# Anyone find out years and years later?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

It seems like everyone finds out when it's happening or shortly thereafter. I found out about the ONS nine years later. It's causing major issues for me. I feel like everything has been a lie since. He gets mad at me about this? He doesn't understand at all. He says everything was real. I don't see how it could have been - he knew what he did and I didn't. I kinda knew about his EA when it was going on, but the ONS I was clueless about. Even the MC and IC didn't give me much guidance on this. Anyone else out there kept in the dark for so many years?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Bumping for others to respond.

There are many posters, RWB and the_guy, who found their former cheating wives affairs, years after they took place. Maybe they can come forward to tell you their stories.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Thanks. Even the confirmation of the EA came four years later. So I'm dealing with nine and four years of lying. Really, our marriage was I thought at a good place these last few years, but I flipped when I turned 40 and demanded answers for doubts I'd been carrying for years. So this is like we're dealing with old past crap and it's made things unbelievably bad. The other day he said to me, you just had to know...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

And I need to add, there are no books or websites or anything for that matter that deals in this! Everything I read is about the NOW. Mine is the OLD. He even keeps saying to me, this happened nine years ago... It's old news to him. Even the EA is history, he hates her.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Hurt'nB,

First, your husbands attitude is that of a jerk, very insensitive. He and others see 9 years, old news, let it go, bury it. For you it's more like 9 minutes ago. It causes you to question not only what was real during the last 9 years together, but the entirety of your relationship. 

When my wife was caught cheating, it was initially a short lived affair with an old BF. They met up on FB and very quickly (1 month) fell in love again, did the Hotel-No-Tell for Sex, and started to plan their escape for "bad marriages". I had access to her emails and FB records. Buried down in one of her emails she disclosed to the OM that her marriage to me had been horrible for many years and that she had an affair with a previous Boss due to "starving for affection".

When confronted she denied any other unfaithfulness. Always remember... Cheaters are liars by very definition. In time the truth of her betrayal was outed. 6+ years of EA/PA affairs with 3 different OM. She finally admitted to a lot, everything? I will never really know. I had (still do) have a lot pain to process dealing with her years of betrayal.

The point... the 9 years means nothing in terms of hurt you are experiencing. I have been there and I know what you are doing. You are mentally going through your mind every event over the past 9 years. Have you got to point of looking at "old" pictures to remember the place and feeling you were having? Are you questioning the very reality of your marriage. Was he just acting out his love. Was this marriage just a convenient arrangement for him? And finally, what was real? 

It know how bad it hurts to feel like 1 person you thought you could trust with your most valuable possession, (your trust), is a liar and a cheat. Your IC should be attuned to your mistrust and understand the time frame actually makes it worse. Your Husband... hmmm... if he is truly remorseful, should be not be rug sweeping this. In fact, he should explaining in detail who, what, where, and most important WHY? Does he not understand that you have years of deceit and betrayal to process? Inform him.

Words of caution... The ONS of 9 years ago is bad enough. Hear a truth, rarely are cheaters neat and tidy. These pages at TAM are filled with stories of "just a ONS"". If anything I have learned about cheaters, they will continue cheating and rarely stop on their own accord. I wish you the best however you decide to proceed, but be prepared mentally and physically for the next disclosure. Sad to say but it seems... there's always more.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

hurtingbadly, my story is a bit different but I think it applies. I've been married 29 years. Lots of issues all over the place. Sex, money, parenting, you name it! I stayed in large part for the kids.

Last summer as I gave her the do-or-die choice of marriage therapy or divorce, she told me of her child sex abuse. She also revealed a more _extensive_ sexual history than she had admitted to before.

The sex abuse is a complicated area beyond the scope of your thread. But the important thing is that this was critical information she withheld from me. So much of her side of the dysfunction is explained by it, and she willfully withheld it from me. She watched me go through a lot of personal anguish over our issues, knowing all along that she held the key.

I feel it was an infidelity not to tell me before we were married or even after we were married and were having issues.

It was new information to me when I found out about it, even though she has known it for over 40 years. I had to process the implications of it in terms of what it meant about her. Who is she? Who was she when I met her? I also had to process our entire marriage by revisiting all of my memories with the new information. This is not a voluntary process, the mind just does it.

As RWB says above, it makes one wonder if anything was ever real. I didn't even know what was reality right now!

The roller coaster ride was just as intense as if she had been assaulted on the day she told me. For you, this is all new information about his ONS, so you are on the roller coaster as if the infidelity had just happened yesterday. For him it is old data he has tried to suppress for years.

