# Single guys and gals, would you let a woman you had one date with tell you that you can't date other women? And reverse the gender too, of course.



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.

And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Hellllllllll Noooooo!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

So lets see i meet a girl for a date and think this new girl that I don't know but think there is a possibility that this woman will become the wife and I am having sex with a woman that I know does not want more than the sex , yes I would while there is a chance of getting off with her ,

now i would expect a woman that I asked out on a second date to not have sex with some other guy in between the first date and second , 

I expect others to give me the same amount I give them , 
if I find out later that while she was dating me in the first 2/6 dates that she had another guy I would tell her to go back to the other guy , 

but lets push this out one more step , if on the first date she told me she had a guy and is waiting to brake it off right I would be open to giving some time , as I THINK I CAN PROVE BETTER THAN THE OTHER GUYS .

LIKE a friend used to say , while there are guys around that do work like that , I will all ways have work ,


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

this is like when people put on their Facebook as relationship status Complicated 
I take that as saying they are open and playing the field


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

That would come off as very creepy and controlling IF we had just literally met and didn't know each other at all. BUT, if we had been talking for quite awhile before meeting and had formed a great connection over the phone then met in person and hit it off then yes, if he _asked_ that we not see other people while we see where this is leading then that's way ok.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I had men ask for 'exclusivity' on first dates. 

It was a polite way of expressing their sexual expectations.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Not said:


> That would come off as very creepy and controlling IF we had just literally met and didn't know each other at all. BUT, if we had been talking for quite awhile before meeting and had formed a great connection over the phone then met in person and hit it off then yes, if he _asked_ that we not see other people while we see where this is leading then that's way ok.


very well put , agree with this


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


Depends on the chemistry  

Funny my answer, considering I made the multi-dating thread lol


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> now i would expect a woman that I asked out on a second date to not have sex with some other guy in between the first date and second ,
> 
> I expect others to give me the same amount I give them


Yeah, me too. Maybe this is a UK/US difference, but I really don't get this thing of dating multiple people. Can't you make your mind up? As far as I'm concerned, dating even one person is time consuming and financially expensive, so I'm either interested enough to be exclusive (for now), or else not interested enough for a second date. And the same for the woman. If she's not interested enough in me to want exclusivity, then next.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I wouldn’t say you can’t date. I would say that if they are sexually active with various people I wouldn’t do a second date


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Depends on the chemistry
> 
> Funny my answer, considering I made the multi-dating thread lol


 I know 🙂🙂🙂 but that's the reason I started this thread.
At a quick glance all say I only date one at a time but if single, and dating, the one at a time to me at least screams needy, codependent, and is the very antonym of dating.

So I thought certainly that be only me thinking that, let's see what others specifically think when put in perspective.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I can't even fathom this being discussed on a first date. For me it would be an instant bale and date ending.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> the one at a time to me at least screams needy, codependent


Wow! So how then do you move towards exclusivity and commitment? Or are you avoiding those for ever?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, me too. Maybe this is a UK/US difference, but I really don't get this thing of dating multiple people. Can't you make your mind up? As far as I'm concerned, dating even one person is time consuming and financially expensive, so I'm either interested enough to be exclusive (for now), or else not interested enough for a second date. And the same for the woman. If she's not interested enough in me to want exclusivity, then next.


I get you, but what to you think about this...if a person either sex is dating and not looking for M, why not date others? That helps in finding the right one.....the one that WILL make you consider something more permanent. When you look back you'll *not* have any regrets you settled.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I know 🙂🙂🙂 but that's the reason I started this thread.
> At a quick glance all say I only date one at a time but if single, and dating, the one at a time to me at least screams needy, codependent, and is the very antonym of dating.
> 
> So I thought certainly that be only me thinking that, let's see what others specifically think when put in perspective.


It's not even realistic to expect, on online dating apps new matches come in batches. Lets say you get 10 new matches a week, should you ghost or unmatch 9 of those you haven't even met? Or heck waste their time and keep them on the back burner? Come to think of it, maybe that's what just happened to me with one of them!!!

Before I started "multi-dating" I was dating one for 5 dates and ghosted quality matches in the process too, and guess what? Didn't even work out.

I can't go back to the ghosted matches and try to explain myself. I actually tried! And she actually replied calling me out on my BS going "so, did the month long relationship not work out?"


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


I'm not sure what you mean by "let"...are you asking if I would be offended if he said it? Or if I would agree to it?

I don't mind anyone saying almost anything to me, in fact, I would always WANT to hear what my potential partner's needs, desires, and expectations are, and I would be impressed with his communication and flattered that he thought that highly of me to want exclusivity.

I would most likely be operating that way with him already, because I can't really focus my attention on and feel attraction for more than one guy at a time. However, I wouldn't expect him to stop seeing other women while we were casually dating...but I wouldn't have sex with him unless he was willing to stop seeing other women and commit to me.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> Wow! So how then do you move towards exclusivity and commitment? Or are you avoiding those for ever?


If one just got out of a M, or ltr gf, or is happily single, if a person isn't looking for M or an immediate one hit wonder (one date wonder) commitment how is dating different people avoiding exclusivity *when they meet the right person?*

If a woman you had the date with can only see you once every couple weeks, but a second date is desired by both, *are you going to immediately stop going on dates but every couple weeks,* putting your future in their hands?

*You're that quick to let a person you don't know well at all yet, govern your life?*

That's almost insane.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If he is dating others, then I'm not going to be very serious with him and most importantly _he's not going to get the best of my care and attention and time and energy_. 

I'm not going to give someone the all of me while he's out dating other women 🤣


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by "let"...are you asking if I would be offended if he said it? Or if I would agree to it?
> 
> I don't mind anyone saying almost anything to me, in fact, I would always WANT to hear what my potential partner's needs, desires, and expectations are, and I would be impressed with his communication and flattered that he thought that highly of me to want exclusivity.
> 
> I would most likely be operating that way with him already, because I can't really focus my attention on and feel attraction for more than one guy at a time. However, I wouldn't expect him to stop seeing other women while we were casually dating...but I wouldn't have sex with him unless he was willing to stop seeing other women and commit to me.


From one date?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If one just got out of a M, or ltr gf, or is happily single, if a person isn't looking for M or an immediate one hit wonder (one date wonder) commitment how is dating different people avoiding exclusivity *when they meet the right person?*
> 
> If a woman you had the date with can only see you once every couple weeks, but a second date is desired by both, *are you going to immediately stop going on dates but every couple weeks,* putting your future in their hands?
> 
> ...


Govern your life...insane...really?? These are personal relationships, not binding business contracts...Lol!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> From one date?


From one date, what? Me? How I feel?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> If he is dating others, then I'm not going to be very serious with him and most importantly _he's not going to get the best of my care and attention and time and energy_.
> 
> I'm not going to give someone the all of me while he's out dating other women 🤣


And that's normal to me. Why give another all of you all at once, from one date?

The best relationships develop, not get a complete life history and baggage dump all at once on one date, that freaks more people out that not.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Livvie said:


> If he is dating others, then I'm not going to be very serious with him and most importantly _he's not going to get the best of my care and attention and time and energy_.
> 
> I'm not going to give someone the all of me while he's out dating other women 🤣


THIS EXACTLY.

A man who wants to date around will also have less value and interest to me than a man who wants to be exclusive to me, no matter what else I might like or love about him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I had a woman tell me she loved me on the first date and wanted to be exclusive. Turns out she was crazy— as expected. But likable in person. A Normal person isn’t bringing that up on a first date.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


If she has a nice bottom, yes...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Govern your life...insane...really?? These are personal relationships, not binding business contracts...Lol!!!


Now you're getting it. They say if you want a second date you must, must, must not be dating anyone else. If you agree, that's insane.
*
A person may indeed meet mr or ms Right in the next day or so quite by accident even, but you miss out on that because you let another person say you can't have lunch or date with another.*


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> THIS EXACTLY.
> 
> A man who wants to date around will also have less value and interest to me than a man who wants to be exclusive to me, no matter what else I might like or love about him.


And he, or she, will likely say ok, that seems a bit needy, and things may or may not go further.
That's acceptable.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Now you're getting it. They say if you want a second date you must, must, must not be dating anyone else. If you agree, that's insane.
> 
> *A person may indeed meet mr or ms Right in the next day or so quite by accident even, but you miss out on that because you let another person say you can't have lunch or date with another.*


But the part you bolded is true at ANY point if you are in ANY relationship with another person...why be committed to anyone at all if you might miss someone better?

And there are like, one million "Mr. or Ms. Rights", all over the place. When do you stop looking?

As long as people are open and up front about their expectations, they should be able to require anything they want.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> If she has a nice bottom, yes...


Always knew you were a spanker


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And he, or she, will likely say ok, that seems a bit needy, and things may or may not go further.
> That's acceptable.


What's needy? I'm not saying I would TELL him that I expect him to be exclusive, because I don't. Not unless he wants to have sex with me. But I'm saying that a man who dates more seriously has a higher value to me than a man who wants to be more casual.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Seriously , if there was chemistry, yes, I would accept that...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> But the part you bolded is true at ANY point if you are in ANY relationship with another person...why be committed to anyone at all if you might miss someone better?


It's different in a committed relationship. We are talking about dating, heck, the first few meets are they even really dates?

Think about it on an organic vs online dating perspective too:

Organically, we can meet someone, get to know them, THEN ask them out.
Online, we ask them out, THEN meet them and get to know them while dating.

Yet why are these standards universal too?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Healthy people are going to want to risk feeling stupid, feeling desperate, appearing needy, and everything else by asking for exclusivity on a first date. It seems you’d know if you met “the one” and they felt the same way, the exclusivity would naturally follow abd have plenty of gone for both of you to make it known you wanted that, rather having to ask or make it a demand.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> What's needy? I'm not saying I would TELL him that I expect him to be exclusive, because I don't. Not unless he wants to have sex with me. But I'm saying that a man who dates more seriously has a higher value to me than a man who wants to be more casual.


Every date is serious but not an invitation to put a ring through anyone's nose just from one date.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I would not tell somebody else what to do or how to behave nor would I allow a relative stranger attempt to control my behavior. If some guy tried to force his will on me that way I would end things immediately. That is too great of a red flag for me to ignore. 

That said, I am a believer that everybody is a free agent until the two people have a discussion & mutually agree to be exclusive. Commitment to me can only follow communication & agreement. 

Somebody who does not like the idea of multi-dating can express early on to their partner how they behave. For example: "Just wanted you to know that I like the direction this is heading. I'm the type that dates one at a time. I'm not asking you to commit to me because it's too early, but I was wondering where you stand on the whole multi dating thing in general?" It's a much softer approach designed to ferret out boundaries & expectations without making demands.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> But the part you bolded is true at ANY point if you are in ANY relationship with another person...why be committed to anyone at all if you might miss someone better?
> 
> And there are like, one million "Mr. or Ms. Rights", all over the place. When do you stop looking?
> 
> As long as people are open and up front about their expectations, they should be able to require anything they want.


You stop looking when you find the right person. Simple and normal.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> I would not tell somebody else what to do or how to behave nor would I allow a relative stranger attempt to control my behavior. If some guy tried to force his will on me that way I would end things immediately. That is too great of a red flag for me to ignore.
> 
> That said, I am a believer that everybody is a free agent until the two people have a discussion & mutually agree to be exclusive. Commitment to me can only follow communication & agreement.
> 
> Somebody who does not like the idea of multi-dating can express early on to their partner how they behave. For example: "Just wanted you to know that I like the direction this is heading. I'm the type that dates one at a time. I'm not asking you to commit to me because it's too early, but I was wondering where you stand on the whole multi dating thing in general?" It's a much softer approach designed to ferret out boundaries & expectations without making demands.


Excellently put. And realistic. And the best way to get to know another person.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Every date is serious but not an invitation to put a ring through anyone's nose just from one date.


You still aren't being clear about what you were responding to in my posts...and I don't know if you are understanding mine or what I'm saying.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> Seriously , if there was chemistry, yes, I would accept that...


If there was immediate chemistry, not typical but happens THAT'S why your dating. To find one of the people in a group of folks, to find that chemistry of the one that makes you reconsider.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> You still aren't being clear about what you were responding to in my posts...and I don't know if you are understanding mine or what I'm saying.


I'm trying, will reread.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If there was immediate chemistry, not typical but happens THAT'S why your dating. To find one of the people in a group of folks, to find that chemistry of the one that makes you reconsider.


I am one of those who needs immediate chemistry. I am a visceral person. Upon meeting a new man, I either thought _I'd date him_ or I barely noticed the guy. When the guy opened his mouth that is what I knew whether I would go on a date with him but it would take a few dates for me to figure out if this was going to be more than a bit of fun. I rarely wanted to have a conversation about exclusivity before the one month mark because i preferred to sit back, watch & observe both him & my reactions to him.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think the better question is after you have sex, would you be okay with being told no other dating.

Certainly, I wouldn’t give up everyone I was talking to after one date. How would you even know you’re compatible? After my gf and I had sex (date three), she asked me if I was still going to date the others she knew I was speaking to. If so, she wanted to know. I knew what she was driving at and I liked her. From then on, we only dating each other. It’s been two years.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The question involves reading between the lines quite a bit. Are they just meaning they are wanting to date one person at a time to give a fair shake in seeing if they are a good fit or not?

Or are they really meaning they are wanting some kind future commitment of marriage and permanency? 


Historically I have only dated people that I was already familiar with and already had a solid interest in before the first date. 


Some I had even had make sessions or even actual sex before the first actual date. 

So in that sense I would probably be ok with early dating exclusivity but it would have to be with the understanding that it would not be any kind of commitment towards cohabitation or marriage or anything like that and that either party could end the agreement at any time. 

In other words I could agree in theory to not see anyone else until the next date. But any date could be the last.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I was out one night and met a girl from out of town , I did not know her after we danced and talked a bit she was leaving to go home so I asked her for her phone number , we started dating we had been dating about 15 weeks and the girls mother had bought tickets to a black tie night , I found out after that my gf was at the black tie and I was not asked I did not like it and it hurt a lot at the time , the mother hoped my gf would find someone more snobby lol ,


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

For frame of reference, I have not been on the single’s dating market since Bill Clinton’s first term in office. 

Things were simply different back then. 

Most people knew each other in person and already had some kind of interaction or even friendship with each other before “dating” or they were set up by friends. 

This whole reading an internet or phone app profile then meeting over coffee for the first time was not a thing back then.

For many of us north of age 45, we are used to dating people we already knew and already had chemistry with and an interest in. 

Most of my high school classmates married their prom dates and the later bloomers married their first college BFGF. 

