# Inability to be intimate with husband... desperately need answers



## cstell (Dec 19, 2010)

Please don't judge me for the following story because it was very difficult for me to tell! My husband and I got married a little over two years ago. Before we got married, we were best friends. We decided not to have sex until we got married because of our religious beliefs. After we got married, I realized that I don't enjoy sex at all... not because of anything my husband did, but because it legitimately creeps me out. Sex was never something that I spent much time thinking about or looking forward to once I got married. Since we've been married, I've found myself wishing that we were just friends again so I wouldn't have to have sex. 

In my defense, my husband tries to playfully grab at me though I have repeatedly asked him to stop because it makes me really uncomfortable. Also, he told me that he got into porn while we were dating since we weren't having sex. I think both of these things made it difficult for me to feel close to him because I somehow feel violated. My husband has tried guilting me into sex in multiple ways, such as telling me how unfair it was that he waited for sex when his friends in college were all having fun. I feel like I'm not sexually compatible with him... (or probably anyone else for that matter) and I don't really want to be. If I hadn't gotten married, I don't think I'd be in a relationship at all.

Recently, my husband volunteered to work in a different part of the state for a month. I guess he thought I'd be more likely to want to have sex after us being apart, but his trip had the opposite effect. Now I barely want to be kissed much of the time. We talk about our intimacy problems every day but we always end up upset, confused, or depressed. I tried warming up to him and telling him that I felt comfortable with having sex but he shot me down because he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. How can I ever achieve that goal? I am soooo tired of this emotional rollercoaster. Every time we try to see a counselor, something gets in the way... I just really want some expert advice.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

There are no experts here. You are your own expert. 

After you enter a marriage, sex is something bound to happen. That's what marriages for, for us to have legal sex. For us to have sex without feeling guilty and dirty. 

Sex between a husband and a wife is sacred. 

I don't know why you find it uncomfortable to have sex. 

If a woman wants to keep her husband, sex is something she has to provide. Your husband is a normal man, a normal man has his sexual desire. He is not a monk. If he wants to be a monk, he doesn't need to get married and have all the fights with his wife. HE IS A MAN.

If you want to keep your marriage and your husband, you have to work out your issue for not wanting to have sex. I don't know if it is your religion that has made you think like this. But the Bible only tells us not to have sex before we get married. In the Bible, it tells us clearly that it is important for a husband and wife to satisfy each other's needs, because if we don't, Satan might tempt us away. 

Remember, SEX BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE IS SACRED. 

It's God's gift for us. He created us this way, he wants us to enjoy it. 

You believe in God, HE gives you this wonderful gift, will you trash HIS gift for you? Will you trash gifts from people who love you???


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> There are no experts here. You are your own expert.
> 
> After you enter a marriage, sex is something bound to happen. That's what marriages for, for us to have legal sex. For us to have sex without feeling guilty and dirty.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You will need to say what exactly made you feel uncomfortable. You feel hurt or what? In what ways that you think your husband turned you off?
You will need to give him instructions so he has an idea to make you happy in bed. So you will need to know about yourself, how you would like to have sex, what position and trusting speed. You still have A LOT to discover before you know sex is beautiful and enjoyable.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You need to figure out why you are so uncomfortable with sex. Whether it's a physical cause (low hormone levels, something else) or a mental cause (religious training, sexual abuse, something else), you need to try to find it and resolve it. It could be resolved with some kind of medical treatment or therapy. And if you get thoroughly checked out by a doctor or you see a therapist and you find no causes, you might simply be asexual. If that's the case, then you'll need to be completely honest with him and make clear what that means for him (if you think that's what it is, then you'll want to do some research on asexuality so that you are very familiar with it before you talk to him), and give him the option to either stay with you knowing what it will be like, or to leave and find someone who will be sexually compatible with him. 

It would be best to do all of this as soon as possible, so that you two can resolve this one way or another before you two hate and resent each other.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Great points from everyone. There is a reason that sex creeps you out and getting to the bottom of that will take some time. Quit making excuses and get into counseling, on your own at first. This is not just your life now, it's your husband's too and he deserves for you to make all attempts for you to overcome this aversion to sex.

You may also want to let your husband know that you are going to work on getting over your sexual shame, and ask him to work with you. Start working on pleasurable touching that has nothing to do with sex. A foot massage, back rub, holding hands with your best friend, begin to work on these simple steps first.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

cstell said:


> In my defense, my husband tries to playfully grab at me though I have repeatedly asked him to stop because it makes me really uncomfortable. Also, he told me that he got into porn while we were dating since we weren't having sex. I think both of these things made it difficult for me to feel close to him because I somehow feel violated. My husband has tried guilting me into sex in multiple ways, such as telling me how unfair it was that he waited for sex when his friends in college were all having fun. I feel like I'm not sexually compatible with him... (or probably anyone else for that matter) and I don't really want to be. If I hadn't gotten married, I don't think I'd be in a relationship at all.


This isn't actually a defense.

Your husband tries to playfully instigate sex and you shoot him down.

Your husband self-managed his libido during the engagement.

Your husband isn't guilting you, he's telling you how he feels about the way he has been cheated out of a sex life despite doing everything that you and the church demanded of him prior to marriage.


Either get to a doctor and do some basic labwork to find if you have hormonal issues and fix the problem, or admit that you did the wrong thing in purposely entraping him into mariage under false pretenses.

You very well know you had no interest in having sex with him before you married.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, I agree with the others... Check out physical reasons for not being interested in sex. Are you on birth control pills?

If that doesn't give any insight (and maybe even if it does), some counseling for yourself is likely in order. What kind of things keep getting in the way? Is your marriage a priority to you, or not?

You do realize that if things keep on the way they are, there's two possible outcomes that I see... Either your husband is going to cheat on you, or one of you will start taking steps to end the marriage. I guess you could decide to have an "open" marriage so he could get his needs met outside the house, but that's got all sorts of issues as well.

In any case, not taking action will not solve the issue, and it will get worse over time, not better (in my opinion). Get serious about fixing it, or end the marriage. If you want to be friends after the marriage is over, end it soon so the resentment doesn't build.

C


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I admire your courage to admit you are not interested in sex, and your willingness to do something about it. 

With willingness to change, you have started your journey.

When you are desperate enough, nothing will keep you from that counseling appointment. I am speaking from my own experience!!


