# I cheated and now I'm being blackmailed



## laurie

I wish I had found this site under better circumstances but unfortunately, I didn't. Now from what I have read, I know I will probably catch a lot of mess for what I did. I am here because I am in a really bad situation and I need some advice on what to do.

I have been married for 8 years. We have had good times and bad times but for the most part, we always worked through it. We have 3 sons that are 10 months, 6, and 7. I won't give too much back story so I can make this short. My husband has a guy that he works out with. They are also co-workers. My husband is good friends with the guy and sometimes tells me what the guy does. his friend is a womanizer that sleeps with a lot of women. My husband told me how he cheated on his wife and how he is the biggest player on his job.

I thought the guy was pretty disgusting just by what my husband had told me. One day, he showed up to out house to go out with my husband and I was shocked by how handsome he was. He was a real gentleman, in shape, and had a lot of confidence. I could tell why so many women had fallen for him.

To go off topic for a minute, my husband has a problem with saying no. If someone asks him to work later or extra, my husband will always do it but complain later. It really pisses me off and he doesn't come off as being the strong man that I once knew him to be. On top of this, me and my husband have been a bit distant since he has now been working a lot more.

Back in June, me and my husband decided that we will dedicate one day a week to us. No kids or responsibiities, that time would be set aside to work on our relationship and to get closer. So in August, I had a big Sunday set aside for us. The kids were with my parents and me and my husband were supposed to have sex and go out. You can probably guess what happened. He got called in to work and it pissed me off because he could have said no. He chose to say yes. 

He said he was sorry but left me there all alone. He was so much in a rush to get to work that he left his keycard at home. He called me and said that his friend would pick it up for him since he was in the area and had to come to work also. 

His buddy showed up for the card and I invited him in. It was the first time that I was alone with him so I made chit chat to try to get to know him. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes. I know it was wrong but all I could think about was all the sexual things that my husband told me about him. It was hard for me to carry on a conversation without asking him if it were all true. Somehow, the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day. He later told my husband that he had a flat tire so that's why he was late to work.

This affair has been going on since August. looking back, I feel bad for living this lie and lying to my husband. Me and his friend hooked up at a hotel a few times and he has came over a few times while my husband was working.

Throughout all of this, I felt guilty. Earlier this month, I was playing with my boys and I just started crying. I felt that I failed them as a mother and what I was doing was not fair to them. I know that it is best for me to tell my husband but I don't know if I should. This may hurt him so much since that is his good friend.

Whatever I did, I knew that I had to break off the affair. I called him on last week and told him that we can no longer see each other. I told him that my family is too precious to lose and that I can't sleep with him anymore. I thought he would understand but he actually shocked me. He told me that this sexual arrangement will be over when he says that it is over. He says that if I try to break it off, he will tell my husband everything and say that I seduced him. He also described in detail all my tattoos and this is something that would make my husband know he was telling the truth. This hurt me bad and I just didn't know what to do. Although I have been depressed about the whole situation, I have seen his friend twice since the conversation and we had sex both times.

I don't want my husband to find out about this from his best friend. the problem is that I am afraid to tell him myself because I don't know what his reaction will be. I don't want him to leave me and I want to make this relationship work. What should I do to fix this?? His friend says he is serious about tell him and he said that it is over when he says it is over. Help please.


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## keko

Don't stop the affair, keep the OM happy. Who cares about your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

You have to confess to your husband. But first get a recorder and call the other man OM again. Get him to repeat his threat. 

Tell your husband what happened. Tell him everything. How it started, how long its been going on, why you decided to stop, & the threat. 

Let your husband handle the rest. Expect the worst. Hope for the best


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## that_girl

You and your husband both need to learn how to say no.

Tell your husband and then get an STD panel done. If he's such a womanizer...well...you never know.


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## BjornFree

So your husband said yes to extra work, and you said yest to an affair. This man who's having an affair with you, he isn't a friend of your husband's. And the truth is you have failed your kids. Stop rationalizing your affair on your husband doing or failing to do something.

All of what I said may seem harsh but its the truth. And you won't get a lot of sympathy for your situation here. Just keep reading the previous pages upon pages and you'll see your story played out a thousand different times.

Tell your husband the truth. Its better for him to hear it from you than from your lover, statistically speaking a confession will increase your chance of reconciliation.


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## Paulination

I'm sorry but this sounds like the set up of a cheesy early 80's porn script. I'm calling bullsh!t.


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## MrMathias

BjornFree said:


> Tell your husband the truth. Its better for him to hear it from you than from your lover, statistically speaking a confession will increase your chance of reconciliation.


I agree 100% with this. Finding truth only through coercion and after many many lies is horrible.


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## laurie

Honestly, I wish that I didn't have to tell him and that I could somehow put this behind me. On the other hand, it is better that hears it from me rather than his friend. From what he has told me so far, he doesn't care about anyone else's feelings so I don't think he is bluffing.


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## SomedayDig

And the next thing you know you're giving him oral?!!? 

Puleeeze.


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## Trying2figureitout

SomedayDig said:


> And the next thing you know you're giving him oral?!!?
> 
> Puleeeze.


It happens he is very sexual...

Its just chit chat to find out how much and then it just happens...

Think I saw a porn movie like that.


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## that_girl

Maybe she tripped and landed on his penis.

It happens.


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## laurie

Well if I could go back to that day I wouldn't even had opened the door. I can't explain how or why we had sex. It just sort of happened. I think I was infactuated at the time and it clouded my judgement. It happens to the best of us. Prior to this, I have never known him to cheat on me and that's another thing that makes me feel very guilty.


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## livinfree

SomedayDig said:


> And the next thing you know you're giving him oral?!!?
> 
> Puleeeze.


So many stories like this it seems there is such little hope for any relationships any more. 

I feel very sad for your children and hubby.


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## EleGirl

You do need to get a tape recording of the OM (other man) threaning you. I know that RadioShack as a recording device that you just plug you phone into.

Make sure you check your state laws about the legality of the recording. In some states you can legally record a telephone conversation if only one person agrees to the records.. that would be you agreeing to it. In other states all parties in the conversation need to agree.

If you are in an 'all party' state then you can only let your husband hear the tape.

If you are in 'one party' state then you can use it to get a restraining order.

So call up the OM and tell him that you are ending it NOW. Let him rant on about his threats. Remind him that he last few times you have been together were legally rape because he used threats to get sex from you. Get it all on tape.

When he threatens to tell your husband back down just enough to get him not to do it. YOu need to be the person who tells your husband.

Then when your husband comes home play the tape for him.

Then call the OM and let him know that you recorded the threats, have let your husband hear them and you are calling the police to press rape charges against this casa nova. 

Also let him know that you and your husband are talking out restraining orders against him.

Do you really think that his guy is going to tell your husband? Your husband knows that he's a player. I doubt that your husband will believe that this 'poor player' as seduced by you.. that you forced him to have sex with you. He's not going to tell your husband.

But one thing about you playing the tape to your husband and then, with your husband there, calling the SOB OM to let him know that your husband heard what he said in the phone call(s) with you... this guy will most likely never show up to work again. So your husband will not need to deal with him.

You do this and you are in control as far as the SOB POSOM goes. (Though be very careful about him showing up at your house. If you see him just call the police. DO NOT TALK TO HIM IN PERSON ever again.)

If you play hard ball with the SOB POSOM you will be able to end the affair.

Now you will have to deal with your husband. That's another issue.


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## EleGirl

that_girl said:


> Maybe she tripped and landed on his penis.
> 
> It happens.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## AngryandUsed

All the times you had sex with OM is when you put the kids away?

Dont blameshift the affair on your husband, that because of his inability to say "no", you had the affair. You fell flat on the OM's appearance. You could not resist your lust.

Simple, accept this fact.

Now, get yourself IC and confess the whole affair to your husband. Dont live a life of guilt and cause pain to your husband who believes that you are his wife and not a mistress to his friend.


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## that_girl

Sex never "just happens". 

There's a series of steps from the moment you get close, to when you're putting a penis into a vagina.

You could have said no. You didn't. You chose to have sex. It didn't just happen. You let it happen.

Own it.


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## EleGirl

laurie said:


> Honestly, I wish that I didn't have to tell him and that I could somehow put this behind me. On the other hand, it is better that hears it from me rather than his friend. From what he has told me so far, he doesn't care about anyone else's feelings so I don't think he is bluffing.


The OM might not care about anyone else's feelings. But he cares about his own wellbeing... he's self-centered at best. He's most likely a narcissist.

He will not do anything that could get himself hurt.. .like telling your husband and having your husband to ballistic on him.
He’s not your husband’s best friend; he’s not a friend at all. He is quite obviously your husband’s enemy... a user who finds your husband useful.


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## tom67

that_girl said:


> Sex never "just happens".
> 
> There's a series of steps from the moment you get close, to when you're putting a penis into a vagina.
> 
> You could have said no. You didn't. You chose to have sex. It didn't just happen. You let it happen.
> 
> Own it.


If this is for real tell your husband atleast he will hear it from you first.


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## that_girl

I wonder how many other women he's done this to.

You KNEW who he was ....your husband 'warned' you about him. And yet you chose to have sex with him.

Tell your husband.


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## PBear

Btw, before you tell your husband, do some deep soul searching and figure out why you made the decisions you did. It didn't "just happen". And the why is going to be one of his first (and biggest) questions. Until you know the why, you'll be forever susceptible to repeating the same bad decisions.

As the others have said, you need to tell your husband. It's the only way to take the control back from his "friend". 

And I say this as someone who cheated on his spouse...

C


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## laurie

If i do tell my husband, should it be now or should I wait until after the holidays? I only ask because His parents will be here for Thanksgiving and we are driving to see my parents for Christmas. I don't want to ruin the holiday spirit with this especially if he wants to separate. That's what I'm afraid of the most.


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## tom67

laurie said:


> If i do tell my husband, should it be now or should I wait until after the holidays? I only ask because His parents will be here for Thanksgiving and we are driving to see my parents for Christmas. I don't want to ruin the holiday spirit with this especially if he wants to separate. That's what I'm afraid of the most.


You have to tell him now he deserves the truth and how he deals with it is up to him.


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## Complexity

I think you have more things to worry about than the "holiday spirit"

Man, I feel so bad for your husband.


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## TBT

I find it hard to believe that someone with such lax boundaries that they would do this at the first opportunity,in their sober mind and in their family home,hasn't done something like this before.

If this OM is like you say he is than you must have both had a good laugh at your husband's expense.Someone who would blackmail you would be just the type to take every chance to ridicule your H in front of you.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

How can you be "shocked" by his threats..when your husband warned you about him?! But as you said, you had to go ask him for yourself and ended up servicing him that same day. It shows you obviously care about your husband and your family. You are someone who respects your home environment, and wouldn't mind if your husband slept with another person in your own home, preferably someone you both know. 
Now, you want help because he doesn't want to stop sleeping with you...it wouldnt be happening if your intelligent self would have never slept with him in the first place. Now, deal with it.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

The Holiday Spirit...hmmm...you had alot of interest and spirit going into this..wanting to find out for your own self if the stories your husband told you were true. Here's what's also true, you ruined the holidays, doesnt matter if you tell him before or after, he will remember that it was around the holidays. You can prolong it as long as you want, but you should muster up some of that courage you used to ask the OM about his sex life.


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## The Cro-Magnon

I feel sick.

Someone remind me again what the point of marriage to these creatures called women is again?

I will attempt to convince myself that this is a troll thread to console myself...


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## roostr

well, he should at least hear about it from you and not someone else, that would be a lot worse imo.


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## EleGirl

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> I feel sick.
> 
> Someone remind me again what the point of marriage to these creatures called women is again?
> 
> I will attempt to convince myself that this is a troll thread to console myself...


OH yea and women are the only ones who act like this... good grief.

Why are you trying to paint all women with the same brush here?

Why is this any worse then when men cheat?


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## Kasler

EleGirl said:


> OH yea and women are the only ones who act like this... good grief.
> 
> Why are you trying to paint all women with the same brush here?
> 
> Why is this any worse then when men cheat?


Cut him some slack, hes in a bad place if you couldn't tell from his username. 

Yes both men and women cheat, but we're not gonna get into which gender does it more. 

However when women cheat its emotional which makes the betrayal that much deeper. 

Usually when men cheat its just for a piece of ass, and when wife finds out they throw her under the bus. 

With women theres usually I love yous, soul mate, and much more effort in the affair where as men usually just take it as it comes.

Both waywards do the effort thing, but with women it hurts more. 

My WS couldn't be bothered to drive 20 minutes down to my office and give me my reading glasses because I forgot them at home. 

For OM he texts her "Get your sexy ass over here" and she drops what shes doing and drives 2+ hours for a booty call.


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## tom67

EleGirl said:


> OH yea and women are the only ones who act like this... good grief.
> 
> Why are you trying to paint all women with the same brush here?
> 
> Why is this any worse then when men cheat?


Come on it's a 2 way street but she is disgusting.


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## BjornFree

Listen if you really want to get through this you need to stop viewing yourself as a victim of circumstances.

1.Record any and all conversations with the OM, be sure to tell him you're going to record him, my guess is that he won't believe you or that he'll taunt you, thats alright you record the conversation. Blackmail is illegal.

2 Go to the police. 

3.Tell your husband the whole truth and let him come to a decision about the future. Accept his decision and minimize the pain you've caused.

4. Save all your text messages and every call log. Shoot a mail to your husband's immediate superior or the HR dept. Tell them about the blackmail. They most definitely will fire him, especially in light of the police complaint.

There.

I'm pretty sure you won't do all of that but for the record, I've given you advice.


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## BjornFree

Kasler said:


> Cut him some slack, hes in a bad place if you couldn't tell from his username.
> 
> Yes both men and women cheat, but we're not gonna get into which gender does it more.
> 
> However when women cheat its emotional which makes the betrayal that much deeper.
> 
> Usually when men cheat its just for a piece of ass, and when wife finds out they throw her under the bus.
> 
> With women theres usually I love yous, soul mate, and much more effort in the affair where as men usually just take it as it comes.
> 
> Both waywards do the effort thing, but with women it hurts more.
> 
> My WS couldn't be bothered to drive 20 minutes down to my office and give me my reading glasses because I forgot them at home.
> 
> For OM he texts her "Get your sexy ass over here" and she drops what shes doing and drives 2+ hours for a booty call.


I'm surprised you're downplaying male infidelity. I'm pretty sure it'll be just as devastating for a loving and faithful wife to find out her husband couldn't keep his prick in his pants all because "he wanted a piece of ass".

And your logic can work both ways. So the WH just found the other piece of ass more attractive and therefore he drove 2+ hrs to have sex with her while leaving his pregnant wife to take care of herself.

Infidelity is wrong. Once you make a commitment, its wrong to do things behind someone's back.

That said, i'm not trying to act like the angel of virtue.


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## SomedayDig

BjornFree said:


> I'm surprised you're downplaying male infidelity. I'm pretty sure it'll just as devastating for a loving and faithful wife to find out her husband couldn't keep his prick in his pants all because "he wanted a piece of ass"


Yeah, but with women it's "emotional" and that is so much worse than just wanting a piece of ass...
(sarcasm fyi)

I know he might be in a bad spot, but infidelity f'ng sucks no matter what chromosome you got. It ain't just about creatures called women, cuz they're called men, too. Otherwise I wouldn't have had to deal with an OM.


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## BjornFree

SomedayDig said:


> Yeah, but with women it's "emotional" and that is so much worse than just wanting a piece of ass...
> (sarcasm fyi)
> .


No kidding, I think I'll let my wife and kids starve now, got a tight little pvssy thats begging to be filled, she's a **** i'm not gonna invest my emotions in her. I'll just throw her under the bus after I'm done.


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## warlock07

AdFreak: MTV Switzerland ads: 'Sex is no accident. Always use a condom'


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## Kasler

BjornFree said:


> I'm surprised you're downplaying male infidelity. I'm pretty sure it'll be just as devastating for a loving and faithful wife to find out her husband couldn't keep his prick in his pants all because "he wanted a piece of ass".
> 
> And your logic can work both ways. So the WH just found the other piece of ass more attractive and therefore he drove 2+ hrs to have sex with her while leaving his pregnant wife to take care of herself.
> 
> Infidelity is wrong. Once you make a commitment, its wrong to do things behind someone's back.
> 
> That said, i'm not trying to act like the angel of virtue.


I'm not downplaying male infidelity, thats just you putting intentions in my post. 

I stated that male infidelity is usually more physical while female infidelity is usually more emotional. 

The impact of an affair is still going to be just as big a blow either way, but it definitely affects what comes afterwards. 

So many APs when the OMW is told and they're on the hotseat from their wifes they'll drop the BS's wayward like a hot potato. Thats why we almost always tell BSs to inform OMW cause she needs to know and that it'll help destroy the affair.

On the example, I just stated that as an example, I in no way said that goes for everyone.


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## Kasler

BjornFree said:


> No kidding, I think I'll let my wife and kids starve now, got a tight little pvssy thats begging to be filled, she's a **** i'm not gonna invest my emotions in her. I'll just throw her under the bus after I'm done.


Thats not my point, but I could easily make a contrast of that thats 5 times worse(and happened before), and switch the genders but that wouldn't prove anything.


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## aug

If you have a 10 month old son now, he was 7 months in August. Who was looking after him? 

Where were the 6 and 7 year olds?

I find it hard to believe this story given a baby was there at the same time.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

Can you guys imagine the husband's face and his emotions when he realized that not only did she cheat, but it was with the person he warned her about too???
I honestly cannot even imagine this! I've been on the receiving end of crap like this, and I feel so sorry for that man.


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## laurie

I am ashamed to say it but there were times when I was with him while our son was home. However, my older sons have never seen him in the house. I have made up my mind that I will tell him but I think it may be better to wait until Jan or Feb because I really don't want to screw up the holiday for my kids and him. I have been trying to think of a way to put this on him lightly but I just can't think of anything. Also, I don't think I want to go to the police because it may put his job in jeapordy.


