# Battle of Right vs Wrong



## bella_b (Feb 6, 2010)

Wow, I'm shaking writing this, but anyway...

My H and I have been married 2.5 years. we have one child together (20mo) and I have an older child (6) from another relationship which was previously a disaster filled with abuse and fear. that a different story... but the 6yo lives with us full time.

so... my husband. I'm not in love with him. I haven't been for about a year. I'm a well seasoned, rather old 25 yo and we got together when I was 19 and a single mom with a 4 month old. As a clueless, naive teen mom I was on the lookout for a man who could take care of me and my child, who wasn't going to hurt me anymore and was going to be a good father figure for my kid (who REALLY needed a better FF than his wayward, slightly deranged father). 
Being young and stupid, my 'friend' came forward explaining she knew a really nice guy but he was still a virgin and basically (again, naive) pimped me out to deflower him because she knew I wasn't going to do the one night stand thing with him. I felt sorry for him cos he was 20 and never been kissed. So i accepted because I was stupid and desperate. 
(Yes I realize now, it was all bad bad bad, and im not friends with that 'friend' anymore. And I wasn't paid to do it before you go thinking "Hmmm" lol)
so anyway, we ended up falling for each other but I always tried to impress him and make him feel special by being someone I wasn't. I wanted to give him a good experience and boost his confidence. well, 5 years on I've really shot myself in the foot. I never expected us to get married. and I never expected him to change so drastically, even just growing up.
All he ever wants is sex and my undivided attention and he's so extremely selfish. He's always take take take and has left me empty and exhausted. I can't even stand him touching me anymore. I hate his jokes, his immaturity, his bossiness, i hate his condescending, snotty mother and cannot STAND the way he sometimes speaks to me like I'm a side of meat. I cannot tell him I love him because I just don't, not in the way he thinks. I have even lost respect for him because he doesn't show me much. He never sticks up for me (ESPECIALLY when the ex calls me up to abuse me and threatens to hurt my eldest son) I went into a deep depression because he was always trying to control me and boss me around and I stupidly let him. But then I woke up and started standing up for myself. I went on an overseas trip and came back my old self. I feel so empowered I have the strength to stand up to him and now i realise he changed me into a pathetic little scrap even though he was never in anyway aggressive towards me. actually, it was passive aggression, but that's hind sight for you.
He never listens, never puts in effort. he is extremely lazy. he just blames me for everything and doesn't support me in a single thing I do. I've always discusssed things with him but he just spins it back to me and that I did everything wrong. he cant even take responsibilty for his actions.

we talked about this last week and he agreed he's not in love with me either and we both said we're staying together for the kids. The truth is, I don't WANT to be with him. I don't want to save this marriage, but I don't know how to split and here is why.
I met the absolute man of my dreams. Only thing is, he's on the other side of the country and of course, im married. i am absolutely smitten with him and everything we share is perfectly genuine. He's not too good to be true and has his flaws but I want all of them. I know it sounds real silly, like some crazy crush but I NEVER felt this way about anyone ever before. A lot of people don't understand what we have explained before. 
My marriage started going down the tube a little over a year ago and this other man has only popped up in the last few months. We started off as friends and it just grew into this great big... thing. so it's not as if I'm having doubts just over this other man. They've been there, and now this other man has just shown me I've wasted my time with the H.
I want to be with this other man because he's everything I want and need. He will take on my kids (a little reluctantly but will make a massive effort) and deal with my exes. He is immensely respectful, is really encouraging and supporting, never inappropriate, loves me unconditionally and doesnt lust for me 9at least he conceals it). We agreed to think it through and take our time and I know he's not going anywhere and loves me unconditionally.

Before I went interstate to see my lover (yes, I admit I'm having an emotional affair, and a physical one too) I talked about feeling with the H. I asked if I had feelings for my lover what would happen if I came back. he said we would be over.

I know I've gone about things a really bad way and you can flame me as much as you like, I probably deserve it, but my H could've done something. He knew this man was a growing threat and he did nothing to stop it. I talked, and offered and tried to get him to open up and explain but he just thinks we have a perfect marriage, it just needs much more sex. We never started off on the right terms. it was always physical and sexual, but my only excuse was I was young and just trying to do the right thing for my child. Is it time to just move on and FINALLY be happy with someone who will love me and treat me properly? Or should I be doing something else?

If I should leave, how do I go about leaving my husband for another man??

