# I Snapped!



## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Yesterday I really lost it. My husband and I went to breakfast with friends (another couple). The guys started talking and it led to my husband telling a story about his offshore days and a deaf friend he worked along side. When they were offshore he would call home for this friend and relay conversation to the friends wife. Well I heard story before and prior to husbands EA, I actually thought it was a nice thing. But yesterday when he started telling the story again, laughing how he would have to say things to her like your hubby says he thinks your sexy, etc I just lost it. I felt my chest literally getting heavy, my eyes starting to sting and turned to him right in front of the couple and restraint and said "Why don't you just shut the f'ck up?" Then got up from the table and left. 

Yes I was immediately embarrassed by my behavior but very hurt and angry too. This whole offshore thing had nothing to with his EA last year so I was surprised I even got upset. And again I heard the story before long ago. Now I'm sure the couple thinks I'm absolutely crazy ( because I thought it too ) and it kind of made me realize how much anger I'm still holding on too. I mean I literally had no self control for a moment. 

Well husband of course didn't follow me out. He stayed until they were ready and I'm ok with that because I needed that time to cool down and cry a little. When he did come out he didn't look at me but when we got to the car he did finally mumble I'm sorry. It was a very awkward ride for a moment, then things started to feel less tense. After air cleared, we did have a really good rest of day. 

My behavior though shocked me and today I'm left with a whole lot of resentment toward him. My resentment is that I check his phone, GPS, have false accts set up on dating sites to keep checking he hasnt signed up for another one, etc but when it comes down to it I really don't have anyway of knowing if he really is being loyal as his EA took place at work, on his work computer and on his work phone. So I feel like instead of him earning my trust I was left with no choice but to take his word he really did end it. As far as red flags, I keep looking back to last year and it was the same ole sweet husband, he is just a really good liar I guess. It's work, lots of work for me to keep checking up on him and to be honest, it's emotionally draining. 

I love him and ending our marriage is not an option for me but neither is acting like an insane person. I feel low enough reflecting on my husband thought another woman was a better option for 7 months, I don't want to feel any lower as a result of emotional outbursts. Drained, bad day I guess.
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If your husband spent as much thought on you as he did on his EA you would not be going through this. Don't be embarrassed by your reaction he should be paying close attention to what he says.
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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Thank you ... Just what you said makes me teary. Maybe because I know you are telling the truth. I feel like I have done most of the work to repair our marriage. Don't get me wrong, he does some things, like turning over phone, I have all his pw's, etc but again I know in my heart if he was still carrying on I wouldn't know because I do not have access to his work computer and such. I'm really am just tired of having to worry. I'm angry he didn't think enough of me and our children to put us in this position. I think of all the times someone hit on me and I told them not going to happen and avoided them like the plague afterwards, yet he wasn't able to do that for me. Their stupid emails and how he totally crucified me to her play over and over again in my head, and I wonder all the time about their conversations on the phone even though I know it doesn't matter in the long run. I think how sickening it is he could look me in the eye knowing his actions behind my back. If I didn't have exams today, I'd be crawling back in bed.
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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

That is a pretty mild reaction, IMO. Your H was being thoughtless(again). He needs to stop being a jerk.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

I'm grateful for this forum. It's nice to have the support especially on days like this. It's just unfortunate so many people go through this and so many marriages/relationships destroyed because of selfish choices.
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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It strikes me as cruel for your husband to have been trusted with his buddy's intimate conversation with his wife...and then years later still be turning it into sexual banter to be shared with strangers. IMO, it demonstrates a lack of respect for couple's intimacy, and I don't blame you for losing it. Doesn't seem unrelated to the issue at all, to me. Makes perfect sense.

It is good to put your foot down. 
After a while you'll learn that there is a way of standing up for your beliefs without putting yourself out there for your husband to call you over-reactive and unstable, or whatever, and making people uncomfortable.

You CAN be in control of situations like this, but first you need to back yourself up by believing wholeheartedly that you are on absolutely solid ground. When you start to feel angry, take a break, go to the ladies' room or count to 20 or finish your coffee, whatever...identify the source of your anger and then express it calmly...such as "It makes me uncomfortable to hear you exposing intimacies of another couple's relationship, when you were put in a position of trust. This sounds so pornographic to me, and I'd appreciate it if we could all talk about something else." If anyone protests, you can excuse yourself, and say you would rather go for a walk with a to-go coffee and muffin/donut/bagel than to ruin such a lovely morning for yourself by remaining in present company.

