# Why Cant I move on



## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Hi there, I was here many years ago, talking about my not so happy relationship of 25 years (one of you called it a "roller coaster".. This guy is/was my high school sweetheart the only person I have been with. We have two children. Well I finally ended the toxic relationship 4 years ago. I stood my ground and did not allowed him back after begging me. He did started a new relationship. Which I know the relationship started before we separated. That was my last straw he forced me to finally kick him out. I was always sad always finding myself crying for something he did. Well he never stopped begging to come back. His relationship ended he lost his job and ended up living in the streets. He begged and begged to let him back in but I did not. Now he has gotten back on his feet, has a new car a place to stay. But he has not ever given me any financial assistance for his kids. His thing is let me in and I will give you all my $. He just begged me last week again to let him back in. But I just feel the pain he caused me and my kids. I feel like only when he needs us he wants us back when things don't go well for him. So now this past wknd. I started feeling depress, doubting myself. Afraid anxious and I cant seem to understand why? Am I afraid he will move on? Did I ever let him go? Why cant I move on? How can I possibly think that he is worthy of another chance after all that his done. Is he capable of making me happy? Is he capable of really changing? Is he really a different person or is just talk? WHY HAVENT I LET HIM GO? HOW CAN I MOVE ON? I am in pain without him but still in pain when I am with me. Because I will never forget all the pain he caused me while being together. Staying late at night, not caring of my feelings. Talking to females. Not being there emotionally. Not providing. I was loosing it emotionally that I could not stand the pain, the hurt, that I tried hurting myself while being with him. I had a nervous breakdown. So why do I want to hold on to the what if? and I am afraid for my future. Is been 4 years I was doing OK I had accepted that fact that we were no longer together that I needed to move on. I was happy my kids are happier. So why now I cant stop crying I cant stop thinking about the what if? Afraid of being alone and him happy and going about with his life. Did I really let him go? or was I holding on to him? How can I really move on? I hate myself for feeling this way of felling afraid and confuse. I cant live another year unsure of my decision. of feeling sorry for him. That maybe I could of given him another chance. But what about my pain. Again it would be forgotten dismissed like in the past. My son refuses to have a relationship with his own father. Then why cant I move on?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Part of the grief process is "accept the new normal". Part of that "new normal" is being alone. I think you still want the old normal, and your "what if?" question has already been answered.



vivamoz101 said:


> How can I possibly think that he is worthy of another chance after all that his done.


You will have to answer "how can (you) possibly think" - but, he is absolutely not worthy of any consideration on your part.



vivamoz101 said:


> Is he capable of making me happy?


No. The only person in the world who can make you happy is you.



vivamoz101 said:


> Is he capable of really changing?


Yes. But he has to WANT to.



vivamoz101 said:


> IIs he really a different person or is just talk?


No, just talk.



vivamoz101 said:


> My son refuses to have a relationship with his own father.


Your son is a smart person. He has made the right choice. Your son does not NEED his father. He might wish that things were different, but bottom line, your son knows that he will be just fine without his father.

Ask your son why he is not afraid to be without his father.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Now that he's working, you need to get your child support payments. I don't know where you live, but in the US, you just google "child support" and talk to the agency and let them know and they will garnish his wages to give to you. Don't let him bribe you to take him back! Why are you even talking to him if he's not paying your child support??


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What you’re missing is what you dreamed your marriage was going to be like. When your ex husband started another relationship you felt cheated and subconsciously wondered why he couldn’t behave himself with you. 
Contact whoever in your area is responsible for child support payments and go after him for what you are owed. He will soon show his true colors.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

TJW said:


> Part of the grief process is "accept the new normal". Part of that "new normal" is being alone. I think you still want the old normal, and your "what if?" question has already been answered.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





TJW said:


> Part of the grief process is "accept the new normal". Part of that "new normal" is being alone. I think you still want the old normal, and your "what if?" question has already been answered.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





TJW said:


> Part of the grief process is "accept the new normal". Part of that "new normal" is being alone. I think you still want the old normal, and your "what if?" question has already been answered.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for your responding. I guess I started believing that maybe what I always wanted, keeping the family together could possibly be possible. But I forget that there is a good reason why I finally left after 25 years of trying. I guess since he has been the only one Ive known. I somehow really haven't let go. Maybe in back of my head since he always begs to come home. I forget how selfish he has always been and again I started to think that I can settle for the little he can give. I need to find myself again before I can start moving on and really heal. You are right when you said that only I can make myself happy. I became to depend on him for everything in my life. He made be so dependent of him. 25 years. I left my friends I had no sort of social life. It has only been him and the kids. While he was always friendly, going out hanging out with his friends. and me it was always about family. In the beginning he was possessive a very jealous person. But had to issue me working and provide for us. My son doesn't want to have a relationship with him. He says his father had the chance, the chance to change to make it better but he never did. Promises after promises. Disappointments after disappointments .But never nothing. My son once told me that his father really didn't love us. I told him he did. That no matter what happened between he and I it had nothing to do with them. He responded, no he didn't because if he did he would of changed. He said you love us because you always do everything to take care and provide for us. So my son has mentally detached from wanting to have a relationship with his father. He is done giving chances. He worries about his sister she is only 12 and he says the day she realized who our father is she would be really sad. I was fine I was happy I really don't know what happened to me this weekend that I started to feel very sad and scared.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Now that he's working, you need to get your child support payments. I don't know where you live, but in the US, you just google "child support" and talk to the agency and let them know and they will garnish his wages to give to you. Don't let him bribe you to take him back! Why are you even talking to him if he's not paying your child support??


Exactly what everyone has always told me? Why haven't I filed child support. First year was because I did not want him to have an excuse to be around us. I wanted to avoid him at all cost. Second year and now (4th year) was because he was living in the streets, lost his job (which he tries to make me guilty of, he said I never replied to his calls, texts and I did not take him back when he was in the streets in the cold etc. . But that now I do reply to his text . and the only reason why I reply is because he texts me and I reply you need to give me $ . I already let him get back on his feet and turned his life around and now is time. I honestly do let him still have contact with us because I do it for my daughter. It is not her fault his dad is that way. She still wants to talk to him and have a relationship with him. But yes I asked myself why haven't I file for child support what is holding me back.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You don't understand. Just because he has to pay child support doesn't mean he has to be around you ever again. He can see the child IF he goes to the court and gets custody but you two need some kind of arrangement on that formally. You apply for child support, and the State takes it out of his pay and sends it to you. You don't have to see him. I don't see what the point is of being split up if you're just going to let him do whatever he wants anyway. Make him pay child support. You don't owe him anything. You don't need to see him yourself at all. You can even set up an email service the judge can require for the only contact to be by email and only about the child. You're just making it hard on yourself and not giving your child the best support because you're letting him off the hook for it.

You're cheating your kids out of that child support by enabling him. The requirement for him seeing the kids should be that he works and pays child support. At this point, he's basically just an absentee father. Sometimes the court or social services will put them on a program to earn their way back into the children's lives.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You don't understand. Just because he has to pay child support doesn't mean he has to be around you ever again. He can see the child IF he goes to the court and gets custody but you two need some kind of arrangement on that formally. You apply for child support, and the State takes it out of his pay and sends it to you. You don't have to see him. I don't see what the point is of being split up if you're just going to let him do whatever he wants anyway. Make him pay child support. You don't owe him anything. You don't need to see him yourself at all. You can even set up an email service the judge can require for the only contact to be by email and only about the child. You're just making it hard on yourself and not giving your child the best support because you're letting him off the hook for it.


Yes you are right, I honestly cant understand why I havent file. I really dont. Call me stupid but always feeling sorry for him. He really mentally in someway messed me up. Like I owe him something.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> What you’re missing is what you dreamed your marriage was going to be like. When your ex husband started another relationship you felt cheated and subconsciously wondered why he couldn’t behave himself with you.
> Contact whoever in your area is responsible for child support payments and go after him for what you are owed. He will soon show his true colors.


He started a new relationship and the girl would always find a way to upset me and I left them alone never bothered them specially him. Never forced him to help me with $$. And look at me now. Still thinking or hoping we could ever be a happy family. Honestly I really need to find some sort of help for myself. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and feeling sorry for him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're cheating your kids, you're enabling him, and this is the example you're setting for your kids, that it's okay to shirk your parental duties and financial duties, it's okay not to work and that there is no requirement or standard for being around the kids. You're teaching a daughter to find a guy exactly like this! You're teaching a son to be exactly like this and it's all just fine. It's not! Get an attorney and get a formal agreement and limit contact with him. If you really think he can take care of the kids on his own part of the time, then you know the most normal thing in the US is joint 50/50 custody, where he'd have to do his part. But he doesn't sound capable of it. So if you mostly have them, he has to pay. If you share them, he has to do his half but doesn't have to pay you if he's doing half, but he'll never get it together to do that if he is already the type to be on the street because you're not taking care of him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

vivamoz101 said:


> Honestly I really need to find some sort of help for myself. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and feeling sorry for him.


