# How Did You End Your EA with the OP? (for flower and Iam)



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Iamnottheonlyone said:


> Flower,
> 
> You are a special person. You have your head screwed on straight. You have been to hell and back. You truly have insight to your soul (and other"s). How did you pull out of this relationship? Is it too soon to ask? Did you recognize how much you were losing? Can you put it into words so that maybe I can get some insight as to how my wife is thinking. You are on the road to recovery. My wife is still tearing a path of destruction and missing her friends and life's joys while claiming she has never been happier. How did you reconcile the pleasure and pain?


This was such a good topic that I didn't want it to be lost in the middle of our Tanelornpete and Affaircare thread. 

Sooooo...disloyal spouses out there: how did you end your EA? Where was your head at? How did you get through withdrawal? How did you reconcile the pleasure and pain?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Sorry this took so long, I have had to compose this over a few days to make sure I covered everything. Hope this helps answer your questions:

Thanks for the complements Iam..I hope I do have my head screwed on right now, as I didn’t when I was in the middle of this affair mess..and it WAS MESSY! Your wife is not able to see herself out of it right now, and see how unhealthy this is for her. It has taken me the whole time off of work, away from the OM to now see with clarity how messed up I was, and how distorted my thinking really was.What was I thinking?I am still not over it completely, and think of him daily,and miss talking to him. But I have not given in to temptation to contact him…that is the choice I have made, and affairs are a series of little decisions, and choices we make that often lead to a full blown, physical affair if the realization is not made soon enough, as in my case. Our marriage councillor said he has seen unfaithful partners lose everything because of an affair, and not having the ability to end it to save their marriage. Most people in the midst of an affair are not able to see clearly what they are involved in and it consumes all of their right judgement. It is not reality, it is an illusion of something better, an escape, it feels good and exciting. If your wife has been involved with this OM for a length of time, my guess is pretty soon this OM is going to start showing his not so perfect side, as we all have out negative points, and that whole thing won’t seem so alluring and seductive. It is an addiction, and your wife is hooked on the excitement she feels when with this OM. What is he giving her that you haven’t been? Attention, Love, a listening ear, complements? Not to say this affair is YOUR fault, but lets face it, they often do happen because of needs not being met by the other spouse (in my case this is true) but it has also made me and my HB really look at where we are in our marriage, and see that we were heading for divorce (even before this affair), and both don’t want that. We have 3 kids, and owe it to them to try everything we can to get through this.

As for how did I pull put of the other relationship?

I made the decision to take a leave from work for 7 weeks, I told the OM I was leaving to work on my marriage and that I can’t do that if I have to see him all the time. I asked him not to contact me and he has respected that. This was a difficult decision for me, as I felt a sadness that I wouldn’t see him, or talk to him during this time, but I knew I could not work on my marriage if my head was not in the right place.

Next, I am going to compose an email stating that it is over, and tell him, when I return to work he is not to be anything but professional with me. I will also state if he can not comply, I will have to go to my supervisor. I would hate to have to do that, and hope it won’t come to that. As I said, this does not come easily, I still have feelings toward this OM, and that doesn’t just disappear, but I am doing what must be done-the right thing, and am removing myself from that relationship.

In the end, I realize that I will never find what I have in my husband in another man, and no other man can be the father to my children. I only have one shot at that-and I will not walk away from that until I have done absolutely everything in my power to save this marriage. I don’t want to have to explain to my children one day, that ‘Mommy had an affair and left Daddy for another Man.’
If down the road, we do part, we can do so knowing we did all we could to keep our children’s parents together. Fulfilling a deep need in me to be desired by someone outside of my marriage will not solve any problems, and creates a whole pile of new ones. More than you could imagine. When I was getting in too deep with this OM, it got to the point where we were talking about getting together if our marriages failed, I know it had gone too far. Now I must deal with the repercussions of my decisions and actions and take responsibility for them. As hard as it has been, I am grateful to the OM for making me see what I was missing in my marriage. It had made my HB wake up in a whole new way, and make some changes within himself to be a better partner, and we are growing together. What the future holds is uncertain, but I intend to take it day by day and heal from this, and become a better, stronger person. Hope this helps all of you out there immersed in the pain of an affair. Hold strong~


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

^^^^^^^
Good for you!!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Thank you for sharing that. I hope and pray you stay strong. If for any reason you need support, don't hesitate to come here for it. 
The day I confronted my wife, she told our son. I still can't believe she did that. She was completely lost in the fog.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Thank you for sharing 

How long did your affair last until you realized you wanted to recommit to your marriage.

