# My long story of the beginning of the end!



## ConfusedGirl3876 (Jul 27, 2011)

Sorry in advance for the length but I have never told anyone the whole entire story about what happened btwn me and H. After reading posts on here I figured this would be a place I could start. 
Me and H have been together for almost 17yrs married 11. We have 4 kids ages 15 thru 1 and 1/2. We were teenage parents so we grew up fast but have had a pretty good relationship with normal ups and downs.
Nov 2009, I was preg, H had gone out and ran into a couple we went to school with. After that H wanted us to hang out with them since he got along with them so well. The next few months I was busy with my new born but me and the wife talked on FB a few times and tried to get together but it never worked out. Around Sept 2010 she came to a girls night at my house. In Oct we started hanging out with her and her H. Everyone got along great and hung out on the weekends. That was the pattern of our friendship the next few weeks. Me and the W started going to the gym together a few nights a week also. (what was funny was I told H that I thought they might be swingers or something). One weekend at their house her H kissed me right in front of them. We had all been drinking but I still felt very uncomfortable but then my H kissed his W. That's all that happened but on the way home both me and my H said that it wasn't something we'd want to do again and that was it for us. The next weekend they came to our house and I was upstairs with our kids I fell asleep. I woke up and went down, her H was asleep on the couch but his W and my H were heavily making out. They left soon after and I was very upset. H was very sorry blamed drinking and she was also very sorry and didnt want to ruin our friendship. Me and other H forgave and we were all still friends. I got curious and checked our cell bill. H's text msgs like doubled then I checked phone calls and they had talked for like 500 minutes in like 3 weeks time. I got upset and he said it was innocent but that if I was upset he'd stop talking on phone with her and stop texting so much. I trusted him and agreed. For my H b-day they took us out of town overnight to a casino and we were going to share a room. I told H that I was NOT sleeping with the other H and he agreed and said its not like that. Well we went and after a night of drinking my H asked me to sleep in the other bed with the other H (but no sex just cuddling). I said no and he asked another 5 times. I stood my ground and we all slept in our own beds with our own spouses. When we got home I started waiting till he came to bed (he had started staying up later than me) then snuck his phone and read some of the msgs. I could tell maybe some were deleted but they all seem friendly so I let it go. Then end of Nov my DD was sick and H took her to dr. That night I asked if he call OW to tell her about DD b4 telling me. Don't know why I even thought of that. He said no but I asked to read his msgs anyway. He gave me the phone and I read a few and I guess he forgot to delete a few. There were about 4 texts saying how much they loved each other and "dont forget to delete" one that got me the most was from her saying "one day we will look back on this and laugh" I got extremely upset and started screaming "you love her??" once he realized I saw stuff that was supposed to be deleted he just walked out. I of course called the OW's H and told him what I found. She also left right after.

I thought I could write all of this at once but I can't write anymore right now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Grrrrr. SOrry to hear this happened.

Yes, they are having an affair. GOOD for you for telling her husband and aclling her out like that.

Please get tested for STDs. 

If you stay, he needs to end ALL contact with her. Completely. 100%. No texts, no phone calls, no Facebook, no hanging out, casinos, making out, nothing. Also, he can't just "walk out" when you confront. He needs to own what he did, be sincere in his apology and swear to never do it again, and earn your trust back. MC is a good idea.

If you are done, file for child support at minimum and then either get a lawyer or do it everything pro se. Your local courthouse should be able to help w/ what you need to fill out. 

It's your call whether you want to stay or go.


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## ConfusedGirl3876 (Jul 27, 2011)

