# The "I want" syndrome.....



## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

I don't even know what to write....nor would I ever foresee in my wildest dreams I would be on a forum trying to figure it all out. I am in early 30's married 3 years, adore my husband and our 1 year old little girl..... but, I want more romance. I want him to sweep me off my feet....call me and leave me a voice mail to tell me he couldn't resist me when he saw me leave for work in the morning. Or, find a babysitter for our little one take me for a walk by the lake and just make out! I feel like my husband is sad because we aren't as intimate as he'd like us to be. But, I feel like he doesn't lust for me unless I am either already half naked getting ready for bed after long day being at work all day and then being super mom until bedtime or when I am trying to get ready for work and make breakfast and pack lunches all within 45 minutes before a freeway commute... 

When I try to talk to my girlfriends about it that bash me and tell me how lucky I am to have him and he adores me. I feel guilty for wanting more....... 

I am not sure if this forum is the answer but I thought I'd give it a whirl before considering couseling.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

I too am looking for more romance. And after 4 years of marriage, and the lack of romance or outwardly expression of love, I sometimes wonder if my husband TRULY loves me, or does he love me out of obligation. (We have a 3yr old and a 1 yr old. and I am a SAHM.) Even my husband admits that he takes me for granted. And due to the lack of effort from my husband to show some romance, makes me wonder if he truly loves me because I have nothing to hold onto.

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, but I will be following this thread. I am curious to know what others think.


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## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

loveandmarriage-
Thanks for the reply! I don't beleive that my husband takes me for granted nor that he doesn't love me. My issue is that I want him to lust for me romantically and put forth effort with the little things that excite me in an intimate relationship. We can never recreate our first time noticing each other or being intimate together. As I am sure most of us can relate, those are great moments. But they are moments we can't replicate. I need to know how to convey to my husband I need to feel that desire he had for me again..... I know some may be thinking...well..... you are in your 30's and have a had a child...and yes I have some road marks to prove it. GOD that sucks, but I have gotten past that awkward part of accepting your new body after childbirth. But, I truely beleive I am aging well and look good. I can still turn a few heads. But, I just want to turn his............


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## quizicalfrog (Oct 18, 2008)

I understand the wants- and want many of the same things! 
I want to just have sex period! I want the intimacy back. 
I think you have to fight for it- make it a priority- I got tired of fighting for it- and now it seems further away than ever. 

quizicalfrog


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well ladies there are married guys that have your very same complaint. Somebody here will surely reccomend that you buy that book: "The Five Love Languages," and it does help. You each make a list of the top five things you need from your spouse. I think that some men especially younger, just don't understand the female mind. They don't understand that the little things mean so much, they don't understand that women are mentally driven as well as physically. I wish I would have known years ago what I know now from just the little reading i've done here and elsewhere. Good luck.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

martino said:


> You each make a list of the top five things you need from your spouse....


I recommended making a list of the things we needed from the other, (this was after I found out that my husband was inappropriately talking with a married client) however my husband got upset and did not want to do it.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

sometimes it is the little things and gestures that really amke a marriage work and you have to make an effort to do them.

For instnace...on a whim...

I had flowers sent to my wife while she was a work...

the card read, "you have lovely red hear and Georgous brown eyes, maybe we can have dinner or driks sometime, -Your Secret Admirer. 

She loved them and knew it was me right away.

SOmetimes it is little things like that that keep things going.


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## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

Well it looks like a Barnes & Noble Bookstore day for me today. I will look into aquiring "The Five Love Languages". I know my husband knows that we are in a struggle.....lastnight over dinner while our daughter was throwing her mac-n-cheese across the table and throwing a fit, he asked me about this little get-away spot that one of our couple friends went to for the evening. The first thing that came to my mind was OMG what does he have in store for me....I don't need naked gymnastics to make me happy, I need the little romantic things. "I want" the little things. He mentions that he isn't sure what is wrong nor how to fix it....he just wants to make me happy. I feel guilty for my thoughts. Is it fair for me to mold him to the man I want---why can't I just be accepting that I have a man who is faithfully devoted to making me happy.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Winter said:


> I don't even know what to write....nor would I ever foresee in my wildest dreams I would be on a forum trying to figure it all out. I am in early 30's married 3 years, adore my husband and our 1 year old little girl..... but, I want more romance. I want him to sweep me off my feet....call me and leave me a voice mail to tell me he couldn't resist me when he saw me leave for work in the morning. Or, find a babysitter for our little one take me for a walk by the lake and just make out! I feel like my husband is sad because we aren't as intimate as he'd like us to be. But, I feel like he doesn't lust for me unless I am either already half naked getting ready for bed after long day being at work all day and then being super mom until bedtime or when I am trying to get ready for work and make breakfast and pack lunches all within 45 minutes before a freeway commute...
> 
> When I try to talk to my girlfriends about it that bash me and tell me how lucky I am to have him and he adores me. I feel guilty for wanting more.......
> 
> I am not sure if this forum is the answer but I thought I'd give it a whirl before considering couseling.


