# Is Cheating "Abusive"?



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

From time to time I read other "relationship" forums just to get an overall "feel" for certain issues. Today I looked at a board that's dedicated to the members discussions about "abuse". 

I understand that the members of that board would DEFINITELY consider cheating to be "abusive".

But what do the members here at CWI think? Do *you* consider cheating to be "abusive" in nature? If so, did your partner do other "abusive" things besides cheat?

Vega


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It can be. There are threads here were the cheater is abusive. Heck! Even some were the cheated on was abusive to a greater or lesser degree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think it's a matter of semantics.

It is certainly emotionally abusive. And the pschological abuse can become physical in nature due to the pain it causes.

But when I think of "abuse" I think of willfully inflicting the pain. I mean, if I strike my wife, it is willful and direct. If I were, for selfish reasons or feed my addiction, go and have sex with another person it may or may not be a willful act directly aimed at my wife. 

So I guess the answer is..................

maybe.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It depends on your definition of abuse. Some people consider only physical violence to be abuse. Others consider mistreatment to be abuse. Cheating would satisfy the latter definition of abuse, but not the former.

It is certainly harmful. Most people are traumatized by the betrayal of infidelity in a way that few other events can match.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In some cases it can be emotionally abusive. In others, it's the natural and logical consequence of neglect or abuse. To claim a right to one's love and loyalty, one must earn and deserve both. Withhold sex from your partner, trap them into marriage, or otherwise abuse them long enough, they will find solace elsewhere. In other cases, one can be an ideal partner and still be cheated on. That would be an example of emotional abuse.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> It
> Most people are traumatized by the betrayal of infidelity in a way that few other events can match.


That's what I've noticed about my own situation. When I was with my abusive exh., I used to walk around (internally) angry...confused...bewildered...shocked...scared...feeling foolish etc. I have many of the same feeling after being cheated on my exb/f.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

I suppose so, I try not to get caught up in a victim mentality.

I think cheating is also self-harm to larger degree than some people appreciate (in some circumstance, I'm not making a blanket statement).


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

IMO, I think it is abuse in cases where the cheater still continues to have sex with the BS while also having sex with the AP. 

WHY ? 

Because the BS is being put into an "indirect threesome" without their consent (we will just assume the BS doesn't want their WS to be having sex with another person), and any sexual act being performed on a person against their consent is rape in my book !


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> I suppose so, I try not to get caught up in a victim mentality.
> 
> I think cheating is also self-harm to larger degree than some people appreciate (in some circumstance, I'm not making a blanket statement).


Agreed. My WW has a history of self destructive issues, including diverting meds at her hospital to feed her opiate addiction. This isn't an excuse, in the slightest, but seemed to be a contributing factor in this issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I don't know about abusive, but is certainly harmful. And generally, I learnt that people who cheat are also in other ways abusive in the relationship : physically abusive, financially abusive, control freaks, emotional blackmailers (like, if you don't do what I ask, I leave you, or I had worse : if you don't do what I ask, I kill myself ) All these forms of abuse came from a cheater. 
So while cheating itself can be viewed or not as an abuse, a cheater is almost always abusive.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Vega said:


> From time to time I read other "relationship" forums just to get an overall "feel" for certain issues. Today I looked at a board that's dedicated to the members discussions about "abuse".
> 
> I understand that the members of that board would DEFINITELY consider cheating to be "abusive".
> 
> ...


Cheating is absolutely abusive IMO. I am not a BS. I would feel absolutely raped. Being hit or other wise abused would pale in comparison.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Cheaters and abusers seem to share similar mindset, world-view and self-view. They seem to believe that they're entitled to cheat or otherwise be abusive because of something they lack, yet WANT...and believe they "deserve". 

They both have a propensity for extreme selfishnes.


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

I think its a form of abuse, just not directly intended that way from the cheating party.

If one directly or indirectly inflicts emotional pain on someone else, the act being labeled "abuse" is for the person who is in pain to decide. Of course a betrayer is not going to want to think what they did to someone is abuse.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

dusty4 said:


> Of course a betrayer is not going to want to think what they did to someone is abuse.


An _abuser_ doesn't want to think that what they did was "abusive" either! It's just another similarity between cheater and abuser...


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I regard my STBXW as abusive not just to me but to the children as well because of the blatant way she carries on with OM despite living in the same house. It upsets everyone but she doesn't care and doesn't see that she is doing anything wrong. As far as she is concerned the second she said the marriage was over she was a free agent - no matter what anyone else thinks or feels. 

