# to watch...or not to watch



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

My wife and I have been together for many years, and differences in sexual desire (her desire much lower than mine) has been an issue. As part of marriage therapy, I have come to learn that my wife often has "reactive desire", where she may not often just get horny or think a lot about sex, but gets into it once it has started. Over the course of years, I have realized that certain things really spark her sexual interest and get her "thinking" about sex, but they also make her feel guilty/shameful. I have even started to feel that her desire is not actually as low as I once thought, but she knows the things that sexually interest her make her feel guilty, so she somewhat avoids them (and thinking about them). This really bums me out, because it seems so obvious to me, to have a healthy sexual life, you have to embrace what turns you on (within reason of course). I feel very compelled to try to convince her she does not need to feel guilty or shame for her sexual fantasies, but then I question if my motives for convincing her are selfish (I want more and better sex, and this will lead to that), as well as if it is not ok to encourage your spouse to enjoy their sexual expression. 

For her, the idea of being sexually taken by another women is a huge turn on (pretty darn common fantasy for a women), but her upbringing really make her feel bad about it. She is open to admitting it turns her on (it is not a secret), but would actively avoid being exposed to it. A couple times, we stumbled across some erotica or a scene in a movie depicting this, and she always gets REALLY turned on. 

I would not suggest she go out into the world and act on it, but seems odd to me that it couldn't be a part of our bedroom dirty talk, watching movies, reading lesbian erotica? Is it wrong of me to want her to embrace it (yes...I know part of that want if for me...but seems she would be much more fulfilled to embrace her sexual self also)??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ooops, I misread a key word and have completely redacted my whole post.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Likely among the best advice; keep encouraging her to enjoy sex without shame but leave third parties out of it, even the lesbian / inviting another woman to your bedroom. 

Whereas some couple's that have no sex problems and have a very firm foundation combined with just the right circumstances can pull it off without blowing up a relationship, trust that most, cannot.

Watching porn while having sex may not be the best. I'm not saying porn is bad but as an add during sex typically is a distraction and both parties know it, which can create a divide.

Appreciate her, help her appreciate herself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Wear a wig, a stuffed full bra, panties and lipstick to bed.
I could not do it, maybe you could, instead!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Wear a wig, a stuffed full bra, panties and lipstick to bed.
> I could not do it, maybe you could, instead!


I was just about to suggest that lol.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think if you are having problems in your sex life bringing someone else into it doesn't seem like a very safe answer. Wouldn't be my answer. I can't think of very much where that would work out. Say I was having problems on my job, bringing someone in to do if for me wouldn't make me feel to secure.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I’d say no, don’t push her about her fantasies in this area. Just let her have them and she can feel guilty or not, as she sees fit for herself. It literally has nothing to do with you. 

Find or introduce other things to fantasize about with her or porn. Do not try to manipulate her to open up to you as it is completely self serving. If she opens up to you about something else that actually has to do with you or that does not make her feel guilty, then great! Pursue that. But if you try to “trick” her into opening up about what she does not want to open up about, you’re just going to make yourself look like a jackass. Not a cool husband who is “helping” her out of her shell.

Contrary to the opinion of some, not all fantasies need to be forced out of someone and laid on the table in front of their spouse. Give her mind some privacy for goodness sake. It’s not about you. Find out what is about you and stick to that.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

just to clarify for everyone...I was NOT suggesting bringing another person into the relationship...it was more about erotica/porn, that was in line with what turns my wife on...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> My wife and I have been together for many years, and differences in sexual desire (her desire much lower than mine) has been an issue. As part of marriage therapy, I have come to learn that my wife often has "reactive desire", where she may not often just get horny or think a lot about sex, but gets into it once it has started. Over the course of years, I have realized that certain things really spark her sexual interest and get her "thinking" about sex, but they also make her feel guilty/shameful. I have even started to feel that her desire is not actually as low as I once thought, but she knows the things that sexually interest her make her feel guilty, so she somewhat avoids them (and thinking about them). This really bums me out, because it seems so obvious to me, to have a healthy sexual life, you have to embrace what turns you on (within reason of course). I feel very compelled to try to convince her she does not need to feel guilty or shame for her sexual fantasies, but then I question if my motives for convincing her are selfish (I want more and better sex, and this will lead to that), as well as if it is not ok to encourage your spouse to enjoy their sexual expression.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



No no no. If she feels guilt and shame about something she’s turned on by, you can ‘capitalise’ on that by making her feel even more shameful when you dirty-talk to her. (But only within the bedroom context. Don’t pry or try to find out the whys and hows when you are not playing). 
Usually, that’s part of the turn on. Talk her through a hot lesbian scene and make her feel like a totale wh8re for having those cravings. Dirty talk and role play is better than porn because women have more imagination...
You have there (potentially) a sexually extremely hungry and deprived wife (trust me). You won’t believe the change if you play your cards right. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I would not suggest she go out into the world and act on it, but seems odd to me that it couldn't be a part of our bedroom dirty talk, watching movies, reading lesbian erotica? Is it wrong of me to want her to embrace it (yes...I know part of that want if for me...but seems she would be much more fulfilled to embrace her sexual self also)??


My opinion... just being more confident in yourself while keeping things simple and natural is probably the best option. If your wife has responsive desire, focus more on taking responsibility to be sure you are extremely aroused before trying to initiate intimacy. This way it makes it very easy for her to please you, which she will enjoy feeling empowered and desirable, which in turn will give her the best opportunity to respond to that with her own arousal. 

If you suggest movies or erotic materials, you may come across to her as sexually inept, needy, and too complicated. This will just serve to get her irritated. Even if she does respond to any erotic materials, her instincts to avoid them may now become imprinted onto you as well. Then she will start avoiding you sexually just as she has done with things she finds sexually shameful or inappropriate her whole life. 

If she opens up and asks for something different, THEN you can be supportive. But you have to allow that to come from her. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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