# Confusion in married land...



## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

Hi all. I wasn't sure where to post this thread but I am seriously considering divorcing my husband so I thought this might be the right place. Anyway a little background...ill try to keep the story short (HA) but still give enough details.

Husband and i have been married 5 years. Since the beginning getting him to help me around the house was like pulling teeth. We both work full time jobs. Yet when he would get home he would sit his butt on the couch and play on his phone. The first words to me when I walked in the door were "What for supper?" Seriously whats wrong with your arms? So basically i would work all day come home and have to make supper and then clean up after supper cause he was back on the couch as soon as he could. Then there were all the other daily chores around the house that needed to be done...guess who did that? Yup , me. Asking him for help was like asking him to cut off his penis. Yet when I finally got to sit down for the first time since I got home he would want a blow job. And If i rejected him he guilt tripped me into one. So basically its my fault I gave in to him so much with nothing in return. I created that one. 

Anyway, after years of this I would get irritated just walking in the house because I knew how my nights would go. On the rare chance he would help me he would tell me he only did it so that I wouldn't be crabby and pissed off. Thanks, that makes me feel good. 

Fast forward 5 years later. Fighting about chores, money, sex...I don't feel appreciated and I don't feel close to him to even want to have sex with him. I don't want him to touch me, cuddle me, nothing. He puts all the blame on me for all the problems in our relationship. or at least that's what it feels like. 

There was a big family fight between him and my mom which put a huge rift between us. He says she disrespected him and he stood up for himself. So now hes got an all out HATE for every person in my family. They are not allowed over at HIS house...nor should they be allowed to even drive on our street. He bad mouthed them to me as often as he could. When I would ask him to stop he would tell me I should be on his side. Standing up for himself to my mom is one thing but to say terrible things about them to me whenever he could is something else. 

So here I am now, basically crabby every day and I will admit that. But about 6 months ago I finally got deep and dirty and real with him. Told him if things didn't change I am considering leaving him. He has done a complete turn around. He helps around the house, cooks, cleans, all that. 

He has sort of patched things up with my mom and that was a huge step. But in my heart I think when I gave him the first inkling i was leaving I was all but emotionally already checked out. 6 months of this depression and feel as though I am living in a hole has eaten away at me that I wonder if its worth trying to stay in this marriage. He tells me hes trying, and he is I will give him that. But it feels to me as though its a little too late. he asked me if i want to stay or leave and I told him I honestly don't know. He tells me I am making excuses and that I need to make a decision. i asked him why would he want to stay with someone like me who is angry all the time. I asked him for space and time to think things through and he keeps pushing me. Like I am supposed to go to bed and wake up and act as though nothing has happened. 

How much time is reasonable to just halt our lives and think about my choices? how long would you be ok with? Should I try to save the marriage or should i leave now? I feel like we've come to a point in the marriage that this fix will only be just a band aid and in a few weeks or months we will be right back to where we are now.

Any advise?? thanks for listing to me ramble on!


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## Learning2Fly (Oct 11, 2015)

So, basically he burned you out early in the marriage and you can't come back from that. The only question there is to ask is "Do you want to stay in the marriage?" If yes, then get into counseling and start doing the work do get your marriage back to where you want it to be. If the answer is no, then you need to face that reality and move toward filing divorce and starting over again. 

Regardless of love and friendship, marriages fail. What he did to you pushed you to the point of no return. I think you are fully realizing that now.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Based on your post my vote is "leave" because he'll never change, he's only going through the motions long enough to convince you to stay, as per his pressuring you to "make a decision" after a few short months of trying to not act like a lazy ass.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

SO for the last 6 months, he has turned a corner and is doing better...So, 6 months out of the 60 you have been married. 

What do you think? He has conformed to your expectation of a husband for 10% of your marriage....doing this after being threatned with the destruction of his marriage. 

So...the threat gave you 10% more time with a compliant husband than you probably could have expected to enjoy. 

