# Moving back in after Separation



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Has anybody had their spouse move back in after a period of separation? Were you happy after they moved back in, or worse off?

If you were the one who moved back in: how did you feel about it AFTER you were back together?

Were kids involved? Were they happy after you got back together as a family?

I was reading another thread and someone posted about this topic so it would be interesting to hear other people's experiences. I also considered letting my husband move back in with me (on HIS terms, which are: "I will live with you half the time and half the time with my mom/sister"...ridiculous, yes...I obviously said no). So it's relevant to me as well.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I also considered letting my husband move back in with me (on HIS terms, which are: "I will live with you half the time and half the time with my mom/sister"...ridiculous, yes...I obviously said no). So it's relevant to me as well.


Why would you even consider letting that level of toxicity back into your life? 

All I can see is a man on your doorstep covered in this bright green slime saying "No, I wont get any on you...I swear."


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> Why would you even consider letting that level of toxicity back into your life?
> 
> All I can see is a man on your doorstep covered in this bright green slime saying "No, I wont get any on you...I swear."


Because I love him.  And I wanted to give it another chance, see if things would be better, if he lived with me and our daughter alone.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Because I love him.  And I wanted to give it another chance, see if things would be better, if he lived with me and our daughter alone.


Respect that.
Okay...My gut says no, but my Disney trained heart falls for this quite often.

You must do what you feel is right.
Just keep in mind that there is a very strong family enmeshment that will try VERY hard to keep him in the system.

When he tries to leave it...it will pull even harder.
It may even hurt someone in the process of leaving.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> Respect that.
> Okay...My gut says no, but my Disney trained heart falls for this quite often.
> 
> You must do what you feel is right.
> ...


lol @ Disney trained heart.

The many wonderful posters of TAM talked through it with me, and I *think* I've decided not to go that route. If he would move back in with my daughter and I full time, I would go for it. But he was only willing to live with us half the time, and his mom/sister the other half of the time. I felt demeaned by the very suggestion. I do not want a part-time husband and part-time father for my child. The way I see it, none of our issues have been ironed out, it would likely result in the same arguments, my daughter would think it's normal for husbands to "visit" their wives and children as opposed to making them a priority, and he'd be constantly leaving instead of trying to kick me out. All this while his brother gets a free-pass, living alone with his wife and children, after having used my husband financially and emotionally.

On the other side of all this, is my love for him. But love is not enough. He chose them. I've wished him a happy life and I let him go - at least in words. My heart has not let go. I hope it some day does.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Could it be that your fear is helping Your husband look more like an attractive option than he really is? You stated that you fear being alone, and no one else will love you besides your husband, and our beliefs does make reality real for us.

So you might have a need to keep giving him chances, trying to convince him that he should be with you and your daughter.

Once you work on yourself physically and mentally, him as an option would not be so attractive any longer. He was pretty unstable when you were living with him, and he used threats to try and control you.

You actually allowed him, someone who claims to love you, treat you terribly. It does not matter too much about his good qualities, everyone has them, it is how those negative qualities affected you. The longer you live with him, the longer his dysfunction would turn you more dysfunctional as well.

Actions by others can affect us negatively, or positively. Who knows, perhaps he would have been more abusive in the future. living under his condition, his home, gave him too much power, and he used it to control you, or tried to.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Could it be that your fear is helping Your husband look more like an attractive option than he really is? You stated that you fear being alone, and no one else will love you besides your husband, and our beliefs does make reality real for us.
> 
> So you might have a need to keep giving him chances, trying to convince him that he should be with you and your daughter.
> 
> ...


Oh absolutely. I do fear starting over, a lot. I ask myself who else will ever come to love me, or want to be with me. I'm reasonably successful in my career, and I'm not a bad person to be around, but this divorce and my weight gain contributes to low self esteem. I won't deny that. I am only beginning to work on this weight issue, if I drop 50 lbs I'll look fantastic and maybe it will help me feel better about...everything.

You know what he texted me a few days ago when we were saying our goodbyes? "I hope you find someone who will keep you happy and take good care of you and our daughter." Excuse me - you want someone else to take good care of your wife AND DAUGHTER? Isn't that your job? Dang. Can't fight with that...deep down inside, he doesn't want us enough.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Clearly, your having trouble reconciling the good man you thought he was, with the unstable mental mess that his mother has created. I personally do not fully blame him, if he had a normal mother, the chances are, you would not be in this predicament. His family forged the person he is.

Your not leaving him, your separating from a situation that will adversely affect you.

He left the both of you when you stopped being a priority or when he made the environment to toxic to be healthy in.

You are going to need to change your mindset on how you view this situation. Neutral parties will give you a better perspective sometimes, as long as it is done neutrally.

He has left the marriage first by breaking his promises that he made. To honor and cherish you is now a broken vow. He left long ago, you did not realize it until recently. He was not mentally there with you, even though he was there physically. You were in a relationship of one without knowing it.

