# another facebook issue



## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

Hi everyone what do you think of this this is a message from my wife to here friend she found on face book what do you think? n ow last night i asked her who was this friend on facebook and she said there just old school friends, now i didnot invade her privacy by logging into her facebook i accidentally saw it on the computer it on the computer when i was shutting it off...

wife
Hi 
Remember me? you have a beautiful daughter..... how are things?


facebook friend
September 30

Holy ****!!!! How are you hon?! You wouldn't believe how many times I've plugged your name into the search engine on here (nor would you believe how many WIFES NAME there are). You look great (much the same) and I hope your doing just as well!! I really look forward to getting back in touch with you. Hope to hear from you soon!
Love ya!
Kev


facebookk friend 
September 30

Remember you? How could I forget you?!

I still remember the day we met for goodness sake!

If you look in my photo albums under "photos of Kevin" there is a picture of us together!!
wife:
Hey Kevin,,,, couldn't find the pic you were talking about...Yeah I've been wondering what you've been up to for a while- glad you are on FB... so what have you been up to? I see you have a beautiful wife and a cute little one... congrats !! ...how are your parents? so did you ever pursue your dream to become a physical therapist? hope to hear from you...
talk to you soon 



facebook friend October 2


I'll see if I could tag you in the photo; it was actually Maryanne's (the date of the guy who got drunk and sick at the prom) photo.
I'm still in the Navy; and I work in physical therapy for them. Kris and I only got married 6 1/2 yrs ago; and our munchkin is 1 1/2 yrs old. (I held out on marriage for a long time) We live in northern Virginia and I work in DC \l.
Your daughters are beautiful too.
daughters name looks EXACTLY like you.
Are you still in NY? What are you doing with yourself these days?
I'm very glad to see that you're doing well, and look forward to chatting soon!

facebok friendOctober 2

I tagged you in that pic, so you should be able to seee it now.

BTW, my parents are well. Living in CT; dad's retired and mom....still working. All the brothers are married with kids except Chris, who's still a home, but should be tying the knot soon. Tim is still on the island, and he a cop in the city; Scott's in MA; with his family. How's everyone in your family?


Look now in my album titled "old school"; it's the only one in there 



wife Monday

OMG.... we were sooooo young...you looked really great that night. I had a great time to... You still look great!
So you think DAUGHTERS NAME looks like me,,,,she is a handful. I think my younger daughter has my personality.
Yes I still live on the Island- Everyone in my family is still good...my brother moved to FL, we were supposed to go but things changed.
so why did you hold off on getting married?
I knew you would be a PT- you just had a great mind set. thats what I admired the most about you.
VA wow what made you move to VA?
your family is beautiful I am so very happy for you. Like I said before I always wondered about you...I just don't remember what happened- my memory is sooooo bad. all I remember was your parents were moving to CT and you had to go.
I work part time still- kids are not old enough for me to leave them home alone so until then I can only work PT.. I work for - doing clerical work.. its great because they are very flexible with my time.. when my kids are home I am home. that makes me happy. anyway I have to get ready for work...TTYS



facebook friend
Thanks; you looked pretty great yourself! I had a lot of fun that night too! A bit more so even after we got back to your house in case you forgot that too (not sure if I should mention that ) Remember we kept the limo after dropping everyone off because the driver felt bad that everyone else wound up being duds!?
What happened between us I still wonder about sometimes;I remember that you got really jealous of some girl I was working with at the time; even though nothing was going on; and we broke up over it. I thought about it for a while after and thought that maybe you acted that way as a reason to push me away because we were moving; but I never really knew why, or if that is/was even what happened. It was only CT we moved to, so I guess I just didn't understand since I was probably heading to college there anyway; and I don't really remember if we talked or even got the chance to talk about maintaining a distance relationship....well; I guess it's all in the past now....
Anyway, we moved to VA for my jobafter living in HI for almost 6yrs; moving there (again for the military) right after we got married. Not sure why I waited so long; but I did have a pretty good time being single .
Again I'm glad you're doing well, gotta run for now.
TTYL

Tuesday

wife
I'm glad things are great with you and your family,,, I have to say you look like such a proud and happy daddy in your pics..... good for you , there aren't many men out there who are. I'm lucky that my husband is great with the kids..
I remember now - sometimes I need a little kick start then I remember things...god I'm getting old... well if your wife doesn't mind I would like to keep in touch,,,, and if you don't mind of course...  well I have to get my daughter from school then off to soccer practice sooooo I will talk to you soon.
Ttyl
p.s I am not 
surprised with all of your accomplishments... that was one of the things I liked about you.... your parents must be soo very proud of you... 

facebook friend

I can't imagine any way possible that I could love anything more than my baby girl ( maybe that's why I look the way I do in those pics .
Oh, and no, neither one of us mind  TTYS


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bad road they're going down, especially the part mentioning the sex that they had once

this can turn quick 

the fact that she makes sure it's okay with his wife to be talking but doesn't clear it with you is troubling as well


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you saw it as the computer was closing down, admit that you saw it, ask her how she feels about him, and if he was the one who got away. SHOW her that you care about her happiness and you worry that she may feel she missed out, invite her to talk about it. 

