# Masturbation and Sex



## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

I prefer to have sex with my wife about every day, or every other day.

My wife of 15 years, who is 39 years old, says she wants and likes to have sex only about once a week because it's the frequency generated by her sex drive, yet she uses a vibrator about three times a week. She is not aware that I know this.

So she in effect has "sex" about every other day as well, which is the frequency I prefer but which she says her sex drive won't permit.

When we have sex she (apparently) has an orgasm about every time, and fairly quickly after intercourse begins (within a few minutes), without any extraordinary effort on my part. She initiates sex only about 5 to 10% of the time, however.

Is this something I should be concerned about?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

FaithfulHusband said:


> I prefer to have sex with my wife about every day, or every other day.
> 
> My wife of 15 years, who is 39 years old, says she wants and likes to have sex only about once a week because it's the frequency generated by her sex drive, yet she uses a vibrator about three times a week. *She is not aware that I know this*.
> 
> ...


Ok, I'll ask, how do you know this is my first question?


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## Just another (Feb 21, 2018)

In the same boat.


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## Just another (Feb 21, 2018)

Its easy to figure out. Vibrator gets moved then you can assume its been used.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

What else do you do to make her feel desirable.
Do you sleep close at night or turn away from each other?
Have you and her maybe just became comfortable in your marriage?
Date nights?
Alone time just to talk and spend time together?
Has sex just became routine?


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

The other thing to consider here is that pre-cancerous cells were found on my wife's cervix about six months ago. They were immediately removed in the same OB/GYN visit in which they were discovered, but we have yet to have the follow-up appointment in which there is a check of whether any cells are still there, or have returned.

Since that time my wife has (understandably) been far more concerned than usual about vaginal sterility, and she considers semen left in the vagina as eventually becoming non-sterile and potentially causing infection.

For that reason she takes a bath pretty quickly after sex, whereas in the past she might've waited a few hours. She has mentioned that if she hadn't already planned to take a bath, then the unplanned "post-sex bath" can feel like work to her. And I've noticed that she's much more receptive to my sexual advances before we get up in the morning, before she would normally be taking a bath either way.

Anyway, just something else that may be relevant.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

They are two separate things and one drive does not necessarily correlate to the other.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Is this something I should be concerned about?


The lying? yes
The spying? yes
The masturbating? Probably not


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

sa58 said:


> What else do you do to make her feel desirable.
> Do you sleep close at night or turn away from each other?
> Have you and her maybe just became comfortable in your marriage?
> Date nights?
> ...


We both give good effort on those fronts, I think, which is why this is confusing for me. There aren't any other signs that would indicate -- to me at least -- that my wife would "prefer" her vibrator.

I'll admit that the sex can be pretty routine (there is certainly variation splashed in here and there), but then again isn't a vibrator routine? That's an honest question, since I've never used one. :wink2:


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

FrenchFry said:


> They are two separate things and one drive does not necessarily correlate to the other.


If you're someone with firsthand experience in that area, can you please explain that so I can have a better understanding of it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FaithfulHusband said:


> The other thing to consider here is that pre-cancerous cells were found on my wife's cervix about six months ago. They were immediately removed in the same OB/GYN visit in which they were discovered, but we have yet to have the follow-up appointment in which there is a check of whether any cells are still there, or have returned.
> 
> Since that time my wife has (understandably) been far more concerned than usual about vaginal sterility, and she considers semen left in the vagina as eventually becoming non-sterile and potentially causing infection.
> 
> ...


Was any counselling arranged for her? If not, I think it should be.

Hopefully her results will be OK.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Follow up appointment is absolutely necessary.
As soon as possible. Cervical cancer is something
she is probably very worried about and could have a affect
on her sex drive. Do not forget to have routine exams all so.
Counseling will be very important all so. She may view the vibrator
as more sterile. No insult intended.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

FaithfulHusband said:


> If you're someone with firsthand experience in that area, can you please explain that so I can have a better understanding of it?


Mmm. Maybe, I am not your wife though.

Sex requires you to think about/interact with/be influenced by another person. Masturbation does not. 

My vibrator does not care what I look like, what I feel like, if I've shaved, brushed my teeth or peed a little in my pants from laughing. My vibrator doesn't care if I'm lazy, if I'm wearing lingerie, what position I'm in. 

My vibrator also is never rude, annoying, forgetful. It is not a human with human foibles that rub you the wrong way sometimes. 

My vibrator has no feelings and as such, I can use it as the tool that it is.

Now, all women are different. Sex is more work for me with zero guarantee of orgasm. I can orgasm by myself 100% of the time. Sometimes I just want a bunch of orgasms with no consideration for anyone else. That there is my masturbation drive. Sometimes I want to bang my husband and have an orgasm - that is my sex drive. Sometimes, I want my husband to be happy - that is neither and if you are getting that, you are a lucky person.


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

FrenchFry said:


> Mmm. Maybe, I am not your wife though.
> 
> Sex requires you to think about/interact with/be influenced by another person. Masturbation does not.
> 
> ...


Appreciate the explanation. That actually makes me feel better. :smthumbup:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why does she think that your sperm will potentially cause harm? I have never heard of that. If that is the case you could offer to wear a durex.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Maybe easier explanation that she wants a fast clean orgasm without thinking too much or putting in any effort at all.

I rarely masturbate currently as I end up having so much sex i just do not desire it(thought I would brag) but there have been times in past relationship where i just wanted to quickly cum and get on with my day, maybe this is how she feels also.

I do understand frustration though, my xw was LD and if timing was of in our schedules she would use a vibrator and then be satisfied for another week or so leaving me frustrated.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm pretty sure my wife masturbates fairly regularly, and I expect its because she just wants to get off without needing to do anything in return. 

