# Husband makes terrible financial decisions.



## ayce (Sep 27, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 17mo now and we don't have children. When we were dating we would both pay for things out of our own money that we worked for. When we got engaged we were both working good jobs. I had an hourly paid job with commission. He had an hourly job. At that time we were paying for expenses for the upcoming wedding. We did not live together. I lived with a room-mate and he lived with his father. I saved a percentage of my commission for the wedding that he didn't know about. When I was able to convince him to start a joint account with me 6 months before the wedding, he was hesitant. When I came to the bank with a little over $1800 in commission plus my paycheck, he was okay with joining the accounts, but still said that I could have saved more money than that. 

So we finally moved in together 4 weeks before we got married. He would act really strange about money and kept referring to money as his money or my money. 3 months after we got married, I suddenly lost my job that I was at for 2 years. I was granted unemployment and my husband still had his job, so we still had 2 incomes. He got really upset with me for losing my job and worried about what I was going to put in and contribute to the household financially. Once I started receiving the weekly unemployment I designed a budget for us to follow. That didn't work very well. To save from putting gas in my car weekly, I only drove my car if I needed to go to an interview or doctors appointment(otherwise I was willing to take public transportation if I had to do something outside of importance), I walked if I needed to go to the store which is 2 blocks away, I put the insurance on my car down to liability, I went to the food shelf 1xper month, I opened the blinds during the day to save on electric bill, I didn't buy anything new, we didn't eat out, we used a lot of coupons, and we were STILL broke! 

My husband complained day in and day out about how lazy I was if he saw me sitting down on the couch when he got home. He felt that I was sitting at home all day not working for the money I was receiving so he would belittle me. Mind you, dinner was always ready when he walked in the door, the house was impeccable, his clothes were always washed/dried/put away, dishes clean, vacuum, dusting, bathrooms spotless, our bed made(clean sheets weekly), and I was still receiving a nice amount of money on unemployment. I was contributing physically and financially the same way before I lost my job, just a little less money on unemployment. 

So my husband would always tell me what he was about to do with the money in our joint account, which was not apart of the budget. When I would say, we need to stick to the budget so we can remain afloat and while I'm unemployed. That didn't sit very well with him because his comment was "I work every day and I'm sick of having no money to spend when I want to spend it. You have to live a little and that's what I'm going to do with my money. I work everyday and if I want to spend a little money out of my paycheck I will and no one is going to stop me especially not you." 

So we continued to struggle robbing Peter to pay Paul, getting our cable shut off, having to start borrowing money from his parents, taking out payday loans, paying everything(except for the rent) late, and he was taking money to start his business(not caring about how we needed money for our household). 

Every time it came down to writing out bills and attempting to budget the joint checking, we would have next to nothing available. When my husband is at work, he thinks of things he wants to spend money on, tells me what he is going to spend, then spends it. He will then get mad after his purchases are all said and done and a week later when we have no money he takes it out on me. I have asked him several times to help me out by allowing me to keep up with the monthly budget without spending money.... just for 1 month and he can't. He gets the urge to spend money because he says he refuses to sit in the house with me and do nothing. That's an insult. I asked him to go on romantic walks, do movie night(redbox), cook a special meal in for the weekend, do bubble baths/candles, offered to have more sex since money was low, to have a few ****tails or wine at home, enjoy each others company, and try to relax for a month on the weekends. I even offered to ask him to invite friends over to play games, have wine, play cards, and/or barbecue at the park next door. None of this involves money. He was not interested and still isn't. 

I am struggling in this marriage and the hardest thing about being financially on the rocks is that when I offer solutions to our money problems, my husband takes that to offense. I am not rude by any means. I have never had this much trouble financially and I have budgeted my money before him, but he can't seem to be on the same page about protecting our finances. Any way I put it, I can't tell my husband no because he gets soo ANGRY. He won't follow suit and allow me to help us be responsible with our money. I want to give him an ultimatum because we have tried marriage counseling and all we do is end up arguing in the session which is completely embarrassing. It's really stressful to have to continue on this downward spiral of no money, can't buy anything new, can't go on a weekend get away, we have no savings account, and we are not getting any closer to paying off our debt. I feel like going for a separation because he just won't listen to me. He comes off as this arrogant man that has to be in control and won't take the time out to realize that at the rate we are going with him "not caring" about spending, we will end up apart. I need help, advice, support!!


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Ayce, based on your other posts the financial stuff is probably the lessor part of the problems. It shouldn't be ignored, but the big red flag is his abusive behavior.

His attitude about money is easy to understand - I did not say it was correct - just easy to understand. Since he lived with his Dad before, is it safe to assume he has never really been out on his own? When I first got out of the house and was making money, I wanted to live a little too - enjoy the freedom - not worry about tomorrow. I eventually decided or learned, or both that I wanted to get ahead.

I don't think you can wait for him, again mainly because of the abuse.

You lost your job and he blames you for that - for having to cut back. But that is not your fault. I assume that you are actively looking for work. I think you need to plan your own exit strategy. Even after you get another job, lets assume the finances get back on track, you still have to deal with his abusiveness, anger issues and lack of intimacy.

I am not an advocate for the cut & run, but if you read around on this forum you will find plenty of instances where people stuck it out hoping things would get better. But even if you managed to resolve the financial issues, there is so much more to deal with.

You are young, no kids - lots of good life ahead of you. But this marriage has started well behind the curve. Just my opinion.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

It is really great news, the best you could have in your possession is: 
What you have now! 

You don't have children together! Fantastic.
It's a pity though that _you_ do have a child in this marriage.

File for divorce and show him what you posted here in post nr 1.
Wait for his action, do an say nothing else.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

my guess is he isnt looking for a stay at home wife. Many men aren't these days.
If you aren't working, moving ahead or doing something your opinion doesnt really matter to him.
In some ways, you are right. In others, he is right. For instance you cant really expect him to work, while you arent. It doesnt appear you have that type of relationship. Maybe he wasnt raised that way.
He wants his money, and wants you to go work for yours. He figures you spend your money your way, he spends his his way. So he gets upset over the "finances" because he doesnt feel he is obligated to listen to any of your input over the money he is working for.
The stay at home thing, isnt going to fly with this guy. Just my thinking. He doesnt consider himself responsible for you. And without any children he is really just considering himself responsible for himself.
Alot of men think this way now. It really isnt abnormal. So it makes sense he would be annoyed you are at home from his mindset, telling him what to do with money. As he is looking at you as a inconvenience and thinking you should be out on your own figuring out money and your end of the equation, rather than concerning yourself with his.
Some marriage thinking is now about separating all finances, and responsibilities. Not a together mindset, as we are in this together. Im not saying agree with it but it is pretty common in more modern times like this. Your husband appears to have this mindset. counseling wont help this. He wants you to go out and get a job, and basically leave him alone to work and do what he wants with his end of the finances. which he has a right to do, not that i advocate the mentality. He is looking at you as holding him back, and extra baggage. some men dont want a stay at home wife or the togetherness approach. The reality is, he doesnt have to listen to you about what he does with the money he works for. Like i said i dont agree with the mentality of this, but he has every right to do what he wants with what he makes for money. There are no kids in the picture and you are a adult and responsible for yourself.


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