# Married to my friend, no sexual or intimate connection, what to do?



## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Hi. I am so glad I found this forum! I am going through hell and need advice! 

I have been married for 17 years, we have 3 kids. When we got married, we were both coming out of other relationships, rushed into it too quickly. Didn't spend enough time getting to REALLY know each other, traveling, etc. I fell in love with him because he was the first decent guy I dated. We were great friends! But the ONE thing missing or not really up to par, was that natural sexual attraction. Maybe a little, but not very strong. But I thought that that wasn't important, that would come in time. Or even if we didn't have a great sex life, that isn't what gets a marriage thru the years. All of my previous relationships were largely based on sex, and those always fell apart. So I decided, "hey, here is this great guy, who will provide for me, he's smart, he's a good guy, doesn't drink a lot, will be a good father, etc."

So we got married and had 3 kids. 

Well, right after the first kid, I felt lost, alone, disconnected from my husband. I fell in love with someone else I worked with and had an affair for close to a year. But I just couldn't leave my husband, was SO confused. The affair ended, my husband knew I had some connection with someone else, and we supposedly "worked it out". He never found out I slept with him. Only that we had an "emotional affair". I know, real nice of me, but I fell in love and the sexual connection was so strong with this other man. 

Right then and there I should have known to divorce my husband, but I decided to put that behind me and stay with him because we had a child, a house, dreams and plans, etc. 
The years have gone by...two more children. 
Over the years I've never felt that physical or intimate connection with my husband. 

He is a good person and means well and does love me, but over the years I have found that we are so different and my expectations of our marriage, the way he talks to me, interacts with the kids, is not what I think it should be. He has yelled at me over stupid little things, is very critical. Hearing those kinds of little comments and nit picking over years and years wears a person down. I feel NOTHING for emotionally besides being my friend, my room mate, father of my kids at this point. 

I am so miserable because I do love him on a certain level, but don't believe it is the right way a wife should love her husband. 

I NEVER want to be intimate with him, touch him, kiss him, etc. It's like kissing a brother or something. I want nothing to do with him physically. 

I have felt this way for over 10 years and I know that I will never get that back. 

People tell me, go to counseling, he wants to go to counseling...but how is another human being going to put that feeling back into my heart? I just don't see that happening...

I want to stay together for the kids, because it's not that bad, but I want to be intimate with the person I'm with. I want to love them completely, I want to touch and be touched. 

Do I stay for my kids, in a marriage like this? What about me? I know the selfless thing to do is stay for the kids...and in about 10 years when they are all gone, then get a divorce, but I also don't want to waste 10 more years of my happiness. And what about my husband? He deserves to be loved in an intimate way, too. I want what is best for both of us, because I do love him.

HELP!


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

No, you don't stay for the kids' sake. You stay for your own sake, or leave for your own sake. However, your children are a consideration plus the fact that you made a commitment (vows and all that). You should not be so capricious in your decision making. I appreciate your confusion and indecision right now, but to refuse counseling is not helpful since counseling can be very helpful if you get the right kind of counseling. Wouldn't it be nice to let your husband know in a non-threatening and non-judgmental way how he makes you feel when he yells and carries on at you? Doesn't it make sense that he needs to learn how to treat you and how not to treat you? To refuse help is the same as saying you don't want help even though your reason for refusing is that you can't imagine HOW it would help. And there lies the problem. You married with a problem you imagined would magically get better, and now you imagine there is no way to address or fix it. How many divorces happen for that same reason?

You do have some options. One is to seek counseling. 

Another is to be honest with yourself as to why you are not sexually attracted to your husband, and that is something counseling will prompt you to address and examine. Is it that he never turned you on sexually because, to you, he is not good looking enough for you to find him sexy? Is it that he's not manly enough? Is it that he does not satisfy you in bed? Is it that he needs better skills to please you?

Another option is to understand how the way he treats you might very well be a turnoff for you. It is for most women. Plus, most women build resentment over time, which is also a turnoff. You have reached the point that you cannot stand the thought of him touching you. You need to analyze these feelings so you can determine why you have them. It cannot possibly get better, or change, or be any different at all if nothing gets addressed. If your husband needs to learn how to please you in the bedroom, how can he learn if you refuse him the help he needs and even the understanding that he needs help? Or another example, if he treats you badly and without respect, how can he know he needs to stop turning you off and building resentment in you if you refuse to let him know? Counseling can help with much of this, sex therapy can help with other things, and teaching videos/books can help with some of it too.

