# My husband wants to rekindle with his first love



## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I have been married for 20+ years, 4 children (6,12,17,18) and have a good life other than my not so great marraige. 

Short background: H and I never got along great..I know he hasnt always felt totally connected to me in a soul mate kind of way (which is what he wants)...he is somewhat verbally abusive and doesnt treat me the way i want to be treated....although he is a good provider, good father, we have no financial trouble, we have no in-law trouble, no addictions, no sexual trouble, we are attracted physically to each other. and I do love him ....He loves me but not "in love"... for whatever reason, he is not happy with me.

Anyway, I found out about 2 years ago that he was in contact with his first long-term girlfriend that he dated when he was 18-20 (he is 48 now)... I met him when I was 18 and he was 20... he was still pining over her way back then, but it was over between them....(they had a bad break up...he wanted her back...she didnt) ....she met someone and married him.....At the time i found out about the facebook contact(2 years ago) I told him I didnt like it and I would like him to stop. He said he had wanted some closure, he didnt want her, he wanted me and realizes that now and just wanted to discuss a few things with her and let her know he wasnt a jerk.

I said, finish your closure and then stop. I didnt say a word for 6 months. Our relationship actually was very good during this time and he told me that now he knows I was the right choice.
BTW, supposedly she was a happily married woman. After 6 months, I brought it up to my H again and asked him if he still talked to her on facebook and he said yes...I had found out (unbenounced to him) that they were going to meet for lunch . 

I forced him to stop contact and I wrote her, very nicely, and asked her to stop contacting my H. She agreed and said she was very much in love with her H and that my husband said he loved me very much...she said she would respect my decision. This all happened last summer. I dropped the whole issue and never mentioned it again.

Although, I should mention that my H was devestated by my writing her the letter and that he would never forgive me... he sulked in bed for 2 days. I couldnt believe that he would act this way, but anyway...it was done.

I did notice that our relationship was worse after this. 

We really had a tough year, went to MC for a year, and he is still unhappy and wants to trial separate to see what it would be like without me.

OK so here goes....I finally got him to admit that he has again been in contact with her, she had separated from her husband last year, and they met for lunch in December and have been in contact via email. I cant believe that they havent seen each other otherwise, but who knows. He claims that she wont get into a relationship with him until we split up. But they both want to see if it would work out.

My H is so torn about this and is afraid he would make a mistake and lose me forever in case the OW doesnt work out. At this point, how could I deal with this....I think I have to get a separation (legal) because I think I'd be a fool to "let" him try out an affair and then let him make a choice. I thought all along, we would trial separate and we would both be alone to think about things to make a decision. Now I know someone is in the wings and how could i compete with his first-time love that he never got over.

I could say stop all contact with her or i will file... not sure what he would choose....but even if he chose to stay in the marraige, I would think he would resent me and always think about her and what could have been. He kind of wants to try it out to see if they belong together, but I told him even if i agreed to that, it wouldnt be a real test because it would probably be so exciting at first and not really get a good idea of what it would be long term with them.

I know this is an unknown, but it makes me sick to think it could work out with her and I feel i am at such a disadvantage because he has someone waiting for him (I would have to go out searching for new R) and he had such strong feelings for her thru the years.... i dont know if ultimately it would work out for them but it kills me

I have been a good wife, mother, lover, and he says I am the sweetest, nicest person he has ever met and that is why he decided to be with me , ignoring the part that we just aren't that compatible. We are very involved with our neighbors/friends...nobody knows about this, even my family. So hard to deal with on my own.

What does this look like to you? Should I give him an ultimatum, me or her? Or is that just setting me up for more grief? Go straight for divorce? Do legal separation (I only would concider this rather than divorce because I need healthcare insurance--I havent had a job since my first son (18) was born and I have some health issues)? Breaking up a marraige/family is horrible.

I'm so angry and hurt. Just isn't fair. Thanks for advice.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for starters you need to realize that he has rewritten the marital history and the way he felt about you in order for him to justify to himself that this affair is righteous

as far as your main questions-



> What does this look like to you? Should I give him an ultimatum, me or her? Or is that just setting me up for more grief? Go straight for divorce? Do legal separation (I only would concider this rather than divorce because I need healthcare insurance--I havent had a job since my first son (18) was born and I have some health issues)? Breaking up a marraige/family is horrible.



well honestly you can't be in a marriage with 3 people, can you?

so the ultimatum is a must no matter what, now if you are hesitant on even taking him back I can understand that feeling and you shouldn't rush into any decision as it probably depends greatly on his attitude and ability to help you heal and regain trust if you were to take him back

thus I recommend the following:

1) see a lawyer and know your legal rights first and foremost, get the paperwork rolling so you can show him just how serious you are 
2) don't assume it hasn't gone physical and schedule a doctor's appointment for STD testing
3) after these two things have been done then go to him and state that you cannot live in a marriage with 3 people. Unless he gives you full disclosure, complete transparency, goes NC with OW, and demonstrates true remorse that he does not have a chance to save this marriage (note you aren't saying you are definitely taking him back)

also please read the newbie link in my signature


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

He's trying to live out a fantasy - but he wants you to wait in the wings while he tests the waters? He's being incredibly selfish and I agree with Almostrecovered - two's company, three's a crowd. He needs to make up his mind and get off the fence.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

First call this what it is - an affair - emotional for sure - maybe physical. I had an EA with an old HS GF myself - based on how you describe where he is (wanting to see if it will work out with her) your options are fairly limited. You are right, if you make him stay he will resent you and pine for her endlessly - likely he'll try to carry on the affair under your nose. 

IMO all you can really do is tell him you will not be second choice and will not be chosen out of obligation, that based on his actions you are obviously not his first choice. Then tell him that he is free to go try her out and see how it goes, wish him well, and start moving on. Tell him that if he comes to the realization that you are in fact the first and ONLY choice that you'll have to evaluate where you are and how you feel about it then - that you can make no guarantees or promises - if he ever gets there. 

He may or may not come back - but what have you got currently?? A man who wants to be with another woman and wants your permission to go take her for a test drive and if he doesn't like it so much come back home like it was all okey dokey?!?! He wants your permission to go out and see if he can better deal you with no consequences if he can't. What malarkey!! 

I'm sorry but he thinks he wants out - in actuality he most likely doesn't really know that - but that's what he perceives and perception is reality. If he doesn't really want out the only way you can help that dawn on him is to help him see the reality of that decision.

Additionally I'll second everything AR said in his post.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You are in a no-win situation if ever there was one. Sigma and AR have been around the block and they have given you some of the finest advice that can be had.

Love yourself, respect yourself. Except for God's love (if you believe in God), this is all any of us has at the end of the day, anyhow.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with Sigma. You are in a no win situation. You can't make him stay and if he does then she will always be the 'what if' in his mind. Let him go. Wish him well and if he decides he wants you back then he may find after all this that you don't want him back. Or worse, that you ha e found someone else, your soulmate, in the meantime. That will be the risk he has to take.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_What does this look like to you? Should I give him an ultimatum, me or her? _

Yes, you should. 
Non-negotiable.
You need to tell him calmly but firmly that you will not be his back up plan. That he has choices and free will and that just like he married you of his own volition, if he chooses to leave that's his coice--but that you won't be around if it doesn't work out.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you. It is very evident that they were involved because nobody just randomly meets for lunch one December and then starts telling their spouse "I need to see if this will work out." This chick went from telling she was she was "totally in love" with her husband to now being separated (gee, I wonder why). It's because they had an affair. If her husband doesn't know, I would definitely contact him and tell him so that he is aware of what is going on. 

You must be firm.

Get the book Love Must Be Tough. Read it. It's very applicable to your situation. You can get it at your local library for free. 

http://books.google.com/books?id=Bm...6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=love must be tough&f=false


Boundaries and consequences, dear. I am so sorry for your pain but do not be a doormat. Let him know he is free to choose but if he leaves, you aren't going to be his Plan B.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Yes, it is an affair... ;(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MOMMY2ONE (Mar 6, 2012)

Sorry your going thru this horrible ordeal especially alone if i were you i would let his family and friends know what he wants to do so that he can see and feel the lack of disrespect you're living with.


cdm9999 said:


> I have been married for 20+ years, 4 children (6,12,17,18) and have a good life other than my not so great marraige.
> 
> Short background: H and I never got along great..I know he hasnt always felt totally connected to me in a soul mate kind of way (which is what he wants)...he is somewhat verbally abusive and doesnt treat me the way i want to be treated....although he is a good provider, good father, we have no financial trouble, we have no in-law trouble, no addictions, no sexual trouble, we are attracted physically to each other. and I do love him ....He loves me but not "in love"... for whatever reason, he is not happy with me.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Breaking up a marriage/family IS horrible. However, it is not you who chose to do that. He's already made that choice and is looking to you to protect him from its consequences. This is NOT fair, and you should be angry. Listen to what I am about to say and read it all the way before reacting - because it is your single last best chance to save your marriage. If it doesn't work, NOTHING will / would have anyway. You will know that you gave it your best.

It's line in the sand time. Go to a lawyer ASAP, and drop the bomb of filing for divorce on him. Do this while he is at work, and don't tip him off until you are ready to have him served. Nothing short of this will properly get your husband to appreciate the seriousness of what he has done and what sort of fork in the road in his life he is facing. And who files first CAN be a very big deal as far as having the edge/upper hand in the process. Have your lawyer seek full custody of the kids and the house, and temporary support for you and the kids. If possible, have the reason given for divorce in the filing as marital infidelity, not irreconcilable differences or whatever passes for 'no fault' in your state. You may need to push your lawyer on that point.

As for health insurance, You will stay on his insurance until it's final (make that part of the temporary orders, which will also prevent the kids from being moved away from you), which if it happens, you can then stay on for an additional 3 years post-D via COBRA (see that his paying for it is part of the settlement). Grab all the documentation of his affair before you can *before* he learns of what you are going to do. You will want that in your back pocket even if you have to go with a 'no fault' filing.

