# How to safely leave an abusive partner?



## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

I realized after responding to the man-child thread-that I've been bottling a lot of my feelings and ignoring all the signs to leave my partner...

I appreciate everyone who's taken the time to respond to me when I first arrived here-I really need help/ideas..I can't take the abuse any more.

I've known for a long time this relationship was going to end not so well. I thought for many years being codependant that I wasn't strong enough,smart enough good enough to leave.

It hurts that all these years, I've invested myself with someone who now gets a sick pleasure in putting me down,calling me names and using physical threats to keep me subdued-he's always been this way-I just didn't want to believe it.

I never thought I had the strength to leave-now I feel like I just don't have the strength to stay...I can't handle his flash anger states,the fact he doesn't calm down unless I equally get angry at him as he's doing.

I WANT SO DESPERATELY TO LEAVE-but don't know how. How do you pick up three kids and move. I keep thinking this isn't fair to my partner-I've TRIED talking to him..trying to find solutions to things...give alternatives to fixing things...he's getting MORE aggressive the more I try to confront and address these things. Boundaries? Not working. 

My mom has suggested I bring the kids closer to her and my stepfather. Problem is,we moved here because I'm not bilingual-going back home limits my abilities to find work-and is twice as expensive to live than here. I desperately need the support..god knows going to my partner's aunt and brother to help him "see" how bad things are...would help. Nope-they basically didn't believe me,and prefer to sit on the sidelines.

I WANT OUT. I want to just run FAR AWAY...but I know he'll find me...he has EVERY right to have the kids in his life-what do I do? 

Here in AB common law relationships are seen like marriages-you have to go to court and get seperation papers etc. I'm afraid in doing this, he will become MORE AGGRESSIVE. He might even think of doing something completely retarded to make me stay.

I'm truly afraid-no different than my mothers ex years ago who threatened to kill my sister and I when I was 12. 

How does an abused partner get away safely?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

If you fear for your physical safety you can ask him to move out and get a restraining order. The law will be on your side to stay in the domestic home because you have 3 children to tend to. From there you can start divorce proceedings and within the separation period, actively look for employment to support yourself. I presume you'll be entitled to child support. I'm not sure where you live but if it's in Canada I'm sure they have generous welfare services to help you until you get back on your feet.


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## Ladybug802 (Apr 7, 2012)

I personally would NOT ask him to move out. It sounds like he might "fly off the handle" a bit. I would just up and leave. Pack the bare necessities, and important papers you will need (birth certificates, shot records, etc) and go. Dont even tell him, and dont tell him where you go. Use cash only, take out any and all $ so there is not trail for him to find you. If you were to go to the authorities, they would tell you to have a safety plan in place. There are shelters in your area that you could go to. Or perhaps you want to go further away from home, that is up to you. But the police in your area, can steer you in the right direction. He might not have a right to see the kids if he is considered abusive. Going back to your family may be the first place he would look. There is that to consider. So please be careful, but please get out of there. I am in an emotional situation myself, and I have just begun the process of an intervention. Anyways, you have to think about the kids. That is what I am trying to do as well. Keep them safe.leave no clues, tell no one where you are going. Just go.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your first obstacle to overcome is to really believe that you have the right to exist; the right to feel safe; the right to be treated with respect and basic human dignity. Next, make up your mind that you can and will do whatever it takes to have all the above. Do not telegraph your intentions to anyone. Squirrel away some money someplace safe. See your nearest court for an order of protection. It will, no doubt, give you and the kids legal right to stay in the home (temporarily) and will restrain him from coming around. The cops aren't much help unless you are able to call them and until they show up. Have a serious plan to attend to your own protection for a few minutes, should you need to. The self defense mechanism you choose isn't as important as making sure you are absolutely willing and able to use it. You should expect that he will try to intimidate you, manipulate you, threaten you. This will happen whether you go to a shelter or your mom's or to a NASA station on the moon. Unless you are mentally prepared to withstand these mindgames without caving, you may as well stay where you are. In my opinion, a life lived in fear isn't a life worth having and a home without peace and security isn't a home. Bullies prey on the weak but most are cowards and shy away from strength. The few who don't aren't bullet proof.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

To all others who might wish to respond with advice to DanglingDaisy, *PLEASE DO NOT* unless you have some experience and know what to advise and what not to advise. I have no doubt that Complexity meant well, but that is the absolutely wrong advice to give to a woman who is trying to flee from abuse. If you feel you must respond, then please just be supportive of her without trying to advise her. Sorry if I offend anyone, but good intentions could get this woman harmed or killed.

