# Wife left, won't communicate



## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

My wife of two years, been together for 5, recently left me because she said we were different and had different interests. We have had problems before. I have depression and it seemed to build a wall and create conflict now and then. I wouldn't want to do things, seem distant, etc. I never got help. She decided that she didn't love me and she left. I got very upset and said some mean things to her, even threatened suicide. Over Christmas while I was out of town, she came and took all over her belongings, she only left wedding related things, including her dress. She started school this past fall in a town an hour away and is now living there. Before she left she was commuting. I've apologized to her, told her how much I love her, gotten help for my depression and read many books. I feel much better, but she still won't contact me. I haven't spoken to her in almost 2 months. I have no idea what's going on. I don't think she would cheat, she's religious and really despised that sort of thing in others. Her family and friends have cut me off too. I just don't know what more to do or what to think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she does not want to talk to you there is not anything you can do about it. Well except send her an occassional email or letter. And if she asks you to stop that, then you have to stop that.


You would do best to start moving on with your life. Doing well and living well, staying with your treatment are the things that will help you. So start planning your life and doing things with your friends.

She may or may not get back in touch with you. 

Have you considered filing for divorce?


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

I told her I wouldn't contact her again until she contacts me. That was almost 2 weeks ago. She never told me to stop. 

While I was angry that night I told her to look me in the eye and tell me she didn't love me and wanted a divorce. She did, but nothing further has been said. I feel it was kind of coerced.

I actually filed for divorce about 4 days after she left, but I came to realize I was not mentally ready and didn't want to divorce her, so I stopped it. She never said a word about me starting or stopping it.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Also, I can't be sure but I think she has some issues she needs to work out. Whether she acknowledges these or not I don't know. Her whole family is full of divorces. I know she is seeing a therapist, but I don't know what for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If it's been only two weeks, then give it time. In the mean time keep working on yourself. There really is not a lot else you can do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thing1 said:


> Also, I can't be sure but I think she has some issues she needs to work out. Whether she acknowledges these or not I don't know. Her whole family is full of divorces. I know she is seeing a therapist, but I don't know what for.


Has she always been so secretive about what's up with her?


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Has she always been so secretive about what's up with her?


Not at all, just lately. I think its her way of pulling away. We always had conflict resolution problems and because of my depression, I never acknowledged any of it. I've read depression and relationship books and feel so much more knowledgeable about what went wrong. I even recommended these books to her. Don't know if she's reading them. The complete silence baffles me.

Also, by leaving all the wedding stuff, it's like she's trying to erase me from her life. It hurts a lot.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Anyone else have anything to add? I've been looking at all the other posts and simply can't find one where someone moved out, no affairs, no violence, and cut off all communication. It's coming up on 2 months now.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

If you're absolutely certain about the lack of an affair, look for very strong emotional support, borderline brainwashing by unsafe friends/therapists.

I was as dumbfounded as you were. I stalked my wife 24/7 and found nothing. She sounded insanely confident about her decision on leaving me and I simply didn't understand how an emotionally broken, angry person could find it so easy to leave her comfort zone (home) with no remorse or doubt. She turned into a completely different person altogether. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this kind of thing, but after reading a lot (I mean a lot) and experiencing it first hand, I have now lost hope in humanity (read women) altogether.


Look at this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/38686-brick-wall-am-i-done.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> If you're absolutely certain about the lack of an affair, look for very strong emotional support, borderline brainwashing by unsafe friends/therapists.
> 
> I was as dumbfounded as you were. I stalked my wife 24/7 and found nothing. She sounded insanely confident about her decision on leaving me and *I simply didn't understand how an emotionally broken, angry person could find it so easy to leave her comfort zone *(home) with no remorse or doubt. She turned into a completely different person altogether. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this kind of thing, but after reading a lot (I mean a lot) and experiencing it first hand, I have now lost hope in humanity (read women) altogether.
> 
> ...


Huh? your wife was emotionally broken and angry but you cannot understand that she left?


