# Separation from a sweet guy because of sexless life?



## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

My husband and I are having very hard time in understanding each other' needs sexually. He is very sweet and nice guy but he always complain about his stress level at work. We have sex once a month or less. We have worked over it by talking to each other, reading books, watching educational movie, and changing the approaches. Nothing worked at all. I am 38 yrs old and thinking if we get separated and none of us could find a match, doesnt it beat me up that why I have done such a stupid thing to get divorced because of sex? If I was younger the possibilities to find someone was quite higher and my fear was less. We dont have a kid. Any advice is apprecaited.
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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I divorced my ex at 45 because of lack of sex (and other reasons, too). I only waited that long because we had a child. I don't know if you have explored all avenues to deal with your problem (does he have low testosterone levels, for instance?), but unless there is some medical or external factor that accounts for the problem, the likelihood of fixing it is very, very low.

It's not all that hard to date and meet someone new who is a better match, IMO. Who you find depends a lot on what you bring to a new relationship, and how well you put yourself out there to meet people. I met my new wife when she was 37 and I was 45, and this relationship is as good as it gets for us both.


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## Red Hare (May 13, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I divorced my ex at 45 because of lack of sex (and other reasons, too). I only waited that long because we had a child. I don't know if you have explored all avenues to deal with your problem (does he have low testosterone levels, for instance?), but unless there is some medical or external factor that accounts for the problem, the likelihood of fixing it is very, very low.
> 
> It's not all that hard to date and meet someone new who is a better match, IMO. Who you find depends a lot on what you bring to a new relationship, and how well you put yourself out there to meet people. I met my new wife when she was 37 and I was 45, and this relationship is as good as it gets for us both.


Encouraging words. To the OP, I'm strongly considering divorcing because of a terrible sexual relationship with my wife. It sounds petty, but only to people who have never been in a marriage with a really lousy sexual relationship. Believe me, I know exactly where you're coming from, though our problems are a bit different.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I divorced my ex at 45 because of lack of sex (and other reasons, too). I only waited that long because we had a child. I don't know if you have explored all avenues to deal with your problem (does he have low testosterone levels, for instance?), but unless there is some medical or external factor that accounts for the problem, the likelihood of fixing it is very, very low.
> 
> It's not all that hard to date and meet someone new who is a better match, IMO. Who you find depends a lot on what you bring to a new relationship, and how well you put yourself out there to meet people. I met my new wife when she was 37 and I was 45, and this relationship is as good as it gets for us both.


I have asked him several times to go to counselling or he does testosterone test but hr refuses we never had a hot sex in our marriage life he is very supportive and nice person and we share many common things but there is no chemistry or love between us. We have tried to start over 2-3 times it stayed well for couple of weeks but then came back to where it was .
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I also left my marriage, in a large part due to a lack of intimacy. I was 43 at the time. Best decision I've made in a long time. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

nikoo said:


> I have asked him several times to go to counselling or he does testosterone test but hr refuses


That's not really consistent with being a "sweet guy", if he isn't willing to work on things. 



> _ we never had a hot sex in our marriage life he is very supportive and nice person and we share many common things but there is no chemistry or love between us. We have tried to start over 2-3 times it stayed well for couple of weeks but then came back to where it was.
> _


So in other words, you are roommates. I'm sure you love your brother too, but you wouldn't want to marry him.

He's not trying, and you two don't have any children. Time to leave is before you have children, not after.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

how old is he?


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

michzz said:


> how old is he?


43yrs old
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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Does either of you come from a culture that is, ehem, less forthcoming about things sexual than usual? If he was never the type, could it be cultural??


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

john117 said:


> Does either of you come from a culture that is, ehem, less forthcoming about things sexual than usual? If he was never the type, could it be cultural??


Yes We come from an eastern culture. You are right in his family many subjects are taboo to talk about . He has changed over the time but still many issues unsolved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> I also left my marriage, in a large part due to a lack of intimacy. I was 43 at the time. Best decision I've made in a long time.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Isnt it true that if u are a guy the chance of finding a match is much easier at ages between 35-45 than women at those ages? I am very curious to know what is the preference of guys at forties for dating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

nikoo said:


> Yes We come from an eastern culture. You are right in his family many subjects are taboo to talk about . He has changed over the time but still many issues unsolved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I always assumed that men from eastern cultures valued masculinity and virility. Half the tigers poached into near extinction went to make virility powders in eastern markets. 

