# How to tell partner they are bad in bed?



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

My wife was able to be intimate last night with me with some light candles and no clothing on. My question is after we talked and she said she wants to try new things but then when we are intimate she is always very quiet and just kind of lays there. I don’t want to insult her and tell her sometimes I am bored. I have told her I would like to try new things also but we never do. I don’t want to push her too far since we were able to get undressed together last night.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Have you asked her if she’s having orgasms (outside of the bedroom context)?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It doesn't sound (from all of your threads) like she is ever going to be someone who does anything other than kind of laying there passively. This is probably how she is.

Did you have sex with others before marriage? What was that like?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> My wife was able to be intimate last night with me with some light candles and no clothing on. My question is after we talked and she said she wants to try new things but then when we are intimate she is always very quiet and just kind of lays there. I don’t want to insult her and tell her sometimes I am bored. I have told her I would like to try new things also but we never do. I don’t want to push her too far since we were able to get undressed together last night.


Sounds to me like you're making progress. Just stay on it and be (somewhat) patient. Any progress is good. No progress is bad.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't unless you want Rosy to be your best friend for the rest of your marriage. 


CN2622 said:


> I have told her I would like to try new things also but we never do


Why is this automatically her fault? 

Look, you married a woman who is not very sexually experienced and suddenly you want her to try this, wear that, act like this and so on. Maybe, you're the one who's got no game.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You don't unless you want Rosy to be your best friend for the rest of your marriage.


I had to look up Rosy...  I agree with the others. OP, take it easy and be patient. What you have described was unthinkable a few days ago.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> My wife was able to be intimate last night with me with some light candles and no clothing on. My question is after we talked and she said she wants to try new things but then when we are intimate she is always very quiet and just kind of lays there. I don’t want to insult her and tell her sometimes I am bored. I have told her I would like to try new things also but we never do. I don’t want to push her too far since we were able to get undressed together last night.


You need to see that encounter as a HUGE success, and be very excited that you got what you told her you wanted with that. If you start pressuring her for "something else", or give her the idea that her getting out of her comfort zone for you wasn't good enough, she will start to think she can never please you and shut down. Then you will never get what you want.

It looks like you may have a rare treasure there - a partner who is actually willing to engage with you about what you want sexually and meet your needs -- don't ruin it by constantly needing "MORE"...take BABY STEPS. Let her get comfortable with having her clothes off, and then she will (hopefully) feel more excited about trying other things you want.

And never ever use the words "I am bored" with your partner, unless you want your sex life to disappear.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You may be bored now but that’s nothing to how bored you’ll be when you tell her and she shuts up shop.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You don't unless you want Rosy to be your best friend for the rest of your marriage.
> 
> Why is this automatically her fault?
> 
> Look, you married a woman who is not very sexually experienced and suddenly you want her to try this, wear that, act like this and so on. Maybe, you're the one who's got no game.


He doesn't. OP, you should take a step back and objectively see yourself.

Your wife is at least working with you which speaks volumes about her quality.

You seem very frustrated and unsatisfied despite her expanding her horizons with you.

I can't remember but are you her first partner? Is she yours?

What are you comparing her to?

I borderline want to give you some "tough love" in the ring for your attitude.

I'm really trying to phrase this right because it can easily be misconstrued but you need to stop putting so much if this on her and accept that you are just as much part of this dynamic as she is.

If you want more you need to be more. I have some experience and people are different.

Some are very naturally aggressive, playful, confident, etc. while others struggle with everything and are shy.

Your wife seems inexperienced and shy with low sexual confidence and you definitely lack confidence and aggressiveness.

You really need to appreciate the moment when you're in sex with your wife and stop the bizarre frustration going on inside your head so you two can enjoy and you will get better the more you are together.

I'm not trying to be a jerk (though I probably can't help it) but can you get out of your head for a moment and consider that a big part of the "boring" sex is you?

I've been with less confident, less experienced and shy ladies. We still had a good time because I was part of the equation and I brought confidence, playfulness and good sexual aggression to the table.

Focus a lot more on what you are bringing and quit putting so much of the responsibility on your wife.

A different man would have her reduced to a toe curled, protoplasmic mess that was so caught up in erotic passion she wouldn't have time to be shy or insecure.

This is on you buddy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> He doesn't. OP, you should take a step back and objectively see yourself.
> 
> Your wife is at least working with you which speaks volumes about her quality.
> 
> ...


I'm not so sure it's all on him. How many guys do we have posting here who (claim to be sexually experienced) who only get starfish sex from their wives? 

Some women will never do anything but just passively lay there. Some women really don't want to be sexual beings.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I'm not so sure it's all on him. How many guys do we have posting here who (claim to be sexually experienced) who only get starfish sex from their wives?
> 
> Some women will never do anything but just passively lay there. Some women really don't want to be sexual beings.


This woman is trying and the OP is so far at the other end of the erotic pendulum that he hasn't even heard of Casanova.

P.S. my worst sexual experience was with an aggressive woman that took the initiative.

Shyness and lack of confidence issues have never been a problem.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

How to tell partner they are bad in bed?!!
That is your title!

You've just progressed to naked by candlelight.
This seems to be progress in the right direction.
Why would you now want to tell them that they are bad in bed?!
Surely you praised her progress?

So, you both want to try new things.
But nothing happens.
Why don't they happen.
Because you don't want to push her.
What happens when you coax her or direct her during sex? Does she respond to your lead?
Do you lead? 

Your wife isn't going to lead you towards the new experiences you talk about together.
Are any of these new sexual things you crave, based on her leading or taking charge in any way?

If step one was naked by candlelight 
Step two might be massage by candlelight 
Step three bathing together by candlelight.
Etc.
Baby steps as confidence is gained, hopefully.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Here is kind of a fundamental question for you - Are YOU wanting to DO something? Or are you wanting HER to BE something?

Those are two completely different concepts. 

The trouble here is both of you are very naive, very inhibited and both very PASSIVE and very afraid to upset, disappoint or make the other uncomfortable. 

If you are wanting to DO something, you are spending too much time talking and not enough doing. She is very naive, inhibited and passive, so you really aren't going to get anywhere asking her what she wants. She will say she doesn't know and she wouldn't have the giblets to tell you even if she did. 

Regardless of what the self help books and Oprah and Dr Phil say, you really aren't going to make any major breakthroughs in asking her if she would be willing to try this or that or the other while she is in a completely unaroused and nonstimulated state. 

If you ask her if she'd like to try doing a Kentucky Jelly Squeezer sometime while she is scrubbing the mold out of the bathroom baseboards, she is going to say no or will just roll her eyes and shake her head and give a grunt in disgust that you are talking about Kentucky Jelly Squeezers while she is trying to stop the mold in the bathroom. 

You have to learn and develop an art of seduction and arousal and stimulation and guide her actions through your own actions in the moment. 

In other words you need to be holding each other, touching each other, kissing, making out, expressing your love, desire and appreciation and growing her level of arousal and receptivity and then slowly and incrementally working your way into doing the Kentucky Jelly Squeezer. 

If during that slow build up and progress to the KJS she shows receptivity and enjoyment to it, you keep making slow increments towards that. If she starts squirming away, showing resistance or says to stop - then stop and shift towards something else. 

But the bottom line here is you need to lead and guide and see if she follows. 

She's very naive, passive and inhibited, she is not going to take over and lead. That is simply not in her nomenclature and probably never will be. 

to be continued......


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Ok who else googled “Kentucky Jelly Squeezer” to try it later tonight and was disappointed?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Ok who else googled “Kentucky Jelly Squeezer” to try it later tonight and was disappointed?


I'm not old enough to look at some things....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> She's very naive, passive and inhibited, she is not going to take over and lead. That is simply not in her nomenclature and probably never will be.
> 
> to be continued......


Now on the other hand, if you are wanting HER to BE something else - now we've got big problems. 
You're not going to be able to transform her into a wild, uninhibited, sexually aggressive, Swedish Porn Star. At least not for a long, long time. 

You HAVE made progress. But to go from uptight, inhibited, passive catholic girl to Swedish Porn Star is a HHYYYUUUGGE spread. You can't get a bulldog and expect to bring home the winner's cup from the dog races. 

She is trying. More importantly she is willing to try. She has made progress. 

But you need to be realistic here. 

Me suspects that you were a very timid, passive, sexually inexperienced "Nice Guy" that is very concerned with making anyone uncomfortable but since you had concerns with your own sexual confidence and abilities, you sought out a girl that was more inexperienced, naive, inhibited and passive than you to protect your ego and assuage your fear of her dumping you for sexual inexperience..... and you thought you could obtain said girl and then try to get her to turn into the Swedish Porn Star. 

Can she change and become less inhibited and passive over time? Yeah sure, and she HAS made progress. But you can't plant a tree seed in the spring and expect it to shade your whole house from the summer sun that summer. It just doesn't work that way. 

So to wrap this together, if YOU are wanting to DO things sexually with her, you need to bump up your game and roll up your sleeves and take a big breath and come up with more seduction and arousal and initiative and assertiveness on your end and see if she goes for it....it sounds like she is at least conceptually game for trying some different things and that is a GOOD sign. 

But, if you are wanting HER to BE something different,,,, that's a whole different ballgame. At best, she may become a little less inhibited and show a little more initiate over a long period of time. At worst, you simply married the wrong person and are barking up the wrong tree. 

And if you even hint or imply that she is "bad in bed" She will snap back into her shell and clamp up like a box turtle and you will never see or touch her naked again.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Ok who else googled “Kentucky Jelly Squeezer” to try it later tonight and was disappointed?


Still trying to figure out what it is. Is it an enema in preparation for anal sex?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Still trying to figure out what it is. Is it an enema in preparation for anal sex?


Dunno, the name was interesting but all that came up was KY jelly. I don’t have any of that but I have Astroglide.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Still trying to figure out what it is. Is it an enema in preparation for anal sex?


Nah, it's just something I made up to make a point. 

Maybe we should all put our brains (and kinks and fetishes) together and come up with something LOL


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

@oldshirt you may have something with the KJS.. and it all started here 😃

OP I think you have made great progress so far and need to look at her even doing what she did as a huge step in the right direction. IMHO I think you should praise her instead of saying that she was 'bad.' Which is how she will take it. I think the real key here is to make her feel very comfortable and safe with you. A woman who hides in the dark for sex and doesn't do much needs the reassurance, A LOT OF IT to get to the place you want her to be. Make her feel that you see her as perfect, beautiful and enough... say it a lot. Do not just make it about the sex...make it instead about how much admire her.. how she is the perfect "her" in your eyes.. and 'in the moment' how much you like what she is doing. Encouragement in this case will get you far. Good luck


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> Sounds to me like you're making progress. Just stay on it and be (somewhat) patient. Any progress is good. No progress is bad.


One step at a time. If you rush things you will make it worse. Be thankful about the progress made and be patient.
If you tell her you are bored or that she is bad in bed be prepared to never have sex again.
Be loving and encouraging at what for her was a massive step.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You never tell your partner they are bad in bed. 

Here is my question... what do you want to do/try? And do not answer me what you want your wife to do. I’m asking specifically what YOU want to try.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

If she’s so insecure about being looked at and her body you could try wearing a blindfold. Maybe she could relax that way and let herself go.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

When you asked her what kind of things she wants to try what does she say?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If your “asking” her to try things then you may have the wrong approach all together. My wife would rather do things than be asked about doing them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sounds like he wants her to just not lay there like a limp noodle. 

I mean, I was probably more active just kissing my first boyfriend in the 1980s in the woods behind a friend's house in ninth grade.... kissing him, running my fingers through his hair, grabbing his ass, kissing his neck...

If she's even a wet noodle during SEX that's her sexual personality, and I'm not sure anything much is going to change that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Inexperienced does not mean no sex drive or dead fishy behaviour lol, I can guarantee that!

As for telling her how she's bad in bed, you don't, instead you tell her what you like in bed and if she is willing to make the effort she'll do so. If she doesn't make the effort though, you tell her you are not happy with your sex life and what needs to improve.

See? Its not what you say its how you say it


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You'd probably get better answers if you stopped creating a dozen threads. Some people won't know that just a few weeks ago she didn't feel comfortable being naked for sex.

She's bad? I'm sure she is. She is making progress. You want to tell her she is bad. I hope she reciprocates. Reading your threads I doubt she has yet to orgasm. 

Conan right about part of this being you. If she felt loved and wanted and was getting orgasms she'd be more uninhibited. It's just the nature of the thing. Sure she's bad too. She is trying though to please you. What are you doing to please her? We've heard how you want no clothes, you want to look at her, you want her to wear crotchless panties or such. But what does she want? what progress have you made? Are you really good at sticking it in? I mean really what do you do? How are you revving her engine up?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It seems like you both are too passive and want the other one to make moves.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

A few things to consider:

1.Are you sure she is passive and a bit prudish when it comes to sex, or is she just that way with you? A lot of guys have discovered that their wives were a whole lot more adventurous and passionate with previous lovers.

2. As others have pointed out here, stop "asking" or pleading for stuff. Sop talking and start doing. 

3. Figure out what turns her on --explore fantasies. Read some erotic fiction together, or watch some (tasteful) dirty movies together. Sex it up. Don't let the wife say "oh I'm not into that stuff" --baloney: just about every woman I've ever encountered loves erotic fiction, and most like erotic moves. Many like outright porn.

Start casually asking questions and diplomatically exploring some of this stuff. And stop being scared to get into these topics. There is nothing to hide: everyone here likes sex, and it is great when it is with someone we love.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> When you asked her what kind of things she wants to try what does she say?


I can answer that. I’d bet the farm she has said -


I don’t know.
what do you want to try?
I’m not sure.
-didn’t we already talk about this?

what do you mean?
what else is there?
-I don’t know.
-I don’t know.
-I don’t know. 
-I don’t know.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I can answer that. I’d bet the farm she has said -
> 
> 
> I don’t know.
> ...


Well honey what exactly do you mean when you say you want to try new things?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Grace knows.😉


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Grace knows.😉


Now that is a great Bond movie.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> Now that is a great Bond movie.


Not a Bond movie. 

The movie you are thinking of is “A View To A Kill” where she and Christopher Walken engage in some foreplay by duking it out with some Tae Kwon Do on each other.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

OP,

Maybe this would help you two figure out some things to talk about and try out:









OMGYES.com - Groundbreaking research into what feels good and why


Finally - an honest, informative, research-based approach to explore what feels good and why and make a great thing even better.




www.omgyes.com


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Not a Bond movie.
> 
> The movie you are thinking of is “A View To A Kill” where she and Christopher Walken engage in some foreplay by duking it out with some Tae Kwon Do on each other.


I didn’t click through. Saw Grace Jones and was like ah View to a Kill!


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Have you asked her if she’s having orgasms (outside of the bedroom context)?


