# Depression ruined my 14 year marriage



## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

Well....hmm.

My wife gave me word last night that I would be served papers today. I've been clumsily trying to put the pieces of my marriage back together since June 24th of 2008. I've been woefully unsuccessful in my efforts to say the very least.

For those who come across this thread, I hope this helps you see at least one example of the harmful effect of depression within a relationship.

For years I have obsessed about what I thought a relationship should be. I'm a good bit old-fashioned. However, being reared “old-fashioned” can have a certain quirky, down-side to it. One of those sides is the way I've shaped and molded what I believe in my mind is/was the family structure and the duty or contribution of each person in the family. I blame it on shows like "Leave it to Beaver" and "Father Knows Best"...I kid but, only a little.

I have cemented in my head, the Father is the bread winner; the Mother stays home to rear children; dinner at 5pm; stories at bedtime and conversation with the wife when the kids are asleep. But.... That's not how things turned out....that's just how I thought it was supposed to be. And, here we rib young ladies and tell them to put away pipe dreams of a big, fancy, white wedding, two children, Victorian home, white picket fences, parties with friends, all day spas and all things peachy. Some men are just as guilty of lofty ideas concerning marriage. At any rate....

I became very uncomfortable in my ability to provide for my family after our second child, 9 years ago. I have a degree in Computer Science. I was laid off twice in less than a 3 year period. This was around the Dot.Com bust time frame. I lost my job x2, my house, my car and what little savings and 401K I had accumulated. We lived way within our means, made frugal financial choices, small house, small cars, minimal debt and we still got walloped by an employment sector that was extremely volatile. These events took a huge toll on me mentally. I was scared, destroyed and humbled the first time I had to go to a church and ask for a food donation.

Pitch forward three months from the “Food Donation” event, one decent break and one can find me in the job that I have held for 7 years. It wasn’t a terribly rosy start though. In the job that I currently hold, a certain person was well on their way to establishing a strong pattern for creating an extremely hostile work environment. The man that I replaced resigned because of this person, as did the gentleman before him. In essence, it looked as though I was next in succession to receive a daily brow beating until I too could no longer endure the daily suffering of this particular environment and move on so that the next person could take the hot seat. Unfortunately, I had to endure this punishment each and every day for five years because I had a family to provide for. My chain of command seemed very put off by my mentioning this co-worker’s poor office behavior. However, I could not quit or resign. I had a financial responsibility to my family first. My personal feelings were insignificant in the matter. My choices were limited. I had to persevere for my family’s sake. What little sense of dignity I held on to through these events, I tried to preserve. It was hard. I felt more and more desperate every day.

In the beginning, I spoke to my wife about my issues at work on several occasions. Each time, she put forth a response that I felt was sweet but, naïve and irresponsible. She said, “If you are not happy there, find another job. We will manage.” After receiving this reply from her on more than one occasion I decided that she was not the bastion of wisdom I so badly needed to help me through my difficult work situation. The workplace continued to be a trip into 8th hell and I felt like I had no one to turn to for help. And thus, I began a downward spiral into serious depression. 

As it were, I dealt with my depression like many do. I held it in and tried to deal with it. I didn't talk to anyone else. I didn't seek a doctor for medication. I didn't do these things because, as a person who is old-fashioned, I sort of felt people would look down on me as being weak, malcontent or trivial. And, all the while, I tried to handle this growing depression that was slowly consuming my family and I.

I did find a way to cope with my depression to a point. Being a person of above average computer literacy, I took up PC-Based, MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). Computer games took me into a virtual world, with real people, where I had an enormous amount of control in my surroundings. This virtual world was completely 180 degrees from where my real world was and I immersed myself completely. The pain and suffering in my life were stemmed, if only for a short time….much like the effect of a drug or alcohol. I became irritated when my wife would ask me to go to church, social gatherings, parties or to see her family because it took me away from the world where I had control. My depression was in a different place when I was playing the game. And, so were my wife and children.

