# don't know who I married



## veryconfuzed (Apr 29, 2014)

Hi. I would make this as short as possible.

My husband and I almost divorced. We met online. It was really a fast marriage because we wed within only 2 months of dating.

He made it clear he does not want kids. I want kids but because I love him, I agreed to what he wants.

2 months into marriage, condom broke. It's our only birth control. Long story short he didn't talk to me for 3 days after it happened and when he finally did, he just said, we are over.

I was shocked, he does not even know if I really got pregnant and we are already in our 40s, anyway, I left.

Long story short again, I came back. I know now it's because I am stupid. He got vasectomy by the way, that's my condition for coming back to him.

Anyway, we passed our anniversary but it is not harmonious, he really have tempers. I am trying very hard to be understanding.

Until yesterday, I looked at his phone's web history, it was all backpage ads. Most disturbing is he looks at asian, submissive ones. He is American, I'm Asian.

That disturbed me. Prior to that, I saw him looking at craigslist personals, porn. Especially when we were on a break the first time.

Also one night I caught him masturbating to porn in our bed when I was asleep. I woke up and he stopped. Then got angry at me got up and went to the other room where I know, he continued his masturbation.

I let it all go, I was on my period. I honestly would rather he do it that way.

But last night, he was looking at a LOT of backpage ads. I am on my period again. So I ask him if he is a sex and porn addict.

His way of making me shut up is to tell me to leave. Or always say no one is stopping me to leave.

So this time, I really left. I just texted him that he be honest with me because I was a virgin when we married.

I am afraid of STDs. I did ask him before we become intimate to have an STD/AIDS test. He said he got tested 2 yrs, before. 

I believed him. So in my text, I told him I hope he was honest with me and to himself that he really got tested.

I also told him before I left it is unfair to me if he has paid for sex in his life. I told him I will never ever be with anyone who paid for sex.

That's why I left, I don't know if he is telling me the truth. When I ask him why is he looking at those ads. He said "that's who I am".

I now remember when we were dating he said it's easy to get sex. So now I really am mad at myself for marrying someone I haven't known for a long time first.

Also one of our issues is that, we never ever talk. If we ever talk it's mundane things. He never opens up to me.

I also think he is still in love with his ex whom he divorced 16 yrs ago. Even though he said she destroyed him.

He talks about the ex from time to time, to me and to his family, friends.

I don't know if I should remain married to a stranger.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *veryconfuzed said:* I now remember when we were dating he said it's easy to get sex. So now I really am mad at myself for marrying someone I haven't known for a long time first.
> 
> Also one of our issues is that, we never ever talk. If we ever talk it's mundane things. He never opens up to me.
> 
> ...


You indeed Married a complete Stranger... you can not LOVE someone within 2 months, it's not possible...this was purely blinding *infatuation* and what you assumed HE WAS, you wanted him TO BE..... 

If you was my friend, my daughter, my Mother, heck even someone I met on a train....I would Jump to lay out every pit fall that could possibly lay before you, to stir your questioning to learn more about this man .....to not be deceived.... nothing that has transpired in your story would surprise me, given you had no time/ no shared experiences to lean on ..or a healthy foundation built with each other.. to even learn & appreciate each others values, beliefs, deal breakers, personal dreams, communication/ conflict styles......

I think you would be the 1st 40 yr old virgin I have come across on TAM though! 

Given what you have expressed here..how he feels, how you feel...the truth of character coming to light... I really don't see what one can salvage from this one... I am sorry to not be more encouraging...


----------



## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

veryconfuzed said:


> Hi. I would make this as short as possible.
> 
> My husband and I almost divorced. We met online. It was really a fast marriage because we wed within only 2 months of dating.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, unless you want to live like this for the rest of your life, you can't repair or salvage this. There was nothing there to begin with. 

You live and you learn. Granted, this will be a very expensive learning experience (in terms of detaching yourself both emotionally and financially), but now you know why "they" say, "Marry in haste, repent at leisure."


----------



## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Move on. 

This sounds like an awful relationship. You want children then you should have children and so should your partner. 

He blamed you for a broken condom ? He got made at you catching him watching porn in your bed while you were sleeping ? You find him looking at ads for sex ? None of these things are your fault at all and how dare he get mad at you for any of these things.

This is just so sad so if he does end up meeting one of these ad people and you find out he is cheating is he going to blame you also ? Will he also blame you for the STD he gives you ?!?! 

