# How do you define accountability?



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Long story short, I got trashed on a cruise and cheated on my husband. I didn't tell him and wasn't going to but the guy texted me and that's how he found out. FYI he couldn't go on the cruise with me because he has to plan his vacation a year in advanced and my whole family was going but I decided to go last minute to be with my grandmother who I just found out has terminal breast cancer.

He asked a couple of questions:

"Why did you do it?" and "Why did you lie about it?" I tried my best to own my mistake because no matter what he has done in the past: it's wrong. However, I was honest in my responses. We've had a rough 18 months where he tried to divorce me 3 times. I've never felt so much physical/emotional pain in my life. Even though we've been working through things and they were getting better, it was a little bumpy the two weeks prior and then before we even sailed out he was at a nudey bar with his buddies (normally I wouldn't mind but there have been some sketchy incidences). I was drinking heavily and the subject of my marriage comes up and it snow balled... All the hurt came flooding back, I guess I figured he was doing the same thing (except paying for it) and just gave in. The OM was a few years younger and amazingly good looking...said all the right things...How can I be sooooo stupid?!? I didn't do it just once but twice with this guy!! I hate hate hate myself right now...

His other question about why I didn't tell him the truth when he asked and lied about it?! Uhhh we've been walking on egg shells why the heck would I want to stir up more trouble?! And no matter what he's done to me in the past, I wouldn't wish that pain and hurt on my worst enemy. If anything, it makes me even more of an arsehole because I know how it feels and what it does to the other person. I guess I feel like he is my family... no matter what he's done to me or I to him, we are always connected. There have been days where I can say I hated him, and there are things I will never trust him on but I can not imagine my life with out him. Through it all, I really do love him. How? Why? I'm not sure most days but I do.

I've been reading here, and researching on how to handle this situation and get our relationship back on track. I'm not trying to make up excuses or blame him for my epic mistake but try to explain that I wasn't trying to hurt him, or that I don't love him...I was just drunk, stupid, insecure, and lonely. It felt soooooooo good to be wanted! I knew this guy just wanted to get into my pants but he wasn't creepy about it. He was very affectionate in a sweet way. Affection is not something my husband does well unless sex is involved and this has been very hard for me to accept but trying.

Its said that one must be held accountable for their cheating before you can begin to make amends. How? I don't know what to say or where to begin.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband wants rid of you. Yet when he gets the opportunity to get rid of you, he sorts of gets a version of buyers' remorse?

You have both made mistakes. You both need to own these mistakes and, with the help of a qualified and decent counsellor work toward saving your marriage or ending it in as dignified a way as possible.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Changing my number is impossible.. it's my business phone as I'm self employed. When we first met, we discussed my business and I gave him and others in his group my business card and that is how he got my number.

I'll admit, I was really flattered that he texted me off the ship. I thought I would never see him again and never hear from him not that I cared. I had a llllooonnnggg car ride home so we texted. Mostly casual chit chat.. However, I did tell him that we couldn't talk anymore and that was that. 

My husband decided to get really drunk and send him a threatening message that I didn't know about until OM sent me a screen shot of it. I apologized profusely as we exchanged another 10 texts and I told him to block us both. My husband saw it and it made him even more pi$$ed.

I'm having a difficult time controlling my own frustrations right now. He got really drunk and while I was running an errand, he packed his and our son's stuff and was waiting at the end of the drive way for our son to get home from school. He's 7. Next to my son's booster seat is collection of large swords (sheathed) and rifles that are free to move about. Thank god I pulled up in time and blocked the driveway so he couldn't leave. 

I'm trying to let him heal but at the same time I'm so frustrated! How can he judge me sooo harshly for my actions when I was drunk, when he is here totally smashed and trying to drive off with our son and putting his life in danger?! 

My son's easter play is tomorrow at my mother in law's church. Should I stay home? I really want to go but I don't want to cause drama.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You report the drunk driving incident to the police . A drunken man with rifles and swords? And a child? Not good. At all.

By the way in which country are you?


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

If he left the property I would have but thankfully I was able to calmly talk some sense into him.

I'm in the states.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

foolscotton3 said:


> You cheated because deep down you are a cheater. It wouldn't surprise me if you premeditated on this before setting sail.


