# So Disappointed



## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

I've been separated from my abusive husband for a month now. Wow, what a tough 4 weeks!!! He has continued to pressure me to come back home but I just can't since he refuses to admit he has an anger management problem and do anything about it. He just recently told me he was going to go to anger management next week and I was happy to hear it. However, I don't want him to do it for me but for himself. 

Yesterday he asked if he could stop by and I said sure but I didn't want any fussing, trouble, etc. He replied "Just answer the question. I didn't ask all of that." Anyway, he came over. He wasn't here more than 5 minutes before he started raising his voice at me, etc. I know he's hurt, mad, frustrated, etc but it's this behavior that causes caution in me when thinking of returning. While sitting on the sofa, he grabbed my wrist. I started pulling back and said to let go of my wrist but he just pulled it tighter. I ended up crying and he grabbed and hugged me real tight and I told he to just leave; that he needed to leave! He let me loose and just walked around the room crying and completely frustrated. I kept telling him to calm down; to relax and that this is what I'm talking about. I told him that he needed some help. He finally relaxed and sat back down. Then he started back with telling me I need to come home; we are married and stuff like that. He just will not hear what I'm telling him about how I can't go back. Then, he told me he was going to be open about what he has done when he goes to anger management, but he told me he doesn't have a problem and plans to tell them (counselor or whoever) that as well. I just shake me in disbelief. Well, eventually, after he continued to pressure me to do so, I finally just told him that I didn't want this anymore. He got up and left but told me numerous times as he was leaving "remember you said that....remember you said that."

I was hoping that maybe somehow we could reconcile but it just seems so hopeless at this point. My psychologist tells me that I cannot focus on his hurt and his healing but I must instead focus on mine. It is just so heartbreaking seeing him hurt so much. I don't want to cause him any pain even though he has caused me pain.

I'm really so very disappointed and could use some helpful words....


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## zengirl (Jun 22, 2010)

JustCallMeGirl - if it helps, i too am going through a separation. I left my abusive husband who also has anger issues about 4 weeks ago. (you can see my post separated and mind games). i am also wondering if we reconcile or if its even possible. one thing i am realizing, we need time apart not only to figure out where we stand but were we stand as individuals. i have so many emotions that are running through me - one day i will be in denial, the other angry, frustrated and then feeling sorry for myself. 

anger management/ getting over abusive tendencies is a life-long journey. first and foremost your husband has to acknowledge he has a problem and then seek out help. one thing i am realizing with my husband - he says all the right things and know he is in the wrong but does not act. it also doesn't help that he doesn't have a strong support system - who keep telling him he only has 'behavioural problems'. 

i also keep focusing on my husbands hurt and the fact he is alone. i am very lucky and fortunate that i have a strong support system and i am not alone. great family and friends. as for my husband, his mom and dad are separated and not really there for him. 

i can tell you, for me it's getting easier day by day. i am not breaking down and crying like i did the first week. you have to be strong in order to get through this. please take care.

zengirl.

ps. if you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you it was yours, if it doesn't - it never was.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

JustCallMeGirl, it sounds as if you are confused in regard to whether you want to work things out or not. I would suggest that you no longer meet with him in private as your well being seems to be at risk.

What about if you seek counseling - together. Let that be the only time you see each other, within a professional third party's control. Whether you stay with him or not, you will be able to at least work at gaining closure that way and you'll also see if he is willing to do what he needs to do in regard to his anger issues. 

In time, with counseling, anger management training and willingness, perhaps you will work things out, or perhaps you won't, but you'll both have a better foundation in which to move on with.


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

zengirl...your situation sounds so much like mine, for sure. I'm continuing to try to take it day by day. I get so much pressure from him. Just last night he said he was going to his attorney on Thursday to start the divorce process. Then today, he's back to asking me to just come home. I just can't. BTW..."if you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you it was yours, if it doesn't - it never was."...he just told me that yesterday...

HappyHer....yes I am very confused. It hurts me to see him hurt and frustrated but I can't take that away for him by returning. Right now he's not open to marriage counseling because we tried it before. Today he says he's going himself on Saturday. We'll see.


