# Any advice needed



## Notfeelingtoogood (Oct 18, 2017)

Any advice welcome*1 Day, 21 Hours ago

Hi*

I have just found out 100% my wife cheated on me with what I thought was a good friend.

We have been together for 16 years, married nine. We have three children 15, 11 and 7. We met when I was 20 and se was 17 and after three months she fell pregnant.

This started in Jan/Feb 2013. I had a gut feeling something was wrong around April/May hat year and confronted them both but they denied it. I thought I was going crazy and losing my marbles. I kept checking my wife's mobile phone which I could only do when she was asleep as it was constantly glued to her. In the end I managed to log into her mobile account and found that there were over 1000 messages and numerous calls that had been deleted. I confronted her and she said they were just talking about both their relationships. I flipped and told her to cut all*contact*with him. A month or so passed and I noticed again that she was all secretive with her phone. Going to the toilet with it and taking it into the bathroom. It basically would not leave her. This time I had no access to her mobile account so had to revert back to trying to get into her phone when she was asleep. I noticed some discrepancies between messages on WhattsApp so again it all kicked off, she admitted to texting him again and promised me it would stop. Again I believed her. We had a night away together, no kids and it was amazing. We just got on with life after that until May 2015 when rumours started going round round that they had been having an affair. His wife came round to have it out with my wife and i stuck up for her saying it was all untrue. (This is the point where I think the affair stopped). The other couple went through tough times and eventually his wife filed for divorce last year and he got his papers through last week.
I have been helping this guy out through his divorce as i thought he was innocent.*
I then received an annon message on facebook in August 2017 stating that I was a mug for not believing the affair was taking place. Then a couple of weeks ago my wife messaged me to say she had text this gut by mistake (he has the same name as our decorator) and Boom alarm bells started again. Then my boy was in hospital and my wife stayed the night with him so I took it on to finally find these deleted messages. I used some software to try and obtain this from an old iphone backup. I started to scroll through these messages and was left is disbelief. She was meeting him all the time. Waiting for his wife to leave the house to go to work and then hey would meet for sex. They were sending each other dirty pictures and videos. Making videos. I felt sick but kept my calm as I had my girls to look after that night. I never slept a wink that night. I even waited for her to come the next day. She knew something was up but I never said anything. I went to work as normal but had to leave at lunch time. I could concentrate, I cancelled my afternoor appointments and went home to wait for her. I stayed calm and asked if she had ever cheated on me with this guy and she blatently denied and asked why had I bought this up again after all this time. I went upstairs and bought down the messages that I'd screen shot and printed and threw them at her.*

Over all these past years she is the one who questioned me about seeing someone else. I go to work everyday 9-5 come home, play football once a week.

I realy do not know what to do.*

We have had a weekend now where she has tried to answer my questions like why, how, where, how long for etc etc and has told me she now can't believe that she has done all this and she loves me and would never do it again. But how am I supposed to believe that when she has lied to me in the past.*

I feel that more than half of my marriage has been a sham. I don't know which way to turn. I don't really speak to my family. Her family has been more like a proper family to me since we met.*

I love this girl with all my heart but I'm not sure I can ever trust her again after all these years of deceit.*

I feel my whole life has come to end but I'm trying to be strong for my kids. I came from a broken home and promised myself I wouldn't let it happen to my children.

Just to add she has been in streams of tears too and can't believe what she has done.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Have your WW write out a timeline for the affair with all the details written out.

Then take her to get a polygraph.

Waywards minimize if she says they always used condoms, they never did, if she says only 10 times estimate 100 times.

Write an exposure letter, send it to OMs facebook, linkedin, work, church, family and whomever, send it all at once and do not threaten or warn anyone especially your WW.

Tamat


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Willard Harley, then read some of his other books


----------



## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

She is in tears because she was caught. She knew what she was doing. I have zero sympathy for someone who deliberately does that. Hope you can heal from this.


