# Caught watching spouse videos



## JohnMasters (Oct 31, 2021)

I have been married 15 years. My spouse is a great gal and quite lovely I think but our individual sex drives are off. As I've gotten myself in shape lately and with a bit of help from the little pills, I want to jump her bones nearly every day. She and I share good conversational intentions but at bedtime she has little interest.

She did a sexy strip dance for me a couple years after we got married and got really upset when she caught me watching it while I thought she was asleep. She relates it as the same as my viewing porn, which I had a problem with in the past - no more, but as the videos and some sexy photos are of _her_ exclusively, I don't see a problem with it and frankly think she would view it as a positive. 

Love my wife and want to do the right thing. Help!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Hmm well she made it for you right? I don’t see a problem with it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That is ridiculous. It sounds like she’s just looking for something to complain about so she can avoid intimacy with you. I think most wives would see it as a sign that her husband truly treasures her.

How is your sex life? Are you having sex on a regular intervals but just less than you desire or are you in a sexless marriage? How is your marriage other wise? Is there affection between the 2 of you outside of the bedroom?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She calls looking at a video of your own wife equivalent to porn? Sorry, that defies logic.
As said, she’s scared you might get fired up and want sex from her. Sounds like a dead bedroom to me.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

JohnMasters said:


> I have been married 15 years. My spouse is a great gal and quite lovely I think but our individual sex drives are off. As I've gotten myself in shape lately and with a bit of help from the little pills, I want to jump her bones nearly every day. She and I share good conversational intentions but at bedtime she has little interest.
> 
> She did a sexy strip dance for me a couple years after we got married and got really upset when she caught me watching it while I thought she was asleep. She relates it as the same as my viewing porn, which I had a problem with in the past - no more, but as the videos and some sexy photos are of _her_ exclusively, I don't see a problem with it and frankly think she would view it as a positive.
> 
> Love my wife and want to do the right thing. Help!


This makes no sense to me. My wife often made videos for me to watch while I was deployed or TDY... 

I have spent at least 8 of the last 13 years gone. The videos were the only way we could stay connected and feel desired by each other during that time.

The way I see it, you are not watching porn, you are watching _her._

I sent my wife videos as well. I once sent her a video of me masturbating while I was deployed in a pretty austere location in east Africa. Was that porn? Maybe so... But it was porn from me for her. 

I guess I just don't see the issue.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

You need to talk to her @JohnMasters as others have said it isn’t logical, but here is another spin on the situation. If she done it 13 years ago I assume she’s getting close to 40 she may look at it you are thinking of her how she was (looked) back then and that bothers her. That’s why you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel and that you are the one that is feeling she doesn’t feel the same about you as she did back then. But above all have a serious talk! Best of luck!


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## JohnMasters (Oct 31, 2021)

jsmart said:


> That is ridiculous. It sounds like she’s just looking for something to complain about so she can avoid intimacy with you. I think most wives would see it as a sign that her husband truly treasures her.
> 
> How is your sex life? Are you having sex on a regular intervals but just less than you desire or are you in a sexless marriage? How is your marriage other wise? Is there affection between the 2 of you outside of the bedroom?


Actually, yes. Everything was good until this blow up. I just can't equate videos of her with other online porn. Looking for an example of why I'm wrong.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

JohnMasters said:


> Actually, yes. Everything was good until this blow up. I just can't equate videos of her with other online porn. Looking for an example of why I'm wrong.


My advice? Quite looking for reasons why you are wrong, and start trying to figure out why your wife has an issue with you watching a video that she made for you.

Does she feel self conscious about her body today? Where is this coming from?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ask her kindly why it's bothering her. There will be a reason.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Did she know you were filming her?

EDIT: she obviously knew at the time, so maybe it was a turn on when you did the video but, since she disapproves of you watching porn, it's still porn so she got angry. It doesn't matter if was a video of her, what matters is that she still feels it's porn and you are not allowed to watch it...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Having thought about this, it may be that she wants you to find her attractive now rather than what she looked like many years ago.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe, ask her to make you a new movie?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

JohnMasters said:


> I have been married 15 years. My spouse is a great gal and quite lovely I think but our individual sex drives are off. As I've gotten myself in shape lately and with a bit of help from the little pills, I want to jump her bones nearly every day. She and I share good conversational intentions but at bedtime she has little interest.
> 
> She did a sexy strip dance for me a couple years after we got married and got really upset when she caught me watching it while I thought she was asleep. She relates it as the same as my viewing porn, which I had a problem with in the past - no more, but as the videos and some sexy photos are of _her_ exclusively,* I don't see a problem with it and frankly think she would view it as a positive.*
> 
> Love my wife and want to do the right thing. Help!


