# Wife's interest in one night stand



## Nm10 (Jun 17, 2014)

I would really like a point of view from both men and women on this. But first let me explain our history and the situation. 
We got married when I was 20, my wife was 18. We have now been married almost 10 years and together 12. We have 3 kids, 7,6, and 1. We have had our ups and downs but for the most part have a very strong relationship, friend ship, and I think a decent sex life. My wife has always told me I should have a one night stand because I've really only been with her (except for the girl I lost my virginty to at 13) she has had more partners than I and always talked about how sex can just be sex, which I don't really understand. 
Over the past few days it has come up and become very clear that the idea of having 1 night stands excites my wife. She seems to wish that she could have got to experience that, but because we married so young she missed that part of her 20s. We spent last weekend in Vegas where she got mad at me for not trying to bring a girl home for a 3some. She told me I was being boring. Our friend had 2 one night stands while we were there and she thought it was awesome. 
I am not sure how to handle this. I feel mad that the idea of sleeping with someone for a few hours just because they are hot excites her. I feel like I should be the only one she is excited about. I still get butterflies before we have sex because it's exciting to me. Should I be concerned that should some hot guy ever present her the opportunity that she will act on it? Am I over reacting And this is natural to be curious about 1 night stands?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Yikes! Getting mad at you because you didnt bring a girl back to your room for a threesome?!

One of the problems about getting married so early is that yes you do miss the opportunity to 'play the field' get some experience, 'try' other people etc.

I have never had (sadly!!!) a threesome so cant really comment, but if its something you have both discussed at length, both want to try and are both fully aware of the pitfalls etc and set clear boundaries then why not. But just be careful.
If the first 'session' was FFM then you wife insists on a MMF (to be fair) how would you feel about watching another man bang your wife?

I'm sure other posters will be able to advise you better than me....those who have been there, done that etc!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

This is more about her need than yours. She wants to interject excitement into your sex life, which to you has been fine. A man who is attractive to other women has a higher sex ranking. She wants you to up yours. In some sense she wants to lose you and win you back.

One way to satisfy her would be to work out on weights and have other women looking at you. She would notice this and want to have sex more.

Introducing other people into your bedroom is dangerous. Some on TAM have done it. You can do searches and find discussions.


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## bABI (Apr 29, 2014)

Perhaps your wife wants to get the excitement that comes from chasing after you. 
Please DO NOT have a one night stand! No matter how much she nags and whines, don't go that road. I won't 'preach' about the avalanche of issues & regrets that could result from that one choice/action
Work out and get in good shape, change your wardrobe & dress sense. I guess that will work when she notices how the change makes you attract more female attention than usual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I think she is preparing the grounds for introducing you to The OM.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think you need to be very firm with your wife. 

Yes one night stands can seem exciting, however there are hundreds of people on this site alone who thought they would just have a breif fling/ one night stand and instead ended up in a full blown affair with dire consequences. 

Affairs and new sexual partners are exciting. Most peoples relationships can't compare to that, until it's too late and irreparable damage has been done, then in hind sight people realise what they had was wonderful, and that they should have focused towards their marraige instead of away. 

Some of the dangers are falling for the ONS, pregnancy and STD's. Also be aware that when you have sex and focus on each other that you release Oxytocin, which helps keep you in love and bonds you. Start having sex with others and you could easily fall out of love with each other. 

If you agree then she may lose respect for you, despite saying she wants it. I would say to her- I love you and find you very attractive, we need to focus on each other and make our sex life awesome. I will not stand for cheating or unfaithfulness. I meant my vows, and if you break them or keep pressuring me to break them, I will assume you don't want to be married. I will then file for divorce. We are either 100% committed or we are not. No cake eating for either of us. I deserve a faithful wife and our children deserve faithful committed parents, who will not risk their marraige for a sexual thrill.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Maybe you can turn this into some kind of role playing game so she can live out her fantasy. She could go to a bar where you show up, seduce her, and take her back to a hotel for a 'one night stand'.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Uhhh... You might want to DNA your kids.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

im_tam said:


> I think she is preparing the grounds for introducing you to The OM.


Ha, no doubt.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

You have three kids--don't do it--err, don't let your wife talk you into doing it.

She's the one who probably needs to read the responses here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She wants an open marriage it seems.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's either got a boyfriend on the side or she has a guy she wants to hook up with. Once she gets you to agree with sleeping with another woman, it won't be a sin for her to spread her legs for other men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Nm10 said:


> I would really like a point of view from both men and women on this. But first let me explain our history and the situation.
> We got married when I was 20, my wife was 18. We have now been married almost 10 years and together 12. We have 3 kids, 7,6, and 1. We have had our ups and downs but for the most part have a very strong relationship, friend ship, and I think a decent sex life. My wife has always told me I should have a one night stand because I've really only been with her (except for the girl I lost my virginty to at 13) she has had more partners than I and always talked about how sex can just be sex, which I don't really understand.
> Over the past few days it has come up and become very clear that the idea of having 1 night stands excites my wife. She seems to wish that she could have got to experience that, but because we married so young she missed that part of her 20s. We spent last weekend in Vegas where she got mad at me for not trying to bring a girl home for a 3some. She told me I was being boring. Our friend had 2 one night stands while we were there and she thought it was awesome.
> I am not sure how to handle this. I feel mad that the idea of sleeping with someone for a few hours just because they are hot excites her. I feel like I should be the only one she is excited about. I still get butterflies before we have sex because it's exciting to me. Should I be concerned that should some hot guy ever present her the opportunity that she will act on it? Am I over reacting And this is natural to be curious about 1 night stands?


You married too young.

Yes, I think you should be concerned. She has either been with other people or she wants to be. This may not be the woman you were looking for.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Nm10 said:


> And this is natural to be curious about 1 night stands?


Yeah, I think it's natural to be curious about one night stands. I think it would be fun and exciting to be with some hot chick. Of course. 

But I'm married and made the choice to be loyal and true to my wife and my kids. There are trade-offs in life. 

Your wife wants what comes with being married, and also wants the excitement of having sex with others. She's a cake-eater.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Nm10 said:


> I feel like I should be the only one she is excited about.


This is 100% correct. She should only be excited about you. In order for her to regain respect for and attraction to you, you're going to have to put your foot down and tell her that it is unacceptable, and that you do not want to share your wife sexually.

If this does not work, it may be a mismatch. Perhaps marriage counseling could help?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

askari said:


> Yikes! Getting mad at you because you didnt bring a girl back to your room for a threesome?!
> 
> One of the problems about getting married so early is that yes you do miss the opportunity to 'play the field' get some experience, 'try' other people etc.


"Trying other people" is not that big of a deal, but it is nice to build up a string of successes so that you have faith in yourself and your social skills.



askari said:


> I have never had (sadly!!!) a threesome so cant really comment, but if its something you have both discussed at length, both want to try and are both fully aware of the pitfalls etc and set clear boundaries then why not. But just be careful.
> If the first 'session' was FFM then you wife insists on a MMF (to be fair) how would you feel about watching another man bang your wife?


Right! To see that other guy plunder your wife must make you feel like a mental billionaire. I get the irony of being all game on when its FFM, and then wifey wants to make it fair and invites a guy who has been there ALL ALONG for the MMF and before he even mounts her you can see the undeniable connection, and she's so happy she can share this with you and not hide it.



askari said:


> I'm sure other posters will be able to advise you better than me....those who have been there, done that etc!


