# He is driving me up the wall!



## ohilton (Apr 12, 2013)

Please, I want your opinion on a typical happening in my household.

My husband has a Prime membership with Amazon, an account that he refused to give me his login/password information (he probably does not want me to see what he orders that might cause an argument - so, I am fine with that). So, Christmas time came and I had to order something for my niece that needs an immediate delivery. Since he has the Amazon Prime membership, I asked him (via text) to order the item for me. In my text included a link to the item and a short message that should go with it (stating, of course, who it came from). He then ordered and shipped to my niece directly. Christmas has passed and I haven’t heard from my niece whether or not she received the item. So, I sent her a message asking her if she did receive it. She said she did but didn’t know who to thank because it didn’t say who it came from! So, then I told my husband that he forgot to send the message along with the item. He said, I did not tell him to do that. So I said, check the text message that I sent you and you will see in there that I indeed, told you the message that should go with the item. He then got defensive and said that next time, I should not ask for his help anymore and that I need to have my own Prime account with Amazon because he is not going to order anything for me in the future using his Amazon Prime account.

Like I mentioned, this is the typical behavior my husband shows whenever he is caught in a “non-excuse” situation. It is just driving me up against the wall! :banghead:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps you two need to start by dealing with the root issue that he feels the need to hide things from you to avoid a fight... What kind of things is he ordering, and why would it cause a fight? 

C


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The hiding of purchases is bad news. You have no idea how much debt he is running up. How does he take delivery of the orders?


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## ohilton (Apr 12, 2013)

Between us, he is the spender and I am the saver. In the past, we would argue about how he is not shopping around enough to get the best deal. He would also buy stuff that I think unnecessary -- stuff for his hobbies (CDs, DVDs, camera and accessories, hunting accesories). Now, I have decided not to sweat these things anymore as long as he does his financial responsibilities for the household, which he does (we run our own finances). In order to do that (not sweating), it would be better if I do not know what he is buying.

My problem here is not his spending habit (fortunately, he has enough money to support his spending) but his behavior and how he reacts whenever he is caught in a non-excusable situation like the above.


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## ohilton (Apr 12, 2013)

Everything is delivered to our house and I just ignore what kind of stuff are in those Amazon boxes. Like I said, to me, it's better that way as my blood might boill if I see what stuff are in those boxes.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ohilton said:


> Like I mentioned, this is the typical behavior my husband shows whenever he is caught in a “non-excuse” situation. It is just driving me up against the wall! :banghead:


How do you usually confront him when something like this happens? It sounds like a small-ish mistake that could have been mentioned but not turned into a fight. 
I'll admit that when I am doing something for H and I make a mistake that he gets mad about my first instinct is to just say "fine, do it yourself next time then!" 

If he came at me like "thanks for ordering the present, I called her to make sure she got it. I think you must have forgotten to put the name on it because she didn't know who it was from but it's all sorted out now" I would be apologetic, remember next time and we'd move on with our day.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Hiding anything in a marriage is never a good thing, because there is a reason he needs to hide it. You two should know everything each other is buying, just because it doesn't upset your finances, doesn't make it okay. Getting defensive or secretive means he is probably doing something he shouldn't be or why make such a big deal of it??


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

ohilton said:


> Please, I want your opinion on a typical happening in my household.
> 
> My husband has a Prime membership with Amazon, an account that he refused to give me his login/password information (he probably does not want me to see what he orders that might cause an argument - so, I am fine with that). So, Christmas time came and I had to order something for my niece that needs an immediate delivery. Since he has the Amazon Prime membership, I asked him (via text) to order the item for me. In my text included a link to the item and a short message that should go with it (stating, of course, who it came from). He then ordered and shipped to my niece directly. Christmas has passed and I haven’t heard from my niece whether or not she received the item. So, I sent her a message asking her if she did receive it. She said she did but didn’t know who to thank because it didn’t say who it came from! So, then I told my husband that he forgot to send the message along with the item. He said, I did not tell him to do that. So I said, check the text message that I sent you and you will see in there that I indeed, told you the message that should go with the item. He then got defensive and said that next time, I should not ask for his help anymore and that I need to have my own Prime account with Amazon because he is not going to order anything for me in the future using his Amazon Prime account.
> 
> Like I mentioned, this is the typical behavior my husband shows whenever he is caught in a “non-excuse” situation. It is just driving me up against the wall! :banghead:


Nobody likes to admit they're wrong. Your husband is no different. If I were you, I would open up my own Amazon account. Tell him you have your own account and to make certain not to open your boxes. That will get him to think a bit.
If he can't take it, he should not dish it out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It takes two people to have a conflict, usually. As in, you need to work on the reasons why his spending burns you so much when he's still meeting his financial obligations.

Other than that, his comment about you getting your own Prime account and not placing responsibility on him is perfectly valid. Yes, he could own up to misreading your text. But he was doing you a favor. 

C


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Why are you so upset that he spends money on his hobbies if he's not spending money you don't have? 

