# Is second guessing normal as the wedding approaches?



## 1500 (May 21, 2019)

My (third) wedding is in July. I find myself second guessing as the date approaches. Is it normal to second guess suddenly?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I just had a PTSD attack even reading the words “third wedding”.

Do you really have to get legally married? Can’t you just be committed without the state writing you a license? Have the wedding ceremony but don’t bother filing the documents?

I know third time might be the charm and I don’t mean to sound negative. But the divorce rate on third marriages is so dismal, it’s really hard for me to see a reason to do it again (I’ve been divorced twice). I can see myself committing to one person completely without the license though. 

Tell us more about your second thoughts.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You apparently have more experience than us ....... You tell us !!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would love to help but I'm not normal.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

What is causing you to second guess 

The words "third wedding" 

How long were each of the 
other marriages and what caused
them to end ? Where you cheated 
on ? I am not saying you should 
not get married. If you are 
having second thoughts because
of the first two, maybe postpone 
this one. Or just be together and
enjoy life together.

Skipping the entire legal process
doesn't mean you do not love and
care for each other. Many couples
just live together now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have done it three times. (hence my user name) Yes it is normal to second guess, and probably very wise. What are the issues making you second guess this? Why do you feel that this time would be different than the first two? 

I have the world's worst man picker. My first two husbands, while very different starting out the first few years, ended up being very similar after years went on. I filed divorce in both cases. My third, lasted just under a year and was my biggest mistake ever. He was my very first love from way back, and had just finalized his divorce from his wife of over 20 years (who I also knew) when we got together. He wanted to propose to me after less than a month! I argued against it at first, but eventually got all caught up in his excitement. Made him wait two months to ask, but then we married after being together about five months. HUGE mistake. I didnt know him like I should have to make that kind of commitment. He ended up in an EA with his first wife and divorced me to remarry her. 

So tread carefully. I will likely never marry again, but I DO want to find my forever person. We dont have to marry to be forever. Being married was the only thing I ever knew for certain that I wanted in my adult life, and have had nothing but failure at it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I just had a PTSD attack even reading the words “third wedding”.
> 
> Do you really have to get legally married? Can’t you just be committed without the state writing you a license? Have the wedding ceremony but don’t bother filing the documents?
> 
> ...



I'm with you. I've also been divorced twice and while I'm not opposed to being married again I'd have to think about.

I could see maybe doing it for legal reasons, but I think I'd skip the wedding part.

I do think a big question for the OP to ask is whether she really understands why she's twice divorced. In my case I've had a lot of counseling and now have more confidence in my ability to pick a good partner (my two exes were poor matches and there were things I could've done differently).

But I'd still have to think long and hard about getting married again.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would have to put it up to a vote.

All those voices in my head never agree on anything.

My problem, not yours, solved.

Your wedding is set for July.

Study up on this latest candidate....quickly.


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## 1500 (May 21, 2019)

It's not as bad as it looks. 

My first marriage I was dragged kicking and screaming down the aisle. There was no second guessing I knew I didn't want to marry her. We were married for 2 years (age 18-20). My XW was pregnant and both of our families pushed for marriage. We loathed each other and it was a wretched marriage. My fiancée encouraged a relationship and we're friends now. 

My second marriage was very fast. We were in the blissful honeymoon period. I didn't second guess prior to marriage, nor did I have buyers remorse after marriage. We were married for 14 years (21-35). She passed away 7 years ago. It was a good marriage.

I have never cheated, nor am I aware of ever being cheated on. 

My fiancée wants to be married. This will be her first marriage (second engagement). Our relationship is completely different than my previous marriages. 

The statistics on third marriages is one reason I'm having second thoughts. My family has been through enough without another loss down the line.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

1500 said:


> It's not as bad as it looks.
> 
> My first marriage I was dragged kicking and screaming down the aisle. There was no second guessing I knew I didn't want to marry her. We were married for 2 years (age 18-20). My XW was pregnant and both of our families pushed for marriage. We loathed each other and it was a wretched marriage. My fiancée encouraged a relationship and we're friends now.
> 
> ...


Have you discussed your second thoughts with your fiancee ?
How long have you currently been engaged ?

Sorry to hear about your second wife. Sounds like you
were really happy. Since the first one was forced and
pushed, and the second ended sadly maybe try again.

Thanks for the additional information.


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## 1500 (May 21, 2019)

sa58 said:


> Have you discussed your second thoughts with your fiancee ?
> How long have you currently been engaged ?


We are very open with each other. We have talked in great detail about my second thoughts. She wasn't having any and now she is nervous. Her previous engagement was called off 1 week before the wedding. 

We have been together for 4 years. Engaged for 14 months.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am very sorry to learn of the loss of your second wife.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Thanks for the details.....they make a lot of difference.

I too had a quick first marriage.....military forced it with a move. I get you there....they count but they don't.

Your second ended with her passing as opposed to a divorce, so nothing foreboding about that.

