# "it's the thought that counts"... I don't buy it anymore



## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

I've been with my husband for just over 10 years now, married 3.

He's always been "the absent-minded professor". He's very smart, in an engineering sort of way, but anything else in his life... is totally forgotten.

In the beginning, it was cute...but I'm starting to resent the things he does. I don't know if it's getting worse, or I'm just not letting it roll off my back like I used to.

He is constantly messing up errands, gets lost and can't find his way home for hours (no kidding), forgets everything I tell him and then gets mad at ME when he screws up.

A few examples...

1. He got me a cactus for Valentine's day the first year we lived together. "it has a purple flower, and I know you like purple!". I said over and over that I wanted roses. We didn't do Valentine's after that because he was too stressed about "disappointing me" again.
2. He unknowingly threw out 3 bags of expensive throw pillows during one of our moves, even after I told them what they are, where they are and "please don't touch them".
3. When he proposed, the ring was like... 3 or 4 sizes too small. We'd been together 6 years at this point and I had dozens of rings for him to reference. This ring was the cheapest ring he could find, too. Cheaper than any gadget he has purchased for himself. I ended up getting another ring and he never forgave me for that. He thought I was being petty and materialistic, so I agreed with him and never brought it up again.
4. Our dog was bit by a black widow and her lip swelled up to the size of an orange. He didn't think anything was wrong with her. I came home from an outing and had to rush her to emergency. They kept her overnight because they were worried about her breathing. He claims he didn't even notice there was anything at all wrong with her.
5. He brought me lunch at work, but I was too busy to eat it... he ate his and then stuffed his trash in the bag and threw out my food with it. He's done this more than once. ("I thought I was helping by cleaning things up for you! I guess I just screwed up again, I can't do anything right!").
6. Last night I had a stomach ache. He volunteered to run to the store and grab me some medicine. I gave him the exact specifics of what I wanted and I told him what I did NOT want. He brought the thing I did NOT want then got mad at ME for being "too picky". Things were too stressful to send him out again.
7. Tonight, we got 2 burritos. Chicken and beef. I do not eat beef. I was futzing with the TV, trying to find something to watch and he scarfed down the chicken burrito. When I asked him "didn't you KNOW you were eating chicken?!?" he said "My brain doesn't work like that!" and then proceeded to eat the beef burrito, too and then is mad at ME for getting upset (again, I am too picky).
8. He "forgets" to shower for days at a time. I wash the sheets excessively to help make up for this... this problem is ALWAYS on my radar and it makes my skin crawl. Then, when I don't want to be affectionate, he tells me I'm cold and distant.

He never forgets anything that is important to him, though. 

There are 100's of other examples, but I didn't want to get into them all.

He is my best friend. I used to think his intellect, sense of humor and laid back attitude were his best traits... but now I'm thinking I read those traits wrong and idealized him  I've been picking up the slack for a decade and it's getting reallllly old. He claims that I am difficult, demanding, controlling and unpredictable so he's given up on doing anything for me because "he can never do anything right". Up until a few months ago, I totally thought I was a horrible shrew... but the more and more I think about it, the more I think I have been MORE than fair and patient this entire time. Deep down, I just feel like he doesn't respect me. When I ask him why he never does anything around the house he told me "because I know you'll do it".

Do you think he's just lazy, there is something wrong with him or that I am indeed, too controlling and demanding?

I had a dream that he accidentally drowned our son because he wasn't paying attention to the kid while he was in the bathtub. This dream really really bothered me. We don't have kids, but I may want one or two... but the more I think about it, the more I not want to have kids with my current husband. Not only because he never helps me out, but because I don't want to be tied to this DNA for the rest of my life  (Wow, that sounds awful).

I know I need to do something... I'm losing my mind and I'm constantly angry. I think the resentment on both sides is too strong to try and salvage this. I'm pretty sure there is depression, OCD, ADD and maybe a tiny bit of autism in this equation, too.