I was one of the last to get hitched at age 31 and was one of the only to experience actual adult dating. 

And as I said, I already knew almost all of them and some I even had a physical relationship to one degree or another before the first bona fide “date”.

So to those of us in our upper 40s and beyond, dating one person at a time was not only normal and standard,, but socially expected. 

Cont….


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Healthy people are going to want to risk feeling stupid, feeling desperate, appearing needy, and everything else by asking for exclusivity on a first date. It seems you’d know if you met “the one” and they felt the same way, the exclusivity would naturally follow abd have plenty of gone for both of you to make it known you wanted that, rather having to ask or make it a demand.



I completely disagree with this. If someone is sure they met "the one" on/during a first date they can't possibly be very healthy living in a fantasy land like that. Even if the first date was 3 days long, IMO it takes a lot more than that to know if someone is truly compatible, stable, etc. etc. I'm not against being a bit gullible but, c'mon - that's way crazy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Excellently put. And realistic. And the best way to get to know another person.


yes, but that wasn't the question...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cont….


Now that being said, I’m not sure the dating paradigm of us old dogs back in the day is necessarily the best practice for today.

Now we are in an age of meeting at the coffee shop for the first face to face meeting. 

Those of us in our 50s would probably not be shy about agreeing to seeing someone exclusively for awhile while seeing if there is a connection there.

But I would never advise my son or daughter to such a thing. 

I would advise them to keep their options open and make no commitments to anything until they have known someone on a personal level in the physical world for a good period of time (like a year or more)

It’s just simply a new era. Those of us in our 40s and 50s and beyond can comprehend it and deal with dating one at a time.

But I’m not sure those of the internet age should or even can.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If there was immediate chemistry, not typical but happens THAT'S why your dating. To find one of the people in a group of folks, to find that chemistry of the one that makes you reconsider.


But I wouldn't multi-date.... it's just not me.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

2&out said:


> I completely disagree with this. If someone is sure they met "the one" on/during a first date they can't possibly be very healthy living in a fantasy land like that. Even if the first date was 3 days long, IMO it takes a lot more than that to know if someone is truly compatible, stable, etc. etc. I'm not against being a bit gullible but, c'mon - that's way crazy.


This is what some folks imho aren't grasping.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Cont….
> 
> 
> Now that being said, I’m not sure the dating paradigm of us old dogs back in the day is necessarily the best practice for today.
> ...


So can I ask you , what advice would you give your children about sex with others in this time the (on a personal level in the physical world for a good period of time (like a year or more)

ALL answers are good , I just wish to know how you feel about sex in the early days , would you advise them to keep their options open on this too


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> But I wouldn't multi-date.... it's just not me.


And that's ok, it's your preference. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Imo if you met another person in person say anywhere while running errands, by chance, that you really hit it off with, talked for hours, had chemistry but you just had a first date with another earlier that week.....you would ask to see the coffee shop person again as well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> So can I ask you , what advice would you give your children about sex with others in this time the (on a personal level in the physical world for a good period of time (like a year or more)
> 
> ALL answers are good , I just wish to know how you feel about sex in the early days , would you advise them to keep their options open on this too


Yes. Don't marry the first girl who gets your hormones going. Period. 

How many have we seen on TAM saying I married my first, and in just a few years they are saying they wonder if they missed out on finding a more perfect match and want to see what they missed and now as a M person want to date others. A lot.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yes. Don't marry the first girl who gets your hormones going. Period.
> 
> How many have we seen on TAM saying I married my first, and in just a few years they are saying they wonder if they missed out on finding a more perfect match and want to see what they missed and now as a M person want to date others. A lot.


My step sister’s 22 year old daughter is getting married in September. She’s been with her bf for 3 years. Both ‘aspiring’ actors living in Manhattan. Both waiting tables now. She told me they are still both virgins. Saving each other for wedding night. I thought to myself, I’m attending, cutting my gift in half because this marriage won’t last 7 years. 😂


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I didn't exactly spend a lot of time on the dating scene since I met my wife at 16. I did date though. It seems to me that everyone I dated and all my friends that were dating were exclusive. Once you got to the point where you said you were dating someone it was assumed you were exclusive, especially once you had sex with them. It would seem very odd though to have someone say they want exclusivity on the first date. However, once you've had sex that seems very natural, since married or not most people are expect monogamy.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> *You're that quick to let a person you don't know well at all yet, govern your life?*
> 
> That's almost insane.


I agree.

Relationships in general are a mess. 

People want instant gratification - connection, chemistry, sex, commitment. 

It's like a bunch of two year olds who've never been told no.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yes. Don't marry the first girl who gets your hormones going. Period.
> 
> How many have we seen on TAM saying I married my first, and in just a few years they are saying they wonder if they missed out on finding a more perfect match and want to see what they missed and now as a M person want to date others. A lot.


 I am one of them MARRIED the only girl I had sex with ever


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> My step sister’s 22 year old daughter is getting married in September. She’s been with her bf for 3 years. Both ‘aspiring’ actors living in Manhattan. Both waiting tables now. She told me they are still both virgins. Saving each other for wedding night. I thought to myself, I’m attending, cutting my gift in half because this marriage won’t last 7 years. 😂


There are people who marry their first after dating years and are happy decades later. It depends on the people


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I am one of them MARRIED the only girl I had sex with ever


I married the first guy. We had sex in our relationship. Dated 4 years married 26. Fun times still going on on regular basis.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

snowbum said:


> There are people who marry their first after dating years and are happy decades later. It depends on the people


 yes dated 4 years and no sex before marriage , over 30 years together ,


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I am one of them MARRIED the only girl I had sex with ever


Me too, married to her 32 years later and going strong.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Me too, married to her 32 years later and going strong.


 so we must be unicorns now 🦄


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

2&out said:


> I completely disagree with this. If someone is sure they met "the one" on/during a first date they can't possibly be very healthy living in a fantasy land like that. Even if the first date was 3 days long, IMO it takes a lot more than that to know if someone is truly compatible, stable, etc. etc. I'm not against being a bit gullible but, c'mon - that's way crazy.


Not disagreeing, when I say “the one”, I mean someone they think might be “the one”. I am not a big believer in “the one” and am disgusted by the term “soul mates” and usually when a woman I’m dating uses the term, it’s a huge, huge turnoff.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Not disagreeing, when I say “the one”, I mean someone they think might be “the one”. I am not a big believer in “the one” and am disgusted by the term “soul mates” and usually when a woman I’m dating uses the term, it’s a huge, huge turnoff.


I agree.

Here's a question I'd like the answer to: next time a woman uses the term soul mate with you, ask her how many other people she's used that term to describe in her life, haaaa! I'd love to know the response. I'd do it, but not many men use the term so I haven't had the opportunity to ask that.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I get you, but what to you think about this...if a person either sex is dating and not looking for M, why not date others?


Honestly, it may be laziness or busyness on my part. I'm not looking at dating _at all_ at the moment for those two reasons. If I was dating, I'd date that person until they rule themselves out in some way. 

And conversely, if a woman has had a date with me, and still wants to go looking for other people, I'm going to suspect she just likes dating; which is not the kind of partner I want. 

But I also stand by what I said before, I think there is a UK/US cultural difference on this also.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think the better question is after you have sex, would you be okay with *being told* no other dating.


I don't get this "being told" thing. If we've had sex, _I_ don't want either of us having sex with other people. That's not me "being told". So maybe I'm answering the wrong question.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ha! If a woman is that much of a control freak, I'd run away fast. It would be incredibly stupid to be in a relationship with someone like that, unless you're a totally submissive wimp. She'd probably end up cuckolding you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> I don't get this "being told" thing. If we've had sex, _I_ don't want either of us having sex with other people. That's not me "being told". So maybe I'm answering the wrong question.


I used those words because of the original question on this thread. My point being, my answer is completely different based upon first date versus after first sex.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Depends on the context (hey, we were all single once...)

If they said, "Just so you know, if we decide to make this official, I'm not into sharing." that would be okay to me. 
If they said, "Hey, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't see anyone else" on Date 1 - I'd be like YIKES

Basically if it's contingent on the relationship evolving into something more than a casual date, seems reasonable to say. But if it's a condition of dating even one more time, I'd say no way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And that's ok, it's your preference. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
> 
> Imo if you met another person in person say anywhere while running errands, by chance, that you really hit it off with, talked for hours, had chemistry but you just had a first date with another earlier that week.....you would ask to see the coffee shop person again as well.


No, I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t entertain any kind of relationship with a stranger whilst running errands… I’m not that kind of person.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> It's not even realistic to expect, on online dating apps new matches come in batches. Lets say you get 10 new matches a week, should you ghost or unmatch 9 of those you haven't even met? Or heck waste their time and keep them on the back burner? Come to think of it, maybe that's what just happened to me with one of them!!!


You said you don't like talking on the phone in another thread but that's really the best way to start finding out what kind of chemistry you have. You talk to people until you hit one where the sparks fly then you focus on her. You don't even have to login to OLD once that's going on.

And let's be honest, if you show up to the actual date with even half the confidence and charisma that created sparks on the phone, if your belly isn't blocking your view of your junk and if you don't look like the elephant man she's probably going to want a second date. It's not a huge risk.

So men can either date like a 600 pound guy at the buffet, always trying to leave space to stuff something else on their plate, or men can find exactly who they want and go after her with all their vigor. My now wife and I were exclusive before we even went on our first date. It was a huge turn on that she had the standards not to waste her time with a guy playing it half arsed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> No, I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t entertain any kind of relationship with a stranger whilst running errands… I’m not that kind of person.


Where o where are there places you might exchange pleasantries with others?

Not the grocery store? Not at a restaurant? Not strolling through the public square?
Do you never ever talk with people anywhere?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Where o where are there places you might exchange pleasantries with others?
> 
> Not the grocery store? Not at a restaurant? Not strolling through the public square?
> Do you never ever talk with people anywhere?


I would at the pub, but I live in a small
village and I know everyone… 😊


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> So can I ask you , what advice would you give your children about sex with others in this time the (on a personal level in the physical world for a good period of time (like a year or more)
> 
> ALL answers are good , I just wish to know how you feel about sex in the early days , would you advise them to keep their options open on this too


I tell my kids sex must always be safe, consensual, responsible and respectful to self and others.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Back in the day, the rule was, until there is a significant commitment, there was no expectation of exclusivity.
> 
> On the other hand, when my kids were dating, one date or less brought on an assumption of exclusive relationship.
> 
> now there is something called a situationship. Perhaps it is wise to vocalize your expectations.


I don't remember anyone when I was young dating more than one person at a time. I think it's a much more recent thing now we have on line sites like tinder. 

Personally I wouldn't date a guy who was also dating another lady and I have finished 2 relationships due to that. 
He is free to date 10 people at once but he wouldn't be the man 4 me.

I wouldn't tell him he couldn't, he is free to do that, but I wouldn't have any more dates with him. If I happen to find out he is doing that it's bye bye.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> I am one of them MARRIED the only girl I had sex with ever


Me too, well, no, that's a fib. However we've been M 38yrs.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Me too, well, no, that's a fib. However we've been M 38yrs.


where you get the change over done


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> where you get the change over done


I'm not grokking that?

Edited to add, I'm not understanding what you mean.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I don't remember anyone when I was young dating more than one person at a time. I think it's a much more recent thing now we have on line sites like tinder.
> 
> Personally I wouldn't date a guy who was also dating another lady and I have finished 2 relationships due to that.
> He is free to date 10 people at once but he wouldn't be the man 4 me.
> ...


 ho yes and babies came from under the cabbage plant


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> where you get the change over done


You'll have to explain what you mean, I'm not getting it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If I thought I liked her, then sure as long as it’s reciprocal.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> where you get the change over done


@frenchpaddy , now I'm curious, I'm not understanding this idiom, what you mean but I'm trying to understand to get your point. 
Even the great oracle Google isn't a help.

For some reason you're not clarifying. 

Anyone know what that means?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> once again my world view and experience differ somewhat from Diana, I guess I must be lying.


As you said your world view is different.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2&out said:


> I can't even fathom this being discussed on a first date. For me it would be an instant bale and date ending.


It wasn't discussed on our first date, it was a given that we were only dating each other. We both came off the dating site at that point. We had by then sent a lot of emails to each other in only 5 days since first contact and shared a lot of stuff.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Here's where there are some variables. If the first date is not a stranger date and you actually known each other in real life and then are just finally going out, then I think it's a fair question to at least put on the table but either one can say no.

If it's a stranger date, I think anyone is crazy for treating it like an engagement. Your focus should not be on commitment but on finding out what the person is like. If you go into it like a stage 4 clinger, that ought to be enough of a red flag to run the other person off. 

If you go out for a couple of months and are losing interest in other people, both of you, then maybe it's time to just see if the other wants to be dating exclusively.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


She can ask the question all day day long, I can't control that, but what I can do is tell her to get lost. 

Would've just met her and my take away is this is going to be a controlling, manipulative, and drama filled woman. NOT happening and I walk away and I don't give a [email protected] how hot she is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Not said:


> That would come off as very creepy and controlling IF we had just literally met and didn't know each other at all. BUT, if we had been talking for quite awhile before meeting and had formed a great connection over the phone then met in person and hit it off then yes, if he _asked_ that we not see other people while we see where this is leading then that's way ok.


As long as you don't do it before you meet in person because you really can't know a person until you do.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I know 🙂🙂🙂 but that's the reason I started this thread.
> At a quick glance all say I only date one at a time but if single, and dating, the one at a time to me at least screams needy, codependent, and is the very antonym of dating.
> 
> So I thought certainly that be only me thinking that, let's see what others specifically think when put in perspective.


I think it's a generational difference.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Let me also say, it takes a few dates to get to know someone (obviously). I definitely understand not wanting to get intimate with someone who's dating others, but to demand not going out with others after the FIRST date? That's crazy!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Every date is serious but not an invitation to put a ring through anyone's nose just from one date.


I certainly had a lot of unserious dates that were lots of fun and we both knew they were unserious. So for me every date isn't serious. Just because I'm might enjoy going out to see a band with a guy doesn't always mean romance is in the air. It could go either way and for me some of those ended up friends.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm trying, will reread.


Y'all should pay attention to Ragnar. He's happily married and been so for a long time. Not that everyone's method is ever going to be the same, but his certainly worked for him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> I was out one night and met a girl from out of town , I did not know her after we danced and talked a bit she was leaving to go home so I asked her for her phone number , we started dating we had been dating about 15 weeks and the girls mother had bought tickets to a black tie night , I found out after that my gf was at the black tie and I was not asked I did not like it and it hurt a lot at the time , the mother hoped my gf would find someone more snobby lol ,


And did she?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yes. Don't marry the first girl who gets your hormones going. Period.
> 
> How many have we seen on TAM saying I married my first, and in just a few years they are saying they wonder if they missed out on finding a more perfect match and want to see what they missed and now as a M person want to date others. A lot.


