# How to Find an Attorney



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Hello all. Been on this board for awhile now.

Separated 7 months, having problems for a year. Wife moved out. She continues to "say" she wants to work on things, but her actions show differently.

Several people have suggested I talk to an attorney or two or three.

What can I expect? To some degree, it would seem like I'm interviewing THEM for a job, so are people typically charged for an initial consult?

There are some basic (and some not so basic) questions I would like to get some guidance on. Basically looking for more info on what I can and should do to prepare, things I need to avoid. But also have some questions about child custody and alimony/maintenance (wife is legally disabled) versus child support. 

How much help should I expect during an initial consult? What will it cost? Will I be more likely to get a free consult if I teel them I'm "shopping around"?


Some info on the more complicated questions:
I feel good about my chances to have "primary custody" of the kids.

She's already mentioned Maintenance payments that she "might" be entitled to. She seems to think her disability would almost guarantee support. I think it might actually complicate things for her. She's been off of work for two years now and has made no real effort (rehab, part-time work, volunteering) to seek any type of employment and done little to improve her health. Most people who know us wonder why she isn't working in some capacity.

I also don't think she's figured out that she might be liable for child support if we continue with our current informal custody arrangement. From what little I've found, this may more than offset any "maintenance" or alimony she might be entitled to.

Thanks all!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Talk to friends that have been divorced and see if they have any insight. Also, call around and ask the attorney if they have a free consult, many will, unless they are extremely busy and successful, but that may be the type of attorney you want.

As far as spousal support, you may be obligated to pay for it, but you can fight that and anything else in the divorce.

Yes, talk to two or three attorneys and find the one that feels like the best fit for you. 

Good luck.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Call around you should be able to get free consults also ask friends that have gone through divorce about the attournys they used. Another route you can consider is using a mediator which is much cheaper than an attourney.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I would ultimately prefer a mediator. But to be honest, one of the reasons for a consult would be to send a message to my wife that I am ready to move forward without her.

I'm also just plain afraid of attorney's and divorce - I have been lucky enough to avoid both for the first 38 years of my life.

Another question - the arrangement we've used most during our separation has the kids at her apartment two nights per week and at the house with me 5 nights per week.

When you start dividing assets, would the kids furniture - which we've always said was theirs - be thrown into the pot? How do you divide things "evenly" when the two kids will be living primarily with one parent?

This is not what I want, but I'm starting to realize its what I have to do.

Do you even ATTEMPT to use a mediator when your spouse has been lying and putting their own interest above the family's best interest for the last year?

Am I wrong to think its ridiculous to pay an attorney $10k to settle a $5k dispute? I'm just throwing numbers around right now. But I work with numbers, and I've seen that the average divorce costs $20k to $30k. Am I crazy to think it would be better to let my wife screw me out of $15k - money that she "might" actually use for our children - than to give $20k to an attorney just to say I fought for what was right?

I'm REALLY struggling with some of these ideas...


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I would ultimately prefer a mediator. But to be honest, one of the reasons for a consult would be to send a message to my wife that I am ready to move forward without her.
> 
> I'm also just plain afraid of attorney's and divorce - I have been lucky enough to avoid both for the first 38 years of my life.
> 
> ...


Well once the divorce starts its all about buisness so refrain from discussing what got to to where you are at right now at least when you are in mediation or with lawyers. 

I wouldnt go into negioations with the idea that you are willing to get screwed or even conceed to unfair settlements however you need to pick your battles, in others words it would be stupid to pay 1000 fighting for an item worth 10 bucks(just an example)

The more you can agree to before mediation or laywers the better. I think it is better to keep as much money in the family rather giving it to blood thirsty laywers who are notorious for starting fights between spouses, the more fighting the more money for them.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

unfortunately its about future payments more than what your current assets are. At least where I am, most attorneys will give a free hour for a consult. I wish you luck.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

DennisNLA said:


> unfortunately its about future payments more than what your current assets are.


Confused - can you clarify?

:scratchhead:


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

I think he is talking about child support and alimoney.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hey NG,

Any worthwhile attorney is going to give you a complimentary consultation.

The more prepared you are overall, the more an attorney - or a mediator can facilitate the process.

