# Conflict with Wife over Facebook Friends



## rp49 (Nov 15, 2009)

I have been happily married to my wife for over six years. She has been previously married that obviously ended in divorce. She told me that her ex-husband was unfaithful to her. I am very sensitive to what she went through, and I do not have it in my heart to break her heart.

I joined the popular social networking website Facebook to connect with all types of friends (males and females) from my past and present via family, childhood friendships, school, and work. When I joined, I sent friend requests that were accepted by both males and females. I use Facebook to share news with people about important events in my life (obviously not every personal detail) and to catch up with friends and let them know what I have been up to. I also talk noise about football games. My wife seems to have an issue with the amount of females that I have on my page (55% males/45% females). She thinks I have too many female friends on my page. First of all, I don't even ask these women to hang out with me, and I don't interact with them regularly. She demanded that I delete some females off my page, and that it should be an easy decison. What makes it hard is that I am only friends and acquaintances with them, and it ABSOLUTELY goes no further than that whatsoever. I feel that when you remove a friend, it is like a slap in the face to that person and burning a bridge with them for no reason. How dare does she tell me that I do not need to be associated with female friends from my past that I grew up with when I barely talk to them at all. BTW, most of them are married with families of their own. What makes matters worse is that she got irate and made a threat to take a hammer and smash and damage my laptop and desktop computer if I did not make the deletions. This over-the-top behavior from her makes me not want to be around her and questions her security.

I value my marriage to my wife each and everyday, but her insecurity is really working my nerves. I don't feel that I have to take extreme measures like this to prove my love to her. I have no trust issues with her. She had the nerve to delete some of her childhood male friends on her FB page when I told her that she did not have to prove her love to me.

If I am doing something wrong, please help me so I can see an open-minded perspective away from the crack-up and irate moments of rage from my wife. Thanks.


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## Tamgerine (Nov 15, 2009)

I do not believe that you are doing anything wrong, but the truth does not help her insecurities.

Have you tried getting her more involved in the website? Maybe if she had an account, or if you showed her things you were looking at or talking about with these people, she would feel more comfortable over time?


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## rp49 (Nov 15, 2009)

She has a FB page. I have tried to explain to her that when I get on my page and post things to my wall, I cannot control who responds to it. For example, I talk about NFL football games on FB. Some of my female friends respond to it just like my male friends. My postings are in general for anyone to respond.

When I get on FB, I browse my friends pages at random (male or female). The other night, I coincidently browsed a female's page (BTW a married female). I was looking a pictures posted on her page and that was absolutely it. That is when her irate moments started.

I am a friendly person who definitely does not cross boundaries. If a woman tried to flirt with me, then I would definitely put her in her place. My wife needs to know that she is loved very much by me. I don't feel that I have to sugarcoat or babysit her to prove this to her.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

rp49 I understand your point but in my situation it started with fb and went down hill from there in a mater of months. Was it fb to blame no it was my unhappyness because of depression. she found another world out there found old friends to talk to and stoped talking to me. She went and got a blackberry and stays in contact 24 hours a day. The fb time is not as much now but the disconect is still there. Yes, your wife went thru a lot in her last marriage and she is most likely insecure so do what you can so she feels better. There is no worse pain that not being able to trust your spouse.


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## rp49 (Nov 15, 2009)

I have tried to tell her that out of all the females that I have ever interacted with, she is the only one that I know is for real. I give all of my love to her and that's it. Despite of my honest to God assurances, she still does not get it. I have been totally honest with her when it comes to FB, and God knows it. If she does not understand, then I feel the problem is with her.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Your major problem is that your wife doesn't trust you. You might be able to help her feel less threatened by saying something like "I've heard stories of marriages that broke up over FaceBook too, and of course I don't want anything like that to happen. How about we do this: if you agree not to write anything as me, and I agree not to write anything as you, we could share our passwords. So you wouldn't be snooping if you went on FB to look at all my messages, because I'd be inviting you to do it whenever you wanted. And I wouldn't be snooping to look at yours if I felt like it. I haven't written anything I consider the least bit wrong, and I'd be perfectly happy to sit next to you on the sofa and show you every private message I have ever sent or gotten. You can obviously see all the public ones yourself already, so no trouble there. But if you don't want to wait for me, you can have the password and then look whenever you like. Would that help set your mind at ease?"