Has anyone else been through this or something similar? (And thanks for letting me vent).


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Some of the things he does sounds a little like my (now adult) nephew who has Aspergers Syndrome (which falls in the Autism Spectrum). 

My nephew is only mildly affected by the disorder but it was enough to make his life pretty awful until he was diagnosed at 16 - his parent's thought he was just lazy, forgetful and thoughtless a lot of the time.

Since we became aware of his disorder and I've learned more about it and I honestly think there are a lot of people walking around with mild forms of AS that have never been diagnosed.

So maybe you and he could look in to him getting tested for it? If it turns out that's what the problem is then at least he/you have somewhere to start getting help.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

I can commiserate to some degree. The men in my life have all turned out to be very bright, somewhat eccentric and in engineering related. I laugh because one wasn't when I was with him but then went and got an engineering degree! 

I was tricked? LOL

Some of what you say escapes me the showering part for instance. However the absent mind, not getting things which seem so obvious....I do believe some smart folks are not in touch with some social expectations, they see things so literally and don't pick up on basic relationship cues.

Some of this is probably just finally grating on your nerves. They do bring some amazing things to the table, my hubby can fix things in an amazing way. But he can't buy me gifts because it (seriously) stresses him out so terribly. 

But what he can do is plan TRIPS for us, those are my gifts, the things that tell me he thinks of me and cares. Honestly, I find them far more satisfying. So that's how we've worked that part of the puzzle out. 

I have set limits, and expectations. If I want something, I take care of it myself. Dealing with pets etc - MY TERRAIN. 

On the other hand, I think they play it up when convenient, they are smart and constantly forgetting basics doesn't cut it. 

I would take a breather and decide what you want to get a result on. Speak their language, and if that doesn't work, figure out how to get what you need on your own.

He didn't bring you a chicken option? Fine. Order a pizza that suits you. It will cost money, take time, he'll likely get annoyed but you eat what works. I bet the next time he will remember you only eat chicken. LOL

I don't know about the OCD component but I do see some indications with the men I have spent time with in the past. Their brains do seem to work a tad differently. They would rule the universe if it wasn't for their social shortcomings!

Maybe that's what we're here for?! LOL

I'm not sure I can help but you're not alone for what that is worth.

Cheers, Leah


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H is exactly the same!! The stuff you said your H does, like the food and about the dog, forgetting things and getting exactly what you said not to, are just like my H! The other day after i got off the phone with my brother i said, "gawd i hate talking on the phone." and my H says, "oh i thought you liked talking to him." OMG. For literally YEARS i have always complained that i hate talking on the phone. my catch phrase with my H is, "do you know me at all??" 

He also thinks nothing he does is ever good enough and i was like you for awhile, i thought i was just being too nit-picky and i should cut him some slack. But then i took a calculus class and you know what i learned? You can kick and scream and complain and whine and you wont make the grade until you learn to work your a$$ off for it. After taking that class i realized my H was a whiny complainer that wasn't willing to put in the work. Now I ask my H, "If you put in the same amount of effort into your job as you do our relationship would you make the grade??" of course the answer is no. I always tell him "if your boss told you your project was not good enough and made corrections would you whine and complain or would you do what it takes to make it right?" 

If i compare it to work he usually gets the picture. The other day I told my H "I got news for you. Relationships are work and if you're not willing to put in the time and effort let me know." These days I have absolutely no problem letting him know its not good enough, because its not. I also let him know that its not the end of the world and im not trying to make him feel like a bad guy. There's also no animosity or resentment when i tell him anymore, which helps tremendously. Its just simply not good enough. He can whine and complain all he wants but the simple truth still stands.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Some of the things it sounds like you're being a bit of a nitpicker on and they aren't a big deal. My mom does some of that same stuff sometimes, like forgetting what foods I hate or that I can't have fragrance in my bath products (I have eczema- since I was 3, and she still buys me scented stuff LOL), it's annoying at the moment but forgivable.

