# Wife depressed after her affair



## Broken11

I need advice….

My wife and I have been married a while with two kids. A couple of months ago I had suspicions about a guy she was working with and through a little accidental snooping I found some emails. I confronted her and she said I had been going on since January and that they only kissed once. At first I was very hurt, but I just wanted to move forward and for her to stop talking to him. She agreed and called him to tell him it was over. Since then they have still been talking and now I know a great deal more about what happened. Let's just say it didn't stop at a kiss. Last Friday I found some more emails and confronted her about her continued communication. She said that she was sorry and she is tired of failing at our marriage , but he seems to keep sucking her back into this relationship. Where I am at today she has blocked the emails but is very depressed..so much that she cries herself to sleep at night. She tells me that she wants to be with me and make the marriage work, but she is having a difficult time letting him go as she still loves him. She says she loves me and never stopped loving me, but confused as to why she has such strong feelings for him. 

As a husband that is very forgiving and just want to move forward, how do I approach this depression? I believe she is worth fighting for, but at the same time I don’t to do any further damage to this relationship and our family.


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## Almostrecovered

she's the one doing further damage by continued contact


let me make this absolutely clear-


You cannot fix a marriage while an affair is ongoing



That means NO CONTACT with the OM
That means complete transparency from your wife (allow you access to all emails, phone, passcodes etc)
That means complete remorse from your wife and the willingness to do whatever it takes for you to heal


You have none of this and until you do, you have nothing

and when someone has nothing to lose then you shouldn't be afraid of creating further damage to the marriage and be able to walk up to her and inform that if she cannot do the 3 things outlined above then you will let her go and have the relationship with the OM as she desires and you will file for divorce


I know it sounds harsh
I know it is a very real possibility that she will agree
I know you're scared of losing her

but if she does leave then you have already lost her and are just getting to the end result faster without being the hell that is limbo


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## Broken11

Thanks for the reply. I think she is sincere this time as she is sorry and actually blocked his emails which I was able to verify. I have also blocked his numbers on her phone in an effort to remove the temptation. My hopes is that all contact is over now.

My question and biggest concern now is how approach this depression or almost the mourning of a death. It hurts me to see her like this and for her to be in so much pain.


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## zsu234

Have you exposed the affair to his wife, your family and friends? Until you do that this will go on.


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## Jellybeans

Depression aside... The main issue is she's still having an affair. You told her to end contact and she didn't and gave you a bullsh-t excuse as to why ("He keeps sucking me back in...") taking ZERO RESPONSIBILITY for her actions....zero accountability. That is major! You have no marriage as long as that's happening. If he is. Married you need to expose the affair TODAY without any warning to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Or you can file separation and divorce letting her know you aren't ok with an open marriage. Or you can do nothing and let her walk all over you since you've shown no consequences for her actions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774

Forgive my words, because i don't mean to be this brash, but screw her depression. It is self-inflicted. You didn't make her have the affair. Be careful of tactics like this, i'm not saying she isn't truly hurt, just saying that her "depression" will distract you from getting her in line the way you want to, because you will feel sorry for her well being. As stated above, NO contact with this guy, and you have open access to EVERYTHING!!! She's playing a dangerous where people can get hurt or worse. As long as this dude doesn't try anymore to come at her, i'd leave him alone. If he does, then i'd tell his wife about his pursuit with mine.


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## Entropy3000

I agree with what has been said, but after there is truly NC she will go through withdrawal. It is best at that time to see a doctor and get some anti-depressants. This helps her to focus on reality. You want that. An affair is fantasy time.

Being too quick to forgive is dangerous. She is still in the affair and you are already forgving her. I understand but wish you luck with this.


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## ArmyofJuan

Broken11 said:


> As a husband that is very forgiving and just want to move forward, how do I approach this depression?


By not being so forgiving and moving on.

You supporting her in her depression in actually enabling her. She did something wrong and you are cuddling instead of showing her consequences. That's ineffective and may lead to either relapsing into the A (taking it underground) or her leaving you because she is unhappy.

Tough love in the only thing that really works. Screw her depression, she had a least an EA on you. That by itself shows she can't be trusted and is grounds for a divorce. Being so nice and supportive will only make things worse.


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## Almostrecovered

The best way of helping her depression is to get the three things I mentioned first and then you can work on the problems in your marriage that led up to the affair

you can't help her unless she's on board with reconciliation and stopping her affair and being open


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## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> Or you can file separation and divorce letting her know you aren't ok with an open marriage. Or you can do nothing and let her walk all over you since you've shown no consequences for her actions
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is very very important. Too often folks are so quick to show their love and to be forgiving and so on. They do not realize that by not handling the affair and sweeping it under the rug they have enabled this future behavior. They will not be respected either.

Just wanting to move forward is rug sweeping and not wanting to deal with the affair. Big mistake.


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## Entropy3000

Broken11 said:


> Thanks for the reply. I think she is sincere this time as she is sorry and actually blocked his emails which I was able to verify. I have also blocked his numbers on her phone in an effort to remove the temptation. My hopes is that all contact is over now.
> 
> My question and biggest concern now is how approach this depression or almost the mourning of a death. It hurts me to see her like this and for her to be in so much pain.


This again is easily handled by taking her to the doctor. He must know why. He has to know that she is in an affair. He cannot prescribe properly if he does not have the truth.


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## sigma1299

I've been on your wife's side of this and I agree with what you've been told so far. Your absolute first priority is to break the affair by whatever means necessary. Make no mistake - this is very hard to do. There is no reconciliation until this happens and she agrees to and maintains no contact. Having said that, and not to take anything away from or compare to the pain you're in - she's hurting badly - it is self inflicted but it's still there. It is very much like quitting a drug habit, it hurts - even physically. Affairs are extremely hard to quit - just like a drug habit - it is so easy to get weak and slip back in. That's why absolute no contact is so vital. She has to commit to it and understand that it is for her as much as you and your marriage. Assuming she can do that and that she does the heavy lifting you need to reconcile you can help her by being there as much for her as she needs to be for you. I know it sounds weird, but you can lean on each other and help each other through your respective anguish by communicating and working through what she did together. It may well draw you much closer than you were previously, it did for my wife and me. 

The addiction part of her pain will fade in time, it will go faster if she maintains no contact. She needs you to hold her accountable for this, without it she may well fall to the addiction and make contact again. The other parts of her pain, remorse, guilt, shame, and a host of other emotions she and you will have to work through and deal with just as you and she will have to work through and deal with the pain and emotions you are suffering. Do it together, lean on each other, put your faith and effort in each other.


