# Separating - Not Sure What's Next



## OffHand (Sep 4, 2012)

Man, I wish I had found this site much, much earlier in my life.

So right now, my wife and I are planning to separate. It was my idea since we're at an impasse after approximately 2.5 months since she dropped the bombshell of sleeping with and having feelings for a new coworker.

I'm finally past the panicked stage and now feel like I've got a strong grip of what I'm OK and not OK with. I want this to work, but have gotten no indication from her that she wants to work on it with me.

We're now separating and getting some space. I worry a return after this point will be a logistical decision (i.e.: she can't afford to live on her own, these greener pastures aren't as green as I thought) rather than an honest desire to fix things.

My question: lately in my head I've been wondering... why wait? Why bother? Is separation such a magical system that I should give it time and see what happens? Why shouldn't I rip this band-aid off right now, get a divorce, and get on with my life? 

We're both young (28), no kids, no house, no car (living in the city).

What's the point? Am I finally growing a spine, or am I maybe taking it too far too fast and being destructive or vindictive?

Tried to keep it short. Can elaborate on details if that helps.

Thanks everyone.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

I too just very recently separated. 35, no kids. There is no adultery involved as far as I know, however. Codependence is the cause of mine (among other issues)

Reading what you've said here, you should not take into consideration whether your wife can afford it or not. That's codependence, plus she made her bed, so-to-speak. She has to deal with her own issues. You must not feel responsible for her.

Regarding greener pastures, and the potential to just outright divorce and move on. I'd say you are in the right mindframe to question it as you have. I think its totally healthy to keep both options available. And that's exactly what I'm using my separation period for. I'm using the time to fix myself and my own issues. Then I'm going to decide if my marriage is worth saving. 

I'll be honest, if adultery were an issue in my marriage, I don't think I'd need much time to decide. My separation is going to be for three months. I'm going to do my very best to withhold my judgement on my partner and marriage until that time. At which time I imagine I will either decide to reconcile, stay separated for longer (if I feel I/we need more time), or proceed with divorce. The decision is mine. As this decision is also yours. Good luck!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> why wait? Why bother? Is separation such a magical system that I should give it time and see what happens? Why shouldn't I rip this band-aid off right now, get a divorce, and get on with my life?


If your wife was begging you to not divorce her, then I would say, give separation a try.

There's absolutely no reason for you to wait. Get divorced as fast as possible and let her face the reality of life. If one day she comes to your doorstep, drops on her knees and sincerely begs you to forgive her, then you can consider the option.

I don't even know what you're waiting for. Get her out of your life as fast as you can. She's going to destroy your sanity if you allow her. That's what cheaters and cake-eaters do. They slowly make you question your own sanity.



> I want this to work


You want what to work?

Your marriage? It's DEAD. She killed it and is not even sad about it.


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

I would say it depends on the stuff we don't know.. What is SHE doing since you have been separated?? Does she seem regretful over what happened and is doing whatever she can to fix it?? If not and you go back for logistical reasons.. well you become the sugar daddy while she uses you up. Unless she is trying to win you back.. run don't walk to a lawyers office.


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## OffHand (Sep 4, 2012)

CorkonAFork said:


> That's codependence, plus she made her bed, so-to-speak. She has to deal with her own issues. You must not feel responsible for her.


I've actually been reading up on codependence and have been growing concerned with the idea that's what I'm wrapped up in here. She always relied on me for a lot and I was happy to feel needed. So now that I miss her terribly - am I upset that the relationship is over or simply the fact I don't feel needed?

She's been asking things of me - rides, help with things. I'm always the one she called on in the past, and so far I've been fighting the urge to jump in and help. It's disconcerting. 

And you're right. It is my call. Thanks for the perspective. 



synthetic said:


> If your wife was begging you to not divorce her, then I would say, give separation a try.


Yeah, she's definitely not begging. Separation was my idea since we're at an impasse (I want to work on it, she doesn't). 

Lately (since I've withdrawn and aren't speaking to her as regularly) she's been complaining that we aren't communicating enough. She's also been upset because I was "always her #1 person" and I'm suddenly not around to share exciting news with or talk to. It's only been a week.

