# Irritation and confusion due to communication issues



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

Hi folks, I am struggling with three particular communication issues that I am having with my future wife, and I'd like to ask for a advice for a proper way to deal with that, whether I should accept that behavior, whether I should set or keep my boundary, or whether there are other efficient ways to deal with that. I've done a lot of research in the last three years on how to improve myself and establish a longlasting marriage, especially in the from books and blogs of marriage counselor John M Gottman, which have been really helpful and insightful for me. However despite all research these issues do not seem to be covered anywhere.

One of the issues may be a cultural one, whereas two of them trigger traumas from my past, because my ex-wife was emotionally/mentally abusive. A bit of a background about myself: I am 48 and previously had been in a toxic marriage for more than 20 years, and have three adult children. It was a bi-cultural and bi-national marriage (European/SE Asian), and this also applies to my current relationship, so my future wife is from SE Asia as well (so I haven't given up on that bi-cultural thingy yet). She has a bunch of kids between 9 and 15 y.o., and we have a LDR since June last year.

When talking about the mentioned communication issues with her, most of the time I get responses like "learn to deal with my crankiness" or "how long do you want to bring your triggers and traumas into this relationship?". The latter is a valid question on its own, but now the description of the issues:

1. She expresses a wish, but expects it to be declined by me

Example: she asked to reduce communication significantly (instead of daily chatting just write emails once or twice a month). The pretext was to allow us some time to get some private stuff done, but my interpretation was that this relationship might be too close for her and that she just needed a bit more space.

It never occurs to me that someone expresses a wish and wants it to be *declined*. For me it means that I make efforts to *fulfill *it to make her comfy with me. However she wants to make sure that I know what I want for myself, disregarding her wishes, because according to her a man has to know what he wants. It means that she asks me to be egoistic and ignore her wishes, right? That is really hard for me, and it leaves me confused because it is very hard for me to tell when she means her request seriously and when she expects it to be declined.

2. Giving "alternatives"

Not sure why this is triggering me so much, maybe because my ex-wife frequently threatened me with divorce if I don't act the way she expected. And now that pattern appears again, though with more subtlety:

Examples:
- "If you're serious with me, then come here! If you're afraid with a lot of things, then skip this!"
- "If you don't like me, don't try so hard to like me"
- "Do you think I should open an opportunity for another relationship?"

In order to not have to hear these "alternatives" again, it made me go for them a few times, and we had several almost-breakups because of that. Luckily we were able to reconnect again after that.

3. "Putting words in my mouth"

Putting words in my mouth that I had never said nor meant was a weapon my ex-wife frequently used during arguments, that's why I am very sensitive to that. And now I have to face it again 

Example: "And why you really hate to see me? Coz I'm not pretty??"

The context of that situation was that she had sent me a video, and I didn't watch it, because it had never arrived here, and she interpreted it, that I don't want to see her, because I may be angry. That's completely wrong of course. It really made me feel upset, but instead of taking me seriously, she was just mocking the idiom ("I don't take any words in my mouth, I only take food in my mouth" - I should be a lucky husband then :grin2: jk). 

She said that this kind of implication would be very usual in Asian cultures to derive some implicit knowledge from the situation with this "logic". For me this is just outrageous, not only because it is prone to huge misunderstandings, but also because it was used as a psychological weapon in the past.

These situations caused a lot of friction, and happened about once a month (yeah, often PMS was involved, but still...), and since I am committed to making this successful and longlasting, I am trying to find an efficient way to deal with this. 

Thanks for reading and giving advice


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Maybe because your previous marriage was so toxic, this seems like a piece of cake but damn man, marriage should not be this hard, especially when this is still supposed to be the pre-Honeymoon stage where everything is wine and roses or beer and pizza! 

You are focused on what you can do and be in terms of a successful husband that you may be missing the part of having the partner that is going to make all of that hard work and dedication worthwhile.

I fear you are setting yourself up for even more pain with this woman. Again, I am thinking it's because you are confident with your new insights on how to be a better husband but also again, I think that's impacting your vision on being with the 'right' woman. You were given a 2nd chance to find love and happiness. I put up with a lot of $$it with my STBXW for 18 years because I thought that was how it was supposed to be and what was important to me was having one partner from beginning to end, to go through life together with our kids, our grandkids (in about 15 or so years) our retirement and our vacations together. Now that it will be ending in a month or so, I realize that in my next relationship(s) I will not put up with that stuff because my previous dream of having the same partner through life from beginning to end is over, it will be time for a new dream where I am looking for the person that compliments me and I do the same in almost every aspect of life.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry...

