# Doing the 180



## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

It's been 10 months since D-Day and now that I got my wife pregnant, I want to do the 180. I actually started doing it to her on Sunday and she basically seems to care less. 

I'm wondering how most WW react to the 180?
I was hoping she would at least ask me what's wrong but she's just ignoring me right back.

I don't want to stop doing it because a month after D-Day, I left and went to Arkansas to stay with my son but after 3 weeks, I missed her so much that I went back. We had a fight a few weeks ago and she threw that in my face. She said I came "crawling back" and it really pissed my off.

Why am I all of the sudden doing a 180?
Well, I was able to get into her Facebook account and I saw that she had done a FB search on her AP and I didn't say anything because I want to continue to monitor her account but it was really shocking to see that.

I guess my question is: how long before I see the 180 affect her?


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Steve, you're leaving her for Costa Rica, are you not? She's already detaching from you which makes sense if you are leaving. She's also pregnant, which reeks havoc with a woman's emotions. 

She gave you her Facebook login but didn't bother to delete her search history. She obviously doesn't care what you find there. 

What do you want to do, leave her or try to reconcile the marriage? If you want to leave than why do you care what her reaction to the 180 is? If you want to stay, than tell her what you expect her to do and than sit back and see if she goes it. But don't be surprised if she tells you that it doesn't matter since you are leaving her anyhow.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@blahfridge

Thanks for the reply and what you say makes sense: she knows I'm going so she probably is detaching. Just one thing:



> She gave you her Facebook login but didn't bother to delete her search history. She obviously doesn't care what you find there.


She didn't give me her FB login; she gave me her hotmail login which is linked to her FB. As far as I know, she has no idea I've been monitoring her FB.

I guess I'm just curious or vain: how do WW usually react to the 180?

To be honest, she's right about that "crawling back" comment. It seems I'm always going to her, not necessarily saying sorry but just reaching out to her. I'd like her her to come "crawling back" to me.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

A true 180 means you need to detach from her. You don't care what she does where she goes, nothing.

You need to deal with you and only you. No arguments, no explaining, no debate.

One word replies if you have to communicate. If you start engaging in conversation and debate with her, you are not following the 180.

She is checking in on her AP. You can always tell her, "I know you've been following up with douchbag so this makes leaving you even easier". But don't make it a 2 way convo. Just a parting shot.

The 180 response will likely depend on several things. It she has access and support from the OM then may take longer.

If she's financially dependent on you then probably faster but not because of the reasons you WANT her to be responding to you.

A woman who is pregnant and still contacting another guy? That speaks volumes man. 

Too bad you went back to her and she got pregnant. But my advice is save your sanity and divorce her. Don't let the kid trap you into a life of misery.



americansteve said:


> @blahfridge
> 
> Thanks for the reply and what you say makes sense: she knows I'm going so she probably is detaching. Just one thing:
> 
> ...


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

a 180 takes time. For now she thinks you are just piss...ed off at her and giving her the silent treatment. If you continue the 180 for the next 2 - 3 weeks she should start to realise that you mean business.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

americansteve said:


> * I actually started doing it to her on Sunday * sigh
> .
> 
> *I guess my question is: how long before I see the 180 affect her?
> ...



Now altogether now..The 180 is not for.....


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I thought on the other thread you hadn't decided if you wanted to divorce yet or not?

So, how did you have a D-Day 10 months ago?

Unless people use that phrase differently.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> A true 180 means you need to detach from her. You don't care what she does where she goes, nothing.
> 
> You need to deal with you and only you. No arguments, no explaining, no debate.
> 
> ...


Doing a Facebook search only proves that she is thinking about the OM. Still bad, but I did that for a while with my EA OM until I realized that it was just making it take longer to get over him. 

It seems to me you need to decide what you want Steve, and running away from your wife and family isn't going to solve that. I would stop all this trying to see if she will respond to your ignoring her and either ask her up front whether or not she wants a true R. If so, then you both need to work on it. You're doing the 180 for the wrong reasons. It's supposed to be for you, not her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, you need to understand that doing the 180 is primarily for you - to help you heal yourself mentally and get to a better place - not to get a response from her!


As for your situation, this is the way I see it from what you have said so far:

You are irresponsible and selfish and pursue job opportunities that you enjoy and like at the expense of being with your family - this wanderlust or need to be the educator in foreign places is something that you want to do but is not necessarily conducive to helping your marriage or family.

Your wife is a liar and a cheat! Whatever she felt, she did not have to cheat. She should have divorced you, got support and then gone on to do whatever she wanted.

So a fine pair!!!!


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

americansteve said:


> I'm wondering how most WW react to the 180?
> I was hoping she would at least ask me what's wrong but she's just ignoring me right back.


You just answered your own question IMMEDIATELY after asking it.

The wives LOVE the 180. "He's FINALLY leaving me alone"!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

americansteve said:


> doing it to her


You are doing it WRONG. Wrong wrong wrong wrong.

You don't 'do it to' anyone. The 180 is not a tool to use to manipulate, cajole or otherwise influence another person. 

