# My heart aches



## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

I guess I just need to vent, but hoping for reassurance.

I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 2. I care for him, but over the years the fighting, disinterest, neglect, frustration, lack of sex, poor communications, etc. has driven me to the point where I no longer am in love with him. 

Almost 2 months ago, I told him this, and we started counseling. It helped us communicate, but nothing changed with my feelings. We were seaprated but trying to work on things... But my heart is hardened and while I see that he is trying to make some changes, I don't FEEL them. I've pretty much convinced myself that it is over.

...but there is this tiny string that keeps holding on because I like the security, I like having someone around, I care about him, etc. But I honestly have felt for so long that we are in a loveless marriage. I hoped that things would be better after we were married, since they weren't horrible before we got married. We had our problems, but I thought they would be worked through. They just got worse, to the point were we don't talk - I can't stand him touching me, etc.

So now here I am, separated and okay with that, he keeps asking me if it's over, I keep saying I don't know if I can love him again like a husband. I can't bring myself to say "Yes, it's over", though I have rationalized it all, talked through it all, been pretty much okay with the decision. 

Any advice?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I know you told him you don't love him. But do you love him?


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

I love him, but not romantically, I have said, and believe strongly that he is not "the love of my life"... I stopped being in love with him a long time ago. We have really been co-habitating.. no intimacy, no passion, no respect, all of that. It's made me not love him... I just don't know if it can ever come back.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

What do you mean by "the love of my life". I don't want to assume anything here.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Can you think of any positives in your relationship now?

Can you think of any postivies with your H now?

I say this because often, in these cases, people are focusing on the negatives, on the past, on the "if onlys." These thoughts will keep you feeling negative regarding your H.

If you can think of positive acts that have been occuring, then your feelings may change over time.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

1) I would never say that my husband is the love of my life - Meaning that I have loved another in a way that I know I can never love my huband.
....I will interject a scenario. I am walking and talking with a friend of mine. We are having a heart to heart girl talk session and I told her with a heavy heart that I did not marry the love of my life.. Someone who I haven't seen or talked to in ages...

2) Yes, there are positives. I feel a sense of security with him, He takes care of the house (most of the time), I have no doubt he would never cheat on me, He does not try to control any aspect of my life. 
I believe that is about all I can come up with, and those are the things that are keeping me here saying "will this be enough if this is all I have for the rest of my life?"...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Flutterby said:


> Almost 2 months ago, I told him this, and we started counseling. It helped us communicate, but nothing changed with my feelings. We were seaprated but trying to work on things... But my heart is hardened and while I see that he is trying to make some changes, I don't FEEL them. I've pretty much convinced myself that it is over.


When love dies in a marriage in the manner it has in yours it will take a lot longer for your feelings to return than two months. My wife and I have traveled this path over the last two years. It does take time, effort and some pain but it can improve. We have made great strides but are still not complete. She still has not said “I love you Amp” but I hope that will come sometime in the future. Give it all you’ve got and don’t throw the towel in too early. Good luck.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Two years seems like a long time. I've been living with these feelings for so long already and feel empty inside because of them. Not that your situation is indicitive of ours, but still - I just can't imagine feeling this empty inside for that much longer. 

I want hope - but I'm not sure if I am longing for the hope that my husband can be a better person, or the hope that I will find true love somewhere out there. 

The problem is that a big part of me is really ready to just move on. But I'm having a very hard time telling him that, because there is a tiny part of me that feels that I may be making a bad decision. I can't imagine a different world when everything I want is nothing that he ever was... 

Can a person really change and become someone completely different?


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

7 years is a tough year, not to in any way discount your feelings! 

But can a person change? Sure, but it depends. If the changes are small, then maybe, and if it's something within his control (for example: helping more around the house, or even getting a handle on an addiction). But if the changes are so big and broad, like his very nature (personality, values/beliefs, attitude, etc), those are much more difficult to expect any immediate results. He has to be willing to make those changes, and you would have to be willing to be patient to give him time to make them. 

