# Am I Over Reacting? In-Laws & Boundaries



## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

First time poster.

My issue is I have become very irritable and angry when it comes to my fiance's mom and brother. They criticize and try to give you advice of how they would do it or what they would do alot. They criticize us about how we raise our kids or how we take care of our house. We don't say anything like that back to them. It gets hard taking all the criticizism all the time. Especially, when we are doing really good. 
There have been alot of things that have been said or have gone on that irritate me or that I disagree with. It would take to long to write about all of it. But I can't voice my opinion or stand up and say thats wrong because my fiance defends them to no end. It's like she is afraid to go against her family. I feel like she puts them first. They can put me down and I'll get upset and she gets mad at me for getting upset.

I just don't understand what hold they have on her. Why can't she establish boundaries and not be afraid that she is doing someting wrong.

Advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Do you live in your own place?

Do you both work? 

How far away do you live if 1 is yes.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your wife has been raised by a woman who constantly criticises and who raised a son who also now constantly criticises. It is not at all surprising that she would probably see it as the way her mother displays an interest in her life. Think about it, she was raised in this and you weren't. Of course, you cannot see it the way she does. Then you come along and.... criticise her family for being critical and this causes her to feel defensive over it.

I think you are probably taking it way too personally. I can understand that as I too have difficulty in dealing with criticism. It may also be a matter of tone and delivery rather than content that is causing you anger. Try to separate the words from how they are delivered and you never know, they might have some merit. The rest of it, IGNORE. It serves you no purpose to try and change their minds. Let it wash over you. At the end of the day, their words effect you only as much as you allow.

Edited to add: I suggest you read up on how to deal with criticism. It will serve you well to learn these skills.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I had in-laws like this, they criticized eveything I did, nothing I did was ever any good. They made me start hating holidays because it meant I would have to spend the day at their house getting criticized.


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## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

Holidays have been an issue. My fiance wants her mom, brother and his girlfriend to all stay the night on christmas eve. I don't want them too. I think its weird and alarming because they live 4 houses away from ours. Our home during that time was 2 bed 1 bath and a living room space. I wanted them to come visit for awhile then leave so we can relax with the kids for awhile before we put them to bed and set up all the presents. Then have them come back over sometime in the morning but she was fighting me tooth and nail about it. I wanted some time alone with her and the kids and she didn't want that. She told me that next year we can have it my way and that just made me feel like I was asking for to much, like the way I wanted it was so wrong. 

I need to work on handling the criticism and not making it personal. Its very hard but I think there are alot more things going on then being overly critical. Its like they have a need to prove they are better then you. That they are the alpha and you should be like them. I have a full time job but I'm not that good with tools. Her brother doesnt have a job and is good with tools. Her mom is always saying "you could do that if you were handy with tools," and then the mom goes gets the brother and talks about how hardworking he is.

I'm just like confused because I can get better with tools but I don't get alot of free time with work and kids to get into stuff like that. Just makes me irritated because its not right and I don't act that way towards them.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

breeze said:


> I think you are probably taking it way too personally. I can understand that as I too have difficulty in dealing with criticism. It may also be a matter of tone and delivery rather than content that is causing you anger. Try to separate the words from how they are delivered and you never know, they might have some merit. The rest of it, IGNORE. It serves you no purpose to try and change their minds. Let it wash over you. At the end of the day, their words effect you only as much as you allow.


While I agree with this in context, the fact that his wife will not stand up for him at all or see his side of the situation is concerning. She obviously has no boundaries with regards to her family. 

As much as the OP can ignore what her family has to say, the fact that his stbw does not stand up for him and the good things he does will only cause resentment. Once that resentment builds up, boom, it will be over.

