# How do I initiate sex?



## colflu (Jun 12, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Before we married I never initiated sex and he seemed to be fine with that. After we married things changed so drastically. He became less interested in sex and I thought maybe he wasn't attracted to me. After having a long and open conversation about what we both want, the other day - my husband admitted to me that the reason for his lack of interest in sex is because I never initiate. He tells me that he feels I'm not attracted to him and he says he feels he doesn't have much self-esteem or confidence because of this. On the other hand I feel exactly the same because he doesn't initiate much either. Its a difficult situation because we are both feeling bad about ourselves because of what the other person isn't doing. We both confirmed that we are still attracted to each other and want to be make love more often. I understand my husbands frustration with my not initiating sex. For some reason though, I have such a big fear to initiate sex because I'm scared he says no or I'm scared I look stupid or silly. I know that doesn't really make sense because he's my husband and I doubt he'll ever say no and if he does then its okay. We don't always feel like it all the time. So basically I need to just gather my courage and try. My question is - how do I initiate? Any ideas and tips for someone who is shy and feeling a little awkward? Thanks...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohiodude (Jan 25, 2012)

My wife and I used to go through the cycle of hurt feelings due to declining sex, but now if one of us just doesn't feel like it (which is fine), we always give an alternate date: "Oh, I'm too tired from all the meetings at work today, how about we have an amazing session tomorrow night...?" That really helps with rejection issues.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

colflu said:


> I have such a big fear to initiate sex because I'm scared he says no or I'm scared I look stupid or silly. I know that doesn't really make sense because he's my husband and I doubt he'll ever say no and if he does then its okay


Sounds like what many men fear when asking or approaching ladies for sex or love making.

It sounds like you both want to make love. It is easier for a woman to do this since for the most part many men are ready to go pretty quick. It can be as simple as greeting him after work by unbuckling his pants to a morning bj that leads to more. I am sure he will not reject and rise to the occasion.

What plays in a guys head after some time after being married and the relationship becomes comfortable is the always needing to initiate. Once married men would think wives would be more relaxed and assertive once and awhile.

Once you make love which I am sure will happen if you initiate show some enthusiasm. Do not just let him lead, you do some directing in bed. Men like being seduced just like women, especially women we are in love with. 

relax, and just go for it, start with a kiss and go from there. You will be surprised how well he will accept the initial approach and both of you will have a great time. Once the ice has broke you will want to do this more often. 

My departed DW was fun at surprising me with a morning move. Most men have high t levels early in the morning. Just a thought.

Good luck, relax and have some fun.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

colflu said:


> For some reason though, I have such a big fear to initiate sex because I'm scared he says no or I'm scared I look stupid or silly.


I can really relate to this. This is pretty much where my wife and I are right now. She has turned me down and rejected me so many times that I am too afraid she will say no again.



colflu said:


> We don't always feel like it all the time. So basically I need to just gather my courage and try. My question is - how do I initiate? Any ideas and tips for someone who is shy and feeling a little awkward? Thanks...


You guys need to just agree on what you both want in your marriage. How many times a week do you need it to feel loved, how many times does he need it to feel loved? Then work on compromise. If he wants X and you want X - 3 then meet somewhere in the middle. Marriage is about give and take, sometimes you get your way and others he gets his. 

For some couples scheduling sex solves this problem you are describing. That way you both know at this particular time on this day of the week it's going down.

You might need to talk about some rules, for example, if it's been more than 3 days since the last time then no one is allowed to refuse the other. 

Also, almost anyone can turn a "not being interested" into a "ok I'll do this because I love you" event. Those should not be the norm but sometimes you just gotta give to your spouse. Likewise, they should be able to handle an occasional "not tonight", again, as long as it's not the norm. Also, if a spouse does turn down the other then a rain check should be scheduled within the next 48 hours. Sometimes if a spouse is too tired or injured they can do something else, HJ or oral, to still be there for the other one even if they can't go all the way.

Some women get in the mood by thinking about sex or wearing pretty under-things which their husband may like. Flirting or texting may help communicate to the other spouse that you are interested. If my wife were to text me throughout the day that she desired me that would put me more in the mood to pursue her that evening. 

I think if you were to talk more about each other's expectations then that might help with the fear of rejection part of it.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I read somewhere (probably on here) an idea which is sort of an initiation but does not involve an outright rejection if the other partner is not in the mood. The suggestion was for the person who was in the mood to light a candle in the bedroom as a signal to the other that they would welcome a sexual advance. It was up to the other whether or not they then initiated. If you are shy that might be something to consider.

