# Dday 1 - My fiance has been having a sexting relationship with a work colleague.



## wks (Jan 9, 2013)

Hi there,

I've been with my fiance for 18 years, we both met when we were young, about 18 yrs old, and until yesterday I thought I knew her inside out. I had trust issues at the very start of our relationship after she had a drunken kiss while out on a girls night. After a few years these subsided and I believed that she would never cheat on me. 

Since the end of last year, it seems she was much more interested in sex and we seemed to have it more regularly than the previous weekly session.

I got home last night from work and logged into facebook, and her profile was already logged in. I shouldn't have, but I clicked on the messages as there were 100's of messages between her and another guy whose married with a child. The last few messages was about arranging a meeting, so I went to the start of the thread. He's a work colleague, and though they don't work directly with each other, they do have contact. Anyway, around November last year they started messaging each other through fb even though they weren't friends. It started off with my fiance saying they enjoyed their chat and that a previous 'suggestion' was intentional.

He then said he couldn't believe he was going to send it but sent a message about a dream he had about her or something like that to do them having a kiss in a lift. My fiance then responded with a message about how she liked that and that she was going to have a shower and picture them taking things a little further.

Anyway, these messages progressed to full on quite graphic sexting back and forth over the next 5 weeks on a daily basis. The messages also talked about 'normal' stuff like how was your day, work-related stuff, and his and my fiances home life. And then they started to talk about how technically they hadn't done anything wrong but it could easily venture into more dangerous territory.

They then suggested a lunch meeting about what 'this' is, i.e the relationship. The next day was a work party and they discussed the 'drunken kiss' that had occurred and what it meant. My fiance said she didn't regret it and that it was quite enjoyable.

The messages carried on and there was another lunch-time sober kiss for a gift he had got her.

My fiance sent a message saying "I guess I would be right to assume we both want to take this further but perhaps are aware of the consequences......"

Then they both agreed that this was better discussed in person and agreed to arrange after work drinks. This was the last message before I found the messages yesterday.

As I read through the messages, I was shaking and I couldn't believe it. I was so scared about where this was going to end. My fiance got home and I confronted her. She swore blind that it was never her intention to sleep together but the most that would have happened had they mey would have been a kiss. She also said, the sexting was just words and that it was less to do with him per se rather an anonymous lover that turned her on. And that she enjoyed the attention.

I am so confused about what to do, we talked for 5 hours straight, into the early hours. I couldn't goto work today, but she had to as she was so busy, which I know is true. She told me she would tell him that it couldn't continue. She said that she truly loved me and that she still wanted to get married this year and have kids with me.

I don't know what to believe or think. DDay 1 is so hard. It seemed to me, more than sexting, it seemed to be developing into a relationship and as much as they hadnt agreed to meet for sex they had agreed to meet to discuss it and the consequences. 

I can't imagine my life without her, we are so ingrained into each other's lives and families. But I can't help thinking that the relationship has moved on sexting and they were going to have an affair. I still don't understand my fiances true feelings for him.

And trust! What do I do about that - they work in the same building. She has been calling and texting me all day to make sure I'm ok. She said she'd had a message from him asking if everything was ok. She just said she was busy at work. She told me she is going to tell him that it can't continue, but she's been really busy. I'm so confused, angry, shocked and scared about the future.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

wks said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I've been with my fiance for 18 years, we both met when we were young, about 18 yrs old, and until yesterday I thought I knew her inside out. I had trust issues at the very start of our relationship after she had a drunken kiss while out on a girls night. After a few years these subsided and I believed that she would never cheat on me.
> 
> ...


Not much time right now, but if want any chance to salvage this, then the job must go now!! This not unlike an alcoholic. Your fiance is drunk on the attention she is getting from POSOM. The only way to break her of that addiction is to get her away from the source of the addiction: Him. If she were an alcoholic, would you allow her near a bar? No. If she were a crackhead, would you allow her near a crackhouse? No. It's the exact same thing.

Get her out of that job TODAY or prepare yourself to get out of this relationship.

It's the only way.

And that's just step 1.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

While you are committed and in love, you are not married and right now you should consider that a blessing. DO NOT MARRY HER, UNTIL THIS IS LONG BEHIND YOU. POSTPONE THE WEDDING FOR A FEW YEARS.

Just some thoughts as to what is necessary:


 A no contact letter approved by you
 She MUST quit her job
 Postpone any wedding plans
 She must admit to all friends and family what she did and that she was considering a physical affair with this guy.
 She must be open and transparent to you with everything. Phone, e-mail, computer, work computer and all communication.
 Unfortunately, you are going to have to be policeman and watch her like a hawk. Key Loggers and Voice Activated Recorders.

