# Money - and way she spends it



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

I wouldn't say we're short of money we're not really but we do spend a lot. Expensive holidays etc eating out etc.

I earn a fair bit but its contract work so you need to sort your own pension, save money too because theres no sick or holiday pay and there are times with no work.

BUT, last few months wife has got into the habit of spending almost every single day. The amount of crap in the house is unbelievable. New lamps, rugs,clothes etc. 

Not a huge amount each time so she thinks its ok but all those £30-£40 ($50) add up. We're talking 4-5 times a week she'll spend this. Its been getting up to around £1000 a month on just nothing to be honest.

Means there is nothing left to put in pension pot or nothing to save. We're literally blowing £5000 a month on stuff.

Thing is we don't have separate money. I probably earn about 3/4x what she does. Not an issue for me - its our money. She take no interest in the bills whatsoever - I gave up on that years ago.

So I've probably sat her down 10-15 times and been nice about it. Explained just how much is being spent and shes said ok I'll calm down. Then same again. A week ago I said look we've going on an expensive holiday in two weeks - so I come home today and shes spent £100 on a cheap coffee table, cheap lamp. None of which we need.

She doesnt seem to realise that just because you're buying cheap tables for £30 at a time, if you're spending £50 20 times a month its a lot of money. But then she'd never dream of going out and spending that much in one go.

But Im the bad one now for having a go. I did do it all wrong - her mother was her. But Im so annoyed that she says yes yes to my face to shut me up then does not change. 

If she wants to spend £500 a month on crap then I have no problem but she has to understand its got to come from somewhere. At the moment, I feel like the magic fairy who has to provide money for whatever she feels like.

Its not good is it? Been married 20 years and she never used to be like this. Yes I have a tendancy to go which is maybe why she says things to shut me up but this time I think I've been nice about it and ignored.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

One possibility is for her to become the main person who pays bills and tracks money. That will let her directly see the tradeoffs. You of course will still have access to everything, but it becomes here "job" to figure out how to budget.


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

@;


uhtred said:


> One possibility is for her to become the main person who pays bills and tracks money. That will let her directly see the tradeoffs. You of course will still have access to everything, but it becomes here "job" to figure out how to budget.


Tried in the past to just get her involved. Tried many times. If even to look at the credit card bills with me and see where it all goes. That never worked.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Difficult. 
I think you have to try to convince here that you don't think the budget can support this sort of spending, but you are happy for her to show you otherwise if she wants to go over the numbers.



saddomaddo said:


> @;
> 
> Tried in the past to just get her involved. Tried many times. If even to look at the credit card bills with me and see where it all goes. That never worked.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When a person shops like that, it is often because they are having emotional problems. the shopping gives them a dopamine hit and makes them feel better.

Is she depressed? Does she feel like her life has less meaning now?


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

uhtred said:


> Difficult.
> I think you have to try to convince here that you don't think the budget can support this sort of spending, but you are happy for her to show you otherwise if she wants to go over the numbers.


Yeh its tough. It just amazes me how an adult does not realise that credit card spending needs to be paid for.


----------



## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

I'm sure she knows. She just doesn't care.

Its your problem how the bills get paid.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

saddomaddo said:


> Yeh its tough. It just amazes me how an adult does not realise that credit card spending needs to be paid for.


So take the cards away. Cash only. Decide how much she gets to fritter away each month and when that's gone, she has to wait til next month.

Or take the cards away and give her a card with a pre-set spending limit on it. Once she exceeds, the card is rejected until she pays the bill.

Or take the cards away and give her a monthly gift card for the agreed upon amount, and once that's gone, that's it until next month.

If she's that out of control and refuses to understand math, then she needs help gaining control.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Before you were married, did she have to worry about money, or was it taken care of for her? 

Some people grew up in an environment where money really was never an issue. It takes a while for them to understand. 



saddomaddo said:


> Yeh its tough. It just amazes me how an adult does not realise that credit card spending needs to be paid for.