Otherwise there's any number of ways to initiate. A kiss is always good. A flirty text message whilst at work saying you can't wait until he gets home. Wiggle your butt at him as you walk by. Give him a playful smack on his butt. Buy new underwear, wear it under your clothing and tell him you have new underwear that he might want to check out.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you affectionate with each other outside of bed? Do you randomly pat his butt when you pass by him, or give him a quick kiss or hug? Do you cuddle on the couch while watching tv? 

If so, then it doesn't take much more to initiate sex. If you're on the couch, just reach over and start caressing his leg or arm or something, maybe reach under his shirt to stroke his chest. Then give him a long kiss and keep going, just like making out on the couch when you were dating.

Then, of course, is the straight-forward approach: "Sweetheart, can you come to the bedroom for a minute?" He can find you naked in bed, or invite him into the shower with you...


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## DaveWalters (Aug 26, 2013)

Discretely get into bed wearing nothing, then overtly snuggle up to him and say, "Gosh, I'm freezing, can you warm me up?" When he puts his arms around you and feels just skin, you will have sufficiently earned an initiation "credit".


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## DaveWalters (Aug 26, 2013)

My first wife would do something funny, she would very seriously come to me with an itch on her back that needed scratching, except when I would try to find the spot, she should always say, "No... it's a little lower.. nope... lower." You've got to keep a serious tone about you though, and don't break it with flirty raised eyebrows until he's way down there.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I get where you are coming from. It is scary to make yourself vulnerable - even to a spouse. Our sexual selves are vulnerable and we don't want to be hurt or made fun of. Even with a long time spouse there are moments of -- does he still want me? 

First of all - think of the initiating as something you are doing for your husband, because you are. Even if you do not end up having sex you are still showing him that he is wanted. That is important.

Secondly - perhaps its easier to say earlier in the day or at the beginning of the week? I'd like to have you tonight - or - what days can we be together this week? The one rule with this approach, though, is that you must follow through. 

Last week my H and I had agreed Friday morning but he had some business stuff come up. This ended in a fight later with both of us feeling rejected because we each thought the other had forgotten. Instead of saying - how 
about that sex date we made - we both started sulking.

This week he approached me and started the conversation about sex - which meant a lot to me as I had started it last week. We are making baby steps it seems but being reminded that the other person is trying as well feels really reassuring that we will get there.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Send him a text message.
I want you to F me tonight.

I'm sure this would be one of the best days he's had in a long long time.


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## colflu (Jun 12, 2012)

Thanks very much for all the responses. We are very affectionate with each other. We will never walk past each other without a quick hug or a kis or even grabbing the other one's butt or something . Everything else in our marriage is pretty much perfect. Just the sex intiation thing. He told me that he needs to feel wanted (which would be me initiating sex) and i feel the same. Strange how simple the solution is really but like i said earlier i have this fear of looking stupid. There are some awesome suggestions here and i'm really grateful for that. Although i'm still petrified of actually doing it, i'm definitely going to give it a try. It's gotten to a stage now where we are both miserable and frustrated at the lack of sex yet we're both wanting it. We had a really open conversation a few days ago and i think we both know what the other would like from this relationship - sexual, emotional, etc. So here's hoping it all goes well...


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

colflu said:


> fear of looking stupid - So here's hoping it all goes well...


It will go well, contrary to your concerns your hubby will think of you as quite intelligent and sexy too.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

colflu said:


> For some reason though, I have such a big fear to initiate sex because I'm scared he says no or I'm scared I look stupid or silly. I know that doesn't really make sense because he's my husband and I doubt he'll ever say no and if he does then its okay. We don't always feel like it all the time. So basically I need to just gather my courage and try. My question is - how do I initiate? Any ideas and tips for someone who is shy and feeling a little awkward? Thanks...


 #1.. it's a beautiful thing you are both sensitive ...and so WANT the others desire... you share 
this !...This is great..the conversation you had should ELATE you.. HE WANTS YOU, he wants to feel desired...and you feel the same...it's mutual ! 

*Time for celebration... not fears !*

Now to have another  to  conversation ...that goes something like this...both be willing to allow the other to "get them in the mood"... unless of course one is too tired or sick.. other than this.. why not..if you have the available time... it will uplift you both... rejection will be out of the equation...

I did a thread on this..the most loving approach possible in marital sexual bliss... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html

And men LOVE to feel wanted, and desired by their wives, never allow fear to stop you... Go there...and do it often...until he turns you down..this is an irrational fear... it has no basis.