Now, with that you have put every ball in his court. Either he makes the decision you over her, and shows and does all the heavy lifting and work needed to repair things, or he choose to pursue the girl he could never get out of his system and he learn what his destiny is or whatever it is in his mind.

I say do this over a simple ultimatum with no serious actions behind it, because he's already clearly checked out of his marriage and would use any leeway or wiggle room to try and keep both options open until he knows for sure if option #1 is going to work out for him or not. After 4 kids and 28 years you do not deserve to be option #2. He has a decision to make, and he can't put it off any longer.

My heart goes out to you.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

:iagree::iagree:


Anubis said:


> Breaking up a marriage/family IS horrible. However, it is not you who chose to do that. He's already made that choice and is looking to you to protect him from its consequences. This is NOT fair, and you should be angry. Listen to what I am about to say and read it all the way before reacting - because it is your single last best chance to save your marriage. If it doesn't work, NOTHING will / would have anyway. You will know that you gave it your best.
> 
> It's line in the sand time. Go to a lawyer ASAP, and drop the bomb of filing for divorce on him. Do this while he is at work, and don't tip him off until you are ready to have him served. Nothing short of this will properly get your husband to appreciate the seriousness of what he has done and what sort of fork in the road in his life he is facing. And who files first CAN be a very big deal as far as having the edge/upper hand in the process. Have your lawyer seek full custody of the kids and the house, and temporary support for you and the kids. If possible, have the reason given for divorce in the filing as marital infidelity, not irreconcilable differences or whatever passes for 'no fault' in your state. You may need to push your lawyer on that point.
> 
> ...





Having the confidence to walk away (even though it is very painful), puts you in a very powerful position psychologically. It's completely unfair for you to suffer on the sidelines while he plays with the ex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In addition to what Anubis said above, he can keep your children on his health insurance until a child is 26. Also make sure that's in the divorce. 

Make sure you make copies of all of your financial records before you have him served. Keep the copies in a safe place... like a family member's house. When I did this I rented a small storage space to keep records and my most valiable things in.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I don't know for sure of course and a lot of people would think I am being blind, but it is very likely that he has NOT had sex with her... I think it is an emotional affair (emails/texts) and has not gotten any further....but he still wants to see if he can find his happiness in her. He said she told him she would not start anything until he and i are separated. He is actually worried she may find someone else while she is waiting for him... aparently she is dating or at least looking around out there. This is what he tells me.

sooooooo, this morning I decided I would give it another shot of saving my marraige because i think this idea of a happy future with her is clouding his judgement and keeping any chance of him and I working it out. So I went up to hug him in bed (yes still sleeping in same bed but havent had sex in over a month, which is longest time ever --like i said before, we had a good sex life and he says this isnt about sex...he is attracted to me and is satisfied with what our sex life was)...anyway, went up to him in bed and said that I dont want him to go, i love him and need him, i wont let him go, lets try, we can make things better, lets simplify our lives and change things, work on it together, etc..... wasn't crying, just letting him know these things and how i feel.......he responded by returning my hug.

I started getting a little sexual with him...not groping him, just letting him know subtly with my body that i wanted him....oh yeah, and i said "i want you so bad"..... he reponded with " sex was never the problem with us" ..i could feel he was getting turned on physically, but he didnt make a move. 

After a while, as we are embracing ,i kept talking and he said he feels trapped and feels he has this opportunity to be happy with her....that he was never completely happy with me....i then was telling him to get her out of his mind...it is not real...it is just bringing him back to a feeling he had when he was 18 and it is a typical phenomenon that people are so attracted to first loves because it makes them feel young again....I told him that with her in his thoughts, it would just cloud the issues and he would make a mistake.... he said he never got over her...i said that was immature way of thinking and to think about what is important and what he will lose.

So he ends up getting up and putting on his pants and laying back down and putting his favorite pillow between us. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to get dressed to leave the room but decided to lay back down and the pillow helps him breathe better. and he said "you dont want to have sex if i am not committed to trying" I said no. That was it and we left the room.

I understand that he doesn't want to use me and i appreciate that, but i still feel hurt and sad. 

Now, about D:
I will give him a little time (not much) to think this over and if he wont choose the marraige, I will have to file or at least start with a separation. 
I understand about claiming infidelity, but i really dont think he slept with her..... is emotional affair considered infidelity?....how can i claim this it it may not be true....i know i can try to get proof but he is very technical savvy and i am not so couldnt break into his phone. I do have the admission on tape of the fact he wants to be with her and maybe of him meeting her for lunch once, but that is it. I do think they are communicating by email, not sure about phonecalls.... dont know about anything else.... dont think i can prove anything else. should i still claim infidelity?

If we do D, I want to get all that i am entitled to financially because he makes good money, she (OW) has her own business although i dont know how much $ it gets her.... I have not worked outside home in 18 years and feel i dont have much earning power at this point, I have some health issues that may make it hard for me to get insurance (slight high blood pressure, plus i had thyroid cancer which i need to take meds everyday now that i dont have a thyroid--not sure if this is a detrement to getting insurance in the future) plus I think i deserve all that i am entitled to... 

I am not looking to screw him over, just want my share for me and my children and beyond the time my children are grown... he will still be making good money and what will i have...I know i will have to go back to work, but would never make nearly that much. Dont get me wrong, he's not making mega bucks but does very well. We dont have tons of extras but we cover our very high bills.........

I'd hate for her to benefit from that and me lowering my standard of living so much. While kids are young, his child support will be so high, he wont have much financially, but my oldest is 18 and one following right after...and I have a long life to live i hope. 

Anyone familiar with this scenario have any legal advice? He will get a good pension when he retires. What do you think i expect from the future. I know you will say go see a lawyer and i will, but maybe some tidbits of knowledge here too from those who have been there....

Thanks ...this is helpful for me to vent here.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

oh yeah, to add something:

You may be wondering WHY IS SHE DOING THIS WHEN WE JUST GAVE HER THIS GOOD ADVICE!!
Well, i didnt read the last few posts that came through yesterday, so I know you probably think I am not listening...i am ...just a little confused and I am sure many of you understand what this is like.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> is emotional affair considered infidelity?....


From someone who had one.... HELL FVCKING YES IT'S INFIDELITY!!!!!

He's so far in "the Fog" it's ridiculous. The advice you've gotten so far is good. Don't let him treat you like a door mat. He will cake eat as long as you will allow it.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

This is very reminiscent of my recent situation, except I was out of the country when it started and of course every marriage is different.

From my experience, these lost loves are very dangerous to a marriage. First, they have been mulled over and idealized for years. Second, they have none of the baggage, history, resentments, and practical problems that a long marriage accumulates.

I had the "pleasure" of reading some of the emails between my wife and the OM after-the-fact as they were getting back in touch with each other. It went from 0 - 250 mph in about two weeks.

Before I knew the extent of what was going on, I naively posted here about my wife having an EA. Many posters advised that it was likely to have gone physical. They were right. They advised me to disrupt the affair by calling the OM's wife, etc. They were right.

Based on what you have said, I believe that your husband is having a physical affair. All of the signs are there - their opportunity to meet, close emotional connection, his abstention from sex with you, him looking for an exit.

My wife was saying she wanted to dump me while she was texting and calling this guy 30 times a day. And that was before they met.

This is an extreme situation and you have to force him to make a choice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_went up to him in bed and said that I dont want him to go, i love him and need him, i wont let him go, lets try, we can make things better, lets simplify our lives and change things, work on it together, etc.._... 

_I started getting a little sexual with him...not groping him, just letting him know subtly with my body that i wanted him....oh yeah, and i said "i want you so bad"..... he reponded with " sex was never the problem with us" ..i could feel he was getting turned on physically, but he didnt make a move. _

YOu did the WORST absolute thing you can do with a wayward: you groveled. Can't take ti back since it's done already but you absolutely MUST STOP DOING THIS. Immediately. His head is so far up in the fog tunnel that th eonly thing you groveling will do is push him farther and farther away. Guaranteed. 

The only thing that may wake him up is you putting your foot down. STAT. "I don't deserve this. I deserve a lot better than someone who is telling me they aren't over their ex and want to see how it goes with her. I am no back up plan. If you want time to figure it out, leave, but there are no promises I will be here when you get back. I am committed to our marriage, 100%, but not if you are having an affair and needing time to go off to find out if things will work out w/ someone else. It sets a horrible example for our children and shows you do not respect me as a wife, as your spouse, as a woman."

BE FIRM. Being cute and trying to have sex wit hhim and telling him how bad you want him and how you won't let him go is NOT the answer. 

OMG ............NO! 

That is your 2x4. You need to tell him all of the above. Today. Yesterady. Fast. And stick to it. Until he sees you respect yourself, he won't respect you at all. He is showing you over and over agian.

Honestly, he's gone already, IMO. So stop trying to hold onto him. Let go or be dragged in the process. The sooner you can let him go, the better for you. He may wake up and realize what a complete a$$ he is being and how unfairly he is treating you.

You asked--yes, an emotional affair is still an affair. I have said it 100x and will say it again, I believe an emotional affair is worse than a physical affair. Because it's your heart strings, your feelings. If this were an EA iwth someone he just met, I wouldn't think it was as bad. But because this EA is from someone he knew in childhood/once dated, I think it's the absolute worst of the worst.

The fact he hasn't had sex with you in a month...and rejected you sexually and told you he wouldn't sleep w/ you felt he wasn't committed, and has told he's not over her... all leads me to believe his affair w/ her has, in fact, become physical. 

An emotional affair + a physical affair = Molotov ****tail. It's the machete of all affairs, the one that cuts the deepest. 

She is lying when she tells him she doesn't want to "start anything" if he's not separated... that is bullsh!t. They have been having an affair since they started contacting eachother again. 

Please please find your dignity and self-respect as a woman and get rid of this guy. Today. Tell him you are not going to be his Plan B, C or Z. CaUse that's what you are right now. His go-to plan if nothing works out w/ her. His 2nd choice. His ragdoll he can take out of the toy box whenever he feels like playing w/ it.

