# What's a good marriage like? How do you know if it's the kind that lasts.



## desert-rose

How would you describe a healthy marriage? That is, how do you know when the good outweighs the bad? How do you know if you're being too sensitive to problems you're having with each other? And, when the going gets so tough that you're not even sure this is what life is supposed to be like, how do you know you should fight it out?

I love my husband, but we've only been married for a year and it's been full of his cheating, abusive behavior (no hitting), disrespectful behavior, and a lot of rejection. He insists that he wants to be married, but he treats me like dirt. When confronted about his behavior, he's blaming me for bringing it to the surface, rather than owning up to it. It turns out that he's got an illness which is wildly out of control and probably causing these behavior issues and that it might be controlled and remove those impulse and anger control issues. But, that neither fully excuses his behavior nor answers for his refusal to admit it or be accountable. We struggled through many obstacles to get to being married (6 years together before, LDR, family opposition, international distance) and I really believed it was for the long haul. When his actions had come to light, family intervention sort of pushed us into a separation that neither of us really wanted (but, his unstable behavior indicates likely violence). I feel guilty for not trying harder, heartbroken that he's not really trying at all and making demands instead.

My family and some of his family are opposed to our reconciliation for various reasons. I feel like I never mattered to him; though he insists he loves me and wants this, he has shut me out altogether and we are separated and at a stalemate. I love him dearly and every day without him has been miserable; the idea of life without him sounds unbearable; and we had a lot of good despite these very serious and real problems. I want to salvage things and I know there is no guarantee about things working, but I'm confused about whether or not I should be trying to get through to him or not. I don't want to be in something that is unhealthy and has no longevity.

My question is -- how do you know if you have a healthy and good marriage that you should fight for?


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## Freak On a Leash

desert-rose said:


> I love my husband, but we've only been married for a year and it's been full of his cheating, abusive behavior (no hitting), disrespectful behavior, and a lot of rejection. He insists that he wants to be married, but he treats me like dirt. When confronted about his behavior, he's blaming me for bringing it to the surface, rather than owning up to it. It turns out that he's got an illness which is wildly out of control and probably causing these behavior issues and that it might be controlled and remove those impulse and anger control issues. But, that neither fully excuses his behavior nor answers for his refusal to admit it or be accountable.
> 
> My question is -- how do you know if you have a healthy and good marriage that you should fight for?


You do not have a healthy marriage. I'd leave while I could and do NOT have kids and drag them into it.


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## desert-rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> You do not have a healthy marriage. I'd leave while I could and do NOT have kids and drag them into it.


I agree with you. My marriage is abusive and that's why we are separated. However, I find that I don't actually see what's wrong while I'm in my own situation most of the time, so I am curious about how others define what IS a healthy marriage. Most of the marriages I have seen have not been terribly happy or healthy, though they have been long. I'm interested in how people define those terms. So, I don't mean to ask only to gauge whether my situation is a disaster, but to ask the general question itself.

What do you guys think are the keystones of a healthy marriage? What is its function? With so much subjectivity involved in relating to people, how do you draw your own boundaries and definitions?


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## Freak On a Leash

I don't know. I have been married for 22 years and it was neither healthy or all that happy. I look upon my wedding anniversary as a day of mourning...a marriage that is a mistake. 

We are both to blame for our bad marriage at different points. I do know that you describe your marriage in many of the same ways I described mine after only a few years into it and one thing I do regret is that I didn't have the guts to leave. 

But then I wouldn't have my kids. That would be sad. 

But 20 years of misery? Huge price to pay. 

I guess I'd define a happy marriage as one where both parties not only love and respect each other, but accept one another as they are too. Each person is watching out for each other's back. Plus, you can't just be lovers, you need to be friends too. 

Sounds like a nice thing but I'll never know because I don't intend to step on an altar again.


