# I am a bad husband



## wolverine12 (Jul 7, 2013)

Hello. I need help. I have really screwed up things between my wife and I and I don't have anyone to talk to or know what I should do. I need help.

Let me explain how this all started. I will admit that I have a problem with pornography. It's been a problem since I was a child. It was always around me, so I grew up thinking it was normal and eventually developed an addiction. My addiction isn't like I sit at a computer all day and watch porn. It have like twice a week or a month increments. I get off on the visualization of seeing someone that is attractive. So with this being said, when I see an attractive woman, I get excited. Not in my genitals, but sort of like a shot of alcohol or a shot of cocaine. I get a quick high off of it, then I'm done. My wife has had an idea that I've had this problem for awhile, and has voiced the fact that she feels it is wrong, disgusting, and gross. Because of the way she feels, I have been in denial regarding if I really have a problem. I always told myself that I wasn't "that guy", and truly believed it. I've been trying quite hard to remedy my current state, but it has not been enough. 

Over the weekend, at a family gathering, I took 4 photos of my wife's brother's girlfriend and sent them to my email. She was in a tight dress and looked attractive at that moment. Upon sending the photos, I immediately deleted them knowing that what I doing was completely wrong and disrespectful. I didn't erase them from my sent mail folder because I didn't think about it. My wife went through my mail and found them. Now she wants to leave me and take our 3 month old. I finally was able to break down and admit to her that I have a problem and that I have denied it for years because of shame and embarrassment. She doesn't realize that it truly is an addiction and that without help, I can't quit. She feels embarrassed, has lost her self esteem, feels betrayed, lied to, and thinks that she is not good enough for me. She keeps telling me to go find what I want because she isn't good enough. That is not the case. I have never cheated, never will, and have never acted upon anything that I see. I just like to look.

I have never been in this type of situation. I could lose everything. I am alone in a city with no friends or family. I am desperate. My wife keeps contacting me saying how hurt she is, how bad she feels, how ****ty of a situation this is. I always freak out when she calls. I over think things and say the wrong stuff. I don't know what I'd do if I lose her. Please help me!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not going to make any judgement on your porn use because it's not clear that you use it often enough for you to have an addiction.

My ex spent hours a day while I was at work on porn and internet sex (cybering) sites. He was completely non-functional in all aspects of his life. His addiction completely replaced your relationship. That's an addiction.

Your wife seems to be a bit hysterical about your porn use to be honest. Most men use porn. The issue is whether or not it causes problems in their life.

What is your sex life like with your wife? Have you two been having sex as often as you both want? Or do you prefer the porn to having sex with her?

Did the two of you have an agreement of no porn before you married? What have you promised her about this in the past?

Now your taking pictures of your brother-in-law's girlfriend is not good at all. Is this the first time you have done this sort of thing? Or do you take pictures of women like this often? 

Your best bet is for you make an appointment with a marriage counselor asap. You need to be pro-active and do this. Then ask your wife to join you in the appointment. 

You both need help. It's completely possible for the two of you to put your marriage back together if you both work on it.

I also suggest that you see a divorce attorney and find out your rights. For example if she tries to order you out of your home do not leave. the home is your legal residence. Neither of you have the legal right to throw the other out. 

You can also talk to an attorney about how to prevent her from moving out with your child. In many states she does not have the right to move your child out of the family home with out your permission. You might need to know your rights so that you can prevent her from just walking with you child.

Does your wife work outside the home? If she is adamate about wanting to split up then tell her she needs to get a job (if she does not have one now.) Let her know that she is not the only one in your marriage who has rights and responsibilities. She wants to leave you, then she has to support herself.

I'm not suggesting that you drop a hammer on her. But instead that you drop hints when she starts to go off the deep end about leaving you over what sounds like a moderate use of porn.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Dont dispair. 

You have started your recovery from the problems in your relationship. You are now aware and motivated so you are in a good place. 

Don't make any major decisions or do anything drastic now except to seek out therapy. 

From what I see, the frequency of porn is not the problem but it is the changes that it has brought to your view of women. 

There is nothing inherently wrong with you it the effect that porn has on some people. You can fix it with help by stopping the assault on your brain. 