I would follow the above advice but would also sit with the stbw, without family around, and tell her how her behavior makes him feel. See if she can understand on an emotional level what is going on with him. I would go so far as to recommend pre-marriage counseling to give an outside opinion to both of them.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Don't Understand said:


> Holidays have been an issue. My fiance wants her mom, brother and his girlfriend to all stay the night on christmas eve. I don't want them too. I think its weird and alarming because they live 4 houses away from ours. Our home during that time was 2 bed 1 bath and a living room space. I wanted them to come visit for awhile then leave so we can relax with the kids for awhile before we put them to bed and set up all the presents. Then have them come back over sometime in the morning but she was fighting me tooth and nail about it. I wanted some time alone with her and the kids and she didn't want that. She told me that next year we can have it my way and that just made me feel like I was asking for to much, like the way I wanted it was so wrong.
> 
> I need to work on handling the criticism and not making it personal. Its very hard but I think there are alot more things going on then being overly critical. Its like they have a need to prove they are better then you. That they are the alpha and you should be like them. I have a full time job but I'm not that good with tools. Her brother doesnt have a job and is good with tools. Her mom is always saying "you could do that if you were handy with tools," and then the mom goes gets the brother and talks about how hardworking he is.
> 
> I'm just like confused because I can get better with tools but I don't get alot of free time with work and kids to get into stuff like that. Just makes me irritated because its not right and I don't act that way towards them.


The sleepover situation is extremely odd since they live 4 houses away. I take it the brother still lives with his mother? We don't play sleepovers once we hit adulthood imo. It's not like it's to save them a hotel bill or so they can drink since they could just walk home anyway. If just for the sake of comfort you'd think they'd WANT to go home. I know I would.

As for the mother constantly praising the brother; that's not coming from a place of superiority imo, but a place of inferiority. The ones who feel inferior are the ones who talk the loudest. She might feel you look down on them, that you might think her son is a bum with no job. Maybe he is, maybe you do. Instead of seeing it as an attack on you, try to take a step back from it. It's getting to you because I think wish it weren't true. Focus on the positives instead. We can't be good at everything; you've prioritised other stuff in your life and that's fine.

Edited to add: If you didn't already have children I would suggest rethinking marriage. In law issues never go away unless you move far far away. Even then there are no guarantees. I have had some very bad experiences with a psycho MIL that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but lucky for me I have a DH that has stood by me every step of the way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you feel you have to put up and shut up? If the brother is so good with tools, why doesn't he have a job using them? Ask him/her politely why he can't get a job using his skills.

Kids or not, I'd put off the marriage until your fiancee realizes that you pay the mortgage - not mom & bro. It's your place, too, and you don't have to put up with the crap. You know they might not hang around so much if you do stand up for yourself. Fiancee gives you a hard time? Tell her that you were waiting for her to handle her family but it became obvious that she never would.

People need to investigate their loved one's family before committing to kids or marriage.

BTW, when are you planning on getting married?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

As someone who's been in the same position - and worse, with nightmare in-laws I can only add to the chorus of don't get married until this is sorted.

Wtf are they wanting to sleep over for? How utterly ridiculous!! That is your home, you have a voice and say - blo0dy tell them 'NO!!'.

I've had to cut my in-laws off, all of 'em. They are not welcome in our home, I have my husbands full support on this. He still sees them if he wants to, but he goes there.

If there are in-law issues before marriage, don't get married thinking they'll get better. They won't.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think the problem is with your fiancé. She hasn't become an independent woman, maybe it's because her family hasn't let her, like by always controlling her, maybe she's young, or maybe it's because she lacks confidence and just hasn't matured. Possibly her family doesn't look upon your relationship as a real family since you're not married. Do you have kids together or is it a blended family? 

Regardless of past family dynamics going forward she needs to stand up and say WE (you, her and the kids) are the most important family unit. WE will make our own decisions and carve out the life WE want. She needs to tell her family that they are always welcome in her life but they can not direct her life.

OP how is your confidence level? Sometimes you just have to say no to things and live with the consequences. Keep your cool, make decisions that are best for your family and the life you want to live, if the in laws can't respect that than that's their problem, not yours.

