# Should I stop or continue with this?



## BelovedGirl (Oct 16, 2015)

I really would appreciate an unbiased opinion from some people on whether I should stop of keep going in my semi-relationship.

We'e both been aquaintances for a few months and I never found him attractive, although he'd made it clear he was interested in me. He was kind of there for me and supportive over a nasty breakup and he'd been through one of his own. I think we're both good people, but both a little disilusioned with dating and we decided we'd have a no strings hookup. 

For me that was a one night stand, but during it he made it very clear he wanted to keep on seeing each other. My main concern at that point was that he would get hurt -I knew he liked me and felt he wouldn't be able to cope with no strings.

Then the obvious happenned, and I spent time with him and talked on a deeper level and started to see him in a new light and started to find him very attractive and see a future.

So here I am a few weeks later and we now have some sort of hookup arrangement. We live around an hour and a half apart so we see each other once a week, stay over together and then see each other a week later for the same. In between we kind of check in and send a few sweet messages here and there.

I love the time we spend together, actually I get kind of excited like crazy when I know he's coming and it's great but also for the first time in my life I am sleeping with a guy I am not in a relationship and for whatever reason it's making me feel crazy.

The current status is that I'm not his girlfriend, although he's outlined that isn't off the table for the future, so I guess what he wants to do is continue sleeping together / having this passionate affair and see what happens. Which I guess is perfectly reasonable given how we started and what we both said we wanted out of it.

What I want though is for him to want to spend a bit more time with me (the once a week thing feels a bit like a booty call?) even if it means lunches now and again or stuff without sex involved. I'd like if we called each other on the phone instead of just texting and I'd like it if we could go as each other's date to stuff or make plans for the holidays.

The absence of all that stuff makes me feel like a hookup for sure (which I hate) but I am not sure if 7 weeks is way too early to be expecting as much as I am? Please tell me if it is.

I have, to some degree, let him know I am unhappy with the situation. I actually ended it for a week last week and told him I wanted more and casual hookup and he basically came back to me saying he missed me, me walking away made him realise how much I meant to him and he didn't want to stop seeing each other.

Somehow I took all this to mean he wanted to be my boyfriend or take things up a level, but I was wrong and he was really just saying he wanted the casual thing back so somehow I am right back where I started. 

Reading this back, I guess I sound like some girl who's being used for sex and is too dumb to realise it and if you think that's the case please tell me. What I will say though on the positive front is that a lot of the time it feels nothing like that. He does stuff that I don't think a booty call kind of guy does.

For one thing, he does send me messages all the time, checks in and asks what I am doing. He also asks, kind of tentatively stuff about whether I am seeing anyone else or if I want to because I know he is a little jealous. When we see each other, we kind of run into each other and hug and kiss all over like crazy and it feels a lot like two people falling in love. He always stays all night with me and sometimes also the whole next day and we cook together and makeout and talk about our lives and act basically like we are in a relationship.

But he also says and does things that are hurtful or make me feel rejected and like I am just sex to him so it's quite hard to figure out whether I need to give it time, like a few months, or if I am crazy for exposing myself to this with someone who isn't certain they want to have a relationship with me?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

It's possible he may have deeper feelings for you but if so, he is clearly not acting on them and why should he if he can keep the status quo going. You've made your desires clear don't back down and settle for less than you want or fool yourself into thinking you will be ok with things as they are. It devalues you and don't think he won't realize that. Tell him you think he's a great guy and you've had a great time with him but that your not on the same page and that doesn't feel good to you and it's not good for you. If there really is something there then he will be back. If not you've lost nothing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No offense, but he's a creeper.

Move on.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

No, 7 weeks is not too short a time for someone to get serious if he is going to do so.
Do you want to get married, not necessarily to him, but to anyone, in the relatively near future?
If not, what do you mean by "girlfriend?"
If you do, you need to move on. There is very little future for you with this guy.
Your hormonal system is messing with your brain, which is why you are crazy when you are with him, but that doesn't mean much in the long run.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Show him this post. Show him what you wrote. It's what you mean....and what you want.... so show him.

BUT....an hour and a half away is awkward for casual dating. Sooooooooooooooooooooo...... instead of BEING a booty call, tell him that you want to actually DATE. He know what that means, but tell him anyway....that it means going out to dinner, and really getting to know each other and seeing if this is something that is sustainable. Ya know? 

If he says no thanks...then you have your answer. SOME people just want whats easiest. Some are willing to spend some time and fall in love.... figure out which he is. Let him SHOW you which he is. Actions are what you want to watch for!


