# Dating, Something is not Right



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am 55, boyfriend who I have been seeing for over 9 months is 61. This scenario has happened a couple times and it does not feel right to me. Boyfriend told me Sat morning that he had to mow grass and clean his house but wanted us to go to a movie and said he would make dinner before we went. So I planned accordingly. Got myself ready and had not heard from him. Normally he calls or texts me and gives me a time. By 6 pm I realize it is too late for a movie so I called him to see if we were still getting together, no answer. Sunday morn I still have not heard from him so I called him and he acts like nothing has happened and starts general chit chat. I asked him what happened to plan last night and he tells me he laid down to take a nap at 3:00 and didn't wake up til 9 pm and at that point he said he knew it was too late and he was in trouble. I am not fully buying this.

He does work some long hours, I get that. A 6 hour nap? I told him if he would have text me to let me know that he had fallen asleep it sure would have helped. His response, "how can I text when I am asleep?" I then told him when he woke at 9 pm he could have texted then but as it stood I felt blown off. he tells me he would never blow me off. What does he think he just did? This is the second time this has happened. The last time....again he said he would take me to dinner and I didn't hear back so I called to see if plans were still on, no answer. I did the same as I did this time and his response then was that he had no money and he could not admit it to me.

I get a funny feelings he is not being truthful in either situation. The man does work 70 hours a week and only has two days off in a month so I do know he gets exhausted. Normally he goes to bed early and when he does keep himself going he does finally crash.

Anyone have thought on this? I thought perhaps he was seeing someone else but he has given me is garage code and told me to come over any time. I have met and been with his family which I don't think he would do if he was hiding something.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

What happened is plausible, so let's get that out of the way but that's not even the the issue.

The real issue is how he handled it after the fact. If I had done this to someone else I would be on the phone with them AS soon as I got up at 9PM to let that person know what happened, especially if I saw missed calls, etc. That is the rude, strange and downright bizarre part of this situation. 

Secondary to that is that it's not the first time.

When I was first reading this, I thought, ok, makes sense with his working, long nap, it happens but then I got to the aftermath, his reaction, etc. What is his job? I wonder if he is in a job where there is plenty of 'opportunity', out of town, etc?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The garage code that you have; does it work? 
How does a man who works 70 hours a week not have any money? Unless he's living well above his means, that is. 

As to the nap thing, I'm not sure, and know that my own beau can nap for a good couple hours, and has been late for get togethers, but he always texts with an apology when he wakes up. It is frustrating because us as women, tend to plan our lives accordingly, then end up with a chunk of time to fill up while waiting. 

I would think that at the very least, your man should've called to let you know that he fell asleep, and that dinner/movie would have to be postponed. If it keeps happening, I would be tempted to do that to him just once, to let him know what it feels like!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think that his lack of ability to communicate normally (about dinner and finances, falling asleep) means it's time to end this. Instead he ignores you. Who wants that??


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm a man. Sometimes I get busy and just change my mind about wanting to go somewhere.

However, and here's the hard truth: If it were a woman I was bigtime fired up about seeing, one that I'd consider a long term relationship with and we were dating (butterflies and giggles and such)....... That wouldn't happen. I'd be chomping at the bit to see her.

So basically the guy is either a lazy idiot, or he's just not that into you.

I'd really consider moving on. What he did was not what a person of character would do. He'd call that day, regardless of whether he had to take a scolding. And he'd dang well say he was sorry and ask how he'd make it up to you. He just doesn't value the way you hope.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sorry, OP, your fella is either a liar, exceptionally self-absorbed, or severely conflict avoidant. And it's entirely possible he's some combination of two or more of those - plus maybe some other little landmines you haven't come across yet. None of which makes for a healthy relationship partner. Being broke or oversleeping is one thing. But not calling to discuss what's going on or apologize for standing you up? That's just not okay. 

The fact he's apparently unaware that standing up your girlfriend with no explanation isn't okay is even more troubling. I mean, does he just not have enough consideration for other people to realize it's rude? Does he just not think _you_ are worthy of consideration? Does he just not care? Is he just unable to express himself coherently or deal with conflict of any type? Nothing about this situation says anything good about him as a prospective long-term relationship partner. At all.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

If it was college kid, yes I can see falling asleep for 6 hours during the daytime. When in college, I could sleep anywhere - anytime if run down and tired. A 61 year old guy? No freaking way - I would be surprised if he could sleep 6 hours straight even at night. Only way I could see this - is if he is on drugs (for some type of health issue) or has an alcohol problem.

