# My wife wants me to sell my sports car as a symbolic gesture



## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

my wife wants me to sell my rare sports car. She says that she moved away from her native country and away from her family for me, and made various other sacrifices but I have never sacrificed something that meant something to me.

Of course that's not true, I sacrifice a lot, it's just that I don't make a big deal of it once I've committed to sacrificing it. The car on the other hand, I do have an issue with because I feel like it's emotional blackmail.

Its true that 11 years ago I was a bit of an ass, and I coerced her to do some things that I felt was for her own good or the good of the family, and it didn't turn out too good. I really hated living in her native country and I had to leave because it was driving me crazy, and after leaving the country her father died shortly; also we weren't that rich at the time and we were giving money to her mom, but the mom wasn't in turn giving the money to the dad for his medical bills; I said I didn't want to give any extra money to the dad because the mom should be giving him the money. Anyway, after his death, of course she blamed me.

I also used to have a bit of a temper problem that I'm doing everything in my power to control. I found out recently that I have a blood sugar problem which contributed to grumpiness in the morning, so I'm going to deal with that. The point is, I'm doing everything I can to make her happy. I don't feel people should be penalized for mistakes, as long as they're actively trying their best to make things better.

But the car is still an issue for her. She feels that if I give this up, then it's symbolic that I am willing to give up something that is important to me for her. I feel that we should try very hard to make each other happy - she shouldn't want harm to come to me. I am definitely trying very hard to make her happy.

The car is not more important than her or the kids. I would sell the car in a second, if the family needed the money. But they don't, so it's a pointless exercise in sadism in my opinion. I am a principled person, so the thought of punishing myself over a "symbolic gesture" does not sit well with me.

Anyway - what do you guys think? Sell the car? Or not? If not - how should I approach this? This car is my dream car, and it has a lot of value. Even if I were "allowed" to get a sports car in the future, I'm not really that interested - it's only my car that I'm interested in.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The issue isn't the car and whether to sell it. The issue is that your relationship is at this point to begin with. Her telling you to sell the car is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't do it. Seriously, you'll regret it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hang onto the car and get your wife to talk about the resentment and blame instead.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP i think you and your wife have a lot of things to work on in this marriage and your car is probably down the list to be dealing with.

Hopefully you guys can get back on track and you still have your car.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Tell her you've researched it and discovered that selling a good, used wife will actually bring more profit than the car. Oh, and the symbolism is delish!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The two of you have problems but it's not the car. Don't sell it.


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> The issue isn't the car and whether to sell it. The issue is that your relationship is at this point to begin with. Her telling you to sell the car is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.



I totally agree. But how do I treat the symptom?

I have tried to get to the ROOT CAUSE of the problem.

Recently she had a minor fungus problem that I asked her to get treated. She wasn't interested in treating it, so I nagged her to do it. She has to treat it 3 times, once every 6 weeks. The first time she did it, she asked me to sell the car because she said that I forced her to treat it. The second time she treated it was yesterday, and we had the "sell the car" discussion again.

A few days after the first discussion, she actually calmed down a little and she said I didn't need to sell the car any more. I feel if I play my cards right, she'll do the same again in a few days time. But the problem is that this thing keeps coming back to bug me over and over, because at the back of her mind I have not sacrificed anything for her.

It's a matter of time before I do something wrong and she'll ask me to sell the car again. Any time she's mad at me, the car is sitting there in the garage "mocking" her and I guess symbolizing my ego or arrogance or is some phallic misgynistic trophy that represents everything she hates about me.

If I had a guarantee that she will not let the past come back to haunt me ever again, then I'd be willing to sell the car to trade for that alone. But of course, there is no guarantee that will ever happen.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What exactly have you sacrificed for this marriage? 
I wouldn't sell the car, it's not going to fix anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> Tell her you've researched it and discovered that selling a good, used wife will actually bring more profit than the car. Oh, and the symbolism is delish!


Damn.


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Hang onto the car and get your wife to talk about the resentment and blame instead.


I am an extremely rational and logical person, but some people cannot respond well to rational discussion. How can you combat an emotional issue with a rational response? It's like trying to fight a fire with antivirus software.

I have to appeal to the irrational emotional side.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would not sell the car!

she's blackmailing you. tell her you love her and your family and if thats not enough then she is always free to leave.

and if she leaves you can pick up some hot chicks with that car!!!!!!


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> What exactly have you sacrificed for this marriage?
> I wouldn't sell the car, it's not going to fix anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Leaving her native country was the right decision. It was sh!t. If we had lived there, when the kids grow up they would leave the country because it's over-crowded and there are not enough tertiary education opportunities.

Right now I live like a king, there I lived literally like a pauper by the standards of the country I'm currently in.

To me: what's the point in investing in the past? What's the point in being close to her relatives if they're going to die at some time, and then our kids will leave and then we'll be alone? I would rather invest in the future. Go to a place where the kids have a future, and then even in our old age we have a family we can be a part of. That is the cold, brutal, logical reality. The problem is very few people have the willpower to do something about reality, and coping with a decision once it's made.

So even though it appears that she sacrificed her native country, is it really a sacrifice? I don't see it that way, any more than spending 4 years to get a University degree is "sacrifice". It's not sacrifice - it's trading one thing for another. But emotion is not about logic, it's about emotion.

I sacrificed a lot, I have to listen to a lot of her ideas and just give in, because she "gives in" to the major decisions like where we live. So she has control over much of our social life and home life even if I disagree with it. The problem is, that many of our family friends husbands do the same thing - so is what I'm doing sacrificing? Just because the other husbands don't have any life to themselves, doesn't mean it's any less of a sacrifice on my part. I sacrified my social life, so that she could build up her network of friends. Now she has a pretty good social network, so I have begun to reclaim a bit of my own life, including the car and the social benefits of having a performance car. I have met and befriended many car enthusiasts because of it.

To her - I get everything "my way". But have I? All the nice things I have in my life I worked for. The car is a one time cost (more or less). It's not something that I am constantly buying, like a collection hobby of some sort. Once the car is paid for (which it is), there is no more cost to it (more or less) because I don't ever intend to sell the car. In 20 years time, I will still have this car - will it be such a big deal in 20 years time?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Her wanting you to sell the car is just a struggle for control in the relationship. She wants to make you lose something so she can feel either more powerful or less resentment for her own losses (neither will actually have the effect she thinks she wants). You need to stand firm and tell her 'no'. Then you need to find a way to comfort her. She feels she has lost more than she has gained. Work on the gain side of things, because you can't change the past from the present. 

