# Im just the step mom



## DaisyDawnS

I have an 11 year old step son who is a very sweet child. I have been married to his dad for 4 years. His ex wife has not like me from the beginning. She has made it very well known that he at the time was 8 was to not call me mom, etc. My daughter who is older now had a step mom that I loved when she would spend quality time with her. I was never jealous and was thankful for someone being good to her. 
When he is with us the mom calls and texts constantly. My husband finally put a stop to it somewhat. Now that my step son has his own cell phone he is always texting and calling her. A couple of nights ago it was 10:00pm and he is on the phone with her just chatting. I feel that I dont have a chance. To me shouldnt she encourage him that she will talk with him when he comes home to her so that we can have our time with him? Or am I wrong? I dont mind maybe once over a 3 day weekend or if necessary but not this many times. Plus I feel I get forgotton alot of the times. Mothers Day is a forgotton day for me with him. I know Im not his mother but I sure do take good care of him.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I agree with you. You are his mother. Just because you didn't give birth to him does not take away your rights of being his mother. You are married to his father.

My daughter from day 1 called my husband daddy. She was 6 years old and he was very involved in her life before we married. My daughter has often wanted to take our last name. My husband has raised my daughter while her biological father tried to ruin her life. A few years back my ex h stopped seeing my daughter altogether. My daughter is not allowed to contact her step siblings. My daughter has always called my exes wife mom, even before they married. I don't like either of them, but it didn't bother me. My daughter no longer calls her mom though.

You need to have a talk with your husband. He needs to stand up for you against his ex wife. I'm almost certain his ex w is saying bad things about you too. My ex h was always telling my daughter what an awful person I was. I never talked about my ex h to my daughter, it's a waste of breath. Eventually she figured out how malicious her biological father is and is in therapy for it. My daughter is now an adult.

My daughter refers her step father as her real father, which he is. He taught her how a real man should treat his wife.

Good luck. Hopefully this will pass and his ex w will get over her jealousy.


----------



## DaisyDawnS

Thank you for the reply. 

When I first came into his life I tried everything to make her comforatable with me being around her son who at the time was almost 8. Everytime I would mention my feelings to my new husband at the time it would end up in an argument and I always got the short end of the stick. When a situation would arise I would be handling it like a mother would and my husband would say "do you want to call your mother". It would crush me. I found myself pulling away from my step son little by little on the emotional side. I still take very good care of him and love him so much, but I feel I have to protect my heart and I so hate that. I am trying to push his mother and everything that has been said and done out of the way so that I can focus on not being so protective with my heart. 

You are blessed and again, thank you.


----------



## Honeystly

Hi, a mom here. I don't know if this will help at all, but it's hard for an ex too... even if she is a cow. When she had her son, she didn't set out to hand him off to a step-mom. Her dream was crushed and she is lashing out. I know that when my babies to my stbxh's house and the 18 year old who wrecked my marriage tries to mother them, it hurts sooo much. I want to spend time with them, yet I have to give them up to somebody else who I by no means invited or want as a part of my or their lives. See what I'm saying? Also, as a mom I don't expect a thanks, so I suppose perhaps you shouldn't either... I don't know, you sound very nice and so I wouldn't take it personally. Anybody who would be in your position would receive that treatment, I think. If she calls him, so what? When she's not calling then spend time together. I say aim for a role of a 'loving adult/mentor' in the child's life, as opposed to 'mom'. He's got a mom. If you stop trying to be mom and try to be the loving adult, perhaps the tension will resolve in the little boy. He will be able to relax, and so will mom. Maybe tell this to mom, e-mail her or something. If your a loving adult/mentor as opposed to trying to be mom, if think your stress will lower as well. The pressure won't be so intense, and the disappointment won't be either. Mother's day.... hmmm. I know it would hurt me so much if somebody tried to take that away from me. I realize many people will shout and call me bio-mom, or some other bull****, but I take care of these kids 10 out of 14 days, and that's the only thing I have left. My beautiful children. I understand you might not agree with what I'm saying and that's fine. Just my two cents. Again, don't take it personally. You can get the boy's love-perhaps not the love you want, but it can be sweet and tender too.


----------



## Corpuswife

new house rule: Cell phone use limited (shut off)

No reason to have a free for all chat session with mom or anyone ese!

