# My Wife is Emotionally Numb?



## Alpinglow

About a month ago, my wife shocked me by telling me that she 'needed space' and wanted to consider moving out. We have two beautiful little kids who adore their parents and have (what I thought was a great) suburban great life together. The problem is that she comes from a divorced family and had some tough times as a kid. When she experienced extreme situations as a kid, she coped by emotionally detaching and shutting those people out. She didn't know she was doing this, but her therapist has recently helped her understand this.

Over the years I have begun to repeat a pattern that my Dad always did to my Mom of 'snapping' at my wife during times when I am very stressed. This doesn't happen often, maybe once a year, but when it does it really affects her. Its not about her, its about me not being able to deal with my stress well. When I 'snap' I don't yell or scream, but I can be derogatory and demeaning. I always apologize shortly after, but by then the damage is done. My Dad has been like this to my mom for years, and I hate that I have continued the trend with my amazing wife. 

The last time I 'snapped' was in August and she claims that's when she 'went numb' and hasn't really been able to feel anything for me since. We are still very amicable and our day to day interactions are fine. That being said, she shows me no affection, won't talk about a future together and regularly discusses separation / divorce. ON the flip side of that coin, she still says she loves me every day and talks about what a great friendship we have.

While the snapping issue obviously affects her deeply, it is something I've seen on other couples as well. I bring that up only to say that while its not right, so its not horrible yelling and screaming or anything like that. Also, it has not happened since August in any way. I am working hard on it, and tell her how much I love her every chance I get.

We have tried martial and individual counseling, but haven't landed on a marital counselor that works for us yet. My main question is....has anyone had experience with this 'emotional numbness' and or detachment? Is there any coming back from it? If so, how?


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## lifeistooshort

So you ridicule and demean her, then expect her to get over it. When she doesn't you point out that it's not so horrible, basically ignoring what she feels. 

What if she snapped once in a while and told you your c0ck was too small, then apologized and said it wasn't a big deal? 

Words can hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch

lifeistooshort said:


> So you ridicule and demean her, then expect her to get over it. When she doesn't you point out that it's not so horrible, basically ignoring what she feels.
> 
> What if she snapped once in a while and told you your c0ck was too small, then apologized and said it wasn't a big deal?
> 
> Words can hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You sound really bitter and angry. 

How does this help the OP or even his wife for that matter?


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## Alpinglow

lifeistooshort said:


> So you ridicule and demean her, then expect her to get over it. When she doesn't you point out that it's not so horrible, basically ignoring what she feels.
> 
> What if she snapped once in a while and told you your c0ck was too small, then apologized and said it wasn't a big deal?
> 
> Words can hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right, and I'm not making myself out to be a saint. I'm trying how to figure out how to try to keep my marriage together and focus on the thousands of good times we had, not the handful of bad. I didn't mention this before but just so you know...when she broke this news to me I found out she was having an affair (albeit just a few dates over 3 weeks). She also snapped at me from time to time, but I let it roll off my back. No one is perfect, just trying to pick up the pieces here.


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## Chaparral

You need to tell the whole story instead of trickle truthing it out.

Have a moderator move this to the infidelity section. 

Snapping at a spouse doesn't cause them to cheat. But cheating will sure make one snap.


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## Alpinglow

Chaparral said:


> You need to tell the whole story instead of trickle truthing it out.
> 
> Have a moderator move this to the infidelity section.
> 
> Snapping at a spouse doesn't cause them to cheat. But cheating will sure make one snap.


I have an in depth thread about the affair in the infidelity section. I'm trying to understand this emotional numbness thing. Maybe the affair happened and that caused the numbness, but maybe the numbness cause the affair. I'm leaning towards the latter as I look back and put all the pieces together. Not letting anyone off the hook...just trying to leverage the knowledge/experience of others.


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## ButtPunch

Have you verified no contact with the AP. No contact letter written. Exposure been done to family and friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais

What do you say when you "snap?"

