# Is this really asking her to change?



## Balto109 (Jan 28, 2020)

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and together 14...I'm 46 and she's 40. We have run into a rut for some years where there's been hardly any sex...3x last year followed by the number of times counted on one hand the previous 2 years. Counseling did come up at one point but it never went anywhere. Recently I made some significant changes in the way I do things and besides doing things for my family, I'm focusing a lot on myself with doing things I enjoy, talking to friends, and going to the gym every day. I have another post where I described how my wife shared her journal with me from before we met and I have concerns about her honesty because she mentioned cheating in it. She also mentioned there were a number of "hookups" but she described them as innocent kissing only, which come on, am I stupid. I could care less about the number of guys she's been, which was 5 but dropped to 4 but who cares really. With the lack of sex, it has made me wonder. It was her wording of being cavalier about the cheating on an old BF she said she really loved. It also make me wonder if anything happened at a conference she attended for several days a couple years ago. 

I am giving her credit because she has been trying harder this new year and she's made comments about wanting more intimacy. One thing she mentioned too was she felt like I want her to change because I like to see her in heels and lingerie sometimes. Is it really wanting someone to change by liking those things on a beautiful woman? My response was I love her the way she is and the thing I want to see change is the lack of intimacy. I told her the lingerie and heels are like having a beautiful present wrapped up in beautiful wrapping paper. Is it really asking her to change if I like to occasionally see her in these things?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Balto109 said:


> I am giving her credit because she has been trying harder this new year and she's made comments about wanting more intimacy. One thing she mentioned too was she felt like I want her to change because I like to see her in heels and lingerie sometimes. Is it really wanting someone to change by liking those things on a beautiful woman? My response was I love her the way she is and the thing I want to see change is the lack of intimacy. I told her the lingerie and heels are like having a beautiful present wrapped up in beautiful wrapping paper. Is it really asking her to change if I like to occasionally see her in these things?


Depends. Did she ever wear lingerie and heels in the past? Is she a lingerie and heels type of a woman?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She can say anything she wants but it’s not going to change anything. 
Judge her on what she actually does to improve the intimacy in your marriage. And by the sound of things she hasn’t done anything other than talk.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Making a request is simply sharing a preference, so no, it's not trying to change her. 

And out of all the crazy intimate interests that one could come up with, heels and lingerie are pretty tame.

To me, her saying that you want to change her is just an excuse and a way to say no - which may or may not be legitimate.



Balto109 said:


> I am giving her credit because she has been trying harder this new year and she's made comments about wanting more intimacy. One thing she mentioned too was she felt like I want her to change because I like to see her in heels and lingerie sometimes. Is it really wanting someone to change by liking those things on a beautiful woman? My response was I love her the way she is and the thing I want to see change is the lack of intimacy. I told her the lingerie and heels are like having a beautiful present wrapped up in beautiful wrapping paper. *Is it really asking her to change if I like to occasionally see her in these things?*


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## Balto109 (Jan 28, 2020)

she has and she'll dress up for weddings and other events too and she's packed some if we go on vacation. She's a teacher, so most of the time she dresses for comfort.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Balto109 said:


> she has and she'll dress up for weddings and other events too and she's packed some if we go on vacation. She's a teacher, so most of the time she dresses for comfort.


I don't know about others but I do not wear lingerie and high heels when I go to weddings and other events. I do dress appropriately for the event. Her dressing up for an event does not mean she's a lingerie and heels person. 

However you state that she does wear the lingerie and high heels but only when you are on vacation. Do you think maybe she's open to it when she can relax?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OP, you and your wife obviously are experiencing intimacy issues. Your best bet to resolving those are to go to marriage counseling. There are other issues at play here.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Sounds like she is making excuses.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It does sound like something deeper is going on.

OP,

It's kind of normal for a H to ask a W to do things like wear lingerie, or come here let me grab your butt, and all kinds of silly, fun, and yes even serious stuff.

Because a married couple is, for goodness sake married!!

If H, or W, can't say these serious or silly things to their partner dear Lord who else in the world can they have that relationship with? Barring cheating of course.

When one or both partners are cut off by the other from freedom and comfort in having this type of repartee that's when one or both start checking out of the marriage. 

Don't be afraid to bring these normal things up. Just don't. 

And don't be wishy washy or apologetic, act like it's standard faire because it is.

You'll need to be aware of gauging her responses by her actions, not just her words.

Don't let her deflect anything back putting fault on you and remember your conversations going forward aren't about anybody's fault for where you two are at now - start from where you are now and going forward.


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## FastNFurious (Jan 23, 2020)

I love nothing more than when my fiancé wears lingerie and heels for me. She will do it pretty much whenever I request it. That said, we have sex very frequently so it's not an issue. If you're having sex only a handful of times PER YEAR you shouldn't be putting any demands on sex. What you need to fix first is the frequency of sex and then start adding more things into it to "enhance" the experience.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

It’s not asking her to change.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No it's not asking her to change. If I were you I'd be more concerned with the piss poor frequency of your sex life rather than if she will wear heels or lingerie.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It's ok to ask for anything, and it's ok to say no to anything, but you should be nice when you say no.

As for "change", we know she wears heels sometimes, but we don't know about lingerie. I don't think it matters, she can say no to doing those things but she shouldn't make it sound like there is something wrong w/ you asking, b/c that isn't being nice when you say no.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So thinking about all I've learned over the past 4+ decades, and someone told me their wife was interested in sex just a few times a year, I would think it safe to assume two things-

#1: That there is something really seriously wrong that needs more than just MC to address. Heavy duty therapy with an IC and an eye towards a traumatic event. Even if that's NOT actually the problem, sometimes you can get the results you want by pretending it actually was. 

