# Husband And Female Friend



## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

Good Afternoon Lovelies,

My Husband and I have known each other since before I got my menstrual cycle (lol) and we reconnected in our adult (mid-twenties). It was immediately known we were meant to be, etc, all the good news and love. Now we are married and nothing has really caused to much of a rift for the exception him and his female friend. Nothing has gone too far, but in my explanation this is how it goes.

I have been open to him having a female friend, and I allowed her to come to our house for a small BBQ (Him, I, her and her son). And all was fine, but she then brought up a conversation by saying, "Is it true men jack off in jail?" (he spent a little time in jail, and her brother is currently incarcerated). Which too me is disrespectful, so I let them both know, conversations concerning sexual relations is inappropriate with my husband. So immediately I did not like the level of comfortability she had, they had in conversation. She left that night and I went to bathe and fell asleep. The next morning my Husband says that they were outside talking until 7am. I had to explain to him that sometimes it's time to cut things short out of respect for our Marriage. Another time, she told him, "I know you cannot come over alone, so do you guys want to come over for football sunday?" and then asked me. And the same situation occured once again that I mentioned above, that same night. And it has become a compilation of small events that have continuously occured that I am left feeling "No" about. Not to mention at our reception she was tracing his tattoos with her finger until her Mom yelled at her to stop. Yes he addressed the situation and apologized to me, but it's so stupid that he did not recognize what everyone seen. 

But I like the woman, and I am just confused, because she has told him I do not like her, and he says I do not like her, but I am more aggravated at the fact they would rather settle to the fact I do not like her, then to understand my slighted feeling about their relationship. It's easier for them to just say I do not like her then to understand my quam. And if she feels this way, why does she feel it okay to still contact my Husband? And yes I did tell my husband this and he just stayed quiet. 

One of the good things about my husband is he understands me when I say "tone it down", which he has, but he does not understand my reasoning. He just listens (which is nice, lol).
They have both felt it necessary to verbalize to me nothing sexual has occured with them, but to me I do not care. He is a married man now and as I told him, his relationship with her needs to tone down. Because there is absolutely nothing that can benefit from their relationship then an affair. Her being once married and divorced, now a single mother should understand this without it even have came to this.

Beyond anything else, she has not made any direction to befriend me. And I have not either, but I did not find it necessary to be trying to make her be my friend. It's evident to me she is only interested in his friendship and not mines, which will not be possible as time passes. He always ask me to text her and call her, etc but it just seems stupid to me. I am strong woman and know what I want and do not want in a marriage, and relations with opposite sex, is not what I want. I have filtered my male friends to speak to my Husband before me, and this is how has been and now they hang out like they have known each other for years. Otherwise, I am exhausted. Just looking for understanding from other reasonably married people with logic. 

Peace and blessing with lot's of Love.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She is not a friend of your marriage.

This book would be most helpful

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Methinks they doth protest too much. I'd be investigating whether your husband is hiding anything from you about their relationship. 

Your husband seems to say all the right things, but his actions indicate that he doesn't really take you seriously when you say he has to stop this nonsense with her.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

MrsPotter said:


> Good Afternoon Lovelies


I had to respond, seeing as how you were addressing me directly.




MrsPotter said:


> And all was fine, but she then brought up a conversation by saying, "Is it true men jack off in jail?" (he spent a little time in jail, and her brother is currently incarcerated).
> 
> The next morning my Husband says that they were outside talking until 7am.
> 
> ...


If it was some man saying and doing any of the above to my wife, I'd hit the roof. And possibly him.

You and your husband need to have a talk on what the boundaries should be in your marriage. They seem to be a little loose in your husband's case.

And yes, she is a threat to your marriage.


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## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

Thank You GTDAD,

I will definitely be picking that book up soon. 

And I have went through a thorough investigation, or I would have already left. As one of the rules of our relationship is, "No being friends or contact with people we have been intimate with."

Otherwise, we do need to have a serious conversation. To be honest with you, I have grown tired of addressing it on my part, that I have taken it to the church, mentally.

I feel since I am 5 months pregnant and certain communications and situations need to be addressed and dead, and I cannot make them concrete within us. I will seek our Pastor for Pre-Baby-Marriage Counseling, lol, but seriously. And I need all this neutralized before our Child is born. 


Thank You for your wisdom GTDAD.

And you said I was speaking to you directly....you must have had the similar situation?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

MrsPotter said:


> And you said I was speaking to you directly....you must have had the similar situation?


"lovelies". I thought to myself, "damn, how did she know?"


