# Is she having second thoughts?



## mbartz462 (Aug 22, 2010)

Hi all, this is my first ever post and I apologize because this is probably going to be long...

I'm 32 and W is 30. W and I have been married 2.5 years and have a 2 year old son together and we each have a son from our previous marriages (ages 4 and 3). We've been through hell during our relationship-battling with our exes, raising a blended family, dealing with her family trying to control her and helping her ex to get full custody of their son (I just know her mom secretly wants her to be with her ex). Her and the family have kissed and made up since then, but I know they are quite dysfunctional. It would be WAY too much to type and read so I'll just start here...

My W left me once before in 2008 and filed for divorce but changed her mind about 5 months later and we reconciled, but in the last few months or so things have gone downhill again. I've been under a lot of stress in the last year-I got medically discharged from the military, we were in tons of debt, the things I mentioned in the above paragraph, I haven't been able to find a job and don't know what I want to do, etc. I let all that get to me and I have been an angry, miserable jerk. Took her for granted and all that stupid junk. In July W asked for a divorce, said she's done and there was nothing I could do or say that would change her mind and she asked me not to fight to stay married, she would not go to counseling even though we have been in it for a long time and please respect her decision. Well I panicked and began begging and pleading, wroted the long "I'm sorry" email and texts and all that stuff that I now know was the wrong thing to do-I should have just given her space and respected her decision. She told me that she did not know what the future holds, maybe we would get back together some day and that she did not plan on moving on with anyone else. She said that as long as her and the kids were happy she didn't care if she was alone the rest of her life. She has moved to her parents' house with all her stuff and we agreed not to get lawyers and fight; as long as we agreed on everything we would do the divorce ourselves. Everything was fair so she filed on July 9 and I was served the following day. She emailed me some paper to file at the courthouse saying that we waived the 20 day waiting period and request that the judge sign it right away. I didn't do a thing with it and I never heard anything from her about it.

Well I've given her space for the last few weeks, only texting her to ask how our son was doing and leaving it at that. I still talk to my sister-in-law and she told me that my W was texting her almost every day to ask if she'd talked to me and how I was doing. My W even texted my ex twice and asked the same thing. After my W found out that her sister-in-law was still talking to me a lot she stopped talking to her and they haven't spoken in weeks. I went back to Michigan to see my family for 2 weeks this month and was having a really rough time knowing that the divorce would probably be final by the time I got home to Idaho. One day while I was in MI I got the courage to ask her if it was final yet. Her reply text was "No...why?". I didn't reply, I just left it at that. Since I don't have any contact with her and she doesn't know what's going on in my life, I posted a couple things on Facebook (I know, some people think FB is the devil). One just said that I was going to some clubs with friends and the other just said that life was good. Well I've noticed that we are still friends on FB and her status still says married and all of our pics are still on her page, plus her last name is still the same. The only thing she changed is her personal info (relationship status, b-day, etc.) is hidden so only her friends can see it. She isn't a huge FB user but I see that she has been on it every couple of days to accept friend requests and comment on some peoples' stuff so I at least know that she has been on the site. I also found out that she opened up a new email account still using her married last name in the email address, even though the divorce papers say that she will go back to her maiden name.

I got back from MI and a few days later I called the courthouse and asked what the status was on the divorce because there's only a 20 day waiting period in Idaho and it was long past that. They told me that the judge had set a hearing date of Sep 8. I decided to test the waters and texted her again and asked her if the divorce was final yet, playing like I didn't know. She replied that it was not and she didn't know what the holdup was. Then she asked "You're awfully anxious for it be over yeah?", almost like she was getting defensive about me asking. I just replied that I was just asking and it was only the second time I asked. I also put that the last time I checked it was she who was anxious to get it over with. There was some confusion after that because she replied that the last time I asked the only thing she had said was that it was not final yet. I replied that I was just asking because I had not heard anything yet and was just seeing if she knew what was going on. That was the end of the conversation. 

A few days before that happened though something strange happened. I was in an airport on the way back to ID and I got a text from our 18 year old niece. Our niece is VERY close to my W, my W basically raised her. Her text said "I love you Uncle Mike". I replied that I loved her too and I missed her. She said that she missed me too and would come see me soon. That really made me start thinking because they are so close and I just didn't know why my niece would still call me uncle and tell me she loved me. I know that they have talked about our divorce so she knows probably everything, and I can't wrap my head around why she would risk her relationship with my W and still feel/talk to me the way she has unless she knows something that I don't know. Well I am also very close with my niece's brother, my nephew, and I was helping him work on a truck when she (my niece) showed up and gave me a big hug and said she loved me. I saw her the next day too and the same thing happened. I'm even taking her out on an uncle-niece "date" next week too. And please don't anyone think there's anything funny going on with that! Like I said, it's got me confused because of how close her and my W are. My niece also despises my W's ex passionately, which makes me wonder why she is still treating me like part of the family even though I am about to become an ex.

