# She left 15 months ago and I'm miserable



## missinglaly

The title pretty much says it all. I guess I am just looking for some affirmation that I am not abnormal. I have another thread on this website that tells more of the story. She left me in Jan 2010 and the divorce came in June and I still think about her all day everyday. Quite frankly, I am sick of it! I miss her so much that it hurts. It seriously feels like she just left. I was hoping to be better after this long but, if anything, it has gotten worse. I am sick of being alone but I don't want anyone else. I made a vow, a lifetime commitment and it is against my nature to go back on that. Believe me, I have tried nearly everything that I could think of to help me get over her but nothing has worked. I think about her all day and I dream about her all night. It is like I can't escape it. Am I really going to have to live the rest of my life like this??? Make it stop!!!


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## hippygirl39

I don't think you are abnormal to be holding a torch for someone but I do think that for your own sake you need to be moving on with your life. Have you started going out again with friends or trying to find/pick up on a hobby? You have to take your mind off her by finding other things to fill it and only you can take back that control. Whenever I've had a relationship break up, it has helped me to focus on the reasons we weren't good together and, believe me, there is usually something however small that ultimately could have become a problem. It doesn't mean you have to hate her as hate can be just as destructive for you, but maybe if you look at some discussion about grief and it's various stages it may help you see that it shouldn't go on forever. Lastly, if you have tried all of the above, counselling may help you through this bad patch. Good luck with it all.


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## missinglaly

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, nothing is working. I am doing all the right things. I have a hobby that consumes a lot of my time. I have a great job and I do things with friends all the time. I have also been through a good bit of counseling, but, when it is all said and done there is still a gaping hole in my life and only one person can fill it. I am not trying to discredit the usual methods that a person might use to get on with their life. I am just saying that it hasn't worked for me. Even my therapist told me that most people are further along in the healing process than I am. I just feel like my ability to heal and move on is non-existent.


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## Jellybeans

Not everyone goes at the same pace.

It sounds like she left abruptly and you were divorced very quickly. You went through a very TRAUMATIC event. 

Don't beat yourself up about feeling stuck. Feel your feelings. Get busy with hobbies, exercise, friends, go on vacation somewhere new. Get busy as heck. 

I am sorry this happened to you. Know you are not alone, unfortunately. a lot of spoues just check out one day and leave the other one feeling desolate.

You will gegt past this.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

Is it possible that you miss being a husband more than you actually miss your wife?

Let me try to clarify my question. My friends and I used to tease each other by creating nicknames for one another when we found someone did really well at something, (e.g., Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, Kitchen Nazi, Moving Nazi, etc …..) mine was “The Stepford”. It was all in fun and none of us really thought much into it. Now being divorced, it appears I will need a new nickname. The irony of it is, I liked the old one just fine. Not only did my girlfriends try to console me on how “stupid” my ex-husband was, but several of his friends as well. Even a few of his co-workers I bumped into would tell me the same. I constantly heard from others how he screwed up, he had it all, what was he thinking and how I’m better off because he didn’t appreciate what he had. I know they are all so very correct and the truth is, I do not want my ex-husband back. However, a big part of me misses being a wife. I am not referring to just the labeling of “Wife” either. I’m fully aware that because an individual holds the title of being your wife or husband, it does not mean they love you and want to stay.

We may not always admit it but deep down many of us are aware of what we are happiest doing. Being a wife did not ultimately define everything about me, however it was part of what made me happy. For that reason, I still find myself struggling to move completely forward when part of what made me happiest is now gone. I can take care of my son and survive on my own. Been doing it for three years and I have tackled and handled most things which have come along. I don’t “need” a man to take care of me, but I do miss the companionship.


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## 52flower

I agree with you on this. I enjoyed the person I was when we were working on the same team. We did so much together and the companionship was what I wanted to have forever. However, when he jumped teams, there was cruel betrayal & horrible deceit that eventually destroyed our team. I still would like to be part of a caring & trustworthy relationship. I enjoy having someone to adore & be adored & to work with & have fun with. I know there are a lot of us in this situation. We need to make sure we are with "safe" partners this time.


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## Shelly29

52flower said:


> I agree with you on this. I enjoyed the person I was when we were working on the same team. We did so much together and the companionship was what I wanted to have forever. However, when he jumped teams, there was cruel betrayal & horrible deceit that eventually destroyed our team. I still would like to be part of a caring & trustworthy relationship. I enjoy having someone to adore & be adored & to work with & have fun with. I know there are a lot of us in this situation. We need to make sure we are with "safe" partners this time.


VERY WELL SAID! When the words came out of my ex's mouth i thought i was gonna die...the pain was insane and i kept saying...what am i gonna do now!!! over and over... i coldnt picture myself with out him...he was my rock and my best friend.

after seeing how he has been changing and who he is now ...yes i do miss him, i miss the old him he was with me...but that is not him anymore...i miss being married, having that best friend to get ur back anytime...i miss married life, doing the usual things.........as time goes by i miss that more than i really thought i missed him. Because i have made it clear in my mind that who he is now...is not the same person i fell in love with...and if i was go have him back, he wouldnt be the same. Thats what has made this easier.


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## Lazarus

Depending on how long you've been together it can take many many years to overcome, if ever. All this moving on stuff is not what you want to hear right now.

You want her and people usually want what they can't have. You had a bomb dropped on you and it is much worse because you never expected anything like this since you thought you were with someone who would never do such a thing to you but, it happened.

If you can keep yourself busy that might help, particularly around others. It's very difficult and usually as a guideline it takes around one month of healing for every year of marriage, or relationship since many people can be together for a while before marriage. 

You are grieving like a death in the family but it is worse, much worse because the person is still alive and you know they no longer want to be part of the union. With death becomes acceptance that the person has gone, it is a little less final on a split. Time is your best friend but that may be very difficult to see just now.

Look to help save something or someone less fortunate than yourself, befriend someone or something (animals etc) in need of your help. It can help you feel needed and wanted. It won't replace the love of your life but it may help.


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