# Wife has Seperate Bank Account.



## Mista Brightside

I've been married for 4 months now. We decided on joint accounts and after we were married i immediately transfered all monies from my personal account into our joint account along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years. She never did the same with her account. I waited and waited hoping she would get it done. In the beginning it was because she was having issues with the banks and our new account. But when i asked her about it last week and what was taking so long she claimed that i "scare her when it comes to money" and she's keeping that account to protect us. I've given her no reason to believe i'm irresponsible with money. The account is in her name only, i have no access and she openly refused to show me a statement when i asked. This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house. She claims now that she will share statemens with me but claims she will only do that in person, which is tough being that she is living almost 2 hours away. I really need some advice here. How would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? I would like to hear from both husbands and wives. Thanks in advance!


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## ccpowerslave

We went to a joint account immediately on her changing her name. We have other joint accounts. I’m not sure if she has any personal ones, I doubt it. If she did I wouldn’t care, she manages all of our cash and such.

In your case if she had to agreed to do it and now has cold feet it’s a bit odd.


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## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> I've been married for 4 months now. We decided on joint accounts and after we were married i immediately transfered all monies from my personal account into our joint account along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years. She never did the same with her account. I waited and waited hoping she would get it done. In the beginning it was because she was having issues with the banks and our new account. But when i asked her about it last week and what was taking so long she claimed that i "scare her when it comes to money" and she's keeping that account to protect us. The account is in her name only, i have no access and she openly refused to show me a statement when i asked. This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house. She claims now that she will share statemens with me but claims she will only do that in person, which is tough being that she is living almost 2 hours away. I really need some advice here. How would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? I would like to hear from both husbands and wives. Thanks in advance!


It was wrong of her to go back on the deal, however... 

If you've been paying a mortgage for 20 years then I assume you are in your 40's or 50's, and I assume your wife is as well. What was her previous marriage like? Was she screwed over financially? Abused in the sense that finances were withheld? What was her parents marriage like, financially? That may explain why she is so scared to share finances. 

How are your living expenses split? 50/50, or is she getting a free ride?


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## bobert

My wife and I have always had separate accounts, and we do not have a joint account. We do however have access to each other's accounts and she uses my card whenever she wants.

Originally we planned on having a joint account, but I was too lazy to go into the bank. It has never been an argument. But that's my marriage, each one is different.


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## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> It was wrong of her to go back on the deal, however...
> 
> If you've been paying a mortgage for 20 years then I assume you are in your 40's or 50's, and I assume your wife is as well. What was her previous marriage like? Was she screwed over financially? Abused in the sense that finances were withheld? What was her parents marriage like, financially? That may explain why she is so scared to share finances.
> 
> How are your living expenses split? 50/50, or is she getting a free ride?


Yes in our 50's both the same age. I know of no finacial issues in her previous marriages and her parents had a great relationship with no issues like this that i know of. Everything is split 50/50.


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## C3156

Marriage #1, we went full joint. We were young and I traveled a lot, so her being able to manage everything was a must. Marriage #2, being older and probably a little jaded, we both kept our personal accounts and contribute to a joint account to pay all the bills. Both methods work but it depends on what the two of you agree on as far as managing money and the home.

If she is living with her mom, something tells me there is just more than a bank account at issue.


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## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> My wife and I have always had separate accounts, and we do not have a joint account. We do however have access to each other's accounts and she uses my card whenever she wants.
> 
> Originally we planned on having a joint account, but I was too lazy to go into the bank. It has never been an argument. But that's my marriage, each one is different.


But how would you feel if you agreed to have joint accounts and she later changed her mind after you already committed, and then refused to allow you access or even look at a statement?


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## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> Yes in our 50's both the same age. I know of no finacial issues in her previous marriages and her parents had a great relationship with no issues like this that i know of. Everything is split 50/50.


Previous marriages? Plural? 

Regardless, I would try to have a conversation about those marriages and see if there is anything there she was too scared to tell you. If that's not the reason, there is something else and hopefully she will open up about it. You may not get on the same page but understanding where she is at might help.


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## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> But how would you feel if you agreed to have joint accounts and she later changed her mind after you already committed, and then refused to allow you access or even look at a statement?


Oh I definitely wouldn't like it, so I'm not saying you're wrong for that.


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## ccpowerslave

Mista Brightside said:


> But how would you feel if you agreed to have joint accounts and she later changed her mind after you already committed, and then refused to allow you access or even look at a statement?


I would guess that she misrepresented her financial situation either low or high.


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## Mista Brightside

C3156 said:


> Marriage #1, we went full joint. We were young and I traveled a lot, so her being able to manage everything was a must. Marriage #2, being older and probably a little jaded, we both kept our personal accounts and contribute to a joint account to pay all the bills. Both methods work but it depends on what the two of you agree on as far as managing money and the home.
> 
> If she is living with her mom, something tells me there is just more than a bank account at issue.


I agree. I can't help but feel something is amiss. We discussed this in depth because we recognized that this could become an issue in the marriage. I told her i didn't care, i can go either way...joint or seperate, so the decision to go joint was hers.


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## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> Oh I definitely wouldn't like it, so I'm not saying you're wrong for that.


Thank you so much for your input!


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## Mista Brightside

ccpowerslave said:


> I would guess that she misrepresented her financial situation either low or high.


I can't help but feel that she's hiding money "just in case" which means she hasn't committed. So sad. I thought i hit the lottery.


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## Lostinthought61

Immediately change everything back, you took the first step and she hasn't change it back asap.


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## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> Previous marriages? Plural?
> 
> Regardless, I would try to have a conversation about those marriages and see if there is anything there she was too scared to tell you. If that's not the reason, there is something else and hopefully she will open up about it. You may not get on the same page but understanding where she is at might help.


Yes, she's been married 3 times prior. Great advice. Thank you so much!


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## 342693

Mista Brightside said:


> This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house.


Did she move out because you argued about the separate account? And this is highly suspicious. It sounds like she is hiding something or doesn't think the marriage will last and wants to protect her money.

If she refuses to merge accounts, then you can either end the marriage or get your own separate account and each pay 50% of the bills.


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## ccpowerslave

Mista Brightside said:


> I can't help but feel that she's hiding money "just in case" which means she hasn't committed. So sad. I thought i hit the lottery.


Also gels with the bounce out to the parents move. Sad.


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## Mista Brightside

Lostinthought61 said:


> Immediately change everything back, you took the first step and she hasn't change it back asap.


I asked her if that would be ok being that she never followed througt and all i received back was silence. It was deafening


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## 342693

Mista Brightside said:


> I asked her if that would be ok being that she never followed througt and all i received back was silence. It was deafening


She didn't ask you if she could do it, so why are you asking her?


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## Mista Brightside

SCDad01 said:


> Did she move out because you argued about the separate account? And this is highly suspicious. It sounds like she is hiding something or doesn't think the marriage will last and wants to protect her money.


Yes. The first night we got into this she wasn't at work. I was so frustrated and hurt by her lack of culpabilty that i stated: "You can stay at your mom's tonight if you like". But it's her decision to stay and not come home, it's been 3 days now and she has told me she's staying for at least another week.


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## Marc878

Red flags !!!!!


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## Mista Brightside

SCDad01 said:


> She didn't ask you if she could do it, so why are you asking her?


Good point.


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## Marc878

Get to an attorney now!


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## Lostinthought61

Mista Brightside said:


> I asked her if that would be ok being that she never followed througt and all i received back was silence. It was deafening


there is your answer....i have a funny feeling she is not sure about this marriage...she is having second thoughts


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## Mista Brightside

ccpowerslave said:


> Also gels with the bounce out to the parents move. Sad.


I love her but she always walks out when things get hot. This after she claims that we must never walk away, always communicate and never go to bed angry. Just heartbroken.


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## 342693

Mista Brightside said:


> Yes. The first night we got into this she was still at work. I was so frustrated and hurt by her lack of culpabilty that i stated: "You can stay at your mom's tonight if you like". But it's her decision to stay and not come home, it's been 3 days now and she has told me she's staying for at least another week.


You said you love her and I get it. But I would cut your loses and move on. She sounds either damaged by past relationships or immature. Lots of red flags. Any idea why her other marriages ended?


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## Mista Brightside

Marc878 said:


> Get to an attorney now!


I'm considering it seriously.


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## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> I can't help but feel that she's hiding money "just in case" which means she hasn't committed. So sad. I thought i hit the lottery.


So, assuming she isn't doing this with malicious intent... If "just in case" is her reason don't assume that's about you. It may be far more about her and her own worries. 

But being married 4 times... 😬


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## Mista Brightside

SCDad01 said:


> You said you love her and I get it. But I would cut your loses and move on. She sounds either damaged by past relationships or immature. Any idea why her other marriages ended?


The first she says became violent. Not sure about the second and the third she claims that the other party changed.


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## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> So, assuming she isn't doing this with malicious intent... If "just in case" is her reason don't assume that's about you. It may be far more about her and her own worries.
> 
> But being married 4 times... 😬


She claims that she "absolutely adores" me, that she will never ever get another divorce and the she will love and respect me forever no matter what. Her actions do not match her words. She constantly holds two opposing positions at the same time. She claims that her faults are because she "cares too much". Is this insanity or am i losing it.


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## Marc878

Mista Brightside said:


> I'm considering it seriously.


Married 3 times. Cmon man better quit thinking and start actions.


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## Marc878

Mista Brightside said:


> She claims that she "absolutely adores" me, that she will never ever get another divorce and the she will love and respect me forever no matter what. Her actions do not match her words. She constantly holds two opposing positions at the same time. She claims that her faults are because she "cares too much". Is this insanity or am i losing it.


Words don’t mean squat.


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## Mista Brightside

Lostinthought61 said:


> there is your answer....i have a funny feeling she is not sure about this marriage...she is having second thoughts


I agree. Thanks for your input.


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## Mista Brightside

Marc878 said:


> Married 3 times. Cmon man better quit thinking and start actions.


Yeah...sigh


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## Mista Brightside

Marc878 said:


> Words don’t mean squat.


No they do not. As the old addage goes: Actions speak louder than words.


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## Mista Brightside

I need to add that we have an appointment with a marriage counselor next week. I need to no if i'm losing my mind or not. This should be interesting.


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## Marc878

Now is not the time to stand around flat footed and find your bank accounts drained.


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## Mista Brightside

Marc878 said:


> Now is not the time to stand around flat footed and find your bank accounts drained.


Can't stand this. It's why i was single for over 20 years...


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## Marc878

Mista Brightside said:


> I need to add that we have an appointment with a marriage counselor next week. I need to no if i'm losing my mind or not. This should be interesting.


The marriage isn’t the problem. You didn’t look before you leaped.


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## Blondilocks

Four months in and you don't trust her and she doesn't trust you. End it.


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## Marc878

Shes been married 3 times for a reasonable bud.


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## Livvie

Omg. So you pretty much gave her half of the house you've paid on for 20 years. Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd get out of this marriage. I feel that eventually she is going to financially screw you.


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## sideways

Mista Brightside said:


> Yes, she's been married 3 times prior. Great advice. Thank you so much!


So you're #4.

That would be a red flag for me but to each his own.

What should be a HUGE concern to you is your wife's word means nothing.

Why did marriage #1 end? 
#2?
#3?


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## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> She claims that her faults are because she "cares too much".




Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. I'd give the marriage counseling a real shot however, make sure you give it 100% effort and make it clear that you expect the same from her. Put the issues out there, _including yours_, and go full disclosure. There is no point doing therapy if you're going to make them drag info out of you session after session. It's a waste of time and money.


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## Mista Brightside

Marc878 said:


> The marriage isn’t the problem. You didn’t look before you leaped.


I'm afraid you're correct.


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## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. I'd give the marriage counseling a real shot however, make sure you give it 100% effort and make it clear that you expect the same from her. Put the issues out there, _including yours_, and go full disclosure. There is no point doing therapy if you're going to make them drag info out of you session after session. It's a waste of time and money.


I agree, thanks for your input.


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## CountryMike

Mista Brightside said:


> I've been married for 4 months now. We decided on joint accounts and after we were married i immediately transfered all monies from my personal account into our joint account along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years. She never did the same with her account. I waited and waited hoping she would get it done. In the beginning it was because she was having issues with the banks and our new account. But when i asked her about it last week and what was taking so long she claimed that i "scare her when it comes to money" and she's keeping that account to protect us. I've given her no reason to believe i'm irresponsible with money. The account is in her name only, i have no access and she openly refused to show me a statement when i asked. This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house. She claims now that she will share statemens with me but claims she will only do that in person, which is tough being that she is living almost 2 hours away. I really need some advice here. How would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? I would like to hear from both husbands and wives. Thanks in advance!


To the concept I agree. In the circumstances you're describing it's not just about the money.

I'd take mine back out into separate account, and yes have a joint account as well.

If you're doing nothing untoward then she's the suspicious one.


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## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> I agree, thanks for your input.


Also, don't decide to end marriage counseling (or the marriage, usually) based on the first session. One or both parties often feel attacked after the "So, tell me what's been going on" followed by "Well SHE... Well HE...". You have to give it time.


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## CountryMike

Mista Brightside said:


> Yes, she's been married 3 times prior. Great advice. Thank you so much!


That's your confirmation. She truly and honestly demonstrates her commitment or you better run before she takes half of all you have.


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## sideways

Mista Brightside said:


> The first she says became violent. Not sure about the second and the third she claims that the other party changed.


This girl was married and divorced THREE times and you weren't wanting to know why #2 ended and for her to be more descriptive on the 3rd ("other party changed")?


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## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> Also, don't decide to end marriage counseling (or the marriage, usually) based on the first session. One or both parties often feel attacked after the "So, tell me what's been going on" followed by "Well SHE... Well HE...". You have to give it time.


I'm mentally prepping myself for that exact scenario. Great advice.


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## Al_Bundy

At the very least talk to an attorney to undo some of the financial damage you have done.......like putting her on the house. Even if she hoodwinks you into thinking things are ok for now, this could come back in a year. As others have said, 3 guys have married her and all 3 have tapped.


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## Mista Brightside

sideways said:


> This girl was married and divorced THREE times and you weren't wanting to know why #2 ended and for her to be more descriptive on the 3rd ("other party changed")?


Nope, the past is the past and i don't believe in digging it up. I fell in love.


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## Mista Brightside

Al_Bundy said:


> At the very least talk to an attorney to undo some of the financial damage you have done.......like putting her on the house. Even if she hoodwinks you into thinking things are ok for now, this could come back in a year. As others have said, 3 guys have married her and all 3 have tapped.


I alreadyy talked to the mortgage company and are awaiting the paperwork. Whether she signs them or not is a different story.


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## Al_Bundy

Mista Brightside said:


> Nope, the past is the past and i don't believe in digging it up. I fell in love.


Then in that case I have some property in Chernobyl I'd love to sell you.............past doesn't matter right????

Seriously though, how long did you date before you moved in and/or got married?


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## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> Nope, the past is the past and i don't believe in digging it up. I fell in love.


Problem is... The past is often a good predictor of the future, especially past adult behavior.

People can change, but change takes a lot of hard work and usually therapy.


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## sideways

Mista Brightside said:


> Nope, the past is the past and i don't believe in digging it up. I fell in love.


Well when she walks away with half of your assets just blame it on "love".


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## Al_Bundy

It probably seemed like the right thing to do at the time. You two agreed, you were in love, things seemed to be fine. 

Now that you are looking back with the benefit of hindsight you probably feel foolish. You feel like you should have seen this coming. We've all been there. Don't beat yourself up, instead start circling the wagons and protect your assets and your mental health.


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## frenchpaddy

have you a marriage contract ? 
if not you can still get an after marriage contract ?
if this is a big deal for her you can get ways around it if you want and if she wants , 
we have only one account and I had the house and other in my name but there was still a bank loan to pay off the last year of the loan , we and we worked together then for 5 years when we sold and bought again so in doing the papers for the new place i put it in 50 50
but the experts say to have your account have her account and have a living account which you both agree on what is payed into that , it is up to both how you set it up and there is no reason why it need be a deal bracker , if you want to find a way around for her 

if she is afraid of paying her money into a account then she could keep it and agree to not take from you if the marrage was to end , 
unless she is a gold digger


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## Openminded

Being Husband No. 4 didn’t concern you? She saw you coming, dude.


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## drencrom

Mista Brightside said:


> I've been married for 4 months now. We decided on joint accounts and after we were married i immediately transfered all monies from my personal account into our joint account along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years. She never did the same with her account. I waited and waited hoping she would get it done. In the beginning it was because she was having issues with the banks and our new account. But when i asked her about it last week and what was taking so long she claimed that i "scare her when it comes to money" and she's keeping that account to protect us. I've given her no reason to believe i'm irresponsible with money. The account is in her name only, i have no access and she openly refused to show me a statement when i asked. This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house. She claims now that she will share statemens with me but claims she will only do that in person, which is tough being that she is living almost 2 hours away. I really need some advice here. How would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? I would like to hear from both husbands and wives. Thanks in advance!


Then its real simple, you get rid of the joint account, start putting your money into your own account, and present her with a bill for half of the household expenses each month.

But what do you want to bet THAT would be unacceptable to her? 

Having said that, she's hiding something. She wants to show you in person, as in selective documents? She doesn't want to have you log on and see EXACTLY what is going on.
Does she go out of town alot? Go out without you? Do things like come home very late or the next day? If so, I'm betting you'll see some hotels on the statement.

But if not, disregard that last paragraph and start keeping your money separate.


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## Mista Brightside

Al_Bundy said:


> Then in that case I have some property in Chernobyl I'd love to sell you.............past doesn't matter right????
> 
> Seriously though, how long did you date before you moved in and/or got married?


Over a year. We're getting off subject and it's not productive. Thanks for your input.


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## Kaliber

Mista Brightside said:


> I thought i hit the lottery.


My man! How can you say you thought you hit the lottery with a women who was divorced 3 times?!!
Were you that desperate for a woman?!
Don't you have any standards?!
After all these years of working hard to reach where you are, are you willing to risk it all?!



Mista Brightside said:


> Nope, the past is the past and i don't believe in digging it up. I fell in love.


What's love got to do with it?
So if she cheated on her previous marriages, or cleaned those men out financially wouldn't you want to know?!
You're in you 50s how can you be so niav?!! 🤦‍♂️


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## Mista Brightside

sideways said:


> Well when she walks away with half of your assets just blame it on "love".


Thanks for your input.


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## Mista Brightside

Al_Bundy said:


> It probably seemed like the right thing to do at the time. You two agreed, you were in love, things seemed to be fine.
> 
> Now that you are looking back with the benefit of hindsight you probably feel foolish. You feel like you should have seen this coming. We've all been there. Don't beat yourself up, instead start circling the wagons and protect your assets and your mental health.


Thankyou so much. I appreciate the input.


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## Mista Brightside

frenchpaddy said:


> have you a marriage contract ?
> if not you can still get an after marriage contract ?
> if this is a big deal for her you can get ways around it if you want and if she wants ,
> we have only one account and I had the house and other in my name but there was still a bank loan to pay off the last year of the loan , we and we worked together then for 5 years when we sold and bought again so in doing the papers for the new place i put it in 50 50
> but the experts say to have your account have her account and have a living account which you both agree on what is payed into that , it is up to both how you set it up and there is no reason why it need be a deal bracker , if you want to find a way around for her
> 
> if she is afraid of paying her money into a account then she could keep it and agree to not take from you if the marrage was to end ,
> unless she is a gold digger


No, she makes more money than i do.


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## Mista Brightside

Kaliber said:


> My man! How can you say you thought you hit the lottery with a women who was divorced 3 times?!!
> Were you that desperate for a woman?!
> Don't you have any standards?!
> After all these years of working hard to reach where you are, are you willing to risk it all?!
> 
> 
> What's love got to do with it?
> So if cheated on her previous marriages, or cleaned those men out financially wouldn't you want to know?!
> You're in you 50s how can you be so niav?!! 🤦‍♂️


Thanks for your input. I would appreciate it if you didn't repond anymore. It's unproductive to point fingers...i'm looking for advice, not criticism.


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## BigDaddyNY

Mista Brightside said:


> No, she makes more money than i do.


Is it a big difference in income? Just wondering if that is what set her off.


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## Openminded

You want an answer on topic? Former wife speaking here (one very long-term marriage). No, I don’t think it’s acceptable.


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## Mista Brightside

drencrom said:


> Then its real simple, you get rid of the joint account, start putting your money into your own account, and present her with a bill for half of the household expenses each month.
> 
> But what do you want to bet THAT would be unacceptable to her?
> 
> Having said that, she's hiding something. She wants to show you in person, as in selective documents? She doesn't want to have you log on and see EXACTLY what is going on.
> Does she go out of town alot? Go out without you? Do things like come home very late or the next day? If so, I'm betting you'll see some hotels on the statement.
> 
> But if not, disregard that last paragraph and start keeping your money separate.


I have a feeling you are correct on all accounts.


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## Blondilocks

Mista Brightside said:


> No, she makes more money than i do.


How do you know? She won't show you her bank statement.


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## 342693

I could be wrong, but as far as the house goes, I think she would only be entitled to half of the appreciation from the time you put her name on the title until now. I don't think she automaticaly gets half of the house value. Would depend on the state.


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## Mista Brightside

BigDaddyNY said:


> Is it a big difference in income? Just wondering if that is what set her off.


About 25k - we both do ok.


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## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> How do you know? She won't show you her bank statement.


GOOD POINT!!!


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## Mista Brightside

SCDad01 said:


> I could be wrong, but as far as the house goes, I think she would only be entitled to half of the appreciation from the time you put her name on the title until now. I don't think she automaticaly gets half. Depends on state.


I think you're right. Also i think it has to do with how long the marriage lasted. I'm in Georgia BTW.


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## Mista Brightside

Openminded said:


> You want an answer on topic? Former wife speaking here (one very long-term marriage). No, I don’t think it’s acceptable.


Thank you!!! I really want to hear from some wives out there.


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## bobert

If seeing her bank statements is a deal breaker for you, make sure she logs into her account with you. It's VERY easy to print off bank statements but change the account balance, add or delete transactions, etc. All one needs is a PDF editor. 

If she won't do that, then she's obviously hiding something. How much money she has or doesn't have, how she spends it, how much debt she has, etc.


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## BigDaddyNY

Mista Brightside said:


> Thank you!!! I really want to hear from some wives out there.


I'm not sure a gender specific response even matters. You can argue all day long about whether or not a married couple should have only joint accounts, which I think they should, but that isn't the issue here. She said and agreed to one thing and now she has backed out. Basically she lied. That is the issue.


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## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> If seeing her bank statements is a deal breaker for you, make sure she logs into her account with you. It's VERY easy to print off bank statements but change the account balance, add or delete transactions, etc. All one needs is a PDF editor.
> 
> If she won't do that, then she's obviously hiding something. How much money she has or doesn't have, how she spends it, how much debt she has, etc.


I agree 100%. She messaged me a photo that showed the balance. It was zoomed in so far as to show only that. Honesty, it could have been anyones account.


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## Trident

You've made a ton of mistakes, ignored a bunch of red flags, rushed into a legally binding lifetime commitment with a woman you hardly know, and are setting yourself up for a fall. It's time to start pulling back to the trenches.

I'd suggest saying to her something like "I understand and respect your decision to keep your finances separate and what you have in those accounts is your own business. I am going to do the same, I'd appreciate you signing these papers that reverts ownership of the house back to me, and understand that I will (or already have) pulled my funds out of the joint account."

Moving your funds before or after the talk is a bit dicey- it's risky if you wait but she might shut down on you if you do it without telling her.

The good news is that even with the change of ownership on the house you can probably keep whatever equity was in there before the marriage when you ultimately divorce.

And of course, divorce is inevitable. It's time to get smart and play this right.


----------



## Ursula

Mista Brightside said:


> I've been married for 4 months now. We decided on joint accounts and after we were married i immediately transfered all monies from my personal account into our joint account along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years. She never did the same with her account. I waited and waited hoping she would get it done. In the beginning it was because she was having issues with the banks and our new account. But when i asked her about it last week and what was taking so long she claimed that i "scare her when it comes to money" and she's keeping that account to protect us. I've given her no reason to believe i'm irresponsible with money. The account is in her name only, i have no access and she openly refused to show me a statement when i asked. This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house. She claims now that she will share statemens with me but claims she will only do that in person, which is tough being that she is living almost 2 hours away. I really need some advice here. How would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? I would like to hear from both husbands and wives. Thanks in advance!


Honestly, I would feel like my spouse was hiding something from me, and I would have a pretty big problem with that. If she has nothing to hide, she wouldn't try to hide it and then run to her mom's house. This would raise red flags for me, not just that she's hiding info, but that she's running away from an issue that you guys need to work through. My now XH and I had separate accounts when we were married, and he always dragged his feet when I brought up opening one together. Now, I'm thankful that we didn't; it was 1 less thing to take care of in the divorce. But, at the time, it was very frustrating to me.