DanglingDaisy, please pay not attention to any suggestion that you stay in the house and get a restraining order. There is absolutely no way you can protect yourself and no point in thinking you can protect yourself. You have to leave, basically disappear (because he will expect you're at or near your mom). And that is not so difficult as you may think. It simply is going to take some time, some research, and some phone calls. In the meanwhile, give him and no one else any clue of your intentions.

I don't know where you live because I don't know where AB is (Alberta, Canada???). So, I am going to tell you what is available in the US, and you can look for similar services in AB if that is in Canada.

You can call 211 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Either number will direct you to help or a shelter in your area. You don't necessarily have to go to a shelter right now if you don't feel you are in danger, but they are experts at helping you plan your escape. I do suggest you do go to a shelter when you are ready to leave because there you will find many kinds of assistance. Now, because of the limited availability, they might be less likely to take in a woman who complains of verbal and emotional abuse. They try to reserve space (when space is limited) for women who are in immediate danger, such as a woman being threatened or readily beaten. So, I hate to say this but you might have to embellish the truth just a little. It's up to you. Most DV shelters allow you to stay up to 30 days. Some allow you to stay for longer periods but even when the initial time expires, they normally permit an extension and during that time, they are working hard to help you find permanent residence and housing assistance. They realized a very long time ago that they HAD to have resources available because it made no sense to allow a woman to stay in shelter for a month or two with no place to go afterward except back to her abuser.

DV shelters are not what a person might perceive shelters to be. Usually, they are large homes, where a woman and her children will have a room of their own that is clean. They provide food without charge. Some are run institution style where there is a cafeteria and everyone eats at the same time. Others are very lenient and each woman cooks whatever she and her children want to eat whenever they want to eat. Either way, there are resources available to you there.

They have access to local and state programs, where a woman can get an apartment or house rent-free for a certain period of time - from 3 months up to 18 months, while you find employment and get on your feet. They have access to other programs where rent and utilities are subsidized (small portion to large portion of rent is paid) for x amount of time - 1 year up to 3 years. And, when Section 8 opens up in that county, women in shelter or other such housing programs are the first to be accepted into the Section 8 program.

When you call a DV shelter for information, ask them to tell you about all their housing programs and how they can help you, but also call other DV shelters in your surrounding area. It doesn't have to just be the one nearest you. Each community/county has different things to offer.

Believe it or not, they can even send you to another state. I was once in a DV shelter, and they paid my train fare to another state. They also helped me make arrangements to go directly to a DV shelter in the new state, and the case manager in that shelter helped me find an 18-month housing program. The shelter I was in was only a 30-day stay, so I was hoping to find an extended stay program (up to 9 months) while I looked for a job in my new state and was able to work and save up some money. But, I was very happy the case manager advocated for me to get me in that 18-month housing program. I didn't have to pay rent for a year and a half, and they also paid my electric bill when I fell short. One of the requirements of the program was that I had to save some money each month, but times were hard and the job I found didn't pay much (but it was something until I found a better job), so they continued to pay my electric bill each month so that I would at least have that amount of money to save. It was a wonderful life saver for me, and I am still grateful for the help and happy to tell others about the assistance they can receive.

You are also eligible to receive a food card in your state. You will not be refused. Sometimes it takes a month or more for the approval to come through, but almost every state has an emergency eligibility option that you can apply for and will receive your food benefits in 1 or 2 days. Also, you can get money for expenses from the state.

