# Writing about my story



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm thinking about writing about my life, specifically dealing with my narcissistic abusive father and my narcissistic abusive ex husband. 
I have learned a lot and I'm wondering if other women who are in or have overcome these relationships to find a normal life would be interested in that. 
I just don't know how to write it without people feeling sorry for me, I hate that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If you are thinking of writing it here, or on a public blog of sorts, you are open to opinions. (just another's point of view), that's all it is.
I would personally love to hear how someone overcame their challenges.

Pity is when there is no solution. Truimph is reading the solution 
I love reading personal stories!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I was going to write it here because quite often I read threads where someone is dealing with a SO who is just like him, and I keep having to repeat myself. This way I could just post a link.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Me thinks that would be a great idea! (look forward to it)


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thanks so much!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

deejov said:


> *Pity is when there is no solution. Truimph is reading the solution*
> I love reading personal stories!!


:iagree:

I love reading personal stories and bios.
For the exact reason highlighted above , and that they give me an entirely different perspective.

Every life , has a story.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've always been a Biography-aholic, I find others stories truly fascinating...

In my youth, I would go to the Library and read biographies... always more interested in the REAL over FICTION.... the ones who have overcome the greatest of obstacles are always the most inspiring... much can be learned from their experiences..to give the rest of us HOPE.

The LINK Idea... use it ... I link my threads on here all the time... if I think it could relate.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Caution: this thread contains references to sexual abuse, incest, emotional and physical abuse. Do not read if these items trigger you. 

I ran down the stairs as fast as I could, slamming the door behind me, hoping neither parent followed me. 
I ran over the green yard, looking down, seeing the grass blur as my lungs stung. Then over the concrete, up the steps to her house. 
I knocked on the door and rang the doorbell. Her mom, an elementary school teacher answered the door. 
"what on earth is wrong??"
"please let me in!"
My best friend appears behind her pulling me in the house. 
"what happened? Are you hurt?"

I close my eyes as they pull me in the house. "my dad has been touching my chest and he tried to do it again today, and I told him no and he started screaming and yelling horrible things at me."
I break down crying. They are shocked but tell me it's not my fault and they are going to help me. Her mom goes to the phone and calls 911....

I open my eyes and I'm sitting on the floor in my room, determined not to run to her house because I'm so ashamed, because I know her parents will call the police and then he will go to jail and I'll be in a foster home.

I take a deep breath and try to move but I can't. It feels like my mind has been split into pieces and I have never felt so lost and alone. 

I don't know how long I stayed like that. I was frozen in time. It felt like a part of me did run away somewhere and I had no idea how to get it back. 

"you're in love with your own skin." what? 
"all you care about is yourself!" 

I know he said those things and yet I can't remember him trying to touch me: I remember him coming to sit on my bed. At age 14 this had been going on for two years and I finally had enough. 
I don't remember telling him no. But I am sure all I said was "no". 

I hear my mom's raised voice downstairs and hear him calmly responding. I'm still frozen. 

He comes back a different person. Stands at the door and says he's sorry, he never should have said those things. He asks me to sit down and tells me he was wrong and he won't do it again and that my mom already knows and told him not to do it anymore. 

Twelve years later I forgot that he had told me that my mom knew. I knew she didn't know. At 26 my visits to them we're intolerable. He continued with his "jokes" about asking me if I need help in the shower that he started at puberty. 

When I was 16 I fell into a deep depression right around the time I met my first boyfriend. He was a great listener and I would tell him about the bizarre behavior, the emotional and physical abuse, the manipulations and control. 

We would park in a dark lot sometimes and instead of making out I would cry and cry in his arms. 

I was addicted to his love. I was on a high from the romance, the intensity, the sexual chemistry. People said we were like Romeo and Juliet, we seemed like an old married couple in high school. 

Even with all the relief from pain I got from my love high, I was starting to have nightmares. I started to feel like things weren't real. I would walk down the hall at school and not know if I was awake or asleep. 

He pushed me to get into counseling and I finally had the courage to tell my mom that I felt very depressed and that things felt unreal. 

After she told my dad he came in my room and told me he didn't want me to go. I couldn't believe it. He and my mom had been in marriage counseling for years. (yes while he was molesting me). 
He said if I had any problems I should be able to talk to him, I didn't need to talk to a stranger. 

As usual I felt a crushing disappointment in his ability to deal with reality. I had figured out that he played by a completely different set of rules from the rest of humanity, and he didn't care if every other person on earth thought he was wrong. He was right because he was the man, he worked and brought home money so he was the expert on everything. 

My mom got me started in counseling. I remember the room had multiple paintings spread on the floor and leaning against things. I would talk and them cry, staring at these paintings, holding Kleenex in my hand. 

By the end of the session I usually had ripped up a couple of tissues by rolling a piece back and forth between my thumb and finger.

Many times I hardly said anything and she would just sit there. I would ask her what I should say and she told me it was up to me. 

She told me I had severe depression and anxiety and that I needed to come twice a week for a while. 

I never told her about the molestation but i did tell her about the covert incest: the pats on the butt, comments about my body, wanting me to sit on his lap, getting mad that I didn't want to kiss him on the lips. 

He would ask me after work if I thought of him that day. I would just say no and he would get mad. He would tell me over and over that I needed to work on our relationship, I had literally no idea what that meant. 

His temper was horrible and would often be set off by next to nothing. There were times when he would go into a state of near psychosis, wandering around the house muttering and yelling "when is it going to be my turn? When do I get to be loved?"

The three of us would cower in our rooms praying that he would leave us alone, Sometimes my mom would confront him asking what he meant, and they would get into huge screaming fights. 

To be continued...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Teachers sometimes asked me if I was ok. I hated it. No I wasn't ok but I didn't trust anyone to help me. 
In the Midwestern middle class area I lived in, people didn't talk about abuse yet. Oprah hadn't started educating people about it. 

The week after I told him no I stopped talking to my father. I had always avoided him but now I didn't even try to acknowledge him. 
One morning I heard him screaming in pain at the sink. My mom was right there, she said maybe he had an ulcer but not to worry about it. 

At the end of the week when we were alone in the house he told me this had to stop, that he can't stand me not talking to him and this is his house and I am not allowed to ignore him in his own house. 
He didn't apologize or bring up what happened, just said he couldn't sleep and was sick to his stomach. 

At this point I hated him but I couldn't feel the anger. I wished I could be someone else. I used to try astral projection with the plan of never coming back. I wondered why me, why did I have such a ****tÿ father? 

I thought a lot about killing myself. I thought the best way would be to take pills. Less pain and no blood. I would imagine my family and friends at my funeral and knew I couldn't put them through that. 

He started getting worse with his temper. He would start screaming about nothing. We had to do a swimming course for gym and I wanted to wear a big T-shirt over my suit like some other girls were doing. 

I asked him if I could borrow one of his and he flew off the handle. I'm not sure what he said but it went on for ten minutes. Looking back I think he knew he was the reason for my uber modesty and he knew what he had done and couldn't handle it. 

I talked to the school counselor and told her what happened with the shirt, hoping she would help me. Instead she said he's probably stressed out about work. She said that I should just wait it out and sent me on my way so she could finish writing her lettters of recommendation.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

When I was 26 I was living with my future husband. I had been in counseling on and off and had started taking anti depressants. 
I had read tons of self help books. 
I couldn't stand being around my father any longer. I knew if I told my mom what happened and confronted him that he would say it was false memory syndrome, he would deny everything and my mom would stay by his side. 
I imagined telling them they were out if my life, and moving forward without them. 

My future husband and I were close. I told him about what my father did and he didn't get mad or try to fix it or tell me what to do. 

So I wrote a letter. I explained to my mom exactly what happened and for how long. I told her I knew he would say it was false memory syndrome and I didn't expect her to believe me but this was my truth and I couldn't live with the lie anymore. 

I got a call from my father telling me that he had admitted to my mom that it was true. He said a lot that I couldn't comprehend, and ended by saying that we would work it out and that he always knew one day I would be strong enough to tell the truth. He was almost chipper. 

I talked to my mom. I knew she had been crying, she was devastated. By the time I got off the phone so was I. 

After about a year of counseling in high school, my counselor told me that she couldn't continue with me because I would never improve if my family didn't change. 

I felt a small glimpse of hope and validation. For years I was the scape goat, the emotional punching bag for my father. Everything was my fault. If anything bad happened to me, it was because of something I did. If I accomplished anything it was barely good enough. 

My younger brother and I fought with each other hatefully. I took my rage and focused it on him and he did the same. I hated that my father ignored him. He never told him they needed to work on their relationship or spent an hour screaming at him about how he is a lone wolf and doesn't care about anyone, how he is selfish and ungrateful. 

He had his own share of abuse. When he did get in trouble it seemed the physical punishment was more intense. He ignored him, he said negative things and didn't give him any credit for the good things he did. 

And in return he took his anger out in me. I don't remember how old I was but I think I was in jr. high school. My parents were gone and for some reason my brother and I started fighting. I have no idea what it was about. 
I remember us throwing shoes at each other and then he walked upstairs and kicked the wall, leaving a big hole in it. 

