# Am I right to be leaving my marriage?



## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Hi all,

I separated from my husband of 6 years in December 2020. This was following a few months of marriage counselling. A bit of background:

18 months ago I started to voice to my husband a general unhappiness. I felt we were amazing friends more than husband and wife. We would have some amazing times together on holiday or socialising, but there was little other common interests other than that. 
I always felt like I came low down my husband's priority list after (and in this order): Work, his son from a former marriage and football. I was 4th in that list and only prioritised when none of those other 3 required his attention, which to be honest was very limited time.
In addition, I felt I was the 'fixer' of everything. My husband had a difficult relationship with his ex wife and she was very controlling of him. As a result, he developed an aversion to discussing anything with her and would not respond to her messages in a timely manner, so that when he did he had no choice but to accomodate her request. I was constantly trying to help him communicate with her better so that topics needing his attention would not become issues. I felt like I was a fixer in the marriage.
I also had a challenging relationship with his son. He exhibited alot of behaviours that were not acceptable to me, and often my husband would ignore them, again in favour of peace. I described my husband as conflict averse.
I lived away from my family and friends having moved to be with my husband.

In January 2020 I found an online game with a great social community. I started to fill my time with the game and chatting. I guess I realised I was a bit lonely, forever waiting for my husband to be available. This started to generate some arguments in our marriage as suddenly I wasn't available when he wanted. I tried to talk through with him that it wasn't fair for him to expect me to wait to move up his list and that I needed something for me. I tried to involve him in the game and chats, there was nothing to hide and I wanted him to see that also as I could understand a concern with me chatting with internet strangers. The pandemic landed, and with the absence of my husband and I being able to spend time together doing the things we enjoyed together, I found myself spending more time in the game, this increased the frustration he had. It was fine for him to spend time watching movies / TV shows / sports etc on his phone, but it wasn't ok for me to be playing a game on mine while he did.

I celebrated my 40th birthday in June 2020. We were still in lockdown so it was very difficult to 'celebrate' in the way I would have hoped, but there were options available. I knew my husband had to work that day, so I arranged an online day with one of my game friends (female) whom I'd become close with, and some time in the game also. I'd told my husband that I would leave the game when he finished work, so we could spend time together. When that time came, he'd not organised anything, so I ordered us a takeaway. After dinner I asked what he planned, he had no thoughts. So I ended up going back to my game and being sat up on my own with my game friends. My husband voiced that he'd organised for my family to visit for an allowed garden party at the weekend so that was my day to celebrate. That garden party came, and it was my parents who had made all the effort to make that happen, not my husband. Everything organised had been organised by them :-( This left me feeling like my husband could not even make a special effort on my 40th birthday. I was so upset and I talked to him. We decided then we needed counselling.

The counsellor diagnosed my husband with aspergers and explained to me this was the cause of the issues I voice above. My husband refused to agree to that diagnosis, however everything I read suggested to me it was highly likely he was on that spectrum. 

Then, I suddenly became ill. One day, at home, I had a splitting headache. It felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to the back of my head. It floored me. I threw up and needed to be in bed for 2 days. I called the Dr and it was diagnosed as a migraine. My husband knew this had happened, but wasn't asking me how I was after I went back to work. After 2 week's the headache was still there, I was able to function daily, but only with pain relief. I saw the company nurse who found my blood pressure through the roof. I visited my Dr and they took bloods as they wanted to check I'd not had a mini TIA. I was immediately put on blood pressure meds. I came home and as usual was asking my husband about his day. He didn't ask about mine, he didn't ask how I was now - for a whole other week! In this time I had the blood tests which luckily confirmed it wasn't a TIA, but I was also folate anemic. I was scared whilst waiting for the blood test results, and my husband didn't even know. :-( Yes, I could have just told him, but I felt it wasn't too much to expect him to ask me how I am.
At this time, I was now talking to a male friend in the game, he was the one who told me to go to the Dr.

Following this incident, I had another counselling session and I told the counsellor I felt I needed to leave. She asked me a question: If I was diagnosed with something horrible tomorrow, would I feel I was where I needed to be. I had to answer no, I did not trust my husband to look after me. That was a pivotal moment.

