# He lost his job and he says I should leave him because I don't make enough $$



## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

Times are tough in my household as of late. My DH has lost his job and is working on getting a new one. He is very stressed out, but he continues to take it out on me. I work and make a good living and I have offered to support us for as long as I need to (but I don't make his salary). He conintues to scream at me and tell me that I don't make enough and that I'm insane if I think that I could ever provide like he has.

I have tried VERY hard to bite my tongue and take his insults. Any time I seem even remotely offended he tells me that I don't 'get it' and the pressure he has in intolerable and I need to be more realistic. He will then say things like 'you don't deserve this -- I am going to be far more intolerable than I am right now VERY SOON (when money runs out) you should RUN! Find a wealthy man -- and have a child. 

You see when we got married (second for both of us) I said I wanted a child. He has 3 older from previous marriage. He said that we would -- and now he says with this issue he can not let that happen. Maybe 'someday'. Well, I"m 40. I make a very good living and if he would allow us to downsize from his pricey home that he had when we met -- we could definitely live very well and have a baby -- and a happy family. EVEN with my income alone. 

He won't allow that. He even says things like "i may need to move out of state -- i'm in survival mode -- and when I say what about me? He will respond with ..."I don't know -- I can't make you any promises.

I will begin crying when he says this stuff and he will tell me I am a victim and that I like to be dramatic. When I respond with "HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING TO ME?" He will tell me that he doesn't want me to suffer and he has to pay child support etc and maybe HE will just go live with HIS parents. 

Again -- he says I can't support us. I make over 6 figures! The other night he was on such a tirade before bed -- he literally told me that he would rather die than start over in his career and drive some average car. I said how dare you! I cried and told him I don't even want to IMAGINE him dead -- he said well, that would be better for everyone involved. 

He has now said this so many times -- I have learned he's threatening me. Because when I say "DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO LEAVE??" He will back down and tell me an hour later that he doesn't want me to leave but he just doesn't know what to do. 

Today he did it again. I was upset that I needed to pay a 300 dollar insurance bill that he forgot. When I started pushing it and insisted that we get it paid he told me i was being dramatic and actually stormed out of our coffee shop and told me that he needs to make some major changes in his life and if I can't stop making him angry and acting unstable -- that I can't be a part of this anymore. 

THEN an hour later he told me he was terrified that I was going to leave him -- because I can't take all of this. 

I TRULY FEEL INSANE> What am I going to do? I know he REALLY doesn't want me to leave -- but he makes these horrible threats? And insults me. 

I have begged him to stop threatening our relationship. He says then stop acting so weird and 'pathological'.... 

What would you do???


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Sounds like he needs to see a therapist and work on his anger, this is not fair to you he should appreciate you willing to float the boat until he finds work.

I'm sorry you are going through this, do you think he will go to a therapist? if not alone maybe marriage counseling? 

He is probably lost and embarrassed that is not working, it can take a toll on a guy none the less he still needs to be more appreciative of you being able to pay the bills.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, he needs help.

I suggest that you first take him to see his primary care physican and get him on anti-depressants. It will help him deal with the situation. Then get him into see a good phychiatrist or counselor.

He's way over reacting. Sure it's stressful to lose a job. It's scary. But he's going to mess up his entire life if he does not get a handle on his emotions.

And there is no way you should be putting up with him treating you like this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> Again -- he says I can't support us. I make over 6 figures! The other night he was on such a tirade before bed -- *he literally told me that he would rather die *than start over in his career and *drive some average car*.
> 
> I TRULY FEEL INSANE> What am I going to do? I know he REALLY doesn't want me to leave -- but he makes these horrible threats? And insults me.
> 
> I have begged him to stop threatening our relationship. He says then stop acting so weird and 'pathological'....


Is he paying child support for all three of his children? If so, do you know how much he pays?

As a rule, successful people have investments. Granted, neither of you may want to touch those, but are they available in an emergency?

Okay, I'm sorry I cannot relate, or sympathize with someone who would rather die than start over. Been there, done that. I survived it. And, as a result, I no longer drive a Beemer. I drive a used Ford. I don't mind. It's clean, well-maintained, and gets me from Point A to Point B. 

Still, if these are his values, fine.

You cannot allow him to pull you down into his mess. You make a decent living. He's ripping into you due to stress. However, instead of investing in team work, it sounds like he's beating up on himself, taking it out on you, and making life miserable for everyone.

Me? I'd take him up on his invitation and consider leaving ... at least temporarily. I understand about a husband losing his job. Mine lost three in five years. And they were high-paying jobs. I left in order to salvage what I could of my sanity, dignity, and ability to start over from scratch.

Your life. Your choice. My tolerance level has lessened over the years. JMO.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So how were things between you before the job loss? Is this kind of disrespect and anger normal for him? I agree with the others, he needs help, and you dont need to tolerate his crap. Pretty sad when a posh lifestyle is the primary concern, pretty shallow way to live...he's more concerned with stuff like cars rather than the well being of his wife. Stop letting him threaten the relationship, if he does it again, show him the door. Maybe that will get through to him. Do try to encourage antidepressants to help him get through this time, they really can be a tremendous help. 

Sorry youre here.


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

Thank you -- actually even BEFORE his job loss -- he liked to threaten our relationship as a way to hurt me. It took some time but I finally learned that i don't THINK he means it. But, these days -- he may. He keeps saying if I wasn't around he would live with his parents -- save money -- and rebuild his career....but he says he feels pressure to have a decent standard of living with me -- because he wants me to be happy.

The thing is (as I've told him) I make way more than 6 figures...and I could easily leave and make great money without stress. BUT I tried that for a week and I missed him and our life. I told him OVER AND OVER again -- my life isn't about money.

The other issue I have noticed is that he is increasingly freaking out about his body and appearance. He's a good looking guy. And was VERY fit when I met him. These days -- he's fit and still works out, but he's gained about 20lbs. He melts down in front of the mirror and yells at me because he's fat.

He will tell me that the stress and the traveling to see my family once a week -- is causing him to sit too long and he is getting fat. HE absolutely CAN workout everyday -- but he does not. He also eats a lot lately. A LOT. It's not his working out it's his MASSIVE FOOD INTAKE. 

He tends to do this before bed. I waited up for him while he was working until midnight -- and when we went to bed I put on lingerie as usual. We usually have sex daily or every other night. He started screaming in the mirror "DO YOU SEE THIS FAT? OMG I AM FAT! I AM DISGUSTING! HOW DO YOU LIE TO ME AND SAY I'M HOT __ I"M FAT!" 

