# My wife wants to have an affair



## Eöl

Hello everyone, 

I am living a painful situation at the moment. I have been with my girl for almost 4 years now. We lived the biggest passion / love there can ever be between two beings. She told me in the first days of our relationship that she had a problem of rapidly loosing interest in her partners but that with me things seemed different. I have to mention that are beginnings where chaotic, my ex was constantly harassing, my girl was with a guy... I made her suffer a lot, because I was kind of elsewhere in my mind at the time and she probably felt I was slipping through her fingers. About a year after, things started to change, her sexual interest for me was much lower. I guess it paralleled the moment where no more suffering came from me and that I found stability (with the ex etc..). Time has passed, we bought a house together, she is actually now pregnant. And 2 months ago, she told me she was speaking with her ex (the dude she dumped for me) and really wanted to see him etc... 
I was unhappy of course, but eventually accepted. Now she is telling me that she would like to have an affair with him, that it is only sexual and that she loves me more than anything... she actually told me that I too should have an affair... and even tries to find me potential women... I have to say my heart bleeds, as much as I love her, I am a faithful guy, and really could have gave her my fidelity forever (a thing I never even thought of before knowing her...) I can't stand this situation. She has always been a very honest person and told me everything. Although lately she has been hiding stuff. I checked on her emails and found out they kissed... and that she is planning to go to his house... It really killed me, she is 6 months pregnant for christ's f**kin sake. She would cheat on me with my child in her womb. I never felt anything as painful believe me.. I don't know what to do... should I dump her ? what about the child... I was so sure she was THE one. My world is upside down.


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## jfv

LEAVE HER. There are plenty of woman that wouldn't do this to you.

DNA Test the Child. She cannot be trusted.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

jfv said:


> LEAVE HER. There are plenty of woman that wouldn't do this to you.
> 
> DNA Test the Child. She cannot be trusted.


I'm sorry for what you are going through but I cannot agree more with jfv. She is not worth the pain that she will put you through for the rest of your life. She is either very immature or completely lacks character ... likely both. Seriously. She knows you will not agree to this so she will go behind your back and do it anyway. Be responsible. If the child is yours, be in your child's life ... but you need to take a hard look at what this woman will do to you. The woman you are partnered is not the woman you are in love with. It is a lie and she is revealing herself. Your future can be so much better without her.


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## staystrong

Is this for real? Is SHE for real?

Dude, this ain't love bro. She is looney tunes. This is the grossest thing I've ever heard of. 

There's a good chance the child is not yours, then. Hmm.. she is 6 months pregnant. And 2 months ago she said she started talking to her ex. .. 6 minus 2 equals 4. Women typically wait until the third or fourth month to start announcing because you've passed the big miscarriage stage. It could be they hooked up and she thinks it's his because she's counting back to conception date. 

I'm really sorry you are in this position.

Consult a lawyer about divorce. If the child is yours, obviously you want to assist her up to and after the birth. It looks like you may have passed the point where you can do in utero paternity testing. 

Please recall:
"She told me in the first days of our relationship that she had a problem of rapidly loosing interest in her partners but that with me things seemed different." RED FLAG. Especially since it was still the "first days".


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## barbados

Eöl said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> She told me in the first days of our relationship that she had a problem of rapidly loosing interest in her partners but that with me things seemed different.



She told you this at the beginning, and it turns out that it was not different with you. This is clearly a person with issues and not into commitment. Time to move on. And DNA the child as soon as that becomes possible after the birth.


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## Maricha75

I would have serious doubts about the child being yours, tbh. She came to you 2 months ago, saying she wanted to have an affair with her ex, and that she has been "talking to him"...Sorry, I think it's more likely she was already screwing him and the baby could very likely be his. I would give her ONE chance (and it sounds like you have done nothing about this so far, so that's why I say I'd give her a chance. If you HAVE done something, then that would be the end of it).... that one chance would consist of the following:

1. NC with the ex.
2. Baby is being DNA tested, regardless...and if the baby is not yours, she's gone.
3. You have access to all of her social media, cell phone, email, etc...anytime you want.
4. If it is EVER discovered that she DID have sex with ANYONE else, she's gone.

And regarding her sexual interest waning? Really, are you that blind??? Does it REALLY need to be spelled out to you???


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## Hicks

Convince her to put the child up for adoption.


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## Love Song

Since this isn't what you want I suggest you set down clear boundaries. Let her know either you get a monogamous relationship or their won't be a relationship.


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## Flowers

DNA and forget about her!


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## sinnister

Leave her.


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## MattMatt

I went through this. It hurt like hell, she had her affair and did come back to me. So it is possible. Obviously std tests are a wise move to protect both of you.

My wife had her affair, I now realise, as a result of Asperger's Syndrome. Is this a possibility with your wife?

My heart goes out to you. My wife and I are still together, 24 years in May.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Just to be clear... Your wife doesn't "want" to have an affair. She IS having an affair. Now the question is "what are YOU going to do about it?

C


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## Count of Monte Cristo

She cheated with you and now she's cheating on you. 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a one-sided open marriage?

Let her go and move on. Also, DNA the baby and pray to god that it's not yours.


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## Stonewall

Run. Don't walk!


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## Eöl

I really believe the child is mine. I have proof she has been talking to him since 14th of December 2012. 
All of you seem to have the same point of view : leave her. I guess I will. 
I have to conceed to her that she tried to be honest with me though because she had the guts to tell me about the whole thing. Even though she didn't go through all the details I discovered afterwards. I know I would have been to much of a coward to do so in her place.
But you guys are right, there is too much suffering, the only point that really kills me is the baby, I want to be part of his life 100% wtf humans are really messed up...


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## chillymorn

sounds like she wants more sex with the true father of the baby.

you can wake up and smell the coffee or you can take back your life and move on to greener pastures.

THE CHOICE IS YOUR!


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## staystrong

Just be thankful you are not married. You would probably be responsible for this child even if it's not yours. 

I don't advise that you leave her while she's pregnant if you don't know the baby's not yours. You won't know until after she's given birth. If you leave her now and the baby's yours, that could harm your chances at custody (that's if you want custody). You should start documenting her affair with the ex. And please consult a lawyer.

You believe the child is yours. In this case, that's like believing the coin turn up heads instead of tails.


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## PBear

No offense, but she gave you warning signs early in the relationship, and you ignored them. Next time someone tells you who they are and how they think, pay attention to it. Especially if its negative!

The only way I think you should consider staying with her is if you give her one chance to come clean with you (without telling her that you know anything), that she agrees to therapy (individual, as she's broken), and you have totally transparent communication (shared passwords and phone information, etc.). Even then, I'd guess that her staying on the straight and narrow path is highly unlikely. 

C


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## Eöl

Chilly morn, he is not the true father of the baby, remember she dumped him for me 4 years ago... I hear you though..


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## Eöl

PBEAR : you are absolutely right, I thought our ties where stronger than they are, and didn't heed to her warnings. But we loved each other so much, we couldn't be without eachother for a minute ! and that lasted for at least 1 full year. I was blindfolded by love it is true... and it actually felt great, the downfall is equally as strong


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## Memento

Eöl said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am living a painful situation at the moment. I have been with my girl for almost 4 years now. We lived the biggest passion / love there can ever be between two beings. She told me in the first days of our relationship that she had a problem of rapidly loosing interest in her partners but that with me things seemed different. I have to mention that are beginnings where chaotic, my ex was constantly harassing, my girl was with a guy... I made her suffer a lot, because I was kind of elsewhere in my mind at the time and she probably felt I was slipping through her fingers. About a year after, things started to change, her sexual interest for me was much lower. I guess it paralleled the moment where no more suffering came from me and that I found stability (with the ex etc..). Time has passed, we bought a house together, she is actually now pregnant. And 2 months ago, she told me she was speaking with her ex (the dude she dumped for me) and really wanted to see him etc...
> I was unhappy of course, but eventually accepted. Now she is telling me that she would like to have an affair with him, that it is only sexual and that she loves me more than anything... she actually told me that I too should have an affair... and even tries to find me potential women... I have to say my heart bleeds, as much as I love her, I am a faithful guy, and really could have gave her my fidelity forever (a thing I never even thought of before knowing her...) I can't stand this situation. She has always been a very honest person and told me everything. Although lately she has been hiding stuff. I checked on her emails and found out they kissed... and that she is planning to go to his house... It really killed me, she is 6 months pregnant for christ's f**kin sake. She would cheat on me with my child in her womb. I never felt anything as painful believe me.. I don't know what to do... should I dump her ? what about the child... I was so sure she was THE one. My world is upside down.


A person that is in love WOULD NEVER say something like that!! She has already checked out of your relationship, you just didn't noticed.


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## chillymorn

Eöl said:


> Chilly morn, he is not the true father of the baby, remember she dumped him for me 4 years ago... I hear you though..


I think your in denial . kinda of strange that this all happened after she was knocked up.

I would bet my left nut that shes been sleeping with him for some time. and most likley she is with his child. 

at the very mimimun start snooping check phone bill and see if you come up with anything. and get a dna test after the baby is born ....befroe you put you name on the birth certificate. in some place once you accept the responcibiliyt it yours forever. even if a dna test later says its not yours.

I am sorry your going through this ulgy situation and most likley your head is spinning and not thinking properly. I'm just saying to protect yourself.and don't trust anything this woman tells you.


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## MattMatt

Memento said:


> A person that is in love WOULD NEVER say something like that!! She has already checked out of your relationship, you just didn't noticed.


But my wife did. And she was in love with me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eöl

How did you live with it ? Did you too have an affair ?


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## Eöl

And last but not least, did she continu on having affairs ?


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## Maricha75

Eöl said:


> And last but not least, did she continu on having affairs ?


Matt's wife is a special case. She has not had more affairs. Matt had a revenge affair. That's why Matt asked if Asperger's is a possibility in your wife's case... it doesn't excuse it, but easier to understand than someone who just hops from one bed to another.


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## Eöl

I really don't believe she has such symptoms... she is a smart and bright person, everything in her is balanced except that f**king dark passenger related to sex... it's really hard to understand, each day she says she loves me more than anything but that she is the way she is. I just don't know how to distinguish the truth anymore... and even if it IS true, I am sure I won't be able to handle it the way it is... I am just devastated that we are having a baby. It would've been so simple otherwise. I was so happy to become a father you know... all these issues ruined everything, it is so lame I still can't realize wtf is going on


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## Toffer

I couldn't even read the responses before replying and forgive me if others have already said this but your wife has already had sex with this guy

Regardless of your final decision, do NOT sign the birth certificate of your child until you DNA test to see if its yours

Her wanting to help you get wen is a direct indication that she has already had sex with someone and is looking to ease her conscience 

If I were you I'd be looking to end this marriage now and I am typically a supporter of staying together and at least trying to work things out but the depths of having relations with someone else when you're married and 6 months pregnant are too low to recover from

Good lick
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran

What kind of wife tells her husband she wants to have an A with an Ex? A wife who dont give a **** about her husband. who dont care about her marriage. women who is not a marriage materiel.
So run man run to the mountains. else she is going to be the pain in your a$$ for ever.