Please be encouraged that things will get better. It won't happen tomorrow so don't let this initial tumultuous period convince you that all is lost. Keep your focus on recovery and take the long view and you will soon see your way clear.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

wolverine12 said:


> Hello. I need help. I have really screwed up things between my wife and I and I don't have anyone to talk to or know what I should do. I need help.
> 
> Let me explain how this all started. I will admit that I have a problem with pornography. It's been a problem since I was a child. It was always around me, so I grew up thinking it was normal and eventually developed an addiction. My addiction isn't like I sit at a computer all day and watch porn. It have like twice a week or a month increments. I get off on the visualization of seeing someone that is attractive. So with this being said, when I see an attractive woman, I get excited. Not in my genitals, but sort of like a shot of alcohol or a shot of cocaine. I get a quick high off of it, then I'm done. My wife has had an idea that I've had this problem for awhile, and has voiced the fact that she feels it is wrong, disgusting, and gross. Because of the way she feels, I have been in denial regarding if I really have a problem. I always told myself that I wasn't "that guy", and truly believed it. I've been trying quite hard to remedy my current state, but it has not been enough.
> 
> ...


You admit having a problem. That is a good first step.

You need to get help. Go to a psych that specializes in sex addiction, a 12 step program, and a faith based support group. 

The fact that your wife calls shows she has feelings for you. It's better than hating, or no feelings. Work on fixing yourself. 

Understand that for her, the sex is not good. She feels used. She knows you have a problem, but still doesn't understand. She wants to leave, but has a glimmer of hope that you can change.

This is your opportunity to change. Give it all you have. Your life depends on it. Literally. I wish you well. Ask God for help.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

From your brief overview, what I see are issues with maturity and self control. I agree totally with the counseling idea. I don't so much see an issue with porn but with you're behavior overall. Counseling might help you better understand where your motivations are and with that understanding you will have a better chance at change. You need to expect more of yourself as a man, husband, father someday etc. Good luck.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I just want to point out, that regardless of thoughts on use/overuse of legal porn (there's enough threads beating that dead horse) taking pictures of women without their permission could potentially lead to legal ramifications. This could be seen as some kind of stalking. 

So - I'd definitely talk to a counselor about that.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> From your brief overview, what I see are issues with maturity and self control. I agree totally with the counseling idea. I don't so much see an issue with porn but with you're behavior overall. Counseling might help you better understand where your motivations are and with that understanding you will have a better chance at change. You need to expect more of yourself as a man, husband, father someday etc. Good luck.


The guy is saying he has an addiction to pornography, and you don't see an issue? It is something that has devastating effects on individuals and their families, including innocent children. 

Some people can watch porn and still take it or leave it, for others it is a debilitating toxin that diminishes their conscience, reason, and self control. People need to understand this. 

It is no joke.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

OP if you are still around, does your employer have an Employee assistance program EAP? It so tap into that, it's completely confidential if you call them or email they will connect you with the right treatment to help you and your spouse. If you don't have an EAP try calling your mental health insurance provider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not to sound like a jerk but you don't have pron addiction. You have a self-control problem. I wouldnt blame the pron in this case and I can see why your wife doesn't believe it either.

Be honest with yourself and her. Have you ever seen an addict? A true addict? The source of the addiction is truly overpowering. But the situations you describe are not nearly on that level. I'm not an expert so you very well could have a pron issue, but I can see why your wife doesn't buy it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> The guy is saying he has an addiction to pornography, and you don't see an issue? It is something that has devastating effects on individuals and their families, including innocent children.
> 
> Some people can watch porn and still take it or leave it, for others it is a debilitating toxin that diminishes their conscience, reason, and self control. People need to understand this.
> 
> It is no joke.


But the situations he described (once a week???) is not consistent with an addiction. Taking pictures of your brother in laws girlfriend and sending them to yourself...that's not a pron addiction.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

WOW....You are a young guy, who gets a rush out of looking at a pretty girl....You look at porn 2-4 times a month...

Did you have any male roll models as a child? Are there any older guys you respect that you can talk to? You seem to be a pretty normal young guy to me, and one that loves his wife and child.....

Nothing that you have done shows you have any problem, except the shame and guilt from looking at porn.....It is nothing to be ashamed of......

