# lost...



## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

please help me I don't know what to do. my husband and i will be married 3 years this june 6th and he can be amazing and so sweet. But he is also abusive... I've tried therapy ive called the police, ive talked to friends and family Ive even left him in the past. 
We have a 8 month old and he is my life. I don't want him without a dad but i also don't want this for him either. I have bruises on my body and I am tired of this...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

My advice.... Stop going back to this abusive man. There are plenty of other men out there who will be a better example for your child, who will treat you right, and who would be better husband material. You do NOT have to keep going back to this man because of the child.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

I don't feel like any guy would take me. my husband has torn me down for so long honestly I don't feel good enough or I can take it on my own. I don't drive so i feel stuck here.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

You can find shelters to go to,,,, is endangering your child worth staying....????


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I understand.. and yes it's hard to overcome that worthless feeling... but as hard as it is to believe.. there are plenty of men who will take you and who will treat you better. You do have a choice .. so don't let this guy fool you into thinking you don't. I understand the driving thing lol... but is there a way you can get a ride away from there?


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

not at all!!  Just never thought i'd be the girl that ended up like this...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> You can find shelters to go to,,,, is endangering your child worth staying....????


There are shelters out there that will protect you and your child from this man.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

yes there is always a way for me to go... i just hate bothering people.. also.. i am embarrassed by it too. i want people to think we are a great couple and not know what is really going on.. thats why I came here...


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm sure if you have bruises and marks and you call police,, they will at least take you somewhere safe... You can call abuse hotlines and get someone to help you and your child.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lorah said:


> not at all!!  Just never thought i'd be the girl that ended up like this...


Nobody does but the fact is you did. 

Leaving is your only option. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

honestly.. im scared too lol :S


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lorah said:


> yes there is always a way for me to go... i just hate bothering people.. also.. i am embarrassed by it too. i want people to think we are a great couple and not know what is really going on.. thats why I came here...


Don't be embarrassed.. no couple is perfect and everyone has their ups and downs.. but don't stay with this guy and fake that every things alright. You won't be bothering anyone by getting out of a bad situation.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

I know your right... i hate that lol 
I guess i am just waiting for things to be like how they used to be.. they got worse when Seth ( our son) came.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm married to a cop and trust me they see this ALL THE TIME unfortunately. They truly want to help. My husband has taken many a battered women to a shelter or a hotel. It's so sad.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Unfortunately.. things will more then likely never get better.. so your best bet is to leave.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lorah said:


> I guess i am just waiting for things to be like how they used to be.. they got worse when Seth ( our son) came.


This is called wishful thinking. It's a nice fantasy but not very realistic. Once an abuser always an abuser. They rarely change.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

I guess i watched one to many disney movies when i was a kid... i was hoping for a perfect marriage and then this happened. All he does is run off on us too. he will hit me and run away...


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

lorah said:


> I guess i watched one to many disney movies when i was a kid... i was hoping for a perfect marriage and then this happened. All he does is run off on us too. he will hit me and run away...



How old are you,, if you don't mind me asking??


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Were you abused as a child? I find that things like this usually run in families. And that would explain why you lost yourself in a Disney movie and thought some guy would save you. But he only made it worse didn't he?


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

you are right. 
Im 27 and my husband is 23. I wasn't abused believe it or not, but i was always picking the abusive boys for a relationship. my mom and dad are married but my dad was never around always working or on the computer i guess i was just looking for a man to take over what my dad never was.. weird enough...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What was your mom doing while raising a kid essentially on her own?

There's a reason you keep picking abusive men and it's rooted in your childhood. I did it too which is why I'm familiar.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

raising two older brothers being a stay at home mom.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How did your mom and brothers treat you?

