# Being a women is curse for me! please advise



## nj123 (Mar 27, 2009)

Hi, I am a married women with 2 kids. and it's 15 yrs we got married. We both work full time with a high pressure job. I come back at 7 from work then help kids to do their homework and clean the kitchen after dinner. My husband help me to cleanup and around 10 PM in the night we go for bed. 

He wants to have sex with me every day and I feel tired after busy long day and do not want to have sex everyday. Rght now we do it 2 times in a week day and on weekends. But he is not satisfied with it. He wants every day. What should i do...

When i am not ready mentally then i feel guilty inside me that i am doing this with a pressure of keeping my family together and start hating myself being women.

Please help...what should i do.

I talked to him but he said he read in books doing sex every day is good sign of healthy relationship.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

In all honesty it depends on the people. There are people on these boards that have sex every day, 5 times a week, 3 times a week, etc. Me and my knew husband avg once a week....and we are cool with it. I don't think that sex every day is a good sign of a healthy relationship if its stressing you out  - I think that he needs to stop pressuring you so much. Personally in my last marriage my ex would pressure me every day and if i didn't give in (and thats exactly what it was) he would accuse me of getting it somewhere else. The longer this went on the longer I would hold out cause I wanted to be seen as a person...not as a sex toy.

Maybe you guys have other issues (mark twain typically will say you might be harboring resentment in some way which is turning you off to him - I'm sure MarkTwain will make an appearance soon to give insight  )

I would just say I don't think your crazy or wrong for the way you feel!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

nj,

You admit your husband works just like you, and he helps at night with the kids/clean up just like you right?

You're tired and he's tired, but he's making more of an effort for sex than you are right?

I could understand if he got home from work and sat on his butt and made you do all the domestic stuff too (cooking, cleaning, kids, etc) but by your description it sounds like he helps out.

I guess I don't understand if he says he wants/needs sex more often then why not try/do it?

My wife used to kind of restrict sex to 1-3 times a week like you are doing and after some long talks I let her know it wasn't enough for me. We made time, we cut out a couple shows we like to watch together on TV to make the time and we have sex 5-6 times a week now.

If you needed something from him in the relationship you'd expect him to try to fulfill that need, why shouldn't you try to fulfill his relationship need?

We all get tired, just like I told my wife, I'm tired at night too, but there would never be a night if she wanted to do it that I would be too tired to. I would make the effort no matter how tired I was. Why should she be different?


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## bebhinntm (Dec 7, 2008)

He should also read books about how being busy and stressed affects a woman's sex drive. Gosh, I have sex like once a week and I'm only 25 and been married for only two years!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Another question - what ages are we talking about here...could make a difference . All our married friend couples that we have asked are on the same level - once a week is normal - all couples are married in their early to late 30's (i'm the youngest of the group at 28 - hubby is 32) and all have kids, and both work full time jobs. 

No offense revitalized...but there needs to be a compromise from both ends - it can't be that she is expected to be the one to change instead of her husband. Meet in the middle is what I say.


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## nj123 (Mar 27, 2009)

My Husband is 42 and I am 37yr old. 

Revitalizedhusband, 

I did make an effort and tried for a week but I noticed everything else started to get suffered. We both couldn't get up in the morning to make lunch for kids (restricted to vegetarian diet), kids got tardy pass from school. we both reached late to work and I was very tired at work to focus on anything. 

Practically, I had a very very tiring week both emotionally and physically and I couldn't even think about having sex for another 2-3 weeks which was even worst.

When I raised the concerns to my husband he said that he read in a book that after sex, men gets tired but women do not and that makes me wonder if I am different from other woman.

Anyone please guide me on where did I do wrong or what should have I done. I need help.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I think you cut into your normal sleep time for sex (aka you stayed up later) when you should work something else out of your busy schedule and implement sex in its spot.

My wife and I cut out some of the TV and computer time we both would spend at night either watching shows together that we liked or playing PC games (we both like them) and going to bed slightly earlier so that when we were done having sex it was still about the same time we used to go to bed.

You can't cut into your sleep time for sex, it sounds like that's what you did and that's why the rest of your life suffered greatly for it.

I might be in the minority, but if one person in a relationship is craving more sex than the other then both sides should at least work on meeting that need.

There should never be a "well, you need to know how women feel when busy/tired about sex and accept it".

I'm not trying to be too harsh, but facts are facts, if someone in a relationship is not having their sexual needs met, temptations will arise and will look much more appealing to that person, no matter male or female. That's why I say that if someone in the relationship is looking for more sex from their partner then they both need to find a way to make it happen.


