# Feeling soft



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife has been good to me... and even taken a lot of initiative recently, and even risked another fight by being a mediator for me and my ethnic community despite our disagreements - despite her being an outsider. Many hate me for my decision, but not her. But she's proving to me that indeed we may have a chance to overcome our intercultural/political conflicts.

Today I took the day off and she was being so loving and passionate, yet understanding that I need my space too (and sleep! I slept in, had a few siestas, and slept like a cat probably most of the day considering I was exhausted after the last few weeks working my ass off).

I decided to just let go, relax, forget, and to just embrace what I have. Yet I feel so vulnerable, weak, and soft for doing it. To the point the thought of losing what I have became unbearable... it's like I'm starting to not hold anything back for myself. Not hardening my heart to protect myself anymore.

To gauge my own hardening I tend to meditate on the possibilities of a split, or having her leave me, or her having someone else in bed. When hardened, the thought of a split doesn't bother me or even having her leave me, I just go "meh", and when thinking of her with someone else, I even get turned on.

But today... the thought of a split ripped me apart and became unbearable, and the thought of my wife with someone else invoked jealousy, protectiveness, and pain that I never thought I could feel. To counter the negativity of my thoughts after meditating, I reminded myself that my wife is very strong, and none of those possibilities endanger us.

But realising that, makes me feel even weaker, and even inadequate - like I don't feel I deserve her. Is this normal or should I talk to my counsellor about this? I may be falling in love with her all over again. My wife doesn't seem to be turned off about this, lying in bed, her asking me what I'm thinking with my silence, me telling her how I feel about her... her 'purring' as she cuddles me...

Meh... I feel pathetic


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Pls excuse me if I asked you this in another thread already, I have had alot going on... but did you have a mom who took care of business around the home but wasnt the kind to hug or cuddle, or an absent or military dad who came home and even loved his kids, became easily irritated by kids once he realized they all dont automatically behave?

Just wondering bc your description is so clear about what may be bothering you, but its not bothering you at the same time bc your defense is to "harden" yourself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I had a father that never gave a sh-t and after their divorce I became the target of their hate as I reminded them of each other. And I had a mother who left me on the streets due to her new boyfriend leaving me to 6 years of survival in my teens.

I know very well my hardening is my defense mechanism since I was 12, it's what I did to survive, and what I do so I don't feel like that stupid naive kid again who can trust people to take care of him. 6 years on the street has taught me to need no one.

This vulnerability that my wife is evoking on me is making me feel sick, like scratching my nails on a blackboard.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I had a father that never gave a sh-t and after their divorce I became the target of their hate as I reminded them of each other. And I had a mother who left me on the streets due to her new boyfriend leaving me to 6 years of survival in my teens.
> 
> I know very well my hardening is my defense mechanism since I was 12, it's what I did to survive, and what I do so I don't feel like that stupid naive kid again who can trust people to take care of him. 6 years on the street has taught me to need no one.
> 
> This vulnerability that my wife is evoking on me is making me feel sick, like scratching my nails on a blackboard.


Of course it is. Im so sorry you had those experiences, and its so apparent why the way she is makes you uncomfortable to sickness! BUT, that is actually you healing all that hurt and confusion... in other words, its a good thing. Try to tolerate it and let her love you as that is your path to healing. What a lucky man you are to have found the person capable of loving you, for you. Go with the uncomfortableness until its replaced with a good sensation... actually the good sensation is quite possibly what is making you feel uncomfortable bc you are used to pain being associated with this, so positive un-pain is un-comfortable and nauseating. This is good... keep at it!

Im rooting for you


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That can be true but I don't sense the healing this time or good sensations, like I said it feels like scratching my nails on the blackboard. I've stopped myself from being a completely heartless machine years ago so I have no problems with being romantic or empathetic as long as it is calculated, controlled, and used for my own benefit.

