# hubby not working



## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. For almost 3 years he has been out of work. He is 60 years old. I have never badgered him, pushed him, belittled him for not having a job because I new he was really trying. Up till now. He is 60 years old, and has been sitting on the couch day in and day out lately. 
My mother has been keeping us afloat with our morgage. If it hadn't been for her, we would have lost the house years ago.
I am a sales associate, so you know my paycheck doesn't go very far. Im 54 years old by the way. 
I have been in charge of our finances. Paying the bills, making sure our check book is in order.(no bounced checks) But I can't pay all the bills all at once. The utility department is threatening to shut off our water(again). I have been really struggling to pay the bills.
My husband has been getting his retirement check from the National Guard. But he puts it in his savings account, and makes little effort to help the household finanances. He seems to resent having to do so. You know, its MY MONEY.
He keeps bringing up that 15 years ago, I took a break from working. It wasn't a joint decission. I just stopped working for a couple of years. I felt like I really needed a break, so I stayed home and cared for the household. No children by the way. At the time my husband was able to support both of us. I told him that it was a different economy, and his pay was good, so we did allright. I didn't realize he resented me that much for staying home.
Yesterday I told him that I had had it!! I needed help to pay the bills. That I couldn't keep struggling to pay the bills myself, and thats when he threw not working in my face. I don't know what to do. Im on the verge of asking for a divorce.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

bab123 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 25 years. For almost 3 years he has been out of work. He is 60 years old. I have never badgered him, pushed him, belittled him for not having a job because I new he was really trying. Up till now. He is 60 years old, and has been sitting on the couch day in and day out lately.
> I am young enough to be your child and I have been through my then fiance out of the work for a year. We had to have a very small and cheap wedding because of the recession. It was very, very hard but it strengthened us as a couple. I feel bad for you that your husband is not trying. Bear in mind that he might be depressed and tired of the disappointing job search. Your husband may also just be work weary because of his age; he is no longer a young man.
> 
> 
> ...


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Wow!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a horrible year in 2008 when everything crashed too. It's very hard to crawl your way back up.
I agree with the downsize idea. Do you really need a house? That mortgage money could be used better. I know it's hard, but can you try to sell/rent it?

This is where I get confused. I think he is throwing the staying home thing in your face because at 60 he is having a hard time finding work and he doesn't want to admit it. But what does the fact that you stayed home have to do with money he is putting in his savings account?

He can stay home but at least give you money to pay the bills. I don't get it.

Be firm. Tell him these are the bills and you are done paying for all of them. If he wants to eat and use water/lights etc then he needs to contribute. Otherwise he needs to stock up on candles and water bottles!


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Thanks guys for responding. We live in a little 1 bedroom bungalo. Our mortgage is 750.00 dollars a month. I am going to see what he says about selling the house. The problem is, thats probably a whole heck of a lot less than what we would pay for an apartment, and we would have to find one that is pet friendly. I agree that something is going on with his head. The job searches that are a dead end would be very discouraging, and depressing. All this has taken a toll on our marriage. Its made me feel differently about my husband. Its sad too because up till about 2 years ago, I was happy and content with our marriage. Loved my husband very much. I was so proud of the fact that my husband and I would be making it to our milestone 25th anniversary, when so many couples don't even make it that far. But now, I just don't know. We were going to a marriage counselor for a while but stopped when we couldn't afford it any longer. Don't know if our marriage is going to get through this intact.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Down Miami way the yentas call their husband's retirement 'the curse'. And when they get a part time job later, it's 'the blessing'.

Man's gotta do something. Anything. People aren't built to sit around and mope. Kick his ass to get up and do something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One, help him find a place to volunteer at. Start with the local Chamber of Commerce - they always need experienced men to help young'ns get off their feet. He needs the ego boost.

Two, take a leap of faith and set up and hand over the bills to him. YOU work, HE doesn't, so HE should be taking care of bills. Period.

Three, what are you doing to insert love and spontaneity into your marriage? You have to WORK at it, ok? Make it a marriage worth saving. For both of you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> One, help him find a place to volunteer at. Start with the local Chamber of Commerce -


My husband and I always say

GMTA (great minds think alike)
ASDW (and so do we)

That is EXACTLY what I was about to say.



