# Heartbroken and trying to cope



## Shoegal99 (Jun 1, 2015)

Hi. I just discovered this site and have found many great ideas on here already. I am new to this world. I have been married for nearly 20 years, 4 kids, big house, great career, great friends. Recently I was out to dinner with friends , got a text from another friend that she just saw my husband walk into a bar clear across town. I figured that was no good so I went to see what was going on. He was there on a "first date". I discovered that he had been on March.com for months, posing as a divorced man. He has also been hooking up with girls he has been meeting in bars. I spoke to several women (via his phone bill). He has been chasing girls aggressively for at least a year. He admits "deciding that I was his ex" about 5 years ago and acting accordingly. I really don't know the full extent and probably never will. His most recent fling is also married, with kids, so now he is destroying two families. He shows little remorse, seems more sorry he got caught then sorry he cheated. He moved out (to a house next door that we also own). I am still shocked and stunned that this is a person I don't seem to know! He is a wonderful liar, which I didn't know. I feel like an idiot, but I was busy working and raising kids. I i still have feelings for him and don't know how to "get over him". I would be willing to forgive him and work on the marriage, but he seems to be having the time of his life, feels liberated and enlightened, and says that too bad I caught him, because until I did this wasn't hurting me any. I feel so rejected. I have kept myself in shape, we had a good sex life (He still tries to hook up with me occasionally). He thinks we can be friends and no one else should know. I am too hurt and angry, but part of me still wants him back? How do I move on?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Shoegal99 said:


> Hi. I just discovered this site and have found many great ideas on here already. I am new to this world. I have been married for nearly 20 years, 4 kids, big house, great career, great friends. Recently I was out to dinner with friends , got a text from another friend that she just saw my husband walk into a bar clear across town. I figured that was no good so I went to see what was going on. He was there on a "first date". I discovered that he had been on March.com for months, posing as a divorced man. He has also been hooking up with girls he has been meeting in bars. I spoke to several women (via his phone bill). He has been chasing girls aggressively for at least a year. He admits "deciding that I was his ex" about 5 years ago and acting accordingly. I really don't know the full extent and probably never will. His most recent fling is also married, with kids, so now he is destroying two families. He shows little remorse, seems more sorry he got caught then sorry he cheated. He moved out (to a house next door that we also own). I am still shocked and stunned that this is a person I don't seem to know! He is a wonderful liar, which I didn't know. I feel like an idiot, but I was busy working and raising kids. I i still have feelings for him and don't know how to "get over him". I would be willing to forgive him and work on the marriage, but he seems to be having the time of his life, feels liberated and enlightened, and says that too bad I caught him, because until I did this wasn't hurting me any. I feel so rejected. I have kept myself in shape, we had a good sex life (He still tried to hook up with me occasionally). He thinks we can be friends and no one else should know. I am too hurt and angry, but part of me still wants him back? *How do I move on?*


*GusPo's Three Step Plan for "Moving On"*

1. File for divorce ASAP and -- if it matters at all where you live (probably not) -- cite infidelity as the cause. Expose his affairs to friends and family when the inevitable questions w/ respect to "Why...?" start flooding in.

2. Implement a solid and thorough 180 in order to help you to more fully detach from him. The 180 is your friend; learn it, live it, love it.

3. Additionally, inform the other woman's husband that he's been sharing his wife w/ another man.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

File for divorce. You don't want to hear that, I assume, but he is gone & if he weren't, you wouldn't want a man who has no respect for you.

There is a spectrum of selfish that we see here all the time. Your WH is on the extreme end of the spectrum. He really doesn't care that you are hurt. Think more of yourself than that. He's a crappy human being.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Willing to forgive him??

He is a serial betrayer who is destroying families and you'd like to take him back in? After how he has, and is, lying to you?

Listen, while I can appreciate this nuclear bomb being dropped on you and how staggering it is (happened to me), dig deep and find some dignity and self worth. He has blatantly betrayed all that was good to him for sex with mindless [_unbelievable foul expletive deleted_] and kicked you to the curb like a sack of trash. 

