# Husband has a desire to sleep with someone else.



## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

I don't know if this is the right thread to post in. But here's my issue.

My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have 4 children. Just recently he told me he has a desire to be with someone else. I've been with previous lovers but he's only been with me. He tells me I don't know what it's like to have only been with one person and there's no way that I can understand what he's feeling. He won't explain anything to me as to why he's feeling like this. When I bring it up, he shuts me down. We don't have a very active sex life. It's not because I don't want to. I have a very high sex drive and his is much lower. It doesn't bother him to go months without sex. I can't stand it anymore. As few weeks ago, I bought new toys to spruce things up and NOTHING! :banghead: 

I'm now thinking this is more than just a desire to have sex with someone else. It's more than just a curiosity. As you can imagine, I have so many negative emotions going on in my head. I don't feel loved, wanted, desirable, or attractive at all. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore, like I'm the problem. He tells me he loves me and still wants to be with me. But this desire has become increasingly worse. He's afraid he might act on it if given the opportunity. Any thoughts one to why he's feeling this way? He refuses to talk to me about this. I don't know what to do anymore.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He needs to have a hard awakening and come to his senses, realize
what he has and start remembering his wedding vows.

he needs to grow up and stop being a manboy sounds like to me.

'Poor, poor me, ive only had one lover' (violins in background)


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I could be seeing this wrong, but I think he is intentionally pushing your boundaries because he thinks he can get away with it. Ask yourself what you would do if he actually did cheat on you? Is this a deal breaker? If it is then tell him and make yourself perfectly clear. No one deserves to be treated like a doormat. Are you enabling him?

If it was me, I would tell him strait up. You cheat and I'm gone. I won't wait for you. I won't be plan B. 

I would also suggest you discuss this with a lawyer. If he straightens his act up and you choose to stay, them MC is a must. His behavior is utterly disgusting. I'm sorry if I come across a little strong. I'm rooting for you.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hmm, my first thought would be to ask if he wants to be with someone else, how does he expect you to handle that?

Would it be a secret?
Would he inform you and tell you who, when where and how it went?
Exactly where is this affair to take place?
If he has a low sex drive, what makes him think being with someone else will be something he wants?
What does he hope to get from this?

And most importantly....
If it okay if you also find someone else to fvck around with?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He has always had a lower sex drive than you? Has this caused continuous problems? What kinds of discussions have you two had about this mismatch in sex drives?


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> He needs to have a hard awakening and come to his senses, realize
> what he has and start remembering his wedding vows.
> 
> he needs to grow up and stop being a manboy sounds like to me.
> ...


:iagree:

When life hands you lemons, your job is to make the best fricken tasting lemonade in the world. (Not to imply that the OP is a lemon at all)

He already has a high drive spouse at home. If he would just make a little effort he could probably have sex beyond his wildest dreams. 

Where's Anon Pink and her 2x4? lol. That was fast!


----------



## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> He has always had a lower sex drive than you? Has this caused continuous problems? What kinds of discussions have you two had about this mismatch in sex drives?


No, he hasn't. Before children we had a pretty amazing sex life. During my pregnancies and the first few years of raising our kids, my sex drive was on the lower side. But we still managed to stay as active as possible. This has been a major problem the last 3 years. When we talk about it, he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. He thinks I'm overreacting and tells me to use my toys to satisfy my need for sex. UGH! That's not why I bought them! I'm so frustrated by his lack of communication.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Muse1976 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> When life hands you lemons, your job is to make the best fricken tasting lemonade in the world. (Not to imply that the OP is a lemon at all)
> 
> ...


I've had my 2x4's taken away by a mod. My avatar is a rainbow of foam bats. I'm allowed to use them instead.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband wants to cheat on you. Not only that, he wants to rub your face in it. That's why he is telling you that he wants to sleep with someone else. 

He probably either already has someone picked out or he has been having an affair for some time now.

Very often when a man's interest in sex with his wife falls off it's because there is another woman in his life.

If you want to find out what's going on, don't say a thing to him about it and start snooping. Does he spend a lot of time texting or on the computer? Does he keep his cell phone close and not get leave it out of his site?

This is not about you. There is nothing wrong with you. My suggestion is that you start focusing on yourself. start working out if you are not, get a complete makeover in your hair, clothing, etc. Do things that you enjoy.

If he wants to talk about his desire to cheat, tell him very clearly that you will not stay in a marriage with him if he cheats and your certainly will not give him permission to do it.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I can understand why he wants to 'sleep with' ie have sex with another woman...because he only has experience of one woman, his wife.

If you look at our blue print, men are designed to spread as many oats as possible to ensure the continuation of the species.

I have had sex with more than one woman (though maybe only five in total) so I, as have many other TAM'ers have too, so we have experienced different sexual partners. The OP's husband is 'curious'. That I can empathise with.

Where I have an issue understanding him is he either does it quietly on the side and if his wife finds out suffer the consequences, if she doesn't then its just him and his conscience.
But as a previous poster said, its as if he is rubbing her face in it.

Or he/they separate and he can go looking for greener grass.

It seems he has 'fillet steak' at home yet he wants to go out for a burger!

I think if I were his wife I would say 'I'm sorry if I am not good enough for you...I've tried. maybe we should go our separate ways'.


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear AnomymousWife

I can only recount my experiences and you can judge from that. When I met my first wife, I was a virgin, she already had two children so that speaks for itself. Our sex life over nearly twenty years was only interesting some times, she never once made the first move. When she had an affair and we divorced, I was determined that I would have my "fair" share, indeed the time between my marriages was the most interesting time of my life sexually and probably spoilt me for later life. When I married for a second time my wife who had proclaimed to be a BJ Queen, turned into a dried up river bed of sex. I think now this is due to depression and being childless, I sex stopped once she discovered that she was infertile due to the menopause. I hope these murmurings help you.


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

How to blow up your marriage in one night 

Hard line this draw him a map how this can happen it starts with devorce 

I agree with Ele he has someone picked out and may all ready be in a ea and working an a pa 

I dont get it high drive wife at home and wont touch it that and making you think you are the issue a$$clown deluxe


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately your husband is displaying the red flags of already having started an affair.

The lack of sex, and claimed dissatisfaction are huge red flag indicators.

Its time he got a dose of reality. I strongly suggest you do a 180on him.

Indeed go 007 and buy yourself a VAR and plant it underneath his car seat.

Either way his behavour is not good and unless you show him that he is at very real risk of ending up divorced and all the consquences that go with it nothing will ever change.

And above all if you do suspect him of cheating do not let on to him. 

Just discreetly investigate


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife,

Here is another thread that you might find interesting. In this thread is it wife who had no previous sexual experience and is now thinking of wanting sex outside her marriage.

Her husband gets input that I think you might want to contemplate. The circumstance is no different from what your husband is proposing.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/256866-sex-novelty-love-not-combined.html


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> Sorry to completely disagree with many posters here, but as someone who was a virgin when I met my wife 33 years ago, I might have some insight (then again maybe not )
> 
> Men go through mid-life crises. It is normal. It is the point where we realize we will NEVER have what we thought we wanted. Where we will NEVER be able to be who we wanted to be.
> 
> ...


a different perspective. while i don't agree with, but might have some valid points worth considering.
sorry though, i don't buy the whole 'men have to spread their seed' thing.

OP when you said "But we still managed to stay as active as possible" how often was that? did you deny him often?

while nothing in my opinion excuses his manboy behavior, it might be illuminating if he had any excuses in his mind.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> Sorry to completely disagree with many posters here, but as someone who was a virgin when I met my wife 33 years ago, I might have some insight (then again maybe not )
> 
> Men go through mid-life crises. It is normal. It is the point where we realize we will NEVER have what we thought we wanted. Where we will NEVER be able to be who we wanted to be.
> 
> ...


This. Unless a person has been married and in this specific situation, they have no basis from which to judge your husband or speculate what is going on in his mind. Am I saying he is cheating, no. Am I saying he is not, no. But, it is more than cut and dried 'oh, he is cheating/wanting to cheat/has someone lined up to cheat with'. And, keep in mind, that last opinion about the cheating (and it is an opinion) comes from someone that has been cheated on and has a very low opinion of cheaters (lower than 6ft under low).