What do you mean outside the bedroom context?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Livvie said:


> It doesn't sound (from all of your threads) like she is ever going to be someone who does anything other than kind of laying there passively. This is probably how she is.
> 
> Did you have sex with others before marriage? What was that like?


I was a virgin when I met her. I feel like sometimes maybe that’s my problem is that I don’t know what to expect or if my lack experience is causing me to feel lost.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> How to tell partner they are bad in bed?!!
> That is your title!
> 
> You've just progressed to naked by candlelight.
> ...


Thanks for the steps. I am not trying to tell her this right away it is just another frustrating aspect of my situation that I eventually want to address. I do feel happy I made progress.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> You never tell your partner they are bad in bed.
> 
> Here is my question... what do you want to do/try? And do not answer me what you want your wife to do. I’m asking specifically what YOU want to try.


I would like to try different positions other than missionary. And I would like to try going down on her to give her pleasure. I just want to try things so she seems to have a better more enjoyable time.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> What do you mean outside the bedroom context?


I mean when you’re not in bed with her. If you’re hanging out having breakfast as an example.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> When you asked her what kind of things she wants to try what does she say?


She will say she wants to try the things I just wrote about but then stops me if I try.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> She will say she wants to try the things I just wrote about but then stops me if I try.


I am struggling getting through it due to the plodding pace and terrible verbose writing style but you might want to grab the book “Passionate Marriage”. It has exercises in there you might want to try with your wife that are steps towards more intimacy.

I stumbled onto many of the ideas in the book just through trial and error.

I have a feeling it might help you two. Depending on your means you might even seek out help from the author directly.

One core idea is that if you want to change the dynamic in your relationship you can change it by changing one person (yourself). This is a powerful idea and you should consider it carefully.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I mean when you’re not in bed with her. If you’re hanging out having breakfast as an example.


Do we talk outside of the bedroom you mean?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> Do we talk outside of the bedroom you mean?


Yes, but have you asked whether she is having orgasms?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Yes, but have you asked whether she is having orgasms?


She says she isn’t.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> She says she isn’t.


Ok well this just exceeded my pay grade. She is likely going to need to figure that out for herself as a precursor to anything else.

There are many references online for women looking to unlock their ability to orgasm; but that is something she is going to need to do for herself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OK, so you're both novices. One of our male members recommends sexual instruction videos by The Sinclair Institute. These are not porn. They may put your wife at ease with sexual activities and you both can practice what is portrayed.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> She says she isn’t.


By the way I jumped the gun there. The follow up question is can she have them by herself masturbating but I’m guessing she has never done that.

If she can then that changes things a lot.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> OK, so you're both novices. One of our male members recommends sexual instruction videos by The Sinclair Institute. These are not porn. They may put your wife at ease with sexual activities and you both can practice what is portrayed.


Is this that Omgyes site?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

CN2622 said:


> Is this that Omgyes site?


No. Google Sinclair Institute.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> No. Google Sinclair Institute.


Ok thanks for the advice. I’m not sure how either of us would feel about it but I guess I have to be more open.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

CN2622 said:


> Ok thanks for the advice. I’m not sure how either of us would feel about it but I guess I have to be more open.


Consider it as educating yourself. Right now you've got the blind leading the blind. In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> I would like to try different positions other than missionary. And I would like to try going down on her to give her pleasure. I just want to try things so she seems to have a better more enjoyable time.


Maybe you could put on your blindfold (to alleviate her insecurity) and as you say "go down on her". This is almost guaranteed to work if you are gentle and listen/pay attention to how she reacts and adjust as needed.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Maybe you could put on your blindfold (to alleviate her insecurity) and as you say "go down on her". This is almost guaranteed to work if you are gentle and listen/pay attention to how she reacts and adjust as needed.


I don’t want to go the blindfold route because I feel like I made progress and I feel that is taking a step back.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> I would like to try different positions other than missionary. And I would like to try going down on her to give her pleasure. I just want to try things so she seems to have a better more enjoyable time.


See my post # 13.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> She will say she wants to try the things I just wrote about but then stops me if I try.


Think of brakes and accelerator in a car - one makes it go forward and the other makes it stop.

Brakes in the sexual arena are things like body image issues, lack of attraction, lack of arousal, religious programming that sex is bad, fear of pain, fear of judgment, fear of pregnancy, STIs etc etc etc etc etc

Accelerators in sex are things like attraction to partner, innate sex drive, flirtation, erotic movies/literature etc, sexy pillow talk, erotic ambiance, touching, kissing, foreplay etc

The key here is to reduce the brakes in your relationship while increasing the accelerators. 

A classic example is Wine and candlelight as alcohol can help people relax and lower inhibition while candlelight can help create some erotic ambiance. 

Im not talking about being outright drunk, but a little buzz can help someone relax and lower some in hibition. 

That’s just an example but my point is lower inhibition while increasing arousal.

Increasing arousal can be things like more touching and making out, more foreplay, being more dominant and initiative, finding what are her erogenous zones and stimulating them etc etc.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

CN2622 said:


> I would like to try different positions other than missionary. And I would like to try going down on her to give her pleasure. I just want to try things so she seems to have a better more enjoyable time.


Do you look like your having a good time? Are you aware of how your coming off during sex? 

A lot of men are so laser focused on making sure the women is having a good time, so much that THAT laser focus is a turn off for the women. Speaking as a women... I love seeing my man have a good time. When he is super quiet and not moaning or breathing heavy it’s awkward and less enjoyable. Your partners enthusiasm can ease your discomfort, make you relax, make you feel confident, and just knocks down the walls so you can enjoy yourself. So make sure you are appearing to enjoy yourself.

Side note: I hate when the guy orgasms and doesn’t make a sound. Come on men, do you want us to have a silent orgasm? Hell no. Give us the satisfaction of enjoying your orgasm with you.


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

I'm going to interject from a BDSM perspective here. No I'm not going to suggest getting into the really kinky stuff, but there is a part of the Kink/Fetish/BDSM/Lifestyle that would apply here.

What commonly happens when we want to try something new, or are dealing with a new partner, we communicate what we (all parties involved) want, what we will or will not do, etc. That's the "negotiation" part. And that's what you're trying to do and making a reasonable start with it. You are communicating with your wife and you've had a success. She was willing to be naked in front of you.

Good start.

The other part of what commonly happens is the after discussion. We (again all parties involved) will chat about what the experience was like for us. We will talk about what we did and talk about what worked, what didn't and needs improvement on, and what we decide didn't work and should just be abandoned. We also sometimes talk about ideas that we had during that we'd like to try later.

And this is what you need to also do. But since she's timid, at first I'd focus on what worked...until she's at the point where she's more engaged in the discussions herself.

Also EveningThoughts brought up a damn good point that I'd like to expand on.



EveningThoughts said:


> Step two might be massage by candlelight


Stop thinking solely on yourself. If you want her to be more invested in the idea of sexy funtimes...make some of it about her. Don't demand anything, make that massage about her. Go out to the internet and learn how to give a sensual massage. Gently surprise her with it when she's had a rough time. When she tells you about what she's been through, ask her..."Yeah, that was rough. Sounds like you need to unwind a little bit. How does a massage sound to you?" 

Now comes to the important bit. Do not do this with the expectation of having sex. Do not put her in the mindset that this is an obligation on her if she accepts. Let her know that this is for her and that she is to simply enjoy it. Then if she wants one, grab the massage oil (available at Walmart/Target/CVS/Walgreens/etc) light some candles and give her one. Done wrong by putting pressure and obligation on her, you'll not get her to come out of her shell (and might drive her deeper in). Done right by not applying pressure and obligation, at best there's a chance you'll have aroused her to the point where she's interested in "returning the favor" at worst, she's relaxed and happy and feeling that she's not under pressure to "return the favor" and will hopefully be in a better mindset later. 

And that's what you're looking for here. To gently get her to a better mindset so you can go back to my first point of having the two of you talking about what you'd like to try as a couple...together.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> I don’t want to go the blindfold route because I feel like I made progress and I feel that is taking a step back.


But if she can relax and orgasm that is a huge step forward.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

The blindfold should be for her. It can help self conscious people escape that. Many women can’t relax and get excited because they are stuck in their own brains.

In addition asking her to figure out what makes her orgasm is bad in my opinion. Many women including myself don’t masturebate and the things that get me going aren’t something I’d do to myself.

you should do a little research then pick a plan and Execute.

and I wouldn’t worry about your boredom until you get better at your end. Do you orgasm? Yes. Can tell you it’s pretty boring if it’s not feeling good. And missionary plain doesn’t do it for lots of women. Try tilting her pelvis up by putting a pillow underneath her butt.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> I don’t want to go the blindfold route because I feel like I made progress and I feel that is taking a step back.


I should add that I think your attitude is all wrong here. You going at this like she’s no good in bed but the sad truth here is bad or not- if she’s never able to be satisfied by you then that will be very damaging to your marriage and could lead to it ending.

I’d imagine you hinting that you’re disappointed is putting even more pressure on her whereas you need to figure out how to take the pressure OFF of her.

Maybe you could seek some sort of therapy but again this will send a pretty huge message that she’s defective.

If you’re achieving an orgasm you really have NOTHING to complain about. Meanwhile, she’s got to be frustrated beyond belief if she’s getting rev’d up over and over with no climax. Women are typically more patient than men with “no climax” but that doesn’t mean they could take that for days, weeks, or years.

You need to work with what you got here and I bet she’ll improve.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I didn’t click through. Saw Grace Jones and was like ah View to a Kill!


While I'm a long time fan of 007 films, I relate to a little less civilized character.😉


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> Do you look like your having a good time? Are you aware of how your coming off during sex?
> 
> A lot of men are so laser focused on making sure the women is having a good time, so much that THAT laser focus is a turn off for the women. Speaking as a women... I love seeing my man have a good time. When he is super quiet and not moaning or breathing heavy it’s awkward and less enjoyable. Your partners enthusiasm can ease your discomfort, make you relax, make you feel confident, and just knocks down the walls so you can enjoy yourself. So make sure you are appearing to enjoy yourself.
> 
> Side note: I hate when the guy orgasms and doesn’t make a sound. Come on men, do you want us to have a silent orgasm? Hell no. Give us the satisfaction of enjoying your orgasm with you.


Ain't that the truth....the having a good time part.

Mine is fairly quiet but his face contorts in ways I find very sexy. He also breathes heavily. 

Occasionally I'll get grunts out of him....those are sexy as hell.

My father used to say, when I was grown of course, that the best turn on is someone who clearly wants you. He was right about that. No better way to kill another's desire then to send the message that you don't want to be there.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> I should add that I think your attitude is all wrong here. You going at this like she’s no good in bed but the sad truth here is bad or not- if she’s never able to be satisfied by you then that will be very damaging to your marriage and could lead to it ending.
> 
> I’d imagine you hinting that you’re disappointed is putting even more pressure on her whereas you need to figure out how to take the pressure OFF of her.
> 
> ...


I like this. I'd also add that before one proclaims another to be bad in bed they should be sure that THEY are not bad in bed.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What that woman needs is some eager unashamed desirious wanting oral sex


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I hate when the guy orgasms and doesn’t make a sound.


How is that even possible?


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

Sfort said:


> How is that even possible?


Easy. Sometimes we're putting everything into the "really stupid face" we can make when the magic happens.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ain't that the truth....the having a good time part.
> 
> Mine is fairly quiet but his face contorts in ways I find very sexy. He also breathes heavily.
> 
> ...


I guess I have never really video taped myself lol or looked at how I look. I am never uninterested when we are being intimate but I am not sure of what noises I am making. Women prefer a man to make noises and moan?

I hope this isn’t tmi but I will usually mention when I am close to finishing to make sure that is on. Sorry if this is tmi.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Sfort said:


> How is that even possible?


It’s possible.

I announce it ahead of time now and then get loud AF. Why not we don’t have kids? Perhaps the cat is taking some mental damage...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> I hope this isn’t tmi but I will usually mention when I am close to finishing to make sure that is on. Sorry if this is tmi.


It's not TMI. This is a site for adults. 

I think they can tell when the time is coming. It's probably the 10-second warning that they don't like.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> It's not TMI. This is a site for adults.
> 
> I think they can tell when the time is coming. It's probably the 10-second warning that they don't like.


I can't always tell it's coming or happened. I mean in the early part of the relationship it was obvious it happened. But now that bodies are old, sometime ED sometimes back or leg cramp. I mean I think I do ok but no can't always tell. Maybe that's just me.

Not sure I"d like the 10 second warning either. I do appreciate an indication. a good grunt LOL>


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I was making a little joke, of sorts. If you can't tell when your partner is about to blow his lid, he's just not an expressive orgasmer. That's not a problem with him. It's a trait.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think the Mrs actually likes the warning, she gives me one usually unless she’s really into it because she wants me to go at the same time. 

It’s very unusual I can actually go at the same time maybe 1/30 times I can pull it off; usually I am 20-30s later. Early is an obvious problem to avoid.

So the warning helps with that because if she is nowhere near then she can interrupt things. Also helps me out the other way, I can tell if she is building but not necessarily how close. Just like a guy sometimes she can be fast and sometimes slow so at least for us the verbal communication is helpful. I think she also likes it like it helps her get there. I noticed in the last year she actually likes dirty talk.

She is a nice very conservative lady and by comparison I am a piece of garbage so I was a bit surprised to learn this after all that time but I’m not wasting the knowledge now!

To bring this back to the OP the revelation after all these posts that your wife is not having orgasms during intercourse is big and in my opinion under appreciated here.

It is critical for her to figure this out on her own or with professional help because all of the other concerns you have expressed pale in comparison to this in my opinion.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> She is a nice very conservative lady and by comparison I am a piece of garbage so I was a bit surprised to learn this after all that time but I’m not wasting the knowledge now!


Assume for the sake of argument that OP and his wife are like you and your wife. How can he move her to the dirty talk part?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Sfort said:


> Assume for the sake of argument that OP and his wife are like you and your wife. How can he move her to the dirty talk part?


If I was the OP my plan would be:

1. Have conversation with the wife outside the bedroom about if she is able to bring herself to orgasm.

2. If she says: no, I don’t know, or I think so; really anything other than yes then I would recommend seeing professional help for/with her with a sex therapist. I would read books written by sex therapists about women becoming orgasmic and then pick the author I liked best and just shell out for sessions with that person. Don’t mess around with a local expert get someone who is nationally known.

If she is the self-help style then maybe she could do it herself. There is a subreddit on this, I’ve never looked at it but it’s referenced occasionally.

2a. If she does say yes to the above, see if you can get her to show you. Perhaps do it together.

3. If you can sort out that she has absolutely had orgasms by herself then you need to figure out how to be part of her having one with you.