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## BlueRoseRed (Mar 21, 2009)

[QUOTE

I talked to him but he said he read in books doing sex every day is good sign of healthy relationship.[/QUOTE]


Making sure that you are relaxed, warmed up and mentally engaged is also good. Tell him, if he wants sex everyday, he has to put in the work (FOREPLAY) in order to get sex everyday. You can't put a pie in the oven and expect it to be baked if you don't turn the oven on or get it to a high enough temp.

He has to understand that you have a life to... and things get in the way of sex, he shouldn't take it personally when sex is not an option sometimes.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

revitalized - i'm going to have to disagree - why is the person who needs sex every day apparently have to be the one that gets their way? Because they might stray - I'm sorry not good enough reason - if he's going to cheat because she won't cave and give him sex everyday then that's really messed up. IF she were denying him totally i could see her bumping it up but it sounds as if they are having sex 4 to 5 days a week (she said 2 to 3 times a week plus weekends).

And I get tired after sex, every time.  My hubby is the one that gets a wave of energy. Just because something fits the majority doesn't mean it is a fact for everyone.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Also - it seems like he likes to throw "because i read it in a book" into all your discussions to "prove" he's right and your wrong. This isn't a right or wrong topic - its a what works for some doesn't work for others type thing.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

TNgirl: I'm sorry, but guess we have to disagree then. In a healthy marriage both partners should crave each other sexually not think of it like "well dang, we already do it 3 or 4 times a week isn't that ENOUGH!" like its a chore.

I just don't see why/how sex pretty close to once a day with maybe somedays missed (say 6 times a week) is too much to ask for anyone. Even if some nights are just a "wham bam thank you ma'am" and its only a couple minutes.

Heck, my wife and I had one of those yesterday afternoon. The baby was taking a nap, the 2 older boys were outside riding their bikes, and when she went up stairs to change her shirt (baby pee'd on her while changing his diaper), I followed her up there and "took control" so to speak. It was fast/furious and she admitted while she didn't have an orgasm it was one of the hottest things I've done in awhile.

Now, we did have the long drawn out, everyone gets an orgasm, sex last night too once the kids were in bed.

Is that an everyday occurance for us (twice in a day) nope, not at all, but if there is an opportunity for sex, and one partner wants it, the effort should be there from the other one. My wife knew (obviously) I wanted it yesterday afternoon, at first she was resistant but she gave in knowing I wanted her and in the end she loved it.

I'm sorry TNgirl, but not only is it a biological fact, but even if you are a Christian and believe the Bible it even talks about how denying your partner sex when they want it will only lead them to sexual temptations. I never said it was RIGHT for the spouse to cheat if they aren't getting enough, I just said it can VERY EASILY lead to cheating if they aren't getting as much as they want at home. That's an undeniable fact, that not getting satisfied at home sexually leads to temptations. Not everyone acts on those temptations but wouldn't it be better to just help the person avoid the temptations by giving them more sex?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

nj123...

no one can, or should have to have sex every day, all the time, 365 days a year... if it's something they can't handle, and if it makes them so tired, they can't even function the next day.... it's unreasonable for him to expect this.

if you're making love 2-4 times a week, then he can masturbate the other days if he is so horny he can't contain himself for One day till the next time you can accomodate him. And it's a shame he feels the need to put a quota, on how many times you make love. Wouldn't he rather have you Want to have sex with him? Instead of cajole you into it, and have you not enjoy being intimate with him, because he's demanding it Every day of your life? I feel for you. 

Forcing yourself to make love, when you're not in the mood, too tired, don't want to, or are resentful, will only result in more issues.

If you Want to do it everyday, and he Wants it every day ,then that is totally cool.... but, it's not like you're restricting him to once a month, or only once a week. Sounds like you two have plenty of sex. 

You shouldn't have to have sex Every single day of your life. That's a Ridiculous standard to try to aim for. Life, jobs, kids.. ballet, soccer, cooking, cleaning, dogs, cats, church, lawn, yard, etc.... those are all things that need attention too. Not just having sex like rabbits, Every single day. Don't let him make you think you're not being a good wife just because you actually feel obligated to take care of your kids and the day to day of life. It's not as if you've put him aside, and never have sex. YOu're doing it alot more than a lot of people, and your hubby ought to be grateful he is getting it, and just enjoy you. this is my take on it.

I think you're More than accomodating your hubby, by making love a couple times a week. If that is not enough for him, then perhaps he should seek reasons why he thinks it's appropriate for his wife to have to have sex every day, and if she doesn't feel in the mood, or is trying to live all the other parts of life that are important too, that she's somehow not being a good wife. Sounds like he is the one with the problem, not you.

And besides, I don't know many people, men or women, that want someone to have sex with them out of obligation only.

Just talk to your hubby, try to make him see, that you are not required to please him sexually at his will, every day, when ever he gets the urge. You're his wife, not his sex toy.