Other than that, this is not just fishy - it is creepy.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> I am 55, boyfriend who I have been seeing for over 9 months is 61. This scenario has happened a couple times and it does not feel right to me. Boyfriend told me Sat morning that he had to mow grass and clean his house but wanted us to go to a movie and said he would make dinner before we went. So I planned accordingly. Got myself ready and had not heard from him. Normally he calls or texts me and gives me a time. By 6 pm I realize it is too late for a movie so I called him to see if we were still getting together, no answer. Sunday morn I still have not heard from him so I called him and he acts like nothing has happened and starts general chit chat. I asked him what happened to plan last night and he tells me he laid down to take a nap at 3:00 and didn't wake up til 9 pm and at that point he said he knew it was too late and he was in trouble. I am not fully buying this.
> 
> He does work some long hours, I get that. A 6 hour nap? I told him if he would have text me to let me know that he had fallen asleep it sure would have helped. His response, "how can I text when I am asleep?" I then told him when he woke at 9 pm he could have texted then but as it stood I felt blown off. he tells me he would never blow me off. What does he think he just did?


Stop. Right. There. This is lawyer-speak excuse making, bringing up details (can't text when he is asleep) and I would never (YOUR FEEL HE DID). If he dodges this, he will make excuses, dodge and weave about anything.



> This is the second time this has happened. The last time....again he said he would take me to dinner and I didn't hear back so I called to see if plans were still on, no answer. I did the same as I did this time and his response then was that he had no money and he could not admit it to me.


Unload this turd brain. No money is nothing compared to a full on blow off. And... bull**** anyway. 



> I get a funny feelings he is not being truthful in either situation.


To me, it would not even matter. A blow off is a blow off. He blew you off with no call at all. You had to call him, and he dodged. No good. Period.


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## 55Z (May 16, 2018)

I'm 62 & I can confirm sleeping all afternoon is a reality, especially with the hours you say he works. That being said he definitely should have called you as soon as he woke up. Maybe you should consider changing his status to FWB. Then find someone who can be more communicatitve & attentive to you.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

AVR1962 said:


> I am 55, boyfriend who I have been seeing for over 9 months is 61. This scenario has happened a couple times and it does not feel right to me. Boyfriend told me Sat morning that he had to mow grass and clean his house but wanted us to go to a movie and said he would make dinner before we went. So I planned accordingly. Got myself ready and had not heard from him. Normally he calls or texts me and gives me a time. By 6 pm I realize it is too late for a movie so I called him to see if we were still getting together, no answer. Sunday morn I still have not heard from him so I called him and he acts like nothing has happened and starts general chit chat. I asked him what happened to plan last night and he tells me he laid down to take a nap at 3:00 and didn't wake up til 9 pm and at that point he said he knew it was too late and he was in trouble. I am not fully buying this.
> 
> He does work some long hours, I get that. A 6 hour nap? I told him if he would have text me to let me know that he had fallen asleep it sure would have helped. His response, "how can I text when I am asleep?" I then told him when he woke at 9 pm he could have texted then but as it stood I felt blown off. he tells me he would never blow me off. What does he think he just did? This is the second time this has happened. The last time....again he said he would take me to dinner and I didn't hear back so I called to see if plans were still on, no answer. I did the same as I did this time and his response then was that he had no money and he could not admit it to me.
> 
> ...


What does your relationship rule about such an event say? If you have never agreed on any relationship protocols, you cannot complain about it because each of you will have a different view point on the matter. If certain behaviours are important than discuss them without waiting for a crisis. Just say to him , "This is what I think about this or that. What do you think? " then discuss and agree on a compromised view point. 

Nothing can ever be obvious between two people brought up in two different homes with two different sets of ethos. When he says he wants to go out, tell him to ring an hour before to confirm.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MaiChi said:


> What does your relationship rule about such an event say? If you have never agreed on any relationship protocols, you cannot complain about it because each of you will have a different view point on the matter. If certain behaviours are important than discuss them without waiting for a crisis. Just say to him , "This is what I think about this or that. What do you think? " then discuss and agree on a compromised view point.
> 
> Nothing can ever be obvious between two people brought up in two different homes with two different sets of ethos. When he says he wants to go out, tell him to ring an hour before to confirm.


