# Men, if this was you...



## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Men, I am asking your thoughts on what you would do if you were in these shoes.

My sex life with my man has struggled from the beginning. I want it and he showed little interest. I would flirt with him, I would prance around in lingerie, I'd give him oral yet I would be denied more times than we would be together. I was getting frustrated. I seriously considered leaving. I did not know why he did not desire me in a sexual manner and I felt like if he wouldn't be with me, then I should be single so I could find someone who would want me.

It had been a month since we last had sex. I kept trying, he kept coming up with excuse after excuse. Well, last night I did get him to mess around some. He was pleasuring me with hands and mouth but actual intercourse never happened. I kept telling him I wanted him and he would avoid it.

After about 20 minutes he told me he wasn't hard. Well, okay, what do you need to help you along? I offered him a blow job, I offered to play with it, whatever he needed to get hard. He stopped and he got very quiet. Then he told me he wasn't like other guys. He has problems with getting and maintaining an erection.

I hold nothing against him for that. I know it happens to many men. But, why would he keep that from me? Why would he allow me to sit and think something was unappealing about me? Is it an ego thing? 

Men, what would you do? Would you tell your wife or would you avoid sex to avoid having to talk about the problem? Would you be afraid of her leaving you for someone who could function?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

One measure of a man is his sexual potency and for some of us inability in that area can be quite devastating in many ways. Your man needs medical exam and advice. And your support.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

He didn't say anything because he's embarrassed. He knows if he tries to have sex with you, he won't be able to get/maintain an erection. He feels bad for himself AND he probably feels bad for you because you think you're not sexy enough for him.

He needs a physical and mental check-up to find the cause.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

As men, how do you feel would be the best way to show him support? Should I no longer try to initiate sex now that I know he may not be able to perform? 

I'm really not sure what to do. I don't want to stop flirting with my man because I dont want him to think I've lost attraction for him, yet at the same time I don't want him to feel bad if he cant be with me.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> He didn't say anything because he's embarrassed. He knows if he tries to have sex with you, he won't be able to get/maintain an erection. He feels bad for himself AND he probably feels bad for you because you think you're not sexy enough for him.
> 
> He needs a physical and mental check-up to find the cause.


The cause is low levels of testosterone.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

January said:


> The cause is low levels of testosterone.


Why no treatment?


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

January said:


> As men, how do you feel would be the best way to show him support?


Ask him, listen carefully to his response, and put it in action. Check back with him in about a month or so to see if its what he still wants.

Also, as other posters have mentioned, he has a responsibility to find out whats going on with his own health and the health (sexual or otherwise) of the relationship.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

If it is low test, get that treated. Tell him to man up and start taking the injections weekly. It will be a significant change for him to get those levels up. No, there will not be steroid rage or any of that over-blown media junk. Just a guy with a healthy testosterone level.

The gels may work for him. I find the injections better and easier.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

January said:


> The cause is low levels of testosterone.


In a high percentage of cases, that can be fixed by 9 hours of nightly sleep, proper diet, and three heavy workouts, emphasizing the compound movements, weekly.

Is he obese?


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## ColemanBooks (Mar 20, 2013)

Make sure he knows you are totally Ok with everything and it i no big deal to you. He's going to feel inadequate and you can really help by lifting that off of him. Tell him you are up for fooling around in other ways while he gets his current situation rectified. It will bring you closer. You are a great partner for being as supportive as you are. Nice job!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

If the gels and shots don't work, they also have pellets that go under the skin and give testosterone for up to 4 months. There are many options if he does have low testosterone. Just have him do the blood work. Nothing to be ashamed of...happens to lots of men in middle age.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

*Do not jump down my throat! 