Edit: Perhaps you should consider moving out for a while to show her her actions had consequences. Her reaction would be key as you would see how committed she is to you and the relationship. If you want this relationship, you need to be prepared to lose it. 

Also, Don't appear to be needy. Make her think you don't need her!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Find out who the other man's wife is and contact her. Do not tell your fiance you are doing this. Tell her the future marriage is on hold until further notice. Expose to her family and friends. Sorry man.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

She needs to quit that job and you need to call off the wedding ASAP. I'd also tell her family, friends, and if the guy she is cheating on you with is married or has a SO I'd tell her as well.

She's not going to stop just because you caught her, she's just going to try move underground with it. People in the midst of affairs are like drug addicts (and I know a few drug addicts). They'll make all the promises in the world, say whatever they have to, lie to whoever they have to as long as they can keep their fix going.

You need to draw some line in the sand boundries and be willing to walk if she crosses any. If you threaten her with consequences that you don't back up, she'll know she can just walk all over you and have her cake and eat it to.

But it's unlikely her affair with this guy is really over.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like all cheaters, she is minimizing what she's done and lying to you. It took a few days and a few whacks over the head, but my husband finally admitted that the intention to meet for sex is just as bad as actually doing it. 

There are a couple of links in my sig that would help - the Newbie one especially. You need to demand that she do what the other posters have said, and she must do it now, without hesitation. Only then should you even consider staying with her.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

wks said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I've been with my fiance for 18 years, we both met when we were young, about 18 yrs old, and until yesterday I thought I knew her inside out. I had trust issues at the very start of our relationship after she had a drunken kiss while out on a girls night. After a few years these subsided and I believed that she would never cheat on me.
> 
> ...


:bsflag:

Send this bird packing and thank God that you were so fortunate that you discovered how unsuitable for marriage that she is before you found yourself in a very poor situation.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

They work in the same building, bad news. I would say she has to quit her job but what happens if she finds mr. right at the next one? When you feel better let the families know why the marriage may be called off and find out who the pos wife is and let her know about this.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Clearly she loves him and not you. She wants him and not you. She is “settling” for you.

Sorry to say this, but you’re marrying someone who will continue to betray you as she apparently finds this stuff exciting and it meets a need she seems to want to have fulfilled.

I would call the marriage off, send copies of the messages to this guy’s wife and walk away from this relationship for at least a few months and then reassess if it should continue.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I hope you saved those messages if not do it now!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> Clearly she loves him and not you. She wants him and not you. She is “settling” for you.
> 
> Sorry to say this, but you’re marrying someone who will continue to betray you as she apparently finds this stuff exciting and it meets a need she seems to want to have fulfilled.
> 
> I would call the marriage off, send copies of the messages to this guy’s wife and walk away from this relationship for at least a few months and then reassess if it should continue.


I disagree with the first paragraph here. It is not "clear". My guess is she developed a crush on this guy and it went too far. Clearly an EA, but you snapped her out of her affair fog by confronting. Her checking up on you is a good sign.

But I do agree with you suspending the marriage for the time being. No way I just go through with it as it stands. This is a serious situation.

Um, can I ask why in the heck you've been with someone for 18 years and you are just now planning to get married? Something smells funny about that.


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## wks (Jan 9, 2013)

The other guys wife is a manic depressive and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him. We've been engaged for 7 years - and everyone we know has asked the same thing. We were going to get married quite some time ago, but i went back to university for 3 years and just started work again. My fiance has wanted to get married and have kids for a while now. As much as she financially and mentally supported me for those 3 years, I always felt that she resented I put our life on hold. I'm getting so scared by the responses and that I may have to walk away. I always felt loved, but felt I loved her more.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I haven't seen were you have stated if there are kids or not. If there are no kids....I would run for the hills. If she is willing to do this while you are not even married, then it will not be taboo when you are.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Please tell the BW. She deserves to know.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Please tell the BW. She deserves to know.


:iagreeO IT ASAP!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

wks said:


> The other guys wife is a *manic depressive* and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him.


Just how do you know this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

wks said:


> The other guys wife is a manic depressive and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him.


But you are comfortable letting him have a sexual relationship with your wife?!?!

Who cares what his life situation is. He knew your wife was married, right?? TELL HIS WIFE. She deserves to know what kind of man she's married to. Save those chats and send them to her. If you don't, he will continue to lie to her. You're doing her a favor by telling her now and not making her wait another year or five to find out.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

When people show you who they are believe them. 

Unless you want a new marriage where you have to police her and live in fear that she is up to it again, I think I would pack it in. Spending your life patrolling the perimeters of your relationship is not fun. 

