# Should i walk away? Lack of intimacy



## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I have been with this guy for about 3 months now. He is religious and i am not. His religion makes him pretty apprehensive about having sex. I compromised seems i really like sex in a relationship and feel it is important, and we were only doing it once, maybe twice a month.

Lately, every time we have gotten in the mood he will go down on me and vice versa, but whenever it gets to the sex part he has been saying he doesn't want to and thinks we should wait. I have been having a really hard time with it and told him last night that it makes me feel like something huge is lacking in our relationship when we don't do it. I don't want to force him but i have already felt unsatisfied with us barely doing it as it is, and maybe we shouldn't be together if we are so incompatible in this aspect of the relationship.

He said he wants to be together and thought we were doing well, but if it is making me unhappy he understands and doesn't want me to feel unfulfilled. I am having such a hard time with it too because every other aspect of our relationship is amazing and i don't actually want to break up at all. I just don't know what to do.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I do not care what some of the experts tell you, sex is important, those that tell you otherwise are most likely asexual or in denial. If he is telling you to wait until marriage, that is fine if he wants too wait based on religious reasons, however if that is not you, then I would recommend moving on and here is why, let's say you wait and you get married, he sucks at sex and then he throws things he won't do due to other religious reasons, your stuck in bad sexual marriage...can you foresee a life time of this?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I suspect a low drive. If not, how was he when you did? If you liked it and want more, you should hang in there. How many people can say their man' score beliefs are stood by so staunchly that they pass up sex? This is the kind of guy that won't likely cheat or mistreat you. 
Find out if he just doesn't want it, or truly religious reasons.
Last of all, if it is really religious reasons--- you aren't a good mAtch, anyway. Break it off before you hurt each other worse.


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I would just like to say we have had sex already, just not often. We have been together 3 months and have had sex maybe 8-10 times. He says it is partly religion (not wanting to do it often), but also terrified of pregnancy out of marriage.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I don't think this means there's is necessarily anything "wrong" with him. Reverse the roles here, and it is very typical of male/female relationships of generations past.

It boils down to the same advice that was doled out back then. Do you really want him, or simply a physical relationship?

Let me add that the pregnancy fears show that he's capable of some pretty sound reasoning, too. I'd wager he probably also shows great respect and concern for you, maybe?


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I'm in love with him, so ideally i want it all. It just bothers me a lot because there is absolutely no sex at all lately. If i wanted just a physical relationship i would go find one. I want to be with him, but having no intimacy that way is a huge part of a relationship to me, so it is really hard to decide.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What do you love about him...if I may ask ? How old are you.. both young, never been married ? 

Does it bother him at all that you do not share his faith or beliefs? If he is "devout" whatever his faith...this could be of concern - if you go on to marry someday...have children, how to raise them. 

I grew up in the church where we were taught to wait till marriage.. when I met my husband.. we couldn't keep our hands off each other -we had a boundary to not go "all the way".. I knew he was not like most other men who didn't take sex seriously... he was willing to wait..

I never felt we lacked intimacy...we were both highly affectionate... we did wait till our wedding night for intercourse.. 

But true.. once you been there, tasted that.. there is no going back.. you crave it !

Was you his 1st ??


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I am 27 and he is 31. He has never been married, but i have been. I married young and our marriage didn't last (i am now divorced). I love how almost all of our life choices line up perfectly, and how despite the religious views and sexual intimacy, all of our values and beliefs are the same. He is kind, caring, sweet, he is extremely open minded and non judgmental. I guess he is intimate with me, just not full intercourse. 

I asked if he would want to bring his kids up as his religion if he was married to someone who wasn't, and he said he hadn't really thought about it but it can't bother him that much because me not being religious wasn't a deal breaker for him. We are very close. I know if we break up we will stay in touch. We really care about each other and it would never be a messy break up. We both said we don't not want to be in each others lives.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

31, never married, low sex drive. What could possibly go wrong? 

If he had a normal drive, but held off for his values then no way would he make it to 31. 



debs90 said:


> He said he wants to be together and thought we were doing well, but if it is making me unhappy he understands and doesn't want me to feel unfulfilled.



It also sounds like he basically told you take it or leave it. So he doesn't seem to care much about how you feel about it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Hi,

If you are already having intercourse, why does it matter, from a religious perspective, whether it's once a week or 4 times a week (for example). Has he explained that to you?

What form of birth control are you using?