Thanks again
JAR


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

jar said:


> Thank you for sharing
> 
> How long did your affair last until you realized you wanted to recommit to your marriage.
> 
> ...


My affair started innocently and very slowly over a 7 month period. It was about 2 months of knowing what I was involved in and it intensified quite a bit during this period. So, not very long, which is a good thing. It should make it easier to cut a clean break-even though I will still be working with him.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Thank you for sharing that. I hope and pray you stay strong. If for any reason you need support, don't hesitate to come here for it.
> The day I confronted my wife, she told our son. I still can't believe she did that. She was completely lost in the fog.


Yes, I agree. She was not thinking straight. I did not tell the kids anything; although my 12 y/o heard us one night ( we though he was asleep) arguing of the 'affair' and he got quite upset over it. I am not sure he even knows the meaning, but new it was very bad. Kids should NEVER be put in the middle of adult matters. I am a firm believer in that.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

C'mon people...there has to be more of you out there with some insight! I can't be the only one who came to my senses to end it can I?
Lets hear your stories!!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

At the 4th party I went ot yesterday ther was a couple who just got back together. W had the affair. I didn't get to talk to them. Next time I see her I will ask.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Flowergirl, 

I was a disloyal spouse myself. To be completely honest I'm entirely embarrassed to even have to remember it, much less bare my soul and write about it in public!  So yeah there are more here than just you who came to their senses and ended it. I'm here!

Anyway I have a partial day off today and I'm writing it up this afternoon!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Thank you AC!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Soooooooo...how did I end the EA with the OP huh? 

I agree entirely with Flower that while a person is in the midst of their affair, they are not themselves. As an example, look at me. I am a very honest, moral, upright, optimistic kind of person and I always have been; that's my true character. For those who have known me a long, long time I bet they'd say "Yep that's her!" Well there I was, in my body, but the person acting in the affair was entirely different from the person I was...and the person I am now. See why I say it's like an Evil Twin? 

Anyway, here's what happened. 

I am not my Dear Hubby's first wife and in a way being a second wife has it's own whole set if issues. Thus, when I say "Getting a divorce doesn't SOLVE problems, it just adds to them" I know what I'm talking about! In our instance, both my Dear Hubby and I have walkaway exes, and in a fairly short time I became the stepmom of some kids with all the responsibility of providing for them without any of the support and benefits of actually BEING their mom. I resented doing his ex's work (Love Extinguishers) and she got the benefits (like holidays and tax breaks), but when I'd talk to him about enforcing the parenting plan it became more Love Extinguishers. I'd ask "please don't share this or that private info" and he would...or "please stand on my side with me if I assign a task for (kid)" and he'd stand with the kids against me (Love Extinguishers). So lots of resentment basically was building, and it wasn't being resolved but sort of ignored and swept under the rug. In addition Dear Hubby has some health problems and I was hitting the age of starting menopause, and to be honest I feel very lively and active still whereas he is less active (due to both aging and the health issue)--and to be very blunt what I thought was: "I am not ready to be old yet. I'm not old. I still have plenty of vim and vigor and pep in me and I want to still rock the house now and then!" Our sex life was getting slower and slower, and that felt like such a rejection to me because I'm one of the few females who actually LIKES sex. Finally, you'll laugh but there is a certain game that Dear Hubby enjoys that I do too, but he is highly into it even to the point of doing math formulas to be better at it--and I look at it as an enjoyable pastime. He will play, play long, play hard, and it's the intensity of Heavy Metal--I will play, play a little-pause-play a little-pause, and the intensity is more like a song by Jimmy Buffett. :rofl: So playing with him was SUPER exhausting, and if I didn't play I felt like I had to set myself on fire to get his attention. 

