# Master Manipulator



## viviann11 (Jul 15, 2011)

I'm new here posting that is - and briefly posted in the addiction room. As bad as that is - that is only one huge chunk of the pie. I've hung out awhile and read through alot of things that have hit home with me from alot of you.

I'll try and start out as brief and to the point as possible. My H and I have been married almost fifteen years dated for three prior to that. I'm never gonna say everything was great at first - because there were warning signs. But things started to increasingly go down hill once our son was born. (he is a bright awesome 13yr old now)

The emotional and verbal abuse were horrible. Back then I didn't realize that it wasn't me - until I got into counseling. Gosh... there are so many stories to tell - but the jist of it is - I finally left in 2006. I moved close by so my son could stay close to his father and remain in the same school etc. I believe the main issue for him when I left is that he would have to give me a buyout from our home and just the fact that he would be "alone" when our son wasn't with him.

So after about a year - we began to get along better - even friends. We even vacationed together. Not as husband and wife - and at that point there was nothing physical between us at all. Just friends sharing a vacation together with our son. (I know some of you think this was a huge mistake) but he was fine with it and since we had been sleeping in separate beds since our son was born... (thats right at that point had been 9 yrs sleeping apart) there wasn't really uncomfortable issues.

By spring of 2008 he had talked me into getting a disallusionment instead of a divorce. I had been lazy forcing the official end - ??? I don't even know what to put here as to why. Then... mutual friends house had a fire - alot of damage but repairable.. But with them having six kids - they were staying with other friends and it was just a struggle for everyone.

So ...... our bright idea was that I would TEMPORARILY vacate my home for a few months and let them stay while there house was being repaired. And since my H and I were getting on so much better - felt like we were helping out someone who needed it. 

Any alarms going off yet??? Huge mistake - not only did that whole arrangement go horribly wrong... we had to end up asking them to leave... got taken advantage of... only when they were out things began to turn volatile around here... he knew I wanted to go back.

So... he says directly to my 10yr old at the time... IF she goes back over there I will not come over and get you and practice baseball with you like I've been doing, I'm not gonna come get you when I don't have you to go golfing, and there will be no friendship with your mom.... it won't be like it was before... ALL of this which I overheard. Shortly after my son comes to me in the other room crying telling me "if you go back over there... it's really gonna hurt me." So.. there you have it I caved and have resented it ever since.

The house has been rented ever since but has recently become vacant.... Let me be clear when I say that the horrible things he used to say to me did stop - or were not as bad. Cuz he knew I wouldn't put up with it... but by using that back then to control me which was what he was doing - he has just found other ways to manipulate me - and I think most of it is through our son. So things changed barely... but he is still a control freak, never is wrong, OCD issues, drinks too much (so do I ) and then there are the never see it coming anger outbursts. My son broke his driver (golf) last week....??? evidence suggests he "slammed" it into the ground and broke it in 2. is this what he's learning???

I welcome all comments... I know I'll get slammed by alot of you - but thats just a thin outline of the story... I'll be the first to admit that I have issues that have gone unsolved myself. But my main feeling right now is - I want out - I can't do this anymore. Feel free to ask any questions as I wrote this out quickly - and it all might sound pretty confusing. The house that I lived in has just been vacated by renters. I'm wanting to go back... NOW! I don't know how to tell him though I think he suspects...

My parting thought - things have still been pretty bad since I've been back... going through the motions of marriage - there's no sleeping together - although he hints at it after drinking before going to bed... blech! uh no... Its just me being here to do all the things he doesn't want to do - and getting my half of the money - What will the two of us do when my son is gone? And to stay till that happens? That's what he keeps telling me - I'm "breaking up the family" People...!! What are we showing our son.? I really feel my health is starting to suffer... I have a sense of dread when I get up every day... If I've bounced to far all over the place... let me know and I'll start over. Its just such a long ugly story - was trying to get to the point as quick as possible. Thanks for reading. v


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

First, do you believe your husband is an A ("alcoholic")? Does he go on binges? Can he have a single drink and then be done with it? Does he proclaim he doesn't have a problem with drinking and then go about trying to prove he doesn't by stopping for awhile, just to pick up again? Has the drinking become progressively worse over the years?

How about your drinking? Are you alcohol-dependent, or can you walk away from it without a second thought?

