# Feeling frustrated



## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Hello all! I have a partner we have been together off and on for over a year. It has been quite rough. Over the summer we split up for just over a month. Then decided to hang out as friends which then led to us being back together. When we first got back together everything was going great “honeymoon phase” after nearly 2 months it was right back to him complaining daily about petty things, picking arguments on a daily basis. Things have now been like this for about 6 weeks. Since then my sex drive has went down significantly. We went from almost daily to a few times a week. About a month ago i told him that our relationship was really feeling like it was only sexual. 2 weeks ago my father died unexpectedly. He has been a great help and has stepped up to the plate in helping me with all my dads stuff and helping me grieve. Aside from that he has still been very nitpicky and starting arguements. The day before my dad was cremated he tried to get intimate with me and I wasn’t in the mood as I had a lot on my mind about my dad. I expressed that and he went on saying he was going to go jerk off and said he was sexually frustrated. It’s been 2 weeks since then and we have had sex a few times. Over the last week every time i have turned him down sexually he Carrie’s on as if to guilt trip me. One day i told him to go ahead and just do it as I was sick of hearing him complain. Last night was the same thing. I said I wasn’t in the mood, he said he was sexually frustrated and went on saying that he is depressed and sex is the only thing that helps lift his mood. Started jerking off next to me and I felt a bit irritated by it as I found it a bit disrespectful. I told him again to go ahead and do it but I said if he did knowing full well that I’m not in the mood then that would speak volumes to me that he has no respect for me. I was crying about my dad earlier that night and had a lot on my mind again. What are peoples views on this situation? I feel he is being very selfish as I just lost my dad so he should respect that I am not in the mood. I have made some sexual comments to him through the day as at the time I was making them I was in the mood but he wasn’t around, when I go to bed is when my head is full thinking about my dad so sex is the furthest from my mind. He said me making comments like that are teasing him and making him get his hopes up that it will happen and then it doesn’t. I feel this whole thing is very immature. Please help. Thanks!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

disrespected said:


> I feel this whole thing is very immature.


That's one way of looking at it. I see it as disrespectful and selfish.

And you're with this guy because ...??????


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

disrespected said:


> Hello all! I have a partner we have been together off and on for over a year. It has been quite rough. Over the summer we split up for just over a month. Then decided to hang out as friends which then led to us being back together. When we first got back together everything was going great “honeymoon phase” after nearly 2 months it was right back to him complaining daily about petty things, picking arguments on a daily basis. Things have now been like this for about 6 weeks. Since then my sex drive has went down significantly. We went from almost daily to a few times a week. About a month ago i told him that our relationship was really feeling like it was only sexual. 2 weeks ago my father died unexpectedly. He has been a great help and has stepped up to the plate in helping me with all my dads stuff and helping me grieve. Aside from that he has still been very nitpicky and starting arguements. The day before my dad was cremated he tried to get intimate with me and I wasn’t in the mood as I had a lot on my mind about my dad. I expressed that and he went on saying he was going to go jerk off and said he was sexually frustrated. It’s been 2 weeks since then and we have had sex a few times. Over the last week every time i have turned him down sexually he Carrie’s on as if to guilt trip me. One day i told him to go ahead and just do it as I was sick of hearing him complain. Last night was the same thing. I said I wasn’t in the mood, he said he was sexually frustrated and went on saying that he is depressed and sex is the only thing that helps lift his mood. Started jerking off next to me and I felt a bit irritated by it as I found it a bit disrespectful. I told him again to go ahead and do it but I said if he did knowing full well that I’m not in the mood then that would speak volumes to me that he has no respect for me. I was crying about my dad earlier that night and had a lot on my mind again. What are peoples views on this situation? I feel he is being very selfish as I just lost my dad so he should respect that I am not in the mood. I have made some sexual comments to him through the day as at the time I was making them I was in the mood but he wasn’t around, when I go to bed is when my head is full thinking about my dad so sex is the furthest from my mind. He said me making comments like that are teasing him and making him get his hopes up that it will happen and then it doesn’t. I feel this whole thing is very immature. Please help. Thanks!


I know that the ONLY time my wife isn't in the mood is when our relationship isn't right. I think a lot of women are like that so believe it's pretty normal. Probably not the right guy for you,.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> That's one way of looking at it. I see it as disrespectful and selfish.
> 
> And you're with this guy because ...??????


i agree it is definitely selfish and disrespectful. I don’t like giving up on relationships and I know that is a me problem. I know that I’m unhappy. There has been a lot that has happened in the past and it’s been very difficult as he has changed but at the same time not enough that it has made any sort of impact. I wasn’t sure if I am contributing to this by my making sexual comments to him and then turning him down when it’s bed time. Thank you for validating my feelings I realize i need to take a look at the bigger picture.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I know that the ONLY time my wife isn't in the mood is when our relationship isn't right. I think a lot of women are like that so believe it's pretty normal. Probably not the right guy for you,.


