# Major marriage issues



## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

Hi guys,

I am new to the forum. I was hoping to share some details about some difficulty I am having in my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 6 years and we have 2 young children. As time has gone by my wife has become more and more miserable with me. We have virtually no sex life (maybe once a month if I am lucky). She shows very little affection and is generally cranky. All of this is making me very unhappy in the marriage. I love my kids and I can't stand the thought of divorce but I have been unhappy for years now and I don't know what to do.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi there, welcome to TAM 

What is your wife cranky about? Could she be depressed or have undiagnosed post natal depression? Is she SAHM or does she work outside the home?


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

She works and is very unhappy at her job. I don't think she is depressed so much as she is hormonally imbalanced. She is also iron defficient.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

So it's the job, a hormonal imbalance, and an iron deficiency.

Nothing to do with you whatsoever.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So she hates her job...and she'd always feel exhausted due to the iron deficiency. 

Does she resent working because she wants to be a SAHM or is it the job itself?

Do you help her around the house? If you're both working, the housework should be split 50/50. Not saying you don't, just asking the question


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

No, she doesn't want to be a stay at home mom. Our housework is pretty much 50/50.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

1st, assume you ARE going to get divorced

2nd, sit her down and ask her why she has 0 desire to show you affection and be intimate with you.

3rd, tell her that it is unacceptable and if it continues you will get a divorce

Regardless if you want to stay married or not, your marriage IS and will continue to be completely broken unless she gets her ass in gear pronto.

Satisfying your partner sexually is probably one of the most important jobs in a marriage. Without it, you will either leave of find it elsewhere.

Unreal....


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

lenzi said:


> So it's the job, a hormonal imbalance, and an iron deficiency.
> 
> Nothing to do with you whatsoever.


A hormonal imbalance sounds like it would do it.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

So get her to the doctor?


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



DoF said:


> 1st, assume you ARE going to get divorced
> 
> 2nd, sit her down and ask her why she has 0 desire to show you affection and be intimate with you.
> 
> ...


I have talked to her about this many times and I have told her how unhappy it makes me. She says that she can't explain her lack of desire however she says that it runs in her family. Things were wonderful before we had kids. She rarely even kisses or hugs me any more. I have threatened divorce before when I was really upset. I would really rather sort things out with her seeing as we have kids. I just don't know what to do any more. We have been through marriage counseling twice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And what came up in the marriage counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Connaissance said:


> I have talked to her about this many times and I have told her how unhappy it makes me. She says that she can't explain her lack of desire however she says that it runs in her family. Things were wonderful before we had kids. She rarely even kisses or hugs me any more. I have threatened divorce before when I was really upset. I would really rather sort things out with her seeing as we have kids. I just don't know what to do any more. We have been through marriage counseling twice.


Don't worry about kids. DO NOT let that effect your decision on divorce.

Truth is, they will be just fine as long as both of you remain active in their life.

HOWEVER, for them to live and experience unhealthy relationship of their parents is probably the worse thing you can do.

Remember, all of your complaints about your wife is what your kids are learning TODAY about relationship. By you staying, you are telling them that her negligence is OK.

And it is not.

Tell your wife that it's good that she knows her family faults, but you are not looking for "history" or what "runs in her family".....you are looking for actions and resolutions. Ask her what she is going to do about it exactly.

I would still lay the hammer down and tell her you are thinking about divorce, this is an important issue.

If you are not willing to put it all out on the line, what will happen is your marriage might probably go on....but you will be one miserable/neglected creature.

personally I think no one deserves that kind of a treatment while in a relationship. I take that back, what you have should NOT be labeled a relationship AT ALL. More of a room mate/parent partner?

Good luck, I really hope your wife listens and acts. That's what will really make or break this marriage (now or later).


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Hi Connaissance,

Does your wife have a responsive drive rather than an aggressive drive? She may just need you to be more aggressive in the bedroom. 

I'm not implying that you're not doing it right, but for me, I ALWAYS find that I didn't think I was in the mood, until my husband was already on top of me.
There is a saying that goes: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Maybe you can apply this to your bedroom style.
Are you two a younger couple or 30's, mid 30's, 40's?
How long have you 2 been married?

