# Cynicism After Failed Marriage



## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

My wife and I have been together about 4 1/2 years and married just over 2 years. This is the second marriage for both of us, and we both have two children from our previous marriage.

We've always had a tumultuous relationship that I've discussed in previous posts from 2015 and 2016. Things got better in late 2016 and 2017 had a much more positive outlook. That is, until I lost my executive, high-paying job of 5 years in February of 2017 (company was sold, no fault of my own). Things began to go downhill fast after that.

After losing my job, my wife became very concerned for our financial future, understandably. We discussed many options and possibilities. I began looking for another position immediately, but we had 6-8 months of savings to sustain us and my wife also makes mid $100k at her job, so things weren't dire at that time.

I have owned my own successful business before, and I told my wife I had an interest in starting another business. She expressed her concern with this idea, basically telling me she didn't want to take the risk because she was used to a certain lifestyle and didn't want to lose it. In one of our conversations, she actually said to me, "I'm afraid of losing all this stuff." as she pointed around the room. Because of her apprehension, I decided not to pursue self-employment.

I continued looking for employment while doing consulting work so that I was bringing in some money. I was having trouble finding a job with comparable compensation to what I had been making before. In July, I was offered a job that really interested me, but the pay was about 50% of what I had been making, but had good potential if I could build the company. We weren't at the end of our rope financially, but we were seeing our savings dwindle, so after some discussion with my wife, I decided to accept the position and keep my eye open for other opportunities that paid more. I thought this would make my wife happy, and it did in the beginning. After taking the position, we were able to stop dipping into savings and we actually had a thousand dollars left over each month after paying bills.

However, she began making comments like, "Does it bother you that I make 3 times as much as you?" and that I might need to look into getting another job because I wasn't pulling my weight financially. I was confused at this because she and I had discussed these issues before I accepted the job and we were both fine with the income disparity.

Fast forward to October 2017. My wife told me she was no longer going to pay my bills (she was referring to my car payment, student loans, etc...) and that she was tired of supporting me and my kids and wasn't going to do it any longer. She said she was tired of being used for her paycheck and didn't want her money going to pay for my bills. I was hurt because I supported her and her kids when we were dating and helped her get back on her feet after her divorce and now that I was down, she wouldn't support me.

Long story short, she pulled all of the money out of our account (checking and savings), deposited it into her personal account, then began moving towards separation. She purchased a house in early December, and is moving out of our home December 30.

That's the backstory, but here's the real reason for the post.

I know this is a good thing, given what she and I have been through (see my earlier posts), so I'm not fighting the separation and divorce. I'm actually looking forward to it and positive about my life once this mess is done. My problem is, now I find myself extremely cynical about love and romance. I am not interested in a relationship anytime soon, but I don't know that I can ever be married again. I now have a complete lack of trust and don't think I can ever put my life and my decision-making ability in the hands of someone else. I also find myself thinking things like, "DON'T DO IT!" when I see happy couples on TV talking about getting married. In a nutshell, the whole idea of love, romance, and marriage seems like a sham. I've never been like this and don't want to be, but its where I am now after the person in my life that was supposed to pick me up when I am down decided to drop me when I needed her the most.

I'd love to hear your stories related to this. Anyone else have similar stories? Were you able to work through the negative feelings about love and marriage that came after your divorce? If so, how?


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## Chisox (Dec 24, 2017)

I dont know your religion or if your marriages are valid or not in the eyes of God but I can comment on a few things. Your wife going to leave you is very greedy. Since you were struggling she, and you fir that matter, should have downsized after loosing your job. Money isnt the root of happiness, its the root of all evil. Another thing is if you have young children the wife has a deep down inclination to be a stay at home mom. With her working all the time, that may have frustrated her. On your feelings on marriage... Remember it takes 3 for marriage...you, your spouse, and God.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Not really, it only takes two, you and your partner. That's it. Anything else is only mumble jumble.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you need to be far more careful who you marry in future. Married 2 years and already getting divorced. Maybe you jumped too soon into anther relationship? Did either of you leave you previous spouse for the other? How long did you both wait after your divorces before you met?

I could be very cynical. I had a dad who cheated, my grandparents on his side divorced, both of my brothers 2 wives cheated, my ex husband's grandparents, parents and sister all divorced, my husbands parents divorced, my husband's ex cheated on him and divorced him, but strangely enough we both very much wanted to marry again and we have been happily married for 12 years now. 
I do know a lot of really happy marriages, so that's encouraging, some of them very long ones as well. 

