# A question for the guys... is he telling the truth?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H and I have had some issues the last few months regarding frequency : I'd like a little more and he is the one who isn't wanting as much.

Talking earlier, he said he feels that his drive is minimal at the moment. Pontificated about reasons which he's mentioned before such as stress at work and the worry of pregnancy.

I said I wasn't convinced it's his DRIVE per se that has reduced. I explained that if I knew he wasn't interested at all then I might believe it, but I know he regularly takes care of things himself and more so at weekends. 

He said doing that is different (this I can grasp.) But he then said it's nothing to do with drive but it is simply relieving a physical build up. I guess to paraphrase he's saying it's not a sexually driven thing.

So guys... Can a man have a low drive yet masturbate on a regular basis? My gut says no...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

My experience is that masturbation relieves physical pressure, and provides an outlet sometimes like when we were not together, or during periods when she had a lower drive for one reason or another. But given my choice between masturbating or having sex with my wife, there is no way on earth I would pass up sex with my wife for masturbating.

It may be that he has difficulty discussing it with you, and he is having trouble gauging what his chances are of having sex with you that day. In that case, he may be acting proactively, if you will, to relieve himself physically, and minimize his chances of frustration if he asks you and you are not ready. Maybe talk to him about it directly when you want him that evening, but make sure you carry through. Maybe that can help him gain trust in it. Maybe also you could offer to help him masturbate, and maybe he will be more open to sex when you get started? Just a couple of suggestions without really knowing your situation too much.

*EDIT:* As his wife, you should come first in his priorities. You have every right to ask him to save it for you, and I think you should be open to tell him when you need it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Not a man but it takes more energy to have sex than to masturbate. I don't know what your situation is but if he has to work to get you to O then it is more tiring. I could see how just having a quick release on his own is different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I am very HD so this may not be valid but it sounds very counter-intuitive to me.

I usually take care of myself because of back-up due to frustration...


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I rarely turn him down so it's not a matter of him having to gauge my mood: he knows I'll be more than happy. I do help him also.

I find it pretty easy to get there so it's not that I wouldn't have thought.

He insists it is not to do with me but he has also mentioned he feels inadequate as he can't make me O in any position (not an issue for me but he is bothered by it), and variety which is crazy as I mentioned a while ago spicing it up, he said he was happy then not long ago said he felt our routine was predictable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I am very HD so this may not be valid but it sounds very counter-intuitive to me.
> 
> I usually take care of myself because of back-up due to frustration...


Actually as an HD male, I'd also say something sounds fishy. I have denied my LD partners "advances" after I got angry and tired enough that I wanted nothing to do with her in the bedroom for being so inattentive to me. In other words, there is something else going on. Before things reached that point for me, when things were regular, I had no need to masturbate at all. I don't think its normal for men to have a regular sex life or prefer rosie to your wife.


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## VulturesRow (Mar 9, 2012)

phantomfan said:


> Actually as an HD male, I'd also say something sounds fishy. I have denied my LD partners "advances" after I got angry and tired enough that I wanted nothing to do with her in the bedroom for being so inattentive to me. In other words, there is something else going on. Before things reached that point for me, when things were regular, I had no need to masturbate at all. I don't think its normal for men to have a regular sex life or prefer rosie to your wife.


:iagree:There is NO substitute for the real thing. Period!!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Doesn't sound like a drive issue; he is just (inadvertently perhaps) training himself to prefer his own hand to you. Is he taking care of business with or without porn? 

If you masturbate enough you can condition yourself to where you prefer it this way, and then actual sex can feel like a whole "thing," too much work or effort. The porn just makes it worse.

Also does he ever have trouble finishing when he's with you? I've had this problem before, although it's never been bad enough for me to turn down sex when offered, but I am the HD and I initiate about 75% of the time.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

He used porn the other day but that AFAIK is the first time in a while.

He never has trouble finishing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Why not tell him you would rather take care of him (hand job) rather than have him get himself off. Years ago my wife told me she'd rather give me a hand job or a blow job even if we weren't going to have normal intercourse than have me masturbate thinking of something other than her. She says it's still sex to her and it gets her going for the next time when we get together.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

He knows I would happily help him out but I will say it again.

He says his drive fluctuates and currently it is way down. I could happily accept that he is worried about pregnancy if he were taking steps to help with that. I have a coil which is very effective but he still worries yet does nothing about it. We talk and I have researched options but it looks like *I* will need to make an appointment to see a doctor for him (to talk about a vasectomy) as it has been months now.