----------



## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Notfeelingtoogood said:


> Just to add she has been in streams of tears too and can't believe what she has done.


Crocodile tears, don't fall for them. She knows exactly what she's done and likely doesn't care at all.

It's hard, but don't let her see you cry, hurt, and pull a 180. If you don't know what that is, look it up.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She lied to your face. The only one she has admitted to is the one you proved. Sorry but usually it's tip of the iceberg. Grab her new phone and try and recover texts. Right in front of her. Even if you cannot recover for whatever reason watch her reaction. Look at social media apps too, not just cell. Login onto her account now and check all numbers for last year. She if she hesitates on that. Undoubtedly as you dig in front of her she will hesitate. 

Just file for divorce. Sharing videos, lying, exposing you to STDs. Dump her to the curb, She is gross. Get checked for STDs. Hand her the bill while you wear rubber gloves. 

Ohh, keep the videos, keep it all. . Tell her they are for the kids should she contest the divorce and start to get nasty. Or attempt to rewrite the marriage like this is all your fault. .


----------



## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

You're about to get a stream of messages that may seem harsh (and some of them will be needlessly so -- I'll say again that this place has a problem specifically with calling men who come here "p*ssies" and "doormats" which is NOT productive).

But what you should understand is that all the blunt advice you will receive here comes from a good place, it is intended to snap you out of it and keep you from making choices and mistakes that you will likely regret (i.e. believing that the affair is over and that she truly is committed to you only to find out it was more lies.)

I won't tell you what to do other than don't believe anything if your gut is telling you otherwise. I know exactly that feeling of wondering if you're crazy and not being able to shake the feeling. You now know that the worst case is DEFINITELY possible, so don't believe it when she (or others) tell you that you're jumping at shadows. Personally I would advocate divorce but children make things complicated. At the very, very least you need to know that forgiveness is YEARS away and that she needs to be the one to make that possible -- not you.

Beyond that:

1) DON'T MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. If divorce is in the cards, and it absolutely should be, do not be the one to move out, not until a signed separation agreement is in effect. Moving out now (even temporarily) could adversely affect you when it comes to divorce negotiation in the eyes of the courts (it will the "new normal" i.e. mom alone that is considered as the basis for custody).

2) DON'T GO PUBLIC. It might feel good to shame them, but it'll complicate your life long-term and it may open you up to legal problems. That said, if you really want to fight for your marriage, exposing the affair to select friends and family (on both sides) gives you both the support you need right now (your friends and family) and theoretically gives you a safety check on her side (she's less likely to do things if she knows others will be watching).

3) STOP DRINKING. If you've got beer, wine, hard alcohol I would suggest dumping it all out, it'll clear your head.

4) START (OR KEEP) EXERCISING. The adrenaline in your body is wreaking havoc, exercise will burn some of that off, help you sleep, and it's just good for your body. I found lifting weights helped a lot for the nervous energy and running helped to clear my head.

5) SLEEP AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. It sucks to wake up and feel it all crash home, that it's all really still happening and not just a dream, but the sleep will help both your body and your mind. You still got kids to take care of, they need you as sharp as possible (and not struggling to get them to school or forgetting their major events -- as happened to me)

6) GET A COUNSELOR. A therapist, a pastor, something (though personally I'd stay away from the Church as it seems they are often single-minded in their focus on reconciliation even when it's not warranted). You need somebody to talk, to let out all the anger and the pain and the sadness and everything else. It will help a lot, and this is coming from somebody who never thought he'd EVER find himself in a therapist's office.

7) KNOW THAT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. You can do it. You may not do it perfectly (I'm certainly not) but you can do it. You'll come out on the other side stronger and happier. It just takes a lot of time and a lot sh*t to get there.

Sorry man.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Notfeelingtoogood said:


> Just to add she has been in streams of tears too and can't believe what she has done.


