# Husband doesn't want to live together



## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

So I typed out a really long post twice and lost it both times when it refused to send. So I'm just going to keep it short this time and add details as people ask for them I guess.

Long story short then - my husband lost his job here in January for reasons I am not 100% sure of. All I really know is he was fired and he denies whatever it is they accused him of having done. Although my BIL told me it was due to a sexual harassment claim by a coworker. Husband denies this. He got another, actually better, job not long after but in another city about 3 hours away from here. At the time we (really HE) decided I would stay here until summer giving me time to find a job there and him to find us a nice apartment. Also at the time I was recovering from a major medical crisis that had really seriously stressed him out. I think I needed more from him during that time than he was capable of giving me.

So I was supposed to be moving in with him this month, and he tells me he likes the status quo and wants to continue what we've been doing - living 3 hours apart and only seeing each other on weekends which has become nothing more than eating out and sex. He won't tell me why he doesn't want to live together anymore except that he finds it less stressful living alone. I've been looking forward to getting back together full time and finding out that he basically only wants a part time wife really hurts. He did state that he still loves me and doesn't want a divorce. He just can't cope with his new job and a full time marriage right now. He says lots of people do it and it's no big deal. But it is to me, I didn't sign on for a part time, long distance marriage.

On top of this he is no longer direct depositing his paycheck into our joint account and due to a major difference in our income (he makes 80k a year and I make less than $20k) that means he is living well and I am struggling just to pay the rent. Fortunately we don't have kids although maybe if we had we never would have decided to live apart temporarily to begin with.

My MIL recently informed me that my husband's ex wife is back in the area and she's now divorced from husband #2. My husband always talks about how much he hates her but MIL says she thinks he's never really stopped having feelings for her. I just can't help but wonder if he's deliberately keeping me at arms length while exploring the idea of restarting his relationship with her.

A friend of mine is a member here and says she's gotten some really good advice. So I'm really hoping you folks can help me too.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Omg.... tell him to stuff it. Then quit talking to him at all and file for divorce. You know you don't want to be married part-time. He's not being open, honest or supportive. Screw that. 

See an attorney. You owe him no explanation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My advice: your husband is using you. The minute he finds another woman to take care of him and give him better sex, you're gone. 
Don't wait for that. 
Divorce him. File now.
You can always stop the process.

He's keeping you away because he wants time to search for other women. He's likely found one or has one in mind.
One thing is for sure: he doesn't live you like he should.
Please file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

I don't want to end it without trying to fix it! I've loved him pretty much since I met him and he's the only man I've ever been with intimately. I'm not the most desirable woman in the world due to health issues plus I can't have kids, but he loved me despite my problems. Now it's almost like after all our time together he's decided he suddenly can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to lose him and I'm so afraid that if I do I'll never find someone else who is willing to take a chance on me.

I've been reading up on the 180 at my friends suggestion but how do you build an attractive life of your own when your health is so poor that it's all you can do to hold down a part time job? And even that I've been calling in sick so much lately I'm probably going to end up getting fired sooner or later.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Do you go to your husbands place on these weekend visits? or does he only come to you?

Does he not give you any money to help you out,seeing as you are married and it is his choice to have a second place? Of not he should be.

It sounds like he has left the marriage and won't be back, he could just be seeing you to keep from feeling guilty about his newfound single life. I would have to tell him that we either live together like man and wife or get a divorce. He has moved on and you need to find the strength to move on too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your fear is going to make you a doormat. This idea that no other man would want you is just that, fear. He wants sex with you every weekend. So will other men find you attractive. As I said, file. You CANNOT work on a marriage without being together. What he has is a separation, except he gets to bang you on the side. He leaves you in limbo while he makes his mind up on other things.
You need to file. He will either shape up or he will leave. Either one should be ok with you.
Doing nothing out of fear? Guaranteed divorce, and long term anguish as he finds his new, exciting woman elsewhere--- if he hasbt already.
Don't be a chump. Talk to an attorney. You're getting played.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

He comes up here on weekends. His parents and his brother live near me so he makes a point of seeing them as well.

