# HUSBAND PICKS FIGHTS WHEN I DRINK



## parsnip

My husband intentionally pushes my buttons when I'm drinking, then blames it on the fact that I'm "drunk" when I get upset. This only happens once every couple months or so, but it's been going on for years and I recognize it as a pattern. 

We could be having a perfectly calm, relaxing evening, I'll start winding down with a drink, and then BOOM, out of nowhere, my husband starts picking a fight with me. When I start getting visibly upset, he'll blame my change in mood on the fact that I'm drinking. It seems like a clear pattern, and it makes me feel like he intentionally plans on having difficult discussions or arguments to when I'm drinking as a way of manipulating me or gaining power over me in order to try to invalidate my reaction and make me seem reckless. 

I have mentioned to him multiple times that I notice he intentionally picks fights when I'm drinking, but when I tell him I'm not going to drink anymore so he can't hold it over me, he tries to convince me that I don't need to try to stop drinking. 

My husband often manipulates me or tries to show power over me... I'm tired of this being an example of how he does so. 

Thoughts/suggestions/recommendations on how I can move forward from this... I feel like the only thing I can do is to not drink anymore at all... but it's easier said than done when he often buys me drinks after I tell him that I'm not going to drink anymore.


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## Tdbo

Don't play the game.
Refuse to drink the drinks he buys after you cut yourself off.
Request water.


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## Diana7

Maybe he hates it when you drink. How much do you normally have?


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## Blondilocks

Don't play his game. Whatever he says respond with "That's nice, Dear". If he gets you to agree with him buying a new Harley, merely tell him the next day that it was said while you were under the influence and he should know better than to bring up serious subjects while you're drinking.


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## parsnip

Diana7 said:


> Maybe he hates it when you drink. How much do you normally have?


I can understand your train of thought, but the most recent situation when this happened was like this:

I was home doing the dishes, poured myself a glass of wine, and was listening to a podcast in my headphones. I just started my 2nd glass of wine (my husband was drinking a glass as well while he watched tv in the living room). Then, out of nowhere, he stormed in and asked me why I had been spending so much money on Amazon, pulled up the app, and made me explain to him every single purchase I had made in the past week. 

I felt: 
1) Ambushed 
2) Disrespected, because we don't have financial struggles, we have a significant amount in savings and investments, and I've also had a large salary increase this past year and make more money than him per year. 
3) Ignored, because I have been telling him over the past few weeks that I was trying to get all of our holiday shopping for family completed early this year and have been trying to involve him in the decision making process. 

So to answer your question, how much do I normally drink? I drink a glass or two of wine once or twice a week. I used to drink more often and more heavily (we both did), but I have cut back significantly in the past year.


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## parsnip

Tdbo said:


> Don't play the game.
> Refuse to drink the drinks he buys after you cut yourself off.
> Request water.


Thank you for your response. I think this will be what I do moving forward.


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## parsnip

Blondilocks said:


> Don't play his game. Whatever he says respond with "That's nice, Dear". If he gets you to agree with him buying a new Harley, merely tell him the next day that it was said while you were under the influence and he should know better than to bring up serious subjects while you're drinking.


Lol, this one sounds like it could get me in trouble!! Thank you for your response though, and I get that the sentiment behind it is to not have serious conversations while drinking. I've tried to talk with him about times to avoid having serious discussions and respectful arguments, I've requested for him not to do so when I'm drinking (for reasons like this) or falling asleep (he's been known to wake me up as I'm falling asleep, or even wake me up in the middle of the night after he's been staying up late to have a serious discussion). He seems to be making somewhat of an effort because it's not as bad as it used to be, but clearly, it's still happening from time to time.


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## LisaDiane

I think you might be dealing with the fact that when he drinks, HE becomes more touchy and volatile about things that normally wouldn't seem so important to him...so it might not just be that you have been drinking that makes these incidences seem out-of-control, but that HE has been drinking.

You might try making a plan that when you are both having a few drinks, anything he wants to talk about that is serious or important to him, he will write down and refrain from discussing it until the next day.


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## parsnip

LisaDiane said:


> I think you might be dealing with the fact that when he drinks, HE becomes more touchy and volatile about things that normally wouldn't seem so important to him...so it might not just be that you have been drinking that makes these incidences seem out-of-control, but that HE has been drinking.
> 
> You might try making a plan that when you are both having a few drinks, anything he wants to talk about that is serious or important to him, he will write down and refrain from discussing it until the next day.


Wow, thank you so much for your response. I hadn’t considered this perspective before. I think that’s a great suggestion as well. I really appreciate your feedback.


