# Next Steps??



## downbutnotout0513 (Aug 4, 2010)

The last 2 weeks have a been a whirlwind for me. My wife & I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 beautiful children. I discovered last week that my wife has been having online relationships with other men that she's met through a site (POF) that later went into Yahoo IM & e-mail for those that "connected". They exchanged very explicit photos and dirty discussion. Once she was found-out, she admitted to several meetings with the guys, but no actual affair...just masturbation with pics and phone sex twice. Strangely enough, I believe her...or maybe I just want to have something left to hang on to. After living in silence throughout the house for 2 days, we finally had an open discussion about the online affairs this weekend. She wants to continue them for now because it is not wrong in her eyes and provides a bit of spice to her love life. In fact, she has suggested that I do the same! 

This is not how expected our life to be going into our 16th year of marriage. However, for the kids sake, I have decided to not separate (for now) and see if this is a phase that plays out. Hopefully, it will. In the meantime, I am also struggling with moving into the online sex scene myself. A bit nervous and unsure all around.

For the moment, I am down...but surely not out.

Any advice...from both the guys & girls perspective would be appreciated

Thanks!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

"Several meetings" with the guys but no sex. No way, she is playing you. The game she is in is a very dangerous one and not one she should drag you into also. Set your boundaries with her to stop this behavior. If she won't comply, get a lawyer and file. She is not respecting you, your marriage or your kids. Don't go along with it, don't delay.


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## akabob (Aug 2, 2010)

Agree with Amplexor - if she is not willing to change for marriage and kids, move on. She has already moved on from you. It will be painful, but needs to be done.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am going with the group here, and I really don't know if I would believe that she met with them but never had any sort of intercourse. Its possible, but not probable. Set down your boundaries and go from there. If she won't stop, time for you to let her go.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Not a chance..

Stop the affair or loose your marriage.. Do not tolerate this under any circumstances she is laughing at you. 

***

Typically the steps to save your marriage are:

Stop the affair and then save the marriage.

Do the following..

*Suck your gut in and man up*. Breath deeply, focus, the road ahead is tough, act with conviction and do not waver.

*Gather the evidence*, copies of the mails contents, where she is going, photos if you can. etc. Do so *NOW*

Then 

Tell your wife; be absolutely clear that you know she is in an AFFAIR and it stops now. Do not debate, argue or present evidence. 

I suspect your wife will decline so the next piece does not count YET. go to the end of this section.

****

If she says yes and agrees to cooperate say you require of her to write a no contact letter, she writes, you read, she mails.

Sample No Contact Letters

The Purpose Of No Contact


She gives you full access to her mail, text messages and any other form of communication she has with OM. All links to OM are to be severed.

Be very observant, doing these things does not mean she has stopped the affair – often this continues underground.

You must now support her, listen and hear what she says, try to understand why this happened in the first place, you may have to change - do it. Go to counselling together.

*****

_If she declines or denies then you have no option but to fight for your marriage_..

This step is caused *exposure*..

Continue to gather evidence: - text messages, phone call details, mail content, her whereabouts, her behaviours every thing you can get.

You need as much information on the OM as you can get:-, his contact details, his wife , girlfriend, parents, place of work, etc.

Once done *let all her family know *- just the facts only, no emotions calm and concise. 

*Let her friends know* 

*Get hold of his wife & family let them know*. 

If they work for the same company or the companies have a client relationship – *let the HR teams know*.

You need to *make the affair uncomfortable *and unpleasant and put it in the torchlight so all can see.

There will be some reaction, often the affair partner leaves home, DO NOT leave your home, it is their affair therefore it is their problem. 

*Secure your finances*; you must not financially support the affair. 

It is now that you have a difficult route. 

They are in the fog and will not cease contact.

You have no other way forward on this and cannot influence anything while they are in this mode whether they are at home or not.

It is in this period you now start working on you. Affairs happen for a reason. A bit of self-assessment is needed. 

Make changes to yourself; it must be evidenced by your actions. Do not grovel or engage in any communication or actions that place you at an emotional or mental disadvantage to your wife. You take the moral high ground, no lectures, no anger , no fighting, just loveable you who wants to save the marriage.

****
Extract from another post..

Instead, step back. Slow down. Learn some new methods of communicating, and begin a very thorough analysis of your marriage history. Look back for trouble areas - things that you may consistently fight about, things that bother you (but you never talked about), things that made you sad, things that hurt either of you. 

Take some relationship questionnaires - download and print out copies: if your marriage is to recover and become a better refuge for the two of you, these things will give you the tools you need to communicate exactly what you need to fix the broken parts

*****

Should you see your wife in this period then ensure she knows you love her and she is welcome to return back on condition she stops the affair. 

You acknowledge your failings and evidence that you are working to be a better loving husband.

This is a long road and it may take days, weeks or even months.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and explore the tips to fix your marriage. 

Research Plan A and Plan B.

Look after YOURSELF at all times.


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