# Help going through a separation possible divorce



## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

Ive been married to my wife for 9 1/2 years she asked me for a divorce at 1st but then changed it to separation with a 6 month window to fix things. i moved out on oct 1st and on oct 3rd she started talking to another man, hes nothing like me at all and i dont know him either. she said she needs time to find herself and be happy and i respect that because i want this to work. i cant help but look at the call info and see they talk alot. i did research and found out this person. i need your advise things seem to be ok with us but she doesnt text back as fast because i assume shes with him. should i confrtont this guy and tell him that shes my wife and im trying to make things work and to leave her alone or just do my best to make my wife happy while she plays the field with this guy. i really dont want to lose her to him but she gets mad when i bring him up. tonight we were texting because i was at work and couldnt talk but i got home and seen she had a 70 min phone conversation with him while we were texting. that hurts me so bad. i want to try my hardest to fix our marriage but just knowing that hes in her life alot and fast i dont know if i can find the strength threw my broken heart to fight and give 100% effort.what do i do please help!!!!


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I hate to say this but your wife has you sitting there as plan B, if things don't work out with this guy she will come running back.

You should have never moved out of your home, you can not fix a marriage living apart.

Do you have a no dating rule during your separation or any kind of rules for that matter?

I suggest you pack up and move home to try and fix your marriage, if she does not want you back file for divorce. Or just sit around waiting to see if it works out with this other guy and hope she comes back.

Would you really want a woman back after she slept with another man?

You are going to have to man up with this situation, but most likely when she got you out the door it was already over.


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

we have rules that say we can date but if either person meets someone and it gets serious to inform the other so we can file for divorce


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

davidsfresh said:


> we have rules that say we can date but if either person meets someone and it gets serious to inform the other so we can file for divorce


So, you have an open relationship?


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

i had the intentions of finding someone else since she just gave up on us but i dont want anyone else. she cant have childern and we have tried IVF 5 times with no luck shes emotional and i just didnt know exactly what to do at the time but now that im on my own we talk but as the person said before im plan B Now and that hurts me so much


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

Should I confront him about it though or just leave it alone?




Lostme said:


> I hate to say this but your wife has you sitting there as plan B, if things don't work out with this guy she will come running back.
> 
> You should have never moved out of your home, you can not fix a marriage living apart.
> 
> ...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Understanding exactly where you are is always mixed with wondering why you find yourself there and if you have a solid enough foothold on the path to keep from slipping back... but this is more than just a light trail, you are going to need to rope up and prepare for the tough climb.

For her and realizing her intent to have this advantage, absence will not make her heart grow for you. You need to find the confidence to reinsert yourself into her way, it may not go as you wish as challenges often don't, but your best first effort is to be a known in her progress of testing other waters... you cannot control her choices in this, nor would you want to because her heart will never come back freely, but your level of acceptance for self (respect, worth, love) should be an immobile pillar for her to walk around, not just cast aside... more or less so noticed it is in her way and you can't do that if you are not engaged in the area of the same path.

It will be hard, but ignore the other guy unless you find out he is married... then share what you know with his wife without embellishment, she deserves to know if this the case.

You made a decision to give her space, but you can change this and it's yours to do so if you wish. If you move back in, you are going to have to face her distance... she has made the choice to walk away from your relationship for whatever reason, offer her a rope-bridge back to you... if she doesn't take it let her know that you will help her legalize her choice and bring in the paperwork to do so but if you do, this is not something to bluff with, you have to have boundaries for yourself for healing to begin... know, understand, and live them while believing in yourself. The top of the mountain you reach may not be the one you intended to climb, but it is nonetheless a success when you reach there.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

davidsfresh said:


> i had the intentions of finding someone else since she just gave up on us but i dont want anyone else. she cant have childern and we have tried IVF 5 times with no luck shes emotional and i just didnt know exactly what to do at the time but now that im on my own we talk but as the person said before im plan B Now and that hurts me so much


Have you tried counseling after the IVF didn't work? 
I don't think that you're plan B, but all those unresolved issues that comes with the fact that you both cannot have children together. 
It brings up so many emotions and feelings, left unresolved, can be disastrous to a marriage. 
Other man is a distraction from those feelings, but it's a dangerous line, you need to communicate to her how you feel, calmly. Discuss both your futures and getting therapy. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Whose idea was it to date while separated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You have an agreement that you can date, so she's not doing anything that wasn't agreed to. Why do you want to confront this guy? 

Is your focus misplaced right now? You should be addressing the issues that led to you leaving the house. If she's the one that asked for divorce (then changed mind to separation), then why were you the one that left the house?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Whose idea was it to date while separated?


