# Do I take a hard line or negotiate with a cheater? Everyone please.



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I believe that a firm response is the best way to stop the affair. Please comment with your stories or examples. This will help those who believe that they know that their situation is different then other spouses being cheated on.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I guess I am not sure what you are asking. Are you asking about dealing with a spouse during a divorce? If you are talking about a cheating partner, trying to get them to stop an affair, my answer is simple. Negotiate? Are you nuts? 

Clearify a little, I'm sure I can add something to the pot.

So how are things with you? Did you try my suggestions?

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Thats exactly what I am saying. Can you negotiate with a cheater to agree to stop. Or should you take a hard line. I believe that when they are cheating the fog is so thick that they will lie to you about anything and everything to keep their affair going. And thats if they love you. If they don't love you. They just cheat and don't care if you are hurting. And then leave you. I know that you lived this coop, and speak from experience.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

serial cheater - non negotiable 
one night stand - negotiable


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

well infor my opion and you know what that is. and has always been since my first post here in the forums is that if you beleive it olny takes one to heal from a very disasterous situation. im currantly at the bottom of the barrel right now and should have thrown the towel in months ago but some strange thing keeps me holding on the only thing i think it can be at this point is love and when its love you will fight till there is no more fight left in you. im far from the end of my rope at this point and can only hope over time that things will work out for the best with or without my wife.

and i say yes nogotiate if you feel in your heart its the best thing for you to do
CPT


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Dealing with a cheating partner is really hard.. and based on my experience, cheaters will always say.. they don't like "at first" what their doing.. that it just happened and got caught to it. So for me it's negotiable, though it has exceptions like what justean said: 

serial cheater - non negotiable

But I think it's harder situation if you're married and your partner cheated on you, there's more risks involved. 
Though, I have some article to share regarding infidelity and how to cope with it. I hope it helps.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well ya I dont know everyone is so differant? I think that for me I had a hard enouph time with him kissing and rubbing A$$ I dont know if I could stay over sex? I dont know? I do know if he does anything again I am gone. I cant handle that. NO WAY no matter how much I love the man.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Yea, I lived it. I knew she was cheating but just kept plugging along hoping things would work out. So I guess in the beginning I was negotiating, giving her space, trying to be a good husband. When I stopped being a doormat and said no more she made her decision and left our life. 

Using my past as a learning experience there will be no negotiating with any one in the future, if I suspect cheating they better be able to prove me wrong or it is over. My vote is for the hard line approach.

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Just to clarify. Cpt confused has tried the negotiation route. No hard lines. Just trying to love her back. And though I have suggested (among others) that he try the hard line, he has not as yet to my knowledge tried it. His wife left around 5 months ago and now lives with the other guy. If I have all my facts straight. Cpt confused. Do you want to elaborate at all?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I don't know if this will help but here it goes.......I was in a 20 plus year marriage and my husband began cheating on me almost three years ago. At first I lived in a world of denial. Next, I tried to negotiate (even though HE denied it). And I had piles of evidence! Finally, when I became so very angry and took a hard line, he moved out. When I took a hard line, I got the label of a "control freak". I have now been in individual counseling for 7 months and have learned a lot. Which approach you take is going to depend on several conditions. One approach doesn't fit all. As I illustrated in my case NO approach worked.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

You don't negotiate, no way! To me that sounds like you are condoning the cheating at least in part. Its the not knowing for sure part that is difficult. But if you confirm it, stop all contact immediatey or get the heck out! I was pretty sure for about 2 months but then he'd through a monkey wrench and I'd think I was just being insecure and this was crazy. That was the hard part. But looking back, the behaviors I did see were unacceptable even if sex had not yet happened (and it had). I should have taken a hard line on those behaviors, but I guess that's the gray area. 

So short answer, confirmed cheating, hard line. You want to cheat, then you don't need to be married. End of story move on. Cheating for the first time, all contact stopped, reconciliation and it can work out. Cheat again, no negotiation, no discussion, get out. 

In our case, when I confirmed it (didn't know sex occurred but saw some photos they exchanged, enough for me!) I called him and told him "our marriage is over, don't bother coming home". That was a Saturday and I was only sorry I couldn't start divorce proceedings until Monday. When I had tried to confront him earlier about some of the inappropriate behaviors, he blamed me said I was reading too much in to it, insecure....basically you CAN'T negotiate. Until I took a hard line, he was in control and playing games, it would still be going on. 

