# Having new feelings toward sex with W.



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Wifey and I haven't had sex since the first weekend in December. Really sucks. That marked the 10th or 11th time we had sex all 2011. So our sex life is struggling to say the least.

For a long time I was living with the feelings that I was undesirable, or the sex was terrible, and I kept feeling that I just wanted her I wanted her, like thats all I could think about when I got home. How to get us to start to have sex again. Help with the chores, turn on the foreplay, pamper her with a bath and massage....all this crap. 


I would always get the "you're pressuring me" speech. 

Now in the last week or two I have been feeling something different. I'm scared and feel pressure too. I'm scared to begin to have sex with my wife again. How will we do it, how or who will initiate it? For us, it probably won't "just happen" because we don't even put ourselves in situations where sex could be the outcome. How will I be? I have a feeling of pressure to blow her mind sexually because we've not been doing it. So I want to give her amazing sex so she'll come back for more. I don't really think I'm an amazing sex type of guy. I think we have had amazing sex, because we really felt it and were really passionate about it, and loved to have sex with each other. I've been turned off from initiating sex with her. She doesn't give me signals when she wants it (if ever). I think she may have those feelings occasionally, but because we have not had sex in so long, its awkward for her to let me know. I understand this, but If I initiate at the wrong time it only pushes the no-sex off more days and weeks.

She doesn't know or realize how much we probably have the same fears when it comes to our intimacy. 

Would it be valuable for her to be aware how scary sex is for me right now and how much pressure I feel too? I think she feels that it's just sex for me. And that at any time, I would be ready to go with her (yes probably, but it would still be awkward).


I feel like we need to start our physical relationship over. Very hard to do with someone that does not want to discuss or listen to sex talk, or physical relationship talk.

I mean if she could come to terms with it too, then all those sites and articles to "spice up the love life" "re-connect with your mate" "40-beads" .. any of that crap would be easier to do with someone that is willing to do their part and be accepting of my part.


Any other men out there ever feel this scary/pressure feeling in the middle of your sexless marriage?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As Athol says, if you're not having sex with your wife, it's because she's not that into you.

Your wife claims to be pressured and uncomfortable about sex. That's just because she's too polite to say that she's not sexually attracted to you.

Rather than buy her psychobabble and engage her on that front, I recommend following Athol's MAP and turn yourself into someone that your wife wants to have sex with. If she's attracted to you and you initiate sex, you rarely get turned down.

Good luck.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Not a man, but you kinda said it yourself... it's awkward. And it's like starting over. Maybe the first few times might be awkward, accept that, take small steps. 
Starting over is maybe a good way to look at it, and approach it.


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> As Athol says, if you're not having sex with your wife, it's because she's not that into you.
> 
> Your wife claims to be pressured and uncomfortable about sex. That's just because she's too polite to say that she's not sexually attracted to you.
> 
> ...


Ok I agree.

The part of this that bothers me is that physically I have not really changed much since we've been together. While she has. And she is the one that could possibly not be attracted to me sexually? I am still sexually attracted to her body. She is heavier in places that women get heavier in since our son was born. So what big deal. Can a woman's sexual appetite for her man be based only on physical appearance or is it the whole package ( no pun intended) that we constantly hear about? Confident, alpha males....


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MAEPT10 said:


> Ok I agree.
> 
> The part of this that bothers me is that physically I have not really changed much since we've been together. While she has. And she is the one that could possibly not be attracted to me sexually? I am still sexually attracted to her body. She is heavier in places that women get heavier in since our son was born. So what big deal. Can a woman's sexual appetite for her man be based only on physical appearance or is it the whole package ( no pun intended) that we constantly hear about? Confident, alpha males....


Because women place less importance on physical beauty than men do. That's why Sean Connery was People's sexiest man alive at the age of 59. As you said, it's the whole package.

Just as women tend to put on weight over time, men tend to add beta behaviors and lose alpha behaviors. Your post about pampering her and asking for sex seems a little heavy on beta and light on alpha. So stop asking for sex, add some alpha behaviors, start flirting with your wife, and see if she doesn't respond.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Although I don't necessarily agree with all the "alpha" versus "beta" analysis, but it does strike me that there is a fundamental problem of a lack of interest on her part. "starting over" or "spicing up" things is unlikely to change that.

From what you have said, it doesn't strike me that you "have the same fears". You are interested in having sex and you are almost in a completely sexless marriage. She is not here posting her concerns about sex and I would bet she hardily thinks about it unless she feels you are "pressuring her".

I assume you have had all the typical initial talks most couples have in these situations. Either she has deflected or acknowledged the problem and nothing has changed. I suppose you need to talk bluntly with her. Ask her how (specifically) you are going to work together to improve your sex life because in the absence of change you worry about your marriage.


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