# is asking for a little romance to much?



## alli (Apr 21, 2011)

I am new to all of this but am really needing some good advice. I have been with my husband for 21 years now I was in High school when we started dating we have 3 beautiful children and he is a kind respectful, trustworthy man. He lacks on the romance like most men do. I feel like we go thru this dance at least once a year I throw my self at him tell him how badly I want him and need him I will wake him up in the middle of the the night only the way a wife should lol ect.. now he does not push me away but he does not give anything back he will call me a dork and laugh at me tell me that I'm a nympho with humor of course. During all this I am asking him to show me how he feels about me that I'm not asking for the big romance novel I just want to feel like I matter to him and that he loves me and wants me. Then I will do this for 2 to 3 months while trying to hold his hand and tell him what I need from him with no luck so feeling beatin down and frankly a little unwanted I tell myself I am asking to much and go back to just the friendship part of the marriage and focus on my kids. There is alot more but this is the jist of it so if any one has any thoughts on this please let me know I feel so alone and so confused


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I guess it's the "lot more" part I'm curious about. What else is going on in the marriage?

For my part, my wife would go through these phases, too. But it would be after years of me trying to show her affection and getting zero in return. When she would start with these phases, in the back of my mind I would say "don't get excited... it's going nowhere".

I think it's going to take more than a couple of months to get him fired up again, if he ever even does.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This guy adores you. He may not be Don Juan but he clearly adores you. He has treated you with respect for 21 years and you know you can count on him because he apparently values you enough to reliably take care of you. For some guys, faithfully heading off to work every day for 21 years and being the "go-to" guy is their way of saying "I love you". That's a message carved in the rock of deeds and takes a whole lot more effort than just some guy saying sweet words. Lots of women get slurped on and have their hand held and they hear all sorts of sweet talk but most don't have a guy who has been regular as clock-work for 21 years. 
I think it's sweet that y'all have this "dork" and "nympho" exchange in a playful way. Real trust allows people to be playful like that. He may not sound (or look) like James Bond on the Riviera, but what you described sounds like a very loving husband to me. You can probably teach him to say and do the things you like, but I don't think you need to fear for a second that he doesn't want, need, or appreciate you.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

alli said:


> if any one has any thoughts on this please let me know I feel so alone and so confused


I promise you are certainly far from alone in this. There is no need feel confused. You want what you want and you're not getting it. Looks pretty straightforward to me.

Accept that some work will be required on your part to affect any positive change. Once a year is not enough, to be successful one needs to work on this consistently. I find that my wife is always in the mode of waiting for me to let up so she can recalibrate how much she really has to do. For example, if I work for 3 months and get frustrated and back off, she calculates that she has to make her good behavior last for 6 weeks before she goes back to her comfort zone. 

Don't perform the same script over and over like a play. Any strategy that didn't work (which is all of them at this point) should be discarded and you should get a new perspective and a new strategy and try again.

Keep this up and you will get results, hopefully the results you want. My wife got so upset over my efforts to get her to kiss me every day in the morning when I leave for work and in the evening when I return that she started an argument over it and escalated things until she was threatening to move out. This in turn is creating internal dissonance that is causing some real change. It can be sad to watch because there are actually visible fractures of her consciousness appearing and disappearing as she processes change. You have to have a strong stomach for this kind of stuff.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm curious about the a lot more too. I don't think I'd like being called a nympho but as long as he doesn't turn me down I'm okay. What I'm learning about my dh is if I give to him more emotion/romance he is more likely to return it. Key is to be consistent not just something I try for a few days, quit, try again in a few months, quit, and so on and so on. He isn't equipped to handle my seemingly ever changing moods and he feels beat down when I complain. What he hears is he's not good enough so better to focus on what he does right and go from there. Baby steps you know?

Basically I'm acting as if I already have what I want and not letting what he does deter me. I just pretend as if he's the most romantic, fabulous man on the planet and respond accordingly. I'm having really good luck with this too.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

My wife is an Acts of Service / Words of Affirmation love language type person where as I am a Physical Touch with a minor in Quality Time. 

I know her love language, she does not know mine. I know exactly what I want from her. When I explain it to her she "playfully" calls me things like "horn dog" "oversexed" etc. When we have serious discussions "it is only sex." and "we do spend time together all the time." To me, being in the same room doing different things is NOT spending time together.

With that said, she has no problem ignoring my love language, but WHOA NELLY when I ignore hers.

I've never read the "The 5 Love Languages" but I know what fits my wife and the things I can do to INSTANTLY have her question my love are:

1) When I leave for work tell her I'll "See her tonight" and offer no I Love You or good by "grandma-kiss"

2) When I get a drink, do not offer to get her one.

3) Don't say I love you when SHE expects it (when hanging up the phone etc)

4) Make no comment on how good dinner was.

5) Do not offer to help her with anything she is doing.

6) Tell he no when she asks me to do something for her.

And the list goes on and on. If I do not do one of the things above, just once she I like a cat. The hair on her back stands up and her claws come out.

