# Gradual disinterest



## bluegirl87 (Apr 20, 2013)

What do you do if you realize you married the wrong guy. You married the rather nerdy guy who is a great provider, a great father, kind hearted, would do anything for you and his family, yet you are not attracted anymore at all to him, his manner of speech, the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he looks, and this just hit you like a ton of bricks. What do you do? How in the heck do you handle this? I honestly wish I could have a lobotomy so that my brain doesn't even think this anymore, it's awful!!!


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

What do you do?

You have an forthright assessment of yourself, and ask if you have developed some attraction to someone else. If you have, your attraction to your husband will suffer, and you need to shut yourself off from that person if you want to have any chance of recovering your attraction to your husband.

If not, you look back and ask if your husband used to be attractive and figure out what has changed. Tell your husband you are having problems. Seek out counseling to ask for help finding attraction again. Give yourself another good self-assessment and see if there are areas where you have allowed him to develop or exacerbate unattractive behavior - i.e., allowing him to sink into a provisioner role. Did he used to do anything manly that he stopped doing to spend time with the family? Does he still have an outside life that he gave up? Has he developed addictions (porn, video games, etc.)? If he always been this way and nothing has changed, what has happened that has changed you?

If all else fails, have a heart to heart, tell him you have lost attraction and seek an amicable divorce. Do not penalize him either with finances or the children but make it as equitable and clean as possible. Do not start something with anyone else until you finish that business. If your husband 180s you & mans up during the process (not all men do but a number will) and you recover some attraction due to his strong behavior, recognize he may not want to get back with you. It is a chance you take.

Always be HONEST with yourself and your husband.

(And I hate to feel like I need to say it, but one look at the CWI forum says otherwise: do not cheat or have an affair!)


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## bluegirl87 (Apr 20, 2013)

Dear Convection - thank you so much for taking the time to respond with such good questions to ask myself. My history has so much to it with regard to my marriage and previous marriage, that I wouldnt know where to begin with explaining. But I am really not liking my thoughts lately and my behaviors. I am obsessing over all of this, crying and moody, and having really bad thoughts about a feeling of complete and total hopelessness. It's really kind of scaring me because on the outside I appear happy and I work out a lot (the one place I think of nothing else but working out), but inside I am truly dying. I really really do not trust myself anymore though. I know logically that I am depressed and I do take anti-depressants, but very light. No one on this earth knows any of this which only further alienates my feelings and thoughts and is create a feeling of hopelessness and thinking bad things. I really don't know what to do but I think the first place is to go to church this morning perhaps but I know I will just cry cry cry at church.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

So....you married for money and security, thinking you would grow to love him. You didn't. Does he know how you feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Despite whatever medication you are on, you still sound depressed. Get yourself into counseling now, before you let this build and do something you regret.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

bluegirl87 said:


> What do you do if you realize you married the wrong guy. You married the rather nerdy guy who is a great provider, a great father, kind hearted, would do anything for you and his family, yet you are not attracted anymore at all to him, his manner of speech, the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he looks, and this just hit you like a ton of bricks. What do you do? How in the heck do you handle this? I honestly wish I could have a lobotomy so that my brain doesn't even think this anymore, it's awful!!!


You hook up with an exciting alpha guy who (1) won't love you (he'll lie and say he does, but you'll just be his toy), (2) won't love your kids, (3) won't have any money, (3) won't be nice to you, and (4) won't lift a finger to help you out of a jam. But hey, he'll be exciting.

or...

Buy your husband a copy of the book _No More Mr. Nice Guy_ by Glover No More Mr. Nice Guy!: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books. Your husband is the typical nice guy described in the book, and you are acting like the typical nice guy's wife (also described in the book). 

Also, have him go over to the forum and post a thread. He'll get plenty of good advice. No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin

You play three roles in your marriage: wife, mother, and woman.


The wife needs him to be a husband
The mother needs him to be a father
The woman needs him to be a man

Your husband has focused so much on doing a good job on #1 and #2 (husband and father), that he has forgotten about his #3 role (being a man). Typical; a lot of husbands do this. It's not the end of the world. 

Hand him the book; direct him to the forum. Tell him you love him and that he's a great husband and dad, but you need him to step up to his man role. You need him to become a complete person (husband, father, and man) so that you can also be a complete person (wife, mother, and woman).

Your marriage problems are easily fixable (if you don't go and do something STUPID like getting involved with another man).


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## bluegirl87 (Apr 20, 2013)

I absolutely did not marry for security and money. I was separated for probably the 4th time from my first husband. We had 2 beautiful little boys that were ages 5 and 7 at the time. Started working somewhere and got friendly with a single guy (again I was truly separated) who was just a friend. He is 10 years younger than me. There were days I felt more than friendship with him, you know, felt understood and all that crap, and then there were days I felt like oh my God, what are you doing, get the hell out of this. Well, one thing led to another, we had passionate sex (like it always is in the beginning) and I got pregnant. The utter devastation that I felt and horror was unimaginable. Fast forward, nine month pregnancy, telling my "legal" husband that I am pregnant but I want to work it out with him. (WTF). First husband agrees and lets me move in pregnant. Lasted a little while and then said this ain't gonna work, so I moved in with my boyfriend with my 2 kids and a dog to his townhouse, shared custody with my first husband, pain unimaginable for all of us but put on a happy face. 