How do you feel about her infideltiy? Have you both explored it in depth or did you rug sweep?

Are you sure she is not still involved with the guy?


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## lifeistooshort

Yes, the affair piece is important. It will be hard for you to address anything as long as it's going on. 

You'll also need to address your own behavior for yourself, so you can be better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow

Op, completely separate from her affair: 

Yes, angry outbursts are damaging to marriages. I think Life's example is relavent, in that if your wife made snippy, degrading comments yearly about your lack of bedroom skills, year after year, it would very likely affect you over time. Another poster, Turena, offered the example of getting punched in the nose. If your wife socked you in the nose every so often, even if only once a year, you're going to put and maintain some distance between you, right? Angry outbursts create distance in marriages and other relationships. 

Angry outbursts don't give anyone a license to cheat. Its good to reduce, and preferably eliminate, your angry outbursts.


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## ButtPunch

Stick to one thread....

Your wife is numb because she loves someone else.

It's that simple. Don't rugsweep.


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## Alpinglow

ButtPunch said:


> Stick to one thread....
> 
> Your wife is numb because she loves someone else.
> 
> It's that simple. Don't rugsweep.


This is exactly why I didn't want to bring up the affair. Go read my other post if you want details on the affair...I'm not rug sweeping. I'm just putting it behind us to try to understand what the root cause of her straying in the first place was. 

The numbness started before the affair, I saw it and I know the minute it happened. I'm trying to understand if this is a clinically recognized condition and if so, can it be overcome.


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## RoseAglow

There are any number of reasons why people cheat (love, sex, revenge, and so on) but one thing every cheater has in common: they let their AP in past their marital boundaries. Reduction/release of marital boundaries is the first step in every affair, regardless of what ended up bring the Main driver. Fix the boundaries (easier said than done) and you're half-way into recovery.

If you want to have a great marriage, eliminate your "love busting" behaviors and learn to meet each others emotional needs. It is possible to overcome what you're calling numbness. The term I'm familiar with is "withdrawal", as in, she is extremely withdrawn from you. She shut down on you. You have three states of marriage: intimacy, conflict, and withdrawal. If you want your marriage to get back to intimacy, you need to go through conflict first. You can't lovebust during conflict. Another angry outburst will just put her back into withdrawal. 

ETA: I haven't read your other thread, so I don't know if the affair is on-going. You can't have a great marriage until the affair is dead. Once the affair is dead, you can work on building a great marriage.

TAM is a great resource. I also strongly recommend that you pick up Surviving an Affair, Love Busters, And His Needs Her Needs, all by Willard Harley. He maps it all out very clearly.


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## lifeistooshort

ButtPunch said:


> You sound really bitter and angry.
> 
> How does this help the OP or even his wife for that matter?


Pointing out that words hurt makes me bitter and angry?

OK then, whatever you say. 

It helps because he doesn't seem to grasp this, as evidenced by the fact that he claims it's not such a big deal. Except that nasty words can be a big deal, which is why a chose the c0ck example. Many guys would have trouble getting past that, especially with a wife who brushed it off as not so bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

ButtPunch said:


> Stick to one thread....
> 
> Your wife is numb because she loves someone else.
> 
> It's that simple. Don't rugsweep.


Sure, that's it 

I forget that once an affair is involved nothing else matters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky

Alpinglow said:


> This is exactly why I didn't want to bring up the affair. Go read my other post if you want details on the affair...I'm not rug sweeping. I'm just putting it behind us to try to understand what the root cause of her straying in the first place was.
> 
> The numbness started before the affair, I saw it and I know the minute it happened. I'm trying to understand if this is a clinically recognized condition and if so, can it be overcome.


To think the two are not intricately intertwined is to lie to yourself.

But it is obvious you are happier that way.

