# Keeping Sexy Lingerie from Previous Lover



## Hank182

Me and my wife have been married for over 10 years. We had both recently divorced a couple years prior to meeting. Not long after we meet she told me about a couple FWB she had, nothing serious just a meet up and hook up type thing. Honestly it never really bothered me. One guy she hooked up with for about a year and the other not all that long. I never really thought much of it until I got to looking around in the closet for something and found a bag full of lingerie. Stuff I had never seen before and actually asked her about it however she just played it off and I let it go. Finally I decided to go check it out more closely. It’s all Victoria Secret stuff with garment tags dated to the year before we meet. Seeing how I don’t remember any of it and it’s tags are dated a year before we meet looks like it’s stuff she wore during her hookups with this other guy. Obviously he seems to be more than just a hookup? They never went out on dates. He was basically a BoyToy. 
After 10 years of marriage she has had several opportunities to through them away but choose to keep them. What do think?


----------



## sokillme

I think you need to talk to her about it. She had a previous relationship of whatever kind before you were married, unless you are in your teens, that's life. I don't think she needs to tell you all the details plus why would you want them. Beside lingerie seems like tools of the trade for FWB right? I would probably ask why she keeps the lingerie, just to make sure there is nothing funny going on. Also though, my wife has stuff in her closet from years ago, lingerie even. Doesn't mean she is holding on to it for sentimental value, maybe in a (do you believe I used to be able to pull that off) kind of way. Not I miss the person I wore it with kind of way. I have some goofy stuff like that too. It's just really a novelty. 

However a bigger question is what is your sex life like? Is she sexual like that with you? If not why not? Are you disappointed about that? That is something you should explore, however you can't whine about it, that isn't going to work. Why not try to seduce her into wearing it? My overall point is she had a sex life before you, most people do. I suspect this is more about you being satisfied with where your sex life is now. You can change that.


----------



## Hank182

Honestly I pretty much know all the details of the previous relationship or at least I think I do. As I said before, it doesn’t bother me and she knows that so really no reason to hid anything. I do like the idea of it being a memento of some sorts of what a sexy time she had before we got together. That could be it. And yes I do intend to ask her about them. It’s pretty obvious she is keeping them for some reason. I am not mad about it or anything. I would just like to figure out why she is keeping them. 

As for our sex lives, pretty standard seems to be. Extremely hot when we meet and where dating. After marriage comes kids, job responsibilities and all other things life has to offer. Seems the sex falls off after all that. Could be the reason she keeps them, reminds her of the good times she had before.


----------



## arbitrator

Hank182 said:


> *Honestly I pretty much know all the details of the previous relationship or at least I think I do. As I said before, it doesn’t bother me and she knows that so really no reason to hid anything. I do like the idea of it being a memento of some sorts of what a sexy time she had before we got together. That could be it. And yes I do intend to ask her about them. It’s pretty obvious she is keeping them for some reason. I am not mad about it or anything. I would just like to figure out why she is keeping them.
> 
> As for our sex lives, pretty standard seems to be. Extremely hot when we meet and where dating. After marriage comes kids, job responsibilities and all other things life has to offer. Seems the sex falls off after all that. Could be the reason she keeps them, reminds her of the good times she had before.*


*Has she ever worn any of this lingeree in lovemaking sessions with you during your relationship or marriage to her?*


----------



## Deejo

Let's be clear. You mentioned 'garment tags', like the price tags? As in, has never actually been worn? Just want to clarify.

For the time being I'll suppose that ISN'T the case.

I can give you my 2 cents Hank, do with it what you will.

To me, it would be a non-factor. If anything, I'd pick one out, and present her with it one night. "I've imagined what you look like wearing this. I'd prefer to just see it."

If you feel like it would be a trigger for you, that instead of relishing the opportunity to get funky with you, instead you imagine it reminding her of someone else ... then thats some baggage we need to sort out for you.

If she laughs and says, "No way am I putting that on." That's a cue for another conversation. 
"You don't want to wear it, but you keep it. Help me out with that."

For the record, my wife has lingerie. I have never purchased lingerie for her. I simply haven't concerned myself with it's origin. I just think she's hot as hell, when she wears it. Prior to meeting me, my wife was also in a relationship with a man, with whom she knew there was no future (like your circumstances, you are the one she married, not Harry Hookup ... because he was probably fun for a time, but was not husband material)


----------



## Hank182

No , it’s not something we really got into. Plenty of sexy underwear with matching bras. She knows I know all about her history. And she knows it doesn’t bother me. Just doesn’t make sense to me.


----------



## Hank182

The Garment tags have a few numbers on them to identify the company that made them called an RN number and below those numbers at the bottom has a month and year it was made. 
Honestly I am just going to lay them out and ask her about them. I’m gonna point out the fact that we didn’t use them in our play time and and see what she says. They are in a bag with a few other things from her past that she is obviously keeping for a reason.

As I have said I am not mad about her keeping them at all. I am just really surprised by this and wondering why she has kept them. 
Just figured I would float the question anonymously on line to see what kind ideas others might have. The idea of it being from a really sexual time in her life and she wants something to remember it by could be it. OR it could be that there was more to the relationship than I was lead to believe. Or something else. I’m really not sure.


----------



## Deejo

Well, I can also certainly relate to you that my wife has clothes that she owned from her twenties. She is now 48. She absolutely laments what is happening to her body on the backside of menopause, and will declare, "Damn, I wish I could still pull this off." while holding up a slinky dress.

It's like a body image memory.

My gut tells me you have nothing to worry about. But I can certainly understand your curiosity.


----------



## twoofus

Since the garments still have tags on it is unlikely that they would have be worn. If it is nice lingerie, why not keep it?


----------



## Hank182

No they have been worn. The date the garment was made is on the garment tags. She kept these for a reason because there is plenty of stuff I have bought her over the years that she has thrown away at some point. These are in a bag with some other keepsakes that she is deliberately keeping.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Hank182 said:


> Me and my wife have been married for over 10 years. We had both recently divorced a couple years prior to meeting. Not long after we meet she told me about a couple FWB she had, nothing serious just a meet up and hook up type thing. Honestly it never really bothered me. One guy she hooked up with for about a year and the other not all that long. I never really thought much of it until I got to looking around in the closet for something and found a bag full of lingerie. Stuff I had never seen before and actually asked her about it however she just played it off and I let it go. Finally I decided to go check it out more closely. It’s all Victoria Secret stuff with garment tags dated to the year before we meet. Seeing how I don’t remember any of it and it’s tags are dated a year before we meet looks like it’s stuff she wore during her hookups with this other guy. Obviously he seems to be more than just a hookup? They never went out on dates. He was basically a BoyToy.
> After 10 years of marriage she has had several opportunities to through them away but choose to keep them. What do think?


So she's managed to have this little bag of mementos for *10 years* and you never saw it but then suddenly, while you're "looking around for _something_" in the closet you magically found it? What item of yours did you think you were going to find digging that deeply through *HER* stuff? 

It's obvious you're controlling and insecure having made her tell you every single detail of her love life starting from 2nd grade right up to the minute you met her, but why does she have to explain herself to you just because she has a small bag of lingerie from years ago that she liked too much to part with? Does she have to check in with you every time she goes to the bathroom, too? Do you need to read all her texts and approve them first before she's allowed to hit the send button?

I get what you're telling everyone about the tags - like Inspector Gadget, you've broken the code of the numbers on the tags sewn into the garment and can tell what year they were made, etc. Nice detective work! 

I* know* what it's like to have to deal with a paranoid, insecure, jealous man like you, and it sucks. Big time. And that's likely why she didn't tell you about her little bag of souvenirs. The bull**** she'd *get *for it simply isn't worth it so it's remained a secret all these years. I'm just being honest with you.


----------



## Hank182

Wow I guess you are really jaded from your previous marriage. You make a lot of assumptions or maybe it’s just lack of communication on my part. So many details are left out in forums like this. 

As for snooping deep down in her things. We have a walk in closet the bag of things was just laying there in the corner open for me to see. No snooping required. In no way was she trying to hide them from me. Honestly I don’t feel we have that type of relationship. We have always been very open and honest with each other. 

Everything I know from her previous relationships she volunteered to me. “Controlling” is the last word I would use to describe our relationship.

“Cracking the code” on the garments, it’s not rocket science. At the bottom of the tag is a month and a year the garment was made. 

I do like the idea that they could be something sexy from her past that she wants to keep. That could be it. 

I really hate you had a bad experience from a previous husband. No one should have to go through that. The way you read into our relationship could not be further from the way it actually is. But thanks for the input.


----------



## JustTheWife

You might not want to lay it all out before you ask her about it. I think that is overly confrontational and like it's evidence or a "smoking gun". Why not just ask her about it without laying it all out for display? I think having it all laid out might make her defensive like your saying "busted!" or something.


----------



## personofinterest

I am not a person who keeps a lot of things at all. In fact some of my friends call me the most non sentimental person they have ever met. I just don't like having a lot of junk. So I don't really know why she would keep something for so long. However, if they are really nice and pretty, and she is not the same size she was when she wore them, she might be keeping them as motivation to try to get back to that size some day. I do have friends who still own their favorite outfit from 15 years ago hoping someday it will fit again lol. I don't think this is a red flag for cheating or that she is still carrying a torch for this guy. A lot of women just keep stuff indefinitely.


----------



## ButtPunch

I don't like the idea of you laying it all out either.


----------



## Yeswecan

Hmmmmm...call me crazy but keeping lingerie from a previous relationship is similar to me keeping the condom packages from previous relationships. I find it very odd. But that is just me.


----------



## Hank182

JustTheWife said:


> You might not want to lay it all out before you ask her about it. I think that is overly confrontational and like it's evidence or a "smoking gun". Why not just ask her about it without laying it all out for display? I think having it all laid out might make her defensive like your saying "busted!" or something.


 That is a very good point! Actually I should have chosen some different words. But yes I am going to ask her about the bag of stuff. It has some other things in it from previous relationships as well which leads me to believe they all mean something to her. Honestly she is not going to be mad about my asking about them nor am I mad about her having them. I just wanted to float the idea around for reasons why she may have kept them. I fully intend to ask her about them when she gets back from her business trip.


----------



## Married but Happy

I wouldn't think about this at all, as I don't think it matters. If you start down this path over things shared/obtained from a prior lover, where does it lead? What else must be purged? Other clothing? Bedding? Mattress? Sofa? House? Car? KIDS!?!?

Hmm. Come to think of it, ....


----------



## JustTheWife

I would also not recommend pointing out that they were not used in your play time as you say that you plan to say. That sounds accusatory and confrontational too. Maybe better to say something like, "hey honey, i came across some lingerie in the closet when I was looking for my golf shoes and I was wondering when you are going to wear it. It looks hot and it would be great to see you in it. Were you saving it for a special occasion?"

I wouldn't go into how you checked the numbers and found that it predates your relationship, etc. This might not mean what you think so i don't think that it's dishonest or playing dumb like to set her up (perjury trap????). I'ts just asking an open question.

If she's honest, then she'll tell you that it's old and that she did not buy it for you. At that point you can ask your main question which I think is why she wanted to save it. I think you need to be careful because "why are you keeping it?" can easily have undertones that it bothers you.


----------



## JustTheWife

Hank182 said:


> That is a very good point! Actually I should have chosen some different words. But yes I am going to ask her about the bag of stuff. It has some other things in it from previous relationships as well which leads me to believe they all mean something to her. Honestly she is not going to be mad about my asking about them nor am I mad about her having them. I just wanted to float the idea around for reasons why she may have kept them. I fully intend to ask her about them when she gets back from her business trip.


Maybe she got them as gifts at her bachelor party when she married you and didn't like them to wear but saved them for the memories? OK maybe that's not likely but it's as possible as anything else.


----------



## twoofus

I imagine most adults have been through several romantic/sexual relationships in their time. While some will have ended on a bad note, is there any reason why we should forget all the good times as well, including the more personal ones? For example, my wife absolutely hates her ex, and with good reason, but she has still kept some of the gifts he gave her in the better times she had and briefly enjoys the memory of that moment, it does not make me jealous or concerned at all. I enjoy the silicone breasts that the ex paid for and she enjoys me enjoying them too. Blimey, we even had some fun with the bondage gear he left behind LOL. We will talk openly about some of the the previous sex we have had with others, what worked and what didn't and what we would like to try for ourselves. 
A note about finer lingerie: Not all women are confident enough to wear it although they might be flattered that it has been bought for them. They might not wear it the first time you ask, but remind them she would look hot in it. But when she does wears it, respond to it every bit as she might dare to hope.


----------



## Decorum

Maybe having this stuff just reminds her, in the back of her mind, that she is a sexy desirable woman. 

How does she admit that to you?


----------



## SunCMars

Hank182 said:


> The Garment tags have a few numbers on them to identify the company that made them called an RN number and below those numbers at the bottom has a month and year it was made.
> Honestly I am just going to lay them out and ask her about them. I’m gonna point out the fact that we didn’t use them in our play time and and see what she says. They are in a bag with a few other things from her past that she is obviously keeping for a reason.
> 
> As I have said I am not mad about her keeping them at all. I am just really surprised by this and wondering why she has kept them.
> Just figured I would float the question anonymously on line to see what kind ideas others might have. The idea of it being from a really sexual time in her life and she wants something to remember it by could be it. OR it could be that there was more to the relationship than I was lead to believe. Or something else. I’m really not sure.


Yes, to all your musings, your imaginings.

She does not throw them out because they are unused, are new.

I am sure, I am positive of this.
Occasionally she visits them, pulls them out and turns them back and forth. 

She may even smell them.
Smells them to see if they elicit some fulfilled fantasy.
Brings to light, to scent some memory. 
The good ones.

One possibility:
Was her bottom smaller then, her boobs a size or two smaller?
If so, then she remembers her youth, her youthful form.

She remembers and sighs.....maybe cries!

Me?

From first sight I would have never mentioned them.
I would have hid them, let her wonder and ponder.

Let her tear her closet apart.

Of this I would take note, take alert.

If no such action occured, a year or two later I would place them where they were.
I would put a baggie with a dried rose in the bag.

In the bag would go a note.
A note saying, "Thanks for the memory, thinking of me after all this time".

Signed: "Your lover of yesterday past, never forgotten".



The Typist I-


----------



## Yeswecan

Married but Happy said:


> I wouldn't think about this at all, as I don't think it matters. If you start down this path over things shared/obtained from a prior lover, where does it lead? What else must be purged? Other clothing? Bedding? Mattress? Sofa? House? Car? KIDS!?!?
> 
> Hmm. Come to think of it, ....


Sorry, but this lingerie was purchased for someone else in mind and activity. Intimate time. It does not equate to cars, bedding and other clothing IMO.

For me, I would want lingerie picked out with me in mind. Not some dude from years ago. But that is just me again.


----------



## Hank182

personofinterest said:


> I am not a person who keeps a lot of things at all. In fact some of my friends call me the most non sentimental person they have ever met. I just don't like having a lot of junk. So I don't really know why she would keep something for so long. However, if they are really nice and pretty, and she is not the same size she was when she wore them, she might be keeping them as motivation to try to get back to that size some day. I do have friends who still own their favorite outfit from 15 years ago hoping someday it will fit again lol. I don't think this is a red flag for cheating or that she is still carrying a torch for this guy. A lot of women just keep stuff indefinitely.


