# What should I do?



## Autumnfawn32

My husband and I had a baby a week ago today. The night before last, he asked if he could go out snowmobiling. I said okay but was irritated due to I had just made dinner and I expected us to all eat together and we hadn't spend any time together the whole day. He said he was going for a quick ride and would be home for dinner. 2.5 hours later I text him asking if he is alright. He said he ended up never going snowmobiling and just went to his dad's to hangout. A couple more hours go by and I send another text, no response. So I call, no answer. Another couple hours go by and I've called and texted a few more times and no response still. I finally got ahold of his step mom to make sure he was okay and she said he was hanging out with some friends and his dad and was fine. Around 2am she texted again saying he was passed out in a chair drunk and no one could wake him to give him a ride home. Mind you, the house was around 60 degrees and I cannot run the coal boiler that heats our home. He came through the door at 5am, started the fire and has been laying on the couch ever since, into the next night. He has not even shown any interest in our newborn baby in almost 48 hours. It is now 8am the next day and he still hasn't said a word to me. What do I do? I NEVER thought he would do something like this. How could you ignore someone's calls and texts like that with a baby under a week old at home? I am lost for words and don't know what to do. He hasn't even said he's sorry. I am absolutely exhausted (2 yo and week old on opposite schedules). And it still makes me question if I'm over reacting. Help 😪😪😪


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## BigDaddyNY

You aren't over reacting. It sounds like he acted very irresponsibly for a dad with a new born baby. You should tell in clearly and calmly how all this made you feel and that it can't happen again, you need his help.

Couple questions. How old and how long have you been married? Is this your first child? Does he have a history of hanging with dad and friends and getting blackout drunk?


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## Autumnfawn32

We have been together for years, only married for 2 months. Yes he just did this same thing less than 2 weeks ago while I was home and pregnant, and he didn't come home until noon the next day while I was up worrying all night 😒 he just can't handle his alcohol but when I ask him to stop I'm the bad guy. He hadn't done it in a few months before that so I was really hoping he would get his **** together once the baby got here. I guess I was wrong 😕 I feel so stupid for thinking he would do better and marrying someone who would do this. Not that I regret having my baby because he's absolutely perfect and I'm beyond blessed in all other aspects of my life other than this. So yes we have had this talk before. I feel like it's so useless to have the talk again, he seems like he doesn't feel bad or even care. I'm not one to stick around when I feel so disrespected I'm a lot stronger than that but it's so hard with a newborn baby I don't want to make any irrational decisions


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## Mr.Married

You have been together for years and already knew he was like this. So why did you make the bad decision to marry him much less have a child with him????


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## Autumnfawn32

Autumnfawn32 said:


> We have been together for years, only married for 2 months. Yes he just did this same thing less than 2 weeks ago while I was home and pregnant, and he didn't come home until noon the next day while I was up worrying all night 😒 he just can't handle his alcohol but when I ask him to stop I'm the bad guy. He hadn't done it in a few months before that so I was really hoping he would get his **** together once the baby got here. I guess I was wrong 😕 I feel so stupid for thinking he would do better and marrying someone who would do this. Not that I regret having my baby because he's absolutely perfect and I'm beyond blessed in all other aspects of my life other than this. So yes we have had this talk before. I feel like it's so useless to have the talk again, he seems like he doesn't feel bad or even care. I'm not one to stick around when I feel so disrespected I'm a lot stronger than that but it's so hard with a newborn baby I don't want to make any irrational decisions


I am 24, he is 27


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## Autumnfawn32

He didn't do this before I was pregnant.


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## chazmataz33

Sometimes we make unwise decisions when emotional and just hope they work out and later kick ourselves in the axx when they don't.l am a recovered alcoholic(34 years) and put my wife through heck when we were married. after 7 years she finally wised up to all my shenanigans and gave me an ultimatum, if you dont stop drinking me and the kids are leaving! My response?? Need help packing?? You see sometime people with drinking problems i e alcoholics just make decisions that regular folks just
cant understand or make sense of.


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## Talker67

Autumnfawn32 said:


> . Mind you, the house was around 60 degrees *and I cannot run the coal boiler that heats our home*. He came through the door at 5am, started the fire and has been laying on the couch ever since, into the next night. He has not even shown any interest in our newborn baby in almost 48 hours. It is now 8am the next day and he still hasn't said a word to me. What do I do? I NEVER thought he would do something like this. How could you ignore someone's calls and texts like that with a baby under a week old at home? I am lost for words and don't know what to do. He hasn't even said he's sorry. I am absolutely exhausted (2 yo and week old on opposite schedules). And it still makes me question if I'm over reacting. Help 😪😪😪


sounds like a major mistake on your part, since it is like winter and all.

put on your big girl pants and have him teach you how to load coal into the boiler. it is easy. just remember to make sure there is water in the boiler (there is a sight glass). there might be other quirks of your system, like getting rid of clinkers, etc.
i used to fill my parents coal boiler when i was ten years old. You have to be smarter than a ten year old


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## theloveofmylife

Talker67 said:


> You have to be smarter than a ten year old


Wow, really?