4. Now you’re ready for everything else you have been posting about including dirty talk.

To answer Sfort’s question my wife is still very guarded but I think what opened her up a bit was extending foreplay to be very long.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> To bring this back to the OP the revelation after all these posts that your wife is not having orgasms during intercourse is big and in my opinion under appreciated here.


Actually, I assumed she wasn't. She isn't relaxed enough about sex to have an orgasm. There needs to be some work between her ears before it will translate to between her legs. The very worst thing he can do is to make her feel less than - desirable or adequate.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> There needs to be some work between her ears before it will translate to between her legs.


Classic @Blondilocks!!! That's a keeper!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If I were the OP, I would expect this to get incrementally better, perhaps, for a while, but ultimately to fall well short of what he really wants.

A partner who desired what he wants out of a sexual relationship would have shown a little more initiative to make it happen by now. If you are not familiar with the Greek story of Sisyphus, look it up. Inexperience does not explain this level of sexual complacency or aversion, IMHO. 

OP, unless I'm very much mistaken, this is going to be your sexual life FOREVER. Only you can decide if the journey is worth the toll. The person who is ultimately going to have to make most of the compromises is going to be you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cletus said:


> If I were the OP, I would expect this to get incrementally better, perhaps, for a while, but ultimately to fall well short of what he really wants.
> 
> A partner who desired what he wants out of a sexual relationship would have shown a little more initiative to make it happen by now. If you are not familiar with the Greek story of Sisyphus, look it up. Inexperience does not explain this level of sexual complacency or aversion, IMHO.
> 
> OP, unless I'm very much mistaken, this is going to be your sexual life FOREVER. Only you can decide if the journey is worth the toll. The person who is ultimately going to have to make most of the compromises is going to be you.


If I could like this post a million times, I would. This is the truth of the situation.

Like Cletus said, inexperience does not explain (even close to) this level of sexual complacency and aversion.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Actually, I assumed she wasn't. She isn't relaxed enough about sex to have an orgasm. There needs to be some work between her ears before it will translate to between her legs. The very worst thing he can do is to make her feel less than - desirable or adequate.


Yeah there is a difference to me where if she has literally never had one even by herself versus not having one with the OP.

Worrying about if you like sex or not with someone who hasn’t even had an orgasm yet seems backwards and broken.

If I was the OP I would dial it way back and work on that at the exclusion of everything else.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

We need to remember that what we have here are two virginal newly weds. I suspect one has been watching porn and wonders why they aren't swinging from the chandelier and the other is still trying to figure out how to insert the plug into the outlet.

If they had no problem keeping their hands off each other when they were dating, there may be a lack of chemistry.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> We need to remember that what we have here are two virginal newly weds. I suspect one has been watching porn and wonders why they aren't swinging from the chandelier and the other is still trying to figure out how to insert the plug into the outlet.


For various definitions of "swinging from the chandeliers" which include actually taking off your clothes together.

Missing know-how between two virgins is to be expected. Hell, it's even part of the fun. Disinterest or aversion? Not the same thing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just for data points...

I knew a fairly inexperienced couple once where he was a virgin and she had very limited experience and had never had someone give her the O.

She became so disinterest in sex she said she didn't care if she ever had it again and she was in her early twenties. She didn't like getting naked and was very reserved and nervous in the bedroom.

I took my young friend out and started having big brother type conversations with him about sex.

We continued our conversations and in a couple months, she couldn't shut up about how much she loved sex and was giving her husband lap dances.

Mileage varies but I've never observed sexual behavior as being written in stone. We aren't hardwired and can develop it like anything.

It does take the initial willingness to participate and OP's wife has certainly shown that she is willing despite getting very little returns herself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> For various definitions of "swinging from the chandeliers" which include actually taking off your clothes together.
> 
> Missing know-how between two virgins is to be expected. Hell, it's even part of the fun. Disinterest or aversion? Not the same thing.


One month ago, he joined and claimed to be newly weds. Then the complaints started. Just how interested would you be? Patience and some time are necessary to ascertain what the real problems are.

What if he married a woman who didn't know how to cook? Wouldn't he expect it to take some practice, lessons maybe and experience to produce a meal that he would consider edible? If he brought up his disappointment from the get-go, I can see his wife telling him that he can cook his own meals.

I wager they haven't had sex more than half a dozen times.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> My wife was able to be intimate last night with me with some light candles and no clothing on. My question is after we talked and she said she wants to try new things but then when we are intimate she is always very quiet and just kind of lays there. I don’t want to insult her and tell her sometimes I am bored. I have told her I would like to try new things also but we never do. I don’t want to push her too far since we were able to get undressed together last night.


You are going to have to be the one who is confident enough to try a new thing and you should not start with the most extreme thing. She is passive and not about to initiate that sort of thing. So you don't need to tell her anything but you just need to initiate what you want to do. I'm assuming if she doesn't want to she will stop or tell you. Don't be negative about it. When she is doing something you like you need to tell her that feels good and be positive about encouraging that but don't just keep talking about it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> One month ago, he joined and claimed to be newly weds. Then the complaints started. Just how interested would you be? Patience and some time are necessary to ascertain what the real problems are.
> 
> What if he married a woman who didn't know how to cook? Wouldn't he expect it to take some practice, lessons maybe and experience to produce a meal that he would consider edible? If he brought up his disappointment from the get-go, I can see his wife telling him that he can cook his own meals.
> 
> I wager they haven't had sex more than half a dozen times.


I think many, myself included at times, tend to measure the world by our experiences.

I've seen more people, who wanted to try, improve in this area than not.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I took my young friend out and started having big brother type conversations with him about sex.
> 
> We continued our conversations and in a couple months, she couldn't shut up about how much she loved sex and was giving her husband lap dances.


Boy, I wish I had had a big brother!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Boy, I wish I had had a big brother!


I wish a lot of people had someone they could trust to discuss sex. It's one of the most important human topics but it's shrouded in misinformation, taboo and shame.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> What if he married a woman who didn't know how to cook? Wouldn't he expect it to take some practice, lessons maybe and experience to produce a meal that he would consider edible?


I would expect someone who didn't know how to cook but was truly interested in learning how to show enthusiasm in the kitchen - lots of dirty pots and pans, lots of mistakes, burned dinners, some failures, and some successes, and a growing skill set.

Likewise, I would expect someone who does not know how to cook but would rather order takeout to show little motivation to learn, possibly even while making all the mouth noises to the contrary to their partner.

Everyone is rooting for the OP here. Everyone comes here for advice. Plenty has been provided to solve on the issue directly, and we all hope it works out. Some of that advice should include the possibility that this is not fixable in a way that satisfies both partners. Everyone should know that before their lives become so entangled that it is too hard to fix.

You might be right. OP should consider both possibilities.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> I wish a lot of people had someone they could trust to discuss sex. It's one of the most important human topics but it's shrouded in misinformation, taboo and shame.


Exactly! And having that connection doesn't mean you're trying to jump into that someone's pants (assuming the someone is of the opposite sex.) TAM serves that purpose to a limited extent, but when things get too graphic, there are complaints. Men are visual creatures and need the graphics. I, too, have successfully counseled others in sexual matters. However, knowing how to fix others' problems does not necessarily mean I know how to fix my own problems.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> We need to remember that what we have here are two virginal newly weds. I suspect one has been watching porn and wonders why they aren't swinging from the chandelier and the other is still trying to figure out how to insert the plug into the outlet.
> 
> If they had no problem keeping their hands off each other when they were dating, there may be a lack of chemistry.


By a show of hands here, how many people had sex in their teens,,, possibly as a virgin and possibly with another virgin as well where the sex was very enthusiastic and engaging even if not completely technically skilled.

🤚


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> By a show of hands here, how many people had sex in their teens,,, possibly as a virgin and possibly with another virgin as well where the sex was very enthusiastic and engaging even if not completely technically skilled.
> 
> 🤚


🤚


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> By a show of hands here, how many people had sex in their teens,,, possibly as a virgin and possibly with another virgin as well where the sex was very enthusiastic and engaging even if not completely technically skilled.
> 
> 🤚


Which proves nothing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> By a show of hands here, how many people had sex in their teens,,, possibly as a virgin and possibly with another virgin as well where the sex was very enthusiastic and engaging even if not completely technically skilled.
> 
> 🤚


 Yep my first was such a dud. I didn't really want sex after that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Which proves nothing.


I wasn’t asking for proof of anything, but rather to show that lack of technical experience does not = lack of engagement, enthusiasm and desire. 

How many teens across the world this very day are going to get all hot and bothered and have their hormones surging out of control and be breathless and passionate even though they’ve had very little if any experience? 

My first sexual experiences in my teens as a young, naive, virginal, midwestern farm boy with a teenage, virginal, farmer’s daughter were heads and shoulders more engaging, intimate and enthusiastic that what is being described here. 

This is far beyond a simple lack of experience and technical skill.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> We need to remember that what we have here are two virginal newly weds. I suspect one has been watching porn and wonders why they aren't swinging from the chandelier and the other is still trying to figure out how to insert the plug into the outlet.
> 
> If they had no problem keeping their hands off each other when they were dating, there may be a lack of chemistry.


I think this is probably the root of the problem and of many many problems. 

OP, if you have been watching porn and are thinking that this is stuff most people do or should do, you need to reflect on the fact that porn actresses are either paid to do what they're doing or are forced into slavery to do what they're doing. What is going on in porn is mostly just a man's fantasy and not routine for making love to your wife and a whole lot of it would not be enjoyable to your wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I wasn’t asking for proof of anything, but rather to show that lack of technical experience does not = lack of engagement, enthusiasm and desire.
> 
> How many teens across the world this very day are going to get all hot and bothered and have their hormones surging out of control and be breathless and passionate even though they’ve had very little if any experience?
> 
> ...


My first time had her talking to God, yelling YES! at the top of her lungs with her eyes rolling in the back of her head and her head tossed back.

Many others do not experience anything close and they start out barely getting the mechanics down but they do improve if they keep at it and try.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think this is probably the root of the problem and of many many problems.
> 
> OP, if you have been watching porn and are thinking that this is stuff most people do or should do, you need to reflect on the fact that porn actresses are either paid to do what they're doing or are forced into slavery to do what they're doing. What is going on in porn is mostly just a man's fantasy and not routine for making love to your wife and a whole lot of it would not be enjoyable to your wife.


They need to work out how she can even get the O.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> They need to work out how she can even get the O.


Honestly that's something a woman needs to work out for themselves. And then she can show the man how to do it. The o is not necessarily the most important thing about sex to a woman. They have to feel a connection and I would hope she didn't get married if she didn't feel one. But even if she does feel one what she feels maybe more accurately expressed as attention and affection. We just don't know because she isn't very forthcoming. She may not know herself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately for OP, not everyone who waits is enthusiastic once the waiting is over. She’s apparently one who isn’t. Maybe time will help and maybe it won’t but it’s not unheard of for this not to be a quick process so be patient and continue to work on it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> By a show of hands here, how many people had sex in their teens,,, possibly as a virgin and possibly with another virgin as well where the sex was very enthusiastic and engaging even if not completely technically skilled.
> 
> 🤚


As a teen, my bf and I did "touchy feely" but I never saw a penis nor had PIV until I was raped in college at 19yo. The first time I consented to sex was after college. I went out with a guy and thought "Good heavens, I'm out of college! I should just go along with this..." (so not a great mindset or some kind of romantized "love"), and it was utterly a dud. I literally thought afterward: "Wait? That's it? I've been a virgin all this time for that?" I'm not kidding! The next time I consented to sex, I ended up marrying that guy. 

So in many ways, I can "identify" with the OP's wife and how a person can grow up and kind of end up with a less-than-enthusiastic view of sex. I mean, my teen bf taught me what I think of as "loving" now...but from college on, sex at first was NOT good or exciting, and in fact resulted in some decidedly BAD and lackluster feelings! If something is bad and lackluster, why would I want more of that? In addition, the man I married (my first hubby) cheated on me and regularly told me that he desired a tall, thin woman -- so WHY did he marry me? I'm neither tall nor thin! I constantly felt unwanted and pressured to be what I wasn't. 

Anyway, to answer the question, nope sex was not enthusiastic, engaging or technically skilled. That was all stuff that had to be learned and it took probably until in my 30's to learn...and into my 40's before I felt, as a woman, WOOHOO I know exactly what I want and how I want it!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> By a show of hands here, how many people had sex in their teens,,, possibly as a virgin and possibly with another virgin as well where the sex was very enthusiastic and engaging even if not completely technically skilled.
> 
> 🤚


👍


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Exactly! And having that connection doesn't mean you're trying to jump into that someone's pants (assuming the someone is of the opposite sex.) TAM serves that purpose to a limited extent, but when things get too graphic, there are complaints. Men are visual creatures and need the graphics. I, too, have successfully counseled others in sexual matters. However, knowing how to fix others' problems does not necessarily mean I know how to fix my own problems.


Anyone wanting to know what posts are acceptable on TAM should read the site sticky notes and rules.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Anyone wanting to know what posts are acceptable on TAM should read the site sticky notes and rules.


I need to read them again. Thanks.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> As a teen, my bf and I did "touchy feely" but I never saw a penis nor had PIV until I was raped in college at 19yo. The first time I consented to sex was after college. I went out with a guy and thought "Good heavens, I'm out of college! I should just go along with this..." (so not a great mindset or some kind of romantized "love"), and it was utterly a dud. I literally thought afterward: "Wait? That's it? I've been a virgin all this time for that?" I'm not kidding! The next time I consented to sex, I ended up marrying that guy.
> 
> So in many ways, I can "identify" with the OP's wife and how a person can grow up and kind of end up with a less-than-enthusiastic view of sex. I mean, my teen bf taught me what I think of as "loving" now...but from college on, sex at first was NOT good or exciting, and in fact resulted in some decidedly BAD and lackluster feelings! If something is bad and lackluster, why would I want more of that? In addition, the man I married (my first hubby) cheated on me and regularly told me that he desired a tall, thin woman -- so WHY did he marry me? I'm neither tall nor thin! I constantly felt unwanted and pressured to be what I wasn't.
> 
> Anyway, to answer the question, nope sex was not enthusiastic, engaging or technically skilled. That was all stuff that had to be learned and it took probably until in my 30's to learn...and into my 40's before I felt, as a woman, WOOHOO I know exactly what I want and how I want it!


I am very sorry to hear about the assault and that brings up a whole host of other issues.

But even the rest of your post is kind of missing my point a bit.

I’m not talking about teen sex being “good” or mind blowing orgasms etc. 

If you were to ask my high school GF how the sex was with me back in the day, she’d likely say I was inept and unskilled and that she did not orgasm with me. 

But my point here is that even though she may not have found it earth moving or even orgasmic during our time together - she was uninhibited, she was enthusiastic and she was engaged. She dropped her clothes with the lights on or in the middle of the afternoon, we engaged in a wide variety of positions, we both gave and recieved oral etc etc

All of this as inexperienced, teenage virgins. 

