# Need a woman's advice



## Rooster44 (Sep 22, 2017)

Hello and please forgive me if I make grammar mistakes but me and my wife have been together 10 years married for 7 and have 2 kids and one on the way. And my problem is she caught me masterbating and she is basically done with me right now. Now we used to have a great sex life I always put her needs 1st when we have sex and I didn't mb then and I'd much rather have sex with her but life changes that and now it's just a few times a month when she's not pregnant and 0 while she is and I know she's just not in the mood I understand that and I never nag or say anything but I can't turn my sex drive off and I'm not doing it to porn. She won't even talk to me about it it's just I'm evil and she's right. She told me to go find a women that is ok with that cause she's not which I don't want to I just want to be with her but she says sex is more important to me than her but it's not I just like to even a few times a month is that to much to ask I don't know what to do. If you need more info just ask I could really use someone to talk to I don't have anyone. Thank you


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## Old and tired (Sep 18, 2017)

Do you ever compliment her about anything? Not just about sex, but her looks, cooking, mothering, whatever? Do you let her know you appreciate her? I know this doesn't sound like it relates to sex, but I feel much better about sex when I know I'm appreciated. She may feel she isn't good enough and you prefer to masturbate.


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## Rooster44 (Sep 22, 2017)

Yes I do but I know that it will lead to no where I try and help as much as I can but that isn't my problem right now she won't even talk to me cause she caught me mb and she's not ok with that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Rooster44 said:


> ...she *caught* me masterbating and she is basically done with me right now.


 @Rooster44 it might be easy to assume your wife does not approve of masturbation (which may be true), and that is her primary reason to be upset with you. 

In my opinion the fact that she *caught* you doing this, means that you have been hiding your behavior in the relationship instead of just being open about it. THIS is a serious problem that violates trust in the relationship, and now she feels that you are likely capable of hiding other things as well. 

While it is OK to ask your spouse to respect your privacy in certain instances of self exploration, it is however NOT OK to engage in acts of deception and lies in order to gain privacy for this. 

So if you have an urge to be with your wife, she is not available, and you masturbate as a result. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Your wife is the one neglecting you, and you need to point that out to her. You deal with it as best you can, and explain that you may masturbate as a way to help yourself be more patient for her, and then ask her if she would prefer another solution and discuss. 

Don't feel ashamed of masturbated. Do acknowledge that you may have violated her trust by hiding that behavior. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rooster44 said:


> ...my problem is she caught me masterbating and she is basically done with me right now.
> 
> ...we used to have a great sex life .... and I didn't mb then and I'd much rather have sex with her but life changes that and *now it's just a few times a month* when she's not pregnant *and 0 while she is *and I know *she's just not in the mood* I understand that and I never nag or say anything but I can't turn my sex drive off and I'm *not doing it to porn*.
> 
> ...


Wow. A few thoughts. Set up an appointment with a sex therapist. They are marriage counselors with extra training in sexual issues associated with marriage.

You are a sexual being. Except for some highly religious groups, few think that masturbation is sinful, evil or unnatural.

It sounds like you are buying into your wife's belief that masturbation is evil. It is clear if she is telling you to leave her for someone who will allow you to masturbate "cause she's not;" that she believes it is wrong.

Masturbation can be wrong if it is so continuous that it infers with sex in marriage or that it is done in some kind of public or semi-public setting. 



> my problem is she caught me masterbating


You are a sexual being. It is inappropriate for you wife to tell you to deny your sexuality, especially if she will not participate in sex with you. 

It is also inappropriate to hide part of your sexuality from your wife. 

The concept of being "caught" makes me roll my eyes. You are an adult, you are not a child. She is not your mother. She and you are sexual beings there should not be any "caught" or other such verbs.

Again, set up an appointment with a good sex therapist. After that sex up a appointment with a religious minister or person at the church of your wife''s religion. Tell them what happened. Tell them that you want to be faithful to your wife, but that you have urges and needs. If they are halfway reasonable, they will probably tell you that while it would be better if you could restrain yourself, it is far better to masturbate than to cheat on your marriage.