It takes two people living in unity to make a marriage work. As a previous poster said, he is not really being nice and sweet when you mention T testing and counseling and he refuses. That is not being a loving husband. You have physical needs, and if he is planting his feet and refusing to give you the intimacy you need, that is the opposite of sweet. 

He could be embarrassed. He could be a closet homosexual. Whatever it is, if he is not making an effort them you should not be expected to either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

nikoo said:


> Yes We come from an eastern culture. You are right in his family many subjects are taboo to talk about . He has changed over the time but still many issues unsolved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



In that case I would pretty much call it a day. There are multiple reasons my wife (also from an eastern culture) is not into intimacy but if I had to pick one primary reason culture would be it.

You can't fix that in my experience.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I always assumed that men from eastern cultures valued masculinity and virility. Half the tigers poached into near extinction went to make virility powders in eastern markets.



Not that Far East


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

nikoo said:


> I am 38 yrs old and thinking if we get separated and none of us could find a match, doesnt it beat me up that why I have done such a stupid thing to get divorced because of sex? If I was younger the possibilities to find someone was quite higher and my fear was less._Posted via Mobile Device_


I think lack of sex is as good a reason as any for divorce. To me that's just about the cruelest thing a spouse can do next to adultery. It's not honoring your vows.

38 is young. You won't have any problem attracting men. Don't worry about that.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I always assumed that men from eastern cultures valued masculinity and virility. Half the tigers poached into near extinction went to make virility powders in eastern markets.
> 
> It takes two people living in unity to make a marriage work. As a previous poster said, he is not really being nice and sweet when you mention T testing and counseling and he refuses. That is not being a loving husband. You have physical needs, and if he is planting his feet and refusing to give you the intimacy you need, that is the opposite of sweet.
> 
> ...


This is a stereotype of a guy in my culture but as you know in every culture there are different characters. From what I have observed from his family they always were thinking Eastern guys are extreme and they had to raise their children more moderate. The result is extreme from other side! My husband ' character has lots of femininity in it.. Very kind, calm, and caring. I was taking these attributes positive for years but in reality any extremity creates problems
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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

intheory said:


> If he is under significant stress; that will affect his testosterone levels.
> 
> The Effects of Cortisol on Testosterone | eHow


Thanks for the link . was interesting . The thing is he is in that mood most of the times . Even when we are on vacation his mind is busy with his work things or other stuff and he says he cant concentrate on other things like sex! For years I was trying to be understanding but after all these years i feel i am just wasting my time!
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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

john117 said:


> In that case I would pretty much call it a day. There are multiple reasons my wife (also from an eastern culture) is not into intimacy but if I had to pick one primary reason culture would be it.
> 
> You can't fix that in my experience.


Culture plays a big role of course . Easter culture makes girls shy and the guys super masculine and dominant. But in our case, he has had very low sex drive and is not ready to talk about it or accept it .He is shy in many aspects which is totally contrast with what one expect from this culture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Have you actually said the words to him that this has become such an issue that you are thinking of leaving? That bluntly?

Some people need to hear it straight. If you say something exactly like that, 100% no misunderstanding, and he still doesn't work on this then sorry to say but this won't ever change.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

You mentioned a couple of times that your husband is feeling a lot of stress from work. Of course, that could be part of the problem..does he exercise at all to deal with the stress? I like Wolf1974's question to you, "have you told him how serious this issue is to you..so much so that you are thinking of possibly divorcing? If he is unwilling to do _anything_ about this, I would encourage you to go to counseling. While it's certainly not "fair" to you, you are married for better or worse, etc..there are others who are married and their spouses are unable to engage in marital sex due to injuries, illness, etc. While not ideal, they choose to stay in their marriages. Just some food for thought.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

nikoo said:


> Culture plays a big role of course . Easter culture makes girls shy and the guys super masculine and dominant. But in our case, he has had very low sex drive and is not ready to talk about it or accept it .He is shy in many aspects which is totally contrast with what one expect from this culture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Tell me about eastern girls being shy I married one 

Culture may make your husband shy or reluctant to acknowledge his own sexual needs and possible / likely condition (LD or low T) so he goes shy and gentle on you and hope you won't mind.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Have you actually said the words to him that this has become such an issue that you are thinking of leaving? That bluntly?
> 
> Some people need to hear it straight. If you say something exactly like that, 100% no misunderstanding, and he still doesn't work on this then sorry to say but this won't ever change.


