# Start counseling, or keep looking?



## _anonymous_

I've finished therapy recently, and have been insisting that my wife and I go to marriage counseling. There has been verbal abuse in our relationship over nearly 10 years, which has stemmed from problems in conflict resolution. Our problems with conflict resolution have cascaded into even more problems that have damaged our emotional connectivity. 

Our relationship is kind of a mess, and I'm looking forward to us getting some help from a professional. We met with a counselor yesterday for a preliminary discussion, and my wife and I are somewhat concerned that our counselor isn't the best match for us. Here's why...

1) Insecure
When she started talking, she was quick to emphasize her credentials more so than her counseling experience with married couples. She stressed that she was "almost a doctor", about to defend a dissertation soon. I'm not sure if she did this with all clients, but it struck me as her insecurity talking. As a point of comparison, my other therapist said little of her credentials/licensing.

2) Lacking Experience 
When she gave us an overview of her process, she gave some examples of ways to improve the relationship that seemed rather basic. I was concerned that her examples proxied the type of advice that she had given clients before, which seemed unhelpful for our relationship. Don't know if this signals not enough experience, different experience than we need, or something else.

3) Condescending
My wife thought the counselor seemed condescending, although I'm not so sure. She kept asking, "Do you understand that?", after explaining some things to us, maybe about 4 times during the entire session. It might have been the counselor just verifying we didn't have any questions, or it could be that the wife is right.

4) Inflexible
Scheduling with the counselor seemed very difficult. My wife needed a 6pm meeting on the weekday, and one on the weekend. Getting dates for counseling was like pulling teeth...

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Given these things, is it advisable to keep the appointments with the counselor and assess her match for us by our initial sessions? Or, should we look for a new counselor altogether?

My concern is that my wife doesn't really want to go to counseling, and if we cancel to find a new counselor, it won't happen. We've had many occasions before where the wife nitpicks counselors (over location, price, and now schedule), and I've found it always ends in us not going to counseling. Very frustrating for me.


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## nekonamida

I do think this counselor is a bad fit for you. Besides, if she's about to defend a dissertation, where is her time and energy for her patients? It's not worth wasting time and money on it when it could be better spent somewhere else. Your counselor doesn't need to be perfect but you have outlined several big points of contention and it really sounds like this counselor doesn't have the tools or the time and energy for you.

Could you head the search for a new one? Maybe tell your wife that you will handle it so that you're not arguing about specifics in price or schedule. It might even be worth saying something vague like, "They're within our budget. I scheduled an appointment on [date/time]. You will be going with me, right?" Do what you can to get her to go with you instead of letting her find reasons to put it off. Additionally, you can call counselors and get more information over the phone before you go in. Take charge on scheduling an appointment and guide the conversation towards her participation instead of giving her the opportunity to nitpick.


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## arbitrator

*The fact that she is reluctant to go to a good MC together with you shouldn't preclude your visiting with a trusted IC, if for no other reason and preeminently for your own piece of mind!*


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## _anonymous_

nekonamida said:


> if she's about to defend a dissertation, where is her time and energy for her patients? It's not worth wasting time and money on it when it could be better spent somewhere else.


I agree generally that her academics will impact her commitments to her clients. Her defense is probably a year or more away, from what she told us. The word "soon" was perhaps misleading.



nekonamida said:


> Could you head the search for a new one? Maybe tell your wife that you will handle it so that you're not arguing about specifics in price or schedule. ... Take charge on scheduling an appointment and guide the conversation towards her participation instead of giving her the opportunity to nitpick.


I've been here so many times before taking "the lead" on this with her doing the very same thing, that I've become very cynical that she is really making excuses. 

We're going through insurance this time around, so price is not a problem. 

The therapist office is close to where she works and where we live (maybe 10 minutes away), so location is not a problem.

We've got appointments as is for 6pm, starting at the end of this month, so schedule is not a problem.

My biggest concern (all of my wife's concerns aside), is if the counselor has worked with enough people like us (two professionals with demanding careers and competing interests). If she hasn't dealt with enough of that, I fear her advice won't help us much.


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## Satya

Keep looking. You should do your due diligence and vet 3.


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## Juice

Keep looking, but I honestly think self help books are better.

We tried counseling (sex therapy) and it just was another expense. 

Good luck!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


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## Thor

Experience and specific training is far more important than the degree. A Masters level therapist with 20 yrs experience and LMFT would likely be a good marriage therapist. The brand new Ph.D. with little experience and no specialized training would be a novice.

The higher level of education would generally be a good thing, but it is trumped by experience and specialized training.

If you are not confident in her being a good match, I would keep looking. But, there is no reason you can't go to a session or 2 with her to see if you like her. She may have enough applicable experience to be a good match for you. Given that you are concerned your wife will bail if you don't go to the already scheduled sessions, it may make sense to keep the first appointment and see how it goes.

Remember the old adage, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If your wife won't get on board with doing the work then it doesn't matter if the MC is good or bad. It may be a successful first step just to get her to go to a session. Once you start therapy don't let her be lazy. If she isn't self motivated to do the work, there is no reason to continue MC.


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## cc48kel

Yes, spouse and I went to one years ago and thought it was a waste of time... She gave no advice or anything. Then we just gave up. Now we have another one that I picked close to his work (a male)--- Not sure if he is good either.. PHD and seems to repeat what we say then somewhat agrees.. So I don't know what to think.. He did mention one time that if 'things' don't change that divorce would happen and another time asked me if I visited a lawyer. For now I like the fact that spouse is somewhat willing to go every once in awhile. It's better than nothing.


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