> they always need experienced men to help young'ns get off their feet. He needs the ego boost.


AND it looks good to employers.



> Two, take a leap of faith and set up and hand over the bills to him. YOU work, HE doesn't, so HE should be taking care of bills. Period.


Why? That advice makes no sense.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because he's not aware of where the money goes, he doesn't have a voice in how to manage their money, and it will get him motivated to get out and find a job.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Because he's not aware of where the money goes, he doesn't have a voice in how to manage their money, and it will get him motivated to get out and find a job.


Ah. Gotcha. That makes sense. There will be some pain in the beginning when .... **** hits the fan.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yeah, don't sell. . .you won't do any better at $750/month, unless, UNLESS, you have a good amoutn of equity you can cash out and then rent but then you are really chewing away at your principal so beware of that.

Your husband takes his retirement money and puts it in savings? What do you mean savings? A retirement account? Or just a vanilla savings account?

So, your mother has to drain her savings while your husband inflates his? That's about the most plumb stupid thing I have ever heard of and you can have him come on this forum and show his thread that I said that and that he needs a Generation X person like myself to shove a foot up his Baby Boomer Rumpus.

Your mother needs to cut you off first and foremost and this is what savings is for, honey. . .rainy days. IF this is an emergency fund, than you have to tap it for that. If it's retirement, well ,I believe you can withdraw from an IRA at 59 and a half anyway.

This sounds like a control issue that needs to be confronted head on.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh, and I'm sorry. . .my Opinionated Self here speaking. . .get rid of the pet too.

I hate, I HATE when I hear hard luck stories from my patients and then they have an audacity to tell me about their pets.

I had an old lady who used to be a regular patient of mine. She got some cheap HMO supplemental insurance from her Medicare and she ended up having a balance bill at my office. Not much. . .maybe $200.

SHe threw A FIT about how she has to cancel her trip to Florida and not see her family, blah, blah. I write off her bill and then she tells me how her doggie needed $100 and some dollars in vet bills.

"Get the h*ll out here!" is what I said.

I'll tell you. . .when it comes to people's own health, they'll hold onto 5's and 10's with a firm death grip. . .when it comes to pets (especially Horse/Money Pits), they'll let the 50's and the 100's fly like a drunk sailor in Atlantic City for the weekend.

Sorry. .. no sympathy for people with financial problems with pets.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

The Annual Cost of Pet Ownership: Can You Afford a Furry Friend?

I think this is actually a Conservative estimate: $100/month.

So, let me get this straight. . .your mother pays you $750/month for your mortgage but $100/month per pet goes out (how many do you own?) in household expenses and your husband pockets his National Guard check?

See why you really don't need a liberal, coffee-drinking, brown suit wearing, psychobabblist? You actually need a no-nonsense financial advisor like Suze Orman or Dave Ramsey to set you BOTH right in your screwball, financially dysfunctional ways.

I don't want to hear any forum member give me the Laura Ingall's "Ohhhhhh Pawwwwww. . .do we have to get rid of the dog?" tears either. 

Crying like Half Pint won't work.

Neither will the Little House on the Prarie Violin music.

If it's the Dog or the House, Paw has to take the dog away to a neighbor.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bab123 said:


> Thanks guys for responding. We live in a little 1 bedroom bungalo. Our mortgage is 750.00 dollars a month. I am going to see what he says about selling the house. The problem is, thats probably a whole heck of a lot less than what we would pay for an apartment, and we would have to find one that is pet friendly. I agree that something is going on with his head. The job searches that are a dead end would be very discouraging, and depressing. All this has taken a toll on our marriage. Its made me feel differently about my husband. Its sad too because up till about 2 years ago, I was happy and content with our marriage. Loved my husband very much. I was so proud of the fact that my husband and I would be making it to our milestone 25th anniversary, when so many couples don't even make it that far. But now, I just don't know. We were going to a marriage counselor for a while but stopped when we couldn't afford it any longer. Don't know if our marriage is going to get through this intact.


When he does work, what has he done? What is his line of work?

The economy is bad. Being in your 50s makes it very difficult to get work. Much younger folks are generally screening for jobs. It is rare for them despite qualifications to go after folks in their 50s. Many companies actively clear out 50+.