But this is different, I'm out of f--king reasons to even start a fight to push her away, and even our last problem she has taken the initiative to prevent it happening again and she's getting way too close and evoking weakness. And I'm feeling I don't deserve all this crap either. Meh

Besides allowing myself to feel loved and vulnerable like this is allowing myself to feel the same pain I've buried years ago when I was a child. When I'm hardened I look back at my childhood and laugh, I envision the possibility of my wife leaving me and I laugh. With the way she made me feel today it's just sickness and pain.

Meh I don't know, thanks though. I'll have to think about this some more...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Meh, nevermind this thread. I have to protect myself, if I don't who will? My wife? Why should I give her the power to destroy me? Right now no matter what happens I'll always be fine.

I shouldn't allow myself to be so soft as to be foolishly allow myself to find security in my wife. Anything can happen including the worst, I can't be naive again


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> But today... the thought of a split ripped me apart and became unbearable, and the thought of my wife with someone else invoked jealousy, protectiveness, and pain that I never thought I could feel.


 THis is how a man who loves his wife deeply AND is in touch with his emotions should experience at such a thought. This is how my husband would feel, he is not afraid to express that to me at all, he is very vulnerable, this is not weakness, this is not pathetic , this is something you have not allowed yourself to feel , or pushed down at every turn -because of fear, because of the conditioned hardening you have had to grow up with, it has been all you know. 

There is a freedom & beauty in vulnerability of this nature, allowing yourself to express feelings like that -to someone you love, who is WORTH THAT RISK. 










You are right however... you have nothing to fear -she is NOT going anywhere, you are not throwing your love to someone who is going to trample on it. You seem to have a stronger case of abandonment issues than many with how your family life played down, and living on the streets to fend for yourself in your teens. 



> But realising that, makes me feel even weaker, and even inadequate - like I don't feel I deserve her. Is this normal or should I talk to my counsellor about this? I may be falling in love with her all over again. My wife doesn't seem to be turned off about this, lying in bed, her asking me what I'm thinking with my silence, me telling her how I feel about her... her 'purring' as she cuddles me...
> 
> Meh... I feel pathetic


I don't feel you are comfortable admitting you feel powerless to love & what it does to us.... in your head it repulses you have almost a "NEED" for another, that you are capable of being that attached, and your heart is trying to fight it. This is your issue. You've always faught againt this , it seems. 

I bet you look at yourself as a MAN -being strong and having no need of anyone, but I think your wife is looking for that MAN who NEEDS her. Feeling we don't deserve someone, especially if they have shown us more love, and patience, I feel, is pretty normal, but with their contuinued loving on us, you will overcome this ---as you open yourself up and are willing to accept that love , even expressing how deeply you feel. YIKES ! Nails on the chalkboard for you - I encourage you to go for it anyway! 

Love hearing how you felt that so strong though, that was a taste of what it needs to be...in my humble opinion, anyway.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> THis is how a man who loves his wife deeply AND is in touch with his emotions should experience at such a thought. This is how my husband would feel, he is not afraid to express that to me at all, he is very vulnerable, this is not weakness, this is not pathetic , this is something you have not allowed yourself to feel , or pushed down at every turn -because of fear, because of the conditioned hardening you have had to grow up with, it has been all you know.


I don't even believe my wife can be trusted with my vulnerability, your husband trusts you, but I can't trust my wife, no matter what she has proven to me over the years.



> There is a freedom & beauty in vulnerability of this nature, allowing yourself to express feelings like that -to someone you love, who is WORTH THAT RISK.


=/



> You are right however... you have nothing to fear -she is NOT going anywhere, you are not throwing your love to someone who is going to trample on it. You seem to have a stronger case of abandonment issues than many with how your family life played down, and living on the streets to fend for yourself in your teens.


It's not just fear but pride and self-respect. How can I respect myself if what happened in the past happens again?

As for trusting her - she has proven herself to me but one thing I learnt on the streets is not to TEMPT people to betray you. Never who I trust, it's what I trust them to do. And my wife does have a manipulative side - everyone has a bad side, how can I trust that side of her to not take advantage of my vulnerability for her own benefit in the future?



