# Anniversary after infidelity



## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

Coming up on my first wedding anniversary since learning my husband cheated on me. I discovered the infidelity about 5 months ago and even though we are reconciling, the wounds are still fresh. I'm just wondering what other people have done? Celebrate it? Act like it's any other day? Binge drink and eat ice cream? Also, do you recognize in any way together the date of disclosure or discovery? Thanks for any insight!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Maybe leave the ball in his court, like maybe tell him happy anniversary, and that's all you do. See if he makes any kind of effort to do something special... if he does, then good karma points for him. I feel like if YOU do something, then its like you're saying all is ok now, does that make sense?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Annabegins said:


> Coming up on my first wedding anniversary since learning my husband cheated on me. I discovered the infidelity about 5 months ago and even though we are reconciling, the wounds are still fresh. I'm just wondering what other people have done? Celebrate it? Act like it's any other day? Binge drink and eat ice cream? Also, do you recognize in any way together the date of disclosure or discovery? Thanks for any insight!


Nope, no celebration at all. When you are ready, you get to pick when the anniversary is, maybe a couple of years of you being sure that he is clean and he has done everything in his power to make you feel safe, loved, cherished and desired. 

Several reasons for this. 1) Your old marriage is dead. So is that date. 2) You want to choose the NEXT date if you end up staying, and at 5 months, don't just say that you are. You get to decide what you do. And 3) By telling him this, he can see how horrific what he has done to you. So horrific that you cancel your anniversary and your are waiting to see if there will be another date later. 

Sound too harsh, it should not...


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Maybe leave the ball in his court, like maybe tell him happy anniversary, and that's all you do. See if he makes any kind of effort to do something special... if he does, then good karma points for him. I feel like if YOU do something, then its like you're saying all is ok now, does that make sense?


Makes complete sense. I guess the struggle for me is that I don't have any desire to celebrate it in any way, but it seems weird to just ignore it also. We have always made a special day out of it, and I know he will plan something, but I'm getting anxiety just thinking about the date.


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Nope, no celebration at all. When you are ready, you get to pick when the anniversary is, maybe a couple of years of you being sure that he is clean and he has done everything in his power to make you feel safe, loved, cherished and desired.
> 
> Several reasons for this. 1) Your old marriage is dead. So is that date. 2) You want to choose the NEXT date if you end up staying, and at 5 months, don't just say that you are. You get to decide what you do. And 3) By telling him this, he can see how horrific what he has done to you. So horrific that you cancel your anniversary and your are waiting to see if there will be another date later.
> 
> Sound too harsh, it should not...


Doesn't sound harsh at all actually. Thanks.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i'd take it a step farther.

was there a "special place" he went with the skank?

i'd tell him you made dinner plans and head over there. let him squirm for a while.

and don't say ONE word about what you are doing.

surely this is a $hitty passive aggressive move...but I believe the only way for a wayward to come to terms with what they have done is for them to come to grips with what they have done. moving on, better know as rug sweeping.....just keeps the misery going.

his reaction to such an event will tell you where his head/hart is.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think whatever you feel comfortablewith. Period.. it's the first anniversary after DDay.

Now if you are still refusing all romantic gestures forever 5-10 years from now (like a BH I know), that would be different. But now? Its 100 percent YOUR comfort.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Annabegins said:


> Coming up on my first wedding anniversary since learning my husband cheated on me. I discovered the infidelity about 5 months ago and even though we are reconciling, the wounds are still fresh. I'm just wondering what other people have done? Celebrate it? Act like it's any other day? Binge drink and eat ice cream? Also, do you recognize in any way together the date of disclosure or discovery? Thanks for any insight!


Honestly you need to discuss it together ahead of time. It is not just another day so treating it like one can breed resentment. Celebrating at this point probably doesn’t feel right either. So I would talk about how you can acknowledge it from where you guys are at this point in R. Acknowledge is much different than celebrate. 

Full disclosure, my dday was my anniversary in my first marriage so that is a whole other level of not fun. And we only made it through one before I bailed. 

