# My situation...



## DKEPL

About a month and a half ago my wife texted me and told me she had been texting an ex boyfriend from high school for about a week and a half. She said she wasn't happy and didn't know how much she really loved me. This was obviously a wake up call for me. I hadn't been a perfect husband for awhile, but my flaws were pretty much limited to not helping out enough and not taking the kids to give her time to breathe every once in a while, per her. I agreed 100% that I had not been living up to my end of the bargain there and changed that ASAP. I worked on myself as much as I could alone. I started exercising again and I'm nearly to the weight I was as a collegiate baseball player, dropping 30 pounds in less than a month. I have stepped up to the plate (no pun intended) as a father, which I was already far better than average at, and have taken steps to work on our flaws as a couple, with little help from her so far. She hasn't worn her wedding ring for a couple weeks, and I can see she feels ashamed of that fact. She wears jackets and long sleeves to cover her hand. I see her rubbing at her finger time to time. I think she is just doing so to make me feel pain as she knows how important it is to me. We have 3 kids 7, 4, and 2. They are both of our worlds and we never talk about this around them. She refuses to talk about her emotions or feelings, basically because she thinks it will hurt me to hear her say she is thinking about another man. I tell her every imaginable outcome has already run through my mind. I am at the point were I can forgive her for everything and want to work out the troubles that got us here. She seems to be weighted down by the potential promise of what could have been...

I confronted her about the guy right away. He just got Facebook in order to promote a landscaping business. She hadn't seen him in 15 years, but he just got divorced and I guess she saw this as a sign to pounce. She initially refused to stop talking to him. She claimed it was plutonic and she was just looking for someone to talk to. The only reason she told me was bc he said to. I asked that she at least not start conversations for now. She agreed. Fast forward two weeks. We were at a family outing with her parents. She asked me to take the kids to a ride while she waited in line for food. I agreed. When I came back I saw a message come in on her Apple Watch with his name on it. I confronted her and it almost ended us right there. She had been talking to him the entire time. I finally got ahold of the guy that night, on facebook messager. He said it was nice to hear from her again but he didn't want a relationship. That she was crazy to think after 15 years and two different lives that they would just be together again. She instigated it 100%. The conversations were innocent enough, mostly about their day and the kids. I said that's how I would try to warm up someone I wanted to get closer to. He agreed. He said he'd block her and that he was sorry. It had just happened to him and he wants nothing to do with being "that guy". Honestly, he was pretty cool about it. She got pissed that he told her to work on things with me. 

So, I have kept on trucking and things seemed like they were getting better. We are sleeping in the same bed again. She has started to open up a bit. However she always cuts things short before we get intimate in any sense of the word. She tells me that the guy is no longer on the table. I got suspicious and checked her phone, which I swore to never do. She seems to have not been in contact with him, maybe only because he blocked her, but she had messaged her best friend about how she is waiting a month or two to talk to the guy again. The best friend had an affair a decade ago and went back to her husband. She called it a mistake, even though that marriage led to what is now my two godsons and what I thought was a pretty happy relationship. I got ahold of the guy again this morning and asked if he told her something along the lines of work it out for a month and call me when it doesn't work out. He swears he said nothing like that and told her she was living in a fantasy and that he did not want a relationship. I believe him at this point. 

I absolutely love my wife. She is the love of my life, but now I worry that even if we work this out I will see myself as choice #2. I consider myself a good looking guy with a solid job and more than enough true friends to be happy again. I've even had a former fling from college ask me if "everything is ok at home". I don't want that. Am I crazy to keep putting myself through this? I know this isn't close to over and i have it in me to fight, but what would a victory even look like? Will she wake up one day realizing that the relationship she wanted with him isn't gonna happen? If that does happen, am I really OK with being option #2 after 9 years of marriage, 3 beautiful kids and a home built on each others sacrifices? Anyone with insight is welcomed to chirp in.


----------



## Tex X

How old are the both of you? How long have you been married? When you say you haven't been the husband you should be - can you provide some details? Have you guys tried marriage counseling?


----------



## Marduk

You are choice #2. It’s not about the other guy. There will always be another guy.

She has to want to be married to you. She doesn’t. At the very least, your marriage ended when she took her ring off.

And if you’re ever in a spot where you trust the other man more than you trust your wife, it’s over.

What I would recommend:

1. she sleeps in another bed. “This is our marriage bed. You ended our marriage and don’t want it. Sleep somewhere else.”
2. get a lawyer, find out what your options are, and protect yourself.
3. stop talking to your wife. Stop rolling out the red carpet. Stop seeking her attention, validation, or approval. Anything that doesn’t have to do with the kids shouldn’t be discussed. Act single (without dating). Be super dad. When you’re not being super dad, be super gone.