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## Eöl

Thanks for all the comments, I know I have to face it, the game is over. I still don't know what to do with the child... I just can't give him up, he is my flesh and blood. I am the moneymaker in the couple, I guess I will keep him. Of course I will do the test to make sure I am the real father even though I believe so.


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## PBear

Talk to a lawyer soon and find out what your rights and obligations are. Until you know your options, don't make any decisions.

C


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## Shaggy

First it isn't just sex she wants from him, if it was sex she would be doing a random guy. Instead she is with an EX do you know there are huge amounts of emotions going on here. 

So don't give her points for honesty. She did tell you she was going to cheat, but the rest is lies.

You might be able to save this, BUT, you are going to have go nuclear on her. You will have to draw the line and say you will not accept her cheating, you will not live in an open marriage.

Inform her, there is no room for negotiation. She is either faithful, honest, and transparent with you. Or the marriage ends now. You know she's already had make out sessions with him, and that stops and she must never have contact with him again.

You must show her that you will not accept that boundary bring crossed and that you will not accept any grey area.

You must be strong and bad ass and prepared to mean it and walk if she refuses or if she lies and crosses the boundary.

She has major issues I think. She was happy when she had drama from you before, she was happy when she has to fight for you. It gave you value in her eyes.

Now she has you and she no longer has to fight.

So she is bringing drama to the marriage by cheating.

To stop her you have to show her she s loosing you.

If you are soft, or negotiate, this will not work. She will call you bluff.

You can't bluff her.

Go nuke and you have a chance.


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## mahike

Really make sure the test is done. Are you two married or just shaking up?

She warned you from the start, I would bet that warning is I am already doing someone else. Yes trying to find you a partner to sleep with is trying to lessen her guilt. She is really messed up.


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## Aunt Ava

If the child is yours, then perhaps she will give you full custody so she will have time for her affairs. 

Unless you want a lifetime of pain I suggest you tell her that you will not be her plan B. Love and respect yourself enough to walk away.

Be strong when she comes crawling begging you to take her back. It's only a matter of time before he tires of her. DO NOT take her back, because this will become the cycle of life. 

DNA the baby, if it's not yours then cast her from your life and give thanks that you dodged a bullet. The next time a woman tells you she's a wh*re I suggest you believe her. 

Your relationship began as an affair, you know if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. Lesson learned?


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## PBear

BTW, have you done any digging? Like even looking at her phone bills, to see her texting/calling habits? You said you had proof she was talking to him since Dec 14, but do you know that they weren't talking before that?

C


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## Maricha75

Kallan Pavithran said:


> *What kind of wife tells her husband she wants to have an A with an Ex? *A wife who dont give a **** about her husband. who dont care about her marriage. women who is not a marriage materiel.
> So run man run to the mountains. else she is going to be the pain in your a$$ for ever.


I couldn't tell you.... but MattMatt could. That's what his wife did. And they are still together. And I would guess that he doesn't view her as a pain in his @$$!


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## Maricha75

Eöl said:


> I really don't believe she has such symptoms... she is a smart and bright person, everything in her is balanced except that f**king dark passenger related to sex... it's really hard to understand, each day she says she loves me more than anything but that she is the way she is. I just don't know how to distinguish the truth anymore... and even if it IS true, I am sure I won't be able to handle it the way it is... I am just devastated that we are having a baby. It would've been so simple otherwise. I was so happy to become a father you know... all these issues ruined everything, it is so lame I still can't realize wtf is going on


I believe much of what you have written here is also what MattMatt has said about his wife... she is a very intelligent woman, etc. I'm not saying this is your case, though. But as others stated, there IS something wrong with her. She cheated with you, she has cheated on you, and I bet she did the same in her other relationships as well. She needs professional help to figure out why she does this. That doesn't mean YOU have to stay with her... but she DOES need to figure this out.


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## Eöl

Well the guy is an ex. but they where together for a week when she dumped him for me... I don't know if the ties where that strong... We are NOT married thank god. Shaggy you are right for the being nuke. I will be. It's him or me no other way. but in a way our story is already stained... don't know if i will stay either way...


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## Eöl

Aunt Ava said:


> The next time a woman tells you she's a wh*re I suggest you believe her.


Believe me this will never be forgotten


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## Aunt Ava

We must not lose sight of the fact that MattMatt's situation was a very unusual case. And he vowed to her dying husband that he would always take care of her. MattMatt is a rare case.


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## Maricha75

Aunt Ava said:


> We must not lose sight of the fact that MattMatt's situation was a very unusual case. And he vowed to her dying husband that he would always take care of her. MattMatt is a rare case.


Absolutely...which is what I stated in the first place when he asked Matt whether they were still together. What I was pointing out was the fact that the OP here said his wife is smart, very bright... so he didn't think Asperger's was a possibility. I pointed out that Matt's wife is very intelligent as well, so he can't discount Asperger's. Each situation is different. Each has unique aspects. I'm not saying that OP HAS to stay with this woman. I am just wondering if there may be psych issues with her or Asperger's. That's all.


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## MattMatt

Maricha75 said:


> I couldn't tell you.... but MattMatt could. That's what his wife did. And they are still together. And I would guess that he doesn't view her as a pain in his @$$!


That's true! I love her as much as ever. Of course, I wish she had't had the affair, but we have to cope with reality!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eöl

Maricha, my girl and I spoke thoroughly about her issues. She said it isn't new. In her past, she always left her boyfriends because she had the yearning for novelty and didn't feel anything for the jilted guy. In our case she says she loves me deeply and can't leave me, that I am her pillar (hope she doesn't f**king think "food ticket"). That's probably why she thinks that having an affair might tame her impulses. I told her the more you feed it, the more it grows, she doesn't believe so...She says that she would rapidly grow tired of it anyway... sick I know. What can lead me on to know if she has Asperger's ?


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## Shadow_Nirvana

Eöl said:


> Maricha, my girl and I spoke thoroughly about her issues. She said it isn't new. In her past, she always left her boyfriends because she had the yearning for novelty and didn't feel anything for the jilted guy. In our case she says she loves me deeply and can't leave me, that I am her pillar (hope she doesn't f**king think "food ticket"). That's probably why she thinks that having an affair might tame her impulses. I told her the more you feed it, the more it grows, she doesn't believe so...She says that she would rapidly grow tired of it anyway... sick I know. What can lead me on to know if she has Asperger's ?


:scratchhead: Affair sex is one of the most intoxicating thing there is. It's tabboo, hidden, new sex.So, no, she won't get tired of it. She will get tired of you though, becuase in the end her bond will be with that guy not you. 

And are you absolutely %100 sure that she isn't already in an affair? There are some who do that, you know, start an affair and start asking the BS about an open marriage out of guilt?


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## MattMatt

Eöl said:


> Maricha, my girl and I spoke thoroughly about her issues. She said it isn't new. In her past, she always left her boyfriends because she had the yearning for novelty and didn't feel anything for the jilted guy. In our case she says she loves me deeply and can't leave me, that I am her pillar (hope she doesn't f**king think "food ticket"). That's probably why she thinks that having an affair might tame her impulses. I told her the more you feed it, the more it grows, she doesn't believe so...She says that she would rapidly grow tired of it anyway... sick I know. What can lead me on to know if she has Asperger's ?


There are tests available some online tests doctors can help.

Some hints will be very smart and clever yet do things that are weird. Can have evil temper. Also very jumpy with even small sounds, has problems relating to other people, has problems 'getting' jokes though may have odd sense of humour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

And what if she does have Asperger's? Does that change who she is? Or your current situation?

Of course she's telling you that she loves you deeply - without you, she's just a single mom with no support.

RUN!


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## Eöl

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> And are you absolutely %100 sure that she isn't already in an affair?


I had a peak at her Facebook private messaging (she doesn't know I found out the password), I saw messages from that di**head saying they kissed only and that he of course wanted more etc... pretty sure they didn't do anything else, moreover they saw eachother at a bar... Besides, remember she is 6 months pregant, she is noctious, feels like crap all the time etc... pretty sure nothing else happened except for all the messages of course...........


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## Eöl

MattMatt said:


> Some hints will be very smart and clever yet do things that are weird. Can have evil temper. Also very jumpy with even small sounds, has problems relating to other people, has problems 'getting' jokes though may have odd sense of humour.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe has problems relating to other people...she says, and I believe the same, that most people are just dull. The rest no way, she is a calm person, rarely gets angry. Has a very developed sense of humor (kind of a dude in some ways) not jumpy at all...


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## Shadow_Nirvana

Eöl said:


> I had a peak at her Facebook private messaging (she doesn't know I found out the password), I saw messages from that di**head saying they kissed only and that he of course wanted more etc... pretty sure they didn't do anything else, moreover they saw eachother at a bar... Besides, remember she is 6 months pregant, she is noctious, feels like crap all the time etc... pretty sure nothing else happened except for all the messages of course...........


So this is already a physical affair. Figured as much.

I dunno, man, this sounds like a very big sh!t test to me.


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## bryanp

It is time to immediate contact an attorney to determine and discuss your options. Your wife is very toxic to you. Just on the safe side get a paternity check on the child. Your wife will always be self-destructive. Do not allow her to take you down with her. Good luck.


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## Eöl

bryanp said:


> Your wife will always be self-destructive.


Do you think she will never be able to change ? even if she works on her issues ?


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## Aunt Ava

Did she say she was going to work on her issues? No, she said she was going to have an affair. As far as she's concerned you are the one with issues because you don't want her to have an affair.


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## Eöl

Aunt Ava said:


> Did she say she was going to work on her issues? No, she said she was going to have an affair. As far as she's concerned you are the one with issues because you don't want her to have an affair.


She has started seeing a psychiatrist. She went twice for the moment, it's a start. Don't know where that will head to


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## Shadow_Nirvana

People, she already kissed the OM, she's asking just to assuage her guilt.


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## Wanting1

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> And what if she does have Asperger's? Does that change who she is? Or your current situation?
> 
> Of course she's telling you that she loves you deeply - without you, she's just a single mom with no support.
> 
> RUN!


Exactly!! How does having Asperger syndrome somehow give you an "I Can Have An Affair With No Consequences" card? :scratchhead:


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## Maricha75

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> Exactly!! How does having Asperger syndrome somehow give you an "I Can Have An Affair With No Consequences" card? :scratchhead:


Sigh.... I **love** how what I say gets twisted sometimes. It DOESN'T give her a free pass. No more than BPD or Bipolar Disorder or God knows what other psychological/mental disorder gives someone "consequence free affair" card. The only point I was making was that IF it turns out that plays a part in it, it CAN be worked out.... IF and ONLY IF they want it to work. Just like ANY marriage/relationship after infidelity. 