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## Terra (Nov 14, 2009)

I like the idea of having an enthusiastic 100% agreement decided by both spouses over whatever it is you are deciding on. In this particular situation its about fb friends. So if your wife is not 100% enthusiastic about the female fb friends there is no decision until you can both agree enthusiastically. The deal is, you don't want to make a decision that for your wife will be at her expense no matter what the background reasoning happens to be. Again, decisions have to be made where no one feels at a loss. Its a recipe for disaster in the long haul. You see if you do something that she does not agree to or is uncomfortable with ---simply put--- you will continue to lose points with her. Overtime the points will add up in a negative fashion and she will fall out of love with you. So you do not want to do things that will hurt and cause her concern and anxiety. Yes, its likely not about you its likely more about her background. You see she is trying to help you help meet her particular needs. Sure you can think she is being controlling or maybe it seems like you are losing some kind of personal freedom, but the truth is, this is the stuff that allows you to move towards a deeper more fulfilling relationship that will help towards building lasting trust that will sustain the relationship for the long haul. 

In this situation all the steel trap logic and convincing is plain insensitive. This is about maintaining an emotional connection with your wife. She needs you to stand with her so she can continue to heal and get past this hot button issue for her. Its not about restricting your freedom and fun. She probably knows you are behaving yourself on fb. Again she needs you to stand with her. Be on the same team with her. Hope this helps. I've been married 30 years in 2010!


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

You could always just join your fb accounts. My wife and I had a joint account and we both had friends from the opposite sex on our list.

The trouble came when we mutually decided to get separate accounts. All of a sudden she hated that I had female friends on there and wanted me to stop talking to them.

Of course, her worries were justified, because I ended up having an emotional affair or sorts with a girl from my past through fb. So it DOES happen and although it is based on your wife's insecurities, you MIGHT be best off pandering to her needs and making a compromise.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My husband blatantly lied three separate times about the same internet girl, just to stay friends with her, saying why reject someone. He chats with her, listens to her problems, drove 12 hours to meet her, and gave her a gift over $100. And then he tells me it is all innocent, no sex, no emotional connection, and I have no right to demand that he have zero contact with her. 

Facebook is designed for real life people, not anonymous connections. How many hours are you spending online with these Facebook people? More than 10 minutes per day? Are you online only when your wife is away? Do you have kids? Do you live in a house? Do you have a job? All internet time takes away from other daily tasks. Facebook is just one of them that involves people and jealousy, unlike shoping on amazon.com. If he was not connected to people online, I would only complain about the amount of time he spends away from the kids and me. Since his online time is mostly conversations with people, I feel I am always second best to his favorite mistress, Miss PC.

If you love your wife, why would you even question her request for you to not associate with people she dislikes? It is also very possible she has temptations online from her male friends. Emotional affairs are very easy to start. 

I was a total geek in school, and I feel touched when the class president commented on my status. Am I going to have an affair? NO! Would other men or women in an unstable marriage be thinking about it? ABSOLUTELY!

Just being on this forum is very emotionally involved. Think about it. Do you want to stay married or look at old school friends pictures online?


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

I can see this from both sides. I've never been a big fan of social networking sites because they are like a window into everyone's lives that you can peer into 24/7. I've always been a pretty private person though. 

There is of course a trust and insecurity issue here, but those kind of issues take time to overcome. Even if she sees that she is overreacting and being unfair, actually changing her mindset so she doesn't feel like that about this issue is another matter completely. The fact is, these social networking sites are used for infidelity every day of the week. So if she is a naturally insecure person, this will feed into it. Of course, you know there's no way on earth you'd be unfaithful or do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable, but she probably finds it difficult to accept that.

My advice is to concentrate on ironing out these trust and insecurity issues by spending quality time together. For now, maybe cut down your FB time a little. I don't mean you should reward her for her trust issues, I simply mean you should make sure all is well with your marriage and concentrate on nurturing it for a while


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

A couple of possible tips:

1. Use your posts to compliment your wife - either little nice things, or openly flirt a little for the world to see.

2. Suggest she "friend" any females she is suspicous of. A very common rule that I've heard - if your spouse has a friend of the opposite sex, then make that person your friend too.

