# seperation driving me crazy!!!



## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

I know that I have to show my wife in the long run that I am a changed man to have any chance of earning her and her trust back. However I am just getting so frustrated right now. She only calls when she wants to complain about someone or for the kids. Never to see how I am or what I am doing, but she sure will hit me up for gas money, money to take the girls somewhere or whatever favor she may need. I am wondering if it is even worth the trouble to go through all this or maybe just move on now.. I dont know, maybe I need support, maybe it's advise I am seeking. Either one would be appreciated because my mind is just spinning and racing when it comes to her. I dont know if I am making right or wrong decisions, so I have just decided to not answer the phone when she calls.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

more info? what happened? Why did she leave?


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

Yeah we kind of need more information before we can really say. For my situation he asked me for the separation & a week ago I told him that I was filing for divorce. We have a child but he has made no attempt to have a contact with her. Even now that she is back he is in denial that he did anything wrong when it comes to their relationship.

I chose to move on not just for myself but for her.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

Well I am a recovering alcoholic been sober only about 2 months. I have done it all to her, lied cheated, etc. She has been dealing with that for ten years. Its all my fault. It doesnt matter now anyway, after a 2 hour conversation tonight, we have decided not to drag it out any longer. I am devestated and angry. I kind of just said listen your gonna have to learn to trust me or learn to try, and I told her instead of dragging it out then I need to just move on because she does not know if she will ever come around so I guess I just didnt have the patience to keep showing her I have changed. I guess I wanted reassurance that there could be a chance of her falling and she said she could not say either way so I said fine. I will move on and not wait a year just for her to say no, when I should have been healing in the first place. I dont know if its right or wrong but it is what it is I guess. I hope it was the right choice.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

two months sober you should be used to plain talk.

you're self-centered arrogant and have a sense of entitlement oft times found in alcoholics.

you have no right after ten years of abuse to object to your wife's timetable.

i don't doubt you said 'listen your gonna have to learn to trust me'.

yeah that's the way to giterdun. 

you're much more than an alcoholic.

you're also a bully.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

I realize that my drinking is but a symptom of other underlying issues that I am working on. but for you to call me a bully is just ridiculous. I have never been and have no plans to ever be a bully. I dont ever need for people to see it my way. Not to mention that I avoid arguments like the plague. I dont fight or complain I am the farthest thing from a bully, just the opposite. But thanks for telling me all the other things that I already knew. Your so far off the mark that it is funny.:scratchhead:


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

bigbuckeyeguy25 said:


> I realize that my drinking is but a symptom of other underlying issues that I am working on. but for you to call me a bully is just ridiculous. I have never been and have no plans to ever be a bully. I dont ever need for people to see it my way. Not to mention that I avoid arguments like the plague. I dont fight or complain I am the farthest thing from a bully, just the opposite. But thanks for telling me all the other things that I already knew. Your so far off the mark that it is funny.:scratchhead:


rc's point is, you're gonna make HER feel bullied if you try to put the reconciliation efforts on YOUR timetable. hey buddy, YOU f-ed up. you're telling HER to swallow your timetable? b6lls#!t!

not off the mark. gut up, be a man, show some remorse. let HER decide how much time is gonna fix ten years of you CRAP. then, maybe then, you'll get her back.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Go Bucks!


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

Go Bucks!! O-H

I appreciate the real talk guys these are the things that I need to hear.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Come on people...he's here for help & support, just like we all are! 

He's a recovering alcoholic. Just that alone is a BIG change. 

Has he made mistakes? Yes. Have we? YES! 

Dude, you're on the right path...just keep to it. Your wife will (eventually) see the changes in you. Yes, it will take time. 

Will she acknowledge the changes? Maybe, eventually. Will you get her back? Maybe. It depends on her and whether or not she still loves you. And still wants a life with you. You did marry for a reason. Maybe there's still a spark of that reason still in her. But you will have to give her the time it takes.

BTW, I grew up in Dayton...go bucks!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, but he also needs to know that he is acting like a BULLY and self-absorbed, self-serving SOB. 