Best of luck.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## ButtPunch

lifeistooshort said:


> Pointing out that words hurt makes me bitter and angry?
> 
> OK then, whatever you say.
> 
> It helps because he doesn't seem to grasp this, as evidenced by the fact that he claims it's not such a big deal. Except that nasty words can be a big deal, which is why a chose the c0ck example. Many guys would have trouble getting past that, especially with a wife who brushed it off as not so bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whatever....He owns whatever misgivings he has in his first post. 

You are just belittling him because you are projecting. I'm almost certain you came from an abusive relationship in your past.


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## lifeistooshort

ButtPunch said:


> Whatever....He owns whatever misgivings he has in his first post.
> 
> You are just belittling him because you are projecting. I'm almost certain you came from an abusive relationship in your past.


I'm not surprised you'd assume that given the fact that so many on TAM are trained psychologists and can diagnose all kinds of stuff over the internet.

Whatever. 

He owns it for sure but doesn't seem to grasp the damage it does.

I might also point out that you project all the time where cheating is concerned given that your wife cheated. So I guess that means you have nothing to offer where cheating is concerned? That must also mean that nobody who's been cheated on should be posting in cheating threads because they're all projecting.

Even if I had been in an abusive relationship why does that mean that whatever I say is projecting and therefore invalid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not surprised you'd assume that given the fact that so many on TAM are trained psychologists and can diagnose all kinds of stuff over the internet.
> 
> Whatever.
> 
> He owns it for sure but doesn't seem to grasp the damage it does.
> 
> I might also point out that you project all the time where cheating is concerned given that your wife cheated. So I guess that means you have nothing to offer where cheating is concerned? That must also mean that nobody who's been cheated on should be posting in cheating threads because they're all projecting.
> 
> Even if I had been in an abusive relationship why does that mean that whatever I say is projecting and therefore invalid?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because he clearly owned it and your response ignored that fact.

Did he not own it good enough for you?


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## lifeistooshort

ButtPunch said:


> Because he clearly owned it and your response ignored that fact.
> 
> Did he not own it good enough for you?


Nope, I think it's great that he owned it. I just don't think he grasped the damage it did, as evidenced by his comments about it not being so bad and there being many more good times. 

Cheating wives have come on TAM and openly acknowledged that their cheating was wrong only to be torn up because posters don't think she grasps the damage. 

Sometimes it's warranted because she doesn't grasp it.

But isn't the fact that she acknowledged and owned it enough? Why can't her hb let it go, especially considering they had so many more good times? 

Because it's enormously damaging and it's not until she gets it that they can begin the healing process. 

Whatever he said after I made my original post can't be factored into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alpinglow

RoseAglow said:


> There are any number of reasons why people cheat (love, sex, revenge, and so on) but one thing every cheater has in common: they let their AP in past their marital boundaries. Reduction/release of marital boundaries is the first step in every affair, regardless of what ended up bring the Main driver. Fix the boundaries (easier said than done) and you're half-way into recovery.
> 
> If you want to have a great marriage, eliminate your "love busting" behaviors and learn to meet each others emotional needs. It is possible to overcome what you're calling numbness. The term I'm familiar with is "withdrawal", as in, she is extremely withdrawn from you. She shut down on you. You have three states of marriage: intimacy, conflict, and withdrawal. If you want your marriage to get back to intimacy, you need to go through conflict first. You can't lovebust during conflict. Another angry outburst will just put her back into withdrawal.
> 
> ETA: I haven't read your other thread, so I don't know if the affair is on-going. You can't have a great marriage until the affair is dead. Once the affair is dead, you can work on building a great marriage.
> 
> TAM is a great resource. I also strongly recommend that you pick up Surviving an Affair, Love Busters, And His Needs Her Needs, all by Willard Harley. He maps it all out very clearly.


Good advice...and I haven barely disagreed with her since this happened. Nothing even approaching an outburst. Best I can tell the affair is over. I think what you are saying is that we need to work through this period of conflict without causing any more damage and there may be hope. If so that's advice I can use. Its just been hard to see no progress and not really be able to talk about it (as she kind of shuts down when I try).


