# Any recommendations on learning how to be assertive?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I always find that I always seem to come across as either too passive or too aggressive. If I am stating a belief I have, for example, I either back down and agree with whatever the other person is telling me, or I keep pushing it and then it starts to come off as *****ey/aggressive in my defense.

I would love to be assertive not passive and definently not aggressive. 

Any good tools/books, etc.anybody can recommend?

I always admire those that are assertive and stick to their guns but do it without self doubt or guilt. For example, sometimes I agree to do something after I have told myself never again and then I am angry and venting and griping to myself afterwards. Simply because I let guilt/self doubt, etc. come into play.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm opinionated (sometimes to the point of arrogance, to my shame) but I had to teach myself to be assertive.

I used to do what you're doing now - back down for the sake of "a quiet life." Thing is, you don't get a quiet life. If someone finds you an easy victory, chances are they'll be back for more. Accepting that behaviour eats at you. You feel spineless, you get resentful. Sooner or later you explode. That's where you're at. You back down over and over,, hating yourself and the people you allowed to "get away with it". Resentment and anger build and you erupt.

Not passive aggressive so much as too passive then too aggressive.

The solution is easy. Enacting it will take a while to perfect.

Identify when you'd normally back down then go another round,, and another if you can.


Set a boundary of how much you're prepared to tolerate and don't let anyone cross it.

If you stick up for yourself, you feel better about you. People who feel good don't explode inappropriately and embarass themselves.

Finally - Never argue when you're wrong. Sounds obvious but people do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Assertive and aggressive both require you to speak up for what you think and for yourself. If you focus on controlling yourself and how you deal with others but don't try to force them to agree with you then you'll stick closer to assertive. If pertaining to a random topic then once you've said your piece and someone doesn't agree with you, it doesn't matter that they don't agree or that you win. You can still stand firm in what you said and let it be a difference of opinion. Now if it's pertaining to a personal boundary then they still don't have to agree with you or respect the boundary because you're the one who polices how you respond if they cross it.

In other words assertive is controlling your actions, reactions, and speaking up. Aggressive is trying to control others to abide.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I kind of experienced it at work today where after saying nope I cannot do something I relented because I felt guilty. THen I have been seething and angry all day...my own fault I know. 


I feel like I said that either I am too passive or when I do come out and say no then I feel bad ...thinking well big deal what is it going to hurt.

I think part of it is I start doubting my initial decision.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Try it in a setting that isn't personal or work.

I had an issue with my car a while ago. I'll spare the details, but I uncovered something about my car that was, at best, a failure of due diligence and, at worst, an outright fraud by the dealership at the time I purchased it. 

I never raised my voice, I never lost my cool, I stayed on the issue until it was resolved. I was upside down in my loan, but they ended up buying the car back from me for exactly what I owed after having it for over a year. 

Sometimes being assertive means knowing what to say when and when not to speak as much as it is not backing down.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am also one of those people that thinks of the perfect thing I could have said after the fact...do that all the time, simply because I did not like how I handled something in the moment.

I hate confrontation and find that if I have to do it I always backtrack after and say to the person...but don't worry I was really not that annoyed by whatever it was....becuase then I think am I coming off as too *****y and now I want to do damage repair.

It is a vicious cycle.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

These are my 2 favorite books about learning how to be assertive: 

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty - Kindle edition by Manuel J. Smith. Self-Help Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

Amazon.com: Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition eBook: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler: Books

With practice, you can learn to say anything to anyone. It is all about having the confidence to state your position calmly, honestly, and without negative emotions.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This book is great for women learning to be assertive without being aggressive or passive-aggressive.

"My Answer Is No...If That's Ok With You: How Women Can Say No And (Still) Feel Good About It" by Nanette Gartrell.
http://www.amazon.com/My-Answer-Tha...1415312104&sr=8-1&keywords=my+answer+is+no+if

I don't explain or justify why I can't do something unless it's to the head of my department. I've learned that "no" is a perfectly acceptable sentence and enough of an answer. It's not easy to do if you're used to being a people pleaser, but gets easier with time.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Well don't feel like the lone ranger highwood. I used to have the opposite problem. I'd do fine on most things but anything I was really invested in or had a strong belief about could easily send me into bulldozing/pitt bull mode. I'm a lot better at reserving that for special occasions now. Probably the same special occasions people with passive personalities have to step out of their comfort zone for.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> This book is great for women learning to be assertive without being aggressive or passive-aggressive.
> 
> "My Answer Is No...If That's Ok With You: How Women Can Say No And (Still) Feel Good About It" by Nanette Gartrell.
> My Answer is No . . . If That's Okay with You: How Women Can Say No and (Still) Feel Good About It - Kindle edition by Nanette Gartrell. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.
> ...



