# Has anyone ever regretted?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Just curious: Has anyone ever truly regretted cheating on their spouse? I don't mean because life suddenly got hard, you know: divorce, finances, broken family, depression, mistrust and things never being the same?
Has anyone truly regretted hurting their spouse, and wishes to heaven that things could go back to the way they were, before the A?
Does anyone who has cheated regret not working things out with their spouse, rather than bolting for what they were certain was going to be a better deal, and then realized that their spouse was the best deal all along?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

F-102 said:


> Has anyone truly regretted hurting their spouse, and wishes to heaven that things could go back to the way they were, before the A?


As in intrinsically understanding what their cheating has done to their whole being?

Doubt it happens much.

Can't unring a bell, btw.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Just curious: Has anyone ever truly regretted cheating on their spouse? I don't mean because life suddenly got hard, you know: divorce, finances, broken family, depression, mistrust and things never being the same?
> Has anyone truly regretted hurting their spouse, and wishes to heaven that things could go back to the way they were, before the A?
> Does anyone who has cheated regret not working things out with their spouse, rather than bolting for what they were certain was going to be a better deal, and then realized that their spouse was the best deal all along?


That's me in a nutshell.
When I saw the look of absolute anguish and pain on my wife's face (I confessed), I wanted to die.
I wish I had never done it. I wish that we both had been able to talk about our unhappiness in our relationship and work it out without all the pain that we both caused.
However, today we are so in love. I see her and my heart skips a beat. She smiles and I melt. I have never loved her more than I do now.
We both did the absolute worst thing that we could do to each other and the memories are still painful.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

DanF said:


> However, today we are so in love. I see her and my heart skips a beat. She smiles and I melt. I have never loved her more than I do now.
> We both did the absolute worst thing that we could do to each other and the memories are still painful.


Though I am the LS, I hope I can get that point again. I used to feel that way. But,That is one reason I come on here. Some of the success stories helps out, like yours.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Bigwayneo said:


> Though I am the LS, I hope I can get that point again. I used to feel that way. But,That is one reason I come on here. Some of the success stories helps out, like yours.


It wasn't easy, BigWayneo.
Here's my story (condensed somewhat)
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/18394-recovering-infidelity.html
Feel free to ask me anything. I have followed a lot of your situation and I know it sucks, but it can get better.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I think so, but from my experience they get over it a lot sooner than teh Loyal Spouse.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's very rare for a cheating spouse to be remorseful and regret what they have done. Part of the reason is that they just don't think they have done anything wrong. And as a loyal spouse, I think we yearn for that for closure purposes.

I've only known one person who regrets his past affairs. My friend was cheating on his wife some 25 years ago (and they divorced). They had a very young son at the time. After he was remarried and turned to God, he did go apologize to his ex and his son. What he did to them still haunts him and there are days he really has trouble dealing with his past behavior. 

That's one of the things I want most--an apology. Material things really do not mean that much to me any longer, but a genuine apology would go a long way with the healing process. My divorce lawyer seem kind of baffled by what I most wanted.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

OP, many people regret the choice to cheat. If it were not so, then what would be the use of confession?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

F-10--there is NOT A SINGLE DAY now for a year and a half that I have not regretted my cheating. I have extreme guilt for what I did, which is totally deserved. My husband didn't deserve that at all, no matter how bad things were between us. He also cheated but hasn't really expressed remorse. And that's fine--that is his deal. There isn't a day where the feeling isn't present for me. I have apologized profusely to my husband, about 20 different times, in person, on the phone, in a letter, every which way you can imagine. Still it doesn't ease it for me and probably not for him either. I've seen a therapist, confessed, repented, the whole shebang. Still, it will never go away.

If I had a magic wand, I would erase what I did completely. Also, I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions and dont blame him for what I did at all. 

There is nothing in my life I've felt more shameful & regretful of, so stupid, silly, selfish, and the list go on, for doing. Soooo not worth it. I'll never know if things would be different if I hadn't cheated or he hadn't cheated but I do know that I will forever hate myself for doing what I did and will probably never forgive myself. How could I? I used to keep a little sticker with an "A" on it near the tele to remind me of what I did. Not that the memory ever fades. I disrespected my husband, my marriage and myself. And I will have to live with that forever. Very disappointed in myself.

