# Problems with pregnant wife



## andrews (Jan 25, 2009)

My wife has been sober for 8 years and is an active member of AA. We've been married for nearly 4 years, and have know each other for 10 years (including a 3 year breakup). We have a 2 year old daughter.

Two months ago my wife started acting strange. She was starting more arguments, spending more time with her friend (female), and was going to meetings on Saturday nights (usually our family night). During this time, we were also trying to have our second child. One night she abruptly told me she wanted to stop trying to have a baby. She said there was too much stress in her life right now with work. Guess what? We found out she was pregnant the next week.

Now three weeks ago, she told me that she's been thinking about separating. She basically said that she doesn't feel connected to me and there is no sexual chemistry. She also said after writing about it and working with her sponsor, she realizes that it was never there to begin with. She said that she was aware of these feelings before we were married, but just thought that she could work through her sexual hang ups by herself. She thought it was her and now thinks it's us. She said we deserve the opportunity to go out and find the perfect person for each other.

I've been processing things since that revelation. We went to our first marriage counselor a few days ago. At the session, my wife said that she doesn't think she wants to work on the marriage because she doesn't know how to. She doesn't know how we can "get the chemistry back" when it was never there. When the counselor asked if she was afraid she might cheat, my wife said "yes" and is afraid of hurting me one day. 

All along I had this weird hunch about why this all came out now. I decided to ask her today if she started having feelings for someone else. She said "yes" that two months ago she discovered that she started feeling something for a man in her AA meeting. She said it was just a feeling and nothing more, and immediately talked to her sponsor and stopped going to the meeting. It was that time that she started questioning why she would have feelings for someone else when her life was perfect. 

We've been best friends since we met, rarely argue, never yell at each other and share the same values. We have a deep mutual admiration for each other, and we share the same eclectic taste in art and music. On paper we look like a fantastic match. Yet, she said now she knows that the problem is our lack of sexual chemistry (which is news to me because I love having sex with her). 

When I asked her if she still had feelings for the other guy, she said yes, but she doesn't see him and swears nothing in the slightest happened (I believe her). She got scared and removed herself from the situation. She also says that she truly wishes that things were like they were before she developed these feelings. She wishes her brain didn't realize there was a problem with us. I can really tell that this is tearing her apart.

This is the FIRST problem of our marriage. I can't get over the fact that the woman that I love and adore would have feelings for someone else while pregnant with our child. This is killing me. My gut tells me to leave. If she's never felt a sexual connection with me, how can I expect her to feel it now? The other side says that I should stay, work on it and she might change her mind. I'm thinking that maybe her hormones are completely out of whack with the pregnancy (to top it off, she's off her meds since the pregnancy). We both agree that every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. 

I've talked to my sponsor (7 years in Al-Anon), but he says the decision is mine and he can't tell me what to do (which I figured). So, does anyone have any experience with this, or words to help me find my answer?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow im really sorry for what you are going through. it sounds like you both are respecting each other and just working through the process. have you two thought about going to a sex therapist? i have been considering it in my own marriage.


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## andrews (Jan 25, 2009)

Thanks for the kind words. I've never thought about a sex therapist. It's definitely something to consider. Thanks for the suggestion.


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

So, it's been about 3 months of strange behavior? Did I read that right? 

If that's the case, I wouldn't entertain the idea of separation or divorce for now. Try the sex therapist, but maybe it's just a phase. Not trying to downplay your situation, I do sympathize.

In the marriage counseling, does your wife get the opportunity to discuss her problems without your presence? If not, maybe she needs to see someone. It just sounds like you guys have a great marriage and maybe she just needs to remember that. 

Just some ideas.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds as though the feelings she started having for the man in AA got her thinking that she should have that feeling of excitement about you and does not. The truth is, that initial feeling of attraction has a shelf life of about 2 years max and if she did leave to pursue the 'perfect man for her' chances are when those feelings stop, she will feel much as she does today. 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman describes this pretty well. It also speaks of the deeper love that begins when the initial infatuation stage ends.

My take after reading this, was that if you crave that feeling of excitement, you're better off just perpetually dating vs. getting into a long-term relationship. It may get her thinking differently if she's enlightened by this.

From your standpoint, there are also things you can do to keep things 'fresh' ... have you let yourself go at all? Doing things to keep your wife looking...wardrobe updates....new hairstyle...staying fit...if those things have been lacking, and you want to make changes, now would be the time to do it...not for her, but for you. Confidence is very attractive.

She seems to be very open and honest with you on how she is feeling, which is great. I hope she will consider holding off on any major decisions until after the baby is born and if she needs meds for moods, etc. that she is back on track with that.


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## andrews (Jan 25, 2009)

Thanks flipflopchic,

I really hope it's just a phase (maybe wacky pregnancy hormones???). My concern is that she said she's always felt like this, but she finally hit the tipping point when she starting having feelings for this guy she met. She hasn't acted on them, but she still has feelings for him and not me.

Now, I'm starting to obsess on the fact that my pregnant wife has feelings for someone else. This is starting to put me in a bit of depression. I can feel it. Yesterday was very difficult for me. 

We've decided to stick it out for a few more months and see what happens. I'm currently looking for a sex therapist in the Orange County CA area. Any ideas?


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## andrews (Jan 25, 2009)

swedish said:


> From your standpoint, there are also things you can do to keep things 'fresh' ... have you let yourself go at all? Doing things to keep your wife looking...wardrobe updates....new hairstyle...staying fit...if those things have been lacking, and you want to make changes, now would be the time to do it...not for her, but for you. Confidence is very attractive.


I wouldn't say I've let myself go (we've both gained a little weight), but I haven't really improved myself either since we've been married. I actually started working out again since this happened. AI'm also trying to eat better - low fats, low sugars. I really want to feel good about myself. Right now, I'm just fighting this depression I feel myself in.


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## flipflopchic (Jan 28, 2009)

I'm glad you guys are trying to stick it out, because these are the kind of problems (from what I hear) that are very normal. Most, if not all, married couples have the same feelings that you and your wife are currently experiencing. 

I'm not one of them, but I do know several 30,40,50 year veteran married couples. I haven't posted my issues yet, but I have asked for their advice. There hasn't been cheating or abuse and you guys, before a few months ago, were getting along great. 

I'm so far from your situation but I have to say that your wife maybe having that "grass is greener on the other side" feeling. It's one of my current feelings and I have to remind myself that I am married to a great guy, I have a good relationship even though things are different now. 

I have a hard time believing your wife has felt this way for a long time. Maybe to some extent. 

Your wife needs to remember that you can't end one relationship in order to start another. In a few years she will have these exact same feelings. There is *NO *such thing as the perfect person or soul mate. 

Can't help ya with the therapist. 
Not anywhere near you Californians.


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