 You wife is not crying a "stream of tears" because she is sorry for what she has done. She is only sorry that she was caught. Look, this was not an accidental one time thing, she had a full blow affair for years with this guy. She also played you for a fool by having you defend, and even help out the other man ("OM") during the divorce caused by the the affair the OM had with your wife. They must of had a few good laughs at your expense as you were "helping this guy out through his divorce"; sorry, but that is taking deceit to a whole new level. 

As for your children, the divorce would not be on you, it would be all on her. Do not use them as an excuse to stay with her. At this point, your marriage will not be a healthy one for them to be around, and when they find out about the affair that so many know about, they will not respect you for staying in the marriage (children are judgmental with their parents). My Dad cheated on my Mom and she tried to stay in the marriage for us kids. We wished that she had not. Eventually they divorced anyway, all she did by staying was to drag out the pain for all of us.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

What a brutal betrayal. I'm sorry you're here.

First of all, you need to take your time deciding what course to take. Don't commit to anything. It's important that your WW gets to feel what it's like to lose her husband for cheating. That's a needed consequence; the first of several for her. For now, separate her from your bedroom and use the next several weeks or months to figure out what you want to do. Try to avoid the temptation of hysterical bonding that many BH's succumb to. That's for after you decide to R, if you do.

During that time do some self introspection to decide if you can get past this, even if your wife demonstrates perfect remorse. Get some counseling to help you with this. Because this kind of long term betrayal is difficult to overcome. Impossible for some.

The other use of this time is to judge your wife's remorse. Will she consistently demonstrate it? Will she accept exposure, get STD tested, write a no-contact letter to the OM, become completely transparent, accept new marital boundaries, discuss the A any time you want and will she own what she did? DNA test your children - for her benefit. She must accept every one of these consequences or you shouldn't even consider R.

Contact an attorney to discuss your options. Right now your mindset should be that you're headed for divorce and the only way that changes, will be based on your wife's actions. She must earn that privilege of a second chance - if you decide to gift it.

I'll say it again. Take your time.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Sorry you are going thru this.

The emotional pain is awful.

Your first step is to notify OM's wife and let her know what's going on. 

Let her know she was right all along.

Do not tell your wife you want to save the marriage.

She needs to think you are divorcing her.

Hopefully you are.

What you need is time to process what has happened.

Follow the 180. Do not drift away from it.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Notfeelingtoogood,
Your wife has been interested in other men for a long time. *Guide your emotional turmoil into a plan to build yourself up; mind, body, emotionally, and spiritually. *Use your rattled emotional hurt to motivate you to get yourself better. .Do not compromise your focus on yourself and children for the sake of trying to understand everything about your wife’s affairs. IOW, you have to put yourself as number one because your wife has not done that and you cannot trust her to do that for the future. *Your wife’s tears cannot wipe away the fact that she willfully made decisions for years to put her and other men ahead of you, the children, and the marriage*. That can never be completely healed.

Force yourself to concentrate on only you and your children and not your marriage. Your marriage, if salvageable, is the responsibility of the one that broke it, your wife.

*In 1 year, 5 years, 10 years from now your life will be what YOU make it not what your wife makes it for you!*


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

File for divorce immediately and get 50/50 custody of your kids. Don't leave the home. Sleep in separate quarters so she can feel the sting and natural consequences to her terrible betrayal and for such a long time. She has no shame. She cries because she is a very good actress. How else can you explain her double life all these years! 

You deserve better than her cheating arse. You will not regret letting her go. It will hurt and you will move on kicking and screaming, but it is the best decision you will ever make. She has not been wife material for a very long time. Heck, she is not even mother material at this point in time. I totally agree that you need to make her show you all her new messages from all the apps she has been using. If she refuses, expose her to whomever you trust is on the side of honesty and truth, YOUR side! If you don't expose, she has suffered no consequences for her despicable disloyalty! Expose her shenanigans to you 15 and 11 year old kids. That was the age my kids were when my X betrayed all of us with his cheating. They are old enough to know the truth. They deserve it as much as you! Shelter the young one though. If she doesn't have those natural consequences to her nastiness, then shame on you for rug sweeping such a horrible treatment of you and your children by such an undeserving wife and mother.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you need to find that anger in there to propel you to take action against her terrible choices. If in the future, she truly is remorseful and shows it through actions, you can date and even marry again. But the divorce must happen now because she needs to feel for what she has done. She needs to lose it all to truly treasure it and not ever trample it again!


