# Should I Call This Off ???



## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

Hello all. I am a “newbie”, and bringing my question to the Forum because I don’t want to talk about this to close friends/family. 

My fiancé and I started dating 7 months ago. We moved in together at 5 months (after he proposed). Everything was fabulous, until about a month after he moved in. Things started to change rapidly. 

First, it was his sex drive. We went from about 4 times per week to one time on the weekend. He’s always tired, and he just seems down quite a bit. He is 50, so things are expected to decline a bit, but this fast???


His apartment was always “neat as a pin” before he moved in. He is still neat, but doesn’t help with ANY of the household chores (except for washing the dishes). He washes HIS laundry (I FOLD IT), and buys HIS food from the Grocery Store….that’s it. We BOTH use the shower, but if I don’t clean it, it will never get done.


All of the excitement is just “gone.” The only time he gets excited is when we are going to do something HE wants to do. He is all of a sudden extremely “moody”, and I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster. I have asked him if it was me, if he was having 2nd thoughts, he says I have done absolutely nothing wrong. I am the same weight, have not changed my appearance, and I take good care of myself.


I have a son from a previous marriage. When we met, I asked him if he was ok with dating a woman with a Child, he said SURE!! Before he proposed, he said that he was “so happy” that he was becoming a part of our Family, but he won’t take part in, or initiate anything for us to do as a “family.” He makes plans for the two of us to go away on the weekends, but that's it. Our weekends alone are starting to make my Son feel so left out.


My fiancé and I split all of the household Bills 50/50, and I even pay several bills that he feels are (“unnecessary) on my own. (Pest Control / Alarm). I never ask him for material things, and with the bills, he gives me not a penny more, not a penny less. If there is a Bill that is due for $175.00, he will give me $87.50. 


The issue that I am having is that I feel like I am doing most of the “work” in the relationship. We both work full-time jobs, but still…It’s lopsided. He hardly helps around the house, won’t offer to cook unless I beg him to, and he kind of just watches me do everything around the house. He’s always telling me how I have so much on my plate, yet he refuses to chip in and help. When I come in from Grocery Shopping, he will sit on the couch and watch me bring all of the bags in, until I ask him to help. If I don't ask, he won't do it. 


I am planning a very small Halloween party this weekend for my Son, and I am taking him Trick or Treating. I love this time of year, and so does my Son. My fiancé doesn’t want to participate, nor go with us Trick or Treating.


I am actually starting to feel like he is more of a “burden” than an “enhancement” to my life. I thought a partner was supposed to "enhance" your life, and make you feel good! I understand there will be up's and downs, but I just feel so "worn down" all the time.

My “gut” is telling me that something is wrong here. I can't quite put my finger on it, but this just isn't right. I just get this general feeling of “Disconnect.” I wake each day wondering what kind of mood he’s going to be in, rather than thinking about our future together.


He is a genuinely good guy, but I just feel like he’s better suited for the “Bachelor” type of life, where he only has to tend to his own needs.


I think I need to hold off on marrying this Guy.


What do you all think??

I would especially LOVE to hear the MALE perspective on this.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

There are some similarities with your story and my previous marriage.

My ex husband was a wierdo with regard to our joint marital life. He never helped around the house even though we both had full-time careers. I never really minded that because I prefer to clean the house myself but the issue was that after I cleaned, he wouldn't even pick up minimally after himself. For instance, if he dropped something on the floor, it would stay there and get stuck-on dry until I got home. He also never instructed the kids to pick up after themselves so that became my sole responsibility.

But what was really strange is just how he lived his life with me and our children. After our second child was born, I would nurse and he said it disturbed him at night....so we stopped sleeping in the same room (which was fine with me)....eventually we built a new house with separate master suites. So he had his own room and bathroom and vice versa. He cleaned only his own space. He would also buy food for himself and stash it in his room. Initially it started with him hiding it in wierd places in the kitchen and then eventually migrated to him hiding his food in his room like a squirrel.

He also had wierd rules with the kids. He would pick his clothes and my youngest daughter's clothes out of the laundry pile and wash those himself but wouldn't do mine or my oldest daughters. It was just bizarre.

During social events with my family. He'd usually go (for the food) but then sit in a chair and not participate in whatever we were doing. Playing cards, etc. But at his family events, he was animated, etc. Eventually, I stopped going to his family events altogether because he'd often embarrass me by insulting me or saying rude nonsense.

Over the years, we ended up living very separate lives. He would only do something for me (ie, make me a cup of tea) if I promised to have sex with him. Since I never would promise that...I ended up doing everything for myself and my kids alone. 

Our marriage slowly turned into a barely civil roommate situation. We would maybe share a few words per week about the kids and that was it. It got more and more distant and he seemed to be fine with it. Except for sex, he was fine with our relationship. If I brought up that I was unhappy, he'd go on a rampage of insults and he'd tell me that if I had problems with our marriage, I needed to fix it myself. He wasn't capable of affection, even with our children. He was distant, judgmental, angry and felt that the world was against him.

