# Are there any men divorcing their wives for a lame reason?



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

So even though I am still going through the grieving process over the death of my marriage one thing is still bothering me. After reading loads of stories on this and other sites, I realize that there are a few differences between my story and all the rest. 

In most stories, the husbands want a divorce because of infidelity, lying, fighting, arguing or neglect. In my case, I woke up one Monday morning, my H kissed me goodbye and said i love you like every other morning and headed to work. I even received several text messages where he states how much he loves me and couldn't imagine life without me(the text are normal in our marriage).12 hours later he comes home and gives me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. He has giving me several reasons for wanting a divorce(i did not emotionally fulfill him, i am too codependent on him, he isn't in love with me, he needs to find himself, he doesn't want to have any regrets in lifethe last one always gets me-how can you not regret a divorce when you haven't thought it through all the way.

The second thing I noticed is that many of these stories have taken place over many months even years. Couples trying to work out their differences before they resort to divorce. Why is my husband not only wanting a divorce but he won't even try to give this marriage a second try? I could completely understand if this was an ongoing problem for us, but it's not. He is making a impulsive, rash decision that is not only affecting me but my daughter as well. I know that he is making a mistake, and he has said that he knows in the future we will be together again. So why is he going through with this? Could it be that he never loved me the 7 years we were together? I really don't know what to think or do anymore. I don't know if I should bother trying to save this marriage or not. It is bad enough that we still live together and sleep in the same bed. He has slipped up twice in the past week and told me he loved me and then acted like he didn't say anything. Is this the beginning of a temporary separation or is this the real thing? Are there any men out there that can possibly shed some light on my situation? any advice is welcomed.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Are you SURE there isn't something more here?

Sorry - don't know your story...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would suspect another woman...can you rule that out?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

a little background-Together 7 years married-1 1/2 years. I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. my H and daughter had a great relationship until 2 weeks ago. he has in the past complained about me not showing him enough affection, but i wasn't receiving the attention i asked for either. he is always working so that has something to do with it. we recently moved from my hometown to his hometown. we have been here two months and he wants a divorce. Two years ago we had to move to this same town and he left me then but then begged me to come back three months later(we weren't married then)

He has admitted to running into his "first love" from high school(this is weird because the first time he left me was for his other "first love"). through phone records, i found out that he has been talking to this girl twice a day for the past couple weeks. when i try to explain that he is involved in a emotional affair, he says that his "friend" has nothing to do with it and she is just being his friend in a time of need...not really buying it though. i know that he is not physically involved with this woman but sometimes emotional affairs hurt worse than the physical ones.

All i know is that he is trying to cut me and my child out of his life and it seems like an uphill battle for him to do this. i think he might need counseling but he refuses do to some traumatizing experiences he had as a child. is there anyway that I can get through to him before it's to late? has anybody used Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness? could this work?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> a little background-Together 7 years married-1 1/2 years. I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. my H and daughter had a great relationship until 2 weeks ago. he has in the past complained about me not showing him enough affection, but i wasn't receiving the attention i asked for either. he is always working so that has something to do with it. *we recently moved from my hometown to his hometown*. we have been here two months and he wants a divorce. Two years ago we had to move to this same town and he left me then but then begged me to come back three months later(we weren't married then)
> 
> *He has admitted to running into his "first love" from high school(this is weird because the first time he left me was for his other "first love").* through phone records, i found out that he has been talking to this girl twice a day for the past couple weeks. when i try to explain that he is involved in a emotional affair, he says that his "friend" has nothing to do with it and she is just being his friend in a time of need...not really buying it though. i know that he is not physically involved with this woman but sometimes emotional affairs hurt worse than the physical ones.
> 
> All i know is that he is trying to cut me and my child out of his life and it seems like an uphill battle for him to do this. i think he might need counseling but he refuses do to some traumatizing experiences he had as a child. is there anyway that I can get through to him before it's to late? has anybody used Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness? could this work?


BINGO. This is it.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

OMG!! This is so confusing. One minute he tells me that it's over and that there is nothing I can do to change his mind. The next minute he is calling me to "make sure that I am ok" and to chit chat like we are friends! He tells me he doesn't love me and then slips up and ends conversations with I love you. After working out with his friend he comes home happy and one would think that our lives were of a normal married couple(he still wants the affection and he still wants to make love)...what is wrong with this guy? Is there any hope for our marriage at all?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> BINGO. This is it.


