# Serial cheater in their own words..



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

These sound like younger ones (in their 20's or early 30's) but my guess is the mindset extends to older ages and levels of 'maturity'. 

Serial Cheating: cheaters want to give us insight? - Leftos

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jon-harris/2012/11/confessions-of-a-serial-cheater/

"But this part of me — the part that actually enjoys being around this girl and finds her more attractive than you in some ways — I keep that locked away as well so it doesn’t talk to any of the others."

Scary.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A lot of that sounds very similar to my experiences with my ex-husband. I would not describe him as a sociopath, but he's just extremely, deeply, profoundly self-centered. He means no real harm, but also appears to have zero conscious awareness of the concept that things might - even just sometimes - be _not_ about him.

And, yes, as it turned out, he was a serial cheater for our entire relationship. He finally got caught in 2010 in an EA (supposedly). In the face of a polygraph our MC suggested, he finally confessed last year to having cheated numerous times during our marriage and before. I divorced him immediately after finding out he was a serial cheater. 

No, he doesn't really think he did anything wrong. He never meant to leave me for any of the other women. He genuinely, _to his soul_, believed that anything he did when I wasn't around just wasn't any of my business. In fact, he actually blamed me for finding out. If I hadn't, then I wouldn't have been hurt and we would still be "happily" married. It's not that he didn't love me, but that he doesn't think there's anything contradictory in betraying and lying to someone you do love. He was genuinely heartbroken that I left him. 

Dealing with a serial cheater is just really indescribable. It's a very special, very surreal, mindfvck.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

*Re: Re: Serial cheater in their own words..*



staystrong said:


> These sound like younger ones (in their 20's or early 30's) but my guess is the mindset extends to older ages and levels of 'maturity'.
> 
> Serial Cheating: cheaters want to give us insight? - Leftos
> 
> ...


Also known as "compartmentalization". I don't think cheating whether a one-time thing or habitually is akin to psycopathy. Although many times to the betrayed, it does feel like that and psyco/sociopaths do often cheat. Correlation does not equal causation.

This post is yet another search to answer, "why?". That can't always be found, sometimes the cheater doesn't even know why they do what they do and if they figure it out, sometimes not for years later.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Rowan said:


> No, he doesn't really think he did anything wrong. He never meant to leave me for any of the other women. He genuinely, _to his soul_, believed that anything he did when I wasn't around just wasn't any of my business. In fact, he actually blamed me for finding out. If I hadn't, then I wouldn't have been hurt and we would still be "happily" married. It's not that he didn't love me, but that he doesn't think there's anything contradictory in betraying and lying to someone you do love. He was genuinely heartbroken that I left him.


Very similar to what I've heard from my ex, also a serial cheater. I'm responsible for the divorce and ruining his life because I had the nerve to interfere with his private life. The level of self-absorption is rather impressive. Silly me thought his private life would be with his family.


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

This is exactly how my H reacted when I found out! He blamed ME for my pain!!! He left his email open, and yes, I went to 3 years back in April when a woman called me to tell me that they had met on an online dating site and had sex 4 times and then she realized he was married...(talk about denial on my part). He also blame me for our children's pain if we divorced...I realized i was talking to a madman, he was not in his right mind. This time was different though...I wasn't going to be in denial, and if it ended in divorce...so be it. So, he went to therapy, me too, then we did some couples therapy...not enough...but I have to say, 2 years after..he is a changed man...it is almost like the same effort he put in this crazy, crazy double life..he is putting in being the best person, husband, father he can be....I still have flashbacks, pain, I don't know that I will be able to forgive him...but I think I can live with this reality...although I wish it were different. To know that the person you love didn't CARE about your feelings, your safety, that he lied, and hid and cheated, and justified it by belittling and criticizing me every chance he had...yes he changed, but I can't forget...maybe some day, hopefully I will. But it will always hurt, always. Tpday he is proud of being honest, he has peace, integrity, and is caring, sweet, romantic...yet, the pain is there.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

this is a lot simpler than it sounds. Serial cheaters..... just like the kinky sex. sex with the same person over and over, especially if you are a lazy type, can be boring. Sex with someone new is kinky, fun, titillating....you can orgasm stronger/faster. then there are the mind movies a cheater can play of them getting laid while their regular partner is having sex with them. Once again, instead of that boring missionary position sex, you close your eyes and you are screwing your cheating partner again for a minute, and you cum immediately. It self-reinforces. They go out looking for more strange as soon as they can.

