# Improve Intimacy



## virgil (Sep 11, 2010)

Hi everybody,

Hoping I can get some advice from the men and women here. Trying to put my thoughts into something sensible to read is a little harder than I thought and this is a little bit of a brain dump. 

I want to increase the level of non sexual intimacy between my wife and I. 

I would love to just sit down and start talking about general every day things, being more touchy feely but it doesn't occur to me and based on feedback from my wife I only talk with her when I want sex which is probably true. 

I get home quite late every day and by the time i'm home my wife has finished work and seems like she just wants to zone out and relax which I appreciate but id like to have more of a connection with her. 

I've tried various things over the years but it doesn't quite stick and was hoping to get some advice on the things other guys do or things women like to see that makes them feel wanted for who they are not just a physical need.

I do quite a bit round the house, i'm into DIY and do all the things she asks for. 

I've tried listening to many audible books and even going to a councillor on my own to change things but it hasn't helped. 

Any suggestions on how to improve things ?

V


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

The simplest thing to do would be to take interest in things she does, and perhaps, if you're not doing so already, join her in the kitchen to clean up, help fold the laundry, that sort of thing. Make quality time where you find it. You could also try backrubs, and make it a point that no sex follows. Which will be tough, possibly for both of you. But don't make it an always thing.

Curious what brings you to this point?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Make sure you do everyday things TOGETHER -- go to the grocery store with her, do errands on the weekends together. Buy her flowers at random. Watch the news together and discuss the stories.
Just plain ask her what she did during the day. If you are sitting on the couch watching tv, just reach over and hold her hand. Oh yeah, you can hold her hand while running errands walking in the mall too!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Have dinner together, at the table, with the Tv off and no phones. 

Take a short walk everyday together to get fresh air. 

Text her during the day, asking about her day, telling her yours. 

Sign up for a class with her... cooking, dancing, art. 

Plan a mini get away.

Take baths together. 

The most important thing is to spend time together. Quality time.

And remember it’s a marathon not a sprint. Be consistent.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

LISTEN when she talks. Make eye contact. Smile. Look at her with eyes of love. Make lots of non-sexual contact. Hugs. Tell her how much she means to you. Give small gifts. Write notes. Date. Act like you did when you were dating. Do things for others who mean a lot to her. Intimacy and connection are very important to women.

Do you take good care of yourself as well as her?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

sunsetmist said:


> LISTEN when she talks. Make eye contact. Smile. Look at her with eyes of love. Make lots of non-sexual contact. Hugs. Tell her how much she means to you. Give small gifts. Write notes. Date. Act like you did when you were dating. Do things for others who mean a lot to her. Intimacy and connection are very important to women.
> 
> Do you take good care of yourself as well as her?


Hugs....long ones. Upwards of several minutes if need be. Don't let go until her body relaxes into yours, you'll feel it when it happens. 

We're mammals, body on body contact is essential.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Pioneer family therapist Virginia Satir said that you need four hugs a day to survive, eight hugs a day for maintenance and 12 hugs a day for growth.


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## virgil (Sep 11, 2010)

Casual Observer said:


> The simplest thing to do would be to take interest in things she does, and perhaps, if you're not doing so already, join her in the kitchen to clean up, help fold the laundry, that sort of thing. Make quality time where you find it. You could also try backrubs, and make it a point that no sex follows. Which will be tough, possibly for both of you. But don't make it an always thing.
> 
> Curious what brings you to this point?


What brings me to this point is a good question. 

I’ve asked her if there is anything wrong and she says no, she’s used to me being the way that I am and that she’s ok with that.

It just feels a bit wrong and that I’ve somehow let her down that although she’s not said it. I want to feel like she’s happy, I know real life doesn’t always look like the films but I’d like her to make her happy when I’m in the room more often than I do


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

virgil said:


> What brings me to this point is a good question.
> 
> I’ve asked her if there is anything wrong and she says no, she’s used to me being the way that I am and that she’s ok with that.
> 
> It just feels a bit wrong and that I’ve somehow let her down that although she’s not said it. I want to feel like she’s happy, I know real life doesn’t always look like the films but I’d like her to make her happy when I’m in the room more often than I do


In that case, it's important to stop making it about *her *("I'd like to make her happy", "I've let her down") and make it about *you*: "I would like us to talk more" or "hug more", whatever it is. Own it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@sunsetmist to me has the best answers.

