# Does Trust equal Lust for Ladies?



## MacMillion (May 17, 2014)

Just read an article that insists that woman have to trust a man before having sex with him. This seems to fly in the face of my own experience, our culture, and what I've heard women say.

this is a perfect site to do a survey. Ladies, is this true for you? Do you have to trust a man, or your man, before you can open up to him sexually?

MM


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MacMillion said:


> Just read an article that insists that woman have to trust a man before having sex with him. This seems to fly in the face of my own experience, our culture, and what I've heard women say.
> 
> this is a perfect site to do a survey. Ladies, is this true for you? Do you have to trust a man, or your man, before you can open up to him sexually?
> 
> MM


How could you explain one night stands or sex with guys they know aren't "good" guys?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

For me, absolutely.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would never have sex with a man I didn't trust.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Even if I LUSTED ...I would *not feel comfortable* having sex with a man unless enough time as passed, with us building some shared experiences together...to learn of his character... his Intentions towards me ...with the assurance we are "exclusive" -even having a future in mind... (this is all about *trust*)....if a woman holds a more conservative view of sexuality...she would lean more in this direction.....take this away, she may hold a "sex is just sex" view.. so these things are less of a concern..

This explains how I feel .....



> *Romantic View *~ "save yourself for the one, your beloved" ....
> 
> Sex should be reserved for those who are deeply in love with the strings of emotional attachment/commitment. Loveless sex is not appropriate, People should be sexually faithful as long as love lasts. Those who hold the romantic view often talk in terms of sex as sacred, as a Gift to be preserved & given to someone of profound significance.
> 
> ...


For the other 5 sexual views & an explanation given for each.. Click here


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I never needed to trust someone before having sex with them bc trust was non existent in my mind. 

When I got a little older I realized I was capable of trusting and that my orgasms were directly tied to my level of trust.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

One answer doesn't fit all women.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Me, personally? I need to trust someone in order to be sexually open with them. I can't be really into it, really expressive, vulnerable and orgasmic, with someone I don't trust. 

It is physically possible for me to have sex with someone I don't trust. It's just not good, I don't enjoy it, and it leaves me feeling icky and lonely. Why would I do that if I didn't have to?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

MacMillion said:


> Just read an article that insists that woman have to trust a man before having sex with him. This seems to fly in the face of my own experience, our culture, and what I've heard women say.
> 
> this is a perfect site to do a survey. Ladies, is this true for you? Do you have to trust a man, or your man, before you can open up to him sexually?
> 
> MM


For me, absolutely!

I'm petite, so I would need to trust him that he means no harm to me. So many crazy people in this world, so yes, the element of trust needs to be there so I can relax, enjoy and focus on him intimately without any "alerts" that things or attitudes could change in an instant.


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## MacMillion (May 17, 2014)

Thanks for the many replies!

So here is a few follow up questions. By mate I mean your significant other, not a date or a one night'r.

Does trusting your mate turn you on? or is trust the basis by which you get turned on by some other means?

Are there times when you feel you can have sex with your mate, even though trust has broken down? Or does trust have to be restored before you can have sex?

final question: Does the act of sex (with your mate) help you to relax and feel trusting?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MacMillion said:


> Thanks for the many replies!
> 
> So here is a few follow up questions. By mate I mean your significant other, not a date or a one night'r.
> 
> Does trusting your mate turn you on? or is trust the basis by which you get turned on by some other means?


Im not sure if trusting him turns me on but it relaxes me enough to be open about how much he turns me on.

Does that make sense? :scratchhead:



MacMillion said:


> Are there times when you feel you can have sex with your mate, even though trust has broken down? Or does trust have to be restored before you can have sex?


I haven't ever seriously lost trust for DH but I think if I did I wouldn't be able to be physical with him until the trust issue was resolved. 



MacMillion said:


> final question: Does the act of sex (with your mate) help you to relax and feel trusting?


Sex itself doesn't make me feel more trusting toward DH. It makes me feel lusty toward him and happy...REALLY happy.It makes me feel closer to him emotionally and more positive about life in general.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I never needed to trust someone before having sex with them bc trust was non existent in my mind.
> 
> When I got a little older I realized I was capable of trusting and that my orgasms were directly tied to my level of trust.


Quite similar to my wife in experience and explanation.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

MacMillion said:


> Thanks for the many replies!
> 
> So here is a few follow up questions. By mate I mean your significant other, not a date or a one night'r.
> 
> ...


