# I'm worried I might hit my wife



## MrJosh

A little bit of background... 

I've been married a little over 4 years... there's been ups and downs, but overall pretty status quo.

My wife is a very sorta type A personality. She's a leader at work. In general we do what she wants and when she wants to do it. For the most part that's pretty easy for me to deal with so long as I don't have to miss watching any major sporting events and my tivo is set up for whatever show I might miss.

She's headstrong and does not receive criticism well. Even when I've tried to word things constructively. She always has a reason why she does things and why she's right. Even if I don't agree. For the most part its little stuff, so I've learned its usually just better to just accept it as part of the package deal of being married.

I recently decided to make a career change. I'm making less money and slowly working my way up. I'm working some evenings too at another job just to make sure we make ends meet. In general I find myself struggling with self confidence more so than ever before... l feel like a pretty pathetic man. So, suddenly all the doing what she wants and when she wants to is really taking its toll. 

She wanted me to cut back on my evening work so I obliged and was able to cut back to 3 nights and still make the money situation work. Then, during our evening time she wanted me not to work on the computer, but rather to spend time with her on the couch which I think is fair... but, she seems to be allowed to continue to work on her laptop during our TV evenings. It's just a small thing, but they start adding up to big things.

And then last night, we had some friends over and there was a heated discussion between me and a buddy about a quarterback. We weren't yelling or anything... we're just passionate about our sports teams. Oh.. I should toss in that there was plenty of beer during the game.

After everyone left, I was still mentally stuck on the debate and turned to my wife basically just to run my mouth about sports contracts. She cut me off a few times and I lost my cool. I said "can you just shut up and listen" then she started talking.. so I yelled "just shut the f-up!" 

Then She laughed at me. So, I forcibly grabbed her by the wrists and said that she just makes me want to hit her. She started to cry and I let her go and told her that I was sorry.

I'm not a "controlling" guy, but I do feel like I'm being controlled in almost every aspect of my life right now. I wanted some control... and I wanted to feel respected and that my opinion mattered.

At that point last night, I just wanted to run my mouth about who the starting quarterback should be. All she had to do was agree... or even just pay attention to what I was saying. What I don't get was why she'd stand up to me and then laugh.

This morning things weren't very good between us... I did a lot of apologizing and asked why she'd antagonize me. The response was interesting. She said that she was taught that no one had the right to yell at her so she should always stand up to them if they were yelling at or trying to intimidate her. I told her that she's correct that no one has the right, but you can easily just diffuse the situation. 

She recommended I seek help, which is fine... We can go to couples therapy. If this is some kind of deep rooted rage problem and I'm a dirtbag, then I'll put in the time and effort. I've been angered before when drinking... never to a point of violence. And it's nothing that comes up with any sort of frequency, but if the answer is I stop drinking... I'm ok with that. 

Anyways, I'm a large athletic guy and a trained martial artist. I could be dangerous if I became violent. 

I just can't get passed the notion that she had so little respect for me that she laughed at me when I was obviously mad. All I wanted was to be heard. I'm frustrated and don't like idea that I have to be careful or I could be pushed over the edge. The last time I struck someone out of anger (as opposed to competition) I think I was 12 years old. 

With my self-esteem currently being so bad, I feel like a pretty pathetic person. Ugh... maybe I am a dirtbag.

Does anyone have any suggestions?


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## SimplyAmorous

I think it is GOOD you are acknowledging the capability of yourself going over the edge - if you do not get your emotions in check. This is noble and your willingness to go to counseling if you feel it is a real concern. 

I can say I feel rage when one of my children laugh at me when I am trying to punish them. I never layed a hand on him, but I DO verbally loose my cool in ways I should not during those times. 

Getting THIS outragously upset over football, in my personal humble opionion, is rediculous, but hey, just a woman's persceptive. I am thrilled my husband cares nothing about sports! It should be enjoyed, not taken to extremes like your debate. 

But seriously, I can understand why she started to cry , and the laugh could be just a reaction to how Rediculous the whole thing was. Forgive her for that. 