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## DoYouWoo

I guess I'd define it as having the following in abundance:

respect, shared interests/pursuits, good-lovin  , mature approach to arguing, support, trust

and not so much of these (a bit is probably normal from time to time, nobody's perfect):

passive aggressiveness, high maintenance on either side, petty jealousy, selfishness

If the balance in a relationship is the other way around, with more of the latter group and less of the former, it's doomed IMO.


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## romantic_guy

I have told my story before on these forums (I hope people don't get tired of hearing it) but we got married at 16 and 17 because she was pregnant. I feel we have an awesome marriage, 39 years last July. Here are a few things off the top of my head:

1. It is based on mutual unconditional love and respect.

2. We are best friends.

3. We have learned how to handle disagreements and conflicts (do a search on "fighting fair" and how to effectively communicate. Consequently, we rarely "argue". The last time we had an argument was the first week in July. We learned years ago (through counseling) that the vast majority of disagreements are simply differences of opinion, not matters of right and wrong so we seek to find a win-win solution rather than a win-lose solution.

4. We meet each others needs emotionally and sexually.

5. We make our relationship the #1 priority in our lives.

6. We seek to live the Kingdom principles taught by Jesus of love, forgiveness, and generosity, among others and seek to live this verse: 

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Cor. 7


Emotionally healthy marriages can only come from 2 people seeking to become emotionally healthy themselves. No one is without issues, but anyone can seek to grow and become a better person and become more emotionally healthy today than they were yesterday.


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## Elliott

romantic_guy said:


> I have told my story before on these forums (I hope people don't get tired of hearing it) but we got married at 16 and 17 because she was pregnant. I feel we have an awesome marriage, 39 years last July. Here are a few things off the top of my head:
> 
> 1. It is based on mutual unconditional love and respect.
> 
> 2. We are best friends.
> 
> 3. We have learned how to handle disagreements and conflicts (do a search on "fighting fair" and how to effectively communicate. Consequently, we rarely "argue". The last time we had an argument was the first week in July. We learned years ago (through counseling) that the vast majority of disagreements are simply differences of opinion, not matters of right and wrong so we seek to find a win-win solution rather than a win-lose solution.
> 
> 4. We meet each others needs emotionally and sexually.
> 
> 5. We make our relationship the #1 priority in our lives.
> 
> 6. We seek to live the Kingdom principles taught by Jesus of love, forgiveness, and generosity, among others.
> 
> 
> Emotionally healthy marriages can only come from 2 people seeking to become emotionally healthy themselves. No one is without issues, but anyone can seek to grow and become a better person and become more emotionally healthy today than they were yesterday.
> 
> Finally, see my signature line.


Your part of the baby boomers. You guys (and gals) set the standard for EVERYTHING. BUT I'm part of the Millennial Generation (aka Generation Y, I'm 28 years old). All these ideas and sold foundations are gone. I myself have been married for 7 years. Honestly the "happiness" left on January 20,2007 when I didn't get any "birthday booty" because the wife was to tired (We didn't have sex for that entire month). Ever since then it's been a hunt for this "happiness".

Truth be told my cousin called me up a week ago, because I was the only "happily married guy he knew" I admitted to him I'm not happily married. I'm borderline a single father. He called because *he couldn't think of THREE HAPPILY MARRIED MEN* (neither can I), he can ask for advice before he seperated from his wife of Three years. Guess what? They're seperated now.

Though everything you mentioned is wonderful sound advice. Things are so different now. There's so many distractions in the world that can take you (or your spouses) attention. Being married now is almost a "bad thing". When people start talking about it, all your friends do is talk about the horror stores they've heard/experienced. It's sad but true. I personally talk people out of marriage. I'm being dead serious. They are shocked that I have been married for 7 years and yet I try to talk them out of it. I tell them I know people that have been married for 30 years, but happily married for the first four years.


