# :::WARNING WARNING::: this will be long



## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

ok well first off let me introduce myself, hello my name is Alex and i have been married 8 years (i say 4 year but i will explain later).... Anyways we got married on Dec 13 2001 and sex was great and everything was ok (considering i was headed for prison) or so i thought.... well i went into prison on Feb 29 2003 and was released June 29 2006 and while i was in prison i realized how i was treating my wife before i went to prison and i promised myself and her that i would change and do everything in my power to make her happy... well i finally got released and i thought that i was going to have *A LOT* of sex the first week i was home but i didn't get anything sexual whatsoever so i thought to myself ok she needs a week to get to know me again ... meanwhile i adapted to the home life and i started to cook and clean and i adapted to what she wanted to do (meaning we did/watched whatever she wanted to do/watch) then the second and third week came and still nothing sexual so i actually started to wonder if i was doing something wrong i tried giving her hints, being blunt and being romantic but she just wasn't interested... so finally after a month i finally stopped doing things to make her happy and started doing things that would make me happy..... finally 2 weeks after that she finally had sex with me and i thought ok well it took a month and a half but finally she had sex with me so maybe we will do it again tomorrow (considering i lasted like 2 minutes lol) so i started to do things for her again but then i stopped cause i was not getting any sex.... :wtf: so lets think about this for a second....... so i was away from my wife for almost 4 years and my first 2 months that i was home i only had sex *2 TIMES!!!*

so now that we got that squared away lets talk more deeply about sex....
see i lost my virginity to my wife but i have learned alot by watching porn anyways my wife is (to be blunt) boring..... she dictates when, where, and how, she only likes missionary position, she REFUSES to be completely naked leaving her shirt and her bra on all the time, she does not like foreplay, she does not like to be kissed while we are having sex (cause its distracting), she does not like to try new positions, she will only have sex on the bed/in the bedroom nowhere else, she hates to be touched after she has (finished if you know my meaning) she will not take a shower with me, she does not instigate sex, she doesn't know the meaning of spontaneous, and last but certainly not least she waits sometimes for over a month and a half to finally have sex with me and all of this drives me insane....

now about the job and i will try to keep this short..... i have no job...... reason i have no job is because my resume sucks and my record sucks..... i have been turned down everwhere that i have gone from construction jobs, maintenance jobs, fast food places, blockbuster videos, k-mart, walmart, home depot etc.... hell i even got turned down for a part time job (working only 3- 5 hours a day 3 - 5 days a week) from a company that cleans up parking lots.... so how am i suppose to find a job with the market (thousands of people losing jobs) the way it is, my resume the way it is and my background the way it is???? that is the reason i do not work....

so to wrap this up basically my sex life sucks and i have said this before in front of my wife and i will say it again if the opportunity presented itself i would have a affair because i am not getting what i need from my wife and i feel like i am not wanted.... btw before i forget, my wife often tells me that if she didn't want me she would leave/have left me can someone please explain to her that you can love someone and still not want them or even still love them but not be in love with them...

 thank you very much for your time in reading this long post and thank you ahead of time for any and all assistance/advice....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Can you give us a clue about your crime? Are you violent?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I think it is really sad that you expected her to be faithful to you while you were incarcerated, but now you are considering being unfaithful.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

MarkTwain said:


> Can you give us a clue about your crime? Are you violent?


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

first off i just want to say thank you for reading my post and replying to it :smthumbup:



MarkTwain said:


> Can you give us a clue about your crime? Are you violent?


well i really prefer not to talk about my past but i will say that it was not a violent crime and it was a mistake i made in my life when i was younger and i learned alot from it and i will never ever do anything to go back........ in fact i believe somewhat that i am a pacifist because i have never had a fistfight in my entire life.... the most i have ever done is yell and punch walls lol.... 



StrongEnough said:


> I think it is really sad that you expected her to be faithful to you while you were incarcerated, but now you are considering being unfaithful.


ok first let me begin by saying thank you for your response and i really appreciate your feedback and second i never ever ever asked her to be faithful while i was in prison in fact i expected to die and after the first year (when i realized i was going to live/get thru this) i realized that she is waiting for me and i asked and begged her to find someone else because i knew that this was/is going to be rough and she is the 1 that decided to be faithful/stick by me and dont get me wrong i really appreciated it...


i hope that my answers to your question/feedback helps cause i really want to figure this out.... i have nobody to really talk to in person about this and it is just really frustrating... 

thanx again everyone for all of your responses i really do appreciate it :smnotworthy:


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

I cant answer all of your questions, But I can talk about what I know....
Im sure the reason she wants to keep part of her clothes on, and not shower with you, etc, is due to some sort of confidence issue. No matter how GREAT she looks to you, every woman has parts of her body that bother her. Even models. Some women, these things bother them even more. I used to be that way myseld until I realized that he was not the critic, I was. He LIKED how I look.
Have you ever told her you would like to try new things in the bedroom? Maybe buy one of those kama sutra books or self help sexual relationship books and have fun going through them together? I wouldnt rush into telling her she's boring to her face, but suggest spicing things up, and tell her YOU would like to try some new things, positions, etc. Find out what her size is, (make sure you dont make a mistake, that could be deadly!) and go out to even walmart and buy her some lingerie and tell her you saw it and couldnt stop picturing her in it. If things like that dont work then I guess youll have to try having a serious talk about what is going on and why she is like that in bed.
As for not having sex with you all that time. I'm stumped. You didnt say what your crime was but you are claiming it was non violent. You say in prison you realized how you mistreated her. How was that? she could be still holding a grudge about it, maybe she is trying to let it go but just cant. Is there anything you could have said or done that she could find so hard to forgive? Cheat? chat inapropriately? insult her somehow?
You talked a lot about what she does, but what does she say? Has she ever told you what bothers her? or what she wants? or why she is not interested sexually? If not, you really need to try to get an answer and maybe we can help you out more....Good luck with both of you....I hope things work out.


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

thank you for your response marlborolights (i am a newport man myself lol) 



marlborolights said:


> I cant answer all of your questions, But I can talk about what I know....
> Im sure the reason she wants to keep part of her clothes on, and not shower with you, etc, is due to some sort of confidence issue. No matter how GREAT she looks to you, every woman has parts of her body that bother her. Even models. Some women, these things bother them even more. I used to be that way myseld until I realized that he was not the critic, I was. He LIKED how I look.


wow i never even considered that... just for my curiosity why is that???? i mean 85% of men always chase after women so why do some women have confidence issues???



marlborolights said:


> Have you ever told her you would like to try new things in the bedroom? Maybe buy one of those kama sutra books or self help sexual relationship books and have fun going through them together?I wouldnt rush into telling her she's boring to her face, but suggest spicing things up, and tell her YOU would like to try some new things, positions, etc. Find out what her size is, (make sure you don't make a mistake, that could be deadly!) and go out to even walmart and buy her some lingerie and tell her you saw it and couldn't stop picturing her in it. If things like that don't work then I guess youll have to try having a serious talk about what is going on and why she is like that in bed.


well when i first came home i really didn't care about which position and foreplay all i cared about was getting laid but then i noticed that every single time we had sex the only position we ever did was missionary position... so then after a long time i mentioned doggy style and she complained and we started to argue.... so after that it seemed as though every time i mention a different position i will get a dirty look and a complaint and depending on how she feels maybe even an argument..... as far as getting a kama sutra book i did get 1 awhile ago it was called the joys of sex and i actually got it by accident and i showed it to my wife and i said maybe we can look at this together and try different positions and she said maybe well lets just say that never happened lol.... i never rushed into calling her boring because it took a long time for me hearing the different ways of her saying no and all of the arguments and i realized that in order to have sex with her it has to be her way or no way so finally i just snapped 1 day and said that she was lame and boring.... i have tried to talk to her several times in several different ways but i just cant get thru to her and it has gotten so bad that i don't even want to talk to her cause every time i see her i just want to rip her clothes off and have sex with her all day and all night...



marlborolights said:


> As for not having sex with you all that time. I'm stumped. You didnt say what your crime was but you are claiming it was non violent. You say in prison you realized how you mistreated her. How was that? she could be still holding a grudge about it, maybe she is trying to let it go but just cant. Is there anything you could have said or done that she could find so hard to forgive? Cheat? chat inapropriately? insult her somehow?
> You talked a lot about what she does, but what does she say? Has she ever told you what bothers her? or what she wants? or why she is not interested sexually? If not, you really need to try to get an answer and maybe we can help you out more....Good luck with both of you....I hope things work out.


well i basically treated her like crap.... when i first found out i was heading for prison i basically stopped caring cause like i said before i thought i was going to die in prison and i basically just cared about myself.... i never payed any attention to my wife or cared what she thought. i was basically living for myself and nobody else.... i have never cheated on her.... i did insult her when my grandmother died but i apologized the next day and begged her for forgiveness and she understood and accepted my apology.... every time i have asked her why she is not interested in sex the only answer i get is "i dont know" and i get the same answer when i ask her what she wants.... 1 thing i really dont understand is if i was doing something wrong and she told me to do it like this or do it like that i would try to do it that way so that she enjoys it but when i say babe try it like this or try it like that she gets offended and hurt.... i really just dont understand i just want a normal sex life nothing extreme....

thanx again for the response and i hope my reply helps you into helping me lol


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I am wondering if she cheated on you while you were in prison, and she feels guilty. That's why I asked if you were violent, because I did not want to wind you up


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

thank you for the response MarkTwain....

well in my humble opinion and also what she says is that she did not cheat on me... although when i came home i found a notebook with guys names and good points and bad points and i assumed she was cheating on me so i confronted her about it and she told me that it was a joke because her roommates/my ex friends were always in her business and always being nosey so according to her she did that list to teach them a lesson but all i have to go by is her word.... oh btw thanx for your concern about not winding me up but you, the forum and my wife have nothing to worry about cause like i said the farthest i have ever gone is by punching walls and doors and by yelling and screaming


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I would not write of the guilt thing too fast. I don't know how jealous a guy you are and if you can understand how a woman may crack after 3+ years of no lover. I would not expect my wife to remain celibate - in fact I would tell her point blank.

