# Looks like I'm getting a divorce but I don't know why – warning its long



## Joe2392 (Jan 19, 2011)

Warning, this is kind of long but this is about the whole story 

I'm new to this and never thought I would be going down this road. I need some advice or someones take on this. My friends and family cant seem to understand this also. 

I'm 40 shes 32. We have a 4 ½ and a 3 year old. 

We met and dated for about 6 months until she moved in with me at my house where I lived alone in Florida. We had a very happy life together, we traveled, went out, danced, and really enjoyed each other. During that time, she did not like working at her job as a title clerk so I said quit and teach and I will cover the bills. After about 6 months of living together, I bought a larger house from the equity that I built up from my previous house from aggressively paying it down over 7 years before I met her. I purposed about 2 months later and we set a date to be married I paid off most of her debit before we married, I forget the exact number but it was around 12k. I didn't pay off her student loans because they we at such a low interest rate. Before our wedding she said that she didn't want to teach anymore and she wanted to work in a day care center. I said thats fine, what ever makes you happy. We got married. Seven months later our daughter was born (she was a premature baby) and she quit working. The bills were tight but I knew that it was a good thing for her to be with the child. She then informed me that she wanted to not work until our daughter was in kindergarten, that was a possibility because it did not seem like that much. A year later we got pregnant with our son and he was born about 7 month later (he was a premature baby also). Having two premature babies was starting to get expensive because we had individual health insurance with a high deductible. I believed that I could financially swing it and I worked a lot more to make enough money but it was very tight. I went through most of all the savings that I had. She did not have any savings / stocks / bonds / nothing. We lived on a financial razor edge for about a year and a half until all hell happened. 

We had a home invasion while she was in our house in Florida. She and the kids were ok but it really shook her up. She said that she would never stay in that house unless someone was with her. S o we had to cook up a plan. The plan that we made was for everyone to move to Pennsylvania where its a safe environment and where we have family. I would fly back and forth every week to home / work for 3 years until I could get employment in PA. That plan would put a further financial strain on an already bleak station. I packed up everything and moved us up to a rented town house in PA. We lived there for about 6-months. Almost immediately, I sensed that she was unhappy. I'm sure it was the trauma of having a home invasion, me only being home 3 days a week, and her being in a totally new place with no friends of her own. I tried to make her happy it seemed that she was not no matter what I did. Note that we had a great relationship and marriage up until the home invasion. After about 6-months, her aunt died. She was close to her and she left her 10k inheritance. She lied to me and said it was 5k, I pressed saying that I needed the check for tax purposes because something wasn't adding up. She later confessed that it was 10k and she spent it because she said that it was her own money. I let it pass because I loved her and I didn't want to make it a huge issue. Our town house rental lease was ending in the summer time and we were looking for a home to move into. I had managed to save about 30k for a down payment on a house, thats all I had. We found a house and applied for the loan. The loan officer called me and asked if I knew that she had 35k of revolving credit card debit and later found out that she had those cards / debt for about 3 years.. I had no idea, she hid it from me, I just assumed that she was being financially responsible and didnt have any debeit. I confronted her and she blew up and got very frustrated and mad at me because I found out. I was upset as well and after talking with some people came to the conclusion that maybe the route of her issue was the debit that was eating her up inside. I paid off ¾ of her debit, I could not afford any more. We had to settle for a much more modest house. We been in this current house for about 6 months and Jan 21st (our 5 year anniversary) she informed me that she filed divorce papers. I was devastated …. 

We have been fighting for about 6 months about you name it, anything that we disagree on becomes a battle. My wife made it pretty clear that she does not want to work it out and she wants a divorce. I do not and would like to give counseling a try but she does not. She will not get specific and tell me why she wants a divorce. The only thing that she says is that she not happy and she hasn't been in a while. She also says that I don't pay as much attention to her anymore. She has only been considering divorce for two months and after two months apparently she convinced from talking with her peers that this is the right thing to do. I just ant figure it out. I'm a great father, try to be a good husband, and good provider. I have never been physically or mentally abusive. I don't go out drinking. I don't gamble, I'm not an Internet head or gamer, I don't smoke or do any kind of drugs, I have never cheated, I'm in great shape (her and I use to do triathlons together), I'm a decent looking guy / looks have not changed. When I'm in town and I'm not remotely working on my computer on the weekdays, I'm always with my kids doing stuff. I'm always trying to make her happy, we go out as much as we can get a sitter, I complement her and tell her that I love her all the time. I mean I really treat her like a queen.... its just not working for her for what ever reason. What the hell could it be.. the only thing I can think of is another man. She says no and really stands by that but I'm almost convinced that there has to be a guy.

Now it seems we are moving forward with the divorce and working out all of the custody & financial details. We are actually getting along better now than we have in months. It just baffles me that she wants to split up our family, share custody with me of our kids, move into a small townhouse, and get a job where we will be more than likely be working 20-30 hours a week so our kids will now have to be in some kind of day care situation. The exact situation that we never wanted them to be in. We have really great kids and I just want the best for them and I just dont think this is going t turn out good for them,

Many guys have told me that I give her too much in our relationship. I'm beginning to think that might be true, should I have been a **** and treated her like crap? Shes a product an abusive father and her mother disowned her. She was emancipated when she was around 15/16 and lived in with a relative. She really had a rough childhood. I knew these thing getting into the relationship but I always thought that if I loved her and provided a better life than she had, then she would be happy. 

There is more but those are the main points, sorry for being so long.... 

Does anyone have a take on this


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

long [email protected]@ thread, but got thru most of it.