There is a good book called "After the Affair" which describes what both spouses go through. If he wants to keep the marriage, he might get some benefit reading the book to see what you are going through and what he needs to do to participate meaningfully in the healing process.

Was everything between the affair and now a lie? I don't know. You'll have your doubts about some things. Other things were sure to be authentic. Be aware that your mind is going to process things with this new information. Randomly things are going to pop into your mind and you'll have a new clarity or understanding. The roller coaster slows down and the re-processing dies down after a few months.


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## neverthesame (Apr 12, 2012)

I can relate to your feelings. I found out about a month ago about a ONS my husband had 18 years ago before we were married, but we were dating at the time. I found out through a FB message she sent him regarding their daughter that she had given up for adoption! I was floored! I could not believe what I was reading...My whole world turned upside down in an instant, everything I thought I knew about the last 20 years together suddenly was in question.
These horrible situations take time to process. Even though this was years ago it feels as if it just happened. I'm mad, sad, hurt, feeling stupid for never knowing.
Fortunately for me my husband and I have been able to talk openly about things and he has been very receptive to my feelings. I felt like we were in a good place, but that was not always the case...we were married very young and it was a very disfunctional relationship for a long time; but somehow we were able to turn it into a healthy loving marriage.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to look at where you are now in your relationship and if this new information is enough to end it. Your husband has said everything was real, and believe me I can understand you questioning it. If you do believe him to be sincere and want to try and stay together you need to somehow learn to forgive what has happened. You will never forget, but the pain will start to fade. The forgiveness is almost more for yourself...holding onto the pain is really only hurting you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> And I need to add, there are no books or websites or anything for that matter that deals in this! Everything I read is about the NOW. Mine is the OLD. He even keeps saying to me, this happened nine years ago... It's old news to him. Even the EA is history, he hates her.


She told me after 16 years of marriage! It was breaking me into pieces. I could not believe her and myself. Raging inside. Am still not out of it. 15 months now, I am struggling with myself, hurting her and myself. Just horrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You start questioning everything and your spouse wants you to move past it. As if nothing happened. WTF! 
The whole thing is bad. I feel used and it was all her selfishness. Dont want to say anything further...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> And I need to add, there are no books or websites or anything for that matter that deals in this! Everything I read is about the NOW. Mine is the OLD. He even keeps saying to me, this happened nine years ago... It's old news to him. Even the EA is history, he hates her.


She told me after 16 years of marriage! It was breaking me into pieces. I could not believe her and myself. Raging inside. Am still not out of it. 15 months now, I am struggling with myself, hurting her and myself. Just horrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Possibly you can use any of the info you find. Just because it was 9 years ago means nothing if you just found out. 

Read the wayward spouse instructions and see if it helps. Do not let the husband off wiht ANY excuses including time.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068

I think its about the 11 post down.

Good luck and prayers.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Chapparal -- I just read that post. It's fantastic. I recognize a lot of the BS responses from when STBXH had his EAs. But since he didn't believe that were that bad, we never actually went through the healing process. 

If both parties actually go through this, even though it's gut-wrenching, it will certainly work better than denial and rug-sweeping. 

Where did you find that information?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Hurt'nB,

Do you feel like 9 years of your life stolen/robbed from your life? I will forever feel like 6+ years of my marriage were nothing more than a cheap facade.


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## endothermic (Mar 8, 2012)

Hurtingbadly, I feel your pain, not so many years but I found out my wife was in an EA/PA and simmered down to an EA for the last two years. I knew she was talking with the OM 3 years ago and made it clear that I did not like it and it seemed to stop (just got hidden better); I'm on the roller coaster mentally, I feel like the affair was yesterday, and my wife says its over and wants to rug sweep the whole thing and have me act like I am not being reasonable and I have to process 3 years of living with someone who was willing to toss our relationship and not feel a compelling need to help me cope. Anyhow, I can confirm the pain is now and no time between softens the hurt. I think even mentioning that it was a long time ago is like kicking someone when they are down.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Chapparal -- I just read that post. It's fantastic. I recognize a lot of the BS responses from when STBXH had his EAs. But since he didn't believe that were that bad, we never actually went through the healing process.
> 
> If both parties actually go through this, even though it's gut-wrenching, it will certainly work better than denial and rug-sweeping.
> 
> Where did you find that information?


