# Husband on sex dating sites



## concerned_7510 (Sep 14, 2011)

Sorry this is so long...

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He honestly is a great guy (or so I think)... He is handsome, funny, spontaneous, we have the same interests & passions.. We have a 12 year old (his step son) and a 2 year old. We've always talked about being sole mates and every year together it has felt that way. 

A few times in the past I caught him on dating sights, find a bill or re-occurring charge on the credit card for a site. We would talk about it and he would say he just did that because that's where the "better" porn was. Up until two years ago we've always had a very exciting and fun sex life too. Not being a porn lover, but understanding he's a man and it seems they all look it.. I accepted his answer, hesitantly. As time went on I never stumbled across anything suspicious so it all seemed to go away...

Well after the birth of our two year old with my hormones, a baby, a 10 year old, a 50 hour week job.. the sex went from 2-3 times a week to once a week. I knew this wasn't the best for him but he never said a word, acted unhappy, or ever tried for more. So I "assumed" all was well. I even talked to him once about it and he said it was no big deal.. Around this same time frame I found a receipt for a personal dating site. I confronted him and told me the same BS story (better porn) said he never contacted anyone, had been contacted or cared to. He said it wasn't a big deal and he didn't meant to hurt me and he would stop.

Apparently he just got more discreet is all. We like to sit outside and have a couple drinks together before I trail off to bed.. he RARELY goes to bed when I do, but knowing he is a night owl I was okay with that - we even talked about how that was affecting our sex life (we're never in bed at the same times, unless sleeping). A few weeks ago he had fell asleep and left the computer open. When I looked at the screen it was this same sex dating site. I got the same old reply... I this time told him BS - and that I was tired of having these same discussions. It's disrespectful, I consider cheating, etc... he promised that he didn't use it to contact anyone, was just curious, found it exciting, but promised he didn't "need" to do this and wouldn't. At that time I also suggested us doing something to better our sex life including watching porn together, trying new things, whatever it takes to get us back on track because Come on - This is my sole mate right?

So.. this morning I wake up at 5am to find all the lights on in the house from last night. So I travel upstairs to find him sleeping on the couch with the computer open. So of course I look at it. There was about seven pages opened of this same sex dating site. I found his profile (and even more disturbing is his profile pic was one he sent me of himself)! He has personal things in his profile and then there's all these emails between him and other woman. A couple asked him to meet and his reply was he wasn't ready for that! One of the emails had a very romance novelist feel to it, even where he described things he would do to this person! 

So I confront him - he says it's nothing, he doesn't take it seriously, it's more like a game to him... all in fun. He would NEVER actually go meet someone and never meant to hurt me, blah blah blah... I mentioned that I didn't know if I could get passed it this time and let it go like I have done all the other times and he looked like he was about to cry. He is shocked that I think this is so serious and he doesn't see it as cheating at all! I asked him to put my shoes on: He finds me on a site wearing my underwear and chatting to men, how would he feel? He couldn't answer me. 

I love him and our family is honestly always been like a fairy tale family. We all have fun together, do things together all the time... Over the last 10 years my heart has grown so much for him and I can't imagine us not being together.. But I can't continue not knowing how serious this is, if he can really stop or even will. Can I trust that he won't do it again, or actually go out and meet someone some day... 

Advice please.... Sigh....Go easy on me...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a guy who's used those sites to find affair partners... There us no good reason for a person in a committed relationship to be on those sites! I'm not saying he's cheating on you, but I was able to bet on it in Vegas, I'd consider it a safe bet that in the next year, if things don't change, he will have cheated on you.

I started off looking at profiles. Then checking out who's checked you out. Then emails and chats, followed by meeting in person. 

So what are you doing to address the reasons why he's doing this? Obviously simply asking him to stop isn't doing it. What about counseling? Laying down (and enforcing) boundaries, including transparency of all communication?

Good luck. And btw, this is the "taking it easy on you" version. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cant_believe_you (Sep 14, 2011)

maybe try counseling i think thats the best way.. seems like hes just going to get more and more sneaky.. im almost in the same situation and counseling is my next stop if that doesnt work i cant be with him any more cuz it does hurt me alot and i try to do what ever i can to make him happy and i feel like im not enough ugh


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## concerned_7510 (Sep 14, 2011)

Thanks that was pretty easy...  Well I have asked him if he had issues (I'm really starting to wonder about an addiction), he always says no. I ask if what he's hoping to gain from them & he says nothing. He told me today that he looks at it like a game. I said well it's not very fun is it? He says he doesn't view it as cheating.. It's like a big funny joke to him or something. I honestly don't understand. I mentioned going to talk to someone and he looked at me like I was crazy. 

