# At my wits end and saw the first description here.



## Edmonton desperate (Aug 26, 2015)

I am not sure if I am the only person feeling this way, but here it goes. I have been with my wife for 7 years and have a 4yo daughter. The only bright light in my depressing existence. 
I try to be the ideal husband and would consider myself to do more then my fair share. I cook, do more then half of the cleaning, more often the entire house myself. I am constantly picking up and cleaning behind my wife and daughter. I work long hours and try do everything to make the home and our life picture perfect. 

My wife it seems enjoys this life with me, says she loves me and generally is not mean or hostile, as long as I don't rock the boat. I am not happy, I haven't been for some time. I have continually teetered on leaving or not being around anymore. The only thing that keeps me living and staying is my daughter. 

As for my wife, she barely shows me affection, the only affection from her is at best our routine kisses everyday, maybe snuggling a bit in bed, holding hands. We say the "I love you" but it's all very routine. Any type of sexual contact is 99% of the time initiated by me, she can seem to perpetually go forever without intimacy. 

I always remember occasions, and always wow her on birthdays and Christmases. Knowing exactly what she wants. Yet almost every reciprocal celebration on my life I feel like she barely thinks about what I would like or outright says she doesn't know. she doesn't seem bothered to talk to me during the day, yet has no problem being on social media to everyone else. She will pretty much ignore my calls, or blow me off. 

Yes I have tried to discuss with her but... She is a psychology major and each and every time I feel like I am wrong with any and all my concerns. I always compromise (give in) since she wears me down and reasons everything in her favor. A few months ago we had a blow out, i was pretty adamant about not caving in to her "subtle manipulation" to her point of view and we had a big blow out. 

I did snap and as I was going to walk away I tossed a glass I had in my hand across the yard (didn't think it would break but it did) well she snapped, slapped me in the face and took a swing, I was stunned. Had not much to say except I couldn't believe it... She wouldn't leave me alone and followed me in the house where I did scream at her that I couldn't believe she hit me, after some more yelling she did it again. 

I come from an abusive parental situation so have zero tolerance for this and got in my car and left. While I was gone the ultimate games started, she phoned my familly, got my SIL over here and played the victim, my brothers blamed me, saying its fine for a woman to hit her husband. My mother just keeps telling me how great my wife is. 

Don't get me wrong I am no saint, my behavior over the years has been erratic. I feel so alone and unwanted I visit porn sites and self pleasure for my only regular sexual gratification. I have been on dating sites, Craigslist, whatever comes up for sexual fantasy hook ups. (Usually looking up far more interesting locales them where I live...like Vegas lol) and fantasizing and hoping that someone, anyone finds me attractive. I have probably been exposed in the ****** ******* hack (although fake email account) never the less all things that I have rationalized and justified as a way to satisfy the missing pieces in my life. I guess I am consisted someone that "no shows" since I will take the chatting to the point of meeting and then I can't/won't. I am sure anyone that actually looks for meetings thinks I am scum 

I have dark thoughts, that I am the problem, the world is better off without me, my familly would be better off, maybe my wife would find someone to make her happy.... I have come very close to ending it all and only been pulled back by the thoughts of my daughter. 

I have phoned crisis lines, read books, seem a councillor. Apparently my behavior is typical (which helps me feel normal) the porn, looking for emotional affairs, thoughts of ending ones life. 

I don't know why I wrote this. Especially here. I don't know, I have written so many things to myself (at the direction of shrinks) I guess I am wondering if anyone else is in the same situation, going through the same? Do you stay? How do you cope? Any insights?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

If your wife was writing here...how do you believe she would describe your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Edmonton desperate (Aug 26, 2015)

That's a good question, of course there is always two sides to every story. What she would say and how she really feels would probably be two different things. To others typically she would always say I was, and did all the things I say I do, she would likely say I work too much, but it's not an option given the "wants" in life. 

That being said i think an honest answer from her would be indifferent. Probably a "he's ok" "or good husband" 

don't get me wrong, as mother she is great, (she would probably say the same about me) but I don't think she has room or high regard for me. Sitting, here thinking about this all really brings me to fighting tears. Hard to think of myself with these feelings of inferiority.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

a] Sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you.
b] You seem like a textbook case of a man that needs to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and apply the lessons taught in it.

The Book



> As I was making these discoveries about myself, I noticed that married men I worked with in my practice as a marriage therapist were making the same kind of statements about their partners that I had been making about mine:
> 
> “How come I always seem to give so much more than I get?”
> “All I want is to be appreciated. Is that asking too much?”
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ditto on the recommendation to read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

My wife is a psychologist, and I am convinced that they are pretty much all screwed up people. People select careers for a reason. One does not accidentally fall into being a psychologist!

