# Your life was put at risk - how do you reconcile that?



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

For betrayed spouses who are in R - how did/do you get past the fact that your WS put your very life in jeopardy by having unprotected sex with their AP, then came home to you and exposed you to potentially life threatening diseases? 

I am divorcing my WW, and just when I think I can try and forgive her (forgive - not reconcile with), I think of this, and it just absolutely floors me. That she exposed me to whatever her posom may have had festering in his body...I will never forgive her for that.

It's one thing that they broke your heart, betrayed you, lied to you, deceived you, shattered your ego and your soul. But literally putting your life at risk - how do you reconcile THAT??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.

The real issue, IMO, is the lying, deceit, and emotional pain of betrayal. STDs? Piffle! Unless you actually got one.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.
> 
> The real issue, IMO, is the lying, deceit, and emotional pain of betrayal. *STDs? Piffle! Unless you actually got one.*


A seat belt is of no use after the crash.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.
> 
> The real issue, IMO, is the lying, deceit, and emotional pain of betrayal. STDs? Piffle! Unless you actually got one.


"Life altering" would be a better description.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> "Life altering" would be a better description.


Now that is more reasonable - or potentially life altering to be accurate, IMO.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.
> 
> The real issue, IMO, is the lying, deceit, and emotional pain of betrayal. STDs? Piffle! Unless you actually got one.




Even if the risk is low or exaggerated... that doesn't mean it isn't real. And a WS, along with everyone else, have no place gambling with someone else's health, safety or worst case scenario life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh. I had just presumed she used protection, as we did, as I wasn't fixed, then.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.


Exaggerated? You're the guy who has an open marriage, so I'm sure you tell yourself that to make yourself more comfortable with the idea of multiple partners. I beg to differ. 

"In a study published in NEJM (New England Journal of Medicine), Dr Maura Gillison of Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore, Maryland, USA, and team suggested that people who have oral sex with at least 6 different partners have a significantly higher risk of developing throat cancer." I know of someone who died from oral cancer who was not a smoker or big drinker, so HPV was the likely cause of his cancer (like Michael Douglas' was). HPV can also lead to cervical cancer in women, so women who are exposed to HPV who don't get regular Paps that include HPV tests may not know they have it - another killer. And HPV is easily transmitted: even condoms don't protect you from getting it.

I also know someone who got genital herpes from some jerk that she dated - now there's a gift that keeps on giving.

The risks exaggerated? I don't think so. 

I was livid with my WS for not using protection, even though he only had sex with the OW a small number of times. Of course, even once was too many. He has said "I wasn't in my right mind," and he was pretty much off his meds (was trying to wean off his medication, and was down to half a pill every other day, which was as good as being off of it). Not an excuse, but he was acting kind of strange around that time, and I chalked it up to a new physical (medical) problem he was trying to deal with at the time.

The way I reconcile this is knowing that he has done so many other good things in his life, for me, for my family, and for many, many other people. It was a terrible thing to do, but there were a lot of really good years that don't get wiped out by this, and he is remorseful and trying to help me heal from the pain that he caused me.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Oh. I had just presumed she used protection, as we did, as I wasn't fixed, then.


I respectfully suggest you don't open yourself to conjecture from others you don't want to hear.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.


whether the risk is 1% or 99 % , the risk still is there. it's not zero. the fact that you know your spouse was willingly took that risk is what hurts the most.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, I did not reconcile but I still seeth at what MANY risks I was unwillingly exposed to. 

No only STD's from women including prostitues but also "fatal attraction" scenarios. Maybe an AP would harm myself or my children. It sounds like movie of the week stuff but it happens.

Remember the Butafucos' (sp)? In New York? The lady steps out her front door and gets shot in the head. Totally innocent not even knowing her husband is sleeping with a crazy woman.

Crazy in bed can be great but it can also be crazy in life too. 

Everything they put us through is maddening and I could never forgive it. I just couldn't.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Right...

Has the wife texted while she was driving you? How dare she!

Did she defrost a chicken outside of the refrigerator? That suicidal harpy!

Did she CHEAT with 6 people? Was she engaging in anal sex? Was the person a drug user? No?

