# Lack of respect, for Man of the house?



## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”. 

The other day my power inverter took a dive and I was researching the internet on why and looking for possible fixes. I determined that I needed to buy a new one. My wife immediately stated we should call _____ a Male friend. I asked her why and she said because he is good at fixing things. He is not an electrician by any means. It donned on me right there that she does this all the time. A few weeks ago the dryer stopped working and she immediately stated she should call her brother. I told her that I have not even looked at it yet. I got on the internet got directions on how to take it apart so that I could look at the belt and determined that it was fine. I told her we would have to call a repairman. After getting estimates she still insisted on calling her brother and my male friend to get there advise prior to setting up an appointment.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

WOW, this hits close to home for me as I do this to my H all the time, except my dad is the MAN that I go to when there is a need that H isn't meeting. 

You ought to read my post about Backing down from being Alpha Female - it's in the Ladies' Lounge.

Now we're separated for a bit, and I'm trying to do some soul searching of my own to figure out how to back down and let him be the man of the house, and praying that if I can succeed that things will get better, because this must be 95% of our problem... :/ a sad revelation, but it's better than none at all.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

frustrated, I've been in your situation too. In my case she would always just call her dad who is a handyman. I now realize that "taking care of business" doesn't have to mean doing it all myself, if I were you I'd call upon your BIL or your friend first and get them to take care of the problem (buy them a case of beer) so that all your W knows is that the power inverter and dryer is working because you "took care of it".

Or if she really wants to be the project manager on this let her take care of it and give her the credit - do not criticize at all, just let her run the show, use your energy on something else useful instead!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

How is the friend and brothers records for fixing things. Can they jump right in there and have it up and running. If they can she may suggest them to save time and money. Why wait for a repair guy, and pay him when bro. can fix it sooner, and for free.

My H is the one everyone calls to fix their broke stuff. If my H couldn't fix something I wouldn't loose respect for him.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

The point I'm trying to make is that she immediately calls on other males before allowing her male any input or decision making. In the case of the dryer both of the other males told her that what your husband did was right, but she needed their opinion before she would respect my opinion.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Frustated, I do the same friggin thing.  Im so sorry. 

During the past bits of time Ive had to myself I've done a lot of self-reflecting on the past and my behavior, and on 99% of our problems it comes back to I haven't given him enough credit and not nearly enough respect, and it has caused a great upheaval. The guilt is consuming me like a cruel scavenger.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

frustated said:


> As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.


Maybe she doesn't want you playing with electrical stuff because she isn't convinced you won't kill yourself. Electrics have a habit of biting back unless you know what you're doing.

Respect doesn't come as part of the job. You earn it. Find something you CAN do. Insist YOU do that. Do it right, and know your limitations. She probably won't respect you if you fry yourself, and if you don't fix it right and SHE gets a belt, lack of respect will be the least of your problems!


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

"That was very disrespectful of you to double-check my opinions on this. Why did you do that?"

"I don't like you second-guessing me on home repairs. I'm a capable man."

For starters. Sounds like you are afraid of these mini-conflicts. Don't be. They save much larger conflicts in the future, and the allow her to fine-tune her behavior. If you're afraid a bigger fight will ensue, you should do it anyway and calmly tell her that it is unacceptable to bring up her grievances in the middle of a conversation about one of your grievances. Tell her you need to be heard and resolve this first and then you will get back to her problems. Take some leadership in the conflict resolution. You can find resources for that, too, on the internet.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

frustated said:


> The point I'm trying to make is that she immediately calls on other males before allowing her male any input or decision making. In the case of the dryer both of the other males told her that what your husband did was right, but she needed their opinion before she would respect my opinion.


Oh, that clarifies a bit more your frustration in all this. In my case I was always much too patient for my W so even though I had every intention of fixing things and sometimes was actually able to follow through, eventually things started to pile up, especially after being broken by the pressures of life and a marriage that was going off track. So my track record eventually convinced her to not have any trust in my ability to get things done when they needed to be.

I guess what I was alluding to is that if she is going to call in other males anyway, maybe you should just go ahead and call them first before she does?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

frustated said:


> As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.
> 
> The other day my power inverter took a dive and I was researching the internet on why and looking for possible fixes. I determined that I needed to buy a new one. My wife immediately stated we should call _____ a Male friend. I asked her why and she said because he is good at fixing things. He is not an electrician by any means. It donned on me right there that she does this all the time. A few weeks ago the dryer stopped working and she immediately stated she should call her brother. I told her that I have not even looked at it yet. I got on the internet got directions on how to take it apart so that I could look at the belt and determined that it was fine. I told her we would have to call a repairman. After getting estimates she still insisted on calling her brother and my male friend to get there advise prior to setting up an appointment.


I think if you respect yourself, it will follow that others will respect you as well. Part of getting this self-respect is by the creation of healthy personal boundaries and then learning how to defend those boundaries.

