# How do I ask for a divorce?



## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

Hello everyone reading this....... I have a question that I’m hoping people can help me with.

I have been married for the past 4 years, to someone I’ve known since 2007. We started off as friends with benefits, but being young at the time (around 18 years), I feel in love with him. I then asked him out 3 times until he agreed to date me. 

Since then we dated and got engaged. I remember at one point before he proposed, I cried in the bathroom thinking he wasn’t the man I wanted to marry. I also did some counseling course where we had to talk about our life, & each person in class said I didn’t really love him. But I married him because I didn’t think I’d get anyone else. 

Fast forward to now. We’re married but we’re always arguing with each other. We get on each other nerves EVERYDAY. He’s so negative and is always complaining and bitter about one thing or the other. It really drains me. Actually, I can say we USED to argue and he USED to get on my nerves. I don’t care anymore to have the energy to fight. I am not at all happy in the marriage, and I have cheated on him with multiple men (sex with 3 men, but kissing with many more) and in feel no guilt at all, because I come home to someone who lacks ambition and drive, who’s always angry at me, who doesn’t initiate sex (I have been initiating sex with him for the past 3 years!!)

I’ve asked him for an open relationship, I’ve told him I can not be monogamous, I have told him he’s allowed to be with other women. So it’s not like I want to have it all and him nothing. It’s a 2 way street. He’s refused to it. And he refused to acknowledge when I TELL him I am not into monogamy. Also, once he kept calling me to ask me where I was (I had a business meeting). I found it suspicious and later I asked and he said his friends 18 year old cousin needed a lift so he brought her into MY home as he needed to “change clothes to his football wear”. The man is 35. I told him I don’t care what he does he better not bring another woman home. I respect him enough to do my stuff outside I’d never bring a man into this house. He got angry saying how dare I accuse him etc. 

Wow, more memories coming up- When we were dating I saw naked girls pics on his phone. He told me that if you view someone’s WhatsApp picture it downloads automatically to your phone. I beloved him (I was 19 he was 25 & I was madly in love). Also saw some suggestive email from his colleague that he said was harmless flirting. Finally; once I went to give him a bj and it smelled like another woman’s ‘you know what’. I’ve never spoken about it before because I don’t even know if that’s a thing. 

To this day he doesn’t share his salary with me because it’s a “man’s thing” and “his business”. We have separate accounts. He borrowed money from his boss to pay for our house (my parents paid the other half) and when I ask if he paid off his debt he got angry and shouted at me. Then he told me a story and apparently his boss lent him 1,000 dollars to buy his car. I asked him if he will pay him back he said no his boss didn’t ask him for the cash. I HATE that he takes money from people so easily. He hasn’t paid my parents the money he owed them. At the same time I am between jobs so not earning yet I’m asked to pay 50% of the bill, when he AGREED he’d support the bills until I get a job. 


Finally, I decided to test him. I told him I had an std (I didn’t) and he should get checked. I wanted to see his reaction. The man didn’t even ask me any questions as to how or where or when I got it. All he said was “I’m clean” and changed the topic. If your SO told you they had an std won’t you have a different reaction to being so calm and denying you have it. 

I stopped sex with him completely 5 weeks ago as I haven’t been attracted to him in a long time and I just can’t fake it anymore. We barely communicate, we don’t have any date nights or things we do together. 

I have been seeing a man for the past 6 months and we have (obviously) developed feelings for each other.
I believe he married me because my family is richer than his (my parents paid half the money for our house that we live in, and he borrowed money from his boss for the other half). He has a very comfortable life with me. 

I want to get a divorce. But here is the thing—-


he doesn’t hit me (he has said he sometimes feels like hitting me). He does smack me sometimes, (but it never hurts) 
he hasn’t cheated on me (that I know of)
There is no reason to leave him apart from I have fallen out of love. I know that happens in marriage, but we don’t even have a friendship. 
He really does care for me when I’m sick which is a good thing 
He thinks our marriage is fine, and for him, divorce isn’t an option. 

So my question is—- is it bad to get a divorce when I am not into this marriage. I mean is it bad for me to do this to him? Don’t people leave marriages for serious reasons?

I really want out. I have been with him since 18 but I feel I’ve grown now as a person. I’m working hard etc, but he’s in the same place. No self growth. 

Sorry for the long post but I don’t know how else I can get the answers I need!!

Thanks in advance


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

1. You don't ask for a divorce, you tell them you want a divorce. It's not up to them if that's what you've decided.

2. If you want to get a divorce as you feel the marriage is irretrievably broken from your perspective, yes, get one.


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## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

hubbyintrubby said:


> 1. You don't ask for a divorce, you tell them you want a divorce. It's not up to them if that's what you've decided.
> 
> 2. If you want to get a divorce as you feel the marriage is irretrievably broken from your perspective, yes, get one.


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## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

that’s short and sweet haha. Thanks!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Yes. You don't ask for a divorce. Just say: I'm divorcing you.

When he ask why? just say: so you know. I've been cheating on you for 6 months now, so I do have another man already. I never really loved you and I want out. That's why I had cheated on you with many men.

