# Somewhat Inhibited



## SGBT (Oct 12, 2017)

Hi. I am new to this forum, but have found it helpful to read the questions, problems, and helpful advice, so here it goes. My H and I have been together for about 20 years. He is much more adventurous and comfortable with his sexuality than I am by nature. He knows I have a wild side, and that I did not come into our relationship inexperienced, but I do struggle with feeling sort of shy, or shame, or just plain difficulty talking about sex, which is frustrating to him. I will try to get on board and be the wild woman he thinks I can be, but I usually need alcohol or weed to relax me and to become uninhibited. He is patient, and not demanding, but every so many months will go by, and we will have a blow-up fight and he will bring up the sex. When this happens, I get so sad and hopeless, and often imagine he would be happier without me. We discuss the issues, and I try harder, but our sex life then calms down to what I "considered normal", and he considers unfulfilling. He needs to have in his words "an adrenaline rush". He likes to keep things on a slow-simmer at all times, via sexting with me, sharing fantasies, and being experimental regarding sex. My fear is losing him because I don't maintain the level of simmer he requires to feel excited and interested til death do us part. I am open to all suggestions, and am working on getting more comfortable in my skin, and not listening to the judgemental voices in my head (figuratively speaking). It has helped to begin listening to the Pleasure Mechanics podcast, in that I realize my H is "normal", and I am the one with the "sex problem". They talk about sex in such a non-threatening manner. I wish I could just genuinely feel relaxed about it instead of always feeling like I have to "try", making it an effort. Please help.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Normal covers a wide range. You are not wrong. He is not wrong. The question is whether you can be compatible. 

When you do more "wild" things with him do you enjoy it? Are there fantasies you have that you would like him to act on?

Is the issue with the general level of intimacy that he wants, or is it that there are specific things he likes to do that you don't like? If they are things you don't like is it due to physical discomfort, or just feeling that they are "wrong" or not fun in some way.

Is he willing to do everything you want in terms of sex and romance?


From posts its always difficult to get a clear picture of what is going on. By experimental does he mean a spontaneous BJ in the kitchen once in a while, or are we talking scuba gear and hot pokers?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SGBT said:


> Hi. I am new to this forum, but have found it helpful to read the questions, problems, and helpful advice, so here it goes. My H and I have been together for about 20 years. He is much more adventurous and comfortable with his sexuality than I am by nature. He knows I have a wild side, and that I did not come into our relationship inexperienced, but I do struggle with feeling sort of shy, or shame, or just plain difficulty talking about sex, which is frustrating to him. I will try to get on board and be the wild woman he thinks I can be, but I usually need alcohol or weed to relax me and to become uninhibited. He is patient, and not demanding, but every so many months will go by, and we will have a blow-up fight and he will bring up the sex. When this happens, I get so sad and hopeless, and often imagine he would be happier without me. We discuss the issues, and I try harder, but our sex life then calms down to what I "considered normal", and he considers unfulfilling. He needs to have in his words "an adrenaline rush". He likes to keep things on a slow-simmer at all times, via sexting with me, sharing fantasies, and being experimental regarding sex. My fear is losing him because I don't maintain the level of simmer he requires to feel excited and interested til death do us part. I am open to all suggestions, and am working on getting more comfortable in my skin, and not listening to the judgemental voices in my head (figuratively speaking). It has helped to begin listening to the Pleasure Mechanics podcast, in that I realize my H is "normal", and I am the one with the "sex problem". They talk about sex in such a non-threatening manner. I wish I could just genuinely feel relaxed about it instead of always feeling like I have to "try", making it an effort. Please help.


It sounds like you are already on the right path. Keep it up and just chill about it. I think arguments are a normal part of any relationship, even arguments about sex. As long as you are resolving things amiably, I wouldn't stress too much about it. You haven't mentioned it so it seems as though you don't suspect he has a wandering eye, which is good. Also, many people need the assistance of weed, alcohol or even prescription drugs to unleash their inner beast, so I wouldn't be all that too concerned about that either. Keep up the good work it sounds like you are doing fine. I am not sure if any of that is what you were looking for, but it doesn't sound like you are off the mark at all and might just need a pat on the back


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## SGBT (Oct 12, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Normal covers a wide range. You are not wrong. He is not wrong. The question is whether you can be compatible.
> 
> When you do more "wild" things with him do you enjoy it? Are there fantasies you have that you would like him to act on?
> 
> ...