I realized too late that I had made a poor choice in life. My wife is adamant about divorce. There is nothing I can do about that. I feel like I have been in a coma for years and just now my eyes have opened but, it is too little, too late. Her love for me is crushed and she is moving and on. I reckon I will move on as well. I’ve gained an enormous amount of wisdom throughout this whole ordeal but, at a terrible, terrible cost. I hope to share my experience with others; that they may gain wisdom through my suffering.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

In my opinion, depression did not ruin your marriage. Your choice to stay in an unhappy job and cope with your pain by being addicted to online games was more the culprit. Many people cope with hardships by being closer to family and the things they love. Yet, it seemed you rejected your wife's kind offer to be positive. Even if you give up now, I still think some sort of therapy will help your depression. Good luck.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You mishandled the job, but your wife mishandled you. Obviously much water has gone under the bridge and you have not told us everything. One thing that might work would be to print out your post and give it to her. Perhaps you have never explained it all to her this succinctly?


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## JasonL115 (Apr 27, 2009)

You can't mess around with depression, it'll beat you every time if you don't do battle with it using the right weapons.

You're smart and computer literate, get your ass online and start doing some research. In almost all cases depression is the result of an inherited dysregulation of brain chemicals which are not present in enough quantities to keep your mood stable.

This dysregulation can effect your whole life- your relationships, your job, your ability to deal with stress. It can effect your sexual functioning and even your ability to fall in love and maintain those feelings over the long term.

Get to a doctor and get on some medication that will boost the availability of the chemicals the brain needs for you to function normally in this world.

Depression can get worse as you get older. When you're young you may just consider yourself, and be considered by others, to be "moody" This is a warning sign.

Don't let this take over your whole life. Get some help for it. Otherwise you will end up lonely, maybe suicidle and unable to do even the most basic life skills.

Others will only cut people with chronic anxiety and depression so much slack, then they will leave to preserve their own sanity. NOBODY can understand what it's like to suffer with this so don't expect a lot of sympathy and understanding.

This is a lifelong battle and even when it seems you have it under control it has a way of sneaking up on you again. You have to be vigilant. Therapy can help you analyze the symptoms and understand them and this will be another weapon in your arsenal.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I URGE you to see someone and talk about this. My husbands depression has nearly cost us our family for the second time in two years. The first time, once he felt "ok" he quit the meds and therapy...and here we are, almost two years to the DAY...going thru the same uphill battle to salvage our marriage. Your disengagement from your family is quite common in depression, especailly with men. My hubby disengaged, and turned to other women to ease the feelings of inadequacy that he was so overwhelmed with. I have watched the downward spiral for months, and he has only been on meds for a month now. 
He is going back to therapy next week, because he simply does not know how to cope with the underlying issues that trigger his depression. It is also a chemical issue within his family. Do the work, even if your marriage is over...do it, so that you do not repeat the same patterns in your next relationship.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> I URGE you to see someone and talk about this. My husbands depression has nearly cost us our family for the second time in two years. The first time, once he felt "ok" he quit the meds and therapy...and here we are, almost two years to the DAY...going thru the same uphill battle to salvage our marriage. Your disengagement from your family is quite common in depression, especailly with men. My hubby disengaged, and turned to other women to ease the feelings of inadequacy that he was so overwhelmed with. I have watched the downward spiral for months, and he has only been on meds for a month now.
> He is going back to therapy next week, because he simply does not know how to cope with the underlying issues that trigger his depression. It is also a chemical issue within his family. Do the work, even if your marriage is over...do it, so that you do not repeat the same patterns in your next relationship.



Mommybean if you don't mind me asking....my husband too turns to other women, the obvious seems to me that it's easier for them to go there because they have a clean slate no "baggage" so to speak w/these women. My husband too is in therapy and on meds but refuses therapy for his marriage. Has your hubby ever moved out? Does he date these women (sleep w/them?) what does he say when he comes back or you find out? Just curious sorry if I've crossed a line but our situations seem almost parallel your input put would be much appreciated and very welcomed as I'm so lost and confused and it seems as though I'm going to end up losing my husband w/o being able to do anything about it. He'll constantly say that it was great here etc and I that I was a good faithful very tolerant wife but that he just doesn't "feel" it anymore and won't try because he knows it won't come back. To me it's as though he's just being lazy and it's easier for him to start over no matter what he has or had rather than working to mend and keep what he knows can be wonderful if he just makes the effort...god I love that man and I so don't want to lose him.


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## tonyandre (Jun 17, 2009)

Dan-O,

I was in the same situation as you. All year last year I was threatened to be laid off, and then it finally happened in October. I was so worried and depressed with our wedding expenses, that i sought out professional help and medication. Thing only got worst by playing the addictive online game known as "World of Warcraft". 

