# Horrible marriage problems



## Tiredmum (Jul 28, 2014)

I'll start with the background.My husband and I got married 5.5 years ago.my father who is Egyptian wouldn't allow the marriage.there was a lot if confusion at fhe time but in the end we got married pretty much eloped, I managed to find a job on another city, I am a doctor and so we ran away from our home town,things were tense from the beginning.
We also had waited for marriage to have sex but when we finally didit was extremely painful and our longed for sex life was unable to be consummated.

after that my mum took and overdose because she couldn't cope, she was fine but it creates strain on what was already a strained time.i got very depressed and was quite difficult to be around.
We carried on and hd to move a few times over the next few years to keep working.my husband didn't really settle into a a job and was not qualified with a vocation so struggled.our sex life continued to be a huge problem.

One of the few times we had sex, about 5 months into our marriage I became pregnant and had a daughter.the birth was very hard and I took a long time to recover.
Sex was still painful afterwards.i saw as many specialists as possible but did t really get better, I even travelled to America to get help, we was useful but I didn't act quickly on the info I was given on return as it was difficult to find someone to treat me and mentally I was a bit stuck.
When my daughter was 1.5 years my father got liver cancer and I went to reconcile and I ended up loving home for 3 months to help nurse him, after which time he died.just before his death I got huge stomach pain and was rushed into hospital to have emergency surgery for a torted cyst.
Needless to say I was weak sad and ill after that.
During this time my husband was trying to establish work and decorate a flat my mum had lent us to stay in.
Things grew very bad between my husband and I and we were fighting a lot.i felt very unloved and sad as he didn't really care for me during this time.i was aggressive verbally and disrespectful to him also.

A few months later he told me that he wished for me to consider that he may need to get a second wife( he is Muslim ) at some point if I couldn't get the dr problem fixed.i really shut down after that.i did go back to USA for treatment which helped a bit but the love was really lost.again I got pregnant after this which was a huge mistake.i got very sick snd I was not Sble to have sex.my son didn't sleep at all and was up every 2 hours for over a year.my husband completely checked out and wouldn't help at all.
I remortgaged our flat to give him money for jus business.£120 000 , which he spent.he bought everything brand new and hi spec..he ran out of money and borrowed a further £200000 from my mum.

We recently moved in with my mum for some support.things came to a huge head just before this with a massive argument about the car being towed.i hit him on the arm in anger.during the last year I hAve been so tired and down and I shouted at him most days as he became more detached and wouldn't help me.he moved out for 2 months.
He is bAck now but things have again reached a head.he told me he had never loved me and is unsure whether to go on.he says he will try for the kids but doesn't know.
My attitude is that we hAve been in a horrible dark place and let's try to turn it around.ive apologised for my awful behaviour and told him that I love him and want to make if work.
I am just looking for some reassurance that marriages can come back from this terrible state and be saved and what I should do.i have been kind and loving now but there are still clashes..for example the last week I have slept very little due to baby, my husband won't help at all as he is working and it makes me feel so down.we had a minor argument about it this morning and I know I just need to suck it up and pamper him but it's hard!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Sucking it up and pampering him is't going to save your marriage.

Once he said he never loved you, was the doom factor in your relationship. He can't just unsay that. It's hurtful and manipulative. 

You actually laid a hand in anger on your husband. Hitting is never ok, no matter what.

What, exactly, do you want from this marriage at this point?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I can see why your father didn't want you to marry this guy.


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## Tiredmum (Jul 28, 2014)

I would like a second chance to start fresh in the marriage and see if we can out it back together. I'm still doing the wrong things I think as the last few days I have been pushing him for more information and tonight he told me he has the feeling in his heart that he is leaving but he could try somemarriage counselling. I started just telling him ok just leave now and let's just get on with a divorce and went into details about how it's going to be. He said that you can't dictate everything. He also said that a mentor told him a few years gsi that his situation sounds awful and he shouldn't stay in it for long.

He says that there have been triggers for loss of faith in me and he doe t want to be vulnerable anymore.2 months ago after our awful fight I told hi. To leave 'my' flat amd that if we got a divorce he would have to fight to see the kids, I didn't mean it, that's when I hit his arm. After a year of extreme coldness, a baby that doesn't sleep and a lot of resentment t that's what happened. I think I have done do much damage with losing my temper I general. My husband feels disrespected and trapped.
I think it's over but so much wish for a chance to redeem myself and our marriage. I think he is beyond this. The sex is a huge issue and I know he's not attracted to me anymore.
I found myself begging tonight..I am in an extremely bad place. Can't eat or sleep. Know I need to leave things be and pray for a miracle. I had a great man and I totally screwed things up.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Let me first say it isn't your fault that your husband treats you this way. This is who he is. Your only fault is not listening to your father when he told you he didn't approve.

