# 27 years and it ended in one day



## mcjr523 (May 4, 2020)

my soon to be ex wife and i were together 27 years! she was 17 and i was 19. neither of us were virgins but still young! we actually had a child within the first year of dating and it was the greatest thing to happen to us! we then got our own place and started our little family! 5 years later we welcomed our second child! we bought our first house and then in 2004 we got married. we married after she had an affair which she blamed on me because i didn't give her enough attention. 

i took it to the chin because i had 2 kids and didn't want to lose my family. i never really had a family growing up. then in 2011 i suspected she was cheating but could never prove it, instead i was crazy. our marriage always seemed good and we did a lot together and raised our kids in the best manner possible. we had the normal arguments and struggles just like anyone else! then in 2019 my wife just didn't seem to be herself anymore it was like she was becoming someone else, distant, worried about fashion and looks and all the other red flags. 

then on July 15th 2019 my children and i who are now 21 and 26 went to dinner with my wife's family to a place my wife never liked so it wasn't unusual that she didn't go! that night when we got home my daughter walked into our house seeing a note from my wife saying she couldn't do it anymore and she packed her things and left. none of us could get in touch with her she blocked us all! changed her number and the only way we could communicate was thru facebook messenger. August arrives and still our only way to communicate was thru facebook. 

my kids cut communication with their mother because they were hurt and angered by her actions and the fact they couldn't call their own mom on her cell! i of course am begging my wife to come home and figure this all out. middle of August comes and the next thing i know im being told by a female friend of ours that my wife and her husband were having an affair. this friend a mother of 4 children is crying because of what my wife and her husband have done. then she tells me it was going on for 4 years! i message my wife and she denies it. then finally admits it. 

then i find out she was having another affair at the same time with another one of our married friends for 5 years and all this going on at the same time. all this time my wife is telling me she left me because she didnt love me anymore and needed to figure out who she is. now it gets even worse as now there is a third person she has involved a guy from her job that she got fired because he was on drugs. in october of 2019 she takes off to vegas to live with this guy. 

we are from PA! we didnt even know she moved to vegas until 2 weeks after she has been there. my kids even though they are adults havent seen their mother in 10 months and we were a close family. they dont speak and i no longer speak to her anymore either because i found out she slept with a guy when she was pregnant with my first born and then did have an affair in 2011 just as i suspected. my wife is a beautiful woman but always seemed to think low of herself and i couldn't figure out why because i tried to give her the best life. 

my kids and her were so close and now they dont even speak! it kills me because i know deep down it hurts them. i have never been so hurt in my life from someone i thought i could trust with my life! i still question why and i guess i will never know! we dont even know exactly where she lives at in vegas as everything i guess is in his name! i never thought this would be my life, but it is and its tough but i am doing my best and i do as much as i can with my kids and we dont discuss their mother because they have moved on in a way! that isnt so easy for me because i truly loved her but each day it gets easier and better and i will never give up! 

but i just dont understand why this would happen when you have a great family, friends, house, job, we had a good life and she walked away from it all!


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

I know that this may be difficult to hear, but it seems to me that you are better off without this serial cheater.

I know the pain you have been going through. If you haven’t done so already, get a counselor and just talk things out.

Have you filed for divorce yet?

good luck and stay strong

and no matter what, always make sure that you can look yourself in the mirror

I’m sorry


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## mcjr523 (May 4, 2020)

i have filed for divorce but locating her seems to be an issue! i have closed all linked accounts to protect myself! thanks for responding this is all new to me and yes i was going to therapy since this past july and with the pandemic we have been having phones sessions!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

mcjr523 said:


> we married after she had an affair which she blamed on me because i didn't give her enough attention. i took it to the chin because i had 2 kids and didn't want to lose my family. i never really had a family growing up. then in 2011 i suspected she was cheating but could never prove it, instead i was crazy.
> 
> *Your first mistake was rugsweeping and marrying a cheater. I wouldn’t compound that by staying this time. Your gut was screaming for a reason. You only know the tip of the iceberg. you married a serial cheater. They never stop!!!!!*
> 
> ...


Under the Circircumstances you’d be wise to DNA your kids and get std testing.

You are only a chump if you allow it. File now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

mcjr523 said:


> i have filed for divorce but locating her seems to be an issue! i have closed all linked accounts to protect myself! thanks for responding this is all new to me and yes i was going to therapy since this past july and with the pandemic we have been having phones sessions!


If you can’t find your wife to have her served divorce papers the you can do what’s called an Order Of Notice By Publication. This means that you run a notice to divorce your wife in the newspaper of the area where she was last known to live. In your case Vegas. 
You may have to run this for a number of days/weeks but I would advise you to talk to a lawyer first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@mcjr523,

A added paragraphs (white space) to create paragraphs in your post. Most people will not read a wall of text. You will get more input when more people are able to read you posts.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Contact a lawyer now and get direction on your situation with a absent W.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> If you can’t find your wife to have her served divorce papers the you can do what’s called an Order Of Notice By Publication. This means that you run a notice to divorce your wife in the newspaper of the area where she was last known to live. In your case Vegas.
> You may have to run this for a number of days/weeks but I would advise you to talk to a lawyer first.