A's are notorious for manipulating. It's how they maintain the cycle of drama and denial. It's always someone else's fault that they drink.

Okay, here's my take on your problem, and it's not meant as a slam: You and your H both have a sham marriage, you both have lots of anger/rage, and your child is being thrown in the middle. JMO, but I'd take my child and get him as far away from his toxic father as possible. For a man to manipulate an impressionable 10-year-old boy is disgusting.

And, for what it's worth, finger-pointing at who did what to whom does nothing constructive as far as getting past the anger. Your H has abused you. I imagine you've done some abusing yourself. Nobody is innocent when a marriage breaks down. 

As adults, we are not victims, merely volunteers. Staying stuck in a roommate/friendship type of marriage works for some people; however, it's not really a marriage in the true sense of the word.

I'm focusing on this rather than the house itself and the so-called "friends" who took advantage of you because the red flags standing out for me are that one, or possibly both of you, are dealing with potential addiction. At the very least, booze is probably the coping mechanism for dealing with all the pent-up hostility.

So what do you want to do for YOU and your son? His father isn't a good role model, you're basically done with the marriage, and it sounds like moving out and getting an attorney are in order here. Regardless of how ugly it is between you and your H, both of you should show respect to one another around your son, because HE is the victim in this situation.


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## viviann11 (Jul 15, 2011)

Prodigal. Thanks for the response. The thing *well there are actually many things that stick out in my mind from your reply. #1 - I can sit here and tell all my sad stories all day - at this point what does it matter... and after reading many posts here I'll come clean that I have become a historian. You can probably tell from my intro how clear I see events of what happened 3 years ago. Just imagine all the ugly stories I have. Once I figured out what verbal/emotional abuse was I started writing about the "incidents" - 

He has accused me since I've been back of not trying. Things were still crappy when I returned... so yea... I have not really gave my all because of anger and resentment. - I did NOT want to be here and he knew it. But he seemed fine with that - manipulating me - (cotrolling me) to get me to do what he wanted (albeit through our son) seemed fine to him. Sooner or later it all went back to the same ole thing. About October of last year I had a big crying jag.... telling him how unhappy I was... As usual he remained silent and awestruck,.... I told him I wanted out... Again nothing... except... a light must have come on because since then off and on... and I can honestly say this has never been who is is...

He began the ole how was your day? Coming up to me rubbing my back.... asking me to give him a kiss... wanting me to come "sleep" with him.... And all that makes me freakin sick. Here's where I think people will slam me... its just too late. It feels forced... it feels like its not who he is... and he's trying to get a lock on me by giving me what he thinks I want - Do the anger outburst occur over nothing still? yep... does the overdoing it with our son continue? yep - what I feel he doesn't see is that he (and I yes) need to do something about our issues... 

My son said to me last week when I was stressed out - "whats wrong with dad? I said what do you mean? And he said he's being soooo nice to you." WTheck? My reply and thought was What a shame that my son would think that was so weird....?

I know I'm just pleading my case here when I go on and on... yes ok - he's trying to be nicer... great for me... but what happens is if I argue with him over discipline, or him over=reacting with our son - (gatorade box left in garage when he (son) took trash out - son didn't see it and forgot it - then dad grounded him for a week..?) we always get into a huge argument - he says "you just don't want any discipline for our son" when I try and explain that he's just too overbearing sometimes - he walks away - then what I've learned is he has told my son in private "quit crying to your mother on everything - and insinuated that its because of that that we fight... again... ugh.... its just freaking exhausting.

So - I have to promise my son that if he complains about something to me that his dad has done/said... I'm not aloud to call dad on it - cause later dad will take it out on him... ok - you get the picture - didn't need to keep rambling... 

Lastly - I will address myself. Yes - IMO the alcohol is getting out of control. For him already has. For me - I'm admitting that its too much. I know what I need to do about that. STOPSTOPSTOP. That is the biggest problem of all. I can admit to it - and am trying to be self-aware in all this. To him - he just keeps wanting to drift along - never really discussing anything - never wanting to really deal with any issuses - if we do discuss its all you need to, you this, you that, I'm trying you're not, You Will Stay, You will try, and you will go to counseling. He's not listening. I've seen an attorney already... I'm ready to go... Just so afraid to tell him... He will freak! tx for your time. V


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