See, I would not agree here. This basic enough courtesy that if there are plans to go out, there are plans to go out. There was nothing vague here. I would not choose to date someone whose calendar I had to manage for them.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Did he ever get you the gifts he was hinting at for Christmas.I assume this is the same guy who invited you for Christmas Day and then met you in sweat pants after you dressing to the nines for him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd say that it's due time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting!" One that went into great detail that what he pulled on you had better not happen again for as long as you two are in a firm committed relationship with each other!

There's absolutely no excuse for behavior like that!*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apparently you're not as important to him as he is to you. That's not where you want to be.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Did he ever get you the gifts he was hinting at for Christmas.I assume this is the same guy who invited you for Christmas Day and then met you in sweat pants after you dressing to the nines for him.


I had forgotten this. 

If it's the same guy then for sure he's not the right one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He is either lying and was with another woman (or his drug dealer or something) or he is the world's most inconsiderate and rude jerk. 

Take your pick, which do you prefer?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Relegate him to the past. Don't spend one more minute with him. There is not even a need to tell him why. At 61, he knows what he is and isn't doing.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> I assume this is the same guy who invited you for Christmas Day and then met you in sweat pants after you dressing to the nines for him.


OMG, you are right! I remember reading that thread. Life is too damn short for this nonsense. If something doesn't feel right, then why waste precious time?

AVR, you deserve better than this. Granted, he may be a forgetful guy, but it sounds more like a case of rug-sweeping to me.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

stillfightingforus said:


> What happened is plausible, so let's get that out of the way but that's not even the the issue.
> 
> The real issue is how he handled it after the fact. If I had done this to someone else I would be on the phone with them AS soon as I got up at 9PM to let that person know what happened, especially if I saw missed calls, etc. That is the rude, strange and downright bizarre part of this situation.
> 
> ...


He is a local driver and no he does not spend time out of town.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Sorry, OP, your fella is either a liar, exceptionally self-absorbed, or severely conflict avoidant. And it's entirely possible he's some combination of two or more of those - plus maybe some other little landmines you haven't come across yet. None of which makes for a healthy relationship partner. Being broke or oversleeping is one thing. But not calling to discuss what's going on or apologize for standing you up? That's just not okay.
> 
> The fact he's apparently unaware that standing up your girlfriend with no explanation isn't okay is even more troubling. I mean, does he just not have enough consideration for other people to realize it's rude? Does he just not think _you_ are worthy of consideration? Does he just not care? Is he just unable to express himself coherently or deal with conflict of any type? Nothing about this situation says anything good about him as a prospective long-term relationship partner. At all.


Thank you! I did talk to him today and in part of our conversation he said, "I fall asleep because OI am so exhausted and I catch h***" I could not believe those words came out of his mouth. Rather than having any remorse or feeling bad I am the one that is supposed to feel bad for asking what happened?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> "I fall asleep because OI am so exhausted and I catch h***" I could not believe those words came out of his mouth. Rather than having any remorse or feeling bad I am the one that is supposed to feel bad for asking what happened?


I call total B.S. on this guy. You were married to someone like this. Don't repeat history. At the very least, he should have apologized to you for being so forgetful. Now he has the audacity to say he was rude because you are nagging him? Okay, do you ever nag him? From what you have posted, it sounds like you are more than accommodating.

P.S. - Is this the SAME guy who dropped the ball on your Christmas gift?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Did he ever get you the gifts he was hinting at for Christmas.I assume this is the same guy who invited you for Christmas Day and then met you in sweat pants after you dressing to the nines for him.