Most are saying that even in well seasoned swingers that things do and can go awry, so it might not be a good idea to open up a relationship that is doing well closed. However for a dead or sexless situation... This might be a way to get things moving before you finally pull the plug on it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, what do YOU want? Does this have any appeal to you? If not, definitely do not go there. And if it does have some appeal, be sure to thoroughly examine all the possible scenarios and outcomes and consider the possibilities of jealousy or other pitfalls.

I see a lot of people in your age group get into swinging with other couples to satisfy the sexual exploration they may have missed (yet still want) by marrying young. The ones who have carefully considered the issues often have fun with it or quit after trying it and finding that it's not a good choice for them. Those who do not prepare sometimes have it work out anyway, but they are far more likely to experience problems, especially with jealousy issues.

I'll add that it isn't helpful to judge your wife for possible desires, but it is okay to do so for actions and behaviors. You should both feel safe in discussing anything - even if it's contrary to your values - as that's an opportunity to align your values and thinking for the future.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I think one night stands and 'playing the field' is overrated.

Besides, you say you had only one previous partner (who you lost your virginity at 13!), but "she has had more partners than me". Well, then I assume that's 2,3,4, or 5 partners? So she has played the field already!

Your wife is in a very strange place.

You have three kids, been together for 10 years; WTF!!!!?

Time to realize that you have family and responsibilities, like it or not. You ain't 20 yo no more

TIME TO GROW UP! (your wife).


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

BTW, having a family and kids makes things totally different.

You have to be that much more careful about the relationship and your future.

You and your wife's future is not your own anymore, like it or not.

It now belongs to the kids too. she needs to reckon with this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Nm, welcome aboard.

I can relate to your position better than some here, from the standpoint that I was a virgin when I met my wife but she had several previous sex partners. For me, sex has always been with her. It is something unique to our relationship, at least for me.

But for her sex is just sex. In many ways this seems to be true for her. At the very least it is not uniquely ours.

This difference in viewpoint between you and your wife is important. I think you have to spell it out for her in non-judgmental terms. You aren't condemning her for having other previous sex partners, you are simply making the point that your views of sex are different in this particular aspect.

For you to have sex with another woman would permanently change what sex means with relation to your marriage. And certainly to have sex outside the marriage would permanently change the marriage.

Question: Do you think you have some hangups which she is trying to get you over? Do you have jealousies, or do you have some prudish ideas? Does she think you harass her or think poorly of her for having these other lovers in her past? If there is any possibility that she is getting frustrated with you, and if she thinks the answer is you going out and having sex with someone else, your marriage is at the end of the rope right now. You might do well to ask her directly for an honest answer on this.

I tend to agree with the others that your wife seems bored with your marriage and seems to be horny for some variety. The statistical factors favor this. Her age, the length of your marriage, the kids all add up to a high risk of infidelity. This does not mean she doesn't love you or that she doesn't want her family. But you do have to act now or she will start wandering.

I like the idea of you taking the lead in creating more sexual variety and excitement in the marriage. Do the bar pickup fantasy with her. Bang her in the back seat of your car, or surprise her by renting a room in a hotel. Up your surprise factor by being less predictable. Get a few new clothing items which are less conservative or less casual than you normally wear. e.g. wear button down short sleeve shirts more often, and wear t-shirts less often. Buy some lighter colored pants rather than always wearing blue jeans at home. Spontaneously take her out to dinner once in a while. Stop asking her opinion, just make the decision. e.g. just state that you want seafood so you're taking the family out to the Fish House for dinner tonight. Don't ask her if she wants to go there!

I think getting into some good MC makes sense. Better to do it now when there are some worries rather than later after there is a catastrophe to recover from.

Your wife may have some latent lesbian desires she is feeling now, or she may be simply feeling a primal urge to experience other men. Or she may be feeling she needs a lot more excitement in her sex life. None of these are your fault. You should view this as a positive opportunity to know your wife much more deeply, and as a chance to grow your marriage more fully.

Definitely do not bring outsiders into your marriage!

There is a good chance she has already identified some people she'd like to either do a 3-some with or she'd like to have an affair with. I'm guessing it is still in the fantasy stage. So take strong actions now to short circuit it. You can't make her do anything, and you can't stop her from doing anything she wants to do, but perhaps you can change course enough.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

There are people that often wonder about the high you get from snorting a line or two of coke. 

They can wonder about it until the cows come home but still don't do it because for every action, there's a reaction and with her and her urging you to have a ONS is every bit as bad because in both examples, there's huge pitfalls.

There's something called common sense and she's not using hers in a constructive manner.

She's proposing something that can lead to real big problems in the marriage and IMO, I think she wants you to do this so she can justify something she has up her sleeve that you may not be aware of. 

Time for you two to have a sit down with no kids around and start setting up some boundaries that you both can live with. What she has in mind is not a great idea and if your not cool with it then don't do it. Something like what she wants, you can't undo.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

The thought of another man inside my wife, taking her , maybe making her orgasm does not exite me at all.

And getting STDs from your wife who got them from a stranger would be horrible.

Its not worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thor said:


> Nm, welcome aboard.
> 
> I can relate to your position better than some here, from the standpoint that I was a virgin when I met my wife but she had several previous sex partners. For me, sex has always been with her. It is something unique to our relationship, at least for me.
> 
> ...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You should be concerned. To me it sounds for all the world like she's softening you up. Getting you laid first so that when she get's her she can come back with "Well you did, why can't I?"

Tell her she can have all the one night stands she wants after you're divorced. And mean it. Make her understand that you are a one-woman man and if she can't handle that then you'll cut her loose to go find whatever she is looking for. You shouldn't have to force someone to stay in a marriage and love you. She should want to do that on her own.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

sandc said:


> You should be concerned. To me it sounds for all the world like she's softening you up. Getting you laid first so that when she get's her she can come back with "Well you did, why can't I?"
> 
> Tell her she can have all the one night stands she wants after you're divorced. And mean it. Make her understand that you are a one-woman man and if she can't handle that then you'll cut her loose to go find whatever she is looking for. You shouldn't have to force someone to stay in a marriage and love you. She should want to do that on her own.


very well put ^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

ONS are seriously overrated. I've had more than my share and always prefer sex with someone I actually give a chit about and have a connection with.

I get that relationships can get all too routine at times. You have sex the same nights every week and even start having sex the exact same way at times. Sure it can get a little bit dull if you're not careful and really work at it.

I've been married a lot longer than OP but I would recommend a number of ideas before I would go down the path of introducing other people into your bedroom. Besides, neither my W or I would go for that because neither of us likes to share so it's a moot point for us.

We've tried a lot of things over the years. We went through a number of years where we watched porn together, we've experimented with some light bondage, we've had sex in other venues even. We've never done the role play thing as that idea didn't appeal to either one of us but some couples may like that.

Anyway, the point is that there are other avenues to pursue other than just having a "meaningless" encounter, if there's really such a thing, with another person outside the marriage.

Good luck to you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Nm10 said:


> I feel mad that the idea of sleeping with someone for a few hours just because they are hot excites her.


As you should. She is a cheater waiting to happen. This marriage is not going to end well for you with a woman like that.




> I feel like I should be the only one she is excited about.


Well, people will have their fantasies. But her problem is she wants to make it a reality.




> Should I be concerned that should some hot guy ever present her the opportunity that she will act on it?


