# Stuck. How to move forward after betrayal?



## UnchartedWaters (1 mo ago)

After 17 years of marriage, 3 kids, a year and a half of couples therapy that I thought was moving forward well and really working on our communication issues, it turns out he was having an affair. Not only an affair, but has decided that he is "non-monogamous". He has since moved out, still seeing the woman that he had the affair with and I am completely devastated. Despite our issues, he was my soulmate, but apparently I was not his. He says the past 17 years has been a lie, that he has been "denying himself" and that he won't do that anymore. It gets worse. We have three children, one who is medically complex and requires 24/7 care. I left my career three times to care for her and our family needs and currently am unemployed. I have no family in the area, no friends due to COVID and having a med complex child, zero outside interests due to the same, and feel completely helpless right now. 

I know logically that I just need to move forward, figure out how to support myself and my girls, find some friends and interests, but I am just so shell shocked still two months after everything came out. I go to therapy, and it helps, but sometimes the waves of grief and overwhelming feelings of the whole situation are unbearable. Does it ever get better? How do I move forward? What has worked for you? I have attempted to find a "Divorce Support Group", but there really aren't any in my area. Somebody suggested trying a dating website for divorced/separated people so that I can connect with like minded people. That seems like a huge step, but maybe a way to start?? I'm just so tired of doing this on my own. Any advice would be much appreciated.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

It does get better. However, for the next little while, you'll be functioning solely on will power and the next step.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No at the moment to dating sites of any kind. Lots of people immediately start dating but that doesn’t always work well. Give it a little time — you have enough to deal with now without adding the complication of dating into the mix. Focus on finding a job first. Get settled. Then think about dating. As to how long it takes to recover — that depends. Everyone’s different but it’s very likely going to take a lot more time than you wish it would.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It takes time, lots of time. You say you have no family nearby, could you move to be near family? Could they offer support? 
Does your husband help out with the children so you can have a break? Is he going to have them for some of the week?


Please don't believe this nonsense about the last 17 years being a lie and how he has being 'denying himself'. Cheaters say nonsense like that all the time to try and justify their appalling behaviour. 

As for the dating site, terrible advise. You are in no way emotionally ready to even think of dating. 
Wait till you are divorced at the very least. It was 4 years for me till I was emotionally ready to date again after my 23 year marriage very suddenly ended. I too was left with 3 children with no help or support. 


Are your children ok to be left at all? Presumably they are all at school?

They are ways of making friends if you want to. Try meetup.com.
Have you tried DRW? Divorce recovery workshop. I went on one of their courses but not for about a year..


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

UnchartedWaters said:


> After 17 years of marriage, 3 kids, a year and a half of couples therapy that I thought was moving forward well and really working on our communication issues, it turns out he was having an affair. Not only an affair, but has decided that he is "non-monogamous". He has since moved out, still seeing the woman that he had the affair with and I am completely devastated. Despite our issues, he was my soulmate, but apparently I was not his. He says the past 17 years has been a lie, that he has been "denying himself" and that he won't do that anymore. It gets worse. We have three children, one who is medically complex and requires 24/7 care. I left my career three times to care for her and our family needs and currently am unemployed. I have no family in the area, no friends due to COVID and having a med complex child, zero outside interests due to the same, and feel completely helpless right now.
> 
> I know logically that I just need to move forward, figure out how to support myself and my girls, find some friends and interests, but I am just so shell shocked still two months after everything came out. I go to therapy, and it helps, but sometimes the waves of grief and overwhelming feelings of the whole situation are unbearable. Does it ever get better? How do I move forward? What has worked for you? I have attempted to find a "Divorce Support Group", but there really aren't any in my area. Somebody suggested trying a dating website for divorced/separated people so that I can connect with like minded people. That seems like a huge step, but maybe a way to start?? I'm just so tired of doing this on my own. Any advice would be much appreciated.


I would not get involved with a dating site at this time, because I think that will be too much emotional stress for you. You are trying to recover and heal from a huge emotional blow. Since dating someone new can be fraught with emotional turmoil even under the best of circumstances, you are likely to get overwhelmed. 

I would seek non-romantic type of support. If you are religious, perhaps in a church type environment? If not religious, perhaps a non-sectarian type of group?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

First step at this point is get a good lawyer so that you are able to get support for taking care of the children and get whatever you are entitled to in terms of the marital assets and support from him. 

He may not be your soulmate and he may not be monogamous or want to be married with you, but he is still their father and still needs to be supportive of them even if he wants to bang some other chick.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

UnchartedWaters said:


> After 17 years of marriage, 3 kids, a year and a half of couples therapy t....... has decided that he is "non-monogamous". He has since moved out, still seeing the woman that he had the affair with an....We have three children, one who is medically complex and requires 24/7 care.....
> 
> I know logically that I just need to move forward,,,,I'm just so tired of doing this on my own. Any advice would be much appreciated.