He doesn't give me money for rent or anything but he does spend money on me while he is here, like he will take me out to buy groceries. He does pay the car insurance and the credit card bill since they are joint accounts. But if we don't move back in together I am probably going to have to move in with my parents or else get a roommate because I have almost nothing left after rent and utilities.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

So no one has any advice for me on how to at least try to fix this? You really think I should give up on a 12 year marriage because we've been having problems for 5 months? I'm seriously willing to do whatever it takes to get our relationship back on track. Should I just accept that he can't cope with my health issues full time and that this long distance relationship is how it's going to be for now? Or maybe I should try insisting that I move down there with him and see how he reacts?

I do think he probably does believe this situation is totally acceptable, because his parents did this for several years when he was a kid. His dad got transferred to another city and he and his mom and his brother stayed behind because they didn't want to take the boys out of their really good school district. His dad came home on weekends and they did this for something like 5 years before his dad got transferred back. His parents are still married over 40 years now.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He is running away from his responsibilities to you. You putting your head in the sand is not helping. Tell him that living apart is messing with your self esteem, self worth, finances and most of all your marriage. 

Be bloody honest with him. If he doesn't care about making you feel safe, then whether you are fearful, or not ready; he is pretty much gone from the marriage and you will end up alone anyway.

Start communicating with him yesterday!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He takes you on "dates" when he comes to "visit?" That is not a marriage.

He lost his job for sexual harassment, and now he has moved 3 hours away and is no longer contributing to your finances so the two of you can live on 50% of your combined finances.

Have you discussed this with him? What was his response? If you are going to live like you are single, you might as well BE single and at least be free to meet someone who loves you, isn't chasing other women.

I'm sorry your husband's true colors took 12 years to show. Don't stay because of 12 years of marriage. He is probably going to divorce you when he finds a replacement for you anyway, so you will have wasted 13, 14 or more years. Quit while it is just 12.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OP, I appreciate that you want to try and fix the marriage, however the more you beg, plead, and show desperation, the more cloying you will become... and he will want to push you away all the more.

If he's behaving like he doesn't want YOUR definition of marriage and cohabitation, and loves the meager status quo, then BELIEVE him and don't waste another calorie trying to beg him back.

Just my two cents!


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

You are married and your husband lets you struggle to pay the rent? Are yous serious. That is not a marriage. He is treating you like a mistress. You need to get out of this relationship. If I were you I would move in with your folks until you can find another job. I'm sorry OP but what you have is not a marriage anymore.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> I do think he probably does believe this situation is totally acceptable, because his parents did this for several years when he was a kid. His dad got transferred to another city and he and his mom and his brother stayed behind because they didn't want to take the boys out of their really good school district. His dad came home on weekends and they did this for something like 5 years before his dad got transferred back. His parents are still married over 40 years now.


My parents did this as well when I was young. My dad would only come home on the weekends, and then he would only really want to work in his garden and take care of the farm. Needless to say we did not have a great relationship. And my parents eventually divorced.

Do you all communicate at all during the week? Does he take the time to at least connect or keep in contact? The reason I say that is a lot of guys can be judged by their actions. If he is not making any effort outside of the weekends, it pretty much tells how he is thinking about you the rest of the time.

As others have mentioned, don't stay with him out of fear of not being in a relationship. Sure it is nice to have someone to be with, but if they are not there, are you really in a relationship? There are other men in the world.

You need to sit him down on the weekend and really have a talk. Don't accept vague answers, allow him to deflect the conversation from the topic, or allow him to gloss over the situation with some excuse. Either he wants you to be with him in the new city or he doesn't. Sure it will be hard, but much better to have it out in the open.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am not saying give up totally. I'm saying to file. Otherwise you are letting your husband treat you like less than a wife. He has decided he no longer has a wife. He DOES NOT live with you.
Filing and showing him there are consequences to throwing you away, and showing him the possibility he will lose you IS YOUR ONLY chance of fixing this. 
If you allow this to continue, it will and only get worse. 

I'm not telling you to divorce, I'm telling you to file. I do think there are things that you don't know that will likely lead to divorce, but filing will help on those, too.

You basically need to file so that YOU aren't the only person working on this marriage.

You'll get all kinds of suggestions. Taking action is what is effective, I'm my opinion.