Realistically, it comes down to a simple decision as to if the amount of energy you must put into maintaining the threat of destruction is worth the reward. Can you keep this up for another 60 months? Cause that would only get you to the break-even point. Further, you must consider how long he would actually be willing to put up with the threat of destruction. You know him better than most...but for some insight...most men, IME, would put up for that for about as long as it took you to read this post. Food for Thought


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

I feel in my gut as though I need to leave but my brain and heart are telling me different things. My heart still cares for him. Whether or not love is the word Im not sure but i care and don't want to hurt him. I know that sounds crazy. Its like he had no problem hurting me but Im worried about him. Im worried about my daughter. Her bio father isnt in her life. I dont want to upheave her life. But at the same time I feel as though I am setting a bad example for her for what a relationship looks like. I dont want to show her to just quit when things get tough but at the same time dont settle for anything less than what you deserve.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

TillySmyth said:


> I feel in my gut as though I need to leave but my brain and heart are telling me different things. My heart still cares for him. Whether or not love is the word Im not sure but i care and don't want to hurt him. I know that sounds crazy. Its like he had no problem hurting me but Im worried about him. Im worried about my daughter. Her bio father isnt in her life. I dont want to upheave her life. But at the same time I feel as though I am setting a bad example for her for what a relationship looks like. * I dont want to show her to just quit when things get tough* but at the same time dont settle for anything less than what you deserve.


This is critical to your situation. It could prove very influential in the life of your daughter. 

At the minimum, so should be very sure that you have truly, done all you possibly could. Once you have done that- you have done the best possible thing and taught her a very good lesson.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Quick question...

Are you or have you been seeing someone else?

Please be honest.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

TillySmyth said:


> Hi all. I wasn't sure where to post this thread but I am seriously considering divorcing my husband so I thought this might be the right place. Anyway a little background...ill try to keep the story short (HA) but still give enough details.
> 
> Husband and i have been married 5 years. Since the beginning getting him to help me around the house was like pulling teeth. We both work full time jobs. Yet when he would get home he would sit his butt on the couch and play on his phone. The first words to me when I walked in the door were "What for supper?" Seriously whats wrong with your arms? So basically i would work all day come home and have to make supper and then clean up after supper cause he was back on the couch as soon as he could. Then there were all the other daily chores around the house that needed to be done...guess who did that? Yup , me. Asking him for help was like asking him to cut off his penis. Yet when I finally got to sit down for the first time since I got home he would want a blow job. And If i rejected him he guilt tripped me into one. So basically its my fault I gave in to him so much with nothing in return. I created that one.


If he was a momma's boy then you'll have to train him up in domestic skills or else agree to pay 50/50 for a housekeeper if you both work full time. 



> Anyway, after years of this I would get irritated just walking in the house because I knew how my nights would go. On the rare chance he would help me he would tell me he only did it so that I wouldn't be crabby and pissed off. Thanks, that makes me feel good.
> 
> Fast forward 5 years later. Fighting about chores, money, sex...I don't feel appreciated and I don't feel close to him to even want to have sex with him. I don't want him to touch me, cuddle me, nothing. He puts all the blame on me for all the problems in our relationship. or at least that's what it feels like.


Yeah, this is pretty standard arguments for any young couple, I went through the same thing with my husband. 
You may have to kick him into action, do it in a positive/proactive way instead just nagging or fighting with him about it. 
Write down a list of things that you would like to accomplish with him and guide him but also give him a sort of deadline to complete stuff. 
Communicate clearly and calmly about the needs. 

Regarding intimacy, because he doesn't appeciate all you do, this makes you feel a disconnect emotionally, don't be afraid to take charge of things in the bedroom, it's not all about him, so get him off his lazy behind and request a massage or something to make you feel good. 



> There was a big family fight between him and my mom which put a huge rift between us. He says she disrespected him and he stood up for himself. So now hes got an all out HATE for every person in my family. They are not allowed over at HIS house...nor should they be allowed to even drive on our street. He bad mouthed them to me as often as he could. When I would ask him to stop he would tell me I should be on his side. Standing up for himself to my mom is one thing but to say terrible things about them to me whenever he could is something else.