 No I don’t think it’s a red flag for cheating either. After all they where together almost 15 years ago. I just found it odd that she would have kept the stuff from so long ago. Was just fishing for reasons as to why. It could be that he meant more to her than she let on. He was almost 10 yrs younger than her and she was barley a year out of divorce of more than 10 years.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Imo it's really a non issue.

She received them, they're her items. It doesn't sound like she's made an issue of having them.

They're hers. Don't do something silly like lay them out. Maybe tell her you saw them while in the walk in closet for whatever reason it doesn't sound like you were snooping. 

Just say hey, put this on for tonight or whatever.

Enjoy them with her. Shoot on a couple if you want to establish present ownership 😍😍 (humor).

But really, this will only be a negative if you make it so.

Durn.

Carry on!!


----------



## Married but Happy

Yeswecan said:


> Sorry, but this lingerie was purchased for someone else in mind and activity. Intimate time. It does not equate to cars, bedding and other clothing IMO.
> 
> For me, I would want lingerie picked out with me in mind. Not some dude from years ago. But that is just me again.


Fair enough. I still don't see it as a big deal. Most of us have pasts that involve good sex with someone else. That isn't negated simply by getting rid of some task-specific clothing.

What if she chose those items because she liked them, *not* because someone she dated liked them? She may still like them, and they still can serve the same purpose. The only question I have is, why she isn't using these now? If she has no intention of doing so, then I can see disposing of them.


----------



## Yeswecan

Married but Happy said:


> Fair enough. I still don't see it as a big deal. Most of us have pasts that involve good sex with someone else. That isn't negated simply by getting rid of some task-specific clothing.
> 
> What if she chose those items because she liked them, *not* because someone she dated liked them? She may still like them, and they still can serve the same purpose. The only question I have is, why she isn't using these now? If she has no intention of doing so, then I can see disposing of them.


For me, if purchased some task specific clothing for another I would not save it for the next individual. Seems more of a momento. What I do save is what I learned in the sack!

But yes, if the items have been in the closet for 10 years unused they should be trashed.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

Maybe they were not cheap but nice garments and she just didn't want to throw them away. She isn't going to want to give her underwear away to someone like she might a nice dress she no longer wears so in the bag in the corner it goes.


----------



## Yeswecan

PigglyWiggly said:


> Maybe they were not cheap but nice garments and she just didn't want to throw them away. She isn't going to want to give her underwear away to someone like she might a nice dress she no longer wears so in the bag in the corner it goes.


Yeah...it's called hoarding. LOL


----------



## Stormguy2018

Hank182 said:


> Me and my wife have been married for over 10 years. We had both recently divorced a couple years prior to meeting. Not long after we meet she told me about a couple FWB she had, nothing serious just a meet up and hook up type thing. Honestly it never really bothered me. One guy she hooked up with for about a year and the other not all that long. I never really thought much of it until I got to looking around in the closet for something and found a bag full of lingerie. Stuff I had never seen before and actually asked her about it however she just played it off and I let it go. Finally I decided to go check it out more closely. It’s all Victoria Secret stuff with garment tags dated to the year before we meet. Seeing how I don’t remember any of it and it’s tags are dated a year before we meet looks like it’s stuff she wore during her hookups with this other guy. Obviously he seems to be more than just a hookup? They never went out on dates. He was basically a BoyToy.
> After 10 years of marriage she has had several opportunities to through them away but choose to keep them. What do think?


I think she needs to wear them for you.


----------



## Hank182

Married but Happy said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, but this lingerie was purchased for someone else in mind and activity. Intimate time. It does not equate to cars, bedding and other clothing IMO.
> 
> For me, I would want lingerie picked out with me in mind. Not some dude from years ago. But that is just me again.
> 
> 
> 
> Fair enough. I still don't see it as a big deal. Most of us have pasts that involve good sex with someone else. That isn't negated simply by getting rid of some task-specific clothing.
> 
> What if she chose those items because she liked them, *not* because someone she dated liked them? She may still like them, and they still can serve the same purpose. The only question I have is, why she isn't using these now? If she has no intention of doing so, then I can see disposing of them.
Click to expand...

 Couple reasons she does not wear them now. The items are all a size small, she now wears a medium. They are lingerie type things, we never got into that . I was always a sexy panty man! This was over 10 years ago we are at different places in our lives now. I love thongs on a woman, she use to wear them all the time. Couldn’t pay her to wear them now.


----------



## RoseAglow

We should start keeping track of the many ways some TAMMERs find to make themselves as sexually unattractive as possible.

_"What is this lingerie doing here? It's a bag I found in the closet. I know that it's more than 10 years old because I read the garment tag! 

What does this mean? Why would you keep it? You're not wearing it for me!!! 10 years ago you were with that other guy! Do you love him more?? Is this a special keepsake that means you still care for him?? What is going on? I deserve to know!"_

This isn't quite up there with abuse or cheating but it is not a good look. Needs to be at least in the top 25.

Unless there is more to this story, I agree with the others who say, tell her you found it and invite her to put it on for you! Otherwise, the way it's been presented here makes you look you emotionally weak.


----------



## Hank182

Yeswecan said:


> PigglyWiggly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe they were not cheap but nice garments and she just didn't want to throw them away. She isn't going to want to give her underwear away to someone like she might a nice dress she no longer wears so in the bag in the corner it goes.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah...it's called hoarding. LOL
Click to expand...

 Definitely not a hoarder. That could be me but not her. I have bought her all kind sexy underwear that she has since disposed of other the years. Lots of nice cloths as well.


----------



## RoseAglow

Hank182 said:


> Couple reasons she does not wear them now. The items are all a size small, she now wears a medium. They are lingerie type things, we never got into that . I was always a sexy panty man! This was over 10 years ago we are at different places in our lives now. I love thongs on a woman, she use to wear them all the time. Couldn’t pay her to wear them now.


I'm going to try to be more helpful here than on my last post.

As a woman, I would bet big $$ that she is keeping them as a memento of younger, thinner days. She can sigh and think about when she actually fit into something so little!


----------



## Deejo

RoseAglow said:


> I'm going to try to be more helpful here than on my last post.
> 
> As a woman, I would bet big $$ that she is keeping them as a memento of younger, thinner days. She can sigh and think about when she actually fit into something so little!


Yep. That was my takeaway as well.


----------



## Hank182

I'm going to try to be more helpful here than on my last post.

As a woman, I would bet big $$ that she is keeping them as a memento of younger, thinner days. She can sigh and think about when she actually fit into something so little![/QUOTE] And that very well could be it! But that is the reason I asked the question on here to get ideas from others to see what they think about it. Ultimately it doesn’t matter why she kept them because I really don’t care. It’s just something odd in our relationship, I am willing to beat most couples have things that are odd and doesn’t make sense to the other but in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter.


----------



## Hank182

RoseAglow said:


> We should start keeping track of the many ways some TAMMERs find to make themselves as sexually unattractive as possible.
> 
> _"What is this lingerie doing here? It's a bag I found in the closet. I know that it's more than 10 years old because I read the garment tag!
> 
> What does this mean? Why would you keep it? You're not wearing it for me!!! 10 years ago you were with that other guy! Do you love him more?? Is this a special keepsake that means you still care for him?? What is going on? I deserve to know!"_
> 
> This isn't quite up there with abuse or cheating but it is not a good look. Needs to be at least in the top 25.
> 
> Unless there is more to this story, I agree with the others who say, tell her you found it and invite her to put it on for you! Otherwise, the way it's been presented here makes you look you emotionally weak.


Why do you think it makes me look emotional weak?


----------



## MyRevelation

Yeswecan said:


> For me, if purchased some task specific clothing for another I would not save it for the next individual. Seems more of a momento. What I do save is what I learned in the sack!
> 
> But yes, if the items have been in the closet for 10 years unused they should be trashed.


I concur.

They may not be relevant any longer, or she may have simply forgotten they were still in the closet, or they may be cherished memories ... whatever the reason, it's time for them to be trashed.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

Hank why won't she wear a thong now......even around the house just for some eye candy?


----------



## SunCMars

Hank182 said:


> No they have been worn. The date the garment was made is on the garment tags. She kept these for a reason because there is plenty of stuff I have bought her over the years that she has thrown away at some point. These are in a bag with some other keepsakes that she is deliberately keeping.


This bit, this keepsake bra, tit-bit is revealing.

This gives one pause, makes one queasy.

Hide them, wait for her response.

If you have not the nerve, put moth balls in the garment bag.
This will send her nose elsewhere, her mind a-skitter.

And that will keep any female gnats from bugging you.
No, likely the opposite.

Put in the mothballs, from them soon will come fireworks!
Put in the mothballs and then take a long nap-thalene.


Just Sayin'


King Brain-


----------



## Hank182

PigglyWiggly said:


> Hank why won't she wear a thong now......even around the house just for some eye candy?


 I don’t know. Seems to be a common theme with most not all women. They like to wear sexy things when the are younger and things are new to them. As things get older they are more about comfort and less about sexy. But yes I agree she should at least wear something for me around the house just for me. Maybe she will on our next date.


----------



## SunCMars

Now, if I were you, Old @Hank182.....

I would take some of my best suit-hankies, the ones with the embroidered "H' on them, sprinkle your favorite cologne on them and put them in that same garment bag.

And wait for the response. If it is rather soon, not a long wait after, then you know she makes frequent trips to those garments.
If she makes frequent trips, they pose a threat. 

.......................................................................................

An aside:

It she puts them on, lays in bed and diddle-daddies, when you are not home......uh, Oh, My!


----------



## Hank182

SunCMars said:


> Now, if I were you, Old @Hank182.....
> 
> I would take some of my best suit-hankies, the ones with the embroidered "H' on them, sprinkle your favorite cologne on them and put them in that same garment bag.
> 
> And wait for the response. If it is rather soon, not a long wait after, then you know she makes frequent trips to those garments.
> If she makes frequent trips, they pose a threat.
> 
> .......................................................................................
> 
> An aside:
> 
> It she puts them on, lays in bed and diddle-daddies, when you are not home......uh, Oh, My!


 You are colorful! I will say that. You know several have said that I should hide them, maybe I will and wait to see what happens. But as I have said before they are not hidden in anyway. All you have to do is walk in the closet and look down. They are in a paper bag that is wide open to see inside. Obviously she was not concerned about my finding them. I will say that they have not always been there and I am really not sure when they showed up. But I am certain that these garments and other keepsakes have been moved from one house to another and from wherever they where to where they are now.


----------



## twoofus

MyRevelation said:


> I concur.
> 
> They may not be relevant any longer, or she may have simply forgotten they were still in the closet, or they may be cherished memories ... whatever the reason, it's time for them to be trashed.


What is wrong with having cherished memories? There's enough negativity in the world with out smashing folks happy memories. Just because you were not there at the time does not make them trash. You do not own her soul.


----------



## RoseAglow

Hank182 said:


> Why do you think it makes me look emotional weak?


Wanting to put out clothes on the bed and asking why she still has these, even though she doesn't wear them, makes you look like you're worried about something. Specifically, based on your posts, you are worried that she has an emotional attachment to them, which implies she has an emotional attachment to an ex.

This is weak. Why would you be worried? How much confidence do you have if you are worried about old clothes stashed in a bag in the closet? Especially clothes, as now have learned, that don't fit her and haven't fit her.

Insecure and controlling men are not attractive to healthy women. This line of questioning and the assumptions behind it are insecure and controlling- both signs of weakness.

You say you don't care one way or the other but you're on a website asking people for ideas on what this might mean. This is just looking for trouble. 

There are stronger men posting that they wouldn't blink at this. People with confidence in a good relationship wouldn't think twice on it. It is obvious that these clothes are not being worn for you- or anyone else at this point. What does it matter? 

And I just have to LMAO at poster who think you have any right to tell her to throw out her own clothes. Pffffff. Weak as F. 


If you feel like you MUST say something, I again recommend following the advice of other posters. You can't ask her to wear them for you due to size but you can say you found them and love thinking about her and how great she looks in things like this and thongs, etc. Suggest getting some new stuff. 

Make it happy and supportive and forward-looking, instead of weak, controlling, and backwards looking.


----------



## personofinterest

Hank182 said:


> I don’t know. Seems to be a common theme with most not all women. They like to wear sexy things when the are younger and things are new to them. As things get older they are more about comfort and less about sexy. But yes I agree she should at least wear something for me around the house just for me. Maybe she will on our next date.


Here's the theme. Most women, unless they have the luxury of being gym rats or not enjoying food, after they age and have children gain some weight. Things are not as perky. Things look different, feel different. And since we all know women with cellulite aren't as valuable as women without....we shy away from wearing anything that might show more of our flawed and now inferior bodies. Of course, there is always that one person who will chime in at this point to tell the story of the woman who had 5 kids and is still a size two. Yippee - throw a parade. That isn't most of us.

So no, we don't wear thongs and corsets and babydolls....because we know we no longer "fit the bill."

Well....I say we. I still wear that stuff because my husband is ravenous for my body, curve, cellulite and all.

So if a woman isn't wearing them, it is because someone told her her body is no longer worthy of them. It could be her inner voice, her mother's voice, the media's voice, or her husband's voice.


----------



## Adelais

Tell her you found her lingerie bag in the closet, and that you'd love to see her wearing it all. (Don't tell her you know it is all too small.)

If she tells you that it is all too small, ask her why she hasn't gotten rid of it and suggest that she buy new items in the correct size so she can wear them.

It could be that it is all so pretty and in good condition, that she can't part with it, even though it is all too small. It might be more about the lingerie itself than the fact that she was in a relationship with someone else when she wore it.

Lingerie is expensive, and that could be the only reason she has kept it.


----------



## Yeswecan

Hank182 said:


> Couple reasons she does not wear them now. The items are all a size small, she now wears a medium. They are lingerie type things, we never got into that . I was always a sexy panty man! This was over 10 years ago we are at different places in our lives now. I love thongs on a woman, she use to wear them all the time. Couldn’t pay her to wear them now.


More the reason to throw these items away.


----------



## Hank182

twoofus said:


> MyRevelation said:
> 
> 
> 
> I concur.
> 
> They may not be relevant any longer, or she may have simply forgotten they were still in the closet, or they may be cherished memories ... whatever the reason, it's time for them to be trashed.
> 
> 
> 
> What is wrong with having cherished memories? There's enough negativity in the world with out smashing folks happy memories. Just because you were not there at the time does not make them trash. You do not own her soul.
Click to expand...

I have never said I want her to throw them away. The fact that she has them doest bother me one bit. I just found it a bit odd and thought I would ask to see what others thought.


----------



## Rowan

Araucaria said:


> Tell her you found her lingerie bag in the closet, and that you'd love to see her wearing it all. (Don't tell her you know it is all too small.)
> 
> If she tells you that it is all too small, ask her why she hasn't gotten rid of it and suggest that she buy new items in the correct size so she can wear them.
> 
> *It could be that it is all so pretty and in good condition, that she can't part with it, even though it is all too small. * It might be more about the lingerie itself than the fact that she was in a relationship with someone else when she wore it.
> 
> Lingerie is expensive, and that could be the only reason she has kept it.