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## cstell (Dec 19, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Great points from everyone. There is a reason that sex creeps you out and getting to the bottom of that will take some time. Quit making excuses and get into counseling, on your own at first. This is not just your life now, it's your husband's too and he deserves for you to make all attempts for you to overcome this aversion to sex.
> 
> You may also want to let your husband know that you are going to work on getting over your sexual shame, and ask him to work with you. Start working on pleasurable touching that has nothing to do with sex. A foot massage, back rub, holding hands with your best friend, begin to work on these simple steps first.


Thanks for your message. I should tell you that I have gone to counseling and so has my husband. We have not been able to go together which is what we really need. Since this is a sensitive topic, there are only certain places we feel comfortable going. I've made so many appointments and the counselors have canceled them. That is the only reason why I'm spilling my guts on this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cstell (Dec 19, 2010)

I am sorry that I submitted this thread. I hoped that more people would be able to help me from personal experience instead of bashing the situation. This forum is nowhere near my first attempt at getting help. This post was after many attempts to find answers. If I had known I had this problem from the start, I never would have gotten married and avoided this trouble. My husband is my first and only sexual partner. Next time I'd prefer to be asked for more info before everyone starts jumping to conclusions. I came to this forum because I need actual guidance. I feel sorry for my husband because he has been understanding which is why I want to get help. I know what the Bible says but again, that information doesn't exactly turn me on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

cstell said:


> I am sorry that I submitted this thread. I hoped that more people would be able to help me from personal experience instead of bashing the situation. This forum is nowhere near my first attempt at getting help. This post was after many attempts to find answers. If I had known I had this problem from the start, I never would have gotten married and avoided this trouble. My husband is my first and only sexual partner. Next time I'd prefer to be asked for more info before everyone starts jumping to conclusions. I came to this forum because I need actual guidance. I feel sorry for my husband because he has been understanding which is why I want to get help. I know what the Bible says but again, that information doesn't exactly turn me on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand this is a sensitive topic for you, but no one here bashed you. We don't jump to conclusions; we base our conclusions/advice based on what you tell us. I didn't see anything in your original post that said you'd already sought all the help that I advised. I'm sorry if you felt what I said bashed you. 

I looked at the other posts and none of them seem to be bashing either. I will admit some of us tend to be rather blunt in our statements, but I really don't think anyone intended to be cruel.


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

cstell said:


> I am sorry that I submitted this thread. I hoped that more people would be able to help me from personal experience instead of bashing the situation. This forum is nowhere near my first attempt at getting help. This post was after many attempts to find answers. If I had known I had this problem from the start, I never would have gotten married and avoided this trouble. My husband is my first and only sexual partner. Next time I'd prefer to be asked for more info before everyone starts jumping to conclusions. I came to this forum because I need actual guidance. I feel sorry for my husband because he has been understanding which is why I want to get help. I know what the Bible says but again, that information doesn't exactly turn me on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm sorry you feel misunderstood and hurt by the replys you are getting. I was married once before my current marriage and my wife and I were very inexperienced as I was abstinate and she was a virgin and we were both young. 

In that marraige I never cultivated foreplay skills. How to get my new to sex wife comfortable and ready for intercourse. I was only looking for my self. I don't know your husband but if he isn't thinking enough about you and your pleasure you'll never get comfortable.

Sex can be a wonderful and exciting event when you are properly excited and pleasured. Have you ever orgasmed alone or with him? Sex needs to be about YOU for a while. In my marraige now giving my wife pleasure 1st means that I always get the pleasure I want and need.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Telling her "you are married now so sex is your job" and "quit making excuses" is definitely not going to be a good response. Maybe next time give objective opinions to new people so you don't scare them off.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My own experience, direct answers hurt, but they help me the most. 

People who truly want to improve themselves should be able to welcome harsh and mild answers.

I don't understand why people are so fragile now. So we all have to say what she likes to hear?

And I don't think what we said was harsh, maybe something she doesn't like to hear. 

Anyway, it is her problem. She wants to solve it or not, it is her business. 

I have done my part for giving honest advice!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You said that before you got married, you both "agreed" to not have sex. Honestly, was that predominantly your idea and he just went along with it? He's obviously interested in having sex with his wife but not particularly interested in subjecting you to something you obviously find unspeakably unpleasant. Who would? Why would he wish to force himself upon you when so many willing and eager women are out there waiting for the chance? You apparently have some sexual hangups and whatever they are, you didn't ask for them and they aren't your fault. Reality is, he's not going to be happy in a sexless marriage and I doubt you will be, either. If he's not being cared for, he's going to build resentment toward you. Maybe his religious teachings will keep him faithful and in the house but religion can't make him like it or pretend to be pleasant and content with what amounts to an abusive, unnatural, situation (again, not of your choosing). You don't have to just wish to be friends with your husband. Get a divorce and then be friends. He can get his intimacy and sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere. He won't expect anything from you and won't be frustrated. If you intend to be a wife, be one. His frustration comes from your agreeing to be one thing and then delivering something else. A psychiatrist or therapist can probably help you get to the bottom of this and life will be much more enjoyable for the both of you.


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## mrsromance (Oct 21, 2010)

I'm going to try something different since you already no what you should be doing and feeling. Honestly, what has helped me is reading romance novels. I am an advent reading of them and they have help me rekindle the romance and help me to understand that a man needs sex to feel love as well. I know it sound silly but its true. Sometimes seeing your husband thru and fictional character really can help.


