# Sexual desire vs feeling sexually desired



## WhiskeyJack8 (Nov 18, 2013)

Hello, this is my first post and first time seeking advice for marriage-related topics. Anything would be great - I have google'd a lot lately with some good results and suggestions.

My wife and I just got married 3.5 months ago (I'm turning 30 in a week and she just turned 27) and there are some things she has said that have made me real sad, angry, disappointed and worried for the survival of our marriage.

It is clear that men typically have a higher sex drive than women, and this is the case for us. Prior to getting married our sex life started off slow - she had never had sex before me. I didn't pressure her into anything, I don't have what some might consider weird fetishes - I just want the typical sex with some variety of positions/locations maybe 2-3 times per week for where we are in our relationship right now. At most we were having sex 5-6 times a week probably in years 2-3 of the relationship (just celebrated 5th anniversary together) but now its maybe once a week. When I say sex I mean everything, handjobs, the rare BJ and intercourse.

The quantity is one thing (and honestly, its not that important to me to have sex A LOT, it is more important to have sex feel great) but its the quality and the lack of making me feel sexually desired that has made me concerned.

I think I am a good husband, we share household responsibilities, we go out together frequently, we spend a lot of time together talking or cuddling watching TV, we both have full time jobs and we haven't had any big fights during our relationship. I put a lot of effort into making her needs met and I have listened to her when she has voiced a need for this and that.

While engaged and about a month ago we had some serious talks about sex. The first was about oral sex, my wife doesn't enjoy giving oral sex and she says its only because of the taste and I agree with her, the precum does taste a bit salty sometimes but overall I think it has a neutral taste - it is not repulsive or gross. Semen I agree does not taste good nor do I have any desire to cum in my wife's mouth or on her face like in porn.

The problem is that I have wanted to try things like flavour gels, chewing gum prior and a diet change to improve the taste but she wont even try. And she has said that she doesn't like trying these things because if we do find something that makes it more enjoyable for her that I would request a blowjob all the time. Her opinion is that "blowjobs are special and I should only get them on special occasions like my birthday or valentines day" ... (that quote is verbatim). I would try to give her oral sex all the time and its not because it tastes or smells great (its unpleasant at best), its because I love her and I love seeing her orgasm 2, 3 even 4 times from oral sex and it is important to me that she feels sexually desired.

When I look back on our relationship I now notice that I only got a BJ AFTER I had given her oral sex, and she hardly ever appeared excited about it despite knowing how much I enjoyed it. During this conversation about oral sex she also said "I shouldn't have to do something I don't want to", referring to giving a BJ and she said "I should be happy with what I get". This last comment made me not want to give a rats ass about ANYTHING that was important to her.

I have high standards for myself as a man and as a husband and it actually made me sad to think that I would want to give up those standards because of what she said. She has even used BJs as a way to get me to do things for her, which I would do anyways but trying to use that has made me resent her for it.

About a month ago we had another sex talk and it was more about "who initiates". I asked my wife if she could initiate sex more because it made me feel good about myself and it made me feel desired. I feel like I not only initiate sex most of the time but I am always excited about it (duh!). So I let my wife know that it was important to me for her to initiate sex every so often. Her idea of initiating sex is asking me "Do you want to have sex" in a reluctant tone of voice with an attitude that says "well I guess I'll have sex with you". There is no foreplay from her, and whenever she 'initiates' its like she wants to get through it asap.

The final killer in my hope of a fulfilling sex life in our marriage came when my wife said, and I quote, "Sex is just not that important to me in our marriage, it was important when we were dating but not anymore". This was about 2 months after getting married. I did cry... but later that day.

I completely understand how affection, conversation, spending time together and respect are on the top of the list for needs for women and I try really hard to make sure I am that kind of a man to my wife but I have tried to tell my wife how sex is up there for me and she has responded with some pretty devastating things. Her attitude is that I'm a horn-dog and its just sex, nothing too pivotal in a relationship. She makes it seem like I should make conversation, affection and date nights more important in our marriage than sex - they ARE important to me! That's why I put in an effort to make them happen.


She does not make me feel sexually desired or attractive at all anymore - almost all the sex that happens (handjobs or intercourse; no BJs because its not my birthday yet!) seems like such a burden for her. She is never excited and never cares - she has fallen asleep three times in the last month giving me a handjob. She never touches me much before sex as part of foreplay - but she always expects and wants it from me and has said things like its "my job to seduce her". If I make it clear I'm thinking of sex and she's in the mood she always wants to leave it to right before bed time because she "can just roll over and go to bed". The problem is she doesn't have to do any rolling over at all - the only position she wants is missionary so she can orgasm and it relies on me to control the depth/speed for that and sometimes I just don't have the energy to focus on that.