I understand a need to be HEARD, seriously, this IS vitally important in a healthy marraige, but maybe she is not interested in that kind of debate at all , maybe she should have been the last person to continue it with. Does she share your LUST and zealousness for sports ? 

Most importantly, does she treat you this way in other relationship matters? If not, then this is isolated and of little concern, just dont bother her about your sports debating. 

Leave it for the men who feel as passionately as you.


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## MrJosh

I didn't want to actually engage her in a sports debate. I basically just wanted to vent about how upset I was that my buddy didn't share my opinion and tear down his argument for being stupid. 

it's sounds silly, but I just wanted to say what was bugging me about it and I would've gone right to bed. All she had to say was, yeah.. your buddy was being stupid... and that would've been it.

The new career has be saying a lot of 'yes sirs' and 'no sirs' And, I get belittled frequently. I really just wanted to feel like I was right and justified in my opinion, even if it was petty and about football.

If there wasn't beer involved, then I'm certain this never would've happened, but I've also never done anything like this before. Still, it never should've happened... I feel pretty awful about it.


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## SimplyAmorous

MrJosh said:


> If there wasn't beer involved, then I'm certain this never would've happened, but I've also never done anything like this before. Still, it never should've happened... I feel pretty awful about it.


 Ok, so it was completely isolated, this is good. I doubt you need counseling over it. You feel pretty awful, and you learned something from it. We all have bad days. 

Now in your reflection, if you just tell your wife you are very sorry, it shouldn't have happened (which you did) and then if you still want to explain further how you wanted so bad -just for her to validate you in your feelings on this, maybe she will understand just a little more. Give some kind of example of how she has done that very thing in the past in OTHER ways, on other issues and she will "get it" . 

Correct me if I am wrong, but was this Debate over "Rottenburger / Steelers ? I mean no ill will in spelling his name this way, it is how my husband describes him when he mentiones him, cause he makes the news quite a lot in my area. Either you love the guy & forgive all his ways or you hate him. ? I have no real opionion as I have not followed what is happening at all.


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## 23YearWife

This is my first post and yours happened to be the first message I read. What struck me was your honesty. "I'm a decent guy," came through every word. So, first, please stop and give yourself credit for that -- for having the ability and willingness to openly analyze yourself and your situation as well as you did, given the emotion inherent in all marriages. There are so many people who wouldn't even try and you're trying with all your might. I congratulate you. In my next post, I'll tell you more of what I think, but for now I know it wasn't easy to be that honest. It was magnificent that you were. Stay earnest and open like that and you'll find your way. BTW, my hubby's a big guy like you and he's also not violent. But you guys can forget you have 100 times more testosterone to deal with than we women do. Which means it's 100 times easier, on average, for you men to get angry and aggressive.

That's the reason you can't ever touch your wife in anger. Better to leave the room, leave the house than do that. You're already not only a guy, but a big one trained in martial arts. Using that strength in any way against an unequal opponent is total overkill. You don't need to do it. To intimidate, all you really have to do is show up. Adding beer to the package only makes things worse ... kind of like loading an already loaded gun.

Cops would tell you grabbing her wrists was an assault. I know. Years ago, hubby once restrained me (without hurting me in the least). However, it scared me so much (cause he's such a big guy), I called the cops who told him that was assault. He never did it again. Your wife might have been laughing to cover fear. I share this to spare you the cops showing up and because I can see from your letter you're the kind of man who actually does have self control. Don't beat yourself up about it. Nobody's perfect. Take it as a lesson learned and move on. 

Back later and congratulations again on your openness. By itself, that means your chances of making it are a lot more than 50%.


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## dotingwife

Have you considered a Life Coach? You can't deal with the issues between you and your wife (and it's clear she has a lot of issues as well) until you're in a state of mind to deal with your own. Life Coaching can help you identify goals and barriers without the rigourous confines of counseling. It's a lot cheaper and doesn't have the stigma attached. I found that my husband was more receptive to techniques from Life Coaching workbooks than he was to the idea of marriage counseling.


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## unbelievable

" I just can't get passed the notion that she had so little respect for me that she laughed at me when I was obviously mad."

