# Why is it so darn hard for me to communicate about sex?



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Last night, after being together for 30 years (we're mid 40's) I finally got the balls, the courage, the nerve, to speak up about some things that I'd like.

I invited my husband into the shower with me. A few of the things I said was that I wanted more foreplay (I was wet but wanted more than 2 minutes of touching before sex), and I asked him to put more fingers in me (sorry if this is TMI), and a few things he did that I liked I told him that I liked that. I said one or two more things.

That was big for me, as crazy as that sounds. That was a first for me. Communication re: sex is non-existent for us, though we communicate great on everything else and have an amazing wonderful marriage.

Today was a first for my husband because he communicated back - he told me that it was a real romance killer when I got technical and that's not lovemaking at all, but just making technical moves as specified. Then he said he had to go. I insisted that he stay so we talked for an amazing amount of time about sex - at least 1/2 hour.

I don't understand him and he doesn't understand himself. I told him that from what I'm reading (he knows I'm reading a lot of sex books), that I need to ask for what I want and that I'm responsible for myself and that I can't expect him to be a mind reader. He said that it should be discussed before or after, but not during. So I said, "so if you're rubbing me and I'd really like you to move a little to the left, I should tell you a few hours later, so as not to ruin the moment?" I told him that I thought that was the perfect time. 

It went on and on, but I told him that is was so difficult for me to say what I did, that I haven't said anything for 30 years, that nothing just came out of my mouth but that it was all well thought out.

He said he regretted saying anything. That he must be wrong for feeling the way he feels although he can't help it. I told him that I'm trying hard to make our sex life better, which I think is a good thing to do after 30 years. Reading about giving better BJ's, new positions, I told him that I want to experience a vaginal orgasm, multiple orgasms, using a vibrator to have an orgasm during PIV sex, so the good part is that these words actually came out of my mouth. 

I told him that I asked him to read "she comes first" because I want him to try new things on me. When he said it was a horrible book, I got upset. I'm just trying to get him to try to please me 5% of how I'm trying to please him. I know it can feel a lot better if he didn't try to rub my clit off (which I've never dared say). I didn't dare bring up his PE problem.

I just don't know. I'm exasperated. However, it was a breakthrough for me today however my sex life turns out. I guess I'm asking what else/what more/different should I communicate. I almost feel that I should never say anything ever again.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I think like you: 
That during sex is the perfect time to talk about it!
He's not open to a day of just you & him alone together, in bed, trying new and exciting things?
Like you could say, "lets boss each other around!" Or something like that. 
Bring some toys or lube into it. 
Have sort of a private sexy party and get to know each others body again...
Would he be game for that? Maybe suggest a weekend vacation, even if its on your city? Go to dinner, dancing, get a hotel room, etc. and take that time to discuss sex, sex, sex. Then do it.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I don't know...maybe I am just different but when I am in the middle of giving my wife oral or even sex and she needs me to do something differently I want her to tell me. I am easy but what works on her tonight may not work on her tomorrow night. I wish I had some suggestions on how to get him to do what you need.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks for your support, guys. we went out on a date tonight, and all I could think about is how i feel like I have egg on my face, like it backfired. no wonder i don't say how I feel re: sex. never. i hope he doesn't make any moves on me tonight, because the way I feel, for the first time in my life, i will tell him, 'not tonight.' which will probably make things worse for him - he'll regret even more telling me how he feels (which is that I should just keep my mouth shut) and bad for me. I feel like my sex drive might be like a switch, which was off most of our marriage, but in the last year, it got turned way on. I feel i'm in danger of it just switching off again and i'll just climb back into my LD shell.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I thought you made progress right here. I see a ***** in that armor. 


Quote:
That he must be wrong for feeling the way he feels although he can't help it.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks, MrAvg. He is not a good lover so I could not give a sincere compliment. I believe that is why I have had LD, because there's not really much in it for me, between so-so OS and PE and little foreplay. What is there to look forward to? So about a year ago, I decided I want to try to make things better. I've read dozens of books. I'm now reading Slow Sex: The art and craft of the female orgasm. It seems like why bother finishing that book. Orgasmic Meditation requires giving feedback and giving specific instructions. It initially sounded like a great way to experience a finger orgasm while showing him exactly what feels good, but I guess that's a 'romance killer.' Although to be fair to my husband, last night on our date he suggested places of where to set up our 'nest' - which is where the author said to practice this. 

