# Hail Mary Pass



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Been away from here for awhile living the dream of a BS

Wanted to ask this here see what happens.

For the BS's out there was there a moment or a time when you were on the edge (ready to end it but still unsure) and something brought you back, not something that fixed it all as I don't think there is anything that can do that. No an event, a whisper anything that brought you back, renewed your faith as it were that you could continue with them?

The questions lead to this anniversary coming up (asked before about how to handle a milestone anniversary what to do etc, things haven't been great between us the last 2 or 3 months and I see nothing but a downward progression(her infidelities almost 3 years ago have put us on this path)
As a last ditch effort I decided to go away for that weekend, cabin in the woods nothing no one around just the two of us to see if any spark exists, not only sex I am sure there will be lots of that when we are away, but some honest conversations that will give me the ability to continue this marriage.
Right or wrong I am looking at this time away as the decision maker, if things don't go well then I will start the process of D and look to put her out after the holidays, if it goes well then I will continue and see where it takes us towards the future.
While we have had conversations about our marriage I have not told her about my thoughts for our time away I don't want her to over compensate or try to sway me, I want her to act and react as she normally would.
Next weekend should be a busy time.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

After my wife left me (so totally unexpectedly as I thought our marriage was A-1) I reached a point of suicidal thoughts. But my daughter deserved so much better from me that it helped sustain me. I was also reading and meditating on the Psalms.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> After my wife left me (so totally unexpectedly as I thought our marriage was A-1) I reached a point of suicidal thoughts. But my daughter deserved so much better from me that it helped sustain me. I was also reading and meditating on the Psalms.


Unsure what that has to do with my question but I am glad you found ways to cope.


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Been away from here for awhile living the dream of a BS
> 
> Wanted to ask this here see what happens.
> 
> ...


I wish you an enjoyable weekend. You have been at this a while so you know as much as or more than me. I was inclined towards grand gestures at the outset. I wanted to demonstrate my love and the importance of us. Out loud. With gifts, dinners, trips, notes in her pocket, spontaneous back rubs. Getting her rings resized and maybe re-fitted. All wrong. I felt exhilaration thinking about all of these things, planning and executing. The big moment when we could look each other in the eye and say we want us. Everything fell flat. It's a lousy hand. I sincerely hope you parlay it into something better.


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Not to be a downer, but did you see the movie Blue Valentine?


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I wish you an enjoyable weekend. You have been at this a while so you know as much as or more than me. I was inclined towards grand gestures at the outset. I wanted to demonstrate my love and the importance of us. Out loud. With gifts, dinners, trips, notes in her pocket, spontaneous back rubs. Getting her rings resized and maybe re-fitted. All wrong. I felt exhilaration thinking about all of these things, planning and executing. The big moment when we could look each other in the eye and say we want us. Everything fell flat. It's a lousy hand. I sincerely hope you parlay it into something better.





Harken Banks said:


> Not to be a downer, but did you see the movie Blue Valentine?


I haven't seen that movie I will check it out.

I am not into grand gestures however I do believe in emotional impacts during important times and dates. As for all the other stuff, I used to do that before and shortly after DDay, now I generally put it on her to figure it out.
Well before Dday she had stated she wanted a ring for this one but I nixed that over the summer, all of our anniversaries since dday have been low key quiet dinners at home away from the kids, was thinking this year would be the same but family wanted to throw us a party, I couldn't do that with everything going on so decided on this adventure so as not to disappoint them which they will be if it goes south but we are not there yet and it may be a few months until so I will cross that bridge when I have to.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

love=pain said:


> For the BS's out there was there a moment or a time when you were on the edge (ready to end it but still unsure) and something brought you back, not something that fixed it all as I don't think there is anything that can do that. No an event, a whisper *anything that brought you back, renewed your faith as it were that you could continue with them?*


That's a very good question love=pain.

I wish I could give you an answer. In theory, I'm told that making the decision to forgive and to re-commit to the marriage is the key. I think there are a number of BS's who do this early in the R during the hysterical bonding period - should there be one.

What I've discovered however, is that when that HB period plays out, the mind can fight against the notion of 100% emotional investment in the marriage. Not only because of the BS's recurring thoughts, but by the actions or non-actions of the WS. I guess that's why R's are so difficult.