----------



## wellseasoned (Jan 8, 2016)

Reverse what your doing. Pay your bills, save for your pension, then, what is left over you can spend on stuff. :smile2:


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Yosemite said:


> I'm sure she knows. She just doesn't care.
> 
> Its your problem how the bills get paid.


Maybe. But what an immature attitude.

I always say its not my job to tell her what to spend on but neither is it my job to perform miracles and "find" money from nowhere.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Do they have some sort of financial counseling for couples in the UK? I have to assume they do, but would defer to someone from Britain about this.


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> When a person shops like that, it is often because they are having emotional problems. the shopping gives them a dopamine hit and makes them feel better.
> 
> Is she depressed? Does she feel like her life has less meaning now?


Do you know what Im wondering that? Shes had a rough time with illness last few years and with young kids sometuimes she does seem over stressed.

I know she tries with her spending. She rarely buys expensive things. Most of the stuff is cheap crap but of course, as I said, being in there every few days spending £50 adds up over the month.

Then again, its weird. We're after a new bathroom. Had a few quotes bit expensive. So she really looked for something cheaper and compromised on a lot.

It just seems this one aspect. Going into a shop and buying just bits and pieces. Its one particular shop here in the uk. Its called home bargains. Sells all sorts - food, clothes, stuff for the home, diy, garden. She comes home with new cheap rugs, doormats, coffee tables (didnt know we needed a new one).

Yesterday she spent £100 including a crappy coffee table for £40. Cheap but unneeded. Fair enough but you can guarantee she'llbe in there again by the end of the week spending a minum £50 - plant pots, plants, toys, clothes.


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

uhtred said:


> Before you were married, did she have to worry about money, or was it taken care of for her?
> 
> Some people grew up in an environment where money really was never an issue. It takes a while for them to understand.


I've heard that how things were in your younger life affect your perception of money. 

Me - I went to college so had to look after myslef on a very small budget. Then I rented a place on my own when I started working so had to look out for myself.

She lived with her parents. Started work. Paid them a minimal amount of rent and basically had the rest to spend.

Her mother was very much like shes getting. I want a new carpeter- then it was her husbands job to sort out the finanical side. Maybe its rubbed off on her.


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Do they have some sort of financial counseling for couples in the UK? I have to assume they do, but would defer to someone from Britain about this.


Not sure. They do have Relate but thats general counselling.


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

norajane said:


> So take the cards away. Cash only. Decide how much she gets to fritter away each month and when that's gone, she has to wait til next month.
> 
> Or take the cards away and give her a card with a pre-set spending limit on it. Once she exceeds, the card is rejected until she pays the bill.
> 
> ...


There is that but it seems a bit overly controlling to do that.

As I've said, its not my money its ours. But they're also our bills and debts. At the moment, it seems shes happy to take the money side but let me worry about everything else.


----------



## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

saddomaddo said:


> There is that but it seems a bit overly controlling to do that.
> 
> As I've said, its not my money its ours. But they're also our bills and debts. At the moment, it seems shes happy to take the money side but let me worry about everything else.


It's "our" money but she's spending it however she wants.

Step up dude. Cut her off.

Maybe she'll even respect you for growing a set and things will improve. Your bank account balance sure will.


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Yosemite said:


> saddomaddo said:
> 
> 
> > There is that but it seems a bit overly controlling to do that.
> ...


You may be right. Not sure it's even possible too. 

Credit cards yeh in my name. Plenty of cash though in joint account. I can't cut that off.


----------



## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

saddomaddo said:


> You may be right. Not sure it's even possible too.
> 
> Credit cards yeh in my name. Plenty of cash though in joint account. I can't cut that off.


Move the money into a sole account in your name.

I know you're wondering why you didn't think of this yourself, it's where your head is at right now. 

But I can tell that you're not in a position to do any of this. 

You're afraid of her.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

saddomaddo said:


> You may be right. Not sure it's even possible too.
> 
> Credit cards yeh in my name. Plenty of cash though in joint account. I can't cut that off.


So every time you get paid for your work, put a certain percentage or fixed amount in an account from which you pay the household bills. Put another set percentage of it into whatever your retirement accounts are. "Pay" yourself - bills and retirement accounts _first_. 