I knew he was in for it. He'd done it now. 
We weren't even allowed to put tape or pins on our walls. The house was a continuous project of his. I can't remember a time when he wasn't painting, tearing up carpet, moving walls around, putting in wood floors, redoing the basement. It was always something. 

When my parents got home and heard what happened my father told me it was my fault that he kicked the wall because I provoke people. I make people mad. 
He stood over me and told me I had to apologize for it. 
I stayed quiet, not knowing whether to scream or throw up. I felt frozen. I knew he couldn't make me say it. I knew if he tried to punish me for not saying it my mom would stand up for me and they would end up in another screaming fight. 

I said he was the one who kicked the wall. "Admit, say you are sorry." 
"I didn't kick the wall."
"but you made him do it."
"no I didn't. He has control over himself."

This went on for probably twenty minutes until he finally gave up. 

So my therapist said this wasn't all my fault. I wanted to laugh and yell and tell everyone! It's not my fault! It's him, not me! 

She set up an appointment for a session with the three of us a week later. The entire week my father was even more on edge than usual. The night before the appointment he started in with asking me for the garage door opener. 
I was always home earlier than him every day so I had it in the car I drove. 
I was 16 and at the end of my junior year. 
I knew he was trying to get to me just to be petty. I asked him why now of all times does he suddenly need the opener. He ended up screaming at me again. 
I ran into my room and he quickly followed, ran over and I could tell he was going to slap me. I yelled at him "don't even try to slap me!" it had been years since he had stopped his habit of hitting, pushing, kicking and screaming in my face. 

I looked at the red marks on my arm and just thought there was no way this counseling session was going to do anything. He was too crazy and violent to be able to change. 

At the sessions she talked to me first and I told her that he hit me and she said people escalate before a big session. 
Then she talked to them alone. The tension when they walked in was palpable. I sat in the waiting area feeling sick to my stomach wondering what they were talking about. 

Finally she called me in. She told me that she told them that we needed to go to family counseling and that my father needed individual or I would never get better. 
My father seemed completely perplexed. He said something about how he was just trying to love me and that I didn't love him. She said calmly "you can't be your child's best friend and the family dictator." 

What??? I had never heard anyone talk to my father that way. It was an amazing moment but I knew somehow we would pay. 

On the drive home he drove extremely fast and went through some stop signs. He was coldly silent, gripping the wheel with white knuckles. My mom told him to slow down and he didn't say a word.

The next night he told me that he had thought about it and he knew he needed to go to counseling. He said he knew what he did was wrong and that it was his fault and he wanted to fix things. 
I was on cloud 9, full of joy. Finally we might have a shot at being normal. 

I told my boyfriend about it and he warned me not to get to excited about it. I had no idea what he was talking about. 

The next night my father's mood was sour and my mom looked really sad. 
He told me after dinner that he needed to talk to me. He told me that he wasn't going to counseling, that my feminist therapist had tricked him. Nothing was wrong with him and in fact we weren't going to family counseling either. 

He told me as a man he was the leader of the family and no one was going to tell him how to run his family. He said something about how my problem was that I didn't work with him and if I would just not make him angry and do what he wanted everything would be fine. 

I was devastated. I sank into a deep depression. My therapist helped me to sift my way through it somehow and focus on me. 

That summer I went on a trip for a month with a school group. I didn't miss anyone. I had never been happier in my life. I didn't want to leave, and fantasized about running away from the group, living as an illegal alien.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thank you SO much for your kind words! It really means so much to me. I kind of had a moment of panic when I started posting the first one but it feels good to get it out there.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I took psychology in high school and was fascinated. I knew I wanted to do something related to it, I wanted to help people like my therapist had helped me. 

There's a saying in the mental health field: if you're here, you're either trying to figure out what's wrong with you or what's wrong with someone in your family. 

I went to college to get away from my father. He wanted me to stay at home and go to a local college. He knew it would be cheaper and that he wouldn't lose his scape goat. 

I vehemently rebuffed that idea. I had worked hard to get good grades and took college classes in high school. All my friends were going away to college. No way would I stay.

During my freshman year I got involved with a group on campus that promoted nonviolence including violence against women. I trained to be an educator and give talks about it around campus. 

During the training it hit me: my father is an abuser! He abused all of us! I learned about the cycle of abuse and saw my father so clearly it hurt. It hurt but it was a relief to know that it made sense somehow. 

I thought of all the times he put me down, screamed at me, told me he didn't like my personality, that I was selfish, that I didn't know anything. That I hated him and thought the worst of him. And then I'd start to cry and eventually he would stop and come back and say he was sorry. 

And then it would be calm again for a day, a week, two weeks until it started again. 

And then we got into sexual assault in training: what it was, the definition, why it occurs. For the first time deep in my bones I knew it. My father had sexually abused me. 

I couldn't tell anyone. I felt so sick and ashamed I didn't know how I was going to go on. I didn't know how I would be able to live with this. 

My boyfriend went to a different college and on one of the weekend visits I told him. He got mad for me and started demanding that I cut him out of my life. 
I couldn't stand the pain of it so I buried it all. I somehow swept it under the rug with him and minimized it.

I am now convinced that my father has narcissistic personality disorder with histrionic features. I also think that he might even have some psychosis or complete breaks with reality. 

Thankfully it has been 17 years since I have spoken to him. After my mom found out she started sleeping in the guest room. She stopped eating and I thought she might kill herself. 

She got into therapy and they went to therapy together. They went to talk to their pastor who was completely unable to deal with the situation. 

I felt like I had dropped a bomb on my mom, and ruined her life. I cried almost all day some days. I was having constant flashbacks. It was like the memories of my life were playing like a movie in the back ground of my mind 24/7.

I couldn't get out of bed some days, I would call in sick. And then I would cry in bed. My mom paid for me to start going to counseling with someone who specialized in sexual abuse survivors. 

The only thing that helped me was writing. At work I had notebooks and would run to the table at break and furiously scribble all my memories, letters to my father about how much I hated him, and the same at lunch and in the evening. 

My mom called me one day and said she found a bill for a lawyer. She asked my father and he said that he had a consult with a lawyer to see if he was at risk. He said he hadn't realized it was illegal to touch a child's breasts. It was a misdemeanor under the category of "endangering the welfare of a child."
He knew what the statute of limitations were and said he couldn't believe he could be sued for it.

Then my dad got on the phone and said "your mother had a crush on mr. X when you were younger." 
I was stunned. "what???"
"well you think I'm the only one who he in the wrong here but she had a crush on him."
"what does that have to do with anything? I kind of knew she did and your marriage is none of my business!"
"I just think if you are going to judge me you should judge her too."
"No I really don't, goodbye."

Who wouldn't look at other men while married to this psycho? 

Severe narcissists start out a relationship getting their "narcissistic supply", which I will call "NS". The NS is attention, being given special treatment, having someone react to them emotionally, being given honors and praise, being treated as a superior, treated as someone with power. 

In the beginning my mom was a good little house wife. She was naive and religious and came from a family with addiction running through it. She was looking for a father figure and my father obliged.

He expected total obedience from her. She wasn't to have her own opinion. 
When I was 6, my parents lost my 3 year old brother in a store. After a few minutes of frantic searching we heard an announcement saying that a young boy had been found. 

We ran up to the front of the store. I expected him to embrace my brother and for my mom to cry tears of joy. Instead he picked him up off the ground by the front of his coat and raised him above his head and shook him violently screaming at him to never ever do that again. 

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. As we left the store a woman yelled "you don't treat children that way! I'm going to call the police!"

We got into the car and I was terrified that she would call them and that he would have to go to jail. He said he couldn't believe a stranger could tell
him how to raise his children.

My mom said she agreed and he was being too rough. He said "you are my wife, you agree with me." They argued about it and my mom told him he went too far. 

My mom became more and more unhappy. She had married a few years our of high school and thought having a family would make her happy. 

She pulled her head out of the fifties and started to realize that she had rights. I don't know how, but she got my dad to start helping with housework. She started working out, volunteering and making getting new hobbies.

My father lost his NS. She no longer deferred to him, she spoke her mind. They started to fight a lot. 

I thought they were going to divorce. Instead he agreed to go to counseling and he realized he could get his NS from me. Before then I had just been an annoyance. He played with us a few minutes a day and the rest of the time we were in the way, making too much noise, costing too much money, making his life miserable on purpose. 

I was slapped in the face too many times to count. I had my hair pulled,my arm twisted behind my back, was spanked and kicked and screamed at. 
I saw the same things happen to my brother. 

By the time I was about 9 I was extremely shy, reserved, afraid of adults and most kids, and anxious. I thought of him as a distant guy who was just there to pay the bills and yell at us mostly. 

And then he decided to divide and conquer.

He started having talks with me. He would talk in this low voice like he was telling me a secret. He would tell me that my mom was a *****, that she was so happy when she was with her friends but when we came home she was unhappy and it was because she didn't want to be around us. 

