# What do you think about this?



## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

Yesterday we went to the calling hours/memorial service for my great aunt who died last week. She had cancer and had been in a hospice facility for the last 8 months. Her husband was there with another woman who he introduced as his FIANCÉ and they are getting married this spring! My aunt was his 3rd wife, he's divorced from the first, the second also died of cancer and now my aunt. One of the daughters told me he was involved with my aunt before the second wife died as well. This guy is apparently incapable of being alone. Considering he's 88 years old I doubt it's about sex although who knows.

I thought it was incredibly inappropriate to bring his fiancé to his wife's funeral services considering they were still married. But my real question is do others think it is ok to move on to another relationship when a spouse is in hospice and obviously never coming out again? Or if the spouse is maybe not terminal but in permanent residential care with no hope of coming out again (e.g. Alzheimer's or some other condition that requires 24/7 nursing care).

It really bothered me but I'm not sure if maybe that's my own situation coloring my judgement because my husband left me for another woman while I was in the hospital and thought to be terminally ill with only 6-12 months to live.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

I agree with you 100% it's totally disrespectful. Moving on when your wife is on her death bed is bad enough but to bring that person to the funeral shows a total lack of respect. I thought marriage meant until death do us part, clearly not in his mind though.

Perhaps he is lacking something and needs a companion and can't be alone. 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It depends on the situation. Some facing terminal illness or diseases that take their minds give permission for their spouses to seek comfort elsewhere.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's. When she had to be put in a facility for round the clock care she was already at the point where she didn't know anyone and could barely walk or speak at all. She lived about 6 years in that state before she passed. My grandfather dated a younger woman while grandmother was in the facility. He even brought her to Thanksgiving dinner. We all understood that Grandma wasn't aware of reality any longer and that her personality was gone forever. All that remained was a shell. So, we didn't begrudge Grandpa his companion.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hellomynameis said:


> Yesterday we went to the calling hours/memorial service for my great aunt who died last week. She had cancer and had been in a hospice facility for the last 8 months. *Her husband was there with another woman who he introduced as his FIANCÉ *and they are getting married this spring! My aunt was his 3rd wife, he's divorced from the first, the second also died of cancer and now my aunt. One of the daughters told me he was involved with my aunt before the second wife died as well. This guy is apparently incapable of being alone. Considering he's 88 years old I doubt it's about sex although who knows.
> 
> I thought it was incredibly inappropriate to bring his fiancé to his wife's funeral services considering they were still married. But my real question is do others think it is ok to move on to another relationship when a spouse is in hospice and obviously never coming out again? Or if the spouse is maybe not terminal but in permanent residential care with no hope of coming out again (e.g. Alzheimer's or some other condition that requires 24/7 nursing care).
> 
> It really bothered me but I'm not sure if maybe that's my own situation coloring my judgement because my husband left me for another woman while I was in the hospital and thought to be terminally ill with only 6-12 months to live.


The bolded is tacky, OP. No wonder you were taken aback by it.

Moving on while an ill spouse is still alive may be understandable, but I do not find it very inspiring. 

And sorry for your loss.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Hellomynameis said:


> Yesterday we went to the calling hours/memorial service for my great aunt who died last week. She had cancer and had been in a hospice facility for the last 8 months. Her husband was there with another woman who he introduced as his FIANCÉ and they are getting married this spring! My aunt was his 3rd wife, he's divorced from the first, the second also died of cancer and now my aunt. One of the daughters told me he was involved with my aunt before the second wife died as well. This guy is apparently incapable of being alone. Considering he's 88 years old I doubt it's about sex although who knows.
> 
> I thought it was incredibly inappropriate to bring his fiancé to his wife's funeral services considering they were still married. But my real question is do others think it is ok to move on to another relationship when a spouse is in hospice and obviously never coming out again? Or if the spouse is maybe not terminal but in permanent residential care with no hope of coming out again (e.g. Alzheimer's or some other condition that requires 24/7 nursing care).
> 
> It really bothered me but I'm not sure if maybe that's my own situation coloring my judgement because my husband left me for another woman while I was in the hospital and thought to be terminally ill with only 6-12 months to live.


This is a tricky one. Generally, one needs to respect boundaries. However there are no hard and fast rules as things in life are complicated...Being 88 years old, he probably needed a companion to hold his hand through the difficult time. And who knows, perhaps his late wife would have wanted for him to have a friend.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Hellomynameis said:


> Yesterday we went to the calling hours/memorial service for my great aunt who died last week. She had cancer and had been in a hospice facility for the last 8 months. Her husband was there with another woman who he introduced as his FIANCÉ and they are getting married this spring! My aunt was his 3rd wife, he's divorced from the first, the second also died of cancer and now my aunt. One of the daughters told me he was involved with my aunt before the second wife died as well. This guy is apparently incapable of being alone. Considering he's 88 years old I doubt it's about sex although who knows.
> 
> I thought it was incredibly inappropriate to bring his fiancé to his wife's funeral services considering they were still married. But my real question is do others think it is ok to move on to another relationship when a spouse is in hospice and obviously never coming out again? Or if the spouse is maybe not terminal but in permanent residential care with no hope of coming out again (e.g. Alzheimer's or some other condition that requires 24/7 nursing care).
> 
> It really bothered me but I'm not sure if maybe that's my own situation coloring my judgement because my husband left me for another woman while I was in the hospital and thought to be terminally ill with only 6-12 months to live.