So I finally fixed it...I divorced him.

Right after I got separated, I met the man of my dreams and my life is much, much different now. It took me a couple of years to realize that my ex-husband was broken in some way. He just wasn't capable of being a partner to someone else and has a lot of difficulty making close connections with others. I don't think he ever loved me and it wasn't his fault, he just wasn't capable of it. He married me because I served his needs. I earned money, cleaned, cooked and bore children and that was all that he wanted. I think I also made him look normal. He begged me not to divorce him because he told me that he knew he'd be alone...I think he knew there was something wrong with him. 

If you're anything like me...that's not going to be good enough. And I can tell you from personal experience that you're doing your child a disservice. My new husband is the kindest person I've ever met and he and my children have a close, loving relationship and its wonderful. 

Not all men are cut out to be partners. It sounds like you might have picked someone like that and I implore you not to waste too much of your time and get your child too attached to him until you figure out if that's the case. Don't waste too much time on someone like this...I wish I hadn't.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Txtea,
Do you mind sharing how old your son is? 

The reason I ask is this. If he's 17 - then your husbands neglect - while unfortunate isn't 'fatal'. If he's a lot younger than your husbands neglect is going to harm him over time. 

And I don't think your H is as nice as maybe you do. When a woman comes home with packages - a decent guy gets up and offers to help her bring them in. 

I actually just say: are there more packages in the car? If M2 says yes I head for the car. 








txtea48 said:


> Hello all. I am a “newbie”, and bringing my question to the Forum because I don’t want to talk about this to close friends/family.
> 
> My fiancé and I started dating 7 months ago. We moved in together at 5 months (after he proposed). Everything was fabulous, until about a month after he moved in. Things started to change rapidly.
> 
> ...


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

MEM11363, thank you so much for your reply. He is 11 Years old.


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

Since you haven't married him yet, I would ask him to leave. He brings nothing to the table. Your role as Mom is much more important, and your son is going to be harmed by the disinterest of this adult in his life.


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

EnigmaGirl,

Thanks for telling your story. I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did, but you got your beautiful child out of the Marriage.

You are SO very right. My "Gut" hasn't failed me yet. I know I just need to go ahead and end this. Just wanted to get "forum opinion's" to make sure I wasn't moving too fast when it came to doing just that.


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

You are go right Boltam!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Not husband material nor father material. Leave. You are not gaining anything here. Put your son's wellbeing above your own. This man has the perfect roommate. You pay half of everything and do all the housework. He has it made. What are you getting?


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Don't marry him & consider yourself lucky that he showed his true colors after he moved in with you, instead of after you two married.

When you get into a serious relationship with a man or woman who has kids, they also become part of the relationship or it doesn't work.

Your son is young enough to be very hurt by this and rightly so. Call this thing off & get rid of him before you get too close & your son becomes too distant.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

The standard you set before marriage in regards to housekeeping, ways of interacting and general life skills is the way is going to stay. The reality is if you are unhappy now, it wont get better just by marrying. If you have any doubt at all, please do not marry him. While it may be hard to think about, it will be much harder should you marry and then decide to separate.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Txtea,

Let me throw this out there for you to consider. 

If your son wasn't in the picture, I'd give you some strategies for trying to fix this broken relationship before you proceed to marriage. 

But your son is in the picture. And if you proceed to marriage that young fellow is going to slowly come to believe a few things:
- You are ok with placing him in a situation where your primary life partner ignores him. He will eventually come to the realization that his step father viewed him as a 'necessary evil'. A part of the package, but not a part that the step father wanted. 
- You are ok with a primary life partner who is more focused on contractual fairness than he is on loving and caring for you. 

This last bit is a subtle thing but it's actually very important. 

The difference between the three response types below is huge. You come home with groceries and your partner:
1. Doesn't offer to help
2. Asks if YOU want their help, if you say yes they do it, but they are doing it for you, not for them
3. Asks if you have more bags in the car and then happily goes and gets them for you

That last bit, is someone who is really into you. They like to do nice things for you because you are important to them. 

The bit about his not going trick or treating - is appalling. It's a once a year thing. 

Cut your losses. This isn't fixable. 





txtea48 said:


> MEM11363, thank you so much for your reply. He is 11 Years old.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Hes definitely not codependent.

Not enough information, actually.

Could be you have a different standard and time frame for household things. Often moms will be constantly busy maintaining a house and caring for others.

It's unrealistic to expect him to care about the things you consider important if they aren't to him. 

This is very hard for some women to accept. A codependent husband will help out and support their spouse even if the busy busy tasks are not really important to them. At the Sam time women will often vilify a spouse who simply doesn't give a [email protected] about the routine tasks of running a house.