You'd really think I'd spend $1300 to go on a cruise to cheat? to get laid? No... not at all. So accountability is letting someone freely assume the worst about you because any correction or input is considered "minimizing" or making "excuses"?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You need to block the other mans number, not the other way around.

In your husband's presence, send him a text. "I am a married woman. My relationship with you was wrong. I am dedicating 100% of myself to my family. Do not contact me again." Hit send. Then block his number. Block him on facebook, MySpace, AOL and everywhere else.

Apologizing to the other man for your husband threatening him was a HUGE no-no. You are supposed to have your husband's back. Apologizing to the guy for your husband was almost as bad as the act itself.

To show him remorse, expose what you did to his family and to yours. Explain what you did (play by play not necessary for them, but necessary for hubby if he wants it) explain you would like their support as the two of you work to rebuild your marriage. This shows him you are willing to swallow your pride for the sake of the marriage.

Your husband clearly has to work on the marriage too. It doesn't sound like he's been all in over the past years. However nothing else can get worked on until the infidellty is understood. Professional counseling for each of you would be best, then marriage counseling when you are at that point.

I hope your grandmother is doing OK.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Hard to believe you actually apologized to that little punk.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Just wondering why you didn't go through with the divorce, at least one of them. I've had a mental rule. 3 strikes and you're out. I guess like baseball. I've broken it. When I have, I paid dearly for my own procrastination.

Seems like your decision to cheat was based around being angry and wanting a bit of revenge, while figuring it would help you to remove any leftover respect and love you felt for him. Is that even close? 

Anyway, just wondering. I don't have to have an answer. You have work to do. If you take it seriously and try to understand, you will be alright. Sucks to read you sort of lowered yourself to his level. Seems like you were quite justified in leaving with no regrets.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Cashybum

If you really love your husband and want to keep your marriage then you need to commit yourself to it.

So does your h.

You both need to set healthy boundaries.

No more tittybars.
No more drinking.
No more fighting or carrying on in front if your son.
The swords and rifles get locked up.
You keep your legs closed.
No more potential divorces for at least one year.
No more lying.
No more texting to strangers.
No more sex with strangers or strippers.

Did I leave anything out?

Oh yes. No more stupid/hurtful decisions by either of you for one year.

Your 7 year old looks more mature than both if you combined.

On a serious note you both need counseling so get it.

Your grandmother is in my prayers as well as your entire family.

Two wrongs don't make it right. Now go show your husband you love him and get yourselves serious about keeping your family together.

HM


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

cashybum said:


> I knew this guy just wanted to get into my pants but he wasn't creepy about it. He was very affectionate in a sweet way. Affection is not something my husband does well unless sex is involved and *this has been very hard for me to accept but trying*.


So both your husband and the OM are good at affection if sex is the goal. Men are more motivated to be nice when it might result in sex. Your husband is a man. Why is this so hard for you to accept? You're making your husband work harder for sex than the OM.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Were you drunk the second time you had sex with the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> So both your husband and the OM are good at affection if sex is the goal.


Pretty much every guy, almost every one I've ever known has this little voice which can be louder in some, like AP's, that says "I think I have a chance with this one. I'll stick with her for a while and see where this goes." I've never known any man to initially attempt to be friends with a woman for the idea of getting married. Yes, in the back of their head, that's the goal for some, but they won't tell her, usually, even when it is. It seems it's always a carrot the AP likes to dangle in front of the donkey so he'll walk toward it. Somehow, it's always just out of reach. I guess that's not in all cases, but many many.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Why oh why, would you take a chance on getting pregnant when you knew the marriage was not good? What do you do for a living? What kind of education do you have? 

Does your husband have a decent job that could support a child? Did you think the child would be fine if any man raised him and his bio father just furnished his side of the process? How will you raise a child on your own? I just don't get this kind of thinking. Even with the system the way it is, you set yourself up to sit around all day, or work your butt off to make it with a child. I'm not against children. I just don't get what the heck you were thinking? 

Is the child your husbands or one of the other men's? You should get a paternity test for your sake and your husband's.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

cashybum said:


> He was at a nudey bar with his buddies (normally I wouldn't mind but there have been some sketchy incidences). All the hurt came flooding back, I guess I figured he was doing the same thing (except paying for it) and just gave in.