I will tell him to stop -- that he's overreacting and he will tell me that I'm a liar and he can't respect liars. I will tell him his food/fat issue is HIS issue and not mine. He blames me and says that stress is the reason he looks heavier and that he has gone down hill since he's met me.


The other night he was so upset I started crying as I fell asleep. He didn't want to have sex -- just yell about his guy. He literally turned on all the lights and demanded I looked at his stomach. When I cried because he was so mean -- he said that I like to manipulate situations and play victim to get petty.

I told him I simply love him -- support him -- and want the best for him and I don't want to participate in this. I told him to go to the doctor if he feels that something is wrong. ( he told me he things he might have cancer in his stomach). He said that I have no sympathy and I need to get a dose of reality.

I cried myself to sleep. Honestly the whole thing was him trying to avoid sex with me me ( i think) because he felt fat. 

But this is HARD. This isn't the hot man I married. I want to help him in everyday I can -- but the emotional abuse is really, really painful to me.


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

Yes, and while he is very good looking -- I think his insecurity is causing trouble. For example, today we were eating lunch and a very young girl (probably 15) walked in with her mother. She was pretty. I saw her come through the door. My husband is 48. He started staring at her. Then he looked away and when the girl got up to walk to her table he totally checked her out. It was obvious.

Last week, we took his daughter (previous marriage --15 years old) to a water park. His daughter brought a friend. The girl was pretty -- tall. She was in her bikini. I saw him look straight at the girl's ass. 

I didn't say anything because i knew it would start a fight -- but I thought WHAT IS HE DOING? 

I tired to check myself and realize that men look at attractive bodies. But, isn't that too young?? 



3Xnocharm said:


> So how were things between you before the job loss? Is this kind of disrespect and anger normal for him? I agree with the others, he needs help, and you dont need to tolerate his crap. Pretty sad when a posh lifestyle is the primary concern, pretty shallow way to live...he's more concerned with stuff like cars rather than the well being of his wife. Stop letting him threaten the relationship, if he does it again, show him the door. Maybe that will get through to him. Do try to encourage antidepressants to help him get through this time, they really can be a tremendous help.
> 
> Sorry youre here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, he is an arrogant, self centered snob...what exactly is keeping you with him? The way he talks to you, sure doesnt sound like any redeeming qualities there. He call you a liar, blames you for how he looks, etc...Why do you tolerate this??

You need to stop playing into his woe is me, poor victim act bullsh!t...when he starts in about his weight or whatever his whiny issue is, stop engaging! He wants an audience for his pity party! 

That said...YOU have to stop your victim behavior too. STOP all the crying! You are only feeding into his crap, he enjoys getting these reactions out of you. Stop engaging in this and stand up for yourself. If he has a hissy and wants to leave, LET HIM. I really am not seeing any reason to love him, even before he lost his job he was treating you like sh!t.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Late Mid Life Crisis....he is unraveling.

Some people strive/feed on stress....he is paralyzed by it. 

I agree, he should see a psychiatrist and get on meds to ease his anxiety. Give him an ultimatum...see a mental health specialist.

And soon, before he ruins this marriage.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

He needs to get put on meds and see someone. My H was laid off twice and twice we had to rebuild his career in different industries. It sucked but you get through it. It's not right that he taking out his frustrations, anger/anxiety on you. 
He needs an ultimatum - therapy and keep you or no therapy and lose you. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How long have you been married? How long has he been out of work? 

If he would go live with his parents or move out of state, why won't he downsize from his 'pricey' house?

He needs professional help and you need professional help. You can't take his verbal abuse forever.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

sounds like a tough situation.

you've got conflicting agendas and you're both emotional about this.

his primary goal is getting his career back on track. your offers to support him don't really help, even though you probably intend them to. he doesn't want to be supported.

your primary goal seems to be having a child. it's understandable because your window is closing. but he's not in a position to give that to you right now. that sucks.

you both sound like you are not really understanding each other's position and are feeling a bit sorry for yourselves.

if having a kid is your #1 goal, you will probably need to move on.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It sounds like he has real problems. Some are due to external issue, amplified by his own insecurities, some are of his own making. 

Just my thoughts:
There shouldn't be a question of *who* is supporting the family. You are married, you are in this together. If he is making a real effort to find an new job then it is only natural for your income to cover things until he does.

children - this is a really difficult issue. Both parents really really need to be enthusiastically on board if you want children, and he isn't. You are 40 which sadly makes a successful pregnancy less likely. The relationship does not sound stable. I"m sorry, I really am, but I think you should give up on the idea of another child. 

He is insecure. The loss of his job has made that worse. His aging body (happens to us all) has made that worse. 

You have listed all sorts of serious problems. What is good about him. Why did you decide to spend your life with him?


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

He is a high energy, start -- charismatic man who I enjoy being around when he is happy. But, the problem after we got engaged and then married -- I started to see more anger...more drama from him. He seems to be constantly upset about something.

His job loss is only amplifying it. I took his jealousy and his desire to be with me ALL the time -- to be love. But, what was happening is he was skipping his work obligations to follow me to mine. He didn't want me meeting clients alone --for dinner. He felt threatened. And I would tell him -- look, you are going to endanger your job if you keep doing this.
He would say that was my way of hiding that I was doing something wrong. ( I was not!) 

But, I saw the writing on the wall with his job -- he was never engaged with his work. Well, now he looks back and sees this and BLAMES ME. He says that he lost his job because he followed me around. 

So, what is good? I see that he wants to be with me all the time. I think he caters to me (because I think he loves me)....I do the same for him. However, I am realistic and want to preserve my job -- especially now.

But, I now recognize that he doesn't have faith in God as he told me he did. He used to go to church with me. Now, we don't go. He told me the other day he wasn't sure there was a God. THIS is not how he talked when we were dating. 

He is very aggressive with people who challenge him. To the point of threatening lawsuits against pretty much everyone. But, he never follows through... 

He's not the sweet man he initially showed himself to be. But, I still love him.


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

We've been married a year. He says this about his parents -- and moving -- but then the next day he will act like he never said that.

This morning -- after yesterday's horrible fight-- he woke up and told me that he loved me and he was sorry that he got mad. But, I need to try and prevent from setting him off. I was like -- WHAT? I didn't set you off.... pretty much I need to smile and agree with everything he says. Or he gets angry.

But today he's being amazing.... 



Blondilocks said:


> How long have you been married? How long has he been out of work?
> 
> If he would go live with his parents or move out of state, why won't he downsize from his 'pricey' house?
> 
> He needs professional help and you need professional help. You can't take his verbal abuse forever.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

A CEO friend of our lost his job and he went crazy for a while. Everyone is different, so some of my suggestions may fit, others not.