Someone posted it months ago when I first saw it. I have no clue where it originated. I think its great that you liked it and many people say the same.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I found out about 5 years later. I had suspected something and had some evidence I found in an email, and confronted at the time. She lied and covered it up and I took her at her word. I didn't have enough evidence and she was able to convince me it was nothing. 5 years pass, we start a family and then I find out the truth. As a previous poster said, you start to analyze EVERYTHING. What was she thinking when we did this? Was she thinking about him when we went here? Looking at old pictures from around that time and KNOWING she had just cheated on me and was lying to me to my face. It's tough to get over.

I recently found a journal of hers from back then that she wrote about her thoughts and feelings regarding me back when her A's happened. In the journal, she attempted to justify her actions as feeling the need for revenge because I wasn't making her happy. I was caught up in my own happiness and wasn't there for her. When in reality she was pushing me away and not wanting anything to do with me, and then trying to turn around and say I wasn't there for her? Funny how one's mind can spin things to absolve us from responsibility for our actions.

When I first found out, she played the whole 'it was so long ago and I was a different person back then' card. Why would I want to know? It was so long ago and we have been through so much since then...As previous posters have said, it may have happened 5+ years ago, but to me, it happened yesterday. Everything we have been through and done, the decisions we have made, were under false pretenses. By her not telling me the truth, she was controlling my actions. All secrets are control strategies. If someone's keeping secrets from you, you're being controlled...that's not love.

So those of us that found out years after the fact, were essentially being controlled by our WS for all those years, and have every right to be upset regardless of 'how long ago it was'.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your H, cheated and lied about it for 9 yrs, and now he is acting like the pissy little lord fauntleroy----you need to get right up in his face, and let him know, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS---that he cheated on you, by having the ONS, and by lying to you for 9 long years

He does not get to have an attitude---he does not get to be a drama queen---He cheated----you just found out about it---IT IS THE SAME AS IF IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY, as far as you are concerned

He needs to be accountable, transparent, show remorse, and be contrite---if not---there needs to be ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

**FLAMESUIT ON**

It is not the same as if it had happened yesterday and no your marriage is not a lie** this baby and the bathwater attitude floors me. It's just like homosexuals in the church.......it's like "That is a abomination nothing is worse in the whole world" attitude........get a life.

I actually pull from semi experience here. My wife told me about a escapade she had we weren't married on paper, but were together 6 years at the time..married now. Turns out she had a threesome with the guy actually guys........it hurt yes, but it wasn't as if it happened yesterday and no our relationship wasn't a lie because of it. 

People gamble, look at porn, become alcoholics and all sorts of things that equate to wrong and poor decisions. Your husband made a very very poor decision 9 long long years ago. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, never did, or that your marriage is a farce. One mistake doesn't destroy everything else...........if a college/highschool kid curses out his parents 10x over and says they hate them does he/she normally feel the same way 9 years later?? I would say hardly ever!! I could give tons of examples I just don't get the "You did this one thing for 1hr of your life ........that's it our whole marriage was fake now"!!

He chose to hide it for any multitude of reasons........!! The most basic being he didn't want to hurt you and equally didn't want to deal with the repercussions. Logically speaking I know I'm not the same person I was 9 years ago, I'm sure you aren't either, your husband is being a drama queen that is true and should be saying he is sorry, but again 9 years ago he might barely remember why it happened let alone the details of it.

I could go on and on, but in the end its you and him best of luck!!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

hurtingbadly said:


> And I need to add, there are no books or websites or anything for that matter that deals in this! Everything I read is about the NOW. Mine is the OLD. He even keeps saying to me, this happened nine years ago... It's old news to him. Even the EA is history, he hates her.


To him it happened 9 years ago, to you, it happened when he told you about it.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

michzz said:


> I can only say I cannot DISAGREE more with you.
> 
> Those nine years were stolen from the OP if that is the perception the OP has.
> 
> ...


And add every other white lie, disgression, etc to the list too so I would so most marriages are farces now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Nine years would have been a cake walk compared to the twenty I was in the dark. Hell, by the fourth year, she had already had a second guy's child that she passed off as mine and at least she was done squirting out kids, but she was only warming up as far as cheating goes.
Of course, I made no attempt at reconciliation so once it was over, I moved on. Unlike some, I consider all of our time "together" to be wasted and I wouldn't give her a buck for a cup of coffee if she was dying of thirst, now.
These ridiculous buffoons who preach "forgiveness" in order to move on in your life are merely people who either have never been taken for a twenty year ride on septic tank cleaning truck, or, at least "think" they haven't.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SadLovinngHusband, that was an outstanding summation! Especially the part about control. That is a nullseye wrt my wife's secrecy on several major subjects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

So I'm curious... How many stayed and how is it going now?

