# My husband just said hes never coming home to this home!



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Here never wants to come home to our marital residence. He says there are too many bad memories attached to this home.

So hes only coming home to pack all the stuff and put it in storage.

I've been working so hard on convincing him to come home and I'm so tired of liivng alone and raising our children alone. Of sleeping alone. My husband and I are very much closer like a new relationship, but he says there are too many bad memories here.

He says his parents house is his home.

He said this all pretty fast so I don't know what it all means.

It seems he does not want to live together again until he gets laid off from work (jan to March) and has to travel to another job in another state.

So from what hes saying I may have to wait until April before I can have my husband back, have family dinners, have our schedule back, watch TV at night with someone special that I love. Raising our kids alone, with no one coming through that door at 6pm every night, giivng me a hello kiss and a whats for dinner question.

I miss our routine so much!!!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Can you guys try moving in to a temporary place together? Like an apartment that is neutral territory?

I'm sorry, but his declaration sounds fishy to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is he going to help you with the bills, child support, etc?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We own this house and he will probably stay at his parents house until he gets laid off and move out of state.

He won't even spend the night here at our family home. Tonihgt is the first I have heard of this. He does come over to viist me nad the kids some nights after work, but he does not stay very long. He has long long hours anyway though. He gets up at 4am and gets home to our house at 6pm or to his parents house where he stays at 7-8pm

He says there are too many bad memories in this house.

Tonight I told him how I missed him, missed kissing him, missed making love to him...that I could look at our wedding pictures and feel desire for him, that I could look at certain places in our house and remmeber us together.

He said all this talk is depressing him.

He says he misses all the things I was saying I missed, like homemade dinner together, coming home to me, coming home to our kids, watching our shows together

but right now he is saying he does not want to come to this home


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So does he want you and the kids to move with him to his parent's home? Have you asked him that?

I don't think it's the home. He wants out of your marriage. He is abandoning his responsibilities as a husband and father.

Is he helping you pay the bills?

Do you work outside the home?

Where does he spend his weekend and time off? Is it possible that he is having an affair? How sure are you that he is staying at his parents every night?

I think it might be wise for you to see an attorney. If not for a divorce then for a legal separation which will establish his need to help pay the bills, give child support, property distribution, etc. That way you have a way to establish your rights in the situation.

When and if he is ready to act like a married man again, the legal separation can be cancelled. It might also wake him up to what he is really doing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would also question whether or not he's getting some strange on the side. Even if he sleeps at his parents, it means nothing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

he recently admitted to an affair. I'm not sure how long it went on for, but I don't think it really matters to focus on the details.

Both his parents know of his affair and they were shocked and his mom really didn't beleive it, but finally beleived it when I told her what the girl messaged me.

Our house does have a lot of bad memories in it for him. He must remember all the bad times, but there was so much stress to contribute to those bad times. 

His parents say he is home at a decent hour every night. I know his work schedule to a T and he texts me in the morning before he starts work, at break and at lunch. If he takes his last break he texts then too. he texts when he gets off work, then on his drive home he calls me. Every day is the same routine, with no break. He is often on the phone with me when he gets to his paretns house and I can hear him open the door nad I can hear his parents say HI.
Then when he gets settled he texts me from where he stays in the basement and asks me what I want to talk about.

He does pay for all the bills and he comes to see the kids. If I need something fixed he will say he will do it and he does do it. (he did not do this while we were activly married)

He is very very afraid of my parents coming into the picture again and I'm not sure if that might be another reason he is uncomfortable here at our home. My parents treat me like I'm 5 and him like he can do no right ever. Its not that My H is isolating me from my partsnlet me assure you. There is many secrets coming out about my parents that have to do with controlling me. So I don't want them in my life. 

I don't think he wants me to move in with him and his parents. he is not mommya nd daddy bound. 

He said he wants to wait to move back in together when we can move out of town or state. I'm not sure how set he is on this because he seems to change his mind from day to day sometimes. Hes always been this way. He was asking me just saturday morning when I wanted him to move back in. Now today this is new that he does not want to move back in.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We have MC session on the 23rd. I really can't wait. I hope our counselor can convince him to move back in to the family home. He is also afraid that all our old habits will start again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The house has bad memories for him? How about for you? So he basically leaves his children? 

Why not suggest to him that as long as he is out of the house you both behave as though you are truely separated. He can have the kids so many days a week. He HAS to come get them and take care of them. This gives you some time to yourself.

Since he's out of the house you also need to start looking for work or to get some kind of skill.. that means work or school or both for you. So he has more kid responsibilities.

I think you need to do this because right now he has dumped all the responsibility on you. Until he is ready to act and live like he's married you really have no choice but to believe he will not be back.

And the more he has to be responsible in his life, the more likely he will see how valuable you are to him.. in the way of love and in the way of caring for your children.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We are truly seperated and have been since the end of August. He lives at his parents and he gets the kids every other weekend. He pays all the bills here at home.

I can't work outside the house. I have a permanent injury and 3 children at home. I have not worked outside the house since I was laid off in 2003 with a permanent injury. I got a settlement from teh company for that, but long gone by now. Not enough of a disability rating to get much of any disability payment at all.