Secondly, make sure that she can trust you with the household finances and so forth. Women get nervous when they think that they might face financial insecurity. Ensure that this will not be an issue, or at the very least, comfort her if you are going through tough times with a plan to get it all sorted out.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Do not give in. Don't sell the car.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

carroll101 said:


> I am an extremely rational and logical person, but some people cannot respond well to rational discussion. How can you combat an emotional issue with a rational response? It's like trying to fight a fire with antivirus software.
> 
> I have to appeal to the irrational emotional side.


" honey, I know you feel like me selling my car is a symbolic gesture, but I need to know what's really going on here? You know how much this would hurt me yet you want me to do it. Have I don't something that hurts you?"

Then you shut up and listen.

Then report back here for further advice


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

carroll101 said:


> I have to listen to a lot of her ideas and just give in . . . she has control over much of our social life and home life even if I disagree with it.


Stop doing this right now. It will destroy your marriage. Show her that you have her best interests in mind, but do not let her control you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why would you even bother to nag her to treat a fungus infection that SHE had?? That's her problem, unless you make it yours.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

When I sold by sports car and bike, it was because I wanted too! Not because someone else wanted me too. Why does your wife feel she can tell you to get rid of something that brings you joy? Why can't you just tell her no and leave it at that? Does she take things out on you when you disagree with her or is she just angry at you?


BTW, Its years latter now and I'm looking forward to replacing them, and she is too. Why isn't it the same in your marriage?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Do not give in. Don't sell the car.


You, my friend, need to get back to fasting and chatting with your clergy!


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

MSP said:


> Her wanting you to sell the car is just a struggle for control in the relationship. She wants to make you lose something so she can feel either more powerful or less resentment for her own losses (neither will actually have the effect she thinks she wants). You need to stand firm and tell her 'no'. Then you need to find a way to comfort her. She feels she has lost more than she has gained. Work on the gain side of things, because you can't change the past from the present.


Yes, but I see this as like the fight over Israel. Who is right? Israel? Palestine? Even if you were to give the best logic (and both sides have tried) - the other side just won't agree because there is so much emotional baggage attached.

Last night she told me, why don't I marry someone else who can appreciate my car and my other hobbies and without the ghosts of the past? She has a point, but my family means more to me than the car or my hobbies. It's not about keeping the car or not, there's no rational reason to give it up. I worked so hard at the marriage, turning myself from an @sshole into someone half decent, and I am improving day by day. But sometimes I'm going to make mistakes, and lose my temper.

I've invested so much into becoming a better man for her, and I'm not going to take the easy way out and just marry someone else. Giving up never solves anything, because you will just bring the unresolved issues with you. And there's no guarantee that any future wife is not going to screw me over either.

She brought up the example of my friend who got divorced. His ex didn't allow him to buy a big screen TV or indulge in his hobbies. Now he has everything he wants and a new wife and is very happy.

Good for him - but that doesn't mean giving up is the answer. I got to where I am, with the ability to buy a nice car because I worked hard. I also work hard at my marriage. I tired of not being appreciated for my efforts, so I wonder, if indulging in her symblic gesture might work.

It's irrational, but maybe that's what's needed to deal with an irrational person? I appreciate everyone giving me rational advice, but to be honest, I don't need it. I am plenty rational. I need advice on how to deal with the emotional irrational side.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

carroll101 said:


> It's irrational, but maybe that's what's needed to deal with an irrational person? I appreciate everyone giving me rational advice, but to be honest, I don't need it. I am plenty rational. I need advice on how to deal with the emotional irrational side.


Could that be part of the problem, you both see yourselves as rational and the each other as irrational?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

That whooshing sound is the point you're missing flying about 100 feet overhead. 

She feels like she is missing your care of her. She probably needs more emotional attention, more affection, stuff like that. I suspect this is true due to how you communicate here. She is not feeling like you are emotionally attached to her enough. She's emotionally hungry. So she tests you. She tries to get you to give things up in order to feed that emotional hole. She tempts you with divorce to hear you tell her that she is the only one for you.

And you give her logic. Dude.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Oh, and when you do show her affection, don't do it in a way where you look for her approval. She obvious wants you to be a leader for her, too. This is certainly more likely for women who come from more traditional cultures, as it sounds like your wife does. So, be strong, but also be caring and affectionate. 

Easy.


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

Resentment is a relationship killer. There is a much larger issue in your marriage than that car. Any chance the two of you could get some counseling?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MSP said:


> That whooshing sound is the point you're missing flying about 100 feet overhead.
> 
> She feels like she is missing your care of her. *She probably needs more emotional attention, more affection, stuff like that. I suspect this is true due to how you communicate here. She is not feeling like you are emotionally attached to her enough. She's emotionally hungry. *So she tests you. She tries to get you to give things up in order to feed that emotional hole. She tempts you with divorce to hear you tell her that she is the only one for you.
> 
> And you give her logic. Dude.


So wish I could like this 100 times!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

carroll101 said:


> Leaving her native country was the right decision. It was sh!t. If we had lived there, when the kids grow up they would leave the country because it's over-crowded and there are not enough tertiary education opportunities.
> 
> Right now I live like a king, there I lived literally like a pauper by the standards of the country I'm currently in.
> 
> ...



Oh I completely agree that selling the car won't solve anything, and leaving her country might well have been the right thing to do. That doesn't make it easy to leave your home and family though, even if it's a sh!thole, so I'd start by simply acknowledging that. I'm dying to know what country though, so we can gage the level of sh!thole  

It seems like you're both convinced you're right and got the short end of the stick. Maybe you guys need to each make a list if things you feel like you sacrificed and spend some time acknowledging each others lists? Maybe that can start better communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

MSP said:


> That whooshing sound is the point you're missing flying about 100 feet overhead.
> 
> She feels like she is missing your care of her. She probably needs more emotional attention, more affection, stuff like that. I suspect this is true due to how you communicate here. She is not feeling like you are emotionally attached to her enough. She's emotionally hungry. So she tests you. She tries to get you to give things up in order to feed that emotional hole. She tempts you with divorce to hear you tell her that she is the only one for you.
> 
> And you give her logic. Dude.