He thinks he's a real casanova. In the past when I've told him about books about sex techniques, he's said, "we can write our own book." HA HAHAHAHAHAH, maybe he can write about how your wife can give you a great BJ, but that's about it.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> Last night, after being together for 30 years (we're mid 40's) I finally got the balls, the courage, the nerve, to speak up about some things that I'd like.
> 
> I invited my husband into the shower with me. A few of the things I said was that I wanted more foreplay (I was wet but wanted more than 2 minutes of touching before sex), and I asked him to put more fingers in me (sorry if this is TMI), and a few things he did that I liked I told him that I liked that. I said one or two more things.
> 
> ...


IsGirl3,

WOW.

I am giving you a standing ovation right now! What you did took a lot of guts and was awesome! It shows that you care, and that you want to improve your love life. ANY man should appreciate that. I would give anything for my wife to take as much interest and direction about sex as you just did! You should feel very good about communicating your wants and desires!!! 

Men think in terms of solving problems. We also like challenges. Is it possible for the two of you to go to a hotel for a night away from home, and act like "new lovers"? Maybe a change of location can make him do things differently....or see you differently. Tell him that you would like to try something new in a new location...and challenge him to come up with a new idea that he would like to try. My wife and I have done this at a bed and breakfast and it worked very well. :smthumbup:

Sorry to hear that he didn't like the book She Comes First. I think a better book is from Lou Paget titled: How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure. I have this book. I highlighted in yellow some of the things that I really liked in the book...then I gave it to my wife and she highlighted some things in blue that she liked. We both had fun and learned some new things about each other. This book was very good for us. 

Bottom line, keep trying and keep communicating. If you stop, you will go back into a rut...and that is no fun! I applaud you for standing up for what you want and need! Bravo!!!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks Mr Avg. although I can't leave books lying around (3 young kids), I did buy "she comes first" for the kindle and downloaded it to his kindle and asked him to read. He got halfway through and gave up and thinks it's a horrible book.

I did read your other thread about PE and the article you linked to. I know you are right about "it's how you say it" so how am I saying that we have this PE issue that I'd like us to work on? what are the delicate words I am using?

I am just so angry, though that isn't the exact right word.

I feel like saying, "you know what's a romance killer? sex that lasts 3 minutes if I'm lucky"

"you know what's a romance killer? Me needing lube for lack of foreplay."

"you know what's a romance killer? falling asleep after a BJ that I read about and planned for 2 days and got all dolled up for.

"you know what's a romance killer? you leaving the shower after your BJ.

"you know what's a romance killer? me counting to 100's by 2's, 3's, 4's... because OS is so damn boring and you're not even in the right spot and my mind is wondering all over the place.

I'm just a little steamed that he thinks sex and BJ's and whatever I do for him is great, and doesn't hear me saying that I want more.

I'm ready to shut down.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Inoticethe details, about once a year for the past few years, we've going to a couples only place where it's all sex all the time. The first time we went about 3 years ago, he must have had over 10 orgasms in 3 days. I had 0. Funny how at the time it didn't bother me at all.

Last time we went, I brought a c*ck ring and g-spot vibrator. We never found my G-spot, and I did the ring wrong and really hurt his balls. That was a failure. I brought a game "pleasure island" which he told me later he didn't like at all, so he was just humoring me.

We're trying to go again in the next few months, but the way I feel right now, I don't want to. It will be all about his pleasure and my pleasure will have to be from his pleasure, which it is a lot, but I've become resentful of this in the past year.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> I'm just a little steamed that he thinks sex and BJ's and whatever I do for him is great, and doesn't hear me saying that I want more.
> 
> I'm ready to shut down.



Don't shut down now....humans with penises are sometimes dense and hard of hearing. Keep trying and communicating. Trust me on this! It is a process and takes time....one step at a time. 