I know that I would often get into a no sex pattern due to outside life stresses and responsibilities. When this happens, my husband just initiates, doesn't back down from his needs, and 'takes what he wants' for lack of a better description.
When he does this I feel 2 things:

1. Absolute desire (responsive desire) for him to just be the man and give me what I need (notice I said need not want;sometimes I don't even know what I want).
2. A feeling of 'why fight this? I always feel better when we hook up.' Think of it as submission.

Can you just initiate without stopping, or does she just fight you tooth and nail every step of the way? (Hmmm, that could be fun too!) I'm not trying to suggest that you do something too aggressive if it would not be received well, but I know that I respond well to that technique.

Also, try not to get sucked in by her drama. Don't fall for the poor me, I'm so tired I had such a hard day at work story. She will stall you as long as you allow her to do it.
My H used to be a permission seeker (for sex) husband. Then he started to realize that when he gave me any advanced warning that he wanted sex that night, I would always have a ready-made excuse to not go there. When he just 'went for it' and started undressing me, I just didn't try to resist (much). I found myself wanting it as bad as he did.
I am not advocating acting without consent, but try the direct approach and see how far you get. I was a master excuse maker to avoid sex by the way.

Hope you get this worked out.
Good Luck


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Connaissance said:


> I have talked to her about this many times and I have told her how unhappy it makes me. She says that she can't explain her lack of desire however she says that it runs in her family. Things were wonderful before we had kids. She rarely even kisses or hugs me any more. I have threatened divorce before when I was really upset. I would really rather sort things out with her seeing as we have kids. I just don't know what to do any more. We have been through marriage counseling twice.


Con, your wife really can't level with you on this, because her sexual desire is run by the autonomic system to a great degree and not by the rational (cortex) part of the brain. So, she either doesn't have any desire and doesn't really know why or she has desire for somebody other than you (or both). This is very confusing to her, most likely.

Basically, for several psychobiological reasons, most, but not all, women lose sexual attraction for their husbands, eventually. Ever hear of the 7 year itch? It's a real thing. This is especially true after kids.

What is the nature of her hormone imbalance?

How often do women hit on you at work or out and about?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

sexy said:


> Hi Connaissance,
> 
> Does your wife have a responsive drive rather than an aggressive drive? She may just need you to be more aggressive in the bedroom.
> 
> ...


I love this reply! Much wisdom there....


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



PBear said:


> And what came up in the marriage counseling?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Basically the counsellor determined that my wife is burnt out from work and warned her to slow down or else she might lose everything. She told my wife to try to be intimate once per week. My wife then went to the naturopath and she said that my wife has damaged her adrenal glands badly from too much coffee.


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Machiavelli said:


> Con, your wife really can't level with you on this, because her sexual desire is run by the autonomic system to a great degree and not by the rational (cortex) part of the brain. So, she either doesn't have any desire and doesn't really know why or she has desire for somebody other than you (or both). This is very confusing to her, most likely.
> 
> Basically, for several psychobiological reasons, most, but not all, women lose sexual attraction for their husbands, eventually. Ever hear of the 7 year itch? It's a real thing. This is especially true after kids.
> 
> ...


It has something to do with her anti aging hormone being completely out of whack. The rest was normal as far as I know.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Connaissance said:


> It has something to do with her anti aging hormone being completely out of whack. The rest was normal as far as I know.


She's on hormone replacement therapy? How old is she?

How often do women hit on you?


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



sexy said:


> Hi Connaissance,
> 
> Does your wife have a responsive drive rather than an aggressive drive? She may just need you to be more aggressive in the bedroom.
> 
> ...


We are in our mid thirties and we have been married for 6 years.

I can try being more aggressive. Usually it is quite apparent when my wife is in the mood. Otherwise I have given up and I don't even bother.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Connaissance said:


> We are in our mid thirties and we have been married for 6 years.


Normally, your wife should be at her peak of sexual desire due to her T levels maxing out at this age. Has she had a total hysterectomy?



Connaissance said:


> I can try being more aggressive. Usually it is quite apparent when my wife is in the mood. Otherwise I have given up and I don't even bother.


Women respond to aggression. Their fantasies often revolve around their being sexually irresistible to men. How much time do you spend together in any given week?

So, you never get approached for sex by strange women?

The women at work don't sound you out for an affair?


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Lila said:


> Was it low levels of dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA)?


