# The Un-Divorce



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The Un-Divorce: When Leaving Your Marriage Is Just Too Much Work

Someone I work with heard them talking about it on a local radio station this morning - the increasing trend of people separated, dating and not actively pursuing divorce.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow, generation slacker hits a new low. Story at 11.

LIL


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## roses (Jul 30, 2010)

Let's be clear, *Ira only stayed marriage for monetary gain, not because divorce was too much work,* divorce would have meant too much to lose.


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## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

I couldn't do it. As hard as it is, I would rather be a grown up and face the facts, if it's over...I'm out.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think part of this is a result of our "booming" economy and the cost of healthcare.

Even though we are OK now, I still think about "what if I lost my job AFTER a divorce." Would really, really suck. Together, we could make it. Without her income, it might be time to foreclose or file for bankruptcy.

Also, I'm separated, but I think regardless I'm going to be somewhat of a single Dad with a full-time job for some years to come. No desire - or time or energy - for dating right now.

And financially, I really don't think I'm providing that much for my wife right now. I pay for all the kids stuff - she's in a fairly small apartment with a 10 year old van that's paid off. Healthcare would be the killer. To drop her, I'd save about $100 per month - and she'd have to pay at least $400 - $500 per month.

I probably shouldn't care so much, but I still tend to view it as "our" money and ultimately the effect that losing $300 - $400 per month would have on our children.


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## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

I see it and it's the things I need to start thinking of. Like I said, I need to grow up. Time to play in the real world.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Marriage is part of the real world. And just like most other things, it is NOT some sort of fairy tale with a guaranteed happy ending.

There is a very practical side to maintaining a partnership, even when the lovey-dovey butterflies are gone.


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## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

You know the more I think about this the more I realize that this is kinda what I want for the next 10 months. I want to stay here until my kids finish the next school year. I'm done but I don't think it's in their best interest to be rushed off just yet.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I get it actually and I respect it. Maybe it's because I am a Generation Xer - a slacker by default.

It's very costly to sort through the business of marriage. . .and with kids - it's just so complicated and they lose out on college educations and such.

Maybe I did make the wrong choice and should have just had an affair. . .not sure sometimes, I'll admit.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is pretty much exactly what my ex and I have done. There was no money, plain and simple. She couldn't afford to pay her half of mediation.

She didn't pursue taking the steps she needed to take, and I got fed up asking. So we just sort of moved on. We are now in the process of finalizing. We started the process in Feb 09.

Without a doubt, divorcing devastates most couples financially. And kids pay a high part of that price. 

The kids, and particularly my son's needs from a financial perspective were a major factor in trying to work things out.

I don't think it has anything to do with being lazy or a slacker. If there were distinct 'perks' to being divorced - then we'd be divorced. Quite the opposite is true. My financial advisor indicated that once we divorce, on top of paying 30K in child support, my tax burden goes up by another 11K, between losing one of the kids as a write off, and losing mortgage interest.

Whatever the hell works as long as nobody is being harmed _further_.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Maybe once we are all eligible for affordable, government sponsored healthcare (no political remarks please), the divorce rate will shoot up to 75%.

Its staggering to think that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Then you look around here and wonder if half of the ones that haven't ended were ever any good. That "maybe" leaves us with 25% of people being truly happy in marriage. And lets face it - 25% of the population are just plain crazy - I'm guessing there's some overlap there.

Yeah - getting a bit jaded here.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Jaded? Hurry up and come on over to cynical.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

The Destroyer said:


> I couldn't do it. As hard as it is, I would rather be a grown up and face the facts, if it's over...I'm out.


I agree with you completely. At this juncture in my life. I just want relief!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Depending upon your circumstances, 'Relief' is subjective, and it certainly doesn't always net out to equal 'Better'.

People divorce, hoping for better. Believing they deserve better, or want better. Divorce in and of itself, assures none of those things.


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## finewiththat (Aug 9, 2010)

So here's an idea....why get married in the first place? My ex and I got divorced 10 years ago by mediation. We made sure that our sons welfare came before anything else...we have joint custody, and pay for everything evenly as we can. As a divorced woman I still don't make 1/3 of what my ex makes, but I do what can. If I won the lottery, I would pay off his mortgage. I would!