Yes, you should be concerned, because she will act on it if the perfect opportunity arises. I'd bet the bank on that.





> Am I over reacting And this is natural to be curious about 1 night stands?


Curious about them may be one thing. Wanting to actually play it out is quite another.

Think about it, you KNOW she really wants to get in bed with another guy, she has said this and even got mad at you for not following through with a 3some.

If you have no kids, I'd consider an annulment if possible. If not, a divorce will do.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Nm10 said:


> I would really like a point of view from both men and women on this. But first let me explain our history and the situation.
> We got married when I was 20, my wife was 18. We have now been married almost 10 years and together 12. We have 3 kids, 7,6, and 1. We have had our ups and downs but for the most part have a very strong relationship, friend ship, and I think a decent sex life. My wife has always told me I should have a one night stand because I've really only been with her (except for the girl I lost my virginty to at 13) she has had more partners than I and always talked about how sex can just be sex, which I don't really understand.
> Over the past few days it has come up and become very clear that the idea of having 1 night stands excites my wife. She seems to wish that she could have got to experience that, but because we married so young she missed that part of her 20s. We spent last weekend in Vegas where she got mad at me for not trying to bring a girl home for a 3some. She told me I was being boring. Our friend had 2 one night stands while we were there and she thought it was awesome.
> I am not sure how to handle this. I feel mad that the idea of sleeping with someone for a few hours just because they are hot excites her. I feel like I should be the only one she is excited about. I still get butterflies before we have sex because it's exciting to me. Should I be concerned that should some hot guy ever present her the opportunity that she will act on it? Am I over reacting And this is natural to be curious about 1 night stands?


Nm10! Dude! Howzit goin', man? Good to see you here!

Okay, let's see. You lost your virginity at 13, to the only other woman you've been with besides your wife.

You started dating your wife when she was 16, and she's had more partners than you. 

I ask you, what kind of country would America be without ALABAMA?????

So. Having been with multiple partners (not all at once, that would be really awkward and kind of icky), I can assure you that your wife of 10 years is correct. Sometimes, sex can be just sex, a series of frenzied spasms that end in several seconds of feeling nice, before you go wash your hands off.

Sometimes, a steak can be just a piece of meat, too, like when you ordered it all medium-rare and warm and juicy and it comes out well done, hot, dry, and chewy.

And sometimes, a woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a SMOKE! Or so I've read, (Hemingway, if memory serves).

Anyway, I think it is awesome that you two have such open communication that your wife can share with you that she feels like she completely missed out on the fun parts of being in her 20's, those being the parts where she had other men put their penii (that's multiple for "penis") in her.

For your part, you don't seem to have any regrets at having missed out on putting your penis in other women, and good for you! It's a darn shame that your wife is entertaining these desires for other people, and if you allow it to happen, you're going to be looking for a new wife. 

If your wife thinks you are boring, surf the net, find some fantasies you'd like to explore with her (dress her up in lingerie) (Ooops, Alabama. Well, okay, dress her up as livestock). Smack that ass, and tell her to bark like...... baaah like a sheep. You can work on not being boring in bed. It's easy.

The way to handle it is to tell her that you love her so much that you don't want to share her with anybody else, male or female, but you happened to buy this ball gag and would she mind trying it on for a few minutes?

At this point, where your wife seems to be at, you should be very concerned that some hot guy may present her with an opportunity to misbehave. So you need to light a fire under your own @ss, which, given Alabama, shouldn't be too hard- just get a match.....

It is natural to wonder about One Night Stands if you have never had one. Its also natural to wonder what gay guys do to each other, but that doesn't necessarily mean that experiencing it yourself will feel good (almost definitely not, the first time).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I guess we're all just sort of waiting around for D-Day #2 at this point. Anyone got popcorn?


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Face it, your relationship is MOST likely over. SOOOOOO get in there and knock out as many 3somes as possible. Make her go get the girls, use her as much as possible, and push her boundaries. Then when she springs the OM or a MFM or other things which she is likely already planning by pushing the issue, just walk off into the sunset knowing you played the player.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Vanton68 said:


> Face it, your relationship is MOST likely over. SOOOOOO get in there and knock out as many 3somes as possible. Make her go get the girls, use her as much as possible, and push her boundaries. Then when she springs the OM or a MFM or other things which she is likely already planning by pushing the issue, just walk off into the sunset knowing you played the player.


Might as well if you are already done.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

there are all sorts of dangers involved with ONS.

How about you drive to the bunny ranch, and hire a stud for her. That way you can participate too, and it is all professional...no chance for encumberments.

Any other situation, like a friend you know....runs a huge risk of her liking it so much, she steps out of the marriage.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Vanton68 said:


> Face it, your relationship is MOST likely over. SOOOOOO get in there and knock out as many 3somes as possible. Make her go get the girls, use her as much as possible, and push her boundaries. Then when she springs the OM or a MFM or other things which she is likely already planning by pushing the issue, just walk off into the sunset knowing you played the player.


HaHa, I like your style. Use her to get as many 3somes as possible and then when she wants it to be a MFM, you object. That can be one of those issues that you can tell her you overlooked when agreeing to the FMF 3some.

You don't have to be fair when it comes to your preferences. Candidly, I'm not sure if this isn't past the point of no return. I get the wanting excitement in your sex life. Explore both of your fantasies because that can be exciting and harmless but some of them definitely need not be acted upon.

The examples have been thrown out there already but there are plenty of things that you wonder to yourself, "what would that be like", but refrain from doing them. Hey, I'm a Breaking Bad fan and have never tried Crystal Meth. Maybe I should do that too. No, some things need to stay in the fantasy realm.

To my knowledge, my W has never desired another guy while we've been married and if she secretly has, she's not stupid enough to say it out loud to me.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't think it is at all unusual for a wife to have fantasies of other men or of 3-somes. The warning sign here is that she was reportedly upset when OP didn't bring home a 3rd. So in her mind it had gone past the fantasy part and had become a real interest.

Hey we all want to be rock stars, and we fantasize as we sing in the shower or at the karaoke bar. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy as long as we know it is just that.

Also, if she had multiple partners by age 16 she did in fact sleep around some. Maybe she didn't do all the wild stuff she now wishes she had, but she did have sex with multiple men. Her curiosity is not justified if she is wanting to experience someone other than her husband.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

22 other people already beat me to the punch, buuuttt... she's probably already done something she's not proud of, or she's found somebody she wants to do something with.

Quick story - my ex wife once told me I was free to go get BJ's from other women, under the guise that she didn't give me them. She was serious. She didn't tell me in a fit of anger or frustration, she brought it up one day and gave me that hall pass (which I never used, of course.)

It was not until years later, after we split up and the information of other men started trickling out, that I figured out the timeline of that lovely little conversation coincided with an (unconfirmed, but suspected) affair or ONS. Poor naïve me. Hindsight is 20/20. Knowing what I know now (and thanks to TAM, and experience) if I heard that "offer" today, I'd be unbelievably suspicious.

Coincidence? Hell no.

Stand your ground, say NO, don't fall for that crap, and start snooping around asap. Something's up, or about to go down.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> Nm10! Dude! Howzit goin', man? Good to see you here!
> 
> Okay, let's see. You lost your virginity at 13, to the only other woman you've been with besides your wife.
> 
> ...



Is it really that hard to give an answer without personal attacks?