And his biological family has a stronger hold than you and your daughter. Really,he does not want the guilt of filling out divorce papers and is just waiting for you to file. In filing, he can place that responsibility in your hands. For me, relationships are a biological bond. That paper is just culture and society. A piece of paper does not define the relationship. You do not even need two loving people to participate in the marriage. I know of someone who married for money, and he is a guy btw. Your in a marriage with him, but are you in a relationship with him?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm not sure if it was my thread you read or not since I have a few.

My ex and I reconciled last year and we're now splitting up again.

A leopard doesn't change its spots is the short story. Mine is much longer. I regret SO MUCH getting back together.

No, the kids were not overjoyed about it.

And especially not now!!!

Don't do it.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Oh absolutely. I do fear starting over, a lot. I ask myself who else will ever come to love me, or want to be with me. I'm reasonably successful in my career, and I'm not a bad person to be around, but this divorce and my weight gain contributes to low self esteem. I won't deny that. I am only beginning to work on this weight issue, if I drop 50 lbs I'll look fantastic and maybe it will help me feel better about...everything.
> 
> You know what he texted me a few days ago when we were saying our goodbyes? "I hope you find someone who will keep you happy and take good care of you and our daughter." Excuse me - you want someone else to take good care of your wife AND DAUGHTER? Isn't that your job? Dang. Can't fight with that...deep down inside, he doesn't want us enough.


I think you have answered your own question. It'd be basically accepting a part time husband and father; you and your daughter deserve more. 

You may think you're overweight because you're in a s#*tty place right now, but you are a good mother, and left a man you love because it was a toxic situation for you and your daughter. That tells me you're smart and have principals. You have a successful career. I bet you have many good qualities other than that which will become apparent to you once you have a bit of distance from your husband. If you decide to pursue dating down the road, I bet a lot of men would be interested. Right now, it sounds like you have resolved to work on you, and setting up for yourself and your daughter and that sounds the healthiest option.

Side note: some guys prefer curvy women.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Sure, part-time marriage sounds great to lots of people. But that is not how it works. A committment means you are giving yourself completely as a fulltime partner. I mean, everyone would be married if they only had to live with their spouse half of the time. Good grief...this guy sounds like a piece of work.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> Sure, part-time marriage sounds great to lots of people. But that is not how it works. A committment means you are giving yourself completely as a fulltime partner. I mean, everyone would be married if they only had to live with their spouse half of the time. Good grief...this guy sounds like a piece of work.


lol, Good point. I should say this to him if he brings it up again.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

joannacroc said:


> I think you have answered your own question. It'd be basically accepting a part time husband and father; you and your daughter deserve more.
> 
> You may think you're overweight because you're in a s#*tty place right now, but you are a good mother, and left a man you love because it was a toxic situation for you and your daughter. That tells me you're smart and have principals. You have a successful career. I bet you have many good qualities other than that which will become apparent to you once you have a bit of distance from your husband. If you decide to pursue dating down the road, I bet a lot of men would be interested. Right now, it sounds like you have resolved to work on you, and setting up for yourself and your daughter and that sounds the healthiest option.
> 
> Side note: some guys prefer curvy women.


Thank you for your vote of confidence, it helps, and I hope that in future I will have done enough work on myself physically and psychologically to feel good about myself. 

His family - especially his brother's wife - used to tell me, "You are crazy for wanting to leave. That's such a stupid thing to do." I bet she still thinks that way...I've even heard this sentiment from my own friends and distant family...but honestly, isn't the stupid thing to keep myself and my child in a toxic environment? Some people's priorities are all mixed up.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm not sure if it was my thread you read or not since I have a few.
> 
> My ex and I reconciled last year and we're now splitting up again.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear it...I hope this time it's easier for you. At least now, the second time, since you've seen that you've regretted getting back together, you know that you've tried and things still have not changed. 

I have no reason to think my husband's anger issues, screaming/yelling, threats, etc. will not happen again. The ONLY thing that will have changed, is I will not be living with his family...and something tells me that's not enough.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Clearly, your having trouble reconciling the good man you thought he was, with the unstable mental mess that his mother has created. I personally do not fully blame him, if he had a normal mother, the chances are, you would not be in this predicament. His family forged the person he is.
> 
> Your not leaving him, your separating from a situation that will adversely affect you.
> 
> ...


Mr. Fisty, many times you write things that make me do a double-take, because it's almost like you lived in my shoes and know exactly what I've been through. You're very insightful. Yes, the truth is, I was the only one in the relationship. The first 6 months were great, and I had all his attention - then it was downhill. He became addicted to his PS3 and barely spent any time with me. I'd go to bed alone and wake up alone. He decided to go on an "important" trip with his mom and siblings, return date was a week before my baby's due date! I was already stressed during the pregnancy because doctor's had told us our baby has congenital heart disease and would need surgery after birth. Add to that, the stress of thinking he wouldn't be there if she was born a week early. 