I agree with you. And I do give her plenty of affection. The problem is when I make a mistake.

When I make a mistake, she is really pissed so it makes it really hard to be affectionate etc., I'm just really stepping on eggshells trying not to make her angry. It's during these times that she feels emotionally detached and thus prone to asking for me to sell the car.

The problem is, sometimes my temper does get the better of me. I realize it is related to low blood sugar, so I'm going to deal with it, but I'm still afraid I'll get angry over something and then she'll get mad at me for days and ask me to sell the car again. I don't get violent or anything, I just raise my voice and get argumentative.

Ideally I want to get to a place where I'm allowed to make reasonable mistakes without sending her off into an emotional downward spiral. I would like her to get angry with me and just tell me to stop, and that's that. I think her lack of grace or patience with me on this issue is to do with all the stuff she feels she had endured all these years, and "enough is enough".

In my opinion, forgiveness is constant. I will never be perfect.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I agree with what was said.

Car is not the issue, you need to get to the bottom of what the issue is.

My first step would be to make a list of things you scarified for her. At that point have a serious conversation with her and point out all the items on the list.

After that, I would simply say "honey, clearly I already sacrificed a lot and I don't feel like car is the issue. Can you please clearly communicate to me what's bothering you so we can do our best to resolve it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"It's a matter of time before I do something wrong and she'll ask me to sell the car again."

There's your answer. This isn't about the car. She knows it's something you value and griping about that is her way of lashing out at you when she's pissed (about anything). If it wasn't the car, it would be something else. She can't beat you up, so she uses the only power available to her. Just for giggles, what does she propose y'all should do with the proceeds if you did sell the car? 

Having said that, if she grew up in a really poor country and that car is worth an obscene amount of money and it's just sitting there, I can understand how it might make her feel incredibly guilty because she understands how little her family members and friends have. I've lived in some really poor countries and I couldn't own obvious trappings of luxury even if I were extremely wealthy. Just couldn't do it. I'd be thinking of the hundreds I could be feeding with that money. I expect it would be much worse for someone who actually was related to really poor people.


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> "It's a matter of time before I do something wrong and she'll ask me to sell the car again."
> 
> There's your answer. This isn't about the car. She knows it's something you value and griping about that is her way of lashing out at you when she's pissed (about anything). If it wasn't the car, it would be something else. She can't beat you up, so she uses the only power available to her. Just for giggles, what does she propose y'all should do with the proceeds if you did sell the car?
> 
> Having said that, if she grew up in a really poor country and that car is worth an obscene amount of money and it's just sitting there, I can understand how it might make her feel incredibly guilty because she understands how little her family members and friends have. I've lived in some really poor countries and I couldn't own obvious trappings of luxury even if I were extremely wealthy. Just couldn't do it. I'd be thinking of the hundreds I could be feeding with that money. I expect it would be much worse for someone who actually was related to really poor people.


That's the irony, she's actually from one of the wealthiest countries in the world. The problem is that it's so expensive there, that we didn't have a very high standard of living because we weren't rich.

I don't want to say the country, because it's too personal and might be tracked if for some ridiculous chance she might google the country and this thread comes up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

carroll101 said:


> That's the irony, she's actually from one of the wealthiest countries in the world. The problem is that it's so expensive there, that we didn't have a very high standard of living because we weren't rich.
> 
> I don't want to say the country, because it's too personal and might be tracked if for some ridiculous chance she might google the country and this thread comes up.


Pay attention to unbelievable's second paragraph, though...

And I suspect that if your wife googles her country's name, there's a number of other sites that would come up before TAM... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’ve seen this play out before.. Finally, to console her, you’ll sell it. And there’s a bit of resentment there. Her; Happy… for about a month. Then she feels that resentment and regret you’ll feel. She feels guilty if she gets anything nice and can ‘see the look in your eye’. Gets angry because somehow it’s your fault she feel these things “I should not feel guilty!” And basically it all gets worse because the original issue had nothing to do with the car… and all she’s really done is introduce a new issue as well as a false exchange rate into the marriage of tit-for-tat.


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

You're all correct. And that's also why I don't want this.

But what can I do about it?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

carroll101 said:


> You're all correct. And that's also why I don't want this.
> 
> But what can I do about it?


Try to get her into counseling to find out what the real problems are? Go through a workbook like "his needs, her needs" with her?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sell the car and stop at Jarred's on your way home and buy her a diamond.

then turn in your man card at the door as you leave Jarred's. then end up in a sexless marriage.

or maybe some good old fashion communication. If she acts all pi$$y and hurt and won't listen to reason then it might be time to rethink staying married.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

carroll101 said:


> You're all correct. And that's also why I don't want this.
> 
> But what can I do about it?


Explain to her marriage isn't about tit for tat and if she continues to harbor ill will towards you for moving out of her home country, then you will have no choice but to have her seek counseling.

THAT is what you can do about it. It's really that simple.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Do not sell it! 

I sold my 1965 Mustang Fastback almost 20 years ago and I still regret it to this day.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

soccermom2three said:


> Do not sell it!
> 
> I sold my 1965 Mustang Fastback almost 20 years ago and I still regret it to this day.


Nice car!!!!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

carroll101 said:


> You're all correct. And that's also why I don't want this.
> 
> But what can I do about it?


For starters, you can stop minimizing your behavior i.e. a 'bit of an ass' and a 'bit of a temper'. That's like saying a woman is a little bit pregnant.

You need to get her into counseling with you and explore why you feel (or felt) the need to coerce her into doing things that didn't turn out well. And, then, you need to dig deep and really apologize and make her truly feel you're sincere. It also wouldn't hurt if you stopped bullying her.

Or, you can look forward to her getting her grins watching you squirm every time she mentions your sports car.


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> For starters, you can stop minimizing your behavior i.e. a 'bit of an ass' and a 'bit of a temper'. That's like saying a woman is a little bit pregnant.


I minimize it because her behavior is worse. She's broken things which I have never done, she's yelled harder and longer and swore harder and she calls me names which I almost never do. She says she's allowed to get angry, but I'm never allowed to. She says she has to win every argument and I have to be the better man and just give in.



Blondilocks said:


> You need to get her into counseling with you and explore why you feel (or felt) the need to coerce her into doing things that didn't turn out well. And, then, you need to dig deep and really apologize and make her truly feel you're sincere. It also wouldn't hurt if you stopped bullying her.


