# Father trying to do what's best for kids



## betterdaysahead (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi all and thanks for reading. I'm looking for advice/support. I posted on here a while ago, but here's the update and facts.

10 year marriage

3 children current ages 6 to 8

Wife was cheating since Spring 2012. This was not the first time...

She did IC and some joint sessions. Never told counselor she was cheating.

Caught her in November.

She moved out in December over 25 miles away from my house and 30 miles from the school. 50 minute drive with traffic.

Bought a house recently with boyfriend (the OM) there.

Just signed divorce papers.

Custody trial scheduled in October.

She insists the kids move with her (out of area and school district) while I insist on stability for them (in the marital home with me, in their current school, etc.)

Since leaving, she exercised two evening visits per week and one overnight per weekend. I have had primary custody and been doing my best to help the kids deal with this while dealing with all the turmoil myself.

I have a temporary custody order since April that reads 50/50 during summer, during school she gets two evening visits and one weekend overnight.

I am very worried the judge will move my kids and need some advice.

Neither of us drinks, drugs, abuse or anything like that. 

During the marriage, she worked part-time. Now she is full time like me.

Her work is halfway between my house and her new one. Her parents live near where she moved to, and that's where the OM is from also.

Your thoughts??

Thanks!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

If the custody hearing won't even start until october I can't see where a judge will make the kids move in the middle of the school year. I could be wrong but that's how I see it.

Make sure you document everything you can on why the children are better off staying with you as primary caretaker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I understand your fear, since the "norm" is for courts to keep young children with the mother. That assumes the mother has been the primary caregiver, an assumption you don't have to deal with. Smallsteps is right, no judge is going to be thrilled with moving the children in the middles of a school year.
Document everything. Make a book of things you do, household routines, school activities, scouting, anything the kids can do on a regular basis. websites like shutterfly can help turn photos into a good book. The kids will probably love the book and its a good way to present this information to the court. Keep a journal of daily activities and include your routines, particularly the mood of the kids before and after visits to mom's. Become very familiar with the teachers. Try to remember her infidelity is irrelevant when it comes to custody. In your jurisdiction, is a guardian ad-litem appointed? Some states use on for every disputed custody issue. 
Do not bad-mouth mom, either to the kids or any family/friends (you of course can vent all you want here). Be secretly vigilant for any bashing by her. Are the kids in counseling?
You are in a gut-wrenching situation, good luck.


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## betterdaysahead (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank you both for your advice. I have been keeping a journal of daily activity - where I am, where the kids are and who's watching them when, etc.

I'm in PA. Had a conciliation conference with the judge - first words out of his mouth were "Am I reading this temporary order right, or do I have this backwards?" 

Not a good start IMO....

Thing is, she's not a terrible mom and I've really stepped up to be the support the kids need through all this (translation, I am a good dad). It has been hard on them, as they love and need us both. 

There's a bit of bashing coming from her end, but not a ton as far as I can tell. She introduced them to the OM two months after leaving - I feel that was poor timing and inappropriate, and they all do things together on her parenting time.

I have been thinking about counseling for my daughter (8 y.o.) as she seems to be taking it the hardest, but haven't crossed that bridge yet. She is doing very well in school and socially, so I don't want to make an issue if there isn't one. 50/50 legal means I need her permission to do counseling as well. Not sure how that conversation will go.

No guardian ad-litem and the judge didn't ask for a custody evaluation, so that won't be happening either. Just a mud slinging fest between two reasonably competent parents in court mostly because she bought a house so far away to be with her boyfriend and insists that the children move there - essentially replacing me with him as a 50/50 schedule would be difficult due to distance.

I believe she moved 45 minutes away to essentially force an either/or decision by the court in that her employer is only 20 minutes from my house, so why move 25 minutes further past that????

Hope the judge sees it that way. I'm worried if he allows them to move with her primarily, then what's next - a move halfway across the country?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

betterdaysahead said:


> I have been thinking about counseling for my daughter (8 y.o.) as she seems to be taking it the hardest, but haven't crossed that bridge yet. She is doing very well in school and socially, so I don't want to make an issue if there isn't one. 50/50 legal means I need her permission to do counseling as well. Not sure how that conversation will go.


I suggest moving forward with the child psych. It has helped my D7 and the co-parenting.

Sure, it is 50/50 legal custody and the other parent should be involved in medical decisions. That doesn't mean you can't make a choice and give her the opportunity to agree or kill it. 

First session should be just with the parent(s) anyway. And an appointment can always be cancelled. 

I spoke to the school counselor to inform of the situation (briefly) and get a referral. I called and set up an appointment and invited X. Document that. 

If it goes well, document. If she shoots it down, document.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Fwiw the judge will not allow either one of you to move far away without the others permission. That's in my divorce decree and is typically the norm; I do know someone that wanted to move out of state with her kids to move in with a guy she met on the internet and the kids father (ex hb)) said no. She was livid but who cares, she was a nutjob anyway. She got over it eventually. Worst case scenario is the judge gives the kids to her but you have the no move clause written in. Hopefully he'll evaluate many things regarding where the kids are better off, and that will include the school district.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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