# Another sexually frustrated husband!!



## tba1971 (Oct 14, 2009)

My issue may be a little different from most posts. I'll try to sum it up briefly. I'm a stay at home dad and proud of it. I'm a neat freak so I run a tight ship..and my wife claims to love the fact that she comes home to dinner, a clean house and well behaved children. In fact, many stay at home moms I know think I keep house and deal with my kids better than they do and regularly ask me for advice. I do all the cooking (I love to cook) and housework..gladly I might add.

The problem is that my wife and I have mismatched sex drives. In fact, we always have (we had sex once on our honeymoon...and it rained a lot!). So this is really nothing new and I suppose I bear some of the responsibility for "knowing what I was getting". I need to add to that though that we have varying periods in our relationshuip where this hasn't been an issue. I've taken all the standard cookie cutter advice. I've tried to make her feel attractive and been romantic. In fact, I'm as attracted to my wife now as I have ever been. She is hot, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy and I tell her so...and really mean it! I try to set the proper moods. I've bough her sexy lingerie...and more. The problem is that she rejects my every effort. I'm only telling her how beautiful she is because I want sex. I'm only buying her lingerie because I want her to look ****ty and trashy. I'm only romantic because I want sex...etc, etc. She refuses to accept any responsibility for this. Any issue or problem I raise is my fault because I do (add excuse here). She is also the only woman I've ever known that has absolutely no interest in foreplay! Even when we have sex lately, she is clearly uninterested and seems to want it over as soon as possible.

My wife frequently makes "jokes" that I must be gay because I care about my appearance, or because I like wine, or because I'm neat and that it is only a matter of time before I come out of the closet and leave her and the kids. (Trust me, I'm a gay as a 3 dollar bill is legal tender). My wife is a child of divorce and her best friend and closest cousin are divorced so this could have something to do with her "jokes". She also has always had a poor body image, especially after the kids. She is 5'11 and a size 16 (she was a 12-14 when we met 12 years ago). I'm not the man I used to be either...it happens as we get a little older...but I think we both do a great job keeping ourselves in decent shape...and as I said, attraction to my wife is not an issue. I'm hurt, angry, resentful and confused. Does my wife not want to be married to me anymore and is staying just because of the kids? Is she hoping she can drive me to cheat on her so she can justify leaving the "hardworking, loving stay at home dad" so she won't look bad to everyone? Does she just want to join her cousin and best friend in the divorce club? Is she not interested in sex because I don't satisfy her (she insists that isn't the case)? Am I too old...not handsome enough anymore, etc? Does she think I'm less of a man because I'm a stay at home dad and she is the breadwinner? She denies all of this of course...but I don't know what else to do. I think that if this continues, she might just get to join the divorce club after all.

I also need to say that I posted this exact posting on another board and the responses were astounding. The respondents seemed to take the attitude that I am to blame here and that I'm only looking for someone to tell me what is wrong with my wife. I know that we love each other very much....I just don't know what else I can do to make this better. I've done all that she has asked and still nothing. I'm tired of hearing that I'm the problem. I suspect that people,s attitudes towards this may be related to certain stay at home dad stereotypes. When I see women post the same feeling people seem to fall all over themselves to lend her some insight. Am I just clueless and this is all about me?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I for one, do not buy into the SAHD stereo-types...my H is the most awesome stay at home Dad to our two boys. Parenting is NOT easy, no matter WHO the parent is at home, and any man that is willing to do the job, I commend. Raising kids is THE most important job in the world. Could it be that your wife is a bit lost in how to handle the role reversal? I know that sometimes I feel guilty because I am away from my boys so much, especially now, when our 4 year old is going thru some sort of seperation anxiety concerning me. Is she concerned about being able to provide for the family, or the security of her job? Those stresses can hurt some people's libido....not mine though. Nothing to me like a good session to make me quit worrying about the petty things. 

Her comments about you being in the closet because of how you manage things, those are unacceptable. My H is too ADD to really be Mr. Martha Stewart at home, but he is a decorating whiz, takes good care of his appearance, and is pretty in tune with my feelings. I would NEVER even tease him about being gay...to me, its emasculating. I'm curious as to whether or not there may be some underlying issues that she is harboring resentment about that she has not clued you in on.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

Well I think the part where she makes "jokes" about you being gay is a very large indicator of the problem. She doesn't find you manly. She isn't attracted to you at this point.

The fact that you do everything is nice but its not what she wants exactly either.

Be a bit more messy. Be confident, be strong. She sees you like a gay man. She probably doesn't even think you can stand up to her.

Sorry if again I put this back on you like you said happened on other forums but that's how I see it.

I'm sure that she has blame as well so I'm not blaming you but you can't fix her you can only fix you. Make changes in that department and you might be surprised about what happens.


Sexless Marriage? check out the part about "The people pleaser makes a good doormat."


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## tba1971 (Oct 14, 2009)

Thanks for the words of encouragement Mommybean. to answer your questions:

I have no reason to believe that her job is insecure or that she is worried about job security. In fact, she is so good at what she does, the company would have to collapse for her to lose her job.

I am positive that despite her high achieving "career girl" mentality, she wishes she could be "the housewife". So, there is something there for sure.

It is important to note that her parents divorced when she was about 12 and she remained estranged from him until he died when she was in college. There are clearly issues here as well. Truth be told, given her attitude and jokes about me being in the closet, I have considered the possibility that she may herself be in the closet. Let's just say it wouldn't shock me.