The more frequent it seems to be happening seems troublesome to me, as well as his lack of seeing this as a big issue.. And just to add: I lost all my baby weight right after our baby was born. So it's not like when he met me I was a size 4 and now I'm ten times that (I'm still a 4)!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Addiction is a phrase thrown around way too easily, in my opinion. I'm willing to guarantee that it's not a problem that he CAN'T stop, but he won't stop. And he won't stop because he enjoys it, and the cost to him of continuing doesn't outweigh the enjoyment. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## concerned_7510 (Sep 14, 2011)

So do you think because every time before I have let it go after a day or two that he feels like it's "really" okay even though I get upset about it at the time? 

The very last time I caught him I was pretty clear. I said I can't continue our marriage like this. I explained how much it hurt me and that to me it was cheating. I told him that this was going to ruin our marriage if it didn't stop... So you think he's willing to throw it all away? 

And okay I'm stronger than I think. I like your last comment better than the first one PBear! lol..


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Sounds like he is enjoying his ego being stroked. I would be very wary as this is how an affair can start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My guess is he doesn't think it will cost him his marriage. He doesn't see it as a big deal, and you've let it go. You NEED to continue to resolve the issues that led to the problem, not just accept that he won't do it again.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately my estranged husband started out the same way. If your husband continues on this path, it will not end well for you. Your husband is essentially testing the waters. It's like a child playing around a pond. Despite numerous warnings the child usually ends up in the water--or at least finds a way to get wet. Your husband will fall in at some point.

There's absolutely no justification for a married person to be on those sex dating sites. You may want to discuss counseling with your husband.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Orrrrrr.... .since he is showing no concern..... If I were you, I'd step up my efforts to "meet his needs" and quit talking so much about it (cuz that is going nowhere). I'd also go to counseling by myself... to get myself in a good place in spite of where he is. 

It might be a weird phase for him, it might be habit by now...kind of exciting for him, either way... he is not too concerned about your feelings on it right now, that sucks for you. So ya, I'd work on my marriage and on myself.... so that however it unfolds you will be ok having put in the effort on both. I hope that makes sense.


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## TLCTugger (Sep 14, 2011)

PBear said:


> There is no good reason for a person in a committed relationship to be on those sites!


UNLESS he's doing it WITH his partner and they BOTH enjoy the affair with another person or couple. 

It's just unrealistic to expect one person to meet ALL of your emotional and physical needs forever. People change, and not necessarily in the same direction. My wife and I have been together WAY longer than we ever lived as single dating people. In these 20 years each of us has changed - a lot. 

I think what you need is more outside stimulation in your marriage, whether that's joining a bridge club or a swingers' guild. A hobby or interest that's new to both of you, so you can grow in it togther, wouldn't hurt. Astronomy? Human rights activism?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't see the point of putting a line in the water unless one intends to catch fish. In any case, he's not taking care of your sexual business to your satisfaction and that's a problem. Rather than taking care of you, he's selfishly satisfying his own urges in a way that upsets you and in a way that depends on his deceipt and dishonesty. I'd say a reasonable fix is that he promises firmly to refrain from the activity and he goes to bed when you go to bed. Beyond that, one could also disconnect internet service at the house or have him seek professional help for a possible porn addiction. Marriage counseling might help or maybe one of those romantic marriage improvement retreats. I'm not into porn but it's awfully easy to access and it wouldn't be such a huge industry without an abundance of customers. Logic dictates that most of those customers have wives and probably very few actually cheat in the flesh. Just saying that it might be easier and more satisfying to fix this relationship than to trash it over porn and to end up with one that could be far worse.


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## Just4Me (Sep 15, 2011)

concerned... I feel your pain. Going through the same thing with my husband of 26 yrs. for the past 10 months. Says the profiles are funny thats why he looks. What BS! Some of my friends have gone through the same problems. 

unbelievable- love this line
I don't see the point of putting a line in the water unless one intends to catch fish.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

STBXH has been doing this since before we got married. It culminated in a PA with a girl he reconnected with on FB - and then asked to befriend me. If he's hiding it and talking with other women or couples, it will only get worse. 

He needs to stop and give total transparency to what he has done and recognize that what he has done is tantamount to cheating (because he is looking to people outside his marriage for sexual satisfaction) or, in the very least, is a stepping stone to actual physical cheating.