It is interesting that many of us have had or still have the same feelings.
I do feel like all these years I was in the dark have been a lie, I do feel like those nine years were stolen from me, I cry when I think about our ten year anniversary trip we took two years after he cheated (I remember thinking how awesome it was we'd been married ten years... HA!) and the PICTURES AROUND THE HOUSE KILL ME. I look at them and think here he was the cheater and liar and I had no idea... I really hate that our kids were little when he cheated and I feel like all our family memories are tainted now. It's an awful feeling. It eats at me all the times cheating was brought up over the years and he'd act like it was horrible. He really played me for a fool. 

RWB, I still have doubts about what he has told me. So, if more comes out I wouldn't be surprised. He's pretty stuck with his stories, though. I've been pleading for months now and I think I've gotten about all I'm gonna get unless someone else speaks out. I seriously doubt the BJ wasn't actually intercourse during his ONS (Hello, I got HPV!) and I also have doubts on two coworkers. One he flat out denies, the other he agrees wasn't appropriate, but he never loved or touched her. I call it an EA, he downplays that statement.

How do you have a ONS with a stranger when you'd been married eight years, been together over ten and have two little kids at home?!? I can't wrap my brain around it. We had been on an awesome family vacation the week before. It's all I can do not to rip those pictures all up.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

HB, that is horrible!! How can he have the chutzpah to downplay anything?! HPV?!!? I don't understand the mentality. 

I was reading a book about emotional affairs, and it listed the 'symptoms' that the BS goes through when he/she discovers the affair. I realized that I went through every one -- we all probably did. If the affair was denied or minimized as just an 'inappropriate friendship' it didn't allow us to truly heal. If we did have some of the things that were described, it probably made us look over-sensitive or crazy to the WS, who was trying to just rug-sweep. 

I realized that I was never allowed to process any of the EAs he had. My pain was never really acknowledged, and because of how messed up I was, I allowed myself to believe him when he said I was overreacting. What we are feeling is totally normal. Even if it was 'only' an EA, it is still a betrayal of what is, to most of us, a sacred vow. Until the WS sees that and can empathise with our pain, I really don't think he/she can be trusted not to do it again.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> HB, that is horrible!! How can he have the chutzpah to downplay anything?! HPV?!!? I don't understand the mentality.
> 
> I was reading a book about emotional affairs, and it listed the 'symptoms' that the BS goes through when he/she discovers the affair. I realized that I went through every one -- we all probably did. If the affair was denied or minimized as just an 'inappropriate friendship' it didn't allow us to truly heal. If we did have some of the things that were described, it probably made us look over-sensitive or crazy to the WS, who was trying to just rug-sweep.
> 
> I realized that I was never allowed to process any of the EAs he had. My pain was never really acknowledged, and because of how messed up I was, I allowed myself to believe him when he said I was overreacting. What we are feeling is totally normal. Even if it was 'only' an EA, it is still a betrayal of what is, to most of us, a sacred vow. Until the WS sees that and can empathise with our pain, I really don't think he/she can be trusted not to do it again.


He claims the HPV was from the ONS that was just a BJ?!? :scratchhead:
He does agree the relationship he had with his coworker wasn't appropriate. He thought because he didn't touch her it was OK. No boundaries at all! He has since read the book Hedges. I highly recommend it to anyone whose WS has problems with EAs...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> And add every other white lie, disgression, etc to the list too so I would so most marriages are farces now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow can you spell rugsweeping?

Look this isn't eating the last piece of pizza and lying about. It's cheating, cheating breaks the marriage vows and while there is paperwork needed to legally end it, the rel marriage is done once cheating happens. Now the two people may decide to make a new marriage, but the old one is dead.

When you find out five years later that your marriage ended and you've been living in a false life you have every right to be hurt wounded and angry. You also have a right to never accept the lie the other person has pushed on you, and you have the right to end the relationship, they ended the marriage all those years ago, you're just ending living inside a blind lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

The analogy I like to use for those that just don't quite get it is to imagine you switch jobs. You take a job at a new company where the owner tells you of all the great things that the place has to offer, all the opportunities and selling points to get you to take the job. You sign on, work you butt off and then 5 years or 10 years later, find out that it was all a farce. All the things you were told were lies. You were manipulated into taking the job and have essentially been doing it under false pretenses. 

If I had known about the infidelities, would I have chosen to continue in the marriage? No. If I had known about the lying and cheating and covering up, would I have chosen to have children? No. So by covering it up, I was manipulated into making decisions without all the pertinent information. 