So if this is also your point of view, you could say, you understand, but you want to know and you wont get angry. 

You could even write a letter, and along the lines of "I'm really upset you don't want sex any more and I am wondering if you had an affair - if you did I'll understand, but we need to move past it"
blah blah blah.

This is also a sneaky way of showing how upset you are - it might just work.


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

thanx for the response MarkTwain



MarkTwain said:


> I would not write of the guilt thing too fast. I don't know how jealous a guy you are and if you can understand how a woman may crack after 3+ years of no lover. I would not expect my wife to remain celibate - in fact I would tell her point blank.


i am in no way a jealous guy in fact i dont have a jealous bone in my body unless she goes to far.... according to my wife in regards to sex she can live with it or she can live without it so thats why i believe that she did not cheat on me.... i also told her after i realized i was going to live that she should go out and have some fun and maybe even meet someone to take care of her needs and her response was anger, yelling and cursing and saying that she cant believe i would ever suggest something like that...


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

as far as insecure people go, if she is already insecure about her looks (remember, she might not state it but her actions show it--to you the love handle is barely even there, to her, it's a massive huge lump of something ugly--women can be very critical of themselves) it can go far beyond looks. Maybe she is making the mistake of taking your suggestions as critisisms? some people, no matter how you word it to them, or how nice you put it, when they are insecure take everything personally as an insult. To someone with confidence issues,, "Lets try something new in bed" can sound like "You're boring and you suck at sex".
If what you're saying is the absolute truth, then you two really need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Maybe writing a letter about how you feel will help, it did very much so for me. So many topics would lead to arguments and then fights that neither got to say what they really wanted to say.
She might still be holding a grudge against you, who knows? Maybe the way you claim to have mistreated her, got yourself in trouble, left her alone for 3 years having to deal with all the crap (not trying to make you feel bad just trying to see it through her eyes), is eating away at her. I think the dirty looks and such when you suggest something new, even a position, might be taken as some form of critisism, since you already told her your sex life sucks. It can hurt when a woman thinks she's doing ok in bed and then find out the whole time she has been "sucking.."
I will tell you one thing though. There is no such thing as "I dont know."
" I dont know" is what we women say when we DO KNOW but we just dont want to say what it is. Sometimes we dont want to start a fight, or hurt someones feelings, or seem childish, or be made fun of for feeling a certian way, and just give the old " I dont know". I cant tell you how many times Ive said I dont know but DID.
I dont see any woman really TRULY "not knowing" what she wants out of her marriage. I also dont believe she doesnt know why she doesnt want to have sex. Was she like this before you went to prison? 
I wouldnt overlook MT's question about her loyalty to you, as I did wonder the same thing myself. If you truly believe she has been loyal this whole time there is definately something bothering her and I highly suggest you write her a letter and tell her how you feel. And be careful how you word things...women hear things differantly than men do. You might wanna check out my "sex strike" experience here in the forums.
Good luck and I wish a world of happiness to you and your wife.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

clgfs32husband said:


> according to my wife in regards to sex she can live with it or she can live without it so thats why i believe that she did not cheat on me....


 I'm afraid you're mistaken here. Women will tell you all sorts of things... Did you check my article: Sexless Marraige? I'm afraid it's long and needs re-writing, but you might just find a section that applies to you and her. It also explains early on in the article that women who go off sex generally go of sex with one particular person, it has no bearing on how sexy they would find a stranger. It's a long article, but it might be worth wading through it.


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

dont listen to MT, the article is in no way long and needs no editing whatsoever, and I find his comment rather insulting as it was one of my favorites on his sight!!!!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Do you compliment her on her looks, etc.? If so, how does she respond? If she tends to say 'yeah, right' vs. 'Thanks  ' that is a pretty clear sign IMO (along with her not comfortable getting naked when you are in bed) that she is insecure about her looks. She may also be self-conscious about her abilities in bed and anything you say as far as sex being boring she will likely take personal.

If her issue is about not feeling confident, the idea of having sex can feel like pressure/stress and it may have nothing to do with what you are doing but more about her inability to 'let go'


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marlborolights said:


> dont listen to MT, the article is in no way long and needs no editing whatsoever, and I find his comment rather insulting as it was one of my favorites on his sight!!!!!