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## Catherine602

Broken I echo the what the previous posters have said. You need to get tough and resolute with you wife. You are not helping yourself, your wife or your marriage by wanting to move ahead quickly and skip steps. If you do not make it clear that you are willing to let her go if she continues the A or has another, then plan on more affairs in the future. 

The way you handle this will decide the future of your relationship and you happiness in the future. It's natural to want to get past the pain quickly but if you don't deal with this now you will suffer silently for years. Better to feel it all now. 

From the little that I have read, you seem to be suffering from nice man syndrome. You said nothing in your post about how you are feeling. You did not bring another into the marriage so why are you comforting her? She should be comforting you! You will not be able to manage emotionally with your present state of mind. She needs to do the heavy lifting now, she needs to take of you, she needs to atone. She is hiding behind the woe is me so that she can carry on the affair. 

Given that cheaters lie lie lie, I doubt that she did not have sex with him. You have to do things completely different. Stop letting her make a fool of you while she enjoys the attentions of this OM and your ministrations. She is getting her needs met in spades while you are left in the cold. 

I am more worried about you. She is fine but you are not and will not be until you tell her to cut the s**t, tell the truth and get to work or she is out and see if the OM will meet any of her needs. 

What is your plan then. You need to arrange MC and IC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

Catherine602 said:


> She is fine


Catherine - I agree with everything you said except the above. She may well not be fine. I was an emotional train wreck in the wake of leaving my EA. Again, all self inflicted and earned but without the support, help and love of my wife I would have been soooooo much worse, and could likely have run back to the OW just to stop the pain of quitting the addiction. 

It's a strange place. The WS has to decide to own and walk through the pain they have earned completely before the LS can do anything to help them. But, once the wayward has done that, assuming everyone wants to reconcile, the LS can greatly help the wayward by being there for them to.


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## Soccerfan73

Catherine602 said:


> Broken I echo the what the previous posters have said. You need to get tough and resolute with you wife. You are not helping yourself, your wife or your marriage by wanting to move ahead quickly and skip steps. If you do not make it clear that you are willing to let her go if she continues the A or has another, then plan on more affairs in the future.
> 
> The way you handle this will decide the future of your relationship and you happiness in the future. It's natural to want to get past the pain quickly but if you don't deal with this now you will suffer silently for years. Better to feel it all now.
> 
> From the little that I have read, you seem to be suffering from nice man syndrome. You said nothing in your post about how you are feeling. You did not bring another into the marriage so why are you comforting her? She should be comforting you! You will not be able to manage emotionally with your present state of mind. She needs to do the heavy lifting now, she needs to take of you, she needs to atone. She is hiding behind the woe is me so that she can carry on the affair.
> 
> Given that cheaters lie lie lie, I doubt that she did not have sex with him. You have to do things completely different. Stop letting her make a fool of you while she enjoys the attentions of this OM and your ministrations. She is getting her needs met in spades while you are left in the cold.
> 
> I am more worried about you. She is fine but you are not and will not be until you tell her to cut the s**t, tell the truth and get to work or she is out and see if the OM will meet any of her needs.
> 
> What is your plan then. You need to arrange MC and IC.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans

This:



Rob774 said:


> Forgive my words, because i don't mean to be this brash, but screw her depression. It is self-inflicted.


This: 



ArmyofJuan said:


> By not being so forgiving and moving on.
> 
> Tough love is the only thing that really works.


And this: 



Entropy3000 said:


> Being too quick to forgive is dangerous.


All excellent points. Heed the advice here. The fact she is still having an affair and you have not enforced any boundaries means that you are enabling her affair.

You just thought "What?! No way!" but... Yes, way. Every hour, minute, second you go by without enforcing consequences for her affair, you are ENABLING the affair.

If dude is married or pratnered, you MUST tell his wife/girlfriend/SO today. Do NOT tell your wife or him about exposing the affair first so they don't have time to get their stories straight and make YOU look like a psycho/loser/insecure man who is having problems in his marriage and "assuming" an affair is happening (Because, yes, they will do that in order to minimize the affair/make it not as bad/deny it).

If she won't end the affair (and she hasn't thus far), I'd FIRMLY remove yourself as an option, as a husband/friend/lover/confidant/etc. STAT. Pronto! Because you are letting her have the best of both worlds--she gets the fantasy man of her affair, the newness of a new/high of meeting a new person, that goo-goo feeling, and then she gets to come home to you, her husband, the guy who's always got her back.

Make it uncomfortable for her. She's sitting on the fence right now. *Move the fence*. Tell her you have made your decision. Affair or marriage. Time for her to decide what she wants cause you have. And if it doesn't wash with what you have got planned for the long-term, then you're out.

Simple as that. 

*Non-negotiable*. Completely.



sigma1299 said:


> Catherine - I agree with everything you said except the above. She may well not be fine. I was an emotional train wreck in the wake of leaving my EA. Again, all self inflicted and earned but without the support, help and love of my wife I would have been soooooo much worse, and could likely have run back to the OW just to stop the pain of quitting the addiction.
> 
> It's a strange place. The WS has to decide to own and walk through the pain they have earned completely before the LS can do anything to help them. But, once the wayward has done that, assuming everyone wants to reconcile, the LS can greatly help the wayward by being there for them to.


I agree and I don't. I've read others post about this too before. I don't think the DS "Needs" the BS to keep them on the straight and narrow. In fact, I think if the DS can't do it on their own, they're not really committed to the marriage anyway.

Speaking for myself, I ended the A all on my own and confessed to H afterwards. Oh sure, telling him prob helped remind me what a sh!t thing I had done but if I had no determination to truly end the A and keep in contact with OM, that would have meant I wasn't sold on being into my marriage. And that simply wasn't the case. Nonetheless, we divorced.


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## Catherine602

Sigma i understand but i cannot understand. I have very little sympathy for cheaters. I think people who cheat cause their own problems and then to look to the person they hurt and humiliated to help them get over loving someone else. How is it possible to expect the person who has been gutted to offer the cheater solice when they themselves need support. 

Where is the emotional energy supposed to come from for the LS? Why is the WS more deserving of support than the LS. To ask someone who is innocent of wrong to help a person who willfully and knowingly hurt them to get over loving someone else is beyond what can be expected of one human being. 

You would have to be a saint or with so little self esteem and choices that you do the impossible. There is no amount of love that would motivate a person to help someone get over loving someone else. It is fear and coercion. As you yourself said, if she did not help you you would have gone to the OW.