If he is So ravenous that he can't stop himself from being in the mood, then he might have to compromise a little, and have nights where he masturbates... it's not gonna kill him. But doing it every day, sounds like it's killing you.

Good luck... don't give up. YOu're a human being, not a sex object.

Find that balance, that Both of you can be happy with. Try to compromise with him. And remember, the definition of compromise is not just giving in to his wishes, it's coming to a place that you Both can be happy and okay with. don't feel guilty... 


A Healthy sex life, is a sign of a good relationship,, not Every day sex. simply having sex everyday, does not mean your relationship is "good" or in good shape... he is telling you this to try and manipulate you. A good, healthy, Mutually satisfying sex life, is only one sign of a good healthy marriage. but it's not everything, and there is not a limit, or amount of sex, that denotes a good , or bad marriage. Sounds to me like he is asking a bit much of you, and refuses to see your side of it. Let him learn it from you. 

tell him how you feel, and stop feeling guilty, you sound like a great wife. He should be lucky he's got you.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Marina, I agreed with some of what you said until this..."YOu're doing it alot more than a lot of people, and your hubby ought to be grateful he is getting it"

That statement/outlook on sex is kind of degrading to men. Like "well, I give the doggie a treat a couple times a week so he should be grateful"

That's just as bad as if the man in the relationship does 0 foreplay, expects BJs, and rolls over after he finishes as fast as possible while never returning oral and never caring if his wife has an orgasm or not.

That's kind of degrading sexually to women, and the statement of "well, he gets it enough, he should be grateful he gets it even that much" is degrading to men in my opinion, like the man is a dog that if you "pet" just often enough he'll be loyal to you but if you "pet" him too much he'll be spoiled/expect too much.

Husbands and wifes do things all the time for their spouse that they don't want to do at the time, they might be too tired, they might not be "in the mood" to do that certain thing whatever it is from washing dishes, fixing their car, buying them flowers, setting up time where the mom can go out with the girls while you stay at home with the kids, etc.

We do things all the time in marriage for our spouse that we don't want to do at the time, we do it because we love that person. Why should sex be different? I have NEVER turned my wife down for sex, even when I wasn't in the mood, was tired, etc. 

I think sex, especially, is that one thing that as long as its realistically possible at the time, if one partner wants it, the other should "oblige". There are WAY too many statistics showing the growing rate of infidelity in marriage, keep your spouse fulfilled sexually and the chances of them having an affair go WAY down.

You are right marina though, no one should be forced to have sex nearly every day, but we should all WANT to have sex with our spouses every day, or at least want to make our spouse happy if they want to have sex with us that day, etc.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

revitalized, I simply wasn't addressing you. I said, what I think, just as you did, and I'm entitled to my view, opinino, and stance.

And it does seem as though you're out numbered on here, as far as your views go, so , what I, and the other posters think, is not necessarily outlandish. I said what I had to say, in my address to the thread starter, the one who needs help, and asked for advice from All perspectives... so , if you please, don't address me. If you have something to add, tell it to the thread starter. That's who I was addressing. It sounds as if this is a sore subject for, or perhaps you just view women the same way this girls husband does... who knows. either way, it's not an issue with me, and I couldn't care less what you think of what I wrote. As I said before, I was trying to give my take on it to the poster, and I have just as much Right as you do, to say what I think. I hardly think my post was "degrading " to men, or women... I think maybe someone is a tad too oversensitive. Please stop attacking every one in every post. You do this alot. Address your posts to her, not me, or anyone else. It's called hijacking.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Marina is right, I mean my wife wants sex everyday, but we both work 40 hour a week jobs, I coach my kids soccer team and cart the boys off to Baseball. Make dinner...

So every so often I let her have sex with me, I mean I do so much, I work, I take care of the Kids and coach their soccer teams, I do the yard work, I take out the garbage, I vacum the rug, I clean the dishes after the meal I cooked.

Every night she wants me to have sex with her, so I let her have it a few times a week, she's earned it.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

lol, GA I'm sensing a little sarcasm...but maybe I'm wrong again.


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## WhatToThink (Mar 30, 2009)

Maybe you should suggest watching sexy adult movies together to help get you both more in the mood. Of course, you would have to have a private tv somewhere away from the kids. This might help both of you get more in the mood, but it may also help HIM in learning how to please himself without your help. Maybe he doesn't really know how to please himself when he is alone or when you don't want to have sex. My fiance does his own thing to take care of his sex drive when I am not around or not in the mood. I do the same. This really helps us stay happy. However, both people in the relationship need affection. The type of affection depends on the type of person you are... it could be just a kiss now and then, or daily hugs, kisses, and cuddling. But make sure that you and your partner are both being physically and verbally comforting toward each other! 

Good luck.


