# How do you get over love?



## Needslove (Apr 9, 2012)

Hi, I am new here. I have a problem....how do I start? I have been married for 16 years. He is a nice man, I was very young when I met him, he was my first real boyfriend. He, however, was not the man I really wanted. That man was with my very good friend and they got married.
I have wanted "P" for a very long time. I put friendship and my husband first, I loved this other man but knew it would never be.
A few years ago "P" and I were talking, he has been very unhappy in his marriage for a long time. We talked about the past and why we never got together. I was afraid he would reject me and he said that I was so beautiful that it intimitated him. So basically we have been attracted to one another for years. He is a wonderful father, loving and funny.
This past summer we let things get out of control and kissed. It was wonderful. We have had a few more "moments" since then. We have both felt the absolute joy of being together and the guilt as well.
He has told me that he will never leave his wife and kids. I feel the same. We go through our feelings of guilt but also realize that we have "something special" between us. We see each other frequently with friends, which makes it hard for me.
I will stay married and so will he. He is not happy in his relationship but his love for his children is most important as is mine.
My husband is a good man....but I have always loved this other man more. I never wanted to hurt anyone.
Sorry this is long winded: MY QUESTION IS HOW DO YOU STOP LOVING SOMEONE? WHEN WILL THE PAIN GO AWAY? I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING ACCORDING TO OUR SOCIETY. I HAVE TAKEN THE VOW TO BE MARRIED SO I AM SERVING MY LIFE SENTENCE LIKE I AM EXPECTED TO.
I just want the ache to go away so I can get on with my life. I cherish those moments we had.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Let your husband go and find a better wife who didn't settle for 2nd best. Self sacrifice is one thing but selfishness is another.

You married the nice guy who put you on a pedestal and would do anything for you for security. Now that the OM is back in the picture you want to find out how to give up the love you have for the OM? It should never have happened in the 1st place.

If you haven't slept with him yet, you will because that's how selfish both you and the OM are. We'll never leave our families but we just connect on all levels and eventually we'll connect with his thing inside my thing.

So, leave your husband and hope that he finds someone who loves him as much as he loves you. And when he's got that perfect family and you look back and think

"That could have been me." Then you'll realize what a huge mistake you made.

Leave your husband, let him find someone better. This isn't the special Olympics there are no 2nd or 3rd place winners.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Tell us more about "P". Did you and "P" date? How did you know him prior to you getting married?

This is not good. You are not doing the right thing according to society. Society allows divorce for just about any reason. And your life sentence could end tomorrow. Just walk.

And you are hurting someone. Your BF. He wants to be with you.

I know that this may sound rude but that something special between you and your BF will end up in you if you don't stop.

Many of us have had thoughts of what if. I could think back about Suzie, or Lori, or any number of girls I liked in HS. One I felt was a soul mate. But in reality it is fantasy and your fantasy, as real as it may seem, is a disaster ready to explode upon the real world of your families. 

You sound like a sweet girl who is messed up.

You need to end contact with "P" and focus on getting that lovin feeling with your hubby. If you don't then tell your husband to join us here because he will need help in dealing with a cheating wife that he had no clue was a cheater.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's unfair on your husband to be married to a person who thinks he's second best and has had eyes on another man for the entirety of their marriage. It's also unfair to make him believe that you're with him out of love not the security he provides. 

Ironically the other man places you as second best and is only confiding these feelings to you because he's having marital problems. If they didn't exist, I'm sure he would be very content with the woman he presently has. Note, he only liked your atheistic features whereas your husband loved everything about you and has stuck by you loyally for 16 years.


Your husband deserves a partner that has the same feelings you have for the other man and you deserve to live in an honest loving relationship.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

To answer your question, you don't. You can learn to live with it and with time and lack of interaction it will fade into the background of your mind. 

