# New Here ...



## newjoy777 (Nov 28, 2011)

I just joined this site today, but wish I'd found it ages ago. So much wisdom and support ... it gives me hope.

I've been married for 23 years and am now in the final weeks before moving to my own house in january. I have two wonderful kids, a 15-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter (she's away at college). My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for most of our marriage, and he cheated on me, first about 12 years ago, and then again several times in the past two years. Perhaps more times; I can't be sure.

There are a couple of things that made our marriage especially difficult. My husband was abused by a guy as a child, and his cheating was with other guys, not women. He denies being gay, admits to bi, but says he only wants a "real relationship" with a woman. I went through years of counselling and such with him, but never truly could reconcile myself to this reality--it was not something I knew about when we got married.

And to makes things even more complicated, he was diagnosed with and treated for cancer two years ago (he is now cancer-free and hopefully will stay that way). I was already very unhappy but didn't feel I could abandon him at such a terribly vulnerable time. I wasn't the most emotionally supportive person during all of it, because his abuse and cheating got worse when the stress was on, but I did stick it out. Until finally, this past spring, I couldn't do it anymore.

I also cheated, finally, but only after he had done so multiple times. Not an excuse, of course. But I honestly no longer considered myself married. I knew I wanted out, and told him so. And I was terribly, terribly lonely.

So now I'm making all the preparations for leaving, and we've told our kids (hardest thing I've ever done), and I'm trying to manage all the different emotions and the millions of things that have to be managed to make this happen. It feels like it will crush me some days. I pray for a light at the end of this long, dark, smothering tunnel.

Sorry so long .... but thanks for listening.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

newjoy777 said:


> I just joined this site today, but wish I'd found it ages ago. So much wisdom and support ... it gives me hope.
> 
> I've been married for 23 years and am now in the final weeks before moving to my own house in january. I have two wonderful kids, a 15-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter (she's away at college). My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for most of our marriage, and he cheated on me, first about 12 years ago, and then again several times in the past two years. Perhaps more times; I can't be sure.
> 
> ...


Sounds like it was a fairly toxic situation - all around.

Hopefully, you'll find that getting away from the relationship will be the right choice.

Good luck!


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

newjoy777 said:


> I just joined this site today, but wish I'd found it ages ago. So much wisdom and support ... it gives me hope.
> 
> I've been married for 23 years and am now in the final weeks before moving to my own house in january. I have two wonderful kids, a 15-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter (she's away at college). My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for most of our marriage, and he cheated on me, first about 12 years ago, and then again several times in the past two years. Perhaps more times; I can't be sure.
> 
> ...


Hang in there. You are not alone!


----------



## newjoy777 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thanks, it helps so much to know I'm not alone. And yes, it's been very toxic and extraordinarily painful at times. What surprises me, though, is that I guess I expected to feel more relief and less conflict once I truly started moving ahead with plans for the separation. And it isn't that I feel at all conflicted about ending my relationship with him; it's just the reality of moving, changing, all of the usual routines going away, and worst of all the potential impact on my children. This is so hard. He's making me out to be the bad guy because I'm the one who asked for the split, and of course I can't tell my children the real reason (although they've witnessed his rageful behavior for years).

Ugh. This just sucks. Wish there was an easier way.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

newjoy777 said:


> Ugh. This just sucks. Wish there was an easier way.


I know, I know....there isn't an easy way. So sad.

All we can do is toughen up.

The truly sad thing, like the song, Love is the answer. When love is present, everything falls into place. When one person falls out of love for whatever reason, it is like a tornado destroying a beautful pasture.

Guess we just need to know when the storm is over there will be new pastures ahead!


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

newjoy777 said:


> Thanks, it helps so much to know I'm not alone. And yes, it's been very toxic and extraordinarily painful at times. What surprises me, though, is that I guess I expected to feel more relief and less conflict once I truly started moving ahead with plans for the separation. And it isn't that I feel at all conflicted about ending my relationship with him; it's just the reality of moving, changing, all of the usual routines going away, and worst of all the potential impact on my children. This is so hard. He's making me out to be the bad guy because I'm the one who asked for the split, and of course I can't tell my children the real reason (although they've witnessed his rageful behavior for years).
> 
> Ugh. This just sucks. Wish there was an easier way.


I know it probably doesn't help know - but if you keep to the "high road" - your kids will look back one day and figure it out. Right now - the less you say to them - the better. They're just kids and are unable to understand. They just need to know that you are both still there for them and that this ISN'T THEIR FAULT.

And even though things were bad and lousy - you're losing a lot of your dreams. Things are changing - and not everything is changing for the better.

Its a hard, difficult process. That relief you're expecting will come - it's just going to take some time.

Good luck...


----------



## newjoy777 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thanks again. And yes, I agree that taking the high road is the right choice. It won't do them any good to try to deal with the complexities of their parents' marriage beyond what they have to. And in spite of everything, I want him to be in their lives, because he is a devoted father. We're splitting custody of our son 50/50 (since our daughter is an adult, she makes her own choices, but we've agreed to both encourage her to spend time equally if possible). God knows they'll have enough to manage without trying to understand that their dad may prefer men. Of course, kids are smart; they may have an inkling anyway. But it's up to him to decide if/when to tell them about it.

Sigh.


----------



## newjoy777 (Nov 28, 2011)

Wow ... I've read so many posts on here about STBXs trying to put all the blame on us during separation, but I never knew just how bad it could be until now. My husband spent years cheating on me, lying about his sexuality, screaming obscenities at me for hours sometimes (I've been called every possible filthy name in the book, oftentimes in front of my kids--and when I would try to comfort them about it, he would yell at me for doing that), telling me that he wished I would die, etc. Now that I have finally said I can't live this way and must leave him, he is suddenly putting ALL the blame for our marriage failure on me.

He is telling me I'm abandoning him, ruining our children's lives, and that I (not him) have been abusive throughout out marriage. He claims that my abuse was passive-aggressive, that I created all of his behaviors because I'm the sick one, not him.
This from a man who I feared for most of my marriage, because he was so completely controlling and unpredictable.

I don't get this at all. I've acknowledged my failings, said that I know I'm not perfect and I hurt him at times, but I can't believe this vast attempt to rewrite history and frame me as the bad person. My friends and family have seen his behavior and told me for years that I should consider leaving. I'm not making this stuff up. Most recently (in August), he went out at 3 am to try to hook up with a guy he met on the internet, was drunk, ran out of gas, and got picked up by the cops. He called my 19-year-old daughter to come and get him!! But I'm the bad person here?

I have until January 5 before I will be moving out, and I don't know how to continue dealing with his accusations, telling me what a terrible person I am, that I need psychological help, etc. I am trying desparately to take the high road and be civil for the sake of my 15-year-old son (my daughter is away at college). But it is utterly exhausting. In the meantime, he is trying to push for primary custody of our son (because he's been at home running a failing business while I've supported the family for the last 2 years) and a larger chunk of our assets.

This just completely sucks.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It doesn't have to be exhausting. Practice a wise statement from Sun Tzu (The Art of War): "Deny the enemy what they want".

Unfortunately, he is the enemy of your positive emotions. DO NOT play his blame game at all. Let him rant all he wants. Ignore him. He's trying to get to you to justify his own poor decisions. Don't play. If you need to leave the house, take your son and go window shopping for a few hours. Share a snack and talk to him. He probably has things to say to you.

I can only imagine how much it sucks. But you are holding all of the cards, as you always have. Use them to protect you and your kids. 

Remember, you are in charge. Focus on you and the kids. Let the negative enjoy his own company.


----------