*
STOP BEING a DOORMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Martin12 said:


> From my experience, these lost loves are very dangerous to a marriage. First, they have been mulled over and idealized for years.


:iagree: :iagree::iagree:

They are THE WORST.

Right now, he's "fence-sitting." So move the fence for him. Tell him he has to choose.

Get the Love Must be Tough book and read it this weekend. James Dobson. Can get it at your local library for free.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Anubis said:


> Breaking up a marriage/family IS horrible. However, it is not you who chose to do that. He's already made that choice and is looking to you to protect him from its consequences. This is NOT fair, and you should be angry. Listen to what I am about to say and read it all the way before reacting - because it is your single last best chance to save your marriage. If it doesn't work, NOTHING will / would have anyway. You will know that you gave it your best.
> 
> It's line in the sand time. Go to a lawyer ASAP, and drop the bomb of filing for divorce on him. Do this while he is at work, and don't tip him off until you are ready to have him served. Nothing short of this will properly get your husband to appreciate the seriousness of what he has done and what sort of fork in the road in his life he is facing. And who files first CAN be a very big deal as far as having the edge/upper hand in the process. Have your lawyer seek full custody of the kids and the house, and temporary support for you and the kids. If possible, have the reason given for divorce in the filing as marital infidelity, not irreconcilable differences or whatever passes for 'no fault' in your state. You may need to push your lawyer on that point.
> 
> ...


WOW! How ironic to me it is that I followed your advise two months BEFORE reading this post of yours! In a sense, you just validated my thinking and actions, and I thank you for that. :smthumbup:


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Thanks...I will try to be strong but need some time to get my thoughts and actions together.... this weekend, WH actually wants to do things with the kids and me for the holiday... i am not taking that as a good sign for us... i dont think that is the case, but still weird ... maybe he is thinking this might be the last time all together.?........i need to gather info during/after the weekend and find a lawyer .......I have no idea how to find a good one...... after the weekend and me gathering info, i will ask him one more time if he will stop all contact with the OW and work on us....then i will plan to make my move with all this.....It is just so hard to get thru the day.........BTW...ordered Love Must Be Tough...will be getting it in mail tomorrow.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Search for the 180 here and read up on it. Don't give him the comfort of acting like his wife - remember he is trying to better deal you yet keep you as back up in case it blows up - which deep down he knows it will. Can you say CAKE EATER!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hang in there aand be firm. I would not as him if he wants to try again. You've already done that a ton and its the exact opposite of what you need to be doing. He already knows that. Please, or your dignity, do NOT do it again. You need to tell him you're not his back up plan. That book is great! I'm gllad you go it. Heed the advice!..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to start a hard 180, and show him you can exist w/out him

As to atty---go down to the family courts, spend a day or two, and watch different atty's in action----you need to get a bulldog

But before doing any of that---you might just call his bluff, and give him a hard dose of reality-------go to the bank, and take all the marital assets you are entitled to and put them in your name only. Make sure from now on he provides you with everything you need financially, and when you need it., from his earnings.

You cannot force him to love you/stay with you, and you do need to try and live a good happy life, at least for your kids sake.

Maybe after you have thrown the 180 at him for a while, and he sees you do not need him, maybe he just might realize what he is losing, and he might wake up

I would not give him the legal sep.---if you do that, you then become responsible solely for taking care of yourself, also it would waste marital assets you will want, should you D, if you both live in seperate homes.----just do the 180, let him stay in the house, and ignore him---do not cook, for him, do not wash his clothes, do not shop for him---let him do everything for himself----give him a good solid taste of reality, as to life on his own,----just be a roomate.

Up to now he has had no actionable consequences, in return for his little midlife crises----by the way the statistic for adulterus hookups---has a 97% FAILURE RATE!!!!!


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> Thanks...I will try to be strong but need some time to get my thoughts and actions together.... this weekend, WH actually wants to do things with the kids and me for the holiday... i am not taking that as a good sign for us... i dont think that is the case, but still weird ... maybe he is thinking this might be the last time all together.?........i need to gather info during/after the weekend and find a lawyer .......I have no idea how to find a good one...... after the weekend and me gathering info, i will ask him one more time if he will stop all contact with the OW and work on us....then i will plan to make my move with all this.....It is just so hard to get thru the day.........BTW...ordered Love Must Be Tough...will be getting it in mail tomorrow.


You know it is an affair. I understand you don't want it to be, but wishing it weren't so won't make the problem go away. You can continue to play nice, but it is like putting a band aid on a giant, festering abscess. 

My advice: 

You need to become icy cold calm and distant in all your interactions with him.

If you are suffering from anxiety or depression from what is probably the most traumatic event you will experience in your life, see your doctor for medication for the short term. I have a good friend who is a doc, so I hear lots of stories (without any names, of course). You would be amazed at how much infidelity goes on and how many people wisely use medication to help them through the roughest parts. Infidelity knows no socioeconomic boundaries. 

Before giving the final ultimatum, get your attorney lined up and ready to file the paperwork. Follow your lawyer's advice about taking joint money and putting it in your own account so you have money to get you by for the next few months.

Then TELL your husband, don't ask, TELL him the other woman needs to go or you guys are done. Be prepared for anger, blameshifting, denial, him leaving in a huff, etc. It will most likely happen.

Then file the next day. You will end up having to file to get his attention. He has to know he is going to lose you. Realize that you might have to press on with the divorce. He isn't married to you in any way but the technicality of the marriage certificate right now, though. His body may be present, but his mind is with the other woman. Your marriage as you knew it is dead and gone. By filing for divorce, maybe he will realize what he is losing and you can start a new marriage with him.

You need to be icy cold and firm with your husband. The more weakness you show, the lower the chances of him pulling his head out of his rear end.

I would say good luck, but luck isn't going to have anything to do with it. You are going to have to make your own luck now. I do wish you well and hope things work out for the best for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Posse said:


> Then TELL your husband, don't ask,* TELL him the other woman needs to go or you guys are done*
> 
> 
> *He has to know he is going to lose you*.


Thiiiiiiiissssss!!!! 

Survivorwife, this advice is absolutely 100% key.

YO\ou also have to lose your fear of "losing" him. Based on all of your posts, he is already gone.

And Posse is correct: it is already and has been an affair for awhile now. Don't kid yourself. 

I don't agree that you could be "icy cold" to him but you need to find your self-respect and tell him what the score is & start treating him as you would a colleague: unemotional and to the point. He needs to see that you respect yourself cause right now all he sees is a groveling woman who is willing to put up with/tolerate the little crumbs he is throwing at you. His behavior is completely revolting, BTW. 

Look at the big picture, this man has told you straight up he needs to figure out if it will work out with an ex of his before he can decide whether to stay married or not.

That is INSANE!!!! And totally unfair to you and absolutely does not have any of your best interests. Like I said, REVOLTING behavior 100%. When you told him you loved him, he put a pillow between you in the bed! That is not loving or kind. This guy, sorry to say, is acting like a straight up A$$hole!!! Would you treat a friend like this? Would you ever treat him like this? The answer is NO.

Stand up for yourself. NOW!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Thiiiiiiiissssss!!!!
> 
> Survivorwife, this advice is absolutely 100% key.
> 
> ...


Right now, you're behavior is making you highly undesirable, no one wants someone to beg them to stay & that's what you're doing.
Get a back bone & refuse to let this man treat you this way. 
"Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.”- Tucker Max

If your WS wants to spend time with your kids this wknd, let him, just don't be there too.
You don't have to tell him what you're doing, just say you have plans.
STOP being so available & don't worry that he's going to go running to her, he already is.
This is about getting back your pride, your self worth & not letting him walk all over your marriage.
It's also time for an ultimatum, her or you right now, no more waiting to decide, like he's test driving a car.
Own your self esteem & tell him you are DONE being his doormat.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Along with the 180, and actually calling him out for what he is pulling, I recommend you also expose his affair to the light of day.

Find everything you can about the OW, and then send a note to each important person in her life about what she is doing going after your husband.

Do the same thing with your family and friends.

His affair is a fantasy world of fun and joy. You need to introduce the real world to it big time.

As for money - he may leave but he is financially responsible for everything as if he was still there. That means mortgage,car insurance, health insurance, kids shoes, vacations for this kids etc. AND spousal support for you.

This is another form of introducing reality to his fantasy world - he doesn't just get to switch teams and take his uniform and equipment to the other side. 

I also think he's lying to you about not taking it physical because she is so honorable. Cheaters lie, and anyone who would be in affair like this are liars. Both him and her. 

The fact that he blew you off for sex, is because he is afraid of betraying her.

edit to add:

Another bit of reality to introduce to this fantasy world is that he is still the father of all those kids. That means not just his money, but his time as well. He doesn't get to use you as a safe baby sitter while he runs off to the OW.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would definitely out the affair to her husband. Do so without any warning to your husband or the OW. Read the threads in my signature(s) on how to do this.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Hi...I did take your advice and I did read Love Must Be Tough .... it really shed light on what has to be done. And it made sense to me.

As far as other advice given:
I am still confused about the exposure part of this... I don't really understand that. I can see contacting her spouse and telling his/my family members but to do the whole exposure to our friends/her friends, etc seems like I would look petty and immature. And seems to contradict 180. I think he might be relieved that I broke the news...and I just think it is a nasty thing to do........not that he doesnt deserve it, but I dont want to lower myself and seem like a petty, revengeful b**ch....i dont know about the exposure thing...am i looking at this wrong? Would I still be effective without doing the massive exposure and I dont think the book advocates this, does it?

