# repressed emotions during 20+ year marriage



## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

sorry its long...20 years is a long time...

I'm new to the forums, so making an intro post per the rules. I'm in a major transition being separated from husband and heading towards filing for divorce. Like my title says, I'm working through repressed emotions of 20 years. I was one of those very dedicated wives who gave her all. My husband might say the same about himself, but the truth is he was quite a jerk. His behavior was all over the place though; he described himself as jekyll and hyde. He was there for me in a lot of ways, but if I had any complaints about his behavior that is where he drew the line. He was never one to apologize and he could be cold as ice and very mean and dismissive, degrading. He also saw himself as very warm and loving. I have a hard time thinking back over the many years as there are many cringey events.

I tend to remember the times he supported me when I was very out of control (anxiety attack, not about him). He just stood there until I felt better, or got me water, but I appreciated him still loving me when I had felt so frightened and overwhelmed. He didn't leave me when I had a life-threatening diagnosis, although he was a handful during my treatment. I tend to focus on these couple of things, and blur over the rest.

He would express love for our kids, people would think he thought the world of them. It was true in ways, but again, he could be very cold and selfish, and often angry. He was not maturing over the years. He was neglectful and destructive, impulsive. All these things drove me crazy and yet I never thought I could break up the family over it. I put all my energy into trying to slow him down, and keep our finances from imploding, and trying to improve his mental health I guess. I think he put a lot of energy into having dominance over me and an upper hand. I think he was doing a lot of things purposely and I was too naïve to get it. He would often say he didn't remember things, or just deny things.

His mental health became very bad a handful of years ago, and he started living in his own world it seemed. He was here but gone. Things weren't easy for us or the kids, and I feel like I failed my kids by trying to stay by his side. I did not know how to leave a person with problems they "can't help." The kids started to fear and despise him, and my minor child started telling me she wants us to live apart from him. She is still very angry with me at times that it took me six months to ends things with him after she told me she couldnt stand living with him anymore. 

I had tried to reason with him for several months to see if he could adjust his behavior to keep us together, but he could not. He would only say I was lying, making things up, etc etc. He said I was betraying him. I saw a counselor twice a week for a few months to help me through everything, until I worked up the courage to tell him I want to separate and divorce. It was the final straw when he kept mocking me and calling me names, and acting like an unruly, high, teenager instead of a full grown family man. I had no choice but to end it for my kids sake, and my own self respect. He blamed me of course but also said he didn't blame me. Jekyll hyde. He left and no longer lives in the area. Is following good feelings to stay alive. Wasnt parenting before but definitely not now. I am trying to move on, but the whole thing was so confusing and I had really convinced myself we were special even though it was a dysfunctional mess.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

meanderingmuffin said:


> sorry its long...20 years is a long time...
> 
> I'm new to the forums, so making an intro post per the rules. I'm in a major transition being separated from husband and heading towards filing for divorce. Like my title says, I'm working through repressed emotions of 20 years. I was one of those very dedicated wives who gave her all. My husband might say the same about himself, but the truth is he was quite a jerk. His behavior was all over the place though; he described himself as jekyll and hyde. He was there for me in a lot of ways, but if I had any complaints about his behavior that is where he drew the line. He was never one to apologize and he could be cold as ice and very mean and dismissive, degrading. He also saw himself as very warm and loving. I have a hard time thinking back over the many years as there are many cringey events.
> 
> ...


@meanderingmuffin Welcome to TAM.
Your story is a sad one and unfortunately is all too common. Men and women fool one another, and fool ourselves as a way of life it seems. My own life is full of deception and repression until recently.

But now you are seeing things more clearly it sounds like.

How long have you been separated? When are you filing for divorce? Why the delay?


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @meanderingmuffin Welcome to TAM.
> Your story is a sad one and unfortunately is all too common. Men and women fool one another, and fool ourselves as a way of life it seems. My own life is full of deception and repression until recently.
> 
> But now you are seeing things more clearly it sounds like.
> ...


