# What helps the dad in court to obtain physical custody.



## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

Ok so its been awhile since I posted anything. I have been trying to stay focused and build my game plan. If you've forgotten,see my thread titles. (Don't know what to do). 

So since my last entry my wife has continued to lie about where she is going and comes home late all the time. She has filed for divorce and I am meeting with a lawyer in a week. My kids are 4 and 2 and thank god they don't have a clue about what is going on.

So let me tell you what I have for my lawyer which hopefully gives a good picture of her state of mind.

- I've logged when she leaves and when she arrives home for the past month.This includes about 13 late nights,coming home around 1-5 am in the morning. Included within are details which add to each entry.

- Receipts that she bought condoms.

- All the text messages which were received by her from the man she contacted through Craigslist in regards to spanking.She also received nude pictures of him and sent some of herself.

- She is on two anti depressants, a muscle relaxer and Vicodin daily. ( mixed with late night drinking)?

- I also have absolute proof that she had met with a guy one night and had sex. Unfortunately I can't use the type of proof I have in court, if ya know what I mean.

- I can prove that I can afford my house on my own. Why would the court move the kids from where they were born?

- After we get divorced i'm sure the court will instruct her to get a day job since she only makes 300 a month right now. And yes i'm prepared to pay alimony for this reason. Where would the kids go if she had to work. 

- She was just accepted into the ccri nursing program which means she will be tied down to two years of hardcore night school and clinical hours. I have been with the kids every night since they were born. I come home every day at 5:30pm and go nowhere.

- During the day her family cannot take the kids. My parents which have always been closely involved said they would take them during the day and I could pick them up after work.

This all seems to me to make good sense and is logical given her mental state right now. I could be wrong, never done this before. I also wonder what she could play on me in court. Looking for some feed back guys.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

If I'm not mistaken, and I have no kids of my own, it seems the man always gets the short end of the stick when it comes to custody and visitation. Am I wrong? What a double standard.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> If I'm not mistaken, and I have no kids of my own, it seems the man always gets the short end of the stick when it comes to custody and visitation. Am I wrong? What a double standard.


Thats my question man?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

First thing you should do is consult a family law lawyer who can tell these things better than any of us here.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It really sounds as though you stand a better chance of getting custody than your wife. Keeping that journal is an excellent idea. Let us know what the lawyer tells you. Your wife may not even want custody. My estranged husband certainly didn't want custody of our teenagers. It would severely hamper his social life. Maybe your wife will feel the same way.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Either way you seem to be the BEST option for the kids. But as stated earlier we as Men ALWAYS get fcked when it comes to court & children. I wish you the BEST possible luck in this case...Seems like you are not only the BEST responsible parent for the kids but the most logical as well.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

827Aug said:


> It really sounds as though you stand a better chance of getting custody than your wife. Keeping that journal is an excellent idea. Let us know what the lawyer tells you. Your wife may not even want custody. My estranged husband certainly didn't want custody of our teenagers. It would severely hamper his social life. Maybe your wife will feel the same way.


I know for a fact she wants 100% placement. I'm not worried about the custody. That will be 50/50, she's already said she wouldn't take that from me. My concern is losing the kids to live with her. I can't comprehend why the court would ask the kids to live somewhere else when I can afford the only home they've known,on my own.

I recently cleaned up the house real good and took pictures of every room and the kids back yard to give the court a visual of where I can keep them. 
Very interested to ask my lawyer all these things. She stayed out again last night and came home at 7:30 am. Sweet... just another entry for my journal!!! 

When I confront her about where she has been,she says there is nothing wrong with wanting time to herself...ha ha ha. She is delusional. Classic gastric bypass patient who's lost site of reality and thinks of no one but them self 1 1/2 yrs after surgery.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest some more research in to who she is seeing, I would think that this could play a big part in custody.

I'm quessing just by her association with either one man or multible man, it would influences the judge in a ruling. Especially if he has a criminal record. God if its several men that would for sure influence the judge or at the very least create a judgement on how she bahaves or she is with when she has the kids after the divorce.

Even if her association with OM or OM's isn't considered at least you know who your kids will be around after the divorce.

So take a shot and do some investigation on who she's hanging around with. It will pay off in the end one way or another.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

depends on what state u r talking about craigy.

write us after the lawyer visit, ok? then we'll have more
reality to deal with, not hopes n plans.

best always....poor man.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

To help dad in court, think of it like the court will. You are both equal parents to the children--it is exactly the same for you and for her. (That's where the 50/50 comes in). However, more and more courts these days divide "custody" into two parts: legal custody and physical custody. Ideally where you are aiming is joint LEGAL custody (you and your wife are both responsible and have equal legal rights) but you want to be the parent with physical custody and let her be the parent with visitation...right?

Okay to prove that, just so you know, the court could not care less about whether she has boyfriends or is unfaithful. That will not even come into play in the decision, so don't even document that. Here's what they do consider: 


The age of the children--Very young children and infants will go with the parent who has spent the most time with them. If mom had a career and dad was a SAHD, the infant goes to dad. If the kids are elementary school age...who takes them to doctor appointments, is in PTA, and takes them to school? If the kids are teens often the judge will ask them. 