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> Sorry to completely disagree with many posters here, but as someone who was a virgin when I met my wife 33 years ago, I might have some insight (then again maybe not )
> 
> Men go through mid-life crises. It is normal. It is the point where we realize we will NEVER have what we thought we wanted. Where we will NEVER be able to be who we wanted to be.
> 
> ...


I know you probably didn't mean to make a case for "boys will be boys" but that's exactly what you did.

1. Mid life crises hit women as well as men in the exact ways you describe. The limitation imposed by life or familial expectations become a burden and those in a mid life crisis want to break free and "run a little wild."

2. Some other poster mentioned "a man wanting to spread his seed." Okay, if we are to take that as mitigating factors for being an ass, why does the bitter brotherhood and red pill wing nuts decry a woman's faithfulness by ascribing the biological imperative that we find a mate who can build a good nest while we look for a mate who can produce the strongest off spring? In other words, neither men nor women are biologically programmed for faithfulness? Perhaps, but let's not make excuses for this husband based on the fact that he is a man.

3. Where the hell did she say she turned him down frequently enough to emasculate him? In fact, she says she has a higher drive and he has a lower drive. Once again, making excuses for this husband because he is a man. 

4. MarriedGuy221, we have something in common. We both went through a mid life crisis and we both found a way to be honest with our spouses and ask for what we wanted and needed. I would think you'd be less apologetic on this husbands behalf knowing that a midlife crises can be safely navigated with honesty. But instead you blamed the wife for not creating a safe environment so her pvssy of a husband can be man enough to speak up. PUULLEEEEZE!


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I had quite limited sexual experience before I got married, and I do sometimes wonder what it would be like with someone else. The thing is I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS MENTION IT TO MY WIFE. Same way she doesn't mention whatever fantasies she has about that hot waiter at a nearby Italian restaurant. Normally these sorts of things are just fantasies.

I'm well aware that I wouldn't *really* want sex with another woman. My fantasy is of some imaginary woman who wants EXACTLY what I want in bed - and such a person can't possibly exist. I know that there is no reality to go with the fantasy.

Even these thoughts go away when our sex life is good at home. That is what is so strange with the OP. Her husband is NOT being starved for sex - she is higher drive. He isn't feeling neglected. 

OP: Is there any sign that there is something specific sexual that he wants and isn't getting? Does he ask for or hint at things you don't want to to do and maybe he fantasizes that someone else will?

In any case he is being utterly unreasonable and completely obnoxious is asking to have sex with someone else.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I had quite limited sexual experience before I got married, and I do sometimes wonder what it would be like with someone else. The thing is I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS MENTION IT TO MY WIFE. Same way she doesn't mention whatever fantasies she has about that hot waiter at a nearby Italian restaurant. Normally these sorts of things are just fantasies.
> 
> I'm well aware that I wouldn't *really* want sex with another woman. My fantasy is of some imaginary woman who wants EXACTLY what I want in bed - and such a person can't possibly exist. I know that there is no reality to go with the fantasy.
> ...


In that same vein.....are there things you used to do with others that you don't do with him? Especially things he has asked for, but even things he hasn't asked for.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

altawa said:


> In that same vein.....are there things you used to do with others that you don't do with him? Especially things he has asked for, but even things he hasn't asked for.




What? Are you serious?

And now it's her fault her H wants to fvck around because there MIGHT be a sex act he wants, but hasn't asked for, that she might have done with a previous lover?

:rofl:

And the idiosy just multiplies!!!!!


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> What? Are you serious?
> 
> And now it's her fault her H wants to fvck around because there MIGHT be a sex act he wants, but hasn't asked for, that she might have done with a previous lover?
> 
> ...


Yeah, I'm serious.

But, please, tell me all about the time you were a virgin and married someone who wasn't. Don't worry, I'll wait.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

AnonymousWife said:


> Just recently he told me he has a desire to be with someone else.
> 
> He won't explain anything to me as to why he's feeling like this. When I bring it up, he shuts me down.
> 
> ...


I don't understand why he brought this up if he doesn't actually want to talk about it. What was the purpose of telling you?

Maybe it's time for marriage counseling, since he's afraid he's going to cheat on you any minute now. 

Personally, I'd also speak to a divorce lawyer to make sure I understood my rights and responsibilities, because your H pretty much told you he's going to cheat if he gets an opportunity.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

AnonymousWife said:


> No, he hasn't. Before children we had a pretty amazing sex life. During my pregnancies and the first few years of raising our kids, my sex drive was on the lower side. But we still managed to stay as active as possible. This has been a major problem the last 3 years. When we talk about it, he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. He thinks I'm overreacting and tells me to use my toys to satisfy my need for sex. UGH! That's not why I bought them! I'm so frustrated by his lack of communication.


I really wish you would be more forthcoming and more available to answer questions. You're asking for help but aren't providing enough details to provide that help. It's hard to get a handle on what is happening without more details.

You've got 4 kids, been married for 14 years.
You were not a virgin but he was.
You have a higher sex drive and would like sex...how often?
You say he can go months without sex.

You H wants to have sex with someone else.
Your H doesn't want to explain other than he has never had sex with anyone but you, while you have experienced sex with other men.
You say you ask him to explain but he doesn't.
Your OP was about seeking insight into what might be going through his mind.

So far the replies suggest:
1. He currently is having an affair.
2. He plans to have an affair.
3. He wants to have an affair.
4. He is going through a mid life crisis and you should up your sexiness and be more slvtty with him. (A response I find absurd considering you've been trying to get him to have more sex with you and he isn't interested. But I guess some people skim too much)
5. He is upset that you have done sex acts with other men that you haven't done with him. (And I guess meeting some fvck buddy would make those sex acts attainable?)
6. Back when your sex drive took a dive, you emasculated him and now he needs to have sex with another woman to feel like a man again, even though he could go for months without sex.
7. He wants to spread his semen to as many women as he can, even though he already has 4 kids. 

So here you have your insights so far. He is or is planning to be unfaithful and is blame shifting his infidelity to the fact that you have more outside experience than him. Or it is somehow your fault your H wants sex with another woman.

No closer to true insight than when you started this thread.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

altawa said:


> Yeah, I'm serious.
> 
> But, please, tell me all about the time you were a virgin and married someone who wasn't. Don't worry, I'll wait.


How about YOU explain why a man who can go months without sex, with a wife who wants sex more often than he does, can't ask his wife for whatever it is he might want from her?


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> How about YOU explain why a man who can go months without sex, with a wife who wants sex more often than he does, can't ask his wife for whatever it is he might want from her?


You are ASSuming he hasn't asked. How many times have we seen on here that women have taken sex acts off the table once married? Plenty. "It's a womans choice" is the phrase of choice I believe. Beyond that, the experience of somebody different is something that she cannot provide, ever. So, in that case, this is regret.

Still waiting for you to tell me about that time you got married as a virgin to someone that wasn't though.....still waiting.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Just wanted to be clear that I was asking about sexual issues, not in a sense of blaming her, but trying to understand HIS thinking. I was wondering if "wanting someone else" was actually his way of saying he wanted SOMETHING else. Maybe he has some fetish that he is to embarrassed to admit? Hard to believe, but so is deciding to tell your wife that you want to sleep with someone else. :scratchhead:









altawa said:


> In that same vein.....are there things you used to do with others that you don't do with him? Especially things he has asked for, but even things he hasn't asked for.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think it's a ready made excuse for his LD.

Because then he doesn't have to work on it, because it's not about him at all. It's that he needs a new partner.

Read "Mating in Captivity."


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

altawa said:


> You are ASSuming he hasn't asked. How many times have we seen on here that women have taken sex acts off the table once married? Plenty. "It's a womans choice" is the phrase of choice I believe. Beyond that, the experience of somebody different is something that she cannot provide, ever. So, in that case, this is regret.
> 
> Still waiting for you to tell me about that time you got married as a virgin to someone that wasn't though.....still waiting.


And you are ASSuming he has. An assumption I find absurd considering the OP has stated that she has tried to talk to him about it but he won't talk, not to mention the fact she has a higher sex drive, not to mention the fact that her mention of her toys kinda demonstrates she is no repressed prude of a wife and probably open to experiment.