By this do you mean that your husband is having sex with prostitutes? Did you warn the OM of this before you had sex with him? You need to contact the OM and tell him to get tested for all STDs. You drunk husband may have sent him a threatening text but what you did could harm the OM in real life.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

cashybum said:


> Changing my number is impossible.. it's my business phone as I'm self employed. When we first met, we discussed my business and I gave him and others in his group my business card and that is how he got my number.
> 
> I'll admit, I was really flattered that he texted me off the ship. I thought I would never see him again and never hear from him not that I cared. I had a llllooonnnggg car ride home so we texted. Mostly casual chit chat.. However, I did tell him that we couldn't talk anymore and that was that.
> leave.
> ...


You seem to be making a most weak willed, half hearted attempt at owning up to your responsibility in this. Not accountable at all.

You realize you committed adultery? The most despicable act you could commit against your husband, then blithely chit-chat text all the way home, to pass the time. (by the way, about as dangerous as driving drunk)

Now you're frustrated that you husband is upset, and getting drunk because YOU cheated on him?

Graywolf nailed your problem. Its OK for OM to be out only to get in your pants, that flatters you. If your husband wants the same, you think you're shortchanged because he didn't fulfill your "needs" more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to report the rifle/sword in incident to the sherrif's office.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

cashybum said:


> We've had a rough 18 months where* he tried to divorce me 3 times.* I've never felt so much physical/emotional pain in my life. Even though we've been working through things and they were getting better, it was a little bumpy the two weeks prior and then before we even sailed out he was at a nudey bar with his buddies (normally I wouldn't mind *but there have been some sketchy incidences*).


Not offering you an excuse but rather a reason. Your husband's above actions lowered your romantic interest in him; hurt and pain aside. We a man is continuously asking for a divorce and hanging around strip joints, he lowers his wife's romantic interest. If his treatment would have been a one time thing, rather than spanning months and years, the hurt and pain would not have been enough to make you cross the line, regardless of your fling's good looks. Tell me I'm wrong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Forest said:


> You seem to be making a most weak willed, half hearted attempt at owning up to your responsibility in this. Not accountable at all.
> 
> You realize you committed adultery? The most despicable act you could commit against your husband, then blithely chit-chat text all the way home, to pass the time. (by the way, about as dangerous as driving drunk)
> 
> ...


And sexual congress with prostitutes gets a pass in what realm of reality?:scratchhead:

They BOTH cheated. They both need to work on what they did, IMO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Not offering you an excuse but rather a reason. Your husband's above actions lowered your romantic interest in him; hurt and pain aside. We a man is continuously asking for a divorce and hanging around strip joints, he lowers his wife's romantic interest. If his treatment would have been a one time thing, rather than spanning months and years, the hurt and pain would not have been enough to make you cross the line, regardless of your fling's good looks. Tell me I'm wrong.


Of course, in reality, OM might have looked like as bag of cheap spanners. But he was there and he was flattering. And available.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I sort of figure, if she had more self-respect, she would not have put up with any of that. There never would have been an affair, not one. She needs to turn him in to the authorities and protect herself. Get away from him. Take a paternity test. It's done. Put a fork in it already. Contact the local domestic violence office at the courthouse and they will guide you. Make the bio father pay for the child and help you take care of him, if possible. Don't do it if he will harm your child, of course. See an attorney and get that divorce agreement worked out, signed and in the judges hands asap. You can work on having better boundaries after you are safe and sound. Your's are different than your husband's and the same in some respects. You can only change you so focus on what you did and not what you think pushed you to do something within your power to choose. All you can ever do in life is make the best choice you can with the opportunities present. Can't blame him for forcing you unless he was there with a weapon or rope to tie you up for the AP. It was your decision long before the affair went physical.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

cashybum said:


> My husband decided to get really drunk and send him a threatening message that I didn't know about until OM sent me a screen shot of it.