Anyone that says you have a porn addiction is a rabid porn hater, and is hanging their baggage on YOU....YOU ARE NO KIND OF ADDICT...

You took 4 pictures of a girl IN A DRESS at a family function.....please show me the crime in that.......

You used some bad judgement, but even that was not a serious infraction...You are a perfectly normal man, and your wife has totally over reacted to a minor incident...Nothing you have done regarding the pictures of the girl should require more than an apology and a promise not to do it again......

She is trying to punish you for her insecurities....This is pretty typical of a woman who has had her feelings hurt, especially one with a poor body image.....

Unless you are willing to surrender your testicles in a pickle jar, you have to get this situation under control....

Tell her if she can't cope with you looking at porn, you will limit it to a couple of times a week, and no more than an hour at a time........This sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.....

the woodchuck


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> She is trying to punish you for her insecurities....This is pretty typical of a woman who has had her feelings hurt, especially one with a poor body image.....
> 
> Unless you are willing to surrender your testicles in a pickle jar, you have to get this situation under control....


Obviously, it's always easier to infer that someone else is the problem. And, the default always is - female feelings about porn are illegitimate, she's just insecure and doesn't like her body. 

The OP is starting to take photos of family members to fantasize about them. That's not just "a girl in a dress" I think that's starting to slide into the creep zone. To mention the serious family tension that may erupt if that become known to people. Like - I really doubt the wife's brother would appreciate knowing that he was skeeving on his wife like that. 

If you found out your brother-in-law was taking pictures of your wife for his spank tank, would you be "it's cool, bro, I'm no rabid porn hater." Or would this cause issues? Even most people who are cool with porn usually don't like the idea of their spouse (or themselves) being someone else's defacto porn. 

So - whether or not this is a "porn addiction" - it is lending itself to bad choices that may lead to awkward social consequences. And - that has nothing to do with his wife's "body image problems."

As to this...



> You took 4 pictures of a girl IN A DRESS at a family function.....please show me the crime in that.....


..

A person who is within the confines of a private home has, according to the law a reasonable expectation of privacy. And thus - their consent is required to legally photograph them. This is assuming you aren't crossing into other territory like - oops, she was only 16, and the pose she was in is suggestive. Or if you are taking unreasonable amounts of photos of one subject in public - which can then turn into a harassment issue. 

Seriously, this seems like thin ice to skate.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Obviously, it's always easier to infer that someone else is the problem. And, the default always is - female feelings about porn are illegitimate, she's just insecure and doesn't like her body.
> 
> The OP is starting to take photos of family members to fantasize about them. That's not just "a girl in a dress" I think that's starting to slide into the creep zone. To mention the serious family tension that may erupt if that become known to people. Like - I really doubt the wife's brother would appreciate knowing that he was skeeving on his wife like that.
> 
> ...


You infer an awful lot from limited information...do you think he should lawyer up, or surrender to the police???.....On the evidence no more than apology to his wife is needed....

People are trying to make a confused young man into a perv and a creep....

He said he gets a rush out of seeing a really pretty girl.....Surprise, surprise, I am 66, and I get a rush too....

It's hard wired into the male, and nothing to be apologetic about.......

If men didn't get that rush, women would spend a lot of time sleeping alone.......

If you were at a party, and a guy you thought was REALLY hot was there, would you be tempted to take a picture?

Better yet, if this REALLY hot guy saw you and you saw him snapping a pic on his Iphone, would you be creeped out?...Hell no...You would be telling all your GF's.....

Leave the guy alone....


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I'm not really getting your point Woodchuck how is this going to help him stop losing his wife?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

wolverine12 said:


> My addiction isn't like I sit at a computer all day and watch porn. It have like twice a week or a month increments.


Ask yourself this. How often do you think non-addicted men look at porn? As others have said here, if it's only entertainment and isn't interfering with your life, then it's not an addiction or a problem. 



> I get off on the visualization of seeing someone that is attractive. So with this being said, when I see an attractive woman, I get excited.


OMG, you need to see a physician immediately. You might even be a heterosexual. 




> My wife has had an idea that I've had this problem for awhile, and has voiced the fact that she feels it is wrong, disgusting, and gross.


