# christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex



## onebigknot

I am engaged to be married to a great Christian guy. He is a catch: handsome, hard worker, and i am proud of him.

We have been dating for nearly 4 years. For the first year or so I was desperate to jump into bed with him, but we always resisted, saving ourselves for marriage. Now that marriage is actually on the horizon I realize I have gotten used to being 'hands off' and have virtually no sexual desire for him. I find it ok to make out with him, but if he grabs my boobs or puts his hand anywhere 'down there' I pull it away immediately. He thinks its because I'm being chaste but its because i have this repulsion against it. 

This has happened to me before in a previous relationship, where after several years of restricted sexual contact, it turned into a brother/sister relationship... and then someone else came along who fired me up!

I have talked to my fiance about this a bit before, but its hard because it makes him sad and does nothing to help the situation.

It is depressing because I know I will never meet such a great match as my fiance again, but the thought of not looking forward to our wedding night, or possibly not enjoying being physical with him after that, is dreadful.

On the other hand, sometimes I think that when we do start having sex it might bring us close together and 'unlock' that side of the relationship and the sparks could fly again? But then why don't i like him touching me now?

About a year ago, we went through a bad patch when he started talking to me without respect (adopting the critical behaviour and language of his father.) It was a very dark time for me, but we managed to work through it and he has not reverted to treating me like that since. Mentally I really appreciate and respect him being able to change his behaiour, but perhaps it has put me 'on guard' emotionally and therefore sexually too? Do you think that could have been a trigger?

Both of us realise that sex is not the _most_ important factor in a marriage and understand that the libido naturally lessens over time. But I also know how incompatible sexual appetites can cause big problems in marriages.

What do you think? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'd be so grateful for any thoughts, it has been weighing down on me for months.

A little more info: I am 29, he is 32, we don't share an apartment but spend most of our time together. We have been engaged 4 months, but there's no date yet as I have been holding if off because of this worry!

'Testing out' sleeping together before marriage is not an option.

Therapy/counceling is not really possible where I live either.

Thanks so much for reading this.


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## Married but Happy

I have to wonder if the spark can be rekindled, given how you now feel. I guess that's the key consideration, as it would be unfair to him to marry him if you do not desire him. He's waited this long - and I'm sure he expects a LOT more from marriage.


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## JustHer

One thing you could try is to talk to yourself. This can reset your brain. The brain is an amazing organ, it will believe what it is told. We are constantly talking to ourselves. You have been telling yourself "no sex, no sex, no sex" for so long, you have trained your brain for "no sex". 

Start telling yourself "I can't wait to have sex with .... on our wedding night", "I can't wait to share myself with this great person, on our wedding night", etc.

Sexual enjoyment is not only physical, but emotional as well. I am sure you will be shocked to learn that women can have orgasms in their sleep, while dreaming. This is brought on strictly from the brain with no physical stimulation at all. So, talk to yourself.


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## SimplyAmorous

onebigknot said:


> I am engaged to be married to a great Christian guy. He is a catch: handsome, hard worker, and i am proud of him.
> 
> *We have been dating for nearly 4 years. For the first year or so I was desperate to jump into bed with him, but we always resisted, saving ourselves for marriage. Now that marriage is actually on the horizon I realize I have gotten used to being 'hands off' and have virtually no sexual desire for him. I find it ok to make out with him, but if he grabs my boobs or puts his hand anywhere 'down there' I pull it away immediately. He thinks its because I'm being chaste but its because i have this repulsion against it. *


This is so very very sad... This is why I feel Christianity goes too far when it comes to .... God gave us these desires...back then people married in their TEENS ... not that we have to go ALL THE WAY...we don't...we can have an agreed boundary written in the sand -if this is what you both want... but it's important to keep the intimacy...your sex drives still pumping...some fantasy, anticipation for each other... this must be...or it's not healthy....



> *Just Her said*: *The brain is an amazing organ, it will believe what it is told. We are constantly talking to ourselves. You have been telling yourself "no sex, no sex, no sex" for so long, you have trained your brain for "no sex". *


 

This HAS happened to others.. 

*>>* I will never forget the story I read on a  The Marriagebed .org  ...(a Christian sex forum)...it was years ago now but I never forgot it...this couple met at college, had hot sex for a time, then they both got "saved" and decided - to go cold turkey (for God).. no touching... well... in time his Girlfriend/ now fiance lost all sexual wantings/ feelings towards the act... by the time they got to marriage, he was ready to jump in where they left off... excited, anticipated (he didn't discuss how heh handled himself - my guess lots of masturbating -thinking of her alone)... - on their wedding night...she says to him....she hasn't thought about sex for a long long time, has no want of it, and never cares if she has it again...he heart sank... and here he was posting this 6 months into their marriage... no change, he was distraught, beside himself and depressed, a lonely man contemplating getting a divorce.....

I wanted to scream into my computer...it was so obvious what happened here... and they DID IT TO THEMSELVES... was it really God's rules that set this up.. or man's RULES to how stringent we THINK God expects of us... (this is what I see- personally)....

She utterly repressed/ suppressed her sex drive towards him...it simply DIDN'T have to happen... .those 2 could have continued touching... the emotional connection growing ... and held off the PIV sex... this would have been DO-able.. instead they jumped to the PURITY route -that makes one feel guilty/ ashamed of any sort of sexual anything....for our God given natural drives towards each other... some things should be saved till marriage -if we feel strongly about them... but why such a black & white, all or nothing mentality.. I see this far too often in christian circles, it ends up hurting more than it helps.. causing great REPRESSION in our young people. 

*>>* Another story... Please click here -Read post # 74  ... same thing... even more similar to your dilemma...they were Youth leaders...her lust for him was very intense in the beginning...so strong she had to pray against it....and well ... something snapped, it was TURNED OFF...she got her prayers answered alright.....she lost any sexual feelings she had at all...it was so bad her marriage was sexless for the 1st 3-4 yrs...her poor husband .... and she needed Therapy to turn this around... very very .. these things do NOT have to happen. When she came to this forum , she was just getting in touch with those feelings again... she was angry at all she missed & put her husband through...trying to pick up the pieces...