*Thought about this.... ya know, you can tell him "We know the sex is great.... now let's see if we want to take it any further than that". That is a fair statement. And you can say that you would like a relationship that is not JUST sex.... but a real relationship on all levels. Which really means spending TIME together. It's TIME that will tell.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

BelovedGirl said:


> My main concern at that point was that he would get hurt


I fear he is not the one who will be experiencing pain in this.


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## BelovedGirl (Oct 16, 2015)

I sat down and stripped back really the things that have been bothering me the last few weeks in this situation / the things that have upset me or made me feel bad and there has been lot. I think I've been confused by the mixed messages in the sense that I guess he's been pursuing me for a long time (which I read as being equal to serious interest), that he has told everyone in his circle about me and invited me to stuff with him, that he has chased me back if I have made moves to walk away, that he is generally (as far as I know) a good person.

When I really figure through those things, I guess a guy is capable of a long persuit if he finds the woman sexy /attractive enough (which I know he does) and the need to tell everyone about me and have me go to stuff with him can follow on from that same sentiment with it not meaning he has any real intent towards me. And I guess of course he chases if I move to walk away because why would he want to lose the great little setup he has.

I don't think he cares about me. Not really.

Thinking quite clearly he has said and done a few things that really hurt me or made me feel small or used. Like for example a couple of days ago he asked me if I'd hooked up with anyone else at the weekend, which I found strange and hurtful. He also cmmented to me that his buddies find out set up fascinating as he is usually so serious with girls...I mean..that made me feel like chopped liver.

I guess I need to dump. 

I feel really foolish. I'm not 18 or anything and thought I was quite smart and entered into this thinking this guy was really wild about me and feeling like it would be refreshing from all the other guys who just want to get into your pants and don't care about you and yet he said he wnated that from day one. I don't know what's wrong with me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BelovedGirl said:


> Thinking quite clearly he has said and done a few things that really hurt me or made me feel small or used.


There is NO reason to date a person who does this. What you get at dating is the BEST treatment you'll get, because you're being pursued; once you're married, the good treatment starts declining; so if it's bad now, it'll be much worse later.



BelovedGirl said:


> Like for example a couple of days ago he asked me if I'd hooked up with anyone else at the weekend, which I found strange and hurtful.


That's what mentally abusive men do - assume you're always with other men. That control side of him will only get worse. And he will continue to make YOU feel guilty for, well, being human.



BelovedGirl said:


> I feel really foolish. I'm not 18 or anything and thought I was quite smart and entered into this thinking this guy was really wild about me and feeling like it would be refreshing from all the other guys who just want to get into your pants and don't care about you and yet he said he wnated that from day one. I don't know what's wrong with me.


My DD25 is strong, healthy self esteem, knows she's beautiful and won't have trouble getting a guy. She met this guy a few years ago online and wouldn't meet him for more than 3 months, just to be sure he was ok and safe. He said ALL the right things, made her feel special and safe, so she went ahead and started dating him. Within a couple months, she was a shell of her former stuff. And it was all from those tiny things like you describe. She was crying, apologizing, trying to 'make things up' to him...

Don't blame yourself for this. The thing with these guys is they perfect their skill at drawing you in, since they have nothing else to offer.


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## boltam (Oct 14, 2015)

You've given him no reason to commit to you because you gave him, and continued to give him, noncommitted sex.

He sees you as nothing more than easy, casual sex and honestly, since you HAD sex with a guy who isn't your boyfriend, that's all you can expect.

I've dated women who wouldn't consider having sex with me until we've had the exclusive talk. That attitude commands respect. If they simply opened their legs without any sort of promise, they wouldn't gain my respect although I'd be more than happy to screw them until someone better came along.

If you're looking for something more, then you gotta act like it. It's called "self restraint".


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## BelovedGirl (Oct 16, 2015)

Hey Boltam

I get your point, but believe me if it were that simple I would stick to hard and fast rules. Remember I went into this looking for a one night thing anyway. 

I've had two very long term relationships. One I waited a year before we had sex, one we had sex the day we met (we ended up engaged and together 5 years by the way). My most recent "relationships" befre this guy both went on for four months. The first one I only kissed in all that time and we did all the dating and it turned out he had another girlfriend. The second one we dated all that time and he was a perfect gentleman and when we finally slept together after 4 months and he dumped me the next day saying he was not ready for a relationship.

I don't think it works quite so simply as holding off for sex commands respect. I have sex with each person when I feel ready and when I feel it's appropriate and in this case I knew the guy, trusted the guy and already felt like there was a connection and build up and I felt like a fling at the end of 10 months of zero sex despite a lot of healthy dating with men who turned out to be not so nice.