Another option is to talk about all these things and propose another possibility entirely if no other solutions can be found. Should you determine the marriage is important to you but that it cannot be fixed, then just maybe you can stay together and have an open marriage. That way, there are no secrets, no infidelity, no guilt, and no divorce either. You both remain devoted to the marriage and keeping the family together, while seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

this is tough, any advise will sound like a bad idea...so heres mine.....

stay,endure he is a good person who loves you for you, you are free to say a just live as you see fit. you liked him before, fake it until it becomes real.

with the affair this might never happen, its nature to have chemestery with others, but if you fell ion love with someone, maybe you should have divorced h and ran off???

you didnt because your h has good qualitys.....and no counslor can put love back in your heart. push away the other feelings and open your self back to your h and maybe they will come back.

the last thing is its yoour cross to bear. you and you alone must decide if it is worth it. why rock the boat...but you already did....

so i guess im saying fake it till its love it might hurt you a lot or file for divorce, and you might hurt him a lot.

what can you see your self living with. and how do you know it was "in love" "love" has many sides "love" feels different with different people...


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

you know what you want, not him. You know how you feel, not in love with him. all the rest of this is air. Youve already made a decision, now stop torturing him and yourself and get on with it.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Wow. I've only been married 4 months and I hear myself in your post. I also feel I have no sexual connection to my husband and we also married too soon. I guess I felt he was "safe". I would love to hear any advice you could give me if anything works for you. I hope you find what you are looking for here.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You have to figure out what it is you fall in love with in a man, and ask your husband to do that.

Otherwise the future ahead of you is just more of the same.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Thanks for the replies...I do know in my heart how I feel. I have some people who give me the advice: Listen to your heart. Others tell me: The grass is never greener on the other side, you have children, do what is best for them, you have a history with him, don't throw away 17 years. 

My husband and I have had numerous talks over the past week and things have settled down. We talk calmly, cry, get everything out. It is nice that we don't fight anymore. I'm all done with that after fighting about changing him, what he doesn't do, mistakes he's made and all that. I've come to the realization that I am NOT going to change him, he is who he is. I just have to make the decision of if I want to live like this anymore. 

We get along, are friends, good roommates, etc. There are problems and always have been, regarding raising the children, him spending enough time with them, emotionally connecting to them. I have been a "single" mother through the years. I have *****ed and complained for years about him helping out, reading to the kids, being more involved with them, hands on. This isn NOT 1950 where dads just work and then come plop on the couch in front of the TV. I did NOT want to marry someone like my father and that is JUST what I did. It sucks. 

Now that I've told him everything, especially that I feel nothing for him emotionally, could live without sex with him, that that is probably never going to come back - I think he realizes the seriousness of it all. I have told him this before; MANY MANY times, but maybe not so brutally honest. 

I am all done with the lies, hiding my feelings - have made a commitment to be honest and where ever that leads us, so be it. 

Now that I've told him all this, he is on his "best" behavior, helping out around the house, being extra nice to me...I know he is trying, but in a way it's irritating and so fake. He used to do this after every fight - be on best behavior for couple of weeks - then convert right back to the same old crap. After years of this, you become very numb and hurt. Something in me has died, and I am pretty sure therapy or some person telling me a bunch of stuff, is not going to change how I feel in my heart. 

A person can only get "stomped" on for so long. Or let down for so long. How is a person supposed to feel? It's only normal.

I had certain expectations on how to be treated, for a marriage to work, for a father to be with his children. 

If those expectations fall short, who says a person should stay? Just because they got married and "made promises to God"...please. No person should suffer or stay just because of a piece of paper or because they made a promise.

Things change, people change, life goes on. We are human beings. We all just do the best we can. But we also DESERVE to be happy. We only have ONE life to live. 

I don't want to be on my death bed with regret and wish I had done something, but didn't have the balls because of fear or not wanting to hurt someone, or not wanting to break a "promise". 

No thanks.

So we will see what happens. I am taking one day at a time.

Thanks for listening!


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

ok I need to understand something, first you say he is a good man now you are blaming him for the way YOU feel? Of course he is trying to do everything "right", he does not want to lose his wife. Do NOT think that there are things that are just as irritating to him. Change is a two-way street! geeesh whatever you do give this man a break and leave and do it now, at least if you leave him now this "good man" as you have said will eventually find someone that will not resent him. 


