# In trouble again...



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I haven't been on the forum much lately because our situation has been improving. We have been making time for each other, usually on the weekend. It seems to be helping.

I'm not sure if anyone can give any advice that hasn't already been given, but I need a place to vent. Work has been extremely difficult for me over the past couple of weeks. I come home exhausted. On top of that, I have fallen into a cycle of anxiety, irritability, and depression. This has once again taken its toll on my marriage. 

It seems like we've reverted to the place we were only a few weeks ago. I know it will take consistent effort to improve and maintain our marriage, but when I feel down, I really don't need him making me feel worse. I know I have not been affectionate or attentive toward him. I've been so preoccupied with school stuff. I feel overwhelmed and just don't have the motivation to do more than what is necessary to survive each day.

I know this isn't anything that those of you who know me haven't heard before. I'm not sure if there's anything that can be done other than to just ride this one out like the rest. I'm not sure my husband will continue to put up with me forever though....and who could blame him?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If you focused on meeting your husband's needs, and he focused on meeting yours, all would be well. But of course life would be very quiet if we all did that, and Chris would nit be running this forum. Let's face it you have BP, so you are going to have to live with being a bit up and down. I am a bit OCD. I don't know anyone who has not got some sort of a problem. The successful ones manage their problems, and head off situations before they become terminal. It won't hurt you to be be more giving, and it will take your mind of yourself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I was just curious if you like alone time? I started going to counseling and my counselor pointed out that alone time is really important to me. I hadn't noticed until she pointed it out. So now, once a week, I go off in the woods by myself for awhile (well, my dog comes). It really helps my anxiety.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

The idea of space and alone time might have good merit. Back a few years ago I worked a stressful job. I use to come home spent 15 minutes on the porch then spent another 45 minutes on the computer before delving into daily life. It gave me time to unwind and handle my family without bring the issues of work into it.

draconis


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## Mary-Lou (Oct 4, 2008)

Maybe you should just tlakl to your husband about what you just told us above.
Its clearly define and anyone can set themselves into it and understadn the problem.
You just cant cope with more sometimes thats natural.
Just tell him so and that you are sorry.
You need some SPA and soem oyu time i agree with that.
Cause how can you give him what you do not have and even lack for yourself?
You need to destress a bit have soem space for you and feresh air, and that your husband is part of it wont hurt too.. to achieve that make him part of it by simply asking him if he would like for th etwo of you to have fun and relax together like kid a bit everyday when you come home.
If you can just put it out and laugh about it it will do you a world of good and him too.
The walk in a forest that help to reconnect with yourself and once you did that, you can also reconnect wiht him.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

You guys give some great advice...I really appreciate it. What you all said makes sense. I told my husband yesterday that I needed some time to myself-ljtseng-because I know this is something that I require. He got a little upset because he felt he wasn't getting what he needed. I know I would be more giving MT if I was able to have this time to myself about once a week. Draconis-it's a good idea to just have some time to unwind before being around my family when I get home...just not sure it's possible. It seems that most days there is barely enough time to make dinner and do the normal daily chores. 

Anyway, I think everything will be fine...at least I hope. I can't go to counseling right now due to an insurance issue. I have so many physical and mental/emotional issues...my poor husband has to put up with a lot. I guess I need to allow for him to get mad sometimes.

Thanks again guys for your input.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Having half a day to yourself is a good idea. DO IT!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Dinner can always wait for an hour if it means peace in the house and relationship.

draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

*Re: In trouble again... please read*

My husband got upset yesterday when he realized I was on this forum. He already knew about it, but I guess he felt I was being secretive. We talked about it a little, and I thought things were okay.

After I got back from my book club meeting, I could tell something was wrong with him. He said he understood me going on this forum. However, now he is feeling insecure about our relationship. He said he is having difficulty differentiating between my depression resulting from my Bi-Polar symptoms and my unhappiness with our relationship. He thinks that my extreme unhappiness is a result of me not being happy with him. I told him this wasn't true. He kept saying he wanted to be sure that I am still as committed as he is to making our relationship work. I told him my commitment had not changed over the last three weeks. 