Its like saying guns don't kill people - people kill people.

Facebook doesn't kill marriages, but a lot of people - including my wife - have used it as a stepping stone to get closer to people without my knowing it. Its a very common theme around here.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

FB can be both a blessing and a curse. I have known WAY too many people that have "reconnected" with highschool friends, or other past acquaintances and it has turned into an affair. It ALWAYS starts off innocent, but the anonymity that interent social sites offer, make it really easy for things to snowball out of control.On the net, all of the other persons quirks and faults are hidden behind their screen; its easy to pretend to be who the other person wants you to be. It happened in MY marriage, and my H and I now share a MS account and while we both have FB accounts, we know the passwords to each others accounts and can go in and out as we see fit. 
Our best friend, is now going thru a divorce becase her H innocently connected with his high school sweetheart. It was innocent at first(as it was also with my H in the beginning), until they used it as a platform to complain about their RESPECTIVE spouses, since BOTH are married...and now, two months later two marriages and 4 children are destroyed because of their reconnection. 
IMO, it boils down to who is more important to you; your old friends that don't really figure into your current life at all, or your wife and her feelings. Do you have access to each others accounts? If there is nothing to hide, it shouldn't be an issue to give each other your passwords. You could also have your friends also "friend" your wife. If these options don't appeal to you, I would have to wonder why. In the grand scheme of things, a friends list on FB is not a good reason to let your wife feel insecure. So what if your "friends" get upset that they were deleted off of your list. Whose feelings matter more, your wife's or the women on your list?


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

When I met my wife I had a lot of women on myspace. She hated it as time went on not liking women commenting and just being themselves on myspace. She finally told me how all these women on my page made her feel. I thought no big deal I will delete them and did. actually I just deleted the account all together. My marriage is more important than a web based server of friends from future past...besides, I keep in touch with my good friends from back in the day and we talk regularly. 
Today I have a face book account and only have my family and guy friends on there. Again, not a big deal but that's just me...


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Although I still have my account, I absolutley despise that site. After finding out about my wife's EA last year, I have thought long and hard about whether our relationship is strong enough to include a "social networking" site, which is all FB is. 

I have come to the conclusion that if both parties are not willing to allow hte other party to look at their account, while not deleting any private messages, then they shud not have separate accounts. 

It is too easy for a spouse to look elsewhere for an emotional connection with someone than exerting the energy to work on their current marriage. I view the reluctance to delete friends or deactivate an account as a choice of their FB world over their spouse.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

If these people aren't really your friends, why bother friending them in the first place? Since so many people look at FB as a place to prove popularity by how many friends you have, it may very well be that many of these women wouldn't care if you defriended them since they aren't really your friend in the first place.

Secondly, does your wife have complete access to your FB page with password? That way she could look at what messages are being sent back and forth.

To me it seems like a no-brainer -- delete these women and have a happier marriage. Why would a bunch of people that you say mean little/nothigng to you be worth upsetting the woman you married?

It isn't about control. It is about making your wife KNOW that she is #1 in your life. A good woman who knows this will not take advantage of it. She'll be grateful and you will reap the benefits.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

dobo says it all. I agree 100%! Save the battles for things that really matter. If they are barely more than aquaintences, then what is the big deal on deleting them. If you are really worried about hurting anyone's feelings, post a message on your wall saying you are downsizing your fb account and no insult is intended to anyone you remove. Then the next day, do it.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

I would say, this is a result of emotional trauma from her previous marriage. For better or worse, you married a woman with significant baggage and deep wounds. Her ex deeply and profoundly hurt her and those sorts of scars may or may not ever really go away. She feels a deep mistrust to other women giving you any sort of attention because that's probably how it started with her ex. Now you are not THAT man. You are your own man with your own set of behaviors. But, this is her worries. Her fears. Her insecurities. 

From a woman's perspective, I don't know how else you can help her overcome her worries, fears and insecurities, except that you perhaps you stick to being friends with real people. 

