# He had 4 orgasms. She none.



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

How selfish is that?? 
I find it extremely selfish.

My 20 year old cousin lost her virginity last week and she told me she couldn't orgasm. From what I know, having orgasms when you have sex for the first time is almost impossible. I get that.

Wouldn't it be better if he concentrated more on pleasuring her instead?
Also, it all lasted 1 hour. Sounds like he didn't put much effort. 

Guys, what would you do if you were him?
Girls, how would you feel if you were her?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lol hes only 20 and hasn't learn how to be a good lover yet! 


and she needs to speak up if shes ever going to have orgasms. and if he don't care to listen then she should move on.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around to hear it, is the man still wrong?


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Well, at 20, I would have told the guy that I need him to do this. Take his hand and show him. I was pretty bold at 20.

She should take this as a learning lesson, and speak up. If he doesn't listen, then it's time to find someone who is compatible enough that he will.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Honestly, men are not mind readers, and every woman is different. Some women don't like oral, some don't like manual stimulation, some can't orgasm vaginally, etc. How is he supposed to know what she wants without her telling him? 

Also, I didn't have a vaginal orgasm until over a year of being sexually active. It's not like it's a given once you start having sex. She has to be willing to experiment and communicate with him what she wants. The first time I had oral done on me, it took almost 45 minutes to orgasm because I didn't know to relax. 

Just because he had 4 in an hour doesn't mean he's a selfish jerk. Tell her to communicate. Guys _like_ giving oral most of the time. My husband was just worried I'd slap him for asking me if he could give it to me.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Your cousin first needs to teach herself, then she can bring her moves into the sack. I always O. Every. Time. But wasn't always that way, certainly not the first time, when I had to literally limp and do the 'one cheek sit' through the next few days...


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Yeah she has to make herself orgasm first, that's the key to the gate


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> lol hes only 20 and hasn't learn how to be a good lover yet!
> 
> 
> and she needs to speak up if shes ever going to have orgasms. and if he don't care to listen then she should move on.


:iagree:








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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Women have to take some responsibility for their own orgasms, I think. If she wanted one and didn't get it, she needs to work with him to make it happen. It is a learning process with new partners. 

On the other hand, some guys are selfish lovers, and can't be bothered with their partner's orgasm. If she's with one of them, again she needs to speak up. And make sure she gets hers.

C
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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Lovelygirl, you are thinking and talking with her from your more mature and experienced point of view. I am betting that you asked her if she orgasmed and had you not asked her, I wonder if she would have brought up the subject. 
1. The first time for girls is not usually a mind-blowing experience.

2. Most women don't have vaginal orgasms because they don't know they can and they and their partner don't know how.

3. It likely takes oral for her to orgasm but assuming he is roughly her age, he's as unskilled as she is inexperienced. 
4. I was much older when I met a guy went down on me the first time we had sex. Before him, it took the second or third time of being together before a guy went down. I assumed in those days that there was some kind of warming period before men would do that. 

I feel bad for her that she has to speak up. I know young women her age are shy and uncomfortable talking about sex and what they need. They normally don't have any idea what they need or how they need it done. It's likely she knows nothing at all since this was her first time. She needed to rely on him to take the lead, but he has not been taught anything either. Poor girl.

Maybe you should talk to him or have your husband/boyfriend/cousin/somebody talk and educate him. And, maybe you can talk to her. When they come together the next time, they will have a framework to start from.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

A great percenatge of women don't orgasm during intercourse and the dude was 20.

You're being way too rough on him for something entirely out of his control jeez
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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

he came 4 times? are you sure? Is that even possible? In one hours time?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> he came 4 times? are you sure? Is that even possible? In one hours time?


It can be yes.

Odds are though, he faked some of those orgasms. The first time I was with my now fiancee, I faked some orgasms. She thought I 'went' four times, when really, I only went once and just kept going. I pretended to go a few more times, trying to impress her.

I did :smthumbup: 

Even though I later confessed that I had faked some orgasms, she still talks about that time, and gave me kudos for faking so well. She didn't know men could fake them.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> How selfish is that??
> I find it extremely selfish.
> 
> My 20 year old cousin lost her virginity last week and she told me she couldn't orgasm. From what I know, having orgasms when you have sex for the first time is almost impossible. I get that.
> ...


Oh, and you think his four orgasms all came as a result of her pleasuring him? They probably came from intercourse and what he was doing... He did his job. What did she do? Did she ride him and touch herself? Did she tell him to perform cunnilingus? Did she tell him to touch her? Did she do her job? If the girl didn't take charge of her own orgasm (unlike him who did take charge of his own) and direct herself or him to assist with it, then how the hell is he selfish? If anything she is kind of boring at it herself and only had a guy that interested in her because the guy was a virgin... That will not fly for either of them later in life. lol We'd need more details here on how it went....

But they were virgins both of them! Of course she doesn't know what she's doing much maybe... Can't blame herself either, but to say he was selfish is quite femininely narrow-minded.