Half of my generation made that mistake.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Yeah I mean I guess a caveat is I didn’t walk up to random strangers and go, “Hey wanna go out?” If you don’t already know the person it would be weird to ask for exclusivity.

I never asked my wife it was just assumed by me since she was a nice young lady. If she was constantly going not tonight and making up excuses then I would have moved on.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sideways said:


> Let me also say, it takes a few dates to get to know someone (obviously). I definitely understand not wanting to get intimate with someone who's dating others, but to demand not going out with others after the FIRST date? That's crazy!!


That depends on context. Some of it is generational. Older generations sought relationships from the fit-go and often went into the first date already knowing each and at least considered them at least somewhat relationship potential before even asking them out. 

Some cultures and religious groups practice “courting” where there is already intent to pursue a relationship with that person and the dates are to evaluate how they actually perform in a relationship.

And a good chunk of the earth’s population practice at least some degree of arranged marriage where people date to see if they will be able to live with this person or not. 

As compared to thousands and thousands of years of human history, it is the coffee date with the stranger from the internet for the first meeting that was considered crazy just 20some years ago. Now it’s the new standard.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I don't remember anyone when I was young dating more than one person at a time. I think it's a much more recent thing now we have on line sites like tinder.
> 
> Personally I wouldn't date a guy who was also dating another lady and I have finished 2 relationships due to that.
> He is free to date 10 people at once but he wouldn't be the man 4 me.
> ...


In the 1950s, dating pretty much meant multi-dating but no sex in high school. But it was encouraged to date around and get to know other dates.

The 1960s and 1970s with birth control saw a huge segment of the U S population doing more hooking up than they're doing today. Dating was hardly even a word because people were just going out and meeting other people more informally and hanging out and hooking up and sometimes dating. And you certainly didn't automatically assume there was going to be exclusivity. If in that process you met someone you wanted to marry and have kids with, then you became exclusive.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sideways said:


> She can ask the question all day day long, I can't control that, but what I can do is tell her to get lost.
> 
> Would've just met her and my take away is this is going to be a controlling, manipulative, and drama filled woman. NOT happening and I walk away and I don't give a [email protected] how hot she is.


I feel the same way about a guy doing it except I would be thinking controlling and clinger and I hope he's not a stalker who won't give up.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I feel the same way about a guy doing it except I would be thinking controlling and cleaner and I hope he's not a stalker who won't give up.


Absolutely agree with this.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


Sure. It's a compatibility issue for me. I don't care if someone wants to multi-date or not, they're sure as heck never going to date me. It's much more efficient to establish that from the get-go so we don't waste each other's time.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

D0nnivain said:


> I would not tell somebody else what to do or how to behave nor would I allow a relative stranger attempt to control my behavior. If some guy tried to force his will on me that way I would end things immediately. That is too great of a red flag for me to ignore.
> 
> That said, I am a believer that everybody is a free agent until the two people have a discussion & mutually agree to be exclusive. Commitment to me can only follow communication & agreement.
> 
> Somebody who does not like the idea of multi-dating can express early on to their partner how they behave. For example: "Just wanted you to know that I like the direction this is heading. *I'm the type that dates one at a time. I'm not asking you to commit to me because it's too early, but I was wondering where you stand on the whole multi dating thing in general?" It's a much softer approach designed to ferret out boundaries & expectations without making demands.*


That's exactly what I did. It weeded out all the men who wanted differently before I bothered getting all dolled up to leave my house 😂.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My feeling is it's a safety issue. I mean, anyone can keep it together to write some nice persuasive messages and then behave themselves on a first date, but it takes a lot longer than that to be sure they're not









So why would you want to commit to a stranger? If they turn out to be crazy, that only gives them more leverage over you when you want to leave peacefully.

And, please, naive people, PUHLENTY of men and women will happily tell you, Sure, we'll be exclusive, and then go right on about doing what they want to do, knowing the whole time you are stuck sitting at home by yourself while they are free to roam. I'm saying that will happen more likely than not, and this has gone on since time began. So _why commit to exclusivity with someone you have zero idea if their word is even good? _ Because you don't. A date is not a marriage proposition or a commitment.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And, please, naive people, PUHLENTY of men and women will happily tell you, Sure, we'll be exclusive, and then go right on about doing what they want to do, knowing the whole time you are stuck sitting at home by yourself while they are free to roam. I'm saying that will happen more likely than not, and this has gone on since time began. So _why commit to exclusivity with someone you have zero idea if their word is even good? _ Because you don't. A date is not a marriage proposition or a commitment.


I get your point here but this can actually be an important part of the screening process - can they keep their word?? 

If your ultimate goal is exclusive relationship/marriage etc, you’re going to learn much better how well someone keeps their word on matters of exclusivity and monogamy etc if you are in a mutually agreed upon exclusive dating arrangement than in a open relationship/multi dating arrangement.

If someone is out multi dating from get go, you have no idea if they will be a good exclusive match or not.

If you both agree to exclusive dating and they cheat - then you know they are not. 

If they keep their word; whether you want to actually marry them or not might remain to be seen, but at least you know they can keep their hands to themselves.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I get your point here but this can actually be an important part of the screening process - can they keep their word??
> 
> If your ultimate goal is exclusive relationship/marriage etc, you’re going to learn much better how well someone keeps their word on matters of exclusivity and monogamy etc if you are in a mutually agreed upon exclusive dating arrangement than in a open relationship/multi dating arrangement.
> 
> ...


But if they're not exclusive, then they are more likely to let you know they might be seeing someone else, and that right there can at least tell you if they are focused on you or not. And what are the chances you will find out they're cheating if you just started dating and made that agreement first date and have no idea what the other is doing at any given time, who their friends are, what their history is, what's going on at work, whether they're some type of addict, or anything about them yet except they said yes to the question. You still have no idea. 

And why would any person agree to exclusivity with a stranger? So if the first date goes well, you become exclusive, but then the second date makes clear it's not a match, you have to break up?

Some people are going to agree to it just to get laid sooner. It isn't any peace of mind whatever.

I mean, I would HOPE whether you want to marry them might remain to be seen because this is just your first date. You don't know the person. You have no basis on which to want exclusivity and it looks really desperate and clingy and hungry. Don't most people want someone to be a little more discerning than that?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> THIS EXACTLY.
> 
> A man who wants to date around will also have less value and interest to me than a man who wants to be exclusive to me, no matter what else I might like or love about him.


Agreed. Dude can do what he wants but I have zero interest in a guy who's sniffing elsewhere.

I wouldn't ask him to do anything. I'd simply keep on going if he was a multi dater.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

gaius said:


> You said you don't like talking on the phone in another thread but that's really the best way to start finding out what kind of chemistry you have. You talk to people until you hit one where the sparks fly then you focus on her. You don't even have to login to OLD once that's going on.
> 
> And let's be honest, if you show up to the actual date with even half the confidence and charisma that created sparks on the phone, if your belly isn't blocking your view of your junk and if you don't look like the elephant man she's probably going to want a second date. It's not a huge risk.
> 
> So men can either date like a 600 pound guy at the buffet, always trying to leave space to stuff something else on their plate, or men can find exactly who they want and go after her with all their vigor. My now wife and I were exclusive before we even went on our first date. It was a huge turn on that she had the standards not to waste her time with a guy playing it half arsed.


Even if I find the one with what I thought was the best chemistry doesn't mean anything is going to work out, check out what happened to me last night after all in the private section.

Online dating you can't trust anything, even your instincts are wonky because there's too little information available to form conclusions about the patterns you see.

Its just foolish to be exclusive until at least first base in my opinion. The more I think about I'm not so sure I trust chemistry anymore either. It could be one-sided no matter how she acts around you.

I can only imagine if I focused on her, the disappointment would be so much greater and I would be left with no one. Instead, I still have a fbuddy, and two dates lined up the following two weekends. 

That is the difference between putting all your eggs in one basket or not. Don't wedge your bets on feelings, they can still be wrong, and your intuition is nothing but an analyser of subconscious signals that can be wrong.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed. Dude can do what he wants but I have zero interest in a guy who's sniffing elsewhere.
> 
> I wouldn't ask him to do anything. I'd simply keep on going if he was a multi dater.


It usually takes a coincidence to find that out, though, and then you feel you did waste your time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


I think people are getting a little hung up on the word “let” and are getting a bit hung up on other concepts like commitment and agency etc etc 

We’re all adults here so it’s not a matter of “let.”

What it really comes down to is how much time, energy, money and investment of themselves do people want to get into with someone who is dating other people concurrently?? 

When you boil it all down to the core, the real answer is probably not very many. 

How much time, energy, money and emotional investment are you going to put into someone that is actively dating others??? 

The answer for most people is likely “not much.”

Some people are going to be more in touch with that feeling snd that concept than others. 

Those people are going to be more likely to lay it out there on the table sooner rather than later. 

But let’s put it into an actual scenario-based example and change the verbiage around a bit.

Lets say boy meets girl and both hit it off well initially and let’s say one or the other openly wants another date or states they want to at least continue seeing the other.

Then let’s say the other responds with, “ I am interested in seeing you again as well. But I am only interested in seeing one person at a time and for me to continue seeing someone, I want to be the only one they are seeing at the time as well. Is that someone you would be agreeable to? “

Does that change your outlook on the question?

It’s not asking for any time of time commitment.

It’s not asking for marriage or cohabitation or promise of a future. 

And it’s certainly not about “letting” someone do something. 

It’s saying that for them to continue seeing someone, they want to be the only one that the other person is seeing at that time as well. 

If so, fine let’s see where things go.

If not, thank you for the fun evening.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Consider how many people there are who later find out the person they are seeing is married and how long it took them to find out. Someone like that won't shy away from saying whatever it takes. 

At least do a background check once you know enough about the person, name, age, address, to do one. At least do that before committing to a stranger. They could have been in prison or be married or any number of things. At least if a background check comes back, it increases your chances some (though certainly no guarantee).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I think people are getting a little hung up on the word “let” and are getting a bit hung up on other concepts like commitment and agency etc etc
> 
> We’re all adults here so it’s not a matter of “let.”
> 
> ...


Honestly, I still think that would scare a lot of people, not everyone, but a lot.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

For the 25+ years I've been been reading online forums, there have been two distinct and largely incompatible camps when it comes to multi-dating; those who do, and those who don't. Neither is wrong, but they're simply wrong for each other most of the time. If you can establish which camp they're in early on, you'll save yourself a lot of frustration.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> For the 25+ years I've been been reading online forums, there have been two distinct and largely incompatible camps when it comes to multi-dating; those who do, and those who don't. Neither is wrong, but they're simply wrong for each other most of the time. If you can establish which camp they're in early on, you'll save yourself a lot of frustration.


There's always a ton of compatibility questions to get through and not enough time early on and the conversation has to be organic not feel like a job interview. This is where it gets grey. 

I reckon people should just assume non exclusivity until spoken of otherwise, to expect anything else is just unrealistic and foolish.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But if they're not exclusive, then they are more likely to let you know they might be seeing someone else, and that right there can at least tell you if they are focused on you or not. And what are the chances you will find out they're cheating if you just started dating and made that agreement first date and have no idea what the other is doing at any given time, who their friends are, what their history is, what's going on at work, whether they're some type of addict, or anything about them yet except they said yes to the question. You still have no idea.
> 
> And why would any person agree to exclusivity with a stranger? So if the first date goes well, you become exclusive, but then the second date makes clear it's not a match, you have to break up?
> 
> ...


If someone is open and honest about wanting to date other people, then it is your choice whether you want to be in their rotation or not. That is perfectly fair. 

Some people are not going to want to be in a rotation though and they have the right to state that as a stipulation to continue seeing someone.

Does that mean they might get broken up with after the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 27th or 133rd date? 

YES!

And for people who are looking for an honest, exclusive relationship that is not only acceptable but actually PREFERRED.

If I am looking for a serious, exclusive LTR/marriage, I would rather that relationship come to an end cleanly and overtly if that person was not the right match for me. 

And if they are dumping me or I am dumping them, then they obviously are not the right match.

Yes it is often painful to get dumped if you really like someone and wished the relationship to continue. 

But If my goal was a serious, exclusive relationship, then it’s better to be dumped than strung along indefinitely going nowhere with someone playing the field.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed. Dude can do what he wants but I have zero interest in a guy who's sniffing elsewhere.
> 
> I wouldn't ask him to do anything. I'd simply keep on going if he was a multi dater.


This.

You talk with someone and you go out with them and you’re like, “Meh… maybe? Let me see who else is out there and just in case will keep stringing this one along.”

Doesn’t sound great to me. Rather just be NOPE and then onto the next one.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yes. Don't marry the first girl who gets your hormones going. Period.
> 
> How many have we seen on TAM saying I married my first, and in just a few years they are saying they wonder if they missed out on finding a more perfect match and want to see what they missed and now as a M person want to date others. A lot.


What happens is they simply mature and maturity usually means change. You start knowing what you want to do and forming better plans, and you often grow apart. A whole lot of my Dallas gang divorced between 25 and 30. Fortunately, all but one didn't have kids yet.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Consider how many people there are who later find out the person they are seeing is married and how long it took them to find out. Someone like that won't shy away from saying whatever it takes.
> 
> At least do a background check once you know enough about the person, name, age, address, to do one. At least do that before committing to a stranger. They could have been in prison or be married or any number of things. At least if a background check comes back, it increases your chances some (though certainly no guarantee).


You’re talking about cheating and scamming etc. 

That’s a separate issue.

Yes people need to keep their eyes and ears open and people need to be ready, willing and able to bolt if they find out they’re being cheated on.

I’ve been married close to 27 years and I could find out tonight that my wife is cheating on me.

People always need to be prepared to be on the lookout for getting scammed or taken advantage of and deal with it promptly if it occurs.

But that is a separate issue than wanting to date someone that is only dating you vs openly multi dating.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


Hell no, that would be ridiculous. In either direction.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What happens is they simply mature and maturity usually means change. You start knowing what you want to do and forming better plans, and you often grow apart. A whole lot of my Dallas gang divorced between 25 and 30. Fortunately, all but one didn't have kids yet.


The original question was not about asking someone to marry you or committing to a long term term relationship or moving in together or taking out a mortgage or having children together. 

It was about what your response would be if someone wanted to be the only one you you would be dating in order to continue dating them.

Also, the question is not about someone asking for marriage or long term commitment from the get go. 

