# Give up now?



## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I've posted before, but not in this forum.

Brief summary: Married to a serial cheater. We met when she was married. I was the other man (the first real affair after 3 ONS). She divorced. We married. We had kids. She had multi-year affair with OM#1. She had ONS with OM#2. D-Day about OM#1. She cybersexted with OM#3 and revealed existence of OM#2. D-day #2. She was in the fog and cake-eating. She did trickle truth, blameshifting, the IDLY speech, etc. I asked for divorce. She asked to really reconcile. I agreed.

For the past six months, our relationship has substantially improved. We're friends again. She's not cheating. (Well, it's possible the affair with OM#1 is super-underground, but I don't think she could keep up the level of friendliness she's shown for 6 months if it wasn't genuinely over. Plus, I've been monitoring).

All that said, still no intimacy, emotional or physical. She says she is "optimistic and comfortable." In a sense she's still cake-eating, but not with the affair, just with the co-parenting support.

I've read enough stories here on TAM to know just how many things I've done wrong. I know just what I and others would say if it wasn't me in this mess of a marriage ... give up on a serial cheater, don't beg her to stay. Do the full 180. Just "Let her go". Expose the A to OMW#1.

All that said, we are making progress. We're in a much, much better place, albeit without intimacy.

Why is now, after all that effort and heartbreak on my part to save my family, now that something comfortable is within my grasp, even if it's not the marriage I want, do I so totally not give a ****?

The time to have given up was D-Day. Or the first False R. Or the second False R. Or when she was doing the trick truth or blameshifting or the IDLY speech or a billion other times.

But now, after all this time? Now, I suddenly realize I don't love her anymore? Now, I'm willing to stand up for my emotional needs and my self-respect and say change this or I'm done? 

I feel like a frigging fool, with my emotional core burned to a crisp. Why does my desire to give it all up finally come after we reach a place of relative peace?


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