Tell me she asked him several times to perform oral on her and he didn't want to, and THEN we could say he might be selfish, again, talking about twenty-year-old virgins... Cut them some slack!
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> Oh, and you think his four orgasms all came as a result of her pleasuring him? They probably came from intercourse and what he was doing... He did his job. What did she do? Did she ride him and touch herself? Did she tell him to perform cunnilingus? Did she tell him to touch her? Did she do her job? If the girl didn't take charge of her own orgasm (unlike him who did take charge of his own) and direct herself or him to assist with it, then how the hell is he selfish? If anything she is kind of boring at it herself and only had a guy that interested in her because the guy was a virgin... That will not fly for either of them later in life. lol We'd need more details here on how it went....
> 
> But they were virgins both of them! Of course she doesn't know what she's doing much maybe... Can't blame herself either, but to say he was selfish is quite femininely narrow-minded.
> 
> ...


True, I`m quite sure it his orgasms weren`t her doing but his.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Maybe the biggest issue here is the inexperience factor that the girl or both have, which makes orgasms difficult.

The girl I dated in college would have multiple orgasms while we had sex. I only got to go once at a time while she got to go 4 or more times in one love making session. Is that fair???


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> How selfish is that??
> I find it extremely selfish.
> 
> My 20 year old cousin lost her virginity last week and she told me she couldn't orgasm. From what I know, having orgasms when you have sex for the first time is almost impossible. I get that.
> ...


Assuming he was the same age as her, a 19/20 year old has the chance to spend an hour with a girl, and you expect him NOT to cum as much as he can fit into that time? How many guys that age do you expect to know how to please a woman to orgasm, especially their FIRST time?

:scratchhead:

Lawd.



hotdogs said:


> he came 4 times? are you sure? Is that even possible? In one hours time?


Yes. It is very possible. I would know.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Well they he must have stopped and waited for awhile in between. They probably had intercourse 4 different times within the hour. It's impossible for a guy to keep having sex after orgasming 4 times. After the 1st, but definitely the 2nd, his penis would have become to soft for penetration.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> How selfish is that??
> I find it extremely selfish.
> 
> My 20 year old cousin lost her virginity last week and she told me she couldn't orgasm. From what I know, having orgasms when you have sex for the first time is almost impossible. I get that.
> ...


If he just popped his cherry too he's going to be a sensative as heck. I mean he is probably inexperienced I remember my first time I almost blew the moment I stuck it in. I came back strong and she got hers. Four times in one hour sounds like he is in virgin territory. So IMO cut him some slack. Tell him to go watch some instructional videos on how to involve your fingers and get some numbing cream.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

To make things clear.
He's 23. She's 20. It wasn't his first time. According to her, he lost his virginity when he was 16. 
So I wouldn't say he's inexperienced. I think he should've known better.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> To make things clear.
> He's 23. She's 20. It wasn't his first time. According to her, he lost his virginity when he was 16.
> So I wouldn't say he's inexperienced. I think he should've known better.


You're still not giving the guy enough credit. How COULD he have known better? Every sexual partner is going to be different, and he can't read her mind. If she wanted an orgasm, she should have opened her mouth and said so.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I don't really see how he would have known. They aren't the same person, and he couldn't exactly read what she liked or doesn't. People's bodies react differently so I really don't think it matters if he was with someone. She should have spoke up and voiced what she wanted, instead of relying on him to figure it out. Nothing wrong with a woman who knows what she wants and how to communicate that with her partner.

In her next sexual encounter (with him or someone else), she should take this as a learning experience and talk to him about what gets her off and what doesn't.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> To make things clear.
> He's 23. She's 20. It wasn't his first time. According to her, he lost his virginity when he was 16.
> So I wouldn't say he's inexperienced. I think he should've known better.


She sounds like she lost her virginity, it was way below what she expected, and she regrets how she lost it.

Tell her to join the party. Most people's first time sucks. She'll get over it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> To make things clear.
> He's 23. She's 20. It wasn't his first time. According to her, he lost his virginity when he was 16.
> So I wouldn't say he's inexperienced. I think he should've known better.


Why is it his fault?

My orgasm is my responsibility (for lack of a better word). I know what feels good to me and it's my responsibility to communicate that to my partner. If he's a generous partner he will act on that feedback. But ultimately he can't make me orgasm, only I can. After all, a lot of it happens in between the ears and that's totally under her control, not his. There are times a guy can give it his all, but maybe you're stressed, had a bad day, whatever, and you just can't get off. It's not his fault if that happens.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

20 years old and went a full hour of sex with multiple orgasms. Sure as hell sounds like he tried. As someone else said, women are different, they don't all like the same thing, the same way. I know what my first liked, my wife does not. So, you have to learn someone in those situations. If you have expectations you better learn to be patient and talk.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Frankly said:


> Yup, very possible... but there must be a break between rounds.
> I myself Offed 7 times in about 2 hrs-- 10 times in one night (different night)-- In both occasions, I was in my early 40s.


