# Asking 100 people with parents out of state



## CBW (Oct 23, 2009)

I am taking a poll...

If you have parents living far away (for us it's his parents) how often do you have to pack up kids, clothes, toys, diapers, snacks, car dvd w/movies, etc to go to visit them?

We lived in Maine by his parents and sisters until I was pregnant with our first baby. Then we moved to Michigan to be near my whole family, including baby's grandparent, great-grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles, 1st-2nd-3rd cousins, etc. and a job. I originally agreed to an annual trip back to Maine but traveling with kids is hard! We went every year when we had one child, then flew his mom here and skipped a trip there because of new baby, then went there again, then didn't one year but had her here again, etc. It's been spotty and he's pissed about that. 

Our kids are only 2,5, and 9 with one more on the way. It was a 13-hour drive through Canada; with new border regulations, we may take Ohio and it'll be about 16-17 hours. I think I'll be strangling someone before we get there! Flying doesn't work out well because $$ plus they can only fit two people in their car and we get stuck doing nothing but exploring the yard the entire time.

I want to just fly his parents here every year (or more if they want and we pay for it) and go to Maine once every three years. We can't even afford a vacation every year, but we're supposed to go to Maine every year. I think it's just ridiculous. He says that people with parents far away visit once a year. I say once every few years- ok three years- should be good.

This is all coming to a head now because I've been planning a trip to Disney World for three years. He's been setting up Maine hoops for me to jump through the whole time. We're supposed to be leaving in a little more than two weeks and he just pulled a new line of crap. It's all because he just wants us to go to Maine if we go anywhere, and anywhere else is not okay (unless it's just him going to visit college friends in Utah without the family- that's ok). 

So, as a second survey, how many think we should just go to Disney without him? He actually fessed up about making me miserable over Disney just because he was using it as leverage for another trip to Maine. It would mean him missing some GREAT memories with the kids, which he doesn't want to miss, but he really just wants us to go to Maine. Again. And again. I hate Maine... well, traveling there, at least.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

We don't live near either of our parents and I can be completely honest when I say that we only go see them when it is planned on for about 6 months. We have been to Washington once to see my family and been to California once to see his parents, and then to Iowa about 4 times to see more of his family. We have two kids, and I agree that plane tickets can make it too expensive. We have the invitation to both of our parents that they are welcome to come see us whenever they like. We are military, so some places they want to come to more than others lol. ( Like when we got stationed in Hawaii. They BOTH came out there LMAO)

If you think you can take the kids and have a wonderful time without him then I say go, but I think part of you might have some mixed feelings about leaving him behind. I don't know if I could go without my husband, it just wouldn't feel complete. But I do think that he needs to be the one to compromise and to go with. Soo many memories and fun things to do that he would miss. Make a deal that if you go to Disney then you will plan a trip to Maine for the next year maybe?


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

I'm sorry but it's time that the MAINE grand parents PAY their own way to see you and your family...NO MORE paying for them to see you....

And YES it's time to do something different...sorry I'm ON yourside...

this is all about what he wants NOT what the family NEEDS TO DO...

family is important but it's time to spread your wings as a family and go have some fun...lol.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You know, the road runs in both directions. On the other hand, is it fair to the kids to be so cutoff from HIS side of the family because it annoys you to drive for 16 hours?

Split the drive into pieces.

It seems to me that it is not the distance, you just don't enjoy where you are going--to visit the in-laws.

Why do I say that? Because you are more than willing to go to Disneyworld--at least as far as going to Maine.

Maybe you can coordinate a trip to Disneyworld and invite the in-laws to come along too?

I can't emphasize too much to you that listing all your extended family in Michigan is not an argument for not visiting the in-laws. Your kids are not just your kids, they are your husband's too.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have two older sisters with kids (three kids each) and they have never flown anywhere to see grandparents, etc. the grandparents have always come to them- but they pay for the ticket. my mom actually moved states so she could live by them. 

i also have another sister who does fly to see grandparents, etc, but they pay for her trip. she only has one kid, though. 

i think its hazy for you because you said you would visit once a year. i think that's probably why your h is pissed and he's probably jealous that your family gets to see the kids all the time. im not saying you should visit, but from his perspective he probably feels deceived.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Paying for someone else's trip seems too much of a bribe. If someone doesn't want to go or can't afford to go, then don't go.

