# Failing to Live Up to Fidelity Standards



## Wynfield (Feb 5, 2015)

A little background - wife and I were both very messed up before we got married after dating long distance. We have both matured since, but our journey has been rocky. I dealt with anger problems and a porn addiction while she came from an emotionally damaged family with a plethora of emotional trauma.

I relapsed into my porn addiction a few times early in our marriage and had a week long text based EA (no pictures/meeting in person) . I felt guilty and called things off but when she found a questionable text I confessed everything. Since then I have gotten a flip phone, we do not have internet, and I attended an addiction recovery group.

Now... for this week. She often asks me how I'm doing with my recovery/fidelity, asks me if I ever want to look at porn, if I have talked to other women, etc. On the (now) rare occasion that I want to look at porn I have let her know. This Thursday she asked me again how I was doing. I confessed to her that from time to time I see attractive women in public and take a second glance, but I try to keep myself from noticing anyone else and that I never flirt with them or do anything else. She didn't understand what I was saying, so I asked her if an attractive man had ever caught her attention, and that it was nothing more than that. She was very upset by this. She told me that it made her feel like not being married to me. That crushed me and I told her that I was trying my best but that I thought it was impossible to go your whole life without noticing someone attractive of the opposite sex. 

We have now gone 2 and a half days of off and on arguments and me trying to console her and assure her. I verbalized my concern over her saying that she felt like not being married to me over this. Her response has been that I am being emotionally manipulative and trying to control how she feels and that feelings don't necessarily imply action (e.g. even though she feels like not being married it doesn't mean she has any intent of divorce) but then flips my concern back on me and says "why, do you want to end this?" Early in our marriage she would say things as a means of testing me, like saying "I want to go home" or "I want a divorce" when what she really meant (she explained this later) was please comfort me and assure me you won't leave me (this was before my EA). This was very difficult for me to figure out, and in the past I took it quite literally. She would also talk about how if she died (she will somewhat frequently imagine herself not existing and what the world would be like without her) that she wouldn't want me to marry anyone else. I did not like that she brought up her own death so frequently but when she pressed me on the issue I told her that I couldn't tell her if I'd ever get remarried if she died first. I tried to address the reasons why she frequently imagined herself no longer existing to reassure her. She finally started seeing a counselor this year about that and other things.

In the past we had used religious counseling to try to work things out as my wife is very religious. I know we should probably have some sort of third party involved but I am exhausted with it. When things went down 2 years ago we frequently sought counseling from a pastor and his wife who also happened to be my parents' good friends/parents of my childhood friend. I did not want this as it essentially meant repeatedly baring all my sins to very close family friends. That was the only option I was given to keep us together and since it was my fault and since I wanted to do the right thing I agreed to it.

I am not sure where to go from here. I feel that I have grown so much, not only over the past 2 years, but compared to who I was before being married, and my wife is absolutely a huge reason for that. At the same time we keep rehashing the same arguments and breaking open the same old wounds I am so exhausted. There is just so much baggage here and I feel guilty for her wounds not healing.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Couple of things.

- if you had a porn addiction much like any other addiction you can't go back and feel like you can use it casually. If you value your marriage you need to have zero tolerance for porn on your own. It's not a knock on porn but your addiction and the problems it caused. That's first and foremost.

- stop giving women a 2nd glance. Any normal human being will notice and think. You need to practice looking and just moving on and even more than that of you did look a 2nd time I would have not brought this up. Your answer should have been you notice other human beings but they mean nothing to you. Normally it might be ok to question her with what you did but because of your prior offenses what you did is basically projecting into her.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

In this forum you can get some good feedback on mostly psychological aspects of marital problems.

When your situation is heavily influenced by religion, I'm afraid that you should look somewhere else,

I used to watch porn before we go to sleep in our bed on my laptop. My wife never complained about it. Sometimes she joined me and we proceeded accordingly and happily. 

I can't see how watching porn itself can be a fundamental problem in marriage.

Plus, watching porn and having an emotional affair are two different things, how did you get there ?


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Wynfield said:


> *A little background - wife and I were both very messed up before we got married after dating long distance.*


Very Messed Up? How?

EA of yours... not good for a marriage. As far as Porn... you wife should be your Sex Addiction. Enough bashing. 

Here's the real issue. Yep you screwed up, maybe a 6 out of 10. But, you came clean and admitted your faults and sought out help. So what's the problem? Your wife is holding your failings like the supreme Trump Card in a game called marriage. You state she is very religious. Did she miss the huge, central, number one part about forgiveness? If she can't let it go and forgive after years and years... throwing it back up in your face your marriage will fail. Period. 