I think so. I just did some reading about that and it sounds right.


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Machiavelli said:


> Normally, your wife should be at her peak of sexual desire due to her T levels maxing out at this age. Has she had a total hysterectomy?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I get flirted with a lot at work but never approached for sex. I am a healthy and attractive guy.


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Lila said:


> How often do you two spend quality time together as a couple (i.e no kids around)?
> 
> Do you show her affection without expectations for sex?
> 
> I know it can be very frustrating, but before you jump on the divorce train, make sure you've tried everything you can to make the marriage work. Read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Languages.


Very rarely, maybe twice a month. I show her a lot of affection but rarely if ever does she even kiss or hug me.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Lila said:


> Was it low levels of dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA)?





Connaissance said:


> I think so. I just did some reading about that and it sounds right.


That's a testosterone precursor produced by the liver, but she really shouldn't be short on that at the moment. And the idea that drinking coffee would reduce the production is pretty far out. 

Has she seen a D.O. or an M.D. about it?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Connaissance said:


> I get flirted with a lot at work but never approached for sex.


Then it's time to get to work. What's your workout routine?


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Machiavelli said:


> Then it's time to get to work. What's your workout routine?


I haven't had time to work out in months. I will try this week to go for a run. Usually I run and bike to keep in shape.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> How often do women hit on you?


LOL. There are men who would tell the truth about this? Isn't that kind of like asking "how big is it?" and getting a truthful answer?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Connaissance said:


> I haven't had time to work out in months. I will try this week to go for a run. Usually I run and bike to keep in shape.


Well, those really don't do that much to increase your appeal to a woman's arousal system. She's naturally programmed to respond visually to a V torso and flat stomach. People who study psychobiology and reproduction tell us this is a quick visual way women are programmed to check for fighting strength. You get that by picking up heavy things. Biking and running do almost zero for you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Faeleaf said:


> LOL. There are men who would tell the truth about this? Isn't that kind of like asking "how big is it?" and getting a truthful answer?


Most guys say never, sidestep the question, or say "a little." So, they're pretty honest about it.

So, when did you realize you were a size queen?


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Machiavelli,

I'm sorry, your posts are just confusing to me simply because I don't care about looks at all (or size), and if my sex life was bad and my spouse's response was to work out and wait for my clothes to fall off, that would go over like Rush Limbagh at a pride parade. Maybe it will work for the OP's wife though...it just baffles me. 


Connaissance

I have a very hard, very stressful job. On the worst weeks I am in the office at 7 in the morning and there until 8 or 9 at night, with a one-hour commute each way on top of that. Some weekends too. It can really, really wear me down. In general I love my life and my work, but I won't lie, when it gets bad it gets REALLY bad.

I can tell you, during those rough times, I cannot just shake the tension and stress in the evenings or on my occasional days off. It can be very hard to be as loving to my family as I know I should be, because of how awful I feel. 

However, this is not my husband's problem. It is OUR problem. Having an unhappy husband is not an option I will settle for, just as he will not settle for an unhappy wife. So we brainstorm possible solutions (one of our strengths). 

Lately we have begun calling an immediate "time-out" as soon as I come in the door from work. I can set down my purse and take off my shoes, but after that he is pulling me by the hand into our bedroom and shutting the door. We lie in bed, his arms wrapped around me, and we talk for 10-15 minutes. (THIS IS NOT SEX TIME.) It helps tremendously, in helping me "transition" to the gentle pace of home life, in restoring intimacy and closeness with my husband, and giving me some much needed stress relief. And it reminds me how much of a priority I am to my spouse. who cares about my peace of mind this much.

Needless to say, all of this means a stronger relationship with my husband, and a more active sex life. I don't know if your wife is like me, but if she is, this kind of thing could help.


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Faeleaf said:


> Machiavelli,
> 
> I'm sorry, your posts are just confusing to me simply because I don't care about looks at all (or size), and if my sex life was bad and my spouse's response was to work out and wait for my clothes to fall off, that would go over like Rush Limbagh at a pride parade. Maybe it will work for the OP's wife though...it just baffles me.
> 
> ...


My wife is very tense and irritable for about an hour when she comes home from work. She prefers quiet time and does not like to talk.

I really appreciate your advice. What do you do with the kids during those 15 minutes?