I've actually offered to get her off however she wants, whenever she wants- no reciprocation expected. She has only taken me up on it once. I think that to her, if I do something for her, she feels she *must* do something for me.


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

MovingForward said:


> Maybe easier explanation that she wants a fast clean orgasm without thinking too much or putting in any effort at all.
> 
> I rarely masturbate currently as I end up having so much sex i just do not desire it(thought I would brag) but there have been times in past relationship where i just wanted to quickly cum and get on with my day, maybe this is how she feels also.
> 
> I do understand frustration though, my xw was LD and if timing was of in our schedules *she would use a vibrator and then be satisfied for another week or so leaving me frustrated*.


The part I boldfaced above is something bothersome for me as well. I've expressed to my wife that I experience our sex life as an opportunity to connect physically and express our love for each other on that sort of wavelength if you will.

I understand there may be two separate sexual drives as mentioned earlier -- a masturbatory drive and a sexual one -- however, I can't believe that if one discharges his or her sexual energy through masturbation, there is much sexual energy left over to generate the desire for sex with one's spouse, at least for a period of time. I know when I masturbate, it's highly unlikely that I'll be interested in initiating sex for the remainder of that day, for example.

So, put yourself in my shoes -- you've expressed to your spouse that you'd like to connect physically in a loving way through sex on a fairly frequent basis, yet your spouse is discharging his or her sexual energy through masturbation such that he or she perhaps has very little sexual drive left over for what you're wanting.

I think my feelings are hurt that she wouldn't want to "conserve" that sexual energy for "us," rather than discharging it alone so frequently.

Then again there is no evidence to suggest that if she masturbated less, she'd want sex more. I'm using only my own experience as a reference point in that regard.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Then again there is no evidence to suggest that if she masturbated less, she'd want sex more. I'm using only my own experience as a reference point in that regard.


Bingo!
Get the point yet?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> My vibrator does not care what I look like,
> what I feel like, if I've shaved, brushed my teeth
> or peed a little in my pants from laughing.
> My vibrator doesn't care if I'm lazy,
> ...


Sorry, OT, great post love it, iambic pentameter?


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

FaithfulHusband said:


> The part I boldfaced above is something bothersome for me as well. I've expressed to my wife that I experience our sex life as an opportunity to connect physically and express our love for each other on that sort of wavelength if you will.
> 
> I understand there may be two separate sexual drives as mentioned earlier -- a masturbatory drive and a sexual one -- however, I can't believe that if one discharges his or her sexual energy through masturbation, there is much sexual energy left over to generate the desire for sex with one's spouse, at least for a period of time. I know when I masturbate, it's highly unlikely that I'll be interested in initiating sex for the remainder of that day, for example.
> 
> ...


This (to me) seems tantamount to a husband who watches porn and masturbates to it and then he has no mojo left for his wife.

Can someone help me understand how this situation is any different? (Where the wife masturbates with her toys and then she has no mojo left for the husband)


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I hate to be "that guy" but I'll bet she's faking those very quick orgasms during intercourse to get it over with quickly. She's not enjoying the sex. She'll never tell you that because it would hurt your feelings and she loves you and doesn't want to do that. The vibrator, however, rocks her world and gets the job done. Orgasm via intercourse is rare in most women (only 20% orgasm from penetration) and even rarer to happen that soon after intercourse begins.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

WildMustang said:


> This (to me) seems tantamount to a husband who watches porn and masturbates to it and then he has no mojo left for his wife.
> 
> Can someone help me understand how this situation is any different? (Where the wife masturbates with her toys and then she has no mojo left for the husband)


Sorry, but there is nothing to help you understand. You are right on point. Hit the nail on the head.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

FaithfulHusband said:


> I prefer to have sex with my wife about every day, or every other day.
> 
> My wife of 15 years, who is 39 years old, says she wants and likes to have sex only about once a week because it's the frequency generated by her sex drive, yet she uses a vibrator about three times a week. She is not aware that I know this.
> 
> ...


I have to agree that I think your wife is not achieving orgasm through intercourse with you and using the vibrator in order to get a release. I do this myself when I have been unable to get to orgasm with my husband, the only difference is I don’t lie to my husband about not getting there nor do I use the vibrator instead of sex with my husband and most of the time i’ll ask him to use the vibrator on me during sex. 

You have two choices here, have a serious heart to heart talk to your wife about your sexual needs and that you are very concerned that she is not being satisfied during sex and tell her you want to make it your number one priority to make sure she gets there everytime or as often as possible. Not all woman can have an orgasm everytime. Please be honest with her about your sexual needs. My husband was not honest with me about his sexual needs and it caused a world of hurt and mess in our marriage that we are still cleaning up 2 years later.

Your second choice is to hide the vibrator and see what happens. She may ask, she may look for sex more from you but frankly this may just piss her off.

If I was you I would take choice number one. All the best.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> I have to agree that I think your wife is not achieving orgasm through intercourse with you and using the vibrator in order to get a release. I do this myself when I have been unable to get to orgasm with my husband, the only difference is I don’t lie to my husband about not getting there nor do I use the vibrator instead of sex with my husband and most of the time i’ll ask him to use the vibrator on me during sex.
> 
> You have two choices here, have a serious heart to heart talk to your wife about your sexual needs and that you are very concerned that she is not being satisfied during sex and tell her you want to make it your number one priority to make sure she gets there everytime or as often as possible. Not all woman can have an orgasm everytime. Please be honest with her about your sexual needs. My husband was not honest with me about his sexual needs and it caused a world of hurt and mess in our marriage that we are still cleaning up 2 years later.
> 
> ...


