# debrief from recent fight regarding inlaws



## nader (May 4, 2011)

Just want to get some feedback over something that happened when my parents were in town over the weekend.

On Sunday, I made plans to go to my old church with my parents over the weekend. People in this church go way back with my family and have yet to see our baby. The church is an hour from where we lived which is why I don't attend there regularly anymore. It is impossible to go there without being invited for lunch; and impossible to decline without being rude. Seeing these people meant the world to my family as well as to me, so this is what we did. I made plans to go there with my parents several days before they go there. We knew we would probably wind up going to lunch, but the problem is that I failed to mention this to my wife.

Saturday night, we decided we were going to go to the lake. My wife said, pick me up at work at 2:30 and we will go from there.

Going to lunch, even briefly, made us about an hour late, because church was so far away. Leaving church, I called my wife at work to tell her we are going to be late. She FLIPPED OUT, just kept saying be there at 2:30, be there 2:30; I painfully explained the situation; she said, "well you guys will just have to go through a drivethrough then," I said we'll do our best," she said, "I guess we're not going to the lake then," I held my ground told her she was being unbelievably childish, we're still going to the lake, and to just sit tight and we would do our best to get there.

After lunch, she had calmed down, told me she was staying a little later at work, and when we picked her up, we had a lovely time at the lake and everything was fine.

But yesterday in an argument, we fought about it some more. She maintained that she had worked her butt off to get off work work on time, only to have my family completely disregard this and throw off all of her meticulous planning. 

My position was that she was incredibly nasty to me on the phone in front of my parents, putting me in an awful situation when she should have chosen to see the bigger picture and be reasonably flexible, and that everything turned out to be fine and we had a nice time even though we were late.

I managed to get a half-hearted apology for the way she acted, but more because we were both tired of arguing about it than because we got any satisfactory resolution out of it. 

She did however tell me that from now on she won't be changing any of her work plans when my family is in town, which was fine with me. My family can be unpredictable and late for everything, but her family is honestly not much better. We agreed that this is the case and it goes with the territory of having inlaws. I think the truth is that the situation caught us both by surprise; for her because we would be late, and for me because I had no idea this would make her so angry.

Any perspectives on this? Were either of us right to be upset?


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

My mother was like this. Fortunately my wife is a lot better.Maybe the communication should have been better about what you were going to do, but there is no reason for her to flip out over something as small.

The bigger problem is that a fight about it happened later on. Do not let her come between you and your family. Both families hers and yours are very important. You both must work hard to maintain the relationship.

One way to handle it is to keep a cool head on your part, don't let the emotion of the minute take control. Try talking to her calmly. Some people are just unreasonable to deal with.

Good luck


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## HadIOnlyKnown (Jun 14, 2011)

nader said:


> Just want to get some feedback over something that happened when my parents were in town over the weekend.
> 
> On Sunday, I made plans to go to my old church with my parents over the weekend. People in this church go way back with my family and have yet to see our baby. The church is an hour from where we lived which is why I don't attend there regularly anymore. It is impossible to go there without being invited for lunch; and impossible to decline without being rude. Seeing these people meant the world to my family as well as to me, so this is what we did. I made plans to go there with my parents several days before they go there. We knew we would probably wind up going to lunch, but the problem is that I failed to mention this to my wife.
> 
> ...


You said: "It is impossible to go there without being invited for lunch; and impossible to decline without being rude."

Sorry, I don't think that's true. Yes, people may almost invite you for lunch BUT I think you could turn them down without being rude. "Gosh, I'm sorry. I have to get back to pick my wife up from work and spend some family time at the lake. Could I get a raincheck for next time?" See? Not rude 

You said: "We knew we would probably wind up going to lunch, but the problem is that I failed to mention this to my wife." Bingo! You knew ahead of time that you would probably be there longer than you lead her to believe but you didn't tell her. Why? You created the situation by not sharing all of your plans.

FWIW, I keep noticing you said several times "pick her up from work". I'm assuming she did not have access to a vehicle to get home until you came back to get her. Yeah, buddy, I'd be hacked, too. She made arrangements to work less time, she was waiting on YOU to pick her up and YOU left her there with no warning and no other way home. For an HOUR (which is a long darn time if you are upset and stranded.) Now, I may be wrong. Maybe she could have taken a bus or caught a ride, but still, she didn't know going in that she might have to do that so I think she has a right to be upset.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

no, she has her own transporation. It just a matter of everyone carpooling together to go to the lake. In fact, it would have just been easier for her to drive home and meet us there. I gave her 'warning' an hour before her shift ended.

Lunch was a special treat for my parents who live 8 hours away and rarely gets to see these people. You just have to take my word for it that lunch was a necessity.

This is all water under the bridge at this point.. we are over it now.


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## HadIOnlyKnown (Jun 14, 2011)

I'm glad the two of you have worked it out, I understand about feeling like your parents were counting on you to have lunch. My only issue was that you said you knew you'd probably be going and didn't tell her. I think that is where the breakdown came into play. I don't like suprises either, and I would have been livid if my husband seemingly threw our personal plans out the window at the last minute. It wouldn't have been much salve on the wound, either, for him to tell me later that he had planned to go all along but had left it out. I think, in the future, you'd be better off planning a tentative time to leave with the caveat that you might have something come up that could postpone the trip and hour or two. You're just guilty of double booking, if a hotel had double booked you and asked you to wait for your room when you planned to be in at 3 I think you'd be upset.


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