Just out of curiosity, what for?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> How selfish is that??
> I find it extremely selfish.
> 
> My 20 year old cousin lost her virginity last week and she told me she couldn't orgasm. From what I know, having orgasms when you have sex for the first time is almost impossible. I get that.
> ...


Its her job to orgasm, not his. would she be to blame if he didnt cum and she cummed 4 times? no. If they were doing it for an hour there was plenty enough time for her.

If she cant tell him how to make her cum, then its all on her. she should find out how to make herself cum before expecting someone else to do it.

and as for being selfish, a guy can cum in less than 5 mins - he went for an hour. sounds pretty damned generous to me.

Why do women think guys are responsible for their orgams???


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Lovely girl is not getting it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Who cares if he was 30 and has had 100 partners? Did she do or tell him to do what she needed? Better yet, does she even KNOW what she needed? He sure won't short of ESP unless she said something... She'll start figuring it out as she gets more practice, and then she'll be able to blame her partners... If I don't know how to order a cheesesteak from Pat's in Philly, it won't be their fault if I don't get what I ordered.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

And some women can't orgasm at all, has she ever by her own hand ? I think if a girl can't do it herself, she is going to really stumble when she 1st gets with a guy. I started having them immediately -but I was having them for years before that -I knew what it took, what made me feel good, and getting on top did it quite nicely. Tell her to do that! Go for it -Rock him.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Lovely girl... I seem to recall that you said in a previous post that you're a virgin so perhaps that's why you think it's his responsibility if she didn't orgasm. You have these ideas of what it's supposed to be like without any practical experience with the subject matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

yeah no comment.


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## roger boschman (Aug 3, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> How selfish is that??
> I find it extremely selfish.
> 
> My 20 year old cousin lost her virginity last week and she told me she couldn't orgasm. From what I know, having orgasms when you have sex for the first time is almost impossible. I get that.
> ...


 Certainly, he should take more care for her. If he can have 4 orgasms, he could also wait for her to have one - or more. If there is a next time, she should ask him to give her at least one orgasm before he has his own. -- Roger G.Boschman, Therapist


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

roger boschman said:


> Certainly, he should take more care for her. If he can have 4 orgasms, he could also wait for her to have one - or more. If there is a next time, she should ask him to give her at least one orgasm before he has his own. -- Roger G.Boschman, Therapist


you presume she knows how to orgasm among other things.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Poor guy what is he suppose to do, i think he tried.

She was a virgin, how many virgin girls have orgasms on their first time, i know i didn't. I certainly didn't blame it on the guy.

Tell her the orgasms will come with time, she needs to explore with what pleasures her first, once she has learnt her own body then try again with a guy.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

roger boschman said:


> Certainly, he should take more care for her. If he can have 4 orgasms, he could also wait for her to have one - or more. If there is a next time, she should ask him to give her at least one orgasm before he has his own. -- Roger G.Boschman, Therapist


He waited an hour... Maybe she had no clue what to do and there was no pleasing her... Maybe she has had zero experimentation and this was her first experience... Oh wait, it was... Too many assumptions, and of course the OP has not provided the details.

Do you believe the boy told her, "Shhhh... Hush, I don't want to hear it. You just sit there, keep whatever it is you'd like me to do with/to you to yourself, and hang tight while I drill you like you're a dead fish for an hour. Thanks"? In that case, then your advice would indeed apply.
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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Poor guy what is he suppose to do, i think he tried.
> 
> She was a virgin, how many virgin girls have orgasms on their first time, i know i didn't. I certainly didn't blame it on the guy.
> 
> Tell her the orgasms will come with time, she needs to explore with what pleasures her first, once she has learnt her own body then try again with a guy.


I agree, but the OP seems to be searching for another answer that includes the boy was selfish.
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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

She needs the motto "she comes first"..

PERIOD...no one deserves to be used and left hanging out to dry..

How she can get him motivated?Tell him you arent capable of making me orgasm..NO wait thats "emascualting"..How about "you suck in bed" ???Nah emasculating..(poor guys havign 4 orasms while she is the mastabatory tool emascualting the man)...

How about lets explore MY body together interested?Have the time?If not interested and no time hes a selfish lover..Like there are millions of guys who its a GOAL to set her off ..

If shes "satisfied " with wham bam thank you mam " well then ..good for them ..otherwise lots of guys are curious what "buttons to push" to make her have "enjoyable" (besides the "do it for him") kind of sex..Its an accompishment thing ..a "challenge" that lends to the mans sexaul ego..(lucky for women)..Its not even "love" its part of a mans sexual ego he can make her feel good..Its the old "I want you to want me" ...Now why would you want somebody to want you that got nothing out of it?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> She needs the motto "she comes first"..
> 
> PERIOD...no one deserves to be used and left hanging out to dry..


Some people DO deserve it... If all I did was lay on my back quietly with my eyes closed while my wife did everything and got herself off with me not saying a word, I would DEFINITELY deserve to be left hanging out to dry. 

