# Long Distance Marriage Crisis



## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

I have been with my wife 3 years and 3 months and we have been married for 1 year and 1 month. In February of 2011 she moved to Chicago to live with her mom and grandpa as they had promised her a sweet government job (her grandfather is a guy that knows people and supposedly can make stuff happen). I was to stay behind in Colorado to look after our pets, we have a cat and a dog that her grandpa didn't want in his house. So the plan was that she would only be gone maybe a month or two, get set up and then I would come out. That was over 8 months ago...her grandpa still hasn't made good on the promise to get her a job.

So, we were chugging along with our long distance relationship and everything was all hearts love and terrific. We used Ventrillo everyday to talk to each other, wrote letters, and even played an online game together to close the distance. We didn't, however, visit each other in this time. We both agreed that a visit would be awesome, but having to say "goodbye" again would just be awful, so we wanted to just wait it out because we were sure that soon she would get the job and I would be able to move out there with her. We missed each other terribly and couldn't wait for her promised job to come up so we could reunite. 

About 3 weeks ago we got into an argument. After fighting for hours she told me she didn't know how she felt anymore, she said she couldn't say she loved me only that she had loved me. She told me to leave her alone and that she needed time to think about things. I tried my best to give her space...but I wasn't good at it. I made all the common mistakes. I called her, texted her, tried to make contact with her on our online game, I sent an email to her mother, I tried to talk to one of her new work friends, I told her that I was going to come out there immediately, and I basically panicked.

The day before yesterday she called me and told me that we needed to have a serious talk. She told me that she has been holding stuff back and our argument was the "straw that broke the camel's back". She told me that she thought about things and she believes that she is a completely different person now. She says that the change in "who she is" was so profound that she just isn't who she used to be. She told me that she doesn't love me.

When we first had the fight I wanted to rush out to see her right away but she told me no. A couple of days later I was panicking again because I caught wind that her mother was urging her to talk to a lawyer and I called her and told her that I would be coming out to see her immediately. She told me NO again...that I wouldn't like what I would find and she didn't see how it would fix anything. Finally, the other night when she called to have the serous talk, I again expressed my desire to come out to see her and talk to her about our problems. Once again she told me absolutely not to do that. She said that if I were to come out she would avoid me if she could and that her family would not allow me to see her. She went on to say that if I were to catch her and try to talk to her she would be mean and it would be awful, that coming to see her would only serve to hurt me more.

She has unfriended and blocked me from Facebook, (changed her relationship status from married to single as well) she has unfriended me from the online game we used to play together, she is trying her best to sever whatever contact we had.

I have never reached out to the interwebs for help like this but I am at a total loss. My world is crumbling around me. How do I get our relationship back on track?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

1. Could she be cheating? Perhaps she found someone out there and doesn't want to come back.

2. Why did you allow this to happen (her moving)? Marriage doesn't mean long distance. Could you not afford a place in Chicago? You are paying rent in CO, surely you could get a place in Chicago?

3. I am bothered that she didn't come back after not getting a job. This again makes me think she's having an affair.

I am truly sorry you are going through this, especially long distance when all you want to do is go to her and you can't. however, I would go to her. She is your wife, afterall. Who cares if she says no. I'd go. Be the man and don't let her tell you what to do.


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

That_Girl,

I told her I would respect her wishes to not see me and give her space. I'm going to break that promise. I need to see my wife and she doesn't seem to know what is best for our relationship right now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I honestly do not know what you should do. I'm not a therapist or professional. However, being so far apart in a marriage doesn't work 99% of the time. I hope you can figure out what is going on. 

Do you have access to phone bills? I really think an affair should be ruled out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The other thing that I thought was that things weren't as rosy for her as they were for you, and the move was a pre planned exit for her. I wonder if there's any advantages divorce-wise for her establishing residence in Chicago?

I can understand your mindset, but if she's staying with family, and it sounds like they're very protective, I suspect your trip will be painful and fruitless.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

I can't say 100% that she isn't cheating on me. This new male friend of hers isn't exactly comforting though. Like I said he is married himself but he spends a lot of time with my wife. They work together and they now spend tons of time together playing a certain online game. She may be lying to me about him being married or it could be that he isn't happy in his relationship and is pursuing my wife. If she is cheating I'll find that out when I go to see her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What should he do then? I would probably start snooping.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SadColorado said:


> I can't say 100% that she isn't cheating on me. This new male friend of hers isn't exactly comforting though. Like I said he is married himself but he spends a lot of time with my wife. They work together and they now spend tons of time together playing a certain online game. She may be lying to me about him being married or it could be that he isn't happy in his relationship and is pursuing my wife. If she is cheating I'll find that out when I go to see her.


