# So Lost



## tria3 (Sep 17, 2011)

So, my husband and I have been together a total of 4 years. Married for 2 years in a couple of months. During our time of dating my husband and I separated twice. Once for a week and the last time for 3 months. The last time we were separated he dated another girl and a lot of drama happened. (Long long long story). Basically, when we got back together I asked him why he broke up with me, (because the day after we broke up he told me that he never loved me the way he lead me to believe and that he loved me more like a sister or a friend), and he told me that he did what he did because I was pushing marriage and children on him to fast, and he wanted to make me grow up. Funny thing is though, he was 23 years old, still living with his parents, had his car repossessed, and could not keep a job more than 3-6months. I was 18 years old, (living with my grandparents since I was 17), had my own car and the title in my name. Had a job since I was 2 weeks out of high school (kept that job for a year and the one I'm at now I've been with them almost 3 years now.) Took my grandparents where ever they needed to go and bought groceries for us since they are both on Social Security. Another funny thing is that we weren't even back together for a month when he asked me to marry him. 10 months later we were married, and 5 months after that we found out I was pregnant. I fought for this man! I gave this man everything. My own family didn't talk to me for 4-5months because I got back together with him and they were scared that he would hurt me again. The thing is though, I'm scared I'm going to hurt him this time.

I feel like I've got so much hate and rage built up towards him, and I just don't know how to let it go. The hate that I think I feel has to do with when we broke up. I felt as if he left me for this girl, because the same night he broke up with me he went and saw her and kissed her. He let me know this the next day when we talked. And then, he started dating this girl and brought her to make place of employment, even though he had to go an hour away to pick her up, drive an hour back, and come bother me in the middle of the night (I was a night stockier) at my job. Really? Now that I look back on everything, I wonder why I got back with him. He tried to change me into something I'm not. And now that he's gotten what he wants, he wants the old me back. He said he realized way to late that he loved me just the way I was and he was wrong for what he did to me and he will live with that regret for the rest of his life. 

I've gotten to the point of where I fantasize about how my life would have been if I didn't get back with him. I've never cheated on anyone in my life, but recently I've fantasized about being with another man. I keep telling myself everything will be okay, but I just don't know anymore. Lately we've been getting to the point of where we can't stand each other. Sometimes I can't even stand being in the same room with him. We started going to family counseling but haven't been back in a while. We're supposed to go sometime next week. So, I can honestly say, I'm trying to make it work. 

The reason's I want to save my marriage is simple. I have fought tooth and nail for this man since the day I met him. He has been there for me though thick and thin as well as I have been for him. He is a great father to our child. We work together to provide for ourselves and our child. He loves me unconditionally. He is a good and honest man. He used to take my breath away. 

I just don't feel as if I am in love with him anymore. God knows I love him, but I'm just so unsure about everything at this point. I just want my relationship to go back to how it was before we broke up and all that drama happened. I just want to be happy again and not feel so shut off for all my emotions or friends and family. Does anyone have any advise?


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## paleomama (Sep 17, 2011)

You said he is a great man and father to your child and that he loves you unconditionally. It sounds like everything has been good since you got back together except for the fact that you cannot forgive and move on. FC is great but you probably need some IC. You are the only one that can forgive and move on from drama of the past. Good luck!


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