This is so hard, but you need to look forward and think about you and the kids. He's toast. Sure, remember the fond times but this is the work of someone who will never change. Make sure everyone knows on social media and also family... He refuses to take accountability and he needs to.


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## Shoegal99 (Jun 1, 2015)

I did tell the other husband, he was shocked and sad too. You guys are all correct, I have been thinking of everyone but myself for too long and have lost my sense of self worth. I am sad for my kids (He actually is a pretty good dad believe it or not). I honestly think he truly wanted and expected to have his respectable family life and his secret sordid one and I messed that up for him by catching him. I just always wanted to be a happy family, and its hard to lose that ideal. Also the thought of starting over in the daring world makes me want to throw up.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If there is the slightest chance to save your marriage, it will only come about if you begin the process of divorce, make sure he receives all due consequences, and make every effort to detach from him.

Should he turn around at all, these actions will likely be the catalyst. If at some point he accepts those consequences, offers complete transparency, and demonstrates convincing remorse; you at least have a starting point to "consider" R. But not unless or until.

If he doesn't turn around - and you shouldn't expect he will; you are at the very least, getting a good start with going forward with your life.

Sorry you're here.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Sorry you are here . I have no advice to give, just encouragement that you will get through this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Stop giving him what he wants. He wants you to be quiet about this, but there's no reason to do that except that...he wants it.

Read up on 'cake eating.' This is what he is doing in an open, in-your-face way.

Take his cake away. File for divorce and do a 180 for yourself. Inform family and friends that you are divorcing him because he is a lousy, lousy husband.

And believe me, you may be able to separate the awful husband from the good father, but your kids won't separate them. He will sink in their esteem, and well he should.

Retake control of your life. Start exposing and file for D.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Sorry your going through this, but why are you willing to forgive him. This is giving him the green light to do what he wants and that its ok for him to be doing this to which its not. I would seriously think... well if it was me i would not need to think. Hes posing as a single man for years, hooking up with other women at bars and seeing a married woman with children so ruining not just your relationship, but someone else's too. He has not remorse youve said that, hes only sorry hes got caught... not good.

I hope you realise that you deserve so much more than this. I really do not think he will change or that he even wants to. It must be so hard with him just moving next door  . Please do not let him come and go as he pleases hes having his cake and eat it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> *GusPo's Three Step Plan for "Moving On"*
> 
> 1. File for divorce ASAP and -- if it matters at all where you live (probably not) -- cite infidelity as the cause. Expose his affairs to friends and family when the inevitable questions w/ respect to "Why...?" start flooding in.
> 
> ...



4. Get tested for STDs and realize your H put your life at risk by his choices. He just played Russian Roulette with your life.


5. Exposure is your friend. Bring the darkness into the light...


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Get a divorce, ASAP. You have excellent advise from posters here. See a psychologist to help you build your self-esteem. Do not be in a "friends with benefits" scenario. You are not a tramp. Give yourself some dignity.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

So sorry you're here. My STBXH did this on a smaller scale - checked out of a 20+ years marriage with a beautiful son two years ago, but didn't bother to tell me, and started an affair with the OW last year, I've come to find out, by lying to her and telling her he was already separated and seeking a divorce. (He also told her, and all our friends, that I asked for a separation/divorce two years ago. Not true.) I found out about her in February, only because she texted and called him in rapid succession one Friday night when I happened to be sitting next to him and his phone was between us, face up. And the text was not something a casual acquaintance sends. Technology can be our friend. He thinks he was being mindful of my feelings by not telling me about any of this - it's one of the many lies he still tells himself - very much like your husband's outrageously insensitive "It's a shame you found out, because this wasn't hurting you." (The cognitive dissonance in that statement, alone, is stupefying.) It turns out we have both been married to pathological liars for two decades.