We had our good times - he had many good qualities. I struggle with those. But you are right - its how his negative qualities influenced us and the relationship. 

No, we are not in a relationship. It's just a piece of paper now. He's just my daughter's father now. At least now, he will have the memories of a wife who loved him and those last few good dates we had together. In future when he looks back, he will know that I forgave him even when he didn't earn that forgiveness, that I loved him even though he treated me badly, and he will realize what he lost.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I had a woman who used to work for me in a similar situation. She was always second fiddle to his mom and dysfunctional family. They got to the point of living separate from family but all that eventually led to was spending every waking moment at moms. Moving and living separate never solved the problem. He must learn how to live independent and until that happens your problem basically won't change no matter where you live.

His mother eventually got sick and passed away. My employee thought things would finally change. All that happened was the deceased mom became a saint. The ghost of mom created more problems. 

Everything she tried was never as good as his mother. Good times were always tainted with "I wish mom was here to share in it". Even the holidays the family would use the deceased moms house so they could all reminisce about the "saint" mom. 

Your spouse has to learn how to break the umbilical cord. He has to learn how to live an independent life before the two of you would ever have a real chance. Getting him to just move won't solve your problems I fear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

honcho said:


> I had a woman who used to work for me in a similar situation. She was always second fiddle to his mom and dysfunctional family. They got to the point of living separate from family but all that eventually led to was spending every waking moment at moms. Moving and living separate never solved the problem. He must learn how to live independent and until that happens your problem basically won't change no matter where you live.
> 
> His mother eventually got sick and passed away. My employee thought things would finally change. All that happened was the deceased mom became a saint. The ghost of mom created more problems.
> 
> ...


Wow. 
He told me, "I have to see my mom every day. Even if she lives with my brother, we have to live next to them, because when I get home from work at 6pm I have to see her right away." 

It used to make me so angry that he was unwilling to spend any time away from his mom, but willing to forfeit seeing his own daughter 5 days a week. 

Thank you for sharing this story. I'm starting to realize that simply living apart from his family is not going to solve our problems. That was my hunch, but hearing first-hand of someone else's experiences is worth gold.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I'll tag along with Honcho here.

When I was dating my now ex-wife, her mom got married. She said to me "Now I dont have to worry about taking care of mom and live my own life."
(In the movies, this would have been accompanied by organ music and thunder...)

It was only a few years after her mother's husband left her that she began shouldering her way into our marriage...moreso than before.

She was at our house pretty much every night and drinking. She would egg on fights and basically interferred with anything she could. I cant believe I cooked meals for that b1tch...

When the ex moved out to "seperate" herself "for a little bit", the Mom suddenly came up with a reason to move into her house.
I knew the marriage was cooked right then.
As my youngest has observed "grandma became moms new husband".

Unless he can recognize the severe enmeshment he has with his mother...it will just go back to the same old stuff...


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> I'll tag along with Honcho here.
> 
> When I was dating my now ex-wife, her mom got married. She said to me "Now I dont have to worry about taking care of mom and live my own life."
> (In the movies, this would have been accompanied by organ music and thunder...)
> ...


Even your youngest child could see the weird relationship! On the one hand, I am super thankful that my daughter is so young that she won't remember him kicking us out of the house, and all the tears/fighting during this separation. It saves her from trauma. On the other hand, I wonder if she will blame me when she's older? I don't think she will - but that fear lingers. Her dad is usually a very charming, friendly, loving and caring person. But once my daughter is old enough to be in a relationship of her own, she will hopefully understand.

As for cooking meals for a nightmare mother in law...I hear you. I used to cook meals for the entire "in law family" almost every day, with no thanks from anyone other than my husband. When my mother in law was upset at me, she'd say "I don't like this dinner" and tell my husband to get her a Subway sandwich. If I wasn't there to cook because I was visiting my parents, they'd go out together to eat at a restaurant and ALWAYS expected my husband to pay for everyone. I regret being nice to them...but whatever...I hope he gets her a Subway tuna sandwich for dinner and she chokes on it. 

He should not have married me. He already had a 60+ year old "wife". The woman was a nutcase from the beginning and I'm so glad she's out of my life. Letting him back in would be letting her back in.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I forgot to mention - to him, there is no severe enmeshment. Simply a responsibility to take care of his mother than he can never, ever abandon, no matter what. Even if it means losing his own child.

It's ironic. He grew up without a father and felt that pain his whole life. Yet is willing to put his own child through a similar loss.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange, after reading honcho and Samurai's posts, followed by your own comments, please send us your address. (PM if you must)

So that we can ALL be standing there with 2x4s, ready to knock some sense into you if you even CONSIDER letting this louse come live with you.

