# How do you really tell when your marriage is either in trouble Advice Please?



## time2flyok (Dec 31, 2009)

How do you really tell when your marriage is either in trouble or if just in a funk? 

I am not sure on that answer, should you be able to talk to your wife about anything from money to how you feel about the relationship? If you do should it be a confrontation more then a conversation? How much should sex be in a marriage and how much is enough?


I am not sure where to start so let me hit some cliffnotes and maybe it will flow better. i have been married now for 20 years, and it seems that my wife and i have less in common then ever. It starts to feel and really is more like a roommate then a wife. My wife seems to yell constantly and swears all the time also , which i have asked her to stop but she has not. When i mention previous about talking i can say something to the affect as simple as i cut my finger, you would think she would ask how. I hear "i have cuts on my hand too and i am not complaining about them" or if i said my back hurts then "it is my body hurts me all the time also" this is just an example of many responses that i hear.

I am trying to understand if it is just me who notices these things or does she not realize that , if i try to tell her i hear poor poor you. When i say it is like having a roommate it is because i do work all the time ( average 65 hours), i also cook 90% of the meals here . I wash the dishes then after and i do the 70% of the laundry , when my wife does my clothes they are never folded they are thrown on the floor in a pile and sit there for me to take care of. A few years back i asked her to go to counseling with me she told me and i quote " there is nothing wrong with her, so if i think i need it then you go" I did go just to talk to the counsler and now when we get in an arguement i hear " what did the counsler say"? How did she say to handle it! I have gone 15 years without a gift for my birthday or xmas not even from our kids to me , while i never miss anything. One year while we were in bed the phone rang about 11:00pm and i answered it , i listened on the phone it was my mom singing me Happy Birthday i talked to her for a second afterwards told her i Love her also and hung up. My wife then asked who was that i told her it was my mom, she asked what did she want. I told her she wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday before the day ended, my wife looked at me and said.. oh yeah today is your birthday she laughed and said i am sorry.. i forgot ...to this day it is now a party joke to her and really i do not view it that way.


I mentioned about sex previous what is enough, we hardly ever have any so that is why i am curious. If i am lucky it is once every 3 months and i have to inintate it or i would never get it . We went on a trip where i tried to inintate it every night.. when i asked during those times for certain things i heard no.. it is just too much work.. then on the last days there i figured let me not try anymore and i wont until she does come to me and try , it has now been 6 months and nothing. So maybe she is not that into me. 


I can go on and on thru the years about things and can but wanted to get this off my chest and see what others say before i continue.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Let me start off by saying I am sorry for you. You are kind and considerate. You have allowed yourself to be treated like a doormat for a long long time and your wife simply has no respect for you. 

I know how this happened - so first let me say that this is a very common situation. You see it all happened so gradually. In the beginning she was way nicer/different and then she slowly got to where she is with you. 

OK - the ONLY way you can improve this type situation is if you use SHOCK therapy. So how far are you willing to take this until she starts to change?
- Are you really willing to have CONFLICT with a capital C with her?
- Are you willing to stop celebrating holidays/HER birthday etc
- Willing to hire a housekeeper and cut back on her discretionary spending to pay for it since she seems unwilling to do her fair share of total workload?
- Willing to take up some hobbies and basically eliminate your alone time with her?
- Are you willing to literally stop talking to her about anything other then critical scheduling things?

If nothing changes are you willing to move out of the bedroom? 

If you do the stuff above - and then demand counselling before you will even consider a return to the previous arrangement, she may agree to go. 

The stuff above will get her attention in a huge way. She will try to bully you into getting back in line. But you can't bully someone who ignores you. It doesn't work. And she will fold like a cheap card table if you tell her that you simply won't respond to any words unless they are spoken in a polite, respectful manner. 

Are you actually willing to leave the marriage if she won't change? Because if you are NOT, and if you are not even willing to start demanding certain boundaries are respected, she is going to continue to wipe her feet on you on her way in and out of the house and continue to ignore you sexually. 

I have never hit my wife - nor threatened to. I do not scream at her or use profane language with her. But my wife has a healthy fear of me. A fear that informs her actions when she is angry and tempted to lash out. A fear born from emotionally painful experience. I also have a healthy fear of my wife and treat her the same way I wish to be treated. Neither of us walks on eggshells at all - very relaxed really. BUT both are aware that bad behavior will result in a powerful reaction from the other. So we play nicely with each other even under duress. 

You CAN make this better if you are determined. 



time2flyok said:


> How do you really tell when your marriage is either in trouble or if just in a funk?
> 
> I am not sure on that answer, should you be able to talk to your wife about anything from money to how you feel about the relationship? If you do should it be a confrontation more then a conversation? How much should sex be in a marriage and how much is enough?
> 
> ...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Goodmorning, 
I think your situation sounds like a lot like some of the stories on this forum, she sounds like she is very resentful for whatever reasons....
You have to try to figure that out if you want to change things. try reading the 5 languages of love by gary champman and try to figure out how to turn things around......
I think this can be fixed, you can start and hopefully she will react to the changes she sees....good luck


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## Hurtssomuch (Jan 2, 2010)

time2flyok

I am sorry for what you are going through.

I can give you a woman's perspective on this.

I have not been the nicest person to my husband over the years, not as bad as your wife but still not the nicest.

We have been married for 13 years but have been together for 20 years and it has finally taken it's tole on him. He has told me over the years that he does not like the way I treat him and he wonders how someone who loves you would act this way. We have communication problems, when ever he wants to talk I just shut down and don't want to hear it, I do and say what I can to make myself feel better so I don't get hurt but in the process I have hurt my husband badly. He feels he has been beaten down.