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## EleGirl

Kasler said:


> Cut him some slack, hes in a bad place if you couldn't tell from his username.
> 
> Yes both men and women cheat, but we're not gonna get into which gender does it more.
> 
> However when women cheat its emotional which makes the betrayal that much deeper.
> 
> Usually when men cheat its just for a piece of ass, and when wife finds out they throw her under the bus.
> 
> With women theres usually I love yous, soul mate, and much more effort in the affair where as men usually just take it as it comes.
> 
> Both waywards do the effort thing, but with women it hurts more.
> 
> My WS couldn't be bothered to drive 20 minutes down to my office and give me my reading glasses because I forgot them at home.
> 
> For OM he texts her "Get your sexy ass over here" and she drops what shes doing and drives 2+ hours for a booty call.


That woman who is cheating... with all the emotions and I love you's... who is she cheating with? Oh yea some guy... who is also all emotional and full of I love you's .

And for every man getting sex just for sex... there's a women doing it for the same reason.


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## EleGirl

tom67 said:


> Come on it's a 2 way street but she is disgusting.


He's made of the same cloth she is.


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## Summer4744

Laurie. So do you plan On sleeping with the OM until Jan/Feb?


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## laurie

Summer4744 said:


> Laurie. So do you plan On sleeping with the OM until Jan/Feb?


No, I honestly don't plan on sleeping with him anymore.


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## oncehisangel

well this is a fine pickle youve got yourself into dear.


go undo it now. Time to to face the music .

no further comment


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## EleGirl

laurie said:


> I am ashamed to say it but there were times when I was with him while our son was home. However, my older sons have never seen him in the house. I have made up my mind that I will tell him but I think it may be better to wait until Jan or Feb because I really don't want to screw up the holiday for my kids and him. I have been trying to think of a way to put this on him lightly but I just can't think of anything. Also, I don't think I want to go to the police because it may put his job in jeapordy.


So what are you going to do until January or February? Continue to have sex with the other guy?

If you want any hope in saving your marriage you need to do this right after Thanksgiving. That will give you a few days to get the OM on tape.

And don't tell him that you are taping him. What state do you live in? I'll look up the law for that if you won't do it.

You NEED THE TAPE. YOU NEED THE EVIDENCE. Do you understand this?

Every day you wait is another day that your husband might find out from some other source, or even walk in on you and the OM.


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## laurie

We live in Arizona.


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## EleGirl

laurie said:


> No, I honestly don't plan on sleeping with him anymore.


How are you going to prevent him from forcing himself on you?


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## Kasler

So you're potentially infected with the STD of a gigilo and you're gonna wait 2-3 months to confess so he can for sure contract an STD if you've gotten one yourself?

Unacceptable, and I for one would never be able to forgive a spouse for this. 

Betraying someone is one thing, but jeopardizing their health just so you can put off the inevitable is another. 

Tell him now, and get yourself tested.


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## TBT

laurie said:


> No, I honestly don't plan on sleeping with him anymore.


How does that work? You said he's blackmailing you...and your H being unaware I'm sure is still hanging out with his so-called best friend.


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## EleGirl

laurie said:


> We live in Arizona.


Arizona is a "one-party consent" state. So you can record a phone call with him and you do not need to tell him that you are taping him.

I caution against telling him anything about taping him. The fact that he has blackmailed you into continuing sex with him indicates that he is a violent man. What he has done since the blackmail is basically rape. A man who will rape a woman using blackmail has a high potential for being violent.

So don't tell him anything about a tape.

Once you get a tape (or digital recording) make copies and keep them some place safe. Like at a family member's house, a storage bin, and/or put a copy on line, in the cloud, etc. 

I take back what I said about calling him and telling him that you have a recording and that you have told your husband. Instead... tell your husband and let him hear the tape. Then call the police and file a restraining order. 

After that send him an email telling him that you have told your husband, filed the restraining order and if he comes near you or your husband again you will file charges. Tell him that you are recordings of him threatening and blackmailing you and they are stored in a safe place.


==========================================
Arizona Wiretapping Law

Arizona's wiretapping law is a "one-party consent" law. Arizona makes it a crime to intercept a "wire or electronic communication" or a "conversation or discussion" unless you are a party to the communication, present during the conversation or discussion, or one party to the communication or conversation consents. A.R.S. § 13-3005, -3012(9). Therefore, if you operate in Arizona, you may record a conversation or phone call if you are a party to the conversation or you get permission from one party to the conversation in advance. That said, if you intend to record conversations involving people located in more than one state, you should abide by the recording law of the most restrictive state involved, or play it safe and get the consent of all parties. 

Arizona Recording Law | Citizen Media Law Project


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## EleGirl

Kasler said:


> So you're potentially infected with the STD of a gigilo and you're gonna wait 2-3 months to confess so he can for sure contract an STD if you've gotten one yourself?
> 
> Unacceptable, and I for one would never be able to forgive a spouse for this.
> 
> Betraying someone is one thing, but jeopardizing their health just so you can put off the inevitable is another.
> 
> Tell him now, and get yourself tested.


Also.. if the husband finds out that the 'blackmail" sex has been going on from Nov - Jan/Feb, any chance of recovery it out the door.

Months of "blackmail" sex is just consentual sex in a situation like this one. She has 100% power to end the "blackmail" sex.


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## laurie

Thanks so much Elegirl. I will go to radioshack on tomorrow to get a recording device. I was worried that it may be illegal to tape him but since it isn't in my state, this would really help me to get him by the ballz. I just hope and pray that my husband can find a way to forgive me.


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## Numbersixxx

laurie said:


> Well if I could go back to that day I wouldn't even had opened the door. I can't explain how or why we had sex. It just sort of happened. I think I was infactuated at the time and it clouded my judgement. It happens to the best of us. Prior to this, I have never known him to cheat on me and that's another thing that makes me feel very guilty.


I have and explanation for why you had sex. You don’t care about your husband or your family. You only care about your pleasure.


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## Numbersixxx

EleGirl said:


> *The OM might not care about anyone else's feelings. But he cares about his own wellbeing... he's self-centered at best. He's most likely a narcissist.*
> 
> He will not do anything that could get himself hurt.. .like telling your husband and having your husband to ballistic on him.
> He’s not your husband’s best friend; he’s not a friend at all. He is quite obviously your husband’s enemy... a user who finds your husband useful.


I think that is why they had an affair. They are the same.


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## Kasler

Numbersixxx said:


> I think that is why they had an affair. They are the same.


Agreed, to have sex with a man within one hour of meeting him, oh yes she is just as selfish and self centered as he is minus the blackmail.


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## EleGirl

laurie said:


> Thanks so much Elegirl. I will go to radioshack on tomorrow to get a recording device. I was worried that it may be illegal to tape him but since it isn't in my state, this would really help me to get him by the ballz. I just hope and pray that my husband can find a way to forgive me.


As a WS (wayward spouse) there are things that you can do to make it more likely that your marriage will survive this mess you have created.

I hope someone here will post a link to the post that goes through the things you need to do.

For you the first steps are getting the tapes, the restraining for, the police report. These steps are not on that list, they are unique to your situation. 

ON the list are things like telling your husband, sending a no contact letter to the OM and then never having any contact with him again. The tape & restraining order should take care of that....

Stick around here some will help you through this.

And yes there will be some (probably quite a few) who will attack you. I hope you can get beyond that as there is help here.


----------



## EleGirl

Numbersixxx said:


> I think that is why they had an affair. They are the same.


The blackmail and subsequently forcing sex puts him on a completely different level. This guy is one notch below a rapist... or maybe is a rapist. Forcing a person to have sex through blackmail is I believe considered rape.

The OP made some very back choices and did something very wrong over several months. She knows that what she did was wrong. She's here for help.

I don't see where attacking her will help her husband or her children.


----------



## EleGirl

laurie said:


> Thanks so much Elegirl. I will go to radioshack on tomorrow to get a recording device. I was worried that it may be illegal to tape him but since it isn't in my state, this would really help me to get him by the ballz. I just hope and pray that my husband can find a way to forgive me.



Here are some of the things they have....
http://www.radioshack.com/search/index.jsp?kwCatId=&kw=phone recording&origkw=phone+recording&sr=1

If you have a cell phone there are apps that will record phone calls.


----------



## WyshIknew

laurie said:


> No, I honestly don't plan on sleeping with him anymore.


Good luck with that, I'm sure he'll come calling before then. He will probably want a christmas present.

To be honest he sounds like one of those people who get turned on by having sex with someone else wife. A kind of control/dominance/humiliation kind of thing. This is borne out by his desire to now control you.
Has he shown any of this side with you, bad mouthing or laughing about your husband while having sex with you?

Be warned that if this is the case he will probably make some sort of demand on you around Christmas.

Unfortunately if he is this type of person he will enjoy the sex with you but will also enjoy your husbands distress and humiliation when he finds out.

Good job.


----------



## AlphaHalf

> Somehow, the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day.


Thats a big freakin jump right there. Is this real???:scratchhead:


> I told him that my family is too precious to lose and that I can't sleep with him anymore.


Actions speak louder then words, The man came to visit and your mouth fell on his Junk. Who are you trying to convince?

Fact is you are only making this worse second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.........by not telling your husband the truth. there is no other way out of this because your husband will find out eventually. If your marriage is "so precious" to you then tell him immediately. Whatever shred of dignity, and self respect you have left you should use it to tell your husband the TRUTH. It will not be easy and never get any easier if you keep [email protected] the OM to keep your affair secret. You are humiliating your husband and you are making yourself the OM's personal ................ You get the picture.


----------



## bandit.45

You're from Arizona huh?

I bet you know my ex-wife....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

WyshIknew said:


> Good luck with that, I'm sure he'll come calling before then. He will probably want a christmas present.
> 
> To be honest he sounds like one of those people who get turned on by having sex with someone else wife. A kind of control/dominance/humiliation kind of thing. This is borne out by his desire to now control you.
> 
> Has he shown any of this side with you, bad mouthing or laughing about your husband while having sex with you?
> 
> Be warned that if this is the case he will probably make some sort of demand on you around Christmas.
> 
> Unfortunately if he is this type of person he will enjoy the sex with you but will also enjoy your husbands distress and humiliation when he finds out.
> 
> Good job.


All very good points.....

So this leads to why her husband would even be best freinds with a guy like this. A guy becomes good freinds with a scumb bag, then tells him to drop buy his house when he's not home to pick up something.

Sure it was probably innocent on her husband's part. But would you tell a person who you know is a thief to got get something from your house?

Maybe the husband should be more careful about the people he befriends and brings into his house. From the way the husband orgininally described this low life, he husband knew he was bad news. Not blaming the husband here... just amazed at how he found it ok to be friends with a person who is like this.

I wonder who all this POSOM has told about this thing he has with his co-worker's wife.


----------



## Madman1

Bandit,
I read about your ex before your thread disappeared, I never was able to finish it. One of the worst things I have ever read, well maybe until now, we will see how this plays out.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

EleGirl said:


> All very good points.....
> 
> So this leads to why her husband would even be best freinds with a guy like this. *A guy becomes good freinds with a scumb bag, then tells him to drop buy his house when he's not home to pick up something.*
> 
> He should not have been friends with any men because if one of his friend came home his wife will land on the friends penis with out her knowledge. I hope he was not aware of this side of his wife but now he know. Hope he will throw all his male friend a mile away from his home.
> 
> S*ure it was probably innocent on her husband's part.* But would you tell a person who you know is a thief to got get something from your house?
> 
> *No, it was intentional because he was too eger to watch his wife having sex with OM, He may have been hiding behind the curtain.*
> 
> *Maybe the husband should be more careful about the people he befriends and brings into his house*.
> *Yes he should only befriend and bring home only men who dont have a penis, else she will start giving him oral within an hour.*
> From the way the husband orgininally described this low life, he husband knew he was bad news. Not blaming the husband here... *just amazed at how he found it ok to be friends with a person who is like this.*
> 
> *I think her husband never thought that his wife will jump on the OMs penis within an hour as he already warned her about him.*
> I wonder who all this POSOM has told about this thing he has with his co-worker's wife.


*He may have told this to many to brag. He may have told how his wife made her husband the biggest cuckold or a cleaner man to clean his remains. As a POS there is no doubt that many of husbands friends may be aware of this but scared to tell him as they dont want to hurt him. 
*


----------



## EleGirl

Kallan Pavithran said:


> *He may have told this to many to brag. He may have told how his wife made her husband the biggest cuckold or a cleaner man to clean his remains. As a POS there is no doubt that many of husbands friends may be aware of this but scared to tell him as they dont want to hurt him.
> *


That's what I was thinking.


----------



## BjornFree

If you wait for holiday season to be over, you better strap yourself up for a merry christmas. I can already hear the OM going Ho Ho Ho.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

laurie said:


> *I am ashamed to say it but there were times when I was with him while our son was home.* Y*you are lucky that OM was not a pedophile.*
> 
> However, my older sons have never seen him in the house. I have *made up my mind that I will tell him but I think it may be better to wait until Jan or Feb because I really don't want to screw up the holiday *
> *Emperor Nero was playing violin while Rome was burning*
> 
> *for my kids and him. * REALLY?*I have been trying to think of a way to put this on him lightly but I just can't think of anything.*
> 
> *Are you not interested in saving this marriage? This will be the last nail on the coffin of your already dead marriage*.
> 
> *Also, I don't think I want to go to the police because it may put his job in jeapordy*.



Ha ha ha ha........... You are still protecting OM even after he black mailed you and had sex with you twice after that. was the sex that much hot and spicy. You didnt seems you put any effort to stop the sex, may be you wished for it more than him.
You are too much worried about the well being of OM but if you may have shown 1/10 of this care for your husband and children then you may not have been here.

With this attitude your marriage seems to be came to an end.
Any way have a nice holidays because this may be the last holidays as a husband and wife. Get ready to find a place for you to live when you return back from holidays.

Dont be so sure that your husband will never find out about your cheating.


----------



## NewM

laurie said:


> Also, I don't think I want to go to the police because it may put his job in jeapordy.


Whose job,your husbands or OMs?

To those helping her get evidence against OM,you are probably helping her get that evidence to shut OM up so husband doesn't find out about anything:


laurie said:


> this would really help me to get him by the ballz.


----------



## EleGirl

Kallan Pavithran said:


> *He should not have been friends with any men because if one of his friend came home his wife will land on the friends penis with out her knowledge. I hope he was not aware of this side of his wife but now he know. Hope he will throw all his male friend a mile away from his home. *


*
Did you have fun twisting what I was saying? I am not talking about ‘any’ man. I’m talking about a particular man who is bad news.

Her husband has a BFF who is a low life and he brought that lowlife into his home. He’s about to find out a basic truth in life…. Do not hang out with a lowlife if you don’t what their problems to become your problems.




Kallan Pavithran said:



I think her husband never thought that his wife will jump on the OMs penis within an hour as he already warned her about him.

Click to expand...

I’m sure that he never thought that his wife would jump on this guy. 


But it’s also true that the husband has no problem being BFF with a low life. It does not say much for her husband. He’s apparently ok when this guy does this to other men’s wives and then brags about it.*


----------



## EleGirl

NewM said:


> Whose job,your husbands or OMs?
> 
> To those helping her get evidence against OM you are probably helping her get that evidence to shut OM up so husband doesn't find out about anything.


If the OM is blackmailing her and now demanding sex she has every right to protect herself.

Getting this evidence will not stop her husband from finding out. He's going to find out because it's highly likely that the OM has already bragged about it all over the place. 

The OM has too big a mouth from what we've been told to keep a secret.


----------



## EleGirl

laurie said:


> I am ashamed to say it but there were times when I was with him while our son was home. However, my older sons have never seen him in the house. I have made up my mind that I will tell him but I think it may be better to wait until Jan or Feb because I really don't want to screw up the holiday for my kids and him. I have been trying to think of a way to put this on him lightly but I just can't think of anything. *Also, I don't think I want to go to the police because it may put his job in jeapordy*.


Whose job will be in jeapordy? The OM's? Why should you care? Especially if he is blackmailing you... that the penalty for blackmail and forcing sex on you. Why would this bother you?

Your husband cannot work with the OM from here on out. One of them will have to leave their job. You have children. You sure better be hoping that it's your husband who keeps the job.

The OM is single. He can move to west texas where there are tons of jobs. He can move out of your and your husband's lives.


----------



## NewM

EleGirl said:


> If the OM is blackmailing her and now demanding sex she has every right to protect herself.
> 
> Getting this evidence will not stop her husband from finding out. He's going to find out because it's highly likely that the OM has already bragged about it all over the place.
> 
> The OM has too big a mouth from what we've been told to keep a secret.


From her talking I get that feeling,as she already stated that she won't go to the police with it,what else does she need it for when she can just tell her husband about cheating and OM can't blackmail her anymore.


----------



## EleGirl

NewM said:


> I get that feeling,as she already stated that she won't go to the police with it,what else does she need it for when she can just tell her husband about cheating and OM can't blackmail her anymore.


This is early in the process. What she says today might not be what she ends up doing. 

She might need a recording because the OM might not stop trying to force her when she tells him she told her husband. He might show up when he knows her husband is not there to force her to have sex. Since he blackmailed her and then used that to get sex, this guy is capable of some pretty bad things. She might need the tapes at that point to prove that it was rape. 

She might decided that while tonight she said that she would not go to the police with it that she has to. 

This OM is not a run-of-the-mill OM. She needs to do whatever is necessary to protect herself.

Hearing the tape might also help her husband with his putting into perspective that this guy is not his friend. Ya never know what this guy is going to tell her husband after she fesses up. He's already said that he will tell her husband that she went after him. Who knows what lies he will tell to cover for himself.


----------



## giashasa2012

I have skimmed the whole thread don't know if someone has informed you that *blackmail to have sex means means rape* .
In the eyes of the law he is a rapist.