OP, RC and V were right on target. It will take YEARS for her to trust you--and what if you slip up? 2 months is nothing in the battle you have ahead of you. You must become an open book for her--no secrets, no privacy. Until SHE is ready to give some back--which may be never, frankly, and that should be ok--you have forfeited any right to privacy. So what if you don't have it? You won't have anything to hide if you stick to your sobriety, so it won't be a problem. When you start to resent her "control," you will know you are heading down a dangerous path--it's not her, it's YOU. 

I hope you are getting counseling and in AA, and that she is getting counseling, too, and any children you might have. Alcoholism is so, so damaging to children and families--please, regardless of whether or not your wife chooses to stay with you, do everything you can to help your kids avoid your mistakes--and you are not the person who can tell them that, or at least, they cannot hear it only from you. 

Good luck!


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I grew up with alcoholics and they did nothing but disappoint me time and time again. I had trust issues until I was 35 years old! Its a selfish addiction and depending on how you behaved towards your wife and family, it may take years of therapy to correct the wrongs.

All I can say is good luck man, you got an uphill battle on your hands.

Alcohol kills everything.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Yes, he may have been a bully...but he's trying to make things better! We're here for each other. Can we not help??

Sisters, ease up a bit. Please.

Amber, yes, so true.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

My Dad was an alcoholic, and chose to change, but for him it was too late. Years of drinking had already destroyed his liver. So, in all honesty, I feel for you. I have no DOUBT you have put your wife, and your kids thru hell....my dad's drinking as well as PTSD from Nam killed my parents marriage, but my mom loved him till the day he died...still does actually. She just could NOT go thru the hell anymore. 
You, dear, have a LONG road ahead of you. Quite honestly, if you love your wife and your family, you may want to rethink your ultimatium, and let her know that you are willing to work on your marriage, her trust, everything...on HER time frame. You have put her on YOUR time frame the entire time you've been drinking. What you screwed up in 10 years, she can't forgive in two months. She's likely terrified, not OF you, but of trusting you too soon, and then being drug down that road again.
Next time she calls, answer the phone! Swallow your pride, your hurt and your anger and ANSWER! Yeah, so what, she is asking you for money. You love her, your kids? Give her the money, with a smile on your face. Let her begin to trust that you WILL be there, even if its just as that type of support right now. If you; either of you feel comfortable in group settings, look into AA or Al-anon meetings. But, please don't give up unless you are 1000% sure its really what is the best. Keep working on yourself, no matter what. I wish every day that my dad had been able to find the strength in himself earlier, but it was just too late.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

I understand and appreciate what everyone is saying. The things that you say are for the most part true, and I try everyday to be rid of the traits which describe an alcoholic (selfish, self seeking, prideful, self centered). It is terribly hard to see all that I have done and I do feel terrible because I know that is not me. My problem is this though, I am madly in love with this woman, that much I know for sure. But, do I wait and hold out hope for a year maybe 2, or more, just to hear that she can not do it anymore? When maybe I should just try and start healing now and not wait for years before I can start to let go. I just don't think I can or maybe don't know how to heal but at the same time be there for her and hold out hope that things may be ok. For the record I am active in AA, however she wants no part in Al-Anon. 

-Dcrim I am from dayton as well.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

Well It's official. I apologized for trying to get her to make a decision my way so to speak and she just reinerated that we no longer need to drag this out so it is over and I am just broken, as a man, and as a person. Guess I gotta pick up the pieces and have faith that god has a different plan.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

10 years vs. 2 months......she is still hurting and will be for some time.

You need to prove yourself big time. Don't put a time table on it. I do this also, but it won't help. 

One day at a time.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

I am so devestated now, I dont even want to be alive anymore. She left her myspace on and I looked at what she was texting this guy And she has been sending him some sort of pics and They have been sex text messaging one another and she has been asking him to go out for drinks. Never have I felt pain like this.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Hang in there! Work on YOU and staying sober for YOU. The pain will dull and it WILL get easier. I know its hard to belive, but it does.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

I dont know how its gonna get easier but I found that guys girlfriend on myspace and messaged her. Thats what he gets.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

bigbuckeyeguy25 said:


> I dont know how its gonna get easier but I found that guys girlfriend on myspace and messaged her. Thats what he gets.


nice. "outing" is cool. hope she freaks out and blows up the relationship.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I think for the most part is to worry about your relationship with yourself again. For years, being addicted to alcohol there are some issues that need to be dealt with. Don't give up on yourself because there was a reason why she was with you in the beginning of your relationship. The work you have to do is to get back to being that person as a sober one.

