# I'm a jerk please help!



## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

I'm in my second year of marriage and have been threatened with the D more than once. I know it's me that's setting her off....I have to say i have an issue with communicating things to here like the 300 times i've tried to quit smoking (this being one of our biggest issues) I end up bumming one at work so on and so forth i don't tell her so now "i'm lying by omission" as she puts it. 

Other things are like the other day i went out and bought a carpet cleaner without asking her I know we're a little strapped trying to buy a new house but i thought we needed it. Her big issue with that was me not calling and talking to her about it first since it was an expensive purchase. 

i would say our biggest problem is the smoking thing because it is a re-occurring issue and she feels worn and fed up with it all. 

Can anyone help me get this all back on track before i loose my wife.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Dude, if she married you knowing you're a smoker it shouldn't be a shock that you smoke,


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

She was a smoker then too but after getting pregnant she quit and of course like a good H i tried to quit to to support her.....and that's when it really started I've been an On again off again smoker for over a year now(usualy on again).....plus the biggest problem with it is that she gets so angry with me when i start back up i end up hiding it from her for weeks before she figures it out and then she feels hurt because i'm not telling here the truth by hiding it.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I lose my respect for men who smoke, I don't care who they are. 

They have bad teeth which don't look sexy or arousing. The smoke stinks and gives me a headache. 

I think your wife's respect to you will mean much more than a cigarette. You need strong incentive to quit smoking. Find it and DO it. 

And it is for your good health and your family's!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

lostmanboy said:


> She was a smoker then too but after getting pregnant she quit and of course like a good H i tried to quit to to support her.....and that's when it really started I've been an On again off again smoker for over a year now(usualy on again).....plus the biggest problem with it is that she gets so angry with me when i start back up i end up hiding it from her for weeks before she figures it out and then she feels hurt because i'm not telling here the truth by hiding it.


If she smoked, then she understands how difficult it is to quit smoking. 

But she did it because she realizes her baby is much more important to her. 

I think she is disappointed that you can't be the same. But men and women aren't the same anyway. Women have a strong sense of responsibility towards their children.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I think there is more to this than smoking and a carpet cleaner. Perhaps it is that she feels you do not value her opinion. Or that you view her as always nagging ( which is the impression I got from your post). Do u know the reason why she wants you to quit? Is she a worrier? Does she have anxiety issues?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are there particular things about smoking that trigger her, besides your not being truthful?

Do you smoke in the house?

Do you smell like smoke? This can be very hard for a non-smoker to handle.

Have you tried patches or gum? You state might have a program that provides these free.


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I think there is more to this than smoking and a carpet cleaner. Perhaps it is that she feels you do not value her opinion. Or that you view her as always nagging ( which is the impression I got from your post). Do u know the reason why she wants you to quit? Is she a worrier? Does she have anxiety issues?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is alot more to it she has a lot of trust issues stemming from prior relasionships....and the fact that that is the one reoccuring thing over the last 2 years it seams to be the biggest. Another thing is that verry soon my job is going to have me gone for most of the next 2 years and that just puts more stress on her about wether or not she can trust me when i'm gone.


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

ELEGrl just to fill you in i do not smoke at home at all....My oldest kids have not seen me smoke in 2 years since i started trying to quit i have tried the patch gum all the help stuff i can't take the pills due to the possible side effects and the nature of my job so its not worth it to lose my job


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

lostmanboy said:


> There is alot more to it she has a lot of trust issues stemming from prior relasionships....and the fact that that is the one reoccuring thing over the last 2 years it seams to be the biggest. Another thing is that verry soon my job is going to have me gone for most of the next 2 years and that just puts more stress on her about wether or not she can trust me when i'm gone.


You need to allow her to trust you. You need to tell her that you will be honest as long as she is not going to run you through the ringer for being honest. You also must quit smoking. Easier said than done. It will be a lot easier to quit smoking than to continue to deal with hurting your wife or having her leave you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

you will never be able to quit smoking until you want to for YOU. I guess I would say dont hide it. You are a grown man. If you want to smoke then smoke. To me she seems controlling. If and when you decide to quit, try Chantix
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

lostmanboy said:


> There is alot more to it she has a lot of trust issues stemming from prior relasionships....and the fact that that is the one reoccuring thing over the last 2 years it seams to be the biggest. Another thing is that verry soon my job is going to have me gone for most of the next 2 years and that just puts more stress on her about wether or not she can trust me when i'm gone.