1. Be firm with him. Don't let him trash you but not attack him either.

"Hey, we are married and I love you, but you are taking out your job loss on me and that's not cool. Stop it right now." Or something like, in whatever language works for you. In my case I'd use stronger language:

"Listen. I love you, but right now you can f-uck off b/c you are treating me like sh!t and that just isn't ON. I work damned hard and contribute to the family. You've been a great provider for us, but life goes in cycles and right now we've hit a temporary low. TEMPORARY, understand? You WILL get back on your feet. We'll make a plan and do it together, but right now, you've got to get a grip. We've got our health, home... etc. so things really could be worse than they are. The reason we both work is exactly so we have BACKUP in case of situations like this."

I'd probably tell him this while f-ing his brains out, to make sure he stays to listen, but that's just me. 

2. Talk to him about various options, doctor, counselling, etc. Work on an action plan, which will give him some direction. If he has a friend who can help put him straight, this would also be a good thing.

3. Enlist help from friends. In our case, my H helped our friend to get back on track with some introductions and investment that led him to start an entirely new business. Sometimes, men like this just need validation that someone still believes in them.

Hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss details.

- Sapi


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> We've been married a year. He says this about his parents -- and moving -- but then the next day he will act like he never said that.
> 
> This morning -- after yesterday's horrible fight-- he woke up and told me that he loved me and he was sorry that he got mad. But, I need to try and prevent from setting him off. I was like -- WHAT?


The physical stuff will begin soon. The first time, he will only hit you once. And he will be sorry. He will be SO sorry. And he will be amazing as he is now. So you will forgive him. And begin to think, maybe it IS me. Some time will go by. The next time he will hit you a few more times. And the pattern will repeat. Has he started separating you from forms of support like friends and family yet? It is probably too early for that. But that starts happening soon. Has he started to suggest that he manage all the money and dole out to you what you "need"? That comes soon too.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> *The physical stuff will begin soon.* The first time, he will only hit you once. And he will be sorry. He will be SO sorry. And he will be amazing as he is now. So you will forgive him. And begin to think, maybe it IS me. Some time will go by. The next time he will hit you a few more times. And the pattern will repeat. Has he started separating you from forms of support like friends and family yet? It is probably too early for that. But that starts happening soon. Has he started to suggest that he manage all the money and dole out to you what you "need"? That comes soon too.


??? I just don't see how this follows from her original thread post. Did I miss something? All I read was a very frustrated man whose used to being in control, yes, but no sense of abuse above lashing out because he's POd about losing his job.

She makes 6 figures, he makes a lot more. This means he's likely a business owner, partner, or some kind of C-level executive.

There is lots of Ego in these sorts, but abusive doesn't necessarily follow b/c he's being aggressive. That's how people like this become successful. The trick is to call him on his BS, asap, and pull his head from his azz in a way he will relate to. Point him to some action that will help him regain some sense of control.

My nickel, of course, based on my own experience.

I think someone like @Harken Banks or @Kivlor could give some good insight on what her H mindset might be like right now, and what might help.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

sapientia said:


> ??? I just don't see how this follows from her original thread post. Did I miss something? All I read was a very frustrated man whose used to being in control, yes, but no sense of abuse above lashing out because he's POd about losing his job.


Loses job because he was following her around. Blames his anger on HER and asks her not to "make" him angry... It looks very much like the early stages of abuse.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> *Loses job because he was following her around.* Blames his anger on HER and asks her not to "make" him angry... It looks very much like the early stages of abuse.


I still can't find that part. Anyway, let's see what the OP comes back with. Maybe I'm off on the C-level exec part--we tend to describe what we know, I'm no exception. I will say that some of those types are overachievers compensating for a deep insecurity. 

Pushing back on him in the way I suggested will certainly uncover whether he's truly abusive or just lashing out from his frustration.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

sapientia said:


> I still can't find that part. Anyway, let's see what the OP comes back with. Maybe I'm off on the C-level exec part--we tend to describe what we know, I'm no exception. I will say that some of those types are overachievers compensating for a deep insecurity.
> 
> Pushing back on him in the way I suggested will certainly uncover whether he's truly abusive or just lashing out from his frustration.


As long as she keeps her eyes open and her wits about her...


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

No you are correct. He handles all the money and gives me shi* if I don't deposit all my checks the moment I receive them. He is horrible to me regarding money. And yeah -- he's a c level exec who has no savings. His previous wife cleaned him out. I make 6 figures plus -- and as SOON as we got married he started telling me I can't even do my normal hair coloring etc. He says 'times are tight'. At that time times were not tight..... he just over spent on things HE liked. 

He is currently controlling all of the money. When I tell him that I am doing everything I can and giving every dime to our family (he's still employed for another 30 days so the bomb hasn't hit yet)..... he will say that I like to be a martyr. And that if I don't want to contribute everything -- then fine. He doesn't need me. 

Then this morning -- he told me he was grateful for all I do -- THEN said "btw -- when is your check from __ __ coming. And told me I need to be more diligent about hounding my clients for checks. That if they are a day late -- that I should be all over them. 





NobodySpecial said:


> As long as she keeps her eyes open and her wits about her...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> No you are correct. He handles all the money and gives me shi* if I don't deposit all my checks the moment I receive them. He is horrible to me regarding money. And yeah -- he's a c level exec who has no savings. His previous wife cleaned him out. I make 6 figures plus -- and as SOON as we got married he started telling me I can't even do my normal hair coloring etc. He says 'times are tight'. At that time times were not tight..... he just over spent on things HE liked.
> 
> He is currently controlling all of the money. When I tell him that I am doing everything I can and giving every dime to our family (he's still employed for another 30 days so the bomb hasn't hit yet)..... he will say that I like to be a martyr. And that if I don't want to contribute everything -- then fine. He doesn't need me.
> 
> Then this morning -- he told me he was grateful for all I do -- THEN said "btw -- when is your check from __ __ coming. And told me I need to be more diligent about hounding my clients for checks. That if they are a day late -- that I should be all over them.


Quietly as a mouse, reach out to a homeless woman's shelter hotline. Ask them to help you develop an escape plan that is smart and benefits YOU. I would not recommend just opening an account and saying F you I am depositing my check in MY account because you do not want him to know the jig is up. Get the advice of people who know.... who wish they had seen the signs early on.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

sounds like a [email protected] so what are you going to do about it?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> sounds like a [email protected] so what are you going to do about it?


Totally^.