I have read that being so giving can have its draw back, almost like spoiling a child. You can emotionaly support her and show her affection, but in the same breath be strick and assertive to a degree, so as to be specific in what you expect and what you tolorate.

See I screwed up and never had any boundries for my family to follow, things just fell into place and I reacted, instead of being proactive by setting rules and boundries in the home.

So no you dont have to be an [email protected]@ hole and treat her like crap, but you should have and still can set boundries. Now you will need to set boundries so as to prevent from getting hurt in the future.

You were trying to make her happy by babying her, she is the only one that can make her self happy. 

I hope this gives you some perspective, and remember you can't control her but you can control what you do and what you will tolorate. Stay confident in that you will over come this with or with out her. So no begging or pleading from here on out set up the walls that will protect you from getting more hurt , these are the boundries that you must establish.

Who know she may find the new you attractive.
Good luck in finding the change that will empower you, and if she likes what she sees invite her along.


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## Nibiru (Jan 26, 2011)

> .....she left her 10k inheritance. She lied to me and said it was 5k.....
> .....she had 35k of revolving credit card debit.....
> *.....working out all of the *custody & *financial details*. We are actually getting along better now than we have in months.


It sounds as though she is financially irresponsible (she's probably racked up more, since you paid most of it out for her), and can see $$$s coming her way.
She's putting herself under a lot of stress with her debts, and is probably angry about that, thus the fights. But now the divorce is coming, the prospect of getting money - your's - has placated her.

It seems to me, she needs assistance to control her spending - whether it's gambling, or just "retail therapy", because once she's apent her part of what she gets from the divorce, she'll be back to you, looking for more.

Well, that's my take on things, and it might be totally wrong......or......


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

That's really sad. Don't be an [email protected]@. She's just not really all there.

Based on your writing, I think she has another guy and she wants your money as Nibiru had said. Since it sounds like she spent her CC and the money from her aunt passing away without being honest to you, it sounds like she was searching for a reason to be independent (as in not having to answer to anyone). Also being married with children sometimes make the husband forget that his wife sometimes needs to physically look and feel attractive...so, that can also be a factor (that she feels she's missed out on that sexiness period of her life). She is only 32. The best part of her life was with you and with children (attached and confined to children). She's just realized how much fun she's missed not having the opportunity to be a single adult: being the sole decision maker for herself and her (and your) kids, deciding how she wants to look and who she wants to talk to etc. It's tempting but not only that, it's sometimes just a crazy urge as a woman in today's society. 

It sounds like divorce is the way with her. Just continue to be a loving father to your kids.


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## Wonder66 (Jan 21, 2011)

Go to marriage counceling


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Sounds like she didn't respect you and used you as a meal ticket from 6 months into the relationship. I am very sorry you're going through this, but no-one deserves to be decieved in a marriage. Whatever her reasons may be, she hasn't behaved fairly to you, or upheld your vows, and I think your focus should now be on making an arrangement that most suits you and your kids. 

ps. don't think you should change and be a d1ck. You just found a bad apple in the bunch, don't become one yourself.


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## Joe2392 (Jan 19, 2011)

I returned home from my work on Thursday night and snooped around on Friday morning. I sliced opened he garbage bag that was in the garage and found a condom wrapper with used condom inside with a load in it. I also found a used box of the morning after pill, pill used / gone and the receipt was dated this past Tuesday. This guy has been in my house and they have had sex in my house while my kids slept upstairs. I found out a lot of other crap like shes been seeing this guy behind my back for about a month and half. Shes got some new credit cards, she been on dating sites, she basically lied to me about everything for 2 months. 

Now, I'm getting divorced but I have to treat her fail because we have two little kids... its just not fail that she gets to have fun, do what makes her happy, have a boyfriend, and now gets to live in a place paid for by me. I'm stuck holding the sh-t bag of feeling, responsibility, debit, and pain. 

I just cant believe it, I got some valium to help me think. I am just completely sickened by this woman.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

Joe2392 said:


> I returned home from my work on Thursday night and snooped around on Friday morning. I sliced opened he garbage bag that was in the garage and found a condom wrapper with used condom inside with a load in it. I also found a used box of the morning after pill, pill used / gone and the receipt was dated this past Tuesday. This guy has been in my house and they have had sex in my house while my kids slept upstairs. I found out a lot of other crap like shes been seeing this guy behind my back for about a month and half. Shes got some new credit cards, she been on dating sites, she basically lied to me about everything for 2 months.
> 
> Now, I'm getting divorced but I have to treat her fail because we have two little kids... its just not fail that she gets to have fun, do what makes her happy, have a boyfriend, and now gets to live in a place paid for by me. I'm stuck holding the sh-t bag of feeling, responsibility, debit, and pain.
> 
> I just cant believe it, I got some valium to help me think. I am just completely sickened by this woman.


i feel sick for you just reading this.
she should be treating you like a king for the way she has been loved by you.
who ever you end up with after you heal will be a lucky woman who i hope will treat you like you should be treated.

keep checking in because others will tell you how you should proceed from here,im not sure but i think you should not confront her that you know anything and keep gathering evidence.maybe hire a PI when you leave back to work.
its a shame she has been home not working because you will probly have to support her for awhile while she is able to get back on her feet.but maybe with evidence from a PI,it might help the court not give her as much because of her cheating,i dont know.
i will be following your post,and i wish you well.
i will say,i do see her kicking herself in the butt for losing you,she will no what she had once this is over and reality kicks her in her ass.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Read the man up threads in the Men's Clubhouse. The google effective limit setting. She sounds like a spoiled child. But she is YOUR spoiled child and the mother of your children. It may be too late. Don't know. And yes, a man on the side could be your underlying issue. Find out.

Sorry to read your story. 

S


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