This is the traditional American husband - wife structure.

It's not politically correct to say all this but it's true. That's my relationship and it works well. But I've been partially domesticated.

I suggest you recognize he is a free range man who had not yet come to recognize the needs - wants if a mom and wife.

No need to throw him away just because he's not yet broken in (down)


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TheTruth,

Trick or treat?




TheTruthHurts said:


> Hes definitely not codependent.
> 
> Not enough information, actually.
> 
> ...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Dating and even engagement are a trial period to marriage. During this time period you get to know the person further and better. If it doesn't work out it is okay. Contrary to the media and the marriage industry, it is okay to call a wedding off.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Kick him to the curb. Your son should come first in your life. Enjoy your time with your son and perhaps since you do have a young son, you would spend a longer amount of time getting to know someone before you move them in with the two of you.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Thanks for telling your story. I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did, but you got your beautiful child out of the Marriage.
> 
> You are SO very right. My "Gut" hasn't failed me yet. I know I just need to go ahead and end this. Just wanted to get "forum opinion's" to make sure I wasn't moving too fast when it came to doing just that.


I definitely don't have any regrets about my marriage aside from the fact it just lasted way too long and I should have left sooner. But honestly, things happen for a reason and you're completely right...I have lovely children and it also taught me what I didn't want if I ever had a chance to have another relationship.

If I could tell you one thing....do not compromise...even if it means you'll be single for the rest of your life. You can be happy single but you cannot be happy (and your son cannot be happy) in a substandard, argument-laden, unaffectionate relationship.

I think you're making entirely the right choice to trust your instincts. It sucks to have to end a relationship but the first part of a relationship is usually the part where the person is on their best behavior. If this is how he is now...imagine your life with him in a few years.


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## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

Yes. 

If he is doing this now think about after you get married its only going to get worse. Has he been married before? Does he have an ex you can talk to, I bet he has done this before with him. It doesn't matter if your son is 5 or 17, if he wants you for you then he needs to be a step-dad and not a dead beat. Yes he works but that's ALL he does. If the sex is already declining too that will disappear after marriage.


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

I had already made up my mind, but this morning was the "Nail in the Coffin!!" It's Thunderstorms and Lightening galore outside this morning, and my Son rides the Bus to School. I am getting ready for work, and my (soon to be Ex-Fiance) wakes to use the restroom. He gets back into bed, but is awake. He says "I'm so glad I don't have to get out in these Thunderstorms this Morning!" (He has the day off). I say "I love the rain, but I just hate it that my Son has to stand out in these storms at the Bus Stop." My soon to be Ex turns around in bed and goes back to sleep.

Now, I'm not expecting anyone to be a mind reader, but If that were ME, I would have offered to take HIS son to School. It's RIGHT AROUND THE FREAKING CORNER!!!! 

I usually leave 30 minutes before my Son each morning, so taking him to school would make me late. This morning, I took him to school, and was late to work, while that sorry excuse for a Man stayed in Bed.


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

Pickil65,

Yes, he has been married twice before. First marriage he was very young, and did it because he was leaving for the military. Second, because she was pregnant. Most recent engagement, he called the wedding off during Pre-marital counseling. He said she had "Champagne taste", and they only had a "Beer Bottle Budget."


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

I REALLY need to end this tonight, but I don't want to ruin Halloween for my Son and I. Think I'll wait til Monday.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Call it off and thank the universe for showing you what this man is really like before you made the mistake of marrying him!

EDIT TO ADD: OOPS! I didn't read all the way through, I see you already came to this conclusion! Good for you!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I think you are way off base and overreacting. Your judgement is clouded by your emotions for your kid and you have unrealistic expectations for him.

My wife drive my kids to school for years in all manner of weather, she coddled the fvck out of them.

I drove them a handful of times - today drive a son who I made stay home and work on a college application.

If he's a good guy but doesn't feel the household stuff is important and thinks a kid can walk to school in the rain and snow (as I do) then your job is to work with him and talk about what's important to you and ask what's important to him.

In a marriage you may have to do the things you care about and he doesn't and vice versa. There is compromise and he's not a mind reader nor should you expect him to be.

I hear s spun up out of control woman here. That drives most men to shut down. So think about it and look on the mirror before blaming it all on him


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

OMG, TheTruthHurts, this isn't 1950. It's not okay for a man to just not care about household chores and expect the woman to do it all just because he's a man. 

If he doesn't care about the chores of living in his home, then she gets to choose that she doesn't care about having him in said home.

That's not being "out of control." That's making her own choices. Women get to do that now.

Welcome to the 21st century.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Nynaeve said:


> OMG, TheTruthHurts, this isn't 1950. It's not okay for a man to just not care about household chores and expect the woman to do it all just because he's a man.
> 
> If he doesn't care about the chores of living in his home, then she gets to choose that she doesn't care about having him in said home.
> 
> ...


