# I can't do this anymore



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

You are welcome to read my previous posts. I'm not going to go into a lot of history right now as I am writing this on my iPod. My h and I have only been married 8 months and we have had sex a total of 3 times. I initiated those and then I quit. He doesn't even sleep in our bed now. I've been puking sick since Thursday night and today we've been fighting about my plans this summer. I asked him to leave the house for a while so we both could have some time apart and he refused so I grabbed a jacket to leave. Then he got angry and said I couldn't leave cuz I was sick and blocked the door with his body and held the door knob and wouldn't let me out of the house. We fought and I finally got out and went for a drive. I can't believe he tried to physically bar me from leaving my own house. I already feel trapped in this marriage and usually trapped in my bedroom cuz he never gies anywhere and we r always fighting and now he thinks he can tell me when I can and can't leave the house? There's so much more history in my post but right now I feel like I'm losing it and had to vent this out. I'm so done with my marriage. The worst part is he won't leave and his reason is always "this is MY house I don't have to leave!" just because the house comes with his job. But I make a higher salary pay the rest of the bills carry all of our insurance etc. He always holds that over my head and that's not fair. 
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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow, that sucks. I have read your previous story. 

I hope you figure this out. If you can swing moving out, do it. Find any cheap basement room you can or something. When my wife and I separated for a few months, she was able to craigslist a small room for very cheap with a friendly couple and use their kitchen.

I don't remember if you have talked to your family or if thats an option for you, but if you haven't I think you need to.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks! My family knows what's going on. Unfortunately they don't live near me. Its hard to find a place to live. We r in a very small town
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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think you would be surprised if you asked, but I don't really know your situation. We have a few of my older sister's friends live with us for a year because their situation was really bad. We live in a town of <2,000.

Even a friend of a friend might have a spare room they aren't using, at least until you can figure something else out. We converted a "stuff" room into something simple with 2 beds.

A lot of people would be fine with a little bit of money to help with rent and they would make it work.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Also, how far are you from a woman shelter?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Not sure but it's not abusive. He's not abusive. Just distant. We are not even friends anymore. I think when I leave it will be for good. Not a separation. we don't have kids and haven't even been married a year yet. Not much to hold on to.
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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I said woman shelter because they would have both counseling and a place to stay if something happened. Standing in front of the door isn't good.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

anx said:


> I said woman shelter because they would have both counseling and a place to stay if something happened. Standing in front of the door isn't good.


Thank you for the advice!
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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well I tried to talk to him today. I told him that I feel like it is over. He said he wouldn't get divorced and that he made a promise that he wouldn't divorce, so that would be all up to me. I want us to mutually work on this. Does he really want a marriage where we don't even sleep in the same room and have no possibility of ever having children because we don't have sex? He said that I just think I'm perfect and everything is his fault. I told him that we are both at fault, but when he refuses to talk about anything at all then how are we supposed to get to the bottom of our problems and make some changes. Of course it ended in yelling. He cried the entire time which is what he always does anymore. He either yells or cries. I was brutally honest and told him that I've lost my attraction to him and lost my feelings for him and don't know how to get that back. He chose to start sleeping on the couch all the time. He says that is my fault. That he couldn't stand sleeping with me because he could "feel" that I didn't want him there. At the very start of our marriage I found out that he was looking at porn and this is when he wasn't even initiating sex with me. At that time, he claimed he didn't go to those sites. That it was an accident. He accidentally opened something on his email and it took him there. I knew he was lying and felt very bad about myself that he didn't even want to have sex with me, and was satisfying himself with porn when we were newly married. Well, today, he says that he had never visited porn sites in the past and only did it then out of curiosity. So, his curiosity starts when he is newly married and not before???? He had access to porn the first 35 years of his life, I don't believe that he hadn't done it before and only did it when we first got married. And if so, then why???? Why when he had a newly married wife???? Is it any wonder I started pulling away from him at night??? I already was self-conscious about my body, being 40 lbs overweight, and that made it worse. I have since been losing the weight and feeling great, but that doesn't make any difference since my H and I haven't had sex pretty much since we got married anyway.

Sorry about the rambling. I am having a terribly hard day. I have dealt with depression in the past, all through my 20's. I have worked hard to deal with my depression and have not had any problems for quite a while. Probably haven't really felt "depressed" for a few years now. Yesterday, after he wouldn't let me leave the house, I had the first panic attack I've had in years. I feel like he is dragging me down. And I actually feel like he wants me to be down like him. He wants me to sit at home and feel depressed like him. He wants me to not go out with friends, like him. He has driven everyone out of his life, and he wants me to be there with him. I can't do it. I won't do it.

He now says he wants to go to marriage counseling. So, I put it on him to call and make appointments. Is it terrible of me to say that I don't even really want to go now because I don't really want to stay in this marriage??? I fought him to go to counseling from the beginning!!! I've fought him for at least 6 months to talk to me!!! He only wants to go now because I am ready to leave. 