If your wife thinks it's "wrong, disgusting, and gross" for you to be attracted to other women, then she is living in a fantasy land. There are a few women who think if a husband loves his wife then he magically loses all interest in any other women in the world. That never happens though, and so being married to a woman with those kinds of expectations can be miserable and frustrating. 

If you keep going down this road, you will make concessions to her like never looking at other women again, etc. This simply isn't realistic and will eventually backfire big time. 



> Over the weekend, at a family gathering, I took 4 photos of my wife's brother's girlfriend and sent them to my email.


That's not so normal, but it's probably the mildest offense possible. Your wife threatening to leave you for that is waaaay over the top. Think about it. What is she going to say in court? Your honor, I'm divorcing him because he took photos of my brothers girlfriend at our family dinner???

I'm sure you are no saint, but in everything you have described the main problem here is her, not you. Having said that, it takes two to tango and you've been enabling her insecurities so you haven't helped the situation either. I strongly recommend marriage counseling for BOTH of you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> A person who is within the confines of a private home has, according to the law a reasonable expectation of privacy. And thus - their consent is required to legally photograph them.


You are wildly exaggerating the issue. Context is important. It isn't like he set up hidden cameras to take photos of her on the toilet. It was a family party, with lots of people there, and certainly many people took photos. They weren't all perverts, they didn't get signed consent forms from every person present, and they weren't violating the law either.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

TiggyBlue said:


> I'm not really getting your point Woodchuck how is this going to help him stop losing his wife?


And suggesting that the law should be involved helps how?

Moreover, getting his wife back is not the only issue on the table. There's also the larger goal of them actually being able to live together again. Maybe if he stops apologizing for being a man, then his wife will appreciate being married to a man again.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Theseus said:


> And suggesting that the law should be involved helps how?
> 
> Moreover, getting his wife back is not the only issue on the table. There's also the larger goal of them actually being able to live together again. Maybe if he stops apologizing for being a man, then his wife will appreciate being married to a man again.



My point was he came for help how is going on about how he's a man and if she doesn't like porn that's her problem ect is any different to the 'anti porn brigade' it isn't helpful.


To the OP I definitely wouldn't say your a porn addict, but your wife made her feelings about porn very well known and you still decided to marry her. It isn't the porn that's so much the problem it's your actions, the porn is just the catalyst.
Taking pictures of her brothers girlfriend is way out of line I'm sure you know that and probably will be a lot harder to forgive, just please don't dismiss her feelings and reaction (also blame shift) as some seem to be suggesting all that will end up doing is causing her to detach from you in the long run.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I actually never said the law -should- get involved. Nor that he should surrender himself to the police. I just said if he keeps taking photos of women it might get there eventually. Like - start taking random pictures of female co-workers at work, see how that goes.

Also, way not to answer if you'd really be cool with finding out another guy was taking pictures of your wife "to get a thrill." 

But, I'm bowing out of here now, this thread, like any topic dealing in any way tangetically with porn has turned into a it's usual bent about how porn and viewing the female form, even without someone's knowledge or permission is natural, inherently masculine and a right. How anything less is "apologizing for being a man." And should a female spouse protest that in any way, obviously - she has mental problems, or self-esteem issues, or "doesn't really understand men."

Yeah, I'm out.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I actually never said the law -should- get involved. Nor that he should surrender himself to the police. I just said if he keeps taking photos of women it might get there eventually. Like - start taking random pictures of female co-workers at work, see how that goes.


But it wasn't female co-workers, it was a guest at a family party. I'm pretty sure if you go through your own family photos, you have pictures of family or friends in there that didn't expressly consent to being photographed.



> And should a female spouse protest that in any way, obviously - she has mental problems, or self-esteem issues, or "doesn't really understand men."


There's such a thing as taking your protest too far. She didn't simply state her objection; she left her husband because he had a couple photos of a female guest at a party (and even had deleted them!). I didn't say his actions were OK, but she simply went off the deep end.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

you clearly understand that you have a problem and have admitted this to your wife, but why aren't you doing anything about it? why don't you enroll yourself in some type of program that could help you? I honestly don't think your wife will respond until she sees and notices the changes. 