----------



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I strongly suggest a DNA test on the kids. You have to be sure. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You learned what I learned twice; never trust anyone, a friend or spouse. In fact, many wives cheat with a friend of their husband because they do not get to meet many guys and they form emotional bonds with friends that easily can turn to love. Had that happen to me. They fantasize about it and then do it. I always tell people to have a healthy dose of mistrust of everyone when it comes to sex. Love makes people do crazy things.

I am afraid that since she lied about it, there is no hope for you. Read the article below to see what your chances are. How do you trust someone who had betrayed, lied and deceived you again? If someone admits to being untrustworthy and a liar, can you really trust them and believe them anymore? It takes a very long time to regain trust and even then, it will never be the same again. Your will be forever thinking what is she doing now when she is not with you. You will be suspicious of her and she will grow to resent that. You already saw how someone you love can so easily manipulate you and lie to your face. You saw the number one trick of cheating women, turning it back on you like there is something wrong with you for not trusting them.

It took three times but I am not married to a woman 45 years. I would not allow my wife to take her phone where I cannot hear her. I give and get all passwords so we can log into anything each of us owns. My wife cannot have male friends as I do not have female friends. Despite all the stuff of what should be, there is the reality that men and women are genetically designed to view the opposite sex as potential mates. Women tend to cheat when their husbands take them for granted, do not make them feel desirable and attractive, as happens after having kids. She feels like a mom instead of a sexy woman that men drool over. She misses the courtship romance that you too had. Sex become scarce and/or routine. There is no excitement in anticipation of sex. It becomes a marital duty. Do you take her out where she can get all dressed up and have men admire her? How often to you tell and show her how hot she is? I dated a few married women and heard these reasons. Many loved their husbands and said they were good fathers and providers but just took them for granted and never made them feel hot and desired. Women reach their sexual peak in their 30's and you need to keep the sex life fresh and your wife feeling like the hottest girl on earth. If not, some other guy will. I was on both sides of that.

Reconciliation can only occur when if accepts all responsibility for the affair. If she tells you that you drove her to it somehow, your chances of reconciliation are very low. She may play along but whenever the same problem comes along she will find the same solution. They always try to place the blame on the husband and if you look around this site you will find husbands that accept that blame and even go for counselling without their wives so they can fix what is wrong with them. Some man just cannot accept that their wives chose someone over them. It must be that they are mentally sick and drove their wives to have sex with other guys as a solution. Having sex with another is never the answer or will ever be the solution yet it is a popular excuse.

Also note that what she tells you and even a marriage counsellor, will be the G rated version. She is not going to throw fuel on the fire. She will water it down a lot to minimize the damage. You are thinking of the kids. My view on this is that it is better to divorce then have your kids grow up learning about love and marriage from a couple who is not a good example. Many kids today are from divorced parents and doing just fine. No stigma anymore and they get used to it after the initial shock. I think it is better for both spouses to be happy than worry about the kids. The kids will still have a home and food. The only thing is that they will not see that marriages are loveless. My sister stayed for the kids and my nephew is married to a domineering women and he has become the wife in the family and expected to work full time. My niece had a kid when she was 32 and not married. She was twice engaged before that and twice the guys could not take her anymore. She treated her men like her mother treated her dad. Sad.