But how do you not notice a dog's lips swelling up from being bit by a spider? If that was my dog I would be furious. That's on a whole other scale than throw pillows and burritos.


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

surfergirl said:


> Some of the things he does sounds a little like my (now adult) nephew who has Aspergers Syndrome (which falls in the Autism Spectrum).
> 
> My nephew is only mildly affected by the disorder but it was enough to make his life pretty awful until he was diagnosed at 16 - his parent's thought he was just lazy, forgetful and thoughtless a lot of the time.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your input 

My husband worked with a man that had terrible asperger's and he would make fun of this guy.

When I mentioned... "umm... you have the same job as him and you kind of have similar issues, minus the social aspect", he got furious. I will never bring it up again 

But I agree with you... it's in that spectrum somewhere... I wish wish wish he would get tested so we could figure out how to communicate and I knew what to do/say or not do to help!


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

Leah L said:


> I can commiserate to some degree. The men in my life have all turned out to be very bright, somewhat eccentric and in engineering related. I laugh because one wasn't when I was with him but then went and got an engineering degree!
> 
> I was tricked? LOL
> 
> ...


Oh I wish I could figure out how to speak his language  You have an AMAZING attitude and I really have to hand it to you!

Thanks so much for the input and your calm, respectful and kind way of looking at things 

For the record, he ate my dinner. We went to Chipotle, each ordered our little burritos our way and then somehow... the hubby gobbled mine up while I was futzing with the remote. If it wasn't so late I would have certainly gotten another one  He has done this before (the eating of my food), but we usually catch it 25% of the way in, not 98% of the way :/ I don't know about you, but steak tastes way different than chicken and how he didn't notice really got under my skin (or perhaps it was because I was REALLY hungry! lol).

But breather... might be a good thing. Or a translator, so I knew what he was thinking... that would be awesome!


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

Blanca said:


> My H is exactly the same!! The stuff you said your H does, like the food and about the dog, forgetting things and getting exactly what you said not to, are just like my H! The other day after i got off the phone with my brother i said, "gawd i hate talking on the phone." and my H says, "oh i thought you liked talking to him." OMG. For literally YEARS i have always complained that i hate talking on the phone. my catch phrase with my H is, "do you know me at all??"
> 
> He also thinks nothing he does is ever good enough and i was like you for awhile, i thought i was just being too nit-picky and i should cut him some slack. But then i took a calculus class and you know what i learned? You can kick and scream and complain and whine and you wont make the grade until you learn to work your a$$ off for it. After taking that class i realized my H was a whiny complainer that wasn't willing to put in the work. Now I ask my H, "If you put in the same amount of effort into your job as you do our relationship would you make the grade??" of course the answer is no. I always tell him "if your boss told you your project was not good enough and made corrections would you whine and complain or would you do what it takes to make it right?"
> 
> If i compare it to work he usually gets the picture. The other day I told my H "I got news for you. Relationships are work and if you're not willing to put in the time and effort let me know." These days I have absolutely no problem letting him know its not good enough, because its not. I also let him know that its not the end of the world and im not trying to make him feel like a bad guy. There's also no animosity or resentment when i tell him anymore, which helps tremendously. Its just simply not good enough. He can whine and complain all he wants but the simple truth still stands.


YES... it's like... this man I've known for 11 years doesn't get me at ALL. He has said that if there was a wikipedia page about me, he would have read it and memorized it :/ So, perhaps we need to type out our biographies, likes and dislikes etc so that they can process it in good ol' black and white?

I've told him that relationships take work and if he gave me 10% of what he gave his job he'd have an A++, but... I don't get it... he just doesn't seem to want to try to "hear" me.

Like the night he got my meds wrong... he was flustered and upset... I just said that we should use this opportunity to see where the communication went wrong, what I could say differently or do differently to convey to you that it's important that you get X product at the store. I'm trying SO hard to be kind, understanding and not condescending. But I just feel SO exhausted by all the attempts to find the write wording, vehicle etc to get through to him. At the end of the day, I feel like I'm just not that important to him.

