# Question



## lighthouse05 (Apr 7, 2018)

What’s your opinion if a spouse asks you “What, do you think I’m cheating on you?” during a fight? Over the past year I’ve had intuition that there is something going on and we’ve come to the conclusion that a year ago he pulled away emotionally. We worked thru that. However, now this comes up and I’m left with my mind running around again. 

What is your experience when one says this? 

Background: we’ve been married over 14 years and have 2 kids.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

Was this comment made at random or around the time of a disagreement?


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## lighthouse05 (Apr 7, 2018)

Why Bother said:


> Was this comment made at random or around the time of a disagreement?


It was during a fight and him reacting to feeling like he’s being watched with how long it takes him to get home. But it was the first time he’s ever said this


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

lighthouse05 said:


> It was during a fight and him reacting to feeling like he’s being watched with how long it takes him to get home. But it was the first time he’s ever said this


An affair would certainly be a possibility, but not the only one. Maybe he's doing something else that he thinks you won't approve of (playing pinball, going to the bar, whatever.). Or maybe it's nothing. How much unaccounted time are you worried about? If you think there might be something going on, you can hide a GPS tracker in his car to see where he goes.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe a little more background? Did he have reason to think you were tracking his movements? Did you have reasons to track his movement based on other evidence? 




lighthouse05 said:


> It was during a fight and him reacting to feeling like he’s being watched with how long it takes him to get home. But it was the first time he’s ever said this


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Need more info.

Why did you suspect cheating?

What does, "pulled away emotionally" mean?

What were you fighting about when he made that comment? What were you accusing him of doing?

Walk us through what has been taking place?


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## lighthouse05 (Apr 7, 2018)

He was the one who randomly asked if I thought he was cheating.....
The fight was simply about something else and not communicating. More along the lines of me needing him to ask if he can help with anything when he gets home before me while I’m out shleping the kids to and from sports. His schedule is random and I can’t get myself worked up to think he will help. So I just asked why he couldn’t have texted me when he got home “Hey I see you have something cooking, is there anything else I can do?”


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## lighthouse05 (Apr 7, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Need more info.
> 
> Why did you suspect cheating?
> 
> ...


So I didn’t accuse him of cheating at all. He said this at random, on his own. 
I believe he’s feeling this way because I’ll give him a hard time when it takes him twice as long to get home from work. Then an excuse comes (it’s legit). However in the past year he’s been sneaky with deleting browser history and I found porn on his computer. We discussed and said not unless he’s gone longer than said time. He’s gone a week and comes home with more deleted history. Umm. Well lost trust. 
Then while all this was going on there was a woman at work who I brought up to him was inappropriate and he needs to watch his back. He defended her, but over time realized her bad tact. However he bought her a gift while visiting another country and I was so angry! It’s been a good 9 months. I’ve been to counseling and have forgiven him even tho I’m not 100% sure what was really going on. He said they were not flirting.


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## lighthouse05 (Apr 7, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Guilt? Paranoid? Annoyed? Controlling the narrative? Difficult to say what he really meant by that.
> 
> My husband, who was a cheater, never brought the subject up under any circumstances so I have no experience there. But I would not forget that if I were you.


Thank you for your thoughts. I certainly won’t forget. It made me think even more closely, that’s for sure.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

You'd have to watch his other body language as well. You need to ask him directly if he's having an affair/sleeping with another chick (I'd hope its another chick) Tell me about how you would respond if he hit you with this question. Would it piss you off a little and cause you to respond with an emphatic "no" or would would beat around the bush with "why do you think that" or something along those lines?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

At this time, I think it is you. I don't mean you're wrong for suspecting, just a bit over the top, with good reasons. You really are not over it. I don't think anyone can be completely over it, nor should be. 

Deleting history after being away? Well, he might be watching porn, since you caught him at home and flipped out. 


The gift to his colleague was way out of line. I think he recognized that later. It was a red flag that you needed to call him on. 

Not enough to go on, yet.

Oh, start leaving him messages when you want him to do something when you are out with the kids and dinner is on. Ask him to do whatever. I know it's not ideal and makes you feel like he doesn't love you. I don't think that's the case here. Without knowing what he did in the past, I'd say he just doesn't think about that stuff.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

lighthouse05 said:


> So I didn’t accuse him of cheating at all. He said this at random, on his own.
> I believe he’s feeling this way because I’ll give him a hard time when it takes him twice as long to get home from work. Then an excuse comes (it’s legit). However in the past year he’s been sneaky with deleting browser history and I found porn on his computer. We discussed and said not unless he’s gone longer than said time. He’s gone a week and comes home with more deleted history. Umm. Well lost trust.
> Then while all this was going on there was a woman at work who I brought up to him was inappropriate and he needs to watch his back. He defended her, but over time realized her bad tact. However, he bought her a gift while visiting another country and I was so angry! It’s been a good 9 months. I’ve been to counseling and have forgiven him even tho I’m not 100% sure what was really going on. He said they were not flirting.


