# Not Coping After Seperation



## JanineJ (Nov 16, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 2. I was very young when we started dating. A few months ago, we started to drift apart, most of it was from my end. A month ago I initiated a separation and moved out. I thought it would help clear things up in my head but all it has done is made things worse for me and on top of that, I have completely hurt my husband. My reasons for leaving were not because anything was fundamentally wrong, I was just unhappy and saying hurtful things. I left because I was just feeling so different and didnt want to hurt his feelings anymore. I also thought leaving might help us rekindle things and start fresh but now I am the one who is going out of my mind with grief and I am pretty sure my husband is starting to realise that he deserves better, which he probably does.

I guess my question is whether or not there is anything I can do to save our marriage or if I should accept that I have lost him.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Janine, how old are the two of you?

Do you have children?

What led to the unhappiness and saying hurtful things to him?


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## JanineJ (Nov 16, 2017)

I am 30 and he is 39. Fortunately there are no children involved.

I was hurtful in the sense that I kept threatening to leave him. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I think the reason I started going down that path is because I was feeling unhappy and unfulfilled within myself. Unfortuantely it took me leaving for me to realise that he was never the issue, I was/am, and now I fear it is too late...


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

JanineJ said:


> I am 30 and he is 39. Fortunately there are no children involved.
> 
> I was hurtful in the sense that I kept threatening to leave him. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I think the reason I started going down that path is because I was feeling unhappy and unfulfilled within myself. Unfortuantely it took me leaving for me to realise that he was never the issue, I was/am, and now I fear it is too late...


If you love him, then pursue him. Become a better version of yourself, and be the woman that he deserves.

You should buy the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters", which will help teach you and your husband how to rebuild your relationship.

Why were you feeling unfulfilled within yourself?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

JanineJ said:


> I am 30 and he is 39. Fortunately there are no children involved.
> 
> 
> 
> I was hurtful in the sense that I kept threatening to leave him. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I think the reason I started going down that path is because I was feeling unhappy and unfulfilled within myself. Unfortuantely it took me leaving for me to realise that he was never the issue, I was/am, and now I fear it is too late...




Have you told him this? Have you asked to come back? You realize, this is what rekindling looks like, right?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JanineJ (Nov 16, 2017)

BioFury said:


> If you love him, then pursue him. Become a better version of yourself, and be the woman that he deserves.
> 
> You should buy the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters", which will help teach you and your husband how to rebuild your relationship.
> 
> Why were you feeling unfulfilled within yourself?


Thank you for your comment. I am certainly going to try.

In terms of why I am feeling unfulfilled, well I am still trying to figure that one out. I think a part of it was not working towards a goal and just becoming...stagnant in life


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## JanineJ (Nov 16, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Have you told him this? Have you asked to come back? You realize, this is what rekindling looks like, right?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I have told him how I am feeling and I have asked to try again but I think he is hesitant right now. He has taken a trip to clear his head after all that has happened so perhaps a face to face conversation would help clarify where we stand and next steps...I think the wait for him to come back is just driving me absolutely crazy and sending my brain into overdrive.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There had to be things going on that made you act and feel the way you did toward him. Were you cheating? Was he? Most people don't become nasty to their spouse for no reason, barring a mental issue or something. What has been going on in the marriage? Its hard to advise without more detail.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The big question is...
And be honest, we know you not..

While separated.
Have you gotten close to another, or other men?

Have you had sexual relations, of any sort with another male and his appendage?


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

This is a tough one, if my wife constantly threatened to leave me, then moved out and "needed space" I would immediately assume an affair. With no kids involved, there's no way I would go back for any reason. You can't pull this crap UNTIL you have kids and the threat of alimony/child support over his head to lock the guy down, you jumped the gun on this one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JanineJ said:


> My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 2. I was very young when we started dating. A few months ago, we started to drift apart, most of it was from my end. A month ago I initiated a separation and moved out. I thought it would help clear things up in my head but all it has done is made things worse for me and on top of that, I have completely hurt my husband. My reasons for leaving were not because anything was fundamentally wrong, I was just unhappy and saying hurtful things. I left because I was just feeling so different and didnt want to hurt his feelings anymore. I also thought leaving might help us rekindle things and start fresh but now I am the one who is going out of my mind with grief and I am pretty sure my husband is starting to realise that he deserves better, which he probably does.
> 
> I guess my question is whether or not there is anything I can do to save our marriage or if I should accept that I have lost him.


