# He's married



## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

I have been chatting to a guy on plenty of fish now for over a month. We had amazing conversetion, and we skyped a few times and had over one hour conversations. He told me he thinks I am really attractive and loves our connection.

A few weeks goes by and I?m starting to find it a little odd he hasn?t asked me out on a date or my number, but I figured maybe he is a slow mover. A month goes by and now I?m just starting to get tired of this all talk and no action.

He finally comes out yesterday telling me he?s married. They haven?t been in a good place for a while and he found out she was talking to a guy a lot a few months ago. He doesn?t know if she cheated, and she told him she didn?t, but she missed the spark and connection with someone.

So he told me he got on pof to just see what was out there after she did that and partly for revenge, but he didn?t expect to find someone he enjoys chatting with like he does me, and feels such a strong connection to.

He said he is filing for divorce soon but there?s lots to settle because they have lots of assets etc. I don?t know what to do. Would you just stop talking to him?

I respect him being honest with me and not trying to meet up and have some action on the side, but at the same time he?s married! I was really into getting to know this guy.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Of COURSE there's problems in his marriage, there always is. Of COURSE he's filing for divorce, just hadn't done it yet. Move on Rolla. There's lots of great guys out there without wives and sad stories. Find someone who is available and READY for a relationship. You don't wanna be his rebound anyways, right? 
I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

He is married looking to cheat, end of story. All the BS excuses as to why he is on a dating site lying pretending to be single are just that, lies and excuses.

If you have such a great connection with this liar, tell him to call you when his divorce is final. I'm betting you'll never hear from him again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> He is married looking to cheat, end of story. All the BS excuses as to why he is on a dating site lying pretending to be single are just that, lies and excuses.
> 
> If you have such a great connection with this liar, tell him to call you when his divorce is final. I'm betting you'll never hear from him again.


Yep.

And about this...



rocknrolla said:


> I have been chatting to a guy on plenty of fish now for over a month.
> 
> A few weeks goes by and I'm starting to find it a little odd he hasn?t asked me out on a date or my number...
> 
> ...


Honesty shouldn't have taken weeks.

And that's assuming that he's being honest at this point. My money's on no.

After all, it's pretty unlikely that you're the only person w/ whom he's been speaking.



kristin2349 said:


> I don't know what to do. Would you just stop talking to him?


Yep.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he's telling the truth and maybe he's lying. But whatever his situation is, he's still married and that's not something you want to be part of. Send him on his way.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hi Rock, 

The guy probably told you the truth: "he told me he got on pof to just see what was out there after she did that and partly for revenge, but he didn?t expect to find someone he enjoys chatting with like he does me, and feels such a strong connection to."

The problem is that with his marriage situation he is primed for either for an emotional affair or physical affair. Statistically, any relationship you have with this guy will not work. 

And he is telling you the truth that he has marriage problems, but most likely stretching the truth on the extent of the problems. The closer he gets to you, the more he will rewrite the history of his marriage and tell you it is worse. (Believe me, that happens!!) He probably is not even "lying" as he really is thinking that way. That is one of the reasons affairs grow. 

All of the above is just the best case. Worse case is he is lying to you about getting divorced so that he can get into your pants.

To his wife, you are the Other Woman, the internet slvt, the home wrecker. His kids will know you as "daddy's new girlfriend".

I am a guy. I won't say that I think like this guy you are chatting with but I will say I understand it too much for my own good. 

I know making friends is hard (I am same way) and now that you found one it is hard for you to give him up. But this will not work.

Look at it this way. The deal breaker is that he is married and did not tell you that at the beginning, for obvious reasons. 

I never did POF, but they named it that for reason right? Find another fish, one who is worthy of your friendship and love.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

A large quantity of online daters are married. Most use it as a flattery mechanism to flirt with member of the opposite sex and have no intention of meeting ever. They just like the attention. Another part are just looking for a hookup. Oh he will sleep with you but leave his wife...very unlikely and even if he did why would you want someone like that anyway.

