# Are we headed for a Seperation or Divorce?



## dazedandconfused1 (Dec 17, 2011)

I have been with my Husband since I was 18 years old. We got married when I was 22 and had our son when I was 25. I am now 26 and feel as though we are headed for a split. 

1.) For most of the relationship (6+ years) including before we were married, there has been VERY little sexual activity. I love being intimate and my husband couldn't care less. When I was pregnant, we had sex 4x in 9 months! 

2.) On top of that he was laid off almost a year ago when our son was only 4 months old, and he is still now unemployed. He also does nothing but play video games, watch tv, and hang out with our son all day. I am a go getter in every way, and he is MUCH MORE laid back, thinking he can do things at whatever pace suits him. He has always been this way, even through college, dropping and failing classes each and every semester. It took him 7 years to get a 4 year degree. 

3.) When we fight he has little to no input to offer other than to blame everything on me "being so witchy". For example "we dont have sex because your attitude puts me out of the mood". 

I feel like we are polar opposites which always seemed to work somehow, but now it is our demise. 
He is a great Dad but I am fed up and feel there is no simple solution or hope for change without becoming people we are not.
Is there anyone with any advice on this?


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

If you need him to change to make it work that may not be very good sign. Most people expect to mature as they get older but my soon to be ex simply got older not more responsible. Be realistic, talk to him and accept you can't make someone change. If he doesn't realize it's a problem that's one thing. If he knows it is a problem and you can't live with it decide now. Before you have more kids and spend more time, it's easier to move on at 26 than 36 or 46. Easier to move on with 1 child not, 2,3,4...
Good luck


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

OK, first of all, there are three sides to every story: yours, theirs, and the "truth". We're just hearing your side of the story but I guarantee the "truth" isn't quite the way you're painting it. I'm sure if we talked to your husband we would be getting quite a different story. You have resentment about your "lazy" husband. People deal with pain different ways. My bet is your husband is avoiding pain by "self medicating" himself with distractions like video games, etc. instead of confronting the problem. That's not good to be sure, but you both need to deal with the problems instead of the symptoms. You're *****ing about a lot of symptoms. You need to start talking to your husband about the problems (e.g. unspoken resentment, unmet needs in the relationship, etc.)

As far as the lack of sex: besides the fact that sex starts in the brain and having resentment, etc. in the relationship makes getting off first base extremely difficult, have you ever been brutally honest with your husband about your sexual needs? Has your husband been brutally honest about his needs (yes, he has them!) And I mean brutally honest! When you do have sex is it good for you? Does he get you there? If he doesn't do you tell him? If he doesn't do you fake it to protect his feelings? If he's not satisfying you and you're faking it then you are being deceitful in the relationship. Men aren't mind readers. Maybe the reason you're not having more sex is because the sex you have isn't good sex. Contrary to popular belief, most men aren't selfish lovers. Most men really do want to get their partners off and when they can't it becomes extremely frustrating for the man. Sometimes it becomes so frustrating that the man actually would rather avoid having sex instead of getting frustrated yet again. Maybe the two of you aren't sexually attractive to each other right now. Be brutally honest! If you're not, you need to tell each other what it is that turns you on! Take the TV out of the bedroom, turn on the red light and music!

I've seen it time and again and men and women both are guilty of it. Men communicate with women as if they were men and women communicate with men as if they were women. You both need to change that thinking! Men and women are very different creatures with very different needs!


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