# If a man lied about his number because it's low



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Let's say that your boyfriend or husband was embarrassed by the small number of partners that he has been with relative to other men and his age and decided to exaggerate the number of variety of his sexual experiences in order to make himself look like a more attractive mate who women have lusted after since he was a teen. Would you feel let down if he told you he lied after a while?

What if you (the woman) has had only one other partner in her life but this was a long and pretty intimate relationship. Would this make things worse?

I think I might have gotten myself into a pickle.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ntamph said:


> Let's say that your boyfriend or husband was embarrassed by the small number of partners that he has been with relative to other men and his age and decided to exaggerate the number of variety of his sexual experiences in order to make himself look like a more attractive mate who women have lusted after since he was a teen. Would you feel let down if he told you he lied after a while?
> 
> What if you (the woman) has had only one other partner in her life but this was a long and pretty intimate relationship. Would this make things worse?
> 
> I think I might have gotten myself into a pickle.


A lie is a lie is a lie.

Having said that, once I got over being lied to, I would rather appreciate the fact that my boyfriend and/or husband opted for quality over quantity. I would be upset to learn if he had actually more partners than he claimed initially.

It's the lying about it that is the problem. Not necessarily the content.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> I would rather appreciate the fact that my boyfriend and/or husband opted for quality over quantity.


What if it really wasn't a choice for him? He just wasn't very good with women.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Whilst I abhor lies, in this instance I would realize that he had lied to make himself more attractive to me (even though, I guess, the same could be said of people who lie in the opposite direction). I would be worried that he'd felt the need to lie to me, but I think this a lie that I could possibly forgive... Unless a man has been very promiscuous, I'm really not interested in his sexual history.

Best tell her Ntamph and get it out in the open.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ntamph said:


> Let's say that your boyfriend or husband was embarrassed by the small number of partners that he has been with relative to other men and his age and decided to exaggerate the number of variety of his sexual experiences in order to make himself look like a more attractive mate who women have lusted after since he was a teen. Would you feel let down if he told you he lied after a while?
> 
> What if you (the woman) has had only one other partner in her life but this was a long and pretty intimate relationship. Would this make things worse?
> 
> I think I might have gotten myself into a pickle.


My partner is one of those people who hasn't been with hardly anyone bc he's not very good at talking to women.He was straight with me when we talked about it. I was grateful for the honesty and his low number was really endearing to me.

I would feel really upset if he had made up some number to me. It would make me question his character and maturity if he had lied to me about something so petty like that and tried to be someone he wasn't. It would insult me that he didn't trust my character enough to tell me his real history. It would seriously make me reconsider the relationship bc I don't want to be with a man who puts on a front like that.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ntamph said:


> What if it really wasn't a choice for him? He just wasn't very good with women.


Then the follow-up questions would be - Why wasn't it a choice? Why wasn't he very good? Was it lack of experience or lack of effort? And, do you really think it makes a difference with your current relationship, assuming that everything is great with your current partner?

History is always in the past. All of us start with zero experience. At some point, and with the right partner, things just "click". Assuming all is well in your current relationship, why would your past be an issue (other than the "lie")?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I had sex with two women before my STBW and I was almost 40 when we met. I told her my number straight out because I'm not remotely embarassed by it. She also knows there were a few other women that I didn't go all the way with, but again not a big number. My low number has actually CAUSED some insecurities in her. The biggest being what if I wake up one day and decide I want to sow my wilds oats as it were. The counter to that is the fact that she knows I have had opportunity, some since we've been together and have had no interest. The other main insecurity is that she has seen some of my exes and knows they were very high quality in the looks department.

I think that regardless of sexual pasts be it high number, low number, or no number at all, there is going to have to be communication between partners to become comfortable with each other, and with pretty much every other aspect, it does no good to lie because the past always has a way of coming back. I'd rather deal with an honest past than the lies from covering it up.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> My partner is one of those people who hasn't been with hardly anyone bc he's not very good at talking to women.He was straight with me when we talked about it. I was grateful for the honesty and his low number was really endearing to me.
> 
> I would feel really upset if he had made up some number to me. It would make me question his character and maturity if he had lied to me about something so petty like that and tried to be someone he wasn't. It would insult me that he didn't trust my character enough to tell me his real history. It would seriously make me reconsider the relationship bc I don't want to be with a man who puts on a front like that.




Yeah. I don't feel good about it. I don't think she liked what I said either based on my reading of her reaction.

I said what I said because I know many women (from personal experience and that of friends) that would look down on a man with a low number. It's hard to get their comments out of my head about how they would react.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Other than for the fear of perhaps acquiring STD's, if the sexual partner lied on the "low side," what difference would it possibly make?
What rationale is there in knowing how many partners that a potential SO has had, other than for that? 

And if this same person lied, say on the "high side," would there really be any difference?*


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ntamph said:


> What if it really wasn't a choice for him? He just wasn't very good with women.


To me, a lie is a lie.
Saying " _I lied because _" to yourself or anyone else in order to justify your past action is really reverse rationalization.