You guys set the rules or allow your stepson to be in on the rule making. Explain, that the cell usage is interfering with famiy life.


----------



## notperfectanymore

DaisyDawnS said:


> Thank you for the reply.
> 
> When I first came into his life I tried everything to make her comforatable with me being around her son who at the time was almost 8. Everytime I would mention my feelings to my new husband at the time it would end up in an argument and I always got the short end of the stick. When a situation would arise I would be handling it like a mother would and my husband would say "do you want to call your mother". It would crush me. I found myself pulling away from my step son little by little on the emotional side. I still take very good care of him and love him so much, but I feel I have to protect my heart and I so hate that. I am trying to push his mother and everything that has been said and done out of the way so that I can focus on not being so protective with my heart.
> 
> You are blessed and again, thank you.


Just keep loving him...sounds like he might be having a tough time with his mom...maybe some emotional incest (nonsexual) or at least some emotional abuse going on....it might be years...but he WILL remember those that were there for him and that loved him unconditionally...trust me...just love him...it WILL be worth it


----------



## Honeystly

mother son love-emotional incest? Come on. Please. Seriously. It's called mother/son love / divorce reaction from a kid who just wants his parents back. Don't you know that is the delusion kids work on? Then the new marriage partner destroys that fantasy. Why make out a mother/son relationship as something sick? Spoken like a stepmom.


----------



## Honeystly

notperfectanymore, do you have your own biological children?


----------



## EleGirl

Honeystly said:


> mother son love-emotional incest? Come on. Please. Seriously. It's called mother/son love / divorce reaction from a kid who just wants his parents back. Don't you know that is the delusion kids work on? Then the new marriage partner destroys that fantasy. Why make out a mother/son relationship as something sick? Spoken like a stepmom.


Yea that comment hit me too. It's really out of line.


----------



## notperfectanymore

I am so very sorry if I upset any of you...was not my intention...what I was trying to say...

I know too many children who have "troubled parents". My nephew is one of them. If he isn't in constant communication with her, his life is hell. He responsible for her emotions, happy, sad, etc. Kids like this also get in trouble for being close to anyone but this parent. The are forced to treat people badly to make mom happy. 

What I was trying to say is just be there for him when he needs you, unconditional love kind of thing...he is probably just having regular kid separation issues and hopefully not having crazy mom issues. 

Again, that was not my intention to upset anyone, I apologize.


----------



## notperfectanymore

I am putting out the definition of emotional incest just to clarify...again, not meaning to upset anyone...you sound like a great step mom. I hope this child ISN"T suffering this.

Covert incest - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## ScarletBegonias

being a stepmother to a child with a bitter mom was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.Ultimately,that whole dynamic was a big reason I left.I simply couldn't take it along with all the other things that were wrong in the marriage.
She was really big on parental alienation,which is frowned upon by the court system if you can keep a detailed journal with dates and such to prove this is taking place.


----------



## Holland

You are not his mum, you never will be. 

I would be horrified if my ex's partner wanted our children to call her mum, it is just weird.
Similarly I do not expect to be a mum to my SOs children.

Step parents need to understand their boundaries, you are a support person, a bonus adult but you will never be the child's parent.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My husband is so much more then a father to my first born then her biological father is as her step father even though he is not blood related. 

We never spoke ill words about my ex h, but all my ex did was try to destroy my daughters life. He really did, her biological father destroyed her emotionally, as my husband is working very hard showing my daughter what a real man is, what a real father should act like. Then my ex did the unthinkable. He shut my daughter out of his life and she no longer is allowed to talk to her siblings from her step mother. You can imagine what this poor child went through and the rejection she felt. The courts would not allow me to stop visitation with him, ever, I could of stopped this. My daughter is an adult now and in intensive therapy for what her biological father did. My daughter long ago wanted my husband to adopt her. It didn't work out, my ex h refused even though he wanted nothing to do with my daughter and this was after he emotionally destroyed her. My husband always was very fair to her no matter how tough she was acting. My husband sat with her every night helping her succeed with honors in high school. Lettering 3 times in 3 different areas, becoming a part of the debate team, helping her follow her dreams in theatre. My husband showed up for every sports game, debate, play, band/choir concert, ect. Her biological father went to nothing, although invited. He said after school activities and sports are a waste of time. My daughter had emergency surgery, her biological father never showed up or called to see how she was doing as her step dad was always by her side every step of the way. We raised her to the best of our abilities.

