# Wife says she wants to leave, again



## Clay22 (Nov 17, 2021)

To give background to this story, I want to be upfront. I had an emotional affair with a woman my wife actively hated. She was someone she was jealous of and made insecure by. This lasted for a long time. My wife has made a lot of bad choices in our marriage that have hurt me deeply, but I am not a victim and she is not to blame for my affair. My disclosure day was almost a year ago exactly. In that time, she has had a very hard time working through whether she wanted to stay with me or not. She has told me multiple times (5+ that I can remember) that she was ready to leave and that she was sure. Each time I asked her to consider it longer, that despite my actions I believed we had something that we could work through. She would agree that over the last year I have made consistent and visible changes and have shown her empathy and remorse and that I have been transparent and patient. Last 
Month, unprovoked by me, she told her friends she was working on things with me, which she had refused to do until then. She also told me that I could get her another ring (she took hers off after disclosure, I kept mine on) and propose to her again. With all that said, I knew this time of year would be difficult for her and that she may have very heightened feelings and reactions. Well, last night she told me again that she wanted a divorce and that she was sure. I still don't want a divorce and I am trying to be patient and understanding that she may be speaking out of a lot of hurt as she has one of the other times she told me this and that that may not be what she truly wants. I recognize that I crossed her biggest boundary, and that our marriage may not have been able to be saved, but I do truly believe it can be. I don't know what to do, and I know that asking for help here may be dangerous as I am an unfaithful and many people here have the opinion that people who have done what I did cannot change or that marriages that have experienced infidelity are not worth saving. I respect those opinions and understand them, but I am asking for advice from people who will not just shut me down on principle. I want my wife to stay, and I want to try and make her environment as safe as possible. I want her to go back into therapy and for us to go into couples counseling again (I have been in therapy about 6x a month since disclosure). Many days she shows me she loves me and that she feels something here, but when she gets triggered it feels like she forgets that progress and those feelings she had just days before and claims they were never real. I don't know what to do and I feel so twisted up inside. I know I dropped a bomb on our marriage on my own, I know people like me may not deserve a second chance. I believe we can make it through, and because she brought up working on things with me on her own, I think she does too, but this is a heightened time of the year for her and she has a history of saying harsh and rash things when she is feeling particularly heightened. How do I bridge this gap while still being respectful?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Just let her go or you will be back here 5 more times in the next 5 years saying the same thing. Get on with it and get it finished


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Trust and respect are gone. Love may remain, but that's not enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She may have thought she could reconcile easily but is finding it more difficult than she realized. It takes 2-5 years and even then there’s no guarantee it will work. Triggers can go on for many years. Even if she stays, she’ll never again trust you the way she once did and she shouldn’t. There’s nothing easy about putting a broken marriage back together. Maybe she threatens to leave so you’ll talk her into staying. Who knows.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

"My wife has made a lot of bad choices in our marriage that have hurt me deeply ..."

Where any of those mistakes cheating, herself? What has she done?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Do you have kids?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tell her you two should separate and let her know that you will not date any women for a year.
See if she backs down.

If one of you leaves, see if she comes back.

----or----


I suspect she wants you to grovel and beg.
Grovel and beg, but not forever.


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## Clay22 (Nov 17, 2021)

re16 said:


> Do you have kids?


No, we do not have any kids


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here’s the thing: You can’t wish her back, want her back, hope her back, or “win” her back. Once they make up their mind, you’re screwed.

I would let her go if that’s what she wants. Chasing her as you have done will only push her away. Having an affair nukes it. You can’t fix it. Only she can and she doesn’t want to. You really don’t have a choice here.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I think you tell her you love her and you want her to be happy and if she needs to go, that you'll accept that, but that you don't want her leave.

Only some time apart will tell what she'll do. She will need to decide on her own that she wants to come back.

The others are correct that chasing her and apologizing over and over will just drive her away.

Go to therapy on your own and figure out why you did this and continue to work on yourself.