Also, I don't know how to handle this with the kids... now I plan to tell him "HER or ME right now" and see if he agrees to transparancy and if i see remorse (Personally, i think he will just me mad at me)...so, assuming he won't let her go immediately and i start filing for D, what do I say to kids? when do i tell them? what do i tell them? (remember ages 18,17,12,6) ...I really dont know how to handle this part of it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I actually posted about my thoughts on exposure yesterday but the OP must've deleted his thread so I will recap

I believe exposure is best used for destroying the affair, I understand the desire for revenge by many (including myself) but to me exposure should be done for a purpose. Note that exposing does not always work but as a BS dealing with an ongoing affair there are not many tools you have to use.

1) exposure to OM/OW's spouse is a MUST, they deserve to know plain and simple. The OMW/OWH is operating in a marriage without all of the facts. Aside from the simple morality there, letting them know will often cause the AP to throw your spouse under the bus in order to save their own skin. Other benefits include that the OMW/OWH may already know more or different things than you do and can provide info or an extra set of eyes.

2) exposing to friends and family is the next step, throwing the affair into the light takes away the excitement and if you have family and friends who are not accepting of such behavior then being shunned by them will sometimes help your WS see that they are not justified in their choice to cheat. Note that you can come across enablers, toxic friends or those who choose to bury their heads in the sand

3) last resort is exposure to work if it is a work affair or the work has a code of conduct, to me this is a last ditch attempt in most cases (except maybe military as CO's can be helpful in ending the affair) and should be tread upon lightly, if D is imminent then it can affect the amount of money you get for support etc


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so in your case, I would tell OW's husband even though they are separated, he needs to know that the separation may even stem from his wife's cheating with your husband

since that will likely have no effect due to the separation I would at least tell your husband's family and ask for their support and help to destroy the affair


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> As far as other advice given:
> I am still confused about the exposure part of this... I don't really understand that. I can see contacting her spouse and telling his/my family members but to do the whole exposure to our friends/her friends, *etc seems like I would look petty and immature. *And seems to contradict 180. I think he might be relieved that I broke the news...and I just think it is a nasty thing to do........not that he doesnt deserve it, but I dont want to lower myself and seem like a petty, revengeful b**ch....i dont know about the exposure thing...am i looking at this wrong? Would I still be effective without doing the massive exposure and I dont think the book advocates this, does it?


Do you care about your marriage or how you look. Exposure is a proven technique to bust up the affair by making it uncomfortable for the wayward spouse. You came here for advice. Please take it. These people have been through what you are going through and much worse. If you think your way is better, please be my guest. 

I know the advice that you are getting seems counter-intuitive; however, the people giving it are veterans who have seen all kinds of situations. Trust me, yours is not that unique.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> Hi...I did take your advice and I did read Love Must Be Tough .... it really shed light on what has to be done. And it made sense to me.
> 
> As far as other advice given:
> I am still confused about the exposure part of this... I don't really understand that. I can see contacting her spouse and telling his/my family members but to do the whole exposure to our friends/her friends, etc seems like I would look petty and immature. And seems to contradict 180. I think he might be relieved that I broke the news...and I just think it is a nasty thing to do........not that he doesnt deserve it, but I dont want to lower myself and seem like a petty, revengeful b**ch....i dont know about the exposure thing...am i looking at this wrong? Would I still be effective without doing the massive exposure and I dont think the book advocates this, does it?
> ...


Well, the older two, I would talk to them frankly. Eventually, they will ALL find out if it comes to that...or, someone in the family may talk, etc. But the younger two. Hmmm. I think it best to focus on them knowing it isn't about them. That mom and dad have some problems and can no longer be together (if that is the route you take). Eventually, they will learn the full reason, but with their ages... especially the 6 yr old, it's too much for them to understand and process. But you tell the kids TOGETHER, whatever you decide. So they know that mom and dad are still there FOR THEM, even if they can't be together. This is how I would handle it, anyway. And when it was getting close to that point for my husband and me, I sat the kids down and told them that the arguing between daddy and mommy had nothing to do with them, etc. Fortunately, my husband and I have been able to work thru this.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Do you care about your marriage or how you look. *Exposure is a proven technique to bust up the affair by making it uncomfortable for the wayward spouse. * You came here for advice. Please take it. These people have been through what you are going through and much worse. If you think your way is better, please be my guest.
> 
> I know the advice that you are getting seems counter-intuitive; however, the people giving it are veterans who have seen all kinds of situations. Trust me, yours is not that unique.


Telling friends is, as Count said, a proven technique. If the WS has been telling friends how horrible you are, to justify the affair, then WS will have to tell those friends that he lied. And that is always a hard thing to do. The friends will then be watching closely, and not believe such comments as readily when he, or anyone else, for that matter, brings something like this up. Finding out that not one, but two of my so-called friends fed me a line like that has made me more skeptical when dealing with people in this situation. I don't take anyone at face value anymore. I wait and see if the story is true before I truly believe it. Not saying I don't offer advice, but I don't get involved anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't have to expose to anyone if you do not want to. In your case though, I would expose to her husband alone. He has a right to know, after all. And they may not be as "separated" as she has told your husband. And if they are separated, what do you think led to that? Answer: the affair, absolutely no doubt about it. Maybe he told her she needs to GTFO or something but, no doubt about it, the affair has absolutely played a part in it.

Please, for the sake of your dignity, tell your husband what is what. You deserve a lot better than what he is doling out.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

UPDATE: I am so thrown off by what happened!! What do you think this means?

Since it is the holiday weekend and kids around all the time, i figured i would info gather this weekend and then on tuesday tell him "her or me".... and take some action accordingly.... so havent brought that up yet........

So anyway, today in church (we went to a special mass for my son--usually DH doesnt go to church,but did for my son this time)...in the morning I asked if he was going and he would do what i wanted and i said i dont care....he decided to come....

We were in church and at the give the sign of peace/shake hands part, he put his arms around me and gave me a loving kiss on forehead... i responded just matter of fact...didnt pull away but didnt really respond.....then later in the mass i noticed him sniffling and wiping away a few tears

when we were sitting next to each other i sat about a foot away and he pulled me/slid me towards him and put his hand on my knee.

We went out to breakfast with my 2 oldest sons on the way home from church.

Then he asked about making plans with some relatives of his that are coming from overseas for a couple of weeks.... I just went along with the conversation (my sons were there) and said something like ...maybe they want to go to the beach or something.

So i figured i would wait til tuesday to say WTF?? are you dropping this girl or what? 

BUT then, just now, he asked me for the names of books I wanted to read with him to try to save our marraige (before I found out that there was a specific girl in the wings waiting for him)... NO NOT Love Must be Tough (i know that one i need to read alone)....but His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters.......those are the books i asked him to read to try and fix this (again, before OW). After I found out about EA with OW I decided those books dont apply anymore. So now i am surprised he said he wants to read them. 

What do you make of this?? I know I still will confront, but what do you think this is? and if i confront him and he says he decided to stop it with her, how do i make him prove it?

I am at a loss of what to think?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Pay no attention to his words or even his deeds at this point.

If there is an OW and she has a husband expose the affair with whatever evidence you have and the reaction from your H will show you where you need to go.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

What I think: He is torn and waffling. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but is still in the fog. I suspect that perhaps he has had some bumps with the OW, and his level of internal guilt is up.

All of that said, he IS NOT in a strong enough position to fix things with his marriage. At this point he is in the middle, he is not fully choosing and committing to either one of you. And that is what he needs to do. He has to choose, and he has to mean it in actions and deeds. That's what we've pushing you towards - dropping the big bomb on him is an endgame.

Think of it like a poker-like game. It keeps going round and round, with everyone adding a little to the pot, drawing a card or whatever, but no conclusion. By you dropping the "choose her or me, NOW!" on him, with the D to back it up, it's the same as putting all your cards down and calling the hand. Everyone has to stop and play what they have, win or lose. If you don't do that, no one else will, and your hand will weaken with more time with the OW.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

From Wikipedia:

*Cognitive dissonance *is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognitions (e.g., ideas, beliefs, values, emotional reactions) simultaneously. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> So i figured i would wait til tuesday to say WTF?? are you dropping this girl or what?
> 
> BUT then, just now, he asked me for the names of books I wanted to read with him to try to save our marraige (before I found out that there was a specific girl in the wings waiting for him)... NO NOT Love Must be Tough (i know that one i need to read alone)....but His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters.......those are the books i asked him to read to try and fix this (again, before OW). After I found out about EA with OW I decided those books dont apply anymore. So now i am surprised he said he wants to read them.
> 
> ...


By taking on an emotional affair on the side, your husband has clearly disrespected you and hurt you in the most profound way possible.

It's now his turn to earn back YOUR recommitment to the marriage. 

HE broke the wedding vows. YOU are the one in the driver's seat dictating whether or not to reconcile TO him.

He can read those books. That's really very sweet of him.

What I don't see is him on his knees kissing your feet telling you he just made the stupidest choices of his entire life and that he would do anything to take them back. My point is, it's very simple. NO CONTACT = WORK ON THE MARRIAGE. CONTACT = Exposure to anyone he respects plus filing divorce papers.

So when you raise the subject on Tuesday, this is what you say to him. "I'm so glad you've taken a sudden interest in my books on marriage. But I need to make clear: marriage is between two people only. It is a FARCE to say you'll work on the marriage while you remain in contact with your girlfriend in ANY way, shape, or form. I am totally committed to working on the marriage, but only if you are totally committed to me. You have to choose today, her or me, or you give me no choice but to file for divorce."

You say not one word about exposure. That isn't an option for him to pick and choose about.

When you say this speech, you better mean it. You must be ready to meet with a lawyer and get the papers ready ASAP. I would spend some time between now and Tuesday picking out some attorneys to meet. Realize that all you are doing is getting legal advice so that you know all your rights--this will give you strength to face what you must do. Many divorces never go through, they can be delayed or retracted but he must demonstrate true remorse for that to happen if he doesn't choose you on Tuesday.

This is not a game you are playing. This is war, a battle for your marriage and your husband's heart. But it's also a battle for your self-love, self-respect, and dignity. The man you married does not get to treat you like yesterday's leftovers. He has been living a lie, having his cake (the security of you and the marriage) and eating it too (his thang on the side).

