# Cry Myself to Sleep



## idontknow1 (Apr 3, 2011)

I have been married for three years and we have two amazing children. For the most part, my husband and I are very happy together, though we have an issue that NEVER goes away. My husband has a mean sense of humor. He calls me dumb, stupid, a dumba**, or he will say things that imply that I am stupid like "Do you ever think before you talk" or "It doesn't take brain surgery". I just had our second child three weeks ago and he jokes about how fat I am and will call me fatty or tubby. I DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY, and yes I tell him so.
Then this usually turns into an argument and his words become even harsher. He will call me a stupid b**** or a c***, and tell me I am a psycho and freak out about little things. To me, this is not a little thing. He has no respect for me. I am not a yeller, or a name caller. I will just sit there in silence and cry. Then he will tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself and that he isn't going to baby me like my dad does. 
He says this is how people argue. It is not. I want to be able to have a discussion as an adult without all of the negative comments. I have suggested marriage counseling or anger management, but he refuses to go.
His latest outburst has left us not speaking for a day and him on the couch last night. He will apologize and say he is going to try to do better, but this will happen again in a couple of weeks. How can I end this cycle?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm sorry you are going through this. 

IMO, this sounds like verbal abuse. This is not acceptable to you, and he is showing that he doesn't care. 

There is something ugly and nasty inside of HIM that makes him do this to you. 

You can't change that/him...BUT you might be able to make this behavior stop by responding to it in a different way than you have.

To this point, he believes he can get away with this.
To this point, when he says something disrespectful, you respond by engaging in further conversation: you stand up for yourself, tell him to stop, and then it escalates and gets worse.

Try drawing the boundary with NO WORDS in response.
If possible, the moment he says something unacceptable, WALK AWAY FROM HIM.
If you can't physically walk away, then "walk away" with your body language and attitude: envision a boundary surrounding you and surrounding him and preventing his hurtful words from getting inside. They bounce off.

It might be possible to stop this cycle. You have to stop participating in it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Some will likely disagree, but in my opinion, this is emotional abuse, and he is only trying to disguise it as humor. The anger involved with this behavior takes much more than just a promise to try to be better. It would take counseing and consequences.

I might be wrong, but if he does agree to therapy, he will probably try to downplay it. It may be helpful to even record some of the conversations to let him hear them later.

You are in a place where you can make demands, but only if there are consequences. Only you can determine the consequences, should he continue. 

In my relationship, my wife and I made some basic committments regarding respect, and the things that we would never say. She is bipolar, however, and has only recently begun to say things that are extremely hurtful at times. Because she is actively participating in therapy and medications, I was very firm in my response. 

I mention this because your husband's behavior sees pretty extreme and dysfunctional. If it ultimately carries over to your children as they get older, it can be incredibly harmful.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sadists. I'm married to a woman who 'only teases'. Of course it's nonstop relentless and psychotically cruel. That's what bullies are. Your husband is a bully.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

How can you say things are good "except" for something so important? He either gets help NOW for his behavior--which IS the definition of verbal and emotional abuse (the words are verbal, and acting like it's no big deal and your feelings don't matter is emotional abuse), or you will start your exit planning now. If he does not take you seriously, start planning--get counseling for yourself, look into the laws in your state about what support he will have to pay and how you can make ends meet, who you could consider in your support network, etc. 

Be sure you tell him there will be no 2nd chance, you mean what you say, and if he values you and the marriage, then he'll take action now b/c you will NOT be reduced to harping on this issue. Plan and practice what you will say to him--he needs to know that this is no joking matter and he needs HELP before he destroys the family life he has begun to build. 

You need to accept that his behavior is abusive and you are only going to make it worse by tolerating it. What seems "good" now will fade under the escalating abuse that will unfold as the years pass. He is basically very unhappy with himself and he takes out his anger/frustration on you through this abusive behavior. If you want to take the step of arranging for marriage counseling, great--but do not let him off the hook for attending and getting individual help (which a good mc will say he needs, trust me!) You may need some individual counseling, too, b/c you have not seemed to recognize his behavior for what it is. Consider it, at least. 

Remember, this behavior will get worse if you do not take a stand now, and you will find it even harder to leave after he has torn down your self-esteem. Do not let the fear that comes from this reality paralyze you. If you act now and let him know you are completely serious, there is hope. But if you don't take a stand, you and your kids will suffer. God bless.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> How can you say things are good "except" for something so important? He either gets help NOW for his behavior--which IS the definition of verbal and emotional abuse (the words are verbal, and acting like it's no big deal and your feelings don't matter is emotional abuse), or you will start your exit planning now. If he does not take you seriously, start planning--get counseling for yourself, look into the laws in your state about what support he will have to pay and how you can make ends meet, who you could consider in your support network, etc.
> 
> Be sure you tell him there will be no 2nd chance, you mean what you say, and if he values you and the marriage, then he'll take action now b/c you will NOT be reduced to harping on this issue. Plan and practice what you will say to him--he needs to know that this is no joking matter and he needs HELP before he destroys the family life he has begun to build.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It is time to SHOW him that you won't tolerate this anymore.

I recommend starting with individual counseling. It can help you find the strength to stand your ground when he disrespects you.


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## sunshine31 (Feb 1, 2010)

Ew. This is my life a lot as well. It's so easy to look at your story and tell you to get out cause you don't deserve to be treated that way, but it's hard to do, I know. I feel for you.


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## nala21 (Apr 7, 2011)

I feel that there are clear "bounderies" that spouses can NEVER cross.
1) phyically hurting your spouse
2) degrading your spouse
3) name calling-Especially *****, c***! Those are the unforgivable ones. 
4) cheating

These should be standard rules that both spouses abide. Think about if you had a daughter and her bf/husband called her these things? Would you tolerate it?


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