My mother-in-law flies to see us about twice a year, and I hate her as a house guest, but the kids enjoy her company. MIL also has 4 other grandchildren in our city, so it makes more sense for her to get the plane ticket, rather than four of us going to see her. Earlier this year was the first time our two kids flew, and I felt it was a total waste of $1000. It just irritates me that childless adults think it is easy to take kids places. I can't even keep the kids still to have a sitdown dinner at a restaurant. There is no amount of money you can pay me to drive them across the country for 16-17 hours.

I also vote for the Maine parents to accompany you to Disney.


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## CBW (Oct 23, 2009)

michzz,

DH seems to feel like you do- that bringing them here somehow doesn't count. I don't get that. I don't want to cut them out; I just want to bring them here. Wouldn't that be better in terms of them sharing in their gransons' lives? Could you try to make that make sense to me by explaining more please?

Also, we did offer to bring his mom to Disney. She doesn't want to go, but my mom does (to add to the stupid drama).


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## pollyanna03 (Oct 23, 2009)

The Hills Seasons
Weeds Seasons
True Blood Season
those are very good.


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

I lived for 20 years halfway across the country from my family and my in-laws. We would visit at least twice a year... sometimes more (before we had kids). But both our family lives in the same area... so we both felt like we were visiting OUR family.

I say if you agreed to go to Maine once a year, you need to make a concerted effort to keep your end of the bargain. When you're pregnant or have a newborn then you can bow out. I can understand that your husbnd doesn't just want to ship his parents out to you... he wants to show off his kids to everyone in Maine!

As far as Disney, your husband should NOT try to use it as leverage for another Maine trip. But if you're willing to travel to Disney when you're pregnant, then you need to be willing to go to Maine. 

Try to make the trip easier (and more realistic for your husband) by having him really help out with everything... don't take on too much. Check other websites and find out what other moms are doing to make car travel easier.

Also, as another suggestion... is your 9 year old or 5 year old mature enough to go on a special "Daddy Trip" to visit the Maine grandparents by themselves? Perhaps your family could afford 2 plane tickets if Daddy takes them one at a time. It could be a special 10 year old birthday present to each of them.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

CBW said:


> michzz,
> 
> DH seems to feel like you do- that bringing them here somehow doesn't count. I don't get that. I don't want to cut them out; I just want to bring them here. Wouldn't that be better in terms of them sharing in their gransons' lives? Could you try to make that make sense to me by explaining more please?
> 
> Also, we did offer to bring his mom to Disney. She doesn't want to go, but my mom does (to add to the stupid drama).


So what's else is in Maine besides grandparents....sisters, brothers,...friends....that your husband JUST needs to go?

When he gets there What does he do? Leave YOU with the KIDS? Makes you responsible for everything....
Because this isn't really fun for you at all...going to MAINE...
I Honestly feel if you did it for 8 years straight with baby one...come on.... YOU want the family to enjoy other places...
that's my take on it...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

CBW said:


> michzz,
> 
> DH seems to feel like you do- that bringing them here somehow doesn't count. I don't get that. I don't want to cut them out; I just want to bring them here. Wouldn't that be better in terms of them sharing in their gransons' lives? Could you try to make that make sense to me by explaining more please?
> 
> Also, we did offer to bring his mom to Disney. She doesn't want to go, but my mom does (to add to the stupid drama).


Your H wants the kids to experience HIS LIFE in Maine, the whole of it. THEIR grandparents, smelling the air, seeing where he grew up.

I'm positive that you have mass quantities of time and experiences of YOUR LIFE in Wisconsin on like a more than weekly basis.

ONE trip a year to Maine sounds reasonable to me barring illness.

I grew up in a family that ultimately reached 11 kids. We were in Los Angeles and went every summer to visit my paternal grandparents in Colorado, traveling in a VW bus across the desert with no air conditioning. Many times my mom was pregnant too.

