# Need Help--Facebook is a curse



## azatty (Dec 28, 2012)

So, here is my situation. I am a 45 year old man in my second marriage. I love my wife more than I can ever explain. For the most part, things have been great for us and between us. The situation is this--I have been divorced for 7 years. I have had a few relationships prior to meeting my wife. I was deeply in love with one woman, or so I thought. So, this afternoon my wife went through my facebook history and say that I did a search for this ex. I did so out of morbid curiosity. I was not going to contact her or make any attempt to rekindle something. It honestly was just morbid curiosity. My wife says it's a betrayal and that it's equivalent to cheating and wants a divorce. The fb "search" was over a month ago. I have not spoken to my ex, or any other exes, since my wife and I started dating. She truly is all I think about and all I want to be with. The thing is she does not believe me and keeps saying she wants a divorce and throws things back at me, at which point I start getting angry. I hate myself for hurting her, but I didn't "cheat", I never would and I don't know what to do to make it right. Any suggestions?


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## Monarch (Dec 5, 2012)

I'd say she's looking for an out. Looking up exes on Facebook isn't a crime...it's human nature. Certainly not grounds for divorce in and of itself, IMHO. I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh though.


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## azatty (Dec 28, 2012)

Does not come across as too harsh. Thank you for the response.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I look up ex's on facebook from time to time. None of mine are on there that I can find. But I look. What's the big deal as long as you did not contact the woman and try to re-connect.

Facebook searches are not saved. So how was your wife able to find out that you did this search? 

I too think that she is just looking for a reason to split up. 

Have you looked at her facebook? Why would she want to split with you? I she up to something with someone?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Surely there has been more going wrong in the marriage than a Facebook search for your wife to demand a divorce. If the Facebook incident is truly the only thing then she appears to have a serious lack of trust in you. And if that look-up is within her definition of being unfaithful, it is likely such a strict definition that she will find you guilty of it for many other innocent actions. Is she open to counseling?


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## ChuckCanuck (Dec 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Facebook searches are not saved. So how was your wife able to find out that you did this search?


No, but browser history is. W probably looked at browser history, saw a page with the Facebook Icon or title and an ex'es name beside it.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Looking up an ex is evidence that you were thinking about the ex. Who in their right mind would be okay with their partner doing that? 

That being said, she went straight to the D word? I'd be suspicious.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

azatty, Good points made. Is there morein your broswer history than search for your ex on FB (Curse the day that that thing started)? It does seem a little extreme to have that type of reaction, I would maybe expect her to come up with "OY! whats going on here? Why look for her"? but to go from zero to divorce is a concern unless she has seen or suspects something more.
If its IS just that one incident (and I'll assume so for now) then you need to let he calm down and be honest... Show her posts here if thats required to see other take on this type of search.
People who are estranged from a partner have cerrtainly at some pint, if they have a FB account actually looked for the other party or at least thought about it it if only briefly. In some cases an minjured party will look to see how the other is getting on in the "mild" hope that their life is c**p and they have had a rough time of it... poetic justice enjoyed. Other will look and see if they have broken with the party they cheated with and enjoy the fact that they probabley have, again some poetic justice Other look to see where the other part is in the world so they hope they are not living near them. All of which gives a hurt person a feeling of justice. If this is the reason that youve set up the search then be honest with your wife and tell her you hoped to find the first wife wasnt happy etc. But let her see its an old search and that your happy for her to check at anytime in future. It could be that a person you knew whilst previously married starts a conversation and tells you all about wife 1 updates - It can and does happen, but your present wife must be assured that its not something your looking to rekindle. At the moment your presnt W feels betrayed because you went looking.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Damn Facebook. Deactivate that crap. I am guilty of this in the past also. Being bored or noisy at work I had a bad habit of doing this. My wife looked at my history and sh*t hit the fan. I deactivated my account, more trouble than its worth.
I know now how it must have looked in my wife's eyes. Go the full transparency route. She must do the same. In your case, by her reaction of divorce, I would dig into her history hard and see if she has some skeletons herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jfv said:


> *Looking up an ex is evidence that you were thinking about the ex. Who in their right mind would be okay with their partner doing that? *
> 
> That being said, she went straight to the D word? I'd be suspicious.


:iagree:

In addition he admitted that he was " deeply in love " or so he thought with this ex.

But there has to be something else that led up to his wife wanting divorce.
Either on his part , or her part.
There is a back story.
Details are missing


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Well ...I've told my husband to look up his 2 puppy love GF's, as I would LOVE to see what they look like! He wasn't in love with them though - I wish his Mom took some pics back in the day! 

I think the wife overreacted... IF this is all... has to be way more to this story than is being given here... for her to jump like that.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Facebook is not the problem, its how people use it. It exposes people who use it foolishly.