THREATS of divorce and exposure do not work. They teach the cheater that you are even more of a coward than they are, and that is saying a lot.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

He is eating cake.
Trying to keep you while he plays with her.

Squirrel some money into an account to protect funds. As much as you can.

Tell her husband, your family and friends, your husband's family and friends.

Let your H go crazy with shame which will look like anger. Heck. It will seem he is possessed and needs an exorcist. 

Stay calm in the storm and decide then how to proceed.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

On the subject of exposure: please read this thread where a woman effectively used exposure to end her husband's attempt to get together with an old girlfriend who lived far away. The woman's husband--not surprisingly--appreciated her contacting him (you do need to use solid evidence if you plan to do this so you don't get written off, because her husband will be in denial at first).

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43635-caught-still-denying.html

Exposure has NOTHING to do with being immature.

1. How would you feel if another human being knew that your husband was having an affair--and that person didn't contact you to inform you of this in a dignified, kind way? That spouse is no different than you are. Many people think that they will stick their foot in it because, who knows, maybe they have some kind of understanding or open marriage about BFs on the side. Really now? What percentage of the time do you think that's the case?

2. The people in his life who he respects will lovingly hold him to his vows. This is not about humiliation--these are people who likely stood there at your wedding and SWORE to the minister that they would, by their presence, support the marriage. Guess what??? THIS is precisely what was meant by that.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Thanks everyone so much....this all helps me feel not so alone:

ok so what is the order of actions: (do i have this right?)

I plan on giving him the ultimatum, then if he waffles still, i will tell him he is free to go and i won't be second choice and I will go on and live my life without him ... (I assume at this point we will be living in house at least temporarily...i figure i will tell him that we will be living as roommates and he will take care of himself since he made his choice)....

Now..i still have to search for a lawyer (i figure it may take a week or so to pick one and get info to them..i have no idea) Should i wait for the ultimatum conversation until i get a lawyer and have papers ready to go so it all happens at once so he can't trump me (i dont know how long it takes for the divorce papers to be drawn up) OR should i do the ultimatum conversation tomorrow and give him a few days to let it sink in (in case he makes the right decision)and in the meantime, i get my ducks lined up ready to GO

As far as the exposure to his family, OWS, etc ....does this happen simultaneously serving him with papers ...

As of now, I havent confronted him with anything in about a week. I need time to prepare. What is the importance of timing in all this...I am itching to tell him give her up totally or i am gone , but dont know if there should be too much time in between that and the D filing (which will be TOTAL SHOCK to him)... should I just bide my time until all is ready to go at once? Thanks.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Get the lawyer and the D-Papers working.
Shouldn`t take more than a couple of days to get a first draft ready to serve.

Expose the affair to OWH.

The confrontation will happen on it`s own at that point with you in a position of power.

Say nothing to your H about exposing, just do it.

Your husband will be hit with his AP freaking out over her marriage and probably tossing him under the bus.

Just when he starts to get his legs under him he`ll be served with your D-papers.

He may be fairly malleable at that point, you`d know best.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

UPDATE (about a month went by since I started post),,thanks to all so far:

I have been pretty much playing nice for several reasons:

I needed some time to get my thoughts together

I went to a couple of lawyers consults and I have one i like (getting paperwork together)

I have had my husbands family stay here a few days and I couldnt bear to upset his elderly mother (it was her family she hasnt seen in decades) so I played nice wife thru this (i know, many would say I shouldnt do this, but I love his mother and family and his family loves me)

My sons graduation is today (he is salutatorian and will be giving a speech) and my other son is going to a special once in a lifetime prestigious program this week and I dont want the kids to know anything until after these events.

Also, I needed to really think about things and what i was going to do, especially since I didnt know the extent of this affair.

SOOOOO now the latest developments with my WH :

Last week (after not bringing this up at all) I told him I wanted to go out and talk (we have had not one minute along without kids around to talk...literally) 
So, I told him that I wanted to try to save the marriage but he would have to stop contact with OW. He said he wasnt talking about her and I said then you give me no choice but to D. He said he didnt want to D but just separation so he can figure out what to do. I said that couldnt happen and I would be a fool to let it.
He started explaining my part in the breakdown of the marraige and I said I wouldnt talk about anything unless he got rid of the OW.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

good for you for standing up to his BS


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Continued from last post (pressed enter by accident)

So i told him that I take some responsibility for breakdown in the marraige but the affair is 100% his fault. At this point, I still dont know the extent of affair beyond text/talk. But he refuses to talk about her. He says you really want to go as drastic as D? I said i cant have relationship with 3 people.

next few days were normal so to speak

Well, here goes the latest: Last night I put VAR in WH car and listened to it.... he met with her and i heard them talking on VAR 
BTW I asked him if he was seeing her he said no, he just went out for drinks/eat.......since i knew he was lying, i said, i know you saw her, why else would you be gone so long, you didnt answer my calls, (of course i didnt tell about the var), accused her of being a homewrecker, I said, why are you protecting her, you havent had sex with me for 2 months because you are fkng her, .... he just stopped talking to me and went to sleep (i woke him up in the middle of the night for this) BTW-- I dont think they are sleeping together yet, but who knows.

As far as what i caught on the var:
I only heard his side of course and a lot i couldnt make out, but at one point he said ..."now that i am going one way, you are going another.... you are back in his (OMWi i assume) bed.... you say that i could never leave carol " not exact quote but kind of like that.... 

Ok i knowthis is bad....


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

He went out this morning to look at a used car for my son ( i know this is true) and I have my sons graduation party with family from both sides coming this afternoon....what a horrible day to try to get thru like all is ok ... I guess we will just ignore each other i suppose... not sure how he will react to me ... could be friendly, could be cold, not sure. all i know is i have to get thru this day with my/his family with smile on my face


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, take it five minutes at a time. You can do this!


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

So this is my plan... I am going to try to talk to him tomorrow (one last effort to get him to go NC, etc) which i dont think will work.

I will tell my brother and sister on sunday when i see them. I need support. NOBODY knows what has been going on. 

If he wont NC, I will see that lawyer i like asap (should be able to get in monday or tuesday) and start process, which he says takes about 2 weeks for paperwork and agreement to be written. then the serving of the papers.

My biggest fear is him getting nasty and vengeful. I think he may be more "generous" or easy about stuff in the D if he doesnt think I am being vengeful which is how may interpret some things. He is a jeckle and hyde personality. He is VERY smart. He is a upper level cop in my area. I am on the fence on how i should play this.

I know lots here say to piss him off and do this or do that. I dont know if that is the way i should go.... I know firm is ok but he may take exposure and turn it against me and make things very difficult for me. Not sure, but i have seen this side of him. 

He can be very "nice" and say that I am a wonderful person, he is sorry he couldnt be there for me the way he should have, he is still attracted to me, i deserve better.............but he can be nasty about things too.

i obviously want to get what is my share in a D, but I think I may get this easier way or the harder way. I have 4 kids and a big house with huge taxes and expenses. If he stays with OW, her BH will probably have to pay her child support ..not sure about alimony, so between her and my WH, they may do ok if they are together combining the monies.

What I do want to do is have him served, tell his immediate family, my family, the OWH, some neighbors that are close friends of mine (and they are friends with him too) and my close friends....I dont think i want to go into his friend base.

I also want to email the OW and tell her that I love my H and want to work on my marriage and that I dont want her destroying my family and to basically lay off.....no threats obviously.... i would be civilized about it and even try to get her to take the high road and stop it with my H. Is this bad idea?

Thanks everyone....I really need the help now.

And of course i would love him to want to R and want to work on the marraige and i know the conditions of that. I just dont know if that could happen because he cant see a lot of his own faults.

Thanks everyone....you are my lifeline right now.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> Continued from last post (pressed enter by accident)
> 
> So i told him that I take some responsibility for breakdown in the marraige but the affair is 100% his fault. At this point, I still dont know the extent of affair beyond text/talk. But he refuses to talk about her. He says you really want to go as drastic as D? I said i cant have relationship with 3 people.
> 
> ...


 
When your spouse doesnt have sex with you because he sees it as cheating on the homewrecker, it is time to get firm and not keep thinking about how it will devastate others..... (because his loyalty is with her) His conversation with her shows why he is trying to hold on as long as he can. If homewrecker is back in her husbands bed, it is very clear that he is trying to look out for himself by making sure he doesnt leave until he knows that homewrecker will be with him and not leave him and go back to her husband after he leaves his home. He is not thinking about his family he is only thinking of himself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

His niceness is no more that having you as the back plan.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Don't bother emailing her. Do see the lawyer. Do get support from your family. Do expose to take away his support base. 

Be strong. It sounds like you are on the right track.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

" What I do want to do is have him served, tell his immediate family, my family, the OWH, some neighbors that are close friends of mine (and they are friends with him too) and my close friends....I dont think i want to go into his friend base.

I also want to email the OW and tell her that I love my H and want to work on my marriage and that I dont want her destroying my family and to basically lay off.....no threats obviously.... i would be civilized about it and even try to get her to take the high road and stop it with my H. Is this bad idea?

Thanks everyone....I really need the help now."

You tell your parents , his parents and your sons. Be honest and name the OW.
Find her husband/ significant other , parents , siblings and expose her .
If you can find a way to mail or message a good number of her friends , do so.
File for D , you've given him enough chances. The reality of D often forces the fog to clear .

Do not tell him what you are doing.

Carry a VAR on you, if he threatens you or harrases you lay a charge against him.

Be cool, clear thinking and don't blink .

If he complains repeat that you will not tolerate three people in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

UPDATE : 

If I didn't mention this before, I found out thru VAR that this has been a EA/PA for over a year (I found out the start of trickle truth end of this May)........ He tells her he loves her , they have sex, want to be together, she wants to meet my kids (yuk) etc. (found out all and more than i wanted to know from this one conversation in his car)

STILL: I have tried to get him to snap out of it and not make this mistake. He still wants to "separate" to see if it will work out with her without creating the devastation of D. He actually said that if I really loved him, I would want him to see if he really wants to be with the OW or not and if not, then and only then, would he be able to fully commit to me (if he got her out of his system). After all, he says he always thought about her all these years (oh boy!)...........