But rather to be the only one they are dating while those compatibility issues are being determined.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> Wow! So how then do you move towards exclusivity and commitment? Or are you avoiding those for ever?


You certainly don’t move towards those things on a first date. That’s creepy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> There's always a ton of compatibility questions to get through and not enough time early on and the conversation has to be organic not feel like a job interview. This is where it gets grey.
> 
> I reckon people should just assume non exclusivity until spoken of otherwise, to expect anything else is just unrealistic and foolish.


I think people should assume non exclusivity until exclusivity. 

But I think what Ragnar was asking is what would your response be if someone asked you to only date them very early on.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> I think people should assume non exclusivity until exclusivity.
> 
> But I think what Ragnar was asking is what would your response be if someone asked you to only date them very early on.


I'd like to change my answer. Last night it was "depends on chemistry". Now after processing what happened last night...

Only after first base would I go exclusive, after a good first kiss. Otherwise forget it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> You’re talking about cheating and scamming etc.
> 
> That’s a separate issue.
> 
> ...


Look, if they're a cheater/scammer/liar, they're already lying first date and they'll lie about exclusivity.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> The original question was not about asking someone to marry you or committing to a long term term relationship or moving in together or taking out a mortgage or having children together.
> 
> It was about what your response would be if someone wanted to be the only one you you would be dating in order to continue dating them.
> 
> ...


You don't know the person to even know if a true thing will EVER come out of their mouth, so what is the point of this exercise in futility?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> For the 25+ years I've been been reading online forums, there have been two distinct and largely incompatible camps when it comes to multi-dating; those who do, and those who don't. Neither is wrong, but they're simply wrong for each other most of the time. If you can establish which camp they're in early on, you'll save yourself a lot of frustration.


I agree.

I also think both are fine and agree that both should be broached earlier rather than later in the dating arena.

Both exclusive dating and multi dating are in how you market it and how you verbalize it.

If someone wants to multi date and wants to continue to see someone, they need to verbalize as I would like to continue to see you, however I do not wish for it to be an exclusive relationship at this time and I would like to see and date other people as well. Are you ok with that?”

And for someone wanting to be the only person that the other is dating, they basically say the same thing only say that they want to be the only one the other is seeing at that time. 

Whether the very first date is the appropriate venue for that conversation depends on a multitude of factors. 

But I do think people need to state their intentions, wishes and boundaries sooner rather than later.

It’s not asking for marriage or long term commitment.

It’s stating a dating preference. The other person can agreee to it or they can decline.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look, if they're a cheater/scammer/liar, they're already lying first date and they'll lie about exclusivity.





DownByTheRiver said:


> You don't know the person to even know if a true thing will EVER come out of their mouth, so what is the point of this exercise in futility?


True, that's the thing too, early on there's no trust established. Can we even trust exclusivity that comes out of their mouths?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look, if they're a cheater/scammer/liar, they're already lying first date and they'll lie about exclusivity.


Yes they may be. 

And when you catch them in said lies, then you know they are a lier and can act accordingly. 

I guess I don’t understand your point here. 

No one is asking for the routing number of your bank account here.

It’s someone stating a dating preference on how they prefer to date. 

If they’re lying about that, then they are a lier. 

You shouldn’t date someone if they’re a lier whether you are exclusive or whether you are multi dating.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> You shouldn’t date someone if they’re a lier whether you are exclusive or whether you are multi dating.


How do we even know early on?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> No, I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t entertain any kind of relationship with a stranger whilst running errands… I’m not that kind of person.


What does that even mean?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> True, that's the thing too, early on there's no trust established. Can we even trust exclusivity that comes out of their mouths?


Ok lemme see if I can explain this. But you and @DownByTheRiver need to at least try to read what I’m actually saying and not just touting your own agendas.

For starters, we’re not talking about someone asking for marriage, long term commitment or access to your bank accounts. 

How we get to know someone and learn whether they are a decent person that is compatible with or or whether they are a snake in the grass is by spending time with them and doing things with… ie “dating.”

Different people have different dating preferences in how they like to date and get to know someone.

Some people like to multi date or keep their options open or spin plates or however you want to call it.

There are other people that prefer to date one at a time and they prefer that the person they are dating ..ie spending time with… getting to know etc, is also only seeing them at that time.

Those are dating preferences.

The question posed in the OP is basically what would your reaction be if someone stated their preference for one-on-one dating and asked if you’d be agreeable to only see them while getting g know each other one the first date. 

It wasn’t asking for marriage. It wasn’t asking to ride off into the sunset together. It wasn’t asking for sex. And it wasn’t asking for your check book or to co-sign a mortgage or car payment with them. 

It’s asking if you share the same dating agreement or would at least be agreeable to only see them while getting to know each other.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> How do we even know early on?


Read my post #129 above.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> Ok lemme see if I can explain this. But you and @DownByTheRiver need to at least try to read what I’m actually saying and not just touting your own agendas.


I have no agenda, I was curious about multi-dating due to an inkling that one of my dates may bring it up, but after I just learnt a messed up lesson last night now my faith in humanity has reached a new low.

I just so happen to agree with @DownByTheRiver that we can't trust anything people say early on.



> For starters, we’re not talking about someone asking for marriage, long term commitment or access to your bank accounts.
> How we get to know someone and learn whether they are a decent person that is compatible with or or whether they are a snake in the grass is by spending time with them and doing things with… ie “dating.”
> Different people have different dating preferences in how they like to date and get to know someone.
> Some people like to multi date or keep their options open or spin plates or however you want to call it.
> ...


I get it, I'm just not sure whether we can trust someone who says they want to be exclusive - to be exclusive early on. 

They can just want you to themselves and could be married for all we know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> I have no agenda, I was curious about multi-dating due to an inkling that one of my dates may bring it up, but after I just learnt a messed up lesson last night now my faith in humanity has reached a new low.
> 
> I just so happen to agree with @DownByTheRiver that we can't trust anything people say early on.
> 
> ...


That is true. 

But the same could be said for someone that was to ask about multi dating as well.

Anyone could be a lier.

The point is how you would prefer to get to know someone in order to determine if they were a good honest person or a snake in the grass. 

Would you prefer to date them one-on-one to determine that?

Or would you prefer to multi date?

The thing I think some people are having trouble grasping is they are not asking for long term commitment.

Ok so in simple terms let’s say you started dating someone on Friday night, and by Tuesday you find out they are a lier and a cheat. 

Assuming you had fun, Does it matter to you if you only dated them between Friday and Tuesday if you sent them packing once you found out they were a lier and a cheat?

The same thing could have happened if you were multi dating. 

Would you have been any better or any worse off either way? 

Anyone can be a lier. Anyone can be a cheat. 

How much you invest yourself and your time and money is up to you. 

It comes down to how would you prefer to get to know someone in order to determine if they are the right match for you or not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> True, that's the thing too, early on there's no trust established. Can we even trust exclusivity that comes out of their mouths?


Of course not. This is for idealists.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Yes they may be.
> 
> And when you catch them in said lies, then you know they are a lier and can act accordingly.
> 
> ...


You shouldn't sit at home being exclusive to someone who may be out doing absolutely anything. You should just be getting to know them.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> That is true.
> But the same could be said for someone that was to ask about multi dating as well.
> Anyone could be a lier.
> 
> ...


Actually, multi-dating helps lessen the blow. I would be a worse shape right now after last night if I didn't. I can imagine if I had dropped everyone and went after the one with the most chemistry. I would be ripping out my hair at how much of a fool I was. I would be hating on myself right now for my own stupidity (I'm already doing that, but on a much smaller scale)

Yet hell, non-exclusivity could be a dealbreaker with another one of my potential dates. But at this point I want to burn them all anyway, if she asks I'll do the right thing and let her know the score. But lets say (and this could very well be a possibility on our date next weekend - if it even happens  ) - let say she asks the OP's question. I'll probably run anyway. Sure, I get it, people have preferences, like you said. But to expect me to just give her all the eggs on her basket so that she can crack them all at once? To expect me to trust her after just one date?

Maybe I'm just jaded, but right now, from my perspective, exclusivity is just too much to ask too early on.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Well, you can't stop someone from saying that to you.

Now, if a man said that to me, I would politely and immediately end things with him at that very moment.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> That is true.
> 
> But the same could be said for someone that was to ask about multi dating as well.
> 
> ...


How I would prefer to get to know them is by not showing that I am so naive as to ask a stranger to pretend to be exclusive with me on the first date. Once you do that and pretend to take them at their word, they know they can easily snow you and you'll just believe anything.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


I haven't read the thread yet, however, I would perceive that as a red flag and there wouldn't be a second date.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't blame anyone for WANTING to date exclusively, mind you. I just think it's naive to expect that too soon.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You shouldn't sit at home being exclusive to someone who may be out doing absolutely anything. You should just be getting to know them.


On that I agree. You should get to know them. 

And if in so doing you find that they are lying or cheating or someone is violating an agreement, you should stop dating them.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> On that I agree. You should get to know them.
> 
> And if in so doing you find that they are lying or cheating or someone is violating an agreement, you should stop dating them.


How are we supposed to know with strangers?  
Already tough enough for married folk to find out whether people are lying or cheating let alone strangers who live apart.

Hell my faith in humanity is low enough as it is, let alone to put even more expectations on strangers for them to disappoint me in.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't blame anyone for WANTING to date exclusively, mind you. I just think it's naive to expect that too soon.


Is it naivette' or is it initiative?? 

Let's flip this around. There is the classic tale of the guy asking a lady's man on how he gets with so many women. The lady's man says he asks every woman he sees if she wants to get it on. 

The man says, "Oh my God, you must get your face slapped a lot!"

The lady's man replies, "Yes I do. But I get laid a lot too " 

Being willing to to state your preference up front and ask if someone would be agreeable to it initiative and courageous. 

Naivette' is expecting everyone to go along with it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How I would prefer to get to know them is by not showing that I am so naive as to ask a stranger to pretend to be exclusive with me on the first date. Once you do that and pretend to take them at their word, they know they can easily snow you and you'll just believe anything.


Says the scorned Eternal Skeptic. 

But to people who are oriented towards making personal connection and relationships, it's Tuesday.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> How are we supposed to know with strangers?
> Already tough enough for married folk to find out whether people are lying or cheating let alone strangers who live apart.
> 
> Hell my faith in humanity is low enough as it is, let alone to put even more expectations on strangers for them to disappoint me in.


Let me flip the question back on you - how are you going to get to know someone unless you spend time with them and see them? 

How do people go from being strangers to knowing each other and even knowing if they are a match or whether they are trustworthy and faithful or they are a lier and a cheat? 

The question being posed is how would you react if it was proposed to you that you get to know each other one-on-one from the get-go?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> Let me flip the question back on you - how are you going to get to know someone unless you spend time with them and see them?
> 
> How do people go from being strangers to knowing each other and even knowing if they are a match or whether they are trustworthy and faithful or they are a lier and a cheat?
> 
> The question being posed is how would you react if it was proposed to you that you get to know each other one-on-one from the get-go?


Getting to know anyone and building trust takes time sure. But there is a difference between this and exclusivity;

When you are giving your exclusivity to someone you are closing yourself off to all other options, that's a lot to ask from someone from the get-go.
Especially before trust is even established they could have riden ten c--ks the morning before they even met you on the first date demanding exclusivity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


I would be fine with it and expect the same if I was interested in her.

Basically, I wouldn't be dating a woman that was already dating someone else and I give as good as I require.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Getting to know anyone and building trust takes time sure. But there is a difference between this and exclusivity;
> 
> When you are giving your exclusivity to someone you are closing yourself off to all other options, that's a lot to ask from someone from the get-go.


River touched on this a bit earlier. What the person asking for early one-on-one risks is getting formally broken up with a lot instead of just getting ghosted into obscurity. 

Let's face it, most relationships of all types eventually come to some form of end. In multi-dating/playing the field/spinning plates etc, there often is not a formal break up........ people just kind of drift away and fade away into the background like a fart in the breeze. 

If someone only dates one-on-one, that is basically a form of serial monogamy in which case it is a series of dating relationships where in order for another relationship to begin, one has to end. 

For people who do seek a focused dating relationship, that is a risk that they are not only prepared to face, but something they actually embrace. 

That is not to say they like getting dumped or that they like relationships ending,, but they would rather if someone wasn't the right match, that things come to an explicit, formal break up than simply fading away without closure. 

So in other words, if you came to want to date someone else, their expectation would that you inform them and either dump them, or give them the option of dumping you if they did not want to be in your rotation. 

People of the same orientation understand that and are cool with it. 

Others that don't want that level of formality would rather things just drift apart and fade away.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> When you are giving your exclusivity to someone you are closing yourself off to all other options,


If you are not willing to do that at that time, then you decline and go on about your business.


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Most people knew each other in person and already had some kind of interaction or even friendship with each other before “dating” or they were set up by friends.
> 
> This whole reading an internet or phone app profile then meeting over coffee for the first time was not a thing back then.
> 
> For many of us north of age 45, we are used to dating people we already knew and already had chemistry with and an interest in.


Exactly this. In my younger years I always knew the guy as a friend/acquaintance before we got romantically involved so it's not like our first date was our first meeting and the interest had already built. The first "date" just marked a shift to a different level of relationship. In most cases we had a common circle of friends and would know if the other one was playing the field anyway.

If I was just meeting someone in person for the first time on a date? No way would I guarantee any kind of exclusivity at that early stage. I fully expect that they're on their best behaviour for the first few dates anyway and the real personality isn't going to become evident for a while. Not going to commit to someone if I don't even know if there will be a date 4 or date 5 down the road.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Getting to know anyone and building trust takes time sure. But there is a difference between this and exclusivity;


This is where people being able to communicate and express their intentions and boundaries comes in. 

Don't confuse dating one person at time with a time commitment or committing to ride off into the sunset forever with them. And especially don't confuse it with marriage or cohabitation or any legal or financial conjoining or commitment. 

One can agree to a next date without getting with someone else in the interim but acknowledging the right to end the dating relationship at any time for any or no reason. 

By it's very definition, dating is noncommittal. It is a trial period to get to know each other without commitment or expectation of permanency. 

There should be no formal future commitment until an engagement has been proposed and accepted. 

To simplify, there needs to be a distinction between a one-on-one dating agreement and commitment of future partnership. 

A dating agreement can be terminated by either party at any time for any or no reason.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> River touched on this a bit earlier. What the person asking for early one-on-one risks is getting formally broken up with a lot instead of just getting ghosted into obscurity.
> 
> Let's face it, most relationships of all types eventually come to some form of end. In multi-dating/playing the field/spinning plates etc, there often is not a formal break up........ people just kind of drift away and fade away into the background like a fart in the breeze.
> 
> ...





oldshirt said:


> If you are not willing to do that at that time, then you decline and go on about your business.