Your odds are better then most here.....give it a shot. I think some nervousness is normal.

Sorry to hear about your second wife.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

1500 said:


> We are very open with each other. We have talked in great detail about my second thoughts. She wasn't having any and now she is nervous. Her previous engagement was called off 1 week before the wedding.
> 
> We have been together for 4 years. Engaged for 14 months.


Just my viewpoint.

Since you and your first wife did not want 
to get married and knew it would probably 
end, I would not count that one. It was forced.

Your second marriage was great and ended sadly.
You would still be married if it had not probably. Correct ?
You are actually a widower since your second wife 
passed. 

Since you and your fiancee are open and have discussed
everything, 4 years together, engaged 14 months. She even 
encouraged a friendship with your first ex. Sounds like you two
will be great together. 

I don;t think third marriages statistics even apply to you 
and her. 

Just my viewpoint 

Sounds like true love.

Honeymoon plans ?

Take care


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think if one of your marriages ended by death of spouse, that's not the same statistics then for a 3rd marriage.

So that changes my answer a bit (and very sorry for your loss).

I still don't see a big reason to do it, especially since it sounds like your fiance wants it more than you do.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

1500 said:


> My (third) wedding is in July. I find myself second guessing as the date approaches. Is it normal to second guess suddenly?


So normal it's a trope.
I know I'm done with weddings, but I have much different issues than you. 4 years together you should know your own heart, you're no rookie.


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## 1500 (May 21, 2019)

My second thoughts:

1. The statistics.

2. This is the only relationship I have had since my second wife passed away. I wasn't planning on dating or finding someone else. I wasn't looking and then my fiancee entered my life. 

3. If my second wife were still alive I would be with her. If she miraculously came back to life I would leave to be with her in a second. 

4. This is my fiancee's first marriage. I have previous experiences that I've learned from. She doesn't have the same. She is a single mom and the father isn't involved. She hasn't had to share childcare and household duties in previous relationships. 

5. Merging our families is a concern. My fiancee has one daughter (14). I have a child with my first wife (24). I have children with my second wife (16, 14, 9, 7). I have been my nephews (age 4) caregiver since he was born and we plan to adopt him together. My fiancee's daughter and my kids get along well. However we don't technically live together yet. My fiancee and her daughter have their own space to retreat to when needed. We are in the process of building a house together and it is almost complete. 

6. I'm concerned that my children will begin acting out and intentionally try to damage my new marriage. It is not a problem right now. I don't want my children to ever feel that I am replacing their mom. My fiancee is mindful of that and doesn't want to erase or replace their mom. She embraces her memory and story. 

7. My fiancee's previous engagement ended, because of the reason below. 

8. The big one. I can count on one hand the number of times my fiancee and I have had sex. When my fiancee gave birth to her daughter there was medical malpractice and bad luck. She had a lot of damage and has nerve pain. She takes medication to lessen the pain and had a few surgeries to repair some of the damage. Sex, oral and touching can't be done because it's extremely painful for her. Even getting turned on can be painful. She will suffer through sex but I don't want that. It's excruciating for her. Our sex life consists of her giving me oral. It's very often, good and I'm not complaining about that. I want to be intimate with my wife and that looks very different with my fiancee. I'm questioning whether what we have is enough and will be enough for the rest of my life. I was out with friends recently and while talking to a woman I had a moment of considering having sex with her. I didn't, nor have I ever cheated on anyone. I don't know if I can be in a "sexless" marriage. I was fine with what we have up until the last few months. I have been noticing other women significantly more than before. 

My fiancee is a beautiful person inside and out. I don't think I'd ever find a better, more kind, more caring, more attentive person. She inspires me to be better. We have shared hobbies and found new hobbies to love together. She's my best friend and that is something I haven't had in a spouse before. Our fights are mild and always end in us laughing. She is breathtakingly gorgeous. She loves my kids, and that was something that was very important to me. She treats them as her own. She wanted a big family and embraced mine as her own. She found the perfect place between loving and caring for my children without overstepping on their boundaries. Her relationship with my kids ranges from respecting her as my new STB-wife, to calling her mom and having a very close mother-child relationship. She takes the time to customize and nurture each relationship. I couldn't ask for a better (step)mom for my kids. She is my best friend and an amazing mother-figure to my kids. I don't know if I see her as "wife". I love her and I'm in love with her. She completes my family but I don't know if I see her as a wife because it looks a little bit different.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

From what you've described, the statistics about a third marriage are probably insignificant compared to the other stuff. Whether this is your first or third marriage, I don't think that will matter. The other things you've described can be big challenges. It sounds like you are well aware of the possible difficulties, so you can hopefully take them in stride when they come up. Without a doubt, there will be problems blending the families. Without a doubt, intimacy will be a problem at some point. How healthy the marriage is will be highly dependent on how you tackle those situations. 