So, after some, to my shame, of trying to convince him to make the right choice(ME) and telling him that I am waiting because I feel he is making a mistake and want him to see it before I have to D.

He said he doesnt want me to D, but if I was going to do that, he wants to do mediation instead because the lawyers would try to get as much $ out of this as possible and cause fights etc. I told him I was not going to do mediation, but I would hire my own lawyer and file adultery charges. He was mad.

So latest is that I did file for D Friday and he should be served early -mid this week. I am doing somewhat of a 180, but I still find myself not wanting to make him mad. And since he still does stuff for me/family, I feel like I should do my part (cooking/laundry) although I don't wait on him like I did before. Just do the basics.


One definite change for me this week: I am NOT talking to him at all about us or them. I don't ask where he is and basically just exist in the same house. 

We did go to the same party yesterday (mutual friends-no one knows)... didnt want to but couldnt tell him I wanted to go without him since he was invited too. Felt weird...we didnt interact much, but I had a good time with friends. I know I will have to tell them soon. Just feel like I should tell my kids first before everyone knows, but just cant seem to bring myself to do it...so hard.

I joined an online dating site and am going on a date this week (is this a mistake?) Seems to make me keep my mind on other things and let me deal with this easier, but don't want this to ultimately not be a good thing for me. Is it harmless? Just to get out and occupy myself? 

And other question: Where did you get D papers served. My lawyer suggests going out of house with kids for a day/evening and having him served at home. And not sure what I will come home to when I get home....AWKWARD! Especially with kids in tow that know nothing.

Advise to all my issues.......its coming to a head now.....thanks


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I think dating at this point is a very bad idea, because unless you're sure you want a a divorce, dating would make the picture a lot more complicated, supposing your hubby were to find out that you were on a dating site, he could very well counter sue on the same grounds, supposing you had been on one of these dates and did end up having sex with the man. Lay off the dating till the dust settles.


I think its best if you send the kids away for the day when the papers come home. But I think you should remain behind, you don't want to come back with the kids only to have him blow up in your face and paint a bad picture of you in front of the kids.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> UPDATE :
> 
> If I didn't mention this before, I found out thru VAR that this has been a EA/PA for over a year (I found out the start of trickle truth end of this May)........ He tells her he loves her , they have sex, want to be together, she wants to meet my kids (yuk) etc. (found out all and more than i wanted to know from this one conversation in his car)
> 
> ...




This ^^^^^ is good stuff.
Regarding the dating thing,like the above poster said,it may not be a good idea_ at this time._
Adding too many " variables and unknowns" to an equation make it difficult to solve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others. Dating right now is a VERY bad idea.

You need to get through the emotional turmoil of this relationship before you are ready to date.

Plus, you are filing based on adultry. Your dating is also adultry. You will lose any advantage filing based on adultry would otherwise give you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hold off on dating - it will really complicate things for everyone but most importantly for you and your kids.

Yes you'll have to tell people, but right now have you told his family and hers? 

It sounds like it's time to fully expose their secret.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Last week, I told my sister and brother--thats it on my side...I dont have parents to tell....... 

I told HIS sister who agreed to keep it to herself unless I asked her to confront him (she is on my side on this and i trust her).... his sister feels it is best for him to tell his mother and I will respect her judgement on that.... 

I am trying to contact the OWH but haven't been able to reach him at work yet. I will try again tomorrow. As far as I know he knows, but not sure exactly what he knows yet. 

I will be telling my close friends this week since the serving of the papers will be this week. I just feel I should tell the kids first, but I just am dreading telling the children and don't know how or when to do it. Do I do it with him or without him?....I just don't see the conversation with my WH going well about this....we probably wont agree on the timing or the manner.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Don`t do any dating yet as it will create problems and cloud the moral high ground


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

when you tell someone on his side and his world - don't tell them to keep it quiet. The whole point of exposure is to create an affair and OW hostile environment. 

you want this to blow up in his face.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## aussiechick (Jul 1, 2012)

Oh honey. I feel for you and admire your strength which I'm sure you doubt you have sometime. I have faith you will gain more than you ever thought in every aspect of your life after kicking him to the curb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

7/15 was the last time you posted.... how is everything going?


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I'm sorry to say, I haven't gotten much further. I still haven't served him....I am scared. He seems to have me on a yo-yo bringing back and forth..... I know I have to D him because he is not giving her up....he just stopped contact with her last week for "a while" but that means nothing to me.........the latest he said today was that he wants me to take the quiz at the back of "His Needs Her Needs" book.... and i asked him why...I said was it to judge me and find ways to justify what he is doing by twisting my words OR was it because he was going to leave her forever and try on out marraige....he said "kind of like that".........this is after the night before talking and him saying that he wants to be happy (with her) and he would have left me a long time ago if it werent for the kids.....but to be honest, i think he wants to buy more time...he can't bear the kids finding out or our neighbors/friends............he is like jeckle and hyde and I just cant stand it anymore. Nice and sweet one minute, mean the next. 

He also is telling me that if I have to go thru D, then we should do mediation.......I told him I will not do that and I want to file normally.....I told him that I don't fully trust him especially since he has her on his team.......(he doesnt know that i retained a lawyer and filed already weeks ago)....i am just scared of his wrath once i do it. He gets so mad when we talk about this. I know how this sounds, but I have lived with this and know that he is not a good enemy to have. I am afaid of the fallout when i serve him and if i tell him i already have a lawyer and paid him a lot of money.

So even tho a month or so ago, i would have wanted him to choose me and then fix the marraige, now I really think there is no way I can stay in this. I just can"t DO IT.... I am really having a hard time and I don't know why.

I know I would absolutely tell my friend if she were in this situation to get out now...but it is so different when you are in it. It is really just taking that step. It feels like falling over a cliff to me and I just cant do it. I believe i will soon.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

You can do it. You definitely, absolutely can.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

the scenario you describe is increasingly common because of social media outlets which allow people to reconnect with childhood or adolescent love interests. 

An article you might find interesting...

Lost Love: Guess Who's Back? | Psychology Today


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> the scenario you describe is increasingly common because of social media outlets which allow people to reconnect with childhood or adolescent love interests.
> 
> An article you might find interesting...
> 
> Lost Love: Guess Who's Back? | Psychology Today


:iagree:

Yup. Tell me about it.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

You'll do it when you've had enough, when he's done something that makes it unbearable for you to stay married to him.
Maybe he'll do something stupid like bring the OW around your friends or family or your kids.
Whatever it is, I have a feeling you won't file until he's pushed you over the edge because you're scared to be the first one to file.
It's okay, do it on your time frame, remember, you're stronger than you give yourself credit, he's just a selfish bully who is mad because he can't have his cake & eat it too.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yup. Tell me about it.


That article really brings back bad memories.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Doesn't make me feel any better/stronger thinking they (my WH and OW from the past) will most likely be successful together(according to the article anyway). I am looking forward to their crash and burn. So article really was sucky to read. Hope it is not true.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> Doesn't make me feel any better/stronger thinking they (my WH and OW from the past) will most likely be successful together(according to the article anyway). I am looking forward to their crash and burn. So article really was sucky to read. Hope it is not true.


Hardly anyone is the same person that they were in high school or college. We've all changed thru the years. Their affair fantasy is built on memories of what the other person once was, not who they are today. The reality WILL hit them.

According to Kalish, the country's foremost expert in rekindled romance, lost-and-found romances are surprisingly successful, *as long as both partners are not otherwise attached at the time they reconnect*.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cdm9999 said:


> Doesn't make me feel any better/stronger thinking they (my WH and OW from the past) will most likely be successful together(according to the article anyway). I am looking forward to their crash and burn. So article really was sucky to read. Hope it is not true.


OHhhhh, NO.... 

Don't misunderstand, the dynamic is completely booby trapped when this reunion comes at the expense of marraiges, children, and all the other ugly fallout associated with infidelity.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> OHhhhh, NO....
> 
> Don't misunderstand, the dynamic is completely booby trapped when this reunion comes at the expense of marraiges, children, and all the other ugly fallout associated with infidelity.


:iagree:

Angry betrayed spouses, angry children, angry brothers, sisters, parents, angry friends, etc. All that heartbreak trying to reconnect with the memory of someone from years ago.


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## M2lngha1 (Jul 26, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> I have been married for 20+ years, 4 children (6,12,17,18) and have a good life other than my not so great marraige.
> 
> Short background: H and I never got along great..I know he hasnt always felt totally connected to me in a soul mate kind of way (which is what he wants)...he is somewhat verbally abusive and doesnt treat me the way i want to be treated....although he is a good provider, good father, we have no financial trouble, we have no in-law trouble, no addictions, no sexual trouble, we are attracted physically to each other. and I do love him ....He loves me but not "in love"... for whatever reason, he is not happy with me.
> 
> ...


The real question you need to be asking yourself is, "Can you live with yourself knowing deep down inside that he still clearly has an emotional connection to another person?" You know they've already met up at least once and because they are still in contact with each other you'll always wonder if their relationship slipped into a physical thing. Too many OBVIOUS answers and too many unanswered questions! I had an old girlfriend tell me once to never stay somewhere I'm not wanted! Based on how your husband has acted and is still acting I'd get the impression that you're not wanted that much in his life! I know it's so much easier to say than to do but when you're in a marriage you should NEVER have to be in a position where you're competing with another for the love of your spouse! Shame on him and his selfish ways to even place you in such an awkward and uncomfortable position in the first place. Right now it sounds like you need to do what's best for you.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I agree with jinba. 

