# Undoing the past.



## Cheryl88

Hi, my name's Chez & I've been with my boyfriend on/off for 5 & a half years now & we've lived together for the last 2 years. He really is the best partner I could ever wish for & I love him to bits, I can't stress that enough. 

Last week I accidently found a ring, a beautiful engagement ring, buried beneath a bunch of his things - obviously I'm ecstatic & have already ran through how he's gonna propose a billion times in my head! I had no idea he was thinking like that so its caught be my surprise but he's definitely the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

The problem is that I would feel sort of wrong marrying him with him not knowing that I've not always been faithful in the past. 

I'm not gonna go into any more details than that, but what do I do? The last thing I wanna do is break his heart & it actually seems that the best thing for everyone is to bury the past in the past & move on. I know I won't cheat on him again, especially not with an engagement, and with 2013 starting tomorrow it seems the perfect time to treat it as a clean slate & a fresh start. 

I've been treat badly by previous partners in the past & my bf is the first good thing to happen to my life in a long time. I don't want to risk that for being stupid in the past. 

I know people like to treat these things as black & white but this is a massive grey area in reality. I'm not even sure what responses I want, I just needed to get it off my chest. 

Thanks. x


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## Thoreau

When he proposes, tell him NO and tell him WHY you will not marry him and rob him of his chance for a happy life with a faithful wife.


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## Chris Taylor

Tell him now before he proposes. Let him make the decision to propose or not.


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## thatbpguy

Chris Taylor said:


> Tell him now before he proposes. Let him make the decision to propose or not.


This.


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## Zig

This is kind of my worst nightmare.


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## Chelle D

Chris Taylor said:


> Tell him now before he proposes. Let him make the decision to propose or not.


DITTO.

Exactly. I would have been much longer winded. But,much much better to tell him about it before he proposes to you. 

See if he is going to forgive you and move the relationship on with you.


Also... Be very careful of sneaking thru others possessions. I also found an engagement ring in my hubby's (then boyfriends) "things" drawer. I used to try it on when alone, etc. 

Then I found out that it was the engagement/promise ring for the girl before me! Turns out she had given it back & He just stuck it away until he needed it for a pawn, or... he said later.. If he ever needed another engagement ring, he was going to keep the chip from it & put it in another setting.

I'm so glad he didn't use that ring, after I knew where it had been.


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## Hope4thebest

I agree with everyone else.. Trust is the cornerstone of any sucessful relationship.. As bad as it may hurt and as bad as it might screw things up... It is best to tell him now..


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Hope4thebest said:* Trust is the cornerstone of any sucessful relationship.. As bad as it may hurt and as bad as it might screw things up... It is best to tell him now..












The one good thing here is...you are struggling with your conscience...this is how it works...you know you did something very wrong against this good man, he didn't deserve it at all. 

When we truly love another...we will put them 1st... to give this man the full 100% truth ...is honorable... it is right... *it is the way of integrity*...and allow him to make up his own mind...this is his life & his future. 

People can forgive... but they will want to understand WHY...you owe him this much... 

Ask yourself this question... had he done this to you, would you want to know, wouldn't you feel this is your right??

And never discount these things showing up in the future... if this comes to light...your husband will NEVER trust you again -for keeping this from him ...it's no way to start a marriage. 

All firm foundations are built upon Honesty... which builds Trust... it is upon you to convince him YOU have changed and this will never never never happen again ~before you take his ring.


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## Cheryl88

Thoreau said:


> When he proposes, tell him NO and tell him WHY you will not marry him and rob him of his chance for a happy life with a faithful wife.


But I will be a faithful wife, I've got no doubt about that. There's absolutely no need to sound so judgemental, life isn't as simple as that. Surely people deserve another chance?



SimplyAmorous said:


> The one good thing here is...you are struggling with your conscience...this is how it works...you know you did something very wrong against this good man, he didn't deserve it at all.
> 
> When we truly love another...we will put them 1st... to give this man the full 100% truth ...is honorable... it is right... *it is the way of integrity*...and allow him to make up his own mind...this is his life & his future.
> 
> People can forgive... but they will want to understand WHY...you owe him this much...
> 
> Ask yourself this question... had he done this to you, would you want to know, wouldn't you feel this is your right??
> 
> And never discount these things showing up in the future... if this comes to light...your husband will NEVER trust you again -for keeping this from him ...it's no way to start a marriage.
> 
> All firm foundations are built upon Honesty... which builds Trust... it is upon you to convince him YOU have changed and this will never never never happen again ~before you take his ring.


I know what you're saying, but I'm absolutely terrified of him leaving me. Surely not every marriage is the same? What good is there in breaking his heart by telling him about things that will have no impact on our future? 



Zig said:


> This is kind of my worst nightmare.


I have absolutely no idea what to do.


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## KathyBatesel

What good will come of him knowing this? The only things I can think of: 

- He might one day discover the truth and by not telling him, she's compounded one wrong (unfaithfulness) with another (deception.)

That's the only benefit I can see from telling him, because it will not build trust. It will have the opposite effect. 

On the other hand, it is important to lay the groundwork for trust and get ugly truths out of the way before marriage so that the marriage can start with a sound foundation. 

I would give serious thought about how can let him know you've learned a lesson and won't repeat it. I would also say you need to own your actions and not try to blame him for what you did. Finally, I would approach it in as non-threatening way as I could find. I might start by saying I have some regrets about myself and reveal that I was once unfaithful and how it plagued my conscious and see what his response is to this before revealing that it was him I'd cheated on.


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## Thoreau

I think you have an idea. Everyone so far has basically said the same thing.

My gut tells me you won't say a word though.

You say "not always..." How many times have you been unfaithful?


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## oldgeezer

Cheryl88 said:


> H
> 
> The problem is that I would feel sort of wrong marrying him with him not knowing that I've not always been faithful in the past.
> 
> I'm not gonna go into any more details than that, but what do I do? The last thing I wanna do is break his heart & it actually seems that the best thing for everyone is to bury the past in the past & move on. I know I won't cheat on him again, especially not with an engagement, and with 2013 starting tomorrow it seems the perfect time to treat it as a clean slate & a fresh start.


Does HE know you've cheated on him? 

Just a question. 

I'm glad to see that you're doing the one thing that's most important to all of this... Taking responsibility for yourself. This is the ultimate key to ALL success, at ALL things. 

I'm not sure that you need to tell him. Were you in an agreed-to monogamous relationship? Or did you just think you should be? 

First, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself, to see what YOU bring to the relationship. Honesty? Integrity? Safety? Emotional fulfillment? 

If you have not been in the past, his asking you is the time to make that promise you did NOT make in the past, and time for you to have a real start with a real promise, with a "new" you - one with true commitment and who is true to yourself. 

And even if he doesn't ask... If you work on YOU, and YOU become that partner you want to be, what's the worry about breaking his heart? You will not. That's the person you want to be - whether it's with him, or whoever it may be in the future, if not with him. In the end, it's all about your own learning, your own conscience, your own integrity, your own character. Do this for yourself, not for him.


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## Cheryl88

KathyBatesel said:


> What good will come of him knowing this? The only things I can think of:
> 
> - He might one day discover the truth and by not telling him, she's compounded one wrong (unfaithfulness) with another (deception.)
> 
> That's the only benefit I can see from telling him, because it will not build trust. It will have the opposite effect.
> 
> On the other hand, it is important to lay the groundwork for trust and get ugly truths out of the way before marriage so that the marriage can start with a sound foundation.
> 
> I would give serious thought about how can let him know you've learned a lesson and won't repeat it. I would also say you need to own your actions and not try to blame him for what you did. Finally, I would approach it in as non-threatening way as I could find. I might start by saying I have some regrets about myself and reveal that I was once unfaithful and how it plagued my conscious and see what his response is to this before revealing that it was him I'd cheated on.


This is the closest to what I'm thinking. I just don't see how telling him will be a positive thing in any way? I know I've done wrong, but equally I know that it won't be happening again so surely that's the most important thing?

From the second he proposes, it's a totally fresh start at a whole new level in my eyes. I feel guilt, but having that & still being in a relationship with the man I love is better than no longer feeling guilt but losing him.

I don't blame him for any of this, I accept that they are my issues that have led me to make mistakes.



oldgeezer said:


> Does HE know you've cheated on him?
> 
> Just a question.
> 
> I'm glad to see that you're doing the one thing that's most important to all of this... Taking responsibility for yourself. This is the ultimate key to ALL success, at ALL things.
> 
> I'm not sure that you need to tell him. Were you in an agreed-to monogamous relationship? Or did you just think you should be?
> 
> First, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself, to see what YOU bring to the relationship. Honesty? Integrity? Safety? Emotional fulfillment?
> 
> If you have not been in the past, his asking you is the time to make that promise you did NOT make in the past, and time for you to have a real start with a real promise, with a "new" you - one with true commitment and who is true to yourself.
> 
> And even if he doesn't ask... If you work on YOU, and YOU become that partner you want to be, what's the worry about breaking his heart? You will not. That's the person you want to be - whether it's with him, or whoever it may be in the future, if not with him. In the end, it's all about your own learning, your own conscience, your own integrity, your own character. Do this for yourself, not for him.


To give the full story, he knows I cheated on him about 4 years ago which was when we broke up. We were only apart for a few months though & have been together ever since. He doesn't know that I've made mistakes since then, which is why I'm even more terrified of letting him know the truth. 

I'm really not the person that that makes me sound like. I'm a good person but I've had a lot going through my head at times... I admit I've been stupid & made mistakes but I can say with 100% confidence that it won't happen again. I'm not that person. 

I love him, and that's why I'd feel very bad accepting his proposal without him knowing the truth. But I equally think that maybe just treating it as a fresh start is the best thing.

Thanks to both of you for your non-judgemental responses. x


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## KathyBatesel

Cheryl88 said:


> This is the closest to what I'm thinking. I just don't see how telling him will be a positive thing in any way? I know I've done wrong, but equally I know that it won't be happening again so surely that's the most important thing?
> 
> From the second he proposes, it's a totally fresh start at a whole new level in my eyes. I feel guilt, but having that & still being in a relationship with the man I love is better than no longer feeling guilt but losing him.
> 
> I don't blame him for any of this, I accept that they are my issues that have led me to make mistakes.
> 
> To give the full story, he knows I cheated on him about 4 years ago which was when we broke up. We were only apart for a few months though & have been together ever since. He doesn't know that I've made mistakes since then, which is why I'm even more terrified of letting him know the truth.
> 
> I'm really not the person that that makes me sound like. I'm a good person but I've had a lot going through my head at times... I admit I've been stupid & made mistakes but I can say with 100% confidence that it won't happen again. I'm not that person.
> 
> I love him, and that's why I'd feel very bad accepting his proposal without him knowing the truth. But I equally think that maybe just treating it as a fresh start is the best thing.
> 
> Thanks to both of you for your non-judgemental responses. x


Telling him is a positive thing in the sense that it doesn't leave skeletons in the closet that can haunt your marriage later.

However, you claim it wouldn't happen again but... it already did! The second time you cheated, you proved that you did *not* make a commitment to be faithful. And you said you've made mistakes (PLURAL) since then. There's an old saying to the effect of "the second time you commit a sin it stops being a sin." It sounds to me like you are a serial cheater and should avoid marriage until you find a relationship where you are NEVER tempted to cheat.


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## Cheryl88

KathyBatesel said:


> However, you claim it wouldn't happen again but... it already did! The second time you cheated, you proved that you did *not* make a commitment to be faithful. And you said you've made mistakes (PLURAL) since then. There's an old saying to the effect of "the second time you commit a sin it stops being a sin." It sounds to me like you are a serial cheater and should avoid marriage until you find a relationship where you are NEVER tempted to cheat.


It's not like that at all.

We probably got back together too soon after the initial break-up, we were both younger - I'm a different person now. It feels like I've only recently fully got my life in a place where I like it & I understand what I want now. I KNOW I will not cheat again, it's just not even a temptation - that's not the issue. The issue is whether or not to tell the man I love & want to marry about the past.


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## KathyBatesel

It's very much the issue that will be on his mind. 

Whether you can demonstrate that or not is the question. I hope you have complete openness on each other's phones and computers, and that you *will* give him time to consider if he's willing to take that chance with you, because your behavior so far has been that your judgment was not good. 

I don't doubt that you feel differently now. And there's no way for me (and maybe even not you) to know if your more recent loyalty is permanent or if you just think it is because you're anticipating getting engaged. 

I'm really not trying to be a b*tch about it. Yes you were younger, but age doesn't excuse it. Plenty of young people never go there. This is about what happens when you feel dissatisfied or when you're lacking excitement. Whatever it was that prompted you to cheat before will come back into your life again, and if you do not have a different way to cope with it, you'll fall back to what you've done in the past.


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## Thoreau

I concur with Kathy.

Not marriage material.


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## SimplyAmorous

Ok, I'm the type of person that would want to know... some people are LIKE this.. what type is he? I am also the type than could forgive something like that ....IF I understood it... (Maybe you just had a fight, maybe you hit a low point in your life, I don't know the story- -why did you do it????).... but someone *NOT* giving me that opportunity- who claimed they loved me...... No.. this would NOT at all be "acceptable" to me.....not at all. I'd feel monumentally betrayed with anyone I loved withholding this information from me. 

It is something you have hidden away in your heart..such things have a way of hurting us inside, even if we are trying to protect the other. 

People are different...I suppose... I prefer honesty, even when it hurts like hell, I want to know what I am dealing with. I feel RESPECT from that ....

You will get a variety of opinions here...as I am sure he falls into one of these categories as well....

*1. * Some would Cut you off just for being honest

*2* Some would THANK YOU for being brave enough to be honest in the face of possible loss...it will rip his heart out but your sharing your heart with tears -in showing your remorse - This has a voice also...such things CAN be worked out & your relationship will be the better for it ............(This is the camp I would fall into, as I believe GOOD people can screw up badly , we are all human).

*3.* Then some would rather NOT know.

How do you feel your BF would be - which camp ?? If you truly feel he would rather NOT know, maybe that would be for the best...... though I think this would be something anyone would try to convince themselves of - in this situation..


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## thatbpguy

Cheryl88 said:


> Surely people deserve another chance?


But you're not asking for a second chance. You're desire is to betray, decieve, lie and then some nutty attempt to justify.

Face it, as this is how you think and act best of luck, but I suggest trying to change your stripes before you cause even more problems.


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## heavensangel

What good is there in breaking his heart by telling him about things that will have no impact on our future?


Would you rather he find out after you have children? Then not only is his heart breaking but their family life will be torn apart as well. 

Deception always has an impact on the future....this is true, whether the deceived ever finds out the truth or not. The deceiver, in this case YOU, have to live with the fact you're hiding something from him and when/if he ever finds out, your life as you know it will forever be changed. The pressure of knowing this can/will take its toll on the relationship. The longer you go without disclosure, the more it's going to eat at you. 

If what you say is true and you'd like to start 2013 off on a 'clean slate'.....then coming 'clean' with him on the past is the only way to achieve it. Without it, there will be no 'clean slate'. JMO


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## SimplyAmorous

> Originally Posted by *Cheryl88 *
> Surely people deserve another chance?





thatbpguy said:


> But you're not asking for a second chance. You're desire is to betray, decieve, lie and then some nutty attempt to justify.












The truth is... without sharing this information, you are NOT asking for a 2nd chance, so this thought/comment is Null & void. 

He *IS* being deceived here... this can not be gotten around. 

We are not trying to be judgemental, we are putting ourselves in HIS SHOES. On forums like this, this is what we try to do, as it helps the poster See the others's perspective.


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## KathyBatesel

I think SimplyAmorous offered some great wisdom when he says to consider what HE would want.


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## Cheryl88

Thoreau said:


> I concur with Kathy.
> 
> Not marriage material.


How can you just discard me as not marriage material? You know nothing about me or how I'm feeling. Don't reply to anything else in this thread as I don't need your nasty comments & they're not helping anyone.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok, I'm the type of person that would want to know... some people are LIKE this.. what type is he? I am also the type than could forgive something like that ....IF I understood it... (Maybe you just had a fight, maybe you hit a low point in your life, I don't know the story- -why did you do it????).... but someone *NOT* giving me that opportunity- who claimed they loved me...... No.. this would NOT at all be "acceptable" to me.....not at all. I'd feel monumentally betrayed with anyone I loved withholding this information from me.
> 
> It is something you have hidden away in your heart..such things have a way of hurting us inside, even if we are trying to protect the other.
> 
> People are different...I suppose... I prefer honesty, even when it hurts like hell, I want to know what I am dealing with. I feel RESPECT from that ....
> 
> You will get a variety of opinions here...as I am sure he falls into one of these categories as well....
> 
> *1. * Some would Cut you off just for being honest
> 
> *2* Some would THANK YOU for being brave enough to be honest (even though it hurt like hell - they will overcome it when you state how sorry you are in tears)...and not necessarily break the relationship... This is the camp I would fall into.
> 
> *3.* Then some would rather NOT know.
> 
> How do you feel your BF would be - which camp ?? If you truly feel he would rather NOT know, maybe that would be for the best...... though I think this would be something anyone would try to convince themselves of - in this situation..


I understand what you're saying, but I don't want to even think about how I'd go about doing it. It would break his heart and if he couldn't forgive me then I'd just be lost. He's everything to me.



thatbpguy said:


> But you're not asking for a second chance. You're desire is to betray, decieve, lie and then some nutty attempt to justify.
> 
> Face it, as this is how you think and act best of luck, but I suggest trying to change your stripes before you cause even more problems.


I already have changed my stripes, I'm not that person anymore - I hate that person. I'm not trying to justify either, I know that I've got myself into this mess. It doesn't make it any easier, but I know that's the truth.



KathyBatesel said:


> I think SimplyAmorous offered some great wisdom when he says to consider what HE would want.


He loves me though, it would kill me to break his heart. I'm going to have to think it through. For what its worth, I've never been so filled with guilt/remorse. If I was a bad person, I'd just marry him & live happily ever after without all these thoughts.


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## moxy

Now would be a good time to discuss boundaries, expectations that you might have about what it means to be in a committed relationship, and how you guys feel about what is and isn't acceptable behavior with people of the opposite sex in your partnership. 

Don't talk about marriage because he hasn't proposed yet, but talk about your expectations. Ask him if he has ever had any indiscretions. Tell him about yours. 

Once he does propose, it will end up being about the wedding and not the marriage so you will lose your window of opportunity. 

If you don't talk to him before he proposes, then afterwards, insist on premarital couples counseling to safeguard the marriage and to give you an opportunity to discuss the truth then.

I recommend IC for you to figure out why you've cheated so you don't do it again. Also, y'all should read "His Needs Her Needs", "The Five Love Languages" and "Not Just Friends" together. 

If you don't deal with your cheating tendencies now, you risk ruining everything and breaking his heart. Cheating before marriage is bad, but after getting married is so much worse.


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## Thoreau

Cheryl88 said:


> He loves me though, it would kill me to break his heart.


I am trying to help HIM.

He loves the person he THINKS you are. You have not given him the chance to decide if he love the serial cheater you really are. 
You think it would kill YOU to break his heart? I think it might hurt him a little more.


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## moxy

Cheryl88 said:


> How can you just discard me as not marriage material?
> 
> 
> 
> He loves me though, it would kill me to break his heart. I'm going to have to think it through. For what its worth, I've never been so filled with guilt/remorse. If I was a bad person, I'd just marry him & live happily ever after without all these thoughts.


The reason you don't look like good marriage material is because you are wiling to hide the truth rather than repair the damage. In a marriage, burying your garbage always leads to someone else getting hurt. If you were honest enough to face your problems and deal with them honestly, then you would be better marriage material.

You are pretending to be noble to spare him pain, but that isn't noble, just cowardly. It will hurt him much much more if he finds out from someone else and then you will have zero chance if salvaging this relationship without breaking his spirit.

Recognizing that you screwed up doesn't make you a good person, neither does feeling bad. Owning up to it might help you be a good partner though. It isn't your place to measure out your own punishment and justice at someone else's expense. He thinks he's marrying a woman who loves him enough to be faithful. He's dead wrong. You're more interested in protecting your image. If you love him, work this out with him the right way. When you marry someone, you're both expected to help each other in overcoming weaknesses and benefit from each others' strengths; lying about who you are helps neither of you. Showing someone your weaknesses is the only way they can help you fortify against them; not doing do is sabotaging your future marriage.