A better approach is simply take responsibility for your actions and say "_ I'm sorry I lied._"


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

There isn't one person out there who wants to be lied to. 

And think of it this way - do you really want to be with a person that you feel you should lie to in order for them to like you? Don't you want to be with someone who simply accepts you as you are?

If you find yourself lying in order to win someone's approval, you're with the wrong person. Or (sorry) you're messed up to think that you have to lie in the first place - you didn't give her enough credit to be honest about who you are.

So, clear this up with her now so you don't have to keep pretending you're a different person.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Other than for the fear of perhaps acquiring STD's, if the sexual partner lied on the "low side," what difference would it possibly make?
> What rationale is there in knowing how many partners that a potential SO has had, other than for that?
> 
> And if this same person lied, say on the "high side," would there really be any difference?*


I do think partner count can give some insight into a persons general attitude towards sex, and what it means for that person. That can be useful information to know to help avoid a sexual mismatch.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

survivorwife said:


> A lie is a lie is a lie.
> 
> Having said that, once I got over being lied to, I would rather appreciate the fact that my boyfriend and/or husband opted for quality over quantity. I would be upset to learn if he had actually more partners than he claimed initially.
> 
> It's the lying about it that is the problem. Not necessarily the content.


that a lie!


in my opinion there are varying degrees of lies.


while honesty is mostly the best policy. I will conced that your a$$ looks great in those jeans and your meat loaf was the best I ever had. as more acceptable than no I dodn't suck his d!ck or were just fiends.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I would probably be a bit hurt and think he doesn't know me very well if he thinks that saying he had a higher number of partners made him more attractive to me


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> I would probably be a bit hurt and think he doesn't know me very well if he thinks that saying he had a higher number of partners made him more attractive to me


:iagree: But I think there are lots of men out there who think that it's somehow unmanly to have only a few notches on their bed posts, and they feel under pressure, perhaps, to conform... As a woman, it simply tells me that he was probably as discerning as me in who he shared his body with.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I lied by omission. When it came up I said I had only been with only a few women (true, but I never said that I never fvcked any of them). She was always open about her large number. When I finally told her and she finally believed me (took some convincing) she was fine with it. We still sometimes laugh about it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I wish I had never been with anyone besides dh. There would be no need to worry about HPV in the future. And let's not even go into the baggage!

Some guys are insecure in the beginning of a relationship, especially if they don't have much experience with girls. It doesn't have to mean he is a liar in general. Actually, the more comfortable he feels with you, the less likely lying should be.

And always be transparent with him. Model it.

Nobody is perfect. If that is his only sin, be grateful.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Is there anyone who hasn't lied about something?

I was horribly insecure about my experience when I was a teenager. I lied about it to everyone. First you lie to your buddies that you're not actually a virgin, then you lie to your girlfriends that you're more experienced than you are. For whatever reason I felt tremendous pressure to have sex... as though not having had it was some kind of statement on my worth. To my skewed thinking, no sex meant nobody wanted me... and admitting the truth meant admitting that.

Horribly depressing. Thank goodness we never have to be teenagers again.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ntamph said:


> ScarletBegonias said:
> 
> 
> > My partner is one of those people who hasn't been with hardly anyone bc he's not very good at talking to women.He was straight with me when we talked about it. I was grateful for the honesty and his low number was really endearing to me.
> ...


I'm trying to understand why a person would look down on a man who has low number. I would think that's better than ... I stick my d!ck in anything because I really don't have standards, so it really doesn't mean anything if I have sex with you.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Is there anyone who hasn't lied about something?
> 
> I was horribly insecure about my experience when I was a teenager. I lied about it to everyone. First you lie to your buddies that you're not actually a virgin, then you lie to your girlfriends that you're more experienced than you are. For whatever reason I felt tremendous pressure to have sex... as though not having had it was some kind of statement on my worth. To my skewed thinking, no sex meant nobody wanted me... and admitting the truth meant admitting that.
> 
> Horribly depressing. Thank goodness we never have to be teenagers again.


I had the opposite experience - tremendous pressure not to have sexandgetpregnant. It always was together just like that - sexandpregnant. 

Later, it was, when will you get marriedandhavekids? 

:rofl:


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I'm trying to understand why a person would look down on a man who has low number. I would think that's better than ... I stick my d!ck in anything because I really don't have standards, so it really doesn't mean anything if I have sex with you.


:iagree:. I don't think I've ever heard a woman discount a guy for not having much experience or be impressed by him because he has.

Maybe it's a guy thing?

For those rare specimens that women seem to be all over, it's not their high count that makes them attractive, but their looks, charisma, wealth, fame, or whatever else they've got going on.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I'm trying to understand why a person would look down on a man who has low number. I would think that's better than ...* I stick my d!ck in anything because I really don't have standards, so it really doesn't mean anything if I have sex with you.*
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I think this is a common difference between how some men and women think. A man is probably more likely to think that way about a woman with a high number...how am I special to her that she gives it up anyone, where as a woman might think he's had all those other women, yet he chooses to be with me.

