# Do you tell them everything that you do?



## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

A friend invited me to the beach. It is an hour away so it is no biggy. My fiance is upset because I hadnt told him. He said he doesnt understand why i hid the trip.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Many more details needed...


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Like what


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How old are you two, how long in a relationship, was the beach friend a man, did you hide the trip, how did he find out, as much detail as you can think of helps.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Not good to "hide" that you are an hour away on a girls' (or MIXED?!) beach trip. Not good at all.

He's right. You're not. I would be P*SSED if my SO disappeared to the beach on a "trip" without my knowledge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Why would you not want to tell him. Seems like a good thing to share. Is their a reason you were hiding it?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I just hadnt said anything. We were hanging out. We been together a few years. One of my friends took pictures and i guess uploaded them to instagram.

It is not like i was hiding things


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If you want help, stop being evasive and get better at details.

Were you hanging out with other men? Was it a man friend?

What took place at the beach? What pictures did your fiancé see on instagram?

I would be pissed no matter what if my lady took off without letting me know and I found it on Facebook.

I would be ass kicking mad.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Janis said:


> I just hadnt said anything. We were hanging out. We been together a few years. One of my friends took pictures and i guess uploaded them to instagram.
> 
> It is not like i was hiding things


Then my best guess Would be this isn't about you taking the trip but the lack of consideration in communication. I would also be upset if my GF just suddenly went skiing and I first found out about it through Facebook.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Females and one guy. We hung out a few hours and came back. They uploaded pictures of alcohol. I do not drink and am not in the pictures. Just tagged


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm not sure how far away something is determines whether or not it's "a biggy."

Where did your fiancee think you were that day? Did the two of you have plans? Does he often have to find our about your social life via social media because it just "doesn't seem like a big deal to mention it?"

I mean, as a partner that would tell me that you don't really think about including me in your life.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

No, we didnt have plans. He argued that he thought i was busy with family when he didnt hear from me. 

I dont tell him my every move


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So you just went off with your friends with no contact to him about where you are going or when you'd be back?

He's your fiancee. If you already resent the idea of having to tell someone else what you are up to and see basic consideration in a partner having some idea of where you are "telling him your every move" - you have a problem boiling.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Keep the attitude and lose your relationship.

If you don't grow up, I give your relationship 0 chance.

Your fiancé needs a woman. You are still emotionally acting 13.

You might want to put the breaks in the wedding until you get it.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I really didnt mean it like that. Just saying i dont always tell him where i am. So yes he may see me out and about on media. Like i may not necessarily tell him i am at the hair salon but post pictures of my hair. 

I know that is not the same as the beach


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Janis do you and your fiancé live together?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

We dont live together


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> I just hadnt said anything. We were hanging out. We been together a few years. One of my friends took pictures and i guess uploaded them to instagram.
> 
> It is not like i was hiding things


You really need to be more clear. Generally people don't remember all the details even if they participated in your previous threads.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

You have been dating him for something like 2 years. But you do not live together. You see each other less than 8 hours a week.

in the last month he told you that he wanted a space because his ex and teen kids moved back to town. So he was spending a lot of time with his kids and who knows what else. 

When you asked him to talk to you about what the space was about and for how long he became angry and told you off basically for asking.

The details are important.

ETA: Janis... please as these details that describe your relationship in more detail so that you can get answers that fit your relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> I really didnt mean it like that. Just saying i dont always tell him where i am. So yes he may see me out and about on media. Like i may not necessarily tell him i am at the hair salon but post pictures of my hair.
> 
> I know that is not the same as the beach


Does he always tell you what he's doing and where he is?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ok, so you don't live together or spend all that much time together, and he's asked you for space.

Then no, you don't need to tell him your every move. Not at all.

