# Even if I dont feel like it....



## MielR (May 22, 2012)

My husband is very sexual... very.
He believes that sex is most important in a relationship above all.
Here's my issue.

I have felt some animosity towards him because of all our other issues (we fight, financial troubles, my depression)
though he cannot seem to realize that it all affects my wanting to be intimate.

I'm protective of my personal space, when I'm sleeping is the time he tries to initiate sex the most. And honestly, I feel its the worst time for me.

He gets pretty upset when Im not in the mood, some times escalates to a loud argument, I cry, he yells.. But he cannot seem to understand that him not understanding or being sensitive to my needs is getting in the way of our intimacy.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

How often are you intimate?

Recognize that initmacy is a need of his. Lack of intimacy makes him less wanting to give in areas where you need. It becomes a cycle where each is waiting for the other to give in first.

Since you are here, consider what you can do to break that cycle. Are there other times you can be intimate? What about both of you getting to bed earlier?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MielR said:


> He gets pretty upset when Im not in the mood, some times escalates to a loud argument, I cry, he yells.. But he cannot seem to understand that him not understanding or being sensitive to my needs is getting in the way of our intimacy.


Then you need to break that down to him. Today.

You both have needs so he needs to meet you halfway. 

Otherwise, you are going to resent the hell out of him. And resentment = zero libido for him.


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

At the very least 3X a week, I "put out" not just for him, but for me too... but when I feel under appreciated and am not in the mood it seems to be all about his needs.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Do you feel comfortable and do you have the time to initiate sex when you are more alert? That way he won't spring his pent up drive on you when you're most tired.

Perhaps after any kids you have go to bed... or at least an hour or two before you plan to go to bed. It helps my wife to mentally prepare herself for sex for 20-30 minutes before hand as well. That might help you as well?

You might find that if you take more control of the when and how often, that he might be more supportive in other parts of your life you need him most.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You two need to have serious, honest discussions about all of the issues in your marriage. Counseling may be necessary for both of you to open up about why you are not meeting each other's needs.

Do you know how to fight fairly? No name calling, no contempt. Leave the room at once if things get heated.

Do you have a budget for the financial issues? Have you both discussed areas where you can cut spending?

What are you doing about your depression? Medication? Exercise and re-directing thoughts?

Sex is the most important need for many men in a marriage. You need to tell your husband when you are receptive to sex, and give him an alternate time that you will keep if you turn him down.

Address these issues now, because things only get worse when patterns and resentments become established. Tell your husband what you need to feel loved, and let him know that you want to make him feel loved, too.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MielR said:


> At the very least 3X a week, I "put out" not just for him, but for me too... but when I feel under appreciated and am not in the mood it seems to be all about his needs.


You need to communicate this too him.

Also, recognize that your "views" of having sex to just do it are likely coming through to you husband. That can build resentment on his side as well, so be aware. Consider raising the issue as wanting to want it more, and that working on meeting both your needs will help you with that. 

Another suggestion is to look for the His Needs, Her Needs worksheet (you can find it with a quick internet search) and have both of you do it. It can be very helpful in figuring out what each of your needs are and how to best direct your efforts.


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> You two need to have serious, honest discussions about all of the issues in your marriage. Counseling may be necessary for both of you to open up about why you are not meeting each other's needs.


At this point I feel like our relationship needs an outside point of view where he can hear it from some one else, because when I feel like an issue needs to be addressed it doesnt stay at a "communication" level. But honestly, I cannot afford counseling.

He doesnt fight fair, I can express my feelings without any charged language but in the end I feel like I cannot bring up anything without making him upset, then its all my fault, or I have to change in order for him to want to, or I cause this or that. If I try to leave the room, he doesnt let me, or say that all I can do is run, run away because I can take how he speaks to me. And I do, I try so hard to fix on my end but how long can it last being a one-sided relationship

I've developed a budget, a calendar listing payment dates, etc. 
I have made it clear where we can cut spending... ITS NOT VERY WELL EXECUTED. Our home requires input from both incomes to stay on the right track but we get behind because with him I feel like its in one ear out the other. Or he makes promises that arent kept. 