I love my husband very much but I would not help him get over loving someone else, a relationship that was started with the knowledge that it would devastate me. The only reason I would do it is if I needed time and money to plan an exit. But I would never respect him again and I could never want him to touch me. 

You wife is a saint that or she is on her way out. You will have to see it usually takes 12 to 24 months. After being himiliated and then having to convince you to stay with her while she was in pain must have been excruciating for her. I don't know if you can do enough to honor her. But maybe she will have an affair and you will have to win her back. Would you be able to do that? 

At any rate - take your wife's depression seriously get her help but my advice is for your self esteem be willing to let her go if she expects you to work to get her back. That's how I feel but then I am biased. 

I experienced the destruction of cheating on my family from my father. It devastated my mother and it affect all 4 of her kids. All for one selfish person whose sexual pleasure was more important than the lives of his children. I am being judgmental, maybe unfairly. But since I grew up and witnessing the destruction of cheating, my sympathy goes to the LS. Just as you said, you had the OW to fall back on so you had much more than your wife. She just had you in effect she had someone who did not have her back so she had nothing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

Well first - you are correct my wife is a saint. Ironic, I actually used that very word to describer her to the OW. You are also correct that every bit of pain a cheater has is self inflicted, earned, deserved, and the price they have to pay for their selfishness. The WS is most certainly not more deserving of support than the LS, but they are not totally undeserving of it either in the right circumstance. I don't think there can be any expectation of the LS providing support to the WS, but I don't think it is impossible or unheard of - my wife did for me. I didn't ask or expect my wife to help me get over *thinking* I was in love with someone else, I wouldn't do that because you are correct it is beyond what I think anyone could do. I guess that's what I was trying to say when I said it's a strange place and I didn't do a good job. I think the WS has to make the decision of who they love and where they want to be regardless of the position or actions of the LS. I think the WS must then step up and be prepared to accept the consequences of their actions, make full atonement to the LS and do whatever they need to try to get the LS peace. Up until the moment that the LS is convinced that the WS truly wants to reconcile the marriage, has taken full ownership of their actions, and has done everything necessary to prove where their heart and intentions lay there is no room for the LS to help the WS. Even after the WS does the heavy lifting, there may be no love, energy or trust left in the LS to do anything for the WS. There are so many variations of infidelity here that there are many I understand how they reconcile and others that I don't see how any reconciliation is possible. It's not my place to judge, it is solely up to the two people in that marriage. However, the moment that both the WS and the LS become full recommitted to the marriage there is a real opportunity for them to become closer by working through it together, communicating, building intimacy and understanding one another. 

I didn't ask my wife to do anything for me after D Day other than to let me be the one to tell her mother in her presence, I wasn't in a position to ask for anything. What she did do for me was to help me get over an addiction, forgive me, and help me process my guilt. I would not have resumed the affair under any circumstance, but I may well have faltered with maintaining no contact more than I did had she not been there for me. Let me also add, that even in what she did for me I was not sitting at the table telling my wife that I was pining for the OW or that I loved the OW or anything like that - she is a saint but she would have understandably broken a wine bottle over my head had I done that. What she did do was understand that I was in pain to, even if she didn't want to fully know exactly what that pain was. 

I only spend so much time typing this because I really do believe that if both spouses are fully recommitted to the marriage and the damage is recoverable that there is an opportunity to grow together and make the marriage better than it was before. If the OP finds herself and her H with that opportunity I would hate for them to miss it just in the name of being a hard [email protected]@ to a cheater.

Now to your comments about my wife and our marriage. First, as soon as D Day dawned I did have her back - I did everything to help her as was my obligation to. I did the heavy lifting, owned what I did and paid (still paying) the prices. I didn't ask for or expect any sympathy from anyone and never will. I don't deserve a merit badge or "atta boy" for that - I owed it to her. Again, you are correct, my wife may one day have an affair but I wouldn't bet that way, but I wouldn't have bet that I would have either. She and I will just have to wait and see what life brings us. We are now just over a year post D Day so using your 12 - 24 months, we've got 12 left and it is possible that she's just planning an exit, but I'll bet everything I have that you're wrong. I'll bet everything I have that there is enough love for her to forgive me, to have genuinely helped me and cared enough about me to want to help me not be in pain - as much as she could while dealing with her own pain. As for "fear and coercion" well, she's actually on this site and post some. If I told you her screen name I think you'd believe differently. I'll see you in a year and let you know!!

I owe my wife a debt I will never be able to repay for the way she handled things post D Day and the way she treated me.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Drugs are fun. Withdrawl sucks.


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## Catherine602

Sigma thanks so much for taking the time to explain. That is the beauty of these forums, you have the opportunity to see life through another persons eyes. I am not the quality of woman as your wife, my love is more guarded and wrapped up in avoiding pain so I would never have been able to extend myself to a man who has hurt me so badly.

The fact that your wife was able to do that pits her in a special category of people with a great capacity for love. I know people like that, they are survivors people who prevail when everything seems to be against them. Why on earth would you cheat on a woman of that rare quality? Was this OW somehow her equail. I ask because no matter how hard I try, I cannot forgive my father I am searching for a way and I just can't find it. I wish I could. 

Back to the OP - he is obviously a loving man but I think he is not asking enough of his wife. She may be in pain but she appears to be thinking of herself only while he is left twisting in the wind. Before you are able to help your wife, she has to be fully committed to R that means while she is communing with OM, you can not offer her help. When she is ready to turn to you and realizes that you are the one that needs comfort then you can help each other heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

I'm not the quality of person my wife is either - obviously. On top of her character and capacity to love she's beautiful to boot!! The OW is in no way my wife's equal. Why? That's always the million dollar question isn't it? I got caught by surprise by someone who pushed all the right buttons to hit me where I was weak - I got weak - I got stupid. We actually used my EA to realize that we had stopped really working at "us" - we've been together 21 years/married 13 and have two kids - life crept in. We used our reconciliation to reconnect, to work on us again, and to rebuild our intimacy. We are so very much better now than we ever have been. My wife will even go so far as to say - very guardedly, "that it was worth it" for what we have now. That's what I don't want the OP and her H to miss if they have the chance, which I understand is rare. 

And again back to the OP - I completely agree with your last post. 

Thread jack over


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## disbelief

Entropy3000 said:


> I agree with what has been said, but after there is truly NC she will go through withdrawal. It is best at that time to see a doctor and get some anti-depressants. This helps her to focus on reality. You want that. An affair is fantasy time.
> 
> Being too quick to forgive is dangerous. She is still in the affair and you are already forgving her. I understand but wish you luck with this.