Yes that is dead on. I definitely feel like there isn’t much right about this relationship. Thank you for taking the time to respond


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hanging out as friends after a breakup is never a good idea. Next time (because there will be a next time) go your separate ways with no contact.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

This relationship will never work. Get out now. Find someone you are in sync with.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Run! At this early stage of your relationship he is already behaving like a ****. Do you really think it will get better with time? No chance.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Kput said:


> Run! At this early stage of your relationship he is already behaving like a ****. Do you really think it will get better with time? No chance.


I don’t, I’ve been Holding onto false hope. I feel like I’ve already given too many chances. I know at some point I have to cut my losses and close the door.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

disrespected said:


> I don’t, I’ve been Holding onto false hope. I feel like I’ve already given too many chances. I know at some point I have to cut my losses and close the door.


That some point is here... now.. On and off for a year, you should be at your happiest.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Hanging out as friends after a breakup is never a good idea. Next time (because there will be a next time) go your separate ways with no contact.


We did go no contact for a month. Then I was wondering how he was doing and messaged him. Now I’m all backwards again.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

"cut your losses" doesn't sound like much of a loss tbh


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

disrespected said:


> We did go no contact for a month. Then I was wondering how he was doing and messaged him. Now I’m all backwards again.


The same happened to me... but it was the other person reaching out... so I know how you feel. Stay strong!! We are here to help you through this.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

thank you all. I’ve been on the fence for a long while. I know I have to dive off it at some point.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Works said:


> The same happened to me... but it was the other person reaching out... so I know how you feel. Stay strong!! We are here to help you through this.


Thank you 💕


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

disrespected said:


> Thank you 💕


🤗🤗🤗


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

He sounds like a bratty 17 year old. Although even my 18 would never be that disrespectful to his girlfriend. Is this the relationship you want for the future? If so, why? People’s bad behavior doesn’t improve with marriage (if you headed that way), it gets worse. You know this isn’t right. Be strong. Find the guy who places your well-being above his need to jerk off in front of you because he’s pissed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

disrespected said:


> We did go no contact for a month. Then I was wondering how he was doing and messaged him. Now I’m all backwards again.


And now you know why no contact is supposed to be permanent. I know it’s tempting to think you can handle it (I did too) but it rarely works out well.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hugs-So sorry you lost your dad.

Your boyfriend doesn’t love, care or respect you. He wouldn’t be acting like he is if he did.

Get out of the relationship, you deserve so much more then he is able to give you.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

disrespected said:


> thank you all. I’ve been on the fence for a long while. I know I have to dive off it at some point.


Errrr.... sorry to be blunt, but Lady, are you mad? Did you eat something that grows behind the wall radiator? Where you hit on the head with a soft cushion one time too often? 
You do not have to dive off AT SOME POINT. You have to dive off NOW. 
This man is mentally abusing you, ffs. 
You said you feel that you think your relationship is only sexual. It's not. It's sexual, right, but not a relationship.
He is using you as a sperm receptical and has no regards for your needs and feelings in any way, shape or form. 

And when you say 'you told him to go ahead' even when you didn't want - do you mean he was jerking off beside you or IN you? Because the first is a red flag the second one is called sexual abuse. Your 'consent' is pressured which is, at least in my country, punishable with prison. 

I really hope it is the red flag. 
Anyway, get out there and fast, before you carry any lasting metal damage from that jerk. 
A kick to the crown jewels on your way out might be cathartic, just saying 🤷‍♂️


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

sleeping_sandman said:


> Errrr.... sorry to be blunt, but Lady, are you mad? Did you eat something that grows behind the wall radiator? Where you hit on the head with a soft cushion one time too often?
> You do not have to dive off AT SOME POINT. You have to dive off NOW.
> This man is mentally abusing you, ffs.
> You said you feel that you think your relationship is only sexual. It's not. It's sexual, right, but not a relationship.
> ...


I have lost myself over the last few years. My son was murdered and since then I have been a bit if a mess. I agree with you completely. I see that the relationship is toxic. I know I need to spend time alone and heal.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

disrespected said:


> I have lost myself over the last few years. My son was murdered and since then I have been a bit if a mess. I agree with you completely. I see that the relationship is toxic. I know I need to spend time alone and heal.


