# A first step



## Whatthe??

My wife told me very recently "she loves me but is not in love with me," anyone heard that before? I immediately went into panic mode and started doing all the things you shouldn't do, showed how needy I was, letters, text messages etc etc. Meanwhile my wife went into Limbo, she was having an emotional affair (short term) that I let happen through my own disconnect. Ironically just after Xmas I had decided it was time to talk and reconnect, 1 week later I got the in love bit and limbo came on. She didn't know to stay or go and I was a wreck. Fortunately i get some very good resources early on (Women's Infidelity) that set me straight. This morning I told my wife I wasn't playing the game on her terms anymore and that she had to break the limbo cycle, I wasn't going to sit in there with her any longer and if she couldn't/wouldn't break it then I would start moving on, I couldn't do Limbo anymore.

I felt very good and brave and then had a twisted gut all day, but came home to my wife who has decided to stay and try and work it out. I was very pleased but suddenly very scared, what if we can't get it back? She is sleeping in another room and doesn't feel that she will ever want to move back to our bed as she doesn't want that intimacy. I figure this is now where I sit patient and slowly work through this with her. My call out here is for anyone who has made this step and progressed, if you were the one who was out of love and had no intimate feelings for your partner, how did you get past that? How did you hop back into bed with him/her? Understand I'm not pushing for sex here, i can wait as long as it needs but gee I miss my wife just being there, I could just hold her all night. Also a little worried this may mean she is not 100% committed to the renewing of our marriage.


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## rrrbbbttt

Are you sure that the EA is over?


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## WolverineFan

I want to validate the step you took in making a stand for the relationship. As you learned the hard way, clinging is not an effective method of reconciliation. I work for a Marriage & Family Ministry and want to recommend a book called _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages In Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. This has a lot of practical help.

I would also like to encourage you to be patient in the process. Since your wife has agreed to stay and work on the marriage, this is going to take some time. You did not get into this situation overnight and things probably aren't going to change overnight either. Have you looked into marriage counseling yet? I would definitely suggest doing so because more will get done quicker with help from a trained specialist. It is much better than trying to do this on your own. I hope this is a help - blessings.


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## Whatthe??

Am I sure the EA is over, well i'm to sure of anything really, I am not %100 sure though. To be honest I think she is in a stage of I'll try but don't think it will work, in which case it won't. We will have this conversation soon, I am 100% committed to renewing our marriage she needs to get there or we may as well forget it, plan to succeed or your planning to fail.

Wolverine, thanks for your words. I can hang in there and work this and have total belief that should she commit %100 we'll move on to amazing stuff. We are both currently in IC and have a joint session booked in a couple weeks, we will leave no stone unturned and I will look up that book.

What I am really hoping to hear is from the people who have been the one who "loves but is no longer in love" and have successfully or are progressing well in reconciling there marriage. It can't be easy coming back to something that you find no pleasure in anymore and going where your emotions tell you not to go, how did you do it? How do you be intimate (not talking sex) with someone you don't want to be intimate with? I really want to ear from you people please, I think it would be real helpful for my wife. She feels her position is unique, yes all these others have connections but none could be like hers, she needs support from people who have been there.


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## LBHmidwest

I had the same thing happen without the promise to work. Didn't love me anymore.

If I had it to do over again I'd file divorce, and let her have the kids 50%. Move all the money I could and say simply = you started all of it. Live with it but I'm not taking the divorce off the table for 6-12 months - period. I don't want to pursue it but I filed first to protect my interests.


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## 6301

What bothers me is when one party says ILYBINILWY to the other party, it gives them all the time in the world to sit on the fence and take their old sweet time while the person who was on the receiving end has to sit and wait and rot inside while the other person just goes on with their life and has the luxury of making their mind up.

If it was me, I would tell her that if your not on board with me then take it somewhere else because as of right now, my life is far more important than yours and if you think I'm going to sit around waiting on you to make your rabbit ass mind up, your crazy, so take a hike let me get on with my life.

Be damned if I'm going to be a shell of myself because you can't commit.


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## Pictureless

6301 said:


> What bothers me is when one party says ILYBINILWY to the other party, it gives them all the time in the world to sit on the fence and take their old sweet time while the person who was on the receiving end has to sit and wait and rot inside while the other person just goes on with their life and has the luxury of making their mind up.
> 
> If it was me, I would tell her that if your not on board with me then take it somewhere else because as of right now, my life is far more important than yours and if you think I'm going to sit around waiting on you to make your rabbit ass mind up, your crazy, so take a hike let me get on with my life.
> 
> Be damned if I'm going to be a shell of myself because you can't commit.


:smthumbup: so true. You are right


ILYBINILWY and related phrases are just hollow phrases spoken by spouses who are plotting to leave. 

Don't park yourself in limbo. If someone says ILYBINILWY tell them sorry you feel that way, go NC, do the 180, and start divorce proceedings.


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## Thor

Is there some reason for her not to be in love with you?

I am not dumping the blame on you at all. Just trying to view it from her side. Are you healthy, a reasonable weight, adequately well dressed? Do you have hobbies or activities of your own? Are you employed? Have you cheated on her? Has she complained about something she doesn't like about you?

If there is nothing obvious which you could improve about yourself (for yourself not for her), then you can start looking at relationship tools.

5 Love Languages is a good book. Also, "Getting the Love You Want" and the workbook that goes with it. These are good self-help relationship tools.

Do you think you could have a productive conversation with her about what she wants in a marriage and what she sees as missing in your marriage? You would have to ask her questions and accept her answers without trying to correct her. Be like a reporter, asking a question and then asking a followup to get deeper into it. This would be you learning what is going on in her mind.


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## Whatthe??

There is definitely reasons for her to be not "in love" with me, I've ever cheated and have always been supportive and financial, healthy. What I haven't done is be there on a good emotional level, we just haven't connected for a while. This may sound naive but I have %100 confidence we can make this a great marriage if she commits %100 to making the effort. We still have a lot of mutual love and respect, I think she is partly scared to commit again and waste a year or two on a connection that we don't maintain. Just looking to change the momentum back toward us rather than apart, that's why I really want to hear from people who have done it. Divorce is an absolute last resort, I love her, she's my wife, we have three kids and there is no anger, bitterness or anything, just hurt. Should I need to call it quits I will but not until we have made a proper effort at it.


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## Thor

I think those books in my previous posts will help you get on track with her.

You can't expect to instantly go back to mad crazy love with her. You two need to spend time together and work on rebuilding a connection. In some reasonable time period you can each evaluate progress. Perhaps set a 60 day goal to see if things are noticeably better than they are today. Then if so, go another 4 months to see if things are continuing to go well. At that point you two will either be feeling some love and emotional intimacy or you won't. If not, you will both know you gave it a good try and it just isn't a good fit for you.


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## Whatthe??

I thought I was done in this section for a few days, things were looking a bit grim, but this morning my wife said she would commit %100 to R for a the 60day goal. Thanks for all your input and I will keep things updated as we progress. IC and MC are booked for both of us, any other tips would be much appreciated, especially if there is anyone reading who was the person who no longer loved but has reconciled.


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