If you love her and are willing to take a chance, then go for it. Maybe it won't work out. Oh well. At least you gave it a shot and hopefully had some fun along the way. But maybe it will work out and you'll spend a lifetime together. I see your marriage as if you said you wanted to do something difficult like run a marathon or climb a mountain. I say go for it, but realize it's going to be challenging and you'll have to overcome a lot along the way. Maybe if you're the type who expects everything to be rainbows and unicorns, then I might want you to reconsider since it's certainly not going to be like that.

One thing you would really need to make sure of is that her daughter does not feel left out. Her being 14 means that emotional turmoil is expected even in the best circumstances. Make sure the relationship with her mom stays strong and that she feels fully part of the family.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

1. Be the right statistic...

2. These can be the best...

3. Troubles me a little... are you sure your heart is right for this marriage?

4. Don't doubt her experiences... each of you have different ones, not inferior ones.

5. Of course there will be adapting and change, what a great way to teach respect and boundaries to your children.

6. Your actions will set the pace for their actions... they will follow your every move at those ages so be sure your words and deeds match.

7/8. Troubles me a lot... not her but your desires for others than her being so strong. Everyone can recognize attractiveness, but to fantasize at that level is setting your marriage up for failure and you will hurt her deeply if she learns she is not enough or you succumb to such unmindful desires. Your scenery is set... if you cannot change your eyes and understand your heart, you should not marry.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well that just changes everything. Still after 4 years it is high time you know your heart.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

As I posted earlier 3rd marriage statistics don't apply
to you and her. For the reason's you stated. Your 24 
yo child is an adult an should be starting his own life 
and family. It sounds like your fiancee is not in any way
trying to replace your second wife. She seems to 
be able and willing to make her own place in their life.

The blending of the families may or may not turn out to
be a problem. Currently you have been taking care of
5 kids. ( your four and nephew ) Your fiancee has been 
taking care of one. ( hers ) When you are married and living 
together that will be a total of 6. That is really a lot to deal
with on a daily basis. Different ages, needs, and wants. 
It is not impossible but can be stressful at times. 

I think you and her love each other a great deal. I think you and
her can overcome the blending of the families. 

The big one as you said is a major concern however in my viewpoint.
You have been noticing other women already and even for a second
considered having sex with someone else. You did not cheat on her 
which is really great and shows strong moral character. 

" I don't know if I see her as wife " " I love her and I am in love with her "
" I don't know if I see her as a wife because it looks a bit different "

These statement worry me however about your marriage working. 
Sorry but no other way to say this but how do you really see her ?
As a friend who you can trust and lean on ? I am wondering because 
it would not be fair to either of you if you don't see her as your wife.
Not fair to her since she seems to be trying to be STB wife, stepmom
and everything else.

I don't think your second thoughts are about blending families, or 3rd marriage 
stats. but rather a possible sexless marriage. Since you have been noticing 
other women and even thought about sex with someone else. 

Given this new information maybe you should consider postponing the 
wedding. If their is any thought that you may cheat in the 
future ? You are staring a new family, 6 kids, a loving and caring wife,
new house. 

She seems to be doing all that she can. She cannot help what happened 
to her. How it ends or lasts is entirely up to you. No marriage is perfect.
I have been married for over 30 years, and still trying to get it right.

Right now I think you need to consider the one big issue and forget the rest.
Can you deal with that, the rest will take care of its self. 

I don't mean to be rude or offend you in anyway. This is just my viewpoint.
This is a hard choice to make, giving up on someone you love, or possibly
hurting them in the future.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Get out. The sex thing is too big of a problem.

Sorry.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Get out. The sex thing is too big of a problem.
> 
> Sorry.


I hate to admit this, but I agree. I personally can relate how much you WANT this to not matter, but in reality, it just DOES.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

1500 said:


> We are very open with each other. We have talked in great detail about my second thoughts. She wasn't having any and now she is nervous. Her previous engagement was called off 1 week before the wedding.
> 
> We have been together for 4 years. Engaged for 14 months.


I think that after 4 years you should know if she is the one for you and whether you want to marry her. I married after 9 months with my second husband and I never had cold feet. 
I do feel for your fiancé, how horrible for her to be let down to close to the wedding. 

If it is JUST the fact that not many third marriages work out, then go ahead. If its more than that and you are not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this lady then you shouldn't go ahead. You need to find out what is happening here and why you are having cold feet. 
I can fully understand her wanting to marry, she hasn't been married before and marriage is far more than just living together.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I don't see the sex issue as necessarily a show-stopper. Many traditional couples have intimacy problems later in the relationship. I might prefer a relationship where I get eager BJ's versus one where I have sex with an indifferent partner. A big conditional here is her attitude and motivation to maintain intimacy even though she's not getting a traditional benefit from it. And I'm just throwing this out to brainstorm, but there are non-traditional lifestyles where you wouldn't necessarily have to go without. Obviously that can bring a lot of complications, but some people seem to make it work. Even if you don't go that route, there are lots of things you can do together that would provide a lot of sexual intimacy so you wouldn't necessarily have to feel like you're missing out.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you have a lot of kids, which will affect your future prospects. It sounds like she is a wonderful parent and is eager to join your family. How likely are you to meet someone else like that? Be sure you look at the big picture to see all the benefits of your marriage rather than focusing on one aspect that may not be perfect.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Have you discussed the possibility of anal sex? She likely uses those muscles regularly and should know if this is a possibility. If so, would this change your view of sex with her?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OP, I’m sorry I should be less direct.

