# Opposite sex single friend/coworker oblivious to EA



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

Is it okay to have opposite sex friends when married? My husband made a friend who is female at work they spend 40 hours a week together and sit right next to each other everyday. He says she's just a friend and nothing more. They get along great and have a laugh everyday. I been jealous about there friendship and nagged my husband from day one. Since reading a lot on opposite sex friends and marriage also with jealousy is that the couple should talk openly about the jealousy and fears of the one who insecure with the friendship and I have tried talking about it and told my husband that I'm not comfortable about his friendship and he said he is not going to stop being friends with her because of my crazy jealousy. I was jealous before but since he started this new job with her he has changed, well I feel he has changed. He showers and tries to look good everyday and is distant from me ( probably cause I nagged about my jealousy thoughts a lot) he treats her better and compliments her and not me, I read his texts one time and he said she is hot and talked about how to keep a woman happy you have to know how to please her and he told her many times she's attractive and I been getting nothing. He sick of me bringing up jealousy issues and we almost broke up because of it and I begged him to stay I'll change but since that day he has been more distant and like he is disgusted with me. Now just to throw this in as well I have become friends with her to help and it has a little bit cause I know she doesn't like him in that way and doesn't ruin happiness and is trying to help us by telling him to treat me better and give me advice I do believe her and trust her she is nice. But it's him that worries me because we been having marriage problems for so long I feel he is getting to close to her but he doesn't understand why I'm so jealous and insecure. I try telling him but he gets so defensive and mad. His parents are here but he said we will talk about everything when they leave. I need him to know the boundries and that I should be his number one priority he can have friends of the opposite sex as long as we have rules to what is ok and wat isn't ok. He says I can read his texts but also doesn't want me too at same time cause he gets upset that I don't trust him. Also to go with this I asked him if he fantasised about her and he said yes. So he finds her attractive, hot, fantasises, gets along great and seems happier with her then me. Yes I haven't helped and I know my faults I have to trust him and not jump at him with questions everyday about her but I feel he should be more understanding to my feelings. He had been depressed not taking anything 2 years ago and was snappy,moody and treated me like crap I stuck by him he was willing to give up on me over jealousy. How can I talk to him to fix all this any suggestions? How can I go about this without him thinking I'm accusing him of cheating. We spend everyday together he works and comes home I don't think he is cheating just haveing emotional affair without realising it. Please help...
Extra info:
*she is single I trust she doesn't want my husband in that way my husbands says I should trust him but I'm so uncomfortable with it and he gets fed up when I bring it up he says they are just friends. How do I tell him this is not right ?
*I can't give him the ultimatum as I said I don't mind him being friends with her just want him to back off a lot just be work friends and that's it. He loves his job and enjoys it so can't do that a marriage is important but I'm sure there is another way I can work it out. I just need to know wat to say on the lines of the emotional affair he doesn't think he is having I don't want to accuse just how to talk about it*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It is ok if it doesn't threaten the marriage. From what you said he is having the signs of an EA with the extra grooming acting differently etc. This is not safe for the marriage and he needs to back off a bit. Becoming distant is really bad because that means his feelings are focused elsewhere. You need to work on that by doing fun stuff with him. Since you are friends with her you can ask her to tell him to back off. 

This is similar to what I am going through. It's kind of a one sided EA where she was/is a friend and I was taking it too far by trying to develops the relationship more than a friendship should be. It took me awhile to see this. So you need to work fast and have him respect boundaries that you are comfortable with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

The reason you don't trust him is because he is not acting trustworthy.

What he is doing isn't even close to be OK.

If he loves you and wants to spend his life with you he should be focusing on you and what he loves about you and finds attractive every day.

I think you need to write him a letter, tell him your personal relationship boundaries. tell him he is free to do what ever he wants, but you won't stay with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve.

Tell him you want marriage counseling.

Ask him how he would really feel if you were doing this with a man?

