# 16 Year Marriage with Chronic Infidelity



## InASilentWay (Dec 11, 2012)

I read the other posts, as well as the TAM CWI newbies page but didn’t find everything I was looking for. So I hope you all don’t mind me posting. I’ve been married for 16 years and the first time I caught my wife cheating was 6-months before we were married (when we were engaged.) There is no doubt that I have been an enabler. 

The most important piece of history is that my WS suffered habitual molestation from a young age. When she was 6, her mother left her father for a carnival worker (Nope. Not making this up.) and her father in turn took off, leaving 3 kids alone. She ultimately wound up with her grandfather who habitually molested his own daughters. My WS does not remember being molested by her grandfather but suspects that she was. When her mother returned, the carnival worker she ran off with became WS’s step dad. The Carnie molested my future wife (then 6-9) repeatedly over the next few years. 

Unknown to me at the time of our marriage, my spouse never had a boyfriend that she didn’t cheat on.

#1) Her first affair occurred at an office Christmas party. I attended the party with her, but could not find her for hours. Finally, while wondering the halls I saw her exit a room (the party was at a hotel) and she was with another man. I hid in a doorway and heard both my WS & her AP admit to just having sex. I let them walk away, and it was my intention to leave and never look back. If I had a time machine I would do just that. She ultimately saw me as I was walking to my car, and convinced me to come back to the hotel room. She was morbidly drunk, and denied everything. I told myself that I would talk to her about it when she sobered, but when I tried in the morning it only caused a fight. My WS is a brilliant liar and Rug Sweeper, and to my shame, I ultimately accepted her lies. I’m also obviously prone to the ‘Affair Fog’ and ‘Hysterical Bonding’. The most intense sex we’ve had is directly after or before her affairs. 

#2) This had all been swept neatly under the rug for 10 years when I noticed a change in her behavior that set off warning lights. I truly thought #1 was a onetime thing. (for what it’s worth, I felt stupid typing that last sentence.) I noticed that she had installed an instant messenger on her laptop, and she had been deleting messages from one person. So I installed spy software on our computer and discovered that a night out with the girls was really a night out with an AP. When I gathered enough information, I confronted her about it, and to my dismay she denied facts even when I had printed them out for display. This was a really creepy thing to behold. Her lying was so intense and focused, I don’t know if I would have been able to decipher the truth had I not done such a thorough job documenting the affair. The ‘Trickle of Truth’ is her greatest tactic and most cruel form of torture! (I highly recommend anyone who’s about to confront a WS, do so with all the facts and never let them know until they’ve divulged everything.) 

After No. 2, I contacted the AP and gave him an earful. I was shocked at what an ******* he was. So I informed his wife about the rest. Had he apologized to me, I probably would have never know he was married (Karma.) 

She was now incredibly remorseful and agreed to see a therapist. The therapy sessions lasted a few months. The Truth Trickling continued, and I should have known she was not truly remorseful. After a FalseR, and with a lot of Rug Sweeping and Hysterical Bonding, I was able go back into the fog and pretend that I had a perfect marriage. On the surface we certainly did. She’s the only person I have a strong connection with and we have always interacted like best friends… Which makes the betrayal all the more hard. She’s the only one I can go to.

#3) In 2010 she contracted genital warts. I asked her who gave it to her and she said the guy in #2. I didn’t believe her, but didn’t have evidence or sufficient courage to confront her brick wall Trickle of Truth.

So #2 was 6 years ago, and I’ve basically been in the fog ever since. She’s highly intelligent, and business executive in finance that travels about twice per month. Her computer passwords and work phone accounts are encrypted for their clients security and I really don’t want to commit any kind of crime catching my WS. Her work situation is subtle enough that I would need to hire a PI in all of her territories just to catch her. 

