# Fiance cheated on me



## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

It really hurts to write this.My fiance and I have been together for a year and we recently got engaged. We were the perfect couple. We both felt lucky to have met etc

Three weeks ago he confessed to sleeping with an ex. He met up with her a couple of times before that for a coffee and the third time she came to his house and it got out of hand. 

He is mortified at what he has done and desparately wants forgivness and a second chance. I cannot count the number of times he has said sorry and what a huge mistake it was because he ruined everything. He says he wont contact this girl again and is even willing to apologise to my parents for hurting me. It pains him to see me so broken.

I cant end this relationship because I am still madly in love with him. Its been three weeks since he told me. We were getting married next March. CHurch booked etc. He wants us to still get married

I dont know what to think. I am just hurting really badly.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

at the very least postpone the wedding indefinitely

it takes a long time to heal from infidelity and spending your honeymoon years through this process is a terrible way to go

most here will tell you that you are lucky to have found out before marriage and you should break up

easier said than done, I understand, but you should at least consider it, if he can't remain faithful during an engagement where he is supposed to be all gaga over his fiance then you should seriously question his ability to remain faithful during the marriage where you have lots of ups and downs.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> It really hurts to write this.My fiance and I have been together for a year and we recently got engaged. *We were the perfect couple.* We both felt lucky to have met etc
> 
> .


Hibiscus, I'm sorry that you're here. RUN LIKE THE WIND AWAY FROM HIS SORRY BUTT. And be thankful that you didn't find out about his cheating ways _after _you had married him.

(Also, start referring to this loser as your 'ex fiance'.)


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I am so sad to hear that.

Surely his signs of remorse is something positive?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hibiscus said:


> I am so sad to hear that.
> 
> Surely his signs of remorse is something positive?


really the only things that made me hesitant on telling you flat out to "run run run" was the fact that he confessed and the fact he is willing to face consequence (like telling your parents)


even still, you need to realize how long you will hurt from this- on average 2-5 years


I think it is best that you postpone the wedding and take some time to yourself to really think this through


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw- how much can you verify of his confession? Even people who confess will confess to "lesser crimes" and you may be getting trickle truth (see my newbie link in my signature to get term definitions)

plus you have to do some spying/snooping in order to regain trust imo, is that something you wish to do in the early stages of your marriage?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You just found out.

Emotions at this time are running very high and to make a decision based upon his admission may not be right. You need some time without the weight of a planned wedding pushing you to make a decision to forward.

The wedding is added pressure for you to keep on going. Do not let this be the main point behind your decision.

He needs to prove to you he can be trusted in the future. His admission is a start but you need more information and also you need to really reevalutate him as a person.

1. He cheats now, when there is no pressure of a marriage, bills, children etc. What will he do when he is faced with those problems in the future.

2. Is the X out of his life, you need to find that out.

3. If you do go forward think hard about getting a prenuptual agreement.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

No no no.... no! Cheating within a year is just a nogo. period.

Of course you are madly in love with him, you are just in the very beginning of your relationship. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be reciprocated.

You don't want to relive my story - we were the perfect couple as well. My wife cheated once in our younger days, now I have to relive it 27 years down the road. I would not want that to happen to my worst enemy.

If he doesn't respect you enough to stay loyal to you within the first year of your relationship, he will most likely find it impossible to do so when everyday ups and downs will hit you down the road - and they will.

Get out of there with your self respect is intact.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

this is supposed to be some of the happiest times for you two that there are, and whats he do--cheat..just my opinion,it's instant launch time.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Postponing the wedding is a good idea. You really need to think about the situation without the pressure of a wedding date. Also consider that maybe you don't know him well enough after only a year. Are you in a rush to be married? Evaluate him. What is the flaw in his character that allowed him to be o.k with cheating? Is he impulsive? Narcissitic? Lack empathy? Investigate further before you commit! Marriage isn't that easy to get out of and things like kids and bills will make you accept things that may crush your soul. 

Since you're madly in love I won't advise you to leave him because you don't want to. I'm advising that you maintain an easy exit for now while you take time for your emotions to settle. This means no living together...no wedding date...no pregnancies...and no depending on him financially.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> I am so sad to hear that.
> 
> Surely his signs of remorse is something positive?