You deserve to be alive. Focus on your journey to healing.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Getting better is your number one goal. You need to focus on that. You can't control what she does.....no matter how bad it hurts. But you can fix you and if things work out then great....but if they don't, you will be a much better husband for the next girl.

I know this sounds like crap....but it's true. And don't forget that people who are in pain sometimes do really stupid stuff. I think it's stupid to start talking to someone when your spouse is even remotely willing to work on the marriage. You can't fix a problem if you don't try. But that is your wife's choice. She made it....and you can't change it.

But that doesn't mean you have to throw away your progress. I do believe that God can help you. You can help you too. I understand your wife's hurt.....all too well. I understand that people can and do change and that they deserve second chances but we don't always get second chances. 

You have a second chance....maybe not with her...but you still have it. It's a second chance to be the man you can be.....a good loving man who would make any woman proud to be married to. No matter what happens....TAKE THAT SECOND CHANCE.

Take care and I will pray for you.....strength and Grace. Do not look back.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Yeah, hang in there BBG! I know the pain you're feeling. I thought it would kill me, too! 

My story's in another thread but believe me I know the hurt. 

It will ease, slowly, one day at a time. You just have to remember to breathe in, breathe out - repeat as often as necessary.  

Go out for a walk, a jog, go to a gym...don't just sit and mope! And, of course, don't (start back up with) drink!


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

I know but this is so much anger I mean I want to hurt this man, I know I can thats the scarier part. I had to send the message to a mutual friend that they have and she wants proof before I send it. I dont have her myspace password so I can only convince her that its the truth.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Go hit the gym. Helped me SO much when I was going thru the crap with my H, before we got to where we are now. 
If you can access the email acct she used to register her MS account, its easy to get the password.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

I am constantly in the gym, I body build as a hobby. It does help. But His girlfriend knows now and he is screwed as well I hope. I told her that I never want to speak with her anymore. She was telling him that we were already divorced and all that so she was lying to him as well. So sad that I had to see her for what she is. They both tried to deny it and I talked to the guy who was acting like a hard A** at first but by the time I was finished with him he was ready to cancel his myspace account. Ha Ha. He will remember me. So I guess that is it. When one door closes another one will open, I just have to have faith in god and stay sober one day at a time.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

That is so true. Tell yourself that every day...every hour if you need to.

Don't stop posting.....you definately will need the support. We all are here.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

So now this guy that I busted has posted on his myspace that he is going to break my neck. Funny he was singing a different tune when I was verbally assaulting him. But whatever, I am over that, he had his chance when I was enraged but he didnt want it so moving on from that. My future ex posted on her myspace that I am crazy and pointing fingers to make yourself look better is stupid. Oh, and I am dumb. Glad she is on his side. I dont know what they are both mad about though, now they dont have to sneak around to do what they do. They should be thanking me. Maybe they are mad because I removed the danger factor for them. Oh I will just pick up the broken pieces I guess and hope I dont end up in jail because I ran into this a hole somewhere.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you haven't changed at all. 

you're an arrogant bully still.


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

Well you tell me then sir, if I am such an arrogant bully, how do I practise humility in a situation like this. I am broken. Secondly if you dont have any descent advise for me except the same thing that you always say, then please dont waste your time replying to me, thanks.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

buckeyeguy...

let me jump in here and try to help calm the waters. question: what do you want to accomplish?


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

I just dont think there is anything to accomplish now. If thats the way she wants to act then I am powerless over that and dont need a woman like that in my life anyway. So I guess I just want to accomplish this: No more anger, no more worry, move forward and never look back, and just for once in my life be happy!! Thats all I want now. I dont want her back. Regardless of what I have done in the past, I dont live my life in the manner anymore so I dont think I deserve to be treated in such a way. Yeah yesterday I got a taste of my own medicine, and it hurts, I got that. I just dont want to feel that hurt anymore. And I hope one day, she will get over her hurt, not for me, cause im taking myself out of the picture, but for her own self.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You said to RC: "_how do I practise humility in a situation like this_"

Voivod said: "...nice. "outing" is cool. hope she freaks out and blows up the relationship".

