# Done Before 10 Years



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

The first 8 years of marriage was hell following a very happy engagement. My wife and I were opposites but were fiercely attracted to each other. It was heaven on earth but a baby came along and changed the dynamics of our relationship. My selfish and uncompromising nature came out. Her immense need for emotional support was overwhelming. My career grew while hers was stagnant. She lost respect for me as a man.

In year 8 I discovered her affair. Mostly emotional but some physical at the end. We tried to restore things for 2 years but the trust never came back. Our social lives continued to grow apart and had nothing in common. I was miserable not spending time with my wife. Intimacy and sex pretty much went away due to her lack of respect and love for me and the fact that I didn’t want more kids. She moved back to her hometown 45 minutes away to alleviate tension and build her business but it didn’t help. She could not get over the pain I caused and she saw that the infidelity caused a wound that she did not have the energy to repair. For years she felt I deserved a woman in my league. Someone who had a good upbringing without the abuse she experienced, a professional career, and enjoyed doing the things I want to do.

Last week she asked for a divorce. She said she wants me to find someone that makes me happy. I don’t know if she is seeing someone else or not but my insecurity always doubts her. That part doesn’t matter. Our lives have become completely separate outside of dealing with our son. She can’t provide what I want and I haven’t provided what she wants. 

On one hand I am relieved and feel released from the obligation of trying to build her up but I am also resentful of her dividing the family. I see so many couples splitting up and families fractured. I hope we can be amicable and friendly about it. She wants a mutual consent divorce and work out terms without court. She doesn’t want money except for the car I pay for but I don’t know how she will support herself. My son is with me for now but ultimately may go with her since the city she lives in has better schools. I also want to move back there but there are no good jobs for my line work, which is why we had to move in the first place. The drive to my job would be 65 miles. I did that for a few years but it wore me out.

I am an introvert. I put on a friendly social hat at work but once at home I don’t want to be bothered. I do a lot of solo activities but also hang out with a cousin but I am not constantly around other guys. Having a female companion was great and I will miss it. But I did feel like I lost her years ago when she chose friends over me and then the affair. Our social circles became completely separate. I was fine with that but when she never invited me to do anything with her, I knew our future was limited. She is an extreme extrovert who constantly needs attention and re-assurance from people. The affair partner provided that but even she knew he was worthless for a relationship.

Not sure if I should seek out another relationship or focus on being single. I don’t think I would make a good husband. I am content with my one son and as much as having a larger family seems like a blessing, I just don’t think I have the mental capacity for it. I also don’t have the emotional love bank or whatever you call it to nurture a woman whose self-esteem relies on what other people do for her.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to take a break and find yourself before you look into dating again, give yourself some time to get over the marriage and the infidelity that caused it to crash or you will have a hard time in future relationships.


----------



## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

> Not sure if I should seek out another relationship or focus on being single.


How old are you?
Old enough to be a monk?

The only way to get over a woman is to find another woman.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Live alone for a year or so. It'll make you a better person. In any relationship it needs to be balanced @ 50/50. If you can't give that you'll always flounder.

Infidelity is a gift that keeps on giving. That never goes away completely.

Rather than continue to struggle perhaps it would be better to end this.

What do you really want? You seem undecided.


----------



## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

I guess I don't understand. Unless this is a "stream of conciousness" post, you've had a lousy marriage from the beginning. 10 years of crap and an affair 2 years ago. What are you musing about?

Chalk this up to experience, be a great Dad to your son and be the best you possible. Maudlin navel-gazing destroys your life. Move on.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

10 years appears in the title of your post. Is that significant in some way to you?


----------



## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

you made it 2 years more then me:toast:


----------



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

Looks like I left some details out from the original post. This was more of typing out thoughts than asking for advice. 

We will get the divorce but I will retain an attorney. She doesn't want anything from me expect to continue to pay for the car she drives (it's in my name anyway) and to provide for our son. No need for court ordered support. I'm glad she isn't asking for alimony. She would definitely qualify but she believes if a person wants to leave a marriage they need to be able to support themselves. But she isn't 100% there. Legally in our case I don't think it matters who actually files the papers but since she wants the divorce I will request that she file them. It will be a quick mutual consent divorce. 