I've been there. I used the Trump Card for years with my fWW. Yeah, at first it felt good to always have the Upper Hand regardless of issue. Pull out the old Trump Card and shut her down in mere seconds. She was a defenseless "punching bag". No way to live a marriage. 

You need to have the talk with your wife.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

All of this made me think about the importance we place on sex and how some people get upset with our natural genetic programming to admire others who may make good mates. Looking is not cheating by any stretch of the imagination. However it is a problem if your spouse views it as such. In our marriage we point out attractive people to each other. Why hide it. It only makes sex more intense when we get home. Win-win and no harm done by looking. In my marriage of 46 years it is the emotional connection that glues our marriage together, not sex or sexual fidelity. Why is sexual fidelity important in this day and age when the father can be found by DNA testing and the mother does not need a man to support, defend and provide for her anymore? So really, other than your feelings from what you have been taught, why is monogamy so important? Is it fear of losing your mate to a better one? If so, that can happen in monogamy too as witnessed by the very high cheating rate that keeps growing. Most of these type of posts are due to one or more of the spouses feeling insecure and that is the real problem, not looking at girls or chatting with someone online. If your spouse is going to cheat, he/she will cheat and nothing you can do will change it. So be secure and do not fear the loss of your spouse. Life will be much better that way.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You had an ADDICTION, so I hope this doesnt become another "defend man porn" thread by others. 

Your wife does not feel safe. I'm not sure if she's being extreme or not. Its sounds like are trying to be transparent. I would agree with the first responder about zero tolerance.

Like I said, I hope this doesnt become about defending porn, as that is like defending vodka to an alcoholic.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

SweetAndSour said:


> In this forum you can get some good feedback on mostly psychological aspects of marital problems.
> 
> When your situation is heavily influenced by religion, I'm afraid that you should look somewhere else,
> 
> ...


I am disappointed that Porn on TAM seems to be a microcosm of the problem we have with politics in general in the world. Seems that it always turns into a left or right issue without considering the different environment, different variables, etc. 

Porn on its own is a debatable issue that I'm not going to get into right now but porn, like alcohol, like drugs, like behaviors ... Hell, even like food, can be abused and become a major issue. OP was not just watching porn, he was addicted.


----------



## Wynfield (Feb 5, 2015)

I appreciate how quickly everyone replied but this is not a porn is good/bad argument. Also, that was 2 years ago and I am not defending my actions.

When my wife asked how I was doing with things I told her that sometimes I notice other women. I am not going out looking for attractive women, sometimes you just notice someone attractive in public. I did not have to tell my wife this, but I did because I was trying to be open and do the right thing. I'm just not sure where to go from here. I have tried to talk to her. She was sick for a little bit, so I went to the store and bought her some chocolate and her favorite sparking water which made her feel a little bit better, but the next morning she was upset with me again. 

This evening I asked if she wanted to spend time together and she did not respond to me but turned over in bed. She also locked the door on me, so I left. But now I am getting text messages about being gone all day.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

She's not responding well. She is demanding honesty and then punishing honesty.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> She's not responding well. She is demanding honesty and then punishing honesty.


Maybe but I'm going to say he needs to be super consistent right now. OP, try not to, as hard as it is to react off of her reactions. Stay consistent with your progress. Give her some space but not too much and just work on being consistent. She is looking for you to foul up now so she's going to be mad if you mess up and resentful even when you are doing good. The only answer her if there is one, is to keep consistent and steady and try not to waver.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

stillfightingforus said:


> Maybe but I'm going to say he needs to be super consistent right now. OP, try not to, as hard as it is to react off of her reactions. Stay consistent with your progress. Give her some space but not too much and just work on being consistent. She is looking for you to foul up now so she's going to be mad if you mess up and resentful even when you are doing good. The only answer her if there is one, is to keep consistent and steady and try not to waver.


What... Why he needs to be consistent on feeling guilty and trying to meet a woman's demands who is a nut case in my opinion.

Edit : stillfightingforus, I think I misunderstand what you mean by "being consistent" and jumped to conclusion too quick.
Sorry about that.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> She's not responding well. She is demanding honesty and then punishing honesty.


QFT.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"Wife, when you react to honesty as you have, you leave me little choice but to conclude that honesty is not the best policy with you."

Then shut up and walk away. This is up to her to work through and fix, not you, OP.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------

