# Unexpected separation since April



## hope4fam (May 25, 2009)

My wife moved out after an argument shortly after the begining of April. We are 27 and 28 years of age witha 3.5 year old daughter. 
My wife and I fight very differently, she holds it in and usually doesn;t say much, while I will pick and get mad while not outrageous I have said things that I regret. 
Immediately, she told me I would have to seek a year's counseling before she would even consider getting back together. 
So I found a counselor right away and am on my 8th session. She refuses to go to joint counseling. 
She has recently told me that her mind is mostly made up, but that when she sees me, she says its "tough"
Right now I am just trying to buy time, so that maybe the dust will settle and she will come around. 
It is very hard, I wake up missing her and go to bed thinking about her.
To make things worse, I miss my little girl, but I have been getting to see her more and more since we seperated. 
I have done all the wrong things like begged her to go to counseling, showed weakness and called daily and so on. 
Sometimes I feel like I should just start moving on, not answer her calls and so on, but the problem is that if I don't anwser her calls, I don't get to talk to my daughter. The same goes for if I call. 
She said that she would meet to talk to me this week, I want her back but what should I say-
Suggest counseling again?
Talk about how I don't want to be a part time dad-
How can I be strong when I am hurting badly. 
How long should I give her to come around, honestly things seem slightly better. But I don't think she's ready for counseling.
Any suggestions?


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

Ask her if she would attend your couseling session with you. Tell her you are working on yourself, and want her involved. 

If she shows no interest I say, what a great oppritunity you have for yourself! With the help of your therapist, you can hopefully find some more of you in there, and possibly be shown that you can be a good man, and father, even without her. Remember life does continue on... and you can have an excellent life no matter what the outcome of your marriage is. 

Remember you can not change the way your wife thinks and feels, but you can be there for your child, and be an excellent daddy by showing her two happy parents.

I know being away from the child can be devestating. My H told me that he didn't want me to leave because he didn't want to lose the kids. He doesn't care if I stay or go... In your case I would tell your wife that you do not want to be a part time dad, you want to be included and invited into all of your childs activities and appointments. 

If I were you, just to stick it to my spouse, during this meeting, I would let them know that life continues on without them. That things are fine.. and you are fine. I wouldn't dwell on how devastated you feel or any of that. Maybe that will get her mind dwindling! Wondering what she is missing now!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi!

Sorry you are going though this. I wish I could give advice to instantly fix the situation, but I can't. It is going to take time for that empty feeling to go away. You are doing the best thing--going to counseling and working on "you". There's a booked titled "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman, which I found to be most helpful in the early days of my separation. The book has heavy religious overtones, so I realize it may not be for everyone. However, it offers sound advice to the newly separated person.

Spending time with family and friends does help too! Hang in there!


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