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## kidcanman (Dec 20, 2010)

you seem to be sort of religious or conservative. you seem to reject the carnal part of sex unless it comes with a sufficient consideration for the emotions of your partner.

i agree with you.

the problem is that most men don't necessarily think that way. and it is as simple as that. 

many women are shocked into celibacy, because they don't understand that it is normal for men not to think that way. we men are selfish like that. i don't know if the american environment is to blame or what it is. but the level of sensitivity that is required for you not to feel like you are being raped (just kidding...kind of) when having intercourse is simply beyond your husband's current mental state (of course some guys think that if they make an attempt to pleasure their partner then that is enough. but of course it is sooo much deeper than that for a lot of women but most men don't understand that).

all it means is that he is probably as insensitive as the typical normal guy.

it's a tough situation for guys when women are super sensitive to being touched in a sexual way (when they view it as a highly emotional thing because they are conservative or what not), because most of us are not that sensitive. or some women are super sensitive to porn or they are disgusted with how carnal and distant men are during sex. 

if you are like that then most men will turn you off every time. 

you need to realize that almost all men don't think that way (most of us are highly INSENSITIVE) and that your husband is probably not a bad guy. 

if you need your husband to be sensitive when it comes to sex then you have to think of a way to change the way your husband thinks. the only way to accomplish that is if your husband is open and willing to change.

if he is a good man, then it is possible.

but also if you can learn to be less sensitive (if you can sincerely view his behavior as normal and therefore less unacceptable) then perhaps it will be easier for you to get along with your husband. if you change the way you think then perhaps he will become more open to change.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Atholk said:


> This isn't actually a defense.
> 
> Your husband tries to playfully instigate sex and you shoot him down.
> 
> ...


I am not sure what your issues are but I think scolding this young woman when she is making a genuine effort to figure out her problem is not helpful. If you think anything you have written here will help her husband that you identify so closely with, you are mistaken. It will have the opposite effect, she may retreat even further from him. There is no indication in her post that she intentionally decieved him so this may be your issue but clearly not her's. He was not anymore deprived of sex before marriage than she was and it was a joint decision. To blame her for not having his jollies in college is immature, and to expect her to make it up to him is ridiculous. He is no more entitled to sex than she is, good sex that is. No one forced him to wait till marriage. 

Her feelings are legit, may not be accurate but that's the trick with relationships, mis- interpretations of our partners motives and intentions are frequently incorrect if there is no effort to communicate. Not at all unusual. 

OP You did not mention how old you are and what your sexual experiences have been before you met your husband. What was your knowledge of sex and attitude before you got married? Sometimes the development of sexual pleasure takes time for a women, the early sexual experiences may not bring intense pleasure but with the right man and with exploration of your body you will have a completely different experience. How is you husband as a lover, does he touch you the was you like being touched? Do you tell him what you want or need, what is his response? Is he patient, spend time warming you up before going for the genitles? It might help to read about female sexuality, how long the average woman takes to warm up, to reach orgasm and if she can reach orgasm vaginally or if clitoral stimulation is needed. 

If you are unhappy about the way your husband touches you and you tell him and he does it anyway, let him know this is not helping. He should repect your request as to how you want to be touched. Very few woman liked being grabbed but it is very common for men to do this and not realize what a turn off it is. Get some books for both of you on sexuality and relationships. It is too soon in you life to give up on sex, you will have to work harder to get to the root of the problem. Knowledge will help and a committment to give the marriage a chance for success. I am glad you joined the forum, there are many people who are willing to assist you. Many people have their own issues and may be less than helpful but on balance, you will find support and help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> OP You did not mention how old you are and what your sexual experiences have been before you met your husband. What was your knowledge of sex and attitude before you got married? Sometimes the development of sexual pleasure takes time for a women, the early sexual experiences may not bring intense pleasure but with the right man and with exploration of your body you will have a completely different experience. How is you husband as a lover, does he touch you the was you like being touched? Do you tell him what you want or need, what is his response? Is he patient, spend time warming you up before going for the genitles? It might help to read about female sexuality, how long the average woman takes to warm up, to reach orgasm and if she can reach orgasm vaginally or if clitoral stimulation is needed.


 Very good questions! 

Let me ask you this >>> *Have you EVER went "ga ga" over a hot movie star, musician? DO you enjoy Romantic Movies, have you ever read a romantic novel --does any of this AROUSE You? *


I take it you never masterbated before marraige- or had such an urge? And this was NEVER talked about with your finance -- Too taboo? 

Me & my husband married as Virgins, but we mutually masterbated each other (some would call this blatent sin) but I have zero regrets as he knew I LOVED & was capable of orgasms and I felt he desired me in wanting all that touch but respecting my personal boundaries. We still had something "new" to look forward to. 

I wonder - If you could do this all over again - would you have waited? I have read stories like yours on a Christian sex forum from time to time, I find it heartbreaking. You are not alone. The Marriage Bed • Index page 

Be encouraged - So long as you have breath, it is NEVER too late so long as you LOVE this man & are willing to go to the ends of the earth to figure out WHY *your hormones *are "offended" to his touch or *your mind *is being repressed in this area. But as you know, he is a MAN , and this needs fixing. Love Making is sacred , ordained, supposed to be a joyful fullfilling act between a husband & wife. 

Absolutely great christian book to read from cover to cover here >>> Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9780842360241): Kevin Leman: Books


As I am sure you are familiar with (1 Cor 7:3 -5)...The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control


Pleasing him "just for his sake alone" will likely never be truly satisfying though, for you or for him. *We all need to feel DESIRED by our spouses*.

IF I was in your position, I would try to read & look upon ANYTHING that might arouse me sexually. If need be get to a Doctor & ask for a HORMONE work up, talk very openly about your intimacy issues. 

Be determined to educate yourself about sexuality- buy many books. Even secular books. These helped Me MORE Than Christian sex books by a long shot. (I was somewhat repressed back in the day). Many wonderuful books on Amazon.com with reviews! 

Also look into books dealing with "*Sexual Repression*" specifically -to help you unlock & unleash your sexual potential - that surely lies within.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Atholk said:


> This isn't actually a defense.
> 
> Your husband tries to playfully instigate sex and you shoot him down.
> 
> ...


All valid points, except for maybe the last one.

Your husband is trying to deal with this but I can tell you that sexual satisfaction is very important in a marriage.

please see a professional about this.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Your husband isn't guilting you, he's telling you how he feels about the way he has been cheated out of a sex life despite doing everything that you and the church demanded of him prior to marriage.


I agree with Atholk here. I think that part of the reason that posters are not being sympathetic is that she appears to feel somewhat justified in denying her husband a full, loving, sexual relationship. 

Sex is not a favour, it is an integral part of the loving relationship and if you can't do it you don't love the person. Period. 

Points to the OP for trying to sort this out, but I can see why some posters objected to her tone.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

jamesa said:


> I agree with Atholk here. I think that part of the reason that posters are not being sympathetic is that she appears to feel somewhat justified in denying her husband a full, loving, sexual relationship.
> 
> Sex is not a favour, it is an integral part of the loving relationship and if you can't do it you don't love the person. Period.
> 
> Points to the OP for trying to sort this out, but I can see why some posters objected to her tone.