Is he able to get/maintain an erection with porn and masturbation?*


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *Do not jump down my throat!
> 
> Is he able to get/maintain an erection with porn and masturbation?*


It's quite possible to masturbate without a complete erection. In a lot of cases that is why a guy will turn to porn and masturbate and not have sex with his wife... he can't get it up for insertion, is embarrassed and takes care of his needs by masturbating.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I'll give you a little peek into the mind of a man who suffers from ED and performance anxiety...

He kept it from you because it is something he doesn't want to face. He wants to avoid the issue. He likely fears that as he has ED, he cannot please you. If he can't please you, he fears you will get frustrated and find someone who will. And that's a lot of fear to carry around.

This is one time YOU MUST NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU! Read that again. It is NOT about you. And if you make any part of it about you, you will likely increase pressure on him and set him back further.

Sure, it sucks that maybe you feel it is you. Not attractive enough...not good enough...not appealing enough...whatever. Maybe your ego has been bruised, or you've felt hurt. Forget it. Don't be selfish...just drop it! He's not doing this in any way because he's insensitive or wants to injur your feelings. This is a very hard thing for a man to face, wrought with very real and intense fears.

I've been through this. I avoided sex because I did not want to fail. Failure meant it would gnaw on my mind even more, making the situation worse. It can be all consuming. I got so bad at one point, it was all I thought about. I was completely consumed with it just certain I'd never have sex again, and that no woman would ever be interested in me beyond the first "failure" or two and would drop me. I could not even get hard alone for masturbation it got so bad. Performance anxiety is a royal b!tch to deal with, and even harder to overcome if it's not handled correctly. If you show you're disappointed or frustrated, it will, in his mind, justify his fears. And the situation will get worse...I promise you that. Your immediate goal should be to make sure you do your part to not make it worse. Then work on improving the situation from there.

He needs to get a check up. If his T levels are fine, he should think about ED meds, at least for the time being, until he can gain his confidence back. And he should get on an exercise routine and lose some weight. 

He also needs to know how to please you without intercourse. And you need to let him do that, without pressure of intercourse. He WANTS you to be satisfied. The more you are okay with working through this, and being sexually satisfied by other things he can do for you, the better off you'll both be until this is "fixed". If he feels he is an amazing lover that pleases you without intercourse, it relieves a lot of pressure. This is the reason / how I "stumbled upon" (researched and learned) about the g-spot, giving great oral to a woman, mutual masturbation, female ejaculation, multiple orgasms, etc. I was able to learn and do all of those with my W, and as a result we now have an INCREDIBLY diverse and satisfying sex life. Even when my ED and anxiety faded to a distant memory, we still, to this day, continue with these other things. It's a lot of spice, a lot of fun, and a ton of satisfying, never boring sex.

And you should be able to please him without intercourse. Handjobs and blowjobs, again, with no pressure of intercourse. Small steps. He wants intercourse every bit as you do. When he thinks he's ready, he'll try it. First he may need to get through a series of handjobs or blowjobs to completion while maintaining an erection in order to move on to and attempt the next step.

A tip for you...when he does try it, make sure you're lubed up good, and get him inside of you FAST. As someone who suffered from it, I can tell you that the time it takes to start to try to get inside when an erection is present, until the time you actually do if you're having difficulty getting in, can seem like an eternity, and kill an erection in but a few moments. Once he is in (it may certainly not work at first or every time), it usually feels good enough that as long as he can stay in, even if he goes soft, he'll be okay if he can complete. The erection may fade and increase as anxiety wanes and increases, but if he can stay in and complete the act, it will be a huge confidence booster.

Another tip....give him plenty of foreplay. Get him good and worked up and near orgasm before he attempts to enter you. The closer a guy is to orgasm, the longer it takes for an erection to fade. The goal, to start, is not to have a satisfying lovemaking session for YOU or even him, but rather to get him to get in and complete the act.

Also, be aware that sometimes when a guy has this issue, that something as simple as saying "I want you inside of me" or "I want you to phuck me" can instantly add a huge amount of pressure to him if he wasn't feeling it already (been there, done that). Let him move at his pace. When he thinks he's ready for intercourse, he will try it. 