I as a once married man have been in a similar situation it sounds like to him. 

You have every right to take a hard line on pornography as the wife. 
But...symptoms, symptoms.

No grown A man needs to be told what co-workers are being possibly ****ty and easy; most men easily and quickly identify "bad tact".
You may have headed off a potential affair earlier, or, best case scenario, you didn't and he was flirting hardcore with her. She triggered your intuition enough for you to bring her up? He thought about her enough to buy her a gift ALSO? No need to discuss the worst case scenario because you get the picture.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He's been doing sketchy things - the gift for the coworker is the most suspicious, imo - and now just comes out with something like that.

It seems off to me. I would start investigating.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

My h had pulled back emotionally from me- he also had a coworker that was inappropriate and he defended her voraciously- he also brought her a gift back from our family vacation as well as a few random gifts- grapes picked from our yard for her to make jam, potatoes dug fresh from the family farm, mags (my old ones)....

We went to counseling as there were a lot of other red flags for several years deleting texts etc- I'm still not really over it

I would say nothing and do some investigating- check his phone- and I'd stick a gps under his car

But that's me -and I never got conclusive evidence- and I still don't know for sure if it was more than an ea


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

His actions are very suspicious but you have to play it cool, which you have not been doing, you have already put him on notice so if he is up to no good, he will take it underground and make it more difficult for you to find out.

Stop harassing him, stop checking on him (do a semi 180), eyes wide open, mouth shut. Then place a VAR in his car, keep a record (where he will not find it) of timing, things he says, cross check his 'excuses' etc but do not confront. You require patience and time. In time all will be revealed, but do not confront yet.....


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

aine said:


> His actions are very suspicious but you have to play it cool, which you have not been doing, you have already put him on notice so if he is up to no good, he will take it underground and make it more difficult for you to find out.
> 
> Stop harassing him, stop checking on him (do a semi 180), eyes wide open, mouth shut. Then place a VAR in his car, keep a record (where he will not find it) of timing, things he says, cross check his 'excuses' etc but do not confront. You require patience and time. In time all will be revealed, but do not confront yet.....


I echo this advice. I was in a similar situation and I used the VAR confirmed my H was in a long-term affair. The fact that your H jumped straight to asking you if you thought he was cheating strikes me as defensive. 

Good luck.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lighthouse05 said:


> We worked thru that.


 That usually means *he* didn't do much of anything, but YOU found a way to be ok with knowing deep down, he was probably cheating on you. But since you had no proof there was nothing you could do. That's usually what "_*we*_ worked through it" means.

How he's 'working through it' is just being sneakier, is all. Erasing his computer history, etc. etc. Every time you say something or show suspicion, he gets a little bit sneakier, is all.

Never ignore your gut when it's screaming to you. And yours has been screaming for a long time. There's a REASON for it.


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## lighthouse05 (Apr 7, 2018)

True, it was more me who worked thru my feelings. I didn’t have anymore proof even though I’ve tried diligently to find some. However with it being a work person it’s very well hidden. 
I promise I haven’t and won’t ignore my intuition. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> lighthouse05 said:
> 
> 
> > We worked thru that.
> ...


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## lighthouse05 (Apr 7, 2018)

Will do. So I don’t ask why he would mention this to me? Just keep my notes, records of excuses, and the location tracking on his phone. I know exactly where he is and who’s probably there. One person is either this first EA, a friend of ours, or even worse a buddy’s wife. But that I would highly doubt. He’s doing work with him and wants long term success so I can’t imagine he’d ruin that. 



20yr said:


> aine said:
> 
> 
> > His actions are very suspicious but you have to play it cool, which you have not been doing, you have already put him on notice so if he is up to no good, he will take it underground and make it more difficult for you to find out.
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

lighthouse05 said:


> or even worse a buddy’s wife. But that I would highly doubt. He’s doing work with him and wants long term success so I can’t imagine he’d ruin that.


Hoo, boy. Don't rule this out. People ruin things all the time by betraying friends and family. Investigate this as well.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I hope you find he was just being extremely stupid. You can work on boundaries(his) and maybe do a little counseling together to make sure he understands. I am slightly ignoring my gut feelings... just to let you know the full truth. 

Do what they are telling you and ask when you don't understand. You have a good bunch on your side. Hang in there. You don't know anything for certain. It really could be nothing, but stupidity.


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