Now, do I believe she has been having sex with this guy already? Yes. Do I believe it's been longer than 2 months? Yep. Do I suspect that the baby is likely to be her lover's? Absolutely. BUT, on the off chance that she IS telling the truth... well, OP has a lot of decisions to make. He says she is seeing a psychiatrist. That may get her head straight. But IF OP wants to stay with her, there needs to be boundaries set up, with clear consequences established. AND, if those boundaries are crossed... FOLLOW THROUGH with the consequences! And start NOW with the consequences, based on just the little you DO know for sure...


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## strugglinghusband

This should be how she looks to you now. See ya!!!


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## Toffer

A few points in summation:

This is how she's always been
If not now, eventually she'll doink another guy
She's meeting Exs at BARS while she PREGNANT
Aspergers has NOTHING to do with this
Talk to a lawyer to get the lowdown on paternity and what you need to do by when
Definitely DNA the kid to be sure it's yours (sorry but her current behavior and her history make this a huge question mark in my mind)

I would get as far away from this woman as I could.


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## MattMatt

Eöl said:


> Maybe has problems relating to other people...she says, and I believe the same, that most people are just dull. The rest no way, she is a calm person, rarely gets angry. Has a very developed sense of humor (*kind of a dude in some ways*) not jumpy at all...


Ah. That's interesting. My wife has some of that, too.

Your wife may have autism, or she may have some mental health issue or maybe sex abuse as a child? So many possibilities.

Counselling might be of benefit.


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## Shaggy

First a lot of women get very horny during second and third trimester.

What is she doing without you in a bar if she's pregnant ?

And the idea that having an affair would get it out of her system is so beyond ridiculous.

Maybe she should also try done meth to get it out of her too?

Affair sex is incredibly intense. It releases immense levels of dopamine into the brain. If anything it would further doom your relationship. It would bond her to him.

She's already feeling the dopamine btw from the kissing and the messages he's sending her. He doesn't need to have full on PIV sex to cause it. That's why she's pushing it so hard and throwing out desperately stupid ideas like it would be just sex and would help your relationship with her.

Yes, she actually suggested her having sex with another man would benefit you.

Don't even let this run as a fb convo any longer. 

Get Not Just Friends by Glass to see how these things escalate.

Already I would suggest you realize that this is an affair you are dealing with, not a proposed affair.

She's already secretly talking about sex with him behind your back. She's already letting him pursue her with attention and flirting and out right talk of sex.

She's having an affair.

She now wants your ok to let her cuckold you.


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## MattMatt

Toffer said:


> A few points in summation:
> 
> This is how she's always been
> If not now, eventually she'll doink another guy
> She's meeting Exs at BARS while she PREGNANT
> Aspergers has NOTHING to do with this
> Talk to a lawyer to get the lowdown on paternity and what you need to do by when
> Definitely DNA the kid to be sure it's yours (sorry but her current behavior and her history make this a huge question mark in my mind)
> 
> *I would get as far away from this woman as I could.*


Yeah, but with respect, Toffer, you do not love her, and maybe eol does?

If I'd have taken and acted on the advice I would have been given, my wife and I wouldn't be together, now. And I can't imagine that... Oh. Yes, I can.


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## BjornFree

Get a DNA test done before the baby is born. If you're lucky its not going to be yours. Meanwhile have the paperwork drawn up and start getting your finances in order. And last but not the least, don't miss out on the free poon, do her a favor and boink every prospective lover she finds for you. Good luck.


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## Eöl

Shaggy said:


> Get Not Just Friends by Glass to see how these things escalate.


Shaggy, I didn't catch this sentence... please explain

Thanks !


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## MattMatt

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> Exactly!! How does having Asperger syndrome somehow give you an "I Can Have An Affair With No Consequences" card? :scratchhead:


Maybe because *I* wanted it to? How about *that* for an answer?

And there *were* consequences. Remember, I had an EA that was on the point of getting into unprotected penetrative sex, but stopped myself at the last second?


----------



## MattMatt

This thread is in danger of becoming one of those unhelpful threads when a moderator has to come along to calm things down.

It's starting to trigger me somewhat and that's *not* good.

What advice would I have got if I had told my story as it was happening back then?

And that's what is triggering me.


----------



## Ever-Man

Eöl said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am living a painful situation at the moment. I have been with my girl for almost 4 years now. We lived the biggest passion / love there can ever be between two beings. She told me in the first days of our relationship that she had a problem of rapidly loosing interest in her partners but that with me things seemed different. I have to mention that are beginnings where chaotic, my ex was constantly harassing, my girl was with a guy... I made her suffer a lot, because I was kind of elsewhere in my mind at the time and she probably felt I was slipping through her fingers. About a year after, things started to change, her sexual interest for me was much lower. I guess it paralleled the moment where no more suffering came from me and that I found stability (with the ex etc..). Time has passed, we bought a house together, she is actually now pregnant. And 2 months ago, she told me she was speaking with her ex (the dude she dumped for me) and really wanted to see him etc...
> I was unhappy of course, but eventually accepted. Now she is telling me that she would like to have an affair with him, that it is only sexual and that she loves me more than anything... she actually told me that I too should have an affair... and even tries to find me potential women... I have to say my heart bleeds, as much as I love her, I am a faithful guy, and really could have gave her my fidelity forever (a thing I never even thought of before knowing her...) I can't stand this situation. She has always been a very honest person and told me everything. Although lately she has been hiding stuff. I checked on her emails and found out they kissed... and that she is planning to go to his house... It really killed me, she is 6 months pregnant for christ's f**kin sake. She would cheat on me with my child in her womb. I never felt anything as painful believe me.. I don't know what to do... should I dump her ? what about the child... I was so sure she was THE one. My world is upside down.


What a terrible situation, your "wife" is a cruel sick person. If this is not what you want tell her in no uncertain terms and prepare for a separation. Explain that if she really loved you, she would not feel this way. 

As for her being pregnant, tell her you don't want to raise a family with her and she should get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption. Start to deny it is your child, question the timing of the conception. 

I cannot believe she would get pregnant and THEN request the open marriage. What a cruel person. She is planning on ruining your life, your babies life, so she could have a good time. 

Do you make a good salary, and she makes none? SHe could be playing you completely, as there are woman who are like this, very cruel.


----------



## Shaggy

Eöl said:


> Shaggy, I didn't catch this sentence... please explain
> 
> Thanks !


Not Just Friends by S. Glass is a book on affairs. It explains how relationships with opposite sex friends escalate into affairs and overtake the regular relationship.


----------



## Shaggy

Btw there is a especially nasty element here. She wants to cheat and live in an open marriage with the man who's kid she is supposed to be carrying.

That's very very nasty as this should be a time of bonding as you prepare to become a family.

It's also nasty that the OM wants to have sex with a pregnant woman carrying another mans child.


----------



## Ever-Man

Eöl said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am living a painful situation at the moment. I have been with my girl for almost 4 years now. We lived the biggest passion / love there can ever be between two beings. She told me in the first days of our relationship that she had a problem of rapidly loosing interest in her partners but that with me things seemed different. I have to mention that are beginnings where chaotic, my ex was constantly harassing, my girl was with a guy... I made her suffer a lot, because I was kind of elsewhere in my mind at the time and she probably felt I was slipping through her fingers. About a year after, things started to change, her sexual interest for me was much lower. I guess it paralleled the moment where no more suffering came from me and that I found stability (with the ex etc..). Time has passed, we bought a house together, she is actually now pregnant. And 2 months ago, she told me she was speaking with her ex (the dude she dumped for me) and really wanted to see him etc...
> I was unhappy of course, but eventually accepted. Now she is telling me that she would like to have an affair with him, that it is only sexual and that she loves me more than anything... she actually told me that I too should have an affair... and even tries to find me potential women... I have to say my heart bleeds, as much as I love her, I am a faithful guy, and really could have gave her my fidelity forever (a thing I never even thought of before knowing her...) I can't stand this situation. She has always been a very honest person and told me everything. Although lately she has been hiding stuff. I checked on her emails and found out they kissed... and that she is planning to go to his house... It really killed me, she is 6 months pregnant for christ's f**kin sake. She would cheat on me with my child in her womb. I never felt anything as painful believe me.. I don't know what to do... should I dump her ? what about the child... I was so sure she was THE one. My world is upside down.


Re-read this, sorry for the abortion suggestion, I thought she was only 2 months along. Anyway, if you suggest an abortion this may shock her into being sensible. 

your in a bad spot as raising a child in a divorce situation is the WORST EXPERIENCE of child rearing. I am very sorry for your predicament, you need to be strong, I fear for your ability to handle all this. You will find many sympathetic victims on this site, you need to get your support system in order and understand that the woman you love is not looking out for your best interests. In the end, no woman ever does. 

In the end we are all alone in this world, sad truth I learned when the person I loved most in the world used my heart, love and devotion for her as a tool for her own "discovery" and then flushed me down the toilet as she laughed at what a weak, broken man she turned me into. Oh yeah, she also told me she loved me. 

It sounds like this is happening to you, your wife is likely your greatest enemy right now.


----------



## Eöl

Ever-Man said:


> I cannot believe she would get pregnant and THEN request the open marriage.
> 
> Do you make a good salary, and she makes none? SHe could be playing you completely, as there are woman who are like this, very cruel.


1- well she talked to me about her problems at the very beginning as warning but as I didn't feel anything of the sort (the passion between us was unlimited) I didn't listen my friend...

2- I make an ok salary, she makes 0$ her parents have money, they supply her, I know it sucks, but she has issues with finding a job... 

An odd thing I didn't mention : in the messages I checked between her and the buttf**k she told him I was her "husband" and that she would never leave me, he actually got pissed off


----------



## Toffer

But apparently she'll still F him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eöl

You know what I just rechecked her mess now, and they actually had a fight LOL... he is losing patience and she really doesn't like it. Told him to go f himself... should I wait and see what happens or go nuke on her regardlessly ?


----------



## BjornFree

Toffer said:


> But apparently she'll still F him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Talk about being content with scraps off the table.

OP, you show all the signs of a classic codependent.


----------



## Ever-Man

Eöl said:


> 1- well she talked to me about her problems at the very beginning as warning but as I didn't feel anything of the sort (the passion between us was unlimited) I didn't listen my friend...
> 
> 2- I make an ok salary, she makes 0$ her parents have money, they supply her, I know it sucks, but she has issues with finding a job...
> 
> An odd thing I didn't mention : in the messages I checked between her and the buttf**k she told him I was her "husband" and that she would never leave me, he actually got pissed off


That is interesting, about the creep who would ruin a family family for an orgasm. 

I think you need to contact her parents and expalin your scenario and inquire if she is mentally ill. 

ALso explain that this beloved wife of yours will end up living in their home and THEY, the grandparents will be raising the child. 

