# Please help! I feel like I'm losing my marriage and I have no one to talk to



## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

My husband, who I will refer to as Tom, and I have known each other since the 8th grade. We have been together for 6 years, and married for almost 3 years. During this time things were made difficult by my family, more specific, my mother. I have always had a strained relationship with her. Tom and his family have been the most wonderful people i have ever met. His grandmother gave us her house and Tom spent about 30 grand remodeling it for me and my 3 children (from a previous relationship). The first couple of years of Tom and my relationship was filled with a lot of fighting, if it wasn't my ex creating chaos, it was my mother. Before my relationship with Tom it wasn't abnormal for my mother and I to not speak to each other for a year or two, and at first I thought the main reason was because of my last relationship with the father of my children, he was controlling, violent and a drug and alcohol addict. I had to have a get away in place to be able to leave him (the song Love the Way You Lie by Eminem makes me nauseated because of how it describes that relationship). So when I had left that relationship I was really hopeful that I would be able to rebuild a relationship with my mother, and for my children to get to know their grandmother. When Tom was around it seemed like my mother was jealous. I would often hear snide remarks from her. I had kept hoping that she would eventually see how happy the kids and I were, and how much love was there. It only got worse and it was a reminder of why I couldn't have a relationship with her (to be short, growing up she had told me 'mommies don't hug and kiss their daughters, while watching her fawn over my brothers. Her husband at the time was abusive to my brother and I and I was molested by him for 7 years to which my mother blamed me for the end of her marriage to him). Her treatment of Tom and myself caused many fights between he and I, and while I wanted nothing to do with her, I felt horribly guilty keeping my children from her since my children had come to love their grandma. Tom's family has been nothing short of wonderful to my children and I. They accepted us into their family with no hesitations, my children even call them Grandma and Grandpa. So it is really hurtful not just to my husband but me that my family looks so down on my husband and my marriage. After my youngest son's birthday to which his family and mine attended, I was appalled at my mother's refusal to even acknowledge my husband's family and some hurtful things that she had said before leaving so I had decided that enough was enough. I chose to cut all contact and ties with her. For a couple of years it had stayed this way. I had gotten a text from her informing me about the declining health of my grandfather and while it was extremely uncomfortable, I had decided to put differences aside to be there for my grandparents. This decision made my husband upset, but I assured him that I wasn't doing this for her, but for my grandparents and that I wasn't going out of my way with her, I have no intention of reconciliation that would not only hurt me, but my children and husband. Last week I received a text from my brother asking me if I would be there for his graduation from the State Trooper Academy, my father, who I hadn't seen in 6-7 years would be there. At first I had declined because my mother was going to be there and I didn't want to be where my family wasn't wanted. My father had never met Tom but had always expressed interest in meeting him. My father told me to ask Tom to come, forget about my mother, Tom could sit with him and they could piss her off together. Since my father was only in town for that day, I almost felt a sense of urgency. I had desperately wanted my husband to meet someone from my family who would embrace him as his family has my children and I. So I talked about all of this with Tom, expressly stating that I would not be upset or disappointed if he decided that it wasn't a good idea, I would understand. To my surprise he said yes. The day of the graduation, I could tell that he was as anxious and nervous as I, if not more. But I had it planned that we would ignore my mother and take our seats next toy father when we arrived. ....it did not work out that way. I was told by my mother that we needed to be there by 8, so that's when we arrived. The ceremony didn't start until 10. And my father didn't show up until 10 minutes before the ceremony started. So we stood there for 2 hours while my mother took pictures, at one point, my brother asked for a picture with my children, myself and Tom. While taking the pictures, I noticed that my mother had the camera angled so as to cut out as much of Tom as possible. My brother's fiance asked me if we would be able to go to lunch with the family after, to which I had politely declined. I made up an excuse not wanting to air out dirty laundry per say, even though it appeared that my mother took no issue in doing so. During the ceremony my children wanted to sit with other family members who were around my mother and I reluctantly agreed because my children aren't around many of my family members often. After the ceremony I went to retrieve my children to leave and I was approached by my mother asking me to go to lunch with them. I again declined and again because I didn't want to make a scene told her the same thing. A family member asked if the children could stay, and I reluctantly agreed. My mother then told me to tell Tom that he could go, he doesn't need me, they would get me home. I bit my tongue hard to keep from saying anything, I instead left with my husband. The ride home was horrible. I felt so terrible because I had asked him to come with me and this was how he was treated. He was also, understandably, hurt by me. As he put it "if my family had treated you the way I was, I would have said something regardless of who was there". To hear that he felt like I didn't have his back was very hard to hear. I spent the rest of the day apologizing. The next day, things were going very well for us. We had spent most of the day together and laughing. While cuddling on our couch he had told me how lucky he felt to have me as his wife. Sunday night we had just finished watching GoT and I'm still not sure how it started, but we began fighting again. And again he had said how he felt like I didn't stand up for him. It quickly escalated into everything that has caused us to argue in the past. Jumping back to the past, when his grandmother gave us her house, I did not sign my name on the deed. I felt that it was inappropriate because I had nothing to offer than my love and devotion. During this fight he once again reminded me that this house is his. Not ours. Tom is on disability and receives SSDI. I work outside of the home. I have never rubbed in his face that I work and bring in more money because I think it's tacky and the only reason to say something like that is to hurt the other person and attempt to point out someone's place. However, I'm not given the same courtesy. What I bring in, I call OURS, and while I could never do something for him so grand as was done for my kids and I, it feels like nothing I do is enough, or compares. I'm not sure if he does this out of guilt or to truly be hurtful, but it breaks me nonetheless. How do I compare? How do I compete? How do I help him to understand that even though I can't give him something as grand as a house, I have never withheld from giving everything I had? That just because I didn't confront my mother in front of hundreds and other family doesn't mean that I didn't stand up for him after? I have no one else to talk to but him because I have become so isolated, I have lost interest in maintaining friendships outside of work because I truly love coming home to my husband and children, and my diagnosis of fibromyalgia has just made things all the more difficult for me.
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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Blossom Leigh

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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm in the same situation as your husband, and can completely relate to how he's feeling with regards to you not having his back. It's a very lonely place to be when your spouse won't defend you against their family.

If my family behaved the way yours did, I would have called them out on it right then and there. You should have too.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Thank you for responding and being honest. I just felt that it wasn't appropriate for me to do so at my brother's special event. I would say that next time I will do so, but after confronting her later on her treatment of my husband I have told her that I have no place for her in our lives and blocked everything I have from her. Phone number, email, social media, etc. 

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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Did his grandmother give him the house before or after you married? If after, it is likely the house is considered marital property. Just thought I'd toss that out there.

As for your family's treatment of your H, he's right. You should have said something right then and there. You could have given your family a polite, but firm, set down in a controlled voice. At that point, they have two options. Suck it up or start drama. If they would have started drama, all you would have had to do is say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way.", gather up the kids, grab your husbands hand, and walk away.

I understand you wanting some kind of relationship between your children and your family, but it is foolish to encourgae a relationship with the toxic members, even if one of those toxic people is their grandmother. First, you don't want the toxic example they set. Second, you don't want toxic people getting their hooks into your kids. Third, it is disrespectful to your husband...you know, the guy who is raising your kids and supports them, including giving them a decent place to live.

I thought my family was bad, but at least they're housebroke enough to be polite to my DH. Probably because I made it clear back when we first got togeher that any impoliteness would result in no further contact between them, me, and/or my kids.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Thank you so very much for your insight and advice. And you're absolutely right, I should have sucked it up and stood my ground and said something then and there. As far as the toxicity, it has never been put to me that way and thank you for doing so. 

His grandmother gave him the house before we got married, but I have always held the stance that should we divorce I wouldn't try to make any claim for the house. I don't feel that it's my place to do so even if it were an option. I think it should stay in his family. His mother gave me 2 pearl necklaces that belonged to her now deceased mother as well as her wedding band when we got married and I hold the same stance with those items as well. They should stay in his family. 
When we got married, our ceremony was very small. And I loved it for that. The only money spent for our wedding was on my $20 dollar wedding dress and the officiator, and the only ones in attendance were my children and his family. I had no guilt or remorse for not having my family there and I don't to this day. Which only confirms to me that my hanging on to them for the sake of my kids is actually me doing my children a disservice and in fact betraying my husband no matter how good my intentions were. 
Thank you again for your advice, it is appreciated more than you know.

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I thought my family was bad, but *at least they're housebroke* enough to be polite to my DH."

