# Stress and sex drive



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I have struggled with my libido for various physical & mental reasons since the birth of my twins... They are 3 1/2 now. A very stressful situation outside of our marriage has just ended... Could there be a link, and when can I expect to start being unstressed about it? It was going on for about two years... Very mentally draining... It ended two days ago. Thanks for any thoughts...
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## llINDA (Apr 13, 2012)

No boubt that stress can affect your labido, but sex can also be a good outlet for stress. Just make sure you take time for yourself to feel good, a long hot bath, a nice massage, candles, what ever you find relaxing and sex should get better.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

You know I find myself naturally relaxing, just kinda meditating for a few seconds here and there. I just really keep reminding myself its over for good. I want to get my drive back, I really do and there's no other outside influences.. I can finally make sure its not just my past marital problems. I just know I need to give myself time to really let it sink in... And just forget about the past two years!!! It's over..lol.

And I do still find my H sexy! So I know I have some kind of libido lurking at the surface .
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Some exercise can help too, if you've been depriving yourself with all the extra burdens. Maybe go out for walks more often, or get an exercise video and burn off the stress a bit.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Threetimesalady said:


> Hi Cherry: Without a doubt the stress can prey on your emotions...How can you concentrate on life when your mind is someplace else?....Up until nine years ago I had a situation with stress in my life that just about killed me...Finally I was able to throw in the towel and say that is it...No more trying to change the world or get along with you...
> 
> This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...From this situation I have grown...Found a new part of myself and learned to listen to other peoples hurt of life and understand their words as I, too, have lived there...My best advice is to learn to forget what happened...Store it in your mind and don't visit it often...Make it become part of your past that stays your past....And move on...Go back to your yesterdays and live and love like you used to....
> 
> Honey, you can do it...I send you my best wishes...Take care...


Thanks. It's finally over, and I didn't have to do anything about it in the end. 
I need to move past that chapter in my life, you're right. And I guess I don't know what to expect from my feelings.... Any time I'm reminded of the situation, I don't feel like its really gone yet, but it is.. that's what I gotta keep reminding myself . 

It sounds like you had to make a decision in order for your stressful situation to end.... I almost had to. I was losing myself and it was getting close to my having to make a very crucial decision in life, that would've created a whole other level of stress. 

I've been wanting to eliminate all the stresses that are beyond my control.... In the end I didn't have to do anything, it just ended unexpectadly... If I had to make the stresser go away, there wouldve been consequences creating a different stress. 

I use to drink to try and make bad things go away. That wasn't working. So now I'm trying a different approach to see how the next half of my life will transpire 

Thank you for sharing 
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Thanks. It's finally over, and I didn't have to do anything about it in the end.
> I need to move past that chapter in my life, you're right. And I guess I don't know what to expect from my feelings.... Any time I'm reminded of the situation, I don't feel like its really gone yet, but it is.. that's what I gotta keep reminding myself .
> 
> It sounds like you had to make a decision in order for your stressful situation to end.... I almost had to. I was losing myself and it was getting close to my having to make a very crucial decision in life, that would've created a whole other level of stress.
> ...


Hi Cherry ~

Just give it some time and don't give yourself the additional stress of worrying about your drive so much. 

I really ADMIRE how far you have come ... I know that there were some very difficult and scary times with the birth of your twins... and you have come through that. And there was the drinking ... and you have overcome that !

You are an overcomer, my dear! I have faith that you will find your ballast - your center - and it will start to fall in to place for you. After all, I think that for many women, the desire for sex exists a lot up between our ears... and once we get that straightened out and let go of our fears and worries and stress about it, there is simply no stopping us. 

Best wishes.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Thank you Enchantment. It's been pretty rough the past several years. 

One thing that I've tried not to lose sight of is my libido. I don't think my H and I have ever gone without sex at least once a week if I was physically able and we were living under the same roof. I just want to want it. 

I'll get there, I know I need to let things continue on this happy path and things will work itself out 

Thank you again for your kind words and vote of encouragement 
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## realisticallymarried (Apr 15, 2012)

I am a newlywed of just 3 months, and my husband doesn't think we have sex enough. We have sex at least once a week, many times more. But we also eloped and were not able to have a honeymoon because of finances and work. Our wedding trip was 1/2 business 1/2 wedding, and on the trip, we found out we should be moving across the country. 
So the minute we got home from our wedding, we started trying to reroute our life so that we can move across country in a few months. 
I am in graduate school so I am having to completely change programs, and I am moving to a state where life is culturally extremely different than where I grew up. We're moving from West Coast to East Coast. So not only are we going through the stress of just getting married, which is a top 5 stressor, but now we're moving which is another top 5 stressor, and I brought debt into the marriage which stresses me out, and we have a plan to work on paying it off, which is awesome he's so loving about it, but in the mean time, I don't have a job and he's not sure he wants me to have a job out at our new place so I can travel with him as he travels a lot. On top of that, instead of driving to school, I will have to make an hour 1/2 commute by train and bus just to get to school. 
There is a lot of stress going on here and on top of that, my husband is kind of clingy, and desperately trying to understand me which is causing a lot of fights cause by his insecurity whenever he doesn't "understand" me. He told me he doesn't want me to have sex with him when I'm not in the mood. So I don't!! I told him I didn't think that was fair to him, but he told me he didn't want me to pretend. 
Not to mention he's 45, I'm 30, and we've both been married previously. But we're living in the house he shared with his ex wife for 15 years. I don't feel at home here, he knows it, I can't nest here because we're not staying, but I can't nest in our new place because we're not there yet. 
So now we're fighting because he feels I'm cutting him off sexually. I've told him I'm overwhelmed by the stress of everything going on, and on top of that, the constant fighting isn't making me want to have sex either. He's in distress over it and getting mad at me over it which is making me want to have sex EVEN LESS. It's one big headache. I wish he would just relax and give me a break, but he doesn't understand I'm emotionally wired differently than him. Just because I'm not in the mood this week, or for a few days doesn't mean there's a problem. He's wrapped up in we're newlyweds and SHOULD be having sex all the time. I know if we weren't fighting so much, we'd be having sex more, but he can not understand that stress and fights affect me differently. I've explained it and explained it and he still doesn't get it.
He believes if I was single I'd still have the financial stress and probably having sex with whoever I am dating. I keep telling him comparing our reality to a different reality isn't healthy. I'm not with someone else and there's a million reasons why things would be different if I were actually living in a different situation.

I feel like I'm talking to a martian. What do I do?


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