# Newlywed, biggest mistake of my life?



## jessiko555 (Dec 2, 2010)

My husband and I got married just over 4 months ago. We hadn't been together too long before that, but we had the same goals, and were brought up in the same culture and atmosphere, but now that we've been married for awhile I've discovered things about him I never knew before, and he's not on his best behavior anymore.
He doesn't wear his wedding ring nor does he tell people he's married. He's lied before to girls about visiting me when I worked out of town, and said he was going somewhere else on a business trip. He claims it's because he doesn't tell people about his private life, but if it comes down to pleasing his wife, shouldn't he be wearing his ring?
Now that Christmas is rolling around, he doesn't want me to attend some of his business parties that he's been invited to. The ones where there are people I've met is ok, but the other ones he doesn't want me to go to. 
I wouldn't consider myself unattractive or unsocial by any means, and I can adapt to almost any social setting so I have no idea why he wouldn't want me there, if just to show off his new wife!

Because of his previous lying, I've taken away all his privacy by checking his phone and emails, etc. I also said he couldn't go out with a certain girl friend of his that stated in one of her emails "you should come over when your wife is being crazy, haha." We got into a big fight about it but he agreed it was for the best in the end.

Everytime we argue, we get nowhere because each of us are not listening to the other. I admit, I always think I'm right and I do not believe for one bit I am the cause of 50% of our problems.

Because of this, our sex life has gone down the tube as I'm already busy enough with school and him with work, and both of our friends don't think we should be together. We used to thrive in entertaining our guests but now that his other friend (a girl again) has betrayed me (she said I could call if I needed to talk and changed everything I said to relay to him) he said we shouldn't hang out with each other's friends anymore at all.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable most of the time, because he claims I am and he said ALL his friends think I'm being unreasonable, but my idea of getting married was to shout out to the world our joyous day, and to share our lives with each other, with no secrets.

Yet he is still hiding things from me, and excluding me from his "work" life. I made the point that if he didn't want me at work stuff, then he shouldn't be included in my school life, such as graduation. And he was ok with that..... If it was me, I would want to attend my spouse's graduation but I'm not a man, and I don't claim to know how men think.

I don't know if this was a warning sign, but his mom said to me, "We are so relieved he married you. You are so strong and independent, and you can take care of our son. Now we don't have to worry about him so much anymore." 

I don't want to be a babysitter 

Is it normal for newlyweds to argue ALL the time?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Arguing as newlyweds is quite common, and some experts even advocate it. But something about him sticks out-he won't admit to being married? And then he doesn't want you to go to certain parties with people he works with? Of course! There must be another woman who will be there whom he has been stringing along, and he will have a lot of explaining to do to his coworkers and boss when she finds out he is married.
And that crack his family made? Obviously, they failed to raise this overgrown kid right, and they are relieved that someone else is "dumb enough" to take the responsibility. 
I would seriously consider sending him back to his family, and tell him that he can come back when he gets his head out of his a**.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Why doesn't he want it known at these parties that he is married?

What does his mom mean they had to 'take care of him'?

All the other stuff is smoke and mirrors, the fights, the threatening, what the friends think, the arguments, all keeping you from the truth.

Find the truth. Don't worry about getting back at him from not letting him go to your events, that is just your hurt talking. He's not taking the bait.

You need to get to the bottom of this.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

Yeah, I think he's got some real issues with the commitment of marriage. That's your main issue, as far as I can tell. I don't know if he necessarily has another woman he's stringing along; he may just have trouble with feeling settled and permanently in union with another person.

Have you sat him down and talked with him about how you feel? Considering that your emotions are so charged about this issue (how could they not be?), maybe writing him a letter would work even better. Ask him directly how he feels about being married to you.

If he can't get over whatever is making him feel not so happy about being married to you, you may have to really consider whether you should stay with him.

An attempt at counseling might be worth it, though. Your husband sounds pretty immature, but there may still be hope for him--and, by extent, for you.


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## jessiko555 (Dec 2, 2010)

I've tried everything. We try talking about it, even emailing and putting on paper what we are willing to do for each other, they are even posted up on his bedroom wall (we sleep in separate rooms).

I saw a similar topic about my plight but the woman has kids already! I do not want to get that far.

I've told him how I feel, and he even breaks down and cries why he doesn't want to let anyone in. 

Now we have decided to not check each other's computers, phones etc. but he still glances over to see what I'm doing and when I do it back, he freaks out.

I don't know if my idea of marriage is warped, but to me, this is not the way it should be. He won't hang out with my friends anymore, he won't include me in work events anymore, and we pretty much are just roommates. Is this what a marriage is like? We do go to movies together and dinner too but, why not just date someone if that's how it's going to be then?

I really have no clue what a healthy marriage is supposed to be like. do you not hide things from each other? is your life an open book to you spouse? I don't understand!


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## justme86 (Dec 3, 2010)

if you say you've tried everything already, then there's not much else you can do. it sounds like he wasn't ready to get married in the first place. him not wearing his wedding ring would be a major deal breaker for me. and trying to hide you from everyone? you don't deserve that ****.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You sleep in separate bedrooms; he doesn't admit to being married; you don't hang out with each other's friends; he excludes you from work; you don't have sex. 

Hmmm...if you hadn't said you were married, I never would have known. I'd have thought you were roommates. Because it really sounds like that's all you are. 

I really don't know what else you can do. It sounds to me like he just does not want to be married, which is why he continues to live his life as though he weren't married. You could try telling him you'll leave him if things don't change, but then he might pretend to change to get you to stay and then go right back to the way things were. And if he doesn't, then you'd have to be willing to follow through on leaving, so you'd need to be sure you could do that. 

The things you described sound to me like very big red flags. Truthfully, it sounds to me like there is at least one other woman in his life, if not more than one. And the fact that his mother "handed him off" on you sounds like he's at the least very immature. 

You don't have any kids yet. Even though I'm not generally an advocate of divorce, it does sound like you two could divorce without it causing a whole lot of agony to much of anyone else. And then you could find someone who would really love you and be proud to call you his wife.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Hi jessiko

I wanted to post a reply because I also have been married 4 months and am wondering if I made a mistake. My situation isn't exactly like yours, but it is very difficult feeling like you are all alone. When I am not in the best of moods about my husband, people at work will say...."oh, aren't you two still in your honeymoon period?" ....and I don't know what to say because we never have had a honeymoon period. We aren't sleeping in separate rooms, but he does choose to sleep on the couch quite a bit when he is upset about something. And most of the time when he is upset, he won't tell me a thing. He's lied to me a couple of times about his family, but he doesn't have any problem telling people we are married. Sometimes he is too clingy. It's like he can't do anything with anyone else but me. However, we have absolutely no sex life and I, too, am scared to have children at this point. I don't think it is normal for things to be this way. I"ve seen way to many newlyweds to think it is normal.

How old are you both by the way?


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## jessiko555 (Dec 2, 2010)

ku1980,

we are 29 and 30. i'll check out your topic see if I can help 

I'm holding on until I graduate in April. Hopefully I can put our marriage on the backburner during my last semester as I simply don't have the time or energy to leave right now.

I've stated what I want from him and if he can't give it to me in the next few months, I'll say goodbye. Even my father agrees that if he's doing what a husband shouldn't be doing, I should drop the hammer once I'm done school.

Thank you all for confirming what I suspected. I just needed someone else to state the facts without all that emotion running through my head!


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