If you were living together it'd be different, obviously.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

Yes, generally when you are fully sharing your life with someone (as one would expect with your fiance or spouse), you generally DO "tell them everything that you do". This is why its called "sharing your life". I'm not talking about every boring, mundane errand you tended to in the day (though many of us mention a lot of that mundane stuff as well!), but something like heading out somewhere with friends, absolutely. (Unless there was a REASON you felt your shouldn't. And that wouldn't be good). Any type of social activity, definitely. Typically in a good, healthy relationship, this just happens naturally because you are so enmeshed with one another and it just comes completely naturally to share the details of your day. 

Having to find out through social media what your significant other has been up to is just bizarre, and puts you on the periphery of their life, rather than smack dab in the center of it, where you belong. 

This is part of what it means to be in an "intimate" relationship. Intimacy doesn't just refer to sex, it refers to_ completely sharing all of yourself _with your partner, including the highlights (and lowlights), and sometimes even mundane details, of your day. So yeah, normally heading out to the beach, an hour away, with a bunch of friends is something you would have just naturally seen fit to mention. At a very minimum, certainly right after you got back (however, BEFORE would be most appropriate and expected). Otherwise, it really seems a little secretive, and that leads to some valid questions and concerns. 

If you don't get this, if it doesn't agree with you, or if that doesn't just come naturally for you to do with the person you are engaged to, it really sounds like you are either not ready to be in that level of relationship, or you are not with the right person. You are looking to maintain too much of a degree of separateness, and that's going to be a problem. On some level, perhaps even subconsciously, you are withholding parts of yourself and there just shouldn't be a reason to do this. If I were your fiance, I'd be wondering WHY you didn't want me to know this. And I'm not the jealous type. You are just not displaying the type of openness that comes with sharing your life with a life-partner. For many people this would be a huge red flag, and would lead one to wonder what else you would feel so comfortable just keeping to yourself. That would be a definite concern. 

Again, it really doesn't sound like you are ready for this level of relationship. When you are in an intimate committed, monogamous relationship with someone who you are really happy with... sharing these type of details comes as naturally as breathing.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You really need to be more clear. Generally people don't remember all the details even if they participated in your previous threads. Correct me if I'm wrong.
> You have been dating him for something like 2 years. But you do not live together. You see each other less than 8 hours a week. in the last month he told you that he wanted a space because his ex and teen kids moved back to town. So he was spending a lot of time with his kids and who knows what else. When you asked him to talk to you about what the space was about and for how long he became angry and told you off basically for asking. The details are important.



Umm, well yeah. These would have been relevant details to know. Paints a slightly different picture...:scratchhead:


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## HappilyMarriedGuy (Nov 16, 2014)

I guess not all relationships are the same, but I certainly wouldn't have gone to the beach without asking:

1) Would you like to come with me
2) Do you mind me going

I'd be rather offended if my wife just decided to go to the beach and never said anything to me.

Yes.... We do tell each other where we are going and how long we expect to be. 

And tbh I get quite upset if my wife is out socially for an evening with friends and doesn't send me a text message - it makes me feel like I'm not even in her thoughts for several hours. It only has to say something like 'Love You X' and at least I know she'd thought about me whilst we're apart.

The question you should ask yourself is how would you feel if your partner just went to the beach without your knowledge and the first you found out about it was seeing a picture on a social media network.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I would think two people in a committed relationship, that supposedly love each other (and you did say you are engaged, so I'm taking that as a given) would discuss their day and what they had done. Omitting it would seem like lying to me.

If y'all aren't discussing your day, what are you talking about? If you just flat out don't talk for extended periods of time (days) I would question how committed you actually are.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You really need to be more clear. Generally people don't remember all the details even if they participated in your previous threads.
> 
> Correct me if I'm wrong.
> 
> ...


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Fyi, i plan on improving my communication about these types of things


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he tell you in advance every thing he does?

Well besides when he needed space for a while.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

NWCooper said:


> I would think two people in a committed relationship, that supposedly love each other (and you did say you are engaged, so I'm taking that as a given) would discuss their day and what they had done. Omitting it would seem like lying to me.
> 
> If y'all aren't discussing your day, what are you talking about? If you just flat out don't talk for extended periods of time (days) I would question how committed you actually are.