Really, I am sorry for this devastating loss. I really am. 
But if you stay with this sorry excuse of a man you are either tripping on a submission fetish or you seriously need to consult a Therapist. 
The third way highly likely involves my colleagues in your homecountry, some sand and a waterhose. Oh, and a plastic bag, The plastic bag is really important in this. 

I am a paramedic by the way, with a very particular field of expertise. Me and my colleagues are called in suicide prevention and investigation. Additionally I am schooled in emergency counselling of relatives and bystanders at the scene. 

What I want to say with my very sniding remark here: You are on a downward spiral. Or as my boss so eloquently put it everytime the blue bell (suicide attempt in progress) chimes with a citation of Theoden (LOTR): And so it begins...
The difference now for me is I am sitting at our station waiting for the bell to chime, about 3000 miles away from you and I can do ****fuck to help you after my colleague told me today to seek out this forum and handed me a note on a completely unrelated note after he had a heart to heart talk with my wife. 
Normally I would talk to you like a youngling and would try to guide you away from where you stand into the arms of our psychiatrist. He would then send you to the hospital whre they would hold you for a night to monitor your sleeping pattern and behaviour. Next day or two you would be handed an adress package with names of psychologist with specialisation in trauma and grief counselling. 

But, alas, I can't so I use the crowbar approach in hopes I can batter some sense in you to go and find my colleagues over there. 
What you are doing to yourself is called debasing. This is a form of selfpunishment (or sexual fetish, in which case you also need help, because the outcome is basically the same, the road is only a bit longer). This debasing tends to multiply. As you get more and more used to it you will need a stronger and stronger dose of it to feel adequatly destroyed. 
The end? My colleagues will scrape you off some street under a lonely bridge. That is a given. Or maybe you will choose the slow route out. Maybe Heroin or Meth? Kills just as efficiently than jumping but takes longer and hurts more. And the debasing before the end is bigger. 

Did I scare you? I hope so, because you still seem to not realise in which danger you put yourself. 
You have unsolved grief issues while playing the receiving part in a toxic relationship.
How long do think it will take until he will not take your no for granted anymore? When do you think your pretended I don't care attitiude will wear off and you will start to fight back? And what do you think will happen then? 

Dear Mrs, 'disrespected' give yourself a little selfrespect. Muster it from whereever you buried your selfesteem. 
And run fom there. Run as fast and as far as you can. And then some more. 

You are worth it. Stop this path of selfdestruction. Do you have any family you can rely on? If so, ask them for help. If not go to your townhall and get a list of helping circles. Get an appointment for counselling. Move away from there. You are so much more worth than you give yourself credit for.
Please, please with a cherry on top. Get out of there and get yourself into professional helping hands.They will help you without debasing you as your 'boyfriend' is doing. 

For all that is good and holy to you: Leave. Now. Today. Or, if you need to organise a place, do it quick. Your spiral has begun and I can not tell from here where the clock hands are standing for you. But from what I read from you, you are at least half way done. From there on out the slope will only will get steeper and steeper. 

And you are precious, every human being is precious. You might think your dreams and your world died that day together with you son. But believe me, that is not true. While the hurt will never go away as it is with every loss that huges, there is still live. You live in Canada, as far as I can make out from your flag. Canada. Go out into the nature. Look and marvel in the beauty of creation. Try to watch Bears catching fish from a river. Take a Canoo trip down your beautiful lakes and rivers. Get away from where you are and begin to rebuild yourself. 
You are worth it. 
You are more than a sexdrive removal for a toxic excuse of a man. What kind of man does this to a woman? 
You are worth more than that, you earned more than that. 
Go, Girl, get it. 

Please.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


disrespected said:



The day before my dad was cremated he tried to get intimate with me and I wasn’t in the mood as I had a lot on my mind about my dad. I expressed that and he went on saying he was going to go jerk off and said he was sexually frustrated.

Click to expand...

*What a disgusting excuse for a supposed human being. I literally would have kicked him out of the house so damn fast at that point that I would have had to FedEx his worthless shadow to him the next day.

*



It’s been 2 weeks since then and we have had sex a few times. Over the last week every time i have turned him down sexually he Carrie’s on as if to guilt trip me. One day i told him to go ahead and just do it as I was sick of hearing him complain. Last night was the same thing. I said I wasn’t in the mood, he said he was sexually frustrated and went on saying that he is depressed and sex is the only thing that helps lift his mood. Started jerking off next to me and I felt a bit irritated by it as I found it a bit disrespectful.

