# I love my husband and I want to please him....



## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

but we have a problem that I am having difficulty understanding. If I initiate sex he cannot maintain an erection. The only time maintaining seems to be an issue if I am the one initiating- so it is very hard for me not to think it's me. He seems fine if he is the initiator- although after several days in a row can have a little problem. We have only been married two years- the first year we spent apart because we were going through the immigration process. I want to make him happy- and for me that means pleasing him in every way possible. He of course gets very upset when this happens- he says he doesn't understand it etc etc etc. 
Any advice on this ? I know most men complain that their wives don't initiate enough. I did back off for awhile so we wouldn't have to go through the stress and frustration of it all- it is very upsetting- devastating in fact to me. I got the nerve up again last night- and he seemed to be responding okay ... but as soon as I climbed on top he started losing it. Please help- I don't have any idea what is wrong but I want to fix it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

How old are you guys? 

I had the same problem in my marriage. My H and I are in our twenties. My H also told me he didnt understand what was going on, that it was probably stress at work, low sex drive, etc. But I found a ton of porn on his computer and he later admitted to masturbating every day. That is why he couldnt get it up. 

I know what it can do to your self-esteem. I was incredibly hurt and resentful. He put me through so much when he could have just told me so I didnt have to go through all of that. The only thing I have found that helped is to stop initiating. It certainly is not ideal and is not a permanent solution but it is a short term solution until you can get your head on straight again.


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## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

Thanks Blanca-- I am 44 he is 38. Part of my job deals with IT so I am familiar with computers- nothing on any of ours. Not sure if he is masturbating - he says not (we have sex almost every day) - we have always been pretty open about sex and when we were living apart during immigration proceedings- indulged in mutual masturbation over the phone because we couldn't see one another. 
It seems to be related to me being the initiator - I look at least ten years younger- try to look good for him and am clean. I have gained a little weight but so has he. He just keeps saying its not me..... but it's hard to think otherwise when it only seems to be a problem when I take the lead. *Sigh*


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H seems to have a hard time getting it up if I initiate, too. He's not looking at porn anymore but I think he knows how much importance I place on him being able to get it up. There was a poster once that told me it can be really stressful for a guy to have to perform since its very obvious when they arent interested. 

But in the end Im with you - i think my H is just not that attracted to me. I think he is kind of attracted to me but not enough to have a wild sex life. He's attracted to me enough that when he wants sex he can get it up. 

How do you feel around your H in general? Does your H initiate sex in a lot of places? Mine only initiates at night when we are in bed. Every other time of the day he shows no sexual interest in me at all.


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## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

Any men have some input ? Have you ever experienced this when your wife has initiated ? or in general--- if you have had erection issues can you pinpoint a reason ? Thanks in advance....


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I thought it was "me" too. What else can you think when YOU are the one that is invovled - hard not to take it personally.

I'm not really sure, even after all this time, exactly what my husband's problem is.

I think part of it is:

- Medication(s)
- Age
- High Blood Pressure
- TBI medical issues
- Alcohol
- Porn (possibly)

Don't know if he's masturbating a lot, could be, but don't know and he won't talk about it.

I do know that if he's not drinking at all, then he has little issue getting it up - keeping it up for a while, different story.

If he's drinking - forget it - with everything else it's not going to work no matter what. 

So I've come to the conclusion that it's just not me.

It's him, his issues, his mental block in getting over the ED hump (not letting it become the #1 issue, which he is).

All I know is that I'm gifting myself a boob lift and a tummy tuck for my 51st birthday this year. That will make ME feel better about ME. If his interest then picks up, then I'll know it was ME. If not, then I was right and it's him. Either way, he might just have to step up more or step out.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It's not you, it's the circumstances. If he performs fine when he initiates but not when you do that should indicate it is not you. More than likely he may be intimidated with the woman being the aggressor. Now that it's happened a few times he's got a head case about it. You will need to work him out of that. Is there a pattern that is different when he initiates vs. you? i.e. who's on top. who starts oral.....?


