# There is nothing left to save



## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Well I have been on this site before but quite a long time ago. At that time I was having problems with my husband who preferred to be in the pub and with friends. Alot has changed and not for the better. Before he was going out and would tell me where he was going and there was still some hope on my side and alot of forgiving for the late nights and constant need that he had to go out, I used to put it down to the fact that he deals with alot of fustration and verbal abuse from his boss and he needed time to unwind. Of course he would come home intoxicated and I would shout and be upset sometimes crying because of how often he would neglect me to go out and be with other people and hurt me in the process by not caring about me. At that time I still had two daughters in high school and was scared that if I left how would I cope financially, I was also dealing with a 15 year old who resented me for the life that we were living and I knew moving out meant financial hardship as well which would make her resent me even more. Also I always accepted his apologies and believed he was sorry. Well after about 10 years of dealing with this I am now at a point where I haven't shed a tear in about a year over him, in fact I have no desire to try and save what he doesn't want to save. His behavious has become even worse, he is now totally indifferent to my feelings and doesn't even bother telling me that he is going out or phone to say when he will be home. He has no remorse and thinks nothing of lying about where he is going, it comes so easily now to him that he will easily say he is going to the shop to buy bread and milk and then dissapear for the next 8 -10 hours, only walking in at 2 o'clock in the morning intoxicated and then of course picks an argument because I don't want him to sleep next to me or I haven't cooked for him ( why should I cook for a man who cares nothing for me). He has no respect for me in that he really doesn't care how he treats me, when he talks to me he sounds like he can't stand having any communication with me, his voice is hard, his sentances abrupt or he says only what he needs to say, no real talking about anything. He spends as little time as possible in my company. He insists that he is like this because I have told him I am leaving but he was uninterested in me before and didn't care if his behaviour hurt me and I have only got to this point because I am tired of being treated like I just don't matter, like I am so unimportant, not worth spending time with or being around. I have told him he has to move out and his response has been that he doesn't have the money for a deposit, we do have financial problems because he wastes money at the pub. I have made up my mnd if he doesn't move I will in the coming month. I have realised that he really only cares about his own enjoyment and satisfaction in life, he can't have the perks of being married and carry on like a single guy.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Ardehl,

Sorry things have worsened. I am guessing from the way you use the word "pub", that you are in UK ( I apologize if i am wrong), but i would see a solicitor or whatever you call an attorney wherever you are BEFORE moving out.

You husband is not behaving like a married man and does not deserve the perks of being a married man. That includes not cooking for him, and you should have cut him off sexually by now because it seems obvious he is getting it somewhere else. And he is trying to blame it on you.

Sounds like you are making the right choice. Just make sure if you move out that you do not do anything that legally can cost you financially.

Hope it gets better for you.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi 
Thanks for your response and advise I will definitely get some advice, we are in South Africa. There is nothing sexually and hasn't been for about a month now since I have come to the decision that I am not prepared to let him have the best of both worlds. It hasn't been that hard to come to this decision because anything I did feel is gone and of course the fact that he is hardley at home. He doesn't seem to be even bothering to look for a place and I've said to him if money is a problem then he should go live with his friends seen that is where he would rather be. I have also realized that I always worried that he would go out and drink more if we split up, but I realzie either way he is going to drink and he will do what he wants to even if I am around (his behaviour proves that) I can't worry the whole time whether he will get worse,he needs to take responsibility for his own problems and actions.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ardehl said:


> Well I have been on this site before but quite a long time ago. At that time I was having problems with my husband who preferred to be in the pub and with friends. Alot has changed and not for the better. Before he was going out and would tell me where he was going and there was still some hope on my side and alot of forgiving for the late nights and constant need that he had to go out, I used to put it down to the fact that he deals with alot of fustration and verbal abuse from his boss and he needed time to unwind. Of course he would come home intoxicated and I would shout and be upset sometimes crying because of how often he would neglect me to go out and be with other people and hurt me in the process by not caring about me. At that time I still had two daughters in high school and was scared that if I left how would I cope financially, I was also dealing with a 15 year old who resented me for the life that we were living and I knew moving out meant financial hardship as well which would make her resent me even more. Also I always accepted his apologies and believed he was sorry. Well after about 10 years of dealing with this I am now at a point where I haven't shed a tear in about a year over him, in fact I have no desire to try and save what he doesn't want to save. His behavious has become even worse, he is now totally indifferent to my feelings and doesn't even bother telling me that he is going out or phone to say when he will be home. He has no remorse and thinks nothing of lying about where he is going, it comes so easily now to him that he will easily say he is going to the shop to buy bread and milk and then dissapear for the next 8 -10 hours, only walking in at 2 o'clock in the morning intoxicated and then of course picks an argument because I don't want him to sleep next to me or I haven't cooked for him ( why should I cook for a man who cares nothing for me). He has no respect for me in that he really doesn't care how he treats me, when he talks to me he sounds like he can't stand having any communication with me, his voice is hard, his sentances abrupt or he says only what he needs to say, no real talking about anything. He spends as little time as possible in my company. He insists that he is like this because I have told him I am leaving but he was uninterested in me before and didn't care if his behaviour hurt me and I have only got to this point because I am tired of being treated like I just don't matter, like I am so unimportant, not worth spending time with or being around. I have told him he has to move out and his response has been that he doesn't have the money for a deposit, we do have financial problems because he wastes money at the pub. I have made up my mnd if he doesn't move I will in the coming month. I have realised that he really only cares about his own enjoyment and satisfaction in life, he can't have the perks of being married and carry on like a single guy.


Sounds like you are married to a still functioning alcoholic, all the signs are there. Everyone and everything in their life is secondary to the bottle. Please contact either Al-anon or Bottled Up (UK) for the support you need. YOu and your kids have suffered as a result of his disease. You are also probably co-dependent. The more your learn and read about alcoholism the faster you will be able to help yourself and your children. Do not delay


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

I read a little about co dependancy and can see the similarities of myself and my girls. Will definitely look more into it.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi all

This week has been quite a rollercoaster, we had a terrible evening on Tuesday with him coming home at 1h30 in the morning drunk and of course as usual he can't leave me to sleep but has to make a noise and wake me up so that he can have his say. I have been sleeping with my 18 year old in her room and I get woken up to be told I have my wish he may have a room to move into. Of course I was pretty mad at being woken up and got up to see what he was on about and to give him a piece of my mind for waking me and also to avoid him disturbing her. In his drunk state he was saying some nasty and degrading things to me which my daughter overheard and came through to the kitchen telling him to leave me alone, he responded with swearing her and calling her names. Twice during the heated shouting I jumped in front of her and pushed him backwards when he came at her, basically trying to intimidate and threaten her. The next morning he apparently can't remember the terrible things he said to her and I. 

Now he tells me when he moves out he wants to still see me, I feel as if he would just be using me and that I will just be there for his convenience and never be able to move on if I allow this. Once before when I told him he had to make a choice between the marriage and the pub he refused to stop going to the pub because he enjoys playing snooker. I don't think he is at all interested in being a husband. There have been a lot of opportunities for him to spend time with me and do things with me but I am alone most weekends while he is out enjoying himself. Someone once said to me why don't I go with him, which I have done on some occasions but I don't like the person he becomes when he drinks. Also if I do go out with him and we meet up with some friends I always make sure we leave before he can drink too much but then he will drop me at home and leave straight away to go out again and meet up with friends. It really makes me feel as if he just doesn't like spending time in my company. I feel as if he is just trying to pacify me by taking me out for about two or three hours but then he has done his bit and now wants to go do his thing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ardehl said:


> Hi
> Thanks for your response and advise I will definitely get some advice, we are in South Africa. There is nothing sexually and hasn't been for about a month now since I have come to the decision that I am not prepared to let him have the best of both worlds. It hasn't been that hard to come to this decision because anything I did feel is gone and of course the fact that he is hardley at home. He doesn't seem to be even bothering to look for a place and I've said to him if money is a problem then he should go live with his friends seen that is where he would rather be. I have also realized that I always worried that he would go out and drink more if we split up, but I realzie either way he is going to drink and he will do what he wants to even if I am around (his behaviour proves that) I can't worry the whole time whether he will get worse,he needs to take responsibility for his own problems and actions.