This is obviously a generalization, but I think that there is some truth to it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Great reality check, DA8.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I wouldn't like it if a man exaggerated his number. It would make me wonder about other things he might have lied about. But I'd look at it in context of the whole relationship. Do I really like him? Do we have a great connection? Is this something I can get beyond? 



ntamph said:


> Yeah. I don't feel good about it. I don't think she liked what I said either based on my reading of her reaction.
> 
> I said what I said because I know many women (from personal experience and that of friends) that would look down on a man with a low number. It's hard to get their comments out of my head about how they would react.


So you told her your number was higher then you later confessed you lied and she didn't take it well? Is that what happened?


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I wouldn't like it if a man exaggerated his number. It would make me wonder about other things he might have lied about. But I'd look at it in context of the whole relationship. Do I really like him? Do we have a great connection? Is this something I can get beyond?
> 
> 
> 
> So you told her your number was higher then you later confessed you lied and she didn't take it well? Is that what happened?


I haven't told her yet. I think (not sure) that she was a little uneasy about what I told her. She might have found it hard to believe that I had gotten around that much. Of course, I didn't.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I haven't told her yet. I think (not sure) that she was a little uneasy about what I told her. She might have found it hard to believe that I had gotten around that much. Of course, I didn't.


So what kinds of numbers are we talking about here? You'd been with 2, and claimed 50? Or been with 2 and claimed 5? What is her comfort level?


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> So what kinds of numbers are we talking about here? You'd been with 2, and claimed 50? Or been with 2 and claimed 5? What is her comfort level?


I exaggerated.................by a lot............and I guess it was pretty stupid.

I think she sees me as a one woman kind of man and what I said made her uncomfortable.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ntamph said:


> I haven't told her yet. I think (not sure) that she was a little uneasy about what I told her. She might have found it hard to believe that I had gotten around that much. Of course, I didn't.


Tell her why you lied. If she balks, ask her if she ever lies, and why.

We all do it, and we all have a reason for it. The reason is the key part.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I think she sees me as a one woman kind of man and what I said made her uncomfortable.


Sounds like a guy with high numbers is a bit of a turn off for her.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

A man with high number of partners is good but low number is bad?

A woman with high number of partners is bad but low number is good?

Is this what people are saying? Seems twisted logic to me.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

always_alone said:


> :iagree:. I don't think I've ever heard a woman discount a guy for not having much experience or be impressed by him because he has.
> 
> Maybe it's a guy thing?
> 
> For those rare specimens that women seem to be all over, it's not their high count that makes them attractive, but their looks, charisma, wealth, fame, or whatever else they've got going on.


More anecdotal than evidence, but I remember reading a survey some time ago that showed women preferred a man to have a good amount of experience (though I don't recall what that amount was). The article reasoned that they didn't want to have to teach him the basics. They preferred the men to lead in the bedroom.

In the survey, virgin males were ranked lower than highly promiscuous males.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I think it's ridiculously ironic that I used to think I would be the one dealing with a partner telling me lies about her past but now the shoe is on the other foot. 

On the other hand, and I'll probably get flamed for this, her reaction has made me question her a bit. What if I was a man *****? Why should this change OUR relationship? I don't have a problem with her having a little girl and the deadbeat dad floating around somewhere (he'll probably come back into the picture if we get serious).


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> More anecdotal than evidence, but I remember reading a survey some time ago that showed women preferred a man to have a good amount of experience (though I don't recall what that amount was). The article reasoned that they didn't want to have to teach him the basics. They preferred the men to lead in the bedroom.
> 
> In the survey, virgin males were ranked lower than highly promiscuous males.


This is what I was thinking.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> More anecdotal than evidence, but I remember reading a survey some time ago that showed women preferred a man to have a good amount of experience (though I don't recall what that amount was). The article reasoned that they didn't want to have to teach him the basics. They preferred the men to lead in the bedroom.
> 
> In the survey, virgin males were ranked lower than highly promiscuous males.


I have a problem believing surveys. You can't even check if it's real it can really be anything the publisher wants it to be.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> always_alone said:
> 
> 
> > . I don't think I've ever heard a woman discount a guy for not having much experience or be impressed by him because he has.
> ...


What does experience mean? If I divorced today and started dating, I would have a low partner count. . because I've been married most of my adult life. Nobody is going to have to teach me the basics. This seems more applicable to someone in their early 20's.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I think it's ridiculously ironic that I used to think I would be the one dealing with a partner telling me lies about her past but now the shoe is on the other foot.
> 
> On the other hand, and I'll probably get flamed for this, her reaction has made me question her a bit. What if I was a man *****? Why should this change OUR relationship? I don't have a problem with her having a little girl and the deadbeat dad floating around somewhere (he'll probably come back into the picture if we get serious).


So you're blaming her for being uncomfortable with the false information you gave her? You are not going down a productive road here.