Don't give up!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks, Inoticethedetails, for your applause. I gave it to myself, too, on Friday night. When my H and I talked on Sat. (when he was telling me that my communication was a romance killer), I told him that I patted myself on the back for actually communicating. so thank you thank you. It is something I feel good about. You're the one who told me that men are thick-headed mules right? and that I need to repeat myself?

We'll see if I ever get the guts again to communicate. Right now I just feel that my sex drive has been zapped out of me. It's amazing how the mind can play games like that.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

omg sooo proud of you girl. stick with it, its the first conversation. I too like you still struggle with talking about what I want and like. It gets easier as you go. really listen to what he is telling you. lots of men think we dont listen enough and take what they want into consideration

you are my new fun fearless female....wear that cape with pride. you made the first step. keep at it and dont give up


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)




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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

HE'S CHEATING!! (Just kidding guys  ...although if the genders were reversed in this situation, I dare say the cheating accusation would've already been made.) 

But seriously...Wow, it's hard to imagine a man who WOULDN'T be totally turned on by his wife putting effort into improving their sex life like you are. For him to read half of She Comes First and say its a horrible book, knowing it was important enough to you to ask him to read it, well...what a jerk! For him to shut you down when you try to open up to him about such a personal subject...what an ass! 

I would guess that his lack of interest in trying new things is his PE issue. But...that doesn't explain why he wouldn't want to know how to please you better with oral or with fingers. I don't know what to say except bravo to you for putting so much effort into this...I would think most men would give ANYTHING for their wives to take such an interest in sex.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

IsGirl3 said:


> thanks Mr Avg. although I can't leave books lying around (3 young kids), I did buy "she comes first" for the kindle and downloaded it to his kindle and asked him to read. He got halfway through and gave up and thinks it's a horrible book.
> 
> I did read your other thread about PE and the article you linked to. I know you are right about "it's how you say it" so how am I saying that we have this PE issue that I'd like us to work on? what are the delicate words I am using?
> 
> ...



girl you might need to get REALLY REAL on dude and say just those things for him to get it. might hurt his widdle feelings for a while but it gives him information he can use if he chooses. we all the time trying to say things to protect egos that we end up saying nothing useful.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

I understand how hard it can be to communicate about sex and give you kudos for taking that first step, it is the hardest one.:smthumbup:

My H and I have had sessions where we sat down and talked about sex. We shared with each other all the things that we enjoy. "I really like when you........ and ............ and ............... would like to try..............." type of conversations have worked well for us. 

Is he up for a bit of role playing? You could do cougar and the cub, where you are the experienced woman and he is the beginner and you gently direct him in all the ways you want to be pleased. If you are both feeling a bit more brave you could do a dominant/submissive type situation where you demand actions and he must comply. 

My H and I have also dedicated time to exploring each other as if we are new partners. People change over time and what arouses us and pleases us can change as well. Mentioning that and saying that you would love to explore again and see if you can find new erogenous zones on each other may be a good way to stimulate some growth.

A fantasy/pleasure box can be helpful. Each of you would write at least 10 fantasies or pleasure ideas, each on different note cards or piece of paper. Place these in a box and you can set a date for fantasy box night. You would each be able to draw a card from the box and explore the topic. I recommend discussing the details of the topic and then trying it out or a variation of it that you can both feel comfortable with. If you aren't feeling very imaginative, you could get something like these cards vows Search Results - that will give you all kinds of ideas to try.

When trying new things, I recommend trying them twice. A mind can be focused on the uncertainty of something new and that can interfere with how you really feel about it. On the second try, it doesn't have that first time worry, so you may feel differently. If not, take that one off the list.

I agree that "How to give her absolute pleasure" by Lou Paget is a good book. "How to satisfy a woman every time and have her beg for more" by Naura Hayden is a good one too. This one is short and easy to read for the guy that doesn't want flooded with too much at a time.

Again, bravo to you for opening up these line of communication about your needs. Be sure to keep a positive attitude, focusing on what you do want rather than all that you don't want. Good luck!


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Is girl, like many posters here I give you credit for making that extra effort in improving your sex life. I don't have kids yet but you mentioned you have 3 young children. Trying to schedule sex around three kiddies can be tough. I have no doubt your husband is a great father but he does sound like a one way jerk in the bedroom. To invite him in the shower with you and you drop to your knees to give him a world class BJ (I assume start to finish) and for him to just leave when all said and done is messed up. 