So I spoke to my husband and we agreed I would find somewhere else to live, with a short term view of trying to reset out marriage. We agreed that if we wanted to talk, message, see each other, we would. When the day came for me to move out, he wouldn't help me, I asked. He let me move into a 3rd floor apartment on my own with no help :-(

After a few days, I messaged him asking how he was, he was busy at work so I got a message "I'm good, how's you?" I replied "wow!! really??". I left it. I message him again a few days later and tried to initiate a conversation. He wouldn't engage in anything emotional.
I went to see him a month later, and I sat him down and told him how his responses had made me feel, how I felt. I felt it was a good conversation. I said I needed to feel like he wanted this to work. He said he understood. 
As time went on, he would message me asking how I was, but he wouldn't engage in a true emotional conversation with me. I tried many many times. He never once came to visit me. During this time, I was growing closer and closer to the male friend who was also going through a separation. 
After a few months, an opportunity for a promotion happened at work which saw me moving away. I called my husband to discuss it with him, he advised me to take it. So now I felt like he wanted this also, that without voicing it, he was ready for our marriage to be over.

After moving and settling in, this guy I'd started an online relationship with me came to visit. We learned it was more than an online thing. Afterwards, I called my husband to tell him I had met someone and was moving on. He broke down. He told me he thought I was just going to walk back in one day. He begged me to reconsider. I told him I could no longer trust him to be the husband I needed, as he'd done nothing at all in the 6 months since I moved out, he even let me move far away, he'd made no effort to make this work. He's promising me it would be different now, as he sees it, he sees what I need. I told him I can't trust that he does, I have no evidence that it will be different. 

I know he's now hurting so badly. Clearly he had his head in the sand for 6 months :-( I tried talking, I tried showing him a fully open door. I do love him, but I've also fallen in love with this new guy. I'm healthier and happier than I have been for a long time, but I don't take walking away from my marriage lightly. Have I made the right decision not to give him another chance? If I do, is it because I should, or because I now feel guilty for entering a new relationship and because he's hurting so much?

I have missed him in some aspects, but I haven't missed all the challenges I had with his ex wife and son. In my new relationship I am getting alot of love and support and a feeling of partnership that was lacking in my marriage, but it's new, I know this may not always last also. So I feel so conflicted.

If this is truly the end, when would you advise I broach the subject of divorce? 

Thanks for reading.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Broach it now and file for divorce. You shouldn't be seeing another guy while contemplating going back to your marriage....if the marriage isn't working end it and then look elsewhere.

You can't really evaluate how great the new guy is because you're uses to getting nothing from your husband. I know.....I've been there.

My kids father was an abusive drunk and I didn't put myself together before I got involved with my now ex hb. He wasn't openly nasty and seemed like a nice guy.

But he wasn't. He was a nasty, conflict avoidant passive aggressive coward who threw me under the bus to keep peace with his ex and snotty daughter and gaslighted constantly.

Your husband has already shown you who he is. Even if he actually could change what does it say about him that he couldn't be bothered until you left? That's a guy who might do just enough to keep you from leaving....that's it. Hell, even after you left he couldn't be bothered until you said yoi weren't coming back, so why do you keep begging for his scraps?

File for divorce now.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Broach it now and file for divorce. You shouldn't be seeing another guy while contemplating going back to your marriage....if the marriage isn't working end it and then look elsewhere.
> 
> You can't really evaluate how great the new guy is because you're uses to getting nothing from your husband. I know.....I've been there.
> 
> ...


I have ended the marriage, I've told my husband I won't be returning. I've told him why. I guess I'm just feeling guilty over that as he's now hurting. But I told him I did my healing while he sat there thinking I was just going to walk back in the door.

Why am I thinking of giving him another chance? Guilt I guess. He's not a bad person. If the Asperger's thing is true, I feel like I deserted him for something he has no control over. What does that say about the vows I took? But also, why does he deserve my support when I didn't get any in return. I know that.

Would you not advise giving him some time to come to terms with it before filing for divorce? We've no children together, actual divorce should be quick and painless. Am I being too soft and sending the wrong signals by giving him even more time?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Are you having sex with the new guy?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Regardless of the new guy ...... dump your husband and file for divorce. I’m not sure what else he could possibly do to emotionally abandon you. Conflict avoiding passive aggressive “keep quiets” are a black hole. Don’t get sucked in.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

MarmiteC said:


> I guess I'm just feeling guilty over that as he's now hurting.


Just like he was for you when you were there..... yeah right. Who cares if he is an Aspie or an Ass-hat. Not your problem.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Are you having sex with the new guy?