Because you don't lie about it, your relationship will be much healthier. My wife has let me in on the secret. She said those women that say they orgasm from penetration are lying 90% of the time, even if they're getting hammered for hours by some guy that's hung like a donkey, the anatomy doesn't line up properly to get the job done. I don't know why women think that will hurt a man's feelings if she doesn't orgasm from penetration. He didn't design the human body.

Fellas, if you want to get it done for your lady, it's not in the hips, it's in the lips. My wife has said what women love about penetration is how intimate it is and how they enjoy how much pleasure it's bringing their man but it's not going to make them orgasm. A gentleman knows this, accepts it, and always makes sure his partner is taken care of in other ways.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

FaithfulHusband said:


> I prefer to have sex with my wife about every day, or every other day.
> 
> My wife of 15 years, who is 39 years old, says she wants and likes to have sex only about once a week because it's the frequency generated by her sex drive, yet she uses a vibrator about three times a week. She is not aware that I know this.
> 
> ...


Yes, especially if you see she has a newly chipped tooth and you missed out.....:crying:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Because you don't lie about it, your relationship will be much healthier. My wife has let me in on the secret. She said those women that say they orgasm from penetration are lying 90% of the time, even if they're getting hammered for hours by some guy that's hung like a donkey, the anatomy doesn't line up properly to get the job done. I don't know why women think that will hurt a man's feelings if she doesn't orgasm from penetration. He didn't design the human body.


Men can be sensitive too. The reason *I* think some men get their feelings hurt is because... they have! Still, honesty is the best policy. Protecting someone from hurt feelings is not always the best policy.



> Fellas, if you want to get it done for your lady, it's not in the hips, it's in the lips. My wife has said what women love about penetration is how intimate it is and how they enjoy how much pleasure it's bringing their man but it's not going to make them orgasm. A gentleman knows this, accepts it, and always makes sure his partner is taken care of in other ways.


YMMV. Some of us DO orgasm from penetration pretty much always. Knowing your partner is the best bet. So ladies be kind, but be HONEST.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

FaithfulHusband said:


> Then again there is no evidence to suggest that if she masturbated less, she'd want sex more. I'm using only my own experience as a reference point in that regard.


For me, there would be no difference. In fact, take away masturbation and I'm more stressed out, I sleep worse, I get sick more often and I have more headaches. All of this leads to a worse sex drive And no, I wouldn't go to my husband more, especially if he was the reason for it being taken away.




WildMustang said:


> This (to me) seems tantamount to a husband who watches porn and masturbates to it and then he has no mojo left for his wife.
> 
> Can someone help me understand how this situation is any different? (Where the wife masturbates with her toys and then she has no mojo left for the husband)


I can't speak for every woman, but for myself? If I have 20 orgasms with a vibrator and I want that 21st with my husband? Nothing can stop me, there isn't a waning of desire. There isn't a period after where I am disinterested in sex. I either want it or don't, and the vibrator doesn't scratch the sex desire and sex doesn't stop me from wanting to get off before I take a nap. 










The refractory periods for men and women have the potential to be very different. I haven't met or heard of many multi-orgasmic men. My husband rarely can have 2 in a row but it's difficult and draining on him. Me - I'm not going to brag about my record here but...it's a blessing.




Daisy12 said:


> I have to agree that I think your wife is not achieving orgasm through intercourse with you and using the vibrator in order to get a release. I do this myself when I have been unable to get to orgasm with my husband, the only difference is I don’t lie to my husband about not getting there nor do I use the vibrator instead of sex with my husband and most of the time i’ll ask him to use the vibrator on me during sex.


I mean, she might not be but at the same time...does it really matter? If she's lying about it to spare his feelings, but the sex is still awesome and he just wants more of it...that's what you need to ask for. Not monitoring vibrator usage and worrying about if she is really orgasming during sex. Unless he can see a direct correlation between real orgasms and sex drive, he may just have a wife who has sex for closeness and a vibrator for orgasms. 

And yes, unless you are prepared for some brutal, brutal truths and have shown that you can handle it AND your wife is a truth sayer...then you might get the real answer.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FaithfulHusband said:


> I prefer to have sex with my wife about every day, or every other day.
> 
> My wife of 15 years, who is 39 years old, says she wants and likes to have sex only about once a week because it's the frequency generated by her sex drive, yet she uses a vibrator about three times a week. She is not aware that I know this.
> 
> ...


I would say yes, in a nutshell this is something to be concerned about. How do you know the frequency that your wife uses a vibrator? There is a very slim chance that your wife orgasms nearly every time you guys have sex, and does so quickly. I'm guessing that she just wants the act of sex to be over, and "orgasms" so that you can then orgasm, and she can get on with her life. What time do you guys usually have sex? Like do you guys go to bed later, or do you go to bed earlier so that you can have your fun and still get to sleep at a half decent time? I was in a somewhat similar situation, but instead of us both being HD, I was HD and my husband was LD. He wanted it once a week or once every couple weeks, and only on a certain night when he had the opportunity to sleep in the next day. We went to bed later (by 11 or 11:30pm) because he liked to wind down in front of the TV at night. So, there was never really the opportunity because I get up at 5:30, and it didn't allow much time for sleep to begin with.

Long story short, if you already go to bed early and make time for it, and it's still not happening, that's a problem. If you're not doing this, try it for a few weeks to see if she responds. If she doesn't respond, it might be time to go to a marriage counsellor.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

:awink:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I hate to be "that guy" but I'll bet she's faking those very quick orgasms during intercourse to get it over with quickly. She's not enjoying the sex. She'll never tell you that because it would hurt your feelings and she loves you and doesn't want to do that. The vibrator, however, rocks her world and gets the job done. Orgasm via intercourse is rare in most women (only 20% orgasm from penetration) and even rarer to happen that soon after intercourse begins.