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## ButtPunch

Most wayward spouses blameshift and rewrite marital history. Most betrayed spouses are in such a state of shock and in order to save their marriage they believe the lies. They think because they raised their voice a couple of times 1982 they are to blame. Everyone has faults so the BS magnifies his own hoping to fix his marriage. 

There is no such thing as 100% but if you read these threads most of them follow the same script. 

OP

How are you verifying that the affair is over.
Have you exposed to friends and family?
Has the OM been outed?
Read Gridcoms thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

farsidejunky said:


> To think the two are not intricately intertwined is to lie to yourself.
> 
> But it is obvious you are happier that way.
> 
> Best of luck.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I think he's using THIS thread to ask about what it's like to be a woman married to someone you cannot trust to protect you. So I'll answer that. And then go find the other thread to talk about THAT aspect of your marriage.

Yes, women go numb when their man believes he has the right to demean her. I'm sure you wooed her with promises of love and protection and cherishing her. And you lied. Good to know.

And your attitude about 'well, at least I didn't hit her' is disgusting. Women need SAFE emotional connections and each time you belittle her you wound her beyond any physical scar - the ONE person in life that she chose to protect her, chooses to call her names and tear her down, all because HE can't handle HIS stress. And she is the one person he feels safe enough to verbally beat up on. Everybody else, he still caters to and presents a good image to. The one person you professed to love and cherish is the one person you felt it was ok to treat like sh*t.

And that is EXACTLY how women grow numb to their husbands. And, typically, they TELL their husbands they're falling out of love or are unhappy and the husbands, frankly, just hear some sort of buzzing noise flying around their ears.

Until they get slammed in the face with "I'm leaving" or "I'm having an affair."

THEN they wake up and care and think 'what have I done?'

To address THIS aspect of your marriage, get this book; it's the best one I know to help you fix it.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Busters-Protecting-Marriage-Romantic-ebook/dp/B00B76T4CQ

Now off to help with the cheating. (and know that my advice in THAT thread will be to kick her to the curb, at least initially)


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## RoseAglow

Alpinglow said:


> Good advice...and I haven barely disagreed with her since this happened. Nothing even approaching an outburst. Best I can tell the affair is over. I think what you are saying is that we need to work through this period of conflict without causing any more damage and there may be hope. If so that's advice I can use. Its just been hard to see no progress and not really be able to talk about it (as she kind of shuts down when I try).


I caught up with your thread. I believe @anchorwatch gave you the links to MB's basic concepts. I strongly second his recommendation to go check them out online. I think the links will help you make sense of things.

Even without an affair, it takes time and effort to bring a withdrawn spouse back into conflict, then over to intimacy. An affair makes its harder because the wayward spouse generally goes through a period of withdrawal from the affair. It takes a while to build up the love in a withdrawn partner. You often can't see it building up, you only see a response once the "love bank" deposits cross the threshold. Don't get discouraged. 

Do not talk with her about your relationship right now. You can see she shuts down when you do it. Just avoid love busters, try to meet her emotional needs (the MB website will help you figure out what they are) and snoop to make sure that she really is not in any contact with her ex Affair partner. It's all a lost cause if she's still in contact, or sneaking peeks at his social media, etc. See if she will agree to the Extraordinary precautions on the MB website and that should be the only relationship talk right now. As long as she is completely out of contact, there's hope.


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## anchorwatch

If you're not happy with the MC process or progress, have you considered using something like this?

These are for marriages in the midst of crises... 

Save My Marriage | A New Beginning | Couples Workshop For Troubled Marriages

Marriage seminars, retreat and marriage workshops.

Marriage Help Program For Couples

Call them, even if they're not close, someone will speak to you and give you some options. What can you lose, your marriage? 

