# Anger management?



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I have never told my complete story, I personally don't think I'm ready at the moment, I am still in the healing process. My wife had a six month EA/PA with her coworker. It began in the summer, mid June 2010 through January 2011. My d-day was January 20, 2014. I have been in both MC and IC, and they have helped. In July I noticed my anger and rage returning and sitting just below the surface. I would snap at my IC and wife rather easily. My IC began working on my anger and why it was returning, and we have found out why. 

I have been angry as this is the time my wife was in her affair full force five years ago. I have noticed this affecting my work, and obviously my home life. My IC has suggested that I go to anger management classes, so has my primary physician. I'm reluctant to go thinking this should go away in time. But I've been so wrong with decisions until I found TAM I thought I would ask all of you. Many of you provided me help in so many other threads, that I trust your opinions and advice. This coming from a person who has trust issues. So my questions are should I go to anger management classes? Has anyone gone to anger management classes and what should I expect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why not? Professionals that you trust are encouraging you to do so.... so why not? Learn some coping skills, etc... It could be a good thing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Obviously you still have not moved on from her infilidity, so why do you still want to stay married....and more importantly what has she done/doing to help you through her pain


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't know your story but boot out the cheater and your anger will steadily dissipate. 

I don't think anything will solve the entire problem until the root cause is not there. 

But yes, classes of any sort are worthwhile if you have the time and money.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

I haven't ever been, but one of my foster brothers did, and we talked about it afterwards.

when he was a sophomore in high school, grandma had been taking care of him and a younger sister, and when she died (cancer) they both went through a few homes very fast. Mother in jail for solicitation, no idea where their father was, half brothers scattered around living with other people since before they lived with grandma.

For a long time he was filled with rage. Just, at the drop of the hat go to hulk smash mode.
his social worker talked him into anger management, and you could see him using it sometimes. He would go into rage mode, and then slowly take himself back down. it's exactly what it's called. You learn ways to manage your anger. You will still get angry. It's not a cure. but, it should help you cope, and you will figure out the triggers that make you so angry and learn to avoid them, or deal with them. 

Now, he just finished a masters degree, and manages a program for troubled youth.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I don't think it would hurt a thing for you to give it a try.

A friend of mine has a son you went to anger management. Sixty-eight is correct, the classes don't stop you from getting angry, but gave they did give her son tools. He saw himself becoming close to losing control and could change the situation, or use techniques to dissipate the anger before he put his fist through a wall.

If you trust your IC, then listen to his advice.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> My IC began working on my anger and why it was returning, and *we have found out why*
> My IC has suggested that I go to anger management classes, so has my primary physician.
> So my questions are should I go to anger management classes?


Since your IC and you have discovered why you are angry and he has suggested you go to anger management, in addition to your Physician, and in addition to some on this TAM board, *you should have a pretty good reason to go, right?*

Without your full story and the reason why you are angry, I can just go on what your professionals have told you.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

You're wrong, this isn't the time of your wife's affair. That was years ago, her affair is captured in the past. It won't serve you to think of any time between June through January as the time of your wife's affair. The months may be cyclical and repeat but time is linear, it moves forward.

Whether or not you should attend anger management, I have no idea. I've never had any experience with it or know of anyone who has.

Your anger is understandable/normal though, even now. Infidelity is an outrage. Allow yourself to feel the anger and express it. You shouldn't let it go unresolved or muted, confront your anger. Talk about it, scream, yodel, shout (I don't necessarily mean at your wife). Anger doesn't have to be bad, you can be constructive with it. There's a strong physical aspect to anger. It ranges depending on the intensity of your anger, whether you're slightly peeved or experiencing a blind rage, you feel it. Maybe your muscles tense up, you feel anxious, ready, your breathing becomes shallow, etc. You're basically in 'fight' mode but have no one to fight, nowhere to direct this anger. Take up or involve yourself in some sort of physical activity so that you have a physical outlet for your anger, swim, go to the gym, sprint, box, do push-ups, whatever.


Explore your anger as well, find out specifically where the anger stems from when you're experiencing it and what you are angry over. There's a lot of anger associated with infidelity, anger at the adulterous spouse, their actions and behaviour during and after the affair, their treatment of you, the other mistress/mister, the affair itself, etc..

What is often neglected or overlooked is the anger the betrayed spouse feels towards himself/herself. Maybe blaming themselves for the affair or how they've behaved, reacted and handled the affair. I don't think anyone thinks to themselves that if they're ever cheated on that they would stay, and yet many people do stay. That act alone betrays their constitution, dignity and self-respect, and there's anger associated with that.

There's a difference between reconciliation and just staying married. It could be that you haven't really made any progress in your reconciliation, or that you can't. There's the possibility that you just can't remain with someone who has cheated on you, regardless of how apologetic, remorseful and genuine their remorse, or the effort made to work on and maintain the relationship. There are many who've stayed who wish that they hadn't, and everyday breeds more resentment, self-loathing, regret and anger.