All the rest of your post is nothing but dribble excuses for your morally bankrupt character. That's all.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Yes, you need to tell him that you’ll be filing for a divorce immediately because your marriage is irreparably broken.

it sounds like you either married a loser, or you’re rewriting history to rationalize what you’re doing. May be a bit of both. Either way, this marriage needs to end.

You’ve been a despicable wife and a bad person. Even if your husband is a useless bag of hammers, you’re not entitled to treat him that way. It’s disgusting and shows horrible character on your part. 
You better get yourself and your character figured out before getting into another serious relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you tell him you have cheated multiple times he will probably divorce you, as well he should.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

[email protected] said:


> he doesn’t hit me (he has said he sometimes feels like hitting me). He does smack me sometimes, (but it never hurts)


In the US, we have ways of dealing with that. It's never okay for him to hit you. 


> he hasn’t cheated on me (that I know of)


You have no clue if he has cheated on you. A lot of signs are there.


> There is no reason to leave him apart from I have fallen out of love. I know that happens in marriage, but we don’t even have a friendship.


What other reason is there? 


> He really does care for me when I’m sick which is a good thing


You can hire a nurse or get a family member to do that. Or one of your boyfriends.


> He thinks our marriage is fine, and for him, divorce isn’t an option.


It's not just his choice. It takes two.


> So my question is—- is it bad to get a divorce when I am not into this marriage. I mean is it bad for me to do this to him? Don’t people leave marriages for serious reasons?


It's bad to stay in your marriage. Do him a favor, get divorced to free him up and to free you up. So many men, so little time.


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## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Yes. You don't ask for a divorce. Just say: I'm divorcing you.
> 
> When he ask why? just say: so you know. I've been cheating on you for 6 months now, so I do have another man already. I never really loved you and I want out. That's why I had cheated on you with many men.
> 
> ...


Yes, I do have a morally bankrupt character. Can’t deny that.


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## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Yes, you need to tell him that you’ll be filing for a divorce immediately because your marriage is irreparably broken.
> 
> it sounds like you either married a loser, or you’re rewriting history to rationalize what you’re doing. May be a bit of both. Either way, this marriage needs to end.
> 
> ...


No, I’m certainly not entitled to treat him that way. As much as I have a horrible character, I at least am aware of it and know this marriage needs to end. I’m not one of those that wants to cheat and stay in a marriage. What i forgot to mention in the initial post (I will try edit it now) is that I’ve asked him for an open relationship, I’ve told him I can not be monogamous, I have told him he’s allowed to be with other women. So it’s not like I want to have it all and him nothing. It’s a 2 way street


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## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

Sfort said:


> In the US, we have ways of dealing with that. It's never okay for him to hit you.
> 
> You have no clue if he has cheated on you. A lot of signs are there.
> What other reason is there?
> ...


Truth. There are signs of him cheating on me before marriage. That I used to ignore as I was young and in love. Also, he once refused sex for 3 weeks. Getting from somewhere else? Probably


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

[email protected] said:


> Since then we dated and got engaged. I remember at one point before he proposed, I cried in the bathroom thinking he wasn’t the man I wanted to marry. I also did some counseling course where we had to talk about our life, & each person in class said I didn’t really love him. But I married him because I didn’t think I’d get anyone else.





[email protected] said:


> (I was 19 he was 25 & I was madly in love).





[email protected] said:


> I was young and in love.


One of these things is not like the others....


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## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> One of these things is not like the others....


 ooh; sorry. So I mean I was in love when younger. Madly in love (when 18). By the time he proposed I was like 26. Maybe I didn’t explain the timeline properly... my bad. So basically I was in love and then slowly fell out of love as the years went by


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Now you know that being monogamous isn’t something you’re interested in so don’t go beyond casual once you’re divorced.


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## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Now you know that being monogamous isn’t something you’re interested in so don’t go beyond casual once you’re divorced.


 agreed. Marriage just isn’t for me. I want to concentrate on my career and if I need male companionship I will get it as and when. But I can’t do this whole marry one person gig.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What a mess! Of all the crazy, the craziest is lying about an std to test him out? 

You think you couldn’t get anyone else, but cheated, so ok you’re capable and can find someone, guys want you. 

So you’re asking how to ask for a divorce? Then you put in the hard yards and do your own research and do the hard work and get one. Adults know how to book doctor’s appointments, do the grocery shopping, pay bills, get to work, wash dishes. So you make some calls, find a lawyer and get a divorce. Easy!


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## [email protected] (May 15, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> What a mess! Of all the crazy, the craziest is lying about an std to test him out?
> 
> You think you couldn’t get anyone else, but cheated, so ok you’re capable and can find someone, guys want you.
> 
> So you’re asking how to ask for a divorce? Then you put in the hard yards and do your own research and do the hard work and get one. Adults know how to book doctor’s appointments, do the grocery shopping, pay bills, get to work, wash dishes. So you make some calls, find a lawyer and get a divorce. Easy!



Oh, so my parents said that people were asking if I was single when younger (I’m Indian and you know how other families ask about girl’s eligibility). Yes, apparently I was desirable. But years of being told im fat and ugly & having my friends have all the men ruined my self esteem.


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