Best


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## Alpinglow

turnera said:


> I think he's using THIS thread to ask about what it's like to be a woman married to someone you cannot trust to protect you. So I'll answer that. And then go find the other thread to talk about THAT aspect of your marriage.
> 
> Yes, women go numb when their man believes he has the right to demean her. I'm sure you wooed her with promises of love and protection and cherishing her. And you lied. Good to know.
> 
> And your attitude about 'well, at least I didn't hit her' is disgusting. Women need SAFE emotional connections and each time you belittle her you wound her beyond any physical scar - the ONE person in life that she chose to protect her, chooses to call her names and tear her down, all because HE can't handle HIS stress. And she is the one person he feels safe enough to verbally beat up on. Everybody else, he still caters to and presents a good image to. The one person you professed to love and cherish is the one person you felt it was ok to treat like sh*t.
> 
> And that is EXACTLY how women grow numb to their husbands. And, typically, they TELL their husbands they're falling out of love or are unhappy and the husbands, frankly, just hear some sort of buzzing noise flying around their ears.
> 
> Until they get slammed in the face with "I'm leaving" or "I'm having an affair."
> 
> THEN they wake up and care and think 'what have I done?'
> 
> To address THIS aspect of your marriage, get this book; it's the best one I know to help you fix it.
> http://www.amazon.com/Love-Busters-Protecting-Marriage-Romantic-ebook/dp/B00B76T4CQ
> 
> Now off to help with the cheating. (and know that my advice in THAT thread will be to kick her to the curb, at least initially)


Wow, very powerful and humbling. Just about everything you are saying is accurate....including her 'warning' me about the consequences of speaking to her like that, which I obviously did not heed. Thank you for the candid and potent advice. Clearly I have some work to do.


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## Alpinglow

RoseAglow said:


> I caught up with your thread. I believe @anchorwatch gave you the links to MB's basic concepts. I strongly second his recommendation to go check them out online. I think the links will help you make sense of things.
> 
> Even without an affair, it takes time and effort to bring a withdrawn spouse back into conflict, then over to intimacy. An affair makes its harder because the wayward spouse generally goes through a period of withdrawal from the affair. It takes a while to build up the love in a withdrawn partner. You often can't see it building up, you only see a response once the "love bank" deposits cross the threshold. Don't get discouraged.
> 
> Do not talk with her about your relationship right now. You can see she shuts down when you do it. Just avoid love busters, try to meet her emotional needs (the MB website will help you figure out what they are) and snoop to make sure that she really is not in any contact with her ex Affair partner. It's all a lost cause if she's still in contact, or sneaking peeks at his social media, etc. See if she will agree to the Extraordinary precautions on the MB website and that should be the only relationship talk right now. As long as she is completely out of contact, there's hope.


Thanks! Knowing my situation is not unique is enormously helpful. I'll check out the MB website now....


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## turnera

Just don't get sucked into their forum. It's toxic.


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## anchorwatch

Stubbornness, anger and resentment may work against an opponent, but your wife is part of the same team. 

Glad to hear you're finally considering reading materials that can help you gain more knowledge. 

A woman needs to feel safe with her man, in order to get close to him. You'll need to be that man before she can consider you as someone she wants to be with. You don't foster an emotional connection with someone by being inconsiderate of her needs. If this is your goal, you can make the changes in yourself and hopefully she will join you in creating a better relationship. 

Best


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## Alpinglow

turnera said:


> Just don't get sucked into their forum. It's toxic.


I've noticed. I cut bait when they started talking about bugging her car. :rules:


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## Marc878

I once had to stay home after a layoff while the wife worked. It gave me a whole new perspective on hard hard a job that is. I was glad to get back to work and let her become a SAHM.

My work is stressful but I learned to bite my tongue (don't bring your work home with you, you have to learn to turn it off), do your share at home as well and it's helpful to discuss your day so she knows what you're going through and vise versa. Keeping the home and raising the kids is just as important as your job. 