But no indication that she wants the marriage to work - which is what I have to keep reminding myself. There's a part of my brain that just so desperately wants things to work out and be fixed I find myself reading into things she says and thinking immediately "Oh! This is it! That means she wants to work on things!".

It's an upsetting reaction that I have to control. Hopefully that will pass.



synthetic said:


> There's absolutely no reason for you to wait. Get divorced as fast as possible and let her face the reality of life. If one day she comes to your doorstep, drops on her knees and sincerely begs you to forgive her, then you can consider the option.
> 
> I don't even know what you're waiting for. Get her out of your lif.


Yeah, I don't know what I'm waiting for either. This would all be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't still feel something for her. My whole life I've seemed to either be really lucky or adept at making good choices.

Somehow my marriage failing feels like a failure on my part. Which is dumb - she cheated on me. She's the one who doesn't want to work on this. But it's still hard to shake the sensation that I'm at fault.


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## OffHand (Sep 4, 2012)

Oregondaddy said:


> I would say it depends on the stuff we don't know.. What is SHE doing since you have been separated?? Does she seem regretful over what happened and is doing whatever she can to fix it?? If not and you go back for logistical reasons.. well you become the sugar daddy while she uses you up. Unless she is trying to win you back.. run don't walk to a lawyers office.


Oh, Lord.

OK, so since I brought up separation (monday before last), she went off to a convention. We both had tickets, but I decided that forcing ourselves to be stuck in a room together with her friend wouldn't be a good idea.

So she went and has been at this convention since last Monday. She posted tons of pictures on facebook of her, her girl friend from ontario.. and the OM.

Yeah. He didn't have a ticket, and now suddenly does (I have not yet confirmed but wouldn't be surprised if she gave him mine). Better yet, they apparently hanged out all weekend and she saw fit to post lots of pictures of the two of them having a ball at the convention.

So now that she's back, I'm getting texts and messages that it sucks that her and I don't talk as much any more and I'm her most important person. Which feels like seriously conflicting information.

I'm talking with her tonight (the first time since we discussed separation). I don't think she wants to fix this and work on this. So yes - to your advice the next step feels like why wait and let's get this over with.

What a nightmare.


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

Well, I would say you have your answer..... give her the 180 walk away and make a new life for yourself.....


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## OffHand (Sep 4, 2012)

Oregondaddy said:


> Well, I would say you have your answer..... give her the 180 walk away and make a new life for yourself.....


Yep. I've started the 180, started reading the Married Man's primer and No More Mr Nice Guy - all of which have brought a lot of relief, but it also seems to of made her nervous now. 

Tonight I outline what's going on in my head. I'm moving on, if she's actually remorseful and wants this to work, then we can talk. If not, I need to rip this band-aid off and move on with my life as quick as possible.

This community is amazing. Thank you all.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

OffHand said:


> Yep. I've started the 180, started reading the Married Man's primer and No More Mr Nice Guy - all of which have brought a lot of relief, but it also seems to of made her nervous now.
> 
> Tonight I outline what's going on in my head. I'm moving on, if she's actually remorseful and wants this to work, then we can talk. If not, I need to rip this band-aid off and move on with my life as quick as possible.
> 
> This community is amazing. Thank you all.


Good for you on the reading. The knowledge will empower you.

Given your circumstances I would see a lawyer next week and move as fast as possible.

In the meantime it will be tough but rely on your friends and family. Get REALLY busy at work, pick up your favorite hobby direct.u, and work on yourself. Get back in the gym, get your finances in order, etc. Keep real busy and this time will fly by. Even do some of the things you have always wanted. 

The toughest times will be late at night when the phone rings or the texts come and she pulls on your heart strings. When that happens just open Facebook and see the pics of the OMand remember she is the one that put both of you in this position.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Friend! Come on!

It's called "the carrot!"

She say your her "best bud", but then takes the OM with her to a convention. And doesn't even hide it! Posted all over Facebook!

She wants her cake! And is stringing you along for the ride.


Not only that! How does it feel to have paid for the OMs ticket to the convention? 

Wtf! Why are you even second guessing yourself?!!

Stop being a pu$$y! Call a lawyer and get things moving already!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your story is so sad. OMG - I cannot believe a married woman posting pics with her lover for the world to see.

I think you know what you have to do. Good luck.


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