Marriage #2 - our anniversary is during affair season so it does cause some triggers for me. But they have lessened over the years. Our first anniversary after was about 9 months after dday. He gave me a card and wrote a poem. I did nothing for him. But we talked about it in advance. We have been able to actually celebrate each anniversary since, although they do include a touch of sadness for a moment. I try to stay away from the wine at these key times or the sadness gets out of hand. 

Regarding acknowledging dday - I would suggest you don’t, at least not in a specific way. I am a big “dates” person. My husband is not. And I had lots of dates that brought me sorrow. We lost a baby during that time that I directly blames on the affair. So in addition to all the affair stuff I have a loss date and due date that I will never forget and he will never remember. Just like the anniversary, bring it up, discuss how you might both be more emotional during that time - it might even feel like a set back. But don’t dwell on the specific date. 

My dday is 12/27/13. I am 4 yrs, 8 months out. And I will likely be able to recite that date as quick as my own birthday for the rest of my life. My husband would be able to say “around Christmas”. And that is okay. He doesn’t care less, he just wasn’t traumatized like I was. And that date has come and gone the last couple of years and I didn’t even notice until after. We are repairing our marriage and our life together 365, not 12/27.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

My DD was more than a year ago and two weeks ago was our 18 yrs anniversary. We are totally honest and no gift or anything was exchanged. But all the couples at church had an event just to go out all of us and we went still. That's it. She knows I have nothing to celebrate with her.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

x598 said:


> i'd take it a step farther.
> 
> was there a "special place" he went with the skank?
> 
> ...


I really love the level of spite you’re bringing to the table here x598 but (unfortunately or fortunately?) there is no skank. Just a random hook up with a dude he solicited for sex off craigs list. So the infidelity piece is really just the tip of the iceberg here. 😕


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> My DD was more than a year ago and two weeks ago was our 18 yrs anniversary. We are totally honest and no gift or anything was exchanged. But all the couples at church had an event just to go out all of us and we went still. That's it. She knows I have nothing to celebrate with her.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I’m new here Pepe so I don’t know your story, just curious, did the other folks from church know about the cheating?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You wrote, *just a random hook up with a dude he solicited for sex off craigs list.*

Don't have sex with your H that's high risk behavior for HIV, HPV possibly drug resistant syphilis or whatever!!


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

Don't I know it!! The disregard for my health is still something I'm angry about. I had a full screening done after I found out as we had still been having sex all along.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

AB,

Please also monitor whatever mucus membranes of yours were in contact with your H's. My sister in laws husband used to go to bordellos and she now has some sort of precancerous growth in her throat. It can take years or decades for HPV caused cancers to make themselves known.

Did you have your H take a polygraph.

Tamat


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Just a few days shy of my 5-year DD, my feelings are that your wedding "anniversary" will never feel the same. Lost is the specialness of having made it another year. My 30th came and went this way, and I can say that we did not celebrate it in the least. So sad


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Well, call me gung ho. My DDay was Veterans Day 2015, agreed to R December 24th, 30th Anniversay January 9,2016. We went to a five star hotel, had a great weekend, and have rebuilt from there. I was called a fool on here as well as a few other adjectives, but I took the reverse “sackcloth and ashes”approach. This knocked FWW for a real loop. Here we are now tonight doing great on our deck, with my DD and life is good. My FWW knows what Semper Fi is for certain. 3 years of r on its way. Our marriage is more solid than ever, I am appreciated more than ever, and we feel alive again.

For me, Veterans Day will never be the same.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BluesPower said:


> *... 1) Your old marriage is dead. So is that date.*


Another of those little "joys" that R with a cheater brings to your former marriage.