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Most people on TAM hate the idea of spouses having opposite sex friends, but I don't see anything wrong with it. And depending on the circumstances, I wouldn't have a problem with a male friend doing any of those things with my wife.

But yes, she can be a threat. Yes, maybe she could wreck your marriage. But you know what? If you have to build a fence between him and any other woman to keep your marriage together, then maybe he isn't really committed to you to begin with. 

And by the way, same sex friends can do the same things. I've brought up this point before, but no one has been able to address it. If spouses can't have opposite sex friends, then what if your spouse is bisexual? She then can't have any friends at all?


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Most people on TAM hate the idea of spouses having opposite sex friends, but I don't see anything wrong with it. And depending on the circumstances, I wouldn't have a problem with a male friend doing any of those things with my wife.
> 
> But yes, she can be a threat. Yes, maybe she could wreck your marriage. But you know what? If you have to build a fence between him and any other woman to keep your marriage together, then maybe he isn't really committed to you to begin with.
> 
> And by the way, same sex friends can do the same things. I've brought up this point before, but no one has been able to address it. If spouses can't have opposite sex friends, then what if your spouse is bisexual? She then can't have any friends at all?


This woman isn't acting like a friend. She is acting like someone who wants to separate your husband from you regardless of your feelings or the consequences to his marriage let alone yours. That is not a true friend of HIS, either!

In other threads I have revealed similar issues with my marriage and it is very enlightening to see someone else's version of the same thing. So I feel confident in saying: Run, Toto, Run. This woman is not a friend of your MARRIAGE. And that makes all the difference in the world. 

Which I think addresses the question about bisexual friends. You have to be absolutely sure that each person has befriended the marriage itself. IS SHE A FRIEND OF THE MARRIAGE? That is the question. And anyone who "traces the H's tattoos" at his own wedding is making it pretty obvious that marital boundaries are not very important to her. Put your foot down before it's too late. (Try reversing the roles. How about some guy tracing his finger along your body parts, huh?? Now how does H feel?)

THanks for shining a light on my own situation. You have reminded me that I have to be a strong defender of my own marriage and I do not have to second-guess myself when I know it's time to speak up! You don't either.

More power to you my dear!! Don't ever be ashamed to defend your marriage. It's your right!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its time to play hard ass, tell him its either you or her...pick. Be ready to walk.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think you're overreacting. This is trouble. Single lady w/ kid finds reasons to put hands on your husband, engages in wildly inappropriate sexual talk with him, chats with him all night, hint (badly) that she wants him to come over to her place...alone. Don't know what's happening between your husband's ears. Probably doesn't mind a little flirty attention. He may look like quite a prize to a single mom, who may be struggling. For whatever reason, boundaries don't merely encircle the genitalia and real trespasses can be made that don't involve any sort of intercourse. All adultery begins in the mind, usually quite a while before it gets horizontal. If tables were turned and you were engaged in the same conversations, staying up all night talking with a male friend and tracing his tattoos, would your husband be cool with it? Probably not. If he wouldn't like you doing it, listening to it, saying it, he doesn't do it to you. That's the way this works. Direct approach would be to tell your husband to knock it off and chick can't come over anymore. Subtle approach would be to find some other guy (doesn't have to be particularly nice or even single) and get the hound on that guy's trail and off your husband's. After she's safely out of the picture, you can explain the way the world works to your husband.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Time to do some snooping. Get a VAR and put it in his car.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Most people on TAM hate the idea of spouses having opposite sex friends, but I don't see anything wrong with it. And depending on the circumstances, I wouldn't have a problem with a male friend doing any of those things with my wife.
> 
> But yes, she can be a threat. Yes, maybe she could wreck your marriage. But you know what? *If you have to build a fence between him and any other woman to keep your marriage together, then maybe he isn't really committed to you to begin with. * Some people don't understand the affect of their behaviors on other people. At the same time, having expectations of how your partner will interact with the opposite sex will at least be an early warning signal that your partner doesn't care about your feelings or the relationship.
> 
> *And by the way, same sex friends can do the same things. * I agree but only to a point. Male female friendships are not 100% interchangeable with same sex friendships. You can't take a trip with your opposite sex friend and expect your partner to be cool with that. And you also can't expect to pay for your female friends and then expect your girlfriend to go dutch treat with you. I've brought up this point before, but no one has been able to address it.* If spouses can't have opposite sex friends, then what if your spouse is bisexual? She then can't have any friends at all?* I've asked that question myself. We will have to wait until someone from the LBGT community comes on here and give us the benefit of their wisdom. Meanwhile, I have always said that I would never knowingly date a bisexual.... they're fine as friends.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

*Re: Re: Husband And Female Friend*



MrsPotter said:


> Good Afternoon Lovelies,
> 
> My Husband and I have known each other since before I got my menstrual cycle (lol) and we reconnected in our adult (mid-twenties). It was immediately known we were meant to be, etc, all the good news and love. Now we are married and nothing has really caused to much of a rift for the exception him and his female friend. Nothing has gone too far, but in my explanation this is how it goes.
> 
> ...


