# Looking For Some Advice



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

A brief piece of history.

Growing up my best friend was this girl. We met at a Christian camp and had this unbelievably volatile chemistry. We cared for each other deeply. We would talk to each other about everything, boyfriends/girlfriends we were with, problems we were encountering, fears and expectations of life. There was always a deep attraction and pull between us but we were afraid to ruin what we had- we never dated, we never even kissed. When I was a senior in High School I finally put it all on the line. I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her. That I knew she loved me too and I wanted to get a shot at us, that we'd always regret it if we didn't. I then gave her this beautiful diamond bracelet that cost me $800.00, which for a kid working at Burger King, is a lot of money.

She was already knee deep in love with someone else at the time. I didn't know it but they were pretty serious. She told me no, that we would always be friends, but that she couldn't be with me. 

I was devastated. I tried to hold it together until she said goodnight, and then I broke down driving home. After that I got angry. We went to the same university after high school so I got an eyeful of them together which drove me insane. At some point she asked me how I was doing and I went off on her. I called her a *****, that she had broken my heart and that I wished I had never met her. She got pissed at me and stopped talking to me altogether. 

Her boyfriend and I were in the same dorm, and as we got to know each other I realized he truly was a good guy. He was always magnanimous about taking the girl I always wanted. He never rubbed it in my face. He would always be very humble and kind to me. A good, wholesome man. I came to accept the situation and even applauded her for her choice. I'm chaotic, he was stable. I came to a point where I truly wished her well. I cared for her, and wanted what was best for her. I told her that, apologized for my appalling behavior, and moved on in my life. 

I very rarely ever thought of her, or them, or us. I got over it. 

And then about a week ago, she called me out of the blue.

Just started talking to me. Asking me how I'm doing. How she was wondering how I am. How she was sorry she wasn't there for me during my divorce, etc. How I look really good these days. Have I seen this movie. Have I heard this song. We caught up, had some laughs and said goodbye. 

She contacted me again, on Farcebook. Again, questions. I ask her what's wrong. She stammers and says she regrets the way things ended between us. She admits to me that she led me on. I was backup, I guess. The one guy who would always be there for her, she feels like she used me. I tell her it's really fine, that I'm okay. I've been to hell and back a few times, High School drama isn't really anything I fret over these days. 

She contacts me again and tells me what I've dreaded, the thing I hoped to never hear but I knew she was eventually going to say. 

She tells me she made a mistake. That she wishes she had given us a shot and that she's been pining for me since *2002*. 

Wat.

I'm upset. She tells me she still has the bracelet. I ask her about her husband. She tells me she loves him but she's thinking about me a lot. She has unresolved feelings for me. I don't know why she's telling me this but it's making me feel really, really weird. I thank her for her honesty but ask her why now? She said she just had to get it off her chest. She and I are continuing to talk to see what exactly is the deal here.

It is clear to me that she is highly attracted to me, and if I am being honest, I can feel that attraction washing over me, affecting me. I'm flattered. I feel attractive. And then I feel sick. I got angry and spewed everything, *everything* I have learned from this place right at her. I told her to tell me about her amazing husband. Her three beautiful children she has with him. I tell her that he is at a distinct disadvantage here because she only gets to see me in my glory- she doesn't have to see my imperfections which are many. I tell her he doesn't even know he's competing for her affections now. I tell her every moment she spends thinking about or talking to me, she's taking away from her loving husband. She admits that she's starting to get annoyed with him, and fantasizing about me. I tell her that's because she has the fugging fog. 

I'm winded, and I unload all of it on her. She acknowledges all, dismisses nothing. Says I'm absolutely right, and then calmly tells me that she feels what she feels. She's sorry she's turning my life upside down and now she's sorry she told me. But her feelings remain. 

I feel like I'm an oak but I can hear the hinges creaking. I had a dream about her last night. 

I know what I need to do. Or to be more precise, I know exactly what I need not to do. I would like some additional accountability. I talked to my family and girlfriend about this. I will never cuckold this guy. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted. 

