# Husband left- not sure I care if he comes back.



## LLW (Jan 18, 2016)

Hi all,

I am new here. I have been reading lots of posts but thought I'd seek help for my situation.

I have been with my husband for about 3 years. We recently married. We have a 3 month old daughter. I have 4 children from my 1st marriage as well. 

My husband is very angry. He blows up at least 1 x week. I don't usually know what the cause of the anger is until after he has ranted and raved and thrown things and said something awful. Recently, he has gotten a bit more physical than I would like. He threw something at me about a month ago while I was holding our daughter. Then he popped me in the face with a cloth, leaving a welt, which he continually denies. Just Friday, he grabbed my face out of anger to prevent me from looking away or walking away from him while he was so angry. He doesn't usually accept responsibility for his actions, but, instead, tries to make it my fault. Today he said that his issue was that he feels like I don't care about him anymore. This was after he walked downstairs and got involved in a situation I was dealing with involving my disabled son. He didn't know the circumstances but he came down and slapped my son's hand and yelled at him, though I was handling everything. I tell him all the time not to yell because it doesn't help. 

Earlier this week he got angry because he woke up late and I needed him to go with me somewhere- afterward I had to stop at my child's school for mystery reader, but he was upset because he would have to wait in the parking lot (10 minutes is all of the time we get for mystery reader) so he pitched a fit and I canceled and drove him home instead. He was hateful to me about the whole situation and this lead to him grabbing my face. 

I admit that I am indifferent toward him right now. I don't like him and don't really care if we spend time together. My mother died as a result of domestic violence so deep down I feel like I'm being stupid by staying and giving him any chances. I don't have any financial ties to him. I have a job and can support us all. He is a student and I am putting him through school and supporting him financially. I feel immense guilt for wanting to be free of him because I want to help him accomplish his goals, but I am too stretched to keep this emotional upheaval going. 

I don't know what I should do. I mean I do, but I don't want to do it. 

Help me. 

Thanks for reading.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your husband is abusive. It sounds like he can't handle the stress of so many children including a disabled child. He wants more attention from you that you can give him. He needs to get help for his anger. I wouldn't let him back into the house until he gets help. You need to protect your children and yourself. Stop supporting him, he can get a job and support himself and use that money to support your children.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Yes he is definitely abusive. Please don't feel guilty about cutting off his support. Protect yourself and your kids. You definitely don't want them to grow up thinking men are supposed to act that way and treat women that way.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Do what you know you should. LEAVE. He is dangerous and it will escalate as you slowly fall into a bad case of battered women's syndrome


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others. Your husband is an abusive, violent man. It will only get worse if you stay with him. You need to protect your children and yourself. Either kick him out or you leave with the children. Please see a lawyer to make sure you do this in a way to protect your children and yourself.

If he ever puts a hand on you again, or throws, things, etc. call the police and have him arrested and charged. Get a restraining order so that he only has supervised visitation with your baby.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You already know where this is heading; you watched your mother live and die with domestic violence. Break the cycle or one day it'll be your children living the same nightmare, either as the victim or the perpetrator.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

LLW said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I am new here. I have been reading lots of posts but thought I'd seek help for my situation.
> 
> ...


As someone who was nearly killed by her ex-boyfriend, please, please, please leave this creature for good. The guilt you feel is because you are so broken and beaten down. Because you put his needs and wishes before your own. Because you balance on a tightrope and walk on eggshells around him. Because you have convinced yourself that if you only did x,y and z, he would be different. He won't.......EVER. He will only escalate his violence. Trust me on this. Please don't think this guy is different. An abuser is an abuser and they ONLY GET WORSE. If you stay, you will become a shell of your former self, if you aren't hospitalized or dead. Get out now, protect your children and remove this parasite from your life!


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Are you friggin' kidding me? Leave this beast. NOW. And yes, it IS easy for me to say. I have to deal with ZERO reprocussions from my advice. You have to do all of the heavy lifting, not me.

Hold on, we've got another cheating wife on the run in "coping". C-YA!



LLW said:


> We have a 3 month old daughter.


Oh, right. This is real. We may want to actually think about it and give real world advice. You not only have to deal with this monster for the rest of your life, but this abuser will take a lot of responsibility raising your daughter. I hope THAT goes OK. I mean, he would never hurt HER, anyhow. And she probably won't even notice that he's treating the new girlfriends any differently. She'll just see that it's the way men act. So when she get's married she'll see all men are like that and not have a problem saying "I DO" to a man just like Daddy.

But who am I to say. I guess as long as he is TOTALLY out of your life on those four days a week you get her, you may be able to counter his influence, so I GUESS she'll be OK.




LLW said:


> He doesn't usually accept responsibility for his actions, but, instead, tries to make it my fault. *Today he said that his issue was that he feels like I don't care about him anymore.*



He has no idea. Neither do you. You are in the drivers seat here. I am also going to give you advice to leave him. You are too far gone. He doesn't know it. Looks like you may not either.

When you leave him, give him no warnings (he won't hear them anyhow)., Let him think he is in the drivers seat until he see's that carefully crafted, lawyer assisted letter with divorce papers attached. It WLL be a kick in the gut. It WILL wake him up. It WILL have him begging you to take him back. 

