# Got Served With Papers Yesterday



## JetsFan98 (Jan 4, 2013)

Hey everyone. First I want to thank everyone here as I've been reading over the past few days and the advice here has really helped. Here's my quick story and any advice would be great.

My wife and I have been living separately for almost 4 years. I asked her to leave because I found she was involved in illegal activity and she moved into her parents house. She tried to take our daughter (8 months at the time...5 now) but I would not let her. She ended up being violent towards me and my daughter at that time.

For the past 4 years we've been going back and fourth. So days/weeks are good and we talk and work together and support each other. Other days/weeks are horrible and we seem like worst enemies.

Over the years we both changed a lot. I wasn't perfect when we first had our baby. I didn't know how to be a parent, change diapers, feed, etc. but I thought part of the enjoyment of being a parent was learning together with your spouse. She expected me to be perfect from day one. She also changed, or so I thought, and started to be a lot nicer to me here and there.

I was always focused on saving the marriage for three reasons. First, I do have feelings for her. She is the mother of my child and my wife so I do have feelings for her regardless of what was done and said. Second, I feel it's the best for the kids. Third, I have a step son that has been in my life for almost 7 years and I feel I'll lose him.

Over the summer I kind of had my "this is it" moment where it was either going to save the marriage or not. We went on a "family" vacation for 10 days with the kids and her parents. The vacation was about a good as I expected it could be. We got along great and talked about moving back in together when we got home. We found a place to live and planned on moving on Oct. 1.

Before we could move in together she started a fight about something (I forget what) and she called it off. 

Fast forward to now, I find out that she has had a boyfriend for about a month. She had our child at his house on New Years Eve until 2:30 AM. My daughter (5) said that they slept there but my wife denies it.

Now that I found out about all this, she serves me with divorce papers (yesterday).

I have an attorney who is rated the best in my area. He's expensive but if I'm going to spend money it's going to be on making sure I get my child! She hired a personal injury attorney and lied on all the papers. I can prove all of her lies through text messages, receipts, bank statements, etc.

The problem is, for some strange/stupid/ridiculous reason, I still want to be with my wife. I understand that no human being on earth should want to be with a woman like this, but I do. And I know that it's because of my step son. 

I'm looking for more "coping" advice than "getting her back" advise. I know that I'll be much happier with someone else eventually who actually treats me like a person should be treated.


THANK YOU ALL. This forum has already helped me more than anything else over the past few days!!!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Ask her if you can still have contact with him, as you'd hate to see that relationship end simply because the two of yours did.


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## JetsFan98 (Jan 4, 2013)

IndyTM said:


> Ask her if you can still have contact with him, as you'd hate to see that relationship end simply because the two of yours did.


I did that and she said that we could maintain a relationship. The problem is that I always get the old "Do this or you'll never see him again" deal.

I've been dealing with that for 4 years. He's nothing more than a bargaining chip for her against me and I feel that after the divorce that will only get worse.

I do have somewhat of a good relationship with his father so I might think about talking to him. We get along well and he was always very supportive of our (me and my step son) relationship and grateful for the things I did for him.


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## JetsFan98 (Jan 4, 2013)

Anyone else?


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

It is unethical of her to use your step-son as leverage in a divorce. That said, it's almost guaranteed that she will do it and (what's worse) her attorney will help her.

I'm sorry, but divorce is a negotiation where compassion, fairness, ethical concerns, best interest of the child, etc., all seem to take a backseat to anger and desire for revenge. Not in every case, but in all too many, sadly.

There are a few strategies:

(1) You could pretend it doesn't matter to you that much (maybe too late though). This is a psychological tactic that I've seen advocated in divorce books, but I'm unconvinced it really works.

(2) You could go to trial (or threaten to go) with the intent that a judge will see that your motives are honorable (wanting to preserve a relationship with your step son) and hers are despicable (trying to leverage assets via that relationship). How well this works will depend on the judge; most judges feel an obligation to the children first and foremost because often in highly-contested divorces no one else is looking out for them.

If your wife has any sense of rationality and/or compassion, try to appeal to that. Always take the high road as much as you can... it pays off in the divorce AND down the line when you look in the mirror.

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Disclaimer: I'm still new to this and my knowledge is just "book" knowledge.


