# Update: Almost 6 months since left....something is changing



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Short synopsis: Together with ex for 7 years, he cheated while I was pregnant with bub #2, left in January when dd was 4 weeks old for his student. I don't know how to attach a link but if you want to read my sob story it's entitled 'my husband left me for an 18 year old' http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41614-my-husband-left-me-18-year-old.html

Anyways, I didn't find find out about the cheating until about a month after he left, and he still denies it. No matter. I found more than enough proof. Ever since he left he has been ignoring my phone calls and texts (about the kids) and just simply cut me out. It's like I didn't exist. I always got the impression that he did that for OW benefit.... to show her he didn't give a rat's ass about me. Looking back, he was 'faithful' to her for the last 3 months of our relationship. For example he didn't want me to sleep in the same bed as him. His excuse was that I toss and turn too much when I'm pregnant and it disrupts his sleep..... ok. Back to the point: he cut me out. He has been angry and rude to me for at least 8 months, so even before he left. Same old story as everybody else's cheating spouse it seems. Here's why I'm writing:
For the past 3 weeks or so I started to notice a slight shift in my my stbxh's attitude. When he is with the kids and we are around each other at my house (he looks after them at the house, as he does not have any gear), he has been trying to engage me in a conversation. He has been pleasant, which is simply weird. When I text about the kids (and I do, since I want to do everything right for court... I keep notes when he does not), he now began texting me back. Last night I actually had a semi-closure talk with him for the first time since he left. When he did leave, I found out his intention from a voicemail of him talking to somebody else... we never actually had an honest break-up talk. He still tried to deny the cheating, but I told him I knew and that I am a smart girl. He just answered 'I know you are'. Then I told him that his new relationship will also have struggles and require work, cause that's how relationships go, even if he thinks now it's perfect. His answer was 'if that's how committed relationships are, then I don't want to be in a committed relationship'.... Interesting. I asked him if he could babysit friday night (his rehearsal night) so I could go out for a work-do, since I haven't been out in like 10 months. He said he'll talk to the band and see if he can move it. That was new. His rehearsals are sacred.... All that just seems odd to me. The new ex. is an ass hole, so this friendly ex just doesn't seem right. Here's the kicker, I get a phone call tonight on the house phone and he has not called the house since he left 6 months ago. It was him. He called to tell me that the he moved his rehearsal and I can go out and that he can put the kids to bed if I want to go out earlier. He even said that he checked with his friends, and the pub I am going to tends to get a line outside by 9, so he'll take care of the kids so I can leave earlier and not be stuck in line...!!!???? whaaaa? Who is this person. But most importantly WHY is he nice all of a sudden. This is what my red flag is about. What does he want? Custody is agreed, finances are agreed. He doesn't have to pay me child support (long story, the laws here blow) based on his income, but he still gives me money. So what is up? Is she pregnant? Is this preparation for some other blow? What do you guys think? 
One last thing, the school where he teaches and where the ex-student just graduated from is apparently swirling with gossip about them. Students talk, she probably bragged. Does he want me to bail him out? What do you think this is. I'm actually stunned. I guess I just got used to the new As*shole ex. 
And no, I don't think he wants me back, he mentioned that our relationship wasn't working out, so that's not it. And no, I wouldn't take him back either. If I did, I'd be the biggest idiot to walk this earth. Any thoughts?:scratchhead:


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

or do you think she's moving in??? Anyone?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Holiday in the states today so you might not get a lot of response 

Wish I had insight but I haven't been in that situation other than to say to keep your guard up


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sounds like his new life isn't living up to his expectations and he's looking for a way to get back with you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He's trying to soften you up for something. It's possible he wants to keep you as his back up plan. Anything is possible at this point.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I just get a red flag.... Whatever it is, is definitely egocentric. I just keep wondering what.... it's too eerie to see the change in his behavior....