 I have now, yes. For me it's less relevant than the fact I started an emotional relationship with him before I was divorced.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There are things in life that can’t be fixed .... no matter how much you want to fool yourself otherwise.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

At this point what is there to save ? You both have done and performed actions (him shutting down and you opening up to other ) that’s has killed this relationship/marriage, it’s timeto move on...but I will caution you that starting a relationship under these bases will not help build a firm foundation with this man. As others have noted just file and move on and hope your husband gets help.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MarmiteC said:


> I have ended the marriage, I've told my husband I won't be returning. I've told him why. I guess I'm just feeling guilty over that as he's now hurting. But I told him I did my healing while he sat there thinking I was just going to walk back in the door.
> 
> Why am I thinking of giving him another chance? Guilt I guess. He's not a bad person. If the Asperger's thing is true, I feel like I deserted him for something he has no control over. What does that say about the vows I took? But also, why does he deserve my support when I didn't get any in return. I know that.
> 
> Would you not advise giving him some time to come to terms with it before filing for divorce? We've no children together, actual divorce should be quick and painless. Am I being too soft and sending the wrong signals by giving him even more time?


Yeah, my ex was hurting too but he also didn't give a **** when I hurt. At least not enough to deal with any conflict, but I was supposed to be there for him.

Of course he magically sees what you need now that you're gone...convenient. 

Guilt is not a good basis for a marriage.

Rip the band aid off and have him served. All you do by delaying is allow him to hold on to hope you'll come back and tell everyone you're cheating on him.

And technically you are. I understand you've told him the marriage is over but you haven't filed for divorce. Once you do then at least you can say the divorce is in process. People have different opinions about when it's appropriate to see someone else but you should at least have started the legal process.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> I have now, yes. For me it's less relevant than the fact I started an emotional relationship with him before I was divorced.


For many men in particular, it's more relevant than an emotional relationship. Anyway, there's nothing to salvage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> *I have now*, yes. For me it's less relevant than the fact I started an emotional relationship with him before I was divorced.


This is always the inevitable with 'hopefully' serious relationships.
We must consummate our desires, dispel any doubts.

Timing is always important.


Funny thing....

The optics always takes precedence over romance.

What is 'proper' is out of your hands, it is in those who know you, know of you.

We live through 'other's', their eyes.

If you are religious, or spiritual, a Divine, or some multiple (of far sighted) eyes behold every action you take. 

We often do not properly judge our own actions, and most do so with rationality and self forgiving. 

With us, inevitably twisting our actions into a pretzel, 'just so' as not to look crooked, to look unfair to ourselves and others.

If your 'accounting' of your husband was true, you are doing the right thing. 
Yes, your timing is concerning, maybe wrong-headed.

Your' accounting of the facts surrounding these 'online' friends of yours, (I suspect) finds you in deficit.

Not that I care,_ I do not...._

Judging your situation from your words, you gave your husband many chances. 
Based on your telling, he failed.


We are valuable, outside of others opinions. 

May life not over-judge, over-cook you in your marmite pot.
May you not spread any marmite guilt you may have over any innocent bread.

I would be suspect of any man that willing takes to bed a 'still' married woman.
A man who soothes a trouble lady.
A man who caresses your sore feelings.

He may be just fine, but odds are, he was opportunistic (predatory?) in this instance.

Make it so, to live comfortably, living with that person that faces you in life's mirror.

Good luck, and take your time in picking a new mate!




_Are Dee-_


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Regardless of the new guy ...... dump your husband and file for divorce. I’m not sure what else he could possibly do to emotionally abandon you. Conflict avoiding passive aggressive “keep quiets” are a black hole. Don’t get sucked in.


Thanks. I guess I never saw it as emotional abandonment. I kept saying 'it was nothing big', but looking back there was a repeated pattern in ultimately him not being there for me. That's pretty big :-(


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> At this point what is there to save ? You both have done and performed actions (him shutting down and you opening up to other ) that’s has killed this relationship/marriage, it’s timeto move on...but I will caution you that starting a relationship under these bases will not help build a firm foundation with this man. As others have noted just file and move on and hope your husband gets help.


I think this also fuels my guilt and everyone is right. I should not have started a new relationship.

I need to file and move on. Does anyone know if his behaviour is grounds for divorce in the UK under 'unreasonable behaviour'? Otherwise, I guess he should divorce me for adultery now :-(


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> I have now, yes. For me it's less relevant than the fact I started an emotional relationship with him before I was divorced.