Me & my husband... I was the one trying to live as "a good girl"...back then... christian beliefs ....what conflict with my raging hormones it was [email protected]#$ I can say this.... there was no way on the side of enjoying my life or BF we wasn't going to touch below the belt.. we just held off on intercourse.. some may call that "riding the fence" and judge me/ us.. that's fune...I'll take it...

But for us...we felt good about what we did, how we loved...and still having something new & beautiful to bring to our wedding day (intercourse).....and our emotional connection flourished ..we never lost our sex drives.. plus we weren't going stark raving mad with-holding touching each other either. 



> *I have talked to my fiance about this a bit before, but its hard because it makes him sad and does nothing to help the situation.*


 Do you know if he masturbates ? Can he talk openly about this -without shame ? Or does his beliefs feel this is wrong also... 

Most men-even those with christian beliefs still struggle wanting to Look, touch, get frisky, overloads of testosterone can really mess with their heads and generally they want to go there..badly...and even sneak porn on occasion...... even on that christian forum... which sub section has the highest post count... "Pornography"... 

Even if a couple is not having sex, they should be able to open up and talk deeply about Sex...good to read books in preparaton before marriage... this is very healthy...

These are 2 really good ones:

*1.* Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Books (Christian author)- wonderful [email protected]#

*2.* The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex, Books- don't let the title be little you, it's a great book!




> *It is depressing because I know I will never meet such a great match as my fiance again, but the thought of not looking forward to our wedding night, or possibly not enjoying being physical with him after that, is dreadful.*


 this is not a good place to be. I think you both need to start touching each other... I'm dead serious...awaken the passion...the intimacy....just vow to not go all the way.. My goodness..is this such a sin!... I think I'd wonder if he has Gay tendencies if he can't go here.. You and he both need to be reawakened by each others touch...you are going to marry this [email protected]#$ 

WHat has been the furthest you and he has went intimacy wise in the last 4 yrs? Has he ever had sex in his past ? you ? Have you both talked about this ?



> *On the other hand, sometimes I think that when we do start having sex it might bring us close together and 'unlock' that side of the relationship and the sparks could fly again? But then why don't i like him touching me now?*


 extremely risky to go into a marriage feeling this way, I would NEVER DO IT !! I'd tell my sons to run like hell from a woman who felt this way..(sorry just being honest!).....but even you, if he didn't want to touch you...I'd say the same...These are very bad signs... you & he should be highly anticipating, thirsting for this glorious day to be together, cementing your Union, this fusion you have waited for, that means so very much to you both..representing you & he as ONE... Nothing less.



> About a year ago, *we went through a bad patch when he started talking to me without respect (adopting the critical behaviour and language of his father.) It was a very dark time for me, but we managed to work through it and he has not reverted to treating me like that since*. Mentally I really appreciate and respect him being able to change his behaiour, but perhaps it has put me 'on guard' emotionally and therefore sexually too? Do you think that could have been a trigger?


 THis part sounds concerning to me.. *how did he feel you was not RESPECTING HIM.*.. and what is his father LIKE ?? How do YOU feel about his father...and does HE look up to him ? Do not miss such red flags.  

I ask...as some men can take the scriptures and brow beat...in unhealthy manipulative ways that was never meant to be... be weary here. I married a very loving man, I have never been met with the "you are not respecting me enough" talk from him... 



> *Both of us realise that sex is not the most important factor in a marriage and understand that the libido naturally lessens over time. But I also know how incompatible sexual appetites can cause big problems in marriages.*


 Never underestimate the power and wondermous intimacy sex brings to a marriage... it may be less than 10% of your union, but when one is not getting enough/ mismatched libido's , one feeling rejected/ undesired... it can cut like a knife, cause horrendous frustration/ resentment - we don't marry to be celibate ! - so it can feel like 90% of your marital issues..

There are different *Libido Types*... *Lover styles*.. Sex is a very deep and vast subject... the learning & growing is always there. . 




> '*Testing out' sleeping together before marriage is not an option*.


 touching, making out... even giving each other orgasms .....a man doesn't have to stick it in.....and you both can learn a tremendous amount about each other -this way... We waited for intercourse for over 6 long years (I was 15 when we met)... until our wedding night..(that is what I wanted) .. ...we never struggled with the things you & he are going through... we both knew we loved sex...and could orgasm... but sure... a little judgement from the church (not that I was anxiously opening my mouth about it)..... I wouldn't care about that...most sitting in those pews do not even wait....

I do not believe GOD is that much of a kill Joy...he wants us to enjoy ourselves down here - -to love and feel loved.. intimacy is huge part of this.. but in all things... use integrity, don't use people... marriage is a blessing..it is the foundation of the family structure... Go into it wisely... I vote.. Reawaken the passion !


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## norajane

SimplyAmorous said:


> this is not a good place to be. I think you both need to start touching each other... I'm dead serious...awaken the passion...the intimacy....just vow to not go all the way..
> 
> touching, making out... even giving each other orgasms .....a man doesn't have to stick it in.....and you both can learn a tremendous amount about each other -this way...


:iagree:

Start ramping up for marriage right now! 

If you don't masturbate, please start and try fantasizing about your husband, how his hands will feel on your body, how he will feel to you. 

Do a lot of making out and "everything but" so that you stir up the dormant desire that's just waiting to catch fire. 

Think about sex, read about sex, talk about sex. The more it's on your mind, the stronger your desire will be for each other. Flirt with each other, tease each other, touch each other.


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## Fozzy

Take this advice from SA and NoraJane and run with it. Just do yourself a favor. DO NOT get married until you get this sorted out. 

I understand you have personal boundaries regarding premarital sex, and therapy isn't an option for whatever reason. I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that the way to act with integrity here is to be honest with your fiance about how you're feeling and be adamant that you won't get married until you have this issue sorted out. Don't count on things fixing themselves just because you have a wedding ceremony.