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree with keko although I'm not sure he consciously has thought out getting back together with you. I think he is beginning to realize what he has lost and remembering all the good times and memories you both shared. Could it lead to a reconciliation? Possibly but I would be very wary of opening your heart to him until he has ended all contact with anyone else and done a lot of work on himself. For now I would just continue to work on yourself and get your life to the best place you can without him. Don't worry about what he is thinking. He's probably so confused his attitude will change like the weather.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Hah, I'm nobody's back up plan. Not even his ;-)


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> Hah, I'm nobody's back up plan. Not even his ;-)


That's exactly where you need to be. Awesome!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> He even said that he checked with his friends, and the pub I am going to tends to get a line outside by 9, so he'll take care of the kids so I can leave earlier and not be stuck in line...!!!???? whaaaa?


Allowing myself to go into sherlock mode.

He checked about the pub you were going to with friends? Like in asking his stag friends if that is the kind of place singles go to hook up? That kind of checking?

I'm a teacher. I live surrounded by late teens all day long. I know who they are and their physical side. Young and fit. 

But their appeal stops right there. There isn't enough of them in terms of personality to please a grown men. Maybe your STBXH is beginning to realize this just now.

Or it can be that he still wants to part in good terms somehow and feels guilty about all that went down. You're his kids mother. I guess you're going to have to keep waiting for developments.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Maybe he's starting to get dome odd looks and is starting to see how much a ******* he is. Some nice gestures may work for him to shake those feelings.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks for replying everybody
costa200, I think the guilt bit might be it. I also posted on the going through divorce and separation thread and somebody said the same thing. It's so stupid, but I don't know where to post... I am going through a separation and divorce, but it's because he cheated and he's still with her... He's coming to take care of the kids tomorrow so we'll see if anything else weird is going down. I called him today to tell him both of our kids are sick with different diseases and on antibiotics, as am I, but he didn't pick up the phone so I left a message (joined custody thought me might want to know). Only time will tell. 
I feel quite comfortable with my anger these days, so if he changed the rules on me, I'd be lost again... know what I mean?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Honeystly, being as it may, its important for you establish a good parenting relation with him. He may suck as a husband but if he does good by your kids you need to be on the same page as him for a lot of issues. Can't begin to tell you how vital that is for the little ones.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes, I absolutely agree with you. If it wasn't the case he wouldn't be allowed to come over my place to hang with the kids while I'm at work, and honestly, I would have packed my **** up and gone back to the US already. It has been very hard lately and any time the thought of moving crosses my mind I just think, no, my kids need their dad. So I have no vindictive motives, I try to do my best working with him (even if it means I have to text about the kids and he doesn't answer). I refuse to be a doormat though. I'd like to kill him a lot of times, but I don't, because it's not good for the kids to have their parents fight. So we never do. Except for my venting texts. I don't care if it solves nothing, it makes me feel better. It's my 'journaling', hahhaha. He did this s*hit to me, he can read about it. I obviously don't expect an answer for those texts, those are purely monologues in nature. But it does get to me when he doesn't text back about the kids.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Ok so here goes a bizarre update:
Yesterday was the day I went out. Stbxh hung out with the kids during the day as usual and then he stayed at the house when they went to sleep so I could go out. I was out at a work function with my girlfriend for about 3 hours (first time in 3 years!). It was ok, had a couple of beers and watched my coworkers make asses out of themselves. I caught 3 teachers doing coke in the toilet.... cut another one from telling me her rape story, etc. Just made me remember why I don't tend to go out as much, and how much I loved being married with kids.... Anywhoo, so I got home around 11:30, as everybody was too pissed and went to party elsewhere. So I get home and almost all the lights are on. I found that a bit strange. When I opened the door my whole house was shiny clean! I mean dishes washed, containers stacked, kitchen spotless, all toys put away, 10 weeks worth of laundry folded, socks paired, dvds in their cases, remotes lined up, books shelved. I mean , spotless!!!! He showed me what he did and apologised for not finding all the socks. WTF????? wtf, wtf?I just kinda stood there. Then I gave him a quick overview of my weird night and he went home. Before he left he asked if he could see the kids more in the next two weeks, as we both have school holidays now so we don't work (teachers). Our parenting agreement gives him a week when the kids sleep over, so I said ok, we'll chat later, when he wants them. WtF? this makes NO sense. None. Guilt? Pity? The house was a mess as I worked the whole term and me and the kids have been pretty sick for the past few days. Maybe he finally sees that OW is not all she's cracked up to be at 18? I really don't think it's about R. No. That's not it. Maybe he's afraid of loneliness if it doesn't work out and wants me to be his friend? WTF? Any thoughts buds?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Guilt. heaps of it. It really has nothing to do with you at this stage. He is trying to be "freinds" this fits in well with the cheater script. 
1. You will get over it quickly
2. You will like his new GF
3. Your kids will like her.
4. You will find someone else and be as madly in loove as he is.
5. You will invite him to BBQ and all four of you will laugh at how this happened.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ing said:


> Guilt. heaps of it. It really has nothing to do with you at this stage. He is trying to be "freinds" this fits in well with the cheater script.
> 1. You will get over it quickly
> 2. You will like his new GF
> 3. Your kids will like her.
> ...


There is a 'we can all be friends' episode of soulmate shmoopies.

I'd be more impressed if he gave you the money you deserve and can't get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

ing said:


> Guilt. heaps of it. It really has nothing to do with you at this stage. He is trying to be "freinds" this fits in well with the cheater script.
> 1. You will get over it quickly
> 2. You will like his new GF
> 3. Your kids will like her.
> ...


So true, if he dumps his OW, evidences it and shows true remorse then you have a reason to reflect , all he is doing now is trying to make his future cosy and pretend he is a great dad and husband . Suggest he signs an agreement that your children are never to be exposed to the OW or any future woman / gf/ wife and monitor his reaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I caught 3 teachers doing coke in the toilet..


Damn... You teachers really put it out there...

Regarding his behavior it's very ambiguous! Do you have an idea on how things are going with the OW?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is possible his OW has been on his case. 

He might have given her a load of rubbish about how bad your relationship was, but she could have been given a different story by a mutual friend. Band member, maybe?

She might have pointed out that he needs to treat you nicer, as you are the mother of his children.

Either that or she has found out what a twit he is and is getting rid of him.

If a person is a student and a professor/teacher comes on to you, that is so flattering. But after several months living together the reality can bite.

Either way he needs watching. His niceness might be genuine or he might be hiding something. Maybe he wants to take the children to live with his new woman?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

H,

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt.

Those are the signs from a man that knows he blew it.

Bigtime!

Keep your relationship intact. As friends!!!!!

That is all he deserves.

What counrty are you living in? Teachers party hard! No child support!


HM64


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Costa 200, I don't know how things are going with her. She still follows him to shows..., that's all I've got. We have all been sick this week and tonight my 2 year old had a high fever and began twitching... It scared the daylights out of me and I called my stbxh as I have no family here. He hasn't pick up the phone in 6 months... tonight he did. WTF? I really don't get it. He said he'd take him to the hospital if need be so I can stay home with our little girl. Fortunately, his fever went down. I'm watching him now to make sure it doesn't pick up again. But, I don't get it.
MattMatt, I don't think he wants to take the children, that's definitely not thing... I mean the new woman is 18 and lives at home with her parents. Maybe she told him to be nicer... Maybe not. He used to never pick up or text when she was with him, from what I gather. Maybe he's cooling it because his school seems to have found out...
happyman64, I'm in Australia Moved here for him from the US, but I don't regret it. The laws regarding divorce do blow here.... and yes, teachers apparently do party hard. That actually shocked me completely. I thought I was dealing with a slightly more professional crew... They sure seem it at work, but take them out and it's a train wreck. I'll chalk this up to guilt. Seeing my shrink on Tuesday so I'll see if she can give me a reasonable explanation and help me readjust to this new, kinder ex.... as I said, riding the hate train was much simpler than this


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Costa 200, I don't know how things are going with her. She still follows him to shows..., that's all I've got. We have all been sick this week and tonight my 2 year old had a high fever and began twitching..