For example, my husband and I are both very cautious about who we accept as friends on Facebook. If there are male friends in my list, it is people we really know and absolutely I am extremely careful how and what I say to them, not only in respect to their girlfriends or wives, but also out of respect and deference to my husband. He is careful as well. 

We have a lot of problems in our marriage as it is, but both my husband and myself have agreed to never let the internet or facebook, twitter, or whatever, be just another stumbling block in our marriage. 

Keep your facebook interactions simple and your facebook female "friendships" limited to your physical social network - ie people that both you and your wife know in real life. The internet is fake - these people you've never met could be fake, for all you know, because you're not really socializing with them in physical terms - i.e at parties, or social gatherings, etc. 

People sometimes let loose when it comes to the internet and they do or say things they would not otherwise. Be respectful to your wife and perhaps have a good sit down and get right on down to the nitty-gritty of why she feels this way. Perhaps she is trying to tell you she wants more of your time. Or perhaps she is still deeply struggling with old wounds. For your part, I might suggest you don't do anything that might aggravate old wounds and insecurities. Just my 2 thoughts.


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

Liam said:


> I can see this from both sides. I've never been a big fan of social networking sites because they are like a window into everyone's lives that you can peer into 24/7. I've always been a pretty private person though.


Yes, but people only post what they are comfortable with other people reading. It's not like a hidden camera in your living room.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

Harvard said:


> When I met my wife I had a lot of women on myspace. She hated it as time went on not liking women commenting and just being themselves on myspace. She finally told me how all these women on my page made her feel. I thought no big deal I will delete them and did. actually I just deleted the account all together. *My **marriage **is **more **important **than **a **web **based **server **of **friends **from **future **past*...besides, I keep in touch with my good friends from back in the day and we talk regularly.
> Today I have a face book account and only have my family and guy friends on there. Again, not a big deal but that's just me...





I think what I bolded in Harvard's post sums it up nicely.

Also the underlined part.

That's where I stand on FB. The friends in my life now are those who bothered to stay connected over the years, or people who I interact with in real life. My SO comes first.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Even if the girls get "upset" they will surely understand that you're married and it's ok to delete people. 
I deleted some people from my friend list as soon as I got engaged/married. Some by my own will and some because my h asked me to (distant acquaintances who I didn't bother about but apparently it bothered my husband which I respected) and people don't ask why. 
Some of my guy friends/classmates even stopped talking to me after I got engaged, not because my husband is the very jealous type but because they know I'm married and wouldn't want to cause conflict. It's just common sense. 

On the other hand, my husband lied to me about having his ex gf on his list, claimed to have deleted her which was a lie...when confronted he came up with a bs excuse why he still had her. If you're over her you don't need her to apologize to you especially when you're married. 

So just delete those girls if they bother your wife. She will feel like she can trust you and that you have nothing to hide. If you refuse to delete them she will accuse you of things and you really don't need to damage your wife's trust and your marriage over insignificant acquaintances now do you?


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My wife's FB page is starting to cause me some problems also (in addition to the problems in my thread). I deleted my FB page completely to show her that I am serious about it. I don't like her adding so many guy friends in light of the crap she puts me through. Reading your post and giving you advice is all of a sudden making my situation that much more clear to me.

Do you plan to be married to this woman for the rest of your life? Is she a control freak or does she just have an occasional little thing that bothers her that you can quite easily take care of by your actions? Is she a good woman and treats you with respect most of the time? If so you need to axe the females on your site and make your wife happy and show her that she is number ONE. Anything less is to be disrespectful to her and her feelings. If you keep the friends you ar ebeing immature, IMHO.

I'm not a fan of these sites anymore. Our next door neighbors got a divorce after the wife started flirting on MySpace. She started feeling out where she stood with a lot of the guy "friends" on her page. This caused he to think that the pastures were greener on the other side of the fence and she divorced her husband and turned into somewhat of a ****. Now she lives in an apartment and can barely pay the bills.........but she gets laid by a different guy 3 to 4 times a week. I guess that's what she wanted.


Don't make her ask you again. I would sit her down in front of the computer (without her even bringing it up), log onto FB and start deleting. Then turn to her and tell her that she is the most important person in the world and kiss her and give her a big hug. Problem solved (and I guarantee that you will get some nookie that night).


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