Yes, he did buy me gifts for Christmas, took the time to bring me a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's day, took me out to a real nice place on my birthday. We have spent many real fun great times together. All holidays in the last 9 months have been together including a trip out of town Memorial day weekend.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I’m a 67 yo male, I work, come home to my wife who is ill and at times care for my grandson. I also counsel people after work. Hard to believe this young fella is so tired that he missed a date with you. lol 
Yes I understand sometimes people b come so overtired they would miss something like a date with a loved one, but to blow it off and not even an apology is ignorant in my mind.
I agree with many who have posted, move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What he's really saying is this is how his life is. You have to decide if you want to be in a relationship like that.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

My opinion. I am Male. I'm older than you and younger than him. I like companionship and feel I am honest and treat any lady friends well and my nature is 1 at a time. I am not looking for and have no intention of ever marrying again. As such - I am and act the same. I am pretty reliable but once in a while something comes up - or I screw up. Oops. Sorry. But not going to dwell on how I let you down or "make it up to you". 

In my opinion, if you are looking for a marriage like life partner then you need to tell him so - or accept and enjoy the time you do spend with him. Given the "I expect more" speech - and I have been, I have and said nope - this is me. I like you and would like to continue seeing you. But if it's not enough for you I'm sorry and understand. Best of luck.

For some of us, having a girlfriend is a nice thing. But not something we are going to work hard at. Been there - done that, not worth getting worked up over and spending much extra not wanted effort to maintain. They are always some work and can be worth the effort - but when older IMO (for me) that effort level declines significantly. I want to spend available time with someone and have fun. But I am not married to you and will not be - and/or told or held to some "expectation". I am fine with me. It's OK if you aren't.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Now you know why he is single. Who does he work for that he only gets two days off a month and has to work 70-80 hours a week? That sounds strange. Does he like to gamble?


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Something's not right. As my late Mother would say 'he's not all there'. I would flag it and move on. Time is precious.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I call total B.S. on this guy. You were married to someone like this. Don't repeat history. At the very least, he should have apologized to you for being so forgetful. Now he has the audacity to say he was rude because you are nagging him? Okay, do you ever nag him? From what you have posted, it sounds like you are more than accommodating.
> 
> P.S. - Is this the SAME guy who dropped the ball on your Christmas gift?


Yes, same guy. I have never nagged, never even raised my voice, we have not had one fight.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

2&out said:


> My opinion. I am Male. I'm older than you and younger than him. I like companionship and feel I am honest and treat any lady friends well and my nature is 1 at a time. I am not looking for and have no intention of ever marrying again. As such - I am and act the same. I am pretty reliable but once in a while something comes up - or I screw up. Oops. Sorry. But not going to dwell on how I let you down or "make it up to you".
> 
> In my opinion, if you are looking for a marriage like life partner then you need to tell him so - or accept and enjoy the time you do spend with him. Given the "I expect more" speech - and I have been, I have and said nope - this is me. I like you and would like to continue seeing you. But if it's not enough for you I'm sorry and understand. Best of luck.
> 
> For some of us, having a girlfriend is a nice thing. But not something we are going to work hard at. Been there - done that, not worth getting worked up over and spending much extra not wanted effort to maintain. They are always some work and can be worth the effort - but when older IMO (for me) that effort level declines significantly. I want to spend available time with someone and have fun. But I am not married to you and will not be - and/or told or held to some "expectation". I am fine with me. It's OK if you aren't.


2&out, I get what you are saying. However, in this situation this man has been telling me he wants us to be forever, he has talked about us living together and wondered how I felt about either living in his house, in mine or going a whole other route with a place of our own together. He is the one bringing up the subject, not me. He has expressed his love for me, he has told me that he is not dating to just have sex or have someone in his life. He says he had his fun oin his younger days but he is ready to settle down and be with someone the rest of his life. This all has come from him without me asking him questions or prompting him. There has never been an "I expect more" speech.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Now you know why he is single. Who does he work for that he only gets two days off a month and has to work 70-80 hours a week? That sounds strange. Does he like to gamble?


He does not gamble, he does not go out to dinner or spend time in clubs drinking, he does not do drugs. He works for two different driving companies. He had got himself in a financial bind with lack of work and he got behind on his bills. He finally quit the company he was working for and went this route. He is very smart, very perceptive and I really have to hand it to him for not doing what many would do when they got behind on their bills by filing bankruptcy. Unfortunately he has worked this crazy hours now for close to a year and I have watched as the stress gets to be too much for him and he has to pull back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> 2&out, I get what you are saying. However, in this situation this man has been telling me he wants us to be forever, he has talked about us living together and wondered how I felt about either living in his house, in mine or going a whole other route with a place of our own together. He is the one bringing up the subject, not me. He has expressed his love for me, he has told me that he is not dating to just have sex or have someone in his life. He says he had his fun oin his younger days but he is ready to settle down and be with someone the rest of his life. This all has come from him without me asking him questions or prompting him. There has never been an "I expect more" speech.


