# Guy friend who is interested



## Billymac (Nov 23, 2010)

Hello. I'm in a great relationship except for one small issue. My girlfriend has a guy friend who she has known for a while. They met at a bar and he asked her out. She went out with him but it turned into just friendship. The details of how this turned into friendship are not something she has shared with me. She just wasn't attracted to him is the only thing she shares. 

That being said, he was, is and will always be attracted to her. This is not my opinion, this is straight from my girlfriends mouth. She admits that if she were interested in a relationship with him he would definitely be down with it. We have been getting more serious (we are both 35) and have started talking about marriage. I'm getting used to this idea but this other guy really bothers me. I've tried to become friends with him but it's awkward. She doesn't hide their relationship from me but they talk on the phone a lot and have conversations about god knows what. He is single and in his own words desperate. 

When I have been around them I feel very awkward. They are very touchy feely. She will put her hand on his thigh, he will give her neck massages and they will hug for long awkward amounts of time. Typically we go out with him and some of his single male friends and the conversation always turn to sex and body parts, etc. That's with me right there. What would the conversation be if I weren't there. I don't think she is interested in him or she would obviously be with him. My problem is if I'm going to get further involved with her she needs to set boundaries in this relationship. The things that make me feel uncomfortable need to stop. They have always talked about sex and relationships together, even looked at porn together (which every man reading this knows is an attempt to get her horny and in bed). In my opinion her relationship with him needs to slow down to a a few phone calls a year to catch up. She has give me an ultimatum to get married in the next 6 month so I feel it is only fair that I ask her to address this uncomfortable relationship. I would not for a second make time with a woman who was sexually and intimately interested in me. It's just disrespectful to our relationship and will in the end cause it to fail. In the last year she has slowed down her communications with this guy which has made me a little more comfortable to even consider marriage. 

In the last month or so though, she has begun to talk to him more and said to me that she wants to foster her friendship with him more. What am I to do? I can't get married with this friendship the way it is. I'm also afraid she will resent me for not being OK with it and it will cause issues down the road. She would in no way be ok if the tables were turned and I had a flirty female friend who was interested in more than friendship. Is this a show stopper?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She may be ready to get married but she's not ready to "be" married. In my opinion, commitment sufficient to qualify someone as "wife" dictates they don't go out with other guys, they don't talk about sexual stuff to other guys, and they don't engage in conduct that obviously troubles and distresses their intended partner. If she does this now, when she is still in "dating" mode, how do you think she will treat you when you are dangling from her stringer? Her message here is, "My happiness is more important to me than yours'." Believe her now and you can avoid hearing it repeated to you every day of your natural life. There are women capable of respect, commitment and fairness. Selfishness isn't cured by a wedding ring.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that it is perfectly normal to set some platonic boundaries. Keep in mind that if he really is a good friend, he will also back off and you should be the one to have that talk with him.
My guess is that if you a) talk to him and let him know where you both stand and, b) set down with your girl and set boundaries for both of you regarding opposite sex relationships, you'll figure it out.
Remember too, that with your girl there may need to be some compromise, with him, no. Set him straight and leave nothing to interpretation.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Boundries definately need to be set. She needs to understand that while she isn't interested in him, she is giving him mixed signals. If he wants a relationship with her, every time she acts touchy feely with him, he thinks there is hope. Even if that isn't her intent.

She needs to know that if she wants to be married to you, that she needs to stop encouraging him. Friendship is one thing, this is pushing the envelope. If he is a true friend to her, he'll want her to be happy and back off. If she is a true friend to him, she'll stop torturing him with mixed signals.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

This has trouble written all over it.

If your girlfriend is able to do this to you now, it is only going to get worse once you are married. This would be a huge 'red flag' to me, saying don't marry this girl. 

Marriage isn't easy. You need a partner that you can count on to put you ahead of everyone else in their life. She is telling you she won't do that. She won't do that now, when things are going well. Marriage isn't going to go well all the time. My advice would be to move on.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

I agree with just about everything that's being said here. Also, it sounds to me like she enjoys the attention. Even if you give her attention, some women have this need to feel pretty, sexy, whatever, from several different men, even if they aren't necessarily interested in the men giving them the attention. I don't know if it's a lack of self-esteem issue that this attention feeds. However, if you cannot get this straight with her, I highly suggest, that no matter how much you love her and may want to marry her, that you don't - because in the end you would not be happy and I don't think the marriage would last. Like others have said, there are other women out there who would show the respect that a marriage deserves that I'm sure you could love just as much, and probably even more because of the respect. It's hard, I know, but you may have to consider that.


