# Dealing with a "sexting" affair



## codata (Aug 14, 2010)

I have been happily married for 16 years and have 2 beautiful daughters (11 & 8). We have a nice home, money isn't a problem...I thought life was great. My wife started taking yoga 6 months ago. She really enjoyed it and the benefits were showing. In May she comes to me and asks me if I would have a problem with her becoming friends with the yoga instructor (he is also married). Now I had taken a couple of classes with her and the yoga instructor has obviously been on steroids for most of his adult life - so he has this very built body. I have always given her freedom to be her own person so at 1st I said I didn't mind. Then she asked if she could invite him over to lay by our pool. This threw me and I ended up saying no - especially after she told me she wouldn't want me or the kids there. a couple of months go by and I'm thinking things are fine. I go to pay our cell phone bill online and notice that her phone has over 1500 text messages (mine had 150). I clicked on the detail and was shocked to see that she had been texting this guy everyday to the grand total of 1100 text messages in 30 days. I was floored. I confronted her with it the next morning. She was very apologetic and kept saying it was completely innocent and that nothing had happened. After that morning discussion she runs to the cell phone store to separate our accounts so that I can't look at the texting anymore. This I still don't understand if it was all so innocent. She promises me they are nothing and proceeds to show me some threads. Of course the threads she shows me are silliness - "great standing bow in class" , have a nice night" "ok" "bye" - bull**** like that. Anyway, after about 3 weeks and the texting aren't getting any less so I confront her again and this time ask her to end the texting relationship. I don't ask her to end yoga or talking with him before/after class. But I think the texts are disrespectful to me and our marriage and up until now I felt like I had a hole in my heart and that this was the only way to get over it. If something I was doing was hurting my wife I would stop in a second and wouldn't think twice about it.
Anyway, now she seems down and unhappy. I was kind of hoping that seeing me in so much pain would have prompted her to stop the texting on her own, but it didn't. I do believe she has not had a physical relationship with this guy - how could they when they are texting so much  But I also know that no man is going to do that much texting unless he wants to sleep with her. And why play with fire. I would love to hear everyone's thoughts and opinions - especially any women out there so that maybe I could understand this better. Thank you for reading such a long post.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

codate, your wife is in a fog and you need to step up
- DEMAND- NO MORE YUGA
-START GOING OUT TOGETHER
-WORK OUT
- GET INVOLVED and BE INTERESTED IN HER STUFF
-START HAVING SEX MORE(WITH HER)
-YOU BETTER GET REALLY INTERESTED IN YOUR WIFE

Of course shes down, da, so its up to you to 'bring it on" 
Please do not dismiss her behavior, take it from me it can get worse.
Spend the time with her, your marraige depends on it. 
From what you discripted, about the instructor, I'd have sex with him. 
RELY ON YOUR INTUITION! PLEASE!
Your attention is needed send flowers, cards, pictures, and letters.
Do what you would do to pick up on women/your wife. 

One more thing. Dont make it sound like your worried about the other man/instructor. Make something up. tell her you had a dream that she was sick, or you had to change, or you saw it in the tea leafs. I know it sounds corny but it worked for me. 
Do you know the signs of an affair?


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Codata,
I found some really good advice on Marriagebuilders.com (6 years too late for me, but right on time for you, my friend.) Pay close attention to the stuff about transparency. It concerns me that she ran off to the phone store to seperate your accounts. Not a good sign. Ask the Affaircare lady for her site and info too. She seems to know her stuff. (just search affaircare in the posts or maybe she comes up in a google.) Wish you both the best, hopefully together.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

You are in real danger of losing your marriage, so I will be blunt.

Your wife is having an affair. 

Study the first two replies, they are mostly correct in action.

What you must do:

Stop the yoga contact. The class is over, the texting is over, the affair must come to the end. Do not be friendly about this, do not be upset about this, just matter of fact, in sincerity for the sake of your marriage, insist that this contact is stopping.

These other red flags throughout your post, any other situation I am wondering if this could be any more the textbook affair scenario:



> Now I had taken a couple of classes with her and the yoga instructor has obviously been on steroids for most of his adult life - so he has this very built body.


It doesn't matter if this yoga master is brad pitt meeting arnald shwarzeneggar, DO NOT EVER to give the impression some other man is in any way the compare to you. Do not worry whether this or that is measured up, in your attitude present your confidence and self control, that it is you that is the man to your woman above all other men. In this always have pride!



