# Can you ever negotiate reconciliation after infidelity?



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I've come to my own conclusion on this which is a resounding no. Personally, unless my wife pretty much falls to the floor begging forgiveness and puts in the actions to back her words then I just don't see how its salvageable.

My wife's point of view is that yes what she did was totally wrong and her fault but it happened for a reason. She is wary of committing to us in case I revert to the way I used to be. She says that we could still be a family and even stronger than we used to. She says she "adores" the OM and is in-love with him but that she LOVES me. She says her family is more important and that its me she wants to grow old with.

Just wondered if anyone has negotiated and regretted it or if there is a genuine place for 'adult reasoning'?


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"She says she "adores" the OM and is in-love with him."- I can't live with that statement.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can't allow the 3 some---she can not have contact, with other man---and it is her thoughts of him, that now stand in the way of your mge.

If she loves him tell him you will cut her loose so she can be with him----as in D. is on the table

Problem is she can tell you anything---you can't control her thinking


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Omg !!!!!!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OMG!!!!


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I have an issue with her saying she adores the other man. You are all at a place where she needs to make a choice. My ex told me I wasn't as important to him as the OW was, so I asked where I needed to sign on the divorce papers. Now we are renegotiating a possible reconciling, but she is still in the picture and I've made it very plain that she needs to get OUT of the picture in order for anything positive to happen. Read up on infidelity and how the OW/OM becomes like an addiction to the cheater. It's interesting. I sent him some links about it, which I think he got testy about, but it is what it is.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

LOL - just to be clear, I am into the final stages of divorce and have been separated since mid Feb. The things she says are ridiculous and to my mind are a non starter.

But a couple of you said dump the OM, which implies negotiation, ie if you she gets rid of him then we might have a chance. I've actually told my wife that just getting rid or the OM isn't enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Bloody hell. Best wishes Indy mate


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

What she said to you about the OM and her "live" for you and family is disgusting.

She's not in you romantically but enjoys her "role" being cared for as part of your family.

And I suppose she's enthralled with screwing the OM?

Bloody hell is right!

Toss to curb time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

michzz said:


> Toss to curb time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Couldnt have cut right to the chase any better than this.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That is an awfully strange reaction on her part. What is she? 16?


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## AnAvgDude (Jun 20, 2011)

Reconciliation WITHOUT OM in the picture is already a challenge, but R WITH the OM around is impossible.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Indy-
Your heading in the right direction don't let her BS fog babble get in the way.
Stick to the plan and until she can drop to her knees and throw the OM to the curb she is trying to cake eat.

For me any way there was no quesstion "him or me" second is my wife had to meet my terms.

My R is going good and Mrs. the guy has done the heavy lifting in order for me to heal. In my opinion if I didn't get the submission that I neede from her ..well forget about it.

So no there is no negotation there are terms that must be met by the DS that the LS has set up for them to allow the DS to come back.

See for me its not about my W taking me back, its about me taking her back.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Yeah, that's where her problem lies, she thinks this is about her deciding if she wants to come back.

She said she phoned the OM and told him she couldn't see him anymore because she felt too guilty. She said she would give him up but when I asked her just exactly how she was going to do that she said "I just have to" 

*sigh*

Last chance saloon is now closed!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Indy---am sorry in my post the 2nd para.---the 2nd him should have been her

There must/can be NO thoughts of him whatsoever---otherwise there is no mge., there is just roommates---or in many cases she is staying cuz she KNOWS she cannot make it in the big bad world on her own---so she will do what is necessary to keep you bankrolling her lifestyle

That's what is sad about all of this---cheaters know that for the most part their lover can NEVER come anywhere close to fulfilling ALL of their needs, yet they just have to wreck so many lives in finding out that FANTASY AIN'T REALITY---their lover for the most part is beneath giving them a good home, or their lover would never actually ruin their own life to take care of the A. partner---in this case your wife

Who knows what a cheater thinks?????


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> I've come to my own conclusion on this which is a resounding no. Personally, unless my wife pretty much falls to the floor begging forgiveness and puts in the actions to back her words then I just don't see how its salvageable.
> 
> *My wife's point of view is that yes what she did was totally wrong and her fault but it happened for a reason.* She is wary of committing to us in case I revert to the way I used to be. She says that we could still be a family and even stronger than we used to. She says she "adores" the OM and is in-love with him but that she LOVES me. She says her family is more important and that its me she wants to grow old with.
> 
> Just wondered if anyone has negotiated and regretted it or if there is a genuine place for 'adult reasoning'?


"My wife's point of view is that yes what she did was totally wrong and her fault but it happened for a reason." Translation: Her reason was to have her fun and orgasmic sex with another man while putting you through HELL! Soo, my question is, why are you still with _this_? PLEASE don't say it's because you still love her, she apparently doesn't love you to have put you through this HELL! Ok, you're Divorcing her? Keep moving on with the Divorce!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

AnAvgDude said:


> Reconciliation WITHOUT OM in the picture is already a challenge, but R WITH the OM around is impossible.



That's it in a nutshell! :iagree:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> Yeah, that's where her problem lies, she thinks this is about her deciding if she wants to come back.


And this is where she fails.


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## The Nurturer (Jun 27, 2011)

There is a saying, if you Love two ppl than the best choice is the second person because you couldnt or didnt love the first person enough in order to fall for someone else. I wouldnt be able to live with my husband if he told me he was in love with someone else. That would mean that the chances of them cheating again are high, when he is with me he will be thinking of her and even fantasizing of her whenever we do anything together. Those are definitely words that pierce through the heart. Lastly, your trust is shot for her. Dont make yourself believe that it's going to work unless she is putting an effort and you are as well.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Her answer "I just have to", was the answer of a selfish woman---she didn't say I love my H., I have hurt him, and my family terribly, I want to do everything I can to try and have a mge., if my H. will have me---which is what a selfless, remorseful, contrite, spouse would say--

---no she says i have to---like she is gonna be punished, if she doesn't return to the mge.---Like I said before---she will do whatever she has to, to keep you bankrolling her lifestyle----Is that what YOU want?????


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Yeah, the "i have to" really got to me. She could have said a million different things.

She is totally and utterly selfish and can't see past herself. I was reflecting on this the other day and our whole marriage things pretty much revolved around her. I was too easy going to really notice.

I told her the other day that I just didn't like her anymore, didn't love her, wasn't attracted to her anymore and certainly didn't want to be married to her - even if she did give up the OM.

I'm just finding it harder and harder to care. I used to wake up thinking about her and the OM, now I sleep like a baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Indy Nial said:


> Yeah, the "i have to" really got to me. She could have said a million different things.
> 
> She is totally and utterly selfish and can't see past herself. I was reflecting on this the other day and our whole marriage things pretty much revolved around her. I was too easy going to really notice.
> 
> ...


I think this just means that your reality has sunk in and you have finally reached a non-emotional decision about what you want to do. You are divorcing her, and you know that it's the right thing to do. She's not showing any remorse or regret for what she did to you and your family. Her statement of "I just have to" in regards to dropping the OM are horrible. She's saying that it's gonna be painful, but it has to be done to stay in her accustomed lifestyle. Shame on her for her selfishness. Once she starts a life with the OM and the fantasy fades into reality, she'll realize what she gave up and it will be too late at that point. 

I don't understand why people think the grass is always greener. They carry their weeds into that relationship as well. She'll find out soon enough. Good luck my friend.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Like someone else here said, it the grass looks green on the other side because it's fertilized with bullsh!t. Then once you step in it, you're already knee deep in it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Or it really is green in which case don't let me stand between you and your dreams.


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