Use toys during sex can be another good ingredient for a fully cooked encounter. Key is not all the time but as both desire at the same time. Full disclosure; I'm fortunate, we have sex whenever any of us want it, good stuff. 33yrs good. Like all child rearing periods, things ebb and flow, but communication is key.


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I hate to be "that guy" but I'll bet she's faking those very quick orgasms during intercourse to get it over with quickly. She's not enjoying the sex. She'll never tell you that because it would hurt your feelings and she loves you and doesn't want to do that. The vibrator, however, rocks her world and gets the job done. Orgasm via intercourse is rare in most women (only 20% orgasm from penetration) and even rarer to happen that soon after intercourse begins.


Of course that could be true, and I would give it greater consideration if not for three things:

1) there is a decent percentage of the time that she will engage in a "quickie" for my benefit (I'm in the mood and she's not), she will have no orgasm, and has no problem telling me she had no orgasm despite the fact that I did,

2) when she does have an orgasm, it starts with very noticeable lubrication and "opening" via foreplay, involves a very gradual process that builds with consistent rhythmic movement, and never involves some theatrical "show" that comes out of nowhere, and

3) it's fairly routine that when she has an orgasm, mine comes significantly later, and so there would be little motivation for her to fake an orgasm to "end" the sex, since her orgasm rarely immediately causes one of my own.

And that has been consistent pattern over nearly 16 years, even when we were dating and there was not yet a commitment involved.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Fellas, if you want to get it done for your lady, it's not in the hips, it's in the lips. My wife has said what women love about penetration is how intimate it is and how they enjoy how much pleasure it's bringing their man but it's not going to make them orgasm. A gentleman knows this, accepts it, and always makes sure his partner is taken care of in other ways.


If your wife believes women can't orgasm as a consequence of penis in vagina stimulation alone, she is mistaken.

Some women can and do orgasm from penetrative sex, as NobodySpecial (who is a woman) has shared with you.

My wife can also orgasm via penetrative sex as well, and my wife and I even have stats on this. Since I have been keeping a sex diary for the first time this year. Which as it turns out is a chore for me to maintain, that said my wife likes this diary.

Anyway to illustrate my point what follows below are our stats from January of this year, which was a slower more vanilla month. As a consequence of a plethora of social and family activities that we attended. The parts about orgasm include details on how my wife reached those orgasms.

For background my wife is 47 years old and I'm 46 years old, and we've been sexual partners for close to 22 years (inclusive of an almost 19 year marriage).




> *January 2018 Sex Statistics*
> 
> *Shared Sex Frequency*
> 
> ...



The takeaway from the above is that my wife had sex on 17 occasions through January 2018, with two of those occasions being when she provided stand alone unreciprocated oral sex and did not orgasm herself.

For the 15 instances of the shared reciprocal sex that she had, she orgasmed on nine occasions and didn't orgasm on six occasions.

During those nine occasions, six of those orgasms occurred during penis in vagina sex (with no other additional clitoral stimulation). While the other three orgasms occurred, while she was receiving oral sex.

Incidentally of the 15 occasions when we shared reciprocal sex, one instance saw neither of us orgasm as a consequence of having to stop in order to attend to another activity.


I think it's better to think of it in the following way.

Some women can and do orgasm via penis in vagina penetration.

Some women can't and won't orgasm via penis in vagina penetration.

Some women can, yet won't end up having an orgasm via penis in vagina penetration (despite partner/s).

Some women can and haven't yet orgasmed via penis in vagina penetration.


One of the things we find with my wife's orgasm with me, is she tends to have orgasms every single time we have sex through a week and sometimes up to a fortnight. Then she won't have any orgasms for a few days straight or a week (all while doing what normally works), before another run of reliable and consecutive orgasms occurs again, then we rinse and repeat.

Another thing we find is it pays to be flexible, so what works one day doesn't always work in exactly the same way on the next day. So there are times when she goes animal and craves all when I bite her nipples, yet there are other times when she doesn't want me to touch her breasts or nipples at all yet she will still get off.

Likewise there are times when I give her oral sex and she goes off quite easily and other times where it requires more work and time, then there are the times when we call it quits because she isn't getting near it, to get there in the first place.

Mood unsurprisingly also has an impact, yet at the same time there are lots of occasions when that may not limit things either. So there are times when my wife is convinced she isn't going to have an orgasm at all via a penis in her vagina or through oral sex, yet she ends up having an orgasm that she talks about for a while, despite her mood and feelings on this to begin with at the time.


At the end of the day I just don't think there is one size that fits all (so not all of us are the best sexual fit for our partners). Or one way to do sex that is guaranteed to work for all, or all of the time with whomever you are with.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

That's a negative connotation there...no disrespect. To offer to wear a condom. @Diana7, kindly.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FrenchFry said:


> Mmm. Maybe, I am not your wife though.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



If I felt that my wife masturbated ‘at the expense’ of our sex frequency, I would have a problem with this. Especially if I desired a higher frequency with her, than her with me. (Which i think seems to be OP’s case). I also would understand if the situation was in reverse, quit masturbating and focus more on our sex life.

However in view of what you have written (explaining that you have separate ‘masturbatory sex drive’ and a ‘husband sex drive’...) I have to think about it more...