Yeah I see your lips moving but I don't hear what you're saying. I live in this century too BTW. I thought I read fiancé was 50. Try not to get your undies in a bundle over this. There are people living in the current time period that were actually born in different eras.

Btw guys my age pick up a sh*t load more slack in other areas we just don't have a problem accepting that male and female role models are different for us.

You want to date it marry a guy that acts like a woman that's fine by me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Hes definitely not codependent.
> 
> Not enough information, actually.
> 
> ...


So let's see, she should accept that as a woman, it's her place to do all the house work, cooking etc. If that's the case, then surely he needs to do the man's job and support her 100% and her money is all her own.. right?


I don't think it's that these things are not important to him. Why? If cooking is not important to him, we'd have to assume that eating is not important to him. She did say that she has to beg him to cook a meal. But she did not say that she has to beg him to eat. He'd have to cook a meal and eat whether she was living with him or not.

He would also have to fold his own clothing or at least deal with them were she not there.

She said that his place was clean before she moved in. So clearly some level of cleaning is important to him. But now that he has a live-in housekeeper (I mean girl friend) he can sluff that off.

Her needs are as valid as his needs. If they cannot be a team and work together then what's the point of being together? She's tried to talk to him. He's not interested in working this out.

She's paying half the bills and then some. The idea that she should have a full time job, pay half the bills and more, and then clean the house and do all the cooking is nonsense.

It's abusive to sluff off all household chores and cooking to one partner.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Yeah I see your lips moving but I don't hear what you're saying. I live in this century too BTW. I thought I read fiancé was 50. Try not to get your undies in a bundle over this. *There are people living in the current time period that were actually born in different eras.[/*


I'm 65. Definitely from a different era than most here. 

The OP has the right to set her own boundaries in life. She's free to live as she choses. She choses to not be his made and to also support herself.



TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw guys my age pick up a sh*t load more slack in other areas we just don't have a problem accepting that male and female role models are different for us
> 
> You want to date it marry a guy that acts like a woman that's fine by me



So if a man takes equal responsibility for the house/home, cooking, etc.. he's acting like a woman.

If this guy is like you suggest, having sexist view of what family life is supposed to be... then why is he not paying 100% of the bills and supporting her 100%? After all that's the man's role, right?

If he has strong views of men's roles and women's roles, then he's a hypocrite since he's more than willing to just accept women's roles as that benefits him. And he's more than willing to not accept the man's traditional role.

txtea48 sounds like a pretty smart woman... I'm sure that she's not interested in marrying a hypocrite.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Yeah I see your lips moving but I don't hear what you're saying. I live in this century too BTW. I thought I read fiancé was 50. Try not to get your undies in a bundle over this. There are people living in the current time period that were actually born in different eras.
> 
> Btw guys my age pick up a sh*t load more slack in other areas we just don't have a problem accepting that male and female role models are different for us.
> 
> You want to date it marry a guy that acts like a woman that's fine by me


LOL, my dad is 62. He and my mom shared chores equally. Just because a guy is older doesn't mean he's sexist. My grandpa is 80 and he always did household chores, too. Huh. How about that.

But don't worry, your cliched insults definitely put me in my place. From now on I'll know that men don't have to clean up after themselves because dude on the internet said so. And obviously any woman who thinks that household chores aren't inherently "women's work" is just out of control. Yeah, I'm convinced now. 

God, my husband is such a woman right now, better go make him stop cleaning the kitchen before his penis falls off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds much like my situation of 26 years! Trust your gut, this is a one-sided relationship and it will remain that way. No matter how much you openly and lovingly speak to your BF about what you see and feel you will probably get nothing more than, "There's noting wrong," "I am just this way, you need to accept me," "I have never been the initiator/planner." I have heard it all and it never changes.

When husband and I were dating I thought he was a gentleman. He willingly helped me with cooking, the household chores, the kids (step family). As soon as we got married it was like a switch was thrown. He wanted me to take care of the kids, his words and that included his two sons, said I knew more what was going on. I was working too but his free time became free time, time to sit and watch TV, do crossword puzzles, play games on the computer, anything that made him happy without taking responsibility. We went rounds of fighting over his lack of involvement and it never changed.

I felt like he married me to be the mother to the two sons he had custody of and to take care of all the household chores that he didn't like to do. He has not been emotionally available and counseling together has not helped that. He just wants to do is thing but his separateness does not bring closeness in the relationship at all, there is a great deal of emotional distance in our relationship. I pretty much do my thing and he does his.

If I had it to do all over again, I would have left at the first signs that I was not important to him and that was when he chose to go to a dinner party and dance with one of his male friends, after he invited me and then told me he was going with his friend (drinking buddy) instead.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This does not have a snowballs chance in hell of working.

There are better out there. Quit wasting time. You know this already. Now act and quit wasting your time.


