# My Husband does not want sex and it's driving me crazy!!!



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We have been through a very rough time. Almost got divorced. We were seperated at the end of August 2011 until he moved back in new years weekend. We started emailing towards the end of October and seeing each other again in November. We have had sex since he has moved back in and gone on a reconsilstion vacation where we had sex several times. He had an affair during the seperation that he tried to keep secret. I found out in mid december. 

Before seperation the sex was infrequent, but it was very good. He was usually always the one to initiate and he liked it rough and many positions. He was more adventurous than me too. I was more shy I would say, but I did always flirt with him and hint that I wanted sex.

Now he says he doesn't want sex and doesn't want me to talk about it. He is stressed now with many life changes. We are getting ready to move out of state for the first time ever. He's nervous about many things. 

My problem is I can't stop thinking about sex!!! It's been more than 3 weeks of no sex now. While on our vacation I could have done it every day!! 
Before seperation he also seemed to talk about BJs often. I'm not sure if it was joking or not. He would take his hand and put my hand on him. Now he's very very reserved. 

Now I want to experiment with giving him BJs. I have given him before early in the relationship. I've never given anyone a BJ, but him. So now I want to give him oral really badly and he is sexually reserved!!

We are going to MC and sex has come up. The last counseling session he said he wanted me to stop talking about sex, that he didn't want it because he's too stressed. The counselor asked him if he at least held me and he said he did. So I guess holding me is the same as sex to him.


I want to do so much more. I want to dress in crochless body stockings, like we used to do years ago. 


I don't know how I'm supposed to just stop thinking about sex. I'm going nuts!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

My personal and _*wildly speculative guess*_ is that he does not trust you sexually.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I almost wonder if it's guilt he feels. Since he did have an affair, he may be having a hard time getting the events of that affair out of his head when he's intimate with you.

Still this is a stab in the dark, hopefully counselling turns something up.

Don't want to stir up trouble but is there any chance he's still having an affair?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Does he suffer from ocassional ED (erectile dysfunction)?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

chaos said:


> Does he suffer from ocassional ED (erectile dysfunction)?


He's never been diagnosed with ED. Before seperation I thought he might have ED though because several times he would loose erections at times, not Everytime though. It was pretty infrequent. I've learned from our reconsilstion vacation that I can get him hard in a matter of 3-5 minutes if he lets me. During our vacation he never came to me wanting sex already hard. so I don't think he has ED at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> He's never been diagnosed with ED. Before seperation I thought he might have ED though because several times he would loose erections at times, not Everytime though. It was pretty infrequent. I've learned from our reconsilstion vacation that I can get him hard in a matter of 3-5 minutes if he lets me. During our vacation he never came to me wanting sex already hard. so I don't think he has ED at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



An erection starts in the mind. Stress, anxiety are all boner killers. 

Fear and arousal both originate in the para-sympathetic part of the brain and fear will override and turn off arousal.

So once a guy knows he is having an issue getting erect and is nervous about getting hard, because it is embarassing to most men, then that would be a sure fire boner killer.

He then associates negative feelings with it, making it harder to get hard the next time.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> An erection starts in the mind. Stress, anxiety are all boner killers.
> 
> Fear and arousal both originate in the para-sympathetic part of the brain and fear will override and turn off arousal.
> 
> ...


Maybe that is a big part of it. I'm feeling a bit cheated by him because I'm a giver and he is constantly gettIng massages from me. I get not much in return and I can't say no even though I do try to say no. I tell him that I don't get anything in return. I tell him I'd like a rub down or a special massage or even that he could use my vibrator on me. 

He is very stressed right now with an upcoming move and so am I, but I guess I show stress in a different way. 

One thing I don't understand though..,,if stress is a boner killer than why could he have an affair during our seperation? I'm having a hard time getting over that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Browncoat said:


> I almost wonder if it's guilt he feels. Since he did have an affair, he may be having a hard time getting the events of that affair out of his head when he's intimate with you.
> 
> Still this is a stab in the dark, hopefully counselling turns something up.
> 
> Don't want to stir up trouble but is there any chance he's still having an affair?


I wonder if he feels guilt too. He doesn't talk about the affair at all really, ever since he came out in December and told me he betrayed me. We text all night the night he confessed. He seemed very very ashamed and said now I knew why he was acting so weird. Now he basically blames me for him having the affair. Like why didn't I talk to him? Why did I have to work so hard to have him served with divorce? Why didn't I just give him another chance and talk to him when he was begging me to talk? 