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

revitalizedhusband: 

I think one thing you should consider is intercourse is different for women than men. Yes, it can be an amazing and gratifying thing that brings a couple together, but it doesn't mean that having sex daily is the only correct answer for every couple. I'm happy for you and your wife, but for other women, it is not possible on a physical, psychological or emotional sense.

First of all, I'm nearly always paranoid about getting pregnant. We can't afford to have children (nor do I want any), and I don't want to play games with a positive pregnancy test EVER. My H so wants me to go on birth control again, but last time, I had a mildly bad reaction to the hormones and I'm a little afraid to go on them again. Instead, we use condoms *most* of the time (sometimes, I've given in and we've had *unprotected* sex after a couple glasses of wine or whatever, but it's always when I'm fairly confident I am not ovulating). Still, we've had condoms break on a regularity of once or twice a year - that means shelling out $50 for Plan B and dosing myself with a ton of hormones at once each time. 

What's the big deal? Very. To me. I'm not religious, but I do believe life does begin at conception - I also believe it is the woman's prerogative to have an abortion... but I don't ever want to be in a position where I have to make the decision to end a life. 

On a more psychological note, intercourse, I feel is different for women in what it signifies. As a women, I am taking in my husband as part of me. Subconsciously, it is a vulnerable act that should always be respected, not expected. Sometimes, I prefer to be cradled and held: protected, not possessed. 

On the petty (though practical) side, sex is pretty easy to clean up for the male. Even with condoms, the mess is tied off and flushed, no second thought. For females, it isn't that easy, even if prophylactics are used. There is usually a gooey mess, possible need to change and wash the sheets, risk of UTIs, pregnancy, etc. 

And finally, for some women, there is pain. I know there have been times when I was ready to go and I was still sore "down there" the next day (and believe you me, I have plenty of slippery bottles lying around trying to cure this problem). That pretty much negated any chance of doing anything the following night. 

I couldn't even begin to imagine having sex on a daily basis, even though my husband wants it almost daily. Perhaps I don't feel that way because he doesn't invest in doing it every day (ignoring or arguing with me all evening and expecting me to be "in the mood" simply because he says "I'm horny" doesn't cut it), but I don't think I'd still be able to put out more than a couple times a week at most. 

Mind you, I'm saying this after a really nice weekend with my husband, where we made love twice in two days and he got a nice rub down "with a happy ending." And all he needed to do was surprise me and cook dinner (he made one heck of an Aloo Saag dish - Indian spiced potatoes and spinach, yum) on Saturday. Simple enough.... who'd a thunk it? 

And the thing was, I didn't *reward* him. I just was in a good mood because I didn't have to do something I usually have to do. I hope he's taking notes.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Peridot, Plan B is not meant to be a Birth control method, that is more of a last resort tatic.

there are several forms of birth control have you tried any others?

Once we were done with Kids I got a vesectomy, I was happy to do it, for all of us. Such a easy solution to our particular lifestyle issue.

If your planning on having children then I would really suggest STOPPING the plan B, and find a better Birth control method.

My wife and I used Birth control for 7 years before getting married and raising a family. I also had the Constant fears of her getting Pregnant, the men feel the stress as well.

Yes I was being sarcastic Revitalized, many women think that all men are horn dogs and all we want is sex, sex sex...while it is true that we desire our partners, I am hearing from women...they get mad when we don't want sex, or they get mad when we Want to much of it..... I guess we can't win, at least we got Porn! Oh wait....damn they don't like that either, well we got masturbation....oh damn, if we do that, we don't love them....

oh just forget it....where is my beer......damn now I am an acholholic.....



damn damn damn.....what to do. :scratchhead:


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

priceless.... 

Nj, there are many on here who answered, you, and you only, and didn't turn this into a sarcastic game to laugh at. I hope you are still there, and aren't upset. 

honey if you're still there. I hope you can get resolution to your issues. don't feel guilty for not wanting to make love every single day of your life. some of the posts on here such as peridot's were well put, and very informative. 

I hope you are doing well, and can come to a compromise both you and hubby can live with.

Good luck to you. And update us if you get the chance...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

sometimes you have to be saracstic to open some eyes...

She is upset becuase her husband wants to make love to her every night after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids.

Is this really a horrible issue? Come on seriously here...

Her husband loves her and desires her every night, he is not out cheating, he is not watching porn, he is not drinking himself to sleep, he is not on the computer playing games until late hours of the night.

Nope, he is in bed at 10PM wanting to be with the woman he loves, he will then get up and do his routine that 90% of us do is wake up go to work and come home and eat dinner and be with the family.

I get it...My wife and I have two stressful jobs, we cart 3 kids around to Baseball and soccer, we run girl scouts, I am our HOA president, I organize my HS class reunions every 5 years which means I keep constant contact with people. 