This drama Queen rides atop your past drama Queen ex-wife.

Avoid people who play with your feelings.

It appears that she views you as one does a piano.
She picks and chooses what keys to stroke, which keys to thumb, hard.

Move on...past Asia.
Find Eden.

Look for the lush green.

Avoid the stinging nettles, the vines and the Asian Kudzu.
Those who envelop, strangle you.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Why do you keep picking high-drama and high-difficulty women from half a world away to date? Aren't there any pretty - and sane - women in Germany that you could have a chance to form a more normal, natural, and not long-distance relationship with? 

Sure, cultural issues will abound in your situation, but it also seems like you're once again tying yourself to a woman that's really, really, hard to deal with. It really seems like you and your fiancée are incompatible on a number of fronts - communication, culture, expectations, emotional needs, honesty, and probably more. Don't you think you deserve a relationship with someone with whom you're actually compatible? Is this woman someone you're really eager to support and spend the rest of your life with. 

By the way, your comment that she has "a bunch of kids between 9 and 15" really makes it seem like you're not engaged with her children. You do realize that if you marry her, you will be partially (at the very least) supporting her children? You should never marry anyone with children unless you're as eager to spend your life with the children as you are with your partner. Are you eager to become a part of her family and help her raise her children? Your phrasing indicates...maybe not.


----------



## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Sounds like a lot of issues for early in the relationship. I can't get past this one: she wants to email once or twice a month?

Is that the level of closeness you want from the woman who would be your wife? I would drop her and try again, seriously.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

kekkek said:


> Sounds like a lot of issues for early in the relationship. I can't get past this one: she wants to email once or twice a month?
> 
> Is that the level of closeness you want from the woman who would be your wife? I would drop her and try again, seriously.


Even worse than the email twice a month is he is trying to figure out if that means, do that or if she is saying that and she wants the opposite to happen.

None of us really know what's going on in a woman's head to some extent but if the Da Vinci Code is easier to solve than what this woman is trying to say and do, it's not a good thing!


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

**** tests. Walk away.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Is this some kind of oversea's mail order bride?
Your not even married yet and you have these many problems?

Guess what... If you spend time reading this forum, or any of the books you mentioned, you will realize that people can only change themselves. She wont be changing..

So why get married (and legally/financially bound) to a women like this?????????

You shouldnt have to put this much effort into a relationship


----------



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

Thanks for your replies so far.



Rowan said:


> Why do you keep picking high-drama and high-difficulty women from half a world away to date?


Well, like me she also has a past of abuse from her spouse, and I was particularly looking for someone with similar experience like me, because that would increase the mutual understanding. 



Rowan said:


> Aren't there any pretty - and sane - women in Germany that you could have a chance to form a more normal, natural, and not long-distance relationship with?


I guess there are. There are other reasons for that choice. From physical violence in my childhood i wanted to get away from the Christian religions, and Atheism is not my cup of tea.. And I had been in Asia in the early 90s, so I was a kind of commuter between the cultures.



Rowan said:


> Is this woman someone you're really eager to support and spend the rest of your life with.


She is. Apart from these quirks she is a sweet one, someone I want to make efforts for, as she wants to make efforts for me, too. After all I am not easy to deal with either. 



Rowan said:


> By the way, your comment that she has "a bunch of kids between 9 and 15" really makes it seem like you're not engaged with her children. You do realize that if you marry her, you will be partially (at the very least) supporting her children? You should never marry anyone with children unless you're as eager to spend your life with the children as you are with your partner. Are you eager to become a part of her family and help her raise her children? Your phrasing indicates...maybe not.


Sorry, just my poor wording. She has five kids, one of them living with their father, and four with her. I am fine with her kids, I had been with them for four weeks last December and already supporting them financially since then. Oddly enough I didn't have any issue during the time when I was there. It's just the distance that makes it difficult.



kekkek said:


> I can't get past this one: she wants to email once or twice a month? Is that the level of closeness you want from the woman who would be your wife?


