# Feeling trapped in marriage and also the third emotional affair in 2 years



## brownson (Nov 17, 2014)

Hello everyone,

I'm very glad I have found a forum like this one, which seems to be very helpful and supportive.

I'm going through a very singular situation I believe, since I couldn't find similar threads here and in other websites.(PLEASE READ THE 3 FACTS to understand why I calling this situation "singular").


*FACT #1:*

The case is: I live with my girlfriend since 2010 (we're engaged since 3 years, but with plans to marry only in 2017) and we've dated only 6 months before moving together.

I regret moving together so early. I have agreed with this because her relationship with her parents (by the way, divorced) wasn't very good. (Now her relationship with them is much better, seems like it was teenager problems with parents from my point of view).


Sorry for the long post so far, I just wanted to clarify the reason I've agreed to live with her so early in the relationship.

Now, let me be sincere: Despite what I'm gonna explain later here (being in an emotion affair), I've wished many times in the past to be single.

I do love her, but it's so long since I'm not in love with her anymore. I wish her the very best in everything, and I take very good care of her (sometimes I believe more as I father than a husband in fact).


*FACT #2:*


As you can see, yes, I'm very confused. But until some 2 months ago everything was stable since I didn't think too much in my life and relationship. I was being able to be a good spouse, to move on with the the situation as it was, although deep inside I always was sure this wasn't what I was wishing.

Some factors also had prevented me from taking action regarding this situation, like her difficulty in making friends (was to be engaged with me a factor for trying to make more friends? Maybe.) some financial difficulties, thinking only in her and not in myself too, etc.

So, 6 months earlier I started to noticed a girl daily, in the place I work. In first place I never gave that much attention, just a little thought ("she's pretty").
Where I work I meet her daily, and she started to notice me too. We started to stare at each other more frequently, and sometimes exchange some words ("good morning", etc.).
At this point my thoughts evolved to "Wow, I really think she's beautiful").

So from 3 weeks ago until now this has grown so much more than I ever could imagine. She's clearly putting a lot of attention in me and we're starting to flirt whenever we have the chance to see each other.

I can't stop thinking about her.

I'm well aware of actions needed to don't destroy my relationship (let's call a marriage since I already live with my gf), I've read a little about and I also read some material about emotional affair and how it can grow to a physical affair.


*FACT #3:*


Now I'll put another point here:
This is not the first time that I'm experiencing an emotional affair in this marriage. I've been through 2 past emotional affairs (although these two were much less intense than this one I'm having now, MUCH LESS INTENSE). The first EA happened around 14 months earlier and the second around 8 months. I was able to leave these two past EA with time (not acting upon them, and living each day). I've never said anything to my wife about them.

I've seen (and read) that this new EA feeling coming from me out of nowhere (at least, from my conscious sphere) could be an indication of aspects that aren't being fulfilled in my current marriage.

I said that the past two EA were much less intense (actually, they don't compare to the current one) because I almost can't control myself (with regards to my current marriage) when I'm with this other girl. I mean, if she continue to give me the chance to be with her, I'll probably do so.

I wish I wouldn't into this situation, I've never imagined myself being capable of doing so, but I believe that this emotional affair isn't itself the reason for my dissatisfaction with my current marriage, this is something that already was in myself and that day after day I'm trying to hide and forget.

I believe I'm mature to the point of not believing that (let's imagine now) even if I break up with my wife and divorce from her, this emotional affair with this new girl would be successful. 

It could be as well as it couldn't. The new girl has 18 (I'm 27), and, yeah, I'm aware, she's still a teenager (but I also know, yes, we have to consider her age but we can't generalize, and we need to consider each person maturity individually). By the way, my current wife is 23.

I've read that statics about people who left their relationship to be with a new person often regret and the relationship doesn't work. (However please remember this is not completely my case, since I'm dissatisfied with my relationship for at least 2 years).

So, please forget me for this long post. 

*I'm really confused*, and I wish I was able to leave this situation without hurting no one, however I believe I also have to say that I should consider my own happiness too I and I have the right to want to divorce or be single again (I've never considered before, I was only considering my wife happiness e.g. "Can't leave her due to her feelings, money, her happiness, etc, etc, etc, despite what I believe").

I see myself as I centered and logical person, and people tend to me see me that way too, so please take into account that I'm not wanting to leave my current relationship for an emotional affair that don't even have the certainty that will be successful.

I deeply appreciate your advise here.

Thank you very much.
J.

P.S.: I'll try to help others in this forum too, since I'm requesting your help. This one seems to be a very supportive community.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

2nd post, on same subject. Read the replies on the other post you made earlier...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

brownson said:


> The case is: I live with my *girlfriend* since 2010 (we're engaged since 3 years, but with *plans to marry only in 2017*)
> 
> This is not the first time that I'm experiencing an emotional affair *in this marriage.* I've been through 2 past emotional affairs (although these two were much less intense than this one I'm having now, MUCH LESS INTENSE). The first EA happened around 14 months earlier and the second around 8 months. I was able to leave these two past EA with time (not acting upon them, and living each day). I've never said anything *to my wife* about them.
> 
> I've seen (and read) that this new EA feeling coming from me out of nowhere (at least, from my conscious sphere) could be an indication of aspects that aren't being fulfilled *in my current marriage.*


First, you say she's your girlfriend and you're planning to get married in 2017. Later, you refer to her as your wife, and you talk about your marriage.

Which is it? Are you married or not?

Also, I don't understand why you re-posted the same topic in a whole new thread.

You need fess up to the girlfriend (wife?) and let her go. She deserves better than someone who has fallen in love with three other people in three years.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> First, you say she's your girlfriend and you're planning to get married in 2017. Later, you refer to her as your wife, and you talk about your marriage.
> 
> Which is it? Are you married or not?
> 
> ...


Listen to the happy shellfish with coffee. She speaks wisdom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

In case you still don't get it yet, brownson, You're going to get your a$$ handed to you in this duplicate thread too.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

You should not be in any kind of serious relationship, all you are doing is hurting someone you say you "care about"...let her go man. Be single and date.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Let her go and live by yourself. You have some aging to do.


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