# Finally and end? now to deal with it.



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

ok, take a breath.

Its been 10 weeks since I came home and my wife gave me the "ILYBINILWY" speech. Said she was lost, needed time to find herself. All the time she was hanging out with a gay male friend going to clubs, coming home late. I could never prove cheating, but always suspected it.

Today I took my son to school, and he just started crying (15 years old), looked at me and said, "dad, lets go, anywhere, I cant take this anymore". I want out, I want a fresh start.........Talk about absolute heartbreak, him and I are just balling. 

I call my daughter and she comes home so we can have a sit down and chat about whats going on. She starts crying, 17, says "mom just stopped being mom, she's always going out, and she doesn't seem to care about us anymore". I want to leave too. Damn I just got the tears put away, and out they come again. 

I call my wife at work, and tell her she needs to come talk with the kids, I don't say a word. Told the kids they need to say what they feel to my wife. They both let out their feelings, and my wife starts yelling at me, that I've been talking behind her back, and setting this up...........wha???

I told her she'd taken 14 trips, 4 hours away, back to her old high school stomping grounds, left for another state for 3 days, no calls or contact with the kids. And our anniversary is coming up and she's already got a 4 day weekend planned with her friend, also back in her hometown. How is this about what im doing? you've done this to yourself. 

I told her that if this is her working on our marriage, thank goodness you aren't pissed off at me. I told her I just couldn't do this to myself, or the kids anymore. I have a job offer, decent one in another state, and the kids want to go RIGHT NOW, but I want them to finish the last 3 weeks of school. They don't want too, but im making them.

Now im currently self employed, yup you guessed it, I basically have contract jobs with my wifes family. So not only am I losing 90% of my business, also the marriage, but the way I've been supporting my family for the last 20 years. Its gonna be a total start over for me and the kids. Talk about your fresh start.

Its amazing how cold and heartless my wife of over 20 years, has become. The selfishness of her new lifestyle, but more so the callous treatment towards her own kids. I know I know, she's cheating, never gonna be able to prove it, don't really matter now anyway.

Every bill, ounce of credit we have is in my name too. She couldn't get financed for a candy bar. I went to check into getting an apt. and because of one income now, I show a debt ratio of over 80%, and that's cause I told them im still working for her parents, which I wont be after this week. OMG, how am I gonna get my kids out of here? feed them, cloth them, etc, etc. I'm just stunned at fresh this start is gonna be, its very intimidating just to think about. I'm gonna make it tho!!!

I just have to deal with it.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Thumper, I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but feel even worse for your kids.

You're sure your wife's family will cut you off? Even if you expose her and your affair suspicions. 

Although it is no solace that your wife will wake up one day and have deep regrets and that your kids may forever lose their respect for her, you need to protect your kids from her apathy now.

Although it will be tough, maybe you'll need to work 2 jobs, and have the kids get jobs to contribute to the household, too. It sucks, but hopefully the love you have for your kids  will get them through this.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm pretty sure they will cut me off, several weeks ago I asked my father in law if he could show me the business cell phone records (my wifes phone is on that account after she shut off the one she had on our acct. a year ago). He said "sure", then immediately called my wife to get the phone records hidden. This is the reason I cant prove a thing when it comes to the cheating proof.

So if I couldn't trust him with that, I suspect he's gonna throw me to the wolves on the bigger picture. Blood is thicker than water after all. Theres been a couple other times I came to him and he flat lied to my face, so I cant trust he'd be there in the future.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Thumper said:


> I'm pretty sure they will cut me off, several weeks ago I asked my father in law if he could show me the business cell phone records (my wifes phone is on that account after she shut off the one she had on our acct. a year ago). He said "sure", then immediately called my wife to get the phone records hidden. This is the reason I cant prove a thing when it comes to the cheating proof.
> 
> So if I couldn't trust him with that, I suspect he's gonna throw me to the wolves on the bigger picture. Blood is thicker than water after all. Theres been a couple other times I came to him and he flat lied to my face, so I cant trust he'd be there in the future.


I think under the current circumstances, they would be doing you a favor. You could be rid of all of them in one swoop.

Starting over with nothing is hard, I know. But I will tell you from experience, the peace of mind is WORTH it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Finally! 

It took your kids for you to find your strength!

Don't let fear stop you now!!

You'll be fine. Your kids will be fine. 

They want you to put an end to this bs she has created for their family.

Edit: Wait till they see you and your kids leaving. See what reality sets in then.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry, Thumper. 

Didn't mean to be harsh. It will not be easy, but it will be better to cut the cancer out for you and the kids. 

Good for you taking control to lead the way out. 

Full speed ahead.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Thumper - this was so sad to read. 

I have 3 boys and can understand how overwhelmed and sad your boy must have been to cry like that.