I truly understand wanting to save the marriage and I have yet to divorce or reconcile but my take on antidepressants for the WW/DS is that the infidel needs to suffer through the withdrawal and depression in order to go through all the stages of grieving and get to the other side. Now I learned this from someone smarter than me. Their point was that if you give the quick fix in this situation ie antidepressants then the person will not grow from the pain, why should they if they can medicate it away. 
If she is feeling shame, guilt, depression and maybe even fear then that is the natural way for the human to cope with this. Now if it goes on to long then you need antidepressants.

Lots of great advice here on your thread, stay strong. 

If you find evidence of anything do not tell her about it.


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## Entropy3000

disbelief said:


> I truly understand wanting to save the marriage and I have yet to divorce or reconcile but my take on antidepressants for the WW/DS is that the infidel needs to suffer through the withdrawal and depression in order to go through all the stages of grieving and get to the other side. Now I learned this from someone smarter than me. Their point was that if you give the quick fix in this situation ie antidepressants then the person will not grow from the pain, why should they if they can medicate it away.
> If she is feeling shame, guilt, depression and maybe even fear then that is the natural way for the human to cope with this. Now if it goes on to long then you need antidepressants.
> 
> Lots of great advice here on your thread, stay strong.
> 
> If you find evidence of anything do not tell her about it.


I went through six weeks of withdrawal even with the medicine. I went through all of what you say. There was no quick fix. I did have to support my family. I was in a new job as well.

But the key is to end the affair and then go through withdrawal.


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## Entropy3000

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Drugs are fun. Withdrawl sucks.


Withdrawal sucks no matter what. The drugs are so you can start focusing back on the relatioship and still function in the work place.


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## Broken11

Wow…I went to work and came back with two pages of replies. I will try to catch up and answer some of the responses. Yes, I am suffering from the “nice guy” syndrome and often feel I have enabled it this far. It wasn’t until I found out that she was still talking to him that I recently changed my outlook on things. I told her that if she can’t separate from him I would separate from her. I never thought I could get to that point, but I am getting tired. I don’t sleep…in three months I have lost 30 pounds…I have no desire to go to work…and all I think about is her. After three months of knowing something is going on I am so tired of the whole situation and feel I have reached my limit. I believe she knows now if she is to contact him again I am leaving. It sucks to say that, but I think that is the only thing that will get her to realize what she is doing to us and our family.

By the way, he is married and his wife does know. When I found out Friday that they were still talking I sent him an email to stay away from my wife and move on with his. With that and her blocking his emails hopefully the contact will stop.

Thanks for all of the great feedback. In situations like this it is nice to know there are individuals out there going or have gone through the same issues. As for us we have kept this somewhat quiet with only a handful of people who know the whole story so it is nice to vent.


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## the guy

So you talked to OMW and confirmed that she knows?

As far as her depression, she'll get over her boyfriend if she stop contacting him, so give it time.

The new out look you have is healthy so keep it up, it shows that you are confident and aren't affraid to move on, making your wife realize the real possible of you leaving and making her think twice.


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## jnj express

You must stop being mr. nice--guy

I don't know how deeply she was into the other guy, but those things don't just end cold turkey, as far as her mental state goes

The 1st time it happened, you should have been very harsh---that is a mistake to many betrayd's make---so the A. goes on, and more D-Days, and sebacks, and TT's---it all keeps him and his image before her

She is more than likely depressed about 2 things---she is still into her lover, and------- she knows if you dump her---she will become a single, divorced, mother/wife---with a label of cheater----she will have to work one to two jobs to make ends meet---if there are kids, they have to be taken care of---so at the end of the day---she is to pooped to do anything---then add in, the fact that there is probably not much out there in the way of good solid guys, she has to go thru the whole dating process, all over again----its like an abused spouse, they keep going back, cuz they can't picture themselves dealing with life on thier own

What is the real reason she is depreessed---cuz she still is into her lover----or---cuz she doesn't want to face life as a single, and is now stuck in this mge

You need to find out if she really even loves you---and I mean---really, seriously loves you enuff to do the work, to stay

If not---give me one, just one good reason to stay in this mge----you say you love your wife---the woman you loved passed away, at the start of her A., this is not the woman you are in love with----and kids, are not a reason to live a lifetime of misery-----once again---just one good solid realistic reason for you to stay!!!!!!!!


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## michzz

Ok, let me get this out of the way for your wife:

Boo-hoo!

There, I've cried over her "pain."

That done, I don't believe for one minute that she had not had sex with that guy multiple times.

I'm not convinced that someone would act as incredibly outrageously as she has, the lies, the so-called "depression", etc., unless they have gone all in on their affair.

No contact already violated? 

An indication of her lack of respect for you and open hostility.

Treat her accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken11

the guy said:


> So you talked to OMW and confirmed that she knows?
> 
> As far as her depression, she'll get over her boyfriend if she stop contacting him, so give it time.
> 
> The new out look you have is healthy so keep it up, it shows that you are confident and aren't affraid to move on, making your wife realize the real possible of you leaving and making her think twice.


Yes, his wife actually called me out of the blue. We had a nice long talk about what we expect from our WS. Unfortunately, she is not as forgiving and pursuing legal separation. 

Also since the question came up...yes they slept together multiple times and she says she is still in love with him and has a strong emotional connection. She says that is why the no contact is so hard, but realizes that has to happen for us to have a chance. Again, it has been only a short time since no contact, but she seems to want to make it work.


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## Almostrecovered

then you really must be vigilant here as the very real possibility of her going underground with the affair (using techniques that she knows you arent spying on) is there

I would switch up ways you use to monitor her activities- VAR's, dropping by at home unexpectedly, gps in her car etc.


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## Broken11

I would rather her be open as to me trying to control the situation. I asked her to let me know if he contacts her or she feels she has to contact him. I think she knows that I have reached my limit and tired of the deception. 



Almostrecovered said:


> then you really must be vigilant here as the very real possibility of her going underground with the affair (using techniques that she knows you arent spying on) is there
> 
> I would switch up ways you use to monitor her activities- VAR's, dropping by at home unexpectedly, gps in her car etc.