Be very wary!!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I say fight fire with fire make a profile your self and leave it on the computer for him to find or even better try to act like someone who is interested and see how far he will take it.

but be prepared to see a side of him that would make you want to puke.


after you puke kick him to the curb.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I agree with chillymorm... Make a fake profile on the dating site he is using.. Get some pictures off the internet who you think he will be attracted to. See how far he will take it.. People who make profiles on dating sites are looking for sex usually. good luck...


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

As a guilty guy, I can say that I fell into compulsive behavior a lot like your husbands. It is a lot like an addiction, because the high you get is a sort of stress relief. The pattern can certainly be broken...you'll just have to make it clear to him that it has to stop.

For me, it was easier to play fantasy on the Internet than try to get what I wanted at home...partly because my wife and I have very different needs, and partly because I don't feel safe expressing my desires to her. 

I agree with all the above about the inappropriateness of this behavior. I'm doing my best to stay clean of it, but the temptation is always out there.


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## marty39 (Mar 20, 2013)

This is tricky questions. Here is my example: 18 or something moths ago, I sow in home computer history (really accidentally) that _someone_ (my husband, now EX husband) read this guide on where to find sex online, so I visited to see what is all about, it is on of many guys online how gives advice (imagine what advice?  ) to other guys (to morns like my ex).

I didn't want to rush, but on the other side I was feel very... pathetic. I can't explain. We were almost 7 years in marriage until then, no kids, but worked on that. I read what site for that month guys suggest, so opened profile on that site, without image but with my (our) city, and with "measures" in profile that I hoped that my ex will like. Of course, that girl that I "created" was younger 12 years than me. My idea is, if he really want to find women for sex, he will look somewhere near.

In first few days I was in panic, but then since he didn't contacted me, I was feel a shamed, tough that I am psycho doing whole that stuffs.

About 4 weeks latter I got message from my dear (my profile on adult site got message). In first moment I couldn't believe what he writing, but started to chat with him in next few days (when I am at work) ,so those conversations I will not tell you because they are so humiliating, but I need to know where we are. On question do you have a wife, he answered yes, on question what she thinks about this, he told "We are long time in marriage, and she agree with this, it is OK". I was mad! I know and agree with such behavior.Sure! Any case, I accepted invitation to meet on Saturday night. When we was at home, he told me that he has business trip, when we talk online he told my how he can't wait to meet me and similar BS. I was hoping for his last change, and it was: to now see him at place where we should meet, but unfortinatly he come. I think that rest of story is very self-explanatory...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well the original poster has probably figured things out by now, seeing as nobody has posted on this thread for 18 months!


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## concerned_7510 (Sep 14, 2011)

Actually quite the opposite. I had forgotten about this site or post until I saw an email from them. It's actually escalated even worse and my original post was three years ago? He now frequents Craig's list and continually texts girls in the wee hours of the morning. He. Will not come to bed when I do so we can be intimate or even try to bond. It's a one worst point in our relationship and he refuses to admit it's an issue. But here's the bottom line, he's willing to throw away fourteen years, kids, boat, etc over some kinky text messages and frequents to CL against my request and against my suggestion we try to spend that time on us instead of those sites.. So what choice is left. Oh and I've asked for us to see someone and he laughed.


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

How is he throwing away 14 years? He's been doing this for 3 years and nothing's happened, why should he assume otherwise?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

concerned_7510 said:


> Actually quite the opposite. I had forgotten about this site or post until I saw an email from them. It's actually escalated even worse and my original post was three years ago? He now frequents Craig's list and continually texts girls in the wee hours of the morning. He. Will not come to bed when I do so we can be intimate or even try to bond. It's a one worst point in our relationship and he refuses to admit it's an issue. But here's the bottom line, he's willing to throw away fourteen years, kids, boat, etc over some kinky text messages and frequents to CL against my request and against my suggestion we try to spend that time on us instead of those sites.. So what choice is left. Oh and I've asked for us to see someone and he laughed.


Oh boy.

First off, yes -- what he's doing it rightly classified as cheating.

Second, he hasn't stopped because you continue to allow it. That said, yes... it's beyond shameful that seeing you in such distress over his illicit activities isn't enough of a motivation for him to stop, but I guess that's just the type of guy that he is. And, actually, I'd be surprised if -- after close to 4 years -- he HADN'T _physically_ cheated yet.

At some point you've got to (a) draw a line in the sand and (b) either kick him to the curb or leave yourself if he continues to cross said line.

Geez.


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## TLCTugger (Sep 14, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh boy.
> 
> First off, yes -- what he's doing it rightly classified as cheating.
> 
> ...


It's not about porn. It's about his lack of interest in you and his lack of respect for you. 

