# For those of you cheated on...



## girl12345 (Oct 1, 2012)

Just curious for those of you that have been cheated on, and chose to stay and work through the problems, do any of you wish you'd chosen otherwise? My D-Day was 2 years ago. I still struggle with trust, I still snoop and try to glance when a text alert goes off. A lot of the reasoning I stayed was because we had a 6 month old at the time, and I wanted to try to work thru things to still be a family for him. Now 2 years later, more often than not, I wish I had left. For my own sanity. Sometimes I feel like we are just living and that the boy is our only common denominator. Life is not bad, don't get me wrong, but it isn't good. Sometimes I feel like I missed the boat to freedom....


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

It's your call if you can continue to live with all of this or not. Sounds like you want out. Are you guys in any sort of MC?


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

One of the biggest reasons I'm afraid to R is I don't want to wake up 2 years down the line going "damn, should have left"

Good luck, you have fought a hard fight to get this far.


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## girl12345 (Oct 1, 2012)

We had gone for 3 seesions a few mos after D-Day, but we didn't have the money to continue going. I just feel in a lot of ways we've grown apart. And sometimes I wonder if he chose to want to work on things for the right reasons as well. Because before all came out in the open, he'd wanted to move apart to "work on things" and "see if we'd re-connect" with me, but it's obvious that he wanted his wife nearby without being too close to ruin what was going on. A few weeks after all went down and me asking and asking if we were moving together or apart, he decided for us to move together (our lease at the time was expiring about 6 wks after D-Day). I knew there was no way he could afford a place on his own, plus half of daycare and the baby's needs. I can't help but wonder if he chose to move together because of money. I have seen no evidence of anything going on in the last 2 years, but yet I still snoop. For some reason I can't stop.


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## girl12345 (Oct 1, 2012)

Thank you Stages. Yes it has been a hard for sure. It's something that's always on my mind :/


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm fine with my decision to stay. I'd say it's a very happy place now.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I wish you the best it sort of feels like a annoying tooth ache sometimes the pain subsides then sometimes it comes back.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

The one regret I do have is I kept taking my ex back a few times until I put my foot down. I'm happy that I did that disspointed that I stayed as long as I did, all the snooping and time wasted trying to "trust and verify' was just a bit much. Good luck to you whatever choice you make I hope it brings you peace.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

So you chose to stay together for the kid. Ok, that is fine.

What did you guys do to change your marriage? Did you figure out what the problems were before? Have you addressed any of the problems? Do you talk more, about everything? Do you both share your thoughts? Did you read any books? If so, which ones? Do you feel he wad sorry for betraying you? What actions does he take to show that? Does he know you snoop, does he share info? Does he have stuff he keeps from you?


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

We are 7 months into R and it's hard work, but I'm willing to fight for us and work though this together.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm one year into R, trying to recover from the most horrible betrayal you can imagine in a 25 year marriage. (You can read about it on my first post if you care to.)

I can simply tell you that while R has gone pretty well and my wife is doing the right things, there is not a day that goes by I don't think about what she did and wonder if I did the right thing to stay. I sometimes make exit strategy plans in my head on my bad days. I still suffer the mind movies.

The other night she and I had a discussion about my emotional state. I told her that though I hoped we'd be together for the rest of our lives, I couldn't promise her anything. Even a year removed, for me it's day to day, week to week. The healing is a lot tougher than I could have imagined. 

I'm trying to be a good husband to her and I'm content enough to stay for now. I hope as more time passes, I'll feel more positive about things. We'll see.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

It's not too late to call it quits. Don't live the rest of your life with regrets. 
H. And I are 7 months in R. I don't regret it for a minute.
No need to snoop, there is total transparency, I have access to everything!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We're two years into R and I can honestly say I have not once thought I made the wrong choice. Once I made the decision to let him move home, I haven't looked back. We've been through quite a bit since then, including his revelation that he had hired a hooker 3 months before he moved back home, but even through that I didn't want 'out'. We've been going through a rough patch lately too, but all I want to do is fix it, not throw in the towel.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I think it really depends on the combination of variables. 

My divorce was one born out of necessity; my wife refused to reconcile. But I can tell you that if we had stayed together it would have been terrible. 

