# PLease, its long but i really need advice, meeting ben tomz



## G25 (Jun 19, 2010)

I am totally knew to all these forums, but am struggling to come to terms how I feel. I thought maybe it would be easier to type and see what other people make of it.



My name is Gina, I am 25 yrs old. I moved out of home at 17, I was in a 2 yr relationship at the time and met my husband now. I broke up with my b/f at the time and starting see my husband Ben. He unfortunately was on a 2 yr visa and could not stay unless we got married, things moved quickly with us and at the time I could not imagine being with anyone else so we decided to get married so we could stay together - I was 19 - he was 23. Because my family lived abroad at the time as did his, we decided to have a blessing for 2 yrs later to save and have a nice big wedding - something i wanted at the time. - Most people thought/think this was our original wedding as we didnt tell anyone before. We went through the changes as all couples, growing up - we bought a flat together and now ages 26 and ben 30 next month. We have been technically married for almost 7 years.

Work started getting intense for me 2 yrs ago so I decided to move to london, I used to commute then I came and lived here weekedays and went home weekends - it was amazing I had some space, something i had never experienced in my adult life. but then at the weekends i saw the man of my dreams, it was brilliant for me,,,although for him - he struggled, whilst he was so supportive of me, he didnt make the opportunity to do much - spent time with one particular friend and said he missed me so much. I guess for him, he was living alone in our flat, I was in a house share so had company and for the first time I was in ajob I enjoyed.



As time went on, we discussed the option of me finding work locally or him coming to london, he said he wanted london. He moved here in Jan this year and is working in a less stressful job, but again hasnt made the most of it here, i encourage him to go out with work, socialise, join sport clubs. But he says he likes ot be at home.

For years we have done everything together, we get on so well, dont really argue, he is the most amazing guy and my family adore him, as I adore his but they live abroad. He doesnt have any family here which adds to my guilt I guess that I am his life.



Past couple of months, Ive drifted from him (totally my fault) I cant wear my rings, i feel false. 2 weeks ago I told him that i think i had fallen out of love with him, i dont know why this has happend and i wish i didnt feel this way, as much as i try i cant feel it. He moved in with my brother for a week just to give me space.

Another point to add, theres a guy at wrk, ive spent tym on nights out with wrk - with him but there is sum sort of connection - this week he kissed me - i pulled away and obv got upset about it and went home. Thing is I dont see anything happening with this guy, its just I feel trapped with ben.



I dont know what to make of this all, why its all happened now, why my feelings have changed. Why i havent looked at another guy in my whole 9 yr relationship with ben i havent had doubts before. But now its almost like I feel I want some choice, some control -i dont regret what we did as it was right at the time. But I wish we could choose where our relationship could go.

So what I think i need is for the 2 of us to be apart in seperate homes, ben to get some of himself and me to become who i am......perhaps start dating and start from beginning almost....i feel so selfish and not sure if i will push him away saying this all to him, but at the same time i cant go on feeling this way so think we have to take the risk. We could both totally change in our tym apart, but then we might realise how we are meant for each other....I know its so harsh me saying all this but its almost like I dont want to be married, i want to be me and my own indentity - i havent had my maiden name for my adult life, i want to make my own decisions, mistakes but then I don't doubt ben is amazing and could have a future together. I just want us to be able to choose our path, go from beginning, dating - move in etc...



does anyone relate to this?

I know its so harsh me saying all this but its almost like I dont want to be married, i want to be me and my own indentity - i havent had my maiden name for my adult life, i want to make my own decisions, mistakes but then I don't doubt ben is amazing and could have a future together. I just want us to be able to choose our path, go from beginning, dating - move in etc...its almost like i dont want to be married anymore but i dont want us to end,,,i just want to start fresh with us and take a path we want to take with regards to commitment..is this wrong...and how do i tell him and do i tell him about the guy at work?
HELP


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I'll just share that I don't have the upstanding marriage example to set for you, but these things are easier to see coming in someone else's post than in my own life. 

It mostly seems like you and Ben need to do something to rekindle the spark between you. There is something there - history, affection, etc. that has simply diminished over the past couple of years being together part time.

Then, this dude at work... I will give you advice that a girlfriend gave me... The grass is NOT greener on the other side. Just newer. It's easy to consider the other guy, because you don't have history. You have only attraction. Everything is new. No skeletons. Your relationship with Ben has gotten to be real work.

Do the work. New guy will require work at some point, too. Ben is great. Ben loves you. He hasn't changed significantly since you got together 9 years ago. He is the same man. He wants you. He gives you lots of room to do the activities you want, and you allow him not to do them. It's all great. Build upon that. DO NOT continue with kissy work guy.


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