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Machiavelli said:


> Well, those really don't do that much to increase your appeal to a woman's arousal system. She's naturally programmed to respond visually to a V torso and flat stomach. People who study psychobiology and reproduction tell us this is a quick visual way women are programmed to check for fighting strength. You get that by picking up heavy things. Biking and running do almost zero for you.


Ok so I just went for a 45 minute run. I ran 6km. Thanks for encouraging me, I really needed that. It says that I burned 500 calories on endomondo. Biking and running give me a flat stomach and a toned body. Once I lose 15 pounds or so I will start with the weights. Thanks again for getting me going!


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Lila said:


> The rule of thumb is you should spend a minimum of 15 hours of quality time with your spouse A WEEK. This is time set aside just for you two to reconnect.
> 
> Do you two have access to a babysitter or the means to hire one for a date night outside the house?
> 
> Better yet, considering your wife is stressed out by life, apparently, what about a weekend getaway...just the two of you?


I will look into a babysitter and more weekend getaways. It's really hard with the kids.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Connaissance said:


> My wife is very tense and irritable for about an hour when she comes home from work. She prefers quiet time and does not like to talk.
> 
> I really appreciate your advice. What do you do with the kids during those 15 minutes?


Fortunately, our kids are not extremely young - 11 and 17. They understand completely that they can wait for a few minutes for Mom to feel better before asking for something. It didn't take too many times telling them before they got the hint.

Honestly, this time-out sets the mood for the whole evening to be better, so even if the kids are young and you have to put them in front of a TV for 10 minutes, or give them hand-held game or something, it's worth it. Everyone - including the kids - is going to have a better night after Mom gets some soothing!


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



Faeleaf said:


> Fortunately, our kids are not extremely young - 11 and 17. They understand completely that they can wait for a few minutes for Mom to feel better before asking for something. It didn't take too many times telling them before they got the hint.
> 
> Honestly, this time-out sets the mood for the whole evening to be better, so even if the kids are young and you have to put them in front of a TV for 10 minutes, or give them hand-held game or something, it's worth it. Everyone - including the kids - is going to have a better night after Mom gets some soothing!


Thanks very much for the idea, I will give it a try.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Connaissance said:


> Basically the counsellor determined that my wife is burnt out from work and warned her to slow down or else she might lose everything. She told my wife to try to be intimate once per week. My wife then went to the naturopath and she said that my wife has damaged her adrenal glands badly from too much coffee.


And? What happened to the advice? Going to a counselor is useless if you don't try what they say...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Does your wife want to feel better? Is she willing to work on herself to do so? Even apart from you taking care of herself is important.

You both have to make time away from the kids. They are little adorable leeches who will sick you dry if you don't find ways to replenish your reserves.

Your wife also needs time alone. Just her time.

Exercise and yoga area my suggestions for her.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Has your wife seen an M.D? Is she on iron supplements? Encourage her to be treated, whether physically or mentally. 

Read His Needs, Her Needs and print up the questionaires on marriage builders website. Those things has helped us a lot!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Faeleaf said:


> Machiavelli,
> 
> I'm sorry, your posts are just confusing to me simply because I don't care about looks at all (or size),


Then you are a statistical outlier. OP's wife may also be one, but most likely not.



Faeleaf said:


> and if my sex life was bad and my spouse's response was to work out and wait for my clothes to fall off,


Who said OP's wife's clothes would fall off if OP improved his physique?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Exercise and yoga area my suggestions for her.


Especially yoga.


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

*Re: Re: Major marriage issues*



clipclop2 said:


> Does your wife want to feel better? Is she willing to work on herself to do so? Even apart from you taking care of herself is important.
> 
> You both have to make time away from the kids. They are little adorable leeches who will sick you dry if you don't find ways to replenish your reserves.
> 
> ...


I just talked to her and she is going to do aquafit once per week. Thanks everyone for your insights and ideas. I really feel more encouraged that things can get better. We are also going to hire a babysitter so that we can have a date once per week.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I know a guy who was um... huge. He did WW and started yoga. OMG what a toned body! And he could stand on his head. He was probably amazing in bed after that!