Personally I would not want to live with the uncertainty if I were him.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I don't understand all this "deserve" stuff. I hear it all the time. I don't believe that any one person is more deserving than another. And that you deserve exactly what you give yourself. Will I tell someone they deserve to be happy? Yes. It's the only language some people understand. I don't even believe we deserve happiness...if we're happy, it's because we have placed ourselves or conducted our lives in a manner that the end result was happiness. Not because we "deserved" it. We have rights. Certain inalienable ones, according to our constitution. I believe those men pretty wise when they stated that we're entitled to the PURSUIT of happiness. We don't deserve happiness, per se. 

Your vows WERE promises. There were no clauses in there that allowed you to break the promises if you ended up unhappy. You made a promise to love, honor, cherish, blahblahblah...you broke those promises. You made a promise to forsake all others. You broke that promise. Your husband isn't posting, so I can't address the promises HE broke. But you're not in this marriage alone. You have your side of things. It might have benefitted you greatly to have sought counseling many years ago. I understand that "life" gets in the way of that. Takes a real concerted effort to do those things sometimes. And now...you don't think counseling would help. You've resigned yourself to the your personal truth of this being the way it is, and doubtful that things can change. I can "promise" you that they won't without outside intervention. Maya Angelou said "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude". A very wise woman who learned life lessons the hard way. 

Before you bolt on this marriage, you owe it to yourself (and your children) to do *everything* in your power to make sure it can't be saved. That "new love" feeling wears off of any relationship. You can leave, go our and find someone else..deal with all that mess of introducing someone new into your children's lives, deal with the issues arising from your (would be) ex, and on and on it goes. There are many posts here full of issues that arise when a new person enters the picture. And when the new love feeling wears off...then you're left with what you've got. That new love feeling blinds you to little things that might make a big difference once it's gone. 

An affair is an unrealistic situation as to how your life with that person would be. You don't know that the first time you forgot to pay the electric bill wouldn't result in your being verbally abused. You're spared the reality of living with that person. For all you know he sits in the living room and clips his toenails and lets them fly everywhere. And leaves them. My point is that you don't REALLY know the affair person. 

Give counseling a shot. A real shot. If it doesn't work, then you can't say that you didn't do everything in your power to make it work.


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## amidnightsky34 (Dec 6, 2010)

I agree with what the others have said about giving counseling a shot. And i hate the idea of going to counseling... i hate talking about my feelings, especially when you can't hide behind a computer screen, or type where you can take the time to think about your answers. And if anyone would tell me to go to counseling I would most definitely fight it off as long as possible. It may not help for everyone, but there is a chance. You owe it to your marriage and your kids to take that chance. You say that no other person can change your feelings, and that may be true, but you are obviously confused about what to do next, and what the counselors can do is help you to sort through all of those feelings and find the answers you are looking for within yourself. I would suggest you go to counseling by yourself at least at first, and then maybe have a few sessions with your husband there too.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

I know exactly what you are feeling, Get out and let both of you find new loving partners, insted of just settling and being misserable for the next 20 years. You and your husband both deserve better and happiness as long as you have tried to make it work. If you don't leave you will have affairs and end up hurting your husband worse. Set yourselves free.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

I respect everyone's opinions and input. 

I actually just got back from my 2nd therapy session. I am making the steps to work on ME and why I am the way I am, why I married someone I didn't truly love, and trying to make steps in getting ME healthy. I have to do that first, before I can even expect to move forward in my marriage. 

I have told my husband the truth...that it is not fair to him that I feel this way, that I feel SO badly I'm not sexually attracted to him. When all the discussion began, I NEVER blamed him, told him what he did wrong, etc. All I talked about was ME and why I thought I was feeling this way, that it's a 50/50 relationship, that of course I brought my own baggage into it, I should have taken more time before marrying him, having kids, etc. 

I've been honest with him about EVERYTHING, what I think is going wrong. I am lucky that I can say anything to him. He used to get mad and we used to fight, but we are more mature now and can have an honest discussion.

All I can do is be truthful of what is in my heart. It might be hard for him to hear, that brutal truth. But I think not enough people do that. If I am not sexually attracted to him or don't feel that intimate connection, I'm not going to lie to him.

I also told him if we continued on this way, we both have needs. It would be understandable if one of us, or both of us had an affair, and I am not going to do that again. If I feel any inclination towards another person, then that is truly a BIG SIGN that things are over. 

