# Just Down



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I feel adrift. And, not in a good way. My wife and I communicate a few words every day about nothing important, but the remaining fire/spark between us is dwindling at a faster pace. And, as time passes, I question the point of talking to her at all out of fear that I will get hurt again. I don't see any silver lining in the clouds...

I just feel hopeless at the situation. I'm not ready to move on, find someone else, etc. At the same time, I'm not happy myself (being myself, being by myself).

I flip through a range of emotions: from sadness to hopelessness, from contentment to worry, from confusion to denial.

Overall, it's not a good feeling. I'm less productive at work, less organized at home, just going through the motions of life in order to provide for my children.

Thank goodness I have IC today.


Anyone else struggle with the lingering ripples?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I struggle everyday with the lingering ripples. I am no contact except for the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Jayb Im sorry you are feeling down today  It didn't really start to get better for me till i cut all non business/kid related contact and for a month or two. I still have my hard days or weeks but its been getting better, less of a rollercoaster. Have you been able to find an activity to take your mind off things? That has really helped me.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> I feel adrift. And, not in a good way. My wife and I communicate a few words every day about nothing important, but the remaining fire/spark between us is dwindling at a faster pace. And, as time passes, I question the point of talking to her at all out of fear that I will get hurt again. I don't see any silver lining in the clouds...
> 
> I just feel hopeless at the situation. I'm not ready to move on, find someone else, etc. At the same time, I'm not happy myself (being myself, being by myself).
> 
> ...


You pretty much summed up my feelings. Some days i can't describe how I feel other than just numb. My advice is definitely not date if you are not ready....work strictly on you and you getting a life....i was told in the mean time let her live her life...if she comes back it will only be a bonus because in the meantime you worked on getting your own life and if she doesn't come back, you still have a life. 

I know its hard but remember you are special and there is a great purpose for your exisistence. You can and will function in life with or with out her. I know its easier to say than do but you really got to work on you. 

I don't know your religious background but that Divorce Care (Christian based program) for divorced and separated people is helping me tremendously. I'm meeting really good hearted people there that really care about me. I suggest Googling it and looking in your area for a church that offers it. I wouldn't suggest it if i didn't see positive results from it.

Hang in there. Do me a favor and do one nice thing for yourself or even a stranger today....it will do wonders for your sole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I have to become more active in looking at and attending divorce support groups.

Numb. Yes, that too. I think it'd be a tiny inch better to handle if I were secure myself (not depressed individually), had an existing network of friends, more confident/assertive, satisfied.

But, facing all of this at once is disturbing.

I was ables to snap myself out of a funk faster this am upon waking than I have in the past. That is progress, right?


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm right there with you, Jay. Last night I was out with a friend for dinner and afterwards, about 11pm, I decided I'd stop by my place even though I'm not staying there anymore and its just full of boxes.
I spent about half an hour just wandering, no, moping around the house. Thinking of all the good times we'd had there. Then I did something really stupid. I haven't decided what to do with my wedding ring yet, so its just sitting in a drawer over there. I took it out and put it on. So stupid.
As I looked at my hand at first I was smiling, it felt right you know? I'd worn that thing proudly for four and a half years! Its a plain gold band and its beat to hell from working on cars and the such. That always made me feel good, thought that it showed some sort of, I don't know, true commitment that I'd never take it off for any reason. But then it hit me like a ton of brick that it didn't mean anything anymore. That she threw everything that that ring represented away in the most horrible and harsh ways possible. I ended up on the floor crying for I don't know how long. 
Worst breakdown I've had in a few weeks. Just that feeling of loss/rejection that I'm sure all of us have experienced. This morning I'm feeling like you, adrift. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that its been one month since I served her and tomorrow will be one month since we signed and I saw her for the last time. I still get urges to try and contact her, but they aren't as strong as they were. I still have anxiety issues, I still struggle with the "mind movies". My emotions are all over the place from super happy and content with where things are heading in my life, to, like last night, complete dispair.
All I know is that this can't last. It just can't. Human beings aren't designed to endure this kind of torment forever, so eventually you recover and will likely be stronger because of it.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

SRN said:


