# New Marriage AFTER Divorce Fairy Tale or Realistic



## Hardtohandle

I wanted to type up a bunch of stuff. but then deleted it because it got off the rails.

Personally my new marriage is more realistic. Meaning there is love but not the big fantasy of love I had with my ex wife.
Meaning I love my wife but I wouldn't accept or try to work out the marriage if she did me dirty. I did try with my ex wife, we had 20 years together and 2 kids. The world at that time for me revolved around her.

I no longer put women on that pedestal anymore.

But I do see some people talk about their new marriage like it fixed everything the old one couldn't.
Mind you my last marriage wasn't bad. But she did cheat on me in the end and destroyed the marriage overnight. She basically left 6 months later as she was faking she was fixing it.

Today in my new marriage our finances are separate. Much of our stuff is separate. Even grocery shopping and laundry.. She buys for her kids I buy for mine.
I don't think much of this was a great idea honestly I was looking for more togetherness.
We have been together 9 years and married 2. Just moved in together 10 months ago.
Things are not prefect. We do have our issues. We fight over bullsh!t.


I enjoy relationships. I love her but some times it feels more like a business than a marriage.
I just don't have that undying love, would run into a burning building feeling anymore as I did for my ex wife at the time.

Our fights are pretty much don't worry I will find someone else. I will survive without you.
I mean there is more to our fights but they pretty much circle back to that line.

I am just trying to find out if it is me or is this common.

I hope I am making sense.


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## ConanHub

No input from this barbarian. I'm still on my first, and God willing, only marriage.

Wishing you the best though.


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## Andy1001

You both appear to be afraid of getting hurt despite both your protestations. 
If you’re afraid of trusting or showing vulnerability to your wife and vice versa then as you said it’s not much of a marriage, more of a business arrangement. 
Counselling may help but only if both of you participate wholeheartedly.


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## Trident

You're legally married on paper but not emotionally.

Honestly not seeing the point, nothing really to gain and everything to lose. When and if it unravels it's going to be more messy than it otherwise would have been.


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## Numb26

Can't really answer thus because I am one and done. I won't get married again


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## Openminded

I remember your story. My opinion has always been that you serve a practical purpose as far as she’s concerned and it doesn’t have a lot to do with love.


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## SpinyNorman

There are a couple of scripts that get followed a lot.

Some people learn from their first marriage and do better in the second. Some people carry bitterness from the first into the second. Others just repeat the same mistakes.

There are some pretty original scripts, too.


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## Married but Happy

My second marriage is far closer to the fairy tale ideal than my first, but I'd also be quicker to end it if there are unacceptable behaviors. I was too tolerant in my first marriage despite major problems that were never solved. We both learned from our "starter" marriages, and apply that to this relationship, with great success.


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## Prodigal

If you're so separate that you're doing your own grocery shopping, I don't see the point of being married. Seriously.


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## Openminded

Your relationship is definitely similar to a business arrangement and always has been from what I recall. So, yeah, no surprise that yours is not exactly a close marriage. She never meant it to be (regardless of what she might have sold you on).


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## Diana7

You don't sound like you have really joined together in marriage at all. It's hard to see why you did get married to be honest as you don't seem to love each other. 
Our second marriage is far better for both of us than our first ones were. We do share everything, no money is his or mine, he sees my children as his own, we are very committed and love each other very much.


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## Luckylucky

We know a story very similar to yours, second marriage is just as you describe. 

He is also now painting the first marriage as better, but he did demonise the first wife once he met the new wife. I fear he’s got some major regrets now. First wife didn’t cheat but there were other issues. 

Your second marriage has lasted long enough for you to make some comparisons. It doesn’t sound like a very loving or happy set up, but like most marriages, most things are great in the beginning aren’t they. 

Sorry you’re in this predicament, and perhaps it’s better in a way that finances are separate.


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## Mr.Married

Maybe y’all should have just opened a gas station together instead of getting married.

I got married young to Mrs. Married. She is my fairy tale ..... I don’t need a second marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver

Hardtohandle said:


> I wanted to type up a bunch of stuff. but then deleted it because it got off the rails.
> 
> Personally my new marriage is more realistic. Meaning there is love but not the big fantasy of love I had with my ex wife.
> Meaning I love my wife but I wouldn't accept or try to work out the marriage if she did me dirty. I did try with my ex wife, we had 20 years together and 2 kids. The world at that time for me revolved around her.
> 
> I no longer put women on that pedestal anymore.
> 
> But I do see some people talk about their new marriage like it fixed everything the old one couldn't.
> Mind you my last marriage wasn't bad. But she did cheat on me in the end and destroyed the marriage overnight. She basically left 6 months later as she was faking she was fixing it.
> 
> Today in my new marriage our finances are separate. Much of our stuff is separate. Even grocery shopping and laundry.. She buys for her kids I buy for mine.
> I don't think much of this was a great idea honestly I was looking for more togetherness.
> We have been together 9 years and married 2. Just moved in together 10 months ago.
> Things are not prefect. We do have our issues. We fight over bullsh!t.
> 
> 
> I enjoy relationships. I love her but some times it feels more like a business than a marriage.
> I just don't have that undying love, would run into a burning building feeling anymore as I did for my ex wife at the time.
> 
> Our fights are pretty much don't worry I will find someone else. I will survive without you.
> I mean there is more to our fights but they pretty much circle back to that line.
> 
> I am just trying to find out if it is me or is this common.
> 
> I hope I am making sense.


