# Deciding to stay or go



## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Hi, everyone. I am a 36 year old female and have been married for 10 years. My husband is 17 years older than me and we have two kids together. I started noticing "warning signs" of abuse right after I began dating him but I think I was too blind and had much too low of self-esteem back then to do anything about it. I wound up pregnant and we married, though I considered just having the child on my own as his sometime cruelty gave me a lot of trepidation about how our marriage would turn out. I felt I did love him, though, and we had a lot of sexual passion back then.

Throughout our 10 years of marriage, he has shown himself to be a very insensitive and abusive person. He curses and screams at me when he's mad, says horrible things as he knows all my fears, weaknesses and trigger points. He says terrible things to our kids (things to discourage them and make them feel bad about themselves, like criticizing about athletic abilities, appearance, etc.) He is insensitive in that he laughs at handicapped people at times, laughed about his brother raping a woman in the Navy and getting away with it - just horrible stuff no sane, decent person would find humorous. He does not work and has not for the past 5 years. He sits home and gets drunk/stoned a lot (I do not do either) and deals with his hobbies like music and fixing things (not for money), etc. He won't clean up the house but does cook some. I have to get up in the morning, get me and the kids ready, fix their breakfast, get us to work & school and help with homework at night. I work a demanding full-time job and also go to school part time. 

I am very, very, profoundly unhappy. I love my kids and at times, my husband can be a nice guy, especially when he is trying to make up for some outburst he has had (honeymoon phase of abuse) or when he is in a good mood (rarely). I do not love this man anymore as his constant horrible attitude and selfish actions have killed all that. I wish him well in life and don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I do not love him as a spouse. I am completely not attracted to him anymore, either. Sex is miserable for me but I give in so he won't get mad. I would love to just leave with my children and try to eventually find a new and happy relationship (I am not cheating and would not do so), but I'm afraid. I'm in therapy to work all this out.

I guess what I'm wondering is if I should sit him down and tell him just how I feel - that I don't feel in love with him, am not attracted to him and hate the way he treats me and the kids. I also want to tell him to get a job or get out, I am not taking care of him the rest of my life. I am still young and people often mistake me for someone in my 20s. I want to live life while I still can. Admittedly, I don't trust men much anymore, but I imagine there are some decent people out there and I don't want to miss out on love for the rest of my life out of a sense of responsibility. Should I tell him and see if he will go to counseling together as a last ditch effort or just go?


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## Leaver (Jan 31, 2012)

Just leave.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Agreed. Why are you even debating staying? From your post, he has no redeeming qualities.

A life of abuse isn't much of a life.


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## sadinsalem (Jan 12, 2012)

Having grown up with a carbon copy of your husband for a dad, I can tell you, run run run as fast as you can with your kids and don't look back..


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

I guess I just don't want to think I didn't do all I could to give this marriage a chance. I don't want my kids to one day resent me. They love their dad, even though is often very unkind to them. I guess that is natural. They really do need to be in a healthier environment. Also, when you have lived with a situation (even a bad one) for a long time, you get used to it in some ways so that leaving would cause some anxiety. It's really scary for me to think of leaving even though I know deep down that's what I want and need to do. I talked to him about counseling last night and he was reluctant at first but then said he'd try it. I am considering it only as a safe place to tell him how desperate things have become for me. I'm willing to give it about 6 more months to see if he can make some REAL changes and if not, I am afraid I'm gone.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Damn, how tough for you. You have to look out for yourself and the kids. It sounds like he may have some psychiatric disorder, that needs to be assessed and perhaps medication would help him.

But I hope the counseling works for you, at least you will know you tried and gave it your best shot.

Don't put off leaving because a new life scares you.


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## Texas_Ham (Feb 1, 2012)

Yes, you definitely need out of that relationship (if you can even call it that).

As for your kids, they'll be fine. Your husband sounds like a more extreme version of my own father, who my mother left after a 21 year marriage filled with verbal abuse and just overall insensitivity. Kids are remarkably resilient, do yourself and them a favor and leave that toxic mess as soon as possible.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

luckycardinal said:


> I don't want my kids to one day resent me. They love their dad, even though is often very unkind to them.


Your kids will resent you for subjecting them to their father's abuse if it continues. Try counseling but be prepared to end your marriage QUICKLY if/when counseling breaks down. Kids should not have to grow up in that type of abusive environment.


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## JAK (Feb 8, 2012)

I know where you're coming from.I suffer some of the same issues at times.But no matter what.It's my life.I have friends that live near the airport.The planes thunder down.The first time I was there I didn't know what it was.The windows were shaking.I asked does it bother you?.They said we just ignore it, We love the house.I learned something.I have to look at what I love and what, I don't, I have to accept just the way it is.But in no way should I accept unacceptable behavior and I have to make it very clear so we are on the same page and trying to mean what I say takes time and patience.I have to take care of myself.It doesn't mean threats.Coming to a site and asking what should I do would get me to many extreme views.There are 2 sides to every story,My story must include my mistakes or I will never get better with or without love


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