# still trying to get through this...



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

On Oct 25 i found out that my husband of 9 years had an affair. A couple of months before I caught him, i found some text messages and he admitted that he had feelings for her but nothing happened. I had a gut feeling that he wasn't telling me something, as i had asked him multiple times if anything had happened, he of course said no. Fast forward to Oct 25 I went through his phone and found a saved message of her basically naked (she only had panties on). I confronted him on it and he finally admitted that they did have sex 1 time. Whether it was more than 1 time, i don't know. I guess it doesn't matter how many times, it still happened. I know that our marriage wasn't sunshine and rainbows all of the time, but I NEVER saw it coming! I had no idea that we had so many problems. Looking back I can see where we weren't connecting but, that does not justify him going to someone else. He should have talked to me!
We are working on our marriage, some days are good, some are bad. Today is a bad day. I don't feel like he is trying to win me back. I feel like I am working on this harder than he is. I went and bought the book, His Needs, Her Needs and we are reading it together nightly and talking after about what we felt as we were reading it. It seems to be helping some. I guess I just need some words of encouragement. I need to know I'm not being stupid for staying. I love my husband more than anything (besides my kids), and I want to forgive him. More than anything I want to forgive him. Some days I think I have forgiven him, then I have a day like today, where I am just SO angry. I am so angry that he has done this to our family. We have 2 young children, and I feel like he didn't just do this to me, he did it to them too. **sigh**


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep. I hear you on all of it. My advice, don't put the pressure of having to make any decisions right now. Go with your instincts on everything - everyday. Today great, tomorrow awful, next day amazing. Just go with it for awhile. Might he do it again? Might there be more he isn't telling you? Are you sure the OW is out of the picture entirely? What would you want in a worst case? what do you think the best case is? Is that good enough? These will take you a long long time to resolve. 
You deserve better than what you've been given. It takes a long time. Just breathe and take it day by day. (Can you tell I'm talking to myself too?)
Good luck


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Thank you so much for your reply. I know that right now I am doing the right thing for me.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Ditto to what Luv said. I don't think you're stupid at all for staying. I found out on October 19th of my H's affair & from the moment I found out not once did I think of not staying. Which before this happened to me would have been the last thing I said I would do if ever... The bad days are becoming farther apart - in fact, it seems like a long time ago on some days even though it hasn't been. 

Like Luv, so sad/mad that it took this horrible & tragic thing to happen to our marriage to wake us up and realize what we have. We are so committed to our marriage and our family. (I have 2 young children also) We both wonder what the heck we were thinking. Him to do such a horrible/selfish act and both of us for letting our marriage get to where it was. Like you, I never in a million years saw it coming or knew it was going on. And I was blindsided on two fronts as the OW was a friend of mine! You are absolutely right - you didn't deserve what he did to you & your family nor does the state of your marriage justify things. But perhaps, through communication you'll be able to see where he was and perhaps get an understanding of why. (understanding does not mean accepting or saying it was okay) For me, it was an eye opener and I had to really look at myself and how I was treating my husband and my marriage. I am not proud and again, did not deserve what my H did but I wasn't holding up my end of the marriage either. 

All I can say is take each day at a time. It's what I am doing. Good Luck!


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## Earl (Dec 9, 2009)

Any update to this situation..?


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Such good advice from everyone. I've been at it for 22 months now and it still stings, mainly because my wife can't forgive herself.

Hang in there. If you think he's not doing enough, just back away from him. He'll come to you.


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

I too found out about the affair 6.5 weeks ago, he confessed but most were all lies. He had begged me to stayed when he first confessed and stupide me, I still trusted him and relented. Little did I know he was still sleeping with her for almost 2 weeks after that first confession. It hurt so much more to find out about the second betrayal.

