# things said in anger



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

I want opinions on things said in anger. True not true or so.e version of truth or just pushing buttons. Tesentments or what.
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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

sorry meant resentments
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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Are talking about stuff like this:

"And another thing -- you suck in bed!"

Well, I would say there is problem some truth to that even though it came out in anger and the person might apologize later. They have been wanting to tell you but didn't want to hurt your feelings. The argument gave them the opportunity.

But on the other hand things like this:

"I hate you and I don't want to see your face ever again." Probably an exgeration the hate you at the moment but they'll get over it as soon as they calm down.

But yes, both type statements both cause resentment and show that there is resentment there with the person who said it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It depends on so many things. 

Although wifey and I do NOT engage in such remarks, when we do hurt another's feelings we have an agreement that if she tells me I did so I will apologize and visa versa. 

In any relationship things are said in anger that hurt. But good communication after cooling down makes all the difference.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I used to have an anger problem. I said plenty of things I didn't mean. I wish now I could take it all back.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

There is a measure of truth in all communication between spouses except when it comes to infidelity


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

My opinion... if said in anger, there is some truth in it. 
But anger is an emotion, so what is said is based on emotion.

I try (now) to appreciate that people have a right to their emotions. Not really right or wrong, just their view.

But I will ask later when things are calmer. Do you STILL feel that way?


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

during affair.."no one would ever sleep w your nasty ass ****. No one like you. 
After dday he said sex w her nice different. 
Three weeks ago in anger said he used me while dating wish he never married me wished he was at his home state. Hated me. Said look at him to know he means it. 12 hours later apologizrd said he mad and pushing my buttons. .
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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> during affair.."no one would ever sleep w your nasty ass ****. No one like you.
> After dday he said sex w her nice different.
> Three weeks ago in anger said he used me while dating wish he never married me wished he was at his home state. Hated me. Said look at him to know he means it. 12 hours later apologizrd said he mad and pushing my buttons. .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who is having the affair? If it is him, AND he is saying this stuff, he is just trying to hurt you and why? He is the one wronging you and want to hurt you with his words on top of it? So wrong.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> during affair.."no one would ever sleep w your nasty ass ****. No one like you.
> After dday he said sex w her nice different.
> Three weeks ago in anger said he used me while dating wish he never married me wished he was at his home state. Hated me. Said look at him to know he means it. 12 hours later apologizrd said he mad and pushing my buttons. .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well we are all different but I have noticed that DW when on the rareish occasions she gets angry can say things I know are untrue (i.e. factually incorrect).

I would not assume anything said in anger is true unless the person saying it makes the same statement when in a calm state of mind.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I used to have an anger problem. I said plenty of things I didn't mean. I wish now I could take it all back.


same here Thankfully I haven't done it with SO.

sometimes things said in anger contain shades of the truth but mostly for me at least it was just being hurtful bc I was hurting.


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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

Alcoholic hubby said in a rage whilst sober that he didn't care about the youngest daughter to her face. Couldn't give a s..t about her studies or her.
That hurts when you are a child trying to get your father to stop his drinking. Nothing can erase that pain, even if he didn't mean it. Worse part is he had been sober for a couple of days so can't even blame the drink.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I am careful by what I say because I plan to stand by it. and also because there will some people who will ensure that you do.

I do not like these parting shots like "Don't ever speak to me again." I got one of those back in 2008 from a female friend. Long story as to we got there. So I followed her request.

4 years later I saw that she contacted me though Facebook (we were not FB friends ever) asking me to contact her around the time of my father's death.

Oh dear, I had enough to worry about than to wonder what kind of reception I would get from her if I called her.

Same with my mother who has said some hurtful things to me. "Oh I didn't mean it" well, what kind of mother is that.

I've mentioned on this board before a guy I was dating who said that he do the things that I want him to (ie go down on me) if I got an HIV test. Until then, no sex...... hookay, well, after a months he retracted that ultimatum.

I really look down on people who make ultimatums and then don't stick with them.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Hurt people hurt people.

It's not always about truth.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I have said things in anger that I wish I could take back. When are they going invent a time machine already!


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

My husband has a propensity for being spiteful and calling me names when he's angry. I believe he means the things he says at the time he is saying them, and when he cools down he no longer means it. Anger is an emotion and what is expressed at the time is an expression of the emotion at that particular time. So what they say at that time may or may not be the truth when the anger has dissipated.


