# Living in a gray area



## dajam

I found this site and it created interest .

My Story, have only been involved with three women in my life, First girlfriend 4 years, Second 2.5 then I was married for 29,

I have been divorced/separated for 2 years, No contact with my ex for over a year. except for a couple of emails. 

Here is my dilemma, When married I traveled a lot, ran the family bus. and did pretty much everything to support everyone but myself. (I know DuH)... So I have no real hobbies, I am sociable but I do not have many close friends living near by. Lost most of them during my marriage. Ex did not live being social. So I did what she wanted. (another DUH)

I have never been single for a long period of time. My confidence in dating is non existent, Never really have had to date. 

I would really like to start dating again but have no clue how to or who to ask how. None the less how to ask someone out. I am a good guy, old fashioned, a gentleman, believe in treating people well, Hardly drink, am a director in the entertainment business. One thing is I am naive in this world. Sometime to literal I guess.

I am finding myself, but sometimes I think about contacting the ex and seeing if she is ok and talk, maybe ask her out. She was my closet friend. Would I want to get back together, yes and no. Not if it was the same though. 

Should I contact her? I want her to be ok, I was so used to taking care of her I can not tell if this just the result of a habit or just wanting to know why she will not talk to me or why she filed, never knew the actual reason. We talked about separating and then getting back together but then divorce papers showed up. 

I have no idea of how to proceed with this new single life in an area South of Seattle? I find this area to be a place where people are closed off ( the so called Seattle Freeze).. Where do you meet single woman and of course how do I?

I guess I am asking for opinions on how to proceed and what to do? and how to do it? Where to do it?


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## Pamvhv

What about starting with *******?


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## EleGirl

It's usually not a good idea to try to rekindle things with an ex. They are an ex for a reason.

You might want to try Find your people - Meetup It's not a dating site. Organizations/groups post things that they plan. all you need to do is to show up. There will always be people like you who are looking to make new friends.

Don't start out just looking for women to date. Start out looking to build a circle of friends who like to do the same things that you like to do.


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## Pamvhv

We have a thing here called Events and Adventures where groups of singles do really cool activities of things I've always wanted to try like paintball or hiking Mt. Diablo.


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## dajam

Pamvhv said:


> What about starting with *******?


I was out on this site and I found it frustrating as you get slammed with lots of BS. More than I want to deal with. I can only imagine what a good looking girl would go though. I also was on a couple of other sites, it seems that all of this is so superficial. I have sent emails and contacted what sites deemed as great matches 85% plus (playing statistics, LOL). Not even a return, frustrating yes, but I get it. So I do not worry about. Just move on. I am a positive person for the most part, so that is what it is. 

Thanks


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## dajam

EleGirl said:


> It's usually not a good idea to try to rekindle things with an ex. They are an ex for a reason.
> 
> You might want to try Find your people - Meetup It's not a dating site. Organizations/groups post things that they plan. all you need to do is to show up. There will always be people like you who are looking to make new friends.
> 
> Don't start out just looking for women to date. Start out looking to build a circle of friends who like to do the same things that you like to do.


Yes I get that, however I have know her for over 30 years. I may reach out one more time just for closure for myself.. (have to think about this though.) 

I like your idea though, however there is multiple challenges, time being the biggest. I work on a very remote reservation and it is two hours away from a metropolitan area. (not en excuse just a challenge) I will look into it. I think it is a fabulous idea. 

Funny, I am social so this is a solid way to move forwards and I thank you for that. Great idea.


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## WolverineFan

Hey man - I understand where you are at. I have been divorced for five years and I still have not found any person that I am truly interested in dating. The best place to find a compatible person in today's world is through the various on-line dating sights. There are issues with this approach, of course, but it is a great way to find someone with similar ideologies as yourself.

Should or shouldn't you try to contact your ex-wife? There is no right or wrong answer. If you have the desire to do so - why not? Marriage is a deep and significant connection that is not easily broken. If you keep your expectations low the possibility of getting hurt again are not as prevalent. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## dajam

WolverineFan said:


> Hey man - I understand where you are at. I have been divorced for five years and I still have not found any person that I am truly interested in dating. The best place to find a compatible person in today's world is through the various on-line dating sights. There are issues with this approach, of course, but it is a great way to find someone with similar ideologies as yourself.
> 
> Should or shouldn't you try to contact your ex-wife? There is no right or wrong answer. If you have the desire to do so - why not? Marriage is a deep and significant connection that is not easily broken. If you keep your expectations low the possibility of getting hurt again are not as prevalent. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Valid points both of them. Dating sites are with in reason. Not my cup of tea, undoubtedly worth utilizing. 