Yeah I thought the same thing too but will a person walk away from his marriage knowing that this girl he is talking to won't be there in a few months? He actually told me as much. He said that he is going to put our house on the market and get his own place. He also said that he doesn't want a relationship for a long time and he never wants to get married again. Part of me wants to believe that this OW isn't the reason for his action. I like to think that he has emotional issues from childhood that were never addressed. The other part of me says that to think that the OW has nothing to do with this is ignorance. I do know that this is a roller coaster ride from Hell!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I think there are several reasons. The OW, and his mental state (fog), issues from his younger years (ego, self-esteem, etc).


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I think there are several reasons. The OW, and his mental state (fog), issues from his younger years (ego, self-esteem, etc).


I think so too. As his wife, I feel that when I married him it was for better or for worse. The thought of a failed marriage is scary to me. I know that we could work this out, but, for some reason, he doesn't trust me enough anymore. I just feel helpless as he wrecks his life.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

somuchinlove said:


> I just feel helpless as he wrecks his life.


That may be the case. Happens all the time. Sometimes people do really dumb things and there is little or nothing you can do about it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> Yeah I thought the same thing too but will a person walk away from his marriage knowing that this girl he is talking to won't be there in a few months? He actually told me as much. He said that he is going to put our house on the market and get his own place. He also said that he doesn't want a relationship for a long time and he never wants to get married again. Part of me wants to believe that this OW isn't the reason for his action. I like to think that he has emotional issues from childhood that were never addressed. The other part of me says that to think that the OW has nothing to do with this is ignorance. I do know that this is a roller coaster ride from Hell!


Affairs are fantasy. It is chemical. Not logical at all. WSs become like lemmings. They will willingky walk off into the abyss unless someone can reach them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> Affairs are fantasy. It is chemical. Not logical at all. WSs become like lemmings. They will willingky walk off into the abyss unless someone can reach them.


:iagree:


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

I agree to nice777guy. Entropy is absolutely right about this affair being chemical. I guess because of this, right now I can do nothing but prepare for a divorce since my H is not willing to see this marriage through to the end. To him, divorce is the only answer..


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> Are there any men out there that can possibly shed some light on my situation? any advice is welcomed.


You`re not getting the whole story.

You want a piece of valuable information?

I`ve never in my entire life heard of anyone telling their lover "I love you but I`m not in love with you." unless they were working on loving someone else.

You need to start covertly investigating what`s really going on. because something is going on.



Edit: Arggg..Note to self: must remember to read whole thread not just the OP!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> he has in the past complained about me not showing him enough affection, but i wasn't receiving the attention i asked for either.


Can I ask a serious question? If you want to save the marriage, yet he doesn't, have you been focusing more on implementing more affection than justifying not giving affection in the past? Hopefully, in your interaction with him, the emphasis is on fixing the problem instead, and this statement was aimed more at us, the members of this board. My only point is that the justification doesn't actually make him want to consider reconciliation, while implementing might. My wife still seems stuck in the justification mode at times, and not really in the implementation mode.

According to the other posters on this thread, I am the only person among nearly seven billion people who has given the 'I am in love with you, but I'm not in love with you' speech without having any interest whatsoever in another person. We are trying to reconcile, but my wife's use of this type of argument really makes me feel like we won't make it at times. For instance, if I tell my wife how I've felt for the past 24 years in a therapy session, her justification is that she has felt the same thing for the last couple of years, since I began questioning us. To her, that seems to nullify my justification for asking for a divorce, which I'm not sure really accomplishes anything in regards to my decisions in the future. I'm just more interested in seeing an actual improvement going forward. In my case, I was the bad guy in the relationship for a couple of decades, until she suddenly informed me that I had been a great husband all along. Only adding this to let you know that our problems were not really lame at all. 

I'm really not trying to pick on you, but making light of his concerns, if it is actually going on, might be a tragic mistake.

It is often really hard for men to put the reasons in words. Maybe they are lame, or even from a lack of integrity on his part, but it just doesn't seem to be practical not to try to respect and even implement his suggestions if you want to reconcile.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Halien said:


> Can I ask a serious question? If you want to save the marriage, yet he doesn't, have you been focusing more on implementing more affection than justifying not giving affection in the past? Hopefully, in your interaction with him, the emphasis is on fixing the problem instead, and this statement was aimed more at us, the members of this board. My only point is that the justification doesn't actually make him want to consider reconciliation, while implementing might. My wife still seems stuck in the justification mode at times, and not really in the implementation mode.