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## Almostrecovered

do as you wish, but Ive seen people burned before

is she at least being transparent in all of her activities? (allowing you access to phone, email, etc)


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## jnj express

You have seen what happens when you trust your wife

Tell her you can't control her, and will not try, but you will be gone, if she so much as looks at another man cross-eyed

As to the depression, enuff is enuff----along with being contrite, and heavy remorse, she needs to do all the heavy lifting, to GET BACK into the family----

But you do need to moniter her activities, once in a while, also make her sign a POST--NUP agreement, with a duress clause, if you do decide to stay


----------



## Shaggy

The actions recommended here for you to monitor aren't about control, they are about getting the truth so that you know what you are really dealing with when making decisions.

Knowledge is power.

Your wife has shown that she will consciously choose to lie. You need a backup way to know what is going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief

Broken11 said:


> Wow…I went to work and came back with two pages of replies. I will try to catch up and answer some of the responses. Yes, I am suffering from the “nice guy” syndrome and often feel I have enabled it this far. It wasn’t until I found out that she was still talking to him that I recently changed my outlook on things. I told her that if she can’t separate from him I would separate from her. I never thought I could get to that point, but I am getting tired. I don’t sleep…in three months I have lost 30 pounds…I have no desire to go to work…and all I think about is her. After three months of knowing something is going on I am so tired of the whole situation and feel I have reached my limit. I believe she knows now if she is to contact him again I am leaving. It sucks to say that, but I think that is the only thing that will get her to realize what she is doing to us and our family.


This tells me it is time for YOU to seek an individual councillor focus on you. There are IC's out there who specialize in infidelity. Find a group a mens group church or otherwise. There are ones on meetup.
When I went to my IC in the time frame you are in he shortly thereafter recommended antidepressants for me I initially refused saying I can man up through this but then this rock was turning to sand in front of my kids and so I agreed. For my kids so I would be stable. 

The quicker you can focus on yourself and the kids act as if you don't care about her EA, confront nothing you find just file it away, keep copies and records the sooner it will affect her OM Will not be able to meet all her needs.
Reveal nothing you find about her communication with OM she will simply change how she does it nowadays with all the apps if 2 peopls want to communicate they will.
Read No More Mr Nice Guy Sooner Than later as well as hold onto your.N.U.T.S.
Remember you will get through this and eventually over it, life will go on. Stand yor ground do not leave your house if anyone leaves it is her.
Seperate finances. TODAY, Now.
IMHO: pay mortgage from your new seperate account.

Emotional Affairs are fueled by drama, so the less you react the less drama. I read many months ago on another forum postings by DS stating they would have been more likely to talk with LS if they did not have to fear retalliation, I actually heard this from my WW at one point.

Prepare for a long road and implement the 24 hour rule also. If something is discovered think on it for 24 its a good rule of life.
Use a notebook as well to vent
Get a small lock box/ fire safe to store things keep in your vehicle or at work.

Hang in there and don't forget to Breathe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Entropy3000 said:


> Withdrawal sucks no matter what. The drugs are so you can start focusing back on the relatioship and still function in the work place.


:scratchhead:

I ended my A without any "drug" to help me through it. If someone wants to end an A, then will, regardless of whether they are taking medication or not. Depression is serious business but if his wife is telling him she can't end the A or contact with the OM cause she is "depressed" then that is just an excuse, IMO. A poor one. 



michzz said:


> Ok, let me get this out of the way got your wife:
> 
> Boo-hoo!
> 
> There, I've cried over her "pain."


:iagree:



Broken11 said:


> I would rather her be open as to me trying to control the situation. * I asked her to let me know if he contacts her or she feels she has to contact him*. I think she knows that I have reached my limit and tired of the deception.


MASSIVE mistake. This further enables her. There is NO negotiation about "no contact." It's either "you will not contact him if you want to stay married to me" or bust. There is no grey area. 

Let me break it down for you: the act of cheating is a betrayal. A betrayal is rooted in deception. If she knows she can still carry on with him and not have any consequences (thus betraying/cheating/deceiving you) because you are telling her "sure let me know if he contacts you/if you feel you have to contact him" then WHAT has changed??? Nothing, that's what! 

You said "she knows I've reached my limit" but that is not true. There are *zero consequences *here, and no boundaries.


----------



## Jellybeans

sigma1299 said:


> As for "fear and coercion" well, she's actually on this site and post some. If I told you her screen name I think you'd believe differently.


I love it when a couple is on this site together cause I always wonder if I have advised both of them and how the individual advice gels together for them as a couple. Like if I tell one "leave him/her" and the other one "stay!" Hehe. There are a few couples on here and some that don't say who the partner is. It's neat!


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## 2xloser

Broken11 said:


> I would rather her be open as to me trying to control the situation. I asked her to let me know if he contacts her or she feels she has to contact him. I think she knows that I have reached my limit and tired of the deception.


Uh uh, no sir, sorry... 
You _asked_ her to let you know if he contacts her again? Seriously? Why would you in the current state entrust her to tell you anything that might put things into total flux? Why would you believe she will be 'open', now, while she proclaims her 'love' for the OM...the one she lied to you about, and continued to trickle-truth details about...?

Why has SHE not delivered a NC, with your approval? Why has it been your doing...? She may fully understand that you are at your limit, but imho you controlling the situation to your satisfaction is exactly what is called for at this stage - because she has proven incapable of doing so correctly.


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## Broken11

Jellybeans said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> I ended my A without any "drug" to help me through it. If someone wants to end an A, then will, regardless of whether they are taking medication or not. Depression is serious business but if his wife is telling him she can't end the A or contact with the OM cause she is "depressed" then that is just an excuse, IMO. A poor one.
> 
> 
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> MASSIVE mistake. This further enables her. There is NO negotiation about "no contact." It's either "you will not contac thi if you want to stay married to me" or bust. There is no grey area.
> 
> Let me break ti down for you: the act of cheating is a betrayal. A betrayal is rooted in deceiving. If she knows she can still carry on with him and not have any consequences (thus betraying/cheating/deceiving you) because you are telling her "sure let me know if he contacts you/if you feel you have to contact him" then WHAT has changed??? Nothing, that's what!
> 
> You said "she knows I've reached my limit" but that is not true. There are zero consequences here, no boundaries.


I understand...but I am torn because I still love her and at the same time to not want to push her towards him. Like another post said...keep the drama to a minimum. By the way has anyone heard of an emotional affair surviving? Im curious where she thinks this could go. She tells me she wants to be with me and work on us, but how can she if she still feels so depressed about letting go. 

I believe this depression is real.and not an act because I believe I am suffering from it as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

Jellybeans said:


> I love it when a couple is on this site together cause I always wonder if I have advised both of them and how the individual advice gels together for them as a couple. Like if I tell one "leave him/her" and the other one "stay!" Hehe. There are a few couples on here and some that don't say who the partner is. It's neat!