However as far as the ex goes, I have no expectations of getting back with her. Even if I did there would have to be significant changes on both sides hence we are divorced. I am making plenty of changes for the better. This is one thing I have learned in the last two years. I am a continuous learner, so change for me is always occurring. 

Now as far as M-GO-Blue. I am from near Ann Arbor.. Right On.


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## bandit.45

Are you in good shape? If not hit the gym and work out four days a week. Go for a jog every evening. Eat only good, healthy foods. Cut out sugar and junk food.

Are you we'll groomed? Get your hair done nicely and get the teeth worked on if you need to.

Do you dress well? If you buy your clothes at K-Mart and ACE Hardware then the answer is no. Once you get in shape, go to a reputable clothing store like Kohls or Macy's, go to the men's section and find a FEMALE salesperson, about early to mid twenties, and ask her to help,you pick out a wardrobe that a woman would like to see a man wear. Don't try to pick out your own clothes because, like me and other men, you are a fashion ignoramus.

The reason I mention doing all these things is, if you do the above, you will feel better, look better, your personal self esteem will skyrocket, you will carry yourself with more self assuredness around women, and you really won't need to go on dating sites because the women you run into every day will start flirting with you and will pursue you. 

Self confidence is what attracts a woman. If you don't have that, you won't get one.


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## dajam

bandit.45 said:


> Are you in good shape? If not hit the gym and work out four days a week. Go for a jog every evening. Eat only good, healthy foods. Cut out sugar and junk food.
> 
> Are you we'll groomed? Get your hair done nicely and get the teeth worked on if you need to.
> 
> Do you dress well? If you buy your clothes at K-Mart and ACE Hardware then the answer is no. Once you get in shape, go to a reputable clothing store like Kohls or Macy's, go to the men's section and find a FEMALE salesperson, about early to mid twenties, and ask her to help,you pick out a wardrobe that a woman would like to see a man wear. Don't try to pick out your own clothes because, like me and other men, you are a fashion ignoramus.
> 
> The reason I mention doing all these things is, if you do the above, you will feel better, look better, your personal self esteem will skyrocket, you will carry yourself with more self assuredness around women, and you really won't need to go on dating sites because the women you run into every day will start flirting with you and will pursue you.
> 
> Self confidence is what attracts a woman. If you don't have that, you won't get one.


Yes I agree, I have been doing most of this, but I am in the process of doing more and more. I am confident but damn busy all of the time. However, I am in discussion with the CEO of our company to change my hours so I can get to the gym in the early, early AM. Already lost some weight and am working on more. 

Just had my first wax job to remove some unwanted hair...lol... Maria, (my wax gal) also mentioned that I should join her gym as there were plenty of singles there, best of all I can walk there from my apartment.


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## WolverineFan

It sounds like you have a good grasp of where you are at. Good luck as you move forward.

As far as our beloved Michigan goes - can we just beat Sparty and Ohio - please!

Blessings!


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## Hardtohandle

What do you mean about the BS with ******* ? Which I would guess is on par with Plenty of Fish. I am pretty sure the same person owns them both anyways.

Look in the end its all about numbers and experience. If you never do it, you get no experience. 

Numbers meaning numerous attempts at dating and meeting people and not actual phone numbers.

You just have to suck it up and do it. Trust me I know its hard, been there and done that.. But it really builds your confidence. 

Don't call your Ex.. Your an intelligent man and I don't need to explain why.. 

My simple question is what are you going to do when a man answers the phone ? 

What are you going to do if she just blows you off and tells you to move on ? Though you expected her to be nice and civil to you. 

I can read lonely guy through your whole post. 

I can tell you if you got good responses back from ******* then that is great. I can recall for me it took like 20 messages to maybe get back one response. 

Yes women get inundated on those sites. I seen my G.F. inbox on Plenty of Fish.. It was depressing that she could get what seemed to be 100 messages if they seen her online. I've seen men begging to meet her.. Just give me one chance to meet you.. Give me one shot I promise I can convince you to go out with me where the things that men would say. 