All of this stuff is fine and it's ok to have issues. I'm perfectly willing to do all I must to make her happy...especially since I know I don't do everything right either. I love her very much and I really do think she is as beautiful inside and out as she was the day I met her. What is really bothering me is her seeming unwillingness to acknowledge and address these things.


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## tba1971 (Oct 14, 2009)

SJM1983

I thank you for taking the time to reply. However, I refuse to believe that I need to be a slob in order to convince my wife that I am strong, confident and manly. Again, we are playing at stereotypes. Furthermore, I am a former Marine, having spent most of my military career in special operations. I doubt very highly that my wife is concerned about my ability to stand up for her.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

tba1971-

Part of the reason your wife is not all that interested in sex is that you make life to comfortable for her. I have written a lot about this subject here: Sexless Marriage? If you can see yourself in one of the paragraphs, it might shed some light.


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## tba1971 (Oct 14, 2009)

MarkTwain,

Interesting..your "people pleaser" section might seem to apply. I will consider it for sure. Thank you


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

I never said you had to be a slob. In jokes there is always a bit of truth, sterotypes too. They didn't just get "made up" its a generalization of a group of people which is unfair but never the less. 

For example, most people think that gay men are super neat freaks. Doesn't mean that all are but I know a fair share of them that absolutely fit into this category.

I said that she doesn't find you manly not that you aren't physically attractive or strong and know how to fight.


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## TheDiddler (Oct 15, 2009)

Hi tba1971,

to answer your question, no, it's not even a little bit about you.

This is entirely and completely about her, and she'd like to keep it that way.

Now, it's not entirely a selfish power issue as she's simply using the power to avoid her own personal issues as best she can, but it is indeed a power issue because let's face it: she has what you want and she won't give it to you(meaning romance, of course).

So, my suggestion to you is to this, make her want to give it to you(meaning romance, of course).

Reverse your tactics about romance and just focus on making her have orgasms:

Warning! the following comments are not for the faint of heart.

Just kidding all, sorry this is my first post ever and well, I like to make a splash! Plus I'm new and not sure how much I can really say on here w/o getting into too much trouble for language, etc.

Back to serious for a sec, email me tba1971 and we'll get into it a bit if you like.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TBA
I sent you a pm. 



TheDiddler said:


> Hi tba1971,
> 
> to answer your question, no, it's not even a little bit about you.
> 
> ...


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## Jaceace (Oct 15, 2009)

Wow, we have so much in common. I’m a stay at home dad as well. And you sound just like me and have the same problems as me. Please let me know how you fix it. Because I have tried just about everything. Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I am at the point where I don't think I can fix it or make it better. I am almost at breaking point. In the last 4 months my wife and I have made love.... if that’s what you want to call it, once. I’m only 30 and this has been going on for 3 years now. So yes, I understand how you feel. And I am sorry I do not have an answer. I wish I had one.

Good luck and please let me know what works.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

tba1971 said:


> My issue may be a little different from most posts. I'll try to sum it up briefly. I'm a stay at home dad and proud of it. I'm a neat freak so I run a tight ship..and my wife claims to love the fact that she comes home to dinner, a clean house and well behaved children. In fact, many stay at home moms I know think I keep house and deal with my kids better than they do and regularly ask me for advice. I do all the cooking (I love to cook) and housework..gladly I might add.
> 
> The problem is that my wife and I have mismatched sex drives. In fact, we always have (we had sex once on our honeymoon...and it rained a lot!). So this is really nothing new and I suppose I bear some of the responsibility for "knowing what I was getting". I need to add to that though that we have varying periods in our relationshuip where this hasn't been an issue. I've taken all the standard cookie cutter advice. I've tried to make her feel attractive and been romantic. In fact, I'm as attracted to my wife now as I have ever been. She is hot, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy and I tell her so...and really mean it! I try to set the proper moods. I've bough her sexy lingerie...and more. The problem is that she rejects my every effort. I'm only telling her how beautiful she is because I want sex. I'm only buying her lingerie because I want her to look ****ty and trashy. I'm only romantic because I want sex...etc, etc. She refuses to accept any responsibility for this. Any issue or problem I raise is my fault because I do (add excuse here). She is also the only woman I've ever known that has absolutely no interest in foreplay! Even when we have sex lately, she is clearly uninterested and seems to want it over as soon as possible.
> 
> ...


Dude,

OK, I'm not a stay at home Dad and I'm deffo not a neat freak.

However, my wife seems very similar to yours. Same with me - when we were younger her sex drive wasnt that great either so I knew what I was getting into.

Same as you my wife has virtually zero interest. If you find the answer let me know !!!!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Behind bedroom doors stereotypes are true. Ignore this at your own peril.

You are treating your wife like she's a man. This causes her to see you as weak and effiminate and insults her femine psyche. Over time she will resent you, and try to "push" you into acting like a man and treating her like she wants to be treated (protected and adored). 

Even the most confident, assertive, and successful women in business and industry want to be able to come home, let their guard down, and have their most intimate relationship with her man acknowledge her basic needs as a woman. That her man loves her and will fight to the death for her.

A man will have to discover what this looks like in his relationship...being assertive in the bedroom, being more dominate and in control over the relationship overall, incorporating spanking or some other safe, fun, and sexual element in making her feel submissive and loved, etc etc.

Good luck.


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