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your so-called mother is a real piece of work. She blamed you for her husband molesting you for 7 years. She needs to be locked up. Please don't let her be around your children. God only knows what damage she could do to them. If you haven't already, you may at some point want to seek therapy for what she put you through.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

LaceyW said:


> My husband, who I will refer to as Tom, and I have known each other since the 8th grade. We have been together for 6 years, and married for almost 3 years. During this time things were made difficult by my family, more specific, my mother. I have always had a strained relationship with her. Tom and his family have been the most wonderful people i have ever met. His grandmother gave us her house and Tom spent about 30 grand remodeling it for me and my 3 children (from a previous relationship). The first couple of years of Tom and my relationship was filled with a lot of fighting, if it wasn't my ex creating chaos, it was my mother. Before my relationship with Tom it wasn't abnormal for my mother and I to not speak to each other for a year or two, and at first I thought the main reason was because of my last relationship with the father of my children, he was controlling, violent and a drug and alcohol addict. I had to have a get away in place to be able to leave him (the song Love the Way You Lie by Eminem makes me nauseated because of how it describes that relationship). So when I had left that relationship I was really hopeful that I would be able to rebuild a relationship with my mother, and for my children to get to know their grandmother. When Tom was around it seemed like my mother was jealous. I would often hear snide remarks from her. I had kept hoping that she would eventually see how happy the kids and I were, and how much love was there. It only got worse and it was a reminder of why I couldn't have a relationship with her (to be short, growing up she had told me 'mommies don't hug and kiss their daughters, while watching her fawn over my brothers. Her husband at the time was abusive to my brother and I and I was molested by him for 7 years to which my mother blamed me for the end of her marriage to him). Her treatment of Tom and myself caused many fights between he and I, and while I wanted nothing to do with her, I felt horribly guilty keeping my children from her since my children had come to love their grandma. Tom's family has been nothing short of wonderful to my children and I. They accepted us into their family with no hesitations, my children even call them Grandma and Grandpa. So it is really hurtful not just to my husband but me that my family looks so down on my husband and my marriage. After my youngest son's birthday to which his family and mine attended, I was appalled at my mother's refusal to even acknowledge my husband's family and some hurtful things that she had said before leaving so I had decided that enough was enough. I chose to cut all contact and ties with her. For a couple of years it had stayed this way. I had gotten a text from her informing me about the declining health of my grandfather and while it was extremely uncomfortable, I had decided to put differences aside to be there for my grandparents. This decision made my husband upset, but I assured him that I wasn't doing this for her, but for my grandparents and that I wasn't going out of my way with her, I have no intention of reconciliation that would not only hurt me, but my children and husband. Last week I received a text from my brother asking me if I would be there for his graduation from the State Trooper Academy, my father, who I hadn't seen in 6-7 years would be there. At first I had declined because my mother was going to be there and I didn't want to be where my family wasn't wanted. My father had never met Tom but had always expressed interest in meeting him. My father told me to ask Tom to come, forget about my mother, Tom could sit with him and they could piss her off together. Since my father was only in town for that day, I almost felt a sense of urgency. I had desperately wanted my husband to meet someone from my family who would embrace him as his family has my children and I. So I talked about all of this with Tom, expressly stating that I would not be upset or disappointed if he decided that it wasn't a good idea, I would understand. To my surprise he said yes. The day of the graduation, I could tell that he was as anxious and nervous as I, if not more. But I had it planned that we would ignore my mother and take our seats next toy father when we arrived. ....it did not work out that way. I was told by my mother that we needed to be there by 8, so that's when we arrived. The ceremony didn't start until 10. And my father didn't show up until 10 minutes before the ceremony started. So we stood there for 2 hours while my mother took pictures, at one point, my brother asked for a picture with my children, myself and Tom. While taking the pictures, I noticed that my mother had the camera angled so as to cut out as much of Tom as possible. My brother's fiance asked me if we would be able to go to lunch with the family after, to which I had politely declined. I made up an excuse not wanting to air out dirty laundry per say, even though it appeared that my mother took no issue in doing so. During the ceremony my children wanted to sit with other family members who were around my mother and I reluctantly agreed because my children aren't around many of my family members often. After the ceremony I went to retrieve my children to leave and I was approached by my mother asking me to go to lunch with them. I again declined and again because I didn't want to make a scene told her the same thing. A family member asked if the children could stay, and I reluctantly agreed. My mother then told me to tell Tom that he could go, he doesn't need me, they would get me home. I bit my tongue hard to keep from saying anything, I instead left with my husband. The ride home was horrible. I felt so terrible because I had asked him to come with me and this was how he was treated. He was also, understandably, hurt by me. As he put it "if my family had treated you the way I was, I would have said something regardless of who was there". To hear that he felt like I didn't have his back was very hard to hear. I spent the rest of the day apologizing. The next day, things were going very well for us. We had spent most of the day together and laughing. While cuddling on our couch he had told me how lucky he felt to have me as his wife. Sunday night we had just finished watching GoT and I'm still not sure how it started, but we began fighting again. And again he had said how he felt like I didn't stand up for him. It quickly escalated into everything that has caused us to argue in the past. Jumping back to the past, when his grandmother gave us her house, I did not sign my name on the deed. I felt that it was inappropriate because I had nothing to offer than my love and devotion. During this fight he once again reminded me that this house is his. Not ours. Tom is on disability and receives SSDI. I work outside of the home. I have never rubbed in his face that I work and bring in more money because I think it's tacky and the only reason to say something like that is to hurt the other person and attempt to point out someone's place. However, I'm not given the same courtesy. What I bring in, I call OURS, and while I could never do something for him so grand as was done for my kids and I, it feels like nothing I do is enough, or compares. I'm not sure if he does this out of guilt or to truly be hurtful, but it breaks me nonetheless. How do I compare? How do I compete? How do I help him to understand that even though I can't give him something as grand as a house, I have never withheld from giving everything I had? That just because I didn't confront my mother in front of hundreds and other family doesn't mean that I didn't stand up for him after? I have no one else to talk to but him because I have become so isolated, I have lost interest in maintaining friendships outside of work because I truly love coming home to my husband and children, and my diagnosis of fibromyalgia has just made things all the more difficult for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





farsidejunky said:


> @Blossom Leigh
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Thanks, Far.... Goodness gracious you and I could be sisters. Trust me when I say I've walked in your shoes and STILL walk in your shoes, but also trust me when I say I am WAY further down the road from where you are mentally right now and can help steer you to the perspectives that will help TREMENDOUSLY with your situation. 

First things first... my signature link below has a list of resources on abusive relationships. Breaking free of these dynamics while saving your marriage is incredibly difficult and self education is a MUST. I want to give you the short list of the things that REALLY catapulted my own recovery from abusive relationships:

Books:
Emotional Blackmail
Boundaries
Betrayal Bonds
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
The big red book from Adult Children of Alcoholics
Navigating Narcissistic Predicaments
Toxic Parents
Codependency No More
The Bible without question was pivotal

Alternative sources:
Parelli Natural Horsemanship
My own abuse thread is a collection of things that helped

Websites:
Out of the FOG
Luke 17:3 ministries
Adult Children of Alcoholics
How to heal Abandonment Heartbreak & Self Sabotage - Susan Anderson

Your mother's selfishness is ruthless.... and I was glad to see that you indeed do see the need to protect your own family from her. That is the right mindset, now you just need to MASTER that role. I also recommend individual counseling with someone who specializes in trauma recovery, PTSD and domestic violence. Trust me when I say your reactions and feelings towards your husband are HEAVILY based on your history with your mother, more than you realize at this point and a group like Adult Children of Alcoholics and or Celebrate Recovery or Codependents Anonymous will help you sort through the different emotions and become strategic about them alongside your individual counseling. You have a LOT of work ahead of you and the first thing you could do to reassure your husband that you hear him is to tell him that you fully intend to endeavor into getting stronger and healing from your mother's damage. Don't hold him hostage to your past. Your recovery belongs on you and you need to pick it up and run with it. And DO NOT apologize to anyone for your choice to recover 

I'll be here cheering you on. :grin2:


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

LaceyW said:


> My husband, who I will refer to as Tom, and I have known each other since the 8th grade. We have been together for 6 years, and married for almost 3 years. During this time things were made difficult by my family, more specific, my mother. I have always had a strained relationship with her. Tom and his family have been the most wonderful people i have ever met. His grandmother gave us her house and Tom spent about 30 grand remodeling it for me and my 3 children (from a previous relationship). The first couple of years of Tom and my relationship was filled with a lot of fighting, if it wasn't my ex creating chaos, it was my mother. Before my relationship with Tom it wasn't abnormal for my mother and I to not speak to each other for a year or two, and at first I thought the main reason was because of my last relationship with the father of my children, he was controlling, violent and a drug and alcohol addict. I had to have a get away in place to be able to leave him (the song Love the Way You Lie by Eminem makes me nauseated because of how it describes that relationship). So when I had left that relationship I was really hopeful that I would be able to rebuild a relationship with my mother, and for my children to get to know their grandmother. When Tom was around it seemed like my mother was jealous. I would often hear snide remarks from her. I had kept hoping that she would eventually see how happy the kids and I were, and how much love was there. It only got worse and it was a reminder of why I couldn't have a relationship with her (to be short, growing up she had told me 'mommies don't hug and kiss their daughters, while watching her fawn over my brothers. Her husband at the time was abusive to my brother and I and I was molested by him for 7 years to which my mother blamed me for the end of her marriage to him). Her treatment of Tom and myself caused many fights between he and I, and while I wanted nothing to do with her, I felt horribly guilty keeping my children from her since my children had come to love their grandma. Tom's family has been nothing short of wonderful to my children and I. They accepted us into their family with no hesitations, my children even call them Grandma and Grandpa. So it is really hurtful not just to my husband but me that my family looks so down on my husband and my marriage. After my youngest son's birthday to which his family and mine attended, I was appalled at my mother's refusal to even acknowledge my husband's family and some hurtful things that she had said before leaving so I had decided that enough was enough. I chose to cut all contact and ties with her. For a couple of years it had stayed this way. I had gotten a text from her informing me about the declining health of my grandfather and while it was extremely uncomfortable, I had decided to put differences aside to be there for my grandparents. This decision made my husband upset, but I assured him that I wasn't doing this for her, but for my grandparents and that I wasn't going out of my way with her, I have no intention of reconciliation that would not only hurt me, but my children and husband. Last week I received a text from my brother asking me if I would be there for his graduation from the State Trooper Academy, my father, who I hadn't seen in 6-7 years would be there. At first I had declined because my mother was going to be there and I didn't want to be where my family wasn't wanted. My father had never met Tom but had always expressed interest in meeting him. My father told me to ask Tom to come, forget about my mother, Tom could sit with him and they could piss her off together. Since my father was only in town for that day, I almost felt a sense of urgency. I had desperately wanted my husband to meet someone from my family who would embrace him as his family has my children and I. So I talked about all of this with Tom, expressly stating that I would not be upset or disappointed if he decided that it wasn't a good idea, I would understand. To my surprise he said yes. The day of the graduation, I could tell that he was as anxious and nervous as I, if not more. But I had it planned that we would ignore my mother and take our seats next toy father when we arrived. ....it did not work out that way. I was told by my mother that we needed to be there by 8, so that's when we arrived. The ceremony didn't start until 10. And my father didn't show up until 10 minutes before the ceremony started. So we stood there for 2 hours while my mother took pictures, at one point, my brother asked for a picture with my children, myself and Tom. While taking the pictures, I noticed that my mother had the camera angled so as to cut out as much of Tom as possible. My brother's fiance asked me if we would be able to go to lunch with the family after, to which I had politely declined. I made up an excuse not wanting to air out dirty laundry per say, even though it appeared that my mother took no issue in doing so. During the ceremony my children wanted to sit with other family members who were around my mother and I reluctantly agreed because my children aren't around many of my family members often. After the ceremony I went to retrieve my children to leave and I was approached by my mother asking me to go to lunch with them. I again declined and again because I didn't want to make a scene told her the same thing. A family member asked if the children could stay, and I reluctantly agreed. My mother then told me to tell Tom that he could go, he doesn't need me, they would get me home. I bit my tongue hard to keep from saying anything, I instead left with my husband. The ride home was horrible. I felt so terrible because I had asked him to come with me and this was how he was treated. He was also, understandably, hurt by me. As he put it "if my family had treated you the way I was, I would have said something regardless of who was there". To hear that he felt like I didn't have his back was very hard to hear. I spent the rest of the day apologizing. The next day, things were going very well for us. We had spent most of the day together and laughing. While cuddling on our couch he had told me how lucky he felt to have me as his wife. Sunday night we had just finished watching GoT and I'm still not sure how it started, but we began fighting again. And again he had said how he felt like I didn't stand up for him. It quickly escalated into everything that has caused us to argue in the past. Jumping back to the past, when his grandmother gave us her house, I did not sign my name on the deed. I felt that it was inappropriate because I had nothing to offer than my love and devotion. During this fight he once again reminded me that this house is his. Not ours. Tom is on disability and receives SSDI. I work outside of the home. I have never rubbed in his face that I work and bring in more money because I think it's tacky and the only reason to say something like that is to hurt the other person and attempt to point out someone's place. However, I'm not given the same courtesy. What I bring in, I call OURS, and while I could never do something for him so grand as was done for my kids and I, it feels like nothing I do is enough, or compares. I'm not sure if he does this out of guilt or to truly be hurtful, but it breaks me nonetheless. How do I compare? How do I compete? How do I help him to understand that even though I can't give him something as grand as a house, I have never withheld from giving everything I had? That just because I didn't confront my mother in front of hundreds and other family doesn't mean that I didn't stand up for him after? I have no one else to talk to but him because I have become so isolated, I have lost interest in maintaining friendships outside of work because I truly love coming home to my husband and children, and my diagnosis of fibromyalgia has just made things all the more difficult for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would have cut my mother down no matter where we were if she were rude to my husband like that. Sadly, it's people like your mom who have no problems with being rude in from of others and towards others. Your mom needs to be taken down in front of others and set straight, in order to learn to clam up! I understand where your husband feels hurt in this case. How would you feel the shoe was on the other foot? That's what I always do...think about how I'd feel if it were happening to me. 

As for your H throwing it in your face that the house is his....I feel that's wrong. It may be because THAT is his only defense. Doesn't make it right, but that is all he has to fight with. 

Call a mandatory talk with your H and lay it all out. Tell him you don't want to fight but rather have a heart to heart of what each of you expect from each other. Being on the same page is key!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Blossom Leigh gives good advice. 

I'd only add to not be defensive when your H calls you out for not having his back. Acknowledge his feelings, let him know that's something you have to work on, but that it's not easy for you.

It's okay to be clear he 'owns' the house. It was given by his family. But it's not okay if he corrects you when you call it 'our home'. That is his insecurity showing. You need to let him know that when you call it 'our home' you do so as you feel supported by him and feel that you and the kids 'belong'. But when he corrects you, you feel alienated, like he is pushing you away.

Good luck, and you can do this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Will he go to therapy with you so you can air it all out?


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Acoa said:


> Blossom Leigh gives good advice.
> 
> I'd only add to not be defensive when your H calls you out for not having his back. Acknowledge his feelings, let him know that's something you have to work on, but that it's not easy for you.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, I talked to him in the past about how his always"reminding me" that the house is his makes me feel like an outsider. It's always put to me in a manner that he's done this for me and nothing I do or say can show my gratitude or repay him. But I see where he can feel that is his only defense. 

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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> Will he go to therapy with you so you can air it all out?


I have made numerous attempts at going to counseling together and it is usually met with him not wanting to let a stranger know about our lives, or it won't help and be a waste of money and, my personal favorite, he thinks the only reason I ask is because I think a counsellor would only prove me right when in fact he thinks they would only prove him right (confusing). In any case, I've explained to him that my suggesting therapy wasn't meant to seem like a weapon, but say that I am making worse by not acknowledging the full of affect of somethings? Don't you think it would be a good idea for someone on the outside looking in, who has no obligations to either of us, to tell me this and also give me the tools to do so? I think therapy would absolutely be beneficial. 

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I figured you'd say that. So I'll tell you what finally worked for me. After decades of trying to get my H to go, he finally agreed when I was so fed up I was getting ready to move out. Hooray, I thought - finally he'll 'learn' and change. Uh, no. He went, said all the right things, came home, and did nothing. Time after time. Angry, I chewed out the therapist, why couldn't you get him to change? She just said, what makes you think you can make anyone else change but yourself?

She was right. So instead of focusing on what was wrong with him, spinning wheels trying to make him something he didn't want to be, I changed focus to where it belonged - on myself. And *I* started changing what *I* did, how I reacted, I fixed my side of the street and no longer got caught up with what he was doing. 

I did what the therapist told me to do, and set up REAL boundaries and consequences for when he did something to hurt me or wouldn't see my side of something. And I let go of his responses. I suspect there's more to your problems than just this issue, so consider doing what I did. State your case, but don't stick around to argue your case. He's free to do and think what he wants, but you won't wrap yourself up in a pretzel to get his approval. And enforce consequences for boundaries overstepped. Respect yourself, and he will, too.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

LaceyW said:


> I have made numerous attempts at going to counseling together and it is usually met with him not wanting to let a stranger know about our lives, or it won't help and be a waste of money and, my personal favorite, he thinks the only reason I ask is because I think a counsellor would only prove me right when in fact he thinks they would only prove him right (confusing). In any case, I've explained to him that my suggesting therapy wasn't meant to seem like a weapon, but say that I am making worse by not acknowledging the full of affect of somethings? Don't you think it would be a good idea for someone on the outside looking in, who has no obligations to either of us, to tell me this and also give me the tools to do so? I think therapy would absolutely be beneficial.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


Individual counseling for six months for each of you and THEN joint marriage counseling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LaceyW said:


> My husband, who I will refer to as Tom, and I have known each other since the 8th grade.
> 
> We have been together for 6 years, and married for almost 3 years. During this time things were made difficult by my family, more specific, my mother.
> 
> ...


Exactly how evil is your mother?


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Your so-called mother is a real piece of work. She blamed you for her husband molesting you for 7 years. She needs to be locked up. Please don't let her be around your children. God only knows what damage she could do to them. If you haven't already, you may at some point want to seek therapy for what she put you through.