Don't turn this thread into your own projected bitterness. Being a virgin or not has nothing to do with a sense of entitlement. No husband is entitled and no wife is expected to repeat a sexual encounter she finds uncomfortable, unsatisfactory, or unsafe.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> I think it's a ready made excuse for his LD.
> 
> Because then he doesn't have to work on it, because it's not about him at all. It's that he needs a new partner.
> 
> Read "Mating in Captivity."


Interesting thought. Although it's twisted logic I think I can see where you're going. 

With a pretend new partner, the newness itself would supposedly create a higher drive than he has been exhibiting.

Wanting a new partner would silently put the blame on her for not being exciting enough. Thus he is off the hook for not wanting sex with her.

Holy cow, OP if this rings true to you your best bet is to divorce because your husband is taking passive aggressiveness to a whole new low and this won't ever ever ever get better.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I had quite limited sexual experience before I got married, and I do sometimes wonder what it would be like with someone else. The thing is I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS MENTION IT TO MY WIFE. Same way she doesn't mention *whatever fantasies she has about that hot waiter at a nearby Italian restaurant*. Normally these sorts of things are just fantasies.
> that's hilarious dude!
> I'm well aware that I wouldn't *really* want sex with another woman. My fantasy is of some imaginary woman who wants EXACTLY what I want in bed - and such a person can't possibly exist. I know that there is no reality to go with the fantasy.
> ...


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

AnonymousWife said:


> I don't know if this is the right thread to post in. But here's my issue.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have 4 children. Just recently he told me he has a desire to be with someone else. I've been with previous lovers but he's only been with me. *He tells me I don't know what it's like to have only been with one person and there's no way that I can understand what he's feeling. manboy* * He won't explain anything to me as to why he's feeling like this. When I bring it up, he shuts me down.* she has tried to talk to him, he doesn't engage (manboy) We don't have a very active sex life. *It's not because I don't want to. I have a very high sex drive and his is much lower. It doesn't bother him to go months without sex. I can't stand it anymore. As few weeks ago, I bought new toys to spruce things up and NOTHING! :banghead:* ok, as i re-read it's clearer that he's the denier, not her i.e. he has NO excuse as far as I'm concerned
> 
> I'm now thinking this is more than just a desire to have sex with someone else. It's more than just a curiosity. As you can imagine, I have so many negative emotions going on in my head. I don't feel loved, wanted, desirable, or attractive at all. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore, like I'm the problem. He tells me he loves me and still wants to be with me. But this desire has become increasingly worse. *He's afraid he might act on it if given the opportunity*. yes he might if not already Any thoughts one to why he's feeling this way? yes, he needs to grow up. *He refuses to talk to me about this*. (passive aggressive manboy tantrum)I *don't know what to do anymore.*


i'm not a very good adviser, but others are giving good advice


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Sorry. I'm not buying the midlife crisis spread the seed stuff as a universal man-truth.

One woman my whole life, 20 years together---still want her.

OP--your husband is a louse.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> And you are ASSuming he has. An assumption I find absurd considering the OP has stated that she has tried to talk to him about it but he won't talk, not to mention the fact she has a higher sex drive, not to mention the fact that her mention of her toys kinda demonstrates she is no repressed prude of a wife and probably open to experiment.
> 
> Don't turn this thread into your own projected bitterness. Being a virgin or not has nothing to do with a sense of entitlement. No husband is entitled and no wife is expected to repeat a sexual encounter she finds uncomfortable, unsatisfactory, or unsafe.


I didn't assume anything, that is why I specifically asked. You know, the exact opposite of assuming. But you keep on keeping on with your ignorance of basic functions of grammar.

You know what I find absurd....you coming in here with zero experience in this situation and deeming your mindset to be the correct one when people that DO have experience in this situation are asking pertinent questions and giving advice and not saying anything committed either way on it yet, because the questions havent been answered yet. Yet, you attack the ones with experience because it runs counter to *your* non experience. Ironic huh.

As far as this thread being turned into my projected anything, I think you need to look in a mirror, as you are the one being bitter to anybody about anything. She asked for insight, and the only people in a position to offer anything (real) are those that have been in her husbands position. Guess what, that ain't you. You have no idea what you are talking about on this matter, and you need to accept that you are not an end all be all expert on everything, as much as you like to think you are.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I had to guess, he isn't interested in having sex with somebody else. He's interested in having sex with a specific individual he's already identified. If you have a straight male for a husband, you may as well assume he stays interested in having sex with other women. Doesn't mean he intends to act on those feelings. This guy apparently is more than just normally tempted. Temptation is common to every guy.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> Sorry. I'm not buying the midlife crisis spread the seed stuff as a universal man-truth.
> 
> One woman my whole life, 20 years together---still want her.
> 
> OP--your husband is a louse.





altawa said:


> I didn't assume anything, that is why I specifically asked. You know, the exact opposite of assuming. But you keep on keeping on with your ignorance of basic functions of grammar.
> 
> You know what I find absurd....you coming in here with zero experience in this situation and deeming your mindset to be the correct one when people that DO have experience in this situation are asking pertinent questions and giving advice and not saying anything committed either way on it yet, because the questions havent been answered yet. Yet, you attack the ones with experience because it runs counter to *your* non experience. Ironic huh.
> 
> As far as this thread being turned into my projected anything, I think you need to look in a mirror, as you are the one being bitter to anybody about anything. She asked for insight, and the only people in a position to offer anything (real) are those that have been in her husbands position. Guess what, that ain't you. You have no idea what you are talking about on this matter, and you need to accept that you are not an end all be all expert on everything, as much as you like to think you are.


Altawa, I think you're defending the indefensible. To paraphrase Fozzy, it was a d*ck move by someone who, in all likelihood, is a d*ck.


----------



## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

Hope this helps. 
That amazing sex life that you used to have. 
Do you know it was amazing for him?
My wife and I did the same thing over and over until about 10 years into our marriage.
At some point it was a little boring. We got beyond that, but during that time we both contemplated what it would be like with someone else. Thank God we never found out.
What worked for us may not work for you guys.
I think the other posters had some good ideas.
Ask EACH OTHER what you would like to try.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

altawa said:


> I didn't assume anything, that is why I specifically asked. You know, the exact opposite of assuming. But you keep on keeping on with your ignorance of basic functions of grammar.
> 
> You know what I find absurd....you coming in here with zero experience in this situation and deeming your mindset to be the correct one when people that DO have experience in this situation are asking pertinent questions and giving advice and not saying anything committed either way on it yet, because the questions havent been answered yet. Yet, you attack the ones with experience because it runs counter to *your* non experience. Ironic huh.
> 
> As far as this thread being turned into my projected anything, I think you need to look in a mirror, as you are the one being bitter to anybody about anything. She asked for insight, and the only people in a position to offer anything (real) are those that have been in her husbands position. Guess what, that ain't you. You have no idea what you are talking about on this matter, and you need to accept that you are not an end all be all expert on everything, as much as you like to think you are.


Ignoring your attempted insult with regard to my command of basic grammar....

You suggest that because you were a virgin and your wife was not means that your issues of insecurity give you greater insight into what this husband might be feeling? 

You further suggest that your sense of entitlement, due to your virginity and your wife's relative experience, is a valid insight for the OP to ponder, even though her husband can go months without sex and she would like sex more often?

And lastly you suggest that you are not the one projecting but I am, and my lack of experience of being married to a virgin means that I have no business replaying to this thread?

Interesting that you come back at me with your defensiveness excuse "those without direct experience of being married to a virgin should not reply" yes not apply this edict to anyone else.

I feel sorry for you Altawa. There is good help out there. It sucks to go through life being bitter and feeling rejected.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Logic isn't all that twisted. 