This is your one and only chance to keep them from going down that road. No accusations, be understanding, commiserate (yeah, I can imagine how I'd feel if I ran into XXX), and then ask her if she can envision any things that you two need to be doing differently about your marriage. I guarantee you she's been thinking about that, if it would have been better with him. Show her that you aren't taking her for granted, appreciate her, and are very willing to still sweep her off her feet. 

In fact, you SHOULD be spending at least 10 hours a week, just the two of you, away from the kids. Are you?


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Borderline. She's feeling nostalgic. May be something missing from your relationship. You can possibly learn about something that attract her based on this guy. Hit the gym, work on your alpha stuff and keep a watchful eye. How's your relationship otherwise. Keep a watchful eye though, sounds like she misses and thinks about this guy. This COULD turn bad.


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

no we are not spending 10 hrs away because of school and the kids..our marriage seems pretty good otherwise
umm hurt and angry from this.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I wouldn't be, not yet. She hasn't done anything wrong yet, except maybe not telling you that she ran into an old date. Even that is questionable; I don't share that kind of crap with my husband; he wouldn't even care.

Calm down and stop accusing her in your mind. She hasn't done anything yet. If you approach her that way, guess what? She WILL.

And FIND A WAY to start spending that time with her. I'm not joking. This is paramount. SAHMs are the PRIME candidate for affairs because they (and their husbands) have let the child-rearing replace the romance they once had, and along comes a voice from the past with no ties to the kid time and suddenly YOU look like a doormat. FIND A WAY.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And so it begins.....be careful with this....

I connect with old school friends, but don't do the "love you" or the "hun" BS.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

it started going down the wrong road really quickly and your wife tapped the brakes a little. Thats a dangerous stretch of highway she's on.

That should be a wake up call to you.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Ask her to cease contact , delete him as a friend and block him, while this sound hard explain it hurts you and you prefer her not to be in contact with him.. As a married woman she should not have any contact with an ex. Ex's are know to be problems on marriages .

If she defends her "right" to talk to him smile and say she should then have no problem contacting his wife and sharing this conversation and any futher ones . If she persists , sit with her and send a message to his wife asking her to contact you or if she is not on Facebook send a message to the ex and ask for his wifes contact details. If you are forced to contact the wife share your concerns that these are two ex's and you don't want any further contact .

Often this can develop into an affair however if managed carefully you can prevent this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

So, it's a long conversation you caught and to remember word for word, did you copied it somewhere?

From her conversation, she was obviously thinking about him and made contact. 

Has she ever mentioned him to you? Did she ever discuss any of her past relationship?


At some point, if you both have not done so, you may need to explicitly discuss comfortable boundaries for each other. 

In the meantime, monitor her -- keylogger, VARs, etc...


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm going through a divorce. I've recently found some old flames on Facebook. It was quite surprising how fast the flame came back through a few Facebook exchanges. They can see the pictures. They have the memories. 

So many things can be explained well using nature. This is one of them. When I was growing up, we had a wood-burning stove. It was the only heat in the house. We cut a lot of wood. We would stack the brush and burn it. It would be a large fire and would burn for several hours. After it burned down, there would usually be a ring of branches left around where the fire was. You could go back the next day to a circle of ashes and this ring of brush. You could simply move that brush into the middle of the ring of ashes. Soon, it would become a roaring fire. 

In other words, the hotter and longer that fire had burned between your wife and this guy, the faster and easier that flame will return with little or no effort. Just adding fuel (contact) could be enough to bring a raging inferno in very short order.

I'm with Elizor. No contact with old flames is the way to go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She handled his comments about prom night (or whatever night they hung out/hooked up) very well because she didn't address it and then says what a good dad he is. 

So far, she did ok, IMO. 

If you see the conversation going downhill though, call her out on it. He is kind of fishing. Kind of. Or just being nostalgic. Either way, your wife wasn't receptive to waht he said which is a good thing.

