# How to bring up separation



## jayjay

I'll try to make this short, but I am at a point in my marriage in which I'm no longer in love, I am uncomfortable with her touch and would like to separate/divorce. I love her and care for her, but I don't know how to go about doing this with as little hurt as possible.

We've been married for 2 years, and have been together for over 8 years. We were really good friends prior to dating and after a year of long distance dating, we have been living together for 7 years. 

Before we moved in, our physical relationship was good...but once we moved in, it had dwindled down to maybe once a month. This was always an issue with me and I would bring it up from time to time, but it never seemed to be an issue with her...even after premarital counseling on the issue. Being turned down became very humiliating as well as made me feel unwanted.

My wife has always been very dependent, something I've always struggled with as I am the complete opposite. But for sake of making her happy and not being the bad guy, I do everything with her that she asks. 

Since being engaged, I've found myself doing things I would have never thought of doing...as ways to numb myself. I've used cocaine (only a couple of times and its been a while since the last time), pain kilers, smoke and have now kissed another women. 

Since meeting another women I have distanced myself from my wife...I am now emotionally and physically detached from her. I know that I haven't always been the best communicator, but my needs have always gone unmet, and now here I am feeling love and passion like I've never felt it before from someone I've only known a short period of time. She see's the things in me that my wife has taken for granted and never acknowledged. 

I do love my wife, and I care for her deeply, but I see her as a friend and we've come to the point of discussing separation and what needed to be worked on. Its been a few months and she's changed some habits and has really worked at making me feel loved, but it isn't affecting me at all. As for the other woman, I haven't talked to her in almost two months, I've tried to keep her out of the equation even though I do feel for her. 

I was alone for the holidays and being alone I felt some empowerment in doing as I pleased and not have to answer to anyone. I want this more than ever. I feel horrible going home, almost dread it...knowing that she is going to pressure me into telling her what I think, even though I know she doesn't want to hear my true answer. Her touch is uncomfrotable, I wish to move on...our past has brought me to this point and I want to move on...I've been to therapy and know things just aren't right. I'm sick to my stomach from feeling like this everyday and I just wish I had some direction in how to go about, without being hurtful. I don't want to tell her that I am not in love with her, or that I have no desire to sleep with her...but that's how I feel. 

I'll take any suggestions or comments...please help


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## honey28

First of all, you are not "wrong" for how you feel, but please don't give up on your wife or on your marriage. I've been in your shoes before and feeling that "new love" or "new like" feeling can be intoxicating and can definitely isolate you from your partner. I think the first thing you should do is find a counselor, pastor, etc... , sit down w/ thema nd your wife, and be brutally honest about your feelings (everything). Continue to keep the 3rd party out of the picture b/c that is just infatuation and when your needs aren't being met it is easy to latch on to someone else and that other person will always be something your wife is not, b/c she doesn't know you, you don't have history with her, you have never hurt her, you don't have to deal w/ bills, inlaws, etc... w/ her, so it is an unfair comparison. Also, remember the beginning w/ your wife-you probably felt some of those same feelings, but time has revealed that people change-so will this 3rd party, so please take her out of the equation b/c do you really want a woman that would have an affair w/ you. that says a lot about who she really is deep down inside. I don't know if you believe in the power of prayer and God, but it is real-he can change your heart (if you want him to and will allow him to). Overall, I say fight for your marriage and leave no stone unturned on trying to fix it and after you have done EVERYTHING, BEEN COMPLETELY OPEN and HONEST, then consider divorce and/or separation.


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## dcrim

Ah, hell...you know where this is going...get rid of her, divorce and check out the OW. 

You deserve a LIFE with someone who can love you and share all that life offers. You're not getting it now and that's HER problem. 

Get on with your life.


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## marina72

I agree with Honey28. You have to read, and re-read what honey said,,,, you're making a totally unfair comparison, comparing another woman, with your wife. And, it's true, if she (the other woman) would be with you, knowing you are married, then she is the type who Will cheat on you if you get together, guaranteed.... 

It sounds like you're very hurt and frustrated, but you might want to consider that your wife might be also. You've only been married two years. It sounds to me like you're giving up too easily. Having said that, if you truly despise the touch of her, and shiver with disgust when she's near, then perhaps the problem is you, and not her? I understand, that her not wanting sex as much as you do, can hurt you deeply, I know from experience, as my husband and I have the same issue right now, only it's me that is being denied regular sex. Although I must admit we just made love two nights in a row! Yay for me... 

