# Spinal Disc injury & Sex



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

So about 6 weeks ago I herniated/slipped/injured a spinal disc.

I rested for 2 weeks and slowly got back into work again. Things were looking good after 6 weeks. I had been sleeping on a harder mattress outside of the marital room to try and recover.

I must admit that the pain has put a huge damper on my sex drive. And since my wife never initiates this kinda has put an end to sex.

Yesterday I had a re injury. I had been feeling very good and about it all and had felt the worst was passed. I had hoped to move back into the marital bed soon.

I am very unhappy as my wife must do various things for me in our work and home life that she should not have to do. I am struggling with her perception of me. This is not easy. Will I ever be a true man again? will she respect me as a man? I am usually a very self sufficient guy. 

Will I be able to satisfy her in the bedroom? Our two sexual encounters after this injury have been very lacklustre. I could sense a distance that disturbed me. On top of these sh¡tty issues I find I orgasm far quicker than her since the injuries. I don't feel I satisfied her. This has all had a terrible impact on our relationship. or rather my perception of it. 

I am a little lost and rather insecure at present. I just want this to be over. Yet from what I read this will be a long hard tortious road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My heart goes out to you. Kinda facing something similar down the road with my H. So I'm really glad I came across this post.

Do you feel like, due to your injury, she is over taxed in her daily allotment of tasks? Do you have any other help for those things, or can either of you just let some things go for a time?

Since you're in two separate beds, there isn't even any incidental touching, which means you both have to go out of your way to initiate affectionate touching. Have you tried inviting her to sleep with you in the firmer bed? Just tell her you miss being next to her at night and want her to comes cuddle with you. Would she be okay with that?

I trust that you have put some extra effort into showing gratitude, being affectionate and flirty, asking her to come to you for a kiss and hug...

Also, since she doesn't initiate, she will be even less likely to initiate now because how can she predict your level of pain? Depending on how well you can move about, you may have to get a tad "directive" during sex in order to meet both of your needs. "Lay like this, bend over this way, scoot closer to the edge..." 

Have you told her the worries you have on your mind, the same ones you put into this post?

Like I sated above, my H is facing a long period of not feeling well coming up and though I haven't thought about how this might affect sex I have thought about how everything else will be affected by it. It never occurred to me that on top of everything else he is facing, he could also be worrying about being too sick to be a man to his wife. This breaks my heart.

I've had cancer surgeries and various injured joints over the years and I've always had to go offer him to let him know I'm okay and I want this and hers how I think we can do it. It was a bit of a buzz kill for him, if you know what I mean, in the beginning but he got used to the movement restrictions and what not.

Be honest and tell her what's on your mind. Only then will she be able to reassure you and hopefully step up her enthusiasm while you recuperate.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

Do a search and purchase an inversion table, great for those who have bad back or herniated disc problem.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I have injured my L4/L5 and L5/S1 discs on 3 separate occasions. You are going to likely need therapy to get over this, if you truly have a bulging disc that is contributing to the pain. There have been published studies that show about 75% of the population have asymptomatic disc bulges.

The first time I did it, I was in more pain than I had ever experienced in my life. At the time, I was actively involved in training kick boxing and Brazilian jiu jitsu. I felt something "wrong" in my back one night during grappling. It literally took me 10 minutes to get off of the floor and about an hour to get home (15 min drive normally). I started chiropractic treatment and physical therapy. I was in great shape at the time and it took about 12 weeks to regain my normal life. My wife had to do things for me all of the time. I don't know that she saw me as less of a man, but I was seriously injured. We didn't have sex until about the 10th week post injury. It was just not possible due to pain. This is just something you may have to accept. It was no fun, but there wasn't much I could do. I started to feel a lot better at about 8 weeks, but was scared of re-injuring during sex. Since my wife is very LD, she didn't mind the break.

The second injury (2 years later) was due to lifting in the gym. Again, down for about 10-12 weeks. No sex for at least 8 weeks. There was very little I could do because of the pain. Physical therapy helped me recover and get back to my normal life.

The 3rd time (2 years after the second) was by far the worst. It happened in the gym again. It was so bad that my chiropractor was telling me to go get surgery. I opted for chiro treatment and epidural steroid injections. It took about 12-14 weeks to recover from this one. Again, no sex during the time of injury. It just wasn't possible due to pain and limitations.