Then having the baby and being so terrified of this new life, I actually went back to my first husband with the baby and said maybe we can work it out. He agreed to try but within about 2 days we knew this was futile. Moved back in with my current husband and have been together since. That was 13 years ago when all of this went down. 

So I'm with this man totally aware that I just had the most F'ed up start to this whole thing. However, again, he is 10 years younger, and was just starting out with his career and aspirations. I was the dutiful wife being the absolute best mother I could possibly be and let him do his thing. I was in a huge 4 br home with my first husband and went back to my new man in a townhouse and him making $25/K a year. So no, there was no reason security/money other than I thought I must love him because I went back and forth with him so there must be something there. And the least I can do is get my act together and some stability for the kids.

So I stayed and we eventually bought a smaller 4 br single home, his career has gone upwards and he is making excellent money (not rich but comfortable). But where I lost the passion was his unmanliness. Can I honestly say that I feel like I married the geek from high school? You know, the one who is such a great guy and everyone loves him but he just doesn't do it for you? He has a lazy eye, bowed legs, flat feet, he is very unmanly about fixing things, lifting weights (he is skinny), and I just feel like he adores me so much that it is smothering.

Why now? Well, for the first 10 years I think I put my blinders on and said to myself you have got to make this right. Recently started taking a new workout class with a hot instructor. Got a little obsessed thinking about him and private messaging him but that was it. He was married and I quickly realized what an A-S-*# idiot I was being -- hey yeah, have an affair with your Zumba instructor. It wasn't the Zumba instructor that was the issue, it was why was I feeling this way? He was the the result, not the trigger. 

Then I contact my old boyfriend whom I have loved since I was 15 years old. He is in another state, there is no physical affair, just an emotional one. Again he is hundreds of miles away. But we agree that we have loved each other since day one, that we have failed marriages because we were meant to be together. He sends me love songs that speak about our feelings, he tells me he kisses me every night, he says it's only you and I in the universe. 

I start thinking that it's obvious I need to get the heck out of here and get on my own. But now he is disappearing, not answering my texts. Could he be sick? Is he dead? Is he checking out because he's changed his mind? How can one person possibly say all of those things with no reinforcement of getting sex or anything because he is hundreds of miles away, and now disappear? But what do I fear? Moving out, this guy in another state permanently disappears, I leave a perfectly good marriage and stable family life, and I end up on my own, age 50, with very little money and a tiny apartment and I am pretty sure I would literally end my life.

So there it is, that's what is going on in my mind. That is why I am driving to my dad's gravesite today to talk to him and cry my eyes out.

Thank you for listening. This is the only place in this entire universe that I have expressed all of this.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Your a mess, sorry to say. You got pregnant with another man's baby, still tried to go back to your husband, he wouldn't have you so you settled for plan C? Sounds like you've been in denial for 15 years. You've got issues you've NEVER addressed, and just bring with you from relationship to relationship hoping they will eventually go away? Do this guy a favor and divorce him, he sounds like he deserves better than you. Marriage takes work, and you run at the first sign of it.


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## bluegirl87 (Apr 20, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Leave a "perfectly good marriage"??? You've got to be kidding. Please leave your husband and let him find some happiness, someone who loves and appreciates him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluegirl87 (Apr 20, 2013)

for the record, my first husband and I tried and mutually agreed this wouldn't work. he didn't kick me out. I agree I've been in denial, I turned to this forum because I am paralyzed with fear about what to do. I already feel depressed and you're kinda quick to bash me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluegirl87 (Apr 20, 2013)

and I know I. have issues. that's why I'm here spilling my guts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

How do you think your husband would feel if you told him everything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Not here to bash you, just giving you advice on the information you provide. You talk about all these other men coming in and out of your life. BUT, how many times have you sat down and talked to your "husband" about your concerns? Have you given him a chance to address the issues? Sounds like he might be in the dark about all of this as your finding your own way. Unless you want to share more details, you've basically called yourself out with the high school sweetheart, the instructor, etc etc. Is there a time when you've actually talked to your husband, and he didn't respond/address the issues? The ball has always been in your court, was he even invited to the game?


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

You list a lot of shortcomings about your husband. Someone pointed out the truth earlier, but I'll be more blunt:

*He's too good for you; you are not good enough for him*.

Got it? Reread the above sentence till you are saying it in your sleep. Then you'll have it.

Your life was a disaster. He rescued you from that disaster. Now you want to turn your life into a disaster once again.

*He's too good for you; you are not good enough for him*.

I'll repeat my earlier advice about the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book, because it's obvious you are the kind of woman that destroys nice guys. Your ex was obviously a nice guy (let you moved back in after getting pregnant with another man's child for God's sake; he should have kicked you ass to the curb, it would have been better for both of you).

Your husband needs to learn how to quit being a nice guy, otherwise you'll destroy him. IMHO, it's the only chance either of you have.


