# Cheating, I think. What should I do?



## NaiveGirl32 (Mar 19, 2009)

My bf of 12 years didn't return home last weekend (3 hrs late and cell phone turned off). I called his friends that he said he would be with and nobody had seen him for 5 hrs (they tried to call him for me to avail). I finally checked out his voicemail because we had agreed, the first time that he cheated 5 years ago, that he would give me his passwords to salvage our relationship (since he had nothing to hide). I haven't used this privilege until last weekend, thinking dbf was mugged or got into a car accident.

This is the voicemail I got with some women's voice (dragging through the words in a breathless tone): "Hi XXX, I don't know if you are in bed or still at work but I hope you can come up to my hotel room this evening. I am staying at the hotel at XXXX street. I really miss you and I hope you'll be here soon".

Then, there is a voicemail from his friend that I called earlier inquiring on his whereabouts. "Hey XXX, your gf just called me, I told her you are at XXXX bar but I think you need to call her and explain where you are".

Then I check our cell phone bills on the internet. Bf has made calls and texts to her for the past 3 months, within minutes when I leave the house for work or when he leaves me at home for his sport classes/gym. 80% of the calls/texts on his bill were to this girl.

So what do you ladies think? Was I wrong to snoop? Was he entitled to his privacy? Am I am a jealous and insecure girlfriend? Dbf (or rather, Ex-Dbf, I suppose) thinks I was wrong and that he is entitled to whoever he calls/texts. If I didn't snoop, he wouldn't have said anything.

As we are arguing right now, he tells me that I am misunderstanding and that it's ok for someone in his field (he is in investment banking) to socialize. When was it okay to flirt with someone for three months, though? I also asked him if she ever asked him about a g/f and he said he told her that while we had dated for so long, he just wasn't very serious about me. Later, he denied saying it because he was drunk when he said it.

He keeps telling me that I am victimizing myself and after being told that many times during the past few days, it's getting to the point where he is convincing me that I am victimizing myself. So I suggested that I flirt with guys (I've never done it before since I feel that it's disrespectful to him) but he said it's different when a girl flirts with a guy. Really? Is it? Sigh, I really want to kick him out (I did but he pays the rent so I am screwed eventually). I don't even know where to start to resolve our problems because while he keeps telling me that he still loves me, he has yet apologized for the texts/calls/and the inappropriate voicemail on his phone. He still hasn't explained where he was for the 3 hrs he was missing from the face of the earth either...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Why do people do that when they are guilty of something they try to pawn it off on the other person making them feel crazy? Well you are not crazy I think that he is cheating its obvious expecially with the message and text all the time then the friend calling wow. HONEY dont play his game bust him.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Naivegirl, the evidences are overwhelming.. why haven't you leaving him? He cheated twice, first you forgave him, and promised he won't do that again, well that's normal.. but now? don't let him do that to you on the third time.. 
You've been together in 12 years, and you haven't married yet.. now you see he can never be trusted.
Do what sunflower said.. bust him!


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

You know what you know. Trust your gut.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Cheating, you "think?"

Gosh, I have to wonder how much you believe you deserve to be treated with respect in your relationships. It doesn't appear as thought he's being very respectful.

You said you caught him five years ago and you'd worked on repairing it together. That's great - and it's not to say people can't work through unfaithfulness because they can. It's possible you have a serial cheater on your hands. If it walks like a duck....

To answer your question, "What should I do?" I'll toss a question back to you:

Is all of this working for you?


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

He's cheating...he's cheating...HE'S CHEATING!!! Don't feel crazy, and don't play his games. Figure out what your gonna do, and do it. Don't believe a word he says cause he is LYING!!! The only way you can move on without the truth, is without him. And if he doesn't confess, than he's not telling the truth.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I might be the only guy to trply to your thread so far...

I don't know if the two of you re living together, but if you are, I would end that straight away. You are allowing him to do whatever he wants and then getting over it.

Yes, he is cheating and it is time for him to go.

Respect yourself girl!

~Moog


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He is cheating. To make matters even worse, he is making you question your sanity. A man who does that when caught is beyond "low". He doesn't feel guilty or remorseful for his actions. That doesn't leave you with much to work with.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

NaiveGirl32 said:


> My bf of 12 years didn't return home last weekend (3 hrs late and cell phone turned off). I called his friends that he said he would be with and nobody had seen him for 5 hrs (they tried to call him for me to avail). I finally checked out his voicemail because we had agreed, the first time that he cheated 5 years ago, that he would give me his passwords to salvage our relationship (since he had nothing to hide). I haven't used this privilege until last weekend, thinking dbf was mugged or got into a car accident.
> 
> This is the voicemail I got with some women's voice (dragging through the words in a breathless tone): "Hi XXX, I don't know if you are in bed or still at work but I hope you can come up to my hotel room this evening. I am staying at the hotel at XXXX street. I really miss you and I hope you'll be here soon".
> 
> ...


 I think this guy is an adiot. You should have him show you financial records of this women if thats his client! I mean what does he have to lose, if he is lying he is busted. And as for the phone records, I don't think you were invading his privacy at all. Its black or white, not gray!!


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

Do you plan on getting married to a cheater if so plan on taking a trip thru hell and back if you were wise you should leave this guy for someone more loyal and trusting you need to gaued your own heart


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## NaiveGirl32 (Mar 19, 2009)

Thank you so much for everyone's support. I'd like to leave him, of course. And I know that I am not so unattractive or "crazy" that I cannot find a man who will really love me. Actually, 2 good guy friends have already asked me out on a date when they found out bf was cheating on me. 

But 12 years is difficult (longer than a lot of marriages) and I feel like I have to wean myself off over the next few weeks (maybe months). 

T-Dub, there is no financial record. The girl worked at Lehman Brothers and is now unemployed (or has been ever since December). Bf has apparently been trying to find her a job and found that talking to her during business hours on the the business phone (where everything is recorded) is a potential conflict of interest between his company and her (or so he tells me now).

He seems to take advantage of the fact that I am not in the business world and validates his excuses by saying I don't know anything about how businesses worked. I am sure he lied when he first told me that he was socializing with her to move his career up. How can someone move your career up if she doesn't even have a job? For 3 months, nonetheless? That's why I question my sanity a lot... because I teach and I don't know the social etiquette of the business world.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

ask yourself, why are you not married after 12 years?

I dated my wife 7 years before we got married, we been married for 12 now.

Move on sweetie, he will never marry you


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Do not for one second beat yourself up for checking out his activities! He is an admitted cheater! He forfeited his rights to privacy the first time he cheated and lied. Do you realize you may be literally saving your life, every time he has sex with someone he brings that filth home and shares it with you! Nice thought isn't it! 

Twelve years is a fairly short part of your entire life, there is nothing you can do to reclaim those years BUT you can decide to find happiness for the rest of your life! Dump him, do not let him touch you, do not let him into your home, if you have joint assets take what's yours, any charge cards held jointly need to be destroyed or the accounts frozen. Be rid of him, get tested for STD's and make sure he pays the bill!

Cooper


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

He's cheating, leave him...be glad you aren't married yet so there is no lawyer's and court's to get involved.


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