I'll eagerly await for some other poster to show us the light.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was never really on edge about the M collapsing. After dday I had in my mind that there was no way she would be able to go cold turkey. So for me it was just a matter of time before she blow her second chance and i could pull the trigger on D. I figured with in the 1st yr after dday she would be history.

Put there was an event that I believe sealed the commitment to keep her and that was our second anny after dday (20 yr anny in our old marriage). We renewed our vows and we both stayed focused on keeping our old behaviors out of this new marriage.

Granted I was concerned about the old crap coming back but that 1st yr after dday my old ladies actions really impressed the hell out of me so I went forward with the vow renewal and we took the risk to stay together.

It payed off.....so far!

It was the 1st yr after dday that was going to make us or break us. I will add that we still have our ups and downs but what the hell that kind of thing could happen if I replaced my old lady with a different women. The fact is, a few yrs ago, I marred a different women who I have been married to for over 20yrs. 

In your case you have the expectation that your wife will change after 4 yrs of this crap. In my case I expected my wife not to.

In short it was my wife's own actions that kept her around.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

the guy said:


> I was never really on edge about the M collapsing. After dday I had in my mind that there was no way she would be able to go cold turkey. So for me it was just a matter of time before she blow her second chance and i could pull the trigger on D. I figured with in the 1st yr after dday she would be history.
> 
> Put there was an event that I believe sealed the commitment to keep her and that was our second anny after dday (20 yr anny in our old marriage). We renewed our vows and we both stayed focused on keeping our old behaviors out of this new marriage.
> 
> ...


Maybe I am looking for too much change but I believe it is things that can be fixed, I am smart enough to know that to ask someone to completely change who they are is impossible so maybe in that context I am farting in the wind but what I want is for her to grow up take true responsibility for her actions and put "us" first instead of "her".

Your story sounds great but your wife did change I am guessing if she didn't you wouldn't be there, as for me the reason I am finally at the point of D is because I don't expect her to ever change, I have waited to see if she could but other than her not cheating she is the same.

In short it will be her actions that will force her to go or her actions that will keep her around.


----------



## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

I don't know anything about your situation but you sure do sound like me. You still love your wife, but she doesn't fulfill your needs and you want her to change. I'm not sure why you think being in a place away from everyone else will bring about that change if you've been communicating your needs to her and she isn't making the effort to fulfill them now.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

love=pain

I think you either have to accept your wife for who she is - part of which is someone who has betrayed you in the past and whom you cannot trust not to do so in the future;

or

divorce her and move on with your life, seek out a better woman.

yes, people her age can change who they are. but the probability is vanishingly small.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

justastatistic said:


> I don't know anything about your situation but you sure do sound like me. You still love your wife, but she doesn't fulfill your needs and you want her to change. I'm not sure why you think being in a place away from everyone else will bring about that change if you've been communicating your needs to her and she isn't making the effort to fulfill them now.


I have no grand illusion that everything will be picture perfect after this little trip but getting away from everything kids, house etc for a few days to focus on us, having discussions that are not interrupted is more of what I am thinking.
During the day to day it can be hard to find time to have in depth discussions and as I said previously I believe in emotional impacts during crucial times in your life.
Celebrating a long term anniversary and talking about standing on the edge of staying together or splitting up doesn't get much more impact than that.
I have already told her we may need IV fluids from dehydration or a blood transfusion from being sequestered for a few days.

Do I really think things will be different? not really sure but I want to give it that last shot to make myself perfectly clear about what I need and hear from her about what she needs and see if either of us can or is willing to fulfill those things. I am prepared for either course the kids have some knowledge of our struggles and while they won't be happy at their age it will be easier to manage, financially things are good for both of us a little pain but nothing catastrophic, so there is no pressure or family issues to complicate a decision.

25+ years is a long time to be together and it is also a lot to throw away ,although she did that with her actions, so I believe it is worth the effort.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

love=

if you leave her you won't really be "throwing away" 25 years. you could leave her tomorrow and meet somone in 6 months that would love you more within a week than she ever has. excuse my exaggeration but see my point? her limited ability to remain faithful to you is a reflection of her limited ability to love you. Other women out there do not have those kinds of limits on their abilitiy to love.....