You also mentioned you have another romantic trip planned. I would cancel it until he stops being selfish. Why should he get off and you can't even enjoy an orgasm??

Lastly, I believe you mentioned you never had an orgasm from PIV sex. Have you ever tried the coitial alignment technique? I believe there is a video out there on how to do it. Works wonders for my wife and gives me incredible orgasms. I too sometimes suffer from PE and the coitial alignment technique helps in that area. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

We didn't open up & talk about sex for 19 long yrs, like yourself in my early 40's after all the kids , I got this sex drive increase, that pretty much compelled me, there was no stopping it. 

I am not sure HOW in the world you held off THIS long -if you were not satisfied... I would have wanted to scream and pound my husband if he was like that, when he went before me in the past - I outright told him... "you're gonna do it again buddy" - cause I wanted it! He didn't mind, cause at that time...he could. 

From all you have written here , your husband is a very selfish Lover...he just wants his, and after all these years, he has come to feel this was "OK" with you...and sounds like it might have been... but now you know better... Now you want MORE... you are going to have to just let it rip...and get Real with him... 

I understand men having fragile egos in some respect, but when they are THIS kind of Lover ...forget the damn EGO... this man needs a WAKE UP CALL to the reality of HIS LACK in the bedroom. 

Try not to shut down on him though. Find the courage and be honest with him, you know you DESERVE so much more ~ and your time is NOW. 

Would it be easier to sit down & write him a letter, take your time & get it just so.......then Read it to him out loud...this is likely what I would do -if in your situation. 

He NEEDS to understand how you feel..and what you desire...this is healthy....he did ask to talk about this ...not during, but after or before.... 

My husband is not a book reader either, but he was always open to sit down with me and go over things in the book, anything I wanted to show him -trying new anything. I was thankful for that, so even if you could get that much out of him there...

I am not familiar with your story, so you haven't had any orgasms all these years or you think you could by oral ...but he is just really bad at it? 

This has to be so frustrating ! You are in your PRIME sexually right now, don't shut down! 



> *IsGirl3 said*: I feel like saying, "you know what's a romance killer? sex that lasts 3 minutes if I'm lucky"
> 
> "you know what's a romance killer? Me needing lube for lack of foreplay."
> 
> ...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I would say don't give up and don't shut down. Shutting down isn't going to solve anything. Like anything, progress isn't going to be overnight. You've started the discussion and it is quite probable that he was surprised and immediately put up his defense. The more you communicate, the more likely he is going to start opening up to some of your suggestions. If he is like most men, he wants to be good in bed and it might be a little bit of a shock to take some constructive "suggestions" no matter how well thought out it is. He's not going to get better in a void.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thank you all so so much for responding. you have no idea. I feel like my mind in spinning, so to hear other voices besides my own is very good. it's grounding. i have felt all day like a deflated balloon, like the wind is out of my sails, like i'm already reverting back to my LD self. I feel like not finishing that book I started, "slow sex..." and not read any other book.

I feel like so many of you have said. he's selfish, but doesn't know it. why should he. Now I know why I haven't said anything for 30 years. I guess I too thought it was a romance killer, or at least an ego killer, not that I said anything ego damaging, it was all about me and what I'd like, but not surprising that this was the response I got and why I've said nothing. I really feel like shutting down. I don't want to go away for our romantic weekend.

But, I will truly and probably take all the advice to heart. The ones about trying again to communicate at a time that my husband likes, but something about the advice on being more blunt about his selfishness and not worrying about his ego - that I like, in theory anyhow. 

Although I say I'm ready to stop reading any books, if I want to give my sex life a chance, I'll get those recommended books - especially the short one, that maybe he'll read. You'd think since I asked like a dozen time for him to read it, he'd get the hint, but as one of you guys said - guys are like brain dead mules. I like that line. I have to keep remembering that when I'm frustrated.