That's a cause for concern. Have the little guy checked by an MD. It that happens again give him a bath with luke warm water to birng the temp down a bit. I find this preferable to heavy medication.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> When I opened the door my whole house was shiny clean! I mean dishes washed, containers stacked, kitchen spotless, all toys put away, 10 weeks worth of laundry folded, socks paired, dvds in their cases, remotes lined up, books shelved. I mean , spotless!!!! He showed me what he did and apologised for not finding all the socks. WTF????? wtf, wtf?I just kinda stood there.


Seems like a good deal. Have him come over once a month.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Honeystly,

Just be careful. And if he does not want the kids why wouldn't you move back home?

It might be easier having family here and it is sure easier on the kids when they are young to make a move????

Hm64


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's (hopefully) guilt, but who knows if he has underlying intentions. Either way it's baffling why he'd express guilt now after putting you through hell all this time. I doubt dumping or being dumped by the teenager would bring all of this. But who knows, maybe it's the proverbial "fog" lifting.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Complexity, exactly!!!! That's what I am: baffled! No he hasn't dumped her and she didn't dump him. She's as obsessed as ever from what I heard from my friends who see his fb shows..she's always there. He seems to be cooling off perhaps since the arrogance is gone.. What do you think it could be?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> Complexity, exactly!!!! That's what I am: baffled! No he hasn't dumped her and she didn't dump him. She's as obsessed as ever from what I heard from my friends who see his fb shows..she's always there. He seems to be cooling off perhaps since the arrogance is gone.. What do you think it could be?


Do you think her obsession has went from flattering his ego to becoming downright overbearing? you mentioned your discussion about commitment/relationship and his problems with it or maybe more succinctly, _her_, could it be his way of implicitly saying that she's gotten "too much" for him? Perhaps he realises you were the perfect balance all along....I really don't know Honeystly :scratchhead:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Ego strokes only work for a while. OW is losing her power. That's all. It doesn't seem he's mature enough to reflect and persue a diferent lifestyle: he will seek the next trill, maybe new OW/gruppie.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

So I wrote this on the divorce section too, but I wanted to share with you guys as well.
Today was poop. I actually caught myself having a little fantasy about stbxh knocking on the front door all wet from the rain in the late evening hours, me opening the door and asking him what he is doing here, and him falling on his knees and crying, begging for forgiveness. I then tell him that I will not stay married but we can date secretly so his family doesn't know and doesn't ruin it for us, and we go to MC.... then I started feeling like a pathetic loser for thinking such stupid thoughts, while he's hanging out with OW. He went away for a couple of days today, either to see his parents or to spend some time with her. S*it like this makes me hate myself. I know I shouldn't think these stupid thoughts, yet they sneak up on me. What cured me is my little boy crying for his dad again, and his dad most likely screwing some dumb b*tch, with no consideration for anybody but herself. 
He can take his cleaning of the house and stick it up his as*s! Yeah, still angry... this bastard hasn't called his son in 6 months even once to say hello, or goodnight. I suggested it a bunch of times. My little boy is suffering so much. I hope they burn in hell.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Complexity, my friend told me today she's still as actively following him to every goddam show he plays, so I don't think anybody is sick of anybody. All of my friends tend to think that he's about to pull something even more scummy, hence the guilt cleaning. I guess she'll be moving in. So sick of this ****. My life blows and I feel like I'm not making any progress. I'm stuck being angry and devastated and not moving forward, despite all my bravado. I'm actually super sensitive and loved him so much. I didn't promise to love and to cherish for a bit... When I committed I thought it through and it was for life. I can't just turn it off. I can turn it into anger, but I can't kill it! And that it turn is destroying me. I'm seeing my shrink in two days, maybe she can decompress me. She's good like that. I just don't want to wake up and miss him anymore. It's been almost six months and still no forward progress emotionally. I function because I must.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Update again. So that didn't last long. 2 days later his new song came out on you tube. It's called classy girl.... and it's about her. The chorus goes "my days are numbered". So it's about how beautiful she is and how he's gonna leave my ass any day now. Super. We got into a huge fight and I told him he's a scumbag (again). Then 2 days ago I did something stupid. He was at the house hanging with the kids and I just got so upset. I came up to him, put my hand on his shoulder and crying said "you broke my heart". What did he do? He ran. Yes. Actually ran out of the house. Is that normal????? I don't think so. I also saw a lawyer and was told I could most likely go back to the us, which I don't want to. But the lawyer asked me an interesting question. She said 'Why do you let him into your house"? She said that's it's a marital asset but my residence and to pack some stuff for the kids he could keep, get the kids ready in the morning, hand the stuff over and say 'see you at five'. So I packed the bags, wrote a list of things he'll need in the future (like diapers, which he hasn't bothered to buy yet) and put them by the door. I also am going tomorrow to sign up for a new cellphone plan, since he still didn't take me off the family plan and it's in his name, therefore I can't access the account as I am not the plan 'owner'. I will not give him my new number. He can email me or call me at the house. I am cutting this mother****er out. The end. He will not play mind games with me any longer. Every time I see him at the house it's a trigger and pushes me down further. I'm done.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Honestly,