----------



## seadoug105

Mista Brightside said:


> *She claims that she "absolutely adores" me, that she will never ever get another divorce* and the she will love and respect me forever no matter what. Her actions do not match her words. She constantly holds two opposing positions at the same time. She claims that her faults are because she "cares too much". Is this insanity or am i losing it.


she doesn’t have too…. It should be early enough for an annulment!


----------



## Livvie

SCDad01 said:


> I could be wrong, but as far as the house goes, I think she would only be entitled to half of the appreciation from the time you put her name on the title until now. I don't think she automaticaly gets half of the house value. Would depend on the state.


Not if he willingly _put her on the deed_. He literally gave her half of his house.


----------



## Mista Brightside

BigDaddyNY said:


> Is it a big difference in income? Just wondering if that is what set her off.


Maybe - but she's the one who brought nothing to the marriage but a car payment. I at least own a home that she benfits from now. That's the funny thing...she claims that i'm "scary with money" and yet i owned a house, boat and 2 paid off vehicles. She makes 25k more than me and only has a car payment to offer. She makes over 100k per year in Georgia and she has less than$1,500.00 in her savings to show for it??? It would seem it's her that has issues managing money.


----------



## Trident

*Clarify what you said in your first post.

Is her name only on the mortgage and not the deed?

If that's the case you're all good as far as the house is concerned. She's liable for the debt but doesn't have a stake in the property.

Now if her name is on the deed- she'll have a claim to any appreciated value during the marriage. She might anyway because of the marriage, in fact putting her name on the deed may be completely irrelevant depending on the laws of your state and the mood the judge is in if this goes to trial which it probably won't, most settle.


----------



## Diana7

Mista Brightside said:


> Yes, she's been married 3 times prior. Great advice. Thank you so much!


Yikes! Three times by her 50's? Didn't you see that as a massive red flag?

If she earns that much where has it all gone? Could she have a big savings account hidden away? Does she buy lots of things?

I would always have a joint account in marriage, but I would never be someone's 4th spouse.


----------



## Mista Brightside

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm not sure a gender specific response even matters. You can argue all day long about whether or not a married couple should have only joint accounts, which I think they should, but that isn't the issue here. She said and agreed to one thing and now she has backed out. Basically she lied. That is the issue.


I'm not disputing that but i want to hear from both sides. Wouldn't you?


----------



## Trident

Livvie said:


> Not if he willingly _put her on the deed_. He literally gave her half of his house.


No, that's not true. You're right about differentiating between her name on the mortgage and/or the deed.

But as I posted above, it really doesn't make all that much difference if she's on the deed or not, any equity he had in the home prior to marriage should be considered his separate non-marital property- although he's introduced a bit of "grey" into the equation.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Livvie said:


> Not if he willingly _put her on the deed_. He literally gave her half of his house.


That's actually not true - every state has different laws regarding this. But if you're an attorney i sure would like to hear some advice.


----------



## 342693

Mista Brightside said:


> I think you're right. Also i think it has to do with how long the marriage lasted. I'm in Georgia BTW.


SC here, so laws are probably similar. Unfortunately, putting her name on the house turned what was separate property into martial property. But a short marriage will help...along with a good lawyer. 

I highly doubt she will agree to take her name off the title unless she's an idiot. But it's worth a shot. I would tell her you are willing to pay all the house bills if she wants to stay at her Mom's and/or divorce...AND you will let her take her name off the title so she's not financially liable  Might work.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> *Clarify what you said in your first post.
> 
> Is her name only on the mortgage and not the deed?
> 
> If that's the case you're all good as far as the house is concerned. She's liable for the debt but doesn't have a stake in the property.
> 
> Now if her name is on the deed- she'll have a claim to any appreciated value during the marriage. She might anyway because of the marriage, in fact putting her name on the deed may be completely irrelevant depending on the laws of your state and the mood the judge is in if this goes to trial which it probably won't, most settle.


Intersting. Well, the house isn't paid off yet so i'm not sure. I don't remember doing anything with the deed. We refinanced with her name on the mortgage.


----------



## Mista Brightside

SCDad01 said:


> SC here, so laws are probably similar. Unfortunately, putting her name on the house turned what was separate property into martial property. But a short marriage will help...along with a good lawyer.
> 
> I highly doubt she will agree to take her name off the title unless she's an idiot. But it's worth a shot. I would tell her you are willing to pay all the house bills if she wants to stay at her Mom's and/or divorce...AND you will let her take her name off the title so she's not financially liable  Might work.


Thanks for the advice.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Mista Brightside said:


> I'm not disputing that but i want to hear from both sides. Wouldn't you?


I think it is irrelevant. I don't think you can't split this into two gender related "teams". There is nothing inherent about being a wife vs a husband that would make it okay to back up of a financial agreement made between the two of you. Is a promise made by a wife different than a promise made by a husband? That is my point. 

I think you are stuck in a holding pattern until she shows you what is going on in the account she doesn't want to share with you. And make sure you really get the whole picture of what is going on, not just a small selective portion of a statement. It is interesting that she only want to talk about it in person.


----------



## Diana7

Mista Brightside said:


> The first she says became violent. Not sure about the second and the third she claims that the other party changed.


It seems you know very little about her.


----------



## 342693

Diana7 said:


> Yikes! Three times by her 50's?


She's no quitter


----------



## Openminded

Mista Brightside said:


> Thank you!!! I really want to hear from some wives out there.


I was married for over 45 years. From the beginning all of our accounts were joint and everything was transparent — to my knowledge. (I have to add, however, that he was a serial cheater and it’s possible there were many things over the decades I didn’t know).


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> Yikes! Three times by her 50's? Didn't you see that as a massive red flag?
> 
> If she earns that much where has it all gone? Could she have a big savings account hidden away? Does she buy lots of things?
> 
> I would always have a joint account in marriage, but I would never be someone's 4th spouse.


No, i didn't. I have no idea, that's the problem. To each their own i guess.


----------



## 342693

Mista Brightside said:


> Intersting. Well, the house isn't paid off yet so i'm not sure. I don't remember doing anything with the deed. We refinanced with her name on the mortgage.


Usually they only issue a deed at closing, so her name is most likely only on the loan. But maybe there's a realtor on the thread that can verify.


----------



## Openminded

Mista Brightside said:


> She claims that she "absolutely adores" me, that she will never ever get another divorce and the she will love and respect me forever no matter what. Her actions do not match her words. She constantly holds two opposing positions at the same time. She claims that her faults are because she "cares too much". Is this insanity or am i losing it.


She’s playing you.


----------



## Mista Brightside

No offense everyone, and i truly appreciate all the advice i can get, but pointing fingers at me for trusting my wife isn't productive nor is it what i'm looking for. I know i messed up, i don't need you to rub my face in it. It's unproductive and self-serving. I'm simply trying to get an opinion on how others would feel in the same position and how they would handle it. Thank you all again.


----------



## Benbutton

Mista Brightside said:


> along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years.


Big mistake. Get this changed ASAP if you can.


----------



## Diana7

Mista Brightside said:


> Nope, the past is the past and i don't believe in digging it up. I fell in love.


You can't possibly know a person who has been married three times when you don't even know why they ended. Sadly I think you may soon find out. The percentage of 4th marriages that succeed is practically nil.


----------



## 342693

Mista Brightside said:


> No offense everyone, and i truly appreciate all the advice i can get, but pointing fingers at me for trusting my wife isn't productive nor is it what i'm looking for. I know i messed up, i don't need you to rub my face in it. It's unproductive and self-serving. I'm simply trying to get an opinion on how others would feel in the same position and how they would handle it. Thank you all again.


Man, we've all made mistakes...that's why most of us are here. So don't take any of the comments personally. Most, if not all, really want to help. 

So based on what you've read so far, what are you considering doing?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Openminded said:


> I was married for over 45 years. From the beginning all of our accounts were joint and everything was transparent — to my knowledge. (I have to add, however, that he was a serial cheater and it’s possible there were many things over the decades I didn’t know).


SO sorry to hear that. It's a tough thing to get over on many levels. My first wife cheated on me, we weren't even together a year...high school sweethearts too. Thanks for chiming in!


----------



## Mista Brightside

SCDad01 said:


> Usually they only issue a deed at closing, so her name is most likely only on the loan. But maybe there's a realtor on the thread that can verify.


I believe your right. I can find out pretty easily.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Openminded said:


> She’s playing you.


I think you're right.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> You can't possibly know a person who has been married three times when you don't even know why they ended. Sadly I think you may soon find out. The percentage of 4th marriages that succeed is practically nil.


She told me why the all ended i just didn't remember how the second one eneded. Please read the pots before pointing fingers.


----------



## Trident

Benbutton said:


> Big mistake_.[putting her name on the mortgage]_ Get this changed ASAP if you can.


WRONG

So much poor advice on this thread I lost track.


----------



## Benbutton

Mista Brightside said:


> Maybe - but she's the one who brought nothing to the marriage but a car payment. I at least own a home that she benfits from now. That's the funny thing...she claims that i'm "scary with money" and yet i owned a house, boat and 2 paid off vehicles. She makes 25k more than me and only has a car payment to offer. She makes over 100k per year in Georgia and she has less than$1,500.00 in her savings to show for it??? It would seem it's her that has issues managing money.


I really hope you didn't get scammed.


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## Trident

*Op clarified that his wife's name is on the MORTGAGE not the DEED when the home was recently re-financed*.

Unclear why she would do that if she has sinister motives but at any rate she is the one assuming all the risk with no benefit to her. She has no claim to the home other than what she gets from the marriage laws in her state.


----------



## Diana7

Mista Brightside said:


> She told me why the all ended i just didn't remember how the second one eneded. Please read the pots before pointing fingers.


I have read the posts. Her answers about her divorces were all vague.
Plus you have no idea what she has done or does with all her money. She refuses to be open and honest about her bank accounts. She is reluctant to have a joint account. She is a woman in her 5O's who runs home to mummy and daddy whenever there is a disagreement. I mean come on now. It's pretty easy to see why she is a serial divorcee.


----------



## Mista Brightside

SCDad01 said:


> Man, we've all made mistakes...that's why most of us are here. So don't take any of the comments personally. Most, if not all, really want to help.
> 
> So based on what you've read so far, what are you considering doing?


Most of the comments have been extremely helpful. A few seem to be unable to help themsleves, i guess they have it all figured out an their marriages are perfect...but why are they here then?
We both agreed to go to seperate as well as group counseling and it's already been set up for next week. I told her to keep the account and that my paychecks will be deposited into my own personal account from now on and she will have no access to it. I will then transfer to joint to pay bills. I also informed her that i'm going to be taking her off the mortgage and anything, if anything, that she has my name on should be removed in kind. I fear this is the beginning of the end. No marriage should be like this. It's just sad.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> *Op clarified that his wife's name is on the MORTGAGE not the DEED when the home was recently re-financed*.
> 
> Unclear why she would do that if she has sinister motives but at any rate she is the one assuming all the risk with no benefit to her. She has no claim to the home other than what she gets from the marriage laws in her state.


How so? I don't understand.


----------



## Trident

At least you're apparently going to be able to extricate yourself as quickly as you buried yourself.

Going forward don't be so impulsive. You really don't know a person that well after a year and her last 3 husband's probably weren't as terrible as you were probably led to believe.

Always look at the common denominator.


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> How so? I don't understand.


Putting her on the mortgage is like having a cosigner on a car loan or apartment lease. It goesn't give them any right to ownership of the car or living in the apartment, it just means they're legally obligated to any unpaid debt.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> I have read the posts. Her answers about her divorces were all vague.
> Plus you have no idea what she has done or does with all her money. She refuses to be open and honest about her bank accounts. She is reluctant to have a joint account. She is a woman in her 5O's who runs home to mummy and daddy whenever there is a disagreement. I mean come on now. It's pretty easy to see why she is a serial divorcee.


That's because i didn't go into detail because it was irrelevant and nobody's business. The rest of what you said i can agree with. Also, it should be noted that the first night i did say: "Feel free to spend the night at your mom's" because i was just so disguted and dissapointed i didn't even want to look at her. The choice to stay at her mom's is on her.


----------



## Livvie

Trident said:


> No, that's not true. You're right about differentiating between her name on the mortgage and/or the deed.
> 
> But as I posted above, it really doesn't make all that much difference if she's on the deed or not, any equity he had in the home prior to marriage should be considered his separate non-marital property- although he's introduced a bit of "grey" into the equation.


Not true. Putting someone on the deed is giving them the property (in this case jointly with him).

Example, if I put my friend on my deed, I'm giving them ownership of my home. That's how DEEDS work.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> At least you're apparently going to be able to extricate yourself as quickly as you buried yourself.
> 
> Going forward don't be so impulsive. You really don't know a person that well after a year and her last 3 husband's probably weren't as terrible as you were probably led to believe.
> 
> Always look at the common denominator.


I agree but i waited twenty years. before i committed into another relationship and dated plenty in between. Impulsive is not my thing


----------



## Openminded

Mista Brightside said:


> I think you're right.


I’m sorry. It’s a tough thing to accept. BTDT — unfortunately.


----------



## Trident

Livvie said:


> Not true. Putting someone on the deed is giving them the property (in this case jointly with him).
> 
> Example, if I put my friend on my deed, I'm giving them ownership of my home. That's how DEEDS work.


You need to read more carefully especially what I wrote in huge BOLD print. I am not explaining this again.


----------



## Diana7

Mista Brightside said:


> Most of the comments have been extremely helpful. A few seem to be unable to help themsleves, i guess they have it all figured out an their marriages are perfect...but why are they here then?
> We both agreed to go to seperate as well as group counseling and it's already been set up for next week. I told her to keep the account and that my paychecks will be deposited into my own personal account from now on and she will have no access to it. I will then transfer to joint to pay bills. I also informed her that i'm going to be taking her off the mortgage and anything, if anything, that she has my name on should be removed in kind. I fear this is the beginning of the end. No marriage should be like this. It's just sad.


How will separate counselling help?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> Putting her on the mortgage is like having a cosigner on a car loan or apartment lease. It goesn't give them any right to ownership of the car or living in the apartment, it just means they're legally obligated to any unpaid debt.


Ahhh...i see. That's one way to look at it - the other is she just took joint ownership of a home that's almost paid for without her contributing a dime. This is my home and i don't plan on letting it default. I believe she got the better end of the deal.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> You need to read more carefully especially what I wrote in huge BOLD print. I am not explaining this again.


Alright people let's take it easy and not lose site of the purpose of this post. Please.


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> Ahhh...i see. That's one way to look at it - the other is she just took joint ownership of a home that's almost paid for without her contributing a dime.


You can look at it that other way but you'd be wrong.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> How will separate counselling help?


We both agreed that we have personal issues that we need to work out. I have a bad temper and sometimes let my anger get the best of me, then i say stupid **** and regret it after while feeling like a POS!


----------



## Trident

She might very well be thinking "I married this guy without realizing he's controlling, and has anger management issues. I went in completely blind and trusting, I even assumed responsibility for the mortgage debt on a house I don't even own. I could be in real trouble here, I better circle my wagons".

I'm starting to see the other side of the story.


----------



## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> We both agreed that we have personal issues that we need to work out. I have a bad temper and sometimes let my anger get the best of me, then i say stupid **** and regret it after while feeling like a POS!


If she was abused in her first marriage, that type of behavior could be pretty triggering for her or make her feel unsafe. Feeling unsafe could hypothetically be part of her unwillingness here.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> You can look at it that other way but you'd be wrong.


I disagree. And disagreeing with you doesn't make me wrong by default. Are you a professional in this field? And if so are you based out if Georgia? I have been paying off the house for more than twenty years - do you really think i'm going to default in the last 4? Being that she just got here she has committed nothing financially to the home. She just took half ownership of a home that's 95% paid off while contributing absolutely nothing and taking no risks. Have you seen the housing market here in Georgia? I could sell this house quite literally in days and get 20-30k over the asking price. There is no defaulting at this point. I have equity up the ying yang. Again, we're getting off topic. Do you have an opinions or advice regarding subject matter of the post?


----------



## Trident

bobert said:


> If she was abused in her first marriage, that type of behavior could be pretty triggering for her or make her feel unsafe. Feeling unsafe could hypothetically be part of her unwillingness here.


We both posted almost exactly the same thing at the same time.

I'm starting to worry for her.


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> I disagree. I have been paying off thehouse for more than twenty years - do you really think i'm going to default in the last 4? Being that she just got here she has committed nothing financially to the home.


You don't seem to be grasping the point. It doesn't MATTER how much equity you have in the home as far as her name being on the MORTGAGE. She will probably only get the appreciated value since the date of the marriage REGARDLESS of how much you've put into the home and for how long.

P.S. You can't tell people how to respond to your threads. We're independent thinking people with minds of our own, whose opinions and what we think is important and relevant might differ from what you believe. I'm starting to see a pattern with you.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> She might very well be thinking "I married this guy without realizing he's controlling, and has anger management issues. I went in completely blind and trusting, I even assumed responsibility for the mortgage debt on a house I don't even own. I could be in real trouble here, I better circle my wagons".
> 
> I'm starting to see the other side of the story.


We lived together for over a year - she was 100% aware of my bad temper. There were no secrets here. And where in the world did you get that i'm "Controlling". Point of fact she's the control freak in this relationship and she openly admits it. Nobody forced her to go on themortgage - i gave her the option and she took it with full financial knowlegde and disclosure, unlike her. I honestly don't believe you ever considered any side but hers. How about we stay on subject and share with me: What you would do? How would you react? How would it make you feel if your husband was keeping secrets from you?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> We both posted almost exactly the same thing at the same time.
> 
> I'm starting to worry for her.


Youre worried for her why? She's the one keeping secrets. You seem awfully biased against men.


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> We lived together for over a year - she was 100% aware of my bad temper. There were no secrets here. And where in the world did you get that i'm "Controlling". Point of fact she's the control freak in this relationship and she openly admits it. Nobody forced her to go on themortgage - i gave her the option and she took it with full financial knowlegde and disclosure, unlike her. I honestly don't believe you ever considered any side but hers. How about we stay on subject and share with me: What you would do? How would you react? How would it make you feel if your husband was keeping secrets from you?


The way you are telling other people what to post and what not to post strikes me as controlling.

Your admission to having a bad temper and now validating it by saying "well she KNEW about it". As if somehow that makes it ok.

Saying you didn't force her to sign onto the mortage. So what? She did it, and that shows she was willing to commit and trust you enough to accept that level of financial liability with no benefit to her.

The way you tell me I only considered her side not yours. If people don't agree with you it's like you turn on them like a caged animal.

You see her defensive actions as an attack on you, asking "well how would you feel if she did this to you?", while accepting no responsibility for your actions and the results.

Finally there you go again- you have this whole rant and say I'm biased against all men because I don't agree with you, then you say "I don't want to discuss this anymore".

I almost cringe when I think of your poor wife trying to resolve conflict with you.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> You don't seem to be grasping the point. It doesn't MATTER how much equity you have in the home as far as her name being on the MORTGAGE. She will probably only get the appreciated value since the date of the marriage REGARDLESS of how much you've put into the home and for how long.
> 
> P.S. You can't tell people how to respond to your threads. We're independent thinking people with minds of our own, whose opinions and what we think is important and relevant might differ from what you believe. I'm starting to see a pattern with you.


Do you know this for a fcat or are you just guessing. Are you a professional in this field?
You're right - i can't control how people respond but i can try and keep them on point and ignore them if they don't. Getying off subject into these unnesssary tangents is unproductive and accomplishes nothing. So if you can't stay on point and be an assett on this thread then pleas leave. You are not helping anythinmg nor have you adressed the questions asked. WHat would you do? How would you fell? How would you react? Because that's the advice i was looking for. It is my post after all.


----------



## bobert

Personally, I think it's fine to want your thread to stay on topic and not have posters arguing back and forth. However, it would be wise to consider what role you may be playing in this. It's possible your temper has nothing to do with it, but don't completely ignore that possibility. Hopefully the marriage counselor will help with figuring that out.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> The way you are telling other people what to post and what not to post strikes me as controlling.
> 
> Your admission to having a bad temper and now validating it by saying "well she KNEW about it". As if somehow that makes it ok.
> 
> Saying you didn't force her to sign onto the mortage. So what? She did it, and that shows she was willing to commit and trust you enough to accept that level of financial liability with no benefit to her.
> 
> The way you tell me I only considered her side not yours. If people don't agree with you it's like you turn on them like a caged animal.
> 
> You see her defensive actions as an attack on you, asking "well how would you feel if she did this to you?", while accepting no responsibility for your actions and the results.
> 
> Finally there you go again- you have this whole rant and say I'm biased against all men because I don't agree with you, then you say "I don't want to discuss this anymore".
> 
> I almost cringe when I think of your poor wife trying to resolve conflict with you.
> [/QUOT





Trident said:


> The way you are telling other people what to post and what not to post strikes me as controlling.
> 
> Your admission to having a bad temper and now validating it by saying "well she KNEW about it". As if somehow that makes it ok.
> 
> Saying you didn't force her to sign onto the mortage. So what? She did it, and that shows she was willing to commit and trust you enough to accept that level of financial liability with no benefit to her.
> 
> The way you tell me I only considered her side not yours. If people don't agree with you it's like you turn on them like a caged animal.
> 
> You see her defensive actions as an attack on you, asking "well how would you feel if she did this to you?", while accepting no responsibility for your actions and the results.
> 
> Finally there you go again- you have this whole rant and say I'm biased against all men because I don't agree with you, then you say "I don't want to discuss this anymore".
> 
> I almost cringe when I think of your poor wife trying to resolve conflict with you.


I'm trying to keep people on point so as not to make this thread a convoluted mess - which it is quickly becoming. I came her tyo ask for spoecific advice regarding a situation in my life. some of the reponses have nothing to do with the subject at hand, they are self serving and accomplsh nothing her. If you want to assume that because i made such a request that makes me "controlling"...finr, that's your opinion and your welcome to it. But don't assume something about me that isn't true and then present it as if it's factually proven. Please tell me how i'm responsible for my wife having a secret bank account. The rest of your comments are just mean spirited.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Mista Brightside said:


> No, she makes more money than i do.


 sorry you need to read my post again because I DID NOT AND WOULD NEVER ASK WHAT SOMEONE IS BEEN PAID. 
i said if you want have your account her account i asked if you had a marriage contract and if not you can still make one now unless she is a gold digger , if i were you and if you love her i would keep everything separate and split expenses any way you like 


Mista Brightside said:


> Most of the comments have been extremely helpful. A few seem to be unable to help themsleves, i guess they have it all figured out an their marriages are perfect...but why are they here then?
> We both agreed to go to seperate as well as group counseling and it's already been set up for next week. I told her to keep the account and that my paychecks will be deposited into my own personal account from now on and she will have no access to it. I will then transfer to joint to pay bills. I also informed her that i'm going to be taking her off the mortgage and anything, if anything, that she has my name on should be removed in kind. I fear this is the beginning of the end. No marriage should be like this. It's just sad.


you have the wrong idea of what this forum is about we are not a divorce forum are a forum of failed marriages , many are happy in their marriage we have open minds to many different things and we know one brick does not fit all


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> The way you are telling other people what to post and what not to post strikes me as controlling.
> 
> Your admission to having a bad temper and now validating it by saying "well she KNEW about it". As if somehow that makes it ok.
> 
> Saying you didn't force her to sign onto the mortage. So what? She did it, and that shows she was willing to commit and trust you enough to accept that level of financial liability with no benefit to her.
> 
> The way you tell me I only considered her side not yours. If people don't agree with you it's like you turn on them like a caged animal.
> 
> You see her defensive actions as an attack on you, asking "well how would you feel if she did this to you?", while accepting no responsibility for your actions and the results.
> 
> Finally there you go again- you have this whole rant and say I'm biased against all men because I don't agree with you, then you say "I don't want to discuss this anymore".
> 
> I almost cringe when I think of your poor wife trying to resolve conflict with you.


She knew about my temper and accepted it as one of my faults but not a deal breaker, just like i have accepted some of her faults that i find weren't deal breakers. You seem to be laser focused on my temper as the source for all the problems we have....you know nothing and are SO wrong! You obviously have issues and i'm so sorry for that. I only hope that yopu can find happiness with someone sometime. But if you're looking for perfection then your gonna be alone a long time. Everyone has faults, just like you. It doesn't make us bad people. It makes us human beings. I would appreciate no further commenst from you. Thank you.


----------



## Blondilocks

When you put your wife on the mortgage did you also put her on the deed? If she is not on the deed, she is merely a co-signer of the mortgage and is not an owner.