Don't see filing as giving up. See it as the only option you are left with that serves a logical purpose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

Evinrude - if you don't mind my asking what are the things you think I don't know that will lead to divorce?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> Evinrude - if you don't mind my asking what are the things you think I don't know that will lead to divorce?


My guess is that he's seeing other women. Just a hunch though. Hope not. 

I'm with Evinrude on this one. File for D. After that, no begging or pleading. Call up your H and tell him that you're married, and you can live like it, or you can be single, and live the lives of single people. 

I don't think any other methods will be as likely to succeed, if your M can be salvaged.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> My guess is that he's seeing other women. Just a hunch though. Hope not.


He is either seeing someone on the side or wants to. 

BTW, what a sweet setup he has right now. He has a secure weekend booty call, doesn't have to pay any bills and gets to keep all his money to go out and wine and dine any women he wants during the week. The best of both worlds and you are letting him.

And he sexually harassed someone at work. People don't get fired for that without doing something. He is lying to you. How do you feel about that? 

Your H is not a good guy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I don't want to end it without trying to fix it!"

You can't fix that which isn't yours to fix. It's your husband who decided he didn't want a full-time wife. His problem to fix.

Do not beg, plead or cajole. You will only wind up looking pathetic in his eyes. Stop the sex. He doesn't act like a husband so he doesn't get to enjoy the benefits of being a husband.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> Evinrude - if you don't mind my asking what are the things you think I don't know that will lead to divorce?


1 why he doesn't want to live with you anymore.
2why he got fired 
3 what woman he is after
4 what woman he sees between mon. And thurs.

A husband doesn't live away from his wife like this fir no good reason. 
I know you don't want to accept the truth because it's so hurtful.
However, you CAN handle losing him, you CAN get over him and learn to love again, and you CAN be happy after divorce.

You can't help the fear, but you can be courageous and not be a doormat. I am asking you something now:

What are the negatives of talking to a lawyer and getting an idea about your future?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If you can't afford an attorney, you can call around for free consultations. Or you can call the county clerk's office and find out the cost to file. You can file the first paperwork on your own, which gives him time to respond and gets the ball rolling. You can stop this process at any time.

Fear of the unknown is understandable. But, you are pretty much living single now... so not much would actually change.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

M, 
You have been married for twelve years and you have health issues...hubs will likely be required to support you, at least partially.

It's pretty clear he's done.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> 1 why he doesn't want to live with you anymore.
> 2why he got fired
> 3 what woman he is after
> 4 what woman he sees between mon. And thurs.
> ...


Exactly. Evinrude makes very valid points.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

And just to validate E's post further, I was devastated when my wife wanted to divorce...and I discovered that I was stronger than I ever dreamed, and it was all for the best.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

So in answer to ? 1 he said my chronic health issues were stressing him out to the point that he couldn't cope anymore. He couldn't sleep because I was always tossing and turning and in a lot of pain some nights and making too much noise because of it. Apartment is too messy because I don't feel good enough a lot of the time to deal with it. I never want to go anywhere because I don't know when I might get sick. He says the 2 days/2 nights a week when he doesn't have to go to work the next day is as much as he can deal with. All of which I have to admit I totally understand.

#2 Why he got fired it was my BIL who told me it was sexual harassment in the form of inappropriate comments. Husband says it was all a misunderstanding and that both the woman and the management over reacted.

#3 and 4 I can't imagine him cheating. His ex wife cheated on him and he hates her for it and has always said how little use he has for cheaters. He thinks they are the lowest of the low. So I just don't see him turning around and engaging in that type of behavior himself.

Last night was terrible though. My car broke down on the way home from work and I had no one to come and get me. I ended up having to spend money I don't have for a tow truck and a taxi home. I guess I'm going to have to have a serious talk with him this weekend if only about the money problems. Especially since my doctors are telling me I may end up on disability soon.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

His running Away from his responsibilities.

He is not care giver material. It's hard to care for another. Not everyone can do this. 

Yes, you need to hold him accountable monetarily. If your illness is just an excuse. He will fight giving you money because he wants it to build a new life for himself and your replacement.