Maybe I just need a break for a few days. Aside from all this, I don't want anyone here to get the wrong impression - he is an amazing man and husband and father. There is rarely a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me how lucky he is to have me and I feel the same about him. Just thought I'd mention that before I get back to my sex woes.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> thank you all so so much for responding. you have no idea. I feel like my mind in spinning, so to hear other voices besides my own is very good. it's grounding. i have felt all day like a deflated balloon, like the wind is out of my sails, like i'm already reverting back to my LD self. I feel like not finishing that book I started, "slow sex..." and not read any other book.
> 
> I feel like so many of you have said. he's selfish, but doesn't know it. why should he. Now I know why I haven't said anything for 30 years. I guess I too thought it was a romance killer, or at least an ego killer, not that I said anything ego damaging, it was all about me and what I'd like, but not surprising that this was the response I got and why I've said nothing. I really feel like shutting down. I don't want to go away for our romantic weekend.
> 
> ...


On that note, it seems like you've got good reason to keep trying. As hard as it is for you to communicate this and keep the discussion going, it is likely just has hard for him to hear it. Don't give up. Best wishes.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

You are very brave and you should be proud of yourself. I can totally relate to your situation. The fist time I tried to have a conversation with my H concerning our sexless marriage, I clammed up like schoolgirl and just cried. I felt like such an idiot. Then I found this place and I took a chance. It amazes me how something so important to me is so hard to talk about. My h has some problem (not PE) that I'm not ready to share yet (I don't even know what to call) however, I am on a timed mission so,we'll see what happens next. Whatever you do, don't revert back to your LD self. You know how hard it was to change that so keep you accomplishments.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> Last night, after being together for 30 years (we're mid 40's) I finally got the balls, the courage, the nerve, to speak up about some things that I'd like.
> 
> I invited my husband into the shower with me. A few of the things I said was that I wanted more foreplay (I was wet but wanted more than 2 minutes of touching before sex), and I asked him to put more fingers in me (sorry if this is TMI), and a few things he did that I liked I told him that I liked that. I said one or two more things.
> 
> ...


I'll read the other comments after I reply to your post, so some of this may be repetitive.

First, I want you to know I know exactly how you feel. In my marriage, I never communicated much with my ex-wife because she wouldn't communicate. She would shutdown any sex talk in about 30 seconds, even going as far as to tell me a few times to "go find someone else that can give you what you want."

So, eventually, I left and found someone  Yes, me and my current fiancee aren't 100% perfect, but it's getting better and that's because I'm finally starting to come out of my shell and speak up. But even now, it's hard. I've gone so long without talking about sex because I thought it was bad that I find it hard still now to communicate on the topic. And my fiancee has had a bad track record with men and sex, so discussing the topic can be hard for her too. But she's agreed to listen to me and I've been working on finding my inner courage to communicate on the topic, so things are slowly coming together.

Secondly, I'd like to state that your husbands mindset is not fair towards you, yet shouldn't be chastized to harshly yet either. As you said, this has been 30 years and you are finally speaking up now, while all of this time your husband has been living a pretty good life. While it's fair to want it to change, change doesn't happen overnight. Just keep at it and keep pointing out that all you are asking for is what is fair in the relationship. You aren't asking for anything ridiculous, just some attention for you. If he really wants to argue this topic, ask him why he should get what he's getting and you not get what you are seeking?

Don't expect change overnight, but expect change at some point.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MrAvg said:


> I can not relate to having a O and not making sure my wife has one or is offered one. Some of this is PE related, some is 30 years together and he has been not expected to preform, some is selfishness.


I think it's a lot more of the last two. PE or not, there's no reason not to be wkilling to improve your oral skills. If anything, PE should encourage you to improve your oral skills.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

IsGirl3 said:


> I feel like so many of you have said. he's selfish, but doesn't know it. why should he. *Now I know why I haven't said anything for 30 years.* I guess I too thought it was a romance killer, or at least an ego killer, not that I said anything ego damaging, it was all about me and what I'd like, but not surprising that this was the response I got and why I've said nothing. I really feel like shutting down. I don't want to go away for our romantic weekend.


Unfortunately, this is your problem. You are trying to fix a 30 year habit. Add to it that you have (through omission) not been honest with him.

So while being honest is important, how you do it is also critical. You can hit him over the head with a hammer, as some have suggested, but run the very real risk of him hearing what an awful lover he has been for the last 30 years. That will shut him down real quick and possibly irrepairably damge your relationship.

