# Crossroads



## Cloudy1 (May 30, 2012)

I’m at a crossroads.

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, married for almost 18. When we met he was only a couple months separated from his first wife, their divorce was not final yet. I was 18 and he was my first serious BF. Looking back there were red flags that I was too young and stupid to even understand. He has a son from his previous marriage, age 21, and we have a daughter together, age 15. He has struggled with depression really for as long as we’ve been together, arguably since his childhood. There is a strong family history of mental illness in his family. He started taking medication for it probably 15 years ago (guesstimate) but never did anything regarding therapy until the last few months.

I have two main issues. One is that he jumps from job to job and has done so since I’ve known him. I learned early on in the relationship that I would not be able to rely on him to stay employed consistently. Before our daughter was born he would just up and quit. Not show up to the job anymore and not answer the employer’s calls or call them. After our daughter was born he would still switch jobs often but would at least have something lined up before he would quit. I’ll give him credit in that regard but the job hopping is still really stressful on me. He says that it’s not my concern and he has the right to change jobs whenever he wants. This is true but I think the reasons he can’t hold a job are tied into his depression issues. He starts a job and it’s all fine and new, then something happens and he hates it. He’s on a cycle of 9 months to a year or so, that’s REALLY often to be switching jobs in my opinion.

In the past I always tried to stay optimistic about his employment issues. In the beginning I told myself that he just wanted to find better jobs that paid more (we really struggled financially in the beginning). Then he got a factory job that paid really well. I thought OK, this is good, we’re more financially stable. We bought a bigger house in a better area with a nice yard for the kids. He was at that job for about 4 years but then was laid off during the recession. He got unemployment and qualified for a state program to go back to school. I had advanced in my career to where I was able to cover pretty much all of the household expenses with my pay. I thought to myself, well, you know, he’s always really wanted a career and not just a ‘job’. Now he has an opportunity for that. He went into nursing, worked part time, we did OK. He cheated on me with a girl he met at work who was also taking nursing classes at the same college. That was horrible but I stayed. He finished school and by the time he was done he hated nursing and everything and everyone related to the nursing program. Seven years later he’s working as an RN but hopping from one job to another.

Second is the depression and mood issues. I just want off the roller coaster, I am emotionally spent in that regard. His depression manifests as anger and isolating himself. Regarding anger, that’s typically his first reaction to any stressor. And It’s really hard to feel like I’m being ignored while he has his moods. I try to tell myself that it’s not me, early on in the relationship, being young with no experience with mental health issues, I would internalize these situations and think I did something wrong, I made him mad. The isolation comes after the anger, he won’t talk to anyone or do anything. He hit his lowest ever around Christmas, got to a point of feeling suicidal. At one point he asked me for help, to help get him help. I got appointments made with a psychologist he had seen a year before. There was a 2 month wait so I checked on other options for providers but they would have been just as long so we decided that it was best to wait. He sees a different provider for his meds that we were able to see more quickly. He made a med change and then a dosage increase a month later. I think since last Thanksgiving we’ve had 5 episodes with his mood. The latest was last week. Two stressful days at work and he shut down, didn’t go to work for two days after that and pretty much isolated himself and did nothing for those two days and the weekend.

To top it off our daughter has had mental health issues since early 2016 as well and had been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts in fall of 2017. She stabilized in the summer of 2018 and is doing much better and has responded to her treatment very well. 

From my perspective I started really thinking hard about this situation in February 2018. He had a mood episode and was switching jobs (again) around that time and I finally woke up and told myself that “this will never change.” I can’t keep explaining this away. We got in a major fight and that was when he started seeing the psychologist. Two sessions then he stopped in the mid-summer 2018. 

After last week’s episode, on Sunday night he said that he doesn’t care about my opinion but he’s going to look for a different job. That put me over the edge. We were fighting and I finally spoke the words. “I want a divorce.” He flipped. He says…. that he’s making progress and now I want to bail? ….what a selfish, hypocritical b!tch I am. ….he’s doing everything he can to try to get better ….and you want to BAIL on me!!! ……F you (repeated about two dozen times).

My response……I love you but I just can’t do this anymore. I want off the roller coaster.

I do love him, I want him to get better. But at this point, after 20 years, will it ever happen? I finally agreed, I haven’t given this treatment enough time. He is doing more than he’s ever done to get better. I felt like a horrible person and said I will stay. The next day, he said that he wasn’t sure. After me actually saying I wanted a divorce, he’s not sure he can move on from that. I told him I respect that and he can think it over and let me know.

Here’s my crossroads. I choose him and stay the course hoping that maybe this time he will put in the work and get better. Or, I leave and try to make my own happiness. Or I guess maybe he’ll tell me that too much damage has been done and now he’s done with the marriage too.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I am sorry. 

Long story short, time to leave. It actually was time to leave YEARS ago. 

I know it sucks. I have lived this, and I am still alive to say that 1) You cannot fix him, 2) his behavior, for whatever reason, is completely childish, and out of line and unnerving at every level 3) If he is not getting proper help, and frankly even if he is, there is no way of staying with him and having any expectation of a "normal", "stable" life. it is not going to happen. 

You cannot fix this, and he apparently never will, if he can at all... 

Time to go...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cloudy1 said:


> Here’s my crossroads. I choose him and stay the course hoping that maybe this time he will put in the work and get better. Or, I leave and try to make my own happiness. Or I guess maybe he’ll tell me that too much damage has been done and now he’s done with the marriage too.



Here’s the thing. You had your “click” moment back in February 2018. That moment you woke up and realized this is never going to change. You were right, it’s not. Once you have that click, you can’t unclick. You have a crappy husband. He’s always been a crappy husband. He will continue to be a crappy husband. Being with someone who job hops is mentally and financially exhausting. Being with someone who has anger issues is exhausting. And on top of all that, he even cheated on you. 
Nothing is going to change. He may be on his best behavior for a few weeks or months. But you’ve been with him 20 years, and you know who he REALLY is. 


So as far as your crossroads… Picture yourself ten years from now on that same road you’re currently on... how does it make you feel? So... you can continue on the road that you have been on that you know leads to nowhere, following the unhappiness... or you can take the new road where there are actually real possibilities for happiness and peace and something new. You deserve so much better than what you have now, and you know what you really want to do here. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cloudy1 (May 30, 2012)

BluesPower and 3Xnocharm - Thank you both for your replies, I appreciate it  And yes, 3Xnocharm, I have thought a lot about where I will be in the future if I stay. I can't imagine being 50 or 60 years old and still going through this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this article and see if it fits. If it does, and I suspect it does, this isn't about him being depressed. It's about him being emotionally abusive. What does that mean? It means you're being roped in through harmful means and you have every right to leave, no matter 'what stage' of recovery he is in. 

Make plans to leave and tell him he's welcome to date you from another home. You'll see what happens with his improvements. 

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#humiliation-negating-and-criticizing


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