Read the 180. Read it again. And again. I read it every day. The bit that has always resonated with me the most is "Believe nothing you hear, and less than 50% of what you see." They really will say ANYTHING about you and your marriage, and in the most strident, negative tones possible, to justify their actions to themselves (trust me - they are not trying to justify their actions to you and me - they don't care about us and what we think or feel anymore). He will rewrite your marital history, and paint you as something you absolutely have never been. Don't believe any of it for a second, and don't let him get away with telling that story all over town. You simply tell all your mutual friends and family what is really happening. As others have said, it is not your job to protect him or lie for him. Don't let him make you into the liar that he is.

Feel the anger rising in you? Good. Channel that anger. It will pull you through this if you let it. But you mustn't let it consume you. If you like to drink, I recommend quitting that. Constant rage is not healthy. But anger is. It will help you get past the staggering grief you feel at the loss of your dreams of what you thought your future would be, because it will help you clearly see exactly what your husband is, and always has been, and that you and your children deserve so much better than that.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You don't see it now, but later on down the road you will thank god that your husband is an utter d0uche.. Because if he was good at feigning remorse you have fallen for it hook line and sinker and taken him back..

You have 2 homes and a job.. I would talk to a good divorce lawyer ASAP and find out what the laws in your state prescribe.. In some states infidelity matters and in other ( like in NYC ) it don't mean sh!t..

Again I know you don't see this now, but he is making it easier for you.. Otherwise you will be the fool looking down this road again in the next few years wondering why you just didn't get divorced X amount of years in the past.. Trust me my Ex wife was a good remorseful liar and I fell for it several times..

Many don't want to hear this ATM, but eventually you will get it. Once you start dating again, and you will... You will see how quickly you forget him.. 

As was mentioned, out him to everyone... It will keep him busy and off your back, or he will try to tell everyone what an emotionless dead fish you are to cover his back. Which in turn will show you even more what a total d0uche he is and why it is good you are leaving him..

Surround your self with family and good friends that will help you keep busy and away from him.. 

Again trust me once he see's a man walking in your home or picking you up.. His tune will change.. 

You will realize that for woman with the world is their oyster as far as dating goes.. All you need to do is put up a profile online and then you will see HOW MANY MEN will be interested in you.. Your big issues is sorting out the crazies from the normals.. Again you will develop a skill for that over time.

Your probably wondering why I am not talking about your emotional issues.. 

Here is the sad and hard reality.. There is NOTHING we can do for you here but listen and keep telling you it will get better and you will be alright.. 

But there is no magic potion, no mantra, no spell or magic symbol anyone here can tell you that will make this easier for you.. 

I will tell you the pain will at times become unbearable.. It will feel like your heart is ripping through your chest.. You want to fall into a coma just so you don't have to dream about this stuff and then wake up still thinking about the stuff you were just dreaming about.. 

The only, only thing that will help is time.. If you can survive the TIME it WILL get better. But I tell you that TIME is a motherfvcker.. It plays tricks on you.. It will feel like weeks have passed and its been only days.. It will feel like there are 36 hours in a day.. Days will meld into each other and you won't know what day it is sometimes.. 

My story is in my signature, labeled mymistake.. Read to to learn what NOT to do.. How trying to beg doesn't mean sh!t and it doesn't work.. 

If you really, really want to know how to get him back ? 

Its very simple.. Do the opposite of what your doing now.. All you need to do is date or let him think at least your really dating.. When he see's that and he realizes that someone else is putting their d1ck in you.. He will change his tune ASAP.. Mind you I am not trying to be vulgar, but its how us men think.. Men don't think about the date.. We don't even think about the date.. The minute you go into that car, you are fvcking this other man.. If your at a restaurant. Your having sex in the bathroom.. Its just how most men think.. 

But honestly, whats the point of getting him back.. He clearly is showing you what a piece of sh!t he is.. You honestly can't get lower than him, unless he brings one home to do in front of you and the kids.. 

Even if you got him back, he clearly has told you he wants to screw around.. 