Sometimes it's as if the cheater has had their heart surgically removed... 

Whatever happens and where ever you end up nothing can be worse and more painful than living the way you are.

Start planning for yours and your kids (bright) future.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Congratulations on your decision and your new job. Plus you get the kids. It's a big win for you. When do you start the new job?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I'm an on/off reader poster. I have seen many of your posts to others and didn't know background or make or female or anything. You are very together person. I almost IM'd you as to how right on I thought your responses were. I'm glad you are using that strength for you. Sorry she doesn't appreciate what she has in you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thumper, did you tell her about the out of state job? I wasnt clear on that from your post. As sad as it was to read, its so good that your son was able to be open with you, having your kids on the same page as you will be huge.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Hey all, tyvm for the support. Although i'd only been posting since early march, i'd been reading the forums for the last 6 months trying to get a handle on what was happening. I know theres been many of nights that the ppl here at TAM have SAVED my life. Even thou im going to an IC, I get 10x more out of coming here a lot of the time.

golfergirl, those are very kind words, ty ty. Sometimes in the despair of our lives, giving advice to others can make you feel better about yourself.

3X, She does know its out of state, doesn't like it much, but told the kids to go, and that she was fine with it. My son cried even more. She then ran back to work.


3 hours later she came home, brought all her cell phone records for the last 6 months, gave me the passwords for her computer, said theres never been anyone else, that she just needs to find herself, and that I just don't get how lost she'd become. She pleaded to give her another 3-4 months of therapy. She will NOT give me a divorce, that she's never taken her wedding ring off, and she's been faithful 110%, and I could use any program I wanted to check her iphone or cpu to prove it. She just needs more time to work on herself, and that she still thinks of me as the sexiest man she's ever seen. She says she's feeling pressure from the entire family, hers and mine, to just fix this now, but she cant cause she's lost her identity.

She would give up everything in the world to be in love with me again, but if she cant love herself, then how can she love anybody else. It was a very confusing conversation, not one that we'd ever had before. Its really the first time i think we sat and talked about her true feelings. For the first time I think I kind of understood her.

But I told her I still had to go as it was just causing to much pain, for me and the kids. I told her I was fine with her finding herself, but dropping the kids was not right on any level. I told her I cant leave right now, cause the kids' school is the most important thing. I cant leave for another 4 weeks due to that, so if she can find her way by then, maybe we can talk, but for now, that's not an option that works for anyone but her. She understood, and said she hoped that we could continue being faithful for a few more months, and would like to address working on the marriage then after her 12 IC visits finish out. This is the counselor we went to that after 15 minutes of barely talking, told us that the marriage was over, don't think about the past, move on if your unhappy. Needless to say I've been blown away since.

We did go to a new actual MC last week, and I did a follow up, with the MC solo, with her saying she thought the damage could be repaired, but its gonna take some time. My wife then said she's not willing to do anymore MC until she's done with her IC.

How many times, and in the cold, heartless way its all being done, do spouses expect you to just keep coming back for more heartache? Its feels like the longer is goes on, the larger the divide, to a point that, kind of in my case, you just cant keep doing it to yourself even when you want it to work out. The feeling of betrayal takes over the feelings of love.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Take control of this ship!

Finding yourself in a marriage is double speak for I don't want to be married anymore. 

IMO. She's asking for time to convince herself it's okay to leave the marriage. Going out like a single is her trying out her new lifestyle. It has nothing to do with trying to resolve conflict in one's self. Walking away from responsibilities, like children and spouses, does not solve issues. It is only running away from them. 

BTW, I'm glad that she at least has become transparent and has given you that comfort. I hope she follows through with that.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Thumper said:


> 3 hours later she came home, brought all her cell phone records for the last 6 months, gave me the passwords for her computer, said theres never been anyone else, that she just needs to find herself, and that I just don't get how lost she'd become.


Uh. Riiiight. She's going all "Eat Pray Love." I'll bet the gold shipment from California that there is or has been somebody else. 

The ideas they sell to women these days.



Thumper said:


> The feeling of betrayal takes over the feelings of love.


I'd say you've gone above and beyond. It's your life and your choice. The more you move on/away from her, the more she will follow you.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear about all of this, but it seems like you are doing what is best for you are and your kids. I wish you and your children nothing but the best and I hope everything works out for you guys.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Uh. Riiiight. She's going all "Eat Pray Love." I'll bet the gold shipment from California that there is or has been somebody else.
> 
> The ideas they sell to women these days.
> 
> LOL, so true.


Re your wife and her "proof" of faithfulness: What a f##king liar she is. She's probably balled more guys (and gals) since she started hanging out with these new friends of her than there are lobbyists in Washington.

Take the kids and RUN to your new out-of-state job. Your wife is a seriously toxic b###ch who doesn't have a bone of integrity or decency in her body.


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