# So many things..confused..hurt



## wilkins44 (Mar 17, 2011)

There has been so much going on. Even my friends and family each know different parts of the story, I don't think anyone knows everything that has happened.
My husband told me a few weeks ago that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or his ex girlfriend. Him and her have 2 kids together, 8 and 5. We have a child together who is 1 1/2. We met 3 years ago up north and then moved 1600 miles together and started our life together in a new town and a new state. This move happened about 6 months after we met. A year later we were married. 
In the time that we moved to our new town we both found good jobs, we had a baby, we bought a house. We did gain a lot of debt before my husband was able to get the good job he has now, and we are in the process of paying it all down. 
He just sprung this whole being in love with her on me about 2 weeks ago. He tells me that he doesn't know who he wants to be with. She has been forthcoming and has told me that he has hurt her too much in the past and she does not want to be with him again. (Back story...she lives in a different state than we do.) He continously sends her messages on her phone, on facebook etc. telling her that he wants to be with her and he loves her and that him and I are getting a divorce, etc. She hasn't responded with anything other than she wants him and I to work things out because he is doing better with me than he's ever done his whole life. 
I don't know if I am stupid for trusting that what she's saying is the truth. I figure that she has nothing to lose. If she wants him, she would tell me that, and then at that point I would just give up keeping my husband. What does she have to gain by saying that she doesn't want to be with him?
When I saw the last message that he had sent her telling her that he wants to be with her and only her, I told told him to get out of our house. I was angry. Since then he has moved into our spare room and is saying that we're seperated. He says that he's confused and he needs to go to counseling to figure out why he self sabotages everything that is going good for him. I have tried to talk to him and tell him that I love him and that I will be by his side while he goes to counseling to figure things out. That he shouldn't go through this alone, but he is still insistant on this being 'seperated'. Honestly, we live in the same house, we make dinner together, we watch tv together. The only thing is that he sleeps in the spare room. I don't understand what is going on.
Many people have told me to just kick him out. Honestly, that's hard to do when you're A. so emotionally invested in someone and B. so financially invested with someone. As I said before, we just bought a house and we have a lot of debt. The mortgage is in my name with my parents because he has bad credit that we are working on rebuilding and it would have hurt our interest rate. Most of the credit cards were just in my name (until I added his to them recently). There is no way I can make these monthly payments on just my paychecks alone. That makes it hard as well. 
I don't understand why he needs to be seperated. It makes no sense to me. He told me that he loves me, and he can't say that he wants to leave me, because part of him doesn't want to. 
I just don't know what I should do.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Is he willing to go to counseling? You might need him to do a non-contact with her. You might need to check out the infidelity section of the site too.



> He says that he's confused and he needs to go to counseling to figure out why he self sabotages everything that is going good for him.


 He's right. All you can do is wait. 

I'm not really sure how you should handle this. He needs to either be devoted to you or leave. You can't just keep this up.


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