So just let him go and move on.. 

Keep posting here.. Do NOT make other threads.. Keep your story to ONE thread.. Otherwise people will give you answers about stuff not knowing the full background.. If you look at my thread I am already divorced and dating someone.. I still post most of my issues in that same thread.. 

Keep posting.. Come here to cry.. It does help.. But most of all stay strong, we all know its hard.. Take it from a guy who looked at suicide as a way out a few years back.. Just stick it out it really does get better.. You will go back and look at your thread 12 months from now and wonder what you were thinking sometimes..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> *GusPo's Three Step Plan for "Moving On"*
> 
> 1. File for divorce ASAP and -- if it matters at all where you live (probably not) -- cite infidelity as the cause. Expose his affairs to friends and family when the inevitable questions w/ respect to "Why...?" start flooding in.
> 
> ...


Worth repeating!

I just want to add....phuck him...it's time you show your old man his new reality!

The POS risks your health and still wants to be friends.....tell him you would rather be a pen pal with a convict in prison then be his phucking friend.

Hell why would you still want to screw your old man? You can catch the same diseases from a much younger guy.
5 years ago your old man could had the balls to dumb you with honor...now he is just a POS in my book.

Show him his new reality and take him to the cleaners. I say once the cash starts flowing in (even more so then now) then you can be friends.

And good luck girl on finding a cooler step dad for the kids, I bet once this crap blows over you will have looking:grin2:


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Shoegal99 said:


> *(He actually is a pretty good dad believe it or not)*. (


No he's not.

He's put himself ahead of his family, not just you. That's not being a good dad.

Your kids will probably eventually find out about this. What message does that send to them? That marriages can be thrown away? That spouses can be disrespected and lied to?

Being a good parent is more than paying attention to the kids, or spending time with them. It's raising them to have healthy and respectful values towards the opposite sex and of relationships.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Shoegal99 said:


> Hi. I just discovered this site and have found many great ideas on here already. I am new to this world. I have been married for nearly 20 years, 4 kids, big house, great career, great friends. Recently I was out to dinner with friends , got a text from another friend that she just saw my husband walk into a bar clear across town. I figured that was no good so I went to see what was going on. He was there on a "first date". I discovered that he had been on March.com for months, posing as a divorced man. He has also been hooking up with girls he has been meeting in bars. I spoke to several women (via his phone bill). He has been chasing girls aggressively for at least a year. He admits "deciding that I was his ex" about 5 years ago and acting accordingly. I really don't know the full extent and probably never will. His most recent fling is also married, with kids, so now he is destroying two families. He shows little remorse, seems more sorry he got caught then sorry he cheated. He moved out (to a house next door that we also own). I am still shocked and stunned that this is a person I don't seem to know! He is a wonderful liar, which I didn't know. I feel like an idiot, but I was busy working and raising kids. I i still have feelings for him and don't know how to "get over him". * I would be willing to forgive him and work on the marriage*, but he seems to be having the time of his life, feels liberated and enlightened, and says that too bad I caught him, because until I did this wasn't hurting me any. I feel so rejected. I have kept myself in shape, we had a good sex life (He still tries to hook up with me occasionally). He thinks we can be friends and no one else should know. I am too hurt and angry, but part of me still wants him back? How do I move on?


Do not, under any circumstances, pursue this course of action unless he is taking measures to stop his behavior and work on repairing himself and your marriage. And you wanna know something? I am saying this as the "cheater" in my marriage....but here's the deal...I am immersed in group and individual counseling to get to the reasons why I have done what I did to my wife. You may have an uphill battle though, because nowhere do I read in your post that he is showing remorse. He should be on his knees, at your feet begging forgiveness...which he is not.