Bingo.

If it's not a physical affair, it's definitely an emotional affair. Those are just as damaging, if not MORE damaging than a physical affair....and can go physical quickly.


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

@PBear, you're right to some extent. She expressed that she would bottle things up instead of airing them out. She told me when we spoke that if she would have allowed herself to talk about things that bothered her more we could have worked through it and grown together. She chose to try to "just deal" with things and it all came rushing out of her when we had the last argument. Even so, I don;t believe the move was a pre-planned exit on her part...perhaps her mother's? Even though she chose to keep things to herself sometimes I was no fool...I knew when something was bothering her but because she didn't make a huge deal out of it I didn't put much effort in on my part to make sure she thought the problem was resolved. Even just a few days before the fateful night our messages and the way we spoke to each other was very loving, I was blindsided by everything. The only other information I can offer is that for a couple of weeks before this went down the toilet she had started working long hours at the theater where she got a temporary job since the whole promised job still wasn't happening. She was working doubles and often would work until 2am and then open then next day. She was doing this because she was approached about a supervisor position and she wanted to show that she would be there for her employer (they still haven't promoted her, yet she is continuing to work insane hours for them).


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

I told her that I believe she is having an emotional affair with her friend. She scoffed and said she didn't even know what that was. I urged her to look it up and read about it.

I know for sure that she is having an emotional affair even if she doesn't understand it. She has turned away from me for support and love and invest far too much time with this new friend.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She may not actually be working insane hours. She may be telling you that when she is really dating the OM.

Got money to hire a PI? Because there are so many red flags here, especially her almost panic when you were going to show up. Classic response when she is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

I'm fairly certain that she is working the hours she claims to be. If she isn't at work I can see that she is in fact online playing WoW with this other guy rather than out dating him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Wait, I read your first post 3 times, and there was no mention of this other guy. Or am I blind? And what excuse did she give for not coming back when the job thing didn't pan out?

Honestly, in your short marriage you've been separated twice as long as you've been married. You can try to fix this, whatever is wrong, but I really don't see many positives. She's entrenched back at home, with all their support. It sounds like her family is encouraging a split... How did they treat you before? She's refusing to come back to you to even try working on things. She said that you "wouldn't like what you'd find" if you go out there... I think TG's guess of another guy is the best one.

I think there's some key information that's missing. Either problems in your pre-marriage time, or while you were together. Fights, her family, she was cheating on you and you didn't know it... Something... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How are you sure that she's at work when she says she is?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

She didn't come back when the job didn't pan out because he family keep promising that it -would- happen that it was just taking longer than they anticipated. We spoke about her coming back before and she was okay with the idea. In the end I encouraged her to stick with it because it would be a great opportunity and we both believed that it was a matter of time before it came together. Her family treated me just fine before. Her mother liked me and the rest of her family out there talked about me frequently and were looking forward to me coming out and getting to meet me. Her grandfather asked if I would be out that way for a visit...but like I said, we foolishly decided against it because we thought it would be too difficult to have to part again. I didn't mention her new friend in my OP, so you're not blind. If she isn't at work I can find her playing WoW. To be 100% certain that she is at work when she says she is is difficult. She is not a dishonest person and I do believe her when she says she is at work. I also believe that her friend really is just a friend...but he is causing a problem because she is leaning on his friendship now rather than me for emotional support. I absolutely think that I am missing something. She has told me as much. She has said that before when we would fight or if she was displeased with something she would try to endure it rather than air it out. Recently she has done some thinking on that and has decided that she is a different person and doesn't want to be like that anymore. I don't know the details though of her previous dissatisfaction. The fact that we have only spent 5 months of the past 13 of our marriage actually together bothers me greatly. The years we spent living together as a couple before we got married were longer than the time apart though and was largely a very happy and loving time.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Are you sure she moved there for a job? Are you sure she isn't lying to you and that is her excuse to move to Chicago away from you near this other guy? Her story sounds fishy to me... To move all the way to Chicago without a guaranteed job?? Odd.