*Totally uncalled for and ultra-disrespectful! 

Even for an 88 year old man and despite the rather sad fact that his mind might be going! 

IMHO, someone in the family should have immediately and discretely called him out on it!*


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Totally uncalled for and ultra-disrespectful!
> 
> Even for an 88 year old man and despite the rather sad fact that his mind might be going!
> 
> IMHO, someone in the family should have immediately and discretely called him out on it!*


I think his family is used to it. This will be his 4th marriage and from the sounds of it he's had his new wife lined up before the previous one was out of the picture every time. His daughter also told me she has illegitimate half siblings all over the east coast, apparently the guy used to travel a lot for his job. So it's pretty evident at least some of it is an inability to keep his pants on. Just like my STBX who has had OWs on his OWs.

I just can't wrap my head around the cheating on an ill spouse. I know it's rare, but what happens when the spouse recovers rather than dying - like me? My STBX was an ******* about it and went so far as to tell me he wished I had died because my surviving inconvenienced him. But what if you still had feelings for your spouse and they still had feelings for you? If you stay married, you both have to live with the cheating between you. And if you choose the AP, how is the BS going to feel knowing you were screwing around with someone else while they were fighting for their very life and quite likely desperately needed your 100% commitment to them during that time?


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

What a sh1t head your uncle is. He makes sure he always has a well to dip his pen in.

Very selfish.

I hope no one goes to "his" funeral.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

ulyssesheart said:


> What a sh1t head your uncle is. He makes sure he always has a well to dip his pen in.
> 
> Very selfish.
> 
> I hope no one goes to "his" funeral.


Actually the minute my aunt died he ceased to be related to me in any way 😬


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

ulyssesheart said:


> Very selfish.


Indeed... but very patterned it seems.

We lose our path this way when vedana (feelings and sensations) are taken over by kilesa (mental impurities and defilements) and leave the anusaya, this pile of poor decisions that are repeated time and time again.

Too often we are at it's beck and call, forgetting who the true master is.

Apparently, he has become adept at being mastered... who knows if he has become adept at being happy, that is an assessment best taken from a hilltop many have not or don't walk up, yet discuss knowing the difficulty of the climb.

I too am sorry for your loss...


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Indeed... but very patterned it seems.
> 
> We lose our path this way when vedana (feelings and sensations) are taken over by kilesa (mental impurities and defilements) and leave the anusaya, this pile of poor decisions that are repeated time and time again.
> 
> ...


Yes, mastered by his lower half. As I bolded your' words above, these carnal and consuming feelings are often bolded in man and in women.

I am guilty. I prefer Carnal over Caramel. Caramel rots your teeth, Carnal rots your soul. Such..this, these acted-on feelings are self-limiting, forcing a locked-in-place non-evolving soul.

The wheel does not turn for me. ;-}


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

the wife of my pastor growing up developed a terminal illness. she was only given a a few months to live, but she survived another ten years. in the mean time, she arranged for the woman who became his next wife, whom he is still married to. 

she was a widow from their church, and was her best friend. they have never had anything but fond things to say to say about his late wife. they both missed her dearly. 

when she died, everyone already knew that he intended to marry his current wife almost immediately. his dying wife had made sure that everyone knew that was their plan so that people would be accepting of it. 

they have been married for about 20 years now.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

A wonderfully compassionate and giving story full of understanding As'laDain... it takes incredible mettle to walk such a path.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

As'laDain said:


> the wife of my pastor growing up developed a terminal illness. she was only given a a few months to live, but she survived another ten years. in the mean time, she arranged for the woman who became his next wife, whom he is still married to.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Frankly a lot of the changes I've pushed upon my W (clothing, attitudes toward sex, making herself a priority) were started because I got a cancer diagnosis and I wanted her more "marketable" do she had more options once I passed. It's difficult for many women to transition from mom to woman - particularly with kids still in grade school and middle school - but I realize guys immediately exclude women based on appearance. And I want others to see how amazing she is

The treatment options are improving so I may be around much longer and if so, I'll be the beneficiary of the improved W. But if not, I'll have eased the transition somewhat.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

There's a big difference between agreeing to allow your spouse to move on when you know you are dying, and your spouse moving on without your permission and maybe not even your knowledge. As far as I'm concerned the latter is cheating. And if it takes away from your ability to give your dying spouse the support they need that's even worse.