His behavior is wrong on so many levels and I truly do feel for you. I wish you the best in whatever you decide, but we're all here for you, ok? I know it is hard, but stay strong and hold true to your convictions.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Shoegal99 said:


> Hi. I just discovered this site and have found many great ideas on here already. I am new to this world. I have been married for nearly 20 years, 4 kids, big house, great career, great friends. Recently I was out to dinner with friends , got a text from another friend that she just saw my husband walk into a bar clear across town. I figured that was no good so I went to see what was going on. He was there on a "first date". I discovered that he had been on March.com for months, posing as a divorced man. He has also been hooking up with girls he has been meeting in bars. I spoke to several women (via his phone bill). He has been chasing girls aggressively for at least a year. He admits "deciding that I was his ex" about 5 years ago and acting accordingly. I really don't know the full extent and probably never will. His most recent fling is also married, with kids, so now he is destroying two families. He shows little remorse, seems more sorry he got caught then sorry he cheated. He moved out (to a house next door that we also own). I am still shocked and stunned that this is a person I don't seem to know! He is a wonderful liar, which I didn't know. I feel like an idiot, but I was busy working and raising kids. I i still have feelings for him and don't know how to "get over him". * I would be willing to forgive him and work on the marriage*, but he seems to be having the time of his life, feels liberated and enlightened, and says that too bad I caught him, because until I did this wasn't hurting me any. I feel so rejected. I have kept myself in shape, we had a good sex life (He still tries to hook up with me occasionally). He thinks we can be friends and no one else should know. I am too hurt and angry, but part of me still wants him back? How do I move on?


He is showing no remorse. You can't have a true reconciliation with someone who is not remorseful.

I say divorce him. And I think the way to move on is to focus on how thoroughly he lacks remorse for his actions. Get angry. Anger is a very motivating force. Just don't show the anger in front of the kids, as it may boomerang on you. Just keep it for yourself.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are in this place and your WH has shown no remorse. You do not listen to or believe one word he says from here on out. 
You have gotten the steps you need to take from the posters here. Blow his secret life out of the water and expose him to everyone who will listen, that will give him a major reality check.
File for divorce, (you can always retract depending on how you feel) and let him bear the consequences of child support etc , maybe he'll have less time to go on dates. 
Who owns the houses you are both living in? If you are the bread winner, evict him and sell the house he is living in.

Do NOT listen to any of his sob stories as he will try and manipulate you. No-one deserves to be treated like this for over five years, you deserve better.


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## Shoegal99 (Jun 1, 2015)

Thanks for all your responses, there were all helpful. I looked up that 180 thing and that is brilliant. I am trying to do that. It s been two days now since I have had anything but the briefest conversations about the kids. You are all right, Asking him to not ruin our family and try to work things out is not working. It just gives him the opportunity to say awful things to me, like "you just weren't fun anymore" (not true), and "You make me miserable" (I think he makes himself miserable.) I don't want to be divorced and do this to my kids, but I need to realize that I did not do this, he did. I have been pretty brainwashed for a while so its gonna take me a while to realize that maybe I am better off without him. As to some of your suggestions, I did get tested for STD (negative thank God) and I do have a great therapist who is really helping me. I guess I just need time and distance from him. I would not wish being cheated on on my worst enemy. This is the most pain I have ever endured. I also hate the feeling of helplessness , as I am kind of a control freak, and right now I don't feel like I have control over my life. The worst is how he is just so cold, he seems to have no compassion for me at all.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Shoegal99 said:


> The worst is how he is just so cold, he seems to have no compassion for me at all.


I'm there, too, and it hurts. 

He's angry at you for exposing the ugliness inside him. He has to face it now, and that's your fault. (In his warped mind)


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He has already detached and now you should, too, in my opinion.

Implement the 180. You will feel much better very soon. This is your life and he doesn't get to live it for you. You deserve better. That is your mantra now. Good luck!


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

since you gave your life to this man and he did a terrible thing to you... maybe next time you will understand that marriage is a scam... a joke... a facade goes against biology 

The sooner everyone understands this the better off they will be ....


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## sargon (May 7, 2015)

quiesedba said:


> since you gave your life to this man and he did a terrible thing to you... maybe next time you will understand that marriage is a scam... a joke... a facade goes against biology
> 
> The sooner everyone understands this the better off they will be ....


