# My father in law is ruining my marriage!



## Wearing Thin

Let me give you a little background about my husband. His parents were divorced when he was 12, due to his dad's infidelity. He married his girlfriend 3 days after their divorce was final. His dad was an over the road truck driver and was gone most of the time, so he didn't see his dad very often. He told me many times that his dad thought only of himself and he and his brother and sister were sort of left out in the cold, so to speak. He passed many bad habits to his kids, such as having them light his cigarettes for him, and letting them smoke part of them when they were small children. 

My husband eventually moved about 3 hours away to be with his mom as she found out she had cancer. We met and have been married almost 10 years. His dad made no effort whatsoever to have contact with his kids. He just couldn't be bothered. My husband would spend his birthday every year depressed because his dad would'nt even call him. But for some reason, he has always idolized his dad, I assume since he never had what he needed from him. 

His dad's wife passed away about 5 years ago and since then his dad has been very active in his life. I was thrilled that he was getting to be with his dad again. But the thrill is gone. He has moved here just a few minutes from us, and has sort of taken over my husband. He really has few friends and the ones he did have live 3 hours away. He is a terrible influence on my husband. For example, my husband had some heart issues a couple of years ago and his doctor told how imperative it was for him to quit smoking. So after a rough few months , he did. But when he's around his dad, he pushes him to smoke and basically tells me to mind my own business. He's insulting and rude to me and I know he would prefer it if we were'nt together, so he could have a buddy full time. He calls at least 3 times a day and my husband is at his house almost constantly. He has now imformed me that he is going on a cruise with us that we planned for our 10 year anniversary.

I'm at my wits end. I know if I tell my husband to back off some from his father, that his dad will explode, but if things continue as they are, we won't be together much longer. He has changed so much and has become alot like his dad. I love my husband dearly, but I can't live like this. Any words of wisdom?


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## Sensitive

Although it is sort of nice for your hubby to reconnect with his father, it is way too much to invite him to your anniversary cruise. I firmly believe that it is important to repect your parents, and especially in the later years, they may die unexpectedly. Perhaps, your FIL is still in a grieving stage and will not be as needy later. As much as I know how annoying in-laws can be, it would be cold-hearted to demand your hubby to stop seeing his father. Maybe there is a compromise somewhere. Perhaps tell hubby that you miss him and wish you had more couple time, and leave FIL out of the argument.


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## Wearing Thin

No matter how horrible he is to me, I would never ask that he not see him. I would like him to have less of a relationship with him, so there is time for me.

Unfortunately his dad tries to make him feel guilty if he's not with him during his free time. And I don't think my husband invited him on our trip, I think he invited himself.


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## Sprite

You have to be the one to end his inviting himself on the trip! That is totally unacceptable, and you have to stand up to him and your husband and let them know that it wil NOT be happening!!!!

It is nice that you husband is back in touch with his father, but maybe you need to sit him down and remind him that he "owes" his father nothing. Remind him of how his father treated him through out his life...and ask him WHY does he have time for you now when he never did before???? You can be rest assured that as soon as DAD finds someone new to hang around.....he would be gone in a heartbeat. It sounds to me like he is using his son because "he is good enough for now". Know what I mean?

You have to have a good heart to heart with your husband and tell him EXACTLY how you feel. Your husband may not see it as detrimental to your marriage as you do. Open his eyes for him!


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## joshtried

eventually it is going to come to its him or the marriage. perhaps your husband needs to understand that this is how things are progressing. a marriage should come before all.. unfortunately a lot of times it doesnt. its nice to have a father, but it seems like he was better off without this one. i also hate to put it like this... but i have found this to be true in my family relationships... everyone needs to be told off nice and hard at least once. it sucks, and its hard to do, but until you do, most inlaws dont realize what they are doing is "that" wrong.. sometimes there is also the worry of "do they care enough for my baby", but again, a good telling off usually fixes that... at least for me.


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