> I have always given her freedom to be her own person


I'm not even sure what you are saying or what this could possible mean. But what I am sure the only result is your woman is feeling you have neglected her in some area which she was expecting your attention. 



> she runs to the cell phone store to separate our accounts so that I can't look at the texting anymore.


This is a big red flag. The secrecy is the sign of affair.



> I was kind of hoping that seeing me in so much pain would have prompted her to stop the texting on her own, but it didn't.


The only thing this behavior will do will put your marriage on fast track to divorce. 

I cannot imagine anything that will cause more resentment in a woman or cause her to run to the arms of some affair man than to have her man to be weak and want her to feel sorry for him. This is truth.



> I do believe she has not had a physical relationship with this guy


Maybe not, but if not just a matter of time sadly.



> But I also know that no man is going to do that much texting unless he wants to sleep with her.


Exactly.


These things are all the issues that get my attention.

ANd to continue what I am saying to be blunt: your woman does not respect you.

Until this is fixed, there is not fixing the other issues of rekindling attraction or emotional connection.

So do the things to increase her respect, which is just this, start to stand up for yourself.

Do not any longer give the attitude to your woman that you are here to serve her.

Instead give the attitude that you will be happy and successful with or without her. Read this many times as necessary.

This is what is attractive to a woman, not to be some follower, but a leader. Not to be a boy, but a good man!

Make the decision to be the good man, the confident and attractive leader of himself your woman is waiting for, the good man that knows what he wants and is not afraid to pursue it. Do not let her find the man she is looking for in some yoga man. 

It will do your woman no favors if you simply think that sitting back and waiting for the affair to resolve itself will work, I can tell you right now the end result will not make you happy.

So please take the time to study these forums, even if you want to look up posts by MEM11363, Turnera, ATholk, and even pick some of my over 250 posts they will be beneficial to you.

Do not sit back and be passive on this, your marriage is on the fast track to destruction. 

Instead put it on the fast track to happiness!

I wish you well.


----------



## zoe2 (Aug 14, 2010)

codata said:


> I have been happily married for 16 years and have 2 beautiful daughters (11 & 8). We have a nice home, money isn't a problem...I thought life was great. My wife started taking yoga 6 months ago. She really enjoyed it and the benefits were showing. In May she comes to me and asks me if I would have a problem with her becoming friends with the yoga instructor (he is also married). Now I had taken a couple of classes with her and the yoga instructor has obviously been on steroids for most of his adult life - so he has this very built body. I have always given her freedom to be her own person so at 1st I said I didn't mind. Then she asked if she could invite him over to lay by our pool. This threw me and I ended up saying no - especially after she told me she wouldn't want me or the kids there. a couple of months go by and I'm thinking things are fine. I go to pay our cell phone bill online and notice that her phone has over 1500 text messages (mine had 150). I clicked on the detail and was shocked to see that she had been texting this guy everyday to the grand total of 1100 text messages in 30 days. I was floored. I confronted her with it the next morning. She was very apologetic and kept saying it was completely innocent and that nothing had happened. After that morning discussion she runs to the cell phone store to separate our accounts so that I can't look at the texting anymore. This I still don't understand if it was all so innocent. She promises me they are nothing and proceeds to show me some threads. Of course the threads she shows me are silliness - "great standing bow in class" , have a nice night" "ok" "bye" - bull**** like that. Anyway, after about 3 weeks and the texting aren't getting any less so I confront her again and this time ask her to end the texting relationship. I don't ask her to end yoga or talking with him before/after class. But I think the texts are disrespectful to me and our marriage and up until now I felt like I had a hole in my heart and that this was the only way to get over it. If something I was doing was hurting my wife I would stop in a second and wouldn't think twice about it.
> Anyway, now she seems down and unhappy. I was kind of hoping that seeing me in so much pain would have prompted her to stop the texting on her own, but it didn't. I do believe she has not had a physical relationship with this guy - how could they when they are texting so much  But I also know that no man is going to do that much texting unless he wants to sleep with her. And why play with fire. I would love to hear everyone's thoughts and opinions - especially any women out there so that maybe I could understand this better. Thank you for reading such a long post.


I really appreciate your post. This is my first time on the site. I found it by simply googling sexting/marriage. First of all I want to say I am sooo sorry for your hurt! I am the wife in your story. Our situation that unfolded this past weekend if identical to yours. I was caught having an inappropriate texting (sexting) relationship. I have hurt my husband deeply! I understand that an emotional affair can be worse than a physical one. I know that your wife probably isn't a "bad" person, just like I know I'm not. However, I am trying to understand what causes me to do this. (it's the 2nd time i've engaged in this type of behavior with a male friend) I don't want this incidence to define me as a human because we all have faults. I feel that your wife and myself must identify why we do this in order to 'fix' it. I'm sure your wife doesn't intend to hurt you.


