# He admitted he wants to come home...now what???



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

for all of you that have been here with me, my husband admitted he wants to come home...to be at home with me and the girls...

I am in shock...he still wants a little more time, BUT he has NEVER come right out and said this b4...im also scared because although im elated to know this, i DO NOT want to go too fast...i dont want him to EVER leave again...

how to i go about this? i need to make sure that wheter it happens tomorrow or months from now...that he truly wants to be here for good....

any opinions? im forever grateful!


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## harley2003 (Feb 8, 2010)

Lost,

I have not responded to your posts up to this point, but I have read your entire thread more than once. First of all, let me say, you have done a wonderful job with a terrible situation.

So here is my two cents. Something, (depression, MLC) made him leave in the first place. Has those issues been discussed or addressed? If you let him back in, what is the impact on you and the kids if he decides he can't take it and leaves again? 

I remember in one of your posts, you said that for once he really opened up to you and cried and you had a good talk. Now is probably a good time for another one of those. He needs to let you know what is happening in his life, what it is that he sees in you or doesn't see, etc. And that communication needs to be the norm from this point forward. Why is it that spouses are so afraid to say how the feel?

You have really done good up to this point. I can't say what I would do since I am not at that point yet. But from what I have read, you are a very intelligent caring person. I am sure you will do the right thing.

Good luck and thanks for being an inspiration.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Lost: That is great IF it's for the right reasons!

He must come back to restore the marriage. To accept help and work, as a couple, towards a better healthier state.

I say this as to avoid him coming and going AGAIN..with bigger heartbreak to you and the girls.

If it's not done for the right reasons (loneliness/financial/etc) then there is a high probably that it won't work. 

I know you aren't pushing him and that's the way to be for now. 

Tell him your expectations and let him figure out if he can step up.

This is really good news..Lost.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

lost-Just wanted to wish you luck. I know this can be a tough situation to be going thru because you want to make the best decision possible. 

Like Corpus said, it has to be for the right reasons.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Harley,
thank you for such kind words!i may be as much of a wreck now as i was when this all started! lol.
my h was literally dx with both mlc( more specifically VERY low testosterone) and depression. dur to the low t he can not take anti depressants until his counts are more the norm...he uses a hormone replacement which has side affects of its own...an a/d at this time would hinder his recovery
its flattering to know that i could inspire anyone! especially at a very low point in life...i wouldnt wish an enemy to have to go through this stuff! keep your chin up and fight fairly and from your heart for what you believe and have faith in!

Corpus,Whattodo17,Harley
Im spinning! I dont really know if this is for all of the right reasons!
As much as i want it to be, i made an even harder decision today

we talked and talked a bit more and decided that although he plans on being here even more than he has been, we are going to move very slowly...I DO NOT want him to ever leave again, and I explained this as gently as i possibly could. he understood. although we have BOTH been hurting ,he chose to leave. yes, i want him to come home, BUT it MUST be for all the right reasons and excuse the expression please but i do not want to be a b*ich and be resentful because he did it.
My family IS my world and I will never stand to having it toyed with EVER again! 
I am gonna continue with my ic for this very reason and a few more.we are still all going for family counceling also. when the time is more appropriate we will go to mc. right now we both need to learn and accept the mistakes that have been made as to not make them again. to also accept one another again for who we are now...make sure our expectations of each other are able to be met. our children deserve that and so do we!A new and improved marriage...a closer more endearing family...all of the kind words, wisdom and just plain great advice has helped to keep me going all this time.I will still need help im sure and i can now speak with a bit of my own experience if i am ever able to help someone else...

Any input and i am and will continue to be forever grateful! still have a long road ahead of us!

I have made GREAT friends here and although i may not be here as much, i will never leave completely! Love to each and everyone of you!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Don't go LOST!

I feel that it was a farewell post. I know you will be busy but please share the details...every once in awhile.

It will be a long road. Whatever, comes of it, you can handle what is being laid in front of you. You have developed strength over the course of these months. 