Click to expand...

*Honestly, where is your self respect? Do you REALLY need someone around that badly that you're willing to sell your pride, your dignity and all your self-respect just to have this POS in your life? I find it horribly sad that a bunch of strangers need to TELL you how badly you're disrespecting yourself because you can't see it on your own.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

I am seeing it on my own, and have been. I guess that’s why I’m here. I’m embarrassed to tell my friends and family what is going on. I haven’t and don’t allow a man to control me. Yet In a way I am allowing it and disrespecting myself in the process. Before I met him I was a confident go getter who wouldn’t allow anything or anyone to stop me from any goal I was pursuing. Over time my self confidence has chipped away and I have no become a shell of what I once was. I had friends and family all around me but over the last year I’ve pushed everyone away. Mainly because he complains or says manipulative things when I’ve said I was going out anywhere. I used to bring him with me but no one liked him and everyone has been hoping I would come to my senses and leave for good. I’ve been in Councelling again for the last year. It hasn’t seemed to help much. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It has given me some clarity on just how stupid i have been.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

sleeping_sandman said:


> Really, I am sorry for this devastating loss. I really am.
> But if you stay with this sorry excuse of a man you are either tripping on a submission fetish or you seriously need to consult a Therapist.
> The third way highly likely involves my colleagues in your homecountry, some sand and a waterhose. Oh, and a plastic bag, The plastic bag is really important in this.
> 
> ...


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Thank you for your blunt response. Sometimes it’s needed. I am in councelling and have been for the last year. Prior to that was in it for a year after he was killed. They say that I’m completely fine, I know damn well I’m not. I’m definitely not suicidal, nor will I ever be, would never use drugs and drink maybe twice a year. However staying in this unhealthy toxic relationship has definitely crushed my self esteem and left me questioning who the hell am I anymore. I am aware that I’m in a downward spiral. I’ve successfully pushed most people out of my life and left my circle very small. Everyone left in shock that I’ve carried on this long with someone like him. My last relationship was 4 years long. He treated me like a queen, very respectful and we rarely argued. I ended things as he didn’t had no goals and didn’t have any motivation. I felt like I was more of a mother then a girlfriend as he was so agreeable. Then I met this one and the major issues are so apparent yet I somehow can’t let it go. I’ve lost myself in the process and I know eventually I will get myself back and I also know the only way to get there is by being alone and not getting into another relationship until I’ve fully healed. I have never heard of debasing but I will look further into it. We don’t live together and I know I could never live with someone with such a negative mentality. Yet I still carry him on my arm. I know something is deeply wrong with me at this point. 🤦‍♀️


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

disrespected said:


> I am seeing it on my own, and have been. I guess that’s why I’m here. I’m embarrassed to tell my friends and family what is going on. I haven’t and don’t allow a man to control me. Yet In a way I am allowing it and disrespecting myself in the process. Before I met him I was a confident go getter who wouldn’t allow anything or anyone to stop me from any goal I was pursuing. Over time my self confidence has chipped away and I have no become a shell of what I once was. I had friends and family all around me but over the last year I’ve pushed everyone away. Mainly because he complains or says manipulative things when I’ve said I was going out anywhere. I used to bring him with me but no one liked him and everyone has been hoping I would come to my senses and leave for good. I’ve been in Councelling again for the last year. It hasn’t seemed to help much. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It has given me some clarity on just how stupid i have been.


That's it. That is exactly it. 
You have family. 
Go to them, cry for help if you must. 
I am on no good terms with my sister, but if she would come to me with a partner problem like yours.... let's just say I know some guys who know some guys...
And this will be the case with your family, especially if you only recently started to be distant and shielding. 
Call out to them, friends, brothers, sisters, cousins whatever. They will be there, believe me, and they will bury this ****tard figuratively behind the next hedge never to be found again. 

You have your way out right in front your nose, one phonecall away. 
You are debasing yourself to that a$$hat and you are not able to do a little begging to the one people who genuinely care for you? 
Come on.... 

And yes I will creep up behind any post of yours until you write: "I am out there, I've done it." 