Patience and understanding from you, and getting in shape and possibly some ED meds for him, and he can gain his confidence back fairly quickly (over the course of days or weeks even). All he needs is a few times of intercourse to completion, and his confidence will skyrocket, and the performance anxiety aspect of it can fade pretty quickly. Not fully right away, but enough to "get the job done". The more times he "gets the job done", the more the fears and anxiety fade. Eventually, as I am now, the fears become nothing more than a faint, distant memory to almost never recur during sex.

We aren't little boys with fragile egos when it is regarding this issue. This is about fear. Fear that we will be unable to please our woman, and as a result our woman will find someone (or at least fantasize about someone) who can. And THAT can and does happen.

P.S. I can count on one hand the times I've lost an erection in years now. I got past it, and shrug it off if and when it does still happen. The above post is how I (we) went about it. We now have fully satisfying (and fully erect) intercourse 2 to 3 times a week. That is on top of another 2 or 3 times a week of fully erect bj, oral, mutual masturbation, solo masturbation, etc. At least every other day we or I am /are having some form of sex, and having zero issues with erections. That's a lot of sex to have without having issues, considering previously I could go weeks without anything and still not maintain an erection. 

Sometimes I'm thankful I went through it. It forced me to become (what I hoped would be) an amazing lover in all areas (not just intercourse). I know my W agrees. The "skills" learned while trying to please a woman before I overcame the ED issues have certainly not left me.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> In a high percentage of cases, that can be fixed by 9 hours of nightly sleep, proper diet, and three heavy workouts, emphasizing the compound movements, weekly.
> 
> Is he obese?


No, he is not obese. He could probably benefit from losing around 20 lbs, but he is not "large".


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *Do not jump down my throat!
> 
> Is he able to get/maintain an erection with porn and masturbation?*


Why would I jump down your throat? 

I have never known him to watch porn. (I can't say he doesn't when I am not around. I've just not seen him nor caught him.)

What he has told me is that he has trouble getting and maintaining an erection. Then when he does get one, it usually happens when I'm not home. He takes care of those through masturbation.

Even if he does get a hard on while we are messing around, it doesn't live for very long and he will go soft very quickly. I've also noticed that he rarely wakes up with morning wood. I think once in the past 5 months I've seen a morning wood.

I can make him hard by giving him a hand job or a blow job but if I stop playing with it, it will go soft within a few minutes. It will not keep.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

donny64 said:


> I'll give you a little peek into the mind of a man who suffers from ED and performance anxiety...
> 
> He kept it from you because it is something he doesn't want to face. He wants to avoid the issue. He likely fears that as he has ED, he cannot please you. If he can't please you, he fears you will get frustrated and find someone who will. And that's a lot of fear to carry around.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this great response. I have read it a few times over. I love him so much and I do not want him to ever think I would seek sex elsewhere. I am very proud to say I have never cheated in a relationship. I do love sex, but I will stand by my man. He does pleasure me in other ways. He has very wonderful hands  

For the past 5 months, he had not initiated sex with me. I never understood why. Until now. I would always be the initiator. It bothered me so much that he didn't desire me the same way I desired him. Now I know that he wouldn't initiate because he was afraid of performance failure.

I don't think he will see a doctor though. He seems pretty resigned to "this is life". How do I encourage him to go in a way that does not come across as b!tchy, naggy or mom-like?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

January said:


> No, he is not obese. He could probably benefit from losing around 20 lbs, but he is not "large".


Good, that's one less thing to worry about. Have him start taking DHEA, a shot glass of cod liver oil, 4 whole eggs, a handful of brazil nuts, a glass of red wine, and good butter and other sat fats daily. Add in the sleep and the barbell or machine workouts and the T should go up.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> I don't think he will see a doctor though. He seems pretty resigned to "this is life". How do I encourage him to go in a way that does not come across as b!tchy, naggy or mom-like?