That was 11 years ago. I have not coerced her since, except for the recent fungal problem. Do you think I should have to sell my car because of that? I never threatened her if she didn't do it, unlike her who has threatened me many times with many things if I don't do what she wants. So, you still think I'm the bully?

I may be held responsible for bullying her 11 years ago, if you could call it that - but how long, in your books, should I pay for that?

ps. I only asked her to go for a consultation and see how she felt about the treatment. I was surprised that she went ahead with the treatment on the same day. After the first treatment, I asked her to stop further treatment because she expressed discomfort - and she said I was only asking her to stop because I didn't want to sell the car. Then yesterday I was surprised again when she said she finished the second treatment, and then proceeded to attack me for "forcing" her to start the treatment in the first place.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The car is the symptom of your wife's resentment. Don't sell it unless you want to.

You want to remove the resentment and that's where counseling helps. Once you have sincerely apologized you can stop 'paying' for that transgression. Then you can start to build boundaries about the other nonsense such as yelling, winning arguments, breaking things. How old are you two? Are these tantrums conducted in front of your children?


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Do not sell it!
> 
> I sold my 1965 Mustang Fastback almost 20 years ago and I still regret it to this day.


ohhhh nooo!!!!


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Do not sell the car!!!!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

carroll101 said:


> I may be held responsible for bullying her 11 years ago, if you could call it that - but how long, in your books, should I pay for that?.


You are married; So it's a life sentence. You shouldn't 'pay for' it, you should find a way to make peace with it. Ask her how you can help her find that peace. Help is giving... not taking away.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can't resolve suffering by causing more suffering.
It doesn't cancel out. 
The good news is, she's overt about wanting revenge, and not passive aggressively taking it out on you.
Can you ask her what she would like to get out of the next part of her life, and how you could work together to make that happen?
I don't see that selling a sports car is going to factor into that, except if some kind of financing is needed for her goal to have something to call her own in life. Sounds like she's struggling for control, after not being in control of things that aren't really in our control to begin with (death, what other people do with money sent to them, your former self who agreed to a move that's water under the bridge...) Selling a sports car is something tangible she can control, but it's not really what she wants to control. She wants your participation in something that's meaningful to her? Not her giving in, which is really her issue to begin with, but a lot of women make that mistake, agreeing to things they later regret. Goes with the territory, kind of codependent maybe.. but whatever. People change. Time passes, they realize their life is going by and they panic and think, hey, if he sells his sports car, I'll have company in my suffering. Maybe she could go for a ride in it, some kind of memorable ride that would make her want to keep it?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Wow, there is a lot here....I will give you my Female Interpretation. Not sure how accurate it is, since I am a different Female obviously than the wife, but here goes:



carroll101 said:


> my wife wants me to sell my rare sports car. *She says that she moved away from her native country and away from her family for me, and made various other sacrifices but I have never sacrificed something that meant something to me.*


This suggests to me that your wife feels that she made a very large sacrifice in moving, and you do not appreciate it. In her eyes, you have not had to make anything close to the sacrifice that she has made. She is trying to show you what it cost her to "even the score." 




> Of course that's not true, I sacrifice a lot, it's just that I don't make a big deal of it once I've committed to sacrificing it.


So do you feel like your wife is making a big deal out of her sacrifice? I suspect she is making a big deal because it WAS a big to her. But let's go on.



> The car on the other hand, I do have an issue with because I feel like it's emotional blackmail.


My translator is turned off- I would not want to give up a prize possession either, just to prove something.



> Its true that 11 years ago I was a bit of an ass, and I coerced her to do some things that I felt was for her own good or the good of the family, and it didn't turn out too good. I really hated living in her native country and I had to leave because it was driving me crazy, and after leaving the country her father died shortly; also we weren't that rich at the time and we were giving money to her mom, but the mom wasn't in turn giving the money to the dad for his medical bills; I said I didn't want to give any extra money to the dad because the mom should be giving him the money. Anyway, after his death, of course she blamed me.


So, these are big deals here. 
1. You "coerced" her away from her family, including her ill father.
2. Even though her father was ill, you didn't want to give her family more money to help him, you thought that the money you were giving the mother should suffice.
3. Father dies. Now wife is very angry. She missed the last available amount of time she would ever get with her father and assumedly his care was not as good or he was not as comfortable as he could have been if you'd given him more money.

I know in many cultures/countries outside the US, where I am from, it is a matter of course that the kids support the parents in their older age, or even just send money back to help their siblings/cousins/nephews/nieces etc. 

I don't blame you for wanting to move to a place with a better future, or being careful with your funds. 

I think the main thing though is that you did, in fact, have your own way. It sounds as if your wife was not in agreement with moving and she was not in agreement with the financial actions. 

It's also huge that her father died not that long after the move. I actually moved home to help take care of my father before he died. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and I am very, very grateful I had the opportunity to be there with him and for him. The fact that she was forced to leave ("coerced" was your word) when her father was sick- yeah, I can see how that might create a deep resentment within her.



> I also used to have a bit of a temper problem that I'm doing everything in my power to control. I found out recently that I have a blood sugar problem which contributed to grumpiness in the morning, so I'm going to deal with that. The point is, I'm doing everything I can to make her happy. I don't feel people should be penalized for mistakes, as long as they're actively trying their best to make things better.


When you say, "I used to", how far back is that? Are we talking years? Months? Days? Hours? Because as a Female, what I read here is that you are hot-tempered and cranky pretty often. 

Many people who have a bad temper don't realize how destructive it is to their relationships. It makes someone feel uncared for and unsafe. When you then do something nice for her, she is just waiting for the next shoe to drop.

BTW I suspect that you feel the same way about her- you are just waiting knowing that sooner or later, she is going to go off on you. You guys are both harming each other and your relationship with your tempers and outbursts. Maybe from that starting point you can find some compassion and empathy for each other.



> But the car is still an issue for her. She feels that if I give this up, then it's symbolic that I am willing to give up something that is important to me for her.


As a Female, this says to me that she does not feel appreciated. She feels that she has given much more than you have.



> I feel that we should try very hard to make each other happy - she shouldn't want harm to come to me.


I think this is a good policy. It is bad policy to get one's satisfaction at the expense of the other spouse. 



> I am definitely trying very hard to make her happy.


Not to be Ms. Obvious here but you are failing. You need to change your tactics. I strongly suspect that you are doing things, like losing your temper and treating her disrespectfully, which knock out any goodwill your other attempts might generate. Continuing on....



