# Her brother comes over every Saturday night



## StressedBoyfriend (May 18, 2015)

I have been dating a girl for a year and a half and we plan on moving in together in October and getting married sometime in 2016 and everything is going great. However, her brother comes over every Saturday night and stays until 11:00 and it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. He is a poor soul who lives with his parents and has been doing this the past 15 years. My girlfriend feels like she can't cut him off but she doesn't want me to leave when he comes over either. She has arranged for us to have 1 Saturday a month to ourselves which I appreciate but being around him still stresses me out, he is an extreme introvert and is happy to sit and stare at his phone. We are talking about going to counseling which I am all for, I would like a professional to either say yes it's ok to go do something else while they visit or for me to reailze how good I have it with my girlfriend and suck it up. Interested to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

StressedBoyfriend said:


> I have been dating a girl for a year and a half and we plan on moving in together in October and getting married sometime in 2016 and everything is going great. However, her brother comes over every Saturday night and stays until 11:00 and it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. He is a poor soul who lives with his parents and has been doing this the past 15 years. My girlfriend feels like she can't cut him off but she doesn't want me to leave when he comes over either. She has arranged for us to have 1 Saturday a month to ourselves which I appreciate but being around him still stresses me out, he is an extreme introvert and is happy to sit and stare at his phone. We are talking about going to counseling which I am all for, I would like a professional to either say yes it's ok to go do something else while they visit or for me to reailze how good I have it with my girlfriend and suck it up. Interested to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.


I haven't been in the same situation because I wouldn't allow it. Boundaries my friend...

What would the ideal situation look like for both of you? Find that out and put it into place. 

Ask your GF what is more important to her, your R or him coming over weekly and coddling him.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Sadly, I think we all see what male is most important to her. Best guess at fixing this is telling the brother yourself then. Not ideal, but she won't do this (although it should come from her). This is the woman you are choosing to be with who puts you 2nd behind her brother. 

She doesn't want you to leave?...TOO BAD!! If it continues after you tell her she needs to stop this silliness (or you have to because she is weak AND it is unsuccessful) you MUST leave! Otherwise you are enabling her poor behavior and attitudes towards her brother. You need to sort this out before the October move in day arrives, or she doesn't get to play house with you.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

If she insists on her brother coming over every Saturday night, then she can entertain him. Her brother is not your responsibility to entertain, especially if you both aren't even living with each other. Before you move in together, this is one thing you will have to resolve BEFORE moving in together. Or this will become a sore spot & cause resentment.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

How old are you two and brother? If the brother has been doing this for 15 years he's got to be 30+? She's just enabling him. He has failed to launch. He needs to be catapulted out into the world and letting him come over isn't helping. Her parents should get on board and sit him down and lay down some serious boundaries. And frankly if that doesn't happen, I see a life where you live with her and brother moves IN. 

Talk to her about it, make the suggestion. Wait and watch and see what happens. If nothing changes, break it off and move on.


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## StressedBoyfriend (May 18, 2015)

UPDATE: We went and spoke with a counselor and it appears to be a classic co-dependent relationship. I can't believe I didn't see that myself. The counselor advised she take care of herself first,our relationship second and that there isn't room for 3 in a relationship. He also advised to offer him time to visit on a non-weekend day but that to expect him to completely disengage. After a period of time a normal relationship with clearly defined boudaries can be established. What a relief! We are going to go back to this guy for pre-marriage counseling. I wish we had gone earlier. Don't wait until things are really bad to talk to a counselor.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may suggest bringing the brother in next time...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that the brother is content to just look at his phone the whole time he's at her place. 

Is he texting? If so to whom? or is he playing games.

If he's just looking at his phone. do either you or your gf really interact with him much while he's there?

just curious.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

StressedBoyfriend said:


> he is an extreme introvert and is happy to sit and stare at his phone.


Good news! He can do that almost anywhere! 

Let him hang out on the porch and call it a night.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

You two aren't married, yet, and part of marriage is.....wait for it.....listening to each other and coming to an agreement. This WILL be an issue if it is not resolved before marriage. There has got to be a compromise. He can visit once a month? For a day or few hours? When you are around or not around? Make the message direct and clear. 
You know, it's becoming a norm to hear of grown kids (20s) being introverts..


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Angelou said:


> You know, it's becoming a norm to hear of grown kids (20s) being introverts..


Thank their phones, Twitter and Facebook. Hundreds and hundreds of friends none of whom they've actually met.


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