# New to forum: my story



## toashamed (Jul 19, 2009)

My wife left me on July 9, 2009. It was my fault completely. To start from the beginning: As a child I was verbally and physically abused since the age of 8. I met my better half my senior year in high school. We got married 2 years after graduation. It was good for a few years, but the past 10 years have been rough on her. I never put my hands on her and never would. I was still abusive verbally though, and am ashamed of it. She tried for years to get me to seek therapy, but I didn't see it as a problem. It was all I knew, I thought that was the way life was susposed to be. Since she left I have seen the err of my ways and take full responsibility for my actions. I have told my family doctor and my new therapist all about my problems. I will never know the sorrow I put her through. All I want is to make things right. She says she loves me but hasn't been in love with me for the last 4 months. She knows I have taken the hardest steps of my life in seeking to fix my problems for both her, our 2 children, and myself. I firmly believe she is my soulmate. She said this past week has been wonderful for her and she is actually happy. I need advice as I'm alone in our house and see her things everywhere. After all I put her through I feel I should leave her to be happy cause that is what she deserves. the problem is I cant. Now I'm aware of the problems and the sacrafices she has made for me, I love her more than ever. 

Thanks for reading and any advice would be dearly appreciated.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You are in a very lonely place right now and it hurts like hell. You have also taken the difficult first steps in improving yourself. Good for you, no matter what happens in this marriage or any future relationships you will need to learn to control your tendency to use verbal abuse as a solution to problems. Likely your wife has noticed and appreciates your acceptance of the problem and attempts to change that. You have ten years of bad behavior to atone for. It will take time for this to recover but it can. You must first commit to your changes for life and not falter. You are in a zero tolerance situation right now as far as she’s concerned. Be patient with her and your marriage as you move forward. Get control of yourself, your emotions and your temper before you try and “fix” the marriage. Good luck, you do have a chance here


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I feel for you. Abuse is so hard to overcome especially when it is long term. My father was abusive to my mother physically and to me emotionally and verbally. My mother was also very verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable. BUT it is no way to continue through life. The problem is....once abused you either seek out someone else to abuse you or start an abusive behavior yourself.

Now that you know that you were abusive to your wife....you know what it did to you when you were abused....you can start to heal yourself and move forward. But you have to break the cycle completely.

I subconsciously ended up with abusers...just like my father. And I am emotionally needy because I have never given myself a chance to heal from the abuse I experienced as a child. You have to realized that your wife needs to get help too. She may be happy....but she experienced abuse. That doesn't just disappear. She will carry it with her the rest of her life and into other relationships if you can't work things out. It isn't healthy for your children.

You should seek as much counseling as possible and try to persuade her to go with you....gently. Let her see how you have changed before you expect to make progress. And give her time....to trust you again.


GOOD LUCK.... I really do sympothize with you....abuse is terrible.


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## toashamed (Jul 19, 2009)

I'm truly sorry that happened to you Denise. I know the wounds it leaves behind. Have you sought out therapy? I 'm a firm believer in it. I've only been twice so far, but the relief I feel when I leave is overwhelming.


Thank you both for the great advice. she just told me she "thinks it might be to late" her words. 

As far as my temper, I notice it before it gets out of hand now. Just wish I had noticed it before. My best plan of action is to take the advice you two have given. I will continue to go to therapy and I will control my temper from here on out! I will give her space.

Thanks again. I didn't think anyone was gonna reply, honestly.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

toashamed: The fact that you recognize and are taking action are terrific for youself and your marriage. You will have stopped the cycle of abuse!!!! Congrats.....

Yes, your wife has every reason to feel the way she does. Your actions will speak louder than words. You already know this.

As Amplexor said....she lived with this for 10 years. It will take time to make amends. 

In the meantime, work on improving yourself (like you are) and doing what you can to make you BOTH happy!

You've taken the right step. Welcome to the forum...


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

And lose the shame. Shame causes you more problems than anything. Heal that child that experienced so much pain. You may have had bad behavior....but it doesn't make you a bad person. All of us have bad behavior.....ALL of us.

Take time to heal yourself.....and it will show up in your life....and your wife will see it. Be prepared for it to be "too late"...but don't think that she is capable of making that decision now. Don't assume that her words reflect her true feelings. It is way too early for her to even know how she is going to feel as you change. I would still encourage her to do counseling....if for no other reason but to help the children. 

And continue to get help yourself. Be careful of Physchiatrists and therapists though....they are all human and some times they make mistakes.....if you start to feel uncomfortable with what they tell you....try a different one. And never let them tell you that medication is a cure all....because it isn't. Sometimes it can make matters worse.

Trust me ...I know from experience. I did counseling several times in my life. Guess what actually worked? Christian counseling.....I am just now getting involved with that. But when I turned things over to God, he started healing things that I didn't know could be healed. Am I all well and perfect.....NO....but I am stronger and able to face that horrible past.

Don't worry about how your wife responds to you.....respond to her with love. She will have no choice but to see you differently.

I pray you have wonderful success.....keep your chin up and keep posting.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

toashamed said:


> she just told me she "thinks it might be to late" her words.


Heard those exact words my self. But here we are two + years down the road, still together in a greatly improved marriage. There is hope but it could take a lot of time so don’t be discouraged if things don’t change in a hurry.

Keep in mind the key word in her statement. "Might"


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## toashamed (Jul 19, 2009)

To all who responded: Thank you very much! I needed that to keep me sane. I have therapy tomorrow, and can't wait to let off some more stress in a constructive way. Again thanks 

Eric


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

i love counseling. My H left me the same week as your wife. therapy has helped me quite a bit, as well as building a strong support system of family/friends. i strategically continue to build it when i feel the time is right. i admit, that i'm a little stronger. the tears have become less every night and sometimes i just want them to come out, but they don't. i'm actually kind of liking some of the independence, but boy it's hard being a single mom to a 1yr old. loving spending the time with him, but gosh it's hard! i just keep thinking it's only making me stronger, right? i'm still a bit angry at times. mostly very sad though. life sure throws some fast ones. i just wish i was a little more prepared for it. 

keep posting. were all here to support each other


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