We normally talk each day when the other is off work. For us, we discuss i suppose the most interesting parts of our day, things that happened at work, his kids, our hobbies. His issue is that i hadnt said anything before going. Its not unusual for me to hang out and mention it later


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Does he tell you in advance every thing he does?
> 
> Well besides when he needed space for a while.


Simply, no.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> Simply, no.


Ok so this is a new thing.

In the past neither of you have told the other everything, or asked the other for permission to do things. 

The he pulls the "need space" thing and disappears basically for what a week? 2 weeks? How long was it?

Now that he's back suddenly he's upset because you did not tell him before hand.. which is normal for your relationship.

Have the two of you had a through discussion of is 'needing space' and cleared that up?

With the way your relationship has been, you did what was the norm. I think you need to sit him down and have a long talk with him. If he wants you to tell him everything you do, before you do it, then he has to do the same.

Have you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" yet? You really need this book. It will help you in the discussions like this that have to go on before you go much further with this relationship.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I feel like i really need to really reconsider things. Several issues recently. At the same time, i feel like i should try to work on it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> We normally talk each day when the other is off work. For us, we discuss i suppose the most interesting parts of our day, things that happened at work, his kids, our hobbies. His issue is that i hadnt said anything before going. Its not unusual for me to hang out and mention it later


This talk is usually on the phone, right?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The devil is in the details youngster. Be thankful for Ele.

For what it is worth, I think you deserve a better relationship. Weather your current man shapes up and gives you what you need or you realize you deserve and need more and developed another relationship. You deserve to be respected, honored and loved as well as giving the same.

A good man will make you give everything you've got and empty himself into you, giving you everything he has as well.

Cheers.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This talk is usually on the phone, right?


Yea


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When are the two of you planning to move in together?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When are the two of you planning to move in together?


We had set within a year after his kids were in the picture.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> We had set within a year after his kids were in the picture.


So that about this time next year.



Janis said:


> I feel like i really need to really reconsider things. Several issues recently. At the same time, i feel like i should try to work on it


What are these things that you need to reconsider?


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So that about this time next year.
> 
> 
> 
> What are these things that you need to reconsider?


Im just confused. Im not use to having so many problems in this relationship. It is like i want to work at it and smooth things out but also wonder if i should just throw in the towel. 

My past relationships were never this serious. Its like i am new to all thes s situations


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Ok so this is a new thing.
> 
> In the past neither of you have told the other everything, or asked the other for permission to do things.
> 
> ...


I missed this post. It was 2 days. The library didnt have the book. I picked up men are from mars and difficult conversations


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Usually when communication breaks down in any relationship, it causes conflict. That is why you have issues when he does not tell you anything, and ignored you for that time he needed space, and you did not inform him when you went to the beach. It causes lack of understanding, and kills a lot of intimacy. 

For a committed couple, the time spent together is rather lacking. I remember it is about 2 to 8 hours a week. That time period is more suitable for boyfriend, and girlfriend, rather than fiance, whom plan on marrying in the future. A lot of miscommunication on both ends. How well do you really know each other? If your relationship is breaking down now, it will probably be worse when living together, as more stress is placed on the relationship.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Usually when communication breaks down in any relationship, it causes conflict. That is why you have issues when he does not tell you anything, and ignored you for that time he needed space, and you did not inform him when you went to the beach. It causes lack of understanding, and kills a lot of intimacy.
> 
> For a committed couple, the time spent together is rather lacking. I remember it is about 2 to 8 hours a week. That time period is more suitable for boyfriend, and girlfriend, rather than fiance, whom plan on marrying in the future. A lot of miscommunication on both ends. How well do you really know each other? If your relationship is breaking down now, it will probably be worse when living together, as more stress is placed on the relationship.


Whenever things started to get better recently, I just enjoyed it. I didnt have the planned talk, which was a clear mistake. Now that I see where I was wrong, I have initiated the conversation. I will talk to him about the communication and see if this is worth it for either of us


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

As a couple you should be transparent with each other. Each should know what the other is doing not because its snooping or controlling but because you should acting as part of a team. You should want to let him know what cool and exciting things you are doing. 