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## heavensangel

I've never been so filled with guilt/remorse.

Being honest with him is the only way for you to get relief from this. Doesn't someone who is your 'everything' deserve to know the truth? 

I haven't read where anyone's accused you of being a 'bad' person; but have you made some bad choices? Yes. The real test of your love & devotion to him will come out when/if you decide to do the right thing. If you both truly love each other, then this is not yet to the point it can't be worked out. However, you knowingly marrying him without being truthful and him finding out later...... can/would be a deal breaker for most. 

None of us here are trying to purposely be cruel; we're trying to save both you and him MORE hurt down road.


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## thatbpguy

Cheryl88 said:


> I already have changed my stripes, I'm not that person anymore - I hate that person. I'm not trying to justify either, I know that I've got myself into this mess. It doesn't make it any easier, but I know that's the truth.


No you're not. 

_"As a dog returns to his own vomit,
So a fool repeats his folly.
Do you see a man wise in his own eyes?
There is more hope for a fool than for him."_

When you justify betrayal, lies and deception by saying 'I've changed', that's simply justification.

To really be a changed person (as much as one can), you need to take accountability for your actions- not justify them through lies and deception. Until you reach the point where you can hold yourself fully accountable, confess yourself to him, and prove out why he can now trust you... you haven't changed one bit. And you can bank on that.


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## KathyBatesel

Cheryl88 said:


> I understand what you're saying, but I don't want to even think about how I'd go about doing it. It would break his heart and if he couldn't forgive me then I'd just be lost. He's everything to me.
> 
> I already have changed my stripes, I'm not that person anymore - I hate that person. I'm not trying to justify either, I know that I've got myself into this mess. It doesn't make it any easier, but I know that's the truth.
> 
> He loves me though, it would kill me to break his heart. I'm going to have to think it through. For what its worth, I've never been so filled with guilt/remorse. If I was a bad person, I'd just marry him & live happily ever after without all these thoughts.


If you hate that person, he'll have seen the difference in you and hopefully be able to let go of the hurt he'll feel. But if he doesn't see that change, he may not be able to, and giving him the opportunity to make that decision for himself IS the loving thing to do. Finding a way to break it gently is important, though. 

You've already broken his heart. He just doesn't know it yet. Would you rather him learn it from you or from someone else? I hope you'll ask yourself whether you're letting your own self-interest be more important than him in this whole thing.


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## MrK

How can be so sure you'll not cheat on him again? You did it in the bliss of an early relationship. You got away with it. It was easy. What will happen 7 years down the line when you realize he is NOT the prince charming you thought he was and that "itch" starts to get you looking.

I hope you tell him. For HIM. At least when you break his heart later, he had a warning.


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## east2west

Let me just put it this way Cheryl.

I dated my now wife for about 7 years before we got married and we are very happy together.

She had many opportunities to cheat but she never did and that made me feel good about our relationship. If I found out NOW that she had cheated on me BACK THEN, I honestly don't think I could get over it. 

It is much better that he finds out before you get married, and before you get engaged.


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## oldgeezer

KathyBatesel said:


> There's an old saying to the effect of "the second time you commit a sin it stops being a sin." It sounds to me like you are a serial cheater and should avoid marriage until you find a relationship where you are NEVER tempted to cheat.


Being tempted is not cheating. 

Being tempted merely makes you human. Giving in to it is the problem.


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## larry.gray

Cheryl88 said:


> But I will be a faithful wife, I've got no doubt about that. There's absolutely no need to sound so judgemental, life isn't as simple as that. Surely people deserve another chance?


I noted you didn't use the words "second chance" because you already got that. You're asking for what? Third chance? 



Cheryl88 said:


> I know what you're saying, but I'm absolutely terrified of him leaving me. Surely not every marriage is the same? What good is there in breaking his heart by telling him about things that will have no impact on our future?


Do you want to risk losing him now or once you have children together? You can't count on this staying a secret forever since there are other men who know your secret. You never know when you might be outed by accident.

Since you've cheated on him already, so he will be suspicious. He will always be suspicious, and will ask once in a while. Do you want to lie 10 years from now? 20 years? 40 years later? Do you think your conscious can last that long?

When you do eventually tell him the truth, it will be all fresh and new for him. He'll feel the fool, he'll feel that his entire marriage is a lie.


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## larry.gray

Cheryl88 said:


> How can you just discard me as not marriage material? You know nothing about me or how I'm feeling. Don't reply to anything else in this thread as I don't need your nasty comments & they're not helping anyone.


If you're truly remorseful you wouldn't get angry when people tell you the truth.


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## KathyBatesel

oldgeezer said:


> Being tempted is not cheating.
> 
> Being tempted merely makes you human. Giving in to it is the problem.


Yep, but in a great relationship temptation doesn't even raise its ugly head.


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## VFW

Cheryl you stated in your initial post, that you didn't know what answer you wanted, you were just getting it off you chest. Yet it appears that in reality you were looking for justification from the crowd. I think that a successful marriage is built on honesty, trust and respect. I am not going to tell you what to do, that is your call, but if honesty, trust and respect are important to you as well, you cannot start the marriage with a lie. Best wishes to you.


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## larry.gray

VFW said:


> Yet it appears that in reality you were looking for justification from the crowd.


:iagree:

Yep. Wrong forum for getting that.


----------



## CH

If you've cheated in the past and gotten away with it. A ring won't stop you from cheating in the future when things get tough.

All you'll get out of it is wasting his time and maybe a good portion of his life before you cheat again.

A thief doesn't stop stealing if he keeps getting away with it, they might not do it all the time but when times are tough they'll do it again. Same goes with a cheater. YOU'LL cheat again.

Tell him and let him decide if he wants to take a chance on a cheater, don't build a life with him based on a foundation of lies and deceit.


----------



## moxy

KathyBatesel said:


> Yep, but in a great relationship temptation doesn't even raise its ugly head.


Definitely untrue, imo. Temptation is human. In a great relationship, temptation exists but the benefits of not giving in to it are greater than the immediate reward of doing so.


----------



## mel123

You cheated on him. Don't rob him ALSO of the knowledge to make an informed decision.

When he finds out you deceived and lied to him , it will hurt him almost as much as the cheating.


----------



## Cheryl88

moxy said:


> You are pretending to be noble to spare him pain, but that isn't noble, just cowardly. It will hurt him much much more if he finds out from someone else and then you will have zero chance if salvaging this relationship without breaking his spirit.


I'm not pretending to be anything, the idea of seeing him hurt makes me ache. Acknowledge that this isn't just a case study & is actual people with real feelings. 



KathyBatesel said:


> You've already broken his heart. He just doesn't know it yet. Would you rather him learn it from you or from someone else? I hope you'll ask yourself whether you're letting your own self-interest be more important than him in this whole thing.


I understand what you've said, but why does he HAVE to find out from anyone? Obviously I'd rather he found out from me than anyone else, but if we treat the engagement as the new start then no-one would have to find out anything? I won't cheat again, I know that in my heart. I'm so confused right now.



MrK said:


> How can be so sure you'll not cheat on him again? You did it in the bliss of an early relationship. You got away with it. It was easy. What will happen 7 years down the line when you realize he is NOT the prince charming you thought he was and that "itch" starts to get you looking.
> 
> I hope you tell him. For HIM. At least when you break his heart later, he had a warning.


I won't do it again. I was a different person then as I've said before. It's easy to judge from afar but life is complicated. For the first time in my life I know what I want & its to spend the rest of my life with the man I love.



larry.gray said:


> I noted you didn't use the words "second chance" because you already got that. You're asking for what? Third chance?
> 
> Do you want to risk losing him now or once you have children together? You can't count on this staying a secret forever since there are other men who know your secret. You never know when you might be outed by accident.
> 
> Since you've cheated on him already, so he will be suspicious. He will always be suspicious, and will ask once in a while. Do you want to lie 10 years from now? 20 years? 40 years later? Do you think your conscious can last that long?
> 
> When you do eventually tell him the truth, it will be all fresh and new for him. He'll feel the fool, he'll feel that his entire marriage is a lie.


Number chance is irrelevant & I haven't gone into that, I know I made mistakes in the past - I was a different person with a different mindset in a different set of circumstances. It is possible for people to grow up. 



larry.gray said:


> If you're truly remorseful you wouldn't get angry when people tell you the truth.


I am truly remorseful, I couldn't feel any worse than I do about it all & if I could turn the clocks back I'd do it in a heartbeat & be totally faithful from Day 1. I will never ever stray again, it guts me to think what I've been like. I'm not even trying to make excuses.

I'm basically left with the choice though of risking absolutely everything by admitting the past to the man I love, or moving forward with the man I love and leaving the past in the past. I know I should tell him... I get that. I just have absolutely no idea how I'd do it. It's ripping me up on the inside.


----------



## Cheryl88

CH said:


> If you've cheated in the past and gotten away with it. A ring won't stop you from cheating in the future when things get tough.
> 
> All you'll get out of it is wasting his time and maybe a good portion of his life before you cheat again.
> 
> A thief doesn't stop stealing if he keeps getting away with it, they might not do it all the time but when times are tough they'll do it again. Same goes with a cheater. YOU'LL cheat again.
> 
> Tell him and let him decide if he wants to take a chance on a cheater, don't build a life with him based on a foundation of lies and deceit.


I totally disagree with that. People can change. There's no way you can say I'll cheat again, I KNOW I won't. I love him, I don't need anyone else.


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## moxy

Cheryl88 said:


> I'm not pretending to be anything, the idea of seeing him hurt makes me ache. Acknowledge that this isn't just a case study & is actual people with real feelings.


OK. You're not pretending.You're telling yourself that the main motivation behind concealing your deceit is to spare him pain, when in actuality, that is just a justification. You don't want him to look at you and see a liar and a cheat. You don't want him to look at you and say, "how could YOU, the person I trusted most, break my trust and my heart?" Sure, concealing this problem does spare him pain for now, but it also spares you having to deal with the fallout. Your actions are not noble, but cowardly. You can be better than this, surely. Don't you owe it to the man you love to be better than cowardly for his sake?

You're talking to a board full of people who have been cheated on and many of them hate their spouses for having cheated, but some of them don't. Most of them will tell you that the pain caused by knowing that their spouses have intentionally concealed this terrible deceit and betrayal is actually worse than the betrayal itself. 

You're making a fool of him, by not being honest. If he truly loves you and wants to work it out, he might forgive you. If you truly love him and want to work it out, then you owe him the chance to know who he is marrying. He will find out one day, whether or not you would like him to or not.

I don't, for a moment, think of this as some case study. I've been in your husband's shoes. My own husband cheated on me -- and he intended to quit his game playing and be an honest man, but his intentions never did manifest. I believe that if I have discovered his cheating before marriage, we would have reconsidered getting married or delayed it and only would have done so if he had worked his baggage out first. It would have been better for us both. He thought that getting married would make him instantly a better, non-cheating man, and then...he cheated over and over again. When I found out, I was deeply hurt. I'm telling you, though, the lies are so much worse than the cheating. 

There is no way for you to truly make amends if you are not honest. You thought it was worth the risk to cheat, so maybe you don't love your boyfriend as much as you think you do, or maybe you are a weaker person than you thought you were and might need help being a person who is worthy of trust. This guilt will fade, or it won't. You will do this again, and next time you will end up taking it out on him and the stakes are so much higher after marriage.

People here are on the side of what's good for your potential marriage, which is likely in your best interest. Your cheating and hiding is not in your best interest. The things people say here are not about punishing you or judging you, but about helping you get through this stupid, vile thing that you have knowingly done and concealed. 

It's your life and it's your right to do what you want with it. However, you're getting a lot of opinions from people who have been in your husband's shoes and you're choosing to ignore them because you don't want to face the truth of your actions -- at least that is what it looks like. 

Not considering his perspective is what got you into this mess, so don't you think it might be time to consider his perspective? You can't do that without being honest with him. Yeah, he might leave you, but it's also equally possible that you can work past this and have a better relationship with him.


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## moxy

You can't undo the past by concealing it. You can, however, make amends for what you've done that you wish you hadn't. 

You're not a bad person and you obviously don't want to lose your boyfriend, but your problem is bigger than you seem to realize. You've really gotta figure out why you'd risk something you value for something trashy and convenient; otherwise, you will continue to deceive yourself and your husband and incur a lot more heartache in the future for yourselves.

I'm not trying to be mean to you, but I think you're in denial or something about the gravity of your offense and your ability to deal with it in secret. Bring your bad truth to the surface and get rid of it properly. If you really don't have the courage to talk to your boyfriend, then at least get a good counselor or therapist to help you get better.


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## Cheryl88

I think this might've helped, I've got a lot to think about though. If I was to admit it to him, he's obviously going to want to know names - so I'm instantly dragging other people into this horrible situation. Do I really want to do that? 

Part of me thinks it never has to come out because I KNOW that over time it will be forgotten & not cause the hurt that telling him would bring. The other part of me does understand that he has a right to know, but like I've said, I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. I know I will be a faithful wife forever. If he'd have proposed yesterday (I had my suspicions), I'd have said yes. 

At least now I've got time to think about what I'm going to do.


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## Thoreau

A case study:

All people referenced in this Study are fictitious and may or may not bear resemblance to persons living or dead.

Serial Cheater woman is roughly 24 years old, and feels she is now a grown up and has changed and blossomed into a loving faithful partner while remaining deceptive and dishonest.

Potential spouse is a good man with a good job and the means to provide a good life to the woman he loves, who is not really the woman he knows.

SC wants to hurry and tie that knot because once married, she is entitled to half, and can be assured that when she continues her cheating ways, she will still be compensated after the divorce.

End Case Study.

OP, please put yourself in his shoes. How devastated would you be to find out months, years, decades down the road that your entire married life was a sham???

If you are so changed and grown up, do the right thing, the grown up thing.


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## SimplyAmorous

Cheryl88 said:


> I think this might've helped, I've got a lot to think about though. *If I was to admit it to him, he's obviously going to want to know names *- so I'm instantly dragging other people into this horrible situation. Do I really want to do that?


 Does this mean he may know the man on top of all of this ~ did this man KNOW you had a BF at the time also? 

I agree with all the others... actions speak louder than words, a truly changed person will do the right thing and put herself/himself in the line of fire... and take their lumps / consequences.... this....and only this shows a deeply remorseful







for the wrong they have done to another....

We can all *THINK* we've changed...that is easy...it's mental plane really.... and when things are going good...you're not going to be tempted to do something like this again....... 

But what if, yrs down the road...you start getting a little bored, a little unconnection going on....every marriage will have it's hard times...you can bank on that...the fireworks will tame....Our actions when it's been the most difficult to "come clean"... speaks volumes about a person's character... 

By sweeping it...it will be easier to REPEAT... 

Take a moment & read this article... I think every young person who is even thinking about marriage ought to understand the sheer POWER of secrets...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


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## Emerald

You took a risk when you cheated on him.

Take another one by telling him everything.

You will sleep better at night.


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## MrK

SimplyAmorous said:


> Does this mean he may know the man on top of all of this ~ did this man KNOW you had a BF at the time also?


Excellent point. If anyone that knows is still in your life, he not only WILL find out, but he will realize people in his life knew and kept it from him. It will be BAD. 

You made mistakes. You not only need to do the RIGHT thing, it looks to me like it could be the ONLY thing. Finding out your wife cheated a long time ago will be BAD. To find out at the same time it included a long term conspiracy of lies to keep it secret will be...bad.


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## Cheryl88

Thoreau said:


> SC wants to hurry and tie that knot because once married, she is entitled to half, and can be assured that when she continues her cheating ways, she will still be compensated after the divorce.


How can you even say that??? That thought hasn't even crossed my mind, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I'm only getting married once & I want it to be to the man I love. You know nothing about what you're talking about so feel free to stop throwing around allegations.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Does this mean he may know the man on top of all of this ~ did this man KNOW you had a BF at the time also?


No, its not like that - my bf doesn't properly know the man, but he knows of him. And yeah, he knew that I was in a relationship - as is he. It's terrible what we've done but if he's not ready to admit his wrongs, is it right for me to do it for him? That's not even mentioning that it would cost me my job. 

It's just such a horrendous web of stuff, I get that people are saying that being open about what's happened is the right thing to do but there'd be so much colatteral damage. I sincerely don't believe it's a black & white thing.

Thanks for the link, I'll read it now.


----------



## KathyBatesel

Cheryl88 said:


> I'm only getting married once & I want it to be to the man I love.


If this is how you feel, you have to give him the chance to accept and love you the way you are, warts and all. 

As others have said, there *is* a good chance he will eventually find out. There have been a number of threads on here from people who discovered many years later about a spouse's long-ago infidelity. It can and does destroy relationships. If you want to make your marriage immune from that, you have to find a way to take the risk and let him know. It's risky for you, but not for him. It's painful for both of you, but it opens the door to a greater intimacy if he *does* accept it. 

One of the things you can say to him that might ease this... You can tell him that you weren't always so committed to the relationship (which he already knows) but now that you know you are, you want to make sure you have transparency and openness in the relationship. Let him know that this is the reason you're about to tell him something painful, and that you're scared to death to tell him because you know it will hurt him and might make him hate you, but that you are making a commitment to never treat him badly again by bringing it up. Then tell him what happened. 

Yes, he'll want names, so to demonstrate that you are being honest, be prepared to tell him everything. I would not give the other guy a head's up about it. I would offer to go with him if he wanted to ask the other guy questions and I'd encourage the other guy to tell the truth. (I'd seek my guy's agreement not to get into a physical fight if I was worried he might.)

BE COOPERATIVE in helping him get his needs met. Put his needs first and above all others.


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## Caribbean Man

Cheryl,
I am tying to put myself in your shoes. I understand your delimma.
You think you love this man ,and that he is the husband of your dreams.
But your past is pricking your conscience.
That's a good sign.
It means you actually have a good conscience.
What you are looking for is a way to handle this problem and win.
In reality, such a way does not exist.
There are consequences to actions.
Your boyfriend loves you.
Maybe you should tell him , when he proposes or before he proposes that you need some time to work on yourself. Tell him that you did things that were wrong which you hold great remorse for. Tell him that you need counselling, and he is not obligated to stay with you if he no longer trusts you. Tell him you know what you did was wrong and that you really want to ensure that it never happens again when you two get married.
Take some time off to work on yourself


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## thatbpguy

KathyBatesel said:


> If this is how you feel, you have to give him the chance to accept and love you the way you are, warts and all.


Right now, all you want him to see is a fake person you're portraying yourself as. This won't last- and then where will you be?


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## curlysue321

The past is the past. If you know that you will absolutely be faithful from this point on I don't see any reason to bring up the past. You may lose the man you love if you do.


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## Thor

Cheryl88 said:


> But I will be a faithful wife, I've got no doubt about that. There's absolutely no need to sound so judgemental, life isn't as simple as that. Surely people deserve another chance?
> 
> I know what you're saying, but I'm absolutely terrified of him leaving me. Surely not every marriage is the same? What good is there in breaking his heart by telling him about things that will have no impact on our future?
> 
> I have absolutely no idea what to do.


Without reading the other 2 pages I want to respond to this.

First, he has the right to know the real you. You believe you have changed and will never cheat again, but he still has the right to make an informed decision about his own future. The fact is you did the things you did, and fair or not there are possible consequences including this man not wanting to risk marrying you.

I believe you that you have changed and have no intention of ever cheating.

The problem is the deception. There are things my wife lied to me about and deceived and hid from the beginning which I have now found out about 30 years later. All of those things she did are not deal killers, but the lies and deceptions are going to kill our marriage. Because I know she kept important information from me in order to protect her own desired outcome. She valued her own concerns far more than mine.

So how can I now believe she will be honest with me or put our joint best interests ahead of her own desires?

She said the same thing to me that you just did, she did not want to hurt me. She also said she was afraid I would make the wrong decision.


----------



## thatbpguy

curlysue321 said:


> The past is the past. If you know that you will absolutely be faithful from this point on I don't see any reason to bring up the past. You may lose the man you love if you do.


But what happens when he does find out? Will it be better then or now to have it out in the open?


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## Caribbean Man

Thor said:


> I believe you that you have changed and have no intention of ever cheating.