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## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

Congrats on the boob lift and tummy tuck !!! I would love to lose some weight and get some new boobs and tuck everything up. I'm 44 and look younger but in some ways I feel cheated out of my husband being with me during my younger years... being able to look my absolute best I know would make me feel tons better. I was previously in an abusive 15 year marriage and feel I am now with my soulmate. We really connect and it is very hard for me to not feel that I MUST be the problem. Part of the problem may be that we are older and not exactly 20 anymore- I know both of our bodies work and respond differently. I know my husband is just as upset and says he doesn't understand what the issue is.... I just wish I could understand better- I know that when he loses his erection and he sees how upset I get - it makes it even worse. Vicious cycle..... I have been letting him do all of the initiating but there are times when I want to initiate and let him know how much I love and want him.... it should be reciprocal. I hadn't attempted to take the lead in months- and then when I did, it was an absolute disaster. My hubby doesn't drink- last BP was fine- he isn't on any medications- no diabetes that I know of .... 
I am a registered nurse so I have researched extensively on the physical causes- and there are none that I can see.... which leaves me to believe it does have something to do with me- I just don't know what..... performance anxiety because he isn't in control ? or that he isn't as attracted anymore ... I don't know what the answer is.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Asherah said:


> ... which leaves me to believe it does have something to do with me- I just don't know what..... performance anxiety because he isn't in control ? or that he isn't as attracted anymore ... I don't know what the answer is.....


It is most likely Performance Anxiety, like Amplexor said, he has a "head case" about it NOW. Any time a man is THINKING about his performance over HIS pleasure, no matter their age, this CAN happen. And once it happens, it is devestating for the man, and he often continues to THINK and worry about it with each impending attempt at sex! Once he gets a on a roll of successful romps , he will gain some confidence back & this could all be in the past. 

Sex Therapists have came up with "exercises" for couples to help Men overcome this. It is called *Sensate Focus *Five Tips for Overcoming Performance Anxiety


This book talks at lenght about such exercises >>> Amazon.com: Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems (9780897934657): Barbara Keesling Ph.D.: Books

I became quite aggressive with my husband for a time, and for the 1st time in our marraige, he was not able to hold that erection -every time. Freaked me out , I didn't know what was wrong with him, of coarse us women think it is us (natural response but this also adds to his frustration!!) , then I thought it was his Testosterone levels (he was 45 at the time) , or Performance Anxiety. Although his TEST was not high, even a bit lower than average for his age, it WAS mostly "Performance Anxiety" plus he was just not able to perform as much as I wanted him too. This was a great relief to me, as the other 2 (Loosing desire for me or his Test levels -was more devestating).

He would be honest and tell me "yep, I was thinking about IT"

With patience , I learned how to flirt in such a way to take his MIND off of his member & it always amazed me how this got us through the act -till the end. . Plus we spent time doing those exercises, it was FUN. It was something different. 

Hopefully, for one, he is not masterbating alone, as this will drain him & make it harder to be "ready" for you. First talk about that, then work on some flirting skills, tempting, teasing and try those exercises, you can google many "Sensate Focus" articles online.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Sounds like a mental block, more than anything. It happens. It's not you. 

Playing armchair psychologist on the Net is tricky, but how is his self-esteem? If you are soul-mates, maybe he thinks he doesn't deserve you for some reason. His mind shuts down the sex factory when you initiate because he has a trigger that tells him he doesn't deserve to have it so good. 

Could be way off base, but it is one thought that comes to mind that I haven't seen posted. 

If you think this might be the case, keep activity when you initiate on tasks he can accomplish without having to worry about whether the equipment is working.

Give him an unsolicited BJ and then just stop there. Alternatively, get him going and then tell him you'd like him to give you oral for extended time. You can build his confidence by communicating what you like when he's down there. 

In focusing on other fun activities rather than intercourse, you take the pressure off the act itself when you're initiating. Basically, you have to get him to dis-associate failure in the sack with your attempts to initiate. 

He's lucky to have you. I think you could have fun solving this problem.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

Any chance you could initiate sex in the morning? For a lot of us guys, we're a lot more "up to it" just after we wake up.


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## Calliope (Mar 17, 2011)

I know this might seem like a strange question but does he smoke cigarettes? I ask because when I was 16 and had my first boyfriend it took months before we could have sex because he couldn't stay standing at attention...*ahem* We could fool around everything would be great, and then when it came time for the big show... *ddrroooooooop* That went on for a long time and it wasn't until he cut back on his smoking where we were finally able to have sex. He was the first guy I slept with too so imagine how awful I felt? lol!

Good luck


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