Sounds like you lost him because you are not working on you. Sounds like that is still the case. Even if you don't fix it with him the same thing might happen. If you separated to fix what is going on with you then, FIX what is going on with you. Tell us about the other guy.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Hmm. I am sorry it's come to this for you to realize what you had.

Here is my suggestion... write him a letter. It doesn't have to be super long and in depth. But apologize to him for leaving him and ask for his forgiveness. Ask him if he's free for dinner soon. If he agrees to meet you, do yourself up. Wear your prettiest dress and do your hair and makeup in the way he likes. Express your desire for reconciliation... just once.... and what you are doing to work on you. After you've stated that leave the ball in his court.

If he rejects you... at least you can walk away knowing you tried. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

JanineJ said:


> Thank you for your comment. I am certainly going to try.
> 
> In terms of why I am feeling unfulfilled, well I am still trying to figure that one out. I think a part of it was not working towards a goal and just becoming...stagnant in life


Don't try, just do. Anything is possible if you set your mind to it, and refuse to give up.

You might consider investing yourself in hobbies that you enjoy, and gaining a high level of skill in them. Or finding a job that you find rewarding. That might help relieve the stagnation that you were experiencing.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

JanineJ said:


> I am 30 and he is 39. Fortunately there are no children involved.
> 
> I was hurtful in the sense that I kept threatening to leave him. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I think the reason I started going down that path is because I was feeling unhappy and unfulfilled within myself. Unfortuantely it took me leaving for me to realise that he was never the issue, I was/am, and now I fear it is too late...


You cannot love another until you love your self. While you may want to blame your self, there was a reason why you felt unhappy and unfulfilled. What have you done to change that? Until you resolve those issues, it doesn't matter. You might go back and he might accept you, but in the end you still feel unhappy and unfulfilled. What I am willing to bet, is if you resolve those other issues, you (and he) will probably have moved on. He may not have been THE issue, but something was and it interfered with this particular relationship. The reality is only you can make your self happy and if he was willing to accept you as an unhappy and unfulfilled person that would indicate he may have some issues as well. So don't be so hard on your self. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Resolve your issues and you will see the word of opportunity that awaits you.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have always counseled clients that when they feel they have to leave, and have not explored any therapy avenues, that they do not leave. God, I do not know how many people split to "go find themselves", or search for "happiness", and then for some strange reason, they expect their spouse to be waiting patiently at home by the fire with the pipe and slippers, or nightie and bonbons. Most of the spouses left behind assume that their spouse has left for the promise of greener pastures or some other idiocy. Too bad the spouse that was left behind has figured out that they will have a less chaotic and more peaceful life without the person who was so miserable in one way or the other that they left. So JanineJ, you discovered your are miserable without him. He has figured out that he is less miserable without you. I wish you had talked to someone before you did this, because, in my experience, your misery made him miserable. He only got to understand that when you left. There are consequences to every action, no matter what the intent.

You opened the door, and made him feel less a husband and more the source of your problems. Now he is examining whether he could be more happy without you or even with someone else. It is unfortunate, but I have seen more divorce precipitated through foolishness and ignorance than I ever hoped to see. This appears to be just such a case. The blame and lack of fulfillment were always inside you, you chose to paint him in a less than flattering light, you talked crap to him, and now you think he is going to drop everything and come running back because you, like the wind direction, changed. I'm sorry to say, that in my experience, his next wife will enjoy a very peaceful and fulfilling existence with him, and you will not.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

JanineJ said:


> I have told him how I am feeling and I have asked to try again but I think he is hesitant right now. He has taken a trip to clear his head after all that has happened so perhaps a face to face conversation would help clarify where we stand and next steps...I think the wait for him to come back is just driving me absolutely crazy and sending my brain into overdrive.


Have you apologized?

And, when I say "apologize", I mean the real thing. Not something like, "I'm sorry you felt this way, or something similar"


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