Then do a 180 and stick by what you said, if he crosses the line, go and see a lawyer.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

He has crossed the line. I'm with Syrum on this one. This is very far from ok. His attention is on another woman. Regardless the reason it's not supposed to be there. It's supposed to be on you and it's not. You deserve better than this.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

I just checked his texts and to explain first his co worker was gonna not be friends with me anymore cause I kept tagging her with him and it was stressing her out. So I apologised to her and said I wouldn't do it anymore and were ok again and in that process when she was mad she said she was gonna delete me and him from texting her but I got her to forgive me I also told my husband me and her were not friends anymore. Okay fast forward now in the text I saw her say me and her were okay now and that I have to stop tagging her and him. Also saw him tell her he really likes her and he said he hope she knows that and hope we can be friends for a long time. Nothing on the lines of me and yeah the wife and I will work on it just about him and her with being friends and he likes her I'm so upset. If I tell him I read it he would be so mad at me thinking I don't trust him. I feel so sick I love him and don't want to lose him but I also dont deserve this 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Sounds like he is definitely emotionally involved... and no woman should be more important than his wife. He is dismissing and invalidating your feelings, and furthermore, putting his friendship ahead of your marriage.

My husband and I went through a similar situation before we got married. He, too, thought this friendship was innocent, and I, for one, told him that it takes WAY TOO MUCH ENERGY for a MAN and a WOMAN to be friends... without the possibility of another sort of pay-off. Communication-wise... it's much easier and simpler for women to be friends with women, and men be friends with men... Look at how many couples here who LOVE and WANT to relate better, then you understand how opposite-sex friendship is a precursor to "more than friends". The energy he is using with her is being taken away from you. You have every right to be concerned and protective of your investment in your relationship with him.

I was lucky because my husband agreed, (not right away, of course), and eventually admitted that he had thought of his 'friend' as more than friends before, but that nothing happened... (Not that it was any of my business... he and I started out as friends, too... and we definitely wanted to be more from the start)!!!! I am very lucky in that my husband recognized the rift that was being created and pulled the plug on the friendship.

If he doesn't respect your wishes you may need to attend counseling together to get him to understand that you are VALID. NO ONE is ever going to stop being attracted to other people... it's just impossible... but having the dignity and respect to confront those feelings in a HEALTHY way can make or break a marriage!

Best of luck to you... you aren't crazy... many of the women here would feel exactly like you in your situation! *hugs*


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Lonesomedove said:


> Is it okay to have opposite sex friends when married?


No.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> No.


Agree for the most part.

I have female co workers that I can joke and laugh with but I set pretty strict boundaries. I don't go out to lunch one on one with a female coworker. I don't exchange personal cell phones/emails. I don't out after work to "unwind" with them. Now I do have female "friends" where my wife is friends with her and I am friends with her husband. Same rules pretty much apply there.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

thing is the phone is his work phone so they text through that. She is not interested in him what so ever and i asked my husband if i could read his texts, before he said he doesnt mind me reading he has nothing to hide but still he doesnt show them just makes him mad because i dont trust him. Anyway we got in a big fight last night i said i feel your having an emotional affair and you take her side over mine. He was so pissed and kept saying they are just friends. I dont think he will ever admit to his EA or maybe he doesnt think he is having one. Also dont even think he knows what an EA is i didnt know myself until i read these blogs when i started having marriage troubles. He keeps saying they are just friends he knows full well that his female coworker/friend doesnt want anything else but friendship and he says it will never go beyound that. He is so drained of me accusing him of wanting more. We both said we are going to have a sit down in 2 weeks when his parents go back home and talk about everything. We both have to talk about what made us happy what made us mad and what drew us apart. If we get mad to walk away and calm down but to also come back to fininsh so we can fix. It cant all be fixed in one night but i know if we continue to talk if he does it (cause he not much of a talker, he gets mad real quick) i will suggest marriage counselling but he already said he didnt really want to do that but would if i wanted to. If we do go im hoping the therapist tells him what is right and wrong in a realtionship. i mentioned boundries last night and for an example i said like some ppl say no huggin, kissing or shoulder message but some will allow it and thats when he got pissed off and told me to F Off and leave him alone and wouldnt talk to me all night. he still seemed upset this morning but he says he loves me and is not mad but he likes to keep things in. i really am stuck. i dont know now if he having an EA or if he just friends. he feels im trying to control him. cause i was jealous a lot. i asked him not to look at facebook profiles of girls, not to look at porn inless im getting some tail (cause he watced porn but we werent having sex much either, he didnt wank either i know that much.) i mean to me those little things dont seem like control but i was insecure and still am and just wanted him to help make me feel better. once im happy and relaxed and loved the way im suppose to be i wouldnt get jealous.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Lonesomedove said:


> thing is the phone is his work phone so they text through that. She is not interested in him what so ever and i asked my husband if i could read his texts, before he said he doesnt mind me reading he has nothing to hide but still he doesnt show them just makes him mad because i dont trust him. Anyway we got in a big fight last night i said i feel your having an emotional affair and you take her side over mine. He was so pissed and kept saying they are just friends. I dont think he will ever admit to his EA or maybe he doesnt think he is having one. Also dont even think he knows what an EA is i didnt know myself until i read these blogs when i started having marriage troubles. He keeps saying they are just friends he knows full well that his female coworker/friend doesnt want anything else but friendship and he says it will never go beyound that. He is so drained of me accusing him of wanting more. We both said we are going to have a sit down in 2 weeks when his parents go back home and talk about everything. We both have to talk about what made us happy what made us mad and what drew us apart. If we get mad to walk away and calm down but to also come back to fininsh so we can fix. It cant all be fixed in one night but i know if we continue to talk if he does it (cause he not much of a talker, he gets mad real quick) i will suggest marriage counselling but he already said he didnt really want to do that but would if i wanted to. If we do go im hoping the therapist tells him what is right and wrong in a realtionship. i mentioned boundries last night and for an example i said like some ppl say no huggin, kissing or shoulder message but some will allow it and thats when he got pissed off and told me to F Off and leave him alone and wouldnt talk to me all night. he still seemed upset this morning but he says he loves me and is not mad but he likes to keep things in. i really am stuck. i dont know now if he having an EA or if he just friends. he feels im trying to control him. cause i was jealous a lot. i asked him not to look at facebook profiles of girls, not to look at porn inless im getting some tail (cause he watced porn but we werent having sex much either, he didnt wank either i know that much.) i mean to me those little things dont seem like control but i was insecure and still am and just wanted him to help make me feel better. once im happy and relaxed and loved the way im suppose to be i wouldnt get jealous.


Your "gut" is telling you something is wrong. Trust your "gut". If you look at similar threads on this subject you will see that a lot of men are against opossite sex friends. There is a reason behind that. We know how men can be. Best not to tempt fate. You need to work on your insecurity and be willing to tell him you won't share him physically or emotionally with this "friend". Ask yourself this. Do you think he would put his relationship with you under this type of stress for a male coworker/friend? You need to come to the conclusion that you're to valuable to allow yourself to be disrespected like this.


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

Kobo said:


> Your "gut" is telling you something is wrong. Trust your "gut". If you look at similar threads on this subject you will see that a lot of men are against opossite sex friends. There is a reason behind that. We know how men can be. Best not to tempt fate. You need to work on your insecurity and be willing to tell him you won't share him physically or emotionally with this "friend". Ask yourself this. Do you think he would put his relationship with you under this type of stress for a male coworker/friend? You need to come to the conclusion that you're to valuable to allow yourself to be disrespected like this.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

Lonesomedove said:


> Is it okay to have opposite sex friends when married? My husband made a friend who is female at work they spend 40 hours a week together and sit right next to each other everyday. He says she's just a friend and nothing more. They get along great and have a laugh everyday. I been jealous about there friendship and nagged my husband from day one. Since reading a lot on opposite sex friends and marriage also with jealousy is that the couple should talk openly about the jealousy and fears of the one who insecure with the friendship and I have tried talking about it and told my husband that I'm not comfortable about his friendship and he said he is not going to stop being friends with her because of my crazy jealousy. I was jealous before but since he started this new job with her he has changed, well I feel he has changed. He showers and tries to look good everyday and is distant from me ( probably cause I nagged about my jealousy thoughts a lot) he treats her better and compliments her and not me, I read his texts one time and he said she is hot and talked about how to keep a woman happy you have to know how to please her and he told her many times she's attractive and I been getting nothing. He sick of me bringing up jealousy issues and we almost broke up because of it and I begged him to stay I'll change but since that day he has been more distant and like he is disgusted with me. Now just to throw this in as well I have become friends with her to help and it has a little bit cause I know she doesn't like him in that way and doesn't ruin happiness and is trying to help us by telling him to treat me better and give me advice I do believe her and trust her she is nice. But it's him that worries me because we been having marriage problems for so long I feel he is getting to close to her but he doesn't understand why I'm so jealous and insecure. I try telling him but he gets so defensive and mad. His parents are here but he said we will talk about everything when they leave. I need him to know the boundries and that I should be his number one priority he can have friends of the opposite sex as long as we have rules to what is ok and wat isn't ok. He says I can read his texts but also doesn't want me too at same time cause he gets upset that I don't trust him. Also to go with this I asked him if he fantasised about her and he said yes. So he finds her attractive, hot, fantasises, gets along great and seems happier with her then me. Yes I haven't helped and I know my faults I have to trust him and not jump at him with questions everyday about her but I feel he should be more understanding to my feelings. He had been depressed not taking anything 2 years ago and was snappy,moody and treated me like crap I stuck by him he was willing to give up on me over jealousy. How can I talk to him to fix all this any suggestions? How can I go about this without him thinking I'm accusing him of cheating. We spend everyday together he works and comes home I don't think he is cheating just haveing emotional affair without realising it. Please help...
> Extra info:
> *she is single I trust she doesn't want my husband in that way my husbands says I should trust him but I'm so uncomfortable with it and he gets fed up when I bring it up he says they are just friends. How do I tell him this is not right ?
> *I can't give him the ultimatum as I said I don't mind him being friends with her just want him to back off a lot just be work friends and that's it. He loves his job and enjoys it so can't do that a marriage is important but I'm sure there is another way I can work it out. I just need to know wat to say on the lines of the emotional affair he doesn't think he is having I don't want to accuse just how to talk about it*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex as long as there are no secrets and we all hang out together.My wife has a best friend who happens to be a male.When we first married it bothered me like crazy when they tell each other that "I love you".It wasn't until I became friends with him and was able to see and understand their friendship.I can understand you be jealous of that friendship that your husband has because I can tell you that if my wife has a friendship like that I'd be a little crazy as well.I would just tell him to end the friendship because it's causing problems in the marriage.If he really loves you and cherishes and respects what you have together it should be no problem.Being emotionally attached to another woman can and always will lead to an affair.And of course she's gonna tell you she's not interested in him like that.She wants to continue seeing him and if she was to admit that she knows that she could lose him.Stop it right now!!And my wife's friend is married.He was when I met him.That's the difference here.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> No.


Thank you. Glad someone else said this. I was too chicken to admit this is my rule. I do have male "acquaintances" but I draw the line at friend.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

should i be allowed to check his texts? Should he get mad and tell me im not allowed if he has nothing to hide? He did tell me once he doesnt mind me looking at his texts but it upsets him cause he feels i dont trust him. i just want to be a part of his life and if there is nothing to hide then why give a fuss. cause when i finally said ok i would like to read them he down right said NO i dont want you to read my texts i dont ask to read yours and i said well i dont text anyone but his coworker which i friended and she and i are female. i dont text guys. He got so mad. How do i go about asking if i can read his texts and explaining why i want to read without being acusatory? i just want to be a part of his life an his friends together. But he seems to like to hide things and be secretive and have his own life. i dont mind showing my texts i have nothing to hide and i feel when your in a realtionship you should be open and not hide things esp if your wife is insecure and jealous. To make me feel better i just want to read them for a while and see how this friendship of theres goes before i calm down and feel safe. How can i go about this in a nice not accusing way?


