# Depressed wife, won't get help



## Ferrier208 (Apr 24, 2011)

Hello, thanks for reading.
My wife is seriously depressed, but she won't go get help from a therapist, either with me or without me.
She is convinced the only way she will get better is if I join the millitary, and then when I am moved to a base she will get away from her family and feel independant. She will also be away from me, which she says she wants.
I don't think this will solve anything, and she is just so depressed she will try anything except taking some responsibility for it. I get blamed for everything (some stuff I am definitely to blame for, but not everything) and anything I try to do for her is forgotten or dismissed.
I really don't know what to do anymore.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, are you going to join? As far as getting blamed for stuff, I've been married a total of 30 years and if you're married to a woman, you're going to hear blaming and accusations that have no basis in reality. Just say, "I'm sorry, Darling" and drive on. Women are wired differently and they argue differently. What they say often makes no sense to us. Most of the time, it's got something to do with them feeling insecure, unappreciated, and unloved. After you say, "I'm sorry", go out of your way to be appreciative and attentive. Doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. The goal is to restore peace. If you're going to survive in marriage, you'll need to get good at apologizing. The winner isn't the guy who's wife admitted he was right but the guy who apologized, had a peaceful evening to watch the game, and had great makeup sex with his wife.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Ferrier208 said:


> Hello, thanks for reading.
> My wife is seriously depressed, but she won't go get help from a therapist, either with me or without me.
> She is convinced the only way she will get better is if I join the millitary, and then when I am moved to a base she will get away from her family and feel independant. She will also be away from me, which she says she wants.
> I don't think this will solve anything, and she is just so depressed she will try anything except taking some responsibility for it. I get blamed for everything (some stuff I am definitely to blame for, but not everything) and anything I try to do for her is forgotten or dismissed.
> I really don't know what to do anymore.


 I think your wife wants to have a affair. Seen this behavior before.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People are adults. Someone wants to force you to stand there and watch them commit slow motion suicide, they are on their own.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You take care of yourself thats what you do and quit trying to fix her. You need to read up on the man up stuff because the more she can blame you for her problems the less likely she will take responsibility for it. I did this to my husband until he got sick of it and began to avoid me (I've struggled with depression). Thats when I was motivated to change. 

And don't go signing up for the military unless that was something you were planning on doing anyway. She wants to run away from her problems and I hate to say it but they just follow you. Depression is within you not something you can leave behind by moving.


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

I dont understand how joining the military is the ONLY thing that will help her depression go away. How does his make any sense? [ Perhaps, She doesn't realize all the emotions/feelings and hardships of being a military spouse] Now, not by any means am I bashing the military, I love being military and it is a good life, but I will not deny that at times it is not easy, in fact, it is VERY HARD and stressful a lot of the times.


My husband is in the military, and as far as depression goes, it hasn't made things easier on my depression, Its actually made things A LOT harder considering he is deployed right now, his work hours are CRAZY, and its just a hard life in general. None the less, it takes very good care of us. I don't think she is ready for military life right now Especially if she is in that state of mind [Depression'] I would highly advise, that if you are considering joining you should let her no that you WILL NOT join until she gets better. Has she considered that when/if you join first thing you do is off to boot camp and will not be able to talk to her for several months/weeks at a time, and could deploy ANYTIME, even a couple weeks after boot camp? Deployment is something you have to prepare for and have strong, solid mind frame to do or cope with all the emotions that comes with it. Being that she is depressed it prob, most likely will make things VERY hard on both of you, not to mention, she will be alone and not have someone to lean on during these hard times. I think your wife needs to come to realization that she is the only one capable of making herself get better and she shouldn't rely on somebodies else actions to do so. As for advice on what to do on your end. All you can do is be there for her, let her know you love her and most importantly that your there for her, PUSH her to therapy even if she doesn't want to. My husband did this for me [ I also didn't want help] and finally, just one day, I snapped and realized I needed help. Now, things are tons better. Good luck!


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> You take care of yourself thats what you do and quit trying to fix her. You need to read up on the man up stuff because the more she can blame you for her problems the less likely she will take responsibility for it. I did this to my husband until he got sick of it and began to avoid me (I've struggled with depression). Thats when I was motivated to change.
> 
> And don't go signing up for the military unless that was something you were planning on doing anyway. She wants to run away from her problems and I hate to say it but they just follow you. Depression is within you not something you can leave behind by moving.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I just read this on another post and think it bears repeating here. Depressed people are toxic. I should know I used to be one. Establishing healthy boundaries is important when dealing with depressed people. You need to set limits and be firm about what you are and are not willing to do to help her. If for example she frequently goes on tirades about how you are to blame for her depression you simply state that you will no longer participate in that type of conversation. Tell her if she starts the blame game you will leave. Then leave. It might seem mean but if you allow her to dump her bad mood on you then she has no motivation to fix it.

You could say I'm willing to go to counseling with you or to a doctor but I not willing to be your verbal punching bag. Nope not happening.