Good luck.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rooster44 said:


> Hello and please forgive me if I make grammar mistakes but me and my wife have been together 10 years married for 7 and have 2 kids and one on the way. And my problem is she caught me masterbating and she is basically done with me right now. Now we used to have a great sex life I always put her needs 1st when we have sex and I didn't mb then and I'd much rather have sex with her but life changes that and now it's just a few times a month when she's not pregnant and 0 while she is and I know she's just not in the mood I understand that and I never nag or say anything but I can't turn my sex drive off and I'm not doing it to porn. She won't even talk to me about it it's just I'm evil and she's right. *She told me to go find a women that is ok with that cause she's not* which I don't want to I just want to be with her but she says sex is more important to me than her but it's not I just like to even a few times a month is that to much to ask I don't know what to do. If you need more info just ask I could really use someone to talk to I don't have anyone. Thank you


Well, that wouldn't be too difficult at all to find. Meh, you are hardly having any sex with her anyway, so if she really wants to be a single mother to three...


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## Rooster44 (Sep 22, 2017)

I get that she feels that i been hiding this then I may be hiding something else. I just mentioned going to a marriage counseler she said that wouldn't help and if you knew me you'd know that I'd be the last person to say that I'm not not the talkative type I mean me talking on here just shows how desperate I am for help. But she says she can't trust me anymore and I know her being pregnant doesn't help with her emotions I just don't know what to do I love her and don't want to be with anyone else.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Masturbation is normal human behavior and the vast majority of men, and most women do it. Almost everyone agrees that it isn't a problem unless it affects your sex life. 

The ONLY situation where I think someone can complain about your ever masturbating is if they are always ready to do anything you ask for in bed, without reciprocation. (not a behavior that I recommend BTW). 




Rooster44 said:


> Yes I do but I know that it will lead to no where I try and help as much as I can but that isn't my problem right now she won't even talk to me cause she caught me mb and she's not ok with that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Rooster44 said:


> But she says she can't trust me anymore and I know her being pregnant doesn't help with her emotions...


You need to be open and answer any questions she may have about your endeavors to engage in self sexual gratification. Be very honest and open and stop worrying that her knowing such things might make her upset. 

I can also promise you that because she is pregnant that she does not want to see her husband ashamed of himself. This will make her feel vulnerable and unprotected. She needs to see you strong emotionally which means you can absolutely not be ashamed of yourself and you need to be 100% confident in yourself as her husband. 

A lot to work on for you...

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Rooster44 (Sep 22, 2017)

I've tried talking to her she just turns whatever I say against me and I don't really act ashamed I told her I said I don't really care to do it but it's been 4 months since we have had sex I said I get that you don't have a sex drive right now but I can't just turn mine off and she said she's not sexual when she's pregnant but instead of being compassionate and understanding I only think about myself and filling my needs.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

Tell her you are thinking of her in that knowing she's not interested in sex right now you took care of yourself instead of asking her to do it.


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## Rooster44 (Sep 22, 2017)

I was and I did tell her that and it didnt help.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Imo you're going to have to stand up for yourself a little more. 

Wife, what I am doing is normal and healthy. I will not be shamed by you for it. 

Unless you specifically agreed to not do it, she'd have to be living under a rock to think you wouldn't be if she's not having regular sex with you. 

By shaming you she is taking the blame off herself. She's giving an excuse why she won't want sex with you and making you the bad guy. 

Don't allow it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Imo you're going to have to stand up for yourself a little more. 

Wife, what I am doing is normal and healthy. I will not be shamed by you for it. 

Unless you specifically agreed to not do it, she'd have to be living under a rock to think you wouldn't be if she's not having regular sex with you. 

By shaming you she is taking the blame off herself. She's giving an excuse why she won't want sex with you and making you the bad guy. 

Don't allow it. Some women need their man to stand up for themselves now and then so they don't end up walked on. Because men who let people walk all over them are not attractive.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You haven't had sex in 4 months because she doesn't want to. You masturbated, NOT to porn. Just so you know: there are millions of women who would have no problem with this.


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## Rooster44 (Sep 22, 2017)

There might be millions of women who wouldn't care but I don't want millions of women I just want my wife we have been together since high school but broke up for a few years before we got married I'm 29 she's 27 and right now she told me to go buy a bed for the upstairs so I can sleep in there for now on


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Then say no and that she's being ridiculous and until she is ready to have a reasonable conversation you don't want to hear it. 
You did nothing wrong.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rooster44 said:


> There might be millions of women who wouldn't care but I don't want millions of women I just want my wife we have been together since high school but broke up for a few years before we got married I'm 29 she's 27 and right now she told me to go buy a bed for the upstairs so I can sleep in there for now on


Well, then I guess you are stuck with a wife who has these kind of responses. A partner who *tells* you you are sleeping elsewhere, because you masturbated (not to porn!) after she didn't want to have sex with you for 4 months. Carry on!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

While she may have no sex drive...have you asked her if she would take care of you in this regard? Give you a hand as it were. She could solve this whole thing...