The funny thing is that I had stopped snooping 10 years ago. I guess I was just happier believing that my marriage was perfect, which my kids 9 & 12 still believe.. But after the Petraeus affair broke, it knocked me out of the fog. I was reading the NYTimes and the description of Paula Broadwell & Gen Petraeus methods of keeping their affair underground shook me. When I read that they hid their emails in the draft folder, I wondered “Is that how my wife cheats too?” My WS reminds me of the women involved in the Petraeus train wreck, and I started having Mind Movies and cold sweats. The humiliating 16 year experience finally blew my gasket. I was becoming extremely suicidal and depressed. I knew I couldn’t last, so one night last month I woke her in her sleep and confronted her. I was shaking and crying and said that her infidelity was driving me mad. She admitted several one night stands, and an affair that she had with a person in our town. She still claimed that the STD was from #2 or #3 even though I knew for a fact there were more, so I knew these were just Trickles of Truth and her lies were much greater. 

She seems truly remorseful, and I know she’s troubled and would change if she could. I just think this is who she is, and 1 or 2 years from now, when I’m not obsessing about her nature, she’ll find another way. She’s even agreed to quit her high profile job (she’s the main breadwinner) but what then? There are men in every facet of industry, and I’m not really jazzed about her going back to college with a bunch of horny 20-something’s. 

She has agreed to both couples counseling and one-on-one therapist for her. I know she loves me, and I still love her, but the trust has been so cruelly destroyed, I don’t know how it could ever be repaired. She’s said that she will mail the two she’s told me about in a similar fashion as this site suggests, but I still don’t know the whole list (which I must assume is very extensive.) I don’t believe that she’ll ever truly demonstrate remorse until she has the courage to own up to all of her betrayals. At this point, I’m in Limbo and have feelings of complete hopelessness. I always wanted my daughters to be raised with two parents, but I’m so tired of feeling like this. 

Am I just wasting my time? Any advice, or even words of encouragement would be helpful.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

InASilentWay said:


> Am I just wasting my time?


Yes.


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

ya bud... Find someone else... or hell, noone else... they are both better options than the woman you have called your "wife"... Your daughters will STILL be raised by 2 parents... And they might even have a father who isnt thinking about killing himself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

FryFish said:


> ya bud... Find someone else... or hell, noone else... they are both better options than the woman you have called your "wife"... Your daughters will STILL be raised by 2 parents... And they might even have a father who isnt thinking about killing himself.


And DNA the kids that's what Scott Broadwell should be doing also.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Let me be blunt. You need to take your balls out of her purse and become a man again. You are enabling her behavior. She won't respect you until you respect yourself.

Don't play the victim. Take charge and insist she come clean. You're going to need access to her emails, phone, etc. She is a habitual cheater. It's not going to stop without hard work.

You've (and her) have a lot of work to do if you want to R. But first things first; you must take charge and stop hiding from the truth.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

InASilentWay said:


> ....I’m so tired of feeling like this.


I'm very sorry for your pain. If your wife loved you truly, if she loved you the way she says she does, she wouldn't continue to hurt you. She wouldn't continue to cause you pain.

It sounds like she's worn you down and out & now you're exhausted from it.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would throw in the towel. This can't be the kind of love you think you deserve.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

InASilentWay said:


> I know she loves me.


She's got quite an interesting way of showing it then.

Sorry hoss...as one of the chief reconciliation dudes here, I'm telling ya she's tainted in a bad way. Grab your sack and get out now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to DNA you kids, sorry but you had they need to know who their real father is for sure.

You need to go read on doccool .com about women like your wife. Remorseless serial cheaters who will through meaningless sex at their husband to get him to think its all ok. Meanwhile they're still shagging the OM and bringing home sloppy seconds for hubby.

You shoud be getting the names and info for each OM and expose them to their wives and girlfriends.

No doubt your wife has also been busy at work, perhaps that's how she has advanced in her career? Just kne that there are likely more than one boss and coworker she has been sleeping with.

Demand she takes a polygraph to prove you've been told about all the affairs.

Then file for D, for primary custody, and for full child and spousal support. She will then be happy and free to keep up her numerous hookups. Wonder how many clients she has also slept with , or is currently sleeping with.