----------



## Mista Brightside

frenchpaddy said:


> sorry you need to read my post again because I DID NOT AND WOULD NEVER ASK WHAT SOMEONE IS BEEN PAID.
> i said if you want have your account her account i asked if you had a marriage contract and if not you can still make one now unless she is a gold digger , if i were you and if you love her i would keep everything separate and split expenses any way you like
> 
> you have the wrong idea of what this forum is about we are not a divorce forum are a forum of failed marriages , many are happy in their marriage we have open minds to many different things and we know one brick does not fit all


I never said you asked for how much someone is being paid. I volunteered that info. Somone did ask if she makes more money than me and how much. Not sure if that was you or not. I'm responding to many posts and trying to hold many different conversations at the same time. My apologies if i confused you with someone else.
The idea i have about this site is that people discuss marriages. Whether those marriages are bad or not is not a requiremnet to post. Are you a forum moderator? Because i read the rules and this forum applies to all marriage discussions - good or bad. So i'm not sure where your getting that from. Also, look at the list of subjects in the forum, there are tons of people seeking advice regarding marital problems. If i'm wrong please show me in the guidlines and i'll remove the post immediately. Thank you and sorry if i'm on the wrong site.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> When you put your wife on the mortgage did you also put her on the deed? If she is not on the deed, she is merely a co-signer of the mortgage and is not an owner.


I'm almost positive the answer is no - she is not on the deed.


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> sorry if i'm on the wrong site.


You're not on the wrong site, however the way you are responding to people trying to help you is completely inappropriate, ungrateful, presumptive and frankly rather hostile.


----------



## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> Personally, I think it's fine to want your thread to stay on topic and not have posters arguing back and forth. However, it would be wise to consider what role you may be playing in this. It's possible your temper has nothing to do with it, but don't completely ignore that possibility. Hopefully the marriage counselor will help with figuring that out.


Thank you! I've seen how threads can just deteriorate into a chaotic mess and i was trying to prevent that here.
Trust me i'm not - that's why i'm seeking personal counseling. I know i have an issue and want to correct it. I want to be better for me and my wife. Others here believe that makes me guilty by default and that's just not fair. I feel like i should never have mentioned it but i'm just trying to be transparent to get the best advice possible. I hope it works out - i don't want this!


----------



## frenchpaddy

Mista Brightside said:


> I never said you asked for how much someone is being paid. I volunteered that info. Somone did ask if she makes more money than me and how much. Not sure if that was you or not. I'm responding to many posts and trying to hold many different conversations at the same time. My apologies if i confused you with someone else.
> The idea i have about this site is that people discuss marriages. Whether those marriages are bad or not is not a requiremnet to post. Are you a forum moderator? Because i read the rules and this forum applies to all marriage discussions - good or bad. So i'm not sure where your getting that from. Also, look at the list of subjects in the forum, there are tons of people seeking advice regarding marital problems. If i'm wrong please show me in the guidlines and i'll remove the post immediately. Thank you and sorry if i'm on the wrong site.


 you need to slow down the people here are a good bunch , but i am not the one confused here and I know what I said twice it is you that is trying to twist my words , and i can see people will not take that  sorry to have to point it out , just slow down relax , if i quote you please read what i quote and don't take things out of what i say on half the info , please


----------



## Benbutton

Trident said:


> WRONG
> 
> So much poor advice on this thread I lost track.


Well ok John McLaughlin, I stand corrected!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

What advice are you seeking? Most people have already answered her actions were wrong and she reneged on her agreement. So the question now is, what are YOU going to do about it?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> WRONG
> 
> So much poor advice on this thread I lost track.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Mista Brightside said:


> I'm almost positive the answer is no - she is not on the deed.


 if she has her name on the deeds of the house it is an easy fix if you both want to fix it ,


----------



## drencrom

SCDad01 said:


> I could be wrong, but as far as the house goes, I think she would only be entitled to half of the appreciation from the time you put her name on the title until now. I don't think she automaticaly gets half of the house value. Would depend on the state.


I think like you said, depends on the state.

In Illinois it doesn't matter. Once someone's name is on the house, half the equity is theirs. It doesn't matter how long they were married, etc. Once the name is on they have full vesting in the house as an equal partner.

So something to consider, @Mista Brightside, whoever stays in the house has to buy out the other. So if you were to agree to leave, she'd owe you half the equity in the house. If she doesn't have it, it is negotiated out of other things, like retirement accounts.

Also, if she keeps the house, you sign a quit claim deed in exchange for her refinancing during a reasonable time so your name is off the house so you can move on.


----------



## drencrom

Benbutton said:


> Big mistake. Get this changed ASAP if you can.


Unfortunately the only way to get her name off is to sell the house, or work out an agreement with her to pay her half the equity and refinance in his name only.


----------



## drencrom

Mista Brightside said:


> I'm almost positive the answer is no - she is not on the deed.


Doesn't matter about the deed. If her name is on the mortgage, she is entitled to half the equity in the house, unless like someone else mentioned, state laws vary, but I don't know which state doesn't automatically grant half equity once name is on the mortgage.

However, the way it is supposed to work is when you and your spouse refinance to put her name on the mortgage, the lender also has both of you sign a new Deed of Trust.

Did that happen?


----------



## EleGirl

Mista Brightside said:


> I alreadyy talked to the mortgage company and are awaiting the paperwork. Whether she signs them or not is a different story.


Even if she does not sign them, you might still have recourse. If this goes to a divorce, a good lawyer would still argue that your hold significant separate asset in the equity in the house. So she should only get 50% of the increased equity since your marriage. Having good financial records helps this argument. I've seen it work in divorces.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> You're not on the wrong site, however the way you are responding to people trying to help you is completely inappropriate, ungrateful, presumptive and frankly rather hostile.


I'm reponding accordingly. Please give me an example where someone adressed the subject matter and i was "inappropriate, ungrateful, presumptive and frankly rather hostile." I'm not being a jerk here - i just don't believe you are correct. The only people i've "jumpedon" are the ones who dererved it. I have been extremely kind and appreciative to all of the productive comments and you can see that in my reponses. So please show me where that didn't happen. Thanks. (sorry about my abysmal typing)


----------



## Mista Brightside

frenchpaddy said:


> you need to slow down the people here are a good bunch , but i am not the one confused here and I know what I said twice it is you that is trying to twist my words , and i can see people will not take that sorry to have to point it out , just slow down relax , if i quote you please read what i quote and don't take things out of what i say on half the info , please


Man i should have never brought up my temper. I am perfectly fine...no worries here. I was quite simply responding to what you wrote. I did read everything you typed and i'm pretty sure i addressed all of your concerns in turn.


----------



## drencrom

Mista Brightside said:


> I'm almost positive the answer is no - she is not on the deed.


You sure about that? When refinancing, the lender creates a new Deed of Claim.


----------



## Trident

drencrom said:


> I think like you said, depends on the state. In Illinois it doesn't matter. Once someone's name is on the house, half the equity is theirs.


A quick search finds an Illinious Divorce attorney site that says you're wrong.

_There are several factors that determine whether your home is a marital asset, and the name on the deed or mortgage is not usually among these factors. It is not uncommon for a couple to list just one spouse on a mortgage--often for credit reasons--but the name that is listed has virtually no effect on classifying the home as marital or separate property. _






Understanding Ownership of a Marital Home in Illinois Divorce Cases


Ownership of real estate property can be a difficult issue to resolve during divorce. Contact our Will County asset division attorney at 312-702-1293.




theforayfirm.com


----------



## Blondilocks

frenchpaddy said:


> if she has her name on the deeds of the house it is an easy fix if you both want to fix it ,


.


----------



## Mista Brightside

RebuildingMe said:


> What advice are you seeking? Most people have already answered her actions were wrong and she reneged on her agreement. So the question now is, what are YOU going to do about it?


I've already answered that question as far as what i'm going to do about it. I appreciate ALL of the productive comments on here but some have decided to attack me because i admitted one of my faults. That's kinda screwed up. I was just trying to keep people on point so as not to blow ths post up with a lot of things that do not adress the subject at hand. They're just looking to place blame and have decided that having a bad temper makes me guilty by dafault, never mind that my wife has a secret bank account. One person actually said it was my fault that my wife has a secret bank account. Sorry but this is just presumptuousness and self-serving. I hope you can understand where i'm coming from.


----------



## Mista Brightside

frenchpaddy said:


> if she has her name on the deeds of the house it is an easy fix if you both want to fix it ,


Agreed...if she signs the papers.


----------



## Mista Brightside

drencrom said:


> I think like you said, depends on the state.
> 
> In Illinois it doesn't matter. Once someone's name is on the house, half the equity is theirs. It doesn't matter how long they were married, etc. Once the name is on they have full vesting in the house as an equal partner.
> 
> So something to consider, @Mista Brightside, whoever stays in the house has to buy out the other. So if you were to agree to leave, she'd owe you half the equity in the house. If she doesn't have it, it is negotiated out of other things, like retirement accounts.
> 
> Also, if she keeps the house, you sign a quit claim deed in exchange for her refinancing during a reasonable time so your name is off the house so you can move on.


I hear you but i'm not giving up my home...4 years and it's paid off.


----------



## bobert

Mista Brightside said:


> Agreed...if she signs the papers.


You may want to talk to a lawyer about that, to make sure it's done properly. You don't want her to come back later and argue that she signed it under duress.


----------



## Mista Brightside

drencrom said:


> Doesn't matter about the deed. If her name is on the mortgage, she is entitled to half the equity in the house, unless like someone else mentioned, state laws vary, but I don't know which state doesn't automatically grant half equity once name is on the mortgage.
> 
> However, the way it is supposed to work is when you and your spouse refinance to put her name on the mortgage, the lender also has both of you sign a new Deed of Trust.
> 
> Did that happen?


Let's hope i can get her name off it!


----------



## Mista Brightside

I'm trying to pay attention to all the wonderful advice and knowledge being shared here, not the other stuff. So many wonderful people here taking time out of there day to offer up advice and even some legal counsel


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> some have decided to attack me because i admitted one of my faults.


You feel "attacked" and are getting very defensive, when you're receiving basic constructive criticism. You have arbitrarily decided why others have criticized- not "attacked" you- and your reasons are nothing more than your opinion, which is skewed and basically wrong.

You're being criticized because your words and actions merit such.


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> Even if she does not sign them, you might still have recourse. If this goes to a divorce, a good lawyer would still argue that your hold significant separate asset in the equity in the house. So she should only get 50% of the increased equity since your marriage. Having good financial records helps this argument. I've seen it work in divorces.


Thank you so much.


----------



## EleGirl

seadoug105 said:


> she doesn’t have too…. It should be early enough for an annulment!


Nope, annulments are only given when there is fraud, such as bigamy or a person lying about their identity.


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> I'm trying to pay attention to all the wonderful advice and knowledge being shared here


Maybe pay less attention to the legal advice.

Much of it, as it pertains to the relevance of your wife's name on the deed and how it affects home ownership is wrong.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> A quick search finds an Illinious Divorce attorney site that says you're wrong.
> 
> _There are several factors that determine whether your home is a marital asset, and the name on the deed or mortgage is not usually among these factors. It is not uncommon for a couple to list just one spouse on a mortgage--often for credit reasons--but the name that is listed has virtually no effect on classifying the home as marital or separate property. _
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Understanding Ownership of a Marital Home in Illinois Divorce Cases
> 
> 
> Ownership of real estate property can be a difficult issue to resolve during divorce. Contact our Will County asset division attorney at 312-702-1293.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> theforayfirm.com


Thank you! I truly appreciate it.


----------



## EleGirl

Livvie said:


> Not if he willingly _put her on the deed_. He literally gave her half of his house.


Yes and no. I've seen a few divorces in which a person had good records and therefore could track their sole equity in the home at the time of putting their spouse on the deed. In these cases the spouse only got 50% of the equity from the date they were put on the mortgage and deed. The outcome of this probably depends on the state. He would be smart to discuss this with some attorneys and see what they say.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> You feel "attacked" and are getting very defensive, when you're receiving basic constructive criticism. You have decided WHY others have criticized- not "attacked" you and your reasons are nothing more than you're opinion, which is skewed and basically wrong.
> 
> You're being criticized because your words and actions merit such.





drencrom said:


> You sure about that? When refinancing, the lender creates a new Deed of Claim.


Not 100% sure no


----------



## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> You may want to talk to a lawyer about that, to make sure it's done properly. You don't want her to come back later and argue that she signed it under duress.


Agreed and thank you.


----------



## Openminded

I lived in Georgia several times over the decades that I was married and, with my husband, bought a number of houses. When I had a career, I was on the mortgage and the deed just as he was. With the last house, I was only on the deed as I had stopped working by then. We sold the last house after the divorce and I had to go to the closing and sign papers just as he did.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> You feel "attacked" and are getting very defensive, when you're receiving basic constructive criticism. You have arbitrarily decided why others have criticized- not "attacked" you- and your reasons are nothing more than your opinion, which is skewed and basically wrong.
> 
> You're being criticized because your words and actions merit such.


I disagree. I think you should weed through the posts and you'll see what i'm talking about. People got way off subject. There were those here who decided that me having a bad temper makes me guilty by default and therefore my wife has every right to keep secrets from me. Two people stated they are worried for and feel sorry for my wife. All because i made the mistake of admitting i have a bad temper.I was trying to be honest. That isn't fair. I can copy and paste bothe the nasty posts and the positive posts for a comparison if you like. Not trying to do anything here but get some good adb=vice for a horrible situation that i'm currently in.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> Maybe pay less attention to the legal advice.
> 
> Much of it, as it pertains to the relevance of your wife's name on the deed and how it affects home ownership is wrong.


I understand but at least people are trying and making an effort and i truly appreciate it.


----------



## Blondilocks

You said expenses are split 50/50. Since she is not using the joint account, how is she paying her 50%? Is she writing you a check after you give her an amount she owes? Can she prove she has contributed to the mortgage?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Openminded said:


> I lived in Georgia several times over the decades that I was married and, with my husband, bought a number of houses. When I had a career, I was on the mortgage and the deed just as he was. With the last house, I was only on the deed as I had stopped working by then. We sold the last house after the divorce and I had to go to the closing and sign papers just as he did.


Thank you so much. Not in Georgia anymore? WHere did you move to?


----------



## re16

There must be some sort of recurring thing she is paying that she doesn't want you to know about. Could be a lawsuit settlement, child support, maybe hotels and the like.... whatever it is, she is being intentionally deceitful, which should be a massive red flag at this stage in your relationship.

I would say she either comes clean on what she is hiding, and you log in together and look at it, or she will be served. I think we all know what is going to happen here.

Sorry this happened to you.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> You said expenses are split 50/50. Since she is not using the joint account, how is she paying her 50%? Is she writing you a check after you give her an amount she owes? Can she prove she has contributed to the mortgage?


She's transferring money from her secret account to the joint account only when bills need to be paid. It's all on the joint account bank statements so i'm good there.


----------



## Mista Brightside

re16 said:


> There must be some sort of recurring thing she is paying that she doesn't want you to know about. Could be a lawsuit settlement, child support, maybe hotels and the like.... whatever it is, she is being intentionally deceitful, which should be a massive red flag at this stage in your relationship.
> 
> I would say she either comes clean on what she is hiding, and you log in together and look at it, or she will be served. I think we all know what is going to happen here.
> 
> Sorry this happened to you.


But i have a bad temper so i'm responsible for my wife keeping secrets  Sorry, couldn't resisit. Thanks. So sad and yes, i fear i already know the outcome. Gosh i love her dearly. Heart - broken.


----------



## EleGirl

Mista Brightside said:


> Intersting. Well, the house isn't paid off yet so i'm not sure. I don't remember doing anything with the deed. We refinanced with her name on the mortgage.





SCDad01 said:


> Usually they only issue a deed at closing, so her name is most likely only on the loan. But maybe there's a realtor on the thread that can verify.


I am part owner of a company that does mortgage closings. This issue comes up from time to time. 

_"*Do Mortgage Borrowers Have to Be on the Title Deed?*_​_Since borrowers, who are not on the title deed, are not legal owners of the home being purchased, they cannot pledge the property as collateral. Therefore, these borrowers, by default, become guarantors. Legally, the difference is significant. Co-borrowers are responsible for making monthly payments as are primary borrowers. Guarantors are only responsible for loan balances after default by primary borrowers. From a lender prospective, this can create challenges if foreclosure becomes necessary. "_​How Long Can Co-Signers Stay on a Mortgage Loan? (zacks.com)​


----------



## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> Four months in and you don't trust her and she doesn't trust you. End it.


I truted her 100% - the lack of trust is on her end with her secret bank account. I agree though, i believe we are already done. I just want to make a tray at some counseling and stuff first. Maybe i'm being a sucker but she deserves the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.


----------



## Blondilocks

Mista Brightside said:


> I truted her 100% - the lack of trust is on her end with her secret bank account. I agree though, i believe we are already done. I just want to make a tray at some counseling and stuff first. Maybe i'm being a sucker but she deserves the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.


It seems to me that if you trusted her 100%, you wouldn't be concerned about her personal bank account.


----------



## EleGirl

Mista Brightside said:


> Most of the comments have been extremely helpful. A few seem to be unable to help themsleves, i guess they have it all figured out an their marriages are perfect...but why are they here then?
> We both agreed to go to seperate as well as group counseling and it's already been set up for next week. I told her to keep the account and that my paychecks will be deposited into my own personal account from now on and she will have no access to it. I will then transfer to joint to pay bills. I also informed her that i'm going to be taking her off the mortgage and anything, if anything, that she has my name on should be removed in kind. I fear this is the beginning of the end. No marriage should be like this. It's just sad.


Yea, some of the replies are a bit over the top.

Keep in mind that this is an open forum and anyone with an account can reply. It's often best to just ignore the posts that are not helpful.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> You've made a ton of mistakes, ignored a bunch of red flags, rushed into a legally binding lifetime commitment with a woman you hardly know, and are setting yourself up for a fall. It's time to start pulling back to the trenches.
> 
> I'd suggest saying to her something like "I understand and respect your decision to keep your finances separate and what you have in those accounts is your own business. I am going to do the same, I'd appreciate you signing these papers that reverts ownership of the house back to me, and understand that I will (or already have) pulled my funds out of the joint account."
> 
> Moving your funds before or after the talk is a bit dicey- it's risky if you wait but she might shut down on you if you do it without telling her.
> 
> The good news is that even with the change of ownership on the house you can probably keep whatever equity was in there before the marriage when you ultimately divorce.
> 
> And of course, divorce is inevitable. It's time to get smart and play this right.


I have done that and have taken action to make it so. I also informed her that i'm taking her name off the mortgage...we'll see how that goes when it's time to sign the papers. Nothing was done without her knowledge before hand. There has been full transparency on my part. I purposely kept her in the loop so she can't accuse me of doing what she's done. I hear you. We are trying counseling first, both personal one on one and group marriage counseling. Thanks for all of your input. I truly appreciate it.


----------



## drencrom

Trident said:


> A quick search finds an Illinious Divorce attorney site that says you're wrong.


I don't care what that site says, I live in Illinois and went through this. Judge even confirmed


Trident said:


> A quick search finds an Illinious Divorce attorney site that says you're wrong.
> 
> _There are several factors that determine whether your home is a marital asset, and the name on the deed or mortgage is not usually among these factors. It is not uncommon for a couple to list just one spouse on a mortgage--often for credit reasons--but the name that is listed has virtually no effect on classifying the home as marital or separate property. _
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Understanding Ownership of a Marital Home in Illinois Divorce Cases
> 
> 
> Ownership of real estate property can be a difficult issue to resolve during divorce. Contact our Will County asset division attorney at 312-702-1293.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> theforayfirm.com


Actually your site confirms my assessment, partially. What it says is that the name does NOT need to be on the mortgage for it to be considered a marital asset. But it is definitely a marital asset if both names are on it. Don't worry, I lived it.

So no, not wrong. Thanks for reinforcing my comment actually.


----------



## drencrom

Mista Brightside said:


> I hear you but i'm not giving up my home...4 years and it's paid off.


Oh I completely understand. If it were me, I'd rather she paid me off then I have to pay her.

So if you are ok with buying her out, thats cool. I get it about wanting to keep the home.


----------



## drencrom

Mista Brightside said:


> Let's hope i can get her name off it!


Again, you'd have to have an agreement in place to compensate her for half the equity and would need to refinance to get only your name on a Deed of Claim.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> It seems to me that if you trusted her 100%, you wouldn't be concerned about her personal bank account.


We agreed on JOINT checking accounts and no personal accounts. This was HER decision being that i didn't mind either way. So she set it up as group thing and then kept a secret account away from me and then lied about it while refusing to let me see what's in there. I tranfered all my personal money into our joint account on day one and put her name on the mortgae of a house i've been paying off for over 20 years...i only ave 4 more years and it's paid off in full. I did this because this is what we AGREED to do...no personal accounts. She lied! I think you've misunderstood the circumstances. But thank you anyway for your input.


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> Yea, some of the replies are a bit over the top.
> 
> Keep in mind that this is an open forum and anyone with an account can reply. It's often best to just ignore the posts that are not helpful.


I should have done exactly that - ignored them. But one was actually telling lies about me and i couldn't let that stand. Thank you for the input!


----------



## Mista Brightside

drencrom said:


> Oh I completely understand. If it were me, I'd rather she paid me off then I have to pay her.
> 
> So if you are ok with buying her out, thats cool. I get it about wanting to keep the home.


Thanks!


----------



## Blondilocks

How much equity could she have contributed to in 4 months time? She might be better off with a Starbucks mocha frappuccino.


----------



## Openminded

Mista Brightside said:


> Thank you so much. Not in Georgia anymore? WHere did you move to?


I still have family in Georgia so I pop in and out regularly. I left for some place more peaceful than the metro area.🙂


----------



## Mista Brightside

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think it is irrelevant. I don't think you can't split this into two gender related "teams". There is nothing inherent about being a wife vs a husband that would make it okay to back up of a financial agreement made between the two of you. Is a promise made by a wife different than a promise made by a husband? That is my point.
> 
> I think you are stuck in a holding pattern until she shows you what is going on in the account she doesn't want to share with you. And make sure you really get the whole picture of what is going on, not just a small selective portion of a statement. It is interesting that she only want to talk about it in person.


Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I want the benefit of advice from both planets  ANyway, thank for chimingin and wish us luck!


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> It seems you know very little about her.


No, i'm just not going into the gory details because she not here and therefopre it's not fair to her. That's just my humble opinion  But thanks for chiming in and wish us luck!


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## Evinrude58

Just read your thread... my thoughts:

4th marriage. Indeed a bad stat but not really a problem in itself.

You got angry and hurt about the “secret” account, and told your wife to leave the home.
I didn’t see anyone address this, but I’m my opinion, that is a bigger mistake than her and the account. You shouldn’t have asked her to leave the home in anger. Brother, that is beyond hurtful and hence she is staying gone.
If she comes back, I advise you to never do it again unless you intend on divorcing her.

To your question: she was wrong to hold out, however, as once said “I don’t condone it, but I understand it”.
The fact isn’t she’s been married three times previously. She’s been through 3 divorces. She’s likely wanting to see how things go with you for a year or two before she shares finances with you. She was wrong not to say so. For you to blow up and ask your WIFE to leave the home— not so trust building, eh?

Ny advice is this: Go apologize for losing your cool and asking her to leave. Separate Bank accounts and agree to split expenses by using the joint account. Leave everything else separate. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to keep money she earned as her own security blanket. Work on communication. You love her, as shown by your mistake of doing what you saw as right, while ignoring the possibility of what has befallen.
Straighten this out with your wife in a reasonable manner. She is irresponsible with money. Why be stupid and have a joint account with her? She very well may know she is irresponsible with money and is trying to protect you from HER spending habits.

I personally don’t see anything that your wife has done so far that should be a marriage breaker. However you asking her to leave— I think tgat was a huge mistake on your part and you are seeing the results of that.

Good luck.


----------



## Blondilocks

Mista Brightside said:


> We agreed on JOINT checking accounts and no personal accounts. This was HER decision being that i didn't mind either way. So she set it up as group thing and then kept a secret account away from me and then lied about it while refusing to let me see what's in there. I tranfered all my personal money into our joint account on day one and put her name on the mortgae of a house i've been paying off for over 20 years...i only ave 4 more years and it's paid off in full. I did this because this is what we AGREED to do...no personal accounts. She lied! I think you've misunderstood the circumstances. But thank you anyway for your input.





Mista Brightside said:


> I can't help but feel that she's hiding money "just in case" which means she hasn't committed. So sad. I thought i hit the lottery.


I haven't misunderstood the circumstances. You trusted her before. She lied. You don't trust her now. Is this not correct?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Benbutton said:


> I really hope you didn't get scammed.


Me too.


----------



## Prodigal

Mista Brightside said:


> ... she's the one who brought nothing to the marriage but a car payment. I at least own a home that she benfits from now. ...she claims that i'm "scary with money" and yet i owned a house, boat and 2 paid off vehicles. She makes 25k more than me and only has a car payment to offer. She makes over 100k per year in Georgia and she has less than$1,500.00 in her savings to show for it???


