# Confused and hurting



## MixedBagQueen (Mar 14, 2013)

My partner (about 6 years) and I have had a couple of sessions with her therapist about some struggles trying to work through issues we're having. We had some issues in the beginning - she has DID due to child sexual abuse, is also a previous battered wife. I am a recovering codependent, a Non-BPD, and an HSP. Things were a little shaky from the start, but the first couple of years, we managed better than we do now. 

We've had a lot happen to us in the past few years including her losing a job she loved and a nice salary, unemployment for two years, having temporary custody (10 months) of her newborn grandson, her suicide attempt, her current under-employment, ongoing financial problems for both of us, my developing lots of anxiety over these situations, as well as depression. Our communication is shot because we're both on edge emotionally and when we try to talk about a problem, things unravel very quickly and in a really freaky way.

After a couple of years of individual therapy early on, I learned to respect her requests that I stop nagging about her not helping with cooking and cleaning. I finally did just stop begging her to help, and I just do what I could and leave the rest. If I don't want to cook dinner, I don't, but I tell her to fend for herself. Now... she vehemently criticises me for doing that! I've explained that I understand that she finds this change difficult to adjust to, but for the past several years, I've felt overwhelmed by the cooking and cleaning so I had to make a change for myself. She feels like I'm doing it to be mean and ugly to her. 

Sometimes, I say one thing, but she hears it differently (very negatively or hurtfully). She says she feels that she can't say anything to me because I flip out, but I feel frustrated and invalidated because she is saying things that are hurtful but gets mad when I say it hurt my feelings or say it wasn't very nice, etc. For instance: she gave an example during our session this week where she and I were talking about my job and I said that I make things happen so seamlessly at work, that my boss has no idea how involved what I do for him is. In a sarcastic tone, she said "I wish you could do that here at home." I stated: "that wasn't a very nice thing to say," and she blew up. I was hurt because historically, she uses passive aggressive behavior to try and avoid household cleaning and cooking because her mother took care of those things when she was growing up, or they had a maid. In my family history - I sometimes felt like the maid! I was assigned a lot of chores. 

Anyway, I digress.... regarding the example she gave to the therapist, she said that I am making her crazy because she can't say things without my overreacting and getting hurt. The therapist told me I shouldn't have assumed what she really meant by the statement and told me to ask for clarification, which I did. My partner's clarification was that it takes such an effort for us to coordinate cooking and cleaning in our house, and she was only saying that she wishes it were as simple for our home as it is for me at work. 

I failed to see how her explanation clarified anything.... it seems like what she explained was basically what I had assumed she meant. Her therapist tried to talk me all around it and when I wouldn't budge on my feelings, she finally told my partner that she should consider owning up to hurting my feelings and apologizing. That was a couple of days ago and my partner has given me the silent treatment ever since. 

Given that I do my share, but won't respond to her passing comments about what still needs to be done, she makes the determination that I am making things difficult! I will never understand this..... SHE needs to take care of cleaning it if it bothers her! I've done as much as feels physically/emotionally acceptable for me which is often 60 to 80% of the work. 

The therapist said that we need to stop keeping score and work together better. I don't really understand what that looks like short of my doing ALL of the work. 

Another example of an issue we're struggling with is her adult daughter hates me and won't even speak to me when she comes to our house. Whenever she's around, I get so stressed out that my IBS acts us. The daughter wanted to spend the night Christmas Eve and I told my partner absolutely not. That much time with her would be too upsetting for me. The daughter and her boyfriend and son could come over for Christmas dinner with the rest of the guests as planned. 

In my partner's mind, I am being unreasonable and not trying enough to make a difficult situation work. My therapist anbd I felt like this was a good compromise. If someone in my family was so disrespectful to my partner, I wouldn't tolerate it. I would ask them to be polite or stay away altogether - Christmas or not.

I see some skewed or twisted thinking, narcissism, manipulation, passive aggressive stuff.... essentially, a long list of things that are very concerning to me in terms of whether or not this relationship is headed for death. 

My partner says that I am so much better at this psychology stuff than she is and that it puts her at a disadvantage. I wish her therapist had said that it doesn't matter if you're not on the same page as long as you're reading the same book and trying to get there. 

Instead, I feel invalidated and feel like she is blaming me for expressing my concern when she is verbally ugly to me or ignores me for days on end. It feels emotionally cruel that she's getting into my head by continuing to tell me that I am the problem, not her. 

I really hope that someone other than my paid therapist can give me a reality check about what is going on here.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Don't know what Non-BPD or HSP stand for but....DID= Dissociative Identity Disorder? IBS= Irritable Bowel Syndrome?
Non-BPD= Not Borderline Personality Disorder? WhatTheHell is that? Non bi-polar? Never heard of Non with these things. HSP? Histrionic ....? 

I'm still a little confused but it sounds like you both are in very delicate emotionally vulnerable spots right now. You two are feeding off of each others attempts to get emotional support from the other, twisting it and hearing something else.

You can't hear that she needs you to put more effort into household stuff because you feel like you have done the lions share already. So, instead, your hear an accusation that you are not doing enough. Which creates hurt and builds resentment.

Have I got that about right?

I don't think your MC is going to be very effective until you each have worked well enough on your own separate issues. AND it appears that your own separate issues are feeding the monster of the other. 

If these diagnosis are current, DID and Bi-polar or Borderline.. Histrionic... Um... Do either of you really think there is anyone alive who could possibly meet your emotional needs? With these mental health issues, being with someone who doesn't fit into the neurotic or psychotic spectrum would take Herculean efforts. You both have these issues, so neither of you are capable of temporarily putting your needs aside to help and assist the other.

Have you two thought about a trial separation? A predetermined amount of time living apart with the goal of healing your own selves enough to come back together to finish the healing together?


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## MixedBagQueen (Mar 14, 2013)

Holy moley! Thanks for pointing out that my post was very confusing! If I may "decode:"

Non BPD is a term used to identify a person who as been affected by another person with borderline personality disorder (i.e. former spouse). 

IBS = irritable bowel syndrome

DID = Dissociative Identity Disorder (currently in "remission")

HSP = Highly Sensitive Person

Yes, you have it correct that I just want to scream when she sits there in therapy telling the therapist that she can't get me to be more cooperative in terms of cooking and cleaning. Whether I like it or not, her statement is true to her! It feels like she is criticizing me for not doing HER work. I don't think she's taking responsibility for her part. I readily admitted that I stopped taking care of all of it because it was just killing me. Right or wrong - I did what I had to do for my own sanity. She seems to want me to take responsibility for her part too. My IC says... so what! Just because she complains that you won't be her personal servant doesn't mean you have to accept that as your reality. Just hearing her say it to the therapist really hurt my feeling and I just burst out in tears. It almost feels like a betrayal. Part of me understands, though, that she believes this due to her narcissistic "filter" and as wrong as it is, I probably need to allow her to see it that way and stop trying to explain logically or rationally that it's way off base. That highly sensitive part of me is having so much trouble with her saying something about me that is totally false.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

You both would probably be better of being separated.
The both of you together just sadly feed off of each other.

At least if you are both single,you both will have peace of
mind and maybe it will give you both time to reflect
maybe see things in a different light.


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## Sunbubble (Mar 15, 2013)

I have recently separated from a very similar experience, and I can just assure you that sitting and "feeling like screaming" if you are already in the therapists office is a sign, that both of you indeed may be better off alone. Despite of all that drama to work through during th separation, in the end we both fet that this is better for us.


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