Hibiscus,
Sometimes we have to look at the FACTS.
What the Count of Monte Christo said is 100% CORRECT.

At this stage in your relationship both of you are supposed to be sure of one thing,
That is your feelings. Genuine feelings of love breeds respect.
Forget his BS story about his ex...It didn't " happen" just so.
IT WAS PLANNED.

On the week leading up to my marriage,an ex contacted me , through a mutual
" friend",and and offered me sex for one last time before the " big day."
I never responded,instead I sent her a piece of cake in a decorative box with both my wife and my name inscribed on it, the week after we came back from our honeymoon.

Your fiance just gave you a preview of what to expect ,should you marry him.
*RUN FROM THIS MAN , HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU.YOU ARE STILL YOUNG AND CAN START OVER.*


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> It really hurts to write this.*My fiance and I have been together for a year* and we recently got engaged. We were the perfect couple. We both felt lucky to have met etc
> 
> Three weeks ago he confessed to sleeping with an ex. He met up with her a couple of times before that for a coffee and the third time she came to his house and it got out of hand.
> 
> ...


Be thankful that you were with him just for 1 year and not more. 
1 year is nothing compared to what could happened if you were married to him and he cheated on you. 

Do not marry this man. He's still not sure about his feelings for you and he thought about giving it a try with his ex to recall the feelings of the past. He played his game and had his fun ...now that he's done he wants to get back to you?

It's unfair. Do yourself a favor. Leave him.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

My fiance is adamant that I am the love of his life as I have questioned his motive to even get in touch with his ex. He claimed it was all innocent and it went out of hand because he still had pent up feelings for her. He thought he could control it. But resalised too late that he couldnt. He is motified that he let himself go like that. But he swears it will never happen again. I can the grief on his face!

But he is sticking to his guns and says that he loves me, always did, always will and that he has no intention of wanting a relationship with his ex whether I decide to stay or leave.

What really upsets me is that they met in the afternoon. No alcohol involved. When did he think about me when he was having sex with her?? He was clearly riddled with guilt when he met me later. He couldnt even look at me. 
Yet he still slept with her?? I dont understand

By the way we are both in our early forties. Young but not that young


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Jeez I am so confused. This is so painful! Will it get easier?!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> My fiance is adamant that I am the love of his life as I have questioned his motive to even get in touch with his ex. He claimed it was all innocent and it went out of hand because he still had pent up feelings for her. He thought he could control it. But resalised too late that he couldnt. He is motified that he let himself go like that. But he swears it will never happen again. I can the grief on his face!
> 
> But he is sticking to his guns and says that he loves me, always did, always will and that he has no intention of wanting a relationship with his ex whether I decide to stay or leave.
> 
> ...


Wow, didn't see that one coming 

So much worse what you have just written. His reaction may be due to fear of loosing you and starting all over again. Tough. 

But he has shown that he is capable of doing it at the high of your emotional connection - would you (being in your early forties  ) be willing to think about this every time he is alone. My take is, that it is what will happen to you.

My advice remains.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Jeez I am so confused. This is so painful! Will it get easier?!


Maybe. In a few years from now. But the doubt and lack of trust will probably remain. Plzz... reconsider the marriage.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Jeez I am so confused. This is so painful! Will it get easier?!




Sorry you are in this position.
But a lot of the posters here have passed through some sort of betrayal at the hands of their spouses, both male and female.

Some have even passed through worse than you.
Their advice is worth its weight in gold.
You need to take some time off and think [ not feel ] for yourself.
In cases like this ,NEVER let your emotions overrule.
It was your instinct that brought you here,not your fiancee 
Trust your deepest instinct.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> My fiance is adamant that I am the love of his life as I have questioned *his motive to even get in touch with his ex.* *He claimed it was all innocent* and it went out of hand because he still had pent up feelings for her. He thought he could control it. But resalised too late that he couldnt. He is motified that he let himself go like that. But he swears it will never happen again. I can the grief on his face!
> 
> But he is sticking to his guns and says that he loves me, always did, always will and that he has no intention of wanting a relationship with his ex whether I decide to stay or leave.
> 
> ...