It took me 2 months and 2 messages to reach her *( 2 messages was my limit to any person )* as my first message seemed to get lost in the mass of other messages the first time around.

Nonetheless trust me women are dying to meet a nice normal guy. They are just so shellshocked from meeting d0uchebags that they can be a bit gun shy at first.


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## dajam

Hardtohandle said:


> What do you mean about the BS with ******* ? Which I would guess is on par with Plenty of Fish. I am pretty sure the same person owns them both anyways.
> 
> Look in the end its all about numbers and experience. If you never do it, you get no experience.
> 
> Numbers meaning numerous attempts at dating and meeting people and not actual phone numbers.
> 
> You just have to suck it up and do it. Trust me I know its hard, been there and done that.. But it really builds your confidence.
> 
> Don't call your Ex.. Your an intelligent man and I don't need to explain why..
> 
> My simple question is what are you going to do when a man answers the phone ?
> 
> What are you going to do if she just blows you off and tells you to move on ? Though you expected her to be nice and civil to you.
> 
> I can read lonely guy through your whole post.
> 
> I can tell you if you got good responses back from ******* then that is great. I can recall for me it took like 20 messages to maybe get back one response.
> 
> Yes women get inundated on those sites. I seen my G.F. inbox on Plenty of Fish.. It was depressing that she could get what seemed to be 100 messages if they seen her online. I've seen men begging to meet her.. Just give me one chance to meet you.. Give me one shot I promise I can convince you to go out with me where the things that men would say.
> 
> It took me 2 months and 2 messages to reach her *( 2 messages was my limit to any person )* as my first message seemed to get lost in the mass of other messages the first time around.
> 
> Nonetheless trust me women are dying to meet a nice normal guy. They are just so shellshocked from meeting d0uchebags that they can be a bit gun shy at first.



Well I think the dating sites are sort of like catalog shopping, however I do get it. This is all part of my learning curve. Funny and messed up in a good way. 

Plain and simple I have to step up. I do like challenges and this is one. So bring it on.

As far as calling the ex. I think about it at times, maybe at a 75/25 split... leaning to not call. Sometimes it is hard to give up on a LTR. so yes, I may at times come off as lonely. 

As far as the ex goes. If she is happy good for her and if a guy picked up the phone so be it. 

No matter what I will be fine, I know this. 

I have no expectations of any relationship with her... I do have one question to ask her though if we ever talk. "Why did she put my dog down and why not tell me?" He was only 4.5 year old GSD. He was an awesome dog.. Some may think this is a hidden reason to talk to her but no.. I am just totally pissed about it. Would like to kick her in the butt. 

You have a good point about 100's of messages, as my friend Ingrid gets plenty of them.. I have seen some also.. It is messed up what these guys say. 

I will be fine and I will get a new girl. I am just not going to push it, It will happen as I am a good guy. Get my act together and get busy living. 

Thanks for the push.


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## dajam

WolverineFan said:


> It sounds like you have a good grasp of where you are at. Good luck as you move forward.
> 
> As far as our beloved Michigan goes - can we just beat Sparty and Ohio - please!
> 
> Blessings!


Thanks... I appreciate it.


As far as Moo U and Ohio.. it will happen in the future. You can bet on that.. lol...


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## whitehawk

l have similar stuff going on.
19yrs together all up , mostly friends on her side. split close 2yrs all up and d.
Our house sold and l've just moved over to the coast but it's small. l love it here but outa season or sun there's nothing going on but it is also very close to my daughter which was another big thing.

l'm having a lot of trouble rebuilding . l've been on date sites a few mths and l've met plenty of women but finding one that hits the spots been the biggest thing, or when you do it's that one that's not interested .

lt's a damn tough call restarting. l'm thinking of going to the local pubs to play pool and hopefully meet a few people. There's no meet ups near by.
l too feel like ringing ex sometimes. We still see each other 2-3 times a wk picking up d and stuff but she's more on the separate life now than me . The split was her , l know all the reasons . Think l'm one of the lucky ones there.

Dating , l've only met one or two l even wanted to date myself. One wasn't game to risk more hurt , the other too young .
My biggest fear on all that is finding someone l want to date and that l'm attracted to too that's the thing , well after finding / meeting someone anyway.

No clue about talking to your ex , if it was me l'd just fkg ring mine and wtf happened with the dog , she'd tell me .
On the rest , huge question , all depends what broke you guys up. But yours sounds a bit like mine right now as if she's moved on .


