# What Is Love, and How does it feel? what are you suppose to feel?



## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Good Morning

What is love in term of feelings to your spouse, I cant feel that word, and I guess I nevered felt the true meaning of love, what love suppose to feel after been married for few years and couple or more kids? how do you know you love your spouse?

Reason I'm asking, because I asked myself If i love my spouse but couldnt find an answer. to be honest with you all, if not for kids ( God Protect them ) I think I would have left this relation with my wife long ago ( Not sure ) and I bet wife may be think the same.

When I look at my spouse I just see a partner in life, a companion, helping each others. you may ask why did we get married or how I felt before,
Wife and I never had true meaning of dating or getting to know each others, I was living in west cost and she was in East cost, you can say long distance relationship, at that time, I hated dating, I hated going out partying, I'm not that person, therefore I felt lonely, I felt isolated even I had plenty of friends and family. then I met my spouse on facebook, we talked for few months visited 5 times and she visited back, she is good looking with hot body, i thought she is strong independent woman looking like me to settle down, and mix feelings with got married. 
found out she very dependent woman but a good wife, nagging like any other wife there, part of that nagging is me ( sometimes I get her nerve)
I'm kind of person if I do or don't get her made, i will first to comfort her and kissing her and make her feel good, she never ever tried to apologies first and hug me or kiss me on neck or cheeks just for the heck of it. 

I Dont know what is love and how it suppose to feel, because I never been in true, passionate love, I was kind of person who dress up nice all the time and drive nice cars, many ex girl friends told me they love and never said it back because I didn't feel it. 
from what her family said, she has changed a lot to a better person, yes i agree. but still she is very dependent woman, for example, she want to work and asked me to do her resume, so I did her resume for her, and got her contacts in order and references, after doing that she asked me to find her a job and apply for her??!! i know she has two kids and one class, but come on!?

she is good mother and wife, no matter what I respect her and I will do whatever in my power to make her the best person even better than me because she is my wife. I pay for her schooling and I'm the one who is pushing her all the time to finish her B.A, I'm even the one who register her for classes and do her school schedule. 
even tho she is setting home mom, i sent out 2 year old two days to day care even we can't afford it just to make her have time for herself. 

tell me how am I suppose to feel? what is love? what is passionate love? what is I cant live without you thing, is it true or is it just what read in books and watch in movies?
is it me cant feel love? may be I dont understand love?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think most people in long term relationships feel this way from time to time.

I'd take it as a sign to put alittle more effort into your marriage.

But I know easier said than done.

Am courious to see the replies


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You are suffering from the nice guy syndrome and you have more of a parent/child relationship with your wife than husband/wife one. 

And lastly if you have to ask what love is then you've never experienced it. I've dated lots of guys and have only been truly in love twice. I liked them and they would have made great husbands but there was no chemistry, no spark, no passion so I had to let them go. I know many people marry for lots of reasons but passion and being ga ga in love was mine.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Supposed to feel? That is an impossible question. We make a zillion little decisions that all lead up to where we are and how we feel right now. I married a man that I was wildly, passionately in love with. My friends all thought I was being a fool. He was the worst sort of prospect. And in fairness to them, they were absolutely right.

We were lucky. We learned and grew up together.

I know what you mean about the dates saying I love you. The first time DH said that to me, I said um, ah, uh, that's nice. I did not feel it either. I never ever had said to anyone. 

What does true love feel like? It runs the gammit. Some days his touch is like fire that sends me reeling. Some days I wish he would just be done so it could be over. Some days I fold the laundry and he does dishes, and we are in bliss being together. Some days we can be at the nicest restaurant, having what should be the nicest time, and we want to kill each other.

But it always feels that we are together. One unit. When the sh!t hits the fan, we circle the wagons together and look out at how to make it right. Our children are a joy we share. We have a strong desire to find the things we both like to do together so that we can spend fun times together and build memories.

A lot of time it is also work. You build up a strong sense of the togetherness at the times you have had to circle the wagons. When one of you is less strong, you have to remind yourself that you can take this one, and s/he will be strong later. And not resent them for the strength you view as lacking. 

True love feels like I am pretty freaking confident that he will never chose to live without me. And I would never ever chose to live without him. I don't want to. I can't imagine a situation, opportunity or anything that would ever be more important than being with him. And I think he feels the same way.

Thew ****ty thing is you have built your life around THIS one. And you have no way to know if you can ever achieve that with this one.

I hope this was helpful and not just depressing.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Supposed to feel? That is an impossible question. We make a zillion little decisions that all lead up to where we are and how we feel right now. I married a man that I was wildly, passionately in love with. My friends all thought I was being a fool. He was the worst sort of prospect. And in fairness to them, they were absolutely right.
> 
> We were lucky. We learned and grew up together.
> 
> ...


That was actually very helpful, to me, at least. I really needed to hear that today. Thank you!


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Still scratching my Head, 


Men, can you add something here please?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"Love is not a passive or spontaneous 
experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You 
can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it 
day in and day out. That's why we have the 
expression "the labor of love." Because it takes 
time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, 
it takes WISDOM."


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"You are suffering from the nice guy syndrome and you have more of a parent/child relationship with your wife than husband/wife one. " 

This caught my eye and sounds very much like what my wife and I are experiencing. Where can I lean more about the parent/child relationship?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

love is a verb.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I think that a big part of the experience of love has to do with how we are designed as human beings. The most effective marriage therapy today works from the premise that there is a very healthy and natural part of us that is based on that "parent child" relationship in the sense that we have basic "attachment needs." 

According to this view, the need to feel loved, to have a deep sense of emotional trust and safety, from our partner is as important to our mental health as food and air are to our physical health (actually lots of good research shows that having those attachment needs met is also critically important to our physical health as well!). 