I know he is stressed and tired from work. But right now I feel like he is saying, I have no drive, that's just how it is, deal with it. Honestly if it were the other way around, he'd be moaning like anything. He says one of the reasons he loves me is because I like sex but he doesn't seem to! He will take care of me if we go to bed together but otherwise he doesn't ask. He does not acknowledge how much our frequency has dropped (used to be nearly every day last year down to once a week if that now) and when he asked me yesterday how often I thought about sex and I said 'every day', he said I was a 'sex addict.' And he was serious. 

He also said he's 'never been that bothered about sex' and when I asked him why he had gotten girlfriends in the past, he said it was 'something to do.' He also asked what had changed for me for me to think about it so often: I have hardly changed by way of drive. It's like he's remembering things differently. He asked if I wanted sex to feel loved and cared about: of course I do!

ETA: he met a co-worker last year that he had a flirtation with. It wasn't an A but he found her attractive and so I know he has desire. Just not for me it seems. There is also no evidence of him cheating as I have been keeping a quiet eye on things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Why not tell him you would rather take care of him (hand job) rather than have him get himself off. Years ago my wife told me she'd rather give me a hand job or a blow job even if we weren't going to have normal intercourse than have me masturbate thinking of something other than her. She says it's still sex to her and it gets her going for the next time when we get together.


Lucky man Beo. I don't think those words ever came out of my spouse even when we were first dating.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> Lucky man Beo. I don't think those words ever came out of my spouse even when we were first dating.


I have no issues with doing this. In fact I much prefer being 'involved' rather than him doing it alone or himself beside me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

How old is your husband? Is it possible he is having issues with his testosterone levels? When I was in my mid-thirties I was diagnosed with a defective pituitary gland that caused my testosterone levels to plummet. I now give myself a testosterone injection every week to keep my levels normal. I still had desire and in fact our sex life never dipped (surprising considering my levels at that time) but I was always tired and did feel stressed because of the hormone deficiency. Might be something for your husband to look into.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> He knows I would happily help him out but I will say it again.
> 
> He says his drive fluctuates and currently it is way down. I could happily accept that he is worried about pregnancy if he were taking steps to help with that. I have a coil which is very effective but he still worries yet does nothing about it. We talk and I have researched options but it looks like *I* will need to make an appointment to see a doctor for him (to talk about a vasectomy) as it has been months now.
> 
> ...


Could his reluctance be related to a negative reaction to getting a vasectomy? Maybe he doesn't really want to and feels pressured to get one. Avoiding sex with you would certainly negate a reason to permanently negate his virility if that is how he is thinking about it. 

For what its worth. When my wife and I were done having children we discussed permanent forms of birth control. A vasectomy was certainly on the table but I really didn't want to get one even though I said I would. I kept putting it off and guess what happened. Yep, she got pregnant. I really didn't mind because I love her and I love all our kids and quite frankly she's beautiful when pregnant. But this time she decided to get her tubes tied while still in the delivery room. She said it made more sense.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I have no issues with doing this. In fact I much prefer being 'involved' rather than him doing it alone or himself beside me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As long as he knows you are serious and not just doing it reluctantly then that is great. A man's biggest problem is guilt over "making" his wife do something sexually she really doesn't want to do. He should welcome this even if it might seem awkward the first few times.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I have no issues with doing this. In fact I much prefer being 'involved' rather than him doing it alone or himself beside me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's awesome. Again I say lucky man. Any man who has a woman with that mindset is d*** lucky!


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## kc8 (Mar 12, 2012)

My H used to act the same way with me, turns out he was gay, I'm not saying that's ur case, I'm just saying there's underlying issues, try spicing things up in the bedroom, buy toys or lingerie videos, just something out of the norm he might be bored. Have u asked him if he is? Check his Internet history it might give u an insight into some of his desires u could work on fulfiling. Hope this helps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I rarely turn him down so it's not a matter of him having to gauge my mood: he knows I'll be more than happy. I do help him also.
> 
> I find it pretty easy to get there so it's not that I wouldn't have thought.
> 
> ...


