# I want kids, he doesn’t.



## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

I find myself in an extremely ****ty situation. Last time I posted I was given great advice and I’m back asking for help again. Wondering if anyone else has gonna through a similar situation who could possibly share their experience. 

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. No kids yet (that’s the problem), We both are working professionals, we both make a good living. My husband does make more, if that’s relevant. 

As of now we have one issue we can’t solve. I desperately want to start a family. The problem is my husband doesn’t want kids. He has always been undecided about having kids but made clear when we started getting serious that he was leaning towards not having any but never ruled it out. Occasionally we would talk about kids he would bring up names he would like and other aspects of parenthood, so I started assume that he had changed is mind and that we would have kids one. 

We’ve reached the place where I feel confident and comfortable enough to start trying for our first child together. So around a week before thanksgiving while we were having dinner brought up the idea of maybe trying for a baby after the New Year. After a period of silence he told me he doesn’t want any kids. I was crushed after he told me. We talked about it a few more times with nothing really changing. We both agreed the drop the subject until after the holidays. 

I know neither of us can be truly happy if we pursue this at least I don’t see how. Neither of us want to split but I know I can’t live without being a mother someday. Having a family of my own has always been something extremely important too me.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You joined TAM in 2017 so you’ve likely read other threads about the issue you face. Your husband told you what to expect going in. He may never change his mind. Yet you went along and married him anyway, despite saying having a family of your own has *always* Been extremely important to you. 

If you can’t be happy without kids, you’ve already made your decision about your marriage.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Geez, I never understand why people marry someone who doesn’t agree on this HUGE subject beforehand. For others who are dating and reading this - _*if you are sure you want kids, marry someone who also is sure they want kids.*_

OP- you are in a pickle. I have no good advice for you. I’m sorry.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is the one area where there is no compromise. If you stay married, one of you will have to concede to the other. He will either have to have children he doesn't want, or you will have to give up your dream of children. It's that black and white, there is no grey here.

If you are both adamant to hold on to your dreams, there is literally no other option besides divorce.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Did you make it clear to him before you married that having children is extremely important to you? 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think he told you even before marriage where he was on this issue. sounds Like you were never compatable but you didn’t believe him. Divorce may be the only option but out of curiosity is he anti kid or afraid you’ll stop being affectionate with him once you have a kid?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Spring_Green said:


> The problem is my husband doesn’t want kids. He has always been undecided about having kids but made clear when we started getting serious that he was leaning towards not having any but never ruled it out.
> After a period of silence he told me he doesn’t want any kids. I was crushed after he told me.
> 
> .



After you end up FORCING a kid on him the resentment between you both will kill all joy of family-hood. Forget it .... you knew his position from the start and he just told you again.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Important questions:

How old are you?

Would you have a child on your own if you were single?


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

The decision has been made for both of you by him. Now the question is what are you going to do about this?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Make sure that this is the hill you’re willing to die on. 
When you were here before you wrote and I quote
“The thought of not being with him is terrifying”
“I will do anything to keep him”
“He’s everything I want in a partner “
What, besides you wanting to be a mom has changed, has he held your past against you in any way?


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Let's cut the OP some slack, it doesn't sound like her husband ever definitivly said "no kids ever" until now. 

OP I do agree with the other comments that you can't force this issue on your husband. I'm sorry for you but you have a very difficult decision to make. Best wishes.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Cooper said:


> Let's cut the OP some slack, it doesn't sound like her husband ever definitivly said "no kids ever" until now.
> 
> OP I do agree with the other comments that you can't force this issue on your husband. I'm sorry for you but you have a very difficult decision to make. Best wishes.



You mean he talked about it a little so she would just shut up about it .....

As a man I can see how this goes ...... she won't let it go so he tries to rub a little butter on it as to not cause friction.

It is CLEAR..... he doesn't want kids.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You hoped he would change his mind. He hoped you would change yours. If he gives in to appease you, and discovers that he dislikes being a parent and resents the child, then what? Yes, there are people who don’t want children until they have them and then are happy but there are also people who don’t want them but give in and then deeply regret them once they have them. The real loser in that? The child who knows they aren’t wanted by one of their parents. And they always know. Would you really want to risk that?


