# Newlywed Issue



## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Hi! My W and I started dating 4 1/2 years ago and we got married 6 months ago. We grew up in church together and went through youth group at the same time. Now I'm t 23 and she's 26.

We tried to wait till marriage to have intercourse, but broke our commitment a handful of times in the 4 years we dated. We mostly stuck to all of the foreplay acts, and we were both fine not going any further than that. We were intimate probably once a week, and every time we were, I initiated. I noticed back then that I was way more sexually driven than her, but I was her first and kind of corrupted her. So I thought it was just because it was new to her.

Well to get to my main issue. In the 6 months we have been married, we have had sex 5 times. Once on our wedding night and only once on our week-long honeymoon. And we haven't had sex in the last 3 months. I've asked if she resents me for something and she says "no, I'm just never horny, I don't know why". 

I talked her into talking to her gyno on her last check up and she blamed it on my W's birth control and the anxiety medicine she takes. I know those meds can lower a sex drive, but can it completely kill it?

I hate this so much because I love her more than anything. : (
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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I talked her into talking to her gyno on her last check up and she blamed it on my W's birth control and the anxiety medicine she takes. I know those meds can lower a sex drive, but can it completely kill it?


 Yes, 100% they can kill it. 

Consider getting a copper IUD instead. My wife was pretty messed up on the pill.

Get support from this site, your church, etc. This is going to be a tough issues, but you can get past it.

I've suffered from anxiety all my life, and when I was on meds, I was pretty messed up. I was on welbutrin, which apparently has the lowest side effects. Zero sex drive is pretty common. 

Its very likely that if birth control and meds were taken away, your wife would be more of a 1-3 times a week person instead of 0-2 times a month.

I also am much higher drive than my wife, and its a tricky subject to talk about. Feelings get hurt very fast. Resentment builds very fast.

There are also a number of stories on here about growing up in church and being uncomfortable with sex. People do get past it, but it isn't easy. I think one or two of the very frequent poster's stories is something like that. (greenpurl or simplyamorous or someone else - I don't remember)

If its ok to ask, what meds and brith control is your wife using?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...uality-thread-end-all-threads.html#post280916
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/mar...-your-husbands-sexual-needs.aspx?p=1&series=1
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/23006-wife-doesn-t-feel-need-sex.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...when-husbands-want-sex-but-you-dont-want.html
These might help too.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Anx, we'll I have thought about the churches influence on her, but she has the same feelings towards it as me, considered it important, but didn't take it to seriously. Plus we started doing stuff with each other within the first two weeks of dating, without any pressure from me. So I don't think that's the issue. 

I don't know the name of the birth control. Comes in a rectangular pop-out thing with a blue sleeve, blue pill. Her anxiety med is lexapro.
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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Lexapro (Escitalopram Oxalate): Official Site

Decreased libido is a side effect of the drug. In some people it really can knock it to zero. Again, changing birth control to a copper IUD may fix MANY of the issues.

How long term is he on medication for? I took it for about 6 months to break a cycle of anxiety and panic attacks. Although dealing with being a newlywed AND going off meds would be significant. 

I REALLY think this is mostly due to meds. She may never be as high as a drive as you, but you will probably be MUCH closer if you can change those two.

Also, how is the rest of your marriage going? Are things outside of sex good?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Initial studies found sexual side effects to be not significantly different than placebo, but since these studies relied on unprompted reporting, the frequency was probably underestimated. In more recent studies, doctors have specifically asked about sexual difficulties, and found that they are present in between 17% and 41%[41][42] of patients.

From the wikipeidia page, 17 to 41% of people on this class of drugs had sexual difficulties.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Wellbutrin is an option for antidepressants where the effect on one's libido is shown to be statistically significantly less. YMMV.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Anx. Yes things are great! I've taken several psych classes through out school and every one of my professors spent time on relationships. So I know the importance of fulfilling your partners needs. I know I'm supposed to give without expecting anything back. But the frustration is so high and it feels like its breaking me. I've read over the forums the past couple of days. I dont know how some of these people go a year and only have sex once.

Btw I thought I might add, she has never masturbated in her entire life. Her first orgasm was my doing, and any time I suggest she do it, she is appalled by the thought. 

Also every time we have had sex she has finished. So its not like she doesn't enjoy it.
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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

To answer your question earlier she takes lexapro daily. She has a job that can be stressful sometimes, and when she comes off of it, even for a week, she'll have an attack. Ill try to talk to her about maybe going back to the doctor to see if she recommends any other options. But bringing up sex to her is kind of like pulling teeth. She gets defensive and starts treating it like something awful, like a "i know I have to do it, but I really don't want to" attitude.
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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I know how hard this is. Read as much as you can in the sex section. This subject gets so hurtful so fast for both partners.