Why not tell her the truth and then have an honest discussion about each of your thoughts on sex and experience. It could bring you closer and banish these kinds of self-defeating, blame-shifting kinds of thoughts so you can actually enjoy the relationship you are in.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

norajane said:


> So you're blaming her for being uncomfortable with the false information you gave her? You are not going down a productive road here.
> 
> Why not tell her the truth and then have an honest discussion about each of your thoughts on sex and experience. It could bring you closer and banish these kinds of self-defeating, blame-shifting kinds of thoughts so you can actually enjoy the relationship you are in.


I'm blaming myself for not telling the truth to her and occasionally thinking that she might not be as open minded or accepting as I thought she was.

We will talk after work today because I don't want to do it over the phone. I will apologize and I think we can come to a better understanding of our relationship and hopefully strengthen it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I'm blaming myself for not telling the truth to her and occasionally thinking that she might not be as open minded or accepting as I thought she was.
> 
> We will talk after work today because I don't want to do it over the phone. I will apologize and I think we can come to a better understanding of our relationship and hopefully strengthen it.


I think it will bring you closer. That's what intimacy is - being honest and vulnerable with each other, understanding each other, accepting the other person as they are.

And if you do find out she's too intolerant for you, then you have a data point about the person she is. Use that to decide if you two are right for each other. But don't assume the worst right away before you even know what her discomfort was about.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

norajane said:


> I think it will bring you closer. That's what intimacy is - being honest and vulnerable with each other, understanding each other, accepting the other person as they are.
> 
> And if you do find out she's too intolerant for you, then you have a data point about the person she is. Use that to decide if you two are right for each other. But don't assume the worst right away before you even know what her discomfort was about.


I think what I told her was conflicting with who she had got to know in the past 2-3 months. She's right. I think we're both a little afraid of losing one another. I think that's perfectly healthy.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I think what I told her was conflicting with who she had got to know in the past 2-3 months. She's right. I think we're both a little afraid of losing one another. I think that's perfectly healthy.


So maybe her discomfort was more about being confused about you as a person - things not adding up in her head. Maybe she wondered if you were lying.

You don't know that she was uncomfortable about the false number itself.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> What does experience mean? If I divorced today and started dating, I would have a low partner count. . because I've been married most of my adult life. Nobody is going to have to teach me the basics. This seems more applicable to someone in their early 20's.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


No idea. Just relating what I read... take it with all the salt you like. 

I doubt the article was aimed at long term marrieds. I'm not sure why that audience would even have read it.

I'm not sure you're "count" even matters after having been married. In all likelihood a married person has had sex thousands of times, even if its all been with one person. On the other hand, a single partner might mean you haven't done all you might have... maybe wifey was good with vanilla and that's all you ever did. 

But when you're young, the "count" is often interpreted as "how sexually experienced are you" because its a given that relationships haven't lasted long... or at least that's how I perceived it to be interpreted.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I think you admit the truth from a position of vulnerability. ie... "I lied because I felt ashamed and you might have thought less of me for my inexperience. I was insecure. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> JustSomeGuyWho said:
> 
> 
> > What does experience mean? If I divorced today and started dating, I would have a low partner count. . because I've been married most of my adult life. Nobody is going to have to teach me the basics. This seems more applicable to someone in their early 20's.
> ...


Ha! Well, not in my crappy marriage. Maybe a couple hundred of times spread out over 21 years ... but yeah, your point is on target.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think you admit the truth from a position of vulnerability. ie... "I lied because I felt ashamed and you might have thought less of me for my inexperience. I was insecure. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."


:iagree: Personally,I'm a sucker for a man who shows emotional vulnerability.It plays on that teeny tiny soft side I have.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think you admit the truth from a position of vulnerability. ie... "I lied because I felt ashamed and you might have thought less of me for my inexperience. I was insecure. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."


:iagree:

If he uses this approach, IF I WERE HER, I would be more likely to get past the lie. 

ntamph, who knows ...if you two stay together a long time, this can even become some funny anecdote you talk about years later. My husband and I have things we laugh about now that we said to each other while in the dating phase.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think you admit the truth from a position of vulnerability. ie... "I lied because I felt ashamed and you might have thought less of me for my inexperience. I was insecure. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."


This is basically exactly what I'm going to tell her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ntamph said:


> Yeah. I don't feel good about it. I don't think she liked what I said either based on my reading of her reaction.
> 
> I said what I said because I know many women (from personal experience and that of friends) that would look down on a man with a low number. It's hard to get their comments out of my head about how they would react.



I tend to look down on men with high numbers, because I think it's trashy and doesn't gel with my value system. If he's banged everything in sight then how am I different? 
As for you having limited opportunities, who cares? If I liked you I wouldn't give a rats arse how appealing you were to others, I make my own decisions that way. In fact, if you played any games with me involving other women I'd dump you right there (i've done it before).
To me the biggest issue is whether you're confident and have your sh!t together right now. Lying would tell me you're not confident, and that's a turnoff. Never apologize for who you are.
Apologize to your gf right now with your head up and tell her that it was stupid, you'll never do it again, and this is who you are. Then take her out to dinner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think you admit the truth from a position of vulnerability. ie... "I lied because I felt ashamed and you might have thought less of me for my inexperience. I was insecure. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."