The odd thing is that I'm the wayward and I came here for help sorting things out long before she did, she only came here after I encouraged her to. She post a little but mainly she read through all of my post to try to gain a better understanding of where I was and where I am today emotionally and mentally. She says it's really helped her reading through what I write, but she also says that I should be glad she didn't follow some of my advice to others to the letter and that she didn't know about this site right after D Day.


----------



## sigma1299

Broken11 said:


> I understand...but I am torn because I still love her and at the same time to not want to push her towards him. Like another post said...keep the drama to a minimum. By the way has anyone heard of an emotional affair surviving? Im curious where she thinks this could go. She tells me she wants to be with me and work on us, but how can she if she still feels so depressed about letting go.
> 
> I believe this depression is real.and not an act because I believe I am suffering from it as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It likely is real but that doesn't matter until she completely commits to you and your marriage. The only way out of an affair is to walk out the front door, there is no magic rabbit hole to transport you out of an affair without pain and consequences. I tried to find it. You cannot help your wife with her pain until she commits to you fully. Until she does the best thing you can do for her is whatever it takes to make her pick, or if she doesn't pick to understand that you will not be plan B and you'll pick for her.


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## Broken11

sigma1299 said:


> It likely is real but that doesn't matter until she completely commits to you and your marriage. The only way out of an affair is to walk out the front door, there is no magic rabbit hole to transport you out of an affair without pain and consequences. I tried to find it. You cannot help your wife with her pain until she commits to you fully. Until she does the best thing you can do for her is whatever it takes to make her pick, or if she doesn't pick to understand that you will not be plan B and you'll pick for her.


Sometimes you feel the right thing to do is to remain compassionate for her and what she is going through. Unfortunately, I believe that does enable her to continue if she knows I will always be here for her. Plan b has actually come up in our conversations but it was me alluding to the fact that she is his plan b.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

Go back to the drug analogy. No one can make another quit drugs, the addict has to want to do it deep down inside of themselves - they have to own it and commit to it regardless of how much it hurts. Once the addict does that then the people that love him/her can help, but anything they do before the addict is committed is counter productive. This is almost exactly the same thing. You can love her, you can be worried about her, but you cannot get her out of her affair and pain for her - she has to own it - and anything you do to lessen her pain or mitigate the decision she has to make is counter productive at this point.


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## Broken11

I do believe she is getting the best of both worlds...I am just left attempting to love someone who is still in love with someone else. 

It's tough to say the least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken11

sigma1299 said:


> Go back to the drug analogy. No one can make another quit drugs, the addict has to want to do it deep down inside of themselves - they have to own it and commit to it regardless of how much it hurts. Once the addict does that then the people that love him/her can help, but anything they do before the addict is committed is counter productive. This is almost exactly the same thing. You can lPpove her, you can be worried about her, but you cannot get her out of her affair and pain for her - she has to own it - and anything you do to lessen her pain or mitigate the decision she has to make is counter productive at this point.


I do feel me being around her all of the time is not helping, but I don't want to ignore her either. How do you give that space to allow her to fix herself and not alienate her? Im confused. If anything this affair has taught me a lot about myself and what I feel. I was always the quiet-silent type now I feel so liberated opening and letting her know how I feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Broken11 said:


> I understand...*but*


Oh boy...
here we go...



Broken11 said:


> I am torn because I still love her and at the same time to not want to push her towards him. Like another post said...keep the drama to a minimum.


The irony of your statement is that you are not only PUSHING her towards him--you are *completely allowing *it. Enabling it. Saying it's fine for her to contact him/him to her as long as she tells you about it. You're helping their affair stay open. 



Broken11 said:


> By the way has anyone heard of an emotional affair surviving?


Absolutely. The ones that stay in contact survive. No contact = no more affair. Contact = active affair. 

There are no boundaries for her affair, dear. Wise up.



Broken11 said:


> I believe this depression is real.and not an act because I believe I am suffering from it as well.


Her depression may be very real. nobody is saying it isn't. And I have no doubt you are depressed due to this massive betrayal. BUT (oh greatk now I'm using "BUT") ... the thing is... as long as she's using her excuse for continuing the affair due to her DEPRESSION, she is EXCUSING and RATIIONALIZING AWAY HER AFFAIR!!!!

GET IT????

I myself have suffered from deep depression befor eand it is NOT fun. As mentioned, I had an affair of my own. I'm not proud of that and its the biggest regret in my life to date. With that said, being depressed was never an excuse to continue the affair. The only reason someone continues an affair is because they want to and/or because there have been no consequences for their actions.

Right now you FEAR losing her. That will be your downfall. 

Stop fearing, start living and respecting yourself enough to know you DESERVE better than to be someone's fallback guy/doormat/Plan B/forever waiting for them as a side piece. 



sigma1299 said:


> The odd thing is that I'm the wayward and I came here for help sorting things out long before she did, she only came here after I encouraged her to. She post a little but mainly she read through all of my post to try to gain a better understanding of where I was and where I am today emotionally and mentally. She says it's really helped her reading through what I write, but she also says that I should be glad she didn't follow some of my advice to others to the letter and that she didn't know about this site right after D Day.


Cool beans!


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## Broken11

Im trying here...never been in this situation. So yes, I don't want to lose her and feel I need to does whatever its takes to make it work. I think that is normal here..or am I way off? Im just not use to the whole tough love approach with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

Drug addict - a person has to hit bottom before they can bounce!! She may splat or she may bounce but things can't stay where they are - can they?


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## Jellybeans

Tough love is the only thing that works with an affair.



Broken11 said:


> So yes, I don't want to lose her and feel I need to does whatever its takes to make it work.


SHE needs to do everything she can to make it work too. She fcked up and needs to be accountable and earn her way back to you!!! To rebuild trust and restore the marriage which first and foremost begins with ending any/all contact with the OM. If she won't do that, you have NO marriage.


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## aug

Broken11 said:


> Im trying here...never been in this situation. So yes, I don't want to lose her and feel I need to does whatever its takes to make it work. I think that is normal here..or am I way off? Im just not use to the whole tough love approach with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Maybe you should ask yourself this question: do you want to share your wife with other men? 

If not, then why are you doing things that allow it?


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## jnj express

Not only did she have an EA, but it went PA, several times----and you keep telling her by your actions, and words,---its OK---you can sleep with the other guy---I won't be to tuff on you

She has no respect for you----actually what kind of respect do you have for yourself-----what don't you get about---your wife has thrown you over for ANOTHER MAN----and she is depressed cuz she still loves him, and doesn't wanna give him up to save her mge.