If they want to bring up, they can. Doesn't mean it's something *I* would bring up on the first date nor should I be expected to.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Of course not. Nor would I expect that of him.

After 2 or 3 dates though, is when I start to feel either "yep, I want to see where this goes" or "nope, this isn't going to work". 

I did say to my husband (then boyfriend) after about 3 dates I think that I couldn't continue to date him if he kept his profile up, as I liked him and didn't want to get any further along and get hurt. His choice completely whether to leave it up or not though, luckily he made the right choice


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Corgi Mum said:


> Exactly this. In my younger years I always knew the guy as a friend/acquaintance before we got romantically involved so it's not like our first date was our first meeting and the interest had already built. The first "date" just marked a shift to a different level of relationship. In most cases we had a common circle of friends and would know if the other one was playing the field anyway.
> 
> If I had was just meeting someone in person for the first time on a date? No way would I guarantee any kind of exclusivity at that early stage. I fully expect that they're on their best behaviour for the first few dates anyway and the real personality isn't going to become evident for a while. Not going to commit to someone if I don't even know if there will be a date 4 or date 5 down the road.


Yes, then you get folks like me on dating apps where first date is literally the first meet to see if they are even real.

It's too universal a standard regardless of different circumstances. Organic dating is better sure, but it's not everyday an organic opportunity knocks on your door.
I would still be choking my chicken with my hands if it wasn't for online dating and that's simple facts.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.


I'd tell her that it was nice knowing her and wish her the best in her life. If she's trying to control my life right off the bat, then that's relationship is not going anywhere for me. I'd be out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Says the scorned Eternal Skeptic.
> 
> But to people who are oriented towards making personal connection and relationships, it's Tuesday.


Hope that made you feel bigger so it wasn't all in vain.


----------



## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


IF she was an all-star... top tier... probably.

8 or below... nah.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

I wouldn't tell her I forbid it, I'd just expect her not to do it. If she went on another date with someone else I'd stop seeing her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My feeling is it's a safety issue. I mean, anyone can keep it together to write some nice persuasive messages and then behave themselves on a first date, but it takes a lot longer than that to be sure they're not
> View attachment 89310
> 
> 
> ...


I don't see it as being committed in that sense but simply choosing to date one person at a time. I wouldn't date more than one man at a time so I would definitely not accept a man who thought that was ok. 
I see it as general respect for another person. Treating them as I want to be treated. I am not a commodity to be weighed or tested against several others until he decides who he chooses as the 'lucky winner'.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by "let"...are you asking if I would be offended if he said it? Or if I would agree to it?
> 
> I don't mind anyone saying almost anything to me, in fact, I would always WANT to hear what my potential partner's needs, desires, and expectations are, and I would be impressed with his communication and flattered that he thought that highly of me to want exclusivity.
> 
> I would most likely be operating that way with him already, because I can't really focus my attention on and feel attraction for more than one guy at a time. However, I wouldn't expect him to stop seeing other women while we were casually dating...but I wouldn't have sex with him unless he was willing to stop seeing other women and commit to me.


Let is a strong word I agree. Perhaps accept could be a palatable synonym. 

I'd agree that in a lot of cases your approach is the gray area or line that is a common and functional progression as two persons take the next step in getting to know each other.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Let me flip the question back on you - how are you going to get to know someone unless you spend time with them and see them?
> 
> How do people go from being strangers to knowing each other and even knowing if they are a match or whether they are trustworthy and faithful or they are a lier and a cheat?
> 
> The question being posed is how would you react if it was proposed to you that you get to know each other one-on-one from the get-go?


Being ASKED to date exclusively from the beginning is different from being told you have to as a condition of continuing. 

Many times I would be on a 1st date with somebody & have a different date lined up with somebody else within the next week I would not take kindly to being told that by an accident of timing / scheduling I was now required to blow off those people. I would probably deflect & say something along the lines of "that's a conversation for a 3rd date." I would not be opposed to talking about exclusivity from the beginning but it may have taken some arranging on my part. I would hope that a new person could respect my candor & need to be polite to others.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

D0nnivain said:


> Being ASKED to date exclusively from the beginning is different from being told you have to as a condition of continuing.
> 
> Many times I would be on a 1st date with somebody & have a different date lined up with somebody else within the next week I would not take kindly to being told that by an accident of timing / scheduling I was now required to blow off those people. I would probably deflect & say something along the lines of "that's a conversation for a 3rd date." I would not be opposed to talking about exclusivity from the beginning but it may have taken some arranging on my part. I would hope that a new person could respect my candor & need to be polite to others.


It comes down to preference and nature.

If you're upfront as well, the aforementioned man and you would quickly determine one date was where it stopped.

I had a pretty wild youth but I was definitely a one woman at a time man.

People who set up more than one date at a time just have a different mindset than those who don't.

My vetting process worked out for me so that I didn't accept a date unless I already knew enough about the woman to be interested enough to give her an honest, exclusive, try.

If I found myself dating at my age, I would have a lot of friendships but would be very hesitant to date until I found mutual interest with one.

Most of my relationships when younger were short or hookups anyway.

As much as men seem to want sex quickly in a relationship, it actually gets in the way a lot and muddies the water.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Generally we have two groups of people here. Those who think it's ok to multi date and are therefore ok with their dates multi dating, and those who date one person at a time and would want the one they are dating to do the same. Seems reasonable to me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I don't see it as being committed in that sense but simply choosing to date one person at a time. I wouldn't date more than one man at a time so I would definitely not accept a man who thought that was ok.
> I see it as general respect for another person. Treating them as I want to be treated. I am not a commodity to be weighed or tested against several others until he decides who he chooses as the 'lucky winner'.


Well you can certainly choose to date one person at a time because you can control yourself and your own actions, but it's presumptuous to think you can control someone's you don't even know.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I think people just don't understand what it's like in dating these days especially online.

Organically when chemistry is there even before you ask them out it's much different from having first dates with total strangers.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i can not see the need for so much interaction between groups , nothing to stop people from having friends , but what makes some feel the need to date many people at the same time , it is not as if life is a race and you have to sample every member of the town , if you need so many new experiences how are you going to be content with one 


Diana7 said:


> Generally we have two groups of people here. Those who think it's ok to multi date and are therefore ok with their dates multi dating, and those who date one person at a time and would want the one they are dating to do the same. Seems reasonable to me.


 I think there is 3 groups posting here there are the ones that want to date only one person at a time like you said if it does not work out they are happy to go back to single life , then the second group you talk about that seem to treat dating and sex like hand shake , they seem to think it is only sex , then there is the people that have a so called sex friend they are not getting around as much as the second group , less social than the second group and afraid that if they dump the sex friend and the new chance at dating does not work out they don't want to go back and find a sex friend again , 


DownByTheRiver said:


> Well you can certainly choose to date one person at a time because you can control yourself and your own actions, but it's presumptuous to think you can control someone's you don't even know.


 while you can't control other people , there is a large amount of people out there that want the same thing , and is the reason why you get to know the person without it been a sexual relationship , I think the girl we had posting this week about dating and she ended up having sex on the first date know it was best to get to know the person more that happened in the ideal world


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> I think people just don't understand what it's like in dating these days especially online.
> 
> Organically when chemistry is there even before you ask them out it's much different from having first dates with total strangers.


 I would think it should be easier , 
there is so much info out there now , 
IN our day we drove over 100 mls to a night club , there was people from all over the country 
you did not know the girls there form (adam :eve)
you had no way of knowing anything about them , and if you got her name you could not pull out your iphone and spy on her facebook , 
today if a woman meets a new guy in two days she now knows more about him than the fbi would know in a year 
women of today are far better at looking up everything about a guy and if they can't find it on the net they have a friend that knows the guy , you can't hide now my friend


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

in our day there was blind dates where a friend brought along a friend with her and her boyfriend brought his friend , you had no idea what the other person looked like , or what could happen , if we did not do it we were the people organizing it , today if people talk about a blind date you have their facebook photos to show and people judge off a photo first , good thing unless you look like me lol


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> I would think it should be easier ,
> there is so much info out there now ,
> IN our day we drove over 100 mls to a night club , there was people from all over the country
> you did not know the girls there form (adam :eve)
> ...


I can hide actually, I am stealthy 😎

Bars and nightclubs are for youngsters though, 30+ if I stick to organic pick ups it's random opportunities where ever and whenever, and the chemistry is normally 👌 from the get go because many women feel like they are being swept off their feet compared to being swiped on a dating app.

In such a case maybe you can get away with exclusivity, I still wouldn't bring it up but meh

However, if just meeting up meh strangers on an online dating app and expecting exclusivity, forget it. That's the thing, this standard of exclusivity is too universal and unrealistic.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well you can certainly choose to date one person at a time because you can control yourself and your own actions, but it's presumptuous to think you can control someone's you don't even know.


That's why you date those who are on the same page as you. You can soon find out if you are.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> I can hide actually, I am stealthy 😎
> 
> Bars and nightclubs are for youngsters though, 30+ if I stick to organic pick ups it's random opportunities where ever and whenever, and the chemistry is normally 👌 from the get go because many women feel like they are being swept off their feet compared to being swiped on a dating app.
> 
> ...


Its really not unrealistic for many of us, as you have seen on this thread.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Its really not unrealistic for many of us, as you have seen on this thread.


Because folks either dated organically or in your case through Christian dating sites not swipe apps where matches come in batches.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> I can hide actually, I am stealthy 😎
> 
> Bars and nightclubs are for youngsters though, 30+ if I stick to organic pick ups it's random opportunities where ever and whenever, and the chemistry is normally 👌 from the get go because many women feel like they are being swept off their feet compared to being swiped on a dating app.
> 
> ...


 you have just not moved on , you tried the bar when younger , now you have to look at what women your age are going to ball room dance class will be starting up after the summer as will cooking class and other interests , many years ago I helped run a YOUTH CLUB end of each year we had a dinner dance where to had to bring a partner it used to be the thing that formed many couples , to help the couples form before the big night "so we could sell the tickets " we ran things like cooking class or other things like golf anything that got people to mix as in a club where we had guys and girls that went around in a group of 20 or more it was not the best to get out of friends zone


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> I think people just don't understand what it's like in dating these days especially online.
> 
> Organically when chemistry is there even before you ask them out it's much different from having first dates with total strangers.


Yeah and that's why I said earlier in the thread that's why I strongly urge my kids to keep all options open as long as possible today even though that is not what I did in my youth. 

It's a whole different paradigm of how people interact and get to know each other today. 

Back in my young and single days, many of my peers married their prom dates. 

Many had essentially known each other to one degree or another their whole lives prior to the first bona fide date. They grew up with their parents playing cards together on the weekends. Their siblings were friends and ran around together. They had basically known each other at least since kindergarten. 

Most of the people that didn't marry their HS sweetheart, married their first college BF/GF. And even in those situations they were often in the same social circles and/or were set up by mutual friends that would vouch for each other and give them the green light. 

In my case, I met my wife at work. We would see each other and occasionally say hi or make some kind of work related interaction or very superficial chit chat for several years before mutual work friends set us up. 

That's how its been done for many thousands of years. For thousands of years people met and coupled up within either their own tribe or were set up through mutual friends with a neighboring tribe. 

That all changed about 30 years and now people encounter complete strangers electronically from all across the globe and the first face-to-face meeting is with a complete stranger that they think they know from some emails, txts and video chats. 

When I was a teenager, if you went to homecoming or prom with someone, you were a couple and all was assumed to be exclusive and that you were going to date exclusively until one formally broke up with the other. 

Back in those days to just ghost someone and fade away without a word was considered highly inappropriate and worthy of public scorn. 

Today it's different. 

Today it's almost considered intrusive and "controlling" and considered to be a red flag if someone wants to date one-on-one and wants the person they are seeing to only see them. 

25 years ago and beyond it was an assumption and social convention to only see one person at a time and considered very bad form if not actually scandalous to date more than one. 

In days of yore people were expected and even coerced to marry the first person they developed a relationship with and had sex with. 

Today people are warned to NOT attach yourself with the first number of people you have sex with and that has even been strongly stated here on this thread by some. 

I do not know if one paradign is fundamentally better than the other across all domains. 

But for younger people coming up through the ranks today meeting complete strangers in coffee shops for the first time, I urge my kids to keep their options open for as long as possible. 

It's a do as I say and not as I did type scenario.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> you have just not moved on , you tried the bar when younger , now you have to look at what women your age are going to ball room dance class will be starting up after the summer as will cooking class and other interests , many years ago I helped run a YOUTH CLUB end of each year we had a dinner dance where to had to bring a partner it used to be the thing that formed many couples , to help the couples form before the big night "so we could sell the tickets " we ran things like cooking class or other things like golf anything that got people to mix as in a club where we had guys and girls that went around in a group of 20 or more it was not the best to get out of friends zone


Schools had curriculum on dating and relationships and proper social discourse as part of their curriculum back in the 50s and 60s. It was still part of the curriculum in home economics class when I was in a small rural school in the early 80s. 

Churches and even community centers would have "mixers" for singles back in the day.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> you have just not moved on , you tried the bar when younger , now you have to look at what women your age are going to ball room dance class will be starting up after the summer as will cooking class and other interests , many years ago I helped run a YOUTH CLUB end of each year we had a dinner dance where to had to bring a partner it used to be the thing that formed many couples , to help the couples form before the big night "so we could sell the tickets " we ran things like cooking class or other things like golf anything that got people to mix as in a club where we had guys and girls that went around in a group of 20 or more it was not the best to get out of friends zone


Well I don't have any social hobbies, hell even with squash I play it by myself 🤣 and I would be annoyed if some stranger decides to join I'll probably excuse myself and get mad lol

I used to love dancing when I was an alcoholic, since quitting I haven't danced since. My ex loved dancing too and it pained me that I had too many inhibitions when sober to join her. Same with singing but my singing sucks because I have a deep voice.

Meh, think I'll stick to randomly hitting on women I see, and hope she ain't 18 or married next time.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Because folks either dated organically or in your case through Christian dating sites not swipe apps where matches come in batches.


as much as I like your posts , your wasting you r time on here when you should be giving people near you the chance of your intelligence, if you are not in the right place how are you going to meet them , talking to people in the uk and the US is not different than the girl next door ,

I often thought it funny driving my kids to school and passing the other kids waiting for the bus and see them back to back texting other people ,( for all they know they might have been chatting with some 65 year old perv from the other side of the world , and how many times do we here of kids posting nude pics to some perv that ends up posting them or saying he will post them if they don't do more) but they would not talk to the girl beside them waiting for the bus


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Schools had curriculum on dating and relationships and proper social discourse as part of their curriculum back in the 50s and 60s. It was still part of the curriculum in home economics class when I was in a small rural school in the early 80s.
> 
> Churches and even community centers would have "mixers" for singles back in the day.


 we never had that in holy Ireland , kids often did not even go to school with the other sex , so you left school and had no set up to meet others your age , the only thing was the pub life or clubs or night clubs


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah and that's why I said earlier in the thread that's why I strongly urge my kids to keep all options open as long as possible today even though that is not what I did in my youth.
> 
> It's a whole different paradigm of how people interact and get to know each other today.
> 
> ...