Help.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Cut off all contact.

You know all the reasons, but do you want us to spell them out for you?

She treated you as she treated you, she kept the bracelet (?) and now she plans to cheat on her husband and kids with you. I don't like her as much as you do....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> A brief piece of history.
> 
> Growing up my best friend was this girl. We met at a Christian camp and had this unbelievably volatile chemistry. We cared for each other deeply. We would talk to each other about everything, boyfriends/girlfriends we were with, problems we were encountering, fears and expectations of life. There was always a deep attraction and pull between us but we were afraid to ruin what we had- we never dated, we never even kissed. When I was a senior in High School I finally put it all on the line. I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her. That I knew she loved me too and I wanted to get a shot at us, that we'd always regret it if we didn't. I then gave her this beautiful diamond bracelet that cost me $800.00, which for a kid working at Burger King, is a lot of money.
> 
> ...


Good for you. Stay strong. Tell her to come here. She may well cheat on her husband and children with someone else. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do not be the person she cheats on her family with. She blew you off but kept the bracelet. Nice girl. 

If she will do this to her family now. What will she do to you in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

She'll make you feel as good as the next guy. Dream about her,feel good about her, be flattered, thats perfectly fine. But, don't let her in your life. I agree, cut all communication. This can lead no where good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Cut off contact with her completely. Block emails, phone calls, defriend her on facebook. Once again she still sees you as her back up, her Plan B, only this time she outright admitted it. She's married and unhappy, you're attached and pining for someone who clearly doesn't value you as much as you value her.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I am a bit surprised you find it necessary to ask. If you are feeling charitable, maybe show her this site, suggest she read through stories of wrecked marriages and families, and then figure out what she wants to do.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Just suppose she chose you back then and you both got married and had kids together. Then years later she starts to wonder about what could 've been with her ex bf. She starts facebooking with the other man behind your back. How would you feel???? Don't be that guy. Leave her alone and let her focus on her family.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It's darn hard ignoring a woman that you could so easily love and that you feel a deep connection with, but make this your aim in life for the next however many years it takes.

If you could truly love her - as opposed to lust after her - then you will do all to protect her marriage.

That means not even telling her about the agony you are going through. This is where then men are disgtinguished from the boys.

A man will walk way and not say a word to her. Tell her you will support her marriage but do not tell her you want her.

A boy would dive in and get some behind her poor husband's back.

Good for you for doing the right thing.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> A brief piece of history.
> 
> Growing up my best friend was this girl. We met at a Christian camp and had this unbelievably volatile chemistry. We cared for each other deeply. We would talk to each other about everything, boyfriends/girlfriends we were with, problems we were encountering, fears and expectations of life. There was always a deep attraction and pull between us but we were afraid to ruin what we had- we never dated, we never even kissed. When I was a senior in High School I finally put it all on the line. I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her. That I knew she loved me too and I wanted to get a shot at us, that we'd always regret it if we didn't. I then gave her this beautiful diamond bracelet that cost me $800.00, which for a kid working at Burger King, is a lot of money.
> 
> ...


I can tell from what you say that you are dying for a shot with her but know it is wrong. Do not be the one that tears her family apart. In the long run she will resent you for it even though it will be her fault. Once her marriage ends in divorce (if it does) then you actually have a shot at a relationship with her. If you become the reason for the divorce, her husband will want to kill you, she will feel like a bad person when with you and her kids will learn to hate you. That is what will happen, and I know that does not fit the fantasy you have in your head. Let go of the fantasy, tell her you care about her well being and that you only wish to talk to her again if she is single, not separated... single. Be fair to your self. Realize how wrong what she is doing is and take a hard look at who she is today versus what you thought of her before


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

As others told you, you need to cut off all contact. The fact that you talked to her back and forth clearly shows at a minimum you never got over her and that a part of you wants to be with her again. 