This was an obvious one because she wanted me to *deliberately decline* that wish. Her concern was for me to develop, since obviously in the past I had issues with having my own wishes (my XW made plenty of use of that to realize her own wishes). While I agree to her aim, I doubt that the way she tried to accomplish that is very ineffective. It is even very risky..



Steve2.0 said:


> Is this some kind of oversea's mail order bride?


No... but I guess that was modern in the 80s before the time of the internet... 



Steve2.0 said:


> If you spend time reading this forum, or any of the books you mentioned, you will realize that people can only change themselves. She wont be changing..


That's very right, and that's why I asked for advice for *me* to deal with the communication issue efficiently.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Well most people have already told you to walk away... but if your the type of person that wants to try to 'save' someone and get into a long term problematic relationship then I can recommend reading a book called "when I say no, i feel guilty"

It will help you with conversations and removes manipulation from them.... enable you to have clear communications...


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

"Well, like me she also has a past of abuse from her spouse, and I was particularly looking for someone with similar experience like me, because that would increase the mutual understanding."

I think the only arena where this type of thinking works is if you are a high profile athlete or actor/actress and you want to have the same understandings of what it will be like to live day to day life. Other than that, finding someone who has the same baggage as you is not a great qualifier when finding a mate. What we are trying to tell you is that you are picking a 2.0 version of your previous wife. Don't waste what you have learned on being a better person and man on something that is going to leave you twice as miserable.


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

"Well, like me she also has a past of abuse from her spouse, and I was particularly looking for someone with similar experience like me, because that would increase the mutual understanding."

Huh????? 

Why in the world would you want to have to care for 5 kids who are not yours? Are you not interested in having children of your own?

More important for now, OP, what was her childhood like? And yours?


----------



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> Why in the world would you want to have to care for 5 kids who are not yours? Are you not interested in having children of your own?


I already have three adult children, and having more own children is a closed chapter for me. And I don't mind taking responsibility for her children.



Keke24 said:


> More important for now, OP, what was her childhood like? And yours?


Physical violence by (mainly) my dad, that caused me to withdraw emotionally and move away from home as quickly as possible. And as for her, her mom was basically the same abusive towards her like my XW to her daughters, so she broke off contact to her, like my eldest daughter broke off contact to my XW (lots of similarities). We are both struggling to escape that vicious circle of violence and abuse and triggers and traumas...


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Bodo Fraggins said:


> We are both struggling to escape that vicious circle of violence and abuse and triggers and traumas...


Sorry, but I don't understand this mind set at all. If you are struggling, then how about counseling with a professional? (Sounds like she could use it too.) Because, from what you've written so far, it sounds like two drowning people trying to save one another from going down for the third time without a life raft.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

While I am not too sure you are willing to understand this... Here Goes...

Bottom line, When two people are compatible and really in love with one another, it is not this hard.

These "Issues" go away when you have two healthy people, in love that know what they want out of life. 

The drama, the communication issues and all of this just don't happen like this. 

And if you are dating, it really is a good idea to be together and not any type of long distance. 

So what I am saying is, maybe she is not the one. And since you may not understand what a really loving and healthy relationship looks like, MAYBE you want to understand that part first and then pick a woman that you can actively date...

Does that make sense????


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time have you actually spent with this woman, in person? What is the longest length of time?

This entire thing has disaster written all over it. One of the major problems with long distance relationships is that you don't know who the other person really is. You have to be physically present in a person's live on a daily basis to find out who they really are.

What you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg. The things that you have shared here are small manifestations of huge problems that will infect your life after you marry this woman. 

How many children does she have? Will she be moving to your country after marriage or will you be moving. What about your own children? Will they be near you once you are married?


----------



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> How much time have you actually spent with this woman, in person? What is the longest length of time?


Four weeks 24/7, and it was a great time. During that time we didn't have any communication issues at all. Maybe since body language makes about 90% of communication, such problems could be avoided. 



EleGirl said:


> How many children does she have?


Five. Four of them living with her.



EleGirl said:


> Will she be moving to your country after marriage or will you be moving.


She will be moving here. Maybe later after retirement we will move there.



EleGirl said:


> What about your own children? Will they be near you once you are married?