The issue still remains though: as your husband, I might still feel hurt since your preference for the vibrator would still be clear, even though you are implying that he shouldn’t feel hurt, since one activity has nothing to do with the other.

I am not sure that is entirely correct though: while the vibrator may not interfere with the need for sex frequency with your husband, the issue for me would be the fact that you will still be choosing the vibrator over your husband, implicitly or explicitly.

Your husband may obviously feel differently, but all of those things you have listed that your vibratory ‘does not care about’, would be a turn on for me, especially if I knew my wife was really desperate for an orgasm.
I would be left thoroughly confused why she would choose a toy over me.
OTOH, I would be turned on if she used a toy while I was not available/around. I think therein lies the distinction.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Johann Sebastian (Mar 20, 2018)

The real question should be: does it adversely affect your mutual sex life? If the answer is no, then it should not be a problem.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

That's an interesting take on masturbation @inmyprime.

For me as someone who usually masturbates twice a day (though sometimes I don't on any given day and sometimes go 3x on others), even on the days I have sex with my wife (usually sometime afterwards). I just don't care how often my wife masturbates or doesn't masturbate, with my knowledge or not whenever she pleases as she pleases.

It's her body and her orgasm, just as it's my body and my orgasm. Sometimes she shares her body and orgasm with me just as I sometimes share my body and orgasm with her. What we do with our bodies and orgasm outside of our sharing the same with each other in our time is up to ourselves.

I can't imagine feeling hurt by any sexual partner of mine, masturbating frequently or infrequently as they like, whether I am around or not. Just as I can't imagine being turned on by knowing any sexual partner of mine masturbates when I'm not around.

For me sharing sex is one thing and masturbating privately is something else apart from that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Personal said:


> That's an interesting take on masturbation @inmyprime.
> 
> For me as someone who usually masturbates twice a day (though sometimes I don't on any given day and sometimes go 3x on others), even on the days I have sex with my wife (usually sometime afterwards). I just don't care how often my wife masturbates or doesn't masturbate, with my knowledge or not whenever she pleases as she pleases.
> 
> ...


Ditto for me.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lots of comments on both sides here from people with a variety of responses to how their own orgasms do or do not affect subsequent desire. Either, neither, or both could be valid, depending entirely on one thing:

Does this masturbation take the place of partner sex or does it eliminate/reduce the desire for partner sex.

If no, than this is no problem.
If yes, then this is a problem.

Until OP is able to satisfactorily answer that question, all other speculation is ... well... just mental masturbation.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

inmyprime said:


> *Your husband may obviously feel differently, but all of those things you have listed that your vibratory ‘does not care about’, would be a turn on for me, especially if I knew my wife was really desperate for an orgasm.*


Possibly, but it is not a turn on for me...which would lead meh sex. So no orgasm and meh sex...eh.

Also, the catch is I'm not desperate for an orgasm per se, I'm mostly looking for a giant rush of hormones that allow me to sleep and be less stressed. Sex is somewhat of a crapshoot for that; one because sometimes it takes forever and sometimes it doesn't happen at all and also because it's a lot of athletic work which tends to wind me up, not calm me down.

I don't turn down my husband and go masturbate instead and if he wants to have sex, I'm generally down with it. But being real, that doesn't reflect my sex-drive, it reflects my nice-drive. If he's not around and I get a chance for a nap though? It's on.

My husband is also not a tool and has preferences of his own. It is not nice to use him as a tool if he doesn't want and/or can't be used as one. I know a lot of men say they would be okay with it but the reality of a vibrator session could be the equivalent to a a few hours of oral sex with a ten minute half-nap every hour or so. No assistance in getting off for you, also don't get tired and I'm going to sleep right after. I can entice my husband into that sometimes...but if it was at the "every other day" frequency, I think he'd re-evaluate.

I don't know, my husband doesn't have these sort of issues. He doesn't really care how much I masturbate. He encourages it because I am happier, more well rested and nicer. Me likewise with him.


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

FrenchFry said:


> Possibly, but it is not a turn on for me...which would lead meh sex. So no orgasm and meh sex...eh.
> 
> Also, the catch is I'm not desperate for an orgasm per se, I'm mostly looking for a giant rush of hormones that allow me to sleep and be less stressed. Sex is somewhat of a crapshoot for that; one because sometimes it takes forever and sometimes it doesn't happen at all and also because *it's a lot of athletic work which tends to wind me up, not calm me down.*
> 
> ...


The part I boldfaced above is something my wife has also remarked about over the years.

Are you sure you're not my wife? :wink2:


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

Personal said:


> That's an interesting take on masturbation @inmyprime.
> 
> For me as someone who usually masturbates twice a day (though sometimes I don't on any given day and sometimes go 3x on others), even on the days I have sex with my wife (usually sometime afterwards). I just don't care how often my wife masturbates or doesn't masturbate, with my knowledge or not whenever she pleases as she pleases.
> 
> ...


I feel this way about masturbation in marriage too, but the problem for me is whether the discharge of sexual energy via masturbation on her part diminishes our opportunities for connecting physically through sex, because her sexual energy may be depleted.

Think about the times you're simply laying in bed watching TV with your partner, and it builds to sex when you weren't even expecting it, resulting in a very mutually satisfying experience that heightens your connection to each other.

I have to wonder if those kinds of experiences can be anywhere near as prevalent when one partner's sexual energy has possibly been depleted by masturbation. The energy required to fuel those sorts of experiences possibly just isn't there, and then you have something less than a physical connection going on. And that isn't necessarily bad, just different.