Sorry, but that's the hand you've been dealt.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> So in answer to ? 1 he said my chronic health issues were stressing him out to the point that he couldn't cope anymore. He couldn't sleep because I was always tossing and turning and in a lot of pain some nights and making too much noise because of it. Apartment is too messy because I don't feel good enough a lot of the time to deal with it. I never want to go anywhere because I don't know when I might get sick. He says the 2 days/2 nights a week when he doesn't have to go to work the next day is as much as he can deal with. All of which I have to admit I totally understand.


Sounds to me like he never really loved you. Very selfish man.



> #2 Why he got fired it was my BIL who told me it was sexual harassment in the form of inappropriate comments. Husband says it was all a misunderstanding and that both the woman and the management over reacted.


Sure they did. *rolls eyes*



> #3 and 4 I can't imagine him cheating. His ex wife cheated on him and he hates her for it and has always said how little use he has for cheaters. He thinks they are the lowest of the low. So I just don't see him turning around and engaging in that type of behavior himself.


My bil used to say the same thing . . . until he cheated.

Beware loudmouths on cheating. 



> Last night was terrible though. My car broke down on the way home from work and I had no one to come and get me. I ended up having to spend money I don't have for a tow truck and a taxi home. I guess I'm going to have to have a serious talk with him this weekend if only about the money problems. Especially since my doctors are telling me I may end up on disability soon.


See a lawyer and file. Insist on half of everything plus alimony. I hope you can get disability, too. 

Good luck, OP.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What people say and what they do is very different. However, if the man can't sleep because you're all over the place in bed and such, that is rough. 
What's the chronic illness? Curable?

It does sound like you're a handful. But he can sleep on the other room. Not another town. A person that loves you wants to be with you.
You are seeing your faults. You're not seeing his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Of course nobody's telling you to stay with this man. Look at what he's doing with the money. He has a legal obligation to support you, and he is not doing it.

If you want to know where someone's priority lies, look at where their time and their money are going. Neither of those are going to you.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I''m echoing the others. Yes, chronic health issues can be difficult for a spouse to deal with...but he could sleep in another room, etc. 

How did it feel to have your car break down, with no spouse nearby to come to your aid? Does that feel like a good marriage?

I never felt so lonely as I did sitting in the E.R. with my elderly mom (congestive heart failure) and having my calls to my wife go straight to voice mail. She was in another state, on business, as she was 80% of the time.

Just think about it.

He's not engaged any longer and it shows in his actions.

Like the others, I am very leery of his excuses for his situation as well.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> He comes up here on weekends. His parents and his brother live near me so he makes a point of seeing them as well.
> 
> He doesn't give me money for rent or anything but he does spend money on me while he is here, like he will take me out to buy groceries. He does pay the car insurance and the credit card bill since they are joint accounts. But if we don't move back in together I am probably going to have to move in with my parents or else get a roommate because I have almost nothing left after rent and utilities.


This is the big issue to me. Marriages have survived long distance phases, but in those cases there was true partnership and the travelling spouse didn't leave the at home spouse without money!

What does he say when you tell him you can't keep up with the bills for the house by yourself? What does he say when you tell him you don't like the arrangement and want to move where he is? If you can't communicate about things like this, your marriage has much bigger problems than long-distance.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

So I called my husband today and told him about my car which needs almost $1500 in repairs. I can't fix the car and pay the rent this month. I told him he would need to pay for one or the other and he told me I should give up the apartment and move in with my parents because he can't afford to pay my rent and his. I suggested once again that I simply move in with him and he said that wasn't an option because he insists his new place isn't big enough for two people which is true because it's a small studio apartment. But if I didn't have to pay rent on my place we could combine our income and get someplace bigger quite easily.

Well, he finally broke down and told me the truth. He's already lost the new job. Seems he didn't tell them the truth up front about why he lost the last job and they found out and fired him for dishonesty. So he's living in a tiny dumpy apartment while he hunts for another position. He didn't want me to know he'd lost two jobs in less than 4 months. It would seem he hasn't told his family either. So I told him why not just move back up here we'll find a cheap place together and he'll have a better chance to find another job here because it's a bigger city. But he says his professional reputation is so destroyed locally that he figures he won't get another decent job unless he leaves the area completely - maybe even the state.

In the end we got nowhere except he's going to stay where he is for now and job hunt and I'm going to give up my apartment, sell my car, and find another place on the same bus route as my workplace and learn to cope with public transportation for the first time since I graduated from college. He says we can revisit the situation once he finds another job.