There is an Italian-made silk sheath dress in a divine shade of deep plum, and a pre-vanity-sizing European couture size 6, hanging in my closet. It was the first truly beautiful, entirely frivolous, completely for me, thing I bought with my own money after I moved out of my parents home as a 17 year old university student. It is now a quarter of a century old. I haven't even been able to wear it - I mean, it's not even close - in_ at least_ 20 years. But you know what? I can't seem to get rid of it. I've moved house six times in those years, and I clean out my closets every time and many times in between. But I've never gotten rid of it. Because it's still beautiful. Because it's too fine to send to a thrift shop. And because every time I see it, it's a reminder that my 40-something, size 10, mom-bod sporting, self used to rock that gorgeous swath of absurdly expensive silk like a damned runway model. 

I'm not generally sentimental. Often quite the opposite, in fact. And yet, I still can't seem to part with that plum dress, even though I know I'll never wear it again.


----------



## Hank182

RoseAglow said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why do you think it makes me look emotional weak?
> 
> 
> 
> Wanting to put out clothes on the bed and asking why she still has these, even though she doesn't wear them, makes you look like you're worried about something. Specifically, based on your posts, you are worried that she has an emotional attachment to them, which implies she has an emotional attachment to an ex.
> 
> This is weak. Why would you be worried? How much confidence do you have if you are worried about old clothes stashed in a bag in the closet? Especially clothes, as now have learned, that don't fit her and haven't fit her.
> 
> Insecure and controlling men are not attractive to healthy women. This line of questioning and the assumptions behind it are insecure and controlling- both signs of weakness.
> 
> You say you don't care one way or the other but you're on a website asking people for ideas on what this might mean. This is just looking for trouble.
> 
> There are stronger men posting that they wouldn't blink at this. People with confidence in a good relationship wouldn't think twice on it. It is obvious that these clothes are not being worn for you- or anyone else at this point. What does it matter?
> 
> And I just have to LMAO at poster who think you have any right to tell her to throw out her own clothes. Pffffff. Weak as F.
> 
> 
> If you feel like you MUST say something, I again recommend following the advice of other posters. You can't ask her to wear them for you due to size but you can say you found them and love thinking about her and how great she looks in things like this and thongs, etc. Suggest getting some new stuff.
> 
> Make it happy and supportive and forward-looking, instead of weak, controlling, and backwards looking.
Click to expand...

The laying them out on the bed comment was a bad choice of words and a bad way of doing it I agree. Don’t think that’s what I had in mind when I said it. 
I have never said that her having them botherd me in anyway or that I feel she should throw them out. 
I simply wanted to know what others thought, manly women as to why a women would keep such things long after she had used them with someone else. It doesn’t bother me one bit that she used them with someone else or that she still has them. 
Asking on a forum may come accross as week or desperate but honestly I just wanted to see how others saw it. It’s good to bounce ideas off others sometimes.
“Controlling “ is the last word I would use to describe our relationship. 
I am not worried in the least that she has them nor do I expect her to throw them away. 
I simply found it odd that she would still has them after all these years and wanted “mainly other women’s opinion” on why she would still have them. 
In the end it doest matter one bit and trust me when I say this will not be an uncomfortable conversation for me or her.


----------



## Adelais

Rowan said:


> There is an Italian-made silk sheath dress in a divine shade of deep plum, and a pre-vanity-sizing European couture size 6, hanging in my closet. It was the first truly beautiful, entirely frivolous, completely for me, thing I bought with my own money after I moved out of my parents home as a 17 year old university student. It is now a quarter of a century old. I haven't even been able to wear it - I mean, it's not even close - in_ at least_ 20 years. But you know what? I can't seem to get rid of it. I've moved house six times in those years, and I clean out my closets every time and many times in between. But I've never gotten rid of it. Because it's still beautiful. *Because it's too fine to send to a thrift shop. * And because every time I see it, it's a reminder that my 40-something, size 10, mom-bod sporting, self used to rock that gorgeous swath of absurdly expensive silk like a damned runway model.
> 
> I'm not generally sentimental. Often quite the opposite, in fact. And yet, I still can't seem to part with that plum dress, even though I know I'll never wear it again.


(I'm not trying to pick a fight with my post.) 

Nothing is too fine to donate to a thrift shop, unless the thrift shop turns around and sells the items on e-bay for retail prices (which many do now to my chagrin.) As a thrift store shopper, it is wonderful to come across something beautiful and in good condition at a good price! Those are some of my favorite "treasures."

When I was single, and living abroad I purchased a couple of pairs of hand made Italian leather Gucci pumps with matching purses. After marrying and having 4 children, my feet grew 1/2 size, and the shoes no longer fit, although they were in like new condition because of the materials and workmanship. I didn't use the purses anymore either, because I had "graduated" to larger purses. I held onto them for a few more years because they were so beautiful and because of the memory of the days when I used to be able to afford and wear things like that.

One day I realized that if I kept them for too long, the leather would dry out (even though I still conditioned them once a year) and that no one would ever be able to use them.

I donated the to our local thrift shop, and it felt so good knowing that someone was going to be excited to buy them and wear them! 

Your beautiful silk dress will dry rot, if it hasn't already, and then no one will ever be able to wear it again. Imagine someone wearing it one more time while it is still in good condition!

(Having said that, I'm going to thin out my wardrobe...again! If only I could do that with books...!)


----------



## PigglyWiggly

personofinterest said:


> Here's the theme. Most women, unless they have the luxury of being gym rats or not enjoying food, after they age and have children gain some weight. Things are not as perky. Things look different, feel different. And since we all know women with cellulite aren't as valuable as women without....we shy away from wearing anything that might show more of our flawed and now inferior bodies. Of course, there is always that one person who will chime in at this point to tell the story of the woman who had 5 kids and is still a size two. Yippee - throw a parade. That isn't most of us.
> 
> So no, we don't wear thongs and corsets and babydolls....because we know we no longer "fit the bill."
> 
> *Well....I say we. I still wear that stuff because my husband is ravenous for my body, curve, cellulite and all.
> *
> So if a woman isn't wearing them, it is because someone told her her body is no longer worthy of them. It could be her inner voice, her mother's voice, the media's voice, or her husband's voice.


Thank you so much for acknowledging this, believing him and not discounting his attraction for you. I wish more women could enjoy what you seem to be by just believing their man when he says, "you are hot!!!".


----------



## SunCMars

I deleted the origiinal post....

I am having fun on some other persons expense account.

On the account that "I'm colorful" does not cut it. 

It was the size thing that I had mentioned earlier and discounted.
They being too small. That is a big factor.

It could be that she keeps them, as an incentive to lose weight.
Dunno...


And who the heck would buy used undergarments at a thrift store. 
Maybe some homeless lady having, sporting only her bare essentials.


----------



## sokillme

RoseAglow said:


> Wanting to put out clothes on the bed and asking why she still has these, even though she doesn't wear them, makes you look like you're worried about something. Specifically, based on your posts, you are worried that she has an emotional attachment to them, which implies she has an emotional attachment to an ex.
> 
> This is weak. Why would you be worried? How much confidence do you have if you are worried about old clothes stashed in a bag in the closet? Especially clothes, as now have learned, that don't fit her and haven't fit her.
> 
> Insecure and controlling men are not attractive to healthy women. This line of questioning and the assumptions behind it are insecure and controlling- both signs of weakness.
> 
> You say you don't care one way or the other but you're on a website asking people for ideas on what this might mean. This is just looking for trouble.
> 
> There are stronger men posting that they wouldn't blink at this. People with confidence in a good relationship wouldn't think twice on it. It is obvious that these clothes are not being worn for you- or anyone else at this point. What does it matter?
> 
> And I just have to LMAO at poster who think you have any right to tell her to throw out her own clothes. Pffffff. Weak as F.
> 
> 
> If you feel like you MUST say something, I again recommend following the advice of other posters. You can't ask her to wear them for you due to size but you can say you found them and love thinking about her and how great she looks in things like this and thongs, etc. Suggest getting some new stuff.
> 
> Make it happy and supportive and forward-looking, instead of weak, controlling, and backwards looking.


I agree that being accusatory is a bad tact to take, however, if this stuff was saved for a kind of sexual memento do you think that is fine?

I am kind of curious why you have made this about clothes or some kind of power thing. Would you feel the same way if he had a picture of on of his ex's in the same kind of lingerie? Would it be weak for her to ask him to get rid of it? I mean I think you are shaming him for reasonable questions. 

So I also don't agree with not talking about this. Talking about things in your marriage that you may have concerns about don't make you weak they make you strong, as long as you do it from a point of strength. If this is a sexual memento then he has a right to address it, just she would if it was the case. He is concerned about it, and in my mind he is not being unreasonable assuming she is as well she should be able to respond. Letting things like this fester in relationships are what leads to problems. All he has to do is ask her about it and see what she says. That's marriage. I mean she married him I would hope she shows him more courtesy that you are implying she would.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

That stuff is costly. I'm not throwing mine away unless they wear out or get damaged. Me wearing them with other men is no different than me wearing a shirt I liked on a date with someone else. I'm not getting rid of it all. 

And yes I have some that I will likely never wear again in my closet because I just might fit into again... wishful thinking.


----------



## MyRevelation

twoofus said:


> What is wrong with having cherished memories? There's enough negativity in the world with out smashing folks happy memories. Just because you were not there at the time does not make them trash. You do not own her soul.


No, but I would own half of the house and would have a say in what is kept there. Look, I know my W had others before me .... I did too, but I don't have mementos of exes sitting in a closet or saved on my laptop, and I would expect the same from her ... its called mutual respect of each other.

If she has no more respect for me than to keep mementos of lingerie that she wore only for another guy *10 fricken years ago* sitting openly in my/our closet, then I may not respect her property enough not to trash it. She might as well put a framed glossy of her young previous F-buddy bending her over the bed, sitting on your nightstand ... happy memories and all that, yanno? ... it may not be the same thing, but its a close parallel. Neither should have any place inside the home of a long time committed married couple.


----------



## MyRevelation

Hank182 said:


> I have never said I want her to throw them away. The fact that she has them doest bother me one bit. I just found it a bit odd and thought I would ask to see what others thought.


Come on, man ... be honest ... if it didn't bother you, you wouldn't be here asking about what others would do. It *IS ODD*, and I'd venture to say that most men see it that way and would ask her to get rid of them, and if there is any substance to her, she'll do it willingly and without resentment.


----------



## personofinterest

This is one of those situations where the items in the closet are items in the closet, and as to the rest......people are sure to see exactly what they are looking for.


----------



## RoseAglow

MyRevelation said:


> No, but I would own half of the house and would have a say in what is kept there. Look, I know my W had others before me .... I did too, but I don't have mementos of exes sitting in a closet or saved on my laptop, and I would expect the same from her ... its called mutual respect of each other.
> 
> If she has no more respect for me than to keep mementos of lingerie that she wore only for another guy *10 fricken years ago* sitting openly in my/our closet, then I may not respect her property enough not to trash it. She might as well put a framed glossy of her young previous F-buddy bending her over the bed, sitting on your nightstand ... happy memories and all that, yanno? ... it may not be the same thing, but its a close parallel. Neither should have any place inside the home of a long time committed married couple.


This is to you and @sokillme.

This is weak as F. It is ALL EGO. YOUR ego, to be specific. Who says it has anything to do with you? 

What are you afraid of? How is it "disrespectful" to keep old clothes in a bag in a closet? Yes, even if it was a ""sexual memento", although I sincerely doubt that is why it's there. It is VERY different from having a picture of a previous lover on your nightstand. Come on now. 


I still have pictures of me and old boyfriends. It has nothing to do with the boyfriends- it is me having some pics of myself when I was young and thin and cute. I was happy in the pics with those boyfriends- but the happiness isn't anywhere close to my experience and deep happiness with husband. My husband is a man and isn't threatened by these pictures. It's all ancient history and it has nothing to do with the present. 

Do you really not believe that your wife had happy and thrilling sexual experiences before you? Does it take away from your current happiness that she did? 

Are you so insecure that anything sexual from your wife's life before you is a threat, a sign of disrespect?

I mean, to each their own. Everyone can and should have the relationship they want. I am sure there are women who feel the same way- as in, it would bother the hell out of them- about husbands keeping old pictures or clothes or whatever. It is my opinion. I could not respect a man so fragile and afraid of being "disrespected".


----------



## PigglyWiggly

Hank, how bout asking her to wear an item or two for you. Sure they are from old times but you can make them new memories for you two. I've done this with some old love songs I shared in the past with others. I told my wife that i didn't listen to them because they reminded me of another person but I liked the songs so I'd like to make them memories referenced to her and discard the tag with my past lover. . "We" got a few new songs and I got some new memories that make me happy to reference. Just an idea that worked for us.


----------



## Mr. Nail

this question gets a whole lot trickier when she finds his bag of victoria's secret . . . .


----------



## Hank182

MyRevelation said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have never said I want her to throw them away. The fact that she has them doest bother me one bit. I just found it a bit odd and thought I would ask to see what others thought.
> 
> 
> 
> Come on, man ... be honest ... if it didn't bother you, you wouldn't be here asking about what others would do. It *IS ODD*, and I'd venture to say that most men see it that way and would ask her to get rid of them, and if there is any substance to her, she'll do it willingly and without resentment.
Click to expand...

Honestly why would her past sex life bother me? Most all of us have one beyond the person we are with. Her keeping them as momentous is only speculation by some on here and that could be what they are. Others have suggested other perfectly good reasons she may have kept them. That’s why I asked. That’s what a forum like this is for. Just because I get on here and ask what others think doesn’t mean I am worried or bothered by them. None of my ex’s past sex lives have ever bothered me. Guess I am just not a jealous person that way. As far as I know my previous sex life doesn’t bother her either.


----------



## Hank182

Mr. Nail said:


> this question gets a whole lot trickier when she finds his bag of victoria's secret . . . .


 You know I had a small panty collection from previous Girlfriends from before. Have no idea where they went. But you bring up a good point. What if I did have a bunch of sexy panties and lingerie from old girlfriends, is that any different?


----------



## sokillme

RoseAglow said:


> This is to you and @sokillme.
> 
> This is weak as F. It is ALL EGO. YOUR ego, to be specific. Who says it has anything to do with you?
> 
> What are you afraid of? How is it "disrespectful" to keep old clothes in a bag in a closet? Yes, even if it was a ""sexual memento", although I sincerely doubt that is why it's there. It is VERY different from having a picture of a previous lover on your nightstand. Come on now.
> 
> 
> I still have pictures of me and old boyfriends. It has nothing to do with the boyfriends- it is me having some pics of myself when I was young and thin and cute. I was happy in the pics with those boyfriends- but the happiness isn't anywhere close to my experience and deep happiness with husband. My husband is a man and isn't threatened by these pictures. It's all ancient history and it has nothing to do with the present.
> 
> Do you really not believe that your wife had happy and thrilling sexual experiences before you? Does it take away from your current happiness that she did?
> 
> Are you so insecure that anything sexual from your wife's life before you is a threat, a sign of disrespect?
> 
> I mean, to each their own. Everyone can and should have the relationship they want. I am sure there are women who feel the same way- as in, it would bother the hell out of them- about husbands keeping old pictures or clothes or whatever. It is my opinion. I could not respect a man so fragile and afraid of being "disrespected".


