# How Do You Do This?!



## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Hi, it's been a while since I've logged on here. Divorce was filed early January, I filed for default two weeks ago, fingers crossed that by June I'll be single. STBX doesn't live with me or anywhere near me and has admitted that he has already started dating himself (swears that he hasn't done anything physical, but after finding out the man was monitoring my online accounts I don't trust him very much).

I actually have a somewhat-date lined up next week with a guy I've been chatting with on OKC. I haven't dated since my husband, obviously, so it's been a few years. And I was obviously a couple years younger, and more...shall we say promiscuous? I didn't do dating very well. I was the kind of girl who would have sex on the first date. I'd rather not be that way this time!

How does this work? Do you hold hands on the first date? Do you greet the guy with a hug? How does a girl in her mid-20's handle a first date??


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Maybe try waiting until you're actually single this summer? Why are you in such a rush? Many Single guys, myself included, don't really take separated women as a prospect for a healthy relationship if that's what you are looking for. If hooking up is your plan no worries. Guys will come out from under the rocks for that


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm willing to admit part of it is because he (the ex) has started dating - why am I staying true to vows that have been broken? It also has been a very long time since I've felt like I was anything but a controlling, nagging b!tch, because that's what my STBX would tell me I was. It feels nice to talk to someone who thinks I'm interesting and attractive.

I have absolutely no inclination to do anything physical with this date. I do not want a relationship. I made this known to this particular gentlemen (without going into the messy details, simply that I am getting out of a LTR and not ready to date).

I thank you for pointing out that it is a little early. I agree with you. While I'm not looking for a hookup or for a ONS, I'm also not looking for a relationship, and I wasn't sure how to navigate this date with that in mind.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I'm willing to admit part of it is because he (the ex) has started dating - why am I staying true to vows that have been broken? It also has been a very long time since I've felt like I was anything but a controlling, nagging b!tch, because that's what my STBX would tell me I was. It feels nice to talk to someone who thinks I'm interesting and attractive.
> 
> I have absolutely no inclination to do anything physical with this date. I do not want a relationship. I made this known to this particular gentlemen (without going into the messy details, simply that I am getting out of a LTR and not ready to date).
> 
> I thank you for pointing out that it is a little early. I agree with you. While I'm not looking for a hookup or for a ONS, I'm also not looking for a relationship, and I wasn't sure how to navigate this date with that in mind.


Well I have no idea how women get over things. Some seem to reflect and work on themselves others dive right into dating. 

Diving into dating for the sake of having fun or building your social circle is no problem. My caution was to you is don't try to build a new relationship for awhile. My opinion is you can't work on something new when you haven't finished with the old. 

I was cheated on and my x left me for another guy. Was humiliating and painful. I was lonely, distraught, felt like a hole was in my hear that never stopped hurting........but most of all I was angry. And so I dated angry.....at her, the world, the loss of my life as I knew it. If I had to do it again I would have taken more time to work on me and get healthy. But I didn't and I ended up hurting some nice women along the way because I couldn't see my own pain. Just some food for thought 

Whatever you decided good luck. Dating is a minefield at best and online dating is worse


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> *I'm willing to admit part of it is because he (the ex) has started dating *- why am I staying true to vows that have been broken? It also has been a very long time since I've felt like I was anything but a controlling, nagging b!tch, because that's what my STBX would tell me I was. It feels nice to talk to someone who thinks I'm interesting and attractive.
> 
> *I have absolutely no inclination to do anything physical with this date. I do not want a relationship. I made this known to this particular gentlemen (without going into the messy details, simply that I am getting out of a LTR and not ready to date).*
> 
> I thank you for pointing out that it is a little early. I agree with you. While I'm not looking for a hookup or for a ONS, I'm also not looking for a relationship, and I wasn't sure how to navigate this date with that in mind.


First, that your not-quite-ex is dating is not a good enough reason for you to be dating as well. You need time to get yourself together before getting back into dating. I would really suggest waiting at least until your divorce is final in 3 months or so. Even longer would probably be better, as you mention some issues with dating and not wanting to repeat past mistakes. Read some books, do some IC, work on yourself so you know why you made those mistakes and how to avoid them this time.