I understand "normal" casts a wide net. What I used to think was weird, perverted, or over-sexed behaviors it turns out to be quite "normal" as my dear H has always told me. So early on in our relationship, he called me a "prude" and that hurt, and I continue to struggle with the notion that he wasn't far off base with that comment. When I "do" wild things, I sometimes feel like I'm play-acting, and would like to feel more comfortable and authentic. As far as my fantasies, H is more than willing to hear of them and act on them. My problem is that I only want to fantasize, not go out an "do" the fantasy. In the past, my H took me out in public because he "fantasized" about me flirting with other men, and him watching at a distance as a turn-on for him. I could only go so far, before my head got in the way. There is not enough booze that can get me to follow through on that! I felt unsafe and terrified. Since that time we have discussed the difference between fantasy and desires. I need to keep my relationship monogamous and sacred to feel safe and intimate. I am a jealous type and could not handle to reality of seeing my H with another person, yet the fantasy excites me. You see what I mean? As far as sex and romance, my H is the bomb, loving and romantic. And by experimental, yes a spontaneous BJ no problem, sex toys, positions, dirty talk, etc, all in the mix at some time or other, no to the scuba gear and hot pokers, lol. I would just like to feel more naturally relaxed, and go-with-the-flow, like him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, "normal" does cover a wide range, but I think the majority of people are not comfortable introducing another person in any way into their sex lives. I consider myself to be quite open-minded (OK, no scuba gear), but I would not be comfortable flirting with or having my wife flirt with strangers. Going beyond that would really not be OK.

There is nothing wrong or unusual about you not wanting to behave that way. There is nothing "wrong" this this being a kink of his, but he has to realize that its not a very common activity, and that involving additional people often ends badly.

He should never make you feel unsafe.

I completely agree that some fantasies should never be acted on, and others can be play acted in some fashion, but not attempted in reality. 

I think you need to have a discussion with him about what is and isn't OK with you. Let him know that you are just not comfortable with involving other people. That is completely reasonable of you and he should understand. In fact anyone with a wide range of interests / kinks should understand that people have different kinks and that their partners can't be expected to meet those kinks.


See if he is up for play-acting this. He could dress up differently and you could play act seducing a stranger (who is actually him of course). Maybe even video it so he can feel like he is watching. 


If seeing you with an other man is some irresistible fetish for him, not just a fun fantasy kink, then you need to have a serious discussion. People cannot control their fetishes, but they also can't expect others to live with them. 


You are not a prude. It sounds like you enjoy a wide range of sexual activities. You just don't want to involve 3rd parties. That is completely fine, and matches my feelings. 






SGBT said:


> I understand "normal" casts a wide net. What I used to think was weird, perverted, or over-sexed behaviors it turns out to be quite "normal" as my dear H has always told me. So early on in our relationship, he called me a "prude" and that hurt, and I continue to struggle with the notion that he wasn't far off base with that comment. When I "do" wild things, I sometimes feel like I'm play-acting, and would like to feel more comfortable and authentic. As far as my fantasies, H is more than willing to hear of them and act on them. My problem is that I only want to fantasize, not go out an "do" the fantasy. In the past, my H took me out in public because he "fantasized" about me flirting with other men, and him watching at a distance as a turn-on for him. I could only go so far, before my head got in the way. There is not enough booze that can get me to follow through on that! I felt unsafe and terrified. Since that time we have discussed the difference between fantasy and desires. I need to keep my relationship monogamous and sacred to feel safe and intimate. I am a jealous type and could not handle to reality of seeing my H with another person, yet the fantasy excites me. You see what I mean? As far as sex and romance, my H is the bomb, loving and romantic. And by experimental, yes a spontaneous BJ no problem, sex toys, positions, dirty talk, etc, all in the mix at some time or other, no to the scuba gear and hot pokers, lol. I would just like to feel more naturally relaxed, and go-with-the-flow, like him.


