# My wife does not talk during sex



## Kingrat (Nov 6, 2010)

I'm new here. I've been in a journey of discovery and learning about marriage for the past 2 years. I have been working diligently on doing the things that are required for a long lasting marriage (too long to detail here)

My dilema at this point is that my wife does not appear to engage with me during sex. I know she reaches orgasm but she does not talk at all nor does she feel present at times.

Is she thinking about other man? is she fantasizing?

I want to feel a deeper connection during our most intimate time together. The reaction that I'm getting does not meet my need for a connection with my woman.

I have spoken about it with her and she complains that I want her to act like a porn start, which is not true at all.

Any suggestions our thoughts?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Women close their eyes and close their mouths when they are having sex.

It is our nature. 

They are enjoying when the show is going........................

They get distracted by lights and sounds..................

Moaning helps a man get excited, so they moan.......................

Talking dirty needs time................encouragement and encouragement..........................means you talk dirty first...........................

If they do fantasize, they are only trying to help themselves achieve orgasm faster........................


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

interesting that you mentioned that 'porn star' because that is the clue that something occurred with/to her that makes her feel that the intimacy of sex is or can get really dirty (in a bad, not so feeling good way). ask her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Neither my W or I talk-we're too busy with heavy breathing to get a word in edgewise!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

The most talking we do is usually 'I love you' or an 'oh, sh*t' from me when I realize I've just dug my nails into his back halfway to his chest...lol. 

Seriously, dirty talk, I think, is not a big deal. I mean, if he's so oblivious that he can't tell I'm enjoying it from the fact that my eyes have rolled so far back I literally have eyes in the back of my head, the way I keep pulling him closer to me, and the fact that I jump him every chance I get, then I don't think saying "f**k me harder" is really going to change anything. Not to mention that, for me anyway, if I have to try to think up something dirty to say, that's going to take me out of the moment and then I will kind of disconnect and *that* he will notice, and not be too happy about. 

Eyes closed could simply be that she is enjoying herself so much she can't even keep her eyes open. 

I think you're overthinking it and worrying about something that isn't really something to be worried about. Enjoy sex with your wife. If you really want dirty talk, start making some yourself and see if she joins in. It might be that she's not sure what to say, or afraid she'll get too dirty. If you start, that'll show her what you want, and how dirty you want it, and give her some ideas of what she might be able to say to you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

atruckersgirl said:


> Seriously, dirty talk, I think, is not a big deal. I mean, if he's so oblivious that he can't tell I'm enjoying it from the fact that my eyes have rolled so far back I literally have eyes in the back of my head, the way I keep pulling him closer to me, and the fact that I jump him every chance I get, then I don't think saying "f**k me harder" is really going to change anything. Not to mention that, for me anyway, if I have to try to think up something dirty to say, that's going to take me out of the moment and then I will kind of disconnect and *that* he will notice, and not be too happy about.


 I am really enjoying some of these replies, sometimes I have wanted my husband to be more verbal during love making, but as atruckersgirl so elequently explained, it really isn't necessary at all !! Flirting outside of the bedroom is more where it is at. 

I think the original poster has concerns she is "not present" though. I think that is where he is coming from --if his wife acted as atruckersgirl described, he would not be questioning where her head is at.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Who talks during sex? I am too busy screaming or having my mouth do other things. I think sex is the only time I shut up.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Doesn't mean she is not enjoying sex with you and feel connected to you. I need to concentrate on what I am feeling during sex, so I close my eyes. If I don't focus, my mind drifts and I cannot orgasm. If I have to concentrate on putting on a show, it's the show or and orgasm for me, I'd rather have an orgasm. 

I do make noises, and moan but that is about it. It's spontaneous noises and moans. Does she moan? Sometimes that's all that you can expect. Talking may not come naturally for her and it may take away from her enjoyment of sex. Did you ask her about talking? Tell her what you would you like her to say, she may like it and get accustomed to doing it.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

I think since you guys are married its imporant to share with her what would be important to you...since you are the verbal type who needs some type of verbal play during sex, just express it to her, maybe outside the bedroom mention to her that it would make you really happy if the next time she would say such and such, or the next time during sex you could say something similar to what you'd like her to say to show her what you like


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I believe that SOME people emphasize more theatrical elements in sex while others tend to be more reserved. My husband is a prime example of someone that doesn't engage but in his case it's because the pressure of sex gives him the jitters and he is concentrating so hard on being perfect during the act that he doesn't seem to be there either. It's hard to make an emotional connection with someone that's ironically distracted by performing well for you functionally because they often overlook the emotional connection part or they themselves feel disconnected with sex in general. 
I have noticed that the sex partners that are more theatrical are the ones that have a solid understanding and are in touch with their sexual identity as a lover. Personally it took me a very long time to form a bed character when it comes to erotic performance type sex (much like porn stars). It's possible your wife has never given any thought about just who she is naked & in the sack - I agree with others, she could just be indulging in it mentally. 
You could always have a very delicate conversation with her or go the "show" route and suggest some easy role-playing games to help he let loose and get a little wild. If you go the conversation route - tell her that sometimes it's hard to tell if she's into sex with you and ask her if everything is ok with her comfort in your sex life. Be compassionate so you don't come off as being critical and tell her you would really get hot if she was a little more vocal & wild because you would know that you're pleasing her! 
PS - wine tends to loosen up my husband when we're getting it on and slowly he is improving as he is gaining confidence that I am happy with his performances so offer your wife some feedback and compliments on how great she is in bed - she may not know and it could have a great effect!  good luck!