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## poppyseed

whitehawk said:


> l'm having a lot of trouble rebuilding . l've been on date sites a few mths and l've met plenty of women but finding one that hits the spots been the biggest thing, or when you do it's that one that's not interested .



You would need to be self-sufficient full of other activities and interests (hobbies and such) as a solid and healthy foundation well before you would think about anything else..

My ex is one who always *needed* a relationship. But women these days particularly successfully and beautiful ones have a life of their own e.g. house, car, work, social life. These women shy away from men who seemingly come across as someone who needs too much "caring" from the very start. My ex is a successful and good looking guy but his neediness could put these independent women right off.

Not that I'm saying you are, whitehawk btw.


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> Yes I get that, however I have know her for over 30 years. I may reach out one more time just for closure for myself.. (have to think about this though.)


You say you had no idea why your ex divorced you or why your dog was put down in your posts. Do you think communication had been a major issue in your relationship?

My ex was one who always kept his thoughts to himself which created some serious problems and dire consequences. Why did they / your ex or mine do it? They most likely they didn't like us too much and they didn't want to dispense their energies / time communicating their intentions and action etc. It isn't a healthy "relationship" dynamic to be in for sure.

You must have some idea why your ex divorced you (?)-if you are not sure about something, I say, why not ask or even write a letter asking for an answer. You need to have a proper closure. Without knowing what made your ex divorce you in her words, it would be hard to move on. Your wife divorced you and she moved on. I don't think your ex has any grey area in her intention. But there are things you need to know and all you have to do is ask. Be upfront whilst you remain polite and respectful, I'm sure you will get an answer.


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## whitehawk

poppyseed said:


> You would need to be self-sufficient full of other activities and interests (hobbies and such) as a solid and healthy foundation well before you would think about anything else..
> 
> My ex is one who always *needed* a relationship. But women these days particularly successfully and beautiful ones have a life of their own e.g. house, car, work, social life. These women shy away from men who seemingly come across as someone who needs too much "caring" from the very start. My ex is a successful and good looking guy but his neediness could put these independent women right off.
> 
> Not that I'm saying you are, whitehawk btw.



Nah, l think that came across wrong. l'm a strong guy. lf you had any idea what l've done in my life or even since my break up, always been my own man but it's not about that really.
Most of the girls l've met have been in about the same place as me anyway or wanted something serious far moreso tbh . Me , l'd have to really think about anything serious anytime soon.

The main things been lack of choices tbh. There's plenty out there but as l was saying , someone that hits the spot , now that's another story .


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## whitehawk

poppyseed said:


> You say you had no idea why your ex divorced you or why your dog was put down in your posts. Do you think communication had been a major issue in your relationship?
> 
> My ex was one who always kept his thoughts to himself which created some serious problems and dire consequences. Why did they / your ex or mine do it? They most likely they didn't like us too much and they didn't want to dispense their energies / time communicating their intentions and action etc. It isn't a healthy "relationship" dynamic to be in for sure.
> 
> You must have some idea why your ex divorced you (?)-if you are not sure about something, I say, why not ask or even write a letter asking for an answer. You need to have a proper closure. Without knowing what made your ex divorce you in her words, it would be hard to move on. Your wife divorced you and she moved on. I don't think your ex has any grey area in her intention. But there are things you need to know and all you have to do is ask. Be upfront whilst you remain polite and respectful, I'm sure you will get an answer.



My ex was a very weird mix. She'd talk a brick out of a wall but when it came to personal or her problems , you first had to ask her or bring them up.
She wouldn't necessarily go off either if something was on her nerves like most girls. She'd more likely cover up unless you actually asked her first , she was weird like that.
We use to talk all night , but with issues , they had to actually come up first.

lt's always even still upsetting to know that l always knew , that side of her would cost us dearly one day and unfortunately it did. Because she basically covered up until the end , because it never came up.

l feel like l'm one of the lucky ones though because l know every detail of what's happened , why .

So needless to say , if there's ever gonna be another women then one thing's for sure, she better tell it like it is and be a straight shooter.


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## dajam

Well here is an interesting thing.

Since I was sort of thinking to reach out to my ex. Well she beat me to it. However it is with a list of items she wants....

Here is her message. 

Hi Dan, 
I am reaching out to you regarding assets we accumulated over the 30 years we were together which I would like to obtain. Attached is a list of the items. Please let me know when you will be available so I can make arrangements to pick them up."