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## SGBT (Oct 12, 2017)

Ynot said:


> It sounds like you are already on the right path. Keep it up and just chill about it. I think arguments are a normal part of any relationship, even arguments about sex. As long as you are resolving things amiably, I wouldn't stress too much about it. You haven't mentioned it so it seems as though you don't suspect he has a wandering eye, which is good. Also, many people need the assistance of weed, alcohol or even prescription drugs to unleash their inner beast, so I wouldn't be all that too concerned about that either. Keep up the good work it sounds like you are doing fine. I am not sure if any of that is what you were looking for, but it doesn't sound like you are off the mark at all and might just need a pat on the back


Thank you for the encouragement! I found it interesting that you chose the word "chill" because my internet seaches of late have been about "how to be more chill", haha. So yes, mindfulness, slowing my thoughts down, investing time in flirtatous texts with H, and continuing with wine and weed to relax the body, have all been useful. I want it to last long-term though, form new habits I guess you would say, so that we don't slip back to "old normal" which is what H complains about. He just wants a steady diet....not feast, nor famine. It just doesn't come naturally for me. And no he doesn't have a roving eye per say, but he ain't blind, and I know he likes to look at sexy women, likes to bring talk of that into our bedroom, which can be hot, if I can keep my head out of the analysis of it. He comforts me by saying things like "I am his fantasy" so that helps, but I often run things through my head about when he was with other people, and experimenting with the wilder side of sex before we got together. I feel that he may miss all that "adrenaline". I will always be "vanilla" compared to that.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SGBT said:


> ....He is much more adventurous and comfortable with his sexuality than I am by nature. He knows I have a wild side, and that I did not come into our relationship inexperienced, but I do struggle with feeling sort of shy, or shame, or just plain difficulty talking about sex, which is frustrating to him.
> 
> ....every so many months will go by, and we will have a blow-up fight and he will bring up the sex. When this happens, *I get so sad and hopeless,* and often imagine he would be happier without me. We discuss the issues, and I try harder, but our sex life then calms down to what I "considered normal", and he considers unfulfilling.
> 
> ...He needs to have in his words "an adrenaline rush". He likes to keep things on a slow-simmer at all times, via sexting with me, sharing fantasies, and being experimental regarding sex. My fear is losing him because I don't maintain the level of simmer he requires to feel excited and interested til death do us part. I am open to all suggestions, and am working on getting more comfortable in my skin, and not listening to the judgemental voices in my head (figuratively speaking). It has helped to begin listening to the Pleasure Mechanics podcast, in that *I realize my H is "normal", and I am the one with the "sex problem".* They talk about sex in such a non-threatening manner. I wish I could just genuinely feel relaxed about it instead of always feeling like I have to "try", making it an effort. Please help.





SGBT said:


> I understand "normal" casts a wide net. What I used to think was weird, perverted, or over-sexed behaviors it turns out to be quite "normal" as my dear H has always told me. So early on in our relationship, *he called me a "prude" and that hurt*, and I continue to struggle with the notion that he wasn't far off base with that comment.
> 
> ...My problem is that I only want to fantasize, not go out an "do" the fantasy. In the past, my H took me out in public because he "fantasized" about me flirting with other men, and him watching at a distance as a turn-on for him*. I could only go so far, before my head got in the way*. There is not enough booze that can get me to follow through on that! *I felt unsafe and terrified. *Since that time we have discussed the difference between fantasy and desires. *I need to keep my relationship monogamous and sacred to feel safe and intimate. * I am a jealous type and could not handle to reality of seeing my H with another person, *yet the fantasy excites me*. *You see what I mean? * As far as sex and romance, my H is the bomb, loving and romantic. And by experimental, yes a spontaneous BJ no problem, sex toys, positions, dirty talk, etc, all in the mix at some time or other, no to the scuba gear and hot pokers, lol. *I would just like to feel more naturally relaxed, and go-with-the-flow*, like him.