I admit I hate porn with a flaming passion, so I can understand where she's coming from on that aspect. and to find pictures you've been sending yourself... ugh. its just creepy. she's going to have some shame for you and for herself. when the hubs does something embarrassing, it embarrasses the wife too. 

anyway, all the best to you. take some initiative to get better!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I agree her reaction was extreme, and no she shouldn't have left him over it. But I get the idea, just like all TAM posts we are getting only the tip of the iceberg. I'm guessing there is likely more that went into this. 

Or - it was a culmination of the fact that the OP mentions that they have a three month old. So - this probably happened at just the wrong moment - his wife is probably already feeling stressed, tired, and likely not particularly attractive, so - knowing he was eyeing on her sister-in-law was likely just a total burn.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think it's really the pictures of the girl at the party, the girl that both of you know. Your W is badly hurt by that - it's a shock to find your spouse is busy taking secret pictures of someone close at hand. It's personal and intimate. Your W is hurt and feels less attractive and desirable. She doesn't know if you took them to get something going with the girl, or if the two of you have something secret going. She doesn't know. Her mind is in overdrive about this & it has turned her world around.

There are many men who would say this is overreaction, but there are many women who would react very much like your W. In my opinion, you need to be a broken record on how much you love and desire your W and that you are faithful & had no thoughts of straying.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> You infer an awful lot from limited information...do you think he should lawyer up, or surrender to the police???.....On the evidence no more than apology to his wife is needed....
> 
> People are trying to make a confused young man into a perv and a creep....
> 
> ...


That is manhood to you? Sex sex sex, thats all? No control, no thought of humanity, decency, propriety, no need to be sensitive to the wife's need for reassurance that she is enough, no care at all about the insecurity of woman. 

Do have have daughters? Would it be acceptable to you that they live in a culture where random men can exercise their testosterone rights by going around taking pics of them if they found them sexually exciting? The images would be used at a latter time for what? How about if they would see these men repeatedly? 

All that hard wired sh1t is an excuse for actions that show a sad lack of control, good judgement, civility and character. If you think that sex is all that defines a man then I can see your point.

That is teenage male sexuality. Many women agree with you - male sexuality is uncontrolled, all consuming and mindless pursuit of pleasure. That presents problems in LTR. 

Thankfully, there are mature men who are invested in a controlled form of masculinity. Control of self and environment, the men who protect and nurture their girls and boys. They are more interested in that than their right to descend to the level of bonobo monkeys. 

My reading of the OP's post is that he took pics of this particular girl because he found her attractive and emailed them to use at a latter time. He implies that this is part of a pattern of behavior that has repeated itself over the years and has created problems in his relationship.

Sounds like its his problem not his wife. We of course know that he was not taking pics to gaze in admiration at the female. He was going to use the pics as an aid. 

His wife is right to be upset with him. His behavior is invasive and boorish and immature. If he wants to stay married to her or any woman, he would be better not to thump his chest and tell her he is a man so he does not need to have morals and control.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> That is manhood to you? Sex sex sex, thats all? No control, no thought of humanity, decency, propriety, no need to be sensitive to the wife's need for reassurance that she is enough, no care at all about the insecurity of woman.
> 
> Do have have daughters? Would it be acceptable to you that they live in a culture where random men can exercise their testosterone rights by going around taking pics of them if they found them sexually exciting? The images would be used at a latter time for what? How about if they would see these men repeatedly?
> 
> ...


You build quite a case on scant evidence...

Sex is only one thin slice of the masculinity pie...having been married to the same woman for 47 years, I understand how a woman can get her feelings hurt...

However Leaving a man for taking 4 photographs of a clothed woman at a family get together, is over reacting...

He has had his head smacked by a 2X4, and now knows he was out of line....

He owes his wife a sincere apology, and a promise to not engage in that kind of behavior again....

As to his ultimate USE of those pictures...

If you were called as a witness at their divorce hearing, what would you swear he was going to do with those 4 clothed pictures?

This is the third time in a week that I have seen women threaten to leave their husbands over PICTURES.......

Marriage is too important to trash over trivial things....

Upset is not grounds for divorce.......I promice

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> I agree her reaction was extreme, and no she shouldn't have left him over it. But I get the idea, just like all TAM posts we are getting only the tip of the iceberg. I'm guessing there is likely more that went into this.
> 
> Or - it was a culmination of the fact that the OP mentions that they have a three month old. So - this probably happened at just the wrong moment - his wife is probably already feeling stressed, tired, and likely not particularly attractive, so - knowing he was eyeing on her sister-in-law was likely just a total burn.