10 years was a big deal for her in terms of there being a milestone for renewing vows. I never saw the purpose of it and after the affair she dropped the idea. 

I was willing to forgive the affair and move on because I understood what led to that point. If I was more extroverted and socialized more I would have had my own. Even good people will do bad things when they feel they need an escape. I felt betrayed but she also felt betrayed by my lack of emotional support and not wanting more kids. It may have been naive but I told her that the affair should even the score and let's focus on trying to rebuild. We went to a Christian counselor and even she didn't understand why we were still married, just in terms of social differences and upbringing. We all knew it wasn't going to last at this point. My wife felt so beaten down that she had nothing left to give. I felt she was just exaggerating everything but she came from a childhood of abuse and abandonment, so everything I did (being emtotionally distant) was magnified from that experience.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

knight185 said:


> Not sure if I should seek out another relationship or focus on being single. I don’t think I would make a good husband. I am content with my one son and as much as having a larger family seems like a blessing, I just don’t think I have the mental capacity for it. I also don’t have the emotional love bank or whatever you call it to nurture a woman whose self-esteem relies on what other people do for her.


First thing is make no decisions about whether you seek out another relationship in the future. Deal with the here and now until you get the divorce finalized. Your son is your #1 priority. Make sure you get an arrangement which is good for him. This means you don't get destroyed in the divorce btw. Be sure you get an arrangement which allows you to thrive professionally and to have the time and energy to be a great parent. Commuting several hours each day would be bad for your ability to parent. Taking a lower paying job with poor future prospects would also harm your ability to provide for and be a good parent to your son. Fight to keep him with you where you have a good job.

Next, it sounds like you might be a Really Nice Guy. I suggest you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover. Also, some individual counseling may help you as you go through the divorce and get back out into the single world. Nice Guys (in the unhealthy version) tend to match up with dysfunctional women. Picking a woman with child abuse issues is a big red flag that you may be a Nice Guy or have similar ideas which harm your ability to pick a great woman. Few male friends, being a caretaker, Knight in Shining Armor, and maybe a few other things you've hinted at all point in this general direction of you being a Nice Guy.

After the divorce, just relax and build your new life without dating for a little bit. Ease into dating naturally, and view it as the icing on top of your great cake of a life you've built. Building your life around a woman is a bad recipe. Building a good life and then adding a good woman into it will be a much better arrangement.

For now, don't worry about when or if you'll find another woman. It will happen. Don't push it.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

knight185 said:


> We will get the divorce but I will retain an attorney. She doesn't want anything from me expect to continue to pay for the car she drives (it's in my name anyway) and to provide for our son. No need for court ordered support. I'm glad she isn't asking for alimony. She would definitely qualify but she believes if a person wants to leave a marriage they need to be able to support themselves. But she isn't 100% there. Legally in our case I don't think it matters who actually files the papers but since she wants the divorce I will request that she file them. It will be a quick mutual consent divorce.


Sounds like a good plan to me. Mostly.

Child support may be ordered by the court as a matter of standard procedure. The court wants to be assured the child will be taken care of. If you can do it without court order it may be fine, but will it open up opportunities for her to keep dragging you to court later on? I would ask your atty which path is best for you. It may be best if you get a court ordered amount. I would try to keep it out of garnishment. If you can arrange to electronically transfer funds to her regularly that would be simple for you without getting the state complicating it. The state can screw up which then makes your life miserable until you get it straightened out.

The car should be retitled to her name. You are at risk of liability if you are owner. If she gets drunk and kills somebody, you will be sued. I would find a way to sign the car over to her and be done with it. Even if you have to take out a personal loan to pay back the car loan. You want to break the connection. You could sell the car and buy a less expensive car to gift to her. Whatever, just find a way not to have any legal ties after the divorce is finalized.

