# as the name says, blown away



## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

This is my first time posting here. I've been reading other posts for a while and take comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one. My H and I have been married for 14 years, have two small children and what I thought was a solid friendship and marriage. Unfortunately, it's been almost a whole year of hell. Long story short, he told me over the summer that he loves me, but is no longer "in love" with me. He came up with some b.s. reasons for that and actually laid the blame on me. I read all about "midlife crisis" and male depression and was convinced that he was really going through something significant. He was not himself - distant, upset, stomach pains, etc., etc. I asked about 1000 times whether there was someone else; the answer was always no, but he decided to move out in October for a "trial separation". I enrolled in counseling to try to get through this and have been doing well controlling my anger and making sure that the kids don't get hurt. Last week, I just felt that things were too far gone and that it just wasn't going to ever get back on track. I told him calmly and rationally that I planned to get my thoughts together and file for divorce because he was not making any efforts to move the needle in one direction or another and that I was just too physically and mentally tired to continue. I didn't say it to get a reaction out of him or play any games; I did it because I was ready for whatever answer he wanted to give me and I felt it was the right decision. He told me not to do that yet, that he still considered this a trial separation and that he was going to go to a counseling session with me to start talking about what happened and why. I was cautious, but had a little hope and said I would wait to see what came out of the session. Turns out it was all just a smoke screen and that there has been someone else. This guy deserves an Academy Award for the lies and the deceit. Not sure how you can look your spouse directly in the face and tell so many lies, knowing full well how much hurt and pain this has already caused me and the children. This is not the guy that I married. He is 44 and has gone through a fundamental change and I am, as the name indicates, blown away that this is my life. I already called my lawyer and will take steps to file for divorce as soon as possible. Still committed to not making this ugly or doing anything to hurt my children, but the anger is palpable. I will continue counseling to get me through this and to learn how to let go of anger, bitterness and any jealousy - I know that hanging on to those emotions will only hurt me in the long run. I just hope to God that something better is somewhere around the corner and that this whole thing happened for a reason that I will one day realize.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

For many of us on here, we have been cheated on & it is horrible feeling to find out that is happening to you & your marriage. We all think that is happens to someone else but not us. 
Like you mentioned, you think you know your spouse & think that the person who says they love you & would never do something to hurt you & then you get news of infidelity. It is very tough news to take. 
Intially I thought - what's wrong with me? what did I do to cause this. But fortunately through counseling - I came to realize that is had nothing to do with me- it was my husband. 
the good news you are seeking counseling which will certainly help you through this difficult time. in the past, i would have encouraged someone to exhaust all options before filing for divorce. But after doing that myself ( exhausting options - basically giving my husband chance after chance to prove he was sorry & wanted to work on the marriage ) he cotinued to let me down & I kept that hope alive that maybe this time he'll change. He didn't & I realize I should not have given him so many chances but wasn't ready back then to move forward with the divorce. 

Everyone needs to move at a pace that feels right for them. If filing for divorce feels right to you, then do it but try to keep the peace with your husband as much as possible for the kids sake 7 so you can work out reasonable terms for your divorce. 

Stay strong & even though it seems like life has taken a turn for th worst, things will come around & it will all work out for the best. You have to believe that "things happen for a reason" although we may not know what that reason is for some time. 
You will learn alot about yourself, what you want in a relationship and what you can do better in your next relationship. I definitely recommend you take time to examine yourself & de-discover you before you go out looking for a new partner. 
Best of luck


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement. It is horrible, but I just keep thinking that anything is better than this. He is just not the same person that I married. He's lied over and over again and told me things just to serve his own purpose. I do agree that there has to be a degree of civility to be able to deal with the kids - that's what the next phase of my counseling is going to deal with - how to actually co-parent when you are extremely angry and hurt. For now, I do not want to see him. Counselor says that short to the point texts and emails about the kids are fine. At this point, there really is no choice but to file for divorce. I think dealing at arms-length with someone who has shown himself to be a complete and total liar is not a good idea. Without court orders, it's like flying without a net. Plus, I just don't believe I would ever be able to go back to that, even if that option was on the table. Although the fact that he's seeing someone just came out, there's been a whole lot of other issues over the past 10 months. It feels like I've been in the ring with Mike Tyson - he just kept punching and punching. I kept getting back up, and then when I finally decided to cower in the corner, he gave me one final kick while I was down. It's okay though because I will get up again, things will one day be better and maybe there will be something really great around the corner. There could be a hidden gift in there somewhere - just have to go through this part to try to find it.


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