> The car is not more important than her or the kids. I would sell the car in a second, if the family needed the money. But they don't, so it's a pointless exercise in sadism in my opinion. I am a principled person, so the thought of punishing myself over a "symbolic gesture" does not sit well with me.


As noted above, I think it's a bad idea to demand sacrifices of each other. 

I do want to point out though that you are willing to do it under circumstances that make sense to you. So the car is important but not as important as your family. There are things in your posts that I get to that suggests to me that your family is not in great shape right now, and the unity of your family is at risk.

I am not saying that to suggest that you should get rid of the car. Like most of the other posters, I think the car is not the real issue.

But, I think you should take your wife very seriously. She is trying to tell you something here. She sounds to me to be fed up.




carroll101 said:


> It's a matter of time before I do something wrong and she'll ask me to sell the car again. Any time she's mad at me, the car is sitting there in the garage "mocking" her and I guess symbolizing my ego or arrogance or is some phallic misgynistic trophy that represents everything she hates about me.


I think you are correct here. The car does represent something big to her. 



> If I had a guarantee that she will not let the past come back to haunt me ever again, then I'd be willing to sell the car to trade for that alone. But of course, there is no guarantee that will ever happen.


Are you sure that she is only ever addressing the past? Or is she getting angry with something you're doing now (like the treatment for her fungi) and she is bringing up the car? 



carroll101 said:


> I am an extremely rational and logical person, but some people cannot respond well to rational discussion. How can you combat an emotional issue with a rational response? It's like trying to fight a fire with antivirus software.
> 
> I have to appeal to the irrational emotional side.


So basically here you are you saying that your wife is irrational and emotional.



carroll101 said:


> Leaving her native country was the right decision. It was sh!t. If we had lived there, when the kids grow up they would leave the country because it's over-crowded and there are not enough tertiary education opportunities.
> 
> Right now I live like a king, there I lived literally like a pauper by the standards of the country I'm currently in.


I am glad that you are better off financially where you are now. Just be careful that you don't continue to accrue other costs, such as the happiness of your wife and family. It is very bad policy to make one-sided decisions and to gain your wellbeing at the cost of your wife's (such as forcing her to leave an ill father, who then dies soon after.) Your wife paid a very dear cost for your decision.




> To me: what's the point in investing in the past? What's the point in being close to her relatives if they're going to die at some time, and then our kids will leave and then we'll be alone?


Please note that this is your value; your wife may have a different value. The fact that my dad died did not make my decision to move home, away from my job and friends, an unwise decision. The fact that my mom and my aunts and in-laws will die only makes me determined to enjoy the time I have with them, it would make it only harder to leave.

To me, and many other women (and men!) family is the most important thing. 

I am not trying to suggest that moving was wrong. There are many people who leave one country for another- even risk their lives to do it- so they and their children can have a better quality of life. I am saying that your values should not supercede your wife's; I do believe that moving without your wife's agreement was wrong. If you want to have a solid relationship you both must be able to come to agreements.




> I would rather invest in the future. Go to a place where the kids have a future, and then even in our old age we have a family we can be a part of. That is the cold, brutal, logical reality. The problem is very few people have the willpower to do something about reality, and coping with a decision once it's made.


See, now- as a woman, if my husband had said this to me, I would immediately be on his case. I would find this patronizing and disrespectful.

It sure seems like you are speaking directly about her. As if, she doesn't have willpower and can't cope with a decision. Just because she doesn't like YOUR decisions, which directly affect her, doesn't mean she has no willpower or ability to cope. 



> So even though it appears that she sacrificed her native country, is it really a sacrifice? I don't see it that way


I think this is part of your big problem. You are putting your point of view and the Correct One. It is not up to you to determine what is or is not a sacrifice for your wife. She is telling you it is a HUGE sacrifice for her, she does not hold the same values as you; you are saying it's not even a sacrifice for her.

I really find you to be very disrespectful of your wife and her perspective. You seem to just wave it off as not logical, weak, emotional- in other words, without real value. I am not at all surprised that she is pushing back on you.



> It's not sacrifice - it's trading one thing for another. But emotion is not about logic, it's about emotion.


And here again- in your value system, she did not make a sacrifice. Instead, she is just being emotional.

This is very, very, very disrespectful of her experience, her values. 



> I sacrificed a lot, I have to listen to a lot of her ideas and just give in, because she "gives in" to the major decisions like where we live.


I strongly suggest you do a google search for Policy of Joint Agreement. What you and your wife have going on now is a system that only breeds resentments. 




> To her - I get everything "my way". But have I? All the nice things I have in my life I worked for.


From your post, you have had your way without regard for your wife's wants on some pretty major items.



carroll101 said:


> Last night she told me, why don't I marry someone else who can appreciate my car and my other hobbies and without the ghosts of the past? ...She brought up the example of my friend who got divorced. His ex didn't allow him to buy a big screen TV or indulge in his hobbies. Now he has everything he wants and a new wife and is very happy.


I say this as an American woman with an education and a job on which I could support me and my son. This may not apply to your wife and your family/situation at all.

But- I think this is a very bad sign. I have said similar things to two of my exes, just before they became an ex. But the things I said were more in reference to couple things that the guy didn't want to do, like family holidays. I have never suggested outright, with examples, that my guy might be happier with someone else.

I have seen posts here and other places where one spouse was constantly threatening divorce. Usually it was done to try to scare the other person and keep them in line. I have never seen a post with one spouse calmly saying, "Hey, YOU would be much happier with someone else. Look at how much happier your friend is- he divorced, he now has everything he wants and he is much better off."

To me, when a woman says that, I read it as a clear statement that she is on her way out. She is prepping you, trying to get you to have a positive perspective on separating.

I asked my DH what he thought- he thought it was a sh1t test, basically but agreed that it was coming from a woman who was on her way out. He said that kind of statement was a losing proposition, there is no way for a man to give a good answer.
BTW he also said he would NOT sell the car!



> Good for him - but that doesn't mean giving up is the answer. I got to where I am, with the ability to buy a nice car because I worked hard. I also work hard at my marriage. * I tired of not being appreciated for my efforts*, so I wonder, if indulging in her symbolic gesture might work.