> I'm right there with you, Jay. Last night I was out with a friend for dinner and afterwards, about 11pm, I decided I'd stop by my place even though I'm not staying there anymore and its just full of boxes.
> I spent about half an hour just wandering, no, moping around the house. Thinking of all the good times we'd had there. Then I did something really stupid. I haven't decided what to do with my wedding ring yet, so its just sitting in a drawer over there. I took it out and put it on. So stupid.
> As I looked at my hand at first I was smiling, it felt right you know? I'd worn that thing proudly for four and a half years! Its a plain gold band and its beat to hell from working on cars and the such. That always made me feel good, thought that it showed some sort of, I don't know, true commitment that I'd never take it off for any reason. But then it hit me like a ton of brick that it didn't mean anything anymore. That she threw everything that that ring represented away in the most horrible and harsh ways possible. I ended up on the floor crying for I don't know how long.
> Worst breakdown I've had in a few weeks. Just that feeling of loss/rejection that I'm sure all of us have experienced. This morning I'm feeling like you, adrift. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that its been one month since I served her and tomorrow will be one month since we signed and I saw her for the last time. I still get urges to try and contact her, but they aren't as strong as they were. I still have anxiety issues, I still struggle with the "mind movies". My emotions are all over the place from super happy and content with where things are heading in my life, to, like last night, complete dispair.
> All I know is that this can't last. It just can't. Human beings aren't designed to endure this kind of torment forever, so eventually you recover and will likely be stronger because of it.



I hear you.

After we separated, my wife's ring just disappeared. I have no idea where it went. I put mine on a few weeks ago and was tempted to wear it just to fit in with "everyone." Then, I took it off. Now, I just think about how much I'll get when I sell it because I need cash.

I wish we could have seen the warning signs way back when. Maybe it would have helped us prepare for these times.

I don't know how my wife processes our situation these days. I assume she hurts, is sad, has regrets, guilt too, but handles it differently. Over a year ago, when I thought things were fine, her hair was regularly falling out. So, we all face stress, just differently.

Everyone says it gets better eventually. I just don't see how or when--knowing how enwrapped I was........or thought I was. Maybe that's just it. Maybe I imagined a far more healthier love/marriage than really existed. Maybe my love wasn't as strong as I ascribe to it.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Jayb said:


> I hear you.
> 
> After we separated, my wife's ring just disappeared. I have no idea where it went. I put mine on a few weeks ago and was tempted to wear it just to fit in with "everyone." Then, I took it off. Now, I just think about how much I'll get when I sell it because I need cash.
> 
> ...


Its not so much that I wish I'd picked up on the warning signs, its more that I wish our wives had been up front with us. By the time the signs started showing up, it's too late I think.

Interesting that your wifes hair was falling out, my ex started grinding her teeth at night. She mentioned that she doesn't do that any more now that she's "happy" one of the times we talked a month ago. Made me feel just great.

I think thats the problem with those of us that were betrayed, we thought everything was going well while our wives were plotting and planning and preparing. So now we have to try to get to the point that they were at when they dropped the bomb on us before we can move on.

I also sometimes wonder how she's handleing it. She was always a very emotional person privately. She put up a great front of being strong, but in private she'd get very emotional. I imagine that for the past couple months she's just been focusing on being "happy" with her new life, but I think thats probably going to break down after a bit. But I don't really want to know, and I need to get to not caring either.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

SRN said:


> Its not so much that I wish I'd picked up on the warning signs, its more that I wish our wives had been up front with us. By the time the signs started showing up, it's too late I think.
> 
> Interesting that your wifes hair was falling out, my ex started grinding her teeth at night. She mentioned that she doesn't do that any more now that she's "happy" one of the times we talked a month ago. Made me feel just great.
> 
> ...



You're right, maybe by the time the signs show up, it is too late. 

OUR MC said we cannot be friends at this time because we are at 2 separate places on the long path so that neither of us can relate to one another.

And, yes, we have to deal with it, become disengaged, etc., all the while against our will! Afterall, we are the ones who want to stay. Our wives disengaged and withdrew because they wanted to and chose to. Now, we have to, only out of necessity.

Eventually, we'll get to the indifferent place. And, I have a hunch that when I'm there, I'll be there forever, no matter what, aka - not ever coming back.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

jayb and others,

i teared up just reading the entries you posted. i have my wedding ring on my dresser and see it every day before i head to work and i just have a sick feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat whenever i see it. yet i refuse to hide it away. i want to get to a point that i am strong enough to see it, recognize and acknowledge the good and bad parts of my marriage, and then go about my day relatively unscathed. i'm not there yet obviously. meanwhile, my stbxw has her ring somewhere in a pocket of one of her pants in the closet and is in europe w/o even bringing it. i can't stand it.

i can't stand being by myself and whenever i can, i go to a starbucks or panera or something just to have noise and bustle around me. being alone at home with nothing but reminders of my marriage is still too much to take. but then i see couples come in to starbucks and i can't take that either. i thought i'd get better with the realization that she's not coming back, but it's all i can think about. 

i don't know what advice to give, but just wanted to let you all know you are not alone and that there are others on this forum that can truly empathize.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

actually one thing that has helped me a little is to volunteer for a good cause. getting your mind off of things while doing things in the service of others who may be less fortunate gives you some positive energy and also gives some perspective on things.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jay and for those of you who have been down how long have you been separated? 