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

We were having intercourse but now he said he doesn't want to anymore. I don't really know why he decided that. I asked if there was something wrong with me and he said it isn't me and he really desires me. He wouldn't give me a real answer as to why. We use condoms. I can't be on birth control for medical reasons


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He's not into sex or not into you. Doesn't really matter which. What you see is what you get. I suspect this is all part of his regular pattern.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

You two aren't a good match, if sex issues are already arising after only dating 3 months.

You're not married to him, you said the rest of your relationship is amazing, so what's wrong with what you have?

"Take it or leave it" is just him being honest with you. He does care how you feel, but he is also telling you that you might need more than he can give and he's giving you an out now. I would have loved if my ex would have done that for me, instead of 7 years later.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> 31, never married, low sex drive. What could possibly go wrong?



Religion 

What religion are we talking about?


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

i did said this but he said he doesn't want to break up and wants us to give it more time to see if the things i feel are lacking can be fulfilled.


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

He is Mormon


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well... I suggest you educate yourself with how such things go post marriage in the Mormon faith. And compare the official teachings with what you see of his family and friends if you can. If they're all like him you may want to reassess. 

In general, any way of thinking that depends on people giving up a lot of "pleasures" (coffee? Really?) requires serious consideration.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mormons are into having big families. They also wouldn't normally say "I haven't really thought about having kids and whether I'd raise them in my religion". Of course he would! Anyone that is religious would! I would! 
There are things that don't add up. He has sex with you, or at least did, so so etching is not right. 
He is not telling you everything. 
I also can't see a Mormon marrying someone who isn't a Mormon. Red flags


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I think he is conflicted. He has never dated a Mormon before.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

At 31, I'd hit that so much that OP wouldn't be able to walk. Who are these guys that don't want sex from their girls, especially so early in relationship? It's like Bizaro world.

If you are having these problems 3 months into the relationship, can you imagine after 5 years and having kids. There threads by woman that are sex starved by their husbands are incomprehensible to me. My mind can't understand it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He doesn't date Mormons because all the Mormon girls were married in their 3rd year at BYU.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> Mormons are into having big families. They also wouldn't normally say "I haven't really thought about having kids and whether I'd raise them in my religion". Of course he would! Anyone that is religious would! I would!
> There are things that don't add up. He has sex with you, or at least did, so so etching is not right.
> He is not telling you everything.
> I also can't see a Mormon marrying someone who isn't a Mormon. Red flags


In all my years, I've never seen a Mormon marry outside his religion. And I HAVE seen many Mormons let their church dictate what they do and don't do.

Has he introduced you to his family? My guess is no, and that you are his secret on the side, and he can't DARE get you pregnant for fear of his church chewing him out.


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I love him which is why it makes this so hard. No i haven't met them yet and i am concerned they will judge me. He has brought other girls to meet his family before though and they weren't Mormon. I am supposed to be meeting them soon.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't have a problem with the guy not wanting premarital sex because of religion. I have a problem with him being so religious he won't have sex, but is dating outside his religion and supposedly is fine with her being an atheist or whatever she is, and not knowing how he wants to raise his kids. This is illogical. Either he has a low drive and is a liar, or he's crazy. Either is a deal breaker to me.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

I know it's going to be difficult, but I would probably break up. One of 2 things will be a problem. Either religious beliefs in regards to dating/marriage outside of his religion or his apparent lack of intimacy or desire for you. Like others have said, if he had NOT slept with you because of religion, things might be different, but since he has already crossed that border, something else is amiss and he's hiding the true reason. 
He may also be having regrets about the intercourse

Regardless, I can't see things getting better. In general people are more lenient and cooperative in the early parts of a relationship, Imho


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don't have a problem with the guy not wanting premarital sex because of religion. I have a problem with him being so religious he won't have sex, but is dating outside his religion and supposedly is fine with her being an atheist or whatever she is, and not knowing how he wants to raise his kids. This is illogical. Either he has a low drive and is a liar, or he's crazy. Either is a deal breaker to me.


I would add to it that there is a problem with a guy who says that he wants to wait for marriage to have sex, but then he has sex 8 to 10 times in a 3 months period. And on top of that does everything but intercourse in between. He's conflicted at best.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

A 31 YO Mormon not married yet? Even a 21 YO Mormon not yet married would have people asking questions. Something is seriously amiss.

He says he doesn't want to have sex before marriage for religious reasons yet you two have had sex and more than once. Huge red flag.