Yes... this is right.

You might need to publish in both your current state where she used to live and in Vegas. You are not 100% sure where she is or if she really was/is in Vegas. Talk to an attorney.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mcjr523 said:


> but i just dont understand why this would happen when you have a great family, friends, house, job, we had a good life and she walked away from it all!


What you need to come to terms with is that your wife hide a large portion of who she is from you. She is clearly a very broken person.

Your focus now need to be on yourself and your children.

What are you doing for yourself these days?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since she does communicate some via Facebook, does she know that you have filed for divorce?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

mcjr523 said:


> my soon to be ex wife and i were together 27 years! she was 17 and i was 19. neither of us were virgins but still young! we actually had a child within the first year of dating and it was the greatest thing to happen to us! we then got our own place and started our little family! 5 years later we welcomed our second child! we bought our first house and then in 2004 we got married. we married after she had an affair which she blamed on me because i didn't give her enough attention.
> 
> i took it to the chin because i had 2 kids and didn't want to lose my family. i never really had a family growing up. then in 2011 i suspected she was cheating but could never prove it, instead i was crazy. our marriage always seemed good and we did a lot together and raised our kids in the best manner possible. we had the normal arguments and struggles just like anyone else! then in 2019 my wife just didn't seem to be herself anymore it was like she was becoming someone else, distant, worried about fashion and looks and all the other red flags.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry. That must be devastating. 
I hope it helps you to heal faster and move on faster just knowing your "wife" is a terrible, corrupt person and you are better (even though it doesn't feel that way in the short term) to have this lying, deceitful, cheating, promiscuous, destructive person out of your life. 
Think about it, she committed adultery with multiple people FOR YEARS and just abandoned her OWN CHILDREN!
Let your head grasp that. 
That is HORRIBLE, corrupt, sleazy, vile, putrid, contemptible on so many levels. 

I know it hurts. 
Do all you need to do to heal. 
Counseling, gym, exercise and diet, pursue hobbies, get active and go out with friends, meet women...go on lots of dates and meet a lot of them, see your kids all the time.....do not blame yourself and move on. Find a classy lady to spend time with. 

Do not pursue any contact with that disease in any way. Just let her be dead to you.

Once again, sorry.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

She has been absent from your home for ten months? File for divorce. You will likely use desertion as your rationale.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

mcjr523 said:


> my soon to be ex wife and i were together 27 years! she was 17 and i was 19. neither of us were virgins but still young! we actually had a child within the first year of dating and it was the greatest thing to happen to us! we then got our own place and started our little family! 5 years later we welcomed our second child! we bought our first house and then in 2004 we got married. we married after she had an affair which she blamed on me because i didn't give her enough attention.
> 
> i took it to the chin because i had 2 kids and didn't want to lose my family. i never really had a family growing up. then in 2011 i suspected she was cheating but could never prove it, instead i was crazy. our marriage always seemed good and we did a lot together and raised our kids in the best manner possible. we had the normal arguments and struggles just like anyone else! then in 2019 my wife just didn't seem to be herself anymore it was like she was becoming someone else, distant, worried about fashion and looks and all the other red flags.
> 
> ...



This sounds a lot like my ex. I never married her but we did have a child together at about the same age you guys were when you had your first. She taught me a big lesson in life and I owe her for that cause after her I never got into a relationship with a woman like that and there were a few that came along but I was able to spot it right off the bat.

that lesson: NEVER EVER be in a relationship where the woman has low self esteem. They eventually will find validation in MEN.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry this **** storm happened to you. There is nothing you could have done or said to prevent her decision to abandon her family. We all have personal issues, disappointments and unmet needs etc - but she chose to cheat vs other options. Therefore, her decision to cheat (and abandon her kids) is 100% on her.

See your doctor for assistance sleeping and dealing with anger etc.

You and your kids need IC. 

Google PTSD. You and your kids are experiencing life changing trauma. It helps to know what stage your in.