Alternately, if you can handle this, you can acquiese to an open marriage (all else failing, and divorce perhaps being a worse situation than an open marriage, at least with young children) and just go with it. The advantage is you can have her, and other woman, if you think you can deal with this. This depends on HOW MUCH, and HOW you love her. 

My neighbors accross the street had this arragnement for their whole 17 YEAR MARRIAGE, but it ended when the wife started feeling like she was being *****d out by her husband, he actually had no desire for her, but one of her affair partners fell in love with her exclusively, and she divorced the X creep to be with him.


----------



## PBear

Eöl said:


> You know what I just rechecked her mess now, and they actually had a fight LOL... he is losing patience and she really doesn't like it. Told him to go f himself... should I wait and see what happens or go nuke on her regardlessly ?


You haven't figured it out yet. Your wife is broken. Until she's "fixed", you're in for a lifetime of this cycle. Is that what you want?

C


----------



## Ever-Man

Eöl said:


> You know what I just rechecked her mess now, and they actually had a fight LOL... he is losing patience and she really doesn't like it. Told him to go f himself... should I wait and see what happens or go nuke on her regardlessly ?


Ha, tell her you met a sexy woman the other night and you are heading over to her place to spend the night. 

Start going out every night this week and coming home late. 

Stop having sex with her.

call her bluff.


----------



## Eöl

PBear said:


> You haven't figured it out yet. Your wife is broken. Until she's "fixed", you're in for a lifetime of this cycle. Is that what you want?
> 
> C


I know she has a f up side... the problem is that I love her I am doomed to misery both ways if I stay or if I go


----------



## Wanting1

MattMatt said:


> Maybe because *I* wanted it to? How about *that* for an answer?
> 
> And there *were* consequences. Remember, I had an EA that was on the point of getting into unprotected penetrative sex, but stopped myself at the last second?


You know, MattMatt, that's the first time I've responded to the many times that you have put your wife's infidelity on her Asperger's syndrome. Mostly, I haven't responded before because I don't agree with the presumption that Asperger's causes affairs.

But.....I totally agree that if that is what you need to believe, then that is what is true for *your* marriage and that's that. I won't t/j further, but I do want to say that I admire the fact that you have forgiven your wife and owned your own mistakes and built a good marriage out of bad situation.


----------



## Entropy3000

Eöl said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am living a painful situation at the moment. I have been with my girl for almost 4 years now. We lived the biggest passion / love there can ever be between two beings. She told me in the first days of our relationship that she had a problem of rapidly loosing interest in her partners but that with me things seemed different. I have to mention that are beginnings where chaotic, my ex was constantly harassing, my girl was with a guy... I made her suffer a lot, because I was kind of elsewhere in my mind at the time and she probably felt I was slipping through her fingers. About a year after, things started to change, her sexual interest for me was much lower. I guess it paralleled the moment where no more suffering came from me and that I found stability (with the ex etc..). Time has passed, we bought a house together, she is actually now pregnant. And 2 months ago, she told me she was speaking with her ex (the dude she dumped for me) and really wanted to see him etc...
> I was unhappy of course, but eventually accepted. Now she is telling me that she would like to have an affair with him, that it is only sexual and that she loves me more than anything... she actually told me that I too should have an affair... and even tries to find me potential women... I have to say my heart bleeds, as much as I love her, I am a faithful guy, and really could have gave her my fidelity forever (a thing I never even thought of before knowing her...) I can't stand this situation. She has always been a very honest person and told me everything. Although lately she has been hiding stuff. I checked on her emails and found out they kissed... and that she is planning to go to his house... It really killed me, she is 6 months pregnant for christ's f**kin sake. She would cheat on me with my child in her womb. I never felt anything as painful believe me.. I don't know what to do... should I dump her ? what about the child... I was so sure she was THE one. My world is upside down.


You did not choose wisely.

She told you.

This is not a owman who will ever be faithful to you. She wants an opne marriage.

The real shame is not the time or even the home. But the child.

The child may not be yours.

I find this odd behavior from a pregnant woman. Yeah some women get horny but one would think she would want bond with the father. Then again perhaps not.


----------



## Ever-Man

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> You know, MattMatt, that's the first time I've responded to the many times that you have put your wife's infidelity on her Asperger's syndrome. Mostly, I haven't responded before because I don't agree with the presumption that Asperger's causes affairs.
> 
> But.....I totally agree that if that is what you need to believe, then that is what is true for *your* marriage and that's that. I won't t/j further, but I do want to say that I admire the fact that you have forgiven your wife and owned your own mistakes and built a good marriage out of bad situation.



Aspergers causes affairs? My wife has admitted to being on the spectrum, and with OCD too. 

I would think that aspergers would be less passionate as they often have trouble connecting, and don't like tactile stimulation.


----------



## PBear

Eöl said:


> I know she has a f up side... the problem is that I love her I am doomed to misery both ways if I stay or if I go


I believe that you love the person you THINK she is, not the person that she actually is. 

Have you confronted her with what you know already?

My thought... Move on. Or at least, start moving on. Maybe if she sees how serious the situation is, she'll take it seriously. But if not, in time you'll be in position to find someone who you can really love. All of them. Not just the fun parts.

C


----------



## Entropy3000

Eöl said:


> Do you think she will never be able to change ? even if she works on her issues ?


No


----------



## Ever-Man

Eöl said:


> I know she has a f up side... the problem is that I love her I am doomed to misery both ways if I stay or if I go


All woman have an f-d up side, and sometimes that can be used to your advantage. Many f'd up woman are freaks in bed, but often hyper-sexual woman need multiple sexual experiences in order to be completely fullfilled. Woman who go inot porn often talk about how they have an insatiable desire to have sex with strangers. Sex with men OUTSIDE OF A RELATIONSHIP is what they desire. If one chooses a woman like this, it can be the glory of the damned. 

Personally, in your situation, I might choose an open marriage in lui if divorce, if there is no other alternative. That is easier then working hard for the impossible to happen. It may likely end in divorce eventually, most open marriages do, or she may tire of it and request fidelity. But if the marriage is open YOU HAVE TO HAVE GIRLFRIENDS for ti to work.


----------



## Entropy3000

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, but with respect, Toffer, you do not love her, and maybe eol does?
> 
> If I'd have taken and acted on the advice I would have been given, my wife and I wouldn't be together, now. And I can't imagine that... Oh. Yes, I can.


We can love many people. EOL can love someone actually worthy of it.


----------



## Entropy3000

Eöl said:


> You know what I just rechecked her mess now, and they actually had a fight LOL... he is losing patience and she really doesn't like it. Told him to go f himself... should I wait and see what happens or go nuke on her regardlessly ?


Do not wait. If it is not this guy it will be another.

It really does not matter if she went through with the affair or not. He trying to have an affair is what matters most.


----------



## alte Dame

There was a thread here recently where the WW was angry at her BH because he was leaving her when she was in an A. She told him that if he really loved her, he would let her get her 'fling' out of her system and be waiting for her when she was finished. How else could she self-actualize, she reasoned. If he truly loved her, he would want the best for her. And on and on, blah, blah, blah.

So, some people are really that selfish and believe that life is their journey of self-gratification, the satisfaction of which should never be denied.

Your W sounds like one of these completely self-absorbed people. She announces that she dumps and treats people badly the minute she loses interest. This is a shallow, shallow person with no real empathy or maturity.

You are not married, so that is good. You should definitely DNA the child. Usually, when women announce these things, they are not really being honest. Rather, they are telling you that they are just starting to think in a certain way when they've actually been deep into the fog for a long time.

She's not good wife material. She's not good mom material. You will make your own choice, but she will continue to hurt you. Of that, I have no doubt.


----------



## seasalt

Since I won't be the first as others have diagnosed her as having Aspergers or Autism I will offer that she is a cheater with acute unremorsefullness.

For no extra charge at the risk of being banned i diagnose you as someone without a clue.

Seasalt


----------



## alte Dame

Regarding the Aspergers possibility, I have to call questionable logic on this. From reading the thread, it looks like the fact that OPs partner announced her desires rang a bell because MattMatt's W did that as well. It doesn't follow, however, that anyone who openly declares a desire to have extramarital sex has Aspergers Syndrome. There's nothing obvious in OP's description, in my opinion, that would credibly allow one to conclude that that is what's going on. (Sure, she could have it, but the discussion here does nothing to seriously support it, imo.)


----------



## Shaggy

If anything you should be going nuke during their falling out.

This guy thinks he's gonna get free sex. She's telling him its completely without any commitment. He'll figure out he's being an idiot and will make nice again to get her in bed.


----------



## MattMatt

BjornFree said:


> Talk about being content with scraps off the table.
> 
> OP, you show all the signs of a classic codependent.


That's not helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HappyHubby

MattMatt said:


> That's not helpful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe it is helpful actually.. EOL, harsh, seemingly unhelpful comments can often be your biggest teacher within these threads. 

If your ego is being attacked from this situation, defend it. GET MAD. Get TOUGH. Be strong and uncompromising. 

These comments can help build that anger and resolve to not be made a fool, a cuckold, a whipped dog begging for scraps. 

You deserve better, you know it. We are supporting you and want you to earn your own self-respect back. Do it, and we will all be immensely proud. Even better, the pride you will feel for sticking up for yourself and making decisions based on principle will be priceless and outlast any pain she causes you. You pride will be with you your entire life. Act weak and be dictated to by your wife in this horrible way and shame will be what sticks with you. 

Figure it out. Do whats right for you.


----------



## Ever-Man

Eöl said:


> I know she has a f up side... the problem is that I love her I am doomed to misery both ways if I stay or if I go


If you leave her you will get over it, if you stay you will have your heart broken over and over again, through the years. 

If the child is not yours, I would leave this woman. If the child is yours, you may want to keep the relationship for the birth and arrival of your baby to avoid how AWFUL divorced parenting can be. perhaps after the baby is born she will focus on loving the the "family". 

Your in a tough spot.


----------



## Eöl

OK, I did it, I went nuke on her. I started by saying : do you love me ? she answered "I do". I said in that case prove it, either you chose me and never have any contacts whatsoever with him, either I am out of your life. The hard part was her reaction... she seemed anguished and asked the evening to think it over... I am heartbroken I thought the answer was so evident... you guys were right she is already far away. 

I can't believe I was so confident, life sucks sometimes and the real pain I feel is for the baby... his parents might be separated even before his arrival... the worst thing ever for me really. Anyway, there is no point in complaining. Thanks to all of you for your reactivity and support, you helped me to see clear and be strong, thanks again


----------



## PBear

Eöl said:


> OK, I did it, I went nuke on her. I started by saying : do you love me ? she answered "I do". I said in that case prove it, either you chose me and never have any contacts whatsoever with him, either I am out of your life. The hard part was her reaction... she seemed anguished and asked the evening to think it over... I am heartbroken I thought the answer was so evident... you guys were right she is already far away.
> 
> I can't believe I was so confident, life sucks sometimes and the real pain I feel is for the baby... his parents might be separated even before his arrival... the worst thing ever for me really. Anyway, there is no point in complaining. Thanks to all of you for your reactivity and support, you helped me to see clear and be strong, thanks again


No offense, but that's a very wishy-washy "nuke". You've left her in the driver's seat. The whole point should have been for you to say this is what needs to happen, starting right now. Any failure on her part, end of marriage. That would mean a full confession from her, total transparency of all her communication devices and accounts, a no-contact letter to the other guy, etc.

