# dealing with unforgiving



## adapting (Jun 17, 2012)

I don't know if I'm posting in the right forum but I was hoping if there are any experienced husbands out there that might be or have been going through the same thing I am right now. How do you cope?

My fiance is unforgiving. She does not take "I'm sorry's" even for little mistakes. I've never done anything major that would damage our relationship or our decision to get married. She says she doesn't believe in forgiveness which is very difficult for me to understand. I grew up in a house where it was bad if you screwed up but you could always find forgiveness through your actions. 

When she gets mad she clams up and doesn't talk to me. She leaves the room and doesn't talk to me. She expects me to know what I did wrong without even telling me, and even when I do figure it out there is nothing I can do to solve it. Even when I let her go off on her own and let her cool off until she is ready to talk there is still nothing I can do. Even though I am in the wrong the way she leaves me in the other room leaves me feeling pretty ****ty. I'm a pretty good listener I shut up while she gets everything out. When she get's pissed like that I know I really did do something wrong, and I feel like I don't have the right to tell her that I don't like the way she treats me when she gets really mad.

On top of that when I explain to her something she does that bothers me she tends to blow it off, and sometimes I come off as the bad guy even if it's when it's something that she has done.

She has no regard for effort or trying. It is either do or do not. She has a respect points system that when you do something that pisses her off you lose points. I've seen the way she treats people she has lost all respect for and it scares me. 

She doesn't care about what I do to make up for what ever I have done, and she doesn't care about the fact that I did it. She just likes to beat this grueling lesson into my head so I understand what I did and that it pisses her off.

Here's how our arguments usually resolve themselves. We argue, I talk about what I can do to make up, I try to comfort her, she blows me off, I talk to her about forgiveness, she acts unforgiving, I break down and cry because I feel like a failure and a disappointment, she doesn't do anything to comfort me, we end up just dropping it because she says it's done and she has what she wants, she goes about her business, I feel ****ty for the next few hours sometimes until the next day, she doesn't do anything to let me know things are alright, she says she never forgets and never forgives and we were never not alright, she's alright I feel terrible beyond what I believe is necessary for what I have done. 

I don't understand how someone can hold so much unforgiveness on their shoulders.

I love her very much and don't expect her to change. We have a very good relationship we just need to find a better way to communicate in an argument. I even have this strange respect for what she believes in. 

Most of the time we bicker and argue like a normal couple. Just normal relationship stuff. We have never had a fight if you know what I mean. When we have the big arguments this is how it plays out. I just want to learn how to cope with this, if it's normal, and if anyone out there has a similar experience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

adapting said:


> She leaves the room and doesn't talk to me. She expects me to know what I did wrong without even telling me, and even when I do figure it out there is nothing I can do to solve it. Even when I let her go off on her own and let her cool off until she is ready to talk there is still nothing I can do. Even though I am in the wrong the way she leaves me in the other room leaves me feeling pretty ****ty. I'm a pretty good listener I shut up while she gets everything out. When she get's pissed like that I know I really did do something wrong, and I feel like I don't have the right to tell her that I don't like the way she treats me when she gets really mad.


She says that she does not forgive or forget. So does she bring up your past wrongs a lot?

I think that the two of you need to go to marriage counseling to learn how to handle this type of situation. She is wrong to expect you to know what you did wrong. You are not a mind reader. It sounds to me like she game playing.

Her not paying attention to the things you say you need is just down right wrong.

This is not a healthy relationship. Don't marry her until these things are solved.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"She says she doesn't believe in forgiveness which is very difficult for me to understand. "

If she truly, honestly doesn't believe in forgiveness, I cannot imagine why you would even consider marrying her. That's a huge leap away from humanity right there.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

OMG...... do NOT marry this woman, her ways of dealing with communication are horrendous, ugly, obviously unforgiving (which is BS -- as if she is [email protected]#$%^&)...

You sound like you come from a Healthy family , we all screw up, say retarted things, get mad..but then we talk about it, learn the beauty of some humility, taking ownership of our own issues....not running away and pouting and trying to control the other with silent manilulation...forgiveness is vital !!! She is resenting you before you even take any vows. Oh no.. you can't marry into this! 

Love will not be enough .....She is a passive aggressive silent treatment holder... a descent into hell itself communication wise, a marraige destroyer, frustration off the richter scale. 

Here is a good article on how couples SHOULD and need to heathily deal with arguements, disagreements, conflicts and fights... as every marraige will have them... 

 Lessons on communcation - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE

Since you are not married YET... Might want to take a look at some of these points, KNOW what you are marrying and how it may affect your life....her life... Noone wants a divorce down the road...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Respect....points? :scratchhead: So what, she has you on an arbitrary scoring system? 

She sounds a lot like my wife right now. Zero empathy and only results. Passive Aggressive types are next to impossible to work with, as I found out. I wish you the best of luck, though.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Isn't paranoid narcissism charming?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

This sounds very passive aggressive to me, and I wouldn't consider marrying someone like this until they'd sought counseling.

