# Help!! Wife Troubles!



## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay here we go, this is going to be a long story. Please read it all. I need advice BAD!!! I recently found out that a few times a month my wife goes out with her girlfriends on a "girls night out"(drinking, dancing, etc). The reason I only recently found out about this was because she has hid it from me, the reason being is because I hate drinking. I have never done it and I don't like her doing it. Long story short I was being unfair, she drank before we were married so why should she stop now. She doesn't get drunk, at least that is what she tells me, just likes the buzz. So anyways, I went and got counseling to help cope with her drinking, like I said she is very responsible about it from what I know. This week her and my divorced mother went to Las Vegas for a week. She drank every night. Said she didn't get drunk just drank. They went to clubs, bars, karaoke, the whole bit. She even told me she talked to a few guys but told them she was married. When she got home she was really down and depressed. At first she wouldn't talk to me, finally I got her to talk. She said she wasn't sure she wanted to be with me anymore, I was pretty much boring her. We talked for hours about where to improve and what not. On both sides. Afterward she said everything was fine and we are good. I am very paranoid though still. How can someones attitude change so fast. I thought everything was great in out marriage. Please give me some advice or opinions both ways! Thanks!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

how old is your wife?


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

She will be 26 in a few weeks, and I will be 27 in a month


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sounds like she hasnt sown all of her wild oats yet, shes a party girl and hasnt learned the value of settling down, you apparently have.

if she is not a true alchoholic, just partying, then you might want to back off a bit. but if i were you, i might start steering her away from going out so much and especially from going on out of town party trips. you are married, you are a couple, she needs to understand that and start changing and you need to help her. try telling her NO


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

I have told her no, and she said no. Because she is responsible with it. She doesn't get drunk. This was the first out of town trip ever, and it was last minute. My moms friend backed out the day before and my wife was off school on break. She says the periodic drinks just help her lower the stress level of school/work. Is going out alone with other girls 2 or 3 times a month too much? I don't know. What is your take on that?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think a few times a month is reasonable. Do the two of you go on dates? If not, maybe doing some fun things together that don't involve alcohol...bowling, movies, etc. 

If she connects being married to working a stressful job and then coming home to housework & sitting in front of the tv, etc....and her social life with friends as her only outlet for fun...you may need to step in and make your time together more fun as well.


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

We do no alcoholic activities together, such as movies and going out to eat, but not as often lately because money has been tight. We have been going on walks lately too. Honestly everything was going really good until she went on this vegas trip. I think maybe she got a taste of single life and attention from multiple guys and it made her think, what if I hadn't gotten married so young, I am missing out. Is that possible? She was 18 and I was 19 when we got married. I do not want to lose her, she is the love of my life. Last night after our long talk she said everything was cool. I am just scared now that every time she does go out she will get that taste of single life, or am I being over paranoid?


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I find going out occasionally can be a good thing. If she's being responsible and just having a good time once in a while, it can be a good thing. Both my wife and I go out a couple times a moth separate from each other. It's good to have your friendships outside the marriage too.

Her feelings are, from what I understand, normal for that age group. My wife went through something similar at that age where she wanted more freedom. Not to see other people or anything, but just to be able to go out with her friends and have a good time. It has calmed since, although we still try to have our own nights.

Have you thought of going along with her once in a while? I understand you don't drink, but nothing wrong with simply having water or a Cola at the bar. Perhaps she feels that you two don't share many interests?


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

I have heard that it is a phase, and I hope it doesn't last too long. That makes me feel better though thank you. I can handle it a little better knowing that. I asked her about maybe going with her once in awhile and she is all for it. So I hope everything is okay.


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

So, is okay for my wife to dance with other men and talk with other men at clubs/bars or no? I do trust her it is just a hard thing to deal with, for me it is at least.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

nirvanaozzy said:


> So, is okay for my wife to dance with other men and talk with other men at clubs/bars or no? I do trust her it is just a hard thing to deal with, for me it is at least.


I think that depends on the husband. Personally I'm okay if she's just talking to another guy. However, dancing gets a little more personal. If my wife were dancing with another guy, I might take issue with it (in fact I did once because it was the first dance at a party and instead of dancing with me she danced with someone else because we were having a bit of an argument). Part of that though is because I know she's not a big dancer. She doesn't feel comfortable dancing, so it would bother me that she'd do it with some random guy, but not often with me. My concern wouldn't really be about her though, it would be about what the other guys intentions were. Guys in bars can be real sleazeballs.