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

thanks for all the replies. For my situation my wh grew up on the opoosite side of country. He is in this state because of me. He resents living here. I did not want to move their. I find our that he resented me. But he hid it well until he couldnt hide it anymore and it came out in anger years ago. Now that he said he wishes he never met me so i wonder if its true when he said it during an anger bout.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> I want opinions on things said in anger. True not true or so.e version of truth or just pushing buttons. Tesentments or what.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Without reading other opinions first, I think that when people say hurtful things in anger, it isn't about truth. It's about getting their own way. There may be a lot, a little, or no truth at all about what they've said.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello "Not A Door Mat",



notadoormat said:


> during affair.."no one would ever sleep w your nasty ass ****. No one like you.
> After dday he said sex w her nice different.
> Three weeks ago in anger said he used me while dating wish he never married me wished he was at his home state. Hated me. Said look at him to know he means it. 12 hours later apologizrd said he mad and pushing my buttons. .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





notadoormat said:


> thanks for all the replies. For my situation my wh grew up on the opoosite side of country. He is in this state because of me. He resents living here. I did not want to move their. I find our that he resented me. But he hid it well until he couldnt hide it anymore and it came out in anger years ago. Now that he said he wishes he never met me so i wonder if its true when he said it during an anger bout.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you talking about your husband of almost 30 years, who's having an affair for the last 5 years? Is that who you’re talking about? Who's now belittling you at every opportunity he gets, is that who you're talking about? Who will blame you for his problems, is that who you're talking about?

Just remember you chose that username for a reason!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

My husband said mean things to me, like calling me names, when he wanted to express his anger. Fat b1tch comes to mind. It is true, I was fat back then. He hasn't seen me since I lost 65 pounds. What would he call me now? Skinny b1tch? Honestly, he doesn't have a harsh word toward me now. I don't think he ever thought I was a b1tch. I think he just wanted to make me feel bad in the moment, because he felt bad about himself. BTW, he is so big, he could be a model for a maternity catalogue. Interesting, huh?


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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

Half the time they say things in anger coz they are disgusted with themselves and instead of facing the truth they portrait it onto others.
I know my H is an alcoholic who is depressed and hates himself but that still doesn't justify him defiling everyone else. Low self esteem, no love for himself or anyone else. The world is to blame not him. I could go on forever.
The point is even if they say things in anger, it hurts ESP said to a child.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello Ladies,

I chose you three because your stories are so similar, but if there are others then this applies to you as well.  



toomuchtotell said:


> My husband has a propensity for being spiteful and calling me names when he's angry. I believe he means the things he says at the time he is saying them, and when he cools down he no longer means it. Anger is an emotion and what is expressed at the time is an expression of the emotion at that particular time. So what they say at that time may or may not be the truth when the anger has dissipated.





SaltInWound said:


> My husband said mean things to me, like calling me names, when he wanted to express his anger. Fat b1tch comes to mind. It is true, I was fat back then. He hasn't seen me since I lost 65 pounds. What would he call me now? Skinny b1tch? Honestly, he doesn't have a harsh word toward me now. I don't think he ever thought I was a b1tch. I think he just wanted to make me feel bad in the moment, because he felt bad about himself. BTW, he is so big, he could be a model for a maternity catalogue. Interesting, huh?





Mycah said:


> Half the time they say things in anger coz they are disgusted with themselves and instead of facing the truth they portrait it onto others.
> I know my H is an alcoholic who is depressed and hates himself but that still doesn't justify him defiling everyone else. Low self esteem, no love for himself or anyone else. The world is to blame not him. I could go on forever.
> The point is even if they say things in anger, it hurts ESP said to a child.


Agreed! But, mustn't he then acknowledge what he did was wrong to you? And then apologise for those insensitive words to YOU! Otherwise he’ll continue this cycle of verbal abuse when he feels like it, with no repercussions for his actions. He’ll think, it’s okay to treat you that way, and it’s NOT! IT NEVER IS! *Standing up to your husband(s) is your right and you should ALL use that right when you feel threatened.* 
_Was that too much….? _

My dad this morning asked mother a simple question, and before she could answer it, he answered it for her! He then proceeded to belittle her with his usual volcanic verbal abuse. He made one little mistake, he didn't realise, I had just walked into the kitchen. MY TURN! I let lose my words on him, and he got the message loud and clear! He still maintains he was right though, even though he knows 100% he was wrong! I stand up to this man, my father, because he needs putting in his place every now and then, I reminded him, he is no longer the alpha in this family, but I AM! He stormed off, trying to verbal abuse me, I stood there and smiled. If I sounded cold towards my own father, please understand, I’ve grown up his volcanic temper; his alcoholic physical and verbal abuse against my mother when we were just kids, so I know exactly how to handle a man like this using his own words against him.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Let's see, she said:

"I loved EVERYTHING about him."
"He had such deep, beautiful green eyes."
His c0ck was unique." (whateverthefvck that means)
And I'll never forget the "unforgettable ass" comment. 