Thats the damn thing with the organic encounter I had at work, she didn't even go on dating apps, we could have been exclusively dating and in that instance due to our chemistry prior it the exclusivity could be assumed.

Online though with all these strangers it's just too much and too unrealistic to assume exclusivity. I wouldn't say all hope is lost in modern times, there's still two camps.

But organic and online are two different dating styles and the norms of exclusivity should also be considered separately.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> as much as I like your posts , your wasting you r time on here when you should be giving people near you the chance of your intelligence, if you are not in the right place how are you going to meet them , talking to people in the uk and the US is not different than the girl next door ,
> 
> I often thought it funny driving my kids to school and passing the other kids waiting for the bus and see them back to back texting other people ,( for all they know they might have been chatting with some 65 year old perv from the other side of the world , and how many times do we here of kids posting nude pics to some perv that ends up posting them or saying he will post them if they don't do more) but they would not talk to the girl beside them waiting for the bus


Yeah well after the next two dates (if they even happen) I'm deleting my profiles from all my dating apps and sticking to organic only. I gave it one hell of a shot with nearly 200 matches over the last half a year. May still not happen though.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Thats the damn thing with the organic encounter I had at work, she didn't even go on dating apps, we could have been exclusively dating and in that instance due to our chemistry prior it the exclusivity could be assumed.
> 
> Online though with all these strangers it's just too much and too unrealistic to assume exclusivity. I wouldn't say all hope is lost in modern times, there's still two camps.
> 
> But organic and online are two different dating styles and the norms of exclusivity should also be considered separately.





RandomDude said:


> Yeah well after the next two dates (if they even happen) I'm deleting my profiles from all my dating apps and sticking to organic only. I gave it one hell of a shot with nearly 200 matches over the last half a year. May still not happen though.


 on the dating sites i think a lot of them are just money making for the people running them , 
I would say even though many say keep away from work romance , it is good to be open to relationships where ever they come from , just when at work keep it work only , but if you meet up after it is your own time 
with how you described your social life and hobbies it might be best to keep what you have going as long as you can


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> on the dating sites i think a lot of them are just money making for the people running them ,
> I would say even though many say keep away from work romance , it is good to be open to relationships where ever they come from , just when at work keep it work only , but if you meet up after it is your own time
> with how you described your social life and hobbies it might be best to keep what you have going as long as you can


It was high risk, but now I regret not taking the initiative after what I've seen online. Either way I won't make the same mistake again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Because folks either dated organically or in your case through Christian dating sites not swipe apps where matches come in batches.


Thats why I suggested sticking to one local site.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Thats why I suggested sticking to one local site.


Even if I stick to one app, let's say Hinge, they still come in batches. So what do I do with 5 matches? Choose one and unmatch the other 4?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Even if I stick to one app, let's say Hinge, they still come in batches. So what do I do with 5 matches? Choose one and unmatch the other 4?


 As I don't know how they work , can you not except all 5 is it like massage on facebook , and you can chat with all 5 chances are one or you are false matches so 3 are left , be luck if you get 1 date out of 3 , me thinks but then I might be under exterminating your charm


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if you are stuck *Sfort knows a site where a lot of women are looking for hook up *


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> That's why you date those who are on the same page as you. You can soon find out if you are.


Diana you're very naive for thinking you can possibly know that when you don't even know them. There are so many people out there who will say whatever it takes. I'm glad you haven't had that experience but plenty of people have.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> As I don't know how they work , can you not except all 5 is it like massage on facebook , and you can chat with all 5 chances are one or you are false matches so 3 are left , be luck if you get 1 date out of 3 , me thinks but then I might be under exterminating your charm


You swipe left or right to their profiles. Left means you aren't interested, right means you are. You get limited right swipes per day to use, that's to stop guys swiping right to everyone 😅

If the women swipe right as well, you got a match. I got around ~5-10 new matches each weekend. Apparently from what I've heard I'm doing pretty steady, some guys hardly get matched at all. And people want me to choose 1 out of 10 and unmatch the other 9? 🙄

Really? 🤦‍♂️

I've stopped swiping now but they pop up every now and then as sometimes they match with you months after you swipe. Should I unmatch them too just bc I may be setting up dates with someone else who may ghost or cancel or not work out?

Thats why I'm shaking my head at this thread but I understand completely if it's dating organically, because the chemistry is there, it's not like online dating where you have yet to even determine chemistry.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

To answer the original question, I'd say that it depends on how it is asked. Reason I say is because it shows me the woman's character (or man's for those that want to date a man). 

I guess I'll find out here soon enough since I'm going to be doing this anyway.

So, if the woman demands after a first date that I don't date anyone else, I'm out. That tells me there is going to be problems in other areas. 

If we both have a GREAT time and connect really well and she says, "look, I'm not really into multi-dating, I really like to focus my attention on one person.", then it wouldn't bother me. She isn't demanding that I can't see someone else. She is setting a boundary. I can respect that. Plus, assuming the date was great and we really connected, I would definitely be game for just seeing her and no one else.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> You swipe left or right to their profiles. Left means you aren't interested, right means you are. You get limited right swipes per day to use, that's to stop guys swiping right to everyone 😅
> 
> If the women swipe right as well, you got a match. I got around ~5-10 new matches each weekend. Apparently from what I've heard I'm doing pretty steady, some guys hardly get matched at all. And people want me to choose 1 out of 10 and unmatch the other 9? 🙄
> 
> ...


sounds like the _Sean Connery_ of TAM


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> I can only imagine if I focused on her, the disappointment would be so much greater and I would be left with no one. Instead, I still have a fbuddy, and two dates lined up the following two weekends.
> 
> That is the difference between putting all your eggs in one basket or not. Don't wedge your bets on feelings, they can still be wrong, and your intuition is nothing but an analyser of subconscious signals that can be wrong.


That's the thing though. If you let women consume you like that, that you always need a constant supply to feel not disappointed, you often take yourself right out of the running for the really good ones. What high quality woman who knows her worth is going to be impressed by indecisiveness or nonsense when it comes to her?

If my wife woke up tomorrow and decided she didn't want to be with me anymore I might be single for a month, a year, 5 years, forever even. I'd be fine by myself until I ran across someone else who peaked my interest, as long as that would take. I'd rather masturbate than have no strings sex with some woman I wasn't that into.

And as far as instincts go, fortune favors the bold.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> i can not see the need for so much interaction between groups , nothing to stop people from having friends , but what makes some feel the need to date many people at the same time , it is not as if life is a race and you have to sample every member of the town , if you need so many new experiences how are you going to be content with one
> 
> I think there is 3 groups posting here there are the ones that want to date only one person at a time like you said if it does not work out they are happy to go back to single life , then the second group you talk about that seem to treat dating and sex like hand shake , they seem to think it is only sex , then there is the people that have a so called sex friend they are not getting around as much as the second group , less social than the second group and afraid that if they dump the sex friend and the new chance at dating does not work out they don't want to go back and find a sex friend again ,
> 
> while you can't control other people , there is a large amount of people out there that want the same thing , and is the reason why you get to know the person without it been a sexual relationship , I think the girl we had posting this week about dating and she ended up having sex on the first date know it was best to get to know the person more that happened in the ideal world


Good points. Of course there's also the recent example on here of the woman who waited 9 years to have sex and he lost interest as soon as she did. It goes all kinds of ways. There are people who don't feel like having sex with someone once they have become a friend because the role is already established and it starts to feel icky or whatever the reason, which could be the mystery is gone so there's no excitement or any other thing. They could also invest all that time and find out the person is horrible in bed.

But yes obviously for those who want exclusivity from the get-go, all they can control is themselves and for women that pretty much means withholding sex to see if they will still hang around. But what is that equivalent for men? 

And what you said about different groups is certainly true. Last night I was basically thinking of two groups, one who had infrequent social encounters/opportunities and one who was used to staying busy socially, had options, and wouldn't be okay sitting around for a couple of months twiddling their thumbs -- and/or didn't want to get started off on the foot where the new person they don't even know is basically now in a position of being able to object and be suspicious if they even go out with their friends and setting that controlling monitoring precedent should the relationship go forward. It's a legitimate red flag. Many people on here have made the point that they're not going to start off with someone telling them what to do, basically.

No one with a busy social life is going to do that. Someone with nothing else to do is going to do that. So yeah maybe that will be a match for them. But don't expect someone with other options to go for it, and if they do, don't assume they're sincere.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good points. Of course there's also the recent example on here of the woman who waited 9 years to have sex and he lost interest as soon as she did. It goes all kinds of ways. There are people who don't feel like having sex with someone once they have become a friend because the role is already established and it starts to feel icky or whatever the reason, which could be the mystery is gone so there's no excitement or any other thing. They could also invest all that time and find out the person is horrible in bed.
> 
> But yes obviously for those who want exclusivity from the get-go, all they can control is themselves and for women that pretty much means withholding sex to see if they will still hang around. But what is that equivalent for men?
> 
> ...


The equivalent for withholding sex for men is withholding commitment.

everyone Knows what the friendzone is for men. It’s a man that offers up easy commitment to a woman and she accepts it - but never has sex with him in return.

most folks don’t know what the friendzone is for women. That’s when a woman offers up sex to get into a relationship with a man and he accepts, but he never offers commitment in return.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

gaius said:


> That's the thing though. If you let women consume you like that, that you always need a constant supply to feel not disappointed, you often take yourself right out of the running for the really good ones. What high quality woman who knows her worth is going to be impressed by indecisiveness or nonsense when it comes to her?
> 
> If my wife woke up tomorrow and decided she didn't want to be with me anymore I might be single for a month, a year, 5 years, forever even. I'd be fine by myself until I ran across someone else who peaked my interest, as long as that would take. I'd rather masturbate than have no strings sex with some woman I wasn't that into.
> 
> And as far as instincts go, fortune favors the bold.


How am I even supposed to gauge interest from online dating? Again, it's not like organic dating where the chemistry is there and it's strong or when you already know them before dating so they aren't complete strangers who are going to ghost you over 1 bad answer.

Also I've choked my chicken for 6 months after I broke up with my ex, and I would have been content with choking my chicken until someone very attractive organically flirted with me for months on end revving my motor and no amount of chicken choking or porn could satisfy my lust once she got my damn engine running.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Even if I stick to one app, let's say Hinge, they still come in batches. So what do I do with 5 matches? Choose one and unmatch the other 4?


You dint have to talk to and see all of them. Read their profile and see if you want to get to know her further.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> You dint have to talk to and see all of them. Read their profile and see if you want to get to know her further.


So I swipe one at a time? Then wait a month for just the one to swipe back? Really?

So you also really expect people to choose 1 and unmatch the rest from a batch of matches? And then you send first message to the 1, and they ghost 😆

And all the other matches you unmatched who were probably serious about dating you is like WTF 😆

Come on Diana, think about it, that's not going to work.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Diana you're very naive for thinking you can possibly know that when you don't even know them. There are so many people out there who will say whatever it takes. I'm glad you haven't had that experience but plenty of people have.


When I did online dating I used to exchange a lot of emails. Some were rejected from that and a few I went on to meet. 
Yes I have had bad experiences but most of the guys were really nice. I was on Christian sites so I did expect high standards and most had them. 
There were thankfully none of these swiping sites, I would definitely stay off them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> So I swipe one at a time? Then wait a month for just the one to swipe back? Really?
> 
> So you also really expect people to choose 1 and unmatch the rest from a batch of matches? And then you send first message to the 1, and they ghost 😆
> 
> ...


You can do what you want but it wouldn't be for me. Far too complicated.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Maybe it's vocabulary. 

When you know somebody before you decide to get romantic . . . meaning they are a classmate, somebody you see regularly through work or a shared hobby . . . you know, the old-fashioned organic getting to know you process & you two are at least acquainted before you go out alone together for the 1st time, a 1 on 1 exclusive thing makes more sense earlier. 

But if it's a first meet off OLD then having a few meetings -- whether you call them dates or whatever -- is more advisable. Keeping your options open is a good thing. 

By the time you are getting physical, then it is a better idea to talk and at that point I would expect some level of fidelity, not even from an emotional place but a pure health place. Don't be putting that thing in another woman if you also expect to put it in me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> You can do what you want but it wouldn't be for me.


I know, but for those using these swipe apps there are no other options.

We don't have Christian dating sites where the dynamics may be different. It worked for you so yay, but I'm not Christian.

Other dating sites either than the apps I'm using are all scams.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

D0nnivain said:


> Maybe it's vocabulary.
> 
> When you know somebody before you decide to get romantic . . . meaning they are a classmate, somebody you see regularly through work or a shared hobby . . . you know, the old-fashioned organic getting to know you process & you two are at least acquainted before you go out alone together for the 1st time, a 1 on 1 exclusive thing makes more sense earlier.
> 
> ...


Exactly, again the expectations should be different for organic vs online especially with swipe apps.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well you can certainly choose to date one person at a time because you can control yourself and your own actions, but it's presumptuous to think you can control someone's you don't even know.


It's not about control at all, it's about matching mindsets. The fact that you can't understand it, shows you'd never have been compatible with someone who prefers not to multidate. Dating one at a time doesn't mean you're in a relationship or committed. It simply means you're going to see how things go without splitting your attention. 

Personally, I couldn't imagine being able to keep my feelings straight or knowing how to choose between multiple people if I end up liking different things about each of them. It's not about not having options, I had/have many options but still wasn't/am not interested in multi-dating. Maybe people who are ok with multi-dating aren't particularly selective in who they date and they're trying to game the odds to see who's left standing?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Should I make a fourth thread about multi dating in regards to organic vs online dating?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> When I did online dating I used to exchange a lot of emails. Some were rejected from that and a few I went on to meet.
> Yes I have had bad experiences but most of the guys were really nice. I was on Christian sites so I did expect high standards and most had them.
> There were thankfully none of these swiping sites, I would definitely stay off them.