:iagree:

I have read the entire thread, and I believe she is honest in her intentions.
I also think the boyfriend loves her quite a lot and would be willing to forgive her, if she genuinely wants to work on it
In the end, it would make their relationship stronger.


----------



## thatbpguy

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have read the entire thread, and I believe she is honest in her intentions.
> I also think the boyfriend loves her quite a lot and would be willing to forgive her, if she genuinely wants to work on it
> *In the end, it would make their relationship stronger.*


Yes. It beats living a lie for the man you love.


----------



## lonesomegra

Cheryl88 I think to start with you should give some more details of what you regard as crossing your BF's boundaries. If you can't go into detail of what happened here on an anonymous forum then its highly unlikely you can say these things directly to him. 

You can use here as a sounding board. If you know your man's character then you will get some responses here that might reflect his side of things.

Why the break up? Has he a past you wish to know about? Is there any reason you could not propose to him? - Just some questions to ponder.

One little trick - sometimes for me building up a confession to sound really, really bad prior to the confession can soften the blow. Showing remorse in a love language your BF understands can also help.

I hope it works out for you!


----------



## Thor

thatbpguy said:


> Yes. It beats living a lie for the man you love.


:iagree: Secrets eat away at the soul.

If you still work with or for this other man, you need to change jobs. Your boyfriend most likely will find out about this affair even if you don't tell him, and if you still work there it will not be believable that the affair ended.

I believe if you approach this strategically you can have a good chance at a great marriage. Imagine no secrets. Imagine he knows the worst and still loves you. Why not strive for that? 

Contrast it with living in fear every day that somebody reveals the affair to your husband. Imagine 15 years from now the other man's wife finds out and then tells your husband.

There are a lot of resources out there for you to access. Books, websites, and therapists. I suggest you start with a book called "After the Affair" which describes how both people react. I also suggest a counselor. You should explore why you've cheated in the past, and then with guidance you can reveal to your boyfriend in the safe supportive therapeutic environment of the therapist's office.

Believe it or not, most of us here are hoping you and your boyfriend have a long successful marriage.


----------



## woman

I'm sorry but there really isn't a way around it. You need to tell him before you get engaged. 

It will continue to eat away at you and the stress of deceiving him every day will prevent you from having an authentic relationship with him.

Good luck. I don't mean to be judgmental, but if you're going to be together for the rest of your lives, you can't carry this around. It will destroy your relationship one way or another if you try and keep it from him.


----------



## oldgeezer

KathyBatesel said:


> Yep, but in a great relationship temptation doesn't even raise its ugly head.


Nonsense. 

You can let your guard down at any time. 

Besides, even great relationships have their moments. 

It's these kind of generalizations that make people think that they're unworthy of love or a relationship because they're human.


----------



## larry.gray

curlysue321 said:


> The past is the past. If you know that you will absolutely be faithful from this point on I don't see any reason to bring up the past. You may lose the man you love if you do.


Because the other *men* are still in her life. That means it may come out eventually. If it does post marriage it will destroy the family they've created. He will feel his entire life is based on a lie.


----------



## Cheryl88

Last night at work I tried to test the water a little bit by hinting to the guy I've been with in the past that I was thinking about telling my bf the truth, I was instantly shot down though. There's no chance in hell that he'd want to be honest to his wife, he's got too much to lose. It's exactly what I was expecting his response to be but it does make it even more complicated than it already was & gives me even more to think about. 



curlysue321 said:


> The past is the past. If you know that you will absolutely be faithful from this point on I don't see any reason to bring up the past. You may lose the man you love if you do.


This is exactly what I've been thinking. Why does the past have to have ANY impact on our future? I know for a fact that we'd be happy together for the rest of our lives which is why I'm terrifed at jeapordising that now just by being honest. I'm still so torn about what to do. 



Thor said:


> She said the same thing to me that you just did, she did not want to hurt me. She also said she was afraid I would make the wrong decision.


Were you not able to understand that point of view? If you know for a fact that you're meant to be together, and know for a fact that whatever has gone on in the past won't happen again, then is it really so black & white that the truth HAS to be told? I understand what people have been saying, I really do, but it obviously also has the potential to ruin BOTH of our lives.

I absolutely 100% admit that this is all my fault but no matter what I've done in the past, it was never anything to do with my bf - I have always & will always love him. I've just made totally meaningless & pointless mistakes but surely the most important thing is I've learned from them & will categorically never repeat them? 



Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have read the entire thread, and I believe she is honest in her intentions.
> I also think the boyfriend loves her quite a lot and would be willing to forgive her, if she genuinely wants to work on it
> In the end, it would make their relationship stronger.


I cannot describe to you how much I hope that you're right. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me.



Thor said:


> If you still work with or for this other man, you need to change jobs. Your boyfriend most likely will find out about this affair even if you don't tell him, and if you still work there it will not be believable that the affair ended.
> 
> I believe if you approach this strategically you can have a good chance at a great marriage. Imagine no secrets. Imagine he knows the worst and still loves you. Why not strive for that?
> 
> Contrast it with living in fear every day that somebody reveals the affair to your husband. Imagine 15 years from now the other man's wife finds out and then tells your husband.
> 
> There are a lot of resources out there for you to access. Books, websites, and therapists. I suggest you start with a book called "After the Affair" which describes how both people react. I also suggest a counselor. You should explore why you've cheated in the past, and then with guidance you can reveal to your boyfriend in the safe supportive therapeutic environment of the therapist's office.
> 
> Believe it or not, most of us here are hoping you and your boyfriend have a long successful marriage.


I didn't think it'd be an issue still working for him but now we're getting engaged it's changed things & I do agree with you. I'm going to do my best to cut any ties with that part of my past. It's the only thing to do.

My heart is just bursting at what you've just said in that 2nd paragraph, I want nothing in the world more than that. I wish I had it in me to do it right now put I can't help but think of the absolute worst case scenario as well, I can't lose him.

And thanks for the last sentence. x


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Cheryl88 said:


> Last night at work I tried to test the water a little bit by hinting to the guy I've been with in the past that I was thinking about telling my bf the truth, I was instantly shot down though. There's no chance in hell that he'd want to be honest to his wife, he's got too much to lose. It's exactly what I was expecting his response to be but it does make it even more complicated than it already was & gives me even more to think about.


Here is why people question whether you have changed or if you are marriage material. Who is you loyalty to, the OM or your BF? Because right now, it is to the OM. You are more worried about him then you are about your BF. That you still talk to him sends up huge red flags. You say you would never cheat, yet still retain a relationship with the OM. Why? Why are his feelings important, but your BF's feelings something to ignore?



> This is exactly what I've been thinking. Why does the past have to have ANY impact on our future? I know for a fact that we'd be happy together for the rest of our lives which is why I'm terrifed at jeapordising that now just by being honest. I'm still so torn about what to do.


Because it is not in the past. Your cheating has not been dealt with. Its like saying that not nowing about the cancer is no big deal.

Plus, you are still talking to the OM. You are maintaining a relationship with him. If your BF found out, do you think he would believe that nothing is going on? Of course not. If you have changed, why are you still around this piece of crap? Doesn't being around him make you ashamed of what you did?



> Were you not able to understand that point of view? If you know for a fact that you're meant to be together, and know for a fact that whatever has gone on in the past won't happen again, then is it really so black & white that the truth HAS to be told? I understand what people have been saying, I really do, but it obviously also has the potential to ruin BOTH of our lives.


Why do you view him as a child? He has the right to determine what is best for his life. You don't get to lie to him "for his own good." There is no end to that path.



> I absolutely 100% admit that this is all my fault but no matter what I've done in the past, it was never anything to do with my bf - I have always & will always love him. I've just made totally meaningless & pointless mistakes but surely the most important thing is I've learned from them & will categorically never repeat them?


Except you seem to keep repeating them. You continue a relationship with the OM despite your love for you BF. It may not be a sexual relationship, but I don't think you BF would believe that if he found out. So why do you do it?



> I didn't think it'd be an issue still working for him but now we're getting engaged it's changed things & I do agree with you. I'm going to do my best to cut any ties with that part of my past. It's the only thing to do.
> 
> My heart is just bursting at what you've just said in that 2nd paragraph, I want nothing in the world more than that. I wish I had it in me to do it right now put I can't help but think of the absolute worst case scenario as well, I can't lose him.
> 
> And thanks for the last sentence. x


So why is engagement different? Again, if you are so changed, why are you hanging out with a guy like this. Why do you talk to him. Why did you not change jobs and get away from him? 

I don't know if you have changed or not. Unfortunately, the actions you describe are not consistent with someone who has really changed. You need to work on that.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Time out guys. If I read this thread correctly, the OP admitted that she slept with someone else 4 years ago while she and her BF were separated (broke up?). Is it really cheating if she hopped into someone's bed shortly after a break up? This behavior can be called out for what it is - being loose, easy, slvtty, but I wouldn't call this cheating. She confessed this to the BF, but was he truly upset because she "cheated" on him or was it more of the fact that he didn't like knowing that you were with someone else sexually besides him?


She admitted that she also cheated (not in so many words, but she has not disagreed with that characterization) after they got back together. He does not know about that.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Plan 9 from OS said:


> True, but she called this one issue that her BF knows about as cheating when it was clearly a break up. Until the OP answers and states that she slept with other men while she was supposed to be in a committed relationship with her BF, I'll be on the fence. Simply too little info to go on right now.


From her own posts:


> The problem is that I would feel sort of wrong marrying him with him not knowing that I've not always been faithful in the past.





> To give the full story, he knows I cheated on him about 4 years ago which was when we broke up. We were only apart for a few months though & have been together ever since. *He doesn't know that I've made mistakes since then*, which is why I'm even more terrified of letting him know the truth.





> We probably got back together too soon after the initial break-up, we were both younger - I'm a different person now. It feels like I've only recently fully got my life in a place where I like it & I understand what I want now. *I KNOW I will not cheat again, *it's just not even a temptation - that's not the issue. The issue is whether or not to tell the man I love & want to marry about the past.


She sure seems to admit it is cheating. Not sure what else is needed.


----------



## Cheryl88

Tall Average Guy said:


> Here is why people question whether you have changed or if you are marriage material. Who is you loyalty to, the OM or your BF? Because right now, it is to the OM. You are more worried about him then you are about your BF. That you still talk to him sends up huge red flags. You say you would never cheat, yet still retain a relationship with the OM. Why? Why are his feelings important, but your BF's feelings something to ignore?
> 
> 
> 
> Because it is not in the past. Your cheating has not been dealt with. Its like saying that not nowing about the cancer is no big deal.
> 
> Plus, you are still talking to the OM. You are maintaining a relationship with him. If your BF found out, do you think he would believe that nothing is going on? Of course not. If you have changed, why are you still around this piece of crap? Doesn't being around him make you ashamed of what you did?
> 
> 
> 
> Why do you view him as a child? He has the right to determine what is best for his life. You don't get to lie to him "for his own good." There is no end to that path.
> 
> 
> 
> Except you seem to keep repeating them. You continue a relationship with the OM despite your love for you BF. It may not be a sexual relationship, but I don't think you BF would believe that if he found out. So why do you do it?
> 
> 
> 
> So why is engagement different? Again, if you are so changed, why are you hanging out with a guy like this. Why do you talk to him. Why did you not change jobs and get away from him?
> 
> I don't know if you have changed or not. Unfortunately, the actions you describe are not consistent with someone who has really changed. You need to work on that.


Para1: That's not even a question, I don't even have any feelings let alone any loyalty to the 'OM'. I'm not a bad person though, just because I'm feeling guilt about my own situation doesn't mean I want to mess up other people's lives. Please don't judge me because I couldn't feel any lower about this than I already do, but he's married with kids... what have those kids done to deserve their parents splitting up because I decide I have to tell my bf the truth? I'm very very aware of the colatteral damage, like I've said earlier. 

I don't retain a relationship with him like that, he's my boss at where I work so I really don't have a choice. I'm going to cut all the ties I have with that part of my past though. 

Para4: I'm not treating him like a child, I just sincerely can't stand the thought of him being hurt. I love him with all of my heart. 

Para5: No, it's unfair to say I keep on repeating them - I've changed & I'm in the happiest place in my life that I've ever been. It seems like I'm repeating myself but I truly have grown up & I know 100% that I won't ever make the mistakes I made in the past again. I'm with the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, it really is as simple as that. I feel so bad when I think that I've put all this at risk in the past.

Para6: Its not that simple is it? If I thought that me keeping my job at this moment was having an impact on my relationship, I'd quit tomorrow. There are hardly any jobs around though & god knows how long it'd take for me to get another one, that's the reason I haven't left while I don't think its doing any harm. Like I've said though, Im gonna be cutting all ties totally. 

And being engaged does change things, its a commitment of love & proof that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. That's all I want at the end of all of this.



Tall Average Guy said:


> From her own posts:
> 
> She sure seems to admit it is cheating. Not sure what else is needed.


I've already held my hands up that I've made mistakes in the past & how gut wrenchingly bad I feel about them right now. I don't think going into the details is necessary, I don't want to dwell on the past - its all about OUR future together.


----------



## VFW

Cheryl, I am not here to cast stones as I have made more than my share of mistakes in life. I don't think you are a bad person for making a mistake. You have owned up to this forum, which isn't easy. The forum tends to hold your feet to the fire, so to speak. My real concern is IF he would find out and his perception then verses knowing the information up front. Bad news never gets better with age and the truth always has a way of surfacing in the end.

I don't know your man except what you have shared, but you seem to think he would bolt and run. This may be fear on your part or do you really think that he would run at the first sign of trouble? IF you two really had broken up then their may be mitigating circumstances, but I still think he deserves honesty here. I AM NOT telling you to spill the beans. That has to be your decision, its just that a relationship that is not based on honesty has a tough row to hoe.

PS: Don't consult with your cohort in crime. He has a vested interest in you lying, he does not have YOUR best interest at heart. Listening to him is what got you in this mess in the first place.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Cheryl88 said:


> Para1: That's not even a question, I don't even have any feelings let alone any loyalty to the 'OM'. I'm not a bad person though, just because I'm feeling guilt about my own situation doesn't mean I want to mess up other people's lives. Please don't judge me because I couldn't feel any lower about this than I already do, but he's married with kids... what have those kids done to deserve their parents splitting up because I decide I have to tell my bf the truth? I'm very very aware of the colatteral damage, like I've said earlier.


Why do you care about the OM? You keep saying you have changed, but yet you are equally as concerned about him being hurt as your BF. Frankly, your sole concern should be about your BF's hurt. As far as their parents splitting up, that is on you, but it is also on him. He could have said no.



> I don't retain a relationship with him like that, he's my boss at where I work so I really don't have a choice. I'm going to cut all the ties I have with that part of my past though.


So you cheated with him, but then continued to stick around and interact with him? I have no reason to doubt that you have done nothing inappropriate with him since, but don't you see how that looks? If you BF cheated on you, but then continued to interact with the OW, how would you feel? Would that be okay? I don't think so. You need to put yourself in you BF's shoes and think about how will perceive things.

Also, what are the chances that others at work don't know about the two of you? These things are never as secret as you think.



> Para4: I'm not treating him like a child, I just sincerely can't stand the thought of him being hurt. I love him with all of my heart.


But you are. You are deciding what he needs to know and when he needs to know it. You are making decisions assuming you know what is best for him without his input. I do that for my children. I don't do that for my wife.



> Para5: No, it's unfair to say I keep on repeating them - I've changed & I'm in the happiest place in my life that I've ever been. It seems like I'm repeating myself but I truly have grown up & I know 100% that I won't ever make the mistakes I made in the past again. I'm with the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, it really is as simple as that. I feel so bad when I think that I've put all this at risk in the past.


You may not have slept with someone again, but you continue the dishonesty, as well as keeping a relationship with your affair partner. You worry as much about the OM as you do about you BF. I don't see those as good choices. I see them as evidence that you still have a ways to go.



> Para6: Its not that simple is it? If I thought that me keeping my job at this moment was having an impact on my relationship, I'd quit tomorrow. There are hardly any jobs around though & god knows how long it'd take for me to get another one, that's the reason I haven't left while I don't think its doing any harm. Like I've said though, Im gonna be cutting all ties totally.


Here is the thing - you screwed up, but don't want to pay the price in any way. You don't want to tell your BF, you don't want to change jobs, you don't want to stop talking to the OM. So while you say you have changed, it comes across as you wanting to waive your hands and make it all just go away. It does not work that way - there is no "Easy" button in life. Doing the right thing at this point is going to mean some real sacrifices on your part. Are you willing to actually do that, or do you just want to continue the easy way.



> And being engaged does change things, its a commitment of love & proof that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. That's all I want at the end of all of this.
> 
> I've already held my hands up that I've made mistakes in the past & how gut wrenchingly bad I feel about them right now. I don't think going into the details is necessary, I don't want to dwell on the past - its all about OUR future together.


To be clear, I am not interested in the details beyond us all understanding that you cheated and helping address that. I will say that by not giving him the full story, he is not engaging in your future. He is not being given that choice.


----------



## KathyBatesel

I'm just now seeing about the OM being your boss and married, Cheryl. I think TAG hits the nail on the head.

By protecting the OM's family, you're putting him and them ahead of your boyfriend's best interests. I sincerely hope you do not get engaged if you don't understand how to put your husband and partner ahead of ALL others, just like it says in the marital vows. True, they don't deserve to feel pain because of you and their dad, but neither does your man. YOU and OM made that a very real possibility when you messed around, though, and at some point the piper will get paid.


----------



## east2west

TAG is right you care more about the OM and his marital peace than you do about being honest with your future husband.

What all cheating spouses have in common is a willingness to lie to deceive the person they should treat with the highest possible respect. And you have this in spades. 

Cheryl, the only thing that has changed is your mood and it will change again.


----------



## east2west

Also, you should start looking for a new job.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

The fact is, if you're not willing to hurt the OM to do right by your BF, then you certainly ARE putting him ahead, and showing more loyalty to him.

And if you were my girl, I would never for one instant believe that you weren't still cheating based on the fact that you work with him every day. Talking on a daily basis to a man you had sex with = cheating in and of itself. You are cheating this very minute by the shear virtue of continuing to work for him and by protecting him over the well being of your BF.

You say everything is great now so you won't cheat. But relationships have ups and downs. What happens when things aren't that great. Your history shows that when things aren't going well, you cheat. And worse, you cheat with your boss who you have to keep spending time with even if you stop effing him.


----------



## woman

Cheryl88 said:


> I've already held my hands up that I've made mistakes in the past & how gut wrenchingly bad I feel about them right now. I don't think going into the details is necessary, I don't want to dwell on the past - its all about OUR future together.


How many?


----------



## Cheryl88

VFW said:


> I don't know your man except what you have shared, but you seem to think he would bolt and run. This may be fear on your part or do you really think that he would run at the first sign of trouble? IF you two really had broken up then their may be mitigating circumstances, but I still think he deserves honesty here. I AM NOT telling you to spill the beans. That has to be your decision, its just that a relationship that is not based on honesty has a tough row to hoe.
> 
> PS: Don't consult with your cohort in crime. He has a vested interest in you lying, he does not have YOUR best interest at heart. Listening to him is what got you in this mess in the first place.


Obviously him leaving is what I’m terrified of because I know how crushed he’d be. He’s forgiven me once before (when we first got back together), but I have absolutely no idea how he’d react this time. I’d love to think he’d be able to forgive me but I can’t get past the thoughts of what if he doesn’t, especially when I know we’re so close to spending the rest of our lives together. 

I think you’re right about that last part as well, I don’t know what I was hoping for but its clear that he doesn’t feel the guilt or remorse that I do. 