A few thoughts. You are who you are. Be proud of you. Your H married you because of who you are.

David Schnarch says all aspects of marriage involve one partner who pushes the other partner. They dynamic tension requires both of them to compromise and grow emotionally. To do that it requires them to "self-soothe" so they can do things they are not totally comfortable with and to compromise. Having said that, compromise takes TWO and is not one-sided. You seem to feel you need to be fixed. You don't need to be fixed. The Two of you need to find compromises that you both can live with and will provide each of you happiness.

I really think that going to a good sex therapist would help you as a form of couples therapy. It helped my inhibited wife and me.

You also might find that scheduling "wild nights" or "ladies choice" nights one every week or two might be a compromise you can both get into. That way there would not be constant pressure on you and that way you could figure out what you needed to do to get in touch with your "wild side" on those nights.

I think you should be more confident and know that he loves you and you are capable of satisfying him.

As to monogamy. Absolutely, no 3rd parties. 

If the thought of him with another woman excites you, or a 3 way excites you, there are things you can do. Buy a wig dress differently, greet him at the door and tell him you are the woman his wife arranged to have sex with tonight. Alternately, you could buy a "fleshlight" masturbation sleeve, take him to bed and tell him that you arranged for him to have a 3-some. You, him and the Fleshlight. You can give it a woman's name and play with his mind. Afterwards in either case revert back to the real you and then give him some aftercare where you stress that you are his wife, you will not tolerate any non-monogamy and besides you love sexually playing with him.

The point is that fantasies can be just mental. The mind is the biggest sex organ and it is easily tricked. 

Good luck.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

SGBT said:


> I understand "normal" casts a wide net. What I used to think was weird, perverted, or over-sexed behaviors it turns out to be quite "normal" as my dear H has always told me. So early on in our relationship, he called me a "prude" and that hurt, and I continue to struggle with the notion that he wasn't far off base with that comment. When I "do" wild things, I sometimes feel like I'm play-acting, and would like to feel more comfortable and authentic. As far as my fantasies, H is more than willing to hear of them and act on them. My problem is that I only want to fantasize, not go out an "do" the fantasy. In the past, my H took me out in public because he "fantasized" about me flirting with other men, and him watching at a distance as a turn-on for him. I could only go so far, before my head got in the way. There is not enough booze that can get me to follow through on that! I felt unsafe and terrified. Since that time we have discussed the difference between fantasy and desires. I need to keep my relationship monogamous and sacred to feel safe and intimate. I am a jealous type and could not handle to reality of seeing my H with another person, yet the fantasy excites me. You see what I mean? As far as sex and romance, my H is the bomb, loving and romantic. And by experimental, yes a spontaneous BJ no problem, sex toys, positions, dirty talk, etc, all in the mix at some time or other, no to the scuba gear and hot pokers, lol. I would just like to feel more naturally relaxed, and go-with-the-flow, like him.


SGBT--it's great that you're expanding your horizons, and I think you'll eventually have a lot of fun doing that. That said--it's totally ok to have boundaries. As you said, often fantasy should stay just that. It's OK to have fantasies, and that doesn't make anyone weird--even you! But acting on them can sometimes be the wrong course of action, especially if the violate the other person's hard boundaries. Don't feel guilty about having limits. Everyone has them.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@faithfulwife


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> @faithfulwife


I was just formulating a response in my head to this thread when I saw your post, @farsidejunky.

@SGBT here are a few thoughts.

I don't have the type of shame that causes inhibitions like you have. But I do recall (back in the dark ages of my early sexual life) feeling shame around certain things, and then that making me feel weird about sex sometimes. There were so many conflicting messages in the world about sex in general, and then what my body did and responded to sometimes alarmed me...so like most young people I felt shame around certain things. 

I'm just sharing this to say that I specifically remember actively battling those shame based thoughts, and doing so until they stopped eventually. I had an exercise I would go through, which was basically to ask myself "who in the world do I think is judging me right now?" when I felt ashamed about some aspect of my sexual self or sex life or desires, fantasies, whatever. I would feel that pang of "oh wow, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about x,y,z" (laced with shame feelings and sexual feelings), and then as quickly as I realized what I was doing I would just stop myself and say "girl, who the hell gives a crap what you are doing?? No one is watching you, no one cares what you do, people have their own private sex lives going on and aren't out there trying to judge you about yours! Be yourself!"