What was his motive to get in touch with her? "It was all innocent" is not a motive. He could have talked to her over facebook or over the phone without ever meeting up if he was just curious about what she was up to.

No, the reason he met her was to hook up. You are correct that he knew full well what he was doing every step of the way, having met in the afternoon over coffee. How do you get from sitting in a coffee shop sipping a cup of coffee to stripping off your clothes and having sex, if it wasn't intentional?

My question is, why did he confess? Did someone who knows you see him with her leaving a hotel or his apartment, or is he afraid she will tell you or post something on facebook?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

It will get easier. And harder at times, but as long as you take care of yourself and act with dignity you will absolutely get over this. But not with him. Youre in your 40's, you know you have to stand up for yourself and leave him, especially as your fiance (soon to be EX fiance, if you have any self respect) so easily betrayed you. Have you been married before? Has he? 

Look. They met in the afternoon. He contacted her...so clearly the plan was to meet and have sex. He is not marriage material. Dump, get some therapy to help you with the grief, exercise, eat right and don't think twice about leaving this one behind. As others have said, thank god this happened before marriage.

He says he loves you, has always loved you, blah blah. Yet he also says he wanted to explore lingering feelings for his ex. He's not over her and you know it. So does he. You're option B. Don't allow yourself to accept this. So sorry, and good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Oh my gawd! I thought you guys were twentysomethings. This is infinitely worse. He's old enough to know better. Drop him like a bad habit because he surely will cause you more grief if you marry him. YOU ARE THE BACKUP PLAN.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't marry him. 

He said it all when he said he still had lingering feelings for her and was confused about it and met up with her and slept with her. He told you very plainly that he did not prioritize your relationship and/or wasn't as committed to you as you thought.

I am sorry.

But it is infinitely better to find out now before you marry this guy. 

Exes have no place in a current relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hibiscus said:


> My fiance is adamant that I am the love of his life as I have questioned his motive to even get in touch with his ex. *He claimed it was all innocent and it went out of hand because he still had pent up feelings for her. *


This is your answer. 

Tell him Goodbye.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

For good measure, make sure to inform his ex's current BF or husband that this happened (if she has one...and don't take your cheating fiance's word on that, find out for yourself). Held to account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> What was his motive to get in touch with her? "It was all innocent" is not a motive. He could have talked to her over facebook or over the phone without ever meeting up if he was just curious about what she was up to.
> 
> No, the reason he met her was to hook up. You are correct that he knew full well what he was doing every step of the way, having met in the afternoon over coffee. How do you get from sitting in a coffee shop sipping a cup of coffee to stripping off your clothes and having sex, if it wasn't intentional?
> 
> My question is, why did he confess? Did someone who knows you see him with her leaving a hotel or his apartment, or is he afraid she will tell you or post something on facebook?


:iagree:

And it appears that the EX still has feelings for him as well, as evidenced by HER participation in the act.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

hibiscus said:


> It really hurts to write this.My fiance and I have been together for a year and we recently got engaged.
> I cant end this relationship because I am still madly in love with him. Its been three weeks since he told me. We were getting married next March. CHurch booked etc. He wants us to still get married
> 
> I dont know what to think. I am just hurting really badly.
> Any advice will be greatly appreciated.



A few corrections;

You can end the relationship.
You can cancel the wedding.

Read your own words, in your current state you are desperate to continue with the plans and pretend nothing bad has happened in your relationship. Well it has and your fiancé has shown his true colours. Do you seriously want to walk down the aisle not knowing if he is still in contact with her. What action , not offers of action or words , has he taken to evidence that he is remorseful for what he has done. Has he told your parents, gone for an STD test, given you her details and helped you expose her to her husband/boyfriend / parents. Has he offered to put the marriage on hold until you decide what to do?

While the advice not to marry him sounds harsh what will be worse is him having sex with his ex after you marry. 