I have 3 children at home all with special needs. So at home is where I need to be. Its not worth it to go work at walmart or any other retailer all hours of the day/night paying a babysitter my whole pay.

I know my husband is afraid of the same old stuff happening again, but hes not even giving our marriage a chance even though he says he wants to give 110% if I will. His fears are disabling him. My husband has always been like this about certain fears, but now this one is coming back home for good. He wants to wait until we can move out of state.

I just can not live like this anymore!!!!

WE have a MC appt on the 23rd and I hope we can get somewhere.

I need help with our children!!! I am starting to break!!! Every single one of our kids has autism & ADHD, so that means constant fits, screaming and weird behaviors, sometimes at all hours of the day. They don't eat regular food becasue of sensory issues, so we can't eat as a family. PLus I can't even cook a meal because there is no one available to help with the care of the kids while I cook. So only microwave it is.

I just can't live on microwave meals anymore!!! I'm starting to really lose weight because of all this stress!! With autistic kids you are stuck at home, so there is no going out to eat if you don't have help.

I have recently told my husband that I just can't live this way anymore!!!


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

what is his parent saying?
I know it's hard but he's weak.. sorry it's to much for you and he knows it. He's bitter.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have not been able to tell his parents yet that he said he didn't want to come home to this home. He only started saying this last night, so perhaps its anohter irrational thought because he is letting his thoughts and fears control him.

I've only this morning told him that I really can't live this way anymore.

I think hes afraid that if he lives here my parents are going to decide to come over. My dad is an A*S who really thinks he is right about everything and he will get his way no matter what!! My dad knows how to push my husbands buttons and I'm sure my husband is afraid of going to jail. My dad has broken into our home 2 times to try to control me. Once when I was not home to try to prove that I just was not safe with my husband and once when I was home and I told my parents not to come. I was having a hard time and was talking over text and they said we are coming over. I said no I don't want you to come over, don't come over. 20 minutes later my dad used the garage keypad to enter our house and demanded questions from me. I had to stay totally queit so he would finally leave.

So I think this is the main reason my husband has all of a sudden said he does not want to move into this home.

I guess I really need to be able to talk more to him about what the real reason (beyond too many bad memories) is why he does not want to live at this house. If it is my parents I need to reassure him that if my dad pulls this again, the police will be called.

We tried to change the code on the garage door opener, but it won't work and we are not putting money into this house for a new key pad since we are giving up the house.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Typical wayward.

He's not fully invested in your marriage. And that's a fact.

If he were, he'd come back home.

Protect yourself, youir kids, your finances. He is stringing you along.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

I just feel like he is playing games(being abusive), trying to break you. He wants to save the marriage but he has all of these hoops and hurdles and he is constantly moving things around..and changing the rules. 

He is blaming your parents for his behavior and choices....past and present, even though you have shunned them out of your life...even now when you probably need them the most because he is being a horse's ass. 

I recently picked up this book from my local library...I am half way through the book and my stbxh has been described on every page.....

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656


I was very protective of my stbxh for years even though he was proud and somewhat open about his abusive behavior to me, friends and family ....one day a switch flipped the light went on and I realized I was being abused. It was hard to admit...hard to fully accept....and that was with him telling me throughout the marriage that he was controlling. He told me that "our marriage wasn't worth saving unless he could inflict pain" ...yet still doesn't consider himself an abuser.

Can you qualify for respite care for the kids..so you can get out of the house to regroup for a few hours? He's out of the house...I would apply for all the assistance available...see if there is a program that is designed to get homemakers back to work...subsidized child care, job training, school....I know it's hard, your children's autism/ADHD make you situation even more difficult. But it is always going to be something. My youngest started school that same day I started looking for a job...my husband brought home 2 puppies the next day...and two cats....knowing he was traveling for work 4 days a week...knowing I would be overwhelmed and give up my 'unnecessary' search for a job. 

I don't mean to pick on you...I see your posts and I see a lot of myself and my situation and reg flags are going up....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should tell his parents that he does not plan to move home and the reasons he gives. If they do not know about the affair tell them that as well.

I would think that his parents would step up and tell him that he has no choice but to move back home and start being a married man.

One sense I am getting is that your husband might be overwhelmed by the issues with our children. Having several special needs children would put a huge strain on any marriage. It's not fair for him to dump the major responsibility of the children on you. Is there any way that you can find help with your children? Are there any organizations out there that could give both of you some relief?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

His parents can't make him do anything.

The choice is his.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

For Goodness Sakes, the bit about your parents is nothing but an EXCUSE to do what he wants and ditch his responsibilities. He is the man of the house, if he has a problem with your parents, he needs to take care of it with them. If he does not want to be associated with them, tell him to set some boundaries and enforce them. He is using you Blue and you can't see it. He is CAKE-EATING to the max. You need to get a backbone and tell him to either get his ass home and start accepting his part of the responsibilities with the marriage, home and kids or you will file for divorce on Monday. He is being ridiculous.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> His parents can't make him do anything.
> 
> The choice is his.


His parents are allowing him to live with them right now. They can tell him that he cannot live with them. This will force him to decide to either move home with his wife or get his own place.