----------



## DKEPL

We've been married for 9 years. I'm 36 she's 32. I found myself in a bit of a rut the last year. Wouldn't call it depression per say, but felt like I dreaded things that I shouldn't have. I put a lot of the household work on her and never really took on my fair share like I should have. We've both seen a counselor individually with mixed results.


----------



## Lostinthought61

stop playing the pick me for the dance card...if you want to change for your sake please do so but do not do this for her, the first thing you need to make very very clean is that she was/is cheating...she is cheating emotionally so i would tell her that no matter what state of your marriage was in she cheating is 100% on her and her alone...no blaming you and if the stat of the marriage has gotten her it had to do with her as well, she does not get off on that as well...what she si doing is mind games that is counterproductive i would tell her she is either on board making this marriage work or tell her to leave. do not get sucked into this.


----------



## Tilted 1

Yes, she's checked out nothing you can do to change that. And you are correct in the way sometime later she will just up and leave, she is just doing this currently. Get a divorce and call it what it really is OVER.... lf you don't want to live the cuckold life, that means 2nd in your wife life do it now. 

And maybe you can have a amicable divorce. Fight for your kids give them the life they deserve. Even though their mom won't be with them. It's this or on day your wife will be banging the mailman or pizza delivery guy. SHE WANTS OUT. And yes your options#2.

And why in the hell are you believing the other dude for? Just spewing BS and hoping you like to eat crap sandwichs, time to be real cheaters lie lie lie, and only needie ones swallow the whole sandwich at one time. 

And another thing quit thinking so much of your new love. You need Time to recover from this one first. You know your not disposable, why do you want to jump from the fire, into the frying pan?


----------



## Marc878

Just so you know it doesn't hurt to better yourself for you but doing the "pick me dance" just lowered your status and makes the other guy look better. 

You own your part if the marriage but her stepping out with an emotional affair is wayward behavior and 100% on her.

I bet she didn't say a thing about being unhappy until her fantasy BF showed up did she? See how that works?

That's pretty typical. Nothing special here at all.


----------



## Tilted 1

Just pack her bags and let her go, if you just not ready. You can do daycare with the little ones or if you can not split your assets because it will be better for the sake of the kids in the long run. And yes your playing the pick me dance. And you haven't gone through your 5 stages of grief yet. 

She been waiting for 15 years for the landscaper dude she has nothing but time lying to you all of your marriage. Sorry wake up.


----------



## SunCMars

Look...

She had to give some excuse for coming on to this guy. The fact that you do not help enough around the house is a hollow charge.

She does not love you anymore, does not want to be in this marriage anymore.
She wants out.

The proper thing for her would have been for her just tell you that she wants out, wants a divorce. After the divorce is finished she can then look for a new partner. 

Uh, she did tell you she was not happy, does not think the marriage is good for her. She told you she was texting an old, and newly divorced BF.

She covered that base.

And, in the meantime she is looking to find a safe place to land, while she proceeds to dump you. She is grabbing at limbs because she knows that she will soon fall out of her safe place, your marriage, her oak tree life.

Yes, you can police her for the rest of your time together. 
You will not, cannot make her love you again.

Mrs. Humpty-Dumpty has fallen out of love and now has broken her marriage shell. The sticky ugly yolk is on you.

She's done, time for you to admit it and be done with her.

Counseling, will only delay the process.




KB-


----------



## Casual Observer

First off, kudos for confronting the other guy. But be careful about getting too friendly. If the other guy is less than 100%, he'll use that friendship to manipulate you. Don't trust, always verify. 

Second, I don't quite get why the automatic response here is always that the guy who marries is #2, instead of the situation being more of a "the grass is always greener on the other side" sort of thing. Why do we always have to degrade ourselves into thinking we were second choice? In some cases, maybe we were. I struggle with not so much being "second" choice but a "way out" for my wife. Maybe that's your situation. Don't know. But don't let yourself get beaten up over the idea you weren't her first choice.

Third, she's tenacious in her desire to get back to this guy. I don't think expecting things to work out makes sense. I think the best plan is to have everything in place to split, if need be, and she gets to make the choice. Make sure all the financial ramifications are well-known, for both of you. There's a lot of baggage in your marriage, including your kids, that can't simply be walked away from. She needs to fully understand the consequences of leaving, that it's a one-way ticket, and that if things don't work out with the other guy, you're already gone. 

And yeah, what everyone else says, don't do the "pick me" dance. Not that I'm not 100% guilty of a variant myself (as in, what would your life be like if I weren't around? Look how I've stepped up my game, etc). 

And finally, make sure she understand, fully, that she's already having an emotional affair, and the damage that it's done can only be repaired by her, and it won't be easy and she might not be up to it.

She's not on anti-depressants is she?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I usually wait to respond, to see what comes out. You realize her story and the way you tell it do not match up right? 