After you heal, you will be able to perform again in the bedroom. It will just take some time. I will admit that it sucks and is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Just realize that you will recover and get back to normal. That was my biggest problem with the first injury. I was afraid I would never return to normal. I couldn't walk without a cane for a few weeks. Stairs were near impossible. Sitting hurt. Lying down hurt. Standing hurt. But, you will recover and be back to your "normal" self. Just hang in there and do what you need to do to heal.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, you are probably fortunate to have recovered as well as you have, and did not need surgery. However, it sounds like you have not had physical therapy, and may not know specific exercises to do that will help prevent another injury.

My wife had a herniated disc three years ago. She was hospitalized for two weeks, for traction and intensive physical therapy. She avoided surgery, barely. She continued outpatient physical therapy for another four months, and was - and is - meticulous about her exercise program. She always uses proper body mechanics when lifting, and avoids certain movements that could cause another injury. She still has some minor pain some of the time, but is doing very well overall. It has not affected our sex life except when she was hospitalized and for a few weeks thereafter while healing and strengthening.

Please take good care of your back - life with a chronic back injury and pain would be very limiting and unpleasant.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Thank you for those words bbdad. 

I have had physiotherapy Married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your feelings are very normal. I feel the same way at times. I even feel like I'm worthless when my pain is unbearable for weeks at a time. My husband has always been there for me and reassures me that everything is great.

I broke my neck and herniated 3 discs in my neck. I had moderate spinal cord compression and only had 1 of the 3 discs repaired. The surgeons would not fix the other two discs since they were not as bad and not on my spinal cord and my age played a big part since a 3 level fusion would cause a domino effect where it would cause stress down neck into my back. My injury has left me disabled and my physical abilities are limited. I thank God everyday I can still walk even though its not far at all. I live in severe pain 24/7 since the injury over 5 years ago. I'm a sahm and I can do pretty everything as before, but at a much slower pace as long as my pain isn't unbearable. I even exercise on my stationary bike most days. I use to run 36 miles a week, which was the hardest thing mentally to get over. I don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to and doctor apts. I stay as busy as possible and I do my best to be positive. 

It's been a difficult and rough journey. My husband has been a saint. His support for me is phenomenal. Our marriage only gets better as time goes on.

Every injury is different and we all handle it in different ways. It took me at least 2-3 years before I accepted living in this pain. I do get support with my doctors as well. Our intimate life was on hold after surgery and 8 months after due to the pain. Now it's great. I probably should see if I'm a candidate to fix the other two discs since they are degenerative and losing fluid.

Make sure you be careful and take time to heal your injury. You don't want to end up needing surgery. Take care.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I was hoping you'd post IILWMH. Your story is inspiring. I know that I would not have your positive attitude at all!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's a goal of mine to stay as positive as possible. Of course I have my bad days and I do get into funks that last a week or two. Getting out of funks require me to force myself to start biking to release the endorphins that make you happy. Otherwise I'd become depressed.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My heart goes out to you OP. I'm sure your wife doesn't think less of you because of this, though I understand why you feel
she might.

You'll come through this and your marriage will be stronger for it. Be sure to be openly appreciative of what she's doing for you...it's always nice to be appreciated - even if you're doing it out of love 

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Thank you frusdil. 

I am certain you are right. I think if our relationship was more balanced I would feel less aware of all these issues. 

Ultimately I need to recover from the initial injury and then start a rehabilitation and recovery program.

It might be the beginning of my reinvigoration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Sex twice in 8 weeks. 

Both times it was painful. I am sexually frustrated yet cannot have sex without extreme pain. 

I am crabby and irritable yet if an opportunity for sex arose I would probably avoid it.

This situation sucks completely. I want sex yet can't have it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

It is definitely impacting on the quality of the relationship with my wife. There is more bickering and distance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Does your wife know this? Does she know that you very much desire her but have too much pain during sex to enjoy it?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

yes. Her knowing changes nothing. 

It's a Catch22 situation. I want sex yet would avoid it if opportunity arose. Undirected feelings of anger and helplessness predominate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

soulseer said:


> yes. Her knowing changes nothing.
> 
> It's a Catch22 situation. I want sex yet would avoid it if opportunity arose. Undirected feelings of anger and helplessness predominate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Channel it! 

Can't change it, didn't cause it, can't control it...channel it into a renewed commitment to daily PT to prevent it from happening again.

You'll get through this!


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

yes you are right.

I went to physio yesterday and got a whole lot of basic exercises to mobilize the nerve , loosen muscles and develope core strength that I must go through 2 x a day.