There is a difference between a standard picture and clothing that is specifically made for sex, this may (I say may) imply that it's kind of a memento and if that is the case I personally don't think that is good for the marriage. I didn't say anything about disrespect those are your words. I also didn't say anything about past boyfriends, if you read my first post I said everyone has past experiences. I don't care about my wife's sexual past before me but I would rather she would reminisce about it in her own head. Call me fragile all you want. 

Like you I would find it hard to be married to someone who thinks talking about this (which is all I advocated for) so threatening that they would lost respect for me. That would be a very hard person to be married to.


----------



## sokillme

Hank182 said:


> You know I had a small panty collection from previous Girlfriends from before. Have no idea where they went. But you bring up a good point. What if I did have a bunch of sexy panties and lingerie from old girlfriends, is that any different?


Nope not in my mind. Sexual mementos from ex's at least in my mind bring the past into the present.


----------



## Hank182

sokillme said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> You know I had a small panty collection from previous Girlfriends from before. Have no idea where they went. But you bring up a good point. What if I did have a bunch of sexy panties and lingerie from old girlfriends, is that any different?
> 
> 
> 
> Nope not in my mind. Sexual mementos from ex's at least in my mind bring the past into the present.
Click to expand...

And you are entitled to your opinion. Just thought I would throw it out there to see what others thought if the the shoe was on the other foot.


----------



## PigglyWiggly

Hank182 said:


> And you are entitled to your opinion. Just thought I would throw it out there to see what others thought if the the shoe was on the other foot.


When are you going to ask her about these items?


----------



## WorkingWife

Yeswecan said:


> Yeah...it's called hoarding. LOL


Exactly, LOL. Or a pack rat (my understanding is that a hoarder is actually aware of and attached to the things they keep.) I keep reading everyone's response of "she saved them all this time..." and I'm thinking, is she a compulsive closet cleaner who has thrown all other old things out? Have these items been moved from home to home? -- once something goes in my closet I never think about it again. I could "save" it for 50 years and not realize it. Someone else could throw it out and I would never know it or care.


----------



## Hank182

WorkingWife said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah...it's called hoarding. LOL
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly, LOL. Or a pack rat (my understanding is that a hoarder is actually aware of and attached to the things they keep.) I keep reading everyone's response of "she saved them all this time..." and I'm thinking, is she a compulsive closet cleaner who has thrown all other old things out? Have these items been moved from home to home? -- once something goes in my closet I never think about it again. I could "save" it for 50 years and not realize it. Someone else could throw it out and I would never know it or care.
Click to expand...

 Actually the items have been moved from one house to another and not sure where they where at for a while because honestly did not know about them until they showed up in her little keepsake bag in the corner of the closet. I think they may have been in a chest in the bedroom but she cleaned it out and kept what she wanted and threw out the rest. She is definitely not a hoarder.


----------



## Hank182

PigglyWiggly said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> And you are entitled to your opinion. Just thought I would throw it out there to see what others thought if the the shoe was on the other foot.
> 
> 
> 
> When are you going to ask her about these items?
Click to expand...

She will be home tomorrow so I am planning on it then unless she is really tired. Like I said before I don’t see it being a big deal for either of us. I honestly don’t care that she has them. I would just like to know why she still has them.


----------



## RoseAglow

sokillme said:


> There is a difference between a standard picture and clothing that is specifically made for sex, this may (I say may) imply that it's kind of a memento and if that is the case I personally don't think that is good for the marriage. I didn't say anything about disrespect those are your words. I also didn't say anything about past boyfriends, if you read my first post I said everyone has past experiences. I don't care about my wife's sexual past before me but I would rather she would reminisce about it in her own head. Call me fragile all you want.
> 
> Like you I would find it hard to be married to someone who thinks talking about this (which is all I advocated for) so threatening that they would lost respect for me. That would be a very hard person to be married to.


Happily for us both, we are married to people who are suitable for us. 

As a general rule, the best way to have your wife think about past lovers is to bring them up and question her about them. It's like the Pink Elephant rule. 

The statement on pictures and respect was to the other poster, and quite a few posters on the thread who feel that the wife just having the lingerie is highly disrespectful- and even equivalent to pics of the wife in sexual poses with the ex. I gave my opinion. I also know that others feel differently. 

I have twice given suggestions on how the OP might opt to talk about this with his wife, if he feels he must. If he feels like he really wants to talk l think it will go better if he is forward-thinking and not accusatory. He says that he and his wife have frequent, good communication and that he doesn't think it will a difficult discussion. He agreed that his earlier, more aggressive language like laying it out on the bed, was not really what he meant and not what he would do. That's a good sign.

It's interesting to ask whether it would be different if this was about a man having a collection of panties from past lovers. Obviously, it would be different. Heck, it would be different on this thread if the OP said that the ex was a lesbian, that his wife had been in a 15 year relationship with this woman, and that the lingerie was always and only ever worn by the ex lover. That would be a totally different story.

Having nice clothes, even lingerie, that I once wore when I was young and super thin and cute! Yes, I might keep that for my own keepsake. Having items that your ex lover wore which really have nothing to do with you, then it is being kept for different purposes. 

OP, I hope you come back and tell us how it went!


----------



## sokillme

RoseAglow said:


> Happily for us both, we are married to people who are suitable for us.
> 
> As a general rule, the best way to have your wife think about past lovers is to bring them up and question her about them. It's like the Pink Elephant rule.


Unless she has a hidden bag full of unmentionables in her closet, that she used to wear when they were screwing, that she likes to look at occasionally and reminisce. In that case I don't think she cares much about what he thinks. 




RoseAglow said:


> I have twice given suggestions on how the OP might opt to talk about this with his wife, if he feels he must. If he feels like he really wants to talk l think it will go better if he is forward-thinking and not accusatory. He says that he and his wife have frequent, good communication and that he doesn't think it will a difficult discussion. He agreed that his earlier, more aggressive language like laying it out on the bed, was not really what he meant and not what he would do. That's a good sign.
> 
> It's interesting to ask whether it would be different if this was about a man having a collection of panties from past lovers. Obviously, it would be different. Heck, it would be different on this thread if the OP said that the ex was a lesbian, that his wife had been in a 15 year relationship with this woman, and that the lingerie was always and only ever worn by the ex lover. That would be a totally different story.
> 
> Having nice clothes, even lingerie, that I once wore when I was young and super thin and cute! Yes, I might keep that for my own keepsake.


Which if you read my first post -second in this thread- is pretty much exactly what I said. Not sure where insulting my ego comes into play. It may be the case that it's really just she like to look back at how she could pull the stuff off. 

However you can't dismiss entirely (like you seem to want to do) that it's a keepsake from the old relationship which is of a sexual nature. That kind of thing is harmful to a relationship, which is why it's good to talk about it. Doesn't make him fragile, even if it has the potential to hurt his feelings. Makes him strong and the marriage strong.


----------



## EleGirl

Hank182 said:


> You know I had a small panty collection from previous Girlfriends from before. Have no idea where they went. But you bring up a good point. What if I did have a bunch of sexy panties and lingerie from old girlfriends, is that any different?


Yea, it's different. The sexy panties and lingerie belonged to your old girlfriends, not to you. They wore them, not you.

I have a container full of sexy things... going back 30 years or more. Why? Well the I just not bothered to toss it all. It's not causing me any problems so why spend time on it?


----------



## Hope Shimmers

Hank182 said:


> You know I had a small panty collection from previous Girlfriends from before. Have no idea where they went. But you bring up a good point. What if I did have a bunch of sexy panties and lingerie from old girlfriends, is that any different?


Depends on actually whether you wear them or not.


----------



## personofinterest

Hank182 said:


> Mr. Nail said:
> 
> 
> 
> this question gets a whole lot trickier when she finds his bag of victoria's secret . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> You know I had a small panty collection from previous Girlfriends from before. Have no idea where they went. But you bring up a good point. What if I did have a bunch of sexy panties and lingerie from old girlfriends, is that any different?
Click to expand...

 I think it would probably depend. Are these panties in packages with tags on them that have probably never been worn, or are these panties stained where the your semen and her fluids question heart honestly, I could care less if I found a bag of panties in my husband's closet. Once I realized they were dirty I would probably just toss them and laugh. But I think we can distinguish between brand new lingerie that still in a bag hanging in the closet and smelly fluid stained panties. However, the fact that you are asking this comparison lets me know that this isn't simple curiosity on your part. The lingerie does bother you.


----------



## Hank182

RoseAglow said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> 
> There is a difference between a standard picture and clothing that is specifically made for sex, this may (I say may) imply that it's kind of a memento and if that is the case I personally don't think that is good for the marriage. I didn't say anything about disrespect those are your words. I also didn't say anything about past boyfriends, if you read my first post I said everyone has past experiences. I don't care about my wife's sexual past before me but I would rather she would reminisce about it in her own head. Call me fragile all you want.
> 
> Like you I would find it hard to be married to someone who thinks talking about this (which is all I advocated for) so threatening that they would lost respect for me. That would be a very hard person to be married to.
> 
> 
> 
> Happily for us both, we are married to people who are suitable for us. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/wink.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Wink" ></a>
> 
> As a general rule, the best way to have your wife think about past lovers is to bring them up and question her about them. It's like the Pink Elephant rule.
> 
> The statement on pictures and respect was to the other poster, and quite a few posters on the thread who feel that the wife just having the lingerie is highly disrespectful- and even equivalent to pics of the wife in sexual poses with the ex. I gave my opinion. I also know that others feel differently.
> 
> I have twice given suggestions on how the OP might opt to talk about this with his wife, if he feels he must. If he feels like he really wants to talk l think it will go better if he is forward-thinking and not accusatory. He says that he and his wife have frequent, good communication and that he doesn't think it will a difficult discussion. He agreed that his earlier, more aggressive language like laying it out on the bed, was not really what he meant and not what he would do. That's a good sign.
> 
> It's interesting to ask whether it would be different if this was about a man having a collection of panties from past lovers. Obviously, it would be different. Heck, it would be different on this thread if the OP said that the ex was a lesbian, that his wife had been in a 15 year relationship with this woman, and that the lingerie was always and only ever worn by the ex lover. That would be a totally different story.
> 
> Having nice clothes, even lingerie, that I once wore when I was young and super thin and cute! Yes, I might keep that for my own keepsake. Having items that your ex lover wore which really have nothing to do with you, then it is being kept for different purposes.
> 
> OP, I hope you come back and tell us how it went!
Click to expand...

 Absolutely I will let you know how it went. Communicating via a chat forum is harder for me than some others in that I don’t don’t always explain everything in enough detail. I gave the impression that I was worried about why my wife was keeping this things. Honestly I don’t care she has them and she knows that even before I ask her. I simply wanted to know what others thought about it. I knew the answers would be all over the place as they where. I was kinda shocked when I was attacked or accused of being contour very insecure because that simple is not anywhere near who we are.


----------



## dadstartingover

This post illustrates a deep fear a lot of men have. "She was free to express a part of her sexuality with other men that she doesn't express with me." Which then snowballs into, "I don't turn her on like that OTHER guy did." Which then further snowballs into, "She's settling for me. This entire relationship is a lie."

A lot of women just don't GET this fear and usually shame men for having it. 

I get it. But in this case... meh... I wouldn't give a sh*t. I don't see the problem. I'd ask her to model them.


----------



## personofinterest

dadstartingover said:


> This post illustrates a deep fear a lot of men have. "She was free to express a part of her sexuality with other men that she doesn't express with me." Which then snowballs into, "I don't turn her on like that OTHER guy did." Which then further snowballs into, "She's settling for me. This entire relationship is a lie."
> 
> A lot of women just don't GET this fear and usually shame men for having it.
> 
> I get it. But in this case... meh... I wouldn't give a sh*t. I don't see the problem. I'd ask her to model them.


So can you point me to where the OP has actually said his wife doesn't have sex with him or isn't turned on by him, etc.?


----------



## Adelais

SunCMars said:


> And who the heck would buy used undergarments at a thrift store.
> Maybe some homeless lady having, sporting only her bare essentials.


 Even though neither you nor I would buy used panties, many people would buy lightly used "fancy or sexy" undergarments from thrift stores. Most people own soap and washing machines, which they should use no matter what clothes items they purchase used.

Growing up, my parents had the idea that thrift stores were only frequented by the down and out, or homeless. My mother never set foot in a thrift store. I thought the same thing.

Then I met a person who had 5 kids and they all dressed very well. I went shopping with her one day and she took me to her favorite thrift stores. I was amazed at the "like new" and cute things she found for her children, herself and her husband. She even bought something that was clearly dirty, because she said she could wash it at home. It was an expensive "OshKosh" brand and she paid only a couple of dollars for it.

That was a real eye opener and life changer day for me.


----------



## personofinterest

Araucaria said:


> Even though neither you nor I would buy used panties, many people would buy lightly used "fancy or sexy" undergarments from thrift stores. Most people own soap and washing machines, which they should use no matter what clothes items they purchase used.
> 
> Growing up, my parents had the idea that thrift stores were only frequented by the down and out, or homeless. My mother never set foot in a thrift store. I thought the same thing.
> 
> Then I met a person who had 5 kids and they all dressed very well. I went shopping with her one day and she took me to her favorite thrift stores. I was amazed at the "like new" and cute things she found for her children, herself and her husband. She even bought something that was clearly dirty, because she said she could wash it at home. It was an expensive "OshKosh" brand and she paid only a couple of dollars for it.
> 
> That was a real eye opener and life changer day for me.


Once when I needed "business professional" for an interview (I had never interviewed in the corporate world), I bought a nice suit for 7.00 at a thrift store! I got offered the job but didn't take it because something more in my field came up.

But I don't think I could wear used panties. However, that's just me. I know some people do, and washing machines and bleach probably work just fine.


----------



## SunCMars

Araucaria said:


> Even though neither you nor I would buy used panties, many people would buy lightly used "fancy or sexy" undergarments from thrift stores. Most people own soap and washing machines, which they should use no matter what clothes items they purchase used.
> 
> Growing up, my parents had the idea that thrift stores were only frequented by the down and out, or homeless. My mother never set foot in a thrift store. I thought the same thing.
> 
> Then I met a person who had 5 kids and they all dressed very well. I went shopping with her one day and she took me to her favorite thrift stores. I was amazed at the "like new" and cute things she found for her children, herself and her husband. She even bought something that was clearly dirty, because she said she could wash it at home. It was an expensive "OshKosh" brand and she paid only a couple of dollars for it.
> 
> That was a real eye opener and life changer day for me.


Yes, some of my favorite camping and fishing clothes come from thrift stores.

Shhh. Don' tell anyone!!