Sorry, but this can't be fixed. You've given her how many chances? If she actually had any love, respect, or interest in not being in a one sided open marriage she wouldn't have been cheating non stop for years. I think it has been non stop, and she's only admitted to what you have discovered.

Those trips every month? Do you think there are any of them she isn't using to hook up on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

InASilentWay said:


> I read the other posts, as well as the TAM CWI newbies page but didn’t find everything I was looking for.....


What are you looking for?

Yes, it does sound like you are wasting your time. Your wife if a broken person. Unless you decide to accept an open marriage this is doing to continue to eat at you until you are completely destoryed. 

Your children need a father who is emotionally well and can help them have a more 'normal' life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She might not really even be on business for some of those trips. Great excuse for vacations with lovers.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

She's broken beyond repair. It really is a sad story all around. But you don't have to live it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I would stop working, file for divorce and take 1/2 of everything and ask for alimony. But that's just me being vindictive, if I was in your shoes.

Then I would sit and relax while the checks roll in every month.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Yes you wasted your time. Did she give you the STD as well? Get another STD test immediately. The real question after your direct knowledge of the affair, why did YOU rugsweep it? You know what your wife is. But what is your problem? You need to seek IC and a current STD test.


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## r0br0y79 (Dec 11, 2012)

not only many times .. once cheating is enough to divorce the cheater. cheaters deserves no forgivenss, reconcilliation or anything good. just divorce her let her be miserable living with her life


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry about the STD...

Your "wife" cheated on you multiple times and didn't even stop when she got a cancer causing STD.

This cannot be fixed.

CAN NOT BE FIXED.


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## robotmonkeyparts (Jul 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You need to DNA you kids, sorry but you had they need to know who their real father is for sure.


Think really long and hard before you do that. Because regardless of who the sperm donor is, if you love them and want to raise them, then they are yours. 

I have a friend who took a paternity test when his son was 3, just because people kept telling him to. He wasn't my friends. The mother knew who the biological was, she brought him into the mix. It has been a nightmare ever since. He still loves this kid. Now the kid is in the middle of a triangle.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, DIVORCE. Nothing else to say. No analysis needed.


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## InASilentWay (Dec 11, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Let me be blunt. You need to take your balls out of her purse and become a man again. You are enabling her behavior. She won't respect you until you respect yourself.


No doubt. I certainly don't give a crap about her money though. I'm an engineer who can live comfortably on my income. My only point was that she's willing to give up a job she's taken 20 years to attain and start from scratch.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sadly a few sex abused victims become sex addicts. 
Quitting that job won't fix a thing. It's a compulsion which will scalate if not adressed properly.
And sure enough this is not more than the tip of the iceberg. A polygraph would prove it, unless her lying skills beat it!
She's a master gaslighter and a pathological lier, again adding up with the sex abuse.

I'm sorry man. She needs a complete make over. Someone told she's broken beyond repair, I'd like to think she's not. For her own sake she needs intensive, specialized therapy. Now, telling you to wait so you can test some results is something I can't advice you. The past itself seems horrible (and there's way more) but the uncertaincy about the future...


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## InASilentWay (Dec 11, 2012)

Well… I had a bunch happen last night, so I figured I’d give an update.

First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. You all basically said the same thing, which I already knew but needed to hear. 

When I came home from work, my WS was melancholy. She broke down and said that she can’t begin to repair the marriage without coming clean, but she couldn’t fess up because I had already stopped refusing to listen (I had earlier insisted that she say nothing of her affairs because she’s a chronic liar and if I heard another word that I thought was a lie, I’d kick her out & file for D. And since everything she says sounds like a lie, she’d be wise to stop.) 

With that said, I told her that she could tell me, but if I knew something was a lie or if I ever discovered she was lying or withholding information I’d file for D. So she proceeded to tell me about her second life during the past 16 years. She admitted to 8 PA’s during our marriage. 6 or which occurred before the STD, and 4 of which were 1 night stands, the other 4 lasted months in which she had intercourse about 4 times with each AP. 

