# anyone here have an affair like me?



## beni (Nov 23, 2009)

i want to tell my story in this forum because i feel unsafe to tell it to even my best friends, but i really need to tell it to someone since it was too heavy to hold it for myself. i just got married 2 years ago and it was perfectly happy. but about 3 months ago, i met a guy, Ben, in a tennis training camp and i have felt something for him, it just happened so fast that i really dont know how it started and how could i let this feeling grow...we train tennis in a same club so we meet sometimes per week in training, but i still hide my feeling so we just talked as friends and i have no idea how he felt about me. and 1 day after a tournament, he offered to drive me home and i cant stop myseft to kiss him, and find out that he also like me although he know about my marriage. everything with him was just so exciting and passionate, which i have lost in my marriage. i still remember it was exactly the same when i first met my husband, Fred, but somehow the longterm relationship blew these feelings away...now i still love Fred very much, but i cant stop myself to want so badly the excitements with Ben. i really hate myself for being so weak and feel so guilty with Fred, my sweet sweet husband should never deserved to be cheated like this. i love Fred, i care for him and i know he loves me more than anything else in his life... it just those dangerous fantastic feelings with Ben trying to pull me away from my marriage life. i fight so hard against my guilty desire, but in some weak moments i just suddenly dial Ben's number. it just so easy to meet him and Ben also try to protect our secret, that make me feel no risk and keep doing that again and again. But Ben doesn't love me, he just likes me very much, he try to control to not fall in love with me since i'm married, and somehow he can manage to be very cold...it hurts, i want to break into his heart but it just impossible, i'm addicted to being with him, but also hate him at the same time for breaking my heart, i dont know if he give a damn **** about me or just simply like to be with me... last week Fred had to go away 1 week for a bussiness trip so that was a chance for me to be weaker, but i also realized that only Fred can save me out of this trouble, he just need to be at home and i will be ok when he's always around and save me from some weak moments. since 1 week i didnt call Ben and tried to ignore him at the trainings, i try to hate him, try to save my soul, try to not break Fred's heart, try to heat up my marriage again... i think and i miss Ben a lots, but Fred's love calmed me down and i'm in peace just to be next to him. of course Fred still doesnt know anything, his whole world might be broken if he know it. i'm not sure if i can keep like this for how long until when i wan to see Ben again, but i'm trying my best now to fight against the other dangerous me. i wonder how many people out there are carrying a big secret like me. sometimes i'm not sure if i'm ready for a marriage life, now i'm not sure of anything....


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Are you having sex with ben?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I noticed your screen name is beni, not fredi. I wonder if that says anything.

2 years and you need the excitement of an affair? You feel guilty but keep going back for more? Fred is your security and ben is your excitement?

Do your husband a favor and tell him about the affair on your way out the door. He sounds like a nice guy. He deserves better. I'm not saying you are a bad person, you're just not good enough for your husband. He sounds like a nice guy. Give him a chance to start over. You owe him that.

And PLEASE. For EVERYBODY involved. DO NOT make the mistake of thinking that having a child will make everything right in the world. 

PLEASE!!!


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Are you having sex with ben?



She's young and new to this forum. She doesn't even know that it's POSSIBLE to have an affair w/o sex. Of course she is.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree: poor guy. Stuck with a cheater.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*Do your husband a favor and tell him about the affair on your way out the door. He sounds like a nice guy. He deserves better. I'm not saying you are a bad person, you're just not good enough for your husband. He sounds like a nice guy. Give him a chance to start over. You owe him that.*



Beni, I agree with Cody5 on this one to the letter. It is beyond cruel to do this to the man you so recently professed to love. Have the decency to either end the affair now, or tell him your leaving today. There is no other honorable option. 

Yah, it will be hard Beni. Think how hard it will be for him, and he didn't even do anything. On a side note, do you know why I've never tried drugs Beni? I hear they are addicting. The same can be said with affairs. It's time to grow up and check your @ss into Betty Ford. Best of luck. LIL


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

He's not stuck. No kids yet. But she needs to let him go.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I don't agree on the "walk out of the door" advice. You can try to save the marriage, but you must STOP all contact with Ben, tell your husband everything, and seek counselling.