This does not have to be his life, or yours. There is no reason for either of you to resign yourself to an unwelcome fate that can be reversed.

You can try talking to him about it. Get in a place where you're having good conversation. Relationship type stuff. How happy you guys are, and how things are going. Maybe with a drink or glass of wine. Say something like "hey babe...you said something the other night about not being like other men...not being able to get or maintain an erection. What does that mean? I love you, you're the love of my life, and I promise you I'm in this for the long haul. But what did you mean by that?" That should open the door in a non-judgemental way.

If he says he doesn't want to talk about it, you may need to gently put your foot down. "I realize you may not want to talk about it, but I do. It seems you're struggling with something, and you're doing it alone. And I don't think I'm okay with that, especially when I think I'm very understanding and can even help. But I do want to understand and try to help if I can."

Tell him you know it's hard to talk about, but the best way for both of you to make it better is to get it all out in the open and talk about working toward a solution. And that is no lie there...once it is out in the open, it makes dealing with it much, much easier. It's "out there", he sees you're not disappointed or leaving, you're encouraging him, and some of the pressure starts to lift.

You can even ask him if it is you (but just once. You need to give him the opportunity to be truthful to you in case it IS you, or some relationship issue, that has him out of sorts). But, my guess is he'll look at you like you're a crazy woman, and tell you hell no, it is not about you. That's a good sign. You can then say "okay, I will trust you if you say it's not about me. So...what can I do to help?" Then don't bring up the "is it about me" again.

If he wants this to get better, he is going to HAVE TO come out of his shell about it. With you, and with the doctors. Sure, he could get an online prescription for viagra, but without a checkup, that is asking for trouble. He needs to see a doc to find out if he has low T, and in the absence of that, to make sure he is healthy enough to try out the meds. Once he has the meds in hand, then remember the other things I said in my previous post. He, and you need to understand the meds are not a magic pill. He's likely suffering some real anxiety about it, and no amount of viagra in the world is likely to overcome that. It will help the physical issue, but not the mental issue. It's a double edged sword. If he, or you, believe viagra is some magic answer to the problem that will immediately take the problem away, he's in for more of a setback when that doesn't happen. Viagra will usuall solve the physical issue, and can HELP with the mental aspect of it by giving him an erection that will last a little while longer after the performance anxiety sets in. Those few moments CAN be enough to get him in, feeling good, and completing intercourse. But, as I said, if he is feeling real anxiety about it, it's still an uphill battle.

Or, he takes a pill, and everything goes swimmingly. It can happen, but is not the norm as he has likely developed a lot of anxiety about it. So, you need to work it from BOTH angles...the physical (viagra) and the mental (decreasing anxiety and increasing chances for success).

You could even point him to my post if you feel it would be productive. I've known of one other here who did that with their hubby a while back. It helps to see others who have been through it, and that with a little help from the doc, the spouse, and some time and patience, this can all pass.

My W has a friend that did not have sex with her H for over a year. Because he had issues. He just refused to initiate or have sex because of the ED. She was frustrated beyond belief, and was ready to divorce him. My W asked if it would be okay if she told her friend about my issues. I said no problem, and said I'd even talk to her and / or him about it if they wished. She told her about my issues, and how I overcame it. I ultimately wound up talking to both her and her husband about it seperately (a guy I actually knew years before my W or her friend), and last I heard a month or so ago, things are great.

If that doesn't work, let me know. It may be time to get hard on him to force him to come out of his shell about it. That's not the same as pressure to perform. It is pressure for him to stop denying the issue, and avoiding it. That is something I don't feel you should tolerate for too long (now that you have an understanding and a plan). BUT, first, have patience. Try to talk to him about it. Give him time to process that you're willing to talk about it, and understand you're not judging him, or god forbid, thinking about leaving him over it. My guess is his statement the other night about "I'm not like other guys, I can't get an erection" is the beginning of him opening up to you about it, and he was likely very carefully watching for your reaction. The thing is, and you both need to understand it, HE IS LIKE OTHER GUYS...MILLIONS OF US. If he wasn't like so many other guys, viagra would not have had two billion dollars in sales of the drug last year.

