# Hopeless? What to do...



## jasmine1 (Mar 30, 2014)

Hi, I am new here. Sorry this is sooo long. 

My story… 12 years of knowing each other, 11 years married. We met in the military. Spent four months together before we were sent to different posts. 

Over the next 14 months we saw each other twice. The second time we got married and then immediately returned back to our separate duty assignments. Saw each other 7 months later, I got pregnant. 

Finally, a month before our first child we were geographically together in an apartment. I got out of the military. Over the next 3 years we spent more time apart than together (deployments, training, etc..). We had 2 more kids in that time. He eventually got out of the military 7 years ago. 

Fast forward to today, 3 kids under 10. I am a part-time student/ SAHM. He commutes to a job that is in a city 2 hours away, one way (on a good traffic day). His job also requires him to travel about 35-40% of the time. Sometimes he is gone for 1 week, sometimes 3 weeks or more at a time. 

The problems that I have with our relationship:

-His responsibility- work. My responsibilities: everything else… I am basically a single mom...kids- activities, meals, bath, school functions; cleaning up after everyone, including him; domestic duties- laundry, cooking, cleaning, groceries; finances; planning anything and everything.

-He comes home and within 10 minutes is on the computer or watching TV. So when he is present, 85% of the time it is usually just in a physical sense.

-The way he talks to the kids sometimes. Sarcastic, annoyed and sometimes downright mean. “What are you, mental?” “Why would you do that?! That was genius!” 

-When he travels away from home he doesn’t even ask to talk to the kids on the phone. I usually have to initiate that.

-We disagree on childrearing. He likes to yell in between commercials and while surfing the web, rather than coming up with a meaningful consequence to bad behavior. I think it’s just easier to yell. I have now picked up on the bad habit of yelling too. But recognize it and constantly try to improve.

-We disagree on what to do about our living situation. At this point I want to stay in the school district (a couple years ago I wanted to move closer to his work) but I want out of our house, it’s too small and old and costing us a ton to keep up with repairs. He makes enough money that we could cut our losses and get out of here. All the money we sink into this place over the years we will never see back in home value. But he wants to wait a few more years before we try to sell again because we won’t make any money selling it right now, so he says.

-Pent up resentment. When the kids were younger dealing with three kids in the bath and at bedtime while he hung out kicked back in the recliner. When he travelled and I had 3 sick kids and he never asked how we were doing. The time that the car was over-heating and he never called to see if we even made it home (He figured I’d call if there was a problem). These are just examples… there are many more… And I just keep hanging on to it.

The good of it:

-He does try. He does. But it usually happens after a huge blow-out and then fades away. And when he travels it always throws us off course too. I see him trying to spend a little more time with the kids. I see him when he tries to not yell. I see him throwing a load of laundry in on occassion (when it's so piled up he has no socks left, lol) I try to acknowledge it and let him know I appreciate it.

-He is still affectionate towards me. Sex maybe 1-2X a week. Although 80% is just me agreeing and going through the motions. But he really is still attracted to me physically and lets me know.

-He always tells me he loves me. He doesn’t have a problem with me, except that I get upset with him.

In his defense I know he is exhausted daily. But he refused to move closer to his job. He doesn’t want to move to the congested city, he didn’t want the kids to leave their friends (puhhlease, they were under 5 when we considered moving the first time). He cannot find a comparable job in this area and never will. I pushed to buy this house before we knew about the job he is at now (with the long commute). He wanted to rent and if that were the case we would have moved immediately, since there wouldn’t have been a house to sell and he didn’t come to hate the area he works yet. But like I said he doesn’t want to move to where he works now (or out of the house at all, as I mentioned earlier).

I feel like I let some of this happen. I was and still am very controlling when it comes to the kids. But I don’t like the way he handles things, it’s too stressful to hear him yelling and getting mad and being mean, so it’s just easier if I handle it. Or he just makes bad decisions like letting them play outside unsupervised, etc…

The plan is for me to finish school, get a job so he can quit his and go back to school on the GI bill and he hopes to get a job in this area. I will be done in a year. 

So, is this a hopeless situation? We don’t even have time for counseling. He is never home and when he is, he is too tired to go back out at night. We want this to work but have wondered whether we would be better off apart. But the finances and kids (they would be devastated) really keep us holding on. I think it’s just too much work for either one of us to follow through with at this point. So we just keep going on with things… 

Thanks for reading and thanks for any feedback. If nothing else this is a nice venting session for me.


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

Hi,

It sound too me that you both are under a lot of stress. He works too much and too far and you have the kids and school. 

It sounds though that you have a functioning relationship. You have sex and express love.

You should understand that he works a lot and want to watch tv after a long day. Give him the credit. I understand where you are coming from because you have so much going on on your end.

It think that after you will finish school things will be better. You should consider moving closer to his work. Maybe halfway if possible? Or he should apply for other jobs.

Good luck and best wishes


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## dianthus (Apr 29, 2014)

wow, this sounds alot like my situation, only I finished school a few years ago, now I work and do everything I was doing while he continues on the same path. He might as well be a ghost while hes at home. I went to school to get out of my marriage, but thought that if I were contributing financially maybe things would change, but they got worse. He works all the time, drives far to work, travels for work, and when hes home works more or finds other distractions that keep him from us. Im sharing this with you because you sound exactly the way I have felt for so long, I cant predict that things will end up the same way for you, and I hope that it doesn't. I just never thought marriage could feel so lonely and be so painful.


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

When I was reading your story I looked at the username and made sure it wasn't me who wrote this!!!!! wow my story is very similar to yours! unfortunately I am at a point where I am exhausted and need out. Of course I know I would be doing everything on my own but at least it will be my own things and not for a lazy ass!!!! I really wish the best for you because in my case its just headed downhill..sorry to be so negative but I know exactly how you feel!!!!


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## jasmine1 (Mar 30, 2014)

Thanks you for the replies. 
I am sorry to hear there are others who are also in this situation, but I have to admit, it's nice to not be alone. 
We both just started counseling (individual). I am really hoping it does something to help. I'm not really sure what I am supposed to get out of it, and that is something I will probably ask in the counseling forum, when I get a chance. But anyway, lately I've just been saying to myself that I am not in a position to make a move out of this relationship and that I have to accept that I am a "single" mom. Any help I get from him is extra and to be happy with whatever I get. Amazingly, this has helped me a little bit to keep the peace with him each day. 
I am hoping for him that counseling will help him chill out and not be so grouchy and mean with the kids. But who knows, its hard to say what angle he is approaching his therapist with. 
I would like to think that if we got out of this crazy situation (long work commute/ travel for him) things would change a bit, but things were like this before this job started so I doubt it, but am still kind of hopeful... I don't know why.


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