For boundaries take a look at Finding Your N.U.T.S.. In essence, once you know which personal boundaries you will never compromise then you will know who you are at your very core. You will know what it is you value about yourself.

And now we need to know how we defend our values. One of your values has been “trashed” by your wife. You place a value on the fact that you can fix things, your wife has trashed that and subsequently hurt your ego, saying that she has no respect for you.

But how do you respond? How do you defend your ego? Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/28845-defence-mechanisms-manning-up.html. You will see that you have at least 15 ways of defending your ego, of defending your personal boundaries. These vary from primitive to mature defence mechanisms, obviously it’s best to be practicing and working at the mature end of the spectrum.

I actually like humour (13: Sublimation) as a defence mechanism. So in this instance “Hey next time I want to take a leak I’ll call Fred and ask him how to do it” might work.

But how do we know when a personal boundary has been breached? This is when we’ve let a person “get inside us” or “under our skin”. And we know that’s happened when we’re having an emotional response. Typically it’s anger, and anger can rise exceedingly quickly in a man. So next time you feel your anger rising you will know that a personal boundary has been breached. And when you feel that anger the very first thing to do is to put a smile on your face and try and create a humorous response.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I think if you respect yourself, it will follow that others will respect you as well. Part of getting this self-respect is by the creation of healthy personal boundaries and then learning how to defend those boundaries.
> 
> For boundaries take a look at Finding Your N.U.T.S.. In essence, once you know which personal boundaries you will never compromise then you will know who you are at your very core. You will know what it is you value about yourself.
> 
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Alternatively you could of course always put a devious smile on your face, play the big bad monster, get her to run away from you and when she lets you catch her put her over your knee, give her a slap on the bum and tell her to get on with her girlie things. That’s my favourite.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hire a cook and a housekeeper to get that job done right. Better yet, call a real woman, her mom.


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hire a cook and a housekeeper to get that job done right. Better yet, call a real woman, her mom.


LOL,You kill me with some of your replys. 

It has some truth though, fight fire with fire. Explain to her how it makes you feel then turn the tables and show her first hand.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Runs what can I say that has not already been said. A simple thanks will do for now; some of your comments are priceless. 

I think women don't realize what they are doing when they don't step back and let the man of the house handle fixing stuff. Men seem to get an almost primal satisfaction from fixing things or determining when to call in a professional. We women don't want them to fix us so they have to put their fix-it energy somewhere. 

My FIL was a construction worker and my husband is a frustrated construction worker. I really suffer in silence when he takes on a project. I know he can do it and more expertly than a hired hand but I am afraid he will get injured because he does not do those things frequently enough. I don't say a word, just pray silently. if I said anything I think I would sound like his mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Better yet, call a real woman, her mom.


Your wit is brilliant.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ManDup said:


> "I don't like you second-guessing me on home repairs. I'm a capable man."


I have heard words similar to this once before. It worked. I was taken aback when he'd said it. I apologized because I didn't realize I was making him feel that way. 

My H and I tend to be self-sufficient without involving others but this was a fairly important matter. In my wanting to make sure we were covered/getting it right, I overlooked the amount of research he'd done and his savvy with the scenario. There's nothing wrong with asking for help when needed but if you want her to realize how it makes you feel - that type of sentence from ManDup is direct and sure to impact. There is a chance she could turn petty with it and try to start an argument but if you remain calm and keep your ego in check, it doesn't need to escalate.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

frustated said:


> As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.
> 
> The other day my power inverter took a dive and I was researching the internet on why and looking for possible fixes. I determined that I needed to buy a new one. My wife immediately stated we should call _____ a Male friend. I asked her why and she said because he is good at fixing things. He is not an electrician by any means. It donned on me right there that she does this all the time. A few weeks ago the dryer stopped working and she immediately stated she should call her brother. I told her that I have not even looked at it yet. I got on the internet got directions on how to take it apart so that I could look at the belt and determined that it was fine. I told her we would have to call a repairman. After getting estimates she still insisted on calling her brother and my male friend to get there advise prior to setting up an appointment.


Yeah, my wife believes the guy with no teeth at the garage over me regarding the condition and maintenance needs of her car. She designated him "professional" to my whatever status and his word rules. She wants to believe him over me so badly that she's completely oblivious to his trying to rip her off. So I took off her front rotors and had them turned, which made the pedal action a little smoother, and I replaced the transmission fluid even though the filler cap said no replacement is needed for this vehicle. And what did I get for this? Nothing but bad treatment. So this was probably the last thing I do for her for a while


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, my question would be have you actually earned any respect for your previous 'fix it' capabilities?

For example, I have a good friend who has kind of a "bumbling" husband. He insists on trying to take care of everything related to the house or cars, even if he is not capable of it. As a result, they have a bathroom that has been torn apart and not put back together for over two years, and various other projects that are in various states of completion. My friend is pretty resentful and has little respect for him or his capabilities because of this. That is not the way to earn respect as the man of the house.