I find it interesting that she made the original separation list of who gets what now, the second time around, she is asking for more. Not how are you or how you been. It has been almost a year since we last swapped an email. 

I wonder what she is thinking, I am tempted to say go Screw off, however I think it may be interesting to see how she is doing? I sort of think, she is panicing. 

My hunch is as she is now nearing being broke, as I gave her a ton of cash when we originally separated our assets. I am thinking she now she is missing the money I made. Which she took for granted. I do make more than her but I did not run out and buy a house,and will not until I get ahead financially. I was always good with money and realistic, 10 month emergency fund, Mutual funds, and other stashes of cash to use at a later date. She never grasped that concept 

However this does give me the opportunity to talk with her and get my total closure. I will now be able to talk blunt and not worry about ramifications. What she going to divorce me...lol.. 

As of right now, not sure how to tackle this one. SO I go to bed and wonder if she is going to want my furniture... also. lol


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## Rowan

How is your divorce agreement worded as to the division of marital property? Mine says plainly that anything that is in the possession of either spouse at the date of signing is thereafter that spouse's personal property. 

If yours is worded similarly, or contains a breakdown of the property granted to each spouse, I think I'd send your ex a politely worded "fvck off". Something to the effect of "All of the marital property has already been divided according to the tenets of our signed and recorded divorce decree. Should you desire to have any further items which are currently in my possession, please have your attorney contact mine about a revision to the decree."

But, hey, I'm just that way. YMMV. 

As to why she put your dog down without telling you? My vote is she did it because she's really just a very bad person. Even "not a dog person" people won't usually kill someone else's pet without good cause. That's just disturbing.


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## whitehawk

Rowan said:


> How is your divorce agreement worded as to the division of marital property? Mine says plainly that anything that is in the possession of either spouse at the date of signing is thereafter that spouse's personal property.
> 
> If yours is worded similarly, or contains a breakdown of the property granted to each spouse, I think I'd send your ex a politely worded "fvck off". Something to the effect of "All of the marital property has already been divided according to the tenets of our signed and recorded divorce decree. Should you desire to have any further items which are currently in my possession, please have your attorney contact mine about a revision to the decree."
> 
> But, hey, I'm just that way. YMMV.
> 
> As to why she put your dog down without telling you? My vote is she did it because she's really just a very bad person. Even "not a dog person" people won't usually kill someone else's pet without good cause. That's just disturbing.



Yeah the dog things weird , maybe she always hated it deep down or something .


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## COguy

sounds like contacting the ex would be a move based on your loneliness, a bad idea IMO. Try some hobbies. Meetup.com is a great tool for that, do some stuff that interests you even if it's awkward at first.

I got into dancing after my divorce, which was so much fun I wished I would have found it earlier. It's a great activity for meeting people in general, especially 50+ (I'm guessing that's your age based on your marriage length).


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## dajam

COguy said:


> sounds like contacting the ex would be a move based on your loneliness, a bad idea IMO. Try some hobbies. Meetup.com is a great tool for that, do some stuff that interests you even if it's awkward at first.
> 
> I got into dancing after my divorce, which was so much fun I wished I would have found it earlier. It's a great activity for meeting people in general, especially 50+ (I'm guessing that's your age based on your marriage length).


Yup 50+. but in a way I am lonley but not enough to pursue her. Not a path I would take. Id find it funny tht she reached out though. 

Having a LTR of this length, created a challenge of getting over it. However I am a good person who does care about others. My nature but I am first and foremost. I can handle anything that life has to offer. 

Dealing with her is not a problem for me as I did for years, so what the heck. If we do talk, which we will at some point, (she still is close to my mom) so it is going to happen at some point. I I would rather just get it out of the way and move forward. 

Giving her more is a funny problem. Still thinking that through.


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> I am finding myself, but sometimes I think about contacting the ex and seeing if she is ok and talk, maybe ask her out.
> 
> Should I contact her? I want her to be ok, I was so used to taking care of her I can not tell if this just the result of a habit or just wanting to know why she will not talk to me or why she filed, never knew the actual reason. We talked about separating and then getting back together but then divorce papers showed up.
> 
> I guess I am asking for opinions on how to proceed and what to do? and how to do it? Where to do it?