Sorry I'm late to the party. I read the entire thread before deciding to respond. ^^This^^ is pretty darned concerning. My impression is - and correct me if I'm wrong - that she's secretive about her money and possibly her previous marriages. And it sounds to me like she's projecting her own sneaky behavior onto you. It sounds to me like you have your financial ducks in a row. 

I can only speculate, but perhaps she is socking away all her money in the stock market or some other investments. Often people don't keep much money in their checking accounts, but $1,500 sounds pretty lean to me.

As a woman who was married to an alcoholic, I can tell you that I had NOTHING in joint accounts. For me, that was a sound financial decision.


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## EleGirl

Blondilocks said:


> How much equity could she have contributed to in 4 months time? She might be better off with a Starbucks mocha frappuccino.


In the last few months the value of my house has gone up about $100,000. And it's not some huge, million dollar mansion. It seems that buyers are offering more than asking price on many homes. The market has gone crazy.


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## Mista Brightside

Evinrude58 said:


> Just read your thread... my thoughts:
> 
> 4th marriage. Indeed a bad stat but not really a problem in itself.
> 
> You got angry and hurt about the “secret” account, and told your wife to leave the home.
> I didn’t see anyone address this, but I’m my opinion, that is a bigger mistake than her and the account. You shouldn’t have asked her to leave the home in anger. Brother, that is beyond hurtful and hence she is staying gone.
> If she comes back, I advise you to never do it again unless you intend on divorcing her.
> 
> To your question: she was wrong to hold out, however, as once said “I don’t condone it, but I understand it”.
> The fact isn’t she’s been married three times previously. She’s been through 3 divorces. She’s likely wanting to see how things go with you for a year or two before she shares finances with you. She was wrong not to say so. For you to blow up and ask your WIFE to leave the home— not so trust building, eh?
> 
> Ny advice is this: Go apologize for losing your cool and asking her to leave. Separate Bank accounts and agree to split expenses by using the joint account. Leave everything else separate. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to keep money she earned as her own security blanket. Work on communication. You love her, as shown by your mistake of doing what you saw as right, while ignoring the possibility of what has befallen.
> Straighten this out with your wife in a reasonable manner. She is irresponsible with money. Why be stupid and have a joint account with her? She very well may know she is irresponsible with money and is trying to protect you from HER spending habits.
> 
> I personally don’t see anything that your wife has done so far that should be a marriage breaker. However you asking her to leave— I think tgat was a huge mistake on your part and you are seeing the results of that.
> 
> Good luck.


I didn't tell her to leave - i said "feel free to stay at your mom's tonight". Not saying i was right but it was her choice. I never kicked her out. The trust building was shattered when i discovered my wife had a secret bank account, lied about it and then refused to allow me access or even see a statement. Just so you know - the "feel free to stay at your mom's house tonight" is a non-issue for her. She said she understood and it's her choice to stay there. Also, i didn't do anything out of anger...i was crushed and disspointed...not mad. My heart was broken. I think you should read my post again. Let me ask you this: If your wife claimed that she wants ALL of our finances to be in one group account and we will have no personal accounts (this was her idea), you comply and tranfer all monies out of your personal account into the joint account and put her on the mortgage you've been paying off for over 20 years...less than 4 years left and it's paid off - only to find out that your wife alla long has been keeping a secret account, lied about it and then openly refuese to show you a bank statement even though, according to her, there's nothing in there. What would you do? How would you feel? Especially considering some of the nonsensical excuses she 's used like "there's no money in there anyway" - well if there's no money then why keep it a secret? If there's no money why not jsut show a bank statement and end the discussion. I really want to hear what you would do...and please please don't get hung up on the fact tha i gave her the option to stay at her mother's. That has no bearing on her keeping secrets and lying about it.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> I haven't misunderstood the circumstances. You trusted her before. She lied. You don't trust her now. Is this not correct?


That's just a small part of it but yes. That's not what you replied with in your original post though.


----------



## EleGirl

Mista Brightside said:


> Especially considering some of the nonsensical excuses she 's used like "there's no money in there anyway" - well if there's no money then why keep it a secret? If there's no money why not jsut show a bank statement and end the discussion.


You have a joint account with her. Did she put any of her pay into the account? If she did not, where did you think it was going?

You say that the bills are split 50/50. Show did she pay her 50%? What account did you think she was paying out of?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Prodigal said:


> Sorry I'm late to the party. I read the entire thread before deciding to respond. ^^This^^ is pretty darned concerning. My impression is - and correct me if I'm wrong - that she's secretive about her money and possibly her previous marriages. And it sounds to me like she's projecting her own sneaky behavior onto you. It sounds to me like you have your financial ducks in a row.
> 
> I can only speculate, but perhaps she is socking away all her money in the stock market or some other investments. Often people don't keep much money in their checking accounts, but $1,500 sounds pretty lean to me.
> 
> As a woman who was married to an alcoholic, I can tell you that I had NOTHING in joint accounts. For me, that was a sound financial decision.


All good! She has been secretive about her seperate account but not her previous marriages, i didn't go into any detail because she's not here and i didn't think it would be fair to her. YES! Exactly...projection and transference. I'm not the best money guy out there but i hold my own. For the record there's 1,100 in there according to the photo she sent me. A photo that shows nothing but the balanace - no bank info, no account numbers and no names. I can't help but feel she's doing something sneaky. Why be so secretive? Especially after getting caught...why not just show bank statements proving that what she says is the truth? Why keep the account a secret if there's "really nothing in there"?
Thank you so much for your input!


----------



## Prodigal

Y'know, my gut instinct is telling me you may be the victim of a bait-and-switch. There's so much you're saying that sounds like she has some sort of agenda. And it's not an agenda that is going to aid in the two of you building a life together. Sorry if that's the case.


----------



## Evinrude58

I’m not saying you’re wrong at all. You’ve every right to be upset. I’ve offered a solution. What are your thoughts? Btw, you don’t “offer for her to stay at her moms and pretend you’re not asking her to leave. She already knows she can go stay at her moms. It may not be a big desk for you, but it may have been for her. 

again, are you wanting a solution or a divorce?


----------



## RebuildingMe

This thread is EXACTLY what prenups were invented for. One has assets, the other has nothing but debt. I remember my grandmother's favorite saying, "a fool and his money are soon parted".


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> You have a joint account with her. Did she put any of her pay into the account? If she did not, where did you think it was going?
> 
> You say that the bills are split 50/50. Show did she pay her 50%? What account did you think she was paying out of?


I knew she had her own personal account - but she told me she would shut that down and transfer everything into the joint account as soon as she can but she's having trouble with her bank and the new account. So i figured ok...she'll take care of it. 4 months later and she still hasn't done it. That's what started this whole thing. I callthe account a "secret account" because she refuses to let me know what's in it and lied about why she couldn't transfer the money. I trutsed her to do the right thing. I found her to be a very honorable person that i could trust. Bottom line is i jumped in with both feet from day one and gave her everything i had - she is hedging her bets and the lying about while keeping the account off limits to her husband. This is not how i think a marriage should work. If she wanted to keep individual accounts we could have done that, but it was her decision to form a joint account and close down all personal accounts. That being said this has been an etxtermely difficult year...lost both my mom and dad, i'm trying to sell their house but a pipe burst and the entire bottom floor is trashed and lastly i'm pretty sick right now with multiple issues. So i've been a wee bit distracted and let things go. I hope the info helps. Thanks for your input.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m not saying you’re wrong at all. You’ve every right to be upset. I’ve offered a solution. What are your thoughts? Btw, you don’t “offer for her to stay at her moms and pretend you’re not asking her to leave. She already knows she can go stay at her moms. It may not be a big desk for you, but it may have been for her.
> 
> again, are you wanting a solution or a divorce?


It wasn't for her per her own words. She stated that she understood 100% why i said what i did. It was her decision to go, i didn't force her or tell her to "get out" and it's her decision to stay there for however long. Just the facts. We are going to both seperate and group counseling in hopes of finding a solution but she still has yet to show me exactly what's in the account and what was in the account. Sorry but that's just sneaky and breeds doubt and mistrust. Thanks for your input.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Mista Brightside said:


> I didn't tell her to leave - i said "feel free to stay at your mom's tonight". Not saying i was right but it was her choice. I never kicked her out. The trust building was shattered when i discovered my wife had a secret bank account, lied about it and then refused to allow me access or even see a statement. Just so you know - the "feel free to stay at your mom's house tonight" is a non-issue for her. She said she understood and it's her choice to stay there. Also, i didn't do anything out of anger...i was crushed and disspointed...not mad. My heart was broken. I think you should read my post again. Let me ask you this: If your wife claimed that she wants ALL of our finances to be in one group account and we will have no personal accounts (this was her idea), you comply and tranfer all monies out of your personal account into the joint account and put her on the mortgage you've been paying off for over 20 years...less than 4 years left and it's paid off - only to find out that your wife alla long has been keeping a secret account, lied about it and then openly refuese to show you a bank statement even though, according to her, there's nothing in there. What would you do? How would you feel? Especially considering some of the nonsensical excuses she 's used like "there's no money in there anyway" - well if there's no money then why keep it a secret? If there's no money why not jsut show a bank statement and end the discussion. I really want to hear what you would do...and please please don't get hung up on the fact tha i gave her the option to stay at her mother's. That has no bearing on her keeping secrets and lying about it.


 the money is going some where transferred to another account or some where , 
it looks like to me she was looking for a guy to play and got you to fall into the trap for all you know she did this before , you need to get legal advice


----------



## Mista Brightside

RebuildingMe said:


> This thread is EXACTLY what prenups were invented for. One has assets, the other has nothing but debt. I remember my grandmother's favorite saying, "a fool and his money are soon parted".


Full transpareny: she really isn't in debt except for her car loan. SHe's pretty good with money.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Mista Brightside said:


> . SHe's pretty good with money.


i say she is and good to milk a guy ,


----------



## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> How much equity could she have contributed to in 4 months time? She might be better off with a Starbucks mocha frappuccino.


It might not matter if she signs the Deed of Claim. A judge could award her half of it. All depends on state laws and the leeway a judge has.

He simply needs to get an attorney working on this ASAP.


----------



## Blondilocks

You really know nothing about her finances. A person doesn't make over $100k a year and have nothing to show for it. Gambling? Whatever. Her money has gone and is going somewhere.


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> I am part owner of a company that does mortgage closings. This issue comes up from time to time.
> 
> _"*Do Mortgage Borrowers Have to Be on the Title Deed?*_​_Since borrowers, who are not on the title deed, are not legal owners of the home being purchased, they cannot pledge the property as collateral. Therefore, these borrowers, by default, become guarantors. Legally, the difference is significant. Co-borrowers are responsible for making monthly payments as are primary borrowers. Guarantors are only responsible for loan balances after default by primary borrowers. From a lender prospective, this can create challenges if foreclosure becomes necessary. "_​How Long Can Co-Signers Stay on a Mortgage Loan? (zacks.com)​


Thank you! Does this apply to Georgia?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> You really know nothing about her finances. A person doesn't make over $100k a year and have nothing to show for it. Gambling? Whatever. Her money has gone and is going somewhere.


That's exactly what i said to her - that and how can you accuse me of being scary with money when you make over a 100k in Georgia nad have only a car note to show for it. 100k is a damn good salary in Georgia. She also get's a full expense account which i've yet to see any peperwork on. This will all be addressed with the marriage counselor. I can't talk to her without an unbiased mediator...she constantly contradicts herself in the same statement and then get's mad at me when i call her out on it. She claims my temper is getting the better of me - in other words she blames me.


----------



## re16

I'm not sure how people with separate finances work usually, but I would think that even if I had a separate account, I wouldn't be bothered if my spouse wanted to see what was spent from that account.....

She is trying to hid her expenditures here, and there is a reason for that. There is something in those statements that she knows will not be ok with her new husband.


----------



## MattMatt

EleGirl said:


> Yea, some of the replies are a bit over the top.
> 
> Keep in mind that this is an open forum and anyone with an account can reply. It's often best to just ignore the posts that are not helpful.


And report any you feel are off topic.


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> In the last few months the value of my house has gone up about $100,000. And it's not some huge, million dollar mansion. It seems that buyers are offering more than asking price on many homes. The market has gone crazy.


Absolutely nuts this housing market. It's going to burst soon and a lot of people are going to be in trouble again.


----------



## re16

Could also be a dishonorable source of income instead of something she is spending, maybe she's collecting income she shouldn't be, or receiving payments for something nefarious.

ETA: Maybe time to ask her mom, or if you have gumption, her ex husbands...


----------



## MattMatt

Mista Brightside said:


> I knew she had her own personal account - but she told me she would shut that down and transfer everything into the joint account as soon as she can but she's having trouble with her bank and the new account. So i figured ok...she'll take care of it. 4 months later and she still hasn't done it. That's what started this whole thing. I callthe account a "secret account" because she refuses to let me know what's in it and lied about why she couldn't transfer the money. I trutsed her to do the right thing. I found her to be a very honorable person that i could trust. Bottom line is i jumped in with both feet from day one and gave her everything i had - she is hedging her bets and the lying about while keeping the account off limits to her husband. This is not how i think a marriage should work. If she wanted to keep individual accounts we could have done that, but it was her decision to form a joint account and close down all personal accounts. That being said this has been an etxtermely difficult year...lost both my mom and dad, i'm trying to sell their house but a pipe burst and the entire bottom floor is trashed and lastly i'm pretty sick right now with multiple issues. So i've been a wee bit distracted and let things go. I hope the info helps. Thanks for your input.


Actually, if the agreement was "we get married and we have a joint account and close our own accounts" then you need to run this situation past a divorce lawyer. It might be grounds for annulment?


----------



## Mista Brightside

re16 said:


> I'm not sure how people with separate finances work usually, but I would think that even if I had a separate account, I wouldn't be bothered if my spouse wanted to see what was spent from that account.....
> 
> She is trying to hid her expenditures here, and there is a reason for that. There is something in those statements that she knows will not be ok with her new husband.


I believe so. And her delay in showing me only breeds more doubt. Then she turns around and tells me i'm digging myself a hole! Just bizarre.


----------



## Mista Brightside

re16 said:


> Could also be a dishonorable source of income instead of something she is spending, maybe she's collecting income she shouldn't be, or receiving payments for something nefarious.


Somethings amiss


----------



## MattMatt

re16 said:


> Could also be a dishonorable source of income instead of something she is spending, maybe she's collecting income she shouldn't be, or receiving payments for something nefarious.


Oh. Like she hasn't told her ex she got married, because that would cut off her alimony?


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## Mista Brightside

MattMatt said:


> Actually, if the agreement was "we get married and we have a joint account and close our own accounts" then you need to run this situation past a divorce lawyer. It might be grounds for annulment?


I believe your right. I also don't think it's legal for a spouse to hide funds. Thanks for the input!


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## Mista Brightside

MattMatt said:


> Oh. Like she hasn't told her ex she got married, because that would cut off her alimony?


At this point who knows because she refuses to be transparent.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator Warning:- *Keep it civil, folks. Thank you.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Prodigal said:


> Y'know, my gut instinct is telling me you may be the victim of a bait-and-switch. There's so much you're saying that sounds like she has some sort of agenda. And it's not an agenda that is going to aid in the two of you building a life together. Sorry if that's the case.


Thanks for the input. So sad.


----------



## Mista Brightside

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator Warning:- *Keep it civil, folks. Thank you.


THANK YOU!!!


----------



## bobert

Be careful with any inheritance you got from your parents, and will get from the sale of the house. It is generally immune from asset division but you will want to be damn sure she can't get her hands on any of the money. Do not let her contribute anything to the upkeep of the house, etc.


----------



## re16

MattMatt said:


> Oh. Like she hasn't told her ex she got married, because that would cut off her alimony?


Something like that, or collecting someone's social security, or something worse...


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## Diana7

She has no reason to hide her statements unless something odd is going on. It's possible she is transferring money each month into a large savings account you know nothing about. She earns a lot, she should have plenty left over each month to save.


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## Evinrude58

I would Agee that she is acting shady, and the fact that she has neither come home nor given financial transparency is pretty telling.


----------



## EleGirl

Here's my input on your situation:

You have been married 4 months, only 4 months. Protect yourself but give this some time before you bail on this marriage.

Your wife agreed to all joint finances but has held out on implementing it. There could be several reason: 1) She could just be an awful person trying to rip you off. 2) She might have trust issues based on the past. 3) She might have financial issues that she did not tell you about and is now afraid to come clean about them. 4) She makes more than you and might, after some reflection, feel like she's being ripped off having to put more into the joint account than you do. 5) or it could be a combination of all of those. At this point every one here is just speculating.

I think your best bet is to approach this from the angle that she has no ill intent. If she does have ill intent, it will come out soon enough.

In my opinion a married couple should be 100% open with each other about finances whether they have a joint account, individual accounts, or both. My preference is to have both a joint savings and checking accounts and individual accounts. I'll explain that later.

It sounds like you two did not do a good job prior to marriage to discuss finances. Yea there was an agreement for a joint account, but that's not enough.

You two should have pulled your credit reports and let the other look at them and learn your histories. You both should have provided the other with full financial disclosure of all accounts, debts, etc. Would you buy a business that you knew little to nothing about financially? Nope. Yea, marriage is all about love but finance break up more marriages than a lot of other things.

It's also seems that you two do not have a real financial plan moving forward. If you work on that together it should build trust if trust is her issue. Along with the counseling work on a financial plan. There is a book that I really like for this because the plan is simple. Basically the plan is, for each pay check: 1) pay yourself first - put 10% to 20% into savings (joint savings) 2) pay your bills based on a schedule you both have worked out, then 3) spend the rest of the money on things to enjoy life... dates, things you like, etc.

One thing I would add were I the author of the book is that there should be joint accounts for bills and savings. Then each of you can have your own personal account. After savings, after paying the bills, you two split the discressinary income 50/50. You each move that to your personal accounts and spend it however you each please. In your wife's case, being able to have some money of her own might make her feel more secure.

*Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner*

I also suggest that you set up monthly financial meetings. Both of you need to pull your credit reports so that this info is shared (not monthly but at least annually). You both go over bank statements, bills and financial plan to make sure it still meets your needs. She has to give you the actual copy of the bank statement, not some image she flashes in front of you.

I suggest you get two copies of the book. One for her and one for you. You both read the book and then work together to get your finances in order and to help each other feel safe financially.

Always come from love. As I said earlier, if there is a serious problem it will come to light. You don't have to bulldoze this to get to the bottom of it.


----------



## frenchpaddy

there is something very wrong here , she asked you to shut down your account , she set up new account , then put nothing in to it ,
why is this that she would ask to open a joint account and not want you to see if she is getting money into of paying money out of , it is more than just


Mista Brightside said:


> but it was her decision to form a joint account and close down all personal accounts.





Mista Brightside said:


> Sorry but that's just sneaky and breeds doubt and mistrust.





Mista Brightside said:


> Full transpareny: she really isn't in debt except for her car loan.


 it is far from full transparency she is hiding something and looks like she is setting you up , and happy to stay with her mother could be building her own case against you , 


Mista Brightside said:


> That's exactly what i said to her - that and how can you accuse me of being scary with money when you make over a 100k in Georgia nad have only a car note to show for it. 100k is a damn good salary in Georgia. She also get's a full expense account which i've yet to see any peperwork on. This will all be addressed with the marriage counselor. I can't talk to her without an unbiased mediator...she constantly contradicts herself in the same statement and then get's mad at me when i call her out on it. She claims my temper is getting the better of me - in other words she blames me.


she could use the temper against you , 
i hate to be here saying all this but it looks a set up


----------



## EleGirl

Mista Brightside said:


> Thank you! Does this apply to Georgia?


Most of these types of mortgage issues are national because the finance companies and programs are usually national organizations. If your wife is not on the deed, she has no ownership of the home. She was foolish if she put her name on the mortgage but is not on the deed.

That said, she is most likely entitled to half the equity gained from the date of marriage per Georgia law (and law in most state). I'm not an attorney however so you need to talk to an attorney.

Will my real estate get divided if my spouse is not on the deed? | Abbott & Abbott, P.C. (abbottandabbott.net)


----------



## EleGirl

bobert said:


> Be careful with any inheritance you got from your parents, and will get from the sale of the house. It is generally immune from asset division but you will want to be damn sure she can't get her hands on any of the money. Do not let her contribute anything to the upkeep of the house, etc.


Quoted for truth.

@Mista Brightside

Make sure you have an attorney to help you in setting up your finances to keep your inheritance as separate property. For example, if you inherited money and you put that money in a joint account with her, it usually converts to joint property. If you comingle you inheritance with community funds, you might be able to move it out into an account in your name only as long as you keep very good records of the the money as it was moved around.


----------



## EleGirl

re16 said:


> Something like that, or collecting someone's social security, or something worse...


She might be laundering the money from an international art theft ring. Who knows... 😂


----------



## Mista Brightside

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator Warning:- *Keep it civil, folks. Thank you.


Moderator can you please clear something up? I was told by a participant that this site was not created for those going through a divorce or having marital issues and needing advice. If that's true I'm going to need to delete my comment immediately and my apologies to the site. Please let me know what your earliest convenience. Thank you so much.


----------



## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> Be careful with any inheritance you got from your parents, and will get from the sale of the house. It is generally immune from asset division but you will want to be damn sure she can't get her hands on any of the money. Do not let her contribute anything to the upkeep of the house, etc.


I haven't and won't, she's already been informed that the money from the house will be going into a separate account in my name that she has no access to. Thank you for that great advice.


----------



## bobert

EleGirl said:


> Quoted for truth.
> 
> @Mista Brightside
> 
> Make sure you have an attorney to help you in setting up your finances to keep your inheritance as separate property. For example, if you inherited money and you put that money in a joint account with her, it usually converts to joint property. If you comingle you inheritance with community funds, you might be able to move it out into an account in your name only as long as you keep very good records of the the money as it was moved around.


This is the main reason my wife and I have separate accounts at this point. She inherited a large sum of money (millions) and a property worth over a million, and is very careful to keep it from becoming a marital asset. Same with the property, she won't let me contribute anything towards the upkeep.


----------



## Mista Brightside

frenchpaddy said:


> there is something very wrong here , she asked you to shut down your account , she set up new account , then put nothing in to it ,
> why is this that she would ask to open a joint account and not want you to see if she is getting money into of paying money out of , it is more than just
> 
> 
> it is far from full transparency she is hiding something and looks like she is setting you up , and happy to stay with her mother could be building her own case against you ,
> 
> she could use the temper against you ,
> i hate to be here saying all this but it looks a set up


All good and I appreciate it. I need to hear these things no matter how much it hurts. This is just a soul crushing experience.


----------



## Evinrude58

bobert said:


> This is the main reason my wife and I have separate accounts at this point. She inherited a large sum of money (millions) and a property worth over a million, and is very careful to keep it from becoming a marital asset. Same with the property, she won't let me contribute anything towards the upkeep.


Lol you’ve got a real jewel there bobert


----------



## RebuildingMe

Mista Brightside said:


> Moderator can you please clear something up? I was told by a participant that this site was not created for those going through a divorce or having marital issues and needing advice. If that's true I'm going to need to delete my comment immediately and my apologies to the site. Please let me know what your earliest convenience. Thank you so much.


Dude, why are you so worried about the site or if posters are hurting your feelings? You have bigger fish to fry. You should be searching up lawyers in your area like yesterday. She’s going to steamroll you for your assets. You’re husband #4. She’s a pro at this. Lawyer up!


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> Here's my input on your situation:
> 
> You have been married 4 months, only 4 months. Protect yourself but give this some time before you bail on this marriage.
> 
> Your wife agreed to all joint finances but has held out on implementing it. There could be several reason: 1) She could just be an awful person trying to rip you off. 2) She might have trust issues based on the past. 3) She might have financial issues that she did not tell you about and is now afraid to come clean about them. 4) She makes more than you and might, after some reflection, feel like she's being ripped off having to put more into the joint account than you do. 5) or it could be a combination of all of those. At this point every one here is just speculating.
> 
> I think your best bet is to approach this from the angle that she has no ill intent. If she does have ill intent, it will come out soon enough.
> 
> In my opinion a married couple should be 100% open with each other about finances whether they have a joint account, individual accounts, or both. My preference is to have both a joint savings and checking accounts and individual accounts. I'll explain that later.
> 
> It sounds like you two did not do a good job prior to marriage to discuss finances. Yea there was an agreement for a joint account, but that's not enough.
> 
> You two should have pulled your credit reports and let the other look at them and learn your histories. You both should have provided the other with full financial disclosure of all accounts, debts, etc. Would you buy a business that you knew little to nothing about financially? Nope. Yea, marriage is all about love but finance break up more marriages than a lot of other things.
> 
> It's also seems that you two do not have a real financial plan moving forward. If you work on that together it should build trust if trust is her issue. Along with the counseling work on a financial plan. There is a book that I really like for this because the plan is simple. Basically the plan is, for each pay check: 1) pay yourself first - put 10% to 20% into savings (joint savings) 2) pay your bills based on a schedule you both have worked out, then 3) spend the rest of the money on things to enjoy life... dates, things you like, etc.
> 
> One thing I would add were I the author of the book is that there should be joint accounts for bills and savings. Then each of you can have your own personal account. After savings, after paying the bills, you two split the discressinary income 50/50. You each move that to your personal accounts and spend it however you each please. In your wife's case, being able to have some money of her own might make her feel more secure.
> 
> *Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner*
> 
> I also suggest that you set up monthly financial meetings. Both of you need to pull your credit reports so that this info is shared (not monthly but at least annually). You both go over bank statements, bills and financial plan to make sure it still meets your needs. She has to give you the actual copy of the bank statement, not some image she flashes in front of you.
> 
> I suggest you get two copies of the book. One for her and one for you. You both read the book and then work together to get your finances in order and to help each other feel safe financially.
> 
> Always come from love. As I said earlier, if there is a serious problem it will come to light. You don't have to bulldoze this to get to the bottom of it.


