# For Inspiration - and a Warning



## LeighRichwood

I just wanted to post a little bit of my story to give inspiration and encouragement to others who are trying to stay married.

My husband was involved in his affair for about a year before I finally got the nerve to find out for sure and get the details. Things were terribly wrong in our marriage and I had the feeling that he was having an affair, but it took a long time for me to admit it to myself.

After I confronted him with the facts and evidence I had, things were terrible. We were back and forth for months. He continued to lie and I continued to call his hand on every lie I caught him in.

I had decided that I would not leave or file for divorce. I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her. 

After about 10 months of more pain and torture, he finally ended it with her. He gave me proof and started being completely transparent in his actions. He gave me access to his emails, phone, and his schedule. He stopped being secretive and absent. He started showing me love again. 

None of this happened over night and it wasn't a fairy tale road. There were setbacks along the way. It took years to rebuild trust.

His affair ended about 4 years ago. We are happy together again. We have fun and laugh and love. I still keep an eye on what he does and I rarely have to look at his email or his phone anymore. The reason I don't have to look into those things is that he often asks me to look on his phone to get something or get information out of his email. 

His behavior and general attitude is completely different and he's back to being the man I fell in love with.

I hope this gives a little bit of hope to someone who is struggling. Of course, every situation is different and every spouse is different. I just want people to see that it can happen.

The warning is that it doesn't come easy and it isn't guaranteed to stay good if the affair didn't change how you treat your marriage. Of course, that's a whole different subject - how you should be different when your marriage gets a second chance - and I will just leave that for another time!


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## sadwithouthim

LeighRichwood said:


> I just wanted to post a little bit of my story to give inspiration and encouragement to others who are trying to stay married.
> 
> My husband was involved in his affair for about a year before I finally got the nerve to find out for sure and get the details. Things were terribly wrong in our marriage and I had the feeling that he was having an affair, but it took a long time for me to admit it to myself.
> 
> After I confronted him with the facts and evidence I had, things were terrible. We were back and forth for months. He continued to lie and I continued to call his hand on every lie I caught him in.
> 
> I had decided that I would not leave or file for divorce. I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her.
> 
> After about 10 months of more pain and torture, he finally ended it with her. He gave me proof and started being completely transparent in his actions. He gave me access to his emails, phone, and his schedule. He stopped being secretive and absent. He started showing me love again.
> 
> None of this happened over night and it wasn't a fairy tale road. There were setbacks along the way. It took years to rebuild trust.
> 
> His affair ended about 4 years ago. We are happy together again. We have fun and laugh and love. I still keep an eye on what he does and I rarely have to look at his email or his phone anymore. The reason I don't have to look into those things is that he often asks me to look on his phone to get something or get information out of his email.
> 
> His behavior and general attitude is completely different and he's back to being the man I fell in love with.
> 
> I hope this gives a little bit of hope to someone who is struggling. Of course, every situation is different and every spouse is different. I just want people to see that it can happen.
> 
> The warning is that it doesn't come easy and it isn't guaranteed to stay good if the affair didn't change how you treat your marriage. Of course, that's a whole different subject - how you should be different when your marriage gets a second chance - and I will just leave that for another time!


I'm glad you were able to work it out. You are a strong women. Thanks for coming back to post. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LeighRichwood

Thank you so much! I appreciate the good wishes. All the best to you, too.


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## dalvin_au

Great work,

Quote: "I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her. "

I'm in a similiar situation - as I find myself not really liking the fact I have to submit to a divorce. In the meanwhile, my wife, is continuing the affair.

How did you cope when Hubby was having an affair still while you were effectively abandoned? The reason I ask is I am doing the same thing...albeit, I'm with my children.


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## chocolategeek

LeighRichwood said:


> I just wanted to post a little bit of my story to give inspiration and encouragement to others who are trying to stay married.
> 
> My husband was involved in his affair for about a year before I finally got the nerve to find out for sure and get the details. Things were terribly wrong in our marriage and I had the feeling that he was having an affair, but it took a long time for me to admit it to myself.
> 
> After I confronted him with the facts and evidence I had, things were terrible. We were back and forth for months. He continued to lie and I continued to call his hand on every lie I caught him in.
> 
> I had decided that I would not leave or file for divorce. I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her.
> 
> After about 10 months of more pain and torture, he finally ended it with her. He gave me proof and started being completely transparent in his actions. He gave me access to his emails, phone, and his schedule. He stopped being secretive and absent. He started showing me love again.
> 
> None of this happened over night and it wasn't a fairy tale road. There were setbacks along the way. It took years to rebuild trust.
> 
> His affair ended about 4 years ago. We are happy together again. We have fun and laugh and love. I still keep an eye on what he does and I rarely have to look at his email or his phone anymore. The reason I don't have to look into those things is that he often asks me to look on his phone to get something or get information out of his email.
> 
> His behavior and general attitude is completely different and he's back to being the man I fell in love with.
> 
> I hope this gives a little bit of hope to someone who is struggling. Of course, every situation is different and every spouse is different. I just want people to see that it can happen.
> 
> The warning is that it doesn't come easy and it isn't guaranteed to stay good if the affair didn't change how you treat your marriage. Of course, that's a whole different subject - how you should be different when your marriage gets a second chance - and I will just leave that for another time!


Your story sounds very similar to mine. Now we are back together and I would say ours is a successful R after 2 years total of hell. A lot of the time--especially in the first year of R--it is 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward. But my husband is a different man now, also regularly asks me to reply to text messages in his phone, read email, etc. I am still recovering from his PA, but we are doing really well.

So glad to read another happy reconciliation story on here. I wish you well and hope that your bond with your husband only grows stronger with time.


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## Almostrecovered

I have to ask

do you feel like you prolonged the process/limbo by telling him he needed to do the divorce instead of filing yourself?

That's 10 months you could have stopped his affair from continuing if you showed him you meant business by filing


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## This is me

I read Divorce Busters while we were seperated and in the limbo stage. Even though mine may have fallen away from an EA, it was more from the result of a Mid Life Crisis, which I believe is the reason many affairs happen.

The bottom line that kept me in the fight was having time on my side. After 3 months I gave her a choice, time together or divorce. It was a wake up call. I never wanted to be the one to call for divorce, so I gave her the choice to make.

She has been home for weeks now and we are slowly working back. More good than bad. Her fog seems to lift a little at a time.

Thanks for sharing this positive recap!


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## tm84

Thanks for posting your story. I'm on the other side of the fence as a WS and only at 9 months out from d-day. I am right in the "3 steps forward, 2 back" stage and some days it is really tough, but I'm trying to hang in there, as I know it's going to take some time before any kind of "normality" returns to our relationship. 

Thanks again for sharing.


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## LeighRichwood

dalvin_au said:


> Great work,
> 
> Quote: "I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her. "
> 
> I'm in a similiar situation - as I find myself not really liking the fact I have to submit to a divorce. In the meanwhile, my wife, is continuing the affair.
> 
> How did you cope when Hubby was having an affair still while you were effectively abandoned? The reason I ask is I am doing the same thing...albeit, I'm with my children.


Dalvin - it was a very difficult time for me and looking back on it I was just stubborn. I wouldn't give in and I wanted to make it hard for him to get out. I remember thinking that if I make it easy for him to get rid of me then I'll feel weak. 

I also thought that if I made it easy for him to leave me then he paid no price for the infidelity. Part of my thinking was that if he truly wants out of our marriage, then it at least needs to be difficult. I didn't want to give him a divorce on a silver platter because I wasn't a disposable wife.


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## LeighRichwood

chocolategeek - It's good to see another good story here. It's painful to see the difficulties people are going through and knowing that it just has to happen for them to find their own way.

I'm glad to see that your husband is a new man now. So is mine. I love the new him. 

I wish you well, too! Thanks for the good wishes!


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## LeighRichwood

Almostrecovered said:


> I have to ask
> 
> do you feel like you prolonged the process/limbo by telling him he needed to do the divorce instead of filing yourself?
> 
> That's 10 months you could have stopped his affair from continuing if you showed him you meant business by filing


I do sometimes feel that I prolonged it, but I still don't regret that I didn't file for D. I wanted to stay married. I was thinking about the rest of my life, not just the next year or so. However, I wouldn't have let this go on forever. I did have a 1 year deadline that was for myself. I did have everything ready to go and my plan in place in case I needed to pull the trigger.


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## LeighRichwood

This is me said:


> I read Divorce Busters while we were seperated and in the limbo stage. Even though mine may have fallen away from an EA, it was more from the result of a Mid Life Crisis, which I believe is the reason many affairs happen.
> 
> The bottom line that kept me in the fight was having time on my side. After 3 months I gave her a choice, time together or divorce. It was a wake up call. I never wanted to be the one to call for divorce, so I gave her the choice to make.
> 
> She has been home for weeks now and we are slowly working back. More good than bad. Her fog seems to lift a little at a time.
> 
> Thanks for sharing this positive recap!


Congratulations on the steps toward R. I truly hope things continue in a positive direction for you both. I think one of the things a BS must remember is to have patience. It's easy to walk into a trap of "poor me" and that will never help you get better. No matter if you end up in D or staying together - feeling sorry for yourself will only hurt you. While a WS is the offender, they often are going through difficulties of their own that can be quite complex. It may not be possible or even necessary to be compassionate, but patience is important to getting a good outcome. You may want a fast recovery, but I believe that fast isn't always sincere and lasting.


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## LeighRichwood

tm84 - I wish you and your wife all the best as you go through the process of recovery. It can be a twisted road, but when you get there it was well worth the struggle.

From my perspective as a BS, it is difficult to forgive but it can be done. The harder part, though, is the getting back to "normal" for most of us. We can forgive, but we have to create a new normal. For us, that was ongoing accountability on both our parts. I hadn't cheated, but I still show him my emails, text messages, and live my life in transparency for him. I require the same from him and get it with no argument. That was something that was missing from our life before his A.

It will come for you.


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## LeighRichwood

Sorry for seeming to abandon my post! I was away from my computer for the week and just able to get back to it today.


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## DownUnder

Leigh, thank you for sharing your story with us and it is very encouraging and inspiring.

May i ask you what happened that lifted your husband's affair fog? 
What makes him decide that he wants to reconcile for real the second time around? and how do you rebuild trust again? actually most importantly, how do you decide for yourself that you are willing to trust him again to start over?

i might be able to forgive my husband in the future but im not sure if i will be able to trust him again....he has broken my trust again and again, im not sure i can make (or willing) myself to go there again.


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## LeighRichwood

Hi DownUnder - my husband's fog took a while to go away. It didn't just go away one day. The process was kind of back and forth. I would think we were making headway and then he'd go back under. It took about 6 months for him to really get his head back on straight. 

I think he was in a place where he was trying to decide what he should do and he was also dealing with serious guilt. I think every situation and every person is different when they're trying to decide that they want to make the marriage work or not. In our case my husband was able to remember the commitment and understand that our relationship was really a complete package. One of the things he saw in me was dedication and support. That was our case, and won't be the same for everyone.

Rebuilding trust doesn't happen quickly. I also believe that you can't rebuild trust if you don't consciously decide that you will do that. A very important piece is that you must come to an understanding about what it will take to rebuild trust. Your husband needs to know how he can be trusted again and you need to be clear about what steps he can take to get there. He will need to be transparent. Another thing that many forget is that once you feel you trust him again, the transparency doesn't stop. Every marriage - whether there has been infidelity or not - should be transparent.

The way I decided that I wanted to work on our marriage was simple. I married him for better or worse. I wouldn't be in a marriage with a serial cheater, but I knew I needed to give him a chance if he would take it. That was based on my own values system. After that, if he hadn't been willing to do the work to regain my trust and work towards a better marriage I wouldn't have been interested in saving our marriage.

This is a really difficult decision to make - whether you should stay or go. For me it was simple, but it wasn't easy to make it work.

I would never encourage anyone to stay or go - you know your situation and I don't. It also depends on what kind of marriage you had prior to the infidelity. If things weren't happy before, then it may be more difficult to make it work after an affair.

The one thing I would say is that it may be worth it to give the process some time. Unless there's a pressing reason to get out, then you may benefit from being patient to see where things go.

I know this is a very difficult time, but I promise it does get better.


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## DownUnder

LeighRichwood said:


> Hi DownUnder - my husband's fog took a while to go away. It didn't just go away one day. The process was kind of back and forth. I would think we were making headway and then he'd go back under. It took about 6 months for him to really get his head back on straight.
> 
> I think he was in a place where he was trying to decide what he should do and he was also dealing with serious guilt. I think every situation and every person is different when they're trying to decide that they want to make the marriage work or not. In our case my husband was able to remember the commitment and understand that our relationship was really a complete package. One of the things he saw in me was dedication and support. That was our case, and won't be the same for everyone.
> 
> Rebuilding trust doesn't happen quickly. I also believe that you can't rebuild trust if you don't consciously decide that you will do that. A very important piece is that you must come to an understanding about what it will take to rebuild trust. Your husband needs to know how he can be trusted again and you need to be clear about what steps he can take to get there. He will need to be transparent. Another thing that many forget is that once you feel you trust him again, the transparency doesn't stop. Every marriage - whether there has been infidelity or not - should be transparent.
> 
> The way I decided that I wanted to work on our marriage was simple. I married him for better or worse. I wouldn't be in a marriage with a serial cheater, but I knew I needed to give him a chance if he would take it. That was based on my own values system. After that, if he hadn't been willing to do the work to regain my trust and work towards a better marriage I wouldn't have been interested in saving our marriage.
> 
> This is a really difficult decision to make - whether you should stay or go. For me it was simple, but it wasn't easy to make it work.
> 
> I would never encourage anyone to stay or go - you know your situation and I don't. It also depends on what kind of marriage you had prior to the infidelity. If things weren't happy before, then it may be more difficult to make it work after an affair.
> 
> The one thing I would say is that it may be worth it to give the process some time. Unless there's a pressing reason to get out, then you may benefit from being patient to see where things go.
> 
> I know this is a very difficult time, but I promise it does get better.


Leigh, can i just ask...was it your husband who asked for another chance? and how did he approach you on that? What i mean is, does he tell you that he will willing to give a full commitment and offer NC with the OW and willing to give you full transparency so that trust can be rebuilt between you?

At this moment i just can't see it happening because the false R that we just went thru is still very fresh and he just moved in with the OW last week.


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## This is me

LeighRichwood said:


> Sorry for seeming to abandon my post! I was away from my computer for the week and just able to get back to it today.


I think it is a good thing to leave the electronic behind every once in a while. We get to be the wayward ones from our computers. `~)

Welcome back!


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## This is me

Leigh, your thinking is right in line with mine. You say it so much better though. 

I look at it as if the WS is suffering with a temporary mental illness which a MLC really is when you think about it, and treat it as if they were suffering from a physical illness. They should get better eventually.

Mental illnesses are looked down in society where obvious physical ones are acceptable. They are all illnesses and should be given the same chance to recover.


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## DownUnder

This is me said:


> Leigh, your thinking is right in line with mine. You say it so much better though.
> 
> I look at it as if the WS is suffering with a temporary mental illness which a MLC really is when you think about it, and treat it as if they were suffering from a physical illness. They should get better eventually.
> 
> Mental illnesses are looked down in society where obvious physical ones are acceptable. They are all illnesses and should be given the same chance to recover.


TIM, im just wondering...what age does MLC usually strikes?


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## This is me

From my understanding in the 40's, my wife 46. When this all became public amoung my friends I must have had 10 of them tell me they went through a similar thought pattern of looking for a new better life. Some Premenstral.

MLCers blame the spouse for their own unhappiness since they are the one they are tied to. They believe if I can get away from this person they will be happy and find greener pastures, but they only end up taking their depression with them.

I read that 40's are not the only ago though. Some get it in their 50's, some 30's. Mid 40's is the norm.


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## DownUnder

This is me said:


> From my understanding in the 40's, my wife 46. When this all became public amoung my friends I must have had 10 of them tell me they went through a similar thought pattern of looking for a new better life. Some Premenstral.
> 
> MLCers blame the spouse for their own unhappiness since they are the one they are tied to. They believe if I can get away from this person they will be happy and find greener pastures, but they only end up taking their depression with them.
> 
> I read that 40's are not the only ago though. Some get it in their 50's, some 30's. Mid 40's is the norm.


well my H is turning 34 in a couple of weeks and my mother in law was with me last night when she asked "i wonder if he is going thru some kind of a midlife crisis? this is so not like him....its like he is not my son and definetely NOT the man you married" and i can't answer her on that...BUT at one stage last year my H told me he felt like his life was going backwards and he felt like he hasn't accomplished anything good in his life.

I really dont know if he is just in the middle of a really thick fog or a MLC.


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## coachman

My wife will be 30 soon and what she is going through sure seems like textbook MLC.


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## chocolategeek

DownUnder said:


> well my H is turning 34 in a couple of weeks and my mother in law was with me last night when she asked "i wonder if he is going thru some kind of a midlife crisis? this is so not like him....its like he is not my son and definetely NOT the man you married" and i can't answer her on that...BUT at one stage last year my H told me he felt like his life was going backwards and he felt like he hasn't accomplished anything good in his life.
> 
> I really dont know if he is just in the middle of a really thick fog or a MLC.


My H had his MLC quite early, too. He had just turned 36 when he started freaking out about his life and then soon after that, he had the A.


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## LeighRichwood

DownUnder said:


> Leigh, can i just ask...was it your husband who asked for another chance? and how did he approach you on that? What i mean is, does he tell you that he will willing to give a full commitment and offer NC with the OW and willing to give you full transparency so that trust can be rebuilt between you?
> 
> At this moment i just can't see it happening because the false R that we just went thru is still very fresh and he just moved in with the OW last week.


In our case, there wasn't that moment where he came to me and asked for a second and third chance. It actually happened when I gave him my expectations if we were to stay married. He simply agreed to my "demands" - then broke his agreement and then eventually agreed to them again. 

Part of the reason it happened like this for us is that I'm more vocal than my H and he has a hard time talking about his feelings when they are related to negative subjects. 

Our situation was different than yours in that we never actually separated. He traveled for his job some, so that gave us a bit of a break from each other sometimes. He didn't move in with anyone else so we didn't have that complication.

I have known people who have been able to complete a successful R even after they've been through things like you're dealing with now. I know that every case is different, but it is possible to come back from setbacks. If you truly want to stay married to this man, it may take some patience to get there. The caution is to not become a doormat.

I wish you all the best.


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## cledus_snow

> That's 10 months you could have stopped his affair from continuing if you showed him you meant business by filing


i'm of the same mind.

no way i'd be in limbo that long.

if i may ask. did you expose this during the 10 month limbo? have they been exposed, at all for that matter?

seems to me you wanted the recovery more than he did, initially. IMO.


i am glad you made a recovery-- whatever works, i guess.


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## LeighRichwood

I think every situation is different and the people in it determine what action is taken or not taken. I didn't expose in the 10 months and I didn't confront him. I only confronted when I had hard data. It took me 10 months to get mentally ready to accept and face it. Some may say that's being weak and it probably was.

Yes, I wanted recovery more than he did. No doubt about that. I'm probably still married because I was too stubborn to make it easy on him by filing for D.

I look back and know I made mistakes. However, staying married and sticking to my belief system wasn't one of those mistakes. I'm very happy now and so is my H. It took much longer than some would be willing to invest, but I don't view it that way for me. Again, I believe that every situation is different based on the people involved.


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## This is me

I think society gives the false idea that divorce is the best solution. A study I read showed that the vast majority of 500 unhappy couples who stayed married were much happier 5 years after the study, like 85% and only something like 19% of those who divorced were happier.

As hard as it has been at times, I am sticking in it and it will be her call if we divorce. She has called for it 3 times, then changed her mind. A clear sign of her confusion.


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## LeighRichwood

This is me said:


> I think society gives the false idea that divorce is the best solution. A study I read showed that the vast majority of 500 unhappy couples who stayed married were much happier 5 years after the study, like 85% and only something like 19% of those who divorced were happier.
> 
> As hard as it has been at times, I am sticking in it and it will be her call if we divorce. She has called for it 3 times, then changed her mind. A clear sign of her confusion.


I hadn't heard this statistic before, but wow. That's astounding. And quite believable. People are so focused on instant gratification today. Not that you must stick around for abuse or that it's not okay to divorce if your spouse has an affair, but it does seem like it's the first option for many.

I also believe that even if an affair isn't involved, happiness can be cyclical. Good insight here that we can all use. Thanks!

And I also agree with the confusion thing that you're seeing with your W. I think it's common - a WS, even FWS, doesn't have their head on straight sometimes. My H often said he wanted D. I lost count at about 10 times. Some would say it was pathetic that I didn't just go ahead and do it, but I know I did the right thing. More than anything else, I didn't want to be the one to quit.


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## This is me

www.americanvalues.org/UnhappyMarriages.pdf

"Five years later, unhappily married adults who divorced or separated
were, on average, no happier, no less depressed, had no higher self-esteem, no greater sense of personal mastery, and showed increased alcohol use compared to unhappily married adults who stayed married. Almost two-thirds of unhappy spouses who stuck with the marriage forged happy marriages down the road."

This study is very interesting for those who truly want to take emotion thought out and put educational thought in. I think most marriages have tough times, but they pass, some harder and longer than others, but if you can outlast it, you should both be happier again.


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## This is me

endofstory, I am sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I remember oh so well how awful the low points can feel. For me, I committed to give her space for several months, but at some point, for my own sanity, I gave her a choice. Either we work to save it and she move back home, or that we D and move on with our lives.

All though I never wanted to divorce her, I put the ball in her court and said one or the other. She knew I did not want divorce and when I consulted with a lawyer, it pushed her to choose.

She agreed to move back on the weekends, then she said she wanted to divorce again one more time. This is when I started making plans. She eventually had to look at reality in the face.

She has been home for two months now and things appear to be moving in the right direction. She has shown loving signs which is a softening of the heart.

Just food for thought. I wish you well.


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## endofstory

This is me, thank you..It's good to hear that things are improving with you and your wife
It has been so painful and difficult for so long, but I was commited like you to give him space.. I did also like you...put the ball on his court..I told I dont belive in divorce but if REALLY REALLY wants out, HE shall do all the work. Not half way but all the way. I said its all in your hands. He has told me that he wants a divorce many times but why his not finalizing the papers got me wondering...
Since october when he said that he REALLY wanted out of our marriage, I made a decision not contact him anymore, give him space. All this time he initiated contact all the time. He wanted to see me, talk to me and wanted to get intimate.. This got me so confused..I day I think he want to get back together again, then he saids he really wants the D..It has been so confusing. Now there is another girl in his life... but still he wont finalize our separation papers...So what do I do?
Shall I move on or just hang on and give it time?


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