You know that "divorce papers" won't simply show up on its own? SHE sent you the divorce papers. Whatever her reasons for D were, they aren't going to be anything pleasant to hear. 

It's generally a bad idea to continue to have feelings for someone who dumped you. I agree with others. Just be careful not to be taken advantaged. She didn't reach out for "you" - she reached out to obtain materials she could take away from you. I'd be very wary of some character like your ex e.g. your dog.


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## dajam

poppyseed said:


> You know that "divorce papers" won't simply show up on its own? SHE sent you the divorce papers. Whatever her reasons for D were, they aren't going to be anything pleasant to hear.
> 
> It's generally a bad idea to continue to have feelings for someone who dumped you. I agree with others. Just be careful not to be taken advantaged. She didn't reach out for "you" - she reached out to obtain materials she could take away from you. I'd be very wary of some character like your ex e.g. your dog.


No Sheet... I get that (eyes opening) In a way it would be total and absolute closure. It is also me being Naive and, for lack of better term, dumb. It is me always looking for the good in everything and at the positive then forgetting about the dark side, as that was baggage I was glad to get rid of. 

Come to think about it. I am where I am because of this. 

On a good note the workouts start next week and by this time in few months I will be 20lbs lighter and smoke free. ( my worst vice)


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> It is also me being Naive and, for lack of better term, dumb. It is me always looking for the good in everything and at the positive then forgetting about the dark side, as that was baggage I was glad to get rid of.
> 
> Come to think about it. I am where I am because of this.
> 
> On a good note the workouts start next week and by this time in few months I will be 20lbs lighter and smoke free. ( my worst vice)


Hi dajam

I don't know how your wife was in your marriage. I wondered if there was someone else in the background. 

I often say this. It's cruel of someone to dump his or her spouse in their 50s. I know it hurts to have D at any other age groups but the energy level is definitely significantly lower in 50s than when someone is in his/her 30s/40s. 

Sounds like you were a good "caretaker" in your marriage. You cared and you gave. You compromised and went along to do things to please your ex. Unfortunately, there are people who take advantage of someone's good nature like that. 

Good luck with your new life. You would be surprised to know how good it will eventually feel. Be more selfish and please yourself. Don't allow anyone to walk all over you. You aren't a doormat. You are a good man.


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## dajam

poppyseed said:


> Hi dajam
> 
> I don't know how your wife was in your marriage. I wondered if there was someone else in the background.
> 
> I often say this. It's cruel of someone to dump his or her spouse in their 50s. I know it hurts to have D at any other age groups but the energy level is definitely significantly lower in 50s than when someone is in his/her 30s/40s.
> 
> Sounds like you were a good "caretaker" in your marriage. You cared and you gave. You compromised and went along to do things to please your ex. Unfortunately, there are people who take advantage of someone's good nature like that.
> 
> Good luck with your new life. You would be surprised to know how good it will eventually feel. Be more selfish and please yourself. Don't allow anyone to walk all over you. You aren't a doormat. You are a good man.


I have to laugh, energy. Hmm, what is that? I have two new staff and plenty of other employees that I can run circles around, I look 10 to 15 years younger than I am and can keep up with most 30/40 year olds... Expect for that fact sometimes I just do not get their general attitude about work and relationships. Relationships appear to be so disposable in this "new age day in age". 

Yes I was a caretaker, for my family and hers, I have always known that, it is a big breath of fresh air for me now. I used to run my family business, Help my mom with her business after my dad died, work a full time job, take care of my mom, her mom, her alcoholic brothers, and other things also. 

I went to an IC once after during this D and she was impressed as hell at the fact, that I was under a minimum of 5 + major life stressors and was doing great. (job lay off, seperation/divorce, godchild's suicide, battle with cancer, selling my house, moving, and a couple of other's).... She said it was remarkable that I did not shoot myself, most folks would totally collapse. 

When I look back at it I was friggin superman, now I have time for me. Yes being D'd after 30 years suck, but it is a vacation also. I am focusing on myself and what I want. 

I know I am strong, and caring, and good, I am a catch for any woman, as I am first american born 1/2 Italian and 1/2 Brazilian, loaded with energy and passion and most of all "integrity". 

BTW, My ex was caught in an outhouse with another guy at a neighborhood outside party back in the day, (2005). Well his wife actually opened the door and they were there together. I do not want to know anything more about that never did. 

