# Help me before I ruin (what I think is ) a good relationship



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I have put up my situation on various thread. The latest is here : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-really-drawback-being-completely-honest.html

I realise what is eating away at me are a couple things:

1. he lied to me as he tried to frame this woman as "just a friend"

2. I am now aware of the difference in treatment between me and her during this time period even though he keeps telling me how much better a person I am compared to her (his treatment of her is much better)

and he also knew that 1) she was doing online dating; and 2) she had already started to date the guy that became her bf.

3. the fear that if I hadn't snooped he would still be telling me what a great friend she is (the implicit message: if you have a problem with this, there must be something wrong with you) and trying to find time to spend with her.

4. the fact that he had completely forgotten nice things that I had done for him during this period like cooking dinner for him for his birthday and ordering the exact cake that he wanted (he later told me during these discussions that the cake wasn't that great after all) . the reason why he did that was because he was trying to support his excuse that I had done nothing to show him that I cared.

5. the fact that during this time period he tried to dress up his making reservations for dinner (as detailed in an e-mail) as the dinner in which she celebrated his birthday. He climed, in an e-mail to me that she did show up with a b-day card. Which he later admitted was not true.

So as I try to lay a healthy ground for a marriage, as he asked me to marry him, can anyone give me any ideas as to why it's difficult to let go of this.

And what I can do about it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can go to counseling to learn to like yourself so you no longer need a User/Loser guy in your life and you will no longer tolerate such poor treatment.

He doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> You can go to counseling to learn to like yourself so you no longer need a User/Loser guy in your life and you will no longer tolerate such poor treatment.
> 
> He doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect you.


He's actually doing the right things now. I guess I am annoyed that he couldn't be honest about the past.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you are in counseling?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> So you are in counseling?


I have been referred for CBT, cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but other things are going on in my life,not just my relationship.

But still it would nice if I could start a thread about my issue and other people might kindly offer their input and interaction. I keep wondering why is that some people can get 5 or 20 pages on their issue and yet, despite the 57 likes I''ve gotten for responding to other people's threads, no one wants to give me any assistance.

can I for once be that child who acts up because they need help like everyone else and actually get it?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

oops,sorry, I just checked, I only 55 likes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look, the thing is, you can't change him. You never could, never will. 

The only thing you have control over is you. Learning that, living that, is very empowering and freeing. Once you realize that you need to live your life for what YOU need - and if someone won't give you that, you remove that person from your life and look for someone who will - everything else falls away.

Stop trying to turn him into what you want. Decide what you want and seek someone who is already that person.

And if you've been referred for CBT, you probably need it. Postponing it doesn't remove the need.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Okay, first let me say that I read your previous thread AND this one and I STILL feel somewhat confused about your story. From what I've ascertained (and correct me if I'm wrong) you and now-fiance have been together for a while. He had an EA (while you were dating) with a woman he claimed was 'just a friend.' You subsequently became engaged and have been unable to 'let go' of his past actions.


> So as I try to lay a healthy ground for a marriage, as he asked me to marry him, can anyone give me any ideas as to why it's difficult to let go of this.


The reasons you can't let go are are written within your numbered recounting of the facts. You just can't see it because you are emotionally involved with your fiance.

1. He lied to you. He cheated on you. He was involved with another woman and he LIED to you.
2. He treated his OW better than he treated you even while acknowledging to you that you are a better person.
3. You don't trust him. You're left wondering if this will happen in the future. How will you know? How can you protect yourself?
4. You feel unappreciated for the special efforts you have made on his behalf in the past.
5. He lied to you. I'm unclear on this one...Is he claiming OW made the birthday dinner surprise reservation and invited HIM, but you know HE made the reservation and invited HER? 

It seems obvious to me that you are engaged to a man who lied to you and cheated on you. You're not sure you can trust him in the future not to do the same things again (with her or with someone else.) THAT is WHY you can't 'let go' of these past hurts. It is YOUR MIND's way of warning you that there are SERIOUS issues in this relationship.


> And what I can do about it


You two need some serious pre-marital counseling to resolve these issues. *If* they can't be resolved to where YOU feel your fiance is a trustworthy person with whom to build a life and a future, then you need to cut your losses NOW...before the wedding.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You can't let go of these feelings because your gut is telling you that this man is not right for you. Listen to it! Why do you want to marry a man who lies to you? Who does not make you a priority in his life?

