# Help advise to help husband through my mistake



## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. For the last 5 he has been a verbally abusive alcoholic. Most of the time the abuse came with the drinking, he went through a few moments of clarity during the time where he would abstain from drinking and try and be a better man, but then he would cycle back to it. I stood by him, stood up for him and constantly prayed for him to sober up. We hit rock bottom as a couple this year and I was done with being his verbal punching bag and not getting my needs met and also with his drinking and he was miserable at work and home and done as well. I coached a team out here and had a male assistant coach (10 years younger than me) and although there was never any physical attraction it was nice to talk to someone who I had something in common with. He was going through a lot at home and trying to make some big life decisions and was leaning on me a lot for advise and we formed a friendship. During this time my husband had a revelation and wanted to sober up and work on us again, he was trying really hard but I had heard it before and wasnt really believing it was going to be any different. I told him I wanted to work on it (because I did we have 2 small boys and I do love him) but I wasnt invested in it initially. About 3 weeks after my husbands revelation my assistant coach and I had sex, it happened one time and it was not planned, or in any way some sort of romantic anything it was actually bad and very unexpected for both of us, when it ended I felt aweful (as I should) and went home and cried, at this point my husband was not staying home all the time so I showered and pretty much cried all night. Because of the fragile state of my marriage I opted not to say anything until we were stronger, my husband suspected something and I denied. I finally came clean about 1 week ago and my husband has forgiven me and we are trying to work through it. The problem we are having now is he is constantly circling back to the issue, we have a good day and then something triggers him to question or look at or examine and it doesn't help us move forward, he knows this but doesnt know how to stop it and neither do I . I want to help him anyway I can and I am hoping someone can offer some advise for him and me.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, first thing, you need to own up to your own sh*t. You knew you were going to have sex with this guy so; not completely buying the whole "unexpected" thing. It wasn't this big revolation like, "OPPS!!! Well, what do you know! We're having sex! This is surprising." When things started to get hot and heavy, you could have stopped it. So, if I'm having a hard time with that explaination, then I'm sure your husband is too.

Yes, your husband was a horrible drunk and he had a revolation and woke up. Decided that he had enough of the booze controling his life. He wanted to be a better man even before he discovered your affair. Yeah, you probably heard it before, but you have to understand that alcoholism is an addiction, and there is always chances of relapse. But, if you seen improvements and he's been going to AA and keeping himself away from the bottle. I think he's being serious about his sobriety.

How long is it going to take him to get over this? He never will. This changes marriages, the marriage that you once had when you were first married is gone for good. He'll probably never REALLY fully trust you. I've heard of case where couple have been reconciled for years and doing great, then one day he or she triggers and they're in a funk for however long it takes them.

What can you do? Complete transparency. Answer any question he has and answer it honestly, even if it means hurting him and embarassing yourself. Even if it seems like he's asking the same questions over, and over and it feel like your beating a dead horse. Answer them anyways. Reassure him and tell him you love him all the time. And you two need to get to marriage counseling. 

Like, I said. The marriage you once had is gone for good. But, if you can forgive his drinking and he can make that change in his life, and he can forgive you cheating on him....maybe that marriage needs to be dead and you have a new foundation to build on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cross is right. Your husband will never forget what you did nor will he ever fully trust you again. Your marriage will never be the same again. You must completely end contact with the man you cheated with. Which means you may have to quit coaching. Zero contact and total transparency with your husband. He will have triggers for the rest of his life unfortunately. Accept that. And own that what you did wasn't a mistake. You made a conscious decision to cheat on your husband and have sex with another man. Your husband should get into AA. You should call to set up marriage counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Listen to the other posters and realize you didn't make mistakes , you made a few horrible hurtful choices. Are you still making horrible hurtful choices?

The first choice you made was to allow the contact with the OM to proceed to an e notionally intimate level.

The second choice you made was to lie to you husband about the EA

The third choice was to have sex with the OM

The fourth choice was to lie about it even when confronted by you husband.

At this point he is hurt, he is humiliated, he is feeling like no enough of a man for his wife, and he is feeling that you have emotionally and physically chosen the other man over him. On top of that your lies have destroyed his trust in what you say and do.

If you want to begin making up for you horrible choices you first need to completely and forever cut all contact of any kind with the OM. Even one slip will reopen the wound in your husbands soul and will further kill your marriage.

Next you and your husband need to get into therapy. Both for the alcohol and the cheating and lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I agree with Shaggy and Jellybeans; start making the right choices, cut off contact with the other person and anyone who might take their place in the future and be completely transparent. 

Don't be afraid of his being triggered and reminded that's natural and it will go away with love. It's better not to see it as an attack but as a need for soothing and reassurance that he's safe now because you've learned and really love him. 