Just a fragile male ego.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE said:


> Hope this helps.
> That amazing sex life that you used to have.
> Do you know it was amazing for him?
> My wife and I did the same thing over and over until about 10 years into our marriage.
> ...


you have a valid point, and it's quite possible in his mind that marital sex has become boring. but she bought toys for heavens sake to spice up THEIR marital bed. she's trying to talk and he won't.

i'd like to give the guy a break, but i'm sorry, i see she's doing everything she can and he's throwing a royal manboy trantrum.

very maybe i'm wrong (without more information?), but that's the way i see it.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

AnonymousWife said:


> I don't know if this is the right thread to post in. But here's my issue.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have 4 children. Just recently he told me he has a desire to be with someone else. I've been with previous lovers but he's only been with me. He tells me I don't know what it's like to have only been with one person and there's no way that I can understand what he's feeling. He won't explain anything to me as to why he's feeling like this. When I bring it up, he shuts me down. We don't have a very active sex life. It's not because I don't want to. I have a very high sex drive and his is much lower. It doesn't bother him to go months without sex. I can't stand it anymore. As few weeks ago, I bought new toys to spruce things up and NOTHING! :banghead:
> 
> I'm now thinking this is more than just a desire to have sex with someone else. It's more than just a curiosity. As you can imagine, I have so many negative emotions going on in my head. I don't feel loved, wanted, desirable, or attractive at all. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore, like I'm the problem. He tells me he loves me and still wants to be with me. But this desire has become increasingly worse. He's afraid he might act on it if given the opportunity. Any thoughts one to why he's feeling this way? He refuses to talk to me about this. I don't know what to do anymore.


I recommend discussing D with your H. The reasoning is he can do all of this he wants as long as he is not your H any longer. 

If he wanted to have other experiences then he should have not made a committed marriage until then. This was his decision. If he refuses to talk to about it then perhaps he will talk with his lawyer after being served.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

OP - there may be something about you or your sex life that your H has decided he doesn't like, but if he's unwilling to talk about it, you can't know and there's not much you can do. 

Your marriage is in crisis. I think at the very least you need to say explicitly to him what the consequences are if he sleeps with someone else.


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I've had my 2x4's taken away by a mod. My avatar is a rainbow of foam bats. I'm allowed to use them instead.


:lol:

I totally thought your avatar was a cartoony version of Hitachi magic wands all lined up. 

:rofl:










Wow, mind blown.

Ps. Sometimes I forget how dirty my mind is.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :lol:
> 
> I totally thought your avatar was a cartoony version of Hitachi magic wands all lined up.
> 
> ...



OMG!!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm not even kidding.  

But I guess I can see the bats now. Sort of.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Men chose to make their marriage sexless or near sexless as often as women do. It is pretty common. For both men and women the most common under lying reason is anger and resentment. 

Op is trying to spice up their sex life. She bought some toys. His response was for her to use them on herself. Translation. .. go fvck yourself. 

He refuses to talk about things. Without talk they cannot fix anything. He is communicating his anger and I resentment just fine.... no sex to hutt her and trlling her quite clearly to go fvck herself. Then he ices the cakeI by telling her he wants sex with other women. 

This is a passive aggressive guy who is using whatever excuse he can drum up to hurt his wife snd justify his desire to step out of the marriage. 

If he was interested in fixing the marriage he would talk to his wife and fix it.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Men chose to make their marriage sexless or near sexless as often as women do. It is pretty common. For both men and women the most common under lying reason is anger and resentment.
> 
> Op is trying to spice up their sex life. She bought some toys. His response was for her to use them on herself. Translation. .. go fvck yourself.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Thus my post of serving up D papers. How long does the H think this can go on plus eat the icing as well.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

CuriousWife wins the internet today.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I love it. He was completely cool with having zero experiences before marriage. Now... I call BS on the midlife crisis. If I may venture a guess, he lost his attraction to her after she started having kids. Before kids, he was probably viewing his wife as a lover. Now he sees her more as a mother and has been slowly losing his attraction to her. That's my guess.


----------



## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

LD people do not tell their spouses that they want to sleep with other people. If he were truly LD he wouldn't care about sleeping with other people.

For some reason he is not attracted to you and does not want to sleep with you. It is likely that he will not tell you this and that is why he will not answer questions and shuts down. He doesn't have the nerve to tell you he is not sexually attracted to you.

You need to find out why!

I would start the conversation with "it has become obvious that I no longer sexually excite you and I need to know if WE can change that"


----------



## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :lol:
> 
> I totally thought your avatar was a cartoony version of Hitachi magic wands all lined up.
> 
> ...


Gee CuriousWife how many of those do you own! lol


----------



## MarriedGuy221 (Mar 16, 2015)

Anon pink - wow - just wow. You completely misinterpret other people's posts and just argue, argue, argue. 

Hey how about coming up with your own advice??? Hmmm.

I don't know where you get off completely misrepresenting my post.

Who was making excuses for anyone? WTF? How about offering insight into how some men think! Describing thought processes has nothing to do with making excuses.

And you are wrong wrong wrong about emasculating men. She didn't deny him "enough" to emasculate him??? WTF are you talking about?

He could have these feelings from a SINGLE incident! Couple that with lingering thoughts about her having sex with other guys... Who knows how that played on his mind??? Could be every night they weren't having sex because she was tired he was playing in his that she would have with the other guys... Or she would have when she was young...

All we know is 1- he talked about her prior sex life that he never had so is jealous, hurt, resentful or some "emotion" that is clearly eating him up and 2 - he TOLD her height cheat. I think this guy is crying for help.

None of this is an excuse for anything. I am not evaluating his behavior (only yours).

If you believe he feels something else please present your theories.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Always Learning said:


> LD people do not tell their spouses that they want to sleep with other people. If he were truly LD he wouldn't care about sleeping with other people.
> 
> For some reason he is not attracted to you and does not want to sleep with you. It is likely that he will not tell you this and that is why he will not answer questions and shuts down. He doesn't have the nerve to tell you he is not sexually attracted to you.
> 
> ...


It can be if they externalize or rationalize the reason that they're LD away from themselves.

You see this kind of behaviour every day. It can't be my fault, it must be someone else's! The fact that I suck at my job is because of my boss, I better get a new job. The fact that I lost my savings is the bankers fault, I'm not going to bother saving any more. The fact that I get speeding tickets is the cops fault, I'm not going to bother going the speed limit. The fact that I'm not horny any more is my wife's fault, I'm not going to bother to try to understand why...


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Sorry. I'm not buying the midlife crisis spread the seed stuff as a universal man-truth.
> 
> One woman my whole life, 20 years together---still want her.
> 
> OP--your husband is a louse.


Same here. Do I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, of course. Then again, most people will probably wonder what it would be like to be with someone else regardless of how many partners they have had. It is nothing more than an excuse or cop out on his part. The problem is, in his mind he is using it as a justification, as if somehow he has been robbed of life experiences. And most likely he is saying this b/c he already has the "lucky #2" lined up (or already serviced...)


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OP's husband had spoken up. Good. He then cut short the discussion. Bad.

OP maybe you should get your hair done differently and whisper dirty nonsense about other women in his ear.

MC in any case.


----------



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Dear AnonymousWife,

Firstly, You said "be with someone else" and then "sleep with someone else" in a different instance. Which is it? 

I don't know what some of these people are saying but...IMO, sex does get boring with the same person (especially HD people). A constant, active effort must be made every single day to keep the kettle warm. Maybe he is actually HD, doing it with someone else and not even telling you. I've seen this before too many times sadly.

It's basic biology and to some extent its normal (spreading the oats and whatnot). Why wouldn't it? You can mix it up a million times but it's still with the same person... I like to think that monogamy is for some people but not everyone and that also...people change. Hate to break it to you, but the fact that he told you means his temptations are probably getting harder to resist or that he is getting more and more comfortable with the idea. It's good though, that he said that. Who knows how long he has truly felt that way. 

So many people blame others and get so mad and sad when a people have this sort of behavior. I think it's human. People get horny and fantasize! What do you expect when a guy is pretty much trapped with the same lady for even 5+ years? Plus look at the bull**** in the media that surrounds us, constantly pulling our devil chords. Nevermind what is going on his head, what is his body saying? It's not about love and it's not about a "release" like many others think. I for one can get it up for any woman. Pretty or not. Love or no love. It's all about attitude for me. I'm not trying to pin this all on you. I don't think it even has anything to do with you is what I am trying to say. I just think that there is lots to be discussed with your partner in an open and safe environment. 

Here is a question for you. When you go out in public together, do you get mad at him if he talks or flirts with other women in front of you? Do you restrain him? Do you guys act like the typical boring family when you are out? Do you think he feels embarrassed? What are his dreams? Is he succeeding in life? Men tend to want things they can't get. When a man wants something and he is stubborn...sooner or later the balloon will pop. 