This will crush your husband and it will take years if you both recover at all.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Bad advice Sven. She has an addiction to the thrill of new sex. Just because she's able to get HIM out of the picture, the need for the thrill will still be there. Her husband doesn't need to put up with the heartache of helping HER out of her problem. Her husband has relatively little invested in her. Time for him to be given a clean slate to start over.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

She doesn't give a crap about Ben either, or who else Ben ****s. She's into the thrill of prohibited sex. Get rid of Ben and there will be others. Her hubby doens't need this.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Well...I'm going to listen and not argue. it's up to Beni here.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Oh poor Beni, you missed out on the "how to not act like an animal" course in life. In a couple of months that rush of excitement with Ben will wear off and you will need to find your next rush. Tell your husband what you are so he can get mad and leave you before your waste one single more day of his life. Then grow-up before you get involved in your next relationship. 

Its one thing to hear of a person cheating after years of abuse or neglect (still not right) but you never mention anything bad about your husband so it is simply you not being able to control your urges!! I feel sorry for your husband. He deserves better. 
Grow-up before you wreck your next husbands life.


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## beni (Nov 23, 2009)

thank you very much, you guys were very experienced, and expecially Cody were completely right, even though you were very tough on me and made me cry to say how cruel i am with Fred, but it's true, i'm into the thrill of this exciting sex, i'm not grow up yet and i'm not ready for marriage. 
but after reading many stories here about how much suffers people have after knowing about the wife's affair, and it will last for many years, i really think that i wont tell Fred to destroy him and to suffer me of seeing his pain. and i dont have the damn gut to leave Fred right now because i love him, i need him...i just tried so hard to heat up our sex life and it works... 
i know i'm selffish to keep Fred for myself now, but i just cant quit on him yet, maybe later, but right now it will be too much pains that i cant handle....
about Ben, i still can keep my strength up, and very soon i will need to leave away for 3 months so that will be really helpful of cutting him off.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

I would like to take this opportunity to point out there are "players" in this old world that knows how to push a woman's hot button's.They look for and pray upon women.

Not making excuses for beni's bad behavior.I agree she sounds like she is after the thrill of the "strange". 

I still say the fires down below has a special table reserved for un-remoresful cheaters.

beni....please be remorseful.You do you husband great dishonor for cheating.6 months is still honeymoon time,you 2 should be getting it on like bunnies.If you cheated within 6 months,where will you be in 10 years?Do him a favor and be honest and tell him about your love buddy.
He should be the one who decides the fate of your marriage.


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## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

beni said:


> thank you very much, you guys were very experienced, and expecially Cody were completely right, even though you were very tough on me and made me cry to say how cruel i am with Fred, but it's true, i'm into the thrill of this exciting sex, i'm not grow up yet and i'm not ready for marriage.
> but after reading many stories here about how much suffers people have after knowing about the wife's affair, and it will last for many years, i really think that i wont tell Fred to destroy him and to suffer me of seeing his pain. and i dont have the damn gut to leave Fred right now because i love him, i need him...i just tried so hard to heat up our sex life and it works...
> i know i'm selffish to keep Fred for myself now, but i just cant quit on him yet, maybe later, but right now it will be too much pains that i cant handle....
> about Ben, i still can keep my strength up, and very soon i will need to leave away for 3 months so that will be really helpful of cutting him off.


I'm thinking that it's time for you to do the right thing. You're hurting someone and being cruel because you don't want to deal with it - you need to realize that and convince yourself that it is bad behavior. Your hubby deserves better.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

what comes around...
goes around.


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## letmego (Jan 7, 2010)

Beni. I cant understand you why you cheated since you still love your husband so much?If you feel like the excitemet is decreased with your husband because you've been together too long,you can figure out a way to work things out insdead of cheating on a nice husband. I think you might be just a habitually cheater. Even if there is no Ben,it will be someone else.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Karma!


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## jayney (Jan 8, 2010)

*Confess to your affair and leave - otherwise you life is a lie.*

Confess to your affair, and leave - otherwise your life is a lie. 

4 years ago I was in a marriage of 9 years and i was also a part of this crazy Jehovahs Wittness religion who believe that you cant leave your marriage unless the bonds of marriage have been broken by (a) death or (b) infidelity.

Well sort of committing suicide (thought crossed my mind) i was in a very similar situation to you were I was becoming very friendly with my golf coach. (funnily my golf coach said that you need to be aware of both tennis and golf coaches - both notorious for affairs).

Well after a few months of very easy association and tuition and flirting... the sex was had and that night I rang my husband who works at the mines and told him that I was leaving. I never told him why but I dont believe in staying in an untrustworthy relationship. 

Here is my lesson. While on a religious stance I gave myself a justifiable reason to leave the marriage (apparently according to elders of the congregation his affairs online were not infidel enough and no support emotionally), but here is the catch...