As for the photos on the internet.....pure abuse, deliberately designed to wound and upset.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Yes I consider it abuse. 

Endangering someones life through exposure to STDs by itself is abuse (and assuming you're positive for the worst ones also a felony in many states.)


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I consider it abuse as well. I definitely felt emotionally abused, especially since he convinced me to spend our life savings on his business for "us" while he was screwing around the entire time. 

However, I am a survivor. Not a victim.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

By definition (see below), yes. In practice, yes. Very little abuse in this world is actually physical. Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse far outnumber physical abuse. Physical abuse is easier to prove and less acceptable. 
How about the old saying "sticks and stones can can break break my 
bones but words can never hurt me."?? We all know that's a lie, words can kill, but this is still what some try to teach our kids. In my humble opinion infidelity is definitely a form of abuse.



a·buse [v. uh-byooz; n. uh-byoos] verb, a·bused, a·bus·ing, noun
verb (used with object)
1.
to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.
2.
to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3.
to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4.
to commit sexual assault upon.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

In most cases, YES I consider it abuse. Sure, it's different from a situation where someone is scared for their life due to an out of control physically abusive partner.

But it is the inflicting of pain on another human being with full knowledge of its wrongfulness. Some people have commented that it's not the same as physical abuse because those doing carrying out an affair don't intend to hurt their spouse. Probably most of the physically and emotionally abusive people often don't intend to hurt their victims either. They may sincerely regret their actions. But they still choose to hurt another again and again.

And so do cheaters.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

For me, it is the events after that make it abusive. Mind movies, trust issues, triggers, blame, second guessing, rewrite and fear.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Cheating within marriage ... yes, I would consider that a form of emotional abuse. If the cheater rubs it in the BS's face ... then it becomes a more severe version of abuse. IMHO.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

100% yes 

especially in terms of 'choice'

I'm sure it doesn't always start out as that and many waywards no doubt realize at some point it is abusing destroying their partner kids families and do something about it.

BUT I think when it becomes serial cheating then there's just no doubt about it

Once you have done it once and seen precisely the wreckage that adultery leaves in its wake then you are making an informed decision to go right on in and do it again.

That's as abusive as it gets imo 

Abusive for me at any rate means that extra bit of chilling calculated decision making that knows the consequences ...........but happily ignores them


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Abuse isn't always done in a willful and cognizant way. Without the help of my therapist, I would never have had a clue that some of my behaviors or ways of being were actually abusive to others. I would never have *intentionally* harmed or abused anyone I cared about.

But yes, I agree that cheating is emotionally abusive, absolutely. Even more so when part of triangulation maneuvers.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It's emotionally abusive to gaslight a partner. And that's something nearly every cheater tries, to a greater or lesser degree. Combined with the lies, the trickle truth, the manipulations, the dismissiveness, the verbal and often financial abuse, the exposure of your partner to possible STD's, the exposure of the children to an emotionally unhealthy environment? Yes, cheating, and the behaviors the cheater uses to protect himself or herself from the consequences of their own actions, is absolutely abusive.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Rowan said:


> It's emotionally abusive to gaslight a partner. And that's something nearly every cheater tries, to a greater or lesser degree. Combined with the lies, the trickle truth, the manipulations, the dismissiveness, the verbal and often financial abuse, the exposure of your partner to possible STD's, the exposure of the children to an emotionally unhealthy environment? Yes, cheating, and the behaviors the cheater uses to protect himself or herself from the consequences of their own actions, is absolutely abusive.


Spot on


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Vega said:


> From time to time I read other "relationship" forums just to get an overall "feel" for certain issues. Today I looked at a board that's dedicated to the members discussions about "abuse".
> 
> I understand that the members of that board would DEFINITELY consider cheating to be "abusive".
> 
> ...


Before even reading replies to this, I'll give my thoughts...

Yes.

The betrayed spouse has no idea what is going on, they are being lied to, and they are being made to feel things are a certain way when they aren't. Here's an example...