IMO, exit the marriage asap - and ramp up family activities (including cousins and grandparents) for your kids.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She did what she did because once she grew up she was not who you thought. That means everything that’s important to you wasn’t ever really important to her. There was no way for you to fix the emptiness in her. She’ll always be chasing someone to make her feel better about herself. Better to know that now than after even more years of the same.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

mcjr523 said:


> my soon to be ex wife and i were together 27 years! she was 17 and i was 19. neither of us were virgins but still young! we actually had a child within the first year of dating and it was the greatest thing to happen to us! we then got our own place and started our little family! 5 years later we welcomed our second child! we bought our first house and then in 2004 we got married. we married after she had an affair which she blamed on me because i didn't give her enough attention.
> 
> i took it to the chin because i had 2 kids and didn't want to lose my family. i never really had a family growing up. then in 2011 i suspected she was cheating but could never prove it, instead i was crazy. our marriage always seemed good and we did a lot together and raised our kids in the best manner possible. we had the normal arguments and struggles just like anyone else! then *in 2019 my wife just didn't seem to be herself anymor*e it was like she was becoming someone else, distant, worried about fashion and looks and all the other red flags.
> 
> ...


The only times I have heard things like this was when the cheating wife had been abused badly as a child.

There are some key aspects in your post which I bolded/underlined above.

In the cases of childhood sexual abuse, I have seen that the victim grows up with a lot of secretive-type coping mechanisms and never tells the ones who really love them about it. Apparently they are afraid to open because during the abuse they were told they were no good, that if they tell anyone people will blame them for it, it's their fault. I'm no expert, but I am alive enough to have my own observations, and I've probably read stories like here a few times, too. I would ask her parents about it. Maybe she told her parents and they dismissed it because it was a beloved uncle or aunt. You mention you had gone out to dinner with your wife's family and she didn't go because she didn't like the restaurant, that alone seems a little odd - going with her children and her side of the family and not wanting to go because she doesn't like the restaurant. I have kids and family, too, and if any of us really despised that restaurant enough that they refused to go, we would go somewhere else, but more likely if only one person didn't like it, they could always get a simple dish like a salad. 

Anyway, I would ask about that, because I have seen this type of secret really affect the victim through their entire lives if not counseled, and marriages as long as yours it's come up and the husband never knew. These people always feel not pretty enough, not smart enough, not whatever enough, whatever the abusers drilled into their heads. The fact that she went off with a drug-addicted unemployed loser would also indicate some childhood issues, victims who think low of themselves as you said your wife, who were abused, frequently feel safer with a loser than a winner like you, because the loser will still love them even if they are found out as abused, whereas, this is not rational, but apparently victims have deep-seated issues of being left alone if found out the truth. In the situations I am aware of, the loser actually does know the truth about the abuse, thought the faithful husband did not, because the victim felt safe (even though still being treated poorly by the loser) because of the possible abandonment issues.

In any event, even if that childhood abuse is not the problem, I would have to disagree that the marriage was happy. Your wife has never been in the marriage, really, so I doubt she was happy. You say she always thought low of herself despite how well you thought of her, looks-wise and otherwise, which is also an indicator of childhood issues, but I can imagine that she has been in inner turmoil her whole life. I doubt that your marriage and you had anything to do with that, and most likely your marriage and lifestyle was the best situation for her and she knew it, but still no one does what she did (and you very likely only know the tip of the iceberg), so it's not your fault, and whatever her issues were, she developed the ability early on to deceive and keep secrets, so it makes sense that you only caught a few instances were you suspected.

You mention that you had been able to message her through Facebook, is that still the case? Have you considered getting a private investigator to find where the guy is, or your wife? I do find it odd that your children and you didn't tryt to track her down. I am thinking about myself as a young adult with a mother who had been close to me leaving this way, and as a husband lesser so, but still, I think I'd have to track her down and confront her, just for closure for myself if nothing else, just to see with my own eyes what the heck is going on, even if she was adamant that I shouldn't come or she never wants to see or hear from me again. Have you considered it? Or your kids? As far as Vegas, I would be worried about what she was doing for money and work.

I also have noticed many times when cheating wives go beserk (your wife always was, but ramped it way up in 2019) frequently a reason is the empty-nest situation, where she was living for her kids, and now she no longer needs them. She questions about herself as a person, not just a mother or a husband. I am just throwing it all out there, it may be one or more of these things, it may be none, but normal people brought up with normal values do not have a dozen affairs (I would say she probaby had more than that based on what you know and what I think you don't know) throughout the entire marriage while still also being a model wife and a great mother who is close to their children. Just doesn't happen from a stable loving childhood - drug addiction and robbing/prostituting to get cash to buy drugs happens to all types of families, but the situation you describe, it just doesn't happen in a stable loving childhood. Something happened to her, what I don't know.

No matter, she knew right from wrong, she did what she wanted, whatever her issues she had, she could have come for help, opened up to you, she was capable of doing that, but she didn't, it was her decision, and there is no excuse or her cheating and leaving and ignoring you and her kids, but while there are no excuses, there are reasons as to why she chose to do it. You may or may not agree or even understand her reasons, but she had reasons.

I believe the reason she blocked you and the kids is she is so ashamed of what is she doing, she can't face it. I know you spoke to her and she must have seemed to be in her right mind and strong about her convictions, but her actions belie those words.

