# Wife is enabling her live in mother



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

My wife and I have been married for 8.5 years. Her mother has lived with us in one state and then again in this state. She has lived with us for ~5 years this time. In this time we had to kick her out due to a very bad situation. She then destroyed relationships with all of her brothers in the area (5 of them) and 2 personal friends. She ended up back at our house, against my wishes, in Nov. of 2015. 

The agreement, as it was 3 times before, is that she would get a job and save money to move out. Her mom has refused options to help her in an apartment of her own. She refused anything but living with my wife. She manipulates and forces my wife to be the mediator. My wife has told me not to make her pick. I had to kick my mom out after 10 days for different reasons. She moved back with my grandmother. She left because she saw how bad my wife's mom is. I have known this and told my wife I am done.

We went to a counselor over the past month. It got down to that we both want her gone. We were working to give her 12 months to get a job and get out. We would hold in reserve 6months of rent and utilities so she couldn't use the excuse of not having enough. If she still refused, we would then file for eviction. My wife told me today that she could never do it if she had to, and she will not do it.

So, I am back at square one. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to help my MIL get her life together. My wife is acting as the parent in the relationship and believes her mom to be oblivious to the issues she is causing. My wife's brother's wife agrees with me. So does the siblings of my MIL. 

I am at the point of I am going to be bitter as my wife has chosen her mom over our relationship or she will be bitter if I kick her mom out. My wife also can't understand why I can't just pretend that everything is alright. Her mom constantly complains about having no money. She has called my wife's bluff of move out or else at least 3 times over the past 5 years. I have never met a person who would force all her obligations onto her children like my MIL does. It infuriates me to see her manipulate my wife.

I don't know what to do. I am to the point that I let my wife give her this last chance, 12 mo. If she doesn't do anything, I will look for a job out of state and move my wife and son away from her. I don't see any other option at this point. 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you my friend are at a stalemate, every move that you have performed has been undermined by either your MIL or wife, and line in the sand has been met with either them cross it...so at this point you have two choices 
1. you live with the fact she will never move out, you pray she dies sooner than later...and once she is dead you get to piss on her grave. 
2. you divorce your wife and sell the house. 

your marriage is crowd and the odd man out is you.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

What circumstances led to your MIL being with you in the first place? How old is she? Has she the skills/education to get into the workforce easily? She must offer some reason why she refuses help with other living arrangements and not looking for a job,no?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Were I you, I'd straight out tell the wife it's either her mother or you. SHE can be the one to choose. If she chooses Mommy Dearest, I hope the two of them can support themselves....


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is this the first time you have posted this story here? It sounds familiar.

In any event, you know precisely what will happen in 12 months. More of the same. Your wife and her mother are a package deal. Take it or leave it.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife and mil have a relationship,you are just a roommate.Get out now this will never change.


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

@TBT She is 55. Her husband died before I met my wife. My MIL hater here daughter in law. She has no skills. Part of the 5 year attempt was to get her into a job training program, GED program, etc... She refuses to do any of it. She has what appears to be a Borderline personality. She believes her children owe her everything in life. I've seen her lie on my wife. My wife knows it and just ignores it. She would rather not rock the boat with her.


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

I really am trying to find a solution where my mother in law makes the choice and it is glaringly obvious it is her decision. The problem I am facing is she will constantly badger my wife to make the decision for her.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Does your MIL provide non financial support to your family such as housekeeping, cooking, childcare? 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Is she from a culture where it is expected she will live with her children until she dies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

@jld: No.
@Lila

She didn't provide any help until a few months ago when she knew I was at my full tipping point. She will cook a couple times a week at most. I am the sole provider in the family. She watches our son maybe twice a month for a couple hours. She waits until someone is about to explode, then tries to smooth things over and acts like everything is ok by doing things around the house. I don't want any help from her anymore. She has tried using that by throwing it in our face. She doesn't really interact with our son. He's like a nice thing to put on the shelf, but she never will play with him or really read to him after school when my wife brings him home. Even my wife has stated that she wished her mom would interact with David the way my mom does. My mom is 58, her mom is 55. 

My wife is doing exactly what her father did. Her father made excuses for his wife to his children their entire life. She refuses to hold her mom accountable. Three years ago we tried the just help around the house spiel. That didn't work at all. All she wants is to run the house through her daughter. Like I said, out of the 5 brothers nearby, not a single one will let her back in ever. And, my MIL wouldn't accept us helping with an apartment a few miles down the road. That was too much for her to have to keep a job etc... The apartment complex is where her brother lives. All utilities for a 1 bedroom is 425/month. Nice apartments in a better side of town that where we live currently.