I get where he's coming from, I really do. But I hate that he is the one making all the decisions and not letting me have any say in anything. Maybe it's because he's almost a decade older than me and because he's had to be my caregiver several times over the years but he treats me like a child and I'm really getting sick of it. I'm in my mid 30s and honestly I think I'm more mature than he is not less.

I'm starting to even wonder if I want to stay with him. What kind of man hides it from his wife that he got fired twice in a matter of just a few months? And he still denies any wrongdoing at the first place...

BTW Evinrude I have Lyme disease, IBS, PCOS, thyroid disease, frequently recurring kidney stones, and mitral valve prolapse. So I'm basically a walking medical disaster. And yes, every single one of those conditions has been officially diagnosed. I've been fighting for disability for over 2 years now and I'm just hoping it comes through before I lose MY job for calling in sick too often.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You have to be there for him now that you know the truth. He didn't handle losing two jobs very well. He blamed his leaving on you to hide the fact that he lost two jobs in such a short time. He is probably feeling depressed. He will not want to come back to your town due to shame. Keep talking to him. Move in with your parents if they will take you. 

Money problems destroy marriages too. You need to communicate and observe him more. If he is in his 40's, he may be going through midlife. Problems are magnified for some midlifers at this time in their lives. 

I am so glad he wasn't cheating. That would have hurt you like crazy. I hope you guys make it out of this monetary rut.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am so sorry that all these things have happened to you. I don't know why he doesn't want to live with you. I don't care how small the apartment is, it wouldn't matter to me.

But, I hope you can work this out and be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

Bibi - I know I need to be supportive of him. It's just hard right now because he's been so unsupportive of me with my health issues (he's always accusing me of being too needy but it's not like I can help it). Since I've been trying to get disability he's started accusing me of wanting to be just another bum living off of other peoples' taxes. Even though he knows I love my job and hate the thought of having to leave it. 

I understand that he's embarrassed and maybe ashamed as well but at the same time if he really did get fired for just cause I don't know how much I can sympathize with him. He told me he was fired for inappropriate language not for inappropriate comments. I don't know too many companies these days that fire people just because they drop a few too many F bombs, at least not jobs where you don't interact with the public. But he can be crude to women I've known him to do things like pinch or smack a waitresses' ass in a restaurant but I just can't believe he'd be dumb enough to pull a stunt like that at work. And I don't know if the new employer fired him for what he did at the last job, or for not disclosing the real reason he got fired.

I also can't help but wonder why he won't move back home. We simply can't afford two separate households right now. Embarrassed or not, he's throwing away money we don't have.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> I also can't help but wonder why he won't move back home. We simply can't afford two separate households right now. Embarrassed or not, he's throwing away money we don't have.


Because there is no "we". He didn't say anything that is encouraging to the relationship. He pretty much said he'd think about it later...when things are looking up. THEN he may think about being with his wife, living as a couple, sharing a life..... wtf???? 

He sure sounds like he wants out. You give him credit, while at the same time stating that he isn't supportive. And he isn't. 

Move in with your parents, work on taking care of yourself. Ignore him for awhile. Take care of your health and your finances. Figure out what you can do. 

You realize that you are already doing all of this without him anyway, which is why you originally posted. 

You may not think so now, but you can do this. You will feel better without someone like him, than "with" him. All this worry and wonder...that shouldn't even exist.... will be gone.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Your husband has tendencies that need to be fixed for sure. Him telling you that you are a bum for going on disability is crazy. You don't get tons of money on disability. 

Looks like he has a big mouth too. You know him best. I know you love this guy or you would not have been married to him for this long. 

You guys have to keep talking. He does need to come home or you need to go to him. Living separately is not going to help your relationship. Money problems and illness have not helped either.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

I'd have to quit my job to move in with my parents. They live more than 60 miles away from where I work. Then there would be no income at all. They are both retired so it really wouldn't be fair to ask them to pay my way. And there aren't any jobs other than farm work where they live - I'm not strong enough for that kind of thing. Plus if I quit working I lose my health insurance. I can't afford to let that happen. I don't make a lot of money but I do actually have pretty good benefits.

