# Moving on with his girlfriend whilst still living in the married home



## Nic0 (Mar 26, 2017)

I need to know if there is anyone out there that's dealing with the same or similar situation as I find myself in and if so how do they cope? Five weeks ago I told my husband who I suspected had been cheating for over 18 months that I wanted a divorce. Since then he has confirmed my suspicions and has gone as far as booked a holiday with this woman (going away in 7 days time) and has spent Saturday evenings out all night to then return to the house we live in with our two children the following morning as if nothing is out of the ordinary!!! He has also had a date with this woman and my children without my consent! Has anyone got any advice?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Have you filed for divorce?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Nic0 said:


> I need to know if there is anyone out there that's dealing with the same or similar situation as I find myself in and if so how do they cope? Five weeks ago I told my husband who I suspected had been cheating for over 18 months that I wanted a divorce. Since then he has confirmed my suspicions and has gone as far as booked a holiday with this woman (going away in 7 days time) and has spent Saturday evenings out all night to then return to the house we live in with our two children the following morning as if nothing is out of the ordinary!!! He has also had a date with this woman and my children without my consent! Has anyone got any advice?


Yes, tell him to leave now. There is no way that I would live with a man who was cheating on me. Also get legal advise about the child care etc. That was wrong to take the children to meet her. Do they know you are getting divorced? Do they know that lady is his girlfriend? 
Is he going to move in with her? What are his plans?


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Go to your local family court and file a restraining order and say that you feel threatened by him because of his actions (getting in your face, physical threats, preventing you from leaving the room or the house), and have him removed from the home. 

Don't worry about him, he's got somewhere else to stay.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I agree with the others. Get a lawyer and file ASAP. Have your attorney file a restraining order against him as well. It is the best way to stop his bullying ways! What an *******!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You had a suspicion, you made plans to divorce, he showed you that you were correct and he was cheating.
I'm not sure what you were expecting to happen? Were you bluffing about the divorce to try and get him to come back to you?

Never use divorce as a bargaining chip. If you were bluffing, he called your bluff. Carry on with the divorce.


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## Nic0 (Mar 26, 2017)

Yes I have instructed my solicitor to start proceedings but my husband is refusing to leave


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## Nic0 (Mar 26, 2017)

The other issue I have is the other woman is a teaching assistant in my eldest child's school and this relationship which they are trying to move to the next level will cause my child confusion and unrest at school as well as at home! I have explained what is happening to my children however. They are too young to understand fully and it would appear their father is not explaining anything.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Whose house or apartment is the name under? The right thing to do, IMO, is leave. Still, if it is equally shared property, he doesn't have to go anywhere if he shares ownership.


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## Nic0 (Mar 26, 2017)

The house is mortgaged in both our names


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nic0 said:


> The other issue I have is the other woman is a teaching assistant in my eldest child's school and this relationship which they are trying to move to the next level will cause my child confusion and unrest at school as well as at home! I have explained what is happening to my children however. They are too young to understand fully and it would appear their father is not explaining anything.


People like this have no business around any kids. Exposure is your best bet.at her work


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are the two of you sleeping in the same bed? Or has he moved out to another room in the house?


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## Nic0 (Mar 26, 2017)

He hasn't slept in the same bed as me since my six year son was born, he blamed it on his sleeping issues, these seem to have miraculously resolved themselves!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You becoming aware of his affair, and the pending divorce, has made him feel free to engage in his new relationship openly. It's hurtful to you of course, but he stopped caring about your feelings a long time ago.

And it's not illegal, so there's no legal recourse for you to have him kicked out of his own residence.

However, you can start being more forceful with the divorce process. The sooner you can divide assets, the sooner he can move out. You may also be able to get in some clauses about introducing a new partner to the children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nic0 said:


> He hasn't slept in the same bed as me since my six year son was born, he blamed it on his sleeping issues, these seem to have miraculously resolved themselves!


Will his affair have any influence on the divorce? What I mean is that in a few places, you could get a much better outcome financially due to his affair in some places.

So he sleeps in a different bedroom than you? If he does, take anything of his and just throw it in his room.

Lock the door to your bedroom so he never goes in there. That is your private space now.

You will have to share a home with him until he realizes that he has to move out. So to make it more livable for you interact with him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below). Basically pretend he does not exist.

Do you have a job? If so, what percentage of the joint income do you earn?

Do you have a joint bank account with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, I am assuming that you want to divorce and have no desire to try to save your marriage. Is this true?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

stixx said:


> Go to your local family court and file a restraining order and say that you feel threatened by him because of his actions (getting in your face, physical threats, preventing you from leaving the room or the house), and have him removed from the home.
> 
> Don't worry about him, he's got somewhere else to stay.