I learned a lot of things from my failed marriage. I am young and I may sound arrogant, but I have good reasons. 

Please keep the hope and love up. My advice is to give him a hallway pass, or go seek councelling ASAP.

I suggest both of you get incredibly drunk or hi together when the kids are away. Unless you guys get angry when intoxicated, sometimes to have influences helps bring down the walls of shiit.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think there are two completely different things:

1) understanding why he wants this. It may well be true that someone in the same situation might understand those feelings. The feelings may be real and strong. If they are causing him problems, therapy may be a reasonable solution - as with any idea that becomes compulsive. 

2). Acting on those feelings. That to me is a whole different thing. There are lots of things people want but never get and know not to ask for.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> Anon pink - wow - just wow. You completely misinterpret other people's posts and just argue, argue, argue.
> 
> Hey how about coming up with your own advice??? Hmmm.
> 
> ...



So are you backing away from your post in which you pretty much say boys will be boys?

In other words would you be making this same kind of post if a man posted his wife regrets not havin experienced other men prior to marriage and wanted to go out and get some? The same wife who has little to no sex drive with the husband, yet wants to get some strange?

If I see people making posts that are double standards I will call them out on it. I know no one likes to be called out so I will try to be more gentle so as not to hurt any feelings.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

pragmaster said:


> My advice is to give him a hallway pass


If that means what I think it means, that's some seriously crappy advice.

I'm going to dare to cross gender lines and say that Anon Pink is absolutely right. If this was a man coming here telling us that his wife, a virgin before they married, wanted to go out and taste a little strange, some of the replies here would be far different.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

It might be a little different if after he told you this; he asked you to work together with him to help him through this.

But he didn't.

So, I have to agree with everyone else. He's setting you up to assuage his conscience for when he acts on this. There's no such thing as an honest thief - or an honest cheater.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There are gender double standards and it's important to identify them and discuss them.

Some couple swing to gain variety, but the swingers FAQ that I read said swinging is bad for most couples and is outright destructive when couples have issues and then jettison monogamy.

It's sad that OP is not getting enough sex.


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

AnonymousWife,

Based on your information, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you but definitely plenty of wrong with him.

Listen, your husband had plenty of opportunities to play the field when he was single, way before he met you and proposed marriage. So don't buy into his bull$hit and juvenile argument of "It's not fair. You had your fun with other men, while I didn't have fun with other women". Besides, quantity does not make you sexually happier or fulfilled - I know, I had quantity - but quality.

As I said in another thread, this kind of talk is often indicative that there is an affair already started in the form of an EA (emotional affair) and there is a desire to turn it into a PA (physical affair). So start investigating his phone and e-mail for signs of a hidden relationship with another woman.

You must stand firm that the only way you are going to go with the idea of him sleeping with other women is after you file for divorce.



EleGirl said:


> *Very often when a man's interest in sex with his wife falls off it's because there is another woman in his life*


While I agree with everything in your post, I must take issue with this comment because just like with women, men can loose sexual desire if they are suffering from depression, low testosterone levels, deep seated resentment, job stress, etc. Oh and let us not forget that plenty of husbands loose their desire for their wives when their wives have had extra-marital sex with other men - I certainly did with my XWW.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

AnonymousWife said:


> I don't know if this is the right thread to post in. But here's my issue.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have 4 children. Just recently he told me he has a desire to be with someone else. I've been with previous lovers but he's only been with me. He tells me I don't know what it's like to have only been with one person and there's no way that I can understand what he's feeling. He won't explain anything to me as to why he's feeling like this. When I bring it up, he shuts me down. We don't have a very active sex life. It's not because I don't want to. I have a very high sex drive and his is much lower. It doesn't bother him to go months without sex. I can't stand it anymore. As few weeks ago, I bought new toys to spruce things up and NOTHING! :banghead:
> 
> I'm now thinking this is more than just a desire to have sex with someone else. It's more than just a curiosity. As you can imagine, I have so many negative emotions going on in my head. I don't feel loved, wanted, desirable, or attractive at all. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore, like I'm the problem. He tells me he loves me and still wants to be with me. But this desire has become increasingly worse. He's afraid he might act on it if given the opportunity. Any thoughts one to why he's feeling this way? He refuses to talk to me about this. I don't know what to do anymore.



You've been married for 14 years and have four beautiful children.

Suddenly, seems like out of no where, your hubby wants to experiment and have another woman???

Ummmm, that tells me, he probably is already seeing this OW, at least an emotional affair. If you agree to this, they will sleep together. 

You both got married and to each other. Marriage is not just a piece of paper. Marriage is much more than that. Wedding vows, between the two of you alone. Not lets have another woman or man to spice it up?! Then why get married in the first place? Why not just date and have an open dating relationship? And think about the kids. How would they see this if mom let dad sleep with another woman???

Stuff to think about.....

And who's to say he isn't already having this PA? Just now bringing it up, trying to get you to agree with him? And then he'll say great but was doing it all along.....

In my books, this is a scum bag. 2x4 to the back of the head sounds about right. Not cool.


----------



## MarriedToTheOne (Apr 22, 2015)

AnonymousWife said:


> I don't know if this is the right thread to post in. But here's my issue.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have 4 children. Just recently he told me he has a desire to be with someone else. I've been with previous lovers but he's only been with me. He tells me I don't know what it's like to have only been with one person and there's no way that I can understand what he's feeling. He won't explain anything to me as to why he's feeling like this. When I bring it up, he shuts me down. We don't have a very active sex life. It's not because I don't want to. I have a very high sex drive and his is much lower. It doesn't bother him to go months without sex. I can't stand it anymore. As few weeks ago, I bought new toys to spruce things up and NOTHING! :banghead:
> 
> I'm now thinking this is more than just a desire to have sex with someone else. It's more than just a curiosity. As you can imagine, I have so many negative emotions going on in my head. I don't feel loved, wanted, desirable, or attractive at all. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore, like I'm the problem. He tells me he loves me and still wants to be with me. But this desire has become increasingly worse. He's afraid he might act on it if given the opportunity. Any thoughts one to why he's feeling this way? He refuses to talk to me about this. I don't know what to do anymore.




IMO, a line has been crossed here. Frankly I find his conduct here pretty shocking.

I think that you need to lay down the law. Wedding vows don't mention anything like "or until I get curious"!!! 

I would also, as others have mentioned, that something is already going on or planning is in the works - and would start doing some looking around to find out if that is the case....

It sounds almost like he is "looking for Mommy's permission" first!


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> I've had my 2x4's taken away by a mod. My avatar is a rainbow of foam bats. I'm allowed to use them instead.


You could always fill them with lead. They would never know what hit them. 




TheCuriousWife said:


> :lol:
> 
> I totally thought your avatar was a cartoony version of Hitachi magic wands all lined up.
> 
> ...



You don't know how happy I am that you said this, because that's what I thought her avatar was as well. I just didn't have the guts to say it. :smthumbup:


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Ignoring your attempted insult with regard to my command of basic grammar....


Insult, no. Statement of fact. If the facts are insulting to you, that's your problem.


Anon Pink said:


> You suggest that because you were a virgin and your wife was not means that your issues of insecurity give you greater insight into what this husband might be feeling?


Who said I was insecure about it? There you go ASSuming again. You seem to be good at that. Guess you need a 'Jump to Conclusions' mat for christmas this year. But, yes, my direct experience in this matter does give me a base to ask pertinent questions from to ascertain what is going on with him and help his wife get the insight she asked for. Also, you seem to think this place exists in a vacuum, and this is the only place this has ever been discussed. Do you think maybe, just possibly, this has come up before, and maybe, just possibly, these are some of the common themes for this particular problem? Oh...no, couldn't be, because it didn't come from your keyboard, huh.


Anon Pink said:


> You further suggest that your sense of entitlement, due to your virginity and your wife's relative experience, is a valid insight for the OP to ponder, even though her husband can go months without sex and she would like sex more often?


And here is a perfect example of a red herring, wherein nobody ever brought up a sense of entitlement to anything at all. One question was asked that had two parts. You can go back and read it again. YOU created some 'entitlement' in order to push some fight that you wanted to push. So, keep your red herring to yourself.


Anon Pink said:


> And lastly you suggest that you are not the one projecting but I am, and my lack of experience of being married to a virgin means that I have no business replaying to this thread?