After I did that for long enough, then shame based thoughts just stopped coming to my mind eventually. (probably good to note, I was never strongly shamed by an adult, nor ever by anyone on any religious basis...I can only imagine that if someone was strongly shamed over and over and in an abusive way by an authority figure, it may not be possible to get over it)

So anyway if you can just try to get a handle on your own inner shameful thoughts, and learn to STOP doing that to yourself....since no one else is literally in your mind telling you those things, those "voices" are actually *you*. That's a good thing though, that means you can in time stop telling yourself these things.

Another thought....the fact that you do have some shame surrounding your sexual feelings and thoughts and fantasies actually in a way is a good thing. It means they are there within you, and they are strong enough to elicit the shame feelings. You wouldn't feel shame if you didn't have any sexual feelings at all, right? So you have them. They are naturally occuring within you. You have simply stifled and shut them down for a long time. Give yourself credit for being a truly sexual person! One who has enough naughtiness to feel shame about it >

A suggestion....can you talk to your husband and say "hey look, I want to share about fantasies and even talk about other people or whatever, but I need to feel completely safe before it will be fun for me. That would mean that I have to know you will never ever ask me to actually do anything with another person nor ever express interest in doing so yourself. If we both have that promise and it is understood, I can let go and talk a bit more freely about wild crazy things".

My boyfriend sometimes likes to talk to me during sex about how he wishes he could clone himself into 15 dudes and all of them would rush me at once like a football team. Then he talks about how I would love that and never go back to having sex with just the one him again, I would always need his 15 clones nearby to screw me in so many ways at once that I can't even see straight while it is happening.  I truly enjoy this fun talk, but only because I know A. he would never EVER let another man touch me, and B. he knows I would never EVER want more than one person at a time. So we are safe to play around with this idea and it doesn't alarm either of us into thinking that this could ever happen or even ever be wanted on either side.

I have returned his fun fantasy a couple of times and told him that if I could clone myself, the 15 clones of me would all converge on him at once and begin massaging him everywhere...and then 2 of us would settle down on his (whatever) and 2 more of us would move on up to his (insert erogenous zone) and 2 of us would be softly kissing his face and playing with his hair...the rest of us would be fighting over who gets his C inside of us. Then we'd all take turns on each of these stations of his body so everybody gets some. Then we'd all carry him to a bath and soap him up and let him soak for an hour afterwards!!

Again...I have no fear in anyway that he would ever ask me to bring another woman around or whatever.

As for going out in public, flirting with others, etc....I hope you stay firm on that. I would refuse to do that, too. I do not want to talk to strange men, with or without my guy nearby. It does not feel safe to me. If it happens organically once in awhile, I'm fine...but the scenario you described? Ugh, no way. However....how do you feel about just dressing so absolutely sexy and skimpy that you can't help but draw massive amounts of attention, and then just going out with him, but not talking to any guys? You could strut your fine ass to the restroom, draw every guy's eye in the room, then turn around half way and blow a kiss to your guy...so all the guys in the room know you're there with him. But they would also intuitively understand that you are dressed in a way that implies you want attention, so they will give you that without hesitation. If your guy just likes the feelings of you being that sexy to other men, perhaps this type of safer fun could work for you two.

My overall sense is that you will come out of your shell...with some effort. The words you are saying and hints you are implying are telling me that you do definitely have some sex kitten in you. You just feel clumsy with it and it doesn't feel like your "skin" right now. That will have to come with practice, patience, and fake it til you make it confidence.

But my prediction is, it will come.

{Deleted - condoning and advocating the use of illegal drugs, or any other criminal activity is prohibited on TAM. ~EleGirl/Moderator}


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh and also....I would strongly suggest you just invite your husband here. People can give a lot better advice when we really have both sides of the story. It sounds like he would appreciate that you are here trying to work this out.....would you feel able to just share this site with him and invite him to come share this improvement journey with you?