Right now we're both separated, the lines of communication are breaking down, and I feel like our future together as a couple might not happen. I have quit playing the game, however my wife has not. She still plays, and spends her evenings and even weekends playing the game with her "virtual friends" that I don't like. She won't admit that she has a problem, but she does.

You're in a better place than I am. At least you are not separated. Word of advice, quit the game, and when arguing has died down, suggest seeking professional help individually and together.

Hope this helps Dan-O. Things can only get better from here on out, as long as you are both positive and have the will to make things work.

- Tony


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## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

Dan-O said:


> Well....hmm.
> 
> My wife gave me word last night that I would be served papers today. I've been clumsily trying to put the pieces of my marriage back together since June 24th of 2008. I've been woefully unsuccessful in my efforts to say the very least.
> 
> ...



Ignore Sensitive. He or she does not have a clue.

The reality is that years and years of stress can indeed CAUSE depression as it changes your brain chemistry, namely, reducing your serotonin levels. I am sure you know this.

One reality that Sensitive apparently knows nothing about is working in a highly competitive technical field (which I do, namely engineering). I understand exactly how brutal that environment can be, and how depressing the advice your wife gave could appear. I would LOVE to be able to walk out of my job and grab a better one in some less hostile environment. Oh that's right, those opportunities don't exist!

As far as dealing with the depression by immersing yourself in an addictive substance or activity, that is completely understandable. Don't get me wrong it is NOT justified, but it is not a personal failing of YOU, it is a failing of your brain to not have the right chemistry. You naturally gravitate toward things that will help to soothe or cover your depression.

The SSRI antidepressants may help you, but since you are admittedly "old school" maybe therapy would work better?

And you know, I think your wife is WRONG if not EVIL to divorce you in this situation. I can tell from your post that you are a thoughtful, good person that has had a rough ride. Guess what? Bad things happen to good people that can affect them in negative ways so that they make bad choices. What happened to that vow she took? 

I think she will regret making that decision. She will hunt long and hard to find another one like you.


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## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

It's been awhile since I last posted. I appreciate the constructive posts. Thank you for the encouragement and advice.

Unfortunately, my now ex-wife and I divorced July 2nd, 2009. She protested going to a marriage counselor or priest with me. She was beyond reproach on the whole matter. I'm afraid she had enough time to muster the necessary resolve to see the matter of our marriage to its final blow. 

The real downside to all of this is that my ex-wife received the children in our divorce. My ex-wife's parents are extremely wealthy and I just didn't have enough money to fight for the kids. At this point, I just try to be there for the children whenever I can. I have to say this is the hardest part. My oldest daughter says that my son cries for me every night. My youngest daughter, the quiet, shy, little introvert ran down the sidewalk crying with her arms out as I dropped them off and drove away. I seriously thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I cried like I have never cried before.

There is somewhat of an upside. The person who created such a hostile work environment has been forcibly moved to a completely different department. I won't get into the details of the transfer. I'll just say that this person crossed an important someone and received re-assignment.

I'm in therapy twice a week now. Naturally, since the terrible co-worker is out the office, I have very little stress, sans work deadlines. I haven't gamed since 2008. My therapist said that I am the picture of decent mental health and that I just had a really long, rough, emotional stretch. I feel there is still a long road ahead of me...and for my children.

I wish my wife had reconsidered. I'm a good man, a good husband and a good father. I had a rough time getting through a really deep issue. I know not to go it alone now.

Dan-O


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I feel for you and can identify with your story. A year ago my husband felt that life was dealing too much pressure and his checking out was with someone 20 years younger than me and he had an affair with her for 6 months. While we have reconciled and he has worked really hard to make up for this, it may not be possible. The damage was done. While he was checking out, I was managing his business, working more hours than I could handle at my own job as his business had really slowed (and he wasn't out there picking up new business), took care of the kids, social obligations, bills etc. I didn't get to check out, someone had to be there parent. 

Now the roles are reversing. No, I'm not having an affair, its something I could never ever do. But I'm the one who checks out and sometimes I am unable to deal with all of these pressures. In fairness to me much of our marriage I've always dealt with bills and major decisions and as part of our reconciliate my husbad has committed to taking on his part and he is doing that but I seem to ... slide. I can't focus, I can' deal with things. My checking out is online in forums or facebook that kind of thing. 

Anyway, guess I'm saying your story hit home and your telling me to get control of it or it might destroy the fragile relationship we already have. 

I wish you all the best though and hope that it does turnaround for you.


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