Most women cannot have an O from with penetration alone. One thing you can do while he's in you is to stimulate yourself. That works very well.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OP - sometimes, they like to take the easy way out. Self gratifying is easy! I went through same with H - frustrating as hell! But he really IS low drive. I have no doubt about that at all.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Something is rather fishy as he could get a “release” by being with you. He may not be lying but, perhaps not quite in touch with why he is doing what he is doing. Personally, not wanting to have another child has kept me sexually more connected to my hand than to my wife. Sad to say though as my wife while having a relatively low drive, she does enjoys sex and the feeling of connection. FWIW, I too resist a permanent solution. The perhaps it is the permanence of it that makes it so scary. Plus, i am worried about complications no matter how rare they may be. I am not making excuses and others will tell you/him to get over it and get the snip…perhaps this may be the only solution....not yet clear. 

The challenge you face having an O I think may be a contributing factor. Men like to accomplish things. Having sex in his mind should result in having you come and anything else may make him feel bad. How does he feel about using a vibrator? Perhaps you make a habit of using one before, during or after? 

How is the rest of the relationship? Sometimes guys gravitate toward solo sex because there is resentment that may have nothing to do with sex. Could there be other conflicts that could be causing this. 
I personally think it is totally OK for H or W to persue solo activity. I reserve the right to do so and don’t expect to catch flack about it unless it is leaving my wife wanting. If you have expressed the need for more sex he should be trying to work with you on this. Again, the low drive thing sounds like bull. You may need to do more digging. 

I mean what is wrong with you initiating. I mean it is hard to say no to a woman who has your organ in her mouth (LOL) What would happen in this "direct approach". 

Good luck


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

I've noticed a common problem in another forum where low drive guys still had a tendency to masturbate, especially with porn, rather than having real sex with a willing partner. It seems consistent with low testosterone, in which a man will often be reluctant to initiate anything that involves physical activity. For the little bit of remaining libido, it may be easier to masturbate.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Most women cannot have an O from with penetration alone. One thing you can do while he's in you is to stimulate yourself. That works very well.


Sorry I should clarify: I find it VERY easy to O. Manually and a couple of positions that work well for me. The trouble is that he feels disheartened that I simply cannot get there in *any* position. Missionary and doggie, for example, just have never done it for me.

With previous partners he says they had no difficulty getting there just however they did it. The thing is he never had an emotional relationship with these women: it was a small number of one night stands or very short relationships. He just does not accept that by way of sex I am very "normal" when it comes to how I O and has at times alluded to the fact that there is something "wrong" with me. Which of course there isn't!

ETA : the direct approach... Yes. This actually used to be how I was. I never thought twice about it. Until all this came about. He did hint at liking the chase so I tried that... Had mixed results. And the fact that he would often stop me mid-inititation (yes, he has actually stopped me being that direct!) to make an excuse. Not every time by any means. But enough to stop me doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilco (Mar 5, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Not a man but it takes more energy to have sex than to masturbate. I don't know what your situation is but if he has to work to get you to O then it is more tiring. I could see how just having a quick release on his own is different.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If this is the case, then IMHO he is being selfish. You each have needs and have sworn to be only with each other, so you need to fill this role for each other. I could see it once in a while if his drive was way higher than yours, but not frequently and especially not if you are telling him you want it more often.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

I would say no. But I'm a very high drive kind of guy, so the whole concept of low drive men is bizarre to me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My ex used to masturbate frequently....knowing that once a week was not enough in my opinion. 

I really think he was just lazy (didn't want to have to do the "work"....even tho I'm "easy"!) and really selfish in that it didn't matter what my need was. I wasn't a priority. 

And now, I looooooooooooove calling him my EX.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

He isn't addicted to porn. He rarely if ever watches it. I am certain porn is not involved.

He told me the other day that when I want it and he doesn't, I should just take care of things myself. Whilst I completely see the logic in this, am I wrong in wanting him to want to help me out? This is unchartered territory for me, I've never had to deal with this before, but it sounds like he is basically saying leave him alone until he comes to me. I got upset last week when I tried to initiate and he turned me down, later saying it was all on MY terms? Honestly at the moment when he says no more than he says yes, I *do* get upset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Sorry for the sidebar but I just have to interject my useless comments. 

WTF is wrong with some men??? Seriously, it is EASIER to do it yourself than being with your wife/gf/SO??? I would take an HJ from the wife ANY time over doing it myself... Aaahhh, I swear married sex lives are some big cosmic joke..... :scratchhead:


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Sorry for the sidebar but I just have to interject my useless comments.
> 
> WTF is wrong with some men??? Seriously, it is EASIER to do it yourself than being with your wife/gf/SO??? I would take an HJ from the wife ANY time over doing it myself... Aaahhh, I swear married sex lives are some big cosmic joke..... :scratchhead:


Lol! Seriously though what do you do? He has given me now FIVE reasons I can think of (tiredness, stress of work, fear of pregnancy, lack of variety, easier to DIY) and I am sure there are a couple others I can't think of right now. And as it looks from where I am standing, he is doing something about precisely ZERO of those.