On the flip side, I have danced with other women, but I'm more of a dancer and my wife has encouraged me to. Also, they have been women that my wife and I know, so they know I'm married. I still watch myself and don't allow it to be anything more than just dancing.

I'm glad that she's all for you going with her. Once you get there, you may find that you really enjoy it. Make sure if she enjoys dancing, that you dance with her though


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

for me, my wife going out and dancing with other guys is not acceptable. my wife isnt much of a partyer and never goes out. if she wanted to go out with friends i would have no problem with it. going out to bars and dancing with other guys i have a major problem with


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This seems like it's a coherent need for her, and you're determined not to meet it it seems. 

I suggest giving the Fun Police a night off and go out with her once in a while. You don't have to drink. Just go.


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## Hillbilly (Dec 30, 2009)

Nirv, there aint no way that I could handle that.
I married my wife when I was 22, she was 26. When we used to drink, we only did it together. We agreed early on, that we wouldn't go to bars. We have never went out to bars seperate or together.
In my opinion, an atmosphere like a bar, club, etc. is the Devils playground. Especially to be there without your spouse. Of course I trust my wife, but I don't trust any of the men who go to these places. You know how they are. Being in an atmosphere like that is asking for trouble, seperately or together. Everyone has thier own type of relationship, but IMO a married person should not want to be in a place like that, especially without thier spouse. To answer your last question.....IMO, Hell No it aint OK for her to dance and talk to other men at bars. Don't continue to put up with it or you will end up being strung along like a sick puppy. She made vows to you and you are supposed to mean everything to her. If she's not willing to give up this inappropriate behavior, then IMO she doesn't care as much about you as she should. Good Luck


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

I don't understand what is so terrible about drinking a little. You have extreme views on it and you're right that you were wrong in assuming she should change once married to you.
I don't really drink much myself, but I wouldn't stop others from doing it. It can be fun in the right situations.

Maybe you are being boring. What else do you forbid? Western clothing? Television? LOL just kidding. ...kinda


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Meriter said:


> I don't understand what is so terrible about drinking a little. You have extreme views on it and you're right that you were wrong in assuming she should change once married to you.
> I don't really drink much myself, but I wouldn't stop others from doing it. It can be fun in the right situations.
> 
> Maybe you are being boring. What else do you forbid? Western clothing? Television? LOL just kidding. ...kinda


do you think it it is ok for her to go to bars, drink and dance with other guys?

it could be that he has started to grow up a little and she hasnt


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> do you think it it is ok for her to go to bars, drink and dance with other guys?
> 
> it could be that he has started to grow up a little and she hasnt


It's more that he's a total wet blanket and requiring her to stay home and do nothing she considers fun. Ever. If this continues, it's totally going to blow up in his face. She is starting to detest him.

He was freaking out about her going out.... _with his own mother._ 

Basically I'm advising.... DATE NIGHT. Take her out and play with her, or risk someone else stepping up to the plate.


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## RichardL (Jan 11, 2010)

No way is i O.K. You married each other to start life together, through thick and thin, sickness and health, etc. Others before have suggested you go with her and drink "virgin" drinks, No alchohol. You dance together, and if you don't, then you take ballroom dancing. You are a couple UNITED in everything you do. My guess she had a fling in Vegas. Been there done that. Too much temptation. Stand up man for your rights and the vows you pledged to each other. The devil is working her over and against you. This is not a good marriage and your way too young and naive to think so.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

RichardL said:


> My guess she had a fling in Vegas.


She went to Vegas with his mother. What wife can seriously think she would get away with pulling off a fling under her mother in laws nose like that.

My hunch is mom knows her daughter in law is bored to death and wanted to do something to keep her occupied and not walk out on her son.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Movies and dinner are ok but frankly, they can be rather boring. Try LOTS of other stuff instead--bowling, mini golf, ice skating--ACTIVITIES, not just sitting, watching, and eating, which are things you do at home. Walks are good, but take a camera and make a little "photo essay" of your walk. Find things to laugh about together-that is so important in a relationship! Get books that are funny and read together; take turns reading to each other. 

Your marriage sounds dangerously flat, so some serious action on your part is warranted. Go with her on club night, but add your own ideas on fun, too. And if you are not engaging her at home, step it up there, too; read joke books and the news to make yourself more interesting. Good luck.