Well, Buck, you can start by not "outing" people (*as Voivod always advises everyone, to a fault...*) *because* it serves absolutely no purpose except to show how out of control and IMMATURE one is because one does not REALIZE stirring "sh*t" does *nothing but make things stink more*:

which MEANS it causes BAD feelings and retaliation to ESCALATE in an already EXPLOSIVE situation and is what gets people KILLED in separation and divorce situations.

*Voivod: I do not know what your chief complaint is, but you are bordering on dangerous to people on these threads. Divorce and separation are dangerous situations, not some GAME to have someone on here CHEERING people on to make DANGEROUS decisions! *


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> *Voivod: I do not know what your chief complaint is, but you are bordering on dangerous to people on these threads. Divorce and separation are dangerous situations, not some GAME to have someone on here CHEERING people on to make DANGEROUS decisions! *


my cheif complaint? what the he77 does that mean?

i find your comment interesting (more so when not in red) as many professional counselors advise in the case of a known affair, physical or otherwise, outing. im curious. in your authoritative capacity, what danger are you referring to?

and quit pretending. you don't think it's a productive practice, so you're labelling it "dangerous." youre trying to create a straw man. a false villain. you are advocating turning the other cheek. talk about dangerous!

purpose of outing: same as throwing a penalty flag into the pile of monster linemen. or issuing a ticket to motor vehicle operators who violate a basic law. or dunce cap on the desruptive class clown.

if enough shame is meted out in the process, maybe the affair will be halted. which must happen for the healing process within the marriage to begin.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

bigbuckeyeguy25 said:


> I just dont think there is anything to accomplish now. If thats the way she wants to act then I am powerless over that and dont need a woman like that in my life anyway. So I guess I just want to accomplish this: No more anger, no more worry, move forward and never look back, and just for once in my life be happy!! Thats all I want now. I dont want her back. Regardless of what I have done in the past, I dont live my life in the manner anymore so I dont think I deserve to be treated in such a way. Yeah yesterday I got a taste of my own medicine, and it hurts, I got that. I just dont want to feel that hurt anymore. And I hope one day, she will get over her hurt, not for me, cause im taking myself out of the picture, but for her own self.


what you've just said is such a gigantic leap! no more anger, no more worry, be happy.

no, you probably don't deserve to be treated that way. but people will do things and justify them by things you've done to them.

vindication. in some sense or another, it's what we all strive. that's what i'm sure she feels she is getting.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

V:

It is NOT the same as throwing out a penalty, as the spurned spouse is not a referee! They are a player, not the ref.

You don't get face to face with the person, you don't throw "gasoline on the fire". You don't go where you do not know all the FACTS on the side of the OTHER party. What if his wife's "loverboy" is some psycho nut case, V and HE does not know?

I don't know what counselor you are talking about, but they are dead wrong, my friend. 

NO counselor would suggest outing, because it ALSO ruins child custody negotiations BECAUSE it creates MORE hard feelings and a desire to retaliate!

And a counselor is a counselor, they are not always right, thank God.

THIS is NOT freaking ROCKET SCIENCE, V.

You are letting YOUR own PERSONAL experience (whatever that was) to TAINT your ability to think logically on this point.

Do you have experience at having "outed" someone, V? It seems as if you were hurt terribly, and enjoyed outing someone, you appear to speak from experience.


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## Kayla (Jul 4, 2009)

Your wife has endured alot from you for 10 years. That's along time for any woman to be with a man let alone an alchoholic. I'm sure she is wounded far beyond what you can see and will take time. You said it yourself you have done it all to her and yet she stuck around. Now put yourself in her shoes for a second and feel her pain. That is a part of the healing process. She calls you for money and everything else because that's probably how your relationship has been, you haven't been present for emotionally. I suggest that you don't give up you owe her that much.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> V:
> 
> It is NOT the same as throwing out a penalty, as the spurned spouse is not a referee! They are a player, not the ref.
> 
> ...


nope, not personal experience. 

and you have nearly succeeded in hijacking this thread. my apologies to the op.

now, sandy, carry on with your agenda on your own. i will graciously bow out of this thread.

good luck, all.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Kayla said:


> Your wife has endured alot from you for 10 years. That's along time for any woman to be with a man let alone an alchoholic. I'm sure she is wounded far beyond what you can see and will take time. You said it yourself you have done it all to her and yet she stuck around. Now put yourself in her shoes for a second and feel her pain. That is a part of the healing process. She calls you for money and everything else because that's probably how your relationship has been, you haven't been present for emotionally. I suggest that you don't give up you owe her that much.