I am all for taking the initiative but hell, where do I start with that??? I can't deal with his stress. I can't make him less tired OR get him to participate earlier in the day. I have birth control which is not enough to reassure him yet he won't do anything further. I can engineer variety, I'm all for that both by eay of initiating and when we're getting down to it but that's if he wants to get down to it! And as for it being easier to do it himself? I can't do anything about his laziness. 

He said if we did it every day he'd get bored. 

I have no idea what to do!
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

When you do have sex, how/who initiates it?

On the days when you don't have sex, is there discussion/mention of it? If so, what tone does the discussion take - is it a normal tone, accusatory, nagging, etc.?

You said that a year ago you were having sex every day - so some of his excuses, such as fear of pregnancy - seem a little bogus.

You mentioned that he had an EA. What was your sex life like before that? What was the sex life like after - was it the every day you talked about - the 'hysterical bonding' phase after an affair?

What have you two done together to help rebuild your marriage after the EA? Any counselling or marriage enrichment activities together? Any individual counseling for either one of you?

How do both of you feel now about his EA? How does it make you feel - do you trust him, have you moved past it, do you think he feels pressured? How does it make him feel - is he guilty, pressured?

Best wishes.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Lol! Seriously though what do you do? He has given me now FIVE reasons I can think of (tiredness, stress of work, fear of pregnancy, lack of variety, easier to DIY) and I am sure there are a couple others I can't think of right now. And as it looks from where I am standing, he is doing something about precisely ZERO of those.
> 
> I am all for taking the initiative but hell, where do I start with that??? I can't deal with his stress. I can't make him less tired OR get him to participate earlier in the day. I have birth control which is not enough to reassure him yet he won't do anything further. I can engineer variety, I'm all for that both by eay of initiating and when we're getting down to it but that's if he wants to get down to it! And as for it being easier to do it himself? I can't do anything about his laziness.
> 
> ...


He has legitimate points, easily knocked down.

1. Tiredness. Initiate early in the morning or way before bed. Take a 30 minute power nap and ring the bell after, OR ring the bell, then nap while you cuddle. They make this stuff called caffine and 5 hour energy too. B vitamins and caffine can perk you right up when you feel tired.

2. Work stress. Most guys, myself included sex is going to relieve stress. It has the same effect on our bodies as working out. The blood and endorphins do wonders for your mental well being. Hell, take the stress out on you. His boss screwed him today, screw me babe....

3. Fear of pregnancy. Take your pill in front of him every day. If that's not good enough, consider depo. It has the effect of stopping periods on most women...thats a bonus.

4. Variety. This one is PROBABLY the real reason. Everyone gets bored with the same exact routine in bed. The same boring old missionary or whatever. Take turns playing quarterback and calling the plays to use a sports analogy. Be prepared for anything and hopefully it won't get too crazy. Can't think of enough ways to be different, check out books like 101 days of sex. Hell there is a free android app that has more sex positions than you can shake a stick at. I'm sure you want variety too, make it happen. It will be best to find a way that both of you can make suggestions and be involved.

5. Easier to do it yourself. In certain ways yes, if he has an emotional hangup that isn't being dealt with, its going to be easier to have a drama free masturbation session. Been there, done that. It's NEVER better and it's no substitute for the real thing. Find ways to deal with the emotional issues and reduce drama and that one is done. 

The last thing is patience with some chance taking/change-ups. Relationships don't get better if someone doesn't take a chance and do something to change it up. They don't improve while both people are the same tired, frustrated people who managed to dig a hole to china (quite by accident). Arguing over who had the shovel or did the most digging doesn't get you out of the hole either. Eliminate the excuses, eliminate you from the equation and tell him to man up, in the nicest but most honest way possible.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Could be some other issue is causing some of this.
> 
> If he hasn't gotten a Physical Health Checkup in the last year, you should get him to.
> 
> ...