The wishes of each parent--Each parent has the right to state their case why they are the better parent, and ask for what they wish. 

The quality of the relationship between the children and each parent--Again, which parent spends time with them, takes them to doctor appointments, goes to baseball practice and tucks them in at night?

The health - both mental and physical - of each parent and the children--Is one parent in poor physical health, unable to work and sustain a household on their own? Is one parent mentally unstable or acting irrationally? Although the court will not give a hoot about "she has a boyfriend" they definitely would care about "she has given up her time with the children to a drunken, druggy lifestyle" because that may indicate some instability. 

The willingness of each parent to support and facilitate the children's ongoing relationship with the other parent--Has one parent said out loud "If I get custody. you'll never see your kids again!"? or does one parent have a car and location so they can facilitate visits and encourage the kids to have a relationship with the other parent? The parent who will help the kids have a relationship with the other is the preference....so demonstrate that is YOU and how it is not her. 

Whether either parent has been providing the majority of the children's care up to this point--See above: who makes breakfast, packs lunches, does their laundry, makes dinners and helps with homework? Who tucks them in and knows their school schedule? Demonstrate that it is more you and you'll increase your chances.

The ability of each parent to provide a stable, loving environment--Does one parent have the same job which could pay for the bills and mortgage on their own...and the other parent hasn't had a job, can't pay for the kids' needs, and would not be able to provide a home for the kids? Does one parent provide that stability (same home, same room, same neighborhood, same school) and the other parent offers moving every few months, losing friends and school, and a drunken lifestyle? 

The living accommodations of each parent's home--Show that you are able to offer each child their own room, bed and things in a clean, neat, healthy home.

Each parent's ability to provide for the children's physical needs, emotional wellness, and medical care--Has one parent been there for the children, thought of their needs, and provided the ability to have insurance and taken them to the doctor? 

The level of adjustment and attachment between the children and their home, school environment, and community/neighborhood--Some kids are really attached to their school or their friends, so demonstrate that if you have the kids they would be able to maintain all those attachments AND you would be there to help them adjust to life without mom. 

How the children will be affected by either continuing the current custody arrangement or disrupting the arrangement--Demonstrate that you have attempted to continue the "current arrangement" by requesting reconciliation and counseling but that your wife is determined to disrupt the arrangement without regard to how the children will be affected. 

The wishes of the children (if they are able to express their own desires)--Self-explanatory I think but just don't try to "get the kids on your side" as that's alienation of affection. Just keep doing the right thing, and the kids will see.

Confirmed evidence of abuse or neglect by either parent--I'm not sure I would call it abuse or neglect to have your wife go off on her late nights, but it certainly would demonstrate that she regularly does not care about putting her own children to bed or being sure that they are cared for. On the other hand, if you've witnessed verbal abuse or honest neglect, get some evidence and prove it. 

Whether false allegations of abuse or neglect have been brought by either parent against the other.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Only a family law attorney in your state can give you the answers you seek.

One common rule of thumb is who is the primary care giver? If you can demonstrate that you are, then your chances of obtaining physical custody of the kids increases.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

AC,
You mentioned lifestyle a few times in your excilent list, but is'nt showing the spouses association a determining factor in lifestyle?

If a spouse hangs out with or is dating a drunk or criminal then by association the spouse's lifestyle is not cohesive to the best interest of the child?

Just saying.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

Thanks for the good info everyone. As far as the investigating goes, I have done so and unfortunately cannot use my findings in court if you know what I mean. She is talking to multiple guys and know for a fact she is lying to one so the other doesn't know. Don't know their full names so can't really get a background on them. I have logged many nights where she has chosen to play college/party girl over being in the house with our kids. I have been the one since my 2 and 4 yr old were born who has tucked them in and read to them every night. 

When she's not a school at night for her nursing she's out and even on the school nights she's out late. So the night time routine has been mine since the beginning thats why I can't imagine not continuing that which means everything to me. Ya she has had them during the day but she's either studying for school or throws the tube on most of the time.

I also recently took pictures of my whole house and yard so the court can have a visual of where I can afford to keep the kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The first names of these guys are not so important, but there phone numbers are and for a fee you can do a reverse phone number look up and get some info that can be added to the list and at the very least indentify them with a first and last name.
As AC said it may not matter, other then having a list of names that she has been "associating with. Alls it takes is one number and name that has a criminal history of drugs, dui, or sex and her goose is cooked maybe not by the courts but at least by her family and friends who care about her marriage and her kids.

At the very least if she comes up missing you will have some info the cop my have a lead to follow.

You wont believe the amount of numbers I have and don't even have a name to. But just in case I have something to give the cops if ...god forbid something happed. We both know it is a dangerous world out there and she is not using her better judgement, especially ONS. 

Its was my wifes careless behavior and the increase in all the different numbers that brought me to confronting my W. See she was getting worse and worse and if I didn't do something the kids might have lost there mother. 