After he left I got a neighbor to watch kids and I went to his moms figuring that's where he went. He wasn't there when I got there and I had his cell so there was no way to contact him. the other H called me and wanted me to meet him at OW parents house. I got there first and waited outside. (of course H's car was there). After 5 mins they came out holding hands...I calmly went over to them and took H aside and got him to agree to talk to me at his parents house. When there he confirmed that they were having an EA and were planning to leave families but they hadn't had sex because they wanted to prove to each other that this wasn't about sex it was love. He told me he loves both of us but that it wouldn't work btwn us cause i would never trust him. I told him I could get over this but that he had to come home right now. His reply was "I have to talk to OW and see where her head is at" (i think that comment is what has hurt the most in all of this) needless to say he went to talk to her I waited up all night he never came home but showed up at his parents around 2am. the next morning he came to talk and refused to end relationship with OW he even asked if he could live with us and still be with her. I refused. Eventually (same day) he decided to end it with her and stay. I do not believe he has had any contact with her since this happened in Nov and he says now that he never loved her just liked the attention. In Feb he admitted to me that they had protected sex in her car at a gas station (she's super classy I guess) twice. I made him stay at his parents for a few days after that but he gets so upset that I had to let him back. Any time Ive asked for time apart to help deal with this he has become very upset and threatens to hurt himself and quit his job cause nothing matters without me in his life. This has put a HUGE stress on me to constantly worry about his reactions. So in march I decided to just "get over it" and not talk about it anymore. Its been hard since I've seen her a few times and I'm always reminded. But in order to keep peace at home I keep it all in. I'm paying the price now tho...I haven't talked to any of my friends in weeks and I'm not happy at all eventho I kno hes sorry and he has been great. 
On July 23rd I told H I want to take time apart. He freaked!! hes been sleeping at his moms but coming here after work and staying until hes ready to leave and texting and calling all day. In other words not giving me ANY space at all! I'm pretty decided, even before I asked for space, that I want to end my marriage. I'm scared to tell him cause if I even hint at it he melts down and plus the kids want it to work. I agreed to go to MC with him but Im only doing it to please him. Is it wrong to give up on marriage? I feel zero attraction to him and I'm disgusted when he touches me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, it's not wrong to decide whatever you want to decide.

I am VERy sorry you find yourself in this a$$hole predicament. It is an a$$hole predicament to be in, isn't it?

So he wanted to go live life with her but then changed his mind, tried to bargain with you to have an open marriage "live with you and have her on the side" and when that didn't work, he realized that you wren't f-cking around and now he's threatening killing himself because you're all he has and please...don't leave him?

Hell no. 

You stand your ground, missy. Don't let him guilt you EVER into doing anything you don't want. 

If you are truly sold that you don't want to be married anymore, let him know. I would advise against continuing going to MC with him cause it will be stringing him along under false pretenses. 

So...if you do go the divorce way, file and def for child support at minimum.

You will get through this. Promise.

Did you ever talk to the OW's H again? Or her?


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Sorry to hear your story. Hugs to you.


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## ConfusedGirl3876 (Jul 27, 2011)

@ jelly- lol yes it is an a$$hole predicam
ent. Me and OW's H were in contact via text at first. I haven't had contact with him since March. The last time I had contact with OW was in Feb when I texted her to tell her I knew about sex and if she didn't tell her H then I was gonna. She told him but its a moot point for them cause she left her H back in Dec and they are divorcing. She is still in love with my H so she can't be with her H. 
I was hoping to use mc as a safe place to tell H about leaving him. He's never been violent to me but he has put holes in the wall and he gets so upset I'd rather be safe than sorry. 

@lala- thanks for the hugs!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you could use the MC session to do it, as it would be a safe place so I see where you are going with that but after telling him, you must remain steadfast in what you want. It would not be right to string him along. 

And yes, I  at the "a$$hole predicament" thing too. Hehe.


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## ConfusedGirl3876 (Jul 27, 2011)

The last thing I want to do is string him along... I really just want this to be over with. On Sat I originally told him I wanted to leave him but I think he kinda blocked it out and assumed I was asking for time apart. He got so upset that I didn't correct him. I just told him how I feel and that I don't love him the same as I used to and I think of him as a friend and he couldn't even handle that. 
Has anyone dealt with a spouse who acted like him? Did they eventually get past this stage? I just feel like he's never going to leave me alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A lot of spouses being left act like him. 

Yes, he will eventually get past it but it will take him a long time because he will be heartbroken.

That's exactly why I said the sooner you cut this off, the better for both of you. That way you can both start to heal and grow.