It WILL be the beginnings of fixing a man you cannot just eject from your life. 




LLW said:


> I feel immense guilt for wanting to be free of him because I want to help him accomplish his goals


You want to help him? Crash his world today!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His only goals at present seem to be to make you miserable and your kids to boot. Why do you think he married you? A sugar mama who puts up with physical abuse is hard to find. Do yourself and your children a favor and get him out of your lives.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

LLW said:


> He is a student and I am putting him through school and supporting him financially. I feel immense guilt for wanting to be free of him because I want to help him accomplish his goals, but I am too stretched to keep this emotional upheaval going.


Hi, while the author's focus of her blog is infidelity, I think the entry below is worth reading. You are married to an abuser. I know, I had a former long-term BF who was, too. And I wanted to help him; that's why I stayed so long. I knew something wasn't right and I too, felt guilty about abandoning him. I thought I could help him. WRONG. His problems are far bigger than I can tackle and it's the same situation with you. Although my former BF had a myriad of odd jobs, he could never maintain one and I too, ended up supporting him financially. It never got better, just worse. I finally left after 12 years because he became a huge liability to me and, well, I was in fear for my life if I stayed with him. Things never decreased or got better-they always escalated. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it's true. I think you should plan an exit strategy and leave. Does anything in this blog entry ring true with you? 

Dear Chump Lady, I need to be needed - ChumpLady.com


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Do yourself and your children a favor and get him out of your lives.


She can't do that. Even if she wanted to. How about some REAL advice. What does she do when she has to turn her INFANT daughter over to this monster? How will she deal with that?

Give her advice. Not just "leave him". She GETS that. How does she THEN start dealing with him? How does she THEN start handing her daughter over to him every other weekend?

But that's right... SO many threads, so little time.

I gave my advice. She can't "just leave". She needs to deal with him in one capacity or another FOREVER. She needs to fix him. She WANTS to fix him. The immense consequences of his actions WILL crush his world. Of that I have almost NO DOUBT. He does not know how far you are gone. Of that I have almost no doubt. You can get him out of your life AND make him a better person. He WILL be the second biggest influence on your daughters life, for at LEAST the next 16 years or so.

Just leave NO DOUBT...

A - That you're leaving forever, and
B - He knows exactly why.

At least we all agree it will start with leaving. If it ends with leaving, you will have problems with him for the rest of your life.




Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Macho, my advice is as real as yours. Where are your instructions as to what to do after she leaves? Nowhere - that's where. It is premature for step by step instructions as first she has to deal with the outcome of him wanting to return, then the outcome of possibly leaving.

Right now, she's in the phase of wanting to help him. She has no obligation to help him. Her obligations are to her children.

She has no obligation to 'fix' him. Not that she could anyway. 

Why do you insist that it's the woman's responsibility to 'fix' their errant husband? As you so insist that talking does nothing because men are apparently deaf, dumb and blind and want to remain so? The guy is an ass because he wants to be one. So leave him alone to be the biggest, bestest ass that he wants to be.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your H is physically abusive and, at best, is borderline psychotic! Your marriage has denegrated to the point that even you don't want to be in his physical presence!

Having said that, you need to get to your family lawyer's office post haste, to explore your legal options, in addition to offering you much needed advice for the assurance of both you and your child's personal safety! Life was never ever meant to be lived in this way!

Make plans to get out before something tragic happens! You don't deserve any part of this!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's the decision that's the most important factor. Nothing ever happens until a decision is made. When you're focused on making excuses, you're not making decisions.

It's the difference between:

I can't do this because of 'this' and 'that' and

I'm going to do this and I'm going to figure out how to deal with 'this' and 'that'

Edited to add: This is what many here instinctively understand. You can talk to someone until you're blue in the face; give them a well laid out plan for escape, but if they haven't made that decision, which the OP clearly has not, it's pointless. If she had reached the point of saying, "I'm leaving", the blockades would merely be speed bumps.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I don't have any financial ties to him. I have a job and can support us all. He is a student and I am putting him through school and supporting him financially. I feel immense guilt for wanting to be free of him because I want to help him accomplish his goals, but I am too stretched to keep this emotional upheaval going.


Good for you being in the position to leave this guy. 

You don't need to feel guilt. Your responsibility is to your children and yourself...not to him unless he's being a partner to you.

You have zero obligation to be with or financial support someone who's ranting, raving and putting his hand on you. And more importantly, it sounds like its escalating and you don't want your kids exposed to this.

I wish you the very best of luck getting away from this guy. I'm truly hope you're able to get some parental help from him and that he's able to be a good dad to his child. Best wishes!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Ok. I have a good idea why he is acting how he does and what you're trying to do.

But. It's time to call it quits.
He's not in a place where he is capable of changing that behaviour, and you're not in a position to change yourself to fix things for him.

He would be a _lot_ better of in a flat with other students, with similar needs and regular visits with the children. Then he can concentrate on his needs and getting his house in order, without blowing up, and without needing interaction with you which you can't give to him.

I don't know how you have a large family and also have enough income yourself to pay for them all, and give everyone their needed time and attention. But however you think you can manage it, you can't do that and give your male partner what he needs.

Part while things are mostly amicable, otherwise you ignoring his points will continue to frustrate him and make the reactions worse.


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