# Confused by her actions



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I am a tad confused by my STBXWs actions or lack thereof - she is living with another guy in a place 1000 miles away from me and I want a divorce to move on with my life. I have not seen her in over 7 months and yet she will not sign divorce papers. In my jurisdiction you have to be separated 1 year before a divorce can be finalized unless there is an agreement or infidelity (which I would be forced to prove). Yet she won't sign the divorce papers. I know most would say she is cake-eating but there is no cake to be had. I'm gone and never to return and she is living with someone else why does she not just sign the papers? I'm confused.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Has she given you a reason?

Does she have any other form of contact with you?

Does she know you are gone and never to return?

Maybe, just maybe she is starting to find that the grass is not greener on the other side and is trying to retain a hook in you so she can attempt a reconciliation at some point. (Yes they can be that deluded)

Is there some kind of legal reason she is waiting? If she delays long enough she may get more share of the marriage 'pie'.

Is she just plain and simply enjoying tormenting you with this?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

It is a matter of control.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> In my jurisdiction you have to be separated 1 year before a divorce can be finalized unless there is an agreement or infidelity (which I would be forced to prove).


Have you got enough to prove it? Then you won't need to bother figuring oit what's in her head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Ask her one last time don't tell her what you will do . And if she does nothing , prove the infidelity and move on .
Every question has no answer and every problem has no solution . You must move on ,the why does not matter ,to move on matters


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Well they are living together - not hard to prove there isn't sex. Has not given me a reason - we do not communicate. But she is now startin to communicate through our kids - which I cannot stand. She knows me well enough that I would neer overcome this sense of betrayal she has done to me. No legal reason because I offered her everything just so I could get out of it. She might be enjoying tormenting me perhaps it is about control - I mean she was a real control freak. hhmm but could not control herself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's not signing because she doesn't care. What I mean is she's already got everything setup the way she wants it. Any effort she put into signing and returning the D papers is something she'd be doing for you. 

Is there anyway to not be nice to her? To give her a threat or a push to sign? For instance could you demand to change the agreement?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I am a tad confused by my STBXWs actions or lack thereof - she is living with another guy in a place 1000 miles away from me and I want a divorce to move on with my life. I have not seen her in over 7 months and yet she will not sign divorce papers. In my jurisdiction you have to be separated 1 year before a divorce can be finalized unless there is an agreement or infidelity (which I would be forced to prove). Yet she won't sign the divorce papers. I know most would say she is cake-eating but there is no cake to be had. I'm gone and never to return and she is living with someone else why does she not just sign the papers? I'm confused.


Hire a detective to get photographic prove of her cheating. 

It should be easy because you can tell the detective exactly where she is. It won't take long for him to then get photo proof.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I just reread your threads. 

Each step of the way your wife has called the shots and you've run along playing her game her way, hoping it would be better.

My advice - learn from this ordeal that nothing you've done - nothing - has made her treat you better than a sick dog that she's happy to kick with her foot to get out of her way.

Time to change the divorce terms - you need to file under adultery - and you need to take back all the concessions you made her.

You tried being generous to get her gone - but she refuses even to sign those papers. She basically has left your offer on the table and walked away. 

The right thing to do is pull back the rejected offer and make a new less attractive one.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

You offered her everything just so you could get out of it. And your are not out . Change that 50-50 split and prove the infidelity .
She comunicate through your son , she was the one that cheated , ....... Don't ask her ,don't talk to her , don't talk to her through your son . Just get over with it and move on.

I believe that you are still hoping that she will come back to you.Is it not better for you to forget her?


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Take "EVERYTHING" off the table seeing how it has got you nothing. Don't reward a cheater!!!


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

K it could be due to her not caring - I mean thats like her - but she was also like cut and dried when it came to decisions. In or out - but for some reason shes not doing this now - it would just be so easy for her to just move on but I guess for her it makes no difference. As for wanting her back - it could never happen - I am used to not having her now and would not go back to her even if I could. The betrayal would be with me for the rest of my days - easier to start over with someone new.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I guess the less attractive offer is the one to take.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> She's not signing because *she doesn't care*. What I mean is she's already got everything setup the way she wants it. Any effort she put into signing and returning the D papers is something she'd be doing for you.
> 
> Is there anyway to not be nice to her? To give her a threat or a push to sign? For instance could you demand to change the agreement?


She doesn't need a divorce to live a cheaters lifestyle. Since when did any cheater wait for a divorce to live their ways?

It'll pan out soon.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Tell her you need to finalize the D so you can marry your gf (she don't know any better). That'll put a bee in her bonnet.

Also get a gf.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> but she was also like cut and dried when it came to decisions. In or out - but for some reason shes not doing this now


Maybe she was before, but not any more. A cheater, by definition, does not choose in or out. Given the option, they'll live somewhere in between.


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## stormrugger (Oct 11, 2012)

I apologize for interupting but can anyone tell me how to post a new thread on this forum?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

stormrugger said:


> I apologize for interupting but can anyone tell me how to post a new thread on this forum?