I feel like saying, "leave the vibrator alone and see what happens with our sex life." And I'm not saying I _know_ what would happen, but I'm certainly curious. And I know it could go either way or stay the same.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Personal said:


> That's an interesting take on masturbation @inmyprime.
> 
> I can't imagine feeling hurt by any sexual partner of mine, masturbating frequently or infrequently as they like, whether I am around or not. Just as I can't imagine being turned on by knowing any sexual partner of mine masturbates when I'm not around.



Perhaps I didn’t express myself clearly: the issue for me (and for the OP, if I understood him correctly) wouldn’t be how much and whether my wife masturbated or not. The issue would be that sex frequency was significantly lower than I desired. Masturbation only comes into equation because it happens at a more frequent rate than sex with partner and the OP is obviously unhappy about it.

Put it this way: if you had the urge to have sex with your wife but she rejected you on several occasions but you found out later that she masturbated instead, what would you conclude? ‘Her body, she can do whatever she wants’: of course she can. But that’s besides the point. The OP obviously feels unhappy about the frequency.

Or if you reversed it: if your wife wanted to have sex with you but you preferred to masturbate to porn instead several times in a row, leaving her wanting. 
And if she asked why, you explained later that it’s because porn basically is less hassle, doesn’t care if you just had a shower, didn’t require any complex actions on your part or deep conversations beforehand etc; would she be ok with it?

In effect, she would perhaps feel she was just substituted for something else, perhaps something more convenient. While you are of course completely within your rights to use your body as you please.

In view of the fact that the OP is unhappy about the situation, I’m not sure yours and frenchfry’s situations are comparable. But I may be wrong.



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FaithfulHusband said:


> I feel this way about masturbation in marriage too, but the problem for me is whether the discharge of sexual energy via masturbation on her part diminishes our opportunities for connecting physically through sex, because her sexual energy may be depleted.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I think frenchfry’s point was that HER sexual energy doesn’t get depleted (at least towards her husband and that she seems less annoyed with him instead which is great).
But whether it applies to all/most women (and your wife specifically) is an interesting question. I can believe that men and women perhaps don’t ‘work’ the same way in that regard. I know I don’t feel as horny immediately after I masturbated but that is restored after some time.

I will ask my wife but I know she doesn’t really masturbate* and prefers to wait for me so may not be helpful.
But I think those are all things you might be well advised discussing with your wife directly...

*i don’t know whether that’s healthy either


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

FaithfulHusband said:


> I I have to wonder if those kinds of experiences can be anywhere near as prevalent when one partner's sexual energy has possibly been depleted by masturbation. The energy required to fuel those sorts of experiences possibly just isn't there, and then you have something less than a physical connection going on. And that isn't necessarily bad, just different.


I have never experienced this.

I'm not your wife but in my conversations with other women, it's not that uncommon. Part of the "being wound up" also involves that handy chart I posted - 










So, for example I can plateau and orgasm for a long time. If I don't hit the magic number to get me to the refractory period, I'm still wound up.

Vibrators are efficient at busting that plateau. Humans are not as efficient, but have a tendency to be far more pleasurable. Way more variables though.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FrenchFry said:


> I have never experienced this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I never knew one could chart the female sex drive/orgasm. I wouldn’t have thunk there would be enough paper in the world to present all the axes and colours properly to make it remotely comprehensible  Is there a link to the source? I wonder if it was my 14-year old nerdy neighbour kid who charted this during his latest acne outburst 


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

It looks like it is from a textbook called "Our Sexuality," by Robert Crooks. 12th edition. Looks like a good read.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FrenchFry said:


> It looks like it is from a textbook called "Our Sexuality," by Robert Crooks. 12th edition. Looks like a good read.




I will have a read. The problem I have with these graphs is that they are by their nature one dimensional...If the sole goal is the orgasm then ok but for many people the orgasm is not what it is all about. Maybe I’m naive but how are these graphs supposed to represent connection achieved between two people or intensity of the sexual encounter?

I asked my wife why she doesn’t masturbate and she said it’s ‘too much hassle’ for her. Why do it if I can do it for her, according to her. (I don’t know if she means it but I know she doesn’t normally masturbate and I also only do it if she is not available).
She comes fairly quickly both from oral or PIV 99.9% of the time. She also said she doesn’t like the build up from the vibrator; to her it doesn’t feel as gradual as when I do it and the sensation is too focused/too localised.
Don’t really know what that means and I don’t think I’m especially ‘skilful’. It’s more likely she has become more relaxed/in in tune with her body over the years (it wasn’t always as easy for her to orgasm, especially from PIV).
The ‘hit and miss’ sensations you experience: do they have more to do with how you feel or how you feel your husband might be ‘performing’? Just curious.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> I will have a read. The problem I have with these graphs is that they are by their nature one dimensional...If the sole goal is the orgasm then ok but for many people the orgasm is not what it is all about. Maybe I’m naive but how are these graphs supposed to represent connection achieved between two people or intensity of the sexual encounter?


Just a thought here. The analogy does get twisted, but hopefully the concept comes through.

No, these graphs do not measure "connection," just as there is no way to measure how good lobster or a fresh orange tastes. We can measure the caloric content, how much vitamin B it has, how much protein your getting, but there is no way to measure the taste in quantitative terms. We can only express it in qualitative terms that are, at best, subjective and squishy, just like the level of connection achieved in a sexual encounter. 

And while getting the nutrition is important, so is the taste. As human beings, we put a great deal of emphasis on not just the physical necessity of food, but also the pleasure it brings. Most humans aren't satisfied with just achieving adequate caloric and nutritional intake. Even the most ardent health food nut, completely devoted to avoiding all those unhealthy but oh, so yummy treats, will work hard to find was to prepare that kale and spinach in such a way as to tantalize the senses. 