HELP!!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hey, all good stuff. You know you should be VERY VERY careful.
The Other man looks especially attractive because of the s**t your in at the moment.
Why do you HAVE to be with a man or someone?
You have to remember through the crap and realize there was a time that the H was pretty pleasing to you. You wrote that kinda. Not saying at all you should stay with H but maybe some distance and settling for yourself before jumping to the next thing.
I know it feels like a boat is leaving and you need to be on it, but you dont want to be back here in 3 years writing the same thing. Take some time to yourself. Understand why you make the choices you do, and take your time deciding that someone is the real one for you.

my two cents.

good luck...

And no flaming from me. No one has the manual. We're all just bumping our way through


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Never, ever, ever leave one relationship to start another - it never works out. The new guy looks wonderful to you, but do you know what it will be like living with him, you don't know if it won't be the same story on a different day.

It sounds like you've picked 2 men for the wrong reasons already, you need to go to counseling and figure out why you are looking for something that these men possessed and figure out how to fulfill that for yourself. Then, and only then, should you start a relationship with anyone. When you are comfortable with yourself and don't "need" a man to fulfill you.

Everyone always say they are looking for the better half...I personally don't want half a person, I want a whole person.


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## bella_b (Feb 6, 2010)

When I take away the kids and the husband (and the lover) I am an independent person who is quite comfortable being alone. I'm capable of looking after the kids, working, doing house stuff. I will be cut and feel a little lonely because I've spent so long with another adult in the house, but I know I will deal with everyday life quite well. As long as I know my kids are looked after. I will put them first, which is why H and I should reconsider our marriage regardless if there is an outsider. They deserve a happier home, and if mom and dad apart makes mom and dad happier, the kids will eventually adjust. It would be an amicable split, with shared custody and parents who can still be friends. That all we are now anyway. 
Look, I don't feel the need to be in a relationship. I'm older and wiser now and realized my decision as a 19yo single mom was wrong. I shouldn't have looked for someone who could step up to the plate. I learned from that, so I'm not in a hurry to do it again. Like I said, me and the lover agreed to take our time and come together when the time would be right. We know one another is there. Over time, as wounds heal and the situation levels out, we can tell if its time to come together or maybe it isn't right after all. I'm not looking through rose-colored glasses. I can see the mess. . I will need time to heal and sort my own crap out before I can consider going whole heartedly for this guy. I can't love him entirely until then. I gotta put my kids first, me second, my heart last.
I'm treading things carefully with the new guy. everything on his side is very unstable. Shared house, no job atm (he's just returned from living overseas) but he gets an income based on commission. He works in the arts so there is an income, just no 'job'. 

The husband was pretty pleasing at one stage, but we were practically kids. We talked about this, and we both agreed we never had a good start. I confessed I was being different and so did he. We started off dishonest and hiding behind facades. Im not making that same mistake with this new guy. He gets me as I am and it's not pretty at times. there are no games, no hiding and no lies. i promised myself I wouldn't make the same mistake. If im going to make something of this, its going to be real. I'm not perfect, so i'm not going to pretend like I did with my H.

Haha, better half is the stupidest term, I agree, there is no half. I hate when people say 'better half'!

Take the new man out and just help me with this... what condition is my marriage in? Is it approaching a point of no return when we both feel resentment and unloving toward each other? It is actually somewhat reasonable to leave or am I just so fed up I'm just ready to give up? I just feel like we got together for the wrong reasons, let alone married. We deserve better than each other, IMO, but what's yours?

thanks for the replies guys  just thought I'd explain a lil bit. and (like with my lover) i'm being honest and upfront. Something has to be done once and for all, even if it is going to be painstakingly slow


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Well - no one here can tell you which you should do. I think giving counseling a shot is never a miss. A third party can help you talk through things better than you can on your own.

As I see it you have two options

1) Give up the "lover" completely and throw yourself completly into working and fixing on your marriage.

2) Divorce your current husband and pursue a relationship with lover.

You can NOT work on fixing your marriage if you are still in contact with the other man. HE is your emotional support and you can't have that there (someone to run to when things get rough) and work on your marriage.

Do you think you owe it to your husband and your child to at least try and fix what you have? You are only 2 years in.

I followed almost your exact steps. Had a child at 18, married her dad at 21, got divorced at 25. I took a while making sure my current husband was right for me. I got remarried at 27. I know where you've been and where you are.