I will go back in 10days to be assessed again and hopefully be given the next rung of exercises to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

soulseer said:


> So about 6 weeks ago I herniated/slipped/injured a spinal disc.
> 
> I rested for 2 weeks and slowly got back into work again. Things were looking good after 6 weeks. I had been sleeping on a harder mattress outside of the marital room to try and recover.
> 
> ...


You do realize this is all about YOUR perception of yourself, and nothing about her, right? 

You expressed guilt at her doing things for you, a lack of confidence that you could earn her respect and a fear she's not going to love you because you're not earning it. 

There's a whole universe of wrong (and almost nothing right) in everything you posted about relationships and roles in marriage. Relationships are not based earning anything from the other person. If that's how you feel, you're going to have to re-learn your entire universe view of how a man / wife relationship works. 

I say these things because I have experienced them all. And struggle with them. But, good relationships happen because of who you are, because of trust, concern, and because you work at building the mental and emotional intimacy. 

Yup, being physically impaired isn't just a little temporary pain, it can change your entire self perception. It's time for some reflection on that and for learning how to have a good self perception with a different foundation.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I can give you some practical advise for the physical piece. Google Liberator Essee chairs...they are great for people with spinal injuries. They give you the support you need for your spine but flexibility to make love in lots of different positions comfortably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

What this guy needs too is an essee


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

We have the wedge/ramp combo,,,love them


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

deleted double post


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

oldgeezer said:


> You do realize this is all about YOUR perception of yourself, and nothing about her, right?
> 
> You expressed guilt at her doing things for you, a lack of confidence that you could earn her respect and a fear she's not going to love you because you're not earning it.
> 
> ...



Yes I am aware that I posted my perceptions of her perceptions of me. 

It's still early days with this injury and I am still coming to terms with both the physical limitations and the emotionall aspects of this injury.

I do believe 'earning respect' comes into play on a subconscious level. I read a lot about the Nice Guy on TAM where woman subconsciously lose interest in a man because he is more beta than alpha. Generally men are told to Man Up , do the 180 , and NMMNG basically regain their wifes respect on a subliminal level.

So with that in mind I perceive an undercurrent consensus here on TAM that womens perceptions of a physically impaired man is different to that of a unimpaired man.

It has nothing to do with earning or not earning respect rather its about a womans subconscious thought processes that lead her to engage in the relationship in a certain manner. 

Those I suppose are part of my concerns. Yes its all about my perception of her perception of me. Ultimately life is about perceptions anyway. What I have learnt here on TAM has opened my eyes to more than just 'building mental and emotional intimacy'.

As I said in the OP I am a little lost and insecure dealing with all the changes on various levels. Yes I think a lot. I know I do. In a few years once everything is settled and I have worked out coping mechanisms none of this will matter. Right now its all unknown. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

mineforever said:


> I can give you some practical advise for the physical piece. Google Liberator Essee chairs...they are great for people with spinal injuries. They give you the support you need for your spine but flexibility to make love in lots of different positions comfortably.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the advice. The eesee chair looks good. I live abroad and it doesn't look like that chair is available here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

soulseer said:


> Yes I am aware that I posted my perceptions of her perceptions of me.


Not quite my point. My comment is about HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF. 



> It's still early days with this injury and I am still coming to terms with both the physical limitations and the emotionall aspects of this injury.


It's uncharted waters. Expect to be in unfamiliar territory. 



> I do believe 'earning respect' comes into play on a subconscious level. I read a lot about the Nice Guy on TAM where woman subconsciously lose interest in a man because he is more beta than alpha. Generally men are told to Man Up , do the 180 , and NMMNG basically regain their wifes respect on a subliminal level.


In every case, they are not about earning respect, but about your own respect for yourself and for your spouse. 



> So with that in mind I perceive an undercurrent consensus here on TAM that womens perceptions of a physically impaired man is different to that of a unimpaired man.


No, it's what you think of yourself that's the issue here, and what you IMAGINE your wife thinks of what you now think is a lesser you. Nowhere in this is any evidence of HER communicating anything to you, you've just made a lot of assumptions. 



> It has nothing to do with earning or not earning respect rather its about a womans subconscious thought processes that lead her to engage in the relationship in a certain manner.


Sorry, I know that's sometimes advocated or preached here, but I don't buy it for a second. The fundamental assumption for all of it, is that women are slaves to manipulation by either men or certain "female programming". 

As I said, I really don't buy into it.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Good reply to my comment geezer I will process what you say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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