----------



## zoe2 (Aug 14, 2010)

I really appreciate your post. This is my first time on the site. I found it by simply googling sexting/marriage. First of all I want to say I am sooo sorry for your hurt! I am the wife in your story. Our situation that unfolded this past weekend if identical to yours. I was caught having an inappropriate texting (sexting) relationship. I have hurt my husband deeply! I understand that an emotional affair can be worse than a physical one. I know that your wife probably isn't a "bad" person, just like I know I'm not. However, I am trying to understand what causes me to do this. (it's the 2nd time i've engaged in this type of behavior with a male friend) I don't want this incidence to define me as a human because we all have faults. I feel that your wife and myself must identify why we do this in order to 'fix' it. Because I know for me I feel embarrassed, ashamed and remorseful.
I too am very happy in my marriage. I wouldn't trade him for anyone!!! However, I think I found myself intoxicated by the attention of another man. Maybe I just need to know I still have it 'goin on' and that other men find me attractive. I almost compare it to a sex addiction. good luck I wish you peace.


----------



## zoe2 (Aug 14, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> You are in real danger of losing your marriage, so I will be blunt.
> 
> Your wife is having an affair.
> 
> ...


----------



## zoe2 (Aug 14, 2010)

This is all very good advise! It is an affair...sleeping together or not! It's emotional infidelity. But why why why, do we as women, find it so thrilling to know other men find us desirable? Low self esteem? Media telling us we MUST look a certain way or we're no good? Lack of a strong father figure? I don't know. Help???


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

co - advice above is on target; its an affair; her seeing you sad will only make you look less attractive than yoga-boy; chin up and tell her she has to end it now - even going to class;

zoe - haven't seen if you started your own thread or not, but it would be a good idea; otherwise co's thread will quickly become a mess. I would love to hear what other people have to say about why people do this as my wife is seemingly addicted to it - its like dealing with an alcoholic;


----------



## codata (Aug 14, 2010)

I want to thank everyone for their post. I need as much information as I can to get thru this.

Zoe2 - You are exactly who I was looking for. If you are in the same situation and in my wife's shoes maybe I can figure out what she was thinking. My wife is very adamant that their relationship is stricktly friends and nothing physical ever happened. She did tell me that she liked it because of the attention he was giving her. And through this all, she tells me she loves me deeply and does not want to sleep with someone else. 95% of me believes her ...it's that f&$#@#ing 5% that keeps me up all night. I know you don't know her but is it possible to keep this type of texting relationship without taking the next step?


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

She should not be having that kind of texting relationship. 
Its disrespectful to you...and even if it doesn't physically go there, emotionally he's in her brain. Don't let it continue - or perhaps don't let your marriage continue. 
Do you think his W would like it?
Perhaps suggest to your W that the of you go to dinner and 'discuss' this texting relationship? 
Perhaps his W would be fine with it. Ya think?
If your wife actually thinks that his W would be ok with it - than she is totally in a cloud.
Challenge her with that reality. Trust me.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

zoe2 said:


> I really appreciate your post. This is my first time on the site. I found it by simply googling sexting/marriage. First of all I want to say I am sooo sorry for your hurt! I am the wife in your story. Our situation that unfolded this past weekend if identical to yours. I was caught having an inappropriate texting (sexting) relationship. I have hurt my husband deeply! I understand that an emotional affair can be worse than a physical one. I know that your wife probably isn't a "bad" person, just like I know I'm not. However, I am trying to understand what causes me to do this. (it's the 2nd time i've engaged in this type of behavior with a male friend) I don't want this incidence to define me as a human because we all have faults. I feel that your wife and myself must identify why we do this in order to 'fix' it. Because I know for me I feel embarrassed, ashamed and remorseful.


Welcome to the forums.



> I too am very happy in my marriage. I wouldn't trade him for anyone!!! However, I think I found myself intoxicated by the attention of another man. Maybe I just need to know I still have it 'goin on' and that other men find me attractive. I almost compare it to a sex addiction. good luck I wish you peace.


This.

ALthough I am wondering exactly what you mean by sex addiction, as humans is in our brains as chemicals reacting (as are all emotoins at the core) the emotional happiness and satisfaction and drive when we are made to feel desired sexually by someone who we also would desire them!!!