Come on now, how long have they been texting?
Did you order the phone records to see how long they have actually been talking?
Have you checked to see if there are any other numbers you do not recognize?


Here’s my question, what do you mean by not giving her time away with the kids and not helping enough around the house?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Casual Observer said:


> Second, I don't quite get why the automatic response here is always that the guy who marries is #2, instead of the situation being more of a "the grass is always greener on the other side" sort of thing. Why do we always have to degrade ourselves into thinking we were second choice?
> 
> Third, she's tenacious in her desire to get back to this guy. I don't think expecting things to work out makes sense. I think the best plan is to have everything in place to split, if need be, and she gets to make the choice.


Semantics aside OP, you are number two. Your original post shows us this in full detail.

She took off her ring, said she doesn’t know if she loves you anymore, made it seem like talking to this guy woke her up to a stifling marriage, told her formerly cheating friend she would talk to him again in a month, will not talk about this guy, lied about their continued contact and has cut off ANY INTAMACY.

I quoted the above post because even though it is questioning the call of number 2, the post acknowledges your wife’s “tenacious desire” for this other man. The pursuit of you is not her priority.

That means you are not as important.
That means you are AT THE LEAST number two.


----------



## Chaparral

My take is by your actions you have become unmanly and unattractive to her. You have changed since she originally picked you. Your response is to double down and make yourself more unmanly. When you first found out you should have sent her to her parents. Instead you are living on the hopium drug, begging and playing the pick me dance. In many years here that has never worked. 

What does work is shock and awe. Tell her she needs to go to her parents and tell them whats going on. Throw some of her stuff in a garbage bag and drive her there. 

You have become domesticated and offer her no challenge. Read the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER linked to below. It is NOT a sex guide!!!! It willshow you exactly how she became unattracted to you.

You can save this but you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Not doing that has its upside to though. You will be less one faithless woman.


----------



## aquarius1

As a woman I can see from what you have posted that your wife is done. 
Taking off her ring and then rubbing her finger is to get rid of the groove in her finger that was left by the ring.

Removing all trace of her marriage.

*She is actively looking for an exit affair. *If not landscaper dude then somebody else.

She has set everything up for the end. Apparently it was your fault because you were a HUMAN BEING for a while and struggled with some issues last year and didn’t help out. (sarcasm intended)
Marriage is NOT always 50/50. Sometimes it cycles through 60/40 or 100/0 or 0/100 depending on what’s going on at the time.

Please read the recommended books. 
Then go visit a lawyer and protect yourself and your children. I cannot imagine how hard it is to hear people say this, but sooner or later she is going to pull the plug on your marriage. Be prepared, for your kids sake

You need to expose her to family and friends. Tell her since she doesn’t want to be married to you that she should leave. 
She has to understand that you are a worthy human being who will not be played for a fool. That she disrespects you and her children with her behaviour.

And please stop taking landscaper dudes word for it. 
Chances are his resolve is weakening and if she circles around again in a month he will cave once the loneliness of his divorce gets to him.
Your wife knows it and is planning her strategy.
I know it’s hard to believe the person that you have built your dreams with can behave like this but trust me, they can and do.


----------



## StillSearching

DKEPL said:


> We've been married for 9 years. I'm 36 she's 32. I found myself in a bit of a rut the last year. Wouldn't call it depression per say, but felt like I dreaded things that I shouldn't have. I put a lot of the household work on her and never really took on my fair share like I should have. We've both seen a counselor individually with mixed results.


Read "The Rational Male"...What you have been doing is not attractive to your wife or other women. PERIOD.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Your wife wants out. For her to be texting a guy for only a week and a half and suddenly be done with your marriage says that she was done well before that. She is looking for an exit affair. This particular guy didnt bite, and I think its hysterical that he told her to tell her husband she was talking to him. So now she will be hunting for another replacement. I second the suggestion that you pack up her crap and tell her to go back home to mom. Do you really want to be with someone who doesnt want you?


----------



## SunCMars

Please note, OP:

You are putting seed in the cup, not your own seed, that she won't accept..
You are giving her bird seed, adding water to the other cup, and watering down her words, making them less stinging, less hurtful.

Have you not noted, that she has not eaten of the seeds, nor drank of the water?

She has not, will not, her wings have since flapped, your bird has since fled.

Oh, I don't know, anyone can suspect, she may have been taking in seeds from another man, sweet, suet, for some time this last year.

Wet seeds, encased in semen. 
I don't know, do care, so should you.

A ladies seed cup kept empty for a year, ah, that flap will soon chirp volumes.

A mating call soon to tweet, "Come for me, my cup remains empty, I am so hungry and up for love, I am so down for warm seeds".