While yes, she should learn to heat her home that does not excuse her husband's bad behavior.


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## Talker67

yes here hubby was being a jerk. and she had a newborn.
but i am not in the "oh women are delicate violets and need to be pampered" camp. 
If it is a life critical function of the house, learn it. 
What if hubby got hit by a truck and was in the hospital for two weeks?


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## Mr.Married

Autumnfawn32 said:


> He didn't do this before I was pregnant.


That’s exactly the opposite of what you said in your opening statement. I agree you are in a bad position but you kind of put yourself in it.


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## Young at Heart

It is time for a family intervention. He needs to grow up, realize he is a father, join AA, go with his wife to marriage counseling, and get on with his life. That should be the focal point of the family intervention.


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## Anastasia6

Talker67 said:


> yes here hubby was being a jerk. and she had a newborn.
> but i am not in the "oh women are delicate violets and need to be pampered" camp.
> If it is a life critical function of the house, learn it.
> What if hubby got hit by a truck and was in the hospital for two weeks?


So women may not be delicate flowers but you realize she literally just gave birth to a new born. She should be resting and recuperating.

What if hubby got hit. Well it would suck, her life would suck. But why does she have to live TODAY like her husband got hit by a truck when he's just a drunk jerk.


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## Anastasia6

Autumnfawn32 said:


> We have been together for years, only married for 2 months. Yes he just did this same thing less than 2 weeks ago while I was home and pregnant, and he didn't come home until noon the next day while I was up worrying all night 😒 he just can't handle his alcohol but when I ask him to stop I'm the bad guy. He hadn't done it in a few months before that so I was really hoping he would get his **** together once the baby got here. I guess I was wrong 😕 I feel so stupid for thinking he would do better and marrying someone who would do this. Not that I regret having my baby because he's absolutely perfect and I'm beyond blessed in all other aspects of my life other than this. So yes we have had this talk before. I feel like it's so useless to have the talk again, he seems like he doesn't feel bad or even care. I'm not one to stick around when I feel so disrespected I'm a lot stronger than that but it's so hard with a newborn baby I don't want to make any irrational decisions


Listen I'm sorry he's gone off the rails. If this is an on going pattern that has already been discussed and it is only getting worse then no sense talking it to death. I'm glad to hear you are stronger than putting up with this nonsense.

Do you have family or some other support system. I'd take the kids and go there and start the divorce. If he's been this way for years and the baby is making him worse then it isn't going to get better.

It seems his family enables him. Who encourages their son to come over get drunk and stay over night when they have a newborn at home? This sounds like a whole family of less than respectful people.

If you don't have a support system then start getting together an escape plan. See a lawyer find out about money and such. Give yourself time to heal. Set aside money if you have some. 

If this is relatively new behavior or you haven't made it plain that this is a deal breaker in a calm discussion not some blow out argument that that conversation needs to be had. 

Wishing he would change is never good. Change only happens when a person wants the change themselves.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You may also want to seek support in another forum as this one already seems to have some fairly insensitive responses.


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## Anastasia6

Young at Heart said:


> It is time for a family intervention. He needs to grow up, realize he is a father, join AA, go with his wife to marriage counseling, and get on with his life. That should be the focal point of the family intervention.


Not sure this family is the intervention type. They had him over, let him drink, refused to wake him up and it isn't the first time. I can't in my life imagine a 'good' family that encourages this when the baby is 1 week old. It is unfathomable where I come from and I know some pretty ****ty people even related to some of them. NONE would do this.


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## Anastasia6

OP. Do you have track your husbands phone on family plan or what have you. I just realized by your story you really have no idea if he was at the family's house or if they were just covering for him.

Many husbands use pregnancy and new baby to have an affair. They have all their wonderful excuses like you haven't had sex in a while. You are focused on the baby and all that.

So has he been distracted lately? Does he guard his phone? do you have a phone locator on his phone? Does his family like you?


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## She'sStillGotIt

How NICE it must be to just run off and play for hours - without worrying at ALL about when to come back - because the GROWNUP at home is responsible enough to stay and care for the baby that apparently isn't his responsibility. You married an irresponsible ass-hole with the emotional maturity of an 18 year old.

The idiot gets drunk and just leaves you and a NEWBORN all alone in a cold house all night. What a complete and utter POS. On top of *THAT* unacceptable behavior, he's been acting like the baby isn't even a part of his life for the last couple of days, and has been ignoring you as well. Worse, he just did this a few weeks ago.

What on *earth* do you see in this worthless degenerate?

I'd be re-thinking my bad decision on marrying this fool, infant child or not.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

chazmataz33 said:


> Sometimes we make unwise decisions when emotional and just hope they work out and later kick ourselves in the axx when they don't.l am a recovered alcoholic(34 years) and put my wife through heck when we were married. after 7 years she finally wised up to all my shenanigans and gave me an ultimatum, if you dont stop drinking me and the kids are leaving! My response?? Need help packing?? You see sometime people with drinking problems i e alcoholics just make decisions that regular folks just
> cant understand or make sense of.