The kid's stuff is at the house. The house is their primary residence, where you live with them. The kids stuff doesn't go anywhere.

YOU get to decide these things. DO NOT leave it up to an attorney (who will be charging you for the time of writing up who gets the sofa)

I'm not saying this to be judgmental, and you of course know far better than any of us - but I caution you on using a mediator. You are kind - and you want to be kind, and fair, and quite frankly I'm concerned that will be used against you. 

Make sure you have segregated assets before having her served. Most certainly do not tell her you are going to have her served. You have already made the next step very clear. Don't keep broadcasting it, hoping she will stop you. If she retains an attorney and puts it on your joint checking or credit card account - you're on the hook for it. 

This is also why I advised many months ago that paying her rent was a bad idea. You have established precedent. In other words, a mediator or the courts is going to acknowledge that she needs a roof over her head and isn't working - and you had already been providing that.

Write up a budget. This is immensely useful and necessary. You need to know how much you bring in, how much goes where, and how much you are left with. This is a must - an attorney, mediator and the courts will require it.

Decide your terms. This doesn't have to be in Legalese. Basically all you need to do is write up exactly the arrangement that you have right now, presuming that is acceptable to you.

My stbx was never proactive throughout the entire process - I think you will find similar, unless she gets an attorney. If you can steer this thing in a direction that is fair for both of you, then mediation is the way to go, but I stress, you are going to have to be keenly aware of your boundaries, and defend them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I guess I always viewed it in two phases - phase one to split up the assets and debts, and phase two being the related to support payments.

Am I really that far off here? Have started doing some reading, but there's just so damn much to consider.

Deej - I'm pretty freakin' pissed off right now. The desire to be nice is fading. Yes - it is in my nature - but at this point I'm really struggling with this whole 50/50 concept. Have had a few conversations with her mother in the last couple of days - and her Mom is also livid. A good friend came in from out of town and talked to us. I asked her later to call my wife and follow-up - just as a more "gentle" reminder. Friend e-mailed back that she's really pissed off at my wife for what this is going to do to our kids.

I saw a disneyworld commercial - got pissed off thinking we would never go again as a family and how hard it will be with divided finances.

Going to go play a game with my girls.

Right now my biggest fear is getting worn down. This - and work - and pretty much being a single dad - are wearing my sorry ass out.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

A good attorney will usually do the initial consult for free. In my case, the next step was to put down a substantial retainer fee. And once that was depleted, the attorney bills monthly for what he does. It's not cheap by any mean. However, in my case I'm having to go this route for a couple of reasons. The BIG reason is because my stbx has no integrity and lies about everything. He is going to have to have the courts "holding his feet to the fire" where any agreements are made.

Do you have any attorney friends or family members who have attorney friends? I found my attorney that way. I have two family members who are lawyers and my brothers are also friends with another one. Although these lawyers didn't practice family law, they really knew which lawyers were top notch divorce lawyers. Also, if you are seeing a therapist for individual counseling, they may be able to make a suggestion. A therapist hears everything--it's just a question if they are willing to go there.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Well, I'll be the geek in the group and suggest something like "Divorce for Dummies" book... I'm about to buy it, and the Amazon ratings look good. Attorneys around here are $300/ hour, so reading a $15 book seems like a good investment. It's a lot to know, but the cost of the process is insane. I'd rather draw up my own document (set of documents?), then work to push it through.

If you have also been living separate, it seems that you are through a lot of the negotiations. It's just about documenting something agreeable that is happening now.

Around here (mid-sized city), the big firms charge the initial consult, sometimes at 1/2 price. They are on to everyone doing a few initial interviews to learn process, I guess. I have seen smaller firms (10-20 attorneys) do free, and sole proprietors do free for sure.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Another book recommendation, that I have made before: "The Healthy Divorce". 

As has been pointed out ... you already have a lot of the groundwork laid out in terms of being separated. Unless you want any drastic changes to that arrangement, just document what is already happening.

If you want to keep the house, you will likely need to buy out her share of the equity. Not the value ... which of course would be what she wants.

If you go the mediation route, basically the agreement consists of what the two of you decide on. It was pretty straight forward for my ex and I, and it is exponentially cheaper than both of you using attorneys.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Thanks guys, but books also piss me off lately. While I've been reading about how to save a marriage, she's at least checked out a few on divorce. I'm not too concerned about her doing any real reading - kind of think she might have just been trying to spook me a bit.