Just Sayin'

Flappin' my jaws, gritting my teeth in sympathetic tune.



The Typist I-


----------



## SunCMars

I somehow added in a year since any intimacy?

How long has it been since the two of you were intimate?
Just curious.

Thanks.


[?]-


----------



## Spicy

Two words: EXIT AFFAIR


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

All of the above.

She's likely planning an exit on her time table and perhaps making plans on taking as much if the family finances as possible with her.

At least start protecting yourself financially and emotionally. 

You're being treated very poorly. You may have to swallow a bit of pride here to realize she's not wanting you as a H anymore. 

Hard to accept and tragic but from the info, it's a real circumstance.


----------



## DKEPL

Thanks for the responses. I do feel there has been a lot lost in translation and or I didn't cover everything. The pick me for the dance **** is bogus. I have been doing these things (exercising, taking on more with the kids and house) for myself. If she sees that as a positive thing then great thats a bonus. I need to show myself that I can do this **** on my own. Maybe that will serve its purpose too. 


As for how long they were actually texting, I know for a fact it was as stated. They were only messaging for a week and a half before I knew and it carried on for about month in total , around 5 weeks actually. I actually saw the first hey long time etc post with a time stamp. 

Is she blameworthy oh hell yes and she knows it. Is she actively hunting down another man, no I don't believe that. This is not a case of my wife can't be pleased and she needs some emotional savior on a white horse to save her. He was her "what if" guy and she took a run at him. 
This is a case of a woman who went through a major trauma (her mom's bf sexually abused her in High School) and this guy helped her through it. She experienced some bumps in the road in our marriage and at the same time she saw him on FB. She messaged him for support and even though she knows it is wrong is having a hard time getting over the fact that this didn't go as planned. She is now stuck between should she stay or go. I have been on this emotional roller coaster for the ride and it is hard as hell. She is working on things, although very slowly, and I am not going to kick her to the curb as she processes. 

I am prepared for the worst. I know our finances, I know where bills and such stand. I have a plan for the kids and what I will fight for. I am not some little ***** just getting pushed around, but I also love my wife and if there is still a chance to save it and potentially reboot it, I'm going to lean that way until I can no longer. Will that hurt, hell yeah that will hurt. My question is even if she gets over him for now and we move on into a new version of marriage, will I (not her) be able to get over this...


----------



## BluesPower

DKEPL said:


> Thanks for the responses. I do feel there has been a lot lost in translation and or I didn't cover everything. The pick me for the dance **** is bogus. I have been doing these things (exercising, taking on more with the kids and house) for myself. If she sees that as a positive thing then great thats a bonus. I need to show myself that I can do this **** on my own. Maybe that will serve its purpose too.
> 
> As for how long they were actually texting, I know for a fact it was as stated. They were only messaging for a week and a half before I knew and it carried on for about month in total , around 5 weeks actually. I actually saw the first hey long time etc post with a time stamp.
> 
> Is she blameworthy oh hell yes and she knows it. Is she actively hunting down another man, no I don't believe that. This is not a case of my wife can't be pleased and she needs some emotional savior on a white horse to save her. He was her "what if" guy and she took a run at him.
> This is a case of a woman who went through a major trauma (her mom's bf sexually abused her in High School) and this guy helped her through it. She experienced some bumps in the road in our marriage and at the same time she saw him on FB. She messaged him for support and even though she knows it is wrong is having a hard time getting over the fact that this didn't go as planned. She is now stuck between should she stay or go. I have been on this emotional roller coaster for the ride and it is hard as hell. She is working on things, although very slowly, and I am not going to kick her to the curb as she processes.
> 
> I am prepared for the worst. I know our finances, I know where bills and such stand. I have a plan for the kids and what I will fight for. I am not some little ***** just getting pushed around, but I also love my wife and if there is still a chance to save it and potentially reboot it, I'm going to lean that way until I can no longer. Will that hurt, hell yeah that will hurt. My question is even if she gets over him for now and we move on into a new version of marriage, will I (not her) be able to get over this...


You know what, I think you are kind of delusional but it is your life... 

Understand this, this looks like a standard exit affair by your wife. And when a woman is ready to quit then she is usually done. 

I really don't know of anyone that has turned this type of stuff around, but maybe you can. 

Good Luck...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

You are minimizing and making excuses for her. Not a good approach if you want a serious stab at R.


----------



## Girl_power

If I were your wife, I would want my husband to flip out if he found out I was talking to another man. 
Somehow the dynamic switched and she became the victim. She needs to realize that what she did put her entire family at risk. And to be honest, she doesn’t seem to be that worried about it.
I understand you want to save your family, which I think is possible, but not by being a door mat. That’s your wife!! YOUR wife! Get mad! She broke vows!! She should be crying and begging for your forgiveness, anything less means she doesn’t care.