In my work with couples, I've found that many people take having their attachments needs effectively met by their partner for granted. They use their spouse as a "secure-base" to go out and have fun or to have emotional and physical affairs (usually at work and increasingly online). 

It's only when they are about to loose their partner emotionally because of taking them for granted, that they realize their error, and how much they really love their partner. When they feel the pain of impending emotional separation, it better enables them to experience what their spouse has been feeling. The term emotional "injury" is not just a metaphor here. When love and emotional nurturing are with held it can really harm a person spiritually, emotionally and physically (health wise). 

Behavioral couple's therapy used to be the most effective kind (and still is especially when there is substance abuse and or partner violence), where couples would make strategic changes in how they interacted by strategically defining, stopping old behaviors and starting new behaviors that were mutually "reinforcing" to the marriage. This process is still very effective, particularly when behaviors are changed that address the attachment needs, like setting boundaries not to have emotional affairs etc. 

Then attachment-based (parent-child) couples therapy came along and said: "look our therapy gets long lasting results with 90% of distressed marriages and even cures mild to moderate depression better than specialized depression therapy or meds. We don't work on behavior change, we increase e quality and intensity of emotional "bonding events" in the marriage." "Our results last when we check on most couples 5 or more years after couples therapy." 

I think it's both the inborn attachment emotional needs that must be expressed and met, and the continuous work to meet secondary needs, that in most cases have the emotional needs at their core, that define the emotional experience of love in a relationship. There's also a natural fluctuation in the intensity of these needs, based on what's happening in the relationship and its environment. 

For example the need to share the work of parenting, requires negotiation and behavior change but it also reflects the need to feel loved and treated fairly. The need to resolve money issues often relates to the underling need to feel safe and secure emotionally. 

The need to resolve in-law conflict often signifies the emotional need to feel emotionally protected as does the behavior change related to setting protective boundaries that affair-proof a marriage. I think love is a noun and a verb.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Thank you Duddy! That helps.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Every form of couples therapy and marriage counseling is designed to strictly teach you the tools to stop pissing each other off. No more no less. The rest is, as they say, hoping for a miracle. 

YouTube - The Burning Hell(Mathias Kom) - It happens in florida


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think you are looking at your wife with a very negative lens right now. Sometimes it's difficult in long term relationships, however you are looking at the glass half full.

The things you list seem very mild, in fact there are plenty of things you can do about them.

Firstly decide what is really important, and look at things like the resume and job application. So you helped her do that, but I am sure she does a million things every day that your life easier, she just doesn't mention them.


Secondly about the nagging part, ask her to stop nagging, and only respond when she is politely asking you to do something. Then if it's a reasonable request just get in and do it. Also try and be as responsible for your self and your children as possible, then she will not have reason to start "nagging" you.

Also make a list about everything positive about her, no negatives and focus on that. Then spend time with her and on your relationship, because you can improve it and your connection and sex life. Then you may a feel a more lovinbg connection.

The truth is relationship don't just work out or feel good without effort. Good luck.

For me love is feeling safe, secure, happy, wanting to be together and make sacrifices because the rewards of doing so outweigh everything else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Love just is...

you can't define it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Tourchwood said:


> tell me how am I suppose to feel? what is love? what is passionate love? what is I cant live without you thing, is it true or is it just what read in books and watch in movies?
> is it me cant feel love? may be I dont understand love?


Let me just say, if you FELT this, you would KNOW it was there, it would rise within you -just mere thinking of your other half , every *love song *that comes on the radio- captures your heart-you think of them, it becomes your song, no matter how old or new, you FEEL the LOVE.  You will have the urge to reach out to your lover in the middle of the night & hold them, to soothe them if they have had a bad day.  If they are gone, you miss them like crazy. 

MRI Brain Scans have been done on those "in love". Always "science" behind these things. Certain areas of the brain will literally LIGHT UP when looking at images of the one you love in comparison to other stimuli. *Dopamine* is our Pleasure seeking motivating hormone (gives you feelings of bliss) too much & can cause addictions and obsessive Compulsive behaviors. 

This is usually HIGH at the beginning stages of LOVE but can last & last throughout our marraiges as well. Still Madly in Love? Brain Scans Can Explain It is what shows up in red on this scan below. 

The science of love


HowStuffWorks "How Love Works"


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

looks like the alcholic still has a little bit of love left.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Let me just say, if you FELT this, you would KNOW it was there, it would rise within you -just mere thinking of your other half , every *love song *that comes on the radio- captures your heart-you think of them, it becomes your song, no matter how old or new, you FEEL the LOVE.


BARF! 

This is not the experience for everyone.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

BARF! 

This is not the experience for everyone.[/QUOTE]

:iagree:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> looks like the alcholic still has a little bit of love left.


To whom are you referring here?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> To whom are you referring here?


refering to the mri images posted by SA


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> refering to the mri images posted by SA


Ahhhhh. Thanks.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mom6547 said:


> BARF!
> 
> This is not the experience for everyone.


 You didn't feel like THIS in the beginning of your relationships when you were dating? I realize MANY loose this over the years, but this is pretty normal behavior/feelings in the beginning. 

Sorry- me & my husband are sentimentally "mushy" at least some of each & ever day. Maybe we are in the minority here, but we still hold hands and feel like that when we hear love songs. He always tells me if he hears one on the way home from work, stuff like that. I wouldn't want it any other way. Neither would he. 

We do have a guy friend who every now & then -gives us the "Barf" reenactment -because he knows how we are, he sticks his finger down his throat, makes pathetic gagging noises like he can't take it any longer. :rofl: I guess there are lots of people who feel like this. He is single though, I know he wants "that".


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