In truth, why would anyone that R with a cheater want to have the former. Yeah, I'm in the R crowd that forgave but will never forget, 9 years post DD. The wedding bells, the anniversary date, the rings, the dance, oh and the vows... gone like a freight train.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Annabegins said:


> I really love the level of spite you’re bringing to the table here x598 but (unfortunately or fortunately?) there is no skank. Just a random hook up with a dude he solicited for sex off craigs list. So the infidelity piece is really just the tip of the iceberg here. 😕


wait...he hooked up with a guy???

sounds like a weekend trip to San Fran to celebrate would be in order. 

i hear the shopping is good anyway.

very sorry you are here and going through this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Annabegins said:


> I really love the level of spite you’re bringing to the table here x598 but (unfortunately or fortunately?) there is no skank. Just a random hook up with a dude he solicited for sex off craigs list. So the infidelity piece is really just the tip of the iceberg here. 😕


Can’t understand why you have stayed. He’s gay, how in the world will this work in the long run?


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

RWB said:


> BluesPower said:
> 
> 
> > *... 1) Your old marriage is dead. So is that date.*
> ...


You mentioned the rings... did you ever replace yours? I have absolutely no desire to keep mine... I’m super dramatic so I have envisioned taking them somewhere significant and throwing them from a mountain top... not necessarily practical but you stop caring about practicality... it’s bittersweet to see so many people who have been able to remain somewhat happily in a marriage with someone who has betrayed them but even so many years after R there are just some things that you can never get back...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Annabegins said:


> You mentioned the rings... did you ever replace yours? I have absolutely no desire to keep mine... I’m super dramatic so I have envisioned taking them somewhere significant and throwing them from a mountain top... not necessarily practical but you stop caring about practicality... it’s bittersweet to see so many people who have been able to remain somewhat happily in a marriage with someone who has betrayed them but even so many years after R there are just some things that you can never get back...


If this is how you feel, maybe you would be better to let go of trying to R and just divorce him. Its perfectly understandable if you are not able to get past this. I personally would not be able to. And you can take some reassurance that you did try.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Annabegins said:


> I really love the level of spite you’re bringing to the table here x598 but (unfortunately or fortunately?) there is no skank. Just a random hook up with a dude he solicited for sex off craigs list. So the infidelity piece is really just the tip of the iceberg here. 😕


Whoa - random hook up with a dude? Sweetheart that is just the tip of the iceberg, so don't be surprised to find more skeletons in that closet. Care to share your story? How long have you been married? How old are you and your husband? Kids?


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

AB - with such a young marriage and such huge red flags, why stay? I'm not one of those that thinks every situation calls for divorce but if ever there was a case... Just him showing complete disregard for your safety should be enough no?

Did you know your husband was gay/bi before this? How did he come clean and how did he explain this to you?


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

First wedding anniversary - I missed that. Run like your a** is on fire. This ain't getting any better!


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

Tex X said:


> Annabegins said:
> 
> 
> > I really love the level of spite you’re bringing to the table here x598 but (unfortunately or fortunately?) there is no skank. Just a random hook up with a dude he solicited for sex off craigs list. So the infidelity piece is really just the tip of the iceberg here. 😕
> ...


Okay, back story- the abridged version... I’m 35, he’s 44, we’ve been together for 10, married for (almost) 6, have a daughter together who is 4 and I have two step children who are teenagers... back in March I discovered pictures on his phone that he confessed were pictures that were taken during a hookup a month earlier with a guy at a hotel in town. I packed my s*** and left with our daughter the next morning. So fast forward to what I have learned since then. He’s a sexy addict. Has been addicted to pornography pretty much his whole life which stemmed from an unhealthy experience with his much older brothers when he was very young. This addiction eventually culminated in the Craigslist hookup because he said it was something he always wanted to experience and was too ashamed to discuss it with me and had really got in his own head with how intense the porn was. I know, I know... 

So anyway, he started addiction therapy the next day, got rid of his phone, put blocks on the computer... 

I moved back in May and im still figuring stuff out. It’s hard to rationalize the behavior, and there’s no excuse for it in my mind (addiction or not) but I’m here for now. I always believed that my H was “my person” so it’s hard navigating these waters I never thought I’d find myself in. 

