# Time to Move on?



## Millerroo (Aug 10, 2015)

This is going to be long since it is my first post, but I could really use some advise. 

I have been with my H 11 years married 9. We met my freshman year in college and have been through a lot together. In addition to feeling like we have grown apart he has some personal issues that have caused increased strain on out marriage. 

He has attempted to have physical encounters outside the marriage 4 times now. Only one he confessed to being successful. All done through hook up sites. He keeps saying that I don't fulfill his needs enough, he would like it every day of the week multiple times a day where I am 2-3 times a week. But due to the distance lately it's been 2-3 time a month. I have tried in the past to put effort into this area but I feel like it is always about his needs and not mine. There is very little effort and always short lived on him giving me what I need to get closer to meeting his needs. More and more lately though it is me initiating and not him. Which got me asking him if he is even attracted to me or loves me, he says he does. His actions seem to speak louder then his words. Since he is saying he wants it more but does not come and get it unless I offer it up.

He also has a drinking problem. He says he drinks because he thinks about sex with other women all day, everyday. I think there is more to it. He went through some rough things as a kid. He was close to his dad who died when he was 15. His dad was physically abusive to his mom and sibling and and emotionally abusive to all of them. He also told me once he was sexually abused at least twice by some other men in his life. 

He won't acknowledge his drinking is a problem though he thinks his it is normal. He was drinking a 12 pack 2-3 days a week several years ago. He said he was going to drink less so he got down to a 6 pack 2-3 days a week for about a year but it went back up so a 6 pack 5-6 days a week. I knew he liked to drink in college but we went to a party school so I figured he would be like most guys and grow out of it...guess I was wrong. 

The drinking worries me because it is a fine line between him being a "normal" drunk and loosing his cool. Most times it is just irrational arguments. On occasion it will be worse. He has never hit me but he does get emotionally abusive and violent. He will throw things, hit doors and walls. These events are a couple times a year but I am always on my guard waiting for the next one. So any time he drinks I get nervous. 

Every time we go through a bad patch he says he is going to work on things. He know he should drink less etc. On the physical part there is some effort for a few days, a week then it ends. On the drinking side it is always from next week I will do better and then next week things don't change. 

He recently came back from a trip overseas and I told him I was at a breaking point. That I needed to see some significant effort or that I did not think there was a point in continuing. He really cracked down for several weeks on the drinking. I really thought he was making a change, then forth of July he got completely wasted and the same thing the next week. I was crushed and started looking at how I could move out. He again apologized for the slip ups and that he was really trying. 

Things were going good for another couple of weeks and that is when I found the messages to some girl at an arrangement service. I have no idea if he hooked up with anyone and really I am not sure I need to know. That is the first time I had finally told him I was done. The morning came though and he acted like nothing happened. We talked again he said it was because his needs where not being met and we had the same conversation about both our needs being important. I still feel like he is disconnected though. There is still little effort on his part despite him saying that he wanted to fight for our marriage. The only thing he has done is cut way back on watching porn. But there is still no effort to meet my intimate needs or cut back on the drinking. 

Several years ago he was ready to give up and I was trying to save the marriage. At my pushing we had gone to counseling and he had gone to a sex therapist. The sex therapist said he did not have any sex addiction issues since he does not watch porn enough to interfere with his life. He came to the conclusion that counseling and therapists were just after our money and it was a waste of time. So I know there is no point in going down that path again with him. 

I think all of this has brought me to a point that I am not attracted to him enough which makes the intimate part harder. He still makes me laugh. When things feel normal and he is more affectionate like he used to be I find my self falling in love with him all over. When he is not drinking we have a lot of fun together. Even doing the dumbest things like grocery shopping. I am starting to feel like maybe we are both staying together because it is easier. I know for me the hard part is financially he is holding us together he manages most of that and makes more then I do. It would be pretty tough for me to move out on my own I know I would either have to move home with my parents or in with a room mate. I also think I am a little scared of not finding someone else. I really do want a family and kids, but at what expense. 

Am I crazy for giving him so many chances? In hoping that he will change at all? I am justified for feeling like it is time to move on now that I am almost 30 and ready for a family...just possibly not with him?
Or am I just going through a personal mini crisis since he was my only serious relationship and I did not get to "enjoy" my 20's.

Thanks for reading forever and any advise.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If he has a problem with alcohol it will not get better on its own and you will always play second fiddle to it. Alcohol also increases the chances of him cheating.

If he was sexually abused when he was a young boy it is very likely that he is using alcohol and other women to self-medicate the pain he feels in his inner most being due to the abuse. This is 
apparently a normal response of adult survivors of sexual abuse (he was also emotionally abused by his father, so added complications). They are more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs.
He is also selfish as he cannot understand where you are coming from but that may be precipitated by his past as it is all about himself and self preservation. Such people in marriages are hard work.

He must seek counselling for this as dealing with the symptons (drinking and cheating) will not help. it is highly likely you have become co-dependent (your comment "These events are a couple times a year but I am always on my guard waiting for the next one. So any time he drinks I get nervous") and there is no excuse on this earth for accepting his violence (hitting walls, doors etc). You might have become acclimatized to it but it is totally unacceptable. He will not change because of you but he might be willing to seek help if he stands to lose you and his marriage.

You should get yourself into Al-Anon which will help you understand the situation better and get yourself out of the hole you are in. You should also seek IC as you need to be strong for what comes next.
If he is not willing to change, get help then you have to consider a separation. He may well see you as just another abuser but you have to tell him you are doing it for your own sanity and the good of the marriage in the long run as he really needs help.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Move on, don't bring children into this situation. He's a drunk, a cheater and a sex addict and odds are if you did have children with him he would drink more and cheat more because you would be busy with your children so that would be his excuse. He also sounds like he gets angry and has a violent side. I wouldn't stay with him and I certainly wouldn't bring children into this marriage.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You write you have parents so I would ask their advice I suppose they know your husband. You are scared to leave so you have a difficult decision. 
Does he want kids you apparently do.
People dont usually change and so it is wishful thinking on your part. You have to imagine he stays the same and base your decision on that.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

You mentioned you want a family, and God willing, you will have that one day. PLEASE DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. 

Your husband is alcoholic, unfaithful to you, and goes in to violent spurts. Why would you even consider bringing a child in to such a relationship? Imagine yourself and your child(ren) cowering in a corner as you wait-out one of his drunken violent episodes...

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him to change. Take him to counselling. Put my foot down. Deliver ultimatums. Do everything I could in an effort to change things for the better...but you've already done all of that. Now it's time to truly consider ending your relationship with him and finding a more healthy life partner. I strongly advise you to find a healthier life partner and wish you all the best.


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## Millerroo (Aug 10, 2015)

aine said:


> If he was sexually abused when he was a young boy it is very likely that he is using alcohol and other women to self-medicate the pain he feels in his inner most being due to the abuse. This is
> apparently a normal response of adult survivors of sexual abuse (he was also emotionally abused by his father, so added complications). They are more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs.
> He is also selfish as he cannot understand where you are coming from but that may be precipitated by his past as it is all about himself and self preservation. Such people in marriages are hard work.
> 
> ...


Thank you this was very helpful. He has told me before that it is hard to explain how he feels. That he does not wish his worst enemy to feel how he does. But he was completely against talking about his past when we did counseling before. Maybe if I approach it from this perspective he will be more receptive. 

I am going to give him this last ultimatum to seek help or we have to end the marriage now.

I guess I just needed the reassurance.

I agree with the others regarding the kids. That is why we have not had kids yet.


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