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## COfan

Have you thought about going to a medical doctor to see if perhaps some medication, hormonal imbalance or other medical issue could be the culprit? Can you talk with your pastor or pastor's wife about this? Maybe you'll find this series of articles from the Focus on the Family website helpful in changing the way you view sex. God's Design for Sex.  You might also want to get a copy of the book by Clifford and Joyce Penner, _The Gift of Sex_. Hoping you get this figured out soon!


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## FormerSelf

Depending on your personal background there could be lots of reasons as to why your sense of security has been triggered regarding sex. Sex, however, is not an isolated part of us yet traditional Christian approach to it often compartmentalizes sexuality, mainly by not bringing it up.
There is an expectaion or feeling from sex that you are hoping to achieve and it predicated on factors that you may not quite know what they are. At the same time you sense that your respect for him has been compromised and that is hugely affecting how sexual you feel towards him. This isn't about sex...this is really about specific things that you hope to see in your partner...and preparing your life together. When certain things aren't in place...your openness, your vulnerability are challenged regarding him...AND THAT ALWAYS will affect how sexual you will feel towards him...as sex is the ultimate state of vulnerability...of intimacy.
Now you have to ask yourself...is it really him? Or is he paying for someone else that maybe hurt you? Are his trangressions really that destructive or maybe you have a problem with forgiving people? In either case, if you don't feel sexual towards someone you don't feel sexual someone. And if that is a dealbreaker for you, then you better figure it out now...cos if you just ignore it then it will just go bad later. It has to be confronted...and you can't be worried about his feelings, cos if he can't deal with hard stuff now, then when will he deal with it? If you can't do the counseling thing then you need to get everybook on every subject regarding marriage, sex. 
I was a nice Christian guy that married a Christian girl with a bad past. We were the best of friends, but we didn't deal with the big things before we got married. She had a hard time feeling sexual towards me because of her past and she had a hard time respecting me...so she cheated numerous times...off and on. Trust me...deal with the tough stuff now.


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## WorkingOnMe

When people make it to 30 and still a virgin the fact is they're not very sexual people. If you two were into it...into each other, you would have married years ago. Do yourself a favor; he's not the one.


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## reesespieces

WorkingOnMe said:


> When people make it to 30 and still a virgin the fact is they're not very sexual people. If you two were into it...into each other, you would have married years ago. Do yourself a favor; he's not the one.


I disagree. My husband and I waited the same amount of time before marriage and sex and we were all over each other once we tied the knot. We waited because of life circumstances or else we would have married sooner, me in my early 20's and him in his mid 20's. 

I think what the OP is experiencing is a case of the "Let's put sex in a box." The box can only be opened on the wedding night. But wait...if sexuality is a part of human nature, technically the box should have been open all along, but taking sex OUT of the box doesn't need to be. 

For one, aren't you two seeking counsel with a priest or pastor before marriage? Isn't that something that should almost be a requirement? Those meetings can be useful times to discuss sexual issues or concerns. Have you ever thought about talking to an older married Christian woman about this? 

The problem here is the OP has told herself "no" so many times she forgot it's "when the time is right." That means it's not out of the picture, and by waiting so long it certainly feels like it's out of the picture. Waiting 4 years was freaking torture, I'll be honest. Too damn long for anyone to wait. I'm of the camp now that if you are hot for each other, know each other well warts and all, and want to marry, MARRY! 

Do you two kiss deeply, hold hands, hug, cuddle, that stuff? I'd say those are pretty innocent things (I hear the IKDGB club running after me with torches and pitchforks!) and they are still sexual things without having sex. When was the last time he kissed you and you felt aroused? Do you even feel that way for him anymore?


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## Clarence Rutherford

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is so very very sad... This is why I feel Christianity goes too far when it comes to .... God gave us these desires...back then people married in their TEENS ... not that we have to go ALL THE WAY...we don't...we can have an agreed boundary written in the sand -if this is what you both want... but it's important to keep the intimacy...your sex drives still pumping...some fantasy, anticipation for each other... this must be...or it's not healthy....


true.



> *>>* I will never forget the story I read on a  The Marriagebed .org  ...(a Christian sex forum)...it was years ago now but I never forgot it...this couple met at college, had hot sex for a time, then they both got "saved" and decided - to go cold turkey (for God).. no touching... well... in time his Girlfriend/ now fiance lost all sexual wantings/ feelings towards the act... by the time they got to marriage, he was ready to jump in where they left off... excited, anticipated (he didn't discuss how heh handled himself - my guess lots of masturbating -thinking of her alone)... - on their wedding night...she says to him....she hasn't thought about sex for a long long time, has no want of it, and never cares if she has it again...he heart sank... and here he was posting this 6 months into their marriage... no change, he was distraught, beside himself and depressed, a lonely man contemplating getting a divorce.....
> 
> I wanted to scream into my computer...it was so obvious what happened here... and they DID IT TO THEMSELVES... was it really God's rules that set this up.. or man's RULES to how stringent we THINK God expects of us... (this is what I see- personally)....


Tragic story.

It's one thing to engage in a lot of "sinful" sex, another to tone it down & realize the gravity of the couple's actions (before marriage).
Many couples do realize they're "sinning" & decide to stop the sex. 
Nothing wrong with that.
But it's good to retain some type of sexual intimacy, even if it's only heavy petting or caressing, as Simply wisely advises.



> She utterly repressed/ suppressed her sex drive towards him...it simply DIDN'T have to happen... *.those 2 could have continued touching... the emotional connection growing ... and held off the PIV sex... this would have been DO-able.. instead they jumped to the PURITY route *-that makes one feel guilty/ ashamed of any sort of sexual anything....for our God given natural drives towards each other...


Wow... well-stated, Simply.
So true.

Women expect guys to be a bit forward and "try" things.
As a Christian, she should of course block his advances, particularly if he tries PIV, but otherwise...