Tall Average Guy said:


> Why do you care about the OM? You keep saying you have changed, but yet you are equally as concerned about him being hurt as your BF. Frankly, your sole concern should be about your BF's hurt. As far as their parents splitting up, that is on you, but it is also on him. He could have said no.
> 
> So you cheated with him, but then continued to stick around and interact with him? I have no reason to doubt that you have done nothing inappropriate with him since, but don't you see how that looks? If you BF cheated on you, but then continued to interact with the OW, how would you feel? Would that be okay? I don't think so. You need to put yourself in you BF's shoes and think about how will perceive things.
> 
> Also, what are the chances that others at work don't know about the two of you? These things are never as secret as you think.
> 
> But you are. You are deciding what he needs to know and when he needs to know it. You are making decisions assuming you know what is best for him without his input. I do that for my children. I don't do that for my wife.
> 
> You may not have slept with someone again, but you continue the dishonesty, as well as keeping a relationship with your affair partner. You worry as much about the OM as you do about you BF. I don't see those as good choices. I see them as evidence that you still have a ways to go.
> 
> Here is the thing - you screwed up, but don't want to pay the price in any way. You don't want to tell your BF, you don't want to change jobs, you don't want to stop talking to the OM. So while you say you have changed, it comes across as you wanting to waive your hands and make it all just go away. It does not work that way - there is no "Easy" button in life. Doing the right thing at this point is going to mean some real sacrifices on your part. Are you willing to actually do that, or do you just want to continue the easy way.
> 
> To be clear, I am not interested in the details beyond us all understanding that you cheated and helping address that. I will say that by not giving him the full story, he is not engaging in your future. He is not being given that choice.


I can’t stress it enough that I have ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS for the ‘OM’, would it not have looked weird had I just randomly quit my job? I’ve just tried to get on with life as normally as possible. I’ve also got to say that I’m not protecting him either, its his kids that I’m thinking about. I’m not a bad person & I’m just trying to do what I think the least destructive way to go where they’re concerned – or that’s what’s in my head at the minute anyway. 

I know that I eventually have to leave, I get that its not healthy seeing him so frequently. As for other people at work knowing, if they do they haven’t told me but I have thought the same myself. When I’m engaged, I’m leaving. 

I just want to move on from this nightmare situation, and even now I don’t think its totally clear what the best way to do that is. If I was to tell him and he leaves me, who wins out of that? We both lose badly & I don’t think Id ever get over it. 



east2west said:


> TAG is right you care more about the OM and his marital peace than you do about being honest with your future husband.
> 
> What all cheating spouses have in common is a willingness to lie to deceive the person they should treat with the highest possible respect. And you have this in spades.
> 
> Cheryl, the only thing that has changed is your mood and it will change again.


That is so unfair and massively wrong, I’m not that person that you’re describing. I’ve made mistakes IN THE PAST and Im trying to do the right thing so that we can spend the rest of our lives happily together. 

Like I said before, I don’t care about the OM because Im not some total ***** I genuinely do care about his kids – I don’t want to have had anything to do with their parents splitting up. I’m trying to find what is the right thing to do and, honestly, I’m struggling. 

I will never go back to the person that I have been. I can promise that from the bottom of my heart, I don’t understand why some people don’t believe that? People do change and I have, I know what I want now & I know what I have now. I already felt this way before I found the engagement ring as well before anyone says that’s the only reason.



WorkingOnMe said:


> The fact is, if you're not willing to hurt the OM to do right by your BF, then you certainly ARE putting him ahead, and showing more loyalty to him.
> 
> And if you were my girl, I would never for one instant believe that you weren't still cheating based on the fact that you work with him every day. Talking on a daily basis to a man you had sex with = cheating in and of itself. You are cheating this very minute by the shear virtue of continuing to work for him and by protecting him over the well being of your BF.
> 
> You say everything is great now so you won't cheat. But relationships have ups and downs. What happens when things aren't that great. Your history shows that when things aren't going well, you cheat. And worse, you cheat with your boss who you have to keep spending time with even if you stop effing him.


I know in myself that I won’t cheat again, I know that 100% without any doubt at all. It just won’t happen, I’m not that person anymore. I can only prove that with time but I know it in my heart. 



woman said:


> How many?


I don’t think that has anything to do with anything, surely all that matters is that it’s the past? I’ve gotta stress as well that never at any point have I ever even considered anything other than being with my bf forever, I’ve always loved him & anything I’ve done previously was nothing to do with my feelings towards him.


----------



## east2west

Cheryl88 said:


> I’m trying to find what is the right thing to do and, honestly, I’m struggling.


Of all the people that have posted here I think you are the only one struggling with this question. That should tell you something.



> I will never go back to the person that I have been. I can promise that from the bottom of my heart, I don’t understand why some people don’t believe that?


Because we read these boards and know how cheaters think; they will find any and every way to rationalize more deception. 



> People do change and I have, I know what I want now & I know what I have now.


Change is about your actions not your words. What actions demonstrate the change you have made?


----------



## woman

Cheryl88 said:


> I don’t think that has anything to do with anything, platitudes.


I think the number is important, especially if it's more than once. Once can probably be excused as a mistake, but more than once, and it's a pattern. 

Assuming it was more than once: You would have gone through all the guilt and self loathing you're experiencing now, immediately following the first occurence, yet for whatever reason it became okay for you to repeat the unfaithfulness. I think that's a problem, and this is why I believe he should be made aware. 

Serious question, please be honest with yourself. You don't have to answer here, but think about it: Would you want to know if he cheated on you to the same extent? 

If it was once, well it's bad, but some people might be able to forgive it and move on.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

The number one rule of reconciliation is NO CONTACT. None. None at all. That means no saying hi at the grocery store, no looking up his pictures on Facebook, no postcards, no emails. A betrayed partner cannot stand for any contact. And yet here you are, in contact every day. You SAY that you have no feelings for him at all. But that just doesn't matter. What's rule number one? NO CONTACT. Since you are consciously breaking rule number one on a daily basis, I consider your actions to be continued cheating. And if I had 10 minutes with your man, he'd be convinced of the same. So no, this is not something in your past. It's right now. And you've done NOTHING to fix it. You'll be going to work again tomorrow, right? And you're still protecting your affair partner's secret, right?


----------



## Cheryl88

east2west said:


> Because we read these boards and know how cheaters think; they will find any and every way to rationalize more deception.
> 
> Change is about your actions not your words. What actions demonstrate the change you have made?


Surely the most obvious/important action is the fact that I've not so much as looked at another man in the last 6 months. I know that only time will prove it, but I've had a total change in my outlook & I just need the chance to prove it.

And just because you know "how cheaters think" doesn't mean you know how I think. It's not like being a cheat is my defining characteristic, I find that pretty offensive. Every case will be different, one size doesn't fit all.



woman said:


> I think the number is important, especially if it's more than once. Once can probably be excused as a mistake, but more than once, and it's a pattern.
> 
> Assuming it was more than once: You would have gone through all the guilt and self loathing you're experiencing now, immediately following the first occurence, yet for whatever reason it became okay for you to repeat the unfaithfulness. I think that's a problem, and this is why I believe he should be made aware.
> 
> Serious question, please be honest with yourself. You don't have to answer here, but think about it: Would you want to know if he cheated on you to the same extent?
> 
> If it was once, well it's bad, but some people might be able to forgive it and move on.


I don't think the number is important because I was in a totally different place in my head to where I am now, I've got a totally different mindset now and, I hate to repeat myself, but I've grown up & want nothing else but to marry the man I love. 

I'm not in anyway excusing what I've been like, but I'm simply not that person anymore. I just want to spend the rest of my life with the bf and make him happy. 



WorkingOnMe said:


> The number one rule of reconciliation is NO CONTACT. None. None at all. That means no saying hi at the grocery store, no looking up his pictures on Facebook, no postcards, no emails. A betrayed partner cannot stand for any contact. And yet here you are, in contact every day. You SAY that you have no feelings for him at all. But that just doesn't matter. What's rule number one? NO CONTACT. Since you are consciously breaking rule number one on a daily basis, I consider your actions to be continued cheating. And if I had 10 minutes with your man, he'd be convinced of the same. So no, this is not something in your past. It's right now. And you've done NOTHING to fix it. You'll be going to work again tomorrow, right? And you're still protecting your affair partner's secret, right?


I don't just SAY I have no feelings for him at all, I mean it - it's the total truth. If it wasn't for the fact I have to see him at my work, I would've never seen him again & been happy about it. 

How can simply going to work be considered "continued cheating" - that's just not true. I'm getting on with my life, it just so happens that I have to occasionally see him. Surely rule number 1 would be to be faithful? And that I can now say I have been since I sorted myself out and will always be.

I've already explained that its not him that Im interested in protecting, its his kids. I'm just trying to do the right thing, or as close to it as is possible.


----------



## woman

When did your mindset change? What was the catalyst for this turnaround? Don't say it was because you realised you wanted to be with him forever. Really, what was it?

At the very least, you should look for another job. 

I believe that people change, but not out of nowhere, which is why I asked the question above. Also, you're not taking responsibility for your actions, but that's already been said. You say you are, and offering platitudes, but you're really not until you come clean.

I also don't believe you care about his children, you're hiding behind them. Not saying this to be horrible, but I don't prioritise children I don't know in my day to day life, and I figure most people don't.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

6 months lol. You have no idea how wrong you are. You think your not cheating because you don't have feeling for him? You are cheating. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. And if you're not cheating you should have no problem telling your man. 

I suspect the reason you don't expose him is because you don't want to get dumped.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

woman said:


> When did your mindset change? What was the catalyst for this turnaround? Don't say it was because you realised you wanted to be with him forever. Really, what was it?
> 
> At the very least, you should look for another job.
> 
> I believe that people change, but not out of nowhere, which is why I asked the question above. Also, you're not taking responsibility for your actions, but that's already been said. You say you are, and offering platitudes, but you're really not until you come clean.
> 
> I also don't believe you care about his children. Not saying this to be horrible, but I don't prioritise children I don't know in my day to day life, and I figure most people don't.


Don't let her fool you. Nothing has changed. Certainly not her. She's still cheating. She just has her eyes on the big rock and doesn't want to lose out. There's no responsibility for her actions. No introspection.


----------



## woman

Yeah it sounds like her change of heart happened when she found the ring and imagined having a wedding...  

OP, did you feel awful the first time? What's different now?


----------



## heavensangel

Learning your affair was/is with your boss, I have to wonder if one of the reasons you're so hesitant to be honest is, in addition to losing your bf, your job will, in all likelihood, be at stake as well. Most companies frown on relationships between employees and/or supervisors and depending on whether or not your boss has any kind of public image requirements, he may be out of a job as well.


----------



## Cheryl88

woman said:


> When did your mindset change? What was the catalyst for this turnaround? Don't say it was because you realised you wanted to be with him forever. Really, what was it?
> 
> At the very least, you should look for another job.
> 
> I believe that people change, but not out of nowhere, which is why I asked the question above. Also, you're not taking responsibility for your actions, but that's already been said. You say you are, and offering platitudes, but you're really not until you come clean.
> 
> I also don't believe you care about his children, you're hiding behind them. Not saying this to be horrible, but I don't prioritise children I don't know in my day to day life, and I figure most people don't.


I realised I didn’t like where my life was going or how I was behaving, I had a heart to heart with my parents & they made it seem pretty clear to me. Believe it or not, I actually am a nice person – I hated how I was deceiving the one person in life that I’m closest to. I had felt like I was stuck in a bit of a rut and I needed to break the cycle. I’ve done that now, I’m happier in myself & I’m happier in my life. I don’t want to ever go back to who I was then. 

I totally appreciate that long term my job is untenable, whether or not I decide to open up to him about the past. I will sort that out, my job’s completely insignificant in comparison to my relationship. 

How can’t you care about the fact he has kids? That almost makes me feel as guilty as anything. All I want to do is find the best case scenario with me inflicting the least amount of damage possible on people that don’t deserve it. 



WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't let her fool you. Nothing has changed. Certainly not her. She's still cheating. She just has her eyes on the big rock and doesn't want to lose out. There's no responsibility for her actions. No introspection.


How can you even talk about me like that? You couldn’t be more wrong, I’m not the person that you’re trying to paint me as. Life isn’t simple, people will make mistakes – anybody who says otherwise is a liar. What is important is that I totally 100% acknowledge I’ve done wrong & feel terrible about it & have CHANGED. 

Who do you think you are to say I’ve just got eyes on the “big rock”? Do you know how offensive that is? Have you not read the rest of this thread? You obviously nothing about me, I am nothing like that and am being totally sincere in everything I’ve said. I LOVE my boyfriend with every ounce of my body. 




heavensangel said:


> Learning your affair was/is with your boss, I have to wonder if one of the reasons you're so hesitant to be honest is, in addition to losing your bf, your job will, in all likelihood, be at stake as well. Most companies frown on relationships between employees and/or supervisors and depending on whether or not your boss has any kind of public image requirements, he may be out of a job as well.


I’ve accepted I can’t stay in my job long term, I will sort that out. Either I have to go or he has to go, which means that I’ll be the one moving on.


----------



## larry.gray

Cheryl88 said:


> I’ve accepted I can’t stay in my job long term, I will sort that out. Either I have to go or he has to go, which means that I’ll be the one moving on.


Why? He's a scumbag that sleeps with subordinates. He should be fired.


----------



## Pepper123

You will have to live with that lie for the rest of your life. Know that when you have a happy moment you will think back to your past deception, and it will cloud your happiness. I am not saying you won't be faithful or that you should tell him, I'm just asking you to really consider what it will feel like to live with that in your past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## woman

It's good that you've talked to your parents. Do they know everything?

I made the comment about the kids because you're saying 'won't someone think of the children?' to justify not telling your boyfriend. IMO the kids thing is horrible, but it's for your AP to worry about, not you.

And yes, it's an awful situation with lots of collateral damage, but your top priority needs to be your boyfriend.

If you can't/won't tell him, and it seems like that, you really really really need to find another job pronto*. Not 'in the long term I have to leave'. You need to start looking today. Quit with nothing else to go to if you can't find anything. Something else will come along.

*I still think you should tell him, but it doesn't seem like you will.

Also, Pepper hit the nail on the head above.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, I don't think you're a bad person, you've just done some ****ty things and _need to fix them_.


----------



## keko

I feel bad for the bf.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## larry.gray

keko said:


> I feel bad for the bf.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Even worse for scumbag's unknowing wife.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Cheryl88 said:


> What is important is that I totally 100% acknowledge I’ve done wrong & feel terrible about it & have CHANGED.


You've only acknowledged to a bunch of Internet strangers. And you won't even say how many. So no, you're not acknowledging 100% to us. And not even 1% to your man. You see, you're not doing what you yourself think is important let alone what your bf thinks is important. How exactly is that change?


----------



## Thor

Cheryl your rationalizations are exactly what my qife told herself then, and what she told me last year. No chearing but she seriously misrepresented her history and she hid impoortant information.

I feel our entire 30 year marriage was built on lies annd a shhamm. I feel humiliated aand disrespected. I caannot feel trust now.

She killed our marriage but it took 30 years. I am angry she took my choice from me and it cost me 30 years ofy life.

She intended to take the secrets to her grave but she lost control of the information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102

Face it, people-Cheryl is scared.

Scared that her BF will indeed find out
Scared that the wedding will be off
Scared that her friends will laugh at her
Scared that the OM will get away with it
Scared that she will get fired
Scared that she will no longer have that "perfect" guy to brag about to her friends
Scared that the dream of her super-expensive dream wedding is over
Scared that she will look "bad"


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Cheryl88 said:


> I can’t stress it enough that I have ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS for the ‘OM’, would it not have looked weird had I just randomly quit my job? I’ve just tried to get on with life as normally as possible. I’ve also got to say that I’m not protecting him either, its his kids that I’m thinking about. I’m not a bad person & I’m just trying to do what I think the least destructive way to go where they’re concerned – or that’s what’s in my head at the minute anyway.


Yet you essentially consulted him first about telling your BF. Why is that?

As far as randomly quitting your job, I would think that the disgust over what you did and working so close with the OM would have caused you to start looking else where. That you did not begs the questions of how much you have changed.

I am not saying you are a bad person. I don't know you enough to say one way or the other. It does seem from you postings that you have not changed as much as you think.



> I know that I eventually have to leave, I get that its not healthy seeing him so frequently. As for other people at work knowing, if they do they haven’t told me but I have thought the same myself. When I’m engaged, I’m leaving.


How will that look any less suspicious?



> *I just want to move on from this nightmare situation*, and even now I don’t think its totally clear what the best way to do that is.


Here is your problem. You want the easy way out. You want to lie and not except the responsibility and hope it all goes away. You want the easy way out. I used to do that when I was seven. Did not work then and does not work now. 



> If I was to tell him and he leaves me, who wins out of that? *We both lose badly *& I don’t think Id ever get over it.


Again with treating him as a child. Who are you to say that staying with you is the best course for him? It may be, but doesn't he deserve the respect to make that decision. Do you think it is just coincidence that what is best for him also involves what is best (and easiest) for you?


----------



## Cheryl88

Decorum said:


> Cheryl,
> What was the "bad place" you were in that made you feel so entitled and deserving that you could cheat with multiple partners on such a good man?
> 
> Are you on any medications?
> 
> Its sounds like you were in a low point and you talked to your parents and they helped you see the mistake in what you were doing, is that what precipitated the change?


I didn’t feel deserving or entitled of anything, I think that’s the point is that I simply wasn’t thinking. Anything that I’ve done in the past wasn’t planned by me in any way. I’m not using that as an excuse or try to get me off the hook at all, but what I’ve been guilty of is being easily led as well as making some drunken mistakes. 

I’ve never considered myself to be in an ‘affair’ as such, why would I when Ive got the man I love at home? They were all just moments, even if there were admittedly a few moments with my boss at work.

I feel ashamed when I talk about it, if anybody on here doesn’t think my remorse is sincere then they couldn’t be more wrong.



woman said:


> It's good that you've talked to your parents. Do they know everything?
> 
> I made the comment about the kids because you're saying 'won't someone think of the children?' to justify not telling your boyfriend. IMO the kids thing is horrible, but it's for your AP to worry about, not you.
> 
> And yes, it's an awful situation with lots of collateral damage, but your top priority needs to be your boyfriend.
> 
> If you can't/won't tell him, and it seems like that, you really really really need to find another job pronto*. Not 'in the long term I have to leave'. You need to start looking today. Quit with nothing else to go to if you can't find anything. Something else will come along.
> 
> *I still think you should tell him, but it doesn't seem like you will.
> 
> Also, Pepper hit the nail on the head above.
> 
> Aaaaaaaaaaand, I don't think you're a bad person, you've just done some ****ty things and _need to fix them_.


My parents don’t know all of the specifics, but they know the gist of it. They don’t know the recent developments, I’ve not told anybody about finding the engagement ring – I guess that’s why I’m using this place as a sort of soundboard. 

You are right about my bf needing to be the only priority, I just wish there was a way to minimise the amount of people who get hurt & equally I need to minimise the hurt for my bf alone. 

And if being on this board has done one thing, its that I know I can’t stay in my job – I’ve already started looking elsewhere. It’s definitely an important part of moving on & leaving the past in the past.



F-102 said:


> Face it, people-Cheryl is scared.
> 
> Scared that her BF will indeed find out
> Scared that the wedding will be off
> Scared that her friends will laugh at her
> Scared that the OM will get away with it
> Scared that she will get fired
> Scared that she will no longer have that "perfect" guy to brag about to her friends
> Scared that the dream of her super-expensive dream wedding is over
> Scared that she will look "bad"


I’m scared, not just scared, terrified, of one thing only and that is the man that I love & want to spend the rest of my life with leaving me. It’s easy when you’re on the outside to say what’s right & wrong but whatever decision I make will affect both of us for the rest of our lives. 

I can take or leave the frivolous list you’ve made, I just want to be married to the man that I love for the rest of my life.



Tall Average Guy said:


> Yet you essentially consulted him first about telling your BF. Why is that?
> 
> As far as randomly quitting your job, I would think that the disgust over what you did and working so close with the OM would have caused you to start looking else where. That you did not begs the questions of how much you have changed.
> 
> I am not saying you are a bad person. I don't know you enough to say one way or the other. It does seem from you postings that you have not changed as much as you think.
> 
> How will that look any less suspicious?
> 
> Here is your problem. You want the easy way out. You want to lie and not except the responsibility and hope it all goes away. You want the easy way out. I used to do that when I was seven. Did not work then and does not work now.
> 
> Again with treating him as a child. Who are you to say that staying with you is the best course for him? It may be, but doesn't he deserve the respect to make that decision. Do you think it is just coincidence that what is best for him also involves what is best (and easiest) for you?


I was naively hoping he might be feeling the levels of remorse that I am - he isn’t. If he was keen to come clean then it would’ve definitely helped, at least in my own mind. That’s all irrelevant now but it’s absolutely nothing to do with me prioritising him over my bf like some people seem to be inferring, he means nothing at all to me & I know I was just a ‘notch on his bedpost’ for him. All he is to me is a guilty memory. 