What is that girl, subordinate? All the power was in that boy, like he was her ruler and she was her subject? She couldn't speak up for herself? We still don't know if the OP, ooops, I mean the OP's friend did or didn't. Those details are not provided though you seem to know somehow.



dallasapple said:


> How she can get him motivated?Tell him you arent capable of making me orgasm..NO wait thats "emascualting"..How about "you suck in bed" ???Nah emasculating..(poor guys havign 4 orasms while she is the mastabatory tool emascualting the man)...


Sounds like he was motivated enough. He went at it for an hour. The REAL question is, how can HE get HER motivated? How could he get her to say, "Hey sweetheart, you feel like a dead fish, why don't you try telling me what you like..." 



dallasapple said:


> If shes "satisfied " with wham bam thank you mam " well then ..good for them ..otherwise lots of guys are curious what "buttons to push" to make her have "enjoyable" (besides the "do it for him") kind of sex..Its an accompishment thing ..a "challenge" that lends to the mans sexaul ego..(lucky for women)..Its not even "love" its part of a mans sexual ego he can make her feel good..Its the old "I want you to want me" ...Now why would you want somebody to want you that got nothing out of it?


That may have been one of those guys... Maybe, she was one of those girls who just sit there and say, "No, don't go down on me, it tickles too much... No don't touch me down there, it makes me want to pee... No, don't put your mouth there, that's disgusting... "

And if she was one of those girls, I would have blown a load once and told her to not be a corpse next time. If she was someone I loved, I'd have a discussion for the NEXT time that she needs to work on figuring out what she likes so that we COULD explore, or at least let me help her figure it out and just let me experiment on her... I'd also tell her to stop making a back and ass imprint of herself on the bed and to get up and do some exploring on me... There are tons of girls like this out there... 

Again, we don't have the details here to sympathize with either of them... We'd need a play-by-play.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

roger boschman said:


> Certainly, he should take more care for her. If he can have 4 orgasms, he could also wait for her to have one - or more. If there is a next time, she should ask him to give her at least one orgasm before he has his own. -- Roger G.Boschman, Therapist


Very strange advice coming from a supposed therapist. Most women do NOT orgasm during their first sexual encounter, regardless of how often the man may, or may not, orgasm. If she doesn't know her own body well, and he doesn't know how to press her buttons, suggesting that he hold off until she has an orgasm might be the equivalent of suggesting he wait at the New York Harbor until the Titanic finally arrives.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I don't have many details either but all she said was that he started vaginal penetration right away and all he did was striking in and out.
So, I don't think he even cared to please her or at least TEACH her how she could please herself at the same time.
As far as I know, there should have been some foreplay, then fingering, some clitoral stimulation THEN penetration so that should could have felt aroused. 

She's inexperienced so obviously he should have led her and they should have been working together. 
I don't think she was lying there like a dead fish but given that she didn't know better he could have told her how to help each other reach orgasm.

How would she help herself when she doesn't know how to?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't have many details either but all she said was that he started vaginal penetration right away and all he did was striking in and out.


So, was she okay with this? What did she do about it? What did she say about it?




lovelygirl said:


> So, I don't think he even cared to please her or at least TEACH her how she could please herself at the same time.


LOL... Who designated that teaching her was to be his JOB? Why should he have to? Who taught him? Did she ask him to try different things? Did she ask him to teach her, or she just assume it was his job? This reeks of primitive 1950's women's sexuality... I was hoping the movement had gone somewhere.



lovelygirl said:


> As far as I know, there should have been some foreplay, then fingering, some clitoral stimulation THEN penetration so that should could have felt aroused.


There is between most couples... Why wasn't there any here? Was he selfish and refused to? Was she uber-uncooperative and gave no clue or inkling as to what he should do to her? Did she try any moves herself? If not, why not? Who stopped her? Did he not permit it? Was he a ****? Was she too shy? It's CERTAINLY not his JOB by default, and it is not a THING he might WANT to do either unless she spoke up, got excited, got involved, and put some sexy womanly moves going, you know. I certainly wouldn't



lovelygirl said:


> She's inexperienced so obviously he should have led her and they should have been working together.
> I don't think she was lying there like a dead fish but given that she didn't know better he could have told her how to help each other reach orgasm.


Yes, together... That is the job of BOTH of them or none of them... That was not HIS job... If a girl is not interested in showing me some enthusiasm in trying a few things on her own to learn, then I would have ZERO interest in trying them ALL for her... Unless I had low self-esteem or something... 

Good for him... Tell her to try some more, play some more, and she'll learn and start showing him some things, and if he really likes her he'll start trying to show her some things too following suit... It's a MUTUAL job, not his... When two people really want each other, TWO people can't keep their hands off of each other.



lovelygirl said:


> How would she help herself when she doesn't know how to?