Thank you Elegirl. Great stuff and fantastic advice. Very intelligent and informative response! I want this to work and I want to be better for both of us. I've always believed that self reflection and self improvement go hand-in-hand and should never cease. Thanks again!


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> Most of these types of mortgage issues are national because the finance companies and programs are usually national organizations. If your wife is not on the deed, she has no ownership of the home. She was foolish if she put her name on the mortgage but is not on the deed.
> 
> That said, she is most likely entitled to half the equity gained from the date of marriage per Georgia law (and law in most state). I'm not an attorney however so you need to talk to an attorney.
> 
> Will my real estate get divided if my spouse is not on the deed? | Abbott & Abbott, P.C. (abbottandabbott.net)


Agreed! Thank you so much!


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> Quoted for truth.
> 
> @Mista Brightside
> 
> Make sure you have an attorney to help you in setting up your finances to keep your inheritance as separate property. For example, if you inherited money and you put that money in a joint account with her, it usually converts to joint property. If you comingle you inheritance with community funds, you might be able to move it out into an account in your name only as long as you keep very good records of the the money as it was moved around.


Agreed and I'm definitely consulting an attorney. I've already informed her that the proceeds from the sale of my parents house is going into a private account in my name only. She set up the rules and now she could play by them. I hate this!


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> She might be laundering the money from an international art theft ring. Who knows... 😂


Thanks. I needed to smile.


----------



## Mista Brightside

RebuildingMe said:


> Dude, why are you so worried about the site or if posters are hurting your feelings? You have bigger fish to fry. You should be searching up lawyers in your area like yesterday. She’s going to steamroll you for your assets. You’re husband #4. She’s a pro at this. Lawyer up!


I hear you but I just can't abide people telling lies about me. What I should have done is ignore and report. Lesson learned! Thanks for the advice.


----------



## bobert

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol you’ve got a real jewel there bobert


I didn't like it before but at this point, it's a non-issue for me. I understand her reasoning and she'd be a fool to give up that money or property given the state of our marriage and how it has always been. That being said, we did use some of that money to buy "my" lake house off my parents, pay off our mortgage, etc. It's not like she keeps it all to herself. 

That is why I suggested the OP figure out his wife's reasoning. He may not agree with it but it's possible to understand it.


----------



## Livvie

If I were you I'd dig very deep into how someone making that kind of salary has absolutely nothing to show for it, not even a paid off vehicle. My son in his early twenties not even done w college has more assets.

My spidey sense is tingling. WHERE HAS HER LIFETIME ASSETS GONE?

I think you should be very concerned about this.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Livvie said:


> If I were you I'd dig very deep into how someone making that kind of salary has absolutely nothing to show for it, not even a paid off vehicle. My son in his early twenties not even done w college has more assets.
> 
> My spidey sense is tingling. WHERE HAS HER LIFETIME ASSETS GONE?
> 
> I think you should be very concerned about this.


401k according to her. But I still haven't seen it.


----------



## Livvie

Mista Brightside said:


> 401k according to her. But I still haven't seen it.


So what, around 300k in it you think?


----------



## Blondilocks

Mista Brightside said:


> Moderator can you please clear something up? I was told by a participant that this site was not created for those going through a divorce or having marital issues and needing advice. If that's true I'm going to need to delete my comment immediately and my apologies to the site. Please let me know what your earliest convenience. Thank you so much.


I am NOT a moderator; but, I will offer up that you misunderstood what that poster was communicating. English is like his 3rd language and something was lost in translation.


----------



## MattMatt

Mista Brightside said:


> Moderator can you please clear something up? I was told by a participant that this site was not created for those going through a divorce or having marital issues and needing advice. If that's true I'm going to need to delete my comment immediately and my apologies to the site. Please let me know what your earliest convenience. Thank you so much.


What you were told isn't the case.


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol you’ve got a real jewel there bobert


Yes!
We have always treated all money coming in no matter where from as joint money. We have both had small inheritances and it never occured to either of us that it wasn't joint money. I just don't get this his and hers idea. As a married couple everything is joint.


----------



## bobert

Diana7 said:


> Yes!
> We have always treated all money coming in no matter where from as joint money. We have both had small inheritances and it never occured to either of us that it wasn't joint money. I just don't get this his and hers idea. As a married couple everything is joint.


The difference is, @Diana7, you are in a happy marriage (or so you claim to be). Your opinion of what you would do in MY situation is irrelevant.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Mista Brightside said:


> 401k according to her. But I still haven't seen it.


This actually makes sense. She says he is scary with money, but he makes 75% of her income and he has real assets. Now if she has bankrolled a lot of liquid assets that would make sense. It would explain both her lack of asset and her fear of his way of saving.
My widowed sister actually has bot \h real and liquid assets and she is very protective of them. They are her security.
Don't mess around with women's security. 
But, to be fair, she (Mrs. Brightside, or sister Nail) has no right to attach other peoples security assets, when they are unwilling to share their own. 

To answer the original question, we have separate accounts but shared knowledge. It started as convenience (hard to make Mrs. Nail sign all of the opening paperwork) but as emotional distance grew it is just easier if we have our own money to keep track of. One less awkward conversation.


----------



## oldshirt

This reminds me of a "Big Bang Theory" episode that I saw in rerun just the other evening. 

Penny found out that Lenard had a bank account in his name only that she did not know about. She was upset and was asking him why he did that. He tried to delicately tell her it was a safety net and for a rainy day etc and then said that she did not manage money well and had credit card issues etc. 

She got pretty serious and asked him how much was in the account and he said $6,000some dollars. 

She was flabbergasted and upset and said, "Do you know what I could do with that money?" to which he sheepishly replied, "yyyeahh, that's why I've kept it is a secret account."


----------



## RebuildingMe

Mista Brightside said:


> 401k according to her. But I still haven't seen it.


There are caps as to how much you can put into your 401k. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Livvie said:


> So what, around 300k in it you think?


Around 450


----------



## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> I am NOT a moderator; but, I will offer up that you misunderstood what that poster was communicating. English is like his 3rd language and something was lost in translation.


It's all good. I thought was an odd comment.


----------



## Mista Brightside

MattMatt said:


> What you were told isn't the case.


Kinda figured...just wanted to make sure.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Mr. Nail said:


> This actually makes sense. She says he is scary with money, but he makes 75% of her income and he has real assets. Now if she has bankrolled a lot of liquid assets that would make sense. It would explain both her lack of asset and her fear of his way of saving.
> My widowed sister actually has bot \h real and liquid assets and she is very protective of them. They are her security.
> Don't mess around with women's security.
> But, to be fair, she (Mrs. Brightside, or sister Nail) has no right to attach other peoples security assets, when they are unwilling to share their own.
> 
> To answer the original question, we have separate accounts but shared knowledge. It started as convenience (hard to make Mrs. Nail sign all of the opening paperwork) but as emotional distance grew it is just easier if we have our own money to keep track of. One less awkward conversation.


Thank you so much for your input. I believe we both dropped the ball when it came to this subject. I'm super rusty. My last marriage was over 30 years ago.


----------



## Mista Brightside

oldshirt said:


> This reminds me of a "Big Bang Theory" episode that I saw in rerun just the other evening.
> 
> Penny found out that Lenard had a bank account in his name only that she did not know about. She was upset and was asking him why he did that. He tried to delicately tell her it was a safety net and for a rainy day etc and then said that she did not manage money well and had credit card issues etc.
> 
> She got pretty serious and asked him how much was in the account and he said $6,000some dollars.
> 
> She was flabbergasted and upset and said, "Do you know what I could do with that money?" to which he sheepishly replied, "yyyeahh, that's why I've kept it is a secret account."


That's awesome! Ha! Thank you...I needed that.


----------



## frusdil

Mista Brightside said:


> Yes, she's been married 3 times prior. Great advice. Thank you so much!


That alone should have given you pause mate. Wow.

Change the bank stuff back to what it was previously. Why you would even ask her I don't know. But if she questions it simply say "Because you clearly want separate accounts".


----------



## Mista Brightside

frusdil said:


> That alone should have given you pause mate. Wow.
> 
> Change the bank stuff back to what it was previously. Why you would even ask her I don't know. But if she questions it simply say "Because you clearly want separate accounts".


Agreed. Thank you.


----------



## NTA

Mista Brightside said:


> Maybe - but she's the one who brought nothing to the marriage but a car payment. I at least own a home that she benfits from now. That's the funny thing...she claims that i'm "scary with money" and yet i owned a house, boat and 2 paid off vehicles. She makes 25k more than me and only has a car payment to offer. She makes over 100k per year in Georgia and she has less than$1,500.00 in her savings to show for it??? It would seem it's her that has issues managing money.


Does she have a lot of clothes or a lot of other items that depreciate the moment that you buy. then some people are more experience oriented does she travel a lot?


----------



## moulinyx

Marriage counseling will be helpful. There are so many ways to handle finances and I personally wish my husband and I had separate bank accounts. However, that is because I feel like he is controlling and I get tired of being needled for every purchase I make despite making 3x what he does.

Maybe she feels stress from previous relationships and just wants to feel like she can have discretionary funds without having discussions about it? This may not be as big of a red flag as others are saying.


----------



## heartsbeating

Mista Brightside said:


> How about we stay on subject and share with me: What you would do? How would you react? How would it make you feel if your husband was keeping secrets from you?


Okay I'm committing TAM sin by jumping in at page 7 and answering this as a general question, as it relates to the opening post.

Be forewarned, I tend to reply through personal experiences. My husband and I met young. Before we opened a shared bank account and closed our own, I did stipulate that I needed to see him reducing his credit card use and spending first. Basically, I was more the one to save and budget and did have hesitations. He was more the spender. We were living together (renting). I wasn't willing to take that step until seeing some different actions occurring, and which we worked out together. It wasn't something he had previously learned, despite independently supporting himself from aged 16. Got to the point where I felt comfortable, and we closed our individual accounts and started with the shared. No longer mine and his, just everything merged together. That was over 25 years ago now. Over time, we have balanced one another out in terms of financial approach, and with him being more willing to take risks versus me being more risk averse. Both has served us well in different ways and times. To answer your question, if I discovered that he'd secretly kept his own account, and unwilling to openly share what's coming in and flowing out then yes, I'd find it unsettling. And as we've always both been across such things. Moreover, I'd need to understand WHY.

Commencing a relationship and deciding whether to share finances and such as seasoned adults is quite different to what I described; particularly before really knowing the other person and what they're about. I'd imagine the feeling of going back on what was actively agreed, would still be unsettling. And again, particularly without understanding WHY. I'm aware of some couples that married later in life and eventually transitioned to merging all finances and assets, and it's all been fine between them. I'm also aware that with a particular couple, 'finances' as just its own topic caused major issues (and that was one of many that led to divorce).

If it was agreed upon, and then your wife not only didn't participate but seemingly covered that she kept her own account, I'd really want to understand the reasoning. Not necessarily from a defensive stance (once emotion subsides), more just really wanting to understand her more and what that's all about. However, I read that you have since gone back to your own account and such. That makes sense and I think that it's wise that you did.


----------



## heartsbeating

EleGirl said:


> In my opinion a married couple should be 100% open with each other about finances whether they have a joint account, individual accounts, or both.


This gets a solid YUP!


----------



## heartsbeating

Mista Brightside said:


> She's transferring money from her secret account to the joint account only when bills need to be paid. It's all on the joint account bank statements so i'm good there.


Okay wait, now I'm confused. If she's transferring from her own account into the shared/joint account - then how is her own account a secret? I get another part of this is her not showing you statements and such, yet the account itself is not much of a secret if you can see funds being transferred in. Or am I missing something here?


----------



## heartsbeating

Mista Brightside said:


> I knew she had her own personal account - but she told me she would shut that down and transfer everything into the joint account as soon as she can but she's having trouble with her bank and the new account. So i figured ok...she'll take care of it. 4 months later and she still hasn't done it. That's what started this whole thing. I callthe account a "secret account" because she refuses to let me know what's in it and lied about why she couldn't transfer the money. I trutsed her to do the right thing. I found her to be a very honorable person that i could trust. Bottom line is i jumped in with both feet from day one and gave her everything i had - she is hedging her bets and the lying about while keeping the account off limits to her husband. This is not how i think a marriage should work. If she wanted to keep individual accounts we could have done that, but it was her decision to form a joint account and close down all personal accounts. That being said this has been an etxtermely difficult year...lost both my mom and dad, i'm trying to sell their house but a pipe burst and the entire bottom floor is trashed and lastly i'm pretty sick right now with multiple issues. So i've been a wee bit distracted and let things go. I hope the info helps. Thanks for your input.


Okay, this answered my previous question (read after posting). Please ignore that last post of mine!


----------



## Diana7

bobert said:


> The difference is, @Diana7, you are in a happy marriage (or so you claim to be). Your opinion of what you would do in MY situation is situation irrelevant.


It's been the situation in both my marriages. Joint accounts and everything treated as joint money. 
In my first marriage I inherited some money from my dad. It was all used for the whole family. A little work on the house, a family car, paying off credit cards etc. To me if you are married there is no yours and mine. Like in the marriage vows, with all my worldly goods I thee endow.
If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be married. That's why I would never get a prenup.


----------



## Beach123

Also, I would see if there’s a way to get her off the deed to the home you paid for over 20 years.
Why did she get to earn the 20 years of equity by simply saying I do?
Considering her selfish nature is showing - I’d move your money back into your name only.
I’m not sure you can get past a resentment like this, she didn’t keep her word - and now you can’t trust her.

Why did her other three marriages end?


----------



## Mr. Nail

Diana7 said:


> with all my worldly goods I thee endow


interesting vow. I've never read the book of common prayer before. Assuming that was the set of vows used in this instance, She did not pledge her worldly goods. As in India custom, she retained her security.


----------



## CountryMike

Wow. 14 pages of replies in two days.


----------



## In Absentia

CountryMike said:


> Wow. 14 pages of replies in two days.


and still we have no idea of what's going on...


----------



## Mista Brightside

NTA said:


> Does she have a lot of clothes or a lot of other items that depreciate the moment that you buy. then some people are more experience oriented does she travel a lot?


Nothing out of the ordinary, she travels for work but not out of state.


----------



## Mista Brightside

moulinyx said:


> Marriage counseling will be helpful. There are so many ways to handle finances and I personally wish my husband and I had separate bank accounts. However, that is because I feel like he is controlling and I get tired of being needled for every purchase I make despite making 3x what he does.
> 
> Maybe she feels stress from previous relationships and just wants to feel like she can have discretionary funds without having discussions about it? This may not be as big of a red flag as others are saying.
> [/QUO


She is very controlling. Thank you for the input.


----------



## Mista Brightside

heartsbeating said:


> Okay I'm committing TAM sin by jumping in at page 7 and answering this as a general question, as it relates to the opening post.
> 
> Be forewarned, I tend to reply through personal experiences. My husband and I met young. Before we opened a shared bank account and closed our own, I did stipulate that I needed to see him reducing his credit card use and spending first. Basically, I was more the one to save and budget and did have hesitations. He was more the spender. We were living together (renting). I wasn't willing to take that step until seeing some different actions occurring, and which we worked out together. It wasn't something he had previously learned, despite independently supporting himself from aged 16. Got to the point where I felt comfortable, and we closed our individual accounts and started with the shared. No longer mine and his, just everything merged together. That was over 25 years ago now. Over time, we have balanced one another out in terms of financial approach, and with him being more willing to take risks versus me being more risk averse. Both has served us well in different ways and times. To answer your question, if I discovered that he'd secretly kept his own account, and unwilling to openly share what's coming in and flowing out then yes, I'd find it unsettling. And as we've always both been across such things. Moreover, I'd need to understand WHY.
> 
> Commencing a relationship and deciding whether to share finances and such as seasoned adults is quite different to what I described; particularly before really knowing the other person and what they're about. I'd imagine the feeling of going back on what was actively agreed, would still be unsettling. And again, particularly without understanding WHY. I'm aware of some couples that married later in life and eventually transitioned to merging all finances and assets, and it's all been fine between them. I'm also aware that with a particular couple, 'finances' as just its own topic caused major issues (and that was one of many that led to divorce).
> 
> If it was agreed upon, and then your wife not only didn't participate but seemingly covered that she kept her own account, I'd really want to understand the reasoning. Not necessarily from a defensive stance (once emotion subsides), more just really wanting to understand her more and what that's all about. However, I read that you have since gone back to your own account and such. That makes sense and I think that it's wise that you did.


Thanks you for the input! For the record it was her idea to go joint, i really didn't care either way.


----------



## Mista Brightside

heartsbeating said:


> This gets a solid YUP!


Absolutely...without trust you got nuthin'!


----------



## Mista Brightside

heartsbeating said:


> Okay wait, now I'm confused. If she's transferring from her own account into the shared/joint account - then how is her own account a secret? I get another part of this is her not showing you statements and such, yet the account itself is not much of a secret if you can see funds being transferred in. Or am I missing something here?


The account is secret because she will not let me have access or review any statements. It's not secret in the sense that i don't know about it, obviously. How would you feel if that was done to you? How would you react? What actions would you take? Thanks for the response.


----------



## Mista Brightside

heartsbeating said:


> Okay, this answered my previous question (read after posting). Please ignore that last post of mine!


All good...thank you for chiming in. Please tell me how you would feel and what actions would you take.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> It's been the situation in both my marriages. Joint accounts and everything treated as joint money.
> In my first marriage I inherited some money from my dad. It was all used for the whole family. A little work on the house, a family car, paying off credit cards etc. To me if you are married there is no yours and mine. Like in the marriage vows, with all my worldly goods I thee endow.
> If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be married. That's why I would never get a prenup.


Thank you and i agree 100%!


----------



## Mista Brightside

Beach123 said:


> Also, I would see if there’s a way to get her off the deed to the home you paid for over 20 years.
> Why did she get to earn the 20 years of equity by simply saying I do?
> Considering her selfish nature is showing - I’d move your money back into your name only.
> I’m not sure you can get past a resentment like this, she didn’t keep her word - and now you can’t trust her.
> 
> Why did her other three marriages end?


My money will go into a personal account from now on and unfortunately, as some have pointed out, i will have to refinance the home to get her off...which i'm working on right now. Thank you for the input.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Mr. Nail said:


> interesting vow. I've never read the book of common prayer before. Assuming that was the set of vows used in this instance, She did not pledge her worldly goods. As in India custom, she retained her security.


We agreed to joint accounts, it was her idea, and i'm the only one who followed through with it.


----------



## Mista Brightside

mike93081 said:


> I am going to put it blunt. But first, read what you wrote and really think about the situation lol. If you have to, read it again.... Are alarm bells ringing yet?
> 
> You just got married and have a nearly paid for home that you added her name to. You set up joint accounts and transferred all your money to it. But you don't have access to her account. On top of that, she lives with her mother who is two hours away.
> 
> I would highly suggest you go get your money out of that joint account, get her name off your home and look into an annulment.... I am not being mean, but seriously? You don't see that she is about to take all your money, wait until the one year mark to divorce you and get half the value of the house 🤣. Wake up! Get to your bank as soon as they open this morning..... This is not a marriage, but a scam


Of course alarm bells are ringing! Why else would i be here? The rest is being worked on as i type this. Thank you for your input.


----------



## drencrom

RebuildingMe said:


> Dude, why are you so worried about the site or if posters are hurting your feelings? You have bigger fish to fry. You should be searching up lawyers in your area like yesterday. She’s going to steamroll you for your assets. You’re husband #4. She’s a pro at this. Lawyer up!


Yes, lawyer up. But do it quietly. Start having your lawyer draw up a plan and do not let her know you are doing it. Get a leg up on the process and when she finds out you get a lawyer, @Mista Brightside, do NOT talk to her about ANYTHING. Tell her to have her lawyer talk to yours.


----------



## drencrom

Mista Brightside said:


> 401k according to her. But I still haven't seen it.


You will during the divorce proceedings and discovery.


----------



## bobert

Diana7 said:


> It's been the situation in both my marriages. Joint accounts and everything treated as joint money.
> In my first marriage I inherited some money from my dad. It was all used for the whole family. A little work on the house, a family car, paying off credit cards etc. To me if you are married there is no yours and mine. Like in the marriage vows, with all my worldly goods I thee endow.
> If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be married. That's why I would never get a prenup.


Well, neither of us said "with all my worldly goods I thee endow" in our vows. I've never even heard anyone else say that. We also have a postnup  The horror!

To each their own.


----------



## Diana7

Mr. Nail said:


> interesting vow. I've never read the book of common prayer before. Assuming that was the set of vows used in this instance, She did not pledge her worldly goods. As in India custom, she retained her security.


It's the vows most used in church marriages here.


----------



## Diana7

bobert said:


> Well, neither of us said "with all my worldly goods I thee endow" in our vows. I've never even heard anyone else say that. We also have a postnup  The horror!
> 
> To each their own.


Whether I said them or not it's all part of being married and being one together.


----------



## Blondilocks

bobert said:


> Well, neither of us said "with all my worldly goods I thee endow" in our vows. I've never even heard anyone else say that. We also have a postnup  The horror!
> 
> To each their own.


When you were a teenager and pursuing your missus, did you have any idea she would eventually come into money?

I think your wife has been generous with her inheritance. You no longer have to worry about the mortgage and you got a lakeside home to boot.

It's actually foreign to me that spouses think they have a right to the other's inheritance.


----------



## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> When you were a teenager and pursuing your missus, did you have any idea she would eventually come into money?
> 
> I think your wife has been generous with her inheritance. You no longer have to worry about the mortgage and you got a lakeside home to boot.
> 
> It's actually foreign to me that spouses think they have a right to the other's inheritance.


Yes, having zero equity is awesome!!!


----------



## Blondilocks

drencrom said:


> Yes, having zero equity is awesome!!!


Why do you think he has zero equity?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Sfort said:


> Half of the content is OP thanking people for posting.


True...I try and thank everyone who took time out of their day to help a hurting stranger in need 😊 OP?


----------



## Chaotic

OP is original poster.


----------



## Diana7

Blondilocks said:


> When you were a teenager and pursuing your missus, did you have any idea she would eventually come into money?
> 
> I think your wife has been generous with her inheritance. You no longer have to worry about the mortgage and you got a lakeside home to boot.
> 
> It's actually foreign to me that spouses think they have a right to the other's inheritance.


It's foreign to me that it wouldn't be considered joint money to a couple who are committed in marriage. 
Honestly if I had been left millions I would be more than happy to share it with my spouse, children, parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and anyone else who I could bless with it. I certainly wouldn't need it all for myself.


----------



## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> Why do you think he has zero equity?


If we are talking about bobert, this led me to believe he has no equity, or very little, unless he has property somewhere else.



bobert said:


> This is the main reason my wife and I have separate accounts at this point. She inherited a large sum of money (millions) and a property worth over a million, and is very careful to keep it from becoming a marital asset. Same with the property, she won't let me contribute anything towards the upkeep.


Just going by what he said here. @bobert can clarify if I'm mistaken.


----------



## Blondilocks

drencrom said:


> If we are talking about bobert, this led me to believe he has no equity, or very little, unless he has property somewhere else.
> 
> 
> 
> Just going by what he said here. @bobert can clarify if I'm mistaken.


The property she inherited is not their marital home or his lakefront home.


----------



## bobert

Blondilocks said:


> When you were a teenager and pursuing your missus, did you have any idea she would eventually come into money?
> 
> I think your wife has been generous with her inheritance. You no longer have to worry about the mortgage and you got a lakeside home to boot.
> 
> It's actually foreign to me that spouses think they have a right to the other's inheritance.