Step back, remove him from your life for a while and give yourself space to think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I agree that if he still had pent up feelings for his ex, then he isn't ready for marriage to you or to anyone. He needs to resolve his feelings for his ex and truly get over her in order to move on. 

You've only known each other for a year. Maybe you need to know each other a LOT longer before you decide to marry. At the very least, I'd postpone the wedding.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So he couldn't "control" himself a few months ago, but now he can? What has magically changed?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> He claimed it was all innocent


Cheating is never innocent.



> But he swears it will never happen again. I can the grief on his face!


It happened once. It can happen anytime in the future, again.
Once you break the "taboo" you can easily do it another time because you get comfortable.



> says that he loves me, always did,


But he's not in love with you. He's never been.




> No alcohol involved


. 
That's worse. 
It means it was all conscious and he knew what he was doing. 



> When did he think about me when he was having sex with her??


A better question would be "Did he think about her while having sex with you for all this time that you've been together?"




> Yet he still slept with her?? I dont understand


You don't understand because you're not a cheater and you don't think like a cheater. That's why leave him. 



> By the way we are both in our early forties. Young but not that young


To be honest with you, until reading this I thought you were a *very* young couple. Maybe around 20s...because you sound too naive and he's got some growing up to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Read your own words, in your current state you are desperate to continue with the plans and pretend nothing bad has happened in your relationship. Well it has and your fiancé has shown his true colours.


Agreed.

It sounds like OP is in denial, which isn't uncommon after being cheated on.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Cheating is never innocent.



:iagree:

There are so many times I've heard people blame all sorts of things.Alcohol , Environment , " Psychological Issues" ,Stress and all sorts of things. 
I have NEVER seen two people, naked on the sidewalk having sex.

1]They must find a suitable location,car ,house ,or secluded spot.
2]They must both build the sexual tension between them.
3]The woman at least must remove part of her clothing.

All of these things are barriers that must be CONSCIOUSLY removed / overcome in order for two people to do the act.

Infidelity is wrong full stop. 
It is NEVER a " mistake."


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

If you think canceling a wedding is going to disrupt your life and your family's take a wild guess what marrying a man that has feelings for a past girlfriend will be like.

Take the easy road on this one...run for your life. You love him? Get over it. He did.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> My fiance is adamant that I am the love of his life as I have questioned his motive to even get in touch with his ex. He claimed it was all innocent and it went out of hand because he still had pent up feelings for her. He thought he could control it. But resalised too late that he couldnt.


Control what? He shouldn't of put himself in the situation to begin with.

His explanation of how it happened may seem simple and inadvertent (almost innocent) but the reality is, there were a hundred steps he took that day where stopping at any one of them would have prevented this.

He CHOSE to put himself in that situation and then he CHOSE to go through with it. Only after the orgasm did he CHOOSE to be remorseful.

Thats why I hate cheaters. They take all of these steps in the direction of cheating and then claim it just hapenned.

This is a weak man and if this hapenned now, you are in for a world of hurt once you get married. Wait until the ex. shows up when you are 8 months pregnant. Let the bastard go.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

This "man" is old enough to know better. And it sounds as though he did this recently. At a time when you two should still be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. And several times when he was, as you said sober, and conciously made the decision to sleep with her.

At the absolute MINIMUM, I'd not postpone the wedding...I'd call it OFF. Give him the ring back. Then, maybe, in a few years if you can work through this and he has not strayed, then you can possibly consider accepting another ring from him.

But this is not good. Due to his age, life experience, and level of conciousness at the time, none of this bodes well for you. This wasn't a "mistake". 

It sounds like you may have been his "rebound" woman. And that almost never works, for reasons you're seeing first hand now. 

His remourse is nothing more than "alligator tears".


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Thank you all for your comments. I did alot of thinking today. Did alot of crying and your comments are right. I cannot be with this man.