No one has been hostile, save one. She sounds young and has the typical attitude of women who have the fairy tale romantic dreams of how marriage should be. Please don't take offense OP, just seems that way. No one knows with out asking questions and welcoming her responses. Its more productive to share what you know. If she were older and had had experience of the world and made these statement than she may have deserved strong language. 

Hostility stops her from expressing what she is feeling and cuts off the opportunity to help. What she is expressing is normal, her reaction is common if misguided. She needs to shift her frame of reference and interpretations of marriage and her man, no one can force her to do it but she may if gently guided to a more realistic and mature view of sex in marriage. 

BTW, the argument that men need sex is a simplistic misrepresentation of sex and a real turn off. It sounds as if she is expected to give him something that he is entitled to with out expectation of mutual exchange. 

Humans need sex not only men, it satisfies a deep need for emotional connection that no other union can bring. If her husband has adapted the common attitude that he is entitled to sex then he is in for problems in relationships with any woman. 

One thing is that he is probably as inexperienced as she is and she needs to understand that men learn about sex from their partner they don't come to a relationship with innate skills. That's another romantic notion that many woman have and if she does not let him know what she needs from a place of knowledge than he cannot be expected to know. If he is resistant that another problem. She first has to work on herself and then encourage him to change his attitude to include her in the act, if indeed that is the problem. 

She said that she has posted before and may have been met with hostility there and if she gets the same here what does it gain? 

Dear OP I am not blaming or critical of your feelings, they are natural, believe or not but, they can be overcome if you keep an open mind. I don't really know your situation so I am doing a lot of speculating and you must decide if anything of it is useful. I think you do want to change or you would not have posted.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> BTW, the argument that men need sex is a simplistic misrepresentation of sex and a real turn off. It sounds as if she is expected to give him something that he is entitled to with out expectation of mutual exchange.
> 
> Humans need sex not only men, it satisfies a deep need for emotional connection that no other union can bring. If her husband has adapted the common attitude that he is entitled to sex then he is in for problems in relationships with any woman.
> .


I didn't say 'men' because I don't mean men. If you are married you are entitled to sex (barring a physical disability) male or female. If you look through my posts I made the same points to a man who denies his wife sex. Nice try catherine but if you are desperate to find sexism you are looking in the wrong place. 

Mazlo put sex on the most basic level of his heirarchy of needs and I agree with him.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am not judging. . .but I am fascinated.

I would like the poster to give her honest reason she got married if sex kinda creeped her out.

Is it a desire for stability? A family? Companionship? Love without sexual desire?

I only seek to understand.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I wholeheartedly agree with those who believes spouses are entitled to sex. I've come across Christian websites which celebrate married sex. 
Before I met my husband, I was experienced, but there were a few physical acts that I only felt comfortable doing with my husband. I simply felt closest to him and I loved the way he never pressured me.

People should not seek opinions, if they are only going to pout when they receive them. The OP strikes me as rather immature in more ways than one. I did not notice any hostile words directed at her. Maybe counseling isn't helping because she cannot handle an honest assessment of her issues.

A religious upbringing can take a toll on a couple's sex life. The OP has been fed negative views on sex as something dirty or shameful. I also believe that it is hard to make the shift in a woman's mind from friend to lover.
Nobody should be denied sex when they are married. If the OP is not willing to work through her issues, as we gently suggested, she should let her husband go find a woman that enjoys sex. 
I think that she is too traditional to agree to an open marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

I do sympathise. I understand that you waited till you got married to have sex due to your religious beliefs - absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

However, one of the many advantages of couples living together prior to marriage is to experience sexual compatability.

PROBLEM 1
Did you hate sex _before _or _after _you found out that your man was into porn? Porn is a HUGE issue in many people's lives including mine - some people don't have any issues with their partners watching porn, and others can't stand the thought of it. Unfortunately for me, I'm one of the latter. It can be a real turn off to have sexual intercourse with someone who is into porn as your partner could subconsciously be re-enacting their porn movie experiences whilst having sex with you. I know that it used to make me feel dirty. Not that he was overtly doing things with me or kinky but it was just the way I felt due to some of the things that he used to say during sexual intercourse. I'm not sure how many men/women would like to have sex like they do in porn films, but I'm definitely not one of them. I've watched several documentaries where female porn stars were interviewed and the majority of them admitted that they never have sex with their real partners in the way a porn movie is made. *None* of them admitted to having sex in real life as they do in their movies.

PROBLEM 2
Is the problem that sex physically hurts or that you just don't enjoy it? Does he ask you to do things you're not comfortable with? If so, then you should tell him. Sex should not hurt! It is supposed to be a pleasurable experience. If he's into kinky things and you're not, then that's a BIG, MASSIVE issue. You're possibly with the wrong person. If ordinary sex hurts then you should seek medical advice.

PROBLEM 3
From what you say, it seems that your husband being away has been a relief. Is this because you didn't have the tiresome pressure of having to have sex with him or just because you've realised that you no longer want to be with him and you'd like to leave him. Is sex the only thing wrong in your relationship?

Sorry to burden you with questions, but I've found that the great thing about these forums is that they help you clear your head and perhaps give you a guideline of what to look out for


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cstell said:


> In my defense, my husband tries to playfully grab at me though I have repeatedly asked him to stop because it makes me really uncomfortable. Also, he told me that he got into porn while we were dating since we weren't having sex. I think both of these things made it difficult for me to feel close to him because I somehow feel violated. My husband has tried guilting me into sex in multiple ways, such as telling me how unfair it was that he waited for sex when his friends in college were all having fun. I feel like I'm not sexually compatible with him... (or probably anyone else for that matter) and I don't really want to be. If I hadn't gotten married, I don't think I'd be in a relationship at all.



Your husband should try to respect the Grabbing thing going on -since you have asked him repeatably. And I am sure his words about having missed opportunities before he married hurts, maybe he should keep these to himself. 

But I beg you, please please please try to understand his frustration. Just as you are feeling you made a mistake in marrying when you have zero sex drive, He IS equally DEVESTATED, hurt & daily frustrated. 