Yeah, he shouldn't agrue with your Mom, it's bad manners. 
What was the disagreement about? 



> So here I am now, basically crabby every day and I will admit that. But about 6 months ago I finally got deep and dirty and real with him. Told him if things didn't change I am considering leaving him. He has done a complete turn around. He helps around the house, cooks, cleans, all that.


Good, make sure he keeps this up, if things get better he may become lazy again. 



> He has sort of patched things up with my mom and that was a huge step. But in my heart I think when I gave him the first inkling i was leaving I was all but emotionally already checked out. 6 months of this depression and feel as though I am living in a hole has eaten away at me that I wonder if its worth trying to stay in this marriage. He tells me hes trying, and he is I will give him that. But it feels to me as though its a little too late. he asked me if i want to stay or leave and I told him I honestly don't know. He tells me I am making excuses and that I need to make a decision. i asked him why would he want to stay with someone like me who is angry all the time. I asked him for space and time to think things through and he keeps pushing me. Like I am supposed to go to bed and wake up and act as though nothing has happened.
> 
> How much time is reasonable to just halt our lives and think about my choices? how long would you be ok with? Should I try to save the marriage or should i leave now? I feel like we've come to a point in the marriage that this fix will only be just a band aid and in a few weeks or months we will be right back to where we are now.
> 
> Any advise?? thanks for listing to me ramble on!


I think what you're going through is a bad bump in the road of married life, we've all been there and yeah sometimes contemplating leaving seems like the way out but I think being positive and calm communication about your needs will help, he was taking you for granted a bit, but it seems like he's trying after you spelled it out from him, keep doing that and hopefully things will improve. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Quick question...
> 
> Are you or have you been seeing someone else?
> 
> Please be honest.


I'm curious why you would ask this.

Let's flip this around and assume we have a guy whose wife refused sex for 5 years until he threatened to leave.

She then has lots of sex with him but he just can't connect after so long. 

Would you be asking if he was seeing someone else?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm curious why you would ask this.


Call it a hunch.

And because I'm aware of the direction that this conversation may take, I'll say this --

I'd have asked the exact same question had the OP been male.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm curious why you would ask this.
> 
> Let's flip this around and assume we have a guy whose wife refused sex for 5 years until he threatened to leave.
> 
> ...


reading the OP's post, she could be rewriting history of the marriage. Reads like that to me. Maybe not the case, but reads that way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm curious why you would ask this.
> 
> Let's flip this around and assume we have a guy whose wife refused sex for 5 years until he threatened to leave.
> 
> ...


Since you've edited your post to add a bit more nuance to your question, I'll do the same:

Yes.

Again, I had a hunch.

And it's not like any infidelity would somehow be "less wrong" or would somehow do less in terms of compromising a wayward's "stay or go" decision-making process even if it could somehow be justified by what you've mentioned.

And hey, if it turns out that my hunch is unfounded then I'll apologize.

I thought you knew me better than that.


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Quick question...
> 
> Are you or have you been seeing someone else?
> 
> Please be honest.


No gas I am not or have been seeing. Someone else. He askedid me that same question and another relationship is the last thing on my mind.


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

TillySmyth said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> > Quick question...
> ...


Sorry I meant Gus!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Call it a hunch.
> 
> And because I'm aware of the direction that this conversation may take, I'll say this --
> 
> I'd have asked the exact same question had the OP been male.


Ok, fair enough. 

I'm just uncomfortable with the implication that a spouse's inability to move past poor treatment once the other spouse decides they "get it" (usually because their life is going to blow up and not because they actually give a sh!t about their spouse) must mean someone else. And even if it did at that point you often have two separate issues: bad spousal behavior and a sh!tty choice to deal with it. 

There is no requirement that your spouse be able to reconnect once you realize you're about to fvck up your own life so you try to treat them a little better. That's why you have to treat your spouse well from the beginning. Inability to move past it doesn't have to equal someone else, though the vacuum that creates can open the door to another.