But what you are describing sounds like it will end up in a lot of frustration and pain for both of you.

If you didn’t have much of a sex drive it might be ok. Or if you both were able to make your sex life into something more creative than the norm. 

But that’s not what seems to be coming through. And you are reluctant for other reasons.

At least put off the wedding until you are not reluctant. If you’re going to get married, you both deserve to feel incredible and sure about it. Ideally you would be both so clear and sure that you felt nothing but happy anticipation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You certainly don't have a sexless relationship do you. How sad that her first fiancé abandoned her for that. Its not like she could help it. 

If you think you cant be faithful then don't get married. An unfaithful man isn't worth having to be honest.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You certainly don't have a sexless relationship do you. How sad that her first fiancé abandoned her for that. Its not like she could help it.
> 
> If you think you cant be faithful then don't get married. An unfaithful man isn't worth having to be honest.


And even if he is faithful but he just isn’t happy and sexually longs for other women, like he is starting to do now, that’s not fair to her either.

She will need to find a man who for his own reasons wants or needs a sex life like the one she is capable of.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

No, if you love her and really want to be married, there would be no second thoughts.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@1500,

The title of your thread caught my eye, because I'm getting married for the third time myself this Saturday...but I'm not second guessing so I was wondering what's going on. 

Then I read the rest of your posts, and we have some surprising similarities. My first marriage was my mistake. I was young--he was cute--it was something I wanted and he didn't and he made it clear--and eventually he cheated on me. My second marriage was loving and happy, but he passed away in 2017. Like you, I figured I was one of the lucky ones who found the kind of love most hope for, so I figured I'd spend the rest of my life single and happy. And then I met my soon-to-be! We sincerely started off as best friends and I invited him to my cousin's wedding last summer...now here we are about to be married. 

So if I may, here are my thoughts on your second thoughts:



1500 said:


> 1. The statistics.


For every statistic indicating XX% of third marriages don't survive, there's an equal statistic that 100-XX% of third marriages DO survive! (70% don't survive means that 30% do.) So you'll be part of the 30%. I don't really stress on this too much except to say that it's wisdom to choose wisely...and that is true whether it's your first or your fourth! I say take what you can learn from these kinds of numbers, and move on. 



> 2. This is the only relationship I have had since my second wife passed away. I wasn't planning on dating or finding someone else. I wasn't looking and then my fiancee entered my life.


I can really relate to this--it's the only relationship I've had too. But for me, I don't do the Comparison Dance, so I wouldn't want a bunch of dates to compare people and then "pick one." When I do date people, I tend to date one-at-a-time and keep going until such time as there is a deal-breaker issue...or until it becomes clear they're a keeper and get exclusive. It's just the way I'm wired. 

So the fact that this is the only relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. You've been around the block a time or two--you know what's good for you in a partner and what's not. 



> 3. If my second wife were still alive I would be with her. If she miraculously came back to life I would leave to be with her in a second.


This concerns me. It sounds like you have your second wife on the "Angel Pedestal" and I have bad news for you--she wasn't perfect...just like your fiancee isn't perfect. I am in your shoes--I won't talk poorly of the dead and I'll offer the respect they deserve--but I am still alive and my head isn't wishing for the past. Is yours? 

If my Dear Hubby had never passed away, I would never have looked at another man. Why would I? We were ecstatically married! But he is NOT alive and he did NOT want me to waste away pining for him. He specifically told me to not be one of those widows that dresses in black for the rest of my life. I also tried not to make a shrine of "the past" or think back with only rose-colored glasses. Respect? YES, you bet! But he was a human with flaws and faults just like the rest of us. 

Thus it does concern me that it sounds like there is a part of your heart that is still holding onto the past you miss, and thinking of that past maybe ahead of the present and future. It would be worth your while to investigate this. I think part of the reason I don't have second doubts is that if my Dear Hubby were to miraculously come alive today, I think he'd be proud of me for not getting stuck in grief and living an amazing life. 



> 4. This is my fiancee's first marriage. I have previous experiences that I've learned from. She doesn't have the same. She is a single mom and the father isn't involved. She hasn't had to share childcare and household duties in previous relationships.


Well...this is fairly typical marriage stuff. When two people commit and combine houses, the first year or two are precisely adjusting and learning how to make a new household. You may be more skilled, just because you've done it before, but your fiancee could learn--I don't think this is that major of an issue really. She'll have to adjust and so will you. 



