# Needing encouragement



## funfred (Feb 21, 2013)

Hi, I dont want to be here. But I am.  My emotions are raw. I feel my world has ended. My wife moved out of the house this weekend. She is "done" she says. 
Backstory. She has struggeled with being bipolar2 for 10 years. Many stints is psych ward during her depression cycles. Now she has just up and decided to leave me. We have 2 kids btw. I do not think she is cheating. I believe it is her bipolar. 
All I ask from her is why? But she will not respond. I have done nothing but try to be there for her thru all her ups and downs. Maybe this is for the best, but we will lose everything. We barely got by on our income, living meagerly. I just dont see her logic. 
Please help me, I need encouragement and direction.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, brother.

There is no logic to this so nobody, including her, can really answer that.

My advice is to Google "180: the healing heart" and follow it to the letter. It will help you detach and heal, as well as focus on what needs the most amount of your attention in this tough time: your kids.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry you're here, this has got to hurt so much.

You say you believe she is bipolar, is there a diagnosis? Does she have a counselor, and if so, have you tried to contact the counselor. They can't discuss your wife's condition, but might be willing to discuss this situation with her.

Sadly, if she is hell bent on divorce there's just nothing you can do to stop her. What you can do is take care of yourself and the kids. They will need as stable a home as possible and that responsibility has been foisted on you. So, do the 180. It will help you emotionally detach and become a stronger person. Make some structured plans to get out of the house, some with friends, some with kids. It doesn't have to be much, and doesn't have to cost much of anything. Is there a park close by, take the kids for a picnic with PB& J and a couple of apples. 

Go to an attorney, or legal aid and get some assistance putting together a separation agreement. If she changes her mind you can always terminate it, but a signed agreement will protect you from any additional accumulation of debt she might accrue. 

Does your W work? 
How old are the kids?

Lots of folks have gone through this (sadly), and lots have gotten stronger, and eventually happier in the process. It is a process. Some days you will feel like never getting out of bed, other days you will be stronger than you knew possible. There are ebbs and flows to this healing. You will survive.


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## funfred (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes we have been to 3-4 different Psychiatrists. She has done this in the past many times. I know this is probably the best for me, but I dont want to lose my family. She has hurt me soo deeply this time. How can you go from being her "Rock" 2 weeks ago, to not speaking? I dont understand.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

funfred said:


> Yes we have been to 3-4 different Psychiatrists. She has done this in the past many times. I know this is probably the best for me, but I dont want to lose my family. She has hurt me soo deeply this time. How can you go from being her "Rock" 2 weeks ago, to not speaking? I dont understand.


That is exactly what the illness can do...make the person change on a dime. Not surprising at all. Just sad and frustrating, but not much you can do right now except offer support in any way you want to.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

funfred said:


> Yes we have been to 3-4 different Psychiatrists. She has done this in the past many times. I know this is probably the best for me, but I dont want to lose my family. She has hurt me soo deeply this time. How can you go from being her "Rock" 2 weeks ago, to not speaking? I dont understand.


Well... this is what mental illness is all about... Unfortunately there is no logic in it. Medications might take an edge off it but final cure is very rare if ever. I think in a long run it will be better for you and your kids as unpredictability from your wife will no longer influence your lives. Then again, it might be this particular cycle and in a month or so she will come to her senses. In any case, be strong.


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## funfred (Feb 21, 2013)

Pluto, yes she works. Just started a new job in early spring after. This is after losing her last two jobs because of her illness. Our kids are 11 and 7 years old. That was the hardest part, telling them. It broke my heart to see my oldest's reaction. Thanks for all the support so far.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Do the kids know about her diagnosis? They need to know. They also need to hear from you that none of this is their fault, and they need to hear that A LOT.

Most kids who live through their parents' separation/divorce tend to view the world as revolving around them. Not in a bad way, its just how their minds work at this age. So they start to think, then believe, Mom (or Dad) left because of me-because I wasn't smart enough, or tidy enough, or because I asked for too many toys, or fought with my sibling, or whatever else might apply in their minds. Then they start to think if they become some perfect child, Mom and Dad will get back together and their world will be fixed. Its crushing when they finally realize that nothing they do makes a difference.

That's why so many recommend some level of counseling for kids. It doesn't have to be formal or even structured. Lots of schools have counselors that work with students with these kind of issues all the time. Lots of insurance plans cover some mental health. If you don't have insurance call the local mental health agency and I bet they have some people who work with kids. Children need a safe environment where they can safely say things like "I'm really mad at Mom for leaving" or "I hate that Mom is sick" They need to vent. And they need you. So you get some help too.


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## funfred (Feb 21, 2013)

The kids do not know about her illness. Although, they have to feel something has not been right with their mom. She spent days/weeks in the bed. I told them its not their fault. I still dont think they understand. Thanks everybody.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

funfred said:


> The kids do not know about her illness. Although, they have to feel something has not been right with their mom. She spent days/weeks in the bed. I told them its not their fault. I still dont think they understand. Thanks everybody.


You're a grown man who knows what your wife's illness is all about and you are struggling to come to grips with this. Imagine how confused the kids are. Please try to get them some kind of help.

Take a look at this article. Not all of it applies to your situation, but it might give you some help in explaining the situation, especially the action plan. If the separation become permanent and she gets some visitation, they have to be prepared.

CAMH: When a parent has bipolar disorder... What kids want to know


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