I get down, but it's not about missing him any more but about the situation he has forced us to be in. I have been separated for almost 5 months and he has recently pulled some stuff that has made my 'switch' turn off and I am done... just as he said he was. I am moving on... 

Is there a way to find out if they just totally have disappointed or ended something for you? If you can change your mind set and not make excuses for your spouses for their poor behavior maybe you can get to a good place. 

We are worth more than what the dumpers have made us feel lately. I guess, I still need some validation from outside of ME but it's getting better. 

What have they done to destroy you? Focus on that... it may help you reach the "it's over" stage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> actually one thing that has helped me a little is to volunteer for a good cause. getting your mind off of things while doing things in the service of others who may be less fortunate gives you some positive energy and also gives some perspective on things.


I was called by a buddy of mine last week to see if I was interested in becoming a den leader for a Cub Scout pack. I was a Cub Scout and a Boy Scout and I loved it. I'm thinking seriously about it. I need to focus on something positive and this may be the ticket.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> What have they done to destroy you? Focus on that... it may help you reach the "it's over" stage.


Once you get to that "it's over", TRULY over stage, it's a huge weight off your shoulders. Now, I get sad, but it's not as all consuming. 

The ONLY way I got to that point is A). IC and support group, B). stopping contact unless it was regarding the kids or other business and C). asking him if this is without a doubt 100% what he wanted - divorce and getting a confirmation. With this, I am able to focus on my future. My kids' futures. Things to look forward to. And I can REALLY look forward to stuff! Without getting sad anymore that we are not a family. I'm feeling super empowered lately. To know that I'm in control of my life and my future is amazing. I'm not going to deny that I have low points, and that I will continue to have them for years to come.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I was called by a buddy of mine last week to see if I was interested in becoming a den leader for a Cub Scout pack. I was a Cub Scout and a Boy Scout and I loved it. I'm thinking seriously about it. I need to focus on something positive and this may be the ticket.


On the weekends that I don't have my son, I volunteer at the SPCA....I take a dog to an adoption event or something like that. It always makes me feel good to help find an animal a home.

It also is good to get out and meet new people.

You have a great opportunity to explore new outlets and find a new and fulfilling niche for yourself.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

good stuff bandit. i'm doing volunteer work at food bank NYC, but i was also thinking of volunteering to help at some local summer soccer camps in the coming months. dust off the old cleats and get some exercise while helping out sounds 'win-win'.

mama, my stbxw and i have been separated for 2 months now. i still find myself making excuses for her, although i'm getting a little more resentful and callous in recent days/weeks. i'm not sure if that's the right way to get over things...


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I've been reading these post on this thread,heartbreaking.My wife disconnected with me also,had a four mont EA with her ex-hs boyfriend,she even met him a few times,no nothing happened,hugs and some quick pecks on the cheeks,trust me,the exchange of I love yous really hurt me,I kicked her out she stayed with relatives,she's been back 10 weeks now,lately I've been feeling indifferent to her,like I dont want her and the whole time she is doing everything she can to make us whole again,I actually think I enjoy seeing her in pain,pay back you know?
She wants to talk and have some physical attention.Me? Nope being to damn stubborn.I worked so hared to get her back now I'm pushing her away,I think I want reveng but after reading what has been posted here I see I'm acting like a damn idiot and if I keep it up I'm going to regret this big time.I'm being a damn fool,I wish you all the best,I'm going to go lay my head on her lap and get a head massage.I'm one of the lucky ones. Way too much hurt here,what the hell am I thinking?Good luck guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

jpr said:


> On the weekends that I don't have my son, I volunteer at the SPCA....I take a dog to an adoption event or something like that. It always makes me feel good to help find an animal a home.
> 
> It also is good to get out and meet new people.
> 
> You have a great opportunity to explore new outlets and find a new and fulfilling niche for yourself.


