# How would you feel?



## Shanta (Sep 9, 2018)

How would you feel about your spouse constantly checking your phone records and emails all the time without your permission?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Annoyed. If a conversation about it doesn't resolve things, I'd start doing the same to them, and consider leaving them if it didn't stop. I'd also password protect my phone and other devices if it didn't stop.


----------



## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Shanta said:


> How would you feel about your spouse constantly checking your phone records and emails all the time without your permission?


I would feel that something is not right in the relationship. For some reason he has no trust.

How long has this been going on?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I’d be tempted to use that knowledge to set the spouse up. Would work better if the spouse didn’t know you knew.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Annoyed.


----------



## Shanta (Sep 9, 2018)

It’s been going on for as long as we been dating. In the beginning, he did see a message of me talking to a ex, and I fixed that as soon as he brought that to my attention. At that point he had already had my passcode to my phone. But me not having anything to hide, I never changed my passcode. But never new he had access to my email. To make a long story short. He has went through all my old phones and messengers. At this point this man knows just about everything about me. And he doesn’t have a issue with constantly telling me, he knows everything. This pisses me off, because he totally invaded my privacy. As humans, we pick and choose the things we want to share with one another. Therefore, don’t take it upon yourself to invade someone privacy, then say this doesn’t change how I feel about you. I just wanted to know, so I don’t make the same mistakes your ex made. That’s complete bs. In the back of your head you going to always be worried about what that person is doing when you have a little spat..


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

There was a issue at one time you corrected it and how long have you been dating? But if it's this already it is going to spillover into the future. Because if he's so insecure now just wait. You may want to rethink this relationship.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Seems like the guy is a jerk, with or without checking up on your stuff.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do you have equal access to his phone? If not, you should.


----------



## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> Annoyed. If a conversation about it doesn't resolve things, I'd start doing the same to them, and consider leaving them if it didn't stop. I'd also password protect my phone and other devices if it didn't stop.


This this this.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, @Shanta, if there's no reason for him to be suspicious, then there's no reason for him to spy on you, right?

I think that maybe you should consider this method of dealing with him:-


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Shanta said:


> … never new he had access to my email. To make a long story short. He has went through all my old phones and messengers. At this point this man knows just about everything about me. And he doesn’t have a issue with constantly telling me, he knows everything. This pisses me off, because he totally invaded my privacy.


And you're staying with Mr. Nosey Snoop because???


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I’d be beyond pissed. Some of my online activity is just for me to know about, like this site for example. I would have trouble trusting him at all.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I did snoop on my husband when were dating. Turned out that everything that I thought was true was. that is, he had an inappropriate "friendship" with another woman. That's what he called it. But with that info, I was able to say, yes, but you try her like a girlfriend. And then he cleaned up his act.

I thought fair was fair. I leave my phone around. He can use / access it when he wants to and the same for many of my accounts online. does your boyfriend give you similar access to show that he has balanced attitude towards transparency. 

If not something is wrong. I did want access to his phone for about a year. I didn't know how to download info from it but I wanted to get an idea of what kind of person this woman was and well, how deep that relationship was. she was very different from me. 

Ask your boyfriend what are his fears and then decide whether you want to deal with this. I've dealt with jealousy and controlling behavior and it's not nice. whether the guy is aware of what he is doing, when people see a guy hovering over, they will run and you will not be able to make and maintain relationships. That was when I was in my 20s. For someone reason I thought it was my jobe to make these guys feel safe. 

What you need to do is decide what kind of freedom do you want and does this guy let you have it. 

I remember one trick that I fell prey to was being asked where I was going and what time would I be home. Yes, I would disclose this information. But then I get a cell 10 minutes after my estimated time of arrival. Now mind you, I don't think it's unusual to want to go to the bathroom or some other ritual to decompress and before you take phone calls. Well, if I don't answer that phone the first time I call, I get all sorts of obscene remarks ie Who you ****ing now? and so on.

then I'm told I was so worried about you. You could have been in a ditch somewhere. When someone "cares" too much, just insert "control" and think about it.

It was not until years later that I realized these two guys were creating a "contract" with me. If I tell them what time I plan to be home, then I have made a promise to them that I can't break. If that's the way he acts, then you need to get of him.