Did you ever tell her that you wished things would be different too? If not, then I think you have an excellent shot to nip this in the bud. Even if it's a lie, tell her that you are a different person and that you no longer have feelings for her in that way. Then tell her that she makes you feel awkward because you do not feel the same way and that you will no longer talk to her.

I realize this is a lie, but it's the right thing to do. It helps out who you got to learn was a good man plus it saves you some self respect and dignity for not falling for a girl that did in fact use you as a fall back plan.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

First, your feelings are fairly common. Second, There was never real closure for you. Third, an old flame contacting you is also very common.

You are single, available, and she is in a terrible state with her husband, either real or imagined, and has gone back in her history.

Be flattered that she contacted you and now wants to make things right. Bask in that flattery. You won what you lost. You are now the victor and she has seen the error of her ways.

Are you done flattering yourself? Because this therapy session is over and your homework assignment is to drop her like a bad bowel movement and flush.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

The love of my life is married, end of story.

If he is ever divorced or widowed, maybe he will look me up.

If the love of my life wanted to hook-up with me while he was married, I would lose a huge amount of respect for him.

Tell her if she ever decides to divorce her husband, to give you a call but contacting you while married is a bad idea.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

V, don't be that man. If you have learned anything from coming here and reading the horrors that BS's go through, you can't in good conscience do that. This woman is fishing and turns to you for validation she may or may not be getting at home. There are plenty of single and divorced people out there that could benefit from your attention etc... instead of someone who is a committed relationship, with children. IMHO, you don't want the guilt of destroying a family, because you have held a torch for someone for a long time. Move on, if she does divorce then you can proceed. Also I would lose respect for her in the first place for doing what she is doing. Not cool of her. Just my two pennies. Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Be so grateful you didn't marry her. She would definitely be unfaithful.

Stop contact. Don't be the man who helped her ruin her marriage. Personally, I'd somehow contact her husband and let him know what she's up to. He deserves to know the truth.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Man, that sucks. But the good thing is that you are HERE, and you DO know what the right thing is to do. The sucky part is that your flesh is wanting something that your mind knows isn't a good thing. Helluva battle inside. 

Stay strong, look elsewhere.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The first mistake you made my man, way back when, was becoming this chicks "girlfriend" when there was chemistry. The second was being the first to tell her you love her. (and right out the blue) You're never the first to say, "I love you". 
Here's your problem now. She's coming after you and youre now a real challenge. Basically, telling her you're not interested because of her husband was a brilliant move if you were trying to get her, which I think is in the back of your mind. Rejecting her advances at this early stage is a sure fire way to get her to chase you more.
If you want to stop this, do like many say and cut of contact completely. With your mindset, she's the spider and your'e the fly, make no mistake about it. It like my cousin would say, "dat boy don let dat gator led him so far in de swamp, he's now way in over his head."
Personally, reading between the lines, I don't think you're going to be able to walk away. Sounds like she had you with that first call.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Chris989 said:


> It's darn hard ignoring a woman that you could so easily love and that you feel a deep connection with, but make this your aim in life for the next however many years it takes.
> 
> *If you could truly love her - as opposed to lust after her - then you will do all to protect her marriage.
> *
> ...



This is true love.

Really excellent post that spoke to me.

You are SPOT ON.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vanguard,

Your wife cheated on you> Don't be that guy. You already know what it feels like to be on the receiving end. Step away, hard as it is.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Major kudos on owning your vulnerability and temptation, and seeking accountability.

You've got it, but you already know what to do. You may be creaking a bit, but you're still an oak.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Stand up and be an honorable man. The word 'honor' is too little used by many people. Be a man who lives it. Break off contact with her immediately and keep moving on with your life.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

This is one drama queen you can do without. 

It always seems to start with how bored and dissatisfied they are in their marriages. 

Standard reply: I am not your Therapist. Goodbye.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Talk about killing old dreams and first love fantasies, talk about falling from the pedestal.
She admits played you back then and keep openly fishing for an affair on a good guy despite you tell her to stop!! You clearly dodged a bullet. This is who she was all the time, not what you saw with your teen age eyes and mind. Her marriage is still fresh!!