It sounds as if you started an emotional relationship with him before you separated and a physical one before you have even begun the divorce process. 
Relationships that begin when one or both are married rarely last. Is the OM still married as well? 
It sounds as if he is on the spectrum so you are expecting him to do things that he probably isn't even capable of.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> I think this also fuels my guilt and everyone is right. I should not have started a new relationship.
> 
> I need to file and move on. Does anyone know if his behaviour is grounds for divorce in the UK under 'unreasonable behaviour'? Otherwise, I guess he should divorce me for adultery now :-(


Yes let him divorce you, adultery is unreasonable behaviour.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In this short life....taking action, it's timing is everything.

We are often damned, if you do the self-thought, right-thing, damned, having self-regret, if you don't.

Look before you leap, lest you end up weeping.
Not leaping leaves you in harms way.

_You have leaped_, now, find good footing.


Divorce comes to roughly 45-50% of marriages.
Why you divorced, what actions you took are soon forgotten to all but the divorced parties.

Others, soon forget, they have their own issues.

Your soon to be ex-husband will grow from this, he must, if he wants a new relationship.
He too, will get a do-over with some new person.

All, is not lost.


_Lilith-_ I am divorced. I left my husband (Butch).


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MarmiteC said:


> I think this also fuels my guilt and everyone is right. I should not have started a new relationship.
> 
> I need to file and move on. Does anyone know if his behaviour is grounds for divorce in the UK under 'unreasonable behaviour'? Otherwise, I guess he should divorce me for adultery now :-(


In accordance with the new Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act, a) couples no longer have to show "proof " when claiming irretrievable breakdown of the marriage as the reason for divorce, b) removes the possibility of contesting the decision to divorce (as a statement will be conclusive evidence that the marriage has irretrievably broken down), and c) the mandatory wait period is reduced to 6 months from the date the divorce is filed.

if you file now, you can be legally be divorced by the end of the year.



MarmiteC said:


> I have ended the marriage, I've told my husband I won't be returning. I've told him why. I guess I'm just feeling guilty over that as he's now hurting. But I told him I did my healing while he sat there thinking I was just going to walk back in the door.
> 
> Why am I thinking of giving him another chance? Guilt I guess. He's not a bad person. If the Asperger's thing is true, I feel like I deserted him for something he has no control over. What does that say about the vows I took? But also, why does he deserve my support when I didn't get any in return. I know that.
> 
> Would you not advise giving him some time to come to terms with it before filing for divorce? We've no children together, actual divorce should be quick and painless. Am I being too soft and sending the wrong signals by giving him even more time?


You need to start seeing a therapist to discuss your feelings and thoughts regarding the divorce. It sounds like you have people pleasing/always take the responsibility/put others first mentality that needs to stop. You're an excellent target for abuse.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds as if you started an emotional relationship with him before you separated and a physical one before you have even begun the divorce process.
> Relationships that begin when one or both are married rarely last. Is the OM still married as well?
> It sounds as if he is on the spectrum so you are expecting him to do things that he probably isn't even capable of.


I think she started the emotional relationship once they were living apart and the physical started once she made her mind up to divorce. 

I do agree that even in a bad marriage you should respect it enough to hold off a new relationship until the marriage is done. I think she is in a gray area here, but in general did it the right way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think she started the emotional relationship once they were living apart and the physical started once she made her mind up to divorce.
> 
> I do agree that even in a bad marriage you should respect it enough to hold off a new relationship until the marriage is done. I think she is in a gray area here, but in general did it the right way.


I think she was at least talking to the OM about personal stuff while still together as she says he suggested she go to the doctor.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

He emotionally neglected you and you committed adultery. You definitely should have divorced first before sleeping with this guy. Also maybe in the future you will not confide in members of the opposite sex with regard to personal issues that affect your marriage ultimately. And yes, maybe the Aspergers should have been looked at more closely in terms of how to cope. Maybe you would have left him anyway, for having Asperger's.

I agree with those that are saying there is nothing to salvage here (on both sides). Yes, he can divorce you for adultery in the UK not that it makes any difference at all to the divorce proceedings and settlement.