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## Clay22 (Nov 17, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> "My wife has made a lot of bad choices in our marriage that have hurt me deeply ..."
> 
> Where any of those mistakes cheating, herself? What has she done?


Her mistakes were emotional abuse and neglect, refusing to seek out help after I begged her to for years, being intentionally manipulative or hurtful, among others. After my disclosure she sent nudes to someone and made plans to sleep with them, but did not follow through with it. These are things that I believe she can move past, which is one reason why I am trying. None of those things warranted my affair, but I know refusing to see her part in things isn't healthy.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Clay22 said:


> Her mistakes were emotional abuse and neglect, refusing to seek out help after I begged her to for years, being intentionally manipulative or hurtful, among others. After my disclosure she sent nudes to someone and made plans to sleep with them, but did not follow through with it. These are things that I believe she can move past, which is one reason why I am trying. None of those things warranted my affair, but I know refusing to see her part in things isn't healthy.


Understood. I guess I'd just say that for some (many?) people, cheating is a deal breaker. It may be that way with your wife.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Clay22 said:


> No, we do not have any kids


Then divorce.
A healthy respectful marriage based on trust doesn’t look like this much pain.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Clay22 said:


> Her mistakes were emotional abuse and neglect, refusing to seek out help after I begged her to for years, being intentionally manipulative or hurtful, among others. After my disclosure she sent nudes to someone and made plans to sleep with them, but did not follow through with it. These are things that I believe she can move past, which is one reason why I am trying. None of those things warranted my affair, but I know refusing to see her part in things isn't healthy.


Stop pointing out her faults. You did her wrong for a long time.


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## Clay22 (Nov 17, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Stop pointing out her faults. You did her wrong for a long time.


I was asked to point this out. I intentionally left this out of my main post.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Clay22 said:


> To give background to this story, I want to be upfront. I had an emotional affair with a woman my wife actively hated. She was someone she was jealous of and made insecure by. This lasted for a long time. My wife has made a lot of bad choices in our marriage that have hurt me deeply, but I am not a victim and she is not to blame for my affair. My disclosure day was almost a year ago exactly. In that time, she has had a very hard time working through whether she wanted to stay with me or not. She has told me multiple times (5+ that I can remember) that she was ready to leave and that she was sure. Each time I asked her to consider it longer, that despite my actions I believed we had something that we could work through. She would agree that over the last year I have made consistent and visible changes and have shown her empathy and remorse and that I have been transparent and patient. Last
> Month, unprovoked by me, she told her friends she was working on things with me, which she had refused to do until then. She also told me that I could get her another ring (she took hers off after disclosure, I kept mine on) and propose to her again. With all that said, I knew this time of year would be difficult for her and that she may have very heightened feelings and reactions. Well, last night she told me again that she wanted a divorce and that she was sure. I still don't want a divorce and I am trying to be patient and understanding that she may be speaking out of a lot of hurt as she has one of the other times she told me this and that that may not be what she truly wants. I recognize that I crossed her biggest boundary, and that our marriage may not have been able to be saved, but I do truly believe it can be. I don't know what to do, and I know that asking for help here may be dangerous as I am an unfaithful and many people here have the opinion that people who have done what I did cannot change or that marriages that have experienced infidelity are not worth saving. I respect those opinions and understand them, but I am asking for advice from people who will not just shut me down on principle. I want my wife to stay, and I want to try and make her environment as safe as possible. I want her to go back into therapy and for us to go into couples counseling again (I have been in therapy about 6x a month since disclosure). Many days she shows me she loves me and that she feels something here, but when she gets triggered it feels like she forgets that progress and those feelings she had just days before and claims they were never real. I don't know what to do and I feel so twisted up inside. I know I dropped a bomb on our marriage on my own, I know people like me may not deserve a second chance. I believe we can make it through, and because she brought up working on things with me on her own, I think she does too, but this is a heightened time of the year for her and she has a history of saying harsh and rash things when she is feeling particularly heightened. How do I bridge this gap while still being respectful?


