# I'm the one with depression...



## Mildly Lost (Jun 29, 2011)

My wife and I got married almost 2 years ago at age 22, and it was pretty spur of the moment. we had only known each other for 2.5 months when we married. at the time, we were happy, and life was pretty good. We moved in together after and we both had jobs. 
But things changed, and I got depressed again (I've been mildly bipolar since I was 14) and quit my job. 
Now she works for the both of us, and i've been jobless for about a year. 
I'm very depressed right now, and even though it might get better again at some point, I almost feel like giving up on us.
As time goes on, we're discovering that we're both different people than who we thought, and have different values in many areas (religion, politics, how to raise kids) and this is sort of pushing my depression a little.
we still love each other very much though. 
I'm sure she's getting tired of me not having a job, because we're sort of going through some financial difficulties right now, and I would be tired too if i were her. 
sometimes i just wish i could be alone again, and that i could live with my parents again (i'm sure they'd accept me if that were the case), and just slowly get my life back on track, and not feel rushed to do it. Im the kind of person who gets crushed under pressure, especially if im depressed. I hate troubling my wife with all my problems, and i feel like im pulling her down with me. I think shes depressed too because we moved to NY where neither of us have family or any history. I make friends easily so i have a few, but she likes to keep to herself. i think she misses her social life and family, and i miss mine too, because i rarely do things with the friends I made. I also miss having dreams of traveling and experiencing the world and miss being able to eat alone and wonder about life. I didnt know it would be this hard to do things when youre married. Call me foolish 
I just dont have the energy to want to fix things.

we kind of stopped having sex too if that means anything. 

I just feel so stuck right now. In a way, i feel like were both chained down to our love for each other, which makes life very difficult. we at least dont have any kids right now though.
Part of me regrets us, and thinks we jumped the gun by getting married, but the other wants to stay together.

anyone ever been in a similar position, where _youre_ the one thats depressed, and unwilling to change?
I just need some input about this.

thanks guys.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

If you are supposed to be on meds, are you taking them? THat is key. 

Are you seeing a counselor for your bi-polar? Has she said anything about wanting out? 

Make sure you keep using birth control until you work this out and it has been good and steady for a few YEARS. You are so young. You have LOTS of time to have kids. 

I would def get to a counselor, tell your family and her what you are going through, and don't resist meds. Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've been dealing with this ailment since you were 14. I'm not diagnosed with depression and bi-polar but my wife is. You know you're in a funk and you'll eventually be in a better place. Leaving your wife, moving in with your parents isn't going to cure you because you have a medical problem, not a geography problem. You have a difficult, challenging disorder and it's going to be hard to deal with every now and then, just as if you had diabetes or a heart condition. Take your meds as prescribed, keep your doctors' appointments, avoid triggers if you can, get sufficient sleep if you can, make yourself do some regular exercise. Your depression existed before you got married. It's not your wife's fault. Even though you're not at your best right now, you've got it together enough to remind your wife how much you love her and need her. She's obviously patient, but she's still human. There's no point in feeling guilty. You didn't ask for your condition. It occasionally steals your peace. It stole at least one job. Don't let it steal your relationships, too. You can get another job but a good woman is hard to replace.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mildly Lost said:


> In a way, i feel like were both chained down to our love for each other, which makes life very difficult.


That is such a good way of putting it. I've been struggling with this for a few years now. I feel like my H and I are holding each other back, making each other miserable, and in a weird way its because we love each other. He was gone for a couple of weeks on a trip and at first i felt really empty and I thought it was because I missed him but then i realized it was because my life is really empty and i am using him to try and cover up that feeling. With him around its so hard to get my life going and i think he feels the same way. I still have no idea why. 