----------



## arbitrator

*You are the perennial #2 in her life, as it's rather apparent she's had absolutely no difficulty in giving you the proverbial "ILYBINILWY!"

Provided that she will not agree to some immediate hardline marriage counseling, it's time for you to wake up, smell the coffee, and start interviewing good family attorneys to help protect both your financial and the custodial status of your children! *


----------



## DKEPL

First, I did the angry thing and I called her on everything. I guess I felt that was either assumed or not pertinent to the question. She knows what the risk is. Being angry just made me feel like a douche bag. Not because I felt sorry for her but because it consumed my completely for a couple days and I have kids that don't need that garbage.

I guess I have been overly forgiving. I think I'm done with that. Assuming I'm nearing the end of my patience for this "**** or get off the pot" stuff what should be my next step? She is in the process of finding a counselor who is a better fit for us and we have agreed to work with a marriage coach after that is established. I hate to ruin the little bit of good momentum we have.


----------



## DKEPL

I actually just sent her a text that stated I wanted to know what her goal is: Fix the marriage or plan an exit strategy...

We'll see


----------



## Girl_power

DKEPL said:


> I actually just sent her a text that stated I wanted to know what her goal is: Fix the marriage or plan an exit strategy...
> 
> 
> 
> We'll see




Good job. If she says anything but I want to fix the marriage I think you shouldn’t tolerate it and at leaflet so a trial separation. 

I asked my exH if he wanted to do counseling to fix our marriage and he was all passive and in a round about way said not really... I remember the next words out of my mouth we’re going to be something about why he shouldn’t give up us and I stopped myself and I said you know what, I’m not going to convince my husband to be my husband. That’s bull ****, and that’s when I walked.


----------



## Girl_power

It’s marriage... to me it’s black and white. Your either in or your out. There is no in between. There is not, we will see if things get better. That’s the point of marriage and love, your there through good times and bad. Marriage is meant for tough times.. that’s the freakin point!


----------



## DKEPL

Yeah. It's scary to think about what this could mean, but I'm ready either way.


----------



## BluesPower

DKEPL said:


> Yeah. It's scary to think about what this could mean, but I'm ready either way.


Are you, I hope you are because you have let her walk all over you like a dish rag. 

Like @Girl_power said, if her answer is anything less than yes I want to save the marriage, followed by ACTIONS that show this is true, then you should file for divorce ASAP. 

And while you are waiting for it to be final, you can grow a pair and be ready for the next relationship... HINT... Don't ever be with anyone like your wife... EVER. 

It is not guarantee but at least you get better odds that way...


----------



## Sfort

DKEPL said:


> Yeah. It's scary to think about what this could mean, but I'm ready either way.


It is really hard to communicate the marriage dynamics in a public forum. Make sure you totally understand where your wife's head is before you kick her to the curb. Her behavior is unacceptable in a marriage. No defense there. However, I've seen people experience similar events only to realize it was a phase the spouse was going through. If she is going through a phase, for whatever reason, she may pull out of it. You've been given some good, honest advice here. If it turns out that she really has tuned out of the marriage, it's time to move on. I'm not totally convinced you're there yet.


----------



## Girl_power

Sfort said:


> It is really hard to communicate the marriage dynamics in a public forum. Make sure you totally understand where your wife's head is before you kick her to the curb. Her behavior is unacceptable in a marriage. No defense there. However, I've seen people experience similar events only to realize it was a phase the spouse was going through. If she is going through a phase, for whatever reason, she may pull out of it. You've been given some good, honest advice here. If it turns out that she really has tuned out of the marriage, it's time to move on. I'm not totally convinced you're there yet.




I 100% agree! Especially when people are faced with the hard reality they can actually change... only if their spouse means business. That’s why I think you should instantly kick her out and start a trial separation if she gives a passive answer.


----------



## SunCMars

Girl_power said:


> It’s marriage... to me it’s black and white. Your either in or your out. There is no in between. There is not, we will see if things get better. That’s the point of marriage and love, your there through good times and bad. Marriage is meant for tough times.. that’s the freakin point!


And we did not back you into a corner, she did. We just pointed out where you stood, and now stand.


----------



## Marc878

It's the "i love her so much I'll let her decide my fate" play. 

Not a good tactic in this situation. Like most who choose this route you're gonna wallow awhile.


----------



## DKEPL

Well I got an answer. There had been a lot of indecision lately, but she came home last night and we had a solid conversation. She opened up about her feelings and I let her know where I stand. She is dealing with a lot of resentment towards me. Some of which I understand, some seems to be trivial, but I let her say her piece. I then told her that being in limbo is killing me and she needs to make a decision about working on things. She told me she spent her lunch and plan periods searching for a counselor in there area who specializes in getting past resentment. She made an appointment for Wednesday, which happens to be our anniversary. She wanted the new change to be reflected there. She also put her wedding ring back on this morning...It may not be perfect, but its a positive step...