One thing many women do not understand or can not FEEL which makes it so much harder is this>>> Men have 20 to 40 TIMES the amount of Testosterone surging through their bodies -in comparision to us women. Testosterone is our LUST hormone- This is why their SEX drives is SOOO HIGH in comparison. This is also why TEENAGE BOYS WILL SEEK OUT PORN, it is almost inevitable they will do this, they are driven too it. Blame God, he created this aggressive sex driven hormone. If they do not , I would question how healthy their hormones are. 

I am dead serious when I say this >>> UNless you have been inside this type of body (as a woman I feel I had a taste of 8 months of this), you will simply NOT understand this URGE for pornogrpahy/lustful fantasy and this frustration he is dealing with -which makes him act (aggressive grabbing) and do the things he does (Porn enjoyment). 

Please forgive him. Just as you do not understand HIM -- because you are not feeling it, He does not understand YOU -why you aren't feeling it. 

This can cause a gulf the size of the Grand Canyon Of misunderstanding & pain. 

Some Great books explaining the role of these Sexual hormones & how they affect the way Men & women THINK and ACT and how we LOVE here >>> 

Amazon.com: The Alchemy of Love and Lust (9780671004446): Theresa L. Crenshaw: Books

Amazon.com: This is Your Brain in Love: New Scientific Breakthroughs for a More Passionate and Emotionally Healthy Marriage (9780785228752): Dr. Earl Henslin, Dr. Daniel Amen: Books


Amazon.com: The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (9780307587893): Daniel G. Amen M.D.: Books


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Could you answer a few more questions?

What makes you happy about being married to him?

What aspects of your marriage make you feel the closest towards him?

Imagine in your mind a non-sexual massage from your husband, are you uncomfortable? How about a non-sexual back rub or foot rub from a girlfriend or male friend?

Other than your husband have you had any sexual contact with anyone?

Are you at ease hugging and kissing members of your family, or your husband? How about snuggling up with hubby on the couch to watch a movie or holding hands while shopping?

Are you ok with your husband masturbating to porn? Do you masturbate?

Does being naked in front of him bother you, or seeing him naked? If so, why?

What religion are you and your husband?

How long have you known your husband?

On a scale of 1 to 5(1 being the most, 5 being the least)

1. How comfortable are you when you are around your husband?

2. How comfortable are you when you are by yourself?

3. How comfortable are you when you are with a friend or family member?

4. Use the same scale above with the same questions but replace the word comfortable with the the word Lonely.

Not answering any of these questions of course if fine and if an answer is too uncomfortable to post here, feel free to PM me the answer.

[aversion]


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I am not judging. . .but I am fascinated.
> 
> I would like the poster to give her honest reason she got married if sex kinda creeped her out.
> 
> ...


"After we got married, I realized that I don't enjoy sex at all... not because of anything my husband did, but because it legitimately creeps me out. Sex was never something that I spent much time thinking about or looking forward to once I got married. Since we've been married, I've found myself wishing that we were just friends again so I wouldn't have to have sex."

She did not know she was "creeped out" until after she was married. So it seems she got married for the same reasons anyone gets married and no deception was involved. This seems to be a sticking point I am not sure why. :scratchhead:


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I don't want to embarrass you, OP, but do you masturbate? I know there are sometimes religious issues, but it is a very good way to find out what you like etc. 

Someone mentioned romance novels or perhaps some erotica might help. You may even get to the point where you can read some with your husband. Try it.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> If a woman wants to keep her husband, sex is something she has to provide.


I don't agree with this...sex is something she must want. If she doesn't want it and is only in it to make her man feel good, then whats the point? If she is saying to herself "I can't wait until this is over...la de da, la de da...I can't wait to go to sleep", then thats not good. I want my wife to want me and want to have sex. Not just for my pleasure. Why would I want to then? :scratchhead:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Hurra said:


> I don't agree with this...sex is something she must want. If she doesn't want it and is only in it to make her man feel good, then whats the point? If she is saying to herself "I can't wait until this is over...la de da, la de da...I can't wait to go to sleep", then thats not good. I want my wife to want me and want to have sex. Not just for my pleasure. Why would I want to then? :scratchhead:


What's the difference? The main point here is a woman has to figure out ways to keep her husband. Does she want to keep her husband or not? 

Why doesn't she want sex? Because of her low sex drive? Or something else is involved? For example, she is not interested in having sex with this man, but she is high about another man?

Men themselves have to figure out why their wives don't want to have sex anymore! You can't solve the issue if you don't know the problem.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hurra said:


> I don't agree with this...sex is something she must want. If she doesn't want it and is only in it to make her man feel good, then whats the point? If she is saying to herself "I can't wait until this is over...la de da, la de da...I can't wait to go to sleep", then thats not good. I want my wife to want me and want to have sex. Not just for my pleasure. Why would I want to then? :scratchhead:


You can still get joy from the playstation but just don't expect the playstation to have emotion & reaction.

Important is the playstation is happy to offer you her service and makes the service becomes a habit.

If you don't let your woman to taste your testosterone often (give you blow job), how you know she doesn't enjoy? Everyone needs a bit stimulation to feel horny. Women feel turned on by tasting testosterone in your saliva by kissing and penis by sucking it. 

When she's happy to help you out, it means in some certain level, she also likes to see you jerking off by her. Don't you ever refuse such offer!

Women have a nautre being pleased when watching their men jerking off. It's a pleasant view.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Originally Posted by Scannerguard
> I am not judging. . .but I am fascinated.
> 
> I would like the poster to give her honest reason she got married if sex kinda creeped her out.
> ...


Again, I wasn't judging that she had some kind of deceptive mindset. . .I was just trying to learn.

So. . .you get married and suddenly there is a "creep factor" with sex? What did she think about sex in general before she was married?

I can recall one time my ex-wife stating, "I can't beleive 2 people do that." She was just amused by our daily activity, I guess and didn't mean anything per se by it but years later, I am reminded of what she said.

I suppose if you look at sex from the viewpoint of a child, it does seem funny - the noises, the humping,. . .to me though, it looks beautiful and erotic in my mind's eye. But another way of looking at it is it is kind of comical or creepy, I guess.

I'm sorry, Catherine, you just didn't really answer my question. Marriage and sex to me are joined at the hip and I am just trying to understand. . .you say, 

"She got married for the reasons anyone gets married."