NC letter, including treatening her of forwading the evidence to BH is she doesn't honor your request.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> I know what I need to do. Or to be more precise, I know exactly what I need not to do. I would like some additional accountability. I talked to my family and girlfriend about this. I will never cuckold this guy. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted.
> 
> Help.


Van, it's good that you came here, but you also KNOW what we're all going to say. We've said it. What has it done for you? Has it helped? What are you going to do now? What would you do differently if you didn't have the life experiences, and shared experiences you've helped with on TAM? What will make Vanguard feel validated?

We are the sum of our decisions. What do you add up to?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Vanguard said:


> It is clear to me that she is highly attracted to me


No, it's clear she's looking for an affair and she thought of you first because you seemed like the easiest to con.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And a nice girl wouldn't have accepted the bracelet in the first place.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Well she spoke to my mother this morning, which is good. I didn't think she would call her, but she did, and told her the situation. She told me that she has been harboring these feelings for a long time, and they're not going to be killed right away. She begged me not to cut off contact. 

I don't really know if I'm making this clear- this isn't just a woman, this is a family friend, someone I loved dearly, and someone everyone wanted me to end up with, and continued to love even after we didn't get together. 

You will be tempted to think me too soft when I tell you that it is extremely difficult to cut her off completely. She is begging me, sobbing, pleading with me not to. I told her, commanding her. I told her we cannot be just friends. If we foster a friendship it will grow into something else. It can't level out- it will either die, or continue to grow. 

She's saying some things that definitely cause my ego to swell. But I told her I'm taking a step back. She wants to come down in October and I think I'm going to make myself unavailable at that time. 

Again, I won't presume to fool anyone and say this isn't affecting me, because it is. I'm usually all for the truth but this is one occasion where I just wish she hadn't told me. I was a lot happier before I knew she's been wanting me for a decade.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She hasn't been 'wanting' you for a decade.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She wants you to come down where in October? To hang out with her and her husband/family? Its really weird she's involving your mother/family. You have a girlfriend now, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She wants you to come down where in October? To hang out with her and her husband/family? Its really weird she's involving your mother/family. You have a girlfriend now, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let me clarify. 

She wants to come down to my neck of the woods. I was the one who suggested she speak to my mother because my mom is probably the wisest, kindest and yet unflinchingly moral people to live. She now knows what's going on, which gives more accountability to me and my friend. 

Yes I have a girlfriend and I told her about what's going on- she's amazing and has said she trusts me to do the right thing. If my friend isn't able to keep herself in check, I'm breaking contact for good.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I think her husband needs to know about this.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

"She admits to me that she led me on. I was backup, I guess."

It's not nice to say, but...

You were the backup then and the backup now.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

She needs counseling. She is married, calls a guy's mom to advertise her willingness to cheat, and wants to schedule a future date. Oh and she is blubbering and pleading for contact. Yeah, really stable.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

AS the Robot used to say on "Lost in Space" "DANGER, DANGER, WILL ROBINSON."

You need to take a step back and breath. 

Okay,

You have been on this site and have seen and experienced what infidelity does to the BS.

You are thinking now, "If, Only." and are feeling the pull of the Fantasy that you believe it would have been. ie. everyone thought you were suited for one another, everyone wanted you to be together. 

It did not happen. "IF ONLY" that Bell has been rung and is no longer there.

On here a lot of people talk about the "FOG". You are now in a "FOG" . You have a GF, do not do to her what WS do to others

She is a mother, a wife and she is talking about time with you she is on the verge or already is in an "EA" with you. You may not think so but unless you go NC you are doing to your her husband what others have done.

Walk away now. 

You know what is right. 

Peter Pan does not exist and it costs $100 a day per person to go to Disney World.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> She begged me not to cut off contact.
> 
> I tell you that it is extremely difficult to cut her off completely.