----------



## Girl_power

Resentment is very difficult. It’s just overall a difficult place to be in for both of you. I understand being resentful but her actions were 100% wrong regardless.


----------



## Sfort

DKEPL said:


> She is dealing with a lot of resentment towards me.


Why is she resentful toward you? What have you supposedly done that she resents? Be careful with blame shifting unless you're really at fault.


----------



## DKEPL

We are both teachers and she works summer school, does curriculum building and a variety of other extra things to make money over the summer. I have only worked 3 summer school sessions in 11 years up to this year. Mostly because I didn't have a choice as summer school spots go to seniority usually. I coach baseball which removes me from the house a lot during the spring and in the past I coached summer leagues for my high school kids, and sometimes softball when I coached that as well, but only coached our own kids team once. She doesn't get that I work with my kids too all the time and I just wanted to be a dad/fan for once. I was asked to take over my son's soccer team this year and I told them no because it was already crazy. I didn't just say no but hell no. That pissed her off and she took over the team... 

Since then I took over the drivers ed program at my school and have earned enough credit on top of my masters to earn another 10% next year. Drivers ed nets me around 3500 bucks a summer for 13 days of work. I even picked up some Saturday schools which pay 100 bucks to come in for 4 hrs. I thought she'd be ecstatic about the additional support but she is pissed it took me so long to do it. I get her point, but damn...


----------



## DKEPL

There are additional other things like the fact that I shut down her fantasy world with the other guy at play too I'm sure...


----------



## Sfort

It sounds like there are other problems. Do you have money problems? If so, you need to fix those while you're working on other problems. (I could write a book on money problems.) Keep digging unless you already know what they are and just chose not to share them with us. You are far ahead of many spouses.


----------



## Sfort

DKEPL said:


> There are additional other things like the fact that I shut down her fantasy world with the other guy at play too I'm sure...


We were typing at the same time.


----------



## DKEPL

We don't have "money problems" in the sense that things are falling apart. But my mom who usually baby sits my sons twice a week had to go back to work. That means at times we will have to send them to our sitter and that costs us an additional $50 a day. She freaks out about the possible $400 a month that could mean. We make plenty to keep the bills paid and kids in all sorts of activities and still have some left at the end of the day. My attempts to pick up these extra things are an attempt to work out anything she might fear about money...


----------



## Sfort

DKEPL said:


> We don't have "money problems" in the sense that things are falling apart. But my mom who usually baby sits my sons twice a week had to go back to work. That means at times we will have to send them to our sitter and that costs us an additional $50 a day. She freaks out about the possible $400 a month that could mean. We make plenty to keep the bills paid and kids in all sorts of activities and still have some left at the end of the day. My attempts to pick up these extra things are an attempt to work out anything she might fear about money...


Full Disclosure: I'm a major fan of Dave Ramsey's teachings about money. My spouse and I are debt free except for the house. For the most part, we're on the same page about money. By the way, money is the number one cause of divorce in North America. If we end up splitting up, it will not be over money. We got rid of that irritant.


----------



## Girl_power

DKEPL said:


> There are additional other things like the fact that I shut down her fantasy world with the other guy at play too I'm sure...




What the heck this is so messed up. Your wife sounds like a jerk.


----------



## DKEPL

We actually bought into the Dave Ramsey ideas too. Took the class and it was great. We started snowballing and then I left that up to her...She handles the finances mostly because she asked to early on. As time went by we stopped having monthly check ins on the snowball and then just started to go back to the old ways. I considered bringing it back and now that I think about it, I ought to do so.

Is my wife a jerk. No. She really isn't. She comes from a family of nothingness. Her mom had four husbands and multiple boyfriends, one of which abused her as a teen. Her father sexually abused her as a child. She lived with her grandmother from Puerto Rico for 3 years with her brother. She has a sister who is in and out of jail and rehab. This sister had a child who now lives with her mom. We considered adopting her, but her mother didn't want us to. Her other brother is a pot head who hasn't worked in years. My wife worked her ass off in high school worked 30-40 hrs on top of being an athlete and going through what she did. I think a lot of the problem stems from what she perceived as laziness in me and feared I was turning out like them and it really hurt her because I was supposed to be the guy who helped her get out of that life...


----------



## jlg07

DKEPL said:


> We've been married for 9 years. I'm 36 she's 32. I found myself in a bit of a rut the last year. Wouldn't call it depression per say, but felt like I dreaded things that I shouldn't have. I put a lot of the household work on her and never really took on my fair share like I should have. We've both seen a counselor individually with mixed results.