That is why so often is the symptoms of affairs much like someone addicted to drugs, because mainly to our brains and emotions that is what it is!

All good men and women reading this, make sure you unnerstand this and get this. To get that feeling as in to be young, and first in love, to get that feeling even years and even decades later again, perhaps after thinking such feelings were impossible to feel agian due to age or whathaveyou, when someone lights that fire inside us, whether man or woman, be sure it will not easily be solved by logic or talk, so strong is those feelings at the core.

That is why I am so often beating this drum over and over and over, in our happy marriages the good man and woman must maintain this structure of sexuality, as old as humans and even older, the primal structure wired into our brains as who we are as men and women, and that is just this: the good man strives to dominate, and the woman strives to be dominated.

REgardless of anything else, be it college education learning, career speaking, political correct or religious upbringing or what the tvs, songs, movies, best friends say, take to heart that behind our closed doors and in our private and intimate places, let the man be the man and the woman be the woman.

Do this to maintain this sexual structure, keep each other on fire for one another, that way it is each other that lights the fire of sexual attraction to our happiness and bliss.

And in this way it is not some affair man or some affair woman that will come along (and yes they will come along) to light this fire in our partner to our misery.




zoe2 said:


> This is all very good advise! It is an affair...sleeping together or not! It's emotional infidelity. But why why why, do we as women, find it so thrilling to know other men find us desirable? Low self esteem? Media telling us we MUST look a certain way or we're no good? Lack of a strong father figure? I don't know. Help???


If a good man is lighting the fire in his woman, where this fire would be burning brightly letting a woman _*feel*_ she is attractive and sexual and desirable, if this fire is not burning instead there will be the emptiness and that is the home and source of the feeling of insecurity that a woman is feeling.

Where there is the feeling of being sexually attractive, there is not feeling insecurity. Where there is feeling of insecurity, there is not the feeling of sexually attractive. 

One or the other, but always the one or else the other. 

When a man is not lighting his woman on fire in this way, her feelings of insecurity will manifest as resentment, and often nagging, and after time if these tactics are not spurring her man to wake up and "fight for her", the comes the emotional disconnection.

As the woman is not going to be feminine and vulnerable and open and emotoinally connected to a man that has not the mettle to "fight for her", since the beginning of time it is this way in us as humans for our very survival!

So do not blame the media or father figures or anyting for this, it is nothing to blame anyone for anyway. It is our sexual heritage as humans, that the man that is not going to fight for his woman has not earned the priveleged of being her man.

ANd guess what, this is making the door wide open for some other man to come along, often some affair man, a man that makes the woman feel desired when he shows interest and the mettle that he will pursue what he desires. 

ANd what a fire in a woman he lights, if her kindling is dry from years of neglect and resentment, when this affair man come along! 

Add to that the element of sneaking and hiding (this tells the woman she is so desirable that the affair man is taking a risk for her), and you are laying the foundation, at least in the emotionally sense in the mind, of some seedy romance novel or movie, except multiply times ten thousand due to the emotional (chemical) addictions!!!!

The finess is just this, instead to feel this addction from some affair man, for the good man in his marriage to make sure he is feeling this from his woman, and his woman is feeling this from him.



codata said:


> I want to thank everyone for their post. I need as much information as I can to get thru this.
> 
> Zoe2 - You are exactly who I was looking for. If you are in the same situation and in my wife's shoes maybe I can figure out what she was thinking. My wife is very adamant that their relationship is stricktly friends and nothing physical ever happened. She did tell me that she liked it because of the attention he was giving her. And through this all, she tells me she loves me deeply and does not want to sleep with someone else. 95% of me believes her ...it's that f&$#@#ing 5% that keeps me up all night. I know you don't know her but is it possible to keep this type of texting relationship without taking the next step?


You do not want to settle for this relationship structure even with or witout the physical sex, for in your mind is torture either way and not a way to continue with integrity.



stillINshock said:


> She should not be having that kind of texting relationship.
> Its disrespectful to you...and even if it doesn't physically go there, emotionally he's in her brain. Don't let it continue - or perhaps don't let your marriage continue.
> Do you think his W would like it?
> Perhaps suggest to your W that the of you go to dinner and 'discuss' this texting relationship?
> ...


This is advice from stillINshock worth its weight in gold.

To make this kind of "challenge" is maybe killing many birds with one stone, the most important making you look like a man who is willing to stand and fight for what he wants.

ANd that is what your actions and behaviors are needing to communicate in all things right now!


----------