----------



## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> Yea, it's different. The sexy panties and lingerie belonged to your old girlfriends, not to you. They wore them, not you.
> 
> I have a container full of sexy things... going back 30 years or more. Why? Well the I just not bothered to toss it all. It's not causing me any problems so why spend time on it?


See that makes sense but OP makes it seem like this stuff was isolated and in it's own bag and that she had thrown away other stuff that she had when she was with him. All that begs the question what makes this stuff different. It may be as innocent as she forgot she had it. What's the big deal with asking.


----------



## sokillme

dadstartingover said:


> This post illustrates a deep fear a lot of men have. "She was free to express a part of her sexuality with other men that she doesn't express with me." Which then snowballs into, "I don't turn her on like that OTHER guy did." Which then further snowballs into, "She's settling for me. This entire relationship is a lie."
> 
> A lot of women just don't GET this fear and usually shame men for having it.
> 
> I get it. But in this case... meh... I wouldn't give a sh*t. I don't see the problem. I'd ask her to model them.


To me this is no different then the fear of (is she prettier then me) that women have. Same exact thing. No one is immune man or women.


----------



## Hank182

sokillme said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yea, it's different. The sexy panties and lingerie belonged to your old girlfriends, not to you. They wore them, not you.
> 
> I have a container full of sexy things... going back 30 years or more. Why? Well the I just not bothered to toss it all. It's not causing me any problems so why spend time on it?
> 
> 
> 
> See that makes sense but OP makes it seem like this stuff was isolated and in it's own bag and that she had thrown away other stuff that she had when she was with him. All that begs the question what makes this stuff different. It may be as innocent as she forgot she had it. What's the big deal with asking.
Click to expand...

That is correct, the lingerie is in a bag with a few other keepsakes from her past that has been put up intentionally. Yes I have bought her other stuff that she has thrown away.


----------



## RoseAglow

sokillme said:


> However you can't dismiss entirely (like you seem to want to do) that it's a keepsake from the old relationship which is of a sexual nature. That kind of thing is harmful to a relationship, which is why it's good to talk about it. Doesn't make him fragile, even if it has the potential to hurt his feelings. Makes him strong and the marriage strong.


Hey, I can totally dismiss this lingerie stuff entirely. That's your hang-up, not mine. There are men on this forum posting that this wouldn't phase them at all. Your mileage varies, as would be expected on a public forum.


----------



## personofinterest

The original poster's shift from self reported mere curiosity to being more and more bothered is an interesting study in sociology. Either he was not merely curious to begin with, or the implications in some of the posts that she pines over her past lovers or maybe is in contact with them or all those other predictable things has changed his mind. If it is the latter, one wonders what will be gained in his marriage by creating suspicion.


----------



## Hank182

personofinterest said:


> The original poster's shift from self reported mere curiosity to being more and more bothered is an interesting study in sociology. Either he was not merely curious to begin with, or the implications in some of the posts that she pines over her past lovers or maybe is in contact with them or all those other predictable things has changed his mind. If it is the latter, one wonders what will be gained in his marriage by creating suspicion.


Nowhere have I said that her having them bothers me. I simply wanted to put it out there to see what others might think of the situation. Trust me her having them does not bother me one bit.


----------



## personofinterest

In that case I totally misread you. My apologies. You seem like a pretty rational individual. Just guard against letting whispers of cheaters everywhere impacting your view Of your wife when there is no need.


----------



## azimuth

Hank182 said:


> Me and my wife have been married for over 10 years. We had both recently divorced a couple years prior to meeting. Not long after we meet she told me about a couple FWB she had, nothing serious just a meet up and hook up type thing. Honestly it never really bothered me. One guy she hooked up with for about a year and the other not all that long. I never really thought much of it until I got to looking around in the closet for something and found a bag full of lingerie. Stuff I had never seen before *and actually asked her about it however she just played it off and I let it go*. Finally I decided to go check it out more closely. It’s all Victoria Secret stuff with garment tags dated to the year before we meet. Seeing how I don’t remember any of it and it’s tags are dated a year before we meet looks like it’s stuff she wore during her hookups with this other guy. Obviously he seems to be more than just a hookup? They never went out on dates. He was basically a BoyToy.
> After 10 years of marriage she has had several opportunities to through them away but choose to keep them. What do think?


You’ve already asked her about it?


----------



## RoseAglow

dadstartingover said:


> This post illustrates a deep fear a lot of men have. *"She was free to express a part of her sexuality with other men that she doesn't express with me." Which then snowballs into, "I don't turn her on like that OTHER guy did." Which then further snowballs into, "She's settling for me. This entire relationship is a lie."*
> 
> A lot of women just don't GET this fear and usually shame men for having it.
> 
> I get it. But in this case... meh... I wouldn't give a sh*t. I don't see the problem. I'd ask her to model them.


Thank you for this post. The bold is exactly what I was referring to when I said that the questioning showed emotional weakness and insecurity. The above post explained it much better than I did. 


When the OP said he was planning on laying the bag on the bed to get to the bottom of it, he sounded a lot like a guy who was afraid that the lingerie might be sexual memento and he needed to get to the bottom of it. It might be threatening. As quite a few posters have pointed out, there are a lot of men who would consider just having this in the house disrespectful, a sign of past pleasures, something that should be thrown out. 

After additional posts, it seems to me that @Hank182 is more curious. He doesn't seem threatened by it and has said that regardless he won't be asking her to throw them out. I looked back and missed it originally but in post 3 he says that he "enjoys" the idea of it being a memento of sexy times, even before him. So that to me is the exact opposite of someone who is insecure and fearful. He says that it will not be a difficult conversation. It seems like he is just truly interested in his wife's reasons and is not looking backward to feed his insecurities. I hope the talk goes well!


----------



## MAJDEATH

I have had friends who were previously married and the new W has wanted them to sell their house because it was "her" house.


----------



## personofinterest

MAJDEATH said:


> I have had friends who were previously married and the new W has wanted them to sell their house because it was "her" house.


 I flatly call that stupid.


----------



## Hank182

personofinterest said:


> In that case I totally misread you. My apologies. You seem like a pretty rational individual. Just guard against letting whispers of cheaters everywhere impacting your view Of your wife when there is no need.


No need to apologize, like I have said, I don’t really communicate what I am trying to say on a platform like this. I 100% realize everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to it. I am perfectly ok with others opinions not matching mine. But I do like to bounce things off others to get a different view of it.


----------



## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> Yea, it's different. The sexy panties and lingerie belonged to your old girlfriends, not to you. They wore them, not you.
> 
> I have a container full of sexy things... going back 30 years or more. Why? Well the I just not bothered to toss it all. It's not causing me any problems so why spend time on it?


I think it may be different, but not necessarily. It may be the same though too. He has it to remember the girls he had sex with and how those girls made him feel. 

She may have hers because she forgot about it, or she likes to remember that there was a time she could look that sexy. (Not the same). For me that would be fine. 

However, and this is where I think some of you folks who think it can't possibly be a big deal are wrong, she may have it also because she likes to remember how sexy she felt and how that guy made her feel. In that case it's exactly the same thing. Personally I get that those feelings are going to be there for everyone, but saving specific clothing to help relive the memories would be a problem for me. Same with the panties. It's no different. Call me insecure if you want. None of the people complaining about this take with her panties seem really cool with the ones he said he kept, and I think it could be for the same reasons. 

That is the point of talking about it. 

Also some people may not care if it's the latter reason but if that is the case then they shouldn't care if he has the panties also.


----------



## sokillme

Hank182 said:


> That is correct, the lingerie is in a bag with a few other keepsakes from her past that has been put up intentionally. Yes I have bought her other stuff that she has thrown away.


Is there other stuff besides lingerie in there? Stuff that isn't sex related?


----------



## Tiggy!

sokillme said:


> I think it may be different, but not necessarily. It may be the same though too. He has it to remember the girls he had sex with and how those girls made him feel.
> 
> She may have hers because she forgot about it, or she likes to remember that there was a time she could look that sexy. (Not the same). For me that would be fine.
> 
> However, and this is where I think some of you folks who think it can't possibly be a big deal are wrong, she may have it also because she likes to remember how sexy she felt and how that guy made her feel. In that case it's exactly the same thing. Personally I get that those feelings are going to be there for everyone, but saving specific clothing to help relive the memories would be a problem for me. Same with the panties. It's no different. Call me insecure if you want. *None of the people complaining about this take with her panties seem really cool with the ones he said he kept, and I think it could be for the same reasons.
> 
> *That is the point of talking about it.
> 
> Also some people may not care if it's the latter reason but if that is the case then they shouldn't care if he has the panties also.


If my husband had a bag of boxers from before we were together I wouldn't care.


----------



## sokillme

Tiggy! said:


> If my husband had a bag of boxers from before we were together I wouldn't care.


He kept panties from his ex girlfriends, you cool with that?


----------



## Hank182

sokillme said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yea, it's different. The sexy panties and lingerie belonged to your old girlfriends, not to you. They wore them, not you.
> 
> I have a container full of sexy things... going back 30 years or more. Why? Well the I just not bothered to toss it all. It's not causing me any problems so why spend time on it?
> 
> 
> 
> I think it may be different, but not necessarily. It may be the same though too. He has it to remember the girls he had sex with and how those girls made him feel.
> 
> She may have hers because she forgot about it, or she likes to remember that there was a time she could look that sexy. (Not the same). For me that would be fine.
> 
> However, and this is where I think some of you folks who think it can't possibly be a big deal are wrong, she may have it also because she likes to remember how sexy she felt and how that guy made her feel. In that case it's exactly the same thing. Personally I get that those feelings are going to be there for everyone, but saving specific clothing to help relive the memories would be a problem for me. Same with the panties. It's no different. Call me insecure if you want. None of the people complaining about this take with her panties seem really cool with the ones he said he kept, and I think it could be for the same reasons.
> 
> That is the point of talking about it.
> 
> Also some people may not care if it's the latter reason but if that is the case then they shouldn't care if he has the panties also.
Click to expand...

That’s what I was trying to say when I asked that question if the shoe was on the other foot. Obviously that would bother some people. Still if that was the reason , I would still be ok with it.


----------



## Hank182

sokillme said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That is correct, the lingerie is in a bag with a few other keepsakes from her past that has been put up intentionally. Yes I have bought her other stuff that she has thrown away.
> 
> 
> 
> Is there other stuff besides lingerie in there? Stuff that isn't sex related?
Click to expand...

Pretty sure a few things from her 1st marriage but I’m not sure. I will find out when I ask her. The bag has some sentimental value I think as well because it come with something I bought her.


----------



## Tiggy!

sokillme said:


> He kept panties from his ex girlfriends, you cool with that?


Nope, but the OP's wife didn't keep ex boyfriends boxers so that's comparing apples to oranges.


----------



## WorkingWife

Hank182 said:


> Absolutely I will let you know how it went. Communicating via a chat forum is harder for me than some others in that I don’t don’t always explain everything in enough detail. I gave the impression that I was worried about why my wife was keeping this things. Honestly I don’t care she has them and she knows that even before I ask her. I simply wanted to know what others thought about it. I knew the answers would be all over the place as they where. I was kinda shocked when I was attacked or accused of being contour very insecure because that simple is not anywhere near who we are.


I am with you here. Sometimes I encounter a situation and it does not bother me at all but I am interested in it and curious about how others perceive it, and what better place to get a variety of objective opinions than an on-line forum? Well, as objective as individual humans are able to be.

What I'm curious about regarding the undies is that they still have tags on them and she keeps them but does not wear them. The tags suggest they have never been worn. So why keep but not wear them? My guess would be a memento/keepsake. Or they no longer would fit. If she was married before maybe even from a bachelorette party and not from a guy. But if they're from a guy, the fact that she keeps them still doesn't really mean much. I have mementos from my first boyfriend that I would never throw out -- but I also would never want to be in a relationship with him at this point in my life. 

Some people also have trouble tossing things of value even if they don't want them. I recently took some reusable plastic water bottles and coffee cups from a teacher friend whose students had given them to her -- she had too many but could not bring herself to throw them away because they were gifts and in good shape. (I tossed them after I left. ;-) )

It could be so many thing... Now I too must know why she has kept them, LOL!

PS one other thing about lingerie - this wasn't something I thought about when I was younger but at this point I don't think I would wear lingerie acquired for an old relationship with someone else in a new relationship. It just seems like that sexy stuff should be special, bought with my current love in mind and not used with someone else.


----------



## WorkingWife

dadstartingover said:


> This post illustrates a deep fear a lot of men have. "She was free to express a part of her sexuality with other men that she doesn't express with me." Which then snowballs into, "I don't turn her on like that OTHER guy did." Which then further snowballs into, "She's settling for me. This entire relationship is a lie."
> 
> A lot of women just don't GET this fear and usually shame men for having it.


FWIW, as a woman I have that same fear - if I'm with a man who is not that passionate with me but there are signs he was with exes.


----------



## sokillme

Tiggy! said:


> Nope, but the OP's wife didn't keep ex boyfriends boxers so that's comparing apples to oranges.


I think that depends on the motive for keeping them as explained in my other post.


----------



## sokillme

Hank182 said:


> Pretty sure a few things from her 1st marriage but I’m not sure. I will find out when I ask her. The bag has some sentimental value I think as well because it come with something I bought her.


This is hard because it really could just be about how she thinks she was really looking good at that time. Like if you owned a tux and couldn't fit into it anymore you might keep it because you had a custom tux once. I have stuff like that in my closet. It's mostly for the novelty of the whole thing. I don't think talking about it could hurt your marriage it may help it. 

For instance she may say, "I like to think about how good I looked", and if you feel this way you could say "I don't see you any different". I know I feel that way about my wife. I intellectually can tell that she has aged since we met 17 years ago, but in my emotional mind she looks exactly the same. I think that is because I love her, so whenever she feels down about whatever new indignity age has brought to her I tell her the truth, she looks the same to me. 

Again I don't think difficult talks are bad for marriage if your hearts in the right place I think they are like glue for marriage.


----------



## personofinterest

> I know I feel that way about my wife. I intellectually can tell that she has aged since we met 17 years ago, but in my emotional mind she looks exactly the same. I think that is because I love her, so whenever she feels down about whatever new indignity age has brought to her I tell her the truth, she looks the same to me.


This made me smile


----------



## Hank182

WorkingWife said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Absolutely I will let you know how it went. Communicating via a chat forum is harder for me than some others in that I don’t don’t always explain everything in enough detail. I gave the impression that I was worried about why my wife was keeping this things. Honestly I don’t care she has them and she knows that even before I ask her. I simply wanted to know what others thought about it. I knew the answers would be all over the place as they where. I was kinda shocked when I was attacked or accused of being contour very insecure because that simple is not anywhere near who we are.
> 
> 
> 
> I am with you here. Sometimes I encounter a situation and it does not bother me at all but I am interested in it and curious about how others perceive it, and what better place to get a variety of objective opinions than an on-line forum? Well, as objective as individual humans are able to be.
> 
> What I'm curious about regarding the undies is that they still have tags on them and she keeps them but does not wear them. The tags suggest they have never been worn. So why keep but not wear them? My guess would be a memento/keepsake. Or they no longer would fit. If she was married before maybe even from a bachelorette party and not from a guy. But if they're from a guy, the fact that she keeps them still doesn't really mean much. I have mementos from my first boyfriend that I would never throw out -- but I also would never want to be in a relationship with him at this point in my life.
> 
> Some people also have trouble tossing things of value even if they don't want them. I recently took some reusable plastic water bottles and coffee cups from a teacher friend whose students had given them to her -- she had too many but could not bring herself to throw them away because they were gifts and in good shape. (I tossed them after I left. 😉 )
> 
> It could be so many thing... Now I too must know why she has kept them, LOL!
> 
> PS one other thing about lingerie - this wasn't something I thought about when I was younger but at this point I don't think I would wear lingerie acquired for an old relationship with someone else in a new relationship. It just seems like that sexy stuff should be special, bought with my current love in mind and not used with someone else.
Click to expand...