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## romantic_guy

Elliott said:


> Your part of the baby boomers. You guys (and gals) set the standard for EVERYTHING. BUT I'm part of the Millennial Generation (aka Generation Y, I'm 28 years old). All these ideas and sold foundations are gone. I myself have been married for 7 years. Honestly the "happiness" left on January 20,2007 when I didn't get any "birthday booty" because the wife was to tired (We didn't have sex for that entire month). Ever since then it's been a hunt for this "happiness".
> 
> Truth be told my cousin called me up a week ago, because I was the only "happily married guy he knew" I admitted to him I'm not happily married. I'm borderline a single father. He called because *he couldn't think of THREE HAPPILY MARRIED MEN* (neither can I), he can ask for advice before he seperated from his wife of Three years. Guess what? They're seperated now.
> 
> Though everything you mentioned is wonderful sound advice. Things are so different now. There's so many distractions in the world that can take you (or your spouses) attention. Being married now is almost a "bad thing". When people start talking about it, all your friends do is talk about the horror stores they've heard/experienced. It's sad but true. I personally talk people out of marriage. I'm being dead serious. They are shocked that I have been married for 7 years and yet I try to talk them out of it. I tell them I know people that have been married for 30 years, but happily married for the first four years.


I am going to push back on that. I know many couples in their twenties, thirties, and forties that have sound marriages (before you say that we really don't know about them, we both can spot a troubled marriage a mile away). Maybe it is who we hang with. Although we are in our fifties, we think and look young so we have many friends that are in the first decade of marriage. I work with a woman who just turned thirty and we have many conversations about relationships...and they have a great marriage. The principles that I stated work for any age and these same principles are being espoused in books on marriage and relationships written today. One such book that I recently read (and we will read together) is "The Couple Checkup: Discovering Your Relationship Strengths." 

By the way, my mom was divorced twice, my dad twice, my wife's mom 4 times and her dad 5 times. Crappy relationships can happen at any age.


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## Elliott

romantic_guy said:


> I am going to push back on that. I know many couples in their twenties, thirties, and forties that have sound marriages (before you say that we really don't know about them, we both can spot a troubled marriage a mile away). Maybe it is who we hang with. Although we are in our fifties, we think and look young so we have many friends that are in the first decade of marriage. I work with a woman who just turned thirty and we have many conversations about relationships...and they have a great marriage. The principles that I stated work for any age and these same principles are being espoused in books on marriage and relationships written today. One such book that I recently read (and we will read together) is "The Couple Checkup: Discovering Your Relationship Strengths."
> 
> By the way, my mom was divorced twice, my dad twice, my wife's mom 4 times and her dad 5 times. Crappy relationships can happen at any age.


Agreed that many people have bad relationships (at various ages). My dad is about to divorce his second wife. My mom walked out on her fiancee after a 10 year engagement. My mother in law has been in a love-less marriage for 23 years as well as my uncle.


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## romantic_guy

Elliott said:


> I tell them I know people that have been married for 30 years, but happily married for the first four years.


I forgot to address this point. Our marriage is the opposite. But out mostly unhappy marriage lasted longer, probably 10 years. To be sure, there were some good times, but we fought often and our sex was no where near what it is today. I remember someone saying to us, "You sure don't like each other very much do you" It was not until we went through a really hard time, loss of my job and moving, that we both began to discover that the real problem was the person we saw in the mirror every morning. We got counseling and started reading together. Now it is heaven on earth.


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## Freak On a Leash

My husband once said to me, "Out of all the people we know who are married, which marriage would you want?". 

I couldn't answer him. I know people who are still married but I wouldn't want their marriage. Either the husband is cold or distant or the wife is a nag, or they cramp each other's style or their sex life sucks..Seems there is always a problem. 

But my friends are mostly single and they seem quite happy. Especially the ones that never married.  I've come to conclude that marriage should be the exception, not the rule.