The fact is, you can use this whole experience to strengthen your relationship like never before. 

Make sure to talk to your hubby about his feelings and do what you can to soothe and relax him when he's distressed about the affair.

Address his "emotional injury" with letting him know that you've learned and that you're going to protect him emotionally from now on, with strong relationship boundaries and yes proper "choices." 

It takes time, talk and touch (cuddles n' hugs) but if you mean what you say about boundaries and taking care of each other, the injury will heal stronger than before. 

A properly welded fracture is stronger than the metal it repairs! Same with emotional-repair. You have to really mean it though.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your husband has known about this for 1 week. It's WAY too soon to move past it. Folks on this board have said it can take 2-5 years to fully accept and move past a betrayal like this.

If I was your husband, this is what I would want. First, I would want you to accept responsibility for what you did. Yes your husband was a lousy husband and a drunk. But, that doesn't excuse your choice to betray him. If you are in the marriage, you should be committed to the marriage. Otherwise, divorce. You tried to play it both ways and you betrayed your husband. So that's on you. Either tell him this in a heartfelt conversation, or (better yet) write him a letter apologizing.

Second, send the kids to a babysitter and sit down and fess up to everything he wants to know. And don't accept him saying that he doesn't need to know anything. He obviously does. Be brutally honest and tell him exactly what you did (how did you kiss, what positions did you use, etc.). He may want to know what you were wearing, what the timeline was. How long did you do this before you moved on to that? Things like that. It will give your husband a terrible mental movie that he will play over and over in his mind. But, it's probably better than the movie he's currently imagining.

Third, you need to be completely transparent. Give your husband access to your phone/email/Facebook. If your husband wants to know where you are at every second of the day, call him and tell him. Yes, it will be embarrassing to have to check in every 20 minutes. But, that's the price you pay for your poor choice.

And the transparency goes both ways. Obviously, your husband should not have a problem with you smelling his breath when he walks in the door or checking his car for empties. He made poor choices that he has to pay for as well.

After weeks or months of complete honesty and transparency, your husband will begin to feel reassured and he will require less checking on you. By the same token, every week that your husband remains sober, the less you'll feel the need to check his breath or look for evidence of hidden drinking.

Good luck.


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

SavingUS said:


> About 3 weeks after my husbands revelation my assistant coach and I had sex, it happened one time and it was not planned, or in any way some sort of romantic anything it was actually bad and very unexpected for both of us, when it ended I felt aweful (as I should) and went home and cried, at this point my husband was not staying home all the time so I showered and pretty much cried all night. Because of the fragile state of my marriage I opted not to say anything. . . .


I'm sorry that this happened to you, especially when you were already having problems at home. It wasn't your fault. If you haven't already, you should talk to a law enforcement professional about this today. Your account, which I quoted above, sounds pretty much like a textbook example of a victim's encounter with a "gentleman" rapist. You most likely don't feel as if you were raped, and think you must have done something to bring this on yourself, but that attitude is pretty much par for the course as well with victims of these guys.

I know you said this "was not planned" and "was actually bad and very unexpected" for both of you, but really you can only speak for yourself here, and not for your assistant coach. Regardless of what he said before, during, or afterward, it sounds like he had picked you out and was grooming you for weeks, if not longer. Before jumping to any conclusions about yourself or your encounter, please talk this over with a professional.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OP -- if you were raped, that is a totally different ballgame.

If you weren't, you cheated. 

The way your thread reads, it sounds like you cheated. Clarify, please.


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

First off, I want to thank you all for your honesty and opionions, I have been an open book to him and have not spoken to the OM in over a month (since long before I told my spouse). I dont believe he was grooming me but have a tendancy to be very naive about these things. I did make the decision to go through with it but again it wasnt something I had been thinking about. We did not even kiss. I cant even put into words what happened one minute he was telling me a sad story and then next we were having sex, then it was over and I wanted to puke. I have been given mixed messages on one thing though, I was told by a counselor not to give details, other than that it happened the one time and the where ect. But I was told not to tell him the details because they will not help him just hurt him more allowing to much of a mental picture. My spouse agrees with it but still asks and I have been told to tell him that he doesnt want to know and he stops asking. Do you guys disagree with this advise. He has full access to my facebook, email and text, I tell him (even though he does not ask) where I am and what I am doing. Please tell me anything else you think I should do. I again appreciate all you have done and all of your advise.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The truth hurts, but the things you dream up in you own head can be 1000 times worse than the truth.

My thoughts are that if you deliberately withhold information, for whatever reason, then you are not being fully honest or transparent with your husband. Full honesty means just that, even if the truth is hurtful and unpleasant. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

14 years already, my wife has not forgotten. Forgiven me yes, but forgetting what happened, never. Just the other day during and argument she actually brought up the OW and said her name, which I haven't heard in 10+ years, so it's still on her mind to this day.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

SavingUS,

It is way to soon to expect your husband not to be "circling back", its just too soon.