Now lets make that a 6 instead of a five who has not held a job in three years. 

I do agree he needs to get moving. A good idea about volunteering. I have hired a good number of folks in my career and even with a bad economy you have to show activity. If not working for profit, then education, if not that then volunteering. Something.

Traditionally men get their self worth from thier work and supporting their family. He has given up. I don't know your situation but I am guessing you are all he has left. Tough love needed here.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Now. . .how about the fatherly Scannerguard play a song on his fiddle for TAM and then I sit on my rocking chair by the fire and take a few puffs of tobacco on my pipe? I hear Mrs. Olsen was up to no good again in town.

Maw made some strawberry pie..

And the critters sleep out in the barn. Not in the house.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Scannerguard, I don't find your comments at all helpful, and I wish you would just keep them to yourself.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

My husband was a cook for 35 years. After that he worked for 3 years at the same department store that I do untill he was fired. He now works on and off for a company that does security for events. At the end of October, he will be getting ready to go to work for UPS as a drivers helper. Which he has done for the past 4 years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bab, did you consider the advice I gave you?


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Tunera, yes I have. My husband needs to get out and do something even volunteering. As to handing him over the bills, NO! He has seen my paychecks, he sees what bills I pay or can't pay. He knows were the money goes because I make sure he does. Scannerguard is right about one thing and that is my husband has always had control issues.
When it comes to his National Guard retirement checks, and what little money he gets when he does go to work, its my money, your money. I see it as OUR money. He does not put money regularly from his savings into our checking. I don't even know exactly how much he gets in his retirement checks. He won't tell me, and when I did ask again he just hemmed and hawed. I don't hide my paychecks amounts from my husband, so you really expect me to hand over the checking account to him!?
As to the love and spontaneity, Im not feeling it right now. Doesn't mean it will never again. Who knows, time will tell I guess, and Im just being honest.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you willing to enact a boundary about this?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I hate, I HATE when I hear hard luck stories from my patients and then they have an audacity to tell me about their pets.
> 
> I had an old lady who used to be a regular patient of mine. She got some cheap HMO supplemental insurance from her Medicare and she ended up having a balance bill at my office. Not much. . .maybe $200.
> 
> ...


I am so with you. I had a parent who was always late with her day care payment. She smoked a pack a day. It made me insane. You can pay for your smokes, but not for your childcare??!!?? (And in her case acrylic fingernails.)

I told her I needed payment IN CASH the Friday before the week of care or don't bother bringing in the kids.




> Sorry. .. no sympathy for people with financial problems with pets.


Or smoking or acrylic fingernails.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

I never have had my nails done, have my hair styled maybe every 2 or 3 months, and I have health insurance through my employer. Would you please get off the friggin pet thing? Two of our cats are 11 years old, and the other is 8 or 9. So they are seniors, but in good health. I don't like being made to feel bad just because you think I should take them to the vet and have them put down. I have never thought of them as a burden. I have thought of them as our responsibility. Just like your children are your responsibility.
Now let me make myself clear. I AM NOT EQUATING THEM WITH HUMAN BEINGS!!! I am saying we are responsible for there health and well being of these living creatures till the day they pass on. Not only that we love them very much. I don't want to hear one more word about our pets. 
Turnera, what kind of boundary are you talking about?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We men are what we do. Like it or not. A man w/o a job is half a man. Call me old school but anything is better than nothing. A man's got to work.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> We men are what we do. Like it or not. A man w/o a job is half a man. Call me old school but anything is better than nothing. A man's got to work.


I tended to agree with you -- until January 2010.

I was off work for almost 18 months. Never, ever, ever, had a situation like this since I got out of high school in the mid-70s.

I was applying to a minimum of 10 places every day. EVERY DAY.

I only got a few nibbles during all that time and finally got a contract IT job.

I drained off the savings of many years to keep afloat. I won't be able to do that again.

Upshot, these times are like no other time of high unemployment since the 1930s. And many of the jobs that dried up? They are not coming back. They have gone offshore or just died out.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I don't want to hear one more word about our pets.


Deal!

And in exchange, I don't want to hear one more word about your financial problems.

It's settled.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

michzz said:


> Upshot, these times are like no other time of high unemployment since the 1930s. And many of the jobs that dried up? They are not coming back. They have gone offshore or just died out.


