# There's not enough lawn



## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Okay, I've just read my umpteenth post about "take her sh1t and put it on the lawn." I don't think I can take this any more, and have to say something about it.

When you are older (I did not, frankly, investigate the ages of the parties involved in that last post), you have accumulated a lot of sh1t. You may have a basement full of stuff, a garage full of stuff, or both. No, I don't refer to hoarders. Many people have accumulated lots of stuff. They have accumulated mutual debt. They have accumulated kids. They have accumulated vehicles. Lots of sh1t. This is evidence of life together, in a marriage, a marriage that once worked.

If we were to part out our stuff, I would not even know where to begin. Where would my train collection go? Where would her Christmas collection go?

Not everything can be put out on a lawn, as a matter of fact very little can be put out there. 

There is lots of good advice on this board, but chucking somebody's belongings or other obligations out on a front lawn does not work. If you want to say, "pack a bag of their clothes and throw them out the door," maybe that works. But you cannot toss the accumulation of a lifetime out the front door. Doesn't work that way.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I think they are refering to clean undies and a change clothes. You can chose to pack a toothbrush for them also, but it depends on how generous you feel. LOL. You are right, a long time marriage can accumuliate a lot of crap. Think of it as a move, get rid of the clutter.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

It is a metaphor. Essentially, I think if you toss all her/his clothes on the lawn, I think the offending party (and the neighbors) will get the memo.
The more formal division vis a vis the train/Christmas China collection comes later.

*.*

The above is a point. You missed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bobka said:


> Okay, I've just read my umpteenth post about "take her sh1t and put it on the lawn." I don't think I can take this any more, and have to say something about it. ...........................
> 
> 
> There is lots of good advice on this board, but chucking somebody's belongings or other obligations out on a front lawn does not work. If you want to say, "pack a bag of their clothes and throw them out the door," maybe that works. But you cannot toss the accumulation of a lifetime out the front door. Doesn't work that way.


bobka,

There are as many different kinds of advice on TAM as there are people. You take what *you find to be useful *to your own personal situation and apply it........ then, disregard the rest.

There is NEVER a one-size fits all pre-packaged answer that works for everyone. TAM can be a very helpful tool in navigating through these situations and it can, also, drive you out of your mind, if you allow it. I've had my share of those days and, God love B1, he has been my rock in helping me get through them. You own your mind.... you decide what to allow in it or not. Maybe this week some of the advice you receive, here, will sound ridiculous, but next week it might make more sense. Then, again, most of it is just someone else's opinion. There are no real experts here... just people, just opinions, but much of this advice and wisdom has come the painful and hard-earned way and I'd like to think that, most everyone, here, has genuinely good intentions of helping others be spared from having to learn, what they have already learned, the hard and painful way.

But, feel free to _"chuck the advice you receive, here, on the front lawn"_ and keep your wife's belongings in the house if you'd like, it's really up to you. I used to spend too much time trying to "please" everyone on TAM. I wanted everyone to "like/understand" me. You have your own life, wife and marriage.... no matter the outcome, to worry about. Don't expend too much energy trying to please everyone. But, do understand, many of us have been where you are, some of us still are and a lot of the advice that is given, here, has proven to be very, very helpful to ourselves and many others.

Take care, bobka,
EI


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> bobka,
> 
> There are as many different kinds of advice on TAM as there are people. You take what *you find to be useful *to your own personal situation and apply it........ then, disregard the rest.
> 
> ...


Well, thank God you are here! 

By the way, I was hoping that someone might get that my post is kinda allegorical. There's a lot about marriage that can't be easily chucked - not belongings at all, but all that has made your marriage what it is.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I think they are refering to clean undies and a change clothes. You can chose to pack a toothbrush for them also, but it depends on how generous you feel. LOL. You are right, a long time marriage can accumuliate a lot of crap. Think of it as a move, get rid of the clutter.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

bobka said:


> By the way, I was hoping that someone might get that my post is kinda allegorical. There's a lot about marriage that can't be easily chucked - not belongings at all, but all that has made your marriage what it is.