It's like he wishes I did those things so much, so that he would have never had the affair and do much crap would never have happened. He has not said it in those words though.

I look back and I wish I would have answered his texts, I wish I talked to him the day he came over to get more of his stuff...,,all this before he decided to look online for a new relationship
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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

U could be writing my story. I hope you get advice.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

bellamaxjoy said:


> U could be writing my story. I hope you get advice.


Good to know I'm not alone
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Brown: I doubt he's still having the affair. He's with me almost contantly and he never gets weird phone calls or texts. He is not secretive with his phone or his computer
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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

did you neglect him sexually for years?

if so resentment,guilt,anger sorrow,stress.

thats a lot.

try to suduce him. don't think i would turn down an enthuastic BJ


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## iGuy (Apr 23, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> We have been through a very rough time. Almost got divorced. We were seperated at the end of August 2011 until he moved back in new years weekend. We started emailing towards the end of October and seeing each other again in November. We have had sex since he has moved back in and gone on a reconsilstion vacation where we had sex several times. He had an affair during the seperation that he tried to keep secret. I found out in mid december.
> 
> Before seperation the sex was infrequent, but it was very good. He was usually always the one to initiate and he liked it rough and many positions. He was more adventurous than me too. I was more shy I would say, but I did always flirt with him and hint that I wanted sex.
> 
> ...


With ALL DUE respect, I can almost not believe it is a WOMAN writing this. Being in such a cold, sexless marriage, reading posts like these just blow my mind!

Good luck though, I feel your pain!!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

iGuy said:


> With ALL DUE respect, I can almost not believe it is a WOMAN writing this. Being in such a cold, sexless marriage, reading posts like these just blow my mind!
> 
> Good luck though, I feel your pain!!


LOL!! You made me laugh!! My husband reminds me of a woman sometimes, lol!!

He is very effectionate too me, but not too much sexual. It's like he doesn't want to start something. He says he has a lot on his mind. I can't wait for these huge life changes to be over!! We are supposed to move out of state next week!! We are less than 6 months into reconsilstion so life changes are even more difficult at this time.

Also I want to be much more open with him and do things that I was shy to do before or had little desire. Right now I'm saving it all up because I don't want him to get upset that I'm talking about sex a lot.
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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Slip some Viagra in his coffee. It's that or get a toy.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I do have a toy, but there's not much alone time I get. I have to slip upstairs to the bathroom. After a long while a toy csn only do so much
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

How about a sex therapist? You shouldn't have to live your life like that. Does he at least give you affection? Hugging, cuddling, kissing?


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

I don't know if this will help or not, but my wife and I didn't have sex for ten years... and we're still together. *allows a moment for everyone to pull their chins back up* There was a reason for this and it had to do with a medication... her medication. While she was on this drug she didn't want anyone in close contact with her, she didn't want to be _touched_, let alone anything else. So I had learned to turn off whatever physical needs I might have had. To me, that's all they were, just physical urges that had little to do with our ongoing lives. 

Last year, her Doctor found a alternative approach to her issue and she stopped taking that med. Three months later all those physical desires surfaced with _gusto_... but my body... was pretty much still in the off position. 

It's been quite awkward, I do not physically feel anything at all like I used to, and the more she comes on to me... the more I seem to shrink away. 

So I don't know exactly what to say, except that the stress that I feel now is only compounded things three fold. I think (?) it's just going to take time for everyone to _relax_ and be themselves again.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hopefull363 said:


> How about a sex therapist? You shouldn't have to live your life like that. Does he at least give you affection? Hugging, cuddling, kissing?


My close girl pal has suggested a sex therapist. I'm hoping things will get better once we move out of state and get settled. My Husband may be feeling guilt from what he did as others have suggested. So I'm hoping a while new environment helps. Maybe also since the ***** lives in the same town as us, it's not only difficult for him, but me too.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

MrVanilla said:


> I don't know if this will help or not, but my wife and I didn't have sex for ten years... and we're still together. *allows a moment for everyone to pull their chins back up* There was a reason for this and it had to do with a medication... her medication. While she was on this drug she didn't want anyone in close contact with her, she didn't want to be _touched_, let alone anything else. So I had learned to turn off whatever physical needs I might have had. To me, that's all they were, just physical urges that had little to do with our ongoing lives.
> 
> Last year, her Doctor found a alternative approach to her issue and she stopped taking that med. Three months later all those physical desires surfaced with _gusto_... but my body... was pretty much still in the off position.
> 
> ...