I didn't believe him. But then he said that they both had favorites and my brother was hers, and I was his. I knew this was wrong and creepy. 

He started trying to get me to go with him to run errands. I didn't understand why suddenly I was worth his attention, but I felt like I had to go along. When he talked badly about my mom because she was trying to work on her issues with her parents I would tell him he needed to be ok with it because she would never be happy until she went through it. I was ten. 

He was getting more and more NS from me but it never seemed to be enough.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I can only send you a big hug and tell you that you are a great person and a great example. Thank you for sharing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thank you so much, you are so kind!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Thanks for sharing your story Diwali.
I'm looking forward to the rest.

What I like most about what I've read so far is exactly how you fought this tremendous sexual / emotional /psychological abuse , and overcame.
There is an underlying tone of defiance and determination in your story that I find interesting, you being a child at the time.
You're a strong woman , from birth!
I can't see myself living in a situation like that, for sure there would have been physical violence and death , me being the survivor.

But you are a woman so you were at a physical disadvantage.
You fought back the best way you could and also educated yourself about the situation.
Clearly he was delusional, paranoid and violent.

Are you still involved in the psychology field ?
Can you enlighten us a little more about the combination of his Narcissistic disorder and histrionics? 

BTW , I like your writing style,and your memory seems very clear!
Thanks for sharing.
You're more than a survivor,
You are a conqueror.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thank you so much! No one has ever said that to me like that. 
Will write more later!


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Wow. I always greatly respected you as a poster on TAM, but now there are no words. This can't be easy to write. You are one strong and wonderful person. Thank you for sharing.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> Wow. I always greatly respected you as a poster on TAM, but now there are no words. This can't be easy to write. You are one strong and wonderful person. Thank you for sharing.


:iagree:

What I find fascinating is that she has always impressed me as a very balanced person in her posts.
I always say that people are the sum total of their life's experiences, but reading her experience , its more than just that. It_ has_ to also include what one learns from their experiences.
Now reading her post, you would never guess she passed through this.
There is not an ounce of bitterness in her past posts, even in posting the story, she doesn't come across as bitter, but determined.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thank you all so much. I am just about to cry. I have wanted to be a writer for so long. It amazes me thinking back to the days when I would get books about how to get published and it was such an arduous process. 
And here we are, I can just type my story in my phone and help people without going through a third party. Amazing! 

Here is the definition of Histrionic Personality Disorder from Wikipedia. I don't think he would meet all the criteria but he definitely had a lot of them. 

"Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriately seductive behavior, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. HPD affects four times as many women as men.[1] It has a prevalence of 2–3% in the general population, and 10–15% in inpatient and outpatient mental health institutions.[2]

HPD lies in the dramatic cluster of personality disorders.[3] People with HPD have a high need for attention, make loud and inappropriate appearances, exaggerate their behaviors and emotions, and crave stimulation.[3] They may exhibit sexually provocative behavior, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and can be easily influenced by others. Associated features include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs."

He seemed to be multiple people. One of his personas was the one he showed to family and friends and people at church. He was friendly, smiling. had a great sense of humor, laughed a lot, acted like he was very concerned with other people's problems. He could put people at ease. 

He was overly friendly with some people to the point of making me feel uncomfortable. He would start off with small talk and end of flirting with waitresses or cashiers. He made it seem like it was just fun, it was just joking around. 

Narcs get their NS from being members of organizations too. He found a church that he finally felt gave him his NS. He told me that he felt like he was finally being treated the way he deserved to be. 

He was obsessed with church. He joined as many committees as he could, sang in choir, went to as many groups and classes and lessons as he could. 
We were expected to do the same. I was in various musical groups at church, had to go to church and bible class every weekend and had to go through confirmation. 

If I had an overnight camping trip or slumber party I had to leave early on Sunday morning so I could go to church. I was part of the youth group which I didn't want to join. 

He told me that it made him look bad if I didn't go to these events. 

Our normal Sunday routine went like this: get dressed for church. He would then critique us on what we were wearing. I was never allowed to wear pants or anything that resembled a T shirt. 

My brother wasn't allowed to look too casual either. 

We went to church and went through the service, would meet up at the end after our various musical performances and readings and candle lighting. He would talk to everyone and act like he was the best father in the world. 
He would show me off like a living doll. People would comment on how pretty I looked, how much they liked the music, how fast I was growing. I hated it. 

After church in the car he would usually pick apart our performances, he would tell us how embarrassed he was that we didn't sit still, that one of us looked too casual while playing the triangle or assisting with communion. 

If we had said the wrong thing to one of his friends he would yell at us for that. Sometimes he would leave before us and we would see him after church. I would get yelled at because my shirt looked like a T shirt or my shoes weren't right, or my earrings were too dangling. 

Sometimes by the time we got home my mom was so fed up with him they would end up yelling and throwing things at each other. 

By the time I was 15 or so I didn't want to go anymore. I hated standing in church with this fake man who was a monster at home. I hated what a hypocrit he was. I hated that everyone thought he was such a wonderful person. I hated that I was the source of his NS, just a doll, a pawn for him to show everyone what a great dad he was. 

Everything I did and accomplished at church had nothing to do with him. My music was in spite of him, not because of him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Bitterness? I lived being bitter and angry for a very long time. Have you seen Girl With the Dragon tattoo? 
I had fantasies about sending someone to do similar things to him. 
At one point is was good that he lived far away and I didn't believe in violence because my thoughts were extremely violent. 

I thought about taking him to civil court for years after I told my mom. I had enough evidence because he admitted it to me, my mom, his pastor, various other people in the family. 

I imagined having to see him I'm court, having to describe what he did while people literally judged me. I thought about what the defense might come up with. I just didn't think I could handle it emotionally and I couldn't afford it financially. 

I wanted revenge for a long time. I think I got it. My mom divorced him within a year. My brother threatened him physically and refused to speak to him again. 

He hasn't seen or spoken with any of us in 17 years. I have a child he will never meet. My brother has accomplished great things he will never be able to take the credit for. 

He has missed two of my weddings, the birth of my child, and no one on my mom's side of the family will speak to him. 

He had a good relationship with my grandma. He would joke and laugh with her. He treated her like she was his mom. After all this he called her and wanted to stay in contact. My aunt had to call him and tell him none of them wanted anything to do with him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Diwali123.....so very brave to share you story...



> During my freshman year I got involved with a group on campus that promoted nonviolence including violence against women. I trained to be an educator and give talks about it around campus.


 Despite all you've been through, he wasn't going to keep you down...setting out to educate yourself....becoming a speaker even! That's beautiful .... taking up this cause to help others...a triumphant spirit...you had. 



> By the time I was 15 or so I didn't want to go anymore. I hated standing in church with this fake man who was a monster at home. I hated what a hypocrite he was. I hated that everyone thought he was such a wonderful person. I hated that I was the source of his NS, just a doll, a pawn for him to show everyone what a great dad he was.


 Hard to even have the words for this... Can't imagine how you endured this....putting 's on your faces .....how you kept your mouth shut in that atmosphere.....did you tell ANYONE....hint at your home life behind closed doors .....not even a best friend? 

Or it was all in your writing...that was your escape during this time? Nothing worse than what your Father represented here... Ya know they talk about the "Discerning of spirits" -like it is a GIFT to some within the church... but when something like this goes on...and it's not on a single soul's radar.......it just blows the mind.. DID anyone in your church suspect...something foul?? 

I can't imagine not exploding under this....


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Many of my friends knew about his control and rage. None knew about the sexual abuse or covert incest. 
My friend who went to my church and school would tell me I was a saint for putting up with him. 
Sometimes I felt like a wimp for not exploding and telling people everything. But I was using him like he used me. 

We went to a church that had a lot of well off members who made a lot more money than my parents. This is part of his NS. He got attention from people he thought of as being rich and powerful. 
Part of his NS was trying to fit in with them and make himself look like them. 

If he could fit in with them it meant he was "good enough" for these well off, educated, smart people. He himself was never a good student and never went to college and was lucky to find the job he did before they started requiring a BA. 

I was going to make him pay for my college. He told me since Jr High that if I wanted to go to college I had to get good grades because he wasn't going to pay for it. He told me I could get scholarships to cover everything. 

By the time I was in high school and realized how things worked I knew he would have to find a way to pay for it even if I didn't get scholarships. Still I did my best to get good grades and do well on the standardized tests. 

The problem was I wasn't nurtured from birth to be a good student. I didn't have parents who went to college who could steer me in the right direction. I didn't get into honors classes until teachers recommended it for me. 

So while I did above average I wasn't in the elite group that would be offered full rides with everything paid for. 

My junior year he harped on me about applying for scholarships so I applied for as many as I could. Inside I knew he was being greedy and that he didn't want to have to spend his money on me. 

He told me many times that he knew I could just leave home and never come back. I never corrected him, just said "oh."


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

writing it will give you a better perspective on your life. 
that is what shrinks do= help your understanding of your life and the best (for u) way to deal with it.(your issues.)