I just ended it. I am devastated but its the right decision. Thank you for your replys


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Hibiscus I know it hurts now. I think in a while (a few weeks from now) This sad feeling will start to go away and then you can think clearly again. Eventually you will see that this man was not the man for you. You will find another man for you out there. Heck I am sure there are plenty of newly single guys on this site that would love to get to know you. So don't sweat it.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> I just ended it. I am devastated but its the right decision. Thank you for your replys


Good girl. No matter how bad it hurts know that you did the right thing. Time will heal. There are plenty of men out there who would rather eat glass then ever cheat on you.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Yes I just need to give it time....he is not worth my mental health. Good luck to him. He can eff off. I hope he has learnt his lesson


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I thought we were soul mates but clearly we dont share a common understanding to infedelity. I am not a cheater. Never would do that to another person but he can..despite his guilt afterwards. He still slept with her. I wouldnt have even put myself in that situation!
Especially when he was constantly badgering me about if I was in contact with any of my exes!! What a load of CRAP!!


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

God I am sooooo angry I could SREAM!!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> God I am sooooo angry I could SREAM!!


Anger is good in this situation. It will help you remain clear that this a$$hole is the one that blew it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How did he respond?

Hibiscus, I really think you did the right thing.

Sorry for your pain. It does and will get better.

Hold your head up high and go no contact with him.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Something stuck with me my old man told me a long time ago. he was very big on a "man being and acting like a man". He could not tolerate a male who did not act as a man should. We were around a campfire one night with a bunch of his friends (I was maybe 16). The conversation of affairs came up. My father said this...and it has stuck with me ever since: "A real man does not cause that kind of pain to someone he loves or his family simply to fulfil a selfish desire or need. A real man is about doing for and protecting his family, placing their needs above his own, and not hurting them". Something like that or very close to it.

It's a real crapshoot out there at our ages. But at least at our ages we have the experience and knowledge to know when to get rid of a lost cause or cut our losses. Hate to say it, but an affair in the first couple years, and while a wedding is being planned? That can clue you into what life would be like with this one 5 or 10 years down the line.

Had this been a drunken ONS or something, my advice might be different. But to conciously and with full awareness do something like this, and not even once, but several times? You had the misfortune of happening upon and falling in love with a selfish, self centered man. You are fortunate you found out now, however.


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## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain, but I think your decision is the right one.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay strong girl just like in any death there will be mourning...and yes this is a death of a relationship.

When our loved ones pass on we grieve, but then we move on and live.

Sorry the foundation for this relationship was cracked by your man, but hopefully some day he will get help for his lack of boundries and entitlement issues or what ever messed up part of his brain that makes him make such dumb choices.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

hibiscus said:


> It really hurts to write this.My fiance and I have been together for a year and we recently got engaged. We were the perfect couple. We both felt lucky to have met etc
> 
> Three weeks ago he confessed to sleeping with an ex. He met up with her a couple of times before that for a coffee and the third time she came to his house and it got out of hand.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry this has happened to you. However, it is good that it happened now. If he can't stay committed to you through your engagement, he sure as heck can't stay committed to you for a lifetime. He is not marriage material. Cut your losses and move on. There is another man out there somewhere who will love you more than your lying cheating fiance does.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

hibiscus said:


> Thank you all for your comments. I did alot of thinking today. Did alot of crying and your comments are right. I cannot be with this man.
> 
> I just ended it. I am devastated but its the right decision. Thank you for your replys


I should have read your whole thread before responding. Good girl. This was tough but you did the right thing. You didn't try to sweep things under the rug, you saw things for what they were. And above all remember, this wasn't about any defect in you, this was all him. 

Give yourself time to heal and use the lessons you have just learned in selecting your marriage partner in the future. He is out there. Just take your time finding him and be VERY selective. You done good, hon.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Thank you all for your comments. I did alot of thinking today. Did alot of crying and your comments are right. I cannot be with this man.
> 
> I just ended it. I am devastated but its the right decision. Thank you for your replys




In time it will heal and make you wiser and stronger.
And yes,
There is still somebody that is worthy of your love and attention out there.


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

Good luck in the future, that must have been such a painfully hard decision for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Thank you guys for your kind words.

I dumped him by text while reading your messages. He has accepted it is over. He knew it was from day one and has given in.
I told him that he cant be trusted. He has said nothiing.

We are now sending very formal text messages about our finances.

He is coming over tonight to get all his personal belongings.