Having said that, you need to either get your heart into your marriage or get your ass out of it. Serving a life sentence is unacceptable and unfair to everyone. If you love your husband give your heart to him, otherwise let him loose.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Please do a comparison for us of your husband vs. the other man, good and bad points for both, and why you love the other man more than your husband.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Be like a hetero version of brokeback mountain. "I can't quit you"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Needslove, I am going to disagree with the other commenters that you need to leave your H... what you need to do is understand that the limerance for this OM has already enabled you to rewrite your own emotional history. Your husband was "never the man you really wanted"?? Think back to the moment in time when you walked down the aisle, looked at the admiration on face of the man who was to be your H, said "I do", and you were really thinking of this other man the whole time? I doubt it, but NOW looking back at it you've colored your entire marriage as something less than ideal, less then what you deserve.

If you can honestly say there has been no rewriting of history, and indeed you were fantasizing of this OM as you were speaking your vows and ever since, then yes the other commenters are correct the least unkind choice would be to leave your H and expect nothing from him. But I highly recommend counseling in order to deliberate and navigate all your feelings right now, and also no contact of any kind with this OM who is not your H, you owe him nothing and he has caused damaged to your marriage and your own emotions when he pursued an inappropriate relationship with you.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Basically,you've wanted this OM for the entire length of your marriage,so I can only guess you never put much effort into actually loving your husband.Your husband never had a chance and has been oblivious to the lie of his marriage right from the "I do's" Terrible thing to do to someone and yet all you're really worried about now is how to get over "your" pain and get on with "your' life.Hope you set your husband free from his illusion of you.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Needslove said:


> Hi, I am new here. I have a problem....how do I start? I have been married for 16 years. He is a nice man, I was very young when I met him, he was my first real boyfriend. He, however, was not the man I really wanted. That man was with my very good friend and they got married.
> I have wanted "P" for a very long time. I put friendship and my husband first, I loved this other man but knew it would never be.
> A few years ago "P" and I were talking, he has been very unhappy in his marriage for a long time. We talked about the past and why we never got together. I was afraid he would reject me and he said that I was so beautiful that it intimitated him. So basically we have been attracted to one another for years. He is a wonderful father, loving and funny.
> This past summer we let things get out of control and kissed. It was wonderful. We have had a few more "moments" since then. We have both felt the absolute joy of being together and the guilt as well.
> ...


To answer your question, how do you stop loving someone? You really can't stop loving someone who deep down you truely, whole-heartedly love. But you most certainly are not doing the right thing according to your soceity, cheating and living a double live outside of marriage? Is that what is "right" in your society?? By god, what society do you live in??

You have been married for 16 years, and you are in love with another man, and worse have children from this man, both (your children and husband) you have been carrying around this lie for x-amount of years?

If you want to move on and stop "loving" another man, stop all contact with him, stop all mutual friends contact, look into your children's eyes and see what really matters in your life. I always say I will never cheat on my wife, MAINLY cause I would be cheating on my children, that is enough for me. Also, you know this will never be as you have stated he would never leave his wife and children and you, yours.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Complexity said:


> It's unfair on your husband to be married to a person who thinks he's second best and has had eyes on another man for the entirety of their marriage. It's also unfair to make him believe that you're with him out of love not the security he provides.
> 
> Ironically the other man places you as second best and is only confiding these feelings to you because he's having marital problems. If they didn't exist, I'm sure he would be very content with the woman he presently has. Note, he only liked your atheistic features whereas your husband loved everything about you and has stuck by you loyally for 16 years.
> 
> ...


His "marital problems" may very well be his historical rewrite, or an out right lie in order to get into her nickers. stranger things have happened.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

"MY QUESTION IS HOW DO YOU STOP LOVING SOMEONE? WHEN WILL THE PAIN GO AWAY? I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING ACCORDING TO OUR SOCIETY. I HAVE TAKEN THE VOW TO BE MARRIED SO I AM SERVING MY LIFE SENTENCE LIKE I AM EXPECTED TO."

Really!

Stop being so pretentious.
You are not serving a life sentence, you made a choice.
As for not wanting to hurt anyone, how did you think it would end?