My point is not that teen sex is great. It is that the inhibition, dissatisfaction, awkwardness and apparent lack of chemistry with the OP’s situation is not just inexperience. There is more to this situation beside just simple inexperience.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I haven't read all of this thread, but I would advise the OP that if you want intimacy to be more exciting than you will also have to be the one that takes responsibility for that. You will also need to do so in a way that is compatible with your wife's lovemaking style which you describe as that of a starfish (just lays there in the bed likely resembling a starfish and nothing more).

An example of something that you could try might include buying a jar of coconut oil from the grocery store and then playing a game of "oops it ALL spilled out of the jar!"


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@oldshirt and @CN2622

I see what you're saying about there being "something more" to the inhibition, dissatisfaction, awkwardness and apparent lack of chemistry. My situation is actually AN EXAMPLE of that...so I think we're agreeing!

I wouldn't say I'm inhibited etc. now, but in my early twenties I was...but it was absolutely BECAUSE I had been raped and didn't face it, and then had bad sex coupled with "christian guilt", and then married a man who didn't love my body type and pressured me to be what I wasn't. So see how all that stuff that made me feel inhibited and dissatisfied and awkward?

@CN2622, in my life, my first husband cheated on me and we ended up divorced! Chances are about 99.99% that your wife HAS had something more happen in her life, and the way to improve the situation is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY 100% *NOT* to try to guilt her into "being better in bed" and comparing her to porn!!! Porn is NOT reality, nor is it true intimate lovemaking! I'd say take the time to learn yourself how to be a better lover, how to gain confidence, how to improve technique, etc. and then patiently teach her to learn some of those things herself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> @oldshirt and @CN2622
> 
> I see what you're saying about there being "something more" to the inhibition, dissatisfaction, awkwardness and apparent lack of chemistry. My situation is actually AN EXAMPLE of that...so I think we're agreeing!
> 
> ...


Hallelujah!!! Sun shines through the clouds.😁


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

OP you are both young and newly weds and you have years ahead exploring each others bodies and finding out what you both like/enjoy. Touch, kiss, explore (don't rush it) every inch of each others bodies in every part of your house, on furniture lol and tell each other what feels good etc. The foreplay and exploring i would focus on first. The Full sex PIV can wait till you are both ready for it. In time your both you and your wife will be happier in the bedroom. You can make it fun by getting a Karma sutra book and try the different positions. You can also buy games for during sex and introduce toys, oils, cream haha (just don't use anything sticky like syrup, you will stick together. It's very painful. It nearly ripped my skin off) oils are best like coconut oil, baby oil. Have fun and look forward to your update.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

☝☝☝☝☝☝☝☝


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> By a show of hands here, how many people had sex in their teens,,, possibly as a virgin and possibly with another virgin as well where the sex was very enthusiastic and engaging even if not completely technically skilled.
> 
> 🤚


As a teenager I was just crushing on particular guys and all excited to even talk to them but I definitely wasn't stripping naked and giving them BJ's. Before college, the only thing interesting approaching sex was dry humping with a guy in his car and then he stopped right when it was getting interesting for me. But that was the first time any guy did anything that was a physical turn on. 

In college and thereafter I ran amok but good sex was few and far between. Good thing I enjoyed the chase and excitement of that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A lot of people are mentioning porn as giving the OP unrealistic expectations.

Has the OP even said if he watches porn or not?

The only thing I’ve seen mentioned about porn was a MC recommended it and he rejected that idea. 

Does he even watch porn?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> As a teenager I was just crushing on particular guys and all excited to even talk to them but I definitely wasn't stripping naked and giving them BJ's. Before college, the only thing interesting approaching sex was dry humping with a guy in his car and then he stopped right when it was getting interesting for me. But that was the first time any guy did anything that was a physical turn on.
> 
> In college and thereafter I ran amok but good sex was few and far between. Good thing I enjoyed the chase and excitement of that.


Like I said above, im not really talking about *good *sex. 

You’re kind of a proving my point for me above.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Like I said above, im not really talking about *good *sex.
> 
> You’re kind of a proving my point for me above.


I was in my 30's before I experienced good sex.

Now in my 40's sex is great!

I think I'm quite typical this way.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

OP, Just a side note: many women don't orgasm from intercourse alone, and some aren't able to do so during it (PIV) on a consistent basis or at all. Don't put pressure on her to orgasm during intercourse or at the same time as you. I know that seems to be the norm in movies or porn, but reality is often different. Doesn't mean it isn't amazing. There are plenty of ways to get her to O...hopefully once you both figure that out, it will be a game-changer for her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> One month ago, he joined and claimed to be newly weds. Then the complaints started. Just how interested would you be? Patience and some time are necessary to ascertain what the real problems are.
> 
> What if he married a woman who didn't know how to cook? Wouldn't he expect it to take some practice, lessons maybe and experience to produce a meal that he would consider edible? If he brought up his disappointment from the get-go, I can see his wife telling him that he can cook his own meals.
> 
> I wager they haven't had sex more than half a dozen times.


I like your analogy and just wanted to add there’s a difference with WANTING to learn to cook. As a non-cooking type, Batman knew this from the get-go. I could microwave well though. Whereas he’s into cooking. We have been to classes together, which for the most part I lined up, and still not particularly interested - although eating as a class together at the end was good. I’m into the eating and social part. So while I’m recently making more ‘effort’ due to changes in routine and happy to do so, it’s still not my ‘bag’. He appreciates when I do cook but he also accepts it’s not my bag. And I appreciate the delicious meals he makes with the interest he has with cooking

Sex on the other hand - despite being inexperienced when I met him, I was pretty open about and into with him. My point (I think I have one) is that for me, neither of these aspects of myself have really changed over the years.

Maybe if I had an internal desire to want to cook but just didn’t know how, that would be different. So it depends whether she has interest in sex with him or not. Or interest in embracing her own sexuality. Regardless of what he is or isn’t doing.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> OP you are both young and newly weds and you have years ahead exploring each others bodies and finding out what you both like/enjoy. Touch, kiss, explore (don't rush it) every inch of each others bodies in every part of your house, on furniture lol and tell each other what feels good etc. The foreplay and exploring i would focus on first. The Full sex PIV can wait till you are both ready for it. In time your both you and your wife will be happier in the bedroom. You can make it fun by getting a Karma sutra book and try the different positions. You can also buy games for during sex and introduce toys, oils, cream haha (just don't use anything sticky like syrup, you will stick together. It's very painful. It nearly ripped my skin off) oils are best like coconut oil, baby oil. Have fun and look forward to your update.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


I had thought about the Kama Sutra too. Although because it’s much more than just positions. I bought this for myself (or a version of it) when I was 17 and still a virgin. I was curious after it featured in a song lyric haha and thought, ‘What is that book _really_ about?’ What I recall the most was more about the spiritual / mental entwining.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I had thought about the Kama Sutra too. Although because it’s much more than just positions. I bought this for myself (or a version of it) when I was 17 and still a virgin. I was curious after it featured in a song lyric haha and thought, ‘What is that book _really_ about?’ What I recall the most was more about the spiritual / mental entwining.


I lost my virginity when I was 18 and after that bought myself a Karma Sutra book. My ex and myself started from the 1st page and tried different positions every time haha. It was fun. Some were impossible but I mostly bought it for the positions. I was a virgin and my ex had lots of girl friends before me (while with me too and behind his ex wife's back lol) I just remember being young and exploring was fun. OP and his wife sound like they are exploring things for themselves now. They should relax, go with the flow, make it fun . He is worrying too much. Worrying will ruin things. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Twodecades said:


> OP, Just a side note: many women don't orgasm from intercourse alone, and some aren't able to do so during it (PIV) on a consistent basis or at all. Don't put pressure on her to orgasm during intercourse or at the same time as you. I know that seems to be the norm in movies or porn, but reality is often different. Doesn't mean it isn't amazing. There are plenty of ways to get her to O...hopefully once you both figure that out, it will be a game-changer for her.


I agree. It used to really annoy me if guys were focused on whether I was having an orgasm to the point of talking and distracting me about it. Because if they're talking and making me feel self-conscious ain't nothing good going to come of that.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> The blindfold should be for her. It can help self conscious people escape that. Many women can’t relax and get excited because they are stuck in their own brains.
> 
> In addition asking her to figure out what makes her orgasm is bad in my opinion. Many women including myself don’t masturebate and the things that get me going aren’t something I’d do to myself.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. We tried the pillow thing last night and at first she was a little weirded out by it but then in the end both of us found it helpful. Thank you!!


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> We need to remember that what we have here are two virginal newly weds. I suspect one has been watching porn and wonders why they aren't swinging from the chandelier and the other is still trying to figure out how to insert the plug into the outlet.
> 
> If they had no problem keeping their hands off each other when they were dating, there may be a lack of chemistry.


Neither of us watches porn. I don’t have a lack of attraction to her I just do feel lost at what I should be doing to make it enjoyable for her.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> A lot of people are mentioning porn as giving the OP unrealistic expectations.
> 
> Has the OP even said if he watches porn or not?
> 
> ...


I do not. I understand that’s not realistic and would never want my wife to feel compared to that.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I was in my 30's before I experienced good sex.
> 
> Now in my 40's sex is great!
> 
> I think I'm quite typical this way.


Was it the partner that changed when you got to your 30s?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CN2622 said:


> Was it the partner that changed when you got to your 30s?


I think we become less body conscious as we get a bit older. I'm an endurance athlete so I'm in pretty good shape but little imperfections don't bother me at all. I have two grown boys and the stretch marks to prove it. 

But i also think you are waaaay to passive. I couldn't deal with that. It's a process you can work through but your goal should be to bolster your own self confidence so you can lead. A confident man can get all kinds of things out of a woman.

Remember that people who accuse others of being boring are often boring. You two are young and inexperienced but if you keep at it and are patient you can both grow.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

After all the many, many posts here, many good ones, and much wisdom across some.

*take what works for you, leave the rest 🙂.

Can, in one simple analogy be boiled down to:

Making love to a loving wife, regardless of either spouses level of sexual skill or experience is almost exactly like a musician wanting to, dedicated to, and enjoying mastering playing a high quality musical instrument.

You shouldn't expect to play at a high skill level at first but you still play, practice continuously with passion and dedication, and loving the music you can get out of your instrument, and taking great care of the instrument because you know it's of great value it itself

I'll use an acoustic guitar in this analogy, for brevity.

You're committed, and practice enthusiastically with passion daily. You spend time learning about the physics of the guitar, it's construction, best care of the many parts, and very much appreciate the sounds it makes.

You study music theory and acoustics because it helps you focuse and know the guitar's strengths and weaknesses and you strongly desire to play that guitar the best it can be played and you know that as you get more skillful the better the music.

You realize getting the best music from the guitar depends on your effort and dedication to improving daily.

You study and practice different songs, get better and better, and soon the guitar is showing you her strengths as if sweet, bell like tones, great rhythm sound board performance, clear and bright sustains and super results from string bending improvisations, more.

You reach higher skill levels and the guitar at times seems to respond to your improved skill set, the guitar at times almost plays itself.

But recall the first step; the first action is to show appreciation of the instrument and show your dedication to it's care and maintenance so as your skills improve and variety of songs you've learned expand the music coming from you playing the guitar continues to get sweeter every day.

The beauty is that the variety of music composure is infinite.

And with regular practice only gets better.

This is a guaranteed successful approach.

If you do nothing else, start down this path.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think that OP keeps coming back here every few days and saying "we tried that" is very encouraging. She must be a _little _enthusiastic. She could be worried about having a baby- what's scarier than that? lol


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The other side of the coin is that she might not be a very sexual person, or might not be attracted to him. If it's one of these, he'll be spinning his sexual wheels forever, going nowhere.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> Thank you so much. We tried the pillow thing last night and at first she was a little weirded out by it but then in the end both of us found it helpful. Thank you!!


I still think your wife should be working on unlocking her orgasm. You still haven’t answered if she has ever had one even by herself. 

If not you’re not likely to get there through any kind of missionary unless you’re using your hands and if you do use your hands unless she can direct you how to do it, it’s hard for me to believe you’ll accidentally stumble across what she needs but maybe you’re an untapped sex beast.

If you can get her to try from the top and she has the stamina to pull it off it will result in more contact for her clitoris and she will also be able to control everything about how the pressure is happening as well as depth and angle. Can also try a pillow under your hips from this position if it is uncomfortable for her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> I still think your wife should be working on unlocking her orgasm.* You still haven’t answered if she has ever had one even by herself. *


@CN2622 . 

Really?

This may be the very much most important question to get answered.

If she hasn't O'd on her own, she really needs to spend some of her time experimenting.

If she's totally not willing to spend that time experimenting and cross that bridge, as in she won't even try, that's an entirely different set of problems.

Has she, or is she even willing ?

(Sorry to be so direct. I'm older, M 36 yrs, so I'm not asking out of nosiness but in an earnest attempt to gain more data so solutions can be more on target.)


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I don't think he should pressure her to O by herself. There are many women particularly young women who don't masturbate. If she does, great he can ask her what does it for her. But to pressure her to do something she isn't in too when they are both so inexperienced isn't good.

I know I don't masturbate because honestly it doesn't do much for me. I prefer my husband. I'm old and not sexually repressed these days and I still don't masturbate. We have toys.

And at that age and level of experience if someone told me I had to figure it out so I could tell them. Well I think I would have given up.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't think he should pressure her to O by herself. There are many women particularly young women who don't masturbate. If she does, great he can ask her what does it for her. But to pressure her to do something she isn't in too when they are both so inexperienced isn't good.
> 
> I know I don't masturbate because honestly it doesn't do much for me. I prefer my husband. I'm old and not sexually repressed these days and I still don't masturbate. We have toys.
> 
> And at that age and level of experience if someone told me I had to figure it out so I could tell them. Well I think I would have given up.


Interesting. I’m pretty sure there is a “becoming orgasmic” subreddit; would be interesting to see what the collective wisdom was on this. A lot of the posts I have come across randomly suggest it is better for women to discover for themselves but maybe not for everyone.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't think he should pressure her to O by herself. There are many women particularly young women who don't masturbate. If she does, great he can ask her what does it for her. But to pressure her to do something she isn't in too when they are both so inexperienced isn't good.
> 
> I know I don't masturbate because honestly it doesn't do much for me. I prefer my husband. I'm old and not sexually repressed these days and I still don't masturbate. We have toys.
> 
> And at that age and level of experience if someone told me I had to figure it out so I could tell them. Well I think I would have given up.


This makes no sense.

He needs to know if his wife has ever had an orgasm. Their sex life is dead in the water if they don't even have that piece of information.


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## CareBear143 (Apr 1, 2021)

About 75 *percent* of all *women* never reach orgasm from intercourse alone -- that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. 