> 5. Merging our families is a concern. My fiancee has one daughter (14). I have a child with my first wife (24). I have children with my second wife (16, 14, 9, 7). I have been my nephews (age 4) caregiver since he was born and we plan to adopt him together. My fiancee's daughter and my kids get along well. However we don't technically live together yet. My fiancee and her daughter have their own space to retreat to when needed. We are in the process of building a house together and it is almost complete.


My Dear Hubby had five kids--three still living at home--and I had two. Between us we had seven and we both had exes that were "less than involved" but every now and then would stick a wedge in the gears to gum up the works! LOL The fact of the matter is, that with such a full household, you are going to have eight or nine individuals who ALL have their own opinions, thoughts and feelings. Some of the adjustment period will be messy because even nine KIND people living together will step on each other's toes sometimes. We had seven of us in our home: Dear Hubby, myself, his youngest 3 and my 2 (his oldest 2 were grown and out of the house), and our house wasn't huge, but we made it work. I suspect days will come that you'll say "OH MY GOD I didn't sign up for this!" but ... ya did. Just get through those days.  

This concern will take some logistics, but based on the way you describe your fiancee, it sounds like she's willing to work on logistics. 



> 6. I'm concerned that my children will begin acting out and intentionally try to damage my new marriage. It is not a problem right now. I don't want my children to ever feel that I am replacing their mom. My fiancee is mindful of that and doesn't want to erase or replace their mom. She embraces her memory and story.


Well...bear in mind my thoughts about #3 above. I don't think it's reasonable for your current fiancee to "build a shrine" to your late wife/your kids' mom. I do think it's reasonable to speak her name, let them remember her fondly, and be supportive if they have a grief moment. Again, though, it sounds like your fiancee is intuitively pretty good with the kids and has been respectful of retaining a good memory for the kids. Yeah, the kids WILL have some sort of reaction to their dad being with someone else, but that happens with divorced children and definitely can be handled...I suspect the kids would take their cues from you and may come talk to you about what they are thinking and feeling. 



> 7. My fiancee's previous engagement ended, because of the reason below.
> 
> 8. The big one. I can count on one hand the number of times my fiancee and I have had sex. When my fiancee gave birth to her daughter there was medical malpractice and bad luck. She had a lot of damage and has nerve pain. She takes medication to lessen the pain and had a few surgeries to repair some of the damage. Sex, oral and touching can't be done because it's extremely painful for her. Even getting turned on can be painful. She will suffer through sex but I don't want that. It's excruciating for her. Our sex life consists of her giving me oral. It's very often, good and I'm not complaining about that. I want to be intimate with my wife and that looks very different with my fiancee. I'm questioning whether what we have is enough and will be enough for the rest of my life. I was out with friends recently and while talking to a woman I had a moment of considering having sex with her. I didn't, nor have I ever cheated on anyone. I don't know if I can be in a "sexless" marriage. I was fine with what we have up until the last few months. I have been noticing other women significantly more than before.


Okay this does concern me on several levels. First--this is essentially like your fiancee had an accident and was rendered paralyzed. She clearly is getting as much medical treatment as she can, and has done medical procedures to try to improve the situation so it's not like she's a non-complying patient. She also is doing what she can given her physical limitations, including "suffering through sex" which is excruciating. So what if you had married first and THEN she had her accident? Would you leave if all she could do was oral? What if it was your late wife who had this dibilitating pain--would you consider leaving her so you could have sex "normally"? The reason I ask is not to make you feel guilty but rather to get you to think of it from a little different point of view (what if it was paralysis rather than pain? what if it was after commitment rather than before? what if it was late wife rather than fiancee?) because I think answering these kinds of questions may get you to see what is important to you and what is not. Once you know your own values, then you'll be able to decide what is and is not "for you."

Second--this sex life may not be adequate for you. I know we hate to think of our loved ones like they aren't enough, but in real life this may be a dealbreaker for you. Now, I know some think of intimacy as "being deeply known and loved for exactly who they are" and sharing yourself so that both parties are loved and loving. I think I'm a person who isn't second-guessing because I know my soon-to-be and find enormous value in WHO HE IS--the being inside his skin. To me, being intimate does include sex, but it also includes whispering secrets just between us, laughing, dancing, kissing and hugging, cuddling, and comforting when we cry. If there was some medical event-- Yeah I'd miss sex--but I deeply value HIM and would pick him any day. From what you've described it doesn't sound like that's where your mind is, and note to self: that is completely fine. You get to be who you are, and it sounds like you are a person who needs "normal sex" in order to have that intimate connection with another being. Thus, if you feel now like you'd couldn't live with what you have now...then be kind and tell her that. Yes, it will hurt because she loves you, but it would be kinder than the resentment building over the years and then a bitter divorce down the road. 

