# Can't get over the lying



## HowToMoveOn? (Apr 25, 2010)

Hi I'm new to this (forums) but I could really use some help. 

I've been married for 3 years and have lived together for 5, been together for 7.5. We have a 2yr old and a little one on the way. My marriage has had it's ups and downs. And at this point we're down, last week I found out my husband was surfing through craigslist personals. I found out because the last month he hasn't been coming to bed at all. ( not usual). I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I checked the history on our internet browser and found the listings. This is not the first time, he's done this before and one of those times was during my last pregnancy. He has an addictive personality. We had issues with porn, lying, smoking and pot. All things I disagree with and thought we had been on the same page with. Everytime I've been devestated and have been the one who has to come to terms with these issues, and just accept them as normal behaviours. This last time has hurt me beyond repair or at least that's how I feel. My H swares that he was just bored and was curious, and emphasizes that he made sure to look at different cities so that means he had no Intention on connecting. He says he was searching for porn and that he did this while he was waiting for the download. Our family has been involved and his sister said I have to forgive and forget. I realize that in order for my marriage to continue I have to do this but why am I expected to do this imediatley? I feel like he does the wrong and I have to be the one to fix the problem. My H thinks he can say sorry he didn't mean it to hurt me and move on. That's it he's done his part. I live everyday with doubts and hurt and if I try to make him understand how I feel I'm told I'm dwelling on the past and need to get over it. Yesturday he fell asleep on the couch again, and I lost it. All I could see in my head were those personals, he says he just fell asleep watching movie. Which could verywell be true but I don't believe him. He says that's my problem not his. I read some articles on broken trust and they all say the errer must change his actions to show the partner that he can be trusted. Any way I should have freaked out. That was wrong of me, I just can't get through to him, he has no idea what it feels like to be betrayed and lyied to. If he doesn't put effort into this I don't think I can move on. I love him and my daughter to death. The last thing I want in life is to separate or divorce and have our children grow up with a broken family. We both come from familys with strong family foundations and in my heart I feel like this is not worth breaking up a family. But how do I move on? How can I trust him again?
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## ppl (Apr 8, 2010)

same problem with my wife distant and found to be using craigslist. claims it was just to look at porn, she claimed not to know where else to find it. i have no answer for you but will share my thoughts with you. anyone can google whatever you want and get millions of hits for free porn. you almost cannot avoid getting free porn popups when using for legiit purposes. visiting craigs list is about seeing what is available out there. it is not about fantasy or excitement--other than the fantasy of stepping out and doing it. i personally checked ads out and found it to be pathetic ads on it. my wife claimed not to have contacted anyone, if so probably just matter of time before she would get courage up. again i have no answers but viewing personals and craigslist is not about porn but meeting people. good luck


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I've been lied to as well and have had things hidden from me...I've lost almost all trust in my husband as well and it's extremely hard to overcome and regain that trust (mainly because he still won't share passwords with me...if you have nothing to hide...why hide it??).

I'm still working on overcoming it but my mind wanders and I start thinking and of course, I always think the worse. I also trust my gut feelings and they haven't really failed me yet.

I wish I had better answers for you, but I don't, just know that it is difficult and maybe you could try individual counseling for yourself?? I've thought about it and I would probably benefit from it, but it's hard when the liar keeps on lying...


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## HowToMoveOn? (Apr 25, 2010)

Thank you for your reply's. Thank you for reforcing that this is not normal behaviour for a marriage. I was beggining to think this really is my problem. Also wanted to let you know my H read my post yesturday by accident and I think it helped. He said reading it made him realize that he really hurt me, and understands why it's hurt so much, and how hard it is to get over it by myself. We've agreed to work together this time, we'll see where it goes from here.

Tx
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