Vanton68 said:


> Face it, your relationship is MOST likely over. SOOOOOO get in there and knock out as many 3somes as possible. Make her go get the girls, use her as much as possible, and push her boundaries. Then when she springs the OM or a MFM or other things which she is likely already planning by pushing the issue, just walk off into the sunset knowing you played the player.


OP, most women are not gracious enough to share their man unless they are already sharing themselves or plan to. Keep that in mind and plan accordingly.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Everybody is putting your wife down. And while I agree that this is a risky proposition by her, she has expressed her thoughts or part of them openly with you. That is vastly better than a spouse who has the thoughts and then acts upon them by cheating. That is betrayal. Your wife has not betrayed you.

So, freaking out on her is not in order.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Perhaps not. And this is why my comment about too young. There is no proof that she has been unfaithful but it would not be a shocker either. However lets assume she is on the up and up here.

They may no longer be compatable sexually any longer. This is NOT a crime. Indeed maybe they can work it out. However if working it out means someone compromises their fundamental integrity then this is just wrong and hurtful. Either way. 

Somethings you can compromise on ... like a movie or even something major like where you live. There are tougher ones for sure. But sometimes a compromise breaks people. Either just flat does not satisfy them or destroys them. Perhaps they can spice things up by role play or who knows what while still being monogamous but this does not sound like that at all at the moment.

I am saying that if it cannot be worked out the loving thing to do is to let them go. Some may argue if you are going to let them go then you might as well swing. I say no. Doing that to yourself when this is not who you are is cruel and will effect you long term.

I am not saying jump to this at all just that people can be incompatible for various reasons.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Everybody is putting your wife down. And while I agree that this is a risky proposition by her, she has expressed her thoughts or part of them openly with you. That is vastly better than a spouse who has the thoughts and then acts upon by cheating. That is betrayal. Your wife has not betrayed you.
> 
> So, freaking out on her is not in order.


I must respectfully disagree.

She got piss3d at him because he didn't bring a third party in on the fun. He only has desires for his wife. Those are the stated facts. She is obviously wanting to bring in other people, because she has explicitly stated so.

"Your wife has not betrayed you." I have to add YET to the end of that statement.


I'm not putting her down. I am strictly basing my comment off of the information presented. I have no dog in this fight. I myself would not have let it escalate past the point of her getting piss3d about the third party. I would have put a stop to it and given her a choice. Shape up or ship out.

Unless she comes and presents her side , my comment and opinion stand.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

Nm10 said:


> My wife has always told me I should have a one night stand because I've really only been with her (except for the girl I lost my virginty to at 13) she has had more partners than I and always talked about how sex can just be sex, which I don't really understand.


So she has always felt this way.



> Over the past few days it has come up and become very clear that the idea of having 1 night stands excites my wife. She seems to wish that she could have got to experience that, but because we married so young she missed that part of her 20s. We spent last weekend in Vegas where she got mad at me for not trying to bring a girl home for a 3some. She told me I was being boring. Our friend had 2 one night stands while we were there and she thought it was awesome.


So that's why it came up so recently. In Vegas.


Yes, some of us get really excited about our man slaying another younger, hot girl. I don't want to see it live, but talking through the fantasy is great during sex.

My husband had reservations but eventually did it once he studied up on how to recover from affairs. Although it does excite me to fantasize about it, that isn't really why I let him do it. More a combination of wanting him to enjoy himself and me doing a little project in proving something to myself. Conditioning. 

If you don't want to do it, there just isn't any reason to. It isn't like she is going to leave you if you don't do extramarital sex is there?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

has she been reading sexy books, like 50 shades of gray, trashy romance novels? Maybe she just has strong fantasies, and they are ruling her mind--she thinks she needs to actually act them out.

You can try to figure out what type of sex (and it might be pretty kinky) she is into, and try to provide it yourself. Either thru sex toys or role playing. 

If it is simply that she needs another woman...well she may be bi or lesbian, or at least wonder if she is. The safest way to figure that out might be for her to go on a sex site that has cam to cam, and have her chat/cam with lesbians. See if that turns her on. IF IT DOES...then you have to decide if that is ok with you in real physical life. But there is a chance she may try it, virtually, and hate it and never ask again.

Just a thought.

I would pick a site for her that does NOT have many local people on it...try to find lesbians in the UK for her, for instance. That way it is harder for her to hook up "accidentally" :rofl:


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

The way I see it, you have a few options:

- Indulge your wife's requests for a FFM threesome or ONS. But be prepared for your own feelings of guilt, and be even more prepared for your W to either invite a dude into your marriage bed (MMF threesome), or use the FFM/ONS as leverage for her to do likewise without the guilt.

The "go out and have sex with someone else" is frequently employed by a guilty and/or sex withholding spouse as cover for an affair or an affair-to-be.

- Stand your ground, don't have sex outside your marriage, but be prepared for her to stray nevertheless and "scratch the itch" that she clearly has.

- Have an open and honest discussion with her about the reasons why she wants you to go have an ONS or go sleep with another woman. Be prepared for the consequences (she may come clean about her own infidelity or desire to stray, you may conclude that there is no longer a basis to stay married, etc.).

I have been married almost 30 years, but in my early 20's, I got a lot of stuff "out of my system". I had a few ONS's, had an FFM threesome (sort of, long story), did a lot of kinky stuff with a very wild college girlfriend. On one hand, I'm glad I had the experiences, but have to tell you that it was all waaayy overrated, and all of my best sexual experiences (and "mental movies") have involved my wife.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

NM10,
You've now had several people say "It sounds like she's trying to ease her guilt over what she is doing/wants to do by getting you laid too." I think it's time for you to start gathering some intel on your wife. Maybe it's fantasy maybe it's more. Either way, you need to know what you're dealing with. There are some evidence gathering threads here on TAM that can help you with this. 

It's only an overreaction if NOTHING is going on, but if something is going on, gathering the intel will hopefully let you know. You could try to talk to her but if she is actively in an affair it will tip her off to be more careful and much harder to find.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Trying to get you to bring a girl to bed is a set-up, for when its her turn and she wants to bring another guy to bed, with or preferably without you...this is just the first step

at least she is trying to share this with you rather than cheat...but this is a very slippery slope, bad outcomes outweigh the good...

if you say no and refuse to let her indulge her kink, she might cheat, probably will...if you DO let her indulge, she might meet someone else or expect to do this indefinitely while you do NOT want to do it

heres the test, walk into a bar with her and you approach as many women as you can and ask them to join your wife and you in bed; your wife will ask as many men as she can to join her and her husband in bed...at the end of the night she will have a line of 30-50 guys anxiously waiting, many way above her sex ranking, YOU on the other hand will have black eyes, broken nose, sore ballz, a few restraining orders, and maybe, just maybe, 1 or 2 nasty horrible drunk skanks...that is if you dont get arrested
THAT is the reality of being a man whos wife wants to swing, she will have an endless supply of opportunity, you will probably have to solicit hookers


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Speaking as a former swinger, missthelove is dead on.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sandc said:


> Speaking as a former swinger, missthelove is dead on.


So the environment is dominated by the women, and if a husband is part of the game that it will be up to the wife to invite other women in for him to have a good chance, unless his reputation is just THAT good...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You'll have the occasional woman swinger who wants to put as many notches on her bed as possible, she may even be attractive. But she is not all that common in the swinging community. In my very limited experience anyway.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Windwalker said:


> Is it really that hard to give an answer without personal attacks?