Its early days for you, but whatever do you do I recommend that you leave it for a few years before you even think of another relationship. Learn from the 2 terrible mistakes you have already made. Your children must be very messed up by now with both your marriages ending.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP, now you know that you married a woman that never truly loved you. She got into you, because of the fanancial benefits that she was getting from you frm the get go. Good ridance. Make sure your get your part of the assets during the marriage. Do not let her take you to the cleaners, just because she was lately pulling her way more.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My husband and I were both married once before.

We both said to ourselves after the first marriage "never again" (to getting married).

For him, it took 12 years of divorce/10 years with long term live-in gf who was not marriage material for him to decide he wanted to be married again.

For me, it took me a little over 2 years of healing to know I wanted to be married again. Then another 3x+ years of dating, including two serious relationships that just didn't work out.

Then my husband and I met each other and we are going to celebrate our 2nd anniversary in March.

I think that our experiences in the past taught us what we really wanted and what we absolutely would not tolerate.

Right now you may feel a certain way. But I'd recommend keeping a mind open to possibilities and miracles.


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## Chisox (Dec 24, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> Not really, it only takes two, you and your partner. That's it. Anything else is only mumble jumble.


Im giving the op the BEST advice to my knowledge. 2 athiests can have a good marriage if they selflessly love. Of course I would encourage all to come to know God and his Holy Catholic Church.


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## Chisox (Dec 24, 2017)

In general marriage isnt easy by no means. It takes alot of work, alot of sacrifice.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Being cynical comes from years of experience, not marital status.

Count your blessings and let the golddigger join the next rush West.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't consider myself a cynic, merely a realist. I married not one, but TWO alcoholics. They owned their addictions, but I owned my issues that made me gravitate towards addicts. Basically, I came to the conclusion that (1) marriage is NOT for everyone, (2) my man-picker was/is broken, and (3) I'm not a good candidate for marriage. I respect and believe in the institution of marriage. But I gotta tell ya, after reading so many horror stories on TAM over the years, I am glad I decided not to pursue another committed relationship after my husband died. Actually, both of them are dead, having succumbed to alcoholism in their mid-50's. 

I'd suggest you spend a good deal of time alone learning who you are and what you want. Bottom line: Figure out why you hooked up with a woman who sounds like a materialistic, vacuous gold digger. Like I said, marriage isn't for everyone. I, for one, am enjoying life just fine without a husband.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife was married to your lifestyle, not you. When better turned into worse, she was gone.

After one failed marriage, I know I would be extremely cautious about entering into a second one, so I think it's completely understandable that you would be cynical about ever trying a third marriage.

But the problem is not with marriage itself. After some time to recover yourself, maybe take a hindsight look at your relationship, and see if you missed some signs that she was more into your income than into you as an individual, and watch for those signs in any future relationship. It sounds like you met her not long after getting your executive job, so that's the only you she ever knew. You were not with her for any financial bad times before this one, and didn't know how she would react to it.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> I don't consider myself a cynic, merely a realist. I married not one, but TWO alcoholics. They owned their addictions, but I owned my issues that made me gravitate towards addicts. Basically, I came to the conclusion that (1) marriage is NOT for everyone, (2) my man-picker was/is broken, and (3) I'm not a good candidate for marriage. I respect and believe in the institution of marriage. But I gotta tell ya, after reading so many horror stories on TAM over the years, I am glad I decided not to pursue another committed relationship after my husband died. Actually, both of them are dead, having succumbed to alcoholism in their mid-50's.
> 
> I'd suggest you spend a good deal of time alone learning who you are and what you want. Bottom line: Figure out why you hooked up with a woman who sounds like a materialistic, vacuous gold digger. Like I said, marriage isn't for everyone. I, for one, am enjoying life just fine without a husband.


I have accepted that I have issues that cause me to pick wrong partners. Like you said, something is wrong with my woman-picker. I've also begun to accept that I just may not be marriage material. I am becoming more and more ok with this with each day.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You've been married twice. Why would you need to marry a third time? You can have just as meaningful a relationship without marriage. If that's what you want.

If I were in your shoes, I would spend the next few years truly learning to be happy by myself. Once you master that, your question will.answer itself.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I'm still married and I feel the same way OP. If we split, I would never get married again. I don't think I would ever get seriously involved with anyone else either. I too think to myself "don't do it!" When people talk about marriage. I'm of the same mind as Chris Rock. "Marriage is some boring a$$ chit." Sure we have great times together, but the day to day grind of married life is about the most boring thing I can think of.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

zookeeper said:


> You've been married twice. *Why would you need to marry a third time?* You can have just as meaningful a relationship without marriage. If that's what you want.


