# Marriage Issues..Ladies I need help..please



## stepmomandwife08 (Nov 18, 2008)

*Marriage Issues..I need help..please*

I know this sounds crazy but I need help...I dont know how to communicate with my husband the right way..I grew up in a home where you get yelled at,being abused and didnt have the option of communicating how you felt,your thoughts on anything, we had to bottle it up and deal with it on our own..and now because of this my marriage is suffering...I dont know how to talk to him about issues that we have..I have a hard time finding a resolution and communicating with him.We are very open with sex and what we want and dont want.But when it comes down to issues I have NO clue about resolving issues and good communication..Does anyone have any advice on this?

thanks!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i had a childhood with all kinds of issues, too. it does explode when you try to really love someone. i've had luck doing boundary books, self help books, and counseling.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

did you ever think about writting it down or trying through e-mail? Sometimes putting it on papaer or computer makes it easier to communicate your feelings.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ship-work-part-1-communication.html#post26823

hope this helps

draconis


----------



## stepmomandwife08 (Nov 18, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> did you ever think about writting it down or trying through e-mail? Sometimes putting it on papaer or computer makes it easier to communicate your feelings.


Well I would write an email but Im not sure how to even express myself.I grew up in a home where you don't talk about whats bothering you..you pretty much just deal with things on your own.Like conflicts that's a very touchy subject.When i was growing up if there's conflict there would always be abuse with that conflict..weather it be my mom being hurt or the kids.You get so used to being in this one type of mind set and then you go to this other where communication is the key and its very hard to get out of old habits.Even my older sister thats married there's the same issues in her marriage.Over time shes gotten better and shes been married 6 years.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How long have you been married? Do you feel you know your husband well enough to know how he handles conflict? If you feel safe in that way (that discussions won't get loud/uncomfortable) you have a great opportunity to change this. Would you be willing to share an example of something that you've burried that you or he feel you should talk to him about?


----------



## stepmomandwife08 (Nov 18, 2008)

swedish said:


> How long have you been married? Do you feel you know your husband well enough to know how he handles conflict? If you feel safe in that way (that discussions won't get loud/uncomfortable) you have a great opportunity to change this. Would you be willing to share an example of something that you've burried that you or he feel you should talk to him about?


We have been married 9months from yesterday so 9 months plus one day! Yay go us! My husband is very good at conflicts and wants to solve them asap..but sometimes i get mad because he wasnt to resolve issues and wont let them die and just doesnt leave issues alone till they are completely resolved..

heck i may even forget about the issue and he still remembers them..then i get pissed because he still wants to talk about it and that's when the conversation gets VERY heated...I guess this is more about conflict resolution..I hate confrontations and it ALL goes back to how i grew up..confrontations and conflicts always ended with someone abused.So i still have that thought way back in my mind that this could happen..I know my husband good enough that he would never lay a hand on me and he knows the day it happens im out.

There's really not any buried conflicts now..its just that we have to go through this heated conversation till i know the right words to say.. I cant just come out and say it then he over analyzes things and sometimes my reasons isnt good enough for him so i get pissed off and close up and say nothing,never mind,or I don't know and that's my famous words i use.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I don't like confrontation either so I can relate to you in avoiding it like the plague! Not from a fear of physical abuse but the verbal type is scary enough for me. When you are having a disagreement, do you talk calmly at first? That is the best time to bring resolution and then both of you let it go...When it gets very heated...I would shut down too, and don't plan to work on or get better at handling those situations...if a person can't have a calm discussion with me...i'm out. It's hard to say w/o knowing how this starts out and when it becomes heated.


----------



## stepmomandwife08 (Nov 18, 2008)

swedish said:


> I don't like confrontation either so I can relate to you in avoiding it like the plague! Not from a fear of physical abuse but the verbal type is scary enough for me. When you are having a disagreement, do you talk calmly at first? That is the best time to bring resolution and then both of you let it go...When it gets very heated...I would shut down too, and don't plan to work on or get better at handling those situations...if a person can't have a calm discussion with me...i'm out. It's hard to say w/o knowing how this starts out and when it becomes heated.



It starts out just fine but then i answer with one of my famous words.then it just gets headed from there and he wont leave the issue alone till its solved...We did talk last night about compromising so maybe if i work on this talking issue he can work on over analyzing things


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

nothing, nevermind and i don't know can easily translate to i don't care enough about this issue to talk about it, which is probably what he finds frustrating because it will not get resolved, especially if the same issue comes back up again later. If nevermind really means now that I think about it, I'm okay with what you're saying, I blew it out of proportion or whatever then say that. If it's to end the conversation but whatever it was still bothers you don't get stressed about feeling you have to defend yourself or win the argument...in many cases it may be certain things leave you feeling a certain way that he may not understand so you go back and forth...in those cases, sometimes it's best to come out and say the reason you think this or that is because it makes you feel this way or that way. You own how you feel and he may offer things that change the way you feel but if they don't, they don't. At least he will know where you stand.


----------