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I managed to get scholarships that covered my tuition for four years so they would pay only my living expenses. Still that wasn't good enough for him. He never went to college so he told me he shouldn't have to pay for mine. 
He also didn't get a car in school so he wouldn't buy one for either of us. At times we had three and I could drive one but it was very clear it wasn't my car. 

I worked the summer after high school all day long at a boring minimum wage job. I decided to take a week off between school and starting work and he had a fit about that because that money was going to help pay for my housing in college. 

Still there was nothing he could do to force me to start earlier and my mom sided with me. 
We met with the financial aid advisor at college and she explained that based on our income I wasn't eligible for any need based grants. I could see he was furious. 

He argued that they didn't take his debt into consideration, that I'm the one going to college so why should it be based on his income. She calmly told him that the department of education works on the premise that the burden of secondary education should be placed on the parents' shoulders. 
She suggested he take out a parent loan and I thought he was going to explode. "I'm not going into further debt for her to go to college!"

Still if he had refused my mom would have been very upset and he would have had to face his friends at church. I was going to an inexpensive state school while many of their kids went to elite private colleges. There was no way he could rationalize it to them and I knew it. 

I think he knew how much I hated him. I would no longer be available for him to leer at, scream at, control and get NS from friends because of my success. 

The first week of college he sent me two post cards. Every week he would send me something and I never responded. 
I rarely went home for the weekend. When I did I usually refused to go to church and spent most of my time in my room or with my boyfriend if he was home too. 

He started to call me and tell me that I needed to be a bigger part of the family or he wasn't going to pay for my housing any more. I would ask him what that meant and he would say "you know what I mean." 


I had my report cards sent to my dorm address instead of them.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

During winter break I was miserable. I couldn't stand being there. At some point he figured out that my report card wasn't coming to him and had a fit. 
I told him my grades were none of his business, he wasn't paying my tuition, I was an adult and could manage my own education like I always did. 
He became enraged and I told him I wasn't going to college for him but for me. I eventually showed them my report card, all A's and B's. 

I'm sure he bragged to everyone about it. 

Next semester he wouldn't leave me alone. Finally I had enough and called my mom during the day at her work. It was the only way to talk to her in private. She knew that he had been harassing me about paying for college. 

Somehow I had convinced them to not make me get a job freshman year because so many people said it was too much. He couldn't stand it. 

I told her that I needed a commitment from her. I told her that their money was half hers and that if it came down to it and he decided to stop paying me would she pay for it? She got very weepy and I could tell she was between a rock and a hard place. 

She was drinking the Koolaid and trying to make her marriage work like a good wife should. She still deferred to him in many ways. Finally she told me that ate would get him to stop threatening me. 

I don't know how but she did. She probably knew I would never forgive them and I would find a way to make it on my own and never see them again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

diwali123 said:


> Bitterness? I lived being bitter and angry for a very long time. Have you seen Girl With the Dragon tattoo?
> I had fantasies about sending someone to do similar things to him.
> At one point is was good that he lived far away and I didn't believe in violence because my thoughts were extremely violent.
> 
> I thought about taking him to civil court for years after I told my mom. I had enough evidence because he admitted it to me, my mom, his pastor, various other people in the family.


 This makes all the sense in the world... I've never heard of this movie, I looked it up >>>
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: 

You said for "a very long time"....so you was able to let go of this gripping anger at some point....you would never allow this man a foothold back into your lives, some things have consequences like FIRE... but you found forgiveness "enough" to not let this destroy you/ your future/ your family.... no longer allowing HIM that power ....

So this helped ease the wanting to lash him.....feeling he was getting some retribution owed him, some measure of justice ...finally >>


> I wanted revenge for a long time. I think I got it. My mom divorced him within a year. My brother threatened him physically and refused to speak to him again.
> 
> He hasn't seen or spoken with any of us in 17 years. I have a child he will never meet. My brother has accomplished great things he will never be able to take the credit for.
> 
> ...


Not to bring another's story into this...someone sent me a link to this, I never forgot it...Are you familiar with the story of Brie Lybrand ? there is some speculation of it's validity.... She took it upon herself to express the injustice done to her by her father in a Shocking emotionally gripping video for all to view....her payback...to say "LOOK I survived DAD !"....this article has her story, difficult as it may be to watch... 

‘A Message to My Rapist’: YouTube Beauty Sensation Posts Shock Warning to Dad — Is It Real? | Video |


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm not going to post what happens in TGWTDT. It's too graphic. 
I'm not going to do anything like that because first of all he could sue me. Second of all, his new wife knows as does his whole side of the family. I don't like putting myself out there that much. I think the less he sees of me the more he suffers. I refuse to provide any more NS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

As to whether anyone knew: after my mom started telling people, numerous people said that they always knew something was off but didn't know what it was. 
I am not going to tell my brother's story because it's not mine to tell. But after I left for college the violence between my father and him got much worse. 
He had many problems obviously. 
A man who went to our church was a prominent psychologist. He had written a few books, gave presentations at church on family issues and my parents were friendly with him and his wife. They sent my brother to see him. 
First of all, this is considered a dual relationship and is sketchy ethically. You do not see friends, family members or anyone you know personally as a therapist. 
He should have given a referral. 
From what I've been told my brother went in and described the abusive side of my father. The psychologist told him he was lying and that everything was his fault. My brother hasn't set foot in a therapist office since. 

Ten years later my mom ended up rejoining that church. She saw the psych and they talked, she said she was divorced and remarried. He asked what happened and she said "he molested my daughter repeatedly." 
She said he looked like he had seen a ghost. I have gone to a few functions at the church and thankfully never ran into him. There were times I considers reporting him but I never did. I don't know what I would say if anything. 

If a psychologist couldn't see through his mask of shît who could? 

I don't think that he was pretending to be that person. I think he was so broken and delusional that he was that person in those moments. He was close to having multiple personalities. 

We started family counseling in my senior year of high school. During the session I talked about his anger, how he would scream and out me down then tell me I needed to work on our relationship. I don't really remember much except that it was very tense and he was personality number three who I will call "lack of affect", which is a trait seen in schizophrenics. He would have zero facial expression, sat rigidly, and talked in a completely monotone voice. It was his "oh **** I'm in trouble and I hate all of you" solution. 
It was just as scary to me as the times he was raging. 

The next day I was at school in a class and got an announcement from the office that my father was on the phone. What the hell? We had a phone around the corner so I took the call. I expected to hear someone had died. He started in a low menacing voice going on about how I made him look horrible and how dare I say those things, and I was shaking my butt all around the room acting like I was better than everyone else, and just going on and on saying nonsensical things. 
I don't even know what his point was or what I said. I was stunned. Luckily my boyfriend was in class with me. I got off the phone in tears and disbelief that he would call me during school to intimidate me and belittle me. Who does that? 

I couldn't stop crying. My boyfriend told the teacher we were going to the cafeteria and told him briefly what an a$$ my father was. Our teacher was in shock. He said he had no idea. 
We went to the cafeteria where I tried to collect myself. I tried to make sense of what he had said. My boyfriend as usual talked me down and kept saying he is crazy, don't let him bother you. I felt violated again. 

Family counseling was a joke. I have no idea why we went. It changed nothing. 

About my boyfriend: although he was supportive I should mention that he was also very broken and had a bad past of his own. Again his story is not mine to tell. I know I pitched someone who was just as messed up as I was. We fought, he would put me on a pedestal and then turn around and say bad things or say he didn't want to be together anymore. We were too enmeshed and I was too dependent on him. It wasn't healthy. Codependent is an understatement. 

As to whether we are the sum of our life experiences, I would say absolutely not. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. 
It's true that there are people who had such horrible experiences with neglect a d abuse at a very young age that their brains and minds didn't form
properly. They might never undo what was done. 

I remember in high school seeing a class mate with a book called "man's search for meaning". I was intrigued by the title because I had lost my religion and felt like nothing meant anything. I had been taught if you were good God helped you and that was most definitely not true. 

I got a copy and started reading. And it lifted me up. Here was this man who had been in a concentration camp who chose to believe in the good, who chose to make meaning in his life. It was my first introduction to existentialism and a door way to discovering Eastern philosophy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

diwali123 said:


> I'm not going to post what happens in TGWTDT. It's too graphic.
> I'm not going to do anything like that because first of all he could sue me. Second of all, his new wife knows as does his whole side of the family. I don't like putting myself out there that much. *I think the less he sees of me the more he suffers.* I refuse to provide any more NS.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For sure... I wouldn't think many would have the guts to go those lengths on You Tube!! 

I keep seeing the abbreviation of *NS *(thinking this has something to do with narcissism but - I'm probably way off ??)



> *diwali123 said: *I remember in high school seeing a class mate with a book called
> *"man's search for meaning".* I was intrigued by the title because I had lost my religion and felt like nothing meant anything. I had been taught if you were good God helped you and that was most definitely not true.
> 
> *I got a copy and started reading. And it lifted me up. Here was this man who had been in a concentration camp who chose to believe in the good, who chose to make meaning in his life*. It was my first introduction to existentialism and a door way to discovering Eastern philosophy.