That is true. And a marriage shouldn't be easy to dissolve. But, there should be a point at which every person is willing to stand up for himself, have some self-respect, and kick the b!tch out. DVD collection be damned.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, some people deserve to have all their sh!t thrown out on the lawn.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

bobka said:


> By the way, I was hoping that someone might get that my post is kinda allegorical. There's a lot about marriage that can't be easily chucked - not belongings at all, but all that has made your marriage what it is.


lol. we get it. but, i'm afraid you don't.

i am sorry.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

You know what guys.... No matter what any of us think bobka's *wife deserves,* it shouldn't be nearly as important to us, right now, as what *bobka needs.* And, right now, he needs to be met where he is. He's in a tremendous amount of pain and this mob mentality is unhelpful and downright cruel. I know you think you're helping, but you're not. Who knows if what you're saying is right or not. But, if he can't hear the message, because the messenger is hell bent on delivering it with an AK47, then how is any of this going to help him. Everyone is not built the same way. Not everyone is a harda$$. If your approach isn't working, then what would be wrong with trying a different approach. And, if that's not your cup of tea, then post somewhere else.

There isn't one clear cut path to reconciliation or divorce. Some people have a zero tolerance "policy" for any type of an affair, and some need to know that they have tried everything in their power to reconcile the marriage before they're willing to walk away, and some people, for very personal reasons of their own, feel as though they can't walk away. Are they any less deserving of help or at least some kindness and compassion than those who follow the standard TAM advice of do the 180, go dark, throw the WS's $hit on the lawn and file? He can always do that next week, or the week after or 6 months from now, if that's what he determines he needs to do. But, he isn't there, yet. And, he may never be. 

And, finally, I'm going to say something that isn't going to make me very popular on TAM, but what the Hell, as a former WS, I'm not exactly on the "most respected TAM member's list," anyway.... so, here goes nothing. I have to wonder if there might be so many bitter BS's on TAM because they have a "my way or the highway" mentality and refuse to accept that there is more than one way of looking at things. We don't live in a black and white world. They are many, many shades of grey.

_RANT OVER..................._

Take care,
EI


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Empty Inside said:


> You know what guys.... No matter what any of us think bobka's *wife deserves,* it shouldn't be nearly as important to us, right now, as what *bobka needs.* And, right now, he needs to be met where he is. ... There isn't one clear cut path to reconciliation or divorce.


You are correct. Bobka needs what he needs. I just disagree on what he needs. He has stated that he wants to reconcile at all costs. The irony is, that attitude makes reconciliation more difficult. We have seen on this board, many times, that the inevitable shame and financial difficulty that divorce presents can cause a WS to reconsider and recommit to the marriage. I have never seen any threads where a BS accepted the blame for his wife's affair, just loved her through it, let her get it out of her system, and was rewarded by a loyal spouse at the end of it all.

Personally, I don't think that's cruel. Perhaps his marriage can be saved. Perhaps it can't. But, his current approach isn't working. I don't think it's cruel to tell him that it won't work. I also don't think it's cruel to tell him that, in five years, he will probably be happier as a divorced man with self-respect than living as a cuckold. If I'm wrong, there are many pro-cuckold forums on the internet. Other men will welcome him into the brotherhood with open arms. And I wish him luck. But this is not a pro-cuckolding forum.



Empty Inside said:


> I have to wonder if there might be so many bitter BS's on TAM because they have a "my way or the highway" mentality and refuse to accept that there is more than one way of looking at things. We don't live in a black and white world. They are many, many shades of grey.


I think the BS's are bitter because of the betrayal they've suffered. There are few things that can wound one as deeply as one's spouse cheating. So, I think the answer is simply that. I don't really think that a more nuanced view of right and wrong is the right prescription for that kind of wound. Shades of grey do exist. But right and wrong are sometimes absolute and immutable.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Empty Inside said:


> _RANT OVER..................._
> 
> Take care,
> EI


I appreciate your sentiment. But, Im afraid you couldn't be more wrong about this. 

My opinion is not based on any sort of bitterness, anger or hurt. It comes down to simple human behavioral modification. As cold and callous as that sounds, All behaviors are born of a motivation to avoid pain or gain pleasure. 

Modification of the perceived cost/benefit of any behavior is what insures that a person does not easily repeat a behavior that they obviously found extremely stimulating and pleasurable at one point. Risk MUST outweigh reward, therefore potential pain must outweigh the percieved pleasure they could gain. 