Funny you should mention that, when I was going through this on my own I sought help on my own, the first time I ended up in a mental house, which was actually very beneficial. I came out of there with some coping skills that I still use to this day. After that, since she always had some excuse for not liking whichever psychologist I was referred to, and also impeding the criminal investigation, I found a drug counselor from school who I felt very comfortable talking to about everything his words and advice have always been helpful to me. 
My mother didn't actually believe me until about 6 years ago when her XH had come to town and told my mother about allegations being made against him from other women while he was on duty (he was a firefighter/paramedic, he is also now deceased having died from colon cancer) apparently that's when my mother put 2 and 2 together and not surprising that his family had no idea why they divorced. They were told it was because I had met some boy long distance? Even if that were the case, I'm not sure why that would hold any standing as to why they divorced or why anyone bought it. 
I guess after having children of my own, I tried to look at it from a mother's perspective that as mother's we want to believe that we would never allow a monster to be near our children, much less fall in love with them and start a family with them, to add that she was a peace officer at that time, I guess it only adds to the feeling that you are supposed to put the bad guys away, not bring them into your home. But monsters like this are highly deceptive and manipulative, as well as charming. And I guess in my desperation to try to understand why a mother would essentially abandon her child when the child needed her the most is what has been blinding me to the fact that this woman has barely had the basic of instinct towards me as a child. I can't treat my children this way and it's unfathomable to do so.

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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You were the scape goat.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Good God Almighty, your mother didn't have a shred of decency. A police officer is sworn to protect the public - guess that doesn't include their own children. Not to mention she makes up the stupidest of stories. Imagination is not her strong suit. Write her off and be glad you can live a decent life.

Being the snot that I am, I would back her into a corner and demand that she explain why she offered you up to her husband and ask her why she thinks she has a right to even be in your life let alone your children's. Bare in mind that I don't have a problem with confrontation. Your mileage may vary. It's too bad that you couldn't confide in your father about that nightmare - he might have fixed the problem for you.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

It was my father who I confided in. He immediately put me on the phone with a suicide hotline while he contacted the police. It was my father who got the investigation going, took me to the detectives to give a video statement. Child Protective Services was also contacted and they removed my brother and I for a week maybe 2, I can't remember exactly since there was soo much going on. We were eventually sent back to my mother since they couldn't prove that she knew what was going on during her marriage. As you can imagine, it was made pretty difficult for my father to keep in touch with me after that. I remember wondering over the months why I had never heard back from the detectives as I was told would happen. After a couple of months had gone by, I was able to call my father when she wasn't around and was told that the detectives had been trying to reach me, and that my mother was intervening. I guess telling detectives that I wasn't there when in fact I was. As of today, after confronting my mother on recent events I let her know that she was no longer welcome in the lives of my children. And I sat down this morning to let my kids know as well. That was very difficult because I know they love her, but it has only made me the more angry especially consoling my daughter while she sobbed into her hands. I hope that one day they will understand, but my father and his girlfriend love and adore them and so does my H's family. I hope that they one day understand that I did this out of love and to protect them. 

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

After my stepmother did a heinous thing to us regarding our daughter, and my dad took her side, I cut them both out of our lives. Up to that point, my DD25 had spent half her life around them, stayed with them all the time, until she was about 6. Then they were gone, out of our lives. She doesn't even remember them.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Lacey

Your mother is awful, she has no conscience to blame you for the abuse. Someone mentioned NOT to let your children around her, I agree 100%. 

As far as your husband..... I see red flags with him. I hope I am so wrong....

How long have you two been married?
Why is he on SSDI?
How old is he?
What is his history?

I feel as if he is trying to keep you away from anyone but him... this is a method a lot of narcissistic personalities use...
Also, he said he home is his and his only....... big red flag.

You both need to go into counseling ASAP!

How are you dealing with the abuse? Most times, survivors of sexual abuse have poor boundaries or are (understandably) afraid to enforce those boundaries. We also tend to get involved in co-dependent dysfunctional relationships. 
I feel you have three battles to fight and overcome (so sorry) one with yourself, your mother, and your husband... I hope I am wrong...


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

We have been married for almost 3 years, he is 28 and he is on disability for stasis migranosis and JRA. 

I can see how it might seem as if he were trying to keep me away from everyone but him or his family, but I can promise that he doesn't. In fact, about 3-4 years ago we had gotten into an argument because I didn't really have many friends, please keep in mind that we've known each other since the 8th grade, and I was very social as a teenager. But there are 2 things that have happened to change me I guess is the way to put it. One, is when I became a mother I didn't realize just how much I would change, the world as I knew it came crashing down and my eyes were wide open. Being a mother has given me the opportunity to do things right by my children and essentially break the cycle that has been in my family. Two, I work as a Support Manager in retail, more specific, Walmart and the stories you hear on the internet are sadly true. When you are dealing with people and most of the time, not the brightest but the most entitled people for 11 hours a day.... I just don't care to people person. I've been asked by co-workers to go out and drink after work and I would just rather be home, curled up on the couch catching up on a show, reading a book and spending that time with my family. 

There have been a couple of times where I have to gone out and there was protest or backlash from my H each time, just him asking how everything went and encouraging me to go out more. 

My H is antisocial in a way, he is an only child and growing up he was sick often from the JRA. When he was a teenager, he was pretty social, did all the things normal teenage boys do. When he was 16 he took a part time job and when he turned 18 he followed his father into a career of fire protection. He was only able to work there for a year before the debilitating migraine hit. He was working on a building and in a harness about 30 stories up when he said it felt like someone hit him in the back of the head with a steel pipe. He went through round and round of testing, a gauntlet of medications to find something that would help. During this time period (this is a couple of years before he and I came together) he was so depressed and desperate for relief from the pain that a girlfriend at the time offered him cocaine and even crack. He actually tried them. He said the only that seemed to help was the cocaine, and immediately stopped when he had stolen his then girlfriend's credit card with the intent of buying more. 
Later down the line, doctors were giving him Vicodin for the pain since nothing else was working, and the Vicodin has actually helped to dull it. To help with the nausea and vomiting and to help him to sleep he would smoke marijuana. Now, before I go any further, his smoking was never an issue because it was always used in a responsible manner and always kept away and hidden from my children. I fully believe that my state should make marijuana legal medicinally. 
During the first 2 years of our relationship was a lot of stress, he had gotten 2 inguinal hernias i believe from remodeling the house and we had to fight doctors for 2 years to listen to him. We eventually had to go to a surgeon 3 hours away from home and beg him to do exploratory surgery. Because it had taken so long for him to receive treatment, he has since been dealing with gastric issues that sometimes resemble IBS, and we are currently having to fight doctors on this now because they won't go further than " increase your fiber, water (guys, this man carries a new jug of water with him daily, I've even witnessed him drinking from it in the shower!) and try laxatives". The issue he is having is mechanical, so imagine doing all of this, it's essentially like you have food poisoning minus the vomiting and you can't do anything about it but curl up in a ball and cry because the muscle or something is seemingly locked. 
Anyways, he has bouts of depression, who wouldn't?! He doesn't really like to leave the house unless it's late at night and when he does go out he has to wear welders glasses (I've got him a couple of pairs that look like sunglasses) because the light and even noise spins his migraine out of control. On our anniversaries, he has surprised me by taking me out to dinner, and every once in awhile he'll want to go check out a new store in the area and do something outside of the house. 
I think I mentioned before that I he stays home while I work. It's an arrangement that has never really bothered me, he's able to stay home and take care of the home front while I work and when I come home I help out with the household chores. I was raised that regardless of if you work or not, if you help contribute to the mess, you help to clean it up. He was raised differently, his father works outside of the home and his mother is a stay at home wife. He's never looked at me and said that I should be a stay at home wife (thank God! Because I'm horrible at it!) but where his biggest issue is and gotten better with time is that he's said that he doesn't feel like he's the husband or father he should be because he isn't working, in his words "I should be the one out there providing for my family". I found out that his father will often devalue my H's mother by telling her that she doesn't do anything since he works and she doesn't and everything else along those lines. I guess he had taken some of those words from his father and applied them to himself. It's taken quite a while to gain my H's trust that I wholeheartedly believe that just because he doesn't work doesn't make him any less of a man nor a bad husband or father. Being a stay at home is the hardest job, and often goes unrewarded. 

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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

My apologies, it appears that my phone autocorrected one of my sentences and has changed the tone of it. It was supposed to read "There have been a couple of times where I have gone out and there wasn't protest or backlash..."

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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Is he still taking opioids? That would result in bowel issues. 


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Acoa said:


> Is he still taking opioids? That would result in bowel issues.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He has started taking them again. But he had stopped for close to 2 years because one gastro refused to see him until he was off of the opioids. He did it in case they were right, and he was in a lot of pain and miserable during that time. And being off of the pain meds did not change anything. It reminded the same. We have tried COUNTLESS things. Diet, herbs, fluids, laxatives, softeners, pills, powders and nothing. There is no rhyme or reason to it. He will struggle for weeks and then something finally happens, and then it's back to the same old misery. I've received countless texts from him that were emotionally gut wrenching and heartbreaking, all I can do is be as supportive and understanding as I can. He never spends less than an hour and a half in the bathroom but mostly, he's in there for up to 6 hours. We've recently gone as far as replacing all toilets in the house to taller ones and there seems to be a slight relief. We also have this thing called the Squatty Potty. It's basically like a step stool that you place your feet on to bring your legs and knees higher up. 