I don't know what to do about it either. Wish I could give you some advice but im sort of stuck in a similar situation. Right now I've decided to stay because i've suffered from bots of depression before and part of me thinks this is just another phase. Maybe i can get out of it and not lose my marriage. Who knows. One day at a time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Depression is normally a matter of brain chemistry. As that happens between one's own ears, it's not a matter of geography or marital status. Wherever you go, married, separated, or single, you'll have to take your brain with you.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

This makes perfect sense to me. You were probably in the manic stage when you rushed to get married and now you've realized you probably screwed up. My sister is bipolar and she has made many quick, rash decisions that she regrets.

Are you on meds? In counseling? Do you want help or are you content where you are? Why would your parents enable you? Is that their pattern? Who doesn't dream of running home to their parents house at some point but that isn't the answer. Growing up sucks but most everyone has to do it at some point.


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## Mildly Lost (Jun 29, 2011)

Thanks for the replies everyone. It's really great to get input on this.

I am currently on both bipolar and depression meds (Lithium, Cymbalta) that definitely worked great for the first year I took them. I see my therapist about once every two weeks. I personally don't feel like therapy does much for me, but he also prescribes my meds. When I told him I got married, I think he knew that it was a decision made in a hypomanic episode, and he doesn't say it, but he probably frowns upon it. I remember saying to all the naysayers of our marriage, "I think it'll work out, but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out." I now know that it's just not that easy, because of our blossomed love.
We've evolved so much as a couple (for the better mostly, but in some cases for the worse), but on an individual level, we've regressed. I think we're both more depressed than we were before marriage. It is true that my mind is indeed my mind, and I'll take that wherever I go, but environment is also a determinant factor in happiness. 

That being said, we still love each other very much, and it's very hard to say whether or not we'd be happy without each other in the long run. I know we'd both be devastated for a while, but on which side would the grass ultimately be greener? I guess that's something nobody knows. 
I've talked about a small amount of this with her recently, but I think that's a subject that she is and always will be keen on avoiding, so we barely went into any depth. 

And it's not necessarily that I would want to live WITH my parents, I'd just like to once again be involved with my family. I'm very family-oriented, and she happens not to be, and usually feels uncomfortable around my family and how close we are to each other. Also, contrary to what I'd thought about myself before we got married, I am very people-oriented as well. I need to be going out with friends, or just hanging out with them at one of our houses. Since she's made no friends since we moved to New York, and has no real desire to make any or contact her old ones back in Michigan, I end up feeling guilty every time I hang out with one of mine. It would be fantastic if she made some friends, maybe ones that we both want to hang out with (she doesn't really want to hang out with mine), but she has no desire to. It's tough.

I'd just like to go back to a time where I only had to worry about managing myself, because even that I could barely do. She's much more mature than me when it comes to working hard and going places in life. I know I have to mature eventually, but I just don't think I'm close to that yet, and forcing me to will only make me dig my hole deeper.

I feel so guilty writing this, because I love her very much and she loves me too, and for the most part she only has a vague idea of how I'm feeling about us. If I told her even half of the things I wrote in this post, I'm pretty sure she would be extremely(!) distraught. It's quite a dilemma.

Oh and Blanca, I know this is cliche, but I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in this situation.


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## Mildly Lost (Jun 29, 2011)

I feel like my whole marriage is a guilt trip. I'm just a bad husband and I know it, and she knows it but loves me so much that it doesn't matter to her, but it matters to me.
I talked about separation with her yesterday morning, and I told her how I missed only having to manage myself (I can barely do that as it is), I miss being sad alone (I know, its weird), and I miss being with my friends and parents. Those are not all the reasons, but it's very hard to get your head together when you're feeling such sadness. Anyway, It didn't go that well.
It just hurts having said we'd be together forever, but wondering whether or not I can actually handle that. 
I just don't want to feel guilty anymore, but at the same time, I'm not ready to change and mature. There is so much obligation that marriage brings that I cannot fulfill. At least not at this point in my life. I just want to go into a cocoon and be by myself for a long while.
I love her so much and this is so hard. I'm just not ready for the world, and I thought I was.


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## realist4005 (Jul 21, 2011)

I would like to start by saying the first step in any situation is taking ownership for your part of the problem.