If he gets his own place he will have to do everything for himself, have the kids by himself.

His parents are making it easy for him to not return home right now. They can stop enabling him.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Set me FREE said:


> I just feel like he is playing games(being abusive), trying to break you. He wants to save the marriage but he has all of these hoops and hurdles and he is constantly moving things around..and changing the rules.
> 
> He is blaming your parents for his behavior and choices....past and present, even though you have shunned them out of your life...even now when you probably need them the most because he is being a horse's ass.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice!!

I know it sounds like he changes his plans from day to day and he does. He has done it through out the time I have known him, thats why our marraige is so hard.

Since I have children with Autism I highly suspect my husband has aspergers which is a form of autism. I know he does not do these things to hurt me. He has stayed with me through thick and thin and I am really suprised through all this we are where we are right now, really.

We do go out together as often as possible. He text and calls me as often as he possibly can, really. 

He does get overwhelmed with our children and especially our son. Our son has autism the worst. My husband was not emotionally avaialble for his kids during the time before the seperation. My husband carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and when at home played his Xbox 12 hrs per day, isolating himself. Now my husband will see his kids nd play wiht his kids as often as possible. He even got a Support Autism Tattoo on his forearm, to finally show he accepted our children as they are.

My husband is very genuine, but lacks communication, although it has gotten better. His fears really do get in the way and this one is gettign in the way majorly.

We are going out tonight so I'm happy about that, my kids are going to his parents house so we can have time alone.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Set me FREE said:


> I just feel like he is playing games(being abusive), trying to break you. He wants to save the marriage but he has all of these hoops and hurdles and he is constantly moving things around..and changing the rules.
> 
> He is blaming your parents for his behavior and choices....past and present, even though you have shunned them out of your life...even now when you probably need them the most because he is being a horse's ass.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice!!

I know it sounds like he changes his plans from day to day and he does. He has done it through out the time I have known him, thats why our marraige is so hard.

Since I have children with Autism I highly suspect my husband has aspergers which is a form of autism. I know he does not do these things to hurt me. He has stayed with me through thick and thin and I am really suprised through all this we are where we are right now, really.

We do go out together as often as possible. He text and calls me as often as he possibly can, really. 

He does get overwhelmed with our children and especially our son. Our son has autism the worst. My husband was not emotionally avaialble for his kids during the time before the seperation. My husband carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and when at home played his Xbox 12 hrs per day, isolating himself. Now my husband will see his kids nd play wiht his kids as often as possible. He even got a Support Autism Tattoo on his forearm, to finally show he accepted our children as they are.

My husband is very genuine, but lacks communication, although it has gotten better. His fears really do get in the way and this one is gettign in the way majorly.

We are going out tonight so I'm happy about that, my kids are going to his parents house so we can have time alone.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> His parents are allowing him to live with them right now. They can tell him that he cannot live with them. This will force him to decide to either move home with his wife or get his own place.
> 
> If he gets his own place he will have to do everything for himself, have the kids by himself.
> 
> His parents are making it easy for him to not return home right now. They can stop enabling him.


His parents can be very persuave of him. My FIL told me in the past that if it came down to me and the kids being homeless my H would be kicked out(we are giving our house up.

So I know that his paretns especially his dad will step up and tell my husband face your fears, go back home...thsi is not your home, just a temporary home...its time to get the next step of repairing your marraige and move back home.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband said the same thing at the beginning of our separation...but he moved home.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I just talked to his dad and his dad says my husband wants to take things slow cause my husband may be afraid of things going bad quickly if he comes home too soon. Only a few days ago he admitted his affair that was a one time deal, not sure if it was a one night stand or not. My husband did mention meeting this girl in Sept when our seperation happened and he was really really hurt thinking that I wanted a divorce and I was hurt too thinking he wanted a divorce.

My husband is coming over tonight right after work. My kids are going to be with his parents so we can have husband and wife time. The intimacy between my husband and I has started back again, but started before I found out about this affair. I only found out because she was trying to chase him and posted on his FB wall.

Us actually being apart has been good except for what happened with infedility. My thinking on healing is as long as my husband shows me I can trust him and we make knew intimiate memories together, I can erase the visions in my head. I have not been thinking about them and instead thinking about my husband.

My IC suggested that my husband and I come to a compremise about him moving back in. My husband can start by staying over night 1-2 nights per week. I think first without our kids so we can get used to eachother againa nd build our trust.

Please know my husband is not like most men. I know this might look like an excuse. My husband does not drink, does not smoke, does not hang out with the guys(exept on jobsite), does not go to bars. Hes more of a hot Geek type who prefers to be at home with his own comforts.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> My husband said the same thing at the beginning of our separation...but he moved home.


My FIL says I should take some of these crazy things my husband says with a grain of salt. 

I do hope my husband starts the transition of moving home soon. Even though I just found out about his mistake our relationship was getting really really close over the last couple months since Oct. I'm not sure when it happend and I'm not sure I really need to know. All I need to know is that I can fully trust him


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can't fully trust anyone. Ever. If you can become content with that, you'll find peace. I'm working on it.


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