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## Billymac (Nov 23, 2010)

Thanks for your replies. I feel that when you get married you should end all friendships that may be deemed as inappropriate or that could cause a misunderstanding between you and your spouse. I think you should place your relationship with your spouse at the top of any hierarchy if you want a relationship to be successful. Guarding it against anything that may harm it. I know I have some old fashioned qualities but that is who I am and what I believe. I guess to me this type of relationship with another man or woman is harmful. Obviously I'm here so it's causing me stress and confusion at the very least. To me it's a no brainer. I woudl not expect my wife to be OK with me having a friendship with another woman who openly finds me attractive and flirts with me. Even if it wasn't open I would not even consider maintaining a close friendship with someone that would cause my wife to feel uncomfortable or wonder what we talk about or if there is an unspoken attraction. I would love for some more women to chime in on this subject. It seems they are the ones who insist on maintaining these type of relationships while men seem to know better. what is going on here? Why do women feel it's OK to have friends that want to sleep with them. Do guys not have the ability to keep from sleeping with a woman that would be interested so they shy away from these types of friendships? Do women not realize these single desperate men are waiting to pounce?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

True on your last post. She could tell you till doomsday that they're "just friends", but seriously, how many posts on this site have someone who was cheated on heard those words in the beginning?
Now, she may very well INTEND to be faithful to you, but all it takes is her going for a girl's night out, getting drunk and then just "happening" to run into this guy...
And there seems to be a big point here: Right now, she will flirt, or willingly receive sexual innuendo from this guy while things are great between you-what happens when you make her mad, or you have a fight, or you're at work all the time and she starts to feel bored and lonely?
I would seriously think twice about marrying her.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

To be completely honest, this would really be a huge red flag for me. She seems like his attention a little too much and you should in no way be comfortable with this. I think that the likes the attention and she also likes the option of having a "friend" that she be with if she ever desired to do so. This just seems like a recipe for disaster. Good luck.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Billymac,

At the risk of sounding like I'm generalizing, I believe in general women can have close relationships with men, even talking about sex, etc. without ever thinking of them in a sexual way. I believe most men that engage in such conversations with women can more easily cause them to see the woman in a sexual way. I am not sure most women get this. 

You had me at 'they watched porn together' I cannot imagine doing this (well mainly because porn doesn't do anything for me but if it did) with anyone other than a serious boyfriend or husband, if married.

Bottom line, does she watch porn with her girlfriends too? I am guessing there is more to this friendship than friendships she has with other women. In addition to the social part of it, she is probably also flattered that he is attracted to her and wants more, even if she doesn't.

And I totally agree with you. I would not feel right at all having a male friend like that since I am married and would not feel right if my husband did either.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Billymac said:


> I feel that when you get married you should end all friendships that may be deemed as inappropriate or that could cause a misunderstanding between you and your spouse. I think you should place your relationship with your spouse at the top of any hierarchy if you want a relationship to be successful. Guarding it against anything that may harm it. I know I have some old fashioned qualities but that is who I am and what I believe.


 You are very balanced in your judgement, I totally 100% agree with everthing you say here, she is lucky to have a man who feels so stongly on this issue.



Billymac said:


> I guess to me this type of relationship with another man or woman is harmful.


 The one you have described definetely has the potential to be very harmful if not stopped. 



Billymac said:


> It seems they are the ones who insist on maintaining these type of relationships while men seem to know better. what is going on here? Why do women feel it's OK to have friends that want to sleep with them. Do guys not have the ability to keep from sleeping with a woman that would be interested so they shy away from these types of friendships? Do women not realize these single desperate men are waiting to pounce?



As a married woman who has a handful of male friends I talk too (but NEVER go out alone with), I will say that sometimes we do look at this a little differently. If we are not ATTRACTED physically to the male friend, it means almost nothing to us to hang with them & enjoy their company/conversation & never want anything more- ever. 