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## Wetcheeks (Feb 1, 2010)

JustCallMeGirl, I can very much relate to what you are going through...I have separated from my abusive H 3 wks ago for the second time, you can read my posts 'Trying to look forward'...I had spent a long time loving the "man beneath" the sometimes mean or cruel exterior and it took a long time and many, many failed to follow through promises to get help before I realized that sometimes "love" isn't enough even with someone you view as your soul mate...I don't know if you spent a lot of time worrying about his pain and anger all the things that had happened in his life to make him this way, like I did...it took me a while to realize that this was part of the problem...I spent all my time and energy focused on him, (coincidentally just the way he liked it) and it it kept me from having the time or energy to focus on how unhappy I had become, how many times I and others learned to walk around on egg shells when he was in a bad mood, never completely able to enjoy the good times because I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and the good time to end abruptly with whatever scapegoat issue he had hit on that day...or the way he seemed compelled to squelch anyone's happiness; no one else could be happy if he wasn't. I guess my point is all of those things have a way of disarming you from recognizing what can end up becoming a very dangerous situation for you...you get in the habit of explaining away his unacceptable behavior to others and to yourself, telling yourself that he would never "really" hurt you but forgetting about all the little daily slices of you that he has stolen away for a long time...sometimes they were such little things, they really didn't hurt all that much (at least that's what he said). Please rethink seeing him in a private situations alone like HappyHer suggested, it gets easy for our abusive loved ones to manipulate us not only because they have a lot of practice at it but also because we are so used to it, we allow/excuse the manipulation to continue-we don't even recognize in the beginning that that is exactly whats happening. Your therapist can help a great deal to help you recognize these things and help you set some healthy and safe parameters for you and your abusive loved one to meet and discuss safely the issues on the table, if he is interested in getting help, and working thing out in a safe, supportive, environment if it turns out he doesn't...good wishes and peace to you tonight...


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## bleedingheart (Jun 3, 2010)

Wow , Im amazed. Ive been loolking at this site now for over a month. I have been in a toxic Marriage for almost nine years. We have seperated many many times. First by him leaving , then after so many times of that , me asking him to leave. I have been praying to my father for help. I asked him to leave again today Due to emotional and physicall abuse. This time seems differnt though, I think because I noticed I was dying. We love and care so much , that we forget to do the same for ourselves. I am so sorry that you are experincing this saddness and pain. Yet from my experience , which seems simialar to yours , If he wont aknowledge any wrongdoing , or seek help , the situation wont get better , it'll get worse. Take comfort in knowing that your not the only one in such a spirit suffocating situation, and this to shall pass. If continues to have opportunities to manipulate you, It will challenge your sanity. I wonder if somtimes the blessings we seek are being blocked by somthing we wont let go of.


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

Wetcheeks (mine are right now)...you are right, love isn't enough. I do spend a lot of time worrying about him and his pain (even though I know he's not concerned about mine). He seems not to be able to handle it and then that causes some of the out of control behavior. I feel sorry for him. I do. But I'm trying to help him help himself by sticking to my decision. Instead of blaming me for his actions, he HAS to be accountable and do something to correct it. And, I will not meet with him in a private area anymore. I was so hurt in my heart that he did that again.

bleedingheart...just last night I experienced my husband's attempt to manipulate me while talking to him on the phone. He tries to drill it in me that "we are married...we exchanged vows...you need to come home", etc...with no regard to what I'm telling him I need. He just says "what you need is your husband." I get so frustrated that sometimes it really feels like I'm losing my mind. But, I'm staying steadfast with my decision to not return. It's still so heartbreaking. I cry everyday.


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## bleedingheart (Jun 3, 2010)

It's a tough battle. Just know that your not fighting it alone.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hey,

I've been reading all your posts - thank you for sharing. Does anyone have any updates on how things are now a few months after going through this? 

I'm going through the same thing at the moment and it's all relatively fresh. I left my husband and said that I couldn't go back and be his wife because I'm scared, and I will start the divorce process. He said he won't seek any help. I don't know if I should hold off on the divorce in the hope that he might go and see someone (I'd stand by him on this), or if I should just start the proceedings in the hope that he might realise it's actually going to be the end of us and seek help (again possibly)? This is so hard.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

JustCallMeGirl~

I wanted to let you know that I've also been through what you're going through, and I'd like to refer you to a site that helped me a LOT!! It's Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site, and it helped me because it describes the side of the person being abused, the side of the abuser, and what can actually, really help both of you! 

To really make it clear, here is a page on her site "Has He Really Changed?" One thing that abusers *often* do is either promise TO CHANGE or promise they HAVE CHANGED all while never going to counseling or doing any of the work necessary to really change! This page also has a list of How to Tell if He's Really Changing. But in summary you would see him taking responsibility for his abusive behavior (not blaming you), you would see him understanding the effects of his behavior, and he would respect you (not pressuring you, intimidating or threatening you to do something you aren't ready to do). 

In your instance, JustCallMeGirl, I think the best thing you could do for your own self would be to change your email address, change your cell and phone number, block him from FB etc. and do not contact him. Part of the issue is that you are just as tangled up with him as he is with you, and so if you took the time to really end all contact, it would initially be hard for you to be away from his drama but eventually it would bring you peace. If he is going to change, he would change on his own, of his own volition, whether you are in contact with him or not. So really let him GO and stop contacting him.


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