I have thought may be he has low T. I have not mentioned it to him. He has been ill a couple times this year, I wouldn't say he's sickly but his health isn't tip top. I would have to push this with him as another of his arguments is doing it once a week is perfectly normal. He doesn't look at it in context.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> When you do have sex, how/who initiates it?
> 
> On the days when you don't have sex, is there discussion/mention of it? If so, what tone does the discussion take - is it a normal tone, accusatory, nagging, etc.?
> 
> ...


Right now being honest I'd say I initiate slightly more but wayyyyyy less than I used to. He turns me down may be 50% of the time. I rarely if ever say no to him. I have stopped initiating as much (probably a third of what I used to) as it does hurt to be turned down so much now.

I do not talk about sex as much as I used to. I censor my thoughts, feelings for fear of being rejected, called a nympho, etc. We go some days with no mention, other days one or the other of us might be flirty or bring up something that interests us to do in the bedroom. Most sex talk right now is reasons why he doesn't want to do it. I didn't realise that until I typed it but that saddens me a lot.

He hates me getting upset if he rejects me. Says I am wayyyyy too sensitive. I never nag him or get accusatory unless I am at the end of my tether then I might get angry a little.

We always had a good sex life prior to his EA. I think looking back there was a degree of hysterical bonding which may account for the every day frequency but it was certainly never less than three times a week ever.

We did MC for a while. It helped. I still feel sad about it and it affected my esteem but we have made a lot of progress. He was and is very guilty about it and hates that he hurt me. Something he said the other day made me think that may be he sees my need for sex as a way of soothing my esteem. That I use it to feel loved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> He has legitimate points, easily knocked down.
> 
> 1. Tiredness. Initiate early in the morning or way before bed. Take a 30 minute power nap and ring the bell after, OR ring the bell, then nap while you cuddle. They make this stuff called caffine and 5 hour energy too. B vitamins and caffine can perk you right up when you feel tired.
> 
> ...


phantomfan I really ought to show him your response!

I have tried the things you mention on my part. Re the birth control, I have a coil fitted. I do all the things you mention.

The variety? Backfired slightly. I brought it up a while back. He did again later and surprise... It is all about him. This is a huge bugbear at the moment. The different stuff he brings up is pretty much exclusively about.pleasuring him. Not necessarily a problem in itself but given a big part of this problem is that he has taken to masturbating instead of having sex, you can see my issues with that. I have bitten my tongue so far but I know it will come out sooner or later.

I sent him a sexy text message yesterday. "You are invited on a date at 10:30pm in the bedroom. Clorhing optional, tight undies preferred. Bring lube and a willing tongue." He did after first trying to put me off until his bedtime (when I'm too tired) and it was great. On my part I will feel now like I can't flirt or initiate as he will say we did it yesterday, he wants some space, he *does* want to do stuff but wants his own time. If I pursue anythinv before the weekend I'll get shot down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Well I tried for it today. He said something earlier and I created a little double entendre out of it and propositioned him for later. I got a flat out "no way I'm too tired." Ah well at least I tried.

I feel quite hurt by all of this. The thing that pains me is, that I can understand he gets tired. I dob't expect anevery day frequency or set unobtainable standards. I know he does worry about pregnancy. I know he gets stressed. I just wish he would just think sometimes about my needs even if he's not up for it. I feel like I am saying something I've read a LOT of guys say on here. I mean I can't remember the amount of times I have just gicen him a hand, or given him a BJ "just for him" but I honestly can't remember him EVER doing the same for me., ie just taking care of me either because I have a need or just because he can.
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Last night = not good. The issue came up. He asked me out of the blue to 'sort him out.' My reaction was to say I was sick of his requests to do that. I didn't plan to say it, it just came out like that. He immediately got defensive. Not this again, I'm so insecure, he was pretty mean. Said he was just joking about sorting him out.

It is increasingly apparent that he sees my initiations and need for sex as a weakness. That he sees my desire as an insecurity and sex is for me to know he cares. I do not know how this has come about nor how I fix it. How do I if every time I initiaie he sees me as needy? That is so ****ed up I don't know where to start with it.
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi walking ~

Have you ever read through MEM's thermostat/barometer post?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

You sound like the 'hotter' partner in your relationship, and when you come on to your husband, who is the 'cooler' partner, he pushes back and tries to create space from you.

What do you think would happen if you pulled back for a while? Concentrated on your projects and hobbies, worked on building up your self-esteem and confidence?

Do YOU think that you are using sex as a way to prop up your self-esteem - to gauge your self-worth based upon how interested he is? Look deep into yourself really hard.