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

So I've read almost half of his needs her needs. I have been trying to go out of my way to be affectionate with my wife and I have taken the time to talk to her. All that I am getting back is the same cold and unappreciative nonsense. I don't know how long this process takes but I am finding it really frustrating. I would have more patience if this hadn't been going on for so long.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I found it amazing how my wife's hormonal imbalances, workload, stress with the kids killed our sex life and she really didn't care that much.

And then I found it even more amazing how me getting in shape, dressing well, watching my hygiene, and learning how to hit on my wife fixed her hormones, workload, and stress with the kids because she was suddenly not just willing but eager to have sex with me...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Connaissance said:


> So I've read almost half of his needs her needs. I have been trying to go out of my way to be affectionate with my wife and I have taken the time to talk to her. All that I am getting back is the same cold and unappreciative nonsense. I don't know how long this process takes but I am finding it really frustrating. I would have more patience if this hadn't been going on for so long.


Try doing the opposite for a few weeks.

Put the book down, pick up some heavy things repeatedly, stop being overly affectionate, dress well, hit on your wife when you want sex, and always have something else great to do when she turns you down.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

marduk said:


> I found it amazing how my wife's hormonal imbalances, workload, stress with the kids killed our sex life and she really didn't care that much.
> 
> And then I found it even more amazing how me getting in shape, dressing well, watching my hygiene, and learning how to hit on my wife fixed her hormones, workload, and stress with the kids because she was suddenly not just willing but eager to have sex with me...


Exactly my experience.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> Exactly my experience.


Women like to screw sexy guys, whoda thunkit?

God, I'm such an idiot.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You really need to have more patience. it takes months to repair something like this.


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

I'm starting to think that this can't be fixed and divorce is the only solution. I talked to my wife a great deal today. She is completely happy in the marriage and she says that she finds me extremely attractive. She thinks sex once per month is perfectly normal and acceptable. She has refused to go to the doctor for this for over a year now. I really think that I have to give her an ultimatum and then move on with my life.


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

So I gave her an ultimatum and she stormed out of the car. After 5 years of this I just don't have any more patience.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sometimes moving on the the best answer. Better at 6 years than 16 or 26.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Connaissance said:


> So I gave her an ultimatum and she stormed out of the car. After 5 years of this I just don't have any more patience.


She's extremely happy with the marriage but isn't willing to put out more than 12 times a year to keep it?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

marduk said:


> She's extremely happy with the marriage but isn't willing to put out more than 12 times a year to keep it?


Sad but may be time to move on.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Hey Lila

I don't think that the OP came on here asking for advice at the same time not intending to take any of it. I suspect what may have happened is that all the advice got a bit overwhelming, there was a lot of it, different things to try - all new ideas to him. He hadn't had time to absorb it all, he just wanted to take action. So he did. And also he, as you pointed out, lacked patience. I think what's happened is his behaviour with her changed as a result of testing out the advice on this board, he didn't get an instant reaction, his wife didn't respond in the way he'd hoped - she would've become suspicious/non-responsive, and he's thrown his hands up in the air and issued an ultimatum. I'd say what that tells you is that is there is a certain degree of immaturity, but also a lot of built-up anger and resentment that spilled over. Also, I was surprised that nothing was said about what does she think the problem is, nor did he ask her what does she see as the solution? What does she say she needs/wants from him? 
To me I see a degree of self-centredness operating, and when he didn't get the response he wanted, he punished her with an ultimatum. A lot of built-up anger and resentment, too. This may be spilling over to the lack of interest in sex. It may be more than just hormones (that said, I can vouch for hormonal changes causing a normally hot-blooded female into a disinterested one) . As you pointed out, these things take time, and 90 days just focusing on her needs is a good time frame, as you suggested. I'd be curious to see what's happened since the OP issued the ultimatum. 
All's not lost, OP.
Miss Metta


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He isn't very mature or astute. I don't think he wants to save it. He acted too late and now has no desire to work through the problem. She is just hearing him for the first time and she doesnt believe he is serious. Perhaps her past experience with him is similar: he gets a bee in his bonnet and stomps around demanding and then goes back to being quiet without follow through.

I don't know.

If he wants to save his marriage he needs to behave like an adult.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Instead of divorcing it would be cheaper for you to have her quit her job, since that is a major stress for her. Can't you support the family with your income alone? Make some cuts in your lifestyle. Man up and take care of your family. Talk to about the plan saying you hoping if she isn't working and is less stressed she will be less cranky, have more time for the both of you and up your sex life.

