# To leave or not



## Torn999 (5 mo ago)

Hi all, I’ve been married to my husband for the last 6 years, known him from 12 years since we met in Uni days. Through my school years and starting years of my career he supported me but once we moved back to our home country the roles became reversed. It took him a few years to settle down in a job and our parents were finally accepting of the union.

fastforward to now, we have a house he has a start up I had a good career but it hasn’t come without it’s issue.

i supported him financially over the last 6 years when he opened his company which I had no issue doing but also ended up taking over a very motherly type of role. His mother spoilt him and I basically did the same giving in to everything he wanted and basically dedicated my life I guess you could say to making sure he was happy and comfortable.

a few years ago I cheated on him and once it ended I told him the truth (maybe a mistake of mine) after that it’s been rocky. He has very big Confidence issues from young and it’s just gotten worse. I tried my best to make things up to him, and blamed myself a lot but 1.5 years ago I met an old friend and i had an affair again. We fell in love and now want to be together (both in very unhappy marriages). I think my need to seek outside my Marriage is a problem in itself

i haven’t been intimate with my husband in over 2 years and since my marriage I can count the number on my fingers. He comes across wanting to be a voyeur and more submissive of nature which I do not enjoy.

He’s a very good and kind person but in the last year he has been drinking everyday non stop. He told me it’s because he knows I’m cheating on him and is just been accepting it. Not abusive but I sleep every night scared he will confront me about something

I want to leave him, because although he is my best friend, I can’t seem him as a partner , lover or future father but the guilt of it is tearing me inside because I don’t know if I have the courage to.

either remain with him and shove all my unhappiness inside and pretend which I feel like I’m doing everyday or get out. I’ve thought about trying to save the marriage but I don’t even think I want that anymore. He has no idea how unhappy I am every day and just tells me I need to try to make things better. He even is against me seeing a counsellor because he does not believe in it

we live in a very closed community and society so I am aware that if I choose to do this I will be ostracised from everyone. I can live with that. I just Don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to set him free. You becoming a mother figure to him was a mistake and killed the sex. Not sexy once one of the couple becomes a parent figure.

So little wonder you lost attraction. But you should have divorced before you ever got with another man and he is not going to get over that. Don't you think it's time he learned to stand on his own two feet and take care of himself? It would be hard at first but it would be a confidence builder as long as he doesn't just go right back out and find another woman to take care of him like a child. 

I think you owe him that chance. You need to get an attorney and do everything fair and get out so that he has to learn to move on. 

Good luck. Don't parent your next man.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Torn999 said:


> Hi all, I’ve been married to my husband for the last 6 years, known him from 12 years since we met in Uni days. Through my school years and starting years of my career he supported me but once we moved back to our home country the roles became reversed. It took him a few years to settle down in a job and our parents were finally accepting of the union.
> 
> fastforward to now, we have a house he has a start up I had a good career but it hasn’t come without it’s issue.
> 
> ...


So you're banging everyone but your husband, and boo hoo because his way of coping with your affairs and sexless marriage is to drink? Poor you. AND he might even confront you?  How awful.

You're doing this to yourself. Stop being a ****ty person, problem solved. 

What a great way to treat your "best friend" .

Divorce him and run off into the sunset with your affair partner. It won't be all rainbows and unicorns though. That relationship will like end the same way it began - with cheating.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think you should set him free. The dynamics of your marriage are filled with problems from him being a mommy boy to you having zero hots for him.  You should be done with it and just move on. The affairs are likely to continue if you stay with him. Best friends don’t make good husbands. There needs to be that lover attraction for it to work


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You are a horrible, unfit wife, and your husband is too weak and passive to keep you in line or enforce boundaries or standards in your marriage. And you are certainly not his best friend.
There is no righting this ship, just divorce and move on.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure what you are asking here. Are you looking for advice on how to dump your husband now that you have discovered your true self? Are you hoping to convince us that it is because you were "mothering" him and that is justification for you to bang all of Poland? You really need to fix yourself as there is something wrong with you. Maybe you are just not marriage material - certainly do not go into another "relationship" with what ever crap head you think is in love with you or you are in love with him. Why is he a crap head you ask - it is because he knew you were married and still pursued you instead of advising you to sort out your marriage first (one way or another). And he himself is married!!! I hope there are no kids involved in this sordid situation. Send your husband here so that we can help him deal with the fallout from this.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Wow your poor husband chose the worst kind of wife, being a serial cheater. You shouldn't have married the poor guy. I'd hate to be your enemy if this is how you treat your friends. Let your husband go so he can find someone who doesn't offer him sloppy seconds, and meet a genuine lady and love him. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Torn999 said:


> I just Don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.


Nothing that you have done has been right, so why are you worried about doing the right thing now?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Your cheating has turned him into alcoholic. Way to be his “best friend”. With friends like that, who needs enemies?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Torn999 said:


> Hi all, I’ve been married to my husband for the last 6 years, known him from 12 years since we met in Uni days. Through my school years and starting years of my career he supported me but once we moved back to our home country the roles became reversed. It took him a few years to settle down in a job and our parents were finally accepting of the union.
> 
> fastforward to now, we have a house he has a start up I had a good career but it hasn’t come without it’s issue.
> 
> ...


You really seem to point to your husband's behavior a lot, as if that's the problem.

His issues might very well be a problem, but you should also look in the mirror. The post you made and the description of how you see things clearly reveals that you are not a quality person. It's no wonder you have relationship issues.

Unless you can fix your own brokenness, you will always have a submissive simp for a mate. Because anyone with a spine will kick you to the curb.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your affairs are yours to own but the demise of your marriage isn’t only your fault. It’s interesting that when cheating is discovered in a marriage, it sort of lets the other spouse who wasn’t sexual, wasn’t contributing, was lazy etc off the hook.

That said, your husband’s behavior didn’t lead you to other men. You had the option to leave. That option is always there to anyone considering having an affair.

You can’t undo what you did but I wouldn’t run off with the AP, either. You may think he’s “the one” but you shouldn’t need men to rescue you out of your marriage. My advice fwiw, is to end this marriage, and move to another area if possible. Get counseling and start over.

Your husband will find his way. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that you did this because he has issues too that will only be addressed if he stands on his own.

Some marriages aren’t meant to be, and I don’t see the point in struggling to stay together.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

One of the worst things I’ve read.leave. You don’t know what live is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Are you ok with destroying 2 families? If your affair partners marriage is so awful then why hasn't he got divorced? Why haven't you if yours is so awful. 
You do realise that people who cheat lie about their marriages and spouses? 
Has he got children? Does his wife know her awful spouse is cheating?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Oh my God.

poor you. Are you sad? This has got to be so tough On you since you’ll be ostracized by your community for being a cheater.

in the adult world, we call that living with the consequences of your actions.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wouldn’t thinking cheating is a good idea in Singapore. Don’t they flog people there.


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