The rest of each paycheck can go into the joint general account. That general account is what pays for random spending, vacations, dinners out, fun stuff like that. If it's not in the general fund, it doesn't "exist" as spendable money. 

Alternately, rather than a single general spending account, set up a separate personal account for each of you and deposit half of the "leftover" money - after bills and savings - from each paycheck into each of those personal accounts. Get each of you a debit card that accesses only your personal spending account. If she runs through her account balance, then she just has to wait until you get paid again and can deposit more funds. That way, each of you has personal "fun" money but can't spend anything that is earmarked for bills or savings.

Stop using credit cards. If you want to have one around for emergencies, fine, but have a single card that's kept somewhere at home. If she can't stop running up the credit card bill, then she needs to be using a debit card or cash. 

And, of course, hold yourself to the same new budget plan. Frame this new arrangement not as you trying to control her spending, but as you reworking the family finances to get a better handle on your ability to save and plan for the future.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

saddomaddo said:


> Do you know what Im wondering that? Shes had a rough time with illness last few years and with young kids sometuimes she does seem over stressed.
> 
> I know she tries with her spending. She rarely buys expensive things. Most of the stuff is cheap crap but of course, as I said, being in there every few days spending £50 adds up over the month.
> 
> ...


I agree with EG, there is possibly some deeper issue here. Your wife is getting no spending "hit" from the bathroom reno but from all the little $50 spends she is getting some type emotional buzz, a void filled. Is she happy with her life? You said on the other thread you yelled at her, is this a good or failing marriage?

Sometimes people spend just to get the high, a glimpse of fulfillment. I have a sister like that and it is very sad to see.


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Hmm. I think I've screwed up a little and overeacted this time.

Doubtless she overspends but having seen the receipt it wasn't bad. 

So of course my bad for overreacting now. Still an issue but I don't think it's going to get sorted on this.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She needs a hobby other than spending.


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> She needs a hobby other than spending.


 Ha ha your right!


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

MrsHolland said:


> saddomaddo said:
> 
> 
> > Do you know what Im wondering that? Shes had a rough time with illness last few years and with young kids sometuimes she does seem over stressed.
> ...


Maybe. I don't understand but makes sense.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So....the *real* problem here is not so much that your wife doesn't have enough good sense to know when to stop spending money on garbage, but the fact that *you* don't have the spine to man up and take control of the situation.

It's been two pages of wishy-washy excuses and reasons and deflections for why you can't do anything but whine about it.

How's that been working for you?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I have seen this. My wife grew up in this situation. Money had always been limited by what her parents decided to give her, she had never experienced simply not having enough. Money was something that people who loved you just gave you.

I remember long ago her complaining that a former boyfriend never bought her flowers - and being surprised when I told her that he was a college student, and that a dozen roses was the money he would otherwise spend to eat that weekend.

She was not stupid, very far from it. Its was just something completely out of her experience. 


Once she started being involved in managing our money, she understood (grokked) that sometimes there simply is not enough money for what you want. 



saddomaddo said:


> I've heard that how things were in your younger life affect your perception of money.
> 
> Me - I went to college so had to look after myslef on a very small budget. Then I rented a place on my own when I started working so had to look out for myself.
> 
> ...


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

How big of a house do you have to properly show / place / use all that stuff?


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So....the *real* problem here is not so much that your wife doesn't have enough good sense to know when to stop spending money on garbage, but the fact that *you* don't have the spine to man up and take control of the situation.
> 
> It's been two pages of wishy-washy excuses and reasons and deflections for why you can't do anything but whine about it.
> 
> How's that been working for you?


Thanks for that. Helpful ?


----------



## saddomaddo (Feb 1, 2009)

john117 said:


> How big of a house do you have to properly show / place / use all that stuff?


 Fairly big. But things get thrown out and replaced a lot.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> She needs a hobby other than spending.


This was my thought, too. Does she have a job? How much free time does she have?