This simple explanation of why your 'soft approach' is futile doesn't even begin to explore the psychological impact of infidelity and the fallout... 

I could debate this in great depth and not because this approach was successful for me personally. Quite the opposite actually. I have no regets though, I feel like I did what gave me and my marriage the best chance at _sustained_ success. 

Something that most people who come here for advice don't want to hear or accept is that regardless what you do and how you do it the overwelming probablity is that after infidelity your marriage is over and it's just a matter time. 

Sure there are exceptions to everything, and there are many ways to skin a cat... But, regardless how you choose to do it, the skin has to come off.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

bobka said:


> Well, thank God you are here!
> 
> By the way, I was hoping that someone might get that my post is kinda allegorical. There's a lot about marriage that can't be easily chucked - not belongings at all, but all that has made your marriage what it is.


So, allegorically speaking, where do you suppose your allegorical belongings are when your significant other decides to step out of the marriage that was all built up? It was pretty easily chucked, wasn't it? And for what? Next to nothing in the grand scheme, absolutely nothing. Literally chucking some of their stuff on the lawn would be an effective way to hammer the point home, because usually, the Wayward has not got a clue what the implications are of there actions.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> You know what guys.... No matter what any of us think bobka's *wife deserves,* it shouldn't be nearly as important to us, right now, as what *bobka needs.* And, right now, he needs to be met where he is. He's in a tremendous amount of pain and this mob mentality is unhelpful and downright cruel. I know you think you're helping, but you're not. Who knows if what you're saying is right or not. But, if he can't hear the message, because the messenger is hell bent on delivering it with an AK47, then how is any of this going to help him. Everyone is not built the same way. Not everyone is a harda$$. If your approach isn't working, then what would be wrong with trying a different approach. And, if that's not your cup of tea, then post somewhere else.
> 
> There isn't one clear cut path to reconciliation or divorce. Some people have a zero tolerance "policy" for any type of an affair, and some need to know that they have tried everything in their power to reconcile the marriage before they're willing to walk away, and some people, for very personal reasons of their own, feel as though they can't walk away. Are they any less deserving of help or at least some kindness and compassion than those who follow the standard TAM advice of do the 180, go dark, throw the WS's $hit on the lawn and file? He can always do that next week, or the week after or 6 months from now, if that's what he determines he needs to do. But, he isn't there, yet. And, he may never be.
> 
> ...


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> You know what guys.... No matter what any of us think bobka's *wife deserves,* it shouldn't be nearly as important to us, right now, as what *bobka needs.* And, right now, he needs to be met where he is. He's in a tremendous amount of pain and this mob mentality is unhelpful and downright cruel. I know you think you're helping, but you're not. Who knows if what you're saying is right or not. But, if he can't hear the message, because the messenger is hell bent on delivering it with an AK47, then how is any of this going to help him. Everyone is not built the same way. Not everyone is a harda$$. If your approach isn't working, then what would be wrong with trying a different approach. And, if that's not your cup of tea, then post somewhere else.
> 
> There isn't one clear cut path to reconciliation or divorce. Some people have a zero tolerance "policy" for any type of an affair, and some need to know that they have tried everything in their power to reconcile the marriage before they're willing to walk away, and some people, for very personal reasons of their own, feel as though they can't walk away. Are they any less deserving of help or at least some kindness and compassion than those who follow the standard TAM advice of do the 180, go dark, throw the WS's $hit on the lawn and file? He can always do that next week, or the week after or 6 months from now, if that's what he determines he needs to do. But, he isn't there, yet. And, he may never be.
> 
> ...


There is no gray, thats just enabling. 

Someone cheats their ass needs to be on the chopping block, period. If not then the BS can't make the assurances he needs to R. So many marriages don't do the my way or the highway, they try compromise after an affair. 

Early compromise leads to rugsweep, rugsweep leads to false R/repeat affair.