It's scum and worth all the pain I've caused and endured.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I guess now's a good time to confess: though I never had an affair, PA or EA, and have never been cheated on, (maybe I was cheated on, but that was over 20 yrs ago, and I was just a dumb kid at the time) I have flirted with a few women and like many who do it, felt that it was harmless fun. But the more I think about those times (over 10 years ago), I just have to ask myself; WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! 
Clearly, I wasn't thinking at all. And while I did admit it to my W, and she really had no problem with it, I still look back and wish I had acted a little more maturely.

Damn, what if it had gotten out of hand? What if I was named in a harassment suit? I know I'm only human, but jeez, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm... I wish that I hadn't done what I did. Not because it hurt my spouse (she never found out), not because I feel horribly guilty (I don't; the relationship was over by then), but because I'm not proud of the "label" I have to give myself. A cheater. I wish I would have done things in the right sequence, so I could have left that relationship with my honor and integrity intact.

C


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Just curious: Has anyone ever truly regretted cheating on their spouse? I don't mean because life suddenly got hard, you know: divorce, finances, broken family, depression, mistrust and things never being the same?
> Has anyone truly regretted hurting their spouse, and wishes to heaven that things could go back to the way they were, before the A?
> Does anyone who has cheated regret not working things out with their spouse, rather than bolting for what they were certain was going to be a better deal, and then realized that their spouse was the best deal all along?


I regret all of this,. But I mostly regret just hurting him.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A better question is do you regret suffering or do you regret being the cause of suffering.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I am the LS but my H has told me many times how much he regrets it. Regrets his selfish stupid choice, regrets hurting me and wishes he could take it all back. Has told me numerous times if he could turn back time and take it all back he would in a heart beat.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

always everyday, for the rest of my life. I can't stand how much I hurt him, and it will always be there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> A better question is do you regret suffering or do you regret being the cause of suffering.


Both. More the "cause of suffering."


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## pinky24 (Apr 28, 2011)

Every single day. I got married in September and 5 weeks before the wedding, 5 weeks of flirting culminated in spending a night with someone I worked with, someone I trusted not to take advantage of me and someone who i thought had become a very good friend. I didn't have sex with him (not in it's true sense) but things were bad enough I believe (I was so drunk that I don't remember all the details but have spoken to the OM and he assures me I refused to have sex with him) not that that really helps matters as the deceit was still there.
I grew close to this guy 5 weeks beforehand and there was a mutual attraction there, when he confessed he liked me and wanted to kiss me (which I guess I already knew) I refused point blank to take things further and told him I never would as was getting married and would not cheat on my OH and yes admitted that although I was attracted to him a lot I wanted him to respect how I felt. He said he would and would never do anything to hurt me or that would make me hate him but then (and I can see this now) pushed and pushed until I practically gave in! Obviously I'm to blame too and I accept that but I was at such a vulnerable point in my life; stress from the wedding, me and the OH not getting on, getting drunk etc etc I feel really angry that he didn't respect how I felt and could see how weak I was. He blatantly didn't have morals (he's married with 2 kids) but I did, or thought I did and I hate myself so much for what I did; I kissed him a few times and spent that one night with him. All I really wanted was his company, he made me feel good about myself and I loved talking to him. It was never about sex for me but I still had feelings that I shouldn't have. I hate myself every single day and am struggling to move on with my life. I confessed all to my hubby only 2 months ago and he's been brilliant, very understanding as he can see how this has (and still is) completely eating me up. I don't expect sympathy, I know what I did was wrong. Granted, it could have been a lot worse and I know I kept telling this guy I couldn't communicate with him anymore but I had to work with him (he was the MD of the company) so it proved really difficult to cut off completely. I have now but I can't move on, I wish so much I could go back in time and make things right again. I torment myself every day by thinking back to last year before it all happened and thinking about how happy I was and how 'innocent' I was, and then every day play out different scenarios in my head about how I could have stopped things getting as far as they did, about being stronger etc etc. I know I can't change things but how on earth can I move on? I know I owe it to my hubby to not dwell on things, even he's said I've beaten myself up enough about it but I wish more than anything that I hadn't done it. Does anyone have any advice about moving on?
x


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Does anyone who has cheated regret not working things out with their spouse, rather than bolting for what they were certain was going to be a better deal, and then realized that their spouse was the best deal all along?