So maybe when I go to bed after a long stressful day, maybe the best thing in the world is lying in bed next to my beautiful wife feeling her soft skin, the wonderful smell of her hair, and her georgous body next to me.....hey I just might get a little "lovey"

Is that really a bad thing? There are woman out there they get Beaten, raped, etc....

I guess I am the minority here when I say, if this is her worst complaint, well she has life pretty darn good.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

"Is that really a bad thing? There are woman out there they get Beaten, raped, etc...."
I guess I am the minority here when I say, if this is her worst complaint, well she has life pretty darn good. "

Huh? Oh wow.... so, then no one, on this forum, unless they've been beaten, raped, or whatever else... has a Valid complaint, or issue that they'd like resolution, or advice to? Wow.... okay then.

I'm not going to get into a tinkling contest with you, good luck with that theory...
but, if this is important to this girl, then it's important to her marriage. And her issue is no different that a Lot of the posters on here. Saying she should feel lucky that she's not being raped or beaten, and just suck it up if she's got sexual issues that need sorting out and live with it... which is essentially what your'e saying.....Wow.... what a mentality. 

I am sorry NJ, that your'e having this problem with your hubby...
As I said, I do sincerely hope you can get some resolution to this.

Good luck, and blessings...

update us if you wish to.


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

> Peridot, Plan B is not meant to be a Birth control method, that is more of a last resort tatic.


I don't. I said I've had to use it if the original B.C. method fails, especially mid-cycle.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Peridot said:


> revitalizedhusband:
> 
> I think one thing you should consider is intercourse is different for women than men. Yes, it can be an amazing and gratifying thing that brings a couple together, but it doesn't mean that having sex daily is the only correct answer for every couple. I'm happy for you and your wife, but for other women, it is not possible on a physical, psychological or emotional sense.


1. I never said every couple had to have sex every day. I said that if one of the 2 people in a marriage (wife or husband) wants to be intimate, the other should try to accomodate (barring any physical reasons they can't obviously). 

2. I understand a woman gets sore, and no when my wife is sore we don't have vaginal sex, obviously we aren't out to hurt her. There are other fun things to do that don't include the vagina. My wife has orgasm's quite often without any touching of her vagina, when her vagina is sore from frequent intercourse. 

3. I understand the fact that sex is much more emotional for most women than men. But I think in a healthy marriage the woman would be perfectly fine/ok/want to be vulnerable with her husband. If she isn't with him then what's the point?


Again, I never said that sex HAS to happen every day, never even came close to that.. I said that if one of the two partners want sex more often why NOT accomodate them? They probably do things they don't want to do at the time for you. Why allow one of the two partners to be sexually frustrated? We have a whole infidelity forum on here full of people that were either sexually frustrated or their partner's were.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

marina72 said:


> "Is that really a bad thing? There are woman out there they get Beaten, raped, etc...."
> I guess I am the minority here when I say, if this is her worst complaint, well she has life pretty darn good. "
> 
> 
> ...


How's it any different for you to say regarding her husband "YOu're doing it alot more than a lot of people, and your hubby ought to be grateful he is getting it," than for GA to say she's lucky that her worse problem is her husband wanting to have sex with her every night?

You said the exact same thing about her husband, that he should be grateful, that he's lucky, to have a wife who gives it to him a few times a week. 

GA said she should be lucky that her worse problem is her husband wanting to have sex with her.

Sounds kind of like the same thing to me...what's good for the goose is good for the gander right?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Wow. Some of you gentlemen's mentality is shocking.

First of all, sex should happen when both persons desire it. Both persons should make their best effort to desire their partner and to have a healthy libido. However, different people have different set libido's and nothing's going to change that. If we were talking something unreasonable, then I can see the partner's frustration (and even then, "pressuring" or "guilting" a woman into it is the WRONG WRONG way to go about it, my friends). However, this woman has sex with her hubby 3-5 times per week. That is PLENTY by anyone's reasonable standards. Surely, most women can only handle that much physically and emotionally. I know that, for me, things can get sore (regardless of lube, natural or otherwise, available) and more than two days in a row becomes painful rather than pleasureable. That is not unusual at all. So, to suggest that a women needs to submit to painful sex beucase her husband "loves her so much, he can't go without it 1-2 nights" - give me a ****ing break!!!! Even if it weren't painful, she should have a say in frequency and seems like OP has already compromised, why can't he? Why shouldn't he? The horniest person doesn't get to win (and that's coming from the horniest person in my relationship - me).

As for this:


> I just don't see why/how sex pretty close to once a day with maybe somedays missed (say 6 times a week) is too much to ask for anyone. Even if some nights are just a "wham bam thank you ma'am" and its only a couple minutes.