Does your the OM know that you might want to salvage your marriage if there is a way to do so? Also are you really in love with this new guy or is he just a rebound or break from what you have been through. If the answer is no, then maybe you should give yourself some time free of all other guys for a bit. If the answer is yes, then it amazes me how someone can fall in love with an on-line gamer they just met. As far as I understand you both agreed on a separation to see if you could reset your marriage. I don't think that is what you really wanted to do and were glad to be out and free. Also, did the OM advise you to leave your husband (a good friend would have advised you to do the right thing - work on your marriage or get divorced first) ? If so, he appears to only be after one thing. How is he as a potential replacement for your husband?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

MarmiteC said:


> I think this also fuels my guilt and everyone is right. I should not have started a new relationship.
> 
> I need to file and move on. Does anyone know if his behaviour is grounds for divorce in the UK under 'unreasonable behaviour'? Otherwise, I guess he should divorce me for adultery now :-(


Try not to get trapped in guilt. You tried to make this marriage work, but he is not capable of giving you emotional fulfillment. Your migraine might have been triggered by the tension in your marriage.I have migraine headache that is mostly hormonal, but I used to have awful episodes with vomiting and ER visits during times of tension in my marriage. His ex-wife might have left for similar reasons, and maybe that's why she became controlling of him; she became aware that he cannot do some things on his own even if asked. His Asperger's is not your responsibility and you are not trained to deal with people who live with this condition. All you can do is advise him to seek counseling. Your well-being should be priority to you. Whether it works out with this new guy or not, meeting him made you see what you have been missing in your marriage. Your husband will recover. Separation takes time to heal. Take care of yourself and start working on making peace with this separation. Good luck!


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think she started the emotional relationship once they were living apart and the physical started once she made her mind up to divorce.
> 
> I do agree that even in a bad marriage you should respect it enough to hold off a new relationship until the marriage is done. I think she is in a gray area here, but in general did it the right way.


She didnt do it "the right way". When she said she joined a great online community and was spending more and more time in "the game", that was just a euphemism for "I was meeting men online". I mean, that IS what was happening. They both checked out. I think I would say with her husband being on the spectrum, "emotional" and "significant" engagement via text is an unreasonable ask. Even I know that he will always come across as cold and uncaring due to his condition but that does not mean he doesnt have feelings.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think she started the emotional relationship once they were living apart and the physical started once she made her mind up to divorce.
> 
> I do agree that even in a bad marriage you should respect it enough to hold off a new relationship until the marriage is done. I think she is in a gray area here, but in general did it the right way.


This is true. I would have and did not have any issue with my husband seeing any messages from this guy prior to separation. 

However I entered to something else too soon. I admit that.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> She didnt do it "the right way". When she said she joined a great online community and was spending more and more time in "the game", that was just a euphemism for "I was meeting men online". I mean, that IS what was happening. They both checked out. I think I would say with her husband being on the spectrum, "emotional" and "significant" engagement via text is an unreasonable ask. Even I know that he will always come across as cold and uncaring due to his condition but that does not mean he doesnt have feelings.


I was meeting women also but I don't have that tendency, so it was not a euphemism - it was loneliness and escapism.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I don't dispute I have not handled this in the best way I could. I agree that's also what fuels some of my guilt. Thanks all for the input but you've helped me clarify that there is nothing left to salvage and that I am not responsible for him.

I will begin the process to file soon.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Lila said:


> In accordance with the new Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act, a) couples no longer have to show "proof " when claiming irretrievable breakdown of the marriage as the reason for divorce, b) removes the possibility of contesting the decision to divorce (as a statement will be conclusive evidence that the marriage has irretrievably broken down), and c) the mandatory wait period is reduced to 6 months from the date the divorce is filed.
> 
> if you file now, you can be legally be divorced by the end of the year.
> 
> ...


Thank you. And yes, I do have that tendency to people please. It's part of the reason none of the issues were addressed with my husband earlier. I accepted it, hoping it would change. I will find a therapist for this. Thanks


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> He emotionally neglected you and you committed adultery. You definitely should have divorced first before sleeping with this guy. Also maybe in the future you will not confide in members of the opposite sex with regard to personal issues that affect your marriage ultimately. And yes, maybe the Aspergers should have been looked at more closely in terms of how to cope. Maybe you would have left him anyway, for having Asperger's.
> 
> I agree with those that are saying there is nothing to salvage here (on both sides). Yes, he can divorce you for adultery in the UK not that it makes any difference at all to the divorce proceedings and settlement.
> 
> Does your the OM know that you might want to salvage your marriage if there is a way to do so? Also are you really in love with this new guy or is he just a rebound or break from what you have been through. If the answer is no, then maybe you should give yourself some time free of all other guys for a bit. If the answer is yes, then it amazes me how someone can fall in love with an on-line gamer they just met. As far as I understand you both agreed on a separation to see if you could reset your marriage. I don't think that is what you really wanted to do and were glad to be out and free. Also, did the OM advise you to leave your husband (a good friend would have advised you to do the right thing - work on your marriage or get divorced first) ? If so, he appears to only be after one thing. How is he as a potential replacement for your husband?


