# Help? 😢



## Kami no ko

Hi I’m Chris. I just joined this site for some help with my wife. When me and my wife first got together I just turned 20 three months prior, like a year after I moved out of my moms house and she was 29 with three children and pregnant (9, 5, and 2). I’ll admit I was still a child (in my mind), dry humping her in public, pole dancing on telephone poles, and always super horny. I was watching porn as well as being intimate with her on a daily basis, sometimes 3 times within the same day. 8 1/2 years later, we’ve been through some crap. Our daughter passed away a little over a year after she was born, I cheated on her a few times (which started because she said I was always up her ass and she couldn’t do anything without me being right there like one of her kids), she slept with friends of mine to get back at me when we broke up, and now we have stopped the cheating and everything ready to be faithful to one another, and got married 9/22/17. So a few months after we get married we talked about having another kid, so she gets off the depo shot. We slowed down our sex life after we got married, but she blames me for “never initiating it.” The thing is she has told me she doesn’t even desire sex like how she use to. She said she used to be close to considered a nymphomaniac, yet now after all the bs she doesn’t care, as well as she felt “miserable for the past 8 1/2 years. I’m trying everything I can to get her to desire me again, and I’m to the point where I’m ready to say f*ck it idc anymore. I’ve tried drinking, emotionally physically and spiritually being there for her, I’ve tried toys, I’ve even watched videos upon videos to make her desire me again. Nothing is working, and the devil is using that against me by telling me to find a side chick (which would be fairly simple but ignorant and hateful). I’m now 28, her 37, I’m far from bad looking, many of the women I’m surrounded by have hit on me (with me turning them down of course), so finding another woman is far from my concern. I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, not find another, but I’m nearing the end of my rope. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions because honestly I’m ready to give up and lay down and die, I want her no one else, and I feel as though if I don’t have her, there’s no reason to keep walking through life.:frown2:


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## Adelais

She doesn't sound like a catch. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who is not only 9 years older than you, has 3 kids from other men, cheats on your with your "friends" and says she has no desire for sex with you?

You need to get individual counseling and work on your self esteem.


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## moulinyx

Kami no ko said:


> Hi I’m Chris. I just joined this site for some help with my wife. When me and my wife first got together I just turned 20 three months prior, like a year after I moved out of my moms house and she was 29 with three children and pregnant (9, 5, and 2). I’ll admit I was still a child (in my mind), dry humping her in public, pole dancing on telephone poles, and always super horny. I was watching porn as well as being intimate with her on a daily basis, sometimes 3 times within the same day. 8 1/2 years later, we’ve been through some crap. Our daughter passed away a little over a year after she was born, I cheated on her a few times (which started because she said I was always up her ass and she couldn’t do anything without me being right there like one of her kids), she slept with friends of mine to get back at me when we broke up, and now we have stopped the cheating and everything ready to be faithful to one another, and got married 9/22/17. So a few months after we get married we talked about having another kid, so she gets off the depo shot. We slowed down our sex life after we got married, but she blames me for “never initiating it.” The thing is she has told me she doesn’t even desire sex like how she use to. She said she used to be close to considered a nymphomaniac, yet now after all the bs she doesn’t care, as well as she felt “miserable for the past 8 1/2 years. I’m trying everything I can to get her to desire me again, and I’m to the point where I’m ready to say f*ck it idc anymore. I’ve tried drinking, emotionally physically and spiritually being there for her, I’ve tried toys, I’ve even watched videos upon videos to make her desire me again. Nothing is working, and the devil is using that against me by telling me to find a side chick (which would be fairly simple but ignorant and hateful). I’m now 28, her 37, I’m far from bad looking, many of the women I’m surrounded by have hit on me (with me turning them down of course), so finding another woman is far from my concern. I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, not find another, but I’m nearing the end of my rope. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions because honestly I’m ready to give up and lay down and die, I want her no one else, and I feel as though if I don’t have her, there’s no reason to keep walking through life.:frown2:


This post is confusing.

So is the problem lack of intimacy, or the stuff from your past. I dont know why your immaturity from when you were younger plays a role unless you were wanting to throw in some back story on things you two have overcame. 