I wonder if he is gay, or bisexual, and is hoping he can convince you to accept this crazy relationship so he can get his family off his back. He can blame and deviation from Mormon life due to your not being Mormon, not his own sexual preferences.

This will never get better and can only get worse. Run like the citizens of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla.


IamSomebody


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## Roxxolid (Jul 29, 2015)

Run, don't walk to the nearest airport, get the heck out of Mormon country and try, try again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Evinrude58 said:


> *Mormons are into having big families. They also wouldn't normally say "I haven't really thought about having kids and whether I'd raise them in my religion". Of course he would! Anyone that is religious would! I would!
> There are things that don't add up. *


I so agree with this.. we have Mormon friends.. they CARE about certain things.. I can't see them not caring about how their children will be raised -as our world gets more liberal & loose every day (in comparison to a more conservative lifestyle that many of them hold)... these are big issues.. maybe he just doesn't go to church, only says he's a Mormon....born into this religion, raised there but not much else.

Here are my initial thoughts upon hearing his age & having never been married.. I would bet $$ he has a hidden habitual "using rosy palms" porn addiction.. probably struggles with some shame but can't lay it down...if he's a normal healthy male.. he is getting off [email protected]#$ 

Unfortunately this has become his NORMAL..now he has a living breathing woman who craves intimacy, passion... he should be jumping all over this.. but he's reverting to his "norm". 

If he doesn't care about how his kids will be raised.. his wishy washiness about sex..







...I just wouldn't buy any of it.. sounds he is hiding behind his religion.. it makes for a good excuse.. but yeah.. it doesn't add up.


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I personally think that he is conflicted and all the desires are there but he feels it is the wrong thing to do. I know Mormons values and he hasn't stuck to them.

1. We have had sex and he has had sex with past girlfriends
2. He has never dated a Mormon girl in his life 
3. I think he knows he would like to bring his kids up as Mormon, but he feels conflicted to say so because he probably thinks that would put me off, so instead he says he hasn't thought that far into it (if he ever married a non Mormon).

I really wanted to make this work, but i just don't know how. I told him lack of intimacy is a big thing for me and he got upset saying he likes to think his personality means more than his body. I told him it isn't like that, and then he asked why i can't give us a chance.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him you'll go to a therapist with him and discuss it, if he wants to try dating.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

debs90 said:


> I would just like to say we have had sex already, just not often. We have been together 3 months and have had sex maybe 8-10 times. He says it is partly religion (not wanting to do it often), but also terrified of pregnancy out of marriage.



Sex 8-10 times in 3 months and then it's "partly religion" "not wanting to do it often". I don't think religions say you shouldn't do it often they say not at all.

Count yourself lucky. You found out this early on that you are not compatible. I wouldn't be surprised if you find a whole load more religious rules coming up if you stay with him.

Move on and find someone compatible. If he isn't interested at 3 months then he isn't going to be.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

debs90 said:


> I personally think that he is conflicted and all the desires are there but he feels it is the wrong thing to do. I know Mormons values and he hasn't stuck to them.
> 
> 1. We have had sex and he has had sex with past girlfriends
> 2. He has never dated a Mormon girl in his life
> ...


It sounds as though he has a LOT of personal issues to deal with and you do not need to put yourself in the middle.

#1 - He's had sex with you and previous girlfriends but now wants to pull the religion card and not have sex with you? 

He's a hypocrite, a liar or just not that into you. Whichever it is you need to move on.

For all his unresolved issues and his inability at 31 to decide what is important to him and what he wants I think you can safely bet that once his family does get involved he will go with their demands over yours and your life will be dictated by them. 

Someone rejecting the religion that they were brought up with is fine, but he hasn't. It looks like he wants to rebel a little bit but then carry on to the rules.

Move on, by late 20s or 30s someone should have a VERY good idea or what their own values and priorities are and you need to find someone like that. This seems like a train wreck in the making if you continue.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Sad to say, but your BF mightn't be the right fit for you, OP...

No matter what the reasons, religious or simply personal, people are perfectly entitled to decide when they will have sex in a relationship. It is then up to the other person to decide if they're prepared to wait or if they should walk away.