Perhaps a better alternative is to be honest about what you need now. You have changed, and I would emphasize that with that change has come a change in what you need in the bedroom. You need him to work with you to make things great. I am a big proponent of the truth, but in this case I think that truthful statements that don't give everything is critical (that is, when asked if what he did before was wrong, respond by saying that while you two did that in the past, it is not longer working for you now).


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I just want to let every single person who responded here know how thankful I am for your advice. Just as an aside, I went on my own to a sex therapist twice in the last 3 years to talk about my LD and other related issues. Maybe it's my neighborhood, but it cost $175 for 45 minutes. If I knew TAM existed back then, I'd be $350 richer, and get a hell of a lot better advice. 



I Notice The Details said:


> Don't shut down now....humans with penises are sometimes dense and hard of hearing. Keep trying and communicating. Trust me on this! It is a process and takes time....one step at a time. Don't give up!


You are SO funny!!!:rofl:



janesmith said:


> you are my new fun fearless female....wear that cape with pride. you made the first step. keep at it and dont give up


YOU are so funny!!! :rofl:



Waking up to life said:


> For him to read half of She Comes First and say its a horrible book, knowing it was important enough to you to ask him to read it, well...what a jerk! For him to shut you down when you try to open up to him about such a personal subject...what an ass!


Thanks for not pu$$y-footing around the issue! Ha! You are SO right!! saying it like it is.



janesmith said:


> girl you might need to get REALLY REAL on dude and say just those things for him to get it. might hurt his widdle feelings for a while but it gives him information he can use if he chooses. we all the time trying to say things to protect egos that we end up saying nothing useful.


Janesmith, you are so funny! you are so right! :lol:



MrAvg said:


> Have you ever pleasured yourself in front of him?


No - not in front of him and not on my own, although me and my shower head have occasional fun.



SimplyAmorous said:


> From all you have written here , your husband is a very selfish Lover...he just wants his, and after all these years, he has come to feel this was "OK" with you...and sounds like it might have been... but now you know better... Now you want MORE... you are going to have to just let it rip...and get Real with him...
> 
> I understand men having fragile egos in some respect, but when they are THIS kind of Lover ...forget the damn EGO... this man needs a WAKE UP CALL to the reality of HIS LACK in the bedroom.
> 
> ...


Thanks, SimplyAmorous. Everything you write here at TAM is so wise. Yes- now I want MORE! I think reading posts here about people's amazing sex lives makes me want more NOW. After 30 years, it is time for me to not worry about his damn EGO. And although I won't mention HIS LACK in the bedroom, he does need a WAKE UP CALL. You gave me great advice about writing this down. I'm going to do that. And although I hope not to read from it verbatim, I will bring it to the conversation on an index card. I think that alone will let him know how important and serious this is to me.



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> As hard as it is for you to communicate this and keep the discussion going, it is likely just has hard for him to hear it. Don't give up. Best wishes.


I didn't think of it that way. I just thought of how hard it is for me to speak. You are right. I feel like I'm going into an olympic event with a whole team behind me cheering me on.



kingsfan said:


> First, I want you to know I know exactly how you feel.


Thanks, it's just so paralyzing to feel so petrified to speak. I can't even rationalize it. you'd think I was talking about something horrible.



lovemylife said:


> Is he up for a bit of role playing? You could do cougar and the cub, where you are the experienced woman and he is the beginner and you gently direct him in all the ways you want to be pleased. If you are both feeling a bit more brave you could do a dominant/submissive type situation where you demand actions and he must comply.


I do like this idea, but I think it's a bit more advanced than baby steps, for now. I'd love to do the whole dominant/submissive thing your way or reversed, but that's asking for way too much for know. That's been my biggest fantasy since I discovered my parents sex digests when I was 13, but baby steps now for me.



NewHubs said:


> I have no doubt your husband is a great father but he does sound like a one way jerk in the bedroom. To invite him in the shower with you and you drop to your knees to give him a world class BJ (I assume start to finish) and for him to just leave when all said and done is messed up.
> 
> Lastly, I believe you mentioned you never had an orgasm from PIV sex. Have you ever tried the coitial alignment technique? I believe there is a video out there on how to do it. Works wonders for my wife and gives me incredible orgasms. I too sometimes suffer from PE and the coitial alignment technique helps in that area.