You've already won half the battle by realizing you need to change. Can you get counseling? Most services offer online counseling nowadays. It would help you to share your feelings with someone who can walk you through the process of letting go of your "what if?" thinking. Focus on WHAT IS: Your husband is a bum who hasn't stepped up to the plate and done the right thing. He was always a bum. Give yourself a pat on the back for kicking him out and not letting him back in.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

He was on the street because of his own choices.

I hope that you can direct that sympathy towards yourself that you have been giving him. The greatest gift you can give him is to stop feeling sorry for him. Devote time to really feeling sorry for yourself, I mean really think about yourself and what he’s out you through and eventually you will let go of all those what if’s.

It’s time to care for you and it will shock you one day how much you will no longer care. And happiness will come to you, your son is so right, he doesn’t love anyone.
So far, you’ve done an amazing job! Look back on your progress and how you’ve not taken him back and how you DO see the truth.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're cheating your kids, you're enabling him, and this is the example you're setting for your kids, that it's okay to shirk your parental duties and financial duties, it's okay not to work and that there is no requirement or standard for being around the kids. You're teaching a daughter to find a guy exactly like this! You're teaching a son to be exactly like this and it's all just fine. It's not! Get an attorney and get a formal agreement and limit contact with him. If you really think he can take care of the kids on his own part of the time, then you know the most normal thing in the US is joint 50/50 custody, where he'd have to do his part. But he doesn't sound capable of it. So if you mostly have them, he has to pay. If you share them, he has to do his half but doesn't have to pay you if he's doing half, but he'll never get it together to do that if he is already the type to be on the street because you're not taking care of him.


You are 100% right. Enabling thats what I did while together and Im doing the same now while seperated.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> You've already won half the battle by realizing you need to change. Can you get counseling? Most services offer online counseling nowadays. It would help you to share your feelings with someone who can walk you through the process of letting go of your "what if?" thinking. Focus on WHAT IS: Your husband is a bum who hasn't stepped up to the plate and done the right thing. He was always a bum. Give yourself a pat on the back for kicking him out and not letting him back in.


Thank you for your kind words. Yes I actually called and I am waiting for someone from a counseling office to call me to set up my first meeting. I really think I have some issues that I need to resolve. 25 years together somehow molded me in to something that I am not so happy about. A person pleaser. Codependent. Everything saddens me. Always trying to be the caregiver. I never think of myself. He molded me to think it is ok to settle for less. Not to expect nothing in return. I was doing so well. I dealt with some harsh times these past years and omg this year.. The place I work at is really struggling to survive so who knows if I would even have a job next year. Ive mentioned this to him that i am going through some harsh times. Two months ago I told him I was going to need $ for the kids christmas gifts. Christmas came and no $ and he did not even show up with gifts for the kids. My mother was just diagnosed with leukemia just recently so that has me in my feelings as well. I dont even want him to find out about it. Because somehow he always makes everything about himself. So yes I need counseling. I need counseling to make me understand why if I was doing so well I am now in so much pain again why am I so confuse and very scared. I have been through hell and back and I have always kept everything inside. I have soo many questions that I need to find answers for. Thank you I am glad I came to this platform again. I was really in a dark place these past days. Your comments, opinions and advise really helped me and today I feel a bit better.


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## vivamoz101 (Apr 11, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> He was on the street because of his own choices.
> 
> I hope that you can direct that sympathy towards yourself that you have been giving him. The greatest gift you can give him is to stop feeling sorry for him. Devote time to really feeling sorry for yourself, I mean really think about yourself and what he’s out you through and eventually you will let go of all those what if’s.
> 
> ...


Thank you I really hope I find my way again. To feel confident of my decisions. No regrets and no turning back.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you could afford to get an attorney, then you just let the attorney handle this and take this off your plate.


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