Please be careful with how far you let this relationship go. This can easily become an emotional affair. Once that happens things could keep going from there. Not sure if you know about that but I suggest you check out some forums on this site regarding that subject. Go luck I hope things go well.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I do not have a problem with married people having opposite sex friends as long as it is with the knowledge and consent of their partner.

My wife and I got on really well with the couple next door but one. We have kids of similar ages (there oldest our younger three) at the same schools would go to each other’s houses for a coffee whilst the kids play together and have shared many an evening drinking a few beers or glasses of wine after a BBQ (not that the weather here is often conducive to outdoor entertaining). I get on better with the wife than the husband (we both liken sports / cars) and my wife gets on better with the husband (they like the same music / art). Evenings often stretch out with all the little kids carried to their beds the bigger kids doing their own thing and the four of us sitting in our garden with our respective baby monitors on so that we could listen out for the kids. On many a night my wife has gone inside once the temperature dropped and gone up to bed along with our older kids, the neighbors husband would head of home if he had an early start. I and the neighbor would sit out chatting about anything that came to mind and by the time we said good night it was often the early hours. We all know that this is nothing more than a friendship and are happy for it to stay that way.

OP,
Problems will only occur if people are not honest about what they are doing and / or what they expect from a friendship. If you / your husband / this OW are all open and honest then there is nothing to fear. If you / he /she is hiding and ulterior motive then it will lead to trouble if you do not catch it soon.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

MrsPotter said:


> Good Afternoon Lovelies,
> 
> My Husband and I have known each other since before I got my menstrual cycle (lol) and we reconnected in our adult (mid-twenties). It was immediately known we were meant to be, etc, all the good news and love. Now we are married and nothing has really caused to much of a rift for the exception him and his female friend. Nothing has gone too far, but in my explanation this is how it goes.
> 
> ...


You will get lots of advice from others but what struck me is her "victim mentality" saying you don't like her w/o you giving her any good reason to say that.

This allows her to play good cop/bad cop with you being the bad cop setting appropriate boundaries within your marriage. I'm worried that your husband could start to see you in that light in regards to this friendship.


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## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

It's seriously an aggravating situation. In my heart, I am at peace, but when it surfaces, it's like, "go away!". But you all are correct, and I do follow it like a micro-manager. I am blessed to have a husband who listens to me, although like my smart friend above mentioned, slowly seperate them. Which is what seems to be going on. 

This weekend, she invited him to a party to link with all his female friends, while I was at work. I was so done with the stress of "What is he doing to do? The right thing or wrong thing?" Well too my peace he came to my job and relaxed with me. Later on that night, she asked him to meet them at the club they were all going too, and he told her, I am 5 months pregnant and that's not cool. And this woman replied back, "I did not know she was going." I was like well all my TAM friends just had me on the right sight. I told him what kind of woman would she think you would go to the club alone with single women and a club!??!!?! He understood. 

But you lovelies are really helping me aide through this without really going off the deep end on both of them. Helping me course thought it like the soon-to-be lawyer I will be after graduation. 

Lot's of peace and let's keep in touch. 

Love.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Emerald said:


> You will get lots of advice from others but what struck me is her "victim mentality" saying you don't like her w/o you giving her any good reason to say that.
> 
> This allows her to play good cop/bad cop with you being the bad cop setting appropriate boundaries within your marriage. I'm worried that your husband could start to see you in that light in regards to this friendship.


:iagree:
This is brilliant.

And again, not to hijack MrsPotter's thread, but it shines a light on my similar situation, so I can speak to how this happens and how wrong it feels. Sticking to normal boundaries should NOT make you a bad guy in any way! (It also suggests a parent/child relationship instead of a husband/wife dynamic of equal respect. You are not his mom.)

THanks Emerald for putting it this way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She has really poor boundaries. And so does your husband.

The reason these little incidents keep happening is because he has not drawn a line. 