As much as she would like him out of the house and he should leave it telling a person to file a false restraining order and making up imaginary threats is hardly sound or good advice. No where in her post did she write he threatened her


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## Nic0 (Mar 26, 2017)

Up until 18 months ago I was the main wage earner, however I took early release from a very well paid job to save my family and started a part time minimum wage job so I could be closer to home and near my kids, obviously now I know this was a futile effort, leaving me with an income of under a third of the joint income. We do not have a joint account.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nic0 said:


> Up until 18 months ago I was the main wage earner, however I took early release from a very well paid job to save my family and started a part time minimum wage job so I could be closer to home and near my kids, obviously now I know this was a futile effort, leaving me with an income of under a third of the joint income. We do not have a joint account.


I’m not sure about where you live, but here (USA) the spouse who earns less can ask for interim spousal support and child support during the divorce. That way you have some protection. Clearly you are going to have to find another job now so that you can support yourself at your previous level.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

honcho said:


> As much as she would like him out of the house and he should leave it telling a person to file a false restraining order and making up imaginary threats is hardly sound or good advice. No where in her post did she write he threatened her


 @honcho

Many if not most divorce attorneys when counseling a woman for the first time in a potential divorce proceeding will advocate for forceable removal of the husband from the home via any means possible even if it means stretching the truth or even fabricating it. It gets him out of the house, off balance and gives her a huge edge in custody negotiations. 

Is it nice or fair or even "legal"? If there are no real safety concerns, then the answer is probably "no". But that does not mean it's not good advice, especially in a case such as this where the husband is exhibiting horrendous behavior with no regard to the physical or mental being of his wife- in which case it becomes "every person for him or herself".

Yes, it happened to me, I was the recipient of just such a restraining order, which was without basis and ultimately dismissed. As my then attorney said at the time "Getting a restraining order is Divorce 101". In other words, it's standard operating procedure. My girlfriend who is also divorced told her that her divorce attorney strongly encouraged her to do the same thing- she declined even though it would have given her a huge advantage and saved her a ton of money and time.

Here's one source that talks about the common tactic of false restraining orders.

http://www.restrainingorderblog.com/2009/11/how-to-beat-false-restraining-order.html


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Nic0 said:


> The other issue I have is the other woman is a teaching assistant in my eldest child's school and this relationship which they are trying to move to the next level will cause my child confusion and unrest at school as well as at home! I have explained what is happening to my children however. They are too young to understand fully and it would appear their father is not explaining anything.


Talk to the schools principal about this, tell him/her of your concerns for your child. As long as she isn't actually working in your son's class they may not have much contact. 
Of course he wont tell them, he is a coward. :|


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

stixx said:


> @honcho
> 
> Many if not most divorce attorneys when counseling a woman for the first time in a potential divorce proceeding will advocate for forceable removal of the husband from the home via any means possible even if it means stretching the truth or even fabricating it. It gets him out of the house, off balance and gives her a huge edge in custody negotiations.
> 
> ...


Ok he is acting badly, but that doesn't mean that she has to as well, by lying. Like your girlfriend, I rejected some of the advise given by my solicitor.A restraining order is for when the family are in danger of violence, not for cases like this.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

honcho said:


> As much as she would like him out of the house and he should leave it telling a person to file a false restraining order and making up imaginary threats is hardly sound or good advice. No where in her post did she write he threatened her


Honcho' I couldn't agree more. personally I think the only thing more morally bankrupt than cheating is making false allegations just to get your own way. far to many lives have been ruined unjustly because some spoiled brat didn't get their way and make false accusations as a way to get revenge. these people should be subject to face criminal charges not rewarded.

If you don't like what a WWS is doing than disengage until the D is settled, see what legal and proper recourse you have but making false accusation and using your kids as pawns is absolutely reprehensible.

Using the justification that the lawyers say its OK is beyond belief but not that surprising. As far as I'm concerned lawyers are a form of life that is just lightly above sewer rat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I also agree that making false reports to get a restraining order is just wrong. There are serious cases of abuse that need their reports to be taken seriously. By making a false report, all it does is to take away the validity of the valid reports.

But the OP did not say she was even thinking of doing this.

What her husband is doing is emotionally abusive. It's horrid. She can check with her lawyer to see if there is anything that she can do to get him removed from the home.


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## Nic0 (Mar 26, 2017)

Thank you for all of your valued advice and support, one thing that hasn't happened is physical abuse and I would never say otherwise, I hate liars and being married to one for over 16 years is a lesson never to become one. Thank you again all. X


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> *I also agree that making false reports to get a restraining order is just wrong. *T


There is emotional abuse going on when daddy is forcing things with the new gf on the children while daddy still lives with mommy. It damages the kids for life! 