My husband didn't suggest that I move back with my parents for financial reasons though. He suggested it because when I have a really bad health spell I need some to take care of me. Which should be him, not my both in their 70s parents who both have heart disease themselves!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband needs to keep his dirty hands off the waitresses before he gets a pot of hot coffee down his pants. I know men used to do this shyte 40-50 years ago but this is a different century and he needs to learn. His actions are appalling. He could actually be arrested for his behavior.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

Blondie - in his defense he hasn't done this in years. Not since I told him I didn't like it. But his father is even worse and his brother is the same way so I would say it's most likely a product of their upbringing. Seriously my FIL is the poster child for Jeff Foxworthy's You Know You're a ******* jokes... Husband and BIL are nowhere near as bad but it definitely comes out at times. I used to think it was cute. Now it just comes across as really childish and even intolerant at times.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Oh, thanks for the easy one!

Let me see if I got it right so far: He's 3 hrs away, and likes it and you don't. Do I have the gist of it?

If so, let him know what your idea of marriage is and see what he says. "Status quo" gives you your answer. The real question you're trying to post then, is how to accept that. Different than not knowing what to do or what it means.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

I think you need to read the rest of the thread. He's pretty much admitted to me that he's doing this because he's suffering from severe humiliation and shame over losing 2 jobs in just 4 months. He didn't want me to find out and so was trying to hide from me until he found another job.

Unfortunately even now that I know the truth, he's decided we shouldn't live together again until such time as he is financially capable of supporting me. He doesn't in the least bit like the idea of me financially supporting him, even if it's only temporary.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, he didn't tell you why he lost his job, the BIL did, and then your H told you that the woman and the manager "overreacted". You're buying that? Really? 

Without decent evidence of wrongdoing, most companies will NOT fire an employee due to the allegations of another employee for fear of being sued for wrongful dismissal. Not to mention, whatever he did was heinous enough that it "destroyed his reputation".

He then tells you he abandoned you (no mistake, that's what he did...he abandoned his damn near disabled wife) because he couldn't handle the health problem and their effects, only to later admit he lied (again) and he really lost his job, has to pay for a sh!tty apartment, and you simply can' come be with him. Because, somehow, it's not possible for two people to live in a small, sh!tty, apartment so that they can be together and take care of each other per their marriage vows.

How do you believe a word this man says?

Were I you, I'd make a surprise visit to his apartment. I have a sneaking suspicion that there is another woman involved.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Oh come on now, the man doesn't have a job. He screwed up royally and the whole town knows. He feels shame. Probably anger, frustration and depression.

What woman would want to be his mistress?

OP, you are right. You need your benefits. How are you going to pay a place to live? Your husband doesn't have a job now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The way you describe thus man, I have to wonder about what else he's lied about. One doesn't feel shame for getting fired, if there wasn't a good reason for it. He's done something. What else has he done.

You aren't privy to all the info.

You really need to do some detective work. You might start by calling his old boss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> The way you describe thus man, I have to wonder about what else he's lied about. One doesn't feel shame for getting fired, if there wasn't a good reason for it. He's done something. What else has he done.
> 
> You aren't privy to all the info.
> 
> ...


While this is true, the most important thing is her and her health. He ran away for nothing. The mess he made in the town where you two live followed him to the other job. He may not get work for a long time.

OP, you do realize you problems just got a whole lot bigger. Call him up and talk to him. You need his help where you are. He has no work. You are very right. He is just spending money you guys don't have. He needs to come back in case you get sick. He doesn't get to run away anymore. 

What will you do if he doesn't listen and won't come home?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Oh come on now, the man doesn't have a job. He screwed up royally and the whole town knows. He feels shame. Probably anger, frustration and depression.
> 
> What woman would want to be his mistress?


The guy ducked out on his disabled wife leaving her along to fend for herself. So ... maybe he's just lying about losing the other job is a crock. Maybe it was a crock that he got a new job to begin with and moved out there for other reasons. 

We really have no idea and potentially neither does the OP. 

And even if he feels shame, I'm sorry but ... being ashamed doesn't mean you get to temporarily abandon your wife. Why when bad things happen to men their feelings just kind of justify walking out of life, but there's all the rage about WAWs when they have the same kinds of feelings?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm not saying what he did is right, but that is what he did. He walked away from his responsibilities towards her. He finally now told her he lost the 2nd job due to the incident in his previous job. 