I don't need to or want to.



> If I were in your shoes, I would spend the next few years truly learning to be happy by myself. Once you master that, your question will.answer itself.


That's the plan.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For us its marriage or nothing. We didn't live together before we married. I love marriage its the best thing if you make sure you are with the right person. Its so good to have that special friend, companion and lover who you can share life with. 
Its a case of being very careful who you marry and being sure of what you want. I knew the sort of man I wanted second time round, in fact I made a long list of the qualities I wanted in a man and prayed about it. I knew that I wouldn't accept second best. 

It was 4 years after my first marriage ended before I felt anything like ready for another man, and I didn't meet my now husband for 6 years. Far too many jump too quickly into another relationship, and that's partly why so many second and subsequent marriages fail.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Never say never.

I know a fair bit of people who said never again and guess what their now married!

Lol 

But I see no need for marriage in todays society.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I’m a card-carrying member of “the failed marriage due to infidel wives club X 2!” The root cause was money: One wanted corporate job status and pay at the cost of laying a corporate VP to get it while the other already had millions and wanted to maintain it along with my own money and wanted me out of the way! To get me out of the way, she visited “the zippered ghosts of boyfriends past!”

If anybody ought to be cynical, then it certainly ought to be yours truly!

But I’m one of those guys who is in love with love! However, I do have the common sense and fortitude not to rush into a third relationship because I, too feel that no matter who I’d fall in love with, I’d probably be cheated on by them! I know that is fallacious reasoning on my part, but I do believe that I’m capable of loving again, but it’s probably going to have to be done outside of the confines of marriage!

I absolutely do not want to go through a third soul-shaking divorce! Two of those had been more than plenty, thank you!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think its wonderful that most people do marry again after a divorce. A good marriage is very special.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I think its wonderful that most people do marry again after a divorce.


So do divorce attorneys, given the extremely high failure rate of subsequent marriages.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

breathedeep said:


> My wife and I have been together about 4 1/2 years and married just over 2 years. This is the second marriage for both of us, and we both have two children from our previous marriage.
> 
> We've always had a tumultuous relationship that I've discussed in previous posts from 2015 and 2016. Things got better in late 2016 and 2017 had a much more positive outlook. That is, until I lost my executive, high-paying job of 5 years in February of 2017 (company was sold, no fault of my own). Things began to go downhill fast after that.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure that is cynicism or realism. 

I'm 53 and not sure I would ever remarry again if I get dumped. 

And I think not letting yourself be dependent on someone or completely supporting someone else and not relinguishing your decision making to someone else is just plain smart and practical. 

I won't support anyone ever again (my wife has always worked and worked hard. But she worked weekend package when the kids were little) . 

Y'know things change and we all have to be able to roll with the punches. 

Your wife was attracted to you and married you because you were a successful executive and had a good lifestyle. She dumped you when that status and lifestyle changed. That's on her. 

Now that you are seeking other avenues that will give you peace and happiness but will mean less income and status, someone else will be attracted to that. (and that person may lose attraction for you if you become a big shot executive again) 

I don't know if I consider that cynicism or a bad attitude or just simply seeing the world for what it is. 

You are the only one you have to wake up to and put up with all day. Other people come and go throughout our lives. That's not cynicism, that is simply fact.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Is marriage what seems bad idea or getting into a serious long term commitment? Because you don’t need marriage to get screwed with joint resources and being left alone.

IMO each relationship is different. There is no garantee that things can work but can that really stop our desire to go deeper in relationships?
Although what we can is to learn from experience and see if anything in ourselves can attract bad relationships or needs to work better.

Some people are just simply more materialistic and unable to honor the vows they made. I have much more earning power than my husband, who is currently unemployed and this is not really an issue. I do enjoy our lifestyle but what is my life without him? With whom would I share all the nice things? Not everyone feels that their partners are discardable. I prefer us poorer than me richer but without him to share with. Of course there are some struggles, but I prefer to think that our struggle is still not bad compared to the more unfortunate.
What I can have issue with is if a man is lazy and really doesn’t care about financial responsibility of having a home. But if a man is hard working and he is just going through a difficult phase, you have to be understanding and supportive. Same for women.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> So do divorce attorneys, given the extremely high failure rate of subsequent marriages.