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## Rooster44 (Sep 22, 2017)

I'm starting to think I'm basically screwed and not in a good way cause it doesn't matter how much I try to reason she would have to hear it from someone else for it to do any kind of good but that's not going to happen I've asked her 2 times to do counseling and shot down on both


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She doesn't want to be told by someone, especially not a professional, that she's denying your normal, healthy needs. That means that you "win" and she's "wrong." The thing is, she deserves to have her needs met, too. That's what happens in a healthy relationship. Reciprocation. 

Honestly, her opinion won't change unless she wants it to. You're going to be living in a separate bedroom now until further notice? You will become roommates... You may as well preserve your dignity and let her go now.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

She most likely feels very vulnerable right now being pregnant. She probably also feels guilty knowing she's not meeting your needs. The only time I caught my husband masterbating to porn I was shocked because I had no idea he did that. I don't approve of porn. I feel very inadequate compared to porn stars. I also hadn't been approached for sex that day. I did choose to handle it differently I told him if he'd prefer a real woman to porn I'd be in the bedroom. But it could have went another way. Having this many children especially if the other two are small does usually kill libido in women. Knowing we aren't meeting our husband sexual needs also makes us feel vulnerable and not safe in our relationship. I don't know how to fix this as I don't know your wife 'well' enough. I would work with trying to let her know what you've expressed here that you love her and only her. That you only want and desire her. That it's hard being around her desiring her (notice that's about her and not just about sex) without being able to touch her and have her touch you. Try touching her, frequently. In passing in the hall place a hand on her shoulder for a moment. In the car reach over squeeze her knee. Sleep in your bed. Tell you love her and you aren't going to let her push you away. 

Sometimes we push you away or say stupid things like go find another woman because we are afraid that's what you want.

Be reassuring. And unlike others I'd say stop masterbating for awhile. After awhile try touching her in bed. If go gentle and slow invest in good lube ( I like Lulu) try to give her a good fingering, get her worked up. Don't try penetrive sex unless she says it's ok. A vibrator would possibly be good here. if she does show interest in sex then spooning is easiest on me when pregnant. If she doesn't just let it lie for the first time. If she expresses any desire but no interest in sex let her work on a hand job. But your here right now to fix your relationship then work on sex.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I see nothing wrong with a person masturbating, better than cheating. 

Is she uptight about sex at all?


Your wife needs to talk to you about this if it bothering her, marriage needs communication. Have you tried to broach the subject with her?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rooster I'd like to add. I'm not saying masterbating is bad. But any activity in a marriage is usually something negotiated to both people comfort. Many times the negotiation isn't verbal. She's made it plain that it bothers her and you've made it plain you want to fix the problem. While denying yourself sexual pleasure isn't necessarily a long term solution, we first have to get to s point where you guys can communicate and feel safe doing so.


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

OMG you are fine to masturbate esp. when wife pregnant, etc. I am sure most women do in times of need. You can't help bodily urges. Guarantee your wife has done it at some time in her life. Who hasn't?? I don't mind that my husband does it when I'm not available or around, prefer he doest tell me, but if I'm there I would prefer he not do it ... so then we have better sex! The only problem is when men want it to be a habit, a pattern, and they don't get aroused by their wife bc they are constantly in this pattern of looking at other women or porn and they need to look at that to be happy. Find a story/magazine or sex book that shows how it can be incorporated into your sex life... could be steamy!!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Don't try to reason with her and don't try to humour such nonsense. Don't tip toe around her, don't let her shame you and don't yield to such stupidity.

Just tell her to piss off and that you will sleep in your own bed as you like, whenever you like. Plus you should also tell her to get over herself, grow up and that you will masturbate as often as you like, whenever you like and however you like.

As to her not having sex with you for 4 months when she is capable of having sex, you should replace her as she recommends.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I disagree with comments here. I truly believe there is more to your marriage issues than she has let on. She cant be done with you just because she caught you masturbating. When was the last time you both had sex? Does she have a passcode on her phone which you dont know the pin for? Is she secretive with her electronic devices?


