# Thoughts and opinions



## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

*Wife not working is stressing me out*

I struggled to pick a section to post this message to since it covers a few of the topics, but I put it here because it financial matters are at the forefront just now.

My wife and I have been arguing a lot recently (probably 6 months) and I am really questioning our marriage. We've been married for about 4 years, after marrying within a few months of getting together to help with immigration (although we were in love). We don't have kids.

The situation we find ourselves in now has repeated itself throughout our marriage - she is out of work and doesn't put in what I would consider to be a reasonable amount of effort to find a job. In the last 5 years, she has had minimum wage jobs here and there, but rarely more than 30 hours per week, with large periods of unemployment. It's hard for me to understand because I have never been in a position of being out of work for long periods (I'm an engineer), but that is usually down to the amount of time and effort I put into job searching when I'm unemployed. She sits on the computer all day and sends off resumes here and there, but her low self-esteem and self-worth (or lack thereof), as well as whatever else, prohibit her from dropping off resumes around town. I forward her job listings and got her an interview at an office, but she says she's fed up of taking minimum wage jobs. She is a couple of courses off having an arts degree, but doesn't have any career under her belt (she's 32). She has always done random seasonal jobs until she started University when she was in her late twenties. She feels a lot of pressure from me to take a job (and I admit I do make her feel guilty occassionally), but I do it because I can't understand the position of not having a job, and not spending every minute looking for anyone that will hire me for whatever job is available. 

Here's the strange thing - she is an incredibly hard worker when she is interested in something. We started a home business together last year which involved a lot of manual work outside. She was putting in a lot of long and hard days. So she is definitely capable of working hard and isn't lazy, when she's in the mood for accomplishing something. 

Her mood swings are big - she was in a depression (may still be) recently, following a few really bad turns of events (a close friend died, our business failed last year and she has had a major fallout with her mom) - and she has really high 'highs' when she's happy. On my brief reading of a few psychology blogs, she has trouble dis-associating with negative events. We can't have any conversations about her work situation without it turning into a massive arguement. She says she feels really awful about not having a job, and says she feels worthless without one. Apparently all of my questions put her on the defensive and it descends from there. She also says that she wouldn't blame me for leaving her because she feels worthless.

I keep telling myself that our problems stem from taking on way too much in the last year - we started the business together, I am also starting a separate business on my own, I work full time for a separate company, and we did major house renovations ourselves. I spend a lot of hours at the computer because of my businesses but I try to spend as much time as I can with her. Until recently I was feeling that it was my job to keep her happy, then I realized that only she can do that. Since I work from home, we spend a lot of time together and it's becoming increasingly difficult because we're not getting on. I struggle to remember why it is that we're together, even though we did get on really well in the past.

I do resent paying for everything, and I'm just beginning to learn the phrase 'we can't afford that', without being extremely resentful when I say it. I just read about co-dependency the other day and it does sound familiar. However, I'm no good at budgeting either - I've always earned enough to support the type of lifestyle I had (when I was single). We tried to budget recently, but whenever we run over, I feel the pressure to work extra hours to make up the shortfall. I know that if she got a full time job, even at minimum wage, we would be able to pay off our $10k credit card debt in a 3-4 months. And might even have a chance of going on holiday or affording a ski-pass. She seems to be resenting me more and more as well, especially when I don't do much cleaning - which I admit I definitely don't - very lazy when it comes to cleaning. My mouth says, 'Yes, I know it's fair for me to do half of the cleaning', but my head says - 'you don't even have a job - please take at least some stress off my shoulders while I bust my balls supporting us financially'. She also seems to resent that I'm finally succeeding in my new business. It seems that she hates herself more for not having a job when she compares herself to me, but then I get annoyed as it comes across to me that she wants me to fail at my business.

We are at the stage where kids are defintely on the agenda. I'm worried that her inability to hold down a job will continue for the rest of our lives, and therefore I'm not sure I want to have kids with her knowing that it will probably be me alone trying to support ourselves financially. I also have at the back of my mind that I could perhaps find somebody who is driven and passionate about succeeding in whatever they choose. I think it's her care-free-ness that attracted me to her in the first place, but as life progresses, do I really want that lack of responisibility and lack of self confidence in my spouse? I know lots of confident career ladies and have never been attracted to them. Perhaps the grass is always greener.

I should also share that I'm happy with the way things are when she's having a good day i.e. is in her happy mode and not her depressed and angry mode. We are going to try the home business again next year, and hopefully she will latch onto that, as that's what she says she wants to do full time. 

Well that's most of the story from my side - I'm sure you'd get 100% different story from hers. I'm interested to know what you think about this situation. Am I a doormat or am I not supporting my wife enough through this rough last year? - or both!? I'm really just interested to get an outside perspective as this is the first time I've vented. Thanks!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

The problem is you've worked your ass off but still can't make 2 ends meet in the balance sheet.
But in the future, when you're getting more and more business and income, you're bringing bigger and bigger bacon home. There's not much for you to worry about your wife. That means you're a very capable man and you'll be very successful. One day, you can pay a part time maid, and your wife can be a care-free stayhome mom. Do you think Bill Gate's wife needs to go out to work? But why she's a good wife for Bill Gate?
Some women are born to be career women when some women are born to be housewives, or tai tai, in Chinese speaking tai tai means lucky wives. Tai tai are those wives who don't need to go out to do any work, even they try to find work they can't find work. They're born with luck especially after married they pass their luck to their husbands. The only work for them to do is to enjoy shopping and chi chatting with other tai tai about their kids, how successful their husbands' business and how much they spent on their new LV bags in a fancy cafe in a sunny afternoon at tea time. They don't even do house work because they have maids to do it. Why they're good wives? Because they're lucky women who bring good luck to their husbands. Mostly, you would see in the begining, the husband starts from very small business, and it grows bigger and bigger after they married those lucky women. These men just go freaky lucky. If you are already rich, you don't know if the woman you just married got luck or not but if you're getting rich, you know your wife is not bad even she can't earn much money. So if your business goes well, thanks for the good luck from your wife. She's not born to be a career woman but a stay home mom or tai tai.
I'm one of the tai tai. Ever since my husband married me, he's getting more and more successful in his career. What do I do? Stay all day in front of computer in this forum or go shopping.
Who does housework? My maid.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