W "You never talk to me anymore" (means guy in work is making me laugh and telling me I look cute, you're telling me we're into our overdraft on our checking account)

H "Huh? I talk to you all the time" (starts wondering what she's talking about, they always talk.. he's confused)

H "Why do you never tell me you love me anymore?" (not sure why his wife stopped telling him he looks nice or that she loves him)

W "Why are you so needy?" (can't say 'because I love some other guy right now)

It goes on and on.. it's pretty abusive. The thing is, that this person doesn't see it as abuse because they think they are so clever that you don't even notice.. Meanwhile you're all confused and a mental case... They are so brainwashed (by themselves) that they think stuff like they are helping themselves, therefore it's good for the marriage.. and if they are happy you are happy. Anything to justify the selfish behavior to continue the love affair.. So it's abuse, but the abuser doesn't realize it's abusive until they are exposed and confronted with it. (in my case)


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

There's no question in my mind it's *absolutely* abuse. It destroys the BS from the inside out. 

I feel lucky that I'm not a basket case.....for me finding out the truth lightened a very heavy load and made me feel so much better about myself, which helped me to deal with the other stuff. I've been damaged but I'm fixable. I think for many that might not be the case, and the cycle of destruction that the WS has inflicted on them might never be repaired.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It is emotionally abusive, though I think one time cheaters don't realize the pain they inflict, so not fully intentional. A serial cheat would be an emotional abuser plain and simple.

Then there's the aspect of devaluing the faithful spouse. That results in insults, randomly starting fights, and overall neglect. So, it causes a secondary form of abuse.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

I agree that cheating and the techniques used for concealment are an abuse of the relationship and trust. But is it "abusive?" I would be hesitant to use that label for all cheating as it is a different experience to be cheated on by someone with an abusive personality. Someone with an abusive personality enjoys having power over another person and builds him/herself up by being cruel in various ways (physically, emotionally, financially, sexually...) to the person he/she purports to "love." So for an abusive personality cheater, the cheating and concealment techniques are just part of a larger scale cruelty. Whereas a cheater isn't necessarily someone with an abusive personality, but may be someone behaving in a short-sighted, immature, and selfish way to help him/herself justify his/her actions. The cheater's end goal is to maintain an affair or avoid discovery of a past indiscretion and the pain the BS experiences is collateral damage the cheater was unprepared for that often shocks and horrifies this kind of cheater.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yep. Gaslighting, trickle truthing, rug sweeping, emotional/sexual deprivation = TRAUMA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

My STBXH has never raised a hand to me, nor been verbally abusive. All the same, someone that has known me for a long time told me that I remind her of a "battered wife." She was right. Anything that changes someone from a confident, self-aware individual into someone who is now unable to make the simplest of decisions has to be some form of abuse. My H's careless and downright cruel actions have changed me immensely and now I have a lot of work to do to put myself back together. In my opinion, he abused me by abusing my trust, love and commitment; by lying and making me feel like I am paranoid; by making me feel like there is something wrong with me.

If he read this, he would be shocked because he will never truly understand the damage he has done.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Definition of abuse:

1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.
5. To deceive or trick.

My ex wife had multiple affairs. When caught she threw verbal bombs at me like "If you were more of a man I wouldn't have cheated on you." After the divorce I sunk into a deep depression and wouldn't leave my apartment for months. Eventually I did go out and began using alcohol and drugs to dull the pain finally becoming an alcoholic and addict. I started hanging around in bars drinking and fighting, each night looking for a woman to pump and dump or a guy to knife me and put me out of my misery. I didn't think I deserved to live and went out of my way to make sure to find a way to fulfill my inner revulsion. I only sought treatment when I couldn't sink any lower than I already had.

Is cheating abuse? I would have to say yes.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Vega said:


> From time to time I read other "relationship" forums just to get an overall "feel" for certain issues. Today I looked at a board that's dedicated to the members discussions about "abuse".
> 
> I understand that the members of that board would DEFINITELY consider cheating to be "abusive".
> 
> ...


I consider it emotional and mental abuse!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Absolutely , especially in cases where the cheating continues after exposure, or when there is false R, or very much when there is gas lighting going on.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I think it's a matter of semantics.
> 
> It is certainly emotionally abusive. And the pschological abuse can become physical in nature due to the pain it causes.
> 
> ...



Whoa whoa.....man.....you are out of your mind and your logic is flawed.....cheating is willful man...you are willfully breaking a promise and commitment to someone.....you are a sick man...and a cheater no doubt....or have cheated....

Is cheating abusive.....not maybe.....

Is cheating abusive.....hell yeah...its soul murder of your partner...that is willful.....


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i believe it's abusive behavior by the offending spouse, especially when they are cake-eating.


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