Are you upset that he's spending time on the hobbies instead of you?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, I have some side advice. I wouldn't sign up for a second Prime account. You don't order enough to justify the cost. You can get expedited shipping without having a prime account and They will treat you better. Most of my prime orders are shipped USPS priority mail because I tend to buy close to a weekend. So I'm paying for 2 day and getting 3 day. 

Congratulations on getting your order delivered in time for Christmas. 

On the relationship problem, I share my kindle account with my wife, but not with my daughter who doesn't want me to know what she reads. There are two sides of the transparency issue. He probably thinks he needs to hide purchases from you to avoid confrontations. You have a history of confronting so he feels this. I believe in openness and hope that some day she will actually take a look and talk to me about something. (different world) 

I think your separate finances arrangement is working pretty well for you. His denial of taking care of all the details of the purchase is the thing that is sticking in your craw. Yes he made a mistake. You are not required to have his apology before you can forgive him for that. He is unwilling to be trusted with such a responsibility in the future, and you probably don't want to extend that trust either. As long as you have trust in more important areas this is a livable situation.

Advice to him: Courtesy would go a long way to healing this rift. You don't need a lot of bluster to prove how manly you are right now. What she wants is to be able to rely on you. She is constantly plagued by doubt because you hide so much. Why not start using a small part of your spending money on building your marriage. Open a savings account and put some in every paycheck. Doesn't matter what it is. Just let her know that you have it, and that it is just in case she needs something, and if it doesn't get used up, a specified amount can be used for a (present, vacation, special event). This will make you look financially responsible to her, and satisfy your desire to spend. See Isaiah 55:2 if you are inclined to take advice from the bible.
MN


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, obviously, he was taught in childhood to experience shame over mistakes. And to fight back if caught in one. You're the lucky recipient of the holdover behavior. Problem is, HE isn't going to change who he is, not without a world-class meltdown in your marriage. What you CAN do is educate yourself on how to DEAL with a defensive shame-filled person so that your response doesn't trigger his reaction. Tons of stuff out there on it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> So, obviously, he was taught in childhood to experience shame over mistakes. And to fight back if caught in one. You're the lucky recipient of the holdover behavior. Problem is, HE isn't going to change who he is, not without a world-class meltdown in your marriage. What you CAN do is educate yourself on how to DEAL with a defensive shame-filled person so that your response doesn't trigger his reaction. Tons of stuff out there on it.


The only thing I'd add to that is that she's teaching him that the appropriate thing to do in their relationship is hide things that he knows she won't approve of. So she's feeding his behaviours.

We can't tell your husband that he should have just fessed up to making a mistake, because he's not here posting. All we can try to do is make suggestions to keep the situation from cropping up in the future.

C


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Nowhere in your summary do I see you thanking him for ordering and shipping the gift. If the first words out of my wife's mouth about a favor I did for her was to tell me how I f'd it up, she'd pretty much get the same reaction you got.

Is this part of the explanation?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It all depends how you approached him about mistake. 

But so you know - Amazon does allow sharing of Amazon Prime for different members sharing the same address. My husband has Prime, and I can use it too. It does not give each of us access to see the other's purchases, it simply allows us both to use it for shipping. There are some limits for the secondary member, for example I cannot rent kindle books , it is only for primary. 

I know this does nto solve marital problems, but it is practical info to use.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> It all depends how you approached him about mistake.
> 
> *But so you know - Amazon does allow sharing of Amazon Prime for different members sharing the same address.* My husband has Prime, and I can use it too. It does not give each of us access to see the other's purchases, it simply allows us both to use it for shipping. There are some limits for the secondary member, for example I cannot rent kindle books , it is only for primary.
> 
> I know this does nto solve marital problems, but it is practical info to use.


Holy crap. Didn't know this.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

ohilton said:


> Please, I want your opinion on a typical happening in my household.
> 
> My husband has a Prime membership with Amazon, an account that he refused to give me his login/password information (he probably does not want me to see what he orders that might cause an argument - so, I am fine with that). So, Christmas time came and I had to order something for my niece that needs an immediate delivery. Since he has the Amazon Prime membership, I asked him (via text) to order the item for me. In my text included a link to the item and a short message that should go with it (stating, of course, who it came from). He then ordered and shipped to my niece directly. Christmas has passed and I haven’t heard from my niece whether or not she received the item. So, I sent her a message asking her if she did receive it. She said she did but didn’t know who to thank because it didn’t say who it came from! So, then I told my husband that he forgot to send the message along with the item. He said, I did not tell him to do that. So I said, check the text message that I sent you and you will see in there that I indeed, told you the message that should go with the item. He then got defensive and said that next time, I should not ask for his help anymore and that I need to have my own Prime account with Amazon because he is not going to order anything for me in the future using his Amazon Prime account.
> 
> Like I mentioned, this is the typical behavior my husband shows whenever he is caught in a “non-excuse” situation. It is just driving me up against the wall! :banghead:


There's usually more to this than exists in this story.