Can you elaborate anything about her reasons for not talking to her children, blocking her children, but day one of her leaving? It's not like the children were even telling her they hate her, she blocked them before they could even do that, if they ever would.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Mybabysgotit said:


> that lesson: NEVER EVER be in a relationship where the woman has low self esteem. They eventually will find validation in MEN.


This is often true. It takes a very caring and attentive and complimentary man to take on a low-self esteem woman and make her feel legitimately good about herself. It can be done, but you have to really be up for the task.

I married one of these, and I'm not that kind of person, and it led to problems for awhile.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Your relationship/marriage with this woman did not end in one day, one day it just ended.

She was cheating on you from almost 20 years ago. She was cheating on you with multiple men for years prior to her abandoning your family.

Truth is, the marriage ended many years ago, she just didn't tell you about it.

You still have a lot of life left. This is going to hurt for a long time, but you will find someone better.

Basically you can toss a ball in a crowd and hit a better woman, over and over again.


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## Road Scholar (Sep 19, 2013)

mcjr523 said:


> my soon to be ex wife and i were together 27 years! she was 17 and i was 19. neither of us were virgins but still young! we actually had a child within the first year of dating and it was the greatest thing to happen to us! we then got our own place and started our little family! 5 years later we welcomed our second child! we bought our first house and then in 2004 we got married. we married after she had an affair which she blamed on me because i didn't give her enough attention.
> 
> i took it to the chin because i had 2 kids and didn't want to lose my family. i never really had a family growing up. then in 2011 i suspected she was cheating but could never prove it, instead i was crazy. our marriage always seemed good and we did a lot together and raised our kids in the best manner possible. we had the normal arguments and struggles just like anyone else! then in 2019 my wife just didn't seem to be herself anymore it was like she was becoming someone else, distant, worried about fashion and looks and all the other red flags.
> 
> ...


Would you take her back?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Under the Circircumstances you’d be wise to DNA your kids and get std testing.
> 
> You are only a chump if you allow it. File now.


The kids are grown so there is no financial responsibility to be hashed out, and he's been their father their entire lives. I see no point whatsoever to a DNA test. They are his kids and he is their dad. Biology has nothing to do with anything at this point. He only speaks well of his relationship with his kids. 

STD test, another thing entirely. Focus on what matters.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry @mcjr523 
@OutofRetirement has hit the nail on the head I think. However, that does not excuse what she has done to you and your kids. She is a very broken woman, and you cannot fix her. She needs to get help for herself after admitting what she has done.
The best thing you can do is get counselling for yourself and aim to move on with your life, you are still relatively young. She is not the woman you thought she was.


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## mcjr523 (May 4, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Under the Circircumstances you’d be wise to DNA your kids and get std testing.
> 
> You are only a chump if you allow it. File now.


Yes I had myself tested and I’m clean! And I did dna test on my kids just to verify that they both are mine! Thanks hank god they are because that would have hurt bad!


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## mcjr523 (May 4, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Since she does communicate some via Facebook, does she know that you have filed for divorce?


She no longer had Facebook and we have no way to communicate! Myself or my kids have no contact with her at all. She made her choice and she had to live with that!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

mcjr523 said:


> Yes I had myself tested and I’m clean! And I did dna test on my kids just to verify that they both are mine! Thanks hank god they are because that would have hurt bad!


Good, now you are not dealing with an unknown. That had to take a load off you and it would have either way. Dealing with a known is always easier than an unknown.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Your situation is truly horrible.
You have no other course than to file for divorce using abandonment as a rationale.
Get yourself into therapy. Work through the trauma.
Go and find yourself the quality person you truly deserve.
Work to become the person that your kids can admire as a role model and build the family you deserve.
Best of luck.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

mcjr523 said:


> She no longer had Facebook and we have no way to communicate! Myself or my kids have no contact with her at all. She made her choice and she had to live with that!


I know this is easy for me to say because I am not in the thick of things - 
You need to breath a sigh of relief.
You need to be happy that the 800 pound elephant is out of the room.

Contact IC - one that specializes in infidelity. You need to talk with someone to get help.
Talk to your lawyer about the next step in getting a divorce - I'm not a lawyer, but I believe you don't have to have the other person's concent to divorce. You need to make sure what the laws state about divorce. Obviously since there is abandonment, alimony may not exist, but she will have to pay child support. Again, a lawyer will know more than my nonsense legal speak.
Be the best father you can be. Your kids have been abandoned - they need you more than you can imagine.
Look forward to a more happy and authentic life now that your "wife" has left.
Remember, your life will get better. It will be hard (although with her gone 10+ months now, you should be adjusted), but will ease out.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Being in affairs with several men at the same time is a special kind of evil. Deserting her family with no explanation of prior warning is certainly unbelievable. 

Maybe she moved to Vegas to get a job in the sex industry. That would suit her character.


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