You H will need time to gain his strength and find himself. I sure hope he's looking....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Yes, yes, I'm a cynic ...

This is going to sound horrible, and I don't mean it as a personal attack against your husband, but more his 'state'. He can't be trusted.

He has little to no control over the arc of his emotions. It isn't ok to let an unhealthy person back in and throw a grenade in the room that you have spent the last several months trying to reorder and make some sense out of.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I agree - tread lightly. I know if my W wanted to come back home right now after all that she has done to hurt this family I would not even consider it until she answered the following questions and got on the fast track to getting some professional help. This is my own situation of course:

1) what drove you to leave and file for divorce in the first place?
2) what drove you to commit adultery?
3) what has changed since those decisions were made?
4) are you willing to commit to repairing our relationship and rebuilding the trust? If so, how?

I have had a front row seat (heck I have backstage passes) to the illogical nature of my cheating spouse; the backstabbing, the lies, the illegal activity (fraud, stealing community property), etc. In my opinion "fixing the marriage" is now a distant 3rd place to "keeping the children safe" and not having "history repeat itself". We deserve better than that.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Guys...Im not going ANYWHERE! h is not moving home until we are both ready...that is what i was trying to stress in my post!

yes, we are gonna work at this BUT there is alot of work to be done...slowly.

I was actually thinking of using the board as more of a day to day journal as we attempt to go down this long road...for input as we go and as a great way for me to be able to continue to get it out!

SEE...this is why I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

C,
I am truly sorry that i made it sound that way!

Deejo,
I know...i completely agree! that is why he is going to spend more time here but he is not moving back in yet!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I trust your decisions will be made in the best interest of your family.
You are a smart girl with a good head to think things through.

Just know that we are going to remind you of that and in case you get off track....remind you how to get back on..


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Lost, I'm happy for you. You've been throught a lot to get to this point. As others have said tread slowly -- but you know that. Like CW said -- you will do what is right for you and your family, of that I have no doubt.

Heed caution as Deejo suggests, but too much caution by you could be detrimental. Your H has work to do. But he has taken the first step it appears -- telling you he wants to come home. Now he needs to take the next step -- committing to the changes he needs to make. You know this -- but look to his actions.

Please keep us posted. You know everyone that comes to these boards is looking for inspiration and a reconcilliation. 

Again, I'm happy for you.

Peace.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

lost I think that you are going about this in the best way that you can. It sounds positive - but self-preservation is number one on the list....from the sounds of this you are alert to the pitfalls...
stay open, keep talking ..look to the light....
take care


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ok...so here is my first note about what is taking place...

yesterday we got to see our oldest d in her 1st play at school! we went together with grandparents and little sister in tow! it was AWESOME!!! she played a dog, the part she wanted! A Trip To Mars wa the name...all about the planets...she did a great job as did all of the other kiddos! soooo proud!
it will be somewhat quiet for the rest of the weekend...h has a show for the chartering business...however he did call at the end of it last night to see if he could stay at the house...on the couch cause it is almost an hour closer from here. I said ok. a friend of mine came to visit me and catch up last night and she was here when he got home...we all then chatted a bit more...
h and i sat up watching a recorded Private Practice and then A special on HBO of Robin Williams...it felt so damn good to laugh together...to truly crack up and just laugh...
i went into bed after that with a sweet goodnight peck, h stayed on the couch. he woke me uo about six to say goodbye, he would see me tonight. i wished him lick on booking some charters and he said hed call later...
the girls have a friend over, im cleaning and doing the laundry! lol
im gonna put on a pot of ham and bean soup and make some homemade biscuits! its cold here and that sounds good!h and the girls LOVE the biscuits so i know it will all be enjoyed!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Darn! Ham and beans sounds great right now...

Ok...It sounds very positive LOST. 

I'm praying for you...