Anger can exist on its own but it often tends to be a secondary emotion, and underneath that anger is usually pain, hurt, frustration, confusion, etc, anger is a pretty easy emotion to access. It tells you that something is (still) wrong and that there are (still) unresolved feelings and issues. Find out what your anger is trying to tell you. If you can address that, then you'll be able to work through the anger.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're paying your IC and your physician for their expert advise. It might be a good idea to actually follow the advise you're paying for. Otherwise, you might as well set your money on fire. They spent a good portion of their lives in training so they probably know a few things you don't. If you were giddy happy you wouldn't be seeing a counselor, so rather than lean on your own counsel (which has thus far brought you unhappiness) why not try the treatment these experts have suggested? Losing your job won't add to your life satisfaction and you have already said your anger is adversely impacting your job. Given the choice between going to anger management classes or going to the unemployment office, I believe I'd be signing up for some classes. That's just me.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, when you are angry what do you do? Do you yell, scream, knock things out, or hit someone? Anger management can help you control your actions. There are coping strategies such as coping strategies for anxiety.

What does your wife do? What are triggers for you to get this anger to an uncontrollable situation? You mentioned that you are still angry about your wife's infidelity. Why are you still in this marriage?

When physicians are involved, it usually gets referred to a psychiatrist where medication are often prescribed. There are side effects. You need to discuss this with your physician. Sorry you are here.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> I have never told my complete story, I personally don't think I'm ready at the moment, I am still in the healing process. My wife had a six month EA/PA with her coworker. It began in the summer, mid June 2010 through January 2011. My d-day was January 20, 2014. I have been in both MC and IC, and they have helped. In July I noticed my anger and rage returning and sitting just below the surface. I would snap at my IC and wife rather easily. My IC began working on my anger and why it was returning, and we have found out why.
> 
> I have been angry as this is the time my wife was in her affair full force five years ago. I have noticed this affecting my work, and obviously my home life. My IC has suggested that I go to anger management classes, so has my primary physician. I'm reluctant to go thinking this should go away in time. But I've been so wrong with decisions until I found TAM I thought I would ask all of you. Many of you provided me help in so many other threads, that I trust your opinions and advice. This coming from a person who has trust issues. So my questions are should I go to anger management classes? Has anyone gone to anger management classes and what should I expect?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have never been but if you trust your IC and your doctor then I'd follow their advice. The anger management is for you - not your wife. You need to process these emotions to get yourself healthy again. I think perhaps in your R - you have swallowed too much that your wife had dealt out and it is now resurfacing like emotional acid reflux. I think you need to take the classes in anger maangement and reasses your whole situtation. Good luck!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Of course you should go into anger management, as someone wise once said, the expression of anger is like the steam coming out from under the hood of a car. The car needs to be attended to, likewise you need to be attended to. The experts will be able to identify what triggers your anger, you could be in the anger stage of the grief cycle after discovering your WW A. There is nothing wrong with anger at all, it is a useful emotion to help us express ourselves but it is how you express it that is sometimes the problem and if you need help with that, then go for it.

remember at this juncture of your life, it is all about you becoming a better man, for yourself.


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## strictlike (Oct 19, 2015)

I don't think anything will solve the entire problem until the root cause is not there.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

strictlike said:


> I don't think anything will solve the entire problem until the root cause is not there.


This.

You can attend anger management classes, learn the techniques to treat your symptoms and probably effectively control your anger. However, you should also consider removing the source: your wife. 

Adapt to living with the injustice, or remove the offender from your life. Two ways to handle it. The choice is yours.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DO:

Anger is secondary.Typically anger comes from fear or hurt. I suspect it is the latter at this point given the length of time since the affair.

So you are still hurting. That is perfectly normal at this point. I have seen many statistics thrown around TAM that state it takes several years to fully recover from an affair.

Should you do anger management? I think it would be good for you. It can only help no matter what happens to your life or your marriage.

I know you are in reconciliation. Have you truly forgiven your wife for the affair yet? It doesn't sound like it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with others.
Do the anger management for yourself.

Also, learn why you feel angry at your wife. Did she live very remorsefully with you after D-day?

Accept that you may always be angry with her on the inside, even if you learn how to deal with the external behavior. Whether that hate will subside over time is up to you, and to her in terms of how she will/will not be supportive of your efforts.

If you still hate her after your therapy, then maybe you should let her go.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

DO could you be subconsciously angry with yourself as well ? 

For R or for blaming yourself for the A ?

For thinking you were not “man enough” ?

For not knowing about the A before D Day ?

Are these unresolved issues in your head ?

You know all of these questions and self-doubt are BS right ?

I hope this is not the case.

55


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

From my perspective learning new tools to help you manage your response to anger sounds like a good opportunity for growth. As long as you keep it in perspective. This is anger management not anger prevention 

Is your response when you are angry inappropriate? If yes then definitely go. 