Thank you for the welcome and reply. That's good you are seeing things more clearly, and yes, I am trying to as well. 
We've been separated a bit over two months now. I didn't file at first because I was busy with so many things since he left very abruptly, and I was letting the dust settle a bit. I was also in a stage of worrying that sending him paperwork would be dangerous for his mental health.

I've since come to learn he is already living with some woman he can't have known more than a couple few weeks or so before moving in with her. Its crazy, but I guess not unlike him to be so impulsive and over the top, and maybe even using her (probably I guess). I find myself wondering if he acts like she's so special and its the great love affair after poor him was rejected by him family. I don't think I actually care, but then again I've repressed and been in denial of my feelings for so long its hard for me to gauge. I just will keep moving forward and assume that I will sort myself out and time goes on. 

I will need to pay a few hundred dollar filing fee, and should pay a lawyer for a consultation at least I guess, so part of the delay is finances. I am trying to have some money in the bank since we had no savings at all due his poor handling of money that I was never able to control, and his getting fired several times and being out of work. I am paying for all the bills myself with little help from him. I spent a lot of money on our kid the last couple months, trying to give her things she needs and wants, since he was taking all the resources before. Part of me worries about getting a child support order in, and him not being able to pay, and all the repercussions for him. Im so trained and brainwashed to worry about him. He is very selfish, he'd say its because his mental health. He'd also say his mental health is good.

I need to see filing for divorce as a gift to myself, which could help me along. Thanks for helping me process!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

meanderingmuffin said:


> Thank you for the welcome and reply. That's good you are seeing things more clearly, and yes, I am trying to as well.
> We've been separated a bit over two months now. I didn't file at first because I was busy with so many things since he left very abruptly, and I was letting the dust settle a bit. I was also in a stage of worrying that sending him paperwork would be dangerous for his mental health.
> 
> I've since come to learn he is already living with some woman he can't have known more than a couple few weeks or so before moving in with her. Its crazy, but I guess not unlike him to be so impulsive and over the top, and maybe even using her (probably I guess). I find myself wondering if he acts like she's so special and its the great love affair after poor him was rejected by him family. I don't think I actually care, but then again I've repressed and been in denial of my feelings for so long its hard for me to gauge. I just will keep moving forward and assume that I will sort myself out and time goes on.
> ...


Absolutely...divorce is a gift to yourself. Well said.
I've heard a few times here on TAM: Divorce is so expensive because it's worth it!

The sooner you move on to filing for divorce, the sooner you can put it behind you and continue on the healing journey.
You mentioned kids, but he's not co-parenting?
How old are your kids? Do they understand what's happening?

Do you expect that to change or is he pretty much done and moved on?

How is your support system? Parents, friends, church, etc?
I do recommend you stay on TAM, reading, posting new posts, & commenting on anything. There are a lot of great people here and a lot of healing can occur just by sounding things out here and listening to the wide breadth of experiences.

Best of luck to you!


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Absolutely...divorce is a gift to yourself. Well said.
> I've heard a few times here on TAM: Divorce is so expensive because it's worth it!
> 
> The sooner you move on to filing for divorce, the sooner you can put it behind you and continue on the healing journey.
> ...


Thank you. Yes, I am ready to put our relationship behind me. I had imagined perhaps we could have a good feeling friendship going forward; but after having this space from him I can more honestly see that there is no real basis for a friendship. I can appreciate his struggle and attempts to overcome his struggle, but there are so many unfriendly and unloving things he has done to me even when I gave him everything he could want in a partner.
No he is not coparenting. He left the state when I told him I wanted a divorce. He planned to have an online relationship with our kid and she rejected that and wants nothing to do with him. His attempts to communicate with the kids are pretty pitiful. Kids are 14 and 20, so they understand what is happening. He likely will wait years for them to come around, which they won't do I'm pretty sure. I don't encourage them one way or another. They will do what is healthy for them.
He left me with the house, our stuff, and his stuff except what fit in a small car, and the bills. He said he would send x amount of dollars a month, but has sent a fraction. He told me to handle selling the house and give him his half of the proceeds.
My support system is okay. I have friends to connect with but I am not a big socializer. I have little family, no parents. No one to lean on necessarily, but a couple brothers who love me. I do need to develop new traditions. Im not big on holidays, but its a bit sad to have tiny little celebrations while seeing others with big families etc. My kid and I like to do community events, and I hope to join in to some groups of some sort.
I am enjoying the energy of TAM. Thanks for the warm welcome!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The sooner you can get things started with an attorney that better off you will be financially because he is out there spending your assets on another woman the other things. It takes time and as much paperwork as you will be able to put your hands on to start controlling that. 