I have seen this in action, the acceptance is often a mirage and expectations are never aligned in the end... don't believe I've ever see a couple "recouple" from it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I have seen this in action, the acceptance is often a mirage and expectations are never aligned in the end... don't believe I've ever see a couple "recouple" from it.


For sure, I think it's a terrible idea. It amounts to the separated person jerking other people around while they decide if they want to stay married or if they can do better.

I was just wondering who suggested it.....he mentions that he intended to find someone else, which makes me wonder if he suggested it and then got upset when she found someone else.

That's why I was hoping he'd clarify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

Thank you 



Emerging Buddhist said:


> Understanding exactly where you are is always mixed with wondering why you find yourself there and if you have a solid enough foothold on the path to keep from slipping back... but this is more than just a light trail, you are going to need to rope up and prepare for the tough climb.
> 
> For her and realizing her intent to have this advantage, absence will not make her heart grow for you. You need to find the confidence to reinsert yourself into her way, it may not go as you wish as challenges often don't, but your best first effort is to be a known in her progress of testing other waters... you cannot control her choices in this, nor would you want to because her heart will never come back freely, but your level of acceptance for self (respect, worth, love) should be an immobile pillar for her to walk around, not just cast aside... more or less so noticed it is in her way and you can't do that if you are not engaged in the area of the same path.
> 
> ...


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

I just gave up quickly and wanted her to be happy so I suggested it. I made a few bad decisions in this separation already but she's showing me she cares still I think or she's doing it so I relax as she continues to build a relationship with this new guy. I'm torn I just don't want her to get her eyes off the ball ( the end goal of her finding happiness in herself and making us work again) with the distraction from this new guy 


lifeistooshort said:


> Emerging Buddhist said:
> 
> 
> > I have seen this in action, the acceptance is often a mirage and expectations are never aligned in the end... don't believe I've ever see a couple "recouple" from it.
> ...


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

She has communication problems and refuses to get counseling witch is a reason we are where we are now 



MrsAldi said:


> Have you tried counseling after the IVF didn't work?
> I don't think that you're plan B, but all those unresolved issues that comes with the fact that you both cannot have children together.
> It brings up so many emotions and feelings, left unresolved, can be disastrous to a marriage.
> Other man is a distraction from those feelings, but it's a dangerous line, you need to communicate to her how you feel, calmly. Discuss both your futures and getting therapy.
> ...


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

davidsfresh said:


> Should I confront him about it though or just leave it alone?


You need to let her go and file for divorce. Quit talking to her. She will only come back
if this guy falls thru. Is that what you want?


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## davidsfresh (Oct 18, 2016)

No thanks for the help



ButtPunch said:


> You need to let her go and file for divorce. Quit talking to her. She will only come back
> if this guy falls thru. Is that what you want?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

davidsfresh said:


> No thanks for the help


Hey man we have all been in your shoes. We all have been thru the pain. 
Everyone here can see what is happening. Your best chance of saving your 
marriage is to let her go and move on. 

She has a new love interest. If you sit around and pander for her, she will
lose whatever respect she has left for you. 

Trust me. There's nothing you can do to fix this. Any reconciliation from this point
has to be her idea. The harder you push for it, the less attractive you become and 
the OM becomes even sexier.

Not being a D*ck, just speaking from experience.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

davidsfresh said:


> She has communication problems and refuses to get counseling which is a reason we are where we are now


Okay, which issues does she not want to discuss with you?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Are you in California by any chance? It seems she's trying to stretch the marriage past the 10 year point before divorcing you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

davidsfresh said:


> I just gave up quickly and wanted her to be happy so I suggested it. I made a few bad decisions in this separation already but she's showing me she cares still I think or she's doing it so I relax as she continues to build a relationship with this new guy. I'm torn I just don't want her to get her eyes off the ball ( the end goal of her finding happiness in herself and making us work again) with the distraction from this new guy


Your problem is (despite the fact that you think so little of yourself that you are willing to watch your wife date another man in hopes she will come running back to you) you are foolishly believing that her intent is to preserve the marriage.

Someone with the intent to work towards the marriage does not do so in another person's bed.

A person who loves his/her self does not willingly stand for this type of situation.

Aren't you sick and tired of being sick and tired?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Last time I checked, reconnecting with your wife != throwing her to the wolves. 

You're going to ensure she stays in a state of limbo or that she can never decide to be satisfied by just you. She'll always be wondering if there is more she is missing out on by not testing the waters elsewhere.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Are you in California by any chance? It seems she's trying to stretch the marriage past the 10 year point before divorcing you.