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

You fkd up and it's over.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Clay22 said:


> Her mistakes were emotional abuse and neglect, refusing to seek out help after I begged her to for years, being intentionally manipulative or hurtful, among others. After my disclosure she sent nudes to someone and made plans to sleep with them, but did not follow through with it. These are things that I believe she can move past, which is one reason why I am trying. None of those things warranted my affair, but I know refusing to see her part in things isn't healthy.


Wow. She can cheat (what she did is also cheating) but gets all uppity and emotional when you do it? Righto. Her hypocrisy is breathtaking.

You're correct when you say that none of that excuses what you did, and you're right, it doesn't. When is she going to own what she did though?



damo7 said:


> You fkd up and it's over.


Read post #11.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So it was an "emotional" affair and not a physical one? Does the woman live across the world from you?

Otherwise, I don't believe you that it wasn't physical. I'm guessing your wife is reading this thread so you're not going to admit it here, either.

Maybe you can start by telling your wife the truth.

Here's a hint - when a woman is truly done, she's DONE. Sounds like your wife is working toward that end.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So after YOUR EA -- she had a revenge EA and sent nudes to them?
You are BOTH at fault here and it seems like she and you are both ignoring what SHE did also.
I don't blame her for doing that since you cheated first, but she also now has blame on HER for what she did.
If she isn't willing to get deep into this in MC, then there really isn't much you can do.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So after YOUR EA -- she had a revenge EA and sent nudes to them?
> You are BOTH at fault here and it seems like she and you are both ignoring what SHE did also.
> I don't blame her for doing that since you cheated first, but she also now has blame on HER for what she did.
> If she isn't willing to get deep into this in MC, then there really isn't much you can do.


Nudes is crossing the line with me.
I can understand why a woman would respond to a flirty comment or even get caught up with a little bit of EA.
But to extend it to nudes and whatever, is crossing a line.
It's also an act of stupidity because now those nudes can be used against her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’ll warn you, emotional affairs can be devastating for women, sometimes more than physical affairs, usually in cases where you’ve been cold and uninterested in an emotional marriage with your wife. (Was this you?) 

Woman are emotional creatures, and we love to talk! So when a man becomes a chatty companion with another woman, it doesn’t matter if she is ugly, a drug addict or a tomboy, this can make a women feel extremely unattractive and unwanted. It is devastating. Especially if you show myriad ways of being disinterested in talking to your wife.

Having said all of this, I would agree that you give her the space and agree to the divorce. In the time that you are apart, if you really love her and want her back, you won’t seek out other women. And she will see what she is missing and finally understand that you are safe. Bear in mind, this can’t become a game either, where you WILL date other women. And also resent her later for leaving you if she does come back. So far it sounds like you have done all the right things, but there has been an element of tit for tat. Or ‘she was like this to me, so I did this to her.

So carefully look at the future. Can you see her leaving, accepting this, her finally being ok to change her mind and come back. And you being totally ok in 5 years with that period where she wanted a divorce? Or will it create another situation where you may feel hard done by, and need to seek out another women because you feel justified? Good luck. I’m sorry to hear what’s happened in your marriage. There can be happy endings long-term. We tend to usually focus on our short-term situations and not plan ahead. Really plan ahead. You know yourself best.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Clay22 said:


> Her mistakes were emotional abuse and neglect, refusing to seek out help after I begged her to for years, *being intentionally manipulative or hurtful, among others. After my disclosure she sent nudes to someone and made plans to sleep with them*, but did not follow through with it. These are things that I believe she can move past, which is one reason why I am trying. None of those things warranted my affair, but I know refusing to see her part in things isn't healthy.


so you had an affair with her worst enemy as retaliation?
was it a physical affair too? EA, for a long period of time usually means PA. at least that is what she is thinking.

there was a movie, War of the Roses, ....sounds like the script was out of your two lives!

Maybe you two should do a trial separation? being in close contact with each other might be exacerbating things. maybe some time alone will let this cool off, pass by, and you two can start off fresh without all this past baggage in the way?


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