Ohhhh.....I like that volunteer idea. Maybe I'll check out our local shelter....only problem is I will need to for myself to not bring more strays home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> I've been reading these post on this thread,heartbreaking.My wife disconnected with me also,had a four mont EA with her ex-hs boyfriend,she even met him a few times,no nothing happened,hugs and some quick pecks on the cheeks,trust me,the exchange of I love yous really hurt me,I kicked her out she stayed with relatives,she's been back 10 weeks now,lately I've been feeling indifferent to her,like I dont want her and the whole time she is doing everything she can to make us whole again,I actually think I enjoy seeing her in pain,pay back you know?
> She wants to talk and have some physical attention.Me? Nope being to damn stubborn.I worked so hared to get her back now I'm pushing her away,I think I want reveng but after reading what has been posted here I see I'm acting like a damn idiot and if I keep it up I'm going to regret this big time.I'm being a damn fool,I wish you all the best,I'm going to go lay my head on her lap and get a head massage.I'm one of the lucky ones. Way too much hurt here,what the hell am I thinking?Good luck guys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have hurt too you are dealing with. We all heal at our own pace. If you truly love her just don't hurt back....you won't gain anything from it but more anger. 

Enjoy your head massage.... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

calvin, i would give anything to be in the position you are in, with a wayward spoue that is trying to R. 

that being said, while i certainly don't think you should seek revenge or go out of your way to emotionally hurt your spouse, i also think it wouldn't be right to totally discount the feelings of resentment/revenge you have. you have been hurt and you have the right to feel something because of that. i don't know the best way to get those out in the open without causing a fracas, but i can't imagine it is healthy to just repress those either.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

calvin said:


> ....lately I've been feeling indifferent to her,like I dont want her and the whole time she is doing everything she can to make us whole again,I actually think I enjoy seeing her in pain,pay back you know?
> She wants to talk and have some physical attention.Me? Nope being to damn stubborn.I worked so hared to get her back now I'm pushing her away,I think I want reveng but after reading what has been posted here I see I'm acting like a damn idiot and if I keep it up I'm going to regret this big time.I'm being a damn fool,I wish you all the best,I'm going to go lay my head on her lap and get a head massage.I'm one of the lucky ones. Way too much hurt here,what the hell am I thinking?Good luck guys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin...

You have got to ... got to... got to get into individual counseling! You most likely have PTSD, and its going to destroy all the progress you've made if you do not deal with the mind games.

Your wife was never loved that prick. She was in a delusional state... a dopamine fog. She was not in her right mind. It was all an illusion. The love she feels for you now is real. Now its up to you to control _your_ mind. You are the one who is now in the fog...the fog of your own anger. You must let it go.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Calvin...
> 
> You have got to ... got to... got to get into individual counseling! You most likely have PTSD, and its going to destroy all the progress you've made if you do not deal with the mind games.
> 
> Your wife was never loved that prick. She was in a delusional state... a dopamine fog. She was not in her right mind. It was all an illusion. The love she feels for you now is real. Now its up to you to control _your_ mind. You are the one who is now in the fog...the fog of your own anger. You must let it go.


Good post....I agree....get counseling to help you deal with it before the R falls apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> jayb and others,
> 
> i teared up just reading the entries you posted. i have my wedding ring on my dresser and see it every day before i head to work and i just have a sick feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat whenever i see it. yet i refuse to hide it away. i want to get to a point that i am strong enough to see it, recognize and acknowledge the good and bad parts of my marriage, and then go about my day relatively unscathed. i'm not there yet obviously. meanwhile, my stbxw has her ring somewhere in a pocket of one of her pants in the closet and is in europe w/o even bringing it. i can't stand it.
> 
> ...


I struggle being alone too. Over the past years, I isolated myself from others, over-relying on my wife and children for friendship. Now, it's like I'm starting over. Have to go out and find friends, while at the same time go through this.

Volunteering is an excellent idea. At least it'll make me feel better to help others.

@mama - 9 months (separated late July 2011)


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> I've been reading these post on this thread,heartbreaking.My wife disconnected with me also,had a four mont EA with her ex-hs boyfriend,she even met him a few times,no nothing happened,hugs and some quick pecks on the cheeks,trust me,the exchange of I love yous really hurt me,I kicked her out she stayed with relatives,she's been back 10 weeks now,lately I've been feeling indifferent to her,like I dont want her and the whole time she is doing everything she can to make us whole again,I actually think I enjoy seeing her in pain,pay back you know?
> She wants to talk and have some physical attention.Me? Nope being to damn stubborn.I worked so hared to get her back now I'm pushing her away,I think I want reveng but after reading what has been posted here I see I'm acting like a damn idiot and if I keep it up I'm going to regret this big time.I'm being a damn fool,I wish you all the best,I'm going to go lay my head on her lap and get a head massage.I'm one of the lucky ones. Way too much hurt here,what the hell am I thinking?Good luck guys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand. I'm at the point now where I wouldn't even know what to say if she was willing to reconcile and work on it. I've been hurting for so long.

