# My husband is a binge drinker and my parents are giving me an ultimatum.



## Nicole_Marie

Hi. I have been married for 2 years and basically from day one my husband has had a problem with binge drinking. He has embarrassed me countless times in front of friends and family, he has put our family in many difficult situations while on a binge, and for many years he has always left a bad impression on my family. Obviously I have made the mistake of running to my family about these issues and in turn they have developed a very deep rooted resentment for him. Things have been getting rather crazy with him and I, again, and my parents are stepping in. They are telling me to leave him, divorce him, and to move on. They think that he takes me for granted and that i deserve and can do better than him, who they now simply call "the Loser". They keep telling me that I need to get out before i end up dead and/or completely broken. Right now I am staying with my parents. They are telling me that if i go back to him that they never want to see me or him again. Since they have given me this ultimatum, my husband and I have began marriage counseling with out pastor and my husband has come to terms that he has a drinking problem and is willing to seek professional help for it. 

My questions are these: should i have faith in my marriage and hope that it will get better once he gets the help that he needs? will him seeking professional help even make a difference or am i forever doomed to be the wife of an alcoholic? are my parents right or wrong for giving me that ultimatum? how do i approach this situation? 

on one hand i do not want to give up on my marriage, but on the other hand i cannot help but agree with my parents when they say that i deserve better.

Any perspective will help. Thanks in advance.


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## Hope1964

I could never disown MY kids, but your parents sound frustrated with seeing their daughter ruin her life, from their perspective.

IF your husband is truly seeking the help he needs and does manage to sober up, one of the 12 steps involves apologizing to those he's hurt. Has he been to AA?

You will always be the wife of an alcoholic if you stay with him, but it's up to your husband whether it's an alcoholic in recovery, or one not in recovery.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably get my own place (to heck with living with my parents) and tell my husband that once he's done 6 months sober I would look at living with him again. Maybe.

You might also benefit from Alanon, and so would your parents.


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## mikealone

My own perspective: I am not a Doctor, my knowledge is what I have learned from reading and from other people. Please do your own research.

Your husband has dipsomania. His liver is unable to regulate alcohol and never will. People all over the world have a problem with alcohol. For example "Asian Flush" affects hundreds of millions of people and not just asians. He drinks and his body goes into a thirst mode and he drinks more and faster until he reaches an alcohol blackout which is similar to sleep walking and then as you already know anything can happen.

Alcohol itself does nothing for him, it is actually a poison. He uses alcohol to make the brain release happy drugs such as dopamine.

His only choice is to quit drinking. Many ex-drinkers become dry drunks and eventually go back to drinking. To avoid becoming a dry drunk he needs to choose healthier activities to be happy.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great choice, there are many self learn books on the subject.


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## alphaomega

Mike! Where did you get that analysis ffrom?

I was a binge drinker. Yes, I would have embarrassed you too. Yes, your parents would give me an ultimatum if I was you too.

Please be patien with your parents. They only want what is best for you. As a parent, I would do exactly the same thing.....right or wrong

The problem with alchoholics is that we can't see the forest from the trees. We "know" we are doing something wrong, but we just don't care. The booze makes it all better.

Look! You either want to stay with your husband, helping him get better. Or you leave him.

Leaving him might give him a wake up call to get sober...but you won't experience that...at least at first....

Staying with him is a different demon....because he knows you stayed.....

He will find any excuse to get drunk....knowing that he should get better....but he always has you....and his excuses to rely upon.....


This is a much harder road.....trust me,...I lived it....

In my opinion.....seperate....show him the cliff....

Does he continue to topple over? Or does h pull himself back up and experience true life for once?

Only he can make that decision.....

Sometimes.....being shown the cliff is enough for some to change thier ways. Others....well....they don't get it....they continue to spiral down......until they lst everything..

I was lucky...I was shown the cliff...and crawled back up. Not to say it was easy on my family....withdrawal symptoms and such....but I did in fact realize what I was willing to toss aside with my nightly..."I'm just going to hav a few drinks to relax...." evenings.

.


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## appletree

I would leave my parents out of my decision. 
Ask yourself why you married and alcoholic in the first place , maybe it has something to do with your upbringing.
Do you have children?
Maybe you search a middle way. Stay married but move out. If he really shows a lot of improvement, move together, but move our (or throw him out as soon as he falls back).


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## Stormbringer

Nicole_Marie said:


> Hi. I have been married for 2 years and basically from day one my husband has had a problem with binge drinking. He has embarrassed me countless times in front of friends and family, he has put our family in many difficult situations while on a binge, and for many years he has always left a bad impression on my family. Obviously I have made the mistake of running to my family about these issues and in turn they have developed a very deep rooted resentment for him. Things have been getting rather crazy with him and I, again, and my parents are stepping in. They are telling me to leave him, divorce him, and to move on. They think that he takes me for granted and that i deserve and can do better than him, who they now simply call "the Loser". They keep telling me that I need to get out before i end up dead and/or completely broken. Right now I am staying with my parents. They are telling me that if i go back to him that they never want to see me or him again. Since they have given me this ultimatum, my husband and I have began marriage counseling with out pastor and my husband has come to terms that he has a drinking problem and is willing to seek professional help for it.
> 
> My questions are these: should i have faith in my marriage and hope that it will get better once he gets the help that he needs? will him seeking professional help even make a difference or am i forever doomed to be the wife of an alcoholic? are my parents right or wrong for giving me that ultimatum? how do i approach this situation?
> 
> on one hand i do not want to give up on my marriage, but on the other hand i cannot help but agree with my parents when they say that i deserve better.
> 
> Any perspective will help. Thanks in advance.


When you say binge drinker does that mean there are days when he is completely sober? In the Uk it is a term that refers to someone who essentually gets drunk on occasions but is sober on others?

I think some questions need answering;

- Is he always drunk?
- Does he have geniune awareness of the issues this is creating?
- Does he work? Does drink affect his work?
- Is he abusive?
- Will he change?

If you go back I am sure the parents will stay by you. They love you and they are not sure how to deal with the situation. Ultimately if you love him and want to try and make it work then set some parameters and if those are breached you may have to make the difficult decision.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

It is best not to involve family in your marriage problems. Not only is it a breach of privacy but family never forgets when one of their own is hurt, while you may forgive your husband if he improves. 

You have my sympathy. My husband is also a binge drinker. I put my foot down after he ruined our wedding night because he was drunk. Imagine inhaling the putrid odor of vomit and seeing your new spouse on the floor right after you get married!issed: I wanted to annul the marriage the next day because I was so upset. Nearly losing me forever helped my husband change his ways.

Though he will still drink once in a while, it is never a binge. I notice that my husband has a hard time controlling himself if he is at a bar or if we have his favorite drinks in the house. He won't touch wine if I buy some, but there is no scotch or gin allowed here.


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