# Mixed Messages



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

My Story – sorry, long!
I have been married for 15 years. My husband and I are both 50 years old. The first 11 years of M were very happy. We bought a very small home and after 3 miscarriages had a healthy baby girl. Things were great. Our marriage was based on mutual respect, trust and individualism. I would have GNOs and H would go out to watch football or horseracing with buddies. During this time, I worked as a systems application manager and my husband opened a General Contracting business and began making lots of money. We re-modeled our small home and added an addition to make it larger. Once our mutual incomes were increased, in 2005, we sold our home and bought an executive pool home in a lovely sub-division. 2007, we bought an investment home which we rented to my sister who was recently divorced without much income. 
By 2008, the real estate and economy began to tank. Construction jobs dried up and commercial business become extinct due to economy. I always handled the business and household bills and began to worry about our expenses. Our income was cut dramatically. My husband never wanted to partake in the budget or finances and would become irritable if I discussed it. My income was steady and we managed to cover most expenses but started to really increase our debt and dip into savings/investments to meet our bills. H personality began to change and he became angry, distant and insulting. His dad began dying which was very hard on the family. I am very close to my in-laws. H would disappear and never go to the hospital or go on off hours. He began “working” late at night and was always mad when I would question his whereabouts. Still trusting him, I thought he was avoiding the house to hide from the “money nagging”.

In 2009, I received a call from H mistress claiming they had been sleeping together for over a year and that he was not a nice guy (no kidding). H lied to tramp and said I was gone, he was lonely and needed companionship. I assured her I was here and that she had been “duped”. I confronted my H and he admitted everything. He was remorseful and said he felt emasculated by my constant money worries. He pleaded with me to stay and forgive him. We started counseling and began working on our relationship. The first six months were hard and I did not trust him. He was becoming irritated that I just “did not get over it”. We began to live a new normal. Our finances became worse and he began avoiding the house more and more so he would not have to make decisions about his business. The business is very expensive to keep open with liability insurance, commercial vehicles, payroll and materials. He just avoided the subject and told me he felt like a failure when talking about our debt. During this time, our marriage became stagnant and increasingly dead. 

Checking the cell phone bills, I discovered that my husband had a new text buddy. He would text her jokes, etc. This girl was a local bar tramp that we have known for 16 years. I told him to stop and he would tell me that it was just jokes, etc. Then I noticed emails coming in. Then the texting started to increase. I called her and told her to stop. I told him to stop with no avail. Finally, I call blocked both of them. He became so angry and more distant (as if he could get any further). In April, we had tickets to a play and when we returned he hid in the office and called the bar tramp. Turns out he was having another affair and she was actually pissed that he was out with his wife and was worried we would have sex. No chance of that happening since we had barely spoke in a month. I turned around that night and kicked him out. Told him to go to his ***** or anywhere else but he was not staying at the house.
That was 3 months ago. OW is a real gem. 4 DUIs, no license, Got fired from last deli job, works as a bartender in 2 slimy bars, is 46 year old, rents a dump and has been evicted from her last 2 dives. 

I am very upset, hurt, and angry and shocked that he would do this again. At first he was relieved and happy to have his affair open and not have to lie anymore. The longer he has been out of the house, the more he is learning what he has done to his whole life. I have opened up my own checking account. We have the house up for short sale. His family will not even speak to him. His friends are disgusted with his actions and have all said to him that he just threw away his whole life. His own mother uninvited him on the family Alaska cruise that she paid for. 

He claims he still loves me but was very angry with me. He calls my daughter and takes her out but obsessively texts his tramp the whole time. I still love my husband and feel like he is deeply depressed and in a MLC. He has given me all kinds of mixed messages. He stays with her but will not come to get anything from the house. Claims he rents a house but does not want to take his Harley or golf clubs or anything to the new location. Does not have a bed for my daughter so he can’t host overnight visits. More pressure for me to be home anytime he decides to drop her off. He texts me and emails me that he is sorry and that he has painted himself in a corner. Says he loves me and he does not want to divorce. Claims he broke up with his tramp, but 2 days later is back. They are obsessed with texting each other 3000 msg a day. I saw a lawyer and have moved forward with finances, dividing business and household bills, dividing our small assets. I am emotionally not ready to file for divorce. Although everyone tells me to file and move on with your life. I still feel we have something left that we can build on. 15 years of marriage is hard to throw away, but I am so protective of my heart now. I am confused and drained. Should I bolt or try to rebuild one last time…. BTW - He looks like hell!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

It depends how many more chances you want to give him. If it were me I would finally give an ultimatum either stop the emotional affairs or we will be divorced.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Dump him. He is a coward like I've never seen. Can't man up to his business failings, so he leaves it to you to handle. Then he screws around on you and hides it. This guy is a loser. Sorry. Dump him now.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Thanks for your input. I know that is what my head is telling me. I am fairly level headed and know the true answer, I just need someone to tell my heart. This sucks!!!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Yes it does suck. Today is not a good day for me and I was divorced last week. My x had an EA for 5 or so months and lied and lied and lied. And pretended I was imagining things etc...

I could never, ever look at him again in the same light after the betrayal and pain and that he didn't give a crap while he was in a fog. 

Trust, I couldn't see that coming back for X.

Anyway, it is over.

I wish you the best, either choice seems difficult and is. Most importantly, dignity and self respect because that is all you will have for a while to console yourself with. Some days, that's all I have.

But everyone says, "It will get better." I am like, yeah, When? Sorry for the rant. One day doesn't make it all bad, they were right it does get easier so I have more good than bad days. But just be prepared for some hard work and pain.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are having a bad day Sparkles. It is amazing how I can go from tears, to anger, to depression to acceptance all within an hours time period. I have given him a list of demands that he needs to adhere to or I file. He is in a bad place financially and emotionally now. He never thought so many people would turn on him and that I would actually kick him out. I think it thought it would be status quo like last time. Serves him right! I cannot have sympathy for him since he had no guilt at having another affair, blantantly text tramp and now live with her.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

How many chances are enough... MY GOD!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm with BigBri on this one. 

Sounds like the first affair was never totally dealt with, if your H wanted you to "get over it." That's fog talk and not someone who is truly remorseful.

You already gave him a second chance and you seem to be in a position of strength to cut him loose. I would move forward with divorce proceedings. It may be the only thing that will wake him up and take control of his life again. 

If you were single, would you want to date your H? The man he is now? If the answer is no, then it's time to move forward. If someday he get's his life back on track and he's dating material again, you can always change your mind. The question then will be, do you want to.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

I have been a stalker of this site for the longest time and finally posted my sad story. When reading it and reading everyones replies, I realize how F*d up my H is and how sad I am to have lived through this. I have always been a strong independent financially sound woman. If I met myself now, I would not know me. I just called my lawyer and made an appt to file. I never want my daughter to think this behaviour her dad has expressed is either right or tolerable.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Good Luck Frustrated.

The first step is the hardest: facing reality. 

All else will follow, one step at a time, one day at a time. You will begin to feel better about yourself.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It is a sad story and even sadder that he failed you a second time. He most likely needs some therapy to get over his feeling of financial failure. The OW is a temporary escape from his miserableness, she probably makes him feel better in some f-ed up way. He's enjoying the high he gets with her to avoid the low in his real life.

You still sound like a strong independent woman and it's his weakness that is dragging you down. Once you've had some distance from him, I'm sure you'll feel more like the woman you used to be. Good luck and stay strong!


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