:iagree: This is exactly how the subject should be broached.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree: This is exactly how the subject should be broached.


I agree, and I like your signature.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Is there anyone who hasn't lied about something?
> 
> I was horribly insecure about my experience when I was a teenager. I lied about it to everyone. First you lie to your buddies that you're not actually a virgin, then you lie to your girlfriends that you're more experienced than you are. For whatever reason I felt tremendous pressure to have sex... as though not having had it was some kind of statement on my worth. To my skewed thinking, no sex meant nobody wanted me... and admitting the truth meant admitting that.
> 
> Horribly depressing. Thank goodness we never have to be teenagers again.



I think this depends on what crowd a guy hangs with....You obviously hung with all the hot air popular A-holes trying to one up each other....Imagine how many of them was lying too.....our sons see this bragging macho behavior in school, they hear it at the lunch tables next to them .... they laugh about it.. I hear them talking about the ridiculous things some of them say. 

..I just asked my husband here ...he said he didn't put himself out there, nobody wanted him , so he had no one to impress....he never associated his worth to banging women though, he didn't want just anyone, and he's said many times he had no interest in sleeping around- even if he could, that wasn't his thing. 

Our sons are probably kinda rare....they are pretty confident being inexperienced cause they place value in *the relationship*, with a girl they have something special with... not how many women they can place as notches on their belt...it's all in what is important to a person....I know they look upon themselves with confidence... just for how they conduct themselves. If the girl wanted to look down on that...she would NOT at all be his type anyway... and they are pretty darn particular. Nothing wrong with that. 

I think it's a shame men are judged like this....Sex is like instinct..so long as you have a decent sex drive, you enjoy closeness & pleasure, I don't see how all of this would not fall beautifully into place when you find Love with that special person.... even with no experience at all... it's just societies "Praising studs"...that does this.. We are all virgins at one point, it's best to learn where we can be vulnerable with someone we deeply trust...

Too much experience without any of that going on (the emotional , the vulnerable)... would be something to overcome in itself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Beautiful post, SA.

I bet your sons are great kids, and will be mature, responsible men.

My sister told me she had been with 70 men by the time she was 26 (she is 50 now). She never did overcome all of that, and she never married. She does not trust anyone.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> I lied by omission. When it came up I said I had only been with only a few women (true, but I never said that I never fvcked any of them). She was always open about her large number. When I finally told her and she finally believed me (took some convincing) she was fine with it. We still sometimes laugh about it.


As you know, same here. I also lied by omission. Why? Because I felt ashamed at my inexperience. Yes, I know that is stupid *shrugs* so shoot me. It was what I felt at the time and I can sort of understand where ntamph is coming from.



Coffee Amore said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If he uses this approach, IF I WERE HER, I would be more likely to get past the lie.
> 
> ntamph, who knows ...if you two stay together a long time, this can even become some funny anecdote you talk about years later. My husband and I have things we laugh about now that we said to each other while in the dating phase.


:iagree:

After I 'confessed' months or years later Mrs Wysh said she had guessed I was inexperienced as I was very fumbly and quick but didn't realise how inexperienced. But she had great fun with jokes about 'cherry' pie, 'cherry' cola, 'cherry' cake etc.
I wysh I had had the courage to mention it at the time as our first night was one of the most awesome nights of my life and yet Mrs Wysh can't remember it.

I don't know how experienced you are ntamph but Mrs Wysh feels that my inexperience is something special that is just for her, something special we both share.

I am sure that if you approach your girlfriend as advised she might be a bit cross that you 'lied' but feel sure that your confession will touch her heart.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I lied about it. Or more like let her imagination fill in the blanks. Since she’s known me since we were kids, she knew I dated a lot. She knew I’d been with a couple wilder girls, etc. She thought my number was high... I just never corrected her. At the time, it was better to have her think I was an object of desire than to know the sad truth.

The sad truth was I dated a lot because I was friend zoned by every girl and never made it past 3rd base with any of them. The reality was when it came to PIV; I had a ONS (my virginity), and one breakup pity sex. My wife (then girlfriend) was only my third time.... It wasn't a big deal when I finally told her. But by then we were fairly serious so it may have been something even better because she is the jealous sort and now knew there wasn't some girl out there who 'got away' that I'd be pining over or trying to remain friends with.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think this depends on what crowd a guy hangs with....You obviously hung with all the hot air popular A-holes trying to one up each other....Imagine how many of them was lying too.....our sons see this bragging macho behavior in school, they hear it at the lunch tables next to them .... they laugh about it.. I hear them talking about the ridiculous things some of them say.


Not even close. I was a bit social chameleon... fit in everywhere. But my primary social group were pretty much extremely intelligent underachieving potheads... nerds even? Geeks? Outcast rebel [email protected] trouble makers but nerdy? Hard to describe them. I was a hyper-achiever and had just gotten back from military school... but these were friends I'd known mostly since elementary school. I'd have a football game on Friday, hang out with people on the team after, then head over to my best friend's house late and stay the night; where the pothead group was smoking up, playing RPGs (a la D&D... dice, paper and all but not D&D), video games, building pipes/bongs or something destructive (potato guns, muriatic acid bombs, thermite etc). Like very destructive nerdy rebels. 