The memories taint everything, casting a shadow on the good times as well. Example, Christmas morning, husband is on the floor playing with our boys and all the new toys...such a Norman Rockwell moment, yet as I watched him, I remembered how this time last year he was plotting on how to leave us and run away with his online love. 

You deserve a fresh start-


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Expose his crud to his wife--- otherwise he has no fear on his end and will just take their sexting underground. Why wouldn't he? If there are no consequences for his behavior he just keeps plugging away with his games at your expense.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

<sigh> The quickest way to end this is to expose this to the omw, that's it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

wks said:


> The other guys wife is a manic depressive and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him.


If you're going to be a nice guy about this whole thing, you are doomed. You may as well drive your fiance over to him, politely ask them to use a condom then pick her up when they are finished. You have to get nasty about this and you MUST contact his wife. Let the chips fall where they may! Trust me when I tell you, she is not done with him, not in the least!


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> <sigh> The quickest way to end this is to expose this to the omw, that's it.


:iagree:

If you want her back, and for the life of me I don't know why you would, this has to happen first. The point of exposure is to make the collateral damage of an affair so great and so certain that it effectively overrides the thrill of the fog. Without that, this affair will simply become a matter of opportunity (which will be ample given their work situation) and better planning, after which you will be none the wiser until she hands you your ring back while packing her things to move into a new apartment that she and the OM can use for their sleepovers.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to expose this interloping berk. Reconciliation with the fiance is BS's discretion but I definitely wouldn't.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

wks said:


> I'm getting so scared by the responses and that I may have to walk away. I always felt loved, but felt I loved her more.


If this is important to you, invest some time in reading this board and what other guys like you have been through. The one common thread of mistakes that all these guys made were:


Being weak and passive about dealing with their wives/SO's transgressions when they first suspected it (head in the sand and rug sweeping)
Being nice. Not wanting to seem mean, possessive or controlling
Trusting too much
I'm not saying you have to be an ass hole about it, but you need to be firm and tough. From here on in it's about what you need to make this right. If you're not willing to do this, she is going to wind up being a sperm bank for this guy, like so many of the other WWs around here. Wake up!

Edit: By the way, report this to their employer.


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## StickMan1 (Dec 15, 2012)

:iagree:

I agree with many of the previous posts, especially the last one. If all contact is not cutoff, it will become a game of opportunity. I went through something very similar to what you're going through. I did not demand cutting all contact in the very beginning and let me tell you, oh what a mistake. Because the OM lives four states away from my wife and I, in-person opportunity was impossible, but electronic was not - Facebook 'likes', random texts here and there, etc continued on for months before I took the advice of all the good people here and stopped being the 'nice guy'. I turned very matter-of-fact, explained the boundaries I was willing to live with in my marriage - basically drew a line in the sand... what's more important to you, your 'friendship' with him or our marriage (this all took place about a month ago). It wasn't pretty for a few days, but I stood my ground, and a month later, it's amazing how much I feel like I have my wife back - ALL of her (finally!). 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still cautious and I follow the 'trust but verify', but things are definitely on the up and up here, and I went through something very very similar to you.

PM me if you want to know more.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Troubling signs:
1. She was weighing pros/cons of an affair and seemed to be wanting him to "talk" her into it.

2. She was testing the waters with the "first" kiss and he passed with flying colors leading to a second kiss and a planned discussion to decide which way
to move forward.

3. She had no intention of stopping just yet. She may only have wanted to go forward for a few months, but her intention was fairly clear.

4. She initiated the first texts.


Hopeful signs:
1. The amount of deliberation hints that this was her first time (ot one of the first times).

2. She "seems" to have owned up. She didn't try to blame you right?

3. She's been trying to comfort you all day. (but her sincerity is not clear).


Suggest:
1.Postpone all wedding plans indefinately

2. Ask her to explain herself and just listen. Don't prod, seem needy, cry, plead, threaten, or yell. Just listen. You can take a day or two to compose yourself.

3. If she insists she made a series of poor decisions AND you don't sense deception then you can:

Ask her to find a new job
Ask for pw to social media, email accts, access to phone
Schedule couples counseling

WHATEVER YOU DO
xpose to OMW as has been suggested.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

StickMan1 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I agree with many of the previous posts, especially the last one. If all contact is not cutoff, it will become a game of opportunity. I went through something very similar to what you're going through. I did not demand cutting all contact in the very beginning and let me tell you, oh what a mistake. Because the OM lives four states away from my wife and I, in-person opportunity was impossible, but electronic was not - Facebook 'likes', random texts here and there, etc continued on for months before I took the advice of all the good people here and stopped being the 'nice guy'. I turned very matter-of-fact, explained the boundaries I was willing to live with in my marriage - basically drew a line in the sand... what's more important to you, your 'friendship' with him or our marriage (this all took place about a month ago). It wasn't pretty for a few days, but I stood my ground, and a month later, it's amazing how much I feel like I have my wife back - ALL of her (finally!).
> 
> ...