This may be another lie too. OP needs to find out. She also needs him home. 

I don't know if he will come back though. This is messed up for sure!


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

The more I think about, the more upset I get with him. One of the other posters commented that he's concerned that everyone in town knows what he did. But this isn't a town. This is freakin Buffalo NY with around 3 million people. Almost nobody knows what he did. It's not like he's some kind of union worker who can be blackballed from his industry. He's an efficiency expert and he specializes in working for utility companies. And even if he can't get another job in another utility company I'm sure he could find one in another industry. And until then even a job as a cashier at Walmart would help contribute to the bills. He put himself through college pumping gas he can do it again. But based on the phone conversations we've been having I get the impression he's not really even trying. Last night when he called he was obviously drunk and he said he wouldn't be up until sometime today because he wasn't up for the drive. He's not usually a drinker so I have to admit this worries me. I might very well have driven down there to check on him but my car is still in the shop.

I hate this more and more every day. I hate not knowing what he's up to on a day to day basis. I hate struggling to survive on what little money I have left after the rent is paid. I hate realizing that the only way I'm going to make it financially is to move to the "bad" side of the city where the gangs are. I hate that he doesn't seem bothered by the fact that I'm going to have to move there. I hate that I'm so broke I have no choice but to go to work even when I can barely drag myself out of bed because I can't afford to lose even an hours pay. For the first time in my life I'm glad that I couldn't have kids because then we'd really be in trouble. Although maybe if we had kids he wouldn't be pulling this stunt...

I have to have a colonoscopy Friday. I'm going to have to ask my parents to make the 120 mile round trip into the city to take me because of the sedative they give you I can't go alone. That's not fair to them. But my husband already refused. He says he just CAN'T deal with my medical sh*t right now.

I feel so alone. I'm so afraid right now that I'm going to wake up one day and realize I'm a 60 year old single crazy cat lady with no life. Assuming my body holds out that long.

I have to go get ready for work. I've spent the past 2 hours in the bathroom being sick and I'm sure it will continue at work but what choice do I have?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> The more I think about, the more upset I get with him. One of the other posters commented that he's concerned that everyone in town knows what he did. But this isn't a town. This is freakin Buffalo NY with around 3 million people. Almost nobody knows what he did. It's not like he's some kind of union worker who can be blackballed from his industry. He's an efficiency expert and he specializes in working for utility companies. And even if he can't get another job in another utility company I'm sure he could find one in another industry. And until then even a job as a cashier at Walmart would help contribute to the bills. He put himself through college pumping gas he can do it again. But based on the phone conversations we've been having I get the impression he's not really even trying. Last night when he called he was obviously drunk and he said he wouldn't be up until sometime today because he wasn't up for the drive. He's not usually a drinker so I have to admit this worries me. I might very well have driven down there to check on him but my car is still in the shop.
> 
> I hate this more and more every day. I hate not knowing what he's up to on a day to day basis. I hate struggling to survive on what little money I have left after the rent is paid. I hate realizing that the only way I'm going to make it financially is to move to the "bad" side of the city where the gangs are. I hate that he doesn't seem bothered by the fact that I'm going to have to move there. I hate that I'm so broke I have no choice but to go to work even when I can barely drag myself out of bed because I can't afford to lose even an hours pay. For the first time in my life I'm glad that I couldn't have kids because then we'd really be in trouble. Although maybe if we had kids he wouldn't be pulling this stunt...
> 
> ...


I stand by my previous advice. I think you should explain to him that you will either be living as a married couple, or living as singles, and be divorced. "My place is too small" is an excuse, don't let him get by with it. Just say "Then break your lease." Stand firm, don't get angry or yell, just let him know that this is not how things are going to continue. 

If his shame is too great, move to Chicago, Cincinnati, Boston, any place. Pack up and go to Pheonix. The internet has made finding work much easier.