This is so sad. Sorry for your circumstances.

You have lost him to CH3CH2OH, better known as Ethanol, or Alcohol.

One of the scourges of mankind. Addiction sneaks up on the user, and once it gets its claws in you, it will not let go. 

All of his bad behavior can be attributed to his addiction.

To save him, he needs to go through Detox and Alcoholic Anonymous, or the equivalent in South Africa.

It is probably too late. He will not go, if he did and he cleaned up.....the damage done TO YOU and your children is severe. It is too little, too late.

Get a divorce from this Sotten Camel Spider......or Solpugids, Rumpelstiltskin's alter name.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ardehl said:


> Hi all
> 
> This week has been quite a rollercoaster, we had a terrible evening on Tuesday with him coming home at 1h30 in the morning drunk and of course as usual he can't leave me to sleep but has to make a noise and wake me up so that he can have his say. I have been sleeping with my 18 year old in her room and I get woken up to be told I have my wish he may have a room to move into. Of course I was pretty mad at being woken up and got up to see what he was on about and to give him a piece of my mind for waking me and also to avoid him disturbing her. In his drunk state he was saying some nasty and degrading things to me which my daughter overheard and came through to the kitchen telling him to leave me alone, he responded with swearing her and calling her names. Twice during the heated shouting I jumped in front of her and pushed him backwards when he came at her, basically trying to intimidate and threaten her. The next morning he apparently can't remember the terrible things he said to her and I.
> 
> Now he tells me when he moves out he wants to still see me, I feel as if he would just be using me and that I will just be there for his convenience and never be able to move on if I allow this. Once before when I told him he had to make a choice between the marriage and the pub he refused to stop going to the pub because he enjoys playing snooker. I don't think he is at all interested in being a husband. There have been a lot of opportunities for him to spend time with me and do things with me but I am alone most weekends while he is out enjoying himself. Someone once said to me why don't I go with him, which I have done on some occasions but I don't like the person he becomes when he drinks. Also if I do go out with him and we meet up with some friends I always make sure we leave before he can drink too much but then he will drop me at home and leave straight away to go out again and meet up with friends. It really makes me feel as if he just doesn't like spending time in my company. I feel as if he is just trying to pacify me by taking me out for about two or three hours but then he has done his bit and now wants to go do his thing.


This is the dynamic in an alocholic's household, been in this place. Do you realise your H is an alcoholic? An alcoholic can still be high functioning. Please look up 'functioning alcoholic.' 

1. Never argue with an alcoholic when he is drunk, there is no point and if he is the aggressive kind, it can escalate quickly. Ignore him and let him go to sleep

2. When he is sober, tell him what has happened. He may not believe you, they rarely do and don't take responsibility for their actions. Next time record/video him on your phone (I did that) and then show him the evidence. He will be ashamed and may get better for a while

3. Change your sleeping arrangements, if he is drunk, coming home at all hours, he must sleep downstairs.

4. Many functioning alcoholics will not stop till they hit rock bottom and lose everything in the process. You should ask him to leave and say no contact unless he is in a Recovery program such as AA for at least a month. He has to make the choice.

5. YOu have to join Al-Anon in your neighbourhood, what you are going through will make much more sense. YOur kids can join Alateen. The damage an alcoholic does to a family is severe, do not underestimate it. You need help, you cannot help yourself. I did that for years, trying to muddle through, keep the ship afloat, keep normality, etc. It destroys you, get help.