I've heard this from several other people, and it's rooted in how you informed him that there was no message. If you come across confrontational/critical rather than helpful/informative, as is easy to do in such a situation, some people react defensively or seek excuse: "You didn't tell me that". At that point, the conversation is now adversarial, and you'll prove that you did. So the truth is: "I don't remember you telling me that." But because of the critical tone that the conversation began with, he feels attacked. There's nothing he can do about it now. It's done. It was sent. Will apologizing change anything? No. People who are often criticized do this a lot.

But we men also often take the view: "If you want something done right, do it yourself." When someone does you a favor, there isn't much room to complain about how they do it. They were trying to do you a FAVOR. He can't fix it and he's being attacked. He's cornered. But moreover, he views you as ungrateful. He was doing you a favor you asked of him. He doesn't want to be in that position, so he says "do it yourself". Problem solved.

If it matters to you so much that you'll confront him over such a mundane mistake, then perhaps you really should do it yourself and have your own account. In his mind, he did something for you, but now he's getting sh*t because he didn't do it perfect. That's a sign of ingratitude, and his response is typical of how most people respond to an ingracious person: we tell them to do it themselves next time.

My guess, based on the hiding of purchases in the first place... is that you're quite critical and he moved into self-defense mode a long time ago. Nobody likes to be called out on every little thing.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

To me it doesn't seem like OP did anything terribly wrong, but I don't know all the sensitive buttons, triggers, history, etc. in their relationship. A text has the potential to send the wrong message b/c it only contains a few terse words and does not include nuances, emotions, facial expressions, etc. and, although not the sender's intent, he might have felt attacked or disapproved of or that his compliance with the request to order and send the item was not acknowledged. 

In my situation, my H is sensitive about his weight and sometimes not so successful efforts to diet and gets defensive and sometimes conceals purchases of snacks, etc. I'm pretty sure all his gas station receipts are not gas, probably some are snacks he doesn't want me to know about, and he has taken to putting some of them on the VISA card rather than the debit card to prevent my seeing specific items purchased. Thankfully it's not much money, nothing like electronics or online shopping, so I just ignore it. I know a lot of money is not going out the door because our account balances are okay, and although I wish he would be more forthcoming about what he's spending money on, as I do with him, he has a right to keep some things to himself. After all, it's a little embarrassing for your partner to know you're eating cookies when you're trying to diet.

I would just try to be as sweet and kind as possible when I speak to him about such things. Men need to be handled with kindness and patience. Mine tells me that he will respond much better if I'm nice instead of angry and yelling. So I've had to work on not coming across angry and yelling, although it's not easy when I'm upset.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Not sure if someone already mentioned this but...

I have Amazon Prime and shares the 2-day delivery with the husband. You can share up to 4 people within the same household for expedited delivery.


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## ohilton (Apr 12, 2013)

Thank you all for your input. I will try to re-read all your feedback, digest everything and go from there. You guys are great! I really appreciate all your replies/opinion.

I must admit though that my biggest hurdle in our relationship is how to say things to my husband in a nice way. I tend to sound critical to him whenever I see something wrong that he does. I know this is something very hard for me to do, especially with a husband who forgets a lot and tends to blame me whenever he does something the wrong way because he forgot what I told him or he was not paying attention to what I was telling him. And this happens a LOT, unfortunately!

Oh, also for those who mentioned about the household Amazon Prime sharing, thank you for letting me know of this. I will definitely ask my husband to share his membership with me. I am crossing my fingers that he will say yes to this without asking me a lot of questions, or worse, an argument.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One of men's top 3 Emotional Needs is almost always Admiration. So you have majorly failed to meet this EN for him.

The best way to talk to someone about something they did you're not happy about is to use I statements. "When X happens, I feel Y." Not "When YOU do X, YOU upset ME."


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Some insightful comments at the end in my view. 

1. "I must admit though that my biggest hurdle in our relationship is how to say things to my husband in a nice way. I tend to sound critical to him whenever I see something wrong that he does. I know this is something very hard for me to do, especially with a husband who forgets a lot." Very true. A lot of women are very delicate with casual acquaintances but feel free to unload on their husband. 

He had made it very clear that clear and repeated criticism will not be productive, indeed he will try to do the opposite like many men. Jack, can you try to clean up the house while I am gone. He does, putting things in the laundry, putting dishes away and the wife says, I told you not to put the colored items in the white pile, and he says fine, I'll tell you what, you do the laundry from now on, I'll stay out of your way. 

2. You need to have the discipline to determine what will be productive and work together. Few men say, 

A) Husband A, my wife is very cute, she read the great book on satisfying your husband, she compliments me on what I do and it's great to have someone who is supportive and impressed by me even when things don't go right. 

B) Husband B, my wife gained a few pounds but freely criticizes me, telling me 2-3 times a day when I do wrong based upon what she says is her superior knowledge, 

A) Husband A, my gosh, I guess I'm really missing out, I wish my wife were as smart as your wife and would give me the benefit of her superior knowledge a little more often. Imagine how much better I could do in life with a wife criticizing and correcting me 4-5 times a day.


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