Is there anyone from in your social circle who can talk to him? Someone who understands what it's like to be kicked down like this but can give him some tough love guidance? Does he have a professional coach, who has experience with execs who lose their jobs? He's certainly not the first exec to go through this.

As far as your own money goes, and especially re: your clients, I'd tell him to f-uck off, but that's just me. Sorry, but hair and nails is an important part of your professional image, not a luxury, I'm very certain. Plus, his history isn't exactly reassuring.

You're in for a rough ride for the next month. Try to keep your equilibrium, but do stand your ground.


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

I have been seeing a therapist for 2 weeks now. My DH isn't thrilled about it but at the same time he encouraged me. Odd... 

Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to leave and I said no -- but that I realize things are not progressing well right now and I am worried.

She listened to his behavior and she was concerned about his stability. She also suggested I start dumping money silently in a secret account. However, my DH is all over me regarding money. One time I tried cashing my client's check and then handing him the cash. He was very upset and said that I was hiding money and he knew it. He then went back and realized I took 100 off and he was saying that while it's okay -- it's not fair to him. That HE doesn't hide money from me. NO - he just spends it all! 

Seriously, in the last 2 months (i've done well) I've handed him 23k. It's gross pay because I am supposed to take taxes off. He uses it like cash and to pay down debt and says that he will make sure the deductions exceed my income and not be responsible for taxes. (He is genius this way because of his job).

But, I have given him 23k in 60 days! And he literally gave me crap the other day because I said I wanted to buy some clothes. I NEVER shop anymore...



NobodySpecial said:


> Quietly as a mouse, reach out to a homeless woman's shelter hotline. Ask them to help you develop an escape plan that is smart and benefits YOU. I would not recommend just opening an account and saying F you I am depositing my check in MY account because you do not want him to know the jig is up. Get the advice of people who know.... who wish they had seen the signs early on.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Quietly as a mouse, reach out to a homeless woman's shelter hotline. Ask them to help you develop an escape plan that is smart and benefits YOU. I would not recommend just opening an account and saying F you I am depositing my check in MY account because you do not want him to know the jig is up. Get the advice of people who know.... who wish they had seen the signs early on.


I still don't see overt abuse here, to justify this. Again, no disrespect, but the typical staff at a women's shelter are NOT going to understand what is actually going on with this situation. Few to none understand what it's like to be on a board, nevermind having one decide to fire you.

The OP needs to not over-rotate and not buy-in to her H's panic. She needs to stay calm and in control herself, and call him on his BS as it comes, in a firm but non-confrontational way. Expect his thinking is irrational. Help him pull his head out of his ass and point him towards things that will return his sense of control that DON'T involve HER business.

She won't really be able to do this until the dust starts to settle once he's actually out of his company.

Does the firm provide any resources to help with transition?


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

Well, he's been offered a year guaranteed contract with a company about 45 minutes away. He will have to work his ass off, but from there all of his clients will be under his business. He will be self employed.

INSTEAD -- he's asking the bank for a 200k loan and wants to go off on his own asap. 

I think he's insane for choosing this but he says I do not understand



sapientia said:


> I still don't see overt abuse here, to justify this. Again, no disrespect, but the typical staff at a women's shelter are NOT going to understand what is actually going on with this situation. Few to none understand what it's like to be on a board, nevermind having one decide to fire you.
> 
> The OP needs to not over-rotate and not buy-in to her H's panic. She needs to stay calm and in control herself, and call him on his BS as it comes, in a firm but non-confrontational way. Expect his thinking is irrational. Help him pull his head out of his ass and point him towards things that will return his sense of control that DON'T involve HER business.
> 
> ...


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Leslie - speaking of work, I need to do some, as I'm sure you do also. FWIW, *I think you are doing well, getting IC and keeping a sense of calm around the situation, as best you can. Kudos to you.*

Assuming things were decent before your H got fired (his character quirks notwithstanding--that's just par for the type, IMO), I would just stay the course. Definitely I would stand my ground re: finances, especially given his history. I would be transparent about putting some cash aside, saying you aren't hiding anything (if you divorce it's community property anyway) but that you think it's a good idea and you are going ahead with it.

If you have enough control re: your marriage, I might insist he get on some meds to calm him down. Valium, or something like. Tell him this is a condition of your going forward. Again, firm but fair is the approach I would take.

Do you know why he's losing his job? It wasn't from any misappropriation of funds, I hope? Feel free to PM me if you prefer, I'll be back later today.

- Sapi


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to take control of your own money ASAP, or you aren't going to have any!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

sapientia said:


> I still don't see overt abuse here, to justify this. Again, no disrespect, but the typical staff at a women's shelter are NOT going to understand what is actually going on with this situation.


Yes they will. I worked at one. I worked the phones. I did not say there was currently physical abuse. I said this is how they ALL start. 



Few to none understand what it's like to be on a board, nevermind having one decide to fire you.


> The OP needs to not over-rotate and not buy-in to her H's panic. She needs to stay calm and in control herself, and call him on his BS as it comes, in a firm but non-confrontational way. Expect his thinking is irrational. Help him pull his head out of his ass and point him towards things that will return his sense of control that DON'T involve HER business.
> 
> She won't really be able to do this until the dust starts to settle once he's actually out of his company.
> 
> Does the firm provide any resources to help with transition?


I disagree. He is a loon. She should know what the plan is for (ok ok if) when he escalates. The plan should already be in place. That plan needs to include following the therapist's advice and figure out a way to squirrel away some money.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> Well, he's been offered a year guaranteed contract with a company about 45 minutes away. He will have to work his ass off, but from there all of his clients will be under his business. He will be self employed.
> 
> *INSTEAD -- he's asking the bank for a 200k loan and wants to go off on his own asap. *
> 
> I think he's insane for choosing this but he says I do not understand.


F-uck. You need to make it clear to him that--even if going out on his own is the right answer--it may not be the best decision RIGHT NOW.

In other words, the argument is not "no" but rather "not right now". There is a saying re: decisions that when emotions go up, intelligence goes down. Now is not the time to be making these kinds of financial decisions. He needs to take that year contract and buy himself time to figure out what ALL his options are.

Geeze, I really wish he had someone to discuss this stuff with someone who understands. There ARE several posters here who would understand his situation. Any chance you can get him to post here?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

too many major issues in this relationship

guy seems like he has bigger issues beyond just losing his job

OP wants to have a kid and clock is ticking

#1 by staying in this relationship, you will be forgoing your chance to have a child. have you accepted that?