I just looked that book up..... WOW...956 [/URL][/URL][/URL][/URL] reviews....also was hailed as one of the ten most influential books in America, when asked to name a book that "Made a difference in changing your life". 

Man's Search for Meaning: Viktor E. Frankl: 



> Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl's memoir has riveted generations of readers with its descriptions of life in Nazi death camps and its lessons for spiritual survival. Between 1942 and 1945 Frankl labored in four different camps, including Auschwitz, while his parents, brother, and pregnant wife perished.
> 
> Based on his own experience and the experiences of those he treated in his practice, Frankl argues that we cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose. Frankl's theory—known as logotherapy, from the Greek word logos ("meaning")—holds that our primary drive in life is not pleasure, as Freud maintained, but the discovery and pursuit of what we personally find meaningful.


:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

And it also corresponds to the basic tenants of Buddhism of which I am a fan. 

NS stands for "narcissistic supply", and is what fuels a narc. It is attention, applause, validation, emotional reaction, praise, etc. I mentioned it in an earlier post. 

I need to get this into one document and edit out all the typos! 

I have the guts to post a YouTube video but see no reason for it. I'm not afraid of him. He is an old man now, he is afraid of the law and if he knows what I am like he should be afraid of me. 

There is no reason to post anything on YouTube. Most likely he is retired do it's not going to affect his career. Even if he's not my mom has rights to some of his retirement and I don't want to screw her out of any of it by getting him fired or laid off early. 

So after the confrontation he started to go to individual counseling. He quit after a few months and said that his counselor released him and said there was nothing to work on. Most likely what happened is he just quit or the therapist told him that he doesn't treat sex offenders and gave him a referral to someone who did. 

I asked him to not contact me while I worked some things out. He couldn't even honor that boundary. He still sent me letters which my future husband would read and throw away. I didn't want to read anything from him. 
He sent me a huge bouquet of flowers, 

I wanted to throw them away. Instead I gave them to a neighbor. 

He wrote me a crazy letter going on and on about how his parents didn't love him so he wanted to make me feel like he loved me: complete projection. His parents didn't love him enough so he wanted me to provide NS to make him feel better. 

At one point I was screaming at him on the phone asking how he could do what he did and he said "it wasn't like I was a dirty old man." 

I have no idea what that meant. He's just a middle aged dirty man? When my breasts started developing at age 12 he saw me in a swimsuit and said "you've developed a lot this summer." I wanted to die. 

Shortly thereafter he started grooming me. He would tell semi dirty jokes when we were alone which grossed me out. He would ask me weird questions about how I felt about men and women, alluding to sexual issues. 
If I was taking a bath or a shower he suddenly had a reason for needing to get something out of the bathroom when I was in it. I started locking the door. 

He threw a fit and said this was his house and I had no right. (Your body belongs to me and if I want to try to sneak a peek I will.) He said something might happen and what if I fell down in the shower? What am I, 90? 

My mom pointed out that you just had to stick a wire into the latch to pop the lock and he had no leg to stand on. 

When I was around nine I saw a few friends who had signs in their doors that said "my room, keep out, no boys allowed, knock first" that kind of thing. 
I made one for myself and like clockwork he was in my room screaming at me that my room belonged to him and he didn't have to knock, he would be in there when he wanted to and he ripped the sign down.

I started asking to have a lock on my door because he would walk in whenever he wanted. If I was getting dressed he usually would just keep talking and act like it was no big deal or he would tell me not to be ashamed of my body. 

I started getting dressed in the bathroom. 

Ironically he started a campaign as "the keeper of the hymen" to borrow a phrase from one of my therapists. I had started showing an interest in going to the mall alone with friends and having more freedom. 

He would explain to me that I was so beautiful that no one could resist me, that I would definitely be assaulted or kidnapped. Again I thought I would vomit. 

When I started to show an interest in dating he would make me go on drives alone with him and he would tell me that males can't control their urges and that they think about sex every three seconds. He would go on at length about how beautiful I was and how boys would just want one thing from me. 
Again, vomit. 

So he was molesting me while telling me how evil the rest of males were. 

That group I joined in college about nonviolence triggered me so much I had to drop out. I was shy and I couldn't stand up in front of people talking about sexual assault without losing it. 

Then I felt like a failure for quitting.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm trying to go back and answer the questions that were asked. Caribbean man: 
No Im not in the field. I worked some low level social support jobs and worked in a mental hospital but quickly found there were triggers every where and I couldn't handle the stress. 

After marrying my first husband I wanted to go back and get my master's in counseling but I was really unsure about it. I felt really insecure and scared. I took the GRE and did extremely well in verbal. 

My exH started sabotaging me passive aggressively, and I eventually decided not to get my master's. I think I had too much unhealed baggage anyway. I couldn't see myself counseling people when I felt like I still had so much work to do. 

Now I make the same amount in a completely unrelated field that I would make with a masters in counseling. I don't think I'm meant to sit and listen to people's problems all day; it's just too much for me.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Don't know if anyone is still interested but I am trying to remember all the things I have done to heal. 

Obviously the huge one was talk therapy. My therapist in high school told me that it would take five years to get over my depression. I was devastated. 
The reality is its a life long journey of healing when you have been abused the way I was. 

I have been in some kind of counseling more often than not since high school. For the last two years of my counseling with the sex abuse specialist I was going once a month and that helped me a lot. 

The problem is when I feel like I'm doing ok, usually something happens that throws me for a loop: like when my first husband started acting like a crazy person. 

Other things that I have exlplored tat have helped immensely are yoga, Reiki, meditation, creative visualization, Tai Chi, hypnotherapy. Tony Robbins' techniques for reducing the impact of bad memories. 

Yesterday when I was thinking about the day I told my dad no I had this mental image of a Mickey mouse hat come up. What the hell is that? Then I remembered I had done Tony's techniques, and one of them involves turning the scene into a cartoon. I chose Mickey Mouse. 

I have done a ton of inner child work, parts work, and currently I'm exploring soul retreival. 

The idea is from shamanism. It's that when you are traumatized a part of your mind/soul/self leaves. 

Whether you see it from the spiritual side or from the psychological side, it makes sense. 

Also I've discovered there are drugs like ibogaine that create two day long hallucinogenic experiences which have a great ability to heal addiction and trauma.
It's not legal in the US of course. I've contacted several people in treatment centers who told me I need to be off my anti depressants for three days before it. I can't do that, the withdrawal is too severe.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm also investigating dialectical behavior therapy. My drug of choice has been food. I'm a perfect storm of obesity from genes, trauma, sexual abuse, food insecurity when I was on food stamps, anti depressants, yo yo dieting, body image issues, and inability to deal with crises. 
I think DBT might be able to help me. I need to get over this!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just WOW. thanks for posting. makes my problem bearable to think that someone could make it through the nightmare that you actually lived.

sorry that you had to live it. the world is an ugly place sometimes.


when ever I get down about the crap I'm stressing about I will use your story to pull my head out of my a$$ and pull up my boot straps and keep on truckin!!!!! 

thank you again for you bravery and posting .


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

There is always someone worse off from you.
Actually that is part of dialectical behavior therapy: comparing yourself to people who have it worse.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

diwali123 said:


> There is always someone worse off from you.
> *Actually that is part of* *dialectical behavior therapy*: *comparing yourself to people who have it worse*.


I think we all do this...and it's sad to say...sitting there viewing a commercial on starving children in Africa ...or a St Judes advertisement asking for donations for children with cancer....that sometimes it takes THIS to make us realize our blessings, no matter what we are going through....we have so much to be thankful for...having our health & food on the table....yet it's so devastatingly sad at the same time... a mixture of emotions, then feeling guilty somehow that we feel better that it's ...NOT us.... 

I looked that up....



> *Characteristics of DBT*.... An Overview of Dialectical Behavior Therapy
> 
> *Support-oriented*: It helps a person identify their strengths and builds on them so that the person can feel better about him/herself and their life.
> 
> ...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

For me watching things about kids is more depressing. What helps me is seeing people who had it worse than me who are healthy and thriving. 
There are so many sexual abuse survivors who were violated in much worse ways than I was. 
But the combination of the mental abuse, the public displays of "look what a good dad I am" and the physical abuse combined drove me into severe depression. 

I have read that DBT is having good results with people who are borderline. 

Crisis is my biggest issue still. I just get into a mode of feeling overwhelmed and nuts. Everything I've learned seems to go out the window and I turn to self destructive habits to cope. 

I always stop caring for myself. That's. the first thing to go.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I just remembered so many times my father would tell me "I'm going to be your dad for the rest of your life." Almost like he was threatening me. 

Guess what as$hole???? 

My mom is remarried to a nice guy. It's not like when you're an adult you can just treat someone like they're your dad. But he treats my mom really well and his kids are great. 