Yea, I had a boyfriend who was like this. After we married I found out that he was dating other women the entire time. Also was in contact with other women online, sexting, etc. I discovered all this a year after we married.

He always had good reasons when he was not available.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> He works for two different driving companies.


Driving companies? Does he drive vehicle from one location to another? Does this mean that he takes over night trips sometimes? Maybe even often?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

2&out said:


> My opinion. I am Male. I'm older than you and younger than him. I like companionship and feel I am honest and treat any lady friends well and my nature is 1 at a time. I am not looking for and have no intention of ever marrying again. As such - I am and act the same. I am pretty reliable but once in a while something comes up - or I screw up. Oops. Sorry. But not going to dwell on how I let you down or "make it up to you".
> 
> In my opinion, if you are looking for a marriage like life partner then you need to tell him so - or accept and enjoy the time you do spend with him. Given the "I expect more" speech - and I have been, I have and said nope - this is me. I like you and would like to continue seeing you. But if it's not enough for you I'm sorry and understand. Best of luck.
> 
> For some of us, having a girlfriend is a nice thing. But not something we are going to work hard at. Been there - done that, not worth getting worked up over and spending much extra not wanted effort to maintain. They are always some work and can be worth the effort - but when older IMO (for me) that effort level declines significantly. I want to spend available time with someone and have fun. But I am not married to you and will not be - and/or told or held to some "expectation". I am fine with me. It's OK if you aren't.


OP said the guy made specific plans with her and was going to cook dinner. She never heard from him that day or night and eventually contacted him the next day. Had nothing to do with getting married so not sure why that would be part of your response.

So you must treat your friends this way, too, no one can have any expectations of a courteous dynamic with you when you make plans and then something happens? You just go no contact? People can't "expect" a courteous communication from you about the broken plans?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

here's the thing (after reading through this thread):

you are still in the 'honeymoon phase'. everyone is on their BEST behavior during this phase. 
our personal faults are diminished during this phase, both because we act differently and becasue
we tend to ignore the little things because of the fog of infatuation.

so............then our faults are amplified quite a bit when the honeymoon phase is over and we start seeing the 'real' person with all their warts.
after we let our guard down and become the person we really are.

the point is, if this guy is acting this way during his 'best behavior', then it will be quite a bit more like this when the honeymoon is over.
passing the blame to you.

the signs are not good.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> I am 55, boyfriend who I have been seeing for over 9 months is 61. This scenario has happened a couple times and it does not feel right to me. Boyfriend told me Sat morning that he had to mow grass and clean his house but wanted us to go to a movie and said he would make dinner before we went. So I planned accordingly. Got myself ready and had not heard from him. Normally he calls or texts me and gives me a time. By 6 pm I realize it is too late for a movie so I called him to see if we were still getting together, no answer. Sunday morn I still have not heard from him so I called him and he acts like nothing has happened and starts general chit chat. I asked him what happened to plan last night and he tells me he laid down to take a nap at 3:00 and didn't wake up til 9 pm and at that point he said he knew it was too late and he was in trouble. I am not fully buying this.
> 
> He does work some long hours, I get that. A 6 hour nap? I told him if he would have text me to let me know that he had fallen asleep it sure would have helped. His response, "how can I text when I am asleep?" I then told him when he woke at 9 pm he could have texted then but as it stood I felt blown off. he tells me he would never blow me off. What does he think he just did? This is the second time this has happened. The last time....again he said he would take me to dinner and I didn't hear back so I called to see if plans were still on, no answer. I did the same as I did this time and his response then was that he had no money and he could not admit it to me.
> 
> ...


Doesn't pass the sniff test for all of the reasons others have said. Especially evinrude's thoughts.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I dated a guy in his late thirties (I am in my forties) for six months. I had no expectations when we started, but he always said that he sees me as a life partner, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He gave the key to his place and he was very nice and considerate for the most part. I say for the most part, because on some rare occasions he blew me off and blamed it on his busy schedule and weak memory. He always claimed that he had a weak memory, which allowed him to conveniently forget some things and not others. 