Of course, that's all ideal...but not so much so as you'd think!!!!


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

You CAN be in control of situations like this, but first you need to back yourself up by believing wholeheartedly that you are on absolutely solid ground. When you start to feel angry, take a break, go to the ladies' room or count to 20 or finish your coffee, whatever...identify the source of your anger and then express it calmly...such as "It makes me uncomfortable to hear you exposing intimacies of another couple's relationship, when you were put in a position of trust. This sounds so pornographic to me, and I'd appreciate it if we could all talk about something else." If anyone protests, you can excuse yourself, and say you would rather go for a walk with a to-go coffee and muffin/donut/bagel than to ruin such a lovely morning for yourself by remaining in present company.

... You are absolutely right and that is normally how I would have handled it. Just say there and spoke to him later about it. But that pain and rage just kind of snuck up on me and it came out of my mouth. I'm counting on this is all part of the process. I did tell him yesterday afternoon I was sorry I did that but I don't want to hear about that stuff anymore. I know his stand is that if I really forgave him we wouldn't have to talk about it and it wouldn't still be an issue but easier said than done. I feel like I have forgiven him but that doesn't mean I trust him fully yet. It's hard to trust him when he lied for so long and was so sneaky about it. I mean fake email acct, everything done at work, signed up on Match dating site .... That's a lot to recover from I think. It's also a lot of planned deception on his part and so of course I lost respect for him and I do need time to work it all out in my head so I can trust him again.
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## SMiller (Dec 5, 2011)

You state "I do need time to work it all out in my head so I can trust him again."

Sweetie, he needs to "earn" your trust and it doesn't sound like he is doing that. Why do you feel you need to do all the work? Why do you still not trust him? Do you have nagging suspicions that he is up to his old tricks again? Sometimes we need to listen to our inner voice and doubts to get the answers we need.

I am not suggesting that he is up to anything, but it sounds like he isn't trying very hard either, which sends up red flags.

Before you spend more time agonizing about working things out in your head so you can trust him again, I would see a counselor on your own to find out if you can ever truly get beyond this. I wish you well.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

When people mention VARs and keyloggers, I cringe a bit. Only becuase it reminds me of what life was like with that "unknowing" feeling at you 120% of the time, the digging thru pockets, the waiting for them to be away to check the logs........ its really not living at all. It was a daily exercise in driving myself crazy, and like SIP says, when all the back and forth is done at a work computer with no access,, that constantly digs at you.
Whats a person to do? Drive themselves crazy wondering, and checking up and doing detective work? But for the information found, or not, when is that satisfied? 
The option was taken from me, in my story. I now live in my own house with my daughter coming to visit every other week for a week at a time, and I am about a month into it.
Before my exwife changed the cellphone account into two seperate accts, I was able to see that she still contacted this guy, after telling me she deleted the number, after telling me she wanted to try and make our 10yr marriage work. 
All lies.
And when confronted with evidence, it was simply explained away in some rational-in-her-mind answer, well "he" msgs me!, and of course, why are you checking up on me, I cant live like that"...

I firmly believe you are going to drive yourself nuts "wondering", and detective work has its merits, but its a hell of a way to live, it is draining, and it is constant-consistent static.
What plans have you made to protect yourself financially, stability, emotionally, in case of the worst?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Did he ever truly seem regretful to you?

A BIG stumbling block for me - mentally - was that she only really seemed sorry that she got caught. Pretty good indicator - in my mind - that the behaviors would likely continue.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't trust him because had it not been for the OW spilling the beans to me I never would have known and she only did that because she thought I would leave him. Just from all of the things she said to me, which were very hateful and I had never met her so she didn't have any reason to dislike me, all of her words let me know that he trashed me to her. My husband was literally my best friend so that kinda hurt too, to know he could say one thing to me and behind my back tear me apart. He knew how important family was to me. He knew growing up in states care, all I wanted was the stability and love a family provides. So I feel on so many levels he betrayed me. 

As far as right now I believe most likely he is being faithful but just wish I had 100 percent confirmation. I do feel like he does make an effort to say he's leaving work, comes straight home, he even installed the GPS so I could track him, but none of it really confirms what he may or may not be doing at work. In saying that how crazy is it to have to even be like that. I feel like he really took something special out of our relationship all because of some selfish need for who knows what. 