Showing appreciation is important. Women seem to understand and do this naturally. Men have to learn it.

Good luck


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## RoseAglow

turnera said:


> Just don't get sucked into their forum. It's toxic.





Alpinglow said:


> I've noticed. I cut bait when they started talking about bugging her car. :rules:


You'll find advice to VAR a car on TAM, too. That is good advice when someone is trying to find out if their spouse is cheating. You're past that. 

Still, I really encourage you to continue to snoop and check on your wife to make sure that she isn't somehow in contact with her AP, check her phone sometimes, a key logger is a good tool. Your wife is breaking an addiction, it is helpful to add some accountability. It helps you figure out the next tight step, too. If she's checking out his LinkedIn, that is still her getting a "hit" and it will keep the addiction going. You can shore up any weak spots, but only if you know about them. 

I strongly agree with Turnera about the MB forums. There is no room for any dissent or deviation on those forums. Instead of the forums, you can email Dr. Harley personally and get his thoughts and recommendations. I've done it and found him to be very helpful. That's what I recommend as well. [email protected] It's free and they will even send you one of their books at no cost if you're in the US.


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## Alpinglow

RoseAglow said:


> I caught up with your thread. I believe @anchorwatch gave you the links to MB's basic concepts. I strongly second his recommendation to go check them out online. I think the links will help you make sense of things.
> 
> Even without an affair, it takes time and effort to bring a withdrawn spouse back into conflict, then over to intimacy. An affair makes its harder because the wayward spouse generally goes through a period of withdrawal from the affair. It takes a while to build up the love in a withdrawn partner. You often can't see it building up, you only see a response once the "love bank" deposits cross the threshold. Don't get discouraged.
> 
> Do not talk with her about your relationship right now. You can see she shuts down when you do it. Just avoid love busters, try to meet her emotional needs (the MB website will help you figure out what they are) and snoop to make sure that she really is not in any contact with her ex Affair partner. It's all a lost cause if she's still in contact, or sneaking peeks at his social media, etc. See if she will agree to the Extraordinary precautions on the MB website and that should be the only relationship talk right now. As long as she is completely out of contact, there's hope.


I'm having trouble finding this MB basic concepts link. Would someone mind posting it?


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## anchorwatch

Here... Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts


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## Lilac23

Dead thread? I think you have multiple issues, 1. yourself 2. relationship with the wife 3. the affair. For 1, have you ever taken an anger management class? It may help you find more positive ways to handle yourself when you get mad. For 2, are you two in therapy? You have to learn how to communicate with each other and meet each other's needs, that doesn't happen overnight, looooong process. For 3, it must be over for you to even begin working on the marriage, how do you know it's over? Has she told you this or shown you some sort of proof?


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## 343651

Alpinglow said:


> You're right, and I'm not making myself out to be a saint. I'm trying how to figure out how to try to keep my marriage together and focus on the thousands of good times we had, not the handful of bad. I didn't mention this before but just so you know...when she broke this news to me I found out she was having an affair (albeit just a few dates over 3 weeks). She also snapped at me from time to time, but I let it roll off my back. No one is perfect, just trying to pick up the pieces here.


hey there just wondering if the emotional numbness went away for your wife and you were able to have a successful marriage, I'm kind of in the same boat I did some horrible things to my wife and she emotionally detached and I'm trying to work on us and I want her to be able to feel again especially for our marriage and towards myself


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## EleGirl

Anthony1024 said:


> hey there just wondering if the emotional numbness went away for your wife and you were able to have a successful marriage, I'm kind of in the same boat I did some horrible things to my wife and she emotionally detached and I'm trying to work on us and I want her to be able to feel again especially for our marriage and towards myself


The guy who started this thread has not been back here since 2015. I think it's safe to assume he's not going to reply to your post. Why not start your own thread and tell us what going on and what we can help with? 

I'm sure that there are plenty here who will give you good input.

I am closing this thread.


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