# Very Confused with Husbands Intentions..



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

So I have been married to my stbxh for almost 9 years, we have 2 boys 8 and 6 and he is the one that is wanting the divorce. But why is it that he keeps asking me after everything is done if I would ever consider giving him another chance? And I ask him if he is wanting me to give him another chance then why doesn't he want to try and go to MC and save our marriage instead of getting a divorce? And he just says it's something he has to do.. I just don't understand his intentions here... Why would he want a divorce if he wants to possibly try to start over again in the future?:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Because he wants the assurance you're going to be there for him no matter what. His "safe bet."

Tell him it does'nt work that way. Divorce = no more you.


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## Steph2010 (Nov 1, 2010)

One possibility could be that he is interested or involved with someone else and if it ends up not working out than he might be thinking he wants to try with you again.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Yeah that's just weird... Maybe some sick way of making him feel better about himself. If you say yes it tells him that you don't hate him. ???? I'd be baffled by such a comment. I suppose there could be lots of reasons for saying that. Maybe there is something going on that you don't know about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Yes I agree.. And of course when I ask him why if he wants to try once we are divorced and not now he never wants to answer that question. I even asked him a few weeks ago if he would consider just doing a legal seperation if he was considering wanting to trying again at some point and he said no he didnt want to do that! Since we are currently in another state from where out family is I am certainly taking our kids and moving home!! And he is going to try and get stationed back home so he can be closer to the boys. So that's the only thing I can think of is that there is someone else and that once he isn't here in this state anymore and it's done then the only option left is me! And I'm not going to be there for him to run back to I deserve better than that specially when I'm the one that has been faithful! But it just bothers me that he thinks that getting divorced is going to magically make all of our or should I say his problems get all better and change him into this better man and he is going to be so much happier with me... I don't get it. And the only thing he has said is because I was his first love and we lost our virginity together bla bla bla... I know I just need to get over it but it's hard when he texts me and asks if I am still going to consider giving him a chance? WTF!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm thinking Jellybeans might have the answer. Sounds like he wants to keep you as a backup plan. Maybe on one hand he wants to try something different but in case that doesn't work out , he wants some reassurance that he has a chance of coming back home. Sounds like he doesn't want to work on the marriage now and he does want the marriage now but he also wants you to commit to "working on it", which implies sometime in the future. Only makes sense to me three ways: either he actually wants to check something else out; or he is being pressured to go through the motions of a divorce he doesn't really want; or he only wants the threat of a divorce to persuade you to make some change (other than go to counseling),


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Definitely. "Foot in the door syndrome"


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sounds like there's someone else to me. Maybe in some weird twisted way he is bothered by adultry/infidelityand a divorce would make being with someone else legit. Then if that fails, your a backup plan. I dunno, it sounds like a mighty expensive way to have an affair! Yeah, i know that sounds ridiculous but this is a weird thing he is asking. I don't believe it myself but I'm just throwing that out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

baseballmom said:


> Yes I agree.. And of course when I ask him why if he wants to try once we are divorced and not now he never wants to answer that question. I even asked him a few weeks ago if he would consider just doing a legal seperation if he was considering wanting to trying again at some point and he said no he didnt want to do that!


Baseball, my husband did this our entire separation. Even told me that following the day of the divorce, we should move in together.

It's actually not that uncommon, eventhough to a logical person like you and I, it makes no sense. 

Thing is, waywards always want to make sure you are going to be there for them, no matter what.

You have to read in between the lines. Follow their ACTIONS, not words. 

What he's telling you is he wants all the benefits of being married, without being married. He wants you, just not the committment. He wants what he wants and has no regard for what you want.

It's selfish. And it falls in line with the entitlement waywards have. They think they can do something as massive as cut off a marriage and you will still be there batting your eyes for them, asking hwo they're doing, and offering up sex like a mistress. 

Uh-uh.
No way.
No how.

Tell him in CLEAR terms: after the divorce, there is no more us. Then act like you mean it (because words are cheap). Let go right now.

You have already stated your case to him: if you still want to BE with me, why not do counselling and work at our relationship? He has already made it clear he's not interested in that. He wants what he wants and hwo he wants (a divorce from you, and you as his sidepiece afterwards).