The act of sex makes you relax physically of course and may temporarily provide a feeling of trust and love, but if nothing has been resolved, the walls will just come right back up again.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Hmm... was considering hysterical bonding - which seems to be heavily ignited lustful sex immediately following a terrible breach in trust. How does that fit in here?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ET1SSJonota said:


> Hmm... was considering hysterical bonding - which seems to be heavily ignited lustful sex immediately following a terrible breach in trust. How does that fit in here?


A desperate need to 'mark one's territory' and re-establish trust again?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

treyvion said:


> How could you explain one night stands or sex with guys they know aren't "good" guys?


There is a lot written these days saying that men are not horn dogs, that instead sex is how they express love and how they feel loved.

Yet we know that many, if not most men, have no problem at all with casual sex. 

Many people, men and women, compartmentalize like this.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> A desperate need to 'mark one's territory' and re-establish trust again?


Which turns it into a chicken vs. egg situation. If the trust has to come first, then the hysterical bonding wouldn't make sense. But, perhaps being vulnerable and "out there", and then being upheld can build that trust/connection fast(er)?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MacMillion said:


> Thanks for the many replies!
> 
> So here is a few follow up questions. By mate I mean your significant other, not a date or a one night'r.
> 
> ...


Trusting my mate does not turn me on.

But if I did not trust him, I would be turned off. I would not want sex with a man I could not trust.

Maybe it can be considered a gate keeper.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't think one nighters can be compared to long term relationships. One nighters have no baggage; there's nothing there so no time for resentments or other issues to build.

Longer term relationships by nature require more vulnerability, so they are more heavily influenced by trust or lack thereof. A one nighter doesn't know that I was abused as a child, doesn't know my body image issues, doesn't have a chance to piss me off in life. My ex was a nasty pr!ck who I couldn't trust with my vulnerabilities so that definitely influenced my desire for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I don't believe in sex before marriage, but when I was younger, I believe that was true for me. The few partners I had, I was friends with for years beforehand. Also, I did not trust anyone enough to let them give me an orgasm until my husband.

I suppose if I were single and did believe in premarital sex, I would have to be in an exclusive relationship and in love with them (which obviously involves trust) in order to do it. I just couldn't do it with someone who I didn't fully believe had strong feelings for me.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

Since we are talking only about sex in committed relationships then yes, trust is a necessary ingredient to wanting to have sex, but it's not generally the turn on. So trust does not equal lust. 

If I stopped trusting my partner, for whatever reason, then I'd envision the relationship ending, thus no sex. 



MacMillion said:


> Does the act of sex (with your mate) help you to relax and feel trusting?


No. The trust is the component that needs to be present before sex can occur. The act of sex is relaxing....but I don't really consider it a trust builder. In the very beginning of a relationship it is though. Learning about each other's needs and having sex helps to build trust. But once established, trust should just be a given and has little to do with long term desire. This is how it is for me, anyway.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't think one nighters can be compared to long term relationships. One nighters have no baggage; there's nothing there so no time for resentments or other issues to build.
> 
> Longer term relationships by nature require more vulnerability, so they are more heavily influenced by trust or lack thereof. A one nighter doesn't know that I was abused as a child, doesn't know my body image issues, doesn't have a chance to piss me off in life. My ex was a nasty pr!ck who I couldn't trust with my vulnerabilities so that definitely influenced my desire for him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As a female a one nighter can get you robbed or raped.

As a male, a one nighter can get you robbed or setup to be beaten or killed.

It is more risky than doing with someone you took the time to build trust with. The risk is compartamentalized and used for excitement.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

Trust can mean different things to different women

For some women it's trust that he is packing heat and can keep it up. For others is trust means that a guy won't rape them. Trust can also mean that he is the type to call the next day. I usually take these "trust" statements with a grain of salt. It's full of fluff. It's too vague of a statement.


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## MacMillion (May 17, 2014)

Many thanks for helping me understand this complex question.

Anybody honest and willing to share that even though they are connected to a trusting man (good job, supportive, in shape, no drugs, gambling, etc. etc), they still have a challenging time trusting him and opening up to him sexually? Perhaps because of some past experiences or a general poor view of men, generally speaking.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Trust of not being judged is very important. Probably more important than actual trust or love to begin with.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MacMillion said:


> Many thanks for helping me understand this complex question.
> 
> Anybody honest and willing to share that even though they are connected to a trusting man (good job, supportive, in shape, no drugs, gambling, etc. etc), they still have a challenging time trusting him and opening up to him sexually? Perhaps because of some past experiences or a general poor view of men, generally speaking.