If you want to hold the grudge, hold the grudge. No doubt it will make you a better person. But that she took risks which were as statistically dangerous as a day on the beach (drowning, poisoning, sun burn, sun poisoning, bad seafood, stepping on glass/syringe/sharp shell) seems to be grasping at straws particularly AFTER the fact.

It wasn't your choice, but you also don't get to choose how much the other people on the road text, drink, or sleep. They are much more likely to significantly impact your life. Do you hate them?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Healer,

She was manipulating you with the beer and food. She wanted to sleep with you and suck you back in. But you said you were done. Moreover, you stated:



> She definitely has a personality disorder. She's admitted she's crazy. One of her lines since this went down: "you knew I was crazy when you married me!" then proceeds to blame "us" for not getting her help.


So the risks she took were your fault, according to her.

She still threatening to crack up?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

The Titanic is unsinkable!

STIs and the potential issues you can suffer because of them. Whilst there are manycures for teh vast range of STIs out there. It frequently not the sti that causes the greatest threat to life. Its the other illnessess that can accompny them. I.e.Pyelonephritis; an illness that usually happens when bacteria travel up from your bladder into one or both of your kidneys causing a massic puse infection, terrible pain and leads to E'Coli that will close down al the vital organs. This infection is normal with any STI and can be treated with the same anti biotic as the STI, However, it lingers in the system for months and can trigger without warning, it can render someone in a critical state in several hours. And thats just ONE bi-product of STIs we haven'y gone down the road of multiple carrier infection, HIV etc. 
So when some thinks that STIs are not a threat to someone - ask the poor devil who has caught it after a partner has been putting it about. 
IF Id caught one or could have caught one bacause of my partners cheating - I would make no bones of the fact that they held a loaded gun against my head. Anyone who thinks its low risk should see the stats coming out of South africa for the full range of STIs and of course HIV.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.
> 
> The real issue, IMO, is the lying, deceit, and emotional pain of betrayal. STDs? Piffle! Unless you actually got one.


HIV is real, so is HPV. Not "piffle" in the slightest


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.


Totally illogical thinking! 

If I get hit by a bus tonight on the way home it's not going to hurt any less because (nor will I be the least bit comforted by he fact that) only 3 people in the whole world got hit by a bus tonight! The fact that it doesn't happen OFTEN doesn't make it any less devastating when it does.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

There have been a lot of tv documentaries about BSs getting off'd by WS or AP. I tore into my wife about that issue...'cos I don't want to be "visited" by one of her jilted partners or be fed rat poison.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> There have been a lot of tv documentaries about BSs getting off'd by WS or AP. I tore into my wife about that issue...'cos I don't want to be "visited" by one of her jilted partners or be fed rat poison.


Bear in mind, T.V. also has parents thinking that there is a pedophile behind every bush and on every park bench. According to T.V. if you are a twenty year old hot chick, you are incredibly likely to die at the hands of a killer, despite the fact that their murder rates are the lowest of any demographic in FACTUAL statistics.

You really want to cite T.V. as the basis of your concerns?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It is hard to reconcile that he could have given me aids or herpes. He picked a family friend who in fact had cheated on her husband years prior. With multiple men. So yes it is hard to reconcile. He got tested of course, but still there are diseases that aren't detected for in the routine screens, such as HPV. It's still disgusting to think about. 5 years later.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

yeah.. the worst was when I was getting the STD testing and telling my doc that one of the women my H cheated on me with was the housemaid at his hotel in Costa Rica.. And he was bragging to his friend that they were "boyfriend/girlfriend" for the month he was there for work.. 

And she stopped, looked at me and said, "Are you sure money didn't change hands?" And.. No, I'm not.. There was a couple of times that H "messed up" on the exchange rate and took too much cash.. He was supposed to not take any the following week, but always did.. So.. No, I can't say that money didn't change hands with that one.. Nice, huh?

And she said, "Well, let's just do an HIV test to be on the safe side, then, okay?"

Great.. And I was mad.. The fact that he still lies about it.. 


Yeah, it bothers me.. It bothers me a lot..


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.
> 
> The real issue, IMO, is the lying, deceit, and emotional pain of betrayal. STDs? Piffle! Unless you actually got one.


Right...I guess Hep B and C, HIV, Gonorrhea, Syphilis etc probably won't kill you. Mild inconveniences at the most.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

JCD said:


> Right...
> 
> Has the wife texted while she was driving you? How dare she!
> 
> ...