You are indeed rewriting your own history to suit your own agenda and the sooner you stand up to the plate and take responsibility for what you have created the better.
I also think this guy is filling you with the s**t you need to hear in order to score. It's an all too common thing with AP. Read the thread:any former players womanizers here and read the response I posted from a player. It may help to open your eyes a little.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

i dont believe you. you have been together 16 years with no love..
you shared all those ups and downs without love.

you say there is no love. think of your life without your husband. 
there is no option to have both. 

He is isosing love for you right now, disconnecting. Everyday that you remain in your delusion is a day you are closer to divorce and a life alone. This is the choice you are making.
You may not be seeing it as a choice, but a choice it is!


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

dont be cheated my love. You are in a dream an illusion forget about this man and concentrate on serving out yo life sentence.. You made yo bed so you lie in it. Anything contrary to that is disaster. Yo chasing after the wind and you ll end up destroying all you built. You ll end up lonely and dejected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Lot of BS advice posted on this thread. It's really simple, your in a physical affair with P, you are an adulteress. If you want to save your marriage you need to cut off all contact with the OM! Simple as that. All the other stuff as painful as it might be has to be seen as not important......if you continue down this road a good number op people will be hurt and scared - most of all the children. Chaulk it up to "what might have been"....we all have those, and quit cheating on your husband, and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

I agree, lot's of terrible advice on this thread by people who have either been cheated on or afraid it will happen in that wonderfully happy social construct called their marriage.

The shaming language is especially telling.

OP, 

Do what makes you happy. Your kids only get traumatized if the parents act like total fuqtards about it.

What you are showing the kids now is not to follow their heart, but to live a life of conforming, settling and misery because it is the "right thing to do" in the eyes of other people who have no stake in it and at the end of the day will care less.


Do you want them to grow up and end up in a marriage just like yours? 


Why do so many people rush to get married in what end up unfulfilling relationshops?

Because that is what everybody else does. 

For at least half the population, taking the plunge is more like following the rest of the herd of sheeple off the cliff.


And just to be clear. I am not against marriage at all. I think nothing is better than a happy, mutually fulfilling, monogamous relationship.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> What you are showing the kids now is not to follow their heart, but to live a life of conforming, settling and misery because it is the "right thing to do" in the eyes of other people who have no stake in it and at the end of the day will care less.


OR, what she may be showing them is that instead of standing by your commitments, supporting your spouse and doing the hard work necessary to have the rewards to reap in your own life, that it is better to hinge your happiness on others, constantly treating people like stepping stones, always looking for a better thing to use instead of creating the better thing with the resources you already have, that vows shouldn't be entered into lightly and that the risk outweighs the benefit, that marriage is basically a sham, so to never truly give themselves to someone they love but rather be alone in the world.

Who knows, its a gamble and considering how many people come to regret their divorces and the future it took away from their family there is no reason to think that the OP will even get her better man.

I think what we will agree on though is that when we lie to ourselves and are insincere with people it always leads to anguish.


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## Needslove (Apr 9, 2012)

Thank you to everyone who responded. You are correct that my husband doesn't deserve to be thought of as "second". Your opinions did help, if anything, verify what I already know, what I have done is wrong.
Just a little history, I had an abusive childhood. My father should never have married and had children. By the grace of God there were loving people in my life, but no good role model as far as men went.
To "Cheating Hubby", I said my husband was a nice man....no where did I say he put me on a pedastal. My husband has hurt me physically and emotionally in the past. We did get counselling briefly and this occured 18 years ago. GOOD PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS SOMETIMES. He has not hit me since. He is a good man and I am a good woman.
I did not go out to hurt him. My feelings for this OM have been under wraps for 20 years!! I have done a very good job at keeping them in check until now.
I am not going to encourage OM. I need a clear head to decide if I really intruly love my husband. The OM will NEVER leave his family and I don't want to be used either. *I* want someone who is happy everyday that I am in their life and make me feel it.
Part of the attraction to OM is that he is a wonderful father. The kind of Dad any daughter would want. He is kind, loving, funny, and sweet.
I will figure this out. I do not feel good lying, I really am a good person with a good heart.
Thank you all again...no need to respond further to my posting.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Needslove said:


> Part of the attraction to OM is that he is a wonderful father. The kind of Dad any daughter would want. He is kind, loving, funny, and sweet.
> I will figure this out. I do not feel good lying, I really am a good person with a good heart.