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## regular_guy (Aug 9, 2011)

Is he unhappy with your marriage? I'm not saying its right for him to treat her better than you, its just that if his needs aren't being met and he is unhappy he might not be doing this. Have you tried sitting down with him when you are both calm and finding out if he is getting what he needs out of the marriage?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> No.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

I am giving him all the attention and love and he knows he can talk to me but he doesnt. He is not a comminication type of guy he shuts down. I have nagged him a lot about my jealosuy that is the only thing i can think of that is making him so unhappy. Which i know i pushed him away. But after i start trying he gets distant. I am not telling him to stop being friends with this female, i just want him to have boundries and know where to draw the line and can he stop himself. i want to be his number one priority. If he made me feel more secure and loved in this realtionship i wouldnt worry so muc. But when he got depressed 3 years ago it started. He was moody and taking it out on me and being mean. He went on a porn chat and i wasnt happy about that and lost trust in him, he began to hold things back and be sneaky so then i stopped believing in him. He is a leo and very selfish and childish at times. i love him and all i need is to be loved and shown i am his number one not number 2 or treated badly. i really dont know how to talk to him without sounding as if im trying to control him cause im not. i just waant to feel more secure in my marriage. Also i want sex anytime im want it he doesnt. i shower him with compliments i make his lunch everyday, i make supper most nights. i like to cuddle and im a good listner and talker. But he not a talker or listner he gets angry and storms around or goes quiet and shuts down. Not sure how much longer i can take this. It hurts when the one u love hurts you like this.


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## Peterbob (Aug 11, 2011)

Hello
I'm going thru the the samething and also need help
He gets calls from and she's rude -I want to talk to him now-
He apoloized to her for me and came home to tell me he did this
We have no sex life,I asked him the other night if he was able to get hard
and he said that he does,but that he doesn't let me know. I tried to give him a BJ and he got hard and said- Maybe next time- there will be a next time. He went out of town for 2 weeks and told me I couldn't go. The next day he said he had planned on taking me all along, he backpeddled hard. He kept coming up with why I ma not be able to go. When we first got married the only friends I had were male. I grew up with these guys and knew their families. He didn't like this so, the friends and I grew apart because he refused to hang out with the group. When He asked the can men and women not be friends I reminded him of this and my answer was no. I don't know where to start on this any help will be welcome


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Lonesomedove,

Your husband has apparently forgotten that he is married. You really need to let him know he needs to knock that crap off with the other woman. Being friendly is just fine, but the texting and fawning is way over the top.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

So how do I explain it to him? He gets all mad and defensive when I say I'm jealous or insecure bout his friendship. He treating me like crap has for a while been moody and snapping and frustrated with me. He texts her not lots but does text. He said in one text he had enough of me and wants to be happy. His coworker/friend told him to try and work it out she loves you to bits but he said no. He was drunk and could have been venting cause he says he not leaving and loves me but yet he treats me so badly cause I pushed him away due to my constant jealousy of this woman. I just want him to understand why I'm jealous and listen and understand but he gets so angry and walks away before I finish. How can I tell him without losing him and making him mad. I just want him to care and love me again like he used to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lonesomedove said:


> So how do I explain it to him? He gets all mad and defensive when I say *I'm jealous or insecure bout his friendship.* He treating me like crap has for a while been moody and snapping and frustrated with me. He texts her not lots but does text. He said in one text he had enough of me and wants to be happy. His coworker/friend told him to try and work it out she loves you to bits but he said no. He was drunk and could have been venting cause he says he not leaving and loves me but yet he treats me so badly cause I pushed him away due to my constant jealousy of this woman. I just want him to understand why I'm jealous and listen and understand but he gets so angry and walks away before I finish. How can I tell him without losing him and making him mad. I just want him to care and love me again like he used to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't say those things. *Say that his relationship to the OW is unaccaptable to you. * Put it on him. If you are not willing to do this then you get what you get.