As a Muslim, men are required to provide for their family in every way. That doesn't just mean financially, which he isn't doing, but also emotionally and physically as well. The fact that your husband is not supporting you in any way shows that he is not a real man at all. 

I know you are tired. You thought you would receive support. What you got is a man who wants to use a woman as a meal ticket. He also wants to bother you by bringing up nonsense about a 2nd wife. That was only said to hurt you. He can't support you, how will he support a whole other family.

This is my advice. Get a divorce. Men like this don't change. Staying for the kids? Do you want your kids to see fighting and discord all the time? Is this their example of marriage? 

I pray you find the strength to leave him. Not only for yourself, but for your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tiredmum (Jul 28, 2014)

I also need to add that although in the last few years he wasn't helping at home, he was working extremely hard on his business, which he says was for us. He says he hoped I would get involved more but it didn't happen. Also he feels we have issues with compatibility. He mentioned:
Different upbringing
Me not hard working enough/robust
Don't keep fit enough
Different creative ideals


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## Tiredmum (Jul 28, 2014)

I feel like it is my fault he treats me this way because I have been careless with his heart and not valued him for who is and realised how lucky I am


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tired,

You are truly in a tough spot, but perhaps it can be fixed. 

Let's start with some critical basics. 
Money
- Is his business making a steady profit now?
- Is he transparent with you as to how much profit/income he earns each month?
- Is he using his income to contribute to your family?
- Is he dependent on either your income as a doctor or your family's generosity? 
- Does he work hard? Does he take pride in supporting you?

Schedule
- Does he make an effort to spend time with the children? 
- Does he play with them/talk to them?
- Does he make an effort to spend time with you? 
- How many hours a week does he spend doing non family activities? Work does not count. Work is presumably for the good of the family.

Love
- Does he seem like he still loves you?
- Desires you?
- Do you love him?
- Do you physically desire him? 

Are both of you willing to attend marriage counseling? 

Do both of you still WANT to make the marriage work? 




Tiredmum said:


> I would like a second chance to start fresh in the marriage and see if we can out it back together. I'm still doing the wrong things I think as the last few days I have been pushing him for more information and tonight he told me he has the feeling in his heart that he is leaving but he could try somemarriage counselling. I started just telling him ok just leave now and let's just get on with a divorce and went into details about how it's going to be. He said that you can't dictate everything. He also said that a mentor told him a few years gsi that his situation sounds awful and he shouldn't stay in it for long.
> 
> He says that there have been triggers for loss of faith in me and he doe t want to be vulnerable anymore.2 months ago after our awful fight I told hi. To leave 'my' flat amd that if we got a divorce he would have to fight to see the kids, I didn't mean it, that's when I hit his arm. After a year of extreme coldness, a baby that doesn't sleep and a lot of resentment t that's what happened. I think I have done do much damage with losing my temper I general. My husband feels disrespected and trapped.
> I think it's over but so much wish for a chance to redeem myself and our marriage. I think he is beyond this. The sex is a huge issue and I know he's not attracted to me anymore.
> I found myself begging tonight..I am in an extremely bad place. Can't eat or sleep. Know I need to leave things be and pray for a miracle. I had a great man and I totally screwed things up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please leave him. Please just divorce. And get counseling.


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## Tiredmum (Jul 28, 2014)

I answered your questions below



MEM11363 said:


> Tired,
> 
> You are truly in a tough spot, but perhaps it can be fixed
> 
> ...


I do, he isn't sure and says he feels it's over in his heart


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## Tiredmum (Jul 28, 2014)

jld said:


> Please leave him. Please just divorce. And get counseling.


Why do you say this


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I know it is a personal issue but no one here actually knows you, so you need not be embarrassed. I am wondering what the problem is that you are unable to have sex and receiving treatments for. And why are the treatments not working? 

I wonder for a number of reasons, and one is it isn't fair to a man (or woman) to be married and never get sex. I can understand how your husband feels.

Also, if you were able to have 2 babies, why are you unable to have sex? Is this a psychological issue or a physical one?