How would he help her when she doesn't even know how to help herself? It's her orgasm, she needs to work for it just like he worked for his. For his four, did she do all the work for them? Probably not... Goes both ways... Of course, she's a virgin... She'll learn... Of course that was not all going to happen the first time magically, maybe in a romance novel... Maybe male virgins should expect their first time with a woman to be a porn session with the woman doing dp/anal/upside down oral/the works... VERY unrealistic... Ah, the evil of porn and romance novels... I digress.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> As far as I know...


As far as you know? Are you a virgin too?



lovelygirl said:


> So, I don't think he even cared to please her or at least TEACH her how she could please herself at the same time....
> She's inexperienced so obviously he should have led her and they should have been working together...
> 
> How would she help herself when she doesn't know how to?


No. It's not his responsibility to teach her anything. If she feels like her sex partner has an obligation to teach her how to have sex, she should hire a prostitute with those intentions, or should have waited until she was married. Otherwise it's not this man's job to instruct her on jack crap.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

If she wanted to try some things and he stopped her, then YES he is selfish and she should regret having lost her virginity to him, a d-bag like that...

Again, too many details missing.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She will learn. Experience. How many women orgasm the first time ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> She needs the motto "she comes first"..
> 
> PERIOD...no one deserves to be used and left hanging out to dry..
> 
> ...


:rofl: You aren't serious, are you?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> So, was she okay with this? What did she do about it? What did she say about it?


She said she found it odd and that he was doing it very hard! 
I was like "WTF? Shouldn't he have been more careful instead of acting like an eager pig for sex? "
She then told him to slow down and his response was : "It's okay, you'll get used. That's how it is for the first time"... and he kept on penetrating in and out, instead of stopping for a bit to ask her if she was okay...



> LOL... Who designated that teaching her was to be his JOB? Why should he have to? Who taught him? Did she ask him to try different things? Did she ask him to teach her, or she just assume it was his job?


I didn't say it was his job to teach her but instead of thinking about his own pleasure he could have tried manual/oral stimulation on her. He didn't try any of that. 

As a first timer, I think it was important to arouse her or even show her techniques how to arouse herself...ex: Clitoral stimulation or something like that. Given that he's more experienced, it's expected that he tells her a few things or two.




> Did she try any moves herself?


She asked him if there was any way to continue penetration without pain. He said "NO" and kept on penetrating as if nothing was happened.
I was wondering...why didn't he stop? Why didn't he finger her? That way she would have felt less pain. 
He didn't give her the chance to try those things. Maybe she would have accepted it.

The problem is not about her having pain or not feeling orgasm, the problem is that he sounded like he didn't care all that much. 
She even got toys with her but he didn't use any of them. He said "We don't need the toys".


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

jaquen said:


> As far as you know? Are you a virgin too?


Yes. 




> No. It's not his responsibility to teach her anything.


Not even when she asks "Is there any other way of penetration without pain?"
I don't think so.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She will learn. Experience. How many women orgasm the first time ?


I know women don't usually orgasm the first time. But this is justified if BOTH parties engage and work together to please each other. If the effort went in vain then at least you know you tried but you couldn't orgasm.
But when there is NO EFFORT from one party to make the other one orgasm then we can't say "oh it was the first time.."

I've heard a lot of women say they had orgasms for the first time because their male partner was extremely experienced and cared about pleasing their partner.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> She said she found it odd and that he was doing it very hard!
> I was like "WTF? Shouldn't he have been more careful instead of acting like an eager pig for sex? "
> She then told him to slow down and his response was : "It's okay, you'll get used. That's how it is for the first time"... and he kept on penetrating in and out, instead of stopping for a bit to ask her if she was okay...


Well, finally some details...

If he truly did say that it's okay for her to get used, then wow she really lost the lottery with which guy would take her virginity... That's horrible. 




lovelygirl said:


> I didn't say it was his job to teach her but instead of thinking about his own pleasure he could have tried manual/oral stimulation on her. He didn't try any of that.


Well, it was on her to do some of the same... But, based on the prior piece of your post, I don't think that matters with how insensitive he was acting.



lovelygirl said:


> As a first timer, I think it was important to arouse her or even show her techniques how to arouse herself...ex: Clitoral stimulation or something like that. Given that he's more experienced, it's expected that he tells her a few things or two.


Arousal is important for both partners, but, again, based on what he told her, I don't think it would have mattered, but no, I don't think it's to be "expected" still, sorry.


Honestly, forget speaking up for herself for the sex... I'm surprised she even still went through with it. Was she nervous? She should have really stopped if that's how he was going to be. She should have told him, "Look, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. SLOW DOWN," and then gotten up and dressed if he still didn't listen.

Are they dating? Or was this a ONS? If it was a ONS with some guy she barely knows, sadly, she can't complain... Sometimes you have sex with a winner, sometimes a dud.

If this guy is special to her, however, or part of a relationship, she really needs to reconsider how she feels about him because I don't think he's right for her, or for anyone for a relationship for that matter... Some guys/gals are just not worth pursuing for something special, sadly.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> Was she nervous?