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

*Personal said
Don't try to reason with her and don't try to humour such nonsense. Don't tip toe around her, don't let her shame you and don't yield to such stupidity.

Just tell her to piss off and that you will sleep in your own bed as you like, whenever you like. Plus you should also tell her to get over herself, grow up and that you will masturbate as often as you like, whenever you like and however you like.

As to her not having sex with you for 4 months when she is capable of having sex, you should replace her as she recommends. *

I agree with the above. YES your W will be angry with you but she is being unreasonable and overly controlling. She is TOTALLY wrong and you are normal. If you want to go to marriage counseling, go alone and tell your W you intend to do what the MC advises with or without her. I can tell you right now, the more your W can dictate and try to enforce her crazy ideas, the worse the marriage will become. Don't move out of the bedroom. She can if she wants to. 

My W had 2 babies and we had sex up to 3 or 4 weeks before her due date. After the delivery, we waited 3 or 4 weeks and resumed having sex.

To me the 4 months of no sex is just crazy. People have needs that can not be turned off, they come out some other place and masturbation is one of those places.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Rooster, download and read this book "No More Mr Nice Guy"

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Personal said:


> Don't try to reason with her and don't try to humour such nonsense. Don't tip toe around her, don't let her shame you and don't yield to such stupidity.
> 
> Just tell her to piss off and that you will sleep in your own bed as you like, whenever you like. Plus you should also tell her to get over herself, grow up and that you will masturbate as often as you like, whenever you like and however you like.
> 
> As to her not having sex with you for 4 months when she is capable of having sex, you should replace her as she recommends.


QFT.


Thankfully you posted.
I was starting to think this was bizarro land for a minute. One of the strangest threads I have read.


OP. You either need to seriously grow a backbone or you are leaving out a lot of details. I can't seriously see anyone freaking out over what you just described. And if so, how do you have that many children with that woman?

Something is off about this. Just plain weird!


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

More than a backbone, you sound like a child. She treats you like a child. Here's the thing man. It ain't EVER getting better for you. She will be like this or worse from now on. If you want to spend the rest of your life like this, then cut your nuts off and just hand them to her. At least you won't want sex as much.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Rooster44 said:


> I'm starting to think I'm basically screwed and not in a good way cause it doesn't matter how much I try to reason she would have to hear it from someone else for it to do any kind of good but that's not going to happen I've asked her 2 times to do counseling and shot down on both


I'm certain this is no more than her exerting control over you, plain and simple.

My ex wife (although not this bad) had a similar outlook on this sort of thing - yet would masturbate, herself, and fairly regularly, too. But she was a textbook control freak, thus hypocrite. Although she never quite took it this far, it was certainly implied that my masturbation was some sort of slight to her.

Oddly enough, my current wife almost has the reverse issue, in that she is the one who feels some slight guilt about masturbating, yet is quite fine with me doing it. Perhaps that was a learned behaviour from a previous relationship, or relationships. She does do it (occasionally), yet is not at all open about it - which is fine. She's not a highly sexual person, so perhaps her 'guilt' is due to not coming to me for sexual activity from time to time. No matter how often I tell her it's perfectly normal and that I'm fine (even happy) if she does it, she can't seem to shake the feeling that it's got even a slightly negative connotation to it.

Look, as others have said, it's actually pretty rare for anyone to truly be against masturbation, or think that it's evil or bad for a marriage or relationship. More likely, people who say so have little self esteem and/or are control freaks (the two usually go hand-in-hand).

Many people can and do enjoy both, and to many (myself included) they are two different things. It's not always a replacement for one's partner, or for sex in general. Sometimes it is. Either way, it's not a big deal - unless you're rejecting your partner in lieu of solo time, of course.

But this kind of outlook on masturbation reaches ludicrous levels when one is not having sex in the first place, and is then chided for masturbating. That screams "control freak" to me. I don't think your wife truly has an issue with masturbating, she has an issue with self esteem.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* I'm starting to think I'm basically screwed and not in a good way cause it doesn't matter how much I try to reason .....*

You can't reason with a person with her crazy beliefs so do not expect reasoning will work in the smallest way for you. Working with crazy is a no win situation. You are OK, your wife is wrong.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Rooster44 said:


> I'm starting to think I'm basically screwed and not in a good way cause it doesn't matter how much I try to reason she would have to hear it from someone else for it to do any kind of good but that's not going to happen I've asked her 2 times to do counseling and shot down on both


Just give her some time to cool down and drop the topic for a while...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

^^^

That's a rather weak and passive approach. 