Well. . .why? What reason? I am trying to figure out where she pigeonholed sex when she was saying marriage is for her. Is it just a sole focus on family and finances? Like some business proposition? Marriage is indeed a business so I don't mean anythign snide by that.

Again, I am NOT, NOT trying to judge. . .just really get inside her head.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi 

see respnses below yours

Please don't judge me for the following story because it was very difficult for me to tell! My husband and I got married a little over two years ago. Before we got married, we were best friends. We decided not to have sex until we got married because of our religious beliefs. After we got married, I realized that I don't enjoy sex at all... not because of anything my husband did, but because it legitimately creeps me out. Sex was never something that I spent much time thinking about or looking forward to once I got married. Since we've been married, I've found myself wishing that we were just friends again so I wouldn't have to have sex.

In my defense, my husband tries to playfully grab at me though I have repeatedly asked him to stop because it makes me really uncomfortable. Also, he told me that he got into porn while we were dating since we weren't having sex. I think both of these things made it difficult for me to feel close to him because I somehow feel violated. My husband has tried guilting me into sex in multiple ways, such as telling me how unfair it was that he waited for sex when his friends in college were all having fun. I feel like I'm not sexually compatible with him... (or probably anyone else for that matter) and I don't really want to be. If I hadn't gotten married, I don't think I'd be in a relationship at all.

Judith: Have you had a painful childhood? If so maybe start out with nonsexual affection first. for while. He does need to do that before sexual affection. For sure. It is to be a learning time between the both of you. It is not about whether or not it is right or wrong but what both of you desire together. 

Recently, my husband volunteered to work in a different part of the state for a month. I guess he thought I'd be more likely to want to have sex after us being apart, but his trip had the opposite effect. Now I barely want to be kissed much of the time. We talk about our intimacy problems every day but we always end up upset, confused, or depressed. I tried warming up to him and telling him that I felt comfortable with having sex but he shot me down because he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. How can I ever achieve that goal? I am soooo tired of this emotional rollercoaster. Every time we try to see a counselor, something gets in the way... I just really want some expert advice.

Jduith: Yes. Just start with nonsexual affection first. And work with the touch issue. Nonsexual daily as well. Can you try to write a letter. to each other. 

Judith


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Again, I wasn't judging that she had some kind of deceptive mindset. . .I was just trying to learn..
> 
> I'm sorry, Catherine, you just didn't really answer my question. *Marriage and sex to me are joined at the hip and I am just trying to understand. . .you say,*
> 
> ...


Scanner - *If you read the original post over this young woman is asking for help, she is in distress and expressed her thoughts but wants to fix it or she would not have posted.*

I regard relationships as very fluid, the right attitude and frame of reference chages everything. . Sounds like she is looking for someone to change her frame of reference so that she would be able to reframe the way she looks at her husband and will have more undertsanding of his actions *and then she will be able to say the things she needs to say in a way that he can hear her.*

Scanner i have read some of your post and what concerns me is that you are very sensitive to the issue of a womans intentions when she gets married. Of course it is a pat response that all women don't come imprinted with preformed attitudes towards men.*.*

Dont stuff all women into the same box, by some funny quirk of human relations, you tend to attract exactly what you dont want. You have to heal from your divorce and work out your justified anger. Your greatest response to your circumstance is sucess, in finding a woman who is wild about you and you her and with whom you have a very happy relationship and emotionally and sexually satisfying relationship. I sincerely wish you will have this. I really think that you will have this in your present state of mind. You are too angry and that influence the type of woman you are attracted to and how the relationship goes.*

I read a great e book that I got through the I book app on my iPad "how can I forgive you" by Jane Abrahams- Singer. It is one of the best books I ever read, the way therapist demand that we forgive is wrong and does not work, this therapist method is more human and practical.

To answer your question, yes i know sex is very important in a relationship but I don't think that the attitude should be a sense of entitlement. Generally you are not appreciative for things you think that you are entitled to. What I read here is, to me, very bad for marriage - men are encouraged to feel entitled to sex in marriage. The legal, moral and male need argument are not persuasive.*

Rather parners are required to satisfy each other sexually and to keep a balanced sexual experience with the only requirements being to make it mutual. When sex is good and satisfying both parties should be greatful for that and not take it for granted. Entitled sex favors men because they need it more than women usually, for that reason, they feel entitled. Obviously that attitude is not working. It also makes some men selfish sexually after all they have a need, women dont right. 

Any decent relationship book advises mutually satisfying sex which means that men have to adjust to female sexuality or they will not have sex for long. This womans husband gropes that is not something that woman like usually so his approach to her assumes that woman are like men sexually. Some men don't want to cuddle after sex and think it's ok if they don't do it, some don't take the time they should because they want to get the orgasm they are entitled to. I have read on this forum that some expect their wives to have sex at the frequency they want weather she want to or not. 

One man wrote he thinks his wife should just lay there and let him have sex if she cared about his needs. I can imagine the kind of love she is getting when she is willing to have sex if he is so cavilair as to think he should use her like that. Stats show that US men are not as good lovers and they think they are and the majority of woman are left frustrated. I rarely see that discussed, the quality of sex for the woman. The men with low sex marriages invariably say they are good lovers. That it is not possible that all of these men satisfy their wives. The bigger problem with marital sex is that too many men are ignorant about female sexuality and what they do know they dismiss as too much of a bother. Women are not having consistently satisfying sex in marriage. Men think the problem is frequency. Maybe some forthright person will examine this problem with a fresh eye and not biased towards the male entitlement and need. 