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ok, I had a chance to glance at your many threads, and it seems that you've never really been in R in your mind. In one thread, you mentioned that you might only just be staying until the kids get older and the money situation gets better.

You've been doubting R for a long time and your threads from 2013 onward show it. You've mentioned in your threads that your WW has been remorseful and doing the heavy lifting....I think. So what exactly does it mean when you say things haven't been great? 

Is the stumbling block you? Or has your WW reverted to her old ways? Or has she refused to do any more heavy lifting and wants to sweep this under the rug?

There's nothing wrong if you ultimately feel that the affair is a deal breaker for you. This weekend is a good idea that should let you know where your own feelings stand.

The question is, are you prepared to walk away if you feel that its not worth continuing? I think I was were you were at, 2-3 years in. I don't remember where I saw the term, but I think it's called "the plain of lethal flatness". During that time, I just didn't feel the spark for her that I once had, that I was just going through the motions. I don't know why or when, but somehow it came back. 

So when is this weekend getaway supposed to happen?


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Love=, life is too short to live in a crippled marriage. At best, things can get good, nice, but you'll never ever be able to trust her. And time spent with her, is time you could be healing up and preparing for a really awesome lady who would be tru to you for the rest of your life; a lady you can trust emphatically, deeply.

That is why cheating is so damaging...the effects are permanent, don't let anyone kid you on that.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

IMO, It is all about perception.

Your pre affair perception of her will never come back, instead this new perception, tainted one, puts her down now that you know that she could hurt you really bad and in alot of different ways.

The problem is that is not entitled to behave like before as she is not under the same length anymore. Since D'Day you questions her motives and doubt about everything.

As I posted in other of your threads, R is not a must, is a gift you give her everyday.

R is not for everyone, and less for affairs that happens is relatively happy marriage as the only explanations is that the BUS was not good enough.

Good luck on this weekend, I wish you find definition and be strong enough to move on in any the way you chose.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Ok, I had a chance to glance at your many threads, and it seems that you've never really been in R in your mind. In one thread, you mentioned that you might only just be staying until the kids get older and the money situation gets better.
> 
> You've been doubting R for a long time and your threads from 2013 onward show it. You've mentioned in your threads that your WW has been remorseful and doing the heavy lifting....I think. So what exactly does it mean when you say things haven't been great?
> 
> ...


I have always struggled with staying or going and I have a big problem with someone telling me they love me before they go to work and then they go and have sex with someone else before they come home. Add a few other sticky bits call them explosive nuisances and things can be a struggle.

She hasn't been unfaithful since the dday crap but she has went back to the selfish ways, added to the fact that during a few arguments over the last few months there have been new reasons for her cheating and they all are my fault (of course).

Several months ago I looked at everything and I was struck by just how similar she is to her father, he had multiple bouts of cheating, had been physical with her mother a few times (she has never struck me in the face but in the body quite a few times, the last time I got physical back(something I really regret) I did not strike her but did put my hands on her since then she hasn't even come close must have scared the sh1t out of her. Finally her father isolated her mom by moving away from the family for several years, while I do not really have any family we rarely see any of my close friends who were like my family. She has never said she doesn't want to go see them but something always comes up (passive aggressive) then later on when it is too late to go she will say "you should go without me". Funny the man she said she hated is the person she has become.

Understand I have known for a long time(well a bit after we were married) that she is a selfish very vain person and I was able to deal with it but with the cheating on top well you really can't trust someone who has cheated and said she needs constant attention.

Call me crazy but I strongly feel/felt that there is nothing I can't/couldn't live through to make sure my kids are healthy and taken care of which is why I have worked to secure everything so that in the event things went south there was nothing to influence a decision but our relationship, this may sound wrong but my marriage is no longer a necessary evil to the success of my family so if it does continue it is for the right reasons.
Maybe this way of thinking holds me back from going all in with R and this was a deal breaker and I am just biding my time till times are better or just a defense mechanism.

You are right about the plain of flatness and I guess this weekend is my way of seeing if there is another side to this plateau that rises or falls into the abyss.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

love=pain said:


> I have always struggled with staying or going and I have a big problem with someone telling me they love me before they go to work and then they go and have sex with someone else before they come home. Add a few other sticky bits call them explosive nuisances and things can be a struggle.
> 
> She hasn't been unfaithful since the dday crap but she has went back to the selfish ways, added to the fact that during a few arguments over the last few months there have been new reasons for her cheating and they all are my fault (of course).
> 
> ...