*The 180 is something you do for YOU. YOU and YOU ALONE.*

Until you realize and internalize this, you will fail at whatever it is you're trying to do to your wife.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

americansteve said:


> I guess I'm just curious or vain: how do WW usually react to the 180?


My XWW didn't care because she was so fixated on her AP at the time. But then again I don't care either, so I must have done it right.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If initally it doesn't work and she is indifferent, I'm not sure that a 180 really ever will have an effect. Of course I'm only basing this on my own experience which I'm sure is not typical of what would normally happen.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sure, yours is typical of the posters who think it is done to get their spouses to notice them. It is MAINLY for you to learn how to detach, become independent and stronger. People still uses it as a passive aggressive manipulation tactic and then talk about how it doesn't work. In your case, it showed you your wife didn't care. Now, if you really used it to focus on yourself it worked well because you no longer cared, in the same manner as when your marriage started falling apart.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Doing the 180 now is like fixing the barn door after your neighbour has rounded up your stray cattle, bbq'd them, and had a feast.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

americansteve said:


> I guess my question is: how long before I see the 180 affect her?


Maybe never. It is for you to detach, grow and recover-not to sway her to come back. In the beginning I was hoping my CHEXW would see a difference, see the me she "fell in love with" way back when, and try to reconcile. She didn't , I got a little disappointed but now my on the mend broken hard has a helluva lot more contempt and disappointment for her than love. I will always love her some, we were married and had a life together. But now I just don't care...


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

Well, I got my reaction!

Today was the 16th week checkup on the baby and there was an ultrasound to be done. Since I work from home, I drop the girls off at school, take my wife to work and come home. This morning she says like usual "Steve" meaning lets go. Today she took the morning off for the doctors appointment so I said, no need for me to go. You drop the girls off, go to the appointment and come back and I'll take you to work. I heard the slightest whine. So when she comes back, she says real meekly "can you take me to work now?" So in silence I just get up and walk out the door and she follows. About 10 minutes into ride I start to hear sniffles and then a little quiet weeping and then crying and then she composed herself.

Now I feel bad.

Maybe I should cut her some slack; she is pregnant and the kid is probably mine.

But it worked! 
The good ol' 180!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So the goal is to see her cry?

Seriously, why not leave for Costa Rica now if the goal is emotionally abusing a woman pregnant with your child until you decide to leave? 

You didn't go with her? You honestly have no care or concern if your child is safe and healthy?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@Starstarfish



> So the goal is to see her cry?
> 
> Seriously, why not leave for Costa Rica now if the goal is emotionally abusing a woman pregnant with your child until you decide to leave?
> 
> You didn't go with her? You honestly have no care or concern if your child is safe and healthy?


I was hoping to get a reaction - not necessarily tears; maybe like "what's wrong?" or "you seem upset?" but yes, I'll settle for tears.

You know when I confronted her with evidence of the affair, she also broke into tears and cried uncontrollably but just because she got caught. She's never shown any remorse, she never apologized and she doesn't even think she did anything wrong. All she says is she made a mistake. And until I get a paternity test, I'm not even sure that baby is mine.

My wife is heartless. I don't buy her crocodile tears.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

americansteve said:


> Well, I got my reaction!
> 
> Today was the 16th week checkup on the baby and there was an ultrasound to be done. Since I work from home, I drop the girls off at school, take my wife to work and come home. This morning she says like usual "Steve" meaning lets go. Today she took the morning off for the doctors appointment so I said, no need for me to go. You drop the girls off, go to the appointment and come back and I'll take you to work. I heard the slightest whine. So when she comes back, she says real meekly "can you take me to work now?" So in silence I just get up and walk out the door and she follows. About 10 minutes into ride I start to hear sniffles and then a little quiet weeping and then crying and then she composed herself.
> 
> ...


No it didn't.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

americansteve said:


> Well, I got my reaction!
> 
> .......
> Now I feel bad.
> ...


Do you even READ what people reply to you?????

wow.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@americansteve

*QFT (Quoted For Truth):*



Hope1964 said:


> You are doing it WRONG. Wrong wrong wrong wrong.
> 
> You don't 'do it to' anyone. The 180 is not a tool to use to manipulate, cajole or otherwise influence another person.
> 
> ...


What you succeeded in doing is punishing, manipulating, and attempting to control your STBXW. You did not succeed in detaching, growing personally, or recovering. 

What you did was not the 180. It was "the cold shoulder" at best, and abuse at worst.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

americansteve said:


> Well, I got my reaction!
> 
> Today was the 16th week checkup on the baby and there was an ultrasound to be done. Since I work from home, I drop the girls off at school, take my wife to work and come home. This morning she says like usual "Steve" meaning lets go. Today she took the morning off for the doctors appointment so I said, no need for me to go. You drop the girls off, go to the appointment and come back and I'll take you to work. I heard the slightest whine. So when she comes back, she says real meekly "can you take me to work now?" So in silence I just get up and walk out the door and she follows. About 10 minutes into ride I start to hear sniffles and then a little quiet weeping and then crying and then she composed herself.
> 
> ...