Theoretically, no, it's not. With a little effort or self control, I could reply in a stiff formal manner that no one would remember any part of 2 seconds after they finished reading it.

Nm10 deserves better than that. And, honestly, if you're reading it, YOU deserve something more entertaining, as well.

So if you will clarify which personal attack you found so obnoxious that you felt compelled to write the above, I will make some effort going forward to avoid that particular form of insult.

However, just to prove that I'm not being sarcastic here, I will add the following-

If you find me making fun of the great state of Alabama and the people who live there insulting, you're SOL. I will continue to randomly insult all things Alabaman in my posts when it seems appropriate.

If you found my comments regarding steak insulting, well, they are factual- a bad cook can absolutely ruin a good piece of meat, and I feel attacked when it happens, too.

The bit about a woman just being a woman was, I swear, just a quote. I can assure you that I rarely attack women who don't deserve it. 

Gosh, going back and reading that last sentence, it sure did come out wrong.

Everything else was advice, offered in an Alabama-friendly format.

Okay, except the part about gay guys. But even that was factually correct, and not intended as an attack on gay people.

Windwalker, I apologize for the tone of my post in this thread, and I am adding myself to your ignore list in a couple of seconds.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

BTW, involving third parties is one of the few things that my W and I have mutually agreed is "off the table" sexually in our relationship. The others are inflicting pain and/or humiliation, and anal PIV (which we have tried together, and I have tried with other partners in the past, and we both have decided we don't want to/have to do it). She doesn't like to swallow, but has done it in the past to please me.

Pretty much everything else is in play. We are thinking of trying a role play whereby I drop her off at a singles bar, and then come in about 30 minutes later, observe her interacting with other men, and then I swoop in and take her to a hotel for a good pounding.

Perhaps the OP's wife would be willing to do something like that instead of an actual threesome or ONS.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

In 30 minutes OP's wife might already be gone.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

She wants a ONS ?? Why not allow her to and suggest roleplay with her instead ??

She and you .... can go to a bar separately where you as a stranger pick her up and take her for a hot , passionate ONS  ?? Talk to her differently , kiss her differently , touch in in a rougher way if you often caress her , try different positions and so on !?!? With the right imagination and techniques it can be very real if one tries hard enough ............... yes I know from experience 

She may say " its not the same thing " but hellooooo she's married so it's the closest ONS she should be getting near ahem ahem !?!?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

keeper63 said:


> BTW, involving third parties is one of the few things that my W and I have mutually agreed is "off the table" sexually in our relationship. The others are inflicting pain and/or humiliation, and anal PIV (which we have tried together, and I have tried with other partners in the past, and we both have decided we don't want to/have to do it). She doesn't like to swallow, but has done it in the past to please me.
> 
> Pretty much everything else is in play. We are thinking of trying a role play whereby I drop her off at a singles bar, and then come in about 30 minutes later, observe her interacting with other men, and then I swoop in and take her to a hotel for a good pounding.
> 
> Perhaps the OP's wife would be willing to do something like that instead of an actual threesome or ONS.


That would be good for social proofing and boosting your Man points! Sounds like fun many of us others can try with our wifes and long term relation partners.

She can be on a GNO have guys swarmed around, in close quarters, and we but in, and make an obscene pickup line and take her right away to the hotel to be pounded out religiously.

Great!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

missthelove2013 said:


> heres the test, walk into a bar with her and you approach as many women as you can and ask them to join your wife and you in bed; your wife will ask as many men as she can to join her and her husband in bed...at the end of the night she will have a line of 30-50 guys anxiously waiting, many way above her sex ranking, YOU on the other hand will have black eyes, broken nose, sore ballz, a few restraining orders, and maybe, just maybe, 1 or 2 nasty horrible drunk skanks...that is if you dont get arrested
> THAT is the reality of being a man whos wife wants to swing, she will have an endless supply of opportunity, you will probably have to solicit hookers


Jeez, life is REALLY unfair!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> Jeez, life is REALLY unfair!


SOME guys DO have it like this. Thing about it, is they will not be able to procure 30-50 new females that they dont know. 

Women in the environment would know them and they might get a few they could bed that night. But 30-50 like a woman... Not really.

Well some pro atheletes and super high status figures can pull like this and are like the "girl" in the situation.

But even a new "Don Juan" in an environment isn't going to be able to do it as easily as a woman.

So yeah, if I got good in some certain scenes again, I could have a few I could hit that night. On the other hand you put my woman in the same environment, she doesn't have to know a single soul, she could screw 90% of the bar if she wanted to.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> Theoretically, no, it's not. With a little effort or self control, I could reply in a stiff formal manner that no one would remember any part of 2 seconds after they finished reading it.
> 
> Nm10 deserves better than that. And, honestly, if you're reading it, YOU deserve something more entertaining, as well.
> 
> ...


Personally, I was offended by your misattributing a Rudyard Kipling line to Hemingway:

THE BETROTHED

OPEN the old cigar-box, get me a Cuba stout,	
For things are running crossways, and Maggie and I are out.	

We quarrelled about Havanas—we fought o’er a good cheroot,	
And I know she is exacting, and she says I am a brute.	

Open the old cigar-box—let me consider a space;
In the soft blue veil of the vapour musing on Maggie’s face.	

Maggie is pretty to look at—Maggie’s a loving lass,	
But the prettiest cheeks must wrinkle, the truest of loves must pass.	

There’s peace in a Laranaga, there’s calm in a Henry Clay;	
But the best cigar in an hour is finished and thrown away—

Thrown away for another as perfect and ripe and brown—	
But I could not throw away Maggie for fear o’ the talk o’ the town!	

Maggie, my wife at fifty—grey and dour and old—	
With never another Maggie to purchase for love or gold!	

And the light of Days that have Been the dark of the Days that Are,
And Love’s torch stinking and stale, like the butt of a dead cigar—	

The butt of a dead cigar you are bound to keep in your pocket—	
With never a new one to light tho’ it’s charred and black to the socket!	

Open the old cigar-box—let me consider a while.	
Here is a mild Manilla—there is a wifely smile.

Which is the better portion—bondage bought with a ring,	
Or a harem of dusky beauties fifty tied in a string?	

Counsellors cunning and silent—comforters true and tried,	
And never a one of the fifty to sneer at a rival bride?	

Thought in the early morning, solace in time of woes,
Peace in the hush of the twilight, balm ere my eyelids close,	

This will the fifty give me, asking nought in return,	
With only a Suttee’s passion—to do their duty and burn.	

This will the fifty give me. When they are spent and dead,	
Five times other fifties shall be my servants instead.

The furrows of far-off Java, the isles of the Spanish Main,	
When they hear my harem is empty will send me my brides again.	

I will take no heed to their raiment, nor food for their mouths withal,	
So long as the gulls are nesting, so long as the showers fall.	

I will scent ’em with best vanilla, with tea will I temper their hides,
And the Moor and the Mormon shall envy who read of the tale of my brides.	

For Maggie has written a letter to give me my choice between	
The wee little whimpering Love and the great god Nick o’ Teen.	

And I have been servant of Love for barely a twelvemonth clear,	
But I have been Priest of Cabanas a matter of seven year;

And the gloom of my bachelor days is flecked with the cheery light	
Of stumps that I burned to Friendship and Pleasure and Work and Fight.	