I should have bailed then, however it is what it is. My commitment and values.... Marriage vows, for better for worse, I take all this seriously. I only want one girl in my life and that is all I ever wanted. And for your cynics out there not my mom...


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## SamuraiJack

Personally, I would not even dignify her request with an answer.
You dont need to gain closure.
She already gave it to you by being with another man.
It sounds like integrity is important to you.
Do you think she has changed?

Unless the asset has some sentimental reason behind it, she should have asked for it in the original divorce...not two years after the fact.

This is an opportunity for you to NOT step back.


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## dajam

SamuraiJack said:


> Personally, I would not even dignify her request with an answer.
> You dont need to gain closure.
> She already gave it to you by being with another man.
> It sounds like integrity is important to you.
> Do you think she has changed?
> 
> Unless the asset has some sentimental reason behind it, she should have asked for it in the original divorce...not two years after the fact.
> 
> This is an opportunity for you to NOT step back.


Well, I have to laugh about her request. Although it is a serious issue and one I do not take lightly. 

30 years is a long time to give up. There will always be a hole in my heart that will never be filled. However, I am good with that, as I never thought I would be where I am now, and as I said I am good with this. 

She can have most of what she wants, we are going to talk about it. However it is her call, and she has to come to me. I am not going to change anything in my life to rearrange my schedule for her. She will have to put forth the effort and accommodate my life. 

Material crap is material crap. Not a big deal. If I do meet with her, it will be interesting to see if she has changed. Either way I am my own person now. I have a life and it is good. 

Bring it on... lol... Beeotch


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## poppyseed

SamuraiJack said:


> .
> You dont need to gain closure.
> She already gave it to you by being with another man.
> It sounds like integrity is important to you
> 
> This is an opportunity for you to NOT step back.


Who knows? Knowing she was someone who cheated on and found out once. Her husband did not make a huge issue out of this "one off" betrayal as he was so incredibly forgiving..

There were possibly other times when she had cheated on? 

It's not a pleasant topic but there's always a possibility of other events for someone who happened to be found out once.


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## dajam

poppyseed said:


> Who knows? Knowing she was someone who cheated on and found out once. Her husband did not make a huge issue out of this "one off" betrayal as he was so incredibly forgiving..
> 
> There were possibly other times when she had cheated on?
> 
> It's not a pleasant topic but there's always a possibility of other events for someone who happened to be found out once.


Ouch, Never thought about that.... I was a person, who for years who traveled extensively in the US, gone for, what most would say extended periods of time. typicality a month minimum at a times or more. Road Meat... lol.

Other cheating, I would hope that was not the case.. Never will know... do want to know.. lol... If you know what I mean. 

forgiving, yes, was I hurt? hell yes, was I pissed? yes, However I can only move forward an be positive. I can live with who I am and I am good with that, can't control anything but myself. 

My whole life I was brought up and taught to believe in the institution of marriage... (for lack of a better term) I made the choice and I stuck to it and will again in the future. One woman one man... simple.


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> forgiving, yes, was I hurt? hell yes, was I pissed? yes, However I can only move forward an be positive. I can live with who I am and I am good with that, can't control anything but myself.


I know what you mean. But unfortunately, there are men and women who would think if someone had forgiven them easily, they are allowed to continue to cheat. In my next relationship, once I was cheated on, I will move on. I think there's a pattern, once you forgive someone, cheaters tend to think it's ok to cheat again as they did not pay the price.


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## dajam

poppyseed said:


> I know what you mean. But unfortunately, there are men and women who would think if someone had forgiven them easily, they are allowed to continue to cheat. In my next relationship, once I was cheated on, I will move on. I think there's a pattern, once you forgive someone, cheaters tend to think it's ok to cheat again as they did not pay the price.


I doubt she ever cheated other that the one time. Well I would like to believe that as it serves no real purpose at this point to think otherwise. 

Well one thing for sure when I see/talk to the ex.. I definitely will have closure and I will be glad to get that out of my head. As it does rear up once in a while. 

In hindsight I should of went after a girl I worked with in Charleston while on the road... She was awesome....however hindsight. lol 

I do believe by forgiving did set a standard of sorts but that also reflects the morals one has if you they advantage.

All I know that I start my new exercise nutrition plan on Monday time to get back to me.