I took it round to a friend of mine who is a ghostwriter for famous people who can't string two words together without braking a sweat... and he found so many grammatical mistakes and issues - that it's a wonder I even know how to conduct my own marriage :rofl:


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

I know you said you dnt have a job, but have you thought about at least taking her out to a park, museum? try to reacquaint yourself with her. I mena 3 years is a long time a part. Start slow and dont pressure her into sex. You have to sort of play games with women. 

As a female, my husband has told me plenty of times he just wants to rip my clothes off and have sex with me all day. I sort of like to hear that. It makes me feel wanted especially when he tells me how beautiful I am to him and how much he loves me and wants me. So speak swet nothings in her ear....ot saying you dont but you gotta take it slow. Think of it as a dating period!

Also the prison time can de daunting. I mean I have my theories of what goes on there. I have a previous boyfriend who is locked up in there for 9 years now. I left him after one year and found my current husband. Ex-Boyfriend was hoping I would wait for him but I started to think about how long he may be in there, why should I wit and also the typeof sexual things that goes on in that place. I dont know if you succumbed to some of those things, participated or whathave you but that was a dealbreaker between me and ex. But do you and your wife talk, I mean really deep and intimate (not sexual) talk about everything? Do you two have kids? Did you have conjugal visits?


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

before i start replying i just want to say thank you very much for all of the replies, feedback and suggestions... it means so much to me that people that i don't even know take the time and patience to respond to my problems.... thank you so much from the bottom of my heart :smnotworthy::smnotworthy::smnotworthy::smnotworthy:




marlborolights said:


> If what you're saying is the absolute truth, then you two really need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Maybe writing a letter about how you feel will help, it did very much so for me. So many topics would lead to arguments and then fights that neither got to say what they really wanted to say.


i have been thinking about the letter idea but every time i think about it i start to think about the aftermath cause knowing my personality i wont hold back (cause i have taken so much in) and i am afraid that it might cause more problems than solve any problems....




marlborolights said:


> She might still be holding a grudge against you, who knows? Maybe the way you claim to have mistreated her, got yourself in trouble, left her alone for 3 years having to deal with all the crap (not trying to make you feel bad just trying to see it through her eyes), is eating away at her.



i know she still holds a grudge in fact i believe that she is bitter and resentful... cause sometimes when we argue and fight she will throw that it my face....




marlborolights said:


> I think the dirty looks and such when you suggest something new, even a position, might be taken as some form of critisism, since you already told her your sex life sucks. It can hurt when a woman thinks she's doing ok in bed and then find out the whole time she has been "sucking.."
> I will tell you one thing though. There is no such thing as "I dont know."



but what i don't understand is that if she thinks she is doing ok in bed how come when i mention a new position she gets uptight and a argument starts??? i knew whenever she said i don't know she was full of crap.... reason i say this is cause she says i don't know to everything.... thanx for the confirmation 




marlborolights said:


> I dont see any woman really TRULY "not knowing" what she wants out of her marriage. I also dont believe she doesnt know why she doesnt want to have sex. Was she like this before you went to prison?


that's the cherry on top of the Sunday lol what i mean by that is that before i went to prison sex was really good (showers together, different positions, fully naked, and sometime 2 - 3 times a week... then i went to prison and i remember i called her from prison 1 day and she told me that things are going to be different i said ok and thought nothing of it but when i came home i found out that she couldn't care less about sex and she said and i quote " i did all of those things just to shut you up because i knew you were going to prison and i didn't want to start anything" now every time we have a argument i always bring up bp (before prison)....



marlborolights said:


> And be careful how you word things...women hear things differantly than men do. You might wanna check out my "sex strike" experience here in the forums.


that's what i am afraid of saying the wrong thing and making the problems worse... i will take a look at the sex strike post as soon as i am done replying to everyone replies


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I'm afraid you're mistaken here. Women will tell you all sorts of things... Did you check my article: Sexless Marraige? I'm afraid it's long and needs re-writing, but you might just find a section that applies to you and her. It also explains early on in the article that women who go off sex generally go of sex with one particular person, it has no bearing on how sexy they would find a stranger. It's a long article, but it might be worth wading through it.


i did read up on it and it is very informative and i suggest EVERY MAN THAT IS MARRIED TO READ IT cause it will give some insight to the female mind in fact i plan on reading it again because when i first read it i i was already pissed off and then i started to read it and i became more pissed off cause i was thinking of my wife so basically i have to read it again with a clear and open mind




marlborolights said:


> dont listen to MT, the article is in no way long and needs no editing whatsoever, and I find his comment rather insulting as it was one of my favorites on his sight!!!!!