Well done!! It worked. So proud of you:grin2:


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

americansteve said:


> @Starstarfish
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's BS Steve on your part. You said in your other thread that she was willing to do the paternity test but just wanted you to pay for it. I think you know full well that the baby is yours. You've admitted it in several times. 

Whether or not your wife is truly heartless is not for us to decide, certainly she is a cheater. We are only getting your side of the story and I gotta tell you, you don't come across as a compassionate person at all. 
Anger over your wife's affair is justified, of course, but it should not extend to treating your unborn child like a pawn in a chess game of revenge. Talk about heartless.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

blahfridge said:


> Whether or not your wife is truly heartless is not for us to decide, certainly she is a cheater. We are only getting your side of the story and I gotta tell you, you don't come across as a compassionate person at all.
> Anger over your wife's affair is justified, of course, but it should not extend to treating your unborn child like a pawn in a chess game of revenge. Talk about heartless.


It's been a consistent issue across the board on all of his threads, I will say that.

Steve,

Couple of questions for you if you don't mind. Would you discuss your first marriage a bit?

How long? How did that one go South and what was your role in its demise?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

americansteve said:


> Well, I got my reaction!
> 
> Today was the 16th week checkup on the baby and there was an ultrasound to be done. Since I work from home, I drop the girls off at school, take my wife to work and come home. This morning she says like usual "Steve" meaning lets go. Today she took the morning off for the doctors appointment so I said, no need for me to go. You drop the girls off, go to the appointment and come back and I'll take you to work. I heard the slightest whine. So when she comes back, she says real meekly "can you take me to work now?" So in silence I just get up and walk out the door and she follows. About 10 minutes into ride I start to hear sniffles and then a little quiet weeping and then crying and then she composed herself.
> 
> ...


"What you don't know about women is a lot" - Olympia Dukakis, Moonstruck


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

Damn!
So I picked up my wife and my older daughter asked her how the doctor's appointment went and my wife just broke out crying and crying. They couldn't find a heartbeat and the doctor said the baby passed away. They have to take the baby out on Friday.

It's terrible.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

I have an even better idea. Since she is prego, her hormones are going to rage sexually. She is going to want to be fvcked 3 times a day if she could. Cut it off from you and make sure she can't get it from her other man or men. Do this in top of the 180 and you have yourself one angry b!tch!!


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> I have an even better idea. Since she is prego, her hormones are going to rage sexually. She is going to want to be fvcked 3 times a day if she could. Cut it off from you and make sure she can't get it from her other man or men. Do this in top of the 180 and you have yourself one angry b!tch!!


I think she's suffered enough.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Under a bridge, under a bridge, it usually lives under a bridge.


Great song.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Under a bridge, under a bridge, it usually lives under a bridge.
> 
> 
> Great song.


yep


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The 180 isn't a revenge tool. It is a detachment tool. You're using it incorrectly. 

You want the best revenge? Detach and live well.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You don't 'do it to' anyone. The 180 is not a tool to use to manipulate, cajole or otherwise influence another person.
> 
> *The 180 is something you do for YOU. YOU and YOU ALONE.*
> 
> Until you realize and internalize this, you will fail at whatever it is you're trying to do to your wife.


Disagree. The Op has been clear in this thread and others that he intends to divorce his wife. He's angry, understandably so, and he's using the 180 in this case to manipulate her and punish her. 

If he accomplishes that goal, and she is left feeling surprised, hurt, stunned, confused, etc. then he has accomplished that goal. 

He's certainly not doing himself any favors, but that's another matter entirely. 

The post I quoted above is really no different then telling someone you can't bang something with the side of a hammer. You can, it may not be the most effective way to perform the action, in fact using a hammer sideways may cause it to break and that could be dangerous, but you cannot tell someone that they're doing it "wrong" or that they are not in fact "hammering something" just because they're using it differently than they would.



americansteve said:


> Damn!
> So I picked up my wife and my older daughter asked her how the doctor's appointment went and my wife just broke out crying and crying. They couldn't find a heartbeat and the doctor said the baby passed away. They have to take the baby out on Friday.
> 
> It's terrible.


Just saw this.

I'd like to congratulate you on your creativity. 

You'll lose some loyal readers over that one though, including me. 

Had me there


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@BobSimmons @Mclane



> Under a bridge, under a bridge, it usually lives under a bridge.
> 
> 
> Great song.


She had a missed miscarriage; she goes in tomorrow for a D&C.
It's terrible, not a prank or me trolling - it just happened.

You know, there is a direct line from her affair to this missed miscarriage and although I feel really bad about it, I guess this is what's called a consequence.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

americansteve said:


> She had a missed miscarriage


Isn't that another way of saying "she's pregnant"?


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

No it means the baby died inside her but she her body still hasn't miscarried. She can wait and let the body miscarry on its own but then she risks infection so the option suggested was a D&C. Labor is induced, there is some scraping like in an abortion and it takes about a week for recovery.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

americansteve said:


> Damn!
> So I picked up my wife and my older daughter asked her how the doctor's appointment went and my wife just broke out crying and crying. They couldn't find a heartbeat and the doctor said the baby passed away. They have to take the baby out on Friday.
> 
> It's terrible.