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi kingrat

I'm new here. I've been in a journey of discovery and learning about marriage for the past 2 years. I have been working diligently on doing the things that are required for a long lasting marriage (too long to detail here)

My dilema at this point is that my wife does not appear to engage with me during sex. I know she reaches orgasm but she does not talk at all nor does she feel present at times.

Is she thinking about other man? is she fantasizing?

Judith: If she has had past trauma-she will more than likely be unable to be present. like abuse-that doesn't enable a person to be present with the spouse if something is triggered. IF she hasn't said anything you need to ask

talk about sex outside of sex is very important

I want to feel a deeper connection during our most intimate time together. The reaction that I'm getting does not meet my need for a connection with my woman.
I have spoken about it with her and she complains that I want her to act like a porn start, which is not true at all.

Judith: Do you watch porn at all? 

It is important that you do nonsexual affection as well as sexual-she needs that as a woman 

Any suggestions our thoughts? 

Judith


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## savevsdeath (Nov 9, 2010)

Im not much of a talker during sex either; im usually too busy enjoying it. I've actually had women comment that they thought it was weird, and for a while with one girlfriend i tried to be more vocal, talk dirty, etc. but it just sounded forced and lame and i found myself concentrating more on what i was going to say than on enjoying myself and pleasing her.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't do the dirty talk thing because it makes me feel like a *****. So I just concentrate on giving him what he wants instead and it seems to work out just fine. Besides, if I said anything dirty not only would I feel crappy, I would not be able to stop laughing


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I love to watch him and we like to talk to each other during sex. Read the Marriage & Sex books by David Schnarch, where he counsels couples to spice up their sex life by keeping the emotional connection. He also suggests eyes-open sex and eyes-open orgasm (I haven't the nerve to try that yet). The best sex requires 2 differentiated (ie not co-dependent) people who are strong enough in themselves to enjoy each other fully and be fully intimate. There is no need to focus on technique when you are following the connection, and really f***ing, as he puts it. 

The way I got my H to start talking is by asking him questions, like "do you like this?", or when I did something he really liked I'd say, "I know you like it when I...", and when he is close to climaxing I will say something and that just sends him over the edge. Just start easy with it, and let it evolve. That's what worked for us.

The way I got him to open his eyes more is by making that request outside the bedroom, and encouraging more daytime sex.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi kingrat

I wonder if this will help. 

First, decide what exactly you would like her to do to increase your satisfaction and feeling of connectedness. When you know what it is, then you have to take the long view because you can help her to be more responsive but it may take time. 

Encourage her but don't tell her what to do - lets say you want her to look in your eyes, instead of saying "open your eyes", you can stop in the middle of sex and gaze lovingly at her and say "I would love to see your beautiful - brown, blue or green - eyes I alway enjoy looking at them". Always make it about her, something special about her, - you want to hear HER voice or you love when SHE makes that sound etc. Don't give her a script from a porn video. 

Approach it from a fun place not serous and dissatisfied ( not saying you are but just to be careful). 

I'll just explain the porn thing from one woman's point of view. I don't like porn, I don't interfere with my husband looking at it, I consider it his business, he has to have his private things. The reason I don't like porn is because it is geared for the pleasure of men only and the porn actress is a prop. 

Not saying this is you but this may be related to what she is talking about. Ask her for details when she says that - don't deny it but give her space to talk about it and try not to jump in and fix it. Just say you understand, even if you don't really, but making an effort counts for understanding so you are not telling a lie. Leave things open for her to express herself don't think she is saying no. 

Just the act of letting her talk and you listening without offering a solution or explanation, may help to set up a dialog and may allow you to eventually clear up misunderstandings. 

Make it about her and try to draw her out to see what would please her. I wish you the very best of luck, you sound like such a caring husband and I hope she recognizes that and makes an effort to meet you halfway.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

I don't talk during sex either and would find it distracting for my partner to do so. I also never wanted to listen to music or have the TV during the act. I want to concentrate fully on the moment. Extraneous noise (even talking), bugs me. Silence during sex does not equate into disinterest, believe me. The types of ridiculous moaning and groaning in porn movies is just that... a movie.


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

well here is the thing...some men are very turned off by a woman talking during sex. although there is a big difference between talking to be talking and dirty talk...either way some men don't like it. here's another thing though, are you talking? you start it, say something dirty to her, start slowly tho so she doesn't get offended, see if she takes the bait. personally i don't see the problem with a woman acting like a pornstar within her own marriage, the better the sex the better the marriage in most cases.


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