As for leaving my job looking suspicious, I’ve already started complaining about my job – it won’t be a big deal. It’s not like I’ve ever raved about loving my job or anything. 

People seem to be so sure that I can’t just move on – why? If I have genuinely changed (which I have) and we both genuinely are madly in love with each other (which we are) and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together (which we do), then where are the problems with moving on? I don’t want to destroy all that, I know its easy to be judgmental when its just a post on a forum but this is the rest of my life that we’re talking about. Whatever I do, I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life and that in itself scares me.


----------



## Thor

What about your bf's right to choose? What about his right to know reality? He is not in love with you he is in lo e with the lie you have portrayed as the real you.

Believe me that my wife was different with me than with pprevious bf's. The lies about her past are far more devastating than her actual past. When he finds out from some other source it will end this sham you are thinking is goinng to be a great marriage.

It is better to get to the truth sooner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## east2west

Chances are high that your boss' affairs (I doubt you are the only one) will one day be exposed and you along with it. If that happens after you are married and possibly have kids you are going to be in a world of hurt. So by not coming clean to your bf you are not only putting your OM over your him, but also above your own best interest.


----------



## MrK

I'm not sure why you're here, Cheryl. You ask a question, get near unanimous consent, but stick to what was evidently your final decision before you even signed up for this forum. Looking for validation is fine. But if you don't get it, don't keep fighting it. This has turned into an academic discussion on the rights and wrongs of keeping a secret, and you are not helping yourself by fighting it. Accept that telling him is the right thing. That is obvious WITHOUT all of these fine people telling you so. You know that. You are done with this thread. Nobody's opinion is going to change, including yours.

Start a new thread. In a different section. Label it, "I've made a decision, I don't know if it's the right one, please help by sharing experiences you've had in making a similar decision". Start by thanking all of the folks who helped you here, but this is a different topic. You've made up your mind. Find out what you'll have to do to live with it.

I give a lot of armchair advice like everyone else. It's easy to advise someone to leave their spouse from the comfort of your living room, next to the fire and the snuggling, sleepy kitties. But I'm at my best when all I am doing is sharing my experiences and relating as to how they affected my life and my marriage. "i did this and this was the result". "Here's what happened to me". 

Find that kind of advice in a new thread. Ask these questions:

- "I've decided to keep a pretty huge secret from my husband. Anyone done something similar? How did it work out?"
- (To the cheater) "How hard was it to live with that lie for the rest of your life"?
- (To the betrayed Husbands) "The ex-lover is still in my life every day. When you found that out about your wife 20 years later (that she saw him EVERY DAY), did that make it the deal breaker"?
- "When you found out about your wife's deception, did full no-contact help? Would it have helped"?
- (to the cheaters) "If you found it easy to cheat, even if you hated yourself for it, and SWORE you could change, how hard was it to NOT cheat when your marriage got difficult? When you saw that prince charming got fat and bald and dad-boring, but the new hottie in accounting started hitting on you. Could you remove yourself from it easily or did "this will be SO easy" surface a little"?
- "Anyone have the ex-lovers wife find out through NO FAULT of yours, but it came back to dear hubby anyhow"?

See where I'm going? Stop this academic discussion. You've made up your mind. Find out from people who've made the decision to relate their experiences. As soon as the posters say "well, I've never lived this but here's my opinion...", kindly thank them, say you don't want opinions, you've made your decision. You want real-life experiences as to how people lived with and dealt with this decision.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Cheryl88 said:


> I didn’t feel deserving or entitled of anything, I think that’s the point is that I simply wasn’t thinking. Anything that I’ve done in the past wasn’t planned by me in any way. I’m not using that as an excuse or try to get me off the hook at all, but what I’ve been guilty of is being easily led as well as making some drunken mistakes.
> 
> I’ve never considered myself to be in an ‘affair’ as such, why would I when Ive got the man I love at home? They were all just moments, even if there were admittedly a few moments with my boss at work.
> 
> I feel ashamed when I talk about it, if anybody on here doesn’t think my remorse is sincere then they couldn’t be more wrong.


Yet there you go minimizing what happened. It was not an affair, just "a few moments with my boss at work." See, in you "changed mindset" you are already convincing yourself that what you did was not so bad. Stop sugar coating it.





> And if being on this board has done one thing, its that I know I can’t stay in my job – I’ve already started looking elsewhere. It’s definitely an important part of moving on & leaving the past in the past.


This is good. You need to get away from him immediately.



> I’m scared, not just scared, terrified, of one thing only and that is the man that I love & want to spend the rest of my life with leaving me. It’s easy when you’re on the outside to say what’s right & wrong but whatever decision I make will affect both of us for the rest of our lives.


Why do you get to make that decision for him?



> I can take or leave the frivolous list you’ve made, I just want to be married to the man that I love for the rest of my life.


What about what he wants?



> I was naively hoping he might be feeling the levels of remorse that I am - he isn’t. If he was keen to come clean then it would’ve definitely helped, at least in my own mind. That’s all irrelevant now but it’s absolutely nothing to do with me prioritising him over my bf like some people seem to be inferring, he means nothing at all to me & I know I was just a ‘notch on his bedpost’ for him. All he is to me is a guilty memory.


This is why you need to get away from your jon - you still think the OM is a decent guy. You probably think he is just a good guy who got caught up in things. You don't see him for what he is - a cheater who hits on his subordinates. By keeping up the contact, you remain unable to distance yourself from him. It is good that you are working to leave.



> As for leaving my job looking suspicious, I’ve already started complaining about my job – it won’t be a big deal. It’s not like I’ve ever raved about loving my job or anything.


So what prevented that previously?



> People seem to be so sure that I can’t just move on – why? If I have genuinely changed (which I have) and we both genuinely are madly in love with each other (which we are) and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together (which we do), then where are the problems with moving on? I don’t want to destroy all that, I know its easy to be judgmental when its just a post on a forum but this is the rest of my life that we’re talking about. Whatever I do, I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life and that in itself scares me.


Because frankly your posts (whether you intend to or not) show a level of selfishness that udnercuts your protests that you have changed. You talk a ton about you (try counting the number of "I"'s in your last post) and what you want, while trying to avoid any responsibility or hurt. You don't really seemed concerned about what your BF would want, except where it coincidentally matches up with your desires. You even care about what the OM thinks and wants. 

Every single rational you give for not telling him now can also be used to justify an affair later. That is where your problem is.


----------



## tryingtobebetter

Cheryl

One thought.

You have not yet received a proposal. If/when you do, all depending upon the timing, maybe you do not have to say yes/no there and then but something that leaves the possibility of marriage open?

If you are reluctant now to come clean, might it be easier in due course when you can say 'I have been faithful to you for x period of time but there was a time when I was foolish. I have avoided these mistakes now for the past x months/years(?) both as a test for myself and as evidence for you that I am now and always will be yours if you still want me'.

By the way how old are you? You sound quite young and that does make a difference.

All the best


----------



## Summer4744

Cheryl. There are a lot of people giving you moral reasons to fess up. But Because you have skin in the game, you are looking at things in a more practical way. What is best for you? What is to be gained vs what is to be lost?

I think this is the correct view to take since the stakes are so high but consider this. If this guy is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with you are taking a huge risk. 

You are taking a risk that for the next seventy years you are married he will never find out. You may have been cheated on before and felt the sting, but for a man it is different. Because from a male perspective nothing is worse than finding out you've been cuckolded. 

Statistics show that 95 percent of marriages end when the wife cheats. There was even a story from Italy where a man who was 95 and married for like 70 years divorced his wife after finding out she cheated on him long ago.

If you doubt me read the coping with infidelity forums and see what I mean. There are lots of guys who find out years later their wife stepped out on them and the longer out it has been the more it hurts because the more time passes the more you feel like a fool when you find out. You may think time is on your side. That the longer it goes the safer you will be. Actually the opposite is true. The longer time goes on the more your SO will feel like a fool if he ever finds out.

You may feel secure knowing that you will never tell, but how can you control that? The more time goes on, the deeper your love grows the more this whopper will become a burden. What if you get drunk and spill the beans? What if you talk in your sleep? What if this guy divorces ten years from now? He will now have nothing to lose by telling your husband everything. What if this guy told friends? Will they keep their mouth shut?

Men, especially after having been cheated on, can be quite vigilant about details. He may have been suspicious about a certain weekend or person. All it will take is a simple detail left out of place in hindsight to get him wondering about what really happened. All it will take is a look of guilt, a hesitation in detail, an avoidance of people or places to set a mans mind in motion. Then what?

You may think all this is true and it is even more reason to not tell him. That he will leave you. But consider this. I dated a stripper long ago. I knew she also pulled tricks in the past, but this never bothered me. I knew what I was getting into and couldn't find a reason to be bothered by it. 

But if I found this out after the fact it would have killed what we had. Part of this is because a mans mind wanders. If you have to find out things about your girl you wonder what else there is that you did not discover. If your husband finds out on his own later on he will wonder if you had a different guy every week. He will wonder if you did things with other men that he could not do for you. Even if it was just one man or one time your husband will never believe you if he finds out on his own.

So telling him yourself is a way to gain some control over the situation. By telling him first, you demonstrate that you are remorsefull and his mind can be at ease that what you tell him is everything. 

It will be hard to forgive, but keep in mind that there will only be one best time to tell him. Now. And with every tick of the clock that window narrows until it closes forever when you marry. After that you are playing a game where every night you have to hope the stars don't align and he doesn't find out. And as time goes on this lie will only get bigger and hurt your future husband more if he finds out. 

You will not be starting a new when married. Really you will be starting out your marriage tainted. The well will be poisoned to some degree. Starting a new would be fussing up and having your husband forgive you. This way you will have nothing to worry about in the future.

Neither option is good I know. You backed yourself into the corner with this one. But your decision is more complicated than you think.

Good luck!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

> *Summer4744 said*: You are taking a risk that for the next seventy years you are married he will never find out. You may have been cheated on before and felt the sting, but for a man it is different. *Because from a male perspective nothing is worse than finding out you've been cuckolded*.
> 
> Statistics show that 95 percent of marriages end when the wife cheats. There was even a story from Italy where a man who was 95 and married for like 70 years divorced his wife after finding out she cheated on him long ago.
> 
> If you doubt me read the coping with infidelity forums and see what I mean. There are lots of guys who find out years later their wife stepped out on them and the longer out it has been the more it hurts because the more time passes the more you feel like a fool when you find out. You may think time is on your side. That the longer it goes the safer you will be. *Actually the opposite is true. The longer time goes on the more your SO will feel like a fool if he ever finds out.*
> 
> You may feel secure knowing that you will never tell, but how can you control that? The more time goes on, the deeper your love grows the more this whopper will become a burden. What if you get drunk and spill the beans? What if you talk in your sleep? What if this guy divorces ten years from now? He will now have nothing to lose by telling your husband everything. What if this guy told friends? Will they keep their mouth shut?
> 
> Men, especially after having been cheated on, can be quite vigilant about details. He may have been suspicious about a certain weekend or person. All it will take is a simple detail left out of place in hindsight to get him wondering about what really happened. All it will take is a look of guilt, a hesitation in detail, an avoidance of people or places to set a mans mind in motion. Then what?



Excellent Excellent Excellent Post Summer4744 ~ from the male perspective :smthumbup:!


----------



## Chaparral

Did I read this right? You have been together 4 years and you have cheated on him off and on up until 6 months ago?

How many different partners?


----------



## Cheryl88

Just to update, I am now officially engaged & couldn’t be any happier! 

I thought so hard about everything in this thread but I think that the decision I’ve made is for the greater good. I know that we are perfect together, madly in love with each other & will spend the rest of our lives together – nothing is more important than that. We’re hoping for a summer wedding & neither of us can wait!

I’m currently applying for jobs elsewhere so that loose end will be tied up asap and soon I will never have to look at any part of the past again. 

Thanks to those of you who’ve actually been helpful & offered genuine advice. I know I’ve done wrong but I’ve found it quite cathartic being able to open up to a degree on here and it has helped me get things straight in my head. 

Not too sure yet if I’m gonna keep posting here or not but if I don’t, thanks again.

Cheryl x


----------



## captainkbt

Cheryl88 said:


> Just to update, I am now officially engaged & couldn’t be any happier!
> 
> I thought so hard about everything in this thread but I think that the decision I’ve made is for the greater good. I know that we are perfect together, madly in love with each other & will spend the rest of our lives together – nothing is more important than that. We’re hoping for a summer wedding & neither of us can wait!
> 
> I’m currently applying for jobs elsewhere so that loose end will be tied up asap and soon I will never have to look at any part of the past again.
> 
> Thanks to those of you who’ve actually been helpful & offered genuine advice. I know I’ve done wrong but I’ve found it quite cathartic being able to open up to a degree on here and it has helped me get things straight in my head.
> 
> Not too sure yet if I’m gonna keep posting here or not but if I don’t, thanks again.
> 
> Cheryl x


 Glad you didnt tell him. If you were not married when this happened and you really are sincere that this will not ever happen again, then you shouldnt tell him. Sometimes, secrets are best left secrets if its for some good. You two living a happy married life together and raising a family is a good thing. You made the right decision.


----------



## Cheryl88

captainkbt said:


> Glad you didnt tell him. If you were not married when this happened and you really are sincere that this will not ever happen again, then you shouldnt tell him. Sometimes, secrets are best left secrets if its for some good. You two living a happy married life together and raising a family is a good thing. You made the right decision.


Thank you so much!


----------



## RClawson

Good God this is the most pathetic story I have ever read here.
Cheryl let's get a couple of things straight. You cannot say you will never cheat again. We can all say that but everyone here if they were in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the "right" person, in the wrong circumstances, they could fall. Sorry but that is just true for the majority of humans.

You are at greater risk because you have demonstrated horrible judgement multiple times already. I can think of nothing worse than what you are about to do to your boyfriend. I found out the truth after I was married and it has eaten at my soul for 30 years. 

But hey you want to play house with the man you love. I guess it will be ok because hey you have proven for 6 months that you are above reproach .........................forever. You are completely selfish and self absorbed. What a great way to begin your marriage.


----------



## captainkbt

RClawson said:


> Good God this is the most pathetic story I have ever read here.
> Cheryl let's get a couple of things straight. You cannot say you will never cheat again. We can all say that but everyone here if they were in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the "right" person, in the wrong circumstances, they could fall. Sorry but that is just true for the majority of humans.
> 
> You are at greater risk because you have demonstrated horrible judgement multiple times already. I can think of nothing worse than what you are about to do to your boyfriend. I found out the truth after I was married and it has eaten at my soul for 30 years.
> 
> But hey you want to play house with the man you love. I guess it will be ok because hey you have proven for 6 months that you are above reproach .........................forever. You are completely selfish and self absorbed. What a great way to begin your marriage.


Damn....what a horrible thing to say. Cheryl wasnt married when she was with another man. She had not stood before the altar and made any vows of infidelity. While, probably not using best judgement by being completely honest with her then boyfriend, that does not doom her to a life of poor judgement. If anything, learning a good lesson can prevent poor judgement in the future. 

Your hateful tone actually says more about you than it does her. Sounds like you have some issues yourself.


----------



## Cheryl88

RClawson said:


> Good God this is the most pathetic story I have ever read here.
> Cheryl let's get a couple of things straight. You cannot say you will never cheat again. We can all say that but everyone here if they were in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the "right" person, in the wrong circumstances, they could fall. Sorry but that is just true for the majority of humans.
> 
> You are at greater risk because you have demonstrated horrible judgement multiple times already. I can think of nothing worse than what you are about to do to your boyfriend. I found out the truth after I was married and it has eaten at my soul for 30 years.
> 
> But hey you want to play house with the man you love. I guess it will be ok because hey you have proven for 6 months that you are above reproach .........................forever. You are completely selfish and self absorbed. What a great way to begin your marriage.


How can you say any of that? You speak like I’m blasé about it when the reality has been anything but. I’ve gone over every possible option a thousand times in my head and I’ve made my decision. You might not agree with it but it’s been done for the right reasons – love & so that we can BOTH be happy together for the rest of our lives. 

And “lets get a couple of things straight”… you don’t know me so you have no right to say such derogatory & personal things. I know for a fact that I won’t cheat again because I’m simply not interested in that even remotely. I have the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, why would I be anything but faithful? People can, and do, change.

What was the truth & what did you do? You can think what you want about me, but I’m only trying to do what is the right thing in my mind. 

If getting married & spending the rest of my life with the man I love is selfish & self absorbed then that's your opinion, albeit you couldn’t be more wrong & it just shows how badly you’ve judged me. 

Neither of us could be any happier & that in itself proves to me that I’ve made the right decision. I just want to move on now and enjoy my life as his fiancee, bride & wife.


----------



## RClawson

Enough Said. Cheryl has her ring! Yippeee! And Captain BS read my post again. My issue is that I had something very much like Cheryl is doing to her "fiancee' done to me. 

She does not love her fiancee'. She wants the fairy tale. I doubt it will last. Relationships built on such things seldom do.


----------



## Repenting

Cheryl, you keep insisting that you're not a bad person. But you're hiding important secrets from the man you love in order to get him to marry you. This not something you did in the past, that is something you are are doing NOW.

What exactly do you think it takes to make you a "bad person?" What you're doing right now - at this very moment - seems more than sufficient to me.


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## larry.gray

Cheryl88 said:


> Neither of us could be any happier & that in itself proves to me that I’ve made the right decision. I just want to move on now and enjoy my life as his fiancee, bride & wife.


You're in a horrible catch 22 right now. One of two things are true: 

You're not a sociopath, and you conscience is going to kill you. You're in the euphoria of the engagement right now, but some day you're going to be laying there, holding him and it will eat at you.

-or- 

You are a sociopath, and you're going to be back cheating when you tell yourself what you didn't isn't so bad.


----------



## Caribbean Man

Cheryl,
Nobody here actually knows you.
You sound like a good person , but you are confused.

Everyone here have been married quite sometime so they have experienced these thing and worse.

This thing would affect your conscience and ruin your marriage.
You need to work it out before .


----------



## Tall Average Guy

captainkbt said:


> Damn....what a horrible thing to say. *Cheryl wasnt married when she was with another man. She had not stood before the altar and made any vows of infidelity.* While, probably not using best judgement by being completely honest with her then boyfriend, that does not doom her to a life of poor judgement. If anything, learning a good lesson can prevent poor judgement in the future.
> 
> Your hateful tone actually says more about you than it does her. Sounds like you have some issues yourself.


While I don't agree with the tone, the bold is just silly. If it is no big deal, then tell the BF. She does not because it clearly is a big deal, vows or no.

I don't think her past dooms her to a life of poor judgement. Unfortunately, she continues on that path on her own. Her definition of the "greater good" just happens to coincide with taking the easy way and not having to own up to her behavior. Frankly, it is selfish behavior.

Cheryl - again, every reason you give for not telling him about what you did in the past are reasons to justify a future affair. In that light, there is little evidence that you have changed, only that because things are going well you have no reason to cheat. You are setting yourself up to fail again.

If you insist on not telling him, I implore you to get both marriage counseling and individual counseling. Things won't always be buttercups and roses between you two. Real life will rear its ugly head at times and you will not feel quite so special. When those time occur, you need all the tools you can gather to help you keep your vows. Don't pretend that you will-power alone can do it (it sure did not work in the past). Get help arm yourself.


----------



## east2west

larry.gray said:


> You're in a horrible catch 22 right now. One of two things are true:
> 
> You're not a sociopath, and you conscience is going to kill you. You're in the euphoria of the engagement right now, but some day you're going to be laying there, holding him and it will eat at you.
> 
> -or-
> 
> You are a sociopath, and you're going to be back cheating when you tell yourself what you didn't isn't so bad.


I think it is the second one.


----------



## CH

Wow, so a ring is going to change her for the good. Good luck to you but you can't change a cheater, especially one that has no remorse at all.

If I hadn't got caught (or been dumb enough to develop some feelings for the OW) I would still be a lying, cheating, B today. A ring does nothing to change the fact that you're a cheater and will always be one. No consequences for what you have done. Once the honeymoon wears off, your legs will spread again.

I hope I'm wrong but the only ones who usually change are the ones who can't live with themselves for what they've done to their loved ones. You have zero empathy for anyone but yourself, I see myself in you. Selfish people can usually pick out those similar to them.

