# Resentment and loss of love, need help



## goose.360 (Apr 13, 2012)

i need help. i need honest female opinions and insight. ive been married for 8 years. during this time, we had our first and only child 4 years into the marriage. after the birth and immediate relocation (I was in the USMC for 10 years) my wife and I grew immediately apart. I was always on the go with work and she was consumed with the new baby and breastfeeding. furthermore, the child did not need me at all from my standpoint. I cheated. I was a piece of sh!t, i didnt find comfort or feeling or anything with this other girl, just sex. plain, useless, sex. it wasnt an everyday thing, i didnt make excuses to get away from home, etc. nothing will ever justify this, i know, but i felt unwanted, unneeded at home and no love from my wife, none at all. during this affair that lasted a month or 2, i had sex only a few times, and near the end I got my **** together mentally and went all in with the wife and pulled my head out and focused 100% on the family and personal sacrfices to make myself available if ever needed. my wife found out about the affair a month after my turnaround. we went to counseling and she endured such pain and heartache, she was strong and offered me a 2nd chance, committed to it and we moved forward. i have not cheated since, and it has been 3 years. i left the USMC and stayed in limbo for awhile. my wife found a job utilizing her degree and fell into a hospital work environment with doctors and many others that had so many traits and intelligence i lacked. i feared this. i finally found a job managing, of all things, a HOOTERS restaurant. i did not cheat on my wife during my time there, but the hours were seriously demanding and I spent much time away from home. i developed some freindships with a few girls there, nothing emotional, nothing serious, just stupied adolescent type friendships... and i texted my coworkers to stay in touch. they became good friends of mine, friends that I had been lacking for so long since I left the USMC. i swear I did not have any physical relationship, emotional affair, nor sexting affair with any of these girls, it was simple conversations. this added to my wifes growing resentment of me for past events. during this time, i felt my wife detach from me yet again, tho I tried to boost her confidence in me, tried to let her know what she means to me, but failed. i questioned where our marriage was going once, we sought counseling, and again, I pulled my head outta my ass and saw exactly what she means to me and how I had hurt her and brought her down. she was hurt but had faith in me that we could move forward, and she committed to a last chance. i vowed it would not happen again and in the last 7 months have strived to be all that she wanted - cheesy, sweet, there for her, dependable, and loving. i love the ground this woman walks on. 

in the last year, her resentment towards me has grown out of control. she finally admitted she was questioning whether we should be married anymore or if she was even in love with me. in the last month all this has come to light, coupled with the fact that she has found comfort texting and talking to a doctor and hiding it from me. i do not feel anything physical has happened between them. but she has admitted to caring about him a little, and through texts to her friends , admits she had considered things with him, even tho he is almost twice her age and married. i cannot compete with his $$ or his knowledge of her job. I had been under the impression that we were on the right path and I was fully utilizing this chance to prove myself and to make her proud to be my wife again but it seems as if I was only pushing her further away this whole time. lately it kills me for her to even look at me because she has so much hate and resentment in her. she has openly admitted to neglecting our son. she is seeking independence and has become so disinterested in home life, often setting up numerous dates with her friends throughout the week.

I am hanging on by a thread for something, some sign or something to change. im constantly punishing myself over my past ignorance and begging for a chance to make it right and continue to improve as a husband. we tried a mini separation for a week but that took its toll on our son. we are in the same house again, and she shows me small signs of hope and feeling in her heart, but then I can see the resentment and anger pull it out of her and she is in hate mode again. we have recently turned to god, as I found I do not have the strength I need for myself and my son. 

what can I do?? how can i help her let go of some of the anger and pain, how can I make her smile like she used to... she admits she is not that far removed from trying so hard for our love to continue. im hurting and need help.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sounds like it's time for MC again. Sit down and discuss with your wife whether she and you are willing to REALLY try MC again for 6 months. 

If you can both agree, both of you give it 100% for the next 6 months and agree to an actual date (mark it on the calendar) when you will re-evaluate.

If one or both of you are UNWILLING to try MC seriously for 6 months (for the sake of your marriage AND your SON), then it's time to move on. You BOTH have issues, but if one or both of you are unwilling to address them with a professional, then you're NOT committed to trying to make this marriage work.

Best of luck to your family.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Resentment is a strong emotion/feeling that is tough to shake. It takes hard work, dedication, and a desire to stop resenting. Your wife is going to need counseling and so are you, but that is the answer everyone gives. 

You already know you have damaged her trust in you in a huge way. She gave you a second chance which is great, but did she really forgive you for the affair or did she take you back for the family? If she never truly forgave you, the seed of discontent is still there and growing. Then you working at Hooters and having hot female friends, though innocent enough, would certainly make her nervous, and suspicious of you cheating again. 