If you stay together you either open up the relationship or lock your wife down. She will hate you for it since she will not have anymore privacy. She will have to get used to you asking questions about it and bringing it up in fights for many years. She will have to put up with a lot in addition to whatever drove her to cheat in the first place. It is also not uncommon for them to continue the affair but more carefully though. Some Psychologists suggest moving out of State. That is what we did. You can become addicted to lovers and will risk your marriage to be with them. It is rare that there is a clean and complete break. There will be emails from work, some texts that get deleted before you see her again, getting together for lunch or meeting at the mall when she says she is going shopping. I have seen it all over the last 47 years and even though many suggest marriage counselling, few tell you how it worked after a year has passed. Counsellors only keep track of couples for a year. So they have no idea of what happens after that when the couple can no longer play the role they were told to play. Adults rarely change who they are.

My friend is a Psychologist specializing in marriages. His wife cheated on him and despite counselling she cheated on him a second time a year later. She was better at hiding it the second time and felt no more guilt. She knew that my friend was afraid to divorce and so if caught again she would just have a fight an pretend again that she is sorry. He never gave her that chance and lost his practice in the settlement and is not treating Federal Prisoners. 

Here is some reading material:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-marriage-therapists-weigh-in_us_57e9a7e3e4b0c2407cd8d729

When I cheated on my wife early on in my marriage my wife suggested that we engage in various forms of group sex. She knew I was not the monogamous type due to my previous two relationships ending with me being cheated on. Like many women she thought she could change me once the magical wedding band was put on my finger. She also had reason to make ti work as I provided her a lifestyle that she never dreamed she could have. A new house at 20 and a BWM to drive around. Plus I still loved her. Only society says that you cannot love two people at the same time and hold one above all others. We are taught to first destroy our partner and life before we morally can love another and have sex with them. And they say I am crazy for maintaining my marriage in a Poly triad for 45 years when all the doubters we knew are long divorced. Some on their third marriage.

You have kids and I never did so I never had to make the decisions that you do. All I an say is that I know lots of kids with divorced parents and they are perfectly adjusted. I know kids from loveless marriages and they are a mess. In fact, the girlfriend my wife and I loved was from a marriage of cold parents. She made us her family because she was surrounded by the love between my wife and I plus the love we showed her. One night she just started crying her eyes out when I told her how much we love her. She finally told me why she cried so hard. She never felt loved before and knew that a marriage could be filled with it and intimacy. Good luck.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Notfeelingtoogood said:


> Just to add she has been in streams of tears too and can't believe what she has done.


She is streaming tears because she got CAUGHT. Nothing more. Consider D as from here on out what once was your envisioned marriage has been a mirage.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Notfeelingtoogood said:


> ...she now can't believe that she has done all this and she loves me and would never do it again.


LOL, that's a good one. Tell her if she's having trouble believing it, she should feel free to reread the messages aloud. Despicable of her to dismiss your legitimate concerns. Despicable of her to silently watch you humiliate yourself by helping your "friend" (her lover) through a divorce that her actions caused. File for divorce immediately. Then take some time while the divorce plays out to re-assess your feelings and test her willingness to really right this wrong. But I would not bet money on her capabilities in this regard.

Oh, and do a DNA paternity test on the kids, in front of her. Tell the kids it's to check whether they're related to Prince Charles or Elvis.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You need to make sure that she understands, under no uncertain terms, then until SHE can figure out what she was thinking, that there will be less than a zero chance for reconciliation.

"If you can't be honest enough to figure out how you made these choices, I would be a fool to keep you for a wife."


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would like to know why you think the affair is over and just not better hidden?
She could not wait to get you out the door in the morning so she could hop in bed wit him. Did you have a great sex life through all this? Why didn’t they divorce and marry each other? What has happened to him since his divorce? Were you still friends until now?


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

This is rough, you now realize the marriage was a sham, you can no longer trust anything she says, in fact you never could, she is using shame and guilt by crying to make you stay knowing you love her and might fall for it. Be strong. Keep those images of your old friend having sex with her in her mind. They snuck around and had sex all those years and lied to you. This is not your fault, she's the liar she's the cheater she's the psycho. Don't get suckered into more torture from her. 

After he f***ed her all those years, do you really want her back?


