# Anyone have reconciliation stories after a spouse moved out?



## Stephanie.Jackson

I've been married for 3 years and 3 months, and dday was on June 17th of this year. I had a PA and somewhat of an EA (I thought I was in love with the OM, but when my husband came home from a year long deployment, I realized I wasn't and this OM was basically a "stand-in" for him while he was gone). 

I've been living in a townhome 3 miles away from my husband for 2 weeks now, per his request. He said the chance of R is slim to none but if there were a chance, it'd occur only if I do not live in the home we own together. My husband has asked me out to dinner once, one week ago, but then on Thursday he said we need to go NC to really see if he can work through my affair. However, he has not been sticking to his NC request and openly admits he keeps saying NC, but thinks of an excuse to call daily still (which makes me happy). We had our first marriage counseling yesterday and it went very well, although he said R is impossible cause how could he ever trust me again? But the counselor believes this is salvageable but this is too fresh still for him (I agree). 

I was just wondering if anyone has had an R success while living separately from the BS/WS? I know most people who reconcile live with the spouse and build up from that, but this is what he wanted and so I am complying. He said he needs space to clear his head... 

Thank you.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Hey Unhappy2011, why don't you read the question before you respond? Yeah, that'd be great, thanks.


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## anonymouskitty

I have a question, next time your husband gets deployed will the "stand in" be back????


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## that_girl

You just have to give your husband time. 

I reconciled with my husband after he moved out for 3 months. But there was no cheating...none of this stuff. It was solely our communication and my issues that brought the house down.

I got into deep therapy (which I recommend for you. independent therapy) and learned a ton on how to deal with myself and my husband. 

You want all of this to happen so quickly...and it can, but it will probably backfire on you. Let your husband breathe and go through the process of dealing with your affair. You can't control this, although I know you'd love to. It doesn't work that way. You made your choice to cheat, now the ball is in his court.


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## Nsweet

Yours is truly a problematic situation, but I can't sit here and judge. I emphasize with both of you here and I'm going to try to offer you as much insight as possible. 

I was in the Navy and joyfully married until I got out and problems arose, then she cheated to show me a lesson, and we separated. I had a lot of issues going on at that time so her ever creeping "friend" (Quagmire vs Lois) stepped in and made a move. It was a very painful divorce that could have been avoided, but the OM is nowhere near a better man. 

About your situation. You cheated on your husband, but you took responsibility and admitted your faults and are now looking for help to save your marriage. Others may chastise you but I admire hat you came here instead trying to solve this on your own.

Yes this situation is salvageable, but you you need to know exactly what to do and how to behave or else you'll only drive him further away. Read any book on reconciliation and you'll see the importance of agreeing with the WS no matter what, but part of that means agreeing to the NC at all costs. 

How long do you think he will keep calling you? Keep asking you out? As long as he gets some sort of value from you, but as soon as he feels he has control over you he will burn you and push you further away. That is why you need to agree to NC early on and try to ignore him as much as possible. You will politely let him know his decision for NC is for the best and that you both need time to heal. 

It's been less than a month since D-day and you both need time to whine, and b!tch, and cry all on your own and aren't ready to talk let alone reconcile as friends. You need to understand at this point you're losing respect by giving into him. He will respect you more if you don't let him into your world when he wants. I mean he found you attractive in the beginning when you were a challenge, it's not any different now. 

You're going to keep seeing him in MC so just stick with that for the next few months while you do some reading up and posting on TAM. I would start reading "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer Mcdonald tonight, which you can only find on torrent sites. Then get a copy of "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis from ebay. When you get the message that divorce SUCKS and can be prevented or lessened through maturity you'll be ready to read "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley and "Surviving Infidelity" by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris. There that's 4 books you can read through in the next two months that will really help.

I'll be posting here more in the future. Have faith and good luck!:smthumbup:


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Thank you That Girl and NSweet.
There will not be another deployment, he's finished with his 2 and he is getting out.