Anyway, with my hubby, it's partly a stress issue, he has a high stress job, it's also a Testosterone issue, his numbers are pretty low for a man who's only 44. And I also think it's partly because I have not slimmed down as much since I had our baby, a toddler now, 20 months.... 

anyway, don't feel badly, you can't help how you truly feel, but,,,, I personally would look deep down, and wonder if perhaps you're not turned off by your wife, because you're letting the passion and newness and excitement of this other woman, cloud your mind and judgment. Cheating is wrong, no matter what the circumstances, and so by kissing this other woman, or whatever else you have done with her, that was a huge no no, on your part. Your wife does not deserve that. Is she aware that you are having an emotional/physical affair? Kissing another woman is indeed cheating. Lusting after another woman, is cheating, so is thinking about in a sexual way and being emotionally involved with another woman. If the sex was not that great after you moved in together, which you stated was 7 years ago, then why did you marry her? I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I would try at least a little , if I were you, to save my marriage. If you find that after a good long try of counseling, and really making an effort to see your wife's side of this, instead of just your own, that you can't love her, then it's probably time to move on. You don't want to hurt her, or keep her from finding happiness either. 

ps... drugs never solve anything, I wouldn't go there again if I were you... cocaine and crack, and things like that are Very addictive... that's totally irresponsible, and blaming your wife for that, implying she drove you to "cope" , or you had to numb yourself as a result of your life with her, is a total copout. That was your mistake, and had nothing to do with your wife. Please accept responsibility , for the decisions that you make.


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## confusedb

Well I understand your problem In a simalar situation myself. You find someone who fills you need besides your wife and you think you should move on. Think long and hard about this. I can not give you any advice on this seeing how I am here with you. I am going to keep and eye on this post and I would like to know how it works out. Good luck to you and your happiness.


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## moogvo

I can tell you with absolute certainty...

The other woman who you have become attached to is most of what has detached you from your wife. You even said it yourself.

having been in exactly your situation in my last relationship, let me tell you where it leads...

Another woman is great and you feel like someone understands you. But the reality is that she (and she might tell you that she wants to build a life with you) but understand that in her eyes, you are attached and unavailable. If you were to suddenly become available, it would probably scare her off.

In my situation, it was someone that worked in the same building as I. I would see her at certain times of the day when I went outside to smoke. Eventually, we had conversations. We found that our chats became more and more personal. Soon, I gave her my direct line phone number so she could call me when she was going out for a smoke. (I had the freedom at my job to take a break whenever I wanted to)

We met for a smoke break several times daily, which graduated to going to lunch, which graduated to after work smokes in the parking lot which led to eventually making out in the car. Soon, I felt like I really had a chance to be with this beautiful girl. everything was fresh and new, there were no problems. I lived in a state of total euphoria. 

Eventually, My ex caught on that there had to be something more going on. When it all came out, it was explosive and she left. Once she left, the girl I had been fawning over decided it was time for her to go back to an old relationship she had left for the same reasons as I.

Now, I was sitting in the midst of all of that "greener grass" that I had so eagerly jumped the fence for, only to find out that it was all brown and crunchy.

The biggest thing I can offer you today is to get that woman out of your head. See her for what it probably is. DISCONNECT from her so that you have the ABILITY to re-connect with your wife. Then REALLY make an effort to re-connect. You stated that she has been making an effort, but that you aren't letting her in. It isn't fair for you to watch her try so hard knowing that her efforts will not pay off.

You two were in love at some point? I am assuming "yes" because of your post. I have said this again and again... FEELINGS are NOT TRUTH. Feelings can change like the wind. Feelings are a variable. The truth is NOT variable at all. It is a constant. there is no such thing as half-truth, different versions of the truth, etc. The truth is the truth and it is what it is.

The first step is to disconnect yourself from all others, and then attempt to proceed with the one you made a promise to. "Respect" her by freeing yourself from the other woman. "Honor" her by giving 100% of yourself to your marriage, and "Love" her like you love yourself. Do this for at LEAST 6 months, and then if there are no feelings, then at least you know that you were being fair about it.

Go get the marriage fitness program from Mort Fertel's website. At the very least, go there and sign up for the freebies. Try what he says and if it doesn't work out for you, I am just about willing to give you your money back!

in closing, there is no such thing as a relationship that will just work out forever with no effort. No matter who you get with in the future, it will end up the same way unless you understand how a relationship works and are willing to make an effort to keep it healthy.

Guy to guy here... If you go out and buy a brand new car, and you never wash it and never change the oil, etc, it will break down and you will begin not to love it anymore. You gotta do the same for your marriage to keep it from getting stains on the upholstery and becoming "used".

Just to clarify, I am not some "bleeding heart" person here; I have BEEN down that path and it does NOT lead to a nice place!

Good luck.


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## swedish

great post, moogvo.


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