My children are studying in cities one to six hours away from here. But I hope they will visit me often like now. My daughters and her daughters have common hobbies and interests, so I hope this will keep them connected well.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your not seriously going to marry her?

Out of the frying pan into the fire.


----------



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

Sure, why not. Isn't it better that the difficulties show up right in the beginning rather than when you "fall out of love"? It can save a lot of disappointment.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> I was particularly looking for someone with similar experience like me.


Like you, Bodo, I was married to an abusive exW for a long time -- 15 years in my case. Based on that experience, I can tell you that you know virtually nothing about your current GF. 

If she is abusive like your exW, you almost certainly will not see strong signs until you're about 4 to 6 months into the relationship. In a LDR where you've spent only a month with her, the infatuation she has will hold her fears at bay for several months. You likely experienced that same honeymoon period with your exW at the beginning of your relationship with her.

What is most concerning about your current GF's behavior is that, so early into the relationship, she has so little ability to trust you that she has already started insisting that you jump through hoops. And, when you do so successfully, it does nothing to prove your love or devotion. Instead, she simply raises the hoop higher the next time she insists you jump through (e.g., suggesting you do something that you are expected to decline).

As @*NobodySpecial* stated so concisely, you apparently are being administered a series of _"**** tests._" I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 Warning Signs*_ and keep a look out for them in the coming months -- in case they start appearing strongly. I suspect you've already seen most of them in your exW's behavior.


----------



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

Indeed, some of them were present in my XW (2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 11, 16), but couldn't see any of them in my currently lady (but maybe I am just blind). Thanks for this helpful list.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This woman is playing games with you. She is a drama queen. Run from this relationship. She is not on your side. You should be on the same side, not playing games with a winner and a loser. This is not a communication problem at all. She is doing messing with you on purpose.


----------



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> She is doing messing with you on purpose.


Hm... I wonder what the purpose of that messing is then. :scratchhead:


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bodo Fraggins said:


> Hm... I wonder what the purpose of that messing is then. :scratchhead:


Manipulation. Manipulation is used to control a situation.

This is how many people operate.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Bodo Fraggins said:


> Hm... I wonder what the purpose of that messing is then. :scratchhead:


Instead of putting any focus on trying to figure her out, it would behoove you to figure out why you think this current relationship would be any better than the previous one.

Granted, you are going to marry this woman no matter what anyone says, which is fine. Your life. Your choice.

But it isn't realistic or healthy to try to figure out how to react to her. Notice I said REACT rather than act. People with healthy boundaries don't have to react. They set their limits as to what is and is not acceptable, then they act on those limits. 

This isn't a love story of two relatively emotionally healthy people. This is a story of two people carrying lots of baggage from their past. Fixable? Yes. But not the way your are currently approaching it.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Bodo Fraggins said:


> Isn't it better that the difficulties show up right in the beginning rather than when you "fall out of love"?


Uh, okay, sure ... But what makes you think said "difficulties" are not going to get worse as time goes on? And when the difficulties become more of an obstacle to the healthy growth of a mature relationship, then what? Granted, life is full of difficulties, but why take on more than is necessary?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Bodo Fraggins said:


> Sure, why not. Isn't it better that the difficulties show up right in the beginning rather than when you "fall out of love"? It can save a lot of disappointment.


You honestly think it’s going to get better?

Well then best of luck.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

…….oh, and by the way, her kids will hate you…..

Carry on. 

It feels like I'm watching a toddler chasing after a balloon in the direction of a busy intersection.


----------



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Instead of putting any focus on trying to figure her out, it would behoove you to figure out why you think this current relationship would be any better than the previous one.