I have a nephew who is unemployed who regularly rants about issues that makes him less attractive to employers. I would like to help him get a job, but since he would make me look bad, I can't endorse him. Not FB fault.

A couple of my inlaws defriended me within a couple of days of my Wife walking away. We as a couple have worked through our issues, but I have lost all respect for the inlaws who added insult to injury with their rash decision. Not FB fault.

Like guns, FB is not the problem, it is the people who use them incorrectly.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Monarch said:


> I'd say she's looking for an out. Looking up exes on Facebook isn't a crime...it's human nature. Certainly not grounds for divorce in and of itself, IMHO. I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh though.


:iagree:


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Look in your state law to see if using Facebook is a ground for divorce. 

Also can you tell us more of your relationship, has anyone cheated before?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

From FB search of an ex to demanding a divorce?Either she's really scarred from past relationships or there's more to the story.

Getting angry is fine,it would hurt me if my SO was searching for old girlfriends on FB but I'd get over it after we talked about it.But to demand a divorce? Sounds a little like gas lighting to me.


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## azatty (Dec 28, 2012)

Toffer said:


> :iagree:


Thank you for all the posts. In response, there is nothing else to this--no messages with exes or other women, no history of cheating, etc. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't go out with the guys to bars or strip clubs. The point is this, I looked up an ex gf (and there is a lot of history there) out of morbid curiosity. She wasn't even on fb (which I know does not excuse the act of at least looking). I have made no attempts to contact her ever. I looked out of curiosity, that was it. My wife has trust issues stemming from her biological dad and stepdads. To her, what I did is tantamount to cheating and there is nothing I can do or say to convince her otherwise right now. In the past she read old txts and notes between me and my ex, notes and txts that were written before I even knew my wife existed. Even so, those notes and txts hurt her bc she saw things I wrote about someone else. I was very hurt in that relationship and betrayed. But it's been over for 5 years. Maybe I just wanted to see that my ex's life was a wreck. I honestly don't know why, but I do know that I had no desire of rekindling anything. At this point, there is no way to speak to my wife about this. She is so angry that she says she can't stand the sight of me. She is making plans to leave town with the kids while we figure out "logistics". Again, there is nothin more to this story. There is no history of cheating and infidelity. I'm just at a loss as to how to fix this and I seem to have a wife who thinks its irreparable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Forgive me for saying this but she sounds very immature and unfair.If she's getting upset with you for things you said to others before she even met you that's a huge sign of someone who needs to mature emotionally.

Will she go to therapy with you? It's SO random and strange that she's already making plans to leave and take the kids.Who does she think she is?? Honestly.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

On Facebook, go to your profile page. Click on activity. Then on that page, on the left hand side you will find "searches". You may have to click on a "more" button to find it. Facebook does store searches now, but you can delete them right from the page I directed you too also.

As far as finding old flames on Facebook, be very careful. A distant interest can turn into something more if feelings get re-stoked. I only say this because that is what happened to my husband when he had his "first" affair. We are now getting divorced. 

I still think that in your situation that the FB thing was waaayyy overreacted to.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Forgive me for saying this but she sounds very immature and unfair.If she's getting upset with you for things you said to others before she even met you that's a huge sign of someone who needs to mature emotionally.
> 
> Will she go to therapy with you? It's SO random and strange that she's already making plans to leave and take the kids.Who does she think she is?? Honestly.


I agree with Scarlet.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Borderline Personality Disorder anyone? Or is that too cliche these days?

W may have abandonment issues, victim complex, over reacting to small issues making H feel like he's walking on egg shells, etc.

Though usually BPD'ers just want to punish you forever but don't want you to leave.....


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't see her as a borderline. If she was she wouldn't actually leave,she'd torture you and hold this over your head forever. At least that's what I would have done in my earlier and unaware days as a borderline. Being older and having therapy helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Forgive me for saying this but she sounds very immature and unfair.If she's getting upset with you for things you said to others before she even met you that's a huge sign of someone who needs to mature emotionally.
> 
> Will she go to therapy with you? It's SO random and strange that she's already making plans to leave and take the kids.Who does she think she is?? Honestly.


This is spot on. My husband HAS cheated on me, and if I caught him looking up an ex on FB I would be pissed, but it certainly wouldn't be grounds for divorce!!

Have you offered to delete yourself from facebook and set up a marriage counseling session?


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## azatty (Dec 28, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> This is spot on. My husband HAS cheated on me, and if I caught him looking up an ex on FB I would be pissed, but it certainly wouldn't be grounds for divorce!!
> 
> Have you offered to delete yourself from facebook and set up a marriage counseling session?


