# 10 years and now she wants out.



## JohnnyP (Dec 11, 2012)

Hi, I'm new here and looking for some other folks to share my marriage issues with.

My wife of almost 10 years told me last week that she is no longer in love with me. I thought we were going through a rough patch and we needed to reconnect but it seems she had different ideas. 

I asked her if we could try to reconcile but she keeps saying she needs time to decide if she wants to work it out or move on. Everytime I talk to her she says not now, I can't do it and we have nothing more to discuss. I can't get a straight answer. It's all so very confusing.

Here's some background:
My wife enrolled in college last year to finish her degree, she's 36, and tried out for the women's softball team. She made it and ended up starting at 1st base by the end of the season.

She hung out with younger people a lot that season and I started to notice a change. She seemed less involved in family and more in softball friends, working weekends at a resturant and coming in late. She claimed there was nothing wrong and that she loved me. This continued all summer.

Two weeks ago I find out she had lied about a concert she went to, saying the tickets were free but she actually ended up paying for them. I was crushed. She had never lied before like that. 

That was just the beginning. Turns out she had amassed almost 8,000 in credit card debt, buying sporting goods for softball, drinks and food for friends and getting her nails, hair and body waxes done. She even got a speeding ticket she didn't tell me about.

I was furious. We talked and it seemed she was really remorseful. When I came home the next weekend from work she broke the news that she didn't love me anymore.



Now, I'm not super-husband, and I lack a little in the emotional connection area, but I'm a stand-up guy with two kids. I support the family working two jobs. 

I realize enough crap has happened for me to just walk out of this marriage but after ten years I would want to try and reconcile. She doesn't even want to talk, says it makes her angry that I want to discuss trying to fix things.

Is she having a mid-life crisis? 

Is my marriage unsalvageable?

Anyone have something similar happen?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

If I had to guess, I'd say she's having an affair.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Check her phone records put a var in the car separate finances it sounds like an affair.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Johhny,

Don't confront her and ask her if she's having an affair

You need to gather evidence first, quietly!

As noted above, pull her cell phone records and look for a lot of texts/calls to one or two numbers

Next, buy 2 voice activated recorders (VAR). Put one inder the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Keep the other one to switch it out with so you can listen to the other one and still record

Get a keylogger on the PC pronto!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Johny,

When you have time, go read up in the coping with infidelity section. Your wife is displaying many of the Red Flags of an affair. They are:

-Hanging around a much younger crowd
-Her behavior has changed and it's all about the friends now and not the family
-She's out drinking and partying with this youger crowd
-She's running up debt with her new lifestyle
-She's changing her appearance (I'm willing to bet some of her debt is for new sexier clothes, right?)

Brace yourself because this may have already gone physical

Good luck!


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## JohnnyP (Dec 11, 2012)

Thanks for the advice Toffer. When we had the it's over conversation she told me specifically it wasn't about anyone else but that we have become detached emotionally because of our busy schedules.

Deep down I think there is someone else as well. I hope not, but it's in the back of my mind.

She has a thing for women too, so it could be a woman that is the other person.

I'll have to look into a VAR and I thought about the key logger already.

She doesn't call anyone, I've checked phone records and there is only one or two repeat numbers and I know the number. She hangs out on facebook all the time, yet I have access to her account and there's nothing there either.

This sucks.

And our phone carrier Sprint does not store text messages.


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## JohnnyP (Dec 11, 2012)

I think she may also be having a mid-life crisis. She never really got the college experience, had her first baby at 26 and spent the last 10 years raising kids and keeping the family together. 

I hope it's just that and she see's the light.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Johhny,

You won't see the texts from Sprint. You'll just see how many and to and from what number(s).

VAR and keylogger right away!

My wife had our first child at 27 so I don't buy into that BS reason

She may not be involved with anyone and just simply may be done but you need to find out.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

JohnnyP said:


> I think she may also be having a mid-life crisis. She never really got the college experience, had her first baby at 26 and spent the last 10 years raising kids and keeping the family together.
> 
> I hope it's just that and she see's the light.


I don't believe in mid life crisis'. A "mid life crisis" is a lame excuse for your very poor behavior. Both my husband and I are mid life and neither one of us act in this manner. I've been raising children since I was 19 and I never thought it robbed me of my younger years ever and I'm older then your wife. My oldest child is now in her adult years herself.