The bigger question is can you ever accept what has happened and move past the anger as long as you are still married? 

Moving past the anger and hurt has been easier for me with the divorce. 

Ymmv


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> *I have never told my complete story, I personally don't think I'm ready at the moment, I am still in the healing process.* My wife had a six month EA/PA with her coworker. It began in the summer, mid June 2010 through January 2011. My d-day was January 20, 2014. I have been in both MC and IC, and they have helped. In July I noticed my anger and rage returning and sitting just below the surface. I would snap at my IC and wife rather easily. My IC began working on my anger and why it was returning, and we have found out why.
> 
> I have been angry as this is the time my wife was in her affair full force five years ago. I have noticed this affecting my work, and obviously my home life. My IC has suggested that I go to anger management classes, so has my primary physician. I'm reluctant to go thinking this should go away in time. But I've been so wrong with decisions until I found TAM I thought I would ask all of you. Many of you provided me help in so many other threads, that I trust your opinions and advice. This coming from a person who has trust issues. So my questions are should I go to anger management classes? Has anyone gone to anger management classes and what should I expect?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One more thing...When you are ready please do tell us your whole story...it would help the rest of us more fully understand your anger...but only when you are ready to tell it all.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Why not? Professionals that you trust are encouraging you to do so.... so why not? Learn some coping skills, etc... It could be a good thing.




SunnyT

Thank you, I have been unsure if this is something I need to do but I guess the answer is obvious. I could always control my anger like a light switch, and now I feel as if the switch is gone, no control over this emotion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Xenote said:


> Obviously you still have not moved on from her infilidity, so why do you still want to stay married....and more importantly what has she done/doing to help you through her pain




Xenote

I am in reconciliation, my wife is remorseful and regretful doing everything right, and I have read threads where even if the WS does everything right it still isn't enough. Infidelity was a huge hit to me, I'm moving slow working through every detail with my wife, as I want this done right. My anger is I believe from my poor handling of the affair and the fact she had an affair. Working through this had been difficult and now I find myself thinking back to this is the exact time she was fully engaged in her affair. Simply put it angers me to no end as during this time she treated me so badly. I think that would piss off anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What there ever any recourse with the other man, did you confront him or did you expose him to his family?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I don't know your story but boot out the cheater and your anger will steadily dissipate.
> 
> I don't think anything will solve the entire problem until the root cause is not there.
> 
> But yes, classes of any sort are worthwhile if you have the time and money.




I am in reconciliation, we are making good progress, but I'm angry. I think being angry is normal, at least for the betrayal I went through. I will most likely go to the classes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sixty-eight said:


> I haven't ever been, but one of my foster brothers did, and we talked about it afterwards.
> 
> when he was a sophomore in high school, grandma had been taking care of him and a younger sister, and when she died (cancer) they both went through a few homes very fast. Mother in jail for solicitation, no idea where their father was, half brothers scattered around living with other people since before they lived with grandma.
> 
> ...



Thank you for this, exactly what I was looking for. It sounds like the classes were of great help, something I need, and after reading this I will tell my IC I will go. God bless him for working with troubled youth. His life expieriences will help him truly connect with the youths he helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> I don't think it would hurt a thing for you to give it a try.
> 
> A friend of mine has a son you went to anger management. Sixty-eight is correct, the classes don't stop you from getting angry, but gave they did give her son tools. He saw himself becoming close to losing control and could change the situation, or use techniques to dissipate the anger before he put his fist through a wall.
> 
> If you trust your IC, then listen to his advice.


 Thank you, I do trust my IC and primary physician, I will go. I understand it won't mean I won't get angry but I do need to learn coping skills to turn the anger into positive or constructive energy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> Since your IC and you have discovered why you are angry and he has suggested you go to anger management, in addition to your Physician, and in addition to some on this TAM board, *you should have a pretty good reason to go, right?*
> 
> Without your full story and the reason why you are angry, I can just go on what your professionals have told you.




I have read and respected your posts on other threads and you are a man of wisdom in my opinion. With that being said I'm just not ready to give my full story at this time. I have much respect for many posters on TAM and some that I have just heard from before your post. So far it seems that I should go so I will go. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Thank you for this, exactly what I was looking for. It sounds like the classes were of great help, something I need, and after reading this I will tell my IC I will go. God bless him for working with troubled youth. His life expieriences will help him truly connect with the youths he helps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Although it is wildly frustrating, he loves his job . we're really proud of him.

anyway, glad i could help!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Locke.Stratos said:


> You're wrong, this isn't the time of your wife's affair. That was years ago, her affair is captured in the past. It won't serve you to think of any time between June through January as the time of your wife's affair. The months may be cyclical and repeat but time is linear, it moves forward.
> 
> Whether or not you should attend anger management, I have no idea. I've never had any experience with it or know of anyone who has.
> 
> ...