There's a whole lot of reasons. Just to list a few crappy things from my XW that I expect not to happen any more: 
- no more contemptuous sarcasm during arguments
- no silent treatments after that
- no blame games
- no more hysterical screaming during argument ("Daddy, when mom and you have arguments, I can only hear mom", comment from my eldest daughter when she was 12 y.o.)
- no more threatening with divorce, if things don't go the way she expects
- no more manipulating (e.g. what she said to me about her friend: "you want to trust that b****, or me whom you have been married to for 23 years?", and to her friend: "you want to trust that a$$**** of STBXH, or me whom you have been friends with for 20 years?"; comment from my eldest daughter recently: "she's a manipulative b****", and she used the English words, so no translation necessary)
- no more insisting to be right even when she's clearly wrong
- no more complete absence of empathy (I know I really need empathy, and mostly it's men who are lacking that, but here it was the other way around)
- no more getting back to old issues when arguments are running out
- no more power struggle (I am really tired of that, it's not my game)
- no more abuse (e.g. setting up a slandering letter to someone in my name in order to satisfy her need for revenge, making use of my guilt feelings; holding virtually a gun at my head, saying "you cut off that friend, or I will head for divorce")

And the most important: both, my future W and me, know that we have to make efforts to achieve a happy relationship, and we are both working on that. Prior to 2015 I didn't know that efforts are needed, so I let it flow.. and let it deteriorate until it was beyond repair. I thought it was normal that it would go that way after years of marriage, that's why I stayed in that toxic marriage for so long, and for the sake of the kids, of course. But now I want to make the efforts right from the beginning, and my future W has the same understanding about that. That's the reason why I am optimistic that it can be happy and successful, in spite of all the scars and triggers and traumas.



Prodigal said:


> People with healthy boundaries don't have to react. They set their limits as to what is and is not acceptable, then they act on those limits.


Yes, I haven't said it yet, but this is exactly what I have been doing, especially regarding "putting words in my mouth", I have made it clear to her last time it happened, and she understands it, even though she said that it would be a usual thing over there. That's why I asked whether anyone has found an effective way to deal with that.



Prodigal said:


> This isn't a love story of two relatively emotionally healthy people. This is a story of two people carrying lots of baggage from their past. Fixable? Yes. But not the way your are currently approaching it.


What way are you thinking of here? Professional help? I had both, professional help for myself and marriage councelling, too (together with my XW).

I had professional help for myself during 2015, depression treatment, including several months away from home to get out of that toxic environment. This was extremely helpful, because I learned to set boundaries, to say "no" when necessary, to take care of myself, to not give in immediately when arguments arise, to be ok with having my own wishes and dreams and a lot more. It gave me the energy to make an attempt to fix that broken marriage, and finally head for divorce after realizing that it cannot be fixed any more.

However the marriage counseling was quite poor. At that time we (me and my XW) had three different marriage counselors, and it seemed to me that none of them could approach the core of the problem. Maybe at that time it had already been too late to fix. One of the marriage counselors suggested to get individual help, but that just caused her a tantrum later ("I'm not going to do that, it's *you* who is crazy, not me"). You cannot help a person as long as they don't see that they need help. After that I read one of the Gottman books ("Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work"), and that was a real eye opener for me. That was the first time that I really felt understood. It felt like as if he had directly interviewed me and written down my story. It was exactly what happened to me, all the steps, all the details. It made clear to me what exactly was toxic in that marriage. And that was the turning point that I got optimistic again that a marriage can be happy, it just needs some work from both spouses. 



ABHale said:


> You honestly think it’s going to get better?


I do, because communication in real life went a lot better than the long distance communication. 



OnTheFly said:


> …….oh, and by the way, her kids will hate you…..


Really? Why do you think that? I remember her eldest son (13 y.o.) said to my future W "go on quickly, find a new dad for us" that tells a lot.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

kekkek said:


> Sounds like a lot of issues for early in the relationship. *I can't get past this one: she wants to email once or twice a month?
> *
> Is that the level of closeness you want from the woman who would be your wife? I would drop her and try again, seriously.


On this once or twice a month emailing?

Is she getting other emails, getting other flesh and blood males in the interim?
Is she still jigging for a sucker fish?

While you are separated, who is tending her garden? Who is trimming her bush?

Yes, this might be a figment, a fig leaf removed from my imagination....
But, I would get someone to observe her while she is removed.

Removed from your sight, oversight.

Never trust that which you cannot see, touch and verify.
It opens you to be wounded, violated by strangers.

She is yet a stranger. She is strange to most of us on TAM.

On the subject of children. The houseful of children.
How many daddies made them?
One? Are you sure?

Think about it....
A women having many children, but not having the temperament to hold and keep a man.
Or, so it seems.

Beware, Will Robinson...danger, danger!


