# Almost cheating or cheating?



## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Scenario : A spouse meets up with a former flame or a coworker for sex. They get to the hotel room or wherever for sex, they have a few drinks,share a kiss maybe, But then abruptly the spouse breaks it off and says that they cannot cheat on their significant other and leaves. Goes no contact,ect for good. Would this be considered cheating, a deal breaker, would you even want to know? I have a friend in this situation right now. Thoughts? (No penetration, no oral, no petting)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

If it was something you would not do in front of your spouse, if it something that you would not want them to read then it is cheating. 

I also have doubts about what your friend has shared with you. I am sure it was more then what was disclosed. It always is!

The person should tell their spouse and work on why it went that far in the first place.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Each of us have different point of view about what we consider cheating. 
To me IT IS cheating. Kissing someone else or even booking a hotel room [whether there is physical contact or not] is NOT appropriate for a married person. It goes beyond what I consider boundaries.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

...cheating...


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Yes I agree it is cheating, but would it count in their favor that they stopped before anything more serious happened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't think it matters that they stopped. In his mind, they already cheated.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Yes I agree it is cheating, but would it count in their favor that they stopped before anything more serious happened?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One of the AP "claim" that it stopped before anything serious happened. Is it true? Is it another lie? Only two people (in the room) know the truth.

The only thing that might possibly count in their favor is remorse. True remorse and not rug sweeping. Honesty. Faithfulness. Understand why it happened. A conscious effort to never do it again. A willingness to open up to the BS and accept whatever the BS needs to heal.

So no, the WS entered the room alone with the OM/OW with the intent to cheat. Then the WS "claims" nothing happened. Might be the truth. Might not be. Nobody outside of the two could know the truth and the BS has every right to treat this event as if it happened. WSs have a tendency to lie and minimize.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Of course it's cheating - he didn't tell his spouse about it and doesn't feel like telling it, because he knows it is not a part of the contract they have.

Wouldn't want to know? I guess that depends on who you are, some people prefer to live on a lie - I don't, so I would like to know and decide for my self if it was a deal breaker.

In this case, knowing myself, I think I would forgive it, given regret and learning from the experience.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I also agree this is cheating.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Yes I agree it is cheating, but would it count in their favor that they stopped before anything more serious happened?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Surely that would be up to the offended party to determine, no?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The cheating began when they started talking about meeting up for sex because that is a choice they made to betray their spouse.

everything past that is the specific details of what they did while cheating.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's cheating.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> Scenario : A spouse meets up with a former flame or a coworker for sex. They get to the hotel room or wherever for sex, they have a few drinks,share a kiss maybe, But then abruptly the spouse breaks it off and says that they cannot cheat on their significant other and leaves. Goes no contact,ect for good. Would this be considered cheating, a deal breaker, would you even want to know? I have a friend in this situation right now. Thoughts? (No penetration, no oral, no petting)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this would be considered the most common lie every unfaithful spouse says when busted.

It's not only cheating it's lying too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

My friend has no reason to hide anything from me, idk his wife and family and even if I did I wouldn't say anything..yes he made a serious mistake but felt enough remorse not to cross that essential line...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> Scenario : A spouse meets up with a former flame or a coworker for sex. They get to the hotel room or wherever for sex, they have a few drinks,share a kiss maybe, But then abruptly the spouse breaks it off and says that they cannot cheat on their significant other and leaves. Goes no contact,ect for good. Would this be considered cheating, a deal breaker, would you even want to know? I have a friend in this situation right now. Thoughts? (No penetration, no oral, no petting)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see it as cheating.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> Yes I agree it is cheating, but would it count in their favor that they stopped before anything more serious happened?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is there a point system? A deal breaker boundary is either passed or it is not. Beyond that it comes down to whether the couple can R.

So is that scenario better than banging the EX three days a week for a year? Sure. 

Boundaries. Kinda like is running over someone in your car better if you only do it once. I suppose.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Well they might not have physically cheated but the *Intent* was there and thats as good. Besides I don't think a person can actually go into a room with another person(who is not their significant other) and just kiss. At least I wouldn't believe it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> The cheating began when they started talking about meeting up for sex because that is a choice they made to betray their spouse.
> 
> everything past that is the specific details of what they did while cheating.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

I will add more detail. His wife has physically cheated on him in the past, he is raising a child that isn't his from her previous affair. What he planned on was a revenge affair and could not go through with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> My friend has no reason to hide anything from me, idk his wife and family and even if I did I wouldn't say anything..yes he made a serious mistake but felt enough remorse not to cross that essential line...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not a mistake. It was not an accident. It was a bad choice. Subtle I know but folks need to be accountable for their actions.

Husband of the year. Wondermous.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Well they might not have physically cheated but the *Intent* was there and thats as good. Besides I don't think a person can actually go into a room with another person(who is not their significant other) and just kiss. At least I wouldn't believe it.


:iagree:









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> My friend has no reason to hide anything from me, idk his wife and family and even if I did I wouldn't say anything..yes he made a serious mistake but felt enough remorse not to cross that essential line...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds like he told you about this but not his wife. If that is the case, then he is also cheating with you.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

dormant said:


> I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds like he told you about this but not his wife. If that is the case, then he is also cheating with you.