It does require some loose morals, weak boundaries. But i dont think you can say they are sociopaths. They just like orgasms more than liking wanting to be a faithful spouse.

It probably does NOT help that our entertainment media is so accomodating to cheaters nowadays. Heck, they even have vibrating dildo ads on TV, with the woman and her windswept hair from the powerful vibrations!:rofl: it makes them feel that "everyone is doing it"--some sort of support mechanism for them.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Imstrong123, I'm very happy for all your family that your fWH has put in the hard work to improve himself.

One thing I do have minor difference of opinion with you is on integrity. For me integrity is like your virginity; you can only lose it once. You can rebuild trust, or prove yourself to be honest again. But integrity? Nah. Once you give it away, it's gone forever.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I did not read them all but simply put they never grew up.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

murphy5 said:


> this is a lot simpler than it sounds. Serial cheaters..... just like the kinky sex. sex with the same person over and over, especially if you are a lazy type, can be boring. Sex with someone new is kinky, fun, titillating....you can orgasm stronger/faster….


Lol, it is anything but simple. There are those types, but I wouldn’t say they are common. Just think of it this way, they might be people who believe ‘married sex’ looks like ‘this’. So, they essentially make the marriage sex boring and repetitive because of some deeper insecurity about how you will judge them. 

And that’s a common theme I see. They are normally overly concerned with how others judge them. Sex is a way for them to feel good about themselves, or like in my SA WW’s case, a way to avoid facing rejection. Sex is complicated with her emotionally both being ‘just sex, no biggy’ and a way to create emotions inside her like feeling wanted and desired. There was another reason too for my WW; To somehow feel she’s getting me back (evening the score) for perceived hurts… vengeance & revenge. 

Basically, the ‘simplicity’ of the situation is that they are all heavily conflicted with who they are and who they want to be.


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

Thank you for your reply. It's been so long since I visited the site! My H continues to improve, sometimes I even feel sad that he will carry this burden for the rest of his life, but maybe, because of how his brain works, is better this way. I hope the day will come when I can look back at all this and not hurt...I try to focus on the positive and everyday I trust him a bit more. I am watchful yes, but my life is not dependent on it...he knows what he needs to do, I sure know what I will do if there is EVER a slip. Simple as that.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Imstrong123 said:


> *I sure know what I will do if there is EVER a slip. Simple as that.*


The Betrayed Spouse Motto.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I find it unbelievable sometimes how once you've been cheated on, one immediately start changing things as if I somehow caused him to stray. I did the typical thing-lost weight, change the way I dress and my hair because I thought that he got tired of the same Ole thing. I internalized the pain believing I was lacking somehow. When I asked him the why, he responded that he wanted to see what it felt like. How fvcking selfish. In my freaking mind I would have irrevocably said that it isn't in his character. Never say never, as I've learned. What is broken can be glued back together but it will never be the pristine. You're always waiting for the other shoe to fall-when he's late coming home, calling his freaking job to make sure his ass is at work, wondering when he's on top of you with his eyes closed is he thinking of her, etc. The anger crest and wane but is constantly there.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

My STBX compartmentalized to the point where he couldn't admit he had done anything wrong. Or to the actual facts I has evidence of. How I was able to stay with him and start building a family without realizing he thought like these guys is beyond my understanding. Sometimes people are just REALLY good at disguising socially unacceptable behavior, like cheating. And then justifying it to themselves.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

My ex was passive aggressive with a narsacistic (sp) personality disorder. I was domed from the very beginning. If I had the money he spent on escorts I would be able to retire. Up until the day before our divorce was to be final, he kept saying I would come back to him. Big blow hard. Cheater's will always cheat.


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