I think I am just have a moment where I'm sitting on the pity pot. I'm hurting, angry and don't have anyone to share it with. Ive been studying for exams and not sleeping much and maybe that has something to do with my sudden emotional craziness, BUT thank goodness for this forum!
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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Financially I have researched openly child support and division of property. My husband is current sole provider because I go to school full time, however he knows if I needed employment, I have great contacts who would not hesitate to hire me. So if we ever separated, I am comfortable knowing me and our children would be ok financially.
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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

He did seem regretful. He cried a lot, wrote me several apology letters, and has been reassuring verbally that he is not doing anything to mess up our marriage. The only thing I can say he doesn't like to do is discuss it. I feel that is more out of shame and guilt then him being malicious.
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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm doing the "detective" work right now. Not so much for thinking it might still be going on, but I'm pretty sure I haven't gotten the truth from H on the 2 EA's. I keep finding more things that don't add up, yet when I ask him about anything he gets aggravated and complains about having to "repeat" himself and answer same questions over and over again. 

So the unknown is eating away at me so bad. And I am wanting to find out everything I can soon, before I get my surgery next month so I can be healthy for it.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I'm doing the "detective" work right now. Not so much for thinking it might still be going on, but I'm pretty sure I haven't gotten the truth from H on the 2 EA's. I keep finding more things that don't add up, yet when I ask him about anything he gets aggravated and complains about having to "repeat" himself and answer same questions over and over again.
> 
> So the unknown is eating away at me so bad. And I am wanting to find out everything I can soon, before I get my surgery next month so I can be healthy for it.


I'm sorry Numb because it is horribley draining to have to get information that way. Funny tho but not really how WW's say the same things. I know how you feel. Good luck on your surgery.
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I know exactly where you're coming from, because I feel exactly the same way. It's getting better as time goes on, and I spend less and less time now worrying about what he might be up to, but I do still feel like telling him to stfu every once in a while.

I have come to the realization that I will never know EVERYTHING. There will always be something that he hasn't told me. An example would be the content of every chat he had with his *****s. For one there's no way he could ever remember every word, and for another he's blocked a lot of what he did out. For a while I struggled with this - I thought, what if he's left out something important, something important to me that maybe he wouldn't even think was important? What that might be I have no idea, but I thought that if I didn't know every single thing he did and said, I was at a disadvantage. But now I know that those details really don't matter any more. What matters is what he is doing now.

I have also finally been able to let go of checking up on him incessantly. Every once in a while I find myself googling the usernames he used on sex sites and I stop and think to myself, what am I DOING? Really, what do I think I will find? I know I won't find anything, because if he really wanted to be screwing around he could be in secret and I would NEVER know. I had to make a choice - either trust enough to quit obsessing, or get out of the relationship. And I am convinced he isn't screwing around any more, even though I still have these moments of doubt. It's hard to describe - it's like the doubt is some kind of bubble that has been in my brain for the last year and a half and suddenly came to the surface and popped, temporarily getting in my face but then dispersing once it dissipates, and then it's gone for good after that. Eventually maybe all the bubbles will be gone - I hope they will - but they might not be, so each time one bursts I deal with it, and I get better at dealing with it each time. There isn't anything he's doing now to create more bubbles either, and this is important. If that wasn't true, I couldn't be with him.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

SIP said:


> Thank you ... Just what you said makes me teary. Maybe because I know you are telling the truth. I feel like I have done most of the work to repair our marriage. Don't get me wrong, he does some things, like turning over phone, I have all his pw's, etc but again I know in my heart if he was still carrying on I wouldn't know because I do not have access to his work computer and such. I'm really am just tired of having to worry. I'm angry he didn't think enough of me and our children to put us in this position. I think of all the times someone hit on me and I told them not going to happen and avoided them like the plague afterwards, yet he wasn't able to do that for me. Their stupid emails and how he totally crucified me to her play over and over again in my head, and I wonder all the time about their conversations on the phone even though I know it doesn't matter in the long run. I think how sickening it is he could look me in the eye knowing his actions behind my back. If I didn't have exams today, I'd be crawling back in bed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This sure rings a bell or two with me. My H had a nine mo A. During that time he was more attentive to me then he had been in a long time, and I never had a clue. I thought that he was happy about our relationship. It turns out that he was extra happy because he was getting it on the side, with someone a little less than half my age. While acting like the perfect H to everyone, he was telling her about how " rocky " our marriage was, and how I mistreated him. Of course she was trashing her H to him also. She started hitting on him several months before they got intimate. He never said word one about that to me, or even that he was working with a female partner; and I know as well as I know my own name that if that had been going on in my life he would have been told about it from the first inappropriate remark. He thinks that all we need now is for me to " forgive " him and everything will be peachy. It doesn't really work that way. The trauma of this kind of betrayal stays with you, and it changes the marriage for all time. I liked my marriage before the A and he always told me how happy he was too. I didn't want it changed into what it has become.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