I would be very surprised if your wife didn't also feel not appreciated, re: the point in bold. I really think you guys are talking past each other. Neither of you are getting your emotional needs met, you are both resentful, you are both handling conflict poorly, it sounds like you are in an established cycle now.

Also, in your posts, you are writing as if you are the only who can make the decision to stay in the marriage. And, for all I know, maybe in your culture it is actually the case.

As an American woman, though, I have my ears up. In your posts I see a woman who is fed up, and is on her way out. I see a husband who very much wants to improve himself and improve the marriage- even to the point of contemplating doing something that he doesn't want to do and feels is pointless like selling a beloved possession. But I am afraid your attempts to improve are missing the mark.

I think you are coming onto the boards early; if you had waited a few more months, maybe you would be coming on the Going Through Divorce boards, blind-sided by your walk-away-wife.

And to be very honest, if my husband started to calmly- not in a fight, just in conversation- started to talk about how much happier I would be with someone else, and look at how my divorced and remarried cousin or friend was, I would start quietly snooping for another woman. It is just a big red flag. I don't know that this is what is going on here, but I would certainly check.



> It's irrational, but maybe that's what's needed to deal with an irrational person? I appreciate everyone giving me rational advice, but to be honest, I don't need it. I am plenty rational. I need advice on how to deal with the emotional irrational side.


I have a few recommendations. They are free and I am not a professional, so you know, grains of salt and all that.

1. For the love of God do not think of your wife, and never ever call her, irrational. That is a lazy way out of respecting your wife's point of view. It's just writing her off and it is very disrespectful towards her. Otherwise you and your wife WILL be like Israel and Palestine: constantly at war or in an uneasy and unstable peace. 

2. In that vein- consider googling the following:
A. Love Busters, and check out Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, and Independent Behaviors- all of which are littered throughout your post.
B. His Needs Her Needs and/or The Five Love Languages. I strongly suspect you are both speaking different Love Languages. You can also google Emotional Needs and get a lot of information.

I think if you can learn the skills from these resources, you will be able to turn this around. You are on TAM, which is a great step! Hopefully you guys can turn this around. You are the one here and will probably be the person who has to change first if you want to be successful. This doesn't mean that your wife doesn't have bad habits and behaviors that will also have to change- it just means that since you can only change YOU, well, you get to change YOU. Good luck!


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

carroll101 said:


> I minimize it because her behavior is worse. She's broken things which I have never done, she's yelled harder and longer and swore harder and she calls me names which I almost never do. She says she's allowed to get angry, but I'm never allowed to. She says she has to win every argument and I have to be the better man and just give in.


Her behavior is bad. This doesn't change the fact that your behavior is bad. You are both in a very destructive cycle.



> That was 11 years ago. I have not coerced her since, except for the recent fungal problem. Do you think I should have to sell my car because of that? I never threatened her if she didn't do it, unlike her who has threatened me many times with many things if I don't do what she wants. So, you still think I'm the bully?


This is just more justifying your behavior with her behavior.

You may not be The Bully in the relationship. It sounds like both resort to Bullying behavior to try to get what you want.

How can you honestly tell her that something like Bullying is not acceptable behavior to you, if you continue to be Bullying? Same thing with having a temper. You don't like it when she has a temper, and she doesn't like it when you do. You are both trying to fight fire with fire. You are only going to burn down your marriage this way.

If you want to see things improve, you have to take control of your own behaviors. You can't say "I was a jerk because she is even worse!"

Instead you say, "This is not acceptable." You act and react in a respectable manner. You get a hold of yourself and keep yourself in control. Define and defend your boundaries. That is how things change.

It might not change HER- she might still stay a bully, someone with a bad temper, someone who threatens. But your reactions will change, and therefore your situation will change.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> To me: what's the point in investing in the past? What's the point in being close to her relatives if they're going to die at some time, and then our kids will leave and then we'll be alone?


So if your kids feel the same about you some day, that they have no opportunities near you, and obviously, you'll just die some day, will it be okay then?

You resented being near her family and giving them money, but apparently it didn't prevent you from buying the car of your dreams.

Yeah, you don't need an expanded reasoning to understand why she might feel upset there.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What's going to happen when there's no more to sell and the pantry is bare? Your organs? Maybe an arm or a leg to prove your love?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Reading through more of the thread, it started to sound like your wife was just an entitled whatever, but then I got to the bit where her father had died and you hadn't supported him. Ouch. 

Altogether, there are some big resentment issues from her. And you two don't seem to communicate well at all. First, address the communication issues. Find a mediator of some kind. People here often recommend counselling; ask around for a good one, because they're not all equal and finding a truly wise and neutral party is very difficult. 

Once you've gotten the communication worked out to the point where you two can talk about your issues without arguing, then talk about your issues. Then you'll get somewhere. Right now you're both just making angry sounds and communicating nothing much.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

6301 said:


> What's going to happen when there's no more to sell and the pantry is bare? Your organs? Maybe an arm or a leg to prove your love?


There's an old Nine Inch Nails song about cutting off one's ring finger... "do this thing for me..."


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Where do you now live, and what specific car are we all drawing comparisons to???


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Don't sell it!!
She's testing you and behaving like a capricious child!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your marraige is set up as you vs. her. Win vs lose. You "get" something while she "gives" something. 

You should not give up the car simply becuase it reinforces this terrible model for a marriage. But you talk about what is missing from her life, what is important to her, and serously consider making it happen.


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> Wow, there is a lot here....I will give you my Female Interpretation. Not sure how accurate it is, since I am a different Female obviously than the wife, but here goes:


Thanks for your lengthy reply. I appreciate your view (and the views of everyone else) on the matter. It helped me to look beyond my own resentment.

You're right, I am minimizing her sacrifice to leave her country and I shouldn't do that. I made a mistake about my father in law, and I have tried to make amends by keeping my mouth shut about anything she wants to give to her family henceforth.

I will not however, punish myself any more over this. The past is the past.

With regards to the move: it was a joint decision. We prayed about the move for 1 year and earnestly sought the counsel of others to make sure we were making the right decision. At no point did she express displeasure at moving. After her father's death of course it was a different story - she said that I forced her to leave. That's why I say she is irrational and emotional, because her statements are not based on reality.

There are some people who don't make their feelings known, or don't assert themselves. I am not that person, but my wife is. If I feel strongly about something, I will express it; but she in the past has not. Then when she has "agreed" to a decision, and it goes South, she blames me for forcing her to do it. I have NEVER forced her to do anything in my view. To me forcing is to threaten someone with consequences. I just argued my point. In the past I have badgered her.