I'm sorry I guess this whole thing is really triggering me. Hits way too close to home.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hellomynameis said:


> Yesterday we went to the calling hours/memorial service for my great aunt who died last week. She had cancer and had been in a hospice facility for the last 8 months. Her husband was there with another woman who he introduced as his FIANCÉ and they are getting married this spring! My aunt was his 3rd wife, he's divorced from the first, the second also died of cancer and now my aunt. One of the daughters told me he was involved with my aunt before the second wife died as well. This guy is apparently incapable of being alone. Considering he's 88 years old I doubt it's about sex although who knows.
> 
> I thought it was incredibly inappropriate to bring his fiancé to his wife's funeral services considering they were still married. But my real question is do others think it is ok to move on to another relationship when a spouse is in hospice and obviously never coming out again? Or if the spouse is maybe not terminal but in permanent residential care with no hope of coming out again (e.g. Alzheimer's or some other condition that requires 24/7 nursing care).
> 
> It really bothered me but I'm not sure if maybe that's my own situation coloring my judgement because my husband left me for another woman while I was in the hospital and thought to be terminally ill with only 6-12 months to live.


Not going to comment on getting involved with someone when you're spouse is terminal or non functional, Alzheimer's, but he has less class than a bleeding hemorrhoid for bringing his new woman to his wife's funeral.

I'd be tempted to give the old idiot a good knot on his noggin.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hellomynameis said:


> Yesterday we went to the calling hours/memorial service for my great aunt who died last week. She had cancer and had been in a hospice facility for the last 8 months. Her husband was there with another woman who he introduced as his FIANCÉ and they are getting married this spring! My aunt was his 3rd wife, he's divorced from the first, the second also died of cancer and now my aunt. One of the daughters told me he was involved with my aunt before the second wife died as well. This guy is apparently incapable of being alone. Considering he's 88 years old I doubt it's about sex although who knows.
> 
> I thought it was incredibly inappropriate to bring his fiancé to his wife's funeral services considering they were still married. But my real question is do others think it is ok to move on to another relationship when a spouse is in hospice and obviously never coming out again? Or if the spouse is maybe not terminal but in permanent residential care with no hope of coming out again (e.g. Alzheimer's or some other condition that requires 24/7 nursing care).
> 
> It really bothered me but I'm not sure if maybe that's my own situation coloring my judgement because my husband left me for another woman while I was in the hospital and thought to be terminally ill with only 6-12 months to live.


I try to be understanding when people are going through hardships that I have not gone through. I haven't lost my wife (thank god) and I'm not yet 88. But YOUR AUNT DESERVED BETTER than to have her husband's new fiance at her funeral. I would have been upset as well. This is a tough one Hello because at 88 years old it's hard to know who he was at 28, 38, 48, etc and it's hard for me to imagine what 88 feels like. That being said, I think he was disrespectful to your great aunt and I wish he had known better or cared more whichever is the case.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Hellomynameis said:


> There's a big difference between agreeing to allow your spouse to move on when you know you are dying, and your spouse moving on without your permission and maybe not even your knowledge. As far as I'm concerned the latter is cheating. And if it takes away from your ability to give your dying spouse the support they need that's even worse.


And you are agreed with...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Let it slide. He's 88. He buried two wives.

Does he have any kids? He probably doesn't want to die alone.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Let it slide. He's 88. He buried two wives.
> 
> Does he have any kids? He probably doesn't want to die alone.


According to his oldest daughter he has 4 legitimate kids from the first wife all of whom are in their 60s. She says so far they have identified 6 illegitimate half-siblings the youngest of whom is only in his 20s. And those are only the ones where the mother's have come after him for child support.

Apparently his only son is even worse. On his 3rd wife, multiple kids with multiple women, and his own family won't have anything to do with him anymore because he has a problem keeping his hands to himself especially with teenage girls. Would seem that daddy taught him well.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ugh. The new woman is hardly the problem. The fact that he's a lech is the real issue.


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

OP... I don't think what your Aunt's H did was OK. At all. I don't care how hard it is to watch someone you love slowly die blah blah blah... (and yes, I have had experience supporting family member's dying of cancer)... it's nowhere near anything the person who is actually SUFFERING from the disease is going through. And as their mother, father, daughter, son, sister, brother or spouse, you just do what you gotta do. You be there. And yes, it's absolutely exhausting and draining. But it's also an absolute privilege.

And if it's your spouse, you move on AFTER they are dead and buried. 

The problem OP is that people are too f***ing selfish. 

The only situation where I think it is even remotely OK is in cases like @MJJEAN where the spouse has Alzheimer's/Dementia. In that instance, the sufferer is physically, emotionally and psychologically incapacitated.


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Not going to comment on getting involved with someone when you're spouse is terminal or non functional, Alzheimer's, but he has less class than a bleeding hemorrhoid for bringing his new woman to his wife's funeral.
> 
> I'd be tempted to give the old idiot a good knot on his noggin.


This ^^ X1000


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Does he have any kids?


LMAO. You must have missed the post where the OP talks about this piece of sh*t having MANY illegitimate kids all up and down the east coast.

Guess Mr. Studly kept busy with the ladies even when his wives WEREN'T dying.

Well OP, you can scrape this excrement off your shoe since he's not blood related. That's a blessing.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LMAO. You must have missed the post where the OP talks about this piece of sh*t having MANY illegitimate kids all up and down the east coast.
> 
> Guess Mr. Studly kept busy with the ladies even when his wives WEREN'T dying.
> 
> Well OP, you can scrape this excrement off your shoe since he's not blood related. That's a blessing.




No I didn't. OP posted about the many kids in response to my question.


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