Your husband “decided” to get drunk? So you and the OM “decided” to get drunk and have sex? You “decided” to get drunk because you were on a cruise. Your husband “decided” to get drunk because his wife had sex with an OM.



cashybum said:


> I apologized profusely as we exchanged another 10 texts and I told him to block us both. My husband saw it and it made him even more pi$$ed.


In any of those texts from the OM did he express remorse and tell you to “profusely” apologize to your husband for his actions? The texts made it sound like the OM was the injured party more than your husband. 

Maybe that’s why your husband got even more pissed. 

You seem to be cutting the OM a lot of slack. He gets to be nice to you just to get in your pants and its OK (Your husband is bad when he tries the same thing). Your husband sends the OM a mean text and the OM goes to you with proof like a baby running to momma. 

You’re so embarrassed and ashamed of your husband’s actions that you “profusely” apologize to the OM. Should OM be embarrassed and ashamed of his actions?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

cashybum said:


> Long story short, I got trashed on a cruise and *cheated on my husband*. _I didn't tell him and wasn't going to_ but the guy texted me and that's how he found out.


cashybum,

As long as your being Honest with us here...

Was this Cruise the 1st and Only time you have cheated on your husband... EA or PA?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm confused as to why we are suggesting paternity tests?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I'm confused as to why we are suggesting paternity tests?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought she said she was pregnant. I could have made a mistake. The rest is still relevant. STD tests instead?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> And sexual congress with prostitutes gets a pass in what realm of reality?:scratchhead:
> 
> They BOTH cheated. They both need to work on what they did, IMO.


Did they both, really? Here's what she said:

"...it was a little bumpy the two weeks prior and then before we even sailed out he was at a nudey bar with his buddies (normally I wouldn't mind but there have been some sketchy incidences). I was drinking heavily and the subject of my marriage comes up and it snow balled... All the hurt came flooding back, I guess I figured he was doing the same thing (except paying for it) and just gave in."

end quote

Most "nudey" bars in the US steer very clear of prostitution. Its the fast route to jail and lost money for the owners. There are bouncers everywhere to make sure nothing more than a lap dance goes down. No touching the girls. Bad for business. 

Sounds just as likely to be her surmising something; an excuse.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I thought she said she was pregnant. I could have made a mistake. The rest is still relevant. STD tests instead?


Absolutely. Could have missed where she said she is preggers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

cashybum said:


> I tried my best to own my mistake


 A mistake is when you put the wrong gas in your car because you were not paying attention. An error in judgement is when you hire the woman because she is hot over the more qualified fat guy. You cheating and lying is none of those things. If you want to be held accountable, you can start by stop calling it a mistake. 



cashybum said:


> It felt soooooooo good to be wanted! I knew this guy just wanted to get into my pants but he wasn't creepy about it. He was very affectionate in a sweet way. Affection is not something my husband does well unless sex is involved


 You just said that while the other man (OM) made you feel wanted, because unlike your husband who is only affectionate when "sex is involved", the OM was "affectionate in a sweet way" because he "just wanted to get into" your pants. Isn't the OM wanting to get into your pants the same thing as saying that the OM was only affectionate because sex is involved? The OM and your husband are affectionate for the same exact reason, for you to think otherwise is pure fantasy. You were and are in an affair fog. The truth is that you had the affair because affairs feel "soooooooo good". Do not get me wrong, I am not blaming you for enjoying the affair. I am blaming you for not resisting having the affair even though it would be enjoyable. Holding yourself accountable includes acknowledging that fact.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

TRy said:


> A mistake is when you put the wrong gas in your car because you were not paying attention. An error in judgement is when you hire the woman because she is hot over the more qualified fat guy. You cheating and lying is none of those things. If you want to be held accountable, you can start by stop calling it a mistake.
> 
> You just said that while the other man (OM) made you feel wanted, because unlike your husband who is only affectionate when "sex is involved", the OM was "affectionate in a sweet way" because he "just wanted to get into" your pants. Isn't the OM wanting to get into your pants the same thing as saying that the OM was only affectionate because sex is involved? The OM and your husband are affectionate for the same exact reason, for you to think otherwise is pure fantasy. You were and are in an affair fog. The truth is that you had the affair because affairs feel "soooooooo good". Do not get me wrong, I am not blaming you for enjoying the affair. I am blaming you for not resisting having the affair even though it would be enjoyable. Holding yourself accountable includes acknowledging that fact.