I seriously doubt he would be happy if you spent ALL NIGHT til 7 a.m. talking with some dude; if that same dude invited you over to his house without your husband; if that same dude was saying your husband does not like him; and if that same dude was 'tracing' things on your body at your wedding, to the point where someone had to tell him it was inappropriate. 

You guys need to talk.

I dont think opposite sex friendships are bad per se, but when 1 spouse voices a concern about it (and it's not something they do often) and the other dismisses them and the situation continues, that is when it becomes a problem.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Perfectly stated!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

You go to bed, they talk outside untill the sun rises.

When you complain he keeps silent.

They have an emotional affair.

YOU are the outside person here.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Your husband's "friend" sounds a lot like a "friend" I had once, and she almost ruined our marriage. She has all the signs -- injecting sex into the conversation, saying things that subtly undermine your relationship when she's alone with him, etc. In theory, it would be great if married people could have friends of the opposite sex, but the reality is this rarely works unless the person is SO unattractive that attraction is impossible (and I have been wrong about this before -- sometimes the right kind of admiring attention is all it takes to make a woman seem interesting to a man). 

The good news I want to give you though is that (1) no, this doesn't necessarily mean he's physically cheating on you (I never did, even though the relationship dragged on for a year and I had the opportunity more than once), and (2) if your marriage has strength in it, this is fixable. You probably need to start by telling him how it makes you feel in a non-accusatory way. This may or may not work. If it doesn't, you may eventually have to take a firmer approach. But it's possible that he'll figure things out and end it himself (which is ultimately what has to happen -- he has to stop seeing this woman). That's what I did -- I finally woke up to the fact that this woman really wanted to separate me from my wife, and that I didn't want that, and I told my wife that I was going to stop seeing her, and we healed over time.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Your husband's "friend" sounds a lot like a "friend" I had once, and she almost ruined our marriage. *She has all the signs -- injecting sex into the conversation, saying things that subtly undermine your relationship when she's alone with him, etc.* In theory, it would be great if married people could have friends of the opposite sex, but the reality is this rarely works unless the person is SO unattractive that attraction is impossible (and I have been wrong about this before -- sometimes the right kind of admiring attention is all it takes to make a woman seem interesting to a man).
> 
> .


What undermining things would your "friend" say?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> What undermining things would your "friend" say?


It's hard to remember specific quotes. She would just say very subtly negative things about my wife while at the same time trying to sound sympathetic and reasonable. And if my wife didn't like us hanging out she would try to insinuate that that meant my wife was unreasonably jealous or controlling. In fact, it later became obvious that this woman wanted me to leave my wife for her, and that my wife had every reason to be jealous and was not being controlling.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Theseus said:


> And by the way, same sex friends can do the same things. I've brought up this point before, but no one has been able to address it. If spouses can't have opposite sex friends, then what if your spouse is bisexual? She then can't have any friends at all?


Same thing. They have to be friends of the partnership/relationship and in no way romantically interested in either person. If a friend starts to get ideas, he/she needs to be ditched pronto. Also, if a friend seems averse to having the other person in the partnership around or hanging out, it's a problem (because it may be an indication of too much interest on the friend's part).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

John Lee said:


> It's hard to remember specific quotes. *She would just say very subtly negative things about my wife while at the same time trying to sound sympathetic and reasonable.* And if my wife didn't like us hanging out she would try to insinuate that that meant my wife was unreasonably jealous or controlling. In fact, it later became obvious that this woman wanted me to leave my wife for her, and that my wife had every reason to be jealous and was not being controlling.


I have noticed that when you say "friend advised me to....." the general assumption is that the friend is giving impartial advice to the best of their ability....... It's amazing how often people, even friends and family members give advice because either they feel they have a stake in the specific situation or a stake in the principles of the matter...... which would explain why many people in the abstract support opposite sex friends. (I suspect some women are wondering where they are going to get their next free meal.)

I was on another message aboard where opposite sex friends was being discussed. I mentioned that one problem to expect is that the OSF will most likely advise you on whom to date. One poster (who identifies himself as late 40s, single never married and not too interested in finding a life partner) asked what's wrong with giving a friend advice....... as if that advice from that source must necessarily be impartial and selflessly meant.


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## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

John Lee,

You really settled my heart, thank you. 

Oddly enough, I never thought I would be here, and I am, he stopped. It is kind of funny because I literally hit that point where I was so infuriarated from within which led me to just throwing my hands up and tell him, "You seem to want to keep living this life and having this kind of marriage which you and I are not on the same page about. She takes presedence over my feelings, so go and live like you want. Just know that life you are desiring to live, does not have room for me as you Wife." I left home alone, and left him at his Mother's house for the night. The next morning he came to me with this surprisingly changed mentality on his friendship. 