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Lost: I am so very happy for you, I am wish I was in your shoes. I guess good things can come to those who wait?? We have chatted before unfortuatly my depressed wife has not gotten any help yet. I left the house at the beginning of the year and miss it so much. But we could not live together it would have ruined both of our health. I have dreamed of the day she feels better and I plan to approch it the same as you slow. Dont know if it will stay a plan but maybe we will see. Keep us informed so maybe we can learn from your slow recovery. Good luck


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks everyone!

this will be a very slow process! it was a good weekend...nothing exciting...good food and tv that was about it! I had some sort of stomach bug the past 2 days...feeling a bit better this morning.

omg...h's actions speak soooo much louder than words this weekend...after 3 months of him picking up a new dishwasher...always a silly reason he didnt.he shows up with it yesterday! AFTER the boat show! he really did a lot of running around to accomplish that! i was very thankful, not to mention surprised!
he did not bunk on the couch last night as he did the previous 2.
I had a good home cooked meal again for us all, caught the very end of the race and after the girls were bathed and asleep he left.

weird to say, but it wasnt so horrible as he was going cause i know he will be back. slowly , very slowly!

the girls are acting and behaving much better too...amazing what someones presence can do for a family...they are so happy to have him home more!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

proud to say...Bought Chapman's book the 5 love languages! liking it...

any opinions?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I found it a very good book -- very insightful. One I will have my son H read before he gets married. I had never thought about that potential for people to see love so varied.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good choice LOST! I'm so happy for you!!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks guys!

today just sucked! 9y/o and the homework fight again, h getting frustrated...all just ****ty! did i mention i had to make an emergency dental appt? abcess! yuk!

oh well, all is calm now! girls fell asleep quite early and h is gone for the evening...atleast no big arguments came of it!

I could see his frustration though!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

lost..he may be quit sensitive for awhile. He probably won't deal with things well. Maybe even want "out" again when frustrations hit big time.

You may still have a long road ahead of you. He has alot of work to do.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

oh C, i have no doubts there is a long road ahead!! i am ready to take that road...and see him through his work, yes he has a lot! i know i do too!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Is he addressing the mental health, low testosterone stuff - or is he still being a meatball?


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Is he addressing the mental health, low testosterone stuff - or is he still being a meatball?


he is on hormone replacement ...Dr. will not give him a/d until his count comes back to normal...it was extremely low. it is taking what seems like forever to climb back up too.
from what the Dr. says this is normal??

mental health...he listens to the DR's orders, participates in the family counceling but i dont think mc is right for us just yet...i dont think he is ready and that it could actually hinder our growth.
his heart wouldnt be fully in it, and he would probably get ticked at most of what we need to talk about and sort through...
slowly...very slowly...


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

OMG Lost. I seriously had butterflies in my stomach reading your post. I haven't been on here for awhile. Our situations were so similar and I only wish my H would say those words to me. I am so happy for you. That book! One of my favorites. good choice. 
I wish you the very best and I am sending some positive healing energy your way.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I was just checking in to see how things are going? We haven't heard from you in awhile.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Hi everyone!

Sincerely apologize it has been a few weeks. I plan on reading and catching up tomorrow as i have a ME day!

all is ok! not perfect, h has not moved home as we both agree it is too soon.

the girls and I are moving, hopefully mid april...we we see where h and i are at that point and go from there.

biggest news is that at h's last check up...few days ago, his t levels have come up enough that the dr felt comfortable enough to put him on a/d. Prozac...20 mg a day to start.

we'll see how that goes, knowing it takes several weeks to see the effects at their best.

it was 70 degress here today so the girls and i went to the zoo. h was working and was unable to join us. we had a fantastic time tho and we will see him a bit tomorrow also...luckily before i am scheduled for my time! lol


talk soon! 

will catch up on posts tomorrow!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Lost,

Was that the NC Zoo in Asheboro? I haven't been there for a while. Any new exhibits -- probably been 3 years since I've been there.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Lost, I just read this but I am happy to hear the good news and that your H's actions speaks louder than his promises, that's fantastic and I wish you all the best in your journey to recover your family


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