Third--I find it very concerning that you are having second thoughts AND look at other women. In real life that does tend to indicate that you aren't ready. I don't honestly think you are over your late wife yet. I think you WANT to be! But it also sounds like some portion of you still clings to and holds onto that past love. I also don't honestly think this sex thing is okay with you. If you aren't even married yet and you're already doubting this marriage and already looking at other women, that's a sign of trouble! Seriously, better to be honest now and just let her know what you honestly are thinking. I don't know if this means it's hopeless or that you have to break up--she may be willing to give you time to get over your late wife and accept sex with her as it is. But you won't know if you don't tell her what ou honestly think...so tell her!



> My fiancee is a beautiful person inside and out. I don't think I'd ever find a better, more kind, more caring, more attentive person. She inspires me to be better. We have shared hobbies and found new hobbies to love together. She's my best friend and that is something I haven't had in a spouse before. Our fights are mild and always end in us laughing. She is breathtakingly gorgeous. She loves my kids, and that was something that was very important to me. She treats them as her own. She wanted a big family and embraced mine as her own. She found the perfect place between loving and caring for my children without overstepping on their boundaries. Her relationship with my kids ranges from respecting her as my new STB-wife, to calling her mom and having a very close mother-child relationship. She takes the time to customize and nurture each relationship. I couldn't ask for a better (step)mom for my kids. She is my best friend and an amazing mother-figure to my kids. I don't know if I see her as "wife". I love her and I'm in love with her. She completes my family but I don't know if I see her as a wife because it looks a little bit different.


You know @1500, each "Love" is different. The love you have for your fiancee is not going to be like the love you had for your late wife. She sounds like a beautiful soul and precious, and yet think about it: she deserves someone in her life who sees her as rare and beautiful as a star and as valuable as a cherished treasure. She cares for you; she cares for each one of your children; she brings happiness to your life--but due to a medical accident, she can't give "normal sex." She does give what she can, and she gives it only to you, and she keeps doing medical things in the hope of improving the situation...but so far, it is what it is. I have no doubt that if you can't accept it, it will hurt her, but I also have no doubt that honesty would be the most respectful thing you could offer her. 

I think you know what you have to do, but you are afraid or don't want to. Either way, don't marry until you don't second-guess. I mean, sure a little pre-wedding nervous excitement is to be expected, but some of these doubts are serious.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

The lack of sex is a long term killer of your love for this woman.

And it will get worse the longer you are married to her if most mens experience is a guide.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

1500 said:


> My second thoughts:
> 
> 1. The statistics.
> 
> ...



The bolded concern me greatly.

You absolutely shouldn't marry this woman if you're not 100% sure.

Re the sex issues - these circumstances are where love comes into it surely? She has a physical limitation that is out of her control, and has done her best to remedy it, and keep an active sex life with you. It's not like she's not got any problems and just isn't interested in sex and to hell with how you feel about it.

You should have thought about all of this before you involved all the children, and built a house.

I'm so sad for her, she's just wasted 4 years of her life. Don't let her waste another day.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I think you are not being honest with anyone; this forum, your fiance, your kids, but most importantly yourself. This is about sex and that's it. You've done a great job coming up with an enumerated list of concerns to cloud the issue, but you are only fooling yourself.

Having said that, your concern is legitimate, just not the way you seem to be approaching it. Intercourse is important to a man both physically and emotionally, and while adjustments can be made, the thought of not having intercourse in a new marriage would make anyone pause for sober consideration. You don't have to apologize for being concerned about the modified sex life your woman brings to the table. You DO need to talk about it honestly and openly with her. Honestly, as in, honey I'm having second thoughts about marrying you because intercourse isn't possible.

In a normal setting one could legitimately ask how did you get to this point since you've been with her four years and known about these limitations as well as worked through them so far. But as a widower myself I can identify with your thought process after losing your wife and understand how you might have arrived in your current situation.

I don't envy you, you have a very difficult decision to make. A decision that has no right or wrong answer and so is not black and white. I'm assuming you are mid to late 40's and I think if you were older this might be easier to accept. On the other hand, you aren't a "spring chicken" and need to understand that finding love in your older years is much more difficult than when you were young. You have described an absolutely lovely woman in EVERY other way and so I caution you to tread lightly at letting her go. Not that you shouldn't...I get it, and I "get" how you are feeling. But what you seem to have is a woman that loves you, accepts your kids, and accepts the memory of your wife. You'd be surprised how many women find a dead wife to be such a threat to them.

I will end with a philosophy I consider axiomatic in my own life. Sex is a state of mind. Without love, if you've been in one vagina, you've been in them all. Consider that when you are thinking about what this woman brings to the table despite the her sexual limitations.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

1500 said:


> My (third) wedding is in July. I find myself second guessing as the date approaches.* Is it normal to second guess suddenly?*


*Absolutely!

And cognitively and reflectively as well!