If you find a magic way to communicate with you husband, please share, I'd love to hear 

Thanks again


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> Some of the things it sounds like you're being a bit of a nitpicker on and they aren't a big deal. My mom does some of that same stuff sometimes, like forgetting what foods I hate or that I can't have fragrance in my bath products (I have eczema- since I was 3, and she still buys me scented stuff LOL), it's annoying at the moment but forgivable.
> 
> But how do you not notice a dog's lips swelling up from being bit by a spider? If that was my dog I would be furious. That's on a whole other scale than throw pillows and burritos.


I had to laugh when you put it that way... "throw pillows and burritos"... hahaha. It does sound petty, doesn't it? 

I guess my point is... I wish he was here with me, on this plane of existence. His head is in the clouds and he's constantly getting lost, forgetting small things and doesn't seem to know what is important to me at all or that his dog might need to go to the emergency room, for example. But he cam memorize computer programming books and operating manuals like they were his ABC's. He can hyperfocus on things that make my eyes cross, yet he can't tell the difference between eating steak and chicken... I'm just confused and frustrated.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

grayhound said:


> If you find a magic way to communicate with you husband, please share, I'd love to hear
> 
> Thanks again


If i ever find a way to communicate with him i will write a book about and then be a millionaire  

These days I just expect it. Our anniversary is coming up and I knew what he was going to do for me and i also knew its not something I wanted. So I just flat out told him not to do it. He asked what he could do and I thought, "I sound like a broken record." 

Its really disheartening but i think you have to consider that trying to change your H might be making everyone miserable. My current approach is not to say anything anymore. I've told him a million times and at some point it just becomes insanity and no one is happy. sometimes you just have to accept that you did your best and that this is not going to change.


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## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

I have a masters degree in education. Not bragging. Just letting you know my background and I have done a lot of research into Asperrger Syndrome. Unknowingly I married a man with AS and we had a son who has AS. Son is now 27 yrs. old. While he was growing up, there was very little info available and very few books. There is much more available on the subject now. Check on line and check your local library. 

Engineering is the #1 career choice for peope with AS
Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity discorder is present 100% of the time in an AS patient.
It is very common, well over 90%, for AS patients to also have issues with obsessive compulsive disorder. 

They are absolutely brilliant in a certain area and totally hopeless in others. I know how hard it is to assume they intentionally do not listen to you, or do things just to annoy you, like bringing you the very thing you specifically said you didn't want. I can't tell you how many times, I have asked my husband to bring home something specific for dinner for the family. He brings home something for himself, but forgets food for me & my children. Our Son had a real hard time grwoing up determining what food belonged to him. He finally got him to the point where he asked, "is this my food" before touching any food. 

I understand your frustration. Try to educate yourself on the symptoms and develop coping skills that will make it easier to live with your DH. It's going to be a life lng struggle, but things can improve, and you both can learn better coping skills.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Bequia2010 said:


> I have a masters degree in education. Not bragging. Just letting you know my background and I have done a lot of research into Asperrger Syndrome. Unknowingly I married a man with AS and we had a son who has AS. Son is now 27 yrs. old. While he was growing up, there was very little info available and very few books. There is much more available on the subject now. Check on line and check your local library.
> 
> *Engineering is the #1 career choice for peope with AS
> Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity discorder is present 100% of the time in an AS patient.
> ...


You didn't sound like you were bragging. You sounded very helpful. :smthumbup:
I used tease my husband by calling him Mr.Aspergers. He has terrible social skills and is very awkward around others. When I met my hubby, he was cold and hermit like. Yet he has a gift for numbers and an amazing memory. *He is an engineer. *:rofl:
When his family found out that he was engaged, they were awestruck because my husband is so shy. 
We have reconciled our opposite personalities really well. My husband is more friendly with those who are close to me; now he looks them in the eye. He will also come to the door and say hello when he picks me up. He has become a better conversationalist. In return, I stay home with him at times instead of going out. I also do quiet activities with him such as reading or watching our favorite show together. It's about compromise.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Gotta chime in with those indicating that the way your husband operates seems very much like high functioning ASD. Or at the very least, a killer case of type 2 ADHD.

