# Younger Wife



## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

I'm having issues with my wife. I'm 43 and she is 32, and we have Coe to a crossroaad. She feels i lazy and don't contribute. I've been designing and programming software for 20 years. I've reached axe cuticle levels in my field, and have been quite successful. I have 4 children from 6 to 17 and was a single parent until we were married in December.

I'm not sure if I'm just stuck in my ways, or if she has a valid point. My job is EXTREMELY stressful, and I just want to crash when I get home. She now says I don't contribute.

Is any of this a sign of our age difference? Or could I just be lazy like she says. It's a stalemate right now and she's already brought divorce and separation into conversation. Is that age? I hadn't thought of those as options.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife work outside the home? 

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend doing things together that you both enjoy, just the two of you?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

As someone who has worked jobs with long and deeply stressful hours, I think 43 is too young to not have some energy left in the tank at the end of the day.

Think of a few small things the two of you can do together at night. For example, go for a walk. Even when tired a walk can make you feel much better. 

She also seems to be in need of some serious attention and I'm guessing she isn't getting that either. She needs 15 minutes of UNDIVIDED attention- no kids, TV... just you taking an interest in her each and every day, each and every day, each and every day, each and every day... Get it?

So, yeah, you may have lazy a$$ syndrome.


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## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

My wife works 40 hours per week. She works 9-5 
each day. I work anywhere from 8-10 hours on average.

Unfortunately, with our kids schedule we get virtually no time together! By the time the kids are settled its 10pm and we are both exhausted. And now neither of us feel the other wants to hang out at that time.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Dave69s said:


> Unfortunately, with our kids schedule we get virtually no time together!


Baloney.

Make time or forget the marriage. 

I'm serious. The two of you must have daily time together. It has to be your #1 priority.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are your children with you all the time or do they visit with their mother as well.

All of the children are yours and not your wife's children, right?

How many hours a week did you spend alone with you wife before you married her?

How long did the two of you date before getting married?


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Wait. How did you have time to meet, date, fall in love and get married just this past December, but now you barely spend time alone together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

I left a critical element out. I'm bipolar , but well medicated. This is generally a rough time of year for me with that. She doesn't seem to want Togo through this with me each year. I get a bit cranky and withdraw.

I genuinely feel bad, but don't know what to do.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ginger-snap said:


> Wait. How did you have time to meet, date, fall in love and get married just this past December, but now you barely spend time alone together?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I'm talking about. It has ceased to be a priority.

Lazy.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Dave69s said:


> I left a critical element out. I'm bipolar, but well medicated.


So?

Sorry, no excuses allowed. It's a marriage.


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## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

We have 3 of mine and 1 of hers. The weeks I didn't have my kids I would spend with her, neglecting my house. I just wanted every minute to be together. We've been together 2.5 years, and she moved in late November. She knew I neglected the house, but now it is a big problem. There is so much to do.

I really seeing the pattern from everyone and I do appreciate it! 

As I think i mentioned,my concern is whether the age difference could be a big part of the problem. I've experienced a lot that she hasn't, which sometimes I feel allows me to weigh issues that matter long term, vs those that don't. Like the real impact of ending a marriage. I was married for 12 years, she was never married, and had a horrible relationship with the daughters dad.

I just feel like I went from hero to zero overnight and it's so hard!


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## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

EleGirl ... I appreciate you drilling down a little further with your questions.

And, I really do appreciate all the feedback!


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't think your age difference has anything to do with it. It's not like you're twice her age. You may like to crash after work but you live there too and should help keep up the house. Do housework together as a team. Goes faster and you are working together to accomplish a common goal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

Very true gingerSnap!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are tired it's not just your age. At your age I worked as many hours are you are or more. And had the energy after work to do things. 42 is really pretty young.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy. This is to maintain the passion/love in your marriage.

On top of that you should be sharing the household, yard, shopping, cooking, childcare chores 50/50 with your wife. You both work. Three of the children are also yours. It's not fair for you to put the responsibility of caring for your children on your wife.

I think that the two of you would benefit from the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It can help you two negotiate what each of you needs. It also discusses the idea of spending time together.

Generally couples spend 1-2 hours a night together after the children are sleep. Then they have one or two dates together on the weekend. The dates don't have to be big things.. even taking a walk together works. Or taking dance classes, scuba diving classes, etc. find something that you both enjoy.

Young children should have an early bed time, like 7/8 pm. Your older children.. like the 17 year old can is old enough to get him/her self to bed on time and leave the two of you alone.

There are some things you can both do. 

You don't have your children all the time, right? So why aren't you doing more with your wife when you don't have your children?

You can hire someone to do most of the household and yard chores. That way you both have less pressure. You can find someone to watch your children once or twice a week so that the two of you can do things together.

You can even have in-house dates where you have wine, desert and just snuggle and talk. You can give each other foot massages, back massages, etc while you talk. Surely this is something that a tired old 42 yr old can handle.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

10 years difference in age is not that great. You two are at the same stages in life. So you can't blame it on age. The only thing left to consider is laziness. I will leave that to your judgement. I don't have enough info.

Get a medical check up and your testosterone level checked. Do you exercise and eat well? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

How is your health? Are you overweight? Do you exercise? Get a health checkup.


Hire a housekeeper. Saves the hassle and stress of keeping the house clean.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I doubt it is the age difference. I am 28 years older than my wife and we don't have the issues you describe. 
Sounds more like a possible combination of your job, your personality, your wife's personality, and routines and habits you both may have brought into the marriage.


