# Partners Infidelity



## andrea479026 (3 mo ago)

Hi, I've been with my partner for 14 years now. I found out a few years after being in a relationship with him that he had started using Craigslist to hook up with others, although at this point he convinced me that his friends had done it as a joke. Fast forward to now, he has been caught out numerous times, including women messaging me about him hooking up with them and saying he was single. I keep forgiving him, especially now that we have a 5 year old together, as I don't want to break up our family. The biggest issue that I'm having is that he has lied to his family about our breakups and arguments (which were as a result of his cheating). He has told them that I'm paranoid and that he was only speaking to his female friends. Upon every interaction I have had with his mum, nan etc they have made it clear that I am in the wrong because he was only talking to friends. I have offered to show them the proof of his infidelity, as I have saved it all on my phone (numerous messages to different women arranging to meet up for sex) but they don't want to know. I am being made out to be the bad guy for now refusing any interaction with them. I have tried but they have persistently made nasty comments toward me about our relationship issues, and it has become too much, especially after all I have been put through with his continuous infidelity. I just don't know where to go from here, and would like to possibly hear from others with similar experiences


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## andrea479026 (3 mo ago)

I should also add that I have tried to break up with my partner on numerous occasions after finding out about his cheating, but he always either convinces me that he will change, or threatens suicide. I do love him and want our little family to work, but I don't feel like I could be happy in a relationship that isn't monogamous. Also he has become very paranoid in our relationship and has started accusing me of cheating, without any reason to. I am worried that he is at it again and his guilty consciousness is creating this belief.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

andrea479026 said:


> Hi, I've been with my partner for 14 years now. I found out a few years after being in a relationship with him that he had started using Craigslist to hook up with others, although at this point he convinced me that his friends had done it as a joke. Fast forward to now, he has been caught out numerous times, including women messaging me about him hooking up with them and saying he was single. I keep forgiving him, especially now that we have a 5 year old together, as I don't want to break up our family. The biggest issue that I'm having is that he has lied to his family about our breakups and arguments (which were as a result of his cheating). He has told them that I'm paranoid and that he was only speaking to his female friends. Upon every interaction I have had with his mum, nan etc they have made it clear that I am in the wrong because he was only talking to friends. I have offered to show them the proof of his infidelity, as I have saved it all on my phone (numerous messages to different women arranging to meet up for sex) but they don't want to know. I am being made out to be the bad guy for now refusing any interaction with them. I have tried but they have persistently made nasty comments toward me about our relationship issues, and it has become too much, especially after all I have been put through with his continuous infidelity. I just don't know where to go from here, and would like to possibly hear from others with similar experiences


So a few things here:
" I keep forgiving him, especially now that we have a 5 year old together, as I don't want to break up our family. "
YOU will not be breaking up the family -- HE did that with his cheating. That is ALL on him.

"He has told them that I'm paranoid and that he was only speaking to his female friends. Upon every interaction I have had with his mum, nan etc they have made it clear that I am in the wrong because he was only talking to friends. I have offered to show them the proof of his infidelity, as I have saved it all on my phone (numerous messages to different women arranging to meet up for sex) but they don't want to know"
Just flat out SEND it to them -- do not let THEM make the call on this. They probably will STILL side with him anyway, but you need to clarify the history and that HE is the liar.

Where do you go from here -- are you actually MARRIED? Even if NOT, see a lawyer. They can guide you as to what financial, custody, etc. issues there are and how they can be handled. Do NOT continue to let this guy manipulate you (which is what he is doing). You need to control your OWN life, and make your OWN decisions that are based ONLY on you and your child, NOT HIM. He gets NO consideration in what you want to do moving forward. 
VERY sorry for you being in this situation....


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## andrea479026 (3 mo ago)

Thank you for your reply. To be honest I'm really struggling to leave him, it's embarrassing to admit but I feel so lost on my own. I struggle massively with anxiety and I honestly feel I might have codependence issues. Also there are times when everything is going really well, although I have noticed that it's only when he hasn't been caught out/challenged over his infidelity. I feel like I have gotten to the point were I ignore it for an easier life, because it is so hard to leave. Especially with the pressure from his family and the suicide threats from him. I very nearly left him completely until he started sending suicide threats a month after our break up, and I just couldn't cope with the thought that I had caused that if he did. Also having to see our sons grief if his father was no longer there for him, our son loves him to bits


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## andrea479026 (3 mo ago)

Sorry I didn't mention that no we are not married, only engaged


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

You need to get out of this very abusive and unhealthy relationship. Consult a lawyer. If he threatens suicide, report it immediately to the police. He needs professional help. He will not change as long as he is with you because you have taught him that he doesn't have to. Leaving will also get his abusive family out of your life for the most part. Save yourself - nobody else will. If you won't leave, then you have to accept your life as it is. You have to choose. You have to act for yourself and your child. Be brave and keep posting. You will get lots of support here


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In order for you to define "happiness", you have to dumb it down.
And, you can't, you won't.
You shouldn't.