I downloaded that book and will read it and learn from it. I have to be conscious of what I am saying all the time. I find that it gets so easy to slip back into bad habits. I have done it all of my life where I get gung ho about something and then a couple of days later I am back to acting out old behaviours.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

skype said:


> These are my 2 favorite books about learning how to be assertive:
> 
> When I Say No, I Feel Guilty - Kindle edition by Manuel J. Smith. Self-Help Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.
> 
> ...


Yes calmly and without negative emotions is huge....I find that I often will get flustered, defensive, etc. Then I just look out of control. 

I worked with a woman who would speak her mind and then stick with it....she got respect. I would kind of waver, be wishy washy, etc. and found myself thinking well what is wrong with that..at least I am flexible in my thinking. Yet I always noticed more respect coming from others to her than to me. Yet I would think well I am the "nice" one.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I have an issue with this. I don't speak up until I'm so pissed off that I explode. I need to learn how to stick up for myself and my beliefs from the beginning. Its a difficult thing to do. I go back and forth from being too nice or *****y. There isn't much of a middle ground for me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm still learning how to be assertive rather than aggressive. The thing that has worked the best for me is remembering that peace is power. The minute you lose control of your emotions is the minute you lose the respect of the people around you. The calmer you are,the more assertive you can be without showing aggression. Another thing that has worked for me is allowing the other person to state their feelings and views first.Then instead of focusing on what I'm feeling and thinking I can focus on what they're feeling and thinking. Then when it's my turn to speak I can give them positive feedback before stating my views/feelings. They feel heard and respected. That makes it easier for them to understand me and really hear and respect where I'm coming from on a topic. 

I've started taking a more passive approach to being assertive bc I've found most people receive it better than outright assertiveness. They know where I stand but I've left just enough softness in there that they feel open enough to continue talking to me about things.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm still learning how to be assertive rather than aggressive. The thing that has worked the best for me is remembering that peace is power. The minute you lose control of your emotions is the minute you lose the respect of the people around you. The calmer you are,the more assertive you can be without showing aggression. Another thing that has worked for me is allowing the other person to state their feelings and views first.Then instead of focusing on what I'm feeling and thinking I can focus on what they're feeling and thinking. Then when it's my turn to speak I can give them positive feedback before stating my views/feelings. They feel heard and respected. That makes it easier for them to understand me and really hear and respect where I'm coming from on a topic.
> 
> I've started taking a more passive approach to being assertive bc I've found most people receive it better than outright assertiveness. They know where I stand but I've left just enough softness in there that they feel open enough to continue talking to me about things.


I agree...it is huge when someone is calm and not defensive/angry, etc.

I know too sometimes when I am stating my view point my voice gets louder and I talk faster, etc. when that happens you just look out of control and flustered.

I read some information on being assertive last night and I think what is huge is really training myself to think before I speak..I know sometimes I talk fast in order to get my point all in which again just makes me look out of control and flustered. It is worse when the other person is not really saying much then in order to fill the gaps in I yak and yak on...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can be a difficult mold to break out of, if you are a 'pleaser'.

As others have pointed out, pleaser's often think that capitulating or being accommodating will win them praise or admiration ... and frequently, just the opposite occurs.

Acknowledge that you, what you are doing, or what you need to do, are more important than whatever the other person needs.

As Coffee said, you don't need to explain, 'No'. Actually looks worse if you try to.

"Sorry, can't help you right now." or ... offer an alternative. "I'll have some time after 2 pm if that helps you." If they give you some pissy, response then you smile and say, "Oh well, good luck."

My advice would be, don't force it. If you don't have a strong opinion, don't feel compelled to have one.

I travel a great deal. I run into this frequently with my project managers. "Company X wants to start training in the UK next Monday. So go ahead and book that travel."

And when I say, "Not an option." they look flummoxed.

"In order for me to be there to start training on Monday morning, means I need to fly out Saturday night. And that's not an option."

In that case, the explanation made it clear to them why I was saying no. But the no wasn't going to change.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

highwood said:


> *I kind of experienced it at work today where after saying nope I cannot do something I relented because I felt guilty. THen I have been seething and angry all day...my own fault I know.
> 
> I feel like I said that either I am too passive or when I do come out and say no then I feel bad ...thinking well big deal what is it going to hurt.
> *
> *I think part of it is I start doubting my initial decision.*


I have a book recommendation that speaks directly to this sort of thing.. letting go of the GUILT.. and standing tall in your decisions, even IF /when it ruffles feathers, which it WILL... 

The problem with many people is... they are not boundaried themselves...and have this way of expecting more from others than they would even give or do themselves...pushing our limits.. and of course this is going to leave us , as you said.. "*seething"*..and *angry* inside... it slowly builds *resentment*! 

