# Hope she comes back



## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

My wife moved out almost three months ago. Today she is talking about coming home and living in a separate bedroom. I believe it is her way of slowly coming back.

On October 1st, my wife told me ilybinilwy. It was completely unexpected on my part, and it was very painful to hear. She moved out about 6 weeks later and rented a small house. At first I did the usual thing: pleaded, begged and took the blame for the problems in our marriage. After studying this web site, and reading everything I could find, I decided to do a 180 about two weeks ago. It appears to be working. She called me this morning to talk about our daughter, a sophomore in college. She then proceeded to talk about our relationship as though she might reconsider her earlier thoughts of divorce. The most amazing turn or events happened a week ago, when I told her I had a date! She seamed to realize that I might actually move on, and it made her think. 

A little history: I am 53, she is 46. We have been married for 20 years. She had an affair 14 years ago, because emotionally not there for her. I was very hurt and retaliated with a meaningless one night stand, which I told her about a few months later 

This October when she told me, ilybinilwy, she seemed very sexually charged, and started going out more and staying late at work. I assumed another affair, but she claims no. She did say that she had an intense flirtation with a 35 year old, with whom she works. I believe that she either did have a short lived ea or maybe a pa. He is engaged to a young girl living about an hour away. If there was anything, I believe that it is over.

She told me recently that she has had many opportunities and has been "very close" to having more sexual encounters over the years since she had the affair 14 years ago. I have been jealous of her flirtations over the years, and have often accused her of more affairs. She claims she flirts because I have never been in love with her and that I have never been good at intimacy and romance. She claims our sex life has always been "great technical sex" but without the intimacy and the connection she needs. 

I don"t know if this is enough information, but I would like to hear some comments. I dearly love my wife, and we have been best friends since we first met. She says that she truly loved me for the first 6 years, but started giving up on romance after that. I readily admit, that romance has never been my strong suit. I was brought up in a household that did not show much affection, and to this day my mother cannot say "I love you."

If she comes back, I will have to change. But honesty has never been her strong suit, and she has held back on telling me about other flirtations until years later. Oh, she also had a one night stand with a woman about ten years ago, although she told me about that almost immediately. For some reason that did not bother me. One more strange thing. She was good friends with a famous singer for a couple of years, and she recently told me (just weeks ago) that her friend hired a high priced male prostitute and that she had sex with him while the singer watched. She said she was disgusted by it, and it only lasted a few minutes. 

Until this year, the past 7 years have been, in my mind, the best in our marriage. The flirting pretty much stopped (until recently) and we really haven"t fought much during this period. I should mention that we used to have really big knock down drag outs in the first years of our marriage.

Thanks for any insights in advance.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

It sounds like there's alot of cheating going on. How can there be trust if there is no honesty, which you say is not her strong suit? It almost sounds like she's going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. I would say that if she's not ready to move back in and give you and your marriage 100% (moving back in and staying in another room?) than it's a no go. How can that possibly work. Almost sounds like she wants to save some money by not having to pay rent on the house she's living in so she wants to move back in with you? This is all just my take on things, you have to ultimately make the final decision as to letting her move back in. Oh, and no flirting whatsoever; that's a deal breaker.


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## won'tstoptrying53 (Feb 7, 2012)

She is actually the one in the marriage that makes the big bucks, although we are currently having some financial problems due to my lack of work in the construction industry. 

In my heart of hearts, I do believe that there was an affair or some sort. She does blame me for her leaving, and before she left she said, "if I don't leave, I'm going to have an affair". So I do think that she left rather suddenly to have that affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest that the both of you get into some joint counseling and throughly discuss this for a while.

She may be coming back for convienence, and when she finds a new OM you may be back dealing with this infidelety crap.

The both of you need to have a clear understanding on what your boundries are and can the both of you respect each others enough to be together.


I would be concernded that she has devloloped a certain life style on her own that may not be what you want out of a relationship. I'm just saying do not go into this expecting it to be like it was, and that goes for both of you.

She needs to understand that there is a long road to recovery for you and she will have to carry that with her or maybe she just wants to move back in as friends? I think thats the 1st question to ask her in why she wants back!


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