Generally speaking, if a person has repressed sexual trauma, their trust in their spouse likely won't affect or change their behavior...especially if the trauma was very damaging to the psyche. Like a scar or bruise, it will be there regardless of the trust they feel for their spouse.

On the other hand, if a person is traumatized in this way and also wants to work with their partner or spouse with trust to move through their issues...they may choose to do this. But just realize that their spouse can't control or move this process really. The traumatized spouse will always be the one who will have to want to move through that old pain and work through the issues.

Having a trustworthy and loving spouse *in itself* probably will not inspire the traumatized spouse to do that inner work.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Fascinating thread.
AS well - such genuine and thoughtful responses and sharing.
I find it one of the most informative threads into a woman's feelings on this issue.

That said - I think most men are confused by what a woman means when she speaks of TRUST in this context.

Could any of you elaborate or better describe what trust looks like in relation to the willingness or the resistance to having sex in a committed relationship/marriage?

Thanks


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

This is truly a complex question. So many factors have to be considered. What kind of trust are we talking about?

Is it simply trust that a person not be hurt physically? Is it that you trust the person isn’t going to break your heart?

So it boils down to what are you trying to get out of the relationship? Is it, like mentioned above, just a one-night-stand to get physically needs met.

Is it a need to have long term security, physically, mentally, financially etc?

I don’t think we can possibly derive a single answer to the OP’s question.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Binji said:


> *Trust can mean different things to different women
> 
> For some women it's trust that he is packing heat and can keep it up. For others is trust means that a guy won't rape them. Trust can also mean that he is the type to call the next day.* I usually take these "trust" statements with a grain of salt. It's full of fluff. It's too vague of a statement.


Nice breakdown.. Very true.. 

Trust to me = he wants ME and only me & he's made this known by his actions and care over a period of time.. (hoping for a call the next day would not cut it).....at that point we should have met each others parents/ friends & calling each other daily.. even had a few fights for good measure...

If we can't lay in each others arms afterwards ... get mushy and talk about our future together...without his wanting to RUN the other way.. a feeling he is "ALL IN" .. I wouldn't be able to go all the way with someone...

I'd feel it is premature and a good chance he'll walk away....and I'd be very angry with myself for going too fast, putting hope where it didn't belong....being hit with his feelings not being mutual... Much regret .. I don't like regrets..


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

I doubt you'll get a universal response, since this isn't going to be the same for every woman.

For me...*YES.* 

Trust (and a pretty deep emotional connection) is absolutely critical to establish before sex. And I have a high drive, so if it was possible to get around this requirement, I would have!


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

> Does trusting your mate turn you on? or is trust the basis by which you get turned on by some other means?


No, trust doesn't turn me on. I trust my dad! 
It's still a requirement. If I don't trust you, I won't get turned on. But no, I don't get turned on BY trust. 



> Are there times when you feel you can have sex with your mate, even though trust has broken down? Or does trust have to be restored before you can have sex?


It has to be established before, if the experience isn't going to leave me in tears afterward.



> final question: Does the act of sex (with your mate) help you to relax and feel trusting?


No. If the trust is already there, and the sex was good, it will make me feel "bonded" relaxed and happy. But the trust has to be there first, or the sex will be horrible. There's no shortcut on this one for me.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

> Could any of you elaborate or better describe what trust looks like in relation to the willingness or the resistance to having sex in a committed relationship/marriage?


The trust I need is an emotional trust. Not "I know he won't hit me," or "I know he won't lose all our savings on hookers and blow." 

I need to trust that he loves me as I am, flaws and all, and that there is no risk of rejection, criticism, or emotional coldness. That's what it takes for my guard to come down, for me to really let loose enough to become sexually aroused. 

If I'm sensing that I might get hurt by this guy (emotionally hurt), that's just not going to be possible. If we've been sniping or sparring with each other, if we've been angry or tearing each other down, I'm going to need time and some reconstruction work before I'll feel that safe again.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

THAT line is reserved for guys they dont want to have sex with as badly as other guys...

women see men as a meal ticket, they make them wait for sex
women see men as a lusty bad boy, they are blowing them in the parking lot before phone numbers are even exchanged

women see the perfect guy, meal ticket AND somewhat lusty, they make them wait, only not as long

as far as lust goes, men and women are the same...society however views it differently...women who bang alot are slvts, men who bang alot are just sewing their oats

if a guy hooks up with 3 girls in one night, his buddies are envious and he has earned brownie points

if a girl hooks up with 3 dudes in one night, whe is a whoor and her girl friends are disgusted...

