# Open marriage questions.



## Shanny (Apr 6, 2014)

Married 17 years and husband says I'm a freak and down for whatever. There has never been issues and if there were we worked through them together now everything is a fight. We have gone to swingers clubs but did not participate we just were voyeurs and did our own thing. Two months ago he wanted space so he moved his things to the spare bedroom. He was texting me to come give him a bj or he would let me know he was coming by to have sex...the last couple of times we have gotten together it's been for a bj but now since I'm not doing it deep enough it's an issue. I have never liked doing it deep and would throw up or just couldn't do it. But now it's as if he's annoyed and I am doing it for 40 min and he's complaining the whole time And I'm tired etc. last night he told me that if I wouldn't do it right he would find someone that would cause he was going to get it sucked one way or another. So now no sex for me until I do it right he says??


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

What on earth does this have to do with Open Marriage?

It doesn't.

He's intimidating you with threats of betrayal.

That has zero to do with an open marriage.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

So, he asked for an open marriage or you asked? when was that discussion?

Sounds to me like he's definitely getting some on the side.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Give him what he needs. A divorce. 

Or could couple's counselling help?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds very unpleasant and uncaring.

Why do you have sex with him if he is checked out?


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## Shanny (Apr 6, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> So, he asked for an open marriage or you asked? when was that discussion?
> 
> Sounds to me like he's definitely getting some on the side.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shanny (Apr 6, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> So, he asked for an open marriage or you asked? when was that discussion?
> 
> Sounds to me like he's definitely getting some on the side.


He has not asked just implied that if I don't he will get it from someone else he's very angry. We have three kids and it's cheaper to keep me I guess
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shanny said:


> He has not asked just implied that if I don't he will get it from someone else he's very angry. We have three kids and it's cheaper to keep me I guess
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is he angry?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Shanny said:


> He has not asked just implied that if I don't he will get it from someone else he's very angry. We have three kids and it's cheaper to keep me I guess
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, so this is sex under duress and threat of abandonment?

That's not sex... it's something quite sinister... And there is a specific word in the english language for it...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

40 minutes?  you should be the one complaining. 

There's more going on, I would look further into why he "needed" room.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

You are going to end up with an STD.

I would suggest this is abuse and you need to put together an exit strategy for you and your children ASAP.

He may grow up at some point, but this is spiraled out of your control.

Exit strategy.

That's my advice, exit strategy.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The way he's acting tells me that it's his way or the highway so here's some advice.

Want to suck something? Suck his wallet and file for divorce. Maybe he'll wake up and think of you as a woman rather than a Ronco "suck o matic".


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

6301 said:


> The way he's acting tells me that it's his way or the highway so here's some advice.
> 
> *Want to suck something? Suck his wallet and file for divorce.* Maybe he'll wake up and think of you as a woman rather than a Ronco "suck o matic".


That's priceless!!!!!!!!!!!! :rofl: Good one. And Shanny, you've got yourself a real prize pr!ck for a husband! Any way to get shead of him?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

How much porn is he watching? What kind of porn is he watching?

Whose idea was it to go to a swinging club?

I assume it was him but you can correct me if I'm wrong. 

I would also assume, that he's watching a lot of porn of deep-throat gagging porn and trying to re-enact what he's watching.

Since you're a real, live woman with her own erogenous zones and not being paid thousands of dollars and given gratis drugs to perform such acts, you probably don't enjoy it and/or measure up to those porn "stars". Pity you don't enjoy being forced to deep-throat until you throw up.  

If that's the case and he hasn't cheated yet, he's likely going to. Even if there is no cheating, you deserve better.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

mablenc said:


> 40 minutes?  you should be the one complaining.
> 
> There's more going on, I would look further into why he "needed" room.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, there's a whole lot more to this than just a ramped up sexual appetite. He's getting his appetite whetted elsewhere in some form or fashion.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

3putt said:


> Yeah, there's a whole lot more to this than just a ramped up sexual appetite. He's getting his appetite whetted elsewhere in some form or fashion.


To my mind this is a domestic abuse case, not an infidelity issue.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Tell him to suck his own d**k lol.