I'm still on an emotional coaster, fine one day, angry the next, intense sadness the day after. The second time when he finally confessed to everything was 2 weeks ago, he broke down & truly begged. He changed a total 180 degrees to what he was before, a total personality and character change. For the past few years of our marriage, he completely shut me out emotionally but that did not excuse him to carry on an affair for 14 months, EA for 2 years. His bull___ excuse was I didn't care for him and she treated him like he was the centre of her universe. The truth was I was always there for him but choose to shut me out. That night, he said he looked at our marriage and figured out what we did wrong and came up with solutions on how to work on and improve our marriage. 

Before that 2 weeks, he maintained that he still loved her and tried to learn not to miss her. I was dumb and stupid to accept that crap for nearly weeks when in fact, he was sleeping with her behind my back. When I could not take his bs. any more, I told him I wanted a divorce and he knew I was serious, the next day, he confessed to everything. 

He signed over his share of business to the OW (she was a business partner of his that I didn't know about) when he broke off with her 4 weeks ago and that was a 6 figure amount we lost. I believe at the time, he believed he loved her and she loved him so it was the pay off for breaking off with her. He was suppose to spend a week to teach her his side of the business so she can take over everything but I was adamant. No contact means no contact. We lost so much money to her, why should he have to spend more time teaching her things regarding the business. She was after his money & she got it, there's not way in hell would I allow him to spend more time with her teaching her things to her advantage when she was doing her damnest to break up our family. After his confession 2 weeks ago, he finally realized she was after his money all along so he came to terms with it surprising fast. He said there's no sense getting depress losing her love when in fact it was all about money to her. Money he can make again but at least, she's out of our lives (hopefully). Now I ask him about her and he said he doesn't give a damn about her, so at least our marriage have some hope.

Sorry, I wrote everything in that little book of mine to blow off some steam so I know exact date of everything that had happened.

Can'tbelieveit, read over all the advices the ladies here give you, they are true words of wisdom. Print it and read them over and over again and ask yourself the same questions. Don't let him get away with the lies, I wrote everything he told me and I played everything back & a lot of things did not make sense, so I confronted him about them a lot of times that more lies came out. In fact, I was driving him crazy with all my confrontations every day/second day. I was on an emotional roller coaster that was out of control. It took me nearly 5 weeks to finally stand firm, that I realized I could walk out of our 20+ years marriage because I was fed up with all the lies.

Ask your H about her, what is she like, how he feels about her, because, are you sure she is out of his life? If you feel he's not working hard enough to try to win you back, perhaps there's more to it than that.....follow your instinct. Because honestly, after my H's confession 6.5 weeks ago, I felt the same too, he did change but I felt he did not try hard enough, as he should have. I don't mean to put doubts into your head but I learned it the hard way and I don't want you to go through what I did.


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## citygrl (Dec 8, 2009)

Reading through your replies to "cantbelieveit" it seems like I am reading things that I am feeling or going through.

I too think that my husband is not trying enough to win me back but then I think maybe he is giving me space and staying away from me because he is afraid that I will get upset.

He gets angry too because he thinks that I don't believe him that there was no sex involved, I tell him you lied and kept things from me so why do you think I should believe what you are saying is true. 

He also gets really angry because I keep asking him over and over again either the same question or things about what happened, but I explained to him that I need to know and that I have a right to know as well since I am his wife.

I too have good days and then bad days, just when I am feeling better something will come along and totally devastate me. However I have found that time is helping me get better, I feel I am not crying as much and can actually have a conversation without crying.

I feel encouraged reading these posts that our marriage can be salvaged and that we can move forward, thanks to all of you.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

Thank you all for all of the wonderful/much needed advice and encouragement. I told him last night how I was feeling and he understands that I need more from him. I do feel like we are making progress but you have those days where you doubt everything. Today I told myself that today is going to be a good day, and so far it is. I am trying to block out anything that is not positive, seems to be working so far. I am so happy to have found this forum, I don't really have anyone to talk to that has been through or is still going through something as devastating as this, and it is nice to be able to vent and type all your fears without (hopefully) being judged.


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