When I say tags I mean the garment tags that give info on how to wash them, type of material and all. Part of the information on them is the month and year they where made. I know that my wife did not wear them with me and based on the dates “which are about a year to little over before we meet” they are not from a previous marriage. However I do think they are a few things in the bag that could be. Honestly it does not bother me one bit that she has them for whatever reason she is keeping them. I could care less. Being as open as she has about her past it just struck me a bit odd that she still has them. Thought I would ask to see what others think. In the end it makes no difference to me why she has them.


----------



## personofinterest

> When I say tags I mean the garment tags that give info on how to wash them


You mean the fabric tags inside of clothing? I don't think most people actually remove those, do they?


----------



## Hank182

personofinterest said:


> When I say tags I mean the garment tags that give info on how to wash them
> 
> 
> 
> You mean the fabric tags inside of clothing? I don't think most people actually remove those, do they?
Click to expand...

 No they are still there.


----------



## azimuth

In your OP you said you’ve already asked her about them in the past and she blew it off. Why do you think this answer is going to be any different? She might get pissed you’re asking again.


----------



## Hank182

azimuth said:


> In your OP you said you’ve already asked her about them in the past and she blew it off. Why do you think this answer is going to be any different? She might get pissed you’re asking again.


We where in a hurry going somewhere and she sidestepped it. She is good at doing that. I knew the stuff I saw didn’t belong to us but like I said it wasn’t a big deal to me. But laying around the other day while she was gone on business I remembered it and went to take a more in-depth look at what was in there. That’s when I started doing a little detective work and really thinking about what was in there. 
No she won’t be pissed by my asking. We don’t have that kind of relationship.


----------



## WorkingWife

Hank182 said:


> When I say tags I mean the garment tags that give info on how to wash them, type of material and all. Part of the information on them is the month and year they where made. I know that my wife did not wear them with me and based on the dates “which are about a year to little over before we meet” they are not from a previous marriage. However I do think they are a few things in the bag that could be. Honestly it does not bother me one bit that she has them for whatever reason she is keeping them. I could care less. Being as open as she has about her past it just struck me a bit odd that she still has them. Thought I would ask to see what others think. In the end it makes no difference to me why she has them.


That's right. I read that before and forgot and was thinking price tags. Well let us know what you find out. You're probably half sorry you even brought it up on here at this point, LOL.


----------



## Hank182

WorkingWife said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> When I say tags I mean the garment tags that give info on how to wash them, type of material and all. Part of the information on them is the month and year they where made. I know that my wife did not wear them with me and based on the dates “which are about a year to little over before we meet” they are not from a previous marriage. However I do think they are a few things in the bag that could be. Honestly it does not bother me one bit that she has them for whatever reason she is keeping them. I could care less. Being as open as she has about her past it just struck me a bit odd that she still has them. Thought I would ask to see what others think. In the end it makes no difference to me why she has them.
> 
> 
> 
> That's right. I read that before and forgot and was thinking price tags. Well let us know what you find out. You're probably half sorry you even brought it up on here at this point, LOL.
Click to expand...

Nah, actually got some ideas that I didn’t have. I was surprised by being accused of being controlling husband. As I said I am not the best at communicating the entire picture so I can understand that. I am not easily offended.


----------



## 2ntnuf

I don't know what happened in this thread. However, a few things came to mind. 

Would women wear hand me down lingerie? I doubt it. 

I would not want my wife to use it to entice me. I'd rather she purchased new.(divorced presently)

Don't think you said she does that, but it was on my mind.

So, why would she keep the old stuff? Sentimental reasons. 

Women I know, not all, because I don't know all the women from my area. Let's say both of my wives. They would get furious, if I kept a picture of some woman they did not know. I don't mean a risqué picture. I mean a normal picture of her with her children and me and mine all together or something fairly innocuous. 

What I am guessing is, men and women don't understand each other. 

Best to get rid of that stuff. Get new. Make new memories. Holding onto the old stuff is just asking for trouble. The past is gone. All we have is this moment.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

2ntnuf said:


> What I am guessing is, men and women don't understand each other.


 That about sums it up ... and so MUCH more.


----------



## personofinterest

Rubix Cubed said:


> 2ntnuf said:
> 
> 
> 
> What I am guessing is, men and women don't understand each other.
> 
> 
> 
> That about sums it up ... and so MUCH more.
Click to expand...

 I definitely think there is some truth to this period and you know what? It's OK. We don't have to understand everything about each other, and it doesn't make either person right or wrong.

We need to share this idea that if I don't understand it or I wouldn't do it, it must therefore be wrong.


----------



## Personal

2ntnuf said:


> I don't know what happened in this thread. However, a few things came to mind.
> 
> Would women wear hand me down lingerie? I doubt it.
> 
> I would not want my wife to use it to entice me. I'd rather she purchased new.(divorced presently)
> 
> Don't think you said she does that, but it was on my mind.
> 
> So, why would she keep the old stuff? Sentimental reasons.
> 
> Women I know, not all, because I don't know all the women from my area. Let's say both of my wives. They would get furious, if I kept a picture of some woman they did not know. I don't mean a risqué picture. I mean a normal picture of her with her children and me and mine all together or something fairly innocuous.
> 
> What I am guessing is, men and women don't understand each other.
> 
> Best to get rid of that stuff. Get new. Make new memories. Holding onto the old stuff is just asking for trouble. The past is gone. All we have is this moment.


In my experience some erotic phoytography and nude life drawing models, wear hand me down lingerie from a box of such things when asked to.

As far as I am aware my wife hasn't worn hand-me-down underwear. Yet she's not opposed to the idea at all, she often wears vintage clothing so to her it isn't a big deal.

I couldn't care less if a woman I am with, chooses to keep or wear lingerie/underwear or any other clothing that they have worn while in a sexual relationship with someone else. Even if they've worn it while having sex with someone else previously, inclusive of wearing it or not wearing it when having sex with me.

It has never bothered me that my wife has some clothing she has worn with a previous sexual partner.

My wife and I also have some stuff related to previous partners, some photos, some jewellery (including my first wedding ring), gifts, notes and the like.

I also have some clothes in a bag, that I wore before I met my wife and in our early days of dating, that I will keep unless I become homeless,

Neither of us care about the other having that stuff. We are entitled to our own memories, and not entitled to demand the other give up such things. I don't feel threatened by her past at all, and have no insecure va-clang making tendencies. We both had lives before each other and as lovers of history, having a past and cherishing such memories is perfectly reasonable behaviour.

As to men and women not understanding each other, that's easily resolved through talking.


----------



## jlg07

@Hank182, so is your wife back? Have you asked her yet?


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> We need to share this idea that if I don't understand it or I wouldn't do it, it must therefore be wrong.


This so true and I would like to add, we need to have empathy for each other even if you don't get it emotionally. Then beyond that we need to acknowledge we have different needs and wants and assuming they are reasonable, if you want to have a good marriage you should try to provide for those needs for your spouse, if you can. All of that comes with empathy.


----------



## MapMan

Don't let anyone shame you about how you naturally feel. She's keeping a sexual memento from another man right there in your own house. You have every right to be upset. I'm sure if your wife found photos of an old girlfriend everyone would agree with her if she were upset. This is even worse to a man, because it's sexual. You have every right to have your feelings and to tell you. Do not feel bad about saying it. She will complain, but deep down she knows it's wrong. You can even say you would like her to throw it out. She can do what she wants after that.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Personal said:


> In my experience some erotic phoytography and nude life drawing models, wear hand me down lingerie from a box of such things when asked to.
> 
> As far as I am aware my wife hasn't worn hand-me-down underwear. Yet she's not opposed to the idea at all, she often wears vintage clothing so to her it isn't a big deal.
> 
> I couldn't care less if a woman I am with, chooses to keep or wear lingerie/underwear or any other clothing that they have worn while in a sexual relationship with someone else. Even if they've worn it while having sex with someone else previously, inclusive of wearing it or not wearing it when having sex with me.
> 
> It has never bothered me that my wife has some clothing she has worn with a previous sexual partner.
> 
> My wife and I also have some stuff related to previous partners, some photos, some jewellery (including my first wedding ring), gifts, notes and the like.
> 
> I also have some clothes in a bag, that I wore before I met my wife and in our early days of dating, that I will keep unless I become homeless,
> 
> Neither of us care about the other having that stuff. We are entitled to our own memories, and not entitled to demand the other give up such things. I don't feel threatened by her past at all, and have no insecure va-clang making tendencies. We both had lives before each other and as lovers of history, having a past and cherishing such memories is perfectly reasonable behaviour.
> 
> As to men and women not understanding each other, that's easily resolved through talking.


I was thinking of those of us who have lived normal lives. lol

Talking does not easily resolve anything. For example, he pain of infidelity is not easily resolved in many broken marriages through talk.

However, I am certain there are folks/couples who believe wearing someone's old lingerie that has been soaked with body fluids is fine, as long as it is washed.

Models don't have a lot of choice, if they want the job and pay. Doing it for free, is likely the same when they want to break into the business. They surely don't want to make any waves. 

I sort of thought it was weird that you quoted my post to make a point. There was no need to do more than make your statement. That's okay, it's just a little weird without an agenda.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

personofinterest said:


> I definitely think there is some truth to this period and you know what? It's OK. We don't have to understand everything about each other, and it doesn't make either person right or wrong.
> 
> *We need to share this idea that if I don't understand it or I wouldn't do it, it must therefore be wrong.*


 You're just wrong, we shouldn't share that idea. >


----------



## [email protected]

I'd bet that she misses the old days, and Hank is the safe, vanilla caretaker here. If he asked and she answered honestly, she reveal that he ranks down near the bottom of accomplished lovers. I've seen it before.


----------



## Personal

2ntnuf said:


> I was thinking of those of us who have lived normal lives. lol


My life is normal for a secular Gen-X person, living in Australia.



2ntnuf said:


> Talking does not easily resolve anything. For example, he pain of infidelity is not easily resolved in many broken marriages through talk.


Of course it can, although someone may not like what they hear. It doesn't change the fact that communication does afford someone the opportunity to find out something if they have sufficient cognitive capabilities.



2ntnuf said:


> However, I am certain there are *[some]* folks/couples who believe wearing someone's old lingerie that has been soaked with body fluids is fine, as long as it is washed.


With the appropriate caveat, I agree.



2ntnuf said:


> I sort of thought it was weird that you quoted my post to make a point. There was no need to do more than make your statement. That's okay, it's just a little weird without an agenda.


I was responding to the points in your post, which is why I quoted your post.

Likewise instead of breaking it up, as I have done so in this response to your post. I opted to leave your quote whole, without individual responses per each of your claims, which was easier to do on my iPad versus my desktop Mac.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Personal said:


> My life is normal for a secular Gen-X person, living in Australia.
> 
> 
> 
> Of course it can, although someone may not like what they hear. It doesn't change the fact that communication does afford someone the opportunity to find out something if they have sufficient cognitive capabilities.
> 
> 
> 
> With the appropriate caveat, I agree.
> 
> 
> 
> I was responding to the points in your post, which is why I quoted your post.
> 
> Likewise instead of breaking it up, as I have done so in this response to your post. I opted to leave your quote whole, without individual responses per each of your claims, which was easier to do on my iPad versus my desktop Mac.


I don't disagree with can. I disagree with will. 

Yes, or, you could have opted to simply post your personal opinions, which seems less like a response from someone who is personally offended, intending to correct the world and me, instead of more like acceptance of individuality and yourself. 

Whether that was your intention or not doesn't matter. It was the feel of it. Anyway, no big deal. I just wanted to get that off my chest.


----------



## personofinterest

[email protected] said:


> I'd bet that she misses the old days, and Hank is the safe, vanilla caretaker here. If he asked and she answered honestly, she reveal that he ranks down near the bottom of accomplished lovers. I've seen it before.


I'm sorry your time on Reddit has warped you.


----------



## Livvie

How do you know she even wore it with someone else? I have some stuff in my drawers from up to 20 years ago that I have washed (maybe even a couple of times) and has been knocking around but that I've not worn in front of a man.

So when I'm in a new relationship do I have to throw all of that out? Will I have to explain and defend it?

Will HE tell me the history of his underwear? What if he has some nice silk boxers. What if he bought some during a time he was hooking up with someone before me? ?? And then still has them in his possession and gasp wears them in front of me. Is that the same as lingerie? Some previous sex partner enjoyed seeing them! Enjoyed the soft material and then slipping them off him. He put them in again eventually after sex when her and so they got her " fluids" on them. I think it's equivalent. Does it all have to go? Should we question men about date of purchase and who has seen them before sex?

How about outer wear? What about a dress or heels bought to impress and attract someone in the past on dates? Then slowly removed during foreplay... with a previous partner.

Geez what about bras?? Those that were purchased during the time with previous partners. Yikes what if one was wearing it during sex with a previous partner because it was sexy??

OMG sheets!!! 

Mattress!!! 

If a woman gets breast implants during a relationship, to enhance herself for this man, then during sex he touches them, licks them, fondles them.... does she have them removed once she has a new man?


----------



## Personal

2ntnuf said:


> Yes, or, you could have opted to simply post your personal opinions, which seems less like a response from someone who is personally offended, intending to correct the world and me, instead of more like acceptance of individuality and yourself.
> 
> Whether that was your intention or not doesn't matter. It was the feel of it. Anyway, no big deal. I just wanted to get that off my chest.


You shared your perspective and in response to you I shared mine, because I find it interesting how your perspective differs from mine.

Going back to this.



2ntnuf;19686493Let's say both of my wives. They would get furious said:


> I find the idea that someone would become furious over such a thing to be extraordinary behaviour. I also wouldn't put up with such nonsense either, and I hope you never humoured that kind of thing from your ex-wives either.
> 
> As to offence there is none from me, I'm glad you have gotten that off your chest.


----------



## personofinterest

Thing is, the OP isnt furious. He was just curious. That's why people "defending his right be angry" and projecting their own bitterness everywhere is so laughable. The OP is healthier and more rational than they are.


----------



## CharlieParker

Livvie said:


> Geez what about bras?? Those that were purchased during the time with previous partners.


I guess my wife made a faux pas when she complemented me on my ability to easily open a fairly complex/unique bra fastener versus her previous suitors’ clumsiness.


