# She says she's "done"



## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

I am new here and looking for advice. This might take a bit to explain, so here I go. I have been with my wife for 12 years, married for 6 of them. She was married before, and has 2 kids from this relationship. We moved 5 years ago from NY to Atlanta to give our family something we couldn't afford up north, a home. Things have been good, although I see that we had an emotional disconnection, and have trouble communicating sometimes. My issues started back at the end of July. She told me that she was unhappy, and not sure if we should be together. Alot of our disagreements stemmed from my 2 step-children. She lets them do what ever they want, and at ages 15 & 18, I expected a bit more out of them. We were working on our issues, and I was making good progress, by spending more time with the kids, and showiing and letting her know what she meant to me. Then the bombshell!
I accidentally find 2 texts that come in on her phone from her 1st love from 23 years ago, that she recently had found on facebook. He lives 18 hours from us. He was basically telling her he had deep feelings for her. I was shocked. I calmly informed her of them, and asked her to please call the guy and let him know the texts were inappropriate. She then tells me she has feelings for him, is connected to him, part of her still loves him, and she dreams of him. I am floored to say the least. She asks me to give her time to deal with it, and says she loves me and nothing will happen between them. I let it go for 5 days, and finally checked my cell phone records on the 5th day. She had been telling me all week that she hardly talked to him, and hadn't had a chance to tell him to back off. The cell phone records told otherwise. Everyday on her lunch break she would speak to him for 20-40 minutes, everyday she would speak to him for 30-45 minutes on her way home in traffic. The texting was out of control also. 
I felt betrayed and lied to by the one woman I have ever known who was loving, caring and honest in my life. I confronted her with the info I had, and threw out an ultimatum. She calls him now and tells him they are just friends, or I leave. She chose to not call him. I left for a week, and was a complete mess. In that time we spoke and argued. She was telling her friends that she was "done" with us. I convinced her to go to marriage counseling. They quickly seperated us due to her not knowing if she wanted to be married anymore. I know now that we had an emotional disconnection & void that this guy just happened to fill at the right time. Since this has went down, all our friends know and are there for us. Alot of gossip floats back and forth making it worse. She has slept on the couch for the past month, and has recently told me that she loves him, is in love with him, and has told him she loves him. I am crushed. She claims she will not move to him, and he will not move to her. She wants to go visit him sometime. She says she is done, looking forward to being on her own with the kids, and that she only gets to live once. We can't affourd our house without both our incomes, and until it sells, we will be in the under the same roof. She admits she is going through a mid life crisis, and wants more out of life, and has goals and dreams. She has since stopped going to counseling after only 5 sessions, saying the counselor told her she is handling things good. I heard that she is not opening up and talking about all her issues, so there is no need for to see someone she is not willing to be honest with. She is ready to move on, and throw our home, life, and marriage away like it is garbage. I am so confused on what to think, feel, and do now. I want to salvage my life and marriage, but the choice is not up to me anymore. Help.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

All you can do is look within yourself and change anything you do not like about your relationship skills for your future. What that future will be, who knows. It is difficult to go through. But you have found a place to vent and seek advice.

That shows you are willing. But as you said, she must be willing too. It took 2 people to get to this point and it takes 2 to get out of it. You can't force her, you know. Bringing it up again and again with her right now will only back fire and make her move further away. 

In short these situations suck. I am you as well. Hope my words help some. You are on a 20 ticket rollercoaster ride now and I feel for you.


----------



## Beltway bandit (Oct 5, 2009)

Sounds like a difficult situation. I too woud be heartbroken if this happened to me. My wife has freinded many an old boyfreind on facebook, I trust her, but I dont trust them.

If it were me, I would find out who this other person is, (simple google search will net you some results sometimes) I would give him a call. I would let him know your side of the story and that he is tearing apart a family. I would not immediatley share this with your wife, but make sure that she knows that she and your kids are the only ones in your world that mean anything.

take care,

L


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think contacting the guy would only make your wife angry and not change your situation for the better.

The problem right now is that she has this fantasy going with him and has herself believing there is more out there for her, either with him or someone else.

When there is conflict in raising the children, I believe it is amplified in blended families. When I re-married I was ready to be a wife, but did not take into account that I may also need to make some changes as a parent. It is more difficult because you are not creating a family together from the start, but it's important to take into account the feelings of everyone in the new blended family.

At this point, if she is unwilling to try there is not much you can do. You may want to talk to her in more detail about what her dreams are, what she feels she is missing in your life together.


----------



## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I plan on trying to communicate better with her. That was the problem from the beginning. She seems to find things to do on the weekends so she is not around me. She hangs with 2 of my friends wives, and now they are on the verge of divorce also. It seems like poison. It is just so hard to be around her because she treats me like we are roommates, and up till July we were partners in life. She seems to have just flipped a switch on her feelings for the past 12 years, and now they are gone. I am so confused.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Confusion is part of the rollercoaster. She didn't flip a switch, she is just confused herself. Treat her like a room-mate back. But find some books to help you through this or find a counselor to talk through your issues.

Try to stay as positive around her as possible. I know it is hard, but you must put on a strong face in front of her. Sorry you are in pain. If it is any consolation, just know that you aren't the only one in the world feeling the same. Try to think about the positives in your life -- your health, etc.


----------



## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I am going to stay posative. I am currently staying with a friend for 1-2 weeks to give myself time to get my head straight. It was to hard to be around her. Plus we never had the space thing right after the big blowout over the other guy. Maybe she will see that she does miss having me around. Or maybe not, with her new love to talk on the phone with whenever she is lonely. It makes me feel like half a man or less, knowing that my wife loves a man she hasn't seen in 23 years.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is MUCH MUCH easier to love a 23 year old memory then to stay in love with the real thing. Is this guy the father of her 2children?





Roundtable said:


> Thanks for the advice. I am going to stay posative. I am currently staying with a friend for 1-2 weeks to give myself time to get my head straight. It was to hard to be around her. Plus we never had the space thing right after the big blowout over the other guy. Maybe she will see that she does miss having me around. Or maybe not, with her new love to talk on the phone with whenever she is lonely. It makes me feel like half a man or less, knowing that my wife loves a man she hasn't seen in 23 years.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I suggest staying with your friend longer. Make her realize what is at stake. I know it is hard with Kids, I have one. But for there sake in the long term, some short term change will be beneficial.


----------



## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

The guy is not the father of her 2 kids. He is a highschool sweetheart from when she was 16. I plan on sticking around. I will go home on Friday with a posative attitude and try to find things to keep me busy. It is so hard being around your 12 year partner wanting to be close to her, and she wants none of it. I hope she realizes what she is doing before it's to late. She has mentioned putting the house on the market, and we will loose are butts with the current market. If the house goes and we loose our home because of her foolish actions, I am not sure if that is forgivable.


----------



## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

Update - I went home last night. Haven't seen or spoken to her in 9 days. Things were ok at first, but then she brought up getting the house up for sale. She stil doesn't want me around. I had the contract, and she signed it. Faxed it in today, and house will be on market next week. I don't want to loose our home, and she is ready to just walk away from it. I hope she can realize what she is doing before it's to late. She seems so screwed up right now.


----------