You are the backup plan. Do you want to be? Are you okay with him test driving your replacement while you wait? Give him what he wants, a break up. He might come back to you later and you can decide what you want. However, if you let him use you as the back up plan, even if he comes back to you, he won't respect you anymore and you won't respect yourself as much either. If he wants to chase the OW, divorce him. Makes things real pretty quickly.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

The initial post of mine that was reposted by M2Ingha1 (a couple of posts up from here) was written a couple of months ago when I first found out what I thought was only an EA. Since then I know for sure that they have had a PA for a year or two and he has told her he loves her, etc. 

I am in the process of D and am just waiting to make the final push which is the serving of the papers (already filed july 13th, so ready to go). 

He does keep me on a yo-yo that I am trying to break from. Jeckyl and Hyde.... implies he might leave her ,but then won't...etc. I know it is done, just hard to draw the final straw.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

ok..... now I am mad and I think I'm ready to go with the serving. After 2 days ago telling me to do the quiz in His Needs Her Needs book and implying that he might do NC, I called him at work to talk and I asked him why he wanted me to take the quiz. He said we would talk later. Well, I just asked him to talk and he gave the the HAND and said "No. I don't want to talk". So OK, no talking......just action now. Now I'm pissed and feel totally disrespected. 

BTW,,,, the other day i told him that we have to tell the kids and he says he is not telling the kids, so I said that I will then..... do you TAMers think I should tell them on my own at this point> ages 18,17,13,6 (wouldnt involve 6 yr old obviously) I want to start telling my friends/neighbors but feel the kids should know first since it might get around and back to them.... I always felt we should tell them together, but is it OK to tell them myself at this point?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Absolutely tell your children especialy the older ones. As your husband has declined to join you do so on your own, mention to them that he chose not to be present , use the words adultery and affair an name the OW . Do not gloss the truth and be clear the D is due to his affair no other reason .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Cdm

Personally, I think you're handling this remarkably well. I went through something similar a number of years ago. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. 

I think you should consider mediation. I believe with mediation you still each retain a lawyer to provide advice. Ethical lawyers (not always easy to find) will lead you to the same settlement you would get in court anyhow and save the cost of a trial. If you can't arrive at a reasonable settlement through mediation you can go to trial then.

I highly recommend against dating. You're not in a good place to date. It wouldn't be fair to the person you're dating and could very well cloud the divorce process. You're better off having as clear a head as possible as you navigate this minefield called divorce.

I wish you the best.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CDM,

Serve him and let the rest of his family know he has been having a physical affair with his HS GF.

Your husband is a mental midget.

He is so consumed about the OW that you and his kids arebarely on his radar.

All he has been dong for months is replacing you with her.

Stop letting him hurt you. Tell the older kids and be very clear why you are D. 

Tell his family and if you can find the OWH tell him to.

I am not sure if mediation is the best choice but you already have the attorney and filed. 

Now serve him! 

Remember, you deserve better than this.

And your husband is a coward and is still lying to you.

At this time in your life he is not even a man but acting like a boy.....

HM64


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

cdm9999 several years ago I was right where you are now, afraid to do the one thing I knew I needed to do. Once you tell your kids the rest of the process becomes easier. Be honest with them but don't name call...they are old enough to know what is going on but will respect you for not getting nasty. Just state the facts ...they will draw the right conclusion. I told my kids that I would not bad mouth their father but that he hurt me very badly and it didn't take them long to back me up on my decision. 
You say you are afraid of his reaction but in the meantime he is treating you like dirt. Take the plunge, file the papers and ignore his temper tantrum. This is what he obviously wants anyway. 
BYW...you stated that you hoped their relationship isn't successful...I have always found that Karma is a b!tch and she has a nasty bite...


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Hi everyone: Update from last post which was end of july

I finally told him that i went to a lawyer and filed already...he was shocked although he shouldnt have been because I have told him for over 2 months that if he didnt stop seeing her, I would file and go thru a lawyer....wouldnt agree to mediation since he is so much more aggressive than i am plus he has her in his corner.He just never thought i would do it.

Anyway, since then, he has gotten mad that I went to a lawyer instead of mediation. He also (as his second personality) gotten very sad, crying, loving, trying to hug and kiss me. Yet he is still in contact with her....he implied that they are a little on the fritz although I dont know that this is true or not.He does not intend to stop contact tho.

He says she is getting mad at him because he keeps putting me on a pedestal and that he isn't making a full committment to her (i guess that means leaving me completely).

I told him that now he can tell her he is free. He is still all lovey dovey with me and i enjoy the affection , but i told him nothing has changed. He says he loves me, thanks me for being so good to him (cried uncontrollably after he said this), that i deserved better than he gave me....yada yada....

So now I have to serve him with the papers. I told him that i didnt want to blindside him and just have someone serve him at work or surprise him at home...so i said he can either pick them up at my lawyers office or he can tell me a time he is home and i can have them come to the house then....he didnt answer that yet.

I do know he told her of our conversation about me telling him i filed and he told her that he was not happy i went thru a lawyer and they will charge us tens of thousands of dollars by soaking us. I think this would only be the case if he fought me hard.Bothers me that he is talking to her about our conversations but i guess it is expected.

Anyway, still havent told the kids....that will be the hardest part and my oldest goes off to college this friday.... i dont know if better to tell before he goes or after...just not much time left before he goes (he will be living at a local college so not too far away)


What do you make of all this yo-yo ing..... i wonder if he is playing me or he is really torn.....i just cant see how he can be so loving sometimes and still not want to be with me and only me.

Granted at this point I dont think I could take him back because i could never trust him again. I do love him and i ache to be with him physically, as this was always our strong suit. I know it is no good tho....still want your advice on your take of these latest happenings. Thanks.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> Hi everyone: Update from last post which was end of july
> 
> I finally told him that i went to a lawyer and filed already...he was shocked although he shouldnt have been because I have told him for over 2 months that if he didnt stop seeing her, I would file and go thru a lawyer....wouldnt agree to mediation since he is so much more aggressive than i am plus he has her in his corner.He just never thought i would do it.
> 
> ...


Someone needs to tell his skank she has no right getting bent about anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CDM

Glad you filed.you have been left with no choice.

Ditch the little boy. He needs to grow up but sadly he is a grown man.

You deserve better and so do your children.

HM64


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

your husband has the usual buyer's remorse, and is upset that he can't have both his mistress and the security and financials of the marriage like he has been doing. Glad you got a lawyer as it sounds like he would have tried to have steamrolled you into signing an unfair agreement


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm sure he honestly is dithering. He'd like to keep you dangling while he sorts out his relationship with her. That is in no way your problem. Your concern now is yourself and your children. I commend you on having taken a strong stance. It couldn't have been easy. 

As for your son I think you should tell him face to face. I wouldn't bad mouth your husband only tell your son what you know to be fact. Let the boy make up his own mind about his fathers actions. While there may be some challenges in the beginning I think your children will respect your strength once they have the benefit of hindsight.

Good Luck!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> What do you make of all this yo-yo ing..... i wonder if he is playing me or he is really torn.....i just cant see how he can be so loving sometimes and still not want to be with me and only me.


If he were truly torn, he would end it with the OW. He hasn't. He loved having you both fighting over him and now you have made it clear the game is over. 

Good. 

Stop being receptive to his "lovey dovey." He only does that cause you allow it. Tell him "I dont know why you are acting this way when you are having an affair. I won't be in an open marriage anymore. And I don't appeciate you acting one way to my face and your actions saying something else. I deserve better."

OF COURSE he is mad you filed. OF COURSE he wanted mediation! Cause it's all about him and what suits him. F that.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Agreed--he already has all the information he needs to make his "choice."

His actions don't show yo-yoing.

Instead, they are proof positive that he _already_ made his choice--and it is that he wants it _all_.

This is the trap you keep falling into: you think there are two choices--her or you. But the truth is there is a third, and that is called cake-eating. _That_ is his choice, and he's sticking to it. Take it, or leave it.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Thanks everyone... especially the ones who have been "with me" for the last few months trying to help me and even hit me with the 2X4's a few times. And yes, I still have to serve him the papers. I am just trying to keep things as amicable and calm as possible because he is a loose cannon...i think somewhat narcissistic tendancies.
I am still using the VAR in the car to try to find out what he is really up to since I cant take his word as truth.

Some things I find odd:
He says he cant stand the thought of me being with another man. And I respond to that saying that how can he say that when he is sleeping with OW.

We went to a wake for a family member on his side and I was talking to a man my age who is a distant cousin of his who has a wife and 5 kids and he accuses me of being into him and talking to him all animated and stuff and again I was like...are you kidding??

I know he is super attracted to me and especially since I lost 10-15 lbs from all this stress. He can't stop looking at me and he tells me I look good. 

As a sidenote, I have to say I find it very strange that my WH is spending days landscaping the yard/pool..... planting bushes/flowers etc.... can't figure out why he is doing this when he knows I am going for the D. Unless there is an alterior motive i cant figure out.

I am definitely living in la la land right now. Yet I yearn for the man I imagine he could be but never is for more than a little while, but know he really doesnt exist.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> As a sidenote, I have to say I find it very strange that my WH is spending days landscaping the yard/pool..... planting bushes/flowers etc


In his mind he' being a good guy. To ease a little the guilt. That's all. Don't read too much about it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CDM

Let him do all the fixing and landscaping.

Give him a list of whatever else needs to be done.

The house will never look as good.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

OK...the latest!!! I found out that he told her that he took vacation time this labor day weekend (normally he would have been working the whole holiday weekend because he is a cop and that is how his schedule fell). He is planning on making it seen that he is "going to work" as usual but will actually spend the evenings with her (he works evening shift from 3-11pm). 

He told her that on the days he doesnt see her he will just tell me that he is taking a random day off. Can't believe he would think he'd get away with it... I will play this for now like I don't know and then call work and ask for him and they will tell me he's on vacation and that is how he will find out I know. 