----------



## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

My opinion is the No always wins in these situations. What I mean is he should never be forced to have a child he doesn't want. Not good for anyone. You absolutely have the right to have children. You need to do it with someone else though


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Even if you don't have children, there are many things you could do which would be like having kids, such as:

- get some dogs
- be a tutor
- volunteer as a child advocate in the legal system
- join "Big Brothers Big Sisters"
- be a coach

Many of these kinds of things can be enriching and you'll feel like a parent. Of course, it's not the same as having kids of your own, but it may be a way for you to feel fulfilled while still staying in this relationship.

There's a tiny chance that he'll see you working with kids and he'll change his mind. I'm hesitant to bring it up because it will be easy for you to try to force that change on him. I would caution you from going down that path. Work with kids if you like working with kids. If he happens to change his mind one day, great!, but also realize that might not happen.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am not really sure why you are asking, you must know the options. Which is more important, having children or being married to him? Does he know how important this is for you?
I could never have married a man who wasn't keen to have children, being a mum was vitally important to me. If it is to you, then you will need to end the marriage, you have already wasted 5 years.Hopefully you would eventually meet a man who wants children.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

wilson said:


> - get some dogs
> - be a tutor
> - volunteer as a child advocate in the legal system
> - join "Big Brothers Big Sisters"
> - be a coach


Nope, nope, nope, nope and nope.

OP, life really WOULD go on if you weren't married to this guy, regardless of your statements in your prior post about being 'willing to do anything to keep him' and all that nonsense about life being terrifying without him. That actually sounds more like severe codependency than it does love, OP.

You're going to live to resent this guy when you're in your late 30's/40's and it's past your ideal time to have kids. Mark my words - you're going to RESENT him horribly because HE will be the only reason you didn't have them (barring any natural disasters or health issues, of course).

He'd better be able to lay golden eggs or something, because otherwise, I see no reason to sacrifice your biological needs just to cling to him like he's your lifeline if it means sacrificing your biological desire to have children. Sorry, I don't.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I didn’t read the thread. But why isn’t this a deal breaker for you? 

No man is worth giving up having kids If that’s what you want. Trust me.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I am in my mid 30s and single. I want a family. I want kids, and I will have them with or without a man. I can say with confidence that I was 100% created to be a mother. And I mean that from the bottom of my soul. 

Not everyone is made to be a mother or wants it. But I will overstep and tell you that from a Christian, a feminist, and from a women... there is nothing better in this world than being a mom, and having a mom. 

I work in healthcare and I hear it daily... I want my mom. I hear it from the kids I take care of. I hear it from the old demented 90 year olds I take care of. When your sick, you want your mom, when your sad you want your mom, when something significant happens, you want your mom. Even if they are dead, this is a common thought... I wish my mom was here. It is the biggest blessing in the world to be a mom. And don’t let some stupid man tell you otherwise.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Spring_Green said:


> I find myself in an extremely ****ty situation. Last time I posted I was given great advice and I’m back asking for help again. Wondering if anyone else has gonna through a similar situation who could possibly share their experience.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. No kids yet (that’s the problem), We both are working professionals, we both make a good living. My husband does make more, if that’s relevant.
> 
> ...


You married a man who, and I quote, "has always been undecided about having kids but made clear when we started getting serious that he was leaning towards not having any but never ruled it out." Then, you go on to say, and again I quote, "Having a family of my own has always been something extremely important to me."

Those two statements don't make any kind of real sense together. Having kids has always been *extremely* important to you so you deliberately married a man who was leaning towards NOT having them? Huh?? Sooooo-- the million dollar question is, why did you marry a man who straight out told you who was undecided and leaning towards not?


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I think she is just about 30 now, so advice should take into consideration the time to meet someone worthy of starting a family and trying to have a child. That's not going to be an easy or for-sure thing to accomplish. If he's a pretty good guy and he's worth spending forever with, that needs to be balanced against the realistic outcomes if she were to leave and start over. This issue is certainly a big challenge, but a life-long marriage will have these kinds of challenge.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

The adage..."women marry men hoping they'll change, and men marry women hoping they won't"....has never been truer.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're going to live to resent this guy when you're in your late 30's/40's and it's past your ideal time to have kids. Mark my words - you're going to RESENT him horribly because HE will be the only reason you didn't have them (barring any natural disasters or health issues, of course).
> 
> He'd better be able to lay golden eggs or something, because otherwise, I see no reason to sacrifice your biological needs just to cling to him like he's your lifeline if it means sacrificing your biological desire to have children. Sorry, I don't.


