# Should be an agreement about sex initiation?



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Just wanted to ask what do you think about the importance of both getting the importance of initiating sex. Sometimes, it gets to me that 90% of the time, I have to initiate sex. Although, after a few minutes, she gets into it and start showing sings of life, still bothers me when woman don't understand how important is for a man to be the one lying down and the woman be the one all over him...I guess it related to the level of sex drive? what do you think?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> I guess it related to the level of sex drive? what do you think?


I believe it IS related to sex drive, whose ever is higher will undoubably be doing the majority of initiating/chasing. So it sounds as though all else is good, she has opened up so much in the last year but she lacks this one thing you still are craving. If you are going at it almost every day or every other, Her lack of trying here may just be because you get to the punch before she has the opportunity ? I say this because this is what my husband has said to me.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Yes, I agree but shouldn't the low sex drive person make an effort at least once a week and be consistent so you can get to feel what it is when somebody is all over you and want to make love to you....isn't it better for the relationship in the long term?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> Yes, I agree but shouldn't the low sex drive person make an effort at least once a week and be consistent so you can get to feel what it is when somebody is all over you and want to make love to you....isn't it better for the relationship in the long term?


Definetely I agree with you, it turns the world over for the High drive 'always in need" partner. 

Are you waiting a week for her to come on to you ? In my case, I could not wait past a day or two. Now we just have an understanding, when we get alone, this is the "plan" , to get naked & see where it leads. Kind of a mutual thing, it is no longer me who does it or him, just kinda "you know it is in the air" if we have the time & are alone and if we have not did it in 24 hrs or so. And then there are nights where I say , "hey honey, we can wait till tomorrow". Building a little desire is never a bad thing.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I don't know if it's sex drive so much as it is leader/follower in the relationship.
I am and always have been the leader in my marriage and my wife the follower. Part of our trouble was that I always initiated sex, so I felt that she was doing it just for me.
Now, after sitting down and talking about it, she initiates more often, but still not as much as I do.


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## lace5262 (Oct 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Although, after a few minutes, she gets into it and start showing sings of life,


It has been my understanding that most women only get aroused AFTER you're already 'into it'. It is sex drive related. Men have that awesome hormone testosterone. Any man with a healthy level of that will be driven to seek out sex. Women just do not have that hormone in the levels that men do, so why would she initiate something that she's more than likely not even thinking about? As high as my drive is, I will never know what it feels like to be my husband. 

Your wife can however learn to be a 'generous wife'. She can learn to think sexual & get herself in the mood, so that she will want to initiate. But it will take effort on her part to get & stay in that frame of mind.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

That's why I do think a schedule is important for married couples.

Naked Sundays
Hump Day Wednesdays.
Banging Fridays.

Whatever.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

marcopoly69 - my view is, yes sex SHOULD be viewed as important by the partner that is the lower sex drive person / non-love language partner. But the reality is that is just isn't for the VAST majority. And so you can pine for it to be different, and beg, nag, imply, or feel hurt... or just do something about it.

The "alpha" crowd on this site would tell you to adopt more alpha male behaviours, which may help. Or the other two options are, just accept it. Or leave the marriage.

We don't always get what we want in life. 

I find sites like this can set unrealistic expectations because for every woman on this site who formally neglected her husband, and then realized how much that hurt him and all of a sudden became very sexual, (these success stories that we hope to get) there a MANY others who don't change. The woman married to good men that know a middling sex life is frustrating/hurtful to him, but can't or won't do anything to change it.

And so you get in this head swirl - She won't change, communicating my needs hasn't worked, so I'll try to change myself. So I change myself, but nothing changes, so maybe I didn't change myself in the right way. So I change myself, and nothing changes, so I didn't change myself in the right way... repeat, repeat, repeat.

My advice, is don't expect your wife to change. If you can live with her how it currently is, then accept it. If you can't, make plans to leave.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> Your wife can however learn to be a 'generous wife'. She can learn to think sexual & get herself in the mood, so that she will want to initiate. But it will take effort on her part to get & stay in that frame of mind.


Respectfully to lace, these kinds of statements are actually very damaging because they engender false hope. You have no idea if she is capable OR willing to be the generous wife you describe. And since she's not on these boards to ask, all this does is create a hope/expectation death spiral for maropoly, because now he has it in his head that is it POSSIBLE she can become more generous, and he'll stew on that one and try to figure out how to make it happen.