I'm asking all this because if you don't see the pattern you will do this again. Leaving won't be enough.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

if you've left him already then you know how it is without him... is it better? i've been separated and it sucks. i know how hard it is to leave. we cant tell you how much abuse is too much for you.. but you know your own boundaries. 

i dont know how valuable the father/son relationship can be if the son is always seeing the father being abusive.. my guess is not very. you cant change him... and maybe the space will be better/safer for you and your son. 

all the best


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

Im at the breaking point now.. i feel my brain snapping... :S 
ive left him a lot.. but then i miss him and go back almost right away.. the longest i have left him was 3 days.. :S 
my mom was great.. but very controlling! one of my brothers was horrible to me and the oldest was awesome, a great brother


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

So you married a controlling man who treats you horribly. It's familiar and getting away means discomfort so you run back. This feels safe to you even though it isn't. 

What is it exactly that you miss when you leave?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Sounds like you need to get out and attend counseling... get a restraining order on him,,

If not thinking of yourself,, is this how you want your son to grow up and treat the women in his life...??


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You ever seen the movie... enough? Don't let it get that bad... you should leave and stay gone.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Sounds like you need to get out and attend counseling... get a restraining order on him,,
> 
> If not thinking of yourself,, is this how you want your son to grow up and treat the women in his life...??


I agree with the above... that and one of these days he could turn on your child... He just may end up leaving bruises on your child... you don't want that do you?


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

Enough is my favorite movie! lol :s and I DO NOT want seth to treat woman that way at all! i want him to be a great man.. 
When I leave him I miss just having him around, his voice and his laugh, he really can be a wonderful guy he can be the best husband anyone would ever have for at least 3 to 5 months.. then like clockwork he goes back to this horrible person... like he is two people all together


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Gaia said:


> You ever seen the movie... enough? Don't let it get that bad... you should leave and stay gone.


It's not so simple for her. Leaving is like jumping off the titanic feeling like whats the point? She won't make it either way.

Abusers gain control over women like this and convince them they are worthless without them. They get them to believe they will literally die if they leave. We know it's not true but it likely feels that way to her.

She sees lose/lose no matter what she does. Our job is to convince her of win/win type thinking. This man has got a serious hold on her.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It's not so simple for her. Leaving is like jumping off the titanic feeling like whats the point? She won't make it either way.
> 
> Abusers gain control over women like this and convince them they are worthless without them. They get them to believe they will literally die if they leave. We know it's not true but it likely feels that way to her.
> 
> She sees lose/lose no matter what she does. Our job is to convince her of win/win type thinking. This man has got a serious hold on her.


holy spot on! 
yes! I really feel trapped. I made a life with this guy, we bought a house, have a baby. if he was my boyfriend and we didn't have a baby.. might be easier to walk away.. but now.. I am really stuck... Im out of ideas and i feel like snapping


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You're kind of like an addict you can't get enough so you go back. Logically you know he's bad for you but you can't stop yourself. The good times (in your mind) are worth it you tell yourself. He'll change this time you're convinced. He promised right?

But deep down inside you know the truth. And when you are ready you will face it and not a minute sooner.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

wow you are good lol
but yes in all honesty we have been together for 7 years that include dating and I've known him since he was 15 .. lots of memories. When he tells me he is sorry he will cry and seem to real to me. I say ok and I move on. I dont want him to hurt seth.. i dont care about me.. but seth is important


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It's not so simple for her. Leaving is like jumping off the titanic feeling like whats the point? She won't make it either way.
> 
> Abusers gain control over women like this and convince them they are worthless without them. They get them to believe they will literally die if they leave. We know it's not true but it likely feels that way to her.
> 
> She sees lose/lose no matter what she does. Our job is to convince her of win/win type thinking. This man has got a serious hold on her.


