# Why this day and age do so many get divorced



## mojosurfer (Apr 28, 2015)

I've become aware of this as I myself have been alerted by my wife who has just separated from me. This is the third day in, and though I've seen it coming, is still unbearably hard. Maybe it's all the emotions over the years coming to surface. I want to be strong, please tell me this gets easier. I'm a husband at 43 years old, we have 2 kids. How will I ever date again, who will want me, and I don't want to go through this again.
I just had to add make up under my eyes before I went to work. When do I stop crying.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is hard to go through. I'm sorry that you are.

Do you have anyone in your real life who you can talk to, maybe a family member or someone in family?

One thing that might help is for you to take a few days off work if you can.

How long have you been married? 
How old are your children?

The best thing you could do right now is to focus on yourself and your children.

Find things to do that are good for you, like get to the gym, get involved in things that you enjoy doing.

Start interacting with her according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below.) Doing this will help you handle the situation emotionally and will make you stronger. 

Right now, being concerned about dating is not where your focus needs to be. There will most likely come a time when you start dating. And believe me, there are good women out there who will be more than pleased to be with you.

Hand in there. Keep posting. There is almost always someone here to talk to.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Marriages have always had a high rate of unhappiness, only today it is much more socially acceptable to get divorced than it once was. 

This article is related in that it shows that not so long ago, people would rather that their spouse have an affair than they get divorced. People tolerate being unhappy much less and divorce is no longer the taboo it once was. 

How Marital Infidelity Became America's Last Sexual Taboo - The Atlantic

EDIT: This should answer your 'why' question. Ele has the advice you need to move on. You can make this into the best thing that has ever happened to you.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

mojo, it is hard now, and will be for a while, but it will get better, especially if you take care of yourself as EleGirl suggests.

As for moving on and your concern about who will want you, it's a bit soon to think about that too much, but taking care of yourself will prepare you. The thing is, at your age (and for the next 5 years or so) you are in a sweet spot as far as dating goes. Assuming you are reasonably attractive, sane, a good person, and employed, you'll have many options. The best years of my life were in my mid-40's newly separated, and getting back into dating. You can make it a good experience too, once you are ready. Take your time and deal with the current issues first.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

mojosurfer said:


> I've become aware of this as I myself have been alerted by my wife who has just separated from me. This is the third day in, and though I've seen it coming, is still unbearably hard. Maybe it's all the emotions over the years coming to surface. I want to be strong, please tell me this gets easier. I'm a husband at 43 years old, we have 2 kids. How will I ever date again, who will want me, and I don't want to go through this again.
> I just had to add make up under my eyes before I went to work. When do I stop crying.


Everyone who has experienced separation and/or divorced, has asked themselves the exact same questions. Even if they haven't admitted it out loud to others.

Take extra-good care of yourself. Be KIND to yourself. Give yourself a few days away from work, if you need to, and do things you enjoy doing, that you were unable to do with your wife around. For me, it was blasting the music up in my car and listening to Coldplay sing "Paradise" during almost every drive those first few weeks. I still blast the music up, but listen to other stuff as well. 

One day, this will be "something that you went through" and, if you choose (yes, CHOOSE) then you can come out of it a stronger and better person. That is a conscious choice you must decide to make. You can let all the bad feelings and thoughts completely control your life, or you can let each bad feeling/thought into the gate one by one, and out one by one. Let yourself cry! You are grieving. Divorce feels like the death of many loved ones at once - but just as we heal from the death of a loved one and learn to appreciate the goodness they brought in to our lives, you will also one day look back and appreciate your marriage (you have two beautiful kids, don't you?) and be glad you've moved on.

I wish you best of luck and God bless!


----------



## mojosurfer (Apr 28, 2015)

Thanks elegirl.

Been married for 17 years. Two boys, 10 and 13.
Started a daily journal just this morning, and it has helped me put things in perspective. 
Still have allot of questions with probably never any answers.


----------



## mojosurfer (Apr 28, 2015)

Thanks eggs.
I just wish that I had the love my grandparents (87-89) still have, good bless them.


----------



## mojosurfer (Apr 28, 2015)

Thanks happy. I just feel overwhelmed with so many thoughts, and I'm not getting any younger. My biggest fear is that I'll grow old alone and unloved.


----------



## mojosurfer (Apr 28, 2015)

Thanks orange. 
Great advice. All the replies today have really helped.


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Once the worst of the emotions are spent...you will feel better. And you are young...you will have as many more relationships as you choose, casual or serious, long or short or just for fun. Just don't dive into a serious one too soon...and make sure the women you meet want the same thing you do. In the meantime, spend time with your kids, start looking ahead. It does get better. I am five months separated from a 20-year marriage, and find I love living alone. Not dating yet but did adopt an adorable little dog.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mojosurfer said:


> Thanks happy. I just feel overwhelmed with so many thoughts, and I'm not getting any younger. My biggest fear is that I'll grow old alone and unloved.


Yea, you are not getting any younger, but from where I'm sitting you are still young. I'm turning 66 this summer. You are in the prime of your life right now.

If you do not want to grow old alone, you won't. The trick is to learn from this marriage. What were the good things. What were the mistakes. Even if your wife changed her mind next week, you would need to go through that thought process. You need to learn from this and take the lessons forward.


----------



## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

There is a huge body of knowledge here and on the net on how to win her back if that is what you want. C'mon people lets tell this guy there are options.

Read Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner Davis and google "how to win your wife back"

It's done every day and all of the moves are

1. Very healthy for you even if she doesn't come back
2. A direction to invest your energy in and give you hope
3. Proven and consistent consensus
4. Helpful to alleviate some of the pain over time
5. Can result in a marriage that is better than ever. 

it is never to late to save your marriage even AFTER divorce. Bottom line is if you want to save your marriage, there is a huge knowledge base on what to do. 

I did it and the personal growth has been good for me. 

You will be amazed how much you can begin to understand about why these things happen and they can be FIXED

All the best. Keep your chin up and read your butt off


----------



## mojosurfer (Apr 28, 2015)

Created a new mantra this morning. STOD, stand Strong, stand Tall, Overcome, Don't quit.
I have been repeating quite frequently since. I will pass this on to my kids.

One analogy I thought of I'd share - it feels like I'm sinking in the ocean looking back at the sun, slowly fading and glimmering and I'm trying to swim to the brighter light, but the ocean is deep, and heavy. I can swim though.

Regarding the comment made by Anothershot. I believe there are truly incompatible people out there, no matter how hard you try to be compatible. It's like two of the same forces of a magnet will never stay together. I had always been "all-in" to make it work with counseling, etc. but it was always lopsided on my part. There was no investment from her to work to be compatible. I do agree, marriage takes a lot of work, but it's got to be by both folks. I was willing, she was not. 

Thanks to all for chatting.


----------