We don't see a problem, but SHE evidently does, which is the only opinion that actually counts. Maybe flashback to your previous "problem"? Is there lingering resentment from that? And was that "problem" also rooted in her being LD?

The threads are filled with "individual sex drives that are off". Why the LD partner doesn't at least try to "rise to the occasion" is a mystery. Maybe it is just desire to control another human being by putting a choke collar and leash on their partner's natural libido? Surely they realize the potential misery that awaits ignoring the situation. IMO, your wife is being selfish. There are women on here who would love for their husband to "jump their bones" every day, but their husband has no interest. 

Somehow all of the LD people need to figure out how to join with one another in happy matrimony caring for cats.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I gotta say, I don't know where some of y'all find these people....I can't imagine what she would do if you didn't like the dinner she made....

I'm thinking this has nothing to do with the actual video....


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> I gotta say, I don't know where some of y'all find these people....I can't imagine what she would do if you didn't like the dinner she made....
> 
> I'm thinking this has nothing to do with the actual video....


It could be, because it was taken in a sexy moment, that she's comparing her sexy moment to moments when she doesn't feel sexy and thinks he prefers the video to her.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> It could be, because it was taken in a sexy moment, that she's comparing her sexy moment to moments when she doesn't feel sexy and thinks he prefers the video to her.


So would she rather he be jerking off to a 22 year old IG model, instead?

He clearly stated that he wants to bone her all the time....So how is that not real desire? If she has a hang up, then quite frankly that is on her.,,

Like stated previously, this aint about the video...She cashed out on the game and now wants to control him/his sexuality...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maybe it brought her back to a past that she did not like.

You see your sexy and pretty wife dancing. 
Um, with her boobs moving up and down, those wagging hips, inviting.

She sees flashbacks of that time, where bad memories, linger and prance, painfully about.

You can never get enough of those moves.

Maybe she feels, flatly used.

..........or..........

Did something happen in your marriage that turned her love off for you?
Something else, not mentioned?

She does not want to remember those intimate days, because now they are dust in the back of her mind.

She resents you, whatever the reason.

Your past porn use, likely did it, she was badly wounded by it.

She so much has said the same thing.

It matters not what you or anyone else thinks on this subject.
She does not like or appreciate it.

Answer?

Individual counseling for her, maybe too, for you.




_Mabel-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing is....

Are you watching this without her being present?
She likely thinks this.

If you are, then, she sees you getting excited in her absence.
She feels abused and left out.

With this, seemingly obsessive masturbatory behavior of yours.

Done, in her absence, this old obsessive thought of hers, that abscessed aching tooth of hers.

It is the act itself that she hates, your act, not the naked actress, her, formerly filmed.

Tell her you will give your life to her, and both of your hands.



_Nemesis! _


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

No issues. 
The consensus will be that you're right. 
That doesn't mean you're going to win a single argument over it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She’s no longer that young vibrant woman that was confident of her sexual power. So in her head, you might as well be lusting after some other woman. It’s hard for us men to get into our wives brains. I guess maybe you have to think how you would feel if she was pleasuring herself to images of you when you were young and fit. If you’re still fit and maintained your sexual vigor, it would probably not bother you but if you’re no longer in shape and/or lost your mojo, you might feel threatened.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Having thought about this, it may be that she wants you to find her attractive now rather than what she looked like many years ago.


I wondered about this as well.

OP, how different does your wife look compared to this video? If she looks a lot different she may feel self conscious.

I don't think that would make you wrong, but it would be worth having a conversation to reassure her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JohnMasters said:


> I have been married 15 years. My spouse is a great gal and quite lovely I think but our individual sex drives are off. As I've gotten myself in shape lately and with a bit of help from the little pills, I want to jump her bones nearly every day. She and I share good conversational intentions but at bedtime she has little interest.
> 
> She did a sexy strip dance for me a couple years after we got married and got really upset when she caught me watching it while I thought she was asleep. She relates it as the same as my viewing porn, which I had a problem with in the past - no more, but as the videos and some sexy photos are of _her_ exclusively, I don't see a problem with it and frankly think she would view it as a positive.
> 
> Love my wife and want to do the right thing. Help!