I am still not forcing myself on my husband though, That Girl. Oh, do I wish I were, I miss him a lot. But I have stuck to the NC and he actually didn't call or text yesterday. Yes, I would love for this to happen quickly, but I know it's not and I am not forcing it to. Just taking it day by day. School starts up on Monday, so I will be super, super busy with my nursing school AND work. And all these books.

To be honest, I really could stay completely away and sound content when he calls about us keeping the NC, but I am terrified that what if my excitability is one of the only things keeping him calling me? What if me saying things like "I really think we should keep the NC in place for a while longer" pushes him away? Now a week and a half ago I did practice this for 2 days where I basically sounded like my day was so busy and I didn't even have time to talk to him, and he seemed to be really drawn to that, curious as to what I am doing and why all the sudden I didn't want him to stay over longer than he had to. So maybe he will appreciate me acting nonchalant during our conversations? I guess I will give it a shot 

I forgot to add in the other thread I started in CWI that the OM has been coming to my work. I never speak to him, but he pops up while I am in the middle of doing my dog training classes (the training area is blocked off with glass walls) and he just stands there watching me for like 5 minutes or so, then leaves. And I obviously don't stop my classes to talk to him. But he's done this twice and it always startles me to look up and bam he's right there. But like I said, he hasn't called or texted or tried to actually talk to me.


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## that_girl

That's just it....you don't get to say how long NC takes place. He does.

This is a lot of drama with your OM, etc. Tell him to leave you alone for good the next time he just pops up.


I still dont' think you understand all that is going on here..or that needs to be done by your husband. It can't just be rugswept. He may find that being without you if just fine. That's always an outcome you should prepare for as well.

You seem to be playing games. HE DID NOTHING WRONG and you are playing games to keep him interested. talk to the man when he calls/texts and leave him alone when he doesn't.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

That Girl, that was the advice from Nsweet. 
But please (not trying to be rude) stop saying that I am forcing myself upon my husband, or bothering him after he said no contact. I have not texted/called him (except the one thing we discussed was perfectly fine for me to contact him about which is date/time/place of MC) at ALL. I am keeping the contact so minimal, that I've had another MC/IC appt scheduled since Monday and I am not going to text him the date/time until 2 days before the appt that way I have no reason to send him a "reminder text". I have not rug swept this situation though, I still am confused why you think I am. I have never told my husband to get over it, or stop thinking about it, or it is no big deal. The only thing I asked him was to ask me anything that was bothering him, and believe I am telling the truth. At first he still didn't believe me, but then he realized that the things i was telling him hurt us both to hear so bad (especially him) and was embarrassing for me to say outloud to him, and that if I were going to lie, I'd be telling him small, not-so-bad parts of what happened. Which I am not, he's hearing the worse of the worst. Everytime he asks for a truth, and I tell him, he gets angry and our conversation for the day is over. But then he has that question out of the way and ready for the next one. At this point, I think we've cleared everything out of the way. Or at least all the things he wants to know. But we'll see.

Okay, that just drifted off. YES, I need to tell the OM to go away, but since he popped up both times while I was training a class full of people/dogs, I can't just leave the training area to have a conversation. I've shot him dirty looks (and by dirty, I don't mean sexual) and he just sits there kind of smiling. I work tonight, and I do not have any training classes today so if he pops up, I will be able to tell him to leave me alone. My work schedule is always the same, so he knows I work today.


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## Hope1964

We did. Link to our story in my sig.


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## Nsweet

Ok, I don't think you get NC very well. No contact means NO phone calls to see how both of you are doing, and NO texts telling him when to show up to MC. Why are you your husbands secretary for MC appointments? Your therapists should be able to call him and leave a message. That's part of what they get paid to do. They talk to both of you and try help you work through indifference. 

If your H doesn't show up then leave him alone and keep going to MC yourself. You have no say in this situation and he will not be able to trust you for quite some time.... but he may still like you enough "as a friend" to want to work on these issues together and rebuild his shattered dreams with you. You have to listen to experienced posters here and follow the advice for NC. You guys broke up! There is nothing you can do to get him back overnight. 