That is a fair question to ask. The minute he told me I wasn't showing him the attention, affection and emotions he needed and was thinking about separating, I told him I would show him more of everything he needed. I did not place blame on him and accepted my role in how we got o this point. In two weeks, I haven't blamed him for a single thing, yet no matter what I do there always seems to be a bar I can't reach. 

I am 99.9% certain that his is involved in a EA and stuck in a fog. He does come out of it and he acts really nice towards me. He turns into the man I married. Then he will get uncomfortable all of the sudden with the fact that he has the capabilities to be my husband and he seems to fight with the urge or whatever it is that is pulling him back into his fog. I know that this EA will be over as fast as it all started, but I don't know if the damage will be to bad by then. Matter of fact, if he would of never brought up the whole "I love you but not in love with you" line, I would of never suspected a thing about an EA. He is just being really selfish right now


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> That is a fair question to ask. The minute he told me I wasn't showing him the attention, affection and emotions he needed and was thinking about separating, I told him I would show him more of everything he needed. I did not place blame on him and accepted my role in how we got o this point. In two weeks, I haven't blamed him for a single thing, yet no matter what I do there always seems to be a bar I can't reach.
> 
> I am 99.9% certain that his is involved in a EA and stuck in a fog. He does come out of it and he acts really nice towards me. He turns into the man I married. Then he will get uncomfortable all of the sudden with the fact that he has the capabilities to be my husband and he seems to fight with the urge or whatever it is that is pulling him back into his fog. I know that this EA will be over as fast as it all started, but I don't know if the damage will be to bad by then. Matter of fact, if he would of never brought up the whole "I love you but not in love with you" line, I would of never suspected a thing about an EA. He is just being really selfish right now


I know it doesn't help, but I think you've done everything you can, if it matters from a guy's point of view. And you bring up a very good point that a few posters fail to mention: when his feelings go back and forth from cold to hot, then it is far more likely that he has another potential relationship on the wings, but there are still a large percentage of folks out there, according to a large study funded by the AARP, who are only interested in breaking from a long term relationship just to break away, without the drama of an affair. I am very sorry for the pain you are going through.

I've seen others in a similar situation as mine, where we really want to reconcile, and the spouse even acknowledges the underlying issues, but the ability to address it is just too challenging.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> So even though I am still going through the grieving process over the death of my marriage one thing is still bothering me. After reading loads of stories on this and other sites, I realize that there are a few differences between my story and all the rest.


There really aren't. As later in your posts it was revealed, your situation is pretty typical. I know that doesn't help to hear but at the same time, rest assured, you aren't alone.

He is more than likely having an affair with the old friend. Esp. if they are still in contact. Is she married?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> I've seen others in a similar situation as mine, where we really want to reconcile, and the spouse even acknowledges the underlying issues, but the ability to address it is just too challenging.


So very true. 

Thing is, most divorces, break ups and breakdowns are NOT mutual. Generally there is one person who really wants to work it out and the other person doesn't. 

OP-my advice to you is to not beg/cry/plead for your husband. I would do some more snooping about the potential Affair to rule it out. Right now it sounds very likely that is what's happened. If she is married, you need to expose the affair to her husband/partner. You would do this w/o any warning to your husband or her beforehand. Can you access his call logs or use a VAR? 

Since he wants out, you need to tell him "I have thought aboot what you said. I am willing to put in the work together with you to restore our marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work. While I don't agree w/ your decision, if you want to divorce, then I am not going to stand in your way. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me."


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

So Much....

count me in your group...no affairs, no abuse, no kids to fight about -- but my H wants a divorce....everyone told me the same thing too -- "another woman". Sigh....it isn't always true. My H seems to be in a perpetual "FOG". 