"....rape does not have to involve physical force -using verbal pressure or emotional blackmail to have sex with someone when they don’t want to is rape"

Record him not with one but with two recorders.

Don't make the mistake to reveal to him this information ,before you have hide at least one of them ( Var's)in a secure location . 

Then you can inform him how the game is played .

When you do that choose a *public place* not at a hotel , not in your house , public ,with lots of people .

Have some friends near by, to assist if things get ugly and as a witness .

Record this meting too ,preferably with a third recorder .

Why you need so many .

...Lets see , one is your primary ,the second is your backup , things break down , get lost ,or are stolen you never know , you need at least two for the proof that he has blackmailed you , and a third Var to record every other meeting that you have with him .

Don't underestimate him he is a sociopath and probably has done it to other women too.

If you choose to tell your husband , if the truth get out , destroy this m*****f***r , go to the police , and send him for a long time away. 

Now, to tell or not to tell , that is tough if you don't tell your husband anything ,you risk that he finds it out from someone else, your handsome sociopath has probably told stories about his conquest to others .

If he finds it from someone else it is always bad , it would be better if you told him.

And if you tell, you may lose your marriage , but without telling there is no hope to fix anything.

The decision is yours.

And have a STD test 

Good luck


----------



## shattered32

I really do not have any sympathies for a cheating spouse right now , but because people here have been so nice to me , ill extend that benefit to you as well - I did not like it one bit when my wife came clean with me , but i am sure it would have been worse if i heard it from someone else. You screwed up, now own up , atleast there is no dignity in that - but for me the larger question is ofcourse that you are only contemplating on owning up because you have this threat hanging over your head , i guess its safe to assume that if it was not for the blackmail , you would not come clean - which is quite sad.


----------



## EleGirl

giashasa2012 said:


> I have skimmed the whole thread don't know if someone has informed you that *blackmail to have sex means means rape* .
> In the eyes of the law he is a rapist.
> 
> "....rape does not have to involve physical force -using verbal pressure or emotional blackmail to have sex with someone when they don’t want to is rape"
> 
> Record him not with one but with two recorders.
> 
> Don't make the mistake to reveal to him this information ,before you have hide at least one of them ( Var's)in a secure location .
> 
> Then you can inform him how the game is played .
> 
> When you do that choose a *public place* not at a hotel , not in your house , public ,with lots of people .
> 
> Have some friends near by, to assist if things get ugly and as a witness .
> 
> Record this meting too ,preferably with a third recorder .
> 
> Why you need so many .
> 
> ...Lets see , one is your primary ,the second is your backup , things break down , get lost ,or are stolen you never know , you need at least two for the proof that he has blackmailed you , and a third Var to record every other meeting that you have with him .
> 
> Don't underestimate him he is a sociopath and probably has done it to other women too.
> 
> If you choose to tell your husband , if the truth get out , destroy this m*****f***r , go to the police , and send him for a long time away.
> 
> Now, to tell or not to tell , that is tough if you don't tell your husband anything ,you risk that he finds it out from someone else, your handsome sociopath has probably told stories about his conquest to others .
> 
> If he finds it from someone else it is always bad , it would be better if you told him.
> 
> And if you tell, you may lose your marriage , but without telling there is no hope to fix anything.
> 
> The decision is yours.
> 
> And have a STD test
> 
> Good luck


All good points/suggestions.

The original conversation in which she tried to end it and he blackmailed her was via telephone. So I suggested that she call him again and tape the phone conversation. Tell him again that she will not see him again and see if she can get him to repeat the blackmail threat.

Her going anywhere near him now is a very very bad idea.

ON the other hand, it would be a good idea for her to have at least one VAR (voice activated recorder) around when and if he is ever around her again. She can keep it in a hidden place so that he does not find it and distory it.


----------



## bandit.45

Madman1 said:


> Bandit,
> I read about your ex before your thread disappeared, I never was able to finish it. One of the worst things I have ever read, well maybe until now, we will see how this plays out.


Laurie is as bad as my ex ever thought of being.

No real remorse...only worrying about how the affair will cast a shadow on the holidays.

No regard for her children: she brought this scum into her home and had sex with him while the youngest was present.

No feelings of sorrow or anguish for the pain and agony her husband is going to feel after she confesses that she banged his best friend numerous times, many times in their marital bed. She seems only concerned that he might kick her out before she has a chance to put on a nice feelgood family holiday season. 

What a joke...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## giashasa2012

And this "friendship"issed: and work relationship between your husband and mr. handsome must end with one way or another


----------



## AlphaHalf

The blackmailing for sex is rape. But the instant head and the casual sex beforehand isn't. It's most likely the reason why she is not treating it as such. Expose the affair and face the fire. Take away the leverage he has over you. It will get way worse if you don't.


----------



## EleGirl

shattered32 said:


> I really do not have any sympathies for a cheating spouse right now, but because people here have been so nice to me, I’ll extend that benefit to you as well - I did not like it one bit when my wife came clean with me , but i am sure it would have been worse if i heard it from someone else. You screwed up, now own up, at least there is no dignity in that - but for me the larger question is of course that you are only contemplating on owning up because you have this threat hanging over your head, I guess it’s safe to assume that if it was not for the blackmail, you would not come clean - which is quite sad.


Over half of affairs are never revealed to the BS. 

Many counselors advise cheating spouses to never tell. Their point of view is that telling causes so much pain to the BS. That the only reasons a person has for telling is a backhanded way to hurt the BS ... and let's face it cheating is very much about hurting one's spouse. Or they say it's to relieve their own guilt.

Instead they advise to not tell and to make it up to the BS for the rest of your life by being a loving spouse going forward.

I’m not sure anymore where I think about tell or not telling. I can see harm in both and good in both. Ultimately the BS has the right to know what is going on in their life and to then decide what they want to do, stay or leave. So this is the one reason that I generally come down on the side of telling.

As a BS myself in two marriages I wish I did not have to go through the pain. It has so completely changed me and harmed me to know about the infidelity that sometimes I think I would have been better off with him just ending the infidelity and me not knowing.

I do believe that marriages suffer from one spouse carrying a huge, deep, dark secret. 

Perhaps each person needs to decide this on their own… give a WS the pros and cons on both sides. In the end they are responsible for the path they choose.

But in the case in this thread, her husband is most likely to find out one way or the other.


----------



## giashasa2012

Bandit . I believe that all this about her children and holidays are only excuses . 

She is terrified because she knows what it at stake , she knows that she may lose her marriage.

She tries to hold at little longer to the life she knows.


----------



## shattered32

EleGirl said:


> I’m not sure anymore where I think about tell or not telling. I can see harm in both and good in both. Ultimately the BS has the right to know what is going on in their life and to then decide what they want to do, stay or leave. So this is the one reason that I generally come down on the side of telling.
> 
> As a BS myself in two marriages I wish I did not have to go through the pain. It has so completely changed me and harmed me to know about the infidelity that sometimes I think I would have been better off with him just ending the infidelity and me not knowing.


And thats the reason i would always rather know than not , even if it meant that without knowing i would have had another 30-40 years with that person , happy years perhaps , but i dont want to be played , i need to know.

Wishing that one did not now , i agree and empathize with you completely , i dont know what changes this will bring ab out with me but i agree.


----------



## EleGirl

AlphaHalf said:


> The blackmailing for sex is rape. But the instant head and the casual sex beforehand isn't. It's most likely the reason why she is not treating it as such. Expose the affair and face the fire. Take away the leverage he has over you. It will get way worse if you don't.


Legally it does not matter how many times she has consensual sex with him. As soon as she told him it was over and he blackmailed her and forced sex on her… it’s rape.

She might not be thinking of pressing charges for rape right now. She’s ashamed and scared right now as one would be after what she’s done. I’m sure that he’s not wild about having her affair on the public record.

She’s probably smart enough to know that most people will not be willing to convict him of rape because she has an affair with him in the past. She has a lot to be concerned about.

But who knows what’s going to happen. This guy might get a kick out of using even more coercion and force in the future. She will be better off with some evidence that she did tell him it was over and he threatened her.

If she brings up the two times since the first blackmail threat and he acknowledges what he did then she's has an even better chance of protecting herself in the future.

REmember that most violent crimes against women are committed by men who they have had a relationship with.


----------



## EleGirl

shattered32 said:


> And thats the reason i would always rather know than not , even if it meant that without knowing i would have had another 30-40 years with that person , happy years perhaps , but i dont want to be played , i need to know.
> 
> Wishing that one did not now , i agree and empathize with you completely , i dont know what changes this will bring ab out with me but i agree.


Yea I want to know... but don't want to pain. If only it could be like that.


----------



## WyshIknew

EleGirl said:


> All very good points.....
> 
> So this leads to why her husband would even be best freinds with a guy like this. A guy becomes good freinds with a scumb bag, then tells him to drop buy his house when he's not home to pick up something.
> 
> Sure it was probably innocent on her husband's part. But would you tell a person who you know is a thief to got get something from your house?
> 
> Maybe the husband should be more careful about the people he befriends and brings into his house. From the way the husband orgininally described this low life, he husband knew he was bad news. Not blaming the husband here... just amazed at how he found it ok to be friends with a person who is like this.
> 
> I wonder who all this POSOM has told about this thing he has with his co-worker's wife.


I think very often these guys are very outgoing, man friendly, life and soul, always got a funny story etc.
They make buddies quite easily, and your friend isn't going to cheat on you with your wife is he?


----------



## bandit.45

giashasa2012 said:


> Bandit . I believe that all this about her children and holidays are only excuses .
> 
> She is terrified because she knows what it at stake , she knows that she may lose her marriage.
> 
> She tries to hold at little longer to the life she knows.



I disagree....

She's a hollow vessel. She complains about how much her loyal husband works and busts his a*s to give her a stable life, then wastes no time jumping on a known scumbag just because he gives her a tingle? 

Puke....

I know at least fifty women here in Arizona who are just like her, and half of them are my ex-wife's friends.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

bandit.45 said:


> I disagree....
> 
> She's a hollow vessel. She complains about how much her loyal husband works and busts his a*s to give her a stable life, then wastes no time jumping on a known scumbag just because he gives her a tingle?
> 
> Puke....
> 
> I know at least fifty women here in Arizona who are just like her, and half of them are my ex-wife's friends.


This.

She had nothing to complain about, life was good, her husband was a good man, yet she just *****ishly went and betrayed the man she loved & married just because she got the tingles.

This thread makes me sick, as I said before. I feel so incredibly sorry for the husband, and am more than happy to beat the OM to a pulp for him if they are in Australia.


----------



## EleGirl

WyshIknew said:


> I think very often these guys are very outgoing, man friendly, life and soul, always got a funny story etc.
> 
> They make buddies quite easily, and your friend isn't going to cheat on you with your wife is he?


This is true... these types of people are very charismatic. Their entire sociopathic act depends on it. To these types of people their looks are very important as it’s a large part of what helps them draw people in. I’ve known both men and women like this. Learned to avoid them a long time ago as well.

And of course guy think that their ‘friend’ will not go after their wife. But it happens all the time.


----------



## laurie

I should have been more clear about the job thing. I didn't want to go to the police because if my husband's job found out, it could cause problems for him if he tries to fight. I have been sitting her trying to figure out why I did it in the first place and I think it's because his friend is everything that my husband isn't. He's a real charmer and sort of a bad boy. I think some of the women here maý be able to relate. He reminds me of Daniel Craig from James Bond. I realized that I love my family more than anything and this was just a fantasy. I totally regret what I did and I'm not too good at keeping secrets. My husband will find out one way or another but I'm too afraid to tell him.


----------



## Amyd

_"His buddy showed up for the card and I invited him in. It was the first time that I was alone with him so I made chit chat to try to get to know him. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes. I know it was wrong but all I could think about was all the sexual things that my husband told me about him. It was hard for me to carry on a conversation without asking him if it were all true. Somehow, the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day." _

If this above paragraph is true then you have serious problems and should get to a therapist ASAP.


----------



## bandit.45

laurie said:


> I should have been more clear about the job thing. I didn't want to go to the police because if my husband's job found out, it could cause problems for him if he tries to fight. I have been sitting her trying to figure out why I did it in the first place and I think it's because his friend is everything that my husband isn't. He's a real charmer and sort of a bad boy. I think some of the women here maý be able to relate. He reminds me of Daniel Craig from James Bond. I realized that *I love my family more than anything *and this was just a fantasy. I totally regret what I did and I'm not too good at keeping secrets. My husband will find out one way or another but I'm too afraid to tell him.


Family....

You love your family.

You just don't love your husband. Admit it.


----------



## costa200

I see several things of interest with this story. First the husband basically upped that other dude's sex rank to his wife without even knowing. Everytime he told his wife that guy had lots of women and had his way with them he was basically saying to his own wife that this guy is biologically a perfect partner for a married woman who can cuckhold her husband.

Lesson for you guys out there. Don't comment on your friend's exploits with the ladies. Women will SAY that he is a slime ball but the primal part of their brains that controls sexual drive will be keeping note and increase his rating every time you do it. 



> He was a real gentleman, in shape, and had a lot of confidence.


You wouldn't know what a gentleman is if it bit you in the a$$. You want to know what a gentleman is? Look at your husband, the guy who is busting his hide working for you and the kids while you go around sleeping with his co-worker. Self-sacrifice for family at the expense of his wishes. That's a gentleman! And he will get his heart and life ripped out of him. Because you had the hots for some loser who doesn't think twice about blackmailing a woman like that.




> I am ashamed to say it but there were times when I was with him while our son was home.


Did you "love" your "family" while doing this?
There is a huge difference between your actions and the chewing gum format one liners you are now using. Your husband will pick those up real quick.


----------



## bandit.45

costa200 said:


> I
> Lesson for you guys out there. Don't comment on your friend's exploits with the ladies. *Women will SAY that he is a slime ball but the primal part of their brains that controls sexual drive will be keeping note and increase his rating every time you do it. *


But wait! I thought women were more highly evolved than us knuckledraggers?


----------



## costa200

bandit.45 said:


> But wait! I thought women were more highly evolved than us knuckledraggers?


They are obviously not... Just look at this board. Guys that are the "perfect husband" type being cheated on left and right.

Quite honestly, if nothing else men are just more aware of their primal needs than women. Or women try to hide it more. I can't really decide which.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

laurie said:


> I should have been more clear about the job thing. *I didn't want to go to the police because if my husband's job found out, it could cause problems for him if he tries to fight.* I have been sitting her trying to figure out why I did it in the first place and I think it's because *his friend is everything that my husband isn't. He's a real charmer and sort of a bad boy. I think some of the women here maý be able to relate. *He reminds me of Daniel Craig from James Bond. I realized that *I love my family more than anything and this was just a fantasy.* I totally regret what I did and I'm not too good at keeping secrets. My husband will find out one way or another but I'm too afraid to tell him.


OK. Tell me what type of job does your husband have where going to the police would cause your husband problems? Bullsh!t.

Yeah...your "bad boy" is everything your husband is not, i.e. womanizer, blackmailer, rapist, all around pure scum. Nailed it...

No, you do not love your family more than anything. You love yourself more than your husband or your children. Otherwise, you would not have put yourself in a situation where you would have sex with a known womanizer and a person who treated his wife like sh!t.

If I can sum this up with one phrase: "You are an idiot". I'm sorry, because I try very hard not to engage in name calling. But clearly you fell for the guy because he was hot and you loved his so called bad boy image. 

Evidently the sex must have been really hot, the guy must have been well endowed and you couldn't get enough. Yeah...this will go over great with your husband because he will inevitably ask for the details. What are you going to do then? Lie and tell your husband that the sex was so so at best? Good luck with that. You husband knows more about this scum bag than you do, and he WILL NOT believe that you didn't enjoy riding the guy. You're going to have to confess this in detail if your husband asks. Word of advice: DO NOT SUGAR COAT THIS AND BE AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE!! If you H asks for a timeline and details of when, where, positions used, how much pleasure you felt, etc...you better be prepared to answer it all.

Let me guess. You did things with the OM that you never did to your husband or you refused regularly to your husband, right? I'll also bet you had unprotected sex with the OM too, right?

This thread p!sses me off. If I was your husband, I'd not want to touch you ever again in my life, and I'd regret the day I'd ever set eyes on you. I'd divorce you. You know what's really sad? I've never experienced infidelity in my own marriage, and this thread has inspired me to feel like a betrayed spouse.


----------



## Madman1

Laurie,
If you ever want to be more than a shell of a human being, a sick piece of meat, the first step is to tell your husband, if you do not than dont say you love or care because it will not be true.

And she did persue him, she has explained it all, curiousity and lust (thx bandit.45) led her to engage him.

Well at least his blackmail showed how little regard he has for you, because many cheating wives go back and forth, breaking up and going back. HeII you still may if you dont tell your husband.

Why oh why did I hit the new post button today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane

laurie said:


> I should have been more clear about the job thing. I didn't want to go to the police because if my husband's job found out, it could cause problems for him if he tries to fight. I have been sitting her trying to figure out why I did it in the first place and I think it's because his friend is everything that my husband isn't. He's a real charmer and sort of a bad boy. I think some of the women here maý be able to relate. He reminds me of Daniel Craig from James Bond. I realized that I love my family more than anything and this was just a fantasy. I totally regret what I did and I'm not too good at keeping secrets. My husband will find out one way or another but I'm too afraid to tell him.


You are grasping at any possible rationalization to put off telling your husband.

You say you aren't going to sleep with the blackmailer again, but if he threatens to tell your husband, you are going to have to sleep with him again or tell your husband or he will. So your statement about not sleeping with him again is a lie, isn't it?

*Your excuse about the police and fighting and husband losing his job is laughable*.

*Your excuse about keeping the holidays happy is laughable *too. 
There always are more holidays, after Christmas there will be Valentine's Day, the kids' birthdays, Easter, Memorial Day, summer vacation, Halloween, Thanksgiving.