There's a TON more, but those stand out in my mind right at the moment.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

FlyingThePhoenix said:


> My dad this morning asked mother a simple question, and before she could answer it, he answered it for her! He then proceeded to belittle her with his usual volcanic verbal abuse. He made one little mistake, he didn't realise, I had just walked into the kitchen. MY TURN! I let lose my words on him, and he got the message loud and clear! He still maintains he was right though, even though he knows 100% he was wrong! I stand up to this man, my father, because he needs putting in his place every now and then, I reminded him, he is no longer the alpha in this family, but I AM! He stormed off, trying to verbal abuse me, I stood there and smiled. If I sounded cold towards my own father, please understand, I’ve grown up his volcanic temper; his alcoholic physical and verbal abuse against my mother when we were just kids, so I know exactly how to handle a man like this using his own words against him.


I agree! Sounds like you are "too much" for your father FTP, which for your mother and the rest of the household is a good thing. Being alpha is about being strong for yourself and others, like you are doing :smthumbup: Abusing others is weakness!


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

As someone with really strong anger issues, I can go very long periods without expressing my anger aloud. It can be fuelled into work or projects. When it comes it is as an express train. I might apologize if I hurt my W with my words but not for what I say.
Politics and injustice are what rise my ire most but even by doing this it scares my W. I won't apologize for that - its who I am.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Always easy to get caught up in anger. Its so poisonous. I have said things to be hateful enough for everyone as im sure it has fit most people to do so. I would say there are things i do mean and dont. Things you dont ever want to say or avoid usually pop out. And boom! A new world war just started. Be slow to anger. Its easier said than done. Ill be the first to raise my hand on this one.
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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hey bk how ya doin
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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

Problem with apologising after the words flew out of their mouths that's its too late. The damage has been done esp when directed at kids. No end of "sorrys" will ease the pain.
I personally am sick and tired of excuses for the drunks and loud mouths out there


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

lonesomegra said:


> As someone with really strong anger issues, I can go very long periods without expressing my anger aloud. It can be fuelled into work or projects.


You've found your inner switch to your anger, most never do, and you've learnt over time to channel this anger into something else, again, most never do. 



lonesomegra said:


> When it comes it is as an express train. I might apologize if I hurt my W with my words but not for what I say.


Again "I might apologise", most be people with anger issues would never admit to this. 



lonesomegra said:


> Politics and injustice are what rise my ire most but even by doing this it scares my W. I won't apologize for that - its who I am.


No need to, I sometimes feel this way as well.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

bkaydezz said:


> Always easy to get caught up in anger. Its so poisonous. I have said things to be hateful enough for everyone as im sure it has fit most people to do so. *I would say there are things i do mean and dont.* Things you dont ever want to say or avoid usually pop out. And boom! A new world war just started. Be slow to anger. Its easier said than done. *Ill be the first to raise my hand on this one. :smthumbup:*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The FACT you admit to this, shows you acknowledge your own anger and are capable of remorse; in the example of my father, he'll never admit to this.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Mycah said:


> Problem with apologising after the words flew out of their mouths that's its too late. The damage has been done esp when directed at kids. No end of "sorrys" will ease the pain.
> *(1) *I personally am sick and tired of excuses for the drunks and loud mouths out there


Agreed! I meant adult to adult. But if he is verbal abusing the kids, that's a whole different story and one that needs to end the sooner the better. He picks on those that cannot fight back, but from your words, it seems you can.  If people just learn to connect their brains to their mouths just imagine how many problems could be solved. BTW, you answered your own question *(1)*, on what you need to do next.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Depends on the person.

And me.. Sort of a confession. There are two kinds of mean:
The very nasty one: I’ve done this 3 times in my life including my SA WW. I am extremely slow to anger. It is not easy and you seriously have to cross my boundaries repeatedly until I’m so wounded that I stop caring; Bridges would have already been burnt. I also secretly desire change in you as you come out of the ashes. (My lame justification)

I consider it an evil X skillset. I did warn my wife about that side... I did help push a roommate over that edge into a mental institution. I have driven others to punching holes in walls or crying for days. I don’t just get mean, I will push you right into the well, and kick you back down just when you’ve almost climbed out. It isn’t a argument, it is a campaign to wreck you. Every time they’ve become suicidal. The nasty one is going deep and hard at those things I know you already question yourself on and are insecure about; your worst fears about the truths of you. I just lay that out knowing you can’t put it away and have struggled with it for a long time. There’s a lot about people they worry about in themselves. So it isn’t even ‘targeted’ to one specific thing... it’s a full on assault on your entire perception and sense of self as almost completely fabricated to hide who you really know you are. 

The other kind:
Intentionally exaggerated and crude. Childish taunts. The intent is more shock factor and release of frustration than anything else... Very easy for you to dismiss as just angry words. With me, that is intentional. I want you to be able to come to terms with it and dismiss it relatively quick. There is a distinct difference..

It is a very odd skill for me to have. If you knew me, you’d know me as a laid back, generally happy funny person even in the worst of circumstances; harmless, boy scout, nice guy, never abusive... but, if I want to, I can rip open massive scars. My default when I notice those insecurities is to bolster and support you so you feel less insecure... but I can do the opposite to.


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