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

What pisses me off the MOST is that it's ME who's reading all the dang Self Help Books (5 Love Languages), scheduling Pre-Marital Counseling, etc., and he is just not motivated at ALL! Last night, he asked for a "window" of time, so that he can step up and show me that he's "in it for the long haul?" 

I'm like......WTH? Shouldn't you have been showing me that all along?


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Nah, he has already shown you who he is and how things will be. He may straighten up his act for a while but it won't last.

If you have to work so hard at a relationship before you even say "I do" then what is the point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Lol a lot of women triggering on my posts. You're getting a lot of bad advice from angry women here. I wouldn't throw away a good relationship with someone just because your fiancé hasn't been broken in by one of these angry ladies.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw what the people posting here don't seem to get is that a marriage is s partnership - not on work but ideas and values. Differences should be cherished because there will be room for growth for you both.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Running into marriage with someone who you already know it won't work with is just setting yourself up for divorce. This is coming from a non-angry woman btw. When you have kids there is more than yourself to consider. He wasn't asking a woman to marry him; he was asking a woman with a child to marry him, and it's obviously not going to suit him. 'Yes' you do have a lot more options and 'no' you don't have to settle just because someone asked.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Lol a lot of women triggering on my posts. You're getting a lot of bad advice from angry women here. I wouldn't throw away a good relationship with someone just because your fiancé hasn't been broken in by one of these angry ladies.





TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw what the people posting here don't seem to get is that a marriage is s partnership - not on work but ideas and values. Differences should be cherished because there will be room for growth for you both.


Uh oh, someone is just as hurt and angry as the women being accused of giving bad advice.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Lol, why you mad bro?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Lol why you mad girl?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Lol a lot of women triggering on my posts. You're getting a lot of bad advice from angry women here. I wouldn't throw away a good relationship with someone just because your fiancé hasn't been broken in by one of these angry ladies.


So your advice is for a woman to go into a marriage despite not being happy in the relationship with the idea that she'll be able to break him in.

I'm wondering if you are confusing him with modelling clay.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I


breeze said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > Lol a lot of women triggering on my posts. You're getting a lot of bad advice from angry women here. I wouldn't throw away a good relationship with someone just because your fiancé hasn't been broken in by one of these angry ladies.
> ...


I never said she's should enter into the relationship. I said she shouldn't end the relationship based on the angry feedback on TAM. 

She doesn't need cheerleaders. This isn't some game. A diversity of thoughtful opinions is what people deserve who come here. It's difficult to find a good relationship and domestic behavior and attitudes are a small part of a long term relationship. Look at the very difficult issues people present here and the effort people go through to work things out. Where's the advice to work through the communication and work through creating common areas of concern?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

K I'm out of here. Good luck OP. Hope you and your kid end up in a good relationship.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Workathome said:


> Since you haven't married him yet, I would ask him to leave. He brings nothing to the table. Your role as Mom is much more important, and your son is going to be harmed by the disinterest of this adult in his life.


Dunno what the Mum role has to do with it.

The guy is a flatmate, and not a good one at that.

The cooking and cleaning? Pretty normal. Many guys don't "live for" house presentation, sure a clean house is lovely and everyone should have one ... its just that as life priorities go? Housework that has a kind of tidy-untidiness equilibrium is ok compared to far more interesting things in life. Interesting things..pretty much includes everything else in life.

Cooking. It's a routine chore that never seems to go away.
Most guys really aren't into routine. We like the big win, the dramatic finish, the best score yet, the taste of a beer _right_now_.
And cooking tends to be a lot of fiddle and hassle for something that never seems to come out as planned anyway.
Other peeps seem much better at it, do it more easily, and some even enjoy it.
It doesn't help that learning (or to others; teaching us fun cooking) has never in our life been a high priority.

Message to give your 50yr fiance, from this 47 yr old.

You're his fiance, not his mum.
this is 2015, not 1915.
measure up, do the house care stuff, and learn to like it. Learn to fun cook a couple of things and have it planned in advance (communicate it).
or move on.

The sex. You were the exciting mystery, when you arrived good things would happen.
No you are together and the day to day stuff gets in the way. You aren't all fun and attention on him, he doesn't get to have happy funtime bouncy cuddles with you because you have normal person stuff to do.
So he falls back into the routine.

Things will only (slowly) decline IMO. He has to actually want and desire to improve his activities, which is something he should be doing at his age anyway. At the moment you run the risk of being the financial option (ie cheap rent/lifestyle before retirement).
You both deserve much better.

that's this birth penis persons opinion.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP your relationship has passed the honeymoon phase where everything was new and exciting, where you both where on your best behavior. Moving in with someone after five months was quick, obviously to quick. The guy you are seeing now is the real deal, the honeymoon guy is gone, he's not pretending anymore, and if what you write is true the guy is a real smuck. You can't change him, at 50 his habits are what they are. 