I even asked my wife that when she does get on medicare, who is going to be responsible for covering the difference? She won't get squat in Social Security. She isn't even willing to get a little job to help save for long term. 

I am afraid my wife is more concerned about calming the tension and solving the conflict rather than protecting our relationship. I am the one who gets told I shouldn't be upset that she manipulates my wife. My wife said it is her problem not mine. But it isn't. She refuses to accept that there are other family dynamics being influenced.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like a power struggle between your mil and you. I bet your wife is torn between her loyalties to each of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

@jld
My wife is caught in the middle and taking on the mediator role for my mother in law. I have been told I am not allow to address my MIL because it will upset her and my wife will have to deal with the consequences. So, I get to watch her manipulate my wife to get whatever she wants. She once told us that we owe her. She even once demanded to control our finances. But, I am the one who gets it from my wife. She won't confront her mom for fear she will just keep bothering her about it. 

My wife avoids any conflict and will do anything to calm something down. But then she gets mad at me for not wanting to act like everything is alright and just pretend there is nothing wrong. I deal with confrontation on a daily basis (capital equipment product development, applications, and sales engineering). I believe we have to solve the underlying problem to have a real solution. She doesn't want to deal with the real problem and my hands have been tied, so it makes it even worse for me to not be able to confront the issue. Then, taking away any repercussions makes it pointless to engage at this point given my MIL history of not doing anything, even when we threaten. 

I watched my MIL scream at a married man over the phone for 2 months she was sleeping with. I watched her calling his work and causing problems. My wife wouldn't step in on that and I wasn't allowed to either. I am completely fed up with woman(MIL). My wife is a victim in this whole thing, but I can't sit around and let this woman keep playing her mind games with my wife in the house we live in.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I certainly agree you need to solve the underlying problem to have a lasting solution. 

How did your mil try to control your finances? 

And how did you keep from at least smiling, if not outright laughing, at that? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You really are left with two choices:

*Live with it.

*Force the MIL out. 

I would give her 60 days to find a solution. On day 60, her bags would be packed and waiting for her at the door. If your wife has a come apart, I would have her bags packed as well.

You are being held emotional hostage. You are allowing it. 

Stop trying to control the situation by making your wife's choice for her. Do the right thing, and she will either follow you...or she won't. Either way it will be for the best.


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

Oh, she would never ask me anything direct. She won't. She asks my wife everything. I call her out on her garbage immediately. My wife told her no. 

I bought my MIL a used car, that she blew up, 4 years ago to help with finding a job. I've done more to help this one person out than I have a lot of people who are closer to me. One of her brothers finally gave her an old truck. But who is going to pay for the maintenance? Her son pays her insurance behind his wife's back. 

The worst part is that even if she loses both her children emotionally, she doesn't care. She already proved that once.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

huskerfan438 said:


> I really am trying to find a solution where my mother in law makes the choice and it is glaringly obvious it is her decision. The problem I am facing is she will constantly badger my wife to make the decision for her.


I state it again your at a stalemate....

from your MIL perspective what is the incentive for your MIL to get a job, to make her own meals, to get a place to do just about anything for herself.....NOTHING....NOTHING.....your wife and through your wife...you since your the sole provider provides all of that for her. She is not an idiot she is a manipulator... 

Why should she leave....look at it from her position. and since your wife is not going to throw her mom out on the street...the only options are in your hands.

Am i missing something


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

@farsidejunky & Xenote

These have been my thoughts for the past 3 months. If it weren't for my son, I think I would have already executed on that. I'm afraid she ends up with custody with my MIL in the house. That is my only fear at this point. My wife will resent me or I'm going to resent her. That I really have come to accept. I just don't know how to handle my child in this case.

My fear is that my wife will take the easy path with my son on a daily basis and be an enabler to him.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She might. Again, you can't control that, either. Your insistence on controlling the outcome has you paralyzed.

Identify your principles, analyze the situation, then make a principled decision based your analysis.

Everything else is you freezing because you can't control the outcome.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> You really are left with two choices:
> 
> *Live with it.
> 
> ...