I know that's a hard decision. Very hard. And it may feel like the decision all lays on you, but it's really up to both of you. 

Try journaling.. then read back over it every few days.. it is helping me gain better clarity in my situation. 

Best of luck!


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Thanks - I'll try journaling.

I asked him to give me more space and not call me all of the time - only when needed for bills and stuff like that. But today he had to come to the house to get something and then asked me to go to a movie - I said ok.

It's like everything he says or does sets me off and annoys me, so I'm snapping at him. Then he tried to hold my hand (something he just started doing to "try" to make our marriage work - we spent 7 years with him never holding my hand) and I pulled away, and he was surprised/a little upset because he figured that since we were together, we might as well try. 

I just don't know. If everything your spouse does annoys you, can you get over that?


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

You're probably feeling patronized, like maybe he's trying TOO hard? That can be annoying if you're not ready to let him yet.

And you probably agreed to go to the movies because it seemed natural, but then resented him for obligating you to "try", especially since you already asked him for space! He needs to respect your need for space but I'm guessing he is probably afraid you might discover you are better off without him. 

Sounds like you may just not want to hurt his feelings, but denying your own is not good either. You will hurt him by being annoyed with him. Then again, I may be reading too much of my own problem into yours! Sorry if I have it all wrong.. good luck to you!


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

No! you are absolutely right. I have already hurt him enough I feel. It's not like I don't care about him at all - I married him! But it's different now. I don't want to hurt him more... But it's innevitable, it's just that maybe I'm hoping that time apart and me distancing us will help soften the blow and make him realize that his life isn't over (since that what he says).

Then, I agree to do stuff because I'm TERRIBLY lonely. 

It would be so much easier (but not really) if I was seeing someone else. But I won't do that. 

Honestly, in my heart I know it's over. I just NEVER in a million years thought that he would go to this effort to try to "fix" everything that was wrong. Especially since I have been telling him for several years that it has been wrong. I just never told him it with such finality. He never listened. And I moved on in my heart already. 

But there is that little voice in my head that is telling me that when I say "i'm done", it's over. He's gone. I am alone. He will hate me for the rest of my life... You know? 

And the unfortunate thing is that I don't have a lot of people calling to offer me support or see if I want to get together. So, I pretty much already feel alone... which is what is probably giving me the feeling that I am okay doing stuff with him.

If I could scream right now, I would.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

I totally understand. If you read my story, the word "lonely" is a complete understatement in my case!! I definitely get feeling lonely. But I finally got so used to it I didn't see it as lonely anymore. I chose to look at it as "me time" when truth is, it was abandonment. And I think familiarity is a hard thing to tear yourself away from. 

Sounds like you've given him warnings and "fix" opportunities before.. he just waited so long to catch on.

Not trying to say you should stop trying... maybe write down what it is you want and what you need in your life. Asking me that has been like asking my favorite muppet!! What a foreign thought.. but it may help give you insight and maybe give you some clue if he can even give you what you need/want..


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

One other thing, I know you said you aren't getting a lot of calls of support or offers to go out, but you may want to reach out to some friends or family. Being around others is helpful and can be comforting and distracting. Contact those that care about YOU, preferably girlfriends that make you laugh! Bring some joy back into your life! It is doing me wonders chatting with my gal pals and just talking about movies... after I've vented for hours on end about my marital woes, of course. LOL


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Yes, I have reached out a little. Was hoping for a little more support than I have gotten. I'll get over that.

I know that my relationship with hubby has never had what I want... so not sure how he thinks he can give that to me. 

But thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

People keep telling me "you will be ok". 

So Flutterby, "you will be ok".

did that help?


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Yes, I will be okay...

Now if all the other things were just as easy...


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Own your own feelings. Don't try to own his feelings or reactions to yours. ok.. another load of crap people keep telling me, but maybe it will help you! 

Wishing you peace and tranquility. Truly.


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