If she doesn't want you watching it, she should get rid of it. Maybe she's sorry she made it and now she feels embarrassed about it and feels like it's exploiting or objectifying her some way. It doesn't really matter her logic. I can see why it's confusing to you and I'm sure to others reading this, but if she doesn't want you watching it, you should respect her wishes. 

You can't expect her to want to keep up with you on boner pills. Unless she was wanting more before, nothing has changed.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If she doesn't want you watching it, she should get rid of it. Maybe she's sorry she made it and now she feels embarrassed about it and feels like it's exploiting or objectifying her some way. It doesn't really matter her logic. I can see why it's confusing to you and I'm sure to others reading this, but if she doesn't want you watching it, you should respect her wishes.
> 
> You can't expect her to want to keep up with you on boner pills. Unless she was wanting more before, nothing has changed.


I agree. Please respect your wife's wishes and stop watching/get rid of the video if that is what she wants.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I agree. *Please respect your wife's wishes and stop watching/get rid of the video if that is what she wants.*


My wife made me destroy a nude picture I took of her with a Polaroid when we had been married about 3 years. She was rightly concerned our kids (or grandkids) would find it someday. And had to agree with her. Not sure why took it in the first place, more of the stupidity of youth I suppose.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like a case where she did something sexual when she was younger, and now does not act that way anymore and would not make you the same video again.

people change. and especially with sex acts, some things they do when younger they will NEVER do again today!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

As a wife with little interest in sex, I would be more than happy if my husband entertained himself with a video of mine instead of bothering me for the real thing...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> It could be, because it was taken in a sexy moment, that she's comparing her sexy moment to moments when she doesn't feel sexy and thinks he prefers the video to her.


Lol, he was getting sex from her when the video was made, now he’s not. He kinda SHOULD prefer the video to her.
His sex life sucks and so does his wife. Well, she probably doesn’t suck. She’s just an overall cold woman. Don’t watch porn- no sex for you! Don’t watch a video of me naked that I made for you to watch!!!! That’s porn. No sex for you.
The common theme……, no sex for you!!!!!

hint: there are women out there that do like sex and WANT you, and will complain if you’re not giving them enough.

BTW, if her video is porn according to her, at least you can walk around the house referring to you as your “porn star”…..


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Maybe she he can ask for a new one as she currently is? I m sure she won’t do it because not only is she not the young vibrant woman she was but it seems she’s also aged beyond her years in her sexuality. There are some women that even into their late 50s exude a sensuality that makes them young at heart and still very desirable. Then you have some who are like OPs wife. Even if fit for their age, give off a old vibe. 

Since the majority of women are sexually reactive, it is up to the husband to up his game to keep his wife attracted. What’s weird is that many of these same women would be giving it up more enthusiastically for way less effort from the guy if they found themselves divorced.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jsmart said:


> *Maybe she he can ask for a new one as she currently is?* I m sure she won’t do it because not only is she not the young vibrant woman she was but it seems she’s also aged beyond her years in her sexuality. There are some women that even into their late 50s exude a sensuality that makes them young at heart and still very desirable. Then you have some who are like OPs wife. Even if fit for their age, give off a old vibe.
> 
> Since the majority of women are sexually reactive, *it is up to the husband to up his game to keep his wife attracted.* What’s weird is that many of these same women would be giving it up more enthusiastically for way less effort from the guy if they found themselves divorced.


First, I can understand a woman who has had children, gained some weight being concerned about her current body image and feeling uncomfortable with her husband viewing an old sex tape as almost being like him viewing porn. It is all about her feeling emotionally threatened about her H rather viewing a "different" body than that of his wife. 

She should prefer him to love her body, but she doesn't.

Second, it is not solely up to the husband "to keep his wife attracted." Yes, he has a role, but it should not be "up to" him.

This sounds like a couple that needs to do some serious communications on sex and would probably help with some marriage counseling.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I remember my XWW caught me looking at a picture of her in lingerie that we had taken a couple years previously. She became unreasonably pissed. I was baffled by her reaction. I didn’t see anything wrong with it and I remember thinking why wouldn’t she be flattered that her husband still lusted after her. 

Later on, I realized this was during the time she was cheating on me, but before I found out. During this time, our sex life was almost nonexistent. I was a healthy man with a strong sex drive that was being denied access to the one woman I yearned for. I guess I was just reminiscing about the days when our sex life was great.