> some things should be saved till marriage -if we feel strongly about them... but *why such a black & white, all or nothing mentality..
> 
> I see this far too often in christian circles, it ends up hurting more than it helps.. *causing great REPRESSION in our young people.


Agree completely.
Again, well-stated.



> Me & my husband... I was the one trying to live as "a good girl"...back then... christian beliefs ....what conflict with my raging hormones it was [email protected]#$ I can say this.... there was no way on the side of enjoying my life or BF we wasn't going to touch below the belt.. we just held off on intercourse.. some may call that "riding the fence" and judge me/ us.. that's fune...I'll take it...
> 
> But for us...we felt good about what we did, how we loved...and still having something new & beautiful to bring to our wedding day (intercourse).....and our emotional connection flourished ..we never lost our sex drives.. plus we weren't going stark raving mad with-holding touching each other either.





> touching, making out... even giving each other orgasms .....a man doesn't have to stick it in.....and you both can learn a tremendous amount about each other -this way... We waited for intercourse for over 6 long years (I was 15 when we met)... until our wedding night..(that is what I


You did well and really were a true virgin @ marriage.
You may not have thought of it this way, but you doing "some" exploration was actually much more responsible than many other Christians?
Many went far farther & included PIV, which of course is sinful but understandable as we're all human.
Exploration like you did is completely normal, so don't feel bad about it.



> Most men-even those with christian beliefs still struggle wanting to Look, touch, get frisky, overloads of testosterone can really mess with their heads and generally they want to go there..badly...and even sneak porn on occasion...... even on that christian forum... which sub section has the highest post count... "Pornography"...


Very true. ALL men struggle.
Been there, done that and I STILL struggle. More on that later.



> Even if a couple is not having sex, they should be able to open up and talk deeply about Sex...good to read books in preparaton before marriage... this is very healthy...
> 
> These are 2 really good ones:
> 
> *1.* Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Books (Christian author)- wonderful [email protected]#
> 
> *2.* The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex, Books- don't let the title be little you, it's a great book!


Good advice.
I recommend couples read books like SHEET MUSIC, which will give both parties a good picture of what should happen on the wedding night.


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## Machiavelli

onebigknot said:


> I am engaged to be married to a great Christian guy. He is a catch: handsome, hard worker, and i am proud of him.
> 
> We have been dating for nearly 4 years. For the first year or so I was desperate to jump into bed with him, but we always resisted, saving ourselves for marriage. Now that marriage is actually on the horizon I realize I have gotten used to being 'hands off' and have virtually no sexual desire for him. I find it ok to make out with him, but if he grabs my boobs or puts his hand anywhere 'down there' I pull it away immediately. He thinks its because I'm being chaste but its because i have this repulsion against it.
> 
> This has happened to me before in a previous relationship, where after several years of restricted sexual contact, it turned into a brother/sister relationship... and then someone else came along who fired me up!
> 
> I have talked to my fiance about this a bit before, but its hard because it makes him sad and does nothing to help the situation.
> 
> It is depressing because I know I will never meet such a great match as my fiance again, but the thought of not looking forward to our wedding night, or possibly not enjoying being physical with him after that, is dreadful.
> 
> On the other hand, sometimes I think that when we do start having sex it might bring us close together and 'unlock' that side of the relationship and the sparks could fly again? But then why don't i like him touching me now?
> 
> About a year ago, we went through a bad patch when he started talking to me without respect (adopting the critical behaviour and language of his father.) It was a very dark time for me, but we managed to work through it and he has not reverted to treating me like that since. Mentally I really appreciate and respect him being able to change his behaiour, but perhaps it has put me 'on guard' emotionally and therefore sexually too? Do you think that could have been a trigger?
> 
> Both of us realise that sex is not the _most_ important factor in a marriage and understand that the libido naturally lessens over time. But I also know how incompatible sexual appetites can cause big problems in marriages.
> 
> What do you think? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'd be so grateful for any thoughts, it has been weighing down on me for months.
> 
> A little more info: I am 29, he is 32, we don't share an apartment but spend most of our time together. We have been engaged 4 months, but there's no date yet as I have been holding if off because of this worry!
> 
> 'Testing out' sleeping together before marriage is not an option.
> 
> Therapy/counceling is not really possible where I live either.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading this.


It's unlikely that you will ever get a sexual attraction back for this guy. You'll get it if you see other women trying to sit in his lap or otherwise sexually approaching him, but that's about it. Since your fiance is hellbent on waiting, I take it he's a virgin and you aren't. That ain't good, either, for a number of reasons.

The modern Churchian approach to marriage and sex has almost nothing to do with what is presented in the Bible and practiced in the secular world prior to 1600 (marriage at or very near puberty). In the context of the biblical world, there was little or no waiting period between the kicking in of the hormones and the wedding feast. That's why the Bible presents the groom's father as making all the timing decisions for the occasion and the couple moving into the groom's family home (wedding chamber).


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## Conrad

Do the right thing and don't marry him.

Read some of the posts by the guys here who are in sexless marriages.

They're miserable.

Set him free to find a woman who wants him.

Of course, you will tell yourself that you won't deny him... etc.

Trust the wisdom of these pages. He will ONLY be satisfied with your physical life together if YOU are into it.

You already aren't.

And, sexual fulfillment is a man's #1 emotional need in a relationship.


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## Aule

Conrad said:


> Do the right thing and don't marry him.
> 
> Read some of the posts by the guys here who are in sexless marriages.
> 
> They're miserable.
> 
> Set him free to find a woman who wants him.
> 
> Of course, you will tell yourself that you won't deny him... etc.
> 
> Trust the wisdom of these pages. He will ONLY be satisfied with your physical life together if YOU are into it.
> 
> You already aren't.
> 
> And, sexual fulfillment is a man's #1 emotional need in a relationship.


I actually have a more practical suggestion. 

If you think of the physical marriage bond as an engine system, you need three things: engines, fuel, and charge; these equate respectively to a solid relationship, unconditional love, and sexual energy.

You have the engines and the fuel. You can't turn the engines over unless you provide an initial charge.