I am sorry for your wife about the baby.


You do come across as cold and heartless, Given the chance that this baby may have been yours it would not have hurt you to go to drop off your daughter and go to the appointment with her, It would have meant you would have known hours before. Your daughter asked about her appointment after school and you took her to work without bothering to ask.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

So, basically, you think this is just a slap in the face from Karma, even though you thought the baby was *probably* yours. Whose Karma is this? Perhaps the Universe just spared this child from having a father who couldn't give a rip about creating a life even though he planned on leaving his WW anyway.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> I am sorry for your wife about the baby.
> 
> 
> You do come across as cold and heartless, Given the chance that this baby may have been yours it would not have hurt you to go to drop off your daughter and go to the appointment with her, It would have meant you would have known hours before. Your daughter asked about her appointment after school and you took her to work without bothering to find out.


I feel bad about it, I really do but there is a direct line from her affair and especially her decision to have unprotected sex to her scheduled D&C tomorrow. I can't help but see this as a consequence. After our second daughter was born, we always used condoms. It was only after SHE decided to have an affair and have unprotected sex with her AP that I insisted on also having unprotected sex. If that makes me cold and heartless, well - I'm not the one having a D&C procedure, which actually sounds like an unpleasant procedure.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@calmwinds



> So, basically, you think this is just a slap in the face from Karma, even though you thought the baby was *probably* yours. Whose Karma is this? Perhaps the Universe just spared this child from having a father who couldn't give a rip about creating a life even though he planned on leaving his WW anyway.


I think we are both being judged. This baby might have been a gift and the price for that gift was my forgiveness to a wife that showed no remorse for her actions. Instead, I have been wallowing in my rage and that baby was the pound of flesh needed to quench that rage.

It's hard to say with Karma.
I haven't felt angry since I found out; I feel really bad for her.
Maybe this was just necessary.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

americansteve said:


> I feel bad about it, I really do but there is a direct line from her affair and especially her decision to have unprotected sex to her scheduled D&C tomorrow. I can't help but see this as a consequence. After our second daughter was born, we always used condoms. It was only after SHE decided to have an affair and have unprotected sex with her AP that I insisted on also having unprotected sex. If that makes me cold and heartless, well - I'm not the one having a D&C procedure, which actually sounds like an unpleasant procedure.




You are a sad case. I hope she divorces you and gets custody of the children.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

americansteve said:


> I feel bad about it, I really do but there is a direct line from her affair and especially her decision to have unprotected sex to her scheduled D&C tomorrow. I can't help but see this as a consequence. After our second daughter was born, we always used condoms. It was only after SHE decided to have an affair and have unprotected sex with her AP that I insisted on also having unprotected sex. If that makes me cold and heartless, well - I'm not the one having a D&C procedure, which actually sounds like an unpleasant procedure.


A D&C is definitely an unpleasant procedure. But so is going through the labor of a missed miscarriage. You, sir, are an @$$. Yes, you read correctly. You are an @$$. Idgaf whose baby she was carrying. She just found out that her baby is dead and all you can say is "serves her right". That baby could very well have been yours. You say the time line fits with her affair? You do realize the baby could actually gave been measuring big, and she could have been "less pregnant" than the measurements showed, right? I had a missed miscarriage. I was, chronologically, 12 weeks, but the ultrasound showed 7 weeks... and no baby. You have no idea what happened. And your actions, as evidenced in the few threads I have stumbled upon, have been pathetic, at best. Please, do your wife a favor, and leave now. You don't care. You don't want to be there. So just go.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@Maricha75



> A D&C is definitely an unpleasant procedure. But so is going through the labor of a missed miscarriage. You, sir, are an @$$. Yes, you read correctly. You are an @$$. Idgaf whose baby she was carrying. She just found out that her baby is dead and all you can say is "serves her right". That baby could very well have been yours. You say the time line fits with her affair? You do realize the baby could actually gave been measuring big, and she could have been "less pregnant" than the measurements showed, right? I had a missed miscarriage. I was, chronologically, 12 weeks, but the ultrasound showed 7 weeks... and no baby. You have no idea what happened. And your actions, as evidenced in the few threads I have stumbled upon, have been pathetic, at best. Please, do your wife a favor, and leave now. You don't care. You don't want to be there. So just go.


I FEEL BAD!
What is it you want - blood?
It's amazing how the "consequences" is thrown around like a bouncy ball but in this case, you don't think it applies. I bet you used the word "consequence" once or twice in your lifetime.

If she had used condoms with her sex-offender lover (who btw she was just searching on FB a few days ago) it would have never entered my mind to not use condoms.

I'm curious - how much blame should be assigned to my wife?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

americansteve said:


> @Maricha75
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No, you really don't feel bad, Steve. If you did, you wouldn't keep saying that the miscarriage is the consequence of the affair. Silly me, I thought your decision to leave was the consequence. 

You started this thread about the 180. You completely ignored what people were saying about your interpretation of the 180. You only started what you THINK was the 180 to get a response from her. You are completely clueless, Steve.