6 Your H is in no position to choose between the family and alcohol, alcohol will be his first love till he gets help. You can beg, plead, fight, cry, all will be no use, so stop wasting your energy. 

7. Start reading and listening to Al-Anon podcasts here 
First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery

Read the Bottled Up website and their useful videos. One was a former alcoholic

Bottled Up: help and support for families of alcoholics

Once you understand what is happening in your life, you will be more empowered to take control of your life. Living with an alcoholic is a roller coaster ride and you have to be able to manage yourself and your kids. You have to detach with love and stop enabling him.
You cannot get an alcoholic to change their behaviour unless they acknowledge they have a problem and seek help.

This is the first thing I read about addiction a few years ago and it was an 'ephiphany' and helped me turn my own life and family life around. I stopped the struggle and let go because I understood what was happening. Previous years I had yelled and shouted, threatened, etc all to no avail. The final straw was due to a late drinking session and I asked him to leave home. We seperated, I would have been fine to move on (because I had laid the groundwork with Al anon, counselling, etc). My H is now in recovery and hasn't drank in 8 months. He knows that that path is a deal breaker for me. I will never live my life like that again.

PLEASE GO TO AL ANON AND EDUCATE YOURSELF

_ I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you. 

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you. 

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. 

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again. 

*Stop being surprised. *

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do. _


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ardehl said:


> Now he tells me when he moves out he wants to still see me, I feel as if he would just be using me and that I will just be there for his convenience and never be able to move on if I allow this.


Oh hell no. Once he leaves, cut him off. He is only seeking to continue to use you. Don't spend any more time or effort on someone who completely disrespects you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, this guy is not husband material. It's a shame you've wasted so many years on him that you could have been happy.
You are doing the right thing. This guy won't change, because he doesn't WANT to change. The alcohol will kill him eventually.
It's already killed your feelings.
Divorce him.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

ardehl said:


> I was also dealing with a 15 year old who resented me for the life that we were living


What kind of life were you living that caused such resentment?



ardehl said:


> He insists that he is like this because I have told him I am leaving.


Why would you tell him you're leaving? I mean, all he does is lie, disrespect and ignore you.

He deserves no explanation, if you want to leave, then leave. TELLING him you're leaving is like telegraphing a punch, it's not going to make things better.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi

It's difficult to give a short answer because there are so many factors involved as to why she would feel resentment towards me.

When I refer to my 15 year old resenting me for the life we were living I am referring to the fact that it wasn't a proper family life in the sense that she has had to put up with him coming home drunk and alot of broken promises and basically just not having a father that she could count on.

It's not that we were living a life where we didn't have a roof over our heads or food on the table, I think to her the life we were living was an emotional rollercoaster with alot of hurts and as a mother I should have given her a home where she felt secure and loved. We are close in the sense that I do have alot of alone time with her where we will just sit and have heart to heart talks about the things that are hurting her and she has often confided in me things that she would not speak to her father or stepfather about. She has told me for a long time she was angry at me and resented me for staying in the marriage. 


I think alot of her anger towards her real father who never stepped in and did anything to take her out of the situation even when she asked to go live with him was directed towards me (we got divorced when she was a baby, he was pursuing relationships with younger women, I won't go into too much detail as there is too much to tell and it would be a whole new chapter). I will say in his defence that he had mental health issues and was undergoing shock treatment to his brain to try and balance the chemical inbalance that he suffers from. He was diagnosed with schitzophrenia. He would not have been able to cope with having a teenager living with him. 

My AH has taken his stuff and moved out. It's confusing because I do feel hurt that he has not tried to save the marriage and made a choice to rather leave than make any effort to change his ways. Over the years he has rather chosen to be out with his friends at the pub leaving me to spend many Friday and Saturday nights alone, I have realised that I am not the most important person to him and really last on his list if at all. It doesn't make it easier.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ardehl said:


> Hi
> 
> It's difficult to give a short answer because there are so many factors involved as to why she would feel resentment towards me.
> 
> ...