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## Ferrier208 (Apr 24, 2011)

Well I told her I didn't want to join the navy, and that I don't think it will help anything...I told her I think she is just putting all her hopes on this for whatever reason, but from past incidents it won't change anything at all. She said she KNOWS it will help because it will force her to do chores and take care of herself since I won't be there (right now I do most things, she has extreme social phobias and I can hardly get her to leave the house). One of the reasons she wants me to join is because she WANTS me to be away from her, and thinks that will solve her depression too. She started talking about how I've made her depressed and suicidal and a social-phobe, as she has done before. I think this is possible; I am not the best of husbands, and am a pretty "cold" person usually, not having a good handle on my emotions, and I have treated her distantly in the past. We've also had intimacy problems, which leads her to think I don't lover her and find her unattractive. So I can certainly think I have not been very helpful to her mental health.
Anyway, I told her I wish she'd go see a therapist (I have been to a marriage one before, and she never went then either when I asked, and later claimed I never told her it was a marriage counselor), because it would allow her to talk to someone besides me. I also decided to take the suicide threat seriously and told her I'd call 911 if she threatened to kill herself again.
She completely freaked out, starting saying I was threatening her with therapy, I had no idea what they did to suicidal people, that she wasn't crazy and they would take her away and put her on watch and it would be on her medical record, and it wasn't my place to take away her choice.
I told her I needed a few minutes to think and shut myself in the bathroom. She threatened to leave and started throwing stuff in the suitcase. She finally guilted me into coming back out, saying I had promised to never walk out on a conversation again. She then started to throw up and went into the bathroom herself to sit down.
Then she started to have some bleeding, which was very strange because she can't have a period normally, and the last time was three years ago when she was on birth control her doctor prescribed to help her have a period. Then she told me she thinks she was two months pregnant but didn't test since she didn't want to be wrong like in the past. Her tummy cramped and her back hurt. She'd been having heartburn and strange fevers the past few weeks, and had seemed to get more hungry lately. I don't know if it's possible or not. I hope it was just a fluke.
We semi-calmed down. This whole thing took four hours. As we were laying in bed (she is very angry with me and says she considers our relationship over, since I didn't love her enough to do the one thing she wanted: join the navy) she kept asking why I didn't "fix it". I say I have no idea what to even do or where to start. I had apologized for making her so panicked, I do feel really bad about that and should have stopped when it started to get that way. She always tells this to me at the end of arguments. That I never "fix it" or do anything to "make it better". I apologize and she throws back that I'm not really sorry or I wouldn't do it. I say I love her and she tells me I don't and to prove it. But if I don't apologize or say I love her, she tells me I could have fixed it by saying that.
I'm running out of steam.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

It still sounds like you are trying to take ownership of HER depression, HER feelings and HER problems. You could be the most fabulous husband on the planet and she'd still be depressed. Can't you see this isn't about you? Trust me when I say this you can never DO enough for a depressed person. True happiness comes from within. They have to to get it on their own nobody can give it to them. She's stuck thinking some outside circumstance is going to fix her problems and I've got some bad news for both of you. It does not work that way. And for you as the husband of a depressed wife the sooner you can get that concept the better off you will be. You can't fix her.


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## Ferrier208 (Apr 24, 2011)

What can I do, if anything? I fear she will completely self-destruct and I don't want that to happen. She is a wonderful wife, she just has this depression crushing her spirit. I want to help her.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> So, are you going to join? As far as getting blamed for stuff, I've been married a total of 30 years and if you're married to a woman, you're going to hear blaming and accusations that have no basis in reality. Just say, "I'm sorry, Darling" and drive on. Women are wired differently and they argue differently. What they say often makes no sense to us. Most of the time, it's got something to do with them feeling insecure, unappreciated, and unloved. After you say, "I'm sorry", go out of your way to be appreciative and attentive. Doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. The goal is to restore peace. If you're going to survive in marriage, you'll need to get good at apologizing. The winner isn't the guy who's wife admitted he was right but the guy who apologized, had a peaceful evening to watch the game, and had great makeup sex with his wife.


Why should you apologize when you have done nothing wrong? When you constantly apologize you are admitting guild and lowering the value of the act of apologizing.

Not all women are wired like this and men who constantly rationalize bad behavior from there spouse enable women to get away with childish tantrums.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ferrier208 said:


> What can I do, if anything? I fear she will completely self-destruct and I don't want that to happen. She is a wonderful wife, she just has this depression crushing her spirit. I want to help her.


Hate to say it but I think you have to let her self-destruct. I know you don't want that to happen who would but what's your alternative? To keep holding her up? You just said you are "running out of steam". It's too much to expect one adult to keep another adult from self-destructing. That's not fair to you or her. It would be like if she had an alcohol or drug problem and you kept fixing her life so she didn't have to take ownership of her problems. In some cases people won't change unless they hit rock bottom and have no choice.

You can love her, you can support her, you can be nice to her but you cannot fix her. Not today not ever. And if you let her take her depression out on you that's abuse. My favorite saying is we train people how to treat us. You are allowing her to get away with childish tantrums because you haven't stopped it.


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## Ferrier208 (Apr 24, 2011)

Sanity said:


> When you constantly apologize you are admitting guild and *lowering the value of the act of apologizing*.


She has told me as such, and it is 100% true. Because I have apologized so much, it now means nothing anymore. In the beginning of our relationship I abused the apology far too often, so now when I am sincere it still means nothing.
I know I treated her awfully in the beginning, and trashed most of the trust and caring she had (I lied a lot, and usually about un-important things as well as the important ones...but before someone asks I have never cheated and never would). I am trying to come back from that, but with the lack of trust and my very slow progression (at least, I think I am progressing) our situation is getting worse faster.


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