For Depression, I do nothing but cry, cry in the shower, cry in the car, I read self-help books but they arent helping.
My most effective redirection is our son, he keeps me happy.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If you're husband isn't fighting fair, perhaps you need well defined boundaries that you don't allow him to cross. You should explain to him exactly where those boundaries lie. If he's saying things that bother you, let him know what's unacceptable... and if he says those things just leave the room. No fighting, no drama... just walk out. When you come back calm you can explain to him again what you won't tolerate (reaffirming those boundaries).


Depression is a serious issue. You should get help from IC if you can.

I find the main way to battle my own depression is with hope. Hope that there will be an end to what's tormenting me. Until I have that hope, that depression will sit there and fester.

That hope for me comes from understanding why I feel the way I do, and coming up with a plan to end what's troubling me.

I know that's a short answer to a complicated issue, and you've likely already read far better approaches in your books. I just thought I'd toss out what helps me.


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> If you're husband isn't fighting fair, perhaps you need well defined boundaries that you don't allow him to cross. You should explain to him exactly where those boundaries lie. If he's saying things that bother you, let him know what's unacceptable... and if he says those things just leave the room. No fighting, no drama... just walk out. When you come back calm you can explain to him again what you won't tolerate (reaffirming those boundaries).


Thanks for the suggestion. I also did mention that he doesnt let me leave. He'll stand in front of the door, if i go in the bathroom, he'll find a way in. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM
Is that in any way abusive? I think so....


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

What is IC? Sorry, I just cant think of what that may be.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It sounds like you are married to an immature, abusive man. If you do not think that he wants to work on his issues, I would formulate a plan to leave. You deserve better than someone who forces his way into the bathroom during an argument.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

MielR said:


> What is IC? Sorry, I just cant think of what that may be.


IC = Individual Counseling... as opposed to group therapy or marriage counseling (as a couple).


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> It sounds like you are married to an immature, abusive man. If you do not think that he wants to work on his issues, I would formulate a plan to leave. You deserve better than someone who forces his way into the bathroom during an argument.


I hate to admit it but that is really looking to be my only solution... There's so much more to add to the list of our issues and I think our relationship has gotten too intense for me to even WANT to fix things. Because of him I've exhausted all my resources, no friends to ask for help, and my mother is ill and is taking care of her ill mother. 

All I can do is struggle and hide money for a lengthy period of time until I can leave. And I am NOT ready to see whats gonna happen when I drop the bomb on him.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

MielR said:


> Thanks for the suggestion. I also did mention that he doesnt let me leave. He'll stand in front of the door, if i go in the bathroom, he'll find a way in. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM
> Is that in any way abusive? I think so....


Oh that is very controlling if not a mild form of abuse. Would he give you space to get by if you ask? Perhaps just tell him you need space right now, that we can talk about w/e later?

If he doesn't give you space, lol perhaps you should scream. Not hurtful statements, just scream that you need SOME TIME ALONE AND SOME SPACE FOR 5 MINUTES!!! I came a family where we got loud a lot... so that wouldn't bother me too much, not sure about your husband though.


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

There has been instances that if he didnt let me when i asked, I would try to go around him.... No way!
I've screamed, pushed, tried it all, I come from a loud family too but, He's louder, stronger, and makes me feel helpless so I have no choice but to take what he has to say to me. I completely shut down.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, just wait a hold it, Miel.

If you are being restrained from moving at will in your own home, then yes, that is abuse.

Jeez. No wonder you've shut down sexually. If you read my history here at all, you'll see that I'm very sex-positive, but when a woman's agency is completely removed, that's frequently the only way she has to respond.

Given how reluctant you were to mention this, I have to think this is not the only incident of abuse that you have experienced. I would beg you to call your local battered woman's hotline for some professional help -- you don't have to disclose your name, but you do need to talk to someone more well trained than strangers on the internet.