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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

My brother suffered for years with Blockage. Finally a surgeon went in to take he's gallbladder out using a tec that used a thin cord with a cam. What should have been an hour tops turned into six hours due to scars and small tears in his bowel. He had great gold plated insurance yet spent close to twenty years not knowing what was really going on. 

Be a she wolf guarding your husband's back. Become strong dealing with your mother, she is toxic. How is your dad and your brother? I suggest in addition to therapy you make plain you where wrong to let the children be with her. Discuss who if any of your family be allowed around your family. To those that are allowed, make clear your mother is never to be where you are. 

Finally next time his dad demeans his mother or him, make clear to your husband you think his dad is being an ass.

Finally I think your husband is lashing out at you out of fear and feelings of worthlessness. Having said that - so what there is no free pass on this abuse or adultery. He either fixes it or you leave. Knowing the why is only the first step.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LaceyW said:


> Thank you so very much for your insight and advice. And you're absolutely right, I should have sucked it up and stood my ground and said something then and there. As far as the toxicity, it has never been put to me that way and thank you for doing so.
> 
> His grandmother gave him the house before we got married, but I have always held the stance that should we divorce I wouldn't try to make any claim for the house. I don't feel that it's my place to do so even if it were an option. I think it should stay in his family. His mother gave me 2 pearl necklaces that belonged to her now deceased mother as well as her wedding band when we got married and I hold the same stance with those items as well. They should stay in his family.
> When we got married, our ceremony was very small. And I loved it for that. The only money spent for our wedding was on my $20 dollar wedding dress and the officiator, and the only ones in attendance were my children and his family. I had no guilt or remorse for not having my family there and I don't to this day. Which only confirms to me that my hanging on to them for the sake of my kids is actually me doing my children a disservice and in fact betraying my husband no matter how good my intentions were.
> ...


You sound like a reasonable and fair and living woman.
I understand that you didn't want to make a ruckus at the event. However, it likely would have been best that when you saw your mother was manipulating you, telling you to be there 2 hours early, you should have smelled the bait and decided not to bite on it. You did.
However, it's over. Just don't let them screw up your relationship anymore, and give things a little time to see if your husband comes around to a better understanding.

Your mother blamed you for the molestation? What a sick woman. You're not wise to let your kids around your family. It's obvious to anyone that they are a black cloud. Don't let your kids or yourself get rained on again by them.

Btw, your husband shouldn't lord that house over you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Since posting on this forum, I have been reading through other threads and have actually been able to gain a lot of insight. After about 2 days of the emotional and angry arguing back and forth, we have been able to get to where we have been talking calmly. The advice here and looking through other threads has really helped to do that because I feel like I have found some tools to better communicate with him. It's made a world of a difference. I don't think either one of us have this connected emotionally and mentally for quite some time and it appears that my creating boundaries and then eventually blurring them was the disconnect. I'm not sure about what family I will allow around my children, because I'm not sure where they stand. That will take some time to figure out. 

My father and I have always maintained a somewhat distant relationship, be it by actual distance (we live 7 hours apart) or emotionally. He has his own demons and his childhood was much worse than mine that has led to his distrust of women. He's been working on it so hard throughout the years but even with the physical distance I feel closer to my father than I ever have. My brother, I'm not too sure. He doesn't really open up, but he is doing great it appears. He went into the Army Reserve to go to college, his unit was called up to go to the middle East and even though he didn't really see any action because he was stationed in Kuwait, he came back kind of angry, but he appears to be doing better since then. He graduated from college and just graduated from the academy and now he's a state trooper who begin his first assignment next month in a border town near Mexico. 
I'm glad you said that my H may be lording the house out of fear and worthlessness because it really opened my eyes and memory to everytime he would say that there was always something extremely stressful going on that would make him question himself in personal aspects. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely stand up for myself and I bite my tongue from stooping to his Father's level to say that the house may be his, but if it weren't for me, either he would have to sell it or have his parents help him financially since $800 a month from SSDI isn't nearly enough for all of the bills, even the property taxes. He knows all this. 

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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

A little update, this actually has me appalled and honestly I shouldn't even be surprised. 

I got an alert from Facebook that I was tagged in a new photo. I didn't really think too much of it because since my brother's graduation ceremony last week I had been getting tagged in quite a few from the event. 

Going back to last Friday, my brother's fiance asked that my family take a group photo with my brother and at first my H stood to the side, but my brother's fiance asked him to get in the picture as well. I was very happy that she did because in that moment my husband seemed a little happy. While she was directly in front of us taking the photo, I noticed my mother off to the side taking a picture as well, but I also noticed the angle at which she took it; to cut out as much of my H as possible. 

Back to this photo I was tagged in, my youngest brother posted a group photo with the caption "my mom asked me to put everyone somewhere" the photo is the one my brother's fiance took, I'm sure every photo she took was also sent to my mother (I'm sure my mother asked for every photo taken since it was a huge event). The photo looked pretty off, so I asked my younger brother in the comments if he could send me the original photo, he said my mom has it. Almost immediately after his reply my spam email received 6 additional photos from my mother, including the original that I asked for. I'm attaching both photos here. 

I realize that there's no question put to this rambling post. I guess I just feel like I needed to vent about it.










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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

.... or not. It said reply successful but I don't see the picture... :/ 
In any case, my mother photoshopped my H out of the picture and since she isn't exactly a pro, had my younger brother superimpose that photo to a background of the moon and the Eiffel tower.

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Pure class in every respect.

Other than the obvious taking your H from the picture, the photo shopping of Americans, at a purely American function, standing in front of the Eiffel Tower screams...well...just cheesy.

What a piece of work.



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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

... Stay away from your mother.... keep your brother....


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

We've been getting into it once a week every week since. It's always starts out being about something small and then he'll say something condescending or insulting. 

Today, it was about the oven. I had talked to my H last night about my plans for cleaning it since I'm the one who uses it majority of the time. It didn't seem fair to wait for him to say how bad the oven looked and then him cleaning it and straining his back since he has back issues and degenerative disc disease. In discussing this with him, he suggested using the spray bottle that came with the oven when purchased. And suggested looking at the owner's manual just in case because he hadn't looked at the cleaning/care chapter

Today I went into our filing cabinet and grabbed the owner's manual. There are 2 options provided in the owner's manual for cleaning it. One is called Easy Clean. You put warm water in the spray bottle provided and it's supposed to heat the water and when you pump the bottle it shoots steam. The second option is the self clean cycle. Either one, it suggests cleaning the door with warm soapy water and scrubbing it with a non abrasive pad. 

Before H went into the garage to assemble the exercise bike, I told him that I'm thinking of using the self clean cycle instead. I cleaned the door of the oven, while cleaning it, I was noticing the degree of the baked on food and grease and how difficult it was to clean and remove the grease and food splatters on the door. I was very doubtful that the spray/steam bottle would get the job done and was also concerned about the mess using it would possibly cause (the spray/backsplash of the soiled water ) so I thought using the self clean would be the best option and if need be, maybe the spray/steam bottle would be effective on whatever is left. 
I removed the oven racks and placed them on the backyard patio, removed everything from the storage drawer on the bottom and set the oven to 4-hour self clean.

I then ate a small lunch and was cleaning up when H came in from the garage. After he set up the bike in the house he came into the kitchen and asked how everything was going. I told him that it seems to be going okay, I explained to him that while I was cleaning the oven door which was pretty difficult, that I was also noticing how much baked on food and grease was in the oven and how thick it was in some places that I decided definitely to just use the self clean cycle instead. He then asked if the spray/steam bottle cleaned it out pretty good. Confused, because it seemed like he didn't hear me, I told him no and repeated what I had just explained. He sounded annoyed and asked why I didn't use the spray/steam bottle, so I explained why for the 3rd time. His response was "You can't say that it doesn't work if you didn't even [email protected]©€%π∆ try it!" Now I was irritated and frustrated. I didn't say that it didn't work. I told him to "listen to me, listen to what I am explaining to you". And I explained the same thing for the 4th time. Mind you, the way I explained in this comment is the exact same way that I explained it to him.

He got more aggravated, slammed his fist on the counter and asked "did you even read the instruction manual like I told you to?!" I told him yes, and pointed out the manual sitting on the counter, open to the cleaning/care page and reminded him that I showed that I had been reading it before he went into the garage. He said "so you didn't actually read it? You know what forget it, I'll read the da$# manual." I said okay and proceeded to put hot water and dish soap into a large bowl to clean the oven racks outside. I stepped out of the kitchen to check on the boys while he was reading the manual and while talking to them I heard him come up behind me into the hallway. After I talked to the boys, I turned around to walk back to the kitchen as he was walking into the bedroom. He stopped in the doorway and said "you didn't tell me that they were two separate cleaning options" I said "okay, I'm sorry I thought you knew, I thought I had explained that." Irritated and pushing hit head into the door frame, rubbing the corners of his eyes, he said " you should've told me that it was 2 different ways to clean the oven". So I repeated myself again. He then tells me "this is probably going to come back to bite me, but whatever, once the cycle is done don't touch the oven. I'll handle it, I don't want you to [email protected]#$ it up in some way." I was floored and insulted by this. To me, it's just another thing he thinks I'm too dumb to do. 

