# Just a BJ?



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So I have a question I'd like to get opinions on. This might be a little long with the backstory, so apologies in advance.

I have a very close friend that has recently gone through a rough patch with her husband of 18 years. This person is a childhood friend and all around wonderful person, and her husband is a great guy. They have 5 kids.

Recently, during said rough patch, my friend happened to meet someone at work. I think it was the shiny new toy thing.....admittedly her husband wasn't the easier person to live with during this time and did many things to shut her out, he will admit this. She was kicking around an affair with this guy and spoke to me about it; I counseled her against it and pointed out that she had a wonderful life and she and her husband love each other. I told her I couldn't imagine what could be worth screwing up what they had. She agreed with this but then told me that years ago her husband had broached the idea of an open marriage, but she shot it down, and she was still resenting this. So now that she had someone in mind, she broached the idea to him. He was all for it, until he realized that she already had someone in mind and there was nobody lined up for him. Just to provide an idea of the boundaries of both parties here.....

We didn't talk much about it after that and she eventually left this job, so she never sees the guy. He's completely out of the picture. I think he was a younger dude that just thought he'd get what he could strings free out of a married woman, but had no interest beyond that. I recently asked her what happened and her response to me was "oh, not much, I just gave him a couple of BJ's". WTF????? Not much????? In fairness to her I asked her if her husband knew about this and she said yes; I have no reason to think she's lying as she's not a good liar, she provided a lot of details, and she told me in detail how he reacted and everything he said (yes, he was very upset). I'm satisfied he knows and they still seem very happy together, so they've clearly come to some kind of understanding.

I told my husband about this and his response was along the lines of WTF? He feels that BJ's are in many ways more intimate than intercourse; he feels like you can pound someone you don't give a %$#^ about but a BJ requires a higher level of intimacy. What does everyone think about this? Is this better than full intercourse? Is it the same? I would've thought intercourse is much worse? If you found out your wife had just provided a couple of BJ's to some guy but you knew for a fact that was it would you feel relieved they didn't have sex or would you feel the BJ's were worse?

In case anyone cares, my friend did tell me that she feels horrible about it every day and asked if I think a day will come when she doesn't. I told her that I hoped the pain lessened for both of them but it might be a good idea if she thought it to some extent regularly as a reminder of what she almost blew up. She agreed.

Thoughts?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Imo the only one that can say "just a bj" is her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

For me, no. A BJ is not more intimate.

as far as better than intercourse? On a scale of 1-100.

PIV intercourse - 80+
BJ - 10

Reasons behind it, but that's where I stand. And yea, BJ is cheating. Don't pass go, Don't collect $200. Get the F**k out and never show your face again. Or I will.

Just my opinion.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I had sex last week. I haven't had a BJ in 12 years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I just asked my husband standing here...which to him would be worse on the scale... his answer = Intercourse..I asked why..he used his hands coming together...describing how there is more of a shared experience / "a feeling".... I know what he means...he is a Love Maker...and that's paramount to him.. neither of us has ever had sex without LOVE attached... 

I happen to agree with him.. we both feel a BJ is lessor on the bar.. another reason ,for me, is...his penis inside has the power to create new life ....I've always seen intercourse as making a couple "one".. the deepest betrayal (no pun intended) if you go there with another... 

Not everyone will see this the same... Both are intimate sexual pleasure that should be solely reserved for the giving & receiving with the one you love & are committed..this is our special bond that we share with no other...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's a trick question. Whatever the man answers is the wrong answer.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Thound said:


> I had sex last week. I haven't had a BJ in 12 years.


Was married for 4 years. Sex uncountable, bj's 8.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe her husband sees this differently because he was on board with the open marriage thing? I personally do not wish to share my hb with anyone and he does not wish to share me. Clearly this guys boundaries are different though.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

A BJ is more intimate because when a loving wife will accept her DH penis in her mouth and swallow to completion she is showing him that she ACEPTS ALL of him. It is a very loving, selfless act a wife can do for her beloved. It runs right from his penis to his heart.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's a trick question. Whatever the man answers is the wrong answer.


Why is it a trick and how can your opinion be wrong? Nobody would fault you for thinking one is worse or they're just as bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why is it a trick and how can your opinion be wrong? Nobody would fault you for thinking one is worse or they're just as bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is oral sex better for you?

"Yes"
Why? don't you like regular sex?


"No"
Why? do you get it from someone else?
Why? don't you like the way I do it?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Is oral sex better for you?
> 
> "Yes"
> Why? don't you like regular sex?
> ...


Can I ask why you find bj's more enjoyable?

Just curious.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Thound said:


> I had sex last week. I haven't had a BJ in 12 years.


Do you feel this is an intimacy issue?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Can I ask why you find bj's more enjoyable?
> 
> Just curious.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How would he know?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

There is room for either opinion here.

On the one hand, a BJ is a selfless gesture, where one is GIVING pleasure without receiving it. Plus it seems less likely a case of using protection. So it seems like she holds the guy in high regard and is acting submissive TO THE OTHER MAN.

And not to put too fine a point on it, but I kiss my wife a lot more than I have sex with her.

BUT intercourse is a MUTUAL and SHARING experience. One which can potentially create life.

For me, there is no 'only' for either one. It is a deal breaker.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree also. Oral sex to me is more intimate and personal than PIV. Maybe she was a Clinton fan?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah, maybe wasn't clear on what I thought. I think they're equally bad as far as cheating goes, thus my wtf question because she seemed to think the oral wasn't that big of a deal. I guess if I think about it I would say that I require more intimacy to give and receive oral, so I see my hb's point, but for cheating purposes they're both enough to throw someone out. I would not feel better if my hb only gave/got oral with no intercourse. And he pointed out the safe sex issue as well, that it's more likely to be ignored with oral.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You could slice and dice this for the rest of eternity but that fact of the matter is if you use your mouth, vagina, penis, butt, or hand, it's still cheating. I wouldn't care how it was done. If my wife did any of the above then it's cheating.

Same thing goes with an EA. Sexting with nude pictures is cheating and so is sending someone a text telling them things that are only meant for your spouse.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Do you feel this is an intimacy issue?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.


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