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

I'm one who doesnt want to resort to divorce, I felt like its not an option for me, especially for the sake of our son. I'd give and have pretty much given anything for the sake of our relationship to be different, to get better, it may be good for a month or two, then BAM right back. 

I say when we're good we are GREAT but when the relationship is on bad terms IT IS HELL literally and this particular time is lasting way longer than it has before. Its too much of a difference for me to deal with.

But really how much is too much?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Miel, when you are being physically abused, that's too much. Period. I don't care how much you love him. That's not acceptable, and that doesn't get better on its own.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MielR said:


> I'm one who doesnt want to resort to divorce, I felt like its not an option for me, especially for the sake of our son. I'd give and have pretty much given anything for the sake of our relationship to be different, to get better, it may be good for a month or two, then BAM right back.
> 
> I say when we're good we are GREAT but when the relationship is on bad terms IT IS HELL literally and this particular time is lasting way longer than it has before. Its too much of a difference for me to deal with.
> 
> But really how much is too much?


If you won't put divorce on the table, what is his incentive to change? He knows you will always be there, even if he behaves badly.

Also, the advice you get from a forum like this is directly effected by the information you give. These are major issues you are only now raising, when they should have been in the original post. We want to help, but can only do so based on what you give us. As this is anonymous, please help us help you.


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Given how reluctant you were to mention this, I have to think this is not the only incident of abuse that you have experienced. I would beg you to call your local battered woman's hotline for some professional help -- you don't have to disclose your name, but you do need to talk to someone more well trained than strangers on the internet.


I've considered that, I've always just been afraid that I'll be pressured into filing some sort of police report, I dont want that... If I cant get counseling or some support to move on then whats the help of doing that... but you know what they say about assuming so, I'm on it I'll let you know how it goes....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I understand, Miel. They are used to women in your position. Just make it clear that you are asking some initial questions and need some advice. There is no shame in calling and asking -- only in hiding at home and pretending nothing is wrong.

You've made a huge step today and I am very proud of you. Please do keep in touch with us!


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## MielR (May 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Also, the advice you get from a forum like this is directly effected by the information you give. These are major issues you are only now raising, when they should have been in the original post. We want to help, but can only do so based on what you give us. As this is anonymous, please help us help you.


I apologize for that, I realize that it changes the whole view of the issue I brought up. I feel like I'm indenial, or that I may try to pretend its something less than what it is. I realized that. 
I'm sort of brainwashed to put out information little by little just to see where I stand. Its not easy for me to talk.

Really. Im sorry if you felt mislead.
Its quite embarassing


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Not embarrassing, Miel. Completely understandable. You can PM me anytime.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

There's nothing to be embarrassed about Miel. Being a victim is nothing to be ashamed of.

I agree with TAG and Lamaga. While I understand you not wanting to bring the police into it... he needs to feel that you will push back. He's being a bully, and if it takes the threat of divorce/separation to bring him into counseling and get to the bottom of things sobeit.

Bottom line is the current situation is untenable. You need to work for the change you need, and it will get a little messy before it can get better. Just prepare yourself for that. A little mess now and then that gets cleaned up for the better later is well worth it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MielR said:


> I apologize for that, I realize that it changes the whole view of the issue I brought up. I feel like I'm indenial, or that I may try to pretend its something less than what it is. I realized that.
> I'm sort of brainwashed to put out information little by little just to see where I stand. Its not easy for me to talk.
> 
> Really. Im sorry if you felt mislead.
> Its quite embarassing


Nothing to be embarassed about, and I don't think you mislead us. I am sorry if my post came across as harsh, because I did not intend that (though perhaps a bit frustrated). We do want to help, and will certainly do our best not to judge you or make you feel bad. I do hope that you can open up, whether on the forum or with a PM to some of the posters, so that you can give us the information and we can do our best to help you.

I do wish you well and hope you continue to come here and find help.


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