Do you know me? I am amazed at how well you know exactly how I have felt. My IC says the anger is at the top, and many factors below the anger are what is making me angry. There are too many too list here, but with all the contributing factors I see I need better coping skills. Your post has made so much sense to me I'm still thinking we know each other. Thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> You're paying your IC and your physician for their expert advise. It might be a good idea to actually follow the advise you're paying for. Otherwise, you might as well set your money on fire. They spent a good portion of their lives in training so they probably know a few things you don't. If you were giddy happy you wouldn't be seeing a counselor, so rather than lean on your own counsel (which has thus far brought you unhappiness) why not try the treatment these experts have suggested? Losing your job won't add to your life satisfaction and you have already said your anger is adversely impacting your job. Given the choice between going to anger management classes or going to the unemployment office, I believe I'd be signing up for some classes. That's just me.




Thank you, you are correct, remove the variables and it is a fairly easy question to answer. I appreciate the perspective I couldn't see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> OP, when you are angry what do you do? Do you yell, scream, knock things out, or hit someone? Anger management can help you control your actions. There are coping strategies such as coping strategies for anxiety.
> 
> What does your wife do? What are triggers for you to get this anger to an uncontrollable situation? You mentioned that you are still angry about your wife's infidelity. Why are you still in this marriage?
> 
> When physicians are involved, it usually gets referred to a psychiatrist where medication are often prescribed. There are side effects. You need to discuss this with your physician. Sorry you are here.




When I get angry I usually re-arrange the garage, meaning I throw everything I can from one side to the other. I will yell and scream, but I have stopped punching walls and doors. I have not taken my anger out on a person, but I have come close on several occasions. My wife would try to talk me through but at my request, I asked her to stop. I have actually made a fist and came very close to hitting her. Before all of this I couldn't even form a thought to hit her. So I am going to go and hopefully learn to cope much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I have never been but if you trust your IC and your doctor then I'd follow their advice. The anger management is for you - not your wife. You need to process these emotions to get yourself healthy again. I think perhaps in your R - you have swallowed too much that your wife had dealt out and it is now resurfacing like emotional acid reflux. I think you need to take the classes in anger maangement and reasses your whole situtation. Good luck!!




In many ways you are correct, I will go to anger management. Your analogy is spot on and I will reassess after I learn to cope with my anger better. Thank you Truthseeker1 for all of your support, you have challenged my thoughts and offered true advice, much respect from me brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

aine said:


> Of course you should go into anger management, as someone wise once said, the expression of anger is like the steam coming out from under the hood of a car. The car needs to be attended to, likewise you need to be attended to. The experts will be able to identify what triggers your anger, you could be in the anger stage of the grief cycle after discovering your WW A. There is nothing wrong with anger at all, it is a useful emotion to help us express ourselves but it is how you express it that is sometimes the problem and if you need help with that, then go for it.
> 
> remember at this juncture of your life, it is all about you becoming a better man, for yourself.



Thank you for redirecting my thoughts to healing me and not the marriage. I need to do this so I can be better instead of angry at the drop of a hat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

strictlike said:


> I don't think anything will solve the entire problem until the root cause is not there.




Yeah, but in reconciliation the object is to reconcile and that would mean keeping the root cause. Same as a cavity or root canal, keeping the tooth is the root cause, but if necessary pull the tooth, or in my case divorce. I will keep my root cause and continue reconciling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> This.
> 
> You can attend anger management classes, learn the techniques to treat your symptoms and probably effectively control your anger. However, you should also consider removing the source: your wife.
> 
> Adapt to living with the injustice, or remove the offender from your life. Two ways to handle it. The choice is yours.




Adapting to the injustice is something I struggle with, but I will get there. I will go to anger management and double check my situation. I think I will be fine, just need to cope with the anger in a lore constructive way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree it's worth a try. I'm curious - are you still in MC? You mention rage in IC - do you experience rage in MC? I'm wondering if the MC is authentic if you aren't expressing those emotions there, too.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

There are so many aspects to a prolonged affair, and it takes time to absorb and process them all, as well as time to sort through, process, understand and express the emotions that you're feeling. There may be a delayed reaction in experiencing and expressing some emotions and a resurgence of others. Your anger is totally normal.

Make no mistake, an affair is totally f***** up and it's okay and normal for you to feel the way that you do.

It seems that this period not only reminds you of her affair but of her behaviour then. You're angry at the way your wife treated you then and the way you allowed her to treat you. Her behaviour hurt you, it was disrespectful, cruel and assaulted your dignity and your sense of self-worth and respect, it wasn't fair.. and you allowed it.. Guess what:surprise:? That's totally normal too. No one can hurt, take advantage of, mistreat and harm us as much as the ones we love and care for, for the very fact that we love and care for them.