I often get the feeling that feelers for another person are to absolve or write off bad behavior and I think it's important to keep the two issues separate.

I personally am of the mindset that people show your who they are when they either think you're not paying attention or you're not going anywhere. Any changes they under threat of divorce are usually phony. 

Maybe that's how she feels?

Besides, she says her heart wants to stay, probably because she loves him. Would that really be the case if she had another guy? Women like her will have exit affairs.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> reading the OP's post, she could be rewriting history of the marriage. Reads like that to me. Maybe not the case, but reads that way.


Why? Because he couldn't possibly be that bad?

I see guys here describing bat sh!t crazy wives all the time and they are seldom accused of rewriting and asked about someone else.

We're told that we can only go on what's provided.

Yet most people aren't bat sh!t crazy, so very likely they're leaving something out or exaggerating.

So why should this be approached differently?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Since you've edited your post to add a bit more nuance to your question, I'll do the same:
> 
> Yes.
> 
> ...


Damn, I edited that post quickly so you must have seen it the second I posted it!

I know you are a reasonable guy, which I appreciate, and even when you irritate me I can't stay mad at you. 

I just get the impression that you frequently assume infidelity is involved.

Granted there are sometimes red flags all over the place, but other times there are legitimate issues and the infidelity charge is thrown out anyway. If it sticks it sticks and if not it doesn't, but it's usually thrown out.

And of course if I'm wrong I'll admit it as well, though OP has said since you posted that there is nobody else.

I guess I tend to not go there unless I see red flags, but maybe I project because I had the experience with my ex of him treating me like crap until I told him I wanted a divorce, at which time he begged and pleaded and made an effort, but I was just done with him. 

And it had nothing to do with anyone else. So maybe that's why I don't assume she simply rewrote everything and has someone else.....because I've been in a similar position to her.

Yet if my ex posted here many would tell him I was probably cheating and rewriting.


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your most prominent hurdle is that your responsibility boundaries were not set early in your relationship and now resentment has embedded awful deep, and that is where "deep and dirty" was pulled from.

As for staying or leaving and the lessons for you all in it, there are many... have you seen a counselor, at least for yourself, so you have some guidance to sort out the best path for you? The best path for you will ultimately be the best for her (your daughter), so this is worth measuring twice for.

His pushing is understandable... his fears create the insecurities of haste. Do you think he TRULY understands the damage he has caused your marriage? If you believe he does, then start with individual counseling and move it to marriage counseling, and tell him what you are doing to help decide your path whether it be for one or both, and recommend the same for him. Looking at this from two areas will triangulate your relationship vision and allow you to see where you are with clarity.

I know several posters who say, when they are done, they are done... whether we are in our heart is always an individual choice. Change is important, critical for growth... but it's not an act for the impatient. Again, you waited this long to allow your feelings to die, spend a few more to see if they can be revived.


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> > t.
> ...


That's exactly the mindset I'm at. Although now he's making an effort I feel like I'm already done. Why did it take the threat of leaving foright him to start making an effort. The effort should have been there from the beginning. So what happens a few months from now when we've tried to work things out but he goes back to the way he was. It's always been that way. He'd make an effort to help out more but that would last only a few days or maybe a week or 2 and then went right back to the way it was before. How many chances should a person be given? Even if the love for him is still there is it worth my time to see if he's truly changing? 

I change my mind about 7 times per minute lately. 1 second in my head I want to make things work and and 2 seconds later I feel like it may not be worth the trouble.


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

I regularly read posts on this site and think that the person could be living in my head, but never quite as much as this one. Mine just has a ton of added criticism about anything I do on top of the rest of your story. I have complete sympathy for your situation and if you ever want an ear to vent to that is completely with you, feel free to PM me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Damn, I edited that post quickly so you must have seen it the second I posted it!


I must have *just* refreshed.

Anyway, first things first...