Sadly, after being married for 3.5 months I have honestly lost 100% (not 95%, not 98% not 99%) of my desire to have sex with my wife. Before, I knew she didn't want sex as often as I did but she was excited to do it (which made me feel good), but now she's never excited and after her comments I am just really sad. I am so worried it is starting to affect my job and my desire to have fun in life with friends etc. Masturbating has become a replacement to wanting to have sex with my wife.

I have not talked with my wife about this yet, it hasn't been that long and with the variety of feelings I have felt in response to her comments and attitude I decided to write down my feelings over the days so that I can give her a clear picture of the situation. I think I have all the feelings I have felt written down but some advice going into this would help. Every conversation we have had has been initiated by me and I do it calmly and try to listen to her thoughts but it always ends with her basically saying "too bad pal, my way or no way"

Divorce is an option and it has crossed my mind but I think it is too early to seriously think about that option. We have no kids, have about equal paying jobs and brought an equal share of things into the relationship. I cannot believe my wife's attitude has taken such a turn and her lack of caring with regards to how sex is important to me is unbelievable. I almost feel like she is using our marriage as an "out" from putting effort into things that are important to me (its not just sex, but this is the sex forum)

Do other women feel like marriage is an out for sex? Have other men had this happen to them so abruptly? Is it a blessing this happened so early in the marriage? Time to move on?

thanks for reading my length post, hope for advice.


----------



## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

Make your decision NOW and own it. You don't want to wait until kids come to decide that duty sex is not for you. If you decide to stay, don't expect her to change, because likely she won't. If you can't deal with that, get out while the getting is good.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think this is a very common dynamic. If you look through a few pages of posts on this board you will see this scenario played out dozens of times, written both by men and women. I think many of us found our way here googling out of desperation for answers and solutions. At least I know that's how I found this board.

It seems there are a couple of obstacles to this problem. 1) will your spouse admit/believe that this truly is a problem. And then 2) will your spouse work with you to achieve some sort of solution, a compromise between two different ideas about sex. 

While it is possible to find a solution to this problem I don't think it's common because it requires both partners working towards a solution and that solution is not likely going to make either person 100% happy. 

Another sub-set of this problem is genuine desire. A spouse might change to the letter of the law. If you agree to sex 2x/week or if you agree to oral once per month - the spouse can meet this requirement. However I think most of us don't want duty sex. As you said, we want to feel desired. What we crave is the synergy between two people who want each other and want to please each other. This is much more difficult to achieve with a partner who views sex and sexual gratification for their spouse as unimportant. 

It seems the path would be 1) make sure she understands how much this is affecting you and clearly understands that a marriage without the sexual/romantic dynamic is going to fail in time. 2) marriage counseling to resolve the issues (this does not mean you will get 100% of what you are after, but could result in a mutual compromise that will work.) 3) A decision on your part if this will be enough to keep the marriage together or if it's time to cut losses. 

From my own experience and from what I've read here - it seems many people get 'stuck' in the 3rd point and often can spend years evaluating if their partner is trying or not and if they can change their partner or not and weighing the rest of the relationship vs. the sexual void. Some months may be better than others and many of us seem to get stuck seeing progress and then back to square 1 over and over again.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Since you said straight up that divorce is an option....I recommend you get out now. Or at least begin moving in that direction, first by telling her that is the direction you are moving in...to give her that tiny chance she has of turning this around...and second by separating. During separation she might have another chance to turn things around.

In the end though, you might find she is not capable of turning this around even if she loves you. So try not to confuse love with desire right now...there are people who are never going to feel strong desire but who can feel strong love. 

If you are willing to divorce, cut through years of frustration and pain, learn the lesson here, and move forward.

I'm sorry though...that really sucks to be contemplating divorce after only a few months. However, being divorced after a decade of pain an frustration isn't any easier.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's so hard to tell if a woman is uneducated (and I assume most women are) or if she really actually isn't interested in sex. 

It's like getting a back scratch or a massage... Who doesn't love that? 

Tell your wife her attitude about sex is completely unacceptable. Explain how you wish to be treated, desired and wanted by the woman you expect to spend the rest of your life with. Tell her you cannot, will not stay married to a woman who can't be sexually explorative and as giving as her partner.

Then send your wife on a learning expedition. Supply her with links to help her open herself to her sexuality, suggest she seek IC, and remind her this is not a marriage you will live with For The Rest Of Your Life. She needs to know right now, this is a serious deal breaker for you and for many people.