Give him the divorce with open arms. But don't cater to him. Don't fight him on what he wants. Smile at him and wish him well. If down the line you guys reconcile, it will be because he has to show you he's earned his way back in, that he's serious about you, that he realizes the f-ckery he caused through what he chose. Right now he wants out. So open the door and let him go. 

But don't hold his hand through the process.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

baseballmom said:


> Since we are currently in another state from where out family is I am certainly taking our kids and moving home!! And he is going to try and get stationed back home so he can be closer to the boys.


You used the word "stationed." Is your husband in the military? If so, could that have something to do with it? I've heard lots of stories of military spouses who have guilt for not being there for the family, or worry that something could happen to them that would leave their family devastated. In his mind maybe he thinks he has to do this to protect you but wants to know that you'll be there for him someday if circumstances change.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

broken1, not a bad theory. 

Jellybeans, really - "f-ckery". That is some really funny sh%&t! Never heard that one. LMAO!!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

There is no way in h*ll I would have my H drag me through all the pain of a divorce, only to have us "date" afterwards.
If we're divorced, we're divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Jellybeans you have the best posts. I've been letting my soon to be ex lead me around by the nose for the past two years. I wish I found the "follow his actions not his words" concept 12 months ago. I would be in a much better place.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

That's a very expensive, disruptive experiment. Gone is gone. In the eyes of the law you are a free moral agent. Take that and run with it. Don't let him keep you hooked, because if you didn't start this it will just keep you bleeding. It's like being a little bit pregnant--either you is or you ain't.


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Thanks everyone!! I really appreciate your opinions! And I agree with what everyone is saying.. 

Jelly I fully agree with what you said! And I absolutely love the term "f-ckery"!!! Made my night 

Broken - Yes he is in the military but I don't think it has anything to do with feeling guilty if something happens because he has already been deployed a few times before and hasn't been an issue, so for it to be an issue now after the fact wouldn't make sense to me.

Griza - Yes that was exactly what I kept pointing out to him when he first asked me if I would consider it starting over again was how much it was going to cost to get divorced if the end result was to try and get back together.

But I'm giving him what he wants and will be filing next week and as soon as our boys are out of school and I get things situated with my job then I will be moving back home by the end of next month. I think that will be when reality will hit him and he won't have me around to pay his bills and do everything that he has never had to do before.. Hmmm will I feel bad for him??? NOOO!!!!

We decided not to tell the boys about the divorce until he gets stationed back home and there is a more of a plan for when he will get them etc. so last night I told them that we will be moving home and they were excited to be going back since it's really just us here. Of course they are going to miss their daddy. My H wanted to know how they took it and when I told him he was pretty sad they weren't devastated that they had to leave him.. Well what did he expect?? For the past year he basically has only seen them once or twice every week or two since he is always "working". So of course they are used to him always being gone.. I told him it would be different if he was there every day but he isn't. That's his eye opening reality on him not taking the time for his kids.. 

Sorry just had to vent a little bit!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's active duty and has dependants, he gets BAH whether you're divorced or not and that's money for you and the kids, not for him and not for Sugarbritches. If he's been deployed a few times, it's always possible that he's having readjustment issues which could account for his conflicting statements. I didn't realize before that he was in the military and had been deployed. That creates another line of possibilities. Maybe it's worth a little counseling to investigate this thing a bit further. Deployments tend to weird-up a marriage and y'all have apparently been through a few. It'd be a shame to trash a marriage over deployments when neither of you asked for them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> broken1, not a bad theory.
> 
> Jellybeans, really - "f-ckery". That is some really funny sh%&t! Never heard that one. LMAO!!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:





baseballmom said:


> Jelly I fully agree with what you said! And I absolutely love the term "f-ckery"!!! Made my night



Glad I could make you both laugh 



staircase said:


> Jellybeans you have the best posts. I've been letting my soon to be ex lead me around by the nose for the past two years. I wish I found the "follow his actions not his words" concept 12 months ago. I would be in a much better place.


I know, right?!


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Well I went to the lawyers today and will be meeting with her again on thursday to officially file the paperwork... I know it's for the best but again it's reality setting in with everything being official. So it's been an emotional day for me. H says he understands the pain I am going through which I don't see how he can understand that but then says that everything will work out and to keep my head up... again wtf!!! I think once I am able to get back home with family it will be easier for me to handle things as I won't be around him and will be able to be with my family and friends for more support. 

For now I will keep my spirits up and try to stay positive for my boys.


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