Who benefits from the "wham bam thank you ma'am"? Not the woman, I'm sure. I can see why (being a guy) you think that's just fine. Well, not all women are fine with "wham bam thank you ma'am" - in fact, most are not. Good for you that your wife is, but don't assume she's the norm.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

HALLELUJA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MsLady! We all seem to get this one, the women that is. It's not like this woman is denying her man sex, they are having it pretty frequently! 3-4 times a week is darn good average. I guess it's got to be all or nothin with these types of dudes! LOL...

Thank you!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

1. No one said keep doing it no matter if it hurts or not. I was simply saying that barring any physical reasons why someone can't at the time, I don't see a reason why a couple can't have sex whenever EITHER (man or woman) wants to. 

2. So, according to some of you, if one spouse's libido is very high and one spouses libido is either average or low, then the spouse with the lower libido should "win" this sex argument/frequency thing just because their libidos don't match? Marriage is supposed to be a compromise. If I want sex every day of the week and my wife only wants it 2 times a week, then what's so wrong with 4 or 5 times? 

Apprently, just like most men come to find out, sex is 100% controlled by the women in most relationships. If the woman wants to have sex, then it happens, if she doesn't then sex doesn't. There's a reason why most husbands (barring any ED/testosterone problems) hardly ever say "no" to their wives, because they don't know when the next time will come.

Think about most of your marriages, if its "normal" with no ED/other physical issues. I would bet that 90% of marriages the husband gets turned down at least 10 times as often as the woman does. 

You say you want compromise in nearly every aspect of marriage but this one (how often sex happens) the woman or the one with the lower libido (it is men in some cases) wins and there's no compromise?

Please fill me in on how that makes sense.

Again, please don't act like I've ever said "you need to say yes everytime, even if you are sore/swollen/hurting" because I've never said that.

But this "well he should be happy, he gets it 2-4 times a week and that's better than most" is like saying about her husband "well, he helps you clean at least once a month, thats more than most husbands so you should be happy" even though they both work full time, etc.

In that case no, she wouldn't be happy, if they both work full time he should obviously help 50/50 on cleaning right? If he was only doing it once or twice a month everyone here would be jumping all over him for not doing enough even though he's doing a lot more than "most husbands" (he very well could help clean all the time, its just an example). However, when he wants to have sex with his wife more often she wins that "discussion" too just like she would the cleaning one...

Compromise, it can't just be when it fits your side of the marriage.

I want sex everyday twice a day, but I fully understand that will never happen and have been perfectly satisfied with 4-6 times a week that we do it, my wife would be ok with once or twice a week. Its a compromise.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

ummm I wouldn't call 3-4 times a week... low...

My husband has a T level problem, and we have gone 8-10 Weeks without sex.... I want it , he hasn't got much of a drive. So, since he is lower, even though it's a medical issue, and the fact his job is stressful... I guess I should either cheat, or be tempted, or he should feel guilty for not wanting to do it? I am his wife, not his pimp... I love him, and if we have troubles in that area.. then we work on them,,, we don't put demands on each other.

I am the one not getting any very often, and I still don't see how you can be so blind. You just don't get it do you? 

this girl, is frustrated, because she is having sex Regularly, with her husband, and it's still not enough for him. But, she has already pointed out, that when she DID try to accomodate him Every single day,,, it made her so out of it, and tired, she couldn't function.

Now, what part of that , do you not get? I just don't get how you can be so one sided. Your idea of compromise, is not compromise, it's guilt trips and expectations that are unreasonable.

If I told my husband that he was "required" to try to have sex with me every day... do you know what he, and most other men would say? that I am a cold, heartless, mean, ungrateful wench.

I dont' tell him that, because it's the biggest load of bull I've ever heard. And unfortunately for you, no one seems to agree.

I guess to you, sex is tops on your life list. But it's just not like that for everyone. And as long as this girl is trying her best to make love as often as she can, and 3-5 times a week is Pretty Darn Good,,, then I just don't see the problem. 

Her problem was that she just can't do it every day, and her man can't understand. So, since you say everyone should try to be accomodating,,, then, where is the opposite side of that, for the husband here? Why should she be the one to give in, if she's already doing it as often as she can physically handle.

Your logic is so off, and so mind bogglingly tragic, that it's well,,, tragic. 

She' said that 3-5 times a week, is all she can do. And if he can't accept that, then he can masutrbate. Your suggestion that somehow She is the one not being flexible here, is so wrong. How about the fact that HE is not being flexible? 

Whatever dude. I thnk you should probly just let this go, if you even can. take care of yourself.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Forget about the actual numbers for 1 second.

If both partners are healthy and able to have sex, and one partner only wants it "x" amount of times while the other partner wants it "y" amount of times.

A compromise is both of them "giving in" and meeting in the middle somewhere, somewhere between "x" and "y" no matter what those 2 numbers are.