You have a need and it seems your husband is blowing it off. Figure out his love language and start blowing off some of his needs. When he brings it up, laugh it off and make light of it. You can make him feel what you feel. I know talking to my wife about my needs does nothing because, "It is only sex and we do spend time together". But if I ignore her needs just once, well then, there must be something wrong and the marriage must be on the brink of collapse and it must be fixed NOW!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The thing that I find sweet about the "nympho" and "dork" comments, (as well as her romance novel jab) is that these are recurring, private jokes between two people who understand each other and trust each other enough to engage in a little "play". That's what intimacy is...these little (but powerful) special links that couples only share between each other. My wife and I have several, but I think I feel closest to her (other than sex) when we're engaged in this little lame sitcom reruns that we both created years ago. They're stupid, they're lame, others wouldn't understand them, but they're special only to us. They're really saying, "you are safe" "You are home" "I accept and "get" you warts and all". Listen to really happy old couples and you'll see and hear loads of these. My concept of true love isn't found in watching people make out but in watching an elderly couple tenderly interact with one another, barely even needing to speak words anymore because they've become so in-tune with each other. Such a love is my goal and it just sounds to me that the OP has the makings of one. I'm near 100% confident that neither of my grandfathers never said any goo goo words to my grandmothers after they got married, but they worked like dogs every day, sacrificed their own wills and wishes daily, holding my grandmothers paramount in their lives for over 70 years of marriage. Both would have died for their wives without a second's hesitation. That sort of devotion screams love far louder and clearer than any poetic phrase or smooching. I understand she wants a little more of that and I'm sure she can convince her husband to at least try, but I think her insecurities are unfounded. I believe this guy is nuts about her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> This guy adores you. He may not be Don Juan but he clearly adores you. He has treated you with respect for 21 years and you know you can count on him because he apparently values you enough to reliably take care of you. For some guys, faithfully heading off to work every day for 21 years and being the "go-to" guy is their way of saying "I love you". That's a message carved in the rock of deeds and takes a whole lot more effort than just some guy saying sweet words. Lots of women get slurped on and have their hand held and they hear all sorts of sweet talk but most don't have a guy who has been regular as clock-work for 21 years.
> I think it's sweet that y'all have this "dork" and "nympho" exchange in a playful way. Real trust allows people to be playful like that. He may not sound (or look) like James Bond on the Riviera, but what you described sounds like a very loving husband to me. You can probably teach him to say and do the things you like, but I don't think you need to fear for a second that he doesn't want, need, or appreciate you.


:iagree:

Let me give you an example that illustrates exactly what unbelievable is saying.

I used to work with this girl who seemed to have the most attentive-romantic, loving husband on the outside. He would send flowers for no reason to her at work. He would call to see how she was doing. When we traveled for work he would call to see if she made it okay and then call when she left to see when she was going to get home, etc.

It used to make me jealous - my husband sent flowers, but not for no reason, he didn't call when I travelled, or was as attentive.

Fast-forward a couple of years and I find out that this girl is getting a divorce from her husband. I asked why - this guy appears to be a dream. Well guess what - he wasn't. All that attention, phone calls, etc., was just his way of trying to keep her from finding out about a long-term affair he was having. He figured if he kept up the "husband" part - she wouldn't get suspicious. And all those phone calls - keeping tabs on her so she wouldn't catch him in the act as the affair was taking place at their home, in their bed.

That put things in a whole, different perspective for me.

While my husband is not romantic - says uh-huh sometimes when I tell him I love him, doesn't call all the time, is not overly attentive, etc., when he does say he loves me - I know he means it. He's been around for more than 27 years and with all his faults, he's stuck it out and does show he loves me (in his own way).

So if you think the grass is greener on the other side - you might be wrong - it might only be greener because someone is painting it!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> The thing that I find sweet about the "nympho" and "dork" comments, (as well as her romance novel jab) is that these are recurring, private jokes between two people who understand each other and trust each other enough to engage in a little "play". That's what intimacy is...these little (but powerful) special links that couples only share between each other. My wife and I have several, but I think I feel closest to her (other than sex) when we're engaged in this little lame sitcom reruns that we both created years ago. They're stupid, they're lame, others wouldn't understand them, but they're special only to us. They're really saying, "you are safe" "You are home" "I accept and "get" you warts and all". Listen to really happy old couples and you'll see and hear loads of these. My concept of true love isn't found in watching people make out but in watching an elderly couple tenderly interact with one another, barely even needing to speak words anymore because they've become so in-tune with each other. Such a love is my goal and it just sounds to me that the OP has the makings of one. I'm near 100% confident that neither of my grandfathers never said any goo goo words to my grandmothers after they got married, but they worked like dogs every day, sacrificed their own wills and wishes daily, holding my grandmothers paramount in their lives for over 70 years of marriage. Both would have died for their wives without a second's hesitation. That sort of devotion screams love far louder and clearer than any poetic phrase or smooching. I understand she wants a little more of that and I'm sure she can convince her husband to at least try, but I think her insecurities are unfounded. I believe this guy is nuts about her.


:iagree:

Spot on again!

My husband and I have this unique way of speaking to each other. 

Outsiders think we are arguing or disrespecting each other - but we're not - this is how we speak to each other - long-term marriage - we know each other.

I never thought of it as a type of intimacy - thanks for that - need all I can get right now!


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm pretty damn jealous personally.

But this seems like a very small issue. You seem to have a great relationship, good sex, etc after a very long time together so all in all, I'm betting he's just happy and content and not meaning anything negative at all.

But what do you want for "romance" exactly?


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