We ALL make mistakes in life, and a wise person learns to repent, apologize, make amends and learn from them. It isn't healthy to hold on to mistakes - our own or other people's.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Get out while you can, there is no "fixing" this women, she has made her line in the sand & issued a dire warning to anyone who dares cross it.
She seems like the type of person who would use your supposed transgressions as an excuse for her own sh*tty behavior, even possibly having an affair.
Call off the wedding, do not Pass Go, marrying her will no doubt bring you a lifetime of misery.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Stop being her doormat. Stop apologizing all the time. She doesn't respect trying because you're always trying, and trying too hard. Go read Athol Kay's book and start there.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Drover said:


> Stop being her doormat. Stop apologizing all the time. She doesn't respect trying because you're always trying, and trying too hard. Go read Athol Kay's book and start there.


I agree with this.

First, if you did something wrong, apologize sincerely... and once. After that, don't acknowledge it again.

Second, you have to be strong enough to accept the silent treatment and cold shoulder so it shows she isn't affecting you. Don't follow her around begging forgiveness or crying. Get out by yourself. Tell her politely you are going out without further explanation.

Third, definitely look into counseling for both of you. If she won't go with you, go alone and learn (a) how to change her, (b), how to accept her or (c) how to leave the relationship.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

At a minimum, you should do marriage counseling BEFORE you get married. If she can’t find some way of forgiving the small things, you are doomed. Sorry, that is an absolute. I absolutely would not marry someone who carries around a list of ‘wrongs’ like this. They will make you miserable because they hold a grudge.

Not even being ‘perfect’ will work because....... you are human I assume; This means you will most assuredly make mistakes small and big in your life. Perfection in life is impossible; Its messy. If she’s going to hold onto them like that, over time, she’ll be carrying a lot of baggage and holding it over your head. It only grows. There will be zero respect because in her mind, you have continually screwed up and won’t ever be anything more than a sum of your mistakes. Do you really want that? I could play it out for you.... But the bottom line is there isn’t a happy ending in it.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

Bah. That's ridiculous. And you know it or you wouldn't have posted this. You will never be perfect and you will always be crawling to her, abasing yourself. Really...is it worth it?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

adapting said:


> Here's how our arguments usually resolve themselves. We argue, I talk about what I can do to make up, I try to comfort her, she blows me off, I talk to her about forgiveness, she acts unforgiving, I break down and cry because I feel like a failure and a disappointment, she doesn't do anything to comfort me, we end up just dropping it because she says it's done and she has what she wants, she goes about her business, I feel ****ty for the next few hours sometimes until the next day, she doesn't do anything to let me know things are alright, she says she never forgets and never forgives and we were never not alright, she's alright I feel terrible beyond what I believe is necessary for what I have done.
> 
> I don't understand how someone can hold so much unforgiveness on their shoulders.


It has nothing to do with a policy of unforgiveness. It is how she dominates you. And it clearly works very well for her, so she will not change one bit, until you stop buying into it. 

What you describe is a recipe for disaster in marriage, but you can fix it by standing up for yourself and not being a puppy dog that tries to cry to gain her "forgiveness".


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You break down and cry? You're not even married yet? Do you know how many deep and disturbing arguments you guys are going to have once the I do's are done?

You have some serious thinking to do.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I am happy you asked this question and I'm sure that even though you expected them, the responses you received are not what you wanted to hear.

I will repeat the salient points: Get out now. You cannot be in a healthy relationship with this person. What now only applies to little things you do wrong will expand to everything you ever do. Nothing will be good enough...ever. You will live under this person's thumb forever and will never have any self worth. You should not be tormented like this, even 30 years into a relationship, and definitely not before the marriage has even begun. 

This person is not who you want as the mother of your children and as your partner in life. She may be beautiful, funny, great in bed, charming, etc., etc., but she is never going to be the wife you need and if she truly can't forgive, you are walking directly through the gates of hell if you choose to marry her.

Sorry, but I just needed to be as clear as possible. I've been married for 9 years, so I'm not a newlywed. Marriage does not get easier with time and these issues will only get worse. Then one day you'll wake up and resent her and your life and wonder how you ever got here. Don't ignore the advice you're getting my all of these really good people on this site.

At the very least, go see a marriage counselor first, but from what you're saying, I'm not sure she'll even agree to that. I'd make it an absolute condition of the marriage.


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## MPDBlues (May 26, 2012)

Non-forgiveness is not only BS but it's impossible...if she was really completely unforgiving she wouldn't be with you...or for that matter anyone else, because she would see everyone as a waist of her time...

You need to read 3 books NOW!!!!

"*No More Mister Nice Guy*", by Robert Glover...(from a quintessential former "Nice Guy")
"*The Married Mans Sex Life Primer*", by Athol Kay (as mentioned above, this one is a must, single or married)
And "*Awareness*", by Anthony De Mello...(to see the benefit or detaching yourself)

If you marry this girl as things stand right now, you will continue to be a broken little boy to her for the rest of the time SHE decides to stick around...You need to take a GIANT step towards manning up and pull a complete 180 on her...She likes to take every little thing and set blame and then not tell you what was the wrong or forgive you for it...DO THE SAME TO HER...but do so WITHOUT ANGER...I know this sounds very odd but having begun this proccess myself not too long ago I know it works...Those 3 books will be a major wake up call to your situation before you get trapped into a loveless, full or endless resentment, sexless marriage, and I mean TRAPPED!!!


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## Dayhiker (Mar 5, 2011)

Next!!! 

Seriously, run, do not walk away from this one. Then take the time to fix yourself as the other posters have suggested. Once you start to value yourself you won't tolerate such poor behavior and you will be able to find a woman who values and respects you.

The way I see it, if you think it's bad now, it will only get worse after you get married.


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