And, if she did return, I'd question everything, and pretty much relive this past year, from another perspective. 

That said, my prayer is that we reconcile. However, I am no where near as optimistic or hopeful as I once was. That hope cup is draining into the move-on cup.

But, I'd treasure the chance to be back with my wife if I knew she were willing to really commit to fixing our marriage.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> I understand. I'm at the point now where I wouldn't even know what to say if she was willing to reconcile and work on it. I've been hurting for so long.


I shared with the Pastor at the church where I go for DC that I was starting to feel strangely uncomfortable around him. I avoid him at all costs. No reconciliation could ever result from that but feel it is what it is and at this point I'm only starting to just tire from the process. I began praying that communication opens up for us but I'm beginning to think the end is nearer.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Ohhhh.....I like that volunteer idea. Maybe I'll check out our local shelter....only problem is I will need to for myself to not bring more strays home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sad I would totally have the same problem!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

unsure78 said:


> Sad I would totally have the same problem!


At least I'd have lots of faithful love. My dogs been by my side for 15 years. He still follows me around the house and loves me unconditionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> i can't stand being by myself and whenever i can, i go to a starbucks or panera or something just to have noise and bustle around me. being alone at home with nothing but reminders of my marriage is still too much to take. but then i see couples come in to starbucks and i can't take that either. i thought i'd get better with the realization that she's not coming back, but it's all i can think about.


Yes, this. I have found that I can't stand being alone, but hate being out for the same reasons. Its so bizaar. I have gotten in the expensive habit of going out with friends practically night just to be social, but when i'm out and I see the happy couples, I feel sick and start to mope. Its annoying.
I think we might be feeling this way because we haven't _fully_ realized that our wives are gone for good. Yes, we understand that, but there is still that hope. Once we truly, deep down, realize that there is none, thats when these things will stop bothering us.



Mamatomany said:


> Jay and for those of you who have been down how long have you been separated?


She left almost three months ago. Papers signed a month ago today. I went from preceiving a happy marriage to it being over in 58 days. It was brutal how quickly she moved to shred me.



gear1903 said:


> calvin, i would give anything to be in the position you are in, with a wayward spoue that is trying to R.


Would you though? I mean I still have thoughts, lots of them, about how much I would like her back, but then I remember what happened. Remember that she went from being my loving wife to being a filthy *****, that she treated me with contempt and no remorse, treated me like a stranger at the end. Would I want that back? That would be a HUGE black cloud hanging over us forever. And she's burned, no, nuked so many bridges with friends and family that if I did take her back I don't think any of those people who have been so supportive of me through this would have any respect for me anymore. I doubt half the people here on TAM would! Would that be worth it? Really think about it.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

SRN said:


> Yes, this. I have found that I can't stand being alone, but hate being out for the same reasons. Its so bizaar. *I have gotten in the expensive habit of going out with friends practically night just to be social, but when i'm out and I see the happy couples, I feel sick and start to mope.* Its annoying.
> I think we might be feeling this way because we haven't _fully_ realized that our wives are gone for good. Yes, we understand that, but there is still that hope. Once we truly, deep down, realize that there is none, thats when these things will stop bothering us.
> 
> 
> ...



In the past, I used to go out and drink. Just to be around others at night. To avoid being alone. That got expensive quick. I then tolerated being alone at night by drinking. That was money too. Now, I'm training myself at being alone, without drinking. Been doing that for months. It's hard, but is doable. Eventually, I'll be strong enough to be comfortable and not be bothered.