Since a significant part of the OPs problems are fed by his passivity. I can't see how a big dose of more of the same dreck, will do him any favours.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rooster44 said:


> Hello and please forgive me if I make grammar mistakes but me and my wife have been together 10 years married for 7 and have 2 kids and one on the way. And my problem is she caught me masterbating and she is basically done with me right now. Now we used to have a great sex life I always put her needs 1st when we have sex and I didn't mb then and I'd much rather have sex with her but life changes that and now it's just a few times a month when she's not pregnant and 0 while she is and I know she's just not in the mood I understand that and I never nag or say anything but I can't turn my sex drive off and I'm not doing it to porn. She won't even talk to me about it it's just I'm evil and she's right. She told me to go find a women that is ok with that cause she's not which I don't want to I just want to be with her but she says sex is more important to me than her but it's not I just like to even a few times a month is that to much to ask I don't know what to do. If you need more info just ask I could really use someone to talk to I don't have anyone. Thank you


Good lord.

Does she tell you when you can go to the bathroom, too? 

Honestly, you sound like a 13 year old kid whose mother caught him whacking off to a Hustler magazine. And the fact that you're too damned afraid to stand up for yourself just means you're sealing your fate and will always be under her thumb. Actually, I'll assume that's where you've always been, anyway.

So. Are you looking for suggestions on how to pander to her ridiculous demands that SHE controls your body, or are you looking for suggestions on how to get your testicles back so you can stand the hell up for yourself?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good lord.
> 
> Does she tell you when you can go to the bathroom, too?
> 
> ...


I'd like to nicely point out that abusive relationships are non-gender-specific, and that comments like this do nothing to help the person out of their situation.

I didn't realize how mentally and emotionally abusive my ex wife was to me until the last couple of years of our marriage. I just lived it, often making excuses for her in my own head, and also to friends and family. She would often apologize, tell me she loved me, then go right back to her usual self.

Hindsight is always 20/20, and viewed through the eyes of an outsider (like us) it's always much easier to ask why the person is putting up with it, or why don't you just leave, or why do you allow this person to do this, etc.

My reality, during that first marriage, was that there was also good, to counter the bad. In retrospect, of course I shouldn't have put up with it (or stayed). But when you're in the midst of it, you just don't realize what is actually happening. It becomes part of your daily life, and you deal with it, because it's "not that bad". :|

I found myself constantly rationalizing her behaviour. It was due to this, this or this. She doesn't mean it. She apologizes. She really does love me.

This was 9, 10 years ago. I sometimes wonder if I'd still be with her, had she not met the OM. I'd like to think I would have had enough at some point, but I genuinely don't know.

Long story short, it sometimes takes not being around that person anymore to realize the extent of things. It took me all of TWO WEEKS without my ex wife to wake up. That was it. It was a difficult two weeks, but I woke up one day, realized I hadn't been badgered, hounded, derided, guilted or insulted in that long, and that it felt good.

In a strange twist of fate, this OM coming along was the best thing that could have happened to me. I almost want to send the dude a card every year, but I've long forgotten what my d-day was!

So was I a ***** for putting up with it? Certainly. And if I was friends with myself back during that time, I would have said "dude, what are you doing???". But it would have fallen on deaf ears. These situations usually start out slowly, and you don't realize how you got from point A to point B. I didn't. My ex wife and I were GREAT, at one point. Equals. Loving, caring, everything you could want and hope for in a partner. There were years of absolute perfection, in all honesty. But it all happened so slowly. I still can't fathom how she and I ended up how we did.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rooster44 said:


> There might be millions of women who wouldn't care but I don't want millions of women I just want my wife we have been together since high school but broke up for a few years before we got married I'm 29 she's 27 and right now she told me to go buy a bed for the upstairs so I can sleep in there for now on


Well.

I can see why you're so charmed by her. :smthumbup:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

alexm said:


> I'd like to nicely point out that abusive relationships are non-gender-specific, and that comments like this do nothing to help the person out of their situation.