If you are truly with the right person, you would not stray. Yes, people stray, that is human nature. 

But to have the honesty with yourself and another person, that is the difference. I have told my husband the truth! That is all I can do for now and see where it goes.

And yes, we are going to therapy together, too. Of course I am going to do all I can to try to get back on track. I am just saying that after feeling a certain way for 15 years, it is hard to imagine me "falling in love" with him again. Especially if I really never did in the first time. I was 25 years old, coming out of another relationship - he was a "rebound" relationship. I was immature and needy and thought this great guy would "save" me and make my life easier. I didn't take the time for ME and take care of ME, on my own first. 

I think that is a HUGE problem with people. They are too co-dependant and need to "find" themselves first - do their own thing first. Maybe people really should get married until they are in the 30's and 40's. That sure would solve a lot of issues and problems! 

I feel good today, because I've been honest with my husband; it is a weight off my shoulder. I am not trying to change him, I am working on changing myself and making myself happy. Noone should depend on another person to make them happy.

If we do go our separate ways, I want him to be happy, too. He deserves to be loved the right ways, he deserves a wife who will touch him, be intimate with him. If I don't feel that with him, it is not fair to either one of us. I have told him that!

I am also happy because we are such good friends that we could co-parent our children in a mature, healthy way. I know that 100%. I am very lucky in that regard. 

Thanks for listening!


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

sadmel said:


> If we do go our separate ways, I want him to be happy, too. He deserves to be loved the right ways, he deserves a wife who will touch him, be intimate with him. If I don't feel that with him, it is not fair to either one of us. I have told him that!
> 
> I am also happy because we are such good friends that we could co-parent our children in a mature, healthy way. I know that 100%. I am very lucky in that regard.
> 
> Thanks for listening!


Trust me this scenario RARELY works! I know by experience, everybody wants this type of relationship but in reality he will still be hurt and resentful and unintentionally make it difficult. I know you would like to say "he would never do that" well trust oh yes he will and so will you. There aren't too many divorced couples who can say they are friends, maybe later on in the future yes but that takes time.


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I don't understand all this "deserve" stuff...... you deserve exactly what you give yourself..... we don't "deserve" happiness...if we're happy, it's because we have placed ourselves or conducted our lives in a manner that the end result was happiness......we're entitled to the PURSUIT of happiness. We don't deserve happiness, per se. ...."If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude".


I'm almost squarely in your shoes w/ my relationship. I also believe as others here do - you need to give counseling a good shot. I also believe your statements about not being able to change your husband are very accurate - the only one you can change is yourself. 

So, why am I writing? I guess because of all the similarities in our situations - maybe I can offer some insight. The biggest difference however is that the affair I had ended after a few months but the friendship has continued till now. Over the years I've known this woman, I've come to realize that the concept of greener grass is just that - a concept only. When giving up one relationship because you feel that there may be something else better out there, you are really only making a change of one set of circumstances for another. The bottom line is that there is no one out there who is absolutely perfect. We all have to deal with the situations we are handed and the grace with which we do that is what life is about. We can wish that things were different - even try to make them so - but when the cows come home at night, the only real power we have is over our selves individually. We can choose to learn from what we see and experience, choose to change in some way or another with the hope that changing will make life better, but we can never expect one person to completely fulfill all our individual and unique needs, nor expect them to change in some way that would satisfy our vision of what they should or could be. 

So, for you (and me too re my situation), accepting that your husband is who he is, and that you can never cause him to become the person you want him to be should be one of the critical points of consideration in what you choose to do - you have to decide if you can live life as it is assuming he will never change. The other point - I think - is that you have to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do for you. And that thing must also not destroy you in the doing whether it be that you stay or go. Ultimately you have to live with yourself; if you know that what you did was wrong, that fact will probably eat at you if you're the kind of thinking person you appear to be based on the way you write.

Well, whatever your choice may be, I wish you happiness along the road you choose to follow.


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## Lee10 (Dec 8, 2010)

Hi, I feel your pain, after 9 years of practically non existent communication, sex and that emotional connection, I realised that I just do not love him. We have been nothinh more than 2 people living under the same roof for too long! I am deeply unhappy and have lost myself completely! We have a daughter and she is one of two things keeping me there. The other is guilt! Do I stay and bare it or do I leave and find myself again and be happy? When you find the answer please share it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I have a friend who did the same thing: married her friend. There were married for somewhere around 20 years. They seemed like the perfect couple. 