My job situation is very similar to your wife. I can't find a good pay work, although I hold a master degree. So now the degree is only for displaying purpose. I'm thinking to find work again because I'm bored at home. You don't know maybe one day you will become next Bill Gate, he's also an engineer with an incredible luck. 
Therefore, don't anyhow throw away your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Btw, some people won't believe in any stupid superstition especially Chinese one. My actual point is, you're a man. It's very reasonable that you're a bread winner instead of your wife.
So if you still can't make 2 ends meet, you don't push on your wife, you go and create some more business! If your wife loves to help you, be grateful. Last, nobody loves cleaning and housekeepings. Find a part time maid. It's inexpensive. I would recommend a live in maid, so you also got 3 meals cooked, dirty dishes and kitchen cleaned, all clothes washed, ironed and folded.


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## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

Thanks for the replies Ms. Lonely. The thing is, I feel like I may become successful _despite_ my wife, not because of my wife. If she pulled her own weight financially, getting my business off the ground would be so much easier. As it is at the moment, I'm paying for our mortgage, car, holidays, food - everything. I even pay for her to visit her friends in another city and go on holiday with them for a few days... I did this because I thought it would help her get out of her depression. It may have helped, but I resent that I can't go on holiday anymore because she isn't working.

If the business ends up successful, I still wonder whether I would be happy with a live at home wife (with or without kids). I'm not sure if I will end up resenting this because she is not an achiever and always puts roadblocks up for herself on her way to happiness. Thing is, I don't even care if it was a minimum wage job that she got - anything just to show that she's willing to make a contribution. I feel pretty used at the moment, and wonder what my friends think about our situation.

I can't wait to be able to afford a cleaner etc,, as I'm sure it will ease the situation, but really... get a job already!! Any more insights?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MsLady -- I will respectfully disagree. I am sorry, but I see no point in having a wife who does nothing but sit on her butt the whole day playing on the computer. But to suggest that he get a maid to "help" her kinda makes me laugh. 

I think it would be best for you to sit down and talk about the whole situation. Figure out what you can be happy with and what she can be happy with. Can you be happy with her being a Stay at home wife who takes care of the household and cooks the meals etc? Maybe you should consider that with your wife, or consider talking to her about finding a part time job that she could enjoy. 

If your only attraction is to her bringing in money, then definately talk it out and reevaluate your life together. She may not feel the same way you do, and now would be the time to find that out.


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## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

Thanks for your 2 cents DawnD. I should add that she does spend a large portion of the day on job boards and she gets rejected from most if not all jobs. This morning she said she was thinking about leaving, after an arguement that errupted last night when I said I would take any job in her position. This afternoon she's in bed depressed. 

She agreed to see a counsellor with me today. I hope that this will help me to understand what's going on. I struggle to remember why it is that we're together when we're arguing, but when we're not, I'm happy with the way things are going. It's hard to say whether I would be happy with her as a stay at home mom, because I know that she had other hopes and dreams that she has never followed through on. I always think that if we hit hard times, like we are in at the moment, she won't dig in and do something she dislikes to help support us financially. Her body clock is ticking loudly, so I help a counsellor will help us work out whether to stick this out or call it a day. 

One more thing... her mother lives right next door, and after their bust up, home is no longer a sanctuary that she can retreat to. My experience living with this mother in law has been awful, but I'm dealing with it because I know we have to for the moment. If the in-law ends up moving out, I'm not sure that anything is going to be fixed with our relationship.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Robert -- my apologies, the first part of my post was just about MsLadys response to how she spends her days, and how she thinks you should continue to do all the work to provide and do all you can so your wife needs to do absolutely nothing. That seems ridiculous to me, but I can see how some would see it differently.

I do hope that a counselor can help you guys sort it out. What will happen if her hopes and dreams have changed since you last discussed them??


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## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

No offence taken at all Dawn, I value your opinion. 

I've seen that work for different cultures before, but personally I wouldn't be happy at all if my wife was happy to stay at home and mooch. I might be happy for her to be a SAHM, but we don't have kids, and I always would wonder what would happen if she had to pull her weight financially.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think one of the biggest issues in marriage comes when one spouse feels like they are pulling more than the other. Especially financially. Mind you it isn't that way for all, but a lot of people we know have fallen apart due to financial stress, and not feeling that their spouse has the same goals as they do with finances.

I am gonna ask, because I am a huge supporter, do you guys work out at all?? If your wife suffers from low self-esteem, I would definately think about going to the gym or doing some physical fitness activities together. Exercise can drastically raise self esteem, not because you are losing weight, but because you generally feel better about yourself and have more energy ( well, sometimes LOL). 

If you guys can talk calmly, I would ask her what her goals are right now. Baby step it. What do you want to have accomplished by the New Year? Both of you throw out your answers, but make sure they pertain to yourself. Then talk about how to get to those goals. My goal was to go to college after my kids both went to full day school. Did that, now I have to baby step myself into deciding what I want to do LOL. Start with what you can, and I bet that you two will have the same goals, just at different speeds.


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