I am livid and i will be serving him within next few days. The gloves are off now!! Cheaters = LIAR


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> OK...the latest!!! I found out that he told her that he took vacation time this labor day weekend (normally he would have been working the whole holiday weekend because he is a cop and that is how his schedule fell). He is planning on making it seen that he is "going to work" as usual but will actually spend the evenings with her (he works evening shift from 3-11pm).
> 
> He told her that on the days he doesnt see her he will just tell me that he is taking a random day off. Can't believe he would think he'd get away with it... I will play this for now like I don't know and then call work and ask for him and they will tell me he's on vacation and that is how he will find out I know.
> 
> I am livid and i will be serving him within next few days. The gloves are off now!! Cheaters = LIAR


CDM

You know what you have to do.

These are all games to your H.

For your own well being ditch the loser.

HM64


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> OK...the latest!!! I found out that he told her that he took vacation time this labor day weekend (normally he would have been working the whole holiday weekend because he is a cop and that is how his schedule fell). He is planning on making it seen that he is "going to work" as usual but will actually spend the evenings with her (he works evening shift from 3-11pm).
> 
> He told her that on the days he doesnt see her he will just tell me that he is taking a random day off. Can't believe he would think he'd get away with it... I will play this for now like I don't know and then call work and ask for him and they will tell me he's on vacation and that is how he will find out I know.
> 
> I am livid and i will be serving him within next few days. The gloves are off now!! Cheaters = LIAR


What a douche.

I'd totally just call him out on it. UGH can you make him move out or something? Seriouisly this guy is the worst. The asolute worst. He must think you are so stupid.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

cdm9999 said:


> ok...the latest!!! I found out that he told her that he took vacation time this labor day weekend (normally he would have been working the whole holiday weekend because he is a cop and that is how his schedule fell). He is planning on making it seen that he is "going to work" as usual but will actually spend the evenings with her (he works evening shift from 3-11pm).
> 
> He told her that on the days he doesnt see her he will just tell me that he is taking a random day off. Can't believe he would think he'd get away with it... I will play this for now like i don't know and then call work and ask for him and they will tell me he's on vacation and that is how he will find out i know.
> 
> I am livid and i will be serving him within next few days. The gloves are off now!! Cheaters = liar


 
girl it"s time


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## Triump24 (Sep 21, 2012)

I know I'm a bit late on this message but I hope you did not give him an ultimatum. If your husband would put more of an effort with you and drop the "first love" woman, your marriage would be flourishing right now. Let me tell you, my marriage has been through the ringer. We have delt with infidelity during dating, having a child right out of high school, and even worse issues in our first years of marriage. The one powerful thing we had on our side was God. We are both very spiritual and have strong faith in God. There's a passage, I can't remember where its from but basically its this: "let me not lean on my own understanding, but on you Lord" meaning we can't even comprehend half the things that go on in our lives but if we listen to God and follow Him, he'll put us on the right path. I don't know your full history but I do know that there is a reason that your husband's relationship with the other woman ended. He married you, made a vow and he needs to honor that vow. For a while I thought I was missing out on an old flame from high school, but I realized, there's a reason why it ended. He wasn't my soulmate, no matter how good of a connection we had. It didn't even compare to the relationship I have with my husband. Have you ever read "The Best of Me" by Nicholas Sparks? it kind of reminds me of your story but with some differences. Your story would not end like the book did. You have a family and family comes first before an intruder. Your husband is letting an intruder in, he needs to look at his actions and how its hurting his wife and children. He will lose the best thing that ever happened to him. He will lose respect from his children and legacy that he's been building with them. We live in a fallen world, the devil's playground so to speak. Don't listen to the ultimate manipulator...that's exactly what your husband is doing. The grass isn't greener on the other side. The society we live in disposes marriages like garbage. Marriage is sacred. It is true that some people never should get married in the first place, but that is not true for your marriage. If you are religious, I encourage you to ask your church to host "The Art of Marriage" retreat. its a 2 day session that has changed my outlook on marriage tremendously. 
My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

thank u triump24... I appreciate it and u are lucky that u both are close to God. I am close to God and am a believer but my husband's faith is not so strong at all. He is a twice a year church-goer and although he goes thru the rituals, I feel he isn't living according to God in any real sense. So, appealing to that is not something I can do and his mistress is a total non-believer. Or maybe I should say agnostic if not athiest. 

I tried so hard to get him to see that he is making a mistake and I think he sometimes feels he is. At this point, even if he wanted to come back, i could never trust him. He lied too many times. He doesnt even know the things I know. 

We are looking at the financials and it seems like I would have to sell and leave my home because he couldn't afford to pay me my portion and live himself somewhere else. I am very sad about leaving but it would not be smart to live where I am living now, which is a big house with big taxes and big bills. 

I didnt want this, but now it has to be. Thanks again. It is nice to get things out sometimes. With all that said, I am very optimistic about my future.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CDM

You are going to be fine. You know who you are. So stay grounded and let the ex go off on his journey for his soulmate.

When a spouse cannot see what is right in front of their eyes you realize that you are married to a "blind" person.

Go find someone that will love you and only you.

You deserve better and you will find better.

HM64


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Triump24 said:


> I know I'm a bit late on this message but I hope you did not give him an ultimatum. If your husband would put more of an effort with you and drop the "first love" woman, your marriage would be flourishing right now. Let me tell you, my marriage has been through the ringer. We have delt with infidelity during dating, having a child right out of high school, and even worse issues in our first years of marriage. The one powerful thing we had on our side was God. We are both very spiritual and have strong faith in God. There's a passage, I can't remember where its from but basically its this: "let me not lean on my own understanding, but on you Lord" meaning we can't even comprehend half the things that go on in our lives but if we listen to God and follow Him, he'll put us on the right path. I don't know your full history but I do know that there is a reason that your husband's relationship with the other woman ended. He married you, made a vow and he needs to honor that vow. For a while I thought I was missing out on an old flame from high school, but I realized, there's a reason why it ended. He wasn't my soulmate, no matter how good of a connection we had. It didn't even compare to the relationship I have with my husband. Have you ever read "The Best of Me" by Nicholas Sparks? it kind of reminds me of your story but with some differences. Your story would not end like the book did. You have a family and family comes first before an intruder. Your husband is letting an intruder in, he needs to look at his actions and how its hurting his wife and children. He will lose the best thing that ever happened to him. He will lose respect from his children and legacy that he's been building with them. We live in a fallen world, the devil's playground so to speak. Don't listen to the ultimate manipulator...that's exactly what your husband is doing. The grass isn't greener on the other side. The society we live in disposes marriages like garbage. Marriage is sacred. It is true that some people never should get married in the first place, but that is not true for your marriage. If you are religious, I encourage you to ask your church to host "The Art of Marriage" retreat. its a 2 day session that has changed my outlook on marriage tremendously.
> My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you.


Look, I can understand why you believe marriage is sacred, even a gift from God. I feel the same way. However, when one spouse selfishly pursues someone outside the marriage and, no matter what you do to get them to see the light and come back, they choose the affair partner... the marriage is done. She should not have to sit and wait for him to return from his mistress. SHE has the proper outlook for the marriage...HE does NOT. And, God allowed for the provision for divorce due to marital infidelity. Again, I say, CDM is fine. CDM's husband, however, is not. He is free to make this choice. And she is free to separate herself from him because of it. By all means, pray for her and her family, that they will be healed from his selfishness and that she will find the man God has planned for her... as my mother did after her divorce before she met my dad...as my sister did after her divorce before she met her current husband....as my other sister has done as well. Each divorced due to marital infidelity, and each found the correct mate for them, by praying instead of jumping into the next relationship. 

Anyway, as I said, CDM has the right outlook, the biblical outlook (as a believer). She is doing right, the way she is going forward.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I have a religious question. I am a Christian (Catholic) and it looks like I will have to have a legal separation drawn up instead of a complete divorce. This is because I need to stay on my WH health plan for a while. He gets great health care with his job and he gets it at no cost at all by him. I have some health issues and really need to stay insured. I know they have Cobra for three years after a divorce, but it is very expensive and not as good. I know he would have to pay for it, but really what is taken out of his pocket isn't good for either of us or our kids. Also, with a legal separation we would benefit with taxes also (it would be a $10,000 difference a year in our case). 

So, being that I am concidering this legal separation, how is that looked at from the religious/ Christian point of view. Of cource, if either one of us wants to marry again, we would just fill out the final divorce papers and then it would turn into a divorce.

And when would it be OK to date again in your opinions. I would like to one day marry again and hopefully to a man that treats me well and loves me like I feel I deserve. Thanks.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

cdm9999 said:


> I have a religious question. I am a Christian (Catholic) and it looks like I will have to have a legal separation drawn up instead of a complete divorce. This is because I need to stay on my WH health plan for a while. He gets great health care with his job and he gets it at no cost at all by him. I have some health issues and really need to stay insured. I know they have Cobra for three years after a divorce, but it is very expensive and not as good. I know he would have to pay for it, but really what is taken out of his pocket isn't good for either of us or our kids. Also, with a legal separation we would benefit with taxes also (it would be a $10,000 difference a year in our case).
> 
> So, being that I am concidering this legal separation, how is that looked at from the religious/ Christian point of view. Of cource, if either one of us wants to marry again, we would just fill out the final divorce papers and then it would turn into a divorce.
> 
> And when would it be OK to date again in your opinions. I would like to one day marry again and hopefully to a man that treats me well and loves me like I feel I deserve. Thanks.


Honestly, I am not sure. Both of my sisters went straight to divorce and never had to deal with the COBRA thing. One has medicaid for her kids because her ex-husband gets social security disability. My sister works and has insurance for herself.

As for dating and everything... perhaps talk to your priest about how the Church would see it? I remember my mom said that she was told she had to get an annulment in addition to a divorce (this was nearly 40 years ago though). When she went to fill out the paperwork, she said they asked a LOT of personal questions, which she felt was none of their business. One was "what was your sex life like?".... Yea, she never got an annulment, so she couldn't get married in the Catholic church when she married my dad, and she was unable to partake in communion. Anyway, the dating aspect, you are best off talking to your priest and see where the Church stands on dating when legally separated, as opposed to divorced.


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