I understand you have your opinion, and I respect that, but it does not work for many marriages. And most of the demand stems from the BS's pain, that no one who hasn't been cheated on can ever understand.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We are successfully R'ing and the very first thing I did when I found out what he was up to was kick him out. I don't understand why kicking them out or putting their stuff on the lawn or whatever has to mean the end of your relationship. What it is is a VERY clear message that you will NOT put up with their BS any longer. What they do with that is up to them, and gives you a pretty good idea whether they're actually remorseful or not. IT WORKS. And I know I'm not the only one on here that it's worked for.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

They don't literally mean all her stuff LOL!

Just some clothes and maybe a toothbrush that you've rinsed in the toilet. Oh and the sexy undies she doesn't wear for you.

ETA: HOPE: your avatar is FREAKING me out. I want to shower and wash all my bedding when I see it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

that_girl said:


> ETA: HOPE: your avatar is FREAKING me out. I want to shower and wash all my bedding when I see it.


I could have used this one but I wasn't sure it was allowed










Sorry, back to your regularly scheduled programming.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Yes, before the cheating it is black and white. Nothing good comes from the choice to indulge oneself and cheat. It takes any situation and makes it so very much worse. The grey, well that comes after, in trying to untangle the mess that's left, and piece your life back together. Speaking ad a BS. I imagine there's lots of grey for the WS after too, unless they're mentally ill.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Kasler said:


> There is no gray, thats just enabling.
> 
> Someone cheats their ass needs to be on the chopping block, period. If not then the BS can't make the assurances he needs to R. So many marriages don't do the my way or the highway, they try compromise after an affair.
> 
> ...


How have things ended up for you?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

bobka said:


> How have things ended up for you?


After 4 and half months of false R. After 4 and a half months of suffering panic attacks with an apathetic spouse, and 3 months of paranoid thoughts and obsessively checking her glovebox once in the morning and once in the night for a 2nd cellphone eventhough I knew it was empty, I finally broke up with her. 

Did I go into depression? Yes

Do I regret it? No

Because I am currently with a wonderful and beautiful woman who I can unconditionally trust and love. She is also the mother of my nearly 2 year old son. :smthumbup:

Thats the thing about R. I didn't R because I realized I'd never trust my ex fiance again. after 4 months or so of being a warden(and my sister knocking some sense into me), I had enough. 

If you R, that trust ceiling is always gonna be there and you're gonna have to accept that. That maybe not too often, but you will be looking over your shoulder cause you know EXACTLY what shes capable of. 

That vacation, that was her trying on a glove. 

Didn't fit this time, but whose to say one won't fit in the future? 

If so, where does that leave you? 

She can say shes remorseful and sorry and all that lip service, but at the end of the day, if she truly was theres no way she'd have flown off to meet OM.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bobka, I know it's not the point of this particulat thread.
Has your wife expresed her desire to R?
Has your wife sent the NC letter?
Has your wife provided her paswords?
Has you wife disclosed the affiar to your satisfaction?
Do your wife regret the affair?
Do you wife express some empathy towards you?

I fear the answer to all the above is NO. I fear because you have been asked it in several of your threads but you simply ignored the questions. Because you doubt whether 180 is always appropiate, therefore you know the situation requires it.

It's true you can't always put your spouse in the street, pack her stuff un garbage bags and send her to the OM along with the emotional baggage and the story if the relationship.
Still without remorse there's no hope. Here is when you can't find grey areas.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm sorry. Just read your other thread. You answered some of the questions.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Bobka,

I understand that my statements are going to be blocked out, ignored or filed in your head as 'you don’t understand'... I know that's how this works. Ive been there. As strange as it maybe, I'm built to need to understand things so, aside from direct experience, I've spent an unhealthy amount of time studying the psychology and physiology of this specific event your living through. I do understand.

I'm not going to be aggressive, abrasive or offensive and im not going to bother getting frustrated or imploring you to see or understand. I’m sure you’re accustomed to that approach; you’ve likely gotten exactly that from countless people that have replied to your threads. They desperately want to help save you from what we all learned the hard way. But, it’s futile. You can't understand and that's not your fault. 

I haven't read your other thread, and as you find out someday I don't need to. All that is happening both on your W's side, as well as yours is scripted. There are no exceptions or justifications to what has happened, only rationalizations. Individual details that you cling to in order to make sense of what’s happening and pursue your brain's prime directive. Prevent uncoupling. Again, there are strong physiological reasons for this. 