#2 it seems like your husband's downward spiral could take your career down too. are you really willing to risk that to stay with him

#3 I often think the concept of "financial abuse" is overstated, but in this case, it seems like it applies. he is totally controlling to a bizarre degree with the money you earn. it is not normal, even if he is generally in charge of finances in your household.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Yes they will. I worked at one. I worked the phones. I did not say there was currently physical abuse. I said this is how they ALL start.


Okay. Well, let's just say you and I have rather different life experiences and leave it at that.

This is the OPs thread; based on what I understand about her history, she is very capable of taking decisions based on available information.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> #1 by staying in this relationship, *you will be forgoing your chance to have a child. * have you accepted that?
> 
> #2 it seems like *your husband's downward spiral could take your career down too.* are you really willing to risk that to stay with him


I agree with these points. She could use his job loss as a reason to exit the marriage, if she's looking for one.

I'm working under the assumption she is committed to the marriage; no judgement here if she wants to get out. Risking my business is something that would give me huge pause.


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

I am really at a loss. I do not want to lose our marriage -- but if I look at it -- would i rather be alone? No....I keep thinking that it will come around.

But I see that the emotional damage is causing me problems. I feel very insecure overall.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Blaming the victim is typical of abusers. You can't control his emotions. He has them; he has to own them. Don't fall into the cycle of abuse, everything's rosy, abuse. It is a cycle and you have to ask yourself if you want to live that way. Consider cutting your losses before things get really out of hand.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> I am really at a loss. I do not want to lose our marriage -- but if I look at it -- would i rather be alone? No....I keep thinking that it will come around.
> 
> But I see that the emotional damage is causing me problems. I feel very insecure overall.


Things don't just come around on their own. The first place to start is to get some control over your money.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> I am really at a loss. I do not want to lose our marriage -- but if I look at it -- would i rather be alone? No....I keep thinking that it will come around.
> 
> But I see that the emotional damage is causing me problems. I feel very insecure overall.


Not wanting to be alone is not a valid reason to stay in a tumultuous marriage. Your husband has some serious issues. You have only been married for a year, and look what you are already having to deal with. He is a control freak, and I agree that he will escalate.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

there are lots of other guys. better guys.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The guy was a control freak before he lost his job. Dollars to donuts he isn't setting aside any money to pay her taxes and she'll be up sh!t creek with the IRS. 

OP, you aren't a little girl. You really need to start taking care of your own financial business and not just hand over every dime to your free-spending husband. It sounds like he married you for your income. And, stop letting him blame you for his emotions and his actions. He needs to grow the hell up.


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

No -- he isn't setting any money aside. He is using every dime toward his accounts so he can make it look better for the banks as he applies for this 200k biz loan.

We also don't pay house taxes monthly -- and that means we are already 8k behind for the year. 

He keeps telling me that I don't understand finances and he needs to do it because he 'worries about my judgement'.

Problem is -- I am not the one who has him in this horrible position. He's 48. He only has 150k in retirement. He hasn't contributed to retirement in 2 years. He does not know that I am contributing 200 a month. He says that is why something 'doesn't add up' with my checks. 

Well -- I am trying to have SOMETHING.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> No -- he isn't setting any money aside. He is using every dime toward his accounts so he can make it look better for the banks as he applies for this 200k biz loan.
> 
> We also don't pay house taxes monthly -- and that means we are already 8k behind for the year.
> 
> He keeps telling me that I don't understand finances and he needs to do it because he 'worries about my judgement'.


What would happen if you said to him, well I don't agree. I am going to be taking care of my money and pay my half of the bills myself. I agree to contribute x (if you are) per month to help pay down your debt. Then do it. When he loses his noodle, you will have evidence of what kind of guy he is OR you will see the results of effective limit setting.

You don't HAVE to do everything he says.


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

I have gently suggested this.

He says that is what he expects from me and that is why he is in survival mode for HIMSELF and may need to move in with HIS parents. That I'm not a team player and definitely not a partner. From there, he tells me he doesn't think things will work out. Yesterday he said "i'm making some big changes in my life right now and I can't take your drama -- so now is the time for me to deal with my own life."

When I freaked out of course -- he said that he demanded I talk to him (instead of go for a walk) or I will "never see him again."




NobodySpecial said:


> What would happen if you said to him, well I don't agree. I am going to be taking care of my money and pay my half of the bills myself. I agree to contribute x (if you are) per month to help pay down your debt. Then do it. When he loses his noodle, you will have evidence of what kind of guy he is OR you will see the results of effective limit setting.
> 
> You don't HAVE to do everything he says.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> I have gently suggested this.


Stop "gently suggesting". 



> He says that is what he expects from me


Ahem? AHEM? EXPECTS????? Expects???? Hello. When you married him, you did not become his possession OR his slave. You make your own decisions. Talk to your therapist about boundaries in marriage. Like yesterday. IF you mean to stay with him one more second, you need to start learning how to do this.



> and that is why he is in survival mode for HIMSELF


And so are you, in survival mode for him. Thus you cannot let him squander all your money. 



> and may need to move in with HIS parents.


Ok if that is what you feel you need to do. But I really think downsizing the house makes more sense.



> That I'm not a team player and definitely not a partner. From there, he tells me he doesn't think things will work out.


Ok. Well let me know what you decide.



> Yesterday he said "i'm making some big changes in my life right now and I can't take your drama -- so now is the time for me to deal with my own life."
> 
> When I freaked out of course -- he said that he demanded I talk to him (instead of go for a walk) or I will "never see him again."


I hope you went for your walk. He is not leaving you anyway. It is all bluster. But do you REALLY want to be with a man who threatens to leave you every time he does not get his way?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Thanks @sapientia for the mention. OP, I’m going to try to give a ridiculously shortened summary of your situation, and see if it seems accurate to you. Then I’m going to toss out some basic musings on what’s going on inside your H, and what can / can’t be done to fix things. If it is inaccurate, please tell me so I can re-evaluate this.

Summary:
Married 1 year. H Lost Job. H has 3 kids from previous relationship. Pays CS on them. OP has no kids. OP wants kids. OP is 40.
H is taking stress out on W, lashing out emotionally. Tells W to find someone else. Says he’s scared she WILL find someone else. Please leave, then Please don’t leave. Says he’s in “survival mode.” 
H has body image issues. Weight Gain issues. Tears down OP, tears down himself. 
H is very controlling over money. Seems to be worried about letting OP out of his sight too.

My thoughts….

I’m going to start with you OP, and then come to your H: You’ve been married 1 year. Not much to lose if you D. Just a fact. Is this your first marriage? 