The pre-STD numbers seem to corroborate what I had earlier been able to attain from another source. I have no idea of knowing if they’re true, but 6 of the 8 affairs are so old and so remote that it would be impossible to corroborate any of this. 

The length and duration of her A’s, that she admitted to, seem to fit her profile. My first post was getting quite wordy, so I didn’t cover everything but she was horribly molested by multiple father figures when she was a child. As an adult she pursues men that are similar in age nature to her stepfather. For example, 4 of the 8 men were Latino (as was her stepfather.) She gets off controlling them, and in an odd way tries to repeat the molestation but with herself in total command. Once she’s been able to get control of the AP, she gets bored, feels guilty, is scared of getting caught, etc, and breaks it off. I knew before we were married that she had been molested, but the weight of her problems were not apparent until I caught her and she went to counseling. She was the oldest of her two siblings and was basically the parent of her two younger siblings. She’d placate her step father’s physical abuse by allowing herself to be molested instead of beaten. Both her younger brother and sister have drug and career problems (i.e. welfare), ones a cutter too. My WS has neither, but is clearly the saddest of them all. She’s been able to paint a façade of a successful career oriented business woman with her stuff together, but in reality she’s into self-mutilation. 

I don’t know if any of you have had the unfortunate reality of knowing someone who’s addicted to hardcore drugs, but that’s the best analogy I can give. My WS will stay on the wagon for a year, then it’s so apparent when she falls off. I don’t need to catch her doing it, because I already know… If your coke addict brother-in-law starts hearing voices, you know he’s fallen off the wagon too. 

So with all this said I know one thing is clear. She can never be faithful. She’s been broken most of her life. Now I’m broken too. We start counseling after the holidays but it seems useless. I’m more interested in what my broken family will become. Clearly we cannot continue as husband and wife, but she’s still the mother of my children. I’m just so sad…


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## InASilentWay (Dec 11, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I'm sorry man. She needs a complete make over. Someone told she's broken beyond repair, I'd like to think she's not. For her own sake she needs intensive, specialized therapy.


Thank you. I feel just as broken as her now...


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## InASilentWay (Dec 11, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> Did she give you the STD as well? Get another STD test immediately.
> why did YOU rugsweep it? You know what your wife is. But what is your problem?


She told me about the STD just after being diagnosed. She also claims to have notified her previous AP's. I've been tested, but not for a while. GW's can be latent for years, so it's entirely possible that I have it but have not been inflamed yet. 

Your last question is the one I'm trying to come to terms with. I think it was easier than the alternative. When I found out the last time, I paid $500 for a LegalZoom D. Basically I handed it to her and said get out. I've got the kids, the mortgage, taxes, etc. I don't want alimony, just go. She freaked out and took off in her car all the while sending text messages that said "Don't tell the kids. I'm going to drive off a cliff and then they'll never know their mother is such a terrible person." Stuff like that. I have no idea if she was serious, but I gave in. I guess I thought door number two had to be better than number one, so with the help of one of her friends I was able to track her down. I have no idea if she would have really killed herself, but probably not. She was probably playing me like everyone else. Her friend found my WS in a WallMart parking lot at about 1:00 am and talked her into coming back.

Don't ask me to give you a logical answer. If I had of been logical from the start, I would have never married her... Right?


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Sorry to hear all of this. You're in my thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Sorry to hear all of this. You're in my thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry too this time ask for alimony if just for the principle and to show what you now think of her DNA the kids of course you will still be the father but they need to know for medical reasons if you are the bio dad or not. Forget counseling that would be a waste of time and money imo.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she had any interest in being your wife she would have sought help with a therapist instead of constant cheatng and now giving you an STD.

When she pulls the fake I'm going to off myself, just ignore her. She has no intention at all of doing it, all she s interested in is preserving her ability to cheat again and again,

So what if she quit her job, she'll just have more free time to cheat on you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Just. Wow.

I have no words, man. You've lived one life and she lived another. It's incomprehensible what she did. What will happen to your children? Well, that's up to the both of you. Split now and don't try to play it up for them by staying together. It will only make it worse.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

although i really feel badly concerning her abuse, this is what gets me.....