Run away from this man. Simply is right you have no clue who this man is and you just scratched the surface that is looking very ugly.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You don't know who you married because you didn't do your due diligence and took your time to get to know the man prior to making long term commitments.

Next time, do it right.


----------



## veryconfuzed (Apr 29, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> Move on.
> 
> This sounds like an awful relationship. You want children then you should have children and so should your partner.
> 
> ...



He won't reply to my texts and answer my calls. I really am not sure if he paid escorts, he said he didn't. Obviously, now I don't know if I should trust him. 



DoF said:


> You don't know who you married because you didn't do your due diligence and took your time to get to know the man prior to making long term commitments.
> 
> Next time, do it right.


Next time, there will be no more marriage.



SimplyAmorous said:


> You indeed Married a complete Stranger... you can not LOVE someone within 2 months, it's not possible...this was purely blinding *infatuation* and what you assumed HE WAS, you wanted him TO BE.....
> 
> If you was my friend, my daughter, my Mother, heck even someone I met on a train....I would Jump to lay out every pit fall that could possibly lay before you, to stir your questioning to learn more about this man .....to not be deceived.... nothing that has transpired in your story would surprise me, given you had no time/ no shared experiences to lean on ..or a healthy foundation built with each other.. to even learn & appreciate each others values, beliefs, deal breakers, personal dreams, communication/ conflict styles......
> 
> ...


Yeah. his answer 'that's who I am'. Is very telling and very scary. I never want to associate myself with people who pay for sex at all.

I think it's the most disgusting thing anyone can ever do to themselves.

I know he has not paid for sex while we were married because he is always with me if he's not at work.

It's what if he paid for escort when he was single and he was alone for a loooooooong time after the divorce.

So that's what's troubling me.


----------



## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

I think you know you can't trust him at all because this doesn't sound like a marriage where one is faithful since he is looking at ads for sex.


----------



## veryconfuzed (Apr 29, 2014)

We are together again. I told him to get an STD test or I am divorcing him. He got the STD test yesterday and will get result tomorrow online.

Can you really get STD result online. I didn't come with him for the test. But he showed me a needle prick where they got 2 tubes of blood.

I also plan to ask him about the STD test result he said he got before. Before I married him I asked he is willing to get STD test that's when he said he got it 2 yrs before.

I also would want to see the receipt. I ask him if he made the appointment online because I didn't hear making the appointment on the phone. He said yes everything was set up online.

He said if I want to see his bank account so I can see that he paid for the STD test. And I will.

Was I stupid for going back?

He said he never done anything like that or cheating on anybody. He said he just looks at every stupid things online.

I do love him but I don't trust him completely anymore.


----------



## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

What made you go back ? Pride ? fear of failure ? 

What is there to love about him ?

What good has come out of this marriage so far?

You only have listed very negative things so far so you going back is puzzling unless you tell us the other side of your story.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

veryconfuzed said:


> Next time, there will be no more marriage.


Not sure what makes you say that. DO NOT base your "marriage opinion" based on you making mistakes and rushing in/not taking enough time.

Your current marriage is NOT a definition of a healthy/good marriage.

Please don't assume that. You simply don't know what marriage is if proper steps are taken to build a relationship proper.


----------



## veryconfuzed (Apr 29, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> What made you go back ? Pride ? fear of failure ?
> 
> What is there to love about him ?
> 
> ...


I can't say yet why I stayed. But he is doing something for me that will really make my life much better.

To be honest twice that we talked about divorce, I am more afraid how do I start the divorce process. Plus I know the divorce lawyers will be the ones who will be rich and happy while I will be left emotionally and financially drained.

He really is not that bad. The STD test is because he was alone for a loooong time. So I told him if he can look at those sex ads while married to me, what more when he was alone for a long time?

I am very positive he has not paid for sex while married to me because he is always with me when he is not at work. 

My husband has done so much for me aside from that thing that would make my life much better, he does fix my car, he is the sole breadwinner since we had been married. 

So he does take care of me financially. I would be able to work soon. Him fixing my car like the last time he had to fix my steering wheel pump because I can't use the steering wheel he paid for the parts himself and did the labor himself.

He is very handy, he fix broken ANYTHING and I mean anything, house, plumbing, cars, PCs, xbox.

Before we are married he bought me 4 new tires for my car.