I'm sorry this is so long, there's just so much info to get out so you all can fully understand the situation and hopefully give me some outside opinions. I know I'm probably reading into things too much, but there's just been some strange things that have happened since she filed. Obviously I still want to remain married so I know that I'll cling to any sign of hope that I can, real or imagined. It's just that the new email address, not saying anything about me not taking that paper to the courhouse, the texts to my ex and sister-in-law, not updating FB, getting defensive and asking why I am so interested in knowing why the divorce is not final yet and my niece still talking to me is just not adding up in my head. I've read in books and on the net that the best way to get your STBX to come sniffing around and have second thoughts is to show them that you are moving on with your life and don't need them, and even go so far as to start dating or make new friends to make them jealous. I'm staying FAR away from the opposite sex so that's not an issue, although I wonder if my FB posts about going out and life being good are making her wonder because she knows my track record of jumping into new relationships after a breakup, which I've learned my lesson from now! I wonder if she's having second thoughts but not rushing it because we've already been through this once before or what. My W is normally a very warm, loving person and she was a good W, I just pushed her to her breaking point and I take full responsibility for that. It takes 2 though, and she has her fair share of faults too so she's not an angel. I just can't believe that she could switch her love for me off like she has.

We have the court hearing on Sep 8, which I'm not sure if she knows about yet, but I'm planning on showing up and asking if the judge can order us to counseling before he signs the papers. I know that's not what she wants so I'll do it very carefully so as not to appear whiny or begging. Maybe just tell the judge that I know it's not what she wants but I just want to ask one more time before it's over for good. I hate this, I don't want it and I'm gradually learning to deal with it, but I know that everyone on this site knows that it's an emotional rollercoaster!

Thank you so much for reading this, peace and God Bless. May you all have the best of luck with your situations.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I pray that your W is having second thoughts, and I hope that this devotional can be help you in ANY way. 

What God Has Joined Together

I am sure that most if not all of you who are reading this devotional know this verse and how it ends...

"Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Matthew 19:6b

Many of us heard this as we each took our wedding vows with our spouse. The minister or person performing your marriage service finished it with those words of Jesus Christ. Matthew records that Jesus in this statement was discussing marriage and divorce with some of the Pharisees of His day. I want to explore some of the broader ramifications of Christ's statement as I see it.

"'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one." Matthew 19:4-6a

Depending upon the Bible translation that you read, a number of different words are used...one flesh, joined, cleave, united, one. Whatever word or term or principle is used, it denotes that there has been a change in the relationship between the man and the woman. It entails a spiritual, emotional, and physical coming together as husband and wife...a union, a joining, a cleaving. In the King James Version, the old English term cleave is used:

"...and shall cleave unto his wife." Genesis 2:24b

While the dictionary defines that word to mean 'split or sever along a natural line', but also 'to cling, adhere', I feel that it is used in this context to represent a separation from the husband's parents and a joining with the wife where the line between the man and woman is obliterated as they become one flesh. The institution of becoming one flesh dates back to Adam and Eve in the Garden as written in Genesis 2:24.

I want to look at several other aspects of Christ's statement in Matthew as I thought about what God has done for you and me in creating the marriage relationship. We are all familiar with the passages in Ephesians where Paul talks about Christians being the Bride of Christ...

"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church." Ephesians 5:24-27, 31-32

In Christ as in marriage, we are joined together as one for there is unity in the Body of Christ. Paul speaks again to this in Ephesians...

"There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." Ephesians 4:4-6

This relationship of the Church (the Body of Christ) to Christ is further laid out for us in Revelations where the Body of Christ is the bride of Christ...

"For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready." Revelations 19:7b

Finally, I want to look at the 17th chapter of John. In this beautiful prayer, Christ prays for all believers. He lays out for us the 'oneness' of Father God, Jesus Christ, and you and I (the Body of Christ)...

"My prayer is...that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John 17:20a, 21-23

Thus you can see, both in marriage as well as in our Christian faith, God seeks a one flesh relationship, a oneness, a unity in all our relationships. Anything less is not acceptable. When Christ states in Matthew that man should not destroy this relationship, I equate the word 'man' with the word 'world', namely Satan and his influences. For when a divorce occurs, Satan has entered and destroyed that marriage relationship. It is only through the Resurrection power of God that a dead marriage can be brought back to life and the marriage rebuilt.

Therefore what God has joined together...

Standing firm until parted by death,
Ben in Texas
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.
Post Office Box 10548
Pompano Beach, FL 33061 USA
WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries (Ministry web site)


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## mbartz462 (Aug 22, 2010)

Well I had my "date" with my niece today and it went great. We didn't talk about the divorce at all and just had a realy fun time together. On the way home I finally said something about how I was surprised to hear from her and was surprised that she would risk her relationship with my STBX. She said that if my STBX got mad and stopped talking to her then that was my STBX's fault and not hers. She said that she didn't really know anything about the divorce because she hadn't really even had any contact with my STBX and she said she didn't really care because she doesn't want to change her opinion of anyone. She told me that I will always be her uncle and she'll always love me and consider me family. She was such a sweetheart about everything, it was such a relief to be able to spend the day with her and get my mind off this divorce garbage (for the most part,you guys know it never fully leaves your mind). The only thing that got to me was the really strange fact that she looks a lot like my STBX, they could be sisters or mother/daughter! Everyone always says that about them. Well, I'd really appreciate some input or thoughts on this stuff guys, I could really use it.


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## mbartz462 (Aug 22, 2010)

Well f*ck it, it's over. Talked to her today and it was just more of the "please come home, I'm doing everything I can to get healthy for me and us" and the "sorry but I'm done, leave me alone and let it go". This is such bullsh*t. I just can't stop trying to fix this and all I'm doing is pushing her away and validating her decision to leave. I can't f*cking control my emotions and it's causing me to do the dumbest things that are just pushing her away more. God I feel like I'm losing my mind...this is absolutely horrible, I wish this would all just go away. It wasn't supposed to be like this...


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I'll pray that you'll go from the darkness into the light.


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