Reply all you want, but your lack of experience is the equivalent of asking obama what good foreign policy is. People with no experience in an area simply cannot offer an educated opinion about a subject, bottom line. All the blustering 'he's cheating, leave him, he's a louse' blah blah blah. As I said in my first post, he might be cheating, he might not be. Nobody knows. But I think it is funny that the people that are actually asking the questions to try to figure out what IS going on in his head and WHY this is happening now are getting attacked (by you mostly), and those also happen to be the people with the experience and knowledge on the subject. Reeks of desperation and anger that you aren't an expert on everything like I said before.


Anon Pink said:


> Interesting that you come back at me with your defensiveness excuse "those without direct experience of being married to a virgin should not reply" yes not apply this edict to anyone else.


Nothing defensive about it, more facts. If you don't have any experience in a subject, you cannot speak intelligently on said subject. Keep on yacking, you still don't know what is going on in his head. And, think about this....maybe it is coming at you because you are the one in here going after people with opinions that don't agree with you.


Anon Pink said:


> I feel sorry for you Altawa. There is good help out there. It sucks to go through life being bitter and feeling rejected.


Don't feel anything for me. I don't know you and don't care to. I'm neither of the two, but I will note the personal attack here.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

GTdad said:


> Altawa, I think you're defending the indefensible. To paraphrase Fozzy, it was a d*ck move by someone who, in all likelihood, is a d*ck.


I am not defending anybody. The OP asked for insight and I asked a two part question and said that there is more to this than some cut and dried 'he is cheating' bvll****. I mean, god forbid we ask some questions to actually try to answer the OP's question instead of just bandwagonning and jumping on the 'he's cheating, divorce him' train. And, on top of that, I said it could be either way. If he is, he is scum and he needs to be divorced. If not, they need to work through it, and still might need to be divorced. But those ends still don't give the OP any INSIGHT as to WHY he is doing this right now. Also, just because fozzy does something, does that mean he is the model for the whole rest of the human race? People are different, just because he has been with his wife and only wants her, and has only ever wanted her doesnt mean everybody else is like that, and that doesn't make everybody else wrong or bad.


Plan 9 from OS said:


> I love it. He was completely cool with having zero experiences before marriage. Now... I call BS on the midlife crisis. If I may venture a guess, he lost his attraction to her after she started having kids. Before kids, he was probably viewing his wife as a lover. Now he sees her more as a mother and has been slowly losing his attraction to her. That's my guess.


You realize that people change, right? Maybe you are right, or maybe he is looking back and realizing that he never did the things that she did and realizes he never will be able to if he stays with her. Or, maybe something from her past has popped up that she doesn't know he knows about and it is bugging him. Is it a problem that he won't talk, yeah. But, we can't do anything about that here. All we can do is ask her some questions to try to help her out.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :lol:
> 
> I totally thought your avatar was a cartoony version of Hitachi magic wands all lined up.
> 
> ...


Sometimes, it's a really bad idea to read on this forum at work. Some things cannot be explained in the work environment... 

Just saying :rofl:


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

GTdad said:


> If that means what I think it means, that's some seriously crappy advice.
> 
> I'm going to dare to cross gender lines and say that Anon Pink is absolutely right. If this was a man coming here telling us that his wife, a virgin before they married, wanted to go out and taste a little strange, *some of the replies here would be far different.*


GT,

That's a bit of an understatement. I think more likely she would be crucified, drawn and quartered, and then the remains spat upon. The double standard in this thread is unreal. And H3LL no to the hallpass. He gets a pass after the divorce papers are signed.

Jorgegene had it right. He is being a petulant, passive-aggressive, manbaby. I personally think Jorgegene is giving him way to much credit.

OP, Anal is not for everyone. While some men and women like it. Some women swear they orgasm from it even though it doesn't sound possible. It takes time and patience and caring. And most importantly, COMMUNICATION! The way he sounds he does not display any of those traits at this time. Fact is, the only trait that is obvious is his selfishness.


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

altawa said:


> I am not defending anybody. The OP asked for insight and I asked a two part question and said that there is more to this than some cut and dried 'he is cheating' bvll****. I mean, god forbid we ask some questions to actually try to answer the OP's question instead of just bandwagonning and jumping on the 'he's cheating, divorce him' train. And, on top of that, I said it could be either way. If he is, he is scum and he needs to be divorced. If not, they need to work through it, and still might need to be divorced. But those ends still don't give the OP any INSIGHT as to WHY he is doing this right now. Also, just because fozzy does something, does that mean he is the model for the whole rest of the human race? People are different, just because he has been with his wife and only wants her, and has only ever wanted her doesnt mean everybody else is like that, and that doesn't make everybody else wrong or bad.
> 
> You realize that people change, right? Maybe you are right, or maybe he is looking back and realizing that he never did the things that she did and realizes he never will be able to if he stays with her. Or, maybe something from her past has popped up that she doesn't know he knows about and it is bugging him. Is it a problem that he won't talk, yeah. But, we can't do anything about that here. *All we can do is ask her some questions to try to help her out.*


As far as I'm concerned this bolded sentence right here was the only thing you said that I could conceivably agree with. You are playing devil's advocate. The first correct question to ask her was what her boundaries are. (aka- deal breakers). I'm pretty sure that's been done.

If he's having problems and issues then he should be talking to his spouse. So far, according to the OP, the silence is deafening. It's real simple. If you feel the need to have experiences that you think you missed, you man the h3ll up and say I want a divorce. This isn't working for me anymore. So on top of being a total douch3canoe , he has also been displaying a complete and DISTINCT lack of character and possibly integrity. I have also been probably been one of the people most critical of him. 

So, I will ad that I think the op should add the stipulation of MC, if he decides to shape up. I'm not attacking you. But I most ASSuredly question your statement. and I don't remember the poster that suggested that even one sexual rejection might cause him to feel emasculated, but if that's the case, then that shows a total lack of coping ability. If he is truly that fragile what would he do if the big bad world really decided to take a huge steaming sh1t in his lap?


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Muse1976 said:


> As far as I'm concerned this bolded sentence right here was the only thing you said that I could conceivably agree with. You are playing devil's advocate. *The first correct question to ask her was what her boundaries are. (aka- deal breakers).* I'm pretty sure that's been done.
> 
> If he's having problems and issues then he should be talking to his spouse. So far, according to the OP, the silence is deafening. It's real simple. If you feel the need to have experiences that you think you missed, you man the h3ll up and say I want a divorce. This isn't working for me anymore. So on top of being a total douch3canoe , he has also been displaying a complete and DISTINCT lack of character and possibly integrity. I have also been probably been one of the people most critical of him.
> 
> So, I will ad that I think the op should add the stipulation of MC, if he decides to shape up. I'm not attacking you. But I most ASSuredly question your statement. and I don't remember the poster that suggested that even one sexual rejection might cause him to feel emasculated, but if that's the case, then that shows a total lack of coping ability. If he is truly that fragile what would he do if the big bad world really decided to take a huge steaming sh1t in his lap?


She asked for insight....what is going on with him. Exactly what insight is she going to get from that question?

Yeah, thats what I thought. Believe it or not, some people actually want to work with their spouses, even when they are being difficult, instead of just being d!cks about things they don't understand (and from what I have seen, so far, only two people in this thread actually understand this, including the OP). And that is the key to the difference in the advice here....people who actually understand what is going on, and people who dont have a clue and are just throwing out sh!t to see what sticks.

But, hey...what do you care, it's not your marriage that you are trying to screw up.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Altawa, as I've already said, there is good help out there. I sincerely hope you find it.

AnonymousWife. You have been back to your thread but you haven't answered any questions, nor cleared up any confusion. I'm on your side dear but if you don't come back to shed more light on your sitch, I can only conclude that what has been written is sufficient. I wish you the best.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Altawa, as I've already said, there is good help out there. I sincerely hope you find it.
> 
> AnonymousWife. You have been back to your thread but you haven't answered any questions, nor cleared up any confusion. I'm on your side dear but if you don't come back to shed more light on your sitch, I can only conclude that what has been written is sufficient. I wish you the best.


And as I said, I don't need help. You on the other hand....


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Muse1976 said:


> You could always fill them with lead. They would never know what hit them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well dang, I'm going to have to change my avatar.