I'm basically crazy when we go stretches without sex. Its hard for me to not just start fights and argue. I really think its the meds. Change those first. Get into counseling (church if you want to) if this is a deal breaker, and it would be for me.



> Btw I thought I might add, she has never masturbated in her entire life. Her first orgasm was my doing, and any time I suggest she do it, she is appalled by the thought.


 I think this is part of it. A lot of women aren't comfortable with their bodies and sex. Especially those who grow up in a church environment.

This is going to be hard to get past. You might need to go to MC, but I 100% think this is fixable. Don't lose a great marriage over this.

Read how other people talk about this to their partners and where the pitfalls are.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Also, is she in counseling for it. It took me almost a year of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and a few months of meds to get past my panic attacks. Also, consider changing jobs. My wifes job is very stressful and we've seen a pretty significant drop in sex.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

No she isn't in counceling I've been considering starting some on my own first. Thank you for all of the advice medical and other. I've had all of this growing inside me for 6 months and just getting it out helps alot. : )
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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

YoungBuck said:


> No she isn't in counceling I've been considering starting some on my own first. Thank you for all of the advice medical and other. I've had all of this growing inside me for 6 months and just getting it out helps alot. : )
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Counseling may help with the anxiety and the sexual issues. It could be that married sex is overwhelming to her as well. I feel sorry for your wife; the poor woman sounds very repressed. If she has never even masturbated, having her open up about sex will be an uphill battle.
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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Mrs.g, seriously. TMI- I've done it from a very young age, which probably contributes to the difference in our drives. I have even "guided" her into it a couple of times (on her) which she is good with until I stop helping then she stops. The thought of never having done it and being grossed out by it completely blows my mind. Do you think she would start with some convincing? Would that come better from me or one of her girlfriends?
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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

It is possible to get anxiety under control with counseling. Being permanently medicated for it is not a good option.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Young, I've been masturbating since I was four. I used to call an orgasm "the tickles", because that's what it felt like. No need to feel like your sharing TMI.
She probably thinks that masturbating is dirty. You could tell her that it makes you hot to watch her play with herself. 
I agree with Anx; we overmedicate in this society. Medication often causes imbalances that were absent prior to starting pills. She needs to find the root of her anxiety.
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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Thank you for all of the help. Ill be sure to update! Thanks.
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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Well, yesterday my wife and I went to a wedding and had a great time. You always hear about how this is a libido booster for women so last night I gave it a shot, and got shot down. This began me (calmly) asking her about our situation, asking if I was not meeting her needs emotionally or if she didn't find me physically attractive anymore, ect.. 

She told me how sad it made her that I thought it was somehow my fault and she told me her doctor 100% blamed it on her lexapro. I asked her if she thought her doctor would prescribe an alternative to it. And for some reason she started getting defensive and said "well I can just stop taking the lexapro...". 

I've never wanted her to do that because I've witnessed some of her anxiety attacks. It scares me how a few minor events in a day can turn her into a sobbing nut case. After I made that clear again she turned it on me and said "i just don't know what YOU want me to do." As if my wanting more intimacy in or marriage was really putting her off.

Am I being too selfish seeing as it's a medical issue? A couple of nights ago I asked her to rate how important she thought sex was to a marriage and she said a 4 out of 10. I'm more like an 8 or 9. It doesn't seem to me like she's very interested in making our situation better. This last friday was exactly 3 months since the last time we had ANY physical intimacy. And we've only been married for 6 months. I don't know how to handle this.
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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

My heart goes out to you. She really needs to visit with her doctor and try to find an alternative solution. It sounds like her anxiety attacks are pretty severe...I've been struggling with moderate anxiety attacks(mostly due to an impending autoimmune diagnosis) and I'm seeing a therapist to try to control them. However, if hers are truly severe, she will likely need some form of meds. Then again, maybe not. Has she tried alternative therapies other than drugs? I know most doctors are quick to write a prescription without considering other ways to control panic/anxiety. And if she can control the anxiety attacks to a point through therapy, she may be able to decrease the meds significantly. I'm just speculating though...not a medical professional by any stretch 

Get her back to that doctor! And talk to a therapist that specializes in anxiety if you haven't already. A therapist I saw a few weeks ago suffered from severe anxiety attacks for 20 years and was on a number of medications. She is now completely med free and works to help treat anxiety in other people. That may not completely happen with your wife, but it's definitely worth a try 

ETA: Also wanted to add that I know several people who discovered that certain food sensitivities were triggering anxiety attacks(gluten, soy, dairy, MSG etc). If a person's body reacts badly to a food, it can cause a pretty severe chemical reaction in the brain, triggering the attacks. As soon as they removed the food from their diet, the anxiety attacks were completely gone. Now, if they accidentally ingest some of that food, the anxiety attacks *immediately* come back. It may or may not apply to her, but many doctors won't acknowledge the connection. Google foods that can trigger anxiety attacks. You'll find a load of info.