TillySmyth said:


> No gas I am not or have been seeing. Someone else. He askedid me that same question and another relationship is the last thing on my mind.


Fair enough.

And, as promised, I hereby offer a sincere apology for casting what could have very well been an unrecoverable pall over your thread.



TillySmyth said:


> Sorry I meant Gus!


:lol: :rofl:



lifeistooshort said:


> I know you are a reasonable guy, which I appreciate, and *even when you irritate me I can't stay mad at you.*


Would it surprise you to learn that many of the women in my life feel your pain? 



lifeistooshort said:


> *I just get the impression that you frequently assume infidelity is involved.*
> 
> Granted there are sometimes red flags all over the place, but other times there are legitimate issues and the infidelity charge is thrown out anyway. If it sticks it sticks and if not it doesn't, but it's usually thrown out.
> 
> And of course if I'm wrong I'll admit it as well, though OP has said since you posted that there is nobody else.


Well... you're not wrong. But c'mon... look at where we are. Hell, it seems like a good portion of the stuff that ISN'T posted in CWI winds up involving infidelity. Still, I do *try* to keep an open mind and give the benefit of the doubt as often as possible.

When I get that feeling, though...



lifeistooshort said:


> I guess I tend to not go there unless I see red flags, but maybe I project because I had the experience with my ex of him treating me like crap until I told him I wanted a divorce, at which time he begged and pleaded and made an effort, but I was just done with him.
> 
> And it had nothing to do with anyone else. So maybe that's why I don't assume she simply rewrote everything and has someone else.....because I've been in a similar position to her.
> 
> Yet if my ex posted here many would tell him I was probably cheating and rewriting.


Female posters sometimes share things here using wording that can act as a sort of a cue -- _especially_ to BHs -- to give the impression that perhaps there's MORE to the story (*cough* another dude!) than what's been shared. When I throw that out, though, and it's not the case, I'm more than happy to apologize for having done it.

But when there are multiple yellow, orange, and red flags? I think my track record is pretty good, and if I feel justified in having implied it, I'll stand my ground.

(And here's the thing -- even if she WERE cheating (or had cheated), that wouldn't necessarily invalidate her concerns. But since that's not the case, I'll move on...)

Honestly, if my wife had come to TAM prior to the onset of either of her EAs, she might have used similar language -- w/ some key differences -- to describe me and our marriage. And she wouldn't have been *completely* wrong.

So I get where Tilly is coming from.

Still, from her husband's perspective it's kind of a crap deal because ever since she voiced her concerns in a very real and painfully understandable way, he's worked to turn things around. I get that a) she needs to see a bit more from him in order to be assured that the change is permanent and b) certain feelings can't be forced and need to return naturally and organically, but come on... how much longer can he be expected for her to come to a decision w/ respect to whether or not that's been achieved?

Five years isn't a huge amount of time in the overall scope of things (it's weird that being in your 40's -- and not your 20's -- affords this kind of perspective), but six months compared to that five years is pretty big.

Either way, if she's made up her mind and is just done w/ him, I'd advise her to come to share that w/ him as soon as possible so that they can go their separate ways and being rebuilding their lives as quickly as possible. If not, I'd advise her to stop talking about "needing time and space" (because seriously, nothing else screams "I'M SEEING SOMEONE ELSE AND CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU!" any louder than that) and to instead TELL him what else it is that she needs to see from him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I must have *just* refreshed.
> 
> Anyway, first things first...
> 
> ...


Your last sentence I agree with. Generally you're either in or out. ...I think sometimes people know they're out but are afraid to pull the plug and tell themselves that maybe the feelings will come back


How often that happens I don't know, maybe it does sometimes, but it is true that they really can't come back until you at least try to fake it 'till you make it.

I know when I'm po'd at my hb it's easier to stay that way if we have physical distance between us. 

So on that note OP, I do think either you need to pull the plug or you fake it for a while and see what happens. You might get some clarity that way because if he thinks you're in you might get a glimpse into whether his changes are permanent.