Men don't think. Not saying stupid, but just don't think to be this way. Why don't you start thinking of ways to be romantic. Have someone watch your little girl and have a romantic dinner waiting for him when he gets home from work. Set the mood for him with candles and all. Dress beautiful (like a sexy dress) for him, or sexy underwear, which ever you feel like doing.

Ever seen Pretty Woman? The part where he comes home, and she waiting for him with just a tie on? That would work for me.


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## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

*sigh* my ultimate dilema is I want to be "woooo'd". Besides, doing the things mentioned has been done and I believe has inspired him....but, I need to be reasurred that he finds me irresistable. For example, yesterday he was running to Home Depot and he had a pair of old work jeans on and a flannel, for some reason I looked at him and found him undeniably irresistable at that very moment and told him so. I could see the spark in his eye and the extra kick he had in his step when he left... I want that recipicated back to me too! I rarely bother with the lingere anymore because he response has been so blah... I married an extreme conservative who has a difficult time communicating to me on a sexual level.


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## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

well, I have been in a non-romantic reationship for 14 years - he was only romantic twice in that time. I finally had enough when a guy from work showed me for "attention, affection, romance" and realised there is more out there than a weekly sex session after a night in the pub getting drunk! I have left, we are getting divorced and am going out with friends and enjoying myself. I don't want a relationship now because I am enjoying the flirty texts asking me out and the winks/nudges in bars, etc.

My only regret is that I waited 14 years to finally do this......... and I am well aware that I will probably eventually realise what I had was very good and miss it, but I could not go on wondering "what if" as it wasn't fair on me or him.

Anyway - you really need to tell him straight - when I told my husband he wanted to take me away for a romantic weekend, go for long walks, etc.......problem was because I hadn't seen him like for so many years I did not feel comfortable with him acting that way - that's when I knew I had to move on.

Hope you find what you are looking for..... good luck X


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Winter-

I have thrashed this topic to death with my wife! Not because we have a problem with it - we don't, but I wanted to get a woman's opinion about the difference between sex and romance.

Of course, she is only one woman, but she is 46, and knows a thing or two. What she said is this:

Romance and sex are different. Romance does not turn her on sexually. She likes it, it makes her feel good, but it is not sexual. I believe she is able to say this because she has spent some time looking at the issue.

The standard advice given to men who want more sex from their wives is to romance them more. In your case, your hubby would strike gold!

Most husbands, on hearing about romance, immediately reach for the candle-lit dinner. But romance is not any set format, it's whatever makes you feel special, loved and validated.

For many men, what makes them feel validated and cozy, is sex. I am definitely in that group. But my wife likes me to buy her little tokens of appreciation, so I do that from time to time. I praise her a lot as well. However after 19 years, I have stopped her buying me stuff, as it does nothing for me. If she wants to make me feel good, all she has to do is touch me. I'm cheap 

If your hubby wants more sex, and you are not shy to talk about it, why don't you negotiate? Sit him down, and tell him what you are telling us here. But also, ask him what makes him feel good.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Winter-
by the way, how often do you actually have sex?


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## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

Well..I have the book with all the answers, so it is suggested... The Language of Love. From what I skimmed of it, it appears to be on the right path. I was up front with my husband and told him that I bought the book and I am going to attempt to try to do some self help with figuring out how we can get through this little bump. We know we love each other, it is just a matter of communicating a little bit better.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Have you actually told him what you need? I don't think I saw that anywhere. How can he know what you need if you don't tell him? Most men just don't think like that. They have to be told what you want. I know, it sucks, but if that's what we want, we have to ask for it. 

You didn't have to buy the book, just borrow it at the library b/c once you read it it'll click and you shouldn't need to reference it again. Have your husband read it when you're done with it, or shoot, read the thing together! I am awaiting the library to get a CD copy to me for my husband to listen to while he's working... he actually asked when he was going to get it. 

I like the idea of dressing up for him if he'd like that!


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## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

I don't want it to be forced, I want it to come from within. After evaluating threads and topics here I have come to my own conclusions. LOL I think that I doubt myself and somewhere along the lines I stopped believing I was attractive. After having our child I couldn't get that image of swollen ankels and bloated stomach out of my head and thought that even a year later that is how I was perceived. In actuality I am back to "normal" and where I was before the pregnancy. But, if I don't think I am desirable how the heck can I think that my husband finds me that way. Even if he does, I'd would just doubt it. I think I may go back to the drawing board of when I was single and attempt to do those little things I used to just to make myself feel good and attractive. Possibly I got stuck in the terry bathrob and sweatpants rut........


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Winter said:


> But, if I don't think I am desirable how the heck can I think that my husband finds me that way. Even if he does, I'd would just doubt it.


Im caught in this gray area, too. I want my H to show me he's more attracted to me, but I dont really believe it. I want him to some how prove it to me, but I'm starting to see that he cant. so like you, im going back to the drawing board.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

how would you feel if your hubby picked out some clothes that he found you sexy in? I often buy clothes for my wife from various stores and online places as well. 

You have to communicate with your hubby to what you like, sometimes we get into life's ruts.

Having a 1 year old child makes things difficult, when it doesn't half to be. 