The man of the house needs to calmly and confidently take control of the situation (even if that means knowing when to call a repairman instead of doing it yourself). It is a great feeling when a wife knows that she can count on her man to be responsible enough to handle these kinds of situations - and there's nothing more attractive than that.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hire a cook and a housekeeper to get that job done right. Better yet, call a real woman, her mom.


While she's home, don't ask her how to cook something (popcorn in the stove in a pot) call her mom and ask when you know darn well your wife knows how to. My H did this to me and it shut me up real quick.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I sometimes find myself as the one guys call for a little guidance on repairs. I'm not an expert, just a tad obsessed about all things mechanical and structural. Thing is, I'm quick to ask for advice on a new project. I do understand your frustration with your wife, though. Fortunately, my FIL had no idea what went on behind the covers of his appliances, or within his car, so my wife had no comparison.

There is an element of this that all of us have to be careful about, though. I was helping my neighbor with changing the rotted floor of his bathroom, which was damaged from years of leaky pipes, and even though he asked me to help (I've remodelled two homes), he was so intimidated by my presence that his wife began to question him even more.

The others have given great advice on how to talk to her about this, in my opinion, but be careful to accept that earning her confidence takes time. Knowing when to say Uncle can make her respect you more, also.

I think it is far more likely that she has no idea that this is hurtful. Early in my marriage, when I let her know that repairmen weren't needed in each and every situation, and that her questioning damaged my calm, you could've heard a pin drop. She had no idea. Just like I had no idea that she didn't want an honest answer when she asked me if it bothered me if she talked while I drank my morning coffee.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

frustated said:


> As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.


Your marriage and sex life is lacking, not because your wife doesnt see you as a man, but but because you do not see yourself as a man.

That is step 1.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> As I continue soul searching the many reasons why my marriage and sex life is lacking, I just realized that my wife may not respect me as a “Man”.
> 
> The other day my power inverter took a dive and I was researching the internet on why and looking for possible fixes. I determined that I needed to buy a new one. My wife immediately stated we should call _____ a Male friend. I asked her why and she said because he is good at fixing things. He is not an electrician by any means. It donned on me right there that she does this all the time. A few weeks ago the dryer stopped working and she immediately stated she should call her brother. I told her that I have not even looked at it yet. I got on the internet got directions on how to take it apart so that I could look at the belt and determined that it was fine. I told her we would have to call a repairman. After getting estimates she still insisted on calling her brother and my male friend to get there advise prior to setting up an appointment.


Why were you asking her? Just handle it. If she wants to be disrespectful and call other people then let her do it. Do not acknowledge it. Just tell her it is handled. You call the repair man. You take care of it. Do not allow her to bring in someone else. Do not play along with it at all. 

This is probably a sh!t test. 

And you are right. This is a respect issue. Personally I would be direct and firm with my wife and with a smile, turn to her and tell her that I feel she is being disrespectful and I will handle this. That I don't appreciate her calling in another male ( yes I would say male to her, to make my point ) to deal with this. If and when I needed help I would most certainly ask for it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ManDup said:


> "That was very disrespectful of you to double-check my opinions on this. Why did you do that?"
> 
> "I don't like you second-guessing me on home repairs. I'm a capable man."
> 
> For starters. Sounds like you are afraid of these mini-conflicts. Don't be. They save much larger conflicts in the future, and the allow her to fine-tune her behavior. If you're afraid a bigger fight will ensue, you should do it anyway and calmly tell her that it is unacceptable to bring up her grievances in the middle of a conversation about one of your grievances. Tell her you need to be heard and resolve this first and then you will get back to her problems. Take some leadership in the conflict resolution. You can find resources for that, too, on the internet.


:iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

runs like dog said:


> hire a cook and a housekeeper to get that job done right. Better yet, call a real woman, her mom.


sweet!!!


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Well, my question would be have you actually earned any respect for your previous 'fix it' capabilities?
> 
> For example, I have a good friend who has kind of a "bumbling" husband. He insists on trying to take care of everything related to the house or cars, even if he is not capable of it. As a result, they have a bathroom that has been torn apart and not put back together for over two years, and various other projects that are in various states of completion. My friend is pretty resentful and has little respect for him or his capabilities because of this. That is not the way to earn respect as the man of the house.
> 
> The man of the house needs to calmly and confidently take control of the situation (even if that means knowing when to call a repairman instead of doing it yourself). It is a great feeling when a wife knows that she can count on her man to be responsible enough to handle these kinds of situations - and there's nothing more attractive than that.


Absolutely right. Even in the rare case that I bumble (like the other day, a major one, I drilled into the gas line thinking it was a stud behind the wall - hey that's what the studfinder said  ), I calmly call in the professionals when it's over my head. Leaving things undone is a cardinal sin of diy'ers.


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