# Dobo (re: a woman's value)



## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Hi, 

You said something in another post that I would love if you could elaborate on, if possible. This quote below was regarding a young husband whose wife no longer initialized sex with him. I'm posting this on the board in case anyone else were curious too. 

You said, _"....at one point she was given the very real impression that her value had to do with sex. You've given her value in another way and she may be trying to control sex as a way of maintaining her value to herself. It is hard to explain but she may be doing now what she could not then. She's taking control now, because she couldn't then."_

After reading that - a few times because I find it interesting - I'm curious for more detail or information on what you said so I can clarify it in my mind. Hope this isn't an imposition on you. 

Thank you, 
Blaze


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I didn't follow this either. This is a guy who is not pressuring her for sex - or certainly claims not to be. He is very balanced in his desires - he really wants a fully physical and affectionate - normal stuff - loving marital relationship. 

He wants to be desired. She does not desire him. It seems like a true lack of desire problem. Her desire died about when they moved in together and that - that is very normal and not tied to abuse, it is tied to the fact some people react to a totally stable relationship in a very unsexy way. It really hurts the spark. 

I am in no way trying to minimize what happened to his wife. Just seriously questioning if it has anything to do with where they are now. 













Blaze said:


> Hi,
> 
> You said something in another post that I would love if you could elaborate on, if possible. This quote below was regarding a young husband whose wife no longer initialized sex with him. I'm posting this on the board in case anyone else were curious too.
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It isn't about the current guy, necessarily. Though it might be. Read what I wrote to Riddler a few minutes ago to get more information.

The point is that she had no control when she was younger. She did what she did to please this older guy. Then later she had no choice as he just took what he wanted (raped her). Her value to him was sex. She was too young to really have a sense of anything else. She hadn't developed her own sense of self. 

Fast forward to a relationship she wants to be in. She hasn't dealt with the past. She experiences hurts now. However, she realizes that she does have control over sex. So she withdraws. If her only value is sex (whether or not this guy feels that way, treats her that way) in her mind, she can control who gets her sex. She does it to preserve what's left of her spirit. 

This isn't simple stuff to deal with. 

Take me for instance, even the men I admired the most while I was growing up and in HS, even they presented the message to me that my body was my value. My favorite teacher, the one I give credit to for having saved me from being a nothing, even he told me to turn around so he could look at my *ss. I didn't get properly angry about that until years later. I loved him too much so I made excuses for his behavior. When I thought of someone doing that to my daughter, I was livid.

These messages coupled with past sexual abuse are devistating to a young woman's self-concept. 

Sexual expression is difficult enough for some people without having to deal with this kind of thing. Enter in marriage, with two young, inexperienced people, who never really explored what their expectations were and who don't always use the best in themselves when dealing with one another, and accumulated hurts can start to erode sexual expression. It is even more likely to occur when past sexual abuse is in the picture. 

Sometimes the well-meaning husband becomes all too like the perpetrator. It isn't his intent. And she doesn't even know why she's withdrawn. But the outcome is what we see, whether it makes sense to anyone or not.

Marrying someone who has survived sexual abuse is often fraught with problems. Truth be told, most people don't get the help they need right away, when damage can be minimized. 

I'm still dealing with the fallout from the abuse I suffered. I had a dream the other night about it and I'm very pleased to say that it didn't mess me up for days like it had in the past. Only 30 years later. Not bad, really. :-(


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Everyday I read something new from you that strikes me as being *so* true. I'm starting a Dobo Fan Club.
:allhail:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I like that I'm red and have an evil grin.  Thanks Lori.


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Thank you so much for your reply - you do write very well and definitely have a wealth of knowledge under your belt. 

I appreciate your reply, explanation and story. 

Sadly I can see a few parallels between your story and my own. 

It's amazing how some small things said when we were young, turn out to not be so small after all and can still have such an impact on us years and years later. 

Thank you again, 
Blaze


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

OTOH, I wouldn't have known that my *ss was such an asset if it weren't for him. ;-)


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