He'll tell me that he's feeling like he's the only one who's getting anything done around the house, so I agree and tell him that I could be more helpful when I'm off work, so I start making more effort. Doing the dishes more often, doing the laundry more often, helping to organize and everything. Since he is anal retentive, I often feel like I have to ask before starting a project in the house, ask if thinks it's worth it to vacuum today or just wait since there's going to be a lot of in and out. He'll tell me he's tired of having to ask for certain things to be done, so I get brave, venture out and do things only to hear if something wasn't done right to not worry about it, he'll take care of it himself, or its a waste of time, I'll just have to go behind you and do it all over again anyways and when I point all these requests of his out, he tells me "yea well, I didn't ask you to do it". 

I'm at a complete loss here. I feel like I can't do anything right, I feel like I can't say anything right. I'm tired of him treating me like I'm less than. I feel like I'm useless and worthless, I haven't been so unsure of myself and self esteem this low since I was a teenager. I'm tired of everything I do being criticized. 

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Boy, deja vu. You're married to my husband!

I'll tell you what NOT to do. Do NOT just listen to him and do nothing. That's what I did for 30 years and it nearly ruined me.

What TO do?
(1) see your girlfriends regularly, like once a month; if you don't have any, go out and MAKE some friends
(2) find a really good therapist and start going at least once a month; she will help you keep a grasp on reality and avoid letting HIS skewed reality become yours
(3) read at least one 'self help' book every month; arm yourself with information and learn how to counteract when he tries to bend reality
(4) start with reading about boundaries and consequences; you severely need to learn and incorporate this concept; I SO wish I'd known about it 35 years ago
(5) make sure that you make time for YOU to do things for yourself so you don't disappear; this is essential
(6) if you get along with your family, maintain those relationships and see them or contact them at least once a month; they love you and will help you remember to love yourself, too
(7) come up with a 'bill of rights' for yourself; this came from my therapist, and helped me learn to value myself and also helped me face my H when he was belittling me and see it for the bullsh&t that it was; a bill of rights is basically the main, core things that you feel you deserve as a human being - respect, attention, being listened to, etc.; write it out, keep it in your purse, read it at least once a week so it becomes part of you


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

@turnera what self help books would you recommend? 

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Something's wrong with your husband, emotionally and/or psychologically. How can a simple oven cleaning job turn into an argument with cussing and fist slamming on the counter? I don't get it. That's not even worth arguing about.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Something's wrong with your husband, emotionally and/or psychologically. How can a simple oven cleaning job turn into an argument with cussing and fist slamming on the counter? I don't get it. That's not even worth arguing about.


Thank you so much! I have been feeling like I've been losing my mind. My face is so swollen and red today from crying so much last night and I've been really depressed, anxious and emotional today. Fortunately, after he left for his doctor appointment this morning he has been at his parent's house. But everytime my phone rings today I almost go into a panic. I shouldn't be like this. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I can't take anymore belittling and criticism of every detail. I feel so demoralized and I don't like feeling this way. I go out of my way for him and his needs since he has some complicated health issues. I'm probably one of the most sympathetic and understanding people. I'm just tired of crying and feeling hurt and mind [email protected]#$ed

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

The emotional abuse and tearing you down have got to stop. You're neither stupid nor incompetent. The fact that you had to repeat your answer 4 times to him is disconcerting to me. A rational person wouldn't care or make a big deal about which cleaning method is used, so long as it gets the job done, and if one method fails, try the other method. There was no need for him to berate you like you're a child. It could be that whatever you said didn't register with him.

He needs professional therapy, and it would be very arrogant of him to dismiss it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LaceyW said:


> @turnera what self help books would you recommend?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


I would start with The Dance Of Anger, then Getting The Love You Want (just the first half), then Self Esteem Workbook, then His Needs Her Needs, then Love Busters, and then Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, which is for men but it's a good look at what a husband SHOULD be doing, so you can share what you learn from it.

After your last post, I'll add one more: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men.

Maybe read that one first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LaceyW said:


> I go out of my way for him and his needs since he has some complicated health issues.


btw, stop doing this. Unless he simply can't get out of bed, you shouldn't be doing all this crap for him if he is responding by abusing you.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

When was the last that you remember of where you belittled him or tore him down?


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> When was the last that you remember of where you belittled him or tore him down?


Last night, I lashed out in response to him. I feel bad for yelling at him and telling him that he was ungrateful and he needed to get over himself. I told him "[email protected]$# you" before I just went and locked myself in the bedroom. 

Generally speaking, I don't put him down, at least I don't think I do. He's a stay at home dad on disability, I've never once belittled him or told him that he needs to do more, I've never rubbed it in his face. I often come home from work either for lunch or the day and he tells me how he feels like he hasn't done anything, all he's done is play his video game all day. I mean, the house is in no way dirty, there's never more than one load of laundry to be done, he's always on top of it and if I can get to it before he does than I'll do the laundry or dishes. I never make a fuss about doing household cleaning, I live here too and contribute to the messes, therefore I should help clean. It's how I was raised. It's not fair to expect someone to take care of everything in the house just because I work 11 hours a day, 4 days a week. I'll get irritated with him when we make plans and I emphasize greatly that if he feels the plans are a bad idea then to say so, its no big deal only to be told the day of, minutes before we're supposed to head out the door that he really doesn't think it's a good idea. If it were done just a few times here and there, I would probably be annoyed the first instance for maybe 5 minutes and then I'd be over it. He usually explains why anyways, but when it's a constant thing, yes, I get irritated. 

I've never belittled him about playing video games, it's what he does as a hobby and to deflate. It's never got in the way of getting things done, or impeded anything. Sometimes I'll sit on the couch with him while he plays, otherwise I'll go into our bedroom and watch something. I can recall once that it was a point of contention and that was about 5 years ago. I felt like we weren't spending any time together face to face, so we compromised, one day out of the week we do something together, just for us even if it's just for an hour. 

What's weird is quite often when I come home he immediately tells me everything he did or got done, but it's said in a way that sounds like he's trying to tell me "See, I wasn't lazy not doing anything today". I've asked a few times if I've ever made him feel like he's lazy and have to do things everyday. And that if that's how I've been coming off in some way than I'm really sorry because it's not my intention. He always reassures me that it's not. So then what gives? Why the guilt? I'm not like his father is to my H's mother where I treat him like and tell him that I'm supporting him and it's his job to take care of the house. 

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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> I would start with The Dance Of Anger, then Getting The Love You Want (just the first half), then Self Esteem Workbook, then His Needs Her Needs, then Love Busters, and then Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, which is for men but it's a good look at what a husband SHOULD be doing, so you can share what you learn from it.
> 
> After your last post, I'll add one more: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men.
> 
> Maybe read that one first.


 @turnera 

Thank you so much. I downloaded the book "The 5 Languages of Love" and have already finished it. Right now I am writing in a journal I have called My Marriage Book and started making notes and lists like Dr. Gary Chapman suggested in the book. 

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

LaceyW said:


> Last night, I lashed out in response to him. I feel bad for yelling at him and telling him that he was ungrateful and he needed to get over himself. I told him "[email protected]$# you" before I just went and locked myself in the bedroom.
> 
> Generally speaking, I don't put him down, at least I don't think I do. He's a stay at home dad on disability, I've never once belittled him or told him that he needs to do more, I've never rubbed it in his face. I often come home from work either for lunch or the day and he tells me how he feels like he hasn't done anything, all he's done is play his video game all day. I mean, the house is in no way dirty, there's never more than one load of laundry to be done, he's always on top of it and if I can get to it before he does than I'll do the laundry or dishes. I never make a fuss about doing household cleaning, I live here too and contribute to the messes, therefore I should help clean. It's how I was raised. It's not fair to expect someone to take care of everything in the house just because I work 11 hours a day, 4 days a week. I'll get irritated with him when we make plans and I emphasize greatly that if he feels the plans are a bad idea then to say so, its no big deal only to be told the day of, minutes before we're supposed to head out the door that he really doesn't think it's a good idea. If it were done just a few times here and there, I would probably be annoyed the first instance for maybe 5 minutes and then I'd be over it. He usually explains why anyways, but when it's a constant thing, yes, I get irritated.
> 
> ...



He feels really inadequate about you being the wage earner.

Yes, I know he contributed the house (through his grandmother), and yes, he gets disability.

But still, you bring in most of the cash flow. I know it's 2016 and all, but most men don't like having their wives make more than them.

When you get home, and he immediately tells you what he's done all day---he's trying to justify his existence. For whatever reason, he feels insufficient. There's not much you can do about it, it's within him.

You're at work 4 days a week for 11 hour shifts. He's at home doing laundry, dishes, meal prep and playing video games. He notices the contrast and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

So, to inflate his own importance, he makes a routine oven cleaning into an international incident. The attempt to make you seem as dumb as a box of rocks, for the way you cleaned the oven; is just classic. "What would you do without me?", is the implication.

And, by wearing you down, he hopes to make you think that no-one else would want you.

Lacey, with your family of origin issues; it was very unlikely that you'd be able to "pick" life partners entirely successfully.

