# How did we get here? (repost)



## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

I'm adding this here under advice from another member. My apologies for the double post.

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Help me out here, guys. Married 12 years. I don't know what has happened to our sex life but it's gotten pretty short, quick, and to his point. Basically it's when he wants it, he stretches out while I do the stimulation, then he gets his and we're done. I enjoy some of it, but by no means have any release or satisfaction. 

When I'm in the mood, 3 out of 4 times it's a no-go. When he's in the mood, it's nearly always a go - I've never wanted to deny him unless I'm really not wanting to, which is rare. I've always felt like this is the "wife" thing to do, and always felt good, maybe even proud (?) about that. 

So how did we get to this place? We haven't made love in years, basically he jacks off in me (I'm sorry for the crudity, but it's the truth). I try and do the things that turn him on - wear my hair, clothing, makeup as he likes it, etc and yet I still have to flat-out ask for compliments. I never get compliments, a kiss, a hug, etc from him without asking unless he wants sex. NEVER. Yet I'm complimented from time to time by other men - strangers. How can a stranger compliment me and yet get nothing from my husband? I try to grab him every now and then and give him a slow loving kiss, quick pecks on the cheek, I rub his feet, hug him when he gets home, rub his back or touch him in some way when I pass him, leave him a voice mail from time to time to just tell him I was thinking of him. Yet from him, I get.... nothing?

I try to slow things down in the bedroom, but it's clear he wants sex, not love, and wants it dirty and to his satisfaction. Several times he's mentioned envying a friend of ours who has an open marriage, wishing he could have a girlfriend too, wanting to go to Vegas to the bunny ranch, etc. I've never had a problem with him having porn as long as it was hidden and in moderation - I consider it healthy to a point, but in the last 6 months more and more DVD's have been arriving in the mail and it's porn with odd themes and very rough sex - different than before.

I can feel us slipping away - it's been going on for years and is becoming more and more apparent. I recently ran into an old boyfriend that was shocked at how little I've changed in all these years. I inspire more admiration and desire in others than I do in my own spouse. Please don't get me wrong - I don't want anyone else, so that makes this hurt even more. I'm just clueless - I want to feel that connection and desire from my own spouse


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He is a fool. He is lucky you are still with him, a man who does not appreciate his wife has to realize that someone else will make her feel special desired and beautiful. 

I don't know why some people (men and women) believe they can put no effort into maintaining their relationships.

You need to let him know that it isn't working for you and some changes need to be made.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm hoping some of the other men and women will join in and offer advice. There's just alot of collective wisdom on this site.

Reading your response to the other post, it seems like so much of your effort was completely focused on pleasing him, but fearful that suggesting that your needs were not being met might hurt him. Obviously, you can't go back and redo the past, but I think that you can talk to him about it in a way that doesn't trigger that mysterious ED button in his head, or cause him to react in a hurtful, immature way. I think this is possible because at some level, most guys want to think of themselves as a lover that meets their wives needs.

Maybe consider starting out by letting him know that so much of who you are as a person is invested in wanting him to be satisfied sexually, but as your relationship matures, you would like to work together to build it into a deeper connection. Just tell him that this is very important because you don't want to see the two of you drift apart as your bodies and needs change. Some will say that he just needs to know that you are dissatisfied, but it seems like your primary focus is just on going forward, so revealing the dissapointment is often more than some immature guys can handle. At least until there is no other option.

Believe it or not, a woman who is comfortable with revealing her needs and desires in an open, positive way is very desirable to most men. And as I said in the previous reply, a woman who lets a guy know that his needs are important to her deserves to have a husband who works even harder to meet her needs.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I hate to be so impersonal. But, I think you'd benefit from this link.

Tell us what you think of it. You sound like the "hot partner"

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Like I said; he's broken. A man who turns down his wife throwing sex at him is broken. A man who treats his wife as a sex device is broken.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Like I said; he's broken. A man who turns down his wife throwing sex at him is broken. A man who treats his wife as a sex device is broken.


I might really like you. :rofl:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lovingwifewannabe said:


> I might really like you. :rofl:


Someone should.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Burn! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Someone should.



A well-needed laugh today, thank you!


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I hate to be so impersonal. But, I think you'd benefit from this link.
> 
> Tell us what you think of it. You sound like the "hot partner"
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


WOW. I am amazed, and yes - I'm definitely the hot partner. I'm going to look into this some more. I'll admit though - I never wanted to constantly monitor and adjust my marriage. Just doesn't seem like it should be necessary, KWIM? *sigh*


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lovingwifewannabe said:


> WOW. I am amazed, and yes - I'm definitely the hot partner. I'm going to look into this some more. I'll admit though - I never wanted to constantly monitor and adjust my marriage. Just doesn't seem like it should be necessary, KWIM? *sigh*


Depends on if you want it to work.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Depends on if you want it to work.


OK, honest question then. Is everybodys marriage like that? 

Constantly gauging whether you should touch or kiss your spouse, whether you should be hot or cold. Seems to hint of manipulation, which I never wanted my marriage to be.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Wow. Long talk about some things with DH lately and I think that some of these problems are stemming from other things, deeper things with him that may be signs of big changes to come. Part of me wondered if that was it..


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Lovingwifewannabe said:


> Wow. Long talk about some things with DH lately and I think that some of these problems are stemming from other things, deeper things with him that may be signs of big changes to come. Part of me wondered if that was it..


Sounds like you made a connection with your DH. I hope the changes that may be coming are positive ones.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

Lovingwifewannabe said:


> OK, honest question then. Is everybodys marriage like that?
> 
> Constantly gauging whether you should touch or kiss your spouse, whether you should be hot or cold. Seems to hint of manipulation, which I never wanted my marriage to be.


if I could disconnect her from FB long enough to actually flirt and the like, I would be all over that.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Lovingwifewannabe said:


> OK, honest question then. Is everybodys marriage like that?
> 
> Constantly gauging whether you should touch or kiss your spouse, whether you should be hot or cold. Seems to hint of manipulation, which I never wanted my marriage to be.


It's nice to leave a little space to let your lover fall into, yes. There's a balance to be had there between clingy and distant. But the solution to him being too distant isn't for you to get more clingy and vice versa. That's what we engineers call a negative feedback loop.

Hailen when a lot easier on him than I would have, but Runs like a Dog was a lot harsher .


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Lovingwifewannabe said:


> Wow. Long talk about some things with DH lately and I think that some of these problems are stemming from other things, deeper things with him that may be signs of big changes to come. Part of me wondered if that was it..



Could go either way at this point. You can't make someone be "in love" with you and want you, no matter how deeply they love you to begin with. Ball is in his court at this moment.


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