*If you don't want to tell your husband ever, just say so and go about continuing your affair*. If you want to end it, then stop putting it off and just do it.

In case you haven't figured this out yet, *the longer you let this go on, the worse it will get.* The sooner you end it, the better it will be for all involved.

*Get blackmailer on tape. Tell your husband. Go to the police.*


----------



## kenmoore14217

Correct me please: Your H and the OM workout together as well as work together but OM lives in another state?


----------



## warlock07

Th last post seems to be made to rile up the TAM crowd...


----------



## Will_Kane

laurie said:


> Well if I could go back to that day I wouldn't even had opened the door. I can't explain how or why we had sex. It just sort of happened. I think I was infactuated at the time and it clouded my judgement. *It happens to the best of us. *Prior to this, I have never known him to cheat on me and that's another thing that makes me feel very guilty.


It doesn't happen to the best of us. Not this.


----------



## jmb123

laurie said:


> Honestly, I wish that I didn't have to tell him and that I could somehow put this behind me. On the other hand, it is better that hears it from me rather than his friend. From what he has told me so far, he doesn't care about anyone else's feelings so I don't think he is bluffing.


Why live in the fear of dying everyday ;;;Tell your husband;;;;
I feel sorry for him;;;;
But he deserves the truth;;;;Sooner or later he will know;;;
What is iy you are frightened of or waiting for;;;;The day when the OM stops using you as his sex toy;;;and day after things will become normal for you and your husband for he will never get to know anything;;;;No things will never be the same;;;You need to tell your husband all;;;;While you read our message,I suggest you call your husband and tell him;;;Yo can tell hm about this site also;;;
It will be his discretion whether he wants to be with you or not;;;;And lies do not go for;;Honesty might save your relation;;;

Also what ou chose to do was well thought off;;;Not every man and woman start sleeping with 'handsome/beatiful' looking person while talking to them if they really did not want too;;;
And you know what if you wanted to come clean ,you had have atleastbeen honest to your husband;;;


----------



## EleGirl

kenmoore14217 said:


> Correct me please: Your H and the OM workout together as well as work together but OM lives in another state?


I misread it the first time as well. She did not say that the OM lives in another state.

She said that taping him is not illegal in her state.




laurie said:


> ... I will go to radioshack on tomorrow to get a recording device. I was worried that it may be illegal to tape him but since it isn't in my state, this would really help me to get him by the ballz. I just hope and pray that my husband can find a way to forgive me.


----------



## Amyd

warlock07 said:


> Th last post seems to be made to rile up the TAM crowd...


There does seem to be a fictionalized element in the writing.


----------



## jmb123

External beauty(beauty standard as set by the society and accepted by all) is skin deep;;;

And you are right ,the OM was everything which your husband was not;;he is a piece of **** while your husband is honest;;his external appearance is sking deep ,your loyal husband;s is soul deep;;;;;he destrys life and is a psycho;whle your husband wants a family;;;

Now I have made the comparison clear;;;;;leaving the two aside;;;;;How deep are you;;;;;You do not seem to be remorseful of breaking your family for you justify that ****'s 'GREAT LOOKS AND CHARMING' cheating persona;;;;;;;
If you love your family;;;things are going to work only by Honesty;;;tell him;;;and I hope you sincere efforts saves your family;;


----------



## EleGirl

Amyd said:


> There does seem to be a fictionalized element in the writing.


Real life is often stranger than fiction.

The moderators here are pretty good at picking up on the fictitious threads. If this one just disappears we’ll know why. 

Until it’s proven otherwise, it’s really best to treat a thread as real or just not post on it. The moderatos have even asked in the past that we not accuse other posters of making up stories.

There have been some pretty wild stories posted here that have proven to be ficticious. This one is mild in comparison.


----------



## Amyd

EleGirl said:


> Real life is often stranger than fiction.
> 
> The moderators here are pretty good at picking up on the fictitious threads. If this one just disappears we’ll know why.
> 
> Until it’s proven otherwise, it’s really best to treat a thread as real or just not post on it. The moderatos have even asked in the past that we not accuse other posters of making up stories.
> 
> There have been some pretty wild stories posted here that have proven to be ficticious. This one is mild in comparison.


If this thread is true then maybe I'm not that insane. I feel better now.


----------



## EleGirl

Amyd said:


> If this thread is true then maybe I'm not that insane. I feel better now.


I've seen a lot worse in real life.


----------



## survivorwife

laurie said:


> I should have been more clear about the job thing. I didn't want to go to the police because if my husband's job found out, it could cause problems for him if he tries to fight. I have been sitting her trying to figure out why I did it in the first place and I think it's because his friend is everything that my husband isn't. He's a real charmer and sort of a bad boy. I think some of the women here maý be able to relate. He reminds me of Daniel Craig from James Bond. I realized that I love my family more than anything and this was just a fantasy. I totally regret what I did and I'm not too good at keeping secrets. My husband will find out one way or another but I'm too afraid to tell him.


Okay, now I can call B.S. on this one.

1. "It could cause problems for your H if he tries to fight"? WTF? Problems for the VICTIM? I think not. You are protecting the alleged "rapist" instead? The "rapist" with whom you have had consensual sex with up until the point that YOU were done with him? Who then, in turn, threatened to tell your H?

2. Oh, but he's so cute! Looks like Daniel Craig. Well whoop-e-do! That would certainly explain your attraction to this guy after your H warned you about him.

3. You are not too good at keeping secrets, but you had an A under your own roof with a man that your H warned you about and have gotten away with it thus far? There's a major B.S. in that story.

4. If you loved your family more than anything else, this A would not have happened, regardless of what your AP looked like. Not a chance in heck would you have slept with him if you loved your family more. And no, it was not just a fantasy. It was real. Own it.

5. Yes, your H will find out. If you know this now, and still love your H, you should be the one to tell him. Now. Not later. No excuses. You have no choice.

I strongly suspect that you are being less than truthful here. Perhaps your AP did threaten to tell your H if you broke it off. If that is true, you have no other choice but to break it off immediately. You can hold your tongue and hope that your AP doesn't make good on his threat, or you could own what you have done and tell your H now (not after the holidays). Instead you imply that you will continue being "blackmailed" until it is a more convenient time. You will sacrifice your marriage by continuing your affair to spare your H the heartbreak until after the holidays. How noble of you. 

You did what you did. Own it. Stop seeing the OM. Tell your H.


----------



## CandieGirl

Paulination said:


> I'm sorry but this sounds like the set up of a cheesy early 80's porn script. I'm calling bullsh!t.


Either that or an ABC Sunday night movie...;-)


----------



## CandieGirl

costa200 said:


> They are obviously not... Just look at this board. Guys that are the "perfect husband" type being cheated on left and right.
> 
> Quite honestly, if nothing else men are just more aware of their primal needs than women. Or women try to hide it more. I can't really decide which.


They should all read MMSL. Run the Map.


----------



## survivorwife

bandit.45 said:


> But wait! I thought women were more highly evolved than us knuckledraggers?


But bandit, THIS guy looks like Daniel Craig! Charming, Attractive, a bit of a Bad Boy. Don't you know that we married women are suckers for these types of men? 

:lol:


----------



## Amyd

EleGirl said:


> I've seen a lot worse in real life.


I don't even know how people have time for all these affairs?? Don't they have to pay bills, work, clean their homes, take their cars to the garage, fight with insurance companies...

The thread does make good entertainment for me though. Must admit that.


----------



## Amyd

CandieGirl said:


> Either that or an ABC Sunday night movie...;-)


Lifetime Movie of the week.


----------



## CandieGirl

Amyd said:


> I don't even know how people have time for all these affairs?? Don't they have to pay bills, work, clean their homes, take their cars to the garage, fight with insurance companies...
> 
> The thread does make good entertainment for me thought. Must admit that.


On a more serious note, never underestimate how LITTLE time one needs to have an affair. If your husband stole 30 minutes once every 2-4 weeks, I doubt you'd notice it either.


----------



## Amyd

CandieGirl said:


> On a more serious note, never underestimate how LITTLE time one needs to have an affair. If your husband stole 30 minutes once every 2-4 weeks, I doubt you'd notice it either.


I would notice it because he would be a nervous wreck.


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## DavidWYoung

I think you should keep up the affair, because your husband is a POS who WORKS FOR MONEY! That POS! The other man says nice things to you and he is cute and such a MAN and he has time NOT to work for evil MONEY!Your kids do not need a Mom as a role model, your POS Husband does not need an honest wife that has his back and that he can trust thru thick or thin. Oh, that wedding thing you went thru, forget that, that is just a bunch of words. Does not matter one bit, the only thing that matters is how YOU feel! How the other MAN makes you feel, How good and ****ty you feel with the other man. Merry Chrismas and Happy New Year early to you.


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## bandit.45

survivorwife said:


> But bandit, THIS guy looks like Daniel Craig! Charming, Attractive, a bit of a Bad Boy. Don't you know that we married women are suckers for these types of men?
> 
> :lol:


Yeah....

The OP was a sucker all right...a sucker on the first day and every time thereafter....

Why do you think he kept coming back for more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

CandieGirl said:


> They should all read MMSL. Run the Map.


I have MAPs. I have MAPs loaded on my GPS, MAPs in my glove compartment, MAPs on my bookshelf....

I got enough MAPs. Why can't some men and women just be content with the mate they have chosen? Instead of comparing them to some idealized fantasy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

Yeah, Laurie...ya lost me at the whole bad boy bullsnot line. Good luck. If this is real - tell your husband before Christmas so he can move on away from your toxicity.


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## Kasler

Yep time to bow out. Thread is fishier than the Pacific.


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## jkak

Paulination said:


> I'm sorry but this sounds like the set up of a cheesy early 80's porn script. I'm calling bullsh!t.


my thoughts exactly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX

tom67 said:


> You have to tell him now he deserves the truth and how he deals with it is up to him.


This makes me sad because now his Thanksgiving and Christmas will always be tarnished by this...forever!

I agree she needs to tell him, its just really bad timing...I feel bad for her husband!

Every year at Thanksgiving I get sad thinking about the 2 Thanksgivings he wasnt here.


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## Kallan Pavithran

In what a toxic marriage her husband is living now without a knowledge of what is going on his back.........

Poor guy working hard for feeding his children and lovely wife.His lovely wife is screwing Daniel craig on his marital bed.

She is not going to confess but eventually he will find out. Then this entitled princes can be seen on the road.


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## river rat

I agree w/ those of you who judge this thread as fishy. However, could be plausible. I once knew a guy who specialized in nailing his friends' girlfriends. He was nice looking, well mannered, and had some sort of pheromone thing going on. I thought he was a dirtbag. I'm sure his life has caught up w/ him by now.


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## WyshIknew

It's ok. He's got a license to thrill.


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## bandit.45

I think this thread's for real. I'll ride it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS

river rat said:


> I agree w/ those of you who judge this thread as fishy. However, could be plausible. I once knew a guy who specialized in nailing his friends' girlfriends. He was nice looking, well mannered, and had some sort of pheromone thing going on. I thought he was a dirtbag. I'm sure his life has caught up w/ him by now.


Hard to say. I know there are guys that do this. I didn't believe this thread at first, but I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt because the story does seam like it could possibly happen. But it does have the appearance of someone teeing the ball up and giving you an oversized headed driver...


----------



## Doc Who

All I can say is how soulless can one person be?

Really, you should complete the trifecta of cheating, cheating with his friend, by divorcing him, taking all his money and kids and moving in with the OM.

What else can you do to destroy him as selfishly as you possibly could? I am sure you can think of many things. You seem to excel at it (again, if this is real)

If you are not as soulless and heartless as you seem to be, then tell your husband so he can move on.


----------



## bandit.45

I believe this thread is for real because I know women just like her. Bored, well-off, entitled suburban housewives who have no other ambition than to live off their husbands' hard work, get their hair and nails done twice a week, complain and moan about what they don't have compared to their girlfriends, and covet each others husbands. 

There is a whole society of such women in the Scottsdale/Phoenix area. This could totally happen. 

And yes, she's not the only gullible woman in her husband's social circle who this creep is banging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## remorseful strayer

laurie said:


> Whatever I did, I knew that I had to break off the affair. I called him on last week and told him that we can no longer see each other. I told him that my family is too precious to lose and that I can't sleep with him anymore. I thought he would understand but he actually shocked me.
> 
> *He told me that this sexual arrangement will be over when he says that it is over. *He says that if I try to break it off, he will tell my husband everything and say that I seduced him. He also described in detail all my tattoos and this is something that would make my husband know he was telling the truth. This hurt me bad and I just didn't know what to do. Although I have been depressed about the whole situation, I have seen his friend twice since the conversation and we had sex both times.
> 
> I don't want my husband to find out about this from his best friend. the problem is that I am afraid to tell him myself because I don't know what his reaction will be. I don't want him to leave me and I want to make this relationship work. What should I do to fix this?? His friend says he is serious about tell him and he said that it is over when he says it is over. Help please.


I am sorry. It appears you got involved with a person with a personality disorder. Perhaps, narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathy or perhaps, (and i hope not) psychopathy. 

The control issue is the red flag, as is the lack of empathy or remorse.

With that said, my affair partner wanted to continue and that is how my wife found out. 

Your husband is going to be enraged and devastated. IMO, it's best if he hears this from you. It's time to stop the lying and deceitful behaviors, if you have any chance of a reconciliation.

I agree with Bandit, this thread is real. There are a lot of bored desperate housewives out there. My affair partner was one, and bandit describe her to a T. she complained about her husband's lack of attention to her. She also complained about her husband working too much to pay the bills for the life she wanted. Her need for attention was insatiable. She also really pushed for sex and I was too stupid to say "no".


----------



## laurie

Ok I have accepted the fact that everyone that has responded has suggested that I tell my husband at some point. When I came here, I was prepared to tell him if only to get his friend away from me. I understand that it will be his choice as to whether or not to stay together. 

My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake. If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know. I love him and my children dearly. It is to the point where I don't want them to be away from me. I know what this will do to my husband. Yes I made a very stupid mistake on more than one occasion. Yes I was infactuated with him and yes I was feeling lonely. The way I see it, I would still try to be with this guy if I didn't love my husband. The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him.

Now I won't say that my husband isn't a good man. He works hard to provide for us and he works so I don't have to. I have been feeling that he has gotten complacent in our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not very good at keeping secrets. If this had happened a few years ago, my husband would have noticed my mood change and would have been able to pick up that something was wrong. The fact that he seems to be oblivious to this shows how disconnected we are and how much he has been focused on other things besides me.

Also when I posted last night, my greatest fear was thinking about his friend telling him and my husband facing me to see if it was true. Now that I have read a few scenarios and thought about things, I'm not too sure that I believe he would tell. Yes he is divorced but he still has to work and keep up a social life. Even if he does tell my husband, he has something to lose as well as me. What I'm trying to ask is, why is it not a good idea to just try to block him out of my life and to just try to move on with my family? Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him. I have just been trying to protect his feelings.


----------



## bandit.45

Oh....my....god....

My head hurts. I'm outta here.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

You wont tell him, your OM may not tell him but what about other friends to whom OM bragged about ****ing you and making your husband a cuckold? How can you shut them for ever?

Truth cannot be suppressed for ever, it will come out one day.

Never again say you love or care about your husband or children its ridiculous.


----------



## jmb123

laurie said:


> Ok I have accepted the fact that everyone that has responded has suggested that I tell my husband at some point. When I came here, I was prepared to tell him if only to get his friend away from me. I understand that it will be his choice as to whether or not to stay together.
> 
> My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake. If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know. I love him and my children dearly. It is to the point where I don't want them to be away from me. I know what this will do to my husband. Yes I made a very stupid mistake on more than one occasion. Yes I was infactuated with him and yes I was feeling lonely. The way I see it, I would still try to be with this guy if I didn't love my husband. The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him.
> 
> Now I won't say that my husband isn't a good man. He works hard to provide for us and he works so I don't have to. I have been feeling that he has gotten complacent in our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not very good at keeping secrets. If this had happened a few years ago, my husband would have noticed my mood change and would have been able to pick up that something was wrong. The fact that he seems to be oblivious to this shows how disconnected we are and how much he has been focused on other things besides me.
> 
> Also when I posted last night, my greatest fear was thinking about his friend telling him and my husband facing me to see if it was true. Now that I have read a few scenarios and thought about things, I'm not too sure that I believe he would tell. Yes he is divorced but he still has to work and keep up a social life. Even if he does tell my husband, he has something to lose as well as me. What I'm trying to ask is, why is it not a good idea to just try to block him out of my life and to just try to move on with my family? Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him. I have just been trying to protect his feelings.


Do not worry if in future,suddenly your loving husband tells you that he got other children from many other women;;but yes he did not tell you because he loves you;;;;;;;and from time to time he sleeps with other women all so beautiful;;;;;but everytime he realizes it as his mistake and stops;;;;but he never tells you for he loves you;;;;;;And this would be the MARRAIGE for you and then for your children for whom you are are a role model;;;;;Your mantra is to cheat, and hide;;;;Go ahead with it;;;;And enjoy when it comes back to you too;;;;;


----------



## jmb123

See laurie,let me put this frankly, if I was your husband,I would want the truth out;;;I do not care whether you love me or not;;;All I care is whether you are honest or not;;;;I might be living my life trusting you ;;;You cannot decide as per your convenience to do wahtever and use me for you love me and I am a good man;;;You have to teell me and face the consequence;;;Am not a commodity;;;do you get me;;;;


----------



## jmb123

Kallan Pavithran said:


> You wont tell him, your OM may not tell him but what about other friends to whom OM bragged about ****ing you and making your husband a cuckold? How can you shut them for ever?
> 
> Truth cannot be suppressed for ever, it will come out one day.
> 
> Never again say you love or care about your husband or children its ridiculous.