QFT

The 10 year mark means alimony kicks it up a gear in alot
of states. She could be waiting to hit the date before filing.

What state are you in?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

davidsfresh said:


> I just gave up quickly and wanted her to be happy so I suggested it. I made a few bad decisions in this separation already but she's showing me she cares still I think or she's doing it so I relax as she continues to build a relationship with this new guy. I'm torn I just don't want her to get her eyes off the ball ( the end goal of her finding happiness in herself and making us work again) with the distraction from this new guy


 Is there a chance she saw that suggestion as you just looking to date others? 

Women won't receive that message well.....tells them you don't care.

Tell her she either wants to be married or not, and if so new guy's got to go. If not then file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

davidsfresh said:


> Ive been married to my wife for 9 1/2 years she asked me for a divorce at 1st but then changed it to separation with a 6 month window to fix things. i moved out on oct 1st and on oct 3rd she started talking to another man, hes nothing like me at all and i dont know him either. she said she needs time to find herself and be happy and i respect that because i want this to work. i cant help but look at the call info and see they talk alot. i did research and found out this person. i need your advise things seem to be ok with us but she doesnt text back as fast because i assume shes with him. should i confrtont this guy and tell him that shes my wife and im trying to make things work and to leave her alone or just do my best to make my wife happy while she plays the field with this guy. i really dont want to lose her to him but she gets mad when i bring him up. tonight we were texting because i was at work and couldnt talk but i got home and seen she had a 70 min phone conversation with him while we were texting. that hurts me so bad. i want to try my hardest to fix our marriage but just knowing that hes in her life alot and fast i dont know if i can find the strength threw my broken heart to fight and give 100% effort.what do i do please help!!!!





davidsfresh said:


> we have rules that say we can date but if either person meets someone and it gets serious to inform the other so we can file for divorce


/facepalm

Wake the Hell up already, man...

You don't date others while separated if the stated aim of the separation is to mend the marriage.

She didn't want to separate to fix things between the two of you -- she wanted to separate in order to ease into single life on your time and dime.

Geez.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

davidsfresh said:


> Should I confront him about it though or just leave it alone?


He's not your problem. Take that approach and you'll have to confront one guy after another, and then another, etc.

Tell your wife to cut the bullsh*t, drop the dude for good, and come back to the marriage or you're filing for divorce ASAP.

Same goes for you -- if you want your wife and marriage, you need to drop anyone that you're seeing, even casually, and recommit.

Also, get back into your home. If she wants to leave then she can leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

davidsfresh said:


> Ive been married to my wife for 9 1/2 years she asked me for a divorce at 1st but then changed it to separation with a 6 month window to fix things. i moved out on oct 1st and on oct 3rd she started talking to another man, hes nothing like me at all and i dont know him either. *she said she needs time to find herself and be happy *and i respect that because i want this to work. i cant help but look at the call info and see they talk alot. i did research and found out this person. i need your advise things seem to be ok with us but she doesnt text back as fast because i assume shes with him. should i confrtont this guy and tell him that shes my wife and im trying to make things work and to leave her alone or just do my best to make my wife happy while she plays the field with this guy. i really dont want to lose her to him but she gets mad when i bring him up. tonight we were texting because i was at work and couldnt talk but i got home and seen she had a 70 min phone conversation with him while we were texting. that hurts me so bad. i want to try my hardest to fix our marriage but just knowing that hes in her life alot and fast i dont know if i can find the strength threw my broken heart to fight and give 100% effort.what do i do please help!!!!


Well, that's true. Only thing is it won't be with you. A lot of people need time to 'find themselves'. It doesn't always involve jumping into a new relationship right away. Especially when married.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

davidsfresh said:


> I just gave up quickly and wanted her to be happy so I suggested it. I made a few bad decisions in this separation already but she's showing me she cares still I think or she's doing it so I relax as she continues to build a relationship with this new guy. I'm torn I just don't want her to get her eyes off the ball ( the end goal of her finding happiness in herself and making us work again) with the distraction from this new guy


Hate to break it to you, but there IS no "ball" for her to have her eye on. Your wife LIED to you. She didn't want to separate to find herself, or have space, or work on the marriage. She is DONE with the marriage and clearly has moved on to another man. Right in front of you, even, yet you still sit there in denial that your marriage is over. This separation was not to work on the marriage, but to end it. (which she is waiting for YOU to do, so she doesn't look like the bad guy, and to keep you as her safety net for when this guy she is banging doesn't work out)


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

davidsfresh said:


> No thanks for the help


You are in limbo and that is a truly unhealthy place. You are receiving advice from very experienced

posters who have seen your VERY same script play out. She is test driving another guy. If it 

don't work out, she's stringing you along as fall back Plan B. Do you want to be 2nd choice?