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## JetsFan98 (Jan 4, 2013)

timeforpain said:


> It is unethical of her to use your step-son as leverage in a divorce. That said, it's almost guaranteed that she will do it and (what's worse) her attorney will help her.
> 
> I'm sorry, but divorce is a negotiation where compassion, fairness, ethical concerns, best interest of the child, etc., all seem to take a backseat to anger and desire for revenge. Not in every case, but in all too many, sadly.


I totally agree and it's really hard to focus on whats important (kids) when there's so much anger towards each other. That's why I plan to let my attorney do most or all of the talking 



timeforpain said:


> There are a few strategies:
> 
> (1) You could pretend it doesn't matter to you that much (maybe too late though). This is a psychological tactic that I've seen advocated in divorce books, but I'm unconvinced it really works.


That would probably be impossible at this point since I tell her how much I miss him almost every day. I think it might make me look like a liar if I play this card and she whips out text messages of me telling her that I miss him and want to see him or talk to him.

I do see how this could work in a lot of cases though.



timeforpain said:


> (2) You could go to trial (or threaten to go) with the intent that a judge will see that your motives are honorable (wanting to preserve a relationship with your step son) and hers are despicable (trying to leverage assets via that relationship). How well this works will depend on the judge; most judges feel an obligation to the children first and foremost because often in highly-contested divorces no one else is looking out for them.
> 
> If your wife has any sense of rationality and/or compassion, try to appeal to that. Always take the high road as much as you can... it pays off in the divorce AND down the line when you look in the mirror.


I think this is my best bet. Not bragging but I know I can win the "money game" and just keep going to court as long as I need to in order to get what I believe is fair. My attorney said that we could appeal any decision to the appeals court and he also said that him and his team have a lot of experience in the appeals court and won a large majority of their appeals. So I have to I'll just keep going to court.

----


timeforpain said:


> Disclaimer: I'm still new to this and my knowledge is just "book" knowledge.


Well as of right now all I have is common sense on this topic. And as you probably know common sense lacks quite a bit in disagreements like this 

Thanks for your help!


BTW - what books have you read or recommend?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Since you have been served.. fight her in court. I bet she thinks you are going to back down. She might change her mind once you fight. Mine did.

6 months later and we are going to court to tell the judge we are working it out.

Sometimes you have to show tough love. I bet she isn't ready for a fight but since she brought it one.. give her both barrels.. then she will see how much you care about your child and will do whatever it takes. I really think she expects you to cave. Don't cave.. stand strong and pretend it is over and treat it like it's over. She might come around when she sees your serious.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JetsFan, it is a big red flag that your W was involved in "illegal activity" and was "violent" toward you and your daughter. Just how bad was that activity and the violence? I ask because an important issue is whether your W suffers from strong traits of a personality disorder (PD). If so, her behavior likely will get worse and there is very little chance she will seek help to get better. Moreover, it also would mean that the divorce is going to get real ugly really quick (as mine was with my exW).

I nonetheless realize that you may be reluctant to share any details about her illegal activities (which I assume was drug use) and may feel uncomfortable describing the violence. I therefore ask whether your W has strongly exhibited most of the following behaviors throughout your marriage:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about the next day;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) -- for the first six months -- that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
If most of those traits sound very familiar, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the two kids are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read about BPD traits so you will know how to spot the red flags.

Although you will not be able to make a diagnosis (only professionals can do that), spotting the warning signs is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and physical abuse. An easy place to start reading is my brief overview of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, JetsFan.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

You can still have a lot of love for her and let the divorce unfold.

That is okay.

She sounds like she has enough attractive qualities to temp you to put up with the awful ones.

Tell yourself to be optimistic about a better future without her.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No matter how much your angry at your wife, taking the child away is just plain wrong! What your going to do is absolutely selfish. She's been with her mother for 5 years, you can't rip a 5 year old away from their mother and expect everything to be perfect. You will destroy your daughter emotionally. 

Unless your wife is abusing your daughter, which I don't see the case, you will destroy your daughters life for your own satisfaction if you did this. At best go 50/50. Also, I doubt the judge would allow it anyways. 

You've been apart for 5 years. You should of divorced 4-5 years ago. Your STBXW has every right to be in a new relationship. You must let go.


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

> BTW - what books have you read or recommend?


I've read a lot, but perhaps my favorite is Sam Marguiles's book: Amazon.com: Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce: How to Divorce with Grace, a Little Class, and a Lot of Common Sense (9781579547998): Sam Margulies: Books

He's a great writer and a respected divorce mediator. A lot of great advice in there.


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