...quoted for perfect truth....I like how this is stated. And yes, it does sting a bit since I am the one with an inappropriate young lady friend. But I actually am doing better at holding myself accountable for my own behavior....it starts there.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I've never felt so much physical/emotional pain in my life."

Take your pain and multiply it by several factors....this is what you have inflicted on your BH....now think, and then answer this question for yourself...

Given this much pain, do you think you have come anywhere near close enough in apologizing and taking steps to begin repairing what you have done?

Add in factors that you lied and tried to hide it...and even worse that you apologized to the scumbag POS who helped you destroy your family....and you are not making positive steps....you are digging the grave of your M even deeper.

"I knew this guy just wanted to get into my pants but he wasn't creepy about it. He was very affectionate in a sweet way."

Totally false...and if your BH knows you feel this way it is another huge piece of damage you've inflicted on your M.

ANY man who goes after a married woman is a f*cking scummy POS of the first order....BEYOND just a simple creep.

And do not flatter yourself one bit that he complimented you and showed you affection.

It does not make you unique....he would do the same for ANY married woman he was trying to bang.

You simply got used as a cheap lay by a manipulative sh*tbag.....what is there to feel good about in that?

Frankly.....you really need to wake up to the damage you have done here if you want ANY chance of saving your M.

What you are doing right now is actively hurting your chances of keeping your BH.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

And I fail to see how some people are saying they both cheated....OP certainly never said that.

And OP,

WHY did your BH threaten D three times in the past year?

Did it have anything to do with intimacy in your M?....What I mean is was there friction between you two because you felt he was only ever affectionate with you (in your view) when he wanted sex?

And if that was an issue in this, did you withhold intimacy because of it?

I ask because if this issue IS the source of the D threats and your marital problems over the past year, then you are on EVEN thinner ice as far as saving your M.

If you have ever limited or denied sex to your BH cause this issue upset you, only to then go give it up so easily to a POS stranger simply because he was sweet talking you....then I see only a very small chance he will forgive you and stay in the M.

And that chance will only happen at all if you really start doing everything possible to 'own your sh*t' and heal the damage you have done.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

cashybum said:


> I got trashed on a cruise and cheated on my husband.
> 
> he was at a nudey bar with his buddies (normally I wouldn't mind but there have been some sketchy incidences). I was drinking heavily
> 
> ...


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

thummper said:


> Hard to believe you actually apologized to that little punk.


.......shaking my head ....uncontrollably.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I haven't seen an answer to the question if you were drunk the second time? Not that being drunk is an excuse. 

Also, why exactly would you apologize to your affair partner for your husbands angry message? Talk about a slap in the face for your husband.

Sounds like your priority is really the attention from OM as your actions support OM over your H.

Did you get an STD test? Did you also put your husband's health at risk for an STD?

You want to help him heal and work on the marriage?

Support your husband NOT OM

Block OM's method of contact for you.

Get tested for STDs and share the results with your H.

Find a good marriage counselor.

Be transparent with your H with your accounts and passwords

Be honest- stop lying to him or minimizing details- this is beyond insulting to a BS, offer to take a polygraph.

Ask him what he needs.

Do not report him to the police.

Good luck


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

cashybum said:


> Long story short, I got trashed on a cruise and cheated on my husband. I didn't tell him and wasn't going to but the guy texted me and that's how he found out. FYI he couldn't go on the cruise with me because he has to plan his vacation a year in advanced and my whole family was going but I decided to go last minute to be with my grandmother who I just found out has terminal breast cancer.
> 
> He asked a couple of questions:
> 
> ...


Read what you posted but read it as the girl you were 5 years ago. What does that girl see? Truly being accountable to yourself means that you will not betray those you've made promises to ever again and you will feel guilt for what you've done. But that's only one piece of the puzzle here. The real question is; if you sleep with someone outside of your marriage then what does that say about your marriage? What does that say about how you feel about your husband? The girl (you from 5 years ago) would likely say that means you shouldn't been married to that person.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
To answer your post question, accountability is accepting responsibility for your own actions, the actions of others notwithstanding. You blamed alcohol, loneliness, your H's assumed "wandering", the rocky state of your M, the smooth approach of the OM, longing to be wanted, in other words you blame everything/one except cashybum.