This is simple to test. Just tell him that you won't be having sex with a married guy but maybe after he is done with the divorce and you will see him disappear like magic.

Best advice I can give you about online dating is always meet within a week of talking to someone. If they keep putting it of or delaying then they aren't interested or are hiding something


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

rocknrolla said:


> I respect him being honest with me and not trying to meet up and have some action on the side


Umm...he was NOT "honest". Do you really think that he's been "honest" with his wife? 

Even if his wife DID have an emotional or physical affair, he obviously has not be honest with HER about his feelings (of wanting to 'get even' with her, etc.) If 

If he was such a trustworthy individual, he wouldn't be trolling on POF, regardless of what his wife did Would YOU want to be married to someone like him? Someone who 'gets even'? 




> Would you just stop talking to him?


In a word, YES!!! 

And no explanation to this guy is necessary.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Vega said:


> Umm...he was NOT "honest". Do you really think that he's been "honest" with his wife?
> 
> Even if his wife DID have an emotional or physical affair, he obviously has not be honest with HER about his feelings (of wanting to 'get even' with her, etc.) If
> 
> ...


There are two ways to lie:
1. Intentionally saying something that is not true, or
2. Letting the message recipient have an untrue image (willfully)

So...... he obviously had his profile as being single or separated, which were both untrue. See #1

and he allowed you to think he was single by his communication. See #2

There is a difference between being separated and being separated, while still living in the same house and in the same bed.

It is obvious that he is nowhere near being available.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He handled his wife messing around by messing around with you, lying to you to do it.

Not someone I would trust.

Not a grownup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

rocknrolla said:


> He said he is filing for divorce soon but there?s lots to settle because they have lots of assets etc. I don?t know what to do. Would you just stop talking to him?


A cheater saying he is, "getting divorced soon" is like a prison convict who says, "he's innocent." 




rocknrolla said:


> I respect him being honest with me and not trying to meet up and have some action on the side, but at the same time he's married! I was really into getting to know this guy.


He told you the truth so you wouldn't think it was strange that he was taking you to a motel 6 instead of his apartment.

You sound like you have super low self esteem if you're confused as to whether you should continue to talk to this creep. 

Right now he's in the middle of an EA and you are his AP. Like @kristin2349 said, tell him to call you when the divorce is final. 

Don't be a home wrecker. You haven't even been on one date with him. You have nothing vested at all. Go talk to some other guys.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

they don't call it 'plenty of fish' for nothing.

in other words, there are PLENTY of fish, so find another fish. a fish that's just as intriguing but not married.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

First, you must understand that you weren't "getting to know" him. You were "getting to know" whatever image of himself he wanted to project. The only way to actually get to know someone is to have in person interaction and to become part of their lives.

Second, you don't know anything about his marriage. For all you know, he and his wife are very much in love and he talks to women online when she's working and he's bored. Maybe he sits on his butt and talks to you while she's running herself ragged caring for the house and kid(s). It's also possible he's being honest. No way to know for sure. But none of that matters. He's married. Unless/until he tells his wife he wants a divorce, separates from her, and files, he is legally and socially bound to another woman and off limits to you. Even as a "friend".

Tell him you've enjoyed talking to him and that you hope he will contact you when he has ended his marriage. Then stop responding to anything other than a message letting you know he's officially ended his marriage.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Nothing but grief down this road. Give him an email address to write after the divorce and stop communicating with him till then.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> find another fish. a fish that's just as intriguing but not married.


:fish::fish::fish::fish::fish:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

rocknrolla said:


> I have been chatting to a guy on plenty of fish now for over a month. We had amazing conversetion, and we skyped a few times and had over one hour conversations. He told me he thinks I am really attractive and loves our connection.
> 
> A few weeks goes by and I?m starting to find it a little odd he hasn?t asked me out on a date or my number, but I figured maybe he is a slow mover. A month goes by and now I?m just starting to get tired of this all talk and no action.
> 
> ...