One of my best friends outside of my husband is a single guy. He loves to debate, read, write discuss history, he even loves the same rock bands as I ( him, me & husband are going to a concert tonight). Our common bond is purely all communication driven. He has decent morals & ALWAYS is respectful of my husband, as we are ONE, considers us BOTH his best friends. The boundaries are in place & have been for over 18 yrs. My husband has never felt uncomfortable or less of a priority. Never. He only comes over when my husband is home, but most of the interaction is between him & me, husband is simply less of a talker & debator. 

The Dynamics here are way different from what you describe in your situation though. 

The porn thing - that is simply outrageous. I would never in a million years want to do that with any of my male friends alone and IF I DID, it means I am surely CROSSING A LINE !! 

I do not feel committed couples should spend any amount of time alone with the opposite sex, but only hang with them "as a couple". This keeps healthy boundaries.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If she backed off and is now, after issuing a marriage ultimatum to you, picking up that friendship strongly again, it kind of sounds to me like she's getting a "back up" ready in case you don't come through with a proposal. I'd say she knows that he will marry her if she so much as hints at it, and she's decided she's ready to settle down, so she's giving you first shot, but prepping for him just in case. 

I would definitely tell her that there need to be boundaries. And if she won't set them, then to me, that would signal that she is not the one you want to marry.


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## FloridaITguy (Nov 4, 2010)

having a wife with a similar friend (well, minus the porn), you will need to set clear boundaries for her as to what you will accept and what you won't accept BEFORE it becomes a maritual problem (which it will at some point more than likely). If she doesn't want to respect your feelings before you get married, she won't afterwards. 

That's my two cents. I consider him a friend and know he wouldn't intentionally do anything to cause problems in our marriage, but I finally had to draw the line at overnite trips to concerts out of town and going out to bars. Lunches and talking on the phone, occaisional dinners are OK, but I finally had to explain to her that even though it's not a 'date' to her, it kind of is to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

As astruck says, she may be trying to figure out if she's making the right choice. She's still single. But, since you have made it clear your uncomfortable with it, she should at least keep it out of sight out of respect to you. I don't see any reason to rub your nose in it. The fact that she's doing so, in spite of your objections, shows a lack of respect. It's a really bad start for a marriage. Unless you're ok with getting walked on and not treated as a priority, I would let this one go - before she gets half your property. If you do get married, make sure you get a pre-nup.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She said that she wasn't interested in him, and that may be so, but she is definitely interested in what he, or other guys, say to her-particularly the kinds of things a woman wants to hear. She seems pretty stuck-up and selfish-the fact that she gave you an ultimatum says loud and clear that she intends to be the boss in this relationship. Then she goes and tries to foster her friendship with him-I agree with truckersgirl, she is keeping him along as a backup. And if you do marry her, he would probably be her "booty call" when you're being a jerk or not communicating with her. I know, my imagination runs wild with worst case scenarios.

But have you had a serious talk with her about this? And if you did, how did she respond? Did/would she agree and cool the jets with him? If so, I think your relationship has a fighting chance. Would she say "You're overreacting, it's all in your head", or the good old "Don't you trust me? Are you trying to control me?" Then there almost definitely be trouble. And if she comes back with "I don't care what you say, I can do what I want!", then make like a B-52 and take off.

There is only one "I" and "M-E" in "Marriage", and they're taken.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

billymac,
Do the both of you go out with her "friend" ?
If you do, how much affection does your girl show you when your out?
My take is, If my girl had a guy friend, well he's my friend too, so I in turn, he should be along for my friend ship, and there should be no problem with the three of us hanging out. The problem would start I your girl's "friend" had a problem with me, especially when I'm all over my chick in front of "friend"

It's amazing how jelousy can break up a "friendship"


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Billymac said:


> Hello. I'm in a great relationship except for one small issue. My girlfriend has a guy friend who she has known for a while. They met at a bar and he asked her out. *She went out with him *but it turned into just friendship. The details of how this turned into friendship are not something she has shared with me. She just wasn't attracted to him is the only thing she shares.
> 
> Red Flag #1
> 
> ...


First red flag is up for debate. Were you guys already dating when they went out? If so, i'm sorry that's a no-no. I've NEVER had a GF who met another guy and when out on a date with them. What happens before me is out of my hands. 

2nd Red Flag is that you aren't going to be pawing up my girl... especially in my presence. I've give her the respect of mentioning it to her how weird that is... the 1st time i saw it. The 2nd time i'd have to put them both on blast publicly. 

3rd Red Flag...I have no desire to watch porm with anyone else besides my wife, what would i look like watching with some other chick. How did they even find themselves in that predicament??? 

And Finally for the last one, wtf is going on here. Why do you need to bring this guy even closer in the mix??? It seems as though to me they were close enough already.

It looks like to me she loves the attention this guy gives her, and i totally think its relevant to her wanting you to step up and propose. Its like the guy who wants more sex at home, and flaunts to his wife/gf that the sexy coworker at his job who's 5 years younger with the sexy bod is really into him... basically if you don't step and hanle your business this chick will!!! You hit the nail on the head with the boundaries thing. She needs to understand that her behaivor with this guy is not acceptable. You shouldn't have to intervene.. .unless it becomes a problem. I had this guy at my wife's job who liked her and made it known despite the fact that we were engaged that he still wanted to pursue her. My wife brought to my attention, i calmly told her, if she can't convince him to back up, i gurantee i can. She's playing a dangerous game that can lead to someone getting hurt, both emotionally and physically.
Lay down the law man!


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## Billymac (Nov 23, 2010)

Thanks for all the replies. I know you are only getting my side of the story. To clear some things up, he asked her out years before we started dating. They have been friends for years before we started dating. That being said, he has also made it known he remains open to something other than friendship. As for the porn issue, they didn't watch porn they looked at magazines and then he dropped a couple of magazines off at her house when we first started dating. I think it was kind of a joke maybe. Apparently she was over at his house with a bunch if his buddies and they broke out an old box of them. Weird in any case. She has slowed down her communications with this guy in the last 6 months to a couple of phone calls a month until recently and they have been talking a couple of time a week now. She does not go out drinking with him and his buddies anymore as I had a big problem with it. 

I guess right now my problem is I don't want her to not see this guy or to not do the things she used to because I want her to stop but because it's the right thing to do if you want to be married, etc. If she only does this because it's what I want then it will never last. I do think she has used this guy as a falling back point when she was single. She would take him with her to social events and he was her stand in date for lots of things. Things you were expected to bring a date to like Christmas parties and weddings. We had another talk last night. I explained my feelings very honestly and explained it was a show stopper. I'm just going to let it play out and see what happens. I'm definitely not one to get walked on in any way. I have no problem bouncing.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Billymac said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I know you are only getting my side of the story. To clear some things up, *he asked her out years before we started dating.* They have been friends for years before we started dating. That being said, *he has also made it known he remains open to something other than friendship*. As for the porn issue, they didn't watch porn they looked at magazines and then he dropped a couple of magazines off at her house when we first started dating. I think it was kind of a joke maybe. Apparently she was over at his house with a bunch if his buddies and they broke out an old box of them. Weird in any case. She has slowed down her communications with this guy in the last 6 months to a couple of phone calls a month until recently and they have been talking a couple of time a week now. She does not go out drinking with him and his buddies anymore as I had a big problem with it.
> 
> I guess right now my problem is I don't want her to not see this guy or to not do the things she used to because I want her to stop but because it's the right thing to do if you want to be married, etc. If she only does this because it's what I want then it will never last. I do think she has used this guy as a falling back point when she was single. She would take him with her to social events and he was her stand in date for lots of things. Things you were expected to bring a date to like Christmas parties and weddings. We had another talk last night. I explained my feelings very honestly and explained it was a show stopper. I'm just going to let it play out and see what happens. I'm definitely not one to get walked on in any way. I have no problem bouncing.


Then i redraw my first Red Flag, and raise another one. See you can't have a guy on your hip... that still has intense feelings for you. I'm sorry, and this goes to other ladies as well, you can't have a close guy friend you hang out with, who is an IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS to get to his penis. Relationships don't work this way. You (OP) aren't allowed to have a friend around you would would love nothing better to do than suck your c-ck. Well she can't have a backup guy just a phone call away who is into her. You said it yourself. If she offered it...he'd come running. And i am supposed to be okay with you hanging with a guy who wants you this badly. You are right in going about it the right way, but she needs to learn, if she wants you to step up and wife her. Then she had better learn to step up and demonstrate wife material. Let me guess, she's between the ages of 23-25?


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