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## greenpearl

romantic_guy said:


> I have told my story before on these forums (I hope people don't get tired of hearing it) but we got married at 16 and 17 because she was pregnant. I feel we have an awesome marriage, 39 years last July. Here are a few things off the top of my head:
> 
> 1. It is based on mutual unconditional love and respect.
> 
> 2. We are best friends.
> 
> 3. We have learned how to handle disagreements and conflicts (do a search on "fighting fair" and how to effectively communicate. Consequently, we rarely "argue". The last time we had an argument was the first week in July. We learned years ago (through counseling) that the vast majority of disagreements are simply differences of opinion, not matters of right and wrong so we seek to find a win-win solution rather than a win-lose solution.
> 
> 4. We meet each others needs emotionally and sexually.
> 
> 5. We make our relationship the #1 priority in our lives.
> 
> 6. We seek to live the Kingdom principles taught by Jesus of love, forgiveness, and generosity, among others and seek to live this verse:
> 
> The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Cor. 7
> 
> 
> Emotionally healthy marriages can only come from 2 people seeking to become emotionally healthy themselves. No one is without issues, but anyone can seek to grow and become a better person and become more emotionally healthy today than they were yesterday.


I can feel the tranquility and joy you have from your marriage. 

Ours is very similar to yours. I am 38, my husband is 34. We have been together for eight years, married for six. 

1. Mutual respect! Being respectful, nice, and kind to each other is very important. For unconditional love, I have different opinion, I feel that I have to be good to gain his love, and he has to meet a certain standards of mine so I love him. But commitment and responsibility to one's marriage is important. When we face problems in our marriage, we don't walk out easily. 

2. We are best friends to each other. We talk, we laugh, we cry, we share everything together. We don't hide anything from each other. It is such a wonderful feeling to be married to a man who you feel so close and comfortable with. 

3. At the beginning of our marriage, we argued more often. But now we are the same as you. We seldom argue. For this whole year, we were upset about each other maybe twice, and it dissolved in a short while. Like you said, very often we just have different opinion, there isn't right or wrong, and being right is not important at all. The important thing is to share and understand each other. 

4. Meeting each other's needs emotionally and sexually makes us happy and content with our marriage. The feeling is so strong that you really don't want to take a second glance at other men. You cherish what you have, you don't want to do anything to ruin it. 

5. Yes! Some people especially men put their career the No.1 priority in their life. They work hard and try to gain other people's admiration, but at the mean time, they are sacrificing their family. I am glad that I am married to a man who is not thirsty for power and name. He is just a family man, but a man who is responsible and mature. 

6. Living according to Bible standards protects our health, our life, and our marriage. The temptation from this world is strong, self-control ability is very important. I believe that peace and excitement don't go together. I would rather have PEACE. It can be boring somethings, but the joy of peace is worth it. 


A strong sense of responsibility, a strong sense of commitment, a strong sense of respect and kindness( Hurting others is wrong, hurting the one we are married is extremely wrong, but a lot of people are doing it, they don't even realize it)


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## FirstYearDown

I don't agree with the generational differences. I am 29, yet I realize that any good marriage will have all of the aforementioned attributes, except for the Biblical teachings in my case.

Marriage can be a wonderful part of a happy life. My husband and I lean on each other during hard times and celebrate good things happening for each of us. Lovemaking is a huge priority, as well as honesty and laughter in our marriage. We respect each other's differences and enhance our strengths with encouragement. 

When we argue, we take break if it is getting too heated and we have each learned that_ it is more important to be happy than right._ Living together while we were engaged was an adjustment. Now we just enjoy each other and calmly discuss issues.

I think my generation is more likely to seek outside help for marital challenges, as well as try harder to have egalitarian marriages. It is more common to see a husband under 35 doing housework, than it is to see a baby boomer hubby cooking or cleaning. 

How lucky we were to experience financial hardships and difficult in-laws during our long engagement. Those experiences strengthened our marriage before we walked down the aisle. :smthumbup:


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## DadAgain

WRONG QUESTION.
Don't ask what is a healthy marriage.
Ask, how do I make my marriage healthy.


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