# Hurt and Confused



## cliffb7 (Mar 16, 2014)

My wife and I have been together for 2 1/2 years but only married for 6 months. We are both 57 years old and it seems to me old enough to have worked things out with out seperation but a week ago she moved out to her sons house saying angerly that she didn't want to be married anymore and didn't want to comprimise anymore. Our relationship has had sometough times in it and unsettled but for the last six months it has been as settled as it has it has ever been with no financial problems with apretty good life. Her son is handicapped but very capable and very finacially set to take care of himself. He has been an issue from the start in being needy of her attention daily and emotionally pulling on her daily. He has hurt her very badly in the past before and actually hung her out to dry when we had a one month seperation a year ago. I was there for her financially and emotionally during this time and that did put us back together. But about 3 months ago he was back in the picture again and she slowly started to detach as he started to entice her to move into his big house, bought her a new car, and offered to take care of all her needs. It got the point that I about two months ago that I started to express my needs that weren't being met and this started a issue with her and I. I stepped up my game in every way that I could and it started to feel like a competetion. She doesn't have to work and I do alot for her probably to the point that it was more than I should've done. I know she was feeling the pull because when we did talk she expressed that. She got more and more quiet and I wanted to talk about this issue any others that were needing worked on. Finaaly last weekend she moved to his place and took the offer of a better deal than staying with me and working through the issues. By the way I never said me or him. I supported her relationship as long as it didn't come before ours. I never made spending time or doing things with him aproblem except once when they were out together and she came home from the bar at 3am in the morning, no phone calls to let me know that was happening. I am sure that I have made some mistakes in handling this and other stuations in our relationship but have supported and encouraged everything she has asked for and needed. After 2 years of this and the emtional wear and tear on me it began to effect out sex life too. The feeling had left for me and I was just feeling that I was already replaced and it was a only a matter of time before he got what he wanted. It confuses me that after 3 other times in her life that it didn't work out with him that she thinks that the big house, money and car would change the dynamis that repeats itself. I getting long winded her so now that she has moved about 2/3 rds of stuff out she stopped moving anymore stuff. Ove the last few days has been talking to me on occassion, even brought some cooking over, cleaned the house and asked if I was going to stay in the house/area or move, with concern. At this point it seems as though she has her cake and eat it to. As long as her son doesn't know she is coming over she has said on occassion she would like to. nothing more has been said about divorce since she left. To me it seems that she is pretty comforatable withe situation of have two people taking care of her responsibilities now. It would seem that I am hanging in the air waiting for her to eventually make up her mind what she wants to do and that seems unfair after all I have done already. I don't know where to take this right now but I have had 2 counseling sessions and the botttom line at this point is to give her plenty of space, kindness, and be patient. To me it feels like a kind of betrayel by going to the highest bidder. That makes it difficult to display these qualities that I am being told to use. After all this I do have compassion for her and the abuse she has had in her life from child hood on and have a understanding of what that is like. Bottom line is I would like to work things out but it also seems like as long as things are the way she wants it, what would her motive to deal with me and our future? Ok enough writng, I m sure there is more that I could write to add clarification but if anyone wants that I will add info. If anyone has experience along these lines please write a response. Thanks


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Hmmmm...make sure she has _no_ access to your money and cut off her credit card. No need to pay for her lifestyle. This is not a vindictive thing. It is a protective thing for yourself, but also sends a clear message that you won't pay for her to live with her son.

Is she in IC?

Are you in IC?

Have you been to an MC together?

If she has suffered from abuse she is likely pretty codependent and likes to fix people and manipulates them through this fixing behavior (moving in with her troubled son is possibly a move of a fixer...it is less about his money than it is about her need to feel needed). 

You giving her money, does not make her feel necessary to the relationship. So make sure the faucet is off on that one. Her bringing you food, is likely her wavering on the relationship, but it might also be about her not wanting you to hurt and trying to fix things with a casserole. Codependent behavior.

Best thing for her would be to have to stand on her own for a while, but with her son footing the bill she might not wake up for quite some time. Best to focus on yourself for now and how you can improve your own life without her.


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## cliffb7 (Mar 16, 2014)

Thaks for th ereply. I think you have a very good read on it. The counselor that i have seen says that I need to be patient and give her space and as the control is turned up at her sons I will start to look like the better long term relationship to be in. I just hate sitting in limbo waiting for her to see what she has already seen living him in the past. Also the more that I act like her friend and help with even small stuff that he could do it seems that it just enables here more. Any thoughts on this?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Well...codependent people are attracted to people who are a bit self-centered and controlling. Work on yourself in those regards and start to become something different. 

She needs therapy. She is broken and you cannot help her get well really. You are broken too and you have to look at yourself.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Is this your first marriage?


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## cliffb7 (Mar 16, 2014)

No it isnt


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