Its one thing to have one OM, in some wierd way she's just a little safer, but to have the behavior your wife seems to have, she is walking a thin line and just doen't know it until its to late. 

My wife has opened up and has given me some details that were pure evil. The last few years she was so lost she found her self going home with strange men and having sex, in some cases she knew she was in the wrong place at the wrong time , but out of self preservation slept with them and left as soon as she could. To this day she thanks me for saving her and not abandoning her.

I hope that some how Miss Craigy sees the danger and the great lose if she continues down this path and changes.


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## craigy (Mar 5, 2011)

Whats a reverse phone number look up and how do I go about doing it? I need to get at her phone which she keeps attached to her at all times. The other crap thing is I pay the cell phone bill but the plan is under her name kind of a verizon bundle thing you know. So I can't look at the records online without her passwords. Wish there was a way I could get that phone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go on line I used Phone Detective and Google Reverse phone look up.
I got my wifes phone by pulling on the charger cord out from under her pillow. I waited for one of her many all nighter and I then called in late. When she passed out I went for it.
I can fix the phone record thing for you *stop paying it*. In my case I had my kids get the password my MIL..she has the bundle deal so my teenage daugther got it from grandma.

Wait, why in the hell are you paying for a cell phone your W use to contact guys? 

That BS, try renewing service in your name. If she doen't like it she can pay for it her self. Of course you will get all that controlling grap that will come out of her mouth but f*ck it.

If you have a trusted person she is not fimilar with you can always have her followed. If you have the dough or can barrow it you should hire a PI. There freaking expensive.

The one thing is keep at it. In my wildest dream I never would have thought about the phone charger cord, but BAMB there it was. Point is she will slip up and until then you have no leverage in breaking her behavior. It will come, but confronting ...I mean really confronting her with out proof you my friend will come out looking like the crazy controlling husband that has lost his mind. So please be patient, she will leave that phone out or she will be so passed out you will get your chance soon some day you will get your chance.

You are right her phone is the key so be patient. it will happen.

Have you tried installing a key logger on her computer?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

The attorney I talked to in TN said it is highly likely that my wife will win custody, even though the situation is similar to yours. One OM instead of multiple, but the actions are very similar. Having a boyfriend holds no weight in divorce proceedings, apparently.

On the phone, watch closely to see if there is a particular place she frequents in the house. I found my wife's prepaid phone in the bathroom drawer wrapped in the bottom towel of the stack. I was bringing the cat's dish up and was waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. I happened to hear her open and close a drawer. Then the toilet flushed. The drawers are across the room from the toilet. Later, I went in and methodically checked all of the drawers.

When you find it, you will likely find her password, boyfriends' phone numbers, etc. with the phone. I did. Write down the information and keep that ace up your sleeve. I changed the pin number and voice mail password from her phone. I was able to then get in and listen to a few voice mails from her boyfriend that she had not deleted. I have the tape. However, thinking I had changed the password and that she wouldn't be able to get into it, I showed my hand. I played the tape with boyfriend's lovey dovey voice mail. She was then able to get on and change the password so that I couldn't get online to get all of the call information. I did write down the call log from the phone, but I doubt that will hold water in court since it is just my handwriting. 

In other words, keep quiet about what you know. It would have been much better for me to keep the information to myself, put the phone back where it was hidden, and have access to the online records. Give her enough rope to hang herself. Maybe you can learn from my mistake.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

don't know if it makes you feel better or not but times have changed...

the old wisdom that the man gets screwed is not nearly as true as it once was... All of the horror stories about how things work in divorce proceedings is generally not true in todays world... 

the court has a very heavy bias to split 50/50... Across the board. 

it's a scary prospect for men facing divorces that involve custody issues thinking that we walk in at a heavy built in disadvantage... It's not nearly as bad as you have been led to believe. It's a close to a level playing field as it's ever been.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

craigy said:


> I know for a fact she wants 100% placement. I'm not worried about the custody. That will be 50/50, she's already said she wouldn't take that from me. My concern is losing the kids to live with her. I can't comprehend why the court would ask the kids to live somewhere else when I can afford the only home they've known,on my own.


Of course she wants them, she gets child support that way. 

Talking to an attorney that specializes in family law is the way to go. When looking for an attorney find out who the attorneys refer the tough custody cases too, thats the one you want. Thats the attorney that will be in the children's corner the best. 

If the whole situation blows up the court may appoint an attorney to the children (Guardian ad Litem) which is not a bad thing. A bit intimidating possibly but not bad. That attorney is specially trained and is only looking out for what is best for the children.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

In most states infidelity does not play a role in divorce court. At least not out right. It's the behavior that accompanies the infidelity that can influence a judge's decision. An irresponsible parent is not going to win favor with most judges. My ongoing case is proof of that. My attorney proved I was a responsible person and my husband was not. Of course, child custody was not an issue....but, alimony and child support were. The judge had no sympathy for my estranged husband and ruled accordingly. Make sure you prove you are the responsible parent--and let your journal reflect that.


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