Please, don't start seeling yourself excuses. You are inches away from it.
You can perfectly cut her off for good. If you want.
It probable will include not being being liked, the good guy. So it be.
You know it must be done decisively.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> Well she spoke to my mother this morning, which is good. I didn't think she would call her, but she did, and told her the situation. She told me that she has been harboring these feelings for a long time, and they're not going to be killed right away. She begged me not to cut off contact.
> 
> I don't really know if I'm making this clear- this isn't just a woman, this is a family friend, someone I loved dearly, and someone everyone wanted me to end up with, and continued to love even after we didn't get together.
> 
> ...


Tell her husband.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife went back to several of her HS friends that she had not been in contact with in over 30 years. Gave them a sob story about an abusive husband, a suc*y M, etc. She even got some of her family members to support her during her A but most of her family abandoned her and supported me for the most part.

What I wished everyone of them would had done, especially her family members, was tell her, go back to your husband and work on your M. Keep us out of it.

When a M goes South, imagined or real, looking for help outside the M can open up a can of worms. This woman, is seeking help in all the wrong places. Looking to connect with your family, you, etc, especiall with all the feelings that you have and had, and that she had is not good. In fact IT IS TOXIC. There will be no good end to this if you continue to console her and if you allow your family to console her. 

If you have NC with her for the rest of your life what have you lost? IMO, nothing. An old fling. You are flirting with disaster here and your GF is enabling you and she is clueless to what many of us here on TAM know for a fact. That this is just a start to a very bad scene and your are not even in the opening credits but are in Part II, Scene five. Disentangle yourself as quickly as possible. You owe this woman nothing. Nada, not a thing. Break it off.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

She is a NARCISSIST looking for some supply. She is trying to play you like a piano to fill some type of selfish void at the cost of anyone's heart but her own.. See her as someone who will open up the scab on a sore only to get it dirty and infect it. Ignore her ... she is baiting the trap to suck you in. Stay strong and ignore her.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> Well she spoke to my mother this morning, which is good. I didn't think she would call her, but she did, and told her the situation.


Married woman calls the mom of the guy she wants to cheat with...and tells her the sitch?

My jaw is constantly hitting the ground at this forum. 

I had a somewhat similar situation recently with a family friend, who I was close friends with in my early teens. Amazing how long some can hide their true feelings. Out of the blue, she told me that she's had a crush on me for close to 30 years. We decided to cut contact.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Van, marital disasters unfold in small steps.

The fact that everyone expected you to get together, that you are still drawn, etc...those things are not extenuating circumstances. They are further indications of an explosion waiting to happen.

If you cannot draw a line in the sand now because of your feelings, how hard will it be in October when you are alone in her presence and she puts the moves on you?

"Dear TAM, I have been a lurker and never thought it would be me posting here. My wife and I have been going through a rough patch but I thought she was a good woman, committed to our kids, and we would get through. Last August, she connected with an old boyfriend on Facebook. They started talking. Feelings were declared. Last October she met up with the POSOM, and then..."


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Something about your screen name rang bells with me, so I had to do a little background check to see what it was.

Vanguard. The poster who advocates terminating a relationship -- with prejudice – when adultery is involved.

“The thought of another male's penis inside his wife is more repulsive than you can comprehend, and humiliates him in a way you can again only recognize, not understand. To him you are unclean; tainted. There is simply no getting past that.”

Your words, Vanguard. Would you so taint your childhood acquaintance? Would you so humiliate your high school/college friend? Would you so taint yourself with such a woman?

“Men who enter reconciliation are men who come to terms with being cuckolds. Men who reject that spouse and move on are men who refuse to be cuckolds.” Men who pursue married woman create cuckolds. You refuse to be one. Would you entertain the thought of cuckolding your old college chum?

“When I found that my wife had cheated on me I was devastated. I lost 20 pounds in less than two weeks. I didn't sleep for four days.” Haven’t you seen enough to last a lifetime? Do you want see – to be the cause of – another man’s life-altering misery?