A few responses above say:

That he will never fully trust you again. This might be true for him but it is not a "set in stone" outcome. I'm living proof of this. I went through an affair my wife had, that was not just one time, and we fully healed and I trust her completely.

The thing is, it takes a lot of time and work by both parties. 

Your husband being an alcoholic throws another wrench into the system, and honestly I wouldn't be an authority on what to do about that. Logically speaking... I would think that he would have to get this problem solved..first...before he could move onto healing.

Regardless...there is hope. Be patient. The very first thing you must do is make sure there is No Contact between you and the OM.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

SavingUS said:


> The problem we are having now is he is constantly circling back to the issue, we have a good day and then something triggers him to question or look at or examine and it doesn't help us move forward, he knows this but doesnt know how to stop it and neither do I


I respectfully disagree with you here. I do not believe suppressing how he is feeling and shoving things under the rug is the way to move forward as a couple. He needs to work through what happened & you being there for him emotionally when something triggers him will show him you care and do want to help him move beyond this. Please don't try to put a timeline on this...it will likely take many months for the images to slow down.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

SavingUS said:


> I was told by a counselor not to give details, other than that it happened the one time and the where ect. But I was told not to tell him the details because they will not help him just hurt him more allowing to much of a mental picture. My spouse agrees with it but still asks and I have been told to tell him that he doesnt want to know and he stops asking.


Shaggy is right. Some BS want to know what happened and some don't. If there's gaps in his mind about what happened, our mind tends to fill those gaps with "mind movies". And he may ask questions to affirm if those movies are correct.

If he has questions..LET HIM ASK THEM! Answer them honestly and openly. If you're serious about reconciling with your husband and if answering his questions is going to help him heal...well then I don't think you have much of a choice. Plus, if you refuse to answer any questions, it might seem to him that your keeping more secrets from him or protecting the OM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I my case I needed details, my imagination was running wild, with g~ngb~ngs, and other women, other "things". I already had the mind movies, and I had seen enought porno to know how they did it.
So if I'm having mind movies any way, at least I could have a realistic view of what my WW had become.
In addition it was alsoa learning experience on what turned my WW on.

It all boiled down to alot of kissing, oral and missionary with only one person, on occasion soem would watch them.

The point in my case is I got all the facts in what was going on and the unhealthy direction my W was heading and she has a bit of vourism in her. These details help me heal, and clear up what my imagination had created.


IMHO I suggest you do not force the details on your H but be prepared to tell him what he asks for and continue until he wants you to stop.

In my case I finaly reached a point were all the small details had drawn a big picture, and that was enough for me. The big picture for me was my WW out of control and unhealthy behavior.

See continues to thank me fo confronting this and saving her.

In your case I see a one time thing were being niave and vunable caused you to feel to want sex and the OM just climbed on top or you climbed on top. For me the OM would climb on top , but it was my wife that made the booty call to met.

IDK if this helps but from my point of view I really need to know what my wife had become with regards to what exactly she was doing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One thing that also help me heal was the phone calls I got from myWW. She would just call to let me know she just got to work, then at break she would call to check in and see how I was doing, then on her lunch break she would just call to say she loved me, then after work I owuld get a call saying she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see me.

The point here is the fact that she was thinking about me.

Her willingness to always talk about her affairs is comforting, no matter what I wanted she gave me the cold and ughly truth.

I mean we beat this thing to death, over and over, again and again, yes at times she got frusturated, but she understood she had to do the heavy lifting in helping me heal by suffering the consequences of talking about sutch an evil thing in her life.

Having gone through this crap I know its hard to deal with the wrong you did, but trust me when I tell to go and face this and bring it all out and throw it all on the table. It will help you get this monkey off both your backs.

Its been 18 months since I confronted her, the 1st 6-8 months its all we talked about, now I seldom bring it up, but my WW will on occasion have a trigger that she wants to talk about.

Embrace this crap, know it well and understand it. Do not hide from the bad that you did, talk about it openly with the knowledge of how you got there and how it will never happen again. In a sence "own it " knowing everything there is to know about your infidelity. Not b/c your proud of it, but b/c you are not affraid of it, knowing so well that the new boundries you set up for your self will work in proventing it from happening again.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> One thing that also help me heal was the phone calls I got from myWW. She would just call to let me know she just got to work, then at break she would call to check in and see how I was doing, then on her lunch break she would just call to say she loved me, then after work I owuld get a call saying she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see me.
> 
> The point here is the fact that she was thinking about me.