Marriage is an artificial construct, nothing more than a business contract that is broken up to 50% of the time.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Shoegal99 said:


> Thanks for all your responses, there were all helpful. I looked up that 180 thing and that is brilliant. I am trying to do that. It s been two days now since I have had anything but the briefest conversations about the kids. You are all right, Asking him to not ruin our family and try to work things out is not working. It just gives him the opportunity to say awful things to me, like "you just weren't fun anymore" (not true), and "You make me miserable" (I think he makes himself miserable.) I don't want to be divorced and do this to my kids, but I need to realize that I did not do this, he did. I have been pretty brainwashed for a while so its gonna take me a while to realize that maybe I am better off without him. As to some of your suggestions, I did get tested for STD (negative thank God) and I do have a great therapist who is really helping me. I guess I just need time and distance from him. I would not wish being cheated on on my worst enemy. This is the most pain I have ever endured. I also hate the feeling of helplessness , as I am kind of a control freak, and right now I don't feel like I have control over my life. The worst is how he is just so cold, he seems to have no compassion for me at all.


I've been through this as well shoegal..
If you met my ex wife you would think I had the affair.. 
I think what happens is, they are so out of love with us and they just pretending so long that once the cat is out of the bag. It's like a relief for them.. They no longer have to carry this secret around.. 

So while we are still mourning the loss of our marriage, they went through this LONG AGO... They are way past this point.. 

The reason they do this is because they are fvcking cowards.. They are like monkeys swinging in a tree.. They won't let go of one branch ( which is you ) before grabbing another ( which is the new person ).. 

God forbid they act like human beings and just end it and go through the process of being alone and such like we are going through.. But they can't.. They need that support of that other person to cope with this.. 

Oddly the greatest thing here is, at the end of all of this you will be so much stronger.. Mind you it will fvck you up in the sense you will not look to rely on anyone. You will not have it in you to give yourself to anyone anymore.. When people let you down you will pretty much learn to accept it as the norm.. 

Simple example my GF is working more cases than usual. So when billing time comes I don't get to see her during the week. So for maybe 2 weeks I only see her Friday night ( 11 PM ) into Saturday and then Sunday into the afternoon ( around 6 PM ). 

During the weeks I do see her its usually on a Wednesday. Its only one day, but I tell you it makes a difference seeing her one day during the week. 

When we first met, we seen each other almost 4 to 5 days out of the week. So it me it seems like we are going backwards.. Add in some issues and fights.. To me it feels like the relationship is just falling apart.. Mind you I get it has to do with my insecurities as well. But that's how I feel.

I expressed my concerns but today when she says I want to see you tonight at 8 am and then tells me at 5 PM she can't see me tonight.. I don't get crushed as I already expected not to see her.. This mentality is based upon my experiences from my divorce.. 

I will say it here that I wouldn't tell her as not to hurt her. But today my state of mind will allow me to cut her loose at a moment's notice. 

Again you seem much stronger than I was.. I am pretty sure if you read my postings, you could see the tears on the screen as I typed.. 

Keep posting.. Stay Strong.. Again as much as a d!ck he is being, I can tell you this is much better than him faking it and then you catching him again.. 

This attitude just shows you how heartless he can be.. Its this attitude which will define the relationship you have with him for the rest of your lives..

My ex wife line was always " I'm sorry I just don't love you anymore".. 

I told her does that mean or do you think that can just excuse you from what you did to me and what you're doing to me now and still doing ?... 

This is of course as she would walk out the door to go meet this other man to fvck and then come home 4 hours later to me and the kids.. 

You will come to learn that these people do not deserve anything, let alone another chance.. 

I wouldn't piss on my ex wife teeth if they were on fire.. I would feel bad for my sons and the heartache they might feel at the passing of their mom.. But I wouldn't shed a tear, because I know she wouldn't do it for me..


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