# Mid-Life Crisis?????



## lifsuxs (Jul 8, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 28 years when he started stating that I would not let him do anything, like go out or make friends. My husband at this time was 51 years old. He has accomplished a lot through the years while being married to me. A school teacher, then continued school to go into special ed. then again went on later for his school administrative license. He also volunteered in our town's recreational league. He even took up bow hunting. We were separated for 3 months, until he agreed to go to a marriage counselor. My husband returned home and life was starting to look good again.

Around our 30th anniversary, my husband at 53 yrs old, decided we did not need to go to a marriage counselor anymore. I did express my opinion but we ended going to these sessions. At our 33rd anniversary, he became more withdrawn and did not want to do anything. Then he said he wanted to get a divorce. I was devastated. Once again he stated to me that I am controlling and commanding of him. Not being able to go out and not being able to have friends. But this time he could not move out as we had our daughters college expenses and so he stayed in the house but did not sleep with me. During this time I had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. My husband did visit me everyday for two weeks and agreed to go to a marriage counselor or I would not leave the hospital. 
We only went to three sessions when he decided he did not want to go anymore. He promised me that he would give this new marriage counselor a try but to no avail he moved out just before the Christmas holidays.

So now at the age of 55, he went on one of those dating sights and found a girlfriend that he has been with for over 1 year. The settlement papers were not given to me until the beginning of this year. His own credit cards are racked up that I disconnected the land-line phone from constant phone calls by his creditors. Even when helping our kids with their college loans (we're co-signers) he does not help very much. But he is able to go to broadway show, buy jewelry and take a trip to Montreal Canada.

I am devastated, hurt by things that my husband has said I did against him. I thought I knew him but now I have no idea who he is. Last time I saw him was 2 months ago for our son's college graduation. The person I knew does not exist anymore. Our children are older but they hurt too and it burns me that he does not get involved with them as much as he used too. The women is around our age so it's not like he wanted a trophy wife. All I keep saying to myself is what the [email protected]%* happened. Is this a mid-life crisis or did I give too much attention to our children and not enough to him?


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Welcome to TAM. I'm sorry that your going through so much pain. The one thing that sticks out to me is agreeing to go to marriage counseling, or you wouldn't leave the hospital? Was that what you told him? At times like this, the only option is to be true to ourselves and better ourselves. 

Don't be a victim. Be honest with yourself and try to better yourself.


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## lifsuxs (Jul 8, 2012)

I did really tell my husband that. He lied to me, he said he would get it try. He didn't even give it a chance. After all the crap I've taken, I still love him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

lifsuxs said:


> I did really tell my husband that. He lied to me, he said he would get it try. He didn't even give it a chance. After all the crap I've taken, I still love him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you act lovingly towards him?


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

The reason I asked is because as a man, I don't think you could expect much out of him if you threatened him to go. The past is the past and we can only work on our future, but if you threatened him with other things, you might have been a bit controlling and that would make anyone have resentment.


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## lifsuxs (Jul 8, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> Did you act lovingly towards him?


We both cared for each other. I would look back now and wish our sexual desire was more but we were always running around with the kids for some sporting practice or game. Also not to make excuses but owning a home something always needed to be done. When life was seemed to be getting alittle crazy, we would go for a walk holding hands or maybe a hike in the woods. I should state that duing this time of upheavel I thought he was going through job burnout. I was wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

lifsuxs said:


> We both cared for each other. I would look back now and wish our sexual desire was more but we were always running around with the kids for some sporting practice or game. Also not to make excuses but owning a home something always needed to be done. When life was seemed to be getting alittle crazy, we would go for a walk holding hands or maybe a hike in the woods. I should state that duing this time of upheavel I thought he was going through job burnout. I was wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Men really want their wives to be their best friends.

Yet, women are oriented towards their children.


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## lifsuxs (Jul 8, 2012)

I just wanted to be a good wife and Mother. Both of our families divorced and re-married and I did not want to live like them. My parents always argued and my husband's Mother and Step-Father were not a loving family, but the Mother's need to have a man in the house.

What burns me is that my husband wanted the same thing as I do. A loving relationship with a commitment to actually interact with your children. We did not want to be like our parents.

Well guess what that dream is almost about to burst. I just want to know, was I wrong in giving my children too much attention and not enough to my Husband. He has changes so much as far as his looks, style of dress (loud orange button-down shirt) and wearing jewelry. He doesn't have a care about the house, me and sometimes the kids. WHY?????


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

lifsuxs said:


> I just wanted to be a good wife and Mother. Both of our families divorced and re-married and I did not want to live like them. My parents always argued and my husband's Mother and Step-Father were not a loving family, but the Mother's need to have a man in the house.
> 
> What burns me is that my husband wanted the same thing as I do. A loving relationship with a commitment to actually interact with your children. We did not want to be like our parents.
> 
> Well guess what that dream is almost about to burst. I just want to know, was I wrong in giving my children too much attention and not enough to my Husband. He has changes so much as far as his looks, style of dress (loud orange button-down shirt) and wearing jewelry. He doesn't have a care about the house, me and sometimes the kids. WHY?????


If your focus stays on him, it will drive you crazy.

What you are grieving is the loss of your delusion.

Start connecting with yourself... what's inside.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i'm so sorry you're going through this. when my spouse left me, the first thing i did was cry and beg, and call him constantly. then, i blamed myself. all the things i could have done to please him i did. i was his biggest cheerleader, wrote love notes, thoughtful presents, ect. i thought for awhile this was working. i realize now it just probably made him feel guilty enough to spend a little time with me. when you are the one who has been left, you very often don't get answers as to why it happened- and that sucks. it amazes how a person can abandon their family, spouse, home, ect. all you can do is take care of yourself and make yourself better and move on with your life. 

also, if he's racking up bills, you may want to talk to a lawyer or file for divorce. if you are still married, you may be held responsible for half his debt.


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## lifsuxs (Jul 8, 2012)

My husband has his own credit cards (the ones he's racking up), just I found out through my credit report because the credit bureau put his and mine together as we had the same home address. I gave his new address and was able to dispute it.

My lawyer called me today and said that he was waiting for the final settlement papers as my husband has signed the agreement. So it will be my turn to put my signature on it. I still feel depressed. After all the things he said that I did and what he could not do I should be glad it is almost over.

Why do I feel still utterly attached to him. So I knew my husband since we were teenagers and had kids with him and had some really great moments in our marriage and really still do love him. I wish my Mom was still alive. Tho I made not have been to social with my Mother, I still would be able to talk to her. 

Life really does suck. You give your heart to someone and one day they just come and rip it out of you.


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