# TV is getting in the way



## italianchick (Jul 20, 2009)

I've been married for 4 yrs and we've been together for 12. My husband has always had a very annoying habit - falling asleep while watching TV. It upsets me because he uses the TV as a sleeping aid and therefore very very rarely comes to bed with me (even though I finally agreed to put a TV in the bedroom). Before our baby was born, we often made up "intimate time" in the mornings, but now with the baby waking us up early, this is impossible. I feel like he should make an effort to plan "date nights" with me, even if it just means forcing himself to get up off the couch (or even better, avoid turning the tube on at all) and just dedicate the evening to "us time". I have asked for this compromise over and over for years (even before the baby) and he has gotten angry with me for trying to "take away his relaxation time" or "take away his only hobby" (watching sports). I am desperate. I don't know what I can possibly do. I want so much to be right, and I want to change him, but I know these two things aren't possible. People say you can only change yourself, and you can only make choices for yourself. I can't see getting a divorce over this, but our closeness is seriously suffering.
I'm looking for ideas (other than "do it during the day" or "dress up in lingerie and stand in front of the TV" - these answers won't help). I'm looking for ideas on how to get him off the couch, especially from women who have gone through this. Also, ideas on how I can live with this for the rest of my life


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I like to fall asleep with the TV. My husband did not... now he likes it too. You can always get him some of those earplugs so his listening won't bother you.

If he likes to watch TV to relax, he is like millions other americans. You can always cuddle up to him while he is watching and watch with him.
There are far worse ways he could relax you know.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Don't worry *italianchick* what you are going through with the new baby not letting you be intimate in the mornings is normal and will pass. 
My Wife and I have a 2 1/2 yr old and have been married 3 1/2 years and had a similar problem in the beginning. Now we wait till the baby goes down, she makes it known as delicately, as subtly and without blowing the illusion of spontaneity, that she might want to be intimate and I know to go to the room.

Please note, that I am in no way any more enlightened than your husband, we actually had to have a whole conversations about this subject before we could reach this level of mutual understanding. Communication, a nice long talk, a calm meeting to exchange information pertaining to sleeping habits, with a crash coarse on "subtle hint interpretation" the for for dummies version since your husband "being a man" is used to communicating in direct fact based, unromantic manners.

Don't see his liking to fall asleep in the living room as anything to do with you at all. He simply likes to let the TV take away his stress or attention away long enough to find sleep.
You don't have the same need to use the TV as a lullaby, doesn't mean that he shouldn't.
You both end up in separate rooms because he doesn't like your OXYGEN network and you don't like the history channel or pro wrestling, doesn't mean that you both can't make a compromise and watch something together a few nights out of the week.

Hang in there, you'll figure it out. But talk about it with him first.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Sometimes my husband falls asleep in front of the tv, and that pretty much puts an end to any hopes I had of getting intimate. What if you ask him for 30 minutes (maybe more, but start with 30) after the baby goes to bed, have your together time doing whatever (sex? cuddling? talking?) and then afterwards, he can go watch tv. It's a compromise, I know.

Good luck!


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## smiley (Jul 15, 2009)

With a new baby and the stresses of married life, he may be feeling really overwhelmed, which is natural. He's probably using the tv as a way to cope and take a mini-vacation. 

On the flip side of that coin, BECAUSE you guys have a new baby, there is increased pressure and stress in your marriage. Now more than ever, it's so important to connect and focus on each other SOME of the time, without distractions. Down the road, your whole family will benefit from that example. My husband and I don't even acknowledge the kids at all until we've connected for a couple minutes when he gets home from work (barring blood or injuries) and the tv doesn't go on until after we've all talked over dinner about our days. This is a family policy that we both wanted our kids to grow up with. 

I suggest you tell him as calmly as possible (try showing that you understand the benefits that he gets from watching tv without attacking his character) that, as his partner, you do need some of his undivided attention at times. Thank him for all the things that he does right (there's gotta be some areas that you're not focusing on). Tell him if you will make regular dates to focus on each other, you think your marriage will really benefit from it. 

It could be any distraction- tv, drinking, friends, hobbies, etc... The point is there needs to be a balance with the priority on your marriage. He also needs to feel that this isn't a constant bone of contention and that he does have the freedom for that outlet sometimes, without pressure from you. Maybe you've tried to communicate this, but perhaps the approach has been one of anger? Ask yourself, are you the most pleasant wife to be around? Would you want to turn the tv off to spend time with you? Also, ask him what you can do to help and support him as you realize that this is probably a stressfull time for both of you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

italianchick said:


> he has gotten angry with me for trying to "take away his relaxation time" or "take away his only hobby" (watching sports).


when you are talking to him all he's hearing is that you dont care about him. that's the problem. 

this might be really hard for you, but give him some space. he jsut feels like you're attacking him right now. take care of your own happiness for awhile, find something you love to do, and back off. then once things have cooled off try and come at it from a different angle. 

i do know how you feel. my H is sitting playing his video games right now. its upsetting to me. i feel like he doesnt take interest in any of my hobbies. but i have to be careful with blanket statements like that. its a pitty party and isnt going to help me. 

so i found something i like to do. these forums are one of them. i am actually planning on talking to him about his lack of interest in 'us' but of course im going to try and use 'i feel...' statements, and possibly even thank him for other things he is doing before i start in with what he's not doing. and im going to try and say it in a positive way. i will also ask him if there's anything i can do. after that, its up to him and i wont nag him. i will tell him what is going to happen if he keeps it up and that is all i can do. sometimes you just have to let go, understand your H is not an object for your happiness, and realize you cant always have what you want.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

The thing about TV is: it's not like it was 20 or more years ago. 
You have options to get all these awesome cool channels like discovery, history channel, etc and it actually is educational as well as entertaining. 
I never cared for TV much until a few years ago, because of all the optional packages with the sattellite........... not only that, last year we got a HDTV and WOW !.. we were peeled to the TV set for about 6 months as the picture was better than real life.
TV these days is really something to behold, with so many channels and such good picture quality, so much to watch. Prior to 1990 Tv was just awful. There was nothing but stupid shows on TV.

A lot of men enjoy sports, that will not be possible to break him of watching his sports, but good luck trying !!!


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