The unfortunate thing about this is that you cannot make someone trust you. Does she have reason not to? What made her trust you enough to be your wife? Are there things you've done in the past that made her feel safe with you, that you no longer do now?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

"Women have a strong sense of responsibility towards their children." Explain this to my AxW.


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

I'm not sure how i convinced her to marry me.... i had expendable money and would do a lot of spontanious things and i think taking on the father figure role for my stepson helped.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Threatening someone with divorce is a great way to get someone to quit smoking.....pretty much the opposite.


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

The big thing for me is how do i convince her things will be different that she can trust me?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Either she does or she doesn't. Do you trust her enough not to fly off the handle if you don't do the things she likes? She is setting you up for failure. If you smoke she threatens you with divorce.....if you sneak a smoke and don't tell her she doesn't trust you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your problem seems to be that you haven't submitted to your wife. As long as you submit to her leadership, and do exactly as she says, you might just be able to forego any more threats of divorce. At least for a while.

If you're a more traditional man who sees yourself as the leader of your household, well it doesn't look good for you. You could either lie better, and make sure you don't get caught, or you could tell your wife that she must treat you as a man rather than a boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

Good luck.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> Your problem seems to be that you haven't submitted to your wife. As long as you submit to her leadership, and do exactly as she says, you might just be able to forego any more threats of divorce. At least for a while.
> 
> If you're a more traditional man who sees yourself as the leader of your household, well it doesn't look good for you. You could either lie better, and make sure you don't get caught, or you could tell your wife that she must treat you as a man rather than a boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar.
> 
> Good luck.


The only way to have his wife treat him like a man is to stop ACTING like a boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar. 

My guess is his wife is very fed up with the lying and/or she has lost respect for someone who can't live up to his commitment. So stop lying and start doing what you say you will do. You have to EARN respect.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

justonelife said:


> The only way to have his wife treat him like a man is to stop ACTING like a boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar.
> 
> My guess is his wife is very fed up with the lying and/or she has lost respect for someone who can't live up to his commitment. So stop lying and start doing what you say you will do. You have to EARN respect.


Which commitment is he not living up to? His commitment to submit to his wife? He might not even remember making that commitment.

If you mean his commitment to stop smoking, well that can be a hard one to keep. Smoking is addictive. Some people can easily quit smoking. Some people can't. It probably makes it harder to quit when your wife doesn't support you and only threatens you.

So, it's very easy to tell a guy to just man up and earn respect. Unfortunately, our culture and our divorce courts don't really care much about these men. If his wife wanted to divorce him because he still smokes, well that's a better reason than many women use to divorce their husbands. And there will also be no shortage of people to sympathize with her and tell her she had no choice. When your husband won't be bullied into submission, you certainly can't expect a modern woman to stay married to such a Neanderthal.

Of course, more traditional people might point out that his wife also has a commitment to love and support her husband. These people might also point out that threats to divorce for frivolous reasons aren't the actions of a loving and supportive wife. They might also say that a wife demanding submission from her husband will only end badly. Unfortunately, these people are an ever-dwindling segment of our population. Hooray for progress!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> Which commitment is he not living up to? His commitment to submit to his wife? He might not even remember making that commitment.
> 
> If you mean his commitment to stop smoking, well that can be a hard one to keep. Smoking is addictive. Some people can easily quit smoking. Some people can't. It probably makes it harder to quit when your wife doesn't support you and only threatens you.
> 
> ...


And a man has the responsibility to be trustworthy and a good leader for the family. If he's sneaking around behind her back, he is acting like a child. 

His profile name is lostmanboy for goodness sake. He knows that he is just a boy. His wife needs a man.

He is here looking for help for HIS problem and you are just blaming his wife.


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

justonelife said:


> And a man has the responsibility to be trustworthy and a good leader for the family. If he's sneaking around behind her back, he is acting like a child.
> 
> His profile name is lostmanboy for goodness sake. He knows that he is just a boy. His wife needs a man.
> 
> He is here looking for help for HIS problem and you are just blaming his wife.