They "fall in love" for the same reason as all other rebounds....it's food and they are starving. Have your wife cut you off sexually for years and the first woman who willingly bangs you is going to be the best thing ever.

The unfulfilled need clouds one's judgement...it's the reason rebounds don't usually work out.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cut off all contact with your H. Do not let this linger. You’ll both move on quicker this way. Plus it will be more merciful for him long term.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I could see where this was headed when she started the online “game”. I don’t believe OP’s timeline. I think the chicken cane before the egg in this case. Old boy she’s banging now that she met online—— emotions regarding him were present before she left. I could be wrong. Either way, best to divorce and do your thing. Nothing else to be done.

I just have my doubts based on how 99% of these stories go—- I’m a saint, I tried everything, then I met this guy I’m banging and btw, I’m not divorced yet.
And seeing how as soon as the online game was mentioned my radar had a huge blip and then bam, affair partner....

OP, you messed up either way and should have divorced before ever talking to another man. Credibility shot in my book.

But yes, divorce.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi OP. Very hard situation for you to deal with. Do you accept your husband is pretty high up on the Asperger scale and live with the behaviours and consequences associated with that illness because you married in “ sickness and in health”? 

Alternatively, do you make the decision to go with a better life where you have a more fulfilled, happier relationship?

Option 1 = self sacrifice but meeting a sense of obligation.

Option 2 = happiness but guilt.

A bit of lose:lose here for you. However, in my opinion, you only have one life and you have the right to be happy and I would put this above any residual guilt you may feel.

Best of luck to you.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I could see where this was headed when she started the online “game”. I don’t believe OP’s timeline. I think the chicken cane before the egg in this case. Old boy she’s banging now that she met online—— emotions regarding him were present before she left. I could be wrong. Either way, best to divorce and do your thing. Nothing else to be done.
> 
> I just have my doubts based on how 99% of these stories go—- I’m a saint, I tried everything, then I met this guy I’m banging and btw, I’m not divorced yet.
> And seeing how as soon as the online game was mentioned my radar had a huge blip and then bam, affair partner....
> ...


Lol, believe what you like. The other person isn't even on the same continent as me. 
I don't dispute the idea of something different was there before I left, but not with this person. 

I don't dispute I should have waited until I was divorced before moving on, but I know I was living on my own, I know I'd told my husband, I know I tried on many occasions first. Did I handle everything perfectly? No. Did my husband? No. 

Your post makes me think I should not have started to live my life while my husband still had his head stuck up his ass. I hope you never come across someone who emotionally blocks you as my husband did me. Aspie or not, fault or not, it's what happened. 

I wanted to leave for me. I was finally standing up for what I needed and my husband couldn't step up. I wanted different for my future. I hoped we could work it out, I tried to work it out imo. My thought of giving him another chance now is because he's hurting and I'm a people pleaser, but I know this is not right for me. He will never be able to naturally give me what I need.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> Hi OP. Very hard situation for you to deal with. Do you accept your husband is pretty high up on the Asperger scale and live with the behaviours and consequences associated with that illness because you married in “ sickness and in health”?
> 
> Alternatively, do you make the decision to go with a better life where you have a more fulfilled, happier relationship?
> 
> ...


Thank you. You summarised my dilemma completely. I described it as a parent/child relationship. Perhaps I could have learned coping strategies, but he refused to be seen for the diagnosis of Aspie. And I didn't marry to be a parent. I married to be a partner.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MarmiteC said:


> Lol, believe what you like. The other person isn't even on the same continent as me. matters not, emotional affair is just as damaging to the marriage.
> I don't dispute the idea of something different was there before I left, but not with this person. so you were having an emotional affair with a diff person, whichever. Still wrong.
> 
> I don't dispute I should have waited until I was divorced before moving on, but I know I was living on my own, I know I'd told my husband, I know I tried on many occasions first.  Nothing to feel guilty about then. Did I handle everything perfectly? No. Did my husband? No.
> ...