1) You two need therapy for the loss of your daughter. There is no way that has not affected her mental health. 

2) Its normal to not be insanely horny constantly. You still have to try to get her in the mood. She's telling you she wants it initiated. Maybe ask how she wants sex to be initiated? I can guarantee she will tell you exactly what she wants.

Lastly, it seems like you are so focused on the fact that you could get someone else that you are missing the point entirely. She won't desire you if there isn't an emotional connection. You probably have tried to connect to her but it wasn't the way she needed it. 

I suggest trying the love languages book. It is so easy and a short read. This book helped my husband and I figure out what we need to feel loved. For example, my love language is physical touch (like physical affection) and quality time while is his words of affirmation. To him being complimentary of me was showing love (saying I look pretty or dinner was awesome), but what I actually needed was a passionate kiss or time without our phones in conversation. 

Hope this didn't come off as harsh but you seem like you are on the verge of making a pretty big mistake that your marriage will not come back from. If you love this woman, at least respect her enough to not get a side chick.


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## MattMatt

If @Kami no ko is your real name it might be a good idea to have @EleGirl change it for you.


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## Kami no ko

Honestly I’m more focused on her than anything else, even my children. Idc about another woman like I said I’d rather die than to be without her, literally. Thanks for the advice on the book, I’m definitely going to look into it. Everything I said was to give y’all an idea on where we came from and where we are now. I hate that I’m even on here, but I don’t plan on going anywhere, I just dread feeling like she will though...


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## SunCMars

Kudos on trying....

I think, I suspect she has outgrown you.
It happens.

Also, she looked in the mirror. She saw a woman approaching forty, one with three kids by more than one dad.

You are a known person, a 'rather' stable man, good in a pinch. 
Maybe, plan-B.

Unlike the other men who only want to jump her bones and hoof it, and bag it out the door.

She wants a kid 'with' you to hook you tight and to keep you high and dry next to her forever.

Sorry...





[THM]- Lilith


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## EleGirl

Chris, check your private message in box.


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## SunCMars

Who said that nymphomaniacs always enjoy the sex.
It can be a disorder, not a feel good salve.

It likely became a habit with her.

Quick and fast sex always delivers the men.

Uh, she finally learned, they arrive, they cum and then they leave.
She went home feeling used, not sexually relieved.

Likely, it was more about excitement, having men at her beck and call.

Then, it got boring. 
When she called, all she got was crass boars for men.





[THM]- Lilith


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## moulinyx

Kami no ko said:


> Honestly I’m more focused on her than anything else, even my children. Idc about another woman like I said I’d rather die than to be without her, literally. Thanks for the advice on the book, I’m definitely going to look into it. Everything I said was to give y’all an idea on where we came from and where we are now. I hate that I’m even on here, but I don’t plan on going anywhere, I just dread feeling like she will though...


No these forums are amazing! Getting your frustrations out helps rationalize and think things through. I am glad you are considering the book. Even telling her she is the love of your life and you'd work through anything would probably be a lot for her to hear if you were worried about her leaving. 

We are all different, but it means a lot to me when my husband tells me he loves his life with me and things like that. We don't know how you feel about us unless you tell us from time to time.


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## BruceBanner

Kami no ko said:


> Hi I’m Chris. I just joined this site for some help with my wife. When me and my wife first got together I just turned 20 three months prior, like a year after I moved out of my moms house and she was 29 with three children and pregnant (9, 5, and 2). I’ll admit I was still a child (in my mind), dry humping her in public, pole dancing on telephone poles, and always super horny. I was watching porn as well as being intimate with her on a daily basis, sometimes 3 times within the same day. 8 1/2 years later, we’ve been through some crap. Our daughter passed away a little over a year after she was born, I cheated on her a few times (which started because she said I was always up her ass and she couldn’t do anything without me being right there like one of her kids), she slept with friends of mine to get back at me when we broke up, and now we have stopped the cheating and everything ready to be faithful to one another, and got married 9/22/17. So a few months after we get married we talked about having another kid, so she gets off the depo shot. We slowed down our sex life after we got married, but she blames me for “never initiating it.” The thing is she has told me she doesn’t even desire sex like how she use to. She said she used to be close to considered a nymphomaniac, yet now after all the bs she doesn’t care, as well as she felt “miserable for the past 8 1/2 years. I’m trying everything I can to get her to desire me again, and I’m to the point where I’m ready to say f*ck it idc anymore. I’ve tried drinking, emotionally physically and spiritually being there for her, I’ve tried toys, I’ve even watched videos upon videos to make her desire me again. Nothing is working, and the devil is using that against me by telling me to find a side chick (which would be fairly simple but ignorant and hateful). I’m now 28, her 37, I’m far from bad looking, many of the women I’m surrounded by have hit on me (with me turning them down of course), so finding another woman is far from my concern. I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, not find another, but I’m nearing the end of my rope. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions because honestly I’m ready to give up and lay down and die, I want her no one else, and I feel as though if I don’t have her, there’s no reason to keep walking through life.:frown2:


Where the **** are your parents? I don't imagine both of them could be okay with you dating a woman significantly older than you who had three children and another one in tow. You should generally avoid single mothers like the plague when it comes to dating. I bet she doesn't even know who the father(s) of her children are. Does she?



Araucaria said:


> She doesn't sound like a catch. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who is not only 9 years older than you, has 3 kids from other men, cheats on your with your "friends" and says she has no desire for sex with you?
> 
> You need to get individual counseling and work on your self esteem.


He said she slept with his friends to get back at him when they broke up. She didn't cheat.


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## MJJEAN

Kami no ko said:


> Honestly I’m more focused on her than anything else, *even my children*.


Do you mean your child or her kids from her previous relationship(s)?

Cuz, seriously, you really shouldn't prioritize a middle aged 3x Baby Momma who openly admits she doesn't sexually desire you over the houseplants, much less more complicated life forms.


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## MattMatt

@Kami no ko check your personal messages!


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## She'sStillGotIt

Kami no ko said:


> Honestly I’m more focused on her than anything else, even my children. Idc about another woman like I said I’d rather die than to be without her, literally.


You are the epitome of CO-DEPENDENCY.


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## In Absentia

Maybe your wife is like my wife... you pestered her so much with sex that she hates it... she hates having sex with you. Mind you... we were only having sex once or twice a month, but she still saw that as being "hounded"... it's a psychological thing... :laugh:


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## Lila

@Kami no ko I have a few questions that I think would be helpful for you to answer.

How did you meet your wife?

What was it about her that attracted you to her? 

Did her sexual desire drop before or after she stopped the depo? 

Is the biological father (s) of her 13 and 10 year old a part of their lives? Did you adopt her children as yours? 

Do you two work? Any financial issues?


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## Robert22205

Is my understanding correct that you'd rather be dead than be without her?
If so, you need to seek help (IC) immediately. Also go to a doctor and tell them how you feel.
A doctor can help you.


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## Kami no ko

Lila said:


> @Kami no ko I have a few questions that I think would be helpful for you to answer.
> 
> How did you meet your wife? We met shortly after I got robbed in the winter. She invited me in and let me get warm, we’ve kicked it off then and been together since.
> 
> What was it about her that attracted you to her? Her personality. She’s a very strong, intelligent, and independent woman and I wanted also to show her and the children she had at the time what a real husband/father was like.
> 
> Did her sexual desire drop before or after she stopped the depo? After, we’ve talked since I’ve posted this and she said it’s not that she doesn’t desire me, she would be more attracted to me in an intimate way if I helped her more throughout the day, but juggling plastering at my church as well as being an online college student, it’s tough trying to do housework as well. I feel as though I don’t have the time to make her “want” me (in the bed).
> 
> Is the biological father (s) of her 13 and 10 year old a part of their lives? Did you adopt her children as yours? They are not, and yes I’ve been their dad since March 26, 2011
> 
> Do you two work? Any financial issues?


 I’m currently in school to gain a career and on ssi, but we are financially stable


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