I don't think he can legally force his wife out of the house, far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Force the MIL out, not the wife. Did I type that somewhere and miss it?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Damned no matter what you do. I suggest you move out and file for divorce. Then your wife has to decide whether to fight for her marriage by kicking her mother out, or supporting her mother. This is the only control you have - over yourself and your life.

Or, you could move again, but buy a house with no room for MIL.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> You really are left with two choices:
> 
> *Live with it.
> 
> ...





farsidejunky said:


> Force the MIL out, not the wife. Did I type that somewhere and miss it?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

huskerfan438 said:


> @TBT She is 55. Her husband died before I met my wife. My MIL hater here daughter in law. She has no skills. Part of the 5 year attempt was to get her into a job training program, GED program, etc... She refuses to do any of it. She has what appears to be a Borderline personality. She believes her children owe her everything in life. I've seen her lie on my wife. My wife knows it and just ignores it. She would rather not rock the boat with her.



Sounds more like NPD which has some similar behavioral patterns. I would view your situation between choosing your mental health or not choosing your mental health and over time, your physical well-being.

It may come down to you and her and her mother as their own side. Your MIL has no qualms in using and manipulating your wife. Detach until you can gather the strength to separate and see where her motivation lies. If she chooses he mother, well you at least have a chance to find a partner that will prioritize you more.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Gotcha. Thanks.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

How old is your son? And, What happened with the FIL? Is he no longer in the picture?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

huskerfan438 said:


> @farsidejunky & Xenote
> 
> These have been my thoughts for the past 3 months. If it weren't for my son, I think I would have already executed on that. I'm afraid she ends up with custody with my MIL in the house. That is my only fear at this point. My wife will resent me or I'm going to resent her. That I really have come to accept. I just don't know how to handle my child in this case.
> 
> My fear is that my wife will take the easy path with my son on a daily basis and be an enabler to him.


 You can increase the odds in your favor if child custody should occur. A child psychiatrist will have a lot of leverage when it comes to child custody. In the end, it is better to have one sane and healthy parent than none. Your child is likely to to become affected with the current situation through imprinting.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Gotcha. Thanks.


I think what jld was trying to say is that you pack the MIL's bags and if wife doesn't like it then wife can pack her own bags.0


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

@Tropicalbeachwish
He is 5 turning 6. My wife's dad died in 07. My wife has been taking his role since then. I met my wife while she was living away from her mom in another state. She got away to clear her head after he died. Her mom has blamed her for abandoning her since then. I have heard the words come out of her, the MIL, mouth to my wife. She sees me and my BIL's wife as outsiders and taking her children from her.
@Mr.Fisty 
You are probably correct. To me, its a nuanced difference at this point. The reality is that she is manipulating both of her children. It just so happens to be I'm with the child who is enabling her at this point.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> I think what jld was trying to say is that you pack the MIL's bags and if wife doesn't like it then wife can pack her own bags.0


I would not pack anyone's bags. I would work it out in a way everyone could live with.

If you ultimately need to say No in some areas to the MIL, say No. She might huff a little, but she will settle down. Where else is she going to go, realistically?


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

It really sounds like it's a package deal. And if you're not willing to accept the package, then you have be the one to walk. And if you walk, then you'll need to think about the custody arrangement for your son. So what's better? 1. Living with this 2. Leaving and accepting most likely that you're going to have limited custody of son and probably have to support them all. 

Were you aware of how her mother was before y'all got married?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I would not pack anyone's bags. I would work it out in a way everyone could live with."

What everyone could live with, might not be legal.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> "I would not pack anyone's bags. I would work it out in a way everyone could live with."
> 
> What everyone could live with, might not be legal.


I think OP could work this out. His frustration may just be getting the best of him right now.

OP, like others have said, you have an incentive to work this out, too. Who wants to see their son only a few days a week instead of every day?

Have you sat down with your wife and MIL and had each of you clearly state your vision of how things should be? 

Just listening to their perspectives, really trying to understand them, before sharing your own, could offer some emotional oxygen to everyone.


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

@tropicalbeachiwish
I am leaning to waiting until my son is older and can understand better what is going on. I can't abandon him. And moving out and risking seeing him on a limited basis is abandonment in my books. 

My wife has chosen to try to please everyone. I can't have one set of expectations and rules for my MIL and the rest of my family. That is wrong and sets a very bad example for my son. 

My expectation is that whoever lives with me will be involved to help make our family better. I cannot stand manipulators. I don't deal with them in my career or personal life. I never have and now I am stuck with one actively manipulating my wife and using her as a shield. So, my wife knows exactly how I feel and has chosen to not make a decision. 