It does make a difference when you can specialize like that. But it's not a total inoculation that rules out jerks. There are actually non-Christian people who visit Christian dating sites. But it's a place to start.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> It's not about control at all, it's about matching mindsets. The fact that you can't understand it, shows you'd never have been compatible with someone who prefers not to multidate. Dating one at a time doesn't mean you're in a relationship or committed. It simply means you're going to see how things go without splitting your attention.
> 
> Personally, I couldn't imagine being able to keep my feelings straight or knowing how to choose between multiple people if I end up liking different things about each of them. It's not about not having options, I had/have many options but still wasn't/am not interested in multi-dating. Maybe people who are ok with multi-dating aren't particularly selective in who they date and they're trying to game the odds to see who's left standing?


But the fact remains that you can't control the other person. You have no idea if they're even telling you the truth or just shining you on about it. You are having blind faith. I'm not saying you don't have a right to try that and I'm not saying it might not work out for you some, but you have no idea who that person is and they could be seeing someone else right along and you wouldn't even know it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Thats the damn thing with the organic encounter I had at work, she didn't even go on dating apps, we could have been exclusively dating and in that instance due to our chemistry prior it the exclusivity could be assumed.
> 
> Online though with all these strangers it's just too much and too unrealistic to assume exclusivity. I wouldn't say all hope is lost in modern times, there's still two camps.
> 
> But organic and online are two different dating styles and the norms of exclusivity should also be considered separately.


With online dating, a person would really have to be willfully having blinders on to think someone they just met is going to take down their profiles on all the dating sites or that they're not on there looking, no matter what they agreed to. Also naive to assume that just because someone is on a dating site means they don't already have non-serious or nonfaithful relationship already going. It looks to me like a lot of people online dating are definitely looking to trade up. 

I don't see how anyone who has been around t a m for very long can even say it with a straight face. At least half the people on here were cheated on and that's after they knew someone and thought they had a loving relationship. There have always been new members coming on here saying how they're dating someone who agreed to take down their profiles and then someone found one still up and still chatting. This goes on all the time. Anyone on this forum who thinks it doesn't has their head in the sand or isn't reading much. 

Certainly most young people go into it idealistically and giving the benefit of the doubt and believe everything someone tells them, until they are betrayed. People want to believe, and I get that.

It's fine and good to let someone you just met know you like to date one person at a time. Just don't expect them to say anything in response that they know you wouldn't like to hear.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But the fact remains that you can't control the other person. You have no idea if they're even telling you the truth or just shining you on about it. You are having blind faith. I'm not saying you don't have a right to try that and I'm not saying it might not work out for you some, but you have no idea who that person is and they could be seeing someone else right along and you wouldn't even know it.


There are no guarantees in life. You can know someone for a really long time and never know if they're lying if they're good enough. Case in point... my 20 yr relationship that ended in cheating. Life is a risk, I'm not afraid to live mine.

All you can do is pay attention and be willing to act when things don't add up.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> So I swipe one at a time? Then wait a month for just the one to swipe back? Really?
> 
> So you also really expect people to choose 1 and unmatch the rest from a batch of matches? And then you send first message to the 1, and they ghost 😆
> 
> ...


From a business point of view you need to get as many clients coming through your door and testing the shop goods 



RandomDude said:


> I know, but for those using these swipe apps there are no other options.
> 
> We don't have Christian dating sites where the dynamics may be different. It worked for you so yay, but I'm not Christian.
> 
> Other dating sites either than the apps I'm using are all scams.


Christian dating sites for me is no guarantee, 
you do know us Christians believe in confession, sow wild oats on Saturday night and pray Sunday morning for the crop to fail 

Christians are often the best sinners or the biggest


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> From a business point of view you need to get as many clients coming through your door and testing the shop goods


Not even about getting as many people through your door at this point, the alternative is just ridicolous 



DownByTheRiver said:


> It does make a difference when you can specialize like that. But it's not a total inoculation that rules out jerks. *There are actually non-Christian people who visit Christian dating sites.* But it's a place to start.


Why on earth would they do that? I filter out Christians having divorced one lol 

They need to find someone who believes as they do, period.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But the fact remains that you can't control the other person. You have no idea if they're even telling you the truth or just shining you on about it. You are having blind faith. I'm not saying you don't have a right to try that and I'm not saying it might not work out for you some, but you have no idea who that person is and they could be seeing someone else right along and you wouldn't even know it.


By that argument you have blind faith in everything. You can't control if your spouse cheats and they may be cheating right under your nose.

You can't control if they spend money, hide it, and lie about it.

That doesn't mean you have to be ok with it if you find out. We're all allowed to have boundaries.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I must admit though, church is like a hotspot for beautiful women. When I was younger going to church was like dropping a wolf amidst a flock of sheep.

Why go on christian dating sites if you want a Christian girl, hell, churchhop!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When I met my bf we spent 3 months talking and hanging out, nobody else in the picture, before we had sex. Now we're 3 1/2 years in and very happy and I think that was a good decision. 

If we had gone our separate ways it would've been because we weren't working, not because one of us thought someone else might be better.

I can understand the OLD thing where you might initially have coffee with a few people but I feel like if you don't focus on one pretty quickly you aren't truly evaluating them on their own merits. There's always an element of comparison and you wonder if you can do better. I don't think that's good if you're looking for something long term.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Not even about getting as many people through your door at this point, the alternative is just ridicolous
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There are people in real life who go to church just to meet women or socialize. Just saying it's not all devotees, but at least open to it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> By that argument you have blind faith in everything. You can't control if your spouse cheats and they may be cheating right under your nose.
> 
> You can't control if they spend money, hide it, and lie about it.
> 
> That doesn't mean you have to be ok with it if you find out. We're all allowed to have boundaries.


Gosh, nowhere did I even HINT that you have to be okay with it if you find out or that you shouldn't have boundaries. Where did that come from?? I just said you can't take a stranger's word that they'll be exclusive, so what's the point of asking for it?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are people in real life who go to church just to meet women or socialize. Just saying it's not all devotees, but at least open to it.


Yup that's how I met my ex-wife  After divorce though I'm like, nope, not doing that again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Gosh, nowhere did I even HINT that you have to be okay with it if you find out or that you shouldn't have boundaries. Where did that come from?? I just said you can't take a stranger's word that they'll be exclusive, so what's the point of asking for it?


Then I misunderstood and stand corrected.

But I don't agree that you shouldn't make your boundaries clear, although I wouldn't personally ask for anything. I prefer to sit back and watch because people reveal who they are.

However, if we're going to have sex you best believe I'm making boundaries clear. I don't wish to be exposed to anything so I don't want questions about expectations. I'd still say that anyone can lie about anything but that doesn’t mean you shouldn't state where you stand. Nobody's playing dumb with me and pretending they didn't know.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Then I misunderstood and stand corrected.
> 
> But I don't agree that you shouldn't make your boundaries clear, although I wouldn't personally ask for anything. *I prefer to sit back and watch because people reveal who they are.*
> 
> However, if we're going to have sex you best believe I'm making boundaries clear. I don't wish to be exposed to anything so I don't want questions about expectations. I'd still say that anyone can lie about anything but that doesn’t mean you shouldn't state where you stand. Nobody's playing dumb with me and pretending they didn't know.


Yes, I agree. Just not with a stranger. I'd save that discussion for someone you know might be worthy of you being exclusive to them. You can never know for sure, of course.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are people in real life who go to church just to meet women or socialize. Just saying it's not all devotees, but at least open to it.


 don't tell everyone , and the confession box was not a good place to get info on who was the bad girls in town


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> don't tell everyone , and the confession box was not a good place to get info on who was the bad girls in town


Now that's something I haven't tried, doing it in a confession booth


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I just find it funny that the majority of people participating in this thread are married and haven’t had a first date in decades 😂


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> I just find it funny that the majority of people participating in this thread are married and haven’t had a first date in decades 😂


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> don't tell everyone , and the confession box was not a good place to get info on who was the bad girls in town


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RebuildingMe said:


> I just find it funny that the majority of people participating in this thread are married and haven’t had a first date in decades 😂


I participated in this and also laughed with your comment. You’re absolutely right. Plus many who haven’t had experience with online dating too; and which is different to other scenarios mentioned in these threads of meeting others.

Still, there are also posters here that contribute who have never been married or …insert variety of experiences and lack of… that many of us, myself included, who offer thoughts regardless. Welcome to the internet!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, me too. Maybe this is a UK/US difference, but I really don't get this thing of dating multiple people. Can't you make your mind up? As far as I'm concerned, dating even one person is time consuming and financially expensive, so I'm either interested enough to be exclusive (for now), or else not interested enough for a second date. And the same for the woman. If she's not interested enough in me to want exclusivity, then next.


Not a UK/US thing. I am a monogamous dater. One at a time. All my attention went to the one I was dating. If I started dating another, I never would have went back to prior. I expected same in return. 

If I was dating a girl and found out she had went out with other dudes after, we can be friends but nothing more afterward. I am one that loyalty and honor are paramount and of utmost importance. 

When in HS, there was a girl that me and buddy were friendly with and hung out at her house. I warned her about him and what he does to girls. I liked the girl and would have taken a relationship her seriously. She went there with my pump and dump buddy....then he ghosted her. She complained about him and later said to me, "So, when are we gonna go out?" Um.... we ain't! I would not let my German Shepherd mount anyone after my buddy had sex with them.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> I participated in this and also laughed with your comment. You’re absolutely right. Plus many who haven’t had experience with online dating too; and which is different to other scenarios mentioned in these threads of meeting others.
> 
> Still, there are also posters here that contribute who have never been married or …insert variety of experiences and lack of… that many of us, myself included, who offer thoughts regardless. Welcome to the internet!


Oh yes, nothing wrong with it at all. I just was thinking it to myself and it made me laugh. Everyone’s opinions are valid. It’s what make this site so good for banter!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You stop looking when you find the right person. Simple and normal.


But that person may not be finished dating others....then where are you. Gonna wait for them to quit riding the 🎠 or spinning plates?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> I am one of those who needs immediate chemistry. I am a visceral person. Upon meeting a new man, I either thought _I'd date him_ or I barely noticed the guy. When the guy opened his mouth that is what I knew whether I would go on a date with him but it would take a few dates for me to figure out if this was going to be more than a bit of fun. I rarely wanted to have a conversation about exclusivity before the one month mark because i preferred to sit back, watch & observe both him & my reactions to him.


Kinda hard to do all that while at the same time busy with all these other dudes you are dating.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> The question involves reading between the lines quite a bit. Are they just meaning they are wanting to date one person at a time to give a fair shake in seeing if they are a good fit or not?
> 
> Or are they really meaning they are wanting some kind future commitment of marriage and permanency?
> 
> ...


1st paragraph is spot on. If the one I was dating wanted to date around I would remove myself from her options. As in my mind she would be seen as someone just out for a good time and no longer worthy of me investing my time in.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Bars and nightclubs are for youngsters though…


Wut?

Pretty much every time I go to a bar there is at least one woman there where I think I could have a decent shot with including the bartender. Sometimes they will flirt with me even with my wife there.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I agree.
> 
> Here's a question I'd like the answer to: next time a woman uses the term soul mate with you, ask her how many other people she's used that term to describe in her life, haaaa! I'd love to know the response. I'd do it, but not many men use the term so I haven't had the opportunity to ask that.


My wife is only one I use that term with. References the level of connection we have to each other. 

Some times I think my wife is telepathic... she can read me like a book.
Same way we always speak what the other is thinking before they can say it. 
We were opposites in abilities, personalities, childhoods and even physical attributes. 
Together we are a perfect complete team in unison.

We had prayed for each other, both sick and tired of opposite sex and ready to give up. First night I met her and her parents at the lake( I was a Park Ranger) after I left, her dad told her mom, that boy is gonna be your son in law. Her parents worked with my dad. She looked up my number and called me. 

There are several other instances that shows God's hands in our situation.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Honestly, it may be laziness or busyness on my part. I'm not looking at dating _at all_ at the moment for those two reasons. If I was dating, I'd date that person until they rule themselves out in some way.
> 
> And conversely, if a woman has had a date with me, and still wants to go looking for other people, I'm going to suspect she just likes dating; which is not the kind of partner I want.
> 
> But I also stand by what I said before, I think there is a UK/US cultural difference on this also.


Nope..I'm right there with you on dating.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

One time I went on a first date with a really cute bartender. It was a nice date, we had a good time. He told me that dating lots of different people was a good way to learn about yourself, that it was fun and you made lots of friends and stayed busy... he was nice but I could tell that if we went on a second, third, fifth, hundredth date... I would never mean anything to him, never be the only person he was seeing, he wasn't interested in settling down or having a relationship, he just wanted... playmates. I mean, that's fine, I think he was being really honest with me and telling me the truth, which is way better than the ones who lied about it. He didn't specifically say "I'm going to date lots of women, you are just one of many," but he did tell me in kinder, gentler words that there was no chance I'd be more than an occasional diversion. I didn't accept a second date. We weren't on the same page. He was a nice person, just not for me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My feeling is it's a safety issue. I mean, anyone can keep it together to write some nice persuasive messages and then behave themselves on a first date, but it takes a lot longer than that to be sure they're not
> View attachment 89310
> 
> 
> ...


Good morning.......Clarice!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Good morning.......Clarice!


(Shudder)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> One time I went on a first date with a really cute bartender. It was a nice date, we had a good time. *He told me that dating lots of different people was a good way to learn about yourself*, that it was fun and you made lots of friends and stayed busy... he was nice but I could tell that if we went on a second, third, fifth, hundredth date... I would never mean anything to him, never be the only person he was seeing, he wasn't interested in settling down or having a relationship, he just wanted... playmates. I mean, that's fine, I think he was being really honest with me and telling me the truth, which is way better than the ones who lied about it. He didn't specifically say "I'm going to date lots of women, you are just one of many," but he did tell me in kinder, gentler words that there was no chance I'd be more than an occasional diversion. I didn't accept a second date. We weren't on the same page. He was a nice person, just not for me.


It's true, it helps you find yourself after a breakup.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What happens is they simply mature and maturity usually means change. You start knowing what you want to do and forming better plans, and you often grow apart. A whole lot of my Dallas gang divorced between 25 and 30. Fortunately, all but one didn't have kids yet.


Down by the River??? That in reference to the Trinity River?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Down by the River??? That in reference to the Trinity River?


No. I love rivers, but that one isn't the greatest. It's also a favorite song.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Not a chance. If someone even suggested as much after a first date I would assume they were batsh*t crazy. I also think that asking for or offering exclusivity is nearly meaningless these days. 