You have indicated you want the M to work.... she is not complying. Have D papers

drawn up today. Have her served. You want her to talk to you... bet the farm she will 

when she receives the D papers. If you are certain there is a POSOM... blow it up, expose it

An affair fog is simply a pretend fantasy. She has a free pass to go wild knowing you will sit at home

and do nothing about it. She has lost respect for you. Below are a couple links which can 

help you start this process.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

The Healing Heart: The 180

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Hey buddy sorry that your here but this is the best place for you now.

You are reading that you are second choice. I know you don't want to believe this ( I didn't) but it couldn't be more true and ill tell you this, once you are second choice you will ALWAYS be second choice. This is what I needed to realize prior to believing. I learned the hard way....

If it doesn't work out with this guy, she will keep looking to replace you and once she does you will be dropped like you never even exsisted. I know its hard to hear, im sorry. YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER...This is a clear fact. You need to take steps now to end it. File for D asap. Keep your dignity!

Now, you will hear people say you can always try and date her later on, after all is done and shes shown remorse. I wouldn't keep this as hope, its more of a fantasy. After all, would you really want to date someone who thought of you as second choice?


Dude, this sh$t is tough. A lot of us are showing you the playbook from our own beats. Use this knowledge. File and get everything you can while shes still in lala land


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

unbe said:


> Hey buddy sorry that your here but this is the best place for you now.
> 
> You are reading that you are second choice. I know you don't want to believe this ( I didn't) but it couldn't be more true and ill tell you this, once you are second choice you will ALWAYS be second choice. This is what I needed to realize prior to believing. I learned the hard way....
> 
> ...


OP...... Unbe is a very recent D survivor. Has a current thread... may want to check it out.

OP... are you paying any of her bills? If so... STOP. Separate your finances NOW.

Pay only what is in your name. If she is getting any financial support from you... end it.

If she wants to frolic off with POSOM... she can pay her own way or the POSOM can.

More often than not... when a WW lets the POSOM know she wants to now, be with him, POSOM runs 

like the wind. Enter where she will run back to her Plan B... you.

Unbe mentioned posters told him people could date AFTER a D and the dust has settled. 

I was one who did... but this is after child custody is set, child support, all financial and asset matters

ironed out. But by then... the desire to re-connect has long passed.

Again..... I highly recommend OP read Unbe's thread.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ong-sotry-prob-familar-need-some-support.html


a ton of great advice in there...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh yeah...why the hell did YOU move out of the house when SHE is the one who wanted to separate?? Get back into your house...TODAY. She cant tell you not to, she has no right to make you leave!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Missed that........ 3x is correct, move back TONIGHT! Would you want to be paying the lights, water,

cable, net, mortgage, mortgage ins, property tax while SHE was with another man in your bed?

Go home... smile... "Good evening my darling wife... what's for dinner?"


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Is there a chance she saw that suggestion as you just looking to date others?
> 
> *Women won't receive that message well.....tells them you don't care.*
> 
> ...


OP This^^^^^ is HUGE.

Dating others was your idea...right? She is doing what you suggested. 

You really only have 2 choices here....Tell her the separation is over, move back home and work on your marriage...she will probably respond well to you showing her that she DOES have value, that you DO want her and her alone, that you WON'T give up on your marriage. 

Or....file the papers and end both of your suffering. If you don't think her hearing you say that you want to date others hurt.....imagine how you felt when you heard about the other guy.....she felt at least that when you told that dating others was "Ok". She probably felt kicked in the teeth. 

What is it that you actually want?


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## bwent (Oct 20, 2016)

If you want her back, be up front about what you want, how you want it and that a separation is not something you are comfortable moving forward with. Be direct. When I separated from my spouse, I wanted him to work on things with me, desperately. Instead, he asked if we could openly date or sleep with other people. I was shocked and so sad. I gave in, despite not being comfortable and it felt like a kick in the guts. Like our separation was just an excuse to fiddle around with others. When I went on my first real date, I knew I couldn't do it anymore and left my husband. He seemed shocked by this.

Dating other people doesn't help or work and sometimes a person just wants a gesture or a response. Show her you're dedicated and if she doesn't want to work on it, move on, get the divorce. Otherwise it's just torture. Trust me.


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