Have you asked your H about this "first love"?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Jenna-sorry to here about your circumstance. I know not all H's are involved with other women, but I believe 95% that my H is. A little history-2 years ago(before we were married)H broke up with me because he didn't know what he wanted to do in his life. All of this 2 months after we left my hometown and moved to his. A lot of it was his family influencing him--he has a super controlling stepmom who hates him but knows how to manipulate hi--. After I moved out, he tells me that he was dating the his "first love" or the girl he lost his virginity to...whatever. After a month of dating, he realized that his 1st love was crazy and controlling. He also realized his family was not looking out for him either. He called me crying. He had lost his apt, his job, his vehicle and his family wanted nothing to do with him. I drove 3 hours to pick him up and put the pieces back together. We got married 6 months later, he got his job, vehicle and house back. He made amends with his family(well not his stepmom but his dad) and all was well...until we moved back to his hometown. We buy a house and 2 months later he tells me he wants a divorce. I checked phone records and saw that he had been talking to a particular number for 20-35 minutes 2-3 times a day. He doesn't even talk to me that much through out the day. I asked him about it and he said it was just a friend. It was his first love from high school and she made him feel alive. but they were just friends and she has nothing to do with how he feels about our marriage. I know that this is a different girl because he despises the other 1st love. I know that he is talking a lot to the stepmom too, which is something that he has NEVER done. His family is completely ok with him divorcing me and moving on with his life. They all seem to be worried about his well being which leads me to believe that he has told them a lie about why he wants a divorce. 

All I know is that he gave me the "i love you but I am not in love with you" line. Two days later he told me that I was not there for him emotionally. On day 5 he said that we were "breaking up". On day 7 he said he was filing for a divorce. Today is day 16 and he still hasn't filed, he is still talking to the OW, and still claims she is a friend. I know they go out to dinner and other things like that. I gave up asking about her because all he says is she is just a friend and has nothing to do with how he feels about me....b*llsh**!!! He denies that it is an emotional affair still!

What's really sad is that his family is leading him off the cliff and he is allowing them too. They have convinced him that leaving is the right thing to do. The EA is only validating these false perceptions. My H is weak emotionally and for 7 years I have been the one to protect him from people who would otherwise prey on him. If he divorces me, he is on his own. Although he has told me that he knows in the future our paths will cross because what we have is true love and we will be together again...i politely told him that was not the case. Hopefully he will come out of the fog before it is too late...hopefully.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Yup. Same story here in the main facts: Husband of 18 years (together 23) stops sleeping with me in April and tells me he wants to separate. Moves out early May, files for divorce mid-May, divorced by June. Will not agree to counseling, not interested in any attempts to stop the divorce, nothing. Oh, and another woman 20 years younger than he is happens to be in the picture at first as 'just a friend'. Really just a girl and more than a friend. So yes, spouses get stupid and throw family and everything away sometimes and there isn't a friggin' thing we left spouses can do about it except try to work on ourselves and love our kids. Why? God only knows, and He isn't sharing it with me.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. my H and daughter had a great relationship until 2 weeks ago.


I'm surprised no one asked about this, or maybe I'm just dense and this needed no clarification. Are you saying something happened between H and your daughter 2 weeks ago? Or that, the relationship went bad because of his choice to leave?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

martyc47 said:


> I'm surprised no one asked about this, or maybe I'm just dense and this needed no clarification. Are you saying something happened between H and your daughter 2 weeks ago? Or that, the relationship went bad because of his choice to leave?


No..nothing like that. What I meant was for the past 7 years, they have had the best relationship. He is the only Daddy she knows. When he decided he wanted out of the marriage, he not only cut me off emotionally but my daughter as well. She is torn up right now and he is basically ignoring her I think it makes it worse that we all still live in the same house. Only now he comes and goes as he pleases. Some days she might see briefly in the morning while he is on his way to work and that's it. This is a man that 3 weeks ago was holding our purses while he took us shopping. It is really hard to see her hurting, while he is out having the "time of his life"


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> No..nothing like that. What I meant was for the past 7 years, they have had the best relationship. He is the only Daddy she knows. When he decided he wanted out of the marriage, he not only cut me off emotionally but my daughter as well. She is torn up right now and he is basically ignoring her I think it makes it worse that we all still live in the same house. Only now he comes and goes as he pleases. Some days she might see briefly in the morning while he is on his way to work and that's it. This is a man that 3 weeks ago was holding our purses while he took us shopping. It is really hard to see her hurting, while he is out having the "time of his life"


OK. Wow, this is terrible. I am a "step-father"and if anything happened to my marriage, there's no way I could abandon my son. I was just curious if something was wrong between them as tensions in that kind of relationship can be pretty complex and wear on a marriage. I guess the Other Woman is the main issue.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

He might need a 'gentle' (not so much) reminder that it's about you and him, not him and his/your daughter. The Ex started being hypercritical of our 8 year old daughter and angry with her when he first moved out. She is a lot like me, and I had to remind him it was about him and me and he needed to back off and leave our daughter out of it. He actually realized I was right and things have been ok between them since then.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

WomanScorned said:


> He might need a 'gentle' (not so much) reminder that it's about you and him, not him and his/your daughter. The Ex started being hypercritical of our 8 year old daughter and angry with her when he first moved out. She is a lot like me, and I had to remind him it was about him and me and he needed to back off and leave our daughter out of it. He actually realized I was right and things have been ok between them since then.