I too have had the depression impact my marriage. At present we are seperated but hopefull.

As others have pointed out TAKE the MEDS. !

The illness will be there and at times may be overwhelming but you need to give yourself a pat on the back by taking the first step in admitting there is an issue.

The depression seems to be cyclical and I know for me it is a 5-7 year cycle. 

The great news is there are more opportunities for treatment today than ever before.

The desire to "unplug" from life is a common feeling.

YOU must set short term goals. Continue to try and date your wife.
Still let her know u care. LOVE is a choice even though we fooled by the movie industry.

If you wish to keep her still let her know u care !.

I know how the depression ROB's u of your joy.

It is a fight to overcome. CHOICE is the greatest weapon you have in your arsenal .

You have a keeper if she loves you thru this.

KEEP on keeping on.

Be Blessed


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

When we were together, my h was much more social than I was, and he saw it as a flaw in me that I didn't make more of an effort to make friends and do things outside the home. But that is just me. Is she suggesting you stay home with her and not go out with friends, or is that a guilt you are creating for yourself in your own mind? There is nothing wrong with coming here for advice or just to unload; you are trying to save your marriage. We all question ourselves sometimes. If this gives you an outlet you need, and that helps you do what is right for you and hopefully her too, then that's a good thing, right? I like the expression up there "steals your peace." Good choice of words. But hang in there. Wishing you your peace back!


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## usarmy89 (Jul 27, 2011)

Midly lost,

Im somewhat going through what your going through. Im 22 and just got married recently and the marriage is getting a little rocky. But i will say, even though you might not be religious, (doesent matter) just have faith in yourself. Believe in yourself and be confident. Try to start your days off on a good foot get in a routine of doing it. Then focus on her and try to communicate with her and let her know how you feel. If you love each other as much as I love my wife you will try, try and try to make the marriage better. I know I am not a good husband, she knows it to. But i am trying like hell to be one. Another thing I have learned with my wife is compromises give what she likes or thinks a try. Maybe you guys agree on more than what you think? I dont know I am no Doctor but just some advice to give you because it's what I am trying to do.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Mildly Lost said:


> There is so much obligation that marriage brings that I cannot fulfill. At least not at this point in my life. I just want to go into a cocoon and be by myself for a long while.
> I love her so much and this is so hard. I'm just not ready for the world, and I thought I was.


Mildly . . . I was right where you are about 6 years ago. And, the depression was something I thought would get the better of me at some point (I was 41 when diagnosed with major depression. My thoughts . . .

as others said, take the meds. IF they are not working for you any more, ask about others. There are lots to choose from. I'm sure you know, some will adversely affect your sex life - they did for me real quick and I got then chnaged even quicker.

If the therapist isn't helping you, find another. The one I first went with was/is amazing. I've been to MC with my wife (not quite a loser therapist - but the jury's out) and another one she went to was of little help.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Mildly Lost said:


> There is so much obligation that marriage brings that I cannot fulfill. At least not at this point in my life. I just want to go into a cocoon and be by myself for a long while.
> I love her so much and this is so hard. I'm just not ready for the world, and I thought I was.


Mildly . . . I was right where you are about 6 years ago. And, the depression was something I thought would get the better of me at some point (I was 41 when diagnosed with major depression. My thoughts . . .

as others said, take the meds. IF they are not working for you any more, ask about others. There are lots to choose from. I'm sure you know, some will adversely affect your sex life - they did for me real quick and I got then chnaged even quicker.

If the therapist isn't helping you, find another. The one I first went with was/is amazing. I've been to MC with my wife (not quite a loser therapist - but the jury's out) and another one she went to was of little help. Don't settle for second best - this is your well-being at risk.

If you really want to separate, make sure that you are still taking care of yourself. Separation should not be an opportunity for you to sit around feeling sad by yourself. And, I know, this is probably about all you feel like doing.

As for your wife understanding your depression, I don't think my wife ever did or ever will. Good luck


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