# loosing connection with spouse



## roger8roger

i'll try to make this brief!
married for 10 years. 2 small kids.
busy. busy. busy.
i feel like my relationship with my wife is sort of disappearing.
it is still friendly and nice, but it is never about "us".
i feel like "us" and "me" are not priorities for her.
i am not overly needy, but i want to feel like she is interested
or i am a priority!
sex has dropped (still once a week, but more "functional" than "fun"). we are more like parenting-partners than a "couple".

i am not sure what to do. i have talked to her several times, but there is not change in the situation.

help.

i want to keep it working.


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## anotherguy

Send her a link to this thread and ask her to respond to it.

I am only half joking. Did you make these points when you talked? Including the 'I want to keep it working' part?

Do you both do 'date night'? If not might be something to consider.

After we were together 15 years and had little kids (Married 10 at that point) - it was a big change. We had all that time prior to really get settled with each otherl with our jobs, financially etc.. and for us it was the right choice... but kids still suddenly changed the equation drastically. You look up and suddenly its a couple years later and you realize you have been on relationship auto-pilot for maybe a bit too long and it starts to show.

You need to take the wheel again and start spending some quality time with the missus - even if its only a couple hours a week - and start reclaiming some of the intimacy (I dont mean sex) that you may have been losing. It happens. It doesnt have to be all serious fancy-dancy candlelight dinner - get the he11 out of the house for a while and go for a walk or go to a movie and share a bucket of popcorn. Go sit at a bar and get appetizers and laugh at how wierd it feels compared to when you were dating. Talk about that time you guys got lost and have a giigle.  Try to have fun. Find another couple and pay them a vist and hang out and play cards or have dinner. do ...SOMETHING... anything.

Married 10 years - you have been drawing on your relationship reserves... time to start putting back into the tank.


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## cheese puff

My wife and I have put the spark back in our marriage. Every night at 9 we set everything aside even the kids. We talk, non sexual touch, I read things to her or watch tv shows with her. We only have sex about once a week but the quality of the sex is very good, the kind of sex that you smile about entire next day. I got a text today from her "can't wait to talk tonight love you so much". If you look back threw my old post you can see we been to the pits and back. We had some huge problems in our marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous

roger8roger said:


> i'll try to make this brief!
> married for 10 years. 2 small kids.
> busy. busy. busy.


 What is causing the BUSY BUSY BUSY... does she work outside the home also, so when you both get home...it becomes "kids" time?

Do you feel there are any *resentment issues* that has sprang over these 10 yrs that one has tried to bury? 



> i feel like my relationship with my wife is sort of disappearing.
> it is still friendly and nice, but it is never about "us".
> i feel like "us" and "me"* are not priorities for her*.
> i am not overly needy, but* i want to feel like she is interested
> or i am a priority!*
> sex has dropped (still once a week, but more "functional" than "fun"). we are more like parenting-partners than a "couple".


... Sounds she is taking you for Granted....putting the children 1st, this so often happens in young marriages...

So often when this happens, we loose site of keeping the "dating" alive... a little " *APATHY*" sets in .......we may not even realize it is happening ......and you both feel the other slowly slipping away..... loosing the emotional connection that you once had ...what was once vibrant, laughing at each others jokes... some of that deeper communication/ connection....couples growing apart by allowing other pursuits, hobbies , our kids to take presidence...



> A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore?
> 
> Apathy, unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.
> 
> *§* It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
> 
> *§ *It happens when couples fill their individual lives with other people, events and interests to the point that the otherness is preferred over togetherness.
> 
> *§* It's when your husband stops chasing after you.
> 
> *§* It's when a couple shares a bed and not much else.
> 
> *§ *It's when you look at him and wonder where your husband went.
> 
> *§* It's when he looks at you, and he is too exhausted to try anymore.
> 
> *§* It's when you no longer grieve when you hear about someone else's divorce, because you personally know how it can happen.


You say things are NICE & friendly...so you never argue with each other / no conflict? 
Conflict is nothing to fear... 

Read this article on healthy communication -  INTERDEPENDENT Communication



roger8roger said:


> i am not sure what to do. i have talked to her several times, but there is not change in the situation.


 So talking hasn't gotten you anywhere.....would you consider yourself a *"NICE GUY*"...do you feel she has lost *RESPECT* for you ?

Just trying to get to *the root* of what is going on ....when communication falls by the wayside, it then becomes about changing behaviors to alert her attention... A thread like this may help you >>


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## Silvr Surfer

In my case, I felt similar, but a deep examination of our day-to-day revealed that I had stopped going out of my way to meet her needs. Thankfully, she is very emotionally intelligent, so when we finally reached a breaking point she was able to verbalize a few things I could do to help her feel loved.

So my suggestion is that if you haven't, you should sit down and raise your concerns in a very non-threatening way. Press for "how I can help you feel more connected to me" rather than "What I need from you is..." Then, throw yourself whole heartedly into meeting her unmet needs. (In my case it was time and effort she wanted, so I started dressing better and staying up late with her.)

If your marriage is like mine, this will work wonders. good luck


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