The restraining order is for daddy to wake up and smell the coffee. His kids should come first, not him pushing his wife away and replacing her with OW. No matter how small the kids are, they will grow up and realize the sleazy move dad pulled on mom. It's hurtful for the children and they are the ones that need to be taken care of. Talk to your lawyer and get the restraining order so that the woman doesn't come close to your kids. It is not to alienate dad, but any third party until the divorce is final and the kids adjust to the new way of life.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> There is emotional abuse going on when daddy is forcing things with the new gf on the children while daddy still lives with mommy. It damages the kids for life!
> 
> The restraining order is for daddy to wake up and smell the coffee. His kids should come first, not him pushing his wife away and replacing her with OW. No matter how small the kids are, they will grow up and realize the sleazy move dad pulled on mom. It's hurtful for the children and they are the ones that need to be taken care of. Talk to your lawyer and get the restraining order so that the woman doesn't come close to your kids. It is not to alienate dad, but any third party until the divorce is final and the kids adjust to the new way of life.


I agree. Making up threats to get a restraining order could put the OP in risk of a contempt of court charge which would seriously jeopardize her custody and alimony case.

However a restraining order could be justified to ensure that the H only has supervised visitation without the OW present. Going out on a date with OW before the kids have even been informed of the D is a terrible thing to do to them. Even if the OW isn't directly teaching the kids I am sure that behavior would be considered unprofessional by the school and even get her terminated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bibi1031 said:


> There is emotional abuse going on when daddy is forcing things with the new gf on the children while daddy still lives with mommy. It damages the kids for life!
> 
> The restraining order is for daddy to wake up and smell the coffee. His kids should come first, not him pushing his wife away and replacing her with OW. No matter how small the kids are, they will grow up and realize the sleazy move dad pulled on mom. It's hurtful for the children and they are the ones that need to be taken care of. Talk to your lawyer and get the restraining order so that the woman doesn't come close to your kids. It is not to alienate dad, but any third party until the divorce is final and the kids adjust to the new way of life.


I agree that there is emotional abuse going on while he's cheating. 

But she has to do things within the law. She should not file a report in which she lies accusing him of physical violence. That is the bottom line.

Now if her jurisdiction says that cheating is enough to get a restraining order, so be it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

There is no need for her to lie in cases like this one. That is why I told her to see and lawyer and stop her WS from bullying his way through is. I did see the poster that advised to lie. That is a bad move and an unnecessary one too. You are are absolutely right about the lies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bibi1031 said:


> There is no need for her to lie in cases like this one. That is why I told her to see and lawyer and stop her WS from bullying his way through is. I did see the poster that advised to lie. That is a bad move and an unnecessary one too. You are are absolutely right about the lies.


I don't know of any state that has a law that would put a man out of his house because he's cheating. That's the point. She might be able to get some kind of order that ways that he cannot take the children around her right now. But that's about it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I don't know of any state that has a law that would put a man out of his house because he's cheating. That's the point. She might be able to get some kind of order that ways that he cannot take the children around her right now. But that's about it.


Right! The cheating is not a problem or him having to stay there is not a problem either according to the law of most states. The thing that causes the most damage for the kids is that he is imposing OW presence on them and this the law does protect against.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Nic0 said:


> I need to know if there is anyone out there that's dealing with the same or similar situation as I find myself in and if so how do they cope? Five weeks ago I told my husband who I suspected had been cheating for over 18 months that I wanted a divorce. Since then he has confirmed my suspicions and has gone as far as booked a holiday with this woman (going away in 7 days time) and has spent Saturday evenings out all night to then return to the house we live in with our two children the following morning as if nothing is out of the ordinary!!! He has also had a date with this woman and my children without my consent! Has anyone got any advice?


Continue with the divorce but also expose his affair far and wide. If you don't, he will introduce this **** as his "new girlfriend" as soon as the divorce is final, and friends and everyone will accept her and she will be there, with him and your children. If you expose the affair it will help kill it faster. Your marriage is over but he should not get to keep his side piece or have her around your children.

I don't know what can be done legally, but I would talk to a lawyer to see if there is any way you can keep that woman away from your children until the divorce is final. Do whatever you can to rain on the parade of their affair. Make sure your family, all your and his friends, his family, the little tramp's family, any friends of the tramps that you can find... Make sure they all know those two are conducting an illicit affair and THAT AFFAIR is the reason for the divorce. Hopefully she will be seen as the family wrecker that she is and feel like a pariah around his friends/family and that will hasten her exit from the scene.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Divorce is like a war, it's probably the biggest, worst, most expensive conflict a person will have in their entire lives. 

It doesn't have to be that way if both parties are mature, responsible, cooperative and honest. 

But when one of them has already started the fires burning and have crossed the lines such as the Ops husband has done, (in my opinion only of course) then it's time to pull out the stops and use any and all means to gain the upper hand or at least solid footing. 

