# New here - semi-separated



## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

So I have been living with my husband for over five years, married for less than 1. We were pretty young when we met, now in our mid twenties. About a month and a half ago we separated. We've had problems almost the entire relationship, but I finally hit a breaking point. I got tired of being called names and him threatening to leave or kick me out every time there was a disagreement. Saying or doing horribly hurtful things while I tried but failed to defuse it. Keeping me awake at night so I couldn't function at school/work the next morning. It got to the point where I really felt he was so out of control that he might become violent. He was literally screaming in my face and calling me names while I said nothing. I also decided I overall no longer wanted to be made to feel like absolute crap. 

This treatment is new in the past two years or so since I quit my job to focus on school (at his suggestion). Before that I left at one point around three years ago because he would lie to a pathological level (making entire friends and scenarios up) and threaten me. Usually for no reason or a minor reason. He stopped the latter when I came back but just replaced it slowly with the new stuff. I begged him to go to couples therapy for years and he'd say he would and then not or go once and refuse to go back.

Now that we are separated he is going to counseling. And I really haven't been sticking with the separation, staying with him quite a bit despite having my own place (which I pay for). While he says everything he is supposed to in counseling, I don't know that he actually wants to fix anything. We had a fight last night that I had to take on the entire responsibility of defusing the night before my grad school midterm because I haven't wanted sex. This is what escalated his behavior to what I felt was threatening in the first place beyond the normal screaming at me. He's always made sex a highly anxiety inducing thing, where if I didn't want it I knew he'd start a huge fight or something dramatic. So I finally put my foot down and said I wasn't going to do it until he showed me I was safe to decline. I get so much anxiety about how he might act if I say no it literally kills my sex drive, and I'm tired of trying to force myself to do it. I've been trying to get myself to do it since some things have gotten better with counseling, but last night proved I was fooling myself.

Overall, I know this isn't normal. But I often wonder if it is my fault somehow. I have no support from friends as we recently moved states and all my old friends like him. Even my parents who know what's happened seem to make excuses for him like he doesn't know better and consider it a "rough patch". Despite me clearly explaining that it's not acceptable for years and me not treating him like this at all. So I feel I have no support to stay separated. Which I know I shouldn't need, but it's hard when I'd probably lose friends if we divorced and I have literally no one to vent to. It's like no one cares how I'm treated so long as there's no infidelity. (There never has been on either side.) I don't know why people think he's so amazing and helpless while he's screaming at me the second he doesn't get what he wants. I'm not perfect, but I compromise and never say horrible things just to get my way. 

I also feel like sometimes he is changing or maybe I'm just crazy since no one else believes me. When he's not like this, everything is really good. Can anyone relate? How can I make sure he really is changing? How do I get the support I need to stay gone if that's what it comes to? I'm so tired of nothing being stable so matter how hard I work. Yet I can't seem to make myself leave.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I just really don't want to deal with any of this anymore... All the back and forth. I want everything to be "normal" but I don't know if it ever can be with him.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

I think if you already have your own place, then you should really try and start staying there more to give you both space and time. Let him continue IC and see if things start to get better. Maybe try IC yourself. It can't hurt.

Hang in there.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

You need to stand firm. He has beaten your self confidence into the ground. Stop caring what others think. Start taking care of you. Impliment the 180, and get your strength back. 

Be glad there are no children involved. Can you imagine if junior kept you up all night and he wanted sex and you were too exhausted to comply? He would call you all those names in front of your child. 

Cut your losses, get out now, and recognize that you are worth respect and never have to deal with that again.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. It helps to realize it's not ok. I think I just start wondering if I'm crazy because no one else sees it, but I realize when I write it out Id never think it was ok for someone else. It's that he comes across as your typical "nice", nerdy type guy, and so everyone thinks were so cute and he's so great to me blah blah. And after a while it starts to make me think I am just dramatic. Especially that my own parents can't seem to get it. But I know I'm really not being unreasonable. 

Yeah I don't want children anyway but even if I did, I'm so glad we don't have kids. I feel bad enough when it scares the dog. What's IC? Sorry I don't know the abbreviations and didn't see it on the list. 

I did go back to my place. I feel way better and more confident on my own. I haven't decided for sure about the relationship, but I just know I'm done being treated like this. I'm not sure why I've allowed it in the first place. I think I've just gotten so isolated that I'd forget how bad it really was. I've really got to learn to make friends outside of him even if things do somehow work out, as I think being so cut off makes it difficult for me to realize I'll be just fine on my own.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I've decided I'm leaving for good. No matter what he says, he goes back on his apologies the second he doesn't get what he wants and starts treating me like ****. I'm done being hurt when I have the choice to leave. I'm really scared about what the future will bring, as the majority of my young adult life has been with him. Does anyone have any tips for moving on, the legal part of the divorce process, and just staying sane? I have such a stressful life with school as it is and this is not helping to say the least. I'm so isolated and have no close friends. No one from my hometown even knows anything is wrong. How can I develop a support system to get through this and not go back?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Please. please, please don't ever blame yourself for the abusive behavior of someone else.

He needs some significant growing up before he deserves the love of caring human being.

Stretch


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