What you are doing is called justifying and it is the opposite of holding yourself accountable. The hard truth of it is that an A is unjustifiable by any means and all of your reasons/excuses are, in fact, not applicable. Now with that said, I sense no real urgency from you for trying to save your M or your family. Therefore, to feign concern is futile and will prove to be of little value in R. So, until you are able to see the situation for what it is and stop looking outside of yourself for reasons/excuses then I would prepare to lose your family as you have known it.

Only when and if the time comes that you can say, in all sincerity and with everyone else's actions aside, look what I have done and realize the gravity of it, will you be prepared to try R. If you have read any of the posts here and thought to yourself, "yeah but what about..." then you are not at a place to R. Good fortune to you and your family.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

No offense cash but how is making your accountability any more of a reason for him to stay married to you? He's miserable with you, your miserable to the point of cheating. You want attention he's not giving you, and you have a drinking problem, how is this a good marriage for either of you?


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Lots of justifying going on. You say it was ALL your BH fault. Bad marriage and a bad husband.

I wonder where I've heard that before?

Oh yeah. Every WS seems to say that initially. Some wake up and take responsibility and have a shot at saving their marriage, and some don't.

Your marriage was not the cause of your affair. If bad marriages caused affairs both partners would cheat. Your husband did not have sex at a nudie bar, things like that rarely happen. 

You cheated because you wanted to cheat. End of story. You felt entitled, OM was attractive, and you thought you could get away with it. So you cheated.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I figured he was doing the same thing (except paying for it)"

Right here is when you justified betraying your H and family.

YOU wanted to believe this so you felt entitled to play with this disgusting POS who was chasing you.

Did you actually have any proof this happened?....or does the evidence you have point to the fact he was hanging out with his friends there? (maybe not the smartest thing to do, BUT MILES from betraying you in actuality)

No you don't...cause if you did you would have mentioned it.

This is pure blameshifting....stop this immediately if you want a chance to save your M and family.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If that stupid kid would have never texted you .......you could have gotten away with this!

Note to all waywards, no matter how far away you are from your loyal spouse and no matter how random the hook up is we always find out.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

cashybum

I will try to explain as gently as possible about accountability. You own your actions and choices, simple as I can put it. You need to own the fact that even though you were drunk it was your choice to have sex. It was your choice to cheat, if you didn't consult your husband first then you can't blame him. Sure, your abilities to make sound decisions is altered when drunk but you knew what he wanted. And you then chose to give it to him. This is on you, if you are responsible then you will hold yourself accountable. Your postings seem to say otherwise, so if I'm wrong please tell me. I'm sure you are regretful that it happened, but I can't say you sound remorseful. 

Your husband had every right to contact your OM since you kept in contact. But your big mistake was then apologizing to your OM. He deserved that from your husband for bedding a married woman. Especially since you knew that is what the OM wanted all along. Apologizing to your husband has now fully emasculated him, he couldn't possibly feel any less of a man. Did you not think about your husband before you apologized? Or are you still attracted to the OM and you felt bad for him? You need to be accountable for apologizing as well. 

I'll ask you the same thing I asked my WW, and keep in mind she hasn't been able to answer this either, why just give yourself away to someone? Do you not respect yourself that you just give away the most important part of you because you were drunk? Or in my wife's case because he gave her compliments? I didn't find it that easy when I was dating, and if I did I certainly wouldn't want to be with them in marriage. This is what is so difficult for me in reconciliation, I have to accept this and move forward. I struggle immensely, as does my WW, but some men just can't get past this. I wonder if this is why your husband wanted to divorce three times already. 

You have some hard work and heavy lifting to do if you wish to remain married to your husband. I question whether you have the strength to do this. I question if your husband has the strength to do this. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

The main thing I'm asking is what can you say? From what you are telling me... you can't say "I'm sorry".... You can't say "Mistake". You're not allow to answer "Why" because it sounds like you're making excuses. We all know communication is good for a marriage but it seems like all these rules don't leave much room for talking..?