I have deleted myself from fb. I have tried to talk to her about her reaction and he just keeps asking why I did it. My only response is "curiosity" and her reaction is "curious about what"? It is my second straight night on the couch, I have listened to endless jabs and shots from her, and now she told the kids she is taking them out of town for a week over New Year's Eve. She has told me there is no hope for us bc she doesn't trust me. The fact that I thought of someone else for a second and devoted time to search her name was such a betrayal that she will never trust me and doesn't want to be in a marriage like this. I am at a complete loss. Again, I haven't spoken to anyone, made any attempts to contact--nothing like that. All I did was perform a search over a month ago and other than that, our marriage has been perfect. I send my wife "good morning beautiful" texts every morning, bring her flowers weekly, call her and text her throughout the day, lie with her and rub her head at night, always hold her hand, bought her a car for Xmas...but now, two days after Xmas, bc I performed a search for an ex out of nothing but morbid curiosity over a month ago, I'm not the man she thought I was, she regrets marrying me, can never trust anyone again, will never marry again, and can't stand the sight of me. I have offered counseling and she said it would do no good bc I don't think I did anything wrong. I told her that I'm sorry for hurting her, I did it only out of curiosity and not to make contact (her response was that intent is irrelevant), and she said counseling wouldn't help bc I don't think I did anything wrong. I asked her if she would rethink if the counselor told her that she was overreacting and she said it would not. I am at a complete loss. I know couples that have recovered from infidelity. To me, at least, this doesn't come close. I lovey wife with all my heart, but I am finding it hard to have the strength to keep fighting and taking the blows when it seems so easy for her to walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

My own marriage ended because my ex started looking up old GF's on FB and then started having affairs with them. However, I am aware that if FB hadn't been available, its highly likely that he would have found another way to cheat. 

I've looked up ex's before, out of morbid curiousity on my end. It does not equate into you looking to have an affair.

Your wife has some serious abandonment issues. She really needs therapy, IMHO.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. Well, I really don't know what to suggest then. Maybe make a MC appt and tell her that you really want this to get fixed and will she please come with you? And then start off by telling the MC what you did and that it was a mistake and you don't want your marriage to split because of it.

Is your wife this unreasonable about other things?? This just seems SO far over the top.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

She is overreacting, but i get where she's coming from.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Azatty, I agree with Visceral and MediaGirl that you are describing an extreme fear of abandonment that likely originated in early childhood. You also are describing black-white thinking, which occurs when a person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and, in ten seconds, can recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or action.

Significantly, those two traits are common to several different patterns of personality disorder, which suggests your W may have moderate to strong traits of a PD. Yet, if that is the case, you also would be seeing a number of other dysfunctional traits. I therefore suggest, for your own peace of mind, that you see a psychologist for a visit or two (by yourself) to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. If you feel comfortable sharing more information with us, Azatty, what other red flags have you been seeing and how long have you been married to her?


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Lol wtf. It's just a facebook search. If that's the only reason for her wanting to divorce, she's crazy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree with Uptown it stems from a strong fear of abandonment. Back in the height of my BPD days had I caught my husband looking up an EX it wouldn't have gone over very well with me. AT ALL. It would have felt like a huge betrayal not a morbid curiosity. I don't know if I would have divorced him over it but it would have taken me a long time to get over it.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Your wife just wants to get out of your marriage and its an excuse,that is just insane.I look for exs what the hell because those people were part of your life. 

You need to tell your wife is she wants to walk over this she can go,because she did not want to be with you in the first place.

If still just gets to me how many people on here think a spouse has ownership on the other spouse.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by jfv:
> Looking up an ex is evidence that you were thinking about the ex. Who in their right mind would be okay with their partner doing that?


Me! I'd be okay with my partner doing that! I'm a Significant Other not the effing Thought Police!

Honest to God, people, it's a thought! A random thought! He didn't chase down his ex and try to put Tab A in Slot B!!!

OP, your W has SIGNIFICANT emotional issues (or mental problems) if she feels BETRAYED because YOU HAD A THOUGHT about someone who owns a vagina (as well as elbows, a sphincter, earlobes, eyebrows, breasts, fingernails, etc.) who ISN'T HER! That is as CRAZY as people who want to put clothing on STATUES of naked people. PEOPLE LIKE *THAT* NEED TO GET OVER THEMSELVES.

Your W needs SIGNIFICANT help! You must REALLY love her a lot to put up with her insecure RIDICULOUSNESS! Talk about Daddy issues...so because her Daddy/Stepdaddies cheated on her Mom, every time YOUR lips aren't wrapped firmly around her BUTT...you're cheating?!?

Personally, I'd take each child by one hand and very calmly exit the Crazy Train!


*


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh and btw this is why I don't snoop. I'm cool with him looking up an Ex but I don't want to know about it.


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