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## Shanny (Apr 6, 2014)

I forgot to mention I found a member ship card in his pocke for a swingers club. The thing about it though you can't be a single guy going there you have to be accompanied by a female. I confronted him and he denied it first then he said he went by himself? I'm so naive.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

C'mon, Shanny. You need to dump this loser. File for D, take him to the cleaners, and while he's there, tell him to get a super-powered vacuum cleaner to take care of his "sucking" problem. :smthumbup:


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## Shanny (Apr 6, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> To my mind this is a domestic abuse case, not an infidelity issue.


Your right!! Totally mental...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The way I see it the woman in this story has two choices if she doesn't want to continue to live in hell.

1. Get out of the marriage.

2. Divorce the bastard.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> To my mind this is a domestic abuse case, not an infidelity issue.


It's both until we get the whole story. Something, someone (no not the OP) IMO, made him move into a different bedroom and then he ramped up his coercion tactics and abuse. Almost like he uses her when he can't get what he wants.




> Two months ago he wanted space so he moved his things to the spare bedroom


Seriously, you should have shortly filed after this happened. A couple of days a week? Maybe. Two months now? He should be out and you guys should be in court.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He took some one else to the swinger club. Check his phone records and texts out. He wants space to keep things from you.

Tell him you want an open marriage because its really easy for women to find partners. You can be covered up with men. If he agrees do it and also file for divoorce.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Shanny, you sound like some kind of sex slave. As if you're living in a brothel and when the master calls you come running and you are given your orders. And after 40 minutes. . . 40 minutes??? he's threatening that he will leave you and you need to keep doing it and go deeper (ugh!) even though you are going to be sick? He has you doing this after he moved out of your bedroom because HE wanted space? He's sure getting it all his own way and in such an insidious manner with his stand-over threatening tactics. And then no sex for you if you don't comply. 

So that's a married couple who love each other making love? 

Shanny - it's demeaning, utterly demeaning and inhuman. It's what soldiers make women prisoners do in wars. They threaten they will kill the women if they don't agree. He is threatening you that he will find it somewhere else. But you have a choice. You are not a prisoner. 

He is a brute with a sexually abusive streak. 

This doesn't belong on an Infidelity site. It is domestic abuse as someone said. 

Please go see a lawyer and get D papers at once.

I wouldn't even bother to snoop to see if there is an OW because I wouldn't even consider doing R with this monster.

Think about what it's like to have sex with someone you love and who loves you. It's not this. Consenting adults Shanny. You can hardly call yourself a consenting adult in this case. That's when it starts to get very ominous. 

I urge you to get some IC as a matter of urgency.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

It sounds to me like your husband is into what they call "quacking". The woman repeatedly hammered so hard during the oral sex that she sometimes throws up. The men treat them like sub humans. They call them every dirty name in the book and sometimes even slap there faces, repeatedly.

During this, the women may vomit and cry, which seems to end up bringing them even more abuse.

These women are getting paid to do this. I can't imagine it's enough to be putting up with so much pain. I'm guessing that deep down, a number of them do enjoy it, on some level. The ultimate bad boy(s) thing.

I'm guessing that this is what your husband may be into. Even with a willing partner, there's a fine line between pleasure and sexual, physical and emotional abuse. He seems to have already crossed with you.

I say this because most men on the receiving end of a 40 minute bj wouldn't complain about you not gagging enough. I think that even if you had gone all the way down, on every bob, he still would have not been satisfied. I believe that when you gag and choke, he is getting the most pleasure out of it.

I've read where men who do this, or have their wives/SO's have sex with other men(while they watch), have some hidden resentment towards that women, or all women in general.

When they have them perform these sex acts, it's really a form of punishment. That degrading them this way is giving the man full control over them. The women becomes subservient in their eyes. They become the master.

Even if you could handle these "hard line" oral sex acts, it probably wouldn't end there. Most likely he would eventually start to push you towards swinging and wife swaps. The more he can make you do, the more he has control.

What some of the men don't think about until it's too late is how they will handle the aftermath of their wive's having sex with other men. It's a double edged sword and it can gut both ways.

I'm guessing that he spends a lot of time on the PC looking at porn. He has dreams of reenacting some of what he sees on there. Unfortunately he doesn't see what kind of lives those people are leading off the set. Many of them(especially the women) end up in a downward spiral. Drugs, disease and eventually death is common. we just don't see it because they never film that part.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Open-marriage, hell! It's all about him having his cake and eating it too! Tell me: What kind of a future does that insure you of? That's right! Not much of one at all!