Most require clitoral stimulation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Livvie said:


> This makes no sense.
> 
> He needs to know if his wife has ever had an orgasm. Their sex life is dead in the water if they don't even have that piece of information.


Sorry my personal life experiences make no sense to you.

I wasn't suggesting he not ask if she has ever had an orgasm. I was suggesting he may not want to pressure her into self exploration for her to come back and tell him what works. I think she probably doesn't know what works and they can explore together.

OP obviously you know your wife more than we do. If you think she is open to self exploration and that you suggesting it to her would be welcome and not make her feel self conscious then go for it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> Interesting. I’m pretty sure there is a “becoming orgasmic” subreddit; would be interesting to see what the collective wisdom was on this. A lot of the posts I have come across randomly suggest it is better for women to discover for themselves but maybe not for everyone.


yes many of them men and some women. I think this whole site is made up of more sexual people than the average young person so shy they won't even take their clothes off. Don't you agree? And of course what man doesn't want to be handed a manual on how to make their spouse orgasm?

However, I think we should deal with the situation we have at hand. His wife is making progress and they can explore together. But that is just me.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi CN2622, I skimmed your other threads to get an idea of the setup, b/c quite frankly your title was off-putting. It sounds like you are both young and inexperienced and navigating sex and intimacy together as newlyweds. I think that is a beautiful thing, but you need to realize that it requires considerable patience, persistence and understanding. 

I've dealt with many of the issues your wife is dealing with now, and honestly, they are not unusual considering her age, experience and partner. It will take time for her to become more confident and conquer her body issues, but that can't happen without desire and persistence on her end. I agree with ccpowerslave, that your wife needs to take control of her pleasure and learn what pleases her.

Sex and intimacy is a developed skill, not everyone is born a Lothario or Mata Hari. Like other women on this thread, I didn't experience great sex until my current relationship at 40. Boy, I didn't know what I was missing! I am no model, I have body image issues like anyone else and I felt very self-conscious. Granted I never had issues getting naked, with the lights on or actively enjoying sex, but it took time to get comfortable enough to do other things. 

Like you, my bf was labeled a passive man, and he is in many ways. That is not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, not every man is cut out to be a club-wielding caveman. The onus is always on the person who wants things to happen to find a way to MAKE them happen. You need to develop leadership and make your wife feel comfortable enough to become vulnerable with you. My bf and I talked about his "development" in passing, he's not Tarzan, but I have ZERO complaints in the bedroom department. So here are some things he did I found very encouraging that put me at ease:

1. He was never critical of me, and that man can be brutally honest
2. He is very patient. Like, will wait for months-years for me to progress as my pace patient. 
3. All sex talk occurred when sex couldn't happen so there was no immediate pressure.
4. He is very observant and has developed is ability to "read the vibe" and go with it
5. If he wants to try a position, he will sort of move us to it without interrupting our vibe and killing the mood. That initiative is very attractive!

I'm sure there are other things, and maybe other people add to the practical "how to's", but that's what I've noticed. I will say this, women have so much pressure sexuall, you can't be too sexual, b/c it'll destroy your man's ego, but if you're not sexual enough, you're repressed. 

I know men have their own issues, but at the end of the day, both of you love each other, so remember that, and remind your wife how much you love her and want to share close emotional intimacy and pleasure with her to tighten the strength of the bonds you already share. Let her know gently, marriage is a sexual relationship, and you are in it to win it with her.

Anyway, you seem to be willing to learn, and not too self-conscious to examine yourself critically, as you came to ask now, and not 10 years from now. Keep trying and don't ever be discouraged, but you have to lead and she will follow.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CareBear143 said:


> About 75 *percent* of all *women* never reach orgasm from intercourse alone -- that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue.
> 
> Most require clitoral stimulation.


A known fact. Hence, the dire recommendations that she experiment herself, if shy, to so she can determine if she desires to what areas of the clitoris and clitoral shaft if stimulated feels best to her. Including outer areas and more - without getting too graphic. 

She can then share her preferences and how she achieved an O, when she did.

But if they haven't shared whether she has, hasn't, or tried to experiment between them, that's the hold up.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Agreed. This is the elephant in the room.

It’s like trying to run before you can walk.

Remember you must learn to fly before you can soar with the eagles!

You must learn to swim before you can dive with the dolphins.

Don’t put the cart before the horse.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm going to ply the other side of the fence for a second here.

This was my wife. Rarely if ever masturbated, and we did not have sex before marriage. On our honeymoon, she said "I guess we'd better figure out how to do this" - which for her meant to learn how to enjoy missionary sex. It took a year, but we succeeded. No hands, no toys, no assistance, just the right combination of motion, speed, and pressure.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't think he should pressure her to O by herself. There are many women particularly young women who don't masturbate. If she does, great he can ask her what does it for her. But to pressure her to do something she isn't in too when they are both so inexperienced isn't good.
> 
> I know I don't masturbate because honestly it doesn't do much for me. I prefer my husband. I'm old and not sexually repressed these days and I still don't masturbate. We have toys.
> 
> And at that age and level of experience if someone told me I had to figure it out so I could tell them. Well I think I would have given up.


This raises an interesting question. Different women get different things out of sex (men too I would imagine but I'm focusing on women now since I am one and we're talking about a wife).

Some women have sex to procreate.

Some women have sex to make their man happy.

Some women have sex because they enjoy the closeness and intimacy.

Some women have sex to feel good physically whether an orgasm is involved or not.

Of course these are not mutually exclusive.....they can all factor in to some degree.

So I'd say that it would be helpful to know what motivates her. Whether she can give herself one is helpful to know because it suggests that she knows what is needed for that, but orgasm may not be her primary concern.

I like sex because I enjoy being close to my bf, and because I feel close to him I am able to let go and feel good. 

I've had my share of orgasms so I think that my sisters who haven't had one are missing out, but it isn't necessarily a huge concern for a lot of women.

So OP, what do you think motivates your wife to have sex? That's a good starting point.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> This raises an interesting question. Different women get different things out of sex (men too I would imagine but I'm focusing on women now since I am one and we're talking about a wife).
> 
> Some women have sex to procreate.
> 
> ...


I haven’t asked my wife this but we have made some progress recently with all the suggestions here so I am eternally grateful and appreciate all the tips and advice I have been given. I really appreciate the maturity of everyone here. My wife has really always had an issue when we get started and we use lube so this is one area I am still struggling. She has asked her doctor and she does not have any medical problems.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Good report. Just don't put too much pressure on her. It might help to sometimes engage in foreplay with no intentions of progressing to sex (unless she pushes for it.) She needs to be comfortable with you exploring her without her waiting for the moment you climb on board. tl;dr: Be patient.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Thanks again for that advice. We have been trying to be more touchy feely during the day. The last time we were intimate the other night she was able to get on top for a little bit while leaving a shirt on so I consider this a win. We tried a position where she put her legs on my shoulders and that seemed to get a positive response. I appreciate everyone being so supportive and I finally feel like my wife and I are connecting physically and emotionally.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

That’s great news CN.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> That’s great news CN.


We have had some setbacks with wanting to cover up but she has seem to want to be more intimate more times during the week which is a big change.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> Thanks again for that advice. We have been trying to be more touchy feely during the day. The last time we were intimate the other night she was able to get on top for a little bit while leaving a shirt on so I consider this a win. We tried a position where she put her legs on my shoulders and that seemed to get a positive response. I appreciate everyone being so supportive and I finally feel like my wife and I are connecting physically and emotionally.


That's fantastic news, but don't push her. Let her progress at her own pace, so long as she is progressing. You're having to win her trust and she is having to learn to trust her own feelings. To win her trust, you have to deserve it. When you're playing with her without it necessarily being a move to have intercourse, she will get the message that you're there for HER and not just for yourself. 

tl;dr: Be patient.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Sfort said:


> That's fantastic news, but don't push her. Let her progress at her own pace, so long as she is progressing. You're having to win her trust and she is having to learn to trust her own feelings. To win her trust, you have to deserve it. When you're playing with her without it necessarily being a move to have intercourse, she will get the message that you're there for HER and not just for yourself.
> 
> tl;dr: Be patient.


Yes I never push or make it seem like I am upset if things don’t progress.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> Yes I never push or make it seem like I am upset if things don’t progress.


Be careful. She can read your mind.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Thanks everyone. I am trying to be positive and respectful


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> Thanks everyone. I am trying to be positive and respectful


You forgot patient.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

If a young woman needs lube she may also need more foreplay. What are you doing before Penis in vagina?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> If a young woman needs lube she may also need more foreplay. What are you doing before Penis in vagina?


I do feel like this is an area that is a little hard for both of us to get comfortable with.


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> My wife has really always had an issue when we get started and we use lube so this is one area I am still struggling. She has asked her doctor and she does not have any medical problems.


So? Needing lube is nothing to be ashamed about. With my wife and I, there are times when things are a little dry and we reach for the lube. And trust me, she’s a very sexual person.

Don’t worry about it and pick up some to keep on hand.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

To make it more exciting for you both try the flavoured oils. There is also a cream you can get to make her clitoris more sensitive. Don't know if you can order from Anne Summers where you are. I will message you some links of stuff you could both try if you want. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> To make it more exciting for you both try the flavoured oils. There is also a cream you can get to make her clitoris more sensitive. Don't know if you can order from Anne Summers where you are. I will message you some links of stuff you could both try if you want.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Sure that would be fine with me.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> Sure that would be fine with me.


Cool. I will post some links tomorrow or Monday. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Sparta3 (May 8, 2021)

I would ask her to show what she dies if she is pleasuring herself and do that to her. Otherwise if she doesn't do that, experiment with touching and ask her to tell you if it feels good. Give her a massage or try it in the bath. Get some toys and experiment. 

Has she been sexually traumatized in the past? Maybe she needs therapy and help.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Sparta3 said:


> I would ask her to show what she dies if she is pleasuring herself and do that to her. Otherwise if she doesn't do that, experiment with touching and ask her to tell you if it feels good. Give her a massage or try it in the bath. Get some toys and experiment.
> 
> Has she been sexually traumatized in the past? Maybe she needs therapy and help.


I have asked her this recently and age gives very little feedback. She did recently say she liked the pillow underneath so we have tried that more.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> I do feel like this is an area that is a little hard for both of us to get comfortable with.


That’s like saying you are wanting to go on a trip but aren’t comfortable putting gas in the car. 

Foreplay is where you get comfortable and get aroused and stimulated. It is the fuel for sex.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> That’s like saying you are wanting to go on a trip but aren’t comfortable putting gas in the car.
> 
> Foreplay is where you get comfortable and get aroused and stimulated. It is the fuel for sex.


How do you learn to be good at foreplay when you have no experience?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> How do you learn to be good at foreplay when you have no experience?


"good" is subjective and in the eye of the beholder. 

At it's core, foreplay is basically kissing, touching, making out, holding each other's bodies close, stroking, kissing, nibbling, sucking etc etc on each other's bodies in a pleasurable manner. 

Some things will be more sexually arousing than others and some parts of each of your bodies will tend to be more arousing than others (ie "erogenous zones") 

It's like all things in the world, you get better by doing. 

It's a key and critical part of the process. It's where comfort and arousal come from, especially for women. Men need foreplay too but men often get aroused just by the sight of a woman. Women usually need to be touched and held and stoked and kissed etc for them to become aroused and stimulated.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

I had a setback last night but we have a hotel booked next weekend and I set up to have candle and wine prepared in the room. The room also has a large shower and tub so I am hoping this will be a chance for us to relax and just enjoy time together.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> I had a setback last night but we have a hotel booked next weekend and I set up to have candle and wine prepared in the room. The room also has a large shower and tub so I am hoping this will be a chance for us to relax and just enjoy time together.


For full player status get a dozen roses in the room. Bring bubble bath as well. These days places have only bath salts. Bubble bath is much more fun.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> I had a setback last night but we have a hotel booked next weekend and I set up to have candle and wine prepared in the room. The room also has a large shower and tub so I am hoping this will be a chance for us to relax and just enjoy time together.


If you're comfortable sharing, what was the setback?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> For full player status get a dozen roses in the room. Bring bubble bath as well. These days places have only bath salts. Bubble bath is much more fun.


Will do.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Sfort said:


> If you're comfortable sharing, what was the setback?


She went back to wanting to be covered up.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> She went back to wanting to be covered up.


Not a setback. Don't attach such major importance to such minor actions. I could give you life examples where this sort of behavior ultimately means nothing. 

Having said that, having sex under a sheet is not a bad thing. <story omitted as @Diana7 would kill me.>


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> For full player status get a dozen roses in the room. Bring bubble bath as well. These days places have only bath salts. Bubble bath is much more fun.


More fun and more likely to cause UTI's for women.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> More fun and more likely to cause UTI's for women.


Hmm. I don’t think my wife has ever had one since she has been with me. I particularly like if the hotel provides a rubber ducky. They’re very boring with bath salts but come to life with bubbles!


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

The time in the hotel was a dud I’m so discouraged and disappointed.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> The time in the hotel was a dud I’m so discouraged and disappointed.


Bah that sucks CN. I was actually wondering how that went.

So here’s one idea I don’t know if it will work for you but it has been working for me.

I literally just straight up tell my wife explicitly what I am going to do and what she needs to do. Here is an example.

Yesterday morning I wanted to have sex. When I saw my wife at lunch I asked her what color panties she had on. She said blue. I said blue is my favorite color you are going to show me later. She laughed and said ok.

Later happens. 

She says she has a sinus headache and she took a Tylenol. I said well what a shame because you said earlier you’d show off those blue panties for me. She says well I did say that. So I got a little show. She says ok well I don’t feel like PIV but I will give you a BJ if you want.

Nope. Sorry we are on team PIV. 

So I pulled up the covers and told her to get into my side of the bed. She did. Eventually she’s like ok so well that BJ. And I’m like how about instead I peel those little blue panties off. She was like hmm I’m not sure. So I’m like well I’m going to just peel those right off and then we’ll see what happens.

Needless to say I got the outcome I wanted.

The point of this story is, when the barrier comes up you say what you’re going to do and push through that barrier. If your wife has responsive desire like mine does once she gets going she is happy I made the effort.

This may or may not apply to you but I can say at least for me when I just make it happen it comes out how I want more often. She could have kicked me in the nuts I suppose...


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

My wife would not be happy if I keep pushing when she said she wasn’t in the mood. I am not sure how she would react to me asking about her underwear. I don’t really know what happened that caused us to go backwards but I feel discouraged but I am not shocked it happened.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

But I do understand your point and I will maybe take it into consideration.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> My wife would not be happy if I keep pushing when she said she wasn’t in the mood. I am not sure how she would react to me asking about her underwear. I don’t really know what happened that caused us to go backwards but I feel discouraged but I am not shocked it happened.