I think the best way to handle this sort of thing is to keep your mouth shut about exclusivity, who else you or your date might be seeing, etc. Just keep seeing someone and pay attention to how things are going. If you feel like you're being treated like one option out of many then you are likely correct. If the person you are dating always has time for you and is treating you like they want to progress things, that is pretty obvious too.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> This.
> 
> You talk with someone and you go out with them and you’re like, “Meh… maybe? Let me see who else is out there and just in case will keep stringing this one along.”
> 
> Doesn’t sound great to me. Rather just be NOPE and then onto the next one.


All the talk about this subject reminds me of Mambo #5

A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita is all I need
A little bit of Tina is what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica, here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> No. I love rivers, but that one isn't the greatest. It's also a favorite song.


Wondering after mentioning Dallas gang. I used to go to the metroplex monthly to attend the North Texas Violent Gang Task Force meetings when I worked for TDCJ.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> (Shudder)


Had an Officer that helped train me, it would freak her out when I would stick my head in her door behind her and say, "I like biscuits and mustard, uh huh" in my best Billy Bob Thornton voice.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> Not a chance. If someone even suggested as much after a first date I would assume they were batsh*t crazy. I also think that asking for or offering exclusivity is nearly meaningless these days.
> 
> I think the best way to handle this sort of thing is to keep your mouth shut about exclusivity, who else you or your date might be seeing, etc. Just keep seeing someone and pay attention to how things are going. If you feel like you're being treated like one option out of many then you are likely correct. *If the person you are dating always has time for you and is treating you like they want to progress things, that is pretty obvious too.*


Yes, but you may be surprised. Me and one of my past dates multi-dated but after we became friends and shared about it we were laughing because we fooled each other.

We did talk about being able to see other people by date 3, so we knew we weren't exclusive, I assumed it anyway - but we had no idea we were both exercising our freedoms lol  That's when she was like "are we just good at making each other feel like the only ones"? lol

I'd say always assume non-exclusivity until mentioned otherwise, and even then you can't really trust it early on like you said.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> On that I agree. You should get to know them.
> 
> And if in so doing you find that they are lying or cheating or someone is violating an agreement, you should stop dating them.


I would be asking why one is sitting at home, if you are dating the person, you will be out with them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

_"Single guys and gals, would you let a woman you had one date with tell you that you can't date other women? And __reverse the gender too, of course."_

"Let"? I have no control over what another person says. I think the question is would I agree to what they wanted? No, not with one date. I'd tell them that I'd need to get to know them better and if we are still dating in 3 months or so we can talk about it. They could accept or reject my choice in this.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Because folks either dated organically or in your case through Christian dating sites not swipe apps where matches come in batches.


What the hell is "Organically" it seems to be the flash word of the day.

I hear "organic" and 1st thing that comes to mind is fertalizer, around here that means horse ****! If people are meaning "naturally" then say naturally. Otherwise it is like all these youngsters have learned a new word and they are so excited to tell everyone the new word they learned.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Divinely Favored said:


> What the hell is "Organically" it seems to be the flash word of the day.
> 
> I hear "organic" and 1st thing that comes to mind is fertalizer, around here that means horse ****! If people are meaning "naturally" then say naturally. Otherwise it is like all these youngsters have learned a new word and they are so excited to tell everyone the new word they learned.


It means naturally without deliberately looking or the use of online dating apps.

Naturally/organically whatever, means the same sh-t.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LATERILUS79 said:


> The equivalent for withholding sex for men is withholding commitment.
> 
> everyone Knows what the friendzone is for men. It’s a man that offers up easy commitment to a woman and she accepts it - but never has sex with him in return.
> 
> most folks don’t know what the friendzone is for women. That’s when a woman offers up sex to get into a relationship with a man and he accepts, but he never offers commitment in return.


Called the Good Time Gal.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Wondering after mentioning Dallas gang. I used to go to the metroplex monthly to attend the North Texas Violent Gang Task Force meetings when I worked for TDCJ.


Oh, cool! Yeah I live in Dallas. It doesn't have very good water features.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Had an Officer that helped train me, it would freak her out when I would stick my head in her door behind her and say, "I like biscuits and mustard, uh huh" in my best Billy Bob Thornton voice.


I think you have to have dark humor to be in that job.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are people in real life who go to church just to meet women or socialize. Just saying it's not all devotees, but at least open to it.


Those usually get weeded out pretty quick in our church. Not much time for socializing when your at the alters getting your praise on! I've been to a church though that it was more about social club.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, cool! Yeah I live in Dallas. It doesn't have very good water features.


I drove to Paris daily to work for 22.5 yrs. 42 miles a day one way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are people in real life who go to church just to meet women or socialize. Just saying it's not all devotees, but at least open to it.


A lot of churches, especially larger ones, have singles groups especially for people who are looking to date seriously (looking for marriage, men and women). It went horribly for me, but I know a LOT of people who met this way and did fine.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Divinely Favored said:


> Those usually get weeded out pretty quick in our church. Not much time for socializing when your at the alters getting your praise on! I've been to a church though that it was more about social club.


Only needed one visit, ha! 😋😆


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Those usually get weeded out pretty quick in our church. Not much time for socializing when your at the alters getting your praise on! I've been to a church though that it was more about social club.


That seems to be a growing trend. Honestly it's always been kind of that way in a lot of the black churches in our area, really a big social center. And I have a church up the street that seems to be that way but I think they're being torn down for some more apartments. They got huge.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> I drove to Paris daily to work for 22.5 yrs. 42 miles a day one way.


That's quite a drive!


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> What the hell is "Organically" it seems to be the flash word of the day.
> 
> I hear "organic" and 1st thing that comes to mind is fertalizer, around here that means horse ****! If people are meaning "naturally" then say naturally. Otherwise it is like all these youngsters have learned a new word and they are so excited to tell everyone the new word they learned.


Considering my line of work, I can't stand it when words are stolen from the scientific community and then adapted into normal everyday vernacular. I remember when I first heard someone say something was organic. It was with food. It confused the hell out of me. I said, "sure. Yes all food is organic." They said "no, this food over here was made using fertilizers and other chemicals, this food wasn't so it's organic." I then said, "ummmmm.... just because food was made with fertilizers doesn't mean it no longer contains the element of carbon. Just burn it. You'll see it."

They had no idea what I was talking about. I then had to explain that the word organic means "compounds that contain the element of carbon". I don't know how that word transferred over to meaning "natural" whatever natural means. 

Multiple other words like this. Volatile is another. 

Sorry about the thread jack. I should probably not let this get to me so much. 🤣


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Now that's something I haven't tried, doing it in a confession booth


 you get the hottest tips all week , 


RebuildingMe said:


> I just find it funny that the majority of people participating in this thread are married and haven’t had a first date in decades 😂


 yes we must be the once that know how to make a first date work ,✌


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> But that person may not be finished dating others....then where are you. Gonna wait for them to quit riding the 🎠 or spinning plates?


I'm meaning if all seems good, and the relationship goes some months, if both seriously want to get a little more towards checking out how things might go. Not in blind trust.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Considering my line of work, I can't stand it when words are stolen from the scientific community and then adapted into normal everyday vernacular. I remember when I first heard someone say something was organic. It was with food. It confused the hell out of me. I said, "sure. Yes all food is organic." They said "no, this food over here was made using fertilizers and other chemicals, this food wasn't so it's organic." I then said, "ummmmm.... just because food was made with fertilizers doesn't mean it no longer contains the element of carbon. Just burn it. You'll see it."
> 
> They had no idea what I was talking about. I then had to explain that the word organic means "compounds that contain the element of carbon". I don't know how that word transferred over to meaning "natural" whatever natural means.
> 
> ...


Like those idiots in DC talking about assault rifle/weapon .. they don't even know the definition of one. Or that governor in NY talking about AOW(any other weapon) like they were invented to get around gun laws....AOWs are strictly regulated by the ATF just like machine guns are. But they don't learn what AOW or AR/AW means and just want to use the new word and run their head... They think they sound intelligent but it proves otherwise.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Considering my line of work, I can't stand it when words are stolen from the scientific community and then adapted into normal everyday vernacular. I remember when I first heard someone say something was organic. It was with food. It confused the hell out of me. I said, "sure. Yes all food is organic." They said "no, this food over here was made using fertilizers and other chemicals, this food wasn't so it's organic." I then said, "ummmmm.... just because food was made with fertilizers doesn't mean it no longer contains the element of carbon. Just burn it. You'll see it."
> 
> They had no idea what I was talking about. I then had to explain that the word organic means "compounds that contain the element of carbon". I don't know how that word transferred over to meaning "natural" whatever natural means.
> 
> ...


The fertalizer can be organic or not, but the food is always organic. They transferred the word from grown organically onto the plant itself, not knowing where the term comes from.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> How am I even supposed to gauge interest from online dating? Again, it's not like organic dating where the chemistry is there and it's strong or when you already know them before dating so they aren't complete strangers who are going to ghost you over 1 bad answer.
> 
> Also I've choked my chicken for 6 months after I broke up with my ex, and I would have been content with choking my chicken until someone very attractive organically flirted with me for months on end revving my motor and no amount of chicken choking or porn could satisfy my lust once she got my damn engine running.


Maybe it's a disconnect but I could sense chemistry over the phone. When the conversation just flows, hours fly by and they feel like minutes. Even writing back and forth online sometimes. If they're ghosting you after one answer that's bad chemistry.

Plus "answer" would imply there's a lot of questions being asked back and forth which makes for bad conversation and chemistry anyway. If you're sending lots of answers instead of replies it's probably going nowhere.

When I was waiting for my wife to show up for our first date I wasn't stressed or nervous because I already knew from our phone and online interactions I was into her. I was in full on courting mode. No indecisiveness whatsoever. The only question was whether or not she'd find me acceptable in person and I wasn't taking that personally anymore so it was a fun wait.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

gaius said:


> Maybe it's a disconnect but I could sense chemistry over the phone. When the conversation just flows, hours fly by and they feel like minutes. Even writing back and forth online sometimes. If they're ghosting you after one answer that's bad chemistry.
> 
> Plus "answer" would imply there's a lot of questions being asked back and forth which makes for bad conversation and chemistry anyway. If you're sending lots of answers instead of replies it's probably going nowhere.
> 
> When I was waiting for my wife to show up for our first date I wasn't stressed or nervous because I already knew from our phone and online interactions I was into her. I was in full on courting mode. No indecisiveness whatsoever. The only question was whether or not she'd find me acceptable in person and I wasn't taking that personally anymore so it was a fun wait.


Perhaps you got lucky, I no longer have faith in gauging chemistry before the first meet. I've had perceived higher and lower with different people but that chemistry doesn't mean the other person is even ready or looking for a physical relationship.

Have two flakers in a row now, first one where the conversation flowed like you mentioned, heavy flirting, pics videos and pet names. Excitement in meeting up until the last minutes. 

Second one was more obviously flaky, and ended up being honest about it that it's her problem, that was this morning. She even shared stories of other guys she flaked on. 🙄

Both simply more war stories for ya all in the trenches of online dating. NEVER put your eggs in one basket with online dating. That's just ridiculous.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Perhaps you got lucky, I no longer have faith in gauging chemistry before the first meet. I've had perceived higher and lower with different people but that chemistry doesn't mean the other person is even ready or looking for a physical relationship.
> 
> Have two flakers in a row now, first one where the conversation flowed like you mentioned, heavy flirting, pics videos and pet names. Excitement in meeting up until the last minutes.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's an issue of luck really. I think you're under the impression that dating is just an exercise in finding the right person for you. That every pot has a lid. But there's more to it than that.

You seem to gravitate toward these more aggressive women, who are flirtatious and really into it fairly quickly. Who stroke your ego. That's who you feel chemistry with. But those women aren't being genuine. They're engaging in stripper like behavior. And they don't value or develop deep attraction for men who play into it. Like strippers and customers.

Just for some added context, my wife and I were in different states and talked for 3-4 months before we met in person and she was not immediately affectionate with me. Despite our obvious chemistry she wanted to be friends at first. I only earned her flirtation through relentless pursuit. Something you've said you're extremely hesitant to engage in Random. 

But that's the kind of thing women value and you have to be aware that you're providing them something of real value. It would be nice if I could just show up and be me, however I feel like being, and women everywhere would drop their panties and leap into bed (not that I would take any of them up on it since I'm married to the woman of my dreams ), but that's not how it really works for any of us.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

gaius said:


> I don't think it's an issue of luck really. I think you're under the impression that dating is just an exercise in finding the right person for you. That every pot has a lid. But there's more to it than that.


It is luck, you found someone with chemistry and married her. Not everyone finds that, and not everyone should put their faith in what they think is chemistry before they meet. Maybe your intuition and sixth sense is better than the rest of us who knows, but I failed to discern it in one of my recent flakes.



> You seem to gravitate toward these more aggressive women, who are flirtatious and really into it fairly quickly. Who stroke your ego. That's who you feel chemistry with. But those women aren't being genuine. They're engaging in stripper like behavior. And they don't value or develop deep attraction for men who play into it. Like strippers and customers.


The only aggressive and flirty woman I put up with was an organic encounter 6 months ago and I resisted her for 2 months even though she was very seductive. She's far from the only one I ever felt chemistry with and even with her it was pure sexual chemistry and nothing else.



> Just for some added context, my wife and I were in different states and talked for 3-4 months before we met in person and she was not immediately affectionate with me. Despite our obvious chemistry she wanted to be friends at first. I only earned her flirtation through relentless pursuit. Something you've said you're extremely hesitant to engage in Random.
> 
> But that's the kind of thing women value and you have to be aware that you're providing them something of real value. It would be nice if I could just show up and be me, however I feel like being, and women everywhere would drop their panties and leap into bed (not that I would take any of them up on it since I'm married to the woman of my dreams ), but that's not how it really works for any of us.


3-4 months and not driving distance? Well yeah of course I'll be hesitant lol. Heck no meet up these days and she is either a flake or a scammer. Online dating is fked these days. Not that it was any better back in the day anyway.

I only scored one home run, who's one of few who have been straight up with me, the rest I haven't even reached first base even after 5 dates. I can be patient but there needs to be consistent progress, "friends" first sure whatever. But once the momentum is gone I don't see the point sticking around when there is no chemistry, then it's "just friends" and that's for good.

Also I don't chase, two steps forward and that's it. If she ain't dancing I'm walking away. If she wants a chaser sure, but I'm not one.


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## Peanutbutter (Jul 21, 2011)

No, sounds like that would be a little controlling of them, no? I mean how well can you know a person after just one date?! That's a pretty serious decision to make based on just one meeting, regardless of how well it went.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If, after one date, the woman says if you want to a second date, would you let her tell you that you can't see other women? You've only had the one date, and don't know her well yet.
> 
> And reverse the gender, women, would you let a one date guy tell you the same?


He'll no


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