You are 40 and want kids. If you want a kid, you need to realign your entire life around this, because you are out of time. In fact, you’re on borrowed time right now. It’s either with this guy, a random you pick up and dupe, or never. So, if I were in your shoes I would be spending some serious time thinking about this and how important it is to you. Because there is a high probability of never. Guys can wait, girls can’t. 

Now, about your H… (keep in mind, I’m trying to put myself in his shoes here, and also anything I say about you in this section is just my take)

For most men, providing for their family* is a mandate.* To be unable to do so is in fact the greatest blow to his manhood you could imagine. It strikes deep into his core. Failure in this can create an existential crisis. I think that is exactly what your H is experiencing right now. Everything has crumbled (in his eyes). His previous marriage is gone. He has to pay CS for his kids and provide a life for them and for his XW and on top of that, he’s married and must provide for you. And now he is unemployed. He is completely and utterly defeated, and has no where to go. It doesn’t matter that you can help, or even carry the weight; this isn’t a partnership in that sense, this is a duty; a measure of him as a person.

He’s terrified that you are going to judge him (in secret); in fact that you are judging him right now; that his parents are judging him; his friends; his colleagues; your friends; your parents. He can’t fail. To fail is to invite you to leave him. And here he is, failing. So you should be leaving.

You are facing a massive obstacle in your M, and your H is making it worse. He is self-destructing. He thinks that the marriage is over, and you are going to replace him. He knows it in his bones. He can see that burning shipwreck of his old marriage in his mind’s eye, and he thinks there is no way to steer this one away from the same fate. He’s pulling the plug prematurely, and letting the water in, so as to just get it over with. The longer he waits, the more he will have invested in it, and he can’t bear to watch this go down like the last; it’ll be less painful this way (he hopes).

OP your H is terrified to let you help out, and *be his partner* because to him Wife =/= Partner; because he’s afraid to trust someone in that way--his mind couldn't take it if he did and he was wrong. Not right now, when everything is wrong. 

How did his previous marriage end? Was he abused as a child? Did he have a father, or was he raised by a single mom?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Thanks @sapientia for the mention. OP, I’m going to try to give a ridiculously shortened summary of your situation, and see if it seems accurate to you. Then I’m going to toss out some basic musings on what’s going on inside your H, and what can / can’t be done to fix things. If it is inaccurate, please tell me so I can re-evaluate this.
> 
> Summary:
> Married 1 year. H Lost Job. H has 3 kids from previous relationship. Pays CS on them. OP has no kids. OP wants kids. OP is 40.
> ...



good post.

it's understandable why he'd be acting the way he is, but it doesn't mean it's OK or that he couldn't be expected to do better.

I think OP is out of time and has too little invested in this marriage to deal with this at her age. JMO.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her husband isn't terrified to let her help out. He's terrified she'll take her income and run. He won't even let her have enough of her income to get her hair colored. He is a controlling, selfish money grubber. But, when he wants something he buys it. It's all about him and to hell with her.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> You are 40 and want kids. If you want a kid, you need to realign your entire life around this, because you are out of time. In fact, you’re on borrowed time right now. It’s either with this guy, a random you pick up and dupe, or never.


Or a donor. Or adoption.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

OP, I think you should pay very close attention to what your H tells you.

If he says he is scared you're going to leave him, believe him. If he tells you he wants you to leave, pay very close attention to that. I know these can sound conflicting, but that's where my previous post comes in: he thinks you are going to leave him, and he is pulling the plug to get it over with. Rip the band-aid off. He'd rather watch it burn fast than see it sink slow, because he thinks it will hurt him less. And because he doesn't think it can end any other way. He is certain not that he will fail, *but that he already has.*

Your Hubby needs several things, if he's going to recover. He needs a therapist first. Not a psychiatrist, but a therapist. He needs someone who can help him sort out his emotions, not someone who will medicate him into compliance.

Your Hubby needs a corps of people around him he can trust, and who he understands that it is safe to trust. Who aren't just hangers on, or looking for something. Friends and family who are going to show him they support him, and that he's not a failure, but rather he's just fallen off the horse and needs to stand back up. And that they're right here with him, ready to help, and to cheer him on.

Your H needs to stay away from drugs and alcohol. People in these situations are prone to substance abuse to attempt to numb the pain.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> I have gently suggested this.
> 
> He says that is what he expects from me and that is why he is in survival mode for HIMSELF and may need to move in with HIS parents. That I'm not a team player and definitely not a partner. From there, he tells me he doesn't think things will work out. Yesterday he said "i'm making some big changes in my life right now and I can't take your drama -- so now is the time for me to deal with my own life."


When this happens, say "OK"




lesliebrown1967 said:


> When I freaked out of course -- he said that he demanded I talk to him (instead of go for a walk) or I will "never see him again."


When this happens, say "OK". 

And stop freaking out, you are playing right into his twisted game. He enjoys getting these over the top reactions from you, its all part of controlling you.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Or a donor. Or adoption.


Adopted kids will never be truly yours, in the way that ones born to you will. Adopted kids often come with baggage.

Of course we use the old Roman adage: "The children born to you, you love dearly, and you love them because you must. But the child you adopt you love much deeper for you love him for your virtue."

But the Romans adopted adults, who had proven track records. So not really that applicable here I think.



Blondilocks said:


> Her husband isn't terrified to let her help out. He's terrified she'll take her income and run. He won't even let her have enough of her income to get her hair colored. He is a controlling, selfish money grubber. But, when he wants something he buys it. It's all about him and to hell with her.


I'm withholding some judgement here until I get some more information. Don't get me wrong, what he is doing is not something I can or will condone, but rather I think it may be quite explainable. And fixable. 

I'm just guessing, but the issue is likely that he is terrified she will clean him out like OP indicates his XW did. And he's self-destructing, so he's blowing his own money and not holding himself to the same standard--and failing to see the double standard--because he's not thinking at all; he's panicking. But it's just a guess.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> good post.


It would be... IF the H had not already been showing massively bad behavior before the job loss including losing his job BECAUSE he was stalking her.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Adopted kids will never be truly yours, in the way that ones born to you will. Adopted kids often come with baggage.


My MIL and FIL would so disagree with you. So would my Mom (and my Dad if he were still alive).


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> good post.
> 
> it's understandable why he'd be acting the way he is, but it doesn't mean it's OK or that he couldn't be expected to do better.
> 
> I think OP is out of time and has too little invested in this marriage to deal with this at her age. JMO.


No, what he's doing is wrong. And it has to be curtailed quickly, if the M is going to make it. And it may be that D is the right path. Or the only one.

