# First Post, Separation Not sure what to believe anymore?



## jerrysocal (Nov 4, 2017)

Hi I am a newbie,

18 years of marriage and 3 beautiful kids and we are both two strong A personality people.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry you are going through this. I am not saying you did not contribute to the problems in the marriage, that is probably 50:50 on you both. But for sure she is cheating on you and using separation as an excuse to do a test run with the OM.
You have to be ready to lose the marriage to save it and go scorched earth on her immediately, the softly softly approach is not going to work, your sister in law is right.

1. go see a lawyer and see what your options are especially re the house, kids, etc. If possible draw up the divorce papers and have them ready.
2. find out who the OM is, VAR her car immediately, put software on her phone if you can.
3. If you know someone well at her work, ask them if they know anything
4. Get a PI to follow her and get evidence, shut down, no more engaging with her, or revealing your hand, keep evidence close to your chest, and back up copies
5. Do the 180 on her immediately (see Elle's posts at the bottom for link)
6. Do not let her know what you are doing, go to the gym, go out with friends, work colleagues.
7. Act as if you believe every word she is telling you about the end of the marriage, remain distant and non committal
8. When she wants to hurry things, act non challenge, do not beg, plead, etc
9. Let the OM's spouse know what is happening,
10. Let her place of work know what is happening 
11. Rely on one or two close friends or sibling for support.

YOu can do this but you have to be strong


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Go straight for Divorce. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

She is playing you like a fiddle OP, your SIL is right. This crap stops now. Go dark, grey rock on her. No communication about anything but the kids and only in writing. When you have to see her be civil but nothing else. Have her served with Divorce papers at work. Tell the OM's SO what's going on. Blow their world apart.

Both you and your wife were likely responsible for the issues in your marriage that led to this, then again, some people just cheat, even in happy marriages. Bottom line is it's selfish, disgusting, inexcusable behaviour. You get happy or you get out. Don't cheat. Your wife has a serious character flaw.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jerrysocal said:


> Hi I am a newbie,
> 
> 18 years of marriage and 3 beautiful kids and we are both two strong A personality people.
> 
> ...


Find her other mans wife and tell her what's going on. You are waiting on counsellors, the church, etc to fix this when you should be doing it yourself. Very weak on your part.

If you want a chance exposure is your only option. Blow up the affair now. Don't worry about pushing her away she's already gone.

Instead of a separation so she can screw the other guys brains out file for divorce.

If you want to try and save this marriage youd better be willing to end it. 

All you're doing is talking which as you've seen will get you nowhere and keep you in limbo.

You think it's bad now Wait'll she starts dating. That's what she really setting all thisup for.

Better be getting your balls back. FAST!!!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OH and check your phone bill. You'll be shocked. Guaranteed


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Please listen to the posters, she is gas lighting you and at the same time cheating...don't fall for it like others have on here...please serve her...also tell her that you will go straight to HR if she continues to lie to you, time to call a spade a spade. She is a cheater.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Exposure should be done without warning. Let them deal with the fallout.

She's way ahead of you better be moving


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Shes a skunk and you know it!

Get your ducks in a row!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

why do people separate ???? When does that do any good unless you are separating pending divorce ????

if it's not ok for her to screw another guy now, then why would it be ok if you were under a 'trial separation' ?? 

BTW, you do know a 'trial separation' only means she wants to test drive another guy.

No to separation, get the truth on whether she has been cheating on you and then as Frusdil said, dump her arse


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Go straight for Divorce. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
> 
> She is playing you like a fiddle OP, your SIL is right. This crap stops now. Go dark, grey rock on her. No communication about anything but the kids and only in writing. When you have to see her be civil but nothing else. Have her served with Divorce papers at work. Tell the OM's SO what's going on. Blow their world apart.
> 
> Both you and your wife were likely responsible for the issues in your marriage that led to this, then again, some people just cheat, even in happy marriages. Bottom line is it's selfish, disgusting, inexcusable behaviour. You get happy or you get out. Don't cheat. Your wife has a serious character flaw.


THIS is all you need to know/do

She is sooooo cheating


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Betrayed spouse syndrome:

Wanting/needing to believe the lies because the truth is to hard to take
Playing the "pick me dance"
Trying to nice them back
Talking, talking, talking but taking zero action
Helping hide the affair
Becoming paralyzed and doing nothing hoping it'll just go away
Living in denial of what's going on

Look man they are going to destroy you, your family and your future

Better get your ass in gear


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## jerrysocal (Nov 4, 2017)

Ok, heard, understand and ready for action! 


Now, we are mutually supposed to move out together and share an apartment for the so called separation which now I understand is just a trial to see if she likes her new guy, or kids are cool dealing with what she caused and I'm still a little puppy doing what I'm told for HOPE, which is we each get 3 1/2 days at apartment and 3 1/2 days at the house with the kids. 

She cheated and is cheating,, why am I moving out why not I stay and she moves out. Now,, she does make more money then I do since I just opened a business so I cant afford the house payment but what should I do?

I pay for all our family's cell phones by paying her, can I still see the phone records and how do I do that?

I want to put her boyfriends picture on my facebook profile to let the world know since this is her main concern getting me thru the holidays not to look like a bad girl, screw that or am I only showing my cards?

I want to confront her face to face and pressure her to admit it all, but she's a lying sneaky selfish person so she would only probably lye but she also doesn't like conflict so I do know if I pressure her eye to eye hard enough she will admit just to get out of the uneasy feeling

I have his photo, cell number, city and state, his linkedin ect but she works for a big corporation as a VP and he is a VP in a different state and her dad is the President of her area location, who is also 1/2 partner in my business ya complicated and screwed so still not sure my next move.