 There is a 'New Thread' button on the top left corner of the Thread table.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Threaten to fight for assets if the divorce isn't finalized. 

On another note, it's just a piece of paper. You're now single and free. Start acting it even if "legally" you're still married. Just don't do major economic moves that your ex can get her claws in.


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

How long have you been married? Around here the magic number is 20 years then greater chance of full alimony for the spouse especially if she hasn't worked much while you have been married.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> K it could be due to her not caring - I mean thats like her - but she was also like cut and dried when it came to decisions. In or out - but for some reason shes not doing this now - it would just be so easy for her to just move on but I guess for her it makes no difference. *As for wanting her back - it could never happen - *I am used to not having her now and would not go back to her even if I could. The betrayal would be with me for the rest of my days - easier to start over with someone new.




Actually she know that this is not true for you, if she comes crying and asking for forgiveness and start giving you some sex you will put back your head into your .....

When she had enough excitement and fun with OM she wants to comeback to you for the safety of her marriage. so she is still not signing the D papers.

But I don't know why you are allowing her to have the control. Why didn't you asked her to sign or you will file for adultery? Why didn't you get the evidence needed to prove her adultery and file? Why you are allowing her to have everything when she is the one who destroyed the marriage? Are you still Mr.Nice Guy? or are you still in the belief that she will come back to you?

Stop crying that she is not signing the D papers, she wont simply because she dont care a sh!t about you.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

dymo said:


> Maybe she was before, but not any more. A cheater, by definition, does not choose in or out. Given the option, they'll live somewhere in between.


True - when we separated she said we'll "play it by ear" and later said "we'll see how it goes" and on and on.....fog talk...


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Threaten to fight for assets if the divorce isn't finalized.
> 
> On another note, it's just a piece of paper. You're now single and free. Start acting it even if "legally" you're still married. Just don't do major economic moves that your ex can get her claws in.


I believe she has no economic rights AFTER we separate so it does not matter much now - as far as piece of paper - I am okay with it but other women appear to be cautious as they want to know if I'm "legally" separated or legally "divorced" and I do not like the hold it has on my social life.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Son of Kong said:


> How long have you been married? Around here the magic number is 20 years then greater chance of full alimony for the spouse especially if she hasn't worked much while you have been married.


Married for 27 years.....yea but in Canada it is a 50-50 split no fault so let's just split and get on with our lives..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It might be out of a sense of not wanting to do something so final.

Someone I know has not bothered to get the Decree Absolute. I asked her why?

She said: "I honestly don't know. It just seems so final. I know my marriage is over but I can't bring myself to get the Decree Absolute."

Is it like when people do not want to write a will, even though they know they really should?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Actually she know that this is not true for you, if she comes crying and asking for forgiveness and start giving you some sex you will put back your head into your .....
> 
> When she had enough excitement and fun with OM she wants to comeback to you for the safety of her marriage. so she is still not signing the D papers.
> 
> ...


Not true about the sex part - I had that oppotunity at son's graduation and didn't go for it... I am funny once another man has entered where i have been I am through.
K - the adultery part - where I am from - I have to PROVE adultery and the level of proof is high and it would take a long time (and money) or else it is a one year wait to file for divorce. So I would just like to move on...I guess I'll have to wait.

I agree she doesn't give a crap about me....true..I guess I'll have to wait it out.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It might be out of a sense of not wanting to do something so final.
> 
> Someone I know has not bothered to get the Decree Absolute. I asked her why?
> 
> ...


Makes sense Matt - but in my mind that decree was signed the minute she chose to have an affair....I wish she just came back and apologized right away and we might have had a chance....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

See if your lawyer can cite abandonment and push the divorce through.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> See if your lawyer can cite abandonment and push the divorce through.


Thanks Bandit - you know I was lost before I found this forum and devastated - this forum and its people have been so supportive of what I've gone through - I am so appreciative of this site.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You know BT I remember how crushed you were when your wife left.

I also remember how angry you were at your sons graduation by the actions of your wife.

My two cents. Send your wife some consequences.

SPend a few bucks, get the proof that she is living with the OM.

File under adultery.

Take back control but also it sends a clear message to her.

*"F U !"*

I think that is clear enough.

HM64


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you letting her do what she wants ? push for the divorce


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I would think that living with another man would define infidelity legally. Ask your atty about this. If he/she agrees, then take control and get the divorce.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> You know BT I remember how crushed you were when your wife left.
> 
> I also remember how angry you were at your sons graduation by the actions of your wife.
> 
> ...


I was crushed - I was so blind-sided and literally spent nearly 1 month on the couch during the month - I am on my feet now and it is remarkable how resilient the human spirit is. Funny, she was posting crap all over facebook about her and her new boyfriend and now everything between them is down - most likely because she is afraid of the consequences of divorce. It is 50/50 no fault in Canada so it really doesnt matter. I mean if you have moved on - move on and leave me alone. We now live 1000 miles away from each other and I would have to file and prove things up there and cannot really bother - I might just file under adultery and let her prove otherwise. Once again, I appreciate all the support from here.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Is abandonment a cause in Canada?