Obviously he has a good side. OR I won't stay if I really feel disrespected or unloved.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Could it be that you are simply focusing on his cons vs pros? Sounds like a decent man on this last post. 

Read up on 80/20 relationship rule. Make sure this is NOT what you are currently dealing with (only you can answer that).

As for divorce, if you choose to go that way, the best way to go about it is to sit down with him and figure it all out between yourselves (no lawyers involved).

If you guys can reach a mutual agreement, lawyers don't make out with BOTH of your $$$.


----------



## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

veryconfuzed said:


> I can't say yet why I stayed. But he is doing something for me that will really make my life much better.
> 
> To be honest twice that we talked about divorce, I am more afraid how do I start the divorce process. Plus I know the divorce lawyers will be the ones who will be rich and happy while I will be left emotionally and financially drained.
> 
> ...


Just wondering... but would you stay if he had no money ? It sounds like you are staying because he can do things for you (be handy) and he has money to provide for you. So you like to feel secure in that part of your life.

And I do not see how one can not feel disrespected with what you last told us. You don't find all the things you listed in your first post to be disrespectful to you and your marriage?


----------



## veryconfuzed (Apr 29, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> Just wondering... but would you stay if he had no money ? It sounds like you are staying because he can do things for you (be handy) and he has money to provide for you. So you like to feel secure in that part of your life.
> 
> And I do not see how one can not feel disrespected with what you last told us. You don't find all the things you listed in your first post to be disrespectful to you and your marriage?


He really has not much money, LOL. In fact before we married he said he is not rich. So I said, I KNOW you are not. LOL, I mean we call the place we live in now as sh-ithole. But I told him, I did not marry him for that, I really love him, genuinely.

It is disrespectful. But like the other poster said, I was focusing on the con when I wrote that first post, I was obviously mad at him then. Because he did one of the 3 on my list to divorce him. I really would divorce him had he not got the STD test yesterday. I already told him I will take him to court. I was more than ready to leave him if he did not take that STD test, I told him that.

He apologized, and like I said, he did the test for my peace of mind. He knows how bothered I was.


He did show me his bank account today coz I told him I want to see that he really paid for the STD testing. And yes it is there.

I agree our marriage is not healthy. But we are working on it.


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> He really has not much money, LOL. In fact before we married he said he is not rich. So I said, I KNOW you are not. LOL, I mean we call the place we live in now as sh-ithole. But I told him, I did not marry him for that, I really love him, genuinely.


Forgive me for being blunt but you say you love him and my question is...why?

He doesn't sound like he's focused on you or on your relationship...it sounds like he's focused on himself. And if you don't play ball with exactly what he wants...he's out.

Its pure insanity to base whether you stay in a marriage or not on an STD test.

To me, relationships are pretty simple...you should have a list of goals for yourself and goals as a couple....and if you can't reasonably expect to meet those goals, you leave.

How exactly are you "working" on your marriage? What actions are you taking?



> My husband has done so much for me aside from that thing that would make my life much better, he does fix my car, he is the sole breadwinner since we had been married.
> 
> So he does take care of me financially. I would be able to work soon. Him fixing my car like the last time he had to fix my steering wheel pump because I can't use the steering wheel he paid for the parts himself and did the labor himself.
> 
> ...


sigh....

This isn't a basis for marriage. So he bought you stuff, fixes stuff and you don't work...its disturbing that these are the things that make you enamored to him.

If you use him for financial gain...do you worry about what he's using you for?


----------



## veryconfuzed (Apr 29, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> Forgive me for being blunt but you say you love him and my question is...why?
> 
> He doesn't sound like he's focused on you or on your relationship...it sounds like he's focused on himself. And if you don't play ball with exactly what he wants...he's out.
> 
> ...


Well I'm confused. My reason for marrying is so we can take care of each other. He does take care of me.

I told him, I wanna be married coz I want to be happy, and build a life together with him.

Like I said he does something for me I can't say though. I'd rather keep it private but I can say though, that's my main goal for marrying him.

I told him I have no problem leaving him. So I think I am sensible enough and have common sense enough to leave if I am no longer happy.

Or my goal for marrying him has not been met. For now though my goal is under process.


----------



## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Suggest counseling for him for his porn/sex problem and marriage counseling for the both of you for the way you communicate with each other (how you talk to each other when arguing or one is upset).


----------