PS I don't know NY law, but in my neck of the woods--and I thought through federal law--previous employers are forbidden from disclosing the reasons for termination. They are only allowed to discuss the length of your employment, position / duties, and whether you are eligible for rehire. If they called and told your H's new employer the reason for termination they could be facing labor law violations. HR departments are acutely aware of this, so I think the whole story smells fishy.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

So I just found out today that my employer is considering layoffs. I don't have much seniority so I'm probably on the short list to go.

My life just keeps getting better and better.

I don't know anything about how my husband lost either of his jobs. All I know is what he and his brother told me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Could you ask one of his parents to help you out with the colonoscopy? Even if they say no, they'll know that their son is a piece of crap.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

His parents don't drive anymore. They're both in worse health than I am and reside in an assisted living facility. FIL has lung cancer and MIL has severe diabetes.

You can partly understand that H can't handle the stress of my medical issues right now. He's facing very likely losing both of his parents in the near future. If it were me, I'd want support. He seems to me lately like he's burying his head in the sand.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

So my husband just informed me that he is moving out to Seattle to stay with a friend there in hopes that he can find a job there. He told me I can join him once he finds something and gets settled. I don't want to move to the west coast and honestly I don't like the attitude he's giving me about not being allowed to live with him again until (unless) he decides he wants it. I asked him if he thought maybe we should just split up and he was like if that's what you want then go for it I won't stop you. Doesn't seem like the attitude of a man who cares about his wife/marriage. I'm starting to think he's already checked out and may have been for a while now. The last 2 weekends he's stopped even coming over for booty calls.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

So I found out today that the friend in Seattle that my H wants to move in with is gay. H has admitted to me in the past that he used to swing both ways back in his college days. I can't help but wonder if he's looking to start that up again being so far away from me.

Is it time for me to give up on ever making this marriage work again and get myself a lawyer? Or should I consider following him to Seattle and seeing what happens? I have a cousin there who says he'd be more than happy to let me stay with him for a few months if I need to in order to give one last shot at saving my marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hun, I think your husband is checking out. You don't even know what he did at his work. Whatever it is it wasn't good. I think the answer to your question is at least for now you have to start preparing to be on your own and start taking care of yourself. Your life is not over, there is good things down the line but you have to start taking some action.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is a lying sleazeball, there is no other way to put it. And yes, I do believe its time you let it go and got a lawyer. This entire situation is just disgusting. Free yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You really need to face that you don't have a marriage to save. 

He's moving in with a gay friend across he country and he's told you before he's had gay experiences in college? Yeah, I'd say that a red flag but even if it actually isn't, the fact is he's leaving you behind. That's the part you should focus on. 

You need to let go.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

How do you feel about your H moving across the country to go do the wild thang with his gay buddy? 

Your H is brazenly pursuing other people for sex...man or woman doesn't seem to matter to him. I am not sure why it doesn't seem to matter to you. 

You are in an open marriage, is that what you want?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Oh yeah, and there is this little problem your H seems to have with impulse control. 

Is he on the spectrum or has he had addiction issues in the past?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> So my husband just informed me that he is moving out to Seattle to stay with a friend there in hopes that he can find a job there. He told me I can join him once he finds something and gets settled. I don't want to move to the west coast and honestly I don't like the attitude he's giving me about not being allowed to live with him again until (unless) he decides he wants it. I asked him if he thought maybe we should just split up and he was like if that's what you want then go for it I won't stop you. Doesn't seem like the attitude of a man who cares about his wife/marriage. I'm starting to think he's already checked out and may have been for a while now. The last 2 weekends he's stopped even coming over for booty calls.


Unfortunately because of your health issues, you've tolerated an awfully lot of very poor, selfish behavior on his part. A couple of weeks ago you were analyzing whether he would have been a better husband if the two of you had children. I can emphatically say that no, he wouldn't have been a better husband. 

I'm afraid that he is lying to you even more than you realize. I doubt that he was fired from his second job because of what happened in his first job. In fact, I guess that he never even had a 2nd job. 

Despite your health issues, you are better without him. I simply could not imagine leaving my wife alone with serious health issues and forcing her to live in poverty. With this detail about your husband, no one here is giving you advice on how to make your marriage happy. Marriages can be sometimes become better when both partners very much want the marriage to improve. 

Your husband is not only very selfish, but he seems quite sleazy. You need to doubt everything little thing he says.

Sorry and I hope you stick around for support.


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