# A tip that might help your pain



## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

Like everyone, I've had moments of total despair about my wife's PA (6 months ago). We're still married, "working on it." I don't know how it will turn out, but here's what helps me:

Live day to day and be a good person to your spouse who cheated, but remember that you don't have to do this. You can quit anytime - it's your choice. I've made a lot of my pain go away by preparing myself for the end of marriage, in my mind. Imagine you plan to get divorced next month, but you won't do it until next month. How would you think differently? How would you live your life? Then when next month comes, decide if you're ready to really end it. If not, try to get to the next month.

Take care of yourself, start detaching in your mind, and then the fact that your spouse cheated doesn't even matter that much anymore. Jealousy goes away, a lot of it. Co-dependence goes away. Bad feelings and mind-movies start going away too, if you imagine that you will eventually end your marriage. The pain of the affair starts to go away because it doesn't matter anymore. 

This has worked for me because my wife is somewhat "checked out" of this marriage, even though we're "working on it." So I just go about my life, make my own future plans in my head, but I still put a lot into the marriage knowing that it's a possibility that it might work. Except the difference is I have no expectations anymore. Sure, I think I would like it to work out, but I'm not going to kill myself over it. I also realize I will be just fine without her, maybe even better off. 

I stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided to start preparing for the end while I still left the door open.

It's a balancing act - how can you stay "in it" if you're starting to "check out of it?" It can be done, and it helps the pain, especially if you have a spouse that's not giving as much to repairing the marriage as you think he/she should.

It takes a long time to repair a marriage that was damaged by infidelity. The only way I can put sufficient time into it, many many months, is to not care as much anymore about the outcome.

I've set my own goals for 2012. With or without her, I am going to reach them. And one of those goals is to be with a woman who respects me completely, one who fully loves me and wants to be with me and share a life of good times. Maybe my current wife will become that, or maybe it will be someone else. The goal is still there, my goal.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You have emotionally detached and your head is now ruling over your heart. This is giving you much needed peace of mind and a positive mental attitude for the future.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

I've done this by mentally transitioning to a friend rather than a husband it makes going out together much easier and noting the changes around the home that will take place.
I've actually been cleaning more lately becuase I think of it as my house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

I'll give this a shot. My wife has been willing to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage, she's shown remorse, she's even been showing me a large amount of affection. But I still can't stop thinking about her betrayal and I can't get the mind movies out of my head. She told me in explicit detail everything that they did...and it has honestly just ruined the new moments we've shared together (everything acts as a trigger). I think she's learned a strong life changing lesson throughout all of this...and I want to be happy with her in the future. But how do you get rid of the pain of the betrayal Especially with my wife, she only came back to me b/c I exposed the OM to his wife...so he dumped my wife (the day after they had sex for the first time)...and she came running back to me, she's constantly says she doesn't deserve me. But feeling like a 2nd choice doesn't help at all


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

Seangar said:


> I'll give this a shot. My wife has been willing to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage, she's shown remorse, she's even been showing me a large amount of affection. But I still can't stop thinking about her betrayal and I can't get the mind movies out of my head. She told me in explicit detail everything that they did...and it has honestly just ruined the new moments we've shared together (everything acts as a trigger). I think she's learned a strong life changing lesson throughout all of this...and I want to be happy with her in the future. But how do you get rid of the pain of the betrayal Especially with my wife, she only came back to me b/c I exposed the OM to his wife...so he dumped my wife (the day after they had sex for the first time)...and she came running back to me, she's constantly says she doesn't deserve me. But feeling like a 2nd choice doesn't help at all


From what you shared, your situation is different than mine. I would not recommend taking my approach, but instead would just go "all in" in your marriage. Just fight the pain in a different way, whatever works.... "it's just sex" or "she doesn't think about it and it's not important to her so f-it." Or "she wasn't a virgin when we married so so what" and "she made a big mistake and regrets it completely and now she's more devoted to me than ever." Try to kill the betrayal...have her join you in killing it and make the affair totally meaningless by talking a lot and showing affection. Do lots of things together. Make your marriage stronger than ever. She sounds committed. Stay the course...the pain will start to fade the longer she is working at it. Give it lots of time. You don't need to pretend you are getting a divorce like I am, that's f-ed up for you and not fair to your remorseful wife who's doing everything she can.

Thank you very much for one thing you said..."She told me in explicit detail everything that they did and it has honestly just ruined the new moments we've shared together." Even though I know most of the details of my wife's affair (painful emails I saw)...I still had the feeling that I wanted to hear her say the things she did. Now, from what you've said, I think I don't need to hear her say these things.

But you needed to know what you didn't know. You deserve that. She confessed, and that's important. Give her props for that. You have hope. You can get past it, especially with a wife who obviously loves you.


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