Second, you say that you have told your date that you don't want a relationship and that you aren't ready to date. You also mention that you have no intention of being physical with this guy. Have you very clearly told him you have no intention of being physical? I ask because "I don't want a relationship" and "I'm not really ready to date yet" - while arranging a date - might both be interpreted to mean "I'm just looking for a friend with benefits". If that's not what you're after, make certain that your prospective date understands that and is also onboard with it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you ready to date? It doesn't sound like it. You only filed divorce two weeks ago (two months, etc) and are saying you want to date cause your ex is. Also, if you have this much anxiety over dating, maybe it's good to scale back some?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I thank you for pointing out that it is a little early. I agree with you. *While I'm not looking for a hookup or for a ONS, I'm also not looking for a relationship*, and I wasn't sure how to navigate this date with that in mind.


What are you looking for??

I am in a similar predicament. I was always the good girl before marriage, never had ONS, always cared for the men i slept with. Now I want to just hook up.... but I dont know how to reconcile the good girl image I have of the old me, and the carefree woman I want to become.

It is difficult. 
I suggest you figure out what you want, and go on the date with eyes open. It will be fun. 
What is the worst that can happen??


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LoveAtDaisys, I would recommend that you wait a little longer before you start dating. "My STBX has already started dating; why should I be true to my vows if he isn't true to his?" is NOT a good reason to start dating. Divorce is not a competition to see who can "move on" first.

What it IS is an opportunity to learn from your past mistakes, rectify them as best you can, heal your wounds (recent and old), become a whole person again, and move forward to create the life YOU want to live, on your own terms. Figure your own sh!t out before you bring another person into the mix. 

That takes a lot of work, either on your own (with a good collection of books) or with the help of a counselor/therapist. Don't skip this step; otherwise, you run a very good chance of making the same mistakes all over again, just with someone else.

I might feel like the marriage is over now, that you're ready, but there's still a lot of emotional unpacking that happens up through and continues after the divorce. Jumping into dating immediately allows you to shift your energies elsewhere and avoid dealing with your sh!t. 

You have plenty of time to date and do relationships. Literally. You have the rest of your life. This time is for you, and you alone. A lot of women, we stop looking after ourselves when we're in a relationship. We pour everything we have into the man and into the relationship, and we neglect ourselves and our needs. Take care of YOU. Love YOU, nurture YOU. 

Then you can date ALL YOU WANT. Because, seriously, you have the rest of your life.

*hugs*


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with Pink on this. I got into a relationship not too long after divorce. I had done the IC, self help, TAM, work on myself, D was finalized and felt I was in excellent shape to commit again... give it another go. 

There are so many layers that we don't see until we peel back others. And even if we think we've done all the really great communication with a new partner, things will still surface and we need to have the tools ready to deal with them properly. 

Not trying to be discouraging, it certainly is possible for the next round to be sooo much better. But we need to fully understand ourselves in order for that to happen.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

zillard said:


> I agree with Pink on this. I got into a relationship not too long after divorce. I had done the IC, self help, TAM, work on myself, D was finalized and felt I was in excellent shape to commit again... give it another go.
> 
> There are so many layers that we don't see until we peel back others. And even if we think we've done all the really great communication with a new partner, things will still surface and we need to have the tools ready to deal with them properly.
> 
> Not trying to be discouraging, it certainly is possible for the next round to be sooo much better. But we need to fully understand ourselves in order for that to happen.


Here's the thing.

To be healthy, you need to do the work Z is describing.

Some have the opportunity to do it "with" your current spouse. That would be people like me.

Others have spouses that check out (like Z), so they go through it alone or with a rebound... or some combination of both.

Z even found the crap with his family was just as difficult as the crap with X... and now the crap with T.

There is no substitute for this work... or the rewards you gain from doing it.

It's just the venue where you observe your own internal concert of parts that varies.


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