When I met my wife, my mom didn't like her and wouldn't speak to me for nearly 2 years. I told my wife I chose you. It is about us. Her response was I didn't ask you to do that. 

So, I will stay put for a few more years and my wife will have to deal with me becoming more emotionally detached. As long as her mom does not take accountability for her own responsibilities, I will resent my wife for making me hold my family accountable but not hers. And if I force my wife to make the decision or if I directly intervene, she will resent me. It is a stalemate. Only my MIL choosing to move out would solve the problem....but this is not going to happen.

The worst part of this is that my wife wants her out too. She can't stand dealing with her issues... well at least that is what she says.


----------



## huskerfan438 (Oct 7, 2016)

@jld
At least 3 times a year for 5 years. This is not new. I have tried getting my MIL to see a counselor. My wife and I started seeing one. When it became evident that she, my wife, would have to be willing to stand up to her mom, my wife stopped. The first 3 to 4 years was actively trying to engage my MIL with my wife. My MIL would agree and then do nothing hoping it would just pass.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Also, your son is seeing & learning what your MIL is doing. So when it comes to your son, you both need to be very active in nipping all manipulative behaviors in the bud. Maybe you should be thankful that she's not more actively involved with your son. Otherwise, he would latch on to her.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@huskerfan438,

It seems that you're most upset about your MIL's treatment of your wife, which is understandable (you love your wife and hate to see her treated poorly) but this not something you can control. Unfortunately, your MIL's manipulative behavior towards your wife is your wife's responsibility to fix, not yours. If your wife accepts poor treatment, then that's on her. All you can do is advise her on how to stand her ground.

On the other hand, anything that directly affects you is fair game. You have EVERY right to tell your MIL that she has to pull her weight and follow house rules if she expects you to board and feed her. If your wife chooses to inject herself on behalf of her mother, ask her nicely to stop, and state strongly that the situation does not involve her and that it's something to be dealt with between you and your MIL. End of story. She may get mad but it'll get her out of the conversation. 

Whenever your MIL chooses to use your wife as the intermediary, just stop the conversation, ask her nicely to stop and state strongly that this issue does not involve her. You will address is directly with your MIL and then proceed to speak directly TO the MIL. Do this enough times and your MIL will learn to stop using your wife as the intermediary. 

Good luck,


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

okay Husker, if you need to wait until your son is older, then the first thing i would recommend is not have more children, or the cycle will only continue.

so let's state some observations

1. assume your mother in law is in for the long run and she won't die anything soon. (that is of natural causes) 
2. assume that your relationship between your wife and mother will not change either because it is a control thing with her mother and as a obedient child she will not let go until her mom dies. Please do not allow this to be passed on to your son...this is one sin that she stop with your wife, you say that now but time has a way of changing that.
3. Assume your MIL will never work

I am sure i am forgetting other assumptions but that is a start

1. please ensure that you have a natural way to vent, here, or running or the gym but do not look to smoking or drinking to deal with the pressure
2. please make sure your have your blood pressure checked, stress like this can impact your body
3. your interaction should only with with your wife, i would use 180 on your mother in law. 
4. Since the long term goal is to leave this relationship if things don't get better, you need to get your work back in the work force...even something in retail. Basically for a couple reasons
a. so she has some income coming in (if you divorce her later)
b. you tell her if her mother stays and she is not working then she has to pick up the slack
c. it will force MIL to care and so something on her own while both are out
d. give your wife time away from her mom to see her in a different light

well that's it for now


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

huskerfan438 said:


> @tropicalbeachiwish
> I am leaning to waiting until my son is older and can understand better what is going on. I can't abandon him. And moving out and risking seeing him on a limited basis is abandonment in my books.
> 
> My wife has chosen to try to please everyone. I can't have one set of expectations and rules for my MIL and the rest of my family. That is wrong and sets a very bad example for my son.
> ...



No, even if your MIL leaves, it does not solve those issues because your wife still has behaviors that is highly detrimental. You cannot trust her to do what is good for your family unit if another is placing pressure on her. Not to mention the pain and anger you are currently feeling and she has to brush that as aside so she can feel motivated not to act.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

...


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wow. The MIL is only 55. That's really young! It's not like this is an aged parent!

Your need to solve this, once and for all. She could be around for decades more, she is very young!


----------