C


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

Painful read. The story and some of the comments. 

*Random thoughts.....*

All these speculations regarding medical conditions, disorders, and the like are kind of painful to read.... 

I don't think you should be focused on cure, a 'pill' or some intensive psychotherapy... 

IMHO... simply put your wife is a garden variety, spoiled entitled b*tch. she's got some deep issues, like most people do. But she's gotten away with them her whole life so shes had no reason to change. She just goes on a whim and does what she wants. Why? because she learned she phucking can. 

You got two choices...

*1. * Try to re-train her and manage her the rest of your life. Be warned, even if you are able to break this stallion that doesnt mean sh*t. She will need to be re-broken, and re-trained regularly. That will become "the game" of your life and marraige. While she's broken and trotting "in form" you will get some high passion and a dream partner. But it will be exhausting, and your chance of lifelong success managing her, maybe 1 in 10.

*2.* Get the phuck out.

Funny thing is, you might choose option two because it doesnt sound like your head it that far up your *** and you understand whats happening, and what she is to some degree. Here's the irony of that... and when you choose # 2.... THAT will break the stallion... for awhile anyway... 

If you choose to stay once she's "back" to being yours and yours alone..... Circle back here in a year or two when it's time to re-break her and your a mess again. I don't know if you can't grasp what that will be like once you have a child and 'family unit' at stake though...

Hopefully your survival instincts are strong, and you bail and stay bailed.

*These are just my random thoughts, for whats they are worth.*


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

PBear said:


> No offense, but that's a very wishy-washy "nuke". You've left her in the driver's seat. The whole point should have been for you to say this is what needs to happen, starting right now. Any failure on her part, end of marriage. That would mean a full confession from her, total transparency of all her communication devices and accounts, a no-contact letter to the other guy, etc.
> 
> C


:iagree:

Her response reminds me of the old cartoon where the bandit says 'your money or your life?' and the guy being held up responds 'I'm thinking, I'm thinking.'

Her having to think about it IS your answer.

Introduce her to the curb.


----------



## DavidWYoung

Some here MIGHT say, that wanting to have sex with the ex is a RED FLAG!

Just saying!


----------



## TRy

Eöl said:


> OK, I did it, I went nuke on her. I started by saying : do you love me ? she answered "I do". I said in that case prove it, either you chose me and never have any contacts whatsoever with him, either I am out of your life. The hard part was her reaction... she seemed anguished and asked the evening to think it over... I am heartbroken I thought the answer was so evident... you guys were right she is already far away.


 This shows you that her having an affair with her ex was not a request for your permission, but a statement of what she was going to do. You confused disrespect for honesty. To be able to tell you to your face that she was going to have an affair lets you know that she has no respect for you at all. 

Do not wait for her answer like a scared puppy dog. Confront her now no matter what she is doing. Tell that the only correct answer was her immediately picking you. Reclaim what little self respect that you can from this situation by telling her that the fact that she needed to even think about is enough of an answer for you to move on. Tell her that it is over and that you want a DNA test on the child. If she quickly changes direction, decides on you, and begs you to stay, do not even think about taking her back right away. Tell her that you need to think about it. Then really think about if you really want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulders with this woman.


----------



## bfree

TRy said:


> This shows you that her having an affair with her ex was not a request for your permission, but a statement of what she was going to do. or already did You confused disrespect for honesty. To be able to tell you to your face that she was going to have an affair lets you know that she has no respect for you at all.
> 
> Do not wait for her answer like a scared puppy dog. Confront her now no matter what she is doing. Tell that the only correct answer was her immediately picking you. Reclaim what little self respect that you can from this situation by telling her that the fact that she needed to even think about is enough of an answer for you to move on. Tell her that it is over and that you want a DNA test on the child. If she quickly changes direction, decides on you, and begs you to stay, do not even think about taking her back right away. Tell her that you need to think about it. Then really think about if you really want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulders with this woman.


You still need to DNA test the child. A woman like this cannot be trusted to be faithful She told you that already. Whether she was having sex with her ex or not you don't know who else she might have been with. Get an STD test for yourself and send her packing to her parents. When the kid is born check paternity. I bet you it isn't yours. When a woman is pregnant they bond with the father of their baby. Its a biological failsafe so that her and her child are protected and cared for. It certainly doesn't seem like she is bonding with you does it?


----------



## MattMatt

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> You know, MattMatt, that's the first time I've responded to the many times that you have put your wife's infidelity on her Asperger's syndrome. Mostly, I haven't responded before because I don't agree with the presumption that Asperger's causes affairs.
> 
> But.....I totally agree that if that is what you need to believe, then that is what is true for *your* marriage and that's that. I won't t/j further, but I do want to say that I admire the fact that you have forgiven your wife and owned your own mistakes and built a good marriage out of bad situation.


Thank you. 

At the time of my wife's infidelity I hadn't any idea as to why she had done what she did. All I knew is that I felt crushed, hurt and humiliated.

Incidentally, understanding that her mental make-up might have been a cause came years later.


----------



## MattMatt

DavidWYoung said:


> Some here MIGHT say, that wanting to have sex with the ex is a RED FLAG!
> 
> Just saying!


That's who my wife had her affair with. An ex.


----------



## Maricha75

Eöl said:


> OK, I did it, I went nuke on her. I started by saying : do you love me ? she answered "I do". I said in that case prove it, either you chose me and never have any contacts whatsoever with him, either I am out of your life. The hard part was her reaction... she seemed anguished and *asked the evening to think it over*... I am heartbroken I thought the answer was so evident... you guys were right she is already far away.
> 
> I can't believe I was so confident, life sucks sometimes and the real pain I feel is for the baby... his parents might be separated even before his arrival... the worst thing ever for me really. Anyway, there is no point in complaining. Thanks to all of you for your reactivity and support, you helped me to see clear and be strong, thanks again


Ok, I have to say...my response would have been "That's all the answer I needed...Goodbye, have a nice life. IF the baby turns out to be mine, I will take care of him. But otherwise? You are out of my life." I know I was the one who mentioned mental illness in the first place, but the response to your request... no. That is something I couldn't handle. Having to THINK about which one she wants more? While she (presumably) is carrying YOUR child??? Ugh!


----------



## Jasel

Eöl said:


> I really believe the child is mine.


Then DNA testing won't hurt. 

Sorry you're going through this but I agree with everyone else. Bail. And get a DNA test.


----------



## MattMatt

PBear said:


> No offense, but that's a very wishy-washy "nuke". You've left her in the driver's seat. The whole point should have been for you to say this is what needs to happen, starting right now. Any failure on her part, end of marriage. That would mean a full confession from her, total transparency of all her communication devices and accounts, a no-contact letter to the other guy, etc.
> 
> C


It's as nuke as he was able to go, perhaps?

I think he did OK, considering the amount of pain he was in.


----------



## PBear

MattMatt said:


> It's as nuke as he was able to go, perhaps?
> 
> I think he did OK, considering the amount of pain he was in.


Perhaps indeed..

C


----------



## Toffer

E,

As others have said and you seem to acknowledge, her lack of an answer IS an answer.

DO NOT let your name go on the birth certificate UNTIL you confirm the baby is in fact yours. I think by now that you can at least acknowledge the possibility that the child may not be yours. If you accept it as yours and later on decide to check and find out it isn't, you'll most likely be stuck providing support for it through adulthood.

As I (and others) have said earlier on, this affair probably runs longer and deeper than you've been led to believe.

I realize the love you feel for this woman but it is obviously not returned. Why would you want to waste any more of your precious life on her? You need to deal with the issues before you and then move on with your life and find a woman who only wants to be with YOU

Good Luck


----------



## Shaggy

So at this point you have gotten your answer loud and clear.

I'm betting she's trying to figure out how negotiate continuing the affair, or she is seeing if the OM will put her up for a few days.

Or she's off at the OMs place or in contact with him asking what she should do?

Either way, you gave her a fair and honest chance to choose you and she chose not to be true to you. Doesn't matter if she ends up with him or not, this wasn't about if she would choose him. It was entirely does she completely choose you. And clearly she didn't,.

My advice, go dark immediately, and do not be still around to hear her decision. You've already got the honest answer from her. The next one will be full of lies.


----------



## Chaparral

You haven't said whether the POSOM is amrried or in a relationship, is he?

Why was your partner in a bar? Married folks have no business in a bar without there hubby.

Download the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER at amazon.com now.

Put the OM on cheaterville.com

Help her decide, go get some moving boxes and start putting her stuff in it.

Tell her you want a DNA test on the baby.

Look back through the last six moths at her phone/text records.

Be strong, do not cry infront of her. Do not act needy. Let her think you are already thinking about how to find a new woman that thinks cheating is disgusting.

*MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER..................NOW*

You might find jealousy is actually a good weapon no matter what she says.


----------



## Shaggy

I recommend you go out alone tonight and see a good guy movie. One she would never go to.


----------



## cledus_snow

*



My wife wants to have an affair

Click to expand...

*oy vey. this says it all.


people don't say "i want to have an affair." they're most likely already in an affair by this time.


----------



## Rags

MattMatt said:


> It's as nuke as he was able to go, perhaps?
> 
> I think he did OK, considering the amount of pain he was in.


Tac nuke, rather than ICBM .... but, at least she has some idea that this pleasant cake experience isn't likely to continue, and maybe she might start to think ...

(Whether they R or D, or whatever, thinking is a 'Good Thing')


----------



## martyc47

MattMatt said:


> I went through this. It hurt like hell, she had her affair and did come back to me. So it is possible. Obviously std tests are a wise move to protect both of you.
> 
> My wife had her affair, I now realise, as a result of Asperger's Syndrome. Is this a possibility with your wife?
> 
> My heart goes out to you. My wife and I are still together, 24 years in May.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your pregnant wife had an affair while she was pregnant with your (or another man's?) kid? And it was due to Asperger's?


----------



## martyc47

Eöl said:


> I had a peak at her Facebook private messaging (she doesn't know I found out the password), I saw messages from that di**head saying they kissed only and that he of course wanted more etc... pretty sure they didn't do anything else, moreover they saw eachother at a bar... Besides, remember she is 6 months pregant, she is noctious, feels like crap all the time etc... pretty sure nothing else happened except for all the messages of course...........


When my wife was 6 months pregnant, she wanted sex with me constantly. And our relationship really wasnt that great before or during the pregnancy. But once it happened, all she wanted to do was have sex with me, not other dudes. She would get mad if I couldn't have sex with her at a moment's notice. She wanted me on-call 24/7. She wanted to have sex with the father of the baby...