Mr. Vanilla : that's sounds rough!! I'm not sure I can turn off my needs. I'm trying to think of a way. In my circumstance though the longer we don't have sex, the more I see my Husband with his affair partner. I wish I could just cool myself down, but I have not found a way other than when I'm in physical pain I'm not wanting sex at all. Basically I want to relive our whole entire sex life. Everything seems to be on hold right now because we are in the middle of moving out of state. I try to understand his stress. I know I'm stressed too, but I've always wanted to deal with stress with sex. 

I know his stress is not bring helped by not knowing where we will live. We are trying to rent a house before we file for bankrupcy. If we are forced to rent a house after we file then we have to figure out where we can live for the next 4 months because no one will rent to us while we are in bankrupcy. 

I just wish this time in our life would hurry up and get over so we can live again snd we can heal from the infedility
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'd like to second a sex therapist. We started going to one a few weeks back and it's made a difference.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Browncoat said:


> I'd like to second a sex therapist. We started going to one a few weeks back and it's made a difference.


Brown: 
I'm glad your situation is improving. I think before mine can improve I need to wait to get past this stressful time.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> Hi blueskies,
> 
> A long long time ago I was really into my career and really stressed,
> the wife told me I went almost 3 months without wanting Sex.
> ...


I really got a smile from myself out of your post!! Thanks!!
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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Blue,

Could this be tied to a desire for a mild form of "hysterical bonding?" Post-affair, this is when spouse wants to "mark their territory" sexually speaking and thus have an increased desire for their wayward spouse.

Don't know what the answer is. But, if you can identify its source, it may help you to deal better. 

Could you plan a hotel weekend getaway either before your move or right after? Tell him you want to sex him up to relieve his stress. Good luck.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

MarriedTex said:


> Blue,
> 
> Could this be tied to a desire for a mild form of "hysterical bonding?" Post-affair, this is when spouse wants to "mark their territory" sexually speaking and thus have an increased desire for their wayward spouse.
> 
> ...


I think your tight that it is hysterical bonding or at least partly Because of that. Before our seperation we were basically sexless. Once every 3 months actually. I don't want to fall into the same pattern again. 

I also feel that my repressed desires have been let out of the closet do to speak. I've always loved sex, but realize I failed some of his pushy requests. Now I'm wanting to experiment on him. 

What does not help the situation is that he does talk about sex all daylong in a joking suggestive manner.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Last night my husband and I massaged each other. We bought a little hand held vibrating massager. I massaged my Husband first and I made it totally non sexual, that's what I thougt he wanted. My husband then massaged me, which I was very surprised because this is the first time he has returned the favor. Well my Husband made my massage a bit sexual. He's never done this before, using the massager as a vibrator. He did an ok job, but didn't let me finish my orgasm. The look on his face did say he was enjoying watching me and he was enjoying giving me pleasure in this way. I think if he did not have so much on his mind he would have finished me off himself. I wish he had, but this is a start. I did want to experienment with him using my own vibrator on me. I'm pretty sure I have hinted to him on joining me when I do use my vibrator.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Last night my husband and I massaged each other. We bought a little hand held vibrating massager. I massaged my Husband first and I made it totally non sexual, that's what I thougt he wanted. My husband then massaged me, which I was very surprised because this is the first time he has returned the favor. Well my Husband made my massage a bit sexual. He's never done this before, using the massager as a vibrator. He did an ok job, but didn't let me finish my orgasm. The look on his face did say he was enjoying watching me and he was enjoying giving me pleasure in this way. I think if he did not have so much on his mind he would have finished me off himself. I wish he had, but this is a start. I did want to experienment with him using my own vibrator on me. I'm pretty sure I have hinted to him on joining me when I do use my vibrator.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I recommend droping the hinting and just asking him. It sounds like he is open to giving you some pleasure, but may need to be encouraged. Have him give you a massage then ask him to finish you off. No pressure on him to do anything but use the vibrator on you. It may help him in both getting excited and reminding him that you are a sexual being.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I recommend droping the hinting and just asking him. It sounds like he is open to giving you some pleasure, but may need to be encouraged. Have him give you a massage then ask him to finish you off. No pressure on him to do anything but use the vibrator on you. It may help him in both getting excited and reminding him that you are a sexual being.


I think you might be right. Next time I might just tell him that I need to take my shorts off for him to have better access. I think I also could use that massaging session as a reminder to him...can you give me a special massage again?...kind of thing
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## Neena 27 (May 4, 2012)

Husbands just want sex all the time..........
If they dont want maens something wrong................
May be you are not attractive in his eyes
I had opposite problem...........he always wanted too much...
Any way all the best


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