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Just to clear a few things up:

*I'm not pregnant... where did that come from?! I have a mirena IUD, and we used a condom. Ya know? I don't even remember if he finished! He was pretty drunk too. Health risks were pretty low.

*I know there is no prostitution in strip clubs it wasn't soley that. Over several years I saw several instances where he was looking up local prostitutes on craigslist and backpage but never had proof until he went to a strip club with a mutual friend and then they decided to actually contact one. They drove to her house and then parked when cops actually pulled up and ran them off sort of.

* The difference between some guy and my husband showing affection to get laid is that my husband rarely showed affection even to get laid! "I wanna do you" doesn't count as affection or texting me to come "talk to him" in bed just isn't.....cutting it.

*I texted the guy back (No I wasn't driving) because I was extremely flattered that this extremely attractive guy who I was certain just wanted to get into my pants even though all his friends and family told me what an awesome guy he is, and just expected to never hear from him again. In a way, it kind of made me feel better that I didn't sleep with a total scum bag.

*I apologized to the guy because it's not his fault! After the stuff people hear about my marriage, most would assume it would be over. He was drunk, single, on vacation...most men would've done the same thing. It's my fault not his or my husband's. Although I didn't think that my husband would be upset for apologizing. That didn't even cross my mind but thank you all for bringing my attention to that so I can address it. 

**** Well we talked about all of this and we are going to try and continue to work things out. Things have slowly been getting better with a few bumps but hopefully things will continue to improve.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cashybum said:


> In a way, it kind of made me feel better that I didn't sleep with a total scum bag.


No, just a guy willing to jump into bed w/ a married woman... and _then_ check in w/ her to see if she's game for more.

What a catch!



cashybum said:


> I apologized to the guy because it's not his fault!


Unless you slipped and fell onto OM's erect penis (twice), he was a willing participant. He's not off the hook for anything.

And besides, you apologizing to him could easily give your husband the impression that your loyalty (even if only a small part of it) lies w/ OM.

As for the rest of it... why are you still married?!?


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

I should mention that the OM lives 2,000 miles away.... there is not "are you game for more?"..


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

cashybum said:


> In a way, it kind of made me feel better that I didn't sleep with a total scum bag.


From a husband's point of view anyone who sleeps with his wife is a scumbag. Any one who sleeps with a woman they know is married is a scumbag.

I suggest you google "How to sleep with a married woman". Click on any of the numerous links that you find and read the step by step guides to see if any of it is familiar. I'm not writing this to hurt you, but I really hope you understand that you're dealing with a scumbag.



> *I apologized to the guy because it's not his fault! After the stuff people hear about my marriage, most would assume it would be over. He was drunk, single, on vacation...most men would've done the same thing.


A married woman, drunk on a cruise, without her husband is an easy mark. Try and remember who brought up the subject of how happy you are in your marriage. My guess would be that it was him. It's all there in the guides. There are people out there that get off on sleeping with another man's wife. From 2,000 miles away he knew there wouldn't be too much blowback from your husband. Your OM was grooming you to continue betraying your husband and yourself. 



> It's my fault not his or my husband's.


See, blaming yourself is good. But so long as you maintain that you slept with a "good guy", you aren't seeing things from your husband's perspective. You're lacking empathy for your husband. Currently you feel regret - I made a terrible mistake - but where you want to get to is *remorse* - I have done a terrible thing to you, my husband.

What you've done has totally emasculated your husband. You have wounded him to his core. It'll take 2-5 years to learn to deal with this. But it will never go away.

In order to get your marriage back on track first thing - knock the booze on the head (both of you). It's a depressant and won't help.

Step 2: Get How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald: 9781450553322: Amazon.com: Books

Read it together. Understand the enormity of what you've done. I suspect right now neither of you really understand what you're both dealing with.

Best of luck to you both.

EDIT: I thought your user name was familiar. I just checked the thread titles of all your threads. Are you sure the two of you want to stay married?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

cashybum said:


> I should mention that the OM lives 2,000 miles away.... there is not "are you game for more?"..


People travel frequently. 2000 miles is just a flight. Some guys will fly around the world for some tail.

Have you texted him yet, with your husband, asking for no contact yet?

What is it you ultimately want?

