# Staying for kids and/or finances



## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

I'm new and I guess I need 30 posts to be able to post in the Private Forum. I don't want to put too much info here in public view. Let me ask this general question.

Is staying in a long term marriage until kids reach adulthood a bad idea? What about staying solely for financial reasons?

I don't want a divorce. I'd like to work on things but I don't see hubby making an effort. If only one of us is trying, we're doomed right?

I guess that's more than one question.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, it's a bad idea. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Why though? Keeping the kids in a stable environment is better than the turmoil of divorce isn't it? We don't have huge arguments in front of them and are very civil (so far) Kids will be out of the house in 5-6 years. Isn't it worth sticking it out for them?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And this is the kind of marriage you wish them to build for themselves? And for them to watch your self-respect to erode as you give up the best "rest of your life years"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Cons: They will have the wrong idea of what a marriage should be, they may resent you for staying, they will see you depressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

If we divorce, I think they will see me way more depressed than I am now. I get what you're saying though. I saw this article and thought it might be worth trying to save the marriage. I am still willing but unsure if he would just be going though the motions. 

This is so hard!
Should You Stay Together For The Sake of The Children?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

The kids will KNOW (either already do or will when they're old enough)...when you tell them you stayed together "for them" that will make THEM feel guilty! 

'You and Dad stayed together in a miserable marriage because of me. Thanks a lot. I didn't ask you to do that and if I had been asked I'd have told you to be happy.'

If your kids are old enough to be OUT in 5-6 years, you'd be SHOCKED to know how much they already know, surmise or have/will figure out before they leave.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

I don't really think I'm in a miserable marriage. We have issues we both need to work on but it's not horrible in my opinion. I tried to post an article here but I guess that's not allowed. I was reading that if the reasons you're thinking of divorce is because you've "grown apart" you owe it to your kids to work on it. This is the reason he's giving me. I knew we had some problems but didn't think it was a bad marriage at all.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

This is for discussion purposes, once you are able to post your story I'm sure we can be more helpful and optimistic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

A family is worth fighting for. I agree with Dr. Phil, before you consider D. you have to turn over every stone with counseling, date nights, time away together. D. is hard on children, very hard. Unless there is abuse a person should do all they can to save a marriage. Be careful, when a man says you have grow apart he often has his eye on greener pastures ( he just thinks they are greener).


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Thanks all! I know without specifics it's hard to discuss. I guess my situation is more about trying to make it work for the kids vs. staying in a horrible relationship that would negatively affect them anyway. I would stay if we were obviously miserable infront of them. This discussion may all be for naught if he won't agree to try anyway. Still in discussion right now.
Indiecat, you might be on to something there.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

I'd love to put the details out there to see what you think. Have to get to 30 posts for that I guess.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Start posting on other threads so you can get to 30 faster. 

Working on a marriage is one thing. I'm all for that. But staying solely for the children is another. Children always know if their parents don't have a happy marriage. 

And the "grown apart" line is often used by cheaters. Especially if the one saying it doesn't want to work on it.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Stressedandsad said:


> I don't really think I'm in a miserable marriage. We have issues we both need to work on but it's not horrible in my opinion. I tried to post an article here but I guess that's not allowed. I was reading that if the reasons you're thinking of divorce is because you've "grown apart" you owe it to your kids to work on it. This is the reason he's giving me. I knew we had some problems but didn't think it was a bad marriage at all.


Wrong. You don't owe it to the kids. You owe it to yourselves. Is he willing to do marriage counseling and individual therapy?


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

We've had counseling before and it didn't really help he says. I think we need to find a better counselor.


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## Lefacade (Jan 10, 2014)

It will effect the kids no matter the age. If you split after they leave the house. Then it will feel like their family life was a lie. My parents divorced early. I don't even remember dad really living with us except a few memories. My good friends parents divorced right after he graduated high school and it was still difficult for him because of what I stated above.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Yes I agree! Divorce is hard on children no matter what the age. It's worth working on for sure. My original question is answered I guess. 

Don't stay together solely for the kids but if there's some hope there by all means work on it. Thanks for everyone's input!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey stressed-

can you support yourself?

Have you thought about how custody would work?

How much debt do you all have?

What about savings for college?

I can understand if you are miserable, he kids will know that.