Also I did some snooping online and I have good reason to believe that my father is divorced from his second wife.
I found her online and she has posted that she got married five years ago, but my father and her got married 14 years ago. 
I know it's her because she is still friends with some of my cousins. But not with him. I've seen his page. 

I saw his picture, he looks old and empty and sad. I didn't feel a thing, which is strange. 

I do wonder who his life insurance would go to if he hadn't found wife number three. I wouldn't put it past him to leave a good chunk of it to me with some sad letter sent by a family member. 

I would probably give it to charity or give a third to my brother and a third to my mom. I'm not going to let you get any satisfaction out of me even after you are dead. 

If I had one charity to give it to it would be to Erin's Law. This young lady was assaulted multiple times as a child and wrote two books about her healing. Now she travels the US trying to get stated to make education about sexual abuse mandatory in schools. 

I've messaged with her, she's just such an inspiration. I've never heard of someone who is so strong. She even forgave both of her assailants. I can't imagine that. 

Because of her who knows how many kids will avoid being molested just by screaming "no!", running away and telling someone.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

diwali123 said:


> *If I had one charity to give it to it would be to Erin's Law*. This young lady was assaulted multiple times as a child and wrote two books about her healing. Now she travels the US trying to get stated to make education about sexual abuse mandatory in schools.
> 
> *I've messaged with her, she's just such an inspiration. I've never heard of someone who is so strong. She even forgave both of her assailants*. I can't imagine that.
> 
> Because of her who knows how many kids will avoid being molested just by screaming "no!", running away and telling someone.


Must be this woman -  Erin Merryn: Books


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Are there any kids he could be hurting now? Unsuspecting step grandkids, etc?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Your link for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo didn't work.

But if anyone is interested in the description (yeah, same warning)

You can read here: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) - Parents Guide


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Parents guide? Children shouldn't be reading that book or watching either movie. 

When my parents were trying to decide whether they wanted to stay together, my mom asked him if there were other kids he had molested and he went nuts. He was infuriated, and he was about to smack her across the face when she told him she would call the police. 

He insisted that he isn't a child molester and how dare she suggest it. 

When I got the invitation to his wedding I wrote back to his fiancée and told her in graphic detail about the physical, emotional and sexual abuse. 
She wrote back and she said that she knew about it, that he was sorry and god forgave him and he's a good man. 

I felt sick. I found out later that she had two elementary school aged children. I started emailing the school counselor's at every public school in the area. 
I told them that he is a sex offender and physically abusive and if they have him on record as a guardian to please put my email in the file. That way if something abnormal comes up they can investigate. 
I got a few responses saying that he wasn't listed as a guardian, 
I'm thinking that they sent them to private school or they didn't have him listed on purpose. 
It's sad that there is nothing I can do at this point. Even if I want to, the statute of limitations has run out....


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think that guide is from the Swedish version, it seems a bit more explicit than the English version.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Through social media I found my dad's (ex) step kids. They look like happy healthy young adults, both have babies. 
What is odd is that neither one is friends with their mom. 
Neither one has pics of their mom, even at graduations. But the guy mentioned in a big long post about his influences and his parental figures how great my father is as a step dad. 
But no mention of his mom? 
So confused.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

d123, I've just caught up with your story. You are a very strong person and you have a great soul. 

Please keep posting your story.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What more do you want to know?  
I started thinking today about self publishing a book about this online and then had a complete lack of confidence. Its such a huge leap from people reading something for free on a message board to trying to get them to pay for it, even at a modest sum. 
Thanks for your very kind words!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I read from start to finish in one sitting. Diwali I have to join the voices of everyone who commented about your writing style. It is superb. 

The way you started was unique and the way you zoomed in and out from past to present was artistic.

I know it's your story and not for entertainment but making it such compleling reading gets your story read. If it is read, then you get the validation you need. 

One is that you are a natural writer. Have you thought about writing for publication? Might be therapeutic. It would certainly give a great deal of pleasure to people.

What you said about not taking care of yourself when you are troubled. Made me think that you abandon yourself in times of turmoil. 

Similar to what happened when you were a child - when iu needed a caring competant authority figure the most, they were not there. 

You are missing a parent, that the part of your soul that is hiding from you. I believe that you do lose part of yourself when abused in childhood. I don't think it flys away, I think it splits off and hides. 

Somewhere in you there is a protector, a part of yourself that will give you unconditional love and will be with you always. 

You have to let that part of you out. Let it know it is safe, the monsters were banished by you. Damn, you survived. Get all your soul parts united and celebrate.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Catherine thanks so much! 
Everyone here is just so supportive. 
I agree about the soul parts, definitely. 
My therapist right now is quite into alternative therapies and has done soul retrievals. 
It's something I'm going to pursue with her. 
Sometimes it feels like I only have a certain amount of energy and I've spent so much of it dealing with him at such a young age, that I don't have much left. Like you can only cope with so much and then there's no more coping left. 
That's just how it feels, I know that is irrational. 

I feel better seeing my fathers step kids. I used to have nightmares that they would show up at my door some day and tell me that he abused them
and ask me to testify for them. Or ask me why I didn't try harder to help them. 

Truth be told if we had been living in the Facebook age when they got married I most likely would have found their biological father and told him all about it, along with her family members. 

THE LAST STRAW

When I was 26 and tired of the lies and just wanted him out of my life, my brother moved in with his girlfriend. My dad apparently had some choice words to say about that.
My brother told me that he said something like "well so it's ok to molest a 12 year old girl?" 

I felt like I had ice running through my veins. I was 12 when he started molesting me. And here he is not only judging him for living with his girlfriend but using his molestation of me as a comparison somehow? 

The fact that he still remembered and yet somehow also felt like he had a right to morally judge anyone astounded me. Even to this day I am confused and shocked by that. It just seems so psychotic, so many neurons in his brain twisted on each other, contorting and trying to form some sense of reality that encompasses him being a child molester but also being morally superior to other people. 

When I was 20, I moved in with my first boyfriend. I had assumed that my parents would realize that a 20 year old college student with a long term boyfriend who doesn't want to go to church anymore might possibly be having sex.
When I told them what I was going to do over the phone, they asked me what would happen if I got pregnant. I said "what if I get pregnant now?" 

All hell broke loose. As usual they were talking on two different phones in two rooms. "You're having sexual intercourse?" 

It was as if I had told them I had joined a Satanic cult and killed people. There was moaning, wailing, and I think I heard gnashing of teeth. I could hear my mom walking around the house crying. 

I just kept telling them it was my life and that this had no effect or bearing on them and frankly it was none of their business. 

My dad said "How would you feel if you found out that I had cheated on your mom with another woman?" 
So you molested me, then have the nerve to judge me, then compare having an affair with this? I told him that was between my mom and him and had nothing to do with me. 

My whole life he judged everything I did. I remember after a school concert, I was happy because I felt like we did a great job. 
On the way home in the car he said, "I don't know why my daughter can't be first chair. You are all the way at the end, why can't you do a better job?" 
It wasn't enough that I was playing an instrument and trying, I had to be the best or it wasn't enough. 

After that I didn't want him coming to my events.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your energy is boundless but you are using it in the here and now. Once you get your childhood settled in your mind, the energy that you are siphoning away will come back to its rightful place. 

It is just a matter of getting to a point that you make a decision to maybe create a special place in your mind to store all of the crazy indecipherable things that happened in your childhood. 

File it, lock it. Pull it out every now and again but you know that there is a special place for it all that is out of your immediate consciousness.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I admire your mother. She grew a great deal and it sounds like she supported you as well as she was able. 

You two have something in common, besides the obvious, you are both survivors in your own ways.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes she truly did. 
It was kind of like a light switch got flipped that day. Everything she had ever felt uncomfortable about him suddenly made sense. 
She went through months of agony, lost twenty pounds, was in IC and trying to decide what to do. 

Much like we ask a cheater to show complete and utter remorse and to do anything and everything to rebuild their marriage, that's what my mom wanted from him. And he refused. He never showed true remorse, he seemed relieved that the secret was out. He said that he wasn't going to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness. 
She was very religious at the time and her therapist told her that he had already broken their marriage vows. 
She was trying hard to figure out a way to forgive him but eventually she realized that she couldn't forgive him enough to
stay married to him. 

His conduct during that time was deplorable and my brother and I were to the point where neither one of us wanted him in our lives at all. My brother gave her an ultimatum: she had to choose our father or him. She chose us. But she really chose herself at the same time. She had never lived alone before. I was scared she wouldn't be able to make it on her own, which seems ridiculous now. 

She was in counseling for a long time and did a lot of work. She apologized to me multiple times for not seeing it, for not knowing.
I forgave her. I felt like she was a victim too in a lot of ways. 
Anyone who lives in a family where someone is being sexually abused is a victim because they are a part of the lie. They are being lied to every day, and there are things going on that they can sense but can't see. 

Secondary wounding is a term used to describe the negative reactions of other people to your trauma when they find out. 
I had a lot of secondary wounding. 