But, what are my cards? 

I want to get more proof to burry her and him and to show I'm not the CRAZY EX making up excuses for our failed marriage

What "VAR her car immediately" mean?

What am I supposed to do to deal with this info and ready to move forward with out her but not sure how to start?

Sir, I'm ready to charge over the hill at any costs just need to know what amo I need with honest results good or bad


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Responses in bold below. 




jerrysocal said:


> Now, we are mutually supposed to move out together and share an apartment for the so called separation which now I understand is just a trial to see if she likes her new guy, or kids are cool dealing with what she caused and I'm still a little puppy doing what I'm told for HOPE, which is we each get 3 1/2 days at apartment and 3 1/2 days at the house with the kids.
> 
> 
> *When people are telling you to man up, what they mean is that YOU start calling your own shots that will work best for YOU and your own interests. It sounds like she is the one making all the rules and calling all the shots and you are just going along with it. STOP THAT!!!! Get a lawyer first thing tomorrow and start making your own divorce plan with the terms and conditions that will be most favorable to you.*
> ...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

jerrysocal said:


> Ok, heard, understand and ready for action!
> 
> 
> Now, we are mutually supposed to move out together and share an apartment for the so called separation which now I understand is just a trial to see if she likes her new guy, or kids are cool dealing with what she caused and I'm still a little puppy doing what I'm told for HOPE, which is we each get 3 1/2 days at apartment and 3 1/2 days at the house with the kids.
> ...


She is cheating and has been for much longer than you realize. Your way behind in the game she is playing. 

Skip the "trial" separation, skip further marriage counseling as both are complete waste of time at this point in the marriage. Your trying to fix and she is trying to buy time to have her fun, not fix anything, just play you for a fool.

Find yourself a lawyer and file for divorce immediately. Your screen name implies your in California, if you are and your the lower wage earner she is going to have to pay. California is a nightmare for divorce on higher wage earners in a marriage and most likely the only reason she hasn't filed already. The more time you give her the more she will attempt to hide assets etc. File for divorce, get temp spousal support/alimony, child support and don't leave the marital home. 

Your marriage is essentially done, it's not what you want to hear but it sounds like she was done about a year ago. It's a general statement but once a woman falls out of love with a man the spark never returns. You must be in the mode of protecting yourself and the kids now. She may attempt to come back after you file but it will probably be more of a financial decision for her than a love decision.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Good advice given. 

You don't want it to be over. Your HOPE is sadly going to be used against you. It's driving your inaction. See a lawyer tomorrow.

You have NO chance of saving this relationship. She doesn't love you at all.
You DO have a chance to save yourself, and your time with your kids.

It hurts. But you can do it. Move forward.
No separation. Divorce. You have no other option that will lead to happiness. 
Divorce will give you the chance at a happy life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sony voice activated recorder under her car seat is your best bet unless you can afford a PI.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie hide and deny. If you confront without evidence guess what you?ll get


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

jerrysocal said:


> *I want to get more proof to burry her and him and to show I'm not the CRAZY EX making up excuses for our failed marriage*


Jerrysocal, based on your original post, your marriage has been circling the toilet bowl for years. You've been seeing a marriage counselor for _ 5 years_ and have had NO SEX for _ 1 year _. 



jerrysocal said:


> She says, I am the perfect husband with kids and everything but she loves me as a friend but not in love with me which was about a month ago *we haven’t had sex in a year* because if she doesn’t want it either do since with work work work and raising three kids we just pulled apart.
> 
> *Seeing marriage counselor for about 5 years,* which after counseling, getting on meds for ADHD, getting new business going (major pay drop from family business which doesn’t help) and I don’t speak to my family at all now, but I have my own family (at least I thought) so yes I needed some work, which I have done great as she admits but *she states she it’s just a little too late and she is just tired now of trying and has little hope of our marriage* but she will see if the spark comes back as it once was. (Also gave her a hormone test, oh ya scored about 80% of way off).


The truth is that your marriage has been dying a slow death by a thousand cuts. Her affair is the action that should finally kill it. 

Unless you live in a state where proof of adultery will give you an advantage with the divorce settlement, then stop wasting your time seeking evidence of her affair. Seriously, start disconnecting emotionally, file for divorce, and move on with your life. Find yourself someone with whom you do want to have sex and you don't have to go to a marriage counselor to communicate. 



Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jerrysocal said:


> Ok, heard, understand and ready for action!
> 
> 
> Now, we are mutually supposed to move out together and share an apartment for the so called separation which now I understand is just a trial to see if she likes her new guy, or kids are cool dealing with what she caused and I'm still a little puppy doing what I'm told for HOPE, which is we each get 3 1/2 days at apartment and 3 1/2 days at the house with the kids.
> ...


Now you have some knowledge so be wise. Keep your mouth shut eyes and ears open.
If you act to quickly they'll just go farther undercover

You seem like you've gotten this quick and are not in denial so at this time you're ahead of most.

Hard 180. As you've found talk just gets you nowhere.

Keep posting


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lila said:


> Jerrysocal, based on your original post, your marriage has been circling the toilet bowl for years. You've been seeing a marriage counselor for _ 5 years_ and have had NO SEX for _ 1 year _.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Most want proof which you may or may not get but this advice cuts to the chase and will bring it to a head immediately.

If I were going this route I'd just have her served without warning.

Silence is golden.

Unfortunately most just don't have the guts or fortitude to do it.


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