# In laws, I'm doing it wrong



## Anonymous Fella (Aug 3, 2009)

I'll try to keep this quick.

Been married for about two years, lived together before marriage for about three years. My wife's family has always been tightly knit, whereas my family is confrontational (whole other story). I try to be courteous and respectful to my in laws. I had a "falling out" with my wife's uncle. I had to work a shift after his, and he would leave me "surprises". Used to spin yarns about me to her grandparents and family. I never said anything to him or the family. Most of her family will simply ignore me, or interrupt my sentences by talking louder than me. Except when they need something from me. What has changed is now we live in a house less then a mile away from her parents. I always (and I mean _always_) help her parents and family out when they ask. Never in five years said "No". Have asked for their help before, always get the "later" response. They say "odd" things that have a hint of other meanings, but shy away when asked directly. I come home from work, her family is always here.

My own family life is dysfunctional to say the least. I have no basis to measure my wife's family by. I understand they just want the best for her. Her whole family being evil is impossible. What am I doing wrong? Any chapters I skipped in the successful marriage manual?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

:scratchhead: Am rather at a confused loss here...you haven't much detail.

You lived together for three years, never noticed this, and married her anyway?

Am :scratchhead:

Why would you chose to live less than a mile from these people? Was the house free...? (Just joking with you...)

Have you discussed this with your dear wife? If so, what does she say? (I have a clue in my mind, but let me hear what she said...)


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## Anonymous Fella (Aug 3, 2009)

I noticed it before, but, I figured healthy families interact this way. Who am I to question?

I've asked her, but, she usually gets hurt and upset. I _refuse_ to make her pick between her husband and her family. I don't want to bother her about it anymore. She has enough stress in her life. She says she feels trapped in between me and her family when I broach the subject. I've tried to talk to her family one on one alone, but, they act shy (looking off, not really saying much.) I can't seem to get any solid answers. Should I continue to help out, when getting nothing in return?

Don't want to give too much info, but, she wanted to be near her family from the get-go. So they willed her some land and we built a house here. That's how we are stuck so close.


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## Anonymous Fella (Aug 3, 2009)

*Warning*: Wall of Text

To clarify: I didn't have a good childhood/upbringing. She loves her parents and family. I don't have any of the support she always receives, and I don't want her to be without that support. People always say she has to cut her cord and she is now my wife, and I am everything to her. I don't believe in that way of thinking. She should still get that love and care from her parents AND her husband.

To be honest, my wife has a very fragile emotional state. She is playful and childish. Although she can be selfish, who isn't? I would rather her have a sunny disposition and remain young at heart. Compare her to the bitter feelings I house, it would be a fate worse than death to rob her of overall happiness.

It's not that I'm allowing her to live in her childhood, because I was denied one (I'll let our kids (_when we have them_) have the childhood.).

I just want some advice as how to approach the in laws with my thoughts. One on one wont do as will a family discussion. It just seems no one in her family can do wrong and I am the monument to mistake.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Anonymous Fella said:


> I just want some advice as how to approach the in laws with my thoughts. One on one wont do as will a family discussion. It just seems no one in her family can do wrong and I am the monument to mistake.


you can confidently say this is not a healthy way to live no matter your uncertainties due to your own past. there are some books out there about healthy boundaries with in-laws (just goggle it) and perhaps you and your wife can learn together. approach your wife with how you are feeling, and let her know you want to learn to have her family in your lives in a healthy way.


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## Anonymous Fella (Aug 3, 2009)

Thanks for the tip. As I have mentioned, I can't really approach my wife about it. Been asking my sister who is also married about her in laws, trying to see how her boundaries lie. Think I'm starting to cobble together some kind of ground rules. Only problem will be breaking it to my wife. Thanks for your advice.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Anonymous Fella said:


> Thanks for the tip. As I have mentioned, I can't really approach my wife about it. Been asking my sister who is also married about her in laws, trying to see how her boundaries lie. Think I'm starting to cobble together some kind of ground rules. Only problem will be breaking it to my wife. Thanks for your advice.


your relationship with your wife sounds very unhealthy. i know you are worried about her emotional state, but, well, i dunno, its just not healthy to have to tip-toe around her like that. you may want to read into codependency. i know this might sound extreme to you, and maybe it is, but its just how the post came off.


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## Anonymous Fella (Aug 3, 2009)

I'm not really tip-toeing around my wife so much as I'm taking a conscience effort not to stir-up known hornet's nests. I wish I could be codependent, seems like it would make a marriage with me easy. The fact is, I had been on other marriage-help forums a few years ago. All I did was complain about how my wife treated me, only looked at her negative qualities. Got the same gossip/soap opera crap, "leave her" and "pack your bags" kind of crap. Lots of fights and me actually leaving for a week. She promised to change, promised to do anything to keep me, so I came back. A few months ago, I realized I had changed. I wasn't loving her unconditionally. I want ahead and tried a little of the "Love Dare". My marriage improved quite a bit by just following the first few rules. So a few nights ago, I ran out and bought the book, to make it official. Going to give it to her on our anniversary this September, after I have completed it, writing all my responses. So basically, I refuse to dog my wife on this forum. Short of her hitting me with bricks and lighting me on fire, you'll only hear positive things about her. I'm here to improve only what I give to the marriage, which is what she receives. I figure if I want to improve the marriage, what better place to start than me?


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## Anonymous Fella (Aug 3, 2009)

Thanks Lost. Great to hear some encouragement once and a while. And bye the way, thanks for bringing up the movie, hadn't thought about it for some time. Gave me a good chuckle!


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## Musicmuse (Aug 12, 2009)

Anonymous Fella...

There is a day devoted to inlaws in the "love dare" book...


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