----------



## Livvie

CharlieParker said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> Geez what about bras?? Those that were purchased during the time with previous partners.
> 
> 
> 
> I guess my wife made a faux pas when she complemented me on my ability to easily open a fairly complex/unique bra fastener versus her previous suitors’ clumsiness.
Click to expand...

This made me laugh because I have done the same thing! I have been quite impressed with the ability to undo in a single practiced move. He said proudly, yeah I've got that down!


----------



## 2ntnuf

personofinterest said:


> Thing is, the OP isnt furious. He was just curious. That's why people "defending his right be angry" and projecting their own bitterness everywhere is so laughable. The OP is healthier and more rational than they are.


He was looking for opinions and was given them. It's healthier to know your boundaries than not. Even those you deem projecting, are simply giving their opinions. 

I'm not sure you can say they are more or less healthy(implying mental, emotional, and inferior maturity) without your post being considered facetious. It is a revealing post. Thanks.


----------



## oldtruck

EleGirl said:


> Yea, it's different. The sexy panties and lingerie belonged to your old girlfriends, not to you. They wore them, not you.
> 
> I have a container full of sexy things... going back 30 years or more. Why? Well the I just not bothered to toss it all. It's not causing me any problems so why spend time on it?


Time?
What time?

Like the movie, Gone In Sixty Seconds.

Boom is the sound of the lid hitting the garbage can.
Commercials are not even done yet so one would not miss
any of the TV show.


----------



## personofinterest

2ntnuf said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thing is, the OP isnt furious. He was just curious. That's why people "defending his right be angry" and projecting their own bitterness everywhere is so laughable. The OP is healthier and more rational than they are.
> 
> 
> 
> He was looking for opinions and was given them. It's healthier to know your boundaries than not. Even those you deem projecting, are simply giving their opinions.
> 
> I'm not sure you can say they are more or less healthy(implying mental, emotional, and inferior maturity) without your post being considered facetious. It is a revealing post. Thanks.
Click to expand...

I think being bothered by it would be a normal response. I think asking a spouse to discard them would be a normal response.

Furious is a pretty strong word, right up there with rage. I maintain that it is not normal or healthy to actually be furious/enraged over inanimate objects in a bag.


----------



## aine

Hank182 said:


> When I say tags I mean the garment tags that give info on how to wash them, type of material and all. Part of the information on them is the month and year they where made. I know that my wife did not wear them with me and based on the dates “which are about a year to little over before we meet” they are not from a previous marriage. However I do think they are a few things in the bag that could be. Honestly it does not bother me one bit that she has them for whatever reason she is keeping them. I could care less. Being as open as she has about her past it just struck me a bit odd that she still has them. Thought I would ask to see what others think. In the end it makes no difference to me why she has them.


Hank, you are contradicting yourself, you start a thread asking about your wife keeping sexy lingerie from previous lover, which you say her history does not bother you. You also say it doesn't bother you that she has them at all for whatever reason..........................so why start this thread?

I sense that you are insecure or just want to create a problem where there isn't one. If the lingerie was nice and expensive, maybe she doesn't simply want to toss them. If it is no big deal (as you say) maybe just ask her ?


----------



## 2ntnuf

personofinterest said:


> I think being bothered by it would be a normal response. I think asking a spouse to discard them would be a normal response.
> 
> Furious is a pretty strong word, right up there with rage. *I maintain that it is not normal or healthy to actually be furious/enraged over inanimate objects in a bag*.


Yep, I agree. 

I think the lingerie or anything used during another sexual encounter would be a little creepy. My ex had a couple things and the creepiness overwhelmed my desires. I didn't care about pictures and other keepsakes.


----------



## happy as a clam

Ten pages into this thread and we still don’t have a clue why the sexy stash is in her closet! :lol:

Hank, when are you going to ask her?


----------



## sokillme

Livvie said:


> How do you know she even wore it with someone else? I have some stuff in my drawers from up to 20 years ago that I have washed (maybe even a couple of times) and has been knocking around but that I've not worn in front of a man.
> 
> So when I'm in a new relationship do I have to throw all of that out? Will I have to explain and defend it?
> 
> Will HE tell me the history of his underwear? What if he has some nice silk boxers. What if he bought some during a time he was hooking up with someone before me? ?? And then still has them in his possession and gasp wears them in front of me. Is that the same as lingerie? Some previous sex partner enjoyed seeing them! Enjoyed the soft material and then slipping them off him. He put them in again eventually after sex when her and so they got her " fluids" on them. I think it's equivalent. Does it all have to go? Should we question men about date of purchase and who has seen them before sex?
> 
> How about outer wear? What about a dress or heels bought to impress and attract someone in the past on dates? Then slowly removed during foreplay... with a previous partner.
> 
> Geez what about bras?? Those that were purchased during the time with previous partners. Yikes what if one was wearing it during sex with a previous partner because it was sexy??
> 
> OMG sheets!!!
> 
> Mattress!!!
> 
> If a woman gets breast implants during a relationship, to enhance herself for this man, then during sex he touches them, licks them, fondles them.... does she have them removed once she has a new man?


Except that she kept it in a separate bag with other keepsakes. It seems to be separate from her other things which implies it means more to her then just some old clothing she used to wear.


----------



## personofinterest

I'm cracking up at how hard people are trying to make this into something nefarious and evil when the OP himself said he doesnt care.


----------



## Hank182

Its been busy for the last couple of days but I finally got around to asking her. The answer, she doesn’t remember. Opinions?😁 I’m not bothered by her answer but I honestly have a hard time believing it.


----------



## Hank182

sokillme said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> How do you know she even wore it with someone else? I have some stuff in my drawers from up to 20 years ago that I have washed (maybe even a couple of times) and has been knocking around but that I've not worn in front of a man.
> 
> So when I'm in a new relationship do I have to throw all of that out? Will I have to explain and defend it?
> 
> Will HE tell me the history of his underwear? What if he has some nice silk boxers. What if he bought some during a time he was hooking up with someone before me? ?? And then still has them in his possession and gasp wears them in front of me. Is that the same as lingerie? Some previous sex partner enjoyed seeing them! Enjoyed the soft material and then slipping them off him. He put them in again eventually after sex when her and so they got her " fluids" on them. I think it's equivalent. Does it all have to go? Should we question men about date of purchase and who has seen them before sex?
> 
> How about outer wear? What about a dress or heels bought to impress and attract someone in the past on dates? Then slowly removed during foreplay... with a previous partner.
> 
> Geez what about bras?? Those that were purchased during the time with previous partners. Yikes what if one was wearing it during sex with a previous partner because it was sexy??
> 
> OMG sheets!!!
> 
> Mattress!!!
> 
> If a woman gets breast implants during a relationship, to enhance herself for this man, then during sex he touches them, licks them, fondles them.... does she have them removed once she has a new man?
> 
> 
> 
> Except that she kept it in a separate bag with other keepsakes. It seems to be separate from her other things which implies it means more to her then just some old clothing she used to wear.
Click to expand...

Exactly


----------



## happy as a clam

Hank182 said:


> Its been busy for the last couple of days but I finally got around to asking her. The answer, she doesn’t remember. Opinions?😁 *I’m not bothered by her answer but I honestly have a hard time believing it.*


Your last statement... it’s basically cognitive dissonance. Both things cannot be true. As you stated many times over, you have a great marriage. Great marriages don’t have issues that one partner has a “hard time believing”.

I call BS. This is bothering the **** out of you. It’s just that you’re behaving too passive-aggressively to admit it. Examine why you are turning a molehill in to a mountain. This issue is a trigger for you, but why? What did she (or some other woman) do in the past that is bringing out the PA in you? Dig deep into your subconscious; therein lies the answer. 

You are sabotaging your own marriage, but why?


----------



## Decorum

happy as a clam said:


> Your last statement... it’s basically cognitive dissonance. Both things cannot be true. As you stated many times over, you have a great marriage. Great marriages don’t have issues that one partner has a “hard time believing”.
> 
> I call BS. This is bothering the **** out of you. It’s just that you’re behaving too passive-aggressively to admit it. Examine why you are turning a molehill in to a mountain. This issue is a trigger for you, but why? What did she (or some other woman) do in the past that is bringing out the PA in you? Dig deep into your subconscious; therein lies the answer.
> 
> You are sabotaging your own marriage, but why?


Inb4 someone says she doesn't trust you enough to tell you, what is it about you?

She kept it, claims ignorance, it is about her, not you.

Be safe, be gentle!


----------



## Hank182

happy as a clam said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Its been busy for the last couple of days but I finally got around to asking her. The answer, she doesn’t remember. Opinions?😁 *I’m not bothered by her answer but I honestly have a hard time believing it.*
> 
> 
> 
> Your last statement... it’s basically cognitive dissonance. Both things cannot be true. As you stated many times over, you have a great marriage. Great marriages don’t have issues that one partner has a “hard time believing”.
> 
> I call BS. This is bothering the **** out of you. It’s just that you’re behaving too passive-aggressively to admit it. Examine why you are turning a molehill in to a mountain. This issue is a trigger for you, but why? What did she (or some other woman) do in the past that is bringing out the PA in you? Dig deep into your subconscious; therein lies the answer.
> 
> You are sabotaging your own marriage, but why?
Click to expand...

Don’t think i ever said we had a great marriage. Ours is like a lot of others with ups and downs. I just find it hard to believe that a woman would have sexy lingerie that has made a trip from one house to another obviously been put up with some others things that she wanted to keep and she doesn’t remember where she got them. Did we have a fight over it absolutely not. Was she mad about my asking, No. I’m not sure why you think I am being passive aggressive. As for her answer, yea I have a hard time believing that. If it makes me crazy then I guess I’m crazy but I don’t think so.


----------



## Hank182

Decorum said:


> happy as a clam said:
> 
> 
> 
> Your last statement... it’s basically cognitive dissonance. Both things cannot be true. As you stated many times over, you have a great marriage. Great marriages don’t have issues that one partner has a “hard time believing”.
> 
> I call BS. This is bothering the **** out of you. It’s just that you’re behaving too passive-aggressively to admit it. Examine why you are turning a molehill in to a mountain. This issue is a trigger for you, but why? What did she (or some other woman) do in the past that is bringing out the PA in you? Dig deep into your subconscious; therein lies the answer.
> 
> You are sabotaging your own marriage, but why?
> 
> 
> 
> Inb4 someone says she doesn't trust you enough to tell you, what is it about you?
> 
> She kept it, claims ignorance, it is about her, not you.
> 
> Be safe, be gentle!
Click to expand...

Maybe it’s someone in her past that she never told me about before and doesn’t want to talk about it now? If so that’s fine. We have been together for over 10 years, just via our conversations over their years I thought I knew all about her past but maybe I don’t. I will say it again before someone jumps me. No she does not have to tell me all the details of her past. She remembers the shirt I wore on our first date her memory isn’t bad. Or maybe she just simply don’t remember anything about them. IDK


----------



## Blondilocks

OK, you don't believe her. Since it really, really doesn't bother you at all; smile that little 'knowing' smile and shake your head and put it out of your mind. 

Or, set the bag on the kitchen counter and tell her you want it gone by the next trash pick-up. Gauge her reaction.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Hank182 said:


> Its been busy for the last couple of days but I finally got around to asking her. The answer, she doesn’t remember. Opinions?😁 I’m not bothered by her answer but I honestly have a hard time believing it.


Case closed....you have your answer....she is not going to get rid of it...just suck it up.


----------



## Hank182

Lostinthought61 said:


> Hank182 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Its been busy for the last couple of days but I finally got around to asking her. The answer, she doesn’t remember. Opinions?😁 I’m not bothered by her answer but I honestly have a hard time believing it.
> 
> 
> 
> Case closed....you have your answer....she is not going to get rid of it...just suck it up.
Click to expand...

Never asked her to get rid of it. But yea I agree that’s pretty much end of it. I mean what can you say after she says I don’t remember.


----------



## Hank182

Blondilocks said:


> OK, you don't believe her. Since it really, really doesn't bother you at all; smile that little 'knowing' smile and shake your head and put it out of your mind.
> 
> Or, set the bag on the kitchen counter and tell her you want it gone by the next trash pick-up. Gauge her reaction.


No need in doing that. She doesn’t have to get rid of it. It’s either she really don’t remember or she just doesn’t want to tell me. Either way that’s the end of it. No need to have an argument over something insignificant as this.


----------



## personofinterest

Hank182 said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> 
> OK, you don't believe her. Since it really, really doesn't bother you at all; smile that little 'knowing' smile and shake your head and put it out of your mind.
> 
> Or, set the bag on the kitchen counter and tell her you want it gone by the next trash pick-up. Gauge her reaction.
> 
> 
> 
> No need in doing that. She doesn’t have to get rid of it. It’s either she really don’t remember or she just doesn’t want to tell me. Either way that’s the end of it. No need to have an argument over something insignificant as this.
Click to expand...

 Congratulations! You may be one of the 1st cases I have ever seen where the poster asking for advice is actually healthier than some of the posters giving the advice. Good for you for not making this into the end of the world. You must be a confident man. And I mean that period


----------



## Lostinthought61

Hank182 said:


> Never asked her to get rid of it. But yea I agree that’s pretty much end of it. I mean what can you say after she says I don’t remember.


the irony is if you really can't remember why you are keeping it then why keep it...she knows. here is what you should tell her, " well the bright side is if you can't remember now, the older you get the less important it will be for you, so one day i will get rid of it myself and you won't know the difference" and smile.


----------



## personofinterest

Or maybe Hanks ego isn't tied to stupid stuff like this, so he can just deal with it and move on.


----------



## MyRevelation

Hank182 said:


> Never asked her to get rid of it. But yea I agree that’s pretty much end of it. I mean what can you say after she says I don’t remember.


How about ... "Look, the bag of lingerie really doesn't bother me, I just wondered why you're keeping it, but please don't insult my intelligence with 'I don't remember'. I'm your H and deserve to be respected with the truth."

But hey, you're the one that has to look at yourself in the mirror. If you're OK with your W disrespecting you by lying to you in favor of protecting a memory from her past, that's on you. I couldn't/wouldn't do it, but I'm not you, nor am I M'd to your W.

The way my W and I handled this early on was that I didn't need to know about her past relationships, but don't ever put me in the position of being introduced to a past lover without my knowledge. If I were in a setting where I was meeting people from her past, all I needed was ... "Oh, there's John Doe, I dated him for 4 months prior to us getting together" and I would be fine with that and even meeting John Doe, as I could defuse the situation when meeting him with "Hello, John, I understand you dated Jane before we got together ... how are you doing".

Basically, all I asked was that I not be put in a position where her and another man shared a secret that I knew nothing about, making me the clueless 3rd party. Which is exactly the spot your W is putting you in ... she is introducing a part of her past into your present marital home that you know nothing about.


----------



## EleGirl

:slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap:

Some people just create drama.