A tip of my hat....Your post shows insight, and understanding....

If the OP and his wife could put things together as well, they would not have a problem....

I asked the OP if he ever had a male role model, because he really sounds like a kid that didn't have a strong male presence in his life, and isn't too well grounded in his own sexuality......

Lets hope the divorce lawyers will have to drive the same Benz another year.....

the woodchuck


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've been with my H for 35 years and consider myself comparatively well-adjusted. I certainly don't run to divorce court over something trivial.

I also don't think that divorce is a reasonable reaction to this, certainly if that's all there is to it.

But, just as women have to work to understand issues of male psyche, men need to do the same for women. In this case, OP's W went to a party with her H and later found out that he spent some of his time there 'admiring' another woman enough to take multiple pictures and then took the time to save them to his e-mail.

This would be a very hurtful thing to discover for pretty much any woman I know. A typical woman would think that her H might find the woman in the picture more desirable and attractive than his W and that he was interested in her, that perhaps there was more to it.

You can judge this any way you want, but that is a standard reaction. Women try to get used to their H's desire to look at sexy women all over the media, but when it's a real live girl at a party that you went to that you've taken pictures of to ogle? This steps into personal hurt and slight territory for a woman.

And here's a question for the men here who think it's no big deal. If you made yourself presentable to go with your W to a party and she spent her time noticing and secretly taking pics of a really sexy guy at the party and then saved those pics to disk, how would you react? Would you be OK with that? Would you wonder if there was something else about it that you should know?

This is a real question. I'd like to know whether this would bother a man if the tables were turned.

For the record, again, I don't think this is an issue for divorce, but think the OP needs to be adject and dogged in his apologies and assurance that he loves and desires his W.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> You build quite a case on scant evidence...
> 
> Sex is only one thin slice of the masculinity pie...having been married to the same woman for 47 years, I understand how a woman can get her feelings hurt...
> 
> ...


I am sure we don't have the full story but what ever has been happening it is not trivial to her. That means its serious for them both. 

One thing you have forgotten is that all this could have been avoided by extending a bit of empathy and compassion to his wife. 

He knew she just had their child, he knew that ogling the gf of a family member and taking photo's would devastate his wife at such a sensitive time. 

How simple it would have been to forgo the admiration of the gf of another man and the desire to prolong the admiration by getting hard copies of the image. 

I am glad he is not as dismissive of his wife's feelings as you are encouraging him to be. 

This is not to say that he should feel so down on himself. He made an error in judgement. What is his wife's feelings worth to him? 

Can he forgo ogling women around her? Can he not take pics and just commit their form to memory since he knows how taking trivial pics hurts her. He has to decide on his priorities. He does not get to dismiss her feelings. 

That is not the way to build a relationship with an exchange of satisfactions. If a man can dismiss his wife's insecurities then he has to accept that she will not be understanding with his concerns. Why should she? 

If you think that it's ok to trivialize a woman's need for her husbands reassurance to feel secure and loved then why do you find it so hard to understand a wife who trivializes her husbands need for sex to feel loved?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> This is the third time in a week that I have seen women threaten to leave their husbands over PICTURES.......
> 
> Marriage is too important to trash over trivial things....
> 
> Upset is not grounds for divorce.......I promice


I would leave my h over this. To me it says he has zero respect for his wife and women in general, and I would not want to stay with someone who thinks that way. 

It matters not that she was clothed, the OP was pretty clear about the intentions of those photos. Good on him for realizing his mistake and deleting them, but I would still have trouble regaining my respect for someone with such a lack of judgement, respect and common courtesy.

Yes, people appear in photos all the time without consenting to them, but those are family gathering portraits. I may be wrong, but these photos have a vibe much more like up-the-skirt shots.

At that level, it isn't even about whether I am upset or insecure. It's about what kind of person he is and what he is capable of.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

always_alone said:


> I would leave my h over this. To me it says he has zero respect for his wife and women in general, and I would not want to stay with someone who thinks that way.