The truth is some men (sad to say) will pretend to care about you, use you and say or do whatever is needed sometimes for long periods of time and some are emotionally unstable and make a good effort of pretending they are and thre is no magic formula to be not hurt and treated badly except maybe to become more tough and tolerate less behavior. 

From my end my mistake wasn't sleeping with him - I wanted to and it was nice - it was sleeping with him a second time because I relegated myself to booty call status with someone I actually liked and wanted more from and yep - right now I think he has zero respect for me but I think that'spretty unfair. We've moved way past the dark ages where women had to keep their legs closed to earn respect.

I'm a smart woman, my own business, I raised a special needs child on my own, I have a huge heart, I am loyal, I am honest, I am trustworthy, I see the best in people, I am kind, I am strong and resilient and so I think I "command respect" for all those things - not because of when I do or don't choose to have sex with someone and if that's how he judges women, or me, I kinda feel sorry for him.

My biggest flaw is sometimes forgettign what I deserve. I reckon I spend a lot of time trying to make other people happy (even as a kid) and sometimes forget that Turnera is totally right...someone should be treating me amazing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you ever read The Dance Of Anger? It's a must-read for every woman.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Their is no such thing as NSA sex.

I think he cares about you but is unsure of how to navigate this.

Him asking if you had sex with someone else shows he has a vested interest in you and would probably be hurt if you did.

I am far more direct than him but that is how I would feel if I had asked you that question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boltam (Oct 14, 2015)

BelovedGirl said:


> I don't think it works quite so simply as holding off for sex commands respect.



No, it's not nearly as simply as that, it's just one part of a much bigger equation, it's like stacking the odds more in your favor.

It's quite possible when you have sex will have no effect on the outcome whatsoever. Or, depending on the guy, it just might.

I screwed my now exwife on our first date, we were married for 16 years.


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## BelovedGirl (Oct 16, 2015)

I haven't read that book Ternera, but it looks awesome and I do need some help. I think there's something about me that is just unable to chill at the start of any new relationship. I am testing, pushing and feeling insecure no matter who the guy is or what he does and I guess that has happenned to me only the last couple of years when I have been dating more than I used to and experiencing the good and the bad. I definitely need some help chilling out because this has gotten me way too upset. I should just be able to not get upset like this and just talk to him next time I see him and instead I am completely obsessing about it like a weirdo.

I know that was why he asked Conan, he said so afterwards when I said "whaaaat?" but it just seemed such a dumb way to go about asking me if I'd been with anyone else. We'd already agreed we aren't going to and he knows me pretty well so I guess I was insulted.

I know that Boltam, and you're very right in the sense that it definitely turns the power tables once you hve had sex (again, sad but true) but I guess I am trying to feel what is right for me as I move along. One thing is for sure and that is that I have worked out that phsyical intimacy on the level we share it (constant sex, cuddling, hugging, long makeout sessions, hand holding, spooning, forehead kissing and stroking) is all WAY too much for me if the mental intimacy is absent. it makes me feel quite literally off balance and I hate it.

So I think what I am going to do is try and figure a way to pull myself waaaay back out of being so over invested here and just try and chill out. I am going to wait until I se him next, face to face, and tell him that the sex has to stop until I fel comfortable with the rest of things and it will be up to him to step up to the plate or not.

I guess the answer there is obvious, and if I mean something to him hes going to care and act on it. My real problem is learning to have higher standards and expectations and expressing those instead of beating myself up and feeling rejected and crying. I really hate that I am tying my self worth so closely into how someone else behaves


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Us men can be pretty dumb with wurds sumtimes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I have to disagree with telling him no more sex until the rest of the relationship is where you want it to be. It's like giving an ultimatum and it seems manipulative to me. I think it would be better to be totally honest and end the relationship. Let him work things out on his own and then if he decides he wants the same kind of relationship you do he can come back and make that happen. Holding sex over his head is a bad idea and nothing more than a desperate attempt to control things.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Do you want him to think "wow this woman is incredible!! How can i let her go! I WANT to do whatever it takes to keep her in my life! I WANT to be with HER" or.... Do you want to coerce him into appeasing you?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Let him miss you. If there is something there he will. Don't let him come back without real communication about what you each 
want and how things will be. Don't repeat the mistake you add when you took him back the first time thinking things were different just to find out it wasn't.... And don't be so hard in yourself we've all been there ....


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## BelovedGirl (Oct 16, 2015)

Inarut, I really do agree with you - I don't want to make demands from a person, it feels like coersion to me too but I also felt like walking away was coersion of a sort too so figured on trying really hard to properly talk to him.