But John Lee I still had to make sure he understood so I requested a private session with our Pastor who married us, which my husband brought up the situation, and The Pastor (another man) explained to him how it was inappropriate, and my feelings were far more important then a friendship. It was a reliever. 

And our relationship has seem to reach a much more peaceful note. 

She will be at our Baby shower, although I sometimes wonder why does she even both coming to events....lol, but I got what I had been asking for so I will just be happy with that.

Thank you John Lee.

Speak with Love and live in Peace.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MrsP, 

You talk now like it's becoming a fairy tale....

The facts you gave are not. So maybe you are rugsweeping, to create a perfect dream you would like to live in. Are you?


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## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

See_Listen_Love

Definitely not a fairy tale. Just keeping a close watch. I am just glad that he finally came to terms with what kind of problems it was causing between him and I. But I can say, at one point it felt like a fairy tale for him to have let it go...lol. But a perfect dream would be boring or even monotonous.

Thanks for asking.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

How was the weekend MrsP?


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## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

See_Listen_Love,

My weekend was good. Work, but all my employees were in a good mood, and relaxation. Decided to BBQ today, no pork, and it was good. No complaints.

And yours?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Your husband's "friend" sounds a lot like a "friend" I had once, and she almost ruined our marriage. She has all the signs -- injecting sex into the conversation, saying things that subtly undermine your relationship when she's alone with him, etc. * In theory, it would be great if married people could have friends of the opposite sex, but the reality is this rarely works unless the person is SO unattractive that attraction is impossible (and I have been wrong about this before -- sometimes the right kind of admiring attention is all it takes to make a woman seem interesting to a man). *
> 
> The good news I want to give you though is that (1) no, this doesn't necessarily mean he's physically cheating on you (I never did, even though the relationship dragged on for a year and I had the opportunity more than once), and (2) if your marriage has strength in it, this is fixable. You probably need to start by telling him how it makes you feel in a non-accusatory way. This may or may not work. If it doesn't, you may eventually have to take a firmer approach. But it's possible that he'll figure things out and end it himself (which is ultimately what has to happen -- he has to stop seeing this woman). That's what I did -- I finally woke up to the fact that this woman really wanted to separate me from my wife, and that I didn't want that, and I told my wife that I was going to stop seeing her, and we healed over time.


Guess again...... my fiance's ex EA was not even by his standards physically attractive. I say by his standards but I believe that beauty is on the eye of the beholder. If he had said that she was attractive, then she would be attractive.

I never met her but I have photos of her..... lots of them online (as 20 somethings do these days.) she is big /fat. She describes herself as 50 pounds overweight. Some photos can catch a pretty smile. And some don't catch much.

But my fiance has said in separate conversations, like when talking about celebrities, that attitude can make a woman very attractive / sexy.

so I never go by my own judgement of how attractive another woman might be to men or to one man.


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## swtluna (Mar 8, 2013)

She is a threat to your marriage..She dont care that he is your husband.. 
I had a neighbor that lived across the street.. I knew immediately by listening to my intuition that she liked my husband..she would wait for him to pull in the driveway when he got home from work..and meet him there and have a conversation.. She would call him all the time.. If my kids and her child had a fight..she would call him after I had handled the situation.. She moved..and I thought ok..its the end..however I found out later that they were conversing regularly.. That ended my marriage.. I filed for divorce.. I asked her numerous times to leave my family alone.. she didnt comply..would only say she is not dating him nor has she ever dated him.... after a long while we reconciled right before we went to court.. he stopped the divorce first..took me awhile..one of the stipulations was he was to have no contact with her whatsoever.. he agreed.. My 4th son was in the hospital having a serious surgery for a birth defect at 5mos old..she went and contacted my daughter and started **** with me while I was sitting next to my sons bed..Girls like that dont care..she is a threat to your marriage..cut her out of your life.. tell your H to cut her out and have no contact with her, otherwise its going to cause major problems down the road....it already is..not going to get better only worse...Listen to your intuition..its screaming at you..thats why you posted here...goodluck. xoxoxoxo


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MrsP, 

My weekend was good, but cold. Spring will start next week they say....

Maybe that's a metafor for life, we are in cold en difficult times, awaiting better weather, awaiting for some sunshine. To forget about worries and enjoy life like one should.


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