Thanks to everyone who took time to read and respond so far.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Annabegins said:


> Okay, back story- the abridged version... I’m 35, he’s 44, we’ve been together for 10, married for (almost) 6, have a daughter together who is 4 and I have two step children who are teenagers... back in March I discovered pictures on his phone that he confessed were pictures that were taken during a hookup a month earlier with a guy at a hotel in town. I packed my s*** and left with our daughter the next morning. So fast forward to what I have learned since then. He’s a sexy addict. Has been addicted to pornography pretty much his whole life which stemmed from an unhealthy experience with his much older brothers when he was very young. This addiction eventually culminated in the Craigslist hookup because he said it was something he always wanted to experience and was too ashamed to discuss it with me and had really got in his own head with how intense the porn was. I know, I know...
> 
> So anyway, he started addiction therapy the next day, got rid of his phone, put blocks on the computer...
> 
> ...


And what makes you believe this is the one and only time he did this? Make sure you get ALL the facts before you decide to R. Just one incident of cheating (let alone a gay hookup) is enough to make just about anybody head for the hills, but are you prepared to R if there is more? Ok so it's an addiction - fine he can call it whatever he wants. Just don't slap a label on it and rug sweep it is all I'm saying. You deserve to know everything, and you're still young enough to find another forever love if this becomes too much for you to handle. I really do wish you the best - you don't deserve any of this.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Leave it to him. If he truly wants to reconcile then he has to take the lead


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Annabegins said:


> Makes complete sense. I guess the struggle for me is that I don't have any desire to celebrate it in any way, but it seems weird to just ignore it also. We have always made a special day out of it, and I know he will plan something, but I'm getting anxiety just thinking about the date.


If you do not have any desire to celebrate it, then do not, why on earth should you. He messed up, then you have every right to mourn and what to forget that you and he exchanged vows which he did not keep.
Ignore it, no presents, no reminders nothing.
I have a dear friend whose husband cheated, she refuses even 3 years later to celebrate and even took off her wedding ring and removed any jewellery he gave her. The ring was his vow to her, why should she wear it when he broke those vows. They are still married, counselling, etc.

You do what makes you feel ok. He has to sort it out.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Annabegins said:


> Coming up on my first wedding anniversary since learning my husband cheated on me. I discovered the infidelity about 5 months ago and even though we are reconciling, the wounds are still fresh. I'm just wondering what other people have done? Celebrate it? Act like it's any other day? Binge drink and eat ice cream? Also, do you recognize in any way together the date of disclosure or discovery? Thanks for any insight!


I'd say forget about celebrating the anniversary. What's the point of these formal celebrations when the most important thing right now is to get your marriage back on track?

If he wants to celebrate, leave it to him and let him do all the work. He's the one to prove he still cares about you and this marriage.

5 months is NOT enough time to go back to how things were before. Focus on more important things:

1. Is R worthy, to begin with? 
2. Are you able to leave it all behind?
3. Is he behaving like he should and trying to make things work?
4. Has he genuinely regretted cheating? If yes, what are the reasons? Is it for convenience or because he still deeply cares about you?

You need to look more deeper into this whole situation, than just the facade of an anniversary.


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

aine said:


> If you do not have any desire to celebrate it, then do not, why on earth should you. He messed up, then you have every right to mourn and what to forget that you and he exchanged vows which he did not keep.
> Ignore it, no presents, no reminders nothing.
> I have a dear friend whose husband cheated, she refuses even 3 years later to celebrate and even took off her wedding ring and removed any jewellery he gave her. The ring was his vow to her, why should she wear it when he broke those vows. They are still married, counselling, etc.
> 
> You do what makes you feel ok. He has to sort it out.