I'm also afraid that if I leave he won't handle it well. I feel like he bases his happiness and his existence on me now. Back when he was sleeping in our bed, he wouldn't even sleep there if I was visiting my parents. He doesn't want to do anything without me. 

This sounds like a sexist view, but I guess this is my view of men and women. I feel like he is the "wife" in this relationship. He cries, when I ask him what's wrong he says "nothing" only for me to later find out that something was wrong. He gives the silent treatment. I pay bills, do our taxes, take care of things financially. And, until we quit having sex, I initiated sex...even though this was a turn off for me.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

A lot of people have non-normal marriages in terms of vocalness, shutting down, who pays the bills, who initiates sex, who cleans, etc. 

Its dumb that he didn't want to MC until now. I got in MC as soon as my wife said she was unhappy and she thought it may have been to late a lot of times. 

What it comes down to is whether or not he is REALLY able to change. As in 100% dedicated, open to what you want and feel, able to talk about issues without screaming or crying. A ton of people have issues like that. Mostly they grow in over time due to hurt, but you guys had them from very quick into it.

As a man thats gone through this (my MC story is in my profile), men do 100% change. Insane 180s into dedicated and open husbands. 

As soon as a man realizes he was wrong, his entire outlook on life can change overnight.

Its your choice now what you want to do. MC and forgiveness are hard. Waiting for him to change you don't trust is hard. 

Best of luck. I'm really glad that he decided to get into MC, but that complicates things for you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I'm also afraid that if I leave he won't handle it well. I feel like he bases his happiness and his existence on me now. Back when he was sleeping in our bed, he wouldn't even sleep there if I was visiting my parents. He doesn't want to do anything without me.
> 
> This sounds like a sexist view, but I guess this is my view of men and women. I feel like he is the "wife" in this relationship. He cries, when I ask him what's wrong he says "nothing" only for me to later find out that something was wrong. He gives the silent treatment. I pay bills, do our taxes, take care of things financially. And, until we quit having sex, I initiated sex...even though this was a turn off for me.


Maybe in MC he will learn to grow up and take responsibility for his own happiness. It is not right and not fair of him to place that responsibility on you--that is not what marriage is, yet many people with low self esteem do just that. If he learns to feel better about himself, things might improve. But letting go of one's crutch (you are his crutch) is really hard, so good luck!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Maybe in MC he will learn to grow up and take responsibility for his own happiness. It is not right and not fair of him to place that responsibility on you--that is not what marriage is, yet many people with low self esteem do just that. If he learns to feel better about himself, things might improve. But letting go of one's crutch (you are his crutch) is really hard, so good luck!


Thank you! I agree that he needs to learn to let go. I was like this when I was younger. My happiness seemed to depend on whether or not I had a man. But, then I grew up, finished college, got a career, and learned to take care of myself. For some men, this is attractive. For other men, I think it scares them that I am self sufficient. For my H I think he respects it, but I also think he wants me to "need" him more than I do. He doesn't like to see that I can be happy on my own. I don't want to be his crutch. I don't want him to be so dependent on me that he can't be happy without me around. 

I have summers off and this summer I have the opportunity to spend a month in the mountains to help take care of my niece with special needs. Then take the Amtrak to California to visit a friend who moved there. My H is now upset about it. He says "Go anywhere you want." but makes sure to add, "don't expect me to feel happy that you are leaving." I don't want him to be happy I'm gone, but I want him to be happy that I have these opportunities and to support me in taking them. His job is busier in the summer than in the winter, so our schedules are totally different for vacation. That's life. Plus, maybe being away this summer will give me some time to think. I just hate that he plays the "good husband" by saying "Go".....but makes sure to throw a guilt trip in on me because he will be all alone and is not happy.


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## bella5 (Apr 20, 2011)

ku1980rose - I feel like I'm reading my own story. I too have been married for 8 months and am now seperated.

After we were engaged he said he wanted to wait until we were married so it would be special. I thought that was so sweet and romantic that he wanted to do that. On our wedding night he wouldn't even help me get my dress off (I nearly had to cut it). Since our honeymoon he hasn't touched me, and any move I've made he rejects. I told him that next time it was up to him so there has been nothing. 

I never could understand why people can say they love someone but cheat on them. I do now though, it's to feel wanted more than anything. The rejection makes you feel like the ugliest person on earth. It's even harder when everyone asks 'how's married life?' and you don't know what to say. 

I too pay for all the bills etc. He said he was saving for our 'future'. I now discover he just has a lot of debt and no savings. I own property so he obviously just thought I was his free ride. 

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and thanks for sharing your story - it made me realise that I'm not either. I hope things pick up for you soon.


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