Basically when a spouse gets into an EA like this they have to go NC. If they work together, then they have to find another job.

Life is full of tough choices.

As long as he is in the affair it can never be how it used to be. The affair has to end.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lonesomedove said:


> *I am giving him all the attention and love and he knows he can talk to me but he doesnt. He is not a comminication type of guy he shuts down.* I have nagged him a lot about my jealosuy that is the only thing i can think of that is making him so unhappy. Which i know i pushed him away. But after i start trying he gets distant. *I am not telling him to stop being friends with this female, i just want him to have boundries and know where to draw the line and can he stop himself.* i want to be his number one priority. If he made me feel more secure and loved in this realtionship i wouldnt worry so muc. But when he got depressed 3 years ago it started. He was moody and taking it out on me and being mean. He went on a porn chat and i wasnt happy about that and lost trust in him, he began to hold things back and be sneaky so then i stopped believing in him. He is a leo and very selfish and childish at times. i love him and all i need is to be loved and shown i am his number one not number 2 or treated badly. i really dont know how to talk to him without sounding as if im trying to control him cause im not. i just waant to feel more secure in my marriage. Also i want sex anytime im want it he doesnt. i shower him with compliments i make his lunch everyday, i make supper most nights. i like to cuddle and im a good listner and talker. But he not a talker or listner he gets angry and storms around or goes quiet and shuts down. Not sure how much longer i can take this. It hurts when the one u love hurts you like this.


As long as he is in the affair and you accept it there will be no change for the better. Being nice to him is not going to do it.

It is too late for the boundary setting here. That had to be there to begin with. It was not. Those boundaries are shattered now. No putting the genie back in the bottle here. You have to demand complete NC because it has trangressed into an affair. No playing just the tip.

The dopamine is in charge now. He cannot / will not stop this unless you intervene.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

For one he will not quit his job for me that's for sure and two he thinks I'm trying to control him. I have asked him to stop many things like looking at Facebook profiles while I'm not around and no porn unless I get some tail. I already said to him I'm uncomfortable with his friendship with her I think hes to close to her. He keeps telling me there just friends that's it his coworker would never go for him he knows this he said. He is sick of me bringing it up and saying him and his coworker are to close. I did say at first I thought he was cheating I did a lot of bad things to push him away. But since he started here at this job we almost split up we fight a lot and he treating me badly now cause of all this. He is more worried bout losing her friendship then his own wife. Thing is I'm diabetic I can't eat anymore I'm stressed and I feel sick all the time thinking bout losing him. He doesn't show a care at all now, no comfort no cuddles no I love you unless I say it. My mom gavee good advice but I'm afraid if I do that he will leave. I feel right now he trying to push me away cause he doesn't want to look like the bad guy. My mom said:" when you have a talk with him tell him your needs as a woman and if he is willing to give them to you. Don't drag in the coworker it has nothing to do with het and don't bring her up just discuss you and your marriage and what you need to be happy." I'm afraid if I say that he will say and as he said before I'm not happy and can't give that to you right now. But he wants me to feel secure and happy to make him happy so he can be normal again. Doesn't seem fair. It's so hard to tell him this is an EA cause he doesn't think so. He thinks I'm crazy jealous and negative that I should stop to make him happy and yes I was jealous before but have been extreme since this new job only cause he changed he complimented her, she makes him happier it seems, he doesn't snap at her but does to me and he doesn't realise how much all that hurts. I bought him a edible flowers fruit basket for his birthday cost $62 and he didn't eat it and all I got was a thanks it's lovely and for card his coworker bought him a belt and got praise and texts most of that day and he wore it I felt so ****. I just want him to realise what all this is doing to our marriage. He already texted her he had enough and wasn't happy hadn't been for a long time. I don't think anything I say will do anything. I'm afraid I lost but won't know till next Saturday evening when we talk. I'll keep you posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newdaddy79 (Aug 15, 2011)

