# I've done something horrible, I need help please!



## angeldolphin (Nov 13, 2008)

My husband and I have been married since January 2008, we have one 2 year old son together. Marriage has been rough, we had a small courthouse wedding and then a couple days later we moved to Florida to live with his mother and her husband because we were in such bad financial trouble. Everything in the house isnt ours, we struggle trying to find some time to be alone, my husbands mom and step dad smoke and drink in the house all day, and Im so sick of it. Everything we own is in a storage unit. I work part time, husband works full time, our son stays home most often with the mother in law, and all she does is let him watch movies, no one ever takes him outside, or for a walk, or reads to him. I do everything. I say I want to go out on a weekend and do something fun: my husbands idea is to go to a nearby mall to walk around for a couple hours and come back so our son can take his nap. We sometimes go days without hugging, kissing, talking, and somtimes up to a month without having sex! 

Anyways, to make a long story short: Im not happy. My husband never tells me I am beautiful, we never talk, we dont do anything together because we are always working. He is always too tired on the weekends to spend time with us actualy doing something fun. And I have done something horrible: I cheated on him recently with a man I know from work. I cant live with the fact that I did this to him. I want to tell him, but I cant do it in person. I just cant. I will be fine with the fact if he wants to never see me again: I totally deserve it. I feel like in order for us to go on with our lives and to ever be happy, that we need to get away from each other, either by immediate seperation or divorce. I need some advice on what to say. I plan on emailig him telling him all about it so it will give him some time to calm down. I am currently 2500 miles away visiting family.....PLEASE HELP!!!!!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

angeldolphin said:


> Anyways, to make a long story short: Im not happy. My husband never tells me I am beautiful, we never talk, we dont do anything together because we are always working. He is always too tired on the weekends to spend time with us actualy doing something fun. And I have done something horrible: I cheated on him recently with a man I know from work. I cant live with the fact that I did this to him. I want to tell him, but I cant do it in person. I just cant. I will be fine with the fact if he wants to never see me again: I totally deserve it. I feel like in order for us to go on with our lives and to ever be happy, that we need to get away from each other, either by immediate seperation or divorce. I need some advice on what to say. I plan on emailig him telling him all about it so it will give him some time to calm down. I am currently 2500 miles away visiting family.....PLEASE HELP!!!!!


what to say...

i violated the sanctity of our marriage with a guy from work....

no, that's not gonna work for you

uh, honey, remember that survey that indicated that 30 percent of women commit adultery...well.....

nope, that won't do it

how about telling him the reasons you might need more out of the marriage...

living at his parents...

no time together...

you don't tell me i'm beautiful...

i'm the guy who says honesty is the best policy, but i can't be as honest with you right now as i'd like to be. you are in a fragile state, i think. you need to stop "being with" someone other than your husband. you'll hate who you become.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

angeldolphin said:


> we need to get away from each other, either by immediate seperation or divorce.


do you want an immediate separation b/c you're afraid of the aftermath of telling him? b/c if you're so sorry for what you have done, and you're afraid to tell him, then it sounds like you still might love him. you just dont particularly love the situation.


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## Franklin Tank (Oct 18, 2010)

In this situation i would ask myself if i loved my spouse if the answer is yes and i know for fact AND I MEAN FACT that i will never ever ever do it again i would not tell my spouse. I would work hard to make the relationship work starting with remembering the first day you met him. Become friends with him again. Then fall in love again. Not all of our living situations are good but remember that the harder the situation or problem the stronger your bond will be with your spouse in the end when everything is better no matter how long it takes.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Why do I get the funny feeling she is going to do it again?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

At least she didn't start this one with the old "He's a wonderful guy and I desperately don't want to lose him..."
3 pages later, he's the biggest a**hole on the planet and she hates his guts because he'll never be as great as the OM and he's just this big jerk that's standing in the way of her true happiness.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Anyways, to make a long story short: Im not happy. My husband never tells me I am beautiful, we never talk, we dont do anything together because we are always working. He is always too tired on the weekends to spend time with us actualy doing something fun. And I have done something horrible: I cheated on him recently with a man I know from work. I cant live with the fact that I did this to him. I want to tell him, but I cant do it in person. I just cant. I will be fine with the fact if he wants to never see me again: I totally deserve it. I feel like in order for us to go on with our lives and to ever be happy, that we need to get away from each other, either by immediate seperation or divorce. I need some advice on what to say. I plan on emailig him telling him all about it so it will give him some time to calm down. I am currently 2500 miles away visiting family...


Things to consider:

1) A marriage that runs on a lie is doomed - at some point, either the truth will come out (and the resulting pain multiplied in proportion to the amount of time that has passed) - or resentment will build until the marriage fails. Your spouse may not know WHAT happened, but the WILL know that you are withholding information, and they will resent it.

2) You have stated a number of needs that, if they were met by your husband, would most likely greatly reduce the possibility of infidelity. ("...Im not happy. My husband never tells me I am beautiful, we never talk, we dont do anything together because we are always working. He is always too tired on the weekends to spend time with us actualy doing something fun....") Keep those in mind - they _will_ need to be discussed in detail. 

3) You are misusing the word "can't" ("...I *cant* live with the fact that I did this to him. I want to tell him, but I *cant* do it in person. I just *cant*...") The real word here is "won't" - and this is important. If you want to make some positive changes in your life, you will need to take charge of it. The word "can't" means that you are a victim, that everything around you controls you. Using the word "won't" _empowers_ you. SO think of your statements above as "...I won't live with the fact that I did this to him. I want to tell him, but I won't do it in person. I just won't..." Sure you CAN do it - you just don't want to! Admitting this gives you an inkling of the strength you have, of which you are unaware.

4) What to say: My advice is be absolutely honest with him. Tell him what you did. Make no excuses for it, just straight facts. Ask for his forgiveness, and allow him the time to process the information. My guess is that since he is living with his parents still, that he hasn't actually grasped the concept that YOU and HE are his family now, and so he is most likely unaware of how badly the situation in which you two live is affecting you.

You have work to do. 

Finally, on one last quote of yours:



> I feel like in order for us to go on with our lives and to ever be happy, that we need to get away from each other, either by immediate seperation or divorce.


I suspect that this may not be what you actually think - at least, not entirely. My guess is what you really want is for you and he to have your OWN place to live, out of the trap with his family - and that you have convinced yourself that ending the marriage is the only solution. It isn't. Remember: it's not that you "can't" leave this situation; it is that old "won't" working again. Trust me, if he plans on loving you, he'll get it through his head at some point.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

just a reminder that this thread is 2 years old...


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

oh lol...well...never mind....


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Chris H. said:


> just a reminder that this thread is 2 years old...



LOL!!!!!! I didn't notice it either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Thanx, Chris- and there was 2008 staring at me!


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