You are her mother too. It sounds like you love this boy and that's wonderful. Even if he doesn't call you mom at the moment, keep treating him as your own. The boys mother will most likely remarry as well. If its soon, this boy will call him dad. Be there for your step son with your husband as much as possible. He'll love the support from everyone.

My neighbor across the street has major issues with her step kids as well. Their mother speaks ill words about her. These kids mother is remarried. My neighbor is a wonderful parent to all 6 children combined. I often hear the struggles she goes through. 

We all have struggles of our own and we deal with them the best we can. I wish you the best of luck. It's very hard on the children no matter how good or bad the situation is when there is a divorce.


----------



## Michael A. Brown

Just do your trust as his stepmother and ignore what her mother is doing. She is just trying to annoy you since she don't like you.


----------



## Athena1

Honeystly said:


> mother son love-emotional incest? Come on. Please. Seriously. It's called mother/son love / divorce reaction from a kid who just wants his parents back. Don't you know that is the delusion kids work on? Then the new marriage partner destroys that fantasy. Why make out a mother/son relationship as something sick? Spoken like a stepmom.


I agree that that quote was out of line, but so is "Spoken like a stepmom." It's not fair to use stepmom as an insult. It's a very hard job, and most of us are just doing the best we can with a situation we inherited.


----------



## Athena1

With regards to the original post, I think you're expecting too much validation from the child. I think allowing the child to handle his feelings the way he needs to is best, as long as he knows you're there when you need him. 

Ultimately, as the adult in the relationship, the onus on you is to provide your own self-love, and the love you give to your stepson is a wonderful gift but only if it remains unconditional. 

I do think your husband should be pulling more of the emotional weight here though. My husband gets me a small mother's day gift or card because he recognizes what I do and how hard it is for me. I also tell him when it is just too hard to be a stepmom today, and I need a little time-out. 

Being a step-mom is so hard. SO hard. And we get little support. I hope your husband is able to help you more here, and I also hope you're able to look after your own needs too. But I would strongly advise you not to look to the step-child to fill any of your emotional needs.


----------



## Bobby5000

I know a son of a close friend whose parents had an acrimonious divorce. After a few drinks at a wedding we talked, I was amazed at how much he knew and understood about both parents. 

I would just keep going, try to do what's right, you sound like a nice person, and maintain a relationship with him. My step son said I am closer than his natural father but that just came about, I tried not to discourage him from a relationship with his natural father. 

You should assume your step son now or in the future will figure things out and appreciate the love of someone who stayed with it, and be angry at someone who trying to make him unhappy for her own purposes.


----------



## Snookums

I can completely relate to how you feel. There is a quote I've been seeing around lately that goes "A step parent is special because they chose to love a child that's not theirs when they didn't have too"

Being a step parent can be a very hurtful role in the family, I speak from experience. I am constantly referred to as 3rd party interference when all I've done is just try to be a friend to my future step kids. I've been involved in their lives for the last 6 years and I am still looked at as an outsider & stranger.

We have the same problem with the mother/son phone contact ourselves too. Step son was doing great and actually started to become close to me until I think mom realized it then after that we noticed constant texting & calls between mom & son while he would be at our house. It ultimately ended up undoing all the good progress we had made and the son pulled away from me BIG TIME.

They should only realize how special they really are to have so many parents that care for them when there are so many children in the world that don't have any.


----------



## TrustInUs

I once heard on Dr.Phil, I believe it was, that if you come into a child's life after age three, you can't expect to be the mom/dad, but you can be a parental figure. I can understand her not wanting him to call you mom, and she is probably hurt, not that it's an excuse.

I think as long as you are respected in your home by your husband and step child as a parental figure (and her for that matter), all you can do is try to be a positive role model in his life.

Don't try to label his relationship with his mom, or come in between it because that is the worse thing you can do for your relationship with your stepson.

I am a mom and step mom as well, although the dynamics of our family is a bit different than yours, I was the ex at one time.


----------



## turnera

Any person has the right to set the rules in their own house about how often a child uses a cell phone.