One of the things that drives me crazy is my wife is so inappropriate all the time she will just blather away anything to anyone in earshot--a stranger is her new best friend (roll eyes) I've been at times listening to her say something she shouldn't with company and tried subtly to stop her and she'll turn to me and angrily say "WHAT!?" and I'm thinking you insensitive moron!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SIP said:


> He did seem regretful. He cried a lot, wrote me several apology letters, and has been reassuring verbally that he is not doing anything to mess up our marriage. The only thing I can say he doesn't like to do is discuss it. I feel that is more out of shame and guilt then him being malicious.


What you need, then, is to go to marriage counseling, where you CAN get him to discuss it, for your sake.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Maybe I have a bad view of this because I'm fresh off my D-Day, but I guess I'm not sure that true forgiveness means you don't get triggered or upset by things.

I mean I honestly feel like I have forgiven my wife. There are times where I have anger or am hurt. There are times when I think about what happened and get sad. But I still choose to love my wife, and I still accept her apology and choose to see her as a good person.

I don't care how good you are at forgiveness, or how much time has passed since your incident. If you saw a picture of your spouse and the cheater kissing, you are going to get angry and upset. It's natural, because you love your spouse so much and being reminded of the event is painful and discomforting.

Do not beat yourself up over a trigger. You recognized that you lost control, apologized, and understand that's not a good reaction. You are a human being, we make mistakes.

Give yourself more time, and applaud yourself for having the courage to stick with your marriage and recognize that you made a mistake. It takes a strong person to do that! And for what it's worth, applaud your husband for having the strength to stick it out as well. He also recognized he was being an idiot and apologized, that takes a strong person too.

The trust thing will come. I am dealing with the same things as you. I KNOW my wife isn't cheating, I know she wouldn't dare dream of it ever again. But there is still insecurity there. It's natural. Physiologically your body will not allow you to handle that kind of pain again, like a child who gets bit by a dog will have a fear of them. It will take time for your husband to prove his loyalty. It will take time for you to trust him without having to check up on him. Do not be so hard on yourself. If you are otherwise having a good relationship, and you are both working on being there for eachother, you are doing a good job! Be proud of yourself, not guilty!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Every once in a while I find myself googling the usernames he used on sex sites and I stop and think to myself, what am I DOING?


Oh gosh. You're so right. I went through a phase like that, too. Someone on TAM actually has a name that triggers me as their username ImAllIn. 

That was my exh's headline/post on his sex solicitation dating ads.



turnera said:


> What you need, then, is to go to marriage counseling, where you CAN get him to discuss it, for your sake.


Why, hello, there! It's been a long time


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

I'm going through the same thing. It's really hard to shut up when your trying not to let them know your still watching.

He had no less than 11 online dating profiles (i uncover more and more) and before I confronted him, he had the nerve to call a woman a ***** because she was living with a friend of his, and he found dating profiles on her.

I almost jumped out the window of a truck going 60 when the words came out of his mouth! I have never felt my heart race like it did that day. When we got home I was almost to weak to climb out of the truck! 

I still don't have the whole truth either. He's retired military. Has PTSD really bad, and claims he doesn't remember emailing a woman named debbie, and he doesn't remember the phone numbers he hid that I found, he doesn't remember geting up at 1am, and sneaking out of the house and not coming home till 5. he doesn't remember the other army sgt coming to our house when I was pregnant to tell me his wife was having an affair with my husband. He doesn't remeber the rubber i found in his uniform. Or me throwing the ring in his face......ew..... im getting TICKED just typing it....breathe....


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Thank you. I do have triggers but yesterday was really crazy. I guess because it was a public place, in front of friends and the fact those words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. On the other hand maybe he will think before he speaks or work on having respectful conversation?