One of the books was called "The Good Karma Divorce" - hard not to laugh given all the stupid **** she's done. Karma would be me winning the lottery and having a supermodel propose to me the day AFTER our divorce is final. THAT would be Karma.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> If you want to keep the house, you will likely need to buy out her share of the equity. Not the value ... which of course would be what she wants.


So - don't get the house appraised? Merely look at the amount of principal that has been paid down, the amount of the loan and the home's original cost?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've got the budget part done. Been doing that for over a year now. Also done some initial guesses on our assets and liabilities. 

Starting to think that I don't have enough time to get divorced.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

So......_why_ do you even need an attorney? You've already done the work you'd pay thousands of dollars to get someone else to do, the forms are available online, in libraries, bookstores - and doing it yourself saves time and money.

Get an attorney ONLY if she does....IMHO


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> So - don't get the house appraised? Merely look at the amount of principal that has been paid down, the amount of the loan and the home's original cost?


Well you can make any offer you want to her, that doesnt mean that she will take the offer. The 50% thing sucks especially if you were the one making the money.

If you ever get married again there is a few things that you can do to protect your assets from becomming community property. Money you have before marriage can be placed into a seperate account in your name only and then do not add any money made while being married. That would make it seperate property, Inherantances to you only and in your name without marital money added to it would be seperate money as well.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Pete - I'm stilling clinging to some small, foolish hope that the threat of divorce will wake her up - and nothing would make the threat seem more realistic than seeing a laywer.

And I am in agreement with you - but I still have concerns.

You mention hours of paperwork when I already feel worn down, July is my busiest work month of the year (budget cycle begins), and the month when my daughters have both of their B-days. Sounds REAL tempting to just pay someone else to handle it.

And as Deejo has so correctly pointed out, I'll want to be nice, while my wife continues to take the art of lying to new heights. Can I really trust her regarding finances after all of the emotional BS?

Realistically, I would rather let my wife have a little extra - that might possibly benefit the kids - then to spend many (billable) hours fighting over what we have, only to hand most of it over to an attorney.

A little more info - the last 10 years - my wife was a stay at home mom for 3 or 4 years, then worked part time so she could still mostly be home for a couple, then went to nursing school for 3 years, and has been disabled with limited income for 2. I make a good living, but we've mostly been a one income family for the last 10 years. Good news is that we've lived within our means with a modest house payment and not a lot of debt. Right now we are breaking even while paying for a house and an apartment, and we still have places where we could cut expenses if needed.

If we don't get too emotional - hard to do right now - we should be able to make this work for both of us.

Rambling a bit because I'm tired and it feels good to get this stuff out. Also avoiding work. I'm just drained.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> So - don't get the house appraised? Merely look at the amount of principal that has been paid down, the amount of the loan and the home's original cost?


Here is where a mediator works their magic. Attorneys could give a rat's a$$ if you claw each others liver out.

A mediator is going to steer you - the both of you. A mediator will point out that mutually assured destruction serves neither one of you - and particularly not the kids.

You and your wife get to decide EVERYTHING in mediation. You don't have to do 50/50 anything if you both agree to it.

Child support is dictated by the state - but it is also formulaic based upon the custodial parent. Which has been, and should continue to be you.

Your wife may insist that the house be sold. She is free to have that opinion. An equity buyout is based on the differential between an appraisal and what you still owe on your note. 

Presuming she has furniture in her apartment, it doesn't make much sense to pack up half the house. Again, have it valued, and cut her a check.

The way my wife and I are handling this is that I am cashing out an IRA - which will go to her, as part of the settlement, the penalty for doing so is no where near as severe. Our agreement is then that we will use that money to square away our asset allocation. She needs to settle out the note on the vehicle that she is driving that is currently in my name, pay off debt ... etc.

If she will work with you ... or follow your lead, this can actually go really smoothly. However, if she is committed to gutting you like a fish, regardless of the impact on the children, mediation probably isn't going to work.

And stop saying "WE". WE = you when it comes to the money. I did the exact same thing.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo - thanks again. Just sorry that you had to find all of this out from experience...


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