Before they decided to divorce my father told his family what he had done. His mother's response was beyond bizarre. She told me I should forgive because that's what Jesus would do. And she knew what goes on because she watches talk shows. 
My dad's only sister also tried to get me to forgive for the same reasons. She also asked why I never told her. 

We weren't close. Why would I tell her? If she acts like its no big deal
now why would she have cared back then? My mom talked to her and said that the abuse was still ongoing, that even the last time I was there he was making inappropriate jokes and asking if I needed help in the shower. She said "that's how my brothers are." oh good, they are all inappropriate idiots so that makes it ok. 

My mom told me that my grandfather (her ex father in law) had made her feel uncomfortable when she was first dating my father. He used to joke around and ask if she wanted to go take a nap
with him. I felt like some of the things I saw between him and my aunt were inappropriate too. She was a teen when I was little and he was still wanting her to sit on his lap and play wrestling with her. It was creepy. 

I am pretty sure that there was more to that and that somehow everyone in their family knew about it. Usually the people who speak up the loudest telling you to forgive incest and sex abuse are the ones who are victims who swept it all under the rug. And now they want you to sweep it under the rug just like they did. They don't want you to knock over their delusional house of cards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

And Catherine I have wanted to be a writer since I was a child. It's a long story. 
I just checked into self publishing online and got a major case of the "holy shït"s. 
It's just so easy. So easy to put it out there. My god. 
It's scary to reveal myself that way even though I will most likely stay anonymous. 
It makes me nervous to have people reading my writing in a real book. Because if it's in a real book then it has to be well done.
Then I was thinking I would want to make it accessible. I started thinking I had to make it sound more sophisticated but the people I would help might just want the plain story as it is,


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

When I got married in 2000, I believed I had successfully escaped the generational cycle of abuse, addiction, and dysfunction. 
My husband was liberal, progressive, supportive of gay rights, prochoice, anti gun, anti violence. 
He had been there for me when I was falling apart. He read the letters from my dad when I couldn't bear it, he took care of bills and bill collectors, he understood what I was going through. 

I can't exactly pinpoint when the shift occurred but it seemed to be shortly after the honeymoon. The honeymoon itself was nice but I felt like he was holding back somehow. 

He had always had a rough time with communication but we both were willing to work on it. He tended to go quiet and when I would ask what was going on I wouldn't get much of a response. 

I liked his intelligence, interest in the arts, politics, and music. We seemed to have similar values, similar goals. 

Before I agreed to get married I asked him if he would agree to two things. First we would move to a larger city within a few years so I could find a better job. Second I wanted to know that if I wanted to go to marriage counseling, that he would go even if he didn't feel it was needed. 

He agreed to both. 

After the wedding he started to get more and more angry, more depressed, more withdrawn. He seemed to be less capable of honest communication. 

He would get angry over the smallest of issues. But instead of blowing up like my father did, he would passive aggressively hold it inside then find a way to punish me or let me know how mad he was. 

His moods became intolerable. I asked him to please go to counseling with me. He told me that he couldn't because he knew that his problems were because of the stand off he was having with his mother. 

He told me that a counseling would force him to confront his parents about the past and he wasn't ready to do that. 
I told him he was choosing them over me. He insisted that it wasn't true, he just couldn't do it. 

By the second year I was making good money and after talking to him over and over about how unhappy I was, how his passive aggression was killing us, his moods and anger were intolerable, I started to look for my own apartment. 

I just needed to be in my own space, away from his anger. He heard a voice mail from a landlord asking me to set up
a time to look at a property and he broke down. 

He was shocked. He agreed to go to counseling. We went during our lunch breaks. When I met him there I was still on the fence about whether I wanted to separate or not. 

We had a session with an older man who asked us about our issues, asked us why we fell in love and what the basics of our relationship was. I started crying when I remembered how things used to be. 

We set up another appointment and I walked out. I told him I would see him
after work. I felt so cold toward him. He said "what that's it?"

"What do you want?" do you want me to do a happy dance because you went to one counseling session? 

"I just can't believe this." 

I just stood there with my car keys, not knowing what to say. "Well don't you think we can just work this out? We don't need this." suddenly his demeanor softened, he seemed like he was about to cry. 
"I heard you saying all that about me to a stranger and it just made me realize I can change."
We talked for a few more minutes and he seemed suddenly to be in love with me again the way he used to be. 
I told him I would give it a try. I told him I would stay and if he stopped his constant moods and anger we might be ok. 

Things were good for a while. He was more loving, stopped the passive aggressive tactics and seemed more present. 

I started to ask where we were going to move to. We decided on two big cities where we had friends and some family. 
He told me he couldn't live near his family or they would drive him crazy so we focused on the other city. 

I started looking for jobs for both of us, trying to find the best neighborhood to move to. Every day I would tell him some new interesting thing I found out about it. 

He refused to apply for any jobs, saying he wasn't qualified. I started to get a sinking feeling. He told me that the cost of living would be too high. I told him that he would make more there and that would make up for it. 

He told me in a big city we would need two cars. I told him that we would both make more money so it would even out. 
He didn't know how he was going to do an interview long distance. He didn't know how we could afford the move. He had a new excuse every day. 

And then I realized, he is going to live in this little town for the rest of his life.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> For me watching things about kids is more depressing. What helps me is seeing people who had it worse than me who are healthy and thriving.
> There are so many sexual abuse survivors who were violated in much worse ways than I was.
> But the combination of the mental abuse, the public displays of "look what a good dad I am" and the physical abuse combined drove me into severe depression.
> 
> ...


Me too. I vow to not let it happen again. Funny thing is... everytime I slide backwards, I go back to counselling and come out way stronger than before. reboot, of some kind.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Three years after our wedding I was fired from a job for not being happy enough. I had a hard time finding a decent job in that town. 
The work culture was very backwards. If you weren't from there they looked at you with suspicion. 
I felt like I was over educated for the boring office jobs I had to take to pay the bills. I longed to use my brain, my talents, to do something meaningful.

I decided since we were never going to move I would break the cycle and start my own business at home. We had just paid off our car and I was on unemployment. I ran the numbers and we could make it for at least a year and a half. 

We went out to dinner one night and I told him my idea and asked how he felt about it. I asked if he would support me and he said yes. We talked about some of the steps I needed to take, how I could market myself, and went over our finances. 

He helped me get my website together. I earned a certification in the field. I spent ten hours a day bidding on jobs, marketing, learning, and networking online.

He quit smoking. He did nicotine patches and I was so happy to have that smell out of my house and off of him. 
One day he came home at lunch and looked completely defeated, depressed, and like he was in crisis mode. I asked him what was wrong and he said I was ruining his life. 

I asked him what he was talking about and he said we didn't have any shared goals. He looked like a different person. 
My "mental illness" radar was going off. 

Everyday he did this, he was moping, and at times he would start crying. He told me that he didn't want me to do the business and he wanted me to get a job. He said that he had never agreed to this. 

I was stunned. I asked him if he remembered the long conversation in the restaurant and he said no. He told me I was making it up. 

I told him he needed to get help, something was wrong with him. He wasn't himself, none of this was normal. He was starting to pick fights and one day I started packing up my stuff with. no idea where I was going. 

I tried to keep going with the business but it was so difficult having a depressed delusional person in the house who refused to get help. I didn't know what I was going to do. 

His grandmother died.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Double post sorry


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Trenton thanks so much! 
Dee: I think I'll be in some form of therapy on and off my whole life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

On the long car trip he was getting more and more irritable. At that point I wasn't sure what I was going to do and I was at my wit's end with him. 
He had a habit of pouting, sulking, giving me the silent treatment, huffing, sighing, and eye rolling. 

Once he got into one of those moods it was all downhill from there. Neither one of us liked his grandmother. She was rude, intrusive, and not a loving person. 
I didn't even want to go to the funeral but I felt like I had to support him so I went. 

I was driving and couldn't remember which exit to take. He had been trying to sleep and he went into angry mode when I asked him. I couldn't stand another four hours of it stuck in the car with him. 

I pulled off the highway, pulled into a fast food restaurant parking lot and walked down to the bus station at the end of it without saying a word to him. 
I looked up and he was gone. 
I waited for a half an hour and thought about just turning around and driving home. 

Finally he came back and said "do you really think all of this is my fault?" 
YES!!! 
I told him for the hundredth time that he needed to see a doctor because he wasn't himself and this isn't normal.
He said maybe he would. 

On that trip I got him to agree to take St, John's Wort. It helped somewhat but he still blamed me for ruining his life. 

He got a severe sinus infection and finally went to the doctor. When he came back he told me he had a large goiter. What the hell is a goiter? That's what old people get. 

His thyroid was extremely enlarged do they ran some tests. In the meantime I started researching and found out that his bizarre behavior could have been the result of a thyroid imbalance. 

When we got the results back we were shocked. His thyroid levels were so low they were immeasurable. His doctor told him he was lucky he wasn't dead, in a coma, or in a mental institution. 
He put him on anti depressants and thyroid medication and explained that he had to go back and get tested regularly and have his thyroid medication adjusted. 