He still thinks I have the desire to be with someone else or may cheat on him because I'm unhappy. I assured him that is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I don't feel like I should have to reassure him repeatedly.

When we went to bed last night, I was really feeling guilty and sad about the situation. He was trying to talk to me about it. He felt like our relationship was much worse now because of my disposition. I couldn't stay awake...I was emotionally exhausted. I apologized and fell asleep. 

Here's the worst part though. When I woke up this morning, he had already been up running. I asked him why he was up so early and he said he had trouble sleeping. I tried talking to him, but I didn't know what else to say. I tried to kiss him goodbye, and he stopped me and told me, "You don't have to kiss me." I was taken aback. He basically said that I shouldn't feel like I have to kiss him. I told him he's making things worse. I also told him that when he's ready to let me back in, maybe we can work things out. I am so hurt. Maybe he wants me to feel rejected, the way he must feel sometimes with me. 

My husband said he just has this sinking feeling that I'm not happy with him. Maybe he's getting valid signals from me that I'm not happy with him. I told him I'm just not happy with anything in my life, especially myself. I really think he could do so much better than me. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I hate the effect it has on him, and it only makes me more depressed.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl-

Have him join up, and I'll tell him how to deal with you 

What I wouldn't give to hear it from his side...


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

MT- I'll think about it. He's not very good at expressing his feelings. Plus, I feel like this forum is my place to vent...I'm not sure I want to share it.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> I haven't been on the forum much lately because our situation has been improving. We have been making time for each other, usually on the weekend. It seems to be helping.
> 
> I'm not sure if anyone can give any advice that hasn't already been given, but I need a place to vent. Work has been extremely difficult for me over the past couple of weeks. I come home exhausted. On top of that, I have fallen into a cycle of anxiety, irritability, and depression. This has once again taken its toll on my marriage.
> 
> ...


You need a release. Go for a walk or run after you get home from work. This will make you feel better and get the stress from work out. Maybe join a bowling team. If you are mad at someone, think of them standing there, and you are hitting them with the ball. :smthumbup::rofl: Hey, doll, some of the people I have had to put up with at work or whatever, it would be my pleasure to knock them on their mean azz.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Honey- I am going to try to find some time to myself. I know my husband gets tired of me complaining or shutting him out so as not to bother him. It's a challenge to find the time. 

As far as work goes, they are putting a lot of pressure on us right now. As a perfectionist, I want to do everything they're asking, but it seems impossible. This is really what is getting to me right now. Of course, my student cause me some grief and wear me down a bit, but that's not the main issue.

My fear is that my husband may not ever trust that I love him again.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

guiltygirl said:


> Honey- I am going to try to find some time to myself. I know my husband gets tired of me complaining or shutting him out so as not to bother him. It's a challenge to find the time.
> 
> As far as work goes, they are putting a lot of pressure on us right now. As a perfectionist, I want to do everything they're asking, but it seems impossible. This is really what is getting to me right now. Of course, my student cause me some grief and wear me down a bit, but that's not the main issue.
> 
> My fear is that my husband may not ever trust that I love him again.


give your husband some credit and give things a try. If you can find peace in yourself before family then you will communicate with him better. He will see the change. If not than you can move on to other things. But if you don't try anything new then you will be stuck where you are right now and I don't think you want your marriage to always be like this.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I had a similar relationship not too long ago. Emotions flying around all over and no one knows what belongs to who. It really is exhausting. 

I think you two ought to work on your boundaries. It will help you be accountable for your own emotions and let go of what is out of your control. 

I've used Dr.Phils _Relationship Rescue_ book and workbook. It was good. And also _Boundaries in Marriage_ book and workbook (2006), by Dr. Cloud & Townsend. 

Even if you just do it by yourself you'll start to be able to manage all the jumbled emotions that fly between the two of you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> I know I would be more giving MT if I was able to have this time to myself about once a week.


I agree GuiltyGirl, but I can see how this is going to play out. You will say to hubby, "I would be more giving if I was able to have this time to myself about once a week", and he will arrange this for you, and then after you have had your "time", he will say, how about some lovin' and you will say, not now, I'm feeling xyz.