However, she is "ok" with 2-4 times a week and he wants it every day. I agree that he needs to compromise some, I've said that, but like I've said whats the big deal on 4-6 times a week? That's a compromise, not doing 2-3 times a week, thats exactly the opposite of a compromise, that's him giving in 100% to what she wants.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Maybe she already has compromised...she didn't give us that detail. So say forgetting actual numbers - if she has compromised at 3 to 5 times a week instead of 1 to 2 ... then would you say she's done enough...or does she need to compromise yet again?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If it is a matter of fatigue, I would look to readjust your vegetarian diet. Maybe you are so tired from a lack of protein or iron. Vitamin B12 shots may help too.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Michzz, you make a VERY VALID point with her diet, I missed that before.

This happened to my Niece who was a strict vegiterian, She was one for years and took the vitamins to help witht he Iron an protein reduction, She turned out to have serious health issues after a few years, once she started eating meat again (chicken and fish) she got better and is living a healthier lifestyle now. She is in her upper 20's. But she was very tired and often.

I work the night our, midnight to 8AM I am TIRED all the time
If you never worked it, you can't understand what it does to your body mentally and physically, I have to alter my diet and try to sleep when I can. Our sex life does suffer when I work this shift. 

As anyone's sex life, per couple it ahs to be discussed and worked out between themselves.

As I always say COMMUNICATION is the core of every marriage. If you can not communicate with your spouse then you will have issues.

Every relationship is unique in it's own way, what may work for you, may not work for them.

Take me and my wife for instance. She will never initate sex, I have to. IF I do not initate it, we could go Days, weeks, months without it, she would never ever "ask for it" she would be quiet and think I was "mad at her" for some reason, when I am not. I can try and initate everyday, and she will say," no I am to tired or whatever" and I'll either masturbate or go to sleep. 

Some people schedule their sex, maybe she can alter her diet and schedule "play dates" with her hubby.

Yes I know, us males are pigs and all we think about is sex and how to please ourselves...I wish that were true, my life would be easier then.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

michzz: Good catch on the diet. My wife was a vegetarian when we first met and didn't get any protein at all (she doesn't like peanut butter and didn't take any vitamins/protein pills). Even before we had kids she was tired quite often.

When she got pregnant with our first kid I just asked her to start at least doing protein shakes or pills, for the baby (prenatal gives good iron and b12 usually). She tried those, the shakes made her puke (hated the taste) and she has a gag reflex when swallowing pills, and protein pills are typically huge.

So, she started with chicken and chicken only. Honestly ever since her body got used to eating meat again, she has definitely had much more energy. She has more energy now with 3 kids at home, than she did when we first got married and had 0 kids.

GA:

You are right, I sure wish we only thought about sex and how to please ourselves, should would make our lives easier.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Oh for pete's sake. If she had trouble having regular sex, then we could talk about diet. She's getting it on 3-4 times per week. That is not a problem with diet.



> If both partners are healthy and able to have sex, and one partner only wants it "x" amount of times while the other partner wants it "y" amount of times.
> 
> A compromise is both of them "giving in" and meeting in the middle somewhere, somewhere between "x" and "y" no matter what those 2 numbers are.


You CAN'T forget about the numbers. The numbers are key. This isn't a theory that works regardless of numbers. Yes, we all agree there should be a compromise. But when she's saying 3 times per weekdays and on the weekends, I don't think she's got any more room to budge there other than giving it to him everyday, which she has said she can't handle. So, seems to me like the only side where there's some slack is on his side.

Maybe he needs to readjust HIS diet and take in a little less protein to lower that libido


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well we wee just pointing out that she said she was "always tired" we were just saying that a vegietarian diet can do that to people, that maybe if she was healthy and taking in what her body needs, maybe she will ahve plenty of energy through the day. 

not for nothing I want sex everyday, it doesn't happen, I understand that, but I will continue to try until I die. 

As I said, if he didn't try, she would posting," What is wrong with me why my husband doesn't want sex with me?" (see 30,000 other examples on this board)

We are offering some solutions here, Diet, communication, etc.

As a Man, I see often see that we "can't do anything right" on here.

Not enough sex....bad
to much sex...bad
ask for sex when the woman is not in the mood....Bad
not asking for sex when the woman is in the mood.....bad

this is why we do not understand woman and we throw are arms up in the air, walk away grab a beer and watch porn....oh and that is ...bad 

I won't have sex with my husband, but he watches porn and masturbates....bad.


Let's see if I can put this in a correct manner for women to understand...

You put on a blue dress...I tell you, Nope Put on a green one.

you put on the green one, I say, nope the blue is better, try a red one.