You’re the only one that knows the truth .
All I’m saying is it sounds like you got involved in some Emotional affairs before you made it clear you were divorcing your husband, and that “ain’t fair”.

The end message I have is the same. Divorce him. You are doing him no favors entertaining the idea and giving him o e shred of hope. Hope is a killer in this situation.
I agree with you that him telling you this or that when you’ve already left and wanting you back...... senseless. 

There’s nothing you can do to prevent his pain. Even staying married to him would just delay the inevitable.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’re the only one that knows the truth .
> All I’m saying is it sounds like you got involved in some Emotional affairs before you made it clear you were divorcing your husband, and that “ain’t fair”.
> 
> The end message I have is the same. Divorce him. You are doing him no favors entertaining the idea and giving him o e shred of hope. Hope is a killer in this situation.
> ...


I'm struggling with your responses as you seem to make assumptions. I was not having an emotional affair with anyone prior to leaving. It was the idea of different. I may not have worded it right, but you could ask 🙃

Either way, yes, I didn't stay true to my vows whilst married. But neither did he. In sickness and in health... 

I have told him there is no going back. Communication was cut after this. I didn't leave hope. It doesn't mean I haven't questioned if that was right and that was the whole premise of my post.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey @MarmiteC, your marriage sounds an awful lot like my former marriage, and your husband is similar to mine in way that he didn't truly work on our marriage with me until I told him I wanted to separate. Then and only then was he willing to take things seriously and put the work in. Not at any point in the 4 years prior though. That told me that he didn't actually value me or the marriage, he just valued what it stood for and didn't want to lose that. If he had wanted it to work, He'd have made an effort all along, not just at the end. Same goes for your husband. He makes zero effort, and suddenly when you get back on your feet and are feeling great and happy and ready to move on, he suddenly jumps up and does the "pick-me" dance. If I were you, I wouldn't buy it.

A lot of people here will tell you that you're cheating on your husband because you're dating someone else and are not divorced. Personally, I think differently. If a marriage isn't working, and the couple is separated and those loving feelings haven't been there for quite some time, I feel like a person is simply moving on. If I were you though, I would probably file for divorce before things go much further with your SO.

This new man makes you feel wanted and happy, and to me, that's something worth hanging onto.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MarmiteC said:


> Lol, believe what you like. *The other person isn't even on the same continent as me*.
> I don't dispute the idea of something different was there before I left, but not with this person.
> 
> I don't dispute I should have waited until I was divorced before moving on, but I know I was living on my own, I know I'd told my husband, I know I tried on many occasions first. Did I handle everything perfectly? No. Did my husband? No.
> ...


How did you have sex with him if he is in another continent?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Do you have friends in real life?

We have a picture here of your husband who is Aspie this, abandoner that, pushed you into this…

But then I see an adult woman who plays online games and then meets a man from an online game and leaves her husband for him.

Yes, I judge adults who meet people on games and hook up and then label their partners with labels.

Hurry and and divorce that painfully real annoyingly real husband!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> How did you have sex with him if he is in another continent?


After no attention from her husband she start playing and chatting in a game June 2020.
6 months later she had a medical event and her husband didn't even notice, she was told by a male friend online to go to the doctor.
Shortly after she moved out into her own place, separating from her husband. At that point her chatting online went from friendly to romantic
The male game friend from another continent came to visit, presumably that is when the sex happened. 


Sounds like divorce should happen sooner than later, the marriage is over.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> After no attention from her husband she start playing and chatting in a game June 2020.
> 6 months later she had a medical event and her husband didn't even notice, she was told by a male friend online to go to the doctor.
> Shortly after she moved out into her own place, separating from her husband. At that point her chatting online went from friendly to romantic
> The male game friend from another continent came to visit, presumably that is when the sex happened.
> ...


Almost correct:
Started playing the game in Sept 19
Jan 20 I voiced to my husband I was lonely and unhappy
June 20 began marriage counselling
Oct 20 became unwell
Nov 20 told my husband I wanted to separate, to see if distance made us miss each other.
Dec 20 moved out on my own. Left him and his son in our 4 bedroom house while I moved into a one bed apartment on my own, no help despite me asking
Dec 20 - Feb 21 was trying to talk to my husband. I was telling him what I needed to see. At no point did he try to visit me or call me. It was all me engaging with him. Concluded with me telling him the marriage was over.
From Jan 21 the friendship turned more romantic - overlap in timeline here with me trying to solve it with my husband
March 21 - Offered a promotion far away - discussed with my husband, he told me I should take it.
May 21, Moved for new job. Late May the other guy came to visit me. I told my husband I was moving on
June 21 - Husband wakes up and asks me to go back. 

