# What's the next step?



## Iwbsf4e (Mar 7, 2009)

I'm 24, and I'm in graduate school. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years, and we dated for 6 years before then. We got together when I was 16 and he was 20. I think that my situation is a classic "got married too young" scenario. I'm a different person now than I was when I was 16.

Lately, our differences have become very clear to me. We have nothing in common.

On top of it, I feel that his behavior has been beyond selfish. I currently commute one hour Monday through Thursday to my university, where I take classes as well as teach. I also work a second job on the weekends. He works one full-time job and plays in two pool leagues and two softball teams. He has no interest in learning about my interests, but his feelings are hurt that I don't enjoy watching him play video games, watching football, or doing any other of his hobbies. 

Last year, we went through a rough patch. On my birthday, my friends and I all had too much to drink. One of my friends (who had some serious issues) came home with us, passed out, and the next day claimed that my husband had forced his penis into her mouth and then left when she woke up. He swears he doesn't remember a thing after getting home because we were all in the bathroom throwing up the whole night (I know how pathetic this sounds, but I'm trying to get the truth out there). Although I'm angry with my husband right now, I have to admit that I find it highly unlikely that it actually happened (there are tons of details that I haven't mentioned). 

Lately, he's been drinking a lot. In the past, when he drank he acted like any normal person. More recently, when he drinks his fuse is extremely short. He has violent tendencies, although they're never directed at me. This makes me wonder more and more if something did happen.

His friends have always seemed more important to him than I am, and he spends a lot more time with them than with me. I'm worried that we've come to a turning point. I don't want to have children with this man. I honestly don't think that we would provide a good environment for them; we can't ever agree on anything!

All in all, it's not an abusive relationship. It's an unhappy one. I haven't talked to him about this yet, because I don't want him to fly off the handle and assume I'm leaving him today. How do I talk to him about how I'm feeling, and how do I suggest trial separation in a way that won't set him off? He has some serious self-esteem problems, and I'm worried about how he'll handle it.

Sorry this was so long, but as you all know, relationships are complicated.


----------



## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

Well for starters, you need to calmly tell him you have some serious issues you need to sit down and discuss (not argue about) and then let him know how you feel (especially using "I" statements, so not to be finger pointing which will set him off).

Kind of sounds like he is wrapped up into some issues inside himself and oblivious to how his behavior is making you feel. If you can let him know how hurt you are feeling and that is has brought to the point of feeling like your relationship is over, it should make him sit up and take notice, especially if that is not what he would like to see happen.

You comment about not wanting to have children with him is also massive. Do you want to have children? If you do want children, and you are sure you never want to have them with him, I do not see how it will work, unless you would want to have children with him if he straightened up and stayed straight.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

he might have self esteem problems - but hes not considering you in any of his actions - i.e drink and his personal issues.
as for the penis thing - hes bound to deny it, its a serious accusation. but i think he did it.
the other girl might have issues - but she isnt stupid.
my first H - we dated from 16 and married at 21. like you say , married to young scenario.
i dont think we know ourselves at that age, especially when entering a marriage.
after marriage - he changed dramatically and to be honest he was just a lost cause. there was no turning point and you can try all you like to try and save the marriage, but it doesnt work.
i think you might find the same thing.
what you have now, is the life you wil have for the rest of your life.
were not on this earth for long!


----------

