# Question for the married ladies



## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

I've written on this forum in the past of how my relationship with my wife is going down the tubes.

Going back six months ago she flat out said that she has NEVER been attracked to me. Just for the record we have been married for over 15 years. After being crushed by that news I threatned to break up the marriage and leave. She said the conversation went to far and basically she is just not in the mood anytime because the stresses on life. Through all the years I've always felt something was missing between us being intimate. Looking back she would never initiate sex and it always felt ackward like we never connected. Through the years it was barely enough just to get by, but in some parts we found are things that made it work, but I always regretted that we never "just hung from the chandeliers". It has actually changed me as being a person, a husband and a father. Inside I'm a happy go lucky person that always wants to make the most in life and have fun. Over the years I've turned to a miserable prick around my family, because I feel at the age of 40 that life is passing me by and that I have all the responsibilities of a married man with 3 kids, but lack the relationship with my wife. Matter of fact I hate life right now because of this...

Now in regards to the current sexual scene with my wife it seems like over the last year things have changed. Any foreplay that we had before is gone. Basically doggy style and don't touch anything else. She will give me oral at least once a month, but to me this is not enough.

Over the last few weeks I've told her how disconnected I felt and how unhappy I truely am. She gets angry with me and says I don't get what I want in life. Basically as long as she is unhappy, she thinks its right for me to be unhappy. Now her issue is that she works from 5pm to 10pm in the evening and she doesn't see the 3 kids. I know it hurts her and we tried other arrangements to have her work in the day time or I've tried to purchase a business, but she has remained at this evening job for the last 17 years. She flat out resents me for her working in the evening and said even this week that she might never get over the years she has lost at not being at home with the kids. What even makes matters worst is that I lost my good paying job of 17 years back in April. I do have a job in the mortgage industry, but its all commision based and if it wasn't for unemployment coming in conditions would be worst. 

Last month my wife and I took a 3 day trip to research a franchise that I was looking to buy. This was the 1st time we flew away from the kids and had time alone. I admit it was a long day flying across country, attending a dinner with stangers from the company and not getting much sleep. Then after dinner we went back to the hotel, stayed at the lounge and had a couple drinks. We go back to the room, get in bed with the TV on and I make a move to have sex and what do I get??? I'm tired its been a long day. I couldn't believe that finally after so many years we had time alone and this is the response I got. 
I got pissed, got dressed and went back down to the lounge. On the 3rd day in the morning after me badgering her again she decided lets do it doggy and no foreplay. At the times when this is happening as a man you can't resist, but days later you think back and say what the f$#@ was that??? 

Now the question is am I asking for that much in a relationship, should I be satsified with what I get? I don't feel satified. 

One last question in my wifes pocket book she carries a small container of mouthwash, a small disposable toothbrush and a femine whip. Now she also has tampons in there as well, but should I be worried about the other stuff? I can't help, but think if she doesn't want it from me she is getting it somewhere especially the part were we have become so distant.

Any help will be greatly appreciated...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Did she ever behave as though she were attracted to you?

If my spouse admitted to never having been attracted, I'd find it difficult after so many years, but it would start the beginning of the end for me. 

As far as the trip is concerned, I can see her being tired. If you wanted to have time with her that was romantic and relaxed, you should have planned it that way. So don't give her a hard time about that. You actually have other, real problems. 

If she'd like to change her working hours, has she looked for another position? Blaming a spouse is pretty lame, IMO. You take responsibility for your own working conditions. 

If you want to salvage this, get into therapy on your own to decide if it is worth it. Then invite her in. 

The two of you are living without the one thing that makes marriage meaningful -- no, not sex -- sex is an extension of connection, it isn't the connection itself. There is no love in your life. And that's sad.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you keep mentioning that she prefers doggie style if at all. this is the one position that she doesnt have to see any part of you. could she be "making the best of it" at the time or maybe even be visualizing someone else is behind her? sounds harsh i know, but that just seems strange to me. even my wife likes different positions WHEN we do finally get intimate.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ctn594 said:


> Now her issue is that she works from 5pm to 10pm in the evening and she doesn't see the 3 kids. I know it hurts her and we tried other arrangements to have her work in the day time or I've tried to purchase a business, but she has remained at this evening job for the last 17 years. She flat out resents me for her working in the evening and said even this week that she might never get over the years she has lost at not being at home with the kids.


I would not brush this off. If she feels trapped with this job because of your financial situation she may well directly resent you for this. Is there any way she can switch to day hours? She values time with her kids way more than the job she has, but feels trapped--that she can't change it...Can she? Can you help her?


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'll try to answer each question seperate.

Honestly I always felt like something was missing from our relationship regarding attraction. I guess I was naive enough to think are relationship would improve after marriage. Silly me...

I believe she looks better today at 39 years old then when I first met her at 20 years old. She always claims that I have aged well and i continue to get compliments from people who can't believe that I'm 40 years old with a kid in high school. My wife always uses the term that she thinks some people are good looking, but doesn't find them sexually attractive. I'm not a loud obnoxious person, but I believe she puts me in this camp, for some reason.

So overall its not new to me, but this behavior has took its toll over the years. We have argued about sex constantly over the years. I feel like I could be so much more to her if we had the connection. You are so right about us not being connected, but why am I the only one fighting for this? 

As far as the doggie style? That is the same thought pattern that I'm starting to have. We just do it, no passion at all from her. If my hands start to wander she moves them away. Now what about her giving me oral sex about once a month? Could a woman oral sex to someone she is not attracted to?

As far as work goes. We tried to get her on a 1st shift, but it comes down to who will watch the kids in the summer time when they are out of school. I've tried looking at buying a business or two over the year, but that involves getting an SBA loan and using the house as collateral. I look at it as a risk that at this point needs to be taken if the right opportunity comes about. I have done nothing, but try to help her find a different daytime job like a teachers assistant so she could be home in the summertime. I'm all for making her happy...


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