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## SGBT (Oct 12, 2017)

@ Faithful Wife. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and comprehensive reply. I am encouraged to hear that I may be able to stop my intrusive thoughts that prevent me from "letting go". I would like to be "advanced enough" to do it with my mind and not rely on alcohol or drugs, but your suggestion brought up an interesting fact for me, that I hadn't placed enough thoughtful rememberance of and that is this: In my wild, and crazy youth, drugs were always involved. The reason I was able to "come out of myself" was induced by mind-altering substances. Eureka moment for me!!! No wonder I struggle now, as my years of experimenting with the "drug of the month" during college ended with college. Then I moved on to marriage, and found myself strangely inhibited. Well no wonder, I never really had any experience with sex that did not involve substances. I'm not sure why it has taken me this long to realize this! Wow, now what? Honestly, the thought of doing "ectasy" frightens me because I remember making a very conscious and deliberate decision years ago, in my very early twenties (just post-college), that I wasn't going down that path any further, because I did some things that were very powerful and I liked the feelings alot! So much so that I feared I could easly become addicted, and lose control of my life. As well, the morning after these "parties", I would feel ashamed of some of my behavior, doing things I would never do if not under the influence. It was intense though, as you say. But it was after one such time that I made the decision to "stop" all that nonsense. This must be the time my "holding back" began. I would like to find a moderate, middle-of-the-road solution that I can feel good about. And as you say, it is terribly important for me to keep everything between my H and me. I think my shame stems from allowing others to use my body, and then feel ashamed that I was behaving so cheaply, and disrepecting myself. And there it is, the disconnect. I enjoyed myself, while disgusted with myself. Yikes!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SGBT said:


> ...He needs to have in his words "an adrenaline rush"...
> 
> ...I am open to all suggestions, and am working on getting more comfortable...


Unfortunately combining adrenaline and sex is specifically about pushing to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Generally speaking that requires a certain personality type that enjoys risky behaviors. Meanwhile other personality types do much better with things that are comforting and make them feel safe. 

Both personalty types are actually healthy and can serve a meaningful purpose, so if the two of you are just different in that regards it is important to try to find ways to appreciate and respect the diversity created by your marriage. Kind of like the analogy that it is wise for two people to get married in which one person likes to spend money and have fun, while the other likes to save money and plan for tomorrow. Combining both helps balance things or one person would go broke while the other would completely miss out on life without that diversity. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Excellent post!

It sounds like some old stuff is coming to the surface to be examined. That's great work! Keep doing that but most importantly....challenge any thoughts or feelings you have about having been a "bad girl" back in the day, and at the same time, *strengthen and focus on* the fun, pleasure and joy you had back then!!

Another thought I had....what do you think about getting a fun, kinky spanking? I was thinking that might be a way you can incorporate your "I've been a bad girl" feelings into your sex life with your husband. Of course, for it to be any fun he'd have to be into it, too (and be good at it) but a lot of couples have fun with this so I thought I'd suggest it. Personally, I love spankings and not actually as punishment but that's how they are framed. I just love the physical impact of it, but the punishment part is fun too and always makes me giggle and joyful. Like, how absurd anyone would attempt to punish me for being a grown woman with adult desires, it's just plain silliness! But when he comes at me saying "oh you're gonna need a good hard one after that little display, you little brazen alley cat!" and grabs my arm, to which I squirm and pretend to try to get free, before he pulls me in closer and holds my arms down and paddles my ass. So fun!

OR if that doesn't really appeal to you....maybe it would be more fun to spank him!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SGBT said:


> In my wild, and crazy youth, drugs were always involved. The reason I was able to "come out of myself" was induced by mind-altering substances.


Generally speaking drugs will generally numb part of your personality. Either by reducing sensations (such as pain), or by increasing sensations (such as euphoria) which can overpower/numb a part of who you really are as a person. If doing that allowed you to loose you inhibitions, then you were not your true self. You were a "numbed" version of yourself. 