The other person always has some quality that is lacking from our spouses that we latch on to. For me it was because I was always accustomed to the bad girl who put out and liked to have a good time.

My wife was the good girl, studied hard and boy did I have to zip up my pants waiting to get some. I was actually contemplating bailing after a month because she hadn't put out but my best friend persuaded me to wait it out. She didn't put out for over 6 months and I waited. I'm used to 2 or 3 dates at most before her.

As to the OM being a great father, on the outside he might seem like super dad but you don't know how he is with them alone and at home. I've seen fathers and mothers who were thought to be the perfect parent but alone with their kids they were monsters.

When we look at the OM/OW what we see is a mirror. We look at them and say wow, they're so much like me and we have so much in common. Look closer at the mirror and then you start to see all the cracks and broken pieces that they have glued together to make themselves look better.

It's like the 2 perfect couple when they are dating. Once they move in, all hell breaks loose and they find out they weren't such a good match after all. Live with the perfect OM/OW for a while and most of the time you'll want to shoot yourself for being so stupid (I was there)

Yes I was practically living with the OW 1/2 of the time at the end of the affair. As long as we were drinking we had lots of fun. No alcohol and it was sitting at the TV watching a movie and not much else. But to me that was heaven because my mind had convinced me it was heaven at that point.

And to your husband beating you, do you feel there is still some deep resentment (hidden) somewhere?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

great father as in "having affair with a married woman and possibly destroying 2 families"?


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

Why do you love someone who didn't want you years ago? He picked another woman over you already, why would you think he'll want you now? The only rush now is the forbidden love of it all. If he wanted you, he would've picked you back in the day. He didn't. 

Love is a verb. 
You stop loving them by ... stopping loving them. It's like "how do you stop jumping up and down". You just stop. _Love_ your husband.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> The shaming language is especially telling.


Are you trying to shame the shaming here dude?

Anyway, there is nothing wrong with having a set of consistent morals. You sound like you're still in early 20s at most, but trust me, it will grow on you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

lou said:


> Why do you love someone who didn't want you years ago? He picked another woman over you already, why would you think he'll want you now? The only rush now is the forbidden love of it all. If he wanted you, he would've picked you back in the day. He didn't.
> 
> Love is a verb.
> You stop loving them by ... stopping loving them. It's like "how do you stop jumping up and down". You just stop. _Love_ your husband.


Bravo Lou. This was the only response that was needed to the OP. What do I do? You love your husband dimwit and cut the crap out with fantasy man. How long is that gonna last. Good god I cannot stand it that so many people never graduate from high school romance.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

snap said:


> Are you trying to shame the shaming here dude?
> 
> *Anyway, there is nothing wrong with having a set of consistent morals.* You sound like you're still in early 20s at most, but trust me, it will grow on you.


I certainly never claimed anything to the contrary.

You must be one of the ones who has either been cheated on or is insecure it could happen to you.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I certainly never claimed anything to the contrary.
> 
> You must be one of the ones who has either been cheated on or is insecure it could happen to you.


Of course I've been cheated on. Look around, Sherlock, this is what this whole sub-forum is about, so my reason for hanging out here is pretty obvious.

Now, what's your reason?


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

^^Well I am sorry that happened.

I am not here to tell people they can't feel a certain way. 

I just don't understand what the shaming language accomplishes, especially when it is directed at somebody who comes here and honestly discloses how they're in a less than ideal situation. That's indicative of at least having some concious.

They're obviously lost and want help.

Of course I can admit I was indeed shaming the shamers, so I guess I'm a hypocrite.

We all have our different takes.

Cheers,


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