# Need Help Copeing w/ stepchild



## SynB (Jan 18, 2008)

My husband and I have been together for 4 yrs. We recently got married and I have been really haveing a hard time w/my stepson. His father kind of lets him get away with alot of things that I dont think he should. It is really putting a strain on our relationship. I dont want the stepchild to get out of control and not be worth anything but trouble. But I am to the point of backing off and saying forget it. I just dont want to lose my husband. The hardest part is that my stepchild is 16 and I dont want my kids ages 13, 12 and 10 to take on his habbits and dissrespect. PLEASE HELP ME!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well kids that age do rebel.

Keep in mind your husband has taken on 3 step children.

It is important to know if his 16 year old son lives with you or just visits?

draconis


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

I had the same problem with my husband's son, age 16 at the time IIRC. Because of Katrina, his home down in port sulphur was destroyed. We all agreed (husband, mother and I) that it would be best he stayed with us until further notice. 

He was so rude and disrespectful towards me. He would keep his room a mess, leave his trash everywhere, oh he even didnt say hi back to me when i would say hi to him. he didnt acknowledge that i even existed. Now i know he could have harbored some feelings towards me, thats fine but i will be damned if he is disrespectful. that i will not tolerate. His dad and i had a very long talk about him, and we both agreed that he should do simple things like clean up after himself, etcetc. He had a hard time dealing with that. But it worked it self out in the end. He turned 18 and moved out. right before he turned 18, he went and lived with his mother. as she had rebuilded. He didnt like our house rules much. we made sure he understood that it wasnt set for him, that the rules were for everyone.


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## emate1209 (Jan 17, 2008)

Hi SynB,

I have not been your situation but I have read that it is very important that you and your hubby show solidarity when it comes to discipline with the kids. If your husband is not playing the part then his son is is going to continue to use the "divide and conquer" game.

Try and ask your husband to show some solidarity and see if that makes a difference?

All the best.

Cheers


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

I agree, talk with your husband and set some bounderies together. Find out your husbands expectations and see if they coincide with your own. Work together and Im sure it will be a happier family.


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## A Good Husband (Jan 1, 2008)

I grew up with a step parent that I absolutely detested. I always felt like I couldn't talk to my mother about him. Your step son may be harboring ill feelings toward you personally (unlikely), or he may just resent the fact that you are there instead of his birth mother.

Was any of this worked out before marriage? Too late now. That's okay. I think you and your husband should sit down and talk about it and come to some sort of agreement that you can both get behind on house rules and how everyone treats each other. His father (your husband) and mother raised him differently than you would raise your children, so there's going to be adjustments made.

It's very important that you don't try to take his place as his new mother. You're not his mother and while he may come to love and respect you at some point, he shouldn't be forced to right this second.

After you and your husband have your discussion, you should have another one with your son. If he's 16, he's going to want to be treated like an adult, so have a frank discussion with him and let him know the rules, then ask him how he feels about it. Ask him whether they're unfair and how he would change them. Ask him if he has a personal problem with you. Ask him what the consequences should be for breaking rules and let him know that those consequences can and will be enforced by both you and your husband. 

Then have the same discussion again with all the kids in the house together.

That's what I wish would have happened with my family growing up. It would have saved a lot of heartache.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I would agree that you need to both be on the same page. I have seen where relationships end because the actual parent of the child will not let the person that he or she married have any say or discipline the child because they are not the so called real parent. That to me is so wrong.


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

Whenever I have observed this dynamic in the living situation of a friend or loved one, it always appears as though that "divide and conquer" mindset is the poison that proves fatal. As stated above, it is profoundly important that both parents agree not only to the rules, but also to the consequences to be doled out if the rules are broken.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

It can be so complicated when it comes to parenting and blended families - especially when the parents have different ways of doing things. Is there any way you two can come a little closer to each other's "ways" with compromise? It can be really confusing for kids to get mixed messages. Are there any reasons the 16 year old is acting out? So much shows up in behavior - but it can be really tricky to decipher it sometimes. Good luck!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It is exytremely difficult when the children don't live with you because you feel you have to make up time with them or you only have a day a week with them. Just something to keep in mind.

draconis


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## Liza (Jan 2, 2008)

The first thing that came to mind I am going to suggest.That is trying to love the child unconditionally. Try just for a month to downplay his bad attitudes and negative action. If necessary speak to your other children so they will know what is going on when they see certain actions. Emphasize all the good things he does, no matter how small.


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