While that was my primary circle, I had several others, and they usually didn't cross. So my groups of friends were all segmented. In most groups I was mid-upper status... in this group I was high status.


Nobody was braggalicious... maybe one or two of the preps. Sexuality wasn't something talked about really other than gawking.

I only had a couple girlfriends and I didn't even ask them out, they were sort of accidental/coincidental. Honestly, I wasn't very attracted to them either. I dated them mostly because I didn't think anyone I liked was anywhere near interested in me. Plus, I lived on my own from 15 y/o onward and had zero money left over to spend on dates. Most of the time I didn't even have a car. I had nothing to give anyone but my time, and good luck holding a teenage girl's attention with that... especially when you're a serious introvert. Before I made a conscious effort to become an extrovert, literally the only girls I was with were the ones who fell in my lap. I never asked anyone out. When I tried to "hint" at it, I was very clearly friend zoned. I thought it was completely pathetic of me and at the time, inexplicable... "I'm way better looking than what I'm getting, and I'm talented at almost everything I put effort into... why can't I get the girl I want?" 

My mind just assumed everyone else was getting laid like bricks. In truth, some were, most weren't. I was literally the frustrated guy watching as all these dudes I thought were total @ssholes got ALL the girls I wanted. Inside, I wanted to blow up the school. The self-made pressure built up so much that I ended up making a pact with myself: if I was still a virgin when I turned 18, I was going to kill myself. Its bizarre thinking back on it because it makes no sense to me today. It wasn't an idle attention threat either... I told no one, had access to the gun I was going to do it with and had already attempted suicide when I was 16 with K (it didn't work, ended up in hospital and with a nice mental hospital vacay). I was more confident the gun would do the job.

I beat my "deadline" (a million clever puns but not clever enough to get a girl I wanted), by 4 months. And I swear females must smell something different about you because I went into a sl*tty torent after that and as soon as I could drink I was out and about honing my skills... becoming socially nimble, outgoing, quick witted... and then I ka-boom... my future (ex) wife fell in my lap without my doing a thing.

I can't say I wanted to sleep around. I wanted to lose my virginity yesterday, and then I wanted to get a girl *I* chose. Getting there was a pretty ugly process. Everything I'd ever been told about women was flat out wrong (at least, women that age... apparently the women giving me advice were giving advice on how to date a 40+ year old woman).

I had no male role models. I had an extremely negative view of men in general.

Looking back though, I was totally fine. I can see the interested ones in memory that I couldn't seem to see at the time. I see a billion chances that I wasted or was totally blind to. I ended up married young, yet still had plenty of partners and no further wanderlust. I don't understand what all the fuss in my head was about... or why I couldn't perceive the vastness of time.

Crazy huh? 

TL;DR; Teenage hormones... overachiever... living alone... suicidal depression... not a good mix. Turns out you can't even trust your own thoughts.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> *If I liked you I wouldn't give a rats arse how appealing you were to others, I make my own decisions that way. *In fact, if you played any games with me involving other women I'd dump you right there (i've done it before).
> To me the biggest issue is whether you're confident and have your sh!t together right now. Lying would tell me you're not confident, and that's a turnoff. Never apologize for who you are.
> Apologize to your gf right now with your head up and tell her that it was stupid, you'll never do it again, and this is who you are. Then take her out to dinner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

It went great!

I just was very upfront and told her I made a stupid mistake by letting other people's opinions determine how our relationship would be and asked for her forgiveness. I promised it wouldn't happen again.

She was relieved and said she was worried I might be some kind of player rolleyes. She said she's glad I'm a one woman man and that she understands why I said what I did (peer pressure). She said she believed my lie because I'm so focused on her in bed that I must have learned it somewhere but it's really from being so into her.

Big burden is now off my back.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just let her love you as you ARE, ntamph! Give her the chance to really be into YOU!

I know you won't make this kind of mistake again...but I'm just reinforcing it. 

You want someone who is into you for real. It appears you have that. Don't mess it up. xoxo


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think many men and women sometimes think that their numbers mismatch what their numbers "should" be, either higher or lower. Lying about sexual history is rampant.

Doesn't mean it's right but I agree that many women would find such an admission endearing. however, at the same time, I think many women would be uncomfortable with a man who has had fewer partners than they had and I do think women generally prefer men with experience and "success".

I suppose it also matters why you lied. If someone lied because they felt they had fewer partners than what they thought was "normal", that would be more easily forgiven than if you give a big number with the intent to impress that you are some kind of great ladies man.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *ntamph said:* *She was relieved and said she was worried I might be some kind of player (). She said she's glad I'm a one woman man*


 You would think most women would feel this way >> 

...Relish in how special what you found really is....it's on the rarer side. 