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## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you are tired it's not just your age. At your age I worked as many hours are you are or more. And had the energy after work to do things. 42 is really pretty young.
> 
> A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy. This is to maintain the passion/love in your marriage.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

Guess I failed to mention that while dating I was in financially good shape, but soon after we married my financial situation deteriorated. I feel horrible. As if misled her, and she's even mention that I was not completely up front. But the financial issues were completely unexpected so there was nothing to share. I was up front about income vs expenses. I feel like I've let her down, and that makes it hard when I know she feels like I was hiding something.

I guess that's off topic though, and has nothing to do with age. More of just the stress additions.

I need to suck it up and do everything I can for the marriage.

Thanks again for all your advice and feedback and for listening to my problems and even some complaints!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm 39 and my hb is 57 and we don't have these issues. We both work and we both take care of the house. Whenever you lay around doing nothing you dump everything on her. If you're that tired please go back to the doctor. I wouldn't live with what's going on there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Dave

You need to work on communication with your wife, not just the marriage.

It sounds like she is having buyers remorse.

Both of you need to lay it all out in the open, all the issues, decide how to address them so both of you are happy.

Also ask her if she still wants this marriage to work out.

It takes two to have a happy marriage not one.

Communicate this and express your desire to solve these issues together and have an awesome life together.

The key is to have common goals that you both share.

Not to throw separation or divorce in anyone's face when times get tough.

HM64


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

You are 43 and have been working in a cubicle (sitting on your rear end) for 20 years. Come home and sit on the couch. My guess is (even if you are "skinny") that you are out of shape. You have poor wind and stamina. 

She's 32. I don't know what kind of shape she is in, but my guess is that at 32 she still has much more natural energy.

That's the "age difference" you should be looking at. Not your chronological ages, but the difference in your energy.

I suggest you get one of the P90X type DVD series and start doing it together with your wife. You'll get in better shape, you'll be doing something with your wife, and as an added bonus it will do wonders to help relieve your stress levels.

And don't say "we don't have time to do this." Get up early if you have to. Make time.

What are all 4 kids ages (you just said 6-17)? That's old enough that (1) you don't have to babysit them every minute when you get home and (2) the older kids can help with the younger kids (the older kids may not like this, but tough; that's the way it has been done for centuries).

James Dobson advised that if you wanted to have a healthy family to raise and support children, you needed to set your priorities in this order:

God
Your spouse
Your children
Everyone else

Religion aside, you'll notice that the relationship with your spouse comes before your relationship with your children. That's because if the relationship between the husband and wife is bad, then it's impossible to have a solid family environment to support the children.

Do both you and your wife place your relationship with each other over the needs of your children? Do you both place the needs of each other over your children's needs? My guess is one (or both) of you don't, and that contributes to your marriage problems.



> Unfortunately, with our kids schedule we get virtually no time together! By the time the kids are settled its 10pm and we are both exhausted. And now neither of us feel the other wants to hang out at that time.


Then get them settled earlier. The older ones are old enough to get themselves "settled" and in bed. The younger ones probably shouldn't be staying up till 10 anyway.

You should probably be setting a goal for you and your wife to be going to bed earlier anyway. It may sound strange to say "we go to bed at 9," but you aren't saying you are going to sleep at 9. What you are doing is ensuring you and your wife have some private time with each other that starts at 9 each night (and that everyone in the house knows it). 

For years we went to bed at the normal time (the time that allowed us to get 7 hours of sleep before we needed to get up), but that meant if we had any time to ourselves (even if we were just talking) we were cutting into your sleep time. And, it became a choice of spending private time together or getting enough sleep.

Just go to be earlier.



> As I think i mentioned,my concern is whether the age difference could be a big part of the problem. I've experienced a lot that she hasn't, which sometimes I feel allows me to weigh issues that matter long term, vs those that don't.


The only problem with your age difference is you are old enough to have gotten set in your ways, and she isn't.

Every time I read you talking about age difference, what I'm hearing is that you are resisting change.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm wondering how many more critical elements you're leaving out.


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## Dave69s (Jun 1, 2013)

Mavash ... I'm not sure if you are implying that I am intentionally leaving details out. Please remember that I came here seeking advice and have been thanking everyone for their input. 

As questions are asked, it reminds me of things that might be helpful to say.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

First it was you are lazy possibly due to age difference. Then you mention casually you are bipolar. Then a few posts later you mention your financial situation took a hit.

Right off I think this isn't what she signed up for or maybe she chose to turn a blind eye to it I don't know. She probably thought you had more energy, was more fun, less stressed, didn't know the severity of your rough months, and thought the money was secure.

I'm not sure whether she's a fair weathered wife or if your changes since marriage are significant.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm also going to mention that the comment about you being older and magically knowing what's important reeks of condescension and suggests you don't really view your wife as a partner. If my hb EVER spoke to me like that there would be h#ll to pay. She's an adult too with her own equally valid thoughts and feelings, and if you really think your age makes your opinions superior then go find someone your age. The irony is that someone your age would probably put up with less than your wife does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You aren't contributing. 

The reason I can state that with such confidence is because that is how she feels, and you offered all these different rationalizations for invalidating her feelings.

Like she's so young.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

She's 32 not 20. She's hardly a child-bride. 

It sounds like you think it's a handy excuse that lets you off the hook.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

It honestly to me sounds like it could be the age. However I do have some questions though and forgive me if they are to personal.

How long did you two date before you got married?

Did she know you were honestly like this through and through before you two said I do?

If she did, then I think she honestly should not expect things to be different after the fact. Now if she did not, then she may be regretting getting married. 

Do you two ever do anything together without the kids during the week? 

Do you try to at least show her that you are trying?

I am not just talking about sex in the first question. I am also talking about going out and doing things or just sitting down and talking and cuddling with one another. Now on the other question, if all you did like you said was come home and crash, then she may feel neglected. Why don't you try to do something every day to show her how much you care and love about her. Even if it is something small.

I hope this helps you out and wish you all the best.


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