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## bluegirl87 (Apr 20, 2013)

Wow, thanks. I'm so glad I turned to this forum to be told my ass should be kicked to the curb, my husband is too good for me, my ex-husband was too good for me, and I am not good enough for him. Funny how I have devoted my entire life to trying to make things work out with my first 2 husbands and raised 3 damn good kids through it all. I guess by staying for 13 years with my husband and trying to give everything I could to make it work gets no credit, I am just a piece of **** that deserves nothing. Thank you all for your kind words.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

You are in an affair....and its not the first. What do you expect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

In YOUR posts you've done nothing but blame him for being inferior, or not good enough. No where did I see you accept any of your faults or attempts to repair the relationship. Just open conversations with another man. If you could just put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, and look at this from the other side, maybe you'd see why people are making the comments they are. I'm not sure what you were hoping to get with the responses by agreeing that your husband is a good man, good father, but a geek and not good enough for you anymore compared to an instructor that you don't even know.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Not to mention she is in love with her old bf....always has been. They are soul mates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

bluegirl87 said:


> Wow, thanks. I'm so glad I turned to this forum to be told my ass should be kicked to the curb, my husband is too good for me, my ex-husband was too good for me, and I am not good enough for him. Funny how I have devoted my entire life to trying to make things work out with my first 2 husbands and raised 3 damn good kids through it all. I guess by staying for 13 years with my husband and trying to give everything I could to make it work gets no credit, I am just a piece of **** that deserves nothing. Thank you all for your kind words.


It's because you need a wake up call. Sometimes a hard slap to the face is the only thing that will bring people back to reality. And, you're not living in reality.

The things you describe as "shortcomings" in your husband are not shortcomings at all--they are simply life. You married a human being, and humans are imperfect.

If you dump your husband and move on to another man, you'll eventually have the same problems with him that you have with your current husband.

Stop dreaming about the greener grass on the other side. It's full of weeds, just like your current grass. Your not going to do better than your current husband; he's the best you'll ever end up with, so focus on making your current marriage work.

Focus on making yourself a better wife, and focus on helping your husband be a better husband. Again, I'll recommend the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book by Glover. Buy it, and give it to your husband.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

bluegirl87 said:


> Wow, thanks. I'm so glad I turned to this forum to be told my ass should be kicked to the curb, my husband is too good for me, my ex-husband was too good for me, and I am not good enough for him. Funny how I have devoted my entire life to trying to make things work out with my first 2 husbands and raised 3 damn good kids through it all. I guess by staying for 13 years with my husband and trying to give everything I could to make it work gets no credit, I am just a piece of **** that deserves nothing. Thank you all for your kind words.


Ah with more posts, the veil lifts.

This self-flagellation isn't going to help. I stand by what I said before: you sound depressed. Based on a guess at your age, you may also approaching menopause / mid-life crisis.

You say you have tried everything you can to make it work, but embarked on at least one EA. Those statements are in opposition.

You are not a piece of **** but none of the men in your life deserve this kind of wishy-washy treatment either. Get counseling (and a physician about hormones if you are indeed menopausal), collect yourself, figure out what you want out of life. If it doesn't include your husband, then respect him enough to leave him find someone who will love him. Trying to make these marriages work for the sake of the kids is what got you to here. It's obviously not working, so time to try something else.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Well, there have been some mistakes, and you admit to them, and the beginning of your relationship was not ideal. But the thing that sticks out for me is that your husband deserves someone who is attracted to him and who loves him for who he is. I hope my perhaps soon to be ex husband will find someone who makes him very happy and who is attracted to him and wants to have sex with him. That would make me happy. Even though it will hurt your husband to tell him you want a divorce, it will set him free to find someone else.


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## bluegirl87 (Apr 20, 2013)

Thank you Goldfinch for recognizing that I am the first person to admit my shortcomings. If I was so shallow and cold, I wouldn't be on this blog asking for advice. I have zero self-esteem as a result of my behavior and am afraid to make any changes because I don't trust my own thoughts or decisions. So I will seek counseling and try to get to the bottom of this. I know for sure that I cannot have any EA's because it only muddies the water, but I am human and obviously make mistakes. I know logically that someone else will also have shortcomings that will also get on my nerves, as I have my own shortcomings that bother my husband, that is why I am not so quick to just say I should set him free and get a divorce, maybe I can work on my insides first. I want to get at why I sabotage my marriages or maybe I'm not sabotaging them and just not in the right relationships and need to stop beating myself up about it. Life is hard.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

bluegirl87 said:


> I know logically that someone else will also have shortcomings that will also get on my nerves, as I have my own shortcomings that bother my husband, that is why I am not so quick to just say I should set him free and get a divorce, maybe I can work on my insides first. I want to get at why I sabotage my marriages or maybe I'm not sabotaging them and just not in the right relationships and need to stop beating myself up about it. Life is hard.



I applaud the fact that your finally looking inward, it all starts there, in the mirror. I hope you find the answers you seek, either way it falls. I just hope that if it does not end up working out, that your honest and forthright with him. Cause your about to destroy him for no fault of his own.


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