It's about your kids and what they grow to think a healthy family looks like. 

Get out.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I was in your situation 7 years ago. I did NOT confront him until he actually went through with meeting up with someone from CL (and having sex), and what you're describing is the exact reason I did not confront......because I knew he'd blow it off as "no big deal," "I'd never actually meet anyone," etc. He would later throw it in my face that if I had truly loved him I wouldn't have LET it escalate as far as it did, and I'd have stopped him. Back then I knew his gmail password and was signed into his account as he was chatting with the person he was going to meet, and I knew when he left, around what time he'd arrive to their meeting place, and when they were doing the deed. He didn't deny it. 

If your H has not already met up with anyone, he will. You need to start protecting yourself from STDs. Filing for divorce might also get his attention!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

He's been doing this for at least 4 years. He's met other women, there's no doubt. He hasn't been playing games and leading people on all this time, which is maybe what it started out as. But as soon as he met someone he really clicked with and followed through with meeting her, that opened the floodgates, and now he's addicted.

It doesn't help that you know, or that he knows you know, and that you've caught him on these sites. For him, it's almost like permission. You don't like that he's on these sites, but you haven't done anything to prevent him from doing it, therefore he just continues.

I'm going to say something controversial, but it's not as bad as it sounds - each partner in the relationship needs to ensure that the other partner is appreciated and acknowledged in the way that THEY require it, basically for the length of the marriage, otherwise you run the risk of them seeking it out elsewhere.

So for your husband (and many men - myself included), he requires ego stroking, particularly of the sexual variety. It's not enough to just have sex with him a few times a week, or slap his butt occasionally. He very likely needs to feel truly wanted and desired in that way. You also have your own requirements, which he may or may not provide for you, and are probably much different than his.

Often, one partner IS getting their particular needs met and the other isn't. (Very) generally speaking, it's love and affection for women, and sex-related for men. And these are how these things start, unfortunately. If the woman is being ignored in the marriage (ie. husband doesn't cuddle, snuggle or otherwise affirm their love or appreciate his wife/partner) then she may seek it elsewhere. Even if it's just flirting with Joe Blow at the office. It's attention that she (or he) is lacking at home, and fills the need. Those things can escalate quickly, and before you know it, you're comparing Joe Blow, who compliments you constantly and notices when you're wearing a new perfume, to your husband who grunts at you from the couch.

From HIS pov (I'm guessing), the same is true. His relationship needs are/were being neglected. His needs are to be wanted by his spouse, and holding his hand or snuggling on the couch (things that you may require to feel validation within the relationship) do not have the same affect on him. He requires other things.

Putting up a profile on a website like that invites others to validate him as a man, and as a sexual being. And I'm sure he had no intention of ever following through in the beginning. It was probably enough for him to fish for compliments and interest at first. After all, that's what he wants, and needs. But the more it happens, the more he starts comparing his home life to this one, and the closer he gets to texting and eventually meeting these other women.

So let me be clear - it's not about sex, per se. It's about validation, feeling wanted and desired, and straight up ego. You guys could be having regular sex at home, and it may even be good. But if his wife isn't showing him that he's actually wanted and desired, and (not to be crude) that she wants his penis, loves his body, treats him like a stud, etc.

Think of it this way - if you want your husband to be affectionate with you, that's one of your needs, a requirement, and it's your validation and affirmation of love. If you are constantly having to hold HIS hand, or ask him to cuddle up with you on the couch, or hold you non-sexually in bed, or you're always kissing him - that gets tiresome. In his mind, he's not withholding from you - he's participating and doing the things you require of him. In your mind, it's all you. You're the one grabbing his hand, snuggling up with him, kissing him. Yes, he's receptive to your advances, but if you didn't make the first move, none of the above would be happening. You require HIM to do these things, on his own, without being prompted or asked.

So, none of this means it's your fault, nor is it justification for his actions. But it's the likely reason things have headed down this path, as it normally is in these situations. It's not uncommon for one (or even both) partners to neglect the others base needs in the relationship. It's easy to do, because each partner almost always has completely different requirements, therefore it's not difficult to completely forego providing something that YOU don't feel is important to you.

Again, it's a generalization, but it's a valid example - men are more physically and sexually needy, and this is how many of us receive validation and, yes, love, from our spouses. And it's not about just saying "yes" to sex, or even really how good the sex is. It's about touching us when we're not having sex, it's about flirting with us, it's about making us feel like we're wanted and desired.