I really need to put forth this;;;Is it just about people knowing and telling;;;;I do not think so;;;If my spouse did such a thing,then whther or not anybody knows ,I am supposed to be told for I have put my faith;;;;What about the mutual trust,the vows????
What is the meaning of having a relationship if it is about hiding;;;whats the point of marrying;;then the entire concept of relationship becomes like a using a commodity;;;


----------



## WyshIknew

laurie said:


> Ok I have accepted the fact that everyone that has responded has suggested that I tell my husband at some point. When I came here, I was prepared to tell him if only to get his friend away from me. I understand that it will be his choice as to whether or not to stay together.
> 
> My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake No, a mistake is 2+2=5. You made a choice.. If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know. I love him and my children dearly Really? You have a strange way of showing that.. It is to the point where I don't want them to be away from me. I know what this will do to my husband. Yes I made a very stupid mistake on more than one occasion See above but add 'series of choices'.. Yes I was infactuated with him and yes I was feeling lonely. The way I see it, I would still try to be with this guy if I didn't love my husband. The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him. Umm no. Not doing it in the first place may add a little more weight to your statement
> 
> Now I won't say that my husband isn't a good man. He works hard to provide for us and he works so I don't have to. I have been feeling that he has gotten complacent in our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not very good at keeping secrets. If this had happened a few years ago, my husband would have noticed my mood change and would have been able to pick up that something was wrong. The fact that he seems to be oblivious to this shows how disconnected we are and how much he has been focused on other things besides me. So instead of talking to your husband about this you thought humping OM was a better strategy
> 
> Also when I posted last night, my greatest fear was thinking about his friend telling him and my husband facing me to see if it was true. Now that I have read a few scenarios and thought about things, I'm not too sure that I believe he would tell. Yes he is divorced but he still has to work and keep up a social life. Even if he does tell my husband, he has something to lose as well as me. What I'm trying to ask is, why is it not a good idea to just try to block him out of my life and to just try to move on with my family? Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him. I have just been trying to protect his feelings.


Only you know your husband (he certainly does not know you).

You may be right and burying this affair may be the best thing for your husband (I almost hate myself for typing this). I personally would like to know.

How are you going to deal with this? You are going to live your life fearful he will find out.
Every time you watch a film with adultery as the theme, every time an aquaintance suffers from adultery and your husband makes a comment of disgust and says "I'm glad we're not like that" and every time he carries out an act of love on your birthday, anniversary whatever if you are any kind of the remnants of a decent person you will die a little inside each time knowing of your betrayal.

What happens when you get bored again? Have another affair? Having got away with it once you will no doubt find it easier to cheat again.

What happens when James Bond has nothing to lose and comes around for another turn? Because eventually that could happen.


----------



## NewM

EleGirl said:


> Hearing the tape might also help her husband with his putting into perspective that this guy is not his friend. Ya never know what this guy is going to tell her husband after she fesses up. He's already said that he will tell her husband that she went after him. Who knows what lies he will tell to cover for himself.


Well from her story she did go after him:


laurie said:


> I was shocked by how handsome he was.
> 
> His buddy showed up for the card and I invited him in. It was the first time that I was alone with him so I made chit chat to try to get to know him. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes. I know it was wrong but all I could think about was all the sexual things that my husband told me about him. It was hard for me to carry on a conversation without asking him if it were all true. Somehow, the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day. He later told my husband that he had a flat tire so that's why he was late to work.


So she thought that he was hot and when he was supposed to just pick a keycard she invited him in and started talking about sex and then gave him a BJ,so she was the one who initiated it and OM didn't even have to be a big player to pick up on her signs to know whats going on.

Id say OM probably wasn't even thinking about it when he was coming for a keycard,he was there just to pick it up,and she started it all.


----------



## theroad

laurie said:


> Ok I have accepted the fact that everyone that has responded has suggested that I tell my husband at some point. When I came here, I was prepared to tell him if only to get his friend away from me. I understand that it will be his choice as to whether or not to stay together.
> 
> My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake. If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know. I love him and my children dearly. It is to the point where I don't want them to be away from me. I know what this will do to my husband. Yes I made a very stupid mistake on more than one occasion. Yes I was infactuated with him and yes I was feeling lonely. The way I see it, I would still try to be with this guy if I didn't love my husband. The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him.
> 
> Now I won't say that my husband isn't a good man. He works hard to provide for us and he works so I don't have to. I have been feeling that he has gotten complacent in our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not very good at keeping secrets. If this had happened a few years ago, my husband would have noticed my mood change and would have been able to pick up that something was wrong. The fact that he seems to be oblivious to this shows how disconnected we are and how much he has been focused on other things besides me.
> 
> Also when I posted last night, my greatest fear was thinking about his friend telling him and my husband facing me to see if it was true. Now that I have read a few scenarios and thought about things, I'm not too sure that I believe he would tell. Yes he is divorced but he still has to work and keep up a social life. Even if he does tell my husband, he has something to lose as well as me. What I'm trying to ask is, why is it not a good idea to just try to block him out of my life and to just try to move on with my family? Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him. I have just been trying to protect his feelings.



Your BH has to be told.

The chances for recovery will be the best if your BH hers about the affair from you first.


----------



## EleGirl

NewM said:


> Well from her story she did go after him:
> 
> So she thought that he was hot and when he was supposed to just pick a keycard she invited him in and started talking about sex and then gave him a BJ,so she was the one who initiated it and OM didn't even have to be a big player to pick up on her signs to know whats going on.
> 
> Id say OM probably wasn't even thinking about it when he was coming for a keycard,he was there just to pick it up,and she started it all.


If she had made phone calls to him, gone to his place, all on many occassions and he finally gave in, then I would agree taht she 'went after him'.

What happened seems to have been a mutual thing that went from him entering the house to sex in a very short time.

I do not agree that she was the agressor. It was mutual from her description.


----------



## C-man

Tell your husband the truth. 

Or, tell him his friend came over you tripped, and as you were falling, your mouth ended up around his penis. 

OR, you could simply hide the truth and live a lie for the next few years until the lie comes out. They always do, eventually. But you will get a few more years of family/marital life out of it so long as you don't trip with your mouth ending up around another man's penis again. 

Whatever you do, make sure you stress to yourself how it was not your fault and you didn't mean for it to happen.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Most likely her husband already has suspicions that her and the OM are having an affair. After she blew him the very first time when picking up his badge, her husband asked right away "what took you so long?". Knowing the OM the way he does, he probably felt intense regret that he sent him to his house. He's not dumb and he's probably putting the facts together as I type this out.


----------



## NewM

EleGirl said:


> If she had made phone calls to him, gone to his place, all on many occassions and he finally gave in, then I would agree taht she 'went after him'.
> 
> What happened seems to have been a mutual thing that went from him entering the house to sex in a very short time.
> 
> I do not agree that she was the agressor. It was mutual from her description.


What you explained would be her her being the aggressor to higher extent.

Most males will accept invitation to females house and then notice when she is attracted by body language and when she starts talking about sex every guy will know what is she up to.She was the aggressor here if you ask me and OM wouldn't be laying to say that it was her who made most of the advances.

Now all the other meetings after the first time were mutual(before blackmailing started).


----------



## Shaggy

Your husband is essentially a dead man walking at this point. The guy he's sharing his thoughts with is sleeping with his wife, and his wife is planning on letting him continue to talk to this "friend" completely in the dark for months more.

PLEASE Tell him TODAY.

Do not let him waste any more time talking to the very you are cheating with. 

You husband is going to be devestated, but every minute past NOW that you don't tell him is adding to your betrayal of him. Everything you let him be around the guy, while the guy is laughing at him is cruel beyond belief.

This piece of crap OM needs someone to take him down and bring him a lot of personal suffering an pain for what he's done to his so call friend. What a piece of filth.

As for your part of the story - YOUR husband is going to realize that not only did you choose to betray him with this *******, but you choose to let the ******* laugh at him right in front of him for month upon month.

That you've had this POSOM in your bed. 

I'm guessing you've even turned your husband down for sex because you wanted to save yourself and be clean for the OM.

Have you also come home with the OM's filth on you and then had sex with your husband?

If you think these are nasty questions - get used to them because they are the questions your husband is going to ask you.

And they are questions he deserves to have the truth told about. 

Do not hide anything at this point - you've betrayed your husband twice now by 1) Cheating 2) Letting the OM humiliate him

Do not add third betrayal by not telling your husband the truth.

I must say I don't know if I'm rooting for your marriage to survive. The first time you met the OM , he had you giving him oral sex after 30 min. It ONLY took him 30 min to get you to choose to dump you husband and to have sex with him in your husbands house. You don't sound like a very good catch if a complete stranger can get you to betray your marriage and children after only 30 minutes.


----------



## Numbersixxx

laurie said:


> Ok I have accepted the fact that everyone that has responded has suggested that I tell my husband at some point. When I came here, I was prepared to tell him if only to get his friend away from me. I understand that it will be his choice as to whether or not to stay together.
> 
> My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake. If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know. I love him and my children dearly. It is to the point where I don't want them to be away from me. I know what this will do to my husband. Yes I made a very stupid mistake on more than one occasion. Yes I was infactuated with him and yes I was feeling lonely. The way I see it, I would still try to be with this guy if I didn't love my husband. The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him.
> 
> Now I won't say that my husband isn't a good man. He works hard to provide for us and he works so I don't have to. I have been feeling that he has gotten complacent in our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not very good at keeping secrets. If this had happened a few years ago, my husband would have noticed my mood change and would have been able to pick up that something was wrong. The fact that he seems to be oblivious to this shows how disconnected we are and how much he has been focused on other things besides me.
> 
> Also when I posted last night, my greatest fear was thinking about his friend telling him and my husband facing me to see if it was true. Now that I have read a few scenarios and thought about things, I'm not too sure that I believe he would tell. Yes he is divorced but he still has to work and keep up a social life. Even if he does tell my husband, he has something to lose as well as me. What I'm trying to ask is, why is it not a good idea to just try to block him out of my life and to just try to move on with my family? Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him. I have just been trying to protect his feelings.


What you should do is to continue the affair. If/when you get pregnant with the OM you can still pretend it is your husband’s child. 

After some years when you get totally bored with your husband, you can file for divorce and take 60% of his wealth and also make him pay child support for OM’s kid and alimony for you. 

You can also file for some bogus domestic violence claim and keep him from seeing his children. So, you will be financially independent and can focus your time on having fun with all the Daniel Craig look-alikes that you want.


----------



## TRy

laurie said:


> My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake. If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know.


 Because if you tell him, you are giving him a reason to trust what you are saying going forward. Because everyday that your husband thinks that the other man is his friend is another day that both you and the other man have played him the fool. Because the other man is an evil person and both you and your husband needs him out of your lives. Because if your husband finds out on his own later, it will be so much more hurtful and the betrays so much more complete. If you really love your husband, please tell him.


----------



## Shaggy

My world would be a little brighter tomorrow if this turns out to be from troll.

I find it horrible to think that it took only 30 min for the OM to have you on your knees giving him oral. All the years your husband put into you and your boys, and it took this jerk 30 min to convince you to throw it all away to satisfy his need to get off.

I don't want to live in a world were someone could actually be that horrible to their children and husband.

My advice: If you are a troll, please come out an admit it.

If you're not a troll. Then tell your husband TODAY. And go check yourself into a mental hospital. You need intense and immediate help beyond just telling your husband that you are cheating with the human filth her call a friend. You are broken inside morally. There is no way someone who isn't deeply broken could have gone from faithful to cheater in 30 min in their own home with a stranger.


----------



## EleGirl

NewM said:


> What you explained would be her her being the aggressor to higher extent.
> 
> Most males will accept invitation to females house and then notice when she is attracted by body language and when she starts talking about sex every guy will know what is she up to.She was the aggressor here if you ask me and OM wouldn't be laying to say that it was her who made most of the advances.
> 
> Now all the other meetings after the first time were mutual(before blackmailing started).


So now if a woman shows interest in a man who is interested, she's the agressor? Poor guy is a victim.. i feel so bad for him. :scratchhead:


----------



## Ovid

You can end the "blackmail" any time the same way you can end the affair. Tell your husband. 

This "blackmail" is a lousey excuse and does not make you a victem. All of your excuses are just your way out of taking responsibility for your actions and maintaining your affair.

Just remember everytime you pass on telling your H and have sex with OM you are proving that you prefer effing the OM to the love you claim to have for your husband and children.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Shaggy said:


> *Do not hide anything at this point - you've betrayed your husband twice now by 1) Cheating 2) Letting the OM humiliate him*
> 
> Do not add third betrayal by not telling your husband the truth.
> 
> I must say I don't know if I'm rooting for your marriage to survive. The first time you met the OM , he had you giving him oral sex after 30 min. It ONLY took him 30 min to get you to choose to dump you husband and to have sex with him in your husbands house. * You don't sound like a very good catch if a complete stranger can get you to betray your marriage and children after only 30 minutes.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> :iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## the guy

Man what is this world coming to when a guy can get away with this?
I remember when if you slept with a married women you better watch your back cuz you were dead if the husband found out.

Now a days guys sleep with married with out any fear!


If your husband owns a gun this guy has alot of ball to blackmail you. WHO DO YOU THINK WILL GET SHOT YOU OR OM? 

If it was me I would tell OM he should be concerned about his safety. You should have told him that as soon as he black mailed you. but I doubt at the time it really didn't matter.

Granted the VAR is the best way to go, but it just pisses me off that thats were we have come...were a OM has nothing to worry about. 40 years ago a husband could get a way with kicking the crap out of OM, and instead of getting a pat on the back by the cops, the husband goes to jail.

Why is it its always the good friend that tries to blackmail the chick but strange care a less. At least that was Mrs. the-guys experience....and by the way I am a gun collect so Mrs. the-guy laughted her @ss of when the POS "friend" of mine tried pulling that crap.


----------



## SomedayDig

the guy said:


> Man what is this world coming to when a guy can get away with this?
> I remember when if you slept with a married women you better watch your back cuz you were dead if the husband found out.
> 
> *Now a days guys sleep with married with out any fear!
> *


Yep. Til they meet the "wrong" husband. I still smile knowing that I took down the xOM's entire life. Thanks cheaterville!! 

A guy who was once a big attorney is now in sales. For a green energy company.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## the guy

In short, the OM has just as much to loose if and when this affair comes out, so tell OM to phuck off!!!!!! hell dare him to tell your H.

I know this doesn't help the case in telling H but he will find out sooner or later ....we all do!


signed,
the guy with the cheating wife


----------



## the guy

SomedayDig said:


> Yep. Til they meet the "wrong" husband. I still smile knowing that I took down the xOM's entire life. Thanks cheaterville!!
> 
> A guy who was once a big attorney is now in sales. For a green energy company.
> 
> :rofl::rofl::rofl:


I hear you, the "friend" I mention sometimes, was an employee, I fired him and exposed the affair, he is done with in my industry.


----------



## remorseful strayer

laurie said:


> Ok I have accepted the fact that everyone that has responded has suggested that I tell my husband at some point. When I came here, I was prepared to tell him if only to get his friend away from me. I understand that it will be his choice as to whether or not to stay together.
> 
> My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake. If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know. I love him and my children dearly. It is to the point where I don't want them to be away from me. I know what this will do to my husband. Yes I made a very stupid mistake on more than one occasion. Yes I was infactuated with him and yes I was feeling lonely. The way I see it, I would still try to be with this guy if I didn't love my husband. The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him.
> 
> Now I won't say that my husband isn't a good man. He works hard to provide for us and he works so I don't have to. I have been feeling that he has gotten complacent in our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not very good at keeping secrets. If this had happened a few years ago, my husband would have noticed my mood change and would have been able to pick up that something was wrong. The fact that he seems to be oblivious to this shows how disconnected we are and how much he has been focused on other things besides me.
> 
> Also when I posted last night, my greatest fear was thinking about his friend telling him and my husband facing me to see if it was true. Now that I have read a few scenarios and thought about things, I'm not too sure that I believe he would tell. Yes he is divorced but he still has to work and keep up a social life. Even if he does tell my husband, he has something to lose as well as me. What I'm trying to ask is, why is it not a good idea to just try to block him out of my life and to just try to move on with my family? Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him. I have just been trying to protect his feelings.


If you have all the answers and you know your chosen course of action why are you asking for advice?

I cheated. My wife found out. Disloyal spouse always eventually get caught. Maybe not today but someday. Don't fool yourself into thinking you won't get caught. A lot of people likely already know. Your affair partner likely bragged. Someone with a conscience will tell. 

If it comes from you, your spouse will take it better. I strayed twice and that is what made my spouse leave. 

Also, get counseling to find out why you strayed. You won't stop until you do. 

The lying and deceitful bent needs to stop NOW. 

ALSO, LIKE BANDIT, I AM OUTA' HERE TOO. Your are taking us all in circles and I have no further advice for you.


----------



## NewM

EleGirl said:


> So now if a woman shows interest in a man who is interested, she's the agressor? Poor guy is a victim.. i feel so bad for him. :scratchhead:


She made most of the advances,he just picked on it and decided he is going to have sex with her.
He was just coming for a keycard,she didn't have to invite him in or start talking about sex(it was her who started sex talk it didn't come randomly).

Him saying that she seduced him is over the top but she was the more aggressive one in their first meeting and he was just playing along.
She just needs to confess to her husband without this evidence BS,all she wants to do with it is to shut him up so husband never finds out.


----------



## remorseful strayer

NewM said:


> She made most of the advances,he just picked on it and decided he is going to have sex with her.
> He was just coming for a keycard,she didn't have to invite him in or start talking about sex(it was her who started sex talk it didn't come randomly).
> 
> Him saying that she seduced him is over the top but she was the more aggressive one in their first meeting and he was just playing along.
> She just needs to confess to her husband without this evidence BS,all she wants to do with it is to shut him up so husband never finds out.


I agree with this. The other women was the aggressor, she talked about sex, about her other affairs, about how she like various forms of raunchy sex and I took the bait. I don't consider myself a victim, just an idiot who took the bait. 