:iagree: to some point the only editing i would do is the misspelled words but i would not delete anything just my opinion 




swedish said:


> Do you compliment her on her looks, etc.? If so, how does she respond? If she tends to say 'yeah, right' vs. 'Thanks  ' that is a pretty clear sign IMO (along with her not comfortable getting naked when you are in bed) that she is insecure about her looks. She may also be self-conscious about her abilities in bed and anything you say as far as sex being boring she will likely take personal.
> 
> If her issue is about not feeling confident, the idea of having sex can feel like pressure/stress and it may have nothing to do with what you are doing but more about her inability to 'let go'


i always compliment her on her looks but she always say "yeah right" or "whatever" but the funny thing is is that she has long hair but doesnt do anything with it and i am always suggesting that she should do something with it so she would look even more beautiful but she always has an excuse for everything.... so with your comment about "sex feeling like pressure/stress" so what can i do about that??? 




American Arrogance said:


> I know you said you dnt have a job, but have you thought about at least taking her out to a park, museum? try to reacquaint yourself with her. I mena 3 years is a long time a part. Start slow and dont pressure her into sex. You have to sort of play games with women.



i always mention stuff like that... in fact i have mentioned several times to going to the beach with a blanket and a picnic basket with some food and some wine or champagne and when the moon is full (almost every woman's dream date) and she ALWAYS says but we don't have the money to do that and i always respond we don't need money to do that all we need is $10-15 to get the food and champagne and she says and i quote "that's not what i want to do i want to have enough money to go to the beach and go to a restaurant eat and get drunk and come home" 1 thing i have also tried was when i was in prison i wanted to start over so i called her and told her my plan which was basically to stop calling her and i basically meet her thru a pen pal service and that i wanted to get to know her better etc well i wrote a 3 page letter to her introducing myself and asking her questions like what her favorite color and food was etc and she replied with 2 answers and with this comment "babe this is dumb" so i tried again and didnt get a response and then stopped....





American Arrogance said:


> Also the prison time can de daunting. I mean I have my theories of what goes on there. I have a previous boyfriend who is locked up in there for 9 years now. I left him after one year and found my current husband. Ex-Boyfriend was hoping I would wait for him but I started to think about how long he may be in there, why should I wit and also the typeof sexual things that goes on in that place. I dont know if you succumbed to some of those things, participated or whathave you but that was a dealbreaker between me and ex. But do you and your wife talk, I mean really deep and intimate (not sexual) talk about everything? Do you two have kids? Did you have conjugal visits?



believe me i was approached several times but nothing happened... i basically told the people i hung out with and they advised me on what to do and 1 of the things was to ignore them and that's basically what i did... that's another thing that i have a problem with is talking to my wife cause every time i try to have a discussion with her she ALWAYS interrupts me and i cant stand that (its 1 of my pet peeves) and i always try to tell her not to interrupt me but she keeps on doing it and then she says "its a discussion and i talk when you pause or stop talking".... right now we dont have any kids and no there were no conjugal visits when i was in prison

thanks again everyone and like i always say i hope my answers help your answer find more answers 
btw i wanted to know can i post a picture of my wife or is it against the rules????


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

clgfs32husband said:


> i did read up on it and it is very informative and i suggest EVERY MAN THAT IS MARRIED TO READ IT cause it will give some insight to the female mind in fact i plan on reading it again because when i first read it i i was already pissed off and then i started to read it and i became more pissed off cause i was thinking of my wife so basically i have to read it again with a clear and open mind


When you have read it, let me know which bits apply to you, then we can go to town... 

At the moment, on top of any other dynamics you might have with her, I am thinking of two causes:

1)An affair.

2)She is resentful and partly angry at herself because she knew that marrying you was a ticket to 4 years of loneliness and celibacy.

You will need to be extra clever to catch sus this one out. But you are quite clever. and you have a sense of humour too - priceless


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

thanx again for the response MT

right now my wife came home and we got into it again while i was reading marlborolights sex strike and i got pissed off and right now i am just going to go for a walk cause i really dont want to see her or talk to her.... its funny cause i mentioned that she should post on here and she gave me some excuse which i ignored... anyways i am a real nice guy and have a great sense of humor but i come from a long line of stubborn relatives (mom, dad, grandmother's and grandfather) 

as far as the dynamics that you think i highly doubt that she is having an affair in fact i am 90% sure she is not but i do agree with number 2 i have always said she is resentful and bitter for me going to prison.... anyways i probably wont respond anymore today cause i need to get away but i will respond to everyone's responses tomorrow