If sex is not pushing all the right buttons, anger, resentment has no place but a relaxed adjustments till you get it right. I am willing to try new things but I will not do it if I get no appreciation for the great sex we already have. I am very appreciative that my husband is an excellent lover and I tell him he pushes all the right buttons for me. Provocative and I mean it to be. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Serena (Jan 2, 2011)

I, too, had a lot of hangups about sex when I got married. I felt bad about having sex prior to marriage, and I think those guilty feelings followed me into our marriage. Combined with hormonal problems in the early years of marriage, our sex life plummeted. We eventually divorced, probably due to my lack of sexual desire (he found someone else). We remarried 2.5 years later. Even after the remarriage, sex was still a struggle for me (this time hampered by his infidelity), but things have finally gotten better for us. Having deep-seeded religious beliefs about sex can, in my opinion, wreak a little havoc on your marriage. I think I went a little to the extreme with my thought process and then sabotaged my sexual health because of the guilt feelings from the premarital sex. God had forgiven me for that when I asked for forgiveness, but I couldn't let go of it. Like some of the other posters mentioned, sex is a gift from God. He made us to fit together and be able to please each other. I've come across a good website recently, themarriagebed.com I believe that a minister and his wife have put this site together. It covers everything in there. As someone else mentioned, you might try learning to please yourself, to discover what feels good to you. There are also other things to try with your husband like edible lotions, massage creams, or things that cause tingling sensations like gels and lotions. Since opening my eyes to things like that, sex has become much more pleasureable. Good luck. I hope that things will improve for you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't understand the attitude of the fundamentalists on the issues of sexuality. They make woman feel guilty about having sex outside of marriage they don't come down on men with same gilt trip. Seems even the man upstairs is biased against woman. One thing though the bible says "I shal come again to judge the living and the dead", not judge women more harshly then men because men will be men. Did you have sex with the man you are married to? A second question, , if I am not mistaken, don't fundamentalist consider infidelity a sin as serious as premarital sex. So you think the man up stairs forgave your husband for infidelity and premarital sex but has not forgiven you for your one transgression. You get no credit then for not sinning again and being a good and faithful wife to a two time sinner? 

In my opinion you got it all wrong, no matter what men say, even those fundamentalist, God is fair and loving he does not signal out woman for special harsh judgment. Men do but God leads he does and does not follow the imperfect judgements of men. forgive youself for your perceived sin. Are you not more deserving of forgiveness than the man you are married to who cheated, deceived you and endangered the stability of every one in his family. how can you forgive him and not yourself? I can not believe that a good and fair God would condemn you and not your husband. his sin damaged more of his innocent sheep than yours. Either you are both forgiven or you are both not. I think it is the former.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't think OP will be back. Victim mentality. Hope she overcomes it.

Catherine, it is apparent that you put a great deal of thought into your posts. I don't doubt that they are heartfelt.

But ...

What exactly was your experience that you are so openly resentful and suspicious of men? I'm presuming whatever it was, it was traumatic. I'm not asking you to share anything you wouldn't choose to. Went looking for your story - but it isn't there.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Serena said:


> I think I went a little to the extreme with my thought process and then sabotaged my sexual health because of the guilt feelings from the premarital sex. God had forgiven me for that when I asked for forgiveness, but I couldn't let go of it. Like some of the other posters mentioned, sex is a gift from God. He made us to fit together and be able to please each other. I've come across a good website recently, themarriagebed.com I believe that a minister and his wife have put this site together. It covers everything in there.


Trust me, this website gives NO free pass to men ! Many posters do not even feel you should kiss or hold hands before marraige or this will invoke sexual passion & lead to sex - black & white thinking. They will even tell you it is wrong/sinful to masterbate and think of your fiance!! Who are we kidding here -How many testosterone driven males are capable of this ?? Even reading a few things on there will cause your MIND to hurt to the point of GUILT ridden hell. 

If you want to feel condemned about a sexual thought (I imagine all fantasies are sin), PLEASE go this website, many will happily tell you how you need to Repent & seek Godly counsel. I posted on there about my virginity and what we did before marraige (No oral & No intercourse), what we felt good about , these men & women trampled on, and made it ugly. 

Maybe this helps some people to open their sexual minds, but I would feel these stringent beliefs are truly MORE hindering than what you will learn HERE.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Deejo said:


> What exactly was your experience that you are so openly resentful and suspicious of men? I'm presuming whatever it was, it was traumatic. I'm not asking you to share anything you wouldn't choose to. Went looking for your story - but it isn't there.


Well lets suppose I am resentful and suspicious of men, - do you care to be specific. Is it because I do not always flatter men or avoid bruising their ego? If you read all of my post with an open mind you would not have come to the conclusion that I am biased towards men. I have written many times of my epiphany with my husband which started with understanding men.

My father had a mistress from the 2nd year of his marriage to my Mother to the day he died at 67. I saw my mother suffer all of that time. If you open your mind and not just concentrate on my criticism of men, you will see that I am equally as critical of women and supportive of men. 

I think cheating is more damaging to children than divorce, especially the type that the woman has to live with through out the marriage. my Mother had no skills, was a SAHM, did not even drive or know how to pay bills. She was stuck with a heartless boy for a husband. 

I am also affected by the things written about women that are frequently cruel. It seems men are very quick to place a value on woman based on looks and age. My sensitivity to this issue comes from my experience with men starting at a very early time in my life. I have been unfortunate enough to attract the attention of men since I was 13 years old. 

To say I was confused and embarrassed would not begin to describe how I felt, men said filthy things to me in the street, honked horns and I was only 13 and it was obvious I was a juvenile!! The summer I turned 13, I spent in my house too embarrassed to go out. BTW, I was brought up Catholic, very strict home no revealing clothing of any type, no contact with boys were allowed. But, through some quirk of nature, my body and face developed as they did. I think I have seen the worst of men, they seem like animals in heat to me at times. 

I used to cover up my shape when I was a teen but not now, I wear tight clothes, heels, makeup and do my nails and hair. In essence, I have taken control back of myself, I flaunt what I have .. they can look all they want. 

Some of the things men write on these forums really opened my eyes - there is no reason to excuse behavior that damages lives of woman and children because men are visual, they have needs, blah, blah , blah..... Society encourages men to express their maleness with a glaring lack of character, control, compassion, and empathy. The small but vocal men who do this ruin relationships for men

Men are very sensitive to the slightest comment that is not gushing. If I said these things in real life, it would be damaging to some men since it would come from an intelligent, accomplished, high value woman (in the male world of attractiveness rating). I say what I think but mildly, it is difficult for men to dismiss what I say as it comes from a woman who benefits from the high value men put on women they would like to have sex with. 

So you may want to examine your issues.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I appreciate your response.

Good with my issues, thanks. Have very little to do with women actually.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Catherine,
Do you believe the OP married someone she actually has genuine physical desire for? I don't. And I do not think you can change that - it is not "fluid". 

You can "kill" desire by being sufficiently selfish/badly behaved as your H temporarily did. But generally you can bring back that which existed at the start. That is fluid. 