----------



## flowerbabe45

no offence, but you sound a bit bitter in regards to stepmothers. I too am "just a stepmom" and will tell you I have never expected or asked my stepchildren to call me Mom BUT it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to know that I am the primary "Mother" figure in their life (their mother has chosen to live abroad) and I do all the "Mothering" but will never hear the endearing word of "Mom" spoken to me without the word Step in front of it. Again, that is totally up the the individual child and NOT the birth mother or the stepmother to decide. After all, this isn't as much about us BUT the children being comfortable.


----------



## flowerbabe45

couldn't agree more. We are an important part of their lives as well and I can speak for myself, that I love my stepchildren as if they were my own. I do not have any of my own children but as a product of an unloving home with parents that were not loving (and married) I would have given anything to have not only 1 Mom to love me but 2....that would be amazing.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

Holland said:


> You are not his mum, you never will be.
> 
> I would be horrified if my ex's partner wanted our children to call her mum, it is just weird.
> Similarly I do not expect to be a mum to my SOs children.
> 
> Step parents need to understand their boundaries, you are a support person, a bonus adult but you will never be the child's parent.


:iagree: 
*Plus the childs' father even tells him to ask his mother about issues. You should be glad the child has a mother who cares. The mother is in his life and you can't just cut her out. You are his fathers' wife not his mother. The only thing you can be to him is an adult friend. Both the mother and father are a very important part of his life. The mother does not know anything about you . I am guessing you have never been a mother. You knew before you married the man had a child. For some children , the stepmother is just daddys' wife. The boy is young and is blessed to have both his parents. It would be another thing if this mother was MIA. Don't make a big deal about this around the house. You husband is able to call the child when he is with his mother. You need to love the child without putting pressure on him. The father got him a cell phone so the ex does not have to call the house phone. If his father does not have a problem with it, you need to relax. *


----------



## daisygirl 41

You are not his mum so you need to get over that one. I have a step dad. Been my step dad for 26 years. I love him dearly but I have NEVER called him dad. I had a real dad. 
As far as Mother's Day is concerned I think your H should make sure he buys you a card and a small gift, he's to young to do that and probably wouldn't want to betray or hurt his mums feeling by taking the lead in that.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, keep it up, but you must realise, he has a mother, and that will always be the case.
The cell phone use needs to be addressed though. Get your H to sort it out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## krismimo

It's not an easy thing to get over I get tired of hearing that. As for him calling you mom well it all depends on the relationship what I did was I left it up to them. If they wanted to call me mom fine if not they just called me by my first name. It is hard, awkward down and dirty it is not for the faint of heart and to my fellow step moms you have my sympathy you didn't ask for it sometimes your constantly disrespected and god forbid you ask to be respected and set rules then its ww 3. It is tougher when your husband doesn't have your back it is so important to be on the same page. I'm blessed to not have that problem but trust me I know all about baby momma drama, in law drama and just plain drama.... I use to feel guilty for loving my husband and his kids because it was other people mainly their mother wanting me to feel this way. You keep your head up trust yourself and set some rules between you and husband. He needs to work with you for the long haul. Best wishes and always know your not alone.


----------



## mrstj4sho88

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I agree with you. You are his mother. Just because you didn't give birth to him does not take away your rights of being his mother. You are married to his father.
> 
> My daughter from day 1 called my husband daddy. She was 6 years old and he was very involved in her life before we married. My daughter has often wanted to take our last name. My husband has raised my daughter while her biological father tried to ruin her life. A few years back my ex h stopped seeing my daughter altogether. My daughter is not allowed to contact her step siblings. My daughter has always called my exes wife mom, even before they married. I don't like either of them, but it didn't bother me. My daughter no longer calls her mom though.
> 
> *Wrong the mother is apart of this young childs' life. The child has both his parents . OP can not make the child call her mother (it should be the childs' choice). This child needs OP to be understanding. It sounds like the child spends time with both parents. Not all children are happy to have a stepmother. OP should be the bigger person here. JMO OP comes across as not being understanding to the childs needs. IMHO if you are a step parent don't put pressure on a child to call you mom/dad . *
> 
> You need to have a talk with your husband. He needs to stand up for you against his ex wife. I'm almost certain his ex w is saying bad things about you too. My ex h was always telling my daughter what an awful person I was. I never talked about my ex h to my daughter, it's a waste of breath. Eventually she figured out how malicious her biological father is and is in therapy for it. My daughter is now an adult.
> 
> My daughter refers her step father as her real father, which he is. He taught her how a real man should treat his wife.
> 
> Good luck. Hopefully this will pass and his ex w will get over her jealousy.