This can be done using a technique known as Sensate Focus. 

It is a way to have two partners familiarizing themselves with the responses of their own bodies and each others in an at-first non-sexual manner using non-demand focused touching.

That said, non-sexual does not mean non-sensual. Consider it a form of technology with effects difficult to distinguish from magic. 

There are three stages:
1) Pelvic areas of both partners and the breasts are forbidden.
2) Genitals of both partners are forbidden.
3) Genitals may be touched. Intercourse may occur.

Each stage should take a minimum of four weeks, with at least two sessions per week, each partner having the chance to be the receiver. Consult references for details.

Usually this procedure is indicated as a gold standard for helping a couple recover either from premature ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction. 

In your case, Stage 1 and Stage 2 will be appropriate for you and your fiancé preparing for your marriage in a chaste albeit highly sensual manner. Be prepared for all pleasurable feelings to be intensified by roughly a factor of 10. This can surprise the unprepared.

Use Stage 3 on your wedding night.

My wife and I have used this for my ED. IT WORKS!!!

Luck to you and your partner!

Aulë


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## onebigknot

Just thought I would update:

I broke it off. It was hard and I am sad and lost, but it is right.

Now to take a deep breath and begin picking up the pieces.

Thanks to everyone for your input.


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## jld

(((onebigknot)))


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## lifeistooshort

I'm sorry onebigknot, but you did the right thing. My hb's daughter is a big southern Baptist and also decided to wait. She had gotten serious with her second bf and her parents loved him (he worked for espn), and her mother had arranged for him to spend the summer staying with her and working for her. He was an intern and she has her own business.....anyone she dumped him seemingly out of the blue. Her parents were devastated, but she told me privately that he didn't excite her and she thought she was settling. I told her she'd done the right thing because if he didn't excite her now it wasn't getting any better. She thanked me, and next month is marrying someone that DOES excite her.....I can see it when I see the two of them and they've been dating for almost 3 years. You'll find it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

onebigknot,

*hugs* not here to judge you; you must do what is right for YOU!

Please consider therapy for yourself; you stated that this has happened to you in previous relationships as well. There is therapy/counseling available on the internet. Please do this for YOU so you can insure that you are at your healthiest and ready for a new relationship when the time is right!


.


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## Lovable Resin

onebigknot said:


> Just thought I would update:
> 
> I broke it off. It was hard and I am sad and lost, but it is right.
> 
> Now to take a deep breath and begin picking up the pieces.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for your input.


That was the right decision.

If you don't mind me asking, I got the impression from the original post that you are a virgin and 29 years old? I'm not asking to objurgate you but my view is that you are wasting the best years of your youth waiting for something that's not worth it considering the negative effects it has on your life.


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## Married but Happy

I admire your courage to take this big step, onebigknot, and hope you figure out how to avoid this dilemma in the future. May you find love and happiness.


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## lenzi

onebigknot said:


> 'Testing out' sleeping together before marriage is not an option.


Pfft.

The only possible solution, the only way to see if you're sexually compatible is to have sex, and you maintain that it's "not an option".

Of course it's an option. You're going to gamble on a lifelong commitment, without knowing how compatible you are, when you could find out very easily?

It's like someone sitting in a burning car wreck and a passerby runs up to the car and says "let's get you out of here", and as the flames get closer to your body you say "leaving the car isn't an option".

You are your own worst enemy.

Just saw your recent post



onebigknot said:


> Just thought I would update:
> 
> I broke it off. It was hard and I am sad and lost, but it is right.


Best decision given the situation.

Of course, you could have had sex with the guy, it could have been amazing, and then you would have married and lived happily ever after. But that wasn't an option.


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## Adelais

lenzi said:


> Pfft.
> 
> The only possible solution, the only way to see if you're sexually compatible is to have sex, and you maintain that it's "not an option".
> 
> Of course it's an option. You're going to gamble on a lifelong commitment, without knowing how compatible you are, when you could find out very easily?


This is so not true, onebigknot!

Sex gets better with time, love, and experience with each other. You do not have to try out a guy in advance. Now if he grosses you out, has bad breath, etc. then you know that won't improve. But if he is attractive to you, most likely things will be good in the bedroom.

As for being a virgin at 29, kudos to you! I'm sorry the relationship ended. Sorry he kept groping you, even though you had both agreed to not do it. I think that is what turned you off more than anything else.

Why did you have to wait so long to get married, may I ask? Maybe the next time you meet Mr. Right, set the wedding date a little closer, so neither of you will have mastered turning off your hormones, or begin to get frustrated when they don't turn off.


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## lenzi

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> This is so not true, onebigknot!
> 
> Sex gets better with time, love, and experience with each other. You do not have to try out a guy in advance. Now if he grosses you out, has bad breath, etc. then you know that won't improve. But if he is attractive to you, most likely things will be good in the bedroom.
> 
> As for being a virgin at 29, kudos to you! I'm sorry the relationship ended. Sorry he kept groping you, even though you had both agreed to not do it. I think that is what turned you off more than anything else.
> 
> Why did you have to wait so long to get married, may I ask? Maybe the next time you meet Mr. Right, set the wedding date a little closer, so neither of you will have mastered turning off your hormones, or begin to get frustrated when they don't turn off.


This is so not true, onebigknot!

There is nothing to be gained by waiting untii marriage to have sex. With different partners during your lifetime, you gain experience which you can and will eventually share with your marriage partner. When done with discretion and proper precautions, sex with multiple partners during one's lifetime can be satisfying and very enjoyable.

By having sex with your potential marriage partner you eliminate the risk of noncompatibility which seems to be a real issue for you now.

Other than vague, inconsistent and meaningless religious reasons there is no compelling reason for not having premarital sex. The whole concept is outdated and impractical.

To move up a wedding date and rushing into a lifelong commitment is, to me, an irresponsible and reckless way of handling this situation. It would be like telling someone who got their car repaired to go drive it down a twisty road at 120 mph in the middle of a blizzard just to make sure it's working right.