How did you get in her emails, by the way? Like, do you have a habit of checking up on her online?

Oh and...has she been shady in the past?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I see nothing there that's inappropriate but it's on the line. One more step in the wrong direction and it will get messy real fast. I'm with Turnera, I'd simply talk to her about it. I doesn't sound to me like either of their intentions are bad so if you can bring it out in the open that may well be enough daylight shined on it to keep it above board. 

Just FYI I had an EA with an old high school girlfriend that started exactly this way. My wife dismissed the friend request (she didn't have any reason not to in her defense) and forgot about it. Had she followed up and asked a little it's way more than likely that it would have prevented my falling into an EA. Neither my nor my OW's intentions were bad (well at least I think my OW's weren't), we just fell into it. Had I been discussing it with my wife I would have instinctively put the brakes on way before I was in trouble.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tell her that you think she is laying it on a little thick with him. Ask her to contact him no more. Sure, she may get a little upset, but if she really loves you, she will cease contact. But if she starts demanding to know how you got in her e-mails, starts getting uber defensive, starts throwing the "invasion of privacy, you're controlling me and that she is going to do what she wants"...then you may have a whole new marriage on your hands.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

What a sh!t feeling to see messages like that...I still can feel what it was like, just reading the threads on here, particularly the ones related to Facebook. The devastation. The pain. The disbelief. Thank God that prick is gone from my life. I'll never forget the time he left for work, and forgot to shutdown his laptop. He had been having a FB chat with some woman from the past, presumably a flame, and was wandering down memory lane with her and arranging phonecalls and meeting places, while I was sitting in the same fricken ROOM. And she was one of many, all completely innocent because they were 'just friends'. Keeping all his doors and windows open, so he was...

I attribute this to the reason I still have issues trusting my new H...he's done nothing, and I still feel the sting of past hurts to this day. When does it ever go away? Frig, I'm not even with the same person anymore, and the pain still lurks, threatening my current happiness.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

You are able to monitor it so just keep monitoring. I don't think it was anything to go ape**** over!

When I talked to my ex that's what you talk about. Remember this, remember that, wow that's crazy, etc etc.

If this progresses to "I'm unhappy in my marriage" or "I would like to see you etc"

or even if they start messeging alot that would be a dangerous road.

For reference my wife talked to one of her exes the most significant of them all. After about two weeks that was it the reminiscing was over.

The same goes for me and my most significant ex we talked played a WWF joked about the past and now it's once every couple of months. A "Hey been good?" and that's it!

Best of luck!! Keep us posted. Wanted to add I thought her last response was very good. She mentioned how good you are and mentioned his wife I wouldn't be worried at all at this point.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I can't believe I almost triggered upon reading this thread. This is so very similar to the initial exchange that my fWW had upon reconnecting with a hs boyfriend. It got serious very quickly after that, and it doesnt matter if you have a good marriage or not, these rekindled flames affairs can take off very fast. I like this post by F-102 in the other thread that best sums it up on how it will go if you don't put a stop to it fast:

Their jobs
Their families
Their lives since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
How much they missed each other
Fun things they did together
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she is when you're away
How their conversations make her happy
How he makes her feel good about herself
How she feels like a young woman again
How she can't wait to talk to him again
How you're not always "perfect"
How you're the biggest jerk on the planet
How on earth she could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you don't deserve her
How she can do so much better
How he's so much of a better man than you
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How she misses him everyday now
How they can see each other without anyone knowing
How she now realizes that she still loved him all along
How she's gonna leave you and return to him...

You need to tell her what you discovered and how you discovered it (by accident). Let her know up front that this is not a cool thing to do (reconnecting with a past lover) and that you don't feel comfortable with it. Do not accept the just friends excuse. This can turn into a fire very fast. 

Now you have to be on your guard unfortunately. If she starts staying up into the night on the computer, starts locking it up, changing passwords, closing screens when you come into the room, cell phone glued to her hand, etc, you will know that it has progressed to an EA. Until you've been burned by the "Lost lovers reconnecting thru Facebook" Affair, you don't know how it is. It can turn badly very quickly.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Moniter her messages with him, and the minute you get anything beyond this "friendly talking about old times " level----have a serious conversation with her

She will throw the just friends at you, and you can tell her she is getting to the level where its inappropriate for a married woman to be talking as she is-----even throw in the conversation, that you know how facebook has ruined many mge's----this of course will warn her you are monitering her, and if she is planning on an EA/PA, you need to be careful how you handle your converstions, and the timing of them.