I think you're focusing too much on the OP resenting the husband; I think the bigger issue, perhaps the larger "sin" here, is that her unhappiness is going to lead to an unhappy relationship in general, and that's not fair, at all, to her husband. OP is not the only one that suffers if she takes it on the chin and forgoes her dream of a family. 

I am assuming that I've read her posts correctly and her husband never did anything to lead her on, pre-marriage, to let her think he'd change his mind towards having kids. The conversations about names, that came up sometime after marriage, might have been a momentary lapse of reason. 

I think OP should get some individual counseling and then decide whether to go the MC route and risk blowing the marriage up. This isn't unlike the many conversations had here regarding sex, where one partner doesn't get it, and the only way things might change is to risk blowing it up. The sooner, the better.


----------



## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

Ok, my husband never definitely stated or said he didn’t want kids only that he was undecided and leaning towards not having them but wouldn’t rule it out. I will admit it’s my fault for not getting a definite yes or no. But his behavior over the pass few years lead me to believe he was more than open to the idea of having kids. He knew from the start that I wanted a family. He knows I’ve been planning to have one for a while now When I said I, “assumed” he changed his mind it wasn’t only in my head. Almost everything I’ve/we’ve done over the last couple of years was with the idea to have kids some day. He never said he wanted kids, but he has acted as someone who does. It doesn’t make any sense that he doesn’t want kids now. I don’t understand what happen to make him change his mind again or maybe he was trying to change is mind and I didn’t work. Now he maybe realized he truly wants to be child free. I don’t know all I know is something going on that’s he not telling.

I want kids, I would prefer to have them with him. I know he would make a great dad. If for whatever reason he does want to live a child free lifestyle then, Yes, we would probably have break up. It’s not what I want and right now my main goal is to find a way to have both him and kids. I know it doesn’t seem that will be the likely outcome. I would like to try at least.


----------



## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

Cynthia said:


> Did you make it clear to him before you married that having children is extremely important to you?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk





Livvie said:


> Important questions:
> 
> How old are you?
> 
> Would you have a child on your own if you were single?


Yes, I’ve made clear way before we even got engaged. 

Mid 30’s 

Yes I wants kids but also a family. I’ve always viewed the that as a wife and husband with kids. Honestly I never thought about having a kids without a partner. If for whatever reason that’s not possible then yes it would be something I would look into.


----------



## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think he told you even before marriage where he was on this issue. sounds Like you were never compatable but you didn’t believe him. Divorce may be the only option but out of curiosity is he anti kid or afraid you’ll stop being affectionate with him once you have a kid?


I will never have kids with my husband unless it’s something he wants 100%. I would never force him into that kind of situation. I love and respect him too much to do something like that to him. 

As for the second part, he definitely not anti kids. Right about the time we stared dating he was made godfather to his niece. At first he was a little clumsy around her but I think it was mostly because he was never around newborns or kids. Now you can just tell how close he is with her by the way his face lights up when she’s around. He also cares about kids in general he does a lot to support sports leagues or clubs for kids. It’s one of few things he greatly cares about.


----------



## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

But those kids arent his 24/7. You can love kids without wanting some of your own.

Sent from my SM-A530W using Tapatalk


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As others have said, this may not be solvable - having children is such a fundamental change to your lives that neither of you can possibly be happy with the wrong decision for you.

One tiny glimmer of hope: Take in a shelter care foster child. These are children needing care for a limited time - usually a few months. It gives you both a chance to experience life with kids. It may surprise one or the other of you.


My wife and I were in a similar situation many years ago. At one point she decided she really wanted children. I had always said I didn't and when we were married, she had agreed. We took in a foster child and she discovered that having a child in the house was not what she expected, she didn't like it at all. (and for me it was a awful as I had expected). When the child went home, we were both very happy we had not made an irreversible decision.