I'm getting married, ooohh, oooohh, oohhh, oooh, happy, happy, jumps for joy. Not a single thought about your fiance, yeah you love him, BS you love you more. It'll always be about you.

Good luck with your wedding, hopefully you do change but I'm going to have to say that you'll be good for a little bit then it's back to business.

Your shiny new toy (wedding) is keeping you good for now. I hope he keeps buying you crap to keep you happy and interested for the rest of your life so you don't cheat.


----------



## Cheryl88

I have done absolutely nothing but stress over this situation for what seems like an eternity, but I’ve come to my decision and I’m not going back on it now. No amount of horrible, unjustified personal comments & people pouring scorn on my marriage before it’s even began will change that. 

I didn’t come back to debate my decision, just to give my thread on here a conclusion for those who genuinely cared. I know that it’s far from perfect but I also know in my heart that I’ve made the right decision & I will spend the rest of my life making it up to my fiance in my own way. 

It is absolutely nothing to do with the ring, and nothing to do with him buying me things, and nothing to do with a big wedding – its all about us spending the rest of our lives together. People make mistakes, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t allowed to be happy. 

To say that I have no remorse is absolutely ridiculous & 100% wrong. I have done nothing but wrestle with my conscience through all of this, nobody can say that I don’t feel bad for the past – I feel terrible about it and I wish more than anything that I could turn the clocks back and do things differently. Life isn’t perfect though & you have to make the most with the hand your dealt, spending the rest of my life with the man I love is the best possible result I could ever have asked for. 

Rclawson, you say that you found out your wife had done something similar to you – and yet you’re still married to her so obviously you worked through it. If she’d been honest with you before all your years of marriage, would you have still got married to her? 

The desire to open up and tell the truth is outweighed by the fear of losing the love of my life. That’s ultimately why I’ve come to the decision that I have. It might not be brave but I’ve never claimed to be, it is human.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Remorse is shown through actions. Your actions are to keep lying. That's the kind of person you are. That's your character. You only pretend to have remorse so you look better and get what you want.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Cheryl88 said:


> IThe desire to open up and tell the truth is outweighed by the fear of losing the love of my life. That’s ultimately why I’ve come to the decision that I have. It might not be brave but I’ve never claimed to be, it is human.


This says it all. What you want is first. Not the "love of your life" or what he wants, but what you want.

You need to change that mentality. If you don't, you will cheat again.

Please - get counseling as I mentioned above. Arm yourself to avoid the train-wreck that will otherwise come.


----------



## RClawson

Cheryl,

Obviously no logic will sink in. You keep saying he is the love of your life but no one would be this dishonest with that person. If you truly loved him you would let him make that decision.

By the way if my wife would of told me who she was with then no I would not be with her. There was a time I almost left but despite it all I love her. The circumstances are complex and I am reminded of this relationship constantly because of family and friendship dynamics. 

If your fiance' knew you were going to continue to work with an affair partner we both know he would not be giving you a ring. You know it, I know, the people here know it and so does God. 

Someone needs to take away your shovel because the hole you are digging is enormous.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

That to me is the biggest betrayal of all. That she still works with him every day. No different than continued cheating in my opinion. She says she feels bad, but yet sees her affair partner every day. Just shows the kind of person she is.


----------



## Cheryl88

Why are people here ignoring the fact that I’m actively looking for a new job and will soon be never seeing my boss ever again? Surely that shows that I’m not just “trying to look better” as somebody said. I appreciate that it’d be inappropriate to continue working with him as a married woman and I’m doing the right thing. 

Rclawson, the fact that you wouldn’t have married your wife only makes me more certain that what I’m doing is the right way forward. You love her & you’ve been with her ‘X’ amount of years but that would’ve been thrown away if you’d found out earlier. This is why I say its not black and white, I know for a fact that we will be happy together for the rest of our lives – I’d be stupid to let my conscience put that future in jeopardy. 

People have come to a hurtful and false view of who I am. I know that I’m sincere with every word that I’m saying and I know that our marriage will the best thing that’s ever happened to both of us.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

You're not sincere. You can't fool us. We only believe actions. Words mean nothing.


----------



## jameskimp

Don't kid yourself. All I see is a serial cheater who's only thinking about herself now. How he can make you happy and not being honest with him is one of the most selfish acts you can do now. 

The truth will eventually come out. Whether when you're drunk or your affair partner blackmails you or any other way. He will realize he wasted all those years on you and that pain will sting so much worse.

You are building this marriage with lies and deception and it will not last. Your words say you want to spare him pain. Your actions say a completely different story.


----------



## larry.gray

This is somebody who _was_ in your shoes.



CH said:


> If *I* hadn't got caught (or been dumb enough to develop some feelings for the OW) *I would still be a lying, cheating*, B today. A ring does nothing to change the fact that you're a cheater and will always be one. No consequences for what you have done. Once the honeymoon wears off, your legs will spread again.
> 
> I hope I'm wrong but the only ones who usually change are the ones who can't live with themselves for what they've done to their loved ones. You have zero empathy for anyone but yourself, I see myself in you. Selfish people can usually pick out those similar to them.


Now it think she's wrong, in that you won't always be a cheater, because you can choose another path. One that doesn't involve dishonesty.


----------



## RClawson

It is Black and White Cheryl. If he finds out later he will resent you for the rest of your life. I love my wife but I completely resent what she did. We had it out this summer about it (27 years later). I thought that would help end it. It helped for about two days.

Take it from some people who have "lived a little" and have a bit more "life experience". I do not know how many different ways we can say it to you. You are Effing up! Grow up and quit playing pretty pretty princess. You know you will not tell him because you know the outcome. 

The fact that you keep coming back here to try to justify your course of action speaks volumes of who you are. You have one or two of the people on this thread buying your nonsense. Is any of this sinking in?

I am done here.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Cheryl88 said:


> Why are people here ignoring the fact that I’m actively looking for a new job and will soon be never seeing my boss ever again? Surely that shows that I’m not just “trying to look better” as somebody said. I appreciate that it’d be inappropriate to continue working with him as a married woman and I’m doing the right thing.


Because it is weak sauce in view of the other things you have jsut recently done and continue to do. One small step does not show everything.



> Rclawson, the fact that you wouldn’t have married your wife only makes me more certain that what I’m doing is the right way forward. You love her & you’ve been with her ‘X’ amount of years but that would’ve been thrown away if you’d found out earlier. This is why I say its not black and white, I know for a fact that we will be happy together for the rest of our lives – I’d be stupid to let my conscience put that future in jeopardy.


Who made you God? Who gave you the right to determine his future? Why is it that your view of what is good for him continues to result in you getting what you want at no price? This is why people doubt you - because you are unwilling to even acknowledge that conflict. You cite it as proof while treating him as a child - You know better, so he should not worry his little head about such things. Unfortunately, that excuse works if you are having an affair as well.



> People have come to a hurtful and false view of who I am. I know that I’m sincere with every word that I’m saying and I know that our marriage will the best thing that’s ever happened to both of us.


Words are cheap. What did you say to him when you were actually with your boss? Probably some nice things then. What did they mean? Words without actions are empty.

I can't say this enough. Get counseling. Really work to change. The idea that you can snap you fingers and change yourself is a fools errand. You need to keep working at it.


----------



## Malaise

Cheryl88 said:


> Why are people here ignoring the fact that I’m actively looking for a new job and will soon be never seeing my boss ever again? Surely that shows that I’m not just “trying to look better” as somebody said. I appreciate that it’d be inappropriate to continue working with him as a married woman and I’m doing the right thing.
> 
> Rclawson, the fact that you wouldn’t have married your wife only makes me more certain that what I’m doing is the right way forward. You love her & you’ve been with her ‘X’ amount of years but that would’ve been thrown away if you’d found out earlier. This is why I say its not black and white, I know for a fact that we will be happy together for the rest of our lives – *I’d be stupid to let my conscience put that future in jeopardy*.
> 
> People have come to a hurtful and false view of who I am. I know that I’m sincere with every word that I’m saying and I know that our marriage will the best thing that’s ever happened to both of us.


You're right. That stupid conscience. Who needs that?

I doubt if you'll ever need that again in your marriage.

It gets in the way of so much fun. And hubby doesn't have to know about the past. You'll get used to deception and that'll make it so much easier next time. And with no conscience, why worry?


----------



## Madman1

Ride a c0ck horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
She shall have music wherever she goes


----------



## Thoreau

And evil triumphs again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cheryl88

I have only ever tried to do the right thing and have acknowledged the mistakes I’ve made in the past and been completely critical of my own actions but still its not enough. I have already made massive changes to my personal life & will continue to improve every day and be the very best wife that my fiance could wish for. 

Just because I’ve made mistakes in the past, do I deserve to be alone and miserable? That seems to be the attitude of the later posts on this thread. I’m not going to let that happen, I’ve grown up & I’m a different person – I don’t need to prove that to any of you. I will prove it to myself with my actions. I am not in any way a “serial cheater”.

Madman, if there’s a valid message in there I don’t understand it. 

Thoreau, even by your own standards describing me as “evil” is hysterical. I’m somebody who’s trying to make the best of a bad situation, wants to minimise the hurt that’s caused to anybody & who wants to live happily ever after with the man of her dreams. If that makes me evil then so be it, I simply can’t be bothered to argue with somebody so OTT and irrational.

I think this thread has run its course, I don’t need more personal insults thanks.


----------



## Thoreau

Not you yourself, but the lies and deception and toying with this mans life. That is the evil I and others speak of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## larry.gray

No, you don't deserve to be alone an miserable. Being honest _could_ cause you to lose your fiance. Maybe it won't.

Even if you do, it does not mean you're alone forever.


----------



## larry.gray

RClawson said:


> By the way if my wife would of told me who she was with then no I would not be with her. There was a time I almost left but despite it all I love her. The circumstances are complex and I am reminded of this relationship constantly because of family and friendship dynamics.


Given that the OP is now in the position your wife was in, I'm curious as to how your wife reacted to you telling her that? Does she wish she told you then, or would she rather be married to you all these years lying to you the whole time?


----------



## Caribbean Man

Cheryl,
Why are you fighting against your conscience?

If you really believed that you did the right thing, then why are you even bothering to respond here?
You know that there is some truth in what we are saying, but the reality is bitter.
We have no power over you nor your circumstance, only you do.
Use that power wisely and you will have a bright future.


----------



## heavensangel

Caribbean Man said:


> Cheryl,
> Why are you fighting against your conscience?
> 
> If you really believed that you did the right thing, then why are you even bothering to respond here?
> You know that there is some truth in what we are saying, but the reality is bitter.
> We have no power over you nor your circumstance, only you do.
> Use that power wisely and you will have a bright future.


Exactly! The fact that you're still responding/defending your actions says that you, yourself aren't comfortable with the decision you made. 

If you're so sure you've done the right thing, then nothing anyone says here would be worth the time to respond.


----------



## Cheryl88

Caribbean Man said:


> Cheryl,
> Why are you fighting against your conscience?
> 
> If you really believed that you did the right thing, then why are you even bothering to respond here?
> You know that there is some truth in what we are saying, but the reality is bitter.
> We have no power over you nor your circumstance, only you do.
> Use that power wisely and you will have a bright future.





heavensangel said:


> Exactly! The fact that you're still responding/defending your actions says that you, yourself aren't comfortable with the decision you made.
> 
> If you're so sure you've done the right thing, then nothing anyone says here would be worth the time to respond.


You're right, I know deep down that what you're saying is the standard right thing to do. I'm not comfortable at all with any of this. I feel physically sick at the idea of him leaving me after I break his heart. 

I'm so close to spending the rest of my life with the love of my life, if I do "the right thing" I might never have been further away. It's all happened so quickly and I feel so lost. 

All I want is to marry him, I don't want all this baggage. My heart is breaking - I've been so stupid in the past, I hate it.


----------



## Thoreau

Why did you cheat on him multiple times? Didn't you love him then? What changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Caribbean Man

Cheryl88 said:


> You're right, I know deep down that what you're saying is the standard right thing to do. I'm not comfortable at all with any of this. I feel physically sick at the idea of him leaving me after I break his heart.
> 
> I'm so close to spending the rest of my life with the love of my life, if I do "the right thing" I might never have been further away. It's all happened so quickly and I feel so lost.
> 
> All I want is to marry him, I don't want all this baggage. My heart is breaking - I've been so stupid in the past, I hate it.


Cheryl,
You are the one saying that you would loose him.
Why are you allowing these negative feelings to overcome you?
Has he not forgiven you in the past?

I think if you handle this correctly, and tactfully, he will forgive you because he is very in love with you.
Love is often times blind.

Also seek professional counselling, it would help you realize things about yourself and why you made those mistakes in the past.


----------



## MrK

The chances of him finding out some time down the road are very good. The OM is still in your life. He's your boss? You don't know who he's told. You don't know who that guy told. 

Look. I agree you can change. I agree that, not knowing you or your circumstances at the time, it may not even have been bad infidelity. But you CAN'T guarantee that he'll never hear. Not only does your present and future change with a revelation like that, but your PAST changes too. It's very disturbing.

Who knows, maybe you can do what's right, AND have your wedding. 

Good luck to you.


----------



## Thoreau

Is there such a thing as good infidelity???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Repenting

Cheryl88 said:


> I'm so close to spending the rest of my life with the love of my life, if I do "the right thing" I might never have been further away.


Cheryl, we understand that what you want is to spend the rest of your life with him. We are trying to help you do just that. 

What many of us are trying to tell is this: you are not any closer to spending the rest of your life with him today than you were before the engagement. You are closer to having a wedding for sure. But _the real threat to spending the rest of your life together is your untruthfulness with him_, and that has not changed. In fact, the longer your are untruthful to him, the less likely it is that he will be able to accept that when he finds out...so every day that threat is increasing, not shrinking.

You best chance of spending your life with him is to come clean with him now. 

Think about this. Deep down you know this is true.


----------



## RClawson

larry.gray said:


> Given that the OP is now in the position your wife was in, I'm curious as to how your wife reacted to you telling her that? Does she wish she told you then, or would she rather be married to you all these years lying to you the whole time?


Larry,

She is glad she told me because she said her conscience would not have allowed it any other way. My issue was that she did not tell me who it was and that was a huge deal and she knew it.


----------



## CanadianGuy

Has he ever asked you if you have ever cheated on him? 

What if he asks you that during the proposal? 


Picture this. You are at a party years from now. Happily married.
In walks one of your affair partners, wtf you think. 

Next thing you know you husband and this AP are getting along great. The AP mentions to your husband he's a lucky man because he dated you for a bit and ....................

Now your a cheater and a liar. 

He needs to know because your whole life you will be wondering "what if he ever finds out?"


----------



## Thor

Cheryl88 said:


> Rclawson, you say that you found out your wife had done something similar to you – and yet you’re still married to her so obviously you worked through it. If she’d been honest with you before all your years of marriage, would you have still got married to her?


In my case what I am finding is similar in a general way. This was 35 years ago it happened, before we met. We've been married 30 years.

The lies and deception are the problem today. Would I have married her back then had I known all of this? Probably not, but I was not given the opportunity to make that decision.

The deceptions have poisoned the marriage, both because of the content of the secrets and because of the effects on her of keeping the secrets.

I am very much on the brink of divorce this weekend due to her dishonesty. It speaks of her willingness to put her own wishes ahead of my welfare or right to know who I was marrying.

It is not to your fiance's benefit to marry someone whom he does not know. He has the right to choose based on knowing the facts, whereas you do not have the right to make the choice for him.

I don't know if I can be any clearer that I think you are setting yourself up for misery in keeping the secrets and setting him up for severe pain and distress when he eventually finds out the truth. You are engaged in wishful thinking when you imagine this information will remain buried forever and not have any effect on you.


----------



## Madman1

It means you are a self entitled princess, and your bf is just a trinket on your finger that just makes you "oh so happy" and oh so shallow!

The title says it all, you cant "undo the past", make sure the present is a "past" you can live with!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much

> *Cheryl88 said:*The problem is that I would feel sort of wrong marrying him with him not knowing that I've not always been faithful in the past.


Here is the crux of it all. You said it yourself. Sort of wrong? Is it _sort_ of wrong to lie to your fiance? Or is it wrong period? I like to think of it this way... you can't get sort of wet. Either you're wet or you're not. Lies are the same way. An untruth is an untruth.

Who will your fiance be marrying? He doesn't really know does he? Is that fair to him? You start your marriage off on a lie, you'll end it with the same. It's bad karma if not just plain selfish on your part. I think you know that deep down, but your desire to marry him is greater than the truth. YOUR desire is greater than his knowing the truth about you. 

I suppose he wasn't always the man of your dreams. How could he be? Maybe only recently you've decided that he is, but if you truly love him then you would tell him the truth. Don't be selfish. Give him a chance to decide if he wants to move forward. He deserves that.


----------



## Cheryl88

Caribbean Man, it was a big deal at the time him taking me back and not one he took lightly. I’m not sure he’d be able to forgive & forget a second time – we both know that we’re perfect for each other, but even I would understand from his viewpoint if he had doubts. I know how much I’ve grown recently though & how much of a better partner I am, if I was to tell the truth I would need to be able to make sure he understood that. Equally, I’m aware that with every minute that passes it gets even harder to tell the truth. It’s tearing me apart. 

Mr K, I really don’t believe that it’s an issue. If I choose to keep it a secret, I’m convinced it will never come out. As far as I’m aware no-one at work knows about us and it’s in my boss’s interests to keep it quiet on his end as he doesn’t want his wife to find out. 

Just talking about that brings it back to another issue, any decision I make doesn’t just affect me – it affects their household and most of all their kids. I couldn’t bare to be the reason that those poor kids parents split up, even though I know that they shouldn’t be my priority. 

Madman, I am NOT in anyway a self-entitled princess and object massively to that. It’s so easy for you people to name call when you’re not living through the situation. 

Thor, I appreciate hearing from you. I need to take what you say on board but I’m finding it increasingly difficult to think straight. 

If I tell the truth it potentially ruins everything and I’m not being dramatic. My relationship, my job, my family, my friends, those poor kids & not to mention other people. Whatever I decide I need to commit to asap because I can’t keep living my life like this.


----------



## Malaise

Cheryl88 said:


> Caribbean Man, it was a big deal at the time him taking me back and not one he took lightly. I’m not sure he’d be able to forgive & forget a second time – we both know that we’re perfect for each other, but even I would understand from his viewpoint if he had doubts. I know how much I’ve grown recently though & how much of a better partner I am, if I was to tell the truth I would need to be able to make sure he understood that. Equally, I’m aware that with every minute that passes it gets even harder to tell the truth. It’s tearing me apart.
> 
> Mr K, I really don’t believe that it’s an issue. If I choose to keep it a secret, I’m convinced it will never come out. As far as I’m aware no-one at work knows about us and it’s in my boss’s interests to keep it quiet on his end as he doesn’t want his wife to find out.
> 
> Just talking about that brings it back to another issue, any decision I make doesn’t just affect me – it affects their household and most of all their kids. I couldn’t bare to be the reason that those poor kids parents split up, even though I know that they shouldn’t be my priority.
> 
> Madman, I am NOT in anyway a self-entitled princess and object massively to that. It’s so easy for you people to name call when you’re not living through the situation.
> 
> Thor, I appreciate hearing from you. I need to take what you say on board but I’m finding it increasingly difficult to think straight.
> 
> If I tell the truth it potentially ruins everything and I’m not being dramatic.* My *relationship, *my* job, *my *family,* my *friends, those poor kids & not to mention other people. Whatever I decide I need to commit to asap because I can’t keep living my life like this.


What about* HIM*?

When he finds out down the road I'm sure he'll appreciate the consideration you've shown to others, and yourself.


----------



## captainkbt

RClawson said:


> Enough Said. Cheryl has her ring! Yippeee! And Captain BS read my post again. My issue is that I had something very much like Cheryl is doing to her "fiancee' done to me.
> 
> She does not love her fiancee'. She wants the fairy tale. I doubt it will last. Relationships built on such things seldom do.


"Done to you"? I also read your still married after 27 years. 

A) You do not know what people feel in their heart by reading a message board.

B) Ofcourse she wants "the fairy tale". Everyone does. Theres nothing wrong with that.