If you divorce, your son will still see his father.
You won't.
Well, except for those brief moments.

He knows that by threatening suicide he can convince you to return.

Leave, find your own place, again.

When he pulls that suicide crap, tell him, only his son will miss him.
That, you won't.

He needs you to care, don't feed that need.
The need will soon subside, he will find another poor women to feed his crap to.

Believe, that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The threats of suicide are highly manipulative as are him lying about the situation to his family. 
He will never be faithful because he knows you won't leave regardless. 
I would have left long ago. I wouldn't want my child to be in such a toxic situation.


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## andrea479026 (3 mo ago)

Thank you and I do understand what you're saying about our son being in a toxic environment. I just want a happy normal family environment for us all, and I'm holding onto that hope that we can move on and do that. I suppose that's why I've stopped trying to confront my partner on suspicions etc, even though I can see the pattern in his behaviour when it might point toward the usual of him going elsewhere. I just turn the other way now. Its just hard to see any other future, as we have been together since we were in our teenage years, and I feel like any other relationship would end up the same, he's the only romantic relationship I've had. I keep telling myself that as long as there aren't any arguments or confrontations that it would benefit our son for his mum and dad to be together, as silly as that may sound given the circumstances. I honestly am torn on what is the right thing to do, because I'm still holding onto that hope of giving him a family were we can all be together, but at this point my partners actions are out of my control


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

andrea479026 said:


> Thank you for your reply. To be honest I'm really struggling to leave him, it's embarrassing to admit but I feel so lost on my own. I struggle massively with anxiety and I honestly feel I might have codependence issues. Also there are times when everything is going really well, although I have noticed that it's only when he hasn't been caught out/challenged over his infidelity. I feel like I have gotten to the point were I ignore it for an easier life, because it is so hard to leave. Especially with the pressure from his family and the suicide threats from him. I very nearly left him completely until he started sending suicide threats a month after our break up, and I just couldn't cope with the thought that I had caused that if he did. Also having to see our sons grief if his father was no longer there for him, our son loves him to bits


 First, if he threatens suicide again, CALL the police. What he is doing is pure manipulation because he KNOWS it will make you feel bad and you will back down. Call his bluff by calling the police. If he really IS suicidal, they will make sure he gets looked at by a medical professional. YOU will not have caused it in any event -- HE is the one who cheated and put himself (and unfortunately you and your child) into this situation. It is HIS fault.

Second, for your co-dependence, I have heard great things about this book:
*Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself*


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

andrea479026 said:


> Thank you and I do understand what you're saying about our son being in a toxic environment. I just want a happy normal family environment for us all, and I'm holding onto that hope that we can move on and do that. I suppose that's why I've stopped trying to confront my partner on suspicions etc, even though I can see the pattern in his behaviour when it might point toward the usual of him going elsewhere. I just turn the other way now. Its just hard to see any other future, as we have been together since we were in our teenage years, and I feel like any other relationship would end up the same, he's the only romantic relationship I've had. I keep telling myself that as long as there aren't any arguments or confrontations that it would benefit our son for his mum and dad to be together, as silly as that may sound given the circumstances. I honestly am torn on what is the right thing to do, because I'm still holding onto that hope of giving him a family were we can all be together, but at this point my partners actions are out of my control


The problem is that YOU can't give him the family you want -- because HE isn't involved in trying for that.
If you truly don't see any way out, then tell him that since HE opened the marriage, you are going to do the same thing, and find someone outside the marriage (no, I don't really think it's a great idea but if you won't leave, YOU shouldn't be the one trying to ignore everything and having it dumped on you.)

Contact a lawyer to see what a divorce would maybe look like for you (finances, child custody/support, etc.)
Your fear of the unknown may be what is holding your back and getting a plan together may help you.


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## Mystic Moon (6 mo ago)

I was you once upon a time, long ago.
I overlooked my (now ex) husband's cheating because we had a baby. Then, after feeling hurt and humilisted AGAIN, I decided that my son deserved better than having his parents living a lie, and pretending to be happily married. We weren't! I was scared to be a single mom, and it was difficult at first, but I made it work. My ex tried all the tricks to get me back, but all I had to do was think about how awful he made me feel, repeatedly, and how he never accepted responsibility for his actions. I stayed strong, and he continued to play his games, for years!