I always say it is never wise to develop close friendships with the opposite sex that are seperate from your mate. In other words, it is great to be friends with the opposite sex if your mate is also friends with them, involved with the discussions, around them when your around them, etc. But the moment conversations start happening seperate from one another, you are asking for it. Wisdom says to never play with fire.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Sounds like he is definitely emotionally involved... and no woman should be more important than his wife. He is dismissing and invalidating your feelings, and furthermore, putting his friendship ahead of your marriage.
> 
> My husband and I went through a similar situation before we got married. He, too, thought this friendship was innocent, and I, for one, told him that it takes* WAY TOO MUCH ENERGY for a MAN and a WOMAN to be friends.*.. without the possibility of another sort of pay-off. Communication-wise... it's much easier and simpler for women to be friends with women, and men be friends with men... Look at how many couples here who LOVE and WANT to relate better, then you understand how opposite-sex friendship is a precursor to "more than friends". The energy he is using with her is being taken away from you. You have every right to be concerned and protective of your investment in your relationship with him.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:
Don't know how many times I've said this to people, have them dismiss me as a pessimist and later find themselves in trouble.

My wife was in the beginning stages of something similar 3 years ago and I dropped the hammer. I told her there was to be NO OFF HOURS COMMUNICATION with her work friend AT ALL!
I told her..
_"Non compliance that means you're closer than I'm comfortable with and it's time for a divorce. We talked about deal breakers before we got married."_
She complied and we're almost back to the 5 star marriage we had before.

To the OP, your husband has smashed the line not just crossed it. Trying to befriend this woman shows how much pain you're in and I feel for you. As much as it may scare you, it's time to give your husband a choice. The friendship or YOU.
If he chooses the "freindship"  you're not losing much if the marriage comes to an end. The hurt now will not be nearly as bad as if he falls into a full blown physical affair.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

Well the time is drawing nearer for our chat. Im not going to give him an ultimatum about his friendship tho cause opposite sex friends are ok just they should have boundries and know where to draw the line. Instead i have printed off a 7 page document for him to read. page 1 is how to fix a broken marriage, page 2 and 3 is about emotional abandonment, page 4 and 5 is about how to deal with a jealous wife and final and not fully sure if i should give him this or not but page 6 and 7 is about what is an emotional affair and signs of one. Lets hope he doesnt get all pissed off and has a relaxing calm talk about everything we have been through. We got married for a reason, the love and the fun and all the things we have in common. We had a rough 3 years and it lowered both of us and made me insecure and all i need is him to be more supportive of me and i know i have made mistakes in not trusting hinm and should be more trusting and not jump at him with every suspition i have. I am hoping this all works out in the end. Thanks for all the support and advice i will keep you posted on my talk this weekend. I will most likely put a post on Monday.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

Okay so we had the talk i got him to read the articles except the EA article cause that would have been accusing him. He realises he was fueling my fire of jealousy and insecurity by texting her and complimenting her and said he has stopped. He also stated he has been distant cause he has been unhappy for such a long time and withdrawn himself so he wouldnt get hurt. But he has thought and realised he cant think of all the bad and when we are happy we are great and doesnt want to throw that all away. We are going to try and he has asked me to not think negative or be jealous. I have agreed as long as he shows me affection and caring i will feel more secure in us and myself and wont worry so much. He also stated he thinks his co worker would be to much trouble to date she is very picky, and demanding. Yes he may think she is attractive but not to what my thoughts are thinking. They are just friends and good friends thats as far as it goes he said. Yes we are allowed to fantasis and find people attractive as long as thats as far as it goes, thats what i have to realise. I have to stop with over thinking and be happy to make him happy so we can both be as we were in the beginning. He has no time to cheat really he is with me all the time he not at work. and said he would never go out with her alone only as a couple. So all we have to do now is work on our marriage and i have to stop thinking bad things and just trust him unless i have full proof there is nothing i can do. I have to stop worrying if he will leave me or cheat on me cause it will drive me insane if he will leave or cheat he gonna do it wether i am being to cautious or not. Thanks for all the support and advice.


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