# Hello all....



## KoalaBunny (2 mo ago)

Hello everyone. I am new here. I have been married for 11 years. I have been with my husband for 22 years. We have 1 child together. I have always been a hopeless romantic, but here more lately than not, I am realizing how much of a nightmare of a marriage I am in. 

I am not abused or cheated on. I can thank my lucky stars on that. 

I am undervalued, emotionally manipulated, and gaslighted though. I always wanted to get married and have a family. That has been super important to me. I told myself I would only do it once. If we had issues, there would be counseling. Divorce was not option. I was wrong in that. Apparently counseling only works if both parties are involved and want to go (i.e. both parties see there is something wrong and wants to fix it, not just one "imagining" things). I married for love. My Mom always told me I could do better if I chose financial security and not love, but I ignored her. I chose love. 

My husband no longer initiates any loving. He asks. He doesn't act romantic about it. He no longer plans dates or does little surprises. That is on me if I want to have that. I have to plan it.

He spends most of his off time with his hobbies or friends. We can be in the house when he is home, but it is always in separate rooms because he likes to "do his own thing".

Most people love him and he is very laid back with other people. He isn't patient with me. Sometimes he comes off as very narcassistic when it is just us. He can do no wrong. Never around anyone else though. 

Despite all of this, I still love him and I want this to work. I am terrified to do this life on my own. All I have ever known is him.

I feel like I am worthless at this point. I know I have my faults, but I am not the only one that does. I spend a lot of time thinking of my regrets. Would I have been happier on another path with someone else? Many times I find myself fantasizing about how things would have turned out differently if I had chosen someone else.

I also feel like I am at an age (37) where most of my beauty is gone and I wouldn't stand a chance anyways. 

More than anything, I just want my husband back. The man I fell in love with. The one that wanted me to be happy and would do anything to spend time with me and be with me. 

I feel this may never happen though and I am destined to be in a loveless marriage.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

KoalaBunny said:


> Hello everyone. I am new here. I have been married for 11 years. I have been with my husband for 22 years. We have 1 child together. I have always been a hopeless romantic, but here more lately than not, I am realizing how much of a nightmare of a marriage I am in.
> 
> I am not abused or cheated on. I can thank my lucky stars on that.
> 
> ...


@KoalaBunny Welcome to TAM. I'm sorry you are here with these kinds of issues in your marriage. It certainly seems like you are trying everything to make it work, but you are correct when you say it takes two. It takes 2 to make a marriage work but only 1 to destroy it.

Do you have any influence with his friends or family that might be able to help you?

Have you had very hard and direct talks about how serious these problems are? If so how did he respond?

I hope the best for you, but in the end, if he does not meet you halfway, you will need to make some tough decisions: Live like this or end this loveless existence.

This is the most incorrect thing you said:
"_I also feel like I am at an age (37) where most of my beauty is gone and I wouldn't stand a chance anyways._"

Don't underestimate your own potential. Many many quality guys out there recognize a beautiful person when they see one.


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## KoalaBunny (2 mo ago)

Thanks for the positivity. I am trying. Honestly though, if it doesn't work, I don't think I will ever want any other relationship again. I have poured my heart and soul into my husband. I come from divorced parents and I honestly didn't want that in my life. I was so careful and didn't even marry until in my twenties. I wanted love and a solid foundation. My marriage is so lonely though. I keep hoping he will realize that I am still here. I have feelings too.

I have no pull with his friends. I don't nag him about it when they hang out. I keep them separate from us. They are his friends, not mine. I have ran the option of counseling by him. No response as expected.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Was there any certain events that you see that might have influenced change in your relationship? Do the two of you continue to have date nights? What is he not bringing to the marriage at this point that you need from him?

Sometimes we each get caught up in things that become more pressing in our lives....work and children but those important interactions end up on the back burner. We feel sometimes that we cannot ask or that we are not heard. It is important to sit and have a conversation that is not confrontational to express what you need in from him.

Have you read the book, "The 5 Love Languages"? There is a test online you both could take which might open the lines of communication on this subject.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

KoalaBunny said:


> I am undervalued, emotionally manipulated, and gaslighted though.