----------



## Notfeelingtoogood (Oct 18, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Have your WW write out a timeline for the affair with all the details written out.
> 
> Then take her to get a polygraph.
> 
> ...


She can't even remember when it started or ended. The OM is now divorced so wouldn't give a ****. I've messaged him and he had the nerve to deny it to till I sent him screen shots of the texts


----------



## Notfeelingtoogood (Oct 18, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She lied to your face. The only one she has admitted to is the one you proved. Sorry but usually it's tip of the iceberg. Grab her new phone and try and recover texts. Right in front of her. Even if you cannot recover for whatever reason watch her reaction. Look at social media apps too, not just cell. Login onto her account now and check all numbers for last year. She if she hesitates on that. Undoubtedly as you dig in front of her she will hesitate.
> 
> Just file for divorce. Sharing videos, lying, exposing you to STDs. Dump her to the curb, She is gross. Get checked for STDs. Hand her the bill while you wear rubber gloves.
> 
> Ohh, keep the videos, keep it all. . Tell her they are for the kids should she contest the divorce and start to get nasty. Or attempt to rewrite the marriage like this is all your fault. .





badmemory said:


> What a brutal betrayal. I'm sorry you're here.
> 
> First of all, you need to take your time deciding what course to take. Don't commit to anything. It's important that your WW gets to feel what it's like to lose her husband for cheating. That's a needed consequence; the first of several for her. For now, separate her from your bedroom and use the next several weeks or months to figure out what you want to do. Try to avoid the temptation of hysterical bonding that many BH's succumb to. That's for after you decide to R, if you do.
> 
> ...


Too late on the bonding side it's happened 3 times. I've been silly and acted out of desperation to feel a bit manly again.
I will however start by having an std test then DNA the kids and make sure I've got access to all her social media accounts and phone


----------



## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She lied to your face. The only one she has admitted to is the one you proved. Sorry but usually it's tip of the iceberg. Grab her new phone and try and recover texts. Right in front of her. Even if you cannot recover for whatever reason watch her reaction. Look at social media apps too, not just cell. Login onto her account now and check all numbers for last year. She if she hesitates on that. Undoubtedly as you dig in front of her she will hesitate.
> 
> Just file for divorce. Sharing videos, lying, exposing you to STDs. Dump her to the curb, She is gross. Get checked for STDs. Hand her the bill while you wear rubber gloves.
> 
> Ohh, keep the videos, keep it all. . Tell her they are for the kids should she contest the divorce and start to get nasty. Or attempt to rewrite the marriage like this is all your fault. .


 I like you! Great idea. I picture her moaning and asking for more and I just cannot believe I typed this. Di-vor-ce her immediately! 180! Don?t touch her ever again! Eeew


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

No matter what you decide, file for divorce, lost adultery and OM as the reason why. Have her served at work if she does work. Tell your wife no contact whatsoever, any contact with OM and you go guns blazing in divorce. That means full custody of kids. Tell her you will give your decision to her in six months, in the meantime what she does for the marriage will play a heavy part on your decision. Tell her parents what she has done and give them copies of the screenshots. Contact OM and tell him to never contact anyone in your family again. 

For you, get into IC, you need to get to the point you can live with or without her. Wait the six months, your decision will then come from a place of strength instead of emotions. Find a friend or family matter you can trust and confide in them. Give your wife a list of boundaries. Have her complete the timeline, believe me she knows damn well what all the answers are. If she resists in the least just tell her the divorce goes through. Have no emotion when you speak with her, just be monotone and distant. This will keep her off balance and thinking she very well has lost you.

Best of luck, the roller coaster ride you just got on is very difficult to endure.


----------



## Notfeelingtoogood (Oct 18, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> I would like to know why you think the affair is over and just not better hidden?
> She could not wait to get you out the door in the morning so she could hop in bed wit him. Did you have a great sex life through all this? Why didn’t they divorce and marry each other? What has happened to him since his divorce? Were you still friends until now?


