# Would you live here for free?



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

One of the reasons I'm still living at home is I can't support two households on one income. I have some friends who made me an offer about a year ago. And it still stands. They have a trailer on 40 acres where they keep their horses and offered to let me stay there pretty much for free for however long I want too. They put the trailer there when they bought the place 10 years ago thinking they'd hire someone to manage it but never did. One of her relatives stayed in it for a summer not long ago.

Here's my concerns. It's down a bumpy, dirt road. Real bumpy. Which means 4 or 5 trips a day on it for me. And a mess when it rains. I drive a truck but it's 2wd.

It's dark out there at night. Real dark. And I think it would take a miracle for my 10 year old to stay with me under those conditions. Secluded, dark, etc. If you've read some of my other posts she currently has an issue with safety concerns (that I'm hoping is just a phase).

It's behind a coded gate. Not a huge deal but that means I'd have to meet my wife or anyone else that visited me at the gate. It's not within walking distance of the trailer so I'd have to drive each time.

The trailer hasn't been kept up too well. Again, not a huge deal. I'm kind of a neat-freak and like to fix things so I could work on it.

Lastly, it's a trailer. I have nothing against them other than a safety concern. Bad weather, fire, etc. I used to be a firefighter and I know first hand how quickly trailers burn.

This would be a temporary arrangement for me. Probably six months to a year? The plus side obviously is all I'd have to pay is utilities. Which would be a huge help during the divorce and saving up after. The darkness and seclusion is a plus for me personally. I love astronomy and have a telescope. I can even shoot my guns out there if I want. My friend invited me to bring my girls out there back in May to see the new yearling that was born and I did. You would've thought it was Christmas with my 10 y/o, seeing all the horses and stuff. And my friend saddled one up and let them climb up and she walked them around. My daughter actually said to me "Dad, this is the best day ever!" And it's close to my current home. Maybe 2 miles.

I'm starting to feel like a fool that I haven't taken advantage of it already. Yes, it's not optimal and I love my house and my garage and my "stuff", but free is free. And would be hugely helpful.

I don't know why I'm having a hard time with it. I suppose it's that I got my degree (75% self-paid), have a 20+ year career, make a good salary, worked hard to get where I am. Now I'm going to be reduced to a trailer in the woods while she stays at the house with everything. Kind of humbling. I'm not materialistic at all. But damnit....kwim?

Thoughts? Not sure I really have a question. Just rambling.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Give her the trailer, keep the kids at the house with you? JK...I don't know...why can't she work to help support herself or does she?

Grrr....I hate hearing that you're stuck like this, when women like that end up getting it all. My H is stuck paying off his ex, too. Pisses me right off.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you guys thought about "nesting"? It might be a workable short term option. Alternatively, what about taking your kids out there for a weekend, and see how it goes overnight. Or for a week.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Give her the trailer, keep the kids at the house with you? JK...I don't know...why can't she work to help support herself or does she?
> 
> Grrr....I hate hearing that you're stuck like this, when women like that end up getting it all. My H is stuck paying off his ex, too. Pisses me right off.


I wish I could do that!!! And there is NO reason she can't work. She just won't. She's lazy.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> Have you guys thought about "nesting"? It might be a workable short term option. Alternatively, what about taking your kids out there for a weekend, and see how it goes overnight. Or for a week.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to plead ignoance here...what is "nesting"?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> I have to plead ignoance here...what is "nesting"?


Kids stay put, you and your wife move in and out depending on who has custody. If you get along, you can share an apartment (or trailer). If you don't get along, you each get a cheap place of your own. Personally, I think it sounds like a mess, especially long term. 

What about just filing for divorce and letting your wife deal with her accommodations on her own? Can either of you afford the place on your own? Do you have a good grasp on what your financial situation will be post-divorce? In other words, start thinking about what YOU want and need.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I just had this big picture of Beachguys wife living in a trailer...

It's never ever going to happen. LOL


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I just had this big picture of Beachguys wife living in a trailer...
> 
> It's never ever going to happen. LOL


:rofl::rofl::rofl: Yeah! The princess living in a trailer in the woods!!!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> What about just filing for divorce and letting your wife deal with her accommodations on her own? Can either of you afford the place on your own? Do you have a good grasp on what your financial situation will be post-divorce? In other words, start thinking about what YOU want and need.