Soooooo....can you see all the Love Extinguishers piling up? And I'll be the first to tell you a) there was some mid-life crisis in there, and b) this is purely my side and I know I was/am not perfect, and c) all along these were things we could have and should have FACED and worked through...but instead we didn't want to talk about it, and we chose to ignore the elephant in the room or pretend it wasn't there. See what "ignoring it" can get you? Be brave and ADDRESS IT! Anyway, this is just the way it felt to me as a wife so you folks can get maybe a hint or a clue what happened in your disloyal spouse's head. 

After a certain time of feeling basically like a neglected, taken advantage of, paycheck for people who didn't even appreciate it...I got a bit jaded. Okay...PRETTY JADED. I figured if Dear Hubby loved that game so much I'd just find something I liked that much, and I started another game that was like a political game. I HATED the backstabbing politics part (as that kind of dishonesty really isn't me I swear to God!), but I really loved two parts of the game: 1) I did forum admin and built several forums on different forum softwares (proBoards, php, and invisionfree--if anyone know what those are), and 2) I did a lot of "legal work" writing constitutions for people, reading their code of law and making suggestions, etc. That stuff I LOVED and so I did that a lot. I also tried different kinds of political systems from dictatorship to basically no government and that was a little fun to see how that turned out. 

Anyway, I am the kind of person who can get hyper-focused and sort of tunnel-visioned when I'm interested in something, so I got into this game and had several projects going and would try to involve Dear Hubby by having him read my constitutions for example, but he didn't seem too interested. Meanwhile, other guys in the game would read my constitutions and RAVE about them, or say I did amazing legal work, or the forum I built was beautiful! They were of course because I even did custom buttons and smilies just for their theme  But pretty soon I was enjoying the game because I was really SOMEBODY there and appreciated, whereas here at home I felt like ... sort of invisible. 

Then along came the OM. First, he picked a signature quote that almost no one would have recognized, but it was one I both knew and admired. So right away I thought, "Oh wow someone who knows of Firefly!" Next, I really was not at all looking for anything but playing, but for some reason still not known to me exactly, he just picked me and was ... WOW. He sent nice little romantic notes, poems, roses, or things all day long every day. I mean ... WOW. That made my eyes go  because I was so darn surprised! ME? No really...ME?? Then again, I have to be honest, I loved it. YAY! Someone sees me! 

After that I was curious and yes of course my interest was piqued. WHO IS THIS PERSON? So I asked questions and we talked and talked. And when I showed him my constitutions he not only thought they were very good, he took the time to actually read them and give me constructive thoughts and would sometimes write with me. Then we started doing projects together--he had an even better imagination that I did and was no doubt one of the smartest people I'd ever met. 

Now I'm not going to go on and on because that's not very thoughtful of Dear Hubby's feelings is it? But you can get the drift I'm sure and can see how I slipped down that slippery slope. And me--I *KNOW *about these things! *I KNOW BETTER!* This is why I rarely act judgmental or self-righteous with any disloyal person. I've been cheated on and I know that pain worse than any other...but I've also cheated and I knew better, and trust me if I can do it, anyone can in the right circumstances.

So back to the story. Yes, some part of me knew this was wrong, but I really argued with that part of me. I LIKED how it felt to be someone and noticed, and I didn't want to end that so I made things up: I was working on something--I was staying up late to write stuff--I closed my screen because it's my project, etc--and the whole time I pretty much liked it so much that I didn't really think much about the family or what Dear Hubby thought or felt. When I did it was almost dismissed like: "Well they didn't care about me so why should I care?" And it ended when Dear Hubby wrote to the OM and said, "Hello I'm her husband and I want you to know I don't intend to just sit back and let go of my marriage. We made a vow and I intend to stick with her!" 