I am pretty confident that it's been over a long time but not 100%. He's found another mug (I mean woman) since. We were still friends up until now. I never went out drinking with him since well since he told his wife the truth. I can't believe no one had the balls to come and tell me. I also used to do his account and tax returns which is probably one of the main reasons why we kept in contact


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Notfeelingtoogood said:


> I am pretty confident that it's been over a long time but not 100%. He's found another mug (I mean woman) since. We were still friends up until now. I never went out drinking with him since well since he told his wife the truth. I can't believe no one had the balls to come and tell me. I also used to do his account and tax returns which is probably one of the main reasons why we kept in contact


You were told by the OM's wife, but you did not believe her. You were sent a message by an unknown person, but you did not believe that either. It is you who did not have any balls to confront reality. To think that you assisted in the divorce of your wife's lover to further damage his wife is beyond me. You placed your wife in a pedestal. Yes, everyone already knew & just accepted you as one who chosed to deny your wife's infedility. You need to face reality. See a psychologist to set your mind in the right direction, so that you can build your self-esteem and not be so willing to accept the crumbs that your wife gives you.


----------



## Notfeelingtoogood (Oct 18, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She lied to your face. The only one she has admitted to is the one you proved. Sorry but usually it's tip of the iceberg. Grab her new phone and try and recover texts. Right in front of her. Even if you cannot recover for whatever reason watch her reaction. Look at social media apps too, not just cell. Login onto her account now and check all numbers for last year. She if she hesitates on that. Undoubtedly as you dig in front of her she will hesitate.
> 
> Just file for divorce. Sharing videos, lying, exposing you to STDs. Dump her to the curb, She is gross. Get checked for STDs. Hand her the bill while you wear rubber gloves.
> 
> Ohh, keep the videos, keep it all. . Tell her they are for the kids should she contest the divorce and start to get nasty. Or attempt to rewrite the marriage like this is all your fault. .


I never had sight of the video's or pictures that we're traded thankfully.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You should divorce your wife and move on.
You say you love her. No, you love who you wanted to believe she was; still to this day not accepting who she has proven herself to be.

If you stay with this person, she will cheat on you again. She now knows that you are so weak that you will tolerate anything.
You will live your life wondering what she is doing when your back is turned, and why you stay with a woman that you MUST know doesn't truly love you. 
Find the strength to move on. Ask her to move out so you can detach and start to heal.

Or, you can remain in misery for years instead of the months it will take to get over this.

I'm sorry, but you were told your wife was cheating. You not only lived in denial, but enabled it to continue. What your wife has done in unforgivable. 

If ever a person should divorce and move on, you should.
I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's what you need to be told.

Based on how you listened in the past about your treacherous wife, I highly doubt you will listen now.