Kicking him out woke him up to the reality that this is not a game and I'm playing by MY rules. There is no doubt in his mind if he does this again (and an EA will absolutely count) there are no second chances. 

Call me harsh if you like, its just that I know if he does it again he's not the man for me, 23 years or not. I deserve better. I also know that I CANNOT do this a second time. I'm simply not capable. The first time has been hell and has taken a physical and mental toll. Also its taken a toll on my kids, they don't know what is going on but they do see how I have been unhappy and kids just know things aren't right. I've lost many more pounds than I needed too...my parents and my boss at work are starting to comment...and I've got a stomach problem now too. So no, I couldn't do this again and he sees what it has done to me so to do it again would mean he simply didn't care that I suffered....


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

I fully agree with AZMOMOFTWO. :iagree:

Whether they are serial cheaters or one time cheaters, they will never wake up and realise that they can't get away with their lies anymore until you put your foot down.

A very large part of cheating is denial. These people are in denial that they are doing something WRONG, and hence they will never be fully honest with their spouse because they can't even be fully honest with themselves. Until you show them that their web of lies can no longer save them, they will continue.

Taking a hard line does not mean you dump them and move on, period. It just means that you demonstrate that you are not going to be a pushover. If that means giving ultimatums, or moving out.. that's fine. Because they need to learn that there are consequences to their actions and they can't squirm their way out of this one.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Healing said:


> Whether they are serial cheaters or one time cheaters, they will never wake up and realise that they can't get away with their lies anymore until you put your foot down.
> .


dont get me wrong i was really hurt when my H had the one night stand, but and i would never cover up for him. but all evidence needs to be weighed up. 
every given serial cheater or one night stand has its reasons or non reasons.

my H did wake up and smell the coffee and has been pretty much a better H and dad . i still have my marital issues, but doesnt everyone. relationships are a working progress.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

yes i will gladly elaborate on my currant situation in hopes it will help someone else. for months i tried loving her,tried like hell but to no avail i was treated like ****. i have since as of febuary 11 of this year cut all contact with her outside of having conversations related to our son ie.. what time do you want me to pick him up? what does he need for school,how HE is doing today? etc....and even though this is a new road and a process for me im still getting the same treat you like **** attitude still lying to me about everything even when shes caught lying although ive caught her doing it i have since stopped talking to it about her ive just tucked it away for safe keeping. i dont let her piss me off anymore.i dont ask her how she is doing i honeslty dont pay her any mind at this point. and im still being treated the same way.makes me wonder if i happen to be a very one of the few stuck in some sort of oddball catch 22? dont know how to respond to much as of late.but i have beguhn to move on with my life.knowing that either way i will be a better person in the end because i know i did everything humanly possible to save my marriage.

CPT


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Glad to hear it. You can be confident that you gave her every opportunity. I think you're right, and NC is the best bet. There are a world of women out there who would see and value your qualities. best of luck.


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## nascarfan (Feb 9, 2009)

I know I have only posted a couple of times but I wanted to share my story.

My DH cheated on me, THE ONLY reason that I am still with him today is because he feesed up to me. I did not find incriminating evidence, no scorned lover called to rat him out. One night he told me we needed to talk, that there was something he needed to tell me that had been eatting him up inside for months. He gave me the details, I blew up, punched him in the face and took off for my best friends house. In the process of getting drunk that night I called the floosey and had it out with her, she has denied it to this day! No one else knew about it, if he had not told me, then I would still be living in ignorant bliss that we "were not that kind of couple". He did everthing I ever asked of him. He regained my trust slowly over time. He did everything. The reason I stayed but because I truely believed and still do that he would not do that again and the reason that I believe that is because HE is the one that came to me and told me, the guilt ate him alive, he could have never said anything and I still would not know. Had I found out because she called and told me or I found out some other way I would be gone in a heart beat.