I do give him credit for all his efforts, I know my situation could be much worse but that was probably the worst trigger I have had. I think I have to for myself let go a little and not consume myself with worry over what he could or could not be doing. I know me I'll still verify from time to time but for my own sanity I think I have to stop obsessing about it.
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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

madwoman said:


> I'm going through the same thing. It's really hard to shut up when your trying not to let them know your still watching.
> 
> He had no less than 11 online dating profiles (i uncover more and more) and before I confronted him, he had the nerve to call a woman a ***** because she was living with a friend of his, and he found dating profiles on her.
> 
> ...


How long ago was this? Sounds like you're still not done with the initial stage yet...

I'm still snooping, though every day I feel like it's getting better and I'm less compulsive. But we're both in this place where we want NOTHING between us so I am completely open and honest about it even though it bothers her when I snoop. I tell her, "Look this is still fresh and I am trusting you more every day. Every day I do it and find nothing I am less and less anxious. When you freak out about it it makes me go backwards." And then I ask for patience for the next few months.

I think of it as trudging a path in the snow. Every day the path becomes easier to tread, some days it snows and the work is a little harder or some of it gets erased, but if I make a little progress every day it will eventually become easy.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I 100% agree with SHOOBOO. But I will also like to add a few more points here if it is ok with you. I read on the tail end of your post that Divorce was not an option for you, and earlier on you said that your Husband had a EA about a year ago. The problem is for me the Pandora's Box of Spying and it has a Dark Side like you wouldn't want to believe, and I also get the feeling that you will drive your self crazy in the process of trying to keep track of everything. 

I was in your shoes although I wasn't married I was with my Ex-SO for almost 10 years (Give or take). After I found out the second time I became so obsessed in "Finding" out the truth or keeping tabs on him that I lost myself in the process. Sometimes I would go for months at a time and I wouldn't look at his phone, or try to get on his computer etc. Then I would check, and check, and check and check. Sure my ex wasn't helping but I left because I didn't want to "Trust but verify" I wanted to just trust. 

I learned the deeper issue wasn't just him cheating on me but I had to figure out for myself that I mattered! And I deserve better and I shouldn't have to keep checking anything to have a peace of mind, because truth be told it wasn't a piece of mind. 

Let's say for argument's sake that your Husband has done everything he could to try to Reconcile with you, sometimes it can be too little to late, you have to be honest here, can you live with this for the rest of your life? The part about this is, it is only a year ago so granted it is still brand new. But what about 2 years from now? Three years from now? Maybe six years... Years of snooping and planing, checking his car making sure the gas is right, tracking his phone, putting a gps on the phone, checking cc cards, following friends alibi's, placing VARS inside cars, homes, etc. It becomes insane for awhile, your trying to find the truth about your husband or do you work for the government?Also it is the little things the knot in your stomach and your not trying to freak out if he comes home a little late, checking his pockets or phone while he asleep? Or when he is in the shower? Checking his clothes for makeup, purfume, checking the car for evidence?... When does it stop? If it all?

For some people it never stops, it's not just about the cheating but you have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself. Do I really want to live like this? "There is a saying if you keep looking for something you will find it". I hope in your case that it is just the early triggers that most people have. 

But if it is not and divorce is not a option, then I'm sorry to say but welcome to hell." Trust when I say that your husband was wrong in what he did no doubt about it, but when that trust is broken it is hard to look at that person the same again. If you can get past it Great, If not then you have some tough questions and answers that only you know the answer to.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

krismimo said:


> I
> 
> Let's say for argument's sake that your Husband has done everything he could to try to Reconcile with you, sometimes it can be too little to late, you have to be honest here, can you live with this for the rest of your life? The part about this is, it is only a year ago so granted it is still brand new. But what about 2 years from now? Three years from now? Maybe six years... Years of snooping and planing, checking his car making sure the gas is right, tracking his phone, putting a gps on the phone, checking cc cards, following friends alibi's, placing VARS inside cars, homes, etc. It becomes insane for awhile, your trying to find the truth about your husband or do you work for the government?Also it is the little things the knot in your stomach and your not trying to freak out if he comes home a little late, checking his pockets or phone while he asleep? Or when he is in the shower? Checking his clothes for makeup, purfume, checking the car for evidence?... When does it stop? If it all?
> 
> ...