After I left, I had Zero regrets!!!

I remarried 5+ years later, and have been happily married for 20+ years.

He won't change! He knows threatening self harm will get you to take him back, bexause it has worked so many times. (Call 9-1-1 and report him as a danger to himself if he threatens self harm again. He obviously needs help. ) Stop defending yourself to his family! (They taught him the morals he has, which are seriously lacking!) You and your child deserve better!!!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

andrea479026 said:


> Thank you and I do understand what you're saying about our son being in a toxic environment. I just want a happy normal family environment for us all, and I'm holding onto that hope that we can move on and do that. I suppose that's why I've stopped trying to confront my partner on suspicions etc, even though I can see the pattern in his behaviour when it might point toward the usual of him going elsewhere. I just turn the other way now. Its just hard to see any other future, as we have been together since we were in our teenage years, and I feel like any other relationship would end up the same, he's the only romantic relationship I've had. I keep telling myself that as long as there aren't any arguments or confrontations that it would benefit our son for his mum and dad to be together, as silly as that may sound given the circumstances. I honestly am torn on what is the right thing to do, because I'm still holding onto that hope of giving him a family were we can all be together, but at this point my partners actions are out of my control


Whether you turn a blind eye or not the marriage is still toxic. Your child's father is a cheat, a liar and a manipulator. He treats his mother terribly. How is that good for your son? 

Stand up for him and get away from this appalling man.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

andrea479026 said:


> I should also add that I have tried to break up with my partner on numerous occasions after finding out about his cheating, but he always either convinces me that he will change, or threatens suicide. I do love him and want our little family to work, but I don't feel like I could be happy in a relationship that isn't monogamous. Also he has become very paranoid in our relationship and has started accusing me of cheating, without any reason to. I am worried that he is at it again and his guilty consciousness is creating this belief.


In western countries unless a wife can be proven to be an unfit mother which is extremely difficult to do, in the majority of cases the wife gets the home, the kids, child support and alimony, including Common law marriages also referred to as a 'de facto' marriage.
This is probably why your partner is concerned about you leaving him knowing he`ll be screwed via the legal system and also why when husbands have affairs they rarely leave their wives knowing they have too much to lose if it comes to a divorce.
All you have to do is without your partner`s knowledge is hire a lawyer for advice. If you cannot afford a lawyer the State will provide legal aid as they did for my first wife.
Explain to the lawyer your partner is mentally and emotionally abusive, it will be easy. So if you want to get out of this relationship start seeing a lawyer for advice and weighing up your options.
Back in the UK after my divorce I became a legal executive and had conducted many divorce cases, so I know what I`m talking about.
*BUT:*
This is something that is a mystery to me about women.
It appears on reading your post that this guy is a loser.
I`ve known lots of women in the past who have had boyfriends or husbands who have treated them like absolute crap, yet remain with these guys and cling onto them regardless.
On the other hand, I have known women who have had boyfriends or husbands that have been beta male nice guys and these women have cheated on them, had little respect for those male partners and soon become bored in the relationships.
I am sure most posters on here are going to say; leave this guy and you will respond, but I love him. I have seen and heard this countless times.
Please tell me out of interest and curiosity, what attracts women to these brutish, thuggish loser types of guys?


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

andrea479026 said:


> Hi, I've been with my partner for 14 years now. I found out a few years after being in a relationship with him that he had started using Craigslist to hook up with others, although at this point he convinced me that his friends had done it as a joke. Fast forward to now, he has been caught out numerous times, including women messaging me about him hooking up with them and saying he was single. I keep forgiving him, especially now that we have a 5 year old together, as I don't want to break up our family. The biggest issue that I'm having is that he has lied to his family about our breakups and arguments (which were as a result of his cheating). He has told them that I'm paranoid and that he was only speaking to his female friends. Upon every interaction I have had with his mum, nan etc they have made it clear that I am in the wrong because he was only talking to friends. I have offered to show them the proof of his infidelity, as I have saved it all on my phone (numerous messages to different women arranging to meet up for sex) but they don't want to know. I am being made out to be the bad guy for now refusing any interaction with them. I have tried but they have persistently made nasty comments toward me about our relationship issues, and it has become too much, especially after all I have been put through with his continuous infidelity. I just don't know where to go from here, and would like to possibly hear from others with similar experiences


So, you got with the _bad boy_ and you got burned. Not only that, you made the God awful decision to have a kid with him in the hopes that he would stop the _bad boy_-ing but... he doesn't want to stop. 