My OM basically said, "Hey I didn't want complications" and Dear Hubby's letter was a good way to kill the affair. After that, I felt like I'd been caught nude in public. It was so darn embarrassing! It's still really humiliating to be honest because I did know better and still I let it go so far. But it was also a really good, clear wake up call to both of us that things were NOT GOOD and could not continue as they were. And knowing what I know, I actually just one day made the decision to do what I knew to do. 

So we sat down together and cried a lot and came to some realizations. We *had* to change some things because really neither of us wanted to leave the marriage. We actually went through the same stuff we tell you guys to do. The day I decided, I never again contacted the OM. Oh the first week or so I thought about him a lot and it felt like there was a lot missing from my life...but I decided every time I thought of him I would stop myself and say out loud one thing I loved about Dear Hubby. At first the list was short-ish  but it grew over time as I trained my mind to stop thinking of OM and start thinking positives about Dear Hubby. Also we really did do the questionnaires and personality tests and Love Language stuff too. We did about one a week and would spend the whole week going over the answers, studying the results, looking into deeper meanings, and then practicing the new stuff. For example, I learned that Dear Hubby's love language was Acts of Service (which means NADA to me) so if I want him to know that I love him, I say "Let me do that for you!" I don't do it for him and then Scorekeep (one of my personal Love Extinguishers)--I do it because that would mean "I love you" to him in his language. 

For practicalities, I actually DELETED deleted all the extra, secret email addresses, Facebook page, and chats--and we sit so that our computer screens are in view of one another. I can see what he's doing and he can see what I'm doing AND I LET HIM. Yep at first it felt a little intrusive, like I was a baby and he was being controlling, but I thought of it as the price I had to pay for being dishonest and dealt with it. Now I have 3 emails: one for business, one for personal, and one for "spam" and Dear Hubby not only has access but sees everything I type in each one. Same for Facebook. I don't even chat with people...ever. Just don't do it!  We do things together (like working here) and if one or the other gets tired or isn't into it, we agree to "continue for X amount of time" or "end it and do Y." 

Sooooooooooo...hmmmm... any questions?


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Flower and affaircare

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It must not be easy to share something like this with the world. It gives me some hope that things could turn around with my situation. I guess the question I have for you both is about your spouses. How did they handle things? Did they jump on board and start working on a Plan A or B…Carrot and Stick etc…Did they do the things that the books recommend doing when a spouses is having an affair? 

Thank you
JAR


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Flowergirl,
> 
> I was a disloyal spouse myself. To be completely honest I'm entirely embarrassed to even have to remember it, much less bare my soul and write about it in public!  So yeah there are more here than just you who came to their senses and ended it. I'm here!
> 
> Anyway I have a partial day off today and I'm writing it up this afternoon!



Looking forward to reading your story!


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

jar said:


> Flower and affaircare
> 
> Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It must not be easy to share something like this with the world. It gives me some hope that things could turn around with my situation. I guess the question I have for you both is about your spouses. How did they handle things? Did they jump on board and start working on a Plan A or B…Carrot and Stick etc…Did they do the things that the books recommend doing when a spouses is having an affair?
> 
> ...


JAR

My HB did a complete 180 when i told him what was going on...he started going to councelling to work on himself, is reading up on marriage repair, and working on his childhood issues that lead him to be an emotionally abusive, distant spouse. Once he realized what he has really been doing to me and our marriage all these years, by not wanting to look at HIS crap-he broke down, and has been 7 weeks now, the man I fell in love with. If he had of lashed out, gotten angry, treated me horribly, begged, pleaded etc..I think I would have been gone for sure. He has given me space to deal with my issues, and we are taking it one step at a time, with no expectations of the outcome. So, b/c I saw him displaying a confident, strong position-he said he was going to continue the work on himself weather I leave or not-also that he is doing it for himself b/c he cheated himself by not being the Man he wants to be, it has given me some security. I did however doubt these changes would last, and feared him going back to his old ways-so I haven't let myself completely back into it again. There is a part of me that is holding back. Sometimes I think it is b/c I have unfinished business with the OM...depends on the day.
Our motto: One day at a time.....