In retrospect, I think her reaction was just an excuse to be mad at me and justify what she was doing even though there was no logic to it.

I’m not saying you wife is cheating, I’m just sharing my story.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JohnMasters said:


> Actually, yes. Everything was good until this blow up. I just can't equate videos of her with other online porn. Looking for an example of why I'm wrong.


It does not exist, you are not wrong.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Having thought about this, it may be that she wants you to find her attractive now rather than what she looked like many years ago.


That's what I thought. Maybe she's had kids since and a bit insecure about how she looks now.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

JohnMasters said:


> She relates it as the same as my viewing porn,
> 
> which I had a problem with in the past


As others have said, 

she may be seeing her younger self as a different woman

getting rattled about her current looks / desirability 

getting reminded of her current disinterest 

- OR - 

getting triggered re your previous porn use, ie, she may feel this is a slippery slope back to porn for you

Find out from her what's behind her reaction, it could be very insightful outside of this incident too.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> As a wife with little interest in sex, I would be more than happy if my husband entertained himself with a video of mine instead of bothering me for the real thing...


even better, hook your husband up with your horniest single GF, so you would no longer need to do any sex at all.


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## Slowhand (Oct 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm well she made it for you right? I don’t see a problem with it.


No problem with it? I think that is most inconsiderate. At best, he should find out why she objects to him watching it. Ask her how it makes her feel. Communication on all matters is always good for a marriage. Feeling are feelings. Don't judge them. They are real to that person. Deal with them. That has always been my approach for 50 years of marriage to one woman.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> As a wife with little interest in sex, I would be more than happy if my husband entertained himself with a video of mine instead of bothering me for the real thing...


This has puzzled me given your other posts.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

JohnMasters said:


> ... but at bedtime she has little interest.


How about focusing more on the aspect of her disinterest?

Plus consider if there's some truth for you through the words of @SunCMars ...although the 'answers' are between you and your wife and the dynamic you have created / are creating.


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> You need to talk to her @JohnMasters as others have said it isn’t logical, but here is another spin on the situation. If she done it 13 years ago I assume she’s getting close to 40 she may look at it you are thinking of her how she was (looked) back then and that bothers her. That’s why you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel and that you are the one that is feeling she doesn’t feel the same about you as she did back then. But above all have a serious talk! Best of luck!


So... she's jealous of... herself?

In all seriousness, my guess is that her sex drive and adventurousness isn't what it was when the video was taken, and she's more embarrassed than anything. And by him watching this old video, it only makes her feel "old". Not necessarily in the physical sense, but in all the other ways.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense considering OP is still attracted to her and wants to jump her every day - as she is, and looks, right now. But when somebody doesn't FEEL attractive or sexy, or especially is lacking drive, then it's not difficult for them to assume their partner views them as a piece of meat, a means to an end.

When someone watches porn, it's only about the physical attraction and nothing else. Regardless of whether it's OP's wife or a stranger, he's only looking at one thing and getting excited. Given that, in this case, it's HER body, he really only is viewing it at as a physical thing. And that, imo, is why so many people take issue with porn, rightly or wrongly. You're only looking at the physical as a means of gratification, and that doesn't sit well with some people.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I think the core of the issue here is OP's previous issues with porn. Technically the video of your wife is porn. Porn is simply the depiction of erotic behavior designed to get someone sexually excited. The video clearly meets that definition. Under most circumstances I would agree that this shouldn't be a big deal, however, it is apparently a big deal for the wife for some reason. I suspect the OP had a pretty bad porn issue and his wife sees this as a return to that behavior. @JohnMasters how bad was your porn issue in the past?

I suggest you focus on your wife's lack of interest in sex and try to work on that. Work on figuring out what turns her on and how you can work with that. Also, why are you taking those "little pills" if it is pushing your sex drive well beyond your wife's? I completely on board with wanting sex from your wife all the time, but it is on you to work with her to make that happen. Watching old videos of her doesn't seem to be helping. Trying suggesting that she re-enact the video while you both watch it.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

jsmart said:


> it is up to the husband to up his game to keep his wife attracted. What’s weird is that many of these same women would be giving it up more enthusiastically for way less effort from the guy if they found themselves divorced.


If this is true (generalizing of course) then this is fundamentally ****ty and wickedly unfair, stupid & wrong. My fear is that there’s some truth to this….