But there are people who are simply not comfortable with sex, with sexual thoughts and feelings. People who mainly shut that part of themselves down. Now splice someone like that into a marriage which they entered for companionship, or financial security or even because they wish to procreate. Put them next to someone who is young and inexperienced AND has a crazy high sex drive - which most young males do. That situation is a certain train wreck. 

If you read the OP's initial post it is a classic sexual refuser dynamic. She refuses him from the start and he begins to react to that. At least at a surface level the genesis of their problem has nothing to do with his bad behavior and all to do with a marriage that lacked mutual desire from day one. 

Just as I cringe when I read posters who immediately blame the refused - I also cringe when posters instantly blame the refuser. In this case the latter group scared away the OP before we had a chance to get a deeper insight into her situation. 




Catherine602 said:


> Well lets suppose I am resentful and suspicious of men, - do you care to be specific. Is it because I do not always flatter men or avoid bruising their ego? If you read all of my post with an open mind you would not have come to the conclusion that I am biased towards men. I have written many times of my epiphany with my husband which started with understanding men.
> 
> My father had a mistress from the 2nd year of his marriage to my Mother to the day he died at 67. I saw my mother suffer all of that time. If you open your mind and not just concentrate on my criticism of men, you will see that I am equally as critical of women and supportive of men.
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

cstell said:


> Please don't judge me for the following story because it was very difficult for me to tell! My husband and I got married a little over two years ago. Before we got married, we were best friends. We decided not to have sex until we got married because of our religious beliefs. After we got married, I realized that I don't enjoy sex at all... not because of anything my husband did, but because it legitimately creeps me out. Sex was never something that I spent much time thinking about or looking forward to once I got married. Since we've been married, I've found myself wishing that we were just friends again so I wouldn't have to have sex.
> 
> In my defense, my husband tries to playfully grab at me though I have repeatedly asked him to stop because it makes me really uncomfortable. Also, he told me that he got into porn while we were dating since we weren't having sex. I think both of these things made it difficult for me to feel close to him because I somehow feel violated.


MEM I read it over again and I feel so sorry for him and her. He probably does not know what hit him, what he did to make this happen to him. He did every thing right, did not have sex so that he could marry this girl. Now he is ready for the payoff and there is none. Little does he know, he did nothing wrong but just drew an unlucky card. 

I am sorry she was frightened away, I think is was grossly unfair. I feel sympathy for her husband because he is the innocent party and the wronged party in this. But the hostility that was directed towards her and the harping on blaming her is telling. 

They are both a products of a subculture that prepares people poorly for marital sex. I take no issue with no premarital sex stuff but I do take issue with the sexually repressive attitudes. The repression of woman is far more severe than men in these cultures. They both suffered for it. Where did the idea come in that she is blamed, no one is at fault, they are both products of the same sexually repressive culture and it affected both of them in different ways. 

He married a good girl and she is as advertised a good girl. Good girls don't like sex right. I'm being hyperbolic, in my humble opinion, men and women who value sexual purity from their partner, take a calculated risk that there will be no chemistry. Not her fault it's the system. 

If he wrote in, I would suggest he go with his wife for therapy perhaps sex therapy give it on year, make sure not to get pregnant and if sex is not red hot, not just tepid, hot then bag the marriage as a mistake. There is noting wrong with either of them.

I really don't see any evidence that she did actively did not like sex. She never had it. Women are not like men, we don't usually obsess about sex when we are virgins in our teens, we dream about being held, kissed and petted and loved for ourselves. 

She probably did not think of sex in detail just as an extension of tender touches. If her husband is inexperienced He may not have realized that a slow romantic approach might have gone a long way to having a wife that slowly ramped up to enjoying sex. But maybe not. 

I think she will mature a bit more meet some guy she really feels hot for and like sex with him. The chemistry between she and her husband may have been strong enough. 

But do you think that so young a girl would be sophisticated enough to understand or even know about the nuances of sexual attraction. You are right it is either there or not. But some people get married expecting sexual attraction to develop. Of course it doesn't but they don't know that. 

It's not a trivial mistake because it hurts a lot of people. It is not something that is widely known if she doesn't read Cosmo and has only had religious sex education which discourages all lustful feeling. It should make an appearance sometime after the I do's and entry into the honeymoon suit I guess.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

I think the lady who started this thread and I are in a similar spot, albeit as different sides of the coin. She's the wife who can't have sex with her husband, and I'm the husband who couldn't get any sex out of his wife for almost 4 yrs. I've only really had sex with her once in my life (see my thread for details). "cstell" seems to be a mirror image of my wife, and I a mirror image of her husband, with the following differences - I'm more patient, and my wife isn't grossed out by sex.. she just doesn't feel like it. Roughly the same thing, I'd say.

I know cstell is looking for help, and she's desperate. So am I. But I'm at least open to braving verbal abuse under an anonymous nickname on virtual forums. I actually posted my case on an escort review forum, because amazing as it may sound now, then I just could not find anywhere to go to look for answers. If cstell is offended by any comments anybody's made, she should try out a similar forum.. They absolutely butchered me.

I think cstell is an immature woman who doesn't know what love is, period. Deep down inside, she's insensitive to the needs of others and is only concerned with how she feels. Feel free to disagree here - but I didn't detect an ounce of patience in her quest for a solution. She's also run away.

Sorry if that sounds harsh to you, cstell, but grow up, seriously - your poor husband really, really loves you to stay a virgin till marriage for you and still remain patient. If you really love him you have to find yourself first - do you really love him? My personal view is that sex is primarily an emotional exchange. If you feel willing and safe enough to completely give up yourself to your husband, you'll do it voluntarily, braving any thoughts of the act grossing you out. Either you're not willing or don't feel safe enough with him, or you're being selfish, or at least not unselfish enough. Can't think of anything in between.

If you really love him, urgently seek out therapy, first on your own (as others have suggested), then with your husband. Talk to him, convince him that you're willing to go to the ends of the earth for him. Try to discover whatever turns you on, and tell him about it. I'd also suggest meditation and travel. Sometimes adventures help - go visit somewhere in Asia together or something.

Finally, stop making excuses for yourself, if you are in your mind. I know others do. Don't torment to poor thing at least. If you're not up for it, at least have the guts to end it.


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