When I first married my in laws were like yours, the silly sleep overs, telling us what to do, and everything we planned my wife would want to talk with her folks about. Drove me nuts, I was a nice guy about it but after a time I had to just lay it out and tell them to back off, I was capable of making my own decisions and raising my own family. Ended up having a great relationship with the in laws.


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## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

C3156 said:


> While I agree with this in context, the fact that his wife will not stand up for him at all or see his side of the situation is concerning. She obviously has no boundaries with regards to her family.
> 
> As much as the OP can ignore what her family has to say, the fact that his stbw does not stand up for him and the good things he does will only cause resentment. Once that resentment builds up, boom, it will be over.


I think she is afriad to stand up. The mom and brother are very good at manipulation. They can cause trouble and when things get serious they play the victim. I've tried to talk to her about the manipulation. 

She has an older brother that doesn't come around very much because of an issue with the mom and brother. I was around when the problems started and it all could have been avoided with communication, being fair, and taking responsibility for yourself and belongings. I like the older brother that doesn't come around that much because he is just nice and accepts us for who we are. He gets criticized alot by the mom and brother, which I don't think he always deserves but I can't say anything because I would become the bad guy.

And I do have resentment and it has been built up. I just want her to recognize my feelings and not just disreguard them as me being unfair. I have two little girls that I don't want to be raised in the type of negative evnviroment that mommy was raised in. I want better for them.

I'm mad at myself alot and I blame myself for being in this position. I was warned by multiple people to stay away from them. But I cared for her. Her life before me was heading in a bad direction and the life we have together is so good. We are doing so great. Providing for our kids, working. The boundaries are the problem and I know she sees it but doesn't know what to do.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hey OP,

If I may, I feel like I could maybe give you the other perspective.

My family are the critical ones in this picture. They never mean harm but they can come off as chauvinistic and know-it-all. They were raised that way and in turn raised me that way. Analytical, confrontational, curious bunch. Strong and fearless. But they are also always looking to help others because they like helping others and some people just aren't open to that right off the hop. So for instance when my ex-wife made ads to sell various items online, she passed that on to my parents to help advertise. She was upset that they made modifications to the ad, but they were only trying to help. IMO, my ex-wife's original ad was pretty weak but it's besides the point. Sometimes they just do things without asking first and that's just part of how they were raised. Some people are pushy like that. There's also elements of acceptance on your part. 

When my ex-wife came in the picture, she didn't like how they did that. She felt undermined and did not like how direct and nosy they were/are and always making suggestions. And I always tried to get her to stay over at my parents, even though I didn't really like staying overnight on holidays either. Remember...Family sleep overs are fun for those with a fun history of family sleep overs. 

Why did I do that to her? Simple. I love my parents and I know they don't have that much longer in life where as my ex and I are/were young. I value that time together. I certainly loved them much more then my ex-wife and frankly that will never change. I think it's almost silly to presume otherwise. 

I could be wrong...but this might be simpler then you think and she is just afraid to tell you that. 

I mean tell your wife how you feel dude and tell her what you will and will not tolerate, but be warned...putting a wedge between her and the ones she probably loves more then you is a dangerous path that leads to resentment. 

My advice is to have an honest conversation with your wife and keep all these things in mind. I would meet her half-way.


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## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

breeze said:


> The sleepover situation is extremely odd since they live 4 houses away. I take it the brother still lives with his mother? We don't play sleepovers once we hit adulthood imo.
> 
> As for the mother constantly praising the brother; that's not coming from a place of superiority imo, but a place of inferiority. The ones who feel inferior are the ones who talk the loudest. She might feel you look down on them, that you might think her son is a bum with no job. Maybe he is, maybe you do. Instead of seeing it as an attack on you, try to take a step back from it. It's getting to you because I think wish it weren't true. Focus on the positives instead. We can't be good at everything; you've prioritised other stuff in your life and that's fine.
> 
> Edited to add: If you didn't already have children I would suggest rethinking marriage. In law issues never go away unless you move far far away. Even then there are no guarantees. I have had some very bad experiences with a psycho MIL that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but lucky for me I have a DH that has stood by me every step of the way.


