# Child abuse or am I overreacting?



## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

My STBXH is a cheater (EA and possibly PA). He moved to his parents house 2 months ago. Earlier this month, He seemed determined to reconcile. I entertained the idea, but I found out that as he was texting me he loved me, missed me, and wanted us to be a family again, he was trying to hook up with online women. I confronted him this weekend. No remorse of course. Typical. 
Anyway, i brought my daughter there this weekend and chit chatted with my Inlaws. Then something unsettling happened.
As we were all sitting on the couch, my STBXH was tickling my daughter. Then he pulled down her pants and her underwear, squeeze her buttcheeks, showed her cheeks, and proceeded to bite them. She is 6 years-old. It left me with a very uneasy feeling, but his parents thought it was funny. He used to do that a lot when she was younger, even though I told him it was innappropriate. 
He has this thing about exposing her behind and making fun of it. Am I overreacting?
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No you are not over reacting. No one who is out of diapers should have to allow their rear end to be exposed like that. No way.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

ItWillHappen said:


> My STBXH is a cheater (EA and possibly PA). He moved to his parents house 2 months ago. Earlier this month, He seemed determined to reconcile. I entertained the idea, but I found out that as he was texting me he loved me, missed me, and wanted us to be a family again, he was trying to hook up with online women. I confronted him this weekend. No remorse of course. Typical.
> Anyway, i brought my daughter there this weekend and chit chatted with my Inlaws. Then something unsettling happened.
> As we were all sitting on the couch, my STBXH was tickling my daughter. *Then he pulled down her pants and her underwear, squeeze her buttcheeks, showed her cheeks, and proceeded to bite them. She is 6 years-old.* It left me with a very uneasy feeling, but his parents thought it was funny. He used to do that a lot when she was younger, even though I told him it was innappropriate.
> He has this thing about exposing her behind and making fun of it. Am I overreacting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not overacting. One of my relatives did that to me when I was young ( He also used his penis to play with my private area when I was a little kid, he only played it outside, but it was HORRIBLE).* It bothers me for a long time*. 

P/S: PLEASE STOP HIM IMMEDIATELY.


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

How do I stop him when he is going to be unsupervised with our daughter after the divorce?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

It is quite possible your inlaws saw nothing wrong with this, because that behavior was condoned in their house.
It is not appropriate! It is horrible.
I wish I could have an answer on how to stop this behavior.
Are you and ex husband on speaking terms? Maybe get a book that illustrates child abuse and give it to him
My heart goes out to you.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

well I would certainly bring these things up BEFORE any kind of custodial arrangement or visitation is decided.

Teaching a kid that their parts that are covered by a swimsuit are not to be looked at or shown to others.....is important


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you willing to talk to an agency like child protective services? I'd guess that custody won't be affected unless there's an "official" action taken. But talk to your lawyer. 

C
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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Call your local child services and ask them what they think and what actions you might need to take.

Sounds messed up to me.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

That is 110% inappropriate! I would call your local child protective services people to get their opinion and also speak to your lawyer. I would also have a private talk with your daughter about inappropriate touching and how no matter what she can come to you and tell you if someone is touching her in a way that makes her uncomfortable or in places that you deem as her mother as inappropriate. Tell your daughter that is anyone, including her dad, gpa, uncle, teacher, police officer, doctors, etc touches any of those areas that no matter what she must tell you and that she won't get into trouble.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Although this is entirely inappropriate behavior, I suggest you speak with your husband before bringing outside agencies in. I understand you're angry with him because of his infidelity. This is understandable.

I suggest you discuss this with him and let him know your position/boundary on the matter. You may not be husband and wife for much longer, but you will both be that child's parents. Give him a chance to correct his behavior now before you bring in allegations of abuse or outside agencies. I concur that you also speak to your daughter about inappropriate touching from anyone (male and females) is unacceptable.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The problem with talking to him about it is that he'll just hide it while she's around. 

C
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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Have your smart phone at the ready and take a picture (or video) next time he does it.


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

I ended up calling CPS who came actually a few hours later! After talking to me and my little one, although fully aware that it is inappropriate, they are not sure there is anything sexual behind it. 
They will go see him at his parents house in a couple of days to tell him to stop. 
I'm glad that they did not see any sign of hidden molestation. However, how do I deal with my STBXH now? In 2-3 days CPS is gonna come knock on his door. He's not going to react too well and I'm scared. If my gut feeling was really unfounded, then I just ruined my chances at a somewhat civil divorce. He and his dysfunctional family are going to be furious. I'm afraid of his reaction. I won't have the money to file for divorce for another 2 weeks. Until then he can still come and go as he pleases... I'm terrified.
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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

ItWillHappen said:


> I ended up calling CPS who came actually a few hours later! After talking to me and my little one, although fully aware that it is inappropriate, they are not sure there is anything sexual behind it.
> They will go see him at his parents house in a couple of days to tell him to stop.
> I'm glad that they did not see any sign of hidden molestation. However, how do I deal with my STBXH now? In 2-3 days CPS is gonna come knock on his door. He's not going to react too well and I'm scared. If my gut feeling was really unfounded, then I just ruined my chances at a somewhat civil divorce. He and his dysfunctional family are going to be furious. I'm afraid of his reaction. I won't have the money to file for divorce for another 2 weeks. Until then he can still come and go as he pleases... I'm terrified.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not saying what he did was ok...but how did CPS check for hidden molestation? Hoping that wasn't too invasive...that could be traumatizing in its own right.
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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Talk to your lawyer. You need to have this documented properly, and the lawyer can advise you how to do this.

I don't know that what he did was illegal or meets an official definition of sexual abuse. Maybe, maybe not. The issue is to first put him on notice that he cannot be doing this. CPS is going to make it really clear to him! The second issue is to get things documented so that if you believe it necessary, you can get a court to prohibit him from having unsupervised visits with her.

Don't play nice on this one. Things which are seemingly fairly minor to us adults can have devastating effects on young children. They do not have the perspective to understand what is going on. In addition, your husband is doing emotional damage with the ridicule or shaming he is giving her when he does this, totally separate from any possible sexual abuse aspects to what he is doing.


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

It's 6 in the morning. I got zero sleep. I skipped lunch and dinner, I really need to take care of myself but this is so stressful! They talked to my daughter for a long time, then in my presence they very quickly checked her arms, legs, and they had me pulled down her pj for about 3 seconds to see if she had any marks on her bottom (none).
Since I have not paid my retainer fee (don't have it yet), will the lawyer still answer my questions? I already had my free consult with him.
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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

What was your STBX's childhood like. Was he abused/molested?


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## ItWillHappen (Dec 2, 2013)

I don't think he was, but I remember him telling me about his father walking around in the house exposing his butt to "amuse" him and his friends. I know his mom was a victim of incest.
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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

I sure wish you had taken the advice offered here and not jumped the gun and called CPS. I am sure your husband did this before while you were married and it is not the first time you witnessed it? 

I can only suggest you call your STBXH and tell him to expect a visit. What is done cannot be undone.

Your in a very stressful time right now and should take things easy and always really think out anything you might do leading up to the divorce and custody of your little girl.

Am so sorry your going through this.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am of two minds on this.  Calling cps started a paper trail which is not a bad thing should your stb ex engage in molestation in the future. His actions were totally inappropriate, and that is coming from someone who is pretty laissez faire on the idea of nudity. He needed to know that these behaviors were wrong. Would he have accepted that from you? Probably not. But, yes, you have pretty much lost all chance at a civil divorce. Still, the most important thing is protecting your daughter. With his family's history, I do not have a lot of confidence in them.

Are you going for shared custody in the divorce?


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