So while the connection is important to a long term relationship, the orgasms spice things up, and for most, are necessary for satisfaction.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

inmyprime said:


> I will have a read. The problem I have with these graphs is that they are by their nature one dimensional...If the sole goal is the orgasm then ok but for many people the orgasm is not what it is all about. Maybe I’m naive but how are these graphs supposed to represent *connection achieved between two people or intensity of the sexual encounter*?


The bolded is the ephemeral stuff. That stuff is my "sex drive" and is variable. Which is why I may only want sex a couple times a week.

The chart is measured physical reactions. Start of erection, full erection, ejaculation, deflation. 




> I asked my wife why she doesn’t masturbate and she said it’s ‘too much hassle’ for her.


Maybe orgasms aren't her Ambien. 



> It’s more likely she has become more relaxed/in in tune with her body over the years (it wasn’t always as easy for her to orgasm, especially from PIV).


I've been multi-orgasmic since 14. The hardest thing was finding a partner willing to listen/perform without ego and have enough endurance. 



> The ‘hit and miss’ sensations you experience: do they have more to do with how you feel or how you feel your husband might be ‘performing’? Just curious.


Feeling and how he is treating me.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

FrenchFry said:


> The bolded is the ephemeral stuff. That stuff is my "sex drive" and is variable. Which is why I may only want sex a couple times a week.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No, they definitely are. Maybe she learnt ‘letting things go’ over time and feel more relaxed as a result. It wasn’t always like this. Especially when she was ‘withholding’ sex and stopping herself feeling sexual feelings whenever she felt ****ty about me or herself. Orgasms are mostly in the mind after all.





FrenchFry said:


> I've been multi-orgasmic since 14. The hardest thing was finding a partner willing to listen/perform without ego and have enough endurance.
> 
> 
> 
> Feeling and how he is treating me.



‘Treating’ you during the act? Or generally? If generally then that means the reason you might be finding it more ‘variable’ with partner might be more psychological rather than physiological. Which doesn’t mean it’s easier to ‘fix’ (and it probably doesn’t need to be fixed if it works for both of you). But not sure ‘superhuman’ vibrator performance has as much to do with it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Just a thought here. The analogy does get twisted, but hopefully the concept comes through.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wouldn’t the more appropriate analogy have more to do with going to the restaurant with your partner versus drinking food replacement drinks/shakes in your room by yourself?
Some might be curious why the latter should be preferable. Or rather, whether the menu might need to be changed around a bit or perhaps picking a whole different restaurant altogether...Or whether it might have something to do with the restaurant being so far out of the way that it’s so much more convenient to just fill yourself up in your own room with drinks...



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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

FaithfulHusband said:


> I prefer to have sex with my wife about every day, or every other day.
> 
> My wife of 15 years, who is 39 years old, says she wants and likes to have sex only about once a week because it's the frequency generated by her sex drive, yet she uses a vibrator about three times a week. She is not aware that I know this.
> 
> ...


Sex and masturbation serve different functions.

In my 30s, I wanted sex once a day, and masturbated more often. Now, at 60, I want sex every few days, and masturbate once or twice a day. This varies with lover, though - my present lover is about my size and to do the job right requires a fair bit of athletic performance as I move her body around in the various ways that ensure a complete experience for her. If she weighed less, it wouldn't take as much out of me.

Masturbation is about quick personal physical pleasure. Sex is about deepening the bond between myself and my lover. When having sex, my attention is on her. With my present lover, my attention is on slowing her down so the experience lasts longer, with others, it's been about giving her constant variable attention so she can achieve orgasm or for some, continuing to increase the surprise factor so she'll have another one or two orgasms.

Ask her what it is about sexual intercourse with you that's not interesting enough to do more often. Does she feel it's too mechanical? Do it the same way every time? Does she think she has to be too physically involved? Many women dislike sex if it's over too quickly, perhaps you need to figure out how to do it so she doesn't orgasm too quickly?

Overall, this seems resolvable, but my sense is you're not communicating with each other well enough...and given your spying, there's certainly a breach of trust that's happened, which is a downer for either gender.

DD


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## FaithfulHusband (Jan 20, 2018)

Just an update here: my wife's vibrator hasn't been used for the past 18 days, and during that time she's initiated sex with me four times.


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## klimax2gether (Apr 11, 2018)

I am fascinated by the stats. We are married for more than 20 years. During the last couple of months we have sex twice a week and always I will see my wife orgasms before me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't know about you, but sometimes I like to go the Capital Grill for a dining experience, and sometimes I like to go to Wendy's.

Sometimes it's just about time and level of effort. I'd suggest co-masturbating if you aren't already doing so.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FaithfulHusband said:


> The other thing to consider here is that pre-cancerous cells were found on my wife's cervix about six months ago. They were immediately removed in the same OB/GYN visit in which they were discovered, but we have yet to have the follow-up appointment in which there is a check of whether any cells are still there, or have returned.
> 
> Since that time my wife has (understandably) been far more concerned than usual about vaginal sterility, and she considers semen left in the vagina as eventually becoming non-sterile and potentially causing infection.
> 
> ...


I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this....semen itself doesn't cause cervical cancer, the HPV virus does. Did your wife's doctor not explain this to her? Did she not mention she has an std? You might have it too. 

Cervical Cancer Causes, Diagnosis and Symptoms : NCCC


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You may want to read this thread also.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/414353-oral-sex-causing-oral-cancer-epidemic-men.html


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I don't know why I revived this thread a bit.....
I'm sure OP has been advised somewhere, bring a vibrator with you for your next get together. Don't tell her in advance, just bring it out and correctly start to use it as you have sex. 