What I will tell you, the advice you’re getting although it’s difficult to understand and even more difficult to digest gives you the single best chance of sustained, successful reconciliation of your marriage. What has happened to you, your wife and your marriage goes to the furthest extreme of the human emotional scale. You can’t begin to know the residual effects this will have on both of you. 

If you want true reconciliation, a lifelong healing of your marriage then like it or not, you’re going to have to step outside your comfort zone and do what feels completely counter intuitive to you right now. In short, there must be consequences for her actions and you have to be willing to walk away from this if you hope to save it. There really are no exceptions. 

Good luck and best wishes brother, Im sorry your here.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

I'm curious to know your story. Can you send me a link to any posts that would give me some background on what you've been through yourself?

By the way, I am sorry I am here, too. I appreciate your psychological assessment, and know that on some level you would like to help. Perhaps what is percieved as my lack of understanding is that I'm just a different kind of person than the typical poster here. There are a lot of people damaged and abused, and that comes out as bitterness a lot of times. That part, I understand. But what I'm looking for is not so much sympathy, but empathy.

I am now damaged and abused, too, but too hurting to see everything with clarity - I admit that freely. Many posters who give me the hard line; have they reconciled, or moved on? If either, I'd like to hear how they got there, and I don't get a lot of that. I'm looking for stories, not formulae.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> We are successfully R'ing and the very first thing I did when I found out what he was up to was kick him out. I don't understand why kicking them out or putting their stuff on the lawn or whatever has to mean the end of your relationship. What it is is a VERY clear message that you will NOT put up with their BS any longer. What they do with that is up to them, and gives you a pretty good idea whether they're actually remorseful or not. IT WORKS. And I know I'm not the only one on here that it's worked for.


As a fWW, I have to say this was quite eye-opening for me. On DDay, my husband told me to pack a bag and get out. I went to my parents' house for roughly 2 months. Not fun to be 34 and living with Mom & Dad, especially when Mom & Dad are pretty damn pissed with you about screwing up your marriage to a great man. 

My husband has allowed me back in the house and I have been here since early August, but my husband is still on the fence of whether we will truly R. I hope more than anything that we do. 

I hope that you can too, Bobka. But I too think you have to really show your wife you are serious about not putting up with this every again before the two of you can really have a shot.

Good luck to you.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

ChangingMe said:


> As a fWW, I have to say this was quite eye-opening for me. On DDay, my husband told me to pack a bag and get out. I went to my parents' house for roughly 2 months. Not fun to be 34 and living with Mom & Dad, especially when Mom & Dad are pretty damn pissed with you about screwing up your marriage to a great man.
> 
> My husband has allowed me back in the house and I have been here since early August, but my husband is still on the fence of whether we will truly R. I hope more than anything that we do.
> 
> ...


Do you and your husband still love each other? The R will depend a lot on that, right? 

My wife knows that this would not be acceptable. We had a lengthy convo the other night where I quizzed her about circumstances that would bring her to looking again. Evidently, this attraction had been "festering" for a very long time and came to a head. She had found the guy attractive from a distance, but after being around him for a couple of weeks, she realized that who she wanted was me, not him. 

I've gotten a lot of responses about being the #2 man here, but what it turns out to be is that I am, in the end, the #1. I may have been #2 for 2 weeks. That I will have to learn to live with, that and knowing that she cannot be allowed to go looking again.

Anyhow, more about you. Where are you and your husband on things today?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bobka, did you ever gave her the list of conditions?
What of your conditions are not met yet?
If you were to adress the level of remorse, what is pissing you off to consider to keep the 180?
Do you have evidence? Are you still snooping?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

bobka said:


> I'm curious to know your story. Can you send me a link to any posts that would give me some background on what you've been through yourself?


Yes, there is an thread I wrote detailing my story.. I believe it's still here... The title was 'not coping - analysis paralysis' or something like that. If you were to click my name over there.. I think you'll find 'threads started by option' for something like that... dig around. You'll find my story for what it's worth.



bobka said:


> Perhaps what is percieved as my lack of understanding is that I'm just a different kind of person than the typical poster here.


We all are or were Bobka. 



bobka said:


> There are a lot of people damaged and abused, and that comes out as bitterness a lot of times. That part, I understand. But what I'm looking for is not so much sympathy, but empathy.