If he fears losing you he may revert back to being lovey dovey but soon slide back into his true personality. When you tell him you are breaking up expect all the usual crap of how he will change, how he just needs time to adjust, how he didn't realize you felt this way, blah..blah..blah. Don't believe it, you see how he is, keep an eye on the facts and disregard his promises.

That's this guys opinion.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Txt, imo you got engaged too soon. You didn't have time to see who this guy really was. Now you see. 

I'd encourage you not to get angry, which is what I see more and more of in your posts. You should not be mad at who he is(rather turned out to be), you should be asking yourself why you painted the picture of who you THOUGHT he was. He probably projected what you wanted to see, because his desire may have been for a woman to "take care" of things at home. Some men just want that. 

You're simply incompatible when it comes to your desires. His ways don't mesh with yours. Don't put added vitriol behind what's basic truth. He's an older man set in his ways and he probably did what many men do to find the kind of woman he wanted. That's why dating is important not to rush. Is he going out of his way to be a D-bag? If no, just let him go and carry on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Lol a lot of women triggering on my posts. You're getting a lot of bad advice from angry women here. I wouldn't throw away a good relationship with someone just because your fiancé hasn't been broken in by one of these angry ladies.


What makes you think this is a good relationship? Sure, it's good for the guy. But, what is she getting out of it except more work? Plus, he's cheap, cheap, cheap! Not to mention, LAZY.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"It's difficult to find a good relationship and domestic behavior and attitudes are a small part of a long term relationship."

Wrong! Domestic behavior and attitudes make the marriage. What else - sex? Yeah, she ain't getting that, either. 

In your opinion, just what are the essentials of a long term relationship? Obviously, they don't involve domestic behavior, attitudes or sex.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

txtea, as has already been pointed out, you moved this guy in too fast. Please don't make a habit of moving guys in for a trial run. That isn't fair to your son. Being engaged did not mean that you knew him well enough to move him in. Just be thankful if you don't have to formally evict him.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Before I even read the post, I thought YES you should call it off. Marriage should not be entered into with doubt in your mind and heart. Things don't get better or easier after marriage. Then I read the post. And I think YES you should call it off.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Happily married not angry woman here.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Time for a full-blown "Come to Jesus" meeting with your man, pronto! 

Let's just say that your future as a couple is in serious doubt and greatly depends on it!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Lol a lot of women triggering on my posts. You're getting a lot of bad advice from angry women here. I wouldn't throw away a good relationship with someone just because your fiancé hasn't been broken in by one of these angry ladies.


I'm a man, and I'm apparently the oldest person posting on the thread (I'm 66), so according to you I should be fine with this?

Nope. Her fiance is a jerk and she should get rid of him. It's not a matter of sex roles, it's a matter of courtesy and partnership.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You don't have a choice about it TX because he's a long way from being what you expected and want in a partner. He may change when you give him walking papers but type of change usually doesn't last and it's a huge red flag that he didn't seem all that lazy as a bachelor but now isn't trying so hard. That sounds a like classic bait&switch. He put in extra effort to get you but he can't pull that off 24/7. Everyone has ups and downs but a keeper is someone who at least tries to go through the motions even when they're feeling down. It doesn't seem like he's making that effort though.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

txtea48 said:


> What pisses me off the MOST is that it's ME who's reading all the dang Self Help Books (5 Love Languages), scheduling Pre-Marital Counseling, etc., and he is just not motivated at ALL! Last night, he asked for a "window" of time, so that he can step up and show me that he's "in it for the long haul?"
> 
> I'm like......WTH? Shouldn't you have been showing me that all along?


Like you, read ll the self help books, husband didn't want a art of them. On of the books I read indicated that many times a man will put his best foot forward as long as here is a chase but once the chase is gone then he figures he got his prize and he relaxes into himself, the person he was before he met his GF/wife.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

txtea48 said:


> What pisses me off the MOST is that it's ME who's reading all the dang Self Help Books (5 Love Languages), scheduling Pre-Marital Counseling, etc., and he is just not motivated at ALL! Last night, he asked for a "window" of time, so that he can step up and show me that he's "in it for the long haul?"
> 
> I'm like......WTH? Shouldn't you have been showing me that all along?


Most likely he will step up until he feels comfortable to be lazy again. This is who he is. 

If you had kids together and a long marriage and this was a result of him getting lazy over the years, I might say to give him a chance, try and see if he could step up (which would still be a long and exhausting battle) but you're one of the lucky ones who gets to see the true colours and recognizes the red flags before marriage and/or having a child with him. You'll regret it if you don't call it quits now and end up in a situation where it's harder to leave.


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

I want to thank you all so much for your responses / posts. Philly, Nynaeve and Blondilocks, thanks for having my "back" and sticking up for me!! TruthHurts, I value your "honest" opinion as well.....even if I don't agree with you 100%. Breeze, you're right, I shouldn't "settle." I won't!!

