# After affair - when Husbands starts talking about OW



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

All of a sudden out of the blue my Husband points out while we are driving where OW used to live. Then he starts talking about her. This all opened up more communication that I had never heard before. He talked about what they talked about both before and after my husband broke it off with her. 

The OW asked about me frequently about wether he would ever go back to me. My h said he told her he didn't know, that he didn't know the future. He said she asked this several times. 

He also said after he broke it off she kept saying she didn't understand why he was going back with me. He said he told her that he can't forget 12 years of being with someone and he didn't want to start something new and unknown. 

I did ask minimal questions about her. He was talking bad about her which is good. I think he should think bad about her since she kept pursuing him through me by following my FB, hacking my FB and messaging me telling me so much info both true and false that makes it even harder to reconcile.

So he was talking about how her and her now x Husband built a half million dollar home. That she's really a ritsy kind of girl. I asked if she was still like that and he said she well she is living in a high price new condo. I said she was only after his money. He said what money? I said well did you talk about all the jobs your gonba work on? How much per hour you make? Etc etc etc?? He said yes about all that.

I guess she also asked h what kind of dog he would want ( I'm assuming she was dreaming of having a family with him) so that question opened up that I was a dog breeder and how he hoped that I would give him at least 1 toy rat terrier. 

He did ask me about that back during seperation. Had I known there was another woman that would care for the dog I would have said hell no. In realty I had already found homes for the dogs because I was in deep depression and needed to focus on our 3 children. 

So I guess it's good that my Husband opened up about her on his own, but it's causing me to think about him snd her together. I'm having an anxiety attack and feeling again like this info is new. I'm trying to pull the good out of this. 

Anyone else have thier spouse all of a sudden talking openly about thier affair partner without you asking? If so what did you feel and what were your reactions?
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya I have, I just listened and made very few and randum comments. I personally didn't want to be judgemantal and shut this line of communication. 

Its hard to hear but at least my fWW is telling me and not some other guy.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

How long has it been since the A ended and you found out?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I found out a bit about her in November during the time my Husband and I really started on the communication to reconcile. He admitted his affair around the second werk of December 2011, right before he told me he had slept with her, he had come home for a visit but also to get paperwork for his lawyer. He was sure I would want a divorce after knowing his betrayal. He told me he ended it with her in early November. I do believe him that he did end it with her. I only became suspicious in early November when she posted on his FB page that she missed him and hoped to see him again soon.

I now know even more that she was trying to cause trouble with me and hi
By posting that because my Husband talked about me during the affair and left her to be with me. In December before he admitted his affair I had messaged her in November right after her FB post. She didn't respond to me until she knew I was spending the night with him at his parents. She said she knew I was there. Pretty spiteful of her to message me on his birthday
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## canuckprincess (Mar 22, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I found out a bit about her in November during the time my Husband and I really started on the communication to reconcile. He admitted his affair around the second werk of December 2011, right before he told me he had slept with her, he had come home for a visit but also to get paperwork for his lawyer. He was sure I would want a divorce after knowing his betrayal. He told me he ended it with her in early November. I do believe him that he did end it with her. I only became suspicious in early November when she posted on his FB page that she missed him and hoped to see him again soon.
> 
> I now know even more that she was trying to cause trouble with me and hi
> By posting that because my Husband talked about me during the affair and left her to be with me. In December before he admitted his affair I had messaged her in November right after her FB post. She didn't respond to me until she knew I was spending the night with him at his parents. She said she knew I was there. Pretty spiteful of her to message me on his birthday
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you sure he actually ended it with the ow?
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Yes I'm sure. He is with me at all times. He's taken time off work ( job attached). We just got back from our reconsilstion cruise. 

Now we are getting ready to move out of state. 

I've had access to his phone. He does not lock his phone and I'm on the cell account. I can set up an online account with our carrier so I can see every number he calls or texts. He's told me the password in case I need to call, so it's the same to set it up on line. 

I think my Husband must be feeling comfortable enough to talk about her and what she said about me. I have told him what OW has said about him in her messages. I've blocked her, but I still have all her messages. She said a lot of bad things about him. I never tell him too much at once.
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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Im not sure I could listen to too much of that. IMO, IF and WHEN you are ready to discuss HER then he should answer the questions not be volunteering information about her. To me that says she is still on his mind....Pay attention.