You should tell her how you feel, your anger, why you're angry, all of it. And I don't mean you have to scream or yell, like I wrote earlier, anger can be constructive, it can be a tool to help you heal and move forward. So let her know. It probably won't be pleasant but so what. Holding it in and muting yourself will only allow it to go unresolved and allow it to fester and likely resurge.



drifting on said:


> Yeah, but in reconciliation the object is to reconcile and that would mean keeping the root cause


I think the objective of reconciliation should be to determine whether you are able to reconcile and whether you should reconcile.

Outside your wife and trained professional, does anyone else know of the affair? You don't have to write your story here but I feel that you do need to talk to someone (else). Not willing to talk about it is usually indicative of feelings of shame, I probably won't convince you of this but you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

Some distance, and non communication & interaction with your wife for some time might also be helpful.



drifting on said:


> When I get angry I usually re-arrange the garage, meaning I throw everything I can from one side to the other. I will yell and scream, but I have stopped punching walls and doors. I have not taken my anger out on a person, but I have come close on several occasions. My wife would try to talk me through but at my request, I asked her to stop. I have actually made a fist and came very close to hitting her. Before all of this I couldn't even form a thought to hit her.


Your anger seems to need a physical outlet so seriously either join a gym, start jogging, get a punching bag and some gloves, or some other form of intense physical exercise.. as in today.

In addition to that, take care of yourself. Look after your body and try to engage in activities that promote your emotional and psychological well-being.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> DO:
> 
> Anger is secondary.Typically anger comes from fear or hurt. I suspect it is the latter at this point given the length of time since the affair.
> 
> ...




farsidejunky

Thank you for your support, yes I do still hurt and I'm having more good days then bad. But the anger remains and probably from hurting so much. I have forgiven my wife for the affair, I wish only good things happen for her, she feels the same about me. But we both still hurt from her affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Are you sure that you want to stay in the marriage? If your anger is getting the best of you and your wife as you say is doing all she can to make up for it, then your gut instinct is telling you that you can't get over the affair she had but also the way she treated you. 

Your the only one that can make that choice. It's not like you haven't been trying so if you feel that you can't continue then maybe you should either separate or file for divorce. I wish you luck.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Satya said:


> I agree with others.
> Do the anger management for yourself.
> 
> Also, learn why you feel angry at your wife. Did she live very remorsefully with you after D-day?
> ...



Thank you, I will do the anger management, for my healing and to better myself. I do not hate my wife, I hate what she did, I hate infidelity. She has done everything right, yet I realize that sometimes that's not enough for a BS. I need to accept the anger, use it constructively and turn it to a positive. If I do come to a conclusion that I cannot get past the anger, yes I will divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> DO could you be subconsciously angry with yourself as well ?
> 
> For R or for blaming yourself for the A ?
> 
> ...




Because of my beliefs I have been asked by both my MC and IC these exact questions. I believe reconciliation was the correct choice for me. Immediately after d-day I did not feel man enough, I see there I was wrong. I don't blame myself for her affair, that is on her to own. As for not discovering the affair, I admit I feel like an idiot. I was ignorant about affairs until I found TAM. I then had to bring myself up to speed with regard to infidelity. I learned quickly and she soon confessed. But I still feel like an idiot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

workindad said:


> From my perspective learning new tools to help you manage your response to anger sounds like a good opportunity for growth. As long as you keep it in perspective. This is anger management not anger prevention
> 
> Is your response when you are angry inappropriate? If yes then definitely go.
> 
> ...



Thank you, yes I will go. I do feel the anger is inappropriate at times. Accepting this anger will most likely prove to be difficult, but if I can grow more I see no reason why I won't be able to accept it. I just need coping skills to respond appropriately to the anger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> One more thing...When you are ready please do tell us your whole story...it would help the rest of us more fully understand your anger...but only when you are ready to tell it all.




I will tell my full story when I feel ready, but its not at this time. Thanks again truthseeker1!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

D, I didn't offer the gift of R when I found out my ex was a serial cheater. There are some bright lines in me and I know myself well enough to know what I could accept and what I could not. We had other issues besides his infidelity that thoroughly killed the marriage, so maybe I lack the perspective to really comment on this.

Having said that, I'm still going to offer my two cents. I don't believe your anger is directed at your wife, I honestly see this as anger you have towards yourself. Maybe it was the A and choosing to R, heck I don't know. I do know that your kind of anger can quick dissolve into depression, so please, please take care of yourself. Yet another reason to try the anger management classes.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Xenote said:


> What there ever any recourse with the other man, did you confront him or did you expose him to his family?




I confronted OM twice, both times he was like a dog with his head down and tail between his legs. I exposed him to his wife, I gave her all the details I had. Since my wife and OM worked together I then made it very difficult for him to stay there, and within three months he quit. He is still not working to this day. Although he did try to work for another company, I guess that didn't work out though. I know he is miserable in his marriage and its unsure if they will remain married. I heard of this through a mutual friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I agree it's worth a try. I'm curious - are you still in MC? You mention rage in IC - do you experience rage in MC? I'm wondering if the MC is authentic if you aren't expressing those emotions there, too.