I will say it is verry easy to agree with (now that i'm typing this i can't remember his name) because he does understand what it feels like from my point of view....it does feel like a constant nagging coupled with a lack of grattitude consindering that i am the sole "bread winner".....however justonelife you are right that i have started to see things from my wifes point of view that i need to "man up" because i have no choice at this juncture. I have been backed into a corner on this matter...I know my wife loves me i also know she no longer respects or trusts me due to her unresolved issues from the past and this ongoing strugle with the smoking.....my real question in all of this is not is she right or am i right it is what great thing can i do to show her i should be given yet annother chance that i am on the road to making thigs better between us?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I would say have a sit down with her. Tell her that you are unhappy with the way things are between the two of you. Tell her that you would like her to trust you and ask HER how you can build that trust. Tell her how much you love her and that you realize it's hard for her to see you leave, ask her what you can do to make your absence easier. By putting this on her you will get the answers you need plus you are giving her some control in a matter that she may feel she has none. 

She should respect your honesty and desire to make things easier for her.


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I would say have a sit down with her. Tell her that you are unhappy with the way things are between the two of you. Tell her that you would like her to trust you and ask HER how you can build that trust. Tell her how much you love her and that you realize it's hard for her to see you leave, ask her what you can do to make your absence easier. By putting this on her you will get the answers you need plus you are giving her some control in a matter that she may feel she has none.
> 
> She should respect your honesty and desire to make things easier for her.


I'm not sure if that will work since she has told me I need to come up with the answer


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Well that makes no sense. Only she knows what her needs are. Perhaps she is confused by her own emotions as well.

I think she could benefit from some counseling. Perhaps for you as well. Being told you are untrustworthy and threatened with D over and over have got to take its toll. Now, she is putting your marriage all in your hands without putting any effort in herself. That is an unbearable load that will not work. You need her to commit to making herself better along with you, otherwise you'll burn out and feel neglected and resentful if you are not already.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't think it has a lot to do with the smoking. Yes, it is bad for you and a lot of people literally hate it and the people who do it ... but she is a former smoker. The smoking itself is not the primary issue.

If she has trust issues then it probably has more to do with you not doing what you said you were going to do. That creates trust issues. You said you were going to quit smoking and you haven't followed through. Likely the smell and expense are constant reminders that you haven't followed through with your word. Integrity and trust is important. Follow through with your promises, whatever they may be, do it consistently and trust can be restored. 

I will add that this is difficult if you make promises that you do not intend to keep or are not invested in ... you feel pressured to make the promise and you placate without having any real desire to see it through. Communicate. 

Secondly, you proceeded to make a large purchase without consulting her on it. Finances are an issue so it is important to her. She may or may not have agreed with your decision to do it but the fact that you did not communicate with her is the real issue. Again, this speaks to trust. She wants to feel that you are on the same page with her but you are making decisions without communicating them with her. Now, she has lost a level of trust.

These things do not make you a jerk. These are very common problems in a relationship but it is entirely fixable.


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> Well that makes no sense. Only she knows what her needs are. Perhaps she is confused by her own emotions as well.
> 
> I think she could benefit from some counseling. Perhaps for you as well. Being told you are untrustworthy and threatened with D over and over have got to take its toll. Now, she is putting your marriage all in your hands without putting any effort in herself. That is an unbearable load that will not work. You need her to commit to making herself better along with you, otherwise you'll burn out and feel neglected and resentful if you are not already.


it has been a long road so far and we did do some counseling and things got better for a little bit ......i will say 10min ago she gave me an out that dosn't realy resolve any issues but atleast puts us on teparrary good standing so its not just a heavy burden looming over my head however i do thank everyone who has tried to help me with this issue.....and i still welcome any suggestions to help me streangthen the bond in my mariage and resolve some of the trust issues


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## lostmanboy (Aug 7, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't think it has a lot to do with the smoking. Yes, it is bad for you and a lot of people literally hate it and the people who do it ... but she is a former smoker. The smoking itself is not the primary issue.
> 
> If she has trust issues then it probably has more to do with you not doing what you said you were going to do. That creates trust issues. You said you were going to quit smoking and you haven't followed through. Likely the smell and expense are constant reminders that you haven't followed through with your word. Integrity and trust is important. Follow through with your promises, whatever they may be, do it consistently and trust can be restored.
> 
> ...