What is with you and the OM? I'm beginning to think you like having him around as a fall back option. Shooting him dirty looks only feeds his need for attention and makes him think that if he's really good that maybe you'll talk to him and take him back. If you really wanted him gone you would ignore him completely and take out a restraining order if he doesn't take off. Harsh as that may be, a signed copy of a restraining order is a big step towards showing your husband the affair is 100% over.


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## Jellybeans

Some do, but most don't. Generally separation leads to divorce.

Just saying. 

The only times it works is when both parties WANT it to work and are fully committed to the marriage. One person alone can't do it.


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## This is me

My wife left me for 4 months and then came home. Things have steadily gotten better. There was no PA, but she may have had an EA and certainly was supported by a sister to crash our marriage.

After 3 months I was done with limbo and said we need to go one way or another. She decided to move back home. I think it is best to give him space so he can process and decided which way he wants to go.

If your MC said it is salvagable after hearing from both of you there is hope. But time will tell. Patience is critical.

I hope you can both rectify this and make it work, but I am not in your husbands boots. That being said, I understand this happens much more than it should to our guys in the armed forces and it really pisses me off when I hear stories like this.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Okay NSweet, I do not know what you are talking about. You just went off on some random rampage that has nothing to do with our situation. My husband and I both discussed NC, and HE (NOT ME) keeps calling and texting me. I had discussed MC and he said that was fine and just to let him know when the sessions were. HE SAID TO CALL HIM (Which I am only texting, because will otherwise start talking about other things). He does NOT want someone else calling about the scheduled time. He said he will GLADLY go to counseling and has no problems with me talking to him about it, as well as if we need something (paperwork, items, favors, ect) we can contact each other. But no contact just for every day talk.

I am not even going to go there with your thought of me teasing the OM and keeping him as a fallback option... wtf?

Anyways, thank you JellyBeans and This is Me. I am still confused (as I am sure my husband is) about our situation and where it is headed. I am just taking whatever life throws at me. And I will continue to be here for my husband if he needs anything. As much as I miss him, I know this NC thing is important to help give him time to be a little less angry and think about what he wants from life. 
It does stink that this happens so much to men in the armed forces. It also stinks when the deployed men cheat on their spouse while they are gone. My husband said it happened a TON and many of his soldiers cheated on their wives. My friend's husband got another woman (a lesbian!) pregnant while he was deployed. It goes both ways but many people tend to only blame the wives because "the men aren't in the right mindset, it's not their fault." I am not saying all this to justify what I did, but it does bother me when I hear that because I know a small portion of what my friend went through and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.


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## Shaggy

Steph,

About the OM. Do not talk with him. Stop looking at him. Nothing, that is you breaking NC with the OM. Instead: 1) have someone at work ask him to leave and not return. 2) tll your husband that OM has done ths and that you had X from work make him stop and not return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stephanie.Jackson

That's a good idea. Only one of my coworkers knows about the affair, and my coworker likes the OM (he used to come to my work to see me almost every shift) but is the only one who can identify him. I can ask him to tell the OM that I wish he would not come in as I do not want to see him. I really doubt I can just have someone ask him to leave seeing as he has every right to be there and he does have a dog, so being in Petsmart isn't surprising.


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## Shaggy

You could sick a rabid hamster at him.

Seriously, I think if you explain that he isn't there to shop, but to see you, then he can be asked to leave.


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## Numb in Ohio

I can't help but feel that if your H was still overseas, that you'd still be cheating with the OM. 

He was his "stand in"??? While he's over fighting for our country? WTH??

I understand you may want back with your H, but is that just because you obviously can't be by yourself?

Last question: If your H would of (God forbid), been killed in action, how would you of handled that situation,, have you discussed this in counseling?

Sorry, just not much sympathy here...


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Numb in Ohio, I always thought I couldn't be by myself as well. But something I haven't mentioned to many people, and briefly touched on the subject with my husband last night, is that I have been enjoying myself in my own place. I can do whatever I want, at any time, and it be okay. Yes, I'd much rather be with my husband right now, but for the meantime I am going to enjoy my independence.
Yes, I probably would still be using the OM as a stand-in. Because that was his point, to be there when my husband wasn't. Not saying it was right at all, but in reality that's what it was.