Dude... if you go any further south, you're doing to be hanging out w/ penguins.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude... if you go any further south, you're doing to be hanging out w/ penguins.


Well I did like "March of the penguins" so go figure. Although I haven't heard banjos yet


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Tough decision either way.

Do you think she will be really surprised you went for a D ( if you go for the D ) after the initial shock wears off ?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

love=pain said:


> She hasn't been unfaithful since the dday crap but she has went back to the selfish ways, added to the fact that during a few arguments over the last few months there have been new reasons for her cheating and they all are my fault (of course).


Well then this is NOT true remorse and you know it. This is why you have not even begun to heal. 

She's reverted back to her selfish ways and has begun the blameshifting again. If she was truly remorseful, then she would have fundamentally changed. Those of us in True R can see the permanent change in our former waywards. And that change is permanent. The true test of R is always time. A WS who is just faking remorse will revert back to their ways.

Now that you've cleared things up, I say forget the Hail Mary pass. It's time to call it. As one Colonial Marine, Pvt Hudson would say:

*Game over man, game over.*


----------



## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

My husband has had 4 emotional affairs, each time he has acted differently after he was caught. This last time, he has been totally accountable and 100% transparent. I ended up having an affair of my own not too long ago and I have become the same way, he knows where I am 100% of the time, as well as who I am with. 

The thing that changed our relationship for the better was honestly my affair. It jolted him back into reality that I could leave at any moment and I was still desirable to other men. After that happened, him and I have had an amazing time falling back in love and talking about us/working through each other's pain. 

Good luck with your trip, I think it sounds awesome


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

jasinzhai said:


> I was also reading and meditating on the Psalms.


I was drinking bourbon and watching porn what's your point


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Well then this is NOT true remorse and you know it. This is why you have not even begun to heal.
> 
> She's reverted back to her selfish ways and has begun the blameshifting again. If she was truly remorseful, then she would have fundamentally changed. Those of us in True R can see the permanent change in our former waywards. And that change is permanent. The true test of R is always time. A WS who is just faking remorse will revert back to their ways.
> 
> ...


Yeah I know but as the title of this thread I have to make that one last attempt at this stage I have nothing to lose, whatever the outcome I will have a clear vision as to the path I will take.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

love=pain said:


> I was drinking bourbon and watching porn what's your point


Eh... ignore that poster; it's a spambot.


----------



## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Caught my wife in loving conversation with her ex. Despite my huculean efforts to get her to confess to sex with him (if it in fact happened), she has steadfastly denied having crossed that line. That's how I can back from my edge. Had she crossed that line, there would not have been any coming back. Whatever it takes to forgive something like that, I don't possess. Sounds like yours crossed the line.....don't know what to tell you about repairing that.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

love=pain said:


> I have always struggled with staying or going and I have a *big problem with someone telling me they love me before they go to work and then they go and have sex with someone else before they come home. Add a few other sticky bits call them explosive nuisances and things can be a struggle.*
> 
> She hasn't been unfaithful since the dday crap but she has went back to the selfish ways, added to the fact that during a few arguments over the last few months there have been new reasons for her cheating and they all are my fault (of course).
> 
> ...


And this is it and what I have been saying for a long time here. The physical act of sex is one thing a BS has to deal with but the real rub is the emotional toll taken on by the lying that occurs. Because once you see your spouse as a liar how could you ever have respect for them. How could you ever trust them again. Even if a year from now they were to tell you that they were so much happier than before you would believe this why??

I have no idea how the few who reconcile get around this. I know me and I would. Be forever suspicious and always snooping and always waiting for the other shoe to drop.....one year or 20 years out.

This is the part you seem to have the problem with OP and why you doubt the reconcile. Answer this question honestly. Can you ever trust her again? If the answer is no it's time to end this.

Sorry you are here I went through this as well.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> And this is it and what I have been saying for a long time here. The physical act of sex is one thing a BS has to deal with but the real rub is the emotional toll taken on by the lying that occurs. Because once you see your spouse as a liar how could you ever have respect for them. How could you ever trust them again. Even if a year from now they were to tell you that they were so much happier than before you would believe this why??
> 
> I have no idea how the few who reconcile get around this. I know me and I would. Be forever suspicious and always snooping and always waiting for the other shoe to drop.....one year or 20 years out.
> 
> ...