Agree with Kayla. Slow and steady, predicable, calm is what you need to show her...for a long time. I hope she gives you the opportunity before you give up or either of you throws in the towel.


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## RobertD (Jul 24, 2009)

Big Buck,
I am in no way an expert in separation or marital recovery but I can tell you a bit of my thoughts.

If you have admitted to doing wrong and you have admitted to being in love with your wife then I suggest that you do not give up.

Many times an individual will serve retalliatory abuse and controlling, hurtful behaviors because they have had enough of the treatment. You're saying that your wife spent 10 years in a very bad situation. I would suggest that you practice patience and do not rush to any action. Divorce will not help you roght now. it will just cost you money and create more pain and havoc. Plus, you may have substantial regrets because it may be a mistake.

"Stay calm while storms rage."

A seperation can actually save your marriage if you set some ground rules. Make an agreement not to have relations with anyone else, to each take some space and work on themselves. Communicate weekly to update the other and let them know that you still care.

I have made many of the mistakes that I am warning you against. By acting out on your frustration you are actually showing your wife that you are not changed. Altimatums are controlling and scary. It is the same behavior that she is so scared of.

This is just my view. I hope it helps.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Big buckeye,

I'm thinking that amongst the many, many mistakes you have made regarding your wife. you have driven her away from you by a lack of respect and a feeling that yo own her.

Is it possible now after a decade of driving away any shred of love from her that now, only now, when you are trying to get sober you want her back, to the point of territorial violence towards her new love interest, that you just want her as miserable as yourself?

Maybe you could show her the compassion and affection you held from her for so long by letting her go. Let her find it with someone who really loves her for herself, not as a possession.

Yeah, I know you are trying to recover as an addict, and you feel pain. 

Get that.

But you know what? You are not ready to express love an affection for anyone right now. You still want to punish and possess.

Work on fixing yourself .


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## bigbuckeyeguy25 (Jul 14, 2009)

All good points that I appreciate, but she does not want me to speak with her. I dont want to be around while she stays the night with friends and leaves my kids with relatives while she stays out all night doing whatever it is she does. So I no longer speak to her, I dont and wont answer the phone when she calls and the best thing for me to do is just move on. Since I stopped worrying about what she does and who she is with I sleep better at night. For the past month I have tossed and turned, waiting and hoping that I would get a call, and it would never come. I understand that she is hurt, but 2 wrongs dont make a right, so I am bowing out. I never want to unleash on another human being like I did that guy when he made the mistake of calling me. WHen I am angry like that I am an inch from drinking. Noone is worth my sobriety.


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## djohns2009 (Aug 10, 2009)

bigbuckeyeguy25 said:


> I understand and appreciate My problem is this though, I am madly in love with this woman, that much I know for sure. But, do I wait and hold out hope for a year maybe 2, or more, just to hear that she can not do it anymore?
> 
> -Dcrim I am from dayton as well.


Well I think if you have emotionally abused her and cheated, lied, etc.. yes.. if you want her then you wait for her. You have alot vested in it. You have children and you are in love with her. Wait for her because nothing bad can come from trying. It should be for her to decide. As for wanting money for your girls? yes you should give it to her. As for her calling to complain about others.. well that is a sign that she is, atleast a little, leaning on you. She is venting to you and that is a pretty big thing actually imo. a few years of waiting (if it IS that long) is nothing compared to 10 yrs she waited for you to sober up. 
Congrats on sobering up btw.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

"while she stays out all night doing whatever it is she's doing"

and the implication is...

"leaves the kids with relatives"

again the implication is....

let's get to it.

you're saying your wife is a bad mother and a *****.

and this from a man who's had how many affairs and is an alcoholic.

get humble grow up learn how to treat a woman right 

and geebus get sober.


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