# Infidelity as the impetus for a new relationship



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I thought she made some valid and interesting point. Any thoughts? :nerd:


Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | TED Talk Subtitles and Transcript | TED.com


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have quoted this many times:

_Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage._

Perel is realistic about affairs. I think it was a very good talk.

What points did you think were especially good, OP?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I read her book, mating in captivity, after I found out my ex-wife had an affair to try to understand what happened. Overall, I think she's a brilliant psychologist and has really good insight into the psychology of affairs. Her book helped give me some answers that I don't think my XWW was ever cognizant of. If you liked the TED talk, go read her book. It's well worth it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

She raises some good points, particularly I like the following....

"We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the WS, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential, important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife. But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction is important. The BS needs to hold vigil for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries. It's his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve the BS from the obsession, and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten, and that in itself begins to restore trust."

and 

"Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?"

Successful R is possible, but it takes real remorse from the wayward and the betrayed must be able to forgive and achieve a level of self confidence that can overcome the feelings of inadequacy that come from being betrayed. It's rare that both happen, and if they do, they don't happen quickly.


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