# Haunted by the past



## santee (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband and I separated three years ago because his career was all-consuming and he told me that our marriage would never be as important to him as his career. Even after 
I filed for legal separation, I tried to work things out with him until a mutual friend informed me that my husband already had a new girlfriend and had gone public with her days after I left him. My husband admitted he had just started seeing someone, but told me it was just sex and that it was already over. I was very upset and would have filed for divorce at that point, but our state's divorce laws required a year of legal separation in order to do so. 

So, I stopped talking to my husband, started counting the days until I could file for divorce, and began dating someone new a couple of months later. Almost a year later, I was happy in my new relationship and still planning to file for divorce from my husband. A few weeks before I would have been eligible to file for divorce, my husband asked to talk to me. We met up and he told me he had realized that nothing was more important than our marriage, that he was miserable without me and that he was willing to take another job and no anything else I wanted him to do in order to make our marriage work. We reconciled, and we agreed never to discuss any details of our romantic lives while we were separated. 

We have been back together for over two years now and everything is great. However, I recently accidentally discovered some old love letters from the woman my husband dated while we were separated, which he claims he had no idea he still had. Since I was suspicious, I looked in his email (he always leaves it open), and sure enough, he had saved every email he and this woman ever exchanged during their relationship. Although they broke up before we got back together and have apparently not been in contact since then, it is still extremely hurtful that my husband kept these letters and emails, which he admits he should have thrown away and deleted a long time ago (he claims he simply forgot they were there and did not intentionally keep them). I deleted/threw away all emails, letters, photos, gifts and any other reminders of the relationship I had while we were separated, and I assumed and expected that he had done the same.

Now I am reeling from the contents of these emails and letters, in which my husband proclaimed his love for this women, told her I never made him happy, and even told her he wanted to have children with her (which he has always told me he does not want). Also, their relationship lasted almost the entire year we were separated, not just mere weeks as he had previously told me. 

I know that my husband was allowed to date other people when we were separated -- I had a fairly serious relationship, too -- but I'm completely devastated by just how serious his relationship with this other woman was, especially during those first couple of months after we separated when I was still desperately trying to save our marriage. My husband says he is extremely sorry he hurt me by being careless and not getting rid of those old letters and emails, but that I have no right to be angry with him over his relationship because we were both single at that time and he did nothing wrong. 

I agree with him on some level, but I'm having a really hard time dealing with this information, and I can't stop thinking about him and this other woman. Am I right to be upset? What can I do to get over this?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

First, I'm sorry you're so upset about all of this. I wouldn't want to find evidence of the inner workings of my husbands mind during a rough time in our relationship, especially when another woman was involved. It would only open up old wounds.

That being said... it's in the past. That relationship no longer exists, and you and your husband have agreed to move forward together despite what you each did in the past. You are going to have to find a way to let it go. I understand that what has been seen cannot be UNseen, but for the sake of your future together you have to let it all go.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I still have anger at my husband, for his commitment issues while we dated and some bad moments around our wedding and engagement. My husband has become a man of romance and doting. I know I must forgive Hubby, since I have chosen to become his wife.

Have you discussed the letters with your husband? Perhaps destroying them together would be healing for you.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Santee,

Perhaps it's in the male "DNA", but guys have a habit of "keeping the door open".

I can almost guarantee that he thought of getting rid of all that stuff when you first got back together. Yet, he wasn't sure you were going to make it. Were you?

Had they gotten back together and he'd destroyed all that stuff? I'm certain he hadn't destroyed evidence of your previous life when he was with her.

I'm sorry to be blunt because I know it hurts.

If he's doing a good job now, go ahead and forgive him. I know you won't forget about it. And, it would have been ideal if he'd followed through as he is now very aware he should have.

This isn't as sinister as you perceive it is.

It's actually somewhat normal.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You gotta fight the urge to play the swampfox here. forgive and forget . Its ancient history. If you don't then ancient history will always be there at a convenient time for you to dredge up. To me forgiving means never bringing it up again.I have seen many people make the mistake of continuously bringing up things that are supposedly forgiven and it causes constant friction in the relationship.


----------