Nice Guys, the pathological kind like in the book NMMNG, tend to pair up with some pretty dysfunctional women. It is not at all common for a woman to hit a man the way your wife did. She has real problems. I suspect she had an abusive childhood.

Without good therapy she isn't going to change. You can set strong boundaries and enforce strict consequences. That may help. But she's going to have to hit rock bottom the way an alcoholic does before really knowing deep inside herself she needs to change. You are the one to make that rock bottom happen by doing whatever is necessary. She is a physically and emotionally abusive person. You need to play hardball with her and be ready to leave the marriage if she doesn't make serious changes soon.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like you are both responsible for the state of your marriage. Maybe she isn't affectionate because you seen to have checked out. You are spending too much time working and on the computer on Craig's list and dating sites. Focus that attention on her. It sounds like she doesn't respect or admire you which is why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe she knows what you are doing on the computer. You can't change her but work on yourself. You sound like you have low self esteem.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Here's the link to the book, free in PSF format. Please read it. Like, yesterday.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Most women don't want to shag guys they don't like, admire and respect. It sounds like your wife doesn't like, admire or respect you. Do you like and respect her? It, frankly, really doesn't sound like it. 

It also sounds to me like both of you could really benefit from some intensive counseling. If you're having suicidal ideation, you have issues that are well beyond the scope of an anonymous online forum. Your wife also clearly has some issues. Neither of you are emotionally healthy, so of course your marital dynamic is also unhealthy.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Growing up in this sort of home is extremely unhealthy for your daughter. Leave, file first, get partial custody. Your daughter will be way better off to see her abused parent standing up for themselves.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Sorry to hear your struggles but if for no other reason than your daughters health you need to stay strong and focused. Read 'Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters'. Huge impact as I am in a somewhat similar scenario to you with a 4yr old daughter at home. In the end be ready to walk, pull the 180 and show both your wife and your daughter that there is an expectation of reciprocity in marriage....and you won't settle....


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Yikes, you don't hear of the woman being the domestic violence aggressor very often. I think if my wife hit me, I'd hit her back though. Fortunately, she's not that type at all.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Well I would say a real disaster. I guess she is an intellectual and you arent. May one ask why she married you. You cant win an argument with her even if you shout louder. I dont think counselling will help. Does she know that you go on all these sites and all the other things you mention. I suppose she does. Remember your daughter is only four. She will get older one day. Your whole family is against you not just hers. Sorry sir. You cant win. LEAVE.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Edmonton,
Look I want to say this in the most helpful way possible but it is probably going to come off harsh but this is not my intention. After reading your post it is my opinion that your individual issues dwarf whatever marital problems you may have. To recap your post, you are having suicidal thoughts. And it sounds like often. Another tell is after you and your wife had your latest row all your family ended up taking her side. Now one possibility is that your entire family has turned against one of their own blood. The other possibility, and the one I think most likely, is that your view of the marriage and perhaps life in general does not match the objective reality. In other words the wiring in your thought process is skewed and you are coming up with results that don't match the problem. Finally, your trolling Craigslist and those other sites really speak to someone who is starting to engage in behavior that you know (or you should know) could end your marriage. Almost like you want to get caught.
You don't have to accept my advice. But I think you need to see a doc ASAP and at a minimum start getting treated for these suicidal ideas. I really believe there is a substantial possibility you are going to hurt yourself. Or someone else.
And then where would you daughter be?
Think about it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think you married my ex wife!

Seriously, you need some individual counselling. Don't let this situation own you. 

In fact, that's kind of the whole problem. You are letting this situation own you. It's your marriage too, after all.

If you're giving more than you're getting, well... stop doing that. Tell her you're not happy and why and what you expect from a marriage. But here's the key -- don't say it in a begging and pleading way, say it in a matter of fact way.

And then turn on your heel and go and do something awesome. For you. And keep doing said awesome things more and more... until your life is awesome. With her, or without her.

If she wants on the awesome ride, tell her the price of admission. If not, she'll clue in that someone else will.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Edmonton desperate said:


> I am not sure if I am the only person feeling this way, but here it goes. I have been with my wife for 7 years and have a 4yo daughter. The only bright light in my depressing existence.
> I try to be the ideal husband and would consider myself to do more then my fair share. I cook, do more then half of the cleaning, more often the entire house myself. I am constantly picking up and cleaning behind my wife and daughter. I work long hours and try do everything to make the home and our life picture perfect.
> 
> My wife it seems enjoys this life with me, says she loves me and generally is not mean or hostile, as long as I don't rock the boat. I am not happy, I haven't been for some time. I have continually teetered on leaving or not being around anymore. The only thing that keeps me living and staying is my daughter.
> ...


The bolded above is domestic violence. You need to call the police and get her abuse on record. Insist she attend individual counseling to deal with her anger. If she refuses you need to divorce her. Unless she addresses the problem it will not get better and it fact will only get worse.


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