> She admitted to *8 PA’s during our marriage*.


.....enough said.


she sounds like SA(sex addict). i say you proceed with the divorce and get her into therapy/counseling. if you feel she's making enough progress, you can always call off the divorce.


personally, i'd kick her to the curb. abuse or no abuse, she consciously _and _deliberatly set out to destroy her family.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> she sounds like SA(sex addict). i say you proceed with the divorce and get her into therapy/counseling. if you feel she's making enough progress, you can always call off the divorce.


That's the thing. I know well the reenacting the abuse but with her being at chargue , the selfmutilation, the serial abuse... all of it. I know of several women like this, and they can heal. It's hard, require stay very focused and it takes time. She's a sex addict, acting out due the abuse but she can heal this if she seeks the right therapy and tools. I believe there are CSATs specialized in abused women. There are tons of sources out there if she's up to the task. I hope she gets it regardless.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your story is some what simular to mine. There are a few differences though, my fWW went on for 13 years and she's had 11 more OM then yours.

But for the most part the short term affairs, ONS, and even the control were all there.

Its funny, WW don't control sh1t the OM's still get laid so other then that they really don't give a damb.

I think your wife is at a turning point and has found that what she is doing is not making her problems go away. I also think that her attempt to change careers is her way of getting out of all the travel which leads to the easy access to her unhealthy behaviors.


I would have to say that when our kids were our kids ages my fWW was at about 10 OM's, so by going by my experience by the time your kids get out of high school you WW will be hitting my FWW mark of 20 OM.

I hope to God that she takes the steps right now that can stop her current tally of OM. In order to do this she has to learn the tools to cope with her problems. Maybe not to be a good spouse but to at least be a better mother.

I can leave you with one thought, and that is I no loger hit my wife and the tools that have taught me to stop my unhealthy behavior took 52 sessions of anger management. So once a wife beater, always a wife beater is not true.

It is also my experience that once a cheater always a cheater is not true. Poeple can change but they have to want it and there isnt a damb thing anyone else can do for them. Currently my wife's IC has dropped to once a month but I think it more about her issues with me rather then her issues with adultory. But back in the day she was all about learning and understanding her self. 

We are going on 3 years since I stop hitting my wife and she stopped sleeping around. we both have changed our life style for our selves not for each other...it just so happens we like the new poeple we both have become and still hang out. 

Again I hope your WW figures her self out and becomes a better, emotionaly healthier person...for her self and her kids.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

She is NOT, repeat, NOT a good mother. Good mother's don't do what she did.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

InASilentWay said:


> She told me about the STD just after being diagnosed. She also claims to have notified her previous AP's. I've been tested, but not for a while. GW's can be latent for years, so it's entirely possible that I have it but have not been inflamed yet.
> 
> Your last question is the one I'm trying to come to terms with. I think it was easier than the alternative. When I found out the last time, I paid $500 for a LegalZoom D. Basically I handed it to her and said get out. I've got the kids, the mortgage, taxes, etc. I don't want alimony, just go. She freaked out and took off in her car all the while sending text messages that said "Don't tell the kids. I'm going to drive off a cliff and then they'll never know their mother is such a terrible person." Stuff like that. I have no idea if she was serious, but I gave in. I guess I thought door number two had to be better than number one, so with the help of one of her friends I was able to track her down. I have no idea if she would have really killed herself, but probably not. She was probably playing me like everyone else. Her friend found my WS in a WallMart parking lot at about 1:00 am and talked her into coming back.
> 
> Don't ask me to give you a logical answer. If I had of been logical from the start, I would have never married her... Right?


You have to file D. People only change when they have to. Anything else would just continue the behavior. The chain needs to be broken. She needs to get to an IC.


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## InASilentWay (Dec 11, 2012)

jim123 said:


> You have to file D. People only change when they have to. Anything else would just continue the behavior. The chain needs to be broken. She needs to get to an IC.


Well said


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