You'll get to know your W better and she'll very, very likely just roll with it and enjoy it with you. *get a good one, angled, and not a cheap one. Some of the best aren't "traditionally" shaped but have an angled oval at the end.

Always a hit. Really. Always.

I've always used one when giving back rubs and "front" rubs many diff partners before marriage and now.

Being a visual person, using it on women (woman now) has always been a truly wonderful source of enjoyment and entertainment for all involved. 

And I started this activity when I was 18. I love the female form. &#55357;&#56842;

PS I'd have started this action at 14 if I wasn't your typical youngster, just trying to get to know the female form. I had to ride my bike to get to various houses after school then, transportation was my biggest problem in rural America. It's that much fun to include one during an encounter.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Always a hit. Really. Always.


Beware of such blanket statements.

If this were universally true, there'd be a lot of us with far more interesting sex lives.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> WildMustang said:
> 
> 
> > This (to me) seems tantamount to a husband who watches porn and masturbates to it and then he has no mojo left for his wife.
> ...


I completely agree.

Honestly, masturbation should happen AFTER and IN ADDITION TO meeting your spouse's needs, not instead of.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@RMY 

That is true. Nothing like this is always.....
I've never, in my experience had it go amiss but that (obviously &#55357;&#56842 doesn't include all sampling ie all women..
But you can tell I'm an enthusiastic believer. &#55357;&#56841;&#55357;&#56841;


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @RMY
> 
> That is true. Nothing like this is always.....
> I've never, in my experience had it go amiss but that (obviously ��) doesn't include all sampling ie all women..
> But you can tell I'm an enthusiastic believer. ����


I always appreciate an optimistic attitude. We should all be able to find experiences to justify such an outlook!


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Mutual masturbation....a really fun activity. We pick that when we both want to have an orgasm, have a little intimacy but are too lazy/tired to put in the prep/work for regular sex. My wife used to defer sex until the next day if she was feeling 0% sexual. Now, at those times, she will suggest "jack and jill" to get the intimacy and a quick shot of oxycontin. This happens about twice a month and is great fun. It's usually quick from total start to post cleanup...15 minutes. A nice quick blast of feel good and nobody feels rejected. 

She was resistant to anything at first on the days she had ZERO sex drive but I asked her, "have you ever had an orgasm while with me and thought afterwards, 'i wish i had not done that' or ' i felt better before I had that orgasm' ?" Her answer was "no" and she decided to give it a shot and we never looked back. Now she does have around 1 day a month where she just doesn't want anything, orgasm or intimacy and just wants to veg out. On those days, I give her a lengthy back massage and actually use our "vibrating massager" as an actual back massager (haha). She has learned that I get intimacy through doing this and she feels loved. win/win

Say YES first......you can always change your mind if a legitimate reason arises.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

PigglyWiggly said:


> Mutual masturbation....she will suggest "jack and jill" to get the intimacy and a quick shot of oxycontin.


Yes, "Jack and Jill". Also known as "Frick and Frack". >


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## SkiLifer (Jun 3, 2018)

My wife masturbates a ton and it's only increased after she gave birth to our son. I don't mind and she doesn't hide it. I wouldn't be concerned.


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## ILoveWomen (Jun 11, 2018)

For starters and not to be critical at all but you have been married for 15 years and she does not know that you know she uses a vibrator regularly? There might be something else there.

Masturbation and sex are different things. There is such a thing as vibrator addiction. The unwavering pulse that never tires and never asks questions that can bring her to orgasm every time can really become a hard habit to break. You have to tell her you know this and talk about it. Think about using sex toys with her see what it is that turns her on. Giving a woman an orgasm by what ever means is the sexiest thing I can think of.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

FaithfulHusband said:


> The other thing to consider here is that pre-cancerous cells were found on my wife's cervix about six months ago. They were immediately removed in the same OB/GYN visit in which they were discovered, but we have yet to have the follow-up appointment in which there is a check of whether any cells are still there, or have returned.
> 
> Since that time my wife has (understandably) been far more concerned than usual about vaginal sterility, and she considers semen left in the vagina as eventually becoming non-sterile and potentially causing infection.
> 
> ...


So, this is a recent development based on the procedure and vaginal issues she is presently having? Please support her and her choices right now. Temporary bouts of masturbation may be necessary in health situations in a marriage.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

PigglyWiggly said:


> Mutual masturbation....a really fun activity. We pick that when we both want to have an orgasm, have a little intimacy but are too lazy/tired to put in the prep/work for regular sex. My wife used to defer sex until the next day if she was feeling 0% sexual. Now, at those times, she will suggest "jack and jill" to get the intimacy and a quick shot of oxycontin. This happens about twice a month and is great fun. It's usually quick from total start to post cleanup...15 minutes. A nice quick blast of feel good and nobody feels rejected.
> 
> She was resistant to anything at first on the days she had ZERO sex drive but I asked her, "have you ever had an orgasm while with me and thought afterwards, 'i wish i had not done that' or ' i felt better before I had that orgasm' ?" Her answer was "no" and she decided to give it a shot and we never looked back. Now she does have around 1 day a month where she just doesn't want anything, orgasm or intimacy and just wants to veg out. On those days, I give her a lengthy back massage and actually use our "vibrating massager" as an actual back massager (haha). She has learned that I get intimacy through doing this and she feels loved. win/win
> 
> Say YES first......you can always change your mind if a legitimate reason arises.


I think you are referring to oxytocin, not oxycontin - no worries, they are spelled similar but they are very different. 

And you guys just sound like the most awesome people. What a great guy you are to approach your wife with such terrific conversation.


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