> I don't feel you are comfortable admitting you feel powerless to love & what it does to us.... in your head it repulses you have almost a "NEED" for another, that you are capable of being that attached, and your heart is trying to fight it. This is your issue. You've always faught againt this , it seems.
> 
> I bet you look at yourself as a MAN -being strong and having no need of anyone, but I think your wife is looking for that MAN who NEEDS her. Feeling we don't deserve someone, especially if they have shown us more love, and patience, I feel, is pretty normal, but with their contuinued loving on us, you will overcome this ---as you open yourself up and are willing to accept that love , even expressing how deeply you feel. YIKES ! Nails on the chalkboard for you - I encourage you to go for it anyway!
> 
> Love hearing how you felt that so strong though, that was a taste of what it needs to be...in my humble opinion, anyway


Thanks SA... though I don't know, she knows I love her, that I want her to be happy, shouldn't that be enough? Meh let's forget about this thread actually yeah?


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

This is childhood trauma talking. It's not rational. The trust issues that you had from your parents and growing up on the streets are not applicable to your wife. 

You're becoming vulnerable to her, but looking at your past threads, she is already at least as vulnerable to you. If it helps, don't think of it as putting yourself at her mercy. Think of it as mutually assured destruction. You already hold her heart in your hands. It's only fair she has yours.

Your marriage really turned a corner since new year, and I would bet a lot of this comes from your new attitude. You've solved almost all your major marriage problems, and your wife is happier than ever. Don't let childhood insecurities ruin it all for you.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> That can be true but I don't sense the healing this time or good sensations, like I said it feels like scratching my nails on the blackboard. I've stopped myself from being a completely heartless machine years ago so I have no problems with being romantic or empathetic as long as it is calculated, controlled, and used for my own benefit.
> 
> But this is different, I'm out of f--king reasons to even start a fight to push her away, and even our last problem she has taken the initiative to prevent it happening again and she's getting way too close and evoking weakness. And I'm feeling I don't deserve all this crap either. Meh
> 
> ...


Thats my point, you will not sense the healing as the healing IS the thing which is making you feel sick, the nails on the chalkboard feeling.

You know I used to look back and wonder why I wasnt aborted? My birth mom went to have an abortion (why I was told this I have no idea)... and so I always felt like I wasnt meant to be here... but stuffed that down and became super woman... I had to prove my worth... I was good dammit. So I can understand the preference to look back and laugh instead of cry, but I reframed this as I was meant to be here somehow bc id I werent, my birth mom wouldnt have been "too late" to have the abortion... hey my screen name, how appropo I became house manager extrordinaire... wife and mom know it all, make it look easy etc... bc I was so scared that if I didnt, I would be judged not good enough... It didnt help that my ex mother in law called me a lemon wife bc I had a miscarriage... as if the miscarriage itself wasnt painful enough. Now I have had 30 miscarriges... talk about nails on the chalkboard.

So, the nauseousness and chalk is the healing. It is part of this being "present" stuff.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Im sorry, I didnt mean to look as if I was trying to one up you and make this about me, even though thats exactly what just happened. Its not about me, Im learning how not to do that, talk about myself that is. next time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

dymo said:


> This is childhood trauma talking. It's not rational. The trust issues that you had from your parents and growing up on the streets are not applicable to your wife.
> 
> You're becoming vulnerable to her, but looking at your past threads, she is already at least as vulnerable to you. If it helps, don't think of it as putting yourself at her mercy. Think of it as mutually assured destruction. You already hold her heart in your hands. It's only fair she has yours.
> 
> Your marriage really turned a corner since new year, and I would bet a lot of this comes from your new attitude. You've solved almost all your major marriage problems, and your wife is happier than ever. Don't let childhood insecurities ruin it all for you.