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Soooooooo...how did I end the EA with the OP huh?
> 
> I agree entirely with Flower that while a person is in the midst of their affair, they are not themselves. As an example, look at me. I am a very honest, moral, upright, optimistic kind of person and I always have been; that's my true character. For those who have known me a long, long time I bet they'd say "Yep that's her!" Well there I was, in my body, but the person acting in the affair was entirely different from the person I was...and the person I am now. See why I say it's like an Evil Twin?
> 
> ...


My question:
I am going to be working with the OM which is going to be complicated. I am sure you read my story about taking a leave from work to screw my head back on straight.
But the reality is I am not willing to give up my job *yet* for various reasons-but am going to have to separate myself from getting *sucked back into him*. I can predict he will want to pickup where we left off so to speak, and I have to hold strong my resolve to not go there. He is VERY persistent, and has ignored my wishy washy We shouldn't be doing this type of comments. I have also told him I would not cheat on my HB, and that I am doing everything I can to work on my MG (before I left work we had a talk) I have not communicated w/ him since that night, and he has respected my wishes that he not text me at all while I am gone...so how do I safely get myself back into a *working relationship* when I deep down know I am going to be dealing with heart palpitations on my first day back.What should I do, and how should I conduct myself so that he leaves me alone at work..suggestions please!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I am going to suggest putting some real structure in place to prevent your husband's backsliding. I don't know what to do but I think you can come up with a plan that will make you comfortable. JAR and I might have talked about this few weeks back. It is like paying your monthly bill. The mortgage company sends you a remimder. You write a check and mail the check out. You might forget if you never got the remimder. The consequences of missing a payment can be devastating. Why can't we plan refreshers/reminders for our marriage. A damaged marriage is way scarier then a missed mortgage payment.
As to your second post:
If you expect heart palpatations then you can not go back to work. Your situation is far to dangerous. I can't recall, but did you talk to your boss about this? If not then you should. And your boss should talk to the OM. You need a "firewall". I think your boss would be a great help. Still, Harley says don't go back. No contact means no contact. You are playing with fire.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> I am going to suggest putting some real structure in place to prevent your husband's backsliding. I don't know what to do but I think you can come up with a plan that will make you comfortable. JAR and I might have talked about this few weeks back. It is like paying your monthly bill. The mortgage company sends you a remimder. You right a check and mail the check out. You might forget if you never got the remimder. The consequences of missing a payment can be devastating. Why can't we plan refreshers/reminders for our marriage. A damaged marriage is way acrier then a missed mortgage payment.


Yes I agree..there have been a few minor slip ups and I have called him on it, and remind him that each time he pulls his old *crap* that I am put 2 steps back which he knows is not good!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jar said:


> Flower and affaircare
> 
> Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It must not be easy to share something like this with the world. It gives me some hope that things could turn around with my situation. I guess the question I have for you both is about your spouses. How did they handle things? Did they jump on board and start working on a Plan A or B…Carrot and Stick etc…Did they do the things that the books recommend doing when a spouses is having an affair?


You know what, Jar? It's not easy, but my sincere hope is that people would be a little more understanding of their disloyal and what happens. 

So about your question, how did Dear Hubby handle things and did he jump on board and do Plan A and Plan B? Well you can ask him if you want! LOL  But from what I can see I believe he did what a lot of loyal spouses on here do. First, hurt a lot and can't really believe it's happening. Then try to be polite and mention it...but that doesn't work and isn't enough to shock the system. Then, honestly...yeah he grew a pair. He wrote to the OM directly and that was actually a big help as the OM wanted to back off after that. 

You know--I want to address this a minute actually. I know that a loyal spouse is often kind of afraid of acting too independent or too strong--like that will drive the disloyal away. I can't speak for every disloyal but that was NOT, *NOT*, *NOT *the case with me! Prior to my Dear Hubby writing to the OM I have to honestly say I didn't respect him very much or think too highly of him...but after he wrote I was like  WOW! He had real COURAGE (and that's something I admire) and that's not all. I knew he was afraid and he still stood up and stood there FOR ME. That was like a defibrillator shock to wake me up!!! When a loyal is all wishy-washy and lukewarm it doesn't endear you to the disloyal or make you seem like a better option--but when they are confident and self-assured and dauntless it is a real eye-opener because a disloyal thinks "Ummm...wow...that's not the way I remember them. Maybe I overlooked something." 