Give your marriage 6 months during which you should see her attitude toward sex change, you should see her initiating more often and see her becoming more demonstrative. If you don't see these changes, you never will no matter what you say or do and then it will be time to cut bait.


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Oh,sounds like another nice guy thread.You go out of
your way to meet her needs but she can't be bothered
about yours.

You have no kids and are only three months in the marriage.
Divorce her now or become like many of us TAM members
who are thinking of divorce after 20 or 30 years.

Sorry to be blunt,but many of us have lived this forever.
Your most likely a nice guy and now that you have that
ring on,your wife assumes you won't ever leave her.

Good Luck


----------



## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

beware "I want a baby" sex!

at some point she may turn into a wild woman on you, and blow your mind- initiating, bj's, sex in risky places... then will come "let's have a baby" you will be seeing stars, and happily go along... then once she gets preggo, your old unsatisfying sex life will look like a Thanksgiving feast. 

beware, beware, beware


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said: 

_While engaged and about a month ago we had some serious talks about sex. The first was about oral sex, my wife doesn't enjoy giving oral sex and she says its only because of the taste

The problem is that I have wanted to try things like flavour gels, chewing gum prior and a diet change to improve the taste but she wont even try. And she has said that she doesn't like trying these things because if we do find something that makes it more enjoyable for her that I would request a blowjob all the time. Her opinion is that "blowjobs are special and I should only get them on special occasions like my birthday or valentines day" ... (that quote is verbatim)._

Eh. So you knew this BEFORE you married, her, right?

::crickets::

Nonetheless, she has told you what she thinks about sex not being important. She will either change her mind or not. If she doesn't, you need to decide whether you want to stay in a marriage like this.


----------



## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

As others have said, you can come back here in about 20 years saying the same thing, or you can cut your losses and get out while you can. She has clearly stated that something that is very important to you is not important to her and will never be.

Many of us are sitting here with kids, homes, etc... that make it much more difficult to leave. You have to decide if you can live with what you have for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Just as a side note - I can't fault a person for being optimistic about their sex life improving after marriage. I think 10-20 years looking back it's really easy to see the error in judgment, but at the time don't you believe every area of your life is going to get better? When I married my husband I expected we would get better jobs and wouldn't always been poor newlyweds, as an example. I expected we would eventually have a real table to eat on and a home we owned and so on. I expected everything would grow over time - including the sex. I think the part about people never changing in certain areas comes with hindsight after you are already married.


----------



## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I am the eternal optimist and have been optimistic for 20 years. Some people just don't change, and typically - not always - sex declines over time. So, if it is at a level that is unacceptable now, it is likely not to get better.

I pray every day that my wife will desire a physical relationship and I keep on going every day with the hope that it will happen one time. But, it is just something that she does not like nor desire and has stated clearly. It is just harder to leave at 20 years than it is at <1 yr of marriage.


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I doubt it will get better, and it certainly won't without you taking drastic action. Threaten divorce and mean it. And if she does suddenly get all enthusiastic about sex make damn sure you don't get her pregnant any time soon.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation. Even if you have been 'together' for five years, you should be in the honeymoon phase having just been married. (maybe not, just commenting)

But it does seem like the sex issue is a deal breaker for you.

What do you really get out of the relationship if you can't get your 'needs' met with the person you married?

There are many threads on here where it shows that married is a sexual relationship.

Your sexual exclusivity is based on your wife's sexual availability.

It is a two way street.

Hope it works out for you no matter what you decide.

Good luck.


----------



## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

It won't get better (probably), hate to say it - I am sorry to say, but I know.... when I started dating my now husband, together 16 years now, I was a virgin. He was always lackluster about wanting sex and I have a high drive. So I have been turned down countless times to where I cried myself to sleep, or feel like I have to "talk him into it" ... and when we did, the foreplay was about 5 minutes if that, and I had trouble getting there because of his lack of excitement and rushing through time for me to get adquately turned on. I never once felt truly desired. I guess to some people it's just not important, but it's very important to me. 

We are going through some very hard times after he had a lengthy EA and possible PA (which the sex issue never changed before, during or after), and I just don't know if I want to sign back up for a life of unfulfilling sex... Which now I don't even want with him after the betrayal. There has to be a reason she isn't that interested, either low hormones or emotional issues? Or, she could just be selfish and is not a "pleaser" type person. I have friends with wives like that; they won't give but want to recieve. Selfish.