Solution: Dump him, cut all contact with him and move on.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I don’t understand why you think that one day you’re going to wake up into a completely different relationship. You won’t. Not tomorrow. Not next year. Not ever. He has humiliated and disrespected you in such profound ways for years. That is not how you treat someone you love. That is not how you treat someone you love. That is not how you treat someone you love. This person that you claim to love and want a life with is a horrible human being with no morals whatsoever. This is his lifestyle, not one drunken mistake. Why on earth would you want to raise a child in this disfunction? As a parent, I can’t imagine raising my child in such a toxic, unhealthy environment. 10 to 1 your kid will become a cheater too, because his mom and dad are teaching him that this is what relationships look like. It is so exhausting reading stories like yours, and very sad. It is clear that you have no real intentions if leaving. I genuinely hope that I’m wrong and that someday you develop self respect and realize that you are being abused. How on earth you can ever sleep with him after he lies to his family about you like that is beyond anything I will ever be able to comprehend. He is humiliating you over and over and over. Please stop letting him. You are worth more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You had a child with someone you knew was a cheater. He’s had years to change, before and after your child was born, and hasn’t. You can certainly choose to stay but you’re going to have to ignore his behavior the rest of your life because this is who he is.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s a ****ty manipulator. He’s not going to kill himself hez too big a narcisist. And if he does, his guilts not on you. Leave his sorry ass.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

andrea479026 said:


> Thank you for your reply. To be honest I'm really struggling to leave him, it's embarrassing to admit but I feel so lost on my own. I struggle massively with anxiety and I honestly feel I might have codependence issues. Also there are times when everything is going really well, although I have noticed that it's only when he hasn't been caught out/challenged over his infidelity. I feel like I have gotten to the point were I ignore it for an easier life, because it is so hard to leave. Especially with the pressure from his family and the suicide threats from him. I very nearly left him completely until he started sending suicide threats a month after our break up, and I just couldn't cope with the thought that I had caused that if he did. Also having to see our sons grief if his father was no longer there for him, our son loves him to bits


Go to see a woman’s aid group for counselling and help. If you are in the UK go to the Citizens advice bureau for information on how to leave him. They give advice FOC.
the suicide threats are just a way to manipulate you. Next time tell him you will call the police and do it. He is abusing you in every way. His family sound toxic, this is no environment to bring up your child.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BoSlander said:


> So, you got with the _bad boy_ and you got burned. Not only that, you made the God awful decision to have a kid with him in the hopes that he would stop the _bad boy_-ing but... he doesn't want to stop.
> 
> Solution: Dump him, cut all contact with him and move on.


Please stop the victim blaming FFS! and have a bit of empathy.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

aine said:


> Please stop the victim blaming FFS! and have a bit of empathy.


Did you not see my "solution"?


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## andrea479026 (3 mo ago)

Thanks for the replies, just to clarify, when we decided to start a family he had convinced me that he hadn't cheated, and that it was a friend pranking. I stupidly believed him, as I thought I knew him better than I did. I did have some doubts, but believed that I was just being paranoid, as that's what he kept telling me, i thought I was the problem. It wasn't until after I fell pregnant that I found actual proof, and then realised that he was most likely lieing the whole time. I have since been having contact with a domestic abuse organisation for help and advice, as he started getting aggressive (throwing things and spitting at me). A friend of mine with a previous similar experience has mentioned that it sounds like I have a trauma bond with him, which is something I'm looking into for help to leave the situation


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## andrea479026 (3 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> In western countries unless a wife can be proven to be an unfit mother which is extremely difficult to do, in the majority of cases the wife gets the home, the kids, child support and alimony, including Common law marriages also referred to as a 'de facto' marriage.
> This is probably why your partner is concerned about you leaving him knowing he`ll be screwed via the legal system and also why when husbands have affairs they rarely leave their wives knowing they have too much to lose if it comes to a divorce.
> All you have to do is without your partner`s knowledge is hire a lawyer for advice. If you cannot afford a lawyer the State will provide legal aid as they did for my first wife.
> Explain to the lawyer your partner is mentally and emotionally abusive, it will be easy. So if you want to get out of this relationship start seeing a lawyer for advice and weighing up your options.
> ...


I'm not sure if I can answer your question, but feel compelled to try, as I have been asked the same question by others many times regarding my situation. All I can say is that my partner was never 'brutish' or 'thuggish' in any way for the first few years. He was in fact the perfect gentleman, he made me feel loved and valued. His behaviour only started to change later in the relationship, once I felt I really loved him and we grew close. I would never have entertained a relationship with him if I knew what would happen In the coming years


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