# Sad and selfish?



## Dougal33 (May 1, 2013)

3 weeks ago I asked my wife of 18 years to separate while I got my head together. I'm 49 my wife is 45. We have a teenage daughter coming up to her final exams, so we've both agreed not to tell anyone until her finals are over. We are sleeping apart and thanks to our amicable agreement are managing to keep things from our daughter.

My head is in the wrong place because 8 weeks ago I started a new job and developed feelings for a co-worker. I had not felt anything as intense for twenty two years and at no time for my wife. I recognized the 'in love' feeling as a symptom of change, both at work and at home - I have recently lost weight and returned to running and surfing. My colleague likes me well enough but has no idea of how I feel and clearly does not reciprocate (she 6 years younger than me, divorced and on the dating scene). I would be happy to leave it at that and work through the feelings by myself, allowing them to burn out. I'd never cheat. But here's the problem.

I married because my wife because we felt safe and stable and we shared values. Our daughter was born within a couple of years later and we were bound together in our mutual love for her. I did not feel in love with my wife and often felt trapped, but family life was stable, we worked hard and responsibility and raising a child left little room for much else. When my daughter was 8 I discovered my wife was having an affair. She ended it and we began the process of re-building our marriage. I was desperate to leave but was terrified I would destroy my daughter's world. I didn't speak to anyone about the affair and in time we got past it. It was clear to me that I had not shown my wife enough love, which was part of the reason she found someone else. I worked really hard to be the best husband I could and my wife worked really hard too. 

What has resulted is a close friendship but still no love. Sex has always been infrequent and brief. My wife says she loves me but all I feel is friendship and a brotherly concern. There is nothing nearing the intensity of feeling I've had at work recently. The thought of my wife finding someone else causes me no pain. I just want our daughter and her to be happy and accept an amicable split.

I know I sound like a sad forty something in a full-on mid-lifer but I long to have some fun, to date and live life to the full, I feel very selfish. I have been around a great deal of death in my job and understand more than many how short life is. I feel a young 49, fit and in my prime. I want to start a new life but don't want to leave a ruin behind me. My wife has hardly cried but says she is very sad and reserves her mourning for alone time when I'm at work. Any words of wisdom deeply appreciated.


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## Cora28 (Apr 30, 2013)

I don´t think you are selfish at all, you are just being honest. From what you say, there is no point staying together for the sake of your daughter. It sounds as if she is becoming a young adult now and while it will break her heart that you are separating, I´m sure the two of you can work through it with her. It sounds as though you have thought it through. I imagine your wife is sad, you have a daughter together and a ´close friendship´ so she´s effectively losing her support system but I think you will both be much happier in the long-run. Good luck, I hope it all works out as easily as these things can.


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## Dougal33 (May 1, 2013)

Thanks for the kind words Cora. It seems there are so many people pursuing their own happiness with little thought of the wreckage in their wake. In my heart I know I need to start again but want to leave as little pain as possible.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

did you tell your wife the real reason for the seperation if not then yeah you are selfish and want to keep your wife as a backup plan if this new fling laughs in your face.


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## Dougal33 (May 1, 2013)

Hi Terrence. I have been completely honest with my wife including telling her about the crush. I recognise that the feelings I have for my co-worker are a symptom and not the driving force behind what I'm feeling. I have no intention of pursuing my feelings with my co-worker. You're right their is a part of me that thinks staying with my wife would be safe and predictable, but she deserves much more.


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