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## bella_b (Feb 6, 2010)

I've been working and trying to fix this marriage BEFORE the lover came along. 
I've tried talking to him and we aired everything openly without fighting but I always end up getting blamed and believing that everything is my fault. Even if it is my fault, it's his too. We're a COUPLE. That's two people, yet everything is about me, it's never him. He will listen and act all lovely and we kiss and make up but as soon as we wake up the next morning it's all the same. He said yeah lets go to a counselor then when push came to shove he backed right out and now won't budge, making up the worst excuses (expensive, stupid, they don't know us, they just won't understand). His mentality is 'we can fix it without help from others or it's over'. I feel as though he's just waiting for me to walk out because he's too much a coward to do it himself.
Sure I owe it to our child but I'm so exhausted with me addressing and him forgetting/ignoring I'm just so fed up. I'm doing all the work and can't even see results. It's no wonder my heart went walkabout. He just can't be there for me emotionally. He hasn't for about 3 years now, when we got engaged.
Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy and we have a really good friendship, but a friendship is really all we have at the moment.

BTW, the lover is my emotional rock. The H rolls over and I'm left alone to cry myself to sleep. He just doesn't seem to care about my feelings anymore.  He ignores my text messages when I say 'I'm having a bad day today' then wonders why I'm a wreck when he gets home from work.
I just don't understand how he can be so impassive and apathetic. The man is like a robot sometimes


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Did you marry my ex's twin  - very familiar story (getting blamed for everything, etc). We both cheated in the end (past an emotional affair which is where you are now) - I just got to the point where I shut down and wouldn't talk to him about anything...I only got yelled at that we weren't going to make the problem his fault - it was ok to be my fault though . 

Believe me, even if you are going to end it, the guilt will wear on both you and your lover in the future if you use it as an enabler to divorce. I think you need to take a break and not talk or have contact with lover for a few months...tell your husband that if he doesn't start counseling then your leaving, you can't deal with it anymore. Make a clean break with a clean mind.

I've been there...I still have guilt for what I allowed myself to do because I felt I deserved it because of the way my husband treated me. It is a choice and its wrong to do that to someone you are married to, even if they are like your husband. It is better just to walk away - the damage all the way around will be easier. If your daughter finds out that another man played a part in breaking you and her dad up (I know he's not her real dad, but he's been the man of the house her whole life) she is going to have some issues with him if you guys end up together.


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## bella_b (Feb 6, 2010)

funny u say that... my H is a twin LOL

i just don't know. its all much easier said than done


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I understand. I wish I had just left my husband instead of doing what I did, but that is in hindsight. At the time I thought, I'm not hurting anyone because I'm not neglecting my husband and he'll never know. But in the end it wasn't the harm to him that got me....it was the harm to myself by compromising the morals I had always had because I felt justified.

If you want to leave him...leave him because he's not the man for you, because he refuses to work on the marriage, etc. Don't leave him because another man gives you the warm and fuzzies and your wishing for a dream. He can't compare to the other man right now because you will always always go back to him the minute husband does something wrong. If you remove the tempation you can view you marriage clearly and make the decision to stay or go based only on your marriage and not on what could be waiting.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are having an affair. NOTHING you say or think is REAL until you agree to NEVER EVER see this other man AGAIN - for the rest of your life.

Only THEN can you make an honest, honorable decision. Any other decision you make is a LIE and selfish.


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## bella_b (Feb 6, 2010)

I'd probably still be considering at least a separation from my H regardless of this interest in L. I was thinking about it before L came along but just said to myself "I'll keep trying to get H to see things differently. He will change for the better. He will see eventually. I have to keep trying, My kids need me to."
I realize now i was making up excuses, and blaming myself because maybe I wasn't being a good wife. After some serious thought I know that's not true, because I'm the one putting in all the effort to save what's left and he's in his own little world, thinking this is what a marriage is (except it needs more sex *skin crawl*). Now I see how someone else can treat me with so little effort, I know my H doesn't treat me anything like a husband should. Even his friends tell me H is a damn lucky guy because I let him do his boy things and encourage him to do things he loves. I bend over backwards for that man and he takes it for granted. All his guy friends tell me I do, so why can't they tell him? It's not me that needs to know, H needs to know!! Man, boys suck!! I know the next girl to come along is going to send him sideways, but it will be too late to come back by then. 
Only thing after the split is the "I've changed, I promise," story I'm going to get. I had that with the ex and it all just went back the same and was a waste of time because he abused me even more. (that relationship was emotionally abusive by the way, although he physically hurt me a few times... while pregnant :/). 
I don't want to be emotionally sneaking around behind H's back. He may not be the best H but he doesn't deserve that as a PERSON. It makes ME the bad guy, and him the victim. He's not a victim. He's just an inexperienced human. I don't want to leave because of someone else, I want to leave because I just can't feel the same way about him. He could rectify this damage, but I know deep down inside he's wishing he didn't have to try so hard. He's a lazy husband and he doesn't understand marriages need constant work. And A LOT of it. It's not signing a certificate and slipping on a ring. That's a WEDDING. I feel he wanted a wedding and not a marriage. does that sound kind of right?

