# How do you deal with an ANGRY spouse?



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

Long story short, my husband and I have been married over 20 years and we have one teenage son. My husband informed me that he didn't want to be married any more because he wanted to do his own thing and didn't think we had things in common any more and left six weeks ago. At first, he told me that he wanted to get along for the sake of our son and he would be there for me when I needed help with household things, etc. Well, that has certainly changed! He is now extremely angry every time we have to talk about schedules or bills, etc. and he absolutely refuses to have any contact with me about anything other than these topics. I am hurting and cannot understand his anger. How will we ever be able to continue co-parenting this way?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Easy, but let me explain why he's acting like this before I give you a how to. He's simply chasing a fantasy whether it be other women or a life where life doesn't suck (doesn't exist!). Every time you call him you remind him of what he's running from and that's what makes him angry. Either he feels guilty or wants to project his low self-esteem, hurt feelings, or anger about other thing onto you. You want him to settle down? STOP CALLING!

Seriously, not to pick on you but you need to remove yourself from being his source of misery and let him figure out he is making himself miserable all on his own. It's going to take a few months of going dark during the 180 and you may possibly find out about another woman. Don't freak out! You're going to have some time to beat this, or at the very least get some wiggle room for a later reconciliation years down the road when the dust has settled. For now, agree with him and then ignore him.

Waywards can't stand to be ignored. LOL, it messes with their over inflated egos and drives cheaters off the deep end. These types can't stand the thought of you replacing them or not needing them anymore so they go on a huge campaign to lure(hoover) you back in and get you committed once more, just so they can leave feeling good about themselves again. You want the 180 to work effectively? Then do whatever you have to do to show him you don't want him and could care less if he came back or left. THIS IS VERY HARD, but it's what has to be done. If he's got a piece on the side like I suspect this will cause them to break up all that sooner..... once you stop being the thing that infuriates him and hse comforts him over( if she exists) they will find things to fight with about each other. Also, another woman thinks she has a married man with no resistance from the wife. She will tear off her mask and make his life a miserable hell of clothes she wants him to wear and one giant "forget her and pay attention to meeeeee" game played over and over until he dumps her sorry ass, or she depresses him to the point where he no longer attractive and cheats on him. 

Either way affair or no affair, mid life crises or not, he's going to find he's been the one making himself miserable the whole time. He doesn't realize, as you will find out very shortly for yourself..... the power to change and feel better comes from within. We make ourselves miserable and we make ourselves happy. It's all how you look at it. Please say you get it and don't make me tell you the story about the chinese man and the horse. I like to type but not that much:rofl:


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Easy, but let me explain why he's acting like this before I give you a how to. He's simply chasing a fantasy whether it be other women or a life where life doesn't suck (doesn't exist!). Every time you call him you remind him of what he's running from and that's what makes him angry. Either he feels guilty or wants to project his low self-esteem, hurt feelings, or anger about other thing onto you. You want him to settle down? STOP CALLING!
> 
> Seriously, not to pick on you but you need to remove yourself from being his source of misery and let him figure out he is making himself miserable all on his own. It's going to take a few months of going dark during the 180 and you may possibly find out about another woman. Don't freak out! You're going to have some time to beat this, or at the very least get some wiggle room for a later reconciliation years down the road when the dust has settled. For now, agree with him and then ignore him.
> 
> ...


Very well said. It's true, the 180 is the hardest thing we can do. My STBXH was and still is very angry at me. I do an 'adjusted' 180 because we have kids, and it's been working for ME. I feel that everyday, I get stronger and happier.


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

Nsweet, I get it! This is, and will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I will do it. 

Left with 4.5, can you tell me what you to do an adjusted 180? How is that working for you? 

Thanks for your help!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Assuming of course their issues are related to anything specific. Some people are pathologically unhappy and angry all the time every day no matter what. You can tune them out and it won't change a thing other than your own reaction to them.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

my ex was angry all the time...at first I tried to do whatever I could to change things and make him happy because I didn't realise it was just within him. When I realised that didn't work I started to ignore it, then really resent it. When he left I realised pretty quickly that some other poor cow is going to have to deal with it now

he veered from being all contrite and guilty and 'I still love you' to defensive, angry and 'it's your fault too'

one thing you'll find is that losing an emotionally draining deadweight from your life is the most liberating feeling on the planet

I no longer contact him ever (it's been six months). If he wants something he can make contact - I'm done. How does it make him feel? I couldn't care less


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'll give you a for instance. Last night the wife claimed she didn't have one of the kid's email address. Maybe that's true, who knows, no point in asking for details. So I sent it. today, 20 hrs later she opens up her email and decides to have yet another mini meltdown about.....her cell phone? Yeah I don't know either. Anyway I re-sent her that email in a different format. Not sure how or if that's in any way related to her crappy cell phone she refuses to replace or upgrade at any price, even free. Any...way just another grumble-tastic fury tornado of random bullsh^t with no end.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> one thing you'll find is that *losing an emotionally draining deadweight from your life is the most liberating feeling on the planet*
> 
> I no longer contact him ever (it's been six months). If he wants something he can make contact - I'm done. How does it make him feel? I couldn't care less


AMEN! AMEN! Let me tell you, specialplace, when you get to THIS place where Dolly & I are at....MAN, I COULD KICK MYSELF for putting up with his sh*T as long as I did! 

I LOVE MY LIFE! (and I haven't felt THAT in YEARS!!!!)


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

my ex was always angry despite being permanently stoned. god knows what he'd be like if he didn't smoke it

and to slowlygettingwiser - I know right? I haven't felt this content since I was 23 years old

I was always tense before he came home from work because I didn't know whether or not he'd walk in the door and be normal or would start a half an hour rant about god knows what

walking on eggshells? never again


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## lilytony (Dec 1, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Easy, but let me explain why he's acting like this before I give you a how to. He's simply chasing a fantasy whether it be other women or a life where life doesn't suck (doesn't exist!). Every time you call him you remind him of what he's running from and that's what makes him angry. Either he feels guilty or wants to project his low self-esteem, hurt feelings, or anger about other thing onto you. You want him to settle down? STOP CALLING!
> 
> Seriously, not to pick on you but you need to remove yourself from being his source of misery and let him figure out he is making himself miserable all on his own. It's going to take a few months of going dark during the 180 and you may possibly find out about another woman. Don't freak out! You're going to have some time to beat this, or at the very least get some wiggle room for a later reconciliation years down the road when the dust has settled. For now, agree with him and then ignore him.
> 
> ...


I agree, dont call. ur inflating his over inflated ego that seems to be living in his fantasy land. take this time to gain ur strength. mentally set yourself up for it to be over, that way u have some control of ur emotions. personally i say simply...**** him


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Dolly, you've described my marriage in a nutshell. I'm glad to hear I'll one day love life as much as I think I will. My angry, who-knows-what's-coming-home STBX hasn't even moved out yet but my heart already feels lighter when I think of the things I don't have to care about anymore. I've had fibromyalgia for years, but whenever I spend a few days away from home for work travel, I magically feel better until I'm on my way home.


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