Personally, I would be very wary of marrying someone I wasn't sexually compatible with, and the fact that he does in fact have occasional sex with you would be a big red flag to me, and I'd want to know what he's hiding...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just want to say that I am a regular old Christain, or I should say I try and want to be. I've been taught that Mormonism is wrong because of xyz. But, I've met four different Mormons in my life and thought very highly of them. They have good morals and stick them much better than I stick to mine sometimes. But, I don't think this guy, if he really is Mormon, has any intention of marrying you. It would make no more sense than everything else that he says. Do you believe in God? I do, and there's no way I would even consider dating you for a long term relationship if you didn't. Most religious people wiukd feel the same way. Not because we think atheists are bad people, but because it would be a total deal breaker as far as incompatibility. A person who has no religious beliefs would be the same thing. 
There's a huge pile of unknowns with this guy. I would break things off with him if he can't come up with some reasons for his behavior that are logical and therefore believable. 31 and never married? That's usually for a reason. Someone 31 won't lie to a woman about big stuff like sex and child rearing if they're looking to get married. They want a firm foundation to be laid or will move on to someone they can build a firm, honest foundation with.
If you're not Mormon, you probably wouldn't like marrying one, anyway. 
Hoping you find someone compatible that's honest.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In my experience, Mormons stick very closely to their upbringing; it's basically part of who they are. Just the other night, my H's best friend, who is Mormon, wouldn't even try the tea my H made, simply because his religion says he's not allowed to. Not even a sip!

This guy you're dating either has a mental issue or he's a black sheep, which means he's most likely a bad choice.

Dating is for trying on people, to see how compatible you are. Chalk this one up to a try that didn't work out, and move on. You shouldn't be having this much trouble this early on.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

He's using his religion as some sort of "crutch" for something a little deeper going on in his brain pan. 

No where in any Bible, Koran, or Book of Scientology does it state that sex twice a month is ok. But Any more than that and your going to visit the demons in your afterlife. 

Somethings "messed up" in there. Could be a little messed up, or a lot messed up. I'm not to say. 

But in my opinion, expect that religious card to get played quite often in your sexual relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

I have grazed thru all of these posts and not a single one I have seen mentions this: 

To me it sounds like he had sex with you so he wouldn't lose you. It sounds like you have NEVER thought about that. You can be intimate without having sex. 

My parents have been married for 36 years and I am 34 I went to church sometimes with my Grandparents, but my mom was raised Catholic and my dad Christian, they married in a Christian church not a Catholic church, my parents never even went to church, they both feel that they are strong Christians and I do too. 

The biggest issue is the pregnancy out of wedlock, it sounds like both of you are very into each other, you need to find other ways to be intimate, sex should just be an extra anyways. If you love someone more than anything, it should be the best sex ever regardless of what sexual experiences or issues your partner as had in the past. Don't throw him to the curb just because he doesn't wanna have sex with you before you are married. 

And if you just drop it and find other ways to be intimate maybe the question will arise sooner then later. The question you have to ask yourself is can you live without him, you already answered that question as a no. So don't blow it because your sex drive is greater than his. It sounds like you are not respecting his beliefs and forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do.


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I'm not trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, i am just confused by the behavior. I would never push him to leave the church or not respect his beliefs, even if i don't agree with them. However, he is being very wishy washy. He says with past girlfriends he has had sex for a while and then stopped, and then obviously has continued again or met someone new and had sex. I also don't understand how oral is okay, because isn't the belief to refrain from all sexual activity?

I can only assume he is concerned about pregnancy and knows oral won't ever end in pregnancy. I also asked him if he was a jack Mormon and he said he didn't want to be. I politely asked him how he sees a future with someone who isn't a Mormon in regards of bringing kids up and everything as i was just curious, and he said he doesn't want to be a jack Mormon, but he doesn't need a Mormon to marry. 

All the posts here have been very insightful and i see all points. I guess i have just been holding on because i am in love with this man and sometimes i think we can work out, and other times i am concerned he will later on find it a huge problem and cast me aside. I have tried to discuss things with him to see where he is at but he seems very guarded and shut off from talking about his faith.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly why I said if you want ANY kind of future with him, he simply must go to therapy with you to resolve all of this. Trust me, dating is when you get the GOOD stuff; after marriage, everything you were giving each other goes downhill. So if it's this messed up now, imagine how motivated he'd feel to listening to or sympathizing with you once you were married.


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

How do you convince one to go to therapy due to their religious beliefs? It just seems a bit odd to ask someone to go to therapy after 3 months of dating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You say 
"I'm really crazy about you but our differences in this area are so strong that I'm not willing to go on unless we can get a secondhand, professional opinion about it. If you don't want to go, that's fine. We'll just go our separate ways, even though I don't really want to. Just let me know."