I know it's not that simple and i know it seems that way. I just want to help encourage her find the strength in herself to leave. Staying gone is hard.. i know and yes there are things that will make this guy not seem that bad... but truth be told.. she does deserve better and i would like to encourage her to not FORGET all the wrong he has ever done. That smile, that laugh, those few nice moments may seem great... but don't let it erase the many more bad times. Just because he smiles, laughs, ect does not make him a nice or great man. I was once there myself so yes i know how hard it can be. I've even had to experience the stalking after the breakup.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You feel trapped because you're in the muck of it. There are options. They are just hard to see right now.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lorah said:


> i dont care about me


This might be true but how good of a mom can you really be in this situation?

The best gift a man can give his child is to love and cherish his mother.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

it is hard to be upbeat and happy for Seth when all I want to do is cry and give up. I can't clean the house i can't do anything Im so sad but yet i also have to fake it for our baby... i want to be the best mom for him but i can't do this two personality thing I am doing here.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Trust me when I tell you this. It will only get harder when Seth gets older. He will pick up on every mood and it WILL affect him. Faking it only works for so long. If you don't believe me look up what happens to kids who are raised by sad mommies. Seth will have low self esteem because he will assume he's the reason you are sad. He will think he is the cause of the abuse. And in a worst case scenario he will grow up to abuse others because it will be all that he knows. Or he will be abused by others.

Abuse runs rampant in my family so I know what I speak of. Unfortunately.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

you are right...
and i am truly sorry for what you had went threw also... Im with ya though! We gotta stay strong.. even though you feel like giving up... and I do...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh I'm good. I've had a lot of help to heal and it started when I reached out to someone.

I've been away from my abusive family for 13 years. There were times I felt like giving up but I didn't. Even now I stay strong because I've got 3 kids who are counting on me to be there for them. It isn't easy but I do it. Every day I get up and I do whats best for THEM not necessarily what I'd like to do.

Are there days when I'd like to crawl back in bed and give up? Yes absolutely but I don't. The most successful people in the world are those who refused to give up. And that includes being a successful mother. 

How much do you love Seth? Do you love him enough to get out of this situation? Or are you going to choose to stay with this man who can only be nice for just a few months? Is he really worth it?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Take a good look at those bruises you have.. remember every little detail of how they came about... remember the pain and every emotion you felt when receiving them. Then think this... "I don't deserve this... i deserve better. I am a human being and i deserve to be treated as such." Remember this as well the next time you leave and consider going back. Keep those bruises in mind, how it happened, ect. Now in my case... i was just filled with rage and ended up fighting back. Now this isn't the case with most.. i know... and some it's even dangerous.. heck it was dangerous when i did it. At the time.. i didn't have a kid though.. so do whats safest for the both of you.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

Im inspired to be like that!
I want to get there .. i just need a push i guess... or a shove lol :s
it just sucks out ann. is coming up on the 6th and he planed something huge... why does he have to go and ruin it  things could be wonderful if he would just stop.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Take a good look at those bruises you have.. remember every little detail of how they came about... remember the pain and every emotion you felt when receiving them. Then think this... "I don't deserve this... i deserve better. I am a human being and i deserve to be treated as such." Remember this as well the next time you leave and consider going back. Keep those bruises in mind, how it happened, ect. Now in my case... i was just filled with rage and ended up fighting back. Now this isn't the case with most.. i know... and some it's even dangerous.. heck it was dangerous when i did it. At the time.. i didn't have a kid though.. so do whats safest for the both of you.


wow when you said that.. it came back to me... its like i started to forget already... like i am blind or something. He pushed me into the table and i fell .. and he was holding seth while doing it... wow... I needed that just now... 
but i dont know how to leave..


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Has he even acknowledge when he's wrong? It's unlikely he will stop as most who are like him ... never do.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

Yes he has.. but not until waaaaay after the damage is done.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

When I lived with an abusive boyfriend (no kids) I called the police and had him arrested. Somewhere deep down inside I knew I deserved better than this so I left. It wasn't easy because in my case it meant moving back home with my abusive parents. Sigh oh yeah that sucked. I lived there for 6 weeks until I could get a job and move out yet again.