Men find this really hard to take, because they don't understand female logic! And the logic is that when a woman does not want to do something, if she offers to negotiate, it is a way for her to get what she wants while still not conceding her "stake". Then guess what? she gets to use her stake all over again, and again - until she gets RUMBLED 

By the way, I'm not having a go at you, just being your friend


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> Honey- I am going to try to find some time to myself. I know my husband gets tired of me complaining or shutting him out so as not to bother him. It's a challenge to find the time.
> 
> As far as work goes, they are putting a lot of pressure on us right now. As a perfectionist, I want to do everything they're asking, but it seems impossible. This is really what is getting to me right now. Of course, my student cause me some grief and wear me down a bit, but that's not the main issue.
> 
> My fear is that my husband may not ever trust that I love him again.



No one perfect..not even me.    You are only human and humans do make mistakes at work and in their personal life.


At work..the more you try to do (to try to please them), the more they will put on you. Don't be superwoman, hun. Know your limit, and tell them when things are too much on you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

*Re: In trouble again... please read*



guiltygirl said:


> I tried to kiss him goodbye, and he stopped me and told me, "You don't have to kiss me." I was taken aback. He basically said that I shouldn't feel like I have to kiss him. I told him he's making things worse. I also told him that when he's ready to let me back in, maybe we can work things out. I am so hurt. Maybe he wants me to feel rejected, the way he must feel sometimes with me.


Maybe this is a good thing...Let me explain....

1) Maybe it will give you perspective on how he feels. You are right he has felt rejected and now that you have you can empathize with him.

2) Although he is a good communicator, maybe he hasn't listened or you haven't said as bluntly as you have on the forums. The cards are laid on the table so to speak.

It comes down to working from here. Hopefully you both can communicate better now and empathize with each other.

Keep these forums for yourself and if need be find another that you both can go to if need be.

We are always here for you and I hope that this is the storm before the calm.

draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Wow...so many to respond to...so little time. Your responses brought me to tears...not sure why. I think I just feel too much.

ltjseng- I will look into those books. You are right... emotions are flying around everywhere. My husband is saying he's not looking for reassurance, but I feel a lot of pressure from him to act and say the right things for our relationship to be "successful". Hopefully, I can make the time and effort to check out the books you suggested.

MT- It's frightening how well you know women. I am grateful for your friendship...even when you do pick on me. I know you're probably right. I would enjoy the time to myself, but may be unable to fulfill his expectations of what is to follow. This increases my anxiety even more.

Draconis- We've been through many ups and downs in our marriage, but nothing like what we are experiencing lately. I agree with your input about understanding how my husband feels. The trouble is...it's not making me feel any better about things.

A couple of days ago, after our "fight", he bought me flowers. This was so sweet and it made me really happy. Things were starting to get better I felt.

The current situation is that we talk about our relationship and we try to have "normal" conversations about everyday things. It seems very awkward. He looks at me like he is worried he is going to lose me. I don't like how this makes me feel. I don't know what to say to him.

Last night, we had sort of a disastrous encounter...not a complete loss though. I don't want to be more specific than that. All I can say is that I came out of the situation with a bad taste in my mouth...not literally. My feelings for him are dynamic...this just doesn't seem right, or fair to him. One day, I feel a tender love for him and the next day I am not attracted to him at all. 

Why is this so HARD??????? I am so drained.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> MT- It's frightening how well you know women. I am grateful for your friendship...even when you do pick on me. I know you're probably right. I would enjoy the time to myself, but may be unable to fulfill his expectations of what is to follow. This increases my anxiety even more.


Wow, I am impressed with your honesty! Relationship problems are all about ego. If you can let your ego do it's thing without taking it seriously, it will get easier for you. Your hubby sounds like a nice guy, I doubt you would find a better one. What's it going to cost you to give him the attention he needs. What's it going to cost you if you DON'T?

You know I'm fair in these things, if I was advising him, I would be saying: Dude, decide where to draw the line and draw it. Don't let that happen pleeeeese?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Do you thinkt that when you argue that you can take breaks from it so that things are not said that neither of you mean to say?