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## ConfusedGirl3876 (Jul 27, 2011)

He also thinks I want to be with someone else if I say I'm leaving. He knows that it isn't true but I think its just another way he tries to manipulate me. When I say that I'm not cheating he just says if he ever sees me with someone else he'd kill them and not care about jail. Really he has me locked in a bubble so there isn't anyway I could cheat. I don't work so there r no coworkers to get with, I've disconnected with all my friends so I don't go out, and I'm home all day with our kids so I don't know why he thinks that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well that could be his own guilty conscience of what he did to you, so now he thinks you are doing it to him. Plus, it helps him rationalize you leaving him. 

My ex also told him he'd put me and anyone new in the ER. It's just him talking smack. Don't feed into it. If he tells you again he'd kill them, tell him "Well I'd hope not cause you'd end up in jail" and keep moving along.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

You need to leave this POS. He's using the suicide game to keep you at his beck-and-call. What I don't understand is- How could you guys keep hanging around these people even after all this sh!t happens? That was your mistake. This is what I mean about TOXIC people. They are out there and you need to shun them. Might sound cruel, but people like that are detrimental to your happiness and well-being.


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## ConfusedGirl3876 (Jul 27, 2011)

We never hung out with them after I found the love texts. Before that...I guess I just trusted them. I never thought this would happen to me. My H worshiped me and I thought we had a good marriage. The few people who know what happened couldn't believe it they all thought our marriage was perfect. 
After I found out (3 days before my sons 1st bday) my H said that I've been different for about a year, that was his excuse. Ummm hello I just had a baby it kinda changes things!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> Me and other H forgave and we were all still friends.


This is what I mean. How can you _still_ be friends after that... I don't understand. If I would've found this out, you better believe I was gonna smash potential OM's face, and given my GF a tongue lashing she'd NEVER forget. She would have NC with this person whatsoever. You guys kept it cool still... WHY??? Your husband and this woman totally direspected your marriage, and you both(OWH) were so passive about it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stop falling for the drama queen gig, your H. is putting on you-----If you wanna leave---do so---he is a big boy, and he will cope.

He is the one who caused all of this, so let him deal with rhe problem he has caused himself

Its your life do what is best for you


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

i agree with Big - you were both too trusting or at lest unaware that having friends who don't respect marriage and monogamy, endangers your marriage.

Another thing is that you two never fully discussed and resolved what happen. You want to divorce and his gets emotionally manipulative.

I think you should definitely go to MC but keep an open mind. He of course is 100% responsible for the affair but you and he played a role in the problems. finding out what happened and what your role was will make you a better partner in your next relationship. 

You may actually find love for your husband again once you understand what happened and why. I would make ver certain that he is not still in contact with OW, cheaters lie and are deceptive until the fog wears off. 

Don't take anything as a given, verify and reverify. Make sure he is being honest.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Believe me... he won't act on his suicide attempt. He was ready to leave you at one point already... did you see a razor in his hand then- NO! All he's doing to you now is manipulating you into not leaving him, now that his fantasy has imploded. If you're not happy you shouldn't stay. You have a chance at starting over and at being happy with someone else. Don't make the same mistake many on this board do- stay and become bitter about not taking the chance of a new beginning.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Boy when I found out about the EA 4 months ago, we were divorced last week. 

It is called self-respect! No matter how painful, hurtful, crazy you feel, respect yourself.

M X's head is still spinning. You know what I still love him but I want to love myself more. So I had to do this. Marriage would never ever have been the same.


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## ConfusedGirl3876 (Jul 27, 2011)

@BB I've been thinking about your post for awhile. I think a big part of "why" is that I truly never thought he'd cheat on me. Our friends have all said the same thing. One couple even said they figured if one of us would cheat it wouldve been me. 
Also I don't want to sound conceded or vain but I also figured if he cheated it would have been with someone better looking. I know looks don't matter and when ppl question why he would go from me to her I tell them that. 
I feel dumb for allowing my marriage to become vulnerable because "I didn't think it'd happen" or "I didn't think he'd cheat cuz she's disgusting" but that's the truth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ConfusedGirl3876 said:


> @BB I've been thinking about your post for awhile. I think a big part of "why" is that I truly never thought he'd cheat on me.


Every person that gets cheated on feels this way. Nobody ever thinks it's possible...until it happens to them.

You are not alone in your feelings... 

Just be advised... it was his choice to cheat, ok? Not yours.


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