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

I agree with MT's suspicions. However I dont believe her to be currently having one, but maybe she had a fling or two when you were gone...I dont know..I dont want to wrongly accuse the woman. I do empathize with her to a point.
As far as being interrupted and arguments starting, that was the best thing about a letter. You cant be interrupted. I know what you mean about not being able to hold back, but if you like you can send me a rough draft of your letter and I can somewhat edit it to be more "female /wife friendly" but still get the point across. Women do need to be spoken to and told things in a certian way. Like I said, we hear things differantly.
The woman is obviously seriously pissed with you. She is holding a lot against you and blaming you for a lot of things you might or might not deserve. However she needs to realize that things cannot continue this way and she needs to think what she wants out of this relationship and if she wants to continue. I think she does love you, because you said you cannot currently supprt her at the moment so I dont think she is using you or anything like that. But I do understand her resentment. Women can be silly at times in the aspect of comparing ourselves to others, friends, strangers, celebrities, etc. Because of the media every normal person thinks she is fat or ugly because we compare ourselves to them. Something we, well I do anyway, sadly is have a habit of comparing myself to my friends and strangers. She might be doing the same...ie.."How come Jane's husband can take her out for dancing and a movie and mine cant?" "How come jean's husband buys her gifts and mine doesnt?" "How come sally gets to go out and party and drink and we cant"....Resentment builds up that way rather quickly. But I noticed hanging out with people who had it worse than me really did make me appriciate my husband. I dont know if you read my strike post yet, but when I met my neighbor and heard of her story, I thought to myself, "Well Id rather have a husband who doesnt compliment me than one who tells me im ugly and fat and stupid like hers does.."
I think she is so angry at you, feels so neglected and maybe cheated by you cos of the whole going away for 3 years, being out of work, etc, that she isnt able to let it go....yet anyway. In your letter you need to ask her what she meant when she called you and said that things would be different, and why. You say pre-prision things seemed to be great sexually. I dont think she is worried about something happening to you in prison and you maybe catching something cos you said she already had sex with you twice.
Do I think she is handling this correctly? No. Do I think she has gone off sex? No. MT's article is great. very accurate and as a woman reading it I felt like he was talking about ME. But do I think she is holding something serious against you where it is affecting how she acts and feels towards you? Yes. I think she does love you, as she probably would not stay. (do you have kids?) And in life, the person you love the most is always the person who has the power to hurt you the most, wether they mean to or not.

but what i don't understand is that if she thinks she is doing ok in bed how come when i mention a new position she gets uptight and a argument starts???

Because she has confidence issues. When you suffer from lack of confidence everything sounds like a critisism. She thought she was doing ok in bed, when you suggested something new, she took it as "You're not satisfying me and im getting bored with you." Trust me I have been there!!!
Keep with the compliments. Dont say things like "You have such gorgeous hair I wish you would do this or that with it." Just say, "You have gorgeous hair." Say it enough times, and on her own account she will start doing something with it.
Truth me told, and this is kinda embarrassing, LOL...Ok, I weigh about 180 lbs and am 5'7 today. However when husband and Istarted dating and married, I weighed a wopping 305 lbs. yep.
Needless to say I was not very confident when he first met, as my previous husband was always belittling me, but after my first few months of dating him, MY GOD...did I change. All he did was compliment me. Tell me how ugly everyone was compared to me. Noticed every little new thing about me. Not only did he compliment my looks, but my personality, intelligence, told me women would make fun of me cos they were jealous of me, holy cow he was so good at it I started believing it. At 305 lbs Id walk into a room of skinny minnies and thought I OWNED the room. I thought they WERE jealous of me. I thought I truly was better looking than beyonce and jennifer lopez and those celebrities cos even when I would comment on how pretty a celeb was he would say "EW UGH MY GOD ok we obviously have different tastes". LOL of course now that I have lost that weight and look back at pictures of myself I go holy crap LOL what did people think of me...
But my point is, he never critisized a thing. Never a "but". Never a " I wish you would do this with your looks.." The confidence all his complimenting and attention gave me, made me WANT to take care of myself, WANT to dress up, do something with my hair...etc. Even when I used to call myself fat he would tell me I was just chubby. and when I started losing weight he always complimented me but said "You're beautiful at any size, but I love you this way and ifI ask you at a certian point to stop losing weight then you have to." I said ok. Well I lost like 120 lbs+ and he never asked lol.
Compliment her, do things for her, keep suggesting to go out and do stuff even if she says no. At least she will see youre taking interest. But I do reccomend you write the letter. A lot of times we assume our spouse knows how we feel but are shocked to find out they dont. Write her the letter, give it to her, leave. Leave for as long of a time as possible so she has time to think. And after that, ask her what is bothering her, what would she like to change. Has she put on weight since prison? Assure her that she looks amazing to you and you dont even know what flaws she is talking about it. MT was very accurate when saying a woman does not go off sex but off sex with that partner. Not that she is thinking about cheating, but she feels hurt and resentment towards the partner and for the woman that is a HUGE turn off. I started feeling that way for a long while. Its not that I didnt get horny...I just didnt get horny for HIM. But even after the letter, you need to talk or at least ask her to wrote one back to you, cos we want to know what is going throughher mind and what she is so upset about, so that we can fix it. We also need to find out cos that if we fix them, she will hopefully start feeling less resentment towards you which will mean more sex with you.
Please keep us posted and I'm serious about editing/helping with the letter if you want.