You are right but the sex part still has sharp points to it.

Besides the actual cheating part the timing of the first instance was right after a major traumatic event in my life-to think she couldn't stand by me during this horrible time really hurts.

The second-after we had a huge blow out(a few weeks before dday) I was suspicious and started checking her phone ( I didn't find anything but kept checking), we went away with my one son and while we were away she had texted one of her girlfriends to say that* I was really trying* (I was working on our marriage trying to do the things she said she needed) about a week later she started texting the OM again (the one she was having a PA with before our big blow out), this has always bothered me, she admitted I was trying but it still wasn't good enough for her to stop contacting someone else.

I guess I have stayed this long to make sure no one, including my kids could ever say that I didn't try, didn't give it my all to make this work and this weekend is her last chance.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

to me, the sex part is every bit as damaging as the lying. If your wife says "hey, I am screwing this guy" and has done it and still does it, she is being honest, does it hurt any less ? Heck no. 

It's really ****$y what she did to you (He's trying and still contacting the other guy) as if she is perfect and holds no responsibility in the marital problems.

You are well justified in not taking R seriously. As a previous poster said, your marriage may even walk around on crutches for the rest of your years or you could start new somewhere else. I would opt for the latter but that is up to you but you need to make a decisive move now.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

After almost 4 months of turmoil I was starting to loose hope. Then my H took my face in his hands & I saw he was crying. He told me he was so sorry for hurting me, Begged me to forgive him & that he couldn't emagine growing old with anybody but me. He had said all these thing before, but never with such emotion. In that moment I felt a heavy weight lift from my heart. So that was the moment that changed things for me.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

love=pain said:


> I guess I have stayed this long to make sure no one, including my kids could ever say that I didn't try, didn't give it my all to make this work and this weekend is her last chance.


This is way overrated. You know how many BS's post this same exact line? The noble, "so I can look my kids in the eye", falling on the sword, line? No one's kids ever ask that. They all know you tried.

What you're seeking is closure, pure and simple. Even right at this moment, based on all your effort and her lack thereof, you can already walk away guilt free.

But if you need closure, so be it. You know how this ends, and if she does change, you already know its only temporary. 

So what are you gonna do if she suddenly becomes a model fWW? And then a few months later, reverts to her normal, unremorseful self? Wash, rinse, repeat.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude... if you go any further south, you're doing to be hanging out w/ penguins.




Nothing wrong with penguins.



http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U4ZAaPYimfM


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> her limited ability to remain faithful to you is a reflection of her limited ability to love you. Other women out there do not have those kinds of limits on their abilitiy to love.....




OP, I haven't read your threads, but I wonder whether you have had the good fortune to experience a relationship like that described in the quote above? Do you believe, or have you believed, such is possible? That you are deserving of it?





Why do you suppose your MIL accepted such a lack of love from your FIL for so long? Did she just not know what was possible, and that she deserved more?





I have experienced many pulls back from the abyss, where (perhaps) a rush of oxytocin flooded me and I felt as if maybe her heart was thawing, and "how dramatic" of me to have thought it hopeless. Yet, so far, the feeling always fades soon enough. The ups and downs are painful and tiring. It is hard for me to give up on anything, and marriage to my kid's mother seems hardest to "quit". 



To your original question, I have found the handful of family trips and our rare day or two together to be illuminating, and quite the opposite of binding me more tightly to the notion I should stay in "the good fight".



Good luck, and sorry you have these issues in your life.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> This is way overrated. You know how many BS's post this same exact line? The noble, "so I can look my kids in the eye", falling on the sword, line? No one's kids ever ask that. They all know you tried.
> 
> What you're seeking is closure, pure and simple. Even right at this moment, based on all your effort and her lack thereof, you can already walk away guilt free.
> 
> ...


Noble maybe, overrated could be, but everyone has a tank of regret(most of it has nothing to do with my marriage) and mine is full so if I suffer a little longer than so be it.

