# 20 Years of Marriage - Trust, Love - All Gone



## debaussie71 (Nov 15, 2013)

Well some of you probably remember my thread in Considering Divorce section. For quite a while my husband had been distant and then eventually moved out of the house to which I found out thanks to my Mums PI that a women (much younger I will add) is living with him in our apartment which is on the other side of city.

I confronted him about the affair in the end while the OW was there. She did not know he was married and had children. She has since left him and moved out of the apartment to which I came home from work one day and my husband was sitting in the lounge watching tv, despite me having the locks changed, he had a locksmith come back out and cut him a key to match the new locks and called the security company to change the alarm code back to what it was before and I found out through the police that I can't stop him from doing this because his name is on the title as well. I pleaded for him to leave, in the end we ended up having a very big screaming match (which my neighbours heard, very embarrassing) where he confessed that for the last 8 years he has cheated on me with a number of women. How I was so blind I don't know and I am really angry with myself for not noticing anything. I have never lashed out in anger but that day he refused to leave because he kept saying that it was his house and that he paid for it and just wouldn't leave the house. I lashed out and him and he slammed me against the dining room wall pushing me back. He let go of me because I was screaming even louder to let me go. I walked into the kitchen to grab my mobile to call Mum and all of a sudden he swings me around making my phone fling out of my hand and wraps me in a hug squeezing me, he was saying that he is not going anywhere and neither am I. I started kicking him and was trying to pushing him back by hitting his chest. He somehow grabbed both of my arms and slammed be against the kitchen bench and lent over me so I couldn't move then raised his fists threatening to hit me. Why I said it but I was saying just hit me because I don't care anymore because I just don't care, I don't love him and feel sick of him ever been next to me again or even near me, it just makes my skin crawl. He turned around and punched the wall three times which now I have to get fixed. Then he left, despite all his throw backs saying that its his house.

Mum said there is no point calling the police about it because he never physically hit me or hurt me. Also I started it my lashing out at him because I was so angry and even more hurt after he told me that he has been sleeping with OW for 8 years.

I told my divorce lawyer all of what happened and she referred me to a security company which they change the locks but the keys are secured keys like registered keys which are expensive and hard to come by plus you need a particular code to have the key cut again. So have had this done and changed the alarm code again. All just a hell of a nightmare. A friend of mine who also went through a nasty divorce said that it is only going to get worse as the work towards divorce is like a second job. I remember the way she put it. You have to put so much into your marriage and you have to put so much into your divorce. 

Wedding & Engagement rings are officially off the finger as of yesterday. Given them to my Mum to hold onto for my children to have when I am old and die. Ha! Its going to be a long ride.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Deb,

I just read both of your posts. My heart is breaking for you. I'm truly concerned about his abuse. It sounds like it is escalating and you really need to take measures to protect yourself and your children. 

Even if the police won't do anything about it, you need to call it in. You need to be able to show the historical progression of his outbursts and violence. If possible, try to get a restraining order against him. He's out of control and will only continue until one time too many when you really do get hurt.

Have zero tolerance for his violence. Next time, it may be your face instead of the wall. I promise you there will be a next time.

Please, be safe.
Daisy


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Daisy is right. This is abuse! I also think you should call the police so at least there is a record of this event in case he escalate in the future.

You can also get a temporary order to grant you sole possession of the house until the divorce is done. That is what I did because STBXH treaten to kickdown my door and my lawyer said I will have a hard time getting a restraining order based on that.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Did he do this in front of your children? I am with the other posters who think you should have called the police. Please do talk to your attorney about getting an order in place to give you possession of the house. Start gathering all your financial information for your attorney, i.e., tax returns, copies of deeds to your properties, W-2s., pay stubs, etc. You will need all of that. I hope you have a really good attorney - one that specializes in divorce. Your husband is going to fight dirty and you need an attorney that will fight for you and your children.

I'm sincerely sorry it has come to this. Stay strong for you and your children.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Remember you are taking steps to make your life and the life of your children better. You are no one's victim.
I know exactly how you feel about not knowing about long term betrayal. I just ended a 28 year marriage that was so filled with lies its almost comical-almost. Maybe we wanted to believe our husbands so when they told us that little white lie, we shrugged it off. Then as things escalated, and they throw out little jabs we start doubting ourselves and our internal radar. Towards the end, I knew things weren't adding up, but always thought that my husband would not treat me like that. Surely a man that says he loves me would not hurt me. Well, yes he did treat me like that and he had no gumption about hurting me. Guess what? Now he will say that most of it was my fault. So be prepared. If your's follows the standard path then all the problems of his life will be some fault of yours. That way he never has to take responsibility for his actions.
You made him mad so he was justified in punching the wall. You were asking for it. NO NO NO. Lots of people get mad and never strike another human being, never put a whole in the wall. People with anger management issues behave that way. You did not ball his fist up and plunge it threw the wall. He did that all on his own. And he did it because he is incapable of controlling his actions. Please don't ever forget that.
Report it to the police before you have it repaired. Document everything. Even events or conversations that themselves are not actionable. It creates a paper trail and will help to protect you.
hugs.