Talk with 2 or 3 attorneys so you know what your rights are and what to expect. Ordinarily, the initial consultation is free. They can advise you on any money you will receive in child support and when to expect receiving it. They can also advise about taking your children out of state. Where I live, there is no law against taking and moving your children away (if you plan to move to another state) unless there is a restraining order in place. Well, if he doesn't know of your plans to leave, then he cannot very well get a restraining order to prevent you from taking your kids. Once you are away, he cannot make you bring the children back. Whatever visitation is decreed will have to work within the limitations of the distance between you and him.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dangling,
The advice below seems well thought out. I do agree that speaking with lawyers and women who work in abuse shelters is a necessary next step. 

They may recommend you gather evidence of his threatening behavior as that will likely help you get a legal judgement that is more protective of you and the kids. 

Whatever you do, be very careful. Statistically a woman and her children are at greatest risk of physical harm at the point of departure. 




River1977 said:


> To all others who might wish to respond with advice to DanglingDaisy, *PLEASE DO NOT* unless you have some experience and know what to advise and what not to advise. I have no doubt that Complexity meant well, but that is the absolutely wrong advice to give to a woman who is trying to flee from abuse. If you feel you must respond, then please just be supportive of her without trying to advise her. Sorry if I offend anyone, but good intentions could get this woman harmed or killed.
> 
> DanglingDaisy, please pay not attention to any suggestion that you stay in the house and get a restraining order. There is absolutely no way you can protect yourself and no point in thinking you can protect yourself. You have to leave, basically disappear (because he will expect you're at or near your mom). And that is not so difficult as you may think. It simply is going to take some time, some research, and some phone calls. In the meanwhile, give him and no one else any clue of your intentions.
> 
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you feel weak, powerless, codependant, not smart enough, etc, hiding out in a shelter, surrounded by well-meaning advocate experts or sneaking off out of state doesn't sound like a plan likely to fix your problem. That sounds like a plan likely to reenforce in your mind the cruel lie that you are powerless. The world is full of scary people and scary situations. If you don't fix "you", you will be timid to be alone and you'll just end up with another person who will take advantage of your imagined weakness. Shelters, courts, lawyers, create mostly the illusion of security. If the boogie man shows up, lawyers and social workers will be the first ones to dive under the table. Nobody will defend you like you will. Nobody will defend your kids like you will. Counselors can help you, a good self defense class can help. Ultimately, you've got to get your peace of mind, your courage, and your self-reliance back. If you're trusting some low level bureaucrat with your life, you have greater faith than I do.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

A woman's shelter would help! They are in discreet locations.

I left my ex after a year of his abuse. I wasn't afraid of him, but he stalked me for an entire year after I left. It could of been worse. He stole my checkbook out of my car with my license and took a credit card in my name and maxed it out to get back at me. Get a separate checking account and make sure he does not find out. 

We no longer have contact with him. I've never seen such anger before in my life. He's worse then ever. He had a gf move in 3 days after I left, now they are married and he treats her worse then he did to me. My ex has held me hostage in my apartment and has almost killed my daughter and I once with his car. That entire year was hell, I could not imagine years of that sort of treatment.

Find out where there are woman shelters you can go to. Going to a relatives house nearby probably is not a good idea. 

My heart goes out to you. I'm not sure it would of been just as easy to leave the longer I stayed. I've never seen such a sick person as he.

Whatever you do, make sure he has no idea you are making these plans. Get the police involved as well. Especially on moving day if you don't have enough time in the day to leave. You will need a restraining order. If you have a cell, get a new number. Make sure you have a good lawyer too. The women's shelter can help you get back on your feet safely.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Daisy:

I'm sorry you're in this situation, truly! River has given you some good advice. Take it! My only advice to you is this:

Forgive YOURSELF for being with this man. You have made a mistake (which you acknowledge) as WE ALL HAVE. Everyone makes mistakes and there is NO SHAME in that. Just acknowledge it, work slowly and carefully to rectify it, and determine that you and your children will never repeat this mistake in the future. Don't let fear, shame and false pride rule you; become more than you were yesterday.

Hang in there, accept good professional counsel, and let us know how you're doing. Coming here to TAM is a good place to vent and get support from people who KNOW what you're going through.

We love you, girl !!!


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