i think you hit the nail on the head


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

lostmanboy said:


> it has been a long road so far and we did do some counseling and things got better for a little bit ......i will say 10min ago she gave me an out that dosn't realy resolve any issues but atleast puts us on teparrary good standing so its not just a heavy burden looming over my head however i do thank everyone who has tried to help me with this issue.....and i still welcome any suggestions to help me streangthen the bond in my mariage and resolve some of the trust issues


I think when there are trust issues, the best thing you can do is tell her what you are going to do and then DO it. Words mean nothing when she has been let down so many times. You have shown her that your words cannot be trusted, promises will be broken. The only thing you can do now is start showing her by your ACTIONS that you can be trusted to keep your word.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

justonelife said:


> And a man has the responsibility to be trustworthy and a good leader for the family. If he's sneaking around behind her back, he is acting like a child.


Perhaps. Perhaps he's just a man that doesn't enjoy a woman screeching at him over his disobedience to her. Actually, I would tend to put most men in that category. So he may just be a normal man who is having trouble quitting smoking.



> He is here looking for help for HIS problem and you are just blaming his wife.


We see two different problems. You think that his problem is that he refuses to submit to his wife. I think that his problem is that his wife expects him to submit to her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lostmanboy said:


> ..and i still welcome any suggestions to help me streangthen the bond in my mariage and resolve some of the trust issues


I recommend running the MAP. Become a better, more attractive man. That's a personal journey that doesn't involve your wife. And it doesn't involve your submitting to her.

Her trust issues, over past relationships, are hers to resolve. There's nothing you can do to ease the pain of her past boyfriends cheating on her (I assume). What you can do is pledge to her that you won't cheat on her, and then refuse to pay the penance for the crimes of her past lovers.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> We see two different problems. You think that his problem is that he refuses to submit to his wife. I think that his problem is that his wife expects him to submit to her.


No, I do not think his problem is that he refuses to submit to his wife. I think is problem is that he refuses to be honest with his wife.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

justonelife said:


> No, I do not think his problem is that he refuses to submit to his wife. I think is problem is that he refuses to be honest with his wife.


I agree with this. He made a promise to her that he did not keep. He can't control how she reacts to that but he can control the promises he makes and then following through on keeping those promises.

Not only did he break a promise to his wife but he broke a promise to himself. He was going to do it for his children.

Now, everybody is fallible. It is a difficult promise to keep. There can be, and in this case probably will be, setbacks. All you can do when making this type of promise is to ask that in return she make a promise to be supportive. Additionally, if he fails in the promise then it would be helpful to apologize to her. It is not her fault that he broke his promise. Reiterate to her that it is important to him that he keeps the promises he makes to her and that despite the setback he is determined to follow through with the promise. Instead what people typically do is blame or resent the person you made the promise to for not being automatically understanding or supportive. It isn't their fault for your mistake.

This does not need to be unnecessarily adversarial. This is not about submitting to her. This isn't about being a 'nice guy' or a power struggle. A nice guy makes promises he can't keep. By definition, he is untrustworthy. This is about being a guy of integrity and keeping the trust she has in him.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

justonelife said:


> No, I do not think his problem is that he refuses to submit to his wife. I think is problem is that he refuses to be honest with his wife.


So, if he simply told his wife that he no longer plans to quit, you would expect her to react reasonably and end her threats to frivolously divorce him? Seriously?

His wife has threatened to divorce him and take his child away if he doesn't quit smoking. She has not been supportive of him by offering encouragement when he backslides in his addiction. Instead, she yells at him for not obeying her. She also is punishing him for the sins of past boyfriends. Given her unreasonable actions, I certainly wouldn't expect her to suddenly behave reasonably.

The OP's sin is not that he hasn't quit smoking, or that he has hidden that fact from his wife. His sin is that he has bought into her frame that she is the one that dictates his behavior to him. He should stop jumping through her hoops. He should act like a man and stop trying so darned hard to please her. They are two years into marriage and she is already threatening him with frivolous divorce. That doesn't bode well.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> This does not need to be unnecessarily adversarial. This is not about submitting to her. This isn't about being a 'nice guy' or a power struggle. A nice guy makes promises he can't keep. This is about being a guy of integrity and keeping the trust she has in him.