Guy really hits it out of the park here. This was exactly what my wife and I did. It accomplishes many things. I think this is one of the biggest and most important things one can do to help their spouse heal. yet..it's so simple it gets overlooked a lot.

It does so many things for the marriage:


1. establishes trust...she is where shes supposed to be doing what shes supposed to be doing.
2. it empathizes with your situation...she is showing she understands and wants to give you positive reinforcement.
3. she's thinking of you...already pointed out by Guy.
4. communication lines are open...even if its just to say hi....its so important just to have casual conversations again.


and the list goes on....

Its been years and my wife and I still do this.


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

Ok so he asked for all the details (not of the act but what led to it) I gave them to him and he got mad called me names and stormed out. None of it was very out there, it started with him crying to me and then I was consoling him, and one thing led to another. I keep having faith that these out bursts are normal and things will get back to normal again but I just get so scared and nervous. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him, we are christian (mind you learning and always in the works and make mistakes) so we dont believe in just divorcing or ending things and I love him. I made an aweful mistake which has shown me alot about myself including that I have an additiction to attention and relationships and when we would hit a really bad point in us I would look for attention unfortunately this time there was someone there. I realize this and I am getting help for it. I just want to see from your perspective for those who have been through this is this normal, for us to have some really good days and then something to trigger him and whamo.. please help any advise is good advise.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If there is the mutual desire to rebuild the marriage, you both have to own up to your shortcomings. Since you profess that the two of you a Christians, then may I suggest that you contact your pastor and ask for referral to Christian counselors who specialize in individual and marital counseling.

One thing that can help the two of you right now is to acknowledge that your recoveries are processes that cannot and should not be rushed. Try to take things one day at a time and acknowledge that the two of you will have days when the emotional roller coaster will bring the two of you to an emotional low before bringing you back up to an emotional high.

Best of luck to both of you.


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

Another questions: Obviously he is going to continue to doubt and question but how do I reassure him. We have a good day and then the next day again he is thinking that more happened or it happened more often. He constantly goes back to these questions, I answer them openly and honestly and then he starts the how could you, why didnt you stop, its discusting, I tell him I know and I am sorry. I have not talked to the OM in over 1 month and my husband wants to confront him, I am afraid of this making things worse just because then he will have him on the brain or it ending badly. I do not worry about the story changing because I have given the details he requested and told him the truth. What should I do, what do you guys recommend?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If it was unprotected sex and you have not reconciled with your husband, then you both better get checked for STD's.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

SavingUS said:


> Another questions: Obviously he is going to continue to doubt and question but how do I reassure him. We have a good day and then the next day again he is thinking that more happened or it happened more often. He constantly goes back to these questions, I answer them openly and honestly and then he starts the how could you, why didnt you stop, its discusting, I tell him I know and I am sorry. I have not talked to the OM in over 1 month and my husband wants to confront him, I am afraid of this making things worse just because then he will have him on the brain or it ending badly. I do not worry about the story changing because I have given the details he requested and told him the truth. What should I do, what do you guys recommend?


The questioning will go on for a while and the same questions will come up again and again, to see if thr story is consistant. Waywards are notioriously good at hiding and lying. He is looking for lies.

Did you write a NC letter for the OM that your H read and approved? If not then he is still very concernd the OM is still in contact with you, regardless of your assurances he is not.

Triggers willl continue for quite some time. This is a huge pill for him to swallow and to be honest, he may not be able to get over this. I am not ignoring his part of the blame in the failing marriage but your addiction and his are apples and oranges. Each scar differently and each takes time to beat and heal.

Q~


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I think it might be helpful to kind of draw parallels to his past addictions and the process for putting them in the past -- and the fact that you will always see a 'perceived threat' that he could revert back to it, and you will never really totally be over it and forget it -- and what you have done. They're actually pretty similar in what it takes to put both experiences behind you and forge forward together...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SavingUs--he will have triggers for the rest of his life, whether you are together or not. Sad, but true. You need to accept that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may want to consider purchasing and reading books on healing after an affair. Books such as *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald and *How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To* by Janis A. Spring, and reading them together with your husband or by yourself. Leave the books in plain sight so your husband can see them and hopefully become curious enough to pick them up. Another thing you can do is invite him to come here to TAM or any other marriage oriented sites such as Marriage Advocates, etc to receive emotional support from other betrayed spouses. Just like you, he is not alone and he can transcend this ordeal to become much more emotionally stronger man than he ever was.