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Funny that you mention it. The people she's hanging out with now don't know me at all. I've only met them twice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hm.. you might want to find out more about them. It's reasonable to want to find out if she is ok. Like if she's been abducted into a cult.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

No, they're just fellow students of hers. All mid 20's.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you threatened suicide, that's fairly severe. I mean, it's a form of emotional bondage, and it usually doesn't occur in isolation. What I mean is that there are probably other forms of psychological control and abuse that happened that you're not mentioning, maybe because of your depression you're simply not aware of the extent of the consequences of your actions and attitudes. If her whole family is full of divorce, this doesn't mean that she condones it or seeks it. It could be that she simply doesn't want to be controlled by someone who threatens abandonment, which is exactly what suicide is, when it is suggested or mentioned as an alternative in a conversation. I can see that you don't get it. You threatened suicide and yet you don't understand why your wife left? Perhaps she decided that since you didn't love yourself enough to embrace life and to seek help so that you didn't feel suicidal and depressed, she might as well not waste her effort with a relationship with you. There's such a thing as co-dependency and after your wife's history with her family, she simply decided to honor the commitment she made to herself not to spend the rest of her adult life on the receiving end of being threatened with abandonment and upheaval. I can't say as I blame her. In fact, your situation sounds almost the same as mine. Reading books is one thing, but I think you are missing the point. You are trying to make it seem as though there is no reason for your wife to have moved on. If someone moves on there is always a reason. People who have been hurt deeply by abandonment and had to move on in the past due to family divorces or other major upheavals, develop a sense of resiliency and confidence in their ability to move on. It's not that they don't indulge in regret, they just realize that unless it's used to fuel forward action, it's not an effective emotion. What you intrepret as callous or erasing history or leaving past behind is just based on how you feel and make decisions for yourself. If your wife is religious, probably artifacts such as photos or clothes are just that...carbon atoms with a certain form. It's what's inside that counts. Threatening suicide was a very bad thing to do. My H did that and because my father committed suicide and his father attempted several times and my brother attempted several times, I just looked and said something to the effect that he needed to get help. Of course, he dropped it and made up some excuse for what he had said, and then resumed his normal activities. I don't 'do' suicide threats. I might suggest therapy or offer to call a policeman or a friend to transport to hospital (I'd never get in a car with anyone who ever said they had suicidal tendencies), but I know from working in mental health what it takes to commit someone. So making a phone call unless the person was clearly a danger to self or others is just a waste of time. And because my H threatened suicide, I can never get in a car with him or be alone with him, or go hiking or climbing with him, or be in a tall building with him or even allow him to fix me coffee in the morning. He might decide to take me with him. There is no trust in someone who would threaten suicide, even if they are not truly suicidal, that is a very very low blow to use that as a trump card.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

synthetic said:


> If you're absolutely certain about the lack of an affair, look for very strong emotional support, borderline brainwashing by unsafe friends/therapists.
> 
> I was as dumbfounded as you were. I stalked my wife 24/7 and found nothing. She sounded insanely confident about her decision on leaving me and I simply didn't understand how an emotionally broken, angry person could find it so easy to leave her comfort zone (home) with no remorse or doubt. She turned into a completely different person altogether. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this kind of thing, but after reading a lot (I mean a lot) and experiencing it first hand, I have now lost hope in humanity (read women) altogether.
> 
> ...


Good grief. You think the only reason a woman would leave her husband is because of another man or brainwashing? You don't see that this kind of attitude is what would make her leave with no remorse or doubt, because she was a broken angry person with you and then turned into someone else without you....

You're KIDDING, right?:rofl:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

thing1 said:


> Anyone else have anything to add? I've been looking at all the other posts and simply can't find one where someone moved out, no affairs, no violence, and cut off all communication. It's coming up on 2 months now.


That would be me. Except what my husband considers to be 'no violence' according to the laws of consent enforced or not in our state, was rape. Plus threatening suicide. And other forms of 'non-violent' abuse. But of course, I was 'brainwashed' by a year with a Veteran Affairs therapist. Who never told me to leave or not leave, never uttered the word abuse... but when I told him I was leaving my marriage, he said 'What took you so long?'. Brainwashing, indeed.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Homemaker,

Get past your own anger and stop making funny remarks about other people's pain.

We're here to support each other and find comfort not to belittle.