What do i do when I see him?? How shall I act?? I am scared


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Suffered a panic attack in the middle of the night. Life without him petrifies me but I am sticking to my guns


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Thank you guys for your kind words.
> 
> I dumped him by text while reading your messages. He has accepted it is over. He knew it was from day one and has given in.
> I told him that he cant be trusted. He has said nothiing.
> ...


I think you need to "woman up" and show him that he can't mess with you. OK to tell him that he screwed something up that could have been fantastic, but show him that you are independent of him and will get over him.

Act cool, don't cry, OK to be sad, OK to be slightly angry with him and let him have it. That's what I would do, if I could choose and could manage to pull it off.

Hang in there, it's the right thing to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When you meet with him, drop your emotions out of the equation. Be "all business" with him--treat him as you would a colleague--cordial but no emotions. 

If he tries to sweet-talk you, tell him, "Stop. Don't do that. This is over and it was over when you decided to go behind my back and cheat on me with your ex. There is nothing more to discuss here about me and you." 

Stick to your guns & hold your head high.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

here is a link to the 180 rules 
http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180 
implement them


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## freckleface (Jul 10, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Suffered a panic attack in the middle of the night. Life without him petrified me but I am sticking to my guns


So sorry that happened - it sucks a lot. I still have shots of them although I'm trying to reconcile (or get there) with my cheating wife. It does get better with a bit of time, and as you fall out of the routines you had with him.


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> Suffered a panic attack in the middle of the night. Life without him petrified me but I am sticking to my guns


Oh boy do I know what you are going through. That's why I am still at my house with my husband, trying desperately to save my marriage. He told me Saturday night he was having an EA. Swears to me that it was never a PA. We've been married less than a year and five months and I am reeling from this. I thought he was the perfect guy. I look at our wedding pictures and just start crying uncontrollably. How did it go so wrong so fast?? He is feeling awful about it as well and I can see that it hurt him but he can't break off contact with the other person yet. Says he doesn't know how he feels. I still think it can be saved with counseling and a no contact letter if he chooses to stay in the marriage and honor our vows. I am so scared at the the thought of living without him. I can't even sleep if he's not in bed with me. 
I guess what I am trying to say is be thankful you found out before you got married. While the pain is horrible now, imagine what it would have been like if you had gotten married. The pain would be even worse.


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

freckleface said:


> So sorry that happened - it sucks a lot. I still have shots of them although I'm trying to reconcile (or get there) with my cheating wife. It does get better with a bit of time, and as you fall out of the routines you had with him.


:iagree: Freckleface, I am trying to reconcile with my husband too and try to get past the affair as well. Thank you for saying it does get better with a bit of time because right now, I'm just a mess.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Be cordial, be polite, be cold as ice. Wish him luck in his life. Never contact him again. Never respond to his attempts to contact you. Take time. Heal. Learn to be you. Then you can begin a life with someone else. It will happen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sandc said:


> Be cordial, be polite, be cold as ice. Wish him luck in his life. _*Never contact him again. Never respond to his attempts to contact you. *_Take time. Heal. Learn to be you. Then you can begin a life with someone else. It will happen.


:iagree:

Bingo. Sand nailed it.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Er.Okay I will confess that we are still in contact.
He came over yesterday to collect his things. We sat holding hands and crying together so I was not this cold icy person as I should have been. But it was clearly over.

I suggested that we could meet up in a years time to which he said that he said he would like to ( GRR, still hanging onto hope here when I shouldnt).

He then text me later and we have a nice conversation about nothing.

Today we have been texting because we have fiances to sort out. Deposits need to be return from the wedding venue etc etc so we do need to cooperate with each other. All polite and cool.

And we have a huge row. I asked him if he told his friends and family the truth as to why we are splitting. He tells me no. I just freak out. I didnt want his family thinking that this was partly my fault as they have been so good to me. I told him he was a coward. That he needs to tell them the truth. 

