# My husband is depressed -- is this why he suggested a divorce?



## Crimsyn (Dec 4, 2011)

My husband and I have been going through a weird stage for well over 9 months now. Hard to explain it really -- neither one of us was happy. With much consideration and a lot of time to think... I've come to the conclusion that we were never unhappy with each other, just unhappy with who we were as individuals. 

So about 4 months ago, we uprooted and moved to the other side of the country. Things were great for well over a month. We were busy exploring the city, meeting new people, and just enjoying each other's company. But after a while -- our old problems surfaced again. Yes, we were both in a new city with many opportunities... yet we were still lost & confused to who WE were and what we wanted for ourselves.

So we stopped smothering each other and did our own things for awhile. Made our own friends & didn't spend every single moment of the day with each other. I suppose for awhile this was good. But one day... after hearing about close friend's of ours going through marriage troubles and possible separation, we started considering our own marriage. Even discussed separating... and at the time, I never really thought we would get to THAT point. But one day, he just came out and said he doesn't think we love each other any more and that we may need a divorce. I was shocked... but at the time considered it. I mean, we were both unhappy after all.

But like I stated earlier... I've realized that neither one of us ever mistreated the other one on purpose. We were both going through our own depressions... I was stressed from work & he was too. We continually took it out on each other. We never had a bad marriage -- we really didn't. We both VERY much loved each other. It was just tough expressing that love when you yourself felt complete hopeless & sad. It was a never-ending battle, I suppose.

Well. Now we are separated. He is in the process of moving out & we are filing for divorce in January. I, with all my heart & soul, have faith that we could fix our marriage with counseling. But he doesn't want to. He says we aren't right for each other any more. (although he can't give examples or explain this) How could this be? The entire 11 years we have been together, he has made countless gestures to make me believe 100% otherwise. 

I have confessed my love to him so much lately. I have literally begged for him & have been fighting for him. But it's only pushing him away. So right now... I am just trying to be supportive of him. To be his friend. It's either that or bug him so much that he starts to resent me. It's absolutely killing me... just being his friend. I fight with myself each and every day... trying hard not to text or call him every time I think of something to share with him. I'm constantly wondering where he is sleeping that night & what he is doing.

I've been doing the "friend" thing for only a few days now and it's already killing me. I wanna stick through this. I am really hoping & praying that once he starts his IC, he will start to think differently. He is depressed, more so than I have ever seen him before. He is seeking help & I want to support him so much right now. I know, with my begging & crap... it will only set him back further and mess up any counseling he receives.

So what do I do? I feel like it's a game of sorts... and I don't want it to be like that. I've confessed my love for him & my will to try and fix our marriage. He doesn't believe me. And he feels as though it would be a waste of time... I can't understand this. I keep telling myself he is just depressed & unhappy... and confused.

Do I stick it out for a few weeks and see if his feelings change? And what if they don't... what do I do then? :| It's torture really -- not know how things will turn out. I just want him back. I want to be the one who supports him & encourages him... and makes him happy again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't beg him. There is nothing you can do to change his mind so don't try. If he wants out, you will have to concede. You can't force him to stay w you if he doesn't want to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crimsyn (Dec 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't beg him. There is nothing you can do to change his mind so don't try. If he wants out, you will have to concede. You can't force him to stay w you if he doesn't want to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a hard time thinking like that though. He is depressed & completely confused. He will even tell you he doesn't know what he is feeling. So how can I truly believe him when he says he doesn't love me? He doesn't even love himself. He hates himself as a matter of fact... that is what he has told me. So I just struggle to believe he truly knows how he feels. He is a romantic & extremely intelligent -- for him to give up on the woman he has loved for almost 12 years... it's just not like him.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

He fingered you in your sleep. Then you believe as a result you avoided sex with him as much as you could. Until one day you started cheating on him.

You may have to accept that the damage has been too great, and let him go.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

I do not think it is depression that is causing him to ask for a divorce. It sounds more like he is just unhappy with the whole marriage and wants out. And this whole entire thing makes him sad of course. Being around to be his friend sounds like a noble idea but it goes against the principle of the 180 to get him back. You should go No Contact and avoid him, and make him miss you and wonder about you. I mean, let's say if you succeed in establishing yourself as the best-est friend he could ever ask for now, but why would that make him want you as a wife? You have to make him want you as an attractive woman and wife, not just a friend. Friendship isn't exactly the most appealing characteristic a man would be drawn to a wife he's walked out on. At least I don't think so.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Crimsyn:

I have been in a similar boat....and though the whole not begging thing is correct, and I agree with that - however I also agree with fighting for your marriage. No two people or situations are the same....nothing is black and white. When you are ready to let go and be done, you will know. 

I've sat broken hearten for a slew of months now...on an insane roller coaster of do I try, do I give up, do I call, do I leave him be.....and I've decided not to give up on my H, not for him, but for me. For me, not giving up is the right thing to do. 

This all being said you will need to sort through your feelings, and decide what is right for you, and you may not know for awhile. 

My heart goes out to you!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sindo said:


> He fingered you in your sleep. Then you believe as a result you avoided sex with him as much as you could. Until one day you started cheating on him.
> 
> You may have to accept that the damage has been too great, and let him go.


What? I must have missed that part. Is it in another thread?

Crimsyn, I know how HARD it is to wrap your head around someone you love, your SPOUSE, telling you that they want a divorce. it sucks. And it sucks especially bad for the party who Does.Not.Want.It. There is nothing more excruciating than an Unwanted Divorce.

You ahve tried beginning and to convince him to stay with you/be with you/save the marriage. He doesn't want to. 

As much as it pains you, you need to let him go.

He could be depressed. But no matter what he is, he has made his desire very clear: he does not want to be married to you anymore. He wants to terminate the marriage.

The sooner you accept that, the better for you.

Stop trying to be his friend. Stop beginning him (you're right, it only pushes him further away) and stop trying convince him that his feelings/sentiments are wrong. 

The fact that he wants a divorce is HIS truth, not yours. You cannot change his mind or force him to stay with you if he does not want to. 

I am sending you a great big hug because that pain and reality is one of the hardest someone will ever have to endure. 

But think about it this way: why would you want him to stay married to you if he says he does not love you anymore and wants a divorce? Would you want to stay married to someone who does not want to be with you anymore? It would not be fair to either of you.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What? I must have missed that part. Is it in another thread?


Yep.


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