# When to tell the kids



## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

My wife and I are going through a divorce; both feel like this is the right thing as we have been growing apart for a long time. We have been married for 10yrs and dated for 6, so we have been together over 16 years, we have a daughter that is 9yr old. 
My question is when it is a good time to tell (D9) her that we are divorcing. Should we tell her now, do we wait until the time is closer to the move out date, as to not to make it harder for her as we all are still living in the house. I just don’t know what the right decision is on how much advance notice we should give her about the divorce and what’s going to happen. 
I believe that the truth needs to be given to her, just not when we should do it. 
My wife will be moving out from my house, I have tried to keep her in there until the school year is over just to make the transition for (D9) her easier, but the wife says she does not like the idea, and has found a new place down the street. 
Any advice is always well welcome as I am not sure how to proceed ….


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I talked to our marriage counsellor about this when I wanted a separation; my wife had stopped attending at that point. His suggestion was to give the kids a few days to adjust to the idea in between telling them and someone moving out. So we told them on a Saturday morning, and I moved out on the Monday evening of a long weekend. Our kids were 10 and 12 at the time. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Thanks for the reply.. 
I have been told by a few different people to wait until the last week or so before anyone moves out, then explane to them that there are issues and that mommy and i will be living at seperate locations.. also i was told to try and make it sound as positive as we can, i know she (D9) has seen us at our worst, but we never fought in front of her, or for that we never fought at all....


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Good plan to wait until the move out is closer. Reassure her that both of you will always love her, that it was not about her at all, that she gets two bedrooms.
Try to find a place close to her friends and in the same school district, if possible, for scheduling purposes. Its also somewhat reassuring to some kids to know that if they forgot something "critical" at one parent's house its not too far to retrieve it. Just some thoughts.


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

Good advice above. I would also wait til it is close. Your daughter will react in a number of ways - so that is what you need to prepare for.

When my parents got divorced I personally just said ok whatever. My brother on the other hand took it harder - he lashed out a bit, had a lot of questions, and was emotional during the transition.

The important point as mentioned above is to be ready for this, don't try to fix their behavior as they will go through this divorce too - be there for her, let her work it out, listen to her, get her help if needed and make sure she knows you both love her!!

Good luck

Joe


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

My STBXH and I also talked to a therapist about the timing and what to say. She also suggested that the kids not be there when he actually moved out.

We did those things and the kids (9 and 11) seem to be handling it pretty well. It's been over two weeks since we told them. They are just now starting to ask more questions. I think it takes time for kids to process.

Have you figured out your custody arrangement?

Good luck with everything. It is NOT a fun conversation to have.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Again thanks for the reply’s... 
We have talked about the custody of D9, and it looks like it is going to stay the same as it is now. During the marriage my STBXW worked evenings two times a week. So I would have her on those days, and every other Saturday.

I think waiting until a week or two before they move out (kills me that my D9 has to move out, but that’s what the STBX wants, I have been trying to keep them in the house until school ends) to let her know what we are doing. 

We have not really talked on how we are going to approach the topic yet with D9, but STBX says that I should do it... not sure about that one, as I think we both need to sit her down and walk her thru what happened, what’s going to happen and what to expect from both of her parents.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

We did it "together", although I did most/all of the talking, as I recall. I can accept that, since it was me deciding on the separation. But I do think it was the right thing for both of us to be there.

C


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Sammy64 said:


> Again thanks for the reply’s...
> We have talked about the custody of D9, and it looks like it is going to stay the same as it is now. During the marriage my STBXW worked evenings two times a week. So I would have her on those days, and every other Saturday.
> 
> I think waiting until a week or two before they move out (kills me that my D9 has to move out, but that’s what the STBX wants, I have been trying to keep them in the house until school ends) to let her know what we are doing.
> ...


My feeling is that it should definitely be both of you. If you have decided it together, it's not really fair for only parent to have to break the news.


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