THis should go at YOUR pace.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Were you living apart at the time of his affair? Sounds like it...


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

It's really hard. I'm trying to take the positive out of it. Like maybe he's trying to let his guilt go. We are moving out of state soon. Everything inside of me is stirred up though. I had things stirring before snd now it's all stirred up. Now I know he was talking about me with her. About what I did for a hobby and business. I know at the same time he was with her he was constantly emailing me. He wanted 1 of the dogs. At the time I felt like he was wanting 1of the dogs to try to keep me forever. I was still angry and bitter at everything that happened and everything I thought he was thinking about me.
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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes aftert H ended his A and I decided I wanted to R with him he opened up a lot and told me a lot of stuff about her. Sometimes it's in conversation and sometimes he just comes out with it. It hurts sometimes but I just let him talk. I think it's a good thing. At first he didn't say anything bad about her but this last couple of days he's told me he hates her!! I suppose that his anger regarding the situation. I don't know. Anyway I'm ok with it but I have told him I do not want to know about anything sexual (he only slept with her twice) and if I do ever want to know then I will ask. To be honest I've found the emotional side of the A more difficult to deal with than the sexual side. Don't know if that's normal or not 
DG
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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

blueskies,

I know it may hurt you to hear details about the OW but may I suggest that your husband talking about her is his way of outwardly and verbally expelling his thoughts about her and detaching from her? Maybe this is his way of moving on? At least that is the first thought I had when reading your post.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> blueskies,
> 
> I know it may hurt you to hear details about the OW but may I suggest that your husband talking about her is his way of outwardly and verbally expelling his thoughts about her and detaching from her? Maybe this is his way of moving on? At least that is the first thought I had when reading your post.


I agree to some extent Beo but perhaps he should consider rather or not his W wants to hear it or not. Afterall, the A itself was ALL about him the R should include her....


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks for sharing daisy girl! I asked my husband some time ago if he hated her and he said "no, I don't hate her I have no reason too." It would give me comfort if he actually told me he hated her. To me I think he has reason to hate her. If it wasn't for her not letting him go I would never have known things I do know unless he told me. First she put on his FB wall about how she missed him and hoped to see him soon. Then on his birthday which was a month after she posted on his FB, she messaged me very very hurtful things. My Husbsnd and I were trying to reconcile snd were spending a lot of time together. 
Then in on valentines day she text him. He didn't tell me until a few days later when I told him she messaged me. She had told me some truth that he had hidden from me. I took that truth to him snd he confessed that it was true what she said. So she kept messaging me more snd more hurtful things. I didn't tell him everything. I've told him things she said about him slowly as it comes up. He seems to be getting more of a dislike for her as things come out about the horrible things she has said about him. 

I do hope he Hates her now, but he hasn't said those words to me yet. She has also recently stalked my FB following him through me. She messaged me atig to know how things were going. Trying to be friends it seems. I didn't message her back. A few hours after that I was on FB on my phone and my green dot came on meaning that someone had accessed my FB and was on it at the same time I was. 
Now with all this new stuff I would think its enough to hate her.

My Husbsnd told me he had sex with her on e and it was protected. I found out that was a lie. He's had sex with her so many times that he can't tell me a number or he doesn't want too and it was unprotected.
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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> Thanks for sharing daisy girl! I asked my husband some time ago if he hated her and he said "no, I don't hate her I have no reason too." It would give me comfort if he actually told me he hated her. To me I think he has reason to hate her. If it wasn't for her not letting him go I would never have known things I do know unless he told me. First she put on his FB wall about how she missed him and hoped to see him soon. Then on his birthday which was a month after she posted on his FB, she messaged me very very hurtful things. My Husbsnd and I were trying to reconcile snd were spending a lot of time together.
> Then in on valentines day she text him. He didn't tell me until a few days later when I told him she messaged me. She had told me some truth that he had hidden from me. I took that truth to him snd he confessed that it was true what she said. So she kept messaging me more snd more hurtful things. I didn't tell him everything. I've told him things she said about him slowly as it comes up. He seems to be getting more of a dislike for her as things come out about the horrible things she has said about him.
> 
> I do hope he Hates her now, but he hasn't said those words to me yet. She has also recently stalked my FB following him through me. She messaged me atig to know how things were going. Trying to be friends it seems. I didn't message her back. A few hours after that I was on FB on my phone and my green dot came on meaning that someone had accessed my FB and was on it at the same time I was.
> ...