What an utterly asinine analogy, as per usual.

I take it you didn't glove up when you were banging your OW? LOL.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Pault said:


> The Titanic is unsinkable!
> 
> STIs and the potential issues you can suffer because of them. Whilst there are manycures for teh vast range of STIs out there. It frequently not the sti that causes the greatest threat to life. Its the other illnessess that can accompny them. I.e.Pyelonephritis; an illness that usually happens when bacteria travel up from your bladder into one or both of your kidneys causing a massic puse infection, terrible pain and leads to E'Coli that will close down al the vital organs. This infection is normal with any STI and can be treated with the same anti biotic as the STI, However, it lingers in the system for months and can trigger without warning, it can render someone in a critical state in several hours. And thats just ONE bi-product of STIs we haven'y gone down the road of multiple carrier infection, HIV etc.
> So when some thinks that STIs are not a threat to someone - ask the poor devil who has caught it after a partner has been putting it about.
> IF Id caught one or could have caught one bacause of my partners cheating - I would make no bones of the fact that they held a loaded gun against my head. Anyone who thinks its low risk should see the stats coming out of South africa for the full range of STIs and of course HIV.


Yes but what about texting while driving??!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

JCD said:


> Bear in mind, T.V. also has parents thinking that there is a pedophile behind every bush and on every park bench. According to T.V. if you are a twenty year old hot chick, you are incredibly likely to die at the hands of a killer, despite the fact that their murder rates are the lowest of any demographic in FACTUAL statistics.
> 
> You really want to cite T.V. as the basis of your concerns?


I have a hard time accepting the fact that you are this obtuse and naive. Actually wait, I totally believe it, it's just shocking is all.

I think everyone else (aka not you) here realizes the basis of our concerns are the dirty and potentially infected penises and vagina's we were unwittingly subjected to, and not the teevee. PM me if you need me to explain it to you.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> yeah.. the worst was when I was getting the STD testing and telling my doc that one of the women my H cheated on me with was the housemaid at his hotel in Costa Rica.. And he was bragging to his friend that they were "boyfriend/girlfriend" for the month he was there for work..
> 
> And she stopped, looked at me and said, "Are you sure money didn't change hands?" And.. No, I'm not.. There was a couple of times that H "messed up" on the exchange rate and took too much cash.. He was supposed to not take any the following week, but always did.. So.. No, I can't say that money didn't change hands with that one.. Nice, huh?
> 
> ...


Oh piffle! 

Yeas that's brutal and must have been extremely unsettling and stressful.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Notice the only people in this thread "piffling" the subject at hand are people who are in open marriages or cheaters. Go figure.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Healer said:


> Right...I guess Hep B and C, HIV, Gonorrhea, Syphilis etc probably won't kill you. Mild inconveniences at the most.


Most of them are just temporary inconveniences, if you get them. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you put your own and your wife's lives at greater risk daily, by speeding, or talking on the phone while driving, etc.

You're looking for something to get upset about, while ignoring the greater risks you accept or create each day. Perhaps you like drama, or playing the potential victim?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Most of them are just temporary inconveniences, if you get them. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you put your own and your wife's lives at greater risk daily, by speeding, or talking on the phone while driving, etc.
> 
> You're looking for something to get upset about, while ignoring the greater risks you accept or create each day. Perhaps you like drama, or playing the potential victim?


You've been consorting with jcd to come with boneheaded analogies! 

Hear that everyone? Hepatitis, HIV and Gonorrhea are only "temporary inconveniences" and YOU are all putting everyone's lives at risk with _your_ texting while driving! :rofl:

You're a funny guy, married but happy.

ETA - I don't speed or text while driving...however my stbxw did have unprotected sex with a posom. But really, thanks for playing.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If a passenger in my car dislikes the way I drive. They are free to exit my vehicle. They have first hand knowledge of my driving habits. 

The same is not true of cheating spouse who is lying and hiding his/her affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

workindad said:


> If a passenger in my car dislikes the way I drive. They are free to exit my vehicle. They have first hand knowledge of my driving habits.
> 
> The same is not true of cheating spouse who is lying and hiding his/her affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but how do you explain away jcd's "day at the beach" analogy?? Ha!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

JCD said:


> Bear in mind, T.V. also has parