# Separation, wife says I am abandoning her



## probswithwife (Nov 8, 2013)

My previous two posts some up what I have been going through for over a year:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...on/139185-problems-wife-not-sure-what-do.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/177186-not-sure-divorce-work.html

While we both made some efforts to fix the marriage, every fight put me a few steps back. I have no confidence that her personality and mine would mesh well. 

So today, I said I am sorry that we are here. But somewhere in the last few months I lost the deeper connection with her and now I am not sure if I am in love with her (no love / intimacy over 8 months). I said I do not see a future for us. Then she said, I am abandoning her during her tough times (her trying to cut all ties with her parents) and that she would never do something like that. But most of my support activities go unnoticed. She holds a ton of anger, resentment, and spite towards several people that is not letting her be happy in life. I am sure she is going to be angry as hell at me for leaving her. But I just do not see a future.

Now I feel guilty and bad. I am not sure if I am being selfish or if she is trying to manipulate me. I still care about her but would be happy to support her as friend. But I do not think we can make each other happy in marriage. 

I am torn.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

probswithwife said:


> I am sure she is going to be angry as hell at me for leaving her.


She's an angry person altogether, because she's angry about the past. Anger at the past is an enormously frustrating emotion. It's a well that never fills. You can never be angry enough that the past changes. 

Anger and control both stem from fear. You fear something bad will happen, so you try to control everything to prevent the "bad thing" from occurring. And anger is a shield from fear. Anger feels like you have more control than the helplessness that fear has. 

She has issues that need resolving. However, that does not mean she needs to re-live her past. There are two ways to resolve her issues. One way is to look back and open up, but that is hard to do from the place where she's at right now. In any case, in a way, the past doesn't matter. (Collective gasp from psychologists everywhere). She lives in the present. Her moods exist in the present. Therefore,_ they must be changed in the present_. You can never go back and reverse a mood you had yesterday. You can only change the now. She can do things that make her happy now. Eventually, the good feelings will replace the bad. If something still needs to be addressed, she will have the strength to look at it from that more positive place. 

Let me know if you think she might be open to the latter part of what I wrote. I have quite a bit of techniques I can share.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

probswithwife said:


> I think my wife might have BPD. She is depressed and suffers from insomnia. There has never been a gray area for her. After 15 sessions of MC we have no progress. She did go through abuse during childhood which I came to know 2 years after our wedding (we dated 3 years). She is refusing to accept that she has victim mentality and be pretty strong and offensive towards people who try to help her.


PWW, I agree that many of the behaviors you describe seem to be classic warning signs for having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If your W is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), it would explain why the 16 sessions of MC were a waste of time. Until a BPDer has had several years of weekly therapy to address her more serious issues, it will not be useful to teach her better communication skills (which is what MCs are so good at doing).



probswithwife said:


> She herself says she might have OCD or Asperger's syndrome. She cleans and cleans and cleans and gets really mad if things are not OK. [Your 11/8/13 post.]


If she is a BPDer, her also having OCD would not be a surprise. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 24% of female BPDers also have co-occurring OCD. Indeed, the vast majority of BPDers have one or two co-occurring PDs (personality disorders such as OCD) plus at least one "clinical disorder" (e.g., depression, GAD, bipolar, or adult ADHD). See Table 3 in the 2008 study.



probswithwife said:


> Most of my support activities go unnoticed.


If she is a BPDer as you suspect, she is simply incapable of appreciating any of your sacrifices for very long. With my BPDer exW, for example, I sometimes got appreciation lasting for a week or two if I spent a very large sum of money on a piano or jewelry. That appreciation would quickly evaporate, however. And I found it impossible to build up a store of appreciation on which to draw during the hard times. The main reason is that a BPDer's "reality" is whatever intense feelings she is experiencing at this very moment. Hence, as soon as a new wave of intense feelings floods her mind, her past feelings toward you are pushed aside.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You cannot be what saves her. Therapy MIGHT, but not you. 

Help her by forcing her to face this stuff on her own. Maybe, after years of therapy, she might become stable enough to be a good partner.


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