# Heart says stay, head says go



## Luna12 (Aug 2, 2017)

Hi all! I received some good advice in a previous thread and decided to seek more. Previous thread was "Feel guilty about wanting divorce"

After kicking my husband out he apologized and said he "gets it" when I would point out his lying. He also indicated that he thought I deserved better and he wants things to work out but understands if they don't. 

I'm having a very difficult time deciding whether I should just separate and give him time to seek a psychologist about the lying or if I should just go for a divorce. My heart doesn't want to let go. I still love and care about him. I want him to succeed in his education, work, etc. My brain is telling me he is most likely going to go back into old habits and I will just be brought down once again. Continuous lying is something difficult to overcome.

I need to make a decision quickly to secure something in legal writing in regards to custody of our child. His parents are trying to get him to file for divorce before I do and they want custodial rights etc.... according to him he doesn't want to file though. I want something to shut his parents down. They can't really afford to fight it either but they are another subject entirely. 

Has anyone been in a relationship with a liar that changed? Is it better to just divorce and maybe come back later. Anyone I have talked to suggested divorce. My heart is broken. I don't want to give up and let go. I still love him. 

Any advice is appreciated. I apologize for the long post.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

What did he lie about?


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## Luna12 (Aug 2, 2017)

Before we married he had lied about having his Bachelor's degree. He also lied about his military service. After marriage he said he had an honorary degree, worked on a big computer program, and made a fake warrant for my sister's arrest. Constant gaslighting about little thongs. He also cant hold a job and has had 8 in the two years we've been married.

When I list it like this it seems obvious but I'm still struggling.

I don't know of I need to see a counselor or read a book.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He really should demonstrate for a full year that he wants to improve. It'll be hard on you, but I think it's for the best and you'll get over it. If he really wants to work on himself, he will. If he can't be arsed, he won't. At least you'll have your answer then and can move on. You want him to succeed, which shows you care, but his success is not your problem, it's his and it needs to be his to own. 

But don't let him back in. Good intentions don't earn respect and they can shift with the wind. Actions are the only telltale sign of progress, and they must be consistent, long term actions.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Luna12 said:


> Before we married he had lied about having his Bachelor's degree. He also lied about his military service. After marriage he said he had an honorary degree, worked on a big computer program, and made a fake warrant for my sister's arrest. Constant gaslighting about little thongs. He also cant hold a job and has had 8 in the two years we've been married.
> 
> When I list it like this it seems obvious but I'm still struggling.
> 
> I don't know of I need to see a counselor or read a book.


Hmmm, sounds pathological, and those types of people are hard to change. Not impossible, but hard. I agree with Satya's advice. Sorry you're here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Listen to your head -- your heart will deceive you. 

I married very young. Early on, I realized my husband was a chronic liar. When confronted, he always promised to change. But he never did. Words are, of course, the easy part -- actions are what actually matter. Decades later, I finally divorced him. I wish I had done that in the beginning when all of my life was ahead of me and not behind me. 

It can be a very tough life. Just be aware of that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Luna12 said:


> I need to make a decision quickly to secure something in legal writing in regards to custody of our child. His parents are trying to get him to file for divorce before I do and they want custodial rights etc.... according to him he doesn't want to file though. I want something to shut his parents down. They can't really afford to fight it either but they are another subject entirely.


What grounds would his parent have to get custodial rights? Their chances of doing that is next to zero. Your child has as 2 living parents who take care of the child, right? There is probably not a lawyer who would take that case 'cause it would be thrown out of court.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Liars dont change. The end. 

Not sure why in the world his parents think they have any kind of right to custody. Get an attorney and file for divorce.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Luna12 said:


> When I list it like this it seems obvious but I'm still struggling.
> 
> I don't know of I need to see a counselor or read a book.


You need to seek a counsellor and a good one. You need to figure out why you want to spend your time with a pathological liar. I don't mean to be harsh but it's true. Books are great for understanding with your brain what is going on, but a counsellor will help you work on your stuff, otherwise you will end up with the same guy in a different package. 

As for this relationship, file for divorce, make him be a dad if you can, if not, just work on yourself to find out why you are willing to put up with someone who doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. There's some big stuff behind that. It won't be easy but it'll be a helluva lot easier than living with a liar. Also as your child gets older do you want him/her exposed to a parent who is a liar? 

You can find someone you love as much as him who doesn't disrespect you and manipulate you the way he does. Leaving is scary and that's why so many people stay in crappy marriages. If you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for your child.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What grounds would his parent have to get custodial rights? Their chances of doing that is next to zero. Your child has as 2 living parents who take care of the child, right? There is probably not a lawyer who would take that case 'cause it would be thrown out of court.


Yeah, unless you are determined by the court to be an unfit parent (which would be something like a convicted child abuser, flunked several drug tests in a row, on the sex offender registry etc etc) they would have no grounds for custody. 

Some states will allow grandparental rights and will ensure that the grandparents will have visitation access. but in order for them to have any kind of custodial rights over you, you will have to be determined to be an unfit parent and a danger to the child. 

Mothers have to be really really really really really really really really really really really really bad to have parental rights revoked and to be placed in the custody of paternal grandparents. 
- as in convicted of child neglect resulting in death or near death of a child, abuse resulting in permanent bodily damage, serial positive hard drug tests with associated positive drug detection in or on the child, convicted of pimping out the child for child prostitution or child porn etc etc 

It is really hard to revoke a mother's custodial rights.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think your heart will soon follow your brain.. You've come this far, I would just continue going because his lies are HUGE... not just about not going to work or to a strip bar. Not so sure I would get over that... But if you have time and patience then give him 6 months or so to get his life together.. but don't allow him to wiggle his way back in the house or your life until you see MAJOR improvements...


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