# Illness and the Wayward Spouse....



## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

....So what's up with that???

It seems like there are many, many stories here where the BS has either gone through, is going through an illness, or dealing with a sick child, or a sick parent or a sick sibling. And...perhaps due to, yes, the focus on the event that is grabbing the most attention, the WS then steps up attention given to someone else instead of being present and more in-tune with the person who needs his/her support the most. 

Is it a predictable character flaw?

5 years ago my father had a stroke, my brother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and my brother's second marriage fell apart due to infidelity. 6 months later my dad died. When I track emails I see that's when some of the focus with my spouse started to go off to fantasy land. BUT two years ago I started to battle what I thought was fatigue, etc and a year ago I was diagnosed with a newly named "co-infection" of a vector born illness. (Still being treated but soooo much better.) I was "so consumed with my illness" (and taking care of the kids) I really wasn't focusing on my spouse the way I should have (hard, ya know? but true) I saw it as he couldn't give a rat's arse about what was happening to me physically. Put on a good show and punching the clock when he needed to. But really he was focusing on perky "Wretchie" and her healthy illusion self and her "anything for you" attitude.

What is it? I wonder if all people dealing with illnesses should be put on notice to attend to their marriages or their spouses should be told "Hey pay attention -- this is fertile ground for your cheating". 

What do you all think? There have to be statistics on this!


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

My ex-wife was having an affair while her father lay dying in a hospital bed. I guess it was her way of escaping reality. She'd go visit him one night and the next day was out doing who knows what. All the while I'm working or taking care of the house and kids.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

My guess is that it varies. In my marriage, it was a decline over several years. 

BH had 3 back surgeries, finally resulting in permanent disability. He withdrew from our marriage, stayed in his man cave for most of the day and sometimes all night. He started talking to his 'female' friends more than we spoke. I asked if we could go to counseling but he didn't see any need. He lost his best friend (best friend since they were 4 years old) and we lost two other friends within a year and he spiraled even further into depression.

I remember him telling me about his friend 'Roseanne' who was having marital issues. He told me about how he had told her much better OUR marriage was and how happy were were together and I literally spit out my coffee and laughed at him. I told him that I didn't know what marriage HE was in but I was in an unhappy and lonely marriage. He didn't see it, continued in his depression and all his little female minions talking to him at all hours of the day and night. 

I couldn't get him to go to any of my work functions so I was attending alone which led to rumors that my marriage was in trouble (yup, it was!). 

I made a horrible choice to have an EA - I should have filed for separation instead at that time.


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## WakeUpWS (Jan 7, 2012)

I was a WS. Yes, an affair is a selfish act and in the end it was "me, me, me"...and there was illness prior to the affair. But, it wasn't consciously the illness that lead to the affair.

I would recommend that for couple who do go through serious illnesses, get marriage counseling afterward...if there is an afterward.

I know that while my wife suffered two years of two different major surgeries....stuff built up. She was angry over her situation. I could do nothing, and what I did do to try to comfort her probably wasn't all I could do, or even done right. Meanwhile, with pain she understandably (now) had some really bad days, which turned into really bad arguments, and left resentments on my side. I wasn't looking at "what's she really going through" but thinking "how dare she treat me like that!" I lacked compassion. I was afraid of losing her (like her Dad lost her mother early in her life) - was I watching biology and heredity repeat itself? 

As more time passed, I too started suffering my own issues...I was not longer looking at a healthy us with healthy eyes...but I developed a very hurt, childish mentality...one that was trying to make the immature 'me' feel better.

It's more complex than that but I know in my case, there was a lot of crud not dealt with. Not just because of the illness, but past resentments, my upbringing, my health that lead me to disregard my wife's needs and I made some really poor decisions as a result.

We are now almost two years past d-day, and we're doing okay. She's having trouble again but I have learned a lot about myself since. I will not repeat those poor decisions.

To the OP, yes you're right, I too have noticed a trend in this. To that I say: In sickness and in health.

Thank God my wife believes in that even after hurting her so badly.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My WH suffered major cardiac illness and depression prior to his EAs. He was and is totally self-absorbed to this day. Perhaps the idea of facing his mortality was another way for him to justify his selfishness. The thing is, he's still alive and I'm the one that got hurt.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