I'd be really upset if a man lied to me about this...Oh I'd forgive him after I beat him over the head







(exaggerating)...but we'd be having a long meaningful talk about what is important in life...and love. 

If a man lies about this..there are a couple things that would be playing on my mind...
*1)* He was insecure about who he was (Oh it happens)...I would find this on a lessor scale as my next thoughts....

*2)*...it MAY go deeper than just Insecurity (and I must admit I have gotten this feeling from some of your posts ntamph....It also could mean....he was deeply troubled/ envious *and feels cheated cause he didn't get to bang other women* ...and that would worry me A GREAT DEAL....this is a guy who feels he didn't get HIS...and he could carry that for a lifetime. 

The ones who didn't get laid...whether they had the choice/ chance or not...but still *LIKED who they were* and still found it very special to be with 1 woman....just may have had a hell of a time finding her...and can show her deeply who he is at the onset...that is a true treasure...

That even though his road was difficult , lonely, many let downs... in bringing him to HER....what he has found is so Good...so special...that it all is OK somehow, water under the bridge...or maybe you do feel this way NOW... I hope so. ....That's beautiful... 

But just knowing such a man was fantasizing being like those Playboys, lusting for *that lifestyle* / that opportunity -his wanting to compete with it/ be in THAT ballgame..... yes,* this would bother me*. 

That's just my rambling..



> *DvlsAdvc8 said*: *I beat my "deadline" (a million clever puns but not clever enough to get a girl I wanted), by 4 months. And I swear females must smell something different about you because I went into a sl*tty torent after that and as soon as I could drink I was out and about honing my skills... becoming socially nimble, outgoing, quick witted... and then I ka-boom... my future (ex) wife fell in my lap without my doing a thing.
> 
> I can't say I wanted to sleep around. I wanted to lose my virginity yesterday, and then I wanted to get a girl *I* chose. Getting there was a pretty ugly process. Everything I'd ever been told about women was flat out wrong (at least, women that age... apparently the women giving me advice were giving advice on how to date a 40+ year old woman).
> 
> ...


 Brave for you to share this.... I find it very  the mental anguish some men have over "getting laid" ...literally tying their self worth to this...your story shows an intensity I have never heard. 

You have a son, given your struggle here .... yet being able to look back...as you said..."I was totally fine".... what would your wisdom be for him -with the peer pressure, it almost sounds it wasn't peer pressure for you, just that ...you allowed this act to Consume your thinking/ what it represented...on a time table ... basically Life worth living/ wholeness/ Manhood......

And you say I put sex on a pedestal [email protected]#$% 

"Young man, if you want to be confident, win the girl of your dreams....GET LAID as much as possible, doesn't matter if you like the girl or not......learn Sex, Ooze Playboy...women can smell it ...only now will you have the chance to get the woman of your dreams".. 

Should a teen/ young 20 something see himself as less than a Mouse -just because a timeline passed where he hasn't gotten a woman in bed?? I am thinking you still feel this way.. but maybe I am wrong. 

I suppose a man has to do what a man has to do...I've said this a # of times on here...I can see where men are coming from very easily.. I just happen to have more respect for those who don't do casual sex... but really.... We can't even blame men for acting in this manner....when this IS what the majority of women seem to lift their dresses to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Would you feel let down if he told you he lied after a while?*


Probably. Cause he LIED. 

With that said, I guess I kind of get him wanting to come across as more macho BUT... lying is still weak.

*What if you (the woman) has had only one other partner in her life but this was a long and pretty intimate relationship. Would this make things worse?*


How? Why is that "worse" or better? I don't think it would make things "worse" if a woman was in a long relationship with the same guy. Why is that a bad thing? I really don't understand how that is evil or awful? :scratchhead:


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

My beautiful husband was a virgin when we met, at his age of 30. He didn't tell me this for a few weeks after we started dating, not because he was embarrassed but becasue he didn't think I'd stick around becasue it's so rare these days. He knew I was not a virgin, and I actually regret now that I wasn't...I would totally have waited if I knew he was going to be in my life. I didn't know I'd have someone so wonderful and worthwhile as my husband- I never thought I'd even get married! 
And no, i have never been worried about him running out to 'experience others' he is just not interested outside of us. I would have been really angry if he had told me he had slept with multiple partners then I later discovered that wasn't the case. There is no exscuse to lie about something like that IMO


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This is an interesting subject for sure. I think I am going to ask my STBW how she would have felt if I had told her a much higher number closer to hers.

I know a lot of men ARE this way, but the whole men need and want variety and worries about men with low partner count is just not true with all men. It has just become one of those things so ingrained in peoples minds that that is just how it is, that it is projected on all men.

Again, partner count also doesn't translate into experience. My STBW knew she was going to be my third partner when it happened, and she was honestly skeptical of my abilities. I quickly allayed any doubts and can tell from what we have experienced, not just her words, that I am by far the best she has ever been with. The thing is, while she has had 30 some men, and I have only had three women including her, I have had sex more times in more varied ways than she has, so her count is ten times mine, I have more experience.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I do think partner count can give some insight into a persons general attitude towards sex, and what it means for that person. That can be useful information to know to help avoid a sexual mismatch.