There are a lot of happy second marriages around.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> There are a lot of happy second marriages around.


There are more unhappy second third marriages than happy ones. The statistics tell the story. 

Why sign on for something that has a greater chance of failure than success, to gain absolutely nothing other than perhaps approval of friends and relatives who think marriage is somehow better for a couple than simply being together?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

To YOU marriage may be nothing other than something to gain relatives and friends approval, but to some people marriage has great meaning.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> There are more unhappy second third marriages than happy ones. The statistics tell the story.
> 
> Why sign on for something that has a greater chance of failure than success, to gain absolutely nothing other than perhaps approval of friends and relatives who think marriage is somehow better for a couple than simply being together?


 For us it was nothing to do with the approval of friends and relatives. Most of my wider family think its ok to live together and some couldnt understand why we were getting married without living together first. We believe in marriage and making that complete commitment to each other. As I said I know quite a few long happy second marriages.
Marriage is far better than just living together.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You certainly don’t ever have to get married again if you prefer not to. Doesn’t mean you give up on women or releationships just means you date, and or cohabitate. Nice thing about life is you design it whatever you’re comfortable with and you’lol find plenty of women who want the same.

Marriage it a dangerous contract. You are banking a lot on another person and hoping they won’t change. Because if they do and decide to derail the marriage you are 100% powerless to stop any of it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Given the certain trajectory of this marriage, I would not go out of my way to secure any employment that even comes close to her level of pay. Wait for it to make it through the courts, and you may be able to get some alimony. Doubtful since you have only been married two years, but at the very least it would make it less likely for her to get any either.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'm still married and I feel the same way OP. If we split, I would never get married again. I don't think I would ever get seriously involved with anyone else either. I too think to myself "don't do it!" When people talk about marriage. I'm of the same mind as Chris Rock. "Marriage is some boring a$$ chit." Sure we have great times together, but the day to day grind of married life is about the most boring thing I can think of.


I feel the opposite, and my exwife burned me twice.

I love sharing my life in a committed marriage. There is nothing better. The day to day grind is so much less mundane when there is someone else to break up the monotony. Someone to not only share the burdens but share in the joys, pleasure, and excitement that comes with having a family and being a part of a community--being a part of something bigger than ones self.

The OP is projecting his own two bad experiences on marriage in general, and that is a mistake unless he himself is not willing to put in the necessary work required to nurture a healthy marriage. If he is willing though then the issue is finding a good lady with common interests, outlooks, and values. Be picky. Know who you are marrying. Give the dating process time to find the partner you know is a suitable match for the long haul.

But first things first, OP. You need a lot time to recover from the dissolution of your current marriage. Let yourself grieve the loss and recover. Remake yourself and heal. After a year or two has passed and you've let go of your baggage through a proper grieving process, you may find yourself ready to love again. I am sorry for your pain, and I wish you the best.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

breathedeep said:


> My wife and I have been together about 4 1/2 years and *married just over 2 years*. This is the second marriage for both of us, and we both have two children from our previous marriage.
> 
> *We've always had a tumultuous relationship that I've discussed in previous posts from 2015 and 2016.* Things got better in late 2016 and 2017 had a much more positive outlook. That is, until I lost my executive, high-paying job of 5 years in February of 2017 (company was sold, no fault of my own). Things began to go downhill fast after that.



No matter what you do, OP, for pity's sake, figure out what it is about you that's willing to marry someone you've already got a tumultuous relationship with. I mean, it was bad enough that you were posting about it over the course of two years. And, yet, you got married anyway. What is it inside you that thought this would be a good idea? Are you afraid of being along? Drawn to drama? So attracted to the sex/hotness that you're willing to tolerate a high degree of strife? Why marry when the relationship already had a proven track record of being rocky? Did you think the ceremony would magically fix all the issues, or that she would change if she really loved you? Marriage doesn't work that way. 

I would recommend that you spend the next few years alone, learning how to be happy as a single person. And get healthy enough to recognize your own issues. Learn what a healthy relationship looks like, and what it does not. Know how to tell the difference and extricate yourself with minimal pain if it's just not working out. Once you're really emotionally healthy, you will be in shape to attract another emotionally healthy person as a partner. So, if you find someone who is emotionally healthy and find that person complements your already awesome life, you'll be in the position for a healthy relationship if you want one. And, if you don't find someone who fits the bill, or decide you don't want to share your awesome life with anyone else, you'll be in the position to be happily single. But you won't make the mistake, again, of partnering up with someone who brings drama and strife into your life.


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