And I turn my eyes to the future that Maggie and I must prove,	
But the only light on the marshes is the Will-o’-the-Wisp of Love.	

Will it see me safe through my journey or leave me bogged in the mire?
Since a puff of tobacco can cloud it, shall I follow the fitful fire?	

Open the old cigar-box—let me consider anew—	
Old friends, and who is Maggie that I should abandon you?	

A million surplus Maggies are willing to bear the yoke;	
And a woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke.

Light me another Cuba—I hold to my first-sworn vows.	
If Maggie will have no rival, I’ll have no Maggie for Spouse!


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

I think this entire situation isn't as complicated as it seems.

1. You have your morals, she is aware of them. Ultimately if you are unwilling to change that, that should be OK. Especially because this isn't some random thing, this is a big deal. So her expectation for you to be happy to go have sex with someone else is, I think, very unusual.

2. I agree with a few other people, on the fact that, it's very good she was open with you and told you her feelings. You should definitely be happy about that. The unfortunate thing, is now that these feelings have come to light some kind of resolution needs to be made. If no resolution is made, then her revealing these feelings has done nothing and they will continue to grow in force until something bad happens.

The biggest thing I have learned, is communication is everything. If you can find a way to discuss the issue openly without judgement and come to a resolution that ultimately works for the both of you then you will be strong. If you let things be ignored, shelved, delayed, it will just build up and get worse.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

James2020 said:


> now that these feelings have come to light .


He said she was always telling him he should have one night stands.

It isn't that they have just come to light. It is that someone who has been saying the same thing for a long time is getting more adamant and frustrated about it. 

I agree with you *James* that it needs resolution, but it is much further along than just finding out about it. I also agree that there was a communication problem long ago - namely when she brought it up the first time, or the second time, or any other time.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Happyfamily said:


> He said she was always telling him he should have one night stands.
> 
> It isn't that they have just come to light. It is that someone who has been saying the same thing for a long time is getting more adamant and frustrated about it.
> 
> I agree with you *James* that it needs resolution, but it is much further along than just finding out about it. I also agree that there was a communication problem long ago - namely when she brought it up the first time, or the second time, or any other time.


Why was she promoting him to have one night stands? What does she get out of it?


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Why was she promoting him to have one night stands? What does she get out of it?


Good question. I think there is more than one possible answer.

Some point to the possibility of wanting treesomes herself, swinging, or even an affair she has in mind. 

In my case I really did want him to enjoy himself and for me to prove to myself I could handle it. But regardless, whatever her reasons were should have been stated from the beginning of the relationship. 

If her reasoning was "you only had me, plus one other girl..." that isn't actually a reason. What she said in Vegas is closer to the truth: that she thought a threesome would be exciting herself.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Happy, bless you but I think you're really in the minority of women. My wife and I love to fantasize about threesomes with another man. The homophobic side of me demands I tell you that the fantasies only involve the other man and I pleasuring my wife. We both enjoy these fantasies. However, she absolutely cannot bring herself to fantasize about myself and another woman in any way shape or form. Her jealousy turns her off.

I still think the threesome was indeed for him so that she can justify whatever it is she really wants.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

sandc said:


> Happy, bless you but I think you're really in the minority of women. My wife and I love to fantasize about threesomes with another man. The homophobic side of me demands I tell you that the fantasies only involve the other man and I pleasuring my wife. We both enjoy these fantasies. However, she absolutely cannot bring herself to fantasize about myself and another woman in any way shape or form. Her jealousy turns her off.


Oh, hey thanks - I meant to comment specifically on the things you said and I am very interested to hear this.

I sure get that the fantasy role-playing or visions! We can control the fantasy, tailoring to our exact ideas and blocking out everything we don't want. So fantasy trumps reality with all of the ugly details reality puts in your face.

My husband told me he does like to occasionally think about two men on me - not him with another guy - but there isn't a chance either one of us would actually want that. 

And despite me liking him to talk me through a fantasy in bed, I would be mostly disgusted to actually watch it. Not jealous. Just think about watching your parents go at it or your aunt and uncle. *ick*

My first thought reading your experience was that it was just a phase you went through. We have no intentions of an open lifestyle. It was something we did once. It is over and done with. Sounds like you guys tried it out, but then went back to monogamy. So it doesn't define who you are or what your marriage is about in a permanent way. If he was gone on a trip at some time in the future, and we discussed it beforehand, it isn't going to freak me out, but it isn't something we are planning. 



> I still think the threesome was indeed for him so that she can justify whatever it is she really wants.



I think we are in agreement that she wasn't exactly forthright, yeah.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

jaharthur said:


> Personally, I was offended by your misattributing a Rudyard Kipling line to Hemingway:
> 
> THE BETROTHED
> 
> ...


Aw, sh1t......

:slap:

I shall now slink away from this thread, completely chastised and embarrassed.

Crow.

It's what's for dinner.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Happyfamily said:


> Oh, hey thanks - I meant to comment specifically on the things you said and I am very interested to hear this.
> 
> I sure get that the fantasy role-playing or visions! We can control the fantasy, tailoring to our exact ideas and blocking out everything we don't want. So fantasy trumps reality with all of the ugly details reality puts in your face.
> 
> ...


My wife would definitely freak. She'd forgive me for sure but it's sure not something she would want me to do. And to be honest she is the center of my sexual universe. Her pleasure is as pleasurable to me or even more so than my own. I thank that is at the root of my fantasies. Seeing her pleasured in ways I simply can't do by myself. But you're absolutely right, in a fantasy, no one has bad breath, everyone has good hygiene, no one farts, etc. 

Yes, it was something we were curious about at one time, tried a full swap with a couple and found out that it wasn't all that. Not for us anyway. Pretty as this gal was, she couldn't do for me what my wife does. She knows where all my buttons are and how to operate them correctly. Yeah, we were cut out for monogamy and we're happy with that.

Sorry for the threadjack, OP.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> Aw, sh1t......
> 
> :slap:
> 
> ...


Yeah... are you from Alabama or something? :lol:


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

sandc said:


> Yeah... are you from Alabama or something? :lol:


“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

― Oscar Wilde


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

It would help if you provide more insight into what's behind this. You seem to say that she wants you to have ONS because you missed out on this kind of thing. You also say that she has more experience with other people. Does she also feel that she also missed out despite this experience? Does she feel she didn't have enough sex with other lovers? Or does she remember it being exciting for her and wants you to experience it too?

There are many women out there who have these thoughts and their husbands blissfully have no idea what thoughts are going through the heads of their 'perfect' wives. Obviously men do also.

I agree with others that the positive in this is that she is open with you about it.

No lecturing about how much better sex is with a spouse than as a ONS will convince someone with these yearnings. This is a tough position to find yourself in. Although I think it's positive that she's open about it, her openness hints that these feelings are very strong and not being suppressed. I think the women with these feelings have a lot of fantasies but suppress any urge to act. i think she's ready to go.