As already advised, counseling would be the only possibility for repairing this dynamic; if he'll go. Going is admitting that there is a problem. Sometimes, these types of people think that they walk on water.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

If he wants to bring in some income, suggest to him that he can start an eBay business or some type of online business. Buy and sell what he knows, like video games. He can browse eBay to study which games sell and which don't, and buy those stock, accordingly. He can order shipping supplies and print postage from home. How much income he brings in will be up to his work ethic. After he processes the orders, you can drop the boxes off at the Post Office. 

You and your hubby need to improve your communication skills. How often do you two have a sit down conversation where both are civil and calm, and he doesn't blow a fuse? Do you think it would be more beneficial to write down your thoughts and give it to him before you head off to work, so he can have time to digest the letter by himself at home? Unless he stops tearing you down, there will come a point when there won't be anything left to tear down. Everyone has their limit so this needs to be addressed fast.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> If he wants to bring in some income, suggest to him that he can start an eBay business or some type of online business. Buy and sell what he knows, like video games. He can browse eBay to study which games sell and which don't, and buy those stock, accordingly. He can order shipping supplies and print postage from home. How much income he brings in will be up to his work ethic. After he processes the orders, you can drop the boxes off at the Post Office.
> 
> You and your hubby need to improve your communication skills. How often do you two have a sit down conversation where both are civil and calm, and he doesn't blow a fuse? Do you think it would be more beneficial to write down your thoughts and give it to him before you head off to work, so he can have time to digest the letter by himself at home? Unless he stops tearing you down, there will come a point when there won't be anything left to tear down. Everyone has their limit so this needs to be addressed fast.


 @becareful2 

You have some very valid points and also very good suggestion about eBay. We have discussed before other ways for him to earn money since he's stated numerous times that the amount of money he makes makes him depressed, I know that not being able to work makes him depressed sometimes and it breaks my heart. I feel helpless for him. He's often talked about maybe getting a part time job, but he's scared about disability, he's heard some horror stories about the people and investigators from SSDI. I've been very supportive of him should he chose to get a part time job and also told him that it would be a great thing for him to try. I do. I think it would be very beneficial for him, it would get him out of the house and doing other things, it would get him socializing with people other than myself, my kids or his parents. 

In talking about the discussing of a part time job I feel like I should give a little information to give a clearer picture. He was diagnosed with Junior Rheumatoid Arthritis as a young child and often had to miss school only to return to belittling and essentially being called a liar about his illness because it's basically invisible to everyone. He is also allergic to anything grown under the sun basically, so when he was home he was either sick or couldn't play outside because he's allergic to Cedar and where we live, it's EVERYWHERE! He has a history of polyps growing in sinus cavity and has had laser procedures done to remove them. When he was 19 he was diagnosed with Stasis migranosis, this is where it was so debilitating that he had to relent and go onto SSDI. In 2010, he was having symptoms of such that was sounding like it was an inguinal hernia. It was so bad that it was causing him to be impacted. It took 2 years of fighting doctor after doctor, surgeon after surgeon who wouldn't look past him being impacted and dismissing it as constipation from the pain medication he takes, before finally after hearing about a surgeon in a town 2 hours away. We convinced him to do exploratory surgery and he found the hernia and repaired it, and also had to remove 2 lymph nodes. He was very emotional, depressed and anxious during this time. He ended up having another hernia on the opposite side, I can only assume is because of how much he was having to overcompensate with the first hernia. He was understandably very anxious and doubtful about getting care for the second hernia because of how much it took last time. Fortunately, the first doctor we went to immediately set him up for surgery with no problems. He is still having problems with going to the bathroom since all this, and can sometimes spend up to 7 hours in the bathroom. We would text back and forth, and some of the things he would say, like he feels like he's a prisoner of his own body and how frustrating it is for him would make me cry sometimes. It's indicative of IBS, but he's gone to the extremes and tried every diet, tried every pill and only made things worse. He seems to be responding now to what he's said is called a ketone diet, and it's worked longer than everything else. I'm just hopeful it keeps working. I've seen him get his hopes torn down too many times. 

I have noticed that when we sit down and talk, and it can be pretty regular, we can discuss and talk about anything... As long as it isn't about our relationship. He immediately gets defensive. It doesn't take much before he starts sighing out of annoyance or slamming his fist onto something. It then turns into condescending remarks and history rewrites, I'm talking in an even tone before I inevitably start raising my voice, which he hates and seems to just fuel him. When I feel like this isn't going to be resolved right now, its only going to escalate, I disengage and go into the bedroom. It could be anywhere from 10 minutes to 12 hours when he will come in and always ask "So are we going to keep fighting?" And when I respond with its not something I ever want to start, he always replies with "Well if you hadn't gone off like you did..." I can tell by his demeanor, tone and body language that he's not asking to talk and resolve, I feel like he's asking to see if I concede and that I was at fault. And when I see it cycling right back, I try to disengage again and explain why so he doesn't think I'm being disrespectful. He thinks it's disrespectful. If I'm not seeing this right, then please tell me. But when arguing turns to yelling and then screaming and you're no longer responding out of rational, but responding by emotion, if it's escalating, do you just keep going at it? Or do you separate yourself from the situation to calm down and readdress it when everyone is calm and had time to think things over and go over what just played out and what can be done differently? 

I think counseling would be a great idea. I have brought it up to my H a few times before, and he refuses. His excuses are, it's a waste of money and time, why would I want to tell a stranger what's going on, why can't you just stop yelling (mind you, I have been recording our conversations, finding a lot of exaggeration from him on my behavior) and my personal favorite - you're not going to like what they tell you, you're not going to like them telling you that I'm right. 

I've been to counselling before, I really enjoyed it and feel like I came out of it better. I was given tools to cope and deal with things, and was told if I was handling something wrong and given suggestions on what to do instead. I told him tonight that I would be going to marriage counseling and I was met with what I described above. So what? If the counselor tells me that I need to adjust a certain behavior of mine, or whatever, at least I will be learning how to do so. I really wish that I could upload some of our conversations because me describing is one sided no matter how honest I try to be. 

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you looked up toxic shame? It seems like he may have it. If you learn about it, it may help you navigate his pitfalls.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> Have you looked up toxic shame? It seems like he may have it. If you learn about it, it may help you navigate his pitfalls.


I haven't, but thank you for recommending it. I've been looking on the internet for everything that everyone has suggested and have downloaded or purchased almost all of it. 

I can't thank you guys enough for taking the time to listen (read?) through all of this and give me insight, advice and tools. 

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...41673-should-i-just-mind-my-own-business.html



^^^^Forget about this stuff at work for now; you've got enough on your own plate. Getting involved in other people's screw ups is not good for you, when you've got so much stress at home, and with your mom, extended family, and so forth.

Just some advice that made sense to me. No offense intended.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LaceyW said:


> His grandmother gave us her house and Tom spent about 30 grand remodeling it for me and my 3 children (from a previous relationship).


Honestly, this house is HIS investment (as he continually forces down your throat). While he may have made himself out to be your knight in shining armor remodeling it 'just for you and your kids,' make no mistake that the bottom line is that he was renovating HIS investment and it goes without saying that he'll get his money BACK from it.

As far as your mother, for what it's worth, you both know your mother is insane. That ain't news. You stopped talking to her because she's not right in the head. Again, that ain't news. Third, your husband has dealt with her acid tongue and verbal abuse, so it's not news to HIM that *that's *how she acts. But you weren't at the graduation to interact with your mother. Unfortunately, she was just part of the package of the family you DID go to see. You attained your goal, showed your brother your support, and the kids got to see their relatives that they don't get to see. 

Realistically, did you really EXPECT anything different from your mother? I would assume if you _did_ expect her to act normal, you wouldn't still be estranged from her. So it's obvious you were expecting her to act like the ass she always is - and she didn't let you down. 

What I'm trying to say is that she was an unfortunate PART of your day. But you both knew that going *IN*. You did your best to ignore her and not make any waves. Did your husband honestly expect you to call her out and give her the verbal beat-down of a lifetime like some Jerry Springer episode at a PUBLIC event in front of everyone and every family member you have? that was NOT the place.

The day wasn't ABOUT your husband. It was about your brother. And your mother did *exactly* what you both knew she'd do, so why is he throwing a childish tantrum about it?



> I spent the rest of the day apologizing.


I'm getting the feeling you spend A LOT of days doing this.



> During this fight he once again reminded me that this house is his.


I'd be curious to know who pays the property taxes on HIS house - would that be the government (SSI) or you?


> What I bring in, I call OURS, and while I could never do something for him so grand as was done for my kids and I, it feels like nothing.


What did he do that was so grand? You mean the renovation? The one he stands to GAIN from when he sells *his* house?


> How do I help him to understand that even though I can't give him something as grand as a house, I have never withheld from giving everything I had?


Gently, he didn't _give_ you a house. He's letting you live in it and help pay the taxes and maintenance on it (and you probably do all the cleaning in it, as well) while you work to support him. And he makes sure to shove that down your throat every chance he gets.