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## Machiavelli

lenzi said:


> This is so not true, onebigknot!
> 
> There is nothing to be gained by waiting untii marriage to have sex. With different partners during your lifetime, you gain experience which you can and will eventually share with your marriage partner.


Just remember, a key that opens any lock is called a Master Key. A lock that opens for any key is called worthless.


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## lenzi

Machiavelli said:


> Just remember, a key that opens any lock is called a Master Key. A lock that opens for any key is called worthless.


A woman who has a finite number of sex partners during her lifetime is not the same as a woman who will screw anyone who has the inclination. 

I wouldn't even go far as to say a woman with a relatively high number of sex partners has less intrinsic value than one who has few or none.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

lenzi said:


> Other than *vague, inconsistent and meaningless religious reasons* there is no compelling reason for not having premarital sex. The whole concept is outdated and impractical.


But this is NOT how OneBigKnot views her religious beliefs. They may be meaningless to YOU, but they are not meaningless to OneBigKnot and she needs to live within her OWN definitions of morality - not yours, not mine, not anyone else's, just hers.

I will state right here that I am not religious. But, just because religion is not important to ME does not mean that I can't respect that it is important to others. Her way (virginity until marriage) would not work for you nor for I; but neither would our way work for her.

Get some counseling, OneBigKnot and find out why this is a REPEATED pattern with you in your important relationships.

.


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## lenzi

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> . Her way (virginity until marriage) would not work for you nor for I; but neither would our way work for her.
> .


Well it our way "could" work for her, but she chooses to follow her religious customs rather than pursue a course of action that would be an almost surefire solution.

It would be like the guy who keeps tripping down the stairs refusing to tie his shoelaces because it goes against his belief that shoelaces should never be tied.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

No, it's more like people telling you, lenzi, to switch your sexual orientation (gay to straight OR straight to gay) because it worked for them.

Just because it worked for THEM does not mean it will work for YOU. You have to be who YOU are, whether others agree or not!

.


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## Machiavelli

lenzi said:


> A woman who has a finite number of sex partners during her lifetime is not the same as a woman who will screw anyone who has the inclination.
> 
> I wouldn't even go far as to say a woman with a relatively high number of sex partners has less intrinsic value than one who has few or none.


Possibly not, intrinsically, but maritally the woman with fewer partners has a higher sexual market value.


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## lenzi

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> No, it's more like people telling you, lenzi, to switch your sexual orientation (gay to straight OR straight to gay) because it worked for them.
> 
> Just because it worked for THEM does not mean it will work for YOU. You have to be who YOU are, whether others agree or not!.


I don't think sexual orientation is anything close to religious beliefs. Those who follow particular religions tend to pick and choose the rules they want to follow, and it's rather arbitrary, it's not all or none. 

A person's sexual orientation does define them, whereas religious beliefs are a choice.



Machiavelli said:


> Possibly not, intrinsically, but maritally the woman with fewer partners has a higher sexual market value.


I'd think that depends on the guy.

I don't know that I'd be so quick to settle down with a woman who had little to no experience, whereas I have no problem being with a woman who is more.. shall we say.. experienced..?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Well, you may certainly choose to believe that a person's religious beliefs are on a (sub) par with their shoelaces, but I think you would be a minority of one.


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## Machiavelli

lenzi said:


> =
> 
> 
> I'd think that depends on the guy.
> 
> I don't know that I'd be so quick to settle down with a woman who had little to no experience, whereas I have no problem being with a woman who is more.. shall we say.. experienced..?


You're right that it depends on the guy, I used to work with a lot of women who were swingers. Their husbands were into high mileage girls. However, this is a tiny percentage of the population.


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## onebigknot

This has led to some really interesting replies.
Something I have learned since the breakup is that: I wasn't turned on by my ex, because deep down I knew he wasn't right for me, deep down I wanted out. We've had some dark times and I just could not find peace around him, even though I desperately wanted to. So much of our relationship was great that I wanted to force it to work. The sex problem was just the most un-ignorable repercussion of the deeper trouble. Posting my dilemma on here was a way to help me process everything.

Losing sexual interest _has_ happened to me once before, but it was with a guy that I wasn't really physically attracted to in the first place.

I know that waiting until marriage for sex is not a popular choice. Often people presume that I am naive, prudish or blindly devout for choosing to. But it's something I have considered very deeply. And I don't judge other people for living differently.

When I look inside and think about my life and the world, what makes my heart come alight? My real, soaring joy comes when the things of this world drop away. When I think about love and the beauty of the universe and God. It is only when I think about God, when I am with him, that I feel fully alive, and fully at peace. When my heart is aglow like that my own life seems so short and I want my all choices to be for good. 

The excitement I feel from getting it on with someone (yes I'm not a complete rookie) is fun and intoxicating, but it's also about wanting to bond deeply with a person, and give them myself. If I'm not sure I am going to remain with that person, for me, it comes with an interior conflict - the bonding could be in vain and just cause a ton of heartache later. It is easy to gloss over this and make excuses like 'it's not hurting anyone', 'It's an expression of love', 'Everyone else does it and loves it' or even 'I need to sleep with him so I don't loose my sex drive'... but for me, the deep sense that it will bring something good is always missing. My motivation can always be deconstructed, it's shallow and not from that place of joy of God/love/goodness. 
I have to follow my heart. If I don't, to me, that's a much bigger waste of these years than not having sex


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## lfortender

That is the problem about save yourselves until marriage. I know the bible says that but after we marry, sex turns bad, unworthy, no fun at all.


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## Maricha75

lfortender said:


> That is the problem about save yourselves until marriage. I know the bible says that but after we marry, sex turns bad, unworthy, no fun at all.


It doesn't always. Only if they let it.


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## lenzi

Generally speaking, if you wait until you get married to have sex, you're missing out on a lot of great sex.

For no good reason whatsoever.

My 2 cents.


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## Maricha75

lenzi said:


> Generally speaking, if you wait until you get married to have sex, you're missing out on a lot of great sex.
> 
> For no good reason whatsoever.
> 
> My 2 cents.