Spotthedeaddog, Nobody Special, Technovelist: THANK YOU! 

As mentioned before, my mind is made up. Kicking someone out over the Holiday's is not going to be pretty!!

I'll keep you all posted and let you know how things go!!


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

txtea48 said:


> I REALLY need to end this tonight, but I don't want to ruin Halloween for my Son and I. Think I'll wait til Monday.


Your son probably thinks he's a zombie anyway. :grin2:


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Lol a lot of women triggering on my posts. You're getting a lot of bad advice from angry women here. I wouldn't throw away a good relationship with someone just because your fiancé hasn't been broken in by one of these angry ladies.


From a man's perspective I couldn't tell if the advice you got was from angry women, sympathetic women or any other type of woman but all the advice along the lines of get rid of him now for your sake and your sons sake was pretty well spot on.

You aren't going to throw away a good relationship, a mediocre relationship or even a bad one. You're going to escape from a relationship that is dreadful for you and probably harming for your son. 

When I read your first post I was trying to work out how a person living with someone could possibly shop for just their own food, and that was just the start of it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

txtea48 said:


> What pisses me off the MOST is that it's ME who's reading all the dang Self Help Books (5 Love Languages), scheduling Pre-Marital Counseling, etc., and he is just not motivated at ALL! Last night, he asked for a "window" of time, so that he can step up and show me that he's "in it for the long haul?"
> 
> I'm like......WTH? Shouldn't you have been showing me that all along?


This will not change. You are doing all the work and it will only get worse. If that's not what you are looking for in a marriage, then you now know that he is not the one for you.

Things will not get better. This is likely to be the best it will ever be. If you think he needs to change, you will spend the rest of your life trying to change him. Is that what you want in a marriage?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> I'm wondering if you are confusing him with modelling clay.
> I never said she's should enter into the relationship. I said she shouldn't end the relationship based on the angry feedback on TAM.
> 
> She doesn't need cheerleaders. This isn't some game. A diversity of thoughtful opinions is what people deserve who come here.


You keep saying marriage, LTR, married and argue from that point. Your entire argument is basically marriage relies on communication and find ways to work it out. I agree 100%. This is why I implied you are projecting. Something in other threads has irritated you into venting on this one. 


You are arguing things that do not exist in this thread. They are not married, they've been dating 7 months, moved in together after 5months, the honeymoon phases usually doesn't end this quick, he is making plans WITHOUT her child and she is already irritated. I will NEVER advise someone to continue working on something serious, if it is already failing within 7 months.


> It's difficult to find a good relationship and domestic behavior and attitudes are a small part of a long term relationship.


No, domestic behavior and attitude is huge and I do not get your minimization of compatibility. 


> First, it was his sex drive. We went from about 4 times per week to one time on the weekend. He’s always tired, and he just seems down quite a bit. He is 50, so things are expected to decline a bit, but this fast???


Please go read some Low drive threads and the misery within. Sex drive may be a small part to you, but it is huge to her. This goes back to compatibility.



TheTruthHurts said:


> Where's the advice to work through the communication and work through creating common areas of concern?


I save it for my own personal line of LTR vs STR. If 7 months is long term to you cool, it is not to me. Better to end it now before mixing all finances, marriage and possibly bringing another child into the mix.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

She's already made her decision. Don't know why you're reacting to so many different posters in one post??


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

txtea48 said:


> Hello all. I am a “newbie”, and bringing my question to the Forum because I don’t want to talk about this to close friends/family.
> 
> My fiancé and I started dating 7 months ago. We moved in together at 5 months (after he proposed). Everything was fabulous, until about a month after he moved in. Things started to change rapidly.
> 
> ...


Just adding my 2 cents...
It sounds to me like you have already made a decision, but you'd like someone else to validate it.

If you are waking up in the morning and wondering what mood he's in, rather than looking forward to your day...and you've only been living together a few months. Then yeah, it's a good place to stop, look around you, evaluate, think it through.


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

Yep, you're right OrangePekoe. I have had this gut feeling for the past 2 months that it wasn't going to work. I did however, want the unbiased opinions of others, just to make sure I wasn't overreacting, or jumping the gun on anything. I appreciate your post!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

txtea48 said:


> My “gut” is telling me that something is wrong here. I can't quite put my finger on it, but this just isn't right.


This is easy.

He played you.

He wanted a female in his life to replace his mother (cook, clean, laundry, shop) so he spiffed himself up and roped one in.

Now that he has you, he stopped.

Good job recognizing it, and moving on. 

But please take some time next time - a year or two - before moving a guy in with your son, so you'll have time to really observe the guy to see him for what he really is.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Communication: as this forum attests to, many couples communicate and think the problem is sorted only to witness one spouse merely paid lip service to the agreement. Communication is fine and dandy and necessary but it is only as useful as the intents of the spouses. Actions are a much better indicator of future behavior than covenants.