It sounds like he wants things to work out, I hope for both of you that they do, however you need to want them too.

draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

MT- Many people on this forum (and even my sister) have told me that if they were my husband, they would have left me a long time ago. Though this is painful, I know I probably deserve it. You are right...if I don't give him what he needs, I am going to lose him and probably end up alone forever. I would never put another guy through what my husband has endured. 

Ego? What ego? I don't think I have an ego, so I'm not sure how to respond to that advice.

Draconis- we don't really have typical fights...most of our fighting is the silent treatment or avoidance. My husband is a really good guy, and I hope things work out. You're right though...I have to want them to work out. This has been my struggle all along.

Good thing is I am checking into counselors as we speak, even with the insurance issue. My husband has agreed to go with me sometimes and to allow me to go alone. I hope this will help me get past whatever is holding me back from making our relationship work.

My husband wrote me an eye-opening e-mail today outlining all of his observations, fears, and feelings about what our situation is. It was brutal...but every bit of it was true. We talked on the phone about it recently, and I think things have calmed down for the moment. 

If counseling does not help, I may just have to let him go. He deserves so much more than what he gets. 

Thanks again guys!!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> Ego? What ego? I don't think I have an ego, so I'm not sure how to respond to that advice.


But my dear, we all have egos. Are you any different from the rest of us? The ego is the constructed sense of Self. It's both real and it's an illusion.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

lol "It's both real and it's an illusion." - how very Zen; but, nevertheless, true.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Okay, fine, I have an ego...but a bruised one nevertheless. Are you happy? Males are the ones with the BIG egos...that's why my husband is feeling so much pain right now.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

guiltygirl said:


> My husband wrote me an eye-opening e-mail today outlining all of his observations, fears, and feelings about what our situation is. It was brutal...but every bit of it was true. We talked on the phone about it recently, and I think things have calmed down for the moment.


Wow this will really give you a foundation to work from and hopefully in the near future better communications then the "silent treatment"

Is there any of it you want to throw out there?

draconis


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## outkast44 (Sep 26, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> My husband wrote me an eye-opening e-mail today outlining all of his observations, fears, and feelings about what our situation is. It was brutal...but every bit of it was true. We talked on the phone about it recently, and I think things have calmed down for the moment.


I wish i had the guts to send the e-mail i've got sitting in my "drafts" folder. But its pretty bitter, brutal and....well....honest.

Kudos to the two of you to be able to talk about it!


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I don't mind sharing part of the e-mail Draconis...I just don't want people to think I am exposing things about our relationship that my husband doesn't want me to. Here's a little excerpt:

Not sure what happened last night. I was feeling good about us and even thought you were starting to fall in love with me again, then we tried to have sex. From there it went south. I don't know what I did or what happened, but I DEFINITELY know you were NOT into me at all. I got this feeling like you were really, really disgusted being intimate with me....

From what has happened lately I am not sure what it is you want. I know you say you want us to work, but your actions speak louder than words. You say you can see in my eyes how worried I am, well I can see in your eyes too. And I don't like what I see. 

I don't want to bash you Laura, but I really can't take the uncertainty. I don't know why you are attracted to me sometimes and then repulsed by me the next day. I have a really difficult time dealing with the change of heart from day to day. 

think I am a good guy Laura. I understand your desire to be free and see what the world has to offer. But remember, just because the grass is always greener on the other side, it doesn't stay green for ever. What I am trying to say is, even though you are bored with me and want the excitement of something new, the new fling will eventually get boring as well. I hope you realize what you have now and will be giving up if you decide to leave. 

It was even longer than that, but I left out a few parts. Since then, he is trying SO hard. He's so nice to me all the time and has really expressed an interest in coming to counseling with me. He told me to check my e-mail today or e-mail him if I want to. He asked me if he's pushing me away by being so nice and I said "no"...but I am holding back a little. 

I am making every effort to be close to him as much as possible and he has noticed. I guess this is good. Anyway, I am going to counseling by myself tomorrow, even though I think he really wants to go. 

Class has begun...will check back later.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like you have a great guy wanting ahd willing to work on the relationship. There is a lot of excitement in the world but see if you can discover it with HIM. Find things you both can do to break out and explore, have fun, dance.

Let him know that yes you want excitement but it is him you want it from.

draconis


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