I'm glad you finally woke up from the abuse haze. You just start getting used to things sometimes that you shouldn't and then they just get worse and worse because you don't want to rock the boat. 

He doesn't sound very mature for someone who's been married 20 years. If he's not now he never will be. 

So you have concentrate on getting started with a family law attorney and they can take some of the worry and burden off of you for a price of course. If you have some joint assets you'll get some of that back at the end. Good luck.


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The sooner you can get things started with an attorney that better off you will be financially because he is out there spending your assets on another woman the other things. It takes time and as much paperwork as you will be able to put your hands on to start controlling that.
> 
> I'm glad you finally woke up from the abuse haze. You just start getting used to things sometimes that you shouldn't and then they just get worse and worse because you don't want to rock the boat.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the encouragement. I will see an attorney asap. I can borrow money from a friend to speed up the process I suppose but I hate to do that. He said again today that he will start sending x amount each week the best he can. I have so little faith in him that I'm surprised to even hear from him. 

Im glad I woke up too. That's how I will phrase it to myself going forward. I was so aware of the abuse, yet responded to it inappropriately. Like his bad behavior was my responsibility. He is immature, and even more difficult-he regressed from him mental breakdown. I feel for him for that, but I've always let my sympathy for him take over. 

The more I can wake up the better I will do for myself it seems.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Good for you! File and don’t look back.
Do you work? Do your kids work? They could be helping you keep up with expenses.

are you protecting what you do have? Separate bank accounts? Have you moved anything or value into your name only? I hope so!

stay strong. It will get better!


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

@meanderingmuffin: I am so very sorry you have been through this, but glad you are moving forward! It is so difficult as many of us here know. But in the end you will be healthier and happier without his toxic presence in your life. Keep posting - TAM is an amazing, supportive community.


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Good for you! File and don’t look back.
> Do you work? Do your kids work? They could be helping you keep up with expenses.
> 
> are you protecting what you do have? Separate bank accounts? Have you moved anything or value into your name only? I hope so!
> ...


Thanks! I've been hoping for 20 years things would improve. Tried everything. I saw his true colors when I started telling him absolutely no.

I work. I was a stay at home mom for years, which was rewarding but didn't help me in the relationship. I'm thankful it was possible. I can't say it was all because he supported us, because I contributed equally with separate assets I had almost every year I stayed home with the kids. I also watched other people's kids, and made other money once my assets ran out.

My son works but lives at his own place with girlfriend. He could always move back if he needed to. My other kid is too young to work. I am making it, but I can't take on more or have anything change. I do think husband will contribute, but we need to get a set amount in place so its not the same dynamic it has been of me not knowing what to expect of him and him stringing things a long being unpredictable and unstable. He keeps proposing more than I would expect, yet not delivering anyway. 

I spent the last two months separating everything to protect myself. I can't yet do anything about the car and house except pay the bills on them. Still need to decide about house buyout. 

I am starting to believe it will get better! Its felt peaceful being separated, though sad too. Sad is better than at my wits end and annoyed like I had been. 

Thanks for your encouragement!


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

Coloratura said:


> @meanderingmuffin: I am so very sorry you have been through this, but glad you are moving forward! It is so difficult as many of us here know. But in the end you will be healthier and happier without his toxic presence in your life. Keep posting - TAM is an amazing, supportive community.


Thank you. It was a toxic relationship and I don't know how we kept it going so long. We loved each other so much, yet I've realized that's not the right word for what I was experiencing. It was love like when you have a family member who has addiction and anger issues from their past, and you love them through it even though they don't care at all about how you feel, but they need you and want you to care about them. It is difficult, and its helpful to communicate with others who are in the same spot or have been or will be. Thank you so much for your support!


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