In order to protect herself, she emotionally detatched. Once detatched, it is very hard to re-attach, which I know you know already. Also, if she never really forgave you, she could be trying to have an affair or a close friendship with another man to hurt you. To get revenge on you for what you did to her. A woman scorned will do crazy things. Now she is giving you hope of a future but still going into "hate" mode. She has to make a choice. Does she want a future with you or does she want out? She cannot have both and hurting you for hurting her is awful. It does nothing but make things worse and cause resentment in YOU!

You may need to have it out ONE MORE TIME about the first affair. See if she REALLY forgave you. Let her get in touch with her inner demon and see how she really feels. This is a bloody mess, but it can get better, you both must be on board for it to work. Keep trying without smothering her, talk to her, but do not let her treat you horribly because you think you deserve it.


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## goose.360 (Apr 13, 2012)

thank you for the replies. I am all in, counseling and everything. i do my best not to smother her, even though she admits the thing she misses the most is my confidence and motivation. I try to be motivated and confident and have taken the riegns and set up a date nite, out of our norm to see how it goes. I know it isnt the answer, but I feel it is a start. I quit hooters, back in October, not FOR HER per say, but I knew that it would be beneficial to our relationship. I have recently deleted all questionable contacts on my facebook and in my phone, just to avoid any further chance for those people to see any window of opportunity. I am doing my best to give her the space she needs. I do like the idea of setting a date and giving ourselves a deadline. right now she views me as her last option of every day I feel, and though I know I deserved brutal punishment at one time, I try my damndest every day not to beat myself up anymore. Some days i fail.

I have read a story about a couple that had drifted apart and the man cheated, but before they agreed to divorce they went thru counseling. in counseling they were given a task that every time they come in or go out of the house together, the man was to carry the woman in his arms as if he were carrying her over the threshold, etc. every day for 6 months they did this and the awkwardness eventually turned to chemistry and it helped save their marriage. is this lame to even bring up. i am a former Marine but im shaken to the core on this one and know I sound like a whiny *****, but ive never needed help like I do now. thanks again
.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Actions speak louder than words, and you are showing her that you want to change. Quitting Hooters, while not for her, is still a huge action that I am sure she appreciates. Taking the reins and being all manly, making plans, taking charge (with love of course) is also very attractive. 

You are on the right track my friend.


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

goose.360 said:


> i need help. i need honest female opinions and insight. ive been married for 8 years. during this time, we had our first and only child 4 years into the marriage. after the birth and immediate relocation (I was in the USMC for 10 years) my wife and I grew immediately apart. I was always on the go with work and she was consumed with the new baby and breastfeeding. furthermore, the child did not need me at all from my standpoint. I cheated. I was a piece of sh!t, i didnt find comfort or feeling or anything with this other girl, just sex. plain, useless, sex. it wasnt an everyday thing, i didnt make excuses to get away from home, etc. nothing will ever justify this, i know, but i felt unwanted, unneeded at home and no love from my wife, none at all. during this affair that lasted a month or 2, i had sex only a few times, and near the end I got my **** together mentally and went all in with the wife and pulled my head out and focused 100% on the family and personal sacrfices to make myself available if ever needed. my wife found out about the affair a month after my turnaround. we went to counseling and she endured such pain and heartache, she was strong and offered me a 2nd chance, committed to it and we moved forward. i have not cheated since, and it has been 3 years. i left the USMC and stayed in limbo for awhile. my wife found a job utilizing her degree and fell into a hospital work environment with doctors and many others that had so many traits and intelligence i lacked. i feared this. i finally found a job managing, of all things, a HOOTERS restaurant. i did not cheat on my wife during my time there, but the hours were seriously demanding and I spent much time away from home. i developed some freindships with a few girls there, nothing emotional, nothing serious, just stupied adolescent type friendships... and i texted my coworkers to stay in touch. they became good friends of mine, friends that I had been lacking for so long since I left the USMC. i swear I did not have any physical relationship, emotional affair, nor sexting affair with any of these girls, it was simple conversations. this added to my wifes growing resentment of me for past events. during this time, i felt my wife detach from me yet again, tho I tried to boost her confidence in me, tried to let her know what she means to me, but failed. i questioned where our marriage was going once, we sought counseling, and again, I pulled my head outta my ass and saw exactly what she means to me and how I had hurt her and brought her down. she was hurt but had faith in me that we could move forward, and she committed to a last chance. i vowed it would not happen again and in the last 7 months have strived to be all that she wanted - cheesy, sweet, there for her, dependable, and loving. i love the ground this woman walks on.
> 
> in the last year, her resentment towards me has grown out of control. she finally admitted she was questioning whether we should be married anymore or if she was even in love with me. in the last month all this has come to light, coupled with the fact that she has found comfort texting and talking to a doctor and hiding it from me. i do not feel anything physical has happened between them. but she has admitted to caring about him a little, and through texts to her friends , admits she had considered things with him, even tho he is almost twice her age and married. i cannot compete with his $$ or his knowledge of her job. I had been under the impression that we were on the right path and I was fully utilizing this chance to prove myself and to make her proud to be my wife again but it seems as if I was only pushing her further away this whole time. lately it kills me for her to even look at me because she has so much hate and resentment in her. she has openly admitted to neglecting our son. she is seeking independence and has become so disinterested in home life, often setting up numerous dates with her friends throughout the week.
> 
> ...