Yeah the sleep over thing is odd and it took us moving to get that to stop. It was like an every weekend thing and then they would stay all day. The whole buying another house and moving was a nightmare. I don't know how many times I cried because of all the stress and feeling unsupported. It was a beat up house but in a very good area, and twice the size of our current house. We negotiated a very good price and was able to put money into fixing almost all the issues besides updating. Went from 2 bed 1 bath to 4 bed 2.5 bath. And the elementary school was the best in the city. Whenever we found an issue with the house, she would talk about it with her mom and brother and they would always freak her out and upset her. I don't know how many times she has came to me freaking out after talking to them. It put so much stress on me to handle it all. Most of the time the things she was freaking out about were not that bad. But we were able to fix it up and so far has turned into a very good home and investment for us.

The whole inferior and superior issues were alreay there before I even came into the picture. The brother is very smart and is hardworking but hardworking at things he likes to do. A little on the selfish side and a "me" person. He has some issues and for some reason the whole family has to take the burden for them. 

We haven't started planning the wedding because I keep putting it off because of all this. She is a good mom and a future wife. She has the qualities I like but the whole boundaries thing is hurting our relationship. She blames me but I tell her I'm not the bad guy. I tell her I want a life with her but I don't want to have to look over my shoulder every step of the way.


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## Don't Understand (Nov 5, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> Hey OP,
> 
> If I may, I feel like I could maybe give you the other perspective.
> 
> ...


They do like to help and they are confrontational. But if I ask them to help or do something I don't get upset if they make it better or anything like that. When you get help from them it seems like they put you down about it or in someway get compensated for it. I could be taking it wrong but the way they talk about it or the way they say it can be confrontational.

For example: 
When her brother was released from jail he started mowing our grass. I was never asked or talked to about it. I just came home and he was mowing our grass. I told my fiance that he didn't have to mow our grass that I would. Her response was that it was good for him, to keep him busy and occupied and not sitting around thinking about things. Which I understood and thought it made since so I let him mow our grass. After awhile he would make joking comments about it. So I went to my fiance two more times and told her he didn't have to mow our grass. She told me it was okay and that he was just playing with his comments. But after a year there was some issue with the house and the mom and brother 
told my fiance that her brother takes care of our house and that he should have a say. The mom looked at my fiance and said "you pay the bills and your brother takes care of the upkeep of the house." Never once was I mentioned or consulted about the issue with the house. My fiance talked to me about it but they never did once. I was paying all the bills and I did do upkeep and help with the house work. When I would go to work my fiance would call her brother over to do small things around the house. She liked the company which I understood. But that helped them make the claim about her brother taking care of our house.

My fiance was even a little upset about it but she easily forgot it. But I took it as a direct shot at me since Im the man of the house. Sometimes it feels like two alpha males fighting over the pack. Like I'm the alpha male in my pack and this other alpha male wants to make claim to it.

I don't want to put a wedge between her and her family. I understand her family is important to her and that no one should make someone choose between their childhood family and adult family. That we have to get along cause both are important. But I feel like her adult family is under constant siege from her childhood family for control.

I hope I make sense.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask your fiancee if she intends to cleave unto you if you get married. The reason for the Bible asserting that people cleave unto one another is so that they create a bond. They are not to involve the parents in matters involving the spouse and are to be independent from the parents. Sometimes it's the parents who can't let go and that has to be firmly addressed. From your statements, it seems it is the fiancee who is constantly trying to remain in the family nest. That does a great disservice to her new family.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

From my own personal experience: It's very important for your spouse to have the ability and willingness to communicate boundaries with their family.

Ability, willingness, and courage.

My husband didn't have the willingness or the courage and so we separated and irreparable damage was done to our marriage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

pragmaster said:


> Hey OP,
> I love my parents and I know they don't have that much longer in life where as my ex and I are/were young. I value that time together. *I certainly loved them much more then my ex-wife *and frankly that will never change. I think it's almost silly to presume otherwise.


You're divorced right?


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