I had thought about him being killed in action while he was deployed and I would feel even worse than I do now if that happened. Also because the community/friends would be so supportive and feel so bad, ect., and I will know that I had been cheating on him almost the whole deployment. No, I have not discussed that in counseling. I am not sure if I need to since it didn't happen thank God.


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## Numb in Ohio

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I always thought I couldn't be by myself as well. But something I haven't mentioned to many people, and briefly touched on the subject with my husband last night, is that I have been enjoying myself in my own place. I can do whatever I want, at any time, and it be okay. Yes, I'd much rather be with my husband right now, but for the meantime I am going to enjoy my independence.


But maybe you are only ok with your "independence" of being alone, in your own place, because your H is not very far away,, he's not overseas....

I do hope for your and his sake that you are truly remorseful. And I know you mentioned that he would not be deployed anymore... but IF he would R with you, and IF he would of been re deployed a year or two in the future,, would you of been faithful to him then??? I know that no one can answer that, since there's not that option... 

If you want it to work, you need to figure this out..


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## Pandakiss

my husband moved out, and went dark for 4 months, 5 months after he left, we started talking, and made great steps to heal.

during the time he was away, i cut all contact with friends, and all negative outside influences. so as he went dark on me, i went dark on everyone else.

i started doing deep inner searching to figure out why this happened. i hated him for not speaking to me, i hated him for leaving me.

i knew it was for the best. i only called him if it had to do with our daughter, i didnt talk about us, or ask him when he was coming back.

he did tell me he was thinking about dating, and about other girls, and he wanted me to get my sh!t together....

he was waiting on me. he didnt tell me that, but when i was ready i knew. 

but i took the time for me. i read a lot of books, and found anything i could watch about relationships. and i dont my apt was cleaner....

but i needed time to figure out who i was, and why i hurt him this way, and i didnt want to go through this again, i wanted to be normal.

i wanted us to be normal, so why did i do this, and how can he ever trust me again???? how could i trust myself again....i had to know what was going on with me.


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## Numb in Ohio

My opinion is that you two need to divorce and seek counseling for individual issues. 

IF after counseling you decide to start dating and start a "new"relationship, you will both be able to do so with healthy cleared intentions.. and see if it is meant to be.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Numb in Ohio said:


> I do hope for your and his sake that you are truly remorseful. And I know you mentioned that he would not be deployed anymore... but IF he would R with you, and IF he would of been re deployed a year or two in the future,, would you of been faithful to him then??? I know that no one can answer that, since there's not that option...
> 
> If you want it to work, you need to figure this out..



I wouldn't do this again. I do not know how people have dday #1, #2, #5 ect. This has been way too painful not just for me, but especially for my husband. If for whatever reason he had to deploy again, I am pretty sure I would totally isolate myself. Of course, the OM met me through my work :/ but I know that as much as I wished/thought I could keep it at "just friends" that is impossible and know never to put myself in that situation again. That was a very valuable lesson for me to learn and looking back it's obvious that I couldn't be friends with the only man I had been attracted to besides my husband in the past 5 years. I knew I felt something toward him because I could have honestly cared less if every other man in the world died when I was with my husband and before I met the OM. Can't change the past though, just make the future better.

Pandakiss, thank you for the response.


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## Pandakiss

That's all you can do is make the future better. I would just give it time. 

He loves you and you hurt him very deeply. Trust has been destroyed. This takes time to build up. 

Start with being honest with your self about why this happened. 

Even though my husband got back together, I would still read any self help book I came across. 

I would read anything having to do with cheating. I tried to find some scenario close to mine, and looked for reasons. 

This helped me see my actions for what they were. 

My husband needed to see every receipt and my time accounted for. We didn't have all the digital tec that's available now so it was hard to account for every second. 

When he went dark, I got no explanation no time frame. He could have been out with other women, and I couldn't and still can't get mad 

I caused it. I had to except he might not want me back. So I worked on me. Later on he asked what I had been doing. 

