# Wife and I in MC but I still want to leave..



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

No major problems to speak of specifically as I've detailed here before but just absolutely nothing in common. The detachment is searing on both sides. We are just trying to get to the point of being friends in MC. We never really had all the fireworks and such.(I know what was I thinking??) Should I come up with a plan for some kind of monetary settlement so she allows me to leave without guilt tripping me to death? I know a lot on here have been left so I'm trying to be delicate but kids will be grown in five years and it will be REAL scary with just us in the house. We can't even talk about anything outside of biz/kids. HELP??!!! Anyone have a plan??? Any "left" who would have rather "leaver" done "_____"? thanks! Dude


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Stay living together on friendly terms until your children are grown and out of the house. You will feel less guilty getting a divorce and she is most likely to be ok with a divorce without a lot of drama.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

how long have you been in MC? these sorts of things usually need time to make some positive progress.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stick it out until the kids leave then divorce as amicably as possible. I don't really know what else to tell you. You and her should be able to set some rules and boundaries about how to act around the kids. Give each other lots of space and make sure cheating or and talk of open marriage b.s. is out of the question.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Stick it out until the kids leave then divorce as amicably as possible. I don't really know what else to tell you. You and her should be able to set some rules and boundaries about how to act around the kids. Give each other lots of space and make sure cheating or and talk of open marriage b.s. is out of the question.


This sounds most promising, do I keep my plans from her or do I reveal them to make it even more amicable? Its five more years...YIKES!


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Maneo said:


> how long have you been in MC? these sorts of things usually need time to make some positive progress.


Four sessions, we are not compatible at ALL.. We both lose a piece of ourselves staying together. Its terrible.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> This sounds most promising, do I keep my plans from her or do I reveal them to make it even more amicable? Its five more years...YIKES!


Tell her your plans for the next five years. She may surprise you and agree to a divorce right now.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

does she want the marriage to last or is she of the same mind as you?


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Maneo said:


> does she want the marriage to last or is she of the same mind as you?


She told me yesterday she would have kicked me to the curb a long time ago if she didn't "Love me" so much???!!!


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Lila said:


> Tell her your plans for the next five years. She may surprise you and agree to a divorce right now.



This is interesting...I'm not sure why she is so bent on us staying together outside of our kids. It really makes no sense because she doesn't engage me much and I already told her if we split I would take care of them financially so she didn't have to make any lifestyle changes. Maybe she just likes having a good looking guy around even if she doesn't care for his personality at all. I'm baffled sometimes.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> This sounds most promising, do I keep my plans from her or do I reveal them to make it even more amicable? Its five more years...YIKES!


I would sit down with her and just be up front with her. 

You are not feeling it. You get the impression she is not feeling it. Counseling and all the hard work is just not working. You like her, admire her, respect her as the mother of your children, but that romantic husbandly love is just not there anymore and probably never will be again. 

If she hasn't gone through the roof by this point, tell her you will be willing to live peacefully with her as a companion/roommate/co-parent for the next five years. You will treat her well, pay the bills, be her friend, and not run around or date other women... and you expect her to do the same in return. 

You will be sexually available to her if she wants the occasional roll in the hay, but, for the most part, you will be looking at filing for divorce once the last kid is gone. Just be honest.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> She told me yesterday she would have kicked me to the curb a long time ago if she didn't "Love me" so much???!!!


She feels sorry for you and would feel guilty if she "kicked you to the curb". Its not about love. 

Tell her there will be no "kicking to the curb". If the two of you split you will both end up on the curb. The family will be split up, the house will be sold and she will be responsible for supporting herself. End of story. She doesn't get to "kick" you anywhere. 

You need to nip that attitude in the bud.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> I would sit down with her and just be up front with her.
> 
> You are not feeling it. You get the impression she is not feeling it. Counseling and all the hard work is just not working. You like her, admire her, respect her as the mother of your children, but that romantic husbandly love is just not there anymore and probably never will be again.
> 
> ...


Damn Bandit, this sounds so logical and I'm tempted to try it but thats a long time still and I'm not good with rolls in hay with someone who isnt into me.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

In your State, how long must you be married before you will owe life-time alimony if you D?