He is not transparent and you haven't been either. Since you are engaged it is time to start acting like a couple devoted to each other rather than as two single people that communicate occasionally but lead separate lives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Janis said:


> Im just confused. Im not use to having so many problems in this relationship. It is like i want to work at it and smooth things out but also wonder if i should just throw in the towel.
> 
> My past relationships were never this serious. Its like i am new to all thes s situations


How old are the two of you?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Janis said:


> No, we didnt have plans. He argued that he thought i was busy with family when he didnt hear from me.
> 
> *I dont tell him my every move*


"I don't tell him my every move"... I've seen others speak like this.. as to insinuate that another expects every detail of their day.. Not true... that's an over exaggeration...but a mention, a heads up.. Like "Hey honey, this is what I'm doing today.... miss you".. or "Wish you were here "....this goes a long long way...it's loving, it's considerate...

Looking over some of these replies, sounds he has left you hanging too... sounds you both need better communication to further this relationship... 

I think it's very important for a couple to include each other in what is happening in their daily lives.... a willing / giving transparency is paramount to the enjoyment & connection of a growing romantic relationship...


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?


I know the detail would probably help, but there are certain things I like to leave out in order to maintain anonymity


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> "I don't tell him my every move"... I've seen others speak like this.. as to insinuate that another expects every detail of their day.. Not true... that's an over exaggeration...but a mention, a heads up.. Like "Hey honey, this is what I'm doing today.... miss you".. or "Wish you were here "....this goes a long long way...it's loving, it's considerate...
> 
> Looking over some of these replies, sounds he has left you hanging too... sounds you both need better communication to further this relationship...
> 
> I think it's very important for a couple to include each other in what is happening in their daily lives.... a willing / giving transparency is paramount to the enjoyment & connection of a growing romantic relationship...


Yeah. I've pretty much accepted or realized that we are no where near being ready to move in together at all.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Can't help but to observe that the two of you behave as if you are in the first 90 days of a relationship rather than two years in. You don't seem very connected to one another.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Can't help but to observe that the two of you behave as if you are in the first 90 days of a relationship rather than two years in. You don't seem very connected to one another.


We used to be. I'm not sure what happened or what didn't happen in these last few months but everything has changed. 

I hate this because I am losing what was my best friend. That is what we started out as.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, did you consider including your boyfriend on this trip?

If the answer is no, you have MUCH deeper problems to worry about then just "hiding the trip".



Wolf1974 said:


> Then my best guess Would be this isn't about you taking the trip but the lack of consideration in communication. I would also be upset if my GF just suddenly went skiing and I first found out about it through Facebook.


I would also be upset if my "friend" uploaded my pictures for the WHOLE WORLD to see on some website.



Janis said:


> We used to be. I'm not sure what happened or what didn't happen in these last few months but everything has changed.
> 
> I hate this because I am losing what was my best friend. That is what we started out as.


If he was your best friend, you would've asked him to come with you.....not hid it from him.

Your actions do not match your words.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

DoF said:


> OP, did you consider including your boyfriend on this trip?
> 
> If the answer is no, you have MUCH deeper problems to worry about then just "hiding the trip".
> 
> ...


I said was my best friend. We clearly don't have that anymore.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She also wasn't in the pictures. What's the big deal anyway? It's not like she would have been in flagrante. Would he have been upset if she spent a few hours at a mall and hadn't advised him beforehand?

That kind of access comes with a wedding ring. Until then, nope. He's upset because he thought she was having a little fun and he hadn't given his permission. Boo-hoo.

The point is that their connection or 'loving feeling' has eroded or she might have felt inclined to fill him in on her whereabouts.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Janis said:


> I said was my best friend. We clearly don't have that anymore.


What have you done to get back on that path lately?

Again, your latest actions are in line with "don't want to be a best friend with him anymore".