This isn't about her lack of respect. She was laughing at a drunk. Getting in that condition was your choice. She doesn't typically laugh at you or disrespect you, does she? Drunks are funny. I arrest them all the time and it's hard not to laugh at the ridiculous crap they say and do. They are often angry and love to fight. Luckily, they have the motivation but not the ability. 

Ok, you're athletic and trained in martial arts. She probably cooks once in a while and knows what rat poison is. You sleep in her presence and she knows how to dial 911. You both have reasons to respect each other. If the ony time you let anger get the best of you, alcohol is involved, this isn't rocket science. Stop drinking to excess. 
By all means, go to counseling and figure out why you get angry and how you can control it. If it helps, you might remember that a domestic violence episode will end up hurting you more than your wife. You'll be arrested, maybe tazed or thumped a little, forced to live elsewhere for a while, probably end up divorced, banned forever from owning firearms, out several thousand dollars, and stuck with a criminal record. Her bruise or busted lip will heal in a few days. You'll be dealing with it for the rest of your life.


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## greeneyeddolphin

I very much doubt you're a dirtbag. If you were a dirtbag, you wouldn't be here trying to solve this problem...you'd be trying to hit her, or fantasizing about it, or something like that.

You acknowledge that you would be dangerous if you get violent; knowing that is half the battle. It means that you will try harder not to be violent. 

It sounds like you were drinking too much, and this incident was just the final straw in a whole lot of things that have been bugging you for quite some time now. Your response was not appropriate, but you know that. 

The thing to do now is to apologize again, assure her it will never happen again, and if she wants you to go to counseling, go. That will show her you mean what you say. 

In a separate conversation (so it doesn't sound like you're trying to blame her or make excuses), tell her the other stuff you mention here: how you feel belittled, she tends to boss you around and expect things from you that she's not as willing to give.

Honestly, you two might need counseling, not so much over this one particular incident, but because you held things in until they built to this point, and she doesn't seem to see that her behavior might be...inappropriate for a marriage.


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## MEM2020

You need to read a book on being assertive. I would never allow my W to jerk me around the way yours is jerking you around. AND I would also never get physical with her like you did. 

So the laptop thing. I would simply say in a nice voice "if you use your laptop while we are watching TV, I am going to get up and go do stuff on my computer"

This is called having boundaries. Do NOT argue. I don't care what she says explaining why it is ok for her to work on her laptop while you are both watching tv. Just smile and say "I respect your right to that opinion, I disagree" And then FOLLOW THROUGH by getting up and going to play on your computer when she opens it. 

If she follows you and hassles you just ignore her. Pretend she isn't there. Seriously. 

Your issue is that you are letting her treat you like her servant and that is creating a huge build up of resentment. 

Boundaries are simple: If someone else does X, you will do Y. And when they say "but that isn't right because...." you just say "I disagree" but do NOT explain yourself. Just leave it at that and then do what you said you were going to do as long as it does not involve, yelling, screaming or intimidating the other person. 






MrJosh said:


> A little bit of background...
> 
> I've been married a little over 4 years... there's been ups and downs, but overall pretty status quo.
> 
> My wife is a very sorta type A personality. She's a leader at work. In general we do what she wants and when she wants to do it. For the most part that's pretty easy for me to deal with so long as I don't have to miss watching any major sporting events and my tivo is set up for whatever show I might miss.
> 
> She's headstrong and does not receive criticism well. Even when I've tried to word things constructively. She always has a reason why she does things and why she's right. Even if I don't agree. For the most part its little stuff, so I've learned its usually just better to just accept it as part of the package deal of being married.
> 
> I recently decided to make a career change. I'm making less money and slowly working my way up. I'm working some evenings too at another job just to make sure we make ends meet. In general I find myself struggling with self confidence more so than ever before... l feel like a pretty pathetic man. So, suddenly all the doing what she wants and when she wants to is really taking its toll.
> 
> She wanted me to cut back on my evening work so I obliged and was able to cut back to 3 nights and still make the money situation work. Then, during our evening time she wanted me not to work on the computer, but rather to spend time with her on the couch which I think is fair... but, she seems to be allowed to continue to work on her laptop during our TV evenings. It's just a small thing, but they start adding up to big things.
> 
> And then last night, we had some friends over and there was a heated discussion between me and a buddy about a quarterback. We weren't yelling or anything... we're just passionate about our sports teams. Oh.. I should toss in that there was plenty of beer during the game.
> 
> After everyone left, I was still mentally stuck on the debate and turned to my wife basically just to run my mouth about sports contracts. She cut me off a few times and I lost my cool. I said "can you just shut up and listen" then she started talking.. so I yelled "just shut the f-up!"
> 
> Then She laughed at me. So, I forcibly grabbed her by the wrists and said that she just makes me want to hit her. She started to cry and I let her go and told her that I was sorry.
> 
> I'm not a "controlling" guy, but I do feel like I'm being controlled in almost every aspect of my life right now. I wanted some control... and I wanted to feel respected and that my opinion mattered.
> 
> At that point last night, I just wanted to run my mouth about who the starting quarterback should be. All she had to do was agree... or even just pay attention to what I was saying. What I don't get was why she'd stand up to me and then laugh.
> 
> This morning things weren't very good between us... I did a lot of apologizing and asked why she'd antagonize me. The response was interesting. She said that she was taught that no one had the right to yell at her so she should always stand up to them if they were yelling at or trying to intimidate her. I told her that she's correct that no one has the right, but you can easily just diffuse the situation.
> 
> She recommended I seek help, which is fine... We can go to couples therapy. If this is some kind of deep rooted rage problem and I'm a dirtbag, then I'll put in the time and effort. I've been angered before when drinking... never to a point of violence. And it's nothing that comes up with any sort of frequency, but if the answer is I stop drinking... I'm ok with that.
> 
> Anyways, I'm a large athletic guy and a trained martial artist. I could be dangerous if I became violent.
> 
> I just can't get passed the notion that she had so little respect for me that she laughed at me when I was obviously mad. All I wanted was to be heard. I'm frustrated and don't like idea that I have to be careful or I could be pushed over the edge. The last time I struck someone out of anger (as opposed to competition) I think I was 12 years old.
> 
> With my self-esteem currently being so bad, I feel like a pretty pathetic person. Ugh... maybe I am a dirtbag.
> 
> Does anyone have any suggestions?


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## unbelievable

"The new career has be saying a lot of 'yes sirs' and 'no sirs' And, I get belittled frequently. I really just wanted to feel like I was right and justified in my opinion, even if it was petty and about football.

If there wasn't beer involved, then I'm certain this never would've happened, but I've also never done anything like this before. Still, it never should've happened... I feel pretty awful about it. "

Hey, I'm a cop and a soldier. Believe me, I suck crap at work all the time. I do empathize with your need to feel in control or at least respected at home. Work is work and home is home. Your wife isn't to blame for your boss' bad moods or for difficult customers. She isn't to blame because you decided to drink a little too much. The tougher things get at work, the more you will need an understanding, sympathetic ear at home. Get out of line and you won't have that. Cut down on the drinking, especially when you're in a bad mood anyway. Maybe hit the gym or go running after work and blow some steam off that way. Life is tough and it's probably going to get worse. You just need to figure out an effective, constructive way of dealing with stress, because that's not going away.


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## krismimo

May I speak on this if I may? I think the laughter had more merit than people are giving. I think you were upset at that moment because I get this feeling that at that moment YOU felt her Laughing at you like really looking down on you and SHE has been laughing at you and looking down on you a long time which is why you snapped. The laughing is a symbol of the LACK of respect that you felt even if it was or wasn't about sports the debate itself and or the beers. She laughing at you struck a nerve, you felt like a puppet and maybe even a ephiny here you are doing a lot of things she asks of you and she is also demanding and head strong put you over the top. I commend you for coming foward and trying to figure out for you what you need to do in order to get yourself back on track. Good Luck and I think you can do it


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## HappyWife40

Just for information: The original post is a year old and original poster has not been back on since then.  Carry on.


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