So, the FB search. You are certain that the baby was his, right? Did it occur to you that she might have been searching to see if he was still on there? Wait...he is a sex offender? And, I assume, registered? Why have you not reported him on FB? You do know that violates their TOS, right? So, back to her search. Maybe she wanted to be sure she could still locate him, if the baby had lived and the paternity test showed him to be the father. Or, maybe, knowing you are leaving anyway, she just figured "screw it" and searched for him. Who knows? The only way you will know is of you ask... which I know you won't. 

So, now, this brings me to my question about the current issue... have you given her ANY comfort since finding out? Did you ask why she didn't tell you when she got home from the appointment? My guess is no, because you truly do not care. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If your W spontaneously aborts that fetus in the next day or so, keep a close eye on her. 

The blood loss, etc. can create a very dangerous and life threatening situation.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@Tron



> If your W spontaneously aborts that fetus in the next day or so, keep a close eye on her.
> 
> The blood loss, etc. can create a very dangerous and life threatening situation.


I will but from what I'm reading online, it's a pretty routine and safe procedure. Right now I'm dealing with the funeral arrangements.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

D&C's are pretty routine. 

Sometimes the body will try to get rid of it by itself. If that happens before tomorrow keep a close eye on her. You may even want to take her in.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Again, I ask, "steve", DO YOU READ what people post on your threads??

Have you learned ANYthing here?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mclane said:


> Disagree.


You can disagree all you want, but I will still be right


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm seeing a lot of vitriol directed @americansteve. If he's reeling from the aftermath of an affair, then he's not likely to be in the best state of mind for making decisions.

Lay off the poor guy. I know you're all trying to defend a woman in pain, but he's in pain too. It's not up to us to say he doesn't feel bad and then provide illogical evidence to back up the claim. Just because he believes something is a consequence of another's behavior does not mean he has a lack of feeling for the person. Quite the contrary from what he has stated.

Just a little anecdote about an affair vs a miscarriage. My xWW miscarried about two years into our marriage. That was painful, but we got over it fairly quickly. Her affair? Now that destroyed our marriage, and I know I deal with pains from it on a daily basis still. That was 5 1/2 years ago. If he's making decisions that aren't the most ideal, then I understand completely. Both situations are awful, but couple them together and you have a hot mess.

Now to you, americansteve. So many people have stated that the 180 is for you, not for getting somebody back, exacting some justice (even if it is well deserved), controlling behaviors, and so on. They're right. It often does precede certain behaviors, as it makes itself a wake up call to WSes, but that is not the intent. It is a tool for you to use to give yourself the best options, whatever you decide, and regardless what your WS decides. If you both decide to R, then you come from a position of power and choice, one where you can truly measure your value and happiness. If you decide to D then you're on your way, and you're doing the hardest parts already. It's a position of action and power, as opposed to fear and limbo.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why would you insist on "no condoms" when you knew she was b*nging the sex offender dude with no protection? Weren't you at all concerned about getting an STD?

Makes no sense to me. Kinda gross, actually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Reading this thread feels like reading Gone Girl, I swear.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Why would you insist on "no condoms" when you knew she was b*nging the sex offender dude with no protection? Weren't you at all concerned about getting an STD?
> 
> Makes no sense to me. Kinda gross, actually.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After making her husband wear a condom while allowing this POS to nut in her, she became his. He was trying to claim her body. Yes, it was risky but it's understandable. 

Personally, no man husband should be using a condom on a regular basis with their wife. There are elements in sperm that help bond your wife to you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Retribution said:


> I'm seeing a lot of vitriol directed @americansteve. If he's reeling from the aftermath of an affair, then he's not likely to be in the best state of mind for making decisions.
> 
> *Lay off the poor guy. I know you're all trying to defend a woman in pain, but he's in pain too. *It's not up to us to say he doesn't feel bad and then provide illogical evidence to back up the claim. Just because he believes something is a consequence of another's behavior does not mean he has a lack of feeling for the person. Quite the contrary from what he has stated.
> 
> ...


I agree. What the h3ll is up with some posters here? His wife has a miscarriage from most likely the demon seed of POS and posters are jumping on him because he's not pouring out the sympathy on this forum. Where does this come from? A man is not allowed to be hurt. Any pain a woman feels, is a serious pain, while a man must suck it up.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Now that she's had the miscarriage, she may be depressed that POS's demon seed didn' make it and get resentful toward you. That she's been unremorseful and her response to you distancing yourself, is to look search out POS, tells me she's going to be pining for him for a long time. 

Go look at the threads on Loveshack's OW section. Thousands of WWs pining for, involved in false R, who act like they're powerless to resist the OM. One popular thread of a WW married for over 20 years with 4 kids debating leaving her husband, she says she loves, for a man she had a non-sexual PA last 4 months. Went NC for a year improved her marriage but got contacted by a persistent MM, and boom. She's ready to toss 20 years and 4 kids aside to be with a cheating stranger she's known for 4 months.