I think that every situation is diffrent and it all depends on how the cheating person responds to be caught and how hard they are willing to work on fixing the issue. But I also believe that some people are just going to cheat no matter what.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

nascarfan said:


> I know I have only posted a couple of times but I wanted to share my story.
> 
> My DH cheated on me, THE ONLY reason that I am still with him today is because he feesed up to me. I did not find incriminating evidence, no scorned lover called to rat him out. One night he told me we needed to talk, that there was something he needed to tell me that had been eatting him up inside for months. He gave me the details, I blew up, punched him in the face and took off for my best friends house. In the process of getting drunk that night I called the floosey and had it out with her, she has denied it to this day! No one else knew about it, if he had not told me, then I would still be living in ignorant bliss that we "were not that kind of couple". He did everthing I ever asked of him. He regained my trust slowly over time. He did everything. The reason I stayed but because I truely believed and still do that he would not do that again and the reason that I believe that is because HE is the one that came to me and told me, the guilt ate him alive, he could have never said anything and I still would not know. Had I found out because she called and told me or I found out some other way I would be gone in a heart beat.
> 
> I think that every situation is diffrent and it all depends on how the cheating person responds to be caught and how hard they are willing to work on fixing the issue. But I also believe that some people are just going to cheat no matter what.


:smthumbup:

I think you are fortunate, and while still not easy to get over he came to you. I wish my husband had. It would have made it easier to trust him. But I had to find out. 

You punched him? Mine actually told me on the phone (I would not let him come home when I found some photos..he admitted to the affair on the phone) but had he been sitting there I would have done the same. I'm not at all a violent person either... but come face to face with that woman I know I would make an exception.


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## nascarfan (Feb 9, 2009)

D#$% straight I punched him, actually more than once. It was a rage I had never felt before, and neither had he LOL


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I'm not at all a violent person either... but come face to face with that woman I know I would make an exception.





nascarfan said:


> D#$% straight I punched him, actually more than once. It was a rage I had never felt before, and neither had he LOL


wow, you women are great! Those cheaters do sometimes have to taste fist from their partners' they cheated on. 
But mine would be different.. I'd rather bust the windows of his car! :lol:
but he haven't did that to me though.. he's afraid for his car's windows


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

kate_spencer said:


> wow, you women are great! Those cheaters do sometimes have to taste fist from their partners' they cheated on.
> But mine would be different.. I'd rather bust the windows of his car! :lol:
> but he haven't did that to me though.. he's afraid for his car's windows



Ha thats funny I was so pissed when he told me the last bit of info on the oh ya I did rub her butt thing I flipped out and threw the vase of the counter in the bathroom but it didnt freakin break haha! weak I know! Then I wont tell you what I did next its crazy hehe!!!


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## nascarfan (Feb 9, 2009)

kate_spencer said:


> wow, you women are great! Those cheaters do sometimes have to taste fist from their partners' they cheated on.
> But mine would be different.. I'd rather bust the windows of his car! :lol:
> but he haven't did that to me though.. he's afraid for his car's windows




LOL I told mine that if it ever happened again it would not be him it would be his 68 olds 442 right before I walked out the door.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

kate_spencer said:


> wow, you women are great! Those cheaters do sometimes have to taste fist from their partners' they cheated on.
> But mine would be different.. I'd rather bust the windows of his car! :lol:
> but he haven't did that to me though.. he's afraid for his car's windows


I thought about putting his stuff on the lawn and turning on the sprinklers, but didn't want our children to see that.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

sunflower said:


> Ha thats funny I was so pissed when he told me the last bit of info on the oh ya I did rub her butt thing I flipped out and threw the vase of the counter in the bathroom but it didnt freakin break haha! weak I know! Then I wont tell you what I did next its crazy hehe!!!





nascarfan said:


> LOL I told mine that if it ever happened again it would not be him it would be his 68 olds 442 right before I walked out the door.





AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I thought about putting his stuff on the lawn and turning on the sprinklers, but didn't want our children to see that.


I think it's okay for us women to fight back.. and show them what were of capable of, but I think it's juvenile though.  
And I agree AZOMOMOFTWO, your children should not see how you wreck their father's stuff.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Take the hard line no negotiations when it comes to this. why? whats the good in that? you shouldnt have to negotiate with someone to stay and love you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Any more success stories to relate? Or failures for that matter?


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

I believe in bieng firm but loving I think you need to shake the foundation of your mates world so they think twice about what they are doing this is no garantee but it is better that being permissive kicking them out of the house is a good start !!!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree: A firm hand is best.


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