I don't think she was. Actually she said she was extremely happy about the thought of having sex with him and she couldn't wait.
She just got disappointed along the way and she expressed his selfishness during the act. Especially when she was having pain and he wouldn't really listen to any of that...not even say "what's wrong...are you okay..."



> She should have really stopped if that's how he was going to be. She should have told him, "Look, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. SLOW DOWN," and then gotten up and dressed if he still didn't listen.


Yeah that's what I told her but then she said "Given the he said it was normal I thought he was right and I let him take the lead.."


> Are they dating? Or was this a ONS? If it was a ONS with some guy she barely knows, sadly, she can't complain... Sometimes you have sex with a winner, sometimes a dud.


Yes. They have been in this relationship for 6 months now. 
No, he's not a ONS.



> If this guy is special to her, however, or part of a relationship, she really needs to reconsider how she feels about him because I don't think he's right for her, or for anyone for a relationship for that matter... Some guys/gals are just not worth pursuing for something special, sadly.


That's true. I told her she needs to question how he feels towards her. I don't think he gives a damn all that much.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

The man is not unilaterally responsible for the pleasure of his partner.

No offense, but it sounds like hes been reading too many romance novels or watching too many dramas.

Also it always hurts the first time. Her hymen is being forcibly ruptured after all, which causes most women to clench their muscles too much the first time.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> She said she found it odd and that he was doing it very hard!
> I was like "WTF? Shouldn't he have been more careful instead of acting like an eager pig for sex? "


Have you had sex before? Because I can assure you, on my first time having sex there wasn't a lot of instruction going on between my partner and I. He'd had sex before...I didn't even know what oral sex was, I was _that_ sheltered. We made out, I was turned on and didn't realize it, was lubricating and didn't realize it, and he went in. No talking, no instruction, no oral sex. Just because a guy is quick to go in doesn't make him an eager pig for sex, and assuming that is going to get you nowhere in the art of making love. 



> She then told him to slow down and his response was : "It's okay, you'll get used. That's how it is for the first time"... and he kept on penetrating in and out, instead of stopping for a bit to ask her if she was okay...


Actually, this is true. For me, if my husband goes slow after he's inside of me _it hurts_. It's easier to get used to penetration than it is to fully stop and then start again, especially if there isn't a whole lot of lube. And for her first time, yeah it's gonna hurt. There's literally, _nothing_ he can do to change that. 



> I didn't say it was his job to teach her but instead of thinking about his own pleasure he could have tried manual/oral stimulation on her. He didn't try any of that.


Some women don't like it! If she wanted it, she _should have asked for it_. He could have had a partner who never allowed him to give manual or oral stimulation. UGH. I get that she's a virgin, but technically speaking, when it comes to HIM making love to HER, it's his first time too. He can't magically know to give her stimulation. If something hurt or felt wrong, she should have spoken up and said so. Maybe asked for stimulation? Give the guy something to work with.



> As a first timer, I think it was important to arouse her or even show her techniques how to arouse herself...ex: Clitoral stimulation or something like that. Given that he's more experienced, it's expected that he tells her a few things or two.


Says who? I sure as hell never expected my man to tell me anything about sex. Or, if I was curious about something, _I freaking asked him_ about it. Or, I looked it up and read about it myself. If she wants sex to be enjoyable for her, she has to stop expecting the guy to carry all the weight. No man is going to magically know the secret to every single woman's vagina. 



> She asked him if there was any way to continue penetration without pain. He said "NO" and kept on penetrating as if nothing was happened.


That's because there's not! She's a virgin! I'm not a virgin, and if I go a week without sex, guess what? It can hurt still! Just because it hurts doesn't mean it's his fault. If she wanted him to stop, she should have said so. Sex requires specifics.



> I was wondering...why didn't he stop? Why didn't he finger her? That way she would have felt less pain.
> He didn't give her the chance to try those things. Maybe she would have accepted it.


You really don't get it. I know I sound mad, and I am a little, but you really don't get it. _SHE_ has to communicate. If she was in pain, she needed to say so. If she wanted him to stop, she needed to say so. If she wanted stimulation, she needed to say so. It's not like he's thinking, 'Oh, she asked about pain...maybe that means she's in pain...maybe I should try to stimulate her'. Seriously, that's not how it works. When I'm in pain during sex, I tell my husband, "It hurts". I then tell him if I want to stop, or if I want it to be a quickie, or that I want to go on top, etc. "Maybe" she would have accepted stimulation, but how was he supposed to know this? 



> The problem is not about her having pain or not feeling orgasm, the problem is that he sounded like he didn't care all that much.
> She even got toys with her but he didn't use any of them. He said "We don't need the toys".


Maybe he doesn't like using toys? Sex isn't JUST about her, it's about him too.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I know women don't usually orgasm the first time. But this is justified if BOTH parties engage and work together to please each other. If the effort went in vain then at least you know you tried but you couldn't orgasm.
> But when there is NO EFFORT from one party to make the other one orgasm then we can't say "oh it was the first time.."