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

debs90 said:


> How do you convince one to go to therapy due to their religious beliefs? It just seems a bit odd to ask someone to go to therapy after 3 months of dating.


IMO, you don't. You either accept or move on. Frankly, I doubt that any reputable therapist would accept clients who have only been together 3 months for couple counselling...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

True. Which leads me back to asking...why stay with someone with whom you already have such a HUGE problem after only 3 months?

Dating is for trying people on.


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

Love


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then what's the problem? Right? Love conquers all. Who cares if you're unhappy or unfulfilled or being treated wrong? You're in love, right?


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## debs90 (Nov 1, 2015)

I thought the idea of being is in love was compromising and trying to do everything to work it out....hence why i asked here to see if people had some better insight.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Being in love isn't a free pass to accept things. Especially things that MAKE YOU UNHAPPY. 

A more mature take on this would be 'I really love being around him, I may even feel like I love him, but these are huge red flags for me, so I'm going to take a step back and see what happens. Three months isn't long enough to really even KNOW someone well enough to know if we're compatible for the long range or if we're really in love, and I'm sure not going to move forward until my issues are being addressed. So I'm going to step back and see what else I notice.'

btw, when you say you're in love, what you really mean is all those chemicals coursing through your veins are giving you a 'high' whenever you think about him, so you are now convinced you're in love. Unfortunately, those chemicals - that high you're now feeling - only last a year or so (they're in us to help the species stay attracted long enough to procreate, back in caveman days), and then all you're left with is a logical, philosophical relationship. Do you think you have enough of that to sustain things?

What Is the Importance of Chemistry?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It's too bad when your spouse fails to realize that sex is an important aspect of the relationship and when you force this to not occur, you cause damage to the relationship, sometimes irreparable. If you want to be selfish enough to make that decision for the both of you, I don't think you deserve to be married. It's also just as bad when clearly they don't want to have sex with you but do it anyway. Makes you feel your doing a prostitute. That shouldn't be the way sex is for people, but some spouses don't care, they would have things their way.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

debs90 said:


> I thought the idea of being is in love was compromising and trying to do everything to work it out....hence why i asked here to see if people had some better insight.


Once you're in a long term relationship with a lot to lose maybe, but it shouldn't be an uphill battle trying to work everything out from the start, that should tell you that it just isn't right.

If you are in love and want to put up with this BS and saying one thing one day then another the next then go ahead, but you are just scratching the surface of your issues now. 

You've had pretty well the same insight from everyone here but you don't seem to want it.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

debs90 said:


> I am 27 and he is 31. He has never been married, but i have been. I married young and our marriage didn't last (i am now divorced). I love how almost all of our life choices line up perfectly, and how despite the religious views and sexual intimacy, all of our values and beliefs are the same. He is kind, caring, sweet, he is extremely open minded and non judgmental. I guess he is intimate with me, just not full intercourse.


Do he seem intensely into what you are doing, as in he is turned on, it's just his fear of pregnancy outside of marriage based on his religion? If so, I would not worry about sex after marriage. But if you are the one always initiating and he doesn't feel "passionate" for you, then I would be concerned that you have very different sex drives that could be a huge disappointment after marriage.




debs90 said:


> I asked if he would want to bring his kids up as his religion if he was married to someone who wasn't, and he said he hadn't really thought about it but it can't bother him that much because me not being religious wasn't a deal breaker for him. We are very close. I know if we break up we will stay in touch. We really care about each other and it would never be a messy break up. We both said we don't not want to be in each others lives.


I would be very careful here. Some things he sincerely may not think are important to him - like raising his children religiously as he was raised may change drastically once you have children.

If you are simply "not religious" yourself, this may not be a big deal because even if you're not a believer, you can go ahead and be there with him for christenings, religious holidays, etc. if they become important to him.

But if you're bothered by the idea of raising children to believe in God, or a certain religion, I'd really think this through. Cultural differences can become big disappointments once children are in the mix. I think many have a strong drive to raise their children with the traditions and beliefs with which they were raised.

A few months back there was a thread on here by a vegetarian who had discussed not giving their children meat in advance with her husband, and he was fine. But once the child came he became somewhat consumed with the idea of giving her some meat. I can see how that would happen. You want to share your experiences/beliefs with your children.


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