(Lace, hope I didn't offend, just a good way to illustrate my point.)


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## lace5262 (Oct 13, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Respectfully to lace, these kinds of statements are actually very damaging because they engender false hope. You have no idea if she is capable OR willing to be the generous wife you describe. And since she's not on these boards to ask, all this does is create a hope/expectation death spiral for maropoly, because now he has it in his head that is it POSSIBLE she can become more generous, and he'll stew on that one and try to figure out how to make it happen.
> 
> (Lace, hope I didn't offend, just a good way to illustrate my point.)


If she can have sex, she is capable of being generous. But yes, being willing is another story. I don't think he should expect it, no, because we can't change our spouses. His wife will have to find the want to, to want to. I don't think there's anything wrong with hoping for the things we'd like, as long as he understands it may never happen, and he'll have to decide if he's okay with that or not. So in my last post I should have said, "effort AND willingness".

And you didn't offend me in the least, as I hope I haven't offended you.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Honestly..when reading some posts sometimes, I'm left thinking to myself "can't people put their feelings aside just a LITTLE for the person they say they love?"????????????? Is it selfishness, entitlement..what. I don't get it. And it doesn't necessarily have to do with sex...it's just the inability to see that something is really important to the other person, and set your own SELF aside for just a bit to give something to the other person. Using sex as the example, if one person KNOWS it's important to the other to initiate sex sometimes, can't you put it in your head to do so and then DO IT? 
I'm not saying this the way I want to, I just hope I've made my point. I just don't understand it sometimes. That's not saying you have to completely bury yourself to give and give and give to the other person...but c'mon, can't it be done sometimes?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I honestly cannot understand why initiating is such a big deal. If sex is otherwise fulfilling why not be happy. I don't initiate not because I have a lower sex drive but because of my background and preference. I just donot feel comfortable doing it, if my husband made a big deal about this I think I would resent it, our sex life is not exactly what he wants nor exactly what I want but it is good for both of us. Why make a big deal out of this and risk upsetting an already good situation. 

I am affectionate with my husband, I love to be held by him and to hold him but it 90% of the time that's all I want. Maybe she can initiate with affection which is subtle but it is initiating and may be all she can manage. The jumping all over a man with enthusiasm seems so contrived, she may not be inspired to do so why does she need to put on an act. Why don't you put on an act and pretend that you appreiciate her just as she is and you are greatful for how far she has come. Why don't you put on an act of enthusiastic acceptance and utter happiness for the person she is. If you can't do that consistently then why would you expect her to pretend she is hot for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW his wife has come a long long way and has done many things just to satisfy him. I don't have a sense that she really enjoys doing much of what he requires yet she is generous enough to do it as an act of love. My question is how much is enough, the more she gives the more he wants. She may be better off going back to her comfort zone with sex because her current effort is not appreciated or valued so why bother. My point is she is not required to give and give and give with no end in site. I would not be suprised if she shut down altogether because of the constant sexual pressure. I feel really bad for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> That's why I do think a schedule is important for married couples.
> 
> Naked Sundays
> Hump Day Wednesdays.
> ...


Can't tell if you are trying to be funny. I would think that this would kill any kind of mood.


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## *Betty* (Jan 12, 2011)

My (now) husband and I discussed this before we moved in together. While we were dating I initiated quite a bit (higher sex drive, I guess) but he told me later that it was a turn off and that he wanted to initiate every time; which was okay with me as long as it got initiated and I am a bit of a submissive anyway. Hasn't been initiated now in months, despite my best efforts, and I wish we hadn't had the talk, because I really miss sex


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

My husband wanted me to initiate every now and again. So I did. But then it wasn't good enough because he knew I was initiating not because I wanted sex, it was because I knew HE wanted sex. So I don't know how you can win that kind of thing.

I've always wondered what the big deal was initiating. If you don't initiate, you don't have sex.. so being the initiator is really a tiny price to pay in the grand scheme of things. Does it really matter who asks for it in the first place? The fact is you are having SEX!!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

HelloooNurse, let's change the word "sex" to "dishes" or "taking the kids" or "cleaning". 

If you always have to ask your man to do the "dishes" or some other chore to help you, despite the fact that he KNOWS you like it when he helps unasked, don't you at some point feel resentful?


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