So there is no NC letter/agreement? Why is she not blocked from his phone and your FB????? WTF????


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I agree to some extent Beo but perhaps he should consider rather or not his W wants to hear it or not. Afterall, the A itself was ALL about him the R should include her....


Oh I agree completely. He should refrain from talking about her if it trigger blueskies. But I was just making an observation that this might be his way of purging her. After all, if he was still seeing her or even interested in seeing her he certainly wouldn't disclose things to his wife. They should talk and blueskies should tell him that it triggers her to hear about the OW.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

She is blocked from my FB now that she messaged me. I'm pretty sure she knows she is blocked.

Weird thing happened yesterday. I was at the dr office, sane dr office my husband gets IC from. They keep calling his mom for reminder calls even after my husband says he told them to call our home. So I check with the office and there is not his moms number on there. There is a very strange never I don't know of. So I call it do I have record of that phone number. I get a voice mail that's not personilizwd. I don't leave a message. I text my husband who's number that is and he says he doesn't know. Then last night that same number called me back and instead of being polite snd saying someone from this number called me. All I hear is listening when I say hello, then they hang up, 

I'm suspicious that it is her. I asked him if she knew he went to counseling and I think he said that she knew. I'm thinking that this is all too strange not to be her. I could be paranoid, but this is what I'm thinking. I mean how easy would it be to call the dr office up claiming to be me and change the call back number to hers do she can keep track of him?
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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Oh I agree completely. He should refrain from talking about her if it trigger blueskies. But I was just making an observation that this might be his way of purging her. After all, if he was still seeing her or even interested in seeing her he certainly wouldn't disclose things to his wife. They should talk and blueskies should tell him that it triggers her to hear about the OW.


OH Im not sure about that....my H talked about the OW..thats one of the ways I knew something was up. He mentioned her more than anyone else at work. Like he couldnt resist. Even after I said enough about _____. He still talked about her. Like an addiction. So Im not convinced thats true Beo. Sorry.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> She is blocked from my FB now that she messaged me. I'm pretty sure she knows she is blocked.
> 
> Weird thing happened yesterday. I was at the dr office, sane dr office my husband gets IC from. They keep calling his mom for reminder calls even after my husband says he told them to call our home. So I check with the office and there is not his moms number on there. There is a very strange never I don't know of. So I call it do I have record of that phone number. I get a voice mail that's not personilizwd. I don't leave a message. I text my husband who's number that is and he says he doesn't know. Then last night that same number called me back and instead of being polite snd saying someone from this number called me. All I hear is listening when I say hello, then they hang up,
> 
> ...


spokeo....


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

That was the first time he ever mentioned her. So I guess I'll have to see what the future holds. My husband seems more worried about moving out of state than anything else. His mom is giving him hell about moving and ruining the kids lives
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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Is he moving to get away from her or to something else?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We are moving for a couple of reasons, but he will only admit to one, which is most likely the guilt he feels for leaving his family. We are moving because there is no constant work for him here and coupled with us losing our house. In the other state wages for him are more, it's warmer and housing is much cheaper.

He has wanted to move to a warmer spot for years and talked about this state ever since we went there once. 

He won't admit to his mom that he would like to live in a different state and actually have a new life. 

I see it all as a complete start over for us.
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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> OH Im not sure about that....my H talked about the OW..thats one of the ways I knew something was up. He mentioned her more than anyone else at work. Like he couldnt resist. Even after I said enough about _____. He still talked about her. Like an addiction. So Im not convinced thats true Beo. Sorry.


No, you could very well be correct. I was just speculating. You (unfortunately) have more experience in this area than I.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> We are moving for a couple of reasons, but he will only admit to one, which is most likely the guilt he feels for leaving his family. We are moving because there is no constant work for him here and coupled with us losing our house. In the other state wages for him are more, it's warmer and housing is much cheaper.
> 
> He has wanted to move to a warmer spot for years and talked about this state ever since we went there once.
> 
> ...


