# Need to vent



## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

Hello there. New on here, but have been reading for the past week or so. After almost 17 years together, my wife and I are splitting up. We have 2 great kids, almost 16 and 14. I love my wife dearly, guess she doesn't feel the same. We have never had a normal life together, honestly did not even have a real date until after our first was born. Moved from the city to a very small town in 96 into a house between her parents and grandmother. Her folks and I got along great. My wife has always had issues as well, some physical issues, and she is incredibly stubborn and bullheaded.

I do not get along with her half sister, and I have tried. We have given her a car when she had none, a loan to get her last bf's truck out of repo so he could work, a small tractor and accessories so she could keep her farm looking good, etc. She has always treated me like crap in return, to the point where I would not go to a restaurant with her as she would always try to pick a fight, which I could not win.

About 6 years ago my wifes brother was killed in a car accident, his fault, booze, drugs, etc. For the next 2 years, our life together was on the backburner due to mourning, helping her folks deal with it, and then my wife and her sister concentrating on hating all the people who he visited the night he died. Then, with her son gone, my mother in law left my father in law, which she had wanted to do for at least 20 years, 42 together. So now another 2 years of mourning, helping her dad, and now hating her mom. Relationship between us is now sitting for four years. Another 2 years and it has just gotten worse, my wife does not love me any more. She says I am a bad father, which is at least partly true, I am not the best and I admit it, although I try. I never had a Dad around, and I guess my mom is a cold type of person as well. I love my kids a ton, but I am not their friend really, that is my wifes role and I always get to be the mean parent. At least that is how it seems most days, to me anyways. 

My wife has always been very busy, with work and plays, and the kids activities. We both work in opposite directions, she goes 30 miles north and I go 60 miles south every day. Kids go to school in the town where she works, drive with her each day. I have to work saturdays, and all previous jobs for me have never been monday- friday, 9-5. Between all of the above, we just don't do anything together.

Now my sister in law is leaving her bf and moving next door where the grandmother used to live. She has been here most of the last year, and she won't even talk to me after last summer when my wife and I almost split. We told the kids we were splitting up, and then it seemed like we were able to start talking again and I stayed and we were working on things. Or so I thought, wife informed me 2 days ago that she didn't understand why I stayed and has been waiting for almost a year for me to leave. Needless to say, I was shocked at that, as I thought we were both trying. I knew it wasn't good around Christmas time, but still thought she was at least trying, but she hadn't been all along.

I'm no prize, not really an outgoing guy, have a real hard time with Christmas, etc. Wife says my mother screwed me up, could be. I have always been here for her, never ever even thought of fooling around, tried to be steady for her and the kids, her folks, etc. Don't drink, no drugs, go to work and come back home. I snowmobile on Sundays in the winter, not every week but as much as I can, it is my thing, I absolutely love it. So of course it always gets thrown back in my face that I am always out sledding. 

This is too long now, so what it all comes down to is that I am leaving to live with a coworker for now until we figure things out, my plan is to hope to get back together but live like that is not going to happen. I am completely devastated right now, as well i have been physically sick for about 2 months and the doctors say it is just a cold, which it isn't. So I am down on both fronts right now. 

Thanks for listening.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I have no advice to give you, but I do feel your pain. My H wants to leave, says he doesn't love me anymore, but can't tell me why. Over the last 5 weeks I have lost 12 lbs, can barely eat or sleep. I have found several ebooks and different things on line that might help, but I can't afford to by any of them. Losing the person you had planned on growing old with, regardless of the reasons, is the absolute worst thing ever. 

Have you talked about any kind of counseling, to at least get the issues out in the open? Or is she dead set on ending things? I am sorry for you pain, and hope that no matter what happens you will be able to find some peace.


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

I basically said to me wife that we either have to go to counseling or start spending time together every week, so that we can try to rebuild what we have lost. She said she will never go to counseling, has done that before for other issues, and isn't interested in setting time aside for us. She is very stubborn, as in if it is raining out and I say she should grab an umbrella, she won't just because I said to. Always has been that way, and it has always created problems.

She has always as well had problems telling me what is wrong, I have always had to dig and pry to get anything out of her, so when there is an issue it is never out there, it is always stuffed down inside and has to be dragged out so we can deal with it, which is not easy to do. I am very different, when I am upset it is right there for everyone to see, yet she will never ask what is wrong or try to talk to me about it, just ignores it totally until i approach her with it.

Wrote her a letter last night about how cold she is towards me, I have been really sick lately yet she never asks how I am or offers anything to help, not even a glass of water. I can't understand how she can be like that, as I put in the letter she wouldn't treat a stranger that badly. Was going to email to her work today, but instead sent it to our email and she can read it there in a few days when she checks it. 