Your attorney is right. It is your home.

I am glad you packed some stuff for the kids, it is time for you to show him what moving on looks like.

Do not say moving home is not an option unless you really love Australia. Just keep it in the back of your mind.

Stay strong and show him what your butt looks like as you are walking away from him. He needs to get used to that view.

HM64

PS
Cut him out. The song sucks. When he can write a great song about you then maybe he might be worth a minute of your time.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> Update again. So that didn't last long. 2 days later his new song came out on you tube. It's called classy girl.... and it's about her. The chorus goes "my days are numbered". So it's about how beautiful she is and how he's gonna leave my ass any day now. Super. We got into a huge fight and I told him he's a scumbag (again). Then 2 days ago I did something stupid. He was at the house hanging with the kids and I just got so upset. I came up to him, put my hand on his shoulder and crying said "you broke my heart". What did he do? He ran. Yes. Actually ran out of the house. Is that normal????? I don't think so. I also saw a lawyer and was told I could most likely go back to the us, which I don't want to. But the lawyer asked me an interesting question. She said 'Why do you let him into your house"? She said that's it's a marital asset but my residence and to pack some stuff for the kids he could keep, get the kids ready in the morning, hand the stuff over and say 'see you at five'. So I packed the bags, wrote a list of things he'll need in the future (like diapers, which he hasn't bothered to buy yet) and put them by the door. I also am going tomorrow to sign up for a new cellphone plan, since he still didn't take me off the family plan and it's in his name, therefore I can't access the account as I am not the plan 'owner'. I will not give him my new number. He can email me or call me at the house. I am cutting this mother****er out. The end. He will not play mind games with me any longer. Every time I see him at the house it's a trigger and pushes me down further. I'm done.


God I wish I could clap or give you a great big hug right now. Yes! Take charge of your life. Do it for you and your children. You've been strong but you have strength that you are not even aware of yet. He is a coward and runs from his problems. You are a courageous woman and you can do whatever you want.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I say pack up and move back to USA. You can find a better husban and father to your kids. What he is doing now is neither. 

He does not care about the kids if he never called them for 6 months. And he is just playing head games with you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Sorry.. But that song is terrible!


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

ing, that's funny. I think so too. Especially the lyrics.... hurtful. But today was better, I sent the kids to stbx's house and had a day off. I picked them up at 5 and got a whole bunch of stuff done. I did get the new phone plan today so I feel much better. I spoke to the bank about buying him out of the house and that looks promising too. The bank lender started to cry when I told her of my situation.....her ex-husband cheated on her with 3 different women.... brought it all back for her. On the bright side she really wants to help me get the loan. What a small, ****ed up world we live in.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You are a survivor, I say it again, your kids are so lucky to have you.

I am so glad you aren't using the house for his visits, it lets him pretend for a bit that he's still a good dad and nothing has changed. 

Fingers crossed about the house, good for you to be honest, maybe this will be a lucky break for you and they will give you that loan. WE know you are good for it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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