# What I've Decided to Do - A Major Vent



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

If H is still contacting the OW, June 1, 2009 will be my Independence Day. I picked June 1 because our daughter will graduate from college in May and I do not want her sad because her dad and I are not together anymore.

I'm practicing 180 now and will continue. The H knows full well the boundary I have set, which is absolutely NC with the OW coworker. I have reminded him occasionally that I still feel this way and he angrily tells me he's not talking to her and to stop bringing it up. I tell him that I just want him to know and understand once again (in case he feels that he has pulled the wool over my eyes with his lies) that I do not plan to stay with a man who has a relationship with another woman.

After 22 years of marriage and 2 kids (ages 16 and 21), I've experienced a lot where relationships are concerned. I've never loved someone as much, and as hard as I have my husband and if this M doesnt last, will never love like this again.

I never realized my H could so openly and "look directly in my face" and lie like he has these months since D-Day (July 2008).

My New Year's resolution is to save as much money as I can and my June 1, I will be able to comfortably take over the household responsibilities and not be dependent on him.

He is in such a "fog". He does not believe he is doing anything wrong. He also thinks by getting angry when I bring up the OW will make me stop talking about. The only reason he gets angry is because he's still involved with her. If he wasnt, when I bring her up, he would just answer my questions.

I've learned my H is transparent. Since D-Day, his feelings about what I want him to do (NC with OW) has caused him to be depressed, frequently in a daydream state (which shows), caused him to be sneaky (which he is not real good at), and caused him to withdraw from me (which is obvious, hurtful and turning into a non-forgivable act).

This affair has been going on for probably 5 years or so and I know its hard for him to just walk a way. I'm giving him 6 months from now to leave this woman alone and any others he has been calling on his secret prepaid phone.

His "secret life" has to end by June 1. Every now and then I will mention to him how important it is that he has NC with OW and anyone else that he is keeping a secret from me.

By June 1, I'll be stronger, I'll be wiser, and I'll be so much better to deal with my future without my husband.

I'm praying to God to give me strength these months to come to curb my mouth, my snooping actions, and to improve my health, change some bad habits that I've been laxed on improving over the years (like losing weight and quit smoking).

I'm not going to bully my H into staying in the marriage. I'm not going to demand proof that he's being a good boy. He either is going to do right, or he's not. If he's not, we can't be together anymore.

I was sitting here thinking these things (I'm on vacation for the holidays). I'm a good person, very personable, loving, happy, helpful, generous and I'm not bad to look at. I deserve better.

During these 22 years, I've put up with a lot and did not complain, "go off", or criticize my husband. There were things I did not like in this marriage, but I did not want to hurt his feelings or make him feel less than a man, so I kept my feelings to myself and suffered quietly - well I'm not doing it anymore.

He claims he started the relationship because I stopped listening to him. Thats a lot of bull****. He started the relationship because he wanted to. I've never demanded to know his whereabouts and he never volunteered where he was going. I'm still not faulting myself for not asking. That man had 'free will' to come and go and he chose to go to another woman for extra ego boosting.

Being the Understanding Wife, I have had to deal with and accept:

1) He had prostate cancer surgery 2 years ago so I have to deal with little to no sex. Even though he is using his sex pills regularly and not on me.

2) He's been married before and now all these years later (child is now 30 yrs old), child support froze his bank account (thank God we had separate accounts!)

3) I make more money than he does and spent 22 years not throwing it in his face. I've always paid the lion's share of the bills and never complained. When big financial issues arise, I'm the one who took care of them. I even took on a second job because the financial end was stressing me and I didnt want to make him feel less than a man by bringing up to him that he needs to help more financially.

4) Lack of Affection Since D-Day. Since that awful confrontation, he doesn't kiss me with passion, holds me close, tells me he loves me. Occasional hand holding, quick pecks on the lips is all I've gotten since July 10, 2008. Its hurts really bad. I'm lonely with no physical contact and sad because I'm thinking he's giving her the contact I should be getting.

The lack of affection and little to no sex has helped me lose that "loving feeling" for him. The financial aspects has made me more aware of our finances and my plans for my children and I for the future.

As long as he's in contact with the OW, reconciliation will never be possible and since I know for a fact that he is still in contact, I'm preparing myself for my marriage ending by June 1, 2009.

I know this is long. I'm so glad I found this site. I could never talk to relatives or friends about this. I've written a few posts about different aspects of my situation and got some responses and a lot to think about.

I've done all I can do to keep my marriage together. I've prayed to God and I'm leaving it with Him. Whatever happens I will accept (eventual reconciliation or divorce).

I would love to hear what you think of my relationship, what do you think of my H, do you think we can get back to having a loving relationship (I've read everything in the Healing Library), do you think he really loves the OW? and if he does, what reasons is he still with me.

I heard this from someone: "Sometimes, things happen to you because God has something better for you."


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## mclovin (Nov 18, 2008)

I wish the best for you. I'm going through something similar, although my wife has only been having an emotional affair for the past 4 months or so. 

I agree with your last quote. It's amazing how the person that is doing all the wrong tries to pass the blame on you and make you feel that you are the problem. Cheating is a cowards approach. An honorable or respectful person would either come to you and talk about it and try to work things through or just be respectful enough to end one relationship before starting another.

I wish the best for you. Hang in there.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Very powerful. Now that you’ve set your boundaries and made your decision I believe moving on will be easier than you think. Continue to rely on your faith to guide and support you during the next few months. How do you plan to “validate” his involvement or lack there of with TOW?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Very powerful. Now that you’ve set your boundaries and made your decision I believe moving on will be easier than you think. Continue to rely on your faith to guide and support you during the next few months. How do you plan to “validate” his involvement or lack there of with TOW?


:iagree: and am curious how you will validate this as well?
Best of luck to you. It sounds like you have a good plan and I think we all feel better with some type of plan laid out.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Lasr60637 said:


> I would love to hear what you think of my relationship, what do you think of my H, do you think we can get back to having a loving relationship (I've read everything in the Healing Library), do you think he really loves the OW? and if he does, what reasons is he still with me.


I think you have set some fair boundaries within your marriage that deserve to be respected. I applaud you for realizing he may not get over TOW over night and giving him a very fair timeframe to come to grips with his emotions. 

For you, I think your current plan will give you time to rebuild. I am happy to hear you are able to reflect upon yourself and come to realize you are a great person. By June, you likely will either tire of his lack of affection and support or he will come to his senses and do right by you. In either case, I believe you are doing all you can to leave the door open for your marriage to reconcile and have clearly put your family first when making difficult choices.

I hope the best for you in 2009.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Very powerful. Now that you’ve set your boundaries and made your decision I believe moving on will be easier than you think. Continue to rely on your faith to guide and support you during the next few months. How do you plan to “validate” his involvement or lack there of with TOW?


I will check his 'secret' cell phone. He deletes all calls, but if you hit the send key twice, it will show the last number he either dialed or came in. Also, I will drive over to her house to see if his car is there. He will make a mistake. They always do. Especially months later. He will think I have gotten past this and he will let his guard down.

I don't know why they think we are stupid.


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