# Can't get over past deceptions- when do you give up?



## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

Hello;

Married long time. Had 20 good years, seven years of bad.

We both have done things to hurt, but I can't get over some actions my husband has done. A big problem is that he lies about his actions, and I doubt I have the full story even today.

Both to blalme for our own actions, I believe the marital discontent started with an emotional affair/attachment he had at work.

He then decided that I must change (if I liked it or not). 
He said I called him names (like once a month), did not appreciate him and did not include him on plans.

so for these sins he took a sledgehammer to the marriage.

He was doing things like secret porn, secret trolling on dating sites, saying things to anger me, then send my angry personal emails to him to his family members to read. 

It seemed really important that he prove that I was "bad" for some reason.

He has also done things like secretly voice record me (to "prove" that he is right) and other weird things. He used to have angry outbursts, but ALWAYS had excuses for his behaviors. 

Over the years I have been accused of being an emotional abuser, verbal abuser, physical abuser, alcoholic, pill addicted (take meds for anxiety) and co dependant. You name it, he has gone through a faze that I had it/done it/was it.

We got into one physical altercation (over his inappropriate relationship with a co worker) he called the cops, I protected his arse, I got arrested.
This was a 7 years ago. This could have cost my job. Even tho first (and only) offence, I was put through the court wringer......

We have had a terrible time trusting, and about two years ago, he filed for a divorce (on webiste advice, to teach me a lesson, and see if I was serious about the marriage.) without even telling me what he was planning on doing (advice from his brothers)

It is all a bunch of stupid, senseless fights. To me it seems like he had a mid life crisis/awakening, and decided that I WAS the problem (really, I was very alpha, did run the family with little support from him, -due to his job-- and I did an excellent job of running the home, working full time and getting advanced degrees)...

He now, says he is sorry and wants to start over. 


All I can think about are his past lies, deceptions. (My husband has only admitted to things I have proof of, he has never admitted anything else). He does not seem very earnest to me, but out MC beleives that he is sorry.

I have done all the "forgive and forget" books. I have gone to counceling, I STILL have depression and anxiety about the ending of my good marriage. 

BUT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT ME.....

I went from being a great sleeper to seven years of broken sleep.
I still have nightmares, I still can't trust. He wants me to get over his past actions.... I don't think I can...

I feel really alone, and do not feel romantic love for him anymore, but I do definately feel like I love him. I am a totally different person now, quiet and sad, and I just don't get enjoyment out of life like I used to...

At what point do I decide I can't live like this anymore and move on? After so many years with such little positive growth, is there any chance of being happy again?

I would like to love him again, but maybe I am just not made for deciet......


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

Our MC is rather a joke. She give no advice except "decide what you are going to do".
He seems to think making rules will lead to better relationship.

I feel all my concerns are ignored


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

DocHoliday said:


> Our MC is rather a joke. She give no advice except "decide what you are going to do".
> He seems to think making rules will lead to better relationship.
> 
> I feel all my concerns are ignored


You may need to seek out a new counselor. Good counselors are not going to make you feel ignored and they will offer things to try.


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