It sounds okay to me. It sounds balanced. I know there are guys who don't feel like they're really connecting with a woman unless the woman really needs them, but there's an awful lot of good women out there who though they may not necessarily need a man, want hey man and would be great companions who wouldn't bleed you dry. 

Your comment about you both know you can find somebody else, I think that's how confident people are, people who don't need to be codependent on someone else to be happy and are kind of self-sufficient and know they can make it no matter what happens. I personally think that's healthy. 

As long as you're happy and are good companions to each other, ride the ride for as long as it's fun.


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## DudeInProgress

Sorry brother, it doesn’t sound like a very fulfilling situation. Still on my first so I don’t have any direct feedback, but there are some universal trends. It doesn’t sound like there is much passion, was there in the beginning? How often do you have sex? With everything so separate, how is the leadership dynamic in the relationship?


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## DudeInProgress

DownByTheRiver said:


> It sounds okay to me. It sounds balanced. I know there are guys who don't feel like they're really connecting with a woman unless the woman really needs them, but there's an awful lot of good women out there who though they may not necessarily need a man, want hey man and would be great companions who wouldn't bleed you dry.
> 
> Your comment about you both know you can find somebody else, I think that's how confident people are, people who don't need to be codependent on someone else to be happy and are kind of self-sufficient and know they can make it no matter what happens. I personally think that's healthy.
> 
> As long as you're happy and are good companions to each other, ride the ride for as long as it's fun.


 I don’t think it sounds OK at all, for me it would be miserable. I want to be intimately and passionately connected to my wife and her to me. 
1. I don’t think most men want to be needed (that can wear thin), as much as we want to be passionately wanted and desired.
2. Yes, confident people know they can find someone else, and yes that is healthy. 
But confident people don’t constantly remind their spouse that they could find someone else every time they get in a fight. That’s actually an extremely toxic and dysfunctional dynamic, in my opinion.

The fact that OP is posting here, suggests to me that he is less than happy about the dynamic in his new marriage.


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## Openminded

Some random things I think I remember from all your other threads about her. You are the emotional one in the relationship. She’s Eastern European and tends to be tough. She threatens to leave for one of her many orbiters whenever things don’t go her way. You married her because you think she’s hot. She cares more about the material things you can provide (house, for example) than other things. You fight a lot — she brings plenty of drama — and you’ve broken up up several times. Everyone who posted on your other threads warned you about her many times but you persisted because … you think she’s hot. Sorry if my memory’s off on this but it’s what I remember.


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## Rowan

So, I'm in my second marriage. We've been together 5+ years, lived together for around 18 months before marrying, and got married last year. Honestly, getting married didn't really change our relationship or feelings for one another in any significant way. We are still "us" but with more strings attached, and we're both comfortable and happy with that. 

My second marriage _is_ better than my first. The relationship was on the whole much better, even before marriage, than my relationship with my ex-husband ever was. We genuinely like and enjoy one another. We don't always agree but we also don't really "fight", because we both know how to have conversations about difficult topics. We spend a lot of time together doing fun things, and ordinary things, and even much-of-nothing things. We both know how to manage finances in a way that keeps us on the same page and we now share our finances totally. We like a lot of the same things, we have the same philosophies and goals and we enjoy the same lifestyle. We both know ourselves, and each other. 

This is not anything like a business arrangement. But nor is it any sort of unhealthy codependence involving pedestals, the idea that either of us couldn't survive without the other or that we couldn't find someone else if that ever became necessary. We both know that we each have boundaries, that some things would be deal-breakers, and that either of us would be okay if the other broke the deal - sad, angry, unhappy for a time, but eventually absolutely okay. Which means we both also know that our relationship, our marriage, is a _choice_ we both make. It's something we're willing to work for and on, but not something either of us would be willing to put up with anything just to keep. We keep choosing each other, in all the best ways. 

I don't think my second marriage "fixed everything the old one couldn't." I do think, however, that it involves two people who learned to fix_ themselves_ before getting into a relationship. Two emotionally healthy people who love each other and are comfortable being interdependent, while also having healthy boundaries, makes for a much better marriage than I had with my first husband.