You'll eventually become weak due to lack of your needs being met and will be vulnerable to an affair. Intentional or not. IMO

I am always shocked how disinterested women seem in sex. WTF!!!! lol I will take as much as I can get! lol


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

*Print out your post and every response you get on this thread and give them to her. *

She has got to understand that her attitude toward sex will be THE THING that destroys your marriage. She won't accept this truth from you, though. Show her this thread.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Since you said straight up that divorce is an option....I recommend you get out now. Or at least begin moving in that direction, first by telling her that is the direction you are moving in...to give her that tiny chance she has of turning this around...and second by separating. During separation she might have another chance to turn things around.
> 
> In the end though, you might find she is not capable of turning this around even if she loves you. So try not to confuse love with desire right now...there are people who are never going to feel strong desire but who can feel strong love.
> 
> ...


I agree you should get out now. Everything I quoted is absolutely true. But there is another part to this also that you might not appeciate at the moment.

The other issue is your wife has a really sh!tty attitude here. It's one thing for her to tell you that the thrill of sex is gone, fall asleep during what sex you do have, etc. But, fi you read between the lines she's telling you that it's your personal problem, not hers - she isn't much concerned with your needs.

See, when she tells you "it's your job to seduce me" and "you should be happy with what you get" she is basically telling you that you are there to serve her sacrificially - she matters more than you. Do what she wants and you may or may not get laid; don't fawn over her and you won't get squat. This is setting you up for failure - if you aren't happy it's either because you didn't do enough for her or your expectations are too high. Either way it's your fault.

If she cared about your needs and saw you as her equal, she would try to meet your needs and make you feel satisfied regardless of her waning desire or at least reduce her demands on you to be in line with what she's willing to give back. Instead, she's essentially committing to nothing.

Don't make the mistake of thinking this is a sex issue. You'll see the same thing when you have kids, money issues, and the like. Whenever something is important to her and you guys aren't in sync she will expect you to cater to her. It's not about you. She is a femaile chauvinist and you need to run like your a$$ is on fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daSaint (Sep 20, 2013)

soulsearch said:


> beware "I want a baby" sex!
> 
> at some point she may turn into a wild woman on you, and blow your mind- initiating, bj's, sex in risky places... then will come "let's have a baby" you will be seeing stars, and happily go along... then once she gets preggo, your old unsatisfying sex life will look like a Thanksgiving feast.
> 
> beware, beware, beware


so on point!
Don't fall for having a baby with her, even if she suddenly turns into some insatiable sex freak. That way, your choices and decisions won't take a third party (children) into consideration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

"The final killer in my hope of a fulfilling sex life in our marriage came when my wife said, and I quote, "Sex is just not that important to me in our marriage, it was important when we were dating but not anymore". This was about 2 months after getting married. I did cry... but later that day."

This statement should tell you all you need to know about the future of your sex life. It is unlikely that there will be a permanant change in her attitude. This is who she is. Take it from a veteran with the same problem.

If sex was not important to her in a marriage then why did you both take a vow to forsake all others?

Would it be important enough to her to end your marriage if she found out you had sex with someone else while you are married?

Of course it is important in a marriage this is just her way of justifying her lack of effort in your sex life.

I agree with most, if you value a passionate physical relationship, you need to find someone else, because it will not be with her!


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> *Print out your post and every response you get on this thread and give them to her. *
> 
> She has got to understand that her attitude toward sex will be THE THING that destroys your marriage. She won't accept this truth from you, though. Show her this thread.


:iagree: You worded your feelings and frustrations so well in your opening post. Print it out with all of the responses and have a VERY honest discussion with her. Be 100% open and transparent about what each of you needs and desires out of your brand new marriage. 

If this, and probably counseling, doesn't work....at least you tried. Please do this before you have kids and your life gets more complicated. Life it too short. You BOTH deserve to have your needs met in a loving marriage. Good luck to you.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

When people tell you the truth about themselves listen.

After only 3.5 months and no kids. 

I vote RUN.

This won't get better - it will likely get worse.


----------



## WhiskeyJack8 (Nov 18, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the helpful suggestions. I have prepared a written summary of all my feelings and how her attitude has affected my outlook of our marriage so I can slowly talk to her in a serious conversation.

Now comes another issue - when to talk to her. I feel that explaining my feelings is so pivotal to moving forward that I have to do it now. I feel bad that she is working 6 days a week (sometimes evenings and weekends) and her parents are coming to visit for my 30th birthday next week and she is nervous about getting the results of a national exam she wrote a while ago.

On the other hand I feel like I can barely function at work and nothing seems fun in life anymore unless I get this off my chest. I really want to just talk to her TONIGHT. Advice?


----------