No, I didn't know about it until after we married. She was gifted $120k for the down payment on our house and that was my first hint. Her family is loaded but they don't show it off at all, are insanely frugal, etc., and her mom came into most of her money after we married. My wife is an only child so unless her parents do something stupid there is a lot more coming some day. 

It's her money, I'm not complaining. It has been used for things for the family, she just doesn't want it split 50/50 if we divorce and that's fair. She did donate millions and I wasn't happy about that but again, her it's her money and it's not like we needed it to survive. 



drencrom said:


> If we are talking about bobert, this led me to believe he has no equity, or very little, unless he has property somewhere else.
> 
> 
> 
> Just going by what he said here. @bobert can clarify if I'm mistaken.


My wife inherited a lake house. We bought a second lake house that, if we divorce, goes to me even though her inheritance paid for it. And we have our house, which just appraised for $1 million more than we paid for it.


----------



## MarmiteC

My husband and I never had a joint bank account. I was the main earner and my husband told me he felt a little emasculated by this. Our arrangement, for no other reason other than it never got sorted differently, was that we would each contribute 50% towards the household bills, mortgage etc, but that I would pay for holidays and 100% of the food bill to counter my increased earnings. In theory that left us with a similar amount of disposable income each. We had individual savings accounts also.

As I was the one who set up all the bills on our home, all bills came out of my personal account, he just transferred me 50% monthly. Over the years, my earnings grew significantly more than his did, so it became an even greater disparity. I offered to open a joint account to move everything there, so solve how he felt about things. He always hesitated. I still don't know why.

Despite this, we had full transparency of each other's accounts. Nothing was hidden. If he felt short one month, I'd just transfer some money to his account. Job done.

Credit cards were in individual names also. I did get a credit card in his name on my account once though, so that if he needed to pick up groceries I was still paying it. He never once used it.

Now we're divorcing this has made that side so much simpler.

Moving forward would I have a joint account, I genuinely don't know. I've kind of become independent 😆 

OP, could your wife have a gambling issue or something that she's hiding and the reason why she won't share with you?


----------



## drencrom

bobert said:


> No, I didn't know about it until after we married. She was gifted $120k for the down payment on our house and that was my first hint. Her family is loaded but they don't show it off at all, are insanely frugal, etc., and her mom came into most of her money after we married. My wife is an only child so unless her parents do something stupid there is a lot more coming some day.
> 
> It's her money, I'm not complaining. It has been used for things for the family, she just doesn't want it split 50/50 if we divorce and that's fair. She did donate millions and I wasn't happy about that but again, her it's her money and it's not like we needed it to survive.
> 
> 
> 
> My wife inherited a lake house. We bought a second lake house that, if we divorce, goes to me even though her inheritance paid for it. And we have our house, which just appraised for $1 million more than we paid for it.


That being the case, Blondi has a point. As far as finances and having a lake house that is paid for by her inheritance and you get it free and clear if you divorce, I'd have loved to have had that when I got divorced. On top of that you have a marital home that you will split the equity/value.

So I say divorce and live a great life!


----------



## EleGirl

Mista Brightside said:


> True...I try and thank everyone who took time out of their day to help a hurting stranger in need 😊 OP?


You don't need to explain you being very active on your thread. I wish more users would do that. Many just post a few times and then leave... leaving all those who put time into their issues wondering what happened.


----------



## EleGirl

Mista Brightside said:


> True...I try and thank everyone who took time out of their day to help a hurting stranger in need 😊 OP?


Common Message Board Abbreviations & Acronyms | Talk About Marriage


----------



## EleGirl

Diana7 said:


> It's foreign to me that it wouldn't be considered joint money to a couple who are committed in marriage.
> Honestly if I had been left millions I would be more than happy to share it with my spouse, children, parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and anyone else who I could bless with it. I certainly wouldn't need it all for myself.


It's the law here in every state in the US. It was also the law under Jewish law which became Christian law. Even Islamic law, Shariah, is this way. Inheritance belongs only to the inheritor. 

The reason for this is to protect the inheritor. Not all spouses are good people. Some of us end up married to people who do not have good intent.

Sadly when Christianity become the major religion in Europe, the Europeans kept the concept that all inheritance of his and his wife's belonged to the husband.


----------



## EleGirl

drencrom said:


> If we are talking about bobert, this led me to believe he has no equity, or very little, unless he has property somewhere else.
> 
> Just going by what he said here. @bobert can clarify if I'm mistaken.


He has zero equity in the property her parent left to her. Inheritance is separate property.

If he and his wife bought a house together, He has equity in that home.


----------



## drencrom

EleGirl said:


> He has zero equity in the property her parent left to her. Inheritance is separate property.
> 
> If he and his wife bought a house together, He has equity in that home.


Yes, and he clarified that. He is actually in the catbird seat. He has a home fully paid for through her inheritance that is his if they divorce, and they have marital property with a value of over $1 million that he will have half equity in. 

So if they divorce, not much to complain about with regards to division of assets. He'll do great.


----------



## Beach123

Mista Brightside said:


> My money will go into a personal account from now on and unfortunately, as some have pointed out, i will have to refinance the home to get her off...which i'm working on right now. Thank you for the input.


Close the joint account today. Move that money back into your name only!

She didn’t keep her word. She represented herself with false info - and trust is gone.

I’d consider divorcing her. She isn’t who she said she was.


----------



## Beach123

Diana7 said:


> It's the vows most used in church marriages here.


It isn’t. Those vows are extreme… 
I’ve been to two formal church weddings in the past year and never heard those confining vows!
In fact - I’ve never used those words in any church wedding before!

I’ve heard “love, honor and obey” - but realistically now a days - even those are archaic.


----------



## onelife2live

Mista Brightside said:


> I've been married for 4 months now. We decided on joint accounts and after we were married i immediately transfered all monies from my personal account into our joint account along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years. She never did the same with her account. I waited and waited hoping she would get it done. In the beginning it was because she was having issues with the banks and our new account. But when i asked her about it last week and what was taking so long she claimed that i "scare her when it comes to money" and she's keeping that account to protect us. I've given her no reason to believe i'm irresponsible with money. The account is in her name only, i have no access and she openly refused to show me a statement when i asked. This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house. She claims now that she will share statemens with me but claims she will only do that in person, which is tough being that she is living almost 2 hours away. I really need some advice here. How would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? I would like to hear from both husbands and wives. Thanks in advance!


Please please please keep your own separate/personal accounts (you can add your spouse as POD, but not as a joint owner) and also have a joint account. Let the joint account be for bill money. You can also open a joint savings if you wish, totally fine. My spouse is bad with money and doesn’t know how to budget. We allot what is needed for the household into the bill acct and the remainder goes into our personal account to do what the other person wishes. This way you can avoid arguments, over spending, etc.


----------



## Beach123

Do you even want to stay married to her now that she’s shown she’s untrustworthy?


----------



## Anastasia6

Mista Brightside said:


> That's because i didn't go into detail because it was irrelevant and nobody's business. The rest of what you said i can agree with. Also, it should be noted that the first night i did say: "Feel free to spend the night at your mom's" because i was just so disguted and dissapointed i didn't even want to look at her. The choice to stay at her mom's is on her.


No that's on you. YOu are mad at her and tell her to feel free to stay there. THat is just the same as saying I don't want you to come home. She did what you wished.


----------



## Beach123

Instead of telling her to stay at her moms place - she get don’t you sit her down and see what she says.
You tell her what you expect.
She tells you what she expects
Then see if there is any common ground with your expectations to hers.
If it looks like you two aren’t aligned - be prepared to let her know this doesn’t work for you.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

I have to tell you guys I always have advised my female friends to always keep a little small secret amount of money in case something happens unexpected such as wife abuse. Seen it many times that a man will go straight and hide the money when he knows he's about to get in trouble. A woman needs to have at least a couple thousand put away safe whether it's in a relative's bank account or whatever in case she needs to get away suddenly.

One of my friends that I told that to 40 years ago remembered it and thanked me for it. Her husband was fine until he got a head injury that changed him to another person. She said having that little secret stash of money really bailed her out. He was doing things like running off to California with a virtual stranger and just ended up degenerating until he literally died.

Another one of my friends has stayed with a man who has threatened to just run off to another country where she can't get to him or money if she tried to divorce him. So she put some of her money in with her mom.

You can trust all you want and you shouldn't stay in a relationship where tou really have no trust, but people do. And really far as money is concerned what I've seen you can't trust anyone in the middle of a divorce or after physical abuse or any of that.

My advice was based on personal experience from my childhood after my dad hit my mother. She had no more than $8 to her name and had to leave home and get a motel. I'm pretty sure she had to borrow money from relatives. Men will use money to control a woman.


----------



## Anastasia6

Ok finally got to the end.

Thoughts. I think it isn't a good feeling that she didn't follow through on joint accounts.
I think at both your ages it isn't unreasonable to just keep everything separate. You should refinance in your name only and if she is on the deed she should sign it back to you.
You should split some expenses 50/50 but the house not so much because it is your asset. She should pay some rent.

I think that after being married 3 times and at least once to a controlling man would make most woman pause and think about keeping the money separate. I also find your obsession with finding out about her money odd since you claim you didn't really care about being joint or separate. You do know that many couples keep things separate and they don't all share all the gory details that's the idea of separate. 

You say she makes more money and has a 450k retirement. How much retirement do you have? You have boats and cars those are just depreciating assets. The house is worth something but you can't retire in a paid for house without upkeep money and property taxes.

So you both are older and come with your own stuff. If it were me I'd ask her about reverting the joint stuff including the mortgage and deed on the house. Both of you sign a post-nup sayin what's yours is yours and what's hers is hers.

By telling her to 'feel free to stay at your moms' you are also passive aggressively claiming the house anyway. Making it feel like yours. Most people at age 50 have their lives effected by those who came before us. You were cheated on so the 'lying' triggers you even though at this point there doesn't seem to be any harm done as she hasn't taken anything of yours and has paid into the joint account. She's been married to 3 men and there seems to have been some controlling and abusive behavior. Women often get trapped or threatened by money. If you leave I'm going to cut your off or put you on the street and when there's kids involved even more so because the woman frequently ends up responsible for their housing and food. Maybe she is experiencing these triggers as well.

If you two love each other and you don't care as you said then just revert the money. There's no need to combine. 
A post nup and her signing the reverse paperwork out to do it. Unless you are more controlling than you claim. It's been a day. Have you even asked her about just having her sign the mortgage and deed back to you?

And stop pressuring her about her finances. 

I think Evinrude hit the nail on the head earlier. What you've done with the just go to your moms or I'm sorry, "feel free to stay at your moms" is way more destructive. She's trying to salvage something by sending you screen shots and probably fighting her own demons. You say she walks away but you sent her away. If I were her I'd be done. Of course I wouldn't have handled it the way she did either. I think maybe she liked the idea but is having trouble because of past experience. But so far it doesn't seem like she has taken anything from you or went digging for gold. You have driven a wedge firmly in the marriage.


----------



## Mista Brightside

MarmiteC said:


> My husband and I never had a joint bank account. I was the main earner and my husband told me he felt a little emasculated by this. Our arrangement, for no other reason other than it never got sorted differently, was that we would each contribute 50% towards the household bills, mortgage etc, but that I would pay for holidays and 100% of the food bill to counter my increased earnings. In theory that left us with a similar amount of disposable income each. We had individual savings accounts also.
> 
> As I was the one who set up all the bills on our home, all bills came out of my personal account, he just transferred me 50% monthly. Over the years, my earnings grew significantly more than his did, so it became an even greater disparity. I offered to open a joint account to move everything there, so solve how he felt about things. He always hesitated. I still don't know why.
> 
> Despite this, we had full transparency of each other's accounts. Nothing was hidden. If he felt short one month, I'd just transfer some money to his account. Job done.
> 
> Credit cards were in individual names also. I did get a credit card in his name on my account once though, so that if he needed to pick up groceries I was still paying it. He never once used it.
> 
> Now we're divorcing this has made that side so much simpler.
> 
> Moving forward would I have a joint account, I genuinely don't know. I've kind of become independent 😆
> 
> OP, could your wife have a gambling issue or something that she's hiding and the reason why she won't share with you?


I honestly don't think so. She says she's going to show me but she felt attacked and insulted when I asked to see the account statements. So she responded by telling me to pound sand. Time will tell. Thank you so much.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Beach123 said:


> Do you even want to stay married to her now that she’s shown she’s untrustworthy?


I'm very hurt and frustrated at the moment. I'm going to give it time and let everything play out. Then I'll make decision.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Anastasia6 said:


> No that's on you. YOu are mad at her and tell her to feel free to stay there. THat is just the same as saying I don't want you to come home. She did what you wished.


Her staying beyond that point is on her. Especially being I asked her to come back.Thanks for the input.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Beach123 said:


> Instead of telling her to stay at her moms place - she get don’t you sit her down and see what she says.
> You tell her what you expect.
> She tells you what she expects
> Then see if there is any common ground with your expectations to hers.
> If it looks like you two aren’t aligned - be prepared to let her know this doesn’t work for you.


We are doing that now...she's coming home tomorrow. Still keeping counselor appointments. Thank you.


----------



## Beach123

Do you think she has what she told you she had?
What do you think she is hiding? Maybe her spending?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok finally got to the end.
> 
> Thoughts. I think it isn't a good feeling that she didn't follow through on joint accounts.
> I think at both your ages it isn't unreasonable to just keep everything separate. You should refinance in your name only and if she is on the deed she should sign it back to you.
> You should split some expenses 50/50 but the house not so much because it is your asset. She should pay some rent.
> 
> I think that after being married 3 times and at least once to a controlling man would make most woman pause and think about keeping the money separate. I also find your obsession with finding out about her money odd since you claim you didn't really care about being joint or separate. You do know that many couples keep things separate and they don't all share all the gory details that's the idea of separate.
> 
> You say she makes more money and has a 450k retirement. How much retirement do you have? You have boats and cars those are just depreciating assets. The house is worth something but you can't retire in a paid for house without upkeep money and property taxes.
> 
> So you both are older and come with your own stuff. If it were me I'd ask her about reverting the joint stuff including the mortgage and deed on the house. Both of you sign a post-nup sayin what's yours is yours and what's hers is hers.
> 
> By telling her to 'feel free to stay at your moms' you are also passive aggressively claiming the house anyway. Making it feel like yours. Most people at age 50 have their lives effected by those who came before us. You were cheated on so the 'lying' triggers you even though at this point there doesn't seem to be any harm done as she hasn't taken anything of yours and has paid into the joint account. She's been married to 3 men and there seems to have been some controlling and abusive behavior. Women often get trapped or threatened by money. If you leave I'm going to cut your off or put you on the street and when there's kids involved even more so because the woman frequently ends up responsible for their housing and food. Maybe she is experiencing these triggers as well.
> 
> If you two love each other and you don't care as you said then just revert the money. There's no need to combine.
> A post nup and her signing the reverse paperwork out to do it. Unless you are more controlling than you claim. It's been a day. Have you even asked her about just having her sign the mortgage and deed back to you?
> 
> And stop pressuring her about her finances.
> 
> I think Evinrude hit the nail on the head earlier. What you've done with the just go to your moms or I'm sorry, "feel free to stay at your moms" is way more destructive. She's trying to salvage something by sending you screen shots and probably fighting her own demons. You say she walks away but you sent her away. If I were her I'd be done. Of course I wouldn't have handled it the way she did either. I think maybe she liked the idea but is having trouble because of past experience. But so far it doesn't seem like she has taken anything from you or went digging for gold. You have driven a wedge firmly in the marriage.



I disagree, it's what we agreed on and her idea. I didn't care either way.
I own another home and 2 properties.
You're wrong there, I couldn't care less about the money or the amount of times she's been married. I care about my wife keeping secrets from me. Wouldn't you?
Working on that as posted prior.
I was hurt and devastated. This is a non-issue with her so it should be for you as well. This was posted prior.
Abusive - yes, controlling - no. SHE's controlling and she admits this as posted prior.
We are working on it.
It has nothing to do with finances as posted prior. Absolutely nothing.
I 100% disagree with me telling her "feel free to stay with her mom tonight" is more destructive than keeping secrets from your spouse and then lying about. Especially considering which came first.
Thanks for chiming in.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Beach123 said:


> Do you think she has what she told you she had?
> What do you think she is hiding? Maybe her spending?


I have no idea...what got me is her refusal to be transparent. She is claiming that she was upset with me for calling her out and she is going to provide me with everything I ask. She's coming home tomorrow.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

That's very telling that she won't let you see her bank statements fully. She keeps her account to herself after it was her idea of joining all bank accounts and putting her name on the house. To me this looks like she wants her name on the house and access to your money, but you have no right to see her account? Get her name off the house and go back to your own bank accounts. She has shown she is very deceitful.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


----------



## Evinrude58

Mr,
Try and remember that how you feel about things and how she feels about things may be very different. I think you have every right as her husband to see her accounts and she has every right to see yours. Do you have a right to what is in her accounts, I don’t think so unless it was earned after the wedding, and then only half. But you are right in expecting some transparency. If she can’t trust YOU, why should she expect you to trust her?
But again, you May feel it’s not as destructive to tell her she’s free to leave, but that may not be how she feels. She’s coming back, great. But does that mean she’s not very hurt And that you have damaged her feelings for you or caused her to feel she’s living in your house and not “our” house? Will she be transparent with you in her finances now? She should because your feelings of being deceived and being untrusted—- they count, too.

One last thing. Try to remember that you being right is not always as important as how you make her feel. Try to communicate with her and tell her how you feel, how her actions have made you feel that way. But also listen to her fears aNd how your actions have made her feel. 

I wish you much luck in solving this problem with your wife and moving forward with no resentment on either side, so you can both put this behind you and have a happy marriage.
Have a great weekend.


----------



## Beach123

Give her plenty of time to talk and express herself.
Then let her know how it broke your trust when she didn’t keep her word.
See how she reacts and what she offers. 
Let her know that being untrustworthy isn’t going to make this marriage work.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Mista Brightside said:


> I have no idea...what got me is her refusal to be transparent. She is claiming that she was upset with me for calling her out and she is going to provide me with everything I ask. She's coming home tomorrow.


i agree with you when it was her idea first ,


----------



## In Absentia

Mista Brightside said:


> I honestly don't think so. She says she's going to show me but she felt attacked and insulted when I asked to see the account statements. So she responded by telling me to pound sand. Time will tell. Thank you so much.


This is the mistake you made... asking her to see her statement. You should have closed the joint account without telling her. If she questioned you, then you could have explained that you got fed up with waiting for her to close her account and that it was unfair on you.


----------



## frenchpaddy

In Absentia said:


> This is the mistake you made... asking her to see her statement. You should have closed the joint account without telling her. If she questioned you, then you could have explained that you got fed up with waiting for her to close her account and that it was unfair on you.


i agree except i would tell her i was going back to the way it was as she did not put in her half


----------



## Tested_by_stress

My wife and I have a joint checking account and we each have a savings account. She's been married 3 times? You do realize who the common denominator in those marriages is right?


----------



## Quad73

DownByTheRiver said:


> I have to tell you guys I always have advised my female friends to always keep a little small secret amount of money in case something happens unexpected such as wife abuse. Seen it many times that a man will go straight and hide the money when he knows he's about to get in trouble. A woman needs to have Lisa a couple thousand put away safe whether it's in a relative bank account or whatever in case she needs to get away suddenly.
> 
> One of my friends that I told that to 40 years ago remembered it and thanked me for it. Her husband was fine until he got a head injury that changed him to another person. She said having that little secret stash of money really bailed her out. He was doing things like running off to California with a virtual stranger and just ended up degenerating until he literally died.
> 
> Another one of my friends has stayed with a man who has threatened to just run off to another country where she can't get to him or money if she tried to divorce him. So she put some of her money in with her mom.
> 
> You can trust all you want and you shouldn't stay in a relationship where tou really have no trust, but people do. And really far as money is concerned what I've seen you can't trust anyone in the middle of a divorce or after physical abuse or any of that.
> 
> My advice was based on personal experience from my childhood after my dad hit my mother. She had no more than $8 to her name and had to leave home and get a motel. I'm pretty sure she had to borrow money from relatives. Men we'll use money to control a woman.


Being a guy with no ill intent, I'd never considered this. Thanks for opening my eyes to this reality. Sobering. 

The situation here is different I think. She doesn't want to share info re activities in her main account, not hide a small stash on the side.


----------



## Diana7

EleGirl said:


> It's the law here in every state in the US. It was also the law under Jewish law which became Christian law. Even Islamic law, Shariah, is this way. Inheritance belongs only to the inheritor.
> 
> The reason for this is to protect the inheritor. Not all spouses are good people. Some of us end up married to people who do not have good intent.
> 
> Sadly when Christianity become the major religion in Europe, the Europeans kept the concept that all inheritance of his and his wife's belonged to the husband.


For me it would always be our money. Not mine or his. 
I don't need much to live on and I live sharing and giving so I would never see an inheritance as mine.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Anastasia6 said:


> No that's on you. YOu are mad at her and tell her to feel free to stay there. THat is just the same as saying I don't want you to come home. She did what you wished.


Then we disagree, which is fine. Thanks.


----------



## Mista Brightside

In Absentia said:


> This is the mistake you made... asking her to see her statement. You should have closed the joint account without telling her. If she questioned you, then you could have explained that you got fed up with waiting for her to close her account and that it was unfair on you.


Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.


----------



## Mista Brightside

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> That's very telling that she won't let you see her bank statements fully. She keeps her account to herself after it was her idea of joining all bank accounts and putting her name on the house. To me this looks like she wants her name on the house and access to your money, but you have no right to see her account? Get her name off the house and go back to your own bank accounts. She has shown she is very deceitful.
> 
> When you walk through a storm
> Hold your head up high
> And don't be afraid of the dark
> 
> 
> YNWA


Thank you so much for your input.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Evinrude58 said:


> Mr,
> Try and remember that how you feel about things and how she feels about things may be very different. I think you have every right as her husband to see her accounts and she has every right to see yours. Do you have a right to what is in her accounts, I don’t think so unless it was earned after the wedding, and then only half. But you are right in expecting some transparency. If she can’t trust YOU, why should she expect you to trust her?
> But again, you May feel it’s not as destructive to tell her she’s free to leave, but that may not be how she feels. She’s coming back, great. But does that mean she’s not very hurt And that you have damaged her feelings for you or caused her to feel she’s living in your house and not “our” house? Will she be transparent with you in her finances now? She should because your feelings of being deceived and being untrusted—- they count, too.
> 
> One last thing. Try to remember that you being right is not always as important as how you make her feel. Try to communicate with her and tell her how you feel, how her actions have made you feel that way. But also listen to her fears aNd how your actions have made her feel.
> 
> I wish you much luck in solving this problem with your wife and moving forward with no resentment on either side, so you can both put this behind you and have a happy marriage.
> Have a great weekend.


I've stated repeatedly that it is a non-issue for her. She said she understood 100% about me asking her to "feel free to stay at her mom's". And that it has absolutely nothing to do with being right or the money, nothing... it has to do with transparency, honesty and holding to an agreement.
Thank you for your input.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Beach123 said:


> Give her plenty of time to talk and express herself.
> Then let her know how it broke your trust when she didn’t keep her word.
> See how she reacts and what she offers.
> Let her know that being untrustworthy isn’t going to make this marriage work.


Thank you so much.


----------



## Evinrude58

Her reaction to you asking to see the statement..... feeling insulted???? Wth???
No, that’s actually pretty telling. YOU were the injured party here. You did what you said you’d do, showed your wife you were all in with the marriage. SHE, however, withheld information and has failed totally to keep her word. You’re not interested in getting her money, you just want to know the financial situation for both of you. You are 100% in the right. The only thing you’ve done wrong is “offer for her to stay at her mothers”.

She has dug her heels in. It will be interesting to see if she ever does show you her bank statements. I wouldn’t have any problem if she kept a savings account separate, but I would expect to see the statement. It’s not right to hide things from one’s spouse.

just remember that who is right doesn’t necessarily mean much when feelings are hurt.
I do worry for you that she is showing she’s not all in on the marriage like you are.


----------



## Evinrude58

Mista Brightside said:


> I've stated repeatedly that it is a non-issue for her. She said she understood 100% about me asking her to "feel free to stay at her mom's". And that it has absolutely nothing to do with being right or the money, nothing... it has to do with transparency, honesty and holding to an agreement.
> Thank you for your input.


So............ is she going to now be transparent? She’s clearly hiding something.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Evinrude58 said:


> Her reaction to you asking to see the statement..... feeling insulted???? Wth???
> No, that’s actually pretty telling. YOU were the injured party here. You did what you said you’d do, showed your wife you were all in with the marriage. SHE, however, withheld information and has failed totally to keep her word. You’re not interested in getting her money, you just want to know the financial situation for both of you. You are 100% in the right. The only thing you’ve done wrong is “offer for her to stay at her mothers”.
> 
> She has dug her heels in. It will be interesting to see if she ever does show you her bank statements. I wouldn’t have any problem if she kept a savings account separate, but I would expect to see the statement. It’s not right to hide things from one’s spouse.
> 
> just remember that who is right doesn’t necessarily mean much when feelings are hurt.
> I do worry for you that she is showing she’s not all in on the marriage like you are.