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## nirvanaozzy (Jan 11, 2010)

Thank you so much. I don't believe she had a fling either, my mother was there. And she has really opened up to me about her drinking that I have accepted it. She does it twice a month maybe, and always with a group of her lady friends, which are all married. I am going to go with her once in a while and try some new activities with her!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Movies and dinner are ok but frankly, they can be rather boring. Try LOTS of other stuff instead--bowling, mini golf, ice skating--ACTIVITIES, not just sitting, watching, and eating, which are things you do at home. Walks are good, but take a camera and make a little "photo essay" of your walk. Find things to laugh about together-that is so important in a relationship! Get books that are funny and read together; take turns reading to each other.
> 
> Your marriage sounds dangerously flat, so some serious action on your part is warranted. Go with her on club night, but add your own ideas on fun, too. And if you are not engaging her at home, step it up there, too; read joke books and the news to make yourself more interesting. Good luck.


Great suggestions....I also like going to comedy clubs w/my h because laughing is always a fun date for me


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

nirvanaozzy said:


> Thank you so much. I don't believe she had a fling either, my mother was there. And she has really opened up to me about her drinking that I have accepted it. She does it twice a month maybe, and always with a group of her lady friends, which are all married. I am going to go with her once in a while and try some new activities with her!


Good work everyone. I'm having a drink to celebrate.


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## The Lurker (May 11, 2012)

Glad to hear it all worked out!


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## Devastated and Depressed (May 9, 2012)

During your talk, did she say that she thought you were boring in general or just boring for the simple fact that you don't drink with her? If it's solely because you don't drink, then that's just a cop-out. It's ridiculous to consider a divorce for that reason..

Also, you can't make her drinking an issue. She is of age, she is responsible when she drinks and as long as it does not affect her other responsibilities, such as work, taking care of the home, etc. then it should not be a problem. 

I am more concerned with the fact that she brought that conversation up to you about how she thinks you are boring. You have to really dig a little deeper into that and see why she feels the way she does. Communication and understanding is key.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Have a friend she doesn't know go to the club and observe. Your wife can't believe her good fortune that you are concentrating on her drinking and not the fact that other men grind their crotches into her ass. Sounds like she doesn't have a drinking problem, but a problem with wanting to grind her fun parts on strange guys thighs.

She likes to party for free with the boys. She likes it A LOT. I can guarantee you it's a game they play to see if they can go the entire night without buying their own drinks. I wonder how a gal has to act to pull that one off. 

I will ask this question AGAIN. And I'm sure I won't get an answer AGAIN: What do you THINK goes on when she's out at a meat market until 2AM, partying with horny men expecting to get laid? I can just about GUARANTEE you it is different than what actually goes on. Guarantee.

She didn't tell you she goes out to these pick-up-joints because she didn't want to have to tell you how she behaves there. 

Please spy. For me. And every other husband who doesn't want to seem controlling and jealous by letting their wives hunt for strange every other weekend.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> it could be that he has started to grow up a little and she hasnt


Enjoying going out with others and having a drink, IMO, does not mean you havent grown up - being 'grown up' doesnt have to mean 'boring'

MrK - From my experience what you described is REALLY not a typical girls night out . . . .


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

JJG said:


> MrK - From my experience what you described is REALLY not a typical girls night out . . . .


Typical? Maybe not. Does it happen? Sure. Happens A LOT? I think so. Especially when the wife does it frequently and does it behind her man's back.

I can GUARANTEE it will be an education for him if he has a buddy spy on her. GUARANTEE. And why people like you refuse to admit it confuses the crap out of me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

nirvanaozzy said:


> So, is okay for my wife to dance with other men and talk with other men at clubs/bars or no? I do trust her it is just a hard thing to deal with, for me it is at least.


So, I didn't even finish reading all the posts in this thread and this hit me right between the eyes.

First, you two don't have money for date nights anymore but there's money for her to go out drink 2, 3 or 4 times a month? WTF?

Add this to the fact that she's hanging out at clubs getting hit on all night and you're not there? She's loving all the attention and I'm not coming out and saying she's having an affair or thinking about one (but I bet she is) but she's certainly on a very slippery slope here.