tswco,

i to went through a difficult health situation while my husband had his affair, the woman he had his affair was also aware of my illness.
seems unbelievable doesnt it, i still cant undstand it either. i have asked my wayward husband and he has indicated he was so seduced by the attention his ow was giving him he justified it somehow minimizing my illness his ability to be so heartless and unloving.
i remember sitting in a hospital alone the friday before xmas
having a complete body scan and he was at his office party, i had asked him to go with me.
but she was a work. it was like he couldnt live in the real world just his fantasy, he now cries everytime i have a doctor's appt he knows how much he has let me down.
he had convinced himself we were over and he didnt have to care or be responsible for me, he had been together for 21years and he had only had his girlfriend in his life for 3 months.
affairs are difficult enough and just add to thefear and stress of an illness.
sometimes i dont understand how he sleeps at night, when exposure happened and everyone knew what he was up to while they were tryingto support me all hell broke lose, reality hit him square in the face, it still does, i have a long term illness and something that will always be a trigger for both of us.
he couldnt be more supportive now im thin lost my hair and he does make me feel beautiful and he now drops everything if i even winse.
i think he felt like he didnt know what to do was scared and i think his co-worker played him, she kept talking about the better life she had figured out to get and how she deserved it. 
i couldnt fight for my marriage i hardly noticed anything was a miss i was busy trying to feel better.
affairs are affairs and they thrive on lies and deceit. whether anyone is sick or not once they are intrenched in the affair they cant even act or think like a normal compassionate person, they no longer are your husband they are someone elses boyfriend.
i hope your husband has come to his senses keep your boundaries high and make sure above all else you look after yourself first.
you like me dont have time to waste, your husband my husband will have to be accountable by someone greater than us and that will be their problem then.
ive learned to be control of only myself and i dont intend to waste any more of my life on my husbands affair, i wont ever trust him again and the only thing i do know is he will make choices that dont have my best intetests at heart. 
affairs change what was and changes the rules. 
my new. priority list is 
god 
myself 
my marriage
my kids and then everyone else.
i dont do anything i dont want to do anymore even if it disappoints him. he can join me if not i make my day a happy one looking after me.
i dont know if it happens a lot that illness plays a role when affairs are happening simutaneously. 
all i know is hurts a lot more it creates a new set of issues in a marriage trying to recover.
affairs just are so selfish its an evil part of life, im glad i dont have to live what my husband lives with everyday he tells me he feels uncomfortable everywhere we go because everyone knows what he did.
when our friends show concern for me he breaks out into a sweat. 
he saves i saved his life giving me another chance.
the sick saving the healthy doesnt seem right but life has no guarantees.
take care my friend


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> My guess is that it varies. In my marriage, it was a decline over several years.
> 
> BH had 3 back surgeries, finally resulting in permanent disability. He withdrew from our marriage, stayed in his man cave for most of the day and sometimes all night. He started talking to his 'female' friends more than we spoke. I asked if we could go to counseling but he didn't see any need. He lost his best friend (best friend since they were 4 years old) and we lost two other friends within a year and he spiraled even further into depression.
> 
> ...


Wow! TCS -- Good to hear that side. I wish my husband had been asking me to go to counseling. I was constantly asking him to go. Saying that I felt like we were roomates, no connection. The only time we'd go out was with other people. Never any alone time. He said it was our "stage in life". Yeah, well he was focused on her at work, the escape. It sounds like your H was having his own EA(s) by avoiding you. Still, your situation is a classic example of how the disconnect can create fertile ground for an affair (not cause it, but create a ripe atmosphere.) Btw I always enjoy your posts....


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> My WH suffered major cardiac illness and depression prior to his EAs. He was and is totally self-absorbed to this day. Perhaps the idea of facing his mortality was another way for him to justify his selfishness. The thing is, he's still alive and I'm the one that got hurt.


Ugh. So sorry!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Wow! TCS -- Good to hear that side. I wish my husband had been asking me to go to counseling. I was constantly asking him to go. Saying that I felt like we were roomates, no connection. The only time we'd go out was with other people. Never any alone time. He said it was our "stage in life". Yeah, well he was focused on her at work, the escape. It sounds like your H was having his own EA(s) by avoiding you. Still, your situation is a classic example of how the disconnect can create fertile ground for an affair (not cause it, but create a ripe atmosphere.) Btw I always enjoy your posts....


Ouch - you were saying the exact same thing I was. Honestly, BH has been really open and has said he knows he had emotionally abandoned me (his words) and shut me out. We both had issues with boundaries. I don't think he had any sexual content in his conversations but definitely was investing more time and attention to other women as an escape. He even bought a web cam to talk to the one woman to 'help her study for her EMT exam'. I walked in to his man cave while they were chatting and was floored. Really? I can't get your attention for 10 minutes but you have time for this? 

When we finally started talking about this and I asked why he didn't take me seriously all that time, he just thought that I'd always be there, no matter what. It's crushing to know that I've destroyed that trust.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

prior to this affair, I had been telling my hubs that we need to reconnect, that we are more like roomates than husband and wife. That I felt like I lost who I was and wanted to get back to my happy, cheery, outgoing, full of life self. I felt like he had drained me....and he was the one who had the affair. He kept telling me that we were fine and just going through the same stuff that all couples do. So we cntinued life, cought a new house, nex car, new furniture, thenmy brother took a turn for the worse. I was on the phone with him as muc as possible, sad and crying a lot because I knew it was just a matter of time, and opportunity/ho presented herself via FB PM and he forgot ll about me and my/our problems and focused on feeling good and tuning out the bad/harsh realities called life.