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## JrzyGrl (Sep 1, 2016)

Learning2Fly said:


> So, basically he burned you out early in the marriage and you can't come back from that. The only question there is to ask is "Do you want to stay in the marriage?" If yes, then get into counseling and start doing the work do get your marriage back to where you want it to be. If the answer is no, then you need to face that reality and move toward filing divorce and starting over again.
> 
> Regardless of love and friendship, marriages fail. What he did to you pushed you to the point of no return. I think you are fully realizing that now.




Great insight. I burned out early too.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

Thank you for the apology Gus!! Apology accepted.

But you are all right. I need to make the decision. Going to have a talk with him tonight when I get home and see what transpires.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

TillySmyth said:


> I change my mind about 7 times per minute lately. 1 second in my head I want to make things work and and 2 seconds later I feel like it may not be worth the trouble.


I understand completely. You're in a limbo with your decision. You can ask me how things are going today and I'll answer you. Ask tomorrow and I'll probably give you a different answer! I've been told that when you're really done, you'll KNOW when you're done. There will be no more limbo.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TillySmyth said:


> Any advise?? thanks for listing to me ramble on!


Kick him out. Today.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TillySmyth said:


> I feel in my gut as though I need to leave but my brain and heart are telling me different things. My heart still cares for him. Whether or not love is the word Im not sure but i care and don't want to hurt him. I know that sounds crazy. Its like he had no problem hurting me but Im worried about him. Im worried about my daughter. Her bio father isnt in her life. I dont want to upheave her life. But at the same time I feel as though I am setting a bad example for her for what a relationship looks like. I dont want to show her to just quit when things get tough but at the same time dont settle for anything less than what you deserve.


You are teaching your daughter to become an abuse victim. Please don't do that to her just because you're too codependent to leave. Get help. Get your family to help you move out. Let them take care of you, if they're decent, for now. If they're not, find friends or a woman's shelter who will help you and your daughter.

btw, I am not saying you have to divorce him. I'm saying he needs time apart for it to really sink in that you DO deserve real respect and WHY. And as long as he's still dipping his hand in the candy jar, he will backslide until he figures you'll just accept things.

What does he say now about housework and your family? Has he had some sort of epiphany? Or is he just doing it because it's what makes you stay? Big difference.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> You are teaching your daughter to become an abuse victim. Please don't do that to her just because you're too codependent to leave. Get help. Get your family to help you move out. Let them take care of you, if they're decent, for now. If they're not, find friends or a woman's shelter who will help you and your daughter.
> 
> btw, I am not saying you have to divorce him. I'm saying he needs time apart for it to really sink in that you DO deserve real respect and WHY. And as long as he's still dipping his hand in the candy jar, he will backslide until he figures you'll just accept things.
> 
> What does he say now about housework and your family? Has he had some sort of epiphany? Or is he just doing it because it's what makes you stay? Big difference.


I'll say this --

Six months isn't exactly a trivial amount of time when it comes to change.

Most of the time there's a blowout or "come to Jesus" meeting, and you might see a week or two -- a month max -- of changed behavior.

Given that he's still plugging away after six months, I'm thinking he may have *finally* gotten the message.

That he's making an effort to patch things up w/ her family says a lot as well.

Ladies, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'll just come out and say it...

A LOT OF GUYS NEED EXACTLY THIS KIND OF PUSH.

Not making excuses, just calling it for what it is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'll say this --
> 
> Six months isn't exactly a trivial amount of time when it comes to change.
> 
> ...



You're right about guys needing that push.

The cruel irony is that many women won't play hardball until they're emotionally checked out, so when the guys gets that message his wife is done with him. 

How many times have we tried to tell a woman with legitimate complaints to tell him she's leaving, only to be met with "but I'm not ready to divorce yet"?

You have to play hardball while you're still invested, but it's tough to do because at that point you don't want a divorce and are afraid to have your bluff called. When you're ready for a divorce there won't be anything your guy can do about it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're right about guys needing that push.
> 
> The cruel irony is that many women won't play hardball until they're emotionally checked out, so when the guys gets that message his wife is done with him.
> 
> ...