I agree that it needn't be adversarial. But his wife is making it so. She isn't supportive. She chastises him like a child. She screeches at him for his failure. That's about submission.

And some on this thread believe he should just head home for more screaming whenever he backslides. That's just irrational. If I find myself speeding, the last thing I consider doing is calling the police and turning myself in so I can be punished accordingly.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I agree that it needn't be adversarial. But his wife is making it so. She isn't supportive. She chastises him like a child. She screeches at him for his failure. That's about submission.
> 
> And some on this thread believe he should just head home for more screaming whenever he backslides. That's just irrational. If I find myself speeding, the last thing I consider doing is calling the police and turning myself in so I can be punished accordingly.


That is a different problem. She had trust issues going into this relationship. How she reacted may be entirely inappropriate but that in no way changes the fact that he did not keep his word. My feeling is that she does need to seek counseling for this but that doesn't leave OP off the hook. If he had kept his word then it wouldn't matter how she responds. He broke his promise, she already has trust issues and blew her top. Inappropriate response, yes, but he can't control that ... he can only control what he does. 

I am not saying that the OP is a bad guy or a jerk. I am not saying that he doesn't have good intentions to keep the promises he makes. However, my guess is that if he is normal then it is not the first time he has broken promises to her. 

That's like blaming the BS for the decision of the WS to cheat. 
Maybe there are significant problems in the marriage but that does not exonerate the WS.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So, if he simply told his wife that he no longer plans to quit, you would expect her to react reasonably and end her threats to frivolously divorce him? Seriously?
> 
> *No, as a matter of fact that escalates it. That is saying ... so what if I made the promise and broke it ... I don't like how you reacted to it so I've decided I'm not going to keep the promise after all ... so there *
> 
> ...


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

greenpearl said:


> If she smoked, then she understands how difficult it is to quit smoking.
> 
> But she did it because she realizes her baby is much more important to her.
> 
> I think she is disappointed that you can't be the same. But men and women aren't the same anyway. Women have a strong sense of responsibility towards their children.


With all due respect, how do you come up with the statement "women" have more responsibility toward their children

I do smoke a bit and my teeth are perfect and white, nor do I smell like an ashtray. It's easy to say quit but doing it is very hard. I think everyone should stop n a perfect world.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Tomara said:


> With all due respect, how do you come up with the statement "women" have more responsibility toward their children
> 
> I do smoke a bit and my teeth are perfect and white, nor do I smell like an ashtray. It's easy to say quit but doing it is very hard. I think everyone should stop n a perfect world.


If I were to change greenpearl's statement, it would be to say that women have different responsibilities to their children.

One role a man cannot take is carrying the baby in a womb. During that first 9 months, what a woman does has far more impact on the development of the child. What she eats, how she takes care of herself ... drinks, smokes, vitamins, etc. The man's responsibility is to care for the wife in this case. Men have equal responsibility for a child but oftentimes the responsibilities are different ... as I'm sitting here sweating out saving for college


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> However, my guess is that if he is normal then it is not the first time he has broken promises to her.


You're probably right. We all break promises. I promise my wife to be home by 5:30 all the time. Then, I get caught with an unexpected call, or heavy traffic. If my wife responded to my broken promise by screaming at me and threatening to divorce me and take away my children, I hope nobody would excuse her insane actions by pointing out my "broken promise".



> That's like blaming the BS for the decision of the WS to cheat.
> Maybe there are significant problems in the marriage but that does not exonerate the WS.


I think you have the analogy backwards. It's reasonable for a person to have trouble quitting smoking. Millions of people do. It's unreasonable for a spouse of someone who is struggling to threaten divorce and scream at that person because of it.

Likewise, it's reasonable for a wife to burn dinner, or to forget to have her husband's martini ready promptly at 6pm. It's unreasonable for the husband to use that "broken promise" as an excuse to cheat on her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> No, as a matter of fact that escalates it. That is saying ... so what if I made the promise and broke it ... I don't like how you reacted to it so I've decided I'm not going to keep the promise after all ... so there


So his only choice is to do exactly what his wife is screaming at him to do? He must submit to her and obey her demands? I disagree. If I promise my children ice cream after dinner, and then they start screaming at me that I must give them ice cream, do you think I will reward their insolence? Of course not.