However every time she has pushed back strongly, I have backed off. When she fought for her position I have given in. I am the type of person where once convinced to do something, I will henceforth be convinced that that is the right way to do things. That's a fault and a strength of my character: I'm not wishy washy, but at the same time it takes some effort to convince me that something is right to do. She knows this, so these last few years she fights very strong for her position and I have backed off every single time. But she fights strong for positions that are not necessarily the right one, and she will insist I give in, "or else".

So for me, the battle inside is a battle of "right" vs "should I die on this hill?". Also, I am stuck between a rock and hard place - MANY TIMES I have walked away from a fight, but I was later blamed for starting the fight or being unreasonable; but if I stay and explain myself that I wasn't being unreasonable, the fight will escalate to something worse.

Now with regards to what she said about me being happier with someone else. This is not the first time she has said something like this, she said it many years ago as well. In the past, she says something really really mean or inflammatory, and then a few days later she will calm down.

The reason why she was on edge 2 days ago, was because on Saturday I lost my temper because she asked me to go buy groceries so I went downstairs to change and then she kept yelling for me to get back upstairs to help feed the kids (because the kids were badgering her). I went upstairs and expressed my irritation of being told to "go here go there", and then it became a big fight. I told her that I was downstairs to change to do what she asked (buy groceries), and she said that in the past I went downstairs and dilly-dallied instead of helping her; I got really mad because what the heck has the past got to do with today? Today I was changing to do what she asked!

Yes it was a stupid fight, but any time this happens, it makes her hate me for several days and little things will set her off and then she will say mean things to me.

I think to myself: if only I just keep my mouth shut, everything will be okay. And in truth: that is what will happen. The problem is that I'm only human. Now that I realize I have a blood sugar problem (I don't eat breakfast), I will eat something in the mornings on the weekend to help me able to control my temper. But I'm afraid that something will happen that will trigger a reaction from me, that will in turn trigger a bad reaction from her.

Anyway, I appreciate it when you show me where I'm wrong. The reason I keep saying she is irrational and emotional is because I respond to reason. She can get mad at me, and she can explain to me that I'm wrong - I'm fine with that, I just don't like it when she brings up the past to justify getting angry with me about something unrelated. If I did something wrong - just address that, not something irrelevant and in the past; and if I am apologetic and willing to acquiesce to her rebuke, then in my opinion that should be that the end of the matter.


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> So if your kids feel the same about you some day, that they have no opportunities near you, and obviously, you'll just die some day, will it be okay then?
> 
> You resented being near her family and giving them money, but apparently it didn't prevent you from buying the car of your dreams.
> 
> Yeah, you don't need an expanded reasoning to understand why she might feel upset there.


I hear what you're saying.

It makes me sad that the kids are away from the grandparents. I don't think that's right. Ideally we would all be together.

However, where I am is the best place for me to provide for the family and for the kids to have a real future. I don't believe that kids should be stuck in a mega city - they should have the opportunity to enjoy nature before it's gone. The lifestyle they have now is a million times better than what they would have if they stayed in my wife's home country. Furthermore there is a high likelihood they don't need to go overseas to get a tertiary education and there will be plenty of jobs, and that the cost of housing will be reasonable.

Choosing this place was to give our family the greatest chance of staying together without a push or pull factor to drive them away. My parents and her parents live in countries where there were push factors, that's why we live where we do now. If we lived in our parents' countries, those same push factors would exist with our kids and they will leave us. So making the decision was to put a stop to the cycle of leaving. Now for me, once all the cards are laid out on the table, and we weigh the values and then come to a joint decision that 1 path is the best - I don't go back and regret that decision. She on the other hand will regret it, even though nothing has changed, and weighed up that decision is still the best one.

She KNOWS that her home country is really sh!tty for people of our financial status. She knows that a huge number of people in that country are very unhappy with the cost of living and the over-crowdedness and the inundation of foreign labor that simultaneously reduces the average salary and also takes up the best jobs. But she thinks that if she gets into day trading, and if she makes millions that we can go back and live there. It's true that the expatriates and wealthy live amazing lives there because the city was built for the wealthy (which is why it's such a horrible place to live for the middle class), but in my estimation we would need about $40 million to have an equivalent lifestyle that we have now.

It sounds like my really poor friend who seems to make life decisions based on winning the lottery. Sure - a lot changes if you have $40 million, but a rational person wouldn't make decisions or even dream about that lifestyle until it actually happens. It disturbs me that she contemplates going back to her homeland if we "strike the lottery".


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Sell the car under one condition.

That the money gets used for IC and MC for both of you.

That way you will both be happy. Or at least that is the goal.

HM


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> As a Female, this says to me that she does not feel appreciated. She feels that she has given much more than you have.


In my opinion (not saying it's right), I'm the only one who works and I have to put up with being away from the family (during the day) and bearing all the pressure of provision on myself and having to deal with difficult people and the stress of losing a job. She, even though the job isn't easy, gets to be in a place (at home) around loved ones and do something extremely rewarding and has real lasting priceless value. The time she gets to spend with the kids guiding them and loving them is priceless. I forego that, and I bear the responsibility of providing for the family so she can enjoy that.

I do that every day of my life without complaining or bringing my work home. Isn't that a sacrifice? I think too little value is placed on just having to go to work. You said that you go to work - I assume you are a dual income family. The value you place on your husband's work is less because you provide equal value.

She has experienced less success in her chosen field, and this is one of the major factors contributing to her dissatisfaction here. She was bullied at work. I feel it is a big sacrifice on my part to allow her to stay home and for me to bear the stress alone. I make that sacrifice without complaining.

That's why I minimize her sacrifices, because I feel we should make decisions on what's right, and then stop regretting decisions or complaining about it. As far as I'm concerned, I did not make a mistake to leave that country, the only mistake I made was to be insensitive to her father's needs - but that mistake was 11 years ago and I can't keep getting punished for that.



RoseAglow said:


> Not to be Ms. Obvious here but you are failing. You need to change your tactics. I strongly suspect that you are doing things, like losing your temper and treating her disrespectfully, which knock out any goodwill your other attempts might generate. Are you sure that she is only ever addressing the past? Or is she getting angry with something you're doing now (like the treatment for her fungi) and she is bringing up the car?