Well then you're familiar with the early 80's mid 80's late 80's, 1999, 2001, 2006 and so on. Anyway, you're right. If those jobs are gone then pursuing them is not rational. It's a waste of time. Time for those people looking to shift direction and change careers possibly.

Full disclosure. I am involved in the outsourcing business particularly from the contract cost and compliance perspective.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Yikers!!! Kinda one of those “just going to poke my head in to see if the coast is clear” situations in here.

The US economy is in bad shape. The ripple effect from that is causing many marriages to struggle as well.

For the record, I would like to state that ownership of pets can be a wonderful feeling. And yes, there is also a time you may need to separate from them. 

For the first time in many years, I find myself no longer being amongst the horse owner crowd. I made that decision one year after my divorce. For a person who hates to cry, I will tell you that it was an exceptionally teary parting for me. Financially, it was the correct choice for me (& my son). I don’t regret giving up my horses. Any regrets/resentment would be the position I was in, collateral damage of the divorce, and needing to give them up. 

I have many friends who still have horses. As my luck would have it, those darn horse owners tend to have more than we can possibly ride ourselves on a regular basis. :smthumbup: My friends also know that I’m just a phone call away if they need assistance or a quick helping hand with their horses. It helps to fill the gap which is there from no longer owning horses myself.

Financial times are tough and we must do what we have to do if we are going to survive.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> Well then you're familiar with the early 80's mid 80's late 80's, 1999, 2001, 2006 and so on. Anyway, you're right. If those jobs are gone then pursuing them is not rational. It's a waste of time. Time for those people looking to shift direction and change careers possibly.
> 
> Full disclosure. I am involved in the outsourcing business particularly from the contract cost and compliance perspective.


In my situation, I plunked down some money to get current in mobile app development. It was the right move -- for now.

The problem is that for most people, there are no good jobs to pursue that replicate the lifestyle they had when employed.

The real choice is a distinct downshift out of middle class living.

It's easy to say just go get any job, you're a man if you do.

Would you want to go from $100k+ to working at Macdonalds?

I also do not think people realize how pervasive outsourcing has become. Every facet of American life is impacted. We're descending into being a third world country because of it. Only when we've bottomed out in wages equivalent to places like india, Bulgaria, etc., will the meager wage existence return to the USA.

Add in the stripping away of benefits from those who still have a job and we're in for a tough ride as a nation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bab, a boundary is something you decide YOU have to live with and won't live without. For instance, respect, or honesty, or not yelling at you. In your case, YOU seem to be suffering from an overload of financial responsibility while your husband hides away HIS money and disallows you access to, or even knowledge of, it.

To me, this is blatantly unfair and dangerous to the well-being of a marriage. It's no different from those families where the woman works and spends her own money on herself, yet expect the husband's work money to be spent on her as well.

And obviously it's an issue to you. Therefore, it's harming your marriage, whether your husband wants to acknowledge it, and whether YOU want to make it an issue. It's harming your marriage. So it needs to get addressed.

A boundary is something YOU do when YOUR "what I won't accept" is crossed. In this situation it could take many forms, but I'd recommend you start small if you're worried about his reaction. 

Maybe..."Honey, since you feel you can't share your retirement info with me, I'm going to start my own savings account, too." [not specifically asking him to change but making a point that you're not pleased and you will take action]

Now, if your relationship is stronger than that, I'd recommend you go for the meat: 
[statement of problem]"Husband, it upsets me that you give me no access to your retirement fund. I have no intention of spending it, but the fact that you withhold the information makes me feel disrespected and unequal in your eyes. I need you to share this with me. 
[pointing out need to change] If you can't, then I'll have to take actions to make myself feel more secure about my future, since I can't trust that you have my best interests at heart. 
[your boundary that you enact to protect yourself from his choices] So I'm going to start my own savings account, and part of the money I was spending on our JOINT BILLS, I'm going to start putting it in a savings account. I'm counting on you helping me to find a way to pay those bills I'll no longer be paying. 
[asking him to help you find a solution so you don't have to use that boundary] What are your ideas?"

