# She wants a break



## DWithrr (May 26, 2015)

I will start with a little back story I?m 25 she is 23. 6/25 would be out 8th year since we been together. We spent some time apart about 4 years ago then we got back together and had our 1st daughter. Since then we have had our 2nd daughter and we recently talked about having a 3rd . We are also not yet marred but were in the planning process



Yesterday morning we dropped the kids off I dropped her off to work and I went into work myself. Everything was fine she said she loved me and was gonna miss me so I didn?t expect anything . A few hours later I get a text saying we are going on a break. I was shocked we havnt had any issue we have argued in a long while. The only issue we have over all is money issues. Which is mothing im currently working on.

I pick her up from work and once we get home I try to talk to her. She basically explains it like she feels like she does nothing for herself and she has no more to give me. I do my best to ask her questions to understand what she means but to me she seemed confused and I couldn?t get a straight answer. She then takes our girls and says she is gonna stay at her mothers house for the night. And that?s she was coming back home tonight. Then we will figure out whats gonna happen from there. i.e. which one of us will move or if we will stay in the guest room. I asked her was there someone else and she says no . Seeing we were actively trying to have a 3rd baby I'm inclined to believe her 

The most confusing part is she says she want to be with me and wants our family but then still leaves. Maybe im missing something I don?t understand what?s going on or what to do


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

The unwillingness to talk is a big red flag that something else has the attention of her emotions that she wants to explore while you are on the back burner. I hate to be the one to tell you this but it is 98% likely she is at least in an emotional affair with someone.

The stronger you are now, the more likely you are to save your marriage.

Get your sh!t together. Whatever you have been slacking on, fix it. But don't make a big deal about it. Don't plead with her, or pursue her in this. Do not appear weak and emotional over this. Tell her how you feel, that you will there for her through this, but not forever. 

*Do not mention that you are suspicious of an affair.* This will only make it harder to uncover the affair. You need to delicately start looking into who your wife has been communicating with and seeing. Start with mobile phone records in your phone bill for lots of texts and phone calls. Is she late at work, or spends time out without a good explanation? Carefully and patiently unpeal the union. If she is in an affair she is drunk on it and acting irrationally and it will come out.

Brace yourself there is lots more monitoring advice incoming to you.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Read this post:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

Do not know enough from your post to offer advice. However, I can warn you about what some do in an attempt to save a marriage; have another kid. I do not think it is a good idea to have another kid under present circumstances. Kids add more stress and areas of conflict so you may want to hold off on that.


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## DWithrr (May 26, 2015)

Lens51

What else would you feel you would need to know to give advice ?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

DWithrr, rule out any third parties, very likely there is someone else in the picture she doesn't want you to know about. If there is, before you decide if you want to be in a relationship with a cheater, bust up the affair and get her out of the fog/limerance she is in due to new relationship chemicals with the OM. If there is no OM and she is just not interested anymore, why would you want to be with someone who is not 'all in' and would rather not choose to work at fulfilling her needs within the boundaries of the relationship?

I'd tell her to pack the bags, advise you *get a lawyer* right now to draft a separation agreement (yes even if you are not married file for a separation agreement), and file for sole custody since she is the one that wants to leave. Absolutely do not move out of your home. Also move half of any funds in any joint accounts you may hold into your own bank account and start separating your finances.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Lon said:


> DWithrr, rule out any third parties, very likely there is someone else in the picture she doesn't want you to know about. If there is, before you decide if you want to be in a relationship with a cheater, bust up the affair and get her out of the fog/limerance she is in due to new relationship chemicals with the OM. If there is no OM and she is just not interested anymore, why would you want to be with someone who is not 'all in' and would rather not choose to work at fulfilling her needs within the boundaries of the relationship?
> 
> I'd tell her to pack the bags, advise you *get a lawyer* right now to draft a separation agreement (yes even if you are not married file for a separation agreement), and file for sole custody since she is the one that wants to leave. Absolutely do not move out of your home. Also move half of any funds in any joint accounts you may hold into your own bank account and start separating your finances.


Yep, to this ^


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

DWithrr said:


> I will start with a little back story I?m 25 she is 23. 6/25 would be out 8th year since we been together. We spent some time apart about 4 years ago then we got back together and had our 1st daughter. Since then we have had our 2nd daughter and we recently talked about having a 3rd . We are also not yet marred but were in the planning process
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There is more there. High probability that she has told you what is up -and more than once. You need to think back for the last year or so....Is there anything she has wanted you to address that has been back-burnered? Anything?

Also...are you in the US?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She views you as safe and dependable and totally usable.

She wants to go out and get some more penis and have you as a safety net.