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## SAVING US's Spouse (Oct 20, 2011)

SavingUS Spouse here...
We have been working through this but just as I suspected she was not being open and honest as she mentions above.
I just found out about 2 weeks ago that some details she gave were lies.
What to do. Now I have questions resurfacing, I keep circling back on how to work through this. I truly believe it was more than one time. I have evidence yet the only way to get an honest answer out of her is to yell and scream. Dont want to do this anyomore. I am truly trying to forgive her but how do I forgive someone who is still lying about this for 8+ months.
FYI- I asked if they used protection and she rambled on a story (thats how I know she is lying) and of course she told me they did but then after a huge argument 2-3 weeks ago she told me he didnt. Now Im questioning if she really did more than one time...
Honestly I know my wife and I know when she is lying and I truly believe she is....
What do I do?


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## SAVING US's Spouse (Oct 20, 2011)

As im sitting here thinking you know its not the actions now that matter. I mean 1 time or 10 times, the damage is done... I just want to know that my wife is being honest. There is no need to lie especially where we are at given this situation. Really only reason to lie would be to cover something up still. The saddest thing is we are now pregnant with our third child. She literally swore on a bible to me, on the new babys life, our fresh start as a couple that all she was telling me were true. She wasnt...telling the truth  Things were going so well too. She has been amazing, no contact with OM, she just has a bad habit of lying and confessing the truth. 

Anyways Im healing and my question is do I just leave this alone. Chalk it up and move on. Dont question anymore... I mean im lost and dont know what to do anymore...
Bringing it up only causes fights and I dont want to argue abou this anymore really. Help advice please
Thank You!!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> SavingUs--he will have triggers for the rest of his life, whether you are together or not. Sad, but true. You need to accept that.


This will happen for sure. Should you split, it will stay with him
regardless of how he feels about you. If he tries to get back in the dating game, he'll micro-f*c everything his potential SO interest says or does. It just goes with the territory.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

SUS-

This is why "trickle truth" is very damaging

The big issue is re-establishing trust during R and well, you can't do that when the story keeps changing can you?


and as much as I hate to say this, but perhaps you should get the baby dna tested for paternity


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> We have been working through this but just as I suspected she was not being open and honest as she mentions above.


I think it has much to do with her counselors advice and deciding that the details will hurt you more. Which is completely wrong. I wonder why people feel the need to lie on message boards. they are fooling no one but themselves. So was she lying about the extent of her affair and the number of times they did it?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

SAVING US's Spouse said:


> As im sitting here thinking you know its not the actions now that matter. I mean 1 time or 10 times, the damage is done... I just want to know that my wife is being honest. There is no need to lie especially where we are at given this situation. Really only reason to lie would be to cover something up still. *The saddest thing is we are now pregnant with our third child.* *She literally swore on a bible to me, on the new babys life, *our fresh start as a couple that all she was telling me were true. *She wasnt...telling the truth*  Things were going so well too. She has been amazing, no contact with OM, she just has a bad habit of lying and confessing the truth.
> 
> Anyways Im healing and my question is do I just leave this alone. Chalk it up and move on. Dont question anymore... I mean im lost and dont know what to do anymore...
> Bringing it up only causes fights and I dont want to argue abou this anymore really. Help advice please
> Thank You!!


Ask her for a polygraph test, if she is truthful she wont have a problem in it.

Do a paternity test on your child it can clear your doubt. Dont mind the swearing on the bible, WS do more than this.

Not asking questions and bottling up your emotions will not be good for your marriage. You have every right to clear your doubts and to know the full truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SAVING US's Spouse said:


> SavingUS Spouse here...
> We have been working through this but just as I suspected she was not being open and honest as she mentions above.
> I just found out about 2 weeks ago that some details she gave were lies.
> What to do. Now I have questions resurfacing, I keep circling back on how to work through this. I truly believe it was more than one time. I have evidence yet the only way to get an honest answer out of her is to yell and scream. Dont want to do this anyomore. I am truly trying to forgive her but how do I forgive someone who is still lying about this for 8+ months.
> ...


What lies have you uncovered besides using protection?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's still lying, she's not saving your marriage. She's saving herself. Selfishness and it's still about her only right now.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Saving Us' Spouse, that you are on TAM is a good thing, and I'm assuming that your wife is the person who told you about this forum, right? I think that maybe a lot of the lies are the result of bad advice from a poorly-trained counselor. Maybe your wife should get another one. I would avoid any counselor who advises continued lying and deceit.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She needs to get rid of the "it was a mistake" attitude----she knew what she was doing---every step of the way---and she never stopped herself, nor her lover from doing what they had in mind to do. Also her coaching will probably trigger you---so that needs to end completely, for it was the coaching that led to all of this (not the act of coaching, but her being in a situation, and your thinking about her being there, will cause you lots of grief and misery)

You are gonna face somewhere from 2 to 5 yrs., before this nuclear winter goes away

You may forgive, you will probably never forget----hopefully no matter what she has done---you will NOT start drinking again

According to you---she is doing everything right----so it is just up to the two of you to ride out the storm, which will come from inside of you

You do need to find out WHY---the deep down CORE WHY, she found it necessary to make love to her assistant---that must be fixed, before you can fully R.