Looking back, there were more events between 2018 - 2020 before I even voiced I was unhappy. 2018 my grandmother passed, I asked my husband to arrange childcare for his son for the funeral - I ended up having to solve it otherwise I would have been attending alone. 2019 a close cousin's wedding: despite us being given 12 months notice, and it was a child free wedding, he wouldn't arrange childcare. I attended alone. 
Other medical events my husband was not supportive with me. One involving female issues, at that time my husband was just complaining it affected our intimacy, I ended up talking to my Dad about it who advised me to visit the Dr. I did, and further scans, alone. In late 2019 my Mum was suddenly taken ill, I told my husband that if she wasn't out of hospital at the weekend, I wanted to visit (they live far away). His first response: "but the Rugby is on Saturday" - He doesn't even follow the rugby.
All through this I was supporting my husband with unhappiness and anxiety about work, helping him with his son, helping him communicate better with his ex wife. Date nights became me giving him solutions to his problems, either work or personal. I began to resent that when I didn't feel I got support from him in return.

So why did I start playing the game? Actually for free in game credit in another game, but without a social platform. I stayed because suddenly there were people to chat to on a regular basis. After a few months, I identified that's why and told my husband.

I don't know why I felt compelled to clarify and justify all that, as I think we've all concluded there is nothing left to salvage of my marriage and my only reason for considering doing so is out of guilt, which is no basis for a marriage but thank you for your input and comments


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If you don't love him, just leave him, whatever he says. And don't pay any attention to the stupid "timeline". Who cares. You've been neglected and started your relationship maybe a bit too soon, but the result is the same. Don't listen to people here who say you cheated. Enjoy your life.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You know what op, **** him and whatever the **** is wrong with him. 
There’s too many people playing devils advocate on this thread when in reality nobody should have to put up with the crap that you have. 
You said that you’re not perfect but you’re a hell of a lot closer to it than that asshole who you married. 
Live your life however you want to from here on in and don’t let anyone tell you different.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A gamer who gets down with guys she meets in games from foreign countries?
That won’t turn out well.
Overlap with romantic gamer friend and trying to fix things with her husband.
These things are what bother me.

she left and he didn’t put up much of a fuss. It’s just a done deal. They weren’t a good match at all. Your last paragraph is correct OP.
Good luck.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

There could be different viewpoints on this situation - one line of thinking might be to do with "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" and if this was the case, then yes, the vows you took made you responsible for him too. The other line of thinking might be why sacrifice your happiness for an Aspie in which case, yes you should put yourself first and be damned with him. In any case, you are out of the marriage now and full steam ahead with divorce - I would make it as quick and painless as possible and hopefully he (like you) will also heal and move on and maybe find someone more suited to being with him.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> There could be different viewpoints on this situation - one line of thinking might be to do with "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" and if this was the case, then yes, the vows you took made you responsible for him too. The other line of thinking might be why sacrifice your happiness for an Aspie in which case, yes you should put yourself first and be damned with him. In any case, you are out of the marriage now and full steam ahead with divorce - I would make it as quick and painless as possible and hopefully he (like you) will also heal and move on and maybe find someone more suited to being with him.


Those vows also made him responsible for me too. It's not like he's completely incapable. He's high functioning and has a good job. He made the decision to split from his ex wife, so he has capacity to make decisions for himself when it's important to him. 
Neither of us were perfect and I'll probably always wonder if I should have tried more. But it's time to put me first where he couldn't.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Just like he was for you when you were there..... yeah right. Who cares if he is an Aspie or an Ass-hat. Not your problem.


You are correct, not her problem.

But a little compassion for someone with a disorder isn't out of the question.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> I'm struggling with your responses as you seem to make assumptions. I was not having an emotional affair with anyone prior to leaving. It was the idea of different. I may not have worded it right, but you could ask 🙃


In your new thread you stated that you did start an emotional affair with someone online, and that he came to visit you, and THEN you told your husband you met someone and are moving on.

So which version of the truth are we going to get here?


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