So I told him the process I have went through. The thinking I have been doing. 

He was glad I was thinking about him and working on myself. Tam is a great place and I wish id found it earlier. 

We cannot change the past. We have to accept it and make better choices. 

IMO your husband will know when you are remorseful. You will also know when you are there. 

Something I keep in my mind is I can't control the guy hitting in me, but I control myself and how I respond.


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## 23YearWife

Hi, Stephanie and best of luck. Life is hard and so is marriage, especially marriage involving long separations. Accept responsibility, but don't beat yourself up. Our bodies and our hormones are designed to ensure procreation, not fidelity. Faithfulness comes from our minds and our hearts. Even with the best of intentions, it can be an effort at times. Under difficult circumstances, you slipped. Doesn't mean you will again.

I applaud the honest, open way you're handling this and I wish you both well.


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## lulubelle

we've been separated (he moved out) 3 months ago and we just broke nc after a month. we're sitting down for the talk wednesday, and i think we are both willing to R, but it will take work and time. i know he still loves me and has really missed me. hopefully after wednesday, i'll have a happy update. if it's not ment to be, i'm finally in the right mindset to let him go and be happy with me. although i love him and want to spend my life with him, i'm not willing to settle to be with him. fingers crossed!


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## HisMrs83

I did... However, there were no affairs and I made the choice to leave. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean you can't take something from it. Goodluck, Dear.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/47077-out-blue.html


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## bellringer

I do, My husband came back after being gone for a yr and a half, we both had our own apartments we sold our house, In fact we went through all the court procedings, a week before the divorce was to be final he was begging me to go to lunch with him and I agreed after blowing him off for the week and he asked if we could try again.


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## Atilia

Steph, I know how it feels. Although I never had an affair on my husband, he felt I flirted with his friends and did things to make him feel uncomfortable. We also separated the first time because on my birthday, I got a bit tipsy and was speaking to the bar tender at the venue we were at and he saw this as betrayal. I was just answering his question about how old I was turning as it was my birthday. None of his friends thought it was a big deal, but for him, this was the end. We also got into a huge fight when I had friends over drinking tea one Sat evening when we were sleeping in separate rooms and when he yelled at everyone to leave as we had the music on and he was trying to sleep at 8 pm, I went into his room and he pushed me against the door to move me out of the way but my friends heard a loud thump and then I called the police as my friends were saying that this was abuse. He had once put his hands around my neck in anger for 4 seconds and this reminded me that he may be violent, so I called the police to just speak to him, not arrest him. He never forgave me but moved back in with me one year later and still says he can't trust me again. Now we are separating for the second time as he is married to his job where he finally got a promotion at the expense of our marriage. I know I shouldn't have called the police in retrospect but I was scared that he would continue to yell and be violent maybe. But I apologised many times, now he is leaving again saying he may or may not be able to do marriage counselling. I don't know if I was being over reactive or if I did the right thing. he worries that I have a problem with my mental health when many therapists have said that I don't. he doesn't believe it and feels I need help but I am getting therapy for how I react to things and for my abandonment issues. 

Sorry getting back to you, it is good to give your husband his space so that his anger and resentment slowly leaves. You won't be able to have a loving relationship without trust and being together now will only end in despair. But if you wait it out and show him that you regret what happened and that you are genuine and sorry and that you respect what he needs right now, then he may come around. Now is the time to give him what he needs in order to over come his hurt and learn to trust you again.


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## 36Separated

On a positive, my wife left me 9 years ago telling me it was all over, I was devesated, she said she didn't love me and wanted me out her life. I left her alone and over the 6months she had on a rented property we got back together and had 8 happy years and 2 more children.
The neg... 3 weeks ago she did the same, but this time saying as before we would work it out and date etc, because she told me this word I have pestered her and now she has snapped and has started a divorce. I still love 100% and want to make it work, I don't know if any hope tho. I see her nearly everyday to pick kids up - each time shes friendly and she texts me everyday regarding something to do with the kids. So i'm just hanging in there, trying to give her all the space I can. Fingers crossed.


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