I understand some people are just bat**** crazy, but that's just another reason not to be in the relationship.


----------



## HappyHubby

Anything new to report Eol?


----------



## Eöl

Thanks for your interest Happyhubby, 

Last time she promised me she wouldn't speak to him again and blabla. I regularly checked her and noticed it wasn't true... 
I went NUKE on her big time two days ago, I SHOUTED (like I never did before in 3 years) at her face for about 1 hour saying that if she has any contact whatsoever with that a**hole I would leave straight away and she would never see me again. She deleted + blocked him from FB, put him on a blacklist on her phone. She promised me she would do anything to get our family back on track. I said I don't believe a word of what she says, because she lied to my face way to often. And that "time will tell" I need solid proof of what she does and says or else I won't believe anything, not a god damn word. I have her mailbox password, her FB password. And I will check regularly her phone calls I now have access to her phone bills. But you know, I don't know if I will hold. All of this story stained my love for her too. I didn't express it yet, I will wait and see what happens and how I will feel in a while. I don't want to take hasty decisions, although if she doesn't respect what she promised I'm OUT and will not bend. 

Between a rock and hard place as we say, that's where I am. But I will strong, my survival / sanity depends on it

cheers


----------



## IsthisInsanity?

still weird story bro


----------



## Jasel

Good job. One thing I will say though is don't make threats or give ultimatums that you don't back up when she crosses lines you draw in the sand. You can yell and scream till you're blue in the face but if she doesn't think you make good on your threats that gives her even less of an incentive to follow the rules you set down.

If you catch her contacting him again, you kick her out the door or you leave like you said you would. Period.


----------



## Chaparral

Why would you leave? Drop herboff at her parents, tell them why, and tell them you will drop all her stuffbthere later.


----------



## Shaggy

So you caught them making contact. Are you sure at this point for sure that they aren't hooking up and each time it's just going deeper underground?


----------



## brokin4hymn

kissing is sexual, and its immoral to do with any other than your own spouse or girlfriend. If you stay with her you WILL become a complete wreck, and loose your mind. Jesus in Matthew 19:9 says divorce and never look back. Help her see she's headed toward a very dark place. her donfession of kissing is grounds...LEAVE HER OR BE RUINED!


----------



## warlock07

MattMatt's responses in this thread are interesting


----------



## Chaparral

brokin4hymn said:


> kissing is sexual, and its immoral to do with any other than your own spouse or girlfriend. If you stay with her you WILL become a complete wreck, and loose your mind. Jesus in Matthew 19:9 says divorce and never look back. Help her see she's headed toward a very dark place. her donfession of kissing is grounds...LEAVE HER OR BE RUINED!


Pastors I have heard ,say divorcing for infidelity has to be because of real penetrative sex.


----------



## Eöl

Shaggy said:


> So you caught them making contact. Are you sure at this point for sure that they aren't hooking up and each time it's just going deeper underground?


Yeah I am sure, we live in a remote location, she doesn't have a car, the OM lives far away and has a time consuming job. Moreover she is pregnant, is tired has pain etc... There is no way she can see him without me knowing


----------



## Maricha75

brokin4hymn said:


> kissing is sexual, and its immoral to do with any other than your own spouse or girlfriend. If you stay with her you WILL become a complete wreck, and loose your mind. *Jesus in Matthew 19:9 says divorce and never look back.* Help her see she's headed toward a very dark place. her donfession of kissing is grounds...LEAVE HER OR BE RUINED!


He most certainly did NOT say that! If you're going to post Scripture, at least have the decency to keep it in context!

"They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?

He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." Matthew 19:7-9

He didn't say "divorce and never look back". He said it isn't lawful to divorce for anything BUT fornication. And this came into the discussion because of people divorcing, or wishing to divorce "just because". He was setting them straight as to why God allowed for divorce, when He disapproves of it.

Eol, sorry for the threadjack.


----------



## Shaggy

Eöl said:


> Yeah I am sure, we live in a remote location, she doesn't have a car, the OM lives far away and has a time consuming job. Moreover she is pregnant, is tired has pain etc... There is no way she can see him without me knowing


All good reason why an affair wouldn't work, yet she planned on having one so she thinks they are all things she can work around. Meaning don't get complacent.


----------



## TOMTEFAR

Any updates?


----------



## Eöl

Nothing really new for the moment.. we are working things out, she didn't have any contacts with the OM for over a week now. She doesn't seem to be to annoyed by it anymore, that's quite positive for me. Although I am paranoid, jealous and don't trust her for a second. That's really the hard part : to feel you can't trust your soulmate... she says that she won't have an affair if I am not ready to do the same... the thing is, I love my girl and have absolutely no desire to have an affair ! Am I a strange man ? is it odd to not want to conquer every appealing women one encounters ? I don't know what is strange or not anymore... I though being a faithfull man was a virtue few women were granted... but all in all I believe that the faithfull one always gets robbed... when you give everything to your partner he/she takes it for granted and takes the high ground in the relationship, that is the moment where they can cross the limit, lucky for me I reacted swiftly and changed many things... too bad I didn't react BEFORE, but better late than never..


----------



## bfree

Eöl said:


> Nothing really new for the moment.. we are working things out, she didn't have any contacts with the OM for over a week now. She doesn't seem to be to annoyed by it anymore, that's quite positive for me. Although I am paranoid, jealous and don't trust her for a second. That's really the hard part : to feel you can't trust your soulmate... she says that she won't have an affair if I am not ready to do the same... the thing is, I love my girl and have absolutely no desire to have an affair ! Am I a strange man ? is it odd to not want to conquer every appealing women one encounters ? I don't know what is strange or not anymore... I though being a faithfull man was a virtue few women were granted... but all in all I believe that the faithfull one always gets robbed... when you give everything to your partner he/she takes it for granted and takes the high ground in the relationship, that is the moment where they can cross the limit, lucky for me I reacted swiftly and changed many things... too bad I didn't react BEFORE, but better late than never..


No you aren't strange. I think women underestimate what commitment means to men. When we commit to a woman we really commit. For all the talk about how women are all about emotion (and they are) men are just as emotional but in a different way. Who are the romantic ones....men. Who are the ones that will leave friends and family behind....men. Who are the ones that will dive in front of a car or take a bullet....men. That is why infidelity is so hurtful to us. Because men are taught to suppress their emotions sometimes I think women don't think we have any. We do and when they come pouring out its like an avalanche.


----------



## Acabado

Eöl said:


> she says that she won't have an affair if I am not ready to do the same...


Better think hard on how different aproaches you guys have about relationships. Her notions won't dissapear out of respect. It's hard wired. Not even pregnancy stopped her.
Sooner of later she will cheat, just won't give you the heads up. She thought telling you (honesty) would preserve her integrity but very soon went underground.
She has very internalized the "need" for variety, she feels you are the neandertal which doesn't understand this need, you are not "evolved" enough. She will resent your alleged "insecurity" and "jelousy" issues. She will further lose respect you.
Give her mindset... how much she will tell herself "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" next time a convenient potential OM pops up?


----------



## Eöl

Acabado,

Tienes razon ! But she is the love of my life, and I won't give up without a fight ! I just won a battle, I know the game isn't over. Although I understood some things in the process. I started to know how she works. I know what triggers her emotions. And I have leverage to do so. If I strike where it hurts, I can take the upper hand in the relationship and be the one the drivers seat. I really hate the idea of a relationship that isn't free of leadership and power struggles, but I now accept the way things are. A relationship is about power. You have it or she has it. If she has it, it's over for you. As horrible as it may seem, she needs to be subdued. And boy I am the alpha male in our household and no other wolf will be able to supplant me, I will give what it takes to outwit anyone who tries, I will be ever watchfull. I won't give up that easily and I believe there is a way I can prevail. :lol:


----------



## Rags

Eöl, I admire your determination - you've chosen a tough war to win.

good luck.


----------



## spudster

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? 

Really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JCD

Great. It's her nature to constantly test your boundaries.

It's NOT your nature to hold up boundaries strongly.

I wonder who will win...


----------



## bfree

JCD said:


> Great. It's her nature to constantly test your boundaries.
> 
> It's NOT your nature to hold up boundaries strongly.
> 
> I wonder who will win...


The only 1 I know who's been able to consistently have a strong hand in a marriage like this is theguy. His wife had multiple affairs and he really had to step up and dominate their relationship. It's worked out for him but I don't know anyone else it's worked for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Do the only reason she isn't going to have sex with another guy is because you aren't ready to cheat on her too?

If that's her only reason for not cheating you have major problems ahead.

Your morals are not compatible.

Would you hang with a murder if the only reason the didn't attack you was that they would get blood on them?

She's not saying she's going to stay faithful because she only wants you, and is only going to put passion and emotion into you. She isn't staying faithful because she sees that betraying you is an emotional attack upon you. She isn't faithful because she sees it would destroy your trust or love for her.

She's faithful for now because you have joined in yet.

So if she can find a gf for you, then she's git the green light!

Do if she suspects you are cheating behind her back, she's git the green light?

And then there is the problem that she doesn't see emotional cheating and flirting as cheating.

You better have a serious plan in place to monitor her forever.


----------



## Toffer

Eöl said:


> Nothing really new for the moment.. we are working things out, she didn't have any contacts with the OM for over a week now. *WOW! Isn't that big of her! *She doesn't seem to be to annoyed by it anymore, that's quite positive for me. Although I am paranoid, jealous and don't trust her for a second. That's really the hard part : to feel you can't trust your soulmate... she says that she won't have an affair if I am not ready to do the same... the thing is, I love my girl and have absolutely no desire to have an affair ! Am I a strange man ? is it odd to not want to conquer every appealing women one encounters ? I don't know what is strange or not anymore... I though being a faithfull man was a virtue few women were granted... but all in all I believe that the faithfull one always gets robbed... when you give everything to your partner he/she takes it for granted and takes the high ground in the relationship, that is the moment where they can cross the limit, lucky for me I reacted swiftly and changed many things... too bad I didn't react BEFORE, but better late than never..


*E, 
There is nothing wrong with you. Your wife is broken and I think Acabado hit it right on the head with his last response.

While I understand your desire to fight for your marriage, I can't help but have this impending feeling of doom for you. It's like watching General George Custer leaving the fort on the way to Little Big Horn when you already know what the result will be

Good luck. While the path you've choosen is a noble one, it is one I fear will end in certain heartbreak*


----------



## Eöl

Shaggy said:


> Do the only reason she isn't going to have sex with another guy is because you aren't ready to cheat on her too?
> 
> If that's her only reason for not cheating you have major problems ahead.
> 
> Your morals are not compatible.
> 
> Would you hang with a murder if the only reason the didn't attack you was that they would get blood on them?
> 
> She's not saying she's going to stay faithful because she only wants you, and is only going to put passion and emotion into you. She isn't staying faithful because she sees that betraying you is an emotional attack upon you. She isn't faithful because she sees it would destroy your trust or love for her.
> 
> She's faithful for now because you have joined in yet.
> 
> So if she can find a gf for you, then she's git the green light!
> 
> Do if she suspects you are cheating behind her back, she's git the green light?
> 
> And then there is the problem that she doesn't see emotional cheating and flirting as cheating.
> 
> You better have a serious plan in place to monitor her forever.