I agree. That sounds like a mess. She's not going to agree to go anywhere. She'll likely get the house. Or at least half of it. But all that doesn't happen for a good while. I'm talking about today. I can't stand being under the same roof as her and it's really stressing me out.


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I agree. That sounds like a mess. She's not going to agree to go anywhere. She'll likely get the house. Or at least half of it. But all that doesn't happen for a good while. I'm talking about today. I can't stand being under the same roof as her and it's really stressing me out.


Im under the same roof with my WW too, and yea i hate it and it stresses me out. But im more here for my son cause he's only 4 yrs old and she don't treat him right. If i didn't have my son then i would of been gone long ago. 

I don't think you wanna go to the trailer so just avoid your wife when at home, don't look her way or talk to her. Go outside to your garage and work on something or just get outta the house for most of the day. No reason for you to move out when it should be her moving out.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Beachguy -- I know you've written a lot about your situation, but I can't remember if you and your wife have formalized your in-house separation. I think I remember that you are in different bedrooms, and that you handle the bills fairly amicably (other than that wife not working problem). But have you laid out what a separation/ divorce would look like, as in have you talked about child custody (7 days with you, 7 days with her; or a 2-2-3 pattern)? 

I'm asking because you could:
try to get your wife to agree to what a divorce/ legal separation would look like. You can tell her that you are not filing yet, but that you want to see what it would be like. 

Then, on days when you are not the parent on duty, head out of the house to the trailer. When you are the dad on duty, don't include mom in meals, getting your daughters ready for school/ bed etc. 

Then the trailer becomes your own space away from the "nest house." 

I'd be wary about just taking off to spend weekends, nights in the trailer without any kind of agreement because it could be played against you your divorce.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If things are really that bad between you and your wife, then the trailer should be paradise. What are you waiting for?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Couleur said:


> Beachguy -- I know you've written a lot about your situation, but I can't remember if you and your wife have formalized your in-house separation. I think I remember that you are in different bedrooms, and that you handle the bills fairly amicably (other than that wife not working problem). But have you laid out what a separation/ divorce would look like, as in have you talked about child custody (7 days with you, 7 days with her; or a 2-2-3 pattern)?
> 
> I'm asking because you could:
> try to get your wife to agree to what a divorce/ legal separation would look like. You can tell her that you are not filing yet, but that you want to see what it would be like.
> ...


Unfortunately that's just not feasible. I work M-F from 7:30 till after they're out of school, and my job is 35 miles from where we live. I wouldn't be able to take them to school or pick them up on any regular basis.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

827Aug said:


> If things are really that bad between you and your wife, then the trailer should be paradise. What are you waiting for?


"Paradise"....without my children. I sat on my couch this evening watching my two girls play out in the backyard, thinking if I move out, I'd be sitting alone somewhere, missing out on that kind of stuff every day. I wouldn't call that paradise.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Can you move the trailer on the property so that it's closer to the gate and not so far out there? Or maybe get a couple dogs and keep the trailer where it is, and add a streetlight type lamp-post or something like that for when your daughter visits, making sure you have a generator. Why do you go in and out so many times in a day?

Low maintenance place sounds like heaven compared to a house that has taxes, upkeep, housekeeping, yard work, etc....


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

BeachGuy said:


> "Paradise"....without my children. I sat on my couch this evening watching my two girls play out in the backyard, thinking if I move out, I'd be sitting alone somewhere, missing out on that kind of stuff every day. I wouldn't call that paradise.


Then, you aren't there yet. Everyone looses in divorce. Free house trailer or not, there's still a price to pay.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

He's not even close to there yet. I bet she still has access to his money every week. I bet he still puts gas in her car and pays her cell bill. She's got it made!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Then, you aren't there yet. Everyone looses in divorce. Free house trailer or not, there's still a price to pay.


How does on ever get "there"? I've been on the proverbial fence for years. Like I've said before, it's like trying to decide which arm to cut off. You're right though. There are no winners in divorce. But some come out way better than others.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Unfortunately that's just not feasible. I work M-F from 7:30 till after they're out of school, and my job is 35 miles from where we live. I wouldn't be able to take them to school or pick them up on any regular basis.


Well then, trailer or not, I think you need to wrestle with what your post-divorce life would look like and then try it out.

You are frustrated that your wife doesn't work, but presumably one of the ways that she justifies this in her mind is that currently she is the one that gets the girls out of the house in the morning (since you would have to leave before 7 to get to your work at 730) and she is also the one who is there when they come home from school.