The best you can do without losing control of the situation completely is to stop 'being boring' and being open to new things. These things don't have to involve other people. The bigger issue is that she's bored and rediscovering sex between the two of you might help. You are satisfied with your sex life and get butterflies of excitement when you have sex but she does not and that's clear. She yearns for the excitement of a new lover - what will he do to me? what's he packing in his pants? and there is a sense of danger and a feeling of naughtiness (a 'nice girl' isn't supposed to have sex with a guy she just met). How can you replicate some of this in your relationship without bringing in other people? do it outside? watch porn? web cam with other couples or singles? You can also explore these fantasies. Have her tell you exactly what she wants to do with a stranger from the initial meeting through the sex. Have her do it to you while she tells her story. ("I would do this to him.." and then do it to you). Don't hold her back. Make it safe for her to tell you anything. I'll bet she'll get some butterflies and feel a bit naughty telling her husband exactly what she wants some stranger to do to her. Do you have any non-scary, non-threatening clothing optional beaches near you? Maybe that would scratch her naughty itch?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

couple said:


> The best you can do without losing control of the situation completely is to stop 'being boring' and being open to new things. These things don't have to involve other people. The bigger issue is that she's bored and rediscovering sex between the two of you might help. You are satisfied with your sex life and get butterflies of excitement when you have sex but she does not and that's clear. She yearns for the excitement of a new lover - what will he do to me? what's he packing in his pants? and there is a sense of danger and a feeling of naughtiness (a 'nice girl' isn't supposed to have sex with a guy she just met). How can you replicate some of this in your relationship without bringing in other people? do it outside? watch porn? web cam with other couples or singles? You can also explore these fantasies. Have her tell you exactly what she wants to do with a stranger from the initial meeting through the sex. Have her do it to you while she tells her story. ("I would do this to him.." and then do it to you). Don't hold her back. Make it safe for her to tell you anything. I'll bet she'll get some butterflies and feel a bit naughty telling her husband exactly what she wants some stranger to do to her. Do you have any non-scary, non-threatening clothing optional beaches near you? Maybe that would scratch her naughty itch?


I don't know... "Boring" is relative. I just get the feeling that this is an unbalanced relationship.

There's not a lot of backstory to go on, but let's just say that OP is a good husband, a good father, and although he plays it safe, isn't a total pill, either. In other words, he's fairly normal.

She, on the other hand, requires high levels of excitement, both in day-to-day life and in the bedroom.

Thus, they are opposites in this regard. Which is common, I think, but also not great for the long term prospects of a relationship, particularly when the differing viewpoints revolve around sex.

It appears as though he has a more romanticized view on sex - it's more love-making, less getting laid. She views sex as getting laid, and therefore doesn't view it as something shared between her and her partner exclusively. That is a huge divide in attitudes, and likely not one that can be resolved.

In my marriage, my wife and I also see sex from differing perspectives. I am more interested in the emotional and intimate aspects of it, whereas she has always viewed it as "just sex". This stems from our vastly different past experiences. However, she does see it as exclusive between us, so that's enough to make it work.

I admit, I had a difficult time at first when I figured out her attitudes towards sex were different than mine. Our differences are common enough, I think (however it's usually, in my experience, the man who views it more as "just sex" and the woman who requires the emotional/intimate side).

However, we have both mutually agreed to try and meet more in the middle. I see where she's coming from, she sees where I'm coming from. We don't belittle our respective attitudes on the subject. One thing I've suggested she do is to use more intimate terms when talking about it. For example, when talking about sex involving us, try not to use terms like "getting laid/lucky" or "get some", etc. I may be hyper-sensitive, but to me, I don't view it as "getting lucky" when I have sex with my wife. That term applies better to picking somebody up at a bar, imo. Conversely, she has asked that not every sexual encounter between us needs to be an hour. Sometimes she just wants a quickie, even if we have the time. Her past experiences taught her that most men just want sex, therefore she never really experienced the intimate side of things. My past experiences taught me that women prefer intimacy and cuddling and all that. Our experiences together have taught us that not all men are like that, and not all women are like that.

The underlying issue with our differences is that I don't have to do anything different to ensure she's satisfied. As sex is just sex to her, I only have one goal I have to reach. Whereas for me, it is not always 100% satisfying, apart from the physical aspect. If she's only interested in getting some, then I'm missing out on the intimacy factor. There have been times where I've felt like I could have been just about anyone. I don't, of course, but you know what I mean.

OP's case is tough, though. I think the divide in terms of how he and his wife view sex are possibly too great to bridge. If he views sex similarly to how I do, then he doesn't want to share his partner with anybody - because he views sex as an emotional/intimate thing between he and the person he loves. She views it as a means to an end, to be crude, and not much more than a good time.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

alexm said:


> However, we have both mutually agreed to try and meet more in the middle. I see where she's coming from, she sees where I'm coming from. We don't belittle our respective attitudes on the subject.


You made two very good points. One, you don't have to jump from "lights off/missionary" to swinging. If couples communicate openly and honestly they can negotiate middle ground.

The second point is not belittling your partner for what they like. It seems that on both points this couple is off track. 


Oh *sandc* *hugs*. YES! For both of us, pleasing our spouse is more important than having our own orgasm. It has been rare, but sometimes my husband does not climax, like when his back was really hurt and he was on pain medication. That really hurt my self-esteem.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Happyfamily said:


> You made two very good points. One, you don't have to jump from "lights off/missionary" to swinging. If couples communicate openly and honestly they can negotiate middle ground.
> 
> The second point is not belittling your partner for what they like. It seems that on both points this couple is off track.
> 
> ...


Sometimes I'll make my wife climax using anything but my d!ck. Hands, fingers, mouth, dildo, whatever. Sometimes it's just for her and I don't have to be distracted. It's rare that she'll let me get away with this and not want to experience my climax too but it does happen. But sometimes (very rarely) I am just not in the mood but I don't want her to have to go without. Could have been the same deal for your husband. I don't think it was a reflection on you or your performance. Same with my wife. It's not because she wasn't sexy enough, I was just genuinely not in the mood on those occasions. 

This is a VERY rare occurrence.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Nm10 said:


> I would really like a point of view from both men and women on this. But first let me explain our history and the situation.
> We got married when I was 20, my wife was 18. We have now been married almost 10 years and together 12. We have 3 kids, 7,6, and 1. We have had our ups and downs but for the most part have a very strong relationship, friend ship, and I think a decent sex life. My wife has always told me I should have a one night stand because I've really only been with her (except for the girl I lost my virginty to at 13) she has had more partners than I and always talked about how sex can just be sex, which I don't really understand.
> Over the past few days it has come up and become very clear that the idea of having 1 night stands excites my wife. She seems to wish that she could have got to experience that, but because we married so young she missed that part of her 20s. We spent last weekend in Vegas where she got mad at me for not trying to bring a girl home for a 3some. She told me I was being boring. Our friend had 2 one night stands while we were there and she thought it was awesome.
> I am not sure how to handle this. I feel mad that the idea of sleeping with someone for a few hours just because they are hot excites her. I feel like I should be the only one she is excited about. I still get butterflies before we have sex because it's exciting to me. Should I be concerned that should some hot guy ever present her the opportunity that she will act on it? Am I over reacting And this is natural to be curious about 1 night stands?


Reading between the lines here, I'd say that she already had a one-night stand, probably recently, and she wants you to have one to alleviate her guilty conscious. Tread carefully and look for the signs. Additionally, if you're not comfortable with a threesome, don't do it, and explain that to your wife and firmly as you can.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> Reading between the lines here, I'd say that she already had a one-night stand, probably recently, and she wants you to have one to alleviate her guilty conscious. Tread carefully and look for the signs. Additionally, if you're not comfortable with a threesome, don't do it, and explain that to your wife and firmly as you can.