The difference between guys with ED who have a great sex life and those who don't is largely one thing...the willingness to be open about it and seek help.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Some more thoughts...

If you can get him to a point where he is talking about it, and willing to work on it, I can give you some great tips on how to help him "complete the act".

Some examples, and sorry if this is a little to graphic...

Get him comfortable with the idea of handjobs and blowjobs with no pressure for intercourse. The more of these he has where he can just relax and enjoy the sex without pressure or worry, the better. Believe it or not, it will slowly build confidence. And will again build a closeness to you where sex is fun and worry free. You'll start bonding sexually again. He'll want more...as long as he's successful.

Then, the more you're able to do this, work this into getting his erection closer to your vagina. An excellent technique, once he's comfortable and has gained confidence in his erection through oral or handjobs, would be to straddle him, and give him the usual handjob. Let him have the THOUGHT and visual of intercourse (you on top) without the pressure of "performing". The more times you do this, the closer you're moving your vagina to him. I can tell you, as a man, it is an incredible turn on to receive a handjob while your woman is on top and grinding on you. Do that, and let him get used to it. When it gets to a point that he's remaining hard, AND you're rubbing on him and also having a real good time, you are going to be very close to nipping this whole thing in the bud. Keep (over a number of episodes, not just during one episode) moving closer until you're grinding on each other (outercourse) and he's close to orgasm. Then put him in you (again, quickly. It may hurt a little or be a little uncomfortable, but you want him in you fast. Remember to be lubed up). Let him finish. Even if he's only in "there" for a half minute or less, if he finishes, it will hugely increase his confidence. 

Then, don't overplay it like it was some earth shattering event. You don't want him to think you're bs'ing him. Just tell him it felt wonderful for him to be inside of you, and you loved that he felt good. Then cuddle with him and throw out some happy, satisfied type sighs! Let him know you're satisifed and happy, but don't overplay it. He knows, and you know, it was not the best "phucking" you ever had. BUT, it could potentially be the most important and satisfying!

Also, when he rocks your world with his hands or mouth, LET HIM KNOW that it was amazing, and that you're satisfied. Drift off to sleep with a smile on your face. He'll notice. Again, don't overplay it, but show him you are a satisfied woman. Pressure will start to lift. Virtually guranteed.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Sounds like he is in good health, you mentioned low testosterone, if thats the case there are plenty of treatments for it and its not a big deal. Also, dont forget about the little blue pill, a quick trip to the Dr and you will be good to go anytime. 

Also is he taking any medicines now, some has side effects of ED. Also i have heard stores of men having a bad night in the bed, maybe a little to drunk or tired and fail to get it up but after that one time the struggle for a long time with it after, physically nothing has changed but mentally they are so worried about it and the embarrassment associated with it. This is probably part of the problem and the best thing you can do is work with him, not make a big deal out of it but gently push for him to work on the issue. Ive heard of Drs prescribing viagra to patients whith no physical issues just as more of placebo, it gives them the mental confidence and once they are able to perform again they can stop using it.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

Far as health issues go, he works around 60 to 65 hours a week at a factory job. He is always very tired. He is 43 years old. He comes home from work and he is exhausted. You can tell just by looking at him how physically drained he is. Also, he had a stress heart attack around a year and a half ago. He has a stint. He currently takes no medication for his heart. 

Another thing I hadn't mentioned is that a few years ago, he had an accident and he lost one of his testicles in the accident. Ever since the lost of the one testicle, his sexual performance has gone downhill. (The accident happened before we got together and he did not tell me about it until after we became a couple.)

I do not know why he didn't tell me from the get-go. But, this is why he has low-T.


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