If this woman wasn't always talking dirty, I likely would have never had the affair with her. I am a pig, but she was too, and she definitely made the first moves.


----------



## AlphaHalf

One bad decision after another. "James Bond"????? WTF. How old are you?


----------



## EleGirl

NewM said:


> She made most of the advances,he just picked on it and decided he is going to have sex with her.
> He was just coming for a keycard,she didn't have to invite him in or start talking about sex(it was her who started sex talk it didn't come randomly).
> 
> Him saying that she seduced him is over the top but she was the more aggressive one in their first meeting and he was just playing along.
> She just needs to confess to her husband without this evidence BS,all she wants to do with it is to shut him up so husband never finds out.


If this guy did blackmail her and force sex on her after she told him no... she needs the evidence. The OM is a dangerous man. She has probably not see the last of him. There is a pattern to the way men like him behave.

She needs the evidence that she told him no and he is now forcing himself on her.

She is at risk here from a man who turned out to be a predator


----------



## EleGirl

remorseful strayer said:


> I agree with this. The other women was the aggressor, she talked about sex, about her other affairs, about how she like various forms of raunchy sex and I took the bait. I don't consider myself a victim, just an idiot who took the bait.
> 
> If this woman wasn't always talking dirty, I likely would have never had the affair with her. I am a pig, but she was too, and she definitely made the first moves.


Oh good grief.... it's all her fault. yea right


----------



## TCSRedhead

FFS - I really do want to roll my eyes that there is any sympathy for the OP here when she isn't expressing any remorse, hasn't told her husband and continues to offer up excuses for her affair. 

OP - YOU caused this. YOU knew he liked to screw around with married women. It didn't just happen, you wanted it and you got it. 

The particularly heinous part is that you either planned it (got the kids out of the way) or even worse, did it with the kids there. 

Now it's time to pay the piper. Tell your husband and then have him call the OM. There is no blackmail if your husband, family and friends know. Further, there is no blackmail if you hadn't made the choice to f0ck him. 

It's not rape - you had a choice. You could have said no but you chose not to to keep the secret going. That's not fair to your husband or to your children.

Get an STD panel done to make sure you aren't infected and give the results to your husband.


----------



## Emerald

If you truly love your husband & children, you will confess.

If you don't love your husband & children, you will keep your secret.

When your husband finds out about this from third parties, if he has one ounce of self-respect, he will most likely file for divorce, seek full custody & you will be broke & alone.

If you confess, you have a very remote chance of reconcilliation with him, to keep your family intact & not be broke & alone.


----------



## the guy

TCSRedhead said:


> FFS - I really do want to roll my eyes that there is any sympathy for the OP here when she isn't expressing any remorse, hasn't told her husband and continues to offer up excuses for her affair.
> 
> OP - YOU caused this. YOU knew he liked to screw around with married women. It didn't just happen, you wanted it and you got it.
> 
> The particularly heinous part is that you either planned it (got the kids out of the way) or even worse, did it with the kids there.
> 
> Now it's time to pay the piper. Tell your husband and then have him call the OM. There is no blackmail if your husband, family and friends know. Further, there is no blackmail if you hadn't made the choice to f0ck him.
> 
> It's not rape - you had a choice. You could have said no but you chose not to to keep the secret going. That's not fair to your husband or to your children.
> 
> Get an STD panel done to make sure you aren't infected and give the results to your husband.


@red,

You rang a bell in my memory. After the "good friend" tried blackmailing my fWW, and she laughted him off....I believe she told me she still pucked him.

Very interest perspective you have! Especially coming from a wayward.


----------



## TCSRedhead

the guy said:


> @red,
> 
> You rang a bell in my memory. After the "good friend" tried blackmailing my fWW, and she laughted him off....I believe she told me she still pucked him.
> 
> Very interest perspective you have! Especially coming from a wayward.


I could be wrong but it just sounds like a ploy to garner sympathy, i.e. I had to keep screwing him or he would tell my husband. Well, if you hadn't screwed him to begin with, that wouldn't be an issue. If you felt remorseful and had told hubby to begin with, you wouldn't have to worry about that. 

There is still a CHOICE here. It's just that she doesn't LIKE the choice because she knows she screwed up. 

There isn't ANY remorse or accountability in her posts and I'm frankly shocked more of the BS' here aren't calling her out more harshly on that. 

Add to that her admission that some of these sex acts were while her SON was in the house and frankly, I'm nauseous. What kind of parent does that? Her husband deserves to know the whole truth so he can make the decision about what steps he needs to take to protect himself and his children.


----------



## SomedayDig

Bah! That "it's over when I say it's over" line sounds like something out of the 50 Shades series junk. Bullsnot.


----------



## Amyd

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Hard to say. I know there are guys that do this. I didn't believe this thread at first, but I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt because the story does seam like it could possibly happen. But it does have the appearance of someone teeing the ball up and giving you an oversized headed driver...


It certainly beats cable.


----------



## river rat

Emerald said:


> If you truly love your husband & children, you will confess.
> 
> If you don't love your husband & children, you will keep your secret.
> 
> When your husband finds out about this from third parties, if he has one ounce of self-respect, he will most likely file for divorce, seek full custody & you will be broke & alone.
> 
> If you confess, you have a very remote chance of reconcilliation with him, to keep your family intact & not be broke & alone.


 I agree with this post. My wife never came clean. But I know what happened; she knows that I know. I stayed because I loved her, and I still do. But the lies are still there between us. I don't know what would have happened had she confessed. I might have left her. But the result of the continued lies was a great deal of pain, which nearly destroyed me. And although I've come to terms with that over the years, it still lingers.


----------



## workindad

OP, This person is not your husbands best friend. He is not a friend at all to your husband, to you, or to your family.

Stop giving him the power to blackmail you as you call it. Out him and face the music with your H. 

Make certain you get tested for STDs. You do not want your husband to find out because you have infected him. Note- condoms, while offering the best protection available, do not prevent all STDs

Also, your OM likes to brag, that is how your H knows his history. He will brag to others, most likely already is, and your H knows the same people. Sooner, rather than later, one of them will spill the beans.

Sorry, but your oddds of getting caught are higher than you think.

You will lose all credibility with your spouse if someone else tells him first.

Good luck
WD


----------



## Acabado

Now way out but through.
Confess. Do it today.


----------



## SadSamIAm

laurie said:


> Well if I could go back to that day I wouldn't even had opened the door. I can't explain how or why we had sex. It just sort of happened. I think I was infactuated at the time and it clouded my judgement. It happens to the best of us. Prior to this, I have never known him to cheat on me and that's another thing that makes me feel very guilty.


No it doesn't happen to the best of us. It happens to those that are cheaters. The vast majority of people are not included in this group. I would say it happens to the worst of us.


----------



## shattered32

laurie said:


> The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him.


*This is what my wife is telling me right now and from an unfortunately very fresh perspective , no it does not necessarily mean you love him and even if you did , you dont matter , you need to tell him.*



laurie said:


> Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him. I have just been trying to protect his feelings.


Again something my wife told me i think in not so many words , my reply - if you dont want to hurt me , you should not have done it in the first place


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

I got through a couple pages.. lol. 

With some of these posts recently, I get a picture in my head of someone entertaining themselves by throwing an impala into cage full of hungry lions and watching them tear it apart.

This story is absurd on so many accounts. lol.

I lose total faith in human beings in general when I consider that some of these stories _could be_ true. That there are people all over the place that are mindless sexual zombies and void of any self control or moral bearings.


----------



## Amyd

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I got through a couple pages.. lol.
> 
> With some of these posts recently, I get a picture in my head of someone entertaining themselves by throwing an impala into cage full of hungry lions and watching them tear it apart.
> 
> This story is absurd on so many accounts. lol.
> 
> I lose total faith in human beings in general when I consider that some of these stories _could be_ true. That there are people all over the place that are mindless and void of any self control or moral bearings.


This is my guess too but people keep commenting as if it's real. It's like a sick reality 
TV show but it's keeping me entertained...

(Note to self: Get new hobbies.)


----------



## SomedayDig

I don't know why I let that World of Warcraft subscription lapse...


----------



## carmen ohio

Dear laurie,

In my estimation, you are not genuinely sorry for, but instead you are mainly interested in learning how to avoid the consequences of, what you have done.

As explained below, I gather this from some of the "reasons' you give in your latest post as to why you should not have to tell your H about your affair.




laurie said:


> Ok I have accepted the fact that everyone that has responded has suggested that I tell my husband at some point. When I came here, I was prepared to tell him if only to get his friend away from me. *[A truly remorseful cheater would be interested in the well-being of her spouse, not simply escaping the predicament she finds herself in as a result of her affair.]* I understand that it will be his choice as to whether or not to stay together. *[But, conveniently for you, not if you don't tell him and he doesn't find out from someone else.]*
> 
> My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake. *[One of the most important hallmarks of love is honesty. You don't seem to understand that and therefore your assertion that you "love" your H is highly questionable.]* If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know. *[In other words, as long as you can solve your problem (getting caught), why should you help your H with his (having an adulterous W.]* I love him and my children dearly. *[Wives who love their H's and children "dearly" don't do what you did. You may have some affection for your H, but few would consider it real love.]* It is to the point where I don't want them to be away from me. *[Exactly, you want what is best for you.]* I know what this will do to my husband. Yes I made a very stupid mistake on more than one occasion. *[Having sex on numerous occasions with another man isn't a "mistake," it's a choice, and a pretty disgusting one at that. This is the first example in this post of you beginning to rationalize, whitewash and justify what you did.]* Yes I was infactuated with him and yes I was feeling lonely. *[Here's the second example. You were "lonely" and so, in your eyes, that makes you less culpable for your actions.]* The way I see it, I would still try to be with this guy if I didn't love my husband. *[The third example; so it's OK to cheat and hide the truth from your H as long as you eventually (after you've had as much adulterous sex as you want) return to the poor cuckolded fool.]* The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him. *[No it does'nt, because you're not trying to "fix" anything. You're trying to end your affair with the fewest consequences for you, so that you can continue to reap all the benefits of your H's love and hard work.]*
> 
> Now I won't say that my husband isn't a good man.* [Here's the fourth example of your justifying your actions. Saying "I won't say that my husband isn't a good man" is just another way of saying "I won't say that my husband is a good man." And, of course, if he's not really a "good man," than it was OK for you to cheat on him, right.]* He works hard to provide for us and he works so I don't have to. I have been feeling that he has gotten complacent in our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not very good at keeping secrets. If this had happened a few years ago, my husband would have noticed my mood change and would have been able to pick up that something was wrong. The fact that he seems to be oblivious to this shows how disconnected we are and how much he has been focused on other things besides me. *[Which is to say that all of his hard work and providing for you so that you can run around with other men is negated by the fact that he has become "complacent." And, of course, by "complacent" you mean he believes that you are a loving and loyal spouse and doesn't worry about your cheating on him. The fact that he didn't pick up on your cheating means that HE did something wrong: how terrible of him to be so busy 'focusing' on his work to provide for you and your children as not to realize that his wife was cheating on him. So what you are saying is that, the fact that your H doesn't suspect you of cheating because he is too busy providing for you means he doesn't love you enough and therefore your cheating was justified. Oh, the mind of an unrepentant cheater is so amazingly clever and twisted.]*
> 
> Also when I posted last night, my greatest fear was thinking about his friend telling him and my husband facing me to see if it was true. *[Again, your greatest fear is that your affair may result in harm to you, not what it does to your husband.]* Now that I have read a few scenarios and thought about things, I'm not too sure that I believe he would tell. Yes he is divorced but he still has to work and keep up a social life. Even if he does tell my husband, he has something to lose as well as me. What I'm trying to ask is, why is it not a good idea to just try to block him out of my life and to just try to move on with my family? *[Interpretation: Sorry, folks. Now that I've figured out that I probably won't get caught, I guess I didn't have to bother you with my problem. I can just go on with my life as if nothing happened and who the h*ll cares what happens to my H anyway.]* Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him.I have just been trying to protect his feelings. *[The perfect rationalization: What he doesn't know won't hurt him. I don't know what your concept of "love" is but it's nothing I recognize. As far as I can tell, all you really love is yourself and all you really care about is getting away with what you've done so that you can continue to reap the benefits of being married to you poor, unfortunate H.]*


I believe you have come to the wrong place for help. TAM is a website for people who have either (1) _been cheated on_ and want to know how to deal with their spouse's infidelity or (2) _have cheated_ and want to know how to reconcile with their spouse. It is not a site that counsels people who wish to know how to cheat and get away with it which, as it seems from your latest post, you now wish to do.

There is a site that does specialize in helping people cheat without getting caught. It is

http://www.doccool.com/

I suggest you check it out.


----------



## CH

laurie said:


> It happens to the best of us.


My wife has never cheated on me. And she stayed with me after me cheating on her.

You are not the best of us by a long shot. You're most likely a good person who made a stupid choice but don't mix yourself up with those who would have never made that choice.

There are a couple of others on this board who I would term the best of us. BTW I'm not one of them


----------



## laurie

carmen ohio said:


> Dear laurie,
> 
> In my estimation, you are not genuinely sorry for, but instead you are mainly interested in learning how to avoid the consequences of, what you have done.
> 
> As explained below, I gather this from some of the "reasons' you give in your latest post as to why you should not have to tell your H about your affair.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I believe you have come to the wrong place for help. TAM is a website for people who have either (1) _been cheated on_ and want to know how to deal with their spouse's infidelity or (2) _have cheated_ and want to know how to reconcile with their spouse. It is not a site that counsels people who wish to know how to cheat and get away with it which, as it seems from your latest post, you now wish to do.
> 
> There is a site that does specialize in helping people cheat without getting caught. It is
> 
> http://www.doccool.com/
> 
> I suggest you check it out.


Well I won't be visiting that site but you won't have to worry about me coming back here either. You guys have a rough crowd that acts like none of you have never did anything wrong. Thanks anyway.


----------



## Kasler

Troll thread.

12 pages too, so not bad mileage with something that sounds like it came straigt out of desperate housewives.


----------



## PBear

laurie said:


> Well I won't be visiting that site but you won't have to worry about me coming back here either. You guys have a rough crowd that acts like none of you have never did anything wrong. Thanks anyway.


Keep in mind that most of the people in this section have been badly hurt by their spouses cheating on them. They have no tolerance for cheaters who try to minimize what they've done. So when you come in here and made your post, and then follow up with just wanting to basically forget the whole thing (and not tell your husband), it triggers a lot of painful responses for a lot of people.

C


----------



## Ovid

If it is a troll their lack of respect will eventually send them here looking for answers to a real problem of their own making.


----------



## bandit.45

I predict she'll be back tearing up the master bedroom with the OM in two days max.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TCSRedhead

laurie said:


> Well I won't be visiting that site but you won't have to worry about me coming back here either. You guys have a rough crowd that acts like none of you have never did anything wrong. Thanks anyway.


You're getting that response because you aren't owning responsibility for YOUR choices and YOUR actions. You're minimizing what you did wrong and looking for ways to avoid facing the music and being honest with your husband.

Did you really expect us to say 'Poor baby, we're sorry you tripped and fell on his penis and here's how to avoid your husband finding out'?

For what it's worth, I am the cheater in my marriage. I own that I chose to do that harm and to own that mistake not find ways to make it sound like less and continue to be dishonest to my husband. 

Fact: You know the OM was a douche
Fact: You gave him a bj and had sex with him WITH your son in the house
Fact: You have been dishonest with your husband and possibly exposed him to STD's 
Fact: You have continued to choose to have sex with the OM in order to avoid telling your husband about what you did.

Are any of these incorrect?


----------



## Madman1

Keeping this secret will suck your soul dry.
Here is the road you will go down.

1.you will justify the behavior.
"My husband neglects me"

2. You will blame your husband.
"My husband is not the man I need him to be"

3. You will lose respect for your husband.

4. You will lose sexual interest in your husband, and deny him sex (this will be incredably cruel).

5. Your friendship with your husband will shut down.

6. You will become bored and crave intimacy with other men, you wil have more affairs, you will be UNABLE to resist your husbands friend and you will STRONGLY desire to be with him.

7. By keeping this a secret you are guaranteeing that your relationship with your husband will get worse and worse.


You will become an empty shell who will not enjoy the presence of your husband and children.
The only thing that you will want will be affair sex, you will be like an additc and will crave affair sex, just not with your husband.

Maybe you will not cheat again but your capacity for happiness will become less and less.

Will you be able to live this way for the rest of your life in order to "spare" your husbands feelings and keep you lifestyle intact?????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Why is it that on OP last reply she quotes the post that promotes "that other" site?


----------



## Madman1

Right now in the beginning you feel guilt and fear and so what I wrote is on hold, you cant believe it would go as I have written, you think you will just put it behind you and move on.

It will at that time be behind you, but more like a monkey on your back.

Btw if you tell you husband and come back here, these same people will be very helpful to you as they have been to many others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bfree

laurie said:


> Well I won't be visiting that site but you won't have to worry about me coming back here either. You guys have a rough crowd that acts like none of you have never did anything wrong. Thanks anyway.


I'm sorry you feel this way but I believe you are reacting to the advice you are being given. You have already hurt your husband and family and now you wish to continue hurting them. How did you think people were going to respond?