Seriously 5.5 years is crazy and makes no sense to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tiredmum said:


> I also need to add that although in the last few years he wasn't helping at home, he was working extremely hard on his business, which he says was for us. He says he hoped I would get involved more but it didn't happen. Also he feels we have issues with compatibility. He mentioned:
> Different upbringing
> Me not hard working enough/robust
> Don't keep fit enough
> Different creative ideals


Are you not Muslim?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tired,
You two have had some major life/health/family challenges. And unfortunately when angry, you are both hateful to each other. 

So - maybe he's afraid to love you right now. 

Let me make a suggestion. Stop having conversations about the marriage. Or about how much he loves you or the kids or the idea of staying married. 

1. Stop being cruel/cold to him
2. Invite him to spend time with you and the kids, but don't pressure him or get aggressive if he declines
3. Start having sex with him - even if you can't have intercourse, do something else. Use your hand or .... whatever. 
4. Do NOT ask if he loves you before or after sex. It will seem like you are only doing it to try to gain an advantage over him. 

In fact, do not ask him for anything before or after sex. It will seem manipulative. 

You can tell him if you want something, but it needs to be done like this:

It would be really nice if you would be willing to do X for me. 

If he says no. Accept it. 

If you want to back away from the edge of the marital cliff , you need to stop being so aggressive with him. 

If he comes home from work tense, try to help him relax. 

That doesn't mean letting him treat you badly. You can tell him you don't like how he's treating you. Just be calm and polite. 

-----------
If he were here I'd give him the same advice. 

No matter what happens:
- Don't use the kids as a weapon 
- Don't use sex as a weapon
- Don't mention divorce unless you are actually filing. Threatening divorce just because you are angry - is a bad idea. 






Tiredmum said:


> I answered your questions below
> 
> 
> 
> I do, he isn't sure and says he feels it's over in his heart


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## Tiredmum (Jul 28, 2014)

CarlaRose said:


> I know it is a personal issue but no one here actually knows you, so you need not be embarrassed. I am wondering what the problem is that you are unable to have sex and receiving treatments for. And why are the treatments not working?
> 
> I wonder for a number of reasons, and one is it isn't fair to a man (or woman) to be married and never get sex. I can understand how your husband feels.
> 
> ...


I have vulvodynia and the cause is unknown. I've been working on having myofascial release and trying at least to get the muscles to relax. It often feels raw and unbelievable painful on penetration. I did try to initiate non penetrative sex but he was only interested in penetration.. Also the 5 years. I don't know how it happened, so many things going on plus 2 pregnancies and births.
My baby was sleeping in bed with me until recently and I was the most tired I've ever been and didn't feel like doing a thing but I did suggest several times that we try something. 
Also what I feel is it is getting better and I have hope. My husband was a Virgin he got married and is incredibly and understandably frustrated , but I would love to see how things could change with sex back in the equation


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## rwun2014 (Jul 28, 2014)

Think you should go for councelling and then love him without condition for 3 months. Dont fight, don't argue, even if you think he is wrong. And never physically, emotionally abuse him. He might start to love back you . Sometimes we are caught in a hate cycle and it needs courage for one of the two to break that cycle.

He is working hard , luck may not be with him but eventually it may come. Support him to the best you can.

And talk to some gynacologist regarding issues re sex life, read magazines/net how to please your partner.

If things still don't work out in 3-4 months, then it will mean that he doesn't love you and you then plan for divorce.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tired,
My wife has that. 

But - she only developed it 3 years ago. We are both 51. It is much, much harder on a young couple. 

We do other stuff. And my W likes and is good at the other stuff.

I definitely miss intercourse. But I've got no interest in dong something that hurts her. 

Why would your H prefer nothing to having you touch him? But he needs to know you WANT to please him. If it comes across as pity or mercy - that won't work. 






Tiredmum said:


> I have vulvodynia and the cause is unknown. I've been working on having myofascial release and trying at least to get the muscles to relax. It often feels raw and unbelievable painful on penetration. I did try to initiate non penetrative sex but he was only interested in penetration.. Also the 5 years. I don't know how it happened, so many things going on plus 2 pregnancies and births.
> My baby was sleeping in bed with me until recently and I was the most tired I've ever been and didn't feel like doing a thing but I did suggest several times that we try something.
> Also what I feel is it is getting better and I have hope. My husband was a Virgin he got married and is incredibly and understandably frustrated , but I would love to see how things could change with sex back in the equation


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## Tiredmum (Jul 28, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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