Straight up, you really need to hear what those of us who have had sex are saying. My husband, literally, does _nothing_ to help me orgasm vaginally. He _can't_. There is only one position that I can orgasm vaginally from, and it's me on top, with ME being the one to move. All my husband needs is a hard on. He, literally, lays there and lets me get my own orgasm. He can suck on my nipples sometimes and that helps, but it doesn't "make" me orgasm. 

Even orally, the orgasm is MY responsibility. Sure, he's stimulating my clitoris, but if I wanted to, I could keep myself from orgasming. Just because the clit is stimulated by the man doesn't mean he has any say in whether the woman orgasms or not. A woman's orgasm is HER responsibility, and no one elses. 



> I've heard a lot of women say they had orgasms for the first time because their male partner was extremely experienced and cared about pleasing their partner.


So? There are a lot of women who have wonderfully pleasing partners and still don't orgasm. A lack of orgasm does not mean that the guys is a selfish jerk. My husband and I had wicked awesome sex for over a year and I NEVER orgasmed vaginally. We tried to find the G-spot, looked up new positions, tried arousal gel...the first time I did orgasm vaginally, it was because of ME. It wasn't anything my husband did.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Also, depending on the position they were using, clitoral stimulation can be extremely difficult, if not impossible. If they were using the missionary position, clitoral stimulation is very difficult. It can be done, but it's not easy and it creates pain in a different way...it makes it hard to breathe and breathing deeply is an essential part in reaching a successful orgasm.

I will say that it doesn't sound as if there was much/if any foreplay, which definitely isn't good on his part. Foreplay doesn't make it any less painful(I about cried my first time being penetrated), but it does make the experience more exhilerating. If he did nothing to turn her on, then yeah, he should have. BUT, she needs to learn to speak her mind. The only way to know if a man is a generous lover or a jerk is to voice your desires/wants/needs in very clear, specific terms. If, at that point, he doesn't change his approach, you can put blame onto him. But, until she is clear and open about what she wants from sex, she is just as much to blame as he is...if not more so.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Reading this thread made me laugh... And you girls wonder why sometimes guys are insecure about their sexual prowess! Just look at the default weight being all thrown on the guy's back in this situation. 

For all we know the guy isn't all that experienced himself. He certainly doesn't sound experienced. And the 4 times in one hour kinda confirms it for me... At max that gives an average of 15 minutes a pop and that's pretty short.

Of course the guy can actually be a jerk and was just pleasing himself on a virgin. But i really doubt it.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't have many details either but all she said was that he started vaginal penetration right away and all he did was striking in and out.
> So, I don't think he even cared to please her or at least TEACH her how she could please herself at the same time.
> As far as I know, there should have been some foreplay, then fingering, some clitoral stimulation THEN penetration so that should could have felt aroused.
> 
> ...


this post, amongst others, irks me.

Do you even understand that a woman has to learn how to orgasm just like you learn any other skill? Giving a girl an orgasm when she hasnt even had one of her own accord is like trying to drive down the interstate before you even have your permit - Its gonna be a disaster. The guys is in the passenger seat- he's there for support, SHE is driving, he just has to hang on.

If you dont know what you're talking about, you should be quiet and listen to the wisdom of the people with experience, who you are turning to for advice.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I was wondering...why didn't he stop?


Why didn't SHE stop? If she was uncomfortable, in pain, and didn't feel like he was teaching her what she apparently felt entitled to learn, then why in the world did she stay?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Lovelygirl, if you think that it's the man's responsibility to give you an orgasm, you're in for a disappointment when you eventually lose your virginity.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> She said she found it odd and that he was doing it very hard!
> I was like "WTF? Shouldn't he have been more careful instead of acting like an eager pig for sex? "
> She then told him to slow down and his response was : "It's okay, you'll get used. That's how it is for the first time"... and he kept on penetrating in and out, instead of stopping for a bit to ask her if she was okay...
> 
> ...


Being a virgin does not negate your right, nay your responsibility, to be knowledgeable about your own body, your own sexuality. Your sexual identity begins with you. YOU are the foundation of who you are to become sexually, with every sexual encounter with other people merely building on that foundation.

Being a virgin should not be synonomous with being a victim. You don't realize this, but your friend victimized herself by choosing to relent total control of HER first time to her boyfriend, and you are enabling that victimization. Your friend was not raped, he did not force her to continue participating in an experience that she found unsatisfactory. There became a point in the encounter where she chose to participate in the BAD sex, and contributed her fair share to it. That was her choice. She must own that.

