# Resentment and Anger over the past...HELP...



## wutsrongwthme (Jul 9, 2014)

Wife-33 (Divorced)
Me-34 (Widower)
Married-13mos

I am so confused about my mind and heart. I was a widower before I married my wife. I gave my wife every dime to finance a successful defense in her custody case and she ended up screwing us with some back room deal that basically is worse off than what she had originally gotten from her divorce. I started to question her commitment to OUR new life as her money was not enough to even cover her monthly expenses and I am forking the bill for everything else along with all the household responsibility.

We don't fight much because I refuse to Argue, I am a retired soldier and I unfortunately I am brutally honest(MY DOWNFALL)
and I don't get any pleasure from hurting my wifes feelings.

I have been accused from day 1 by her family of being controlling so every situation makes me feel guilty for feeling a certain way or wanting her to see things from my perspective.

How do I get past the resentment for placing all of the responsibilities off on me or letting the ex-husband doop her once again and losing all of my savings of about $11,788, did I give her that money out of love or pitty? 

I am sorry to bother all of you with my problems but my family is driving me crazy and I would like to hear from some people that have either been where I am or that can help me understand why that I can't trust my wifes decision making?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You are in a tough spot.

Does your wife work? I would make her pay you back. Every penny she earns goes back to replenish your savings. If not, make her get a job.

What kind of back room deal did she cut? In other words, what were the original terms in the divorce, and what did she end up settling for?


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## wutsrongwthme (Jul 9, 2014)

Yes wife works at CVS (Pharmacy Tech)- Doesn't make enough money to pay her bills much less help with the kids expenses and bills

The original divorce granted her physical custody but he was considered to have JOINT custody. His visitation schedule was every Wednesday evening and every other weekend.

During the custody trial... " HE CONCEDES CUSTODY" (gives up) and my wife goes into a closed room with attorneys and comes out...
1. Reduced Child Support (he was caught lying on his financial declaration by shorting 20k)
2. He now gets the children 3 weekends a month(we are responsible for the travel which is about 75miles round trip)
3. He doesn't pay for any extra curricular activities i.e. (karate, softball, gymnastics, etc.)
4. If we move more than 30 miles from our current address then its an automatic change of custody. I can't even begin to look for another job because we can't move anywhere.

He constantly violates the court order, we have filed contempt orders with the court but his mom is a judge in the neighboring county so it gets washed away.

I feel like I am being selfish and controlling, now we are paying the lawyer more money to try and get the child support raised to help with addition to childcare because I am no longer able to work from home. We had the chance to do this 3 months ago at trial and she folded her hand after he gave up. 

He continuously threatens to take us back to court, he continuously asks for extra time with kids (we grant it and they just stay with his parents)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow... she really did concede to a lousy deal.

Are you second-guessing your marriage? Do you really love her and want to make this work, or are you thinking this whole thing is a bad chapter and you want a do-over?

Sorry to be blunt, but you've only been married 13 months. You could cut and run.

Since she's working, I would take a portion of every paycheck (or all of it) and put it right back into your savings account. If she's not willing to do that, that would raise serious "deal breaker" thoughts for me.

One more thing... how old are the kids? It seems to me you are basically raising and paying for another man's children. 

Just my opinion...


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## wutsrongwthme (Jul 9, 2014)

I do love her, but yes I am second guessing everything. I want us to have a life together and go after goals that I had previously set for myself and what I want for my family.

2 girls 10 and 7.

We don't fight about anything but this issue with the kids and the ex-husband and her lack of so called responsibility. I completely understand that HE will be involved to an extent in our life from now on and I am ok with it. He is their father and he should have interaction with his kids, I do not want to replace him, although I do want to move away to limit his "so called control" over everything that goes on in our life.

I have goals... She doesn't... I like the finer things in life and don't mind working for them... I love cars, and clothes and watches, shoes, hats and I enjoy sports. I don't feel like we are on the same page about anything in the future and I can't seem to get past the fact that she doesn't seem concerned.

She has gotten some financial mentoring and says that she will become better but she just blew through 4,000 dollars in 30 days and did not pay off any of her bills or help with any of mine. 

When is she suppose to step up and be an adult? How long am I suppose to dump my life and future into something and someone that can't see past this afternoon!! She thinks that as long as she goes to work and comes straight home that makes her a good mother, while I am happy she works and comes straight home that in itself doesn't make you a good mother when you push all of the responsibility off on me.

My first wife killed herself and I have slowly gotten past that but damn I am scared and no one seems to see things the way I do!!!

MAYBE, I AM THE PROBLEM AND JUST DON'T SEE IT!!

SO CONFUSED....


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## wutsrongwthme (Jul 9, 2014)

I am scared to cut and run, I am afraid to be alone...

I mean do I feel like I could never attract another woman-NO...
I am a decent looking guy, I have ambitions, I have goals, I am a very caring person...

Just scared to be alone!!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

wutsrongwthme said:


> I am scared to cut and run, I am afraid to be alone...
> 
> I mean do I feel like I could never attract another woman-NO...
> I am a decent looking guy, I have ambitions, I have goals, I am a very caring person...
> ...


