# probably think im crazy



## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Seperated for about a month, she cheated 3x in marriage i cheated 1x , after her last affair we realized we had to do something different so we seperated, still getting along good and deciding where we need to go with this. I spy on her phone records. I have noticed she is texting the guiy she cheated with here and there. Heres the thing, she is living at her moms house and this guy owes her mom work on their house because of a business arrangement. The texts between wife and him are probably about work being done at house but it kills me to think that maybe they are re-kindling. The frequency of the texts are nothing like they were when they were sleeping together. I want to confront her with it but I also realize that we are seperated and she can talk to whoever she wants, I just know this guy is not good for her right now while she tries to figure things out. How do I just let it go???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I mean you are getting divorced so I would just only discuss legalities at this point. 

Stop spying on her and move on with your life.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

We are not sure if divorce is where we are headed.. we have given ourselves 6 months apart to try and figure things out, to see if we can or cannot find a way to be happy together. Plus there are two kids to add to the equation.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Let it go because as it sounds like you two have an agreement that you are now separated and she can talk to whomever she wants to. It may be a bad choice for her to be making but it isn't your call. It is hard, but letting her make her own choices and not getting so involved in what those choices are, will be so much better for you even if you don't agree with them.

I did the same thing and after three years, am now just realizing that this is the right thing to do.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

mk50 said:


> We are not sure if divorce is where we are headed.. we have given ourselves 6 months apart to try and figure things out, to see if we can or cannot find a way to be happy together. Plus there are two kids to add to the equation.


Then you give it six months apart. Apart means you leave her to her own devices, and you spend your time considering your life and next steps. Apart means getting your own life in shape without her. Apart does not mean spying on her.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

mk50, I don't think you're crazy, I think you're a fool in love who has low self esteem.

With some dedication and perseverance, both those problems can be fixed.

Here's the problem. Go re-read your original post, only substitute "she" everywhere you wrote "we."

"She" decided to do someone, ooops, sorry, someTHING different. She decided to separate and go live with her Mom.YOU just went along with these choices, because she is in control of the relationship.

You know how I know that? Easy, it's where you said

"she cheated3X in marriage."

So, here you find yourself, married to a woman who has hatred and contempt for you in place of love and passion. You love her, so you spy on her, and find that, surprise, surprise, she is still talking to one of the men-she-had-sex-with-besides-her-husband.

Here's how you let it go.

First, look yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself that if you cheated on her, you don't really love her.

Then say that if she cheated on YOU, she doesn't really love you, either.

Then, hop back on your computer and head over to the Coping With Infidelity section of TAM, and find "the 180." It is a series of specific behaviors that will help you gain some clarity and emotional distance from this toxic relationship you are in. Eat, live, and breathe the 180. 

Once you have gotten some balance back in your head, take some time and figure out what YOU really need and want in a marriage. If you are anywhere near healthy and normal "a wife who cheated on me with 3 different guys" will not be on the list.

This is going to take some time, but you will be a better person at the end of this particular journey.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Stop spying. It is a form of self-harm. You know what she is up to; seeing it just hurts you.

Are you in IC? If so, what does the counselor say? If not, why not?


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Thanks, I know its the right thing to do, and there is no point in spying but its easier to know what to do then follow your own advice and do it. I did confront her with the fact that I see she is still talking to him and while I dont care if she talks to other people, I just think getting into another relationship is not good for her right now. after we talked for awhile I get that its up to her to make her own mistakes and that I dont need to try and herlp her. Since we are still maintaining the same checking account, I was reluctant to let her get a seperate phone from my account but I did relent and she can have a seperate account that I will not be able to monitor. I do realize that it is better for my mental health too.
I just thought we went into this 6 month seperation just to get our heads straight but now I sorta see what a seperation means... I asked her outright do you see yourself as a married woman or single woman while we are seperated and she said single.. I was looking at it differently but now I realize. Aint saying its easy but at least im clear. I told her maybe for awhile we only text each other about kids and possibly bills. she agreed. We still are taking a family vacation in June and I know that we can be friendly with each other, ( I see her every morning when she comes over to get kids on bus) but as far as the daily chatting, small talk, and how are you doing chats, Im going to try my best not too. Im the talker and not having anyone to talk to is a killer. 
Yes im in IC but i only go every couple of weeks and its so/so.
Its not like I want to get out and date anyone, but I do miss just shooting the **** with someone. Most of my guy friends I wouldnt bother with this crap. Guess Ill just vent on here. haha


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

mk50- I'm glad to read that you are getting some much-needed perspective on what's going on. Like I said, you have a rough stretch of life ahead of you, but you're going to make it through.

I have some suggestions for you to consider, in response to your update. I hope you will take them to heart- they will make things a little bit smoother for you if you do.

"Its not like I want to get out and date anyone, but I do miss just shooting the **** with someone. Most of my guy friends I wouldnt bother with this crap."

You know what? GO TALK TO YOUR GUY FRIENDS! If you don't feel comfortable talking to them about the state of your relationship, talk to them about all the other stuff that caused them to become your friends in the first place! Invite them out for a beer, or over for burgers, or what the heck ever forms the basis of your friendship with them. Build new bridges and repair existing ones. They're your friends! For God's sake, they're the ones you're SUPPOSED to be shooting the **** with!

Carve out some spare time while your wife has the kids, and find some new hobbies. Those things that always seemed interesting but you never had the time to get into? Get into them! Do something new, something different.

And when you have your kids, find something new and different to do with THEM! There's a hole of sorts in your life right now. FILL IT IN!

You're in love and miserable right now, because she doesn't "love you back." Understood. Now. Remember that you're a guy. Keep your chin up- it'll make it easier to look at other women, even though you don't want to.

Your wife flat-out told you that she's going to have sex with somebody else, even though you probably didn't quite hear it like that. You should probably be at least thinking about giving as good as you are getting, even if you don't act on it.

You seem like a decent guy. Steady employment, you're taking care of the kids, you don't mention a substance abuse problem or anything major as faults. You shouldn't have cheated on your wife, but you also shouldn't still be around after she's hiked up her skirt for so many other guys.

Focus on being the most awesome version of YOU that you can be, and eventually, a decent woman will wander into your life and stay.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She cheated 3 times? That doesn't sound like good odds. A one time deal is horrible, but 3 times? Is she mentally stable?


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

3 times? Same man?


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