Very true.

Sucks all around.

What's really messed up is that there are a lot of wives out there (husbands too, I'm sure) living in downright abusive situations that you can't get to leave for _anything_.

There was a woman over in Private last year that told her husband that she was thinking about leaving after years of just absolutely foul behavior on his part. Upon hearing this he sort of panicked and started to turn things around, but after a few days to a week or so he started backsliding back into an abusive assh*le and POOF... she stopped posting and hasn't been heard from since.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Very true.
> 
> Sucks all around.
> 
> ...


The ones that really make me sick are the "yeah he's abusive but the KIDS people. 

They use the kids as an excuse for the fact that they aren't ready to leave.

But it's not fair to scapegoat innocent kids to cover for what the adult wants to do. At least have the pair to admit it's what you want and your kids will have to go along with it.

I think I know who you're talking about and I worry about her. I hope she's still alive.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TillySmyth said:


> *No gas* I am not or have been seeing. Someone else. He did ask me that same question and another relationship is the last thing on my mind.


ref: the words highlighted above:

"Hey Tilly, I hope that is a typo and not a Freudian Half-Slip".

Tis' Spell Check.....nope, Spiel Check!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MSalmoides said:


> I'm on the "try to make it work" side of marriage if there aren't abuse or cheating or other absolute deal-breakers. People can and do change. Think of Newton's Second Law of Motion:
> 
> _An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
> _
> ...


Nice!

Good Post....Toasties .


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You CAN leave someone you love.

Ask your children. They eventually fly out of the nest.

Ask yourself.

Ask yourself why wings are sprouting from your back.<----------------Damn, do not think too deeply on this. 

You want out....but we do not have the key to the front door. 

We can put gas in your car.............There, it is full.

You could try a trial separation. This usually causes more chaos and more grief than a permanent split=Divorce.

You can only play with the cards dealt you. Your hand? A pair of fours and a Joker. "Fourfeit" the Joker and fold.


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> lifeistooshort said:
> 
> 
> > You're right about guys needing that push.
> ...


That is so scary and sad. I really hope she's alright and just got away from him and went into hiding somewhere.

My husband isn't really abusive in that sense. He's never threatened me in any way so I am thankful for that.

And everyone keeps saying when you're done you'll know and I don't really know FOR SURE. So is that a sign I should keep on chugging?


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## Anne EZcouple (Dec 2, 2016)

Dear Tillysmith,

You seem to me to be both in a downward spiral that could only end down the drain if you don't take some perspective on the situation.

Your confusion is perfectly understandable, and before you make any decision you should have more clarity.

Men and women are different: they process things differently, and they also relax differently. Your perspective on your home duties are not his. I know it is not easy for women to grasp how different men are because we have been trained to believe we are all the same.

Please read the Queen's Code from Alison Armstrong, it is a novel with a wealth of information that will help you realize the implication of our gender differences.

It may seem small in comparison to the turmoil you feel. But sometimes all it takes is awareness to turn things around.

hope this helps

Anne


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Michele Weiner-Davis: "The Walk-Away Wife Syndrome"


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## Rockclimber (Nov 1, 2016)

He has been on good behavior for 6 months and you are still uncertain if he is being nice as a selfish motive or as a life change? Just FYI, 6 months is an eternity to men, 6 months of good behavior to us is like 6 years. We think completely different from women, if he is willing to put in 6 months for you that tells me A LOT. 
How did the conversation go last night?


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

sh987 said:


> Michele Weiner-Davis: "The Walk-Away Wife Syndrome"


That is totally me. In every sense of the word. 

The conversation with my husband last night went well....not sure. We both said our piece and told each other our expectations and what we felt was needed. In the end he still slept on the couch. He said he felt I wasn't being sincere. I don't know why. I didn't yell or swear or get angry. I listened to what he had to say and he listened to me. How was I not sincere?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because it wasn't what he wanted to hear.


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