We all cherished that time with our grandparents. Fishing with my grandfather, seeing the town where my dad grew up, sliding on the slide he slid on on in the local park as a kid. Yeah, that one trip a year was worth driving 1,000 miles each way to me. 

We spend a lot of time with my mom's side of the family and still do. That's the nature of a lot of families, the wife's side wins out most of the time.

I suspect that this is not a money issue or even a time issue.

You made a deal, respect that. He moved to Wisconsin so you could be connected to your family at a high level. All he asked in return was a visit once a year.


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## CBW (Oct 23, 2009)

This issue has been resolved for the time being. Thanks for your responses. The one about what we do there helped the most- it's not what you thought, but it opened a conversation between us.

Their house is only 650 sf and his father is a freak about his stuff. We go there and do nothing but look for moose outside and keep the kids from his father's stuff because there is nothing and nobody within 45minutes. Except h's sister who invites us for dinner once during each visit and comes over to the overcrowded house the rest of the time. Usually H demands a holiday visit (cold) but last trip we made summer and rented a cottage; it cost a fortune and we spent the whole time doing this cleanup project that needed to be done for years at his parents' property.

The fact is that we pay their taxes every year and I feel taken advantage of. I spend over $1000/yr on them before any trip- it pisses me off to have to spend my limited leisure time and money on them, too. I might budget $1500/yr for Maine and that leaves a trip option every year if his parents pitch in on the taxes. If they don't, then H has to pay the taxes and save a couple years to make a nice trip. When I promised to go to Maine every year, I didn't know I'd be supporting them and I don't like it.

I am trying to honor my promise, but it's not the wedding vow itself. And H was wrong to suck the joy out of a family vaca after we negotiated and I met my end of the bargain. I will hold your info in mind while planning future trips, michzz, but things also need to change. Thanks for all of your input.

I am still interested in how others handle visits to grandparents out of state, where there is no other crap involved like this. I really like the way everyone helps each other out in this forum. Just other opinions, to help sort things out.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

My mom lives in NH and both her grandkids live in CA. Both my sister and I each have taken trips with our kids to see her, about once a year. And about once a year, she will come out here and take turns staying with each of us, usually around Christmas time. 

Honestly, there is little to do at my mom's house in a senior retirement condo community. No pool, no other kids. In the winter, there is not much to do outdoors. So when we do go to visit her, we try to go in the summer when the weather allows us to be outdoors and do fun things. We also schedule in time to visit with other family (cousins, etc) in Massachusetts. My son dreads time at Grandma's because there is nothing to do there (she has no TV either, btw...) for an 8 yr old. So we don't go that often.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My parents are dead, long time now
but when they were alive, I would visit every year or so, when they got older they demanded more and even wanted me to move in with them !
They lived across the country in a cold, destitute city that has no work. That they died before getting sick and making more demands ... I was happy about that as it spared me more suffering to deal with all their issues and requests about me moving.
If I had kids I would maybe not want my kids around them much and not take them with me on trips as it was not an enjoyable trip but one out of duress most of the time, not to mention my parents desire and habits to canvas bars as recreation, getting drunk by noon every day.
It was not a good thing to be around much less put any kids through as it could effect them into wanting to be drunks.... which is why I moved far away, across the country maybe, to get away from them.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

We did WI to Massachusetts once every other year. About the same for WI to FL, traveling in alternate years. If people want to see us more, they come here. My family has traveled to see us more than his, a lot more. 

Vacations that are NOT just visiting family are important, too, but ideally you build some fun into your family travel--stay over night in a new town on the road and limit the driving that day so you can explore. Figure out what is within a short drive from the family home (theirs, yours) and do an outing. Turn a "trapped in the yard" trip into a 3 day camp out, and no electronics. 

Traveling with little ones totally sucks, no matter how you do it. My inlaws refused to childproof, too, so it was exhausting--I kid you not, they kept glass block side tables with sharp edges in the living room. I insisted on covering those with blankets--even my inlaws had cuts from running into the damn things. When one of my sister-in-laws finally had a baby, she made them get rid of the damn things when she visited. Wish my husband had taken that stand--it was a lot easier once my SILs had kids and got the grandparents whipped into shape.


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