And you have a marked tendency to grow eyes in the back of your head!!*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you had a different sex life then you might not be questioning marrying her. Imagine ten or twenty years down the road with how things are now. Worth it or not?

Don't rush into this marriage.


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## 1500 (May 21, 2019)

Thank you for your thoughts and recommendations. It gave me a lot to think about. I need to have a hard conversation with my fiancee when she gets back from her trip. I don't think I can marry her in 6 weeks. 

Open relationships have been discussed in the past and my fiancee doesn't want one. I'm not against it. I have already had a very good marriage and I could be happy with unconventional. I didn't want or plan to be with anyone again. I was happy with casual. My fiancee came along and my mind changed. 

If I could do something and bring my second wife back I would. If she were to miraculously come back to life I would go back to her. That is where my heart is. I would miss my fiancee but I would leave without looking back. Even though that will never happen I cannot see myself ever thinking differently on that. 

Upon thinking about my situation honestly I came to two conclusions. 

I don't want my wife to be another woman. That is my second wife's spot. I don't want to be married again. I don't want to go in front of friends and family and take another wife. That is a conclusion I came to after some thought-provoking comments and being honest with myself. I do understand that going to talk to someone could be helpful with that. 

For 4 years I was fine with my sex life with my fiancee. It wasn't perfect but I was living with it. Early on I informed her that I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't want a typical sex life at some point. She understood that. Our intimacy is very limited and there is no room for improvement aside from medical advances. It can be painful for her to be turned on. To help with understanding, our first few dates she was in pain from having chemistry and being turned on. She can have pain from me walking up behind her and kissing her. Doing anything that gets her turned on ends up being painful. Anal sex is an option but it is not an option for me. She has been down this road several times with many men. She won't be shocked but nonetheless I don't want to hurt her. 

I do now regret involving my children as much as I have. We raised my young nephew together and my fiancee is mom to him. Neither of us has sold our individual homes so, if it comes to it, selling the home we own together may not be too difficult.


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## Lucky18 (May 13, 2019)

I second guess everything but it really depends on how you process those thoughts. If you aren’t happy or if there’s unsettled resentment then u should put the brakes on at least for a while anyways


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@1500, how are things, any updates?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Did you have the talk with her yet?


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

4 years together, 14 months engaged. My question is do you love her? And does she love you? You said it’s only statistics that make you nervous. I say statistics be damned! If there’s love and no hanky lanky, which after 4 years you would know if there is or not, I’d say marry that woman.

Just my opinion and I wish you and her the best.

OT


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Oldtimer said:


> 4 years together, 14 months engaged. My question is do you love her? And does she love you? You said it’s only statistics that make you nervous. I say statistics be damned! If there’s love and no hanky lanky, which after 4 years you would know if there is or not, I’d say marry that woman.
> 
> Just my opinion and I wish you and her the best.
> 
> OT


I think you need to read this whole thread, and especially the recent update from the OP.

He does not love this woman near as much as he did his deceased wife, and does not see his girlfriend as someone he wants as a wife.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

damn, not sure why I missed that post 37! He’ll going back, looks like I missed the whole page. Apologies.


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## 1500 (May 21, 2019)

I have not spoken with her yet. I decided to see a counselor to talk it out and a lawyer as well. We own a house together and she has helped raise my nephew with me. She has not lived with us so custody won't be a problem. 

I have to decide how I'm going to approach the conversation but I will have to call the wedding off. I can't marry her while feeling so unsure. I should continue seeing the counselor for my feelings towards my late wife and marriage. The intimacy challenges would be here to stay and I can't see a way to resolve them.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

1500 said:


> I have not spoken with her yet. I decided to see a counselor to talk it out and a lawyer as well. We own a house together and she has helped raise my nephew with me. She has not lived with us so custody won't be a problem.
> 
> I have to decide how I'm going to approach the conversation but I will have to call the wedding off. I can't marry her while feeling so unsure. I should continue seeing the counselor for my feelings towards my late wife and marriage. The intimacy challenges would be here to stay and I can't see a way to resolve them.


If you have any feelings for her at all, you will tell her you need to cancel the wedding as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more she dreams about it and makes plans for the big day. It's downright cruel to know you're going to cancel and allow her to continue on in ignorance.

I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. I can't imagine how painful that must be for you. I think once your current situation is resolved you need to take some time off from dating and truly allow yourself to heal. 

*hugs*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

1500 said:


> I have not spoken with her yet. I decided to see a counselor to talk it out and a lawyer as well. We own a house together and she has helped raise my nephew with me. She has not lived with us so custody won't be a problem.
> 
> I have to decide how I'm going to approach the conversation but I will have to call the wedding off. I can't marry her while feeling so unsure. I should continue seeing the counselor for my feelings towards my late wife and marriage. The intimacy challenges would be here to stay and I can't see a way to resolve them.


I'm sorry to hear this, but it sounds like you are making what you feel is the best decision for yourself. Do let her know as soon as possible.