Also there must be strict accountability, on her part, and boundaries----she must not percieve that you treated this whole situation lightly, or she will cheat again---knowing full well how you handled it this time.---If cheating is in her, and it seems to be---cheaters are always looking for an edge----be very wary of her ACTIONS.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not let this go, like I said months ago it needs to be open up and dealt with, what does she have to argue about....helping you heal? 
Its sad she didn't take the advise I gave her so long ago, you be here to today.

It sound to me that you let this go for the last few months and you and her are still having issues, so please working on it until there is a degree of forgiveness, and with that degree of forgiveness you know exactly what you are forgiving her for.

What exactly are you looking for? A polygraph may be *HER* best option to help her husband heal, instead of arguing with your healing process.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> SUS-
> 
> This is why "trickle truth" is very damaging
> 
> ...


I agree and this needs to be repeated. I would be very concerned that they are still in contact and would question the paternity until its proven.


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## SAVING US's Spouse (Oct 20, 2011)

jnj express said:


> She needs to get rid of the "it was a mistake" attitude----she knew what she was doing---every step of the way---and she never stopped herself, nor her lover from doing what they had in mind to do. Also her coaching will probably trigger you---so that needs to end completely, for it was the coaching that led to all of this (not the act of coaching, but her being in a situation, and your thinking about her being there, will cause you lots of grief and misery)
> 
> You are gonna face somewhere from 2 to 5 yrs., before this nuclear winter goes away
> 
> ...


That is exactly what I am trying to get from her. Here is some more info. Supposedly she gave him a ride to work, he forgot his clothes so they had to go to his house for clothes. His family was gone back to school shopping. He invites her in, she said it was hot in AZ. We have Air Conditioning in the car....
Anyways she goes in and she says he started telling her some story about his life and family and how lonely he is, then asks to have some sort of relationship with her. First a real one, they are 11 yrs apart, wouldnt happen, then he asks well it wouldnt hurt for just a physical relationship... Then she says "I know" and they have sex. She says it was GROSS and got up drove him to work. All this time I'm begging her, telling her Im trying to change... trying to pay attention to her, stay sober asking her to not see this kid, talk to him.... she swears nothing is going on... Shes looking up strip clubs, (for his friends and him...), then she had a cheer meeting Wednesday that i knew about before their affair. So she sleeps with him Monday. Tuesday I go to the house and our "ride em cowgirl" sex position book is missing off the shelf?? I asked her a week prior to please not give this kid a ride at all to or from the cheer meeting scheduled Wednesday. She agrees. On Wednesday the cheer meeting day I go home and notice the "ride em cowgirl" sex book is missing off the shelf... and become suspicious. Call her and she says "her phone is dying and she didnt bring her charger" she says "im going out to dinner with a few girls I met here"... Long story short she did not get home until 12:30 am, meeting got out around 6pm...
Then I find out that he asked her for a ride home, she says she went to dinner until around 10 talking to "Bethany" a christian woman who also had marital problems... and they hit it off and she was there till around 10 ish... She says she picked the OM up outside a pool hall in Tempe, not sure what time, meanwhile she had "no phone cause it was dead"... So im supposed to believe they were not together, had no contact and this kid just waited for her to pick him up.... with no communication??? 
Obviously they were together... I mean really who says pick me up when you are done in the middle of Tempe... I have no way to communicate with you but I will be waiting...??????
So anyways the next morning I confront her she says yes i drove him home but i was at dinner with "Bethany" and I had no phone and he just waited for me randomly until I showed up....
So the book reappeared (by 7am next day) in the same spot on the shelf...
I confront her and she says "I dont know where I found it, I put it back, I dont remember what I read or why I picked it up if I even did".....
It gets worse.... She makes a fake e-mail account "[email protected]" and sends herself an email saying how she needs to work on her marriage and they have been there... She made a fake email account to try to account for her where being Wednesday.... I confront her and she says... I was nervous, I really spoke to her but had no way to verify so I made a fake e-mail account and sent myself a fake e-mail to forward to you so you would believe me.....
BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At this point im now finding it humorous.....
So im gonna believe this, and gonna believe some guy you had sex with two days ago is just randomly waiting for you to show up... with no communication... asking for some weird sex relationship, with OUR sex position book missing... all this is coincindental... theres more but want to hear some comments...
As of today by the way she "Does not know ""Why"" she picked up the cowgirl book... where she found it... and what she read......??? 
Really Am I FKN Stupid.... She still till an hour ago cant confirm....