I think that if I were in the OP's shoes, I would be very wary of D, if I want to have a kid. She's out of time. But I'd certainly place fixing this on a timetable. In my head, not in writing, nor shared with anyone.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> No, what he's doing is wrong. And it has to be curtailed quickly, if the M is going to make it. And it may be that D is the right path. Or the only one.
> 
> I think that if I were in the OP's shoes, I would be very wary of D, if I want to have a kid. She's out of time. But I'd certainly place fixing this on a timetable. In my head, not in writing, nor shared with anyone.


That is exactly why she SHOULD D. So this guy does not get any more hooks into her.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> It would be... IF the H had not already been showing massively bad behavior before the job loss including losing his job BECAUSE he was stalking her.


I don't think the husband is a good guy

I just thought the post was a reasonable description of what his interior mental landscape looks like


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Thanks for continuing to weigh in @Kivlor. I think this is definitely one of those 'for better, for worse' situations. Some people will bail at the first sign of trouble, others will tough it out. I too, am waiting on more information.

I think a lot of what comes next depends on what kind of man her H is when he's at his best, and whether she believes he can get there again. She married him for a reason, possibly in haste. There may be a lesson learned in that as well.

_“I've always thought tests are a gift. And great tests are a great gift. To fail the test is a misfortune. But to refuse the test is to refuse the gift, and something worse, more irrevocable, than misfortune.”_

Keep us updated Leslie. Best wishes in the meantime.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> That is exactly why she SHOULD D. So this guy does not get any more hooks into her.


Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! Divorce!

Ah the awkward mantra of this marriage forum. It's almost like this should be talkaboutdivorce.com 

OP, I think you are in a very precarious situation. And I'm not saying you can or should save your M. I'm saying that if you want to, I think there may be some options. And I'd be glad to assist you in exploring them.

Pretty soon this thread is going to be swamped with the "FILE D!" crowd. And with a few other commenters who I think can only make this much worse. 

Wait till one of them shows up and starts proving your H's insecurity right, by telling you he is weak and you should file D because of that.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Kivlor said:


> No, what he's doing is wrong. And it has to be curtailed quickly, if the M is going to make it. And it may be that D is the right path. Or the only one.
> 
> I think that if I were in the OP's shoes, I would be very wary of D, if I want to have a kid. She's out of time. *But I'd certainly place fixing this on a timetable. *In my head, not in writing, nor shared with anyone.


Agreed. I'm thinking the exact same thing.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! Divorce!


Actually my advice would be EITHER divorce OR have kids but not both.



> Ah the awkward mantra of this marriage forum. It's almost like this should be talkaboutdivorce.com
> 
> OP, I think you are in a very precarious situation. And I'm not saying you can or should save your M. I'm saying that if you want to, I think there may be some options. And I'd be glad to assist you in exploring them.
> 
> ...


What she should start doing is setting some effective limits and getting control of her money back IMO.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Kivlor said:


> Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! Divorce!
> 
> Ah the awkward mantra of this marriage forum. It's almost like this should be talkaboutdivorce.com
> 
> ...


Hard for people to comment on what they don't understand. Not too many here who understand her business, nevermind his.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> No, what he's doing is wrong. And it has to be curtailed quickly, if the M is going to make it. And it may be that D is the right path. Or the only one.
> 
> I think that if I were in the OP's shoes, I would be very wary of D, if I want to have a kid. She's out of time. But I'd certainly place fixing this on a timetable. In my head, not in writing, nor shared with anyone.


having a kid with this guy would be a huge mistake.

OP shouldn't allow a desire to accomplish this personal goal to bring a kid into a situation like this


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

sapientia said:


> Hard for people to comment on what they don't understand. Not too many here who understand her business, nevermind his.


We understand how has behaved all along based on the OP's reports. It is not like he STARTED acting like a crazy person when he lost his job. If his job was so important to him, why did he blow it off to stalk her?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> having a kid with this guy would be a huge mistake.
> 
> OP shouldn't allow a desire to accomplish this personal goal to bring a kid into a situation like this


I wish there were more like buttons. You don't bring a kid into an F'ed marriage because you "want" one.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> We understand how has behaved all along based on the OP's reports. It is not like he STARTED acting like a crazy person when he lost his job. If his job was so important to him, *why did he blow it off to stalk her*?


Can you please repost where you read this? I feel as if I'm missing a critical part of this thread, or it's being misinterpreted.

Thanks.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

sapientia said:


> Can you please repost where you read this? I feel as if I'm missing a critical part of this thread, or it's being misinterpreted.
> 
> Thanks.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/16305882-post14.html

"His job loss is only amplifying it. I took his jealousy and his desire to be with me ALL the time -- to be love. But, what was happening is he was skipping his work obligations to follow me to mine. "


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> having a kid with this guy would be a huge mistake.
> 
> OP shouldn't allow a desire to accomplish this personal goal to bring a kid into a situation like this


I think you misunderstand me. 

If this marriage can be fixed, and if the OP is interested in that, then maybe a kid is an option eventually. But a kid right now will not help, it will make this worse. The whole thing about kids matters deeply though, because OP said she wants one, and realistically she is almost out of time. 

Having a kid before OP figures out whether or not 1) she wants to save the M; 2) Her H can make the necessary changes; and 3) Her H has successfully made said changes; would be a disaster. 

Which is why I mentioned in my first post that OP needs to take a look at her life and her objectives. And regardless of what she chooses, she needs to realize that it is very possible she will never have children of her own.
@sapientia put it best " think a lot of what comes next depends on what kind of man her H is when he's at his best, and whether she believes he can get there again."


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/16305882-post14.html
> 
> "His job loss is only amplifying it. I took his jealousy and his desire to be with me ALL the time -- to be love. But, what was happening is he was skipping his work obligations to follow me to mine. "


I took this to be about blowing off work functions / after hours events to go with her to hers. 

Maybe I misinterpreted it. OP should clarify.

Either way he's not stalking her. He's going places with his Wife. You need a chill pill captain hyperbole.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/16305882-post14.html
> 
> "His job loss is only amplifying it. I took his jealousy and his desire to be with me ALL the time -- to be love. But, *what was happening is he was skipping his work obligations to follow me to mine.* "


Yes, that reads as rather paranoid. Let's ask the source directly, shall we?

@lesliebrown1967 - Is this^ the reason your H lost his job? Or was his job already in trouble? Did his XW cheat on him, perhaps? BTW, how long did you know him for before you married (apologies if you already posted this info).

It's possible this guy was already in trouble with his job, and latched onto Leslie b/c she represents the success he was in the process of losing.

