# Marriage is so difficult



## highroad (Oct 3, 2010)

I have been married for 7 years now and we have 2 great kids ages 4years and 6 months. It seems like my marriage is so one sided. I just recently left my job so I can stay home and take care of our children, which is a decision that my husband and I made together. I know my husband works hard for us and has a long commute but I also feel like I work hard at home too. Whenever my husband gets home he changes and goes outside to work on the house then he eats dinner with us and then goes downstairs to work on his computer for work. It seems like he is avoiding us. I have asked him about this and there is always an excuse like I have a lot to do for work right now or there are only so many weeks left that I can work outside. By the time he is done he is too tired for any of us. Although sometimes his friends will come help with work around the house and I make dinner for them too then after they are done eating they watch football while I clean up and get the kids to bed. I NEVER have time to do anything for myself. My husband says that I should just tell him when I want to do something but it seems like he always has a reason why that day isn't good for him to watch the kids. He also has started making wine with his friends and now it is the start of hunting season so we see him even less. Just yesterday my sister and her kids came over while he was working on the house. We went out with the kids and then ate lunch out--which doesn't happen very often. When I got home he was laying on the couch cause he was tired. I put my son in an exersaucer so I could make his bottle and get my daughter in her jammies. Meanwhile my son was screaming--right next to my husband. He didn't move to get him so I said do you hear him??? He yelled at me like I have never heard before about how he just sat down and how tired he was. Then my daughter wanted to lay with him and he yelled at her too. By that time everyone was crying. We went to bed mad and in the morning he said he was mad at me cause I am not nice to him. And he is mad that I wouldn't have even offered to bring something back from lunch for him--even though I did. And now he has left to go hunting all night so it looks like I will be making dinner and putting kids to bed by myself again. This kind of thing happens ALL the time. Does anyone have any advice for me? I am so tired of feeling like this.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

This is tough and sadly typical. Young kids are a challenge to any marriage. It sounds like you both are feeling the pressure. 

How to fix this: Marriage counseling, or at least, some honest negotiation of roles and expectations. You are wanting him to do things but are not explicitly asking for them. He is taking you for granted.

He doesn't see it right now, but this dynamic is going to lead to resentment in you, lack of sex, possibly depression, and then a bunch of other bad stuff.

I would have an honest discussion about how you don't feel valued, with the goal of negotiating SPECIFICALLY what tasks you will both take on so you can both feel like you get some alone time and time with the family.

The key is to be specific about actions, because he won't understand how to fix this if you just tell him your feelings.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I agree with 'seeking'... Your story sounds close to ours from the time our kids were young and more demanding.

For us, some specific things that worked (this is just to give you ideas, not that you should do these):
-I went to the gym at 8pm on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and didn't have to worry about coming home until 10ish (So I always got in a little girls night on one of those).
-I started taking the kids on Saturdays, him on Sundays - for about a 6 hour block. Anything goes for activities, but we generally tried to leave the house (so the other could sleep, watch football, just be a grownup!)
-We had to give up on the house being so well tended. We are messier now than we used to be.
-We divided up a few chores specifically, so we both knew what the other was doing. (I got groceries, laundry, etc. He mowed, vacuumed, etc.)
-started switching off with neighbors to get a DATE in e/o weekend. (We babysat for them interchangeably, too). ... Honestly, based on your post above, this sounds like what you need!.

The other thoughts I have on your post above...
It's possible your H is just feeling very responsible. The financial pressure may be mounting for him, as you don't bring in income. 

Meanwhile, you know every detail that happens with the kids, and he is missing all that. He's a bit jealous.

Finally, he may be leaving you to handle the kids all the time simply because you're good at it. He might feel like he's somehow inferior, and it's easier to do other useful stuff around the house.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There's just not going to be a fair distribution of childcare duties in your situation. You're a stay-at-home mom, so you are going to be primary. There still needs to be some reasonable, predictable "time off" for you, too. Counseling might help if you can get him to go. If you and he could agree on one day a week for your "alone" time and maybe a few hours a week for "you and husband" time. If he knows these hours are already taken, he could just adjust his other activities around them. Every employee needs a day off and that's something he should be able to relate to. Every couple needs "date" time together, too. His hunting buddies don't raise his kids. They won't be taking care of him when he can't take care of himself. At the end of his life, he won't be looking around for hunting buddies. He'll be looking for you. The day will soon come when he'll wish his daughter would spend time with him. We generally get out of a relationship about what we invest into it. A well maintained house won't mean much if it's up for sale due to a divorce or some other guy is living in it with your wife and kids. We all work on our relationships every day. We're either working to strengthen them or we're working to kill them. He needs to get his priorities straight.


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