But, if after that, he still doesn't want kids, that has to be the end of it. Divorce if you wish, but please don't pressure him on something so important. I was an unwanted child (by my father) Please do not do that to a child: no matter how good an actor the parent thinks they are, the child will eventually figure it out. 





Spring_Green said:


> I find myself in an extremely ****ty situation. Last time I posted I was given great advice and I’m back asking for help again. Wondering if anyone else has gonna through a similar situation who could possibly share their experience.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. No kids yet (that’s the problem), We both are working professionals, we both make a good living. My husband does make more, if that’s relevant.
> 
> ...


----------



## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

He gets to be there for those kids when he CHOOSES. He gets to leave and do his own thing when he is done. My younger sister is absolutly amazing and attentive with both mine and my twin sisters kids. She chooses to do things with them all the time. But she will NEVER have kids of her own. She just doesnt want them.

ETA: She married the love of her life at 23. She had just graduated but wanted her masters (software programer). She thought she could have a child after she got that because he was willing to stay home in order to have one with her and give her the career she wanted. He supported her through her masters and she still didnt want too. She never will. They amicably divorced while being 100% in love with each other.

That was 3 years ago, and I still think that their decision to get divorced was them showing the love they had for each other.


Sent from my SM-A530W using Tapatalk


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Spring_Green said:


> I will never have kids with my husband unless it’s something he wants 100%. I would never force him into that kind of situation. I love and respect him too much to do something like that to him.
> 
> As for the second part, he definitely not anti kids. Right about the time we stared dating he was made godfather to his niece. At first he was a little clumsy around her but I think it was mostly because he was never around newborns or kids. Now you can just tell how close he is with her by the way his face lights up when she’s around. He also cares about kids in general he does a lot to support sports leagues or clubs for kids. It’s one of few things he greatly cares about.


Ok so why doesn’t he want kids then?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I didn't really want kids when we had them, went along with it, it ruined our marriage in the end. I don't think we were suited, as a couple, to have kids together, with all our issues. Don't try and force your husband to have kids. He will resent you forever.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I’m sorry that you find yourself in the situation that you’re in. That’s a hard place to be.

First off, don’t ever assume anything. When your husband brought up baby names, I’m not sure what his intentions were, but it was confusing to you. He let you know early on that he leaned towards not having kids, so that was your answer back then. You should have listened to him because kids are a huge decision that people generally don’t waver on once decided.

If you guys can’t come to an agreement on this, or one of you guys change their mind, I really don’t see how this will work. You want to be a Mom, if you give in to him and shelve the plan, you’ll resent him. If he changes his mind and agrees to have a baby, he will end up resenting you. Either way isn’t good, so it’s kind of a lose-lose situation you guys are in.

I know your pain, as I also want to be a Mom. I was also in a toxic marriage that I didn’t feel comfortable bringing a child into. I’m now divorced at 41, and will never have a biological child, and that sucks. However, I was also once like your husband, and didn’t want kids, ever. I was one of the oddballs who changed their minds, but it just happened too late. If you want to be a Mom, and the desire is strong, you need to get to the bottom of this with your husband. If his mindset is set, then you have some hard decisions to make.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

wilson said:


> Even if you don't have children, there are many things you could do which would be like having kids, such as:
> 
> *- get some dogs
> *- be a tutor
> ...


Don’t get a dog, or a cat, or anything else that’s living. Having pets is like having furry kids: they take a lot of effort, responsibility and expense. If your husband doesn’t want kids, choose something else on this list. I have 2 small-breed rescue dogs, and together they cost me around $3000 CAD per year (food, treats, grooming, vet, pet insurance). As for time, I need to: go home shortly after work to feed them and let them outside, get up earlier in the morning to feed them, walk them a couple times a day, etc. I love them more than anything, and this dog-Mama would do anything for them. However, they’re a really big responsibility.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I predict this will end badly.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Spring_Green said:


> I know neither of us can be truly happy if we pursue this at least I don’t see how.


You already had your answer when you typed this. 