It is NOBODY's responsibility to teach you about your own body, how it works, what triggers to push. A person should not be entering into a sexual life with other people unless they are ready. And being ready includes being sound of mind, and ready to face whatever consequences come with opening up your mind, spirit, and body to another human being in such an intimate way.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Honestly, men are not mind readers, and every woman is different. Some women don't like oral, some don't like manual stimulation, some can't orgasm vaginally, etc. How is he supposed to know what she wants without her telling him?
> 
> Also, I didn't have a vaginal orgasm until over a year of being sexually active. It's not like it's a given once you start having sex. She has to be willing to experiment and communicate with him what she wants. The first time I had oral done on me, it took almost 45 minutes to orgasm because I didn't know to relax.
> 
> Just because he had 4 in an hour doesn't mean he's a selfish jerk. Tell her to communicate. Guys _like_ giving oral most of the time. My husband was just worried I'd slap him for asking me if he could give it to me.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Honestly, men are not mind readers, and every woman is different. Some women don't like oral, some don't like manual stimulation, some can't orgasm vaginally, etc. How is he supposed to know what she wants without her telling him?
> 
> Also, I didn't have a vaginal orgasm until over a year of being sexually active. It's not like it's a given once you start having sex. She has to be willing to experiment and communicate with him what she wants. The first time I had oral done on me, it took almost 45 minutes to orgasm because I didn't know to relax.
> 
> Just because he had 4 in an hour doesn't mean he's a selfish jerk. Tell her to communicate. Guys _like_ giving oral most of the time. My husband was just worried I'd slap him for asking me if he could give it to me.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

What is his experience level? Looks to me like he is just in it to get off..... 

The first time I ever had sex my partner orgasmed within 5 minutes of PIV....And I would have for sure stopped after my first to see where she was in respect to her pleasure...

I suspect we are dealing with a "Hit it and Quit it" artist, so it may well be a moot point.....


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Adex said:


> Well they he must have stopped and waited for awhile in between. They probably had intercourse 4 different times within the hour. It's impossible for a guy to keep having sex after orgasming 4 times. After the 1st, but definitely the 2nd, his penis would have become to soft for penetration.


Don't equate your experience into what all guys are like. 

At 20 y/o 4 straight in a row was no problem. I'm 41 and can still do 2 regularly and sometimes 3.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> he came 4 times? are you sure? Is that even possible? In one hours time?


Oh, it can happen ... especially if you are with someone for the first time and you are really attracted to them ... and you don't have to be 20 either.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> What is his experience level? Looks to me like he is just in it to get off.....
> 
> The first time I ever had sex my partner orgasmed within 5 minutes of PIV....And I would have for sure stopped after my first to see where she was in respect to her pleasure...
> 
> I suspect we are dealing with a "Hit it and Quit it" artist, so it may well be a moot point.....


Not necessarily. He just may have just been exceedingly attracted to her. He's 20. At 20 I was fairly inexperienced and didn't really know how a woman should react since my partners at that point had also had little experience. Hell, I didn't even know how to go down on a woman correctly at that point. Someone had to move my head and say "there!" before I figured it out, lol! But I could go like a jackrabbit.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Not necessarily. He just may have just been exceedingly attracted to her. He's 20. At 20 I was fairly inexperienced and didn't really know how a woman should react since my partners at that point had also had little experience. Hell, I didn't even know how to go down on a woman correctly at that point. Someone had to move my head and say "there!" before I figured it out, lol! But I could go like a jackrabbit.


Believe me I was EXTREMELY attracted....In fact the previous night we had attempted intercourse, and we both orgasmed before penetration....We were BOTH ready....Just seems like our guy is just in it for himself...I had been trying to get her to give in for 2 solid months.....It was worth it...


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Hicks said:


> If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around to hear it, is the man still wrong?


==========================WE men are responsible for the direction of a life after the first connection with another life and the direction and velocity gained from it. hopefully not alcolhol fueled debauchery.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)




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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> How selfish is that??
> I find it extremely selfish.
> 
> My 20 year old cousin lost her virginity last week and she told me she couldn't orgasm. From what I know, having orgasms when you have sex for the first time is almost impossible. I get that.
> ...


No, you are wrong.. next
Sensible woman please help me out here. Figuring out how to please a man is like driving an automatic car, figuring out woman is like learning to fly a plane. And for what it is worth this particular girl is a plane that has never been flown and there was no manual to read prior to taking flight so no surprise she never "got off" the run way.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> No, you are wrong.. next
> Sensible woman please help me out here. Figuring out how to please a man is like driving an automatic car, figuring out woman is like learning to fly a plane. And for what it is worth this particular girl is a plane that has never been flown and there was no manual to read prior to taking flight so no surprise she never "got off" the run way.


and if he was the selfish jerk you are implying him to be he would have gotten off once and been done. Sounds like he kept trying to me. She probably laid there waiting for a magical orgasm fairy to sprinkle dust on her box. I wish there was a magical orgasm fairy. :smthumbup:


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

you got a lot of explaining to do ----hot --Dog


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)




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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

^ lmao


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

The right guy, even an inexperienced one, would slow down and make it fun for everyone involved. 

While i agree there's no way to make the first time not hurt (hymen has to be broken after all), he could still be a little more sensitive about it.


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