First, he can't legally just abandon you and his children like that. Get a lawyer and file divorce papers with requirements for child support and alimony. You need to make sure he financially takes care of you and the children he fathered with you.

He is being an absolute self-centered jerk. This man was never your soulmate, no mater what you think.

Stay away from dating, you need time to emotionally heal and your children need time as well.

Require him to continue to pay for your individual counseling and keep at it so you can work through this. Good luck.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Forget dating for now....a lot of women find themselves just getting used for sex, because they are desperate and vulnerable...It will likely only cause you more grief and upset the kids..

They are his kids as well as yours, and because of your situation, he will likely need to step up at a higher level than most would...If he has a conscience at all, he would be wise to not ignore this fact...

He may be telling you the truth in the sense that he doesn't wish to be with you anymore, and I know that hurts, but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you will start to rebuild your life...He could also be blinded by sheer lust and doesn't realize what he is giving up, but who cares at that point, he has taken it to the point of no return, really....This is just what its going to be..

My only advice is to keep being the mother you are to your kids, and use this time to take care of yourself..Spend idle time with family and close friends, get a lot of exercise and eat right, so you feel better about yourself, and then, when everything is processed you will be the best version of yourself, if you want to try to find another life partner...

My best to you..


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## UnchartedWaters (1 mo ago)

Thank you to everyone who replied. It was just what I needed to hear. Trying to take it one day at a time and continue to advocate for the kids and my needs. Logically I agree, this relationship is over and it's time to start moving on, whatever that may look like. Time to start finding who I am again, what I like, what I need to do and focus on in order to bring myself and my kids through this. Thank you again for the words of wisdom. They are much appreciated.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

UnchartedWaters said:


> Thank you to everyone who replied. It was just what I needed to hear. Trying to take it one day at a time and continue to advocate for the kids and my needs. Logically I agree, this relationship is over and it's time to start moving on, whatever that may look like. Time to start finding who I am again, what I like, what I need to do and focus on in order to bring myself and my kids through this. Thank you again for the words of wisdom. They are much appreciated.


Remember the ending of the marriage is just like a death. The corpse (your partner) may still be walking around but its still a death. It takes time and you will need to go through different stages of grief just as if he had died. Be kind to yourself, get legal advise and make sure that your husband supports you financially and with helping to care for the children.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

That "the past 17 years has been a lie" line is the dumbest thing that I've read in a good while. 

Justifying his own stupidity is gonna be a common thing. Don't believe any of it.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

UnchartedWaters said:


> After 17 years of marriage, 3 kids, a year and a half of couples therapy that I thought was moving forward well and really working on our communication issues, it turns out he was having an affair. Not only an affair, but has decided that he is "non-monogamous". He has since moved out, still seeing the woman that he had the affair with and I am completely devastated. Despite our issues, he was my soulmate, but apparently I was not his. He says the past 17 years has been a lie, that he has been "denying himself" and that he won't do that anymore. It gets worse. We have three children, one who is medically complex and requires 24/7 care. I left my career three times to care for her and our family needs and currently am unemployed. I have no family in the area, no friends due to COVID and having a med complex child, zero outside interests due to the same, and feel completely helpless right now.
> 
> I know logically that I just need to move forward, figure out how to support myself and my girls, find some friends and interests, but I am just so shell shocked still two months after everything came out. I go to therapy, and it helps, but sometimes the waves of grief and overwhelming feelings of the whole situation are unbearable. Does it ever get better? How do I move forward? What has worked for you? I have attempted to find a "Divorce Support Group", but there really aren't any in my area. Somebody suggested trying a dating website for divorced/separated people so that I can connect with like minded people. That seems like a huge step, but maybe a way to start?? I'm just so tired of doing this on my own. Any advice would be much appreciated.


He is also a ****ing liar. When someone shows you who they are believe them. 
get out now, look forwards not back. He is not worthy of your forgiveness, as you can’t fix a liar And a cheat


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

The best way to get unstuck is to make plans for the future without him.

Get a lawyer, get half the assets, get child support, get spousal support because you can't work. I would seek out a support group for parents of children with the same medical issue your child has, and be with people who understand, and make new friends there. Get set up for a life without him.

Clearly, he is a jerk, and was never your soulmate. He could never be anyone's soulmate. He either lied to you for 17 years, or he's rewriting history to suit himself. Either way, he's selfish, unreliable, untrustworthy and a loser who is not worth your time. But he's also cunning and probably charismatic, which is how he got away with this for so long. Don't be too hard on yourself for not seeing it until now.

Do NOT date yet. You are not ready and would only hurt yourself further.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Ah, OP. Looks like you’ve got a taste of what most of us call the “cheater’s handbook.” Rewriting your relationship history, continuing the relationship with the other woman under the guise of being non monogamous, etc. If you haven’t already, look up Chumplady’s site and her book.


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