Shaggy and all of you guys are 100% right. Things will not be easy. She dropped the idea of having an affair because I rejected the idea, that is right. We don't have the same views on the subject, that too is correct. But we both love eachother. I can't just drop it. It's a war I have to wage, I don't have the choice ! You know when I look at our story, I was the wicked one in the first place, and made her suffer a big deal in the beginning, she stayed for me. Any sane woman would have fled my ass, LOL. That too is why I owe her a chance. Today the roles have switched, but what about tomorrow? Who knows, maybe she will drop the idea about having an affair. We will have a kid in two months,the kid's well being will surely be our main interest soon. Things will change, the concentrated chemical flux going through her body will soon cease. It may greatly influence her desires and choices in the "good way". No one knows what the outcome will be, but I sure will try my best to make it work.


----------



## Jasel

Eöl said:


> I don't have the choice !


I wish people would stop saying that. You always have a choice. Whatever you decide good luck.


----------



## MattMatt

I hope you win this battle and the war for you, your wife and the baby. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

Eöl said:


> Shaggy and all of you guys are 100% right. Things will not be easy. She dropped the idea of having an affair because I rejected the idea, that is right. We don't have the same views on the subject, that too is correct. But we both love eachother. I can't just drop it. It's a war I have to wage, I don't have the choice ! You know when I look at our story, I was the wicked one in the first place, and made her suffer a big deal in the beginning, she stayed for me. Any sane woman would have fled my ass, LOL. That too is why I owe her a chance. Today the roles have switched, but what about tomorrow? Who knows, maybe she will drop the idea about having an affair. We will have a kid in two months,the kid's well being will surely be our main interest soon. Things will change, the concentrated chemical flux going through her body will soon cease. It may greatly influence her desires and choices in the "good way". No one knows what the outcome will be, but I sure will try my best to make it work.


In denial. 

You think having a child is going to change her views? That she ONLY thinks this way because of her pregnant state? Then I have some land in Florida I'd like to sell you.

You know how many WWs cheat while they're pregnant and/or right after birth? It doesn't matter how many kids you have, or how young they are, having kids has *NEVER* stopped a WW from cheating, *EVER*.

See you when you come back.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Eöl said:


> Acabado,
> 
> Tienes razon ! But she is the love of my life, and I won't give up without a fight ! I just won a battle, I know the game isn't over. Although I understood some things in the process. I started to know how she works. I know what triggers her emotions. And I have leverage to do so. If I strike where it hurts, I can take the upper hand in the relationship and be the one the drivers seat. I really hate the idea of a relationship that isn't free of leadership and power struggles, but I now accept the way things are. A relationship is about power. You have it or she has it If she has it, it's over for you. As horrible as it may seem, she needs to be subdued. And boy I am the alpha male in our household and no other wolf will be able to supplant me, I will give what it takes to outwit anyone who tries, I will be ever watchfull. I won't give up that easily and I believe there is a way I can prevail. :lol:


Being PREPARED is the proper way to fight. No one has told you to give up, they are telling to to PREPARE for the unknowns. You can't fight what is unseen, nor can you fight what you do not know. 


Oh and she already outwitted you once, do not BELIEVE you have any true power until YOU change yourself.


Eöl said:


> And 2 months ago, she told me she was speaking with her ex (the dude she dumped for me) and really wanted to see him etc...
> *I was unhappy of course, but eventually accepted. *
> 
> [snip]
> 
> Now she is *telling me that she would like to have an affair with him, that it is only sexual and that she loves me more than anything.*.. she actually told me that I too should have an affair... and even tries to find me potential women...
> [snip]
> She has always been a very honest person and told me everything. *Although lately she has been hiding stuff.* I checked on her emails and *found out they kissed... and that she is planning to go to his house..*. It really killed me, she is 6 months pregnant for christ's f**kin sake. She would cheat on me with my child in her womb.


----------



## Eöl

OK well I do have a choice, but both choices are painful as hell, might as well try to keep things up than to destroy the whole thing, at least for the moment. 

I know her "dark desires" will not disappear with the baby and all. I do believe that she will be a little more balanced though (in general I mean). But I believe my approaching her in a different way may help. I believe that striking her where it "hurts" may help too. I didn't say I would win, but at least I feel much better off than before, and I know she deeply loves me despite of the whole crap. I saw her face when I threatened leaving her, I guess it's the first time she REALLY heard what I was saying, and it affected her deeply. She even told me afterwards that it changed things in her (maybe temporarily but, it is still a start) I am sure that seeing me as warrior that would supplant any opponents put some of her **** back together. 
All in all, if I lose the game, well at least I did my best and wouldn't live with regrets.


----------



## bfree

Eöl said:


> OK well I do have a choice, but both choices are painful as hell, might as well try to keep things up than to destroy the whole thing, at least for the moment.
> 
> I know her "dark desires" will not disappear with the baby and all. I do believe that she will be a little more balanced though (in general I mean). But I believe my approaching her in a different way may help. I believe that striking her where it "hurts" may help too. I didn't say I would win, but at least I feel much better off than before, and I know she deeply loves me despite of the whole crap. I saw her face when I threatened leaving her, I guess it's the first time she REALLY heard what I was saying, and it affected her deeply. She even told me afterwards that it changed things in her (maybe temporarily but, it is still a start) I am sure that seeing me as warrior that would supplant any opponents put some of her **** back together.
> All in all, if I lose the game, well at least I did my best and wouldn't live with regrets.


Without trying to insult you or upset you can I please make the following suggestion.

Have a dna test done on the baby.

This for two reasons. Obviously she has already suggested she wanted to have an affair. Many times when a person makes this suggestion they have already stepped outside the marriage. I'm not saying this has happened but if she has and the child isn't yours you definitely want to know that before you commit the rest of your life to her. But another reason and probably one that is even more important to you. Insisting on a dna test will crystallize in her mind the gravity of her affair suggestion and demonstrate that you aren't playing any games here. It will really elevate you in her eyes even if she seems very upset and insulted at the suggestion. It will prove to her that you do not consider her to be irreplaceable and if she wants to keep you she needs to step up and work at it.


----------



## tom67

bfree said:


> Without trying to insult you or upset you can I please make the following suggestion.
> 
> Have a dna test done on the baby.
> 
> This for two reasons. Obviously she has already suggested she wanted to have an affair. Many times when a person makes this suggestion they have already stepped outside the marriage. I'm not saying this has happened but if she has and the child isn't yours you definitely want to know that before you commit the rest of your life to her. But another reason and probably one that is even more important to you. Insisting on a dna test will crystallize in her mind the gravity of her affair suggestion and demonstrate that you aren't playing any games here. It will really elevate you in her eyes even if she seems very upset and insulted at the suggestion. It will prove to her that you do not consider her to be irreplaceable and if she wants to keep you she needs to step up and work at it.


bree is right cover all the bases and make sure you are not raising someone else baby you will regret it if you don't.


----------



## Eöl

Bfree, Tom, 

Thanks for your suggestions. I might ask for a test. Although, the baby was conceived around 18/20th august 2012. We were on holidays for a three week period at that time. We didn't leave eachother for 1 minute... the chances the baby isn't mine are utterly small.. I really don't see how that could have happened 

Anyway I will consider it 

Thanks

Regards


----------



## JCD

Eöl said:


> Bfree, Tom,
> 
> Thanks for your suggestions. I might ask for a test. Although, the baby was conceived around 18/20th august 2012. We were on holidays for a three week period at that time. We didn't leave eachother for 1 minute... the chances the baby isn't mine are utterly small.. I really don't see how that could have happened
> 
> Anyway I will consider it
> 
> Thanks
> 
> Regards


Excuse me, but if you dont DEMAND to do this, you are an idiot and you will fail.

By already backing down once from the "I'll leave you speech" you have diminished your status, not increased it. That you are still talking about it to her diminishes your status.

That you got her to delete all that stuff is a win, but right now, she's destroyed the trust with you and already shown you exactly how much prestige and respect she has for you (little. Maybe more than she showed prior guys she cheated on, but while 1 IS higher than 0, it isn't that big a step)

I related to staying for the kid. I think you should outline that to her too. "If you weren't pregnant with what might be my kid, I would leave you over this."

But you need to follow up with some more word.

"I appreciate your honesty. Don't take the wrong lesson from this. Now you think you can't tell me about these things. That is the wrong thing to do. If you sneak around behind my back, we're done. Kid, no kid, period. But if you come to me when you are weak, I can help you be stronger and think of the things you are chancing to throw away. I don't expect these desires to just vanish. I'm tempted occasionally by other women too...but I WILL NOT cheat! I don't care if I have permission. (keep that door shut) I want you to feel you can share these things so we can work them out together."

"But you spread for anyone else, you'll be a single mom. Single moms work HARD..."

Why the HELL did you get with this woman in the first place?


----------



## Eöl

JCD said:


> Why the HELL did you get with this woman in the first place?


Don't excuse yourself friend, I welcome everyone's views.
I may be an idiot, why shouldn't I be ?

Why did I get with this woman in the first place ? She is an extraordinary girl, bright, smart, BEAUTIFUL, loving, caring, balanced, calm. Really man, any guy here meets a girl like her, he would fall in love at the drop of a dime. Although, Her dark side is what it is. She likes seducing men as all women do. But the boundaries she set in her mind are different I guess. Most people keep those dark thoughts as fantasies, and don't want to realize them, as I do. She is different and would like to realize some I guess, I try to make her understand that the fantasies should remain fantasies. If not, they are no longer fantasies... She told me about her thoughts, I totally disapproved, and well she fights her darkness for the love we have. That's how I see the situation. I may be a fool but I will try to do things for the best.


----------



## BlackjackBob

She wants to have an affair and suggests you should too? That right there says just how little she respects you and the relationship. Walk away and don't look back. It's not worth it, she is not worth it.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Be strong, keep your head up. Better days are ahead for you.


----------



## JCD

Eöl said:


> bright, smart, BEAUTIFUL, loving, caring, balanced, calm. Really man, any guy here meets a girl like her, he would fall in love at the drop of a dime.


1)Balanced

2)Smart

3)Caring

4)Likes to seduce men and abandon her husband while pregnant.


Here is a song for you.

The word you are looking for.