So I don’t know that mine is always happy with it either but she knows it is good for us to do it because I told her almost a year ago that if she does not come around then I won’t be around and she won’t have to worry about me making sexual advances at her ever again.

You’re still early on in your journey and probably nowhere near that point. I think it might be a good idea for you to check out Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and then as a follow up also Athol Kay’s “Married Man’s Sex Life Primer”. If you can stick them on a Kindle account then you don’t have to worry about your wife tripping over them. The work you need to do on yourself is best done without letting people in on it.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> So I don’t know that mine is always happy with it either but she knows it is good for us to do it because I told her almost a year ago that if she does not come around then I won’t be around and she won’t have to worry about me making sexual advances at her ever again.
> 
> You’re still early on in your journey and probably nowhere near that point. I think it might be a good idea for you to check out Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and then as a follow up also Athol Kay’s “Married Man’s Sex Life Primer”. If you can stick them on a Kindle account then you don’t have to worry about your wife tripping over them. The work you need to do on yourself is best done without letting people in on it.


Can I ask your age and what issues you and your wife had?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> Can I ask your age and what issues you and your wife had?


I posted this in a separate thread in private members area because I don’t want to pollute any advice you get here.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> The time in the hotel was a dud I’m so discouraged and disappointed.


That's disappointing. We don't know what went wrong, but whatever it was, you and she may want to see a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. I have to believe that your problems can be overcome in relatively short order, assuming she is willing. If you're having a problem with her refusing sex and there is not a pain component, you have a problem. It can likely be managed if she wants to save the marriage. If there is a pain component, her doctor needs to examine her again.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If it's a lack of passion for you, you need to figure that out as well, and decide if you can live the rest of your life like that.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

The one thing that is confusing me is everyone tells me about foreplay and every time we have been intimate she is never into that part of wanting it. She will just tell me from the start she is ready and then she doesn’t want much foreplay. Is this normal for a younger woman or do I need to maybe spend some more time in that area even if she says she is ready?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CN2622 said:


> The one thing that is confusing me is everyone tells me about foreplay and every time we have been intimate she is never into that part of wanting it. She will just tell me from the start she is ready and then she doesn’t want much foreplay. Is this normal for a younger woman or do I need to maybe spend some more time in that area even if she says she is ready?


Well, this is more evidence that she's perhaps not very attracted to you (maybe she isn't going to be attracted to anyone in life). When you are attracted to a man, generally you are naturally and passionately wanting to do foreplay type things.

I don't think your wife is going to change, no matter what hoops you jump through. This is the baseline of who she is sexually.

Lack of _experience_ doesn't mean lack of passion and desire. I'll refer you again to the many posts talking about inexperienced, teenage, even over the clothes hot and steamy situations--- of which I have had many, myself.

Is her lack of wanting foreplay more of an "I'm not into touching or being touched/kissed/explored/etc. with him so I'm going to play it off as I don't need any foreplay" OR is she so hot and excited and ready for you she wants to just skip the foreplay and have you RIGHT NOW because she just can't wait? The answer to that question will tell you a lot.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CN2622 said:


> The one thing that is confusing me is everyone tells me about foreplay and every time we have been intimate she is never into that part of wanting it. She will just tell me from the start she is ready and then she doesn’t want much foreplay. Is this normal for a younger woman or do I need to maybe spend some more time in that area even if she says she is ready?


I don't think it's a matter of not being attracted to you. She has a problem with sex and you have to be very patient, taking baby steps, in order for her to gain confidence in herself and be more open (pun not intended). Good luck!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

At this point you should really read NMMNG and Married Man’s Sex Life Primer.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> At this point you should really read NMMNG and Married Man’s Sex Life Primer.


Really? How is that going to work with a woman who has a psychological block towards sex?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Really? How is that going to work with a woman who has a psychological block towards sex?


She might also just not be a very sexual person, OR just not attracted to her husband.

The books might help him know he has choices about the relationship.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> She might also just not be a very sexual person, OR just not attracted to her husband.
> 
> The books might help him know he has choices about the relationship.


He knows he has choices... and both involve some degree of suffering.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Quad73 said:


> This is possibly a great insight into her interest and a breakthrough for you, do NOT overlook it!
> 
> #1: Do not look at it as a disinterest in foreplay.
> 
> ...


#1: Different people need varying amounts of foreplay. Maybe she is ready to get down, but she sounds pretty inhibited and uninspired in general. I'm not sure that being all hot and horny and wanting to get down to business is the reason. 

#2: Sometimes you need to apply the 300lb bearded woman principle to things. If for some reason you felt obligated to take care of a 300lb bearded woman, would you want her touching you and kissing you and having any more contact with you than necessary? Or would you want to suck it up and get her taken care of and get it over with as soon as possible? 

#3: I think this is very real possibility. Getting away to a hotel was worth a try. But hotel getaways can be great for couples that have a good foundation of mutual attraction and basic sexual compatibility but have just gotten bogged down with work and kids and bills etc and need to break away from all of those other distractions so they can reconnect and focus on each other. 

The problem is if sexual attraction or basic compatibility is an issue, as you stated above, it will simply add to the stress and make her more self-conscious and feel even more pressured to perform. It's kind of like saying -"here lets go somewhere else where we can really focus on doing something you don't really want to do and if you suck at it, I will really be disappointed and pissed." 

This situation likely requires actual professional assessment and intervention to address and not folk remedies and wives tales.

The hotel getaway was worth a try but the fact it bombed is probably a good indication that this situation may need some professional assistance.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> This situation likely requires actual professional assessment and intervention to address and not folk remedies and wives tales.


This ^^^ I doubt very much it has anything to do with sexual attraction or compatibility.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Really? How is that going to work with a woman who has a psychological block towards sex?


I agree with getting the books. I would also reccommend some of the works by Richard Cooper and Rollo Tomassi. 

The books are not to fix her issues with sex but rather to help him obtain the tools to help him better deal with it. In the process he may become more attractive to her and give her more confidence in him as a man which may in turn help her not be so inhibited and feel so threatened. 

Or it may make her even less sexually responsive to him but it would help him develop a strong spine and balls to where he can make an informed decision on whether to remain in this situation or end the relationship and find someone else that does dig him and responds to him sexually in the manner that he needs. 

In other words, the books are not to fix her, but rather assist him in becoming a better version of himself such that he can make the decisions and take the actions for his own well being.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> This ^^^ I doubt very much it has anything to do with sexual attraction or compatibility.


She may or may not be sexually attracted to him, but there is absolutely a major compatibility issue taking place.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> He knows he has choices... and both involve some degree of suffering.


The books can help mitigate and reduce the degree of suffering whichever decision he makes.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> The books can help mitigate and reduce the degree of suffering whichever decision he makes.


Maybe... I've read them, but I've never been a big fan of them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe... I've read them, but I've never been a big fan of them.


OK, but you haven't applied the principles and put them into action either.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Really? How is that going to work with a woman who has a psychological block towards sex?


What @oldshirt said is spot on. The books are not to help or change her, they’re to help or change him.

She seems to have serious issues that may need professional help. They went down this path once and bombed in their choice of counsel. She probably needs IC from a therapist who deals specifically with women like her. I’m guessing she will be reluctant to go down this path.

For his part, he needs to create the best most attractive package he can. He needs to get right mentally and gain confidence so that in the event of no improvement he takes the steps he needs to take. The books will help with that and help him to avoid problems like this in the future.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> OK, but you haven't applied the principles and put them into action either.


I did try. Didn't work. In fact, my wife ended up detaching. But my story is not important here. I read them, didn't like them much, tried anyway, got nowhere. I don't think they apply here. But that's my opinion.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> What @oldshirt said is spot on. The books are not to help or change her, they’re to help or change him.
> 
> She seems to have serious issues that may need professional help. They went down this path once and bombed in their choice of counsel. She probably needs IC from a therapist who deals specifically with women like her. I’m guessing she will be reluctant to go down this path.
> 
> For his part, he needs to create the best most attractive package he can. He needs to get right mentally and gain confidence so that in the event of no improvement he takes the steps he needs to take. The books will help with that and help him to avoid problems like this in the future.


As I said above, his wife has serious mental problems regarding sex. Applying the stuff described in those books won't work. They didn't work with my wife and her mental issues and at the time I wasn't fully aware of how bad they were. You are taking a sledgehammer approach.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Just copied this info for you. It may be useful. 

6 Ways To Make Your Shy Girl More Comfortable In Bed

By Matt Stoners

In Sex

Posted on March 29, 2018

[http://uk-webdesign]

Being timid during sex can affect the sexual life and the relationship. As you are thinking or imagining yourself having sex to your shy and awkward partner is just a “NO-NO” thing for you. But you don’t have to worry about this kind of scene. We have something for you that will truly help you making your shy girl more comfortable and confident in the bedroom.

Have more time together.

[http://uk-webdesign]
Her shyness goes away as you spend more time together. Plant several intimate date. If you feel she’s already comfortable with you, you can open up a conversation about sex. Start with an ordinary topic, just to make your communication at ease. A little bit of a just going with the flow thing and little by little target the convo towards having sex. Remember not to jump into it by telling your partner what you want immediately. Just do it in an old way. Know and identify the situation, present the problem and suggest a solution.

Take it slowly.

[http://uk-webdesign]
Women are amazed when men are slowing things down. So if you want to increase her emotional and sensual connection with you, avoid being aggressive. Your aggressive acts will only make her feel anxious. You can delicate a few minutes to cuddling and kissing. Being sensitive with her body language would help.

Make your intentions clear.

[http://uk-webdesign]
Be clear with what you want. Never start or even use such flowery words just to get her. You are merely presenting your suggestion, not demanding a change in a routine.

Discuss what is going to happen.

[http://uk-webdesign]
If both of you have arrived into an understanding with what you want, it is time to tell her exactly what is going to happen. It is not just like you are briefing for a mission, but talk about it in a normal tone and let things flow beyond conversation. When done right, it will probably lead to a magical foreplay.

Intensify the use of the 90:10 rule.

[http://uk-webdesign]
It is a principle of you making the first move while your partner closes the gap between the two of you. You’ve got to show what you’ve got. Make her comfortable as you wish to make in bed. Move in for a kiss 90% of the way and let your partner response as she moves the rest of the way in. Make the scene hot and sexy for the both of you. Foreplaying will boost her sensation and will help her to perform in bed actively. Lead the way but make sure to let her take charge as well.
Some women need a bit of understanding and lots of shaping to transform them from NOT to HOT. In a nutshell, if she’s shy, take the lead, show her love, compliment her, listen to what she says and don’t ever pressure her. We all have unique personalities. Be patient with your girl and help her feel comfortable with sex.




Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> As I said above, his wife has serious mental problems regarding sex. Applying the stuff described in those books won't work. They didn't work with my wife and her mental issues and at the time I wasn't fully aware of how bad they were. You are taking a sledgehammer approach.


You missed both of what @ccpowerslave and I were saying. The books are not to address her issues but give him the tools to advocate for his own best interests


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I did try. Didn't work. In fact, my wife ended up detaching. But my story is not important here. I read them, didn't like them much, tried anyway, got nowhere. I don't think they apply here. But that's my opinion.


You missed my point. 

The books are not to change her but to change yourself and see if she responds positively to those changes or not. 

One of the main tenets to that is if she does not respond in the manner that works for you, then you are in a better position to end the relationship and find someone else that does dig you. 

You have not done that. That was your choice. But you cannot blame the books for that choice nor for your celibacy. 

If you had followed the tenets of the books and left that relationship behind when it became clear that she was not going to desire you, you would likely be in a sexual relationship now.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

@oldshirt is 💯

You need to be ready to pull the trigger on it. Once you have peak value through the rest of the processes in the books you’re in a good position to do this.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Just copied this info for you. It may be useful.
> 
> 6 Ways To Make Your Shy Girl More Comfortable In Bed
> 
> ...


Sorry, but this is like stuff for virgin teens, not an adult married woman. Honestly... as a woman I found this article kinda offensive. It read to me like training a shy dog.

Also what's with calling her a "girl"?

Again, this is like for teens.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Sorry, but this is like stuff for virgin teens, not an adult married woman. Honestly... as a woman I found this article kinda offensive. It read to me like training a shy dog.
> 
> Also what's with calling her a "girl"?
> 
> Again, this is like for teens.


I understand your dismay and I can't say that that article will be all that helpful either. 

But in many ways she is more like a shy, virgin teen than an adult, married woman.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I understand your dismay and I can't say that that article will be all that helpful either.
> 
> But in many ways she is more like a shy, virgin teen than an adult, married woman.


If you need to sexually _coddle and cajole_ an adult, married woman THIS much, I think you should realize at a soon point that what you are doing to that person probably isn't healthy. It might be time to realize this is what it is, and make decisions about your own self (will this relationship work for you for the rest of your life?) rather than trying to manipulate and dog train sexual behavior changes in this person.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> If you need to sexually _coddle and cajole_ an adult, married woman THIS much, I think you should realize at a soon point that what you are doing to that person probably isn't healthy. It might be time to realize this is what it is, and make decisions about your own self (will this relationship work for you for the rest of your life?) rather than trying to manipulate and dog train sexual behavior changes in this person.


I agree with you in principle and agree that at some point this may irreconcilable. 

However we aren't suddenly bestowed with sexual wisdom and confidence on our 18th birthday and neither does a marriage give us those things either. 

Both adulthood and marriage are legal constructs and have nothing to do with a person's actual knowledge, wisdom, life experience, confidence or competence. They are merely legal benchmarks and legal contracts. 

Both the OP and his wife were sexually repressed, naive, virgins regardless of their legal status and now they having to fumble through this whether they are single 17 year olds or married, legal adults.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I agree with you in principle and agree that at some point this may irreconcilable.
> 
> However we aren't suddenly bestowed with sexual wisdom and confidence on our 18th birthday and neither does a marriage give us those things either.
> 
> ...


I would agree, if they were fumbling through TOGETHER. But they aren't, together. He's trying to change her behavior (with good reason), but it seems to be all him having to try to manipulate some passion and desire from her.

There's a difference between shy and inexperienced, and just having no sexual fire in you at all.

EDIT: I'm not sexually repressed, and I wasn't from high school on. Nor am I promiscuous, I've never had a one night stand, and never had sex with someone I wasn't in a long term relationship with. With that being said, in college I knew a guy named Fred. He was in my friend circle. He was really really interested in me. He was a sweet, nice, intelligent, cute guy, and we went on a couple of dates. I'm sure I could have ended up marrying him if I had wanted to, and he would have treated me well. But I had to stop dating him, because the fire wasn't there in me for him. I was bummed about that, but I knew I never could give him the passion he deserved, and it would have been cruel to deny him that. I knew the difference because I had had previous boyfriends in high school and college I couldn't keep my hands off of. I think OP really needs to think about if his wife is attracted to him, or if he's a Fred.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> or if he's a Fred.


Poor Fred...