Because I know you can do that. You did it once already... So be prepared for me to be there and push you until you move


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

disrespected said:


> Thank you for your blunt response. Sometimes it’s needed. I am in councelling and have been for the last year. Prior to that was in it for a year after he was killed. They say that I’m completely fine, I know damn well I’m not. I’m definitely not suicidal, nor will I ever be, would never use drugs and drink maybe twice a year. However staying in this unhealthy toxic relationship has definitely crushed my self esteem and left me questioning who the hell am I anymore. I am aware that I’m in a downward spiral. I’ve successfully pushed most people out of my life and left my circle very small. Everyone left in shock that I’ve carried on this long with someone like him. My last relationship was 4 years long. He treated me like a queen, very respectful and we rarely argued. I ended things as he didn’t had no goals and didn’t have any motivation. I felt like I was more of a mother then a girlfriend as he was so agreeable. Then I met this one and the major issues are so apparent yet I somehow can’t let it go. I’ve lost myself in the process and I know eventually I will get myself back and I also know the only way to get there is by being alone and not getting into another relationship until I’ve fully healed. I have never heard of debasing but I will look further into it. We don’t live together and I know I could never live with someone with such a negative mentality. Yet I still carry him on my arm. I know something is deeply wrong with me at this point. 🤦‍♀️











Definition of debase | Dictionary.com


Debase definition, to reduce in quality or value; adulterate: They debased the value of the dollar. See more.




www.dictionary.com





That's basically the definition. In Germany we have a beatuiful, yet haunting word for it (I know we have a word for everything): Selbsterniedrigung...which literally translat into self-abasement, but the meaning is darker, more perverted, especially in a man-woman context.

And about the pushing: What can be pushed can be pulled. Especially true with family.

So, but now I am out. It's half past one over here and my boss says I should get some shut eye. I can not save the world in one night 
But I will stick with you... that's a promise (or a threat), if you like me to do so.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Hugs-So sorry you lost your dad.
> 
> Your boyfriend doesn’t love, care or respect you. He wouldn’t be acting like he is if he did.
> 
> Get out of the relationship, you deserve so much more then he is able to give you.


Thank you 💕


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

sleeping_sandman said:


> That's it. That is exactly it.
> You have family.
> Go to them, cry for help if you must.
> I am on no good terms with my sister, but if she would come to me with a partner problem like yours.... let's just say I know some guys who know some guys...
> ...


I was going to them before and quite frankly they are sick of seeing me staying with him. Sick of how I’ve been mistreated but know that I will leave once I’m completely fed up. I am at that point now, but then I allow some stupid hope to creep in.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re obviously the only one who can fix this. If you allow it, hope will keep you there. Don’t.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

sleeping_sandman said:


> Definition of debase | Dictionary.com
> 
> 
> Debase definition, to reduce in quality or value; adulterate: They debased the value of the dollar. See more.
> ...


Thank you again and good night! I wish we all could save the world lol.


Openminded said:


> You’re obviously the only one who can fix this. If you allow it, hope will keep you there. Don’t.


agreed 💕 n thank you


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

disrespected said:


> Hello all! I have a partner we have been together off and on for over a year. It has been quite rough. Over the summer we split up for just over a month. Then decided to hang out as friends which then led to us being back together. When we first got back together everything was going great “honeymoon phase” after nearly 2 months it was right back to him complaining daily about petty things, picking arguments on a daily basis. Things have now been like this for about 6 weeks. Since then my sex drive has went down significantly. We went from almost daily to a few times a week. About a month ago i told him that our relationship was really feeling like it was only sexual. 2 weeks ago my father died unexpectedly. He has been a great help and has stepped up to the plate in helping me with all my dads stuff and helping me grieve. Aside from that he has still been very nitpicky and starting arguements. The day before my dad was cremated he tried to get intimate with me and I wasn’t in the mood as I had a lot on my mind about my dad. I expressed that and he went on saying he was going to go jerk off and said he was sexually frustrated. It’s been 2 weeks since then and we have had sex a few times. Over the last week every time i have turned him down sexually he Carrie’s on as if to guilt trip me. One day i told him to go ahead and just do it as I was sick of hearing him complain. Last night was the same thing. I said I wasn’t in the mood, he said he was sexually frustrated and went on saying that he is depressed and sex is the only thing that helps lift his mood. Started jerking off next to me and I felt a bit irritated by it as I found it a bit disrespectful. I told him again to go ahead and do it but I said if he did knowing full well that I’m not in the mood then that would speak volumes to me that he has no respect for me. I was crying about my dad earlier that night and had a lot on my mind again. What are peoples views on this situation? I feel he is being very selfish as I just lost my dad so he should respect that I am not in the mood. I have made some sexual comments to him through the day as at the time I was making them I was in the mood but he wasn’t around, when I go to bed is when my head is full thinking about my dad so sex is the furthest from my mind. He said me making comments like that are teasing him and making him get his hopes up that it will happen and then it doesn’t. I feel this whole thing is very immature. Please help. Thanks!