In my case, I didn't leave for the OM. We barely spoke after my hub and I separated. I left because my marital home was a very intesne environment. We had not spoken hardly in a month and a half the day I left. In fact, he had things packed up in boxes in the living room the day I left. (He kept saying he was going to leave).

I was the one who wanted to work on our M, wanted to counselling, wanted to reconcile...he didn't and filed for D and only later attended MC with me, but he also filed for D the same week.

So no I do not regret trying to reconcile at all because I know I tried everything. He did tell me he will always have t live w/ the fact he didn't "try hard enough."


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I've been cheated on, I've cheated myself...it's a no-win situation as far as I'm concerned. Because of this, I have almost zero trust in anyone...After all, I know the signs of a cheating partner, and I know what I've gotten up to myself - so I've got this feeling that I can't be fooled, that I'm too smart to fall for it all again. But I'm constantly susupicious, and believe me, it's a tough way to live.

A couple of years ago, I decided no more. No more putting up with ANY type of disloyal behaviour from men, and certainly no more disloyal behaviour on MY part, either. I hope that by my change in attitude, that I have attracted a good man, who won't cross that uncrossable line.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think that many people who cheat feel a great sense of regret....however, the regret almost always manifests itself AFTER their spouse finds out about it rather than before. Therefore, i think that most regret getting caught rather than the cheating itself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

In my case we both told eachother we cheated... But I know that is the exception. Most cheaters are caught out/discovered. 

At the end of the day, cheating sucks. It's not worth it at all.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

The suffering... What did I do to deserve this?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

They say you regret the things you don't do not the things you do.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I have extreme guilt for what I did, which is totally deserved. My husband didn't deserve that at all, no matter how bad things were between us. He also cheated but hasn't really expressed remorse. And that's fine--that is his deal.


I love this acknowledgment on your part. Too many times we say "_I apologized but he/she hasn't and that is messed up and yada yada yada_" rather than what we should do, which is what you just said. You apologized, you repented, he didn't but that doesn't have anything to do with you and you don't have any control over that. Love it.


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

I can't help but think if the regret comes from the right place... My husband said he regretted it and wish he never would have done it and "sorry" and "I don't know what I was thinking," etc. However, I can't help but wonder if he regrets is because he couldn't live with the guilt, because I got so upset over it, or because he truly believed it was the wrong thing to do. Don't know if it matters, but I don't know if the regret is sincere if he is only upset after seeing me when he told me... Wouldn't true regret (not that I'll ever know) be if he regretted it even if he never told a soul? Maybe I'm wrong since he did say it was just him and her that knew and chances are I wouldn't have found out, but still... I can't help but wonder.


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## pinky24 (Apr 28, 2011)

If my experience is anything to go by then your husband could truly be regretful for all the right reasons, as I am. My OH would not have found out about my 'blip' but I chose to tell him. Apart from one horrible night where we had a big row he's been fantastic and actually really supportive to me (yes I know, how on earth do I ever deserve him!!) and what the heck was I thinking more to the point?! but as I get told over and over; these things aren't about black and white.... so it's me that's getting upset to the point where anyone would think I was the injured party (how selfish is that??!) I regret not still being that person my OH thought he fell in love with and I regret destroying the innocence of our relationship and I really really don't understand how i let it happen in the first place when I was so adamant I didn't want it to. So, if it helps, I know that sometimes people do cheat even when they're with the person who is their whole life, that they'd never want to hurt and that they still want to spend the rest of their lives with. In my experience it almost felt like I was 2 different people at the time and what I was doing (or thinking more to the point) didn't take away anything I felt for my OH.
Some of us are truly remorseful, it's been 2 months since I told my husband and I'm still in floods of tears every day over what I've done and how stupid I was. To the point where my husband has told me I have to get over it.....
Good luck, hope you manage to work things out. We're not all bad people, sometimes we just make stupid decisions along the way....