If I were in your shoes, I would QUIETLY investigate what is going with her but don't confront her and ask if she's cheating. Buy a vopice activated recorder (VAR) and put it under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro.

Do you have access to her email and facebook accounts? You should consider a keylogger for your home PC.

Last but not least, do you have access to her cell phone account (online?). If so, loook at the activity for the last few weeks. Are there a lot of texts/calls to a number you don't recognize? Is her phone always with her? Is there a password on it now? Is she texting more and more?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Toffer said:


> First, you two don't have money for date nights anymore but there's money for her to go out drink 2, 3 or 4 times a month? WTF?


Although I agree with most of your post, I beg to differ here. This is the one area where she's actually helping the marriage save money. I'll bet it's been a long time since she's spent any of the family money at these bars. Getting horny men to buy her drinks in hope of getting in her pants is the one good thing that they BOTH get out of this. So I think you were a little out of line with that statement.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm with MrK on almost all his points

She has been lying to her husband - RED FLAG
She finds her husband boring - RED FLAG
She's out at least 2x a month for GNO at dance clubs - RED FLAG

Again, maybe she isn't doing anything wrong but why wouldn't you play it safe and check?


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

MrK said:


> people like you


Not sure what this means.

I agree that the lying is a red flag and that she find her husband boring is a red flag. The OP should definitely be taking his wife out and having fun.

All i was saying is that *from my experience of being a woman who enjoys drinking with her friends and having many female friends, what MrK describes is not what i would call a normal girls night out - it isnt impossible, just not what i have experienced.*


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

nirvanaozzy said:


> We do no alcoholic activities together, such as movies and going out to eat, but not as often lately because money has been tight. We have been going on walks lately too. Honestly everything was going really good until she went on this vegas trip. I think maybe she got a taste of single life and attention from multiple guys and it made her think, what if I hadn't gotten married so young, I am missing out. Is that possible? She was 18 and I was 19 when we got married. I do not want to lose her, she is the love of my life. Last night after our long talk she said everything was cool. I am just scared now that every time she does go out she will get that taste of single life, or am I being over paranoid?


oh wow! You got married so young!
I guess she felt she was missing out on her youth and parties.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

LOL... this thread was over 2 years old before being revived today.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Bottled Up said:


> LOL... this thread was over 2 years old before being revived today.


I HATE THAT!

But as long as we're all here...



JJG said:


> All i was saying is that *from my experience* of being a woman who enjoys drinking with her friends and having many female friends, what MrK describes is not what i would call a normal girls night out - it isnt impossible, just not what i have experienced.


Let me better explain how I "don't understand people like you".

You go to dance clubs. Clubs that could fit the traditional label of a "meat-market". You see groups of girls and groups of boys socially interacting. You see activity between the sexes. People that have obviously just met tonight. And you've seen them partake in behavior that, if the woman was married and she just met up with those guys, most husbands would find it extremely uncomfortable to watch. And you know that for some of these people, it gets worse when they go smoke a joint out in the parking lot. Or even just to make out somewhere.

You know this happens, and you know it happens with married people, but you say you have never experienced it. You see it happen. How do you know none of those hookups are with married people?

And PLEASE spare me the "they can hook up in the supermarket" crap. Most people aren't in a supermarket to hook up. If they want to hook-up, they go to someplace known for hooking up.

Why can't "you people" admit that a woman who likes to party at meat markets COULD BE on a slippery slope. And of the married ones that do, the ones who are secretive about it (like the OP's) and have admitted they find their hubs "boring (like the OP's) and married young (like the OP), are at a MUCH higher risk for inappropriate behavior than you and your girlfriends dancing in a man-free bubble.

Why is it so hard to acknowledge the accuracy of that statement?


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

I got married near the same age as you, so I hear you on a lot of things. We were the opposite though, I was always going out.

You HAVE to go out with your wife, unless you guys are mormon and live in SLC or something, just go. I work in sales and the number of Recovering Alcoholics here is insane.

Order a Club Soda with lime and you will look like "one of the guys". No bartender in the world is going to give you crap, if anyone else asks just say you are driving.

There are actually clubs and bars that cater to late 20's and 30's folks that will have many more married couples, get comfy at one f those before you hit the dance floor.

Find a way to show her you are interesting, and then maybe you can open the lines of communication a little.

I agree with a lot of posters, Dancing might not be ok, but it sounds like you guys are not at a place where you can talk about it now.


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