If you enjoyed being uninhibited by using substances, you were likely doing yourself a disservice. It is actually more important to understand why you might have inhibitions and/or shame when sober and be completely open to discuss that with your husband in a loving way. Ultimately you will have to deal with shame in a healthy way and NOT with substances. While you may not need therapy to help you explore that, you may find it helpful to better understand yourself. 

Generally speaking shame is a red flag that something about you needs some TLC in order to help you let go of that shame. Shame will never do you any good! However your instincts that make you want to feel safe and protect your family are something completely different all together. So be careful not to confuse shame and fear as they can often be tangled up together. One emotion (fear) serves to protect you, while the other (shame) serves to harm you. So it is easy to feel afraid when your emotions are harming you. That is something therapy could help you untangle. 

Therapy, if you choose that option is nothing to be ashamed about. At the end of the day we could all use therapy to further our personal development. It is kind of like doing guided exercises for your emotional wellbeing. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good luck.

hope your H likes your results.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I think there is something wrong here. Making you go out and flirt with other men so he gets a high? I believe that is morally wrong to use you in that way. I would say you do not have to do what is wrong. Marriage is between a husband and a wife. If you wander from that you will have deep problems in the marriage.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

SGBT said:


> I understand "normal" casts a wide net. What I used to think was weird, perverted, or over-sexed behaviors it turns out to be quite "normal" as my dear H has always told me. So early on in our relationship, he called me a "prude" and that hurt, and I continue to struggle with the notion that he wasn't far off base with that comment. When I "do" wild things, I sometimes feel like I'm play-acting, and would like to feel more comfortable and authentic.




The thing about acting out fantasies is that they are by definition 'play-acting'; the point is that in that moment, you pretend to be someone you are not (acting). The aim is to break boundaries, feel an adrenalin rush and turn each other on. I think the way you feel about it is perfectly normal. You will also get more comfortable with time 'doing' them (the ones you feel comfortable doing, that is).







SGBT said:


> As far as my fantasies, H is more than willing to hear of them and act on them. My problem is that I only want to fantasize, not go out an "do" the fantasy. In the past, my H took me out in public because he "fantasized" about me flirting with other men, and him watching at a distance as a turn-on for him. I could only go so far, before my head got in the way. There is not enough booze that can get me to follow through on that! I felt unsafe and terrified.




Ok that's a tricky one...Not everyone would feel comfortable doing this and while many men do have this fantasy, not every partner will feel comfortable being 'pimped out' like that. And for very good reasons.


Also since it involves other people, it's a delicate one as well that can easily backfire badly. (The 'acting' can easily turn into the real thing; i.e. getting addicted seeking affection from men other than your husband. Also it's hard to know how far your husband actually wants you to follow through with this fantasy because fantasies don't always stop...They evolve and get more and more addictive and 'risky'. The cuckold fantasy, if it goes further than flirting, is a very advanced and dangerous one IMO and not for everyone. I would tread carefully here).





SGBT said:


> Since that time we have discussed the difference between fantasy and desires. I need to keep my relationship monogamous and sacred to feel safe and intimate. I am a jealous type and could not handle to reality of seeing my H with another person, yet the fantasy excites me. You see what I mean?




Yes, that's why certain things should stay a fantasy. They work better in the head...





SGBT said:


> As far as sex and romance, my H is the bomb, loving and romantic. And by experimental, yes a spontaneous BJ no problem, sex toys, positions, dirty talk, etc, all in the mix at some time or other, no to the scuba gear and hot pokers, lol. I would just like to feel more naturally relaxed, and go-with-the-flow, like him.




That'll come with a bit more practice & experience. The main thing is that you seem open-minded which is great. Just be mindful if he pushes you to do things you don't want or don't feel comfortable doing. It doesn't mean you are not 'normal'. Different people have different thresholds. And another thing: your own fantasies may not align with his - that's the fascinating thing about this whole subject.



I would say I am more adventurous than my wife to begin with when it comes to acting out and trying different fantasies. When she gets a taste of them and over time once she is more comfortable, she is the one who gets progressively more turned on by them. I am just saying: he should be careful not to open the wrong pandora's box and shoot himself in the foot with this. Some things may damage the relationship.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> I was just formulating a response in my head to this thread when I saw your post, @farsidejunky.
> 
> @SGBT here are a few thoughts.
> 
> ...