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Why are you putting so much effort into something that's not working smoothly? You had a four week fling (actual physical time together) and now you feel what? Obligated maybe? To make it into a working forever relationship. Do you not have the power to say "WTF?" Her demands are most certainly **** test, manipulation and domination, and you let her get away with calling it "crankiness".

You come from an abusive relationship so maybe your meter is broke, what is going on right now between you two is no where near what a healthy relationship is like. Dump her and get yourself a dog, you will be much much happier!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry,

What I wrote above was 'over-the-top' mean.
I hope I am wrong.

I was tempted to delete that post.

I want to you to view this as: all facets of life's prism being presented to you.
The good, the not-bad, the awful.

Study the merchandise carefully before you buy.
Live with her for a year before you marry.

Good luck in doing that...I bet.




The Host-


----------



## Bodo Fraggins (May 11, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> On this once or twice a month emailing?


Maybe I wasn't speaking plain English. Later she made clear that she expressed her wish for communication reduction not because she wanted that, but she wanted to move me to declare myself against her wish, because in the past I tended to comply with my XW's wishes too much. It seems she wanted to give me a lesson. 



Cooper said:


> Do you not have the power to say "WTF?" Her demands are most certainly **** test, manipulation and domination, and you let her get away with calling it "crankiness".


I do and did have the power to say "WTF". Several times I cut it down after her crankiness, such as her wish to reduce communication. That's what the almost-breakups were about. And whenever that happened, she came back, saying "sorry" for her crankiness. I wouldn't ascribe any malice in her actions, maybe she just wants to explore how far she can go until I set my boundary.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Bodo Fraggins said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > On this once or twice a month emailing?
> ...


I'm sorry man but we are trying to tell you this situation is batsh** crazy. The only times you should get lessons like this is if you were a dog in obedience school or if Tony Stark was preparing to be an Avenger ... Not from your future wife!


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

My interpretation of #1 is that she fears things like you wanting to reduce communications...so she proposes it to see if you really do. She'd prefer a "no" answer. I spent a deal of time in China, and my female colleagues from there tell me that women are culturally ingrained to not ask men directly what they want in a relationship. The men are to make all the proposals and claims and the women are put in control by saying "yes" or "No". They get around this by being indirect. 

But #2 - those are ultimatums, which are never good in relationships. Gottman talks about this.

#3 - Telling you how you feel or think, is also a no-no, discussed in Gottman.

If I remember my Gottman reading (it's not "research" by the way, if you simply read about things - you have to run experiements, and draw conclusions that were not contained in your reading) correctly, #2 tends to be caused by a deep-seated need to have a large amount of control and is unlikely to change. Being with such a person puts you in a subordinate role. I'm OK being a subordinate, you may not be. #3, again if I recall correctly from Gottman, is something a person can be trained to not do.

On the whole, if she is actually saying the things you said, and in those words, I'd probably move on.


----------



## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> I'm sorry man but we are trying to tell you this situation is batsh** crazy. The only times you should get lessons like this is if you were a *dog in obedience school *or if Tony Stark was preparing to be an Avenger ... Not from your future wife!


Exactly. So well put!


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Bodo Fraggins said:


> When talking about the mentioned communication issues with her, *most of the time* I get responses like "learn to deal with my crankiness" or "how long do you want to bring your triggers and traumas into this relationship?".
> 
> Not sure why this is triggering me so much, maybe because my ex-wife frequently threatened me with divorce if I don't act the way she expected. *And now that pattern appears again*, though with more subtlety:


^^THIS.^^ So, in slightly less than one year, you are frustrated and confused by a great deal of the communication that goes on between you. You are frequently "triggered." You see a pattern emerging. 

Come back in several years and let us know how it's going. Good luck.

P.S. - I wanted to add this after I considered what you posted initially. I can't give you advice on how to make this relationship work. She doesn't say what she means or mean what she says a great deal of the time. It's called game playing and far too much of it is going on. What type of relationship/communication skills would I bring to this situation? I wouldn't. Why? Because I don't waste an inordinate amount of my life's time or energy on difficult people. Even the best relationships have challenges, but this is just one big hot mess. So, as I said, come back in a few years and let us know how this pans out. Seriously.


----------



## Bear hug (May 15, 2018)

Sorry but your in an abussive realationship and it’s time to get out before it gets worse


----------