He was busy most of the time because he said that he was taking online courses to earn various certificates (he works in IT) to keep advancing his career. He sounded like an ambitious person who cares about ameliorating himself. He was talking about his tests and test scores and courses very often. I have a busy life myself, so I didn't mind having a boyfriend who is busy with productive activities, and it never occurred to me that he might be lying. 

Turned out that he just took one easy class for a certificate. As for the rest of the classes he claimed to be taking, it turned out he was having an affair with a married woman, and this is what was keeping him busy. 

I am not saying that your boyfriend is having an affair. He might or might not. But his neglectful attitude towards you means that you are not priority or even important for him. You are somebody to spend time with when he wants to. Judge him by his actions and not his words. You can either treat him the same way he treats you, i.e., not as a priority, or if it's not a relation that you think you would be confortable or happy pursuing, then it's better to move on.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm a man. Sometimes I get busy and just change my mind about wanting to go somewhere.
> 
> However, and here's the hard truth: If it were a woman I was bigtime fired up about seeing, one that I'd consider a long term relationship with and we were dating (butterflies and giggles and such)....... That wouldn't happen. I'd be chomping at the bit to see her.
> 
> ...


that's the answer


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

He's a drug addict and goes on drug binges.

That's my guess FWIW.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Trident said:


> He's a drug addict and goes on drug binges.
> 
> That's my guess FWIW.


Whatever is going on, he would not be good in a marriage, or LTR. He already has established a pattern, and will most likely not stop.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Trust your "funny feeling". That's your head trying to sort this out. Don't rely on your heart to help you -- it will turn a blind eye at this stage.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

AVR - OP. Thx for response. I had it wrong. If he is/has been talking committed then that is different thing. Selling homes, moving in with each other, at less than 9 months ? At our age ? Sorry - but that is red flag IMO. Also my opinion - let him get his sh*t together financially and work hours wise, and then he actively pursue you. If he likes you so much to be talking permanent, he will. Or won't. Make a timeline that works for you for this... don't do the "a little more time". Some people never really get their sh*t together regardless of intention.

Livvie. Your point is good and fair - and made me think. I don't do on purpose - usually. A plan and then un-answered phone call is a good clue. My circle knows I usually show up and do what I said I was planning. A couple not answered calls or Txt they know something changed. Doesn't happen a lot. But guess I am lucky and they don't hold against me. Or me them - goes both ways. We do not take as personal - just that sh*t happens.

A PS. This post drew up a past thing for me. Was seeing a lady I liked a lot and did stuff with. Made a plan with for a Sat night. Couple buddies came over earlier to work on cars (special ones - my "circle"). A few beverages. Went to clean up, shower, and oops - laid down. Missed several calls and txt conked out. She called next day very pissed which I don't blame her for. I tried to apologize. No can do - not happening. We *tried* to talk (or really me just get criticized) and I knew it was over. I went dark/no further response. Done. I'm too old for the BS and this level of relationship "work" anymore.


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

I think he is not serious with a relationship with you. There may be any reason. You should talk to him and clear the things.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@AVR1962, you went through way too much crap for too long with your ex husband to put up with crap like this. Your gut is talking to you, I can tell by your thread title. Listen to it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kick him to the kerb. You've been through too much to put up with this bs.

I could forgive the nap thing ONCE. But twice? Nuh uh. 

You're chasing him hon, you need to stop. If I were dating a man, and we had firm plans and I didn't hear from him I wouldn't contact him to find out what was happening, I'd go do something else. 

Something is definitely not right here, but whatever it is, it's not your problem. Just move on.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It’s not that complicated you just are not compatible. Some men and women are just this flakey and unreliable. I can’t stand them. I would never do that to someone I had plans with and I would expect the same. He isn’t the right guy for you. Time to move on


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Last weekend I was supposed to attend an event at 8 pm where my fiancee had a small speaking part. It's an hour drive to get there, and my fiancee was going to drive there from her DD's house and I was to meet her there. Soooo...

After working outside for most of the day, I came in, took a shower, sat in my big comfy chair, turned on the TV, and promptly fell asleep at around 5 pm. My fiancee woke me up at 11 pm and I went into an immediate panic mode. My phone had died on the table next to me, so neither my event alarm nor her calls could wake me up. 