#2: She must realize that it's not the way things are supposed to be. And assuming that's the case, explore what she believes reasonable intimacy would entail, while you explain what it would be to you. At this point I would not compromise; if you think reasonable sex would be 3 or 4 times/week, tell her so. You're not going to get anywhere if she doesn't understand how far apart you are. 

I wouldn't be surprised if there actually was something traumatic that's triggering her negative feelings about intimacy.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Balto109 said:


> We have run into a rut for some years where there's been hardly any sex...3x last year followed by the number of times counted on one hand the previous 2 years.


How exactly is this happening? Are you trying often and being rejected constantly? Are you waiting for her to initiate?

What did frequency used be like?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

There is a huge difference between asking someone to do something different and pushing, demanding, trying to force them to change.

You need to take a step back and think about how you phased things and how your W interpreted what you said.

Often time and especially when someone is sensitive about a topic (like something related to sex) emotions run so high that they can't accurately hear what has been said.

Good luck.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Agree with others.
Forget the heels for now. Its complicating things. You can't expect a Broadway show when she won't even let you in the theatre.
Focus on why your sex life is so infrequent.
She may not understand how important it is to you emotionally. I would suggest INSISTING on MC with a trained sex/marriage counselor.
You cannot change her if she will not see.
Start focusing on bettering yourself. Stop being so nice. Do the 180.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

I'm a woman and I don't know how people go without sex. I can barely make it a couple days. A week and I'm a ranting maniac. 

I do wonder about physical libido differences between people. Also - and maybe this is some sort of odd long shot - but if she's a teacher around kids all day, I wonder if she maybe shuts off her sexuality out of some sort of unintended abundance of caution to not exude any sort of sexualness? Is that too far off of a thought? I know that if I have guest kids in my house, it inhibits me sexually in even flirting or being affectionate towards my husband if I think the kids can possibly see or hear. Just thinking about kids shuts me off sexually. 

I think if talking to each other isn't working - and couples aren't at all abnormal if their own attempts aren't successful - it's cool to get a helpful third party involved.

I divorced a guy who wouldn't have sex with me frequently enough. Yes, there were other issues but not having sex often enough - and I mean 3 weeks would go by or more - was a deal breaker. Weirdly, when I asked for a divorce (after many warnings about the sex) he acted devastated and shocked. Why don't people listen? For a sexually active adult, sex can be relentlessly nagging and impossible to just ignore. It's cruel for a healthy spouse to expect to stay married but not be willing to either participate often enough willingly or give the partner an out.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Specifically regarding the heels and lingerie thing...

People do feel that you are trying to change them if you want them to wear or do things they don’t want to do on their own. Even if we just feel it’s a small thing they could do for us, to them it’s like saying they aren’t good enough as they are. There have been times when I’ve made requests of a man to do what I felt would be a small thing and he has acted like I’m asking him to change and he really resents it.

Kind of the opposite to your heels and lingerie situation, I’ve been with men who don’t care at all about those things and just want me naked. I love wearing sexy things, but even if I did they would not notice it, not compliment it, and would simply want to get it off of me. If I made mention that I wish he was more into these things or would at least just appreciate them for a moment before he wanted them off me, he would say I’m trying to change him.

People like what they like on themselves and on others and usually aren’t going to change their minds about it. Even if they will appease you temporarily they will go back to their default very quickly.

For me, I’ve decided that if a guy can’t have a little fun and enjoy me wearing sexy things, if he prefers naked only and never likes fun clothes and accessories, he’s not for me.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, I don't think this is asking her to change, but as other have said here, I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. Lingerie and heels aren't going to fix the problem, and forcing the issue right now will probably make things worse.

Focus on fixing the sex issue... if you guys can fix that, then the lingerie thing will likely just happen on its own. If she doesn't pick up the mantle on her own, she may be more receptive, at the least.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

First off... I’m in my 30s and I would not like it if my partner asked me to wear lingerie. Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable.

Secondly... it seems you and your wife both want the same thing, more intimacy, but you are going about it the wrong way. If I felt disconnect from my husband, and then he told me to wear lingerie and heels it would make me shut down and feel more disconnected.

Women need to feel understood and loved for them to want to be physical sexually. Spend more quality time with her. Take a bath with her. Laugh with her. Kiss her, touch her, really talk to her. Don’t mention sex Or what you want her to wear. 

You guys seem to be at a pivotal moment in the marriage. You want to build each other up and make the relationship stronger. Asking her to wear lingerie is not good imo.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> First off... I’m in my 30s and I would not like it if my partner asked me to wear lingerie. Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable.
> 
> Secondly... it seems you and your wife both want the same thing, more intimacy, but you are going about it the wrong way. If I felt disconnect from my husband, and then he told me to wear lingerie and heels it would make me shut down and feel more disconnected.
> 
> ...


Love this. 

I would like to see an even more detailed explanation about how husbands can genuinely get into this mindset. It's not enough to just perform these things as, perhaps, a sense of requirement or a precursor to sex. I know that I feel most sexual when I sense a genuine connection and affection. If I feel like he's just appeasing me by going through these things as a routine, it doesn't work. 

In my single days, I had a lover who had the ability to truly focus just on me when we were together no matter what we were doing together. I wanted to have sex with him all the time because he knew how to convey honestly what qualities in me that he loved. It didn't matter that we were openly dating other people also. 

So, this concept of feeling understood and loved doesn't really have to do with monogamy - at least not to me. It has to do with genuinely digging somebody for who they are. My grandson, when he was first dating, probably summed up that connectedness feeling best when he declared:

"She *gets* me." 

I think when people feel safe, comfortable, accepted for who they are, they really connect and open themselves up without any kind of begging or coercion - like sunshine on a Morning Glory.


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