I have to make sure I know when my wife is in "mommy mode, wife mode, and hot momma mode"

Maybe sending your hubby some naughy e-mails, text messages will spur some insiration.

Maybe a sexy halloween costume for him, or a sexy halloween party you two can go to.

Sit down go over ideas with each other.

Best of luck


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Winter said:


> I don't want it to be forced, I want it to come from within. After evaluating threads and topics here I have come to my own conclusions. LOL I think that I doubt myself and somewhere along the lines I stopped believing I was attractive. After having our child I couldn't get that image of swollen ankels and bloated stomach out of my head and thought that even a year later that is how I was perceived. In actuality I am back to "normal" and where I was before the pregnancy. But, if I don't think I am desirable how the heck can I think that my husband finds me that way. Even if he does, I'd would just doubt it. I think I may go back to the drawing board of when I was single and attempt to do those little things I used to just to make myself feel good and attractive. Possibly I got stuck in the terry bathrob and sweatpants rut........


this is one of my big issues in my marriage. i love my wife and even though we have both aged over our 20 years together, i still find her very attractive and desirable, although i'm convinced she has self esteem issues with her appearance. THIS IS A HUGE TURNOFF FOR ME!!!! She doesn't wear frillies, she has become guarded and conservative during intimacy and i find it boring as hell. she has become a major slob which doesn't help either.

point is, have confidence in yourself. don't make him feel like he has to work for sex, show interest in intimacy. he will respond. i talk to alot of my buds about this subject and one thing we all agree on.....men spend a great deal of time during the first part of a relationship "chasing" and "courting" the women, hoping for the "payoff."  women basically have the right of refusal during that time and use it to their advantage (you know it). that cat and mouse game wears thin later in the relationship to the point that alot of men quit trying. i know that is a harsh assessment, but i believe it, i live it.


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## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

The male feedback is much appreciated. I agree I need to work a bit more on putting forth more effort. This point has been noted, and I have already begun working on it as of last night. Results were moderate......is it too awkward to expect him to maybe say something like wow that was great or I enjoyed it when you did.... I mean is that not in male "thinking"? I just have to throw this in there on a side note--I am not a slob or rolley polley....I have just become the cookie cutter mom look and have lost a bit of the "it" factor that I once had. BUT, again I am working on that and it has not gone un-noticed....but instead of a compliment I get responses along the lines of comical humor suggesting I am seeking attention from a possible collegaue or the college kid at Starbucks...LOL Somehow I feel like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

no, it's not to much to ask for reciprocation, thats part of the give and take


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

the teasing of you getting back inshape is a male compliment...

I tease my wife all the time, telling her she is a MILF or a cougar.

I help her work out, I help her with free weights and and aerobic routine. She is starting to look smoking hot. :smthumbup:

Is your hubby in good shape? does he work out? if not and he makes that comment again. Just say, " yep, that college kid at star bucks is real cute" watch the jealousy ensure...lol

when he makes comments like that, just give it back to him. 

As we get older we have to keep in shape, including working out, a good diet is the key, and a good diet I mean 5-6 meals a day small meals and healthy ones, none of these fad diets.

Take pride in your exercise and do it for you, and so what if the college boys hit on you...means you're smoking hot baby! yea! :smthumbup:

nothing more in the world my wife likes is then a good compliment, so his comment about the "college kid" is just that a compliment, saying...he is noticing you are getting in shape and likes it.

As him, So honey, how about when I drop a dress size, I buy a nice dress and you take me out for a hot date...see what he says and see if he executes.

Sometimes you need to lead the horse to the water before he will drink....lead that stubborn mule!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

bhappy3 said:


> Have you actually told him what you need? I don't think I saw that anywhere. How can he know what you need if you don't tell him? Most men just don't think like that. They have to be told what you want. I know, it sucks, but if that's what we want, we have to ask for it.


Winter-
You are asking him to be telepathic. You need to negotiate. Sex for romance. The fact that he wants sex all the time shows that he already thinks you are fanciable. But you and he are not speaking the same language. 

Somebody wanting sex with you is not enough to convince you that you are desirable. You need to tell him that, because he will have absolutely no idea.

By the same token, your not wanting sex with him will make him think you don't find him attractive. Did you know that? If you don't act soon, he will start, looking for that affirmation from someone else.


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## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

It is getting a bit better.....we have picked things up in the intamcy arena---it is kinda catching him off guard but he is rolling with it.LOL I took a stab at telling him something that turned me off and he said he was clueless it turned me off. I hate when he sweet talks in a higher voice to me.....it is odd and just not my thing. I am not even sure when or why he started doing it, but I was able to tell him lastnight that he can hold off on doing that. After I said it, he got quiet.....then he laughed it off and things progressed so, I think we are definitely better than we were a week ago. But, we still have a long road ahead. I know his needs are being understood and the sex is welcomed but, I am still in need of more reassurance and "little things". Hopefully as we progress with ready The 5 Love Languages we will get more worked out. Nontheless Friday night is my "vodka tonic night" with the ladies and I can't wait to tell them about the book...


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## Winter (Oct 18, 2008)

PS..I need to get spell check...I really am ed-um-acated..LOL


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