That I can tell he is still doing Plan A in the sense of doing the Love Kindlers and ending the Love Extinguishers. We didn't expose to friends and family because I was smart enough to come to my senses and stop doing what I knew was wrong (thank God!). We definitely DID do the things to rebuild our marriage...like doing the Love Kindler, Love Extinguisher, Personality and Love Language quizzes. We also use the Lovingyou.com: Romance Calendar for a little romantic idea every day.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> If you expect heart palpatations then you can not go back to work. Your situation is far to dangerous. I can't recall, but did you talk to your boss about this? If not then you should. And your boss should talk to the OM. You need a "firewall". I think your boss would be a great help. Still, Harley says don't go back. No contact means no contact. You are playing with fire.


I am a bit afraid of how I will feel and react-truly, but financially I can not quit working, we have already suffered with my missing my pay cheques during my leave. This job fits into our schedules with our children (I work only 2 nights/week, but bring in a nearly full time income.) This allows me to be home with my kids during the day, and I have my weekends off to spend with them too. SO it really is a job I do not want to give up...I know, I know you will ask do I want to give up my marriage?-BUT I have made a deal with myself and my HB, that if I feel I am getting in over my head again and he won't stop his advances, that I WILL go to my supervisor at that point. Right now he does not know anything. Our MC advised me not to say anything b/c we would likely both get fired on the spot for conducting ourselves as we did at work during work working hours...sooo that is where I am at. This is not just any job to me-it is the best job, and best pay I have ever had-and likely will ever get with my education level-so for now I must stay, and hope it will all work out. This is very difficult, but I will not get into it the way I did because I know what it did to me when I was 'in it' and don't want to go there again...but feeling don't just turn off, and I am working through that.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Be strong.


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## mr.niceguy (Oct 17, 2009)

Flower and affaircare

Thank you for sharing! 

I confronted my wife over a year ago about an affair and it ended up being 4 years of affairs with 6 or 7 guys mostly emotional but I will never know the truth. One guy was 3 years and 2 trips to France for "vacation." I am glad to hear two women come to there senses and share it. I am on here cruising to day because I still struggle with the fact that she never came clean with me. 

THIS IS WHAT I NEEDED TO READ! To make it easier. My wife is in love with me again but it was not easy since we now have a child that we found out we were having just 2 weeks after I found out about her affair. We love our little boy! And each other!


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Flower, I have to give u alot of credit. Hang tough going back to work, probably he first time u see him or have to talk will be difficult to say the least. Everytime after that it will get a bit easier just don't let him start no non related talk or u go to your supervisor. good luck....


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Flower here is my story, had an ea for about 4/5 months seen eac other or talked on the phone everyday, told my husband anyways I think u know my story. Made a deal with my husband that we wouldn't see each other until xmas, my husband called the om and went to see him a few times to talk about what was going on. I screwed up a few times by dropping by at first but everytime I did that my husband caught me so I stopped. Didn't see him for 3 months than I stopped in my heart was pounding and his first question was r u still with him. I said yes then left shortly after that. Then another couple of months went by I stopped in he was so excited to see me it was like old times again, but now he tells me his wife has cancer and really wants nothing to do with him now worse then ever, he says this will probably make or brake them. we r really like very good friends can talk about anything but I am so attracted to him. I thought I had it beat to but I too like u think about him everyday and its almost been a year. I am trying to let them work this all out but he also needs a friend right now but it is weird so I am keeping my distance out of it and let them work things out.My hs doesn't know any of this new info I can't hurt him anymore and he has been great but I still don't know weither I am staying with him or not its too hard to just forget the past and like u said he could go back to the same behavior that I have put up with for 20 yrs, day by day is all any of us can do. U stay strong and stay away as much as possibly because I know from experience that it will almost kill u to see him at work, it will get easier as time goes on but then if he ignores u that will bother u too, sotry not to have to deal with him too much and good luck, hang in there


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Affaircare and Flower

Thank you again for sharing and answering my questions. It really makes me happy that you both were able to snap out of things and get back on track with your marriage. In reading both of your story’s I realize that both of your husbands really made some major positive changes in themselves and for your marriage. This is a huge accomplishment and something I am trying to do myself.