However there are wise and good-spirited people here like Hope1964, who have gone the other road, and it's working very well for them.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

girl12345, you will be doing far better than many betrayed spouses if you decide to leave the cheater meet somebody new, and be able to trust them in the future.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

girl12345 said:


> Just curious for those of you that have been cheated on, and chose to stay and work through the problems, do any of you wish you'd chosen otherwise? My D-Day was 2 years ago. I still struggle with trust, I still snoop and try to glance when a text alert goes off. A lot of the reasoning I stayed was because we had a 6 month old at the time, and I wanted to try to work thru things to still be a family for him. Now 2 years later, more often than not, I wish I had left. For my own sanity. Sometimes I feel like we are just living and that the boy is our only common denominator. Life is not bad, don't get me wrong, but it isn't good. Sometimes I feel like I missed the boat to freedom....


I do wish I would have just filed and walked away at the beginning. I stayed for over a year trying to R when she did the minimum. My thought process at the time was to work through things and not lose her and our family...at all cost. Now I feel like I wasted too much time and she benefited from this. Instead of hitting her with the cold hard reality and consequences of her choices, she got to get used to the idea and mentally plan things out in preparing for D. I was a pushover and a rug sweeper. By staying, I paid the price...emotionally. 

I also thought I could get over all of the different aspects of what she did...emotional/physical cheating, lying...etc. After discovery, I just wanted to get past that stuff without doing the real deep thinking about how it would effect any life with her in the future. All of this stuff never seems to go away...it's always there, under the surface. The resentment is always there as well. 

I know I can never really trust her again and i can never forget. This is mostly because of her lack of remorse and real effort and the fact that I gave her so many chances to come clean. Marriage without trust is useless. I realized that our marriage is now flawed...imperfect. Nothing could completely fix that... remove that scar. It will never be what it was before her betrayal or rather what I thought it was.

Yes I wish I would have just bailed out after D day #2, or at least, D day #3.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh yes. 3-1/2 years and countless DD’s later. I know the feeling of losing your mind quite well. Every single day her affairs and speculation cross my mind. I think of divorce quite often. Extremely mixed feeling about the marriage. Love and hate all wrapped into a chaotic package. First year of R wasn’t like that; I didn’t question the R and my love for her.. I was still dealing with finding out the extent and madly still in love. It’s really the second year that I turned both inward and sort of ‘re-evaluated’ who this woman was... Questions started. By the third year, and her no longer willing to talk about such stuff... a lot of bad answers about who she is inside are assumed....

My wayward wife is trying; Just rugsweeping the past and trying to be a good wife now. Things aren’t bad, pretty good actually, but I know she hasn’t been transparent. Still the liar and all that represents. It’s a struggle to compartmentalize like she does; The past may be the past, but it still is a major emotional trauma to me and not a closed book. If I can shut it out, the future is bright....

And me? I waffle between immense shame at myself for staying with this person, and pride for the progress. A duality and internal conflict... There is an odd sense of pride of “I did this alone”, then bashing yourself because she did stuff too.... But was it of her own free will or because I gave her no other choice? I really do not know her motivations; Because she wants to change or is it change out of fear of what she’ll lose if she doesn’t (and a growing resentment of my ‘control over her’ resulting in future affairs). Hence the crazy.

Now, my fantasy is going back to DD#1... long before this latest round of affairs. She was very deep in the fog. I was the bad guy doing things that ‘gave her no other option’ besides going outside the marriage ‘to fill the void’. She was sorry, felt ashamed for becoming ‘that kind of woman’... I could have, should have used that fog and gotten a clean split. There was a good window for years where I could have taken advantage of her living in a fantasy world where anything was better in her mind than our life together, and torn because it offered her so much she’d have to leave behind.. But I didn’t. I went full on doormat and things got steadily worse. Years later when she got caught red handed; I went for the R and earned a lot more scars before being willing to snap back and stand against her finally breaking her. 

Its harder now. She’s trying. We are enjoying each others company. But its rather shallow and she is guarded. I am emotionally distant unable to reform bonds; I still wear my armor. Too much damage in so many areas. So... I make do; I consider us dating and having a very complex relationship that doesn’t look or feel like a marriage to me. It is what keeps me going... The hope that one day I might actually want to spend the rest of my life with her. Until that day, I make excuses as to why I’m still here. Maybe that is really how you know: When divorce feels like the ‘right choice’ and the excuses are being made to stay married.... I don’t know... I just plod on through this war torn landscape within my head.


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