C) You have no standing or knowledge of the future to say "I doubt it will last".

D) The woman wasnt married when this happened. She had made no committments or vows of fidelity to anyone. If she commits and makes those vows, and there is NO REASON to believe she is insincere when she says she will, there is no reason for you to say it will not work.

E) It is sounding more like you are just bitter from your own experience and projecting that bitterness and your own insecurity at this woman. You dont know her so stop acting like you do.


----------



## captainkbt

Decorum said:


> Rc,
> Talk is cheap, we have seen it before, when she gets bored, they hit a rough patch, or she realizes he isnt as perfect as she thinks he is, she will be spreading her legs for some other POS ,and she will feel totally justified.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> captainkbt
> At least Cheryl can identify cheatng when she see it, your excusing it is morally bankrupt, I feel sorry for anyone who puts their trust in you!!


I didnt say I "excused" it. Stop throwing out judgements if you cant comprehend the comments. I just have no reason to doubt Cheryl when she says she will never do it in her marriage. Like it or not.....cheating while dating someone IS NOT the same thing as cheating after giving vows of fidelity and being bound to those vows. Before she is married she is free to do what she wishes. Yeah, she probably wasnt completely honest with him but again, there is no reason to believe she will not be after vowing to do so.


----------



## captainkbt

Tall Average Guy said:


> While I don't agree with the tone, the bold is just silly. If it is no big deal, then tell the BF. She does not because it clearly is a big deal, vows or no.
> 
> .


Its absolutely NOT silly. Who knows when she was with another man. Was it after the first date?.....second? ....a month? She was a single person ( and still is) when it happened and who knows what her feelings were for her now possible fiance. Its not necessary to go running to a person you are dating and say "hey I just cheated on you" because she isnt. A single person can date anyone they want, however I do advocate being honest. But you people are acting like this woman has been married 20 years already when this happened. Good grief people....you need to put it into perspective.


----------



## karole

Why are you now so concerned about the OM's children? You certainly wasn't concerned about them when you were sleeping with him. When exactly did you discover you had a conscience? I'm sorry, your BF deserves the truth & so does the OM's wife. She may end up outing you someday if she should come across a forgotten text or email between you & her husband. Good luck to you I have a feeling you will need it.


----------



## Madman1

Cheryl88,

You knew this...


Cheryl88 said:


> ... it was a big deal at the time him taking me back and not one he took lightly. I’m not sure he’d be able to forgive & forget a second time


and yet you did ths....



Cheryl88 said:


> If I tell the truth it potentially ruins everything and I’m not being dramatic. My relationship, my job, my family, my friends, those poor kids & not to mention other people.


No one doubts that this is tearing you up, but that is not the same as remorse, if you were remorseful you would want him to know, you would honor his decision, but as it is you are mostly afraid of the consequences of your actions, not your responsibility for them.

If you were remorseful youwould NEVER have dont this in the first place, are you remorseful now, no just full of excuses.

BTW the posom's wife has a right to know what her husband did, most BS would thank you for telling them, those kids are already a casuality of that bastards behavior.


Entitled? 
Yes or this would have never been repeated.

Remorseful? 
No, because you fail to show the respect due your fiancée by telling him, or take responsibility for you actions, and I know of no definition of remoresful that does not include them.

I know I know, you are in a much better place now and you have learned your lesson, but why did all the lives you listed above will have to pay the price for you to have learned it?


Name calling? 
Yes, using the word bastard above like I did is name calling, using the words. "entitled princess" or "cheater" or "unremorseful" is not, they denote an attitude or behavior that is wrong. They may be misplace or mistaken but they are not name calling.


----------



## larry.gray

RClawson said:


> Larry,
> 
> She is glad she told me because she said her conscience would not have allowed it any other way. My issue was that she did not tell me who it was and that was a huge deal and she knew it.


But does she wish she told you back then? Even if it meant you would have never married her?


----------



## larry.gray

Cheryl88 said:


> Mr K, I really don’t believe that it’s an issue. If I choose to keep it a secret, I’m convinced it will never come out. As far as I’m aware no-one at work knows about us and it’s in my boss’s interests to keep it quiet on his end as he doesn’t want his wife to find out.


Do you think _his_ cheating ways are over? He may not be cheating with you, but could he be cheating with another woman? If he was, would you really know? After all, you're claiming nobody knows you and he were together; if that's true, nobody knows about his new flame.

If he is still cheating, then he risks getting caught then. His wife catching him with another woman brings you risk in two ways:

#1: His wife may ask for transparency. He tells her he cheated with you too, and in her anger she tells your husband to hurt you.

#2: He may come around looking for more, and blackmail you because he no longer has nothing to lose. You then get to make the choice to resume your affair and cheat on your husband or have your affair outed. 



Cheryl88 said:


> Just talking about that brings it back to another issue, any decision I make doesn’t just affect me – it affects their household and most of all their kids. I couldn’t bare to be the reason that those poor kids parents split up, even though I know that they shouldn’t be my priority.


You did that when you cheated. Telling the truth _could_ cause them to split up, but blame that on the cheating, not telling the truth.


----------



## Decorum

*captainkbt*

Ok I disagree! :smthumbup:


----------



## captainkbt

Decorum said:


> *captainkbt*
> 
> 
> 
> Fair enough, I agree “excusing it” is too broad and pushes your intention too far.
> 
> Lets look at your words to see if you intention is comprehensible.
> 
> 
> 
> *I don’t recall anyone saying that they are the same, certainly not me.*
> 
> So how are they different?
> 
> I think it depends on from what perspective you view it from.
> 
> From the standpoint of a betrayed partner?
> 
> The answer to that will depend in part on the betrayed partners themselves, this would be a subjective evaluation, completely valid, but I would not presume to tell a BS how to feel.
> 
> Buy I will make some generalizations.
> 
> Does Infidelity after marriage…
> 1.	Hurt more?
> 2.	Result in more mind movies
> 3.	Damage trust more
> 4.	Take longer to heal, when and if possible.
> 
> It may be worse for some, I will give on that, overall, I think it’s a distinction without a difference.
> 
> It like discussing which bullet path hurts more when you are shot point blank in the chest with a 45, it may hurt more one way than another, but dam 300ft/lb of force in the chest over an area less that .5” dia.
> 
> Its gonna hurt like hell either way!
> 
> From the standpoint of
> 
> You are right I have a little trouble comprehending the meaning and significance of your intention here.
> 
> Is this from the viewpoint of personal integrity?
> 
> So agreeing to be exclusive in a relationship or even being engaged and cheating is somehow a lesser laps of personal integrity that cheating after vows? Really?
> 
> But I doubt this is your meaning because this is your view…
> 
> 
> (I’m hoping you are embarrassed you even wrote this but I doubt it.)
> 
> So if you are viewing it from the standpoint of personal integrity you are right I don’t comprehend your meaning, but that may be because you offer no standard or benchmark on which to evaluate the difference. You merely state that it is so.
> 
> There is only one other possibility that I can think of and that is the fact that the vows are often seen as being “SAID BEFORE GOD”
> 
> Maybe that is why you focus on the vows so strongly and being bound to those vows because
> They have done so in the eyes of God.
> 
> Only you can say if that is your meaning and you did not say.
> 
> I will not ridicule another person’s faith, but to minimize the culpability caused by the betrayal just because it happened before the vows seems rather pie in the sky to me.
> (Yes you did not say excuse, and you did not say “minimize the culpability”, so if you would like to supply a word that may be used to describe the difference you specified I would be glad to use that, just let me know)
> 
> What ever meaning you had in mind it allows you to say this…
> 
> 
> Wow!
> 
> So beyond this I am at a loss to know what you could have meant. I can be a little dense at times so I will remain open to any other possibility you would care to offer.
> 
> *But I think the real problem here is, as I re-read my post, my wording was to general (i.e. excusing) and I directed my comments at you instead of your ideas. I will own that, and that does cross the line and I apologize!*
> 
> I have edited that post to reflect this!
> 
> Let me say that I think this advice you have given here is really crappy advice, its appears to me to be inconsistent, poorly developed, and morally indefensible.
> 
> But that is just ones mans opinion.
> 
> There are some things that I could never “Agree to disagree” about and this…
> 
> Is one of them.
> 
> If anyone I care about ever comes to this board for help I hope they never run into you giving this kind of crappy advice.
> 
> Nothing personal!
> 
> Take care!



"Nothing personal"...?

LOL!!! What kind of nut comes here to insult people that they dont even know when they are just trying to help? Couldnt you just simply say "I disagree"? Oh yeah....and your "spreading your legs" comment to another female just looking for advice was very classy......and very gentleman like too. You should be proud.


----------



## VFW

Congrats on your engagement, do sincerely wish you and your new family well. As happy as you are now, you obviously understand that life can make some strange turn. I believe that you have learn from this experience, though I do wish you would have decided to be a bit more open with your future husband. I think he may have surprised you with his ability to forgive again. Still I hope that if he too makes a mistake (not a hope or accusation), that you too will be as understanding to him with his mistake and omissions. Again I wish you happiness and prosperity with your future.


----------



## Chelle D

Okay... Enough?

I mean.. .I think to keep talking about it... well, it's like trying to re-live the incident over & over in your mind. You're not going to be able to "forget about it" and move on & live your life for the better... if you keep re-hashing it.

I say, either decide to put it behind you. Or deal with whatever guilt you are feeling about it.

Personally, I'd feel the guilt about the wife of the married man, but if you "cheated" when you were broke up in the past with your guy... that part is not really cheating on him, then is it? Yes, you did a mis-service to the wife. But dont beat yourself up in your current engagement standing.

Let it go, so that you can move on with your relationship.
Or, if you find your mind just keeps & keeps & keeps re-living it & you can't get the fixation of this other man out of your mind... then you are not really into your fiancee & need to break it off with him.

No need to tell him all the gorry details.... But be honest with him, if your heart & mind cannot seem to stay exclusively committed to HIM.


----------



## heavensangel

if you can't get the fixation of this other man out of your mind... 



A little hard to do when you work for him, don't you think?


----------



## Chelle D

There is a difference from working for/ with someone & doing a mental fixation of a past relationship.

If she cannot separate work from fantasy, then she should have left that job years ago. 

She seems to have gotten past it before ... or something would have broke in the last 4 years. It is only now that she was threatened with the prospect of an engagement ring, that she thought she needed to clear the air with her current beau.


----------



## Cheryl88

I can’t even describe how close I came to opening up to my fiance over lunch today. It’s been building like a pressure cooker inside my head for so long. Ultimately though, the consequences are just too great and I can’t do it. I need to move on from this now and get on with the rest of my life because it’s all getting too much. 

The distinction between people who are genuinely trying to help & give advice and the people who are out purely to name call & criticise is getting all too blurry, so thank you but this thread is now officially done – my decision has been made. I love him with all of my heart & I will spend the rest of my life showing it. THAT is the most important thing out of all of this. 

Larry, he isn’t cheating as far as I’m aware but honestly – I have no idea. I don’t want to be associated with him in any way anymore & getting a new job will be my way to do that. I appreciate what you’re saying, but I really don’t think he’d be like that. It’s all ifs, buts and maybes but I think doing what I’m doing has the best chance of having a happy outcome for all concerned & most importantly, my fiance and me. 

Madman, I’ve never regretted anything more in my life. The words that you are using are not applicable to me in any way. I’ve acted horribly in the past and I feel ashamed looking back, I truly do. I will make up for all of that in OUR future together.


----------



## Madman1

Well I hope it works out for you and him. But I doubt it.


----------



## keko

Cheryl88 said:


> I love him with all of my heart & I will spend the rest of my life showing it. THAT is the most important thing out of all of this.


Lies. That is the most important thing out of this.


I'm already feeling bad for the poor fella. Hopefully that ring is for another women.


----------



## BjornFree

Cheryl88 said:


> I can’t even describe how close I came to opening up to my fiance over lunch today. It’s been building like a pressure cooker inside my head for so long. Ultimately though, the consequences are just too great and I can’t do it. I need to move on from this now and get on with the rest of my life because it’s all getting too much.


I pity thew recipient of such great love if that is what you call it. When you talk about consequences you're thinking of none but yourself, and that my dear is pure selfishness. The truth will come out eventually, my only hope is that it will come out before the poor guy marries you.


----------



## Shaggy

You say youve made the chooce to be with him forever, but you need to realize that the bad choices you are making right now to betray his trust will, and i mean will, end your marriage when he does find out. And he will because these things come out. 

He will find out you cheated with yiur married boss.
he will find out you continued to work for the guy you cheated with,
he will be hurt snd humiliate when he thinks back to everytimr he meets your boss.

He will be angry and loose all trust in you. Because you chose to betray him and keep this all a secret.

He will see it for what it is, a conspiracy between you and the OM to lie to him.

And it will end your marriage.

You can change how that day that ends your marriage in the future turns out. You can choose to be faithful to him and tell him the truth now. Now you have a chance. When he does find out in a year, or 
Two or ten. It will destroy him and it will end your marriage.


----------



## Shaggy

You say you will spend your life showing that you love him,yet you won't do this important thing now. That seriously doesn't bode we'll for the future. You back away from the hard stuff because their is risk to you, and betrayal of your OM.


----------



## A++

Cheryl88 said:


> I am now officially engaged & couldn’t be any happier!
> 
> I thought so hard about everything in this thread but I think that the decision I’ve made is for the greater good. I know that we are perfect together, madly in love with each other & will spend the rest of our lives together – *nothing is more important than that*. We’re hoping for a summer wedding & neither of us can wait!


Just Woow!!

I bet that you will cheat on him after your marriage...


----------



## Malaise

*Future Thread*

Dear TAM

This is my first post and I need some advice.

I got married last June and I just found out that my wife (C) had an affair with her married boss before we got engaged.

The boss got caught by his wife and gave up the names of his affair partners. my wife was on the list.

C tells me that the affair has been over for years but they still worked together all that time. Is she telling the truth? I can't believe that it's over if they still see each other every day.

She kept this from me for all this time and I feel like a fool.

She says that she kept it from me for her, I mean our, own good.

Why don't I believe her?

C's Hubby

Implausible???


----------



## shell89

The truth always comes out sooner or later and then you will lose this man who you "love" so much. Your full of crap. If you loved him-you would not sneak around behind his back, lie, cheat and then marry him and build your whole life around a lie. 

The truth is you are a ho arnt you? and you are not marriage material! Hopefully he will wake up soon and see you for what you really are. Selfish, love rat, spoiled brat who has no real morals, integrity or empathy for this man who has given you 5 years of his life! 

When the truth finally comes out-come back here and let us know when he dumps your ass and then you can stand back and watch as he meets someone else and marries her. 

You will be alone and miserable and he will be just fine.. Its much easier to move on when you find out the person you loved is a fake and when you see the real person for who they are. Once he realizes that he doesnt really know you at all-hell be gone.


----------



## shell89

The truth will come out, the truth will come out, the truth will come out. Just wait and see


----------



## Lordhavok

Shes a cake eater, I hope he finds out before the wedding, by omission he's her cuckhold.


----------



## Davelli0331

Cheryl88 said:


> I can’t even describe how close I came to opening up to my fiance over lunch today. It’s been building like a pressure cooker inside my head for so long. Ultimately though, the consequences are just too great and I can’t do it. I need to move on from this now and get on with the rest of my life because it’s all getting too much.
> 
> The distinction between people who are genuinely trying to help & give advice and the people who are out purely to name call & criticise is getting all too blurry, so thank you but this thread is now officially done – my decision has been made. I love him with all of my heart & I will spend the rest of my life showing it. THAT is the most important thing out of all of this.
> 
> Larry, he isn’t cheating as far as I’m aware but honestly – I have no idea. I don’t want to be associated with him in any way anymore & getting a new job will be my way to do that. I appreciate what you’re saying, but I really don’t think he’d be like that. It’s all ifs, buts and maybes but I think doing what I’m doing has the best chance of having a happy outcome for all concerned & most importantly, my fiance and me.
> 
> Madman, I’ve never regretted anything more in my life. The words that you are using are not applicable to me in any way. I’ve acted horribly in the past and I feel ashamed looking back, I truly do. I will make up for all of that in OUR future together.


My W cheated on me while we were dating and engaged, but I did not find out about it until years later. Read the story here.

As has been stated, you are taking one mistake, cheating, and compounding it with deception.

These things come out, often when you least expect them, and often in ways you would have never guessed. I found out when one of my W's AP's told me out of guilt. If not for that, my W would have taken it to her grave.

By doing that, my W robbed me of being able to make a truly informed decision about whether or not I wanted to marry her. I literally entered into our marriage under false pretenses. My W knew that if I knew the truth, I'd have called the wedding off. That is by far the deepest hurt of her deception.

The funny thing is I always knew something was up before I found out. It was always so obvious to me that my W had created a wall between her and me, and it was because of the massive guilt she felt. Our marriage was weak, our sex life sucked, etc etc.

After I found out, and she came clean about everything was she finally able to start acting like a W.

That's the road you're headed down if you don't tell your BF and choose to essentially trick him into marriage. Harsh words, but they are true.


----------



## shell89

She has been found out everyone. Her fiance saw this on their computer. He dumped her, kicked her out and the funny thing is she still tried to lie over and over and over again until she was blue in the face.

Now shes texting him saying how sorry she is blah blah blah. Well she has lost a good man who she didn't deserve. I was just browsing through the internet looking up other people who have been betrayed as I have and I wanted someone to talk to...

I came across a post on a different forum and it was this little madams fiance talking about how he just found out.. 

She should be ashamed of herself. She took away five and a half years of his life and it was all one big fat lie. He wont marry her. Hes done! and its no more than she deserves..


----------



## Jonesey

shell89 said:


> She has been found out everyone. Her fiance saw this on their computer. He dumped her, kicked her out and the funny thing is she still tried to lie over and over and over again until she was blue in the face.
> 
> Now shes texting him saying how sorry she is blah blah blah. Well she has lost a good man who she didn't deserve. I was just browsing through the internet looking up other people who have been betrayed as I have and I wanted someone to talk to...
> 
> I came across a post on a different forum and it was this little madams fiance talking about how he just found out..
> 
> 
> She should be ashamed of herself. She took away five and a half years of his life and it was all one big fat lie. He wont marry her. Hes done! and its no more than she deserves..


I hope you aren´t just messing with us.But i hope it´s true.
This OP i have to say is on my top 5 list of the most frustrating ,to put it mildley .Ever

Can you PM me wich forum?
She should be ashamed of herself. She took away five and a half years of his life and it was all one big fat lie. He wont marry her. Hes done! and its no more than she deserves..


----------



## Jonesey

BTW 
How did he find out?


----------



## boogaloo2

Cheryl88 said:


> Hi, my name's Chez & I've been with my boyfriend on/off for 5 & a half years now & we've lived together for the last 2 years. He really is the best partner I could ever wish for & I love him to bits, I can't stress that enough.
> 
> Last week I accidently found a ring, a beautiful engagement ring, buried beneath a bunch of his things - obviously I'm ecstatic & have already ran through how he's gonna propose a billion times in my head! I had no idea he was thinking like that so its caught be my surprise but he's definitely the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
> 
> The problem is that I would feel sort of wrong marrying him with him not knowing that I've not always been faithful in the past.
> I'm not gonna go into any more details than that, but what do I do? The last thing I wanna do is break his heart & it actually seems that the best thing for everyone is to bury the past in the past & move on. I know I won't cheat on him again, especially not with an engagement, and with 2013 starting tomorrow it seems the perfect time to treat it as a clean slate & a fresh start.
> 
> I've been treat badly by previous partners in the past & my bf is the first good thing to happen to my life in a long time. I don't want to risk that for being stupid in the past.
> 
> I know people like to treat these things as black & white but this is a massive grey area in reality. I'm not even sure what responses I want, I just needed to get it off my chest.
> 
> Thanks. x


hi, you might want to read some of the responses ive had to my original post..really upsetting to me..and i didnt even cheat in 'body'


----------



## Thor

A link or a hint to find the other thread?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kylie84

Shell89, can you please post the link to the other thread on here? Thanks


----------



## boogaloo2

Thor said:


> A link or a hint to find the other thread?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Infidelity
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cheryl88

shell89 said:


> She has been found out everyone. Her fiance saw this on their computer. He dumped her, kicked her out and the funny thing is she still tried to lie over and over and over again until she was blue in the face.
> 
> Now shes texting him saying how sorry she is blah blah blah. Well she has lost a good man who she didn't deserve. I was just browsing through the internet looking up other people who have been betrayed as I have and I wanted someone to talk to...
> 
> I came across a post on a different forum and it was this little madams fiance talking about how he just found out..
> 
> She should be ashamed of herself. She took away five and a half years of his life and it was all one big fat lie. He wont marry her. Hes done! and its no more than she deserves..


