# Really frightning porn: help



## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

My husband visits sites explicite with rape porn.
What do I do? And what makes him do this? 
As far as I know and I try to keep an eye on it, he never looked at this kind of porn before.
It frightens the hell out of me!!
Please some help
Sofie.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Firstly, I'm not the person to ask about porn because I find it very disrespectful, however I'll comment anyway.

Rape fantasies, are most often just fantasies, and a lot of people like the idea of being over powered or overpowering their SO. That does not mean they really want to rape or be raped. I like my SO to be dominant, and find it a huge turn on if he is a bit aggressive with me. That does not in any way shape or form mean I condone rape or would want someone else to harm me. It is consensual between my SO and I.

So if you were comfortable with it maybe you could indulge in his fantasy with a safe word etc.

However if you really suspect he would like to rape other people, then that is a different story and is very alarming.

Also some of the porn is of women really being raped and I would not be comfortable with that being viewed.


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

I am NOT comfortable with it!

Long ago, long before I met my husband I was victum of rape. He knows that.

I'm not opossed to watching some porn together with him, that's different.

But that he watches this on his own, this violence I do not understand. I am still shaking

Sofie


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

sofie said:


> I am NOT comfortable with it!
> 
> Long ago, long before I met my husband I was victum of rape. He knows that.
> 
> ...


Well I totally understand that. He is being extremely disrespectful to you, and doing something that undermines the trust you have in him. 

I would confront him about it, talk to him about the women in that porn. Porn tends to dehumanise women and somehow makes women into objects, this helps men rationalize the violence they see as just something harmless and just sex. When it is in fact not harmless at all. the women on the screen are real women. Talk to him about having empathy for you and for all women, about how he would feel if he was raped, and you started watching male on male rape porn and it got you sexually excited.

I would suggest counseling for the two of you.

I am very sorry for what happened to you, and I hope your husband can realize the harm he is doing to you.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

sofie said:


> I am NOT comfortable with it!
> 
> Long ago, long before I met my husband I was victum of rape. He knows that.
> 
> ...


I find this to be unacceptable of him to be doing, especially since he knows this. You have every right to be concerned.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

While I don't think that he means anything personally towards you by it, the fact that he knows of your past is quite disrespectful. I agree with the counseling angle: perhaps he can find more "acceptable" alternatives.


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

F-102 said:


> While I don't think that he means anything personally towards you by it, the fact that he knows of your past is quite disrespectful. I agree with the counseling angle: perhaps he can find more "acceptable" alternatives.


We do have counseling.
This porn never came up because he promised not to watch it without me (normal porn that is). I have good reasons to believe that he hardly watched porn over the years on his own.
This popped up about a month ago and went from playboy all up to rape-sex in a matter of weeks.
Actually the issues for what we went into counsel started to improve.

PLEASE:
I need to confront him: but what is the best way????
I need some help here. He is the love of my life, he hurt me but I don't want to anger him or let him feel down and durty.
He has ED, problems, but no lack of willingness from my side, although I don't push it.

Please, please, some input,
thanks, Sofie


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I don't know that there is best way to approach him on the subject, other than to just sit him down and tell him how you feel. In a non threatening and accustory manner of course, that tone never helps anything. I would make sure he understands your concern though.

If he agrees to not watch that kind of porn anymore due to what happened to you, but you find out he still does, then you need to weigh your options here and figure out what is truly important to you. Having someone who respects you or disrespects you, the choice is yours.


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

sofie said:


> We do have counseling.
> This porn never came up because he promised not to watch it without me (normal porn that is). I have good reasons to believe that he hardly watched porn over the years on his own.
> This popped up about a month ago and went from playboy all up to rape-sex in a matter of weeks.
> Actually the issues for what we went into counsel started to improve.
> ...


Couple of things...
First and foremost, I am sorry you went through the horrible experience. 

Second, is it possible that he clicked a link that ended up being rape porn and he maybe watched a video and then went about to other stuff or did he linger and watch video after video?

My wife and I used to watch porn together and often, we would click on links that sent us to sites that had some really nasty stuff that wasn't what we were looking for. There were a few that we actually set up a block for so we wouldn't accidently go there again.

Third, Just because he watched (watches) those videos, doesn't mean that he's a closet rapist or wants to participate in Bondage play. Just like when you both see a red head in porn doesn't mean he wants to have you dye your hair red or get implants etc... 

Lastly, Although this is a very personal, important, and big issue for you, approaching him about it doesn't have to be.
simply let him know that you saw he visited a site about rape porn and it scared you. let him know that you don't want to be scared in your marriage to him and ask him to not go to those site intentionally in the future.

Also... be prepared for the "Why are you checking up on me?" response. Why do you feel the need to do this? Is there something that has happened in the past that makes you feel like you need to check his browser history?


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

anon_4_now said:


> Second, is it possible that he clicked a link that ended up being rape porn and he maybe watched a video and then went about to other stuff or did he linger and watch video after video?
> 
> _No, he watched more and more, not a one time occurence_
> 
> ...


_I would not have checked up on him, although I have access to that computer, if I hadn't had the feeling that something was wrong_

_I feel betrayed by both the broken promise and these violent sites_

_I want some advice how to make this clear to him, without him shutting down or getting angry, please._


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I too was raped many years ago
I told my OH about it, obviously, but it only transpired some years later that what had become an unfortunately skewed view in his mind of my 'part' in 'inviting' the rape was due to misunderstanding some of the detail of what I told him
I mention all this because I wonder:
To what extent have you told him the detail, or haven't you , to what detail was he sympathetic or not, and is there any chance he's doing some kind of weird review of what might have happened to you by viewing this porn?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Depends - could be just a fantasy.

My husband is all over the map.

Teenage girls/boys (of age)
MILFs
Gay men
Bi-sexual men
Lesbians
Men/Women
Transexuals
BDSM

You name it. 

We all have deep fantasies, some of us keep them very deep and some of us bring them out in the light and pursue them, either in person or through the internet.

I have a couple of my own that others may find disturbing - would I act on them - no - but I still fantasize about them and occasionally look them up on the internet.

Looking - I don't think you need to be that worried about.

I'd be worried if he wanted you to start playing the part of a rape victim and things got ugly.

I have felt betrayed, used, ignored, demeaned, unwanted - just about any adjective you could come up with.

He knows and either doesn't care or can't help himself.

Sorry - I know that's not any advice, but it's all I have.

Good luck.


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