If she wants to continue that's fine but the leash is very short, in reality I don't think anything will change maybe short term but who knows, I can never find that sword left it laying around here somewhere.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> This is way overrated. You know how many BS's post this same exact line? The noble, "so I can look my kids in the eye", falling on the sword, line? No one's kids ever ask that. They all know you tried.
> 
> What you're seeking is closure, pure and simple. Even right at this moment, based on all your effort and her lack thereof, you can already walk away guilt free.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

but I'll go further and say that no BS should ever accept others (anyone) equating BS failure to R with BS "not loving their kids enough......not loving their family enough"
I don't want to pull things off topic but teaching a child NOT to accept humiliation IS an act of love. where Divorce = nonacceptance.....


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

love=pain said:


> Noble maybe, overrated could be, but everyone has a tank of regret(most of it has nothing to do with my marriage) and mine is full so if I suffer a little longer than so be it.
> 
> If she wants to continue that's fine but the leash is very short, in reality I don't think anything will change maybe short term but who knows, I can never find that sword left it laying around here somewhere.


Living in Limbo is hell.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

love=pain

How are you doing?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

love=pain said:


> If she wants to continue that's fine but the leash is very short, in reality I don't think anything will change maybe short term but who knows, I can never find that sword left it laying around here somewhere.


I don't think the leash is short at all. Despite all of your talk, it's just that to her. She knows you won't do anything, and quite frankly, I think she's right. 

Its after the holidays now, and in your original post you said that it was going to be over if this last try didn't work. Or are you going to move the goal posts again.



love=pain said:


> Right or wrong I am looking at this time away as the decision maker, if things don't go well then I will start the process of D and look to put her out after the holidays, if it goes well then I will continue and see where it takes us towards the future.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

By doing nothing, just waiting to be better, while she is going back to her past behavior, you are showing her that it is OK, and that you will be there always...the thing is that when she feels confortable again she will start looking out again as her husband is broken and willing to do nothing to fix it.

If you stay you need to be able to fix you and your marriage, if you are not you are only waisting your time and energy.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> love=
> 
> if you leave her you won't really be "throwing away" 25 years. you could leave her tomorrow and meet somone in 6 months that would love you more within a week than she ever has. excuse my exaggeration but see my point? her limited ability to remain faithful to you is a reflection of her limited ability to love you. Other women out there do not have those kinds of limits on their abilitiy to love.....


Er, yeah. Don't meet someone in 6 months. More time needed. That isn't fun. I can vouch for it.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

love=pain said:


> I have always struggled with staying or going and I have a big problem with someone telling me they love me before they go to work and then they go and have sex with someone else before they come home. Add a few other sticky bits call them explosive nuisances and things can be a struggle.
> 
> She hasn't been unfaithful since the dday crap but she has went back to the selfish ways, added to the fact that during a few arguments over the last few months there have been new reasons for her cheating and they all are my fault (of course).
> 
> ...


Let me tell you two things from personal experience;

1. Kids are acutely aware of their parent's happiness and the family unit's happiness. You may think staying with your wife is the right thing but your kids will be happier if you are happy, no matter what that means. When my parents were in your place, all I wanted was for them was to make a decision and get on with it. Limbo is hell for kids too.

2. After a year separated, I have come to realise that a person that cheated, then trickle truth, then didn't commit properly to R simply does not have the skills, or has personal issues that PREVENT them from EVER doing so. The same issues prevent them from working on themselves to learn what it is that true R is. This is why (in my opinion), the WS IMMEDIATELY takes action to apologise, beg, grovel for forgiveness, then actively work on themselves, take all advice about how to R, and REALLY REALLY listens to the BS's feelings, then THERE IS NEVER going to be R acceptable to the BS. Obviously limbo witll be just fine to the WS because this is just how it was before for them, only they acted on their feelings in the act of cheating.

The way you describe your wife is VERY similar to mine. This means you have NO CHANCE of R.

If this sounds right, papers and move on.


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I have read too many stories were the spouses try to mash everything back together without working on what got them there in the first place.

I really belief that without professional help it seems thing go back the way there were and one partner starts to drift again. 

Don't just think if this trip does'nt work or this weekend away doesn't fix it that you give up. Try help first. It took us 4 months of "help" until we got back to somewhat normal. And guess what we had to not have sex either during that time. 

Think back what really draws you to your other and start like you dated odf young


----------

