# I am an array of emotions...now what?



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

This is the first time I have posted on the site. 
I have be separated for over a year. There were many things that in-fact lead up to it. I have been through hell( we all have in some way). I had to leave another site because they were not helpful. 

Anyway: I am here because the woman I love more than anything or anyone(besides our kids) no longer "loves"(recently she has said she loves me but we didn't work the first time so we can't be together).  It has been one cliche' after another. 
She wants to be friends... the list continues. and I am heartbroken more and more.
I have been trying to put a damper on my feelings for her. Placed them on another(dumbest/desperate/craziest mistake ever, though nothing physically or emotionally happened between us) and alienated a male friend and a female( go figure). I still love her so much and don't know how to stop, in some ways it hurts, in others, it feels better to be honest with myself.
I am not crying victim per, I acknowledge that my some of my actions are to blame, but I am not willing to take the blame for all of it, just my half.Still waiting for her, not going to happen. 

My main concern is: If she wants the best of me(friendship), why do I still have to deal with the worst of her, as a friend. I do not get the privilege they do(stopped after a few years). 
Yes, I know I don't have to, it is the best way I can think of phrasing it.
I have more to say, but I feel better in discussion format.
I don't know how to stop loving her, but she figured out on me years ago.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you can't get over it, get professional help. 

It is harder when you have kids w/ someone, of course, but you can still cut off all contact--arrange to exchange the kids through a neutral 3rd party, for example (she drops them off, leaves, you pick them up). 

complete no contact--questions related to the kids go through your lawyer (or, again, a neutral third party). 

But still, when we say we "love" someone who does not love us, we are most likely to be in love with what and who we think they are, and not focused on the reality. also, missing someone--grieving a loss--is normal, and sadness about it is normal, but hanging on to this feeling of desperate love is not healthy. You may have some OCD, and therapy and/or medication can help. Good luck.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here. It is extremely painful to be rejected by someone you love. I don't know exactly how you remain friends with some you are in love with while they feel differently. My STBXH tried that crap too, talked about all the things he loves about me but his heart is dead to me, could we just be friends. For me, I found that insulting. He knew he had tore my heart apart but yet he had the nerve to ask to be friends? I don't know about your wife but I think my STBXH knew that I would go dark on him so he tought he could stay in my life by just being friends. People like that are selfish. They do not have a clue about the pain they have inflicted on their spouses.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> If you can't get over it, get professional help.
> 
> It is harder when you have kids w/ someone, of course, but you can still cut off all contact--arrange to exchange the kids through a neutral 3rd party, for example (she drops them off, leaves, you pick them up).
> 
> ...


I have no one that could do the 3rd party thing. I tried no contact, that was worse than what I am going through now. I am and have been going to therapy. She is unable to drive at all. Unfortunately, I am stuck for many reasons. She never told me why she was unhappy until she feel out with me. (I was un-trusting, I had my concrete reasons, that or I and several other people have the same skewed view) I can't afford meds. Couples therapy happened once. I have tried to do my part. 
By the last month of us living together, I was paranoid and questioning reality. Some things I right about, others were just unfounded worry.


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