I’m not seeing the reason you two are together. I am guessing it’s because one or both of you is afraid of being alone. By the way, that’s one of the worst reasons to stay together. When you choose a partner, it should be an improvement upon how great your single life is. It shouldn’t be to fill a void.

This guy is very selfish. I highly recommend ending the relationship and doing work on yourself to figure out why you have been willing to accept him for this long. you don’t want a man in your life who is willing to guilt a grieving woman into having sex with him. Big yikes. Besides, you owe him absolutely nothing.

In the future, however, maybe steer clear of teasing guys if you’re not sure you are going to be able to follow through.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Skookaroo said:


> I’m not seeing the reason you two are together. I am guessing it’s because one or both of you is afraid of being alone. By the way, that’s one of the worst reasons to stay together. When you choose a partner, it should be an improvement upon how great your single life is. It shouldn’t be to fill a void.
> 
> This guy is very selfish. I highly recommend ending the relationship and doing work on yourself to figure out why you have been willing to accept him for this long. you don’t want a man in your life who is willing to guilt a grieving woman into having sex with him. Big yikes. Besides, you owe him absolutely nothing.
> 
> In the future, however, maybe steer clear of teasing guys if you’re not sure you are going to be able to follow through.


I absolutely agree with you. I have always said I want someone that compliments my life, not someone that complicates it. Yet Ive remained in the same place with someone who has made me miserable. It has brought down my self worth, and I’ve lost myself in the process. I do know that I have to muster up the will to leave him again. I did it for a month already and it was the most peaceful month I have had in over a year. I focused on myself, fitness and spent time with friends again. I’ve taken about 10 steps back on the last few months as I allowed myself to check up on him to see how he was doing and then ultimately let him lure me back in again. Thank you for your response.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

disrespected said:


> Hello all! I have a partner we have been together off and on for over a year. It has been quite rough. Over the summer we split up for just over a month. Then decided to hang out as friends which then led to us being back together.
> 
> ..... The day before my dad was cremated he tried to get intimate with me and I wasn’t in the mood as I had a lot on my mind about my dad. I expressed that and he went on saying he was going to go jerk off and said he was sexually frustrated. ..... i told him to go ahead and just do it as I was sick of hearing him complain. Last night was the same thing. I said I wasn’t in the mood, he said he was sexually frustrated and went on saying that he is depressed and sex is the only thing that helps lift his mood. Started jerking off next to me and I felt a bit irritated by it as I found it a bit disrespectful. ......





disrespected said:


> i agree it is definitely selfish and disrespectful. I don’t like giving up on relationships and I know that is a me problem. I know that I’m unhappy. .....





disrespected said:


> ..... I definitely feel like there isn’t much right about this relationship......





disrespected said:


> .....I’ve been Holding onto false hope. I feel like I’ve already given too many chances. I know at some point I have to cut my losses and close the door.





disrespected said:


> thank you all. I’ve been on the fence for a long while. I know I have to dive off it at some point.





disrespected said:


> I have lost myself over the last few years. *My son was murdered* and *since then I have been a bit if a mess. I agree with you completely. I see that the relationship is toxic. I know I need to spend time alone and heal.*





disrespected said:


> ........ I used to bring him with me but no one liked him and everyone has been hoping I would come to my senses and leave for good. I’ve been in Councelling again for the last year. It hasn’t seemed to help much.......





disrespected said:


> ....I am in councelling and have been for the last year. Prior to that was in it for a year after he was killed. They say that I’m completely fine, I know damn well I’m not. I’m definitely not suicidal, nor will I ever be, would never use drugs and drink maybe twice a year. However staying in this unhealthy toxic relationship has definitely crushed my self esteem and left me questioning who the hell am I anymore.
> 
> ..... I felt like I was more of a mother then a girlfriend as he was so agreeable. .....





disrespected said:


> ..... It has brought down my self worth, and I’ve lost myself in the process. *I do know that I have to muster up the will to leave him again*. I did it for a month already and it was the most peaceful month I have had in over a year. *I focused on myself, fitness and spent time with friends again.* I’ve taken about 10 steps back on the last few months as I allowed myself to check up on him to see how he was doing and then ultimately let him lure me back in again. Thank you for your response.


You have had a lot of trauma in your life, death of a son and father. My heart goes out to you.

In reading your posts it sounds like you are making progress in deciding what you want to do with your current BF of under a year. That is often early in a relationship to make a lifetime commitment and you sound like you want to end the relationship more than continue it.

