids, which is a big difference here. What he didn’t want to do was work at his job anymore, he hated it. Not a problem, I thought, I have enough ambition enough for us both, so he quit and became a SAHD. Second child and at 33/43. 

And this is when the fun started. He resented me for being able to provide for our family and not needing him financially. And he hated being home with the kids (loved the kids, but hated being home). And I resented him because he was a terrible SAHD. He didn’t clean, do laundry, do things with the kids outside, have a play date - nothing. He kept them alive was the highest compliment I could give. So you bet your ass when I came home to that and had to do it all I was resentful as could be. I didn’t want to look at him let alone have sex with him. I couldn’t see beyond my resentment to see that he was depressed and our lack of sex made him feel even more inadequate. Horrible cycle. 

Long story short, he started going out after I got home, had an affair with a married skank bartender at a dive bar. The end. We got divorced, he had to get a job, but no longer has to deal with the day to day of raising the kids. 

Don’t set yourself up for that life. You are already resentful and trust me it will grow and grow.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

cindy1 said:


> his idea of marriage is just husband and wife having companionship in a loving marriage and live happy ever after, mine is having a family with 2 children.
> 
> But now am thinking that our lives will be miserable in the future if a child is in the picture as I have a husband who has no desire to be a father and that I will come home from work and having to take full responsibility as he would be at home waiting for me to release him from taking care of the child.


I snipped a bunch but what this cut says is that you have a desire to have children, but you really don't want to (or don't see your self as capable of) doing much with them. 

I'm your husbands age and there is no way I would be interested in fathering children where I would be going to their high school graduation in my 70's. I think your dreams were sabotaged by your choice of a partner. 

BTW sex every 3 months is not meeting any ones needs, but it is helping him not provide you with your heir and a spare.


----------



## jscott3320 (Mar 25, 2018)

cindy1 said:


> My husband and I have been having some problems, currently they are swept under the carpet and we are avoiding having to deal with the same issue again, each time we argued or tried to talk its almost like going around a circle.
> 
> Anyways, I am feeling really disconnected from him as I don't think he is meeting my needs. I find it really hard to have sex, we have only had sex once in 3 months. It is extremely hard to "get in the mood" , I even tried having a glass of wine to set the mood which haven't help.


I understand your situation, i had it reverse. I decided it was better to figure out a solution. Maybe you need to get yourself off by masturbation and moderate porn. Ask him if he wants to join in
Another idea is personal vanity. I did the hair on my wife's *****. I shaved mine smooth and then she did and it helped is.
Good luck

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

TJW said:


> Children are sometimes a concession men make, rather than a desire of their own. The concession is made willingly if the man's needs are met in his wife.


Agreed.
And then once the children are there, needs drop by the wayside.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> I think your dreams were sabotaged by your choice of a partner.


Yes, I think that, too. I also think your husband's dreams were sabotaged by his choice of a partner.

It seems to me that you two are operating on a "drug deal" system. The buyer won't show the cash until he sees the drugs, and the dealer won't show the drugs until he sees the cash.

This is no way to run a marriage. You two need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk about this. Best case scenario is that you both decide to UNCONDITIONALLY meet each other's needs. That's the only way marriage works. 

The way things are between you now, is that you have each shown and proved to the other that neither of you can trust the other. 

Next best case would be that you both recognize that this marriage was a big mistake, and break it up, while your husband is still young enough to have a wife who loves him physically and you to have a husband who wants to provide you with children while you are still young enough to carry them.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

cindy1 said:


> Its not that I am intentionally withholding sex from him but I don't have any desire to unless I force myself just to pleased him.
> 
> I do have resentment that I have not resolved. A year after we got married, I found out he doesn't want to have children and now he's open to it only to help save our marriage. He got laid off few years ago and ever since he has been working as a freelancer, he doesn't make enough to support himself as much as a family, luckily he had savings. I suggested to him a different approach to increase his freelancing but he haven't taken my suggestion.
> 
> ...




Yes I know these family goals are quite common for women to have... I always thought that the reason younger women settle with older guys is because there would be more financial stability in order to raise a family. If somehow something goes wrong along the way with the ‘plan’, or they don’t realise that actually part of a healthy family life is actually love and attraction between two spouses then it all unravels very quickly. Anyway, this may not be you. Just something I often observed with friends.

Did you not discuss these things before you got married or did the biological clock in you kicked in all of a sudden?

I really don’t think it’s your husband’s fault if you haven’t discussed these things beforehand. In fact he is willing to do this for you now (have kids) but you feel he is unsuitable as a provider.
He probably does need to sort out his work situation (I’m sure he knows that) but IMO it would be unfair on him (and unproductive) if your frustration with a difficult situation would manifest itself in lack of intimacy as a subconscious ‘payback’ mechanism.

I know you probably can’t help it but these kinds of problems are the family’s problems, not solely HIS problem.
He will be more likely to solve the issue if he felt he had a supportive and understanding spouse.

But I also know that biology is biology so in the end it will probably win out over compassion & love.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Just another (Feb 21, 2018)

TJW said:


> Yes, I think that, too. I also think your husband's dreams were sabotaged by his choice of a partner.
> 
> It seems to me that you two are operating on a "drug deal" system. The buyer won't show the cash until he sees the drugs, and the dealer won't show the drugs until he sees the cash.
> 
> ...




Good observation here!


----------