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## 1500 (May 21, 2019)

You are absolutely correct that I need to tell her soon. The wedding is 33 days out. I will talk to her when we can do it privately.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

1500 said:


> You are absolutely correct that I need to tell her soon. The wedding is 33 days out. I will talk to her when we can do it privately.


I know how hard this will be for you. But it does sound like you're doing what's best for yourself. We only have one life to life in this world and we need to do what we can to make that life worth living. I wish you the best of luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

1500 said:


> Thank you for your thoughts and recommendations. It gave me a lot to think about. I need to have a hard conversation with my fiancee when she gets back from her trip. I don't think I can marry her in 6 weeks.


You know, @1500, this is very sad, but it's honest. I, for one, appreciate that you are being honest when it's difficult. But I don't expect this will be without pain, for you and for her. 



> Open relationships have been discussed in the past and my fiancee doesn't want one. I'm not against it. I have already had a very good marriage and I could be happy with unconventional. I didn't want or plan to be with anyone again. I was happy with casual. My fiancee came along and my mind changed.


It sounds to me like she is looking for exclusive commitment and security, and you are looking for a more open, fluid serious relationship--maybe something closer to polyamory or common-law where there is a dedication to one or two, but no legal commitment or religious restriction. Honestly, speaking as a fellow-widow it sounds like in your heart you're still married to your late wife and "others" feel like an intrusion to that marriage. 



> If I could do something and bring my second wife back I would. If she were to miraculously come back to life I would go back to her. That is where my heart is. I would miss my fiancee but I would leave without looking back. Even though that will never happen I cannot see myself ever thinking differently on that.


I can understand what you mean, in that I never imagined I'd ever even consider any other male human, much less that someone would be able to measure up or exceed my impossibly high standard. I mean, I wasn't looking for a super human but rather, I already had an ecstatically loving marriage so not only was I not looking, but catching my eye was not even something I thought of. Yet here I am, married again, because someone DID catch my eye! I think the difference between us is that I've accepted that my Dear Hubby has passed to another life, and if he were to miraculously come back to life, I'd look him in the eye and say "After you died, guess what I did? I came back to life and I lived and I loved. I met an amazing man and I've found happiness again. Thank you for the years and the love you gave me." 



> Upon thinking about my situation honestly I came to two conclusions.
> 
> I don't want my wife to be another woman. That is my second wife's spot. I don't want to be married again. I don't want to go in front of friends and family and take another wife. That is a conclusion I came to after some thought-provoking comments and being honest with myself. I do understand that going to talk to someone could be helpful with that.


If this is honestly what you think and feel, then you are doing the kind thing to speak with your fiance and tell her this is the True You. YOU may value her and see her as a great gal, but you don't want to marry again, and you don't see her as "your wife." Trust me, that is not just a title or being possessive. It's a place of honor gained after exchanging vows. So I get it--she wants it and in some ways you may even enjoy the excitement and planning--but YOU don't really want it. I'm glad you were able to be honest with yourself. Now be honest with her. 



> For 4 years I was fine with my sex life with my fiancee. It wasn't perfect but I was living with it. Early on I informed her that I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't want a typical sex life at some point. She understood that. Our intimacy is very limited and there is no room for improvement aside from medical advances. It can be painful for her to be turned on. To help with understanding, our first few dates she was in pain from having chemistry and being turned on. She can have pain from me walking up behind her and kissing her. Doing anything that gets her turned on ends up being painful. Anal sex is an option but it is not an option for me. She has been down this road several times with many men. She won't be shocked but nonetheless I don't want to hurt her.


Well...look let's not beat around the bush: SOME sex is better than none, and even limited sex with a great person still involves all the feels and interactions of caring. That stuff feels good, even if it's not "all that you hoped and dreamed." So you took what you could get  The funny thing is, I empathize with you not wanting to hurt her (physically for sex you want, and emotionally for telling her) but lying hurts FAR WORSE than the truth. Okay, this truth is going to hurt her emotionally, but she knows her physicality isn't for everyone. Do the caring thing and tell her. 

I will suggest this one thing. This is not entirely 100% about her sexual limits. There is at least a good 50% that has to do with your feelings about not wanting anyone else to be a wife, and that your late wife holds that spot. I doubt if she'll hear much of that, but I would encourage you to not "blame" this on her sexuality and at least make sure it's as clear as you can that YOUR HONEST FEELINGS are that you don't want to marry ANYONE...and that the closest you want to come is an open, common-law relationship. 



> I do now regret involving my children as much as I have. We raised my young nephew together and my fiancee is mom to him. Neither of us has sold our individual homes so, if it comes to it, selling the home we own together may not be too difficult.


* Sigh * It's sad to have to think like this. You kids, your nephew, your home...there is a lot here. I'm sad with you.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

@1500

How are things? I'm sure this is a very difficult time for you. Have you been able to cancel the wedding?


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