If I only ever snuggled up with my wife on Saturday nights, when the kids were in bed, AND if she asked me to, then her needs would not be met. In my mind, I could say all kinds of things: "But we do snuggle and cuddle!" or "I cuddled you last week!" or "I never say no to cuddling!". They all may be completely true. But am I meeting HER needs for cuddling outside of those parameters? Am I making time for those needs at other points in the week? Am I coming across as actually WANTING to meet her needs? No, of course not.

She wants him to cuddle her, not the other way around. She wants him to reach for her hand while out walking, not the other way around. She wants to hear "I love you", rather than "I love you, too".

And he doesn't want to ask for sex, even if she says yes all the time. He wants her to touch him, touch his penis, even take it out and play with it. He wants to know that SHE wants HIM.

So this goes both ways, husband or wife. Know what your spouses base needs and requirements are, and make an effort to meet them, it's that simple. Just because one thing is not important to you doesn't mean you can forego doing it, because you arrive at situations like this.

Again, I stress, this is NOT a justification for these types of actions, ever. Nor is it YOUR fault. But they are avoidable, and often without as much effort as one would think. People often lose sight of things that are important to one person but not at all important to you, which is the antithesis of marriage, imo. Marriage is not about one person. It's not just about having your needs met.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, why are you tolerating his behavior? He is cheating, he knows that you know, and you do nothing.

My *Ex*, went on those sites, engaged in multiple PA/EA, and argued it was in his words "in no way having an affair" I have yet to figure out what his definition of an affair really means. But the point is, when a spouse does something and keeps it secret they tend to know what they are doing in unacceptable. Is it to you?

Trust me, you can't nice him out of this. He scoffs at counseling, huh. Will he scoff at a separation agreement? If you are not willing to go that far, he will never stop.


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## Conceal.Dont.Feel (Apr 20, 2015)

alexm said:


> He's been doing this for at least 4 years. He's met other women, there's no doubt. He hasn't been playing games and leading people on all this time, which is maybe what it started out as. But as soon as he met someone he really clicked with and followed through with meeting her, that opened the floodgates, and now he's addicted.
> 
> It doesn't help that you know, or that he knows you know, and that you've caught him on these sites. For him, it's almost like permission. You don't like that he's on these sites, but you haven't done anything to prevent him from doing it, therefore he just continues.
> 
> ...


Wow! This is a great summary of the path I have gone down with my wife. I went from wanting more sex, to wanting her to want sex, to realizing I want her to desire me. NO. I have not worked at meeting her needs. I did that for 25 years. I now have reached my limit. I have actually just started exploring "those" websites. I need the ego boosting. But, I have a slightly unusual reason for doing so that some of you will laugh at. In these past several months of soul searching, part of my story is an obsession with a coworker. A full blown OBSESSION. Can't get her out of my mind.. I learned through soul searching that it is not HER that I am obsessed with but the FANTASY of her. My dreams clashed with reality. The mundane mixed with marvelous... and I became obsessed. Back to the point of the websites. In trying to "find a hobby" to distract me from her, I knew that taking up hiking or kite flying or playing guitar wasn't going to work. I ultimately explored some websites. Yes, I know it is wrong. I know it is cheating. BUT, it has lessened my obsession with HER. The excitement of seeing women who desire sex is exhilarating, refreshing and encouraging. I have not contacted anyone (yet?, mostly because all the sites cost money, or require credits, or i am afraid of scams...)

I am on TAM trying to learn where this will lead me. The replies in this thread tell me I am on a slippery slope. I know that. 

Not trying to steal the thread. I just realized that Alexm's response was so dead-on to my situation.


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## dragonlover5629 (May 13, 2017)

in the same boat here with my husband of 7 years. he just says he wants to look at pictures but he is signed up with at least 12 different sites. one of those sites he posted a picture of his wang for everyone to see. he said it would stop and clearly it hasn't. He says he wants to be with me and that he loves me but I don't see it. How could someone claim to love and care for someone when this stuff happens? I thought of counseling but he doesn't believe in it. He says I'm over reacting.


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## Lovebug5551 (Sep 23, 2017)

dragonlover5629 said:


> in the same boat here with my husband of 7 years. he just says he wants to look at pictures but he is signed up with at least 12 different sites. one of those sites he posted a picture of his wang for everyone to see. he said it would stop and clearly it hasn't. He says he wants to be with me and that he loves me but I don't see it. How could someone claim to love and care for someone when this stuff happens? I thought of counseling but he doesn't believe in it. He says I'm over reacting.


Try with counseling, but unfortunately I think that will not change him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a 6 year old thread. The original poster has not been here for years. I'm closing the thread.


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