I would go up there, but do not expect it to be pretty. Do not expect her to be happy to see you and don't expect to come home with your wife. If anything, you will get the answers you need instead of being in limbo. After that, you will know what steps to take next.

She is your wife, not a girlfriend, she needs to be living with you. Her whole story sounds fishy to me, I certainly wouldn't move out of state just because someone said I could get a job there - I'd make sure I had a job first and then relocate.


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

The move to Chicago was a decision we made together. It was her family that was promising to deliver this job. This other guy wasn't even in the picture until recently when she took up a temporary job at a movie theater. I agree with you that she does need to be living with me, but at this point trying to convince her to give up a promised job (even though it has been more than 8 months and her family hasn't delivered) will be tough. She is living a comfortable life in her grandfather's home with her mother, she is taken care of and has forgot what it is like to be with me.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Dude - have you figured out where she hid your ba*ls? 

When you say that you decided this together (the move), you probably weren't aware that she already had another man in her life.

I think your best bet at this point is to cut your losses. Do you really want to live in scumville with your cheating wife?

come on! your wife pretty much admitted everything without being very specific. If she doesn't know what an EA is, and you showed up, i can guarandamnttee you that its more than an EA. Odds are she is already living with him.,

Your best bet at this point is to file for divorce (get a PI to check out the wife's situation) so you know how best to proceed. 

Time to grow a pair. She cuckolded you in the worst sort of way. I normally don't like to jump to conclusions like this, but hey - any woman who loves her man isn't going to allow distance to come between them for that long (and any man worth his manliness - especially). 

Don't mean to be blunt here, but her family may never have liked you either and/or she has painted you to her family in the worst sort of way. 

Dump her. She may have been out-of-state long enough to complicate the divorce process, or turn it to her advantage. Protect yourself. Read up No More Mr Nice Guy, Hold on to your NUTZ, Married Man Sex Life Primer, and 5 Love Languages (do this for your next relationship). 

I feel for ya! Good luck!


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

Thanks for the reply Dadof3. I'm pretty sure I've said this several times before but I'll say it again. She did not have another man in her life before she left and she didn't have another man in her life until very recently. I honestly believe that the problems in our relationship are what she says they are: She hasn't been open about things that have bothered her and feels like the relationship has been something of a lie due to her "putting up" with issues rather than hashing them out. Do I think she wouldn't cheat on me with this new guy? No. I'm not naive. I want to know how keep her from taking it that far.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Ok - I'll bite (please realize I'm just trying to help here)

How do you know (for sure) that she didn't have another man before she left? Where did she grow up? She have a class reunion? Were you around her 100% of the time?

What's up with her families distaste toward you. Most people are decent and will try to get their kids to work their marriages out.

This is why I say - let her go. Divorce her. Get a PI (unless you can be a supersleuth) to determine whats really going on so as to know how to approach the divorce.

Do you have kids other than the pets? If not - this makes it easier. It isn't natural for two spouses to be away from each other this long - maybe you are right, however, I can guarandamntee that you are losing out to someone else right now, cause he is there. I'd put money that she's either known him for a while or used to know him a long time ago, and have reconnected.

Read some of the posts on this forum. They'll help you understand. Your wife is pulling a typical cheater script. You need to man up. Please read the books I suggested. They WILL help you no matter what. 

Most importantly, it will be easiest on you and have the greatest chance of reconciliation (if one truly exists) if you Let her go, and implement a 180 (for your sake, not yours or "ours"). Wish I could help u more, but she's deep in a fog. 

Remember, do not trust what she says, only what she does. This is how you can tell if she's being genuine. You are at a disadvantage. You either D her, or you get yourself an apartment in thugland and take the "fight" to her by showing her what a man you truly are.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Oh yea, I just noticed your mention of FB being in the picture. She may have known or met him through FB. This wouldn't be the first time someone moves out because of a FB relationship. 

Wake up! Don't take this lieing down!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SadColorado said:


> I want to know how keep her from taking it that far.


The usual suggestions here are to Man Up, do the 180, and a few other things. However, I think your wife may have already taken it "that far." She warned you that if you showed up in Chicago, you would discover things you really wouldn't like. She's not giving you specifics, but take it from a woman ... it sounds like she is giving you your walking papers.

I don't know if you can keep her from a PA (if she isn't already having one). People do what they want to do, for the most part. Heck, I give my viewpoint/advice on this forum, and whether people take it or not is their business. People generally do what they want to do regardless of what anyone else says.

In your case, I would suggest you listen to what the men have to say who have dealt with this very situation. They will be able to tell you what worked (or didn't work) for them.

Speaking as a woman, when a woman isn't open and doesn't share her feelings or needs, she's keeping valuable information from her partner. In your case, your wife did just that. JMO, but I think she is also keeping her lifestyle, andwhat she does in Chicago on a daily basis under wraps. You're looking for transparency where there has not been any in the past. Don't start mining for that lost gold now.

BTW, for what it's worth, what she's doing has PA written all over it. JMO ...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Colorado, your W is on a completely different plane than you, she is feeding you whatever baloney to keep you away from her new life. She is not having an affair with some guy, it is an all out relationship that she probably went there to start, in which YOU have become the other man. It even sounds like you wanted this, you agreed to not see each other because "parting would be too difficult"?? That is not a relationship. Because she is on another plane from you, you have to figure out for yourself what is happening, what you need and how you are going to fix it. Don't rely on her to do any of this from her end... good luck I truly hope you can get your marriage back but be warned that it sounds as if there is not a chance.


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## Rosco (Sep 16, 2011)

Sounds like she's doing the Chi-Town horizontal hop.

You need to man up and tell her to either get back to Colorado, get a job or tell you the truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why you re still in Colorado blows my mind. Are you just going to talk yourself to death?


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

You guys seem to be dead set that she was cheating for a while. I can say 100% that she was not. before she left we spent ALL our time together. After she left we spent ALL our time together online. When she took a job at the theater we would Spend as much of our time together as possible. She would call me before, during, and after work and then spend the rest of the night with me online. I knew about this friend from the get-go. He would be online and play WITH us as well. I am super suspicious of how she is treating this and please don't think that I'm just trying to close my ears to what you are saying because it's something I don't want to hear. As for cheating on me in the past or even right before we had our argument is pretty much out of the question. I knew her whereabouts and we were in as much contact as two people separated by hundreds of miles could be. 

Even after our argument I could check up on her. She would be at work or she would be online...so would that other guy. If she was having a physical affair with him I think they would be together doing things. 

I do suspect her now. You are all right in what you are telling me. I can't come up with any other reasonable explanation as to why she wants me out of her life. Her mother told me that she would do whatever she thought was best for her daughter and I'm sure her mother thinks that keeping her there in hopes of a job they have yet to provide would be better for her future than enduring a long distance relationship and working to get us together. Her mother has also expressed that we got married too young. At any rate her mother isn't pulling for us and has probably convinced her that her future is much brighter there without me...after all this LDR we have had going hasn't been easy on us. My wife would sit in her room all day to be with me online rather than go do things with her mother. I know this upsets her mom because they have had fights about it several times.

All this is surely made worse because her mother and father divorced when she was young. Her mother didn't get custody because she smokes crack, disappears for days on end on drunken binges, and was altogether too irresponsible to look after a child. She still lives with her father (my wife's grandfather) and still pulls childish stunts like doing drugs and vanishing for days at a time for a drunken bender. It is all speculation but I feel that my mother-in-law feels like she won some kind of prize by finally having her daughter there and doesn't want to lose it.

I believe that my wife is having an emotional affair because she is leaning on another person for support, yes, but I think that the larger problem is that she has been made to think that I'm not worth the effort, that she would have a much brighter future cutting me loose even if it hurts. 

I'm not gonna toss your advice out the window. I'm going to get in contact her tonight hopefully and get her to tell me the reasons she "feels like a different person" and why she suddenly doesn't have any future plans for this relationship. I know already that she'll tell me it wasn't sudden and that she was making the best out of a bad situation but the bad situation is by far and wide the distance. I hope I can get some more solid answers. Wish me luck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good luck!

1. don't beg. If she doesn't want to tell, don't push. Just say "alright then" and say good bye.

2. Don't lose your cool. Be calm and collected and a little cold.

3. Use your business man attitude. lol. I tell this to friends all the time. 

best wishes!!


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

Chap, you're right. I shouldn't be here. I had an opportunity to go to her 3 days after this crapstorm started. I didn't go because I told her and she wanted space and time to think about things. From reading advice on the internet I decided that not forcing it would be the best decision. After talking to her more recently she admitted that if I had come THEN it would have influenced her decision greatly. Now that I've let her be for so long she tells me that she has come to a conclusion and her mind is squared away. The soonest I can leave Colorado to go to her now is the 20th (her birthday actually) and I would be in Chicago on the 22nd. I told her that I wouldn't come out, but screw that.


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

Great advice That_girl. The past few times I've spoken with her I've used my Businessman voice and attitude. It seems to get me further than using a caring voice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SadColorado said:


> Great advice That_girl. The past few times I've spoken with her I've used my Businessman voice and attitude. It seems to get me further than using a caring voice.


Yes. Be a man...don't grovel.

She gave you up. You did nothing to deserve this. It's her loss. Be strong  I know it hurts, but...hold your dignity, man!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SadColorado said:


> Chap, you're right. I shouldn't be here. I had an opportunity to go to her 3 days after this crapstorm started. I didn't go because I told her and she wanted space and time to think about things. From reading advice on the internet I decided that not forcing it would be the best decision. After talking to her more recently she admitted that if I had come THEN it would have influenced her decision greatly. Now that I've let her be for so long she tells me that she has come to a conclusion and her mind is squared away. The soonest I can leave Colorado to go to her now is the 20th (her birthday actually) and I would be in Chicago on the 22nd. I told her that I wouldn't come out, but screw that.


You might as well wait another 8 months. Just shows me and her how much your marriage has meant to you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

chapparal said:


> You might as well wait another 8 months. Just shows me and her how much your marriage has meant to you.


Yea, why wait til the 20th? Go now! Work will understand, won't they? This is your life, man!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yes. Be a man...don't grovel.
> 
> She gave you up. You did nothing to deserve this. It's her loss. Be strong  I know it hurts, but...hold your dignity, man!


In my opinion he's getting exactly what he deserves. Hasn't seen his wife in 8 mos. So he can take care of his pets. Well now someone with half a brain is taking care of his wife and he's STILL diddling around in Colorado. WTF is so much more important than his wife. 

I'm getting the message and I'm sure she got the message a long time ago. Sorry Colorado but you are definitely brain dead. Pull the plug.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Some of you guys could lighten up a bit. People come here for advice, not abuse.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

Wow Chap. Why don't you tell us how you really feel? maybe I didn't go see her because we have a limited income due to neither of us having jobs (ya know the reason she went out there). There isn't anything more important than my wife but I am limited in what I can do and when. Sorry Chap but you're the one with half a brain and don't have any place on these forums that are for open discussion and support.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

PBear said:


> Some of you guys could lighten up a bit. People come here for advice, not abuse.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP has head in sand, can't hear and its been going on for eight mos. Still haven't been able to wake him up.

However,since it is no doubt too late already, might as well use kid gloves. By the time he gets there she will probably already be engaged..........again.


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

That_girl, I would love to go NOW, but I'm working with a severely limited budget. Maybe $600...for a ticket (plane or bus) hotels, transportation when I get there, food...all that kind of stuff. It won't go far, especially if I am relying on a taxi to get me around. My parents, thankfully, have offered to drive me out there when they go to MO to visit family for Thanksgiving. I guess I didn't mention that when she moved she took the car >_> otherwise I would be driving instead of typing up replies.


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## SadColorado (Nov 4, 2011)

Chap if the only social interaction you're capable of is being a **** then you should just leave.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SadColorado said:


> Chap if the only social interaction you're capable of is being a **** then you should just leave.


"you should just leave" Colorado.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She took the car too? Geeeesh.

I think, if I were you...I don't know what I'd do.

I might just say "eff it" and let it all go. What bs this is! I'm sorry you are dealing...but I wish you could just go NOW! lol.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should give her what she wants and divorce her. You don't stand a chance when she is taking relationship advice from her dear mother. With a MIL like her who needsJerry 
Springer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think you should give her what she wants and divorce her. You don't stand a chance when she is taking relationship advice from her dear mother. With a MIL like her who needsJerry
> Springer?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Can't argue with that logic.

Colorado: check ALL of your options - bus, train, even hitchhike (or carpool by finding out through craigslist or a bulletin board) if anyone else is headed to Chicago soon.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You can get to Chicago in a rental car for a lot less than 600 dollars. I'm beginning to think you are a troll. I hope you are and not someone with a real broken heart.


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