You think there is some magic wand that will make your relationship healthy. You need to have strong boundaries, and to respect yourself. You deserve better than a man who thinks it is fine to lie to your face with no regret. He thinks his feelings are more important than yours are. You seem to think this too. Do not settle for this.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree completely with lovesherman. This man hasn't shown the attributes of a man ready to marry and settle down with the love of his life, for the rest of his life.

This is a man sort of going along with you while getting w/e else he can on the side. You do not want to marry a man thinking that way. You are setting yourself up for a lot of misery.

You deserve better. I know it's hard when you still love this man, but you should consider leaving him. If he matures on his own later, great... maybe give it another go down the line. In the meanwhile, you need to not continue to be with a man who doesn't respect, honor and love you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Thanks for your replies. He has asked me to marry him. He says that he is sorry and that he allows me to talk about it. <<sigh>> I don't want to wear out the relationship over this. 

And regarding the standards here for reconciliation, he does have no contact with this woman. 

So I'm assuming that the problem is with me. Why can't I let go?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> He says that he is sorry and that he allows me to talk about it.


 He *ALLOWS* you to talk about it?!? WTF? That's pretty f*cking BIG of him. What a swell guy! What a generous man!


> <<sigh>> I don't want to wear out the relationship over this.


 Then it ISN'T much of a relationship, is it? But, you've already been told that.


> Why can't I let go?


We've ALREADY TOLD you...but you DON'T want to HEAR it!!!!

Look, do you want to marry THIS guy....or do you just want to BE MARRIED? This guy is NOT marriage material, but if you're bound and determined to marry him anyway...Good luck! (sincerely)


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

Definitely not Marriage time if you are posting about it here. It's Marriage time (MAYBE) after you guys talk about this honestly, and he has had enough fully committed time with you that you trust him again.

Ask yourself what positive traits he has that make you want to stay with him after so much, and would there not be someone out there who would be more stable and committed and also possess those traits.

I read the whole conversation and my biggest question is why the rush?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> He *ALLOWS* you to talk about it?!? WTF? That's pretty f*cking BIG of him. What a swell guy! What a generous man! Then it ISN'T much of a relationship, is it? But, you've already been told that.*We've ALREADY TOLD you...but you DON'T want to HEAR it!!!!*
> 
> Look, do you want to marry THIS guy....or do you just want to BE MARRIED? This guy is NOT marriage material, but if you're bound and determined to marry him anyway...Good luck! (sincerely)


did you get out of bed on the wrong side today?

I think we have a good relationship. Since I have been getting cancer treatments he has taken time off work to go to hospital with me. He takes my mother and me out when she visits. HE has offered his apartment to my family during the Olympics so that they don't have to pay hotel fees. Do I need to go on?

I had hoped to get a discussion going here on this message board so that I could get over this problem without further hassling him. As far as the accepted steps of reconciliation, he has done them. I can read his FB, e-mail and phone accounts whenever I want to. And when I said he allows me to talk about this issue with him when I do, I think that is important. there are some partners who feel as if they have said enough. And I am sure a few those who are partners to that have visited here. The other issue to also be concerned about I feel, is that just simply, if a partner constantly complains about the same thing over and over again, they might wonder that it's only a matter of time when that person will move on and may plan for themselves their own exit strategy.

After visiting this message board for a few months, I have found it really useful. I have also noticed that some posters have chosen to move on from their WS. I respect that. and some have chosen to reconcile. I respect that as well. I'm just surprised I didn't quite get the same respect and support.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

No, I did NOT get out of bed on the wrong side today.

YOU keep asking the SAME QUESTION over and over. You OBVIOUSLY don't like the responses. That is your right. But, don't continue to ask the same thing over and over and expect other posters to not get frustrated!

We can ONLY answer you based on what YOU write. ONLY NOW are we hearing about your cancer treatments. ONLY NOW are we hearing about his Olympics offer, etc. If you TELL ME your guy lies and cheats....um, I'm going to think he lies and cheats! Silly me!

If you are determined to work things out with your fiance, I would suggest that you would probably get more salient information on the 'Coping With Infidelity' board, since you are dealing with the aftermath of an affair and want to reconcile. The people there have been in your shoes and will undoubtedly have more to-the-point advice on your current situation. You can ask to have your thread moved to the CWI board.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think that maybe you can't let go of it because you're still missing something, but may not know what. Get hold of this book and read it together; it will help you understand how to have a happy, healthy marriage: His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. Start with that. I think that, once the things in your relationship start lining up, letting go will happen.


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