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## oceanch1d (Oct 5, 2011)

I think that your wife seems to have only good intentions. She continually brings the conversation to his wife and kid, and you and your family. She says she is happy and is asking normal questions and seemed reluctant to reminisce about the past relationship. HE I would worry about. It sounds like he might be more than willing to cheat on his wife, and trying to rekindle with a Past ex is an easy way to do it. I suggest talking to her about it honestly. If she is hiding something and you get a gut feeling that something is up, then you could start digging around. But I'm optimistic, and if that woman were me, I would honest to goodness just want to get in touch with an old friend and be super uncomfortable that the old flame is pushing the romance angle. But I found out my significant other is more like the OM your wife is talking to, and he can talk his exes back into a relationship easily so do be careful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

hello, it wouldn't have been so bad if first the night i saw it and asked who it was and she said just a school friend that's the first lie..second it seems SHE was the one that sought him out...

okay last night when i got home from work she new i was upset with her, she kept asking whats wrong why do you have a problem with her friending him on Facebook I replied quote i saw the conversation.....then she looked like a deer in headlights and then she said whats the big deal i replied well first you looed for him then second your conversation with him was very flirtatious .. i wasnot trying to be argumentative.. then i told her we have been married 16 years and i have ..to find this really....theres so much more please reply back..thanks


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

I feel not so much angry but disappointed and hurt


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe she knew you'd freak out like this and to her it's not a big deal.


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

yea but i made it a point not to yell or accuse her...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Doesn't matter. You're still making a big deal out of this and now she thinks you don't trust her AND you want to control her...(in her head she may be thinking this).


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

TRUE true i had to say something and it is a big deal, i coudnot believe it when i saw it..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your W may see it as controling, but I think the only thing your controlling is your marriage by protecting it.
Your wife has the choice to befriend any one she wants, just like you have the choice to stay married to her if she continues.
Hopefuly your wife has some healthy boundries of her own and sees you trying to control and protect your marriage and not her, and uses her boundries in doing the same.....controling and protecting her marriage with you.


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

When i was shutting down our computer which i do every night, i close out all the open pages on it, as i was closing them i saw her facebook email which was open and that how it all started..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well I hope you finish it by asking her if she wants to stay married?

If she does then ask her to step away from this slippery slope, that so many here at TAM have dealt with.


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

yea im not forcing her to befriend him on facebook insted im making it her option by what i said so we will see...and im not stupid i know there are other means to communicate so ill keep my eyes open unfortunately ..


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Headendtech, is it possible that this is a "fitness test", i.e., she wanted you to find the messages, in order to make you jealous and see how you would handle this?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That would be pretty lame if that's what she did.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Aren't Jr. High games a lot of fun!!??

I'd be upset too if I were you.


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

here is the latest from this morning now i didnot get her message to him but heres his 

You too; I wish you nothing but the best. It's sad that we can't be friends now. We may be the same people; but our lives are entirely different than the ones we lived back in High School.

Best of luck and happiness always; to you and your family!


and she has deleted him but not blocked him from facebook..

what do you all think ??]
]

thanks....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

How did you get this part of the message and not what was said before this? 

Assuming there was nothing inappropriate or derogatory said prior to this last message then it sounds like you may have nipped this before it became something else.

I suggest you yourself block him on her Facebook then wait an see if he is unblocked . Say nothing , if he remains blocked over the moths or years then good for you. 

As a side piece of work look at yourself and understand what you should change to enhance the marriage , the initial Facebook conversation may have been nothing but for you look at it as a chance to change and compliment your marriage. There is a book by Harley "his needs , her needs" that will give you some tips.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Just FYI once someone is blocked and then unblocked they can't be re-blocked for 48 hours. So once he's blocked, if your W unblocks him you've got a 48 hour window to see that. 

Unfortunately I know this from experience. 

Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> Just FYI once someone is blocked and then unblocked they can't be re-blocked for 48 hours. So once he's blocked, if your W unblocks him you've got a 48 hour window to see that.
> 
> Unfortunately I know this from experience.
> 
> ...


Yup , if she unblocks him you have whole new problem .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you didn't see HER message, based on what HE said, she told him that they can't be friends - obviously because they are both married.

Sounds to me like she has passed this with a 95. The only way to get a higher grade is if she tells you they contacted.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She handled it ok.

Let it go.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

goocont said:


> She's feeling nostalgic. May be something missing from your relationship.


It has nothing to do with something wrong with the relationship. Affairs resulting from rekindled past loves can happen in good marriages too. The heady excitement from reconnecting with a love from one's teenage years can make many fall down the slippery slope to an EA/PA.