Goose, I don't think you realize the amount of hurt you caused your wife. First, you cheat on her just after she had given birth to your child, was breastfeeding and nurturing him. You say you were ignored. She wasn't ignoring you--she was focusing on the baby. I know because I have breastfed all of my three children and my husband sort of resents it too, every time I give birth and devote my time and attention to my infants.

Second, it wasn't an accident that you became a manager of Hooters. It wasn't like "Ooops! Didn't mean for it to be Hooters." How did you get the position? You applied there and got accepted. You *knew* full well that your wife gave you another chance after your affair even if it devastated her, and yet you still choose to work for a place like that. If I were your wife, I don't know how I could trust you ever again.

So in all, it's not surprising that she's detached from you and found comfort with another man. I guess all you can do right now is pray, ask your W for forgiveness, and show her that you've changed. And have you really changed? I'm asking because she really doesn't know how to trust you anymore. She's afraid that now that she's given you one last chance to make it right, that you're going to screw it up again. 

I really don't see why, good lord, after the affair, you had to go work for Hooters. :scratchhead:


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## goose.360 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hooters actually sought me out. I served as the coordinator of a local charity here for each Christmas of the last 5 years, the USMC Toys For Tots program. As I searched hi and lo, numerous job databases and resume updates, for employment after the USMC, it turns out being a combat veteran with no college education doesn't translate into the real world. Hooters worked with this charity around Xmas time and their management staff saw the way I handled personnel and the stress of many moving parts and offered me the job. I had tried local charitable organizations because I had been so successful with T4T, but had no replies. Hooters was the only company to show any interest in me at all and our need for $$ wasn't going away. I accepted the job to contribute to the family. I knew it wasn't the best choice, and I hoped we were stronger than that, but I would do it differently if I could.

I have changed. My whole professional life as a Marine we know not to get close to those around us as they may move on to another station, get out of the USMC, or even be killed in combat. I served 3 deployments, 2 combat tours to Iraq, and have suffered all of the above to further my ability to isolate myself from others and need for their comfort. A person can change and Ive realized how empty I am without this woman in my life, how important she is to me, and am learning new ways every day to show it. I love her and am willing to wait as long as it takes, as she is worth it.


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

goose.360 said:


> Hooters actually sought me out. I served as the coordinator of a local charity here for each Christmas of the last 5 years, the USMC Toys For Tots program. As I searched hi and lo, numerous job databases and resume updates, for employment after the USMC, it turns out being a combat veteran with no college education doesn't translate into the real world. Hooters worked with this charity around Xmas time and their management staff saw the way I handled personnel and the stress of many moving parts and offered me the job. I had tried local charitable organizations because I had been so successful with T4T, but had no replies. Hooters was the only company to show any interest in me at all and our need for $$ wasn't going away. I accepted the job to contribute to the family. I knew it wasn't the best choice, and I hoped we were stronger than that, but I would do it differently if I could.
> 
> I have changed. My whole professional life as a Marine we know not to get close to those around us as they may move on to another station, get out of the USMC, or even be killed in combat. I served 3 deployments, 2 combat tours to Iraq, and have suffered all of the above to further my ability to isolate myself from others and need for their comfort. A person can change and Ive realized how empty I am without this woman in my life, how important she is to me, and am learning new ways every day to show it. I love her and am willing to wait as long as it takes, as she is worth it.


Yes, I do believe a person can change. Having said that, you must prove with your actions how much you love her, how you are giving it your all to save the marriage. 

What were the traits in you she first fell in love with? You did say motivation and confidence, so keep building on that. I think there may be other traits too, it might help if you ask her. Keep working on what she needs from you. Earn her trust and respect. Be transparent at all times. Surrender your right to "personal privacy". She needs to know that you can be trusted again. My H cheated on me as well and I can tell you, when the trust is destroyed, it has to be rebuilt again brick by brick. Day after day after day. Year after year.

Pick a time when you are both relaxed and things feel light. Take her aside and talk to her from your deepest heart. Ask for her forgiveness for everything you've done to hurt her, and say that you'll do anything to win her love back. However, do this only *once*. Any more than that and it becomes clinginess. After the talk, let your actions speak for themselves.


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