# Help please? I don't know what to do



## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

Okay, I'm really at a loss about what to do here. My stbx has been unreliable about taking our son on his evenings and weekends. He almost never takes him on the weekdays (but he comes by to visit for very short periods of time half the time) and either does not take him on weekends or only takes him one night. There were a few occasions when he didn't even bother to tell me he wasn't coming ... and when he does tell me its only right before he's supposed to be here. 
So, of course, I talked to him. I said he needs to be consistent so that the baby can adapt to the schedule. Also, that our son misses him, etc. So, he took him for one evening visit the next day and then for his entire weekend. Great right? Wrong! On his last scheduled visit he called me 15 minutes before he was supposed to be here and said he wasn't coming ... and the one before that he stopped by for maybe 5 minutes. To top all this off he never pays me his child support either .... there is always some excuse.
In a couple months my son will understand when I say Daddy is coming (he's only 9 months old)... and it ill hurt him if he doesn't show!
I no longer know what to do. I cannot force my stbx to take our son when he's supposed too ... but i want to protect my son from this hurt. As much as I hate when my son is not with me, I know he needs a relationship with his Dad and I want him to have it. He needs to have that.
Any suggestions?


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Talk to your lawyer. The courts are getting better at MAKING the non-custodial parent pay support. A friend of mine is an employer. He has two employees whose child support is removed from the pay check before the employees are paid. 

The visitation thing I doubt there is much you can do. Your lawyer might suggest that you journal these incidents in case it becomes in your and your child's best interest to get a modification to the custody order. Since he is so young, sadly it won't be long before he does not even remember regularly hanging out with "daddy." Obviously you can't make plans for when Dad is supposed to have him.  

Best luck.


As far as questions from your son... Answer them honestly but with as little explanation as possible. Take the high moral ground and don't bash. That won't help your son.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, first tip in dealing with an unreliable parent: Don't tell your child daddy is coming. Let it always be a surprise, that way he's not disappointed when daddy doesn't show. 

Child support is easy enough to deal with: get it ordered through the court, if you haven't already. Once ordered through the court, if he doesn't pay, have him held in contempt. Eventually, if he gets far enough behind, they'll take measures to force him to pay (driver license suspension, jail time, etc.). It may not actually get you the money, but at least you'll be able to one day tell your son that you did fight to get what was owed to your son.


----------



## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

Oh, I'd never say anything bad about my stbx to my son. Even now, when he wouldn't understand, I'm very careful to never say anything negative in front of him.
I've also been trying not to say "daddy's coming" ... cause who the hell knows if that's true?! Plus, its currently my only means of ensuring he is not dissapointed. 
My fear is that someday my son will ask why his Dad doesn't want to see him (obviously this would be a ways away though)... and I won't have an answer. It hurts me to know that if, god forbid, this never changes, my son will be the one to suffer for it ... and I can't protect him from it. Its like watching a car barreling towards him and being unable to move in order to push him out of the way. I want so badly to protect him ... and the thought that I will not be able to is breaking my heart. 
Then again, maybe I'm creating a problem in my mind that may never be an issue? ... a 35 year old man has to grow up someday right??? ... or, at least, that is my hope!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Ok, first tip in dealing with an unreliable parent: Don't tell your child daddy is coming. Let it always be a surprise, that way he's not disappointed when daddy doesn't show.


Ah... that's good advice. I know someone who had to do that.



> Child support is easy enough to deal with: get it ordered through the court, if you haven't already. Once ordered through the court, if he doesn't pay, have him held in contempt. Eventually, if he gets far enough behind, they'll take measures to force him to pay (driver license suspension, jail time, etc.). It may not actually get you the money, but at least you'll be able to one day tell your son that you did fight to get what was owed to your son.


They just garner wages now ... and don't bother with the rest. I guess some states may not do that yet though...?


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

colour-me-confused said:


> Oh, I'd never say anything bad about my stbx to my son. Even now, when he wouldn't understand, I'm very careful to never say anything negative in front of him.
> I've also been trying not to say "daddy's coming" ... cause who the hell knows if that's true?! Plus, its currently my only means of ensuring he is not dissapointed.
> My fear is that someday my son will ask why his Dad doesn't want to see him (obviously this would be a ways away though)... and I won't have an answer. It hurts me to know that if, god forbid, this never changes, my son will be the one to suffer for it ... and I can't protect him from it.


Yup. That just plain blows doors. And there is nothing you can do about it. 

I have a friend with 5 children, 4 from a previous marriage and 1 from her current marriage. The Dad never phones, never visits. When he DOES phone it is usually after the kids are in bed! And he knows. They have gotten somewhat lucky in that this woman married a REALLY great guy for the second husband. He has taken the kids on as his own with a very mature and nurturing attitude. It sounds sad, but the kids don't miss their "Dad". They have a Dad. Now that is not a great solution for you. But maybe it will help to have faith that really all you need to deal with is right now and today. 

Things DO have a way of working themselves out with faith, kindness and love applied. 



Best luck.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Ah... that's good advice. I know someone who had to do that.
> 
> 
> 
> They just garner wages now ... and don't bother with the rest. I guess some states may not do that yet though...?


Well, I told her it might not get her the money because my ex just quits working to get around it. I don't know her ex, so I can't say what he will/won't do, but I felt it would be wrong of me not to mention that she still might not get the money.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

colour-me-confused said:


> ... My fear is that someday my son will ask why his Dad doesn't want to see him (obviously this would be a ways away though)... and I won't have an answer. It hurts me to know that if, god forbid, this never changes, my son will be the one to suffer for it ... and I can't protect him from it. ...


This is exactly the situation Dear Hubby and I found ourselves in. Both of our exes were "walkaways" and spend little or no time with the children--and when they do it is at their convenience. 

When the kids are small/younger they do not realize it isn't normal. My kids thought dad was "busy" or "at work" and assumed everyone's dad was like that so it didn't really bother them until they got older. One day my daughter said to me, "Know when <this and that> happened in 3rd grade?" and I laughed and said "Yes I remember, so and so said this!" and then she said "And remember when <thus and such> happened at the ballgame?" and I again laughed and say "Oh sure! Remember? <Name> said <funny thing>!!?" Then she got really sad and said, "When I asked dad that, he didn't remember any of it. He doesn't really remember my life at all. He wasn't there, was he?" 

 WOW! What do you say? 

I personally believe in telling the kids the truth in love, so I said, "Well honey there were a lot of time he choose to be busy or be at work, yes. Does that bother you?" and then she got to tell me how she felt as if it was a completely new realization to her. 

When your son is young, if you're there with him, providing for him and meeting his needs, he'll probably think that having a dad "come by now and then" is normal and won't think another thing of it. My guess is he won't notice it's not normal until about middle school. So just be honest and help him to deal honestly with it. If he's hurt or your ex's neglect hurts him, help your son learn that it's between him and his dad and it is okay to tell his dad, "Hey when you stay away so much it hurts me."


----------