For instance, this yoyo asked for a 'window of time' to show that he was in 'for the long haul'. The OP could have taken him up on his generous offer only to find that it only lasted until his window of time expired. Then she would be back at square one and he would be exasperated because he had done what he said he would.


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

Turnera, you are 100% correct! I got played. I have learned my lesson.

Blondilocks, as always, thanks!!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Don't know why you're reacting to so many different posters in one post??


I am only answering your posts and quotes, no one else. I have no clue where you get "so many different posters" from??? All of those quotes, save one, were from you. The other was from the OP to refute your comments about a good LTR and marriage.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Refuted nothing just an alternate opinion.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> > I'm wondering if you are confusing him with modelling clay.
> > I never said she's should enter into the relationship. I said she shouldn't end the relationship based on the angry feedback on TAM.
> >
> > She doesn't need cheerleaders. This isn't some game. A diversity of thoughtful opinions is what people deserve who come here.
> ...


Your posts are certainly not responding to mine. Feel free to go back and read them.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Your posts are certainly not responding to mine. Feel free to go back and read them.


You talk about marriage here:


TheTruthHurts said:


> *In a marriage you may have to do the things you care about and he doesn't and vice versa.* There is compromise and he's not a mind reader nor should you expect him to be.





TheTruthHurts said:


> *Btw what the people posting here don't seem to get is that a marriage is s partnership* - not on work but ideas and values. Differences should be cherished because there will be room for growth for you both.


You talk about Long term relationships here:


TheTruthHurts said:


> I never said she should enter into the relationship. I said she shouldn't end the relationship based on the angry feedback on TAM.
> 
> She doesn't need cheerleaders. This isn't some game. A diversity of thoughtful opinions is what people deserve who come here. *It's difficult to find a good relationship and domestic behavior and attitudes are a small part of a long term relationship.* Look at the very difficult issues people present here and the effort people go through to work things out. Where's the advice to work through the communication and work through creating common areas of concern?


So yes, my single post addressed things you have posted in this thread and your last post at the time. If she was starting to feel unhappy at 5 months, it is ridiuclous to stay in an extremely short relationship. Minus the "act like a woman" and ironic angry ad hominem, your advice would be sound for a married couple or someone in a long term relationship. She isn't in one nor near being in one at all. As she said earlier and you'd reiterated later, she has made her decision.


Last word to you because this thread made you angry for some reason.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I still don't know what you're talking about. Didn't make me angry at all. Said some very basic things in response to a woman extremely upset her boy had to walk a block in the rain to school am who was upset her fiancé am didn't seem to care about that sort of thing - I am totally with him. Several other trivial complaints. How in the world is this woman going to stay in a lung term relationship when she can't accept that her maternal and domestic concerns wound t be obvious to a guy that who's 50 and single and shouldn't have nearly the same concerns. 

Idk why these simple and obvious observations are generating such a strong response. You've got your opinion and I've got mine. Why in the world do you feel it is necessary to try to talk me out if my opinions? Seems rather crazy TBH. 

Feel free to directly express your own original ideas directly to OP. These aren't my issues they're hers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

txtea48,

Are you still with him?


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## txtea48 (Oct 28, 2015)

EleGirl,

He is still in my Home, but looking for a place. I have ended it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

txtea48 said:


> EleGirl,
> 
> He is still in my Home, but looking for a place. I have ended it.


I'm glad that you have taken definite action. I hope you have some peace soon.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Lol

My wife would come home and carry in a carton of milk or something in a small bag. I'd always look and ask..."groceries?"

"Yup""!"

Then I'd laugh and grab our daughter to unload the entire back area of the SUV full of dozens of bags of goods

😜
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

OP, 

This guy is broken. Or selfish. His actions don't indicate any sort of caring or loving behaviour to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Lol
> 
> My wife would come home and carry in a carton of milk or something in a small bag. I'd always look and ask..."groceries?"
> 
> ...


One of the mistakes I made in my marriage was not expecting my husband to help with such things. He never offered, I never asked (well, I asked the first few years and rarely got the help, so I quit asking), so I just assumed the role of servant for the family. 

Note to readers: do not do this!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I figured if I spent my time driving to store, gathering supplies, putting bags in trunk and driving home the least my husband could do was to carry them in for me to put away.

I usually opened the door to the kitchen and yelled "Come and get it!". And he did. He knew the groceries would sit there until I had my second wind and his ice cream would melt.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Too funny!

Those were my thoughts too, for her. 

I absolutely positively hated shopping in any form. (I gots a thing with crowds....too many people in the store and I felt...well......crowded)

I figured carrying in a few bags of groceries for all of three minutes was a good trade off. Including an extra three or four putting them away.


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