# Wife cheated...What now??



## mbhand2k (Mar 5, 2010)

Wife was out of town on business 3 years ago. Turns out, I found out from her sister recently that she had a one night stand while gone on "business". We have been married for 15 years and have two pre-teens. I have gone to see a counselor to try to seek forgiveness, but I just can't. She says that it is no big deal and meant nothing, but I don't see it that way. I have always believed in the vows of marriage as sacred. After I found out, my passion/romantic feelings for her are completely gone. It's like being married to my cousin, I love her, but have no passion for her. I think about what she did every day, and it tears me up. Where do I go from here? Will some of the hurt go away if I cut her loose? I have already drawn up papers for divorce, but she wants to stay married, telling me "it was a long time ago, and I don't even remember it". I feel awful for the kids. Am I being selfish wanting a divorce, or shall I start doing what I think is right for me.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is no "right answer," there is only the answer that is right for you. 

She betrayed you. It appears that is a deal-breaker for you. If you have made an effort to get past it and cannot, then what more can you do?

Your kids will get a lot of messages from you about what to expect in life--so think about what you want to teach them. Would you want them to stay in a passionless marriage for the sake of their own kids (assuming that "passionless" means no anger or recriminations as well as no love-the "living as roommates" type of marriage you describe)? Do you feel that the disruption to their lives will be worth what you teach them about standing up for yourself and your values? Do you feel up to guiding them (not shielding them, necessarily) through the challenges divorce will present to them? Do you understand you will have less control over what happens to them if you divorce (not that we have as much control as we like to think, in the first place, but it will be less, no matter what). 

These are things to think about. Good luck. It's hard stuff.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

mbhand2k said:


> Wife was out of town on business 3 years ago. Turns out, I found out from her sister recently that she had a one night stand while gone on "business". We have been married for 15 years and have two pre-teens. I have gone to see a counselor to try to seek forgiveness, but I just can't. She says that it is no big deal and meant nothing, but I don't see it that way. I have always believed in the vows of marriage as sacred. After I found out, my passion/romantic feelings for her are completely gone. It's like being married to my cousin, I love her, but have no passion for her. I think about what she did every day, and it tears me up. Where do I go from here? Will some of the hurt go away if I cut her loose? I have already drawn up papers for divorce, but she wants to stay married, telling me "it was a long time ago, and I don't even remember it". I feel awful for the kids. Am I being selfish wanting a divorce, or shall I start doing what I think is right for me.


does she show remorse ?


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## mbhand2k (Mar 5, 2010)

She has said that she was sorry, but I'm not sensing full remorse at all. I think she wants to stay so I can continue to be her "safety net"


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If she still tells you things like she doesn't remember it, she is not being candid about what she did. It shows a lack of regret.

She knows all the details and has had time to reflect on what she did, yet doesn't show true remorse and attempt to fix things.

Not good.

Are you positive this is a one-time thing?

What made her sister tell you about it?


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## mbhand2k (Mar 5, 2010)

No, not positive it was only once. She is, and has always been very flirtatious. Her sister told me that she had to let me know because it was eating her up inside. I guess the wife told her sister because she couldn't handle the grief, which is not fair to put that burden on her sister. Anyway, after recent happenings, I have made my decision to leave her. Just found out she has been contacting a guy she met in the grocery store. Found out last week and to my surprise, she lied about it. I told her never to contact him again, and looked up the phone records last night and early this morning to find out that she called him 5 times throughout the night. Makes my decision pretty simple, doesn't it?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Yes.. It is very simple, you don't love her, so you should leave.

You love your idea of marriage and as long as this "perfect" ideal is in place? you're able to cope. If your idea of marriage is challenged or broken by events then you run for the hills.
You're even able to shut your wife out because she damaged this "idea". Thats pretty powerful.

Not withstanding my opening sentence, im not really suggesting anything about leaving or going. I am suggesting that these events (the one night stand, or the texting) are potentially, merely signs that something is wrong, not the wrong itself.

I do have a suggestion. 
Without anger, ask her if she wants to stay together and ask yourself same question. (make sure when you ask yourself its based on how you really feel inside about your wife and NOT anger of these revelations).

If, in the answers to the question, you get anything less than commitment by the both of you, file the papers and move on.

Based on how you write, i dont think it's in you to forgive, which is an 'indication" to me, its over, but give it a go....ask the question.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

mbhand2k said:


> No, not positive it was only once. She is, and has always been very flirtatious. Her sister told me that she had to let me know because it was eating her up inside. I guess the wife told her sister because she couldn't handle the grief, which is not fair to put that burden on her sister. Anyway, after recent happenings, I have made my decision to leave her. Just found out she has been contacting a guy she met in the grocery store. Found out last week and to my surprise, she lied about it. I told her never to contact him again, and looked up the phone records last night and early this morning to find out that she called him 5 times throughout the night. Makes my decision pretty simple, doesn't it?


ok my friend do u still need to think what to do after these findings ? leave her and make it clear that u r leaving her because she has not only been cheating on u but also lying to u . It really looks like she simply doesn't care about u & never going to change even for u . 
I dont know how u have been putting up with her dishonesty for such a long time . Have some self-respect , kick her out & tell her on her face that u find her behaviour disgusting .

best of lucck


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

63Vino said:


> Yes.. It is very simple, you don't love her, so you should leave.
> 
> You love your idea of marriage and as long as this "perfect" ideal is in place? you're able to cope. If your idea of marriage is challenged or broken by events then you run for the hills.
> You're even able to shut your wife out because she damaged this "idea". Thats pretty powerful.
> ...


63Vino;133449 , u said these are signs of something is wrong , & not wrong itself ? 
I think that something is that she has been cheating on her husband which shows lack of respect for her husband & that is wrong itself . 

I dont know how can u say that it isn't in OP to forgive , do u think OP should forgive his wife when she doesn't show remorse & continued to be in contact with another guy , while op has warned her to never contact him ?

OP u can't even give a second thought on ur decison of leaving untill she proves that she is really sorry & will never go that way again .


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

bestplayer said:


> 63Vino, u said these are signs of something is wrong , & not wrong itself ?
> 
> Yep...thats what i said.
> 
> ...


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

MBHAND2K, Some women are like monkeys...afraid to let go of one branch untill they have a firm grasp of another.....cut the branch and move on.


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

No, I don't think considering a divorce is selfish at all, especially given the circumstances. You should do what is right for you so you can be happy. Staying in an unhappy relationship will adversely affect your kids in the long run anyway.


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