Certain vitamin/mineral deficiencies can also cause anxiety attacks. I'm sure her doctor has addressed the vitamin/mineral possibility, but I wanted to mention it anyway. Some doctors are extremely close-minded and refuse to do anything but write prescriptions, when there are countless other ways to treat the cause of anxiety attacks. Sometimes it does come down to meds, but you should exhaust all other resources before resigning to a medication only approach.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Again, have her get in CBT therapy if possible and I would suggest some MC as well to be able to talk through this all. I would probably explode without sex for 3 months.

CBT was really the only way for me to change the pattern underlying my anxiety. I was HIGHLY critical of myself all the time. It sounds like your wife may be too from how she reacted to you.

I wish people who have never had a panic attach could feel what its like. The best analogy for what I can give is the moment when someone scares the sh*t out of you (think someone coming up behind you and screaming bloody murder when you are least expecting it). That momentary sick to your stomach, dying, panic feeling that it takes several minutes to get over is what it felt like for me for as long as 2 hours. 

You also can't MAKE her understand that she is part (or most of) the issue in this. Only see can realize that, and that will be impossible to do if this is an arguement and hurtful. These arguments get very ugly and hurtful very quickly.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

anx said:


> Again, have her get in CBT therapy if possible and I would suggest some MC as well to be able to talk through this all. I would probably explode without sex for 3 months.
> 
> CBT was really the only way for me to change the pattern underlying my anxiety. I was HIGHLY critical of myself all the time. It sounds like your wife may be too from how she reacted to you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Great advice. It is terrifying. They say the worst feeling only lasts a few minutes...for me, they sometimes last for several hours for me as well  The last time I had a really bad one it took me over 24 hours to settle down. BUT they are treatable. And hopefully, in her case, without meds eventually


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YB,
You might want to have a whole different conversation with her and it goes like this:

I accept that your desire level is way lower than mine. In order for us to come to a compromise that works for both of us, we need to come up with a way for you to help me learn how to get you in the mood, when you start out feeling no desire. Maybe that starts with a massage, maybe a long round of kissing. The idea that you have to "start out" feeling horny is not going to work because you almost never do. If you love me, you will make the effort for us to find a way to "get you in the mood" and I need you to show that commitment to the marriage. 

And then shut up and let her talk. Ultimately if my W of 20+ years had said "sex only happens when I start out feeling horny" she would be my ex-wife because that is a very selfish thing to say in a marriage. 

YB - if you aren't careful she is going to continue to totally deprioritize your needs. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>




YoungBuck said:


> Well, yesterday my wife and I went to a wedding and had a great time. You always hear about how this is a libido booster for women so last night I gave it a shot, and got shot down. This began me (calmly) asking her about our situation, asking if I was not meeting her needs emotionally or if she didn't find me physically attractive anymore, ect..
> 
> She told me how sad it made her that I thought it was somehow my fault and she told me her doctor 100% blamed it on her lexapro. I asked her if she thought her doctor would prescribe an alternative to it. And for some reason she started getting defensive and said "well I can just stop taking the lexapro...".
> 
> ...


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

I recently switched to Niacin from Zoloft & my sex drive is like it was when I was in college. I am diagnosed with moderate depression & have had symptoms since my early teens. All of the anti-depressants I have tried destroyed my sex drive except for Wellbutrin. That just made me _really_ agressive & I would blurt out strange hurtful things when I got ticked off, which was often while I was taking it. I got the idea to try Niacin from the documentary Foodmatters. 

Foodmatters is a movie touting the raw food lifestyle, something I have NO interest whatsoever in, but the info on treating depression was spot on. It is said that Niacin has been used top treat depression & alcoholism successfully so I decided to try it. Honestly, life on Zoloft, Lexapro, Wellbutrin & the others I've tried couldn't have been much worse. 

I started at 3000 mg/day & now am at 4000 mg/day 1 1/2 months later. This dose seem to do the trick but people have been known to need much higher doses to get relief. The great thing is, Niacin doesn't have any side effects (if you buy the non-flush formula). 

I don't know if your wife is interested in trying a natural alternative to pharmacuticals to treat her anxiety, but it worked for me & many other people so I thought I'd pass along the information in case it could help.

YouTube - Natural Treatment for Depression Explained - Naicin B3 - Food Matters
Clip of Foodmatters about Niacin for depression treatment.


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