I pay that it is and hope everything works out well for you.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks, I hope so too. I know it's still a very rough hard road ahead of us. We have finished our first rental application last night. Once we rent a house there is no going back. Unfortunatly my Husbsnd is making decisions without me. He wants his parents to come with us moving so they can "help" unload and set up when we get there. I can't stand his mom and I don't want to be stuck in a car with her. 

My husband will be driving the truck and I'll be driving in my van with the kids. I know his parents will take over if they come with us.

We already have set up for my husbands cousin to help us unload, who lives near where we are moving
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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I'd say he's made all the decisions alone that he needs to make for a while....


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I'd say he's made all the decisions alone that he needs to make for a while....


He can't make decisions without consulting you first. No, no, no. He may have to make the final call on certain things but it must always be with a lot of input from you. When it comes to important decisions like where and how you BOTH are going to live you BOTH must *enthusiastically* agree on those.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Your husband is a brainless ass, I wish that you could hit him upside the head each time he brings her up, train him like Pavlov's dog. Maybe you should do a hybrid 180 each time he brings her up, my lady does an effective silent treatment - no affection thing each time I screw up an do something really insensative.

You have to make your husband understand what he is doing wrong - guys sometimes don't, we are a bit stupid in a great many areas and we need the "training" provided by good women. It's usually starts from Mom but I guess she is not a positive, so it's up to you.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

This is the first time my husband has ever brought up OW on his own. So I had no clue how I would react, but I know it's brought up all these feelings like they are fresh again. I did like to know that he told her that when he was with me for 12 years that he could not forget me and that he didn't want to start something new. 

I know she put up a really good fight and I'm not confident that she is done obsessing about him. 

I also think that he may not be done with coming out with more confessions. 

I in no way think my husband did this to hurt me.
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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> This is the first time my husband has ever brought up OW on his own. So I had no clue how I would react, but I know it's brought up all these feelings like they are fresh again. I did like to know that he told her that when he was with me for 12 years that he could not forget me and that he didn't want to start something new.
> 
> I know she put up a really good fight and I'm not confident that she is done obsessing about him.
> 
> ...


If he start TT ing thats a problem... I got just the tiniest bit of that this weekend. I mean tiniest but it made me wanna quit briefly.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> OH Im not sure about that....my H talked about the OW..thats one of the ways I knew something was up. He mentioned her more than anyone else at work. Like he couldnt resist. Even after I said enough about _____. He still talked about her. Like an addiction. So Im not convinced thats true Beo. Sorry.


My H used to talk about the OW when I didn't know a out the A. Her name used to come up in conversation, in general terms. I think what the OP is referring to is different though. Since the A has now been exposed and is over he talks about her (as Beo pointed out) as if to purge himself of her and to just get it all out of his system.
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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> My H used to talk about the OW when I didn't know a out the A. Her name used to come up in conversation, in general terms. I think what the OP is referring to is different though. Since the A has now been exposed and is over he talks about her (as Beo pointed out) as if to purge himself of her and to just get it all out of his system.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats possible. Im just saying be careful.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My assumption is that if the WP brings up the AP, then they're thinking about him/her and either wish to see them again or has.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thats possible. Im just saying be careful.


Yeh I know.
Thanks
X
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I find little trigger words or phrases that he says and then it triggers me to make a comment that I know upsets him a little...he doesn't get mad or anything. A trigger happened about a half hour ago. We are lacking to move now. I came across my husbands journal from when we first met. I don't ever want to throw it away or lose it cause it's very important to me. I read to my husband what he wrote long ago. There is a sentence where he guesses what bra size I wear and he says how perky they are. 
So my Husbsnd says " ya that's before I knew what was gonna happen after 3 kids" I think he also said something like this too " had I known" so it triggered me to say something like " ya before you went out and found someone else with bigger than me!! She probably was like 2-3 times what mine are!!" he said "no they weren't "

I also read him another line of his diary where he was guessing how much I weighed. He commented snd said "that was when I looked healthy weight" He is meaning that he would like me to gain weight. I'm about 10lbs lighter and the only way I could gain more weight is to gain muscle weight.

So anyway there's no mentioning of OW today other than my trigger.
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