All I can say is that if he want's nookie from somewhere outside of a married relationship ~ then it's time to give him the air as well as his freedom! All too apparently, he simply loves the commodity of sex with other women far more than he has ever loved you!

Give him his freedom, take yours from him, and let him stick that "STD propagator" of his in some other deserving orifice!

You deserve far more out of life than the pitiful likes of him!*


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You haven't delineated the line of your entire marriage. Did this occur in the last few months or just with in the last couple of days with these abusive sex acts.

That's why I am addressing infidelity, so you have a reason if it is a sudden change. The acts are abusive period, but if he never acted this way before something or someone changed his behavior and opened this new door.

Regardless, it is time to go because sexual degradation doesn't subside, it only gets worse. Before someone says "well, different strokes," nope he is making threats.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Something isn't right with this story. 

I have a feeling there's more to this story than what OP is telling us. There's got to be a reason why OP's husband is so hostile. Something happened and I'm wondering what it was to set him off.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

He cant get off in 40 minutes? If you didnt just get him off within the last couple hours he is either getting it elsewhere or half impotent.

Anyway. Big yikes. Red flags all over the place. If you want to find out who she is my standard post is below. Sorry reverse the sexes. Of the busts caused by this document that I know about its 28 cheating wives and only 2 husbands so reverse the sexes in the below cut/paste from my standard TAM document.

Paste:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 01-09-2014
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

01172014 1033A

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. 

The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history! 

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything she has said into the phone is right here.
I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to.

Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS.

Edit: It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He is asking like he is the only one in your marriage who has any rights. The best think you could do right now is to assert your rights and file for divorce.

Such a strong reaction by you will either snap him out of his current abusive mind set; or he will go along with the divorce and you will know where you stand. 

Do not ever put up with being treated like your purpose is to service him on demand when he wants it while he ignores you and your needs.

Forget that nonsense.


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## Shanny (Apr 6, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies!! He is super old school and has been forever... He has always provided financially and now he feels like he has given so much to the family and he is doing for himself now...He as always been super controlling and very set in his ways everything is an argument. I am 6 years older than him but look very young yet. He is 37. So I married him very young and we had kids early on in the relationship.

There have never been issues with sex I am pretty much down for whatever. We have gone to counseling before but quit going because he felt the counselor was on my side a lot of the time. It was a male counselor. I will tell you though the counselor would have a look of OMG on his face when I would tell him some of the things that he has said and done to me. 

He is very controlling and wants to be addressed all the time. He plays a lot of video games is home every night. However, he did take a week off the other week when he could have waited when the kids were going to be on spring break. He did not change the pass code and as far as I can tell there are no messages on his phone. 

The only thing I saw was he was talking to some friends of ours via text and it turn out they ended up at the same place on Friday night. Anyhow the text was hey we have some seats over here and he is like getting a drink flying solo..then he says nevermind found a friend. My girlfriend who happens to have been there whose husband he was texting was like he was alone and we thought you were coming cause he parked outside the nail salon next door. She told me he was alone as far as she could see... The comedy show ended at 930 he came in at 1130.

I am a teacher and just now got a contact after being laidoff many times and for along time so needless to say it used to e about money our fights now its this s***. I contribute to the bills always have. I was working just not on a contact with benefits and 12 months now. He says we have a business deal and if I miss a payment he will stop paying the mortgage and take my car and sell it. I do want to leave but I need to save. Thought??


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

As Opera’s character said in The Color Purple 

”You better bash Mister upside the head and think about heaven later”

I got a nice 42 OZ Louisville Slugger that can help you with that.

What does your father think of this POS ?

55


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## SouthwestGal (Apr 7, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> It sounds to me like your husband is into what they call "quacking". The woman repeatedly hammered so hard during the oral sex that she sometimes throws up. The men treat them like sub humans. They call them every dirty name in the book and sometimes even slap there faces, repeatedly.
> 
> During this, the women may vomit and cry, which seems to end up bringing them even more abuse.
> 
> ...



WOW WOW WOW This is exactly what my partner has said he wants to do.. NO WAY NO WAY..


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