# Wife wants to separate and date someone else



## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

My wife and I have been together for 14 years and married for 3. Things haven't always been great and I stopped really seeing her or being intimate. We started talking about opening our marriage so she could fulfill her sexual needs so she started online chatting. I was having a hard time with it and second guessing it. Then 2 weeks ago I check her phone and she is telling some other woman that even if I don't want her to continue talking to her she still will and she can't wait to meet her. I lose it because this was just supposed to be a fwb situation and she is basically saying she wants to date this person. She then tells me she wants to separate and see where things go with this new person. She was a stay at home mom so moving out I'd not viable for her. So we are living together in separate rooms and still spending time together. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but she also doesn't want to get back together. I feel angry and blindsided and broken hearted.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Are you a man or a woman?


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Are you a man or a woman?


I am a woman


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So the marriage as you describe it sucks, you’re not even intimate with her and “opened the marriage”. Why not just let her go? 
Did you really expect that she would have sex with other women and not become emotionally attached? This is what people do. It shouldn’t be unexpected.
Just divorce and tell her not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out. What other option do you have, and why would you even want her to stay? I don’t understand.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

So we talked about opening the marriage and she started talking to someone and was thinking a friend with benefits situation but she caught feelings I guess. I don't want to let her go because I love her. I didn't value her like I should have. I took for granted that she would always be there.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

She never slept with anyone else. I am not a very sexual person. Past drama and anxiety meds but mostly we just bickered all the time and I got in my head too much.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Wish I had more advice to offer. Chasing or trying to nice someone back that has interest in another doesn’t work. I’m sorry.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

So the short of it is that you were not meeting her needs and she is moving on to get her needs met elsewhere and now you're upset about it. Maybe you should have taken your wedding vows more seriously.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Krysti said:


> So we talked about opening the marriage and she started talking to someone and was thinking a friend with benefits situation but she caught feelings I guess. I don't want to let her go because I love her. I didn't value her like I should have. I took for granted that she would always be there.


I'm sorry you are i this situation. It sounds like you decided to open your marriage for your wide, and that's a move that shows that you love her but carries its own risks. I think the best at this point is to start to detach from her; you cannot make her stay with you if she wants to leave. The only thing you can do now that would help you at this point is to start to emotionally detach from her. I know, easier said than done, but when you cannot change people's mind, you work on changing your own to get out of this situation. Sounds like it's too late to restart things with her; her mind is with someone else. 
Good luck!


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> So the short of it is that you were not meeting her needs and she is moving on to get her needs met elsewhere and now you're upset about it. Maybe you should have taken your wedding vows more seriously.


Wow, harsh. I took my wedding vows seriously. Sometimes you just lose track of each other, marriage isn't always perfect.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

coquille said:


> I'm sorry you are i this situation. It sounds like you decided to open your marriage for your wide, and that's a move that shows that you love her but carries its own risks. I think the best at this point is to start to detach from her; you cannot make her stay with you if she wants to leave. The only thing you can do now that would help you at this point is to start to emotionally detach from her. I know, easier said than done, but when you cannot change people's mind, you work on changing your own to get out of this situation. Sounds like it's too late to restart things with her; her mind is with someone else.
> Good luck!


Thanks for the advice. I am trying to work on myself regardless of what that means for us.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Krysti said:


> Wow, harsh. I took my wedding vows seriously. Sometimes you just lose track of each other, marriage isn't always perfect.


Well, sometimes the truth hurts. You didn't lose track of her, you just quit paying attention.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Well, sometimes the truth hurts. You didn't lose track of her, you just quit paying attention.


Yea that is true I did stop paying attention. But I can't be 100% to blame either.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Krysti said:


> So we talked about opening the marriage and she started talking to someone and was thinking a friend with benefits situation but she caught feelings I guess. I don't want to let her go because I love her. I didn't value her like I should have. I took for granted that she would always be there.


She’s already gone.


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## Krysti (Jun 17, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> She’s already gone.