He misrepresented himself.
He got on POF for revenge, not to bring something good to a new relationship.
He led you on knowing he wasn't available.
Basically, he used you and your thoughts and your feelings, including any sexual feelings you might have been developing towards him, in order to fulfil his own personal agenda.
The answer here is that you tell him to never contact you again, you block him, and you forget about him. Next time don't spend so much time talking to someone before you meet them. Ask them point blank what their marital status is and whether they are truly free to have a relationship. If they say yes, ask to meet in person and refuse to continue texting, emailing or talking on the phone. Lesson learned. 

You respect his honesty?????
He is not honest, but he sounds very good at justifying his lies and blaming it on how much he NOW like you. Let us go back to the beginning of this post, and re-read about his agenda and lie. Coming clean is different from being honest. He is coming clean because it NOW suits his agenda to do so.

Do you not in the least feel like the angry victim that you should feel like? 

The thing that your heart and brain got attached to does not in actuality exist, but your brain can do all kinds of gyrations to hold onto it. It is much easier to realize that you been had. And find someone whose words and actions represent reality. Failure to do is the sure path to insanity. Sooner or later the truth will need to be reconciled and there is a huge interest payment on that.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Sorry to derail this thread, I think OP has gotten the answers that she is looking for.

I would like to suggest, no speculate, that this man is manipulating the OP. I say this because, for obvious reasons, had he disclosed his marital status off the bat, OP probably wouldn't have given him a second thought and moved on.

Instead, he has built an emotional connection, albeit under false pretenses, and then at a more favorable time (selfishly) he rationalized doing something so grievous that had the OP known any sooner, she would have ignored him completely.

But now, she is betwixt....

OP, look at the foundation that this connection was built on, he is a deceptive manipulator who has no respect for his vows, and is cheating on his wife out of spite (without proof of her affair).

YOU WILL GET ROYALLY FVCKED OVER BY THIS DOUCHE!!!

He cares far less about you than his own wife, and that isn't saying much for his wife considering...

Your connection with this guy isn't real, he manipulated you, of course he seems like an amazing guy, he is roleplaying Mr. Amazing, but in reality, he is a scumbag.

Just some attached scumbag competing in a world of single scumbags.

"Giggity Giggity!"


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please read this link. Although it deal with how a work place emotional affair begins it is easily translated to a on line situation. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html. It is written by F-102 and is half way down. 

There is also a new poster here @*Deidre* A person I think is your age and engaged. She is posting here as a from of pre-marriage MC who you might find informative. 

Please remember that up to this point your hands are clean.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

OP, go no contact ASAP. Don't even tell him you are. He wants to cheat on his wife with you. Or anyone else. If you think you are the only one he's chatting up, that too is probably a lie. I would just go no contact, and move forward. Dating a married man will never turn out well.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Before you rush to judgment you should figure out exactly what assets he has >


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

As they say in poker, "If you don't know who the fish is, it's you.".


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Before you rush to judgment you should figure out exactly what assets he has >


Any pics of the guy? He might have a good asset. But if you dated him he probably will just turn out to be a pain in the assets.


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

Next time ask a guy his marital status right off the bat so they are not wasting your time. There are lots of married men on OLD and they are not just looking for attention. Most of them are looking for sex and have no intention of getting divorced and are very happy in their marriages. Typically you can spot them because they have a blurry or faceless profile pic. Or if they are more upfront about their status their profile will say that they will send pics upon request.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wellseasoned (Jan 8, 2016)

At least he's being honest he likes to cheat on his wife. If he cheats on his wife, he will cheat with you. 
Plenty of Fish means there are plenty of fish! Keep Fishing!:smile2:


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

He should have told you up front that he was married. Isn't there a field you fill in to show whether you are married or in a "complicated" situation? Maybe start asking up front what the guy's situation is before you go further.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Being honest? :wtf:

He hasn't been honest with you!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No no no. Stop talking to him. Just block him.

All you know about him is that he's a LIAR. I don't care what his wife did (or likely didn't) do, two wrongs don't make a right. There is NO EXCUSE for a married man or woman to be on a dating site.

End of story.


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