Having a young son on the spectrum, I am absolutely convinced that there are likely thousands of undiagnosed adults out there that are trying to get by in a neuro-typical world.

At this point in his life, him finding out whether he has, or doesn't have a cognitive disorder is less relevant than your being able to determine if you can change your frame of reference in terms of expectations. 

In simplest terms, I see this happen all the time in how people deal with my son. If you expect him to behave and interact normally, you are setting yourself up for aggravation and disappointment. Adjust those expectations accordingly based upon his strengths and weaknesses, and the entire picture changes ... for both of you.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

For what it is worth, I have adjusted my expectations. I had a partner before who understood me in a way my husband will never. 

But my husband is a better fit for me for many reasons. Sometimes I have to remember the why's. I also know I need to "forgive" him because some things just don't click in his head. That's when I see the young frustrated man in his face (he shared some thing from his youth with me) and it helps me feel more tolerant.

Now, there is a limit, LOL. I read somewhere that the best advice for marriage is to write down the 5 things that bug you about your spouse. Then forgive them for the 5, rip up the paper and let the annoyances go.

I thought that was cute at the time. Maybe not realistic but I think it may be in terms of chewing off what is reasonable. 

Maybe start with a list of the biggest irritants and then ponder them and decide which need to be addressed, and which do not. Pick one and think outside the box for all of the solutions, and or post here and see what creative advice you get.

I suspect asp is a spectrum and these "smarties" do seem to exhibit those behaviors. You've been with him for some time, you've managed so far, it seems there is time and room to work out some solution(s).

Best of luck, Leah


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

Blanca said:


> If i ever find a way to communicate with him i will write a book about and then be a millionaire
> 
> These days I just expect it. Our anniversary is coming up and I knew what he was going to do for me and i also knew its not something I wanted. So I just flat out told him not to do it. He asked what he could do and I thought, "I sound like a broken record."
> 
> Its really disheartening but i think you have to consider that trying to change your H might be making everyone miserable. My current approach is not to say anything anymore. I've told him a million times and at some point it just becomes insanity and no one is happy. sometimes you just have to accept that you did your best and that this is not going to change.


My friend gave me some awesome advice. She's married to an engineer and he too, is absent minded.

She said that he's SO stressed at work that he comes home and doesn't want the stress there. It overwhelms them. They can't handle anything since they give their "all" to work.

I get it. My husband solves problems and puts out "fires" all day long. When it comes to me... he doesn't want to have to deal with it.

So, this is what I am changing...

1. Before I start a conversation, I declare what it is I'm going to talk about (like HTML tags). "This story I'm about to tell you, is me venting. The problem has been solved, so you don't have to solve it. But I'm just going to relay a simple story to you..." So he knows now to get the wheels cranking. This alleviates stress for him. "This story is an example of how you hurt me the other day. I'm hoping we can both learn something from it and find a better way of communicating and change this habit. I'm not complaining, I'm trying to be productive and change something." etc etc. When you launch into a "story" without them knowing the punchline, the end result is a tailspin of emotion. So, if I declare my intentions up front, it'll be SO much more constructive. The punch line is up front now!
2. Men don't notice the details. Engineering types (or ADHD, whathaveyou) even more so. So, I'm going to stop worrying about the details when it comes to him. He won't notice it, so I'm not going to go out of my way to do it and thus I won't be hurt if he doesn't notice. That will put 30-50% of my time back in my lap. Eliminate the things you do that he doesn't notice... save yourself the trouble.
3. Yes... I will have to be on call 24/7. I'm going to have to double check my burrito on my plate is mine and make sure that what I need, I have. Never send him on errands that I know he can't do. This will never change. I need to accept it.