His EA was a year ago ... It ended as far as I know in October but I didn't find out about until May of this year. I am not sure what made her wait all of that time to say something (it's always seemed odd to me) but she contacted in May. So for me it's pretty fresh. Then it was several weeks later in June that I posted on here and someone suggested checking dating sites so I did and yep he was registered on Match as 'Never Married'. Now he had not filled out complete profile so he wasn't getting 'matched' or able to have contact. He was just able to view pictures of single women. He stated that is why he joined but that's bs. You don't have to join a dating site to view women, you can do that just by stepping outside. No the reality is that he probably realized he had to pay (my husband is a penny pincher, not a bad thing) OR he got interrupted at work while filling it out and just decided or never got a chance to complete the profile. 

I think part of the problem I still have, because he does make great effort, is I do not feel I ever got the complete truth. I feel like I had to pull it out of him and even then there are a few things that still do not make sense to me. For example, he stated originally they only spoke two or three times, nope 7 months and I had to get the proof for him to admit it. Another thing was when he realized she was telling me everything he logged in his email account and deleted all of the emails or so he thought and told me he forgot pw. Well I recovered the pw "he forgot" and found his emails he forgot to delete in his Sent folder. That also verified how often they spoke and the context of the emails. It was his last email though that confused me and still does. After all their reminiscing and wondering what it would of been like to marry one another (I'm going to vomit) He says to her that he values me and our family and that it would be bad I may want to leave if I knew, etc. it confused and confuses me because the last email sounded panicky on his part and I didn't understand how he could say he valued me to her after all of the lying and sharing of intimacy and trashing me to her. It may be of no significance looking from the outside but it is to me. 

Before I came on this site I had only shared with my older friend (she's more of a mom figure) what occurred and I was told if I wanted to make it work with him, I couldn't ever bring it up and remind him. Well I gotta say even then I thought that was not great advice as that would only benefit him and cause me to deal with everything on my own. I did start to keep a digital journal but he wound up breaking the code on it and reading it so I quit. He did tho have sincere concern for what I had written and I do believe he is disgusted with himself and the pain he has caused. Then I started doing relaxation cd's and actually they helped me a lot! Some were self esteem and motivational cd's and helped me to not feel so anxious or sad. 

I think at this point I just miss having faith in him. I lost a lot of respect for him. Sometimes I'm sitting next to him and silently picking him apart wondering how can he lie so good and trying to figure out what else does he lie about, such as him loving me etc. I know that sounds pathetic but that is what I do. 

I want to spend my life with him. I meant for better or for worse - this being the worst I guess. I just need to feel comfortable that a year, two or five years from now I am not going to have to deal with this again. I know though that is not something that can be answered. 

I do need to get better control over my triggers. Besides the incident at the restaraunt, there have been a number of other things that have caused me to lash out. Some that just aren't realistic, like now I find myself getting angry if I even think he's checking out another woman or I can't watch movies that have cheating content and I avoid any conversations that would remind me of the OW. Oh and when the commercials come on for the dating sites I have thoughts of drop kicking the tv  <---- This last one though I have noticed my husband changes the channel or mutes it when the commercials come on (I think he knows it may remind me, I give him tons of credit for that)

But I don't want to verify and verify but at the same time it gives me security but then again it's exhausting. I am all over the place emotionally and know that I probably will need to seek counseling if I am ever going to really work this out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

SIP you got really bad advice from a well intentioned friend. Your lashing out and resentment is just evidence that you didn't get a chance to be open throughout this. You bottled your feelings up and of course they are going to come out at some point.

You can't go through a traumatic experience like this without hashing out painful things with your spouse. You won't *ever* heal like that. Be honest about that with your husband, preferably in counseling. Tell him you got bad advice and so you bottled up a lot of the resentment, but that you want to let it go so you need to share some feelings you've been holding onto.

It's not your job to protect your husband, it's your job to share your feelings in a respectful, loving way. I had to learn that lesson the hard way, but it's improved my marriage 100 fold, even though it causes some (ok a lot) of pain and discomfort initially.

If you can't be open or honest about your feelings with the person who is supposed to be guarding your heart and supporting you, what kind of life will you have? You will feel unfulfilled and end up miserable, divorced, or having an affair yourself when someone else comes along who is willing to be there for you.

You are the betrayed spouse, but you still have work to do to heal your marriage. Being open about your feelings is one of those things. Counseling and written letters are a great way to do it without being confrontational. It's really easy to come off as aggressive face-to-face.


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