I try to convince myself all the time that its beter to stay married for our dauhter....I am slowly dying inside...

Where are you on the happiness scaleStressedand sad?

You can fake it for just so long...eventually it eats away at your soul.

I can see the reasons to stay, but it does come with a price.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

If you become a "Forum Supporter" which entails making a small($5 ?) donation, you get instant access to the Private Section posting, IIRC.



I wish I knew the answers to your question. Stuck in limbo here, trying not to fade away.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Well, she's making progress...only seven more posts to go! 

BTW Stressed, I understand from your initial posts that this is not where you want to be. I hope you find the support and information you need to make the best decision for your family. Hang in there.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Thanks all! Really appreciate this forum. Looking forward to sharing my story as I can tell from other threads that most of you are very good at seeing things that are obvious as an outsider looking in. So hard to see the trees when you're in the middle of the forest.

Some answers to your questions.

My happiness scale moves daily, almost hourly. I feel deep in my heart that with some effort on both our parts, that we can right this ship. But I'm not kidding myself as some of the issues are pretty big. So I go from hopeful to hopeless in the span of a few minutes. 

Trying not to get into too much detail but we live a very comfortable life and upon dividing assets I would get a considerable settlement. Can I support myself? I'm not very marketable after being out of the workforce for many years and my age. But with the settlement and alimony/child support, I would be okay. This part scared me the most but meeting with a lawyer helped calm me "some".
Custody will be tricky as he will not be living in the same area if we divorce. Again, not going into great detail here but I would be with the kids for 90% of the time. It'll be difficult to coordinate for sure.

Right now he said he'd like to try to work it out but I'm not getting a vibe of sincerity. I'm getting a "I'm scared to lose my money vibe" But it hasn't been long, so I need to see more effort before I am hopeful it'll work.

How many posts am I up to? Hopefully I'm ready for what you all have to say.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

26 posts and counting....


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Good morning, Stressed.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Go to the social area and post there, it's faster
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

If you're not getting a vibe of sincerity from your husband when he says that he wants to work things out , I would wonder about his motivation.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

PM a moderator and ask them to move this thread to Private. You're almost a member now. You could go talk about your weather or something in the Social area as Mable has suggested, if you don't want to say anything more here.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Thanks! I posted another question about divorce costs in the "going through divorce" section. I'm only one away now.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

You made it!  Best of luck to you, Stressed.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Thank you again! I like you guys!


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Spoke too soon. Still can't get in. Looking for a moderator to help.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Log out and back in
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I see 32 posts showing by your name now. PM FrenchFry. I think she is a moderator and can move this entire thread to private. Or, you can just start a new thread there and delete this one.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> I see 32 posts showing by your name now. PM FrenchFry. I think she is a moderator and can move this entire thread to private. Or, you can just start a new thread there and delete this one.


Thanks all! Logging out and back in seemed to work. I have another thread going over there!


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## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

I can relate so much to your thread with my own marriage! I am going through similar things. Please update if you left and how it went!


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## KeepLookingUp (Feb 6, 2014)

Staying together for the kids isn't the right thing. Kids are smart and pick up on the feelings of the marriage and in the room. By the sounds of it yours are old enough to sense the resentment and anger between you both. D is hard on kids and parents and families no matter what. The key is to help them understand that it's not their fault. This has everything to do with mom and dad, and nothing to do with them. You don't want them growing up with guilt and blaming themselves.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My parents stayed together for the kids - their D was final the month after I graduated HS. The thing that I have hated the most as a result, is leaving home at 18, and no longer having a home. I've also hated that I endured the most, of their unhappiness towards the end. Even at 18 it made me feel unfairly guilty.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> My parents stayed together for the kids - their D was final the month after I graduated HS. The thing that I have hated the most as a result, is leaving home at 18, and no longer having a home. I've also hated that I endured the most, of their unhappiness towards the end. Even at 18 it made me feel unfairly guilty.


Thanks for your perpective Pepper! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I know it's not the right thing to do in my heart. It's my fear of being out on my own that has me thinking irrational thoughts.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Things really started to go downhill w/ my parents when I was about the same age as your kids.
My parents pretty much hated each other by my senior year, and 3 months before I graduated he moved out. After they were no longer together, I realized how miserable they had been. They are far, far better apart.


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