But more importantly your both were in place that you could see and acknowledge there efforts and also meet them half way…This is huge…especially when you both had feelings that were comply opposite of that. I recognize how major this and really respect you both for making some positive changes.

In my situation my wife has not noticed anything I have done and I haven’t been able to shake her up enough to get her to snap out of her affair. She still can’t trust that we could have a better marriage and life together. On the days when things would be down between us my wife would go back to the OM to get her fix instead of me. Even after the affair was over. I am constantly wondering what to do next to get through to her. The waiting part is tough. I feel very invisible to the OM and my wife.

Flower I guess my only advice to you is be very very carful. My wife’s affair partner is a coworker and like you she asked him to leave her alone on a few occasions. She even moved her desk to get away from him. He would leave her notes on her desk buy her little gifts and constantly pester her and she caved into him and the affair again even after she told me and our counselors that it was over. I didn’t know any of this at the time. She had one foot in our marriage and was putting some effort in just enough to fool me all the while she was running to the OM when we were having off days or she needed something emotionally. She couldn’t trust me, confide in me, open up to me when she need to, or break off the affair. I should have talked about the affair with her more and also insisted that she find a new job. Its temptation. My changes were invisible to her.

Flower on the days when things aren’t perfect with your husband turn towards him. Trust in him, have faith in your self and your marriage, and no matter what choose your marriage over the OM even if he does not respect your wishes and stay away. Be strong and if the OM gets to intense make the sacrifice and find anther job. Do it for yourself and your marriage. If things are still not working then find the strength to end your marriage honestly. Some one wise once told me you can’t start a new relationship with out ending an old one first.

JAR


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Wow Blue...that is some story.
I never met this man outside of work; although he was really pressuring me to..asked me to come to his place for the weekend when his wife was away! UMMMM NO! I had the sense to not go there, even though a part of me wanted to!..there is no way I could do something like that. Then it was a drink, or coffee just to hang out. Those things were tempting b/c I really did want to spend time with him outside of work...but the few times we tried to arrange these outside meetings, they never worked out, so that is a sign it was not meant to be. Probably for the best b/c things can only go so far at work right?

I hope I can handle myself without an anxiety attack on my first day back...although once I see him initially, I know there will be some anxiety-but as you said Blue, after while I hope that it will die down. I can imagine though; that the attraction will still be there-but if he respects my decision to end it and stops his advances that may help..but then again as you said too, it might be hard at the same time to be 'ignored' as I came to love the attention. My HB is very anxious and worried about me going back..he is concerned I will just keep up what I was doing on the side, and not tell him. I have reassured him I will not do this-but there is a small part of me that is not so sure I can make a clean break! It is sooo messed up. I just have to remember the love my HB is giving me, and our 3 children that need us together, and push through this. I will be stronger on the other side, I know it.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I have a question related to this topic.

Is it more difficult to stop an affair if your WS was the one pursuing the other person? Does that make a difference? In the evidence that I have, my husband seems to have been the one pursuing this OW more than she has pursued him(at least based on the emails I have, I may not have all emails)

btw, this affair was/and probably still is a full blown physical affair with all the attachments


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> I have a question related to this topic.
> 
> Is it more difficult to stop an affair if your WS was the one pursuing the other person? Does that make a difference? In the evidence that I have, my husband seems to have been the one pursuing this OW more than she has pursued him(at least based on the emails I have, I may not have all emails)
> 
> btw, this affair was/and probably still is a full blown physical affair with all the attachments