Divorce is not just about the financial stuff, it's about learning to be who you are- facing the truth about yourself. Staying legally tied to someone just for the sake of the children, healthcare, etc, is a cop-out. I am healthier now than when I was married. Why? Because my ex was the main stress in my life. 

Un-divorce is more about having your cake (at home) and eating out too! What example are you setting for your kids? Yeah your mom and I don't love each other anymore,and we love you, and I have a gf on the side, but it's all good. 

Any woman who would want to get involved with a man who is still attached to a wife at home is crazy. Having said that, I probably wouldn't get married again even if money wasn't an issue. Marriage as a whole is an outdated idea with or without children involved.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

finewiththat said:


> Any woman who would want to get involved with a man who is still attached to a wife at home is crazy. Having said that, I probably wouldn't get married again even if money wasn't an issue. Marriage as a whole is an outdated idea with or without children involved.


I agree. Every relationship should be classified as social structure supportive - (house, financial, child-rearing) and social structure intimate - (intimate, emotionally supportive, sexual). Maybe all romance should be more like an affair? While we also set the social foundation for providing a home and raising kids?

And we should pick and choose accordingly. I mean c'mon? How insane is it that we expect one person to be socially gifted, an excellent bread-winner, career oriented, loves kids, have great parenting skills, responsible with money and investments, outstanding interpersonal skills, romantic sensibilities and desire to meet our needs while possessing the sexual appetites and athleticism of a porn star?

Who can truly pull that off? Besides me I mean ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Man ... I can kill a thread like nobody's business.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You want a great LTR experience than nurture a strong "desire to please" on the part of your partner. 

Some times that requires being patient and kind and understanding. And often it requires being firm and demanding balance. But balance can be created by your partner recognizing they need to do more, or by you doing less. I always offer the choice of W doing more if that seems necessary to me. And if she doesn't wish to - I am comfortable doing less. 

But I do think that many of the ill treated people on this board violate a cardinal rule on a routine basis. They say "I would never leave you over X". Sorry but nothing will bring out your partners inner monkey faster or more aggressively than that statement. And monkeys are AWFUL creatures. 

I have tried hard to act like a good boyfriend for 21 years - in return I feel like my W has acted like a good GF for all those years. The "we are married I now get to tell you all the byzantine reasons I don't feel like making you happy" routine never happened here. While we both take our marriage vows seriously we also believe those vows don't give our partner the right to treat us "worse" than they did when we dated. Better yes. But not worse. 



Deejo said:


> I agree. Every relationship should be classified as social structure supportive - (house, financial, child-rearing) and social structure intimate - (intimate, emotionally supportive, sexual). Maybe all romance should be more like an affair? While we also set the social foundation for providing a home and raising kids?
> 
> And we should pick and choose accordingly. I mean c'mon? How insane is it that we expect one person to be socially gifted, an excellent bread-winner, career oriented, loves kids, have great parenting skills, responsible with money and investments, outstanding interpersonal skills, romantic sensibilities and desire to meet our needs while possessing the sexual appetites and athleticism of a porn star?
> 
> Who can truly pull that off? Besides me I mean ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Man ... I can kill a thread like nobody's business.


I've been laughing for ten hours since reading your post only just got the strength back to reply lol

Bob


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If we weren't laughing, Bob, we'd be crying ... or running about wild-eyed waving machetes.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Deejo said:


> If we weren't laughing, Bob, we'd be crying ... or running about wild-eyed waving machetes.


Been there Deejo, fortunately the last bit stayed in my imagination lol.

A person can only take so much abuse, we all have our limits and the limits are all different to each of us. Would be different if it was a man, they wouldn’t push us that far unless they were truly crazy and would know when enough is enough, they’d get the message, we’d make sure they do. But what can you do when it’s the women you’re in love with that’s doing the abusing, other than set boundaries and become intolerant and if they go they go.

Bob


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