You need to change the dynamic of relationship to say the least.

She needs a wake up call. She needs to know that working on your relationship is the only possible way to keep you in it. If she leaves, you won't be there to pick up what the other man left over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DWithrr (May 26, 2015)

I went to go pick up the kids. We spoke and I asked her of it was about money (like I suspected ) She says yes along with she thinks i can help out more around the gouse. Atleast once a month we have a very small amount of money for a.week in between pay days. I see the stress on her face.I've felt so bad knowing I should be doing more. She is paid more that me and unfortunatly my hours at work have been cut . I've been studying for a a+ cert in hopes of landing an IT job so i know of the issue and am working towards fixing it 

Before I leave she says she loves me and misses and kisses me 

I did speak to a family friend who is a divorce lawyer . He says give it a few days to see of things cool off before i file actual paper work


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I didn't think you were married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DWithrr (May 26, 2015)

We arent married i spoke to him since i figured he would know a good deal about custody cases


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Who's the dude?

A co-worker?


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## DWithrr (May 26, 2015)

I don't know if there is another guy at this point . I asked her she said no and she wouldn't ever disrespect me by cheating . I'm hoping that is the truth .


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

DWithrr said:


> I don't know if there is another guy at this point . I asked her she said no and she wouldn't ever disrespect me by cheating . I'm hoping that is the truth .


Something was missing from the original post. If you had mentioned the money issues and that you where not working full time, and she was paying more than her share, some of us might have given different advice. 

When you are really close to this stuff it is hard to see it but this stuff is not all that complicated. The 'big rocks' of life are usually obvious. 

If you are not pulling your weight, let alone being a provider for your family it is not hard to see how that eats away the marriage. If she is working fulltime, paying for everything and perhaps doing most of the kid stuff you do have a real problem. We don't really have enough info to know for sure.

What I think we all would agree to is that you, as a father, need to get more ambitious and apply yourself more aggressively to better the future of your wife and kids. It is hard to see it at the start but hard work and patience pays off. The A+ is good, but you might have to settle for an undesirable 2nd job or a FT job you don't care for until you expand your skills. Another option is to pick up more of the work around the house. Chances are, your wife is not very good at communicating either so therapy is a must.

All this still does not rule out the possibility that there is another man out there. But there are essentially two narratives now to work from. One, she is tired of you acting a teen ager, or two she is in an EA and or PA with some guy which has made take more critical stock of your contribution to the relationship. Both can be true. Heck she may be perfectly innocent but some guy hit on her or tried to engage an affair with her, which pushed to ask if you are what she really wants.

Either way your way forward is the same: Get your sh!t together.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DW,
You describe a situation of chronic financial stress and in the same post mention trying for a third baby. 

Why would you add the burden of a third child to an already stressed family? She's very young - has lots of child bearing years ahead of her. So what's the hurry? 

As for getting certified for a better job - yes that's what you should be doing - as fast as humanly possible. That ought to be the priority. 





DWithrr said:


> I don't know if there is another guy at this point . I asked her she said no and she wouldn't ever disrespect me by cheating . I'm hoping that is the truth .


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## DWithrr (May 26, 2015)

I honestly just wished we could have spoke about this before this had to happen. 

I agree now isn't the time for a baby. Its something we both wanted but I guess we just got caught up in the emotions 

I've made getting a better job my proity . it's been that but I've been putting in a lot of applications hopefully I get a call soon


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## DWithrr (May 26, 2015)

I just want to give you guys and gals an update

We sat and talk she say the money issue frustrated her and she knows im trying so she cant hold it against me. She also told me about needed more help around the house and with the kids. We now have a cleaning list pretty much splitting the day to day task. I also have 2 interviews this week. After months of putting in apps and nothing this happened and i get 2 calls in 1 week. 

I think we will be ok i guess i just got comfortable and took her for granted a bit


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DWithrr said:


> I just want to give you guys and gals an update
> 
> We sat and talk she say the money issue frustrated her and she knows im trying so she cant hold it against me. She also told me about needed more help around the house and with the kids. We now have a cleaning list pretty much splitting the day to day task. I also have 2 interviews this week. After months of putting in apps and nothing this happened and i get 2 calls in 1 week.
> 
> I think we will be ok i guess i just got comfortable and took her for granted a bit


Fair enough. That said, probably 90-95% of cheating spouses say exactly this when initially asked about whether or not there's someone else in the picture...



DWithrr said:


> I don't know if there is another guy at this point . I asked her *she said no and she wouldn't ever disrespect me by cheating .* I'm hoping that is the truth .


If you've got things that you need to work on then by all means do that. *But keep your eyes open and your ear to the ground.*


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