One guy I was dating thought that he was being generous by saying, well you could stop to call me and tell me that you're going to be late. This was before cellphones. At least in real time I told that guy, do you know how many payphones by the road actually work. Do you know how many people get abducted or shot at in the parking lot of a 7 - 11. Some people don't think before they speak.

You need to decide your own cut off point with this guy.


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Two things. This isn't going to get any better when you marry/commit to a long term relationship. He's suspicious and a wee bit paranoid. Know that now before getting any deeper into this relationship. Do NOT think it will get better with time. Many of us have made that very mistake.

And secondly, I often find the people displaying this type of behaviour are the trouble makers themselves. I have to ask, do you have unfettered access to his phone? All of his apps?
If not, you have a problem on your hands.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Shanta said:


> It’s been going on for as long as we been dating. In the beginning, he did see a message of me talking to a ex, and I fixed that as soon as he brought that to my attention. At that point he had already had my passcode to my phone. But me not having anything to hide, I never changed my passcode. But never new he had access to my email. To make a long story short. He has went through all my old phones and messengers. At this point this man knows just about everything about me. And he doesn’t have a issue with constantly telling me, he knows everything. This pisses me off, because he totally invaded my privacy. As humans, we pick and choose the things we want to share with one another. Therefore, don’t take it upon yourself to invade someone privacy, then say this doesn’t change how I feel about you. I just wanted to know, so I don’t make the same mistakes your ex made. That’s complete bs. In the back of your head you going to always be worried about what that person is doing when you have a little spat..


That's weird. I would find it a little creepy if a girlfriend did that to me. Maybe a lot creepy...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Whenever somebody expects you to manage their anxieties for them, you’re in a world of trouble. 

My advice is to cut him off from access to anything. If he can’t deal with that, he’s welcome to leave. 

Caveat here is if some shenanigans are actually going on of course.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Shanta said:


> I just wanted to know, so I don’t make the same mistakes your ex made.


Your BF (or whatever he is) said that to you? What mistakes did your ex make?

Regardless, this guy has issues and chances are it won't get any better. Why are you even putting up with this?

I absolutely would not be okay with, or put up with, someone I was dating going through my stuff like that and acting like that. 

My wife and I have full access to almost everything of each others, but that was mutually agreed upon. There shouldn't be secrets, imo, so everything is open but we also don't go looking all the time.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

When someone shows you (through their actions) who they are - believe them!


----------



## Shanta (Sep 9, 2018)

@MattMatt that’s to funny! You speaking my thoughts..


----------



## Shanta (Sep 9, 2018)

Thank you everyone for the feedbacks. This definitely gave me something to think about..


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Seriously, why the hell are you staying with this man? Care to answer THAT???


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Shanta said:


> It’s been going on for as long as we been dating. In the beginning, he did see a message of me talking to a ex, and I fixed that as soon as he brought that to my attention. At that point he had already had my passcode to my phone. But me not having anything to hide, I never changed my passcode. But never new he had access to my email. To make a long story short. He has went through all my old phones and messengers. At this point this man knows just about everything about me. And he doesn’t have a issue with constantly telling me, he knows everything. This pisses me off, because he totally invaded my privacy. As humans, we pick and choose the things we want to share with one another. Therefore, don’t take it upon yourself to invade someone privacy, then say this doesn’t change how I feel about you. I just wanted to know, so I don’t make the same mistakes your ex made. That’s complete bs. In the back of your head you going to always be worried about what that person is doing when you have a little spat..


You're only dating and he's already doing this? Oh my...nope.

My husband can look at my phone/email any time he likes, but my boyfriend? Hell no! A boyfriend is not a husband and doesn't get the same privileges imo.

If my husband felt he had to go looking through my messages, I'd be quite devastated that he'd think I'd be up to something to be honest.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I expect he lost trust in you when he found you conversing with your ex. Depending on what he found at that point, and whether you initially denied it, could have a bearing on his behavior. If the story is exactly as you say then I'd say he has some serious baggage and it might be better just to move on. If there was more to the "conversing with the ex" then he should probably move on. End result is the same.


----------



## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

The same way she'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Ticked off.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I expect he lost trust in you when he found you conversing with your ex. Depending on what he found at that point, and whether you initially denied it, could have a bearing on his behavior. If the story is exactly as you say then I'd say he has some serious baggage and it might be better just to move on. If there was more to the "conversing with the ex" then he should probably move on. End result is the same.


yeah, the denials are really annoying and engender more distrust.


----------