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> If this is true (generalizing of course) then this is fundamentally ****ty and wickedly unfair, stupid & wrong. My fear is that there’s some truth to this….


Welcome to real life! The same is true about men, as well. It's not a gender specific thing. When my ex wife left, I paid a little more attention to myself, how I dressed, looked and acted. Much of it was subconscious, too. The reality is, when you already have a partner, you often forget to continually attract that partner throughout the course of the relationship. Looking back at my first marriage, I can safely say I did that, to a certain degree. Not egregiously, I didn't "give up", I just got comfortable and into a routine.

That said, in my first marriage, my ex wife accidentally fell into that DURING the marriage, and that proved to be why it ended. She was 'girl next door' attractive. She lost weight (without trying, it was job-related) and simply felt better about herself and her body. She wasn't really overweight to begin with, but she got down to a size zero (ie. supermodel weight lol) and started dressing better, wearing makeup, doing her hair and generally acting the part. She felt good about herself and her body. That invited a LOT of attraction from others, and she liked it, and frankly it's hard to blame her. It's not like I didn't pay attention to her, or had stopped by this point, I was still very much attracted to her, but no more than I ever had been. This quickly turned into comparing her new self to me (normal average guy, t-shirt and jeans, just like she used to be) with the perceived calibre of men who were now paying attention to her (ie. in better shape, dressed better, alpha male types). And that was the end of that!

So she literally went through the "mating call" phase during our marriage, which is what most people do when they're single and trying to attract a partner. We better ourselves for the sake of finding a mate, same as animals do. It's perfectly normal.

This will also sometimes include more sexual adventurousness with women when they're trying to attract a mate. It's in people's heads that that's the way to a man's attention, if not heart.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

thedude3535 said:


> The reality is, when you already have a partner, you often forget to continually attract that partner throughout the course of the relationship.


Not me. I am continuously working to improve myself physically. Road biking to keep the fat off and this summer I built a dream gym in my home for serious weightlifting 3+ times per week. Others are starting to notice, although I’m doing this for myself.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

jsmart said:


> That is ridiculous. It sounds like she’s just looking for something to complain about so she can avoid intimacy with you. I think most wives would see it as a sign that her husband truly treasures her.
> 
> How is your sex life? Are you having sex on a regular intervals but just less than you desire or are you in a sexless marriage? How is your marriage other wise? Is there affection between the 2 of you outside of the bedroom?


I completely agree with the above! I had a boudoir shoot done for my husband. Had a beautiful book made, hardcover and was really excited to gift it to him. I gave it to him Christmas of 2015. He 'loved' it, shed a tear even, though I couldn't understand why. But then I put it up in our closet, tucked away. He never looked it at since. Not once. 

You know what it was he has looked at though? Loads and loads of porn. Sad. Here I am, er, there I was, I'm 20 years younger and still not his treasure. I think your wife is being a baby and avoiding whatever her real issue is.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I completely agree with the above! I had a boudoir shoot done for my husband. Had a beautiful book made, hardcover and was really excited to gift it to him. I gave it to him Christmas of 2015. He 'loved' it, shed a tear even, though I couldn't understand why. But then I put it up in our closet, tucked away. He never looked it at since. Not once.
> 
> You know what it was he has looked at though? Loads and loads of porn. Sad. Here I am, er, there I was, I'm 20 years younger and still not his treasure. I think your wife is being a baby and avoiding whatever her real issue is.


Porn is a real sickness in way too many marriages. There actually guys who can’t get it up or just be into having sex with their wives. As for your husband don’t be surprised if he hasn’t at least a few times sneakily taken the book down, lustily jerked to your pics, and then strategically put it back so it looks like he hasn’t looked at it?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Porn is a real sickness in way too many marriages. There actually guys who can’t get it up or just be into having sex with their wives. As for your husband don’t be surprised if he hasn’t at least a few times sneakily taken the book down, lustily jerked to your pics, and then strategically put it back so it looks like he hasn’t looked at it?


He hasn't, I actually got rid it a few years ago I was so irritated with him one day. He's never asked about since the night I gave it to him. 

Would have been thrilled to find out he actually wanted to see it or whatever but nope.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Ask her kindly why it's bothering her. There will be a reason.


She may not share the reason


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Probably doesn't like that he still has that video. There could also be something else going on where he was getting himeself all worked up and then being demanding. But we'll never know since this is an old thread.

As to the mystery why she's not all ready to step up and have sex more because he is, she's not on erection pills.


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