My common sense meter says that she probably is already doing it... I would say out of 100 times that you are asked this type of question 80 times they are already doing it, and the other percentage of times they are seeing if you would do it. 

She could see if you would do it to hit you over the head with it, or see if you would do it so she can validate doing it too.


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## CaveDoorman (May 16, 2014)

You and your wife shold read "The Erotic Mind" together. Talk and figure out what is behind her desire and what drives you and then chart your own path.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> Reading between the lines here, I'd say that she already had a one-night stand, probably recently, and she wants you to have one to alleviate her guilty conscious. Tread carefully and look for the signs. Additionally, if you're not comfortable with a threesome, don't do it, and explain that to your wife and firmly as you can.


I hope not.

OP needs to do some digging.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Has the OP ever returned after his first post?

Anyway, as Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

There may be no secret agenda or hidden "phallusies".


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Has the OP ever returned after his first post?
> 
> Anyway, as Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
> 
> There may be no secret agenda or hidden "phallusies".


"phalluses"?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OP posted once and never came back. 

Shut this motor off.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Might be fun to finish this thread for OP. At least until the mods shut it down.

"So I finally did it. I went out and had a ONS to make my wife happy. When I got home, the entire 6th fleet was standing in line outside my front door! WTF?"


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she already hooked up with someone and is feeling guilty. so she wants you to also.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> she already hooked up with someone and is feeling guilty. so she wants you to also.


She might just be a swinger and trying to walk him over to the side of being a swinger hisself.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

treyvion said:


> She might just be a swinger and trying to walk him over to the side of being a swinger hisself.


she might be the easter bunny disguised as santa clause.

But never the less he has indicated he wants nothing to do with it and shes acting pi$$ed.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> she might be the easter bunny disguised as santa clause.
> 
> But never the less he has indicated he wants nothing to do with it and shes acting pi$$ed.


Oh, I'm sure she's not "acting". She is likely pissed because how many guys would jump at the chance to be able to openly "cheat" on her.

It doesn't make any sense in her style of lifestyle, and our TAM member needs to respect that perhaps this is the lifestyle she chose. That trying to convert her to his viewpoint will be painful and likely a complete waste of his time.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Nm10 said:


> I would really like a point of view from both men and women on this. But first let me explain our history and the situation.
> We got married when I was 20, my wife was 18. We have now been married almost 10 years and together 12. We have 3 kids, 7,6, and 1. We have had our ups and downs but for the most part have a very strong relationship, friend ship, and I think a decent sex life. My wife has always told me I should have a one night stand because I've really only been with her (except for the girl I lost my virginty to at 13) she has had more partners than I and always talked about how sex can just be sex, which I don't really understand.
> Over the past few days it has come up and become very clear that the idea of having 1 night stands excites my wife. She seems to wish that she could have got to experience that, but because we married so young she missed that part of her 20s. We spent last weekend in Vegas where she got mad at me for not trying to bring a girl home for a 3some. She told me I was being boring. Our friend had 2 one night stands while we were there and she thought it was awesome.
> I am not sure how to handle this. I feel mad that the idea of sleeping with someone for a few hours just because they are hot excites her. I feel like I should be the only one she is excited about. I still get butterflies before we have sex because it's exciting to me. Should I be concerned that should some hot guy ever present her the opportunity that she will act on it? Am I over reacting And this is natural to be curious about 1 night stands?



First You should be very happy that your wife trusts you enough to tell about her sexual fantasies. Most people don't have the kind of trust in their partner to tell them what they really desire. Second most people want to have sex with other people than their spouse. If you don't them you are definitely in the minority. Our eyes still work after we get married so does our sexual appetite. 

Just because she fantasy is of one night stands or 3somes does not mean she does not desire you or she will cheat on you or that she does not still get butterflies from sex with you. And it absolutely does not mean that she does not love you or respect relationship. It only means that she thinks about sex , likes sex , wants sex , and trusts you enough to know that sharing her Sexual fantasies and desires with you will not jeopardize her relationship with you. 

Talk to your wife. Talk about her specific desires and what turns her on about them and if she really wants to act them out and what she expects them to be like in reality. Talk to get about how she feels about you andy relationship and your sex life. Talk to her about how you feel about her and your desires and your fantasies. Talk to her about everything. I am positive that if you do it will make your relationship a thousand times better than you ever thought possible
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

stoney1215 said:


> Just because she fantasy is of one night stands or 3somes does not mean she does not desire you or she will cheat on you or that she does not still get butterflies from sex with you. And it absolutely does not mean that she does not love you or respect relationship. It only means that she thinks about sex , likes sex , wants sex , and trusts you enough to know that sharing her Sexual fantasies and desires with you will not jeopardize her relationship with you.


No, it means she wants to F other men and is hoping her H will go for it. And if he declines or gets angry, then she can pull out the "it was only a fantasy" card.

If a woman of mine told me she fantasizes about a ONS or a 3some, I hope the door hits her in the ass on the way out.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

You have no idea of the destruction this will bring to your marriage. DON'T DO IT. Bad idea!! Like, of all the things you could do sexually, this is the one you should NOT do. I mean, that's the whole point of marriage, is to only be committed to THAT person. You're totally right to feel the way you do.

I honestly despise the thought of people bringing someone else into their marriage, but even if I were to make a long shot and try to understand it, that is not all your wife wants. There is no way she would get angry for you NOT doing it if ALL she wanted was to spice up your sex life. She is banking too much on it. There's something else there. 

Seriously OP, there are other ways to spice up the sex life. This is the one thing you DON'T do.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

vellocet said:


> No, it means she wants to F other men and is hoping her H will go for it. And if he declines or gets angry, then she can pull out the "it was only a fantasy" card.
> 
> If a woman of mine told me she fantasizes about a ONS or a 3some, I hope the door hits her in the ass on the way out.



That of course is your prerogative. Many people are in relationships where they can not be honest with their partner about their sexual fantasies and desires. That is the biggest reason that sex is a main cause of divorce. 

Why would you immediately end a relationship because of your partners fantasy ? Don't you have fantasies of your own ? What if her fantasy was threesome with you and another woman ? Or sex while people watch ? Is your girl allowed to tell you any of her sexual fantasies ? Do you think it is ok to tell her any of yours ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

stoney1215 said:


> That of course is your prerogative. Many people are in relationships where they can not be honest with their partner about their sexual fantasies and desires. That is the biggest reason that sex is a main cause of divorce.
> 
> Why would you immediately end a relationship because of your partners fantasy ? Don't you have fantasies of your own ? What if her fantasy was threesome with you and another woman ? Or sex while people watch ? Is your girl allowed to tell you any of her sexual fantasies ? Do you think it is ok to tell her any of yours ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP wasn't talking fantasy, he was talking actualities.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

OP is gone. Status shows as banned and hasn't been on since first page.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I don't see a banned status, but he hasn't been back.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

stoney1215 said:


> Why would you immediately end a relationship because of your partners fantasy ?


If the fantasy involves men other than me, why wouldn't I? A fantasy is something someone would play out if their spouse where willing to allow.




> Don't you have fantasies of your own ? What if her fantasy was threesome with you and another woman ?


Same thing. I don't do 3somes, don't want anyone that wants one.



> Is your girl allowed to tell you any of her sexual fantasies ?


Sure, if it involves me and her ONLY. Not involving other people.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> The OP wasn't talking fantasy, he was talking actualities.


^^ Yes, also what jaharthur said


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