I'm not sure I would take your sometimes wise words seriously if you continue this tone. If you don't care, then you don't care, but then again, why would you bother replying if you didn't care?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Start working on your own issues. You can't make her love you. You can't manipulate her into loving you by threatening suicide. Start improving yourself so that you can be a better man and husband in your next marriage.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He asked for a situation where someone moved out.
I moved out to go to school and to raise my children.
My husband claimed that there was never any violence.
I don't see how my saying that my situation is like his wife's is making fun of anyone. My situation was not funny at all. I was raped. The laws of consent were not enforced. I had no voice at all. If you detect some anger in my written voice, then I have written well. The situation as presented here on these forums is not always that of the perspective of someone who has no blind spots. A woman does not simply pack up, move on, and recreate a functional life if she's insane. There is a reason. In my opinion, as a wife who did just as his did, he is not seeing the whole picture. You're right, it's a support forum. When people want to see their blind spots, often they have to accept that they cannot control what they might see. It's like going to a movie. Or reading a book. Or talking to someone. What's the good of censorship if you are seeking to improve your outlook on life? 

I agree, you cannot make someone love you. You have to work on your own issues. Threatening suicide is the same as suicide, only it leads to the death of any kind of trust that would be required for a marriage. I think OP can effectively kiss this marriage goodbye. If the wife goes back to him, he should question her sanity, and her ability to make good decisions for the both of them. Sometimes the quality to seek in a marriage partner is someone who has the guts and instinct to end it before people get seriously hurt.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

you're both spoiled and selfish and immature. maybe it's best to let it go.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> you're both spoiled and selfish and immature. maybe it's best to let it go.


I'm not his wife but I do feel for him.
I don't think my H really understands what happens in his relationships. I'm not the first to have left him. :-( He genuinely seems concerned, too, but won't go for therapy. 

As for ME, yes, I realize I'm selfish and immature.
I worked very hard in therapy to be that way, a wee bit selfish. I have kids so it doesn't get very far, but when I don't always put myself last, I end up being more generous putting others first. When I can say yes, I really mean it, not because I fear the consequences of not saying yes, or risking being 'disagreeable' or contentious. Immature, yes, I had no childhood and am enjoying working at the movies and taking dance classes where nobody wants to put me in a tutu and make me dance as a sugarplum. I know I can count on myself to be there for myself to do the things I need to have done at the end of the day, and so I am okay with going out and having some fun. When I was married, my H was always going out doing the things he enjoyed but telling me I needed to stay home and work when my kids weren't with me, the other option was to go with him and belay and be forced into climbing situations that weren't safe or beyond my ability, getting yanked up because I couldn't reach a hold, and swore at and no way of getting down except to make nice with him. I have different ideas of fun. 

I do feel for the OP and wanted to let him know, it is not looking great for his marriage. If he wants to play with obsession, that's cool, obsess over the stuff she left behind. Get a blow up doll and dress it up. But do let the wife go. Some history is really beyond reconciliation. I don't know the whole story, but the threat of suicide alone sounds dire enough. Nobody can ever feel comfortable in a relationship wondering when that's going to come up again, and whether it might be a table for two, so to speak.

My daughter told me this morning she had a nightmare that I went back to the house to live with my H and he shot me. She knows NOTHING about his guns or his suicide threat or anything like that, only that he was 'mean' to me. I could never go back to my H because of the effect it would have on my kids. I owe it to them to move on, and that's in my best interest as well.

Maybe OP's situation is different, but usually when someone leaves like that, it's because they're too afraid of the person, with some kind of valid reason (gut or otherwise) and they don't want to engage and escalate, or because of the interaction might have a tentative grasp on reality, crazy-making as it might be to them, regardless of what the H might be feeling, the W might feel threatened. It's just really, really, really, really sad. Humans just get so f'd up. It's brutal how far a person can go before they realize they need help. And often much too late.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Homemaker,
You could have asked for more info first.