When she came to the decision that she just couldn't do it any more, everyone, including her hubby, was shocked. 

Her reasons for ending the marriage were that she didn't have "that" connection with him. She felt guilty that he felt that way about her, but she didn't for him. She said he deserved to have that feeling returned. They never tried counceling.

It has been about 9 years since they divorced. He met another woman, married her, and they are very happy. My friend is alone (she's had a couple relationships but they didn't work out). She struggles with bills. I think she is finally happy and adjusted to being alone, but the last few years have been really hard on her. 

I don't really have any advice for you, but maybe just something to think about. Is it a sacrafice to stay, or to leave? My friend sacraficed that "chemistry" during her marriage. My friend sacraficed life time security and a marriage to a friend so that he could find the wife he deserved.

I would definately do the counseling. It will be helpful in making your decision.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Thank you for those kind words (changehappens)...they brought a tear to my eye. Everything is so hard. It is so hard and sad when a relationship is suffering, when after all these years I've come to realize so many things. 

Yes, you are so right - there is no perfect, "soul mate" person for anyone. It is accepting someone completely, even with faults. I guess I didn't feel that way about my husband. For years I tried and tried to change him..."help more around the house", stop watching so much TV, please read and help with your sons, go throw the ball around with your sons, TALK with your sons, CONNECT with your children, please don't talk to me like that, please don't belittle me, yell at me about little things, stop being so critical. On and on and on. 

Now I am all done trying to change him. He is who he is; no matter how he "tries" to change, now that I've been completely honest with him that my intimate feelings for him are completely dead and I only love him as the father of my children, as a friend, etc. It is a HUGE milestone to come to that realization that someone is who they are, that you cannot change them...then deciding if you can live and love that person in all the right ways. 

Feeling numb, hurt, and let down for YEARS effects everyone differently. Some people can move on, get therapy, learn to get closer, fall back in love. That is great and I understand that. But not everyone has the capacity to do that. I truly do not know if I can ever or even want to, have those feelings again. I do look at him like that. We have come to a point where there is no more fighting, we get along, but I've spent too many years waiting and waiting for him to step up to the plate. And had discussion after discussion, over the years of how to make things better. After hearing, "OK, I'm sorry, I'll try better, I'll spend more time with the kids, etc." time and time again, and then never seeing any change - makes a person cold and numb. And checked out of the relationship. That is only a normal reaction. And everyone has different levels of sensitivity. I am a very sensitive person. I gave him chance after chance for years to get it together. Do you think HE ever thought - maybe I should get some therapy? Try to be a better person? NO - and I am not going to tell him what to do. I've been doing that for 17 years. I've had another child for 17 years - ALL DONE! I got married to have a partner, a lover, not another child. 

Noone should have to tell another person what to do, how to act, how to treat others, how to treat their own children, etc. 

I am not perfect either - but I have been communicating these issues with him for years...how much longer does one wait??? Oh, just for the kids? 

What is that teaching children about marriage - seeing their parents complacent, getting along, but NO affection, no touching, kissing, etc.? Giving kids WRONG definition of marriage and love in my opinion. And I don't know if I want to continue to do that. No matter what I do, it will have consequences on my children. 

Just taking one day at a time. 

And I am getting therapy for ME right now, is HE? No? He says we should go to marriage therapy...OK, get on the phone and find someone, do some research. Nope, as usual, I have to do that...Well, you know what, if it's so important to save this marriage, maybe he'll be proactive and do some research. If he doesn't or blows it off, well, that is just another answer to my questions...

We


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

OH, and I forgot to say, I also want to express myself with someone sexually, be intimate with my partner, I want to feel that connection. I know it simmers down with marriage and with time, with ANYONE. But I want to smile when I'm with my partner, to want to touch them, emotionally support them. I'm sorry! I want to kiss, touch, give that support, feel that for the person I'm with. Everyone has different levels of sexuality, too. I want to be that with my partner. That is part of normal, healthy relationship.

To know that if I stay with my husband I'll never ever experience that ever again in my life...makes me so sad. 

And I am NOT going to have an affair. If I am tempted, it's over.

And also, NOT fair to him either!


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## Whome? (May 17, 2014)

You're expressing exactly how I feel. I feel trapped. He won't leave and neither will I because of the kids. How long do we live like this with the stress and tension?


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