# Inticimy problems after EA/A with both me and my wife, please help.



## ProvidenceHusband (Aug 9, 2012)

Over a year ago I slept with another women, I was ptsd (diagnosed) and dis-attached after a custody battle from my first marriage, it was a mistake and my wife found out. 

This summer my wife had an EA and we were seperated for a short period of time, she says it took her all this time to deal with my A and she has since ended her EA. She sites my A and years of detachment as the reason. She was looking for something she wanted from me, and wasnt getting and realizes thats all she wanted was to feel loved by me and desired. 

We are the love of one anothers lives, we are regaining intimacy back, we cuddle and kiss and hold hands and love one another deeply. I fantasize about her non stop and am constantly turned on in her presence. She says she really wants to sleep with me, thinks about it, but she says there is a lot of pressure. We tried last night and its awkward for the both of us and we both overthink it, even making out is overthought, the worst part is that she is not physically turned on. She says she thinks it will come with time and I understand women do not work the same as men, but what if it never comes? Our sex life is passionate and intense when its good, we just lost it because of me and my distance and now I am really scared. How is she not physically turned on but having issues mentally going through with it? I mean, shouldnt that be the case? Instead its this total feeling that is gone. I am just looking for advice from both husbands and wives that may have dealt with this before. I almost feel like that part of her is paralized by fear, traumatized, and just needs to be awoken. 

Every other aspect of our marriage is going well, we have a 2 year old together and parent well, no financial issues, we are 28 and 35, and there are no external forces to consider that would weigh in, its all stemming from a long stretch of marriage that didnt go well, distance, and the cheating on both our parts.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Read marriagebuilders material: "His needs her needs" and "Love busters". In their website there's a bunch of good material, including about how to resume physical intimathy. If she's willing try make her engaged in a plan, 15 hours of couples time a week as a minimum.
Read also The five love languages.

You guys can turn things around. Good luck.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Take your time and rebuild intimacy you can do this by doing things that yall used to do when you were first going out do those things such as dates, talking , walking whatever and do not put any pressure on yourselves and it should just flow like old times before you know it after all she fell in love with you before you should know how and what it takes for her to fall in love with you again 

Good Luck


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## IndieWifey (Sep 14, 2012)

I went through a very similar situation with my husband and my advice, like nike says, just do it! If you make jokes, dont take it too seriously, it will work. How can it not if you are physically in the act of love making, its getting there that seems to be the problem for the both of you, so just get there, espeically if you both really want it.

If she is not physically in the mood, so to speak, ask her waht will make her, dont be afraid to think outside of the box. Try making a list of things that turn you on while you are together, tell one another, give direction. I really love oral sex, and my husband loves giving it, so we started there. It was a bit awkward at first but it worked. The two of you need to get back to your happy place. If you are both commited to makign this work then you should know that every aspect is going to actually take working on.

The other possibility is that she is holding on to guilt or shame for what she did and feels it when she is with you. The only way to really move forward is complete honesty and to be open with one another, even if you think its going to hurt your partner, it is the only way. Once my husband and i really opened pandoras box we found that what was inside was exactly what we both had feared, and we dealt with it, and those fears fell to the wayside. So, in summation, dont be afraid to be aggressive in letting her know you want her, and make her feel wanted, she needs to feel sexy and beautiful, I know I did. We also spent a lot of time naked together, just holdin each other, being comfortable and feeling "at home" in his arms made a big difference, that lead to sex faster then anything else.

Good luck and god bless on your venture, it sounds like you are on the right path already


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