Having said that, one thing people find very hard to deal with is the death of a close relative. My W and I have been married over 51 years, I have been there when her brother died and each of her parents died. It definately took time to grieve and heal from those events. I provided her with the best support I could, but really didn't know how to act. Your BF may have been even more clueless as he has not known you for very long and nothing in his life could have prepared him for the support role you needed. So rather than being angry at him and blaming his immaturity, maybe he just didn't know how to help you. Don't make him a villain so you can be a victim. Just let him go as not a good fit after a year of trying.

I wish you luck. Keep up with the counseling.


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## umbluu (Jan 24, 2020)

---maybe he just didn't know how to help you.

Ok, so let's say he did not know how to help Disrespected and offered her sex to cheer her up and take her mind away from sad things... then, if it was about her, and not abut him, why did he pout and declared himself sexually frustrated and announced he will be jerking off when she told him no?
Suppose he has high drive and his partner (Disrespected) going through hard times does not automatically turn him off. That in itself does not make him a bad guy. But then go jerk off privately and quietly, without complaining about being sexually frustrated...


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> You have had a lot of trauma in your life, death of a son and father. My heart goes out to you.
> 
> In reading your posts it sounds like you are making progress in deciding what you want to do with your current BF of under a year. That is often early in a relationship to make a lifetime commitment and you sound like you want to end the relationship more than continue it.
> 
> ...


Thank you. The night before the cremation when he was upset about not getting sex I said to him my dad just passed away, why would I be thinking about sex. I also told him that I felt it was very inappropriate the way he was acting about not getting it, that I felt it was insensitive and selfish. A week later and again at 2 weeks later doing the same after the first time I expressed how I felt about it I definitely would think that one would learn the first time and be certain not to act that way again. That is typically how communication is supposed to work. I do get what you are saying tho if it only happened once. I know he isn’t a terrible person, I have always looked at his potential and hoped that he would learn new ways but one can only dream and wish for so long that someone grows.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

umbluu said:


> ---maybe he just didn't know how to help you.
> 
> Ok, so let's say he did not know how to help Disrespected and offered her sex to cheer her up and take her mind away from sad things... then, if it was about her, and not abut him, why did he pout and declared himself sexually frustrated and announced he will be jerking off when she told him no?
> Suppose he has high drive and his partner (Disrespected) going through hard times does not automatically turn him off. That in itself does not make him a bad guy. But then go jerk off privately and quietly, without complaining about being sexually frustrated...


The second and third time he did say he has been stressed out and sex is the only thing that helps to give him some sort of release from stress. That was the main reason why I told him to go ahead even tho I wasn’t in the mood. Some people are able to put others before themselves, others aren’t. I feel the type that struggle with that should be alone and work on that part of themselves as they shouldn’t be in a relationship. I have had very healthy mature relationships in the past. That had a fair level of give and take. Some people bring out the best in you, others bring out the worst. I feel the last year I have learned this. Also felt like I have went backwards in my own personal growth trying to help him with his depression and be understanding. I know I’m at the point where I’ve had enough. This definitely isn’t the only issue we have had. I just take a lot of ******** when I care for someone.


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## umbluu (Jan 24, 2020)

---The second and third time he did say he has been stressed out and sex is the only thing that helps to give him some sort of release from stress. That was the main reason why I told him to go ahead even tho I wasn’t in the mood. 

See, it is not about "helping" you in any way, it is about HIM relieving HIS stress through sex with the partner who does not want him in that moment. So - no connection. Just him relieving his stress.
Sometimes taking care of someone becomes just enabling bad behavior.


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## umbluu (Jan 24, 2020)

---Some people are able to put others before themselves, others aren’t. 

Sure, but you have the right to choose which ones you want to be with.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

disrespected said:


> The second and third time he did say he has been stressed out and sex is the only thing that helps to give him some sort of release from stress. That was the main reason why I told him to go ahead even tho I wasn’t in the mood. Some people are able to put others before themselves, others aren’t. I feel the type that struggle with that should be alone and work on that part of themselves as they shouldn’t be in a relationship. I have had very healthy mature relationships in the past. That had a fair level of give and take. Some people bring out the best in you, others bring out the worst. I feel the last year I have learned this. Also felt like I have went backwards in my own personal growth trying to help him with his depression and be understanding. I know I’m at the point where I’ve had enough. This definitely isn’t the only issue we have had. I just take a lot of ****** when I care for someone.