You need to take a good hard look at this woman, you love, and don't wanna hurt, or cause her any pain

Just out of curiosity, arn't you maybe going thru just a little pain---or doesn't that count for anything.


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## Jellybeans

Broken11 said:


> I do believe she is getting the best of both worlds...I am just left attempting to love someone who is still in love with someone else.


Do you want to be with someone who's in love with someone else?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

I'll just make this simple because you have enough people desparate to help that are 'screaming' great advice to you here...

You are f*cking up dude.

Listen to them.

Understand this...

You can not trust your mind. You are comprimized. Your emotions are triggering basic primal instincts to 'save' at all costs. Your trying to reason and think your way into a solution to 'save'... Problem is, all of your logical reasoning and instincts are comprimized. Your brain is being drunk driven by your emotions and compelled to act by a desparation to prevent 'uncoupling'.

Long and short of it...

Listen to these people. You can't drive. Your swerving all over the road and your about to wrap any chance your marriage has around a tree. lol.

ps. Yes, your wife is 'clinically' depressed. She has a massive chemical imbalance in her brain right now. It's withdrawl. She has been getting huge doses of Domamine mainlined into the pleasure centers of her brain... Those receptors want more and you are cutting them off. Yes, depression is a side effect of this withdrawl.


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## Jellybeans

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I'll just make this simple because you have enough people desparate to help that are 'screaming' great advice to you here...
> 
> You are f*cking up dude.
> 
> .


:rofl: Always articulate and straight and to the point! I like it, Pit!




Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You can not trust your mind. You are comprimized.
> 
> Your brain is being drunk driven by your emotions and compelled to act by a desparation to prevent 'uncoupling'.
> 
> Long and short of it...
> 
> Listen to these people. You can't drive. Your swerving all over the road and your about to wrap any chance your marriage has around a tree. lol.


GREAT analogy!

Hopefully the OP will "get it" before this turns into a car wreck.

...and we all sit idly by watching because we can see ifrom the treetops above the highway that an accident is looming ahead...we warn the OPs like reporters giving the news from a helicopter and tell them to go another route/way to avoid traffic... but they keep driving into it.


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## Broken11

I get it....for such a short relationship I almost enabled it to double just because im a nice guy. To me that is what hurts the most. The fact that in my feeble way to help I was encouraging the one didn't want. I told her today that she needs to make a decision. Work on us = no contact or contact = no us. She says she made her decision Friday when she blocked his emails, but I guess only time will tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## disbelief

Everyone is right. However you are the one who is there. if you are not sure what to do at this very moment then do not do anything. 
Do not console her do not comfort her. Do not yell at her or create a hostile environment for that will make the OM look more appealing.

this sounds impossible but detatch. Educate yourself and then decide your course of action, (can't say wethe or not I did)

You are in your own fog. Your judgement is impaired. If something happens and you want to get in her face think, be counterintuitive ie do the opposite of what you really want to do.
You will have your own fog for months as well.


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## miserablymarried

Broken11: What your wife is going through is very real and very much like the grief of losing someone to death. I know bc I'm going through this myself. My affair began when I found my "first love" on fb. It began innocently enough, but I knew in my heart what I was doing. It had been 18 yrs, 2 marriages and 2 children, but not a day had gone by when I had not thought about this man. He pushed to see me again (we hadn't since we were 16 yrs old, we were now 34) It took him 7 months to talk me into it. When we did see each other for the first time in all those years, it was as though not a single day had gone by. We just "clicked". My marriage was already falling apart at this time (of course). And it wasn't long before the emotional affair became physical. He quickly wanted more. Wanted me to leave my husband, my very comfortable life, for a tiny apartment in the city. Although I love this man with all of my heart, I knew I could not hurt my children by uprooting them (my oldest still suffering from my first divorce, which was the result of another infidelity on my part) After 4 mo, my husband found out. I managed to keep the affair going off and on for 7 mo afterwards. I tried to end it so many times, and so had he. But we truly were "drawn" to each other. Neither of us being able to go longer than 3 days without contact. From start to finish, the affair lasted 11 mo. During that last month he began to pull away from me. I suspected he'd found someone else, but he denied this, of course. He had never been married. Never had children. He just ended it, without a thought for what he had done and the damage he had caused me and my family. I gave up everything for him, turned around, and he was gone. I've been devastated. Although it's been 2 months since we've seen each other, I still find myself drinking too much, too often and will send him nasty emails demanding he remember how he's ruined my life and my kid's lives. The last email resulted in him contacting my husband thru text and telling him to "control your wife". You can imagine the devastation I felt when the only person I could trust for over a year, turned their back on me. I felt more alone than I'd ever felt in my life. Even though I still and will always love him, this act helped me to begin to hate him. Everyday I fight the urge to contact him, but I do know for certain now that it is over between us. I'm left wondering if he ever cared at all for me. I'm left with too many unanswered questions. It hurts to just be left alone to clean up his mess. 
Your wife WILL get through this. But it will be very hard. She will NEED YOU more than ever, now. My husband has stood by me throughout this, held me as I've sobbed over my lost lover, and listened as I've explained that I will never love anyone the way I love him. I do not know why my husband hasn't left me. I think I would've left him. But he tries his best not to make the same mistakes as he did before the affair began (ignoring me) and so far, it's helped a lot. It's helped me realize that I do still love him. It may not be with the same type of love that I feel for my first love, but it's a love that may help our marriage to survive. At least I hope that it will. I wish you and your wife the best of luck. I can't imagine what YOU are going through, but I can understand her pain. Please know what she's suffering has nothing to do with you. She may have truly loved this man. She will need time to heal. Time to accept it's over. 
She will NEED YOU. Good Luck.


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## Gabriel

Broken - let me tell you, given how deep she has fallen, it is going to take massive amounts of toughness from you to get any real results. The quicker you do that, the quicker this will end, one way or another. If you keep enabling, waffling, coddling her, you will be in limbo forever. A doormat. A cuckhold.

This is what I did. My W had a deep EA. It was not as bad as yours in that it did not go physical. HOWEVER, it was worse than yours in that she had known the OM for 20 years, and already had a deep friendship with him. Not a short relationship. 

After she slipped up and broke the NC over one weekend and I caught it, I told her, flat out, that if she did that again, it will mean that she has chosen him over our marriage and I will file for divorce. That she will be the one who decided to break up our family for someone that never had kids, and that I had a zero tolerance policy. Play with him again via text/email/whatever, and it was over.