If I could, I would warn everyone to stay aware of their spouse during times of crisis. Some just can't handle it and find the wrong ways to deal with it. Others are fine, and others stay committed. One of my thoughts while going through this was - what is he going to do if my dad passes in the next couple of years (health not so good) and I have to focus on my mother? Scary and sad.

At least (even though it doesn't help), my husband told me that he should have been with me when my brother passed. He acknowledged that. I told him that we will never seperate for any length of time ever again and he agreed.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> prior to this affair, I had been telling my hubs that we need to reconnect, that we are more like roomates than husband and wife. That I felt like I lost who I was and wanted to get back to my happy, cheery, outgoing, full of life self. I felt like he had drained me....and he was the one who had the affair. He kept telling me that we were fine and just going through the same stuff that all couples do. So we cntinued life, cought a new house, nex car, new furniture, thenmy brother took a turn for the worse. I was on the phone with him as muc as possible, sad and crying a lot because I knew it was just a matter of time, and opportunity/ho presented herself via FB PM and he forgot ll about me and my/our problems and focused on feeling good and tuning out the bad/harsh realities called life.
> 
> If I could, I would warn everyone to stay aware of their spouse during times of crisis. Some just can't handle it and find the wrong ways to deal with it. Others are fine, and others stay committed. One of my thoughts while going through this was - what is he going to do if my dad passes in the next couple of years (health not so good) and I have to focus on my mother? Scary and sad.
> 
> At least (even though it doesn't help), my husband told me that he should have been with me when my brother passed. He acknowledged that. I told him that we will never seperate for any length of time ever again and he agreed.


It IS hard - if you're already having issues when a crisis occurs, it just compounds. 

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine going through those losses alone and I'm sure that a betrayal was the last thing you expected on top of that. 

For us - it has definitely improved how we communicate about where we're at in the relationship. We are definitely committed to keeping that in place.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I was floored and a part of me could not believe it was happening. I just buried my brother and returned home. 2 things - once while he was having his EA before I left I said to him - "If you didn't love hockey so much, I would think you were having an affair". I don't even remember what his response was, but he was complaining about work so much, played hockey whenever he could, drinking A LOT of beer, and staying up later than me at night to watch and play hockey online - um - right. He would post on FB how much he was looking forward to hockey to escape the bad part of his day or something to that effect - that hockey made him forget everything......needless to say, it is still a bit of a trigger for me to go and support him when he plays, at first I would look at him out there and call him an a$$-o under my breath and wonder what I was doing there. Now that we are better, I am better, and he switched teams, so for whatever reason, that seemed to help - maybe just changing things up a bit helps to lesson what would normally be a big trigger. 

Honestly, I can't remember what the second thing was that I was going to say - all I can hear is the ice cream truck driving through - seriously, in November - just because the kids are out of school?!?!?


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> ....how much he was looking forward to hockey to escape the bad part of his day or something to that effect - that hockey made him forget everything......needless to say, it is still a bit of a trigger for me to go and support him when he plays, at first I would look at him out there and call him an a$$-o under my breath and wonder what I was doing there.


classic!

yeah. well this sun has a hockey playing husband too. OW sent him a text (after DD1 - only she didn't know we had had one) saying "I hope you kicked as* last night". You know cuz she was so cool that way, relating to his love of hockey and sports and all. 

And the achey one was at home.

in any case love the 'a$$' under your breath.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

How ironically funny...and sad for us (hockey) :-( More funny. I am actually in a good mood in spite of the surrounding dates and events. I hope the rest of the week goes as well. Time to get off the computer and tend to my girls. Have a good night all!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> How ironically funny...and sad for us (hockey) :-( More funny. I am actually in a good mood in spite of the surrounding dates and events. I hope the rest of the week goes as well. Time to get off the computer and tend to my girls. Have a good night all!


So great to hear about the good mood...amazing after what you went through. And I can't imagine what that must've been like with your brother. Talk about betrayal. That is some enormous forgiveness on your part...and sounds like he's working at the heavy lifting? 

(Really, this is the part that I don't get -- taking off while your spouse's brother is dying. txt'ing the ow from the hospital while your child is in the room next door. too busy to go the doctor with your wife but you can take the ow to lunch after hearing about your wife's appointment "uh-huh, uh-huh. i'm headed out to get some lunch i' haven't been out all day." cheating on your husband during his death's door illness. leaving for a rendezvous with your lover while your husband takes care of your ailing child.... these are just some of the stories on this site. It just seems like some kind of enormous compartmentalization to get through that. 

honestly, it's like it's own category of mental illness. so selfish. so callous. Thank God that some come out of it and see the profundity of the betrayal. But what does it take for it to smack 'em clearly upside the head?

I have so much respect for the fws-es on this site who are here trying to help others with their stories of betrayal and attempts at reconcilliation and heavy lifting. honestly.


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