We actually stopped MC in May of this year. Our MC was awesome and helped a great deal, but before we can continue with the issues of the marriage we need to fix ourselves. So we will resume MC when we have healed more individually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Locke.Stratos said:


> There are so many aspects to a prolonged affair, and it takes time to absorb and process them all, as well as time to sort through, process, understand and express the emotions that you're feeling. There may be a delayed reaction in experiencing and expressing some emotions and a resurgence of others. Your anger is totally normal.
> 
> Make no mistake, an affair is totally f***** up and it's okay and normal for you to feel the way that you do.
> 
> ...




Outside of the marriage the affair was exposed to my sister, wife's cousin and OMW, AP, and our therapists. I swear you know me!! You are writing what I feel word for word. I will need some time to answer this better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

6301 said:


> Are you sure that you want to stay in the marriage? If your anger is getting the best of you and your wife as you say is doing all she can to make up for it, then your gut instinct is telling you that you can't get over the affair she had but also the way she treated you.
> 
> Your the only one that can make that choice. It's not like you haven't been trying so if you feel that you can't continue then maybe you should either separate or file for divorce. I wish you luck.




I sometimes feel inadequate because I can't control my anger. When I learn coping skills and practice using these skills in my life I believe I can accept the anger. Currently when I get angry it's like a short circuit and all rational thinking escapes me. I can't allow this to continue. When I get over this hurdle I will examine my situation again. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> D, I didn't offer the gift of R when I found out my ex was a serial cheater. There are some bright lines in me and I know myself well enough to know what I could accept and what I could not. We had other issues besides his infidelity that thoroughly killed the marriage, so maybe I lack the perspective to really comment on this.
> 
> Having said that, I'm still going to offer my two cents. I don't believe your anger is directed at your wife, I honestly see this as anger you have towards yourself. Maybe it was the A and choosing to R, heck I don't know. I do know that your kind of anger can quick dissolve into depression, so please, please take care of yourself. Yet another reason to try the anger management classes.



You are very intelligent, it did in fact kick the depression into overdrive. This was noticed by my IC almost immediately and my medications increased. I was on 75mg and now at 150mg. So you are very correct on that. And yes I will go to anger management. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Going to anger management counseling certainly can't hurt.

But even without knowing your full story, I'll speculate on a couple of things.

First, your anger is rightful. If it's excessive, perhaps that just how you're wired to react emotionally. While some BS's feel more devastation/depression - you feel more anger.

However, no matter what kind of negative emotions that you feel after her A; how you handled it, may have a huge bearing on why you're having continuing problems.

- Did you rugsweep the A?

- Did you accept anything less from her other than demonstrating unconditional remorse?

- Did you deliver and she accept consequences for her actions? Ex. exposure, new boundaries, and transparency. 

- Did you decide to R too quickly? - giving yourself enough time to process your feelings; and her enough time to understand how it feels to lose her husband for cheating.

You should share your story.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

drifting on said:


> I have never told my complete story, I personally don't think I'm ready at the moment, I am still in the healing process. My wife had a six month EA/PA with her coworker. It began in the summer, mid June 2010 through January 2011. My d-day was January 20, 2014. I have been in both MC and IC, and they have helped. In July I noticed my anger and rage returning and sitting just below the surface. I would snap at my IC and wife rather easily. My IC began working on my anger and why it was returning, and we have found out why.
> 
> I have been angry as this is the time my wife was in her affair full force five years ago. I have noticed this affecting my work, and obviously my home life. My IC has suggested that I go to anger management classes, so has my primary physician. I'm reluctant to go thinking this should go away in time. But I've been so wrong with decisions until I found TAM I thought I would ask all of you. Many of you provided me help in so many other threads, that I trust your opinions and advice. This coming from a person who has trust issues. So my questions are should I go to anger management classes? Has anyone gone to anger management classes and what should I expect?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





drifting on said:


> SunnyT
> 
> Thank you, I have been unsure if this is something I need to do but I guess the answer is obvious. I could always control my anger like a light switch, and now I feel as if the switch is gone, no control over this emotion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





drifting on said:


> When I get angry I usually re-arrange the garage, meaning I throw everything I can from one side to the other. I will yell and scream, but I have stopped punching walls and doors. I have not taken my anger out on a person, but I have come close on several occasions. My wife would try to talk me through but at my request, I asked her to stop. I have actually made a fist and came very close to hitting her. Before all of this I couldn't even form a thought to hit her. So I am going to go and hopefully learn to cope much better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


drifting on,

I had a good friend in college who was a really sweet guy and fun to hang out with most of the time. But he also had a serious anger problem that manifested itself physically (yelling, screaming, throwing things, breaking things, punching holes in walls, etc.), although he never hurt anyone when he was angry.