Well with all due respect, he's looking for 'advice' on how to *cater* to his wife rather than stand the hell UP to her and finally show himself a little* self respect.* I'm not going to delude him into kissing her ass like he wants so desperately to do. Not happening.

This constant gender nonsense has nothing to do with it. If it were a woman being bossed around like this by her husband, I'd be telling HER the same damned thing - to find her *self respect* and to stand up for herself.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Rooster44 said:


> There might be millions of women who wouldn't care but I don't want millions of women I just want my wife we have been together since high school but broke up for a few years before we got married I'm 29 she's 27 *and right now she told me to go buy a bed for the upstairs so I can sleep in there from now on.*


*Now this measure, IMHO, is beyond extreme!

You two are in dire need of marriage counseling with the prevalence of this ogreish behavior of hers! *


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its not that simple. People in abusive relationships can get themselves into the mindset that what they are experiencing is "normal". This can be the woman who thinks that most husbands beat their wives when they "misbehave", or who think that having their husband monitor their every move, refuse to let them leave the house without permission etc is "normal". 

Women can abuse men psychologically as well as physically. I'd never tell an abused woman that its "her fault" for putting up with the abuse, and I won't tell a man that either. 




She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well with all due respect, he's looking for 'advice' on how to *cater* to his wife rather than stand the hell UP to her and finally show himself a little* self respect.* I'm not going to delude him into kissing her ass like he wants so desperately to do. Not happening.
> 
> This constant gender nonsense has nothing to do with it. If it were a woman being bossed around like this by her husband, I'd be telling HER the same damned thing - to find her *self respect* and to stand up for herself.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Rooster44 said:


> Hello and please forgive me if I make grammar mistakes but me and my wife have been together 10 years married for 7 and have 2 kids and one on the way. And my problem is she caught me masterbating and she is basically done with me right now. Now we used to have a great sex life I always put her needs 1st when we have sex and I didn't mb then and I'd much rather have sex with her but life changes that and now it's just a few times a month when she's not pregnant and 0 while she is and I know she's just not in the mood I understand that and I never nag or say anything but I can't turn my sex drive off and I'm not doing it to porn. She won't even talk to me about it it's just I'm evil and she's right. She told me to go find a women that is ok with that cause she's not which I don't want to I just want to be with her but she says sex is more important to me than her but it's not I just like to even a few times a month is that to much to ask I don't know what to do. If you need more info just ask I could really use someone to talk to I don't have anyone. Thank you


You have titled this thread "Need a woman's advice". I am a woman and here is my advice.

There is nothing you can do to fix this current situation right now. Your wife believes masturbation is wrong and evil - for whatever reason. I am guessing she equates it to cheating on her. She believes you are evil for doing it. She is disgusted by seeing you do it and now does not want anything to do with you. You can not undo what she saw and she believes she is right to feel what she does. The only way to fix this is to get her to change her beliefs - and i am fairly certain that is not happening in the near future - her beliefs won't change from anything that comes out of your mouth - since you are the evil person doing the evil deed and are just justifying your evilness (in her mind). 

If you have not figured this out yet - let me put this bluntly - She is not going to accept any explanation, any logic, or apparently any apologies from you - at least not right now! Maybe with time - she will soften her attitude towards you and forgive you. But even then - her beliefs will most likely not have changed. If that is the case you will either need to accept that your sex life will most likely always be what she dictates - including that you are NOT allowed to masturbate - ever - even if or when your marriage is sexless. 

She does not accept that sex is important and a need for you or your marriage. She sees sex as a selfish want on your part. The fact that you masturbate - in her mind - has proven that your wanting sex to be close to her and to show love to her is just a lie - and sex is simply an evil act of seeking pleasure because you want the pleasure - and nothing else. 

Unfortunately - the only way to counter her faulty beliefs - is to seek professional help to try to get her to see that they are not only faulty beliefs but also detrimental ones to your relationship and to your marriage. But she refuses to go counseling with you - and you can't force her to go. 

