# Says He wants me but won’t initiate!!! Is scared



## Laurajoss (Feb 21, 2018)

We have been together for 9 months and it has been a fight for him to be intimate. He has had surgeries on his foot and hasn’t been able to work and says that’s part of it. . He also says I get a part of him that the other woman in all his previous relationships never got, meaning how close we are. Says that because all the other relationships ended badly and they had sex he doesn’t want this one to end because of that. We love each other so much and he tries to compensate for his lack of intimacy by doing other little things but it is really killing me inside emotionally and mentally. It’s how I feel loved. He knows how I feel and what I want and says he feels guilted into it the few times we have done anything. He is affectionate but it never goes further because he gets really anxious and stops himself even though he wants too initiate. Also he has been having problems with erectile disfuntion really bad. My beef is he won’t do anything. No oral, fingers, nothing although he knows how I feel. It hurts. Bad!!!! So I pretend I don’t want him so maybe he will want to chase me for once. I’m lost


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This guy is either gay,impotent or assexual.Give him one chance to sort it out,he goes to a doctor this week and has his testosterone levels checked and if it’s not impotence or any other medical reason then leave.You are setting yourself up for years of frustration and unhappiness otherwise by staying with him.
All these other relationships he claims to have had,do you actually know any of the women or are they a figment of his imagination.It sounds very strange to me that after nine months,with a willing partner he still doesn’t want sex.
If the roles were reversed every man on this forum would be telling him to run.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

9 months with nothing and you are not waiting for religious...yikes. A romantic relationship for me includes the physical stuff, otherwise it is friendship. If a heart to heart conversation about the importance of this to you does not resolve the issue, it may be time to consider if this is the right relationship for you. Reading TAM shows that sex issues rarely get better with time. If he isn't willing or already seeing a doctor to address the ED then it may not be important to him and I would seriously consider cutting him loose before you get more invested.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

First a couple questions. Is he seriously religious? How old is he?

I'll assume is his fully heterosexual, he is not too old and there is nothing physically wrong with him. The vast majority of ED is psychological. Perhaps he knows he's going to have performance issues and he feels embarrassed about it. It kind of gets to be vicious cycle. You're nervous so it causes ED and that in turn makes you more nervous and causes more ED. I have been know to get that sometimes, or used to. However once I get over the hump (pun intended) I don't have a problem. Since I've been married I've been back to 100%. Some people will tell you there is something seriously wrong with the him. Obviously none of us here can diagnose the issue with any degree of accuracy. I'll just say depending on what the issue is, it could be recoverable.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

The real reason his other relationships failed is his lack of interest in a sexual relationship.


If sex is important to you run for the hills and get out of this one.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Consider if the roles were reversed. 

If you have sex with him, he will later say you coerced him and abused him.

And there is precedence for this. This is likely to be the outcome.

This is a lose/lose situation for you.

If you want to continue with this relationship you two need to get into counseling and get serious help specifically for this issue.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

There is something not on the up and up about this. If he is waiting for marriage or has religious reasons for this, then I say good for him. If not, it sounds like a bunch of gobbledygook. In my experience, men are not that complicated. Usually what you see is what you get, and we women ascribe motives where there are none. It sounds like he is coming up with complicated reasons why he can not be intimate with you. 

If he is telling the truth about the previous relationships, then he has some serious hang ups - enough that I would re-consider a serious relationship with you. His thinking is twisted by emotional pain. If he is not telling the truth, then he is hiding a fairly serious lie somewhere about something. Either way, as @WilliamM said, it is a lose/lose for you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mother Nature never intended weak, timid, lazy males with no initiative to breed.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I know it's heart-breaking, but you should move on. He has some serious hangups about sex that are only going to get worse. YYour level of hurt and resentment will grow as you'll likely find that he has no inclination to work on these issues. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life "guilting" him into providing intimacy?

The fact that he knows it's important to you and cannot even be bothered to engage in foreplay is a really bad sign. Not only does he have limited sexual interest in you, but he has limited emotional interest in you--he's not able to support your needs and would rather bury his head in the sand. He is not partner material. 

Let this be another failed relationship he can add to his list. Maybe someday he'll grow up enough to work on himself.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

He is very odd... he doesnt want to have sex with you b/c that is how previous relationships ended? Yah, im pretty sure that is NOT the case... and if it was (maybe his ED) then he is just doing the same thing to you...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

The guy has some serious mental baggage. My advice, is if you feel you want to continue the relationship, get into pre-marriage counseling with him with a very skilled sex therapist. The guy has issues that will need professional help in getting over.

IF he isn't worth it, walk away and wish him luck.

Good luck


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

There are reasons this guy can’t keep women in his life. 

Have you figured them out yet?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> The real reason his other relationships failed is his lack of interest in a sexual relationship.


I agree 100%.

This guy is a freakin hot mess, using foot surgery to get out of sex.

Now I know WHY his other relationships fizzled out.