Who are you and who the **** do you think you are? If you have something to say, say it to my face or at least PM me. Even better, stay the **** out of business which has nothing to do with you. 

There is nothing funny about any of this you total *****. I hope you have your heart broken.


----------



## Cheryl88

shell89 said:


> She has been found out everyone. Her fiance saw this on their computer. He dumped her, kicked her out and the funny thing is she still tried to lie over and over and over again until she was blue in the face.
> 
> Now shes texting him saying how sorry she is blah blah blah. Well she has lost a good man who she didn't deserve. I was just browsing through the internet looking up other people who have been betrayed as I have and I wanted someone to talk to...
> 
> I came across a post on a different forum and it was this little madams fiance talking about how he just found out..
> 
> She should be ashamed of herself. She took away five and a half years of his life and it was all one big fat lie. He wont marry her. Hes done! and its no more than she deserves..


If you're telling the truth then give me the link. Or are you just some tragic attention seeker?


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> The one good thing here is...you are struggling with your conscience...this is how it works...you know you did something very wrong against this good man, he didn't deserve it at all.
> 
> When we truly love another...we will put them 1st... to give this man the full 100% truth ...is honorable... it is right... *it is the way of integrity*...and allow him to make up his own mind...this is his life & his future.
> 
> People can forgive... but they will want to understand WHY...you owe him this much...
> 
> Ask yourself this question... had he done this to you, would you want to know, wouldn't you feel this is your right??
> 
> And never discount these things showing up in the future... if this comes to light...your husband will NEVER trust you again -for keeping this from him ...it's no way to start a marriage.
> 
> All firm foundations are built upon Honesty... which builds Trust... it is upon you to convince him YOU have changed and this will never never never happen again ~before you take his ring.


Always top shelf advice from you!


----------



## keko

Cheryl88 said:


> Who are you and who the **** do you think you are? If you have something to say, say it to my face or at least PM me. Even better, stay the **** out of business which has nothing to do with you.
> 
> There is nothing funny about any of this you total *****. *I hope you have your heart broken.*


Just like your soon to be husband?


----------



## F-102

If you want people to "stay the **** out of business that has nothing to do with you", then why are you here on this forum?


----------



## Aunt Ava

Could I have another hint? I really really want to read his side of things.


----------



## Madman1

Cheryl88 said:


> And if being on this board has done one thing, its that I know I can’t stay in my job – I’ve already started looking elsewhere. It’s definitely an important part of moving on & leaving the past in the past.
> 
> 
> 
> I’m scared, not just scared, terrified, of one thing only and that is the man that I love & want to spend the rest of my life with leaving me.


Hey Chez, Did you ever find another job?


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Cheryl, do tell. Is what she said the truth? Have you been dumped?


----------



## Kylie84

This thread could potentially help someone in the same boat decide what to do about their future. I believe posting a link here to show the ramifications of an affair is in the best interest for all concerned. Shell?


----------



## shell89

I will not post it out of respect to her ex fiance. If he wants you all to see it-he will post it here himself. 

He has been hurt enough and does not need further humiliation. But the reason I joined this site in the first place was to see what he was talking about when he came to another forum looking for advice. 

OP I do not think there is anything "funny" about this situation. I am just pleased that he realized what you are like before her wasted more time on you and lived a lie for another 5 years At least now he can meet someone honest like him with more integrity who will treat him they way he deserves to be treated. 

You are also a miserable cow for not giving him back his engagement ring by the way. That is nasty-you dont deserve to keep it but hes so decent he said "she can have it" as he is sick of all the drama and wants to move on with his life.

I suggest you leave him alone. If you ever loved him-you will respect his decision to be without you and let him go..


----------



## Madman1

Oh wow, in the beginning it was, I love him, he is the love of my life, I cant live without him, he is the best thing to ever happen to me, the important thing is that we love each other and are together forever. He has treated me better than my previous men

Now its FK HIM Im not giving that a-hole back his ring

I think I can make the term entitled princess stick now

You need to find a good therapist and work on your issues!!


----------



## Cheryl88

F-102 said:


> If you want people to "stay the **** out of business that has nothing to do with you", then why are you here on this forum?


There's a big difference between coming here for advice and then having some random ***** try to rub your nose in it 2/3 months later. No-one here knows the facts so don't bother giving your opinions on something you know sweet **** all about.



shell89 said:


> I will not post it out of respect to her ex fiance. If he wants you all to see it-he will post it here himself.
> 
> He has been hurt enough and does not need further humiliation. But the reason I joined this site in the first place was to see what he was talking about when he came to another forum looking for advice.
> 
> OP I do not think there is anything "funny" about this situation. I am just pleased that he realized what you are like before her wasted more time on you and lived a lie for another 5 years At least now he can meet someone honest like him with more integrity who will treat him they way he deserves to be treated.
> 
> You are also a miserable cow for not giving him back his engagement ring by the way. That is nasty-you dont deserve to keep it but hes so decent he said "she can have it" as he is sick of all the drama and wants to move on with his life.
> 
> I suggest you leave him alone. If you ever loved him-you will respect his decision to be without you and let him go..


What kind of person acts like this to someone they don't even know? I'll say it again, stay out of our business & stop talking about something you know nothing about. Attention seeker.



Madman1 said:


> Oh wow, in the beginning it was, I love him, he is the love of my life, I cant live without him, he is the best thing to ever happen to me, the important thing is that we love each other and are together forever. He has treated me better than my previous men
> 
> Now its FK HIM Im not giving that a-hole back his ring
> 
> I think I can make the term entitled princess stick now
> 
> You need to find a good therapist and work on your issues!!


People need to stop making assumptions, I AM NOT A SELF ENTITLED PRINCESS. I'm heartbroken, I've never felt more devastated. I literally don't know what to do. He is my soul mate & we're supposed to be together. I don't deserve to come on here & see people sticking the knife in.


----------



## NewM

Madman1 said:


> Oh wow, in the beginning it was, I love him, he is the love of my life, I cant live without him, he is the best thing to ever happen to me, the important thing is that we love each other and are together forever. He has treated me better than my previous men
> 
> Now its FK HIM Im not giving that a-hole back his ring
> 
> I think I can make the term entitled princess stick now
> 
> You need to find a good therapist and work on your issues!!


She left herself logged in on their mutual laptop :rofl:
At least she is not smart entitled princess.


----------



## NewM

Now reading more and she really is entitled princess,she told him she will never forgive him for kicking her out for because of her cheating haha.


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## Cheryl88

NewM, where are you reading this?


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## NewM

Why didn't you give him his ring back?


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## A Bit Much

Cheryl88 said:


> There's a big difference between coming here for advice and then having some random ***** try to rub your nose in it 2/3 months later. *No-one here knows the facts* so don't bother giving your opinions on something you know sweet **** all about.
> 
> 
> 
> What kind of person acts like this to someone they don't even know? I'll say it again, *stay out of our business & stop talking about something you know nothing about*. Attention seeker.
> 
> 
> 
> *People need to stop making assumptions*, I AM NOT A SELF ENTITLED PRINCESS. *I'm heartbroken, I've never felt more devastated. I literally don't know what to do. He is my soul mate & we're supposed to be together.* I don't deserve to come on here & see people sticking the knife in.


I think you just let the cat out of the bag yourself here. Sorry your heart is broken, but you should have come clean with him from the start like almost everyone in this thread suggested. We could see this coming from a mile away.


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## Cheryl88

If anybody else has the link please post it, that's all I ask.


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## WorkingOnMe

You're not getting it from me. But I can tell he's really got his head on straight. I can't wait till he tells your bosses boss.


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## Ryan_sa

Cheryl,
look at it this way, the truth is out, and if your relationship can be salvaged you can go into it with no secrets.

I dont know if you and your partner are talking, but what I would suggest is for you to write a letter, and tell him EVERYTHING. Take your time and choose your words carefully, tell him the details of the affair, how it makes you feel, tell him how you will repair the relationship, tell him how you feel about him, and whilst your writing it all out, think about what you want, what you feel and if your really willing to put in the effort it will take, for the rest of your life.
Read some of the threads about reconciliation, and false R. here to see what he will need, and what you will both go through, are you really willing to do that?
Then show him what kind of person you are, quit your job or get relocated or what ever, even if you have to lake a lower paying position somewhere else. If he phones you, and asks questions, be honest. Again, look through the threads here to see what your going to have to do.
There is a chance in all of this for you to carry on with your life, and make yourself a better person.


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## Thor

Cheryl88 said:


> People need to stop making assumptions, I AM NOT A SELF ENTITLED PRINCESS. I'm heartbroken, I've never felt more devastated. I literally don't know what to do. He is my soul mate & we're supposed to be together. I don't deserve to come on here & see people sticking the knife in.


I think you'll see in the vast majority of the responses we were all rooting for you to keep the relationship. But we all said the same thing too, which was when he found out about the infidelities it would be devastating.

You did this to yourself. First you made poor choices with cheating. But most of all you made the decision to *continue being dishonest*.

It is your *dishonesty* which doomed the relationship, not sex with other people.


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## Caribbean Man

Cheryl88 said:


> NewM, where are you reading this?


Cheryl,

I was one of the posters rooting for you.

Why don't you tell us exactly what happened.


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## Goldmember357

Cheryl88 said:


> Who are you and who the **** do you think you are? If you have something to say, say it to my face or at least PM me. Even better, stay the **** out of business which has nothing to do with you.
> 
> There is nothing funny about any of this you total *****. I hope you have your heart broken.


This kind of behavior you are exhibiting will do well in assuring that you suffer many more years of internal turmoil within your head. While also suffering in every other aspect of your life. 

You need help you cannot see what is wrong with you and your problems until addressed will prevent you from ever being happy let alone enjoying life.


Many nice posters try to help you and this is how you reply, they want you to see the error in your ways and you run from it.


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## Aunt Ava

You should at least do the honorable thing and return the ring.


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## Jonesey

Look 

Can you please show him some modicum of respect,.And let him have his own outlet while he deal´s whit this,with out you interfiering? Seriosly you owe him this much...


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## damiana879

Well, I do see the point here, you're in quite the dilemma. People can definitely change through years, and it sounds like you deeply regret doing what you did. 

I agree that telling him is a big trust factor, and you risk everything in telling him the truth. At the same time, this may be one of those things when he may find out years later, then be even more bitter that you held it from him. I know you love him, I can see it in your post, but I would definitely tell him before he proposes if you're going to. He should know too that your life wasn't put together years ago when it occurred. Your life was a wreck back then, but you've made efforts to change things and you're a better person now, that's what he needs to understand. It's difficult, I have had to forgive infidelity, just to have it happen to me again, but some people genuinely do change, I don't believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" thing, sometimes people go through bad spots in their lives and they do stupid things that they can't understand themselves. 

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do, it's a tough decision and you're in a tough spot. *HUGS* Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe

damiana879 said:


> Well, I do see the point here, you're in quite the dilemma. People can definitely change through years, and it sounds like you deeply regret doing what you did.
> 
> I agree that telling him is a big trust factor, and you risk everything in telling him the truth. At the same time, this may be one of those things when he may find out years later, then be even more bitter that you held it from him. I know you love him, I can see it in your post, but I would definitely tell him before he proposes if you're going to. He should know too that your life wasn't put together years ago when it occurred. Your life was a wreck back then, but you've made efforts to change things and you're a better person now, that's what he needs to understand. It's difficult, I have had to forgive infidelity, just to have it happen to me again, but some people genuinely do change, I don't believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" thing, sometimes people go through bad spots in their lives and they do stupid things that they can't understand themselves.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do, it's a tough decision and you're in a tough spot. *HUGS* Good luck.


You might want to read the rest of the thread. The cat's out of the bag already.


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## Jasel

This thread went from vomit inducing to orgasm inducing:smthumbup::smthumbup:

I was 10 seconds away from posting a pic of a big giant cake and telling the OP not to choke on it.


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## Jasel

keko said:


> Which site is the bf posting?


www.sweetjesusidodgedabullet.com most likely


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## keko

Cheater justice.

You made your bed now you can sleep in it cheryl. 

:lol:


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## Madman1

Get some Individual counseling, do you not get that you need that! Almost everyone here has at some point, and you obviously need it to. No decent man will come near you with the problems you have. Change brings hope!


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## SimplyAmorous

I missed all the drama... how did he find out about her past ?? Did she tell him .... Is HE posting on here or something?


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## NewM

She left herself logged on on their laptop


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## tryingtobebetter

I am wondering if it was her conscience that subconsciously caused her to do that. Our subconscious mind can be very powerful at times.

And before anyone jumps in, yes I know a lot of you may question whether she has a conscience. But at times I think she was genuinely agonising over the right course. That was why she originally came here.

The mind is very strange and complex at times.


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## Malaise

tryingtobebetter said:


> I am wondering if it was her conscience that subconsciously caused her to do that. Our subconscious mind can be very powerful at times.
> 
> And before anyone jumps in, yes I know a lot of you may question whether she has a conscience. But at times I think she was genuinely agonising over the right course. That was why she originally came here.
> 
> The mind is very strange and complex at times.


She was agonizing, that's true. But Chery only agonized, I think, about the consequeces for her, not how it would affect her fiance.

Correct me if I'm wrong people (and I know you will), but it is a definition of self centered, narcisstic, entitlement.

What she wants is whats important, everyone else is collateral damage.

I'm sorry this happened Cheryl, but most of us advised telling him even though it was dangerous to do. Not the easiest choice but the most honest.

I havn't read his comments, don't have the link, but I'm guessing the coverup was worse than the 'crime' in his eyes.

With me, and perhaps most men, the lies by omission and non transparency are cardinal sins. Just tell us the truth and let the chips fall where they may. 

It's better than living a lie, always wondering when the truth will come out.

As it did.


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## Jasel

tryingtobebetter said:


> I am wondering if it was her conscience that subconsciously caused her to do that. Our subconscious mind can be very powerful at times.
> 
> And before anyone jumps in, yes I know a lot of you may question whether she has a conscience. But at times I think she was genuinely agonising over the right course. That was why she originally came here.
> 
> The mind is very strange and complex at times.


I don't think she was agnozing over anything. I think she felt bad. But that's about it. Reading this thread it seemed quite clear she had already made up her mind about what she was going to do before she even came here. Which was keep what she did from her boyfriend. Period. She just wanted validation for a choice she already made and no one would give it to her.

Pretty much everyone in this thread with the exception of maybe like 2 people were telling her to be honest with her boyfriend and let him choose whether she was who he wanted to marry knowing what she had done. All of her responses despite the self-pity parade, expressions of token remorse and guilt, basically boiled down to "nope".


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## Jonesey

Jasel said:


> I don't think she was agnozing over anything. I think she felt bad. But that's about it. Reading this thread it seemed quite clear she had already made up her mind about what she was going to do before she even came here. Which was keep what she did from her boyfriend. Period. She just wanted validation for a choice she already made and no one would give it to her.
> 
> Pretty much everyone in this thread with the exception of maybe like 2 people were telling her to be honest with her boyfriend and let him choose whether she was who he wanted to marry knowing what she had done. All of her responses despite the self-pity parade, expressions of token remorse and guilt, basically boiled down to "nope".



I somehow get what Trying is trying to say. But however i think she just got the wrong idea of the title "Coping with Infidelity" And made the mistake thinking this was a safe place.To rally support. I sometime see that here..

But she picked the wrong place..SI.com more her cup of te.

And then her arogant EGO prevented her from bolting


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## Decorum

When her boyfriend confronted her about her thread, she denied it over and again. Lied and lied and lied, I dont know how that got there, that is someone elses thread, etc..oh what a tangled web we weave...


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## Zing

I've been through annoyance, amazement, disbelief, utter confusion and finally apathy while reading through this...Now, If Jerry Springer was an online forum/thread....


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## F-102

It's like she's like a criminal who would say:

"I admit to robbing the bank and killing the guard, a mother and her child in cold blood. Now I expect a full pardon and a reward for being honest, or my life will be ruined."


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Cheryl88:

I gave up at page 4! You are so FULL OF IT, a totally selfish, insincere, immature little girl! 


You won't even be honest with strangers; you refuse to tell us HOW MANY guys you've been with OTHER THAN YOUR BF in the 5.5 years you've known him. Leads me to believe it's been at least 3-4 other guys!
You *KNOW* you're NEVER gonna cheat again! 'Cuz you're _meant to be together_! [insert birds chirping and stars twinkling] But weren't you two fated to be together since you MET....why then didn't ALL THAT magic karma dust keep you from being a SERIAL cheater?
If what you've written here (angry, defensive, justifying) is an example of HOW MUCH YOU'VE GROWN AND CHANGED....ugh! You're a deluded cheater who is hoping if she stamps her foot loudly enough IT WILL BE SO! (not unlike a 3-year old who insists she WON'T go to bed and you can't make her!)
Let your BF know WHO YOU ARE as well as WHO YOU'VE BEEN *before* he asks you to marry him. Otherwise, YOU'RE treating him like a child because YOU make the decisions FOR HIM (he won't know what's good for him...YOU do).
AT LEAST ONE of the guys you cheated with is MARRIED, STILL WORKING WITH YOU, and UNHAPPY at the thought of you 'blowing up' HIS 'happy' marriage! Yeah, I could see where THAT would take precedence over clueing in your bf that you're a "REFORMED" liar and cheater!
If you're not going to come clean to your bf BEFORE he proposes (and you won't...you're going to rug-sweep ALL your affairs and cheating, now and in the future), at least make sure he can find this website. He'll NEED it in the future.
How can I ASSUME you're going to cheat in the future! YOU have proven if CONTINUALLY. Not only HAVE you cheated in the past, but even now when you COULD straighten things out and be an HONEST UPRIGHT person, you REFUSE. You're STILL taking the EASY WAY OUT by lying and rugsweeping! Just like you CHEATED because it was an easier, quicker 'fix' than working on your relationship. Now LYING (by omission) is an easier, quicker 'fix' than coming clean.

You haven't changed ONE LITTLE BIT! Good luck with *that*!


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## JCD

The only purpose I see for wanting to see the other thread your fiance is posting on is to see what he actually knows so you can refute it.

That is not fair or honorable or good.

So instead of worrying about that, be perfectly clean and clear. Report your boss to show remorse and apologize to his wife.

Make your ex see that you have changed by living life honestly and fairly instead of protecting your and your boss's interests.


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## Cobre

so... her fiancé did find out...?


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## woman

Can someone please PM me the link?


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## BjornFree

I'd like a pm of the link as well. I forgot about this one but its take quite a turn


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## TOMTEFAR

I'd like a pm of the link as well.


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## NotEZ

Me too please. I don't know of any other sites and wouldn't know where to begin looking
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Do did the scumbag boss get exposed to his wife and at work? He deserved to loose his job.


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## BjornFree

Shaggy said:


> Do did the scumbag boss get exposed to his wife and at work? He deserved to loose his job.


I don't think the scumbag boss is gonna lose his job. The best we can hope for is that her bf exposed it to the OMW.


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## Jonesey

Do people still wont the link? let me know,i finally found the bookmark., to her i hope soon to be ex husband.


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## Cobre

I would Like the link to this, i really want to know how things have ended up, and if he is doing ok.


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## Shaggy

Cobre said:


> I would Like the link to this, i really want to know how things have ended up, and if he is doing ok.


So long as he keeps her perma dumped he will be ok.


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## Tuyu2000

Jonesey said:


> Do people still wont the link? let me know,i finally found the bookmark., to her i hope soon to be ex husband.


I've just read through the entire thread, and if someone could PM me the link to this other post, I'd certainly appreciate it.


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## OlderAndWiser

Also just read the entire post. Please PM me the link. Thanks.


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## Madman1

By now she has banged her boss a few more times and found a new "true love" who will remain clueless until she gets caught again, poor guy!

After all she is in a "bad place" right now!


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## ASummersDay

If anyone still has the link to her (ex?) fiance's thread, I'd really like to see what happened.


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