generaly speaking of course


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

missthelove2013 said:


> women see men as a meal ticket, they make them wait for sex
> women see men as a lusty bad boy, they are blowing them in the parking lot before phone numbers are even exchanged
> 
> women see the perfect guy, meal ticket AND somewhat lusty, they make them wait, only not as long


That's an awfully big brush to be painting with.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Originally Posted by *missthelove2013*
> *women see men as a* *meal ticket*, *they make them wait for sex*
> women see men as a lusty bad boy, they are blowing them in the parking lot before phone numbers are even exchanged
> 
> women see the perfect guy, *meal ticket* AND somewhat lusty, they make them wait, only not as long





Faeleaf said:


> That's an awfully big brush to be painting with.


I was thinking the same thing.. I never looked at my future husband as a Meal ticket, in fact, I made more money than he did when we dated / married.. we did wait to have intercourse.. No one can say HE married me for how good I was in bed...

and on the same token...No one can say I married him for his $$.... it really was about what it should be about.. Love...commitment.. to have and to hold...building a life & raising a family together.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

If you just insert "_Some foolish_" in front "_women_" in those statements, it suddenly makes a lot more sense.

But I know what you mean. My husband is not "lusty" in the least. He's a bit nerdy, socially awkward, quiet. I don't care about "looks" in the least but he's not a girl magnet, never has been. I also make more than him...something we'd both like to change, and hopefully one day it will. Still...I adore him and he's wonderful for me, so I can't keep my hands off him.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

MacMillion said:


> Just read an article that insists that woman have to trust a man before having sex with him. This seems to fly in the face of my own experience, our culture, and what I've heard women say.
> 
> this is a perfect site to do a survey. Ladies, is this true for you? Do you have to trust a man, or your man, before you can open up to him sexually?
> 
> MM


I've had many a woman "trust" me after seeing what car I drove or where I live lol:rofl:


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

Trust is definitely a big factor and for me it got more and more refined as I got older. With each relationship I learned more about myself and what I wanted in a relationship and this also meant re-defining trust for me.

My current relationship of 20+ years has been great and trust has never been broken. Thinking back to my first marriage which ended in divorce I can honestly say that once trust was broken it never returned.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Sunny - might you share - how was the trust broken that never returned?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

trust me ladies


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Without looking at other replies - yes.

ONS? Alcohol impairs judgement, and in the absence of that, there is still a level of trust. Obviously there are different kinds of trust. For instance, a ONS might not be trusted with our EMOTIONS, but they may be trusted to not be physically hurtful - not a serial killer.

I can speak from my own experience about trusting and sex as it relates to a marriage. My ex demanded sex daily or more. He often got angry and verbally abusive and physically intimidating when sex was denied. He complained I never initiated. 

Now, I don't know if I'm LD, HD or average, but I do know I didn't trust him to not be hurtful physically (he kept trying painful acts and huge painful toys) and I didn't trust him emotionally (he made fun of my body and initially lack of experience and toward the end if I acted like I enjoyed something he made fun of that by using sex talk in a demeaning way). THAT is the real reason I never initiated. After the initial 'romance' where he was constantly badgering about sex and I didn't get a CHANCE to initiate, I never wanted to because I wasn't attracted to him. I had some Os, but mostly I faked a LOT, acting over the top excited just to get him to climax sooner to get it over with.

Since him I HAVE had a relationship where I trusted someone to not be hurtful and did initiate and did relax and orgasm out of pure enjoyment of being with someone I trusted.

Should I ever find myself in a safe, loving, long-term relationship, I know I can initiate, tease, be playful, be responsive, verbal and honest sexually. But not trusting is a HUGE damper to sexuality.

I'd rather have a ONS where I trust the person to not harm my physically and not be around long enough to harm me emotionally than ever be in a relationship built on fear - fear of being hurt physically and emotionally, fear of being suddenly abandoned or cheated on, or even fear of the unknown consequences of every day things.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think a woman needs to trust her partner to get the most out of the experience. She has to trust he won't hurt her physically or emotionally. 

If she doesn't trust him fully she's more likely to be tense and not be able to fully enjoy the experience. 

She will also be more likely to experiment if she trusts that at any point during the experiment she gets uncomfortable he will stop and not judge her for it.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

*Trust is the key to many a locked door.*

_Notwithstanding the allegorical interpretation – it is something to keep in mind._


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