I had a Girlfriend who was pushing some boundaries with me, taking advantage, I didn't like it.. I got this book.. realized she was more in the wrong , I had no reason to feel guilty as I would NOT be asking those things of her (I would be more considerate).... so I had to stand up for myself.. which i did ... and let the chips fall where they may.. she did get mad at me (as this book explains will happen )...

But she got over it.. and realized.. Hey, not going to mess with SA anymore. If I offer to do something, that's one thing, but expecting me to DO it -when it's not my responsibility, I may just call you on it !... I got better at standing my ground..

I don't like feeling a growing resentment towards people in my life.. so I communicate as effectively as I possibly can , and with honesty.. to avoid these things building in me..

It's a great book.. One I lend out many yrs ago & was never returned .. but it served it's purpose. 

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life 



> Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives:
> 
> *Physical boundaries* help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances --
> 
> ...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

highwood said:


> I always admire those that are assertive and stick to their guns but do it without self doubt or guilt. For example, sometimes I agree to do something after I have told myself never again and then I am angry and venting and griping to myself afterwards. Simply because I let guilt/self doubt, etc. come into play.


I'm still feeling a bit raw as I write this. My mother and I exchanged words, on what was an already stressful day for hubs and I. Needless to say, emotions were running high. She was sitting in the car behind me and whacked the side of my seat, near my shoulder, through anger. She's not a violent person but that pushed me to my limit. I told her to cut that sh!t out and I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone. So I started out with a more aggressive tone, then took pause against my knee-jerk reaction. I didn't allow myself to be baited by what she was saying to me. Instead, I thought through what I really wanted to express and achieve from saying it. Later my husband (who was biting his tongue the whole time to just let it be between her and I), said he felt I was calm and well articulated. But do you know why he commented this in the first place? Because I asked him how I had come across... why did I ask him this? Because guilt and my old thought patterns had begun seeping back in. My husband's advise to me was for me to back myself.

In a work scenario, I recognize when I've been assertive as it's when both feel heard, included and there's mutual understanding and addressing a concern without making it personal about the other person.

Sometimes I'm assertive, sometimes I'm aggressive and blunt, sometimes I'm passive. It's a mixed bag. My guess is the more you do it, the easier it becomes.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm still feeling a bit raw as I write this. My mother and I exchanged words, on what was an already stressful day for hubs and I. Needless to say, emotions were running high. She was sitting in the car behind me and whacked the side of my seat, near my shoulder, through anger. She's not a violent person but that pushed me to my limit. I told her to cut that sh!t out and I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone. So I started out with a more aggressive tone, then took pause against my knee-jerk reaction. I didn't allow myself to be baited by what she was saying to me. Instead, I thought through what I really wanted to express and achieve from saying it. Later my husband (who was biting his tongue the whole time to just let it be between her and I), said he felt I was calm and well articulated. But do you know why he commented this in the first place? Because I asked him how I had come across... why did I ask him this? Because guilt and my old thought patterns had begun seeping back in. My husband's advise to me was for me to back myself.
> 
> In a work scenario, I recognize when I've been assertive as it's when both feel heard, included and there's mutual understanding and addressing a concern without making it personal about the other person.
> 
> Sometimes I'm assertive, sometimes I'm aggressive and blunt, sometimes I'm passive. It's a mixed bag. My guess is the more you do it, the easier it becomes.


I agree with you I think it takes practice..it is tough! Sorry to hear about your issues with your mother

Such a fine line between passive, assertive and aggressive. I think often too I am passive aggressive as per my readings in that instead of communicating my issue with someone I will act nice in front of them and then talk/run them down to someone else...that is the worst in my opinion


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Take a deep breath and keep in mind that pissing someone off is their problem not yours.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I am just now learning how to be assertive. If I have an issue with my husband, I tell him in a calm way instead of screaming at him. It's a work in progress but it's coming along


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

highwood said:


> I agree with you I think it takes practice..it is tough! Sorry to hear about your issues with your mother
> 
> Such a fine line between passive, assertive and aggressive. I think often too I am passive aggressive as per my readings in that instead of communicating my issue with someone I will act nice in front of them and then talk/run them down to someone else...that is the worst in my opinion


Props for recognizing that's what you do and that you have the desire to change that.

My mother and I hugged it out. It is what it is. I've replayed what happened in my mind and am allowing myself to be comfortable with what was expressed. It was honest. Next time I might communicate slightly differently but that's the whole thing about trying stuff out... and that's why it feels uncomfortable at times, because it's breaking out of old habits or old ways of being. Allow yourself to get it wrong if needed, and you will get it wrong, just as I do. But that's how we learn and change and hopefully grow - through the experience of doing it, of trying something new. Then let go and as SA wrote, learn to get comfortable with having the chips fall where they may.


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