So, I've been there and I'm only 54. The difference is, I don't blame her, I blame myself and apologized profusely. I will be kissing her arse for weeks to make up for it. I felt horrible about it. I have a feeling it will be one of those moments that ten years from now she'll be reminding me about when we have an argument.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have gotten into the habit of picking men who aren't emotionally available - ex#2, last boyfriend and now this one. Plus, you stick around way too long after cracks start to appear. Both of your last two boyfriends were waving bright red flags within 90 days. A tip from earthquake country: when cracks in the earth start appearing - RUN!

You have now wasted another 6 months of your life on a guy who can't or won't meet your expectations. It's your life; waste it or not.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

He sounds like an asshat. Move on


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

AVR He is conflict avoidant and wants to be-do more than he can for now. He sounds like he was too embarrassed to call you, hoping it would all go away if enough time passed.

Too many people jump to the conclusion he has another GF. He is doing the decent thing by paying off his debts and that is going to cut in on the time and money he spends with you.

How long will he have to work 70 hrs a week to get caught up on his debts? Are you willing to wait? Did you suggest/negotiate if the late thing happens again, you would rather be called ASAP and say you won't make him feel like a loser, that you would rather now ASAP rather than much later. This also comes with a "don't make this a habit" to him from your end.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Driving companies? Does he drive vehicle from one location to another? Does this mean that he takes over night trips sometimes? Maybe even often?


No, no overnights.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Handy said:


> AVR He is conflict avoidant and wants to be-do more than he can for now. He sounds like he was too embarrassed to call you, hoping it would all go away if enough time passed.
> 
> Too many people jump to the conclusion he has another GF. He is doing the decent thing by paying off his debts and that is going to cut in on the time and money he spends with you.
> 
> How long will he have to work 70 hrs a week to get caught up on his debts? Are you willing to wait? Did you suggest/negotiate if the late thing happens again, you would rather be called ASAP and say you won't make him feel like a loser, that you would rather now ASAP rather than much later. This also comes with a "don't make this a habit" to him from your end.


He is hoping to have all this cleared up next month.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@AVR1962, you are being very tight lipped about this after everyone weighing in... care to share your thoughts?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I don't necessarily think he has another GF. 

Not even thinking of a nefarious scenario, I think on its face, the way he treated her those 2 times would be enough for me to pull the plug if I were in her shoes. 

He promised dinner the first time, only to fall off the face of the earth, then said he was embarrassed because he had no money to take her out. Did he not know this when he initially promised dinner? Doesn't make sense. I totally get people living on a budget and being strapped for cash. But to make plans, presumably knowing he couldn't afford it?!

Then with the most recent ghosting. It's totally plausible he took a 6 hour nap, sounds like he works really hard. Good for him, I say. But to not call when he woke up?! After they had concrete plans? It's rude. Hell, friends in healthy friendships don't even do that to each other.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you feel something isn't right and you aren't comfortable with the way he's behaving, why not just break it off and move on?

You aren't living with him. There is no solid commitment like an engagement. Maybe he just isn't the best match for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When he clears up his debt, you'll still be left with an inconsiderate and self-pitying guy who doesn't like to be held accountable for his actions. He's 61 going on 12.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AVR,

You're already making excuses for his bad behavior. He's also making excuses.

He is not treating you like someone he can't live without. He's making it known to you that he CAN.

You aren't as high up his priority ladder as you should be as a new "love".

I'd really think hard about moving past him. He's not "all that", that's for sure.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You settled in both your marriages. Don't settle this time.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> @AVR1962, you are being very tight lipped about this after everyone weighing in... care to share your thoughts?


I get real tired of all the replies to dump someone, it seems like that is always the solution on this forum. The man has worked some incredible hours since we met and for that I give him a big hand. I do know that he is not telling stories about his hours or where he is as we talk while he is on the road, sometimes for 3 hours at a stretch, depending on my schedule. He gets drug tests on a regular basis in his line of work and just had to do one recently and I do not suspect drugs. I really do not think there is another girl involved here. I think Handy probably summed it up well in his reply, probably conflict avoidant. However, we have since talked and seen each other since and he actually brought up the subject of the whole incident. I do believe him when he says he fell asleep. This last Saturday we again made plans and this time he set an alarm and he let me know. He also gave me the key to his house and told me to not be afraid to wake me up if it happens again. He told me his plans for the next month and how he wants to make things different with his work hours.