God, I love your guy. He is a a gift that keeps on giving. 
First he is stressed out when not ****ing, which is wrong on so many levels. As a grown ass man he should have learned to find coping mechanisms other than sticking his penis into someone... 
Then he has depression. 
Yeah, sure. I don't want to be THAT guy to you disrespected, but in 80% to 90% a depression triggers sexual anhedonia and a partial to complete loss of libido. 
But yeah, sure a good **** releases his stress. 

That guy is a effing gold nugget.
Drop him, drop him now. Go back to your family, crawl back if you must. Get into cover, go no contact. Delete everything about him from your live. Move house if possible with no mention to anyone related to him to where. 
Yesterday not tomorrow. 
This guy will suck you dry like the emotional leech he is. Go! Go! Before damage is done that is unfixable. 
And you lose the only precious thing that can't replace. Your lifetime. 
You have one go at it. ONE. 
Make the best of it, and for that you NEED TO LEAVE HIM. 
He makes you miserable. And miserable people tend to do stupid things. And I don't want you to do stupid things. 
I had my share of stupid things people do splattered all over the pavement yesterday.

And the longer you stay the more his **** get's to you. 
You are woth more than that.
You might not jump or other crap in the end, but he will scar you. He already has. 
Why don't you leave, ffs!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

sleeping_sandman said:


> God, I love your guy. He is a a gift that keeps on giving.
> First he is stressed out when not ****ing, which is wrong on so many levels. As a grown ass man he should have learned to find coping mechanisms other than sticking his penis into someone...
> Then he has depression.
> Yeah, sure. I don't want to be THAT guy to you disrespected, but in 80% to 90% a depression triggers sexual anhedonia and a partial to complete loss of libido.
> ...


I believe she already did leave him... she is working on her healing as to not repeat the same cycle with someone else in the future.. starting with herself.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

Works said:


> I believe she already did leave him... she is working on her healing as to not repeat the same cycle with someone else in the future.. starting with herself.


Unfortunately she hasn't on Thursday, as far as I understood her.
But I will stay here and talk her through it if she let's me


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

You both need to learn to communicate better. There are skills and techniques you can learn. 

Why would a person that loves another, nit pick and argue all the time? I have never understood it. Every relationship has issues, but healthy ones tge issues get dealt with. 

Marriage Builders is a good program, Google it.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

sleeping_sandman said:


> Unfortunately she hasn't on Thursday, as far as I understood her.
> But I will stay here and talk her through it if she let's me


I must've missed that part... I'm staying here to help as much as I can also..


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

disrespected said:


> Thank you. The night before the cremation when he was upset about not getting sex I said to him my dad just passed away, why would I be thinking about sex. I also told him that I felt it was very inappropriate the way he was acting about not getting it, that I felt it was insensitive and selfish. A week later and again at 2 weeks later doing the same after the first time I expressed how I felt about it I definitely would think that one would learn the first time and be certain not to act that way again. That is typically how communication is supposed to work. I do get what you are saying tho if it only happened once. I know he isn’t a terrible person, I have always looked at his potential and hoped that he would learn new ways but one can only dream and wish for so long that someone grows.


Sometimes people communicate and sometimes they talk past each other. How they talk or converse can make a huge difference on whether information is exchanged.

Your H may have reached out to you to give you emotional support in the way he would like you to emotionally support him. It is kind of clear that you crushed his offer of emotional support (if that was what it was) by viewing it as him trying to get something from you when you were just barely dealing with all the emotions of your father's death. You certainly let him know that sex with his wife was something you viewed as inappropriate at that time. Are you certain his motivation was not one of support but one of greed and self gratification?

If it was indeed an offer of emotional support and you rejected it again and again and to this day view it as example of how disfunctional he is, you might want to touch base with him to really explore his motivation and his caring.

You have a lot on your plate emotionally with your son and dad. Good luck to you.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Sometimes people communicate and sometimes they talk past each other. How they talk or converse can make a huge difference on whether information is exchanged.
> 
> Your H may have reached out to you to give you emotional support in the way he would like you to emotionally support him. It is kind of clear that you crushed his offer of emotional support (if that was what it was) by viewing it as him trying to get something from you when you were just barely dealing with all the emotions of your father's death. You certainly let him know that sex with his wife was something you viewed as inappropriate at that time. Are you certain his motivation was not one of support but one of greed and self gratification?
> 
> ...


Oh please, 
He lay next to her while rubbing one out and complaining that he get's depressed by not ****ing her. While she is grieving. That is no emotional support. Nowhere close. And this happened more than once. 
And they are not married, as far as I get it.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Agreed! I think he has a very low ability to help others. I do recognize that he tries but he simply doesn’t know how to do it. Is also incapable of empathy.


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