Why didn't you invite him to go with you?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Janis,

In your situation & the changes your relationship has gone through, the most I would have done was briefly mention that I was going to the beach with some friends. You're an adult, you don't need permission from your fiance to go places.....but a heads up would be nice.

Although you didn't have any bad intentions with this situation, I can see how your fiance's feelings could've been hurt a bit. No one likes to find out things from a 3rd party. That was the way he found out you were at the beach...by a 3rd party. He probably felt like he was an after thought to you because he knew nothing of this beach trip.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> Janis,
> 
> In your situation & the changes your relationship has gone through, the most I would have done was briefly mention that I was going to the beach with some friends. You're an adult, you don't need permission from your fiance to go places.....but a heads up would be nice.
> 
> Although you didn't have any bad intentions with this situation, I can see how your fiance's feelings could've been hurt a bit. No one likes to find out things from a 3rd party. That was the way he found out you were at the beach...by a 3rd party. He probably felt like he was an after thought to you because he knew nothing of this beach trip.


At this point it's safe to say that he KNOWS he is an afterthought.

Why wouldn't he?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JustTired said:


> Janis,
> 
> In your situation & the changes your relationship has gone through, the most I would have done was briefly mention that I was going to the beach with some friends. You're an adult, you don't need permission from your fiance to go places.....but a heads up would be nice.
> 
> Although you didn't have any bad intentions with this situation, I can see how your fiance's feelings could've been hurt a bit. No one likes to find out things from a 3rd party. That was the way he found out you were at the beach...by a 3rd party. He probably felt like he was an after thought to you because he knew nothing of this beach trip.


We need to keep in mind that he does not tell her what he does. He's expecting her to do things that he does not do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> At this point it's safe to say that he KNOWS he is an afterthought.
> 
> Why wouldn't he?


This is the guy who recently told her he needed distance, would not talk to her about it, would not tell her when he'd have time for her.

Additionally he does not tell her when he does things.

They do not live together.

They spend only 2-8 hours a week together.

On this thread, she has been discussing that she has come to realize that there is something very wrong in the relationship and she is preparing to have a big talk with him.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This is the guy who recently told her he needed distance, would not talk to her about it, would not tell her when he'd have time for her.


And this is the guy that OP chooses to continue relationship with.

2 wrongs don't make a right, sorry.



EleGirl said:


> Additionally he does not tell her when he does things.
> 
> They do not live together.
> 
> ...


Sounds to me like OP should've ended it LONG LONG ago.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

DOF: I’m only human and will make mistakes too. To get back on path: I’ve been on this board for advice, I’ve been reading relationship material and I’ve visited with a relationship specialist. I also try to remain connected with him. I didn’t invited him to go because I myself had been invited. It was just females. 
EleGirl: I wonder if this is a phase that many relationships go through. I’m undecided if putting in work is worth it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

To answer the title question, YES, I tell my SO everything I do! Its the only polite, courteous thing to do when you are in a committed relationship. Now, if I run down to the corner store for milk...NO, I dont usually mention something like that. But going to lunch with a girlfriend, or going to visit my folks...stuff like that, YES. I share.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

DoF said:


> And this is the guy that OP chooses to continue relationship with.
> 
> 2 wrongs don't make a right, sorry.
> 
> ...


These issues just transpired recently. Instead of ending it, I decided to work to repair things.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Janis said:


> These issues just transpired recently. Instead of ending it, I decided to work to repair things.


I was under the impression hat it's been happening for a while, I take it back.

By all means work on it


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

DoF said:


> I was under the impression hat it's been happening for a while, I take it back.
> 
> By all means work on it


A few months. His kids have resurfaced back into his day to day life. This is after living apart from them for years. Our communications and time together decreased greatly after this change. I inquired with him about it and he contributed all of it to him spending so much time with his kids(to make up for lost time) and desperately trying to find a job. When I asked him about it, I was giving him a way out if that was what he wanted. It didn't appear as such at all. So, I've been understanding and trying to work and compromise things. things had been a little better


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