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## Lila

Hardtohandle said:


> I wanted to type up a bunch of stuff. but then deleted it because it got off the rails.
> 
> Personally my new marriage is more realistic. Meaning there is love but not the big fantasy of love I had with my ex wife.
> Meaning I love my wife but I wouldn't accept or try to work out the marriage if she did me dirty. I did try with my ex wife, we had 20 years together and 2 kids. The world at that time for me revolved around her.
> 
> I no longer put women on that pedestal anymore.
> 
> But I do see some people talk about their new marriage like it fixed everything the old one couldn't.
> Mind you my last marriage wasn't bad. But she did cheat on me in the end and destroyed the marriage overnight. She basically left 6 months later as she was faking she was fixing it.
> 
> Today in my new marriage our finances are separate. Much of our stuff is separate. Even grocery shopping and laundry.. She buys for her kids I buy for mine.
> I don't think much of this was a great idea honestly I was looking for more togetherness.
> We have been together 9 years and married 2. Just moved in together 10 months ago.
> Things are not prefect. We do have our issues. We fight over bullsh!t.
> 
> 
> I enjoy relationships. I love her but some times it feels more like a business than a marriage.
> I just don't have that undying love, would run into a burning building feeling anymore as I did for my ex wife at the time.
> 
> Our fights are pretty much don't worry I will find someone else. I will survive without you.
> I mean there is more to our fights but they pretty much circle back to that line.
> 
> I am just trying to find out if it is me or is this common.
> 
> I hope I am making sense.



I think parts of what you describe are pretty typical of the second marriages I've seen but other parts (argument retorts-I'll find someone new) are not typical of healthy relationships 

I think _ most_ second+ long term partnerships don't have the same selfless (unconditional) love that first marriages have. They tend to be entered into for practical reasons other than "mad love" (that's the business partnership feeling you are describing). I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as there is a mutual respect, trust, and affection. It doesn't sound like you and your wife respect each other much if you're throwing out things like "I'll find someone else" in arguments. 

I'm also going to throw this out there because you alluded to it. People who bring kids into the relationship tend to prioritize their children over their spouse. This happens because of the mindset that husbands and wives can be replaced but your kids cannot. This, in addition to the hurdles in blending families, is the #1 reason second+ marriages fail at much higher rates than 1st marriages.


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## Manner1067

Hardtohandle said:


> I wanted to type up a bunch of stuff. but then deleted it because it got off the rails.
> 
> Personally my new marriage is more realistic. Meaning there is love but not the big fantasy of love I had with my ex wife.
> Meaning I love my wife but I wouldn't accept or try to work out the marriage if she did me dirty. I did try with my ex wife, we had 20 years together and 2 kids. The world at that time for me revolved around her.
> 
> I no longer put women on that pedestal anymore.
> 
> But I do see some people talk about their new marriage like it fixed everything the old one couldn't.
> Mind you my last marriage wasn't bad. But she did cheat on me in the end and destroyed the marriage overnight. She basically left 6 months later as she was faking she was fixing it.
> 
> Today in my new marriage our finances are separate. Much of our stuff is separate. Even grocery shopping and laundry.. She buys for her kids I buy for mine.
> I don't think much of this was a great idea honestly I was looking for more togetherness.
> We have been together 9 years and married 2. Just moved in together 10 months ago.
> Things are not prefect. We do have our issues. We fight over bullsh!t.
> 
> 
> I enjoy relationships. I love her but some times it feels more like a business than a marriage.
> I just don't have that undying love, would run into a burning building feeling anymore as I did for my ex wife at the time.
> 
> Our fights are pretty much don't worry I will find someone else. I will survive without you.
> I mean there is more to our fights but they pretty much circle back to that line.
> 
> I am just trying to find out if it is me or is this common.
> 
> I hope I am making sense.


I am not sure why you married this women, or why you decided to get married again at all

if we are to look at this from a purely pragmatic and practical angle we see

1. Marriage creates issues regarding your estate and your children's inheritance. I certainly hope you have a trust set up that clearly defines how your estate will be divided upon your death, because if you don't, when you die, your new wife will get 100% of everything. Your kids will be disinherited. 

2. If you divorce again, you will still likely lose 50% of your property --and you kids will be impacted.

3. Unless this marriage establishes some kind of merger between two wealthy, influential families, I fail to see what the benefit is here. I suspect you were talked into marriage for the following reasons: so that your new wife could get social security / pension survivor benefits, and that she could talk you into modifying your trust and/or will in order to prioritize her kids

so yes, this is a business relationship, but it is a bad deal for you on every level.

I sense that you are bitter about this to some degree, and having second thoughts. You are also still jaded from your first wife cheating on you --aka, coming to the realization that women are not very reliable, and you are in a dangerous position. I have watched at least 10 of my guys friends get divorced and lose a lot of their property, even though it was the wife who cheated. In one case, my buddy was sick with cancer, undergoing chemo, and his wife cheated on him and threw him out of his own house.

not trying to bash women here, but I think you need to reconsider all of this


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## Arkansas

*Hardtohandle*

I changed greatly too after a terribly hard divorce of 24 years.

I don't believe in once in a lifetime, soulmate, true love etc. I don't believe in people being honest and trustworthy and true and all that either, not for the long haul. Fairytale romance is a myth.

I understand loving someone, harmonious relationship, being good and kind to someone, greatly enjoying company ..... but that magical thing? Nope, not a reality anymore


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## uwe.blab

Openminded said:


> Your relationship is definitely similar to a business arrangement and always has been from what I recall. So, yeah, no surprise that yours is not exactly a close marriage. She never meant it to be (regardless of what she might have sold you on).


Except it sounds like even the 'business'/financials are separate.


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