Notready: I would imagine that YOU are not the one who has to end it..he is. And unless he is going to do it, there isn't much you can do other than let him know you will no longer accept this treatment, that you deserve better, and if he is not willing to at least take steps to end this-you may have to look at other options. Unless of course you can see yourself sharing your HB with another woman indefinitely. As Dr. Phil says..you teach people how to treat you...are you teaching him it is OK with you that he continues this on the side...that you will wait around for him to decide when HE is done with this affair?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> Notready: I would imagine that YOU are not the one who has to end it..he is. And unless he is going to do it, there isn't much you can do other than let him know you will no longer accept this treatment, that you deserve better, and if he is not willing to at least take steps to end this-you may have to look at other options. Unless of course you can see yourself sharing your HB with another woman indefinitely. As Dr. Phil says..you teach people how to treat you...are you teaching him it is OK with you that he continues this on the side...that you will wait around for him to decide when HE is done with this affair?


He already filed for divorce shortly after I confronted him. Seems to me that he had this all planned out. He is in LOVE with her as per his emails. But to everyone else he says this is an alleged affair.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Yikes...so are you not accepting that it is over? Do you really WANT to be married to someone like that? I can imagine that it is pretty painful to not only discover the infidelity, but then to have him want a divorce instead of wanting to work on your MG.

Thinking back to my situation, I definitely 'entertained' the thought of could I leave my HB and be with this man IF he left hi wife? BUT then I also questioned that! CRAZY!! Could you really trust a man that would go around trying to find someone on the side b/c he is unhappy at home? NO!! So your HB is likely setting himself up for a bit of bitter karma...the best thing you could do is get your life on track (or at least make it look like you are!) and when the OW finds a new interest and moves on, he will be the one crying.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Thinking back to my situation, I definitely 'entertained' the thought of could I leave my HB and be with this man IF he left hi wife? BUT then I also questioned that! CRAZY!! Could you really trust a man that would go around trying to find someone on the side b/c he is unhappy at home? NO!! So your HB is likely setting himself up for a bit of bitter karma...the best thing you could do is get your life on track (or at least make it look like you are!) and when the OW finds a new interest and moves on, he will be the one crying.


Well said, Flower. The statistical chances of a relationship that began with an affair actually lasting is infinitesimally small. In essence, you get what you bought: base the relationship on deception - where will it go from here? The members of the affair used the affair to escape the troubles they saw at home. Gee - what do you suppose that will be the same solution when new troubles come up? And reality shows that this happens even faster this time than it did last time - because it was such an 'easy solution'. Work at a relationship is a lot harder than moving from one to another.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Well said, Flower. The statistical chances of a relationship that began with an affair actually lasting is infinitesimally small. In essence, you get what you bought: base the relationship on deception - where will it go from here? The members of the affair used the affair to escape the troubles they saw at home. Gee - what do you suppose that will be the same solution when new troubles come up? And reality shows that this happens even faster this time than it did last time - because it was such an 'easy solution'. Work at a relationship is a lot harder than moving from one to another.


Keeping this in front of my brain shall keep me going in the right direction...AWAY from the OM. Resist the temptations for it will lead to a world of hurt for everyone involved.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> ...he will want to pickup where we left off so to speak, and I have to hold strong my resolve to not go there. He is VERY persistent, and has ignored my wishy washy 'We shouldn't be doing this' type of comments.


Just a note to self, flower. You said it yourself here that your "We shouldn't be doing this" comments have been wishy-washy and that he is very persistent. He WILL pursue you. The only alternative is to be firm enough that it will likely feel a little mean to you. Given the option of being mean to your hubby and hurting his feelings (again) or hurting the OM, choose to be a bit mean to the OM to nip this HARD.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Just a note to self, flower. You said it yourself here that your "We shouldn't be doing this" comments have been wishy-washy and that he is very persistent. He WILL pursue you. The only alternative is to be firm enough that it will likely feel a little mean to you. Given the option of being mean to your hubby and hurting his feelings (again) or hurting the OM, choose to be a bit mean to the OM to nip this HARD.



Got it ..Thanks


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