Well, it wasn't world-class because he came so quickly (but they're usually World Class!) The gory details are that we went into the shower to have sex. I thought I'd give him a BJ - just for a few minutes, then move on. But he came within minutes. I replayed that in my mind dozens of times because I couldn't believe that after he came, he soaped up, cleaned up, and left. I joined him in bed afterwards thinking I'd get something, anything, but nope. I don't really expect reciprocation all the time, but sometimes, like when it's been a while since I got mine, I do expect something.

Thanks for that CAT technique. I'll look into it!



Tall Average Guy said:


> So while being honest is important, how you do it is also critical....
> 
> Perhaps a better alternative is to be honest about what you need now. You have changed, and I would emphasize that with that change has come a change in what you need in the bedroom.


 Yes- I will definitely keep that in mind.



Thanks, all.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Buoyed by everyone's unanimous opinion to not give up, I have the following update:

I decided that I will continue to try. My husband knows that I’m bent out of shape from our conversation on Sat. A few hours before bed last night, Sunday, he asked me for the dozenth time how I am, and I told him that I want to continue our conversation, but I need to re-gain my stamina, and he said OK. That gave me the courage to think about talking before bed, but I changed my mind. I spent a lot of time thinking about everyone’s responses here during the night.

I got up today, Monday, to get 3 kids off to school and my husband was in bed awake. I told him that I’d like to talk tonight. Where would he like to talk? (on Sat., he was very self-conscious talking in our bedroom since it’s so close to the other rooms). I suggested the basement or another room in the house or a diner. I joked that it won’t be like “When Harry Met Sally.” He said OK. So, we have a conversation planned for tonight (although weeknights are so tough – he’s beat from work and often the kids are up late).

This is what I plan to say. To humor myself, I thought I’d write what I’d like to say, and what I really will say.

1. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. I want orgasm equity. If you’re not giving me OS, and we have PIV sex, I don’t get to have an orgasm and you do. Sometimes we do it twice, sometimes we have sex twice at night then again in the morning, and I still don’t have an orgasm. You orgasm more than me at least 4 to 1. Probably 5 to 1.

WHAT I WILL SAY. I’d like to have more orgasms. When we have PIV sex, I’d like to have an orgasm, too, at least most of the time. It can be from oral sex, or your finger, or from a vibrator. I’d like to practice what I’ve read in the book, “Slow Sex: the Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm,” which teaches orgasmic meditation using your finger. I’d like us to get a vibrator so I can have an orgasm during PIV sex.

2. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. I want better oral sex. For 30 years I’ve wanted you to do this differently and better, but didn’t want to hurt your ego. Sometimes it’s so boring and you’re licking furiously at the wrong spot, I count to 100 over and over to pass the time. So many times I’ve wanted to “move to the left” or “slower” or “higher” or “lighter” or “tease me” but never would.

WHAT I WILL SAY. You make me feel great but I want to feel even greater. I asked you to read, “She Comes First,” several times because there are new techniques in there that I’d love to experience. Things like long strokes and light strokes and patterns, and areas other than the clitoris that are highly sensitive. I’d love to be teased to orgasm. I agree that the book is very long-winded. There is another book that is about oral sex that we can try, "How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure" or there are forum posts that describe new methods of oral sex. This is important to me, so I hope will read up on it.

3. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. You have a PE problem, which you’ve had for decades. You need to get help. Sex should last more than 3 minutes on a good day. I feel super bad for you when you have an orgasm in 5 seconds because I know how bad you feel. There is no way I will ever have that long hoped for vaginal orgasm if sex only lasts 3 minutes. I just figured it was me unable to have a vaginal orgasm, but I’ve learned it takes more time than that to have one.

WHAT I WILL SAY (this is the hard one). I’d like us to learn about ways to help you last longer. There are dozens of books out there to help with this. I’ve read many stories of guys who have had this problem and now can last as long as they want, with practice. I haven’t read these books, but I’ve read a few articles that talk about kegel excercizes, pulling out just before orgasm and stopping for a few minutes, a **** ring, and other things. It is very hard for me to say this, but I think this is something we need to work on.

4. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY.  If I’m dry, I don’t say Hi (HAH! Got this from another poster here at TAM)

WHAT I WILL SAY. I’d like more foreplay before sex. A lot of times I am wet and ready to go, but often I have to reach for the lube to get you in me. I’d rather be naturally wet so I’d like more foreplay at these times.

5. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. I don’t think it’s a “romance killer” to tell you what I’d like during sex. I think it’s a romance killer for you to be oblivious to my wants and needs.

WHAT I WILL SAY. Although I understand how it ruins the romance of it and makes lovemaking too technical, which is really one of the reasons I’ve never said anything before, it’s important to me to be able to tell you what makes me feel good, what I’d like more of, or less of. I don’t want to feel shy/reluctant to tell you things that will make me feel better. If you’re performing OS, like the other day, you were doing a long stroke that felt really good. I wanted you to do that more. I want to be able to tell you this.

Well, that's my script. As suggested by SimplyAmorous, I'm going to put some bullet points on an index card.

If any of you have anything to add, change, delete, re-word, please let me know. Thanks for reading my long-winded posts. I need to be productive and get some work done today!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> So, we have a conversation planned for tonight (although weeknights are so tough – he’s beat from work and often the kids are up late).


Don't buy into this. I bet if he wanted a BJ he wouldn't be to tired.




IsGirl3 said:


> 1. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. I want orgasm equity. If you’re not giving me OS, and we have PIV sex, I don’t get to have an orgasm and you do. Sometimes we do it twice, sometimes we have sex twice at night then again in the morning, and I still don’t have an orgasm. You orgasm more than me at least 4 to 1. Probably 5 to 1.


Just be sure to not make orgasms a tit-for-tat thing. My ex-wife did that. If he wants to orgasm and you're not ready/can't that night, no biggy. The next night he can give you two or three or four and not even have one himself. It's not a chart on the wall, it's sex. It should be fun and about making each other happy, not a scoreboard. This isn't basketball.




IsGirl3 said:


> 2. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. I want better oral sex. For 30 years I’ve wanted you to do this differently and better, but didn’t want to hurt your ego. Sometimes it’s so boring and you’re licking furiously at the wrong spot, I count to 100 over and over to pass the time. So many times I’ve wanted to “move to the left” or “slower” or “higher” or “lighter” or “tease me” but never would.


Remember, this is also your fault. His ego be damned, you have to communicate what you want. Imagine how pissed you'd be if he said you were giving bad BJ's for 30 years but never told you until now.



IsGirl3 said:


> 3. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. You have a PE problem, which you’ve had for decades. You need to get help. Sex should last more than 3 minutes on a good day. I feel super bad for you when you have an orgasm in 5 seconds because I know how bad you feel. There is no way I will ever have that long hoped for vaginal orgasm if sex only lasts 3 minutes. I just figured it was me unable to have a vaginal orgasm, but I’ve learned it takes more time than that to have one.


This should be what you WILL say.



IsGirl3 said:


> 4. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. If I’m dry, I don’t say Hi (HAH! Got this from another poster here at TAM)


You should also say this, though I'd add "unless I get a lot of foreplay first."



IsGirl3 said:


> 5. WHAT I’D LIKE TO SAY. I don’t think it’s a “romance killer” to tell you what I’d like during sex. I think it’s a romance killer for you to be oblivious to my wants and needs.


Bang on accurate. Honestly, you should go with what you want to say most of the time, just be polite about it. Remember, his ego is likely strong enough to handle it. What his ego might noe be able to take is implications that this has been a failure on his part for three decades, and that is arguably moreso your fault than his, since it's your obligation to tell him what he's doing wrong (and if he's to big of a crybaby to take it, to tell him to suck it up). I'd imagine I'd need to be easied into it gently that I've been a crappy lover since Reagan's first term.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Ha! Thanks, Kingsfan! 

I don't want to be to honest and cause irreparable harm.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

IsGirl, let us know if the CAT position worked for you and your husband. May take some practice but worth it in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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