MT---Well I'm sure when you wrote the articles you werent focusing on the hollywood fanbase so tell your friend it was written for every day married people not celebs!!! Like their marriages last anyway. I'm serious buddy....Add a bit more articles...maybe some quizes....maybe lists of questions couples can ask each other/do together....and sell the damn thing even if it's just a pamphlet. I'd rather take the advice of someone who has been happily married for 20 years and going strong than a councler or psychiatrist who decided to write a book.


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

btw i wanted to know can i post a picture of my wife or is it against the rules???? 


I dont know if its against the rules but ASK HER first and let HER choose the picture. LOL sorry but if my husband put one of me online, even if it was a great pic, and I didnt know Id be real pissed. 
I dont think a pic is needed. I'm sure she is gorgeous, and the issues at hand have nothing to do with what she or you or me or MT or the kid next door looks like....but if you want to and its ok with her and the board I see no harm in it....?


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

Well I know I always shoot hubby down when he talks about doing stuff. I alwasy say "I dont want to do that, I am not interested." but in actuality i would he would STOP talking about doing something and just do it and surprise me. Sounds like you should do that with your wife. Just dont tell her what you are doing. Jut do it. If you plan everything out yourself, she really cant protest unless she is a *****...but I digress. I just say make your plans and just tell her get in the car. Or maybe you should just sit down with her and really ask her if she really wants to be married to you. Just think of like 7 questions to ask about how she feels about your marriage. Dont speak or give any opinions just let her do all the talking. Hear what she has to say. If she says nothing, (give her at least 20-30 mins to think about it) then you proceed to tell her how you feel. If she interrupts you, let her. When she is done continue on with what your point was. Everytime she interrupts you let her. Then proceed to make your original point. You might want to have a notepad with you as to write down some questions that comes to mind when she interrupts you. But never let her anger you, or coax you into arguing. 

The old saying is "Kill them with kindness" I'll admit sometimes we women can be *****es!


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

thank you for you responses everyone it means alot to me that people actually care..... see i have NOBODY to talk to in person about this... i tried talking to my mom and she told me that she doesnt want to hear it cause her blood pressure is bad... i have tried talking to my friends and 1 of them has his own family to worry about and the other one is a pothead and a drunk so that is why i come here cause you people actually are interested in helping me and you people actually care..... so once again thank you from the bottom of my hear and :smnotworthy::smnotworthy::smnotworthy:

now to the responses....

marlborolights thank you for your long post i read every word and understand what you are saying about women... i also read the first of the sex strike and my heart goes out to you i will finish reading it later.... see that is one of my problems my wife for some reason does not like affection she has sometimes gone 2 days without even hugging or kissing me (and i am not talking sex here just simple affection)...oh before i forget i accept your offer about helping/editing the letter that i write but i hope you dont get offended by the letter cause i will be writing with a hot head and a very broken heart so let me know if you offer is still on the table.... yeah i am not going to post a picture cause i told her that she should check this website out and i even asked her to register and post so she can talk about her feeling and when she saw that line about the picture she basically proceeded to rip me a new hole lol..... thats another thing i cant stand is that she wont even take pictures of herself.... 


American Arrogance thank you for your response....



American Arrogance said:


> Well I know I always shoot hubby down when he talks about doing stuff. I alwasy say "I dont want to do that, I am not interested." but in actuality i would he would STOP talking about doing something and just do it and surprise me. Sounds like you should do that with your wife. Just dont tell her what you are doing. Jut do it. If you plan everything out yourself, she really cant protest unless she is a *****...but I digress.


i have tried to do that before and she always has some sort of excuse... see she only wants to go out if we have the money.... i have been trying to tell her "to just make the best with what we got" and she always say well "thats not enough i want the options to do this and to do that" which always cost money.....



American Arrogance said:


> If she interrupts you, let her. When she is done continue on with what your point was.


ok i see your point but how can i get my point across when EVERY time she always interrupts me... so for example if i do your suggestion and i write down points i want to make and i am talking and she interrupts me i let her finish and i get back to trying to make my point and she interrupts me again and i try again and she interrupts me again...... see what i am saying if i let her finish her thought she will only think of something else and interrupt me again and it will be a cycle of insanity on my part cause i will need a straight jacket just to talk to her lmao

thanx again everyone for your replies and i hope my replies help your replies get more replies


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

Yes the offer is still on the table. Suffering from bad insomnia these last couple of months so it will give me something to do late at night.
I also like you have no one I can talk to these things about. If I talk to my mom she would have hated my husband and made things worse, and I dont have any friends where I live currently so my only way of actually getting it all out was to post things here. I like you was touched by everyone's replies, especially the ones who told me what I was doing wrong and how to fix it.
PM me the letter when you are done. No rush. Dont hold back. I've been told I'm quite good at these things, and I remember quite a few friends in my past would actually ask me to write their love letters/ sms for them, and also "you've hurt me" letters.
I'm not sure you'll be thrilled with what I edit/add to it, but please go with me on the fact that as someone who used to be, and still is to a small point, an insecure woman, I think I have a good idea on how to word things so that she would find them acceptable and not see them as a personal attack towards her.
Good luck. Keep us posted and I hope your wife joins too. She could benefit a lot.