----------



## MattMatt

Eöl said:


> Bfree, Tom,
> 
> Thanks for your suggestions. I might ask for a test. Although, the baby was conceived around 18/20th august 2012. We were on holidays for a three week period at that time. We didn't leave eachother for 1 minute... the chances the baby isn't mine are utterly small.. I really don't see how that could have happened
> 
> Anyway I will consider it
> 
> Thanks
> 
> Regards


The reason for the DNA test is not to prove paternity. Not really. In your case the DNA test is to give your wife a message "Wife, do you see what you did? Our pregnancy should be the happiest day of our life together, but your desire to cheat on me has ruined that for me. I can't trust you and I cant trust that my baby is my baby".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree

MattMatt said:


> The reason for the DNA test is not to prove paternity. Nor really. In your case the DNA test is to give your wife a message "Wife, do you see what you did? Our pregnancy should be the happiest day of our life together, but your desire to cheat on me has ruined that for me. I can't trust you and I cant trust that my baby is my baby".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. You said you want to stay with her and make it work. Shouldn't you set the foundation now so there is less chance in the future of another problem? Isn't now a good time to enforce these boundaries for the future?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

spudster said:


> Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
> 
> Really?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its what life is about for a male. Grand ain't it. The weak can take stage left.


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## Chaparral

Eöl said:


> Shaggy and all of you guys are 100% right. Things will not be easy. She dropped the idea of having an affair because I rejected the idea, that is right. We don't have the same views on the subject, that too is correct. But we both love eachother. I can't just drop it. It's a war I have to wage, I don't have the choice ! You know when I look at our story, I was the wicked one in the first place, and made her suffer a big deal in the beginning, she stayed for me. Any sane woman would have fled my ass, LOL. That too is why I owe her a chance. Today the roles have switched, but what about tomorrow? Who knows, maybe she will drop the idea about having an affair. We will have a kid in two months,the kid's well being will surely be our main interest soon. Things will change, the concentrated chemical flux going through her body will soon cease. It may greatly influence her desires and choices in the "good way". No one knows what the outcome will be, but I sure will try my best to make it work.


Good time for a post nup. Especially concentrating on the infidelity section for either partner.

She needs to know exactly what is going to happen if she decides to start screwing other men. Put in a little about custody too. That part probably won't holup in court though.


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## Chaparral

Eöl said:


> Bfree, Tom,
> 
> Thanks for your suggestions. I might ask for a test. Although, the baby was conceived around 18/20th august 2012. We were on holidays for a three week period at that time. We didn't leave eachother for 1 minute... the chances the baby isn't mine are utterly small.. I really don't see how that could have happened
> 
> Anyway I will consider it
> 
> Thanks
> 
> Regards


The point isn't whose baby it is, we are assuming that t is yours. The point is t drive home how now that she wants to secrew other men, you can no longer trust her whne she is out of your sight. The point is, she has to be able to regain yuour trust. This isn't really that much different than her actually screwing him, assuming she didn't when they met up.


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## JCD

chapparal said:


> Good time for a post nup. Especially concentrating on the infidelity section for either partner.
> 
> She needs to know exactly what is going to happen if she decides to start screwing other men. Put in a little about custody too. That part probably won't holup in court though.


IIRC, they aren't married...and if he has a shred of sense in his body (check!) he won't any time soon.

And she only has herself to blame.


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## lordmayhem

Eöl said:


> Don't excuse yourself friend, I welcome everyone's views.
> I may be an idiot, why shouldn't I be ?
> 
> Why did I get with this woman in the first place ? She is an extraordinary girl, bright, smart, BEAUTIFUL, loving, caring, balanced, calm. Really man, any guy here meets a girl like her, he would fall in love at the drop of a dime. Although, Her dark side is what it is. She likes seducing men as all women do. But the boundaries she set in her mind are different I guess. Most people keep those dark thoughts as fantasies, and don't want to realize them, as I do. She is different and would like to realize some I guess, I try to make her understand that the fantasies should remain fantasies. If not, they are no longer fantasies... She told me about her thoughts, I totally disapproved, and well she fights her darkness for the love we have. That's how I see the situation. I may be a fool but I will try to do things for the best.


*Yet another hot wife that has thoughts of stepping out of the marriage.* You're rationalizing away her thoughts of straying, as if its normal. That she's fighting "her darkness".

Well, if she's struggling now, then she will eventually fall to the dark side because it's the easier, more seductive path. Wait until you have the added stress of raising children, mortgages, bills to pay. 

She made vows to you, to want only you, to forsake all others. A lifetime commitment. I don't think she's capable of being monogamous.


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## MattMatt

At least she approached you and didn't just do it and tell you afterwards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

MattMatt said:


> At least she approached you and didn't just do it and tell you afterwards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That he knows of.


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## Shaggy

Going forward you need to do a couple of things,

1. Full transparency, you both must be 100% honest about where you are , who your with, what's going on. Cell phones and passwords always open and shared.
2. No dates or meetuos out with members of the opposite
3. No clubbing or bars except toghether
4. Flirting , sexting, deduction is only between the two of you. You've made a commitment to each other live up to it.

And you have to let her know, and mean it. Any cheating will mean the end of the relationship, no gray areas or do overs. Cheating will be a choice to end permanently the relationship. Let her know this in clear speech, This isn't a threat, it's you telling her that this is the hard and fast boundary ahead of time. Zero tolerance. No kidding, sexting, or worse.

Be wary of her wanting some "me" time where she goes to bars or out with male friends after the birth. Either you both go and have a sitter,or you both go and take the kid. But solo social evenings are out.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Eöl said:


> Bfree, Tom,
> 
> Thanks for your suggestions. I might ask for a test. Although, the baby was conceived around 18/20th august 2012. We were on holidays for a three week period at that time. We didn't leave eachother for 1 minute... the chances the baby isn't mine are utterly small.. I really don't see how that could have happened
> 
> Anyway I will consider it
> 
> Thanks
> 
> Regards


Don't you dare ask, you TELL better yet you ORDER her to submit your child for a DNA test. Any respectable person will understand that their words and actions color your perceptions. My wife had an EA, she knows that I now question her about new guys in her life. She broke the trust and now my perception is different.

It took a little gnashing of teeth and Shirley Glass, but she COMPLETELY understands that she was wrong, regardless of them being "just friends." I put my foot down and said I will not controll you, but I am going to CONTROL this relationship until things are fixed or we part ways.

You do not HEDGE if you are trying to R and save your marriage, even IF you are unsure what you want to do.


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## MattMatt

lordmayhem said:


> That he knows of.


Well, yes...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

Shaggy said:


> Going forward you need to do a couple of things,
> 
> 1. Full transparency, you both must be 100% honest about where you are , who your with, what's going on. Cell phones and passwords always open and shared.
> 2. No dates or meetuos out with members of the opposite
> 3. No clubbing or bars except toghether
> 4. Flirting , sexting, deduction is only between the two of you. You've made a commitment to each other live up to it.
> 
> And you have to let her know, and mean it. Any cheating will mean the end of the relationship, no gray areas or do overs. Cheating will be a choice to end permanently the relationship. Let her know this in clear speech, This isn't a threat, it's you telling her that this is the hard and fast boundary ahead of time. Zero tolerance. No kidding, sexting, or worse.
> 
> Be wary of her wanting some "me" time where she goes to bars or out with male friends after the birth. Either you both go and have a sitter,or you both go and take the kid. But solo social evenings are out.


:iagree:

You draw the line here and now or you *WILL* regret it later.


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## JCD

lordmayhem said:


> *She made vows to you, to want only you, to forsake all others. A lifetime commitment. I don't think she's capable of being monogamous.*


*

One: they are not married so there were no vows.

Two: and more importantly SHE does not think she can be monogamous.

Eol, make sure it's a female doctor in the birthing chamber. You never know...*


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## Eöl

JCD said:


> 1)Balanced
> 
> 2)Smart
> 
> 3)Caring
> 
> 4)Likes to seduce men and abandon her husband while pregnant.
> 
> 
> Here is a song for you.
> 
> The word you are looking for.


LOL JCD, you are a funny guy ;D. 
I know what I say can sound crazy. Although she did not abandon me, she is just messed up somewhere, we need to work things out. But she is a good person inside. A good person with a darkness. It needs to be lifted, taimed or whatever


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## bfree

Eöl said:


> LOL JCD, you are a funny guy ;D.
> I know what I say can sound crazy. Although she did not abandon me, she is just messed up somewhere, we need to work things out. But she is a good person inside. A good person with a darkness. It needs to be lifted, taimed or whatever


Ok, so you are going to tame this darkness. Then you need to be strong and have a firm hand right. Implement the suggestions you have been given so you won't end up like this guy.

Lion tamer gets what he deserves, way to go lion LOL - YouTube


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## Acabado

Just an idea I'm throwing out there.
The very moment she got pregnant you was put in the "husband" role, wich in her messed up mind means "no lover" role. You are now a father, not a "man". Reverse madonna wh0re complex to the limit.
You are old news.
For her love means the trill of the newness.

I can't imagine an scenario in wich she can remain faithful unless you embrace some form of "master" mindset and she find appealing the "submissive role" to sustain a trilling dinamic whitin the marriage.
Also playing her issues with abandonement (I asume that's the "right bottoms" you talked about earlier).


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## lordmayhem

Eöl said:


> LOL JCD, you are a funny guy ;D.
> I know what I say can sound crazy. Although she did not abandon me, she is just messed up somewhere, we need to work things out. But she is a good person inside. A good person with a darkness. It needs to be lifted, taimed or whatever


Classic case of Knight In Shining Armour (KISA) Syndrome. Even a trained counselor can't fix his wife, do you think you can? Look at his thread.


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## JCD

Eöl said:


> LOL JCD, you are a funny guy ;D.
> I know what I say can sound crazy. Although she did not abandon me, she is just messed up somewhere, we need to work things out. But she is a good person inside. A good person with a darkness. It needs to be lifted, taimed or whatever


She is not Dexter Morgan. Her actions are the sum of ALL of her.

What you would like to do is pretend that part doesn't exist, or can be spiritually exorcised from her soul. This is probably not the case.

She said she probably couldn't be monogamous which means 

a) she knows herself and she really can't

or 

b) she isn't interested in trying.

For whatever reason, you think YOU are the person who is wonderful enough to make her want to try.

But bear this in mind: HER BABY in her belly right now, someone she will probably love a lot more than you ever, isn't keeping her away from bars looking for another man.

If she is as smart as you say she is (she isn't), she knows what risks her kid runs with only a single parent.

Maybe she is being coolly calculating. She knows Mr. Fixit (that's you) isn't going anywhere so she doesn't need to try to moderate her behavior.

What does that say about her?

Well...maybe the dynamics in the relationship have changed.

Good luck but the odds are not looking good.


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## MattMatt

After the pregnancy could she re-set to the normal, non-affair wanting her?


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## bfree

MattMatt said:


> After the pregnancy could she re-set to the normal, non-affair wanting her?


I believe the OP stated she has cheated on all her previous men and has told him flat out that she didn't think she could remain faithful.


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