# Husband wants to visit ex-girlfriend's parents with her and son



## MDC2007

I wanted to get some insight on this situation since it is one I have never had any experience with before. 

My husband and I live in Norway. He has a 5 year old son who lives with his ex-girlfriend in England. From the beginning of our relationship, my husband has been very open about his relationship with her, that they are still friends and try to get along as best they can for the sake of their son. I have never been with anyone who has a child from a previous relationship, so this has been a new experience for me. I know his son comes first, and I need to be respectful of the relationship he has with his son's mother. I have asked though, that him and her not talk about personal matters regarding me or our marriage.

Well last night, he told me that she has invited him to join her and their son for a trip to Poland in a few months to see her parents. She told him that her parents would really love to see him (my husband). He told me he would really like to go as it's one of his favorite places. I'm not invited, however, because I'm currently awaiting on getting residency and I can't leave the country until my application has been approved. If, by some miracle my application does go through before this trip, he still doesn't think it'd be a good idea for me to go as they all speak in Polish (her parents hardly speak English) and he thinks it would be an uncomfortable situation for me. Honestly, I don't want him to go. I'm not comfortable with him spending a little vacation with her. But of course I know that's selfish because he wants to see and spend time with his son and I don't want to get in the way of that. He's going for his son, not her and I know that. 

This is just a difficult situation to be in. Am I wrong for feeling this way and not wanting him to go? Is it normal to have these feelings?


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## ariel_angel77

No, it's not selfish. He is a married man, he does NOT need to be going on a vacation with ANOTHER WOMAN (regardless of if the son is there) without you. He is married and the rules apply. And actually, you're supposed to come first, but not interfere with his relationship with the son. You're allowed to be there anytime he sees his son. He should never be around her without you there. He is the one who decided to live countries away from his son.

Do NOT let him go on this trip. That is of the most inappropriate things he could possibly do while married to you other than cheat. I mean really, anytime my divorced parents went on a trip together with me alone, it meant they were trying to work things out (when they were both SINGLE). Sounds like that's what your husband is trying to do behind your back. It especially makes me think this because he is so adamant about you not going. If he wasn't trying to hide anything from you/get back with her, he would gladly want you there and translate for you. The language thing is an excuse.


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## EleGirl

Your husband's relationship with his ex should be limited to contact related to their son.

Does his son visit you where you live? 

If he were my husband I would tell him that if he went on this vacation with his ex he should not come home to me. And I'd file for divorce while he's gone. Why because I would consider it open faced cheating on me. It does not matter if they have sex or not. What matters is that he's putting her ahead of me and that he put himself in the position in which he had the opportunity to have a sexual relationship with her.

Keep in mind that I have little doubt that her motive is to break up your marriage. She knows exactly what she's doing. Either your husband is not very bright and thinks she's acting innocently or he's already in an affair with her. They have been carrying on an EA right under your nose for a while and you have been allowing it to go on. So now them going on a vacation/date is the next step.

If you agree with him going, you are sanctioning his affair. 


.


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## mablenc

Um no way you should let him go, and his excuses are lousy," you don't speak Polish" hello? Just like the thousands of tourist that visit Poland each year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

I wouldn't go along with this. He's a married man, and his ex can go by herself with their son to see her parents. I'd be tempted to tell him if he goes not to bother coming back, but that's me. It's troubling he doesn't see that this is a problem and highly inappropriate; it makes me question his boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

Very inappropriate boundaries by your husband and the mother of his child. All go to Poland and play happy family together? Hardly.


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## NextTimeAround

EleGirl said:


> Your husband's relationship with his ex should be limited to contact related to their son.
> 
> Does his son visit you where you live?
> 
> If he were my husband I would tell him that if he went on this vacation with his ex he should not come home to me. And I'd file for divorce while he's gone. Why because I would consider it open faced cheating on me. It does not matter if they have sex or not. What matters is that he's putting her ahead of me and that he put himself in the position in which he had the opportunity to have a sexual relationship with her.
> 
> Keep in mind that I have little doubt that her motive is to break up your marriage. She knows exactly what she's doing. Either your husband is not very bright and thinks she's acting innocently or he's already in an affair with her. *They have been carrying on an EA right under your nose for a while and you have been allowing it to go on.* So now them going on a vacation/date is the next step.
> 
> If you agree with him going, you are sanctioning his affair.
> 
> 
> .


That sounds a bit harsh. May be we need more information before making that accusation.


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## daffodilly

NextTimeAround said:


> That sounds a bit harsh. May be we need more information before making that accusation.


It might be a bit harsh and presumptuous but I agree with everything else Elegirl said. This is wildly inappropriate, the child's mother knows it's inappropriate and I do not think it's harsh to issue an ultimatum that if he goes on this trip not to expect to come back to a marriage.


