# Older M / Younger W - Dealingwith Maturity



## Roseville (May 8, 2009)

I am 45, my wife is 29. We have been married for 3 years, and known each other for 8. We have twin 6 year olds -one very minding and one that is not. I have a couple questions:

1) I spent $25K for her to go to school for a certified respiratory therapist cert. She graduated 6 months ago and have failed the exam twice. I have told her she needs to do whatever she needs to and pass the test, and I will support her. She is not motivated, and I know - as I work from home and she studies 1 day a week and does not stay up to study. I have told her we need the $. I am questioning her commitment to complete this task and work. what is the best way to get her to focus and pass, so that she can get a job?

2) In the past, she always mad me the disciplinarian. At this point, my girls do not listen to her and I always have to intervene. This occurs at all hours, even when I am working in my home office. She has now started to be more assertive, but it is yelling, threatening, and telling them what a bad person they will be later in life if they not not listen. I have talked to her about it, but she is now mad at me for disciplining her. I told her she needs to be more hand on (ask for their hand and lead them where she wants them to go and help with what she wants them to do). How do I help her get in control?

3) Not sure if this a posting about me or her. But I am the sole person bringing in $. Day usually is. We get up, I help minimally to max with getting the girls dressed, hair and teeth, and breakfast. She gets up and takes a shower and participates after wards; takes them to school at 8 and then does nothing to help to get things done around the house. When the girls get out of Kgarten, she picks them up and does an outstanding job of keeping them busy until 5-7pm. After 5, I do laundry, dishes, and clean the house. 7pm comes up and no dinner for the girls. What point of helping am I not getting across? 

4) How do you communicate with someone that if they do not focus on supporting the family, the family may not be exsting in the near future?


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

This is not an immaturity issue, at 29 its a directional one. 

You are simply the one taking charge with the children.

Some men/women are not family or children types its a personality trait.


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## JustYakkin (Apr 29, 2009)

Dude realy? you married a child and your shocked that your role is the parent ? There is a huge matuity level diffrence in a 16 yr age gap.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I agree with John. This is not an age issue, this is specific to her. There are plenty of 29 yr olds who are good parents, outstanding students and very motivated. 

Its been my experience that you cannot impose change on someone. In the rare cases where people do change it is because they have seen the value in it and made a personal committment for themselves. Counseling maybe your best option. You could go in with the focus being on better parenting for you both and then let the other issues unfold. Plus, the obvious benefit of a third person no having the political issues that exist inside the marriage.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Find a good counselor. Perhaps there are reasons or personality issues that are keeping her from being proactive. Either way, things need to be ironed out or they will get worse.

Good luck.


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## Tr000thSeeker (May 11, 2009)

Review:

You want her to seek personal growth in a career. Seems like you want her to contribute financially. Is she even motivated to contribute financially? Does she believe that she is supposed to contribute financially?
She has built a relationship structure such that she is dependent on you with-respective-to maintaining discipline with the kids. Have you ever left that burden on her even if it got out of control even to the point of failure?
You have set yourself up to doing house-keeping and earing the income. Part of the reason is that you work from home. The stagnancy is too close to you and you feel the need to take over and make progress happen. Is she a progressive person? If so, then why not allow things to fall apart (momentarily) for her and let her take charge of it.
She does not do her part in supporting the family because you will do it for her. She may be only partially concerned about the consequence of this resulting in a broken family in the future, or may be she is so dependent on you that the thought of such a consequence does not even occur to her.
Question(s):

Are all of these behavior patterns merely symptoms to deeper emotional problems? Is it maturity or motivation?
Is there anything she values material or immaterial that would motivate her to change her commitment or seek personal growth?
What is the social/family environment in which she was raised? Did she ever learn the concept of accountability/responsibility?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Roseville said:


> I am 45, my wife is 29. We have been married for 3 years, and known each other for 8. We have twin 6 year olds -one very minding and one that is not. I have a couple questions:
> 
> 1) I spent $25K for her to go to school for a certified respiratory therapist cert. She graduated 6 months ago and have failed the exam twice. I have told her she needs to do whatever she needs to and pass the test, and I will support her. She is not motivated, and I know - as I work from home and she studies 1 day a week and does not stay up to study. I have told her we need the $. I am questioning her commitment to complete this task and work. what is the best way to get her to focus and pass, so that she can get a job?
> 
> ...


Sorry, it sounds like you wanted a woman who will do everything your way, and you are finally upset that she isn't bending over backwards to please you. Just because she isn't molding to your wishes doesn't make her immature. Also, it is very difficult to go to school, raise kids and keep house. Are you sure she wants a career in respiratory therapy? Men and women often have different apporaches to parenting, including discipline. Rather than griping about what she is not doing, just ask her. If you expect her to watch the kids, and cook dinner at the same time, you should tell her. Being a mother of young kids myself, that is an impossible task. Please try to think in her shoes, and not what you imagine a perfect wife and mother would be.


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## Tr000thSeeker (May 11, 2009)

Roseville, please keep us posted on how things are working out!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Roseville said:


> I am 45, my wife is 29. We have been married for 3 years, and known each other for 8. We have twin 6 year olds -one very minding and one that is not. I have a couple questions:
> 
> 1) I spent $25K for her to go to school for a certified respiratory therapist cert. She graduated 6 months ago and have failed the exam twice. I have told her she needs to do whatever she needs to and pass the test, and I will support her. She is not motivated, and I know - as I work from home and she studies 1 day a week and does not stay up to study. I have told her we need the $. I am questioning her commitment to complete this task and work. what is the best way to get her to focus and pass, so that she can get a job?
> 
> ...


1.) she did not marry an older man to work her ass off... 
sorry but thats the truth and why she has so little motivation.
no matter how hot you think you are, your old enough to be her father and she married someone that old, not to bust her ass.

2. She will come up with her own style, even if you hate it... it will be hers. I think right now, she hasn't figured out what her limits are with her role as parent or wife.

3.
See my 1.)
Your point is you do not have an equal... you have someone who is more like your daughter, so thats what your going to get... immaturity and often not consitant with her responsibilites as you think they should be.

4.) She does not understand because she sees you as a father, not a partner. When she sees she is going to have to bust her ass, she will get someone younger, who can do more and just as immature as she is. Someone who she is yoked with for a partner. You married someone who was apparently looking for a nice easy ride and then you walked in.


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