I love my current partner but, christ! I find it so hard to trust. Not only because I have been cheated on but if a person like me who values trust and exclusivity in a relationship can sleep with someone else (even if for a one off time and for a good reason) then how can I trust anyone else. I have let myself down mostly, for a day I was someone who I hate.

It took me nine years to leave my marriage! One **** to end it and I do hope not the rest of my life to forgive myself and trust my partner.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Beni,

Married two years and you couldnt keep your legs together? I dont think you're gonna get much sympathy on here. I feel sorry for your husband thats hes got mixed up with a cheating *****.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

You mentioned that the only one who could save you was Fred... actually its you who needs to save yourself. Fred is not responsible for your cheating, and in fact you are cheating on yourself by denying yourself the opportunity to be in a trusting, loving relationship with what sounds to be a decent man. You are in need of the mirror of the person you want to see and be rather than who you really are... and if that doesnt change you will continue to cheat on Fred or whoever. If its that feeling, that thrill you are after, then do everyone including yourself a favor and stay single... its the only way to continually have sex with thrill. You will miss out on the awesomeness of deeply connected sex, but hey you will have that thrill.

My regards to Fred.


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

Beni

You are not just hurting your husband. You are destroying your own self worth and violating everything you know is right. You have got to deal with your adulterous lifestyle so that you can begin to respect yourself again.

You know on the inside that what you are doing is wrong. You can't possibly like who you are at this point in your life. You need to change on the inside.

Trying to reason in your mind about what you are doing will never change a thing. You need to admit that you are wrong and learn how to change your attitude about adultery.


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## John1970 (Jan 18, 2010)

*Perhaps my wife has an affair like you ...*

... but not after 2 years of marriage, but after 20 (but she still LOOKS 20!).

It's all so difficult and I can see how hard it was for her to love me (I'm so hard to get on with and hopeless at earning decent money for the family).

In your case it's something different, but she's also been on the verge of romances like yours. And I understand - these things are so hard for women, especially women, to resist. I believe you're more prone to act on the spur of the moment, to give in to feelings, because you just are this way. It's hard to accept (or sweet at times), but it's true.

If you like check out my blog where I write about my marriarge v. my wife's affair.


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## John1970 (Jan 18, 2010)

*Re: Perhaps my wife has an affair like you ...*

I forgot to post the blog's address:

meshehim


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

beni said:


> i want to tell my story ...


Let me tell YOU some things about Ben and Fred that you never said. Then, I will tell you how I know these things.

Fred

When you fell in love with Fred, you felt secure. You knew his love would last forever, you knew he would never hurt you, and you knew he would provide for you. *Fred usually wants the same things that you do.* When Fred wants something different from you, sometimes you agree, but you know that if you really insist, you will have your way. He is generous, kind, affectionate, and accomodating.

At first, your sex life was great. Over time it dropped off. The only real complaint that you have ever had about Fred is that, when your sex drive dropped, he started to act hurt when you would find excuses to postpone or avoid your once per week "intimate time". If you had to summarize Fred in one sentence you might say, "He is an all around nice guy, our marriage was perfect except that he wanted more sex than I did and acted hurt when I avoided intimacy with him."

Ben

Ben is exciting. He is masculine, emotionally distant, confident, strong, and he guzzles down life like a Viking warrior guzzles down mead. He has a ready laugh but also has an edge to him, perhaps even a hint of a temper. *You know he wants you, but you also know that he wants what he wants, and there is nothing you can do to change what he wants or bend him to your will.* There is less to say about Ben because, quite frankly, you just don't know him as well as you know Fred. You always know what Fred will say and do without having to ask him, but Ben is full of surprises, to the point where you are sometimes afraid of what his reaction will be ...

You

You still love Fred, but you are irresistably drawn to Ben. Fred was the husband that you always thought you wanted, and now that you have found him, you cannot imagine why you feel the way that you do. Your mind tells you that Ben is a no-win situation. Ben will never care for you, love you, or do anything more than use you for sex. Why do you ache for the touch of this person who has done nothing to deserve your love? Why do you feel an increase in your desire for your husband now? Why is it that for so long, your husband's touch meant nothing to you, while this dangerous and distant man owns your body ad soul?

You are filled with guilt, but you absolutely cannot, and will not, stop. You are very clever, and you know how to postpone your "Ben time" when needed to prevent your husband from fidning out, but the possibility of ever giving up on "Ben time" entirely fills you with dread. The fact that Ben will never love you as you love him gives you intense pain, and you long to tell your husband, your best friend, about your feelings ... so that he can help you. But you know you cannot.

Right?


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