BTW I went on to graduate college and become a CPA. I believe you truly can do anything if you want it bad enough. Never said it would be easy my life certainly wasn't. I just kept going foward. One step at a time starting with daring to believe I was worth more.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lorah said:


> things could be wonderful if he would just stop.


More wishful thinking.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

good for you!!  
i had got him arrested too a while back and i felt so guilty... all i did was say how sorry i was afterwards


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lorah said:


> i had got him arrested too a while back and i felt so guilty... all i did was say how sorry i was afterwards


Where does this guilt come from? Why were you sorry?

Until you can wrap your brain around why you do this it will be hard for you to leave. You will almost always take him back not because you want him but because of guilt.

BTW guilt is a learned, worthless emotion. Just sayin.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

In my case... he took a swing at me.. and i just lost it. I turned around and knocked him square in the jaw. It was icy then and of course it unbalanced him and caused him to slip. I then just started kicking the hell outta him with steel toe boots, in his ribs, face, then a few times in the groin. (I was in construction at the time). After that i spit on him(yes i know not honorable but i felt he deserved it) then turned and walked off. I made sure i was with a group of people everywhere i went after that. Of course.. a year later i had left where i was and had been living with my mother for a bit. He had found out where my mother worked, spoke with her, then when he knew i would be alone.. he tried to make his way in the house but.. thankfully at that time I had the most wonderful dog! Granted he was a wolf mix but after he delt with the stalker ex.. the only thing said ex did was call a few times.. but he never came over again after that.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

guilt sucks!z
I felt sorry because .. I don't know.. i love him i guess that's why...
Not sure if I still love him.. I think I do...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I think your biggest problem.. is... your still to emotionally attached to this jackoff. Once you detach yourself from him.. emotionally.. you won't feel guilty and you won't make excuses to justify his behavior.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I had a dog that bit my boyfriend the night I left. Just a sweet little beagle but she got him. 

It was a drunken rage that pushed me over the edge. And you'd think leaving was enough to fix it but nope that was just the start of it. My parents then proceeded to jump my case for being a bad girlfriend. They liked him. Idiots. Truly.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

holy crap!!
Im at that point of attacking him too!! but he is faster and stronger then me.. he has thrown me out of the house and locked me out for a few hours at night before.. so.. no ice for me lol :S 
I cant take it anymore though ..I will snap... Im almost there


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

i very much am attached to him.. like I cant live without him .... i am useless without him...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If you knew what love was you wouldn't be in this situation.

Love isn't always nice or kind. Loving someone means not enabling their bad behavior. Down the road when you discipline Seth will you feel guilty for that too?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lorah said:


> i very much am attached to him.. like I cant live without him .... i am useless without him...


Like a drug I tell ya. Until you break that spell you really are trapped.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

thats a good question.. i dont know.. i hope not... i dont want to be a pushover parent


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lorah said:


> thats a good question.. i dont know.. i hope not... i dont want to be a pushover parent


You are a pushover wife. What makes you think you'll do differently as a mom?

Kids are little guilt inducing machines. If you can't say no to your husband you sure won't be able to say no to Seth either.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lorah said:


> holy crap!!
> Im at that point of attacking him too!! but he is faster and stronger then me.. he has thrown me out of the house and locked me out for a few hours at night before.. so.. no ice for me lol :S
> I cant take it anymore though ..I will snap... Im almost there


This is just a bit of a joke.. so don't take this seriously... and definately don't do it... but im betting.. if you were to come at the door with an axe, start hacking away like a psycho and then just say something like... "Cmon baby... LET ME IN!! I JUST WANNA TALK!!!" Followed by you hacking that axe at the door .. he would prolly change his tune... lmfao.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

On a more serious note... you just need to find and hold on to reasons that will help you detach emotionally from him.. then and only then will it be easier to stand up for yourself and do what you need to do for yourself and your son.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

I am not a pushover wife. sure he gets away with hitting me... but I will yell at him and tell him he is a jerk. I do tell him what is what and i dont handle no bull. But i am still in love with that he once was. I am a redhead.. lol i can fight


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Kids are little guilt inducing machines.