By allowing the a pass because it 'happened so long ago', the lesson learned is if you cheat: lie, deny and cover it up for as long as possible, and hopefully enough time will pass that the fallout won't be so bad.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> The analogy I like to use for those that just don't quite get it is to imagine you switch jobs. You take a job at a new company where the owner tells you of all the great things that the place has to offer, all the opportunities and selling points to get you to take the job. You sign on, work you butt off and then 5 years or 10 years later, find out that it was all a farce. All the things you were told were lies. You were manipulated into taking the job and have essentially been doing it under false pretenses.
> 
> If I had known about the infidelities, would I have chosen to continue in the marriage? No. If I had known about the lying and cheating and covering up, would I have chosen to have children? No. So by covering it up, I was manipulated into making decisions without all the pertinent information.
> 
> By allowing the a pass because it 'happened so long ago', the lesson learned is if you cheat: lie, deny and cover it up for as long as possible, and hopefully enough time will pass that the fallout won't be so bad.


TOTALLY! I feel I had the right to know then and choose if I wanted to stay or not. Instead I was stolen those years from my life. I could have remarried... Now I'm older and life is more complicated. When the kids were little they wouldn't have known any better, either.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I was in a very similar place as you a year ago. Same thoughts as you. When this all went down and she covered it up, we had no kids. We had bought a house, but that was our only real asset. It would have been very easy to sell the house and both of us go on our separate ways. Things are much more complicated now, and honestly for awhile I felt very resentful because I felt trapped. By her lying and covering things up, I was now in a much more difficult position (finances, kids, etc.). 

We are still together and have been through months of counseling, over a year of regaining trust and things are much better. It's a long road, and I fully admit that there are still days that I question how I could have stayed. We will be having a great time, laughing, goofing around, etc. and then I will have the thought flash through my head that she did all those things to me. This is the same person and how could she treat me like that? She is a good person and has really changed and grown up since then, it's just a matter of me getting over how she treated and manipulated me back then.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> I was in a very similar place as you a year ago. Same thoughts as you. When this all went down and she covered it up, we had no kids. We had bought a house, but that was our only real asset. It would have been very easy to sell the house and both of us go on our separate ways. Things are much more complicated now, and honestly for awhile I felt very resentful because I felt trapped. By her lying and covering things up, I was now in a much more difficult position (finances, kids, etc.).
> 
> We are still together and have been through months of counseling, over a year of regaining trust and things are much better. It's a long road, and I fully admit that there are still days that I question how I could have stayed. We will be having a great time, laughing, goofing around, etc. and then I will have the thought flash through my head that she did all those things to me. This is the same person and how could she treat me like that? She is a good person and has really changed and grown up since then, it's just a matter of me getting over how she treated and manipulated me back then.


Wow. I guess it will always kind of be there, uh? 
I totally get the trapped feeling. I don't feel like I could manage financially right now with my kids if we were to divorce.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> He claims the HPV was from the ONS that was just a BJ?!? :scratchhead:


Yes it is possible. HPV is just a virus. It likes warm mucous membranes to infiltrate a new host. The HPV-1 virus is usually found on/in the mouth, and the HPV-2 virus is usually found in/on the genitals. But according to what I have been told by the STI clinic here, it is possible for either virus to be found in either location. If his BJ partner had an open oral HPV-2 lesion your husband could have caught it the way he claims.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Thor said:


> Yes it is possible. HPV is just a virus. It likes warm mucous membranes to infiltrate a new host. The HPV-1 virus is usually found on/in the mouth, and the HPV-2 virus is usually found in/on the genitals. But according to what I have been told by the STI clinic here, it is possible for either virus to be found in either location. If his BJ partner had an open oral HPV-2 lesion your husband could have caught it the way he claims.


I tested positive for the high risk strain five years after his ONS. I had cleared it by the next year. So, I have a little issue with the length of time, too. I always had normal paps so if the GYN hadn't offered the test that year I'd have never known and he'd probably have gotten away with it. The stranger from the ONS had just been with his coworker, then supposedly offered WS the BJ. I know, totally gross. They had all been drinking and his coworker who he was sharing a room with had brought the girl back to the room to smoke pot. I just find it very odd I tested positive for it right around the time of his "friendship" with a coworker who he swears up and down he never touched, but will admit it wasn't an appropriate friendship. At this point, I don't understand why he won't come clean... He is so adamant the HPV could have only come from the BJ. That test has become my curse in life I think.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I was wondering how all of you feel about your anniversaries? I have this weird issue that the anniversaries since he cheated haven't counted. Like all those times we celebrated were false. We just passed seventeen years and I had a very hard time acknowledging the date. I have MAJOR ISSUES with our ten year anniversary trip we took. I had such fond memories of it and they are now tainted and twisted.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

neverthesame said:


> I can relate to your feelings. I found out about a month ago about a ONS my husband had 18 years ago before we were married, but we were dating at the time. I found out through a FB message she sent him regarding *their daughter that she had given up for adoption!* I was floored! I could not believe what I was reading...My whole world turned upside down in an instant, everything I thought I knew about the last 20 years together suddenly was in question.
> These horrible situations take time to process. Even though this was years ago it feels as if it just happened. I'm mad, sad, hurt, feeling stupid for never knowing.
> Fortunately for me my husband and I have been able to talk openly about things and he has been very receptive to my feelings. I felt like we were in a good place, but that was not always the case...we were married very young and it was a very disfunctional relationship for a long time; but somehow we were able to turn it into a healthy loving marriage.
> 
> I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to look at where you are now in your relationship and if this new information is enough to end it. Your husband has said everything was real, and believe me I can understand you questioning it. If you do believe him to be sincere and want to try and stay together you need to somehow learn to forgive what has happened. You will never forget, but the pain will start to fade. The forgiveness is almost more for yourself...holding onto the pain is really only hurting you.


Perfect example of an eighteen year ONS...pfff!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I found out about 25 months after her PA (what I thought was an EA, and had already addressed). it hit me like a truck. It happened 25 months ago, but she was never going to tell me. 

Thing is, I know me, and I know that had I found out THEN that she screwed that OM, I woulda left her then, cold and clean. Now we have this other time and some healing in place, and although it weighs heavily on our relationship, I think we're going to make it. 

That may or may not help you. I know the photo thing... There are pictures on our wall, not even of us, that were taken around that time. With her brother, uncle etc. I told her just the other day I want those taken down, since they were taken at "that" time. She agreed. However, the pictures are still there, and she stays at home. Not sure she understands, so once she gets over this nasty cold she has, I'm going to lay it on her all over again. 

It's going to take you a while. It's taking me a while. Some things you just don't get over.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> I found out about 25 months after her PA (what I thought was an EA, and had already addressed). it hit me like a truck. It happened 25 months ago, but she was never going to tell me.
> 
> Thing is, I know me, and I know that had I found out THEN that she screwed that OM, I woulda left her then, cold and clean. Now we have this other time and some healing in place, and although it weighs heavily on our relationship, I think we're going to make it.
> 
> ...


Ya, I'm looking at a span of five to six years he was possibly cheating or at least skirting boundaries. The confessed ONS was ten years ago, I was in the dark for eight years, nine to who it was. Given we've been married eighteen years it has pretty much wiped out any good memories I had, mix in those were the very years our kids were growing up and you can see how painful it is. I'd have to basically take down every pic in our house. Every vacation photo with the kids, all those years were lies with him. I'm no better today than I was two years ago when all this started slipping out. I hope others healing goes better than mine. I'm stuck in limbo, doesn't help his trickle truth has caused me to be in a constant state of doubts.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm so very fortunate that I took my attorney's advise to examine STBXW's cell-phone/texting records, or I would have probably just attributed our divorce to nothing more than perceived "emotional instability" on her part, and would have been in the dark for years.

It's so good to know pre-divorce, exactly what a liar and a cheater that she truly is!


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I know the pain. Found out about it 6 years after it started and 1 year after I divorced him. We remarried and his insistence on my forgetting the past was met with an unleashing of wrath that has fixed that permanently. I am healing through this. I knew myself well enough to know I needed him to heal. If the marriage ends again I won't be in need of any further "healing" and certainly won't have any baggage from this by then.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I agree that it is hard when you find out something like this. Especially when you are told that it was never going to be told to you. With that mindset, everything that happens becomes second guessed. Did the WS really care the way that they have let on for the last so many years. Unlike the one poster that thinks that, since it is in the past let it go, I agree with the others that choices were made and decisions arrived at based upon truths believed that were in reality not there. If you only have one side of the story (and the other side is based upon lies and hidden truths), how can you be sure that what you are feeling and thinking is truthful and representative of the actual truth of your marriage?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> If you only have one side of the story (and the other side is based upon lies and hidden truths), how can you be sure that what you are feeling and thinking is truthful and representative of the actual truth of your marriage?


:iagree:


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