Again. Your opinion. Get over it. Not your body. Not your life. Not your choice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until you are married. I get that you don't understand why people choose to wait. But it doesn't mean you have to slam them for their convictions.


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## Mr Blunt

> *Originally Posted by lenzi*
> Generally speaking, if you wait until you get married to have sex, you're missing out on a lot of great sex.
> 
> For no good reason whatsoever.
> 
> My 2 cents.



Your statement is not true for me. 
I did not wait until I got married to have sex but I wished I had.

All the sex I had before marriage was nothing special and just orgasm excitements for a few minutes. I cannot remember much about that sex and wish I had been more committed to my faith.

Lenzi, you know what would be a good test for your statement? *Ask the children if they feel proud that their parents did not wait until they got married to have sex with other people. Ask the parents if they teach their children to have sex before marriage so that they will not be “missing out on a lot of great sex”*

Those are some good tests to find out about your theory!!!


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## lenzi

Mr Blunt said:


> Lenzi, you know what would be a good test for your statement? *Ask the children if they feel proud that their parents did not wait until they got married to have sex with other people. Ask the parents if they teach their children to have sex before marriage so that they will not be “missing out on a lot of great sex”*
> 
> Those are some good tests to find out about your theory!!!


I think it's a lousy test. I'd never tell my children to "go out and have lots of sex".

What I would tell them is that since more than half of all marriages result in divorce, it's best not to rush into anything. Get out there, date, meet people, get involved in relationships, and really get an idea of how people are different and what you're really looking for so that when you do some day make what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, you'll have wisdom and experience on your side. And if you do get involved with a committed relationship partner, it's ok, there's nothing wrong with that just because some people think they must wait to have sex until marriage- all because some old book of questionable value happens to says so.


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## Mr Blunt

> Originally Posted by lenzi
> Generally speaking, if you wait until you get married to have sex, you're missing out on a lot of great sex.
> 
> For no good reason whatsoever.
> 
> My 2 cents.
> 
> 
> *By BLUNT*
> Your statement is not true for me.
> I did not wait until I got married to have sex but I wished I had.
> 
> All the sex I had before marriage was nothing special and just orgasm excitements for a few minutes. I cannot remember much about that sex and wish I had been more committed to my faith.
> 
> Lenzi, you know what would be a good test for your statement? Ask the children if they feel proud that their parents did not wait until they got married to have sex with other people. Ask the parents if they teach their children to have sex before marriage so that they will not be “missing out on a lot of great sex”
> 
> Those are some good tests to find out about your theory!!!
> 
> *By Lenzi*
> I think it's a lousy test. I'd never tell my children to "go out and have lots of sex".



Why wouldn’t you? You are the one that said 
“…if you wait until you get married to have sex, you're missing out on a lot of great sex.”
Under your statement your children would miss out on all the “great sex” that you mentioned

You think that my test is “Lousy”. *My test is a good one and tells the story in real life and contradicts your theory. *

All the sex you have before marriage maybe exciting for a few minutes but I* know of no son that wants to hear about his mother’s sexual adventures with other men and I know of no daughter that wants to hear about all the chicks that her dad laid.* Having sex with others that are not your children’s parent lasts only a few minutes and is not something that children would be proud of.








*



“…some people think they must wait to have sex until marriage- all because some old book of questionable value happens to says so.”

Click to expand...

*The “old book” that you are referring to has withstood the test of time and attacks for CENTURIES yet is still a best seller after hundreds and hundreds of years! In fact that book is the most used book for morality in the western world and has been for thousands of years.

*However, I guess you think that we should accept your attack on this book and listen to you. You are not even 100 years old and yet you think you have more wisdom than that “old book”? You think that you have more wisdom than Jesus Christ!*


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## lenzi

Mr Blunt said:


> I* know of no son that wants to hear about his mother’s sexual adventures with other men and I know of no daughter that wants to hear about all the chicks that her dad laid.*


You're the one who said to go tell my children to have sex as some sort of a *test*.


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## Adelais

lenzi said:


> This is so not true, onebigknot!
> 
> There is nothing to be gained by waiting untii marriage to have sex. With different partners during your lifetime, you gain experience which you can and will eventually share with your marriage partner.
> 
> Not all people are the same. What is good for one person may not be good for another.
> 
> Oh, yes....and the first time you sleep with someone new you tell them, "Now let me show you what my old flame taught me." Yeah, sure. A real turn on, and heart warmer.
> 
> When done with discretion and proper precautions, sex with multiple partners during one's lifetime can be satisfying and very enjoyable.
> 
> If you're a player, and out to "get some." With proper precautions....sure. Let's see, how many different fathers do the children of single mother down the street have?
> 
> My son knows several such people...male and female... they have sex, breed like animals and move on. They use "safe sex" and the girl ends up with a baby, and the guy leaves her and the child/children. Both are losers, and move on to the next sex partner and they bring more neglected children into the world.
> 
> By having sex with your potential marriage partner you eliminate the risk of noncompatibility which seems to be a real issue for you now.
> 
> How about the stories told here on TAM about people who pretend to like things before M, and then change after M. No guarantees by tasting the candy beforehand.
> 
> Other than vague, inconsistent and meaningless religious reasons there is no compelling reason for not having premarital sex. The whole concept is outdated and impractical.
> 
> Maybe only for you. I know plenty of people who still abide by those "outdated and impractical" beliefs, and who get happily married. They go on to have babies...so they must be having sex. They are not D-ing, and are still acting lovingly to each other, so they seem to be happy.
> 
> Then I also know people who sleep with anyone who will have sex with them. They go from heartbreak to heartbreak, because they can't control their feelings. One person I know is to the point that their heart is hardened by so much heartbreak after sex that they don't want to date...just get laid.
> 
> 
> 
> To move up a wedding date and rushing into a lifelong commitment is, to me, an irresponsible and reckless way of handling this situation. It would be like telling someone who got their car repaired to go drive it down a twisty road at 120 mph in the middle of a blizzard just to make sure it's working right.