What does it have to do with you? Everything. Your wife is just like these women. Your unremorseful wife would leave you to be with POS, if he really wanted her. He'd snap his fingers and you'd be history. But since he's not looking to wife up a cheating wh0re with another man's kid, she'll play his free prostitute if he comes around. If he stays away, she'll pine away for YEARS, and play the cold unloving martyr wife, who sacrificed herself by staying married for her daughter.

Is that what you want to R with? Yes, implement the 180. Not to get a reaction out of her but to detach from her. File D and go have a relationship with a loving woman. If she comes around and stays chaise you can start a new relationship and maybe remarry but that is the only way to have R from a position of strength.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jsmart said:


> After making her husband wear a condom while allowing this POS to nut in her, she became his. He was trying to claim her body. Yes, it was risky but it's understandable.


And I don't disagree with this at all. What I disagree with is the insistence that the baby was absolutely the OM's and couldn't possibly be his. Having had unprotected sex with his wife, the baby very well COULD have been his.



jsmart said:


> Personally, no man husband should be using a condom on a regular basis with their wife. There are elements in sperm that help bond your wife to you.


And yet, that was the choice he made (using condoms), rather than getting snipped. If they were, for sure, done having kids, that would have bern a viable option. Even if she took the pill, she could have had to use another form of birth control, like I did. My husband and I had to use two forms of birth control for years until I had my tubes tied when our youngest was born. And, yes, condoms were used regularly. Does this make him less of a man? Less of a husband? Because *we* decided to take the necessary precautions to avoid pregnancy until ready? I completely disagree with your flawed logic regarding whether or not a husband should use condoms with his wife.

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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jsmart said:


> I agree. What the h3ll is up with some posters here? His wife has a miscarriage from most likely the demon seed of POS and posters are jumping on him because he's not pouring out the sympathy on this forum. Where does this come from? A man is not allowed to be hurt. Any pain a woman feels, is a serious pain, while a man must suck it up.


The baby could have been his. Yes, the OM could have been the father, but it was equally likely that Steve was the father. I agree that he should be abgry, upset, and any other related emotions when it comes to her affair. Absolutely. There is no question about that from *any* of us. No, our problem is the way he is going about this. Like I said, he started this thread, talking about doing the 180, and he royally screwed that up. He wanted to do it for all the wrong reasons, yet he said it actually worked?? No, what he did, the way he described it, made him look like a monumental @$$. He assumed his lame @$$ attempt at 180 had worked, so couldn't be bothered to ask how the appointment went. She was suffering, having been told her baby died, and he assumed his nonsense hand "worked". So, yes, that behavior makes him look like an @$$.

By all means, detach as far as the affair is concerned. But even in detachment, he can offer some measure of comfort to her, having lost her baby. Yes, I said her baby, only because of his insistence that the child couldn't have been his. He said he is making funeral arrangements... I am curious what else he is doing to make up for that behavior yesterday. I'm not saying he has to suck up to her or anything. He could just as easily tell her, "Look, this doesn't change how I feel about your affair. But right now, we need to deal with the loss of the baby. What can I do to help you deal with this loss?" And before anyone jumps on me about men having to deal with a miscarriage, I already know. Yes, he will have to deal with his own emotions about it (assuming he feels the loss for himself, too). It's different for the mother, though.

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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jsmart said:


> *Now that she's had the miscarriage, she may be depressed that POS's demon seed didn' make it and get resentful toward you.* That she's been unremorseful and her response to you distancing yourself, is to look search out POS, tells me she's going to be pining for him for a long time.


Or, just as likely, she could be resentful that he behaved like a cold hearted [email protected] who didn't care that she miscarried *their* baby. As had been pointed out, even by Steve himself, the fact that Seven and WW also had unprotected sex means that baby could have been Steve's. 

Really, I shouldn't be surprised by the people patting him on the back over this. Smdh.

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## youlookfamiliar (May 20, 2016)

I recognize you, Steve. Saw your post on Reddit. 

"I slayed the ****! 
submitted 3 days ago by ****slayed
I'm here to brag and I just want the reddit world to know: I slayed the ****! So 10 months ago I discovered that my **** wife had an affair in 2012 to 2013. The **** had a TRO taken out on me, had me served at my work and also had my son from a previous marriage - her stepson- also thrown out. For three months, my son and I lived in a basement and it was hell. Then just as suddenly, she vacated the order. I had no idea what was going on but so anxious was I to get back into my bed, I chalked it up to a wake-up call and we reconciled.
10 months ago, I found out the truth. The **** had a 3 months long affair in my house, in my bed with a felon sex offender! This POS had contact with my young daughters. When I found out, I contacted the Indianapolis Police Department, Child Protective Services and the Marion County Prosecutors Office to investigate abuse of restraining order and a possible sexual assault by a convicted sex offender on my daughters. These scumbags all just shrugged their fat pig shoulders, stuffed that next jelly donut in their mouth and told me to "move on."
But not me: I'm a ****slayer and I slayed this ****!
I just got the dumb **** pregnant and she just got a new job - her dream job - as a nurse at the VA. And I'm going to Costa Rica!
Now the dumb **** is pregnant, has two little girls and just doesn't know how to manage if I leave! She's destroyed!
I slayed the stupid **** and she knows I'm going to hook up with a Tica.
Damn - am I bad or what!