If your wife filed for divorce tomorrow and you were with a mediator trying to work out the childcare plan what would you do? If you truly want to have a 50-50 split of parenting time, you are going to need to figure out what you'll do to cover these needs. Is there a before school program that you could send your children to? (My guess is that there is something for the 10 year old, but maybe not for the 13 year old.) do your daughters play sports, music, clubs that mean that there are 2 or 3 days when they are booked until after 5? If you can't figure out how to do the childcare, then you need to embrace the reality that even post-divorce your wife will be the primary care provider for your kids and that you are likely to see them on weekends and Wednesday nights. 

Once you've figured out what it would really look like, then start living it. Tell your wife you want to try having sole care of your daughters every other weekend and every Wednesday night. Also tell her that you are going to pull away and let your wife get used to what her reality would be -- and then stay away 2 or 3 nights a week; book things for you to do every other weekend. 

One of two things will happen -- either you'll decide you can't live away from your girls or you'll learn to cherish the dedicated "dad times" and the dedicated "beachguy" times. If you can't, you need to make your peace with the fact that your wife WILL not work and stop fantasizing about a divorce. If you can, then you'll be providing a road map for yourself, your wife and your daughters to follow.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> And there is NO reason she can't work. She just won't. She's lazy.


There are ways to motivate your wife to get off her ass if she wants money. There is no law that says you have to pay for everything. Give her enough for bills but no clothes, jewelery, shoes, blah, blah, blah. Do your own grocery shopping and buy the stuff you like. Buy the harsh toilet paper, beer, and chips you want. I'm guessing that you all have a joint account? Have you considered getting an account in just your name and only giving her a gift card to go shopping?

I have read a lot of your posts and you need to figure a way to prompt your wife to do more than sit around the house. Does she have a degree? Did she ever have a job? I am shure you don't want to be an ATM for the rest of your life.

The longer you let this go, it will only gets worse when you do decide to end your marriage.



Couleur said:


> If you can't figure out how to do the childcare, then you need to embrace the reality that even post-divorce your wife will be the primary care provider for your kids and that you are likely to see them on weekends and Wednesday nights.


Couleur make some good points except this statement. If (when) you decide to divorce, do not settle for less than 50/50. There is no reason you cannot be with your children as much as your wife. Modify your hours, find friends with kids to pick up your kids, look into after school programs. Do what it takes, your children will need you in thier lives.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

C3156 said:


> There are ways to motivate your wife to get off her ass if she wants money. There is no law that says you have to pay for everything. Give her enough for bills but no clothes, jewelery, shoes, blah, blah, blah. Do your own grocery shopping and buy the stuff you like. Buy the harsh toilet paper, beer, and chips you want. I'm guessing that you all have a joint account? Have you considered getting an account in just your name and only giving her a gift card to go shopping?
> 
> I have read a lot of your posts and you need to figure a way to prompt your wife to do more than sit around the house. Does she have a degree? Did she ever have a job? I am shure you don't want to be an ATM for the rest of your life.
> 
> ...


She really doesn't spend a lot of money. Rarely buys clothes or jewelry. The only thing she spends on that bugs me is $80 to get her grey covered up once every couple months. For some reason that just bugs me when she refuses to get a job. She's a very boring person. No hobbies, no interests, few friends. She seems content to just live her quiet little life that way.

I agree with you on the kids. I'm not too worried about spending time with them post-divorce. My wife is extremely passive and wants me to remain a big part of the kids lives. The two times we were separated I saw them almost daily and they'd spend the night with me at least one night a weekend. It's a small town so we won't be more than a couple miles apart.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

As long as I wasn't using the person providing the place to stay, then yes. I'm not too picky of where I live as long as there's running water, shower, working toilet and stove.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Hands down, if it were me, I'd take them up on it. My ex and I lived in this exact same situation for many years and it was awesome! 

Are the dirt roads maintained at all? How far from work would you be living? Would you be using propane or a generator for power and heat?

I think this could be a good thing for you... You can always try it out for a few weeks and if you don't like it you could move back. You have very generous friends to make such an offer! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Hands down, if it were me, I'd take them up on it. My ex and I lived in this exact same situation for many years and it was awesome!


What do you mean? Y'all lived separately for many years but never divorced?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Oh no, I just meant that we lived rurally and I loved it! We had to do the whole generator and propane thing, but small price to pay for the space and quiet. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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