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## daffodilly

I take back what I said, having looked at your other thread. I think Elegirl is right on the money on a blatant EA going on, at least.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...woes-really-supposed-difficult-beginning.html


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## mablenc

Let's guess he's footing all the costs for his ex too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew

The ex' parents think they are married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

im_tam said:


> The ex' parents think they are married?


Where do you get that from?


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## imtamnew

EleGirl said:


> Where do you get that from?



My over active imagination that her religious parents think that she is still married and that the child was not born out of wedlock.

The exGF and the Husband play along with this lie.

_Please note this is purely my speculation._


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## MDC2007

Lol, okay, okay. None of that is true. Her parents aren't religious and don't think they are married. And they know they have never been married. My husband would fly straight to Poland from Norway and meet them for a few days and then come straight back. She, of course, would be traveling from England and would be staying for several weeks.


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## MDC2007

To answer previous questions, his son does not visit us. He is too young to travel alone and his mom hasn't been able to afford a trip over to us. I haven't actually even met his son yet... I was supposed to travel with my husband to England next week to pick up his son and visit my in laws, but I found out last week I can't leave the country.

As far as costs go, my husband does pay child support every month, but nothing more. If he were to go to Poland, he would only be paying for his own way, not hers or the child.


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## MDC2007

She had asked him to help buy a cheap car for her a few months ago to which he agreed, but then he found out her boyfriend is staying with her and decided she probably didn't need that much help after all.


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## PBear

I'm curious... Is her boyfriend going on this trip as well?

C


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## HuggyBear

Personally, I wouldn't worry about it much. You have to figure that since he's still on friendly terms with his ex, her parents probably still like and respect him for that, let alone that he also speaks Polish.

I figure you already know how to speak and read Norwegian, so I'd recommend you read more about (or talk to someone) about waiting for your residency permit. The police might have your passport, but I'd be willing to wager that you can certainly leave the country while the application is being processed, common human rights and all... unless you are stateless, a refugee, or on asylum.


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## Wiltshireman

Step families and blended families can be a minefield even if everybody involved is behaving reasonably. With a family that is split across different countries and speaking different languages the obstacles must be bigger. 

With the needs and feelings of so many people often at odds with each other the potential for conflict is obvious for all to see.

In this situation the OP's inability to travel does complicate the situation even more but even if she could go how would she feel as the only new comer in the group and isolated by the inability to speak the local language (more of a problem if you are staying with locals than if you are just a holiday maker).

Given that the OP's husband will only be joining the rest of the family for a few days I do not see that this needs to be an issue (unless there is reason not to trust him).

Going forward I would advice the OP to encourage her husband to have his child come and visit / stay with you (even if you have to pay for the mother to come as well given that the child is too young to travel alone) or once the OP's documentation allowing her to travel is sorted it might be easier for them to go to England and visit them.

To make this relationship work will take honesty, understanding and a willingness to compromise from ALL involved.


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## happy as a clam

Wow.... Just wow is all I can say.

I can't even believe your husband would want to do this. But then after reading your other thread, I guess I CAN believe it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Ok, so you married too soon, you don't really know each other, he wanted someone 'fun' and he (IMO) ditches or ignores or fights with women when they stop being fun (by having a kid or by nagging) - all pretty typical for a 25 year old male.

I see two things to address. First, if you want this marriage to work you NEED to start understanding how to make marriages work. Get His Needs Her Needs and start reading it asap. Second, you need to stop being so needy. It's not attractive; it's not the end of the world if you two end up divorced. I don't want that to happen, but you need to act from a place of being ok if it does happen. Why? Because then you will be able to make your decisions based on what's right and wrong, not on what keeps control over your husband. 

To that end, I would say that first, work on improving your marriage. Make it a great place for him to be, so he WANTS to make you happy. Doesn't mean kissing his ass; just knowing what makes him happy and doing it and knowing what makes him UNhappy and avoiding that. Second, respect yourself more; if him going on that trip makes you uneasy, it makes you uneasy (with good reason, IMO), and you should SAY SO and say that you will consider it a strike against your marriage if he chooses to go. Let him deal with what he's willing to give up - the trip or you. 

But recognize that this goes hand in hand with you making the marriage better. At the state you're in, with arguing all the time and all, he'll probably choose the trip.


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## JEMS_01234

I think he should wait until you can go with him. 

It doesn't sound like he puts his child first, since he got married and his son has never met you. Perhaps he uses that as an excuse to get whatever it is he really wants, or because it sounds like the 'nice' or 'right' thing to say.

You are a married couple. You go together or stay together.


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