I also refuse to wear the rings for the same reason as your friend. And like her, and many other people here who have responded, I will never be able to "celebrate" the day of the anniversary of our wedding. It is so hard to give anything of yourself to a person who has taken everything from you. But somehow, we all still wake up in the morning and try our best to make decisions we can live with later. I do fear that no amount of time will be enough to heal from this, and it's a toss up right now if I want to invest the time trying, to only feel like I've wasted it in the end. I would hate to be three years later in this marriage and still needing counseling, but I suppose that's a realistic possibility. I guess focusing on healing my self confidence and sense of worth as a woman at this point in time is more beneficial to me then investing too much into a marriage I'm not sure yet is savable :/ Thanks for your thoughts.


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> I'd say forget about celebrating the anniversary. What's the point of these formal celebrations when the most important thing right now is to get your marriage back on track?
> 
> If he wants to celebrate, leave it to him and let him do all the work. He's the one to prove he still cares about you and this marriage.
> 
> ...


I'm not so sure yet that R is worthy, I don't know that I will ever be able to trust him again, and I know that trust is crucial to a happy marriage... I am still in love with this man, so it is painful to think about either option at this point. I really feel like he took everything from me. Like he's given me two equally terrible options. Stay or go. In both options I picture myself as unhappy... before I was blindsided with everything I really looked at my future with so much hope and positivity. It was all sunshine and rainbows. Now everything is so uncertain. I feel like he has done everything "right" since, he got immediate counseling, took appropriate measures to get his life together, and has been an overly attentive and supportive husband since. I do feel like he genuinely regrets the choices he made that brought us here, he seems to be just as sad about what we have lost as I am.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Annabegins said:


> I'm not so sure yet that R is worthy, I don't know that I will ever be able to trust him again, and I know that trust is crucial to a happy marriage... I am still in love with this man, so it is painful to think about either option at this point. I really feel like he took everything from me. Like he's given me two equally terrible options. Stay or go. In both options I picture myself as unhappy... before I was blindsided with everything I really looked at my future with so much hope and positivity. It was all sunshine and rainbows. Now everything is so uncertain. I feel like he has done everything "right" since, he got immediate counseling, took appropriate measures to get his life together, and has been an overly attentive and supportive husband since. I do feel like he genuinely regrets the choices he made that brought us here, he seems to be just as sad about what we have lost as I am.


Beware he might be behaving all good and correct for as long as your guard is still up. Once your guard is down, he might deviate and go back to square 1.

For now, DON'T give him signs that you think he's doing his part well. He might think he's getting away easily. 

You're still blinded and I wouldn't suggest you think about celebrations and all that. There's nothing to celebrate here, really.
All you should think about is what he's gotta do *MORE* to prove you that he's changed for better! You can't be satisfied with so little, so fast.

If he wants to celebrate, let HIM organise everything. Not you! You lay back and "enjoy the view", but be attentive!


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Annabegins said:


> Coming up on my first wedding anniversary since learning my husband cheated on me. I discovered the infidelity about 5 months ago and even though we are reconciling, the wounds are still fresh. I'm just wondering what other people have done? Celebrate it? Act like it's any other day? Binge drink and eat ice cream? Also, do you recognize in any way together the date of disclosure or discovery? Thanks for any insight!


Late to the party but...In my case, I found out during my wife's birthday. And our anniversary is soon after that. Right before the freakin' holidays! Talk about awkward! 

My parents planned to take us out for dinner in a very nice restaurant with the whole family present....I was sooo ashamed. I told my wife that I wouldn't go and I would cancel with my parents. We had a huge fight during that one! I was afraid that I would break down and it would all come out during dinner. And that wasn't fair to my parents. Not when THEY were footing the freakin' bill. "Happy 13th. anniversary!" And here's to many more...*with OM involved with them.... Give me a break!

It was then that I was going to dinner and then we would settle the holidays as a family. The 1st. of the year, I would move out and away to another town...I reserved an apartment during the next week. I didn't tell anyone. I was too embarrassed. Right after Xmas, my wife rolled out of the fog, came clean and showed true remorse. She found out about me having an apartment....

It became real then. Even during the anniversary dinner...My wife smiled through the endearing comments made for us and even tried to hold my hand. I was disgusted. I only had a salad needless to say. I couldn't stomach a steak to say the least....


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