I have started to tell him if it is gonaa to stay this way I will leave. He replies this is something we should work on it for long time and not going to happen overnight. By overnight he means 3-4 years! We have started to try different things together, reading erotic books, romantic holidays... But he gets better for that duration of time and again is the same . So frustrating.
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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Be flat out straight with him that 3-4 years is unacceptable with you.


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

COfan said:


> You mentioned a couple of times that your husband is feeling a lot of stress from work. Of course, that could be part of the problem..does he exercise at all to deal with the stress? I like Wolf1974's question to you, "have you told him how serious this issue is to you..so much so that you are thinking of possibly divorcing? If he is unwilling to do _anything_ about this, I would encourage you to go to counseling. While it's certainly not "fair" to you, you are married for better or worse, etc..there are others who are married and their spouses are unable to engage in marital sex due to injuries, illness, etc. While not ideal, they choose to stay in their marriages. Just some food for thought.[/QUOTE
> 
> I have told him directly but he thinks i am impatient and need to work on our problem more. He exercises from time to time but not regularly. Sometimes i think i sacrify that part of my life and stay with him because of his other good attributes but I get angry and frustrated and full of hate and resentment which I am sure will damage my own health in couple of years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

john117 said:


> Tell me about eastern girls being shy I married one
> 
> Culture may make your husband shy or reluctant to acknowledge his own sexual needs and possible / likely condition (LD or low T) so he goes shy and gentle on you and hope you won't mind.


It is exactly who he is! Most of my friends are jelous once a girl is around their H or BF. Everyone was telling me why I am cool about such a situation and they dont know that I am sure he cant do anything to those girls evenif the girls drag him to a bed. And he himself sees it as a good point about himself!
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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I do not think he is listening to you, or taking you seriously.  I would vote on a 6 month trial separation, the type where you are both allowed to date others. Maybe just telling him that will snap him out of it. Or maybe a few months into the separation he will say "OMG, what did it do" and beg you back.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'd say that the lack of sex was the primary reason that I divorced my ex-husband. I just turned 40 and haven't had any problem finding men to date--even at my advanced age! I've been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and even before he and I became exclusive, I probably had 1-2 dates a week. Of course, I'm pretty sure that "shy" is not a word anyone would use to describe me, ever. I am a pretty classic extrovert, so it's not too hard for me to meet people and make plans. The trick isn't in finding dates, it's in finding the _right_ date. But they are definitely out there!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> I do not think he is listening to you, or taking you seriously. I would vote on a 6 month trial separation, the type where you are both allowed to date others. Maybe just telling him that will snap him out of it. Or maybe a few months into the separation he will say "OMG, what did it do" and beg you back.



The culture in question is not conducive to separations.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

nikoo said:


> Isnt it true that if u are a guy the chance of finding a match is much easier at ages between 35-45 than women at those ages? I am very curious to know what is the preference of guys at forties for dating?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't know what to tell you, as I've never been a 35-45 year old woman. My GF is a year younger than me, so she managed to find a match. . I couldn't see dating someone too much younger than me.

C


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## nikoo (May 20, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> I'd say that the lack of sex was the primary reason that I divorced my ex-husband. I just turned 40 and haven't had any problem finding men to date--even at my advanced age! I've been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and even before he and I became exclusive, I probably had 1-2 dates a week. Of course, I'm pretty sure that "shy" is not a word anyone would use to describe me, ever. I am a pretty classic extrovert, so it's not too hard for me to meet people and make plans. The trick isn't in finding dates, it's in finding the _right_ date. But they are definitely out there!


I am not that shy to avoid socializing but as I have been in this relationship for long time I have become very conservative person who not sure how long it will take to get back to my normal! Thanks for advice anyhow and wish you the best in your new relationship
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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Three interesting things in your post:

1) he refuses counseling
2) no chemistry or love between us
3) tried to start over 2-3 times; it stayed well for couple of weeks but then came back to where it was

Sounds a lot like boredom or lack of attraction. (They present similarly.) The fact your husband recognizes the issue but refuses counseling is a strong [but not guaranteed] indicator he actually knows what's going on but isn't willing to say. Get him to open up and share what he knows.


Good luck
-seahorse




nikoo said:


> I have asked him several times to go to counselling or he does testosterone test but hr refuses we never had a hot sex in our marriage life he is very supportive and nice person and we share many common things but there is no chemistry or love between us. We have tried to start over 2-3 times it stayed well for couple of weeks but then came back to where it was .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It's pitiful that he would refuse to at least seek help. Horrible decision on his part. If he loses you over this he will regret it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not really. His parents or relatives will match him to the next unsuspecting available woman...


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