Agreed and thank you.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Evinrude58 said:


> So............ is she going to now be transparent? She’s clearly hiding something.


We wil see and i will keep everyone posted as to the turn-out. Thank you!


----------



## Trident

Why don't you challenge yourself? Most of us don't change all that much once we get into our 20's and beyond. Although we'd like to believe otherwise, most of us are rigid, inflexible, and fixed in our ways. We take a perspective on life and we don't waver much if at all, rarely if ever do we concede our side of an argument even if deep down we suspect we might be wrong.

I suggest you step back and look at things differently, however difficult it may be. Why don't you simply accept that for whatever reasons, whether its lack of trust in you, or all men due to previous relationships, or sexual abuse by a trusted caregiver or anxiety or paranoia or whatever, that your wife needs the security of her secret bank account.

Let her have it and stop obsessing and whining and getting all bent out of shape about it. You share expenses, she carries her share of the load, let it alone. You have your money and assets, and she has hers. As you suggested earlier, calmly explain that you respect her decision, you will not bother her about it anymore, but that much being said you will do the same with your finances, and keep them separate and they're not up for discussion. Take her name off the mortgage and the deed if it's even on there, and enjoy your life together.

If she has more sinister motivations for keeping her money separate, that will play out over time, but there's no reason to suspect that's the case.

In other words: Broaden your horizons and take the high road. Although opinions vary widely on this thread, you are coming across as a controlling pouty A-hole and I can almost guarantee she's feeling it and is probably very conflicted because clearly she cares about you but she's struggling with the attitude. Other than the secret bank account it sounds like things are pretty good, why throw it all away? It's not like she's sitting home all day eating Bon-Bons while you're working 3 jobs and paying all the bills. If that was the case you might have a valid argument.


----------



## Livvie

Trident said:


> Why don't you challenge yourself? Most of us don't change all that much once we get into our 20's and beyond. Although we'd like to believe otherwise, most of us are rigid, inflexible, and fixed in our ways. We take a perspective on life and we don't waver much if at all, rarely if ever do we concede our side of an argument even if deep down we suspect we might be wrong.
> 
> I suggest you step back and look at things differently, however difficult it may be. Why don't you simply accept that for whatever reasons, whether its lack of trust in you, or all men due to previous relationships, or sexual abuse by a trusted caregiver or anxiety or paranoia or whatever, that your wife needs the security of her secret bank account.
> 
> Let her have it and stop obsessing and whining and getting all bent out of shape about it. You share expenses, she carries her share of the load, let it alone. You have your money and assets, and she has hers. As you suggested earlier, calmly explain that you respect her decision, you will not bother her about it anymore, but that much being said you will do the same with your finances, and keep them separate and they're not up for discussion. Take her name off the mortgage and the deed if it's even on there, and enjoy your life together.
> 
> If she has more sinister motivations for keeping her money separate, that will play out over time, but there's no reason to suspect that's the case.
> 
> In other words: Broaden your horizons and take the high road. Although opinions vary widely on this thread, you are coming across as a controlling pouty A-hole and I can almost guarantee she's feeling it and is probably very conflicted because clearly she cares about you but she's struggling with the attitude. Other than the secret bank account it sounds like things are pretty good, why throw it all away? It's not like she's sitting home all day eating Bon-Bons while you're working 3 jobs and paying all the bills. If that was the case you might have a valid argument.


Well then they should really and truly have separate assets, a post nup, and split everything 50/50. Better yet, why even be married? They can still enjoy life together as separate financial entities without the danger of being screwed and losing more assets unfairly in a divorce down the line if they divorce now but keep a relationship.

If she needs her separate SECRET stuff she doesn't seem ready to be in another marriage. Just have a relationship, not a marriage. Marriage comes with the law of the land getting control of one's assets, and potentially giving them to the other party, in the event of a divorce. With that danger, someone should only marry another person they fully trust and are completely open with. This wife won't even show account numbers to her husband. Why should he stay in the vulnerable and risky state of marriage with her? He shouldn't.

Ditch the marriage part. Keep the relationship.


----------



## Trident

Livvie said:


> Well then they should really and truly have separate assets, a post nup, and split everything 50/50. Better yet, why even be married?


Agreed. I see no point in marriage. Especially a second marriage with no children. 

It's completely pointless. A marriage with a pre or post nup is like an umbrella full of holes, why even bother carrying one.


----------



## Diana7

Trident said:


> Agreed. I see no point in marriage. Especially a second marriage with no children.
> 
> It's completely pointless. A marriage with a pre or post nup is like an umbrella full of holes, why even bother carrying one.


I certainly wouldn't bother marrying after three divorces, I would stay single. Nor would I even think of marrying someone who had three failed marriages and was only 50, but I know many very good second marriages including mine so can't agree there is no point in them. Don't believe in pre or post nups anyway and would never ask for one or agree to one.


----------



## Blondilocks

I would also ask to see her last 3 years tax returns. Or, at least for as long as she has been single. Running a credit report wouldn't hurt, either. May as well get the good, the bad and ugly out of the way.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

If you're a woman, it's important to have that little emergency money in a secret place and not even let the man know you have it. Because if you're husband and wife and you're just putting it in separate accounts, all he has to do is beat you to the divorce lawyer and put a freeze on the accounts to keep you from having any money even if that money is in your account in your name only since it's joint assets or at least it is in some states. 

Plenty of men hide money from women too and they don't do it for very good reasons. 
My dad told me he had money hidden out of state that no one would ever find. When he died, we never did find it. 

Some women have very good reasons why they need to have a little secret stash in case they need to escape. If a man had a wife with a substance abuse problem or some sort of addiction, then he might be perfectly justified in hiding money too so she doesn't run it all up her arm or gamble it away. 

I would think all of the regulars on this form would understand the necessity for a woman to have some money put away that her husband couldn't touch and didn't know was there just based on all the many women who come on here upset because they are trying to get away from their husband but they can't because they have no money or think they have to have money to get an attorney. If they are filing for divorce then the money for the attorney can come out of the divorce settlement, but there are lots of times you might need to consult a attorney and need money up front when you're not quite ready to file papers. You might need to get an emergency restraining order and want an attorney to help you do that. Any number of reasons.

Women need to have some money to save themselves. 

As far as the situation this thread is particularly about, all of that needs to be talked about before getting married or living together. And you need to get down to the particulars. You need to already agree on if you each split the bills down the middle or if one of you is going to pay one thing and the other is going to pay another thing or if one of you is going to pay more than the other because one makes more money. 

It really doesn't matter if you have separate accounts as long as you both stick to your agreement about who's going to pay what. It's so easy to transfer money these days with Zelle. If one person goes online to pay the bills, all they need to do is get a total the other partner owes and the other partner could get on their account, and in one minute, they can transfer the money to a joint account to pay those bills. Or they could just each pay different bills and do it themselves and never have to transfer anything. 

One thing to remember is that if there is a contentious divorce, which account the money to pay the bills and the mortgage and everything else comes out of may affect the divorce settlement if one person is claiming that they paid all the bills. That's another reason I think separate accounts are best for paying the bills out of. If you're both paying your part, it will be obvious that you are both paying the bills equally out of your own accounts. If you are throwing it into a joint account to pay the bills, then make sure both your names are on that account so you get credit for paying the bills also. Because if you just transfer the money to pay the bills over to someone's account each month then it still looks like they are the one who is paying the bills come divorce settlement time. It's possible an accountant could sort that out by looking at the amount you're transferring and that sort of thing and your notes on that transfer, but all that costs money.

It's equally important to discuss whether you will have to both agree on purchases over a certain amount. I mean you are a couple and supposedly you have goals you're working toward. Very often one or both people lose sight of that. 

But if you can agree on the goal and how to reach it, it's a pretty simple matter. The problem is people don't agree on money. But say you're saving up $30,000 for a down payment on a house. Each person could either have their own savings account to set money aside in, so much each month, which is what I do for my property tax and home insurance, or they can make a joint account just for that purpose and both put money into it until they reach their goal. Just be sure both your names are on that account so that it's clear you both bought that house. 

There are a lot of people you can't trust with money. Me personally, I would be loathe to have a joint account for any purpose other than saving for a goal or to pay the monthly bills. 

If a married couple lasts into their old age, that's the time when you want to get both your names on your accounts in case someone goes in the hospital or dies. Of course you have about a 50/50 chance that one or the other couple will become mentally incompetent and could still ruin your livelihood because of a joint account. 

If you're a person who wants to have a joint account so that you can monitor what the other person is spending, in my opinion, you don't have enough trust to be marrying that person. You should know them well enough to know whether they're going to go spend a couple of hundred dollars on a lap dance before you get married or whether they're going to be enabling your stepson by giving him money to buy video games when he's 30 years old. You need to know those things before you get married. We need to know the person's ethics about money and they're spending habits before you get married.

Just having transparency doesn't solve the problem anyway.


----------



## Diana7

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you're a woman, it's important to have that little emergency money in a secret place and not even let the man know you have it. Because if you're husband and wife and you're just putting it in separate accounts, all he has to do is beat you to the divorce lawyer and put a freeze on the accounts to keep you from having any money even if that money is in your account in your name only since it's joint assets or at least it is in some states.
> 
> Plenty of men hide money from women too and they don't do it for very good reasons.
> My dad told me he had money hidden out of state that no one would ever find. When he died, we never did find it.
> 
> Some women have very good reasons why they need to have a little secret stash in case they need to escape. If a man had a wife with a substance abuse problem or some sort of addiction, then he might be perfectly justified in hiding money too so she doesn't run it all up her arm or gamble it away.
> 
> I would think all of the regulars on this form would understand the necessity for a woman to have some money put away that her husband couldn't touch and didn't know was there just based on all the many women who come on here upset because they are trying to get away from their husband but they can't because they have no money or think they have to have money to get an attorney. If they are filing for divorce then the money for the attorney can come out of the divorce settlement, but there are lots of times you might need to consult a attorney and need money up front when you're not quite ready to file papers. You might need to get an emergency restraining order and want an attorney to help you do that. Any number of reasons.
> 
> Women need to have some money to save themselves.
> 
> As far as the situation this thread is particularly about, all of that needs to be talked about before getting married or living together. And you need to get down to the particulars. You need to already agree on if you each split the bills down the middle or if one of you is going to pay one thing and the other is going to pay another thing or if one of you is going to pay more than the other because one makes more money.
> 
> It really doesn't matter if you have separate accounts as long as you both stick to your agreement about who's going to pay what. It's so easy to transfer money these days with Zelle. If one person goes online to pay the bills, all they need to do is get a total the other partner owes and the other partner could get on their account, and in one minute, they can transfer the money to a joint account to pay those bills. Or they could just each pay different bills and do it themselves and never have to transfer anything.
> 
> One thing to remember is that if there is a contentious divorce, which account the money to pay the bills and the mortgage and everything else comes out of may affect the divorce settlement if one person is claiming that they paid all the bills. That's another reason I think separate accounts are best for paying the bills out of. If you're both paying your part, it will be obvious that you are both paying the bills equally out of your own accounts. If you are throwing it into a joint account to pay the bills, then make sure both your names are on that account so you get credit for paying the bills also. Because if you just transfer the money to pay the bills over to someone's account each month then it still looks like they are the one who is paying the bills come divorce settlement time. It's possible an accountant could sort that out by looking at the amount you're transferring and that sort of thing and your notes on that transfer, but all that costs money.
> 
> It's equally important to discuss whether you will have to both agree on purchases over a certain amount. I mean you are a couple and supposedly you have goals you're working toward. Very often one or both people lose sight of that.
> 
> But if you can agree on the goal and how to reach it, it's a pretty simple matter. The problem is people don't agree on money. But say you're saving up $30,000 for a down payment on a house. Each person could either have their own savings account to set money aside in, so much each month, which is what I do for my property tax and home insurance, or they can make a joint account just for that purpose and both put money into it until they reach their goal. Just be sure both your names are on that account so that it's clear you both bought that house.
> 
> There are a lot of people you can't trust with money. Me personally, I would be loathe to have a joint account for any purpose other than saving for a goal or to pay the monthly bills.
> 
> If a married couple lasts into their old age, that's the time when you want to get both your names on your accounts in case someone goes in the hospital or dies. Of course you have about a 50/50 chance that one or the other couple will become mentally incompetent and could still ruin your livelihood because of a joint account.
> 
> If you're a person who wants to have a joint account so that you can monitor what the other person is spending, in my opinion, you don't have enough trust to be marrying that person. You should know them well enough to know whether they're going to go spend a couple of hundred dollars on a lap dance before you get married or whether they're going to be enabling your stepson by giving him money to buy video games when he's 30 years old. You need to know those things before you get married. We need to know the person's ethics about money and they're spending habits before you get married.
> 
> Just having transparency doesn't solve the problem anyway.


I believe that there should be openess about these things before you marry. How can you make that decision unless you are open and honest with each other? 

Personally I could never have a secret stash of money, I would see that as dishonest and I could never do that to my husband.


----------



## Anastasia6

Diana7 said:


> I believe that there should be openess about these things before you marry. How can you make that decision unless you are open and honest with each other?
> 
> Personally I could never have a secret stash of money, I would see that as dishonest and I could never do that to my husband.


Except hers isn't secret. He knows she has her own accounts. They also are over fifty with other divorces. 
I have combined accounts with my husband but if we divorced and I were to remarry I may or may not combine again.

If she were a man the men woul dbe like don't combine keep it separate blah blah blah.

I think what is more telling is OP seems to have no acknowledgement that there are real issues behind the not combining, emotional ones.

In addition, no one seems to be concerned that even though it had been 4 months since they were married he felt he needed to call her at work and have this big fight? No that's not disturbing at all. Of course this needed to be done right then. Controlling.


----------



## Openminded

After a lifetime of joint accounts for everything, I would have separate individual accounts with a joint account for bills if I remarried (which I never would). Combining money, which began when we were very young, eventually burned me and I’d never do it again.


----------



## seadoug105

I feel like I’m following a post in politics…

Many people seem to only acknowledge the facts the fit there pre-determined opinion.

Yes, he is upset about the account…. “He‘s Controlling!”… ignoring that the reason he is upset is the fact she lied to him and manipulated him into merging all of his financial accounts in to hers.

Yes he knows about the account… ”it not a secret”… ignoring that she refuses to share any information or details. That limited $ view doesnt count... it’s like that spouse deleting all the texts then showing showing there phone.

What ever happened to no secrets in marriage?

I also wonder how most of these same people would react if the genders were reversed…. 

NO I DON’T. If they were reversed most of the people the criticizing her should be criticizing him, most of the people defending her would be criticizing him, and ALL of the ”White Knight“ Betas would be criticizing him.


----------



## Anastasia6

seadoug105 said:


> I feel like I’m following a post in politics…
> 
> Many people seem to only acknowledge the facts the fit there pre-determined opinion.
> 
> Yes, he is upset about the account…. “He‘s Controlling!”… ignoring that the reason he is upset is the fact she lied to him and manipulated him into merging all of his financial accounts in to hers.
> 
> Yes he knows about the account… ”it not a secret”… ignoring that she refuses to share any information or details. That limited $ view doesnt count... it’s like that spouse deleting all the texts then showing showing there phone.
> 
> What ever happened to no secrets in marriage?
> 
> I also wonder how most of these same people would react if the genders were reversed….
> 
> NO I DON’T. If they were reversed most of the people the criticizing her should be criticizing him, most of the people defending her would be criticizing him, and ALL of the ”White Knight“ Betas would be criticizing him.


Look you say manipulated him into merging all of his fincial accounts. Yes they made a joint account and he transferred in. Do we have any proof that she is trying to get his money? No. It obviously is some issue for her. If she agrees to sign off of the deed an mortgage then what's the commotion? 

Is there anything stopping him from transferring out?

He has 3 houses. He never answered if he has his own nice 401k. They both have jobs. Many couples keep separate accounts. Those couples don't usually share all the details that is the point of being separate.

Now if she refused to undo the house and refuses to combine that's an issue. He claims he doesn't care about combined. Really there's more to this story but I don't think we will ever know what it is.

The only thing he's said is she said the way he handles money is scary to her. That's a valid concern for people in their 50's. Now is it a realistic concern is another question. I don't know why it has to be an issue though. They are both past 50 they haven't 'built' anything together so just keep it separate.

Maybe he has 3 houses, 2 boats and a car and a bunch of debt with no real retirement savings. Or maybe his account is as fat as the houses, boats and car would indicate. So then why would he be so concerned about her money?
I just don't know why this has to be a big deal. If the were younger I would absolutely be wondering why they didn't combine. But they are both from failed marriages and old enough to take care of themselves.

Yes she didn't follow through on her end. Yes he should be upset. Not so upset that he tells her not to come home. Not so upset that he demands to see all her accounts right now or else. But upset that they were going to combine and she didn't. So let's undo and let's talk and find out about what is so scary. Why is she worried? Can be separate accounts relive the stress in the marriage? Work out the details of how the finances are going to work since the old plan is toast. Get her to agree to sign off the mortgage and deed. It's called working together and figuring out where the insecurities lie and why. That's what partners and people who love each other do.

If everyone is so worried she is out to screw him wouldn't separate protect him?


----------



## Evinrude58

I think it’s clear to anyone that this guy has major problems and a warped personality.....
I mean, only *two* boats????? 
Everybody know that a man needs one for big water fishing, one for small, one for shallow water, one for cruising, and one just because he likes it. This guy is 50 years old and only 2 boats? Disgusting


----------



## Beach123

Why would she agree if she didn’t intend to follow through?
She could have asked for a compromise which allowed her to keep a separate amount in her own emergency account.
While I do agree every woman (and man) should have some amount set aside for emergencies - she didn’t ask for that?
Does she have any kids? Once in a while my adult kids ask for something and I consider it - while I don’t have to check with any partner for permission to loan or give them things - that my choice I make myself.

I wouldn’t want anyone standing there scrutinizing how I may choose to help my kids. 

But she could have communicated what she wished for when that agreement was made.

My guess is she has debt and not much cash in hand - she also may spend frivolously.


----------



## Anastasia6

Beach123 said:


> Why would she agree if she didn’t intend to follow through?
> She could have asked for a compromise which allowed her to keep a separate amount in her own emergency account.
> While I do agree every woman (and man) should have some amount set aside for emergencies - she didn’t ask for that?
> Does she have any kids? Once in a while my adult kids ask for something and I consider it - while I don’t have to check with any partner for permission to loan or give them things - that my choice I make myself.
> 
> I wouldn’t want anyone standing there scrutinizing how I may choose to help my kids.
> 
> But she could have communicated what she wished for when that agreement was made.
> 
> My guess is she has debt and not much cash in hand - she also may spend frivolously.


So if she has all this debt that we have no reason to believe she has, then separate protects him from her past and future debt.


----------



## Openminded

IIRC, a joint account was her idea (I’m not wading through this thread again to verify). If it was, she apparently changed her mind, for whatever reason, so just go back to the way things were. I don’t know what Georgia law says about a situation where the house belongs to one and not both and whether it becomes marital property but an attorney can clear that up.


----------



## Blondilocks

Evinrude58 said:


> I think it’s clear to anyone that this guy has major problems and a warped personality.....
> I mean, only *two* boats?????
> Everybody know that a man needs one for big water fishing, one for small, one for shallow water, one for cruising, and one just because he likes it. This guy is 50 years old and only 2 boats? Disgusting


Don't exaggerate:


Mista Brightside said:


> Maybe - but she's the one who brought nothing to the marriage but a car payment. I at least own a home that she benfits from now. That's the funny thing...she claims that i'm "scary with money" and yet* i owned a house, boat and 2 paid off vehicles.* She makes 25k more than me and only has a car payment to offer. She makes over 100k per year in Georgia and she has less than$1,500.00 in her savings to show for it??? It would seem it's her that has issues managing money.





Mista Brightside said:


> *I own another home and 2 properties.*


----------



## Anastasia6

Blondilocks said:


> Don't exaggerate:


That was my bad. I said 2 boats got confused. 2 boats , 2 cars. Either way depreciating assets.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> Why don't you challenge yourself? Most of us don't change all that much once we get into our 20's and beyond. Although we'd like to believe otherwise, most of us are rigid, inflexible, and fixed in our ways. We take a perspective on life and we don't waver much if at all, rarely if ever do we concede our side of an argument even if deep down we suspect we might be wrong.
> 
> I suggest you step back and look at things differently, however difficult it may be. Why don't you simply accept that for whatever reasons, whether its lack of trust in you, or all men due to previous relationships, or sexual abuse by a trusted caregiver or anxiety or paranoia or whatever, that your wife needs the security of her secret bank account.
> 
> Let her have it and stop obsessing and whining and getting all bent out of shape about it. You share expenses, she carries her share of the load, let it alone. You have your money and assets, and she has hers. As you suggested earlier, calmly explain that you respect her decision, you will not bother her about it anymore, but that much being said you will do the same with your finances, and keep them separate and they're not up for discussion. Take her name off the mortgage and the deed if it's even on there, and enjoy your life together.
> 
> If she has more sinister motivations for keeping her money separate, that will play out over time, but there's no reason to suspect that's the case.
> 
> In other words: Broaden your horizons and take the high road. Although opinions vary widely on this thread, you are coming across as a controlling pouty A-hole and I can almost guarantee she's feeling it and is probably very conflicted because clearly she cares about you but she's struggling with the attitude. Other than the secret bank account it sounds like things are pretty good, why throw it all away? It's not like she's sitting home all day eating Bon-Bons while you're working 3 jobs and paying all the bills. If that was the case you might have a valid argument.


Wow, I'm not obsessing and I'm not whining, I'm hurting g and looking for outside advice. I read no farther than the name calling. Thanks for chiming on but I would appreciate keeping any more comments to yourself. Thank you so much.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Anastasia6 said:


> That was my bad. I said 2 boats got confused. 2 boats , 2 cars. Either way depreciating assets.


Sold the boat and ones a work truck and the other is to get around town and stuff. Both vehicles are paid off and the car has appreciated, not depreciated.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Livvie said:


> Well then they should really and truly have separate assets, a post nup, and split everything 50/50. Better yet, why even be married? They can still enjoy life together as separate financial entities without the danger of being screwed and losing more assets unfairly in a divorce down the line if they divorce now but keep a relationship.
> 
> If she needs her separate SECRET stuff she doesn't seem ready to be in another marriage. Just have a relationship, not a marriage. Marriage comes with the law of the land getting control of one's assets, and potentially giving them to the other party, in the event of a divorce. With that danger, someone should only marry another person they fully trust and are completely open with. This wife won't even show account numbers to her husband. Why should he stay in the vulnerable and risky state of marriage with her? He shouldn't.
> 
> Ditch the marriage part. Keep the relationship.


Thank you for you advice.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Anastasia6 said:


> Except hers isn't secret. He knows she has her own accounts. They also are over fifty with other divorces.
> I have combined accounts with my husband but if we divorced and I were to remarry I may or may not combine again.
> 
> If she were a man the men woul dbe like don't combine keep it separate blah blah blah.
> 
> I think what is more telling is OP seems to have no acknowledgement that there are real issues behind the not combining, emotional ones.
> 
> In addition, no one seems to be concerned that even though it had been 4 months since they were married he felt he needed to call her at work and have this big fight? No that's not disturbing at all. Of course this needed to be done right then. Controlling.


You obviously haven't read the previous posts carefully, you just went on a one-sided attack. SMH! I have addressed these issues one by one. Where did I say I called her at work? I mean wow! While I appreciate the input I would also appreciate you not commenting anymore.


----------



## Anastasia6

Mista Brightside said:


> You obviously haven't read the previous posts carefully, you just went on a one-sided attack. SMH! I have addressed these issues one by one. Where did I say I called her at work? I mean wow! While I appreciate the input I would also appreciate you not commenting anymore.


So do you have any savings?


----------



## Beach123

How did the meeting go?


----------



## Anastasia6

Mista Brightside said:


> *Yes. The first night we got into this she was still at work*. I was so frustrated and hurt by her lack of culpabilty that i stated:* "You can stay at your mom's tonight if you like"*. But it's her decision to stay and not come home, it's been 3 days now and she has told me she's staying for at least another week.


So there's where thought she was at work. 
Also since I'm a random internet person and not beholden to you in anyway. I think I'll continue to exercise my free will. There's an ignore button on the left there you are welcome to use. 

I also don't see how advocating that you get your deed and mortgage back in your name and keep finances separate which protects you as much as her is a one sided attack. At one point you said you wanted to hear from both genders or something. I won't bother scrolling back through to find that for you. It appears the women who try to explain how a woman can feel vulnerable when they don't have their own money are not the ones you want to hear from.