Seriously though CN get the books we’re telling you about and read them. Follow the plan.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> You missed both of what @ccpowerslave and I were saying. The books are not to address her issues but give him the tools to advocate for his own best interests


You know very well, though, that he will do that with just one goal: get his wife to be more sexual. That's his best interest right now. And in the meantime, his wife will hate him. Don't give people the wrong tools, please.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> You missed my point.
> 
> The books are not to change her but to change yourself and see if she responds positively to those changes or not.


His wife has psychological problems. What you are advocating is for people with a certain degree of normality. It just doesn't work. It will make things a lot worse. People with mental issues do not behave the same way.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> You know very well, though, that he will do that with just one goal: get his wife to be more sexual. That's his best interest right now. And in the meantime, his wife will hate him. Don't give people the wrong tools, please.


If his wife hates him, then his best interests will be to get away from her and find someone else that digs him. 

These are tools that will help him do that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> These are tools that will help him do that.


yes, getting is wife to hate him... ok, I think we agree to disagree on this one.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> His wife has psychological problems. What you are advocating is for people with a certain degree of normality. It just doesn't work. It will make things a lot worse. People with mental issues do not behave the same way.


Yeah, as you say in that case you need a professional (medical or otherwise).

It’s still not a bad idea to get yourself together.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> yes, getting is wife to hate him... ok, I think we agree to disagree on this one.





In Absentia said:


> yes, getting is wife to hate him... ok, I think we agree to disagree on this one.


If she is going to hate a better version of himself, then what does that say about her and her motives? 

How would it not be in his better interests to leave? 

If she hates him, how would it not be in HER better interests if the relationship ends?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> If she is going to hate a better version of himself, then what does that say about her and her motives?
> 
> How would it not be in his better interests to leave?
> 
> If she hates him, how would it not be in HER better interests if the relationship ends?


She is going to think that he is doing that to force her to have sex with him. When you have a problem, anything that is felt as a trick to make yourself doing something you don't want to do, it backfires. You are massively underestimating her mental block. You keep assuming she is like every other woman. This woman has sex with her clothes on and the light off.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> She is going to think that he is doing that to force her to have sex with him. When you have a problem, anything that is felt as a trick to make yourself doing something you don't want to do, it backfires. You are massively underestimating her mental block. You keep assuming she is like every other woman. This woman has sex with her clothes on and the light off.


Where have I even implied that I think she is like every other woman? If you look back at one of my earlier posts, I say that teenage girls can have more passion and less inhibition. 

You are still missing the point. This isn't about her. It's about him and helping him have the tools to live the best life for him and for his own best interests. 

His best interests may include leaving her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> His wife has psychological problems. What you are advocating is for people with a certain degree of normality. It just doesn't work. It will make things a lot worse. People with mental issues do not behave the same way.


You are assuming the wife has mental issues. Yes, she has body issues. But I wonder if a lot of what's going on is that she just isn't attracted to him! I think it's a disservice to solving the issues to chalk it up to mental issues. 

He needs to figure out which it is so he can make informed decisions. 

If i had the $$ I'd bet a lot that 90% of the issue is that she's not attracted to him.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

I sat down last night and asked her if she was attracted to me and she told me that she is and she admitted she has felt lost and knows she is causing me stress in the bedroom. She wrote down a list of concerns and then we talked about ways maybe we could address those concerns. I told her that if she needs to be covered up I understand and support her as long as she is attracted to me and she isn’t doing it because she doesn’t want to be intimate. She assured me that isn’t the case and said she knows she can get to a place where she would be comfortable wearing less clothes. She is going to go shopping with a close friend this weekend who she said she feels comfortable opening up to about our issues.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CN2622 said:


> I sat down last night and asked her if she was attracted to me and she told me that she is and she admitted she has felt lost and knows she is causing me stress in the bedroom. She wrote down a list of concerns and then we talked about ways maybe we could address those concerns. I told her that if she needs to be covered up I understand and support her as long as she is attracted to me and she isn’t doing it because she doesn’t want to be intimate. She assured me that isn’t the case and said she knows she can get to a place where she would be comfortable wearing less clothes. She is going to go shopping with a close friend this weekend who she said she feels comfortable opening up to about our issues.


Actions speak louder than words. Not trying to be a downer, but it's much more than the clothes wearing (I thought you said that got better?). It's worrisome she also isn't into foreplay. Is she ever wanting to touch you all over, kiss you everywhere?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Actions speak louder than words. Not trying to be a downer, but it's much more than the clothes wearing (I thought you said that got better?). It's worrisome she also isn't into foreplay. Is she ever wanting to touch you all over, kiss you everywhere?


It had gotten somewhat better and then we had a setback last week. I appreciate all your help and skepticism.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CN2622 said:


> It had gotten somewhat better and then we had a setback last week. I appreciate all your help and skepticism.


I think what you are doing is the right approach. But I seem to be the only one here...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Would you care to share her list of concerns?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Would you care to share her list of concerns?


1) She doesn’t like her stomach and thigh area showing.
2) Has some pain in the beginning but has been assured by the doctor nothing is wrong. 
3) Feels I don’t initiate enough
4) Thinks I must be bored with her because of her insecurities.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CN2622 said:


> 1) She doesn’t like her stomach and thigh area showing.
> 2) Has some pain in the beginning but has been assured by the doctor nothing is wrong.
> 3) Feels I don’t initiate enough
> 4) Thinks I must be bored with her because of her insecurities.


I'd look into the refusing foreplay. Does she even kiss you???? This is an important question.

Stomach and thigh area means she wants to wear tops and bottoms for sex, right?. Which means you will never get to have sex with an unclothed woman in your entire life unless she addresses this.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is her being totally naked important to you? People have been having sex since the dawn of time without being fully unclothed. A nightgown facilitates sex better than pajamas.

It can take some women years to be comfortable enough to shed all clothing. Especially if she runs to the cold side. Since summer is coming, will she be wearing a swimsuit? Maybe you can get her to wear her swimsuit with a little pareo to cover part of her thighs around the house. Let her break in that way.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I'd look into the refusing foreplay. Does she even kiss you???? This is an important question.
> 
> Stomach and thigh area means she wants to wear tops and bottoms for sex, right?. Which means you will never get to have sex with an unclothed woman in your entire life unless she addresses this.


She does kiss me. She has been more interested lately in being a little more open to not having bottoms in but you are right I need to decide.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Is her being totally naked important to you? People have been having sex since the dawn of time without being fully unclothed. A nightgown facilitates sex better than pajamas.
> 
> It can take some women years to be comfortable enough to shed all clothing. Especially if she runs to the cold side. Since summer is coming, will she be wearing a swimsuit? Maybe you can get her to wear her swimsuit with a little pareo to cover part of her thighs around the house. Let her break in that way.


No it isn’t important to me at this point that she be naked and I realize maybe I am overemphasizing this. She does have a night gown that another person on her suggest and that has helped somewhat. I just want to make her feel beautiful.

She does not like being in a swimsuit and definitely would not wear something like a bikini.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

CN2622 said:


> The one thing that is confusing me is everyone tells me about foreplay and every time we have been intimate she is never into that part of wanting it. She will just tell me from the start she is ready and then she doesn’t want much foreplay. Is this normal for a younger woman or do I need to maybe spend some more time in that area even if she says she is ready?


She might be mentally ready, but her body is clearly not physically ready if you two need lube. If she's that inexperienced, she may not even know what feeling aroused is like, to be able to tell you she's physically ready. The foreplay is what gets a woman physically ready. You can't really skip that part, even if she tells you otherwise. She's so inexperienced she doesn't realize how important it is.

Most men just have to look at their wife and they'll be ready for sex easily and quickly. It doesn't work like that for most women at all. Some women have responsive desire, and their brain has zero thoughts about sex until some external force acts upon them, and then they slowly respond to that force until they are ready. It is neither easy nor quick. And if you proceed to actual sex without that phase, it's not going to be physically pleasant for her, so then she's going to want it even less.

So build her up to that state of arousal. You can be doing casual foreplay all day long. Flirt with her. Do more drive-by kissing throughout the day as your paths cross in the house. When you're doing tasks together, brush up against her. Occasionally make it a sexual touch, like a stroke to the side of her breast, or along her hip. Then move on with the chore. When it comes to actual sex, amp up the foreplay first. Kiss longer, stroke more, etc.

It sounds like she also has a lot of negative body image to overcome. Women are inundated with perfect bodies on TV, Instagram, advertising, etc and internalize the view that THOSE are what are considered sexy. Then when they fall short, and of course they will because those bodies are based on photoshop, fancy lighting and photography techniques, professional levels of fitness, and the top 1% of physical standards, they feel like they must not be sexy at all. So then they don't want anyone looking at them, or don't believe that anyone looking at them could find them sexy. They certainly don't FEEL sexy. It's mental conditioning; you have to undo it, which is a slow process. Compliment her. If she complains about something, don't address it. You can't just disagree with her, because your opinion of her body will not overcome the weight of society telling her otherwise. You have to redirect it. For example, if she says "My stomach is so pudgy, I can't let anyone see it," you say something like "I love how soft your skin is when I run my fingers across it" and then reach under her shirt and do that.

What was her sex education like? Has she been taught that sex is dirty and wrong and she just has to do it to keep her husband happy but doesn't expect it to feel good? Has she been conditioned to suppress any arousal she may experience as 'sinful?' Does she masturbate? What is her reaction when love scenes come on in movies or TV you are watching together?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The "casual foreplay all day long" only works if it's from a man you're hot for/chemically attracted to. It would be annoying from someone you aren't passionate about, and do nothing to arouse.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I'd look into the refusing foreplay. Does she even kiss you???? This is an important question.


#2 could very well be related to the foreplay issue. 

She may tell you she doesn't want it, but that does not necessarily mean that she doesn't NEED it. 

Pain during sex is actually a huge and serious issue that can quickly lead to an actual sex aversion and completely poison your love life and have lasting ramifications. 

Don't believe me? Have her stick something dry up your butt any time you bring up sex and see how much longer sex is even discussed at your house. 

A young healthy woman with no infections or medical issues should not be having pain. She is likely not adequately aroused and ready for penetration, even if she feels wet to the touch. 

The vagina is actually very similar to the penis (they are the same fetal tissue during fetal development). The vagina actually has lots of erectile tissue very similar to the erectile tissue of the penis and during arousal the vagina will engorge and swell and become ready to accept a penis. 

It may feel wet to touch prior to full engorgement and things are stuck in there prior to being fully ready, it can cause discomfort. Any physical contact in that area prior to arousal is often uncomfortable. 

It typically takes the vagina longer to reach it's ready than a penis does. 

So again, even though she may want much foreplay per se, she may very well need it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You probably have mentioned this, OP... but what are you getting? Just missionary with a fully clothed woman? Do you have a lamp on or is it total darkness? How long does the intercourse last? Does she orgasm?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I can't remember if this has been covered - is there trauma in her past related to sex or self-image?

And then another question unrelated to the above - what is her cultural background?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

CN2622 said:


> My wife was able to be intimate last night with me with some light candles and no clothing on. My question is after we talked and she said she wants to try new things but then when we are intimate *she is always very quiet and just kind of lays there.* I don’t want to insult her and tell her sometimes I am bored. I have told her I would like to try new things also but we never do. I don’t want to push her too far since we were able to get undressed together last night.


have her get on top!
get some sexually intense movies for you to watch as a couple, and expose her to new things she can try.
get her some sexy lingerie to wear.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> have her get on top!
> get some sexually intense movies for you to watch as a couple, and expose her to new things she can try.
> get her some sexy lingerie to wear.


I think you should read his threads. She's not gonna do any of that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think you should read his threads. She's not gonna do any of that.


Yeah....women with poor body image are less likely to be willing to be on top.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah....women with poor body image are less likely to be willing to be on top.


one thing that works fabulously well, get a stretchy body suit, see thru, in RED! Enjoy how it turns him on! ANY woman can wear that, just act sexy when it is on.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> one thing that works fabulously well, get a stretchy body suit, see thru, in RED! Enjoy how it turns him on! ANY woman can wear that, just act sexy when it is on.


What are your feelings about neon yellow?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> What are your feelings about neon yellow?


i am thinking SEXY!

Purple could work too!


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah....women with poor body image are less likely to be willing to be on top.


Yes this has gone very poorly whenever I have suggested it and has recently lead to a lot of regression and makes me feel like I failed again.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

CN2622 said:


> Yes this has gone very poorly whenever I have suggested it and has recently lead to a lot of regression and makes me feel like I failed again.


So the thing is, you’re not failing just by asking her to try being on top. I’m sure you know this which is why you say you “feel like I failed” rather than actually failed.

I really think her issues are outside TAM’s pay grade. She might need a psychologist.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> Yes this has gone very poorly whenever I have suggested it and has recently lead to a lot of regression and makes me feel like I failed again.


It appears that your problems are more deeply rooted than normal. It's more than just her being shy. You and she need to find a counselor experienced in these matters. Hopefully you can get through this.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> It appears that your problems are more deeply rooted than normal. It's more than just her being shy. You and she need to find a counselor experienced in these matters. Hopefully you can get through this.


Yeah, this isn't remotely the average sexual experience. You either need intense, extreme counseling (she does, really, not you) or a divorce.


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## Absentminded (Aug 28, 2019)

Do you ever spend quality time together where there isn’t the expectation of doing anything sexual? Do you just have fun together and enjoy spending time together? Or is this issue around sex all you think and talk about and always in the background? Do you think that your wife feels pressure to be sexy and sexual? 

I know that in my relationship with my husband, if all he thought about and talked about was something like this I would feel overwhelmed and pressured and less likely to want to do anything. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Absentminded said:


> Do you ever spend quality time together where there isn’t the expectation of doing anything sexual? Do you just have fun together and enjoy spending time together? Or is this issue around sex all you think and talk about and always in the background? Do you think that your wife feels pressure to be sexy and sexual?
> 
> I know that in my relationship with my husband, if all he thought about and talked about was something like this I would feel overwhelmed and pressured and less likely to want to do anything.
> 
> ...


This husband has dealt with a very non sexual type relationship, from his threads, and does not come off as sexually aggressive, at all, either.


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## Absentminded (Aug 28, 2019)

Livvie said:


> This husband has dealt with a very non sexual type relationship, from his threads, and does not come off as sexually aggressive, at all, either.


I’ve read the whole thread and I know that the OP’s approach has been very gentle so I didn’t mean in a sexually aggressive way. But I wonder whether talking about the problem often and it always lingering over any time they spend together may have a negative impact. 

Booking a hotel for the weekend is a lovely idea but if it comes with the expectation of sexual contact it can become overwhelming which in turn can have the opposite effect of shutting someone down. 