Use Toffer's advice and find out what's going on. Find out who she's talking to on Facebook and see if there are chat logs open or look in private messages. Put a good keylogger in the computer, this will help immensely! Install a VAR under her carseat without her knowing.

Don't sweep that missing $8 grand either under the rug. Being remorseful is merely not enough. That is simply unacceptable! 

I would suspect an affair with her behavior.


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## JohnnyP (Dec 11, 2012)

She flat out told me this morning that if she was seeing someone that she would have just left. 

Not sure how I feel about that comment.

I have a therapy appointment scheduled for Monday night. Perhaps that will help a little.

I'm also taking the kids to my parents during the holidays. Perhaps a few days by herself will get her gears turning a little. 

I'll try the keylogger first, the VAR seems like a much larger invasion and a road I'm not prepared to travel yet.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

JohnnyP said:


> She flat out told me this morning that if she was seeing someone that she would have just left.
> 
> Not sure how I feel about that comment.
> 
> ...


The VAR is so you know what you are dealing with. When you are gone put one in the house and one in the car.:banghead:


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

JohnnyP said:


> She flat out told me this morning that if she was seeing someone that she would have just left.
> 
> *Johnny, sorry but this line is staright out of the cheaters script.*
> 
> ...


*Get the VARs. One definitely in the car (For some reason, cheaters feel secure talking to thier lovers while they are in their cars) and the other in the bedrooms of the house and the living room.

I think this one's gone off the ranch on you. Don't confront any more. Gather evidence quietly*


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Do you have a good neighbor friend? Maybe he/she can casually look at you driveway when you are gone see what activity is going on. If you can afford it PI.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

JohnnyP said:


> I'm also taking the kids to my parents during the holidays. Perhaps a few days by herself will get her gears turning a little.


Actually this is a very good idea. Take the kids to your parents then borrow a car and drive back to your house and park it down the street. You'll catch your wife and her new boyfriend together leaving/entering your home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Johnny,

As you probably realized by now, the chances that she is up to something are pretty good. Not 100% but pretty good

You need to find out so you need to know what your dealing with if you truly want a shot at trying to fix this.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

She could also right now be only in the EA stage, and believing that's not a 'real' affair .. that she can talk and confide and get intimate with another man, which makes you look even more like a chump.. and as long as it doesn't become physical she's 'in the clear'. 

That is what happened in my case and why after an initial set of trying I figured out why she was so adamant on leaving, and why I was better of letting her go. She drew the line at a different place than I would 

I also agree, it's time to cover your bases and find the truth and you won't necessarily get that from her. Good luck and sorry for the pain you are undoubtedly feeling. On this forum we can relate, unfortunately!


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

JohnnyP said:


> Hi, I'm new here and looking for some other folks to share my marriage issues with.
> 
> My wife of almost 10 years told me last week that she is no longer in love with me. I thought we were going through a rough patch and we needed to reconnect but it seems she had different ideas.
> 
> ...


It still amazes me how many times I see a new post that is the splitting image of what my wife did to our marriage. She started hanging out with younger people, going out a lot. When asked she would say how much she loved me and she was just having a rough patch. She always said just enough to keep me there waiting in the wings thinking the problem wasn't me. Her most used quote at that time was "It's me not you". Which of course made me think it wasn't anything I was doing or not doing. Then suddenly she tells me she no longer loves me and doesn't want to go to counseling or try and make it work. Turns out she had met some guy. Probably while she was out partying. Also she amassed about 10 grand of debt on the credit card. No idea where it went.

Like you we had some issues in our marriage, but I never thought they amounted to much more then the usual. Its probably a combination of getting bored after all these years and a mid life crisis. Then once she started going out with these friends partying all the time it was exciting and in stark contrast to the boredom she felt at home. Add some new guy in the picture and that just upped the ante for her. Everyone knows how intoxicating it is when you connect with someone new and mysterious to you. Marriages take work. Affairs don't.

Now after reading so many books and coming here I know a lot I could have done to make things work. Though I'll never know had I known and done those things then if it would have helped.

Most likely you will get the same answer to your question here about what to do. Its called the 180. Just google search it or look in this forum.


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