Now he has told me he is unhappy and needs time to think whether he wants to stay in our marriage or leave. Even though he has told me similar things over the years I just did not listen until he said he might want to leave. That is when it became real thinking I am lose my husband. I took him for granted and just assumed he would be here forever. I love my husband very much and he still loves me unfortunately that just may not be enough for him anymore. Since he has told me he needs time to think if he still wants to be with me I realized what I have put him through over the years and am working on myself. So basically what I am telling you is it had to take my husband threatening to leave for me to wake up and realize what I have done over the years.

He still has not made his decision about staying or leaving but in the mean time I have started working on myself and how I have been treating him. It maybe too late for us but I am not giving up hope. not until he actually moves out.

I suggest you talk to her, really talk to her and let her know that you are thinking about leaving and see what happens. At first she may not give you what you want but give her some time to think about it and if she really wants your marriage to work out she will get help.

I hope thinks work out and good luck.


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## time2flyok (Dec 31, 2009)

Thank You for the advice , Hurtsomuch you mention that you also had/have communication problems, was your husband able to come to you and tell you? I think one of the things you do say is that you hurt your husband badly , my wife does not view that she thinks that is just life. 

How doyou answer a question like this , one time my oldest son came to me and said " What do you exactly see in mom?" I told him that is his mother and never say a bad word about her. But really kinda avoided the question. The key i am trying to figure out is how did it get like this, and can or if I want it now to be fixed. At somepoint you think this is not so bad , but then when you sit back and think of everything i believe i deserve/need so much more.

I have sat here and read a few post where they always mention " The Grass is always Greener" syndrone, but is it as brown as what i am currently dealing with.

Let me throw a recent example where maybe it is nothing but in my head i believe it to be different. My wife told me of her office xmas party on a Monday that it is the upcoming Saturday and she said i do not think i am going to go, because i do not want to see them anyway. Well the whole week came and she mentioned it a few times not about going just about that it was Saturday , well Saturday came and she was working all day i was with the boys at home doing what we do . She came home about 4:00 and about 5:00 she asked me what i want to do? I said not sure what you are referring too since we were doing nothing , she then mentioned that someone from work was going to call her so they can ride to the xams party maybe with us. I looked at her and said " We do not have anyone for the one boy(12) to watch him, i also just worked out and was sweaty and dirty and was not prepared to go. I said you go then i will stay home and watch him , she said " I do not want to drive". The answer was not i do not want to go if you are not it was " I do not want to drive" let alone she was planning on driving someone else there or "I" was to drive someone else there. Well needless to say she did go to the party , she found a ride with someone else who worked with her. I stayed home and watched my boys , now i ask you . Do you believe that she had ever intention on going all along or was it a "spur" of the moment decision. In my head i think she planned on going and did not want me to know until last minute , the reason behind this is she did the same at a bonfire situation earlier in the year came home one day and said they are having a bonfire she don't "want" to go but she should make an appearance. So that time again i stayed home with the boys and her ride left her at the bonfire to do something else, so instead of getting a ride when that person left she decided she should stay and get a ride by someone else. 

I really do have many instances , of this also. This can range from not going where i wanted too because she was too tired after work to her going after work because it was something she wanted to do.

This past weekend i took the boys on a road trip to see the local sports team play, she was working on the Saturday and i called her in the morning to talk for a second . She said they just called her to do something and she does not have time , the whole day passed and she finally called me back at 5:30pm to tell me she jsut got home from work and was meeting a few friends to do something. 
What i found odd was she did not ask me or the boys how was the game , was it fun , what did you do? She then hung up and got ready and went out with her friends? Would you not have called back n the morning after i called when you had a free minute to see what was up or how things were, and would you not ask after work the boys how was everything?

Just something i noticed. Well something oldest one noticed also he told me since when is she "courtest"

Oh well enough of my rant


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## Hurtssomuch (Jan 2, 2010)

I did not really realize what I did to my husband until he said he wanted to leave the marriage. That is when I started thinking about things over the years and realized part of what I did contributed to him feeling this way.


I feel very bad for what my husband is going through and my part in it. He feels he needs to leave to try and work this out.
He wants a trial separation. He does tell me this does not mean the marriage is over he just needs this separation.

Maybe what you need to do is a trial separation. Is there someplace you or your wife can go for a while. Maybe if she is by herself she will realize what she wants. One thing I will tell you is letting them have this separation is going to be very difficult. I am willing to do this for my H because he needs this to help him get on and decide whether he wants our marriage to work out or not. There maybe a chance he does not come back and realize that he wants to be on his own and end our marriage. I have to take that chance for him. He needs this and I want to help him. I feel very guilty for my part in our marriage getting to this point. 

I just want him to be happy.

I would not be thinking this way if he had not told me he wanted to leave that is what woke me up it scared the sh** out of me because I want to spend the rest of my life with my H.

This is all new to me also. This just happenend over the holidays. I am trying to deal with it the best I can. This may not work for you and your W.

Keep in touch and keep posting we are here to help each other.


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## time2flyok (Dec 31, 2009)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What was i thinking!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you know what you do that your wife doesn't like? Another forum calls these things Love Busters, or LBs. Every time you do an LB, it drains her love for you a little. For example, my H never gets around to fixing things. If I ask him to hang something up, he usually just won't. It will sit there. For years. Every time I see what I asked him to hang up, sitting on the floor, waiting, it becomes an LB and drains my love for him a little. If there are a few such things that you do, she will fall out of love with you, and give you the attitude you're describing. If you find out those things, and stop doing them, she will be less unhappy around you.

Then, if you find out what her main needs are, her Emotional Needs, and meet them, she'll be even happier with you. Things like conversation, recreation, domestic support... find out what matters to her in a husband, and start making sure you provide it for her.

Once you do that, and it becomes a habit, she'll start being happier, and she'll start wanting to make YOU happy. Sounds odd, but it really works.


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