Mind, never speak a boundary if you're not willing to back it up.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No you're right times are tough. One thing that completely shocked me though was the course catalog of my local community college. 90% is job skills related and it's more current and modern that most state universities. I was floored at the options.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> No you're right times are tough. One thing that completely shocked me though was the course catalog of my local community college. 90% is job skills related and it's more current and modern that most state universities. I was floored at the options.


They've always been more practical skill oriented.

BTW, here is a good read on this situation:

Chronic unemployment worse than Great Depression - CBS Evening News - CBS News


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> No you're right times are tough. One thing that completely shocked me though was the course catalog of my local community college. 90% is job skills related and it's more current and modern that most state universities. I was floored at the options.


 And the price! I tried to go back for a second BA last year, but couldn't afford $4000/semester for one class/semester! Last week, we signed DD20 up for 3 summer classes at the local community college, and it was $548 for THREE! 

I wish I could get a degree there...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> We men are what we do. Like it or not. A man w/o a job is half a man. Call me old school but anything is better than nothing. A man's got to work.


:iagree:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

bab123 said:


> Thanks guys for responding. We live in a little 1 bedroom bungalo. Our mortgage is 750.00 dollars a month. I am going to see what he says about selling the house. The problem is, thats probably a whole heck of a lot less than what we would pay for an apartment, and we would have to find one that is pet friendly. I agree that something is going on with his head. The job searches that are a dead end would be very discouraging, and depressing. All this has taken a toll on our marriage. Its made me feel differently about my husband. Its sad too because up till about 2 years ago, I was happy and content with our marriage. Loved my husband very much. I was so proud of the fact that my husband and I would be making it to our milestone 25th anniversary, when so many couples don't even make it that far. But now, I just don't know. We were going to a marriage counselor for a while but stopped when we couldn't afford it any longer. Don't know if our marriage is going to get through this intact.


I have never owned a home, so forgive my ignorance: How is your mortgage so cheap?? I live in a very expensive city and mortgages start at more than $1000. 

If you can make it through nearly 30 years, you can get through this. I wasn't even married when my hubby was out of work...2008 was horrendous.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

bab123 said:


> I never have had my nails done, have my hair styled maybe every 2 or 3 months, and I have health insurance through my employer. Would you please get off the friggin pet thing? Two of our cats are 11 years old, and the other is 8 or 9. So they are seniors, but in good health. I don't like being made to feel bad just because you think I should take them to the vet and have them put down. I have never thought of them as a burden. I have thought of them as our responsibility. Just like your children are your responsibility.
> Now let me make myself clear. I AM NOT EQUATING THEM WITH HUMAN BEINGS!!! I am saying we are responsible for there health and well being of these living creatures till the day they pass on. Not only that we love them very much. I don't want to hear one more word about our pets.
> Turnera, what kind of boundary are you talking about?


One of the reasons I prefer pets to children, is that you can always get rid of them if you change your mind. The responsibility of pets cannot be compared to being a parent; apples and oranges. I am an excellent aunt because I know I CAN GIVE MY NIECES BACK. :rofl:

As a cat lover, I feel much sympathy for not wanting to give up pets. It's just that we all have to cut corners when we are in financial difficulties. Sorry mama, that is the reality of life. I dreamed of a nice wedding, but we could not afford it. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do.

People are stuck on "the friggin pet thing" because you are complaining about not being able to pay your mortgage, YET YOU ARE FEEDING CATS. If your mother could not pay your mortgage, you would be homeless, but you would still have your cats. Where is the logic in that? :scratchhead:


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Turnera, I explained to my husband that sense he has his own savings account, that I was taking him off our joint savings account, and keeping it as my own savings account. There is 100.00 left in it. He told me that 50.00 of that was his. I said "I think not". Needless to say, he wasn't happy about it, but I didn't care. I consider it small recompense for all the [email protected]#$% I have gone through. Taking small steps.


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## bab123 (Dec 9, 2010)

Mrs G, we bought our home in 1987 for 59,000 with a fixed rate.
As for getting through this, at this point I don't know.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Oh, I see. Thanks for the clarification.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bab, good for you! You have to build up your self respect to get HIM to respect you, before all. Once you have his respect back, then you can start working to improve the marriage to the point that he sees it all as joint issues, and you can go back to sharing money. (if you want to)


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