I look around at couples and wonder how they can be happy. Maybe they just aren't at a critical point like we were. Don't all couples face some major hardship in their relationships at some point? Then, I compare my willingness to improve relationships to friends and other people who are miserable in their relationships. How come I'm not in a relationship. This thinking spirals. It can get out of hand, but eventually, it runs its course.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> In the past, I used to go out and drink. Just to be around others at night. To avoid being alone. That got expensive quick. I then tolerated being alone at night by drinking. That was money too. Now, I'm training myself at being alone, without drinking. Been doing that for months. It's hard, but is doable. Eventually, I'll be strong enough to be comfortable and not be bothered.
> 
> I look around at couples and wonder how they can be happy. Maybe they just aren't at a critical point like we were. Don't all couples face some major hardship in their relationships at some point? Then, I compare my willingness to improve relationships to friends and other people who are miserable in their relationships. How come I'm not in a relationship. This thinking spirals. It can get out of hand, but eventually, it runs its course.


I'm the opposite....I'd rather be alone....I have to force myself out because one needs to get out too.

I read that statics show that 80% of married couples separated for a period of time in their lives. Seems high but after seeing how many come on here it doesn't surprise me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Jayb said:


> In the past, I used to go out and drink. Just to be around others at night. To avoid being alone. That got expensive quick. I then tolerated being alone at night by drinking. That was money too. Now, I'm training myself at being alone, without drinking. Been doing that for months. It's hard, but is doable. Eventually, I'll be strong enough to be comfortable and not be bothered.
> 
> I look around at couples and wonder how they can be happy. Maybe they just aren't at a critical point like we were. Don't all couples face some major hardship in their relationships at some point? *Then, I compare my willingness to improve relationships to friends and other people who are miserable in their relationships. How come I'm not in a relationship.* This thinking spirals. It can get out of hand, but eventually, it runs its course.


Its not so much drinking, its food, movies, laser tag (yes, laser tag. Who would have thought?), go karts. That stuff. I know that when I'm alone, particularly when I was at "our" place after she left, I'd just end up in the downward spiral emotionally. Maybe once I get into the new place I'll be more content at being alone.

And helping with relationships... crazy. It's like I've become some sort of guru. I see all this crap and tell it to friends and that go, "Holy sh!t! You're right." And then I get depressed because I learned about that through the failure of my relationship.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> I'm the opposite....I'd rather be alone....I have to force myself out because one needs to get out too.
> 
> I read that statics show that 80% of married couples separated for a period of time in their lives. Seems high but after seeing how many come on here it doesn't surprise me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, my next hurdle is going out alone and being comfortable with it. I don't have close friends who I can hang with on a regular basis. It's just me by myself.

That number does seem high. Who knows? There does seem to be an attitude of, "if you aren't happy, leave." In my mind, divorce wasn't an option.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Well, my next hurdle is going out alone and being comfortable with it. I don't have close friends who I can hang with on a regular basis. It's just me by myself.
> 
> That number does seem high. Who knows? There does seem to be an attitude of, "if you aren't happy, leave." In my mind, divorce wasn't an option.


I'm a bit of a loner too. I had to go out and force myself to make friends. Now I have quite a few. 

Try joining some clubs or social groups. There are lots out there.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> Ohhhh.....I like that volunteer idea. Maybe I'll check out our local shelter....only problem is I will need to for myself to not bring more strays home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


...it is a special feeling when you help to find a homeless dog or cat a new home. It is like you are sort of creating a new family. Not only are you saving the life of a homeless animal, but you are bringing unconditional love and faithfulness someone else's home.

Animal rescue is something I am passionate about, but I know that there are so many ways that we all can help improve the world around us. When my ex-husband left me, I felt pretty useless and pretty much like a failure. For months prior to him leaving, I was so focused on how I wasn't good enough for him....and on how I was failing him. I put so much energy into our relationship, and then he left. 

My self-esteem took a huge hit. So, I really stepped up the volunteer work because, selfishly, it made me feel valued and needed. It made me feel "of use". I really helped my self-esteem.

It is all a process, and when we are hurting, I think it is good to try to find healthy things that make us feel good--like working out, doing home improvement projects, and helping others.

It makes us more attractive too!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

SRN said:


> Its not so much drinking, its food, movies, laser tag (yes, laser tag. Who would have thought?), go karts. That stuff. I know that when *I'm alone, particularly when I was at "our" place after she left, I'd just end up in the downward spiral emotionally. Maybe once I get into the new place I'll be more content at being alone.*
> 
> And helping with relationships... crazy. It's like I've become some sort of guru. I see all this crap and tell it to friends and that go, "Holy sh!t! You're right." And then I get depressed because I learned about that through the failure of my relationship.


One of my thoughts when I leave the house after family time or whatever is whether I would have been happier at the house and she moved away. I think the consensus is I'm "happier" away, only because I would go stir crazy with all of the memories, smells, etc. in a somewhat downsized place.


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