# Reconciliation setbacks: betrayal or pre-affair issues in marriage?



## allwillbewell

A question for those of you who have successfully reconciled:

How does a couple trying to reconcile tell if setbacks, fights, issues, etc are originating from unresolved issues from the betrayal of an infidelity or are actually problems from the dysfunctional marriage that led to the infidelity? 

When a problem arises that leads to hurt feelings, resentment, anger, etc that may be due to incompatibility, differing values, poor communication skills (relationship issues), how does the BS keep from confusing the source and blaming the infidelity and the consequences(lack of trust, over-sensitivity , loss of respect, jealousy, etc) as the reason for the setback ? 

Having a real hard time discerning and separating the two which makes it difficult to solve the problem. I do not want to throw the past in my exWH's face everytime we have a row altho I realize some things like dishonesty could have a source in both experiences...


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## whitehawk

Well , no doubt there's 45 books that might give you an idea but for a start personally l'd say , just be careful of over anylizing things right now . That could damage things before you even get settled in.

But l guess too , it's a tough ask , things like all that stuff will be more a time thing you'd imagine . Go easy on yourselves give it time , there's gonna be junk for awhile .

Good luck


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## Almostrecovered

You need to "triage" the marriage imo

infidelity is one that needs to be addressed first but I do recognize that things like alcoholism/abuse and the like need to get first priority due to being health matters


plus in order to triage properly you do need to gain better tools of communication


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## allwillbewell

What does it mean to triage the marriage?


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## Acoa

There are multiple things going on in the marriage when infidelity occurs. The betrayal is just one. You need to be able to looks past the pain and anger, to honestly list as many of those things as you can. Then prioritize them.

The are some things that if not fixed quickly, will cause the marriage to fail (aka, the patient to die). These need to be fixed ASAP. Infidelity is one of them. You can't take back the fact it happened. But you can make sure it's stopped. If the AP is still in the picture at all, that needs to be fixed 1st. Progress any place else will not work if the WS still has access to the AP. 

If you are confident the affair is over, and not likely to reoccur in the short term, then you can move on to the next most important thing on the list. 

Embrace your anger. It's trying to tell you something. Don't act out on it, or use it to be violent or hurtful to your spouse. But listen to it. What is it telling you? We don't get angry for no reason. Sometimes we are embarrassed about it and don't even want to admit it to ourselves, so we delude ourselves to the reason we are angry. If you are in IC, explore the things that make you angry during your next session. Nobody can take the anger away from you. Only you can. You need to understand your anger, and take the steps needed to comfortably resolve it, then you can let the anger go. 

I'm getting better at it. I've spent a lifetime trying to deny my emotions and suppress my reactions. Embracing things like anger, sadness and fear are difficult for me. I want to deny them. But, I will never be able to have a healthy relationship if I can't articulate my emotions.


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## allwillbewell

Acoa, you are so right...while all the good feelings and experiences were happening during (false?) reconciliation...(see my other threads), anger and resentment were simmering underneath. Triggers I should have been able to ignore ignited them and I remained stuck. After much introspection, I have discovered that I always felt taken for granted, undervalued and loved only conditionally by my husband. This is a major problem in our marriage which the infidelities only amplified to the 100th degree. Up until I discovered first the most recent infidelity and then 20 months later the second earlier one, I honestly believed my own perception of his attitude and treatment of me may have been skewed. Of course, Dday 1 and 2 proved my perception correct. Until my husband owns up to the huge inadequacies in his own psyche that led to his infidelities and the devastation it wrought upon me, works to address them and offer even meager emotional restitution, my anger remains to poison and doom the relationship


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## indiecat

Regaining trust is the hard thing. Believing what they say.


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