BS -- her cheating has NOTHING to do with you not doing your fair share of housework. That is ALL on her.
Yes you should share chores in a marriage, no doubt, but THAT is not a reason for cheating. Your wife really isn't who you think she is -- your image of her, and what she is/thinks are not the same. You need to understand that (REALLY understand and internalize that) to get those rose-colored glasses removed.

You need to protect yourself and your kids. You already know that she has NO intentions of stopping and is not remorseful -- she's already told her gf about it no matter what she says to you.


----------



## DKEPL

Hi jlg...thanks we're past that.


----------



## DKEPL

Here's another question...

Our anniversary is Wednesday as I mentioned a minute ago. I asked her what she wanted to do about it. She said no gift but wants to go out next Saturday and celebrate it. My question is what type of activity. If I have a complaint about the marriage it is that it is boring. She dives so deep into the kids and work that date night always turns into a trip to the mall to get clothes for the kids or Wal Mart for groceries...Should I suggest something really outside the box or just dinner and a movie until things get figured out better?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

DKEPL said:


> Hi jlg...thanks we're past that.


----------



## Chaparral

Its shocking how many threads here have a wife that was abused as a child. Resentment of the abusers gets transferred to the husband.


----------



## DKEPL

3Xnocharm said:


>


Jesus...you really can't say anything on a board without misinterpretations...I know that's an issue, but its been brought up a dozen times...I get that


----------



## jlg07

DKEPL said:


> Hi jlg...thanks we're past that.


Yeah -- thanks. Just caught up -- a lot in a few days! Was just going to edit my post...

HOWEVER, I still think what I said applies.... It doesn't sound like she is really remorseful about what she did, and I'm not convinced that she won't be looking again. I DO realize that you mentioned THIS GUY specifically helped her past abuse, so that's why the connection there is so strong, but the fact is she already convinced herself that it was OK to go outside the boundaries of your marriage.

That type of thinking in her head isn't conducive to a strong marriage/reconciliation.


----------



## DKEPL

jlg07 said:


> Yeah -- thanks. Just caught up -- a lot in a few days! Was just going to edit my post...
> 
> HOWEVER, I still think what I said applies....


Not denying that...


----------



## jlg07

DKEPL said:


> Here's another question...
> 
> Our anniversary is Wednesday as I mentioned a minute ago. I asked her what she wanted to do about it. She said no gift but wants to go out next Saturday and celebrate it. My question is what type of activity. If I have a complaint about the marriage it is that it is boring. She dives so deep into the kids and work that date night always turns into a trip to the mall to get clothes for the kids or Wal Mart for groceries...Should I suggest something really outside the box or just dinner and a movie until things get figured out better?


How about go with something YOU want to do -- outside OR inside the box? Make it something exciting for YOU so and that can't turn into something for the kids. If you enjoy it, maybe that emotion will generate something in her as well...


----------



## DKEPL

jlg07 said:


> Yeah -- thanks. Just caught up -- a lot in a few days! Was just going to edit my post...
> 
> HOWEVER, I still think what I said applies.... It doesn't sound like she is really remorseful about what she did, and I'm not convinced that she won't be looking again. I DO realize that you mentioned THIS GUY specifically helped her past abuse, so that's why the connection there is so strong, but the fact is she already convinced herself that it was OK to go outside the boundaries of your marriage.
> 
> That type of thinking in her head isn't conducive to a strong marriage/reconciliation.


I don't feel that she isn't remorseful, but she also isn't in her right mind 100% yet either. She knows this wasn't OK. She's told me she was sorry, but IDK what all is going on up there....If her actions were conductive to a strong marriage I wouldn't be here lol...


----------



## DKEPL

jlg07 said:


> How about go with something YOU want to do -- outside OR inside the box? Make it something exciting for YOU so and that can't turn into something for the kids. If you enjoy it, maybe that emotion will generate something in her as well...


I like where you're going there...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

DKEPL said:


> Here's another question...
> 
> Our anniversary is Wednesday as I mentioned a minute ago. I asked her what she wanted to do about it. She said no gift but wants to go out next Saturday and celebrate it. My question is what type of activity. If I have a complaint about the marriage it is that it is boring. *She dives so deep into the kids and work that date night always turns into a trip to the mall to get clothes for the kids or Wal Mart for groceries...*Should I suggest something really outside the box or just dinner and a movie until things get figured out better?


THIS is likely a large part of your issues, that no time is made just for the two of you and that is a HUGE mistake. Couples NEED one on one time, without their kids, or not centered around something for the kids. (or work) 15 hours a week is what I can remember reading is the minimum that a couple should be making for just each other.


----------



## DKEPL

I'd agree with you 100%. I actually brought this up in our conversation. She was receptive, but also defensive saying she had to dive so deep because I wasn't always doing my share. I recognized that as a valid point, but stood by the fact that it is still valid that this is one of our problems. I think she thinks I want her to go out with me and become party animals. I just want to netflix and chill...