Here is an article > Sex Tips: The Shy Girl's Guide to Getting Comfortable in the Bedroom: 

And some book suggestions.. Go for it !

Sexually Shy: The Inhibited Woman's Guide To Good Sex: Books

What Men Really Want In Bed: The Surprising Secrets Men Wish Women Knew About Sex: Books

Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man: Books


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Tease him


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I really like Climbingthewalls' suggestion. Sometimes putting the initiation into words feels a little awkward, especially if you know it's kind of out of the blue. Having a non-verbal signal that each of you readily understands can be a big benefit. Light a candle, as was suggested, or find some other obvious signal for the other person, but make sure you are both on the same page about what it means. It lets either party let the other know that they're up for some fun time without having the awkward conversation of "so...have any plans for after CSI is over?"


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP have you ever try lingerie? I don't think there's a man alive who think a woman put on lingerie just to cuddle. 

Just don't get discourage if your actual time of wearing the lingerie is about 10 seconds before he take it off!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Go NiKe on him
JUST DO IT


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Do you have responsive desire only? 

Check this threrad out


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I initiated sex 99% of the time until finally, I kinda of gave up and don't anymore. Her unwillingness to do something about her body and LD wore me down and I'm done. But you'd think, now she is happy, right? Not pestered for sex. Nope. No sex equals friends and not much else. We've all read the LD vs HD posts here.....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

colflu...Instead of thinking of it like "initiating sex" could you just start making out with him anytime you are feeling close and affectionate? It doesn't even have to lead to sex necessarily, but the more making out a couple does, the more likely you will both be stirred up all the time.


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## colflu (Jun 12, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> OP have you ever try lingerie? I don't think there's a man alive who think a woman put on lingerie just to cuddle.
> 
> Just don't get discourage if your actual time of wearing the lingerie is about 10 seconds before he take it off!


I haven't tried lengerie - ever. I don't have such a good self image (which I'm working on) and honestly lingerie seems to only be for the smaller/thinner ladies (which I am not). Will have a look around for some stockists. Thanks for the advise!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## colflu (Jun 12, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> Go NiKe on him
> JUST DO IT


Love it! 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## colflu (Jun 12, 2012)

DaveWalters said:


> Discretely get into bed wearing nothing, then overtly snuggle up to him and say, "Gosh, I'm freezing, can you warm me up?" When he puts his arms around you and feels just skin, you will have sufficiently earned an initiation "credit".


Hi Dave. Tried this last night and nothing! Surprisingly. Don't know what happened. I got naked and started cuddling but no response from him. Quite disappointing.. Will have to try something else!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

I typically make eye contact with my wife, then look down at my crotch, then look back at her and raise my eyebrows. ~60% success rate. YMMV.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

colflu said:


> Hi Dave. Tried this last night and nothing! Surprisingly. Don't know what happened. I got naked and started cuddling but no response from him. Quite disappointing.. Will have to try something else!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is surprising in light of your recent talk. He had to have known what you were trying to do. Is he holding a grudge, do you think, over being refused on the past?

I resisted the idea of scheduling sex for a long time because I assumed it would take the fun and spontaneity out of it.

Plus it is a difficult thing for me to do - verbalize what I want and need from H and from sex.

However, I am finding it is working well. I still hesitiate, but can get the words out. Last week I only had to say - when can we be together before I leave on Thursday? Then he responded with a day. Then I planned on it even with some texts leading up to it. I found that it was exciting to know it was approaching. 

In any case, this situation I assumed was unromantic ended up being the opposite. I think its worth a the.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Worth a try - I hate posting from my kindle!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Colflu,
I just read the whole thread. Your husband is either very unusual or he is not being honest. It won't be hard for you to figure out which, you just have to be willing to ask yourself some questions and then ask him a few in a non-threatening way. 

A 'typical' pattern on this site, is that a high desire (HD) husband gradually gets more and more frustrated from doing 'most of the work to keep their sex life going'. It is a lengthy process, and usually the lower drive partner knows exactly what is happening. Good examples of doing most of the 'work' are:
- Having to initiate most/all the time and getting rejected a lot.
- Having to put much more time and effort into getting their partner aroused, than their partner puts into sex.
- Asking for positions or acts and getting rejected 

Your H says that your raw 'desire' for him is low and/or you don't care too much if he feels rejected/hurt when he does initiate. 

To questions below are intended for you to get a sense of whether that seems valid or maybe he is not being truthful. Please don't be offended by the questions, I am not implying you did or do any of this stuff. 