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## Fenix

dajam said:


> Yes I agree, I have been doing most of this, but I am in the process of doing more and more. I am confident but damn busy all of the time. However, I am in discussion with the CEO of our company to change my hours so I can get to the gym in the early, early AM. Already lost some weight and am working on more.
> 
> Just had my first wax job to remove some unwanted hair...lol... Maria, (my wax gal) also mentioned that I should join her gym as there were plenty of singles there, best of all I can walk there from my apartment.


Just a note: plenty of women don't mind hair.  Good advice on updating yourself and getting in shape though.

First off, stop with the DUHs. It is insulting both to yourself and your ex. It is also a negative behavior. 

Next, check out Seattle's meetup.com I have a friend who just went through a divorce and she has met a ton of nice people through the clubs/activities. Plus, it is almost free (unlike events and adventures). Keep with the online dating sites if you start having fun, but don't take them too seriously.

Finally, get a puppy.


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## EnjoliWoman

Lots of good ideas - you may also want to consider a dating service. They can make introductions. Meet ups are great but you may have a hard time meeting someone your age that way - no offense. I'm 46 and find they tend to be 30-somethings.


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## dajam

Fenix said:


> Just a note: plenty of women don't mind hair.  Good advice on updating yourself and getting in shape though.
> 
> First off, stop with the DUHs. It is insulting both to yourself and your ex. It is also a negative behavior.
> 
> Next, check out Seattle's meetup.com I have a friend who just went through a divorce and she has met a ton of nice people through the clubs/activities. Plus, it is almost free (unlike events and adventures). Keep with the online dating sites if you start having fun, but don't take them too seriously.
> 
> Finally, get a puppy.


Yes, advice taken However, , the duh's are not negative in my mind they are just me poking fun at my self.. Not to brag or be high on oneself I am smart..One thing I am learning, which in the past i never did is, is not to follow my first gut feeling or as some cal lit "soul".... 

I will check out the Seattle and Portland meetup thing. Since I live near the middle of them..


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## dajam

EnjoliWoman said:


> Lots of good ideas - you may also want to consider a dating service. They can make introductions. Meet ups are great but you may have a hard time meeting someone your age that way - no offense. I'm 46 and find they tend to be 30-somethings.


Funny, it seems that most of the people I am meeting are in the 30's and 40's... Most folks my age are so set in there ways, it sort of freaks me out. I do not look at all how old I am. (what ever that means) 

I know two girls that have interest and one is 36 and the other is 37. Heck one of the fathers keeps pushing to ask her out. Sort of freaky I am closer to his age then his daughter... However I have know them both for over 4 years. So it is cool...


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## dajam

dajam said:


> I found this site and it created interest .
> I am finding myself, but sometimes I think about contacting the ex and seeing if she is ok and talk, maybe ask her out. She was my closet friend. Would I want to get back together, yes and no. Not if it was the same though.
> 
> Should I contact her? I want her to be ok, I was so used to taking care of her I can not tell if this just the result of a habit or just wanting to know why she will not talk to me or why she filed, never knew the actual reason. We talked about separating and then getting back together but then divorce papers showed up. ?



Well Karma came a knocking, my ex sends me an email asking for me to give her "more" of "our" stuff. She played the 30 year card and said what she was asking was reasonable... Being the new person who I am, I asked if she would like to have a discussion as this is reaching out =, since I have not had any contact for many months, previous to that just a couple of emails. In an email of course as she said she would like to have a sit down.. 

Well this morning it was let me know when you have a date and time set up for me to pick the stuff up...

Really? this is the second time she has asked for stuff after we separated. NOT. going to happen. I may give her a few boxes of crap I do not want and she can open them up at home. ..Surprise... lol..


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> Well Karma came a knocking, my ex sends me an email asking for me to give her "more" of "our" stuff. She played the 30 year card and said what she was asking was reasonable... Being the new person who I am, I asked if she would like to have a discussion as this is reaching out =, since I have not had any contact for many months, previous to that just a couple of emails. In an email of course as she said she would like to have a sit down..
> 
> Well this morning it was let me know when you have a date and time set up for me to pick the stuff up...
> 
> Really? this is the second time she has asked for stuff after we separated. NOT. going to happen. I may give her a few boxes of crap I do not want and she can open them up at home. ..Surprise... lol..


I'm guessing she probably broke up with one of her BFs and is simply giving you some BS to pass her time and feed her ego. If you allow it, she keeps coming back begging for more (e.g.HER stuff) left in your house whenever it suits her.


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