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

Yea i saw this message in her inbox but when i checked the sent folder the email she sent to him had already been deleted, I guess i have to stay on guard unfortunately and i don't like the mistrust i have for her now, i hope it goes away in time,..


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HEADENDTECH said:


> Yea i saw this message in her inbox but when i checked the sent folder the email she sent to him had already been deleted, I guess i have to stay on guard unfortunately and i don't like the mistrust i have for her now, i hope it goes away in time,..


The fact that she deleted her email is worrisome, but you saw his reply. And he's wrong, we are NOT the same people we were in high school. Our life experiences have changed us. But this is part of the heady excitement of reconnecting with a past lover from our youth. You remember the person as they were, and mostly the good things at that. It makes you feel young again, yet another part of the trap that makes people slip down the slippery slope. 

The good thing for you is that it seems you caught this at an early stage before it could progress to an full on EA. Now would be a good time for you to discuss marital boundaries regarding facebook or any other social networking site use. Theres a book out there concerning facebook for couples. You should tell your wife that friending or reconnecting with ANY past lovers is NOT ok with the marriage, for both of you. Unfortunately, you will have to be on guard for a little while. Watch her behaviors and be aware of any possible signs of emotional infidelity. You can google those. Once you see none of these behaviors for a while, you start to trust again.


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## HEADENDTECH (Nov 8, 2009)

Its that we are married ,going on 16 years ,this nov 4 AND to stumble upon this was what a ****ty feeling a real wake up call...uno the person i thought i new and fully trusted has unfortunately lost some of that trust...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It does not help she deleted her sent mail, its a fine way for her to start rebuilding trust . Have you blocked his ID on her Facebook account ? as a once off record all the friends and when they were added, check and verify for any changes especially if a female friend is added
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wakeup calls are good.

What are you going to do with it?

I suggest you get the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com (avoid their forum; it's toxic), both of you fill it out, and share. Find out how you LB her (make her unhappy) and work your butt off to remove those LBs from her life. That's the first step to creating such a great marriage that she would never have contacted him in the first place.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I read the beginning part of this thread. It's almost exactly that way I started my affair with the OW. Friends at first, then lovers within a few weeks. She wasn't married though.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> It has nothing to do with something wrong with the relationship. Affairs resulting from rekindled past loves can happen in good marriages too. The heady excitement from reconnecting with a love from one's teenage years can make many fall down the slippery slope to an EA/PA.


This was exactly me and my EA


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I read the beginning part of this thread. It's almost exactly that way I started my affair with the OW. Friends at first, then lovers within a few weeks. She wasn't married though.


And my H wondered at one time, why I freaked out about him calling some old _has been_ for her birthday...Pffff...it's sad. Feels like there's not much any of us can do to ward off this type of thing, except hope and pray that it doesn't happen to us (again).

It's really fricken discouraging! Maybe I need to stay out of these forums so that I don't continually see what goes on in other peoples' lives. I'm like some kind of sick voyeur! Or just trying to keep on my toes with regards to what to look for and be suspicious of. Either way, it's a crap way to go about life, always waiting for something to happen.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Candie

I think age has and unresolved issues had driven me to do what I did. I'm mid-life, and stay hang on to issues from 30+ years ago. I won't lie, the affair felt good. I miss it to some extent because it made me feel good and addressed some of my old issues. But I know that it wasn't real. It was an emotional carnival ride that had to end so that reality could re-enter my life. I'm so glad I got caught and I ended it. All of the lies, hiding things from my wife, living a double life....all over now. I'm thankful.

Yes, there are trust issues that I have to work on for the rest of my life with my wife. I'm thankful that I at least have that opportunity versus the alternative.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's a shame that more married couples don't get off their butts and reinvigorate THEIR marriages so that they feel that good with their partner, before it's too late.

There oughta be a class for this stuff in high school.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Maybe a marriage license that expires and you have to renew it for free, or pay huge fees after it expires?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't laugh, but they're getting ready to do that in Mexico City! Heard it on the news this weekend. They're having such a high divorce rate that they have a law they're trying to pass so people can sign up for a 'mini' marriage to last 2 years on average, at which point they can decide to renew.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This was exactly me and my EA


I can really understand the headiness and initial excitement and the awful temptation that comes with re-connecting with an old flame. Especially over a social networking site, because it's so much easier and impersonal than actually looking someone up and calling them. An innocent "poke" here, a PM there, a little chat here, etc. It really can be a slippery slope.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hate facebook's "poke" thing. Just stop it already, FB!


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