Your fear of "being alone" is not a reason to stay married if you are in an unhappy situation. Perhaps some counseling is in order to uncover the roots of this fear. I suspect it has much to do with the untimely death of your first wife.



wutsrongwthme said:


> *I don't feel like we are on the same page about anything in the future* and I can't seem to get past the fact that she doesn't seem concerned.


This is a very big red flag, the fact that you don't feel like you're on the same page about anything. Did you suspect this or know it before you married her? I don't understand why you would marry someone who you have very little in common with. Unless your fear of being alone drove you to marry the first person that came along.

You have acquired a new wife, two kids -- essentially an "instant family." Very big changes for anyone to deal with.

I suggest counseling to get to the bottom of your fears and figure out what you really want in a marriage and life in general.


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## wutsrongwthme (Jul 9, 2014)

Thank you so much for your time...

I feel like I mislead... We were childhood sweethearts and reconnected after my wife passed away and she was finally getting finished up with her divorce... She seemed so innocent and wanted a better life which I could provide her if she actually wanted it.

I am stubborn on the counseling issue because of my military background, I have seen and done things that are hard to overcome but I was trained to "suck it up, and drive on" and I exert so much effort into being strong that it actually makes me weaker.

She seems to need a strong person in her life but my strength and patience is wearing thin.

I may have mis-spoken about about seeing eye to eye on the future!! She says she wants the life I am wanting to provide her and her kids and I love our girls as if they were my own, I fully enjoy being there for them and them knowing that I can be counted on but I struggle with not having the confidence in my partner too carry us when I am feeling down...

I want to be the best man/father/husband in the world and maybe that is an underlying problem is I am trying to be to perfect. Maybe I am expecting to much from her... Just need some support and for her to be a little more independent... I don't want to control anyone but if I don't take control then we will definitely not make it...

Thanks again for your time and your responses... it is such a relief to get some of this off my chest without feeling the pressure of family/friends opinions!!!

Truly grateful!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married? How did she support herself? How long was she single/separated before you started seeing each other?

Yes, I think you need IC. I think you could also use the "married man's sex life primer" and "no more mr. nice guy". Your desire to be perfect for everyone else is going to cause you to ignore your own needs, and that will cause resentments to fester until they ruin your relationship. So yes, this is your fault, as you're the only one who's likely to stand up for yourself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wutsrongwthme (Jul 9, 2014)

PBear said:


> How long did you date before you got married? How did she support herself? How long was she single/separated before you started seeing each other?
> 
> Yes, I think you need IC. I think you could also use the "married man's sex life primer" and "no more mr. nice guy". Your desire to be perfect for everyone else is going to cause you to ignore your own needs, and that will cause resentments to fester until they ruin your relationship. So yes, this is your fault, as you're the only one who's likely to stand up for yourself.
> 
> ...


We dated for about 8mos.
She was living with her mother and had been separated for 3 years and divorced for approx. 2 years.
Not sure what the sex life book will help with because we are definitely not starved in that area. Our sex life is absolutely amazing although she struggles with some confidence issues in which we have gotten books to help with.

I am about to order the no more Mr. Nice Guy book now and start reading it today. Definitely seeking out an IC but we are living 500 miles apart right now because I had a family member become ill and I had to come and run our business.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

wutsrongwthme said:


> Not sure what the sex life book will help with because we are definitely not starved in that area.


I second PBear's advice to read MMSLP. Married Man Sex Life Primer is not just about sex, rather, its about the *dynamic* between men and women -- WHY women find men attractive. It talks about the fact that women want their man to be more of an Alpha male (strong, decisive, manly, head of the family) instead of a Beta male (cooking, cleaning, whiny, needy) and how NOT to fall into the beta trap by being "too nice" and always bending over backwards to meet her needs.

All around a good read, addresses issues much more than just sex (author should have come up with a better title!) and I think it might be beneficial.

And definitely read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I think you will see yourself in this book.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

In a marriage decision making is supposed to be a joint effort. It sounds to me like you are more miffed about the fact that she doesn't consult you or doesn't take your input seriously. Have you gone to counseling at all? There is lots of help available but it starts by both of you being committed to making the relationship work above all other things. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So she wasn't self-supporting in the past, and now you're frustrated that she still isn't?

I'm struggling to get a clear understanding of your complaint(s). She married you for the life you would provide. You married her because you're a rescuer and were afraid of being alone. You willingly handed over thousands of dollars to her. You need to figure out your boundaries and enforce them, while realizing you can't go back and change the past. The books I mentioned will both help with that, and as mentioned, the MMSLP is about a lot more than sex. 

Btw... Where did she get the $4000? And what did she spend it on?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wutsrongwthme (Jul 9, 2014)

PBear said:


> So she wasn't self-supporting in the past, and now you're frustrated that she still isn't?
> 
> I'm struggling to get a clear understanding of your complaint(s). She married you for the life you would provide. You married her because you're a rescuer and were afraid of being alone. You willingly handed over thousands of dollars to her. You need to figure out your boundaries and enforce them, while realizing you can't go back and change the past. The books I mentioned will both help with that, and as mentioned, the MMSLP is about a lot more than sex.
> 
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Good luck! I hope things work out for you all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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