He brought this up to me when all of this mess started unfolding. He said that this was between him and me and not her. He said he wanted to be there for her and no matter where we live, he would always have contact with her. A few days later it was I who had to remind him to leave her out of it. He doesn't spend anytime with her anymore---he hasn't attended any of her volleyball games in the past 2 weeks---he won't take her out for an ice cream or anything like that. On the weekends, we used to do everything together. Now he makes sure that he is gone as much as possible. He posted on facebook that this past weekend was so fun and he loved every second of it. My daughter saw this and I had to watch her heart break...again.She is a very mature 12 year old and she never ever cries or shows emotions of that nature. I am very worried for her right now. I tried to tell him last night that he is destroying my child and all he said was that she would be fine. He doesn't talk about being there for her anymore. He answered the OW phone call while my daughter was in the same room as him. She heard a girl's voice on the other end of the phone as my H ran outside. She asked him who it was and he told her a friend and stop questioning him because she is being disrespectful. That is his answer for any of her questions now. She is being disrespectful...I want to get my child in counseling but she said she doesn't need it. She said that she knows what is happening cause she has seen this on TV. I my heart is tearing in a million pieces over this....


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Hmm. Maybe call him directly on what he's doing, specifics. Such as his standard 'disrespectful' comments. And pointing out to him that he's hurting her by not spending time with her like he used to. Be blunt with him (not in front of your daughter, of course) and don't be afraid to tell your daughter what's going on with him (other woman). She is certainly old enough to know about it. 

What the **** is wrong with these wayward idiots??? Don't they get how much they hurt everyone with their selfishness??? UGH!!!! I don't understand it at all.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

WomanScorned said:


> Hmm. Maybe call him directly on what he's doing, specifics. Such as his standard 'disrespectful' comments. And pointing out to him that he's hurting her by not spending time with her like he used to. Be blunt with him (not in front of your daughter, of course) and don't be afraid to tell your daughter what's going on with him (other woman). She is certainly old enough to know about it.
> 
> What the **** is wrong with these wayward idiots??? Don't they get how much they hurt everyone with their selfishness??? UGH!!!! I don't understand it at all.


I have been trying to explain this to him for 2 weeks now. Whenever I say she is hurting, he says she'll be fine. I asked him to take her out to dinner or a movie or miniature golfing, he said he doesn't want to. All I know is that he is on his way out the door and I will be left to explain to my daughter why her "daddy" is being an A**!! I did tell her about the other woman since she clearly heard him talking to her on the phone. She doesn't want to call him Daddy anymore...i can't blame her. 

I have sat him down and told him that since he wants to leave he is obligated to sit down with my child and explain himself. He clams up every time. He says he will do it but I don't believe him at all! He has backed out of everything he said he would do, so why would that change now?

My WH is so selfish right now, I didn't even know it was possible. He did come out of the fog for a moment last time. He said that he feels so guilty and it hurts him (he still won't admit to EA, so I assume he thinks he feels guilty about the D) I told him that a person who believes they are right in there action won't feel guilty or hurt. He then said that he didn't think he was doing things the right way but it was the way he was doing them. He looked really sad and depressed at this point...it kind of made me feel a little better


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Tough story, especially about your daughter. All you can do is keep reinforcing with her that this is not her fault, it was nothing she did or didn't do and there is nothing she can do to change it. Try to spend as much time with her as possible, building up her self-esteem. Really emphasize that this is between you and your H.

Do you have any activities that you like to do, just the two of you? If not, maybe you can start some. Ritual is a great help at this time. And encouraging her to express how she feels is very important. You don't want her coping by bottling up her feelings. Are there any support groups for kids in your area? The school or your doctor might be able to help. At that age, sometimes it's easier for them to talk to others of their age.

You are just starting out in the process. Take care of yourself, treat yourself well. You deserve it!


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