Look at this point like I said I dont care if they did it 100 times....
I want to heal by hearing her say (if its true)... "Yeah I knew what I was doing..., Yeah I read the book thinking of positsions... Yeah I couldnt stop it... Yeah It was "Premeditated... I mean im not stupid.... I know WTF was going on... 
All im asking her for is honesty so I can HEAL and move forward...
She says "Everyone tells me not to tell you what happened it will only HURT you and Make it worse....."
I just want an honest wife...
Help please GUYS...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lay it down. If she does not come clean with everything, you will be seeing a lawyer Monday. 

And mean it! If she won't come clean, follow through with divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are in false R. There are still a lot of details that are off. You are being lied big time about the extent of the affair. Hold off on R until you get full details. Until she can give answers that are satisfactory, the marriage will be on probation. Set a time limit and file for D after that.(And mean it. Don't try to bluff the D)


And she totally lied about the whole thing on her fist post. It was so sudden? They did not even kiss? She puked? Disgusting liar.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yes. That's why she hasn't posted in months. She eased right back into her old habits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, i am confused here. Did the kid ask for a relationship after the first time they had sex or did they have sex the first time after him asking for a relationship?

Looking for strip clubs for his friends? Was she even paying for them? I am getting a sense that she is hiding some big things(multiple guys/affairs)


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## SAVING US's Spouse (Oct 20, 2011)

Honestly I have more but Im afraid to post...

She keeps saying "YOU ARE ABUSIVE... GET OVER IT...
We both fkd up

I am an alcoholic... I know that....
I just have real questions about her errors...
Again I should forgive but its tough, now I have to worry about AIDS... as she said she used protection....
It is fkn bad....


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## SAVING US's Spouse (Oct 20, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Ok, i am confused here. Did the kid ask for a relationship after the first time they had sex or did* they have sex the first time after him asking for a relationship?
> *
> Looking for strip clubs for his friends? Was she even paying for them? I am getting a sense that she is hiding some big things(multiple guys/affairs)



No they had sex after he asked for the relationship... No multiple guys that was what she told me as to why she was looking up strip clubs... She did not do any other things... I know


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Post more. The more information we have, the better advice we can give you. 

There is no simple way of getting over it. She chose to cheat and you should get over it? Oh..please..

The only way to get over it will be divorcing her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SAVING US's Spouse said:


> No they had sex after he asked for the relationship... No multiple guys that was what she told me as to why she was looking up strip clubs... She did not do any other things... I know


The why is she lying? See if you can threaten OM into confessing more if you can...(They work at the same place right? they can be fired)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

One guess I have is that she was the pursuer, not the OM. She has painted herself as the victim from start to finish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Ask her to go to hell if she cant come clean completely. She is a liar to her core, why you want to spend the rest of your life with such a decitful horrible liar and cheat?There is a world out side your home with beautiful and truthful ladies. Throw her out, issue her with D papers and run to mountains as afar away as possible from her.

Dear members do you know why she posted here first, she wanted to feed her lies to us first and wanted to get some replays saying he is paranoid and asking him to get over it, then show him this and say "see what are the experienced men says, they also agree that my one time painful banging OM was not a big thing, then why cant you get over it?" She is sooo deceitful and a horrible person. But she fell in the dig she borrowed.

Did you asked her for a polygraph.


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## SAVING US's Spouse (Oct 20, 2011)

There is no need for paternity test... We were healing great once she confessed.... I really wanted to believe.. It could have been only the one time.. I dont know for sure except for tons of info telling me otherwise...
I was in a good place before the last lie... about the protection issue... now its all in question...
Like I said if she would be honest and says yeah I intended more... I would be fine... She has stopped all communication, we moved across country to restart our lives... then I found out the lie about protection... She says she didnt want to hurt me anymore...but I asked for sincerity and honesty before we made all these changes...
I know she regrets all she did... I know she loves me... I just need to forgive and move forward... I love her... Just wanted honesty


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## SAVING US's Spouse (Oct 20, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Ask her to go to hell if she cant come clean completely. She is a liar to her core, why you want to spend the rest of your life with such a decitful horrible liar and cheat?There is a world out side your home with beautiful and truthful ladies. Throw her out, issue her with D papers and run to mountains as afar away as possible from her.
> 
> Dear members do you know why she posted here first, she wanted to feed her lies to us first and wanted to get some replays saying he is paranoid and asking him to get over it, then show him this and say "see what are the experienced men says, they also agree that my one time painful banging OM was not a big thing, then why cant you get over it?" She is sooo deceitful and a horrible person. But she fell in the dig she borrowed.
> 
> *Did you asked her for a polygraph.*



Yes, and she said her answers would have dependedif I was in front of her in the test... She would have lied and took her chances if i was not present...
I know how this all looks but she is not a bad person. I really believe she knows she fkd up, she admitted everything but I think her pathological lies make her lie more and more...
She gets defensive which is her nature but I know when she is lying... Again I could believe it was only once but evidence supports otherwise and :trickle truth" is killing me moving forward...


