# Girlfriend is always flip flopping



## Messaboogie (Feb 23, 2014)

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years and been living together for a year and a half. We have split up twice and have had many close calls. She has 2 kids that refer to me as their dad and say I'm the best boyfriend their mom has ever had.

The problem is always her. It's never me that wants to break up. It always comes out of nowhere. She will say I'm not romantic enough. We don't have all the same interests. Were not compatible because of that. She will say staying with a guy and settling down isn't something she can do.

She has a lot of issues. Her first husband (high school sweethearts) cheated on her from the time they met till they finally divorced. She's had a string of long term relationships since mostly with guys who took advantage from what she tells me. I told her tonight if we break up again that I want her to lose my number and forget me. My heart can't keep going through this. Having her and the kids torn from my life over and over is too painful.

She also has a lot of medical issues. She recently got started on anti depressants. She is waiting to see if she can get disability because of a string of other issues. She spends money profusely. She is making no money and already spent nearly $5k of her tax refund. She has a job but her doctor had her take a medical leave. Her short term disability has run out. Not that all that was need to know by any means.

Yesterday we were watching a show about vikings and she turns to me and says you should never let me watch shows like this. It only leads to trouble. Then went into her thing about not settling down. I simply said "honey if we break up it's not to do with incompatibility. It's because you got into another mood that no one can live up to your fictional idea of romance" she honestly believes love and romance is like in the movies and fairy tales. She says she's only truly happy when she's "hunting" but yet loves the idea of settling down. 

I don't really know what to do anymore.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Messaboogie said:


> Yesterday we were watching a show about vikings and she turns to me and says you should never let me watch shows like this. It only leads to trouble. Then went into her thing about not settling down. I simply said "honey if we break up it's not to do with incompatibility. It's because you got into another mood that no one can live up to your fictional idea of romance" she honestly believes love and romance is like in the movies and fairy tales. She says she's only truly happy when she's "hunting" but yet loves the idea of settling down.
> 
> I don't really know what to do anymore.


 You pretty much said it to her but did she hear you and if she did is she willing to make some changes?

If she hasn't or wont then tell her to be happy and hunt, but leave first.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you need to figure out what you want out of life. She might be the one toing and froing, but you're the one playing along like she's the pied piper. If she can't give you what you want out of a relationship, move on. Hanging on for dear life while she tries to flip you off at every turn doesn't sound like a relationship any sane person would actually want to be in.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Way to much baggage. Unless you really love this woman and you cannot live without her, I advise you, FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, to leave her and find a woman who knows how to communicate and save money.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Way too much baggage

If she were a lovely woman, I would say go for it; but she is bringing you nothing but pain and trouble.

Don't be providing for two stranger's children, when she isn't making the effort to care for them herself. Spending money a person can't afford to spend is a sure sign of someone who will suck the life out of you.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You can't expect to change her. She's so fickle that a TV show changes her mind about her relationship. It doesn't matter why or what history caused her to be that way, it's probably not going to change. So if you can't take it, then move on.


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## Messaboogie (Feb 23, 2014)

What's funny is some of the things you guys are saying in here are things I have said to her as well.

Truth be told I know I shouldn't provide for the kids when she isn't. Their dad doesn't care anything about them. He calls usually around Christmas time to basically tell them "hey I got my new son something for Christmas but didn't get you anything" I can't let them starve to death though or try to not help them with their problems or homework.

On my end I have some things I need to figure out for certain. I mean I'm a 35 year old guy without a clue what a healthy relationship should be like. All I know is that when things are good I'm really happy and eager to get home. When they aren't I look forward to the next work day and the next night of school. I have a bit of a caretaker personality. I mean I put everyone else before myself.

In my mind I keep hoping maybe the anti depressants will work and she will feel a change. It's a long shot but I doubt it. 

I do hear what all of you are saying and I am putting thought into it all. It's just really hard to be in the situation and trying to tell your heart what your mind already knows.

I hate being over sensitive.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Messaboogie said:


> I mean I'm a 35 year old guy without a clue what a healthy relationship should be like...I have a bit of a caretaker personality. I mean I put everyone else before myself.


If you don't know how to be in a healthy relationship, then don't be in ANY relationship! Not saying this in a MEAN way, but be logical.

You should love yourself enough to want a GREAT relationship for yourself...not just the 'least crappy' one you can find.

Best advice I've got for you?

1) Break up with her NOW. Not in a couple of months, or after she's found a new place to live, or when school is out...NOW. Make a clean break of it and sever all contact with her. She's trouble. And if she likes to 'hunt' who knows if she'll start hunting while still living with you and spending your money! Why take the chance? She's TOLD you who she is; if you're smart, you'll believe her.

2) Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You should read this book and answer the questions at the end of EVERY chapter. You'll learn a lot about yourself; who you are, why you're like you are, how you can change the things about yourself you WANT to change, how to have a healthy relationship, etc.

You could be in a VERY different, better healthier place in 6-8 months if you'll quit dating and start working on being a better Messaboogie.

Best wishes in 2014.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> If you don't know how to be in a healthy relationship, then don't be in ANY relationship! Not saying this in a MEAN way, but be logical.
> 
> You should love yourself enough to want a GREAT relationship for yourself...not just the 'least crappy' one you can find.
> 
> ...


while its hard to swallow at first, this is good solid advice. 
you cant change her. 

nothing else, you have already told her that if she walks out on you again, your done. MEAN IT!


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

I think you should listen to what she is saying. It sounds like she doesn't want to be with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## markster (Nov 20, 2012)

Messaboogie said:


> Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years and been living together for a year and a half. We have split up twice and have had many close calls. She has 2 kids that refer to me as their dad and say I'm the best boyfriend their mom has ever had.
> 
> The problem is always her. It's never me that wants to break up. It always comes out of nowhere. She will say I'm not romantic enough. We don't have all the same interests. Were not compatible because of that. She will say staying with a guy and settling down isn't something she can do.
> 
> ...


Yikes !!

This was me some years ago and still is to a certain degree. I am still a work in progress.

Don't take offense please but it appears that you may suffer from "White Knight Syndrome". I know I did. Meaning that you feel the need to come riding in to save her from something (mean exes, financial problems, health problems) by supporting and caring for her and her kids. If she were all about 50/50 and it was a temporary situation then it might be forgiven but it sounds like it is far from either and on top of it all she wants to break up regularly? 

My wife too had(s) a fictional idea of romance that no-one but a character in a novel could ever live up to. 

I would suggest that you take her up on it and make the break asap. You can't "save" her or her kids as much as you'd like to. It is too much drama for one person to bear. 

This will never get better, I can practically guarantee it.

Mark


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Messaboogie said:


> The problem is always her. It's never me that wants to break up. It always comes out of nowhere. She will say I'm not romantic enough. We don't have all the same interests. Were not compatible because of that. She will say staying with a guy and settling down isn't something she can do.
> 
> *I told her tonight if we break up again that I want her to lose my number and forget me. My heart can't keep going through this.*


Good for you for setting a boundary.

Now, if she does it again, you just have to follow suit.

People who are hot and cold with their love do not generally make good relationship partners. 

It is mentally exhausting. Eventually, you will get tired of it.


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