I love this post :iagree:

And NO, Random Dude, it is not enough that she knows you love her and want her to be happy, we can get that from our mothers , you are her husband, she craves more.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I love this post :iagree:
> 
> And NO, Random Dude, it is not enough that she knows you love her and want her to be happy, we can get that from our mothers , you are her husband, she craves more.


Yes, the wife does crave more, but that is exactly what is haulting him, making him feel nauseous. From RD's point of view, its far easier to stop at this point than to continue risking, bc the fighting that could result from him stopping at this point is far easier to handle than risking vulnerability and getting hurt... even though its not fair to his wife. This is why most people receommend not continuing in a relationship with NPD or BPD... bc its unlikely to chnge as the "reward" (for the NPD/BPD) IS continuing with the fighting) is safer than having to face vulnerability and live each day with that uncomfortableness... 

I hope he chooses to, like you do wish that for him too. I also understand the hesitation...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Trenton said:


> You do have to make a conscious choice to be vulnerable here. You do have to make a conscious choice to commit. You do have to make a conscious choice to accept that you are worthy of love and sharing your life. You have to accept responsibility for your choices. You have to give yourself credit when it's due and recognize that you can't control whether or not someone chooses to stay with you. I still struggle with all of this myself.
> 
> The payoff is great if you do. The risks are worth taking. In the end, if you don't do these things you will eventually push away those you love out of fear that they will inevitably leave you anyway.


this is so true.
i have been having trouble with this myself.

randomdude, dont put yourself in my position because of these reasons.
just let things flow, have a little trust.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

If you marry it is meant to be forever. Let yourself go, and try to find the peace that a forever relationship will bring. Yes we open our selves to hurt, but perhaps the joy will be so great for you both that you will not hurt each other.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't know... it seems by being vulnerable emotionally my sex drive has also increased... alot, especially yesterday to her blissful delight. But now I'm getting ready to work and I've pulled my head out of the clouds, and I would have thought I would harden up but instead... meh...

I think I need to get away from her today, I'm not thinking straight.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I don't know... it seems by being vulnerable emotionally my sex drive has also increased... alot, especially yesterday to her blissful delight. But now I'm getting ready to work and I've pulled my head out of the clouds, and I would have thought I would harden up but instead... meh...
> 
> I think I need to get away from her today, I'm not thinking straight.


Ha ha Ha ...I love it !! We are getting to see the bad boy open up slowly but surely... you might just turn in a nice guy like my husband . His darn sex drive depends on the emotional !!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/ I'm just a realist

Been thinking about this now at work... and now she's been sending me random SMSs that I'm ignoring until lunch, just going to say "been busy" when she asks me why I haven't responded. I think I may have led her on a bit (unintentionally) by spoiling her last weekend now I hate to pop her bubble but I gotta pull her head outta the clouds somehow...

Next thing I know we'll be back to rutting 3x a day like in the past (or like yesterday)... I feel like starting a fight but I'm out of ideas and excuses for one.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I just like the man I am, I can already be romantic (in my own way - not the mushy mushy crap) and empathetic, but being vulnerable? being mushy? allowing emotions to make me fear losing her? to make me possessive of her? to get JEALOUS?

To admit such emotions with her? It's just not me! Besides how long can her bliss really last? And she may like it now but she may start getting irritated. *sigh* If I tell her my thoughts now she'll probably whack me over the head with my laptop.

I don't know, it's like a honeymoon since what I pulled on new years eve.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Oh hell what am I saying... do I want sex tonight or what? She's f--king so damn hot nowadays, the way she looks at me suggestively, the way she teases and toys with me, the way she throws her hair back as she saddles me tempting me to bite that neck...

Fine, I'll be nice, considering she's finally decided to not be lazy and actually seduce me properly. Then again... a part of me wonders if she's actually become better due to the confidence and sense of acceptance I gave her by telling her my choice on new years. Meh... we'll see


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## Unloved11 (Jan 17, 2012)

Why does it always have to be about you? Has the thought ever occurred to you that she feels the same doubts and hurts from her own past? I don't think she's the one being lazy


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Don't take everything I write here to heart.


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