# Is this my fault my husband is in the ICU?



## Kirra_2011 (Jul 26, 2011)

I feel like my husband being in the ICU is my fault and I feel so guilty. My husband is in the ICU after he basically tried to kill himself and I feel so horrible were both in our 20’s and both have amazing jobs and he did try and come to me and tell me how depressed he has been and how he feels like I am pulling away from him and not really thinks that I don’t love him. But I don’t think its true infact I know it’s true! And I do admit I have been kind of ignoring him not trying to but I look back on it and I have because of so much going on through our 2 year old having leukemia and him being diagnosed with testicular cancer. And so it’s just been crazy stressful and just so insane and I don’t know how to deal with our child and him having these kind of problems so I suppose I kind of have been pulling away! Well I got home the other night and he was bleeding out from a gunshot wound and so today was the first time I have talked to him because he had been so sedated and knocked out from his surgery well he basically admitted he tried to kill himself and he is so depressed from the cancer to the home life that he doesn’t know what else to do and he just started crying! What should I do? I mean I feel so guilty! Advice?


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

Oh my god, you guys really have a lot on your plate. Be there for him and let him know you care and will be there to support. Do you have famiky or friends that are close? You really need to get some support through these hard times. Best of luck, let's hope you'll have some better days ahead.


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## Kirra_2011 (Jul 26, 2011)

Yeah my SIL and best friends have been of so much help.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

His depression is not your fault. 

You both have a huge load to deal with. 

His own cancer and your child's has led to flawed coping efforts.

But his mental state is his own.

Consult with a psychiatrist about this. 

Hope things improve.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

Be strong. Hope things will get better for you . 

If I could, I would give you a bear hug.


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## Kirra_2011 (Jul 26, 2011)

roamingmind said:


> Be strong. Hope things will get better for you .
> 
> If I could, I would give you a bear hug.


Thanks hun.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

I wish your family all the best. Take each day one at a time, live it well, do the best you can each day.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Kirra,

Mich and Dojo are right. You need support, and professional support. He really does, too. When he recovers from the wound, he may (I don't know, ask the doctor,) be required to do some inpatient time at a mental facility for his own good until they are satisfied that he is "safe." You don't need to tell him that now, and like I said, check with the doctor first to see what the plans are. I've been there, and it was a really good thing for me and helped me turn my life around. Just be there to support him and let him know you're not going anywhere. 
I am not saying this is easy on you. You need some respite, too. If you belong to a church, seek out your church family to help you any way you need. When this hard time in your life has passed (and it may be years,) someone else will need you and you can return the favor. Don't be afraid to ask. People want to help, sometimes they just don't know how. If you need a meal cooked, or a ride to a doctor, or a sitter overnight, someone will step up. Even if you don't have the benefit of this kind of help, look into public community services programs. search google for community service board, ask at the hospital, at the schools. 

I would recommend getting counseling for both you and your husband for stress management/coping skills with minimum, a LCSW. Hubby ABSOLUTELY needs counseling support for depression, and maybe some meds too. I can't imagine they would discharge him without some sort of plan for that, but make sure there is one. 
I just said a prayer for you. The one day at a time advice is excellent too. Every day we all wake up together is a gift. 
Some people wake up alone. Their days are gifts as well. 
Kiss that baby for me.


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## Kirra_2011 (Jul 26, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Kirra,
> 
> Mich and Dojo are right. You need support, and professional support. He really does, too. When he recovers from the wound, he may (I don't know, ask the doctor,) be required to do some inpatient time at a mental facility for his own good until they are satisfied that he is "safe." You don't need to tell him that now, and like I said, check with the doctor first to see what the plans are. I've been there, and it was a really good thing for me and helped me turn my life around. Just be there to support him and let him know you're not going anywhere.
> I am not saying this is easy on you. You need some respite, too. If you belong to a church, seek out your church family to help you any way you need. When this hard time in your life has passed (and it may be years,) someone else will need you and you can return the favor. Don't be afraid to ask. People want to help, sometimes they just don't know how. If you need a meal cooked, or a ride to a doctor, or a sitter overnight, someone will step up. Even if you don't have the benefit of this kind of help, look into public community services programs. search google for community service board, ask at the hospital, at the schools.
> ...


Thanks they plan on having him see a therapist twice a week and see a Psychiatrist at least once a month and get him started on meds before they let him go.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Kirra_2011 said:


> Thanks they plan on having him see a therapist twice a week and see a Psychiatrist at least once a month and get him started on meds before they let him go.


Not your fault at all or even close to it!
I'm almost angry at your H for deserting the family emotionally when everyone needs him the most. I said almost because I feel for him too, because not only is he fighting the fight himself, he has to watch his baby go through the fight too. Not much too offer, but prayers for recovery for all in your family and a big hug to you. You should not feel guilty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm sorry this is all happening, but it is not your fault. You both have had way too much to deal with, but I hope he gets the help he needs.


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## Kirra_2011 (Jul 26, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Not your fault at all or even close to it!
> I'm almost angry at your H for deserting the family emotionally when everyone needs him the most. I said almost because I feel for him too, because not only is he fighting the fight himself, he has to watch his baby go through the fight too. Not much too offer, but prayers for recovery for all in your family and a big hug to you. You should not feel guilty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks i can't be mad at him either i tried and failed.  I feel so bad because i feel like i neglected him.


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## Kirra_2011 (Jul 26, 2011)

I talked to him today and he started crying and saying how sorry he would never do it again and please don't leave him.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I'm sorry you all are going thru this.

Cancer doesn't mean a death sentence. They have treatments. It's hard, but one can come thru. Just look at Lance Armstrong. 

You both forgive each other, but most of all forgive yourselves. 

Seek out a support team. Ones who will help, encourage. Be there. Talk with the hospital staff, the drs. and cancer clinic. They are there to help you, and inform you. You have a full plate. While being the strong one thru all this, don't forget to be good to yourself.

I wish you all the best. Peace, and strength. You can get thru this, you must, and you WILL !


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## hellothere (Jul 24, 2011)

Don't forget to seek help for yourself! All this stress has got to be wearing you away!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

This is not your fault. This was his (very poorly chosen) way of dealing with everything. 

You guys have had a lot of seriously stressful stuff going on. Things that would stress anyone out, but then you add depression to the mix and it's a major overload. 

He needs to get some very serious help. Being in the ICU from a self inflicted gunshot wound will likely lead to him getting that help, as I can't imagine they're going to release him to go home without trying to figure out why he did it to begin with. 

I also think you should consider talking to someone as well.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Wow, I feel for you. Not an easy situation. My friend has a daughter who had leukemia. The treatments were tough but she is in remission. It is very treatable most times, so there is lots of hope for your son. But very stressful for you both.

Your husband's cancer and suicide is not your fault. I feel a lot of compassion for you and for him. Nobody can pass judgement on your husband. He obviously was in so much emotional pain he tried to deal with it the only way he knew how. But you need to know that YOU cannot save another person. Your husband must learn how to take care of himself and hopefully he will.

Please find a psychologist who is trained to deal with your husband's type of mental issues. Not every therapist is competent. Hopefully the hosptial can give you a list of licensed clinical psychologists in your area. 

You need to take care of yourself. Yes, be there for your husband, but also take care of YOU. Lean on friends and family who know and love you. You will get through this. Just be gentle with yourself.

Hugs.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You maybe able to seek help for your child from St. Jude. That way it won't be a financial drain on the family.

Your husband has alot of fear, but there is help. Oncologists understand this, and will put him in touch with all the right ppl to care for him.


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