I was more or less with it until the last paragraph. Do people on these boards really condone and advocate the use of illegal drugs to others? Regardless of the reasons, it's still a "wow" in my mind. :surprise:

Moderator's note: TAM certainly does not condone and advocate the use of illegal drugs, which is why that post was corrected.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

SGBT said:


> @ Faithful Wife. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and comprehensive reply. I am encouraged to hear that I may be able to stop my intrusive thoughts that prevent me from "letting go". I would like to be "advanced enough" to do it with my mind and not rely on alcohol or drugs, but your suggestion brought up an interesting fact for me, that I hadn't placed enough thoughtful rememberance of and that is this: In my wild, and crazy youth, drugs were always involved. The reason I was able to "come out of myself" was induced by mind-altering substances. Eureka moment for me!!! No wonder I struggle now, as my years of experimenting with the "drug of the month" during college ended with college. Then I moved on to marriage, and found myself strangely inhibited. Well no wonder, I never really had any experience with sex that did not involve substances. I'm not sure why it has taken me this long to realize this! Wow, now what? Honestly, the thought of doing "ectasy" frightens me because I remember making a very conscious and deliberate decision years ago, in my very early twenties (just post-college), that I wasn't going down that path any further,


And for very good reasons. I sincerely hope you don't restart. There are other ways to 'detach' from reality that are not hazardous to your physical and mental health.




SGBT said:


> because I did some things that were very powerful and I liked the feelings alot! So much so that I feared I could easly become addicted, and lose control of my life. As well, the morning after these "parties", I would feel ashamed of some of my behavior, doing things I would never do if not under the influence. It was intense though, as you say. But it was after one such time that I made the decision to "stop" all that nonsense. This must be the time my "holding back" began. I would like to find a moderate, middle-of-the-road solution that I can feel good about. And as you say, it is terribly important for me to keep everything between my H and me. I think my shame stems from allowing others to use my body, and then feel ashamed that I was behaving so cheaply, and disrepecting myself. And there it is, the disconnect. I enjoyed myself, while disgusted with myself. Yikes!


You can turn this 'shame' you feel deliberately and consciously to your advantage. Explore some role-play humiliation/domination type games and enjoy the feeling of shame. it can be a very powerful aphodiziac, but only with someone you trust 100%.
Please stay away from drugs. They are not the solution to your 'problem'. (In my view, you don't have a problem. Just a learning curve).
Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tony Conrad said:


> I think there is something wrong here. Making you go out and flirt with other men so he gets a high? I believe that is morally wrong to use you in that way. I would say you do not have to do what is wrong. Marriage is between a husband and a wife. If you wander from that you will have deep problems in the marriage.


I agree with this. It seems that some of the things he wants aren't good or beneficial for the marriage, and it may be that he is the more abnormal and you are the more normal.

Does he look at porn? If he does then maybe he is wanting things that he looks at there, many of which may be things that to you and many others are just not on.

You must tell him if things make you very uncomfortable, like the flirting with other men, because there is no way that we should ever be forced or pressured to do something that we know isn't right for us. 
Don't feel bad because you are you, you are allowed to have sexual preferences and you are allowed to have boundaries over which you won't go. Its all about compromise.

You have NOTHING to feel shame about, and please dont take these drugs, they are so bad for you. If you cant do something without them, then that says they are things that aren't right for you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm with Tony and Diana. I'm all for adding kink and passion to a marriage, and accommodating a spouse's fantasies. But when you start involving other people, it becomes creepy--at least to people in a healthy, monogamous marriage.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm with Tony and Diana. I'm all for adding kink and passion to a marriage, and accommodating a spouse's fantasies. But when you start involving other people, it becomes creepy--at least to people in a healthy, monogamous marriage.



Yep, glad some people talk sense here. Sometimes there’s a good reason why you may feel apprehensive towards some fetishes. Everyone has their limits and only you have the right to determine what those are. 
Be lucid when you make those decisions.


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