Listen...I'm guilty of the same trap as your wife. Maybe not to the same extent. I've never spent $1000 in a month. But I am a sucker for "sales" and "bargains". YES my logical mind knows that whatever the sale price is, it's cheaper if I just don't buy it AT ALL. 

I fall for the devil on my shoulder that says - you'll never see that deal again!, and it's no big deal it's only $20, and my personal favorite delusion - my husband will be so happy I found these things so cheap! I just saved us all of this money! Haha, no. 

Here's how I combat it -

1. I am so busy I really have almost no time to shop. Maybe once or twice a month. That means I can't be out there every day looking at things that I don't need. I work full time, and I've filled up my free time with getting involved in my kids activities, and volunteering for the local animal shelter. 

2. I have a good job that pays a little more than my H. Point being, I pull my weight in bringing in the money to pay for things. 

3. We do what another poster said - we have 100% joint accounts, but we have only ONE of the accounts that is tied to a debit card and that cash can be pulled from at the ATM. The other two are for bill paying (bills automatically debit from it) and savings. Our financial departments at each company allowed us to each assign a specific amount of our checks that gets automatically deposited into each of those accounts. We pretend that all money outside of the spending account does not exist. 

4. We do have credit cards, but they stay in the safe in the house and do not go out with us. We keep them for emergencies and for when we feel the use of them is beneficial. (I've got some that have 0% interest for certain things for example). 

Honestly I couldn't stand my husband policing my every expenditure either. I do not think I am completely outrageous in my spending BUT I am definitely looser than my husband is by a significant margin. He is the man who could spend $60 a month on groceries (canned goods, cereal, milk, peanut butter and bread is what he lived off of) and he really could not fathom that other people spent more than that. We have made a deal that the joint spending account is "free money" for both of us. He doesn't say anything anymore. It does help that I am spending maybe $200 a month on stuff. With our salary that is doable. 

Could you set something like that up?


----------



## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Not sure if this would help but maybe tell her if she avoids buying all that small cheap stuff, you would like to take her out and buy one nice quality piece that will last for many years. Maybe showing her a fine furniture store (or how quality a nice old refinished antique piece is) she might realize the cheap stuff isn't so great. They sure make that home goods and catalog stuff look amazing in the store with all the lighting but I soon learned myself it is stuff that breaks after 3 weeks. 

Also, on thing that really helped me was to start selling. Once I realized how little I got back on the internet for the piece I thought was so great in the store I really started being a lot more selective. I also realized how much fun and what a high it is to sell something... getting cash from cast offs is way more of a high than buying for me now. 

Also, maybe give her cash instead of a credit card to shop with. When i pull out cash to pay for something i realize how much I am spending and how ridiculous priced it is and how wasteful it can be bc it is really a lot of money.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I agree with EleGirl... she's seeking that 'high' based around home-life.

How's the sex life from her perspective?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

saddomaddo said:


> I wouldn't say we're short of money we're not really but we do spend a lot. Expensive holidays etc eating out etc.
> 
> I earn a fair bit but its contract work so you need to sort your own pension, save money too because theres no sick or holiday pay and there are times with no work.
> 
> ...



She needs to be faced with the reality of her spending.

1. sit her down with the invoices, bills etc and your expenses spreadsheet. Have one column showing how much she spends on discretionary items (non essential items). Itemise the spreadsheet for all your expenses, mortgage, cars, medical, food, utilities, etc so she can see where the money is going. Make her sit with you for the next few months when you are doing the bills.

2. If you are married over 20 years, you seriously need to be saving for retirement, show her what you will need financially and how much needs to be saved to get there. You also need an emergency fund incase of redundancy etc. Usually equivalent to 3 months salary (most financial planners will tell you this).

3. It might work if you allocated a small fixed amount to her every month do spend as she pleases.

4. Consider having a spring clean in the house where you take all the extra junk and have a car boot sale, etc. Discuss ideas for having a minimalist home. The money raised should be saved.

5. Does she have credit cards? Check how much spending is on those. She may have a problem, e.g. a shopping addiction.


----------