Here are his replies:

You got it - 2 little girls and a pregnant **** while I ***** it up in Costa Rica. Hey - but I fully intend to learn how to surf!
FYI - all you bleeding hearts: I AM NOT trolling. I got the **** pregnant and right after she got her dream job and I leave at the end of July for sunny Costa Rica.
This is how we should do ****s and all I can say is she should have thought about that when she let a sex offender in my bed and sucked his ****.
I bet she regrets it now, the stupid ****.
ohhh yeah - I'm a **** slayer and that's sure to bother some ****s! **** them kids and blame their **** mom! She brought a sex offender into my bed and the state of Indiana did nothing so I handled it. I got the dumb **** pregnant and just when she got her new dream job. Whatever will the **** do? But look it like this - I didn't take a life out; I didn't kill her or her sex-offender lover. I brought a life in. I gave life. I'm a life giver.

You're a mess.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Yeah ... I think that says everything that needs saying.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

americansteve said:


> I did my best not to post on this thread but I just couldn't stop myself.
> Here is some Karma for you:
> 
> My wife decides to have unprotected sex with her sex offender lover in my bed and with my daughters in the next room.
> ...


... right. And we're supposed to feel BAD for Steve? Coupled with @youlookfamiliar post, I am calling bullsh*t on the whole thing. And if it is not bullsh*t, then I stand by my statement that Steve is a monumental @$$. 

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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> "I slayed the ****!
> submitted 3 days ago by ****slayed
> I'm here to brag and I just want the reddit world to know: I slayed the ****! So 10 months ago I discovered that my **** wife had an affair in 2012 to 2013. The **** had a TRO taken out on me, had me served at my work and also had my son from a previous marriage - her stepson- also thrown out. For three months, my son and I lived in a basement and it was hell. Then just as suddenly, she vacated the order. I had no idea what was going on but so anxious was I to get back into my bed, I chalked it up to a wake-up call and we reconciled.
> 10 months ago, I found out the truth. The **** had a 3 months long affair in my house, in my bed with a felon sex offender! This POS had contact with my young daughters. When I found out, I contacted the Indianapolis Police Department, Child Protective Services and the Marion County Prosecutors Office to investigate abuse of restraining order and a possible sexual assault by a convicted sex offender on my daughters. These scumbags all just shrugged their fat pig shoulders, stuffed that next jelly donut in their mouth and told me to "move on."
> ...


It's me - I was having a good vent, so what? Plus it shows there is more to the story than I disclosed here on TAM;it's much worse!

My wife is a heartless shrew but I think she's suffered enough.
Its been almost 48 hours since I found out about the missed miscarriage and I haven't felt the rage in all that time. For the past 10 months, I've had instances of such intense rage, I would find myself screaming in the car, at the gym - just exploding but for a near 2 days now, it's just not there. 

Like I said before, maybe this poor little baby was the pound of flesh I needed to move on.


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> ... right. And we're supposed to feel BAD for Steve? Coupled with @youlookfamiliar post, I am calling bullsh*t on the whole thing. And if it is not bullsh*t, then I stand by my statement that Steve is a monumental @$$.


Well - I guess truth is stranger than fiction; anyway who cares what you think and I don't remember asking for anyone's sympathy. 

You should pity my wife, the poor thing, apparently she's in for a few days of extreme discomfort.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

americansteve said:


> Well - I guess truth is stranger than fiction; anyway who cares what you think and I don't remember asking for anyone's sympathy.
> 
> You should pity my wife, the poor thing, apparently she's in for a few days of extreme discomfort.


A few DAYS???? ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME??? Her BABY DIED, inside of her. It is going to be a HELL OF A LOT MORE than a FEW DAYS of "extreme discomfort". My God... you really ARE heartless.

I do pity your wife... for still being married to you.

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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> A few DAYS???? ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME??? Her BABY DIED, inside of her. It is going to be a HELL OF A LOT MORE than a FEW DAYS of "extreme discomfort".


Really? 
aww
The poor thing!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

americansteve said:


> It's me - I was having a good vent, so what? Plus it shows there is more to the story than I disclosed here on TAM;it's much worse!
> 
> My wife is a heartless shrew but I think she's suffered enough.
> Its been almost 48 hours since I found out about the missed miscarriage and I haven't felt the rage in all that time. For the past 10 months, I've had instances of such intense rage, I would find myself screaming in the car, at the gym - just exploding but for a near 2 days now, it's just not there.
> ...


Good. Move on. She deserves better.

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Retribution said:


> I'm seeing a lot of vitriol directed @americansteve. If he's reeling from the aftermath of an affair, then he's not likely to be in the best state of mind for making decisions.
> 
> Lay off the poor guy. I know you're all trying to defend a woman in pain, but he's in pain too. It's not up to us to say he doesn't feel bad and then provide illogical evidence to back up the claim. Just because he believes something is a consequence of another's behavior does not mean he has a lack of feeling for the person. Quite the contrary from what he has stated.


No, we aren't all trying to defend the woman. Some of this is from his acerbic reactions, wanting to leave his children fatherless and his anger displayed in his other threads.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

americansteve said:


> Really?
> aww
> The poor thing!