It's clear to me and probably some of the other readers here - you also have your own faulty beliefs and issues that also need to be dealt with professionally. I may be reading this into your story - but I suspect that you avoid conflict at all costs and allow your wife to rule the nest - giving her the impression you agree with her and are going along with what she dictates (at least when she is around) - even when you don't agree with her - instead of standing up to her and expressing your disagreements

Based on all of the above - here is my advice:

Sit your wife down and tell her that there are major problems in your relationship and your marriage is being damaged by it. Tell her you both have contributed to it - and that you both are going to have to work to work together to solve the problems before the marriage is totally destroyed. Don't talk about what the problems are - don't hash out anything without the help of a good counselor. Ask her if she would be willing to work with you on your relationship and marriage and attend counseling sessions to get the help you both need. If she still refuses to go with you. Tell her that you are very worried and concerned about your relationship and are not sure the marriage can survive the damage that has happened and will continue to happen if you both stay on the destructive course you are currently on. Tell her you will be seeking help without her to fix your side of the fence and to work through the important decisions you will have to make concerning your marriage, especially if she continues to not be willing to work on fixing her side of the fence. 

Then follow through with getting professional help.

You can't fix your wife's side of the relationship - only she can do that. The best thing for you to do is to focus solely on your side. And as I said before - I believe you need professional help to do that. Maybe when she sees you are serious about doing your part, she will decide to also work on her part.

As far as leaving the bed - now is the time to start to stand up to her. Tell her that you will not be moving out of the marital bed. If she chooses to - although you really don't want her to choose to leave - you can not stop her. Then tell her that if she chooses to leave the marital bed, that choice would signify to you that she is no longer willing to work on making your marriage work and that will be one of the things you will have to consider when making your decisions about the marriage.

Don't continue to bury your head in the sand here. Your marriage is in deep trouble and neither of you are equipped with the right tools to dig it out. 

I hope you won't be one of the poster who only comes here to vent. ACT and ACT NOW.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well with all due respect, he's looking for 'advice' on how to *cater* to his wife rather than stand the hell UP to her and finally show himself a little* self respect.* I'm not going to delude him into kissing her ass like he wants so desperately to do. Not happening.
> 
> This constant gender nonsense has nothing to do with it. If it were a woman being bossed around like this by her husband, I'd be telling HER the same damned thing - to find her *self respect* and to stand up for herself.


Right, but mocking him and otherwise insulting his manhood is not advice.

I'm with you, I just think a different choice of words would be more helpful. Meh.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> Its not that simple. People in abusive relationships can get themselves into the mindset that what they are experiencing is "normal". This can be the woman who thinks that most husbands beat their wives when they "misbehave", or who think that having their husband monitor their every move, refuse to let them leave the house without permission etc is "normal".
> 
> Women can abuse men psychologically as well as physically. I'd never tell an abused woman that its "her fault" for putting up with the abuse, and I won't tell a man that either.


Thank you.

I didn't realize (like I said) the extent of it until she was gone. And when she was, half a dozen of my buddies, when hearing the news from me said "about time" or other similar things. No joke. My oldest friend, a guy I've known since I was 8, said - quote: "Thank God, I didn't like her anyway".

When you're treated like crap, you don't always REALIZE you're being treated like crap. As U said above, it becomes the norm. You get used to it. You expect it.

In my case, I was more or less isolated from the real world, as my ex wife didn't "like my friends". Over the ~14 years I was with her, she went through her own friends like clothing. And forget couple friends...

Psychological, mental and emotional abuse are all very subversive. It's almost like being conditioned. You simply don't realize it's happening - sometimes ever. It's not like it starts out that way.

Trust me when I tell you, I felt STUPID for having spent so long with that woman - but only after she was gone. I sometimes still can't believe the person I was back then.

Unfortunately, both OP and I seemed to have married high school sweethearts, as it were. In the case of my ex wife, she was (almost) all I knew. I had (and still have, TBH) fond memories of her from when we were 17, 18, 19. No doubt that this was a big reason why I stayed with her.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Rooster44 said:


> I've tried talking to her she just turns whatever I say against me and I don't really act ashamed I told her I said I don't really care to do it but it's been 4 months since we have had sex I said I get that you don't have a sex drive right now but I can't just turn mine off and she said she's not sexual when she's pregnant but instead of being compassionate and understanding I only think about myself and filling my needs.



I will be celebrating 29 years of marriage to my second wife in a few weeks. She is rarely interested in sex and I am long past wanting another woman but I do get horny so like you I masturbate. Even when we were in our first years of marriage I would masturbate from time to time. You show me any man who claims he has never masturbated during his marriage and I'll show you a liar. If I were you the next time you feel the urge for an orgasm I'd invite the wife to come lend a hand. 


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