It may not matter who files, but it may. Especially since she is not asking for alimony! A judge might look at the agreement and then just sign off on it. But if you file, the judge might wonder if you are trying to steam roll her. An activist judge might decide you are steam rolling her and order alimony. If she files, it emphasizes that she is ok with the mediated agreement.

Stay on top of all the paperwork and filings. Be sure there are no mistakes at all before she files. Ask to see the paperwork before she files it. My ex made several errors which caused some problems for me and delayed the process quite a bit (costing me money). Generally, your wife will file. Then you respond with a form saying you agree with everything. There will be some forms and probably some required parenting class since you have a minor child involved. Make sure the clerk receives all the forms. Call the clerk to verify it is all in their system and nothing is missing.

The forms for our state were pretty simple but the terminology was technical legalese. My ex missed filing a required form just because it wasn't clear it was required. This is why you need to call the clerk and ask specifically if they have everything and what else needs to be done (and by whom, you or your wife).


----------



## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Get a pitbull attorney ASAP. The nice cooperative woman can and likely will turn on a dime. She's likely found another man and is deep in the fog. When it lifts you'll find someone who will take the advice of her girl friends and will take you for everything she can get. Beware the liberal activist judges who haven't met a man they don't think deserves to be impoverished--saddled with court ordered payments irrespective of that the parties have agreed to. 

If you have savings, head to Vegas where in a fit of despair, you'll "gamble" it away. (Convert it to gold coins, or other untraceable liquid asset.) Take other steps to preserve your assets. You think you're depressed now...just wait until you've eaten Top Ramen for 5 days in a row. 

Believe me, the screwing you've gotten is nothing compared to the screwing you're going to get.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

knight185 said:


> Looks like I left some details out from the original post. This was more of typing out thoughts than asking for advice.
> 
> We will get the divorce but I will retain an attorney. She doesn't want anything from me expect to continue to pay for the car she drives (it's in my name anyway) and to provide for our son. No need for court ordered support. I'm glad she isn't asking for alimony. She would definitely qualify but she believes if a person wants to leave a marriage they need to be able to support themselves. But she isn't 100% there. Legally in our case I don't think it matters who actually files the papers but since she wants the divorce I will request that she file them. It will be a quick mutual consent divorce.
> 
> ...


Attempting to reconcile with an abuse victim is an entirely different deal. The playbook includes many caveats.

Sounds like you're resigned to the demise of the relationship.

What will be different next time?

What was your childhood like?


----------



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

My childhood was good. 

My parents struggled during my teen years. My dad had job trouble and mentally became a distant and weak guy. My mom couldn't keep up with supporting him in that way. They divorced when I was in college. My mom is like me. Doesn't need much emotional support. Just quality time and doing things together. She was also tired of being the primary breadwinner. My mom re-married later and divorced again for the same reason.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

knight185 said:


> My childhood was good.
> 
> My parents struggled during my teen years. My dad had job trouble and mentally became a distant and weak guy. My mom couldn't keep up with supporting him in that way. They divorced when I was in college. My mom is like me. Doesn't need much emotional support. Just quality time and doing things together. She was also tired of being the primary breadwinner. My mom re-married later and divorced again for the same reason.


Did she work on herself at all or simply carry the same expectations into every relationship?


----------



## knight185 (Jan 9, 2013)

She made the mistake of marrying a guy she knew didn't have high potential. He was fun to hang with but didn't make much money, didn't know how to do repairs around the house, and expected her to take care of all of the bills.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

knight185 said:


> She made the mistake of marrying a guy she knew didn't have high potential. He was fun to hang with but didn't make much money, didn't know how to do repairs around the house, and expected her to take care of all of the bills.


Sounds like a "no"

I will caution you, "finding the right parter" ignores half the battle.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like you two are better off without each other. I would suggest you avoid getting involved with anyone. You claimed to have a selfish and uncompromising nature, both are really bad traits to try and bring into a relationship. If that is who you are, then stay single. Thats ok, not everyone is cut out for relationships. If this is something you are unhappy with about yourself, then make sure you work on resolving it before bringing someone else into your life. 

Best of luck to you, I hope you find happiness.


----------