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

One thing I am always amazed by is how people who have cheated say that they "never wanted to hurt anyone, it just happened". Not to call them out and say they are liars and bad people, but I do have to lend some credence to it, to how easy it is to fall into it when you aren't careful.
I always think of our family friend's W (I have referred to him before-the cop whose W left him for a guy that turned out to be a real loser), and she too, never meant for it to happen, but the thing is, she knew him from work and got friendly with him, started talking about family life, and before she knew it, she was in the fog, where her H was now the bad guy. All she may have wanted was a male third party to vent to, someone she could sound out to figure out why men behave the way they do-someone she didn't have to worry too much about hurting.
But, like many men, to his ears her concerns and queries stopped coming across as requests for friendly, harmless advice, and started to sound like cries for rescue, and he started taking advantage of her. 
Long story short, she left her H, married the OM, and some years later, she's fighting heroin addiction, the OM is in and out of jail, and our friend the cop has raised two fine young men.
Of course she regrets cheating in the first place, but I think it's not so much that she hurt her family-she hurt herself and lost everything, most of all, the love and respect of her children.


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

couple said:


> I think that many people who cheat feel a great sense of regret....however, the regret almost always manifests itself AFTER their spouse finds out about it rather than before. Therefore, i think that most regret getting caught rather than the cheating itself.


Couple, I am so glad I decided to look at the second page of this string of posts to see your statement because I was about to post a question that you already answered. I too feel that most, including my DS, regret getting caught and not the damaging actions that were taken. If that wasn't the case, most DS won't take their cheating deeper undercover once caught if they sincerely regretted their actions and hurting their spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Not all DS are the same. Some DS have one ONS and never again cheat and then there are others who have multiple encounters. The former group - ONS - is more likely to have remorseful people than the latter group because knowing they could continue having more clandestine extra marital encounters, they ultimately chose not to. Granted that this a generalization and not 100% accurate, but I believe its one that may just be closer to being true.


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

morituri said:


> Not all DS are the same. Some DS have one ONS and never again cheat and then there are others who have multiple encounters. The former group - ONS - is more likely to have remorseful people than the latter group because knowing they could continue having more clandestine extra marital encounters, they ultimately chose not to. Granted that this a generalization and not 100% accurate, but I believe its one that may just be closer to being true.


Well in my case my husband called his affair a one night stand and I had to correct him and let him know that just because he cheated with ONE person multiple times does NOT classify it as a one night stand. It is still cosidered an affair/ commiting adultry. He actually looked at me like I had grown two heads. I guess he will think what he wants to justify his actions or ease the guilt that is currently plaguing him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

I don't feel guilty. I wish I'd waited until we divorced (still haven't) but I don't feel guilty. She witheld sex from me for several years and I talked till I was blue in the face to try and get her to come around. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. And I wasn't even looking. I was sought out. Oh well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I do not understand marriages where there isn't sex ror yrs. That is baffling to me. But that is also another subject.


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

rider03 said:


> I don't feel guilty. I wish I'd waited until we divorced (still haven't) but I don't feel guilty. She witheld sex from me for several years and I talked till I was blue in the face to try and get her to come around. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. And I wasn't even looking. I was sought out. Oh well.


Rider03,

I'm curious to know if you are currently living with your spouse? If so, why haven't you decided to terminate your marriage if you feel you are not getting what you feel you should be getting? Also, is sex the only thing that is/ was lacking in your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

lovehonorandcherish said:


> Rider03,
> 
> I'm curious to know if you are currently living with your spouse? If so, why haven't you decided to terminate your marriage if you feel you are not getting what you feel you should be getting? Also, is sex the only thing that is/ was lacking in your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh boy...long story that I've posted here. Yes I am at home. We sperated for 8 months and I went back to try one last time. I gave up on that last fall and am preparing to file for divorce this summer, after we get through some current financial issues. No, it wasn't just the lack of sex but that's the one thing I refuse to live without. I will never do that again.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i haven't cheated and i know that i couldnt do it. despite my situation, it just isnt the right thing to do, the guilt would bury me.


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