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

thank you so much for your reply and i am going to get started on the letter right now.... it might take me a couple days to get everything i want out but eventually i will get it typed out lol


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Do you think your wife resents you for things going on recently? I know you said you treated her badly in the past, but if she is working she would probably appreciate your help around the house. You said something like you did that but didn't get sex so then stopped, etc....this can really backfire on you...if I were her, I would start to feel like you are trading helping out for sex but in reality, you should be doing most of the stuff around the house if you don't have kids and she is out working...this would be for her, because you appreciate what she's doing and want to help her...using it as a bargaining chip will only make her think that you don't value her enough to want to do things just for her and it will just build resentment...if it were me in her shoes anyway...that would be the fastest way to put me off wanting sex.


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

thank you for your reply swedish

i used to do the housework and sometimes i still do but here is the deal i would clean the whole house everyday and i would get a thank you but then when i tried to start something she would always push me away the what made me stop doing the housework is that she never ever did anything to help me as far as the housework and i am not saying clean the whole house but if you feel like eating a bowl of cereal and watching tv at least have the decency to put it in the sink when you are done.... basically i would clean the whole house and then the room would be littered with plates, cups, silverware and bowl and i asked her to please when you are finished to put it in the sink and she just ignored my request then on top of that lets talk about the bathroom trash can she never empties it and i never use it i use and sometimes my dog gets to her umm monthly waste and i walk into the bathroom and what do i find on the floor yep you guessed it her waste for me to see and for me to pick up so after that i said no more!!! i am not going to be her maid no more...

thanx again for you reply


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

please resend me the rough draft. Sorry. Dont know what happened.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> At the moment, on top of any other dynamics you might have with her, I am thinking of two causes:
> 
> 1)An affair.
> 
> 2)She is resentful and partly angry at herself because she knew that marrying you was a ticket to 4 years of loneliness and celibacy.





clgfs32husband said:


> well i basically treated her like crap.... when i first found out i was heading for prison i basically stopped caring cause like i said before i thought i was going to die in prison and i basically just cared about myself.... i never payed any attention to my wife or cared what she thought. i was basically living for myself and nobody else.... i have never cheated on her.... i did insult her when my grandmother died but i apologized the next day and begged her for forgiveness and she understood and accepted my apology....





clgfs32husband said:


> that's the cherry on top of the Sunday lol what i mean by that is that before i went to prison sex was really good (showers together, different positions, fully naked, and sometime 2 - 3 times a week... then i went to prison and i remember i called her from prison 1 day and she told me that things are going to be different i said ok and thought nothing of it but when i came home i found out that she couldn't care less about sex and she said and i quote " i did all of those things just to shut you up because i knew you were going to prison and i didn't want to start anything"



Somewhere in the above quotes, you have clues. Now get sniffing!


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

clgfs,
I'm very sorry and I dont know how or what happened but the rough draft is no longer in my inbox. Please resend it to me as soon as you can. Sorry again.


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

well here is a update for everyone me and the mrs have been fighting like cats and dogs anyways to make this short i came home and she was in my room (yes we sleep in different rooms) and i basically was up front with her in what i wanted and i told her she needs to make a choice either be happy with me and have a fun filled marriage or be miserable and make me miserable and have arguments, fights, hearing door slams, crying etc... i told her think long and hard because you will have to live with whatever decision you make and ultimately you are the one that has to make this decision not me.... i cant make this decision for you and even if i could i wouldnt.... well after all that i said i went to use the bathroom and i came back and she was gone so i am now playing the waiting game to see what she chooses... i will keep everyone posted....

thanx again for everyone's advice... it means the world to me....


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

Look.....try to stay out of each others way for a while...theres so much emotion building up that its becoming overpowering...I think ya'll need some cooling off time. When she comes home, leave each other alone for the night.


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

thanx for the reply 

i already do that... i try to stay out of her way but we always end up getting crossing paths and she will say something to me and i will respond... its really hard to stay away from each other when you cant get away


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

Okay. Try not to converse then.
It is past 2 am my time, and I am still waiting for you to resend the rough draft if you still have it. Please let me know if it will be resent to me tonight or if you need to re-write and again I am VERY sorry I dont know what the hell happened.


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## clgfs32husband (Jan 31, 2009)

oh i replied with a pm asking if you got it well i guess not i will resend now


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

I sent you the edited version, pls let me know if you got it.


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