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## Cooper

Your fight example had nothing to do with drinking. Couples fight about money all the time. Maybe you should wear a special hat when you drink so he knows not to speak to you.

I'm only half kidding. It sounds like there is resentment both ways and alcohol exagerates the situation. Might be time for some serious marriage talk, and pick a sober night.


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## GregoryStellar

What is your purpose when you drink? If the goal is relaxation, then achieve it in another way! Sports outdoor recreation! And then your husband will not annoy you! This is my advice to you!


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## D0nnivain

Maybe you have it backwards & he gets like this when he drinks. You happen to be drinking at the same time so you think it's about your consumption but what if the alcohol has some effect on him that makes him more confrontational?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

parsnip said:


> I can understand your train of thought, but the most recent situation when this happened was like this:
> 
> I was home doing the dishes, poured myself a glass of wine, and was listening to a podcast in my headphones. I just started my 2nd glass of wine (my husband was drinking a glass as well while he watched tv in the living room). Then, out of nowhere, he stormed in and asked me why I had been spending so much money on Amazon, pulled up the app, and made me explain to him every single purchase I had made in the past week.
> 
> I felt:
> 1) Ambushed
> 2) Disrespected, because we don't have financial struggles, we have a significant amount in savings and investments, and I've also had a large salary increase this past year and make more money than him per year.
> 3) Ignored, because I have been telling him over the past few weeks that I was trying to get all of our holiday shopping for family completed early this year and have been trying to involve him in the decision making process.
> 
> So to answer your question, how much do I normally drink? I drink a glass or two of wine once or twice a week. I used to drink more often and more heavily (we both did), but I have cut back significantly in the past year.


Well, he just sounds like a d!CK in all situations.


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## DownByTheRiver

parsnip said:


> My husband intentionally pushes my buttons when I'm drinking, then blames it on the fact that I'm "drunk" when I get upset. This only happens once every couple months or so, but it's been going on for years and I recognize it as a pattern.
> 
> We could be having a perfectly calm, relaxing evening, I'll start winding down with a drink, and then BOOM, out of nowhere, my husband starts picking a fight with me. When I start getting visibly upset, he'll blame my change in mood on the fact that I'm drinking. It seems like a clear pattern, and it makes me feel like he intentionally plans on having difficult discussions or arguments to when I'm drinking as a way of manipulating me or gaining power over me in order to try to invalidate my reaction and make me seem reckless.
> 
> I have mentioned to him multiple times that I notice he intentionally picks fights when I'm drinking, but when I tell him I'm not going to drink anymore so he can't hold it over me, he tries to convince me that I don't need to try to stop drinking.
> 
> My husband often manipulates me or tries to show power over me... I'm tired of this being an example of how he does so.
> 
> Thoughts/suggestions/recommendations on how I can move forward from this... I feel like the only thing I can do is to not drink anymore at all... but it's easier said than done when he often buys me drinks after I tell him that I'm not going to drink anymore.


Boy, he has a real need to get something over on you. Yikes. I can't believe he's such a fool that even after you called him on it, he continues. You need to just tell him to stop and do it when you're perfectly sober.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

parsnip said:


> My husband intentionally pushes my buttons when I'm drinking, then blames it on the fact that I'm "drunk" when I get upset. This only happens once every couple months or so, but it's been going on for years and I recognize it as a pattern.
> 
> We could be having a perfectly calm, relaxing evening, I'll start winding down with a drink, and then BOOM, out of nowhere, my husband starts picking a fight with me. When I start getting visibly upset, he'll blame my change in mood on the fact that I'm drinking. It seems like a clear pattern, and it makes me feel like he intentionally plans on having difficult discussions or arguments to when I'm drinking as a way of manipulating me or gaining power over me in order to try to invalidate my reaction and make me seem reckless.
> 
> I have mentioned to him multiple times that I notice he intentionally picks fights when I'm drinking, but when I tell him I'm not going to drink anymore so he can't hold it over me, he tries to convince me that I don't need to try to stop drinking.
> 
> My husband often manipulates me or tries to show power over me... I'm tired of this being an example of how he does so.
> 
> Thoughts/suggestions/recommendations on how I can move forward from this... I feel like the only thing I can do is to not drink anymore at all... but it's easier said than done when he often buys me drinks after I tell him that I'm not going to drink anymore.


I think drinking is courage. You cannot always or ever preclude what is spoken about during drunk as unadmissable. Even if you supposedly have issued consideration on the merit of intoxication. Intoxication of you and your irrelevance is why you would not consider it, not his.


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