Yes, really. And yes, I feel very sorry for her. I know what it's like to have my baby die in utero. And it takes much more than a few days to move past it. Not like you care. After all, you were *only* 99% certain the baby was yours anyway. I guess that 1% was plenty to keep you a heartless jerk.

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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

NPD in all its glory


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tron said:


> NPD in all its glory


I think it's more than that. The posters on reddit called it right away. TAM is not so quick to call it, though.

So, to recap:

Steve claims his wife is a slvt. Steve's wife had a restraining order out on him and his son. Steve's wife then decided to change her mind 3 months later. Steve found out 10 months ago about that 3 months with the OM. For those who don't want to do the math, 10 months =/= 16 weeks... nor does it = anywhere between 10 and 13 months. So, unless the affair continued after Steve found out about it, the baby was his. Steve doesn't care. All Steve cares about is sticking it to his wife... by leaving her and the kids. Steve's wide has lost their baby. Steve doesn't care.

I reiterate... the folks on reddit called it. Now, I just hope TAM will follow suit.

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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

NPD under the bridge dweller? Sure smells like it!


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Steve, that post from the other forum has me confused about the timeline. Your wife had an affair in 2012 and just last year had you kicked out of the house with a temporary restraining order? 

So she let you back and then you got her pregnant. If the affair happened that long ago, it isn't even possible for it to be the AP's baby. 

All this doesn't add up, you are leaving out some significant details which I suspect have to do with your behavior. If you really want some help rather than just spewing vitriol at your wife, then you need to tell the whole story. 

As for the miscarriage, I can tell you that the same thing happened to me. They descovered that the baby had died when I went I for my 12 week checkup and I had to have a D/C. It was very traumatic for me and my H was very little help. His attitude was, oh well, if something was wrong with the baby then it was a good thing in the end that I miscarried. No real thought to what I was going through. 
It was the beginning of the long slide to where we are now -still married, but emotionally estranged with him sleeping in the basement.

If you have any hope or interest in reconciling with your wife, you need to forget about the CR job, be supportive of your wife while she's going through this, and get yourself to IC and both of you to MC. 

I doubt you'll do any of this because you seem to want to just run away.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I think it's more than that. The posters on reddit called it right away. TAM is not so quick to call it, though.
> 
> So, to recap:
> 
> ...


I thought Steve was abandoning her with the kids for months and months at a time before the affair?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> I thought Steve was abandoning her with the kids for months and months at a time before the affair?


Oh, sorry, forgot that part. 

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I think it's more than that. The posters on reddit called it right away. TAM is not so quick to call it, though.
> 
> So, to recap:
> 
> ...


People tried to call it early, but rules and our high horses tend to derail threads. People became angry because he wanted to leave his kids so, some got caught up in preaching and they ignored the signs.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jsmart said:


> *Personally, no man husband should be using a condom on a regular basis with their wife.* There are elements in sperm that help bond your wife to you.


Well, I think that goes without saying. But "claiming your wife" while she's actively b*nging a perv sex offender is beyond reckless.



jsmart said:


> Yes, it was risky but it's understandable.


Risky? Yes. Understandable? No. Unless you want sloppy seconds and chlamydia.

So I have to disagree with your logic.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I thought your older children lived with your first wife with whom you had a wonderful relationship?

So many holes in this story.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> I thought your older children lived with your first wife with whom you had a wonderful relationship?
> 
> So many holes in this story.


Yeah, s'up with that? Story doesn't add up. At all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Well, I think that goes without saying. But "claiming your wife" while she's actively b*nging a perv sex offender is beyond reckless.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Did OP have relations while she was still with OM? I didn't read that. But that doesn't Change the fact that OPs actions should be viewed from the perspective of a person in pain. In such situations we all do stupid $hit
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jsmart said:


> Did OP have relations while she was still with OM? I didn't read that. But that doesn't Change the fact that OPs actions should be viewed from the perspective of a person in pain. In such situations we all do stupid $hit
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Given that he was trying to claim that NOW the baby was almost definitely OM's, I think it was implied that she was still having sex with both or that, at least, she had sex with each of them within a week, maybe two, resulting in the pregnancy. If that's the case, then she was still having sex with OM 4 months ago, not the 10 months Steven has repeated often. All of this has some of us calling bullsh*t on the *whole* thing. 

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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Dear TAM posters, 

My wife had a hemorrhage this morning and her placenta and amniotic fluids and OMs demon seed were all over the floor when I left this morning.

Thinking back I probably should have called an ambulance but I was too concerned with stepping over her without getting blood on my shoes.

The Biꝉch deserved it!

- americansteve


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Mclane said:


> Dear TAM posters,
> 
> My wife had a hemorrhage this morning and her placenta and amniotic fluids and OMs demon seed were all over the floor when I left this morning.
> 
> ...


>>>

Sadly, that sounds about right. McLane kinda nailed it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jsmart said:


> In such situations we all do stupid $hit
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but not all of us do "stupid sh*t" quite that stoopid... Just sayin'...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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