I could not have said this any better.... When you have an addiction, its the addiction that has taken over your body. It is not you that is interacting with friends and family. 

Once you break that addiction, your old self returns. You then realize how absolutely stupid you were and frantically work on repairing the damage.


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## TexasMom1216

Is this the first time he's done something like this since the baby was born?

If this is out of character for him, maybe he just had a slip. Having a baby is a huge life change for him too, he could be freaking out on the inside and didn't know how to express it. I don't know that I'd start packing just yet, but you do need to communicate clearly (and maturely, not like a mom nagging or anything like that) that he really scared you and to please not do that again. If it does happen again, and he knows it upsets you because you told him, then I think you have a real problem and you should start thinking about how you're going to raise this child on your own.

Also, learn how to start the heater. You're not a child. This wilting flower nonsense is all very "Rapunzel" and stuff, but you have a baby to care for and you're a grown woman. He's your husband, not your daddy.


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## thunderchad

Autumnfawn32 said:


> He didn't do this before I was pregnant


Was the pregnancy planned or an accident?


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## thunderchad

The reason I ask is it is clear he doesn't want to be a father. 

Someone who truly cares about you and their child would not exhibit behavior like thus.

Honestly he sounds like a man child that accidentally knocked you up and then had a shotgun wedding to appease people. He doesn't want to be married and he doesn't want to be a dad. Stop doing anything for him until he mans up and acts like the husband you deserve.


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## BeyondRepair007

thunderchad said:


> The reason I ask is it is clear he doesn't want to be a father.
> 
> Someone who truly cares about you and their child would not exhibit behavior like thus.
> 
> Honestly he sounds like a man child that accidentally knocked you up and then had a shotgun wedding to appease people. He doesn't want to be married and he doesn't want to be a dad. Stop doing anything for him until he mans up and acts like the husband you deserve.


This was my first thought as well...he doesn't want to be a daddy. Or is terrified of it.



Autumnfawn32 said:


> He hadn't done it in a few months before that so I was really hoping he would get his **** together once the baby got here. I guess I was wrong 😕 I feel so stupid for thinking he would do better and marrying someone who would do this.


But this ^^^ changes things. It's a pattern of behavior with him. 
OP married a broken dude hoping to fix him. That's really not gonna work.

@Autumnfawn32 I suggest going the ultimatum route and also counseling; tell him what you expect of him as hubby and hold him accountable.
I doubt he will go for it and you'll have to take the steps to get out of your bad situation.

Do this now. Your pain will only get worse the longer you wait.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but take the lesson.
You can't fix people. See who people are and decide if that's ok for you or not.


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## Blondilocks

They already have a two-year old who he also didn't care if the child froze to death.

OP, admit you chose poorly for a guy to father your children and ditch the loser. He doesn't care about any of you.


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## In Absentia

Not a great behaviour... maybe he feels trapped and he is getting drunk. I've done that myself occasionally during the bad times.


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## SunCMars

The guy is 27, not 17.

He is regressing.

Divorce him before he acts even more younger.


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## SunCMars

I agree, alcohol destroys a person.
If he is also a certified alcoholic, than more the reason to divorce him.

It will be years before he escapes that monkey on his back (if ever).

At 24, you are young, and you have time to find a better man and re-marry, but that is not the immediate and long-term problem.

The problem is him and his actions.
He cannot be trusted to do the right thing.

Can you move in with your folks and then get your divorce?


_L-_


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## Inside_Looking_Out

You can not beg him to grow up.
You can not cajole him into being a better father.
You can not strong-arm him into giving a flip.

You CAN decide what YOU will and will not live with. 

Its time to ask yourself, what standards and values do you require in a relationship for you to be happy?

If you decide that his behavior is not acceptable, you need to clearly tell him. If he does it again, and you stay in the relationship, you can only be angry at yourself for teaching him how to treat you.


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## Rus47

Autumnfawn32 said:


> What do I do? I NEVER thought he would do something like this. How could you ignore someone's calls and texts like that with a baby under a week old at home? I am lost for words and don't know what to do. He hasn't even said he's sorry. I am absolutely exhausted (2 yo and week old on opposite schedules). And it still makes me question if I'm over reacting. Help 😪😪😪


This is horrible! Your husband's behavior is inexcusable. And your MIL and FIL behavior is inexcusable. If he were my son I would be reading him the riot act. Do you have family close? You need someone reliable to help you and your babies.


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## aine

You need some TLC. pack yourself and the kids and go home to your mother for a while. in the meantime contact a lawyer to see what your options are. Tell H if he doesn’t get his **** together you are filing and he’s in for child and spousal support. This site is full of men-children who need a good slap up the side of their head. Your H is one of them. You let this slide, this will be your life going forward, nip in the bud now.


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