What do you mean about gaslighting?



> Apparently counseling only works if both parties are involved and want to go (i.e. both parties see there is something wrong and wants to fix it, not just one "imagining" things).


Has he said why he's not willing to go? One possibility is that he thinks you will "win" the counseling, ie be more persuasive or insistent to the counselor than he is? Or it could be other reasons?



> Sometimes he comes off as very narcassistic when it is just us. He can do no wrong. Never around anyone else though.


He always feels like you are criticising him, is that it?



> I know I have my faults, but I am not the only one that does.


What do you believe your faults really are? The reason I focus on that is because, you have a chance of changing your own faults. You can't change his. If you want things to be different, you will have to start by changing yourself, even though yes other people also have faults. 



> I spend a lot of time thinking of my regrets. Would I have been happier on another path with someone else? Many times I find myself fantasizing about how things would have turned out differently if I had chosen someone else.


This is a really bad way to think.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

KoalaBunny said:


> I am undervalued, emotionally manipulated, and gaslighted


this is a big charge to make against the man you married , I hate when people use the word gaslighted because it seems to mean different things to everybody , gaslighters love to make promises to people only to deny they ever made them in the first place. It's a classic mind game , 
for what good it is for him i don't see why he would do such thing ,


KoalaBunny said:


> I always wanted to get married and have a family. That has been super important to me. I told myself I would only do it once.


could it be that you made the man fit the dream in so much that you saw him with rose pestle glasses, thinking you could not be full unless you had a man and a family , BIG MISTAKE OFTEN MADE mostly by women ,part of upbringing that is so built into some they can never learn to be happy or love them self ,,,,


KoalaBunny said:


> . Apparently counseling only works if both parties are involved and want to go (i.e. both parties see there is something wrong and wants to fix it, not just one


yes and no depends on the needs and the issues 


KoalaBunny said:


> I married for love. My Mom always told me I could do better if I chose financial security and not love, but I ignored her. I chose love.


I would question this was it love or was it love of a dream and man fitted why did it take 11 years to get to marriage if you loved him so much and if he loved you so much , did he really love you or were you giving him all a wife brings to the table without been a wife and he eventually married you out of it seemed the best thing to do and your were together so long 
your mother was wrong in telling you to get financial security through a man or marriage , this is selling sex for money in a legal way and does not last and make a marriage work it is a contract in the same as the contract in fifty shades of gray without the paperwork 
your mother should have told you to go out and find your own financial security and if you ever find love and happiness for as long as that lasts it is good but you hold on to your financial security in case that love ever comes to an end 
my mother was a woman for many sayings she had one for ever thing but you could use one to contradict the other 
like the one long churning makes bad butter , you two gave 11 years churning 
she used to say better to be an old mans darling than a young mans slave ( she was 9 years younger than her husband I am the same age as my wife but my sister saying is you only get one run at life this is not a practice so make the most of it and don't live in regrets)
but one that i will never forget is " even the longest day comes to an end , or the other it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at t'all with an Irish accent it is even better ,

so what I say to you my dear lady is to re think what your journey has been to bring you to here , and is it the end of a day and if so why not take what you have learned from it and build you next 20 or 40 years may be in a new relationship or may just loving yourself , rediscover yourself and the real plan of your life 

I think your not broken just the way you think about life, love , and mother is not all ways right


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

have you point blank told him you feel lonely & want him to plan dates? Give him simple goals to start like once per month. See if that helps. 

Meanwhile cultivate friends & do what you can to alleviate your loneliness.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Maybe give him the ultimatum...I'm not happy and I feel lonely. I need x , y and z
If you are unable to provide , then offer the nuclear option


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Jimi007 said:


> Maybe give him the ultimatum...I'm not happy and I feel lonely. I need x , y and z
> If you are unable to provide , then offer the nuclear option


Yes, or something like:

Marriage is more than this. I don't feel like this is a marriage, it feels more like you're visiting once in a while.

Then express your needs/requirements directly OP.


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