“Objectivity.” Something you claimed to gain from your experience, Vanguard. Is it something you’ve retained?

“As your husband, whom you've betrayed, moves on, even if it's by your side, he will begin to understand exactly what you are.” And what is this, Vanguard? What does it make you if you’re the betrayal partner?

“Assuming you would want to get back with her. And I can promise you, you won't.” If she’s not suitable as a partner after adultery, why would she be suitable as an adultery partner? How could you have a long-term relationship with a woman who would commit adultery? Why is this woman so different than the ones you write about so frequently on this site? Is it because, this time, she’s interested in you?

“My mother, my poor sweet mother, who deserved none of the pain that my piece of sh%t ex inflicted on her . . .” What’s your poor sweet mother’s sage advice in your current circumstance? Wouldn’t this expose her to another world of “sh%t?”

It’s easy to come to an anonymous web site and write words. Our true motivations are revealed by our actions. Our true character is revealed by our reactions to the gravest situations, the responses to our greatest temptations, the way we react to our strongest emotional catalysts.

This site contains copious evidence of your strong feelings on the subject, Vanguard. You know the proper response. Do you have the strength to follow through with what should be done?

Tell her husband, Vanguard. Call him now.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> Let me clarify.
> 
> She wants to come down to my neck of the woods. I was the one who suggested she speak to my mother because my mom is probably the wisest, kindest and yet unflinchingly moral people to live. She now knows what's going on, which gives more accountability to me and my friend.
> 
> Yes I have a girlfriend and I told her about what's going on- she's amazing and has said she trusts me to do the right thing. *If my friend isn't able to keep herself in check, I'm breaking contact for good.*


You're playing with fire, my friend. Are you a white knight or something? This girl blew you off after you professed your love for her, and she clearly had you as a back up just in case her true love didn't pan out. So now that you hear a few tears and words from her to tickle your ears, you can't pull the trigger and cut this cancer out of your life? 

C'mon, you're deluding yourself if you think there is any possible answer aside from "We're never to speak again, good luck with the rest of your life". 

Let me ask you something. How many EA's and PA's do you think started out exactly the way you two are now? I'd wager the majority of them, with a minority of them starting because the WS is too much of a cruel and callous person to not think twice about cheating for whatever reason (whether calculated or thru mental illness).


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

It's done. No contact. Told her why, and told her I will not engage in any inappropriate behavior or conversations. 

Tough as nails to do. I care about her. But it's done. If she breaks it her husband is getting a very unpleasent phone call.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

JustGrinding said:


> Something about your screen name rang bells with me, so I had to do a little background check to see what it was.
> 
> Vanguard. The poster who advocates terminating a relationship -- with prejudice – when adultery is involved.
> 
> ...


I don't know who you are, but you're a jerk. And I like you. Thank you for making sure I live up to myself. I mean it.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> I don't know who you are, but you're a jerk.


That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said about me! Thanks!

. . . and you're welcome


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

JustGrinding said:


> That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said about me! Thanks!
> 
> . . . and you're welcome



:smnotworthy:


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She has a husband and 3 kids. Way too much baggage to walk into. And if you do end up with her, you'll be responsible for another man's children.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

I will tell you that I have just been through the heartbreak of being on the short end of the stick of this type of issue I was the wife and OW went for my stbxh,
Read my thread "old flame or just friends EA" if you want to see the bad side of this and why even if you did "only think of your self" that it would more than likely go badly for you.

All I can tell you is that would cause more pain than you can even imagine, and if this girl is willing to do that to her husband then she is will do it to you. 

Be a better man, I beg you, show the world and yourself that there are good people left with honor.
The fact that you came here for help and accountability is amazing and I am so glad that you have proven your self thus far!!!