So yesterday I opened a new bank account where I will be living, got a credit card coming since I gave mine up a long time ago when we paid it off. Not at work today since my side is killing me, but tomorrow when I'm back will get a cell phone so kids can call me etc. Will get interesting on Thursday, as that is payday, and I think she expects me to just hand over my cheque as always. She said the other day that we should just keep paying bills like always, she controls the money at the moment. I said that I will go over the payments we make for house, car, etc and try to figure it out. I figure half of the food for the kids, and maybe 1/3 of the mortgage since I don't get to live here yet have to pay for my own place now. Anything other than that, we will have to talk about, but I'm not just handing her my cheque. 

The whole situation just sucks. I remember hearing once that you only control about 10% of what happens to you in life, and most of it is how you react to things that happen to you. So I will try my hardest to just get on with it and see what happens, I think that is all I can really do.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I am so sorry you are feeling bad about this, yet I have to wonder why you still love someone who isn't better to you?

Go 50/50 on $$ because of the kids (pay 50% of the mortgage, and she pays 50% too--and she should be paying 50% of your rent as well)--and insist on 50/50 time with them, too. There is absolutely no reason she should have them more than you. Try to find a place near their school/friends, and that will make the transition on them much easier. 

Sounds like you are aware of things you can work on and change, and I bet you will be a much happier person when you come out on the other side of this. Seriously, you deserve better! It will be a difficult time but get the counseling to help you through it and to help you grow. Best of luck!


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

Well, been a few days now and things have changed. Wednesday night was my last ever in my home with my family. My wife still would not talk at all about any of it. My 15 yr old daughter cried for an hour, I stayed with her and talked about it all, tried to explain what I myself don't understand. Made sure that she understood it was both of our faults for getting to this point, which she does. She is mad at her mum for not wanting to try any more. Thursday morning I took off my ring and left it with a note to my wife asking her to give it to my son for now, and that if she ever would like me to that I would be more than happy to put it back on, but that it was a symbol of our love which obviously was not there for her any more. Was probably the wrong thing to do, but I wanted her to understand that while I would go back to her in a heartbeat, that I am willing and capable of getting on with life and won't just sit back and wither away. 

Am now living with a co worker 60 miles away in the town where I work. Yesterday was the first day I didn't have a melt down, today has been up and down but no major meltdown yet. Funny how it can be going fine and then some little thing sets you off all of a sudden. Emotions are all over the place, sad, angry, lost, confused.....lots of fun. I know that I am as much to blame as it takes 2 to tango, but I am having a hard time trying to understand it.

Going home tomorrow, was going to do some work on her car but she got the guys where she works to do it. I know most of them as I worked with them for a while. After doing some reading on here, I think she may be having an EA with here boss, as she talked about him alot and spent alot of time at work with him, and he talked alot about his life and how his wife treated him poorly. Mentioned this to her father before I left, and he said that it had crossed his mind as well, so it could very well be. Since I don't have to work on her car, may take my son out dirt biking if the weather is even half decent. Then will bring my dirt bike to my new house so I can get out with some of the guys and burn off some frustrations. 

Should I even bother to try talking to her, or just act distant, or???? We need to discuss money as well, she wants to borrow $2500 to get herself back to even in the bank acct, just had house insurance and water/sewage bills come in, along with other things.
Any ideas?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Idea:

Pretend you're not you... 
Read your thread and then think about what advice you would give, and then wite it here so we can see what you would think about someone else in this situation.

guessing you would write what i would. 
No not kidding. Think about it. Tell us what you'd say,


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

I would say don't try to really talk to her as she isn't interested, obviously. Just be cool, not emotional. Take care of the business and spend time with your kids, try to make it a good day for them. As for the money, just do what you know is fair to both of you, and the kids. Be a good person, show her that you can get on with your life and that you don't have to be angry with her. 

Of course it is easy to say, but once I see her it will be a lot harder to do. But, I will do it and be pleasant, and try to help figure out the finances. I totally and completely love my wife, but am being forced to move on, so that is what I will do.


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

Well, went home today and worked on my wifes car, and cleaned up the garage a bit. My son helped me out, it was nice to have him there. Then loaded up a bunch of my riding gear and my dirt bike, and then lunch. My son goes in to make some grilled cheese for us, and comes out saying there is no cheese and not much food to eat. My wife says she is going shopping this afternoon. We had talked a little about an hour before and I had reiterated that I would dearly love to get back and try again, but that it was obviously up to her, and that I would just get on with my life until she said different. Anyways, since there is no food she isn't going to eat lunch, so I asked her to come out with my son and I and I would pay for it, not like I have any money either but....
She did finally reluctantly agree, and I, at least, had a real nice time of it. That was probably the first time in a year that we went out for lunch together. My son was happy too.

My sister in law was there today too, but I did not see or talk to her so that was good. I noticed that she had removed her wedding ring and taken the pictures of us together down in our bedroom. I guess that means there is no hope, either way I hope that she finds happiness. I haven't had a meltdown for 2 days now, not sure what that indicates. Actually feeling pretty good about things right now. Sounds like my daughter is having some issues, but she was away on a school trip so I won't see her until this weekend coming up.

Maybe I have mourned our relationship for so long that now it is over, it doesn't really feel that bad? Not really sure......but had a real good day with my boy, that I'm sure of.


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