She actually decided to leave a month before she actually left. We had a slight disagreement the night before. She said something, I took it the wrong way and shut up. She didn't like that, it had been a pattern. The next day the decision was made. I talked her into staying to get help for us. I actively tried to improve myself and my mood. She did not. There was no effort there. Literally her reason to leave was we liked different things. Then, she left for good. I didn't threaten suicide until the next day and we never spoke, just texted because she was gone. I didn't rape her. I did not physically abuse her. I was a distant husband who couldn't control his depression. I am receiving professional help for that, including stronger medication. I do feel much better. I'm not just reading books. So, I'm not just sitting here doing nothing. Stop projecting onto other peoples situations. This is a support forum. If you have something constructive to say, or have questions, I welcome them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you read up on "walk away wives"? I'd start there...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> Have you read up on "walk away wives"? I'd start there...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did not know about this. That sounds about right. Thank you.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

About to end it with my wife. But since she won't talk to me I guess I have to leave her a voicemail. How ****ed up is that.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

I did it. The lawyers have contacted her. This is the worst day of my life but I had to. She just left and disappeared. Must be what she wants.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you'll feel better from being proactive.
I still think that suggesting suicide was a clincher.
Something that at the very least allowed her to justify leaving.
Some kind of solid proof that you are unstable, that she can cling to.

It's good to get help, and also the divorce...
I think that if she didn't tell you why she left (I was clear with my H - there was a police report, there was a social worker involved...his unit was notified of the prosecutor's office review of the police report...) then do you really think you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't communicate, and do you think it could have something to do with your depression in the first case?

My mom was completely nuts and off the wall, and she left and my dad did end up dealing with long term depression (if you've not been exposed to crazy people in your childhood they can really give you a run for your money, leave you completely drained...) Then he committed suicide. But I know it wasn't the first time he'd tried. Of course, my mom, divorced for many years and having slept with multiple men after leaving my dad, insisted on showing up at the funeral, used me, her only remaining child as a reason, and insisted that my father be buried with his ring on. We all knew she was nuts, so didn't want to disagree, so there he is, bones and rings together in his grave. LOL. Don't let that kind of sh*t happen to you. Like I always told my dad, just make a break for it, don't worry about the money or being right. She doesn't make sense. She doesn't need to make sense. A woman can just leave a marriage, it's our law now. In the end, he allowed anger and depression to kill him over a woman who just walked. She even left her kids behind (and no support, what's up with that?)

There's a fine line between projecting and drawing from experience. What's a forum worth if it's only theory? You can get that from books. They're all censored, no real life experience from the trenches....is that what you want or are you willing to slog through some mud to get gold? 

At least I'm talking! I didn't just disappear. No explanation...


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Thanks Homemaker. I understand. 

Really, it's been a month without communication. I really think she planned this, used my depression as a reason, then when she had her student loan money, took a walk. 

It's just disappointing that she didn't even try or obey her vows. In sickness and in health. She could have bought a book on depression and thrown it at me, that would have been more effort than she put in before.

edit: funny thing- I spoke to the pastor who married us, was completely honest about the situation. As to how I was being treated after he had all the info he said and i quote "that's ****ed up."


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

thing1, that's indeed ***ed up that she left without saying anything and is still not communicating. I can't imagine how much worse my situation would be if my wife had not decided to finally talk to me (on several occasions) about her feelings and the sudden decision to leave.

It's those talks that, although hurtful, they allowed me to go through a complete transformation and become the person I am today.

I won't lie. She wasn't communicating at all before I spied on her and listened in on her conversations to be able to open some gates. She was dead set on leaving and not talking which really broke my heart at first.

Now she talks. With tears. Lots of them. I only listen and mostly agree. If she says something that I don't like, I try to just filter it out and let her have her moment. It's worked so far. I got a kiss today. 

She's not saying much about what she has in mind. I don't really ask either. I don't think I want to hear what she has to say right now about divorce and separation. 

I think you should try whatever means possible to get closure on this. Without closure you won't move on anytime soon, if ever.

What she has done is wrong, but that won't really matter much once you start talking to each other either pre or post divorce.


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

Yeah, I've already decided if we ever do talk I'd want to know everything. It'll hurt but I'll let her have her moment and I won't get angry, at least not show it. She has that right and I'd rather know than not know.

Incidentally, I'm not sure what the status is now. She never called my lawyer back. I sent her some logistical emails about things, you have this, i have that, etc. Then she did what I've been telling her for weeks, she called our pastor. 

I don't know what to make of it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I wouldn't give up man. She's mostly confused and checked out of the situation she was in. That doesn't mean she's gone for good.