Yea I think you are right but part of me just can't give up.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Please ask a moderator to merge your 2 threads. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

she is using you. You can’t see it.
She doesn’t really care that she’s hurting you, if she did she wouldn’t. She cares about herself. Why would you sabotage yourself by hanging in to this woman? She probably doesn’t even want to still adopt the child. Then she’d be responsible for the child. That would interfere with her “new love” she hasn’t even met yet.
Everyone is trying to make you see the obvious. But what we have here is “failure tO communicate”.
Good luck.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Read up on The 180 and start implementing it.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

no, what we have is someone wh wants be nice and to keep the door open. that strategy just doesn't work.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Are you a man or a woman?


Like that matters. 
Make her get a full time job and make money! If she wants to be free to date - divorce her! 
Never beg anyone to stay with you! 
File for divorce ASAP… she is gone already!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Krysti said:


> Wow, harsh. I took my wedding vows seriously. Sometimes you just lose track of each other, marriage isn't always perfect.


But you can’t be in a marriage when one person already exited that commitment. This is over already.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I am sorry you are in this situation.

However, you did essentially tell your wife you will not be meeting her intimacy needs and to look elsewhere. It sounds like your wife needed emotional and physical intimacy and was not receiving any of it in the marriage.

It does sound like there’s a compatibility issue here and it would be healthier to divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Krysti said:


> So we talked about opening the marriage and she started talking to someone and was thinking a friend with benefits situation but she caught feelings I guess. I don't want to let her go because I love her. I didn't value her like I should have. I took for granted that she would always be there.


Counselling as a couple and individually might be of benefit.


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

Krysti said:


> My wife and I have been together for 14 years and married for 3. Things haven't always been great and I stopped really seeing her or being intimate. We started talking about opening our marriage so she could fulfill her sexual needs so she started online chatting. I was having a hard time with it and second guessing it. Then 2 weeks ago I check her phone and she is telling some other woman that even if I don't want her to continue talking to her she still will and she can't wait to meet her. I lose it because this was just supposed to be a fwb situation and she is basically saying she wants to date this person. She then tells me she wants to separate and see where things go with this new person. She was a stay at home mom so moving out I'd not viable for her. So we are living together in separate rooms and still spending time together. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but she also doesn't want to get back together. I feel angry and blindsided and broken hearted.


You will feel better to understand that love is not selfish, it took me two weeks of depression to finally realize that if I love someone then their happiest comes before mine. Try it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DonJuan said:


> You will feel better to understand that love is not selfish, it took me two weeks of depression to finally realize that if I love someone then their happiest comes before mine. Try it.


Is that a joke?
So if your spouse wants to sleep with someone else you should be ok with it, “for their happiness”?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Are these her children that she brought into the marriage or are they children that you are both parents of? Because if they're not your children at all, I feel she is just using you financially at this point and that you are just letting her, and you have to understand that there's no way she could respect that. It's not going to make her love you more or come back. It's just going to make her lose respect for you if you are letting her walk all over you and use you. 

I'm afraid this is a mismatch. Whatever you did in the past that you now think you might have changed and things might be better, it's actually doubtful that it would have changed anything. Besides it already sounds like you were the one contributing the most. 

I would give her however much notice until the end of a school term for her to find a new place to live. If she has found someone who is willing to just take her in, she is level to leave you before then. 

I'm sorry that you are the one left emotionally suffering here. Next relationship, watch carefully and don't give more than the other person does or jump in and become more invested than they are. Just step by step make sure that you're both equally invested in doing your parts. Even if it's not in your nature it's best to set some standards for when you give your heart as well as your finances! It might help you avoid someone else taking advantage.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sorry, am I right in reading that you weren’t having sex with her at all? So no intimacy from your end?


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Krysti said:


> My wife and I have been together for 14 years and married for 3. Things haven't always been great and I stopped really seeing her or being intimate. We started talking about opening our marriage so she could fulfill her sexual needs so she started online chatting. I was having a hard time with it and second guessing it. Then 2 weeks ago I check her phone and she is telling some other woman that even if I don't want her to continue talking to her she still will and she can't wait to meet her. I lose it because this was just supposed to be a fwb situation and she is basically saying she wants to date this person. She then tells me she wants to separate and see where things go with this new person. She was a stay at home mom so moving out I'd not viable for her. So we are living together in separate rooms and still spending time together. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but she also doesn't want to get back together. I feel angry and blindsided and broken hearted.


Give ultimatum, live by it. She monkey branched. Gone.


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