What???!!?? that's crazy! We are both men, I'm his friend from work and we occasionally drink together. How is he cheating with me???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't like it. I would consider it cheating because intent was there and the energy to get the hotel room and to go to it at the appointed time.....which then also means some song and dance had to be created to account for the time in the hotel room.

ETA: and who the hell is paying for the damned hotel room?

Boundaries are good and breaking a boundary should be considered as bad as actual penetration or other acts of cheating.

This is sort of like when I was in high school. My parents had a rule that I was not to be in any one's home when their parents weren't there. IT did not matter whether there were boys there or not; or whether sex had occurred or not. 

the other problem that I see with these relationships is that they take on a life and momentum of their own. Even your WP will claim that they didn't intend for it to get this far and as my fiance said after the fact, he was worried that "he was leading her on" (she who had told him that she was doing online dating and was started to date regularly one guy in particular). 

Well, if you don't want to risk leading someone on, then leave them alone and make them leave you alone.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's cheating, but given the fact he/she came to their senses before anything serious happened and established permanent NC, I'd be more relieved than angry. Certainly I'd be hurt that things reached to that extent.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> Scenario : A spouse meets up with a former flame or a coworker for sex. They get to the hotel room or wherever for sex, they have a few drinks,share a kiss maybe, But then abruptly the spouse breaks it off and says that they cannot cheat on their significant other and leaves.


Never Happens in Real Life.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

It was cheating when thought about. It was cheating when a an agreed upon location was made. It was cheating when a few drinks were had. It was cheating when a kiss was shared. It was cheating when a change of heart occurred and it was cheating when the decision to make no contact was made. 

*No one that is grown should get a pat on the back for going through the motions of cheating but chickening out before penetration and making no furthur contact.* 

Good you didnt go all the way but had I found out as a spouse, you probably should have gone all the way because that marriage would be over


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

snap said:


> Never Happens in Real Life.


Happened to me, though not in a hotel room.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It's an EA that allegedly didn't go PA. He couldn't get to the point of getting a hotel room if not for the EA. So it's cheating. Even though he's raising an OC from his WWs affair, doesn't justify it. He should just divorce her.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)




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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> My friend has no reason to hide anything from me, idk his wife and family and even if I did I wouldn't say anything..yes he made a serious mistake but felt enough remorse not to cross that essential line...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so here is bigger question, rather than answering your question (I think many have done that already)... what are you doing to hold your friend accountable to keep this activity from happening ever again? He tried it once that does not mean he will not try it again (that is if truthful this time), he may not reveal the next because he went a step further. 

Are you interested in ensuring that his marriage and this family survives? If you are, you need to be an honest friend to this individual. Call it like it is... you leave it up to him (I know I will be in the minority of this opinion) to reveal what he wants to his wife, but you need to keep him honest to his vows into the future. Be hard on him... e.g., if he has a call on his cell and you suspect as suspicious, ask him "who that was and make him show you the number" Call the number back... Be a real friend to both him and his family. Now that you are enpowered with this information you have a responsibility to act. 

I am less about answering the question, I am more about wanting you to act on it. Don't let him stray again... Got it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Cheating = yes
Adultory = no


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> I will add more detail. His wife has physically cheated on him in the past, he is raising a child that isn't his from her previous affair. What he planned on was a revenge affair and could not go through with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK it is still cheating. Let be adults about this. He should own up to it and the two of them need to be in MC and then decide if they can really stay married.

We have heard this since we were all babies. Two wrongs do not make a right. Just makes you stupid


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Wazza said:


> Happened to me, though not in a hotel room.


You caught up with old flame with intention to have sex, planned to meet somewhere, kissed and then you stopped?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

snap said:


> You caught up with old flame with intention to have sex, planned to meet somewhere, kissed and then you stopped?


After my wife's affair there was a girl I was attracted to, a friend of the wife's, who visited the home for dinner when wife was out. We ate, watched a movie together, she sent signals she was interested, I put my arm around her with thoughts of much more in my head, then rethought and stopped. Some differences but some parallels, epecially a moment where I thought in my mind "This is where I want it to go" followed a little later by "no this is wrong."

I felt enough guilt not to tell the wife for years. When I did she told me she knew something had happened but didn't know what.

One of the reasons I am more forgiving of WS on this board is how close I came to being one. Or maybe actually was, reading this thread. Need to think about that.

It wasn't a premeditated plan, it was a moment of weak desire that I did not control for a short time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> The cheating began when they started talking about meeting up for sex because that is a choice they made to betray their spouse.
> 
> everything past that is the specific details of what they did while cheating.


This sums up my thoughts.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> I will add more detail. His wife has physically cheated on him in the past, he is raising a child that isn't his from her previous affair. What he planned on was a revenge affair and could not go through with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



He has never gotten over his wife's affair. And having to support the other man's baby just makes it even worse.

Why cant he divorce his wife? He knows he can find another woman.


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