Gives no insight. A guy can have a low number for many reasons. Wanting sex every day and be the horniest guy in town.

Reasons:

He will not date two baggers. You know. The one's so ugly that you have to put a bag over your head to do her. Just in case the bag on her head falls off.

He will not date women that their haute couture is by Omar the Tent Maker.

The guy is like any guy wishing he good score a 8 to 10. Would feel he hit the mega ball to get a 7. Would not feel he settled if he got a 4, 5, or 6.

He does not get any because he has no game, average looks, no money.

There is an old saying: he could not get laid if he walked into a bar with a fist full of fifty's. 

Can't buy game.

Look at all of those guys on the tv show millionaire matchmaker.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

norajane said:


> I had the opposite experience - tremendous pressure not to have sexandgetpregnant. It always was together just like that - sexandpregnant.
> 
> Later, it was, when will you get marriedandhavekids?
> 
> :rofl:


ROTFALMAO. Though every parent follows this.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

A man with high number of partners is good but low number is bad?


*Women desire him. That is perceived as good. He had others before but he puts the One ahead of all the others.*


A woman with high number of partners is bad but low number is good?


*Women are the gate keepers to the reproduction. A low number indicates her responsibility to not let her fertility be compromised by disease and not let any loser knock her up. She is only giving it up to those that are deemed worthy of her is the implied message. *


Is this what people are saying? Seems twisted logic to me.


*Twisted because the feminazi's and leftwing nut jobs have brain washed you into believe that Equality under the law means that both sexes are equal.

They ignore the difference between the sexes an how evolution developed roles.

*


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> ..I just asked my husband here ...he said he didn't put himself out there, nobody wanted him , so he had no one to impress....he never associated his worth to banging women though, he didn't want just anyone, and he's said many times he had no interest in sleeping around- even if he could, that wasn't his thing.


Aesop's sour grapes story to me. Just another guy that walked into a bar with a fist full of fifty's and could not close the deal.

Guy's want to get laid. Even the ones that are not getting anything.

It is easier on the ego to convince themselves that they did not really try.

Confusing not trying with being scared manure-less to ask a girl out. If they did get a date to scared to move in for a goodnight kiss at her door.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

jld said:


> Beautiful post, SA.
> 
> I bet your sons are great kids, and will be mature, responsible men.
> 
> My sister told me she had been with 70 men by the time she was 26 (she is 50 now). She never did overcome all of that, and she never married. She does not trust anyone.


Not many guys willing to marry a girl with that high of a number. Was it a small town?


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## kittiebee (Jan 11, 2014)

really??

should you care about your new partners past experiences, you should care about if they were safe, your should care if they have they had the appropriate tests before being in a monogamous relationship but seriously.. 

please stop lying about your number... its not important, its irrelevant 

my husband to be and I have not even discussed this number...we know we had a history before each other we know that those experiences make us

give up on the number it doesn't matter


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

theroad said:


> Gives no insight. A guy can have a low number for many reasons. Wanting sex every day and be the horniest guy in town.
> 
> Reasons:
> 
> ...


But don't all those things actually tell a lot about the guy? I think they do. Add to that, a high partner count can indicate that the guy has a lower emotional threshold when it comes to sex, and for some women, that is extremely important.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

theroad said:


> Aesop's sour grapes story to me. Just another guy that walked into a bar with a fist full of fifty's and could not close the deal.
> 
> Guy's want to get laid. Even the ones that are not getting anything.
> 
> ...


I don't think SA's husband would necessarily fall into the pigeon hole you are trying to put him in. I am very similar to him in a lot of ways, and I certainly don't fit.

I have a low partner count, not because I couldn't, but because I was and still am extremely particular about where I stick my ****. When I was younger, the circles I was in were top shelf when it came to women, but there were reasons I wouldn't sleep with them, and I had plenty of opportunity both casualy and within relationships. I've had women break up with me because I wouldn't sleep with them.

As promised earlier, I did ask my STBW about what she would have felt about if I had drasticly inflated my partner count to her, then later told her the truth. Like most of the other women here, the low partner count would not have been an issue, but the lying would have been.

She has said that at first she really had a hard time believing that a guy had made it to 40 and only had a total of three including her, and she had an even harder time believing it once I actually got her in bed. As she has gotten to know me and my personality in non sexual aspects of things, she has seen that yeah, I really do have the kind of forthought and drive and desire in other things that it makes sense that I had only been with three women by choice and not lack of opportunity.

Her seeing that has really helped her know that she is indeed special to me, that she is not just another number.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

theroad said:


> *Twisted because the feminazi's and leftwing nut jobs have brain washed you into believe that Equality under the law means that both sexes are equal.
> 
> They ignore the difference between the sexes an how evolution developed roles.
> 
> *


Actually, it's twisted because the science absolutely does not support the man-fascist sexual fantasies and double standards.

Where they simply cannot see that equality means that men don't get to define women's sexuality for us.


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