Sorry, I know it hurts. It'll hurt longer and hurt more to stay married to her.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Someone said:
2) DON'T GO PUBLIC. It might feel good to shame them, but it'll complicate your life long-term and it may open you up to legal problems. That said, if you really want to fight for your marriage, exposing the affair to select friends and family (on both sides) gives you both the support you need right now (your friends and family) and theoretically gives you a safety check on her side (she's less likely to do things if she knows others will be watching)."
~~~
Don't warn her that you are exposing her to family and select friends. Just do.
Don't warn her that you are filing for divorce. Just do.

My wife's affair was about 6 months old. (4 of it after D-day). And honestly, its still not easy. It's almost 2 years since her affair started. But she has got years and years of doing this.
- STD test.
- DNA all 3 of your kids. (Don't tell her you're going to, just DO IT)
- Save all evidence.

Buy a VAR or two. Keep hidden. Use if you are having talks with your wife. (A) more evidence (B) confirm how her story stays the same or changes (C) in case she goes crazy on you - and calls the cops saying you assaulted her. *When mine was scratching and hitting me - it got caught it on VAR.

Make copies of everything. Leave a copy at a trusted friends place.

Her tears is from being busted - like a child. That she is losing her dong-toy... 

She's been lying to you for years. SHE didn't find Jesus today and become an honest saint all of the sudden.
DO NOT TRUST A WORD she says.

Detach.
180

As others have stated.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Notfeelingtoogoo, 
Firstly, I am very sorry about your situation. Many of us here identify very strongly with your pain. More importantly, many here have had very similar experiences to yours ... and survived them, even flourished after them. You are not alone, however that may feel. I reiterate the advice from others that you should seek out counselling if you can, even if you have never thought it might be useful before. You really do need it right now. 



Notfeelingtoogood said:


> ... I love this girl with all my heart but I'm not sure I can ever trust her again after all these years of deceit.*


I personally believe that we can only love those who we truly know. Your wife has not shown her true self to you for some time. The person you first loved years ago is no longer (just as you are not the same person you once were). The person she is right now has deliberately deceived and manipulated you and your feelings in a series of lies that span years. She has humiliated and shamed you, without apparent care for your dignity and/or welfare. She has jeopardised the health, home and stability of her own children (and possibly the children of her lover?). Is this really someone you can love right now? Certainly, these are not the actions of someone who loves you. And allowing someone like that access to your future well being (emotional, physical, financial etc.) would be foolish. I do believe that we are all capable of change, but whether your wife can become someone who is worthy of your love and commitment is something that she still needs to demonstrate.



Notfeelingtoogood said:


> ... I feel my whole life has come to end but I'm trying to be strong for my kids. I came from a broken home and promised myself I wouldn't let it happen to my children.


The only way that you could have "let" this happen to your children is if your wife (and erstwhile friend) had come to you and got your approval for their affair - and from what I read, they did not. (Had they done so, I'm 100% certain that you would have said no, rather not.) The consequences of your wife's actions are not yours to own - to survive yes, but not to own. She is the one who "broke" your home. I'm afraid that it is already broken, and no amount of denial or "forgiveness" will undo that. (TAM posters pulled me over the coals when I shared that my husband asked me not to "break up" our marriage over his affairs - until I finally got it, he broke our marriage, not me.) The only way on is forward, from this point. So you can choose to forgive and work forwards, but never imagine that you can or should somehow own responsibility for the consequences of your wife's actions. You cannot change what she did. You could not change what she did.



Notfeelingtoogood said:


> Just to add she has been in streams of tears too and can't believe what she has done.


I know that you'd like to think that all this "pain" is an indication that your wife understands what she has done to you. It isn't. You don't even yet understand what she has done to you. And your wife has already clearly demonstrated her inability to empathise. One day soon, your pain will be swamped by anger, as you truly begin to grasp what happened. The trick will be to ride it and use it, but not let it own you. Until then, if I were you, I would work on your own emotional health and wellbeing. 

The best advice that I was given was to make myself stable, healthy and happy ... within myself. Then I could choose from a position of power whether I wanted to stay married, whether I could ever envision trusting my husband again. Whether I even wanted to try. "Choosing" when you have no choice is only about desperation. (Words to myself as much as to you.)


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Notfeelingtoogood said:


> Too late on the bonding side it's happened 3 times. I've been silly and acted out of desperation to feel a bit manly again.


Yea, okay. You're not the first BS that's made that mistake and won't be the last. I made it too.

Still, the advice doesn't change. Just explain to her that you made a mistake and put her out of the bedroom. Stick with the plan.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

OP, I'm getting the clear impression that you're going to cling like grim death to this two-faced liar.

And of course, it's your choice to do that. You're the one living your life, not us.

You do need to realize, however, that she won't respect you as a man if you're THAT willing to swallow your pride and stay with someone who treated you like something on the bottom of her shoe because you're so desperate to have her any way you can get her. She'll actually look down on you for that. She won't tell you that, but she will. I know I would.

Good luck to you.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Divorce. Not only has she made a fool of you she tried to make you think you were insane.


----------

