# DH sexting w/another woman



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Last month I learned that DH had an emotional affair with a coworker, who has since moved and they no longer have any contact whatsoever. 

I also learned that after that EA ended, he started what I call a "no contact sexual affair".

This thread isn't to get suggestions and opinions on how to work through the affairs (ie 180, NC letters, etc)...we are working through those things already.

So, here is my issue. As far as I know, neither affair has been physical. However DH did some very sexual sexting and also had very sexual Facetime chats where she show him her breasts. They talked about what they'd like to do to each other, etc. This hurt me a great deal because he has never once tried to initiate those things with me, but he did with another woman. I'm trying to process this. I'd be totally open to trying this, but because he has gone elsewhere for it, I feel like I'd be competing and possibly compared to the OW. Not saying that's what he'd do, but it would be on my mind. I just can't handle the thought of doing these things after he's done with it someone else.

Is there a way I can get over this? I don't want to add it to our sex life only because he did this stuff with another woman. I'm afraid that if we started this stuff I would only be thinking about HER and how DH probably wrote similar things that would be be writing to me, his wife.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Sorry this happened to you. I would imagine that its not that your H is.aroused by sexting but rather that his phone was a 'safe way' of going down a dangerous path. Perhaps it was easier to justify in his mind and easier to keep a secret that way.

I would forget all about the means of his infidelity and focus on the reason he started down that road twice to begin with. If you wish to stay with him, that is. I think its human nature to place the blame on ourselves when something like this happens. I'm going to bet, though, that it has more to do with him than you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Then don't. 

Not sure why any woman would want to have sex with a man she doesn't trust in the first place..but to each his own.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Sorry this happened to you. I would imagine that its not that your H is.aroused by sexting but rather that his phone was a 'safe way' of going down a dangerous path. Perhaps it was easier to justify in his mind and easier to keep a secret that way.
> 
> I would forget all about the means of his infidelity and focus on the reason he started down that road twice to begin with. If you wish to stay with him, that is. I think its human nature to place the blame on ourselves when something like this happens. I'm going to bet, though, that it has more to do with him than you.


Thanks.

Yes, are definitely working through the infidelity aspects of this whole thing. I still can't believe this whole thing happened in the first place.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes. I have been there. I started to sext my H similar to what he had been with the OW to compete for his attention. 

It just made things more awkward. 

Just be yourself. You have nothing to prove and should not have to compete for his attention. 

After we reconciled things naturally resolved and we were comfortable behaving in this manner without the awkwardness. We did it because we wanted to, not because we felt obligated to.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yes said:


> Last month I learned that DH had an emotional affair with a coworker, who has since moved and they no longer have any contact whatsoever.
> 
> I also learned that after that EA ended, he started what I call a "no contact sexual affair".
> 
> ...



I feel for you <hugs>.


What your hubby did was wrong.


I'm impressed you are the better spouse and working through this with him.:smthumbup: But at the same time, don't be a doormat and take him back over and over again, after his sexting, EA's and probably PA's, that you don't know about. The worst one is the co-worker because the hubby or wifee sees them and even works with them every day and if they did the affair once, they will more than likely do it again, easier this time and be more discrete.


Now speaking as a man, from a man's perspective, here goes:


What did these other women do, that got his attention?


Did they dress a certain way? Do that for him.


Did they talk dirty and say things you normally never would? Do that with him.


Have the both of you gained weight? Not the same as when you were younger?


Find out what your hubby's sexual fantasies are, snoop, and surprise him. Things you normally wouldn't do?


Does your hubby like the woman to take the sexual initiative, be the aggressor? Or does he like a sexually passive woman and he is the aggressor?


Do you guys have a high adventurous sex life together?


Or is one of you low sex drive and the other high sex drive? Sexual mismatch?


One of you like fantasies and adventurous sex and the other vanilla only sex?


If I were you, I would find out what these other women did and do that with him. Use all this to your advantage.


Speaking for myself, the only reason I did EA's way back, and around when I first got married, was because my wifee is low sex drive vanilla and I'm sexually starved and she knows this but did pretty much nothing about it. I don't know your entire situation though.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> Yes. I have been there. I started to sext my H similar to what he had been with the OW to compete for his attention.
> 
> It just made things more awkward.
> 
> ...



Thanks. I know you are right, but in my own twisted mind I guess I am thinking that I don't want her to be the only to do that stuff with him. But we certainly don't need any more awkwardness right now. I know that I shouldn't feel like I have to prove or compete...I just FEEL like I do...insecurities and all that right now.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I feel for you <hugs>.
> 
> 
> What your hubby did was wrong.
> ...


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Yes said:


> Thanks. I know you are right, but in my own twisted mind I guess I am thinking that I don't want her to be the only to do that stuff with him. But we certainly don't need any more awkwardness right now. I know that I shouldn't feel like I have to prove or compete...I just FEEL like I do...insecurities and all that right now.


I still feel this way at times. I don't know that one can ever forget the pain and confusion an affair can cause. But what I do know is that in time this does start to dwindle and soon you should have more good days than bad. 

Just don't feel pressured to do things out of your comfort zone to try and win back your H's desire. You'd be disrespecting yourself and he may find that less appealing. 

Stand firm. Be confident. Know that you deserve respect, love and commitment from the man that you married.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Also it is important to know that you did nothing wrong. Your H should have came to you if he felt he was lacking something in your marriage. 

It may not even have been the sex acts he found appealing. It may have just been the attention he enjoyed. 

I suggest you ask why this appealed to him.


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