# Intimacy after an affair



## cmrogers13 (Aug 17, 2013)

My husband had an affair. Its ended now and we are in counseling and both want to work on the marriage. Intimacy was an issue prior to the affair, it was basically non existent. I would like to start taking steps towards becoming intimate again but I'm very scared if I can handle it emotionally. Does anyone know of any exercises or steps that we can do to progress into this slowly to make sure I can handle this step? Thanks in advance


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It would be helpful if you could go into more detail about the state of your sex life and relationship prior to discovering the affair. Where are you now in terms of intimacy and comfort level, not to mention anger and resentment.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Was the lack of intimacy because of him or you?
Still doesn't justify an affair.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

cmrogers13 said:


> Does anyone know of any exercises or steps that we can do to progress into this slowly to make sure I can handle this step? Thanks in advance


I think you should just be realistic and take it slow and steady. It will suck the first few times. Start with kissing. When you can handle that easily, add manual stimulation. Continue to slowly escalate until you're comfortable with sex.

It might take weeks, or months. And don't get discouraged at setbacks. You will likely have a few. But as long as you're progressing overall, you'll have a better marriage than before the affair.

Good luck.


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## cmrogers13 (Aug 17, 2013)

Anon-we would generally have sex maybe once every 3-4 weeks, usually special occasions. We were working on different areas in our relationship then and i thought it was getting better, but apparently not. I'm definitely angry, but not to the point where its a constant issue anymore. We aren't fighting, we're actually talking more than ever before in our marriage. He is making definite changes to show he wants to correct our previous issues and have a better marriage.

Thound-it was a mutual issue the majority of the time. We both work and would use being tired as an excuse a lot. It was also kind of a constant battle with us over who would initiate sex and how, so it kind of became a put off for both of us. Believe me, i do not excuse his affair in any way, there is no justification for an affair. Ever, in my eyes. 

Pht-thanks  I know, its been a show process already. We started just with hugging, because i really just needed comfort. We've been adding kissing into our day to day lives, which for us both is increasing arousal. I'm just not sure if I'm emotionally ready to jump right into sex head first again. I'm very scared of how i will handle it. I appreciate your suggestion and think that will be our next step, seeing how I can handle just being stimulated by him again. And we are definitely making progress as a couple, our marriage is already better than its ever been. I think this is why I'm attempting the next level of intimacy, I want to keep progressing in all aspects of our marriage.

Thank you all for responding


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So you two became pretty distant, your needs went unmet, his needs went unmet and then the affair. Now you're better connected and although your needs for affection and emotional intimacy are being met, your fear letting go enough to have sex.

Maybe understanding that his needs for emotional connection get met through sex might help push you a bit. Understanding that men connect via sex, just like a woman feels loved and connected when he shows affection outside the bedroom.

Your trust was broken but you've taken steps to rebuild it. You want to take the next step but fear it. If you open yourself again you could get reminded of his betrayal and all that can come back. That is scary.

Maybe if you think of taking that next step as a challenge to trust. Do you like being challenged? Do you like the feeling of accomplishment when your force yourself to learn or do something hard or scary? 

Thinking of taking that next step...there has to be a measure of trust in yourself. Trusting yourself to be able to not only spread your legs but to focus on the pleasure of his touch and the feelings associated with that. Having sex this first time is for you to practice feeling good about how he touches you, how you share your vulnerable self. That you allow yourself to be completely open and trust him to take care of you is sort of like the baby birds first flight out of the nest. 

You don't even have to have sex. You could just be naked with him and touch each other for a while. You could start with full body massages that don't include a "happy ending" if that would keep your alarm bells from going off. You both would have to agree that this is the game plan first. No matter that his body may respond and wish for the happy ending, it doesn't happen. Then you get your massage. If you feel relaxed and open enough for sex to happen, you tell him you're ready. But this is not about sex. It's about allowing him to touch you, allowing yourself to relax and just feel good.

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice has some good advice about emotional intimacy and building back trust, becoming emotionally available also means becoming emotionally vulnerable. maybe you should spend some time there?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Husbands problem: sexlessness. 
Strategy: affair. 
Result: almost loses marriage. 

Wife's problem: husbands affair. 
Strategy: more sexlessness. 
Result: pending....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Husbands problem: sexlessness.
> Strategy: affair.
> Result: almost loses marriage.
> 
> ...


Not exactly a fair point. While 'sexlessness' shouldn't be warranted in a marriage, neither should an affair. And as was pointed out by the OP, they were sexless due to mutual issues, not her shutting the door exclusively. 

Speaking to the current situation, the fear of intimacy is understandable, yet its not something which can be everlasting either, and kudos to the OP for understnading this as well.

Question to the OP, have you tried to be intimate yet? If so, how close have you been able to get?

If you haven't, how far have you progressed since the affair? Is kissing the farthest you have progressed? Have you tried touching each other sexually? Anything sexual at all?

And I'm sorry if I missed it in reading your posts, but how long has it been since the affair? I assume its been a few months or so based on your acceptance of it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just do it. Quit thinking so much about it and DO it. The first time, I cried. The second time I didn't. The third time I had an orgasm. 

The longer you wait the more excruciating you're making it.


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## marty39 (Mar 20, 2013)

I wish you luck, but I am not optimistic when it come to such man behavior...


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