I called him and we had a talk for a while. I kind of explained in more detail what was in the thread and what was worrying me and I will say first that he is not the best talker, not a verbal guy and just every now and then he comes out with something important but he is a good listener and a patient person and he doesn't dismiss my feelings or anything and seems to want to make me feel happy. 

He said that he says things very wrong sometimes when they come out of his mouth and he's really sorry if I interpreted anything said in a hurtful way. He says he likes me a lot, and even though we are a few weeks in he says he does miss me when we are apart and would be with me more often if he could, and that he feels a strong connection and genuine affection growing. But he said he was also quite a slow moving guy at the best of times and he is patient and not in any big rush with anything and wants to just stay seeing each other once or twice a week and grow from there. He said he started out a few weeks ago thinking it would be a one night thing but that he definitely doesn't want that and wants to stay with me for as long as possible and he would be hopeful for a future because he feels there is a click between us. He also said he does get very jealous when I go out, or when my phone buzzes and that was why he said what he said and not because he thought I was easy and getting around or anything. 

BUT, he said he also walked into this adamant that he was not wanting "the full thing" and that his reasons for that are partly because he has no time (he works six days a week right now in a very demanding and difficult job and also plays in a sports team that practices twice on a weekend and once in the week) and coming to me (he has to as I have a kid) is a long journey and means leaving here at 6am for a two hour journey to work and that's why he doesn't do it every day. He says he can and will make changes to that but not after a month seeing each other.

He also said thre is a big element of self protection in him because he was badly hurt by the last few and has stopped wearing his heart on his sleeve and diving right on and my behavior of flip flopping a little and walking away once has made him feel a bit like i am going to dump him anyday which means he also feels a little unstable -but he likes me a lot, and wants to carry on.

Based on all that I kind of felt like I saw his side of it. Clearly I guess for me I am wanting to be wooed and have someone send me flowers and call every day and do all that stuff that makes me feel like "wow, this guy likes me", but he is telling me that isn't going to be what I get if I continue here. What I am going to get is a guy that is quite casual at first for a few months, but who says he will up his game as and when things get serious but that he is feeling me out as much as I am him and he has no idea what is happenning yet and wans to continue with what we have because he thinks it's amazing. He says if he didn't really like me, he would not travel so far to see me, and he would not want to stay with me all day or cuddle me when I was sleeping or spend 15 minutes daying goodbye at the door because the kisses were so good.

Can anyone help me work through that? I mean, I have expectation based on previous relationships and feel this one is definitely lacking but at the same time I do see where he is coming from and don't want to force him to behave in certain ways to keep me. Is it possible for me to take what he says at face value here and let him take this at his own pace? 

Maybe with some adjustments from me? Like for example maybe trying to make more plans instead of hanging around in the hope he might make that weekend or whatever? Just, you know, letting this play out for a few months. He is good to me i so many ways, and I don't want to not give this a chance but also don't want to feel bad or like i am bending on what I want!

Any advice on what I should do or move forward?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BelovedGirl said:


> I am wanting to be wooed and have someone send me flowers and call every day and do all that stuff that makes me feel like "wow, this guy likes me", but


That not only is not realistic (sounds like you watched a lot of Hallmark movies), it is not healthy. When I advise people about dating, I tell them not to see each other at first more than once a week, if THAT often. Once a month, if you're just coming off of a bad relationship.

Why? Because if you're not in a healthy place self-esteem wise, you're gonna suck up all that feel-good that you get from the contact and want more more more, rising the PEA levels in your body (look it up) until you're in the lust stage and you're thinking with your libido instead of your brain.

Once a week contact gives you time to REALLY get to know somebody, gives you time to experience both good and bad things - because you need to be able to see them in the BAD times, as that is what you are signing up for in a relationship. It's easy to be on your best behavior, but a true window into your soul is how you act when something bad is happening and you forget to 'look your best.' Going slowly gives you time to see such instances BEFORE you're emotionally hooked on that person, so you can look at their response objectively. If it's a bad response, unhealthy, you need to be able to see it for what it is, instead of just making excuses for it because you're in lust.

And no offense, but ANY guy can buy you flowers and call you every day and it could be a 100% act. You need to be smarter than that.

Take it slowly.

All that aside, I'm still getting a bad vibe from him. "He was badly hurt by the last few"? That tells me he's either unstable himself (like the controller I alluded to earlier who is always the victim) or he's dysfunctional and picking dysfunctional women - and getting the exact result you'd expect from continuously picking messed up women - getting badly hurt.


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