# I met with the OW H today!



## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi All.

You can see my recent history on "Telling the OW's Husband and for Techies text Surveillance - help!"

Last night I confronted my husband about his EA. He swears that it is not a PA, although he admitted only to some kisses and hugs. 

I called the OWH this morning and we met this afternoon. I shared with him a log of texts and phone calls. He shared that his wife promised him in early July that she would cease any contact with my husband. I did not know for sure about the affair until early September. He also told me that he met with my H July 4th weekend to ask him to stop contacting his wife. I never knew this. He also told me that one of his sons caught a romantic text from my husband on his mother's phone.

The OW H is now my ally and today he blocked my husband's phone from his landline and also all 4 cellphones in his house. My husband and I are scheduled for our first MC session on Tuesday. He does not know that I met with OW H today although I told him last night that I'd be contacting him.

OW H and I agreed that our respective spouses seem to think that they're doing nothing wrong and are very smug in their attitude towards their extracurricular activities. It was a very interesting conversation with many parallels. I cannot say that I feel any better having spoken to him, I still feel very sad and betrayed - but I have a bit less anxiety.

I did not speak to my husband today about my meeting with OW H. He did not ask. The blocked phone will probably not be noticed till Monday as they are generally not in contact on weekends. 

I am relaying this to say that I was quite scared and reluctant to contact OW H. I had his phone number for a week before I called him. I am glad that I did. Many of you on TAM encouraged me to do so and that was helpful. It may not be the solution in every case.

Stay tuned.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, an admission of kissing usually means there was more. Oh yeah, I don't parse kissing, in this context, as separate from a physical affair.

This is no longer an EA, it is a PA without an admission of intercourse. Good job in sharing things with the other man. Good luck with marriage counseling.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

daibai - well done you!
I understand that it must have been scary. 
I'm so glad it went well... you do have an ally now!

I agree with phillybeffandswiss... from time spent on TAM it's standard 'cheaters script' to say "we only kissed/hugged" but it usually means they had sex.
Hope we're wrong but it's the way it usually goes.

So what happens now?

Is he willing to drop the OW relationship?

If he won't are you going to stay? 

The other option is living with and being married to a man who has a girlfriend? Not sure how that can be acceptable.


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## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Yes Thank you Waiwera...TAM was very helpful.

Yes, I know in my heart that there was a PA, I'm pretty sure that they had sex. I asked my H 5 times when I confronted him. He knows that I don't believe him. I can't believe how much he is lying. I haven't told him everything that I know about his relationship, only that I have phone logs. But the OW H believes her claims that there was no sex I think. I was a bit incredulous.

I don't know if he is willing to drop her. As I said they don't think they're doing anything terrible, they just have this great friendship. I won't stay under those conditions, of course not. 

I cancelled MC last week before he knew that I knew BECAUSE I felt that I needed to confront him first. Someone on TAM suggested that it was a waste of effort and $ until he is ready to work on the relationship. H was upset that I cancelled -and said so several times- so maybe he is willing to work on us. 

At any rate we have an appt with another MC whom he has chosen next week on Tuesday. Maybe the MC can help. 

H feels that I have been too busy and neglected him and that everything has been about me in our marriage he made all the sacrifices and was very dutiful. The OW H says he heard the same from his W, but we never really heard it expressed that way from our respective spouses until the affair.

I'll keep posting. Thanks.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

daibai said:


> H feels that I have been too busy and neglected him and that everything has been about me in our marriage he made all the sacrifices and was very dutiful. The OW H says he heard the same from his W, but we never really heard it expressed that way from our respective spouses until the affair.


If there was ever proof a cheater's script exists, this would be it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Daibai,

I'm curious , in another thread you say your best friend is a serial cheater and has been for years on her husband. Yet you remain close friends with her, and she tells you everything.

So obviously her having sexual affairs on her husband hasn't caused any kind of outrage or repulsion in you.

Your own husband likely knows of her cheating too, and that you help keep the secret from her husband, and that you accept her cheating.

Is it possible then, that your husband see this as you being more accepting of such behavior, and that it is less likely that you would divorce him over it?

Since you don't have a problem with you best friends husband, who you also call your friend, being in a marriage where is spouse cheats on him a lot, then isn't it a different set of rules you are applying to your own marriage?

I'm not trying to attack you here, so please don't see this as that. I'm also not blaming you for your husband choosing to cheat.

I am trying to discuss the seeming contradiction in your own reactions to cheating. On one hand you accept it in your friend, and even help by keeping the truth from her husband, but on the other hand you do not accept it from your husband and you want to know the truth and are expecting people to be honest and truthful with you.

How would it change your take on things if your cheater friend had sex with your husband?

Would you want to know? Would you tell her husband that she did it then?


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## daibai (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi Shaggy, those are all interesting questions. I'll have to take a look at that post. 

As I said in that post, some time ago I asked her not to share her exploits with me and she has respected that.

My husband does not know of her cheating I did not tell him.

I think that my best friends husband may have some idea but chooses not to deal with it. 

This is their marriage, so I stay out of it. When I say that we talk about everything; we do, just not "that".

I'm sure that my husband is not my best girlfriend's type, so it's a moot point. 

My husband and I agreed several times and over the years that if we were to be attracted to another person and tempted to cheat that we would be honest with each other.

Hope that satisfies your quest for justice and truth, Shaggy! I've answered as honestly as I am able.

Daibai


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

DaiBia, why would you chose to continue with a friend that you know for a fact is a cheater? It is immoral to have such a friend, don't you think? Or perhaps its a case of Birds Of A Feather? I find it telling that you have such a person, then cry the blues about your cheating husband.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Just a thought...if one of your friends knew about your WH's affair but thought your marriage was none of their business, how do you suppose you would feel once the A was discovered, and that they knew?


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

daibai said:


> Hi All.
> 
> You can see my recent history on "Telling the OW's Husband and for Techies text Surveillance - help!"
> 
> ...


I hope all is good with you. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

I think once there is contact with the OW/OM spouse, it some how brings a feeling of not being in the dark anymore and that is a comforting feeling. 

I would say that it may very well be an EA still, at least in a sense. Do they drink when they are together? Having a drink can definitely allow them to move on from EA to PA more impulsively. 

Some people love the EA feeling and hold onto it for a s long as possible. It draws out the longing and it is that longing that they are addicted to, not everyone, but some people. It also makes it really easy for them to feel comfortable staying in the relationship when they feel that since there isn't any sex, and they feel perfectly confident carrying on prior to there being sex.

Problem is and EA is just as damaging as a PA. Really has nothing to do with sex in the end.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Daibai,
> 
> I'm curious , in another thread you say your best friend is a serial cheater and has been for years on her husband. Yet you remain close friends with her, and she tells you everything.
> 
> ...


Has your cheater friend given your husband lessons in cheating? Clearly not, as you found out about his cheating, but your friend's husband is still being kept in the dark by his less than loving wife and you, his less than loyal friend?

Hey. Here's a point. Has your friend had an affair with your husband? *Yet*?


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## eguchijw (Oct 21, 2013)

I haven't told him everything that I know about his relationship.


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