----------



## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Zanne said:


> Well, there you go, that's your answer. *Also, adult kids struggle with divorce too,* so I've never cared for that argument. Mainly kids want to know what's going on and how it's going to affect them. If you're providing well for them then that part of their life won't change much. But you will need to work on the relationships because of course not having you living with them (I'm assuming your wife will have primary custody), is going to be a huge change.
> 
> IMO, women tie their identity to their marriage and family so that's why your wife is willing to accept the state of your marriage. And she's going to be pissed when you take that away from her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a great point by Zanne. I was 20 when my parents separated and then divorced shortly afterwards and I was devastated, maybe because at least for me it was so unexpected. Others may have different experiences, but I'm just letting OP know how it worked for me.

I'm not sure there's really ever going to be a right time for you and your wife to divorce, so if things are really as bad as you describe, perhaps the right time is now that you've realized how incompatible you both are.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> This is a great point by Zanne. I was 20 when my parents separated and then divorced shortly afterwards and I was devastated, maybe because at least for me it was so unexpected. Others may have different experiences, but I'm just letting OP know how it worked for me.
> 
> I'm not sure there's really ever going to be a right time for you and your wife to divorce, so if things are really as bad as you describe, perhaps the right time is now that you've realized how incompatible you both are.


Yeah, its all incompatibility issues, and I know some think you could live with it but I don't see how??? Its killing me and probably her as well.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

ThreeStrikes said:


> In your State, how long must you be married before you will owe life-time alimony if you D?


Never...I would probably not have to pay any or very little.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I understand the desire to keep things going for the kids, but that can be a bad decision, IMO. I think it's best to end things ASAP when it's clear they can't be fixed or changed to make a good relationship. Your kids are learning that a distant, passionless marriage is the norm, and they will tend to replicate that in their own relationships - and will also suffer for it. If you divorce and find a good, loving relationship, they have a chance to learn that this is not only possible, but desirable.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> I understand the desire to keep things going for the kids, but that can be a bad decision, IMO. I think it's best to end things ASAP when it's clear they can't be fixed or changed to make a good relationship. Your kids are learning that a distant, passionless marriage is the norm, and they will tend to replicate that in their own relationships - and will also suffer for it. If you divorce and find a good, loving relationship, they have a chance to learn that this is not only possible, but desirable.


This makes perfect sense. Its the hardest situation where you get along ok and somewhat friends/roomies, yet you know it must end.(At least one of you does) I think the security she receives offsets the emotional ties that are non-existent.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

How many MC sessions should I go thru before I move it from repair sessions to split sessions? Maybe six? If I do it too soon it will go down as I didn't even TRY....There are also a large financial item that would dovetail with this nicely concluding in the fall. DUDE


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OMG. I said this in your other thread...just get the fvck out NOW! This is ridiculous! This sounds like its YOUR need for security, not hers! Stop being wishy washy, find your balls, and END it. You are not doing your kids any favors like this!


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> This is a great point by Zanne. I was 20 when my parents separated and then divorced shortly afterwards and I was devastated, maybe because at least for me it was so unexpected. Others may have different experiences, but I'm just letting OP know how it worked for me.
> 
> I'm not sure there's really ever going to be a right time for you and your wife to divorce, so if things are really as bad as you describe, perhaps the right time is now that you've realized how incompatible you both are.


Both of my daughters have waited outside the marriage counselors office during our sessions so they would NOT be shocked regardless of timing. Right now we are focussing on just being GOOD FRIENDS, how crazy is that??? Years of busy work and projects and our foundation was made of sand. I guess there were always so many distractions with career, kids, friends I never really noticed how lame our marriage was(is) and how incompatible we are...YIKES!


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> OMG. I said this in your other thread...just get the fvck out NOW! This is ridiculous! This sounds like its YOUR need for security, not hers! Stop being wishy washy, find your balls, and END it. You are not doing your kids any favors like this!


Dude, I get your point and we are talking about possible separate residents but you have to be strategic/kind/delicate. There are female feelings involved here!! Sheesh..I thought I was business like with this stuff....DUDE


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You feel like you need to let her down easy, eh?

Good luck with that.

I'm with 3X (who is a woman, btw..not a dude). Reach down between your legs, find a pair, and start acting like a man. A man doesn't string his STBX along and give her false hope when he's already decided that he's going to end it.

It's funny, I see you giving pretty good advice to other posters, yet you haven't handled your own situation.

What advice would *you* give* you*?


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

ThreeStrikes said:


> You feel like you need to let her down easy, eh?
> 
> Good luck with that.
> 
> ...


I hate you for being so smart....Really I do..Dude


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Get to 50k feet. Observe your situation without the emotional attachments.

What do you see?


----------

