# Marriage Buster questions and Attraction



## moonbeam78 (Oct 11, 2015)

After reviewing several threads with roots in my own issues, I'm reviewing the Marriage buster questionnaires, affection inventory. A lot of bells are going off, particularly with how I show affection to my wife. 

My first obstacle is that I struggle with affection in part due to attraction to my wife. I have never found her physically attractive and her attitude (often quite negative) doesn't help much. (My IC has helped me realize it's actually probably a bigger driver than appearance actually.)

So my question are there members who have successfully used the questionaires or other methods to grow an attraction to their partner through romantic love?

p.s I know many people probably use 'never attracted to her' as revisionist history, but this is truly the case for me. She's a good woman, that's why I married her. I also realize now she deserves someone who finds her attractive.:|


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is the questionnaire online? If so, could you post a link to it?

.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How sad for your wife that you never found her attractive. Does she know this?


----------



## moonbeam78 (Oct 11, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Is the questionnaire online? If so, could you post a link to it?
> 
> .


I'm using the PDFs linked on the webpage that is your signature, as well as my copy of His Needs, Her Needs. Forgive my lack of clarity.


----------



## moonbeam78 (Oct 11, 2015)

I think she suspects. Although I have always denied it. What does not suspect is that amount of impact her attitude has on finding her attractive (now or in the future). Not making excuses, just being honest. 

I agree it is sad, but I feel bad enough without being reminded of it. What I am seeking is a way to grow that attraction from it's minimal level.


----------



## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

moonbeam78 said:


> I think she suspects. Although I have always denied it. What does not suspect is that amount of impact her attitude has on finding her attractive (now or in the future). Not making excuses, just being honest.
> 
> I agree it is sad, but I feel bad enough without being reminded of it. What I am seeking is a way to grow that attraction from it's minimal level.


There has to be something that attracts you to her. Or at least there was at one point. 

Find a trait that you really admire about her, doesn't have to be physical, start with that and grow from there.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

moonbeam78 said:


> I'm using the PDFs linked on the webpage that is your signature, as well as my copy of His Needs, Her Needs. Forgive my lack of clarity.


Is this the one that you are talking about?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

I'm asking because I'm curious that it made you realize that you do not find your wife attractive. Has she filled out the questionnaire as well?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

moonbeam78 said:


> I think she suspects. Although I have always denied it. What does not suspect is that amount of impact her attitude has on finding her attractive (now or in the future). Not making excuses, just being honest.
> 
> I agree it is sad, but I feel bad enough without being reminded of it. What I am seeking is a way to grow that attraction from it's minimal level.


I would think that the more quality time you spend with her and the more sex you have with her, the more you will bond to her. And the more you bond to her, the more attractive she will be to you. That's sort of how bonding (oxytocin, etc) work.

How many hours a week to you spend with your wife, just the two of you alone, doing date-like things?


.


----------



## moonbeam78 (Oct 11, 2015)

Thank you for pointing to the link, and yes that's one I've looked at. The questionaire was helpful in putting my thoughts into words, but my feelings have lasted for a long time. It has come up very pointedly in IC in the past, and the question is always a painful one to answer honestly. 

I think your last point about increasing sex yielding increasing attraction is very fair. A recurring stumbling block there is her LD coupled with some (what I believe to be) unresolved issues with a sexual assault that occurred many years ago. (Another thread might come of that thought, perhaps) But I think you are correct in that we could try to increase 'activity' and see where it leads. Interesting.


----------