> That just because I didn't confront my mother in front of hundreds and other family doesn't mean that I didn't stand up for him after? I have no one else to talk to but him because I have become so isolated, I have lost interest in maintaining friendships outside of work because I truly love coming home to my husband and children, and my diagnosis of fibromyalgia has just made things all the more difficult for me.


Well, that's most unfortunate that you've chosen to make him the only center of your universe. Have you considered that you're co-dependent? You honestly sound like you spend all your time seeking his approval.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LaceyW said:


> ...but if it weren't for me, either he would have to sell it or have his parents help him financially since $800 a month from SSDI isn't nearly enough for all of the bills, even the property taxes. He knows all this.


Yeah, I kinda knew this before I even got to this post.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Just one last thought.

You sound like a really lovely, kind lady.

But after reading this thread, it sounds as though your entire life is dedicated to trying to please him. You can't work hard enough, you can't clean hard enough, you can't compliment him hard enough, you can't constantly apologize to him hard enough, you can't make him feel worthy hard enough and all you efforts are continually going into trying to fix this marriage.

All you do is give, give, give. And all he does is take.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'll tell you something personal. My H and I are WAY in debt. Like $135,000 in credit cards in debt. I've been laid off for a year + and I just can't float the bills any more. So I asked my CPA brother for help. He came over today to help me go through my bills, and he saw that my H still has $160,000 in 401k, so we can't do bankruptcy, even if we wanted to (we don't believe in it).

Anyway, my brother offered to give me half of the debt - around $70,000 to use for now to pay half the debt down this week, but only IF my H cashes out half of his 401k this week to pay the other half of the bills, and then take out the other half of the 401k next January (so as not to get hit too much this year in income taxes; my H is 61, so he's able to pull it all out now). And in January, when we pull out the other half from the 401k, we will give it to my brother. In other words, an interest free six month loan. And then, once we're debt free, all our income will go toward building up a huge savings account for our retirement.

Now, the issue is, for nearly 40 years, because I'm a conflict avoider, nearly all our decisions were made by him. I learned to just give up stating my piece, because he would railroad me if I spoke up and I'd always just let him do things his way. Now, at age 61, he firmly believes he's always right, although most of the time he's been wrong.

So just the thought of telling him that he would have to cash out his pride and joy - his 401k that's been handled by investment people who typically ONLY deal with 'important' (read: rich) people, made me start crying. Crying just thinking about the prospect of having to tell him that this is what I wanted and I would accept nothing less. In nearly 40 years, I have NEVER stood my ground like that. It makes me sick to think about talking to him. 

My brother told me that if I'm getting this upset and this scared about telling my HUSBAND what I want, that my H has been mentally abusing me. It's kind of been a gray area over the years, but there it is: it's making me sick to think about putting my foot down. Based on my H's previous actions whenever I've tried to state my piece.

I'm telling you all this so you can understand that there are all kinds of dysfunctional marriages out there, but the right response is to KNOW what's right for YOU, and hold firm to THAT.

If I would have just done that 30 years ago, my whole life would have been different.

Don't be like me.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@turnera

That took guts to share that.

And I'm so sorry you're in that spot. I sure hope you have some nice "stuff" to show for the debt. Amazingly, that's not always the case when folks have very high credit card debt.

Anyway your brother can be with you when you "confront" your husband? Or would that be a total clusterf*ck? I mean his presence would fortify you; and let your H know that this is for real. Plus, it's a man giving the opinion; sometimes that lends a lot of credence for certain guys.

And don't feel too bad about the debt; even though you didn't rack most of it up. I think you'd be amazed at how many people are in this type of situation, and how many people will have to delay retiring, if they retire at all.

Bless you.:|


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I had a husband who criticized and insulted me to the point where I was just a shell of myself. I did nothing around the house any more because he harassed me about every single thing, his way was the only way, so I just gave up. I divorced him and have never had a single moment of regret. 
@LaceyW, your marriage sounds like nothing but a clusterfvck of misery, from one end to the other. Why dont you just end it and find yourself and some happiness?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> Have you looked up toxic shame? It seems like he may have it. If you learn about it, it may help you navigate his pitfalls.


This.

Although you need to be prepared. Toxic shame takes tremendous patience to overcome, and can be polluted by your own toxic shame if you do not watch for it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he does turn out to have toxic shame, I recommend two books for you to read to learn how to deal with it. Healing The Shame That Binds You will show you how HE sees the world, so you can start to understand him better. TS people simply cannot believe they are valuable; they KNOW they're defective and they suck and they aren't worthy of doing what everyone else gets to do. It colors *every single aspect* of their lives.

Example: I wanted to take some clothes to a resale shop by my work. I drove around that shop three times before getting the courage to walk in and 'offer' my stuff and see if she would deign to let them be sold in her store. You know, cos MY stuff, being mine, is defective and less good than anyone else's. I finally got the courage to go in, and guess what? It was owned by one of those snooty rich b*tches who only wore 'the good stuff.' As expected, she looked down her nose at my stuff and only accepted three things out of 20. I slunk out of there, ashamed, my tail between my legs. It stung so badly that I could never get myself to go back in the store to collect whatever few dollars my clothes could have been sold for; worse, I suspected that NONE of it sold, as it didn't deserve to be in a store as important as hers, and I couldn't bear the thought of looking her in the face again. So I never went back.

That's the kind of thing that toxic shame does to a person. Totally skews their thinking. So his reality may be 100% different from your reality. And once you can figure out what his reality is, you can work with it.

The second book is Emotional Alchemy. It's a bit more scientific, about how our brains are wired, and how to 're-wire' our brains to cut out the dysfunctional choices that are hard-wired in our brains from our dysfunctional childhood. Like, if you learned to lie as a kid cos your mom was irrational and would beat you if you told the truth, guess what you'll continue to do as an adult? Lie. Because it's the 'path' that your brain used/chose over and over again as a child so it has turned into something of a superhighway in your brain. And we all know we like the superhighways over the farm roads, right?

So the book shows you how to rewire your thinking, now that you're an adult, and choose _better_. Not gonna lie, it's HARD work. But it can be done. That's one path to a better marriage. Or just personal happiness.


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## LaceyW (Jun 21, 2016)

Last night, when I got home from work I went straight into the bedroom. I stayed up writing notes in my notebook from the books I had been suggested. As soon as I turned the light off to go to sleep, he came bursting in the bedroom asking if I'd even looked at the oven. I told him no, not since I tried to clean it and he demanded that I look at it. So I climbed out of bed and went into the kitchen, he already had the oven door wide open. Apparently the self clean just baked the food splatters into the ceramic. The owner's manual didn't say anything about cleaning it first! I read and reread it before I even attempted to clean it. So of course, that justified him more. 

I grabbed the manuals and other information from the oven and went back into the bedroom to find out about getting ahold of the manufacturer. Once I sent them an email, I went into the living room and just sat on the couch in the dark. I sat there until 4 this morning while he complained about everything. Makeup powder from my makeup brush occasionally being left on the bathroom counter when I'm running late to work, things that he and I had been laughing pretty hard about, he actually had quite the issue with, etc. I felt sick to my stomach listening to this. I've felt sick to my stomach all day. 

Turnera, I am so sorry that you are going through all of the debt and the stomach churning of having to tell your husband the options. It resonates so so much with me. 

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LaceyW, this is abuse. You are married to an abuser. You need to start making an exit plan.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LaceyW said:


> Last night, when I got home from work I went straight into the bedroom. I stayed up writing notes in my notebook from the books I had been suggested. As soon as I turned the light off to go to sleep, he came bursting in the bedroom asking if I'd even looked at the oven. I told him no, not since I tried to clean it and he demanded that I look at it. So I climbed out of bed and went into the kitchen, he already had the oven door wide open. Apparently the self clean just baked the food splatters into the ceramic. The owner's manual didn't say anything about cleaning it first! I read and reread it before I even attempted to clean it. So of course, that justified him more.
> 
> I grabbed the manuals and other information from the oven and went back into the bedroom to find out about getting ahold of the manufacturer. Once I sent them an email, I went into the living room and just sat on the couch in the dark. I sat there until 4 this morning while he complained about everything. Makeup powder from my makeup brush occasionally being left on the bathroom counter when I'm running late to work, things that he and I had been laughing pretty hard about, he actually had quite the issue with, etc. I felt sick to my stomach listening to this. I've felt sick to my stomach all day.
> 
> ...


Lacey, this is abuse. I know, because I lived it. I remember all the nights, sitting alone in the dark, wondering how I screwed up so bad, why I was such a bad wife...until I finally went to therapy, who helped me see that he was manipulating me, abusing me, and suggested that I divorce. 

I get it. My DH is SO charming, he cares SO much about me...but the instant I don't do exactly what he says, the instant I doubt what he says, look out! 

Please don't stay with this man. I speak from experience. You need to marry someone who cares about you, would never hurt you, who wants to protect you instead of tearing you down. They are out there.

And there are millions of men out there just dying to find a good, faithful, loving woman.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@LaceyW, how are things going?


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

From my opinion, you should go for Couples therapist workshop. Couples workshop provides opportunity for you to understand relationship differently. You can improve your loving engagement, nagging issues. I am sure after attending the workshop, things will get far better with more understanding.


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