His body was attacking his thyroid. The dr guessed that while he was smoking the nicotine activated his thyroid but after he quit his thyroid levels just took a nose dive.

I have read that it's possible for a severely low thyroid hormone level to cause brain damage. I'm pretty sure it did for him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Within weeks he was like his old self but better. Our relationship was better than ever. 
I had a client that I was doing work for that was possibly going to lead to more clients. 
I attributed his past behavior to a slowly declining thyroid and learned everything I could about his disease and how to manage it. 

For years I had wanted to get a Reiki attune meant but I felt that if this was real, it shouldn't cost thousands of dollars. I knew when eventually if it was meant to be it would happen. 
A friend and I started talking and it turned out his wife was a Reiki master. She agreed to do the attunement for me for free. 

For a few weeks I felt incredibly light and full of energy. I was very relaxed and peaceful. I found out the Tibetan Monks were in town and went to see their closing ceremony. 

This was my second time being in their presence. I just liked being in the same room with them. They seemed so peaceful, content and gentle. 

The ceremony consisted of their unusual singing method, crashing of cymbals and playing of loud horns. 
A woman next to me had a year old baby in a carrier on her back. The baby was completely at ease with the loud noises. 

A thought came to me out of nowhere. "I want to have a baby. I should have a baby."
Their music and energy had me in close to a meditative state. 

We had talked about a baby for years but it seemed like it was never the right time and then with his medical issues it took a back seat. 

Things were going so well I asked him if he wanted to try. We talked about what we would be like as parents. He talked about how much he wanted a family. I told him my concerns with my past and my depression. What if I had a breakdown or my meds stopped working? 

"That's why kids have two parents. I'll be there too." he reassured me. 

One evening we were out with friends at a bar and on the way home I said "You know if we have a baby, we can't just go out and have a drink at the drop of a hat."
"I'd love it. I would rather be home with you and the baby anyway."

I had no idea where I was in my irregular cycle but on May day we tried to conceive for the first time. That night I woke up feeling like someone was stabbing me in the breast from the inside. 

The day I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic. We had conceived on the first try. He was so excited. We started looking for a house to buy. 

I had every pregnancy problem there is that doesn't put you on bed rest including all day morning sickness with projectile vomiting, a constant runny nose, severe hip pain, headaches, heart burn, constant peeing, weird smells, super human sense of smell, fatigue, insomnia, and gestational diabetes. 

I quit my business because I was too sick to do anything productive.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It seemed like all our old fights were behind us. Even though I was sick as a dog I felt so hopeful for the future. 
We bought our house and I imagined our child growing up there. 

Two weeks before the due date he told me we needed to talk. He seemed very serious. He calmly told me that he had been thinking and he didn't think he should have to help with the baby since he was working and I wasn't. 

I can't even remember the whole conversation because I was so pregnant and so shocked. This made no sense, this wasn't what we agreed to. How could he just not help at all? 

I chose not to believe it because I couldn't handle it. I was going to do a natural birth and all of my energy was focused on getting ready for the baby and preparing for the birth. 

I did a water birth and they asked him to cut the cord. He said no. What kind of a man does that? It was a hugely symbolic moment as I cut the cord myself while holding my beautiful daughter. 

I learned how to nurse while he slept on the floor. 

He was helpful for about three weeks. I was so sleep deprived I was close to hallucinating.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

My daughter has been a lot to handle from the moment I felt her first kick. 
She cried every night for almost two to three hours straight starting around five, stopping only to nurse. 

If there is a solution to stop a baby from crying we tried it. It was like having a fire alarm going off right next to you for hours at a time. 

He started not coming home after work. I was getting three to four hours of sleep in a row, breast feeding, recovering from birth, didn't have a car and dealing with a fussy baby. 

I would call around to all his friends and he would eventually come home. I tried telling him how tired I was. He didn't want to hear it. 
"you nap during the day." 
I tried explaining that people need at least five hours of sleep in a row in order to function properly and he acted like he didn't hear me. 

One day I was so tired I thought I was going to pass out. He didn't come home. 
I tried making dinner and then she needed to be fed. I turned dinner off and fed her. 
Ten minutes later she wanted to eat again. During growth spurts some babies do cluster feeding, where they eat two or three times in an hour every twenty minutes. I thought I was going to lose it. 

I was hungry, tired, mad. I couldn't get her to stay in a sling, she would just cry more. 

Finally about 6:30 he came home. I didn't say a word because I was so furious. He was in a great mood. He started getting ready to make dinner. 
He asked me what was wrong. 
"Where were you?"
"At x's house."
I didn't say anything. I could feel myself starting to explode. 
"why didn't you call around and find me?" he asked 

I put her in her swing in the next room. 
"I shouldn't have to call! You should be here! We have a newborn! I get four hours of a sleep in a row if I'm lucky. I can't make dinner and feed her at the same time. THIS IS HOW THEY TORTURE PEOPLE IN IRAQ! DID YOU KNOW THAT? THIS IS TORTURE!"

He gave me a look like "you have lost your mind." and didn't say anything. Yes I had lost my mind. 

Anytime I asked him to do anything, be it get a diaper, change a diaper, hold her, put her socks on, I was met with eye rolling, huffing, sighing. It was as is if he didn't think this child was his. Like he was a petulant teenager being asked to care for a sibling. 

There were a few occasions when he changed a poopy diaper and literally fell on the floor acting like it was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen, leaving her alone on the changing table. 

In the following months I started wanting to just get out of the house by myself. I wanted to do this maybe once a week, just to go to the store. 

People kept telling me it would get better when she stopped crying so much, that some men just don't like babies. There were never any moments when he just held her contently or played with her hands, kissed her face or smelled her hair. He never looked at her in awe and love.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He told me that he would connect with her later in her life, that he didn't connect to her because she wasn't in his body for nine months. I told him adoptive parents do it all the time. 

Usually when I went to the store he would act like I was asking him to sacrifice a small goat while I was gone. I was met with the usual pouting and moodiness. When I returned he would be sitting on the couch with her in his arms, sitting stiffly, staring into space angrily. 
He acted like he hated both of us. 

I was getting more and more depressed. I was tired all the time. Walking up the stairs felt like a chore. 
I started getting pain in my ears. I begged him to come home so I could go to the dr. He told me to take her along. I told him no way. 

He came home. I found out I had two ear infections in both ears. I asked him to please stay home one day so he could help me and I could rest. He refused. 
The next day I put her in her crib with some baby toys and laid on the floor in her room. 
Usually I had activities for us to do. I'd read to her, we would listen to music and dance. look at pictures, play in the tub together, she'd have tummy time. I tried to do a lot of stimulating developmental activities. 

That day we did hardly anything. He came home out of the blue to find me laying on the floor. "What are you doing?" like he couldn't believe it.
"Remember? I have four ear infections? I'm sick." 
He got mad at me. "You're always sick!"

After I got over the infections I wanted to get out of the house and be a human for an hour. He started in again with his huffing, eye rolling, and banging around. 

I just snapped. I told him never mind, I don't need him. I got ready to go, got her ready to go and grabbed the keys. He rushed ahead of me and blocked the door. 

He was three inches taller than me and did martial arts. "You aren't leaving with my baby!"
"You didn't want to watch her but now I can't leave with her?"
"No. You are too upset."
"Move out of my way."

I went into the zone. The zone of being abused. The zone of hatred, and at that moment our marriage was over. He had crossed into a level of crazy and cruel that I could not fathom.

I picked up the pumpkin seat, got her out and walked away from him to our bedroom. He ran behind me and tried to shove himself into the door before I closed and locked it. 

He started banging on the door. "I can't believe you are doing this! Why are you doing this?" I yelled through the door. 

"You are too upset to be alone with my daughter!!!" 
He wouldn't stop banging on the door and she started to cry. 
I finally opened the door, and asked him what was going on. 

He had no rational explanation for his behavior. I told him I didn't understand why he was so angry having to watch his own child. 

He said I hadn't had a real job in so long that he didn't think he should have to do anything. Suddenly I realized he was still holding a grudge about me starting the business. 

I felt my heart breaking. "If I'm so horrible why did you want to have a baby with me?"

"I wanted you to make a contribution to the relationship."

And that was another nail in my heart. 

The next day I realized I couldn't be loving or intimate toward him anymore. I told him we should just live our own lives and be there for her. I would take over the spare room and we could just parent together. 

He said no. He couldn't live like that. He wanted to work on things, try to make it better. I was trapped. 

I told him the next time he tried to block me or pounded on doors I was going to call the police. I told him it was physical abuse and that with my history he should know I won't put up with it. 

About a month later we got into another fight because he didn't want to help me. I had it and knew I had to leave or I would say something I would regret. 
I told him that. I could see his hesitation. He wanted to throw a fit and keep me from leaving. 

Instead he said "Fine, I'll just go slit my wrists" and ran into the bathroom. 
I called 911. They sent a cop out who took him to the ER.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know if anyone is still interested but do you think the part about my ex is boring or unrelated? Like if you were reading a book would you only want to read about the father stuff?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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