You put ont he red one, I say, no I don't like that either,

You say, screw him I am putting on a black dress, I see you in the black dress and say "where did I go wrong? Are you are into the devil? please put on a white dress and be pure and innocent"

Does this make sense?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

GAsoccerman: So funny but yet so freaking true. You couldn't have said that ANY better.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well due to being busy, I've come late to this thread, and I've missed all the fireworks. _My_ solution to this problem If I were the dumb husband, is to make here *want *to have sex every day. Now that takes research but it can be done.

There are two principles operating with women. There is the *libido*, which is higher than most people realise, but there is also the *dampener *which in women is stronger than in most men.

Although it is possible to boost women's libido, the quickest route a husband can take to get more sex, is to melt her dampener. This he does by removing any excuse she might have to feel resentful.

After that, all he needs to is get into good shape in the gym, look his best, learn how to be romantic, and 95% of women will respond automatically.

So he won't need to beg for sex, or demand it as a duty. He will be getting it on a plate - just like when they first met. If any man wants to challenge me on this, I will be happy to prove it - as long as they are willing to subject themselves to my bootcamp. You have been warned


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

the caveat in the original post is that the husband seems to be doing his share around the house, and she has no real animosity about his husbandry duties. if he was a sloth/pig useless bum then i can certainly understand lack of interest in sex. i always have to question women who won't participate in something that is enjoyable and physically rewarding when done right. is it a matter of control? 

oh and by the way, GA, i hate you


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

well, it wasn't that she was uninterested in sex... she even said she was doing it 3-5 times a week with him, and because of her kids, house, and job, she couldn't handle any more than that... but that her hubby was being hard about it, and telling her she ought to do it everyday, to satisfy him....

not exactly someone who's not interested in sex, as much as a woman who is being guilted into doing it more, when she simply can't handle it more than 3-5 times a week...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She says that being a woman is a CURSE. I feel so bad for the original poster; clearly these demands are very distressing to her.

Some things we know: having sex when one doesn't feel like it is unhealthy for the long-term of the relationship. It can lead to an aversion. Also, when women are tired, they have a much harder time enjoying sex. So any assumption that sex is, by definition, "enjoyable," is just plain wrong. 

I wish people would focus on her message: she is unhappy with the current level of sex in the marriage. It is not helpful to tell her she "should" like it more. Of course she'd be thrilled if she did, and she wouldn't be posting! Her question is about her unhappiness with the current situation and she seems to want to do something about it. 

I don't know how I'd feel about having great or even good sex every day if it made me tired all the rest of the time. Maybe I'd be ok with that, maybe not. Never been in that situation. BUT we are clearly not talking about good sex.

MT got to the point about getting her to want the sex, which is of course the ideal solution. But so few men seem aware of that need (they need to help their wives want sex more) it's rather sad.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MT is right, there are ways to get a woman to want it everyday, even if they believe they can't "handle" it more than 3-5 times a week (although if you read the original post it sounds more like 3 maybe 4, not near 5). 

And the "well we get sore down there if its too frequent" doesn't fly. I completely understand that, but there are many MANY other "avenues" to having a great sexual experience FOR BOTH that don't involve the vagina. I would say that my wife and I are having sex about 5-6 times a week now and I bet you only 3 of those end up being vaginal.

The other 2 could be a combo of oral, anal, mutual masterbation, and other forms of manual stimulations that I could go on and on about.

I definitely agree that he might be going about it the wrong way ("guilt") but MT is right, most women would be just fine with every day sex, but you just have to "prime the pump" correctly to get them to do it.

Although I don't know, sounds like he might already be doing some of that stuff.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Here is a link to a good article on how "giving in" leads to sexual aversion:

How to Overcome Sexual Aversion


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, I think having sex every single day may be a bit much for some people. Even Mrs. Twain gets time off for good behaviour 

Trouble is, she is very very naughty


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

You're a Gem Mark... your wife is very lucky to have a guy like you.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Well, I think having sex every single day may be a bit much for some people. Even Mrs. Twain gets time of for good behaviour
> 
> Trouble is, she is very very naughty



I agree Mark, even someone like me who wants it everyday understands that there will be days it won't happen, which is why my wife and I "average" about 5 times a week. There are some nights we just cuddle and watch a movie or a TV show instead of going at it.

I don't think you'll find hardly anyone that truly has sex every day of the week, even those of us that do it very VERY often are still talking 5-6 times a week.


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

nj123 said:


> He wants to have sex with me every day .........


If I had to utter these words then I must have died and gone to heaven!

Seriously, though, be glad that your husband finds you sexually attractive. I am lucky if I get laid once a week and it's always the same old same old. 

I would tell him that everyday is a nice thought, but a ridiculous goal. You said that you were having sex with him twice during the week and then on weekends also. That's a good four times a week. I would love to have sex everyday, but I sure as hell would settle for four times a week and be happy with it. I think that he is asking too much and this even coming from a woman who would love to have sex literally two to three times a day if possible!

You guys have to find a number that you will both be happy with.


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