Holy crap! Did you copy this from my brain and life and paste it here with this post? Wow.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> If you're going to be a nice guy about this whole thing, you are doomed. You may as well drive your fiance over to him, politely ask them to use a condom then pick her up when they are finished. You have to get nasty about this and you MUST contact his wife. Let the chips fall where they may! Trust me when I tell you, she is not done with him, not in the least!



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Copy the messages op. Quickly. She will delete them, then will spend 6months rewriting history, telling friends and family they were innocent playful banter, and you are insecurely blowing it all out of proportion, and she is just a victim of your controlling jealousy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell the OMW. You are not protecting her in anyway. Her husband clearly from the start targeted your gf to cheat with. He sent her that message to test the waters and he found she was eager. 

And you know they've now had several kissing incidents and now a meet up after work. This is a physical affair and the meet up wasn't just drinks it was sex. 

You know what she did the minute she was out if your sight today. She texted him and warned him you had found out. She is right now at work talking to him about damage control
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> :iagreeO IT ASAP!


Is it possible that she got tired of waiting? Decided time try to hook up with OM and to help him escape from his marriage? Without a thought for you, his wife or the kid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would forgive you. She said that she felt no remorse for kissing him and engages in hundreds of sexting messages behind your back and this is a girl you were planning to marry this year? You have got to be kidding.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Wks, IMHO you stopped it in its' tracks (EA), the problem that still exists is they work together. The temptation is always there. If both of you can afford it she must leave. This monster will rear its' ugly head again. Don't feel sorry for this AP and his personal problems or worry about anything regarding him. Like the vets' have said expose and attempt an R. 

If an R is what you want and you can forgive, then by all means do what you must. I think marriage to her is a long way off. Restoring trust should be your ultimate goal here. She has some serious heavy lifting to do.

Side note, dude read the newbie stuff, there is a lot insight in those threads that will give you direction. Not to mention the people on here who have been married for quite some time and know what it takes to keep them going.

I don't know about counseling for you guys, but if your intention is to see this through it can't hurt. Good luck. BTW I agree with Bryanp, if the situation was reversed she would have took you out at the knees without hesitation, have you thought about that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would forgive you. She said that she felt no remorse for kissing him and engages in hundreds of sexting messages behind your back and this is a girl you were planning to marry this year? You have got to be kidding.


Well, we can't know that. She might. But... she isn't the one cheated on, she is cheater not cheatee, and this is the sad reality facing the OP.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> The other guys wife is a manic depressive and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him.


Are you truly trying to end their relationship? By not exposing him you are enabling and protecting there Affair. The OM is very comfortable to begin F#$king your GF (if not already..)


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear wks,

Let's do a quick analysis of your story so far:



wks said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I've been with my fiance for 18 years, we both met when we were young, about 18 yrs old, and until yesterday I thought I knew her inside out. *I had trust issues at the very start of our relationship after she had a drunken kiss while out on a girls night. After a few years these subsided and I believed that she would never cheat on me.* *[She's cheated on you before but you didn't learn your lesson and now look where you are. You need to wise up. This woman is a cheater. You would be a fool to marry her.]*
> 
> ...





wks said:


> *The other guys wife is a manic depressive and have a young child - I wouldn't feel comfortable exposing him.* *[Believe me, you have a lot more concern for him than he has for you.]* We've been engaged for 7 years - and everyone we know has asked the same thing. We were going to get married quite some time ago, but i went back to university for 3 years and just started work again. My fiance has wanted to get married and have kids for a while now. As much as she financially and mentally supported me for those 3 years, I always felt that she resented I put our life on hold. *I'm getting so scared by the responses and that I may have to walk away.* *[Again, you reaction should be anger and relief that you learned this before you married her, not fear.]* *I always felt loved, but felt I loved her more.* *[Well, at least you're half right.]*


Frankly, if you marry your fiancée after having learned all this about her, you will have no one but yourself to blame and will deserve all the heeatache that you will get.

I hope you're not too far gone to see things for what they are and have the courage to make the right decision.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

I wouldn't marry her knowing whole marriage I'll have to be checking her activities.

If you marry you are going to have to check her facebook/phone constantly and if she cheats its all on you.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Exposure really is the quickest and best way to end this. Listen to us. The I WS who have been there!

You say she went to work because she had a lot on!? Bull****, she went to see the OM and to discuss their options. She should have prioritised your marriage, she didn't! This is a bad sign!
Again been there, done it! 

You need to act!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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