The year after he graduated, his long-time girl friend broke up with him. A few months later, we had lunch and he assured me that he was over her. A few months after that, he got drunk one night and climbed through her bedroom window with an ax. He has been serving a life-without-parole sentence in a state penitentiary for the past 45 years.

I know, you would never do anything like that. Nevertheless . . .

Get help.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Going to anger management counseling certainly can't hurt.
> 
> But even without knowing your full story, I'll speculate on a couple of things.
> 
> ...




I waited six months before making the decision to reconcile. Rug sweeping? Not a chance, we have discussed every single part of her affair. I am moving slowly through reconciliation so that all is discussed and worked through. Last year at this time I was in rage, but that was the cycle, so I didn't notice until this year that rage returned. I am going to do the anger management, it will only help. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> drifting on,
> 
> I had a good friend in college who was a really sweet guy and fun to hang out with most of the time. But he also had a serious anger problem that manifested itself physically (yelling, screaming, throwing things, breaking things, punching holes in walls, etc.), although he never hurt anyone when he was angry.
> 
> ...




I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but you did describe me pretty well in your story. I was very reserved, humorous to those I knew well, and very easy going. Do I plan on picking up an axe, no, am I still very hurt by her affair, yes. Prison would not do me well, I would be in solitary which would only delay the inmates a week to kill me. I won't be allowed in general population. Before the affair I honestly had no desire to harm anyone, I can't say that anymore as I do wish to inflict harm on the OM. This doesn't mean I'm going to drive to his house and do anything, but all bets are off if turn a corner and he's standing there.

I appreciate you telling me of your friend, I sincerely do, and I will go to anger management. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Ohh sorry you are here. Didnt know you have problems in your M. Was "following" and reading your comments and they are good,you are always there to help someone.

You can "reduce" your anger by talking with your wife. Seeing your R is going fine she will be able to listen to you,be there for you when you open your heart to her. Also if she is raising her voice when you got angry about the past then you are in trouble.

Also talking to therapist or your priest (not sure about this one,I am not into religion) can help a lot. 

One more thing-think about talking with your family or her family about the past. You told your sister about it but she is cheater just like you wife. 

I think talking about her affair with your family and her family will help you a lot.They will be able to understand your pain and maybe give both of you a good advice.

This time you need to help yourself,not your marriage or your wife. If you dont deal with anger issues I am affraid of your actions (sucidal). Also you need to go back to M counseling. 

You said you did forgive your wife,which is good but you will never forget,so both of you need to work together and help each other.

Best wishes to you my friend.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Be smart said:


> Ohh sorry you are here. Didnt know you have problems in your M. Was "following" and reading your comments and they are good,you are always there to help someone.
> 
> You can "reduce" your anger by talking with your wife. Seeing your R is going fine she will be able to listen to you,be there for you when you open your heart to her. Also if she is raising her voice when you got angry about the past then you are in trouble.
> 
> ...




Be smart, 

First let me thank you for the kind words, I am flattered by what you have written. I don't normally consider my posts as good, I just try to explain what I have felt in my journey. I try to support and help related to my own pain. If it helps someone I think that's great, many many posters who have tried to help someone unknowingly helped me. I am grateful to these posters, after all infidelity is a very difficult topic to talk about. 

As for exposing to more family, I'm almost afraid to, I mean I don't want to know if my parents have cheated. Nor do I really want to know if anyone in her family has cheated. Yes, I told my sister and she told me her story, but she also treated my wife differently. In my mind that was wrong, my sister cheated for fourteen years!!! How could she seriously be upset if my wife cheated. I guess I just don't get infidelity all that well. 

I promise to you Be smart, I may still be angry but I'm trying my best to manage this. I have my primary physician, IC, and a coworker all watching over me. I also have my wife, yes my wife, to watch over me at home. I see I am blessed. I went to IC last night, we had a pretty good session, one that we both got a little fired up in. That happens when you hit on something that hurts, when that truth is shown upon in light and no longer buried. My IC is one tough lady. I told her I would go to anger management, she handed me a piece of paper, then she said, "I know, I scheduled it for you". So I start Thursday night. 

When my wife and I talk we don't yell, we communicate now, when it gets to be non productive we stop. We pick up the next night and again communicate. My anger is related to multiple things, my wife and I schedule out talks in advance, we stop when overwhelmed or angry, we resume the following night. This has worked well for us, so we are sticking to this. 

Be smart I have admired many of your posts here, I look forward to reading many more. Thank you for your insight, your kind words, and for taking the time to help someone you don't know. My IC said last night that I am a giver, my wife is a taker, and that we need to even out that playing field. I have been told by coworkers I help to a fault, they are correct, but my mother would be mad at me for not helping a child or abuse victim. So I take those personal and help to a fault. 

Thank you again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

drifting on said:


> I have never told my complete story, I personally don't think I'm ready at the moment, I am still in the healing process. My wife had a six month EA/PA with her coworker. It began in the summer, mid June 2010 through January 2011. My d-day was January 20, 2014. I have been in both MC and IC, and they have helped. In July I noticed my anger and rage returning and sitting just below the surface. I would snap at my IC and wife rather easily. My IC began working on my anger and why it was returning, and we have found out why.
> 
> I have been angry as this is the time my wife was in her affair full force five years ago. I have noticed this affecting my work, and obviously my home life. My IC has suggested that I go to anger management classes, so has my primary physician. I'm reluctant to go thinking this should go away in time. But I've been so wrong with decisions until I found TAM I thought I would ask all of you. Many of you provided me help in so many other threads, that I trust your opinions and advice. This coming from a person who has trust issues. So my questions are should I go to anger management classes? Has anyone gone to anger management classes and what should I expect?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


GO!

All the guys there are court ordered. ( I was not)

The counselor was great. You can tell.... the guys in week 5 and 6 stuck up for the counselor when the guys giving him additude that were in their 1st week.

All walks of life...construction guys, fire fighter, business owners, and a few punks here and there ( in my group we didn't take kindly to punks)

That counselor gave me a lot of tools...if you listen...most did, but others just did their time (the punks).

In my case, my anger was a progression that I choose to take control over before I ended up back inside.

I did 52 weeks and over ten years later I still use the tools that were taught to me so long ago.


In short, there are some very pissed off people walking around.....you don't have to be one of them.

There was a work sheet I had for homework "when should I get angry"....It changed my life!


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Exposure is primarily to break up the affair. Less exciting when people know. That would not be helpful at this stage. 

You did expose to OMW, and, wow, really knocked him down. (For the record, I've never met your wife, I swear.:grin2

If you need to confide in someone, you aren't obligated to keep her secrets, but exposing far and wide now would be punitive. 

A lot of my anger comes from ruminating, obsessive thoughts. CBT techniques really help with that. Albert Ellis' book "A Guide to Rational Living" is worth a read. Don't use it to avoid dealing with your pain and anger, use it to stop feeding it. 

Best to you, I find your posts insightful.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> D, I didn't offer the gift of R when I found out my ex was a serial cheater. There are some bright lines in me and I know myself well enough to know what I could accept and what I could not. We had other issues besides his infidelity that thoroughly killed the marriage, so maybe I lack the perspective to really comment on this.
> 
> Having said that, I'm still going to offer my two cents. I don't believe your anger is directed at your wife, I honestly see this as anger you have towards yourself. Maybe it was the A and choosing to R, heck I don't know. I do know that your kind of anger can quick dissolve into depression, so please, please take care of yourself. Yet another reason to try the anger management classes.


Of course you are fvcking angry Who the fvck would not be? 

:iagree:


DO I agree this is exactly the point of my questions about being angry at yourself.

Anger with oneself is sooooh conflicting and hard to reconcile.

Cure yourself .....= cure your anger.

55


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

the guy said:


> GO!
> 
> All the guys there are court ordered. ( I was not)
> 
> ...




Thank you brother, I have my first session tomorrow night, I'm actually looking forward to it. I can now honestly say I'm tired of living angry and need coping skills to avoid feeding that anger. Your post, as well as all the others, has given me hope that I can cope better with my anger. Thank you for sharing your story with anger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Thank you brother, *I have my first session tomorrow night,* I'm actually looking forward to it. I can now honestly say I'm tired of living angry and need coping skills to avoid feeding that anger. Your post, as well as all the others, has given me hope that I can cope better with my anger. Thank you for sharing your story with anger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great to hear!!! Keep taking care of you - your journey is not over!!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Vulcan2013 said:


> Exposure is primarily to break up the affair. Less exciting when people know. That would not be helpful at this stage.
> 
> You did expose to OMW, and, wow, really knocked him down. (For the record, I've never met your wife, I swear.:grin2
> 
> ...




Vulcan2013

Thank you for the kind words, I also find your posts to be insightful. My IC has helped me to figure out I tend to dwell on things and then become consumed with anger. The fact that the anger consumes me shows I need coping skills with anger. I appreciate your recommendation and I will get the book. Thank you.


ETA; are you sure you haven't met my wife!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Of course you are fvcking angry Who the fvck would not be?
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> ...




Thank you 55, I think you are correct that I am angry with myself. I hope to continue healing to find peace and happiness in the future. By the way, how is your situation going when you exposed your family member go cheating? Your niece and nephew if I remember correctly. I remember you we're worried about your wife's reaction. I hope this has gone well for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Great to hear!!! Keep taking care of you - your journey is not over!!




Thank you Truthseeker1, while my journey isn't over I need to intensify my healing process also. If it requires anger management then so be it, I will be an intense student to learn all I can. After all, this is for my well being and my happiness. Thank you for your continued support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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