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

altawa said:


> She asked for insight....what is going on with him. *Exactly what insight is she going to get from that question?*
> 
> Yeah, thats what I thought. Believe it or not, some people actually want to work with their spouses, even when they are being difficult, instead of just being d!cks about things they don't understand (and from what I have seen, so far, only two people in this thread actually understand this, including the OP). And that is the key to the difference in the advice here....people who actually understand what is going on, and people who dont have a clue and are just throwing out sh!t to see what sticks.
> 
> But, hey...what do you care, it's not your marriage that you are trying to screw up.


What insight would she get from that question??? There are so many ways to answer that question and still come up with the same answer. Self preservation. The subject comes up in safety talks all the time. Don't go blazing in to save someone and put yourself in harms way and then need rescued yourself.

I appreciate the the aspect of your statement about understanding. Lord knows I should be very conscience of that considering it took me 10 years to figure out why my wife went full Mother Theresa. Yes, some people take a while to put all the pieces together.

I never suggested he was cheating, and my only comment concerning divorce was due to the fact of what happens if he did indeed cheat. My only suggestions concerned boundaries. I'm not going to say that any of the theories proposed were totally invalid. I think it's an immature and extremely harmful way of dealing with it though. I'm going to say that I think he lacks understanding of who he is and where he's going. But that doesn't give him the right to rub it in her face and treat her like garbage. Most humans have this weird ability to choose how to deal with frustrating situations. All to often, it's usually chosen to be dealt with in a damaging way. I still stand by the MC comment. It would at least offer the chance to discuss it in an safe environment. 

Yes, people yearn for that which was never obtained. I honestly don't think to many people don't. I'ts how a person deals with the yearnings that matters. How about dealing with them with some character and integrity. The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

*"But, hey...what do you care, it's not your marriage that you are trying to screw up."
*


I care for just that exact reason. It's that reason right there that I suggested firm boundaries and consequences. Because I have screwed up enough to have plenty of damage in my relationship, and probably enough to give the OP's relationship some, if they wanted it. It's a work in progress and probably always will be. Especially, if I want it to be worth anything. Thankfully we are pretty darned good now. Not great, but I'm striving.

The OP cared enough to come to a forum full of strangers and ask the following question. *"Any thoughts one to why he's feeling this way?"*

I care enough to give her my best advise. That's to set healthy boundaries. And the reason she's getting all the "cheating" is because it sounds just like it was freshly printed from the cheaters script. It's just sad though that that particular sh1t sticks way to often.


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Well dang, I'm going to have to change my avatar.


I'm sorry. lol. I never gave it a close inspection to see that they were foam bats. I just naturally assumed that being in a marriage and sex forum that they were magic wands. 

 damned gutter minds around here!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife,

You posted some pretty important bits of information in response to posters and then you deleted them.

I really think you should let people see what you wrote. For one thing it will shut down all the speculation about you 'emasculating' and other nonsense.


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> AnonymousWife,
> 
> You posted some pretty important bits of information in response to posters and then you deleted them.
> 
> I really think you should let people see what you wrote. For one thing it will shut down all the speculation about you 'emasculating' and other nonsense.


Yes , do please. The question not asked is the one that hurts you the most.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Muse1976 said:


> What insight would she get from that question??? There are so many ways to answer that question and still come up with the same answer. Self preservation. The subject comes up in safety talks all the time. Don't go blazing in to save someone and put yourself in harms way and then need rescued yourself.


And still tells her exactly nothing about why he feels the way he does. Her question:Any thoughts one to why he's feeling this way? The question you posed does nothing to answer that. The two part question I posed does work towards answering that. I am trying to ask questions that work towards directly answering the question she asked, not speculating about what she didnt ask and making up other things.


Muse1976 said:


> I appreciate the the aspect of your statement about understanding. Lord knows I should be very conscience of that considering it took me 10 years to figure out why my wife went full Mother Theresa. Yes, some people take a while to put all the pieces together.


The funny part is, the question that I asked isn't even that uncommon, and is a question that applies to at least a couple of sex in marriage problems. We have seen that very scenario come up on here multiple times in the few months that I have been here, yet people (some) act like that question is completely verboten and could have absolutely nothing to do with anything. And you know what, maybe it doesn't, but you don't know until you ask.


Muse1976 said:


> I never suggested he was cheating, and my only comment concerning divorce was due to the fact of what happens if he did indeed cheat. My only suggestions concerned boundaries. I'm not going to say that any of the theories proposed were totally invalid. I think it's an immature and extremely harmful way of dealing with it though. I'm going to say that I think he lacks understanding of who he is and where he's going. But that doesn't give him the right to rub it in her face and treat her like garbage. Most humans have this weird ability to choose how to deal with frustrating situations. All to often, it's usually chosen to be dealt with in a damaging way. I still stand by the MC comment. It would at least offer the chance to discuss it in an safe environment.


I don't disagree...if he is cheating, he is scum and needs to be divorced. I have already said this. I also already said that if he is not cheating they need to work through this, and ultimately, they might still need to be divorced. Nobody knows how this will end. But, those are ends, and we aren't there yet. We are still at the 'why is he feeling this way' part, and until she figures that out, it is very premature to jump to the 'ends' part, absent some sort of proof that he is cheating. You say he is rubbing her face in it, but I don't see that in her post. I see where he brought it up, then shut down talking about it. There was obviously a reason he felt like he could bring it up at one point then all of a sudden shut down and felt like he couldnt bring it up anymore.


Muse1976 said:


> Yes, people yearn for that which was never obtained. I honestly don't think to many people don't. I'ts how a person deals with the yearnings that matters. How about dealing with them with some character and integrity. The grass is always greener over the septic tank.


And this is a unique situation that, like I said, unless you have lived it, you cannot understand. That is why this isn't like just about any other situation you can think of. If the trigger for this is something from her past that cropped up that she doesn't realize he knows about or doesn't know is bugging him, it will get worse.


Muse1976 said:


> *"But, hey...what do you care, it's not your marriage that you are trying to screw up."
> *
> 
> 
> ...


Ok, so try answering her question then....why is HE feeling this way? Stop interjecting everything else and actually try answering the question she ACTUALLY asked instead of telling her answers to something that she didn't ask.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife said:


> Any thoughts one to why he's feeling this way? He refuses to talk to me about this. I don't know what to do anymore.


Why does he feel this way? 

Because he has done what a lot of people do. He does not communicate. He's let little things pile up and not be addressed.

When people hold onto anger and resentment instead of addressing the issues as they go along, it's because they are getting something out of the anger/resentment. It gives them power in the relationship.

Look at what is happening. You are 100% focused on him and trying to figure out what's going on with him. He's in control here. 

If you pulled away some. Stopped focusing on him. Started focusing on yourself he'd suddenly love the power/control that this anger/resentment is giving him. So he would have to change HIS behavior.

you cannot change him. You can only change yourself. But if you do change yourself he will have to change in response. You have no control over how he changes. But there is a good chance it will be for the better. It could not be much worse than it is.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

His attitude is affecting you, making you insecure. He is changing you as a person.

Really, he is trying to manipulate you into what he wants, and he will do so by playing mind games. He is emotionally withdrawing from you, making you chase him.

You love him, and that love drives you to want to keep that connection intact. As much as he is hurting you, you cannot help but allow him to, you are reacting from an emotional, love drive. It has stopped you from being rational, and keeping you from analyzing his actions, and how they affect you.

What he is doing is not loving. Love is also an action, and his actions show that your not nearly a priority for him.

Time to stop chasing him, if you want to love yourself more. Somewhere, over the years, he has lost respect for you, his attachment for you is no longer that of a partner. Your not in a loving romantic relationship, which I believe couples should be in.

Judging from what he wants, he still has a sex drive, but he has lost attraction for you, and he is trying to guilt you into letting him sleep with another woman. Guess what, we all have things that we never got to do. What happened to him prior is his own life. If he did not get to sleep around before he married you, it is him that chose not too, and now he is making it your issue as well. It is affecting you.

Don't expect him to be honest with you either.

He most likely is holding anger and resentment towards you for what he never experienced, and that the fact that he has lost interest in you. He is blaming you for his own shortcomings.