Should be easy to prove if it is.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I do not believe so. Funny how relationships are easy to get into but incredibly hard to get out of. Always start out the same way - I would never hurt you like the last one.....but.....


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

She's doing this as a means of showing you she can still control your life. Document what is happening with the kids. If that negative, manipulative behavior continues with the kids - file to force supervised contact only. Don't let her start creating even more emotional drama for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Both are kids are grown and gone to university - she's 1,000 miles away - we have both moved on - makes no sense to keep hanging on like she has - I hope the POSOM she is with is treatng her like he treated his ex. I cannot believe how stupid these spouses are believing these AP about how awful we treat them and how good they would treat them - then when they get together - guess what? One of my friends called the other day and stated "your ex is having her own problems now". Duh - no kidding? What made her think he would be so much better? Such a doughhead-----


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> "your ex is having her own problems now"


I do believe she's having them for a while, only now they are more visible. Maybe that little "scene" at your sons' graduation was symptom of the grass not greaner syndrome mixed with testing the waters in case things kept going south on her end.
Who knows.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

BT128

My husband and I were married for 27 years before I was completely blindsided by his affair. 

When I filed for divorce he said "Why do we need to divorce? Why can't we just stay married until if and when one of us wants to get remarried? He even used the "You can stay on my health insurance plan" (which was free and with awesome coverage). Uh, Nope not interested! I filed citing adultery (which doesn't have to be proven in this State). He signed and it was done and over with in 3 months. 

I guess what I am saying is they want to keep their options open. My husband knew and I knew how much I loved him and that he could suck me back in when he was ready. That is exactly why I filed because I knew in my heart that after I divorced him there would be no going back. 

Funny the divorce was final a year last week. My ExH moved in with the OW the day I kicked him out. He was also posting on FB all the time about her. Now not a peep. My son told me last week that he thinks his Dad is sick of her already. 

Be strong and just take control. Don't waiver. Let her know that there is no chance of R and so she might as well just get it over with. 

It sucks even after the divorce but at least I am not in limbo anymore. You shouldn't have to be either.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I'm not familiar with Canadian law. Here in the USA, many states allow divorce, in the case of abandonment, by publishing "intent" in the newspaper legal notices or through some other process. It hard believe Canada doesn't have some similar provisions.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has your attorney given you any advice on how to get the divorce done?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Look at the original Poster dates. ZOMBIE Thread


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So BT I saw your wife has reached out to you by email & text.

What are you thinking now?

HM


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I believe she has no economic rights AFTER we separate so it does not matter much now - as far as piece of paper - I am okay with it but other *women appear to be cautious as they want to know if I'm "legally" separated or legally "divorced" and I do not like the hold it has on my social life.*


And that's exactly WHY your STBXW is doing what she's doing.

As been said. It's a form of control. A cake eating cheating woman who has a doormat for a husband has a REALLY hard time letting go of her toy. Believe me, I know. I was that guy many many years ago. My exwife STILL tries to control things in my life through the kids, and we've been divorced for over a decade. I have to knock her down every 3-4 months.

You need to take your "nice guy" hat off and start to fight. Change everything up. Take your offer off the table. Modify your divorce request to include infidelity. Hire a PI to take pictures of her current situation (which by the way IS cheating). Offer up what you had from the past for evidence. Go after EVERY asset, full custody etc. I'm assuming the kids are with you and she's shacked up 1000miles away....show that she's abandoned her kids and properties and TAKE them.

Stop screwing around hoping she'll be "nice". She won't be.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

You make sense Dad and Hubby - makes total sense! thanks for your advice...I see it is a matter of control NOT love---I keep thinking she loves me when she does this....it is control...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Unfortunately the word "nice" or "amicable" can't be applied to a marriage that collapses due to infidelity and disrespect.

Niceness (not timidity, but truly being nice) and being amicable has a component of respect of the other person. "I'm going to not fight, or sacrifice xyz, because they "deserve" it or me being cruel or combative would be wrong".

But respect is a funny thing. It's a 4 way highway (not a two way street). You need to respect yourself, the other person should respect themselves, those two components lead to being able to respect each other. If ANY of those lanes is shut down, respect in the relationship is lost.

She doesn't respect you, she wants to walk on you. EVERY one of her actions, even the ones that seems like she's being nice to you, is coming from a self serving drive on her part. She isn't divorcing you because it serves her benefits. I guarantee when she's been nice, it's been from a frame of mind of "you gotta throw the dog a bone every once in a while to keep him happy".


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ok.

Instead of an empty Christmas card send her the divorce papers wrapped up in a nice box with a big red bow.

What a nice way to start 2014 by taking back control eh BT?

Hope you are well my Canadian friend.

HM


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