Let's see what she says, rather than inventing our own version.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> It would be... IF the H had not already been showing massively bad behavior before the job loss including losing his job BECAUSE he was stalking her.


THIS. His stalking should have been a glaring red flag to her before the marriage.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

How do you people manage to contain paranoia in your own lives if you can't be objective about another person's life that has absolutely no bearing on your own? There are many explanations yet to be explored for what is happening.

There is no urgency to anyone here. She is not under physical threat. Noone is going to die if brain surgery doesn't happen immediately. Leslie needs to take time to think things through.

From one of my favourite poems:

_I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul._


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS. His stalking should have been a glaring red flag to her before the marriage.


This is jumping to a conclusion that has yet to be confirmed. Let's calm down about this before we jump to "stalking". There is zero evidence from OP's post.
@lesliebrown1967

I avoided directly addressing the behavior NS and 3X are attaching to. It was intentional, so as to prevent from seeing the pitchforks and torches brought out right away.

That behavior, if it was the way I understood it, wasn't stalking, but rather a certain clingy kind of behavior, right? Going to your work functions, and missing his work functions? After hours stuff? 

If my understanding is right, I think it is a red flag, it's just not what everyone here is making it out to be. 

It was that statement that made me ask: How did your H's divorce go down? Was he abused as a child? Was he raised by a single mom? 

If you could clarify, and maybe answer those questions, we could discuss things further. I'm getting a feeling that your H may have a high Adverse Childhood Experience Score. It would explain many of these things. He may not, it's just a gut feeling.


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

It was a red flag I looked past. And no I wasn't talking about after work events. He literally called in sick or rescheduled DAYS of work -- to come with me if I had to go to see a client (if it was more than an hour away etc).

He wanted to be seen by my clients as he picked me up or dropped me off -- he was scared and consistently continues to be -- that I will meet someone else. I work for a lot of successful people so he thinks it's a threat. So much so -- he lost his ability to judge properly regarding his own work. 

I did actually feel at times that I was being stalked although that's not clearly the case. 



sapientia said:


> How do you people manage to contain paranoia in your own lives if you can't be objective about another person's life that has absolutely no bearing on your own? There are many explanations yet to be explored for what is happening.
> 
> There is no urgency to anyone here. She is not under physical threat. Noone is going to die if brain surgery doesn't happen immediately. Leslie needs to take time to think things through.
> 
> ...


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

My husband was coddled as a child. His family LOVES him to a fault. He was enabled non stop. And continues to be. HIs mother talks to him daily and causes trouble between us because she continues to try to coach him to move in with them. GAG. 

I don't know how they feel about me -- he says they like me.. but then at times he tells me they see me as uptight around them and him. 

His divorce was the result of him marrying after his fiancé got pregnant. Then he worked non stop -- and had 3 kids. When he looked up (he says) he saw a woman he didn't find attractive or a connection with. So he had an emotional affair with their neighbor and he got divorced. (I found out THIS part after we married). 

She's not an attractive woman these days... but she is a very devoted mom and he is not a devoted dad. He hated going to volleyball games etc for his girls. 

As for the emotional affair? That turned into a 2 year relationship immediately after they divorced and she eventually left him for another guy.



Kivlor said:


> This is jumping to a conclusion that has yet to be confirmed. Let's calm down about this before we jump to "stalking". There is zero evidence from OP's post.
> 
> @lesliebrown1967
> 
> ...


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

How long did you date him before you got married?


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## lesliebrown1967 (Aug 12, 2016)

About a year of dating -- but I moved in with him after 4 months after his begging and pleading that I do so.



sapientia said:


> How long did you date him before you got married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This OP is Weirdo567.

Your husband is a dangerous, abusive, controlling man. 

You did forget to mention here that he broke your wrist not all that long ago. 

You have gotten hours of input from the good folks on TAM who have advised you over and over to first no marry them, then to leave him, to open your own account for your own income and on and on.

Please get professional help and leave him. TAM cannot help you.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> About a year of dating -- but I moved in with him after 4 months after his begging and pleading that I do so.


Di he exhibit signs of jealousy and controlling in that time? You know, oh every relationship has kinks to work out... in your mind?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> Di he exhibit signs of jealousy and controlling in that time? You know, oh every relationship has kinks to work out... in your mind?


Yes he did. He was as bad then as he is now if you go by what she wrote under all her other user names.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

lesliebrown1967 said:


> My husband was coddled as a child. His family LOVES him to a fault. He was enabled non stop. And continues to be. HIs mother talks to him daily and causes trouble between us because she continues to try to coach him to move in with them. GAG.
> 
> I don't know how they feel about me -- he says they like me.. but then at times he tells me they see me as uptight around them and him.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the response OP. 

@EleGirl indicates that you are on TAM under another name. And that there is a history of physical abuse. Is that true? If what Ele says is correct, you need to just file D and move on. As a mod Ele has access to info I don't...

If there is some error here... Why does your H's mom want him to move in with them? Are you supposed to move with him? 

Your H has had fidelity issues which cost him his previous marriage, and this is likely fueling his fears. He knows what he has done, and what he was / is capable of and is projecting it onto you. His mistress left him for another guy too, so he is projecting that kind of behavior onto you. Tread carefully here.

FWIW your parents can love you, and still be abusive. You might take a look at this 10 question study (all yes and no questions), and ask yourself how many yeses you know your H had growing up. An ACE Score of 3+ is associated with a ton of psychological and physical issues / risks. The higher the score, the higher the risk.

ETA: Oops, you're banned. Looks like that's the end of that discussion. Go get help. Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kivlor said:


> Thank you for the response OP.
> 
> @EleGirl indicates that you are on TAM under another name. And that there is a history of physical abuse. Is that true? If what Ele says is correct, you need to just file D and move on. As a mod Ele has access to info I don't...
> 
> ...


She has over 65 accounts on TAM, all banned. Yes she has told us that he broke her wrist.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> She has over 65 accounts on TAM, all banned. Yes she has old us that he broke her wrist.


Wow.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> This OP is Weirdo567.


Holy cow. What secret powers do mods have? Do you remember everything?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Crap. I hate being duped.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> Holy cow. What secret powers do mods have? Do you remember everything?


It happens when one becomes a mod...

It's a power up sort of thing that we get in a secret ceremony ... >


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Crap. I hate being duped.


Well she's not really duping people in that she's a real person with a very bad situation. But she will not follow forum rules, keep to one account, etc. And she only tells part of the story each time, like how she left out important details this time.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

How very sad. I hope she gets the help she needs. Kudos to @Nobody Special to call this guy out as a sicko with even part info.


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