"I HAVE to see my mom everyday."?????

:wtf:

Run. For the hills. As far and fast as you can. You are married to a little boy who will never be able to cut the apron strings.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange, after reading honcho and Samurai's posts, followed by your own comments, please send us your address. (PM if you must)
> 
> So that we can ALL be standing there with 2x4s, ready to knock some sense into you if you even CONSIDER letting this louse come live with you.
> 
> ...


Haha...I love you guys!
Thanks for helping to keep me strong!


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

He is an emotional toddler, Imo...he is letting mommy dictate his whole life, just as he did when he wore diapers...he had no business even having a child, Imo. Unless you had fully intended to spend your entire married life in the home of his mommy and family members and agreed to it...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I forgot to mention - to him, there is no severe enmeshment. Simply a responsibility to take care of his mother than he can never, ever abandon, no matter what. Even if it means losing his own child.
> 
> It's ironic. He grew up without a father and felt that pain his whole life. Yet is willing to put his own child through a similar loss.


Well that explains everything.
He is HER substitute husband.

She has made him her partner....ewwwwww...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I forgot to mention - to him, there is no severe enmeshment. Simply a responsibility to take care of his mother than he can never, ever abandon, no matter what. Even if it means losing his own child.
> 
> It's ironic. He grew up without a father and felt that pain his whole life. Yet is willing to put his own child through a similar loss.


Do you watch Bates Motel?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Do you watch Bates Motel?


No...okay let me ask Uncle Google what Bates Motel is about.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> Well that explains everything.
> He is HER substitute husband.
> 
> She has made him her partner....ewwwwww...


Yep. Whenever someone asks me why his Mom doesn't push him to take care of me and our daughter, I say: With me out of the picture, she gets a chauffeur, someone to take her out to restaurants or get take out multiple times a week, emotional and moral support at her beck and call, and someone she can manipulate in to always taking care of her. He's her substitute husband. 

My husband has asked me to forgive him. I can try. But how about the rest of his family members? I have resentment against them, too, for all they put me through.

He only has me to forgive...I have to forgive him and all his family.

But God knows I am strong enough for it. Otherwise I would not be going through this.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> He is an emotional toddler, Imo...he is letting mommy dictate his whole life, just as he did when he wore diapers...he had no business even having a child, Imo. Unless you had fully intended to spend your entire married life in the home of his mommy and family members and agreed to it...


I married him thinking he was a family man. Now, I realize he is a Momma's boy, not a family man.

I married him thinking he'll be faithful to me. He's faithful to his biological family, not the family he created with me.

I see a lot of my own faults. Warning signs I completely ignored because I wanted to get married, start a family, and be loved. When we were dating, he'd call his mom and "report" on where we were going and what we'd done and where we were headed next. On our honeymoon we went to the Bahamas on a cruise...I didn't call my parents once. He called his mom every day. I saw all his great qualities and thought to myself, "I can handle this. He will change." (Haha!) And the small things did change, yes...but the bigger ones did not. 

Won't be making that mistake again!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Some days I am a horrible mom. I get tired, and my daughter only has me to play with in the evenings, and she is constantly asking for my attention. I can't even go to the washroom without her following me. I love her to death, she is my WORLD, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all of the pressure to take care of the house, clean, cook, pay bills, and entertain her on my own. Last night I was just horrible to her, I yelled at her any time she didn't listen to me, and she cried a lot as well. When I finally hugged her and calmed her down, she said to me, "Is Daddy going to come home? Where is he? Is he sleeping? Are we going to go to him?" 

It just broke my heart! I cried because I didn't know what else to do, and hugged her. I hate him for doing this to us.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Ahhhhh....Romantic Marriage with Dysfunctional people! 

Expectations....












Reality....










Nuff said!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lol Samurai...very disturbing. But yes, they made me mental!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> lol Samurai...very disturbing. But yes, they made me mental!


I have often considered filing a class action lawsuit against both Disney and Hollywood...


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You wonder why Disney movies end where they do. They do not want to show all those issues the couples develop afterwards.

Here is the truth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diU70KshcjA

Sorry Happy if you see this since it affects your under the sea family.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Has anybody had their spouse move back in after a period of separation? Were you happy after they moved back in, or worse off?
> 
> If you were the one who moved back in: how did you feel about it AFTER you were back together?
> 
> Were kids involved? Were they happy after you got back together as a family?


Hi there. My H and I were separated over a year. He asked to come back home. At first, I had conflicting feelings about it and I wasn't completely happy. I had gotten used to living as a single parent. We have a little girl. But as time has gone by, it has gotten better between us. We attend MC and have been for almost a year now. It's not easy. Especially when you're the one allowing that person back in who left you in the first place. I don't regret it so far. I can say that I'm happy and content today. Hope this helps.


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