Thanks TNgirl for your view. I really do feel so much better talking about this. Our stories do sound the same though, don't they? I think it's time to separate but I'm not going to pursue L straight away. I know he will wait for me when I'm ready. Quite frankly it feels odd to have someone in the wings, ready to outstretch their hand and say 'Welcome to the life you deserve' when I'm ready for it. I've never had something so nice gestured toward me.

What I have learned based on my personal experience: Don't marry a man who has NEVER had ANY experience loving another woman other than his mother. He will end up loving you like her.


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## bella_b (Feb 6, 2010)

Turnera, I have been nothing but selfless for my H and he has done nothing but taken it for granted.
The lover isn't the major problem. It is my husband and his lack of effort to save our marriage. Call me selfish all you like for having an affair, but he could've saved it by giving a damn and giving something back from the very beginning.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is a third option: stop all contact with the OM, decide about your marriage, and then act accordingly. You can't decide about the marriage with another man in the picture--and you can't "take him out of it" without really taking him out of it. 

Unless you let go of OM, you'll never know what YOU really want. You are risking your kids' happiness with a divorce-yes, it can be ok, but that takes a lot of time and energy on your part and, frankly, your undivided attention. You won't be giving them that if you are even slowly building a new relationship. And what happens to them if it doesn't work out? On to the next new man in their lives? 

Your kids need time to adjust to not being with mom and dad full-time. It's big. And you cannot hurry it. Whatever arrangement you work out, it will stress them at first. The more you do to smooth their way, the less stressful it will be. Give them the gift of making decisions with the clarity that comes from letting go of a very seductive possibility and facing the here-and-now. You'll be glad you did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NO ONE will believe a thing you say unless you stop ALL contact with this other man - for life. If he wasn't the reason you're leaving, then you should have no problem leaving HIM as well. If you don't, then you're a cheater, AND a liar.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> There is a third option: stop all contact with the OM, decide about your marriage, and then act accordingly. You can't decide about the marriage with another man in the picture--and you can't "take him out of it" without really taking him out of it.
> 
> Unless you let go of OM, you'll never know what YOU really want. You are risking your kids' happiness with a divorce-yes, it can be ok, but that takes a lot of time and energy on your part and, frankly, your undivided attention. You won't be giving them that if you are even slowly building a new relationship. And what happens to them if it doesn't work out? On to the next new man in their lives?
> 
> Your kids need time to adjust to not being with mom and dad full-time. It's big. And you cannot hurry it. Whatever arrangement you work out, it will stress them at first. The more you do to smooth their way, the less stressful it will be. Give them the gift of making decisions with the clarity that comes from letting go of a very seductive possibility and facing the here-and-now. You'll be glad you did.


dingdingdingdingdingdingding WINNER.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's not going to listen to us. She came here wanting to be told it's ok to trash her family so she can scr&w this guy, and she didn't get it.


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## bella_b (Feb 6, 2010)

turnera, WTH?? That's just all I can say.

WELL... FYI the affair is called off and I'm back with the husband trying to sort things out. It doesn't look hopeful but my time away has made him look at things more in depth and last night we had a chat. I was blown away by the things he said. turns out he's hidden a LOT from me so we're onto a WHOOOOLE new chapter. We're going to try and sort it out as best we can but we're both prepared to call it a day if we just can't figure it out. We're just not as compatible as we first thought.

I DO appreciate everyone's help and I WAS listening. I just wanted to explain everything so no details were missed. 

I've quickly learned that discussing these things on forums isn't right. This place won't be hearing from me again.

Now if you excuse me, I have a marriage to save.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Good luck bella! You'll find that this topic specifically is very polarized. Most who have been cheated on, and not recovered well from it, will be the most vehement in their responses on what a bad person you are for what you've done. (They are speaking from a hurting place and strike out at anyone similar to those who have hurt them. which from their position is understandable) They don't realize that they haven't walked in your shoes and they shouldn't make judgments about your overall person based on one posting. Most here provide good advice, and not just through out accusations. Please feel welcome to discuss things while you are trying to work through your issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm glad to hear you have left the OM. I have every confidence you can rebuild your marriage, if you are both trying and there isn't a third party involved. That's all I was asking you to do.


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