----------



## Jonesey

laurie said:


> Ok I have accepted the fact that everyone that has responded has suggested that I tell my husband at some point. When I came here, I was prepared to tell him if only to get his friend away from me. I understand that it will be his choice as to whether or not to stay together.
> 
> My issue now is why should I tell? I do love him but I also made a mistake. If I can get his friend away from me and I never do this again, why should my husband know. I love him and my children dearly. It is to the point where I don't want them to be away from me. I know what this will do to my husband. Yes I made a very stupid mistake on more than one occasion. *Yes I was infactuated with him and yes I was feeling lonely. The way I see it, I would still try to be with this guy*Here is the reason i have not believed,the blackmail part,fully..He probably gambled on it.And drumroll it worked. I mean seriously doubted
> you was letting him bonking you all while you was laying there as a cold fish.. It feel´s better for you to claim blackmail don't it? You made just one mistake,at least for me.When you claimed you could hold him of until Jan-Feb.Sigh
> *if I didn't love my husband. The fact that I am trying to fix this proves that I love him.* What is it supposed to prove?
> 
> Now I won't say that my husband isn't a good man. He works hard to provide for us and he works so I don't have to. I have been feeling that he has gotten complacent in our relationship. As I mentioned earlier, *I'm not very good at keeping secrets.*So if i may ask, how have you managed it all this time?
> 
> If this had happened a few years ago, my husband *would have noticed my mood change *Hmm what mood change?
> After the "blackmail" you got basically raped twice.
> And yet you managed to keep a straight face.Sorry ,sound very unlikely
> 
> 
> and would have been able to pick up that something was wrong. *The fact that he seems to be oblivious to this shows how disconnected we are*So in other word´s he should have had zero trust in you, bonking his friend? *and how much he has been focused on other things besides me.*And you focused
> on what?
> 
> Also when I posted last night, my greatest fear was thinking about his friend telling him and my husband facing me to see if it was true. Now that I have read a few scenarios and thought about things, I'm not too sure that I believe he would tell. Yes he is divorced but he still has to work and keep up a social life. Even if he does tell my husband, he has something to lose as well as me. What I'm trying to ask is, *why is it not a good idea to just try to block him out of my life*
> How are you supposed to block him out from your life?
> He is blackmailing you,and told you is over when he says its over?
> And what are you going to do,when your husband invites him over?
> 
> 
> *and to just try to move on with my family?*And you accuse your husband for being disconnected:scratchhead: Just because I haven't told my husband doesn't mean that I don't love him. *I have just been trying to protect his feelings.*Oh please.You mean your feeling´s



Start talking to your husband NOW


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## Jonesey

EleGirl said:


> If she had made phone calls to him, gone to his place, all on many occassions and he finally gave in, then I would agree taht she 'went after him'.
> 
> *What happened seems to have been a mutual thing that went from him entering the house to sex in a very short time.*
> 
> *I do not agree that she was the agressor.*:scratchhead:
> 
> *It was mutual from her description.* Of course it was.She made it abundantly clear to OM she was up for it.And with OM´s Reputation,why would he not.


If just would have handed over the keycard.She would not have to be here now.


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## Michie

This sounds like a "tripped, fell, and landed on his d-ick" story.



You need to tell your husband the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Jonesey said:


> If just would have handed over the keycard.She would not have to be here now.


Clearly she was ready for an affair. It was just easy to get it going with him. He clearly wanted to get involved with her as well.

That's the thing about affairs... it takes two.


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## pobodyisnerfect

Pls folks .. she knows she made a big mistake ..
Don't judge her Like a witch. Off course we all feel bad for her husband .. And maybe she will do the right thing ... But we all do make stupid mistakes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey

EleGirl said:


> Clearly she was ready for an affair. It was just easy to get it going with him. *He clearly wanted to get involved with her as well.* Whit what she explained about him
> Are you surprised?
> 
> That's the thing about affairs... *it takes two.* You are right.
> But it also need´s some one to start it.And in this case it was OP


----------



## Shaggy

I suggest you have a three way with the OM and your husband.

when the OM is naked and in you, tell your husband you've been cheating with this scum bag for the past year and that your husband should kick his ass.

Do not let me him out, while you husband pounds him senseless.


----------



## Jonesey

pobodyisnerfect said:


> Pls folks .. she knows she made a big mistake ..
> Don't judge her Like a witch. Off course we all feel bad for her husband .. And maybe she will do the right thing ... But we all do make stupid mistakes
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you really actually read from post number one?:scratchhead:


----------



## EleGirl

pobodyisnerfect said:


> Pls folks .. she knows she made a big mistake ..
> Don't judge her Like a witch. Off course we all feel bad for her husband .. And maybe she will do the right thing ... But we all do make stupid mistakes


This happens here all the time. It's almost seems like a sport to beat up on a person who cheat. It drives them away. In the end it's the betrayed spouse who loses by the WS not getting the help they need.


----------



## pobodyisnerfect

EleGirl said:


> This happens here all the time. It's almost seems like a sport to beat up on a person who cheat. It drives them away. In the end it's the betrayed spouse who loses by the WS not getting the help they need.


I agree elegirl .. We could all learn from each other here .. That's what's these forums are for .. A stone cold cheater would never seek advise here anyway.. So lets believe she actually whants to do the right thing .. Even if it seems crazy to wait and stuff .. But maybe he actually will give her children a good Christmas first .. And she said she wouldn't sleep with again .. So lets believe that 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caribbean Man

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> *I lose total faith in human beings in general when I consider that some of these stories could be true. That there are people all over the place that are mindless sexual zombies and void of any self control or moral bearings*.


:iagree:
After reading all fourteen pages.
Really frightening.


----------



## pobodyisnerfect

Jonesey said:


> Did you really actually read from post number one?:scratchhead:


Yes 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pobodyisnerfect

pobodyisnerfect said:


> I agree elegirl .. We could all learn from each other here .. That's what's these forums are for .. A stone cold cheater would never seek advise here anyway.. So lets believe she actually whants to do the right thing .. Even if it seems crazy to wait and stuff .. But maybe she actually will give her children a good Christmas first .. And she said she wouldn't sleep with again .. So lets believe that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Amyd

Shaggy said:


> I suggest you have a three way with the OM and your husband.
> 
> when the OM is naked and in you, tell your husband you've been cheating with this scum bag for the past year and that your husband should kick his ass.
> 
> Do not let me him out, while you husband pounds him senseless.


Woo-hoo the second season of "I'm being Blackmailed" is even better than the first!


----------



## Chaparral

Go talk to a lawyer and get his advice, maybe even a district attorney. They might set up a sting.


----------



## Jonesey

pobodyisnerfect said:


> I agree elegirl .. We could all learn from each other here .. That's what's these forums are for .. *A stone cold cheater would never seek advise here anyway..* So you say.Point me where she even remotely show´s some remorse?
> 
> So lets believe she actually whants to do the right thing .. Even if it seems crazy to wait and stuff .. But maybe he actually will give her children a good Christmas first .. *And she said she wouldn't sleep with again ..*How ,would that be possible? OM is blackmailing her.He is not taking a "no" for a answer.So whats her plan?
> 
> So lets believe that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299

EleGirl said:


> This happens here all the time. It's almost seems like a sport to beat up on a person who cheat. It drives them away. In the end it's the betrayed spouse who loses by the WS not getting the help they need.


Don't dismiss the beating up as totally useless or totally for sport - that happens for sure but it does have it's place. It's only a preview of what a cheater can expect if they confess and a very poor one if they continue to lie and get caught. 

I found that the bashing I got here was as useful as what would be considered "constructive." It kept me thinking about what my wife had been and was going through. It illustrated very graphically just how painful this is. Cheaters need to see and feel that - better that they get a preview here so they have at least some chance of not being completely overwhelmed by their spouses reaction when the fit hits the shan. 

As for the OP - as another cheater here on TAM I'm glad to offer any counsel I can to her, but not as long as she's trying to sell us that not confessing to her H is a good plan. That "why should I tell him" BS really burns my ass. But I confessed so I guess that's understandable. As far as this possibly being a troll thread, I'll confess my first thought reading her opening post was literally, "this reads like a letter to Penthouse." but personally I'm not willing to declare troll yet.


----------



## FryFish

wow... The OP literally turned my stomach... what a disgusting excuse for a human.


----------



## Madman1

I wonder what he told her husband when he handed him the key card?

"Your wife sends her love"






The om is always ready for a good shag.
Yes he saw the sexual interest.

But she totally came on to him.

He could tell her husband that and be 100% accurate.


Also this
"the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day."

She has left the truth out here.
She initiated it!

She went in for a kiss and grabed his Cqck and the rest is history!

Did he spread any bodly fluids on the key card as a "diss" to her husband?

He must think your husband is a real chump now. To have a wife like you that would throw her self at someone, he is very flattered BTW also.
He is probably working to break you two up right now?

That way he takes no blame and he can bang you again.


I bet your husband already wonders about the "flat tire". He is not stupid.

It is going to GUT him some day when he finds out what you did, especially hearing it from someone other than you.
What will you do when he asks you? You will LIE AND LIE, LIE AND LIE, LIE AND LIE!

You will never feel good about yourself if you dont do the right thing

He will find out!


----------



## pobodyisnerfect

I do see some remorse .........
Throughout all of this, I felt guilty. Earlier this month, I was playing with my boys and I just started crying. I felt that I failed them as a mother and what I was doing was not fair to them. I know that it is best for me to tell my husband but I don't know if I should. This may hurt him so much since that is his good friend.

About the blackmailing stuff i really don't know .. It's a f... Situation .. And maybe she can't wait ,without he press for sex again before holiday and then she have to tell husband right away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

I totally believe this poster is for real. 

Seriously...go to any swank nightclub in North Scottsdale on a Friday night and you will meet dozens of vacuous women just like her. Half of them will be with men who are not their husbands. 

And vice versa of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

EleGirl said:


> This happens here all the time. It's almost seems like a sport to beat up on a person who cheat. It drives them away. In the end it's the betrayed spouse who loses by the WS not getting the help they need.


Wait a minute mama. While I agree there is a lot of pain here and some people do project some of their pain and frustration onto _some_ cheaters, I don't think this is a case to use as an example of being unfair.

You said "help she needs". What kind of help is that, and to what ends? 

I wanna make sure I understood what I read from the OP... At least what parts she is choosing to tell the forum.. If of course this is a true story...

My husband told me stories about this very good friend who is womanizer and sleeps with and screws over every women he finds... 

I met him, he was cute so invited his into our family home and had sex with him, within minutes. My husband isn't man enough anymore so I had sex with his filthy pig of a friend. a lot. While the kids were home, anytime and anywhere. I felt guilty after the novelty wore of so I told him I should cut it off, I'm married to his best friend. He said no he would tell on me, so I kept sleeping with him. 

I'm done banging this guy now, what can I do it fix this?

So.... The TAM community should be compassionate because after all she needs _help_ and this was a mistake?

With all due respect.. No, 'helping' here feels a lot like aiding and abetting. I'm sorry, I do agree to some extent with you about some people being treated without compassion. Just not this one.

My heart bleeds for her husband and her children, they need help. She needs consequences.

This of course, is just my opinion which in the end means very little.


----------



## MattMatt

Paulination said:


> I'm sorry but this sounds like the set up of a cheesy early 80's porn script. I'm calling bullsh!t.


You know, there's a reason why there's a 'report' button to the left of every post. Now... why is that, I wonder?:scratchhead:

Oh, yes! I remember! It's so people don't have to run around threads screaming: trolllll!"


----------



## EleGirl

Jonesey said:


> So you say.Point me where she even remotely show´s some remorse?


She is clearly remorseful for what she has done. She was here to figure out what to do now.


laurie said:


> Throughout all of this, I felt guilty. Earlier this month, I was playing with my boys and I just started crying. I felt that I failed them as a mother and what I was doing was not fair to them.





laurie said:


> Honestly, I wish that I didn't have to tell him and that I could somehow put this behind me. On the other hand, it is better that hears it from me rather than his friend.





laurie said:


> I am ashamed to say it but there were times when I was with him while our son was home.





laurie said:


> I totally regret what I did and I'm not too good at keeping secrets. My husband will find out one way or another but I'm too afraid to tell him


I’m not sure what Laurie owes anyone here in the way of showing the proper level of remorse. What sort of expression of remorse does she owe the posters here? She is not obligated to pour out her guts here. Perhaps someone should post a threat to WSs explaining the level of remorse and words that they must use here to avoid insults and name calling.
She came here asking help with specific things. Some here tried to give her help on what she asked. Others are more interested in beating up on a WS.


Jonesey said:


> OM is blackmailing her. He is not taking a "no" for a answer. So whats her plan?


Many pages ago some of us were trying to help her come up with a plan to handle the POSOM not taking ‘no’ or an answer. She has said that she is getting the recording device to record him to try to get a record of his threats so that she has evidence to use in case he escalates in trying to force sex in the future.

Did you miss that?

Then she was working up to how to tell her husband.

She’s trying to figure out how to handle this, how to tell her husband, if telling or not telling is the right thing to do, etc. 
When a person is seeking the right path they will and should ask all kinds of questions. She was here asking for good, solid input into what she should do. And then she read the input and insults (mostly insults) and asked more questions. And mostly received more insults. 

She’s working on a plan. Apparently for most here her not arriving at a plan that satisfies them in about 24 hours is not acceptable.

Unfortunately she will not be getting any more advise here because of the insults and attacks on her. Most likely she will wing this on her own now. The outcome will be even more devastating for her husband and her children


----------



## Jonesey

EleGirl said:


> She is clearly remorseful for what she has done. She was here to figure out what to do now.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I’m not sure what Laurie owes anyone here in the way of showing the proper level of remorse. What sort of expression of remorse does she owe the posters here? She is not obligated to pour out her guts here. Perhaps someone should post a threat to WSs explaining the level of remorse and words that they must use here to avoid insults and name calling.
> She came here asking help with specific things. Some here tried to give her help on what she asked. Others are more interested in beating up on a WS.
> 
> Many pages ago some of us were trying to help her come up with a plan to handle the POSOM not taking ‘no’ or an answer. She has said that she is getting the recording device to record him to try to get a record of his threats so that she has evidence to use in case he escalates in trying to force sex in the future.
> 
> Did you miss that?
> 
> Then she was working up to how to tell her husband.
> 
> She’s trying to figure out how to handle this, how to tell her husband, if telling or not telling is the right thing to do, etc.
> When a person is seeking the right path they will and should ask all kinds of questions. She was here asking for good, solid input into what she should do. And then she read the input and insults (mostly insults) and asked more questions. And mostly received more insults.
> 
> She’s working on a plan. Apparently for most here her not arriving at a plan that satisfies them in about 24 hours is not acceptable.
> 
> Unfortunately she will not be getting any more advise here because of the insults and attacks on her. Most likely she will wing this on her own now. The outcome will be even more devastating for her husband and her children



I don't want to get in to an argument with you.So can we please
agree on that we disagree, on a few things, please.?


----------



## Jonesey

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Wait a minute mama. While I agree there is a lot of pain here and some people do project some of their pain and frustration onto _some_ cheaters, I don't think this is a case to use as an example of being unfair.
> 
> You said "help she needs". What kind of help is that, and to what ends?
> 
> I wanna make sure I understood what I read from the OP... At least what parts she is choosing to tell the forum.. If of course this is a true story...
> 
> My husband told me stories about this very good friend who is womanizer and sleeps with and screws over every women he finds...
> 
> I met him, he was cute so invited his into our family home and had sex with him, within minutes. My husband isn't man enough anymore so I had sex with his filthy pig of a friend. a lot. While the kids were home, anytime and anywhere. I felt guilty after the novelty wore of so I told him I should cut it off, I'm married to his best friend. He said no he would tell on me, so I kept sleeping with him.
> 
> I'm done banging this guy now, what can I do it fix this?
> 
> So.... The TAM community should be compassionate because after all she needs _help_ and this was a mistake?
> 
> With all due respect.. No, 'helping' here feels a lot like aiding and abetting. I'm sorry, I do agree to some extent with you about some people being treated without compassion. Just not this one.
> 
> My heart bleeds for her husband and her children, they need help. She needs consequences.
> 
> This of course, is just my opinion which in the end means very little.


:iagree:


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## that_girl

> OP stated: He also described in detail all my tattoos and this is something that would make my husband know he was telling the truth. *This hurt me bad and I just didn't know what to do. Although I have been depressed about the whole situation, I have seen his friend twice since the conversation and we had sex both times*.


What? So....huh? 

I dunno. It's fear that drives her actions. She's afraid of her husband finding out and her world crashing. She saw the OM twice nad had sex both times...that didn't "just happen".


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## EleGirl

sigma1299 said:


> Don't dismiss the beating up as totally useless or totally for sport - that happens for sure but it does have it's place. It's only a preview of what a cheater can expect if they confess and a very poor one if they continue to lie and get caught.
> 
> I found that the bashing I got here was as useful as what would be considered "constructive." It kept me thinking about what my wife had been and was going through. It illustrated very graphically just how painful this is. Cheaters need to see and feel that - better that they get a preview here so they have at least some chance of not being completely overwhelmed by their spouses reaction when the fit hits the shan.


I agree that getting a feel for what the BS might feel and say is not a bad idea. But threads like this often feel overwhelming. It can be constructive to a point. But at some point it becomes overwhelming. It comes louder than the help. What I’ve noticed is that more WS leave than stay. 


sigma1299 said:


> As for the OP - as another cheater here on TAM I'm glad to offer any counsel I can to her, but not as long as she's trying to sell us that not confessing to her H is a good plan. That "why should I tell him" BS really burns my ass. But I confessed so I guess that's understandable. As far as this possibly being a troll thread, I'll confess my first thought reading her opening post was literally, "this reads like a letter to Penthouse." but personally I'm not willing to declare troll yet.


There are very good marriage counseling professionals on both sides of the argument on this. Both sides believe strongly that their approach is right and can give good data as to why. 

I’m not advocating either not telling. Generally I side with telling. Getting the truth out is the right decision. Then the couple can work out the marriage issues and decide what they want to do. I’m not big on keeping secrets.

But… You confessed. Just because you confessed does not mean that it’s the right thing for everyone. There are many things to consider in telling.

Are you aware that many women are beaten severely when they tell their husbands? That some women are killed when they tell? Any good counselor worth their salt will first consider a woman’s safety before just telling her that she has to confess TODAY, right this minute, without any further considerations.

“TAM I'm glad to offer any counsel I can to her, but not as long as she's trying to sell us that not confessing to her H is a good plan.” 