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Did you ever considered your so sweat wife would fuc*K some one on your back? never!!!!! But now you know that she can do that. She can do a lot like this and you will learn in days to come.

R without whole truth and WS without being completely remorseful is waste of time. If you have any doubt about what she told you and what you found out or you believe that she is TT, then why cant you go for a polygraph and know the truth yourself?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Was your wife emplyed by some high school as a walk on coach, or did she work for a school district, at a high school, also was her loverboy, a student at ASU, there may be much more to this than she is letting on.

You need to do the poly---if for nothing else, so that you get all the info, and you get your sub-conscious under control

You need to find out the actual reality of what they really had with each other, she doesn't wanna tell you, cuz it may very well be much worse, that she wants to admit

Why would she need a book, showing sex positions, she is a grown woman, and he at worst was a college student, and knew how to perform sex.----Were they experimenting with different positions, which meant they had sex one night she was unhappy with his performance, or his lack of abilities, and she brought the book along the next time/couple of times, to improve their sex.

You may love your wife, and she may NOW be doing what is right, problem is you got a big red stain, right in the middle of your mge----and you can't get away from it

You may have been abusive, and hard to live with, but her solution to that dilemma, was D/Seperation---not spreading her legs, with some kid

There is much more here---you can either delve into it, or you can go your merry way, and turn a blind eye----either way---you will not trust her again, your peace of mind is gone, and you now have to act like a parole officer---do you really wanna live the rest of your days in misery---for that is what staying with her means---you get to live in misery---for just the sight of her, sets off all your triggers!!!!!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

SAVING US's Spouse said:


> Yes, and she said her answers would have dependedif I was in front of her in the test... *She would have lied and took her chances if i was not present.*..
> I know how this all looks but she is not a bad person. I really believe she knows she fkd up, she admitted everything but I think her pathological lies make her lie more and more...
> She gets defensive which is her nature but I know when she is lying... Again I could believe it was only once but evidence supports otherwise and :trickle truth" is killing me moving forward...


_scratches head_

What? You are doing R wrong. She needs to come completely clean . No more lies at all. The fact that you are in pain now should make it obvious. What you are doing is called rug sweeping and will not help the marriage. read about it. And you are not doing you or your marriage any favors by allowing her to continue the behavior out of guilt for your alcoholism. these are separate issues and they are to be handled separately.

maybe you can ask her to write down how the whole thing went down. Ask her to give you a timeline. Tell her that you will accept more cheating however hurtful it is but you cannot take anymore lies.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Demand the poly. And don't back down. She has played real fast with your life, your emotions, and the truth.

She expects you to stay with her while she is still lying? Heck no, how can you ever trust her agin if she is allowed to lie,lie and lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First of all, don't be so secure in your knowledge of your wife's truthfulness. She fooled you once when she was having her affair. She can do it again. You can be fooled. Anyone can be.

Second, if your wife isn't willing to tell you the entire truth, then you have to decide to accept it or to leave her. You're trying to stay with her, yet whine about it. That's not working. It won't make her tell the truth and it isn't helping you move forward. You've spent eight months trying to coax the truth out of her and it isn't working.

So, your wife has given you all she's prepared to give. Is it enough for you? That's a yes or no question.

Good luck.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> So, your wife has given you all she's prepared to give. Is it enough for you? That's a yes or no question.


If you are certain in your belief that she is still lying about the extent of her affair, then file for divorce and end the marriage once and for all. But if you are worried that she may have told you everything and do not want to leave her, then try to create a marital atmosphere where honesty won't be punished by angry outbursts that sabotage any desire on her part to be forthcoming. 

Make a decision and stick to it. Do you want to R or D? Choose.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay...this chick is being stupid.

SUS! Here's three rules you need to know about cheaters.

1. If a cheaters lips are moving. Then, chances are they're lying.

2. A cheater will only admit to what you can prove. That's why it's so important to have concrete evidence when confronting.

3. A cheater will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it REALLY is.

What she's doing to you right now is called trickle truth. You're finding out even more bits and pieces to the puzzle and it sets you back. Just one small piece of evidence cancels out all the healing and work you've been doing to reconcile and puts you back to square one and then you have to start ALL OVER. What she doesn't realize is everytime you find out something new, it just c*cks your arm back further and further until one day you find out EVEN MORE stuff and then you finally throw in the towel. ANd then the marriage is done and heading for divorce because she couldn't give you the HONEST answers.


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