Have you ever watched "Sherlock" the British version, or House? I'm very similar - an intellectual person that's on the edge of Aspergers. I'm not as sensitive as many people, I'm more on the cold logical side of things. That said, I try my very very hardest to be more sensitive and to keep my mouth shut more often. What sets me off is when I do something and I get attacked for it because that thing I'm doing is associated with something I've done wrong in the past - I fight back, because it is objectively wrong, and my intellectual side joins forces with my emotional side to fight back against the injustice. It's frankly very had to watch myself in these situations.



RoseAglow said:


> I am glad that you are better off financially where you are now. Just be careful that you don't continue to accrue other costs, such as the happiness of your wife and family. It is very bad policy to make one-sided decisions and to gain your wellbeing at the cost of your wife's (such as forcing her to leave an ill father, who then dies soon after.) Your wife paid a very dear cost for your decision.


Yes, thanks for reminding me.




RoseAglow said:


> Please note that this is your value; your wife may have a different value. The fact that my dad died did not make my decision to move home, away from my job and friends, an unwise decision. The fact that my mom and my aunts and in-laws will die only makes me determined to enjoy the time I have with them, it would make it only harder to leave.
> 
> To me, and many other women (and men!) family is the most important thing.
> 
> I am not trying to suggest that moving was wrong. There are many people who leave one country for another- even risk their lives to do it- so they and their children can have a better quality of life. I am saying that your values should not supercede your wife's; I do believe that moving without your wife's agreement was wrong. If you want to have a solid relationship you both must be able to come to agreements.


agreed.



RoseAglow said:


> I think this is part of your big problem. You are putting your point of view and the Correct One. It is not up to you to determine what is or is not a sacrifice for your wife. She is telling you it is a HUGE sacrifice for her, she does not hold the same values as you; you are saying it's not even a sacrifice for her.
> From your post, you have had your way without regard for your wife's wants on some pretty major items.


A sacrifice is giving up something for nothing. If you make a decision about something, there are always tradeoffs. Stay in a country versus leave - you have to weigh the pros and cons of all the factors involved, prioritize them and then the heaviest one wins. If "being close to family" is a higher priority, then you give it more points. That's how I make decisions, and that's the right way to do it.

In everything I said 11 years ago I have been correct. I said that the country is getting worse not better. When I left 11 years ago, it wasn't in the top 20 most expensive cities in the world. Now it is #1. There are 33% more people in the country, and the new immigrants are taking up all the best University positions (that were hard to get in the first place) because they work harder and complain less than the locals. My own wife had to go overseas to get her degree - that's how she met me. So seeing that I have been right 11 years later, how much more am I going to be right in another 11 years when my own kids will be in a position to be affected by all of this?

The thing is: she knows all this. She knows I'm right. But in her mind, if she becomes a great success in day trading and become a multi-millionaire then all these things that affect plebs becomes irrelevant.

I get what you're saying - regardless, she had to sacrifice her wants for "the greater good", and you're right. My perspective though, is that you make a decision to do something because it is the right decision, then stop looking back and regretting those sacrifices. We made the decision because it's the right one, looking back will only foster resentment and is unproductive.


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## carroll101 (Apr 15, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Sell the car under one condition.
> 
> That the money gets used for IC and MC for both of you.
> 
> ...


I don't know what IC or MC is.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

IC = Individual Counseling

MC = Marriage Counseling


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wouldn't sell the car, simply because she's demanding it!

Then again I'm just stubborn when it comes to rude people!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book; it actually discusses this very thing (being told to give up your stuff to 'prove' yourself): Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men: Wayne M. Levine: 9780979054402: Amazon.com: Books


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What car are we talking about?


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

You forced her to get treatment for a fungal issue? You mean devil! How dare you mess with a woman's fungi.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

*Howdy Caroll:*

Sounds like your wife is BAT $HIT crazy. But then again you don’t sound like a good team player either.

I’d not be surprised to come home someday to find that the car has “mysteriously” been involved in some type of an accident rendering it nothing more than pile of rubble and junk. 

I’d recommend fully insuring the vehicle and preferably storing it somewhere with limited access while the two of you get some counseling or go your separate ways.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> *Howdy Caroll:*
> 
> Sounds like your wife is BAT $HIT crazy. But then again you don’t sound like a good team player either.
> 
> ...


There we go, the standard answer women are always crazy. 

Also, OP have you ever asked your wife if she views being a SAHM in the country with all the glowing report you do? 

What countries are we talking about? All of the jargon about plebs and megacities makes it difficult to discern. 

And sorry, OP but you can't expect your wife to think logically like you and not regret things. If she never really mourned her father properly, that may play a large part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I didn't read every word of every reply, so excuse me if I repeat something already said.

What I see is that you have emotionally hurt your wife and have never truly apologized for it. In addition to that you might be emotionally abusive - perhaps she is too? Because she has never received closure for what she perceives and you hurting her, she wants to hurt you back, after all, it has been 11 years and you still don't care. Plus she has to put up with your emotional outburst over all this time, which opens the wound back up every time you are short with her. This could be why she is angry at you and wants you to sell your car. She wants you to feel the pain she feels every day.

In addition to this, what is her love language? If her love language is verbal affirmation and you are yelling at her, she obviously is getting emotionally hurt by you every time AND her love language goes unmet. 

So here is what you HAVE to do

1. When you are alone and the kids are at school or in bed, sit down in the kitchen or living room (not the bedroom) and give her a sincere apology. You don't have to apologies for moving and trying to make life better for the family. You apologies because you recognize she was hurt over this, you understand her pain and feel bad that she has suffered. An apology also expresses that you are listening to her and not just shining her on.

2. Start listening to her and VALIDATING what she says. When you validate her feelings, it doesn't mean that you agree with them, it means that you sympathize with her. Repeat back what she says to you so she knows you are hearing her, tell her you understand and care and that you truly do care about her feelings.

3. Find out her love language, and do it.

4. Quit loosing your temper, and apologies every time you slip up.

5. Quit trying to be right all the time.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

When a woman asks her man to do something nicely, with a rational good reason and smile he should do it twice. When a woman demands something irrational and disrespectfully from her man, he should simply stop, look at her intensely and demand a tasty sammich as atonement for her childish behavior.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Buy her a plane ticket back to where you found her and keep your sports car. It can be repaired should it fail you in some way. She probably can't.


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