Well that’s one way to look at it… she’s trying to sell us. Another way of looking at it is that she’s looking at all things, questioning and trying to figure out the correct path for her to take. Since when is it wrong to bring up questions and mulling things over. This is a forum where people try to help others right? Why would you withhold your insight into this situation when she posted that it might be better not to tell? Your insight, as another WS might be exactly what sways her to tell her husband.. and tell him sooner than later. Do you only post your points of view in reply to those who already agree with you?

You missed a changed to influence her in a positive manner. Too bad, I think your input would have been valuable.


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## michzz

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Wait a minute mama. While I agree there is a lot of pain here and some people do project some of their pain and frustration onto _some_ cheaters, I don't think this is a case to use as an example of being unfair.
> 
> You said "help she needs". What kind of help is that, and to what ends?
> 
> I wanna make sure I understood what I read from the OP... At least what parts she is choosing to tell the forum.. If of course this is a true story...
> 
> My husband told me stories about this very good friend who is womanizer and sleeps with and screws over every women he finds...
> 
> I met him, he was cute so invited his into our family home and had sex with him, within minutes. My husband isn't man enough anymore so I had sex with his filthy pig of a friend. a lot. While the kids were home, anytime and anywhere. I felt guilty after the novelty wore of so I told him I should cut it off, I'm married to his best friend. He said no he would tell on me, so I kept sleeping with him.
> 
> I'm done banging this guy now, what can I do it fix this?
> 
> So.... The TAM community should be compassionate because after all she needs _help_ and this was a mistake?
> 
> With all due respect.. No, 'helping' here feels a lot like aiding and abetting. I'm sorry, I do agree to some extent with you about some people being treated without compassion. Just not this one.
> 
> My heart bleeds for her husband and her children, they need help. She needs consequences.
> 
> This of course, is just my opinion which in the end means very little.


this:

My heart bleeds for her husband and her children, they need help. She needs consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> .....
> 
> With all due respect.. No, 'helping' here feels a lot like aiding and abetting. I'm sorry, I do agree to some extent with you about some people being treated without compassion. Just not this one.
> 
> My heart bleeds for her husband and her children, they need help. She needs consequences.
> 
> This of course, is just my opinion which in the end means very little.


My heart bleeds for her husband and her children as well. How does driving her away help her husband and children?

She will get consequences all right. So will the POSOM. Her husband is going to find out. I have no doubt about that... either from her or from those the POSOM has bragged to about his affair with the wife. I highly doubt that the POSOM is stupid enough to tell her husband.. .it would ruin his game and possibly get him pounded into the ground.

As a poster on TAM I am not in control of giving her consequences. True consequences are unavoidable… like a divorce, like her poor children suffering from their family splitting, like her being shamed in her community, like the OM losing his job, and the feelings of shame and self-disgust most cheaters end up suffering. She knows that she is about to face some serious consequences. That’s why she is squirming now. The game is over.

Exactly what real consequences can people on TAM dish out to her? All she has to do it to stop coming her to avoid the ‘virtual consequences’... the insults and name calling. (By the way.. .giving a person a good kick in the pants when they need it is not an insult or naming calling. Good kicks in the pants are needed. Like that_girl’s sarcasm about the tripping and falling on his ****. That remark definitely pointed out the absurdity of her story of how this all started. It pointed that the affair was not a ‘mistake’ but a conscious choice. That_girl is famous for such nicely pulled off sarcasm.)

So since we cannot dish out real consequences there are other things that we can do…. One is to help

She needs help to get her out of the fog. Help to get her to tell her husband... now. Help in how to handle the OM if indeed there was a blackmail threat and he has indeed forced himself on her twice since then. 

As a poster on TAM, what consequences can I give her? None. But I can help her see that she has to tell her husband. I can help her see that he's going to find out one way or the other and if she wants even a small chance of saving her marriage she had better be the one to tell him.
It’s just my point of view.


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## sigma1299

Ele, I say I'm not interested until she stops trying to sell that because I know what it takes to confess. If she's not committed to it she'll find any opportunity to equivocate and she'll likely fold like origami. I was hoping a little to get her to re-engage by declaring that line of thought not worth debate, of course that's just my opinion. As far as a threat to her personal safety, I believe everyone here would tell her that is a separate and overriding issue and that she must protect herself and her child. For me, I could not imagine living in a marriage with a secret like that, it would eat me like cancer. If I couldn't speak the truth for fear of my safety I would leave. 

FWIW I'll offer her this. If she wants to save her marriage IMO the only way to do so is to tell him. If she doesn't her H is married to someone who does not exist. He is married to the woman that used to exist up until she cheated on him. He could choose to love the her that exist today, he as likely could not, either way it would be an honest and genuine relationship between them with both of them having the benefit of all of the information. Who wants to be loved if what the other person loves is a lie??? 

Confessing is hard. It is also the very best and most effective thing you can do to show the spouse you betrayed that you are sorry, remorseful, and are willing to accept accountability for what you have done.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

I do see your point of view, and I do respect it and you. 

I just disagree on how much help and compassion she deserves and the primary reason is that it is pretty clear that if the prospect of her husband finding out on his own didn't exist.. She would not have said a word, would not be here and likely would have done this again and again with whomever. 

For gods sake, she was blowing his 'best' friend within minutes of meeting him. Now facing a "gun to her head" she's suddenly found her conscience and is repenting her "mistake". Yeah, shes genuinely remorseful now and wants to do the right thing. No, she wants a way out. 

How could you not expect her to get called to the carpet on that?

And we aren't even talking about the absolute that we all know, which is that she is a cheater (accomplished liar) and has rebuilt and spewed her version of this reality for all of our benefits with an end goal of getting herself out of this disaster she created (and enjoyed for a longtime). You think this is the real story? Your willing to bet that this is the only mistake and it's not much worse than being described or that the things she's said that tug at your heart strings weren't chosen to do just that? 

I am impressed that your heart can still pour out for her. Your a better person than I am. Honestly. Maybe that's something I should think about.

For the record, I believe she was hoping like many other people for a magic spell or alternative to what is clearly the only solution. she probably knew what it was to begin with but wanted an eaiser "out". 

For what its worth, OP... here's the wisdom you came looking for... 

Tell him. [/thread]

Even if this isn't a genuine true story, it's turned into an engaging conversation. Cool forum.


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## CH

I do feel for the OP but she's not willing to tell her husband and is willing to do almost anything to keep it a secret from him.

With that in mind, the only other alternative for her is to keep sleeping with the OM until he tires of her and moves on. Then she can heave a big sigh of relief, be the martyr and eat the pain and guilt to save him from the shame she's brought upon her family. Win/win situation, she keeps the secret and spares her husband and her family from this awful situation.

I really only see 2 options, tell the husband and get it over with.

Keep the secret and keep on sleeping with the OM and play the martyr.

Well a 3rd option is she runs away from all her problems, which some people do.

OP made a horrible decision. Now she's on the brink of making another horrible decision.

When you play with fire, more often then not you'll get burned. How badly you get burned all depends on how long you're willing to hold your hand in the fire. And right now, you've got your armed shoved all the way down to the bottom of that fire. And even though it's hurting so badly, you just won't remove your hand for whatever reason (well I know what the reasons are).


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## Tony55

laurie said:


> He's a real charmer and sort of a bad boy. I think some of the women here maý be able to relate. He reminds me of Daniel Craig from James Bond.


Hah!

_(I'm sorry... people who have read my posts in the past will know why I laughed at this.)_

T


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## Entropy3000

laurie said:


> I wish I had found this site under better circumstances but unfortunately, I didn't. Now from what I have read, I know I will probably catch a lot of mess for what I did. I am here because I am in a really bad situation and I need some advice on what to do.
> 
> I have been married for 8 years. We have had good times and bad times but for the most part, we always worked through it. We have 3 sons that are 10 months, 6, and 7. I won't give too much back story so I can make this short. My husband has a guy that he works out with. They are also co-workers. My husband is good friends with the guy and sometimes tells me what the guy does. his friend is a womanizer that sleeps with a lot of women. My husband told me how he cheated on his wife and how he is the biggest player on his job.
> 
> I thought the guy was pretty disgusting just by what my husband had told me. One day, he showed up to out house to go out with my husband and I was shocked by how handsome he was. He was a real gentleman, in shape, and had a lot of confidence. I could tell why so many women had fallen for him.
> 
> To go off topic for a minute, my husband has a problem with saying no. If someone asks him to work later or extra, my husband will always do it but complain later. It really pisses me off and he doesn't come off as being the strong man that I once knew him to be. On top of this, me and my husband have been a bit distant since he has now been working a lot more.
> 
> Back in June, me and my husband decided that we will dedicate one day a week to us. No kids or responsibiities, that time would be set aside to work on our relationship and to get closer. So in August, I had a big Sunday set aside for us. The kids were with my parents and me and my husband were supposed to have sex and go out. You can probably guess what happened. He got called in to work and it pissed me off because he could have said no. He chose to say yes.
> 
> He said he was sorry but left me there all alone. He was so much in a rush to get to work that he left his keycard at home. He called me and said that his friend would pick it up for him since he was in the area and had to come to work also.
> 
> His buddy showed up for the card and I invited him in. It was the first time that I was alone with him so I made chit chat to try to get to know him. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes. I know it was wrong but all I could think about was all the sexual things that my husband told me about him. It was hard for me to carry on a conversation without asking him if it were all true. Somehow, the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day. He later told my husband that he had a flat tire so that's why he was late to work.
> 
> This affair has been going on since August. looking back, I feel bad for living this lie and lying to my husband. Me and his friend hooked up at a hotel a few times and he has came over a few times while my husband was working.
> 
> Throughout all of this, I felt guilty. Earlier this month, I was playing with my boys and I just started crying. I felt that I failed them as a mother and what I was doing was not fair to them. I know that it is best for me to tell my husband but I don't know if I should. This may hurt him so much since that is his good friend.
> 
> Whatever I did, I knew that I had to break off the affair. I called him on last week and told him that we can no longer see each other. I told him that my family is too precious to lose and that I can't sleep with him anymore. I thought he would understand but he actually shocked me. He told me that this sexual arrangement will be over when he says that it is over. He says that if I try to break it off, he will tell my husband everything and say that I seduced him. He also described in detail all my tattoos and this is something that would make my husband know he was telling the truth. This hurt me bad and I just didn't know what to do. Although I have been depressed about the whole situation, I have seen his friend twice since the conversation and we had sex both times.
> 
> I don't want my husband to find out about this from his best friend. the problem is that I am afraid to tell him myself because I don't know what his reaction will be. I don't want him to leave me and I want to make this relationship work. What should I do to fix this?? His friend says he is serious about tell him and he said that it is over when he says it is over. Help please.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/


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## Entropy3000

laurie said:


> Well if I could go back to that day I wouldn't even had opened the door. I can't explain how or why we had sex. It just sort of happened. I think I was infactuated at the time and it clouded my judgement. *It happens to the best of us. *Prior to this, I have never known him to cheat on me and that's another thing that makes me feel very guilty.


No it does not.


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## Entropy3000

laurie said:


> If i do tell my husband, should it be now or should I wait until after the holidays? I only ask because His parents will be here for Thanksgiving and we are driving to see my parents for Christmas. I don't want to ruin the holiday spirit with this especially if he wants to separate. That's what I'm afraid of the most.


Oh my!! The holidays! Good grief. So I guees you will just have to keep banging the OM during the holidays. Much better to dump him as part of a New Years resolution anyway.


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## EleGirl

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> For gods sake, she was blowing his 'best' friend within minutes of meeting him. Now facing a "gun to her head" she's suddenly found her conscience and is repenting her "mistake". Yeah, shes genuinely remorseful now and wants to do the right thing. No, she wants a way out.


Sometimes it takes things like this to get people to snap out of their fog, or at least to get it to start to dissipate.

It’s those nasty consequences that I was talking about. Her situation as a particularly bad consequence if it’s true that the OM is now blackmailing her. The thing about doing bad things is that they bite the doer in the ass pretty well. 

You and I don’t need to do anything to give her a consequence. She’s squirming because of the actions of her AP, the natural consequences.


Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> How could you not expect her to get called to the carpet on that?


It’s one thing to call someone on the carpet, or mention that their reason for wanting to now do the right thing is pretty sad. It’s another to tell someone that they are disgusting, and the other name calling that has gone on here.

Personally, I don’t care that this is what has let her to starting to see the consequences, to understand the pain she has caused and to doing the right thing… what I care is that something, anything moved her in the right direction. That’s just me.


Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> And we aren't even talking about the absolute that we all know, which is that she is a cheater (accomplished liar) and has rebuilt and spewed her version of this reality for all of our benefits with an end goal of getting herself out of this disaster she created (and enjoyed for a longtime). You think this is the real story? Your willing to bet that this is the only mistake and it's not much worse than being described or that the things she's said that tug at your heart strings weren't chosen to do just that?


Nothing she has said it tugging at my heart strings. I feel no sympathy for her at all. I do feel sympathy for her husband and children. 

What I feel is that karma/consequences (whatever you want to call them) are starting to hit her now. Sure she is squirming. That’s what cheaters and liars do. But I know that she is not going to be able to squirm her way out of this mess she has created. Instead I’m trying to help her find a way to navigate the mess who that the innocent people around her suffer the least.

There is another thing… sometimes people do really terrible things and learn from them. Sometimes they come out of them much better people. We do have people who cheated who did just that . I know people in my own life who cheated once, learned from it and have never done anything like that again. They were able to recover their marriage and move on. Maybe this will be the path her husband and she choose. If so they can use all the support they can get. But they are not going to get that support here. 


Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I am impressed that your heart can still pour out for her. Your a better person than I am. Honestly. Maybe that's something I should think about.
> 
> For the record, I believe she was hoping like many other people for a magic spell or alternative to what is clearly the only solution. she probably knew what it was to begin with but wanted an eaiser "out".


Of course she’s looking for a magic way out. There is no magic way out.

If she does not tell him she will be eaten away inside for the rest of her life (unless she is a sociopath).

If she does tell him the path forward will be one of the hardest things she ever goes through. 



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> For what its worth, OP... here's the wisdom you came looking for...
> 
> Tell him. [/thread]
> 
> Even if this isn't a genuine true story, it's turned into an engaging conversation. Cool forum.


I agree that even if the story is not true it’s a good thread.


----------



## EleGirl

cheatinghubby said:


> I do feel for the OP but she's not willing to tell her husband and is willing to do almost anything to keep it a secret from him.
> 
> With that in mind, the only other alternative for her is to keep sleeping with the OM until he tires of her and moves on. Then she can heave a big sigh of relief, be the martyr and eat the pain and guilt to save him from the shame she's brought upon her family. Win/win situation, she keeps the secret and spares her husband and her family from this awful situation.
> 
> I really only see 2 options, tell the husband and get it over with.
> 
> Keep the secret and keep on sleeping with the OM and play the martyr.
> 
> Well a 3rd option is she runs away from all her problems, which some people do.
> 
> OP made a horrible decision. Now she's on the brink of making another horrible decision.
> 
> When you play with fire, more often then not you'll get burned. How badly you get burned all depends on how long you're willing to hold your hand in the fire. And right now, you've got your armed shoved all the way down to the bottom of that fire. And even though it's hurting so badly, you just won't remove your hand for whatever reason (well I know what the reasons are).


Why do you leave out a third choice? She can stop her affair at any time she choses.


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## Entropy3000

ItsGonnabeAlright said:


> *Can you guys imagine the husband's face and his emotions when he realized that not only did she cheat, but it was with the person he warned her about too???*
> I honestly cannot even imagine this! I've been on the receiving end of crap like this, and I feel so sorry for that man.


I find this story harder to believe than most but that said, this does happen. 

I am a firm believer in telling a wife about who not to trust, however, to tell of their exploits is not a good idea either. It has a way of building them up as exciting bad boys. Some women like to flirt with men like that. Crazy. Oh yeah.


----------



## that_girl

> That_girl is famous for such nicely pulled off sarcasm.


Amg. I'm famous! :woohoo:


----------



## life101

Why doesn't a WS end the marriage before jumping into the bed with another person? I used to think that such people have black hearts and everything they touch turn into ashes. After I discovered my wife's affair and lies, I now know that these people have no heart, not even a black one.


----------



## CH

**Edited, nm saw the post up above where she's asking when to tell her husband before or after the holidays**

Damn, nm it stated IF I TELL

So my answer to your questions elegirl for the 3rd option of she chooses to stop the affair. At the current time she's willing to do almost anything to keep this secret from her husband. In order to do that, she's going to have to keep sleeping with the OM to keep his mouth shut. Until that "IF I TELL" turns into "When I TELL" I'll put my money on her still sleeping with the OM to buy her some more time.


----------



## Entropy3000

EleGirl said:


> This is true... these types of people are very charismatic. Their entire sociopathic act depends on it. To these types of people their looks are very important as it’s a large part of what helps them draw people in. I’ve known both men and women like this. Learned to avoid them a long time ago as well.
> 
> And of course guy think that their ‘friend’ will not go after their wife. But it happens all the time.


The only man a man should trust with his wife is himself and her direct relatives ... i.e. father, brother, son and so on.

Not your pastor, not your best war buddy ...


----------



## that_girl

It happens within minutes of meeting that you're sucking his ....penis?

That's SOME CHARISMA! Holy! 

I just...no. There's more to this story.


----------



## Deejo

Bums me out when I see this stuff gets over 200 replies in 24 hours, and other ... real posts ... go largely ignored. Handful of replies.

People like drama.

This guy ... yes folks, laurie is a dude, undoubtedly knows how to deliver. And he pulls'em in every single time he shows up.

Hell I may take a crack at it.

And it gets stated in every thread, but I will repeat it once again ...
If you accuse someone of being a troll within a thread, you are subject to being banned. 

Report the post. Click on the little red triangle with the exclamation point in it below the posters name.

Thread closed.

Happy Thanksgiving.


----------