I hope you will reflect on this circumstance when pursuing new relationships in the future. All people have their list of wants and needs. Wants are negotiable. Needs are not. A mis-match in wants can be worked out though compromise but a mis-match in needs is a fundamental lack of compatibility. Always walk away in the case of the latter.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> Ok, my husband never definitely stated or said he didn’t want kids only that he was undecided and leaning towards not having them but wouldn’t rule it out. I will admit it’s my fault for not getting a definite yes or no. But his behavior over the pass few years lead me to believe he was more than open to the idea of having kids. He knew from the start that I wanted a family. He knows I’ve been planning to have one for a while now When I said I, “assumed” he changed his mind it wasn’t only in my head. Almost everything I’ve/we’ve done over the last couple of years was with the idea to have kids some day. He never said he wanted kids, but he has acted as someone who does. It doesn’t make any sense that he doesn’t want kids now. I don’t understand what happen to make him change his mind again or maybe he was trying to change is mind and I didn’t work. Now he maybe realized he truly wants to be child free. I don’t know all I know is something going on that’s he not telling.
> 
> I want kids, I would prefer to have them with him. I know he would make a great dad. If for whatever reason he does want to live a child free lifestyle then, Yes, we would probably have break up. It’s not what I want and right now my main goal is to find a way to have both him and kids. I know it doesn’t seem that will be the likely outcome. I would like to try at least.


Not sure why you think that his decision means that there is something going on that he is not telling. I feel its more likely that he sort of went along with it for you sake, but now time has passed he realises that he doesn't and never did want children. So he hasn't changed his mind. Being good with other peoples children for short time periods is nothing like having a demanding and life changing baby 24/7. If one of you doesn't want children it will cause massive strains on the marriage and probably end it anyway. 

Surely you know that you can't have both. You either stay and don't have children which you will deeply regret and probably resent him for for ever, or you leave and hope that you will meet someone else who wants you and wants children. Not sure how old you are, but for women there is limited time. 5 years has passed, how many more will you stay and hope? He has been honest with you yet you refuse to believe it or accept it.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Spring_Green said:


> Yes, I’ve made clear way before we even got engaged.
> 
> Mid 30’s
> 
> Yes I wants kids but also a family. I’ve always viewed the that as a wife and husband with kids. Honestly I never thought about having a kids without a partner. If for whatever reason that’s not possible then yes it would be something I would look into.


It sounds to me like he was manipulating you by giving you hope knowing how much you loved him.

I understand that a lot of people here feel that he may be very resentful if you pressure him into starting a family, but I think this is something that you two need to work through in therapy.

From a personal standpoint, after my husband and I were married for about eight years, my husband wanted to start a family, but I didn't really want children. When we first got married, however, I did say I wanted children, but a lot of things changed, including my mind about children. My husband said that I should honor what I had said or he would never have married me. I agree and we went on to have three children. I never felt resentful about our children. I am very happy that he changed my mind. My family is everything to me and now we have two beautiful grandchildren. I wouldn't trade my children and grandchildren for the world.

I think you should tell your husband how upset you are about this and that you want to work through this in marriage counseling. I don't think you should pressure him, but I do think you need to work through how he (in my opinion) tricked you into thinking that he was open to having children knowing full well that you would not have continued the relationship if you had believed that you would never have children. This is a big deal and you two need to work through it together, hopefully, he will change his mind and have a good attitude about it.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Instead of worrying about this now, how about putting it all on hold until next year. There's nothing urgent about this decision. Put it out of your mind and have a great holiday season.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Ok, I have a close friend who married in her 30s. Her husband said he didn't want kids three years after they married, right when she was zooming in on having them, even getting off birth control. It was a big issue to her.

By the time she was 40, he 45, they were fighting all the time and divorced. 

He was emphatic that he did not want kids. She was devastated. Her biological clock had run out and she was not going to have a kid by herself or marry someone on the quick just to have a child.

They divorced. It was a bitter parting too.

Within 2 years he had remarried and , get this, started having children with the new wife. Last I heard he has three kids.

This nugget of information completely ruined my friend.

She is alone now, past 60. No amount of volunteering at the cat shelter fixes this for her.

It is a sad thing to want kids, have a spouse who changes their mind or at least stops lying about wanting them.

I would call this a deal killer.


----------