I am so pissed off!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do the exposures yourself, he will likely sugar coat it anyways


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Hibiscus, I understand how you feel. Here's the solution to spreading the truth about what really happened -- just confide in the biggest gossip in your circle of friends. Word will soon get out.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Exposure to his family and friends during discovery and using exposure to end an affair is one of the first things we here on TAM would ask you to do.

Exposing after you've moved on to divorce/separation might not do any good except to clear your conscience that the truth is out there. Some people here would say to expose no matter what so that his family knows what kind of man he is. It's kind of a gray area though. Although they say it should never hurt to tell the truth. And for the record yes he is a coward for not telling them. For all you know he just told them you were cheating on him. Do you have to see his family or friends for anything? Any chance you might run into them?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Yeah I just spoke to his dad!I told him what happened and he is flabbergasted. He knows of the OW. Says they were togther three years ago and she really messed with his head but thought that it was over. Apparently they live close to each other

Right now I hate my ex fiance. I am sure they met up on more than one occassions


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I met my ex fiance online. He lives about two hours away from me so I will never bump into his circle of friends nor his family.

But I just spoke to his dad so the word will spread.We had a huge engagement two weeks before Dday and received very expensives gifts. His mum told me that she already bought an outfit for our wedding. Very embarassing!

I am gonna leave this with my self respect in tact. There is no way threy are going to think that I like to mess people around. No way


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Good for you! It's always nice to walk out with your head high. Hopefully his parents are giving him the third degree......


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

And I also sent him one last text that he in future he needs to do some soul searching and sort out why he is still chasing an ex of his who doesnt want him. When she says jump, he jumps and jeaopordies everything good in his life. He doesnt even want to be with this ex.

So now he has lost me for good. I told him he has lost out to an amazing future with me. And an amazing person because i would have loved him completely. He says he knows and is full of regret.

That made me fool GOOD for about a minute. and now back to feeling sad, miserable, angry etc again.


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## Nicole01 (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm so truly sorry. 

The best thing you can do is not go through with the marriage. There's a great possibility this will happen again.

My ex h cheated on me prior to marriage. I thought he'd change once we married, but I was wrong. I ended up leaving and now I'm married to the man of my dreams. My husband now is 100% honest, truthful, and would never be unfaithful.

I wish you the best in these really tough times. Hang in there, it will get easier.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> And I also sent him one last text that he in future he needs to do some soul searching and sort out why he is still chasing an ex of his who doesnt want him. When she says jump, he jumps and jeaopordies everything good in his life. He doesnt even want to be with this ex.
> 
> So now he has lost me for good. I told him he has lost out to an amazing future with me. And an amazing person because i would have loved him completely. He says he knows and is full of regret.
> 
> *That made me fool GOOD for about a minute. and now back to feeling sad, miserable, angry etc again.*


^^^^^^^^^
That roller coaster of feelings is quite normal,but they are temporary and will pass over time. 
But just think ,if you had gone through with this marriage,
It [ bad feelings ] would have been for a LIFETIME.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

hibiscus

I had a particular interest when I started reading your thread as I was in a similar situation last year.

We'd been together four years. Two kids together. Engaged. He had what was an EA with a girl he met at work. I found out as he confessed he'd kissed her a couple of days after it happened, it was the culmination of the month he'd been working where she worked. Built up tension I suppose.

Unfortunately it didn't end there. There was broken no contact. He was here and there about how he felt about me and him. Very complicated: I can't say he was definite about leaving, he was half in and half looking out. I found him texting her, I chucked him out, he came back a week later.

He made the decision to make a go of it. We went to counselling. Didn't bring up the marriage plans for a while.

Fast forward to now... We got married in March. It was a huge leap for me after what happened and I will confess to having a huge hit of pre-wedding doubts and nearly calling it off.

Things are good. We have a happily functioning relationship - by that I mean what happened doesn't massively affect our day-to-day lives and we are good.

However it certainly does come up. I worry about if he gets sent back to the place where she works or nearby (the latter happens from time to time.) There is the residual feeling of uneasiness when he is texting or using the internet on his phone. From time to time I will check his email or phone bill, or browse his messages. 

I do think the major difference is the PA aspect. My now-husband had poor POOR boundaries and in essence didn't set out to be unfaithful but didn't uphold boundaries so it didn't get to that place. I feel confident because I can see he has boundaries in place now.