----------



## AandM

Look, I don't know you or your wife, and I'm no doctor, but you may want to look up the term "financial anorexia".



DKEPL said:


> I'd agree with you 100%. I actually brought this up in our conversation. She was receptive, but also defensive saying she had to dive so deep because I wasn't always doing my share. I recognized that as a valid point, but stood by the fact that it is still valid that this is one of our problems. I think she thinks I want her to go out with me and become party animals. I just want to netflix and chill...


----------



## DKEPL

AandM said:


> Look, I don't know you or your wife, and I'm no doctor, but you may want to look up the term "financial anorexia".


Dude you may be on to something. But the problem would be how do I tell this to someone who is harboring resentment...Hey honey get over that ****, you've got it great...I don't see that going so well...


----------



## AandM

You don't say, "Get over it". It's very similar to dietary anorexia. While we see someone who is skin-and -bones who clearly needs help, and the victim only see that she needs to lose five more pounds, someone suffering from financial anorexia can only see that she is one penny away from the poorhouse, no matter how big the actual number on the monthly statement really is.

From what you described of her childhood, is sounds like it was utterly unstable ****show. It seems to me that she has been trying to fix her past via exogenous sources, ie, marriage, security for the kids, as much extra work as possible, and now another man. Nothing from outside her is will fix anything.



DKEPL said:


> Dude you may be on to something. But the problem would be how do I tell this to someone who is harboring resentment...Hey honey get over that ****, you've got it great...I don't see that going so well...


----------



## DKEPL

AandM said:


> You don't say, "Get over it". It's very similar to dietary anorexia. While we see someone who is skin-and -bones who clearly needs help, and the victim only see that she needs to lose five more pounds, someone suffering from financial anorexia can only see that she is one penny away from the poorhouse, no matter how big the actual number on the monthly statement really is.
> 
> From what you described of her childhood, is sounds like it was utterly unstable ****show. It seems to me that she has been trying to fix her past via exogenous sources, ie, marriage, security for the kids, as much extra work as possible, and now another man. Nothing from outside her is will fix anything.


That is totally dead on man. I guess the question is how do I help her...She is going to counseling. Should I just let that take its course or is there something I can do to support her at the same time?


----------



## skerzoid

DKEPL:

Coach,

I was a head coach in football, basketball, track, swimming, & golf for 40 years. I was also Athletic Director, head of the Chess Club, head of the Academic Competition Team, on the National Honor Society Board, I was Lector at one of the largest Catholic Cathedrals in the USA for 20 years, I was a volunteer fireman for many years, all of this while being a full time classroom teacher! One of my teaching gigs was at a treatment center for emotionally disturbed kids with a one way commute of one and a half hours through the Rocky Mountains, winter, spring, summer, and fall. I did that for 8 years.

I coached my own kids for all their school sports (boy and a girl with 25 athletic letters between them) and I held down part time jobs in the summer while coaching summer camps and conditioning. I traveled to teach at coaching clinics, went to summer school to get more hours, worked grave yard shifts in the summer. I was Head Coach of two State All-Star football teams (Won both games!). I am in my state and High School Hall of fames. I have given two high school commencement speeches. 

I am a published author and had my own part time sales business for 50 years.

Next year, my wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary.

My wife and I love each other more than life itself and have been in love since we met. We never cheated because we couldn't bear the thought of hurting each other. We both got hit on by others at times but never responded. And it still happens occasionally, believe it or not. Between men and women, the option is always on the table.

Why tell you all of this? Because even though my job sometimes caused us to live apart at times, we never wavered. 

If I forgot to put on my wedding ring in the morning, she would jump me about it!

If I caught her intentionally not wearing hers, she would be on the curb or me if I did it.

My wife came from extreme poverty, her mom a widowed mother of seven kids with an eighth grade education. But my wife is still the classiest woman I have ever known. 

If she had done what your wife is doing, I would have driven her to Lover Boy's house and kicked her ass out. 

Gently, you make too many excuses for her infidelity. Sorry, but she is not worthy of you. She's looking to move up. 

You need to practice the "180" technique religiously. Heres a link : Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Hurt Spouses

Remember, to save a marriage, you have to be willing to lose it, and she has to believe it! Good Luck Coach!!


----------



## farsidejunky

OP, why do you keep insisting that you have to be angry to draw up what would be considered a normal boundary in a more healthy relationship?

Anger is secondary, with its roots typically tied to either fear or hurt...all of which muddies the proverbial water. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky

Also, your response to her resentment towards you should be to reflect any anger back at her, and to engage in healthy dialogue with her when she comes to you rationally.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------