I really wish either my stbxh or the OW would have had that much integrity!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You aren't the person you were way back then---neither is your X-------I would guess she is very bored with her mge---and she wants a little foreign spice

But if she has been thinking of you for 10 yrs---you gotta wonder what is really going on with her

If there is some way you can get a letter or call to her H, from you as an anonymous person---he should be warned---his wife is either very bored, or very dissatisfied with the mge---and he the H, needs to look into things----If for no other reason--do it for the innocent kids, who will be destroyed---if she continues down the slippery slope she is on, and does actually cheat on her H, and kids

You are way better off with the way things worked out, at least as to this X---stay strong---and stay NC---but do warn her H, he needs to know his mge could well be crumbling.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> It's darn hard ignoring a woman that you could so easily love and that you feel a deep connection with, but make this your aim in life for the next however many years it takes.
> 
> If you could truly love her - as opposed to lust after her - then you will do all to protect her marriage.
> 
> ...


This!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Hey congrats on the no contact! You give me faith in mankind once again!!!
Thank you!

Stay strong, keep up the good work!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Vanguard said:


> It's done. No contact. Told her why, and told her I will not engage in any inappropriate behavior or conversations.
> 
> Tough as nails to do. I care about her. But it's done. If she breaks it her husband is getting a very unpleasent phone call.


Dear Vanguard,

Sorry, but I can't rejoice in your decision with the rest of the posters. The fact that you have decided not to tell her H unless she contacts you again is a stain on your honor.

Here's what you said about him:

_"Her boyfriend and I were in the same dorm, and as we got to know each other I realized he truly was a good guy. He was always magnanimous about taking the girl I always wanted. He never rubbed it in my face. He would always be very humble and kind to me. A good, wholesome man."_

You owe it to him to tell him what his would-be wayward wife has done. For all you know, you are not her first extramarital affair target. In all likelihood, you will not be her last.

I also can't help feeling that, by deciding not to tell him "yet," you have left the door open just a crack to something happening between the two of you if she contacts you again.

Do the right thing for both you and him. Let him know what his WBWW has been up to. Close the door for good.


P.S.: Just read jnj express's post. Glad to see that I'm not the only one thinking her H needs to know.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Vanguard

You are a good man!

*If you do what Carmen Ohio said then you will be a GREAT man!*

In addition to telling her husband, if she still calls you after her husband knows, tell her to wait for just a minute. Go get your girlfriend and have her talk to her. 

Vanguard, write a love letter to your girlfriend now so that she can read the letter to your ex cheater girlfireind that is married. Tell your girlfriend that she can tell her whatever she wants so that she will stay away. Block her telephone number, emails and texts.

Finally tell your mother to help you keep this home wrecker out of both of your lives. You are a lucky man that you were her backup so that you are not the one she is cheating on. You do not have to hate her but she is tempting you and if you fall then your life will be one where you are never sure when you will become 2nd or 3rd choice again. 

*She is a cheater, has baggage, and three children that are not yours. This is one time you need to use your head and not let emotions rule you.*

You have taken a very courageous stand already but we just do not want you having any chance of getting back with this woman. One last note; getting involved in another man's wife is very dangereous.


Blunt


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Vanguard said:


> It's done. No contact. Told her why, and told her I will not engage in any inappropriate behavior or conversations.
> 
> Tough as nails to do. I care about her. But it's done. If she breaks it her husband is getting a very unpleasent phone call.


That had to be *incredibly tough* for you. Good job!

:allhail:

It's inspiring when someone does the right thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't know that I agree he should tell her husband. But he was right for telling her it can't happen.

Vanguard, any updates?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> That had to be *incredibly tough* for you. Good job!


:iagree:


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Congrats, Van, you made the right decision. You've saved yourself and your gf some real heartache. 

Before I read that you told her NC, I was going to ask what if this was your GF talking to an old flame? I'm sure you woulda gone all alpha on that sh!t. 

"Unto thine own self be true." Shakespeare


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

She actually was talking to an old flame back in April. When I found out I did go all alpha. I told her I'm not second choice, ever. I was going to break it off and she begged me not to. She went nc, told him not to contact her again, and if I ever want to I can go kick his ass. She and I are doing well, but you always have to be watchful. Of yourself and the one you love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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