# Why Does this Annoy me? Husband won't take my advice.



## Ready2work

I'm not sure why this bothers me or what, if any, are the bigger implications and did a search but didn't come up with much so I'm hoping you all can help.

I feel sometimes ignored by my husband or as if my feelings aren't valid. I can give him advice on something and he argues or doesn't really say much of anything and often is not appreciative of what i say. Then later, he will tell me one of his friends/coworkers told him *virtually the same thing, if not exactly the same thing* I said and will speak to the genius/truth/reality/good nature of what that person said. When I point it out he just shrugs it off and teases like "yea you were right". I expressed that I feel ignored and he takes other people's words to heart more than mine and he quickly said that wasn't it and acted like he had no idea what i'm talking about.

This happened most recently with a job offer he received that would move us to a different part of the country. He was happy to get the job offer but not sure if he should take it and we should move. Within minutes he said he should call his dad. I asked him if we could talk first since we are married and it would effect me more than his dad. He got my point. We still had a quick, rushed convo so he could call his dad.

Then he talks to a coworker he talks negatively about often to get their opinion. I felt offended when he reached a decision and told me it was partly based on his coworker's opinion....which was coincidentally the same as mine. 

Some of this is petty but some i feel really hinders our ability to make decisions together and lean on each other. Am I reading too much into it?


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## Mavash.

Does he ask for your advice?


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## Ready2work

Yes usually he likes to talk things out and ask how i feel. It just seems like often he will tell me i'm flat out wrong lol or will question my advice and then praise the person who tells him to do the exact thing i said


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## KathyBatesel

LOL... some of the joys of marriage! 

The same thing happens in my marriage, and I have to confess I've been that way toward other people, too. I've come to realize it's not a bad thing that means I'm being ignored, although it still rubs me that way sometimes. 

It's more that the person doubts themselves, wants to trust you, but needs that extra little nudge to get there. 

My husband and I had a recent disagreement that involved his teen daughter, who I think needs a lot more discipline than she gets. Obviously, this isn't a once-and-done kind of issue, and since it is his child I usually defer to him. In this instance, however, she crossed a big line that I wasn't ok with at all, and I gave him my opinion (he asked for it). He didn't adopt my suggestions. Then, when her mother was around, a woman who has been completely absent from this child's life from the age of 2 until just last year, he asked her opinion on the situation. She said essentially the same thing I had, and he finally took some actions that were more in the direction I felt appropriate. 

I teased him about taking her opinion seriously, and he said the same thing as your husband, "No, that's not it." I told him I knew that and was kidding, and that I'm just happy he is seeing the validity of my viewpoint. 

What the heck... progress is progress, right? If your man's dad had a different opinion than you did, you can bet your hubby would look for yet another opinion. It's not about you, it's about him.


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## Mavash.

Ready2work said:


> Yes usually he likes to talk things out and ask how i feel. It just seems like often he will tell me i'm flat out wrong lol or will question my advice and then praise the person who tells him to do the exact thing i said


I've got people in my life that act like this. What they really mean is they want validation for what they've already decided to do or they don't really want to take advice from me.

With my husband I rarely take that bait. He asks how I feel and I throw it right back at him. "Honey it's your life, your job, your whatever how do you feel?"

I'm kinda done giving advice to my husband. Been married almost 21 years and it just never worked out that well for me. LOL


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## Ready2work

KathyBatesel said:


> LOL... some of the joys of marriage!
> 
> The same thing happens in my marriage, and I have to confess I've been that way toward other people, too. I've come to realize it's not a bad thing that means I'm being ignored, although it still rubs me that way sometimes.
> 
> It's more that the person doubts themselves, wants to trust you, but needs that extra little nudge to get there.
> 
> My husband and I had a recent disagreement that involved his teen daughter, who I think needs a lot more discipline than she gets. Obviously, this isn't a once-and-done kind of issue, and since it is his child I usually defer to him. In this instance, however, she crossed a big line that I wasn't ok with at all, and I gave him my opinion (he asked for it). He didn't adopt my suggestions. Then, when her mother was around, a woman who has been completely absent from this child's life from the age of 2 until just last year, he asked her opinion on the situation. She said essentially the same thing I had, and he finally took some actions that were more in the direction I felt appropriate.
> 
> I teased him about taking her opinion seriously, and he said the same thing as your husband, "No, that's not it." I told him I knew that and was kidding, and that I'm just happy he is seeing the validity of my viewpoint.
> 
> What the heck... progress is progress, right? If your man's dad had a different opinion than you did, you can bet your hubby would look for yet another opinion. It's not about you, it's about him.


I am glad I read this before responding. You're right, this is progress, and it really isn't about me. Thank you!


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## Ready2work

Mavash. said:


> I've got people in my life that act like this. What they really mean is they want validation for what they've already decided to do or they don't really want to take advice from me.
> 
> With my husband I rarely take that bait. He asks how I feel and I throw it right back at him. "Honey it's your life, your job, your whatever how do you feel?"
> 
> I'm kinda done giving advice to my husband. Been married almost 21 years and it just never worked out that well for me. LOL


That was my concern, that maybe he just didn't want to take advice from me but if so, I wanted to know why. I was worried if there was something that made him just not want to take my advice because he happens a lot (and I point it out lol so he doesn't deny that). I like your tactic though and I don't know why I feel the need to give my opinion just because he asks. Technically he did come to the same conclusion lol. Thanks!


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## Mavash.

Ready2work said:


> he did come to the same conclusion


99% of the time my husband comes to the same conclusion I would have without me saying a word. 

It's way less stressful on me to let him figure things out on his own.


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## Conrad

If they take your advice, you're a prime candidate for a blameshift.


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## BlindSide

My husband does the same thing and so do all of my friends and family. Used to drive me bonkers! I eventually just respond with something along the lines of, "how does this make you feel?" and then work them through the solution. I think I picked up too much from therapy as a kid. LOL!


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