> No, she yells at him for not keeping his word.


No. She can be upset at him for not quitting. She can be disappointed for not quitting. Yelling is the act of a superior to a subordinate. Have you ever screamed at your boss? When you were a child, did you scream at your parents? Did you scream at your teachers? Of course not.



> What, she dictates that he keep his word? Her response may have been inappropriate but it is not unreasonable for her to expect that he keeps the promises he makes to her. Trying to please her would be making promises he does not want to make just to keep her happy but it is on him if he makes those types of promises. Once the promise is made, he needs to keep it and in this case, it sounds like a promise he wanted to make and not one he was bullied into.


I agree with you that the safest course of action is to only promise to do things that you are 100% certain that you can accomplish. If there is a chance of failure, such as there always is when quitting smoking, then you should never promise an irrational screechtard that you will do it. Of course, we could also say that it's irrational to expect someone to be able to quit smoking with 100% efficacy and no backsliding. That it's irrational to respond to backsliding into an addiction by someone you claim to love by screaming at them and refusing to support them.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> If she has trust issues then it probably has more to do with you not doing what you said you were going to do. That creates trust issues.


This.

Unfortunately, some people (like my H) think that trust only comes into play when we're talking fidelity, and because we've had problems that had nothing to do with adultery, he doesn't understand why I don't trust him now. When people _do_ what they say they're going to do, instead of yapping off at the mouth with no intention of following through, _then_ trust can be restored, whether it takes a short or long while.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> So his only choice is to do exactly what his wife is screaming at him to do? He must submit to her and obey her demands?


PHTlump, why are you so fixated on submission? I know, I know, it was really hard for some men when those foolish women decided they needed to be equals. And to you, a woman who looks for a man to be a partner, to meet her half-way, is really asking her to submit to him. Intolerable. 

You need to stop projecting your own issues onto the OP. You're not helping him. You need to figure out why you're so hostile to women. Are you in IC??


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

northernlights said:


> PHTlump, why are you so fixated on submission? I know, I know, it was really hard for some men when those foolish women decided they needed to be equals. And to you, a woman who looks for a man to be a partner, to meet her half-way, is really asking her to submit to him. Intolerable.
> 
> You need to stop projecting your own issues onto the OP. You're not helping him. You need to figure out why you're so hostile to women. Are you in IC??


I admit that I am a traditional man who appreciates the traditional, Biblical model of marriage. As a more progressive, modern person, is it your understanding that one spouse screaming and threatening frivolous divorce toward the other is the loving actions of an equal? If you had business partners, would you scream at them and frivolously threaten them? What if they promised to make $1 billion a year, but that turned out to be harder than they anticipated? Would that give you the right, as an equal, to chastise them like children and scream at them?

Do you think that all men who don't like being screamed at and threatened by women have psychological issues and belong in counseling?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I admit that I am a traditional man who appreciates the traditional, Biblical model of marriage. As a more progressive, modern person, is it your understanding that one spouse screaming and threatening frivolous divorce toward the other is the loving actions of an equal? If you had business partners, would you scream at them and frivolously threaten them? What if they promised to make $1 billion a year, but that turned out to be harder than they anticipated? Would that give you the right, as an equal, to chastise them like children and scream at them?
> 
> Do you think that all men who don't like being screamed at and threatened by women have psychological issues and belong in counseling?


Absolutely.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Ha! I just couldn't help myself there.

Of course I believe no one should be screamed at. Come now. I'm specifically picking up on your repeated use of the word "submission" in this thread, and even more specifically that you see the OP's wife as desiring her husband's submission. I think that's a mindset problem with you, and is complicating this thread.

And the biblical model of marriage. Just, ugh.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

northernlights said:


> Absolutely.