Have you heard the term 'beard?' I think that's what you are for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Laurajoss said:


> We have been together for 9 months and it has been a fight for him to be intimate. He has had surgeries on his foot and hasn’t been able to work and says that’s part of it. . He also says I get a part of him that the other woman in all his previous relationships never got, meaning how close we are. Says that because all the other relationships ended badly and they had sex he doesn’t want this one to end because of that. We love each other so much and he tries to compensate for his lack of intimacy by doing other little things but it is really killing me inside emotionally and mentally. It’s how I feel loved. He knows how I feel and what I want and says he feels guilted into it the few times we have done anything. He is affectionate but it never goes further because he gets really anxious and stops himself even though he wants too initiate. Also he has been having problems with erectile disfuntion really bad. My beef is he won’t do anything. No oral, fingers, nothing although he knows how I feel. It hurts. Bad!!!! So I pretend I don’t want him so maybe he will want to chase me for once. I’m lost


Apparently, according to him either a woman gets to be emotionally close to him or sex. He is incapable of bringing both to a relationship.

I suggest that you take him at this word.. that he cannot do both at the same time in a relationship. You might want to point out to him that this relationship is going to fail because he's not have sex with you. His sexual rejection of you not acceptable. You really need to end this relationship as his rejection of you will only get worse. 

A romantic relationship between a man and a woman requires sex to keep you bonded together and feeling in-love. Why? But it's the sex that causes your bodies to produce the in-love feeling. Without that, over time he will fall out of love with you and just simply not like you and not want to be around you so the bitterness, passive aggressive behavior, avoidance and other mean behavior we see in some couples who have lost that connection. It's only going down hill from here. 

Here is a thread that you might find interesting. It's long, so read at least the first few pages that share some important resources.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*


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## Laurajoss (Feb 21, 2018)

We have been going to counseling and he has said he knows that it’s not fair to me and tries to ask me if him being more affectionate is getting better. I have told him he knows the difference and it usually ends there. I don’t want to leave and I have told him and threatened leaving if he didn’t change. It hurts and he’s getting close to losing the best thing he ever had and for such an easy fix.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OMG, I am Demi - sexual. I want to defend this guy. 

My honest considered opinion is that he is too damaged to be ready to be in a relationship right now. I'd even venture that the ED (impotence) is psychosomatic. There are enough red flags for May day parade. This relationship is not going anywhere. Oh and pretending you aren't interested is not going to get him to chase (initiate).


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> OMG, I am Demi - sexual. I want to defend this guy.
> 
> My honest considered opinion is that he is too damaged to be ready to be in a relationship right now. I'd even venture that the ED (impotence) is psychosomatic. There are enough red flags for May day parade. This relationship is not going anywhere. Oh and pretending you aren't interested is not going to get him to chase (initiate).


Defending is correct.

And the red flags for May Day parade observation is right!

He needs to seek help, and she needs to stop hoping.

If she does manage to get him to have sex with her it will be a disaster for him.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your on the right track. I have seen more mismatched sex stories on here that I could count!

They are are very similiar. Doesn't matter if the guy is a less sexual or the women is the culprit. 

The bottom line is both turn out unhappy. Better to pull the triger sooner than later.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Laurajoss said:


> We have been going to counseling and he has said he knows that it’s not fair to me and tries to ask me if him being more affectionate is getting better. I have told him he knows the difference and it usually ends there. I don’t want to leave and I have told him and threatened leaving if he didn’t change. It hurts and he’s getting close to losing the best thing he ever had and for such an easy fix.


He's straight out told you sex has been the cause of the demise of previous relationships. Now he's saying he hopes being more affectionate will make up for the lack of sex. It doesn't. You know it. He doesn't get it because he honestly can happily go without sex and cannot really wrap his mind around how big this lack is in your relationship. In other words, you are sexually incompatible in both action and thinking.

Now, if you really, really, don't want to leave then you're going to have to accept the status quo. If you can't do that, staying with this man is insanity. 

I mean, really, it's a 9 MONTH old boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You're supposed to be in the "honeymoon stage". You aren't married. There aren't kids and shared assets. There isn't even a long shared history complete with intertwined lives. I can't understand why you're holding on to what basically amounts to a relatively new friendship as if it were a long standing romantic relationship. You know you can be his friend and move on to a romantic relationship with a man who actually wants to have a romantic relationship, right?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The only counseling you should be paying for is your own individual counseling to determine why you are so desperate that you are putting this kind of time, energy, money and effort into a dud.

Woman have to take safeguards to protect themselves from basically every man they encounter from trying to get in their pants 24/7.

Why are you putting effort into trying to stay with a person doesn't want you sexually???

He is either too weak and passive and damaged to pursue a sexual relationship with you. Or he simply isn't into you. 

There are 3.5 billion other men in the world and you could be having hot, monkey sex with them by dinner time tonight if you wanted. 

Women leave men all the time that are an inch too short or drive a car that is a year too old or have lost a few to many hairs or don't make as much money as they want. Why are you holding on to someone who won't provide the one thing on earth that is the most easiest thing for you to get??


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is he on any medication? Some, especially anti-depressants can kill peoples sex drives. 

If you can rule out medication and serious medical issues, than this is likely just the way he is. Some people have very low interests in sex, and nothing will change that. 

If sex is important to your happiness, as it is for many people, then you will never be happy with him. You won't get over wanting sex - it will just turn into long term frustration and resentment. 

Don't just wait and hope things will get better. Many of us have waited decades for things to improve - they won't. Set yourself a time limit (1 month) and if things are better, leave. (do I understand correctly that you are not married?). Leaving will get more difficult with time.


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