Don't just give up and desert her and your children over differences in the amount of sex you both want.


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

Wow some of you guys are really jumping on me. Please keep in mind that I have been living in a sexless marriage for over 5 years now. I have been extremely patient. I have just reached the point that I can't take it any more. To hear my wife say that there is not even a problem and that sex once a month is normal just pushed me over the edge. She is the one refusing to deal with the problem. I really don't think that it is fair for you all to blame me when she obviously has a serious hormonal imbalance that she is not dealing with. For her to not even try to solve the problem it tells me that she doesn't even care.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I suspect that she cares plenty. The problem is that because you put up with it for so long and never drew a line in the sand that she does not believe that you will do anything about it. That's why it will take more time to modify your behavior and get through to her. 

stop kamoteng and behaving like a little boy and work out a plan. 

and we're giving you a hard time because you are the one who is here. If you can convince her to come here we have some words for her as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

by the way I think the idea of her quitting her job is a really poor one. her problem is probably not solely that she has a job that stresses her out. and there's nothing like having a lot less money to at a different kind of stress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Connaissance (Aug 22, 2014)

Ok guys, here is a bit of a sad and unfortunate update. My wife and I are in all likelihood heading for a divorce. For me it has been over 5 years of being unhappy and I just don't see things getting any better. If it were only the lack of sex I could probably be more patient, but my wife is being miserable with me on a pretty constant basis and I have just had enough of it at this point.

It breaks my heart that my kids have to suffer because of this, but if I don't move on with my life it's just going to be an unhappy home for them anyways.

I really appreciate all of you chiming in to try to help. It really saddens me that things have come to this. I'm going to focus on moving on with my life in a positive way.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

It's very hard to live with emotionally cold and detached people. Some people just find it impossible. This is specially true about living with women of such nature. Men are naturally less affectionate than women. When this dynamic gets reversed in a marriage, for some men it becomes unbearable. 

It's not about sex. It's about feeling loved. 

I do feel bad for the wife in this story though, because she probably has little chance of changing her personality. She deserves someone who accepts her the way she is. Something Connaissance is not willing to do.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Give this guy a break will ya. He has been at it another 5-6 weeks and evidently his wife does not want to join the happy program unless it is the one she has been subscribing to for the past 5 years. 

Maybe it is chemical. Sounds like it but if she is not willing to get help it is hopeless isn't it. Maybe she can find an LD guy to marry next time.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Connaissance said:


> I'm starting to think that this can't be fixed and divorce is the only solution. I talked to my wife a great deal today. She is completely happy in the marriage and she says that she finds me extremely attractive. She thinks sex once per month is perfectly normal and acceptable. She has refused to go to the doctor for this for over a year now. I really think that I have to give her an ultimatum and then move on with my life.


Have you ever thought that maybe your wife's sex drive simply is not as high as yours? It might be hard for you to imagine but try to think if you were happy but sex wasn't the reason you were happy. Sex didn't make your day, sex wasn't priority #1 on your list. Hard to imagine? Women naturally do not have the sex drive that men (generally speaking) have, plain and simple. This might not be about a hormonal imbalance at all. She might be exhausted as even though you say you share 50/50 around the house and with the kids I wonder what your wife would say. I am not saying you are not helping but I wonder if she feels you are doing your share. Working, taking care of the house, cooking, kids is alot and then women are supposed to be like newlyweds in bed at night?

Give your wife an ultimatum like one of the other replies suggested and she might comply but with time I can almost guarantee it will build up resentment in her that she feels she has to please your sexual desires and that you do not have to understand her or meet her needs.

Divorce her because she is not providing you enough sex and you will find yourself in the exact same situation a few years into your next marriage, and for the same reasons. But then you have step children and kids with half siblings to deal with, your wife hates you and their battles over visitation, you have to pay child support and you think that it is unfair and outrageous. Doesn't that sound ideal?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I have never seen a guy take such a beating on TAM for what he is facing here. Where are all the "don't through away any more or your life" or "divorce her and find someone that is more sexually compatible".


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Early Fall vacations. They didn't clear it through me so nobody noticed they would ALL be out at the same time.

Then again dude could have timed his problem not to coincide with their vacations. 

Take it up with my supervisor, Larry.


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