When he was initiating, how often did you:
- respond in a happy and enthusiastic way

- outright reject him (this ranges from 'no', to 'I'm tired')
- respond in an indifferent way 'oh ok, we can'
- not put much/any effort into foreplay for him?
- just lie there and wait for him to finish
- tell him to hurry up any finish

Rejection is normal every once in a while. When you did reject him, how did he act afterwards? 

A normal 'HD' partner will tolerate some amount of rejection, initial indifference and laziness. Indifference during sex tends to be more hurtful. 

-----------
If you find him highly desirable, were usually enthusiastic and rarely rejected him, than maybe he isn't being honest with you. 

Maybe this isn't about 'your desire for him'. Maybe it's about his desire for you. These questions are about 'that'. 
1. Has your weight changed from when you started dating/got married? 
2. Are you more aggressive/controlling with him now that he is 'your husband'? 
3. Do you fight more? 
4. Are you the more dominant person in the marriage? 
5. Are you highly critical of him? 

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In the beginning, did he:
- Seem to have a generally high sex drive? 
- Interact with you in a highly sexualized way during the day even when it was many hours before you might get to the bedroom?
- Was he in a 'hurry' or did he like foreplay?
- Did he like/love touching you in and outside the bedroom?
- Did he initiate giving you oral sex 

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colflu said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years. Before we married I never initiated sex and he seemed to be fine with that. After we married things changed so drastically. He became less interested in sex and I thought maybe he wasn't attracted to me. After having a long and open conversation about what we both want, the other day - my husband admitted to me that the reason for his lack of interest in sex is because I never initiate. He tells me that he feels I'm not attracted to him and he says he feels he doesn't have much self-esteem or confidence because of this. On the other hand I feel exactly the same because he doesn't initiate much either. Its a difficult situation because we are both feeling bad about ourselves because of what the other person isn't doing. We both confirmed that we are still attracted to each other and want to be make love more often. I understand my husbands frustration with my not initiating sex. For some reason though, I have such a big fear to initiate sex because I'm scared he says no or I'm scared I look stupid or silly. I know that doesn't really make sense because he's my husband and I doubt he'll ever say no and if he does then its okay. We don't always feel like it all the time. So basically I need to just gather my courage and try. My question is - how do I initiate? Any ideas and tips for someone who is shy and feeling a little awkward? Thanks...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Here is a great way for any woman to initiate sex without saying a word:


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It is the mans job to initiate. If he is 'scared' to do it you have to help him to overcome this. Do you ever reject him. 

My advice would be the opposite of what others have given. If you dont want him give him some sign. A towel placed somewhere or anything else that he can readily see. 

If you havent done this then he will know he wont be rejected. 

This can of course work the other way round by him putting an article telling you, you will be rejected if he puts it there. But i dont think this is advisable. The man has to initiate and be sure he wont be rejected that is really the only way for a marriage to work.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

accept said:


> It is the mans job to initiate....



I disagree. In a marriage with two healthy people, initiating sex should be a two way street. Both should communicate their desires for each other, not just the man. Just my opinion.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do I initiate sex?*



I Notice The Details said:


> I disagree. In a marriage with two healthy people, initiating sex should be a two way street. Both should communicate their desires for each other, not just the man. Just my opinion.


amen. nothing more disheartening than feeling like the only reason it ever happens is that you want it and try. men like to feel desired too.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

My wife bought a nice hot pink lingerie outfit this weekend. I knew she would wear it Saturday night but fell asleep around 10pm. She woke up at 2am, put it on and woke me up by moving around in bed and snuggled up to me. 
Of course I woke up and started caressing her arse. A few spankings and we went at it for 1 hour. 

Now that's initiating. I can't think of a better way for a wife to initiate and a husband to be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

If you want to start to initiate sex with your husband do those things women do best. It doesn't mean you have to become a "Ho" or anything but men are visual so try lingerie that is a major turn on for most men. Get really sexy and call him into the room. Do it in a completely unexpected manner. Leave the room go dress up and then call him as if it's something very important. Which it is you want to get his engine running. The best time to do this is when you are both home and you do not have to compete with something that draws his focus. 
However, you will never be able to pull this off unless you are first secure and confident in your sexuality. Once you are you can convey this concept to him without words, simply by actions, and there is no reason you need to be cheap or anything like that just be yourself and as sexy as he**. Then simply be yourself.
Believe me I am no sex-pert but I am a man and this is what I enjoy. They say variety is the spice of life and in sex it is no different.


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