Thanks for being honest. :thumbup:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

greenpearl said:


> If she smoked, then she understands how difficult it is to quit smoking.
> 
> But she did it because she realizes her baby is much more important to her.
> 
> I think she is disappointed that you can't be the same. *But men and women aren't the same anyway. Women have a strong sense of responsibility towards their children.*


ERRRRRRR!!!! (squealing brakes sound)

Excuse me?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

northernlights said:


> Of course I believe no one should be screamed at. Come now.


Many on this thread seem to disagree with you.

Honestly, if the OP had said that he promised his wife to try to quit smoking, but he's been having trouble, and his wife is upset with him and trying to be supportive, then I would have completely different advice. I would suggest he try the gum, the patch, talk to his doctor.



> I'm specifically picking up on your repeated use of the word "submission" in this thread, and even more specifically that you see the OP's wife as desiring her husband's submission. I think that's a mindset problem with you, and is complicating this thread.


His wife isn't reacting like a normal, loving wife would in my example above. His wife is berating him, screaming at him, and threatening to divorce him. And those aren't the actions of a spouse who is worried about another. Those are the actions of one person trying to dominate another. That is the problem. It's about submission.



> And the biblical model of marriage. Just, ugh.


Well, I'm a Christian, so I try to abide by Biblical teachings. But, one doesn't have to believe in Biblical marriage to believe that a wife shouldn't dominate her husband.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Well, I'm a Christian, so I try to abide by Biblical teachings. But, one doesn't have to believe in Biblical marriage to believe that a wife shouldn't dominate her husband.


A wife shouldn't dominate her husband as in no one spouse should dominate the other? Or a woman should not dominate a man, but a man can dominate a woman?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> His wife isn't reacting like a normal, loving wife would in my example above. His wife is berating him, screaming at him, and threatening to divorce him. And those aren't the actions of a spouse who is worried about another. Those are the actions of one person trying to dominate another. That is the problem. It's about submission.


He never said she screamed at him or berated him. He said his smoking was causing her to not trust him. That's it. You came up with the screaming and berating and domination. Don't you see that?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Let's get this back on track for the OP.

Is it right for his wife to carry trust issues from previous relationships and threaten divorce....No. Threatening divorce is a MAJOR issue for me. If my wife ever threatened divorce...I'd take her up on it because to me, marriage is supporting the other through good and bad. Unless one spouse is INTENTIONALLY hurting the other, divorce is a taboo topic. So his wife needs to act differently on this issue.

But the Husband does too. He knows his wife has trust issues and what does he do...breaks that trust. I smoked 2 packs a day for 10 years and quit cold turkey. My exwife got pregnant and I wasn't going to have even 3rd hand smoke around her. OP NEEDS to say what he's going to do and then do it. And if he CAN'T. Don't promise it. He also has to not be afraid of his wife's reactions. Own your issues. If you messed up. say it. You also have to communicate with your wife more, like the rug cleaner. It's not about reporting to your spouse, it's about both having an input on purchases that affect both parties.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

northernlights said:


> A wife shouldn't dominate her husband as in no one spouse should dominate the other? Or a woman should not dominate a man, but a man can dominate a woman?


"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My thoughts for the OP are that this is more about his wife's trust issues than anything else. She's said to him that she wants him to prove that she can trust him before he goes somewhere for 2 years, and that she's taking his inability to quit smoking/be totally honest about his smoking, as evidence that she can't trust him. Honestly, I think his wife probably needs counseling to get over her trust issues, because unless there's more that the OP isn't telling us, the trust issue is her own. 

Sorry OP, that's all I have for you!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

northernlights said:


> He never said she screamed at him or berated him. He said his smoking was causing her to not trust him. That's it. You came up with the screaming and berating and domination. Don't you see that?


Mea culpa. I did confuse this thread with another. No, he never said his wife was screaming at him. He stated that she was angry, constantly nagging him, and threatening divorce. Those still aren't the actions of a loving, supportive wife. But, screaming would make it worse.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Need more information. Lots more honestly.

The frame of reference you are providing isn't nearly sufficient to give you useful information other being able to tell you as others have pointed out, smoking has little to do with it.

I would further presume that whatever the circumstances are around your username are substantial factors.

You want an easy place to start? 

Start doing what you say you are going to do.

If you know Goddamn well you aren't going to do it, then don't be foolish and say you will. In her mind you are a liar. And odds are her basis for believing that goes beyond the smoking.


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