Just yesterday I was talking with one of my lady friends and listening to myself I realize how well this man does treat me. I lost cool air with my air conditioner this past week. I work partly from home and temps outside were 109-110 when my air went out. Temps inside the house reached 100 before a repairman could get to me. As soon as my boyfriend realized what was going on he told me to open up a window. I was thinking this was crazy and kept talking. He called me by my name, normally he calls me "love" or "babe" (which I always like to hear), and told me to go open a window. After I did he told me to go to the other end of the house and open up another window to create air-flow in the house. He asked me if I was feeling okay, checked back in with me and told me if the air went out again, no matter what time of day or night, to go to his house. I teach mostly children for a living and I have talked about lots of my students with him. Thing is he doesn't just listen he then days later asks me how this or that turned out with this student. Or he will ask me if "this is the student that ______?" So he is hearing me. He holds my hand and kisses me without me having to be the first one to show affection, he has no issues being affectionate which I am real thankful for. I will talk to him about various life issues and he has such a insightful way of responding. I have told him things that might have made him run as my life has not been all glitz and glamour, yet he has been so supportive and understanding. Although he has worked some long hours we have spent a fair amount of time together doing all kinds of different activities, he shares in my interests and vise versa, I can actually say I have watched basketball on TV and enjoyed it watching it with him. When we are out he is not looking at every lady that walks by and he doesn't have his phone by his side. We both turn the ringer off on our phones when we are together and I appreciate this. He is a gentleman and opens doors for me which I have learned to like. He dresses well when we go out. He is clean about himself, not a speck of dust on his car and for a man I have to give him credit on his house. He cooks his own meals rather than eating out or opening up a frozen dinner and is actually health conscience which means something to me.

When I started dating after my divorce I must have gone out with 20 different men, most dates did not go beyond the first one. For me something was wrong with each one of them. Those that made it to date 2 also were gone after that date and it was me saying I was not interested. There was probably another dozen men I either chatted with or texted back and forth on top of these, some I never met because I didn't like that they could not call....I don't like to meet thru texts, calling is important. This man intrigues me, I think about him all of the time quite honestly, I find him very attractive....doesn't look or act 61. I keep waiting for the hormones to subside but they get the best of me. This weekend we had dinner together and just looking at him while he was explaining his plans for the month ahead I just saw an incredibly handsome man sitting across from me which I had no problems expressing. He held my hand and thanked me saying, "coming from such a beautiful young lady like yourself this means alot to me." We have been together now for almost 10 months and my heart still beats double time for this man.

Sure I have concerns but for now I am enjoying this man's company. I feel the issue at hand was addressed and I can say I have not been happier.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> I get real tired of all the replies to dump someone, it seems like that is always the solution on this forum.


I know right? That is the standard answer for even the small stuff. Unless in cases of PHYSICAL abuse if a person is asking how to live with a situation why tell them to leave especially if they didn't ask if they should? If you have no advice for them other than leaving then why respond?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> I get real tired of all the replies to dump someone, it seems like that is always the solution on this forum. The man has worked some incredible hours since we met and for that I give him a big hand. I do know that he is not telling stories about his hours or where he is as we talk while he is on the road, sometimes for 3 hours at a stretch, depending on my schedule. He gets drug tests on a regular basis in his line of work and just had to do one recently and I do not suspect drugs. I really do not think there is another girl involved here. I think Handy probably summed it up well in his reply, probably conflict avoidant. However, we have since talked and seen each other since and he actually brought up the subject of the whole incident. I do believe him when he says he fell asleep.


Yeah, I hear you. I do. My advice was not based on the risk of drugs, cheating or anything else. Yes, I did advise moving on. It was not that he fell asleep. It was his reaction to falling asleep and not bothering to contact you and the history of his blowing off plans in the past.



> This last Saturday we again made plans and this time he set an alarm and he let me know. He also gave me the key to his house and told me to not be afraid to wake me up if it happens again. He told me his plans for the next month and how he wants to make things different with his work hours.
> 
> Just yesterday I was talking with one of my lady friends and listening to myself I realize how well this man does treat me.


Sounds good. Good luck!


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