He wants to be angry and resentful towards you, after all, he wants a certain outcome to occur, and by doing this, he believes that he can achieve it. Anger gives him the strength to go after what he wants, and he sees you in the way of that goal. After all, he needs your compliance so he can live with himself.

If he gets his way, he will learn if he behaves in this manner, you will simply cower to him when ever he chooses to act like a petulant child.

I am sorry you are married to an immature person. He may be physically an adult, but his mind is that of an angry child.


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> His attitude is affecting you, making you insecure. He is changing you as a person.
> 
> *Really, he is trying to manipulate you into what he wants, and he will do so by playing mind games. He is emotionally withdrawing from you, making you chase him.*
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Mr Fisty does it again.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

AnonymousWife said:


> I don't know if this is the right thread to post in. But here's my issue.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and have 4 children. Just recently he told me he has a desire to be with someone else. I've been with previous lovers but he's only been with me. He tells me I don't know what it's like to have only been with one person and there's no way that I can understand what he's feeling. He won't explain anything to me as to why he's feeling like this. When I bring it up, he shuts me down. We don't have a very active sex life. It's not because I don't want to. I have a very high sex drive and his is much lower. It doesn't bother him to go months without sex.





AnonymousWife said:


> No, he hasn't. Before children we had a pretty amazing sex life. During my pregnancies and the first few years of raising our kids, my sex drive was on the lower side. But we still managed to stay as active as possible. This has been a major problem the last 3 years. When we talk about it, he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. He thinks I'm overreacting and tells me to use my toys to satisfy my need for sex. UGH! That's not why I bought them! I'm so frustrated by his lack of communication.


AnonymousWife, I was a virgin when I met my wife, she had several previous lovers. I can relate to your husband in several ways, but I think there is more going on than what is on the surface.

First, there have been times I've had the same thoughts of wondering what it would be like to have been with other women, and to have memories of other women, and to have perspective of being with different women. I agree with him that you (and my wife) cannot possibly understand this. It isn't that my wife isn't good in bed or that I don't love her. It is a more generic feeling that I am missing something which the vast majority of humans have experienced. 

There is also a feeling that my wife knows something I don't. That's hard to explain, but it in a way I feel at a disadvantage.

I would say your husband is feeling normal things in the circumstances. I also think his desire or curiousity to have sex with other women is normal and not a reflection on you.

However, I think there is more going on that just this. When my wife makes me feel like I am everything, these feelings are definitely suppressed. Not that they go away, but it doesn't matter to me. But when things are not going well with us the feelings come back more strongly.

Not having a catalog of previous lovers, I don't want to hear about her previous lovers. When she brings them up it is hurtful because there is all this other baggage around me not having them. While that is my baggage, and it is not a negative judgment of her, it is still hurtful to me. Especially if it is brought up by her in ways that trigger those prickly issues. You may be unintentionally and unknowningly triggering his hot spots. My advice is to avoid ever talking about your previous lovers, and to get rid of any visible items in the house which they gave to you.

But his lack of interest in sex tells me there is something bigger in the marriage causing problems. Could he be having some kind of medical issue? Low testosterone, a little ED, or PE? He could be avoiding sex out of embarrassment or frustration. He might be in an affair (though you've given absolutely no evidence to make me suspicious of it, so don't get paranoid). Maybe there are other trust issues in the marriage, or general discord between you.

I think the bad sex is the symptom not the cause, and thus I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. The problem isn't him being curious about sex with other women, the problem is a breakdown someplace in your marriage.


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

altawa said:


> This. Unless a person has been married and in this specific situation, they have no basis from which to judge your husband or speculate what is going on in his mind. Am I saying he is cheating, no. Am I saying he is not, no. But, it is more than cut and dried 'oh, he is cheating/wanting to cheat/has someone lined up to cheat with'. And, keep in mind, that last opinion about the cheating (and it is an opinion) comes from someone that has been cheated on and has a very low opinion of cheaters (lower than 6ft under low).


BULL$H!T!!!

The OP's husband expressed a desire to be with another woman, that is a clear message that he wants to cheat. If your wife had expressed this desire to be with another man, prior to her infidelity, would you have been so understanding?

Lastly, NOBODY stopped you, the OP's husband, or any other "male virgins prior to marriage", from having sex with other women prior to meeting the woman you married, nobody. You and the others CHOSE not to and afterwards had "buyer's remorse". So cry me a river.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. Ask if he would be willing to pay for you to go on dates with a male escort of your choosing. Just curious what his response would be. I am not implying that is your desire.

Some counseling seems in order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> OP. Ask if he would be willing to pay for you to go on dates with a male escort of your choosing. Just curious what his response would be. I am not implying that is your desire.
> 
> Some counseling seems in order.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



"I feel like I missed out on important experiences, experiences you've had that I haven't. It's really bothering me. I think I need to have sex with other women because you've had sex with men other than me."

"Oh honey, I know how you feel. I've never taken a shower with a bunch of men, and I know you have many times, and sometimes I really feel left out. Hey, let's both go experience what we failed to do way back when! You find another woman to have sex with, and I'll go find a bunch of men to shower with."


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thor said:


> AnonymousWife, I was a virgin when I met my wife, she had several previous lovers. I can relate to your husband in several ways, but I think there is more going on than what is on the surface.
> 
> First, there have been times I've had the same thoughts of wondering what it would be like to have been with other women, and to have memories of other women, and to have perspective of being with different women. I agree with him that you (and my wife) cannot possibly understand this. It isn't that my wife isn't good in bed or that I don't love her. It is a more generic feeling that I am missing something which the vast majority of humans have experienced.
> 
> ...


I married a guy who had lots of sexual experience. I was a virgin.

I never had any thoughts of me being cheated or that I missed something or that he knew something I did not. That sort of thing never entered my mind.

My point, it's far from universal for a person to feel cheated or all these other things that some are saying here. Some people do, some people don't. 

The bottom line however, is that he married her knowing about her past sex life. He knew that she had a very minimal sex life before him. But he accepted it. 

If he was being open and just talking to her about his feelings it would be ok. It's good for couples to be able to discuss such thing in a way healthy way.

What is not good is what he is doing. Not having sex with her. Telling her that if she wants sex to do it herself. Telling her that he wants sex with other women. All that, then refusing to talk about it. 

This is the point that Anon Pink is trying to make. What he is doing is wrong.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Unlike almost every responder on this thread <g>. I don't think the guys feelings are all that outrageous. Actually acting on it is a bad idea but having the feeling doesn't seem out of the ordinary.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife PM'ed to say that she deleted her other replies here because she wants to write up a more complete post that will answer the questions and assumptions posters are jumping to. She says that she is new to forums so it might take her a bit.

She says that when she's completed she will either post it here or start a new thread. Personally I think that a new thread would be a good idea as this one is getting way out of hand.

So let's hold off until she returns.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"catalog of previous lovers"

I wonder what makes it a catalog? If a person has sex 2 times in high school...is that a catalog?

:scratchhead:


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> "catalog of previous lovers"
> 
> I wonder what makes it a catalog? If a person has sex 2 times in high school...is that a catalog?
> 
> :scratchhead:


Yes, more than 1 lover is a catalog. No value or moral position implied or intended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> "I feel like I missed out on important experiences, experiences you've had that I haven't. It's really bothering me. I think I need to have sex with other women because you've had sex with men other than me."
> 
> "Oh honey, I know how you feel. I've never taken a shower with a bunch of men, and I know you have many times, and sometimes I really feel left out. Hey, let's both go experience what we failed to do way back when! You find another woman to have sex with, and I'll go find a bunch of men to shower with."



My life is now complete after reading that post, thank you!

You give excellent, vivid imagery!

Imagine, if she gave her husband the back door, and now because she never had the opportunity, she now wants to peg him with a 10 inch dildo. All these years she has been on the receiving end, it is only fair that the table should be turned as well. She never got the opportunity to do the pounding.


----------



## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your replies. I didn't expect to get all these responses. Its all so overwhelming. Here is the link to my full story. Hope this answers any of the questions that were asked. I'll do my best to answer in this new thread. As Ele had previosly posted. I'm new to forums. So I'll be a bit slow to respond. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/264602-my-story-frustrated-need-advice.html


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm closing this thread so that people can reply on OP's new thread.


----------