This is sooo true. They have... what my hubby likes to call... "The cuteness factor" on their side.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

Have you tried calling a domestic violence hotline? The workers at call centers like that are really good at listening, helping you create solutions, and giving resources. 

1-800-799-SAFE is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you want more information about local help go here: Help in Your Area « National Domestic Violence Hotline

It's one thing to talk to us on this forum, it's another to talk to a real person who has training in talking and listening to people in domestic violence situations. We don't know where you live or what resources you have in your area but they will.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lorah said:


> I am not a pushover wife. sure he gets away with hitting me.


you just contradicted yourself.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lorah said:


> I am not a pushover wife. sure he gets away with hitting me...


Since he gets away with hitting you.... your still being a pushover. Maybe not completely if your yelling ... but by allowing him to get away with hitting you.. your still keeping that... "Doormat" sign... printed on your forehead.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

seesah said:


> Have you tried calling a domestic violence hotline? The workers at call centers like that are really good at listening, helping you create solutions, and giving resources.
> 
> 1-800-799-SAFE is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you want more information about local help go here: Help in Your Area « National Domestic Violence Hotline
> 
> It's one thing to talk to us on this forum, it's another to talk to a real person who has training in talking and listening to people in domestic violence situations. We don't know where you live or what resources you have in your area but they will.


^^^^ great advice... give it a shot lorah.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lorah said:


> wow when you said that.. it came back to me... its like i started to forget already... like i am blind or something. He pushed me into the table and i fell .. and he was holding seth while doing it... wow... I needed that just now...
> but i dont know how to leave..


If Seth gets hurt during one of these attacked, child protective services can take him away from you. You can lose your child. This is because they feel that you know your husband is abusive but you did not do anything to protect your son from your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not a good idea for you to fight back physcially. If you fight back physcially you become abusive as well and the abuse will escalate. The purpose of abuse is for him to control you. If you fight back, he has to hurt you more to get control over you.

The same goes with verbal fighting back. 

The only way you can stop this and not become part of the problem is for you to leave him. Abusers seldom stop, they escalate and become worse with time.

Please call the domestic violence hot line someone gave above. Find a place near you. Call them. They will arrange a safe house for you. They will have the police come pick you and your child up.

Until you leave your husband, every time he gets abusive call the police. Have him arrested. You do not get him arrested. He and his horrile behavior gets his arrested.

When you leave him, you will feel sick and miss him. Treat it like you have the flu. Get a lot of rest and take very good care of yourself and your baby.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If Seth gets hurt during one of these attacked, child protective services can take him away from you. You can lose your child. This is because they feel that you know your husband is abusive but you did not do anything to protect your son from your husband.


As far as I know, even if Seth does not get physically hurt by her husband, if child protective services finds out that abuse is occurring in the home, they will give her a choice to get out of the situation or lose her child. 

OP, your husband may not be physically abusing Seth but because he's abusing you he is psychologically abusing him. Keep that in mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

seesah said:


> As far as I know, even if Seth does not get physically hurt by her husband, if child protective services finds out that abuse is occurring in the home, they will give her a choice to get out of the situation or lose her child.
> 
> OP, your husband may not be physically abusing Seth but because he's abusing you he is psychologically abusing him. Keep that in mind.


You are right that child protective services could do this.

I was responding to one of the OP's posts about her bing pushed down while whe was holding Seth.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

I will call that hotline today. No Seth does not get hurt but he does see it... so it does affect him.


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

called it.. thank you


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lorah,

You need to seek help to leave this man.

Is there family who can help you? If not, look up shelters in your area. 

No one should ever have to tolerate being used as a punching bag


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## lorah (Jun 3, 2012)

I have a plain now.. if this was to happen again i have a bag of my clothes and my sons and things we need to just go


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