And that has worked now for 4 months straight, and we are doing pretty well.

When I was going through all of this same mess, folks like Jelly and Amplexor and Lord Mayhem said all these same things, and were totally right. Tough love decision making like this is the only thing that works. Do it, or continue suffering.


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## miserablymarried

Gabriel: I disagree. When my husband pulled that "tough love" stunt with me, it only pushed me further away. This was after the hidden GPS and voice recording devices I found hidden in my car. Along with the keylogger he'd installed on my computer....all of it pushed me further away from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

I'm not a VAR/keylogger type. I never did that. That's passive.

I'm talking about directly saying to your wayward spouse, it's me or him. Do this again, and I'm gone. Stay away from him, and we can work on it.

If you don't like that, then I guess you chose "gone". And that's fine. Your other choice was to never communicate with the OM again and save your marriage. 

I'm not talking about fire and brimstone - just firmly laying it on the line. Do you still disagree with that?


----------



## lordmayhem

miserablymarried said:


> Gabriel: I disagree. When my husband pulled that "tough love" stunt with me, it only pushed me further away. This was after the hidden GPS and voice recording devices I found hidden in my car. Along with the keylogger he'd installed on my computer....all of it pushed me further away from him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This was because you are a serial cheater and you already emotionally detached from your husband. from your other thread:



miserablymarried said:


> Everything my current husband and I felt for each other during the affair was GONE the moment he moved in with me. Although he is a wonderful man and amazing father, I don't believe I love him the way he loves me or deserves to be loved.


So it never really pushed you away. You were gone already.


----------



## Gabriel

Oh, and MiserablyMarried, reading your other posts, I'm sure you would have found whatever reason you needed to push your husband away from you, considering you are a serial cheater. And anyone with the name MiserablyMarried, probably shouldn't be.


----------



## Gabriel

lordmayhem said:


> This was because you are a serial cheater and you already emotionally detached from your husband. from your other thread:
> 
> 
> 
> So it never really pushed you away. You were gone already.


Right on Mayhem - I hit send on my last post seconds after you.


----------



## miserablymarried

Very good, Gabriel. I could not agree more, in regards to myself. However, during an affair the mind plays tricks on you. You ask yourself questions you already know the answers to yet find it impossible to admit to yourself. Should I stay? Should I go? It's black and white. Everyone can clearly see what you *should* do...except you. You simply cannot control who you fall in love with (or in my case, fall in love with *again) I chalk it up to one of those crappy life experiences I just will NEVER learn from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy

miserablymarried said:


> Very good, Gabriel. I could not agree more, in regards to myself. However, during an affair the mind plays tricks on you. You ask yourself questions you already know the answers to yet find it impossible to admit to yourself. Should I stay? Should I go? It's black and white. Everyone can clearly see what you *should* do...except you. You simply cannot control who you fall in love with (or in my case, fall in love with *again) I chalk it up to one of those crappy life experiences I just will NEVER learn from.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have just read your other posts to this site and all I can say is WOW. Your thought process is so selfish; I am just amazed by you. That fact that you actually got your husband to comfort you as you cried over the loss of your lover who dumped you (even though your lover was not married), it really is all about you in your mind. Even more amazing is that when you would not leave the OM alone after he dumped you, the OM actually sent a text to your husband telling him to "control your wife". Apparently both you and the other man do not have even a shred of respect for your husband. 

I recommend that everyone read her past posts. It will really educate you on the mind of a chain cheater and what make them tick.


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## lordmayhem

TRy said:


> I have just read your other posts to this site and all I can say is WOW. Your thought process is so selfish; I am just amazed by you. That fact that you actually got your husband to comfort you as you cried over the loss of your lover who dumped you (even though your lover was not married), it really is all about you in your mind. Even more amazing is that when you would not leave the OM alone after he dumped you, the OM actually sent a text to your husband telling him to "control your wife". Apparently both you and the other man do not have even a shred of respect for your husband.
> 
> I recommend that everyone read her past posts. It will really educate you on the mind of a chain cheater and what make them tick.


To top it all off, her current husband was her OM she was cheating with on her first husband. :scratchhead:


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## miserablymarried

To TRy:::: "Chain Cheater"? Perhaps....although I prefer "Narcissistic Sociopath".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy

miserablymarried said:


> To TRy:::: "Chain Cheater"? Perhaps....although I prefer "Narcissistic Sociopath".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LMAO!!:rofl:

OK you have a sense of humor, I will give you that.


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## Jellybeans

Another thread resurrected from the dead. This thread was from August.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> Another thread resurrected from the dead. This thread was from August.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TAM should be renamed TAZ (talk about zombies).


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## Shaggy

miserablymarried said:


> Very good, Gabriel. I could not agree more, in regards to myself. However, during an affair the mind plays tricks on you. You ask yourself questions you already know the answers to yet find it impossible to admit to yourself. Should I stay? Should I go? It's black and white. Everyone can clearly see what you *should* do...except you. You simply cannot control who you fall in love with (or in my case, fall in love with *again) I chalk it up to one of those crappy life experiences I just will NEVER learn from.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually this is not true. You can decide not to fall in love by ending it when it first begins. That first time you think of them specislly, or find yourself being anxious to see them again. When you find those feelings fior someone, not your SO. You end contact with that person. You pull back and change course.

When you don't do that you are in fact very much choosing who you fall in love with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel

Shaggy said:


> Actually this is not true. You can decide not to fall in love by ending it when it first begins. That first time you think of them specislly, or find yourself being anxious to see them again. When you find those feelings fior someone, not your SO. You end contact with that person. You pull back and change course.
> 
> When you don't do that you are in fact very much choosing who you fall in love with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the more accurate statement would be, "You can't help who you have feelings for." I think that is true, but it is also true that you have complete control over what you do with those feelings. When it is not your spouse, for God's sakes, you do what Shaggy says. Otherwise, it's just selfish.


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## Asclepius

Depression can cause many symptoms. While it is true that she needs to be accountable and stop contact... yada yada yada... People who are depressed eel more NUMB than sad. Try to make which is which, is it the depression causing the affair or the affair causing the depression. These numb people sometimes look for some sort of "excitement" as one may say so that they feel anything other than sad or lonely. 

I am NOT saying what she did was justified. But of course, Depression is a mental illness and she needs help. Professional help. I'm sure you don't want to be making decisions without taking all possibilities into consideration. Try reading up on Bipolar depression as well or better yet, ask her to seek professional help. Best of luck


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## Yeswecan

Thread is older than dirt.


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