----------



## personofinterest

MyRevelation said:


> How about ... "Look, the bag of lingerie really doesn't bother me, I just wondered why you're keeping it, but please don't insult my intelligence with 'I don't remember'. I'm your H and deserve to be respected with the truth."
> 
> But hey, you're the one that has to look at yourself in the mirror. If you're OK with your W disrespecting you by lying to you in favor of protecting a memory from her past, that's on you. I couldn't/wouldn't do it, but I'm not you, nor am I M'd to your W.
> 
> The way my W and I handled this early on was that I didn't need to know about her past relationships, but don't ever put me in the position of being introduced to a past lover without my knowledge. If I were in a setting where I was meeting people from her past, all I needed was ... "Oh, there's John Doe, I dated him for 4 months prior to us getting together" and I would be fine with that and even meeting John Doe, as I could defuse the situation when meeting him with "Hello, John, I understand you dated Jane before we got together ... how are you doing".
> 
> Basically, all I asked was that I not be put in a position where her and another man shared a secret that I knew nothing about, making me the clueless 3rd party. Which is exactly the spot your W is putting you in ... she is introducing a part of her past into your present marital home that you know nothing about.


Good grief - such chest pumping.

And that passive aggressive "if you're okay being a p**** then fine by me" tripe. Good lord


----------



## MyRevelation

personofinterest said:


> Good grief - such chest pumping.
> 
> And that passive aggressive "if you're okay being a p**** then fine by me" tripe. Good lord


I've read several of your misandrist postings ... exactly what about men being men offends you?

Look, I don't claim to be a touchy, feely cosmopolitan man ... a lot of my opinions and values were formed in a place most of you would describe as backwards. My 81 year old father is still the best man I've ever known (I try my best to live up to his standards), and my 101 year old grandmother still holds an 80 year grudge against a woman that's been dead 20 years ... it's actually one of the funniest stories I tell people ... so don't expect me to view things and act on them the way some of you more "enlightened" might view them, but if I post it, you can damn well bet its 100% the truth ... exactly the way I feel ... and exactly the way I'd act in that situation. If that offends the kindler/gentler crowd, then this forum has an "Ignore" feature ... use it.


----------



## personofinterest

Misandrist.....lolol This made my day

I am married to an amazing man who I adore. I have a wonderful father, brother, and grown son who I adore. With the exception of possibly less than a handful of people, I cannot name any male I have ever encountered who I hate. In fact, I respect my supervisors, my pastor, my friends' husbands, the people who work on my floor, the very honest man who fixes my car....

I think men are, for the most part, honorable, hard-working people who have a very specific and important role in society - one that modern feminazis have tried to strip from them.

So I have no problem with men in general.

I have problems with a very small, very particular subset of men who mock other men, think their way is the only way, assume all women are replaceable cheaters, and use passive aggressiveness as a sign of being "alpha."

Labeling me, a traditional Ephesians 5, feminine, wife and mother as misandrist just because I call you out on mocking the OP is just a sign that you don't debate very well.


----------



## manfromlamancha

personofinterest said:


> Or maybe Hanks ego isn't tied to stupid stuff like this, so he can just deal with it and move on.


If so why did he start this thread? Could it be that it bothers him more than he is letting on?


----------



## personofinterest

manfromlamancha said:


> If so why did he start this thread? Could it be that it bothers him more than he is letting on?


It may very well. But it doesn't bother him near as much as it does a handful of people who don't even know him.

Doesn't that strike you as odd? It's like their disappointed he didn't kick his wife to the curb over a bag of clothes. Why is that?


----------



## manfromlamancha

personofinterest said:


> It may very well. But it doesn't bother him near as much as it does a handful of people who don't even know him.
> 
> Doesn't that strike you as odd? It's like their disappointed he didn't kick his wife to the curb over a bag of clothes. Why is that?


If it bothers him, it bothers him! I think people are reacting to just that - that it bothers him and he acts like it doesn't but still asks people what they make of it, even regarding her last dubious answer.


----------



## personofinterest

manfromlamancha said:


> If it bothers him, it bothers him! I think people are reacting to just that - that it bothers him and he acts like it doesn't but still asks people what they make of it, even regarding her last dubious answer.


Fine, but when some stranger basically calls the OP a p****y because the OP didn't do what "HE" would do is just junior high bullying. It's laughable.


----------



## Betrayedone

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So she's managed to have this little bag of mementos for *10 years* and you never saw it but then suddenly, while you're "looking around for _something_" in the closet you magically found it? What item of yours did you think you were going to find digging that deeply through *HER* stuff?
> 
> It's obvious you're controlling and insecure having made her tell you every single detail of her love life starting from 2nd grade right up to the minute you met her, but why does she have to explain herself to you just because she has a small bag of lingerie from years ago that she liked too much to part with? Does she have to check in with you every time she goes to the bathroom, too? Do you need to read all her texts and approve them first before she's allowed to hit the send button?
> 
> I get what you're telling everyone about the tags - like Inspector Gadget, you've broken the code of the numbers on the tags sewn into the garment and can tell what year they were made, etc. Nice detective work!
> 
> I* know* what it's like to have to deal with a paranoid, insecure, jealous man like you, and it sucks. Big time. And that's likely why she didn't tell you about her little bag of souvenirs. The bull**** she'd *get *for it simply isn't worth it so it's remained a secret all these years. I'm just being honest with you.


Man that's ridiculously harsh.......hit a nerve perhaps? He is not paranoid or controlling on this issue.


----------



## personofinterest

I don't think hes controlling either. If he were actually paranoid and controlling, he'd be asking her to take polygraphs and DNA their kids while insisting she burn it all before he physically removes her from the house and tosses her out into the yard and brags about it.


----------



## Betrayedone

RoseAglow said:


> We should start keeping track of the many ways some TAMMERs find to make themselves as sexually unattractive as possible.
> 
> _"What is this lingerie doing here? It's a bag I found in the closet. I know that it's more than 10 years old because I read the garment tag!
> 
> What does this mean? Why would you keep it? You're not wearing it for me!!! 10 years ago you were with that other guy! Do you love him more?? Is this a special keepsake that means you still care for him?? What is going on? I deserve to know!"_
> 
> This isn't quite up there with abuse or cheating but it is not a good look. Needs to be at least in the top 25.
> 
> Unless there is more to this story, I agree with the others who say, tell her you found it and invite her to put it on for you! Otherwise, the way it's been presented here makes you look you emotionally weak.


Disagree.......he is not being emotionally weak......He has every right to know.


----------



## Betrayedone

RoseAglow said:


> This is to you and @sokillme.
> 
> This is weak as F. It is ALL EGO. YOUR ego, to be specific. Who says it has anything to do with you?
> 
> What are you afraid of? How is it "disrespectful" to keep old clothes in a bag in a closet? Yes, even if it was a ""sexual memento", although I sincerely doubt that is why it's there. It is VERY different from having a picture of a previous lover on your nightstand. Come on now.
> 
> 
> I still have pictures of me and old boyfriends. It has nothing to do with the boyfriends- it is me having some pics of myself when I was young and thin and cute. I was happy in the pics with those boyfriends- but the happiness isn't anywhere close to my experience and deep happiness with husband. My husband is a man and isn't threatened by these pictures. It's all ancient history and it has nothing to do with the present.
> 
> Do you really not believe that your wife had happy and thrilling sexual experiences before you? Does it take away from your current happiness that she did?
> 
> Are you so insecure that anything sexual from your wife's life before you is a threat, a sign of disrespect?
> 
> I mean, to each their own. Everyone can and should have the relationship they want. I am sure there are women who feel the same way- as in, it would bother the hell out of them- about husbands keeping old pictures or clothes or whatever. It is my opinion. I could not respect a man so fragile and afraid of being "disrespected".


Nothing but VITRIOL here.......nothing helpful in this post.


----------



## personofinterest

Sorry dudes, the OP is not outraged.

You'll have to find someone else to live through vicariously.


----------



## Betrayedone

Hank182 said:


> No need to apologize, like I have said, I don’t really communicate what I am trying to say on a platform like this. I 100% realize everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to it. I am perfectly ok with others opinions not matching mine. But I do like to bounce things off others to get a different view of it.


I think you are communicating better than most here........I do think her answer is BS, however. Women keep things like that for a reason....believe it.


----------



## Personal

Betrayedone said:


> Women keep things like that for a reason....believe it.


Yep there's always a reason.

Like how some women keep such things because they're loathe to throw old things out. Or they intend to go through it to sort out what to keep or not, yet don't get around to it because they're doing other things.

Plus some women like keeping stuff from the past because they're old stuff is cool, which is how some museums end up with stuff.

Plus some women forget why they keep such things.

Believe it.


----------



## [email protected]

I rearranged stuff in my storage house recently and ran across some items I had forgotten. Some were several decades old. I had kept them for dumb reasons, but remembered why I retained them. All the memories came back.
Well, I asked a couple on non-random people if they had kept things such as mine. All of them did, and could recall why the items were kept. Memories are like that. We remember all kinds of things
that have no current use or relevance. I recall the day (but not the date) and time of day when JFK was killed. I know where I was and to whom I spoke about it.
His wife knows why she kept her items (they were in a memento bag) but for reasons she's not saying, won't reveal why they were kept.


----------



## manfromlamancha

personofinterest said:


> Fine, but when some stranger basically calls the OP a p****y because the OP didn't do what "HE" would do is just junior high bullying. It's laughable.


Sure, I agree with that one. The thing to focus on here is 



whether he should be concerned/bothered by his wife keeping sexy lingerie given to her by a previous lover;


the fact that she says she forgets who it is from;


and he still does not have a credible reason (from her) for it being kept.


And he covers his concern up with "I'm not bothered" and some people here seem to thing that is advanced, mature behaviour when it is not - it's quite childish (even less than junior high).


----------



## Ed3n

When I divorced my ex he demanded that I give him back all of my lingerie. I asked "Why? Are you going to wear it?" Basically, if I bought it, I kept it. The exception was the lingerie I bought for our wedding night. To me, it was just too weird to wear it for someone else. Other than that, the lingerie I bought was because I liked how I felt while wearing it, and not to please him. So, I kept it, and continued to wear it. He had only bought me a few items, and they were never really my taste, so they went into the trash. 

To each their own.


----------



## personofinterest

"whether he should be "

Say, there is no should. He gets to feel how he chooses to feel, no matter what the man club thinks he should feel.


----------



## MyRevelation

As with most things in life, actions trump words.

When a guy's gut gets to bothering him to the point where he seeks out advice from others and then he hesitates and delays and finally screws up his courage enough to ask the question that triggered his gut reaction ... and then he accepts a bull**** answer like "I don't remember" and drops the whole thing ... Yeah, his ACTIONS speak much louder than any empty WORDS spoken by him or those making excuses for him.

It's the old saying ... "Don't ask the question if you can't stand the answer" ... played out IRL. OP simply asked a question, that when presented with the likely scenario, he decided he couldn't stand to hear the answer and dropped it. How he handles this going forward will depend on how effectively he can deceive himself.


----------



## MyRevelation

In addition, he has also sent a clear message to his W that she can effectively gaslight him, if necessary, thereby establishing her superior status in the relationship.

Which brings me to another old saying ... "The one who cares the least, has the most power in a relationship."


----------



## personofinterest

> "The one who cares the least, has the most power in a relationship."


I wonder how fulfilling a relationship is where one is constantly striving to care the least so they can stay in power...


----------



## MyRevelation

personofinterest said:


> I wonder how fulfilling a relationship is where one is constantly striving to care the least so they can stay in power...


You are either clueless or just have a need to be argumentative towards any male POV.

FTR ... I AM NOT advocating for OP to "strive" to care the least ... I'm pointing out what he's up against, because he can't get to where he wants to be until he knows where he stands right now.


----------



## manfromlamancha

personofinterest said:


> "whether he should be "
> 
> Say, there is no should. He gets to feel how he chooses to feel, no matter what the man club thinks he should feel.


If she is harbouring feelings for an ex lover then he very much SHOULD be concerned at the very least - c'est ne pas? Not necessary jealous but concerned.

And yay I belong to a man club! Always wanted to belong to a club. Next thing on the bucket list is leader of the gang.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

personofinterest said:


> "whether he should be "
> 
> Say, there is no should. He gets to feel how he chooses to feel, no matter what the *man club* thinks he should feel.


 Yeah, You're doing it again.

You keep claiming with your cut and paste response that you are not a misandrist. Just look at it this way if the sexes were reversed in some of what you say you'd be livid. Make sure you show your husband this as well so he can get his supposed daily chuckle. 
I look forward to your condescending reply.


----------



## oldtruck

Hank182 said:


> Never asked her to get rid of it. But yea I agree that’s pretty much end of it. I mean what can you say after she says I don’t remember.


liar lair
pants on fire

Don't remember. You believe that?
What to buy some ocean front property in Arizona? Or how about in Nebraska?


----------



## personofinterest

Rubix Cubed said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> "whether he should be "
> 
> Say, there is no should. He gets to feel how he chooses to feel, no matter what the *man club* thinks he should feel.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah, You're doing it again.
> 
> You keep claiming with your cut and paste response that you are not a misandrist. Just look at it this way if the sexes were reversed in some of what you say you'd be livid. Make sure you show your husband this as well so he can get his supposed daily chuckle. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/wink.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Wink" ></a>
> I look forward to your condescending reply.
Click to expand...

 You need to educate yourself by reading the thread about Kavanagh, by reading the old consent thread, and by reading the countless other posts where I defend men in general and call out women who treat their husbands like krapp. You're making yourself look like a fool.

My husband still has his wedding album from his previous marriage. He still has the tuxedo he wore at the wedding. I know those are not intimate, but I don't have anything from my wedding. I am not concerned that he has these things because I'm not worried about him or how faithful he is to me. I don't know if he has any underwear he used to have the and, but considering the state of a couple of the pair's that I wash, they may well be that old lol.

You see what you choose to say, which has been the problem on this thread all along. Most of us see a bag of old launcher a, and while I think she should throw it away or donate it, I do not see affairs and a woman who pines for other man or a woman who wishes she was with someone besides her husband. I see a woman who kept a bunch of krapp and is probably a little embarrassed about it.

I understand that being betrayed can make someone see an affair around every corner. I went through that phase as well. But the bottom line is that not everything is in the phereus plot to cheat on one's spouse. And not every man needs to be bothered and demand his wife do this or that in order to actually be a man. It is OK for this original poster not to make a big deal out of this period


----------



## personofinterest

And I don't need to show this thread to my alpha male husband who gets sex every day and leads our home. I don't have to worry about him chuckling over this because he knows me, unlike you. He is nothing like you because he is not just waiting for me to screw him over. He knows how to love me


----------



## Rubix Cubed

POI,
You lumped me in with a bunch of folks that commented on this thread just because you don't like that I pointed out your misandrist attitude again, then accuse me of not reading the "right" comments you make on other threads. Then go on to say I don't know you, but apparently, you know me well enough to pass judgment on what I'm like (and from what you've said your not even close). That's a wee hypocritical, don't ya think? I like a lot of your posts, probably most of them, until you go off on the broad brush misandrist stuff, but knowing your nature on this forum you wouldn't look at that as a critique but instead a fight.
I really couldn't give a rip about Hank's wife's nighties and it doesn't sound like he does either. I would show a little concern about her lack of honesty in telling him the deal with them, though.


----------