Hunt her down and make her talk using the bond that definitely still exists (it will always exist). She will resist, avoid and possibly freak out, but she will eventually talk.

Don't automatically believe she's been cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your lawyer going to file divorce papers? I'm not clear what you have him doing.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

First off: *Homemaker, STFU*!!!

Second: Thing it sounds like your wife is long gone. She ditched you bro, and you are not going to hear from her.

This could be a good thing you know. If she does not respond to the divorce summons and makes no attempt to hire her own lawyer, you could realy clean house at the divorce hearing if she is a no show.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

spudster said:


> First off: *Homemaker, STFU*!!!
> 
> Second: Thing it sounds like your wife is long gone. She ditched you bro, and you are not going to hear from her.
> 
> This could be a good thing you know. If she does not respond to the divorce summons and makes no attempt to hire her own lawyer, you could realy clean house at the divorce hearing if she is a no show.


Hi Spudster,
I love mashed potatoes.
I'm reporting you.
Swearing at members is not allowed here.
You broke the rules, or in other words YBTR.
I don't tolerate that sort of behavior (any more).
Smooches.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> Hi Spudster,
> I love mashed potatoes.
> I'm reporting you.
> Swearing at members is not allowed here.
> ...


*S*top
*T*hreadjacking 
*F*orum
*U*sers

What?


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## thing1 (Jan 20, 2012)

thing1 said:


> Yeah, I've already decided if we ever do talk I'd want to know everything. It'll hurt but I'll let her have her moment and I won't get angry, at least not show it. She has that right and I'd rather know than not know.
> 
> Incidentally, I'm not sure what the status is now. She never called my lawyer back. I sent her some logistical emails about things, you have this, i have that, etc. Then she did what I've been telling her for weeks, she called our pastor.
> 
> I don't know what to make of it.


Update:
After a few days she emailed telling me she was sorry for her mistakes and forgave me for my mistakes, but that she had a "fear" of me and couldn't come back. She said she would call to be served papers. The "fear" mainly comes from that first night when I was angry and sat on the couch saying mean things to her. No threats, no breaking things, no physical harm. Just insults, I was wrecked. Why it is so severe in her I do not know, I can't explain it. Something is going on there.

That night we texted and it was civil. I started thinking about it, spoke with my therapist and pastor and decided it wasn't in my heart. I told her I would stop the papers again. No response. I do know she never called them after that. Since then its been pretty silent again.

I have this site where I write now and then, about my depression and us. She reads it. Checks it almost daily, sometimes several times. Don't' know what that means but I write what I feel and if I do it there I'm not texting or emailing her direct.

I did sing her song and email that. No response.

On VD I'm going to record a nice video and send it to her.

I think she just needs time and I have to be consistent and determined. I gave up once almost three weeks ago but I know what that feels like now and know that I can't do it. At some point, this will work, or it won't.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

spudster said:


> *S*top
> *T*hreadjacking
> *F*orum
> *U*sers
> ...


That's not what it ususally means.
If YOU want to be UNDERSTOOD clearly, don't use acronyms that could be mistaken for something else, and have a common usage in other than a forum. My suggestion, I'm fairly certain I'm not the only person to misunderstand you, unless you write things out...longhand, so to speak.


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## Freddie (Mar 14, 2012)

All this generous thought about the fleeing wife may have some truth but for a moment have a read of this specification of a sociopath and look for items that may fit your scenario. Sadly, it worked for me.
Profile of the Sociopath


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## waitinginvain? (Jul 24, 2012)

thing1 said:


> Yeah, I've already decided if we ever do talk I'd want to know everything. It'll hurt but I'll let her have her moment and I won't get angry, at least not show it. She has that right and I'd rather know than not know.
> 
> Incidentally, I'm not sure what the status is now. She never called my lawyer back. I sent her some logistical emails about things, you have this, i have that, etc. Then she did what I've been telling her for weeks, she called our pastor.
> 
> I don't know what to make of it.


Something similar is happening to me now, she left 2 and half months ago, and she hasn't talked to me for 2 months, changed phone number and everything.....I went to counseling with the pastor but nothing yet, I'm desperate.... how did your story ended up?


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## Willie (Jul 30, 2012)

I hope his silence means things worked out....


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