If you are indeed being 'other validated' - requiring your H to provide the props for your self-worth or constantly requiring his approval to make you feel good rather than empowering and improving yourself - then he will get tired of that and push back.

You would need to get to the point where you are 'self validated' instead, where you value yourself and know you are worthwhile in and of yourself, regardless of other's actions.

If you feel you fall into this category, the following article and book are some good reading and thought material for you:

Do You Want Your Partner To Stroke Your Ego Or Your Genitals? | Psychology Today

Amazon.com: Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (9780825305672): David Schnarch: Books

Have you been doing any IC at all? If not, you may want to consider it. It can be a real blow to have your partner be disinterested and to have had them engage in an EA. It might be good to be able to have someone else to talk through this with to gain some additional perspective and insight.

Best wishes.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi walking ~
> 
> Have you ever read through MEM's thermostat/barometer post?
> 
> ...


Hi Enchantment

I have used dropping the thermostat before. It works to a degree. He seems to initially respond by moving closer then shows resentment. Eg he seems to like me being busy without him and out of the house. He becomes more affectionate. Eventually he gets cross because he wants his own time to do his thing but says it is difficult around work and the kids.

He says we'd have more time together if I wasn't going out twice a week (I do gym and workout Sunday mornings and have started taking the older kids an evening a week too) yet for all the years previously when I've been available at these times he's not been especially bothered.

My confidence and esteem outside my marriage is great. Inside however... Not. His EA really did a number on me. Sex wasn't a problem even when we did MC last year, we both agreed. It has only come to the forefront relatively recently. We used to have a 'always say yes' policy. Even if one of us wasn't up for it we'd make the effort and always find we could get in the mood. It has only been since he started rejecting me on a regular basis that I felt concerned. He says it is nothing to do with how he feels about me and sees it as a natural part of how desire changes over time. That is, he doesn't need to do anything about it because it's normal.

Being very honest, I feel sex is a measure of my importance in his life. It is not only that. I feel it reflects his desire for me. That he shows his love through it. The fact that he is very much all about hand jobs and his pleasure at the moment speaks volumes to me. I feel that is a reflection of his feelings for me within our marriage: that it is too much effort for him to care about my feelings. If he thinks sexual thoughts only once a week, then to him there is no cause to consider my sexual feelings outside of that time. There is not a time when he thinks, could walkingwounded do with any 'attention'? Can I do anything to help her be satisfied? Sex is only relevant to him when he is in the mood. Anything else is received as nagging, or my insecurity.

He *is* pushing back. I don't know what to do. Yesterday he said I am never happy. He basically implied that I shouldn't bring up the subject. He has a way of cutting through everything and turning it round to make me sound crazy. He said I wasn't 'thinking properly' and to go see my doctor as it 'wasn't right' to think like that orcfor it to get me down.

Do I need his validation? Partly yes I guess. My main complaint is that whilst I completely agree that he *does* show he cares, this is shown in ways that aren't my love language. He is happy to run errands, pick up stuff, drive around, do jobs etc, but he 'recoils' almost from the specific things I need from him. Almost like he actively avoids them. Or the classic "makes a big effort when I get upset then back to the usual" routine.

This feeds my insecurity. He comes across like he will do the barest minimum to meet my emotional needs, not invest in anything I need then get angry because I doubt his feelings. He thinks simply SAYING he lives me and wants to have sex is enough to show he wants to have sex... Isn't having sex showing you want to have sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

He initiated earlier. I had spent so much time thinking how to handle my level of desire compared to his that it threw me completely.

I froze. Of course he wanted to know what was the matter. I explained by saying I had no idea how to handle the feelings I have been having. Some stuff tumbled out that I didn't realize, that I spent the last fewmonths trying to redeem my esteem after his EA, and when I thought I was getting better, his sudden constant rejections and lack of interest had led me to question myself again and opened up that wound I thought was healing.

He said sometimes I need to just stop thinking. That I would spoil everything if I carried on. Then said he was no longer in the mood, grabbed his clothes and walked out saying he'd see me in the car. I just sat there not knowing how I felt. Thirty seconds later he walked back in the room smiling. I was totally confused then.

He shimmied up and we got cozy. I feel better but simultaneously feel a little distant from him. I can honestly say I feel very vulnerable right now to outside attention. I am not really sure how to handle that or whether to tell him about how I feel because I feel so very mixed up right now.


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