But I'm being repetitive and the Op isn't interested in my suggested course of action so I will wish her the best of luck, because she's certainly going to need it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

stixx said:


> Divorce is like a war, it's probably the biggest, worst, most expensive conflict a person will have in their entire lives.
> 
> It doesn't have to be that way if both parties are mature, responsible, cooperative and honest.
> 
> ...


Yes it is a horrible thing to go through, my husband and I have both been through it with our exes after long first marriages, but no matter what our spouses have done or do in the divorce, my feeling is that we ourselves can choose to act with dignity, honestly, maturity and fairness. That's what we did.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I know that I will get roasted for this response but hey, such is life..

I can completely understand that this hurts but...

Is he doing anything wrong?

To be clear, it was absolutely wrong to have an affair but if the decision to divorce has already been made than the fact that he is still seeing somebody should be irrelevant as his marriage with you is over.

Yes, he is morally bankrupt for having the affair but if your relationship is done and your just waiting for the paperwork than you should both be moving on with your lives, including you. You need to detach any and all emotional connection with him. It sucks that he has moved on so quickly (moved on while he was still in an active marriage) but he has. Wallowing in misery because he is happy isn't going to get you anywhere in your healing.

I would suggest a respectful conversation that should go something along these lines;

STBXH, I don't agree with what you are doing but as our relationship is over it is not my business. What is my business and in both of our best interest is making sure we maintain a healthy co habitation while we deal with this for the benefit of our children. We need to be cognizant of what they see and pick up on in order to minimize any emotional damage to them. For that reason I am asking for their benefit and the benefit of a peaceful cohabitation while we wait for the D, please keep your relationship to being as discrete around your family as possible. Rubbing our nose in your new relationship will hurt your children and create unneeded conflict in our home. I hope you can see the need for this and we can continue to move forward in the best interest of our kids. 

If he keeps to these conditions than you should at least be able to minimize the pain.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EXPOSE the affair FAR AND WIDE.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bankshot1993 said:


> I know that I will get roasted for this response but hey, such is life..
> 
> I can completely understand that this hurts but...
> 
> ...


What is wrong is that he is causing such pain by remaining in the home while carrying on the affair.That is just cruel. In her place I would have the locks changed and his things packed outside the door.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Yes it is a horrible thing to go through, my husband and I have both been through it with our exes after long first marriages, but no matter what our spouses have done or do in the divorce, my feeling is that we ourselves can choose to act with dignity, honestly, maturity and fairness. That's what we did.


I wish I had acted with fairness when I got divorced. Fairness to myself!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

YES. What he is doing is VERY wrong.

They took marriage vows. Until the paperwork is done, they are still married. It is not okay to openly conduct and affair in front of his wife even if they are divorcing. There is a reason you can't undo a marriage in a day. He should have found someone to shack up with instead of getting married if he wanted to be able to parade a new honey in her face as soon as he took up with one. He already betrayed her and broke his vows. Now he is pouring salt in the would. And probably hurting/confusing the children. 



bankshot1993 said:


> I know that I will get roasted for this response but hey, such is life..
> 
> I can completely understand that this hurts but...
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a big thread jack gong on here about lying to get restraining order, dropping nuclear bombs, etc. Stop the argument between members. Any continuation of the thread jack will be met with time-out bans.

Stop the thread jack. Respond directly to the OP when she posts.

{Speaking as a moderator.}


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> YES. What he is doing is VERY wrong.
> 
> They took marriage vows. Until the paperwork is done, they are still married. It is not okay to openly conduct and affair in front of his wife even if they are divorcing. There is a reason you can't undo a marriage in a day. He should have found someone to shack up with instead of getting married if he wanted to be able to parade a new honey in her face as soon as he took up with one. He already betrayed her and broke his vows. Now he is pouring salt in the would. And probably hurting/confusing the children.


 Agreed, he needs to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Nic0

My take on it is that your husband must be very angry with you. He's have to be to do carry on an affair out in the open with you like this. It's like he's rubbing your face in it.

Is he normally an angry person? Does he have a chip on his shoulder? Does he feel like you owe him or you grossly wronged him? Or does he just feel that the world owes him and you are the target of his anger?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> EXPOSE the affair FAR AND WIDE.


As the OP used the term Solicitor they may be in the UK so we don't want her to be in the position of Sid Snot and be found guilty if harassment.

However she should inform the chairman or chairwoman of the school governors and the head teachers ASAP.

And get tested for STDs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just deleted the second thread jack on here. The participants got a short time out ban. 

That's what happens when people start arguing between each other about things that have nothing to do with the OP. And it's what happens when a moderator's warning is ignored.

{Speaking as a moderator.}


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