It's good that your not looking for sympathy, you'll get none from me. Empathy, you'll get in buckets. Many of us understand clearly what your feeling right now. That empathy is born of experience and from experience we know we aren't doing you any favors by walking on eggshells or giving you the slightest 'benefit of the doubt' window to jump through on this alternate approach to saving your marriage.



bobka said:


> Many posters who give me the hard line; have they reconciled, or moved on? If either, I'd like to hear how they got there, and I don't get a lot of that. I'm looking for stories, not formulae.


You'll find a mix. But, most of the people here are _you_. Not you now, but you _tomorrow_. I say that figuratively...

There was a loose analogy I gave once which might make sense...

Once you have been through the brutal trauma of infidelity and your eyes have been opened everything is so clear... 

Then you see other people come and tell thier stories time after time after time and your sad for them, they just can't see it or they dont want to see it... You see the hurt and confusion in the words that they say, you see whats coming and we try to help but they are so overwelmed by pain, denial, and rationalizations, they just can't listen...

It's like in a dream.. watching confused, scared, blind people wandering out into the road and desperately turning in circles, disoriented and unable to get out of the road... you see the truck coming, you know they are about to get run down and we are all here screaming for them, PLEASE OVER HERE!!! Get out of the road!!! They hear you, but cant understand what your saying... A few are able to stagger away just enough to miss getting completely run down, but most just cant move... Then later, the people that get run down somehow appear on the side of the road with the group... screaming for the next group of blind people that stagger into the road... trying so hard to save them from the pain of that truck...


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> We are successfully R'ing and the very first thing I did when I found out what he was up to was kick him out. I don't understand why kicking them out or putting their stuff on the lawn or whatever has to mean the end of your relationship. What it is is a VERY clear message that you will NOT put up with their BS any longer. What they do with that is up to them, and gives you a pretty good idea whether they're actually remorseful or not. IT WORKS. And I know I'm not the only one on here that it's worked for.


:iagree:

yep. worked for me, too.
while she was out one day;
first, i piled all of her clothes and shoes up in the foyer. ALL of them.
then i placed all of our wedding pictures on top of the pile.
then i placed all of our family pictures on the pile.
then i placed the deleted text messages that i hacked from her iphone backup that the POSOM and she sent to one another ('neaky 'neaky thats how i found out what was REALLY goin on during our false R), and emails from a secret account that i was apparently too dumb to find out about (whoops).
then i placed my wedding ring on the top of them.

the choice was very clear. THIS. or ME. decide. RIGHT NOW.
she understood. and it opened her eyes.
we are in our 4th month of a REAL reconciliatuion.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I just read your other thread.

Sorry brother, you don't have the will to stop this from happening. No one can help you, your going to have to take this journey and learn for yourself. At least buckle your seatbelt and try to protect yourself as best you can, this is going to get ugly.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

bobka said:


> Do you and your husband still love each other? The R will depend a lot on that, right?
> 
> Anyhow, more about you. Where are you and your husband on things today?


I still very much love him. He loves me too, but a lot of times that is buried under his anger and pain. I think my A has affected the love he has for me, but there is clearly some still there or I wouldn't be back in our house and our bed. 

You ask how things are today. It changes day to day. Sometimes I think for sure that we will be able to make it and work through this. Other times, I will be at work and hear a car door slam, and I will feel a panic that it will be someone dropping off divorce papers. For the most part, I feel like we are surviving. Not doing well, but surviving. I hope someday I can say that we are truly in R and will come out stronger. 

I really do wish you the best, Bobka, and I know people are being harsh with you. But I too have concerns that you are letting your wife slide, and that you will find yourself hurt again.

Not sure if you know my story, but my husband discovered my EA, confronted me, but sorta rugswept it, and did not demand NC. OM and I stayed away from each other for a while, but then he visited me at work, and the EA started again, progressing to a PA. It wasn't until that was caught and I clearly saw that I was about to lose my husband and family that I woke up and realized what a huge mistake I had made. I'm afraid that if your wife doesn't get a similar wake-up call, then there is a much higher potential of her getting into another A. 

Take care of yourself, Bobka. You deserve to be treated well.


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