*It is some jealousy going on but not from the mother. The only jealousy here is the stepmother hating on a bond between a mother and child. This has nothing to do with the ex calling the home. The father has already got the child a cell phone. OP should stop looking for trouble and relax. What is the real issue here? Does OP not feel the mother should have contact with child? *


----------



## mrstj4sho88

TrustInUs said:


> I once heard on Dr.Phil, I believe it was, that if you come into a child's life after age three, you can't expect to be the mom/dad, but you can be a parental figure. I can understand her not wanting him to call you mom, and she is probably hurt, not that it's an excuse.
> 
> I think as long as you are respected in your home by your husband and step child as a parental figure (and her for that matter), all you can do is try to be a positive role model in his life.
> 
> Don't try to label his relationship with his mom, or come in between it because that is the worse thing you can do for your relationship with your stepson.
> 
> I am a mom and step mom as well, although the dynamics of our family is a bit different than yours, I was the ex at one time.


:iagree:


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My husband is my daughters step daughter. He did a fantastic job in raising her. We don't view him as a step dad, but rather her father. When he married me, he took on the role as her father and was a very good role model with excellent discipline tactics.


----------



## Miss Taken

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband is my daughters step daughter. He did a fantastic job in raising her. We don't view him as a step dad, but rather her father. When he married me, he took on the role as her father and was a very good role model with excellent discipline tactics.



Yes, but your circumstances sound a lot different than the OP's. He came into her life at a much earlier age and (no offense to natural dad or you) but natural dad sounds like a douche-canoe. In your case, your husband was the only real father in your daughter's life and did a good job. 

In OP's case, the son was older when they met - 8 years old, and natural mom sounds like she has primary custody since they have step-son 3 days a week and sounds like a decent enough mom. In this case, OP will never be "mom" but in your case, your hubby definitely is "dad".


----------



## mrstj4sho88

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband is my daughters step daughter. He did a fantastic job in raising her. We don't view him as a step dad, but rather her father. When he married me, he took on the role as her father and was a very good role model with excellent discipline tactics.


*The topic is about a child who already has both parents . It is not the samething. The OP had a problem with the mother calling the house. The father has gotten the cell phone . The childs' mother and father may have already come to agreements about their child. Before the OP got married ,she should have asked details about the childs' arrangements. This child is lucky to have both parents . OP needs to allow the childs father to handle things. In your case ,you were both father/mother until you got married. *


----------



## girl friday

Your step child already has two parents and doesn't need another (and when thy get older they don't want another either).

Unfortunately as a step parent you will always be on the outer and every birthday, graduation, wedding, mothers day you will be reminded of this. I have learnt this lesson the hard way and its the most difficult lesson about being in a blended family that I have had to learn. I have no more say in my step kids lives than I do in my neices or nephews lives. I certainly have a say in the "house rules" and how things operate within the house but anything else is not my domain. Concentrate on the positive and create a relationship based on friendship and respect and forget the negative as you are only going to end up causing yourself a lot of hurt.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

When you marry someone who brings a child into the marriage, you take on the role of the parent while the children are in the home. The rules for the children should also be agreed upon both the husband/wife and step parent. 

I do not believe the children should be overruling the step parent and should be respectful. I know it's mostly not the case as children can be extremely difficult to raise. My oldest child was not nearly a walk in the park to raise. In fact, she was a very difficult child to raise and always challenging us.

Children need to respect their elders. You don't see this too often anymore and their attitudes are awful. My daughter was 6 when my husband and I married. She is almost 19 and moved out nearly a year ago. She did not like the rules we have while living under our roof rent free.

Before we moved out of the city(11 years ago), there were a group of 20-25 11-13 year olds. I was walking my new infant in a stroller. They were harassing me and demanding money from me. After I told them to leave me alone I was called every curse word possible. Luckily I was nearly home and quickly went in the house. I lived in a very nice neighborhood also. I'm so glad I live where there is many acres in between each house. I'd prefer to not have any neighbors at all. The kids around here like to blow up mail boxes or chop them down. There are kids causing trouble everywhere and need to have more discipline from their parents.


----------