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## debaussie71 (Nov 15, 2013)

See I am in two minds of calling the police and I assume I would have to make a statement, this would hopefully give me grounds to put a restraining order on him but I am also scared that once he is approached that he will tell them about me lashing out at him. One of my girlfriends said that I should take photos of the wall and go into the police anyway but I am also afraid of what the reaction to this order will be.

My husband has never been aggressive or violent its just very recent that he has changed and it really confuses me. The first time I saw him hit my son hard across the face was when the turning point in my husbands anger was. That is where I realised that he had changed or something was not right and that he within himself and at home was not happy.

My 12 year old twin girls were at a birthday party and my son was next door at the neighbors as they have an almost 15 year old son that my kids go to school with. He didn't hear anything probably because he was in engrossed in Xbox but the adults (our neighbours/friends) heard the whole thing. Dan and Jill (my neighbours/friends) were considering coming over to see what was going on because they know my husband had left and had been having an affair.

The kids are with him this weekend - first time in a while he has taken them for the weekend. It is a little scary I must admit after that being the only one at home. However I will admit mostly that it is nice to have piece and quiet. You never realise until the whole house is empty how peaceful it is.

I need to speak to my Lawyer I suppose to get advice on protection but I just don't think he will come back to do that again. I think he got the point on how I reacted.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I guarantee you, if you don't call the police you will dearly regret it. He may work on turning your kids against you and if you don't have proof of his destructiveness you will kick yourself. Document, document. Have Dan and Jill give a statement as well.


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## debaussie71 (Nov 15, 2013)

Wow it has been months since I have been on here. Life has been a whirlwind over the last few months. I am so depressed about how everything has worked out and am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my marriage is over. I know everyone probably thinks I am mad but I am have thought a few times about taking my husband back as he pleads that he screwed up and is sorry for what he has done and that it will never happen again. He sends me flowers and text messages saying that he loves me and all this. I stupidly one night in January let him come home to talk and have a few wines but the next day I realised that he just wanted to have sex. Yes we had sex and I am kicking myself for it as it was a step-back and it was him just wanting a male release as I call it.

Since then I have put the wall up saying that there will be no more of that of which his come back was that I was his wife and as long as I am his wife that he will F*&k me when ever he wants. Well guess what, he still hasn't got any and I am moving on and moving forward. I have made it clear that we are over and that I am pushing forward for a divorce whether he likes it or not. He threatened me with all kinds of horrible things and lots of verbal text and email abuse etc but I am making a stand now by trying to use that little amount of mental and emotional strength I have to only allow him in my life for kid purposes only.

He has become very abusive over text and email as I have approached Child Services so that they can start chasing him for child support as he hasn't paid for a thing since school went back. He hates the idea of child support as he said in his own words that child support will bleed him dry and that he doesn't deserve this treatment.

As our cars are leased through his company, he has taken my Audi Q7 off of me which was our family car, he just rocked on up to the house one day, came to the door and asked that I open the garage for him so he could get his tools. I didn't think anything of it but all of a sudden I saw my car reversing out of the driveway so the prick left me with three kids and no car. My long time friend from high school lent me one of their cars for a month until I found my feet. I took out a small loan to buy a car which was brand new thankfully although it isn't the Audi which I loved. I just bought a Ford Territory SUV thing so it fits all the kids in so that's the main thing. 

I didn't follow through with the Police statement as much as I should have but that was a choice that I have to deal with and live with I suppose. 

We are fighting over care for the kids at the moment and again that comes down to his fight to pay no child support. He is fighting to have the kids 50/50 shared care but I don't agree with that as the kids have routine in the family home, they hate the apartment, and he is only just trying to get a jail free card from child support. It actually makes me sick that he doesn't realise that child support is to support his/our children. I am fighting to have the kids 10 - 11 days out of a fortnight of which our lawyers are happily taking our money from us. Whilst all of our money is in the lawyers trust which can't be touched by myself or my husband, my parents have said despite me saying no that they will pay for my legal fees to keep my going and to ensure that I have a fair fight. My Mum is almost throwing money at my/her lawyer to fight for me. Just so glad that they can support me through this as I could not afford the legal fees on my own as apposed to my husband.

Hope everyone is doing ok out there and thank you for following my story.

Deb
Xxx


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Deb, wow. I am so glad that you have your parents to help and support you.


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## debaussie71 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thanks Fenix.

Yes having my parents support through this is definitely a great help with it all especially legal costs. Although I have made it a point that once we have settled (if that will ever happen at the rate how things have gone so far) that I will mortgage the house to pay them back as I don't want that over my head for the rest of my life.