Don't put words into my mouth. I didn't say to rush into a marriage. Just not to have a long engagement. I recommend 6 months to a year, max.

And lenzi, your eye is creepy.


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## violet37

I think you did the right thing breaking off this relationship. But you have come out and admitted that you have a pattern here, and it's not a good one. You want to wait until marriage: admirable, good for you! But, you said that this is not the first time you have lost sexual interest after a long engagement. Well DUH! I went on the Atkins diet for 6 months once. After 6 months of no sugar, I lost my taste or desire for sweets, in fact, I found it revolting! I really don't think God would want anyone to go through what you are putting yourself through. I'm not suggesting that you have premarital sex. but if you meet someone, and they are "the one", it is stupid to wait years AGAIN before you get married. Because you will have the same result! You sex switch is being switched off by going against nature.
I get irritated by modern day Christians who don't realize you can't have it both ways. People used to save themselves for marriage because they got married young. They had to wait until they were between 16 and 20 or so to get married and have sex. Big freakin deal. Now people want college, careers, etc and still think they can wait. And I have a newsflash, most Christians are having premarital sex, but they don't tell anyone! The only way to be chaste is to not torment each other forever. It's against nature what you are trying to do. I don't believe God had any intention of people waiting until they have dated someone for YEARS, and were 30 + to get married.
I hate to sound cliché, but you are turning yourself into an old maid! you know this will happen again, if you continue this same pattern. we can't tell you specifically what to do, but you must see a counselor about this. Good luck!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Personal said:


> Then you would be mistaken.


Please quote me CORRECTLY. I said that someone who equates another person's religious beliefs on a par with that person tying his shoelaces would be a minority of one.

...unless YOU, too, believe religious beliefs = shoelace tying? :scratchhead:


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## lenzi

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Please quote me CORRECTLY. I said that someone who equates another person's religious beliefs on a par with that person tying his shoelaces would be a minority of one.
> 
> ...unless YOU, too, believe religious beliefs = shoelace tying? :scratchhead:


Oh, you were quoted correctly.

It might be a minority but the number is a heck of a lot greater than one. 

More like 1 in 5 and that number is growing as people finally start to figure out that religion is an archaic, outdated concept.


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## ariel_angel77

OP, I think you are wonderful for having waited this long to save sex for marriage. Your decision will surely grant you many gifts in your marriage. Your future H will be SO, so grateful to you for you giving him the greatest present you could possibly give him. He will be a lucky guy. God must be very proud of you. I wish more than words could describe that I would have saved sex for marriage. I regret it every day of my marriage. Please always stick to your beliefs. You WILL be rewarded in your marriage.

Don't ever listen to people like Lenzi. They are completely misguided and will reap what they sow, which is brokenness and regret. Their husbands will receive leftovers instead of what they deserve.

And I do believe that you felt the way you did because he was not right for you. I'm glad you followed your heart and God and ended the relationship. God will reward you by leading you to Mr. Right with a very fulfilling lifetime marriage.

God bless.


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## Zatol Ugot?

Personal said:


> If sex was something soiled and dirty perhaps what you suggest would be reasonable, fortunately since sex is not soiled or dirty, a sexually experienced man or woman is not worthless.


Don't confuse "soiled or dirty" with sacred. Sacred is not a word used very often today. But its more important now than ever. Treating sex as something sacred and life affirming as opposed to the "pump & dump" or "c0ck carousel" lifestyle that is promoted by today's culture is part of the reason for those choosing to wait.


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## Zatol Ugot?

Personal said:


> *I think religious belief is ridiculous, I consider shoelace tying to be far more useful than such a belief.* That said, I don't have a problem with people being religious. As long as it doesn't effect me, I don't care what they believe.





lenzi said:


> Oh, you were quoted correctly.
> 
> It might be a minority but the number is a heck of a lot greater than one.
> 
> More like 1 in 5 and that number is growing as people finally start to figure out that *religion is an archaic, outdated concept*.


So given these beliefs, why are you two in the Relationships and Spirituality section on TAM? Is it to proselytize your atheistic beliefs? Is it to spread your vast wisdom to those that might not get it anywhere else? Is it to make fun of those silly, superstitious, backwoods hicks?

The OP indicated that she was a Christian and was experiencing a problem. She was trying to deal with it within her moral boundaries and beliefs. You made it perfectly clear that her best option was to essentially sleep around and bag as many men as possible in order for her to find that perfect one. Luckily, I don't think that she will go with that advice.


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## ariel_angel77

Personal said:


> Although I can't answer for lenzi, I am here because I enjoy participating and contributing where I can.


No offense, but you can't really contribute positively in a section made for people with a view opposite of yours. All you can really do is disagree with them and try to lead them away from their beliefs, which isn't really helpful at all. The only people who should be giving advice in this section are religious/spiritual people, hence the name. 

If you are going to give advice, the advice itself shouldn't be against the person's beliefs.


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## Westwind

The OP originally said she was really sexually attracted to her fiancé for two years but managed to preserver her virginity, and then there was a dark time in the relationship where he criticized her. At that point her feelings changed from attraction to not wanting anything to do with him. Intellectually she could look at him four years into the relationship and say he would make a good husband because he had lots of good qualities going for him. Emotionally, however, she still remembers the dark time and so could feel no emotional or physical attraction towards him. Who knows if at some time in the future he might revert to the dark time behavior; however, the OP’s emotional intelligence tells her to forget him because that is likely to happen. I think she was very wise to preserve her virginity, as sex would have clouded her emotional ability to figure this guy out. Because of this experience, I think the OP is likely to preserve her virginity in future relationships until she gets married. She also has religious reasons to remain virgin. If she dates guys that also are religious, they will understand her belief about virginity.


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## Westwind

To find another boy friend, you may want to try dating sites. Christiancafe and christianmingle are two highly rated sites.
See Summary of the 2013 Dating Sites Reviews Choice Awards - Dating Sites Reviews


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