Some of the others, like folding clothes and going to the grocery store with her can sometimes not be togetherness but interruptive and forced, can put her on the defensive or make her think something is wrong.

Some best, and I cannot emphasize enough;

Hugs and touches in passing, sitting together holding hands while watching tv, touching in general always good. Daily.

Questioning her about her day, not always good. Inquire, ok, don't interrogate her just to get your word count up.

Consistent hug and kisses everytime one of you comes home, or leaves, and sometimes just when one enters the same room.

A little groping when both are getting in / out of the shower or brushing teeth, always good.

I always shave and trim beard nekkid, she many times comes behind me and plays with "things" in mid shave to see if I can stay on point or she can get a rise involved "just because" as she passes.

It's the small things that lead to more personal non generic communicating, not just trying to "force" more time to check a box.

Personal, and not general, conversing is best. 

You're the only one in the world she can talk to about certain things, or talk with you in certain ways naturally. 

Explore those simple and personal opportunities and the rewards are of unlimited magnitude compared to what you may think are small efforts on your part.

Remember there are certain types of conversations and touching only a married or ltr couple can have together, and with no one else in the world can they say it do certain things. 

Those are your targets. And you both will enjoy being a couple so much more.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Have you tried, putting the seat down after using the head, folding laundry that's in the dryer, buying her things only she likes, subscribe to her desired hobby,. Have her write things down and putting them in a jar and to do them as you can, back her up when she corrects the children, doesn't pay for her mistakes by showing her it's no big deal, don't ask her what she wants but do what you think she would enjoy, show gratitude for things you expect, 

Keep quiet, when she speaks, don't solve her problems just let her vent, show her you love her - don't tell her you love her, protect her when she needs it most and let her be your equal when she doesn't, fill her heart and mind with love because you want to - not because she expects it, send takeout to her when she doesn't expect it while your at work, quit smiling that smug smile she is all to familiar with, 

Treat her 'like" you count your lucky stars she is with you, be a gentleman to her all the time, treat her better than your friends, put her above your friends, show her you sometimes want to be with her before your friends, take real pleasure in listening to her share her day, be available to her as much as possible, don't slam your point home on everything, and when you do talk to her don't rush her " just get it out" be patient with her like your boss, and make a fuss over her when you know she knows it's expected?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And don't expect accolades, when you do something, that manipulation!!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Being an afterthought isn't sexy. Knowing that you are only worth paying attention to when your partner wants sex isn't sexy. Being ignored isn't sexy. Like sex with your partner? Stay engaged with them and actively enjoying their company, even when you aren't having sex, looking for sex, or expecting sex. You'll have a lot more sex that way. _And_, you'll have a much happier, more engaged and intimate relationship, all the way around. 

My SO works from home. Every day when I come home from work, he'll stop whatever he's doing and greet me as I come in with a kiss and a big hug that can last upwards of a minute, or even longer. 

If he's still working, I sit in his office with him and have a glass of wine or a cup of tea and relax while he finishes up. We then sit together, no tv, no phones, maybe some music, and share our days. We talk about whatever springs to mind. Sometimes it's venting, sometimes it's funny comments about things that happened that day, sometimes it's deep discussions about work or life or the future. But whatever way it goes, it's engaged conversation together. 

After that, we decide on supper. If we're staying in, then we continue chatting while we cook, eat and clean up together. We do most of our chores together, generally. If we're going out, we sit close enough to continue comfortably talking, and leave our phones put away. When we are at home and watch tv or movies, we hold hands and talk about the shows. Sometimes we just sit in the same room and read our respective books in comfortable silence, with occasional breaks to share something or for one of us to reach out to hold hands. 

We hold hands a lot.

We touch a lot.

We hug a lot.

We talk a lot.

We listen a lot. 

We look for ways to engage with one another. A lot. 

Basically, we really enjoy one another's company, so we make an effort to spend time together doing everyday stuff while we talk and touch and generally engage. We consciously choose to avoid getting to the point that either of us feels ignored or like an afterthought.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You've been supposedly working on this problem for 9 years. How many hours a week do you and your wife interact without distractions such as kids, family etc? The recommended amount of time is 15 hours to maintain a connection.