Of course you have the right to set the bar as high as you want in your relationships, but if you demand such perfection that you would leave your h over taking photos during a public event, then you could well end up "always alone". It's your choice, but it's a hell of a rigid one.


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## HappyLife1987 (Jul 15, 2013)

It sounds like a very difficult situation to explain to your lady. I have to say it looks quite bad. I believe that you have a problem like you said and that you love her with all your heart. Perhaps you can suggest you go to some individual counselling to work through this, so it doesn't have to rule your life anymore, in addition to taking counselling together to work through some of the insecurities she now has as a result. I hope it all works out for you.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Of course you have the right to set the bar as high as you want in your relationships, but if you demand such perfection that you would leave your h over taking photos during a public event, then you could well end up "always alone". It's your choice, but it's a hell of a rigid one.


It isn't "taking photos" that's the problem here. It's respect. Not just for the wife, but for the woman in the photo, the brother-in-law, and the family. 

And if asking for respect is setting the bar too high -- well, a high bar it will be.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OP, your wife needs to get a clue about the differences in sexuality from person to person and from gender. She has absurd expectations that being married means being blind, she is stuck in Disney Princess Mode and she needs to grow up. After Jasmine and Aladdin had been together for a while, the rush of endorphins leveled off and Aladdin noticed that other women were also attractive, even though he still loved and adored Jasmine.

Also, your wife has a new baby, which means she is at an all time low in terms of self confidence in general and confidence in her sexuality in particular. So... Really really bad timing on getting busted with porn.

Taking secret pics... Completely creepy and not to be repeated.

Put more effort into watching her. Secretly take sexy pics of your wife, then let her "catch" you viewing them. You gotta make her feel she is the standard bearer for what you think is sexy and beautiful.

Getting a rush from seeing a pretty woman, getting a rush from viewing porn occasionally, are pretty standard for someone with a higher than average sex drive, man or woman. When I'm really horny I can't help but "study" attractive men. 

Respect... Does that mean a person has no respect for another if they find some one sexually attractive and want to look at them? What the hell does respect have to do with sexual attraction? Dont confuse admiration with total objectification. Sex and respect are NOT mutually exclusive! You want to clamp your husband's balls in a tourniquet and decide for him how his sexuality works and label that as demanding respect, be my guest. Fair warning in a short time your husband will likely disengage from you because he can't be his authentic self without accusations of not being respectful.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Respect... Does that mean a person has no respect for another if they find some one sexually attractive and want to look at them? What the hell does respect have to do with sexual attraction? Dont confuse admiration with total objectification. Sex and respect are NOT mutually exclusive! You want to clamp your husband's balls in a tourniquet and decide for him how his sexuality works and label that as demanding respect, be my guest. Fair warning in a short time your husband will likely disengage from you because he can't be his authentic self without accusations of not being respectful.


Turning your brother-in-law's gf into your personal spank bank is not simple admiration. It is utter lack of respect for both him and her. If my h decides that my sister-in-law should be part of his spank collection, then honestly, he'd better disengage because I won't be around any more. 

As for admiration: when you 'admire' these attractive men, do you also snap photos for your later solo sessions? Does it make a difference to you whether they're part of your family when you make these decisions?

As you say, it is one thing to 'notice' that others are sexually attractive, and it's another to completely objectify them.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

do you love your wife. are you willing to give up porn? dose your wife meet your sexual needs?

do you want to be married to someone who acts like this. Its seems like she is over reacting a bit to me.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I don't think you have an addiction. If you feel guilty from your porn use, is it because you think it is wrong or you know your wife does? You need to be honest with yourself. Is it a big deal to you to look at porn? Do you feel bad after you do it? Why do you feel bad? I think you need to examine the answers to these questions if you want to possibly change this. I will not pass my judgment to you on what I think of porn, but as a wife I can say that I am not offended when my husband looks at other women. I may feel somewhat jealous, but in the end I know my husband loves me. I didn't read everyone's replies, and I don't remember seeing anything in here about your sex life, but if your wife is satisfied both physically and emotionally, she might not be reacting this way. You sound like a good man who is genuinely concerned about keeping his marriage together. You need to find out how you feel about this before you react to what your wife is saying. Be honest with yourself first. Otherwise you will end up resenting your wife for being too harsh later on down the road.


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