Good Luck. I don't see any reason to suspect you have the right communication skills to have a successful marriage.


----------



## Beach123

Anastasia6 said:


> So there's where thought she was at work.
> Also since I'm a random internet person and not beholden to you in anyway. I think I'll continue to exercise my free will. There's an ignore button on the left there you are welcome to use.
> 
> I also don't see how advocating that you get your deed and mortgage back in your name and keep finances separate which protects you as much as her is a one sided attack. At one point you said you wanted to hear from both genders or something. I won't bother scrolling back through to find that for you. It appears the women who try to explain how a woman can feel vulnerable when they don't have their own money are not the ones you want to hear from.
> 
> Good Luck. I don't see any reason to suspect you have the right communication skills to have a successful marriage.


He had an agreement with his wife. She didn’t keep her word. He expressed his dissatisfaction.
How is that not a good communicator?


----------



## Anastasia6

Beach123 said:


> He had an agreement with his wife. She didn’t keep her word. He expressed his dissatisfaction.
> How is that not a good communicator?


So a very important issue came up. Agreed. 

He chose to discuss that while she was at work.

When he did discuss he tell her to stay at her moms

She did give him an explanation about being scared. But instead of exploring this he invalidates anything she has to say.

He in addition now doesn't want to consider alternative solutions which he has yet to explain why it's not a solution. It has to be his way.

Should he be upset that she said she would and didn't yes. Everything else is lack of conflict resolution and trying to understand the individual hurts and haunts that each party brings to the marriage. Each of us are broken in some way. Some more than others. No one has some perfect spouse who always does what some 'normally adjusted' person would do (even if we could all agree on what that was). But those who make it long term try to understand the other person and tries to be a balm not napalm.


----------



## Mista Brightside

In Absentia said:


> This is the mistake you made... asking her to see her statement. You should have closed the joint account without telling her. If she questioned you, then you could have explained that you got fed up with waiting for her to close her account and that it was unfair on you.


Agreed. Thank you so much.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Beach123 said:


> He had an agreement with his wife. She didn’t keep her word. He expressed his dissatisfaction.
> How is that not a good communicator?


It would appear that there are some here with an agenda and dead set on making this my fault.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Anastasia6 said:


> So a very important issue came up. Agreed.
> 
> He chose to discuss that while she was at work.
> 
> When he did discuss he tell her to stay at her moms
> 
> She did give him an explanation about being scared. But instead of exploring this he invalidates anything she has to say.
> 
> He in addition now doesn't want to consider alternative solutions which he has yet to explain why it's not a solution. It has to be his way.
> 
> Should he be upset that she said she would and didn't yes. Everything else is lack of conflict resolution and trying to understand the individual hurts and haunts that each party brings to the marriage. Each of us are broken in some way. Some more than others. No one has some perfect spouse who always does what some 'normally adjusted' person would do (even if we could all agree on what that was). But those who make it long term try to understand the other person and tries to be a balm not napalm.


You have assumed too much and have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Just wow!


----------



## Trident

Anastasia6 said:


> She did give him an explanation about being scared. But instead of exploring this he invalidates anything she has to say.
> 
> He in addition now doesn't want to consider alternative solutions which he has yet to explain why it's not a solution. It has to be his way.


This ^^

She must be extremely frustrated because he cannot think outside this little box he has built for himself and refuses to listen to anything contrary to his beliefs.

There’s no attempt on his part to understand “why”, it’s all about the “what”.

I’m starting to feel sorry for his wife. I understand her better than he does.

And no, I will not refrain from commenting and no I will not stay at my mothers house yes it’s the same thing you’re doing in both cases. It’s called “inability to accept contrary opinions and poor communication and conflict resolution “.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Blondilocks said:


> I would also ask to see her last 3 years tax returns. Or, at least for as long as she has been single. Running a credit report wouldn't hurt, either. May as well get the good, the bad and ugly out of the way.


Agreed. Thanks.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> I believe that there should be openess about these things before you marry. How can you make that decision unless you are open and honest with each other?
> 
> Personally I could never have a secret stash of money, I would see that as dishonest and I could never do that to my husband.


Agreed. Thank you.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator Note: *Let's keep it classy and on topic, please? Thank you.


----------



## Beach123

What happened at your meeting?


----------



## Trident

What happened will likely be the same as every other meeting. She can do it her way and attempt to explain why- but he won’t listen or care enough to understand, or she can do it his way. Either way one of them will always be unhappy and there is no way to fix this. The end is inevitable.


----------



## Diana7

Trident said:


> What happened will likely be the same as every other meeting. She can do it her way and attempt to explain why- but he won’t listen or care enough to understand, or she can do it his way. Either way one of them will always be unhappy and there is no way to fix this. The end is inevitable.


IT was she who suggested the joint account not him.


----------



## Trident

People are allowed to change their minds. It would appear that she has good reason.

She probably regrets her decision to take responsibility for the mortgage.


----------



## Diana7

Trident said:


> People are allowed to change their minds. It would appear that she has good reason.
> 
> She probably regrets her decision to take responsibility for the mortgage.


I see no good reason except that she is hiding something. 
At least she could have told him she changed her mind.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Remember MB, 
Advice/opinions are like buttholes everyone has one but most stink so take it with a grain of salt.


----------



## Trident

Diana7 said:


> At least she could have told him she changed her mind.


Yes she could have told him. That would have been a better way to handle it. Clearly she doesn’t trust him and she said as much to him as per one of his earlier posts. He isn’t any easy person to talk to, if your opinion differs he doesn’t want to hear it. She runs from conflict. This bank account issue is a symptom of much greater problems in the relationship that will plague both of them going forward regardless of who they happen to be involved with.


----------



## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> I see no good reason except that she is hiding something.
> At least she could have told him she changed her mind.


And told him to take her name off the joint account? After all, fair is fair?


----------



## Kcden

I’ve been married for a year but we’ve lived together for five years before, we got our joint account upon moving in together. I completely understand separating money to organize it better, but make all accounts joint. We have 4 joint bank accounts two checking (one for bills and necessities the other for entertainment and other luxuries, we only keep our budgeted amount in each account) then we have two savings accounts one short term savings for vacations or upgrades for the house, the other long term savings for investments and emergencies. Best thing we ever did, but only works cause we can both see everything. Everyone I know who has a bank account without their spouse is hiding something.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Beach123 said:


> How did the meeting go?


Wonderfully. We are working things out and she showed me everything. She's closing down the other account. Basically was insulted and she got mad at me and dug her heels in. Thank you so much!


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> This ^^
> 
> She must be extremely frustrated because he cannot think outside this little box he has built for himself and refuses to listen to anything contrary to his beliefs.
> 
> There’s no attempt on his part to understand “why”, it’s all about the “what”.
> 
> I’m starting to feel sorry for his wife. I understand her better than he does.
> 
> And no, I will not refrain from commenting and no I will not stay at my mothers house yes it’s the same thing you’re doing in both cases. It’s called “inability to accept contrary opinions and poor communication and conflict resolution “.


Wrong. Have a nice day.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> I see no good reason except that she is hiding something.
> At least she could have told him she changed her mind.


Thank you. They seem to think it's my fault that she reneged on the agreement.


MattMatt said:


> *Moderator Note: *Let's keep it classy and on topic, please? Thank you.


They are not paying you any attention. Why not just remove the agitators?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> What happened will likely be the same as every other meeting. She can do it her way and attempt to explain why- but he won’t listen or care enough to understand, or she can do it his way. Either way one of them will always be unhappy and there is no way to fix this. The end is inevitable.


Actually it wasn't that way at all. It went really. Thank you.


----------



## Mista Brightside

seadoug105 said:


> I feel like I’m following a post in politics…
> 
> Many people seem to only acknowledge the facts the fit there pre-determined opinion.
> 
> Yes, he is upset about the account…. “He‘s Controlling!”… ignoring that the reason he is upset is the fact she lied to him and manipulated him into merging all of his financial accounts in to hers.
> 
> Yes he knows about the account… ”it not a secret”… ignoring that she refuses to share any information or details. That limited $ view doesnt count... it’s like that spouse deleting all the texts then showing showing there phone.
> 
> What ever happened to no secrets in marriage?
> 
> I also wonder how most of these same people would react if the genders were reversed….
> 
> NO I DON’T. If they were reversed most of the people the criticizing her should be criticizing him, most of the people defending her would be criticizing him, and ALL of the ”White Knight“ Betas would be criticizing him.


Spot on. It's just plain bizarre. Thank you so very much!


----------



## Mista Brightside

Anastasia6 said:


> So there's where thought she was at work.
> Also since I'm a random internet person and not beholden to you in anyway. I think I'll continue to exercise my free will. There's an ignore button on the left there you are welcome to use.
> 
> I also don't see how advocating that you get your deed and mortgage back in your name and keep finances separate which protects you as much as her is a one sided attack. At one point you said you wanted to hear from both genders or something. I won't bother scrolling back through to find that for you. It appears the women who try to explain how a woman can feel vulnerable when they don't have their own money are not the ones you want to hear from.
> 
> Good Luck. I don't see any reason to suspect you have the right communication skills to have a successful marriage.


Thanks for the advice. Ignored. 😁


----------



## Mista Brightside

Diana7 said:


> IT was she who suggested the joint account not him.


You're just not going to make a dent. There are people here with an agenda.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Lostinthought61 said:


> Remember MB,
> Advice/opinions are like buttholes everyone has one but most stink so take it with a grain of salt.


Agreed. A lot of good advice being shared though! Thanks!


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> Agreed. A lot of good advice being shared though! Thanks!


It's only considered good advice if it aligns with your beliefs. To the rest you respond with snarky comments, you get defensive, you ask the posters to go away, or even request the moderators to remove them as if disagreeing with you is somehow a breach of the forum rules (it's not).

This particular issue with your wife might have been resolved or more likely it was rug swept. I doubt she walked away from this one feeling as good about things as you do. Yes you won the battle but you're losing the war.

There will be more conflict, and until and unless you figure out how to effectively communicate you're going to have problems and the next one might not be so easily "fixed".


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> Yes she could have told him. That would have been a better way to handle it. Clearly she doesn’t trust him and she said as much to him as per one of his earlier posts. He isn’t any easy person to talk to, if your opinion differs he doesn’t want to hear it. She runs from conflict. This bank account issue is a symptom of much greater problems in the relationship that will plague both of them going forward regardless of who they happen to be involved with.


I agree with most but not all. If you look at all the posts you will see that I have taken differing opinions and thanked them for it. What I won't do I stand by while somebody makes false assumptions about me and then determines my character based on those ass u m ptions. Sorry but I just don't like people making up stuff about me that isn't true. But I truly value your opinion and thank you so much for your input.


----------



## Trident

You're welcome. 

Good luck, I am only trying to help.


----------



## bobert

@Mista Brightside If there are posters you don't want to hear from, you can put them on ignore and you won't see their posts. Touch/hover over their username, and use the three dots on the right to put them on ignore.

I'm curious though, she was "insulted and dug her heels in" but it was HER idea to have the joint account so...


----------



## Mista Brightside

Anastasia6 said:


> So there's where thought she was at work.
> Also since I'm a random internet person and not beholden to you in anyway. I think I'll continue to exercise my free will. There's an ignore button on the left there you are welcome to use.
> 
> I also don't see how advocating that you get your deed and mortgage back in your name and keep finances separate which protects you as much as her is a one sided attack. At one point you said you wanted to hear from both genders or something. I won't bother scrolling back through to find that for you. It appears the women who try to explain how a woman can feel vulnerable when they don't have their own money are not the ones you want to hear from.
> 
> Good Luck. I don't see any reason to suspect you have the right communication skills to have a successful marriage.


I'm not sure what I was thinking, maybe I thought she was but that wasn't the case. To be honest she was in a worse position to talk than work. I did not know that at the time. Thanks again.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> People are allowed to change their minds. It would appear that she has good reason.
> 
> She probably regrets her decision to take responsibility for the mortgage.


Just to clarify, you would have no issues with your spouse being disingenuous with you because people change their minds? OK...to each his own I guess. I just think people should keep to their word. There is no responsibility - the payment is less than most rent and it's almost paid off. Not sure how that's a liability for her being the equity involved. Also, i offered to put her name on the house and it was HER decision to do so...nobody forced anyone into doing anything. Although I do disagree with you I do appreciate you taking time to respond.


----------



## Mista Brightside

bobert said:


> @Mista Brightside If there are posters you don't want to hear from, you can put them on ignore and you won't see their posts. Touch/hover over their username, and use the three dots on the right to put them on ignore.
> 
> I'm curious though, she was "insulted and dug her heels in" but it was HER idea to have the joint account so...


Thank you!!! I was trying to figure it out! Yes, it was her idea. I know I know...


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> What happened will likely be the same as every other meeting. She can do it her way and attempt to explain why- but he won’t listen or care enough to understand, or she can do it his way. Either way one of them will always be unhappy and there is no way to fix this. The end is inevitable.


Ok..no matter what I say you seem to be dead set on making this my fault when she was the one being disingenuous. You seem to have an agenda. You seem to want to blame me for her decisions. This isn't helping and it isn't healthy. I appreciate your input but it's not helpful IMHO. Thanks again.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Kcden said:


> I’ve been married for a year but we’ve lived together for five years before, we got our joint account upon moving in together. I completely understand separating money to organize it better, but make all accounts joint. We have 4 joint bank accounts two checking (one for bills and necessities the other for entertainment and other luxuries, we only keep our budgeted amount in each account) then we have two savings accounts one short term savings for vacations or upgrades for the house, the other long term savings for investments and emergencies. Best thing we ever did, but only works cause we can both see everything. Everyone I know who has a bank account without their spouse is hiding something.


Agreed. But you don't set up an agreement only then to reneg on the deal while never informing the other party that you've changed your mind. Again, it was HER idea to have a joint account s close down personal accounts. I did it, she didn't.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> You're welcome.
> 
> Good luck, I am only trying to help.


I'm sorry but ignoring comments that don't fit your narrative isn't helping. I do appreciate you though.


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> I'm sorry but ignoring comments that don't fit your narrative isn't helping.


That's exactly what you're doing on just about every third post.



Mista Brightside said:


> Thanks for the advice. Ignored. 😁


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> Just to clarify, you would have no issues with your spouse being disingenuous with you because people change their minds?


Yes, I would be bothered by her change of mind- but unlike YOU, I would try to figure out WHY she felt the need to do this and work on fixing the underlying problems, rather than just telling her to go to her mom's and bullying her into doing it your way.

You don't have the ability to understand the WHY, to you it's all about being personally insulted and getting all butthurt and other people's words and action without taking the time and effort to figure out what's behind it.


----------



## Evinrude58

I will have to say that you do have a way of getting offended overly easy. 
i haven’t really seen much of anyone having any agenda here with you. What agenda? Feminist? We have some of that here but I didn’t notice it with you. Just people brainstorming about what might be going on with your wife so you can figure out why she did what she did and how you might avoid similar problems in the future. Yes, you definitely can be hard to talk to.

So you saw her bank statement and there was nothing she was trying to hide? If so, WHY did she get so offended? I haven’t seen what was so offensive about the deal.

Yes, you were in the right so WHY did she get so offended that she totally shut down on you and left for days?

Was it how you presented the problem to her, or was it how you reacted to her once you presented the problem? Or was it just her? You don’t give much information on your words to her and her words to you. If you did, people might be able to help you avoid big blow ups like this in the future. Nobody is out to get you here.

I’ll leave these two things out there for you to consider:

if there was nothing in that bank statement that was strange, why did she dig her heels in and take off?

Why can you not see that you “offering her to go stay at her mom’s” isn’t hurtful?


----------



## Mista Brightside

Trident said:


> That's exactly what you're doing on just about every third post.


I'm not getting into a back and forth with you. I'm sorry but i am putting you on ignore. Again, thank you.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Mista Brightside said:


> I'm sorry but ignoring comments that don't fit your narrative isn't helping. I do appreciate you though.


My "narrative" is the truth. Buh-bye!


----------



## Trident

Mista Brightside said:


> My "narrative" is the truth. Buh-bye!


His truth.


----------



## EleGirl

Mista Brightside said:


> Thank you. They seem to think it's my fault that she reneged on the agreement.
> 
> They are not paying you any attention. Why not just remove the agitators?


Moderators on this forum are not paid. Most TAM users, you included, use the provided services for free. We have no set schedule and so sign on and do our thing then our real lives provide a bit of time that we can be on here. There is no way that we can read and judge every single thread and post. 

You can report any post in which forum rules are broken and a moderator will check into it when one of us is online. For posters that annoy you but do not break forum, you have the option to block that user. TAM relies heavily on members to do these things.


----------



## Mista Brightside

EleGirl said:


> Moderators on this forum are not paid. Most TAM users, you included, use the provided services for free. We have no set schedule and so sign on and do our thing then our real lives provide a bit of time that we can be on here. There is no way that we can read and judge every single thread and post.
> 
> You can report any post in which forum rules are broken and a moderator will check into it when one of us is online. For posters that annoy you but do not break forum, you have the option to block that user. TAM relies heavily on members to do these things.


Thank you. I had no idea how this worked. So sorry about that. I really would have appreciated a private message. Thank you for the info.


----------



## Mista Brightside

Evinrude58 said:


> I will have to say that you do have a way of getting offended overly easy.
> i haven’t really seen much of anyone having any agenda here with you. What agenda? Feminist? We have some of that here but I didn’t notice it with you. Just people brainstorming about what might be going on with your wife so you can figure out why she did what she did and how you might avoid similar problems in the future. Yes, you definitely can be hard to talk to.
> 
> So you saw her bank statement and there was nothing she was trying to hide? If so, WHY did she get so offended? I haven’t seen what was so offensive about the deal.
> 
> Yes, you were in the right so WHY did she get so offended that she totally shut down on you and left for days?
> 
> Was it how you presented the problem to her, or was it how you reacted to her once you presented the problem? Or was it just her? You don’t give much information on your words to her and her words to you. If you did, people might be able to help you avoid big blow ups like this in the future. Nobody is out to get you here.
> 
> I’ll leave these two things out there for you to consider:
> 
> if there was nothing in that bank statement that was strange, why did she dig her heels in and take off?
> 
> Why can you not see that you “offering her to go stay at her mom’s” isn’t hurtful?


I understand your position but if you go back through the posts you will see what I'm talking about. They quite literally made a false assumption about me and then presented it as fact, and then went so far as to say they "feel sorry for my wife". That's not fair. So I comment. I have agreed with many and thanked everyone for their input. I expressed this in an earlier post.
She got offended for obvious reasons. There was nothing in the deal that was offensive. This has been discussed prior.
I think I've been pretty open and honest here as well as addressing everyone and every question asked of me. I've volunteered information that displayed my faults. Never said anyone was out to get me.. more assumptions. Would you be OK with people making false assumptions about you?
The reason why she dug her heels is was discussed earlier. I'm trying not to be redundant.
Never said it wasn't hurtful. Again, have no idea where you're getting that from. I said multiple times that it was a non-issue for her and she understood why I said it. I also apologized for it and asked her to come home. Thus was also discussed earlier.
I would ask you to please read all the posts and responses prior to making judgement. But I do appreciate your input and thank you so much.


----------



## Evinrude58

Good luck . Glad your wife is back and you’re both happy. That’s what matters most


----------



## Mista Brightside

I would like to give everyone an update and end this post:
We have come to an understanding. We have worked things out. She has revealed everything and we're moving forward with individual counseling, to work on each other, and group counseling for the marriage. Thank you all for all your comments, input and advice. I appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you Thank you!


----------



## Mista Brightside

Evinrude58 said:


> Good luck . Glad your wife is back and you’re both happy. That’s what matters most


Thank you so very much!


----------



## Solodad

Mista Brightside said:


> I've been married for 4 months now. We decided on joint accounts and after we were married i immediately transfered all monies from my personal account into our joint account along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years. She never did the same with her account. I waited and waited hoping she would get it done. In the beginning it was because she was having issues with the banks and our new account. But when i asked her about it last week and what was taking so long she claimed that i "scare her when it comes to money" and she's keeping that account to protect us. I've given her no reason to believe i'm irresponsible with money. The account is in her name only, i have no access and she openly refused to show me a statement when i asked. This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house. She claims now that she will share statemens with me but claims she will only do that in person, which is tough being that she is living almost 2 hours away. I really need some advice here. How would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? I would like to hear from both husbands and wives. Thanks in advance!


Put 80% of your money back into your own account. Joint account just enough to cover monthly expenses. 
If she is not putting in 100% then you have an issue & start looking for other problems.


----------



## MattMatt

Mista Brightside said:


> I would like to give everyone an update and end this post:
> We have come to an understanding. We have worked things out. She has revealed everything and we're moving forward with individual counseling, to work on each other, and group counseling for the marriage. Thank you all for all your comments, input and advice. I appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you Thank you!


You are most welcome, @Mista Brightside. But please do remember we will always be here for you should you need any further advice. Or if you spot someone on TAM who could benefit from your advice, please feel free to step in.


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## Ricks

I'm currently divorcing my wife and we have joint accounts. She emptied the savings on me... I should have listened to my lawyer and take half...


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## Ricks

If my wife left me and went to her parents and said she's staying for another week, I'd be divorcing her... Her leaving you like this is BS. Something doesn't smell right.


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## Davidmidwest

Mista Brightside said:


> I've been married for 4 months now. We decided on joint accounts and after we were married i immediately transfered all monies from my personal account into our joint account along with putting her name on the mortgage that i've been paying into for about 20 years. She never did the same with her account. I waited and waited hoping she would get it done. In the beginning it was because she was having issues with the banks and our new account. But when i asked her about it last week and what was taking so long she claimed that i "scare her when it comes to money" and she's keeping that account to protect us. I've given her no reason to believe i'm irresponsible with money. The account is in her name only, i have no access and she openly refused to show me a statement when i asked. This has now become a serious issue and she is currently living at her mother's house. She claims now that she will share statemens with me but claims she will only do that in person, which is tough being that she is living almost 2 hours away. I really need some advice here. How would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? I would like to hear from both husbands and wives. Thanks in advance!


DUMP HER TAIL RIGHT NOW. YOU DID IN GOOD FAITH ADD HER TO YOUR MORTGAGE TO MAKE HER FEEL INCLUDED AND INVESTED. You can open your account too, but take her off the mortgage. Get the red pill from the manosphere and get smart about women. Go Tomasi, she will not trust you with kids, nor allow you to make decisions. find a christian woman and no sex before marriage. If you don't get wise you will lose 50% of everthing youv'e worked for in 10 years 1 day. She will hold on that long to divorce your tail. You better not be 100% beta. 50% is o,k.


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## drencrom

Ricks said:


> I'm currently divorcing my wife and we have joint accounts. She emptied the savings on me... I should have listened to my lawyer and take half...


Have your bank get you the balances before she drained them and give them to your lawyer. If a judge is worth their salt, they'll order her to pay back your half.


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## Trident

drencrom said:


> Have your bank get you the balances before she drained them and give them to your lawyer. If a judge is worth their salt, they'll order her to pay back your half.


More likely he'll be credited what she took towards what he gets as his share of the marital assets.

If the divorce does not go to court (most don't) that money should be considered during Settlement talks.


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## In Absentia

Maybe if people read the posts properly, this thread wouldn't drag ad infinitum. *Please read post #412.*


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## Trident

In Absentia said:


> Maybe if people read the posts properly, this thread wouldn't drag ad infinitum. *Please read post #412.*


I'm sorry it bothers you that the length of this thread continues to increase.

Perhaps you might want to unsubscribe.


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## In Absentia

Trident said:


> I'm sorry it bothers you that the length of this thread continues to increase.
> 
> Perhaps you might want to unsubscribe.


You made me laugh, honestly. It doesn't bother me, but people keep arguing about the ifs and buts like the OP doesn't exist. I find it a tad strange...


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## Trident

In Absentia said:


> You made me laugh, honestly. It doesn't bother me, but people keep arguing about the ifs and buts like the OP doesn't exist. I find it a tad strange...


Happens all the time


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## drencrom

Trident said:


> More likely he'll be credited what she took towards what he gets as his share of the marital assets.
> 
> If the divorce does not go to court (most don't) that money should be considered during Settlement talks.


Well yes, paid back in some fashion. In my case her half of the marital debt was just negotiated out of my 401k. So whatever she owed me thats how much less she got back.

But because the 401k isn't liquid, the negotiation was for like 50% more than her half would remain in my account.


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## kristaevans

When I was still married to my ex-husband, we got a joint account, and I had no other accounts and thought he didn’t either.


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## MattMatt

Zombie Cat says: "Smells like Teen Spirit? Nope! Smells like a zombie thread from 2021! What's that smell like? Like the type of tuna fish cats back off from whilst waving their paw at."


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