Your kids should be old enough by now to be fairly self-sufficient. Is there a reason you can't get home a little earlier to help your wife with the nighttime chores and catch up on your days? Why is it you have the energy to get talkative with her when you want sex? I know you said you are interested in intimacy other than sex; but, what are you doing to create it?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

There are options in many responses here on "how to", now it's up to you to pick a couple ways mentioned, adjust if not working, and come back to report how things are going!

You're doing great, cognizant of the need, now is the time for action!

Most of possible actions are in this thread. There aren't any more mysteries to this topic my man.

Saddle up and act on some!! 👍👍🙂🙂

Come back and give an update 👍👍👍👍


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## virgil (Sep 11, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> You've been supposedly working on this problem for 9 years. How many hours a week do you and your wife interact without distractions such as kids, family etc? The recommended amount of time is 15 hours to maintain a connection.
> 
> Your kids should be old enough by now to be fairly self-sufficient. Is there a reason you can't get home a little earlier to help your wife with the nighttime chores and catch up on your days? Why is it you have the energy to get talkative with her when you want sex? I know you said you are interested in intimacy other than sex; but, what are you doing to create it?


Not sure I can reply to all the above but I really appreciate the responses so far from the everybody.

You are right I’ve been “working” on this for some time and if I’m honest I get frustrated by the lack of response for my efforts. Like one person says above I should expect a prize for my efforts so it might be an unfair expectation.

My efforts right now I rubbish and I don’t make enough of an effort to do anyone thing as I tend to over think and by the time I’ve come to a decision it’s too late.

Although we do spend about 3 hours a night together when I get home it can be very quiet.

I’m very process driven so like to have a plan to follow but haven’t found that group of things I should do that work.

Like you say I’ve been working on this for some time so I understand to make an impact my efforts need to be sustained and on going, they need to feel normal and not forced.

I like one comment above that says I should own it.

I do feel like there is a trend of feedback above where I need to be more talkative about the everyday things , introduce touch without the expectation of sex etc.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OK. Pick a game, any game that two people can play such as backgammon or cribbage and every night after the dishes are done, play a few games. TV off and phones out of sight. Who wins or loses is irrelevant - it is the act of concentrating on each other and building a common interest.

As the comfort level increases, you each will feel more comfortable with just chatting and connecting. Make sure you thank you partner for the game whether you win or lose. A hug wouldn't hurt. Good luck.


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## virgil (Sep 11, 2010)

Thanks everybody I think I have some good suggestions.

As suggested I’ll report back in later


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Have dinner together, at the table, with the Tv off and no phones.
> 
> Take a short walk everyday together to get fresh air.
> 
> ...


If my DW texted me through the day it would drive me insane. Good communication when needed but not the "just because" stuff.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> OK. Pick a game, any game that two people can play such as backgammon or cribbage and every night after the dishes are done, play a few games. TV off and phones out of sight. Who wins or loses is irrelevant - it is the act of concentrating on each other and building a common interest.
> 
> As the comfort level increases, you each will feel more comfortable with just chatting and connecting. Make sure you thank you partner for the game whether you win or lose. A hug wouldn't hurt. Good luck.


Scrabble maybe? Wonder if his wife plays any on-line games?


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

I bought some lights, strung them up in tree's, set up a hammock and candles and read a book to my wife once. 

I bought massage oils and really treated her right one night - feet especially

I paid attention to things she mentioned and tried to do them - be it food or ideas or childhood memories. .. like she rememered as a kid her grandma has a metronome and I found by asking her family the exact one and bought one like it

I once set it up so she had a series of clues all around the house hidden .. one led to another until the last one was telling her what I wanted her to wear and where to meet for dinner

Her fav band? take her

if she likes something and you don't (like dancing) get dancing lessons - something YOU are willing to do for HER.... important


things like that


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If my DW texted me through the day it would drive me insane. Good communication when needed but not the "just because" stuff.




I think if you get home late everyday and rarely have the time to connect with your partner on a face to face level, texting throughout the day is a must.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

That's true, if one doesn't spend time with their spouse.

Fortunately we spend the right amount of face to face time daily.

It was different when I traveled weekly extensively. I called every night in whatever state or country I was in. That was always a thing we did.


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