Don't feel bad about being low on his priority list. Alcoholism is a disease. An alcoholic is incapable of having any priorities unless thinking about the next drink. Be glad he moved out. YOu will get into a routine and after living on a rollercoaster for so long, it will become a welcome relief. Do not let him back into your lives unless he is working a program. You might not feel it now, but you have made a lucky escape from a life of misery.


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## Rockclimber (Nov 1, 2016)

If he really loves you and his family he will quit drinking alcohol. Maybe then he will remind you of the person you fell in love with. If he cannot quit you will have to make a hard choice but it sounds like you have already made that choice. My entire family is alcoholic and it has destroyed my family recently so I have decided to never drink again, the cycle must stop somewhere, it will stop with me. While I was only a 5/10 (In my mind at least) I was able to quit cold turkey and within a few days I realized that I was like the walking dead with my family while I was drunk. Never again, your husband must do the same for his family. Unfortunately based on my experience the alcohol wins most of the time. I wish I could give you better advice but All I have to say is it is either you or the drugs, he will have to decide.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rockclimber said:


> If he really loves you and his family he will quit drinking alcohol. Maybe then he will remind you of the person you fell in love with. If he cannot quit you will have to make a hard choice but it sounds like you have already made that choice. My entire family is alcoholic and it has destroyed my family recently so I have decided to never drink again, the cycle must stop somewhere, it will stop with me. While I was only a 5/10 (In my mind at least) I was able to quit cold turkey and within a few days I realized that I was like the walking dead with my family while I was drunk. Never again, your husband must do the same for his family. Unfortunately based on my experience the alcohol wins most of the time. I wish I could give you better advice but All I have to say is it is either you or the drugs, he will have to decide.


RC, I think some people have addictive personalities and once hooked it is difficult to give up the drug of choice. I think her AH is much further gone than you were.


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## ardehl (Apr 13, 2013)

Thank you all for your most valuable input it is so helpful and means so much to me. He has moved out and it has been so much more peaceful at home. I can't begin to tell you what a difference it is not to have to worry about him walking in drunk. The anxiety is gone, I realize it is early days but just taking that step has made me realize that there is no way that I want to go back to that situation, being lied to, treated like I don't matter anymore or verbally abused over and over again. We have spoken since then and he has told me that he has realized that he has treated me very badly and that he has lost the plot badly by neglecting me and putting his friends first and not spending any time with me and that he has to sort himself out. 

Yet he hasn't committed to stopping drinking and hasn't acknowledged that he has a drinking problem so he hasn't truly seen the problem for what it is. He still doesn't acknowledge that he is an alcoholic and until he acknowledges that and gets help we will never be able to move forward in our marriage. I am sorry to say but he is too far gone. Even though his confession has some truth to it he cannot see that his real problem is his alcohol addiction which is the root of everything.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm so glad to read that you are finding some peace! 

Don't even focus on or worry about what he is doing at this point. Just detach and let him go do whatever it is he does. Keep moving forward and get filed for divorce as soon as you can. He is no longer your problem.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm kinda having the same sort of problems, there's nothing left to save in my marriage either yet I can't get divorced because it would mean I would have to give up everything I've worked for to her and there's no way I'm going to let her to that to me. That really leaves me with no choice but to stay with her. Finances are the only reason I haven't filed.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I'm kinda having the same sort of problems, there's nothing left to save in my marriage either yet I can't get divorced because it would mean I would have to give up everything I've worked for to her and there's no way I'm going to let her to that to me. That really leaves me with no choice but to stay with her. Finances are the only reason I haven't filed.


She doesn't get everything. She gets about half. Unless you're in an equitable distribution state where the proceeds may not be split exactly in half due to various factors. But either way she's not getting everything you've worked for. 

It's going to be a hit, especially if you have to pay support, but it's not forever.

Hopefully you'll meet someone with money someday like I did and it sort of helps to make up for what you lost.


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