You seem miserable in your marriage, probably justifiably so. To the point you had a 2NS with some stranger on a boat (not justifiable).

Why not divorce and move on? You are young, no kids. Why live in misery?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Cashybum

If your husband had an affair he wrote an update to clarify things like you did, would you be upset? Look at what you wrote, extremely attractive, friends and family say he is awesome, apologized, flattered. You are defending him in this update!! Where is your empathy towards your husband? How much time did you spend with this guy on the cruise? You didn't think texting him after you got back was inappropriate? From what you have written your affair means more to you then your marriage. Have you described your husband as nicely as you do the OM?

As for two thousand miles away, I can assure you your husband is concerned if two miles or two thousand that you two will try to meet. That's how infidelity works, you panic and fear everything because of the level of pain, devastation, and destruction. I normally don't give advice as I don't feel qualified, but you need to first get a heart, install it, and actually think about what your actions have done to your husband. Maybe ask him how he feels, that you shared yourself to a POS with a POS friends and family who help the POS get laid. You don't think you were played here? They all helped him get you in bed, and you made the MISTAKE and allowed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

cashybum said:


> The main thing I'm asking is what can you say? From what you are telling me... you can't say "I'm sorry".... You can't say "Mistake". You're not allow to answer "Why" because it sounds like you're making excuses. We all know communication is good for a marriage but it seems like all these rules don't leave much room for talking..?


 You can say anything you want to but the only words of relevance are the ones that convey what you actually mean. You are not remorseful nor are you contrite, in fact you even give yourself kudos saying "at least the guy I slept with wasn't a scumbag". Are you proud you bagged a "great guy"? A guy who has alcohol problems and such a lack of integrity so as to have intercourse with another man's wife. Define great guy.

I feel that you have issues with self worth and self esteem. Some "great looking" guy pays you a little attention and you must repay him with the most intimate act a man and a woman can share which, by the way, you have vowed exclusively to your H. What does your word mean to you? What does anything mean to you? I can already hear you thinking "but my husband.....". That is irrelevant. Your H may be a sad excuse for such but it does in no way relieve you from your responsibilities and the vow YOU made.

If your H had posted this then I would be responding to him accordingly but this is your thread and no matter how you want to justify it you have done a horrific thing to your marriage and worse, to yourself because even if your marriage is in shambles a person with honor and integrity would end it and then "play around".

You should consider the value of your word and your self respect so you can be a loyal spouse to your current H or another man if this relationship fails. If not, you will find yourself in this situation over and over again trying justify that which is not justifiable by blaming everyone else but yourself. The statement "I did it because...." only has one true ending and that is "I did it because I wanted to and chose to". Any ending other than that is inaccurate and self serving.

Also, have you considered what the OM thought of you? What a great gal I slept with on that cruise, bagged her almost immediately, she gave it up so easily. A few drinks and a few of my lines and we were hitting the sheets and she was married too, man I pity that poor slob.

Is this really how you want to be in life? Please consider my words carefully. Are you not of much greater worth than this? You can be if you choose to. Good fortune to you in life.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"In a way, it kind of made me feel better that I didn't sleep with a total scum bag."

Sorry to break this to you, cashybum, but your views are still being skewed by the 'warm fuzzy' feelings you have about your A.

And it shows most in your views of this POS.

You also stated that he did what most men would....that is not true.

The ONLY guys I know who would fool around with a woman they knew was M are complete scumbags and pieces of filth.

When you finally take off the rose-colored glasses about this POS and truly see him for what he is, then you may finally start to find a way forward to fixing your M.

If you continue to romanticize the A and this piece of filth....to keep it a fun and exciting memory, justified in part by your BH's many faults and bad behaviors....then you will never truly get what you have done or be able to help your BH and the M heal.

Clear your head and think about what this POS actually did here.

If you have to, think of this hypothetical.

What would you think of your son, if you found out he seduced a drunk, unhappily M woman into a short fling that came out and then threatened to destroy her M and children's family?

Would you be proud of him or think he was being a good guy?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

cashybum said:


> I should mention that the OM lives 2,000 miles away.... there is not "are you game for more?"..


Maybe I missed it, but how did he get your phone number and why?


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