I made that move today and had my lawyer send him a letter saying that I am going to submit proceedings against him in the family court about children's orders regarding custody and putting him on notice about the period that you have to be apart before a divorce hearing is heard. The period here in Australia is 1 year and 1 day so he knows that I will be making an application for divorce on the said date mentioned in the letter.

I tallied up the invoices so far that Mum and party me have paid so far and already only a few months from appointing a Lawyer I am up to $8,700 in legal fees. Freaking out a bit about the cost of this. Oh my god!!!

The kids are okay especially the girls, they seem to be dealing with the fact that their parents marriage is over and are ignoring the fighting that is going on between my husband and I. Nick on the other hand is really taking it a bit tough, he is going through this blaming himself for our fighting and separation and I have had to take him to a counsellor and the doctor. They have put him on a low dosage of an anti depressant for the time being to get over this hopefully short depressed stage.

I hate seeing my boy like this. Its hard to be strong myself for him when I am not overly strong at the moment either.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Your son is about 15? That is a really tough age for boys. I have one too. My kids were a source of strength for me. I knew I needed to model the behavior that I would want from them. Still, the kids add another dimension of guilt. I am glad that he is in therapy. My son won't consider going but my 16 year old daughter is. He may eventually. Does your son know why the divorce is happening??

My comment above on the support was just as much emotional as financial. When your parents are in your corner, it is much easier.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your husband has been sending you threatening email and texts you can use this to get a restraining order. Print out the emails and take copies of phone messages. you copy a phone message by displaying the message on your phone and putting it on a copy machine.

Written threats are real threats.

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. So I don't think there is much more to say except (((((((hugs)))))))


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## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

Deb,

You sound like you are from England. I would see if you have some time and spend it away from the house. Have the alarm company put in a wireless alarm remote and use the house keypad as a dummy alarm. If he gets the code wrong three times, alarm goes off or does nothing. If He really wanted into your place, he will use a chain saw to cut out the door frame and walk inside. 

Restrains do little unless he wants to risk loosing his job.

BTW, is your husband a narcissist?


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## debaussie71 (Nov 15, 2013)

Fenix said:


> Your son is about 15? That is a really tough age for boys. I have one too. My kids were a source of strength for me. I knew I needed to model the behavior that I would want from them. Still, the kids add another dimension of guilt. I am glad that he is in therapy. My son won't consider going but my 16 year old daughter is. He may eventually. Does your son know why the divorce is happening??
> 
> My comment above on the support was just as much emotional as financial. When your parents are in your corner, it is much easier.


Yes he just turned 15. My big boy is growing up way to fast and is extremely mature for his age. No way was I as mature as he is at 15. It scares me a little. Ha! My kids are my world at the moment and I have been honest as to why I will not allow their father to come back home. The girls probably aren't old enough to understand the emotion or hurt that their father has caused thanks to his infidelity. My Son hates going to stay with him. 

Love my kids to bits...

My Mum and Dad are amazing parents. Especially my Mum, she has been the rock so far for me to fall on. My Dad as he always does really just doesn't want to know the detail but still offers the general chats and love. He has always been like that. Love them both to bits as well.


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## debaussie71 (Nov 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If your husband has been sending you threatening email and texts you can use this to get a restraining order. Print out the emails and take copies of phone messages. you copy a phone message by displaying the message on your phone and putting it on a copy machine.
> 
> Written threats are real threats.
> 
> It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. So I don't think there is much more to say except (((((((hugs)))))))


Sorry I should elaborate more. When I say threaten its purely all financial and no means of physical harm via his correspondence.


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## debaussie71 (Nov 15, 2013)

larky said:


> Deb,
> 
> You sound like you are from England. I would see if you have some time and spend it away from the house. Have the alarm company put in a wireless alarm remote and use the house keypad as a dummy alarm. If he gets the code wrong three times, alarm goes off or does nothing. If He really wanted into your place, he will use a chain saw to cut out the door frame and walk inside.
> 
> ...


Thanks larky, I am actually from Australia. I don't think I will have anymore trouble with my husband. He hasn't been around the house except for dropping the kids off but he does that at the bottom of the driveway anyway so he gets the point that its all over and that in my letter from the lawyer to him the other day I claimed that I will be fighting to keep the house.

You could probably say my husband is a narcissist. Always has been like that though.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

debaussie71 said:


> Thanks larky, I am actually from Australia. I don't think I will have anymore trouble with my husband. He hasn't been around the house except for dropping the kids off but he does that at the bottom of the driveway anyway so he gets the point that its all over and that in my letter from the lawyer to him the other day I claimed that I will be fighting to keep the house.
> 
> You could probably say my husband is a narcissist. Always has been like that though.


When people show you what they are, believe them.


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