FWIW I think you did the right thing in your circumstances. It sounds very much like what your ex did was premeditated, and I can't think of a way that he would be able to prove that faced with his ex again he wouldn't do the same thing - particularly given he admitted he still had feelings for her.

Just because it's difficult doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. Good luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to stop having contact with him other than w/ things re: to finances, etc.

Seriously. This is to protect yourself from futher hurt.



hibiscus said:


> His mum told me that she already bought an outfit for our wedding. Very embarassing!


Not embarassing for you, dear. Embarassing for your loser ex. You did nothing wrong.



hibiscus said:


> And I also sent him one last text that he in future he needs to do some soul searching and sort out why he is still chasing an ex of his who doesnt want him..


Again, stop doing this. Stop being his emotional crutch or his psychologist. He doesn't get that part of you anymore. You dumped him so go no contact. Don't hold his hand after he just burned yours.



hibiscus said:


> When she says jump, he jumps and jeaopordies everything good in his life. He doesnt even want to be with this ex.
> 
> So now he has lost me for good.


I actually believe that he may not have even have wanted to be with the ex. That now he realizes it for good. That it took something as major as his fvck up and you dumping him for im to realize that he needs to stop chasing ghosts from his past. 

He may have learned a huge lesson from this and you, my dear, deserve better, no matter what.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Wow thank you all for your replys because its really helping me get through this. Your various insights and experiences are very helpful and its a comfort to know that I am not the only one who is /has gone through this very painful experience.

Thank you Almostrecovered for the 180 link. I have just printed it out and will put it on my fridge.

He just sent me this text. But I wont reply and start implementing the 180 rules on him:

Pls I dont want to fall out with you. Everything you have said I deserve 10 times and more!! I ruined anything we could have been by being a complete ******* with no regards to you or your family's feelings. I took everything for granted and I am deeplu, deeply sorry. I know full well I,ve lost the best future I could have ever wished for with you. I am sorry you met me as I've caused you so much pain when we had so much to look forward to. Once again I am sorry and hope one day you will forgive me X


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Jellybeans: And yes I deserve better


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do not respond to that text.

Make him sweat.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

He betrayed you, you two are done and you deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect while giving you and only you his 100%

He doesn't deserve to be friends with you after what he pulled. Go dark on him and consider him a closed chapter in the book of your life.

Don't respond to any text or he'll keep trying to use you as emotional support.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

He will say whatever he thinks will help sway your emotions back to him. I'd advise you to stand fast. No contact with him. He lost you right? Then follow through and be lost to him. Yes, you can forgive him some day. When you are married to a wonderful gent who treats you like a queen and have your two beautiful children in tow and you run into him in the park. He'll be the one being guided about by the ex who will have him on a leash. Then, at that moment stop and tell him you forgive him. Then go buy your two beautiful children an ice cream and kiss your amazing husband and go on and live your life. Without him.

Be sure to drop me a note when that happens.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

hibiscus said:


> Yeah I just spoke to his dad!I told him what happened and he is flabbergasted. He knows of the OW. Says they were togther three years ago and she really messed with his head but thought that it was over. Apparently they live close to each other
> 
> Right now I hate my ex fiance. I am sure they met up on more than one occassions



You did what was required , the next step is for you to reduce contact to a minimum and work on yourself. It may seem bleak now , as the days , weeks, months pass you will get stronger and learn how to move on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure24 (Aug 1, 2012)

I am one year into a marriage and just found something like this out and all I can offer is that I wish more than anything I knew he was capable of such a thing before I married him. No matter how much I love him I wouldn't have married him if a had known he was capable of hurting me so bad.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

hibiscus said:


> It really hurts to write this.My fiance and I have been together for a year and we recently got engaged. We were the perfect couple. We both felt lucky to have met etc
> 
> Three weeks ago he confessed to sleeping with an ex. He met up with her a couple of times before that for a coffee and the third time she came to his house and it got out of hand.
> 
> ...


RUN

LEAVE

If you are smart you will leave


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