I'm still working on it... and I still feel like *I'm* the one that has to learn a new language. I'm still angry. I still feel like I want to leave him. But... I'm going to give it a try (as I roll my eyes). Ugh. Lord, give me the strength. lol.


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Gotta chime in with those indicating that the way your husband operates seems very much like high functioning ASD. Or at the very least, a killer case of type 2 ADHD.
> 
> Having a young son on the spectrum, I am absolutely convinced that there are likely thousands of undiagnosed adults out there that are trying to get by in a neuro-typical world.
> 
> ...


So, let me ask you this... I think I may want kids... but what is stopping me is the fact that I feel like I'd be parenting by myself. The thought HAS crossed my mind that our kid could be on the spectrum, too. This scares the pants off of me.

Without sounding too cold... I fear I am... if you knew what you know now, would you have had a child with your husband again?

I'm having a real hard time evaluating my husband's strengths and weaknesses. All of his strengths revolve around his interests and his interests only. 

I feel like our conversations used to be more give and take, more about topics we both find interesting, more pauses and we would exchange ideas more. He was a vivid storyteller and I *got* what he was conveying. These days, he goes off on some diatribe and doesn't pause or ask for my opinions. He discounts what I say more and more and just... presses on. I feel like I'm being lectured to more than being involved with... if that makes sense. We cut each other off in conversations and it sometimes ends in a big fight. I swear, he's either gotten a lot worse or I've completely lost patience. And he talks about the same 3 things. This never used to be the case. And he now talks in more and more detail... it's agonizing for me. I can't follow what he's saying and I flip out. I tell him to stop and ask that he draw it or show me because I have NO idea what he's trying to convey. It's like a 10-year old going a mile-a-minute reciting a VCR programming guide, with the sweet enthusiasm of a child, but instead of nodding and saying "yes, yes!", I need to remember and understand what he is saying. I have NO idea what he's talking about anymore.

And if I start a conversation, he picks it apart. He won't let me just tell a story. He interrupts, makes me back up, analyze something I said, give me scenarios that are just irrelevant and it drives me bonkers. This is NEW. He never used to do this.

This is what makes me feel like I'm not important to him. The tunnel vision. If only I could speak in a computer programming language or... make chores more fun somehow or... make intimacy something that ISN'T robotic. I just feel alone in this marriage... that he's off in lalaland programming and obsessing on cameras and doesn't know anything else.

I feel like he's gotten worse over the last 4 years... and he admitted to me that being "on" with me ("on" meaning... warmer, more in tune, aware and in sync with me, not physically running in to me and noticing my body language) stresses him out and he's just not going to do it anymore. He felt that he was walking on eggshells, compromising himself and giving in to me and has declared he's not going to do that anymore. So, me seeing him as paying attention, being warm, thoughtful and sweet was AGONIZING for him. Ugh.


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## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

Bequia2010 said:


> I have a masters degree in education. Not bragging. Just letting you know my background and I have done a lot of research into Asperrger Syndrome. Unknowingly I married a man with AS and we had a son who has AS. Son is now 27 yrs. old. While he was growing up, there was very little info available and very few books. There is much more available on the subject now. Check on line and check your local library.
> 
> Engineering is the #1 career choice for peope with AS
> Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity discorder is present 100% of the time in an AS patient.
> ...


Thank you so much for this... 

Yes, my husband is sweet, yes he is loyal and means well... but I fear that his "absent minded-ness" and obsessions are getting worse and worse.

Did you find that to be the case with your DH and son?

I find that my husband and I used to be able to exchange ideas and have great conversations, but these days he obsesses on three subjects, launches into diatribes about details that I cannot understand and he's just... more robotic. Can the Aspberger's get worse with age?

I will look into some books regarding this syndrome and ADD... I'm pretty sure that's what I'm dealing with. Thanks so much for the input


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