# Interesting "chat" with the W



## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

So we got to talking about an article that basically detailed how to let go of resentment.]
Me: 45
She:44
3 kids
19 years married

I decided to discuss some of the things that had been bothering me for a while, but have not said before because it usually creates a crapstorm when I do.

I did preface everything by saying things had gotten better, however, I detailed some of the things that really left me gobsmacked.

1. I had been working from home 2-3 days a week. This apparently was something she used to throw blame on me for the housework not getting done. No, she does not work, and I have been the sole support of the family for close to 20 years. Anyhow, she started becoming cold and distant. And when we ran into an ex-lover of hers, she made a comment about how I am always there and how much she didn't like it, and then proceeded to flirt with him in front of me. I told her 2 nights ago that I had felt unwelcome in my own home because of that and other comments.

2. I spoke about how I felt more like a paycheck than a husband, and how I did not feel appreciated by her or our 3 kids for my efforts at providing a home, food, clothing and everything else where I rarely have any of the money spent on me.

3. I told her that I have absolutely no problem with helping her around the house. I used to just do whatever needed done, and never, ever criticized for it being left undone. Also, I did not mention to her, but the house is always a damn mess and we can never have guests over. I would also do little things like rub her feet and her back because I thought that was a good way to show how much I love her. Well, I was wrong. In her words then I was just trying to kiss her ass and suck up.

4. I did not get the subject of the extremely lame sex. Her laying there like a wet rag, rolling her eyes or giving me a laundry list of things needed to be done around the house (by her) mid-coitus.

Well, what I did talk about apparently pissed her off and she ended up crying. I said "I am sorry. I was not trying to hurt your feelings" I did not offer any excuse; just a simple apology.
She then started kissing me and started to get undressed. I moved over to her and she said "Go ahead! THIS is the only thing I can do good around here!"

I rolled back over and asked her what exactly the problem was.

She talked about how she thought she was my cheerleader and had been doing her best. I explained to her again, that this was something that was past, but it had been bothering me because we never talked about it. I told her, as well, that her pulling the sex-as-a-weapon thing is something she KNOWS is going to hurt me. She responded with "Why do have to make this all about you?"
I said "Because you did something you knew would hurt me, so in your mind it was about me" She then rolled over and said "Well I guess I'm just crazy"

I did manage to sleep for a few hours, and the next morning she was all sweetness and light and said "Well, we were both acting like dorks last night"

So, besides the roller-coaster stuff, should I be trying to get her to see a doctor? Depression or something else seems to get to her. BTW, she spends more than 12 hours a day on FB. The ex-lover is an idiot and not very internet savvy, and is getting married to someone else so not much concern over an EA (although I have a suspicion she might be actually attracted to women)

I have been manning up, no more helping her, and very very rarely doing to foot/back rubs.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't think she needs to see a doctor.
Instead of focusing on what is wrong with her, focus on what you can do to make her life meaningful, happy, and emotionally connected to you.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

Ok, so would that entail just "us" time? Going out on dates?
Having meaningful conversations? Listening without judgement or trying to "fix" things? Complimenting instead of criticism? Acting like the man in the relationship?

Can you give any other examples I might have forgotten?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Try different things. If she smiles, it was the right thing. All women have different things they care about.


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