I write as someone who has struggled with having intercourse for nearly 20 years. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Absentminded said:


> I’ve read the whole thread and I know that the OP’s approach has been very gentle so I didn’t mean in a sexually aggressive way. But I wonder whether talking about the problem often and it always lingering over any time they spend together may have a negative impact.
> 
> Booking a hotel for the weekend is a lovely idea but if it comes with the expectation of sexual contact it can become overwhelming which in turn can have the opposite effect of shutting someone down.
> 
> ...


But here's the thing.... For an average, young married couple, a weekend getaway to a hotel will include sexual experiences. For it to be _overwhelming_ for sexual contact between young married people on a weekend getaway to be expected is what the issue IS. 

Isn't it best to look at the issue face instead of tip toeing around it and catering to it?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> one thing that works fabulously well, get a stretchy body suit, see thru, in RED! Enjoy how it turns him on! ANY woman can wear that, just act sexy when it is on.


Women who feel overweight DO NOT want stretchy body suits.

The nightgown is much better.

Also work on loving her in an accepting way to help her see that her body turns you on. That imperfection isn't a problem.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your wife might well benefit from a sport that makes her feel strong. 

Does she run? How about martial arts? Biking?

I do all 3 and I feel bad ass enough to not care about my stretch marks. When I don't feel strong I don't feel as good about myself in general.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Women who feel overweight DO NOT want stretchy body suits.
> 
> The nightgown is much better.
> 
> Also work on loving her in an accepting way to help her see that her body turns you on. That imperfection isn't a problem.


i know for a fact that they DO look great on women in that situation


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Your wife might well benefit from a sport that makes her feel strong.
> 
> Does she run? How about martial arts? Biking?
> 
> I do all 3 and I feel bad ass enough to not care about my stretch marks. When I don't feel strong I don't feel as good about myself in general.


I wish she did do something and felt like a badass. I feel like she needs your mentality.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

I have had some more recent positives happen but I was sure people were sick of hearing my story and I didn’t want to sound like a complainer in this community of very helpful and supportive people but if people tell me they want to hear my updates I will share. I am feeling about 25% better these days which I consider an improvement.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Good to hear CN!


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah....women with poor body image are less likely to be willing to be on top.


Yeah I have given up and am just accepting that her feeling the need to cover up is part of life for now and I have to take little steps. I need to realize it isn’t all sunshine and roses every single day and I am lucky I found the woman I love.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> i know for a fact that they DO look great on women in that situation


looking great doesn't translate to a woman feeling comfortable wearing it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> looking great doesn't translate to a woman feeling comfortable wearing it.


yes true.
but seeing her erect partner in an uncontrollable lust will quickly convince her.

it is important to realize that your partner may not actually want a woman who is a size 4. And the fact that you two are married and in love, makes his ardor even stronger for you


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> yes true.
> but seeing her erect partner in an uncontrollable lust will quickly convince her.
> 
> it is important to realize that your partner may not actually want a woman who is a size 4. And the fact that you two are married and in love, makes his ardor even stronger for you


HIs partner is having body issues and self confidence issues. You believe he hasn't been erect for her before and an erection will cure everything?


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> HIs partner is having body issues and self confidence issues. You believe he hasn't been erect for her before and an erection will cure everything?


Yeah not to give tmi details but I’m completely lost on what this person is suggesting. My wife has seen me naked.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> Yeah not to give tmi details but I’m completely lost on what this person is suggesting. My wife has seen me naked.


He is suggesting that you buy your wife a red body suit to prance around in and that after she see how much you are made excited/hard then she won't have any more issues with confidence or her own self critical body issues.

It just doesn't work like that. The idea isn't bad in that the more you tell her you love her body, how just looking at her turns you on. That she is perfect for you then the more safe and confident she will feel as long as it comes across sincere and not just to get sex or fake. My husband and I are older, not in shape but we both feel confident when it comes to sex because we both love each other and accept each other for the bodies we have.

One of the ideas I came to after many years of marriage that really helped me with the body issues and the lighting. My husband doesn't look at porn and doesn't ogle other women. So one day I read somewhere,

As a married woman yours is the only body he gets to look at. Let him enjoy it.

Shortly after that we got a bedroom light with a dimmer switch.

It really kind of touched on something for me at least. My breast may be uneven sized and may not be perky like a 20 year old porn star. But he doesn't look at those. Mine are the only ones he gets to look at. He's made it plain he appreciates mine and loves to look and touch them even if I'm not a model. Your wife is young and all of instagram and the internet and tv are filled with 'perfect' bodies and touched up everything.

She is probably very insecure about her body. Hopefully you don't do things that undermine her confidence like say stuff.....' I love your body but I wish you'd lose weight. You'd be perfect if your thighs were slimmer.' Or watch porn or ogle women. Those thing will wear at her self confidence.

Any time you get to see any part of her even 1/2 naked. Stare for just the quickest moment and tell her how beautiful she is.

Edited to add: Don't dismiss her feelings about her body. They are valid feelings. BUT make sure you let her know that you don't agree with her. You find her sexy as is. You want her as is. You'd like to touch her, look at her, make love to her as is.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Thank you everyone. I am trying to take all advice everyone has given me. My wife is sharing my account now and reading all responses and posts with me. She has said it has been eye opening to read some things and honestly this last week has been the best point in our marriage so far.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It's probably a good idea that she's here. The truth is, she has some psychological hangups that are going to be problematic for the long term success of your marriage. They can be treated. They are not a life sentence if she's willing to address them. Counseling may help. It may take a long while. If you two love each other and are committed, you should be able to work through these problems. Just don't get frustrated, throw up your hands, and quit. Sex can be one of the exciting and satisfying things you will ever do. When things don't go well, the frustration builds on top of frustration. Don't let that frustration destroy the marriage. 

It would be helpful to hear her side of the story. What she has to say might be totally different from what you have had to say. For example, how is the actual act of sex for her? Is it painful? If so, does the pain diminish after you start? Why does she want to have sex with her clothes on? Is she ashamed of her body?

Married couples have to be very open with each. You share the most intimate and personal aspects of life and parts of your bodies. Some places (anal) are off limits for some couples, but at least most of the rest should be fair game. 

As @LisaDiane mentioned, maybe she's struggling with body dysmorphia disorder. If so, there is treatment.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Wife here and this is my answer:

For example, how is the actual act of sex for her? Not entirely comfortable going into great detail on this question but it is fine for me I just do struggle to not think that he is staring at my body’s imperfection. I have shared this with him and I realize he is trying but I still struggle that I’m not a size zero.

Is it painful? If so, does the pain diminish after you start? yes and no.

Why does she want to have sex with her clothes on? Is she ashamed of her body? Yes I am a size 10 to 12ish depending on the store. I used to be smaller and my husband is the only guy who has seen my body. I just feel comfortable leaving a shirt on and I know at times it is hurting my husband and I am trying to work on myself.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> Wife here and this is my answer:
> 
> For example, how is the actual act of sex for her? Not entirely comfortable going into great detail on this question but it is fine for me I just do struggle to not think that he is staring at my body’s imperfection. I have shared this with him and I realize he is trying but I still struggle that I’m not a size zero.
> 
> ...


I just started reading these posts yesterday and while it has been hard and awkward to hear at times I’m glad I did read them and I am going to try to be a better wife.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Thanks for responding. Since the forum is anonymous, we do get very personal here. It's for your benefit.

If there is pain, you should go back to the doctor. If your hymen is not fully broken or if your husband is too large (I told you we get personal), there are ways for dealing with it.

Please listen to what I'm telling you. Gaining weight is a fact of life. If you guys ever have kids, you're going to have a MAJOR problem with your weight. It does sound like you have BDD, at least to an extent. Consider meeting with a counselor who deals with it. You're afraid that your husband will not like what he sees. That fear is unfounded. He wants to know and loves every square inch of your body. Even if his body is perfect now, it won't be forever.

You can handle this. Just don't ignore it hoping it will go away. Walk into the bedroom tonight totally naked. If you can't, please get some help. You need to be able to do it without hesitation. By the way, based on what he has posted here, there's no doubt that your husband loves you deeply. Work on this issue for BOTH of you. Good luck!


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

I have been to the doctor also no medical issue and I do not have past trauma.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> I just started reading these posts yesterday and while it has been hard and awkward to hear at times I’m glad I did read them and I am going to try to be a better wife.


We were typing at the same time. In my opinion, saying that you will "try to be a better wife" is counterproductive. You are not doing anything wrong. You are not shutting down your relationship just to be mean. You're willing to work on the issue. Now go do it. You're both missing out on the equivalent of a trip to Disney World every night you get into bed. Okay, that's a little exaggeration, but not by much.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> I have been to the doctor also no medical issue and I do not have past trauma.


He mentioned that you have been to the doctor. With pain, either you're not lubricated well enough, you're not excited enough, or he is too large for now. All of the above can be solved. There is a physical reason for the pain. Maybe the doctor missed it. It's great that you have no past trauma. Now you need to get rid of the trauma you feel when you take your clothes off in front of your husband. It's the same emotion.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

CN2622 said:


> .....
> Why does she want to have sex with her clothes on? Is she ashamed of her body? Yes I am a size 10 to 12ish depending on the store. I used to be smaller and my husband is the only guy who has seen my body. I just feel comfortable leaving a shirt on and I know at times it is hurting my husband and I am trying to work on myself.


the idea is, if you are wearing clothing anyway, why not wear SEXY clothing. Something not too revealing, but that is somewhat see thru. A lace stretch is perfect because if shows the important parts of your body that you WANT your husband to see, while muting the parts that you want somewhat concealed.

i am having trouble figuring out why this is not kind of obvious! 

And as you find your husband very pleased with this, eventually you will start having more confidence in your body. it is all part of re-learning how to act sexy


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> the idea is, if you are wearing clothing anyway, why not wear SEXY clothing. Something not too revealing, but that is somewhat see thru. A lace stretch is perfect because if shows the important parts of your body that you WANT your husband to see, while muting the parts that you want somewhat concealed.
> 
> i am having trouble figuring out why this is not kind of obvious!
> 
> And as you find your husband very pleased with this, eventually you will start having more confidence in your body. it is all part of re-learning how to act sexy


Because I don’t feel sexy covered in lace.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CN2622 said:


> Because I don’t feel sexy covered in lace.


Oh


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Can you do it for him?


As a female, I found this comment offensive for some reason, that was my first reaction. Lace isn't the issue or the answer, here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> So the thing is, you’re not failing just by asking her to try being on top. I’m sure you know this which is why you say you “feel like I failed” rather than actually failed.
> 
> I really think her issues are outside TAM’s pay grade. She might need a psychologist.


The same is true of him. A little professional help would do them both good.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

this is not specifically related to this one thread, nor may it apply here.
but here are some women i feel are dressed in a VERY sexy way, but who might otherwise have had body issues at some point in their lives.









55+ Black Owned Plus Size Clothing Brands You Can Support Right Now


Here's a list of over 55+ black owned plus size clothing brands you can support. From plus size black designers to trendy plus size clothing boutiques, this list features some of the best.




stylishcurves.com


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Livvie said:


> As a female, I found this comment offensive for some reason, that was my first reaction. Lace isn't the issue or the answer, here.


Weird


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Thanks everyone. Can we close this thread?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CN2622 said:


> Thanks everyone. Can we close this thread?


Ask a mod and they will take care of it for you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Weird


Before the thread gets closed... it's not weird. If you have body issues, exposing some parts of your body is difficult, so why would you "decorate" them in lace to make them stand out even more?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Before the thread gets closed... it's not weird. If you have body issues, exposing some parts of your body is difficult, so why would you "decorate" them in lace to make them stand out even more?


I'm out of this conversation. It's too weird for me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Weird


I agree with Livvie . While there's nothing wrong with doing something for your partner because they like it, it's not going to make a hill of beans difference in how she feels about herself.

In fact, this isn't about him. This is about her confidence and self esteem as a woman and needs to be dealt with as such. Her sucking up things "for him" accomplishes nothing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sister, we would love to help you....especially us women. We understand where you're coming from.

If you still want this thread closed let me know and I will do it for you.

Please consider PM'ing one of us ladies.....we can talk.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

CN2622 said:


> Because I don’t feel sexy covered in lace.


Mrs. @CN2622 , 

I just wanted to throw in my two cents, because I completely agree with you. 

Physically, I'm a short little thing--not quite 5 feet tall!--and I am most definitely NOT a size 2! LOL I can wear a tight size medium and a more comfortable size large, so I tell people I'm built like a hobbit. I am! Here's the thing I realized: I look at my own body and see thunder thighs and a tummy and big hips and even bigger... "top." In my own head, I criticize my body. But in real life I have a VERY strong little bod. I can do a catcher's squat STILL to this day for a long time, and I'm almost 60yo! I gave birth to 2 kids and was mama to 5 step-kids and helped raise/love 2 more step-kids! I have the gift of curves upon curves, and some gals have a body like a stick...that is not me! LOL And that's okay. I have to remember that when I see and criticize "thunder thighs" those are good, strong, curvy legs. When my Beloved Hubby sees my body I think he sees softness and curves and an Amazon build. I think he sees the outer shell of the inner heart that loves him. Right? So I remind myself of that, and I suspect it might do you some good to remind yourself of stuff like that too. You have a good body. It houses YOU!

Also, like you, I absolutely do not feel "sexy" in those crazy lingerie outfits. To be completely honest with you, I feel ridiculous. I mean, yes, it may fit okay and there are some that are more enhancing than not, but most of the time I feel like a sausage squeezed in or itchy or YUCK get this off me! That does NOT enhance my sexy-feeling! What I did discover, though, is that there are some I like a little. For example, I like certain fabrics that are very soft and a little stretchy because I don't feel shoved in. I like ones that enhance the top (cuz I look pretty good there) and then flare out like a skirt (cuz I'm not as good there)...so like a baby doll. But even then, I rarely wear them because my head isn't into "dressing sexy." Instead, when we go out I try to dress in a classy way that is pretty but modest...and when we "stay in" I wear what I call "skyclad" which means my natural skin. As I got to look at my body and see some of the parts as okay or strong or "part of me" and thus good...I got pretty comfortable in my skin. So that's my "go to" outfit that I do feel sexy in...my skin. I suspect that may be something you could aim toward as well. 

Looking forward to talking more if you the two of you feel like talking...


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> One of the ideas I came to after many years of marriage that really helped me with the body issues and the lighting. My husband doesn't look at porn and doesn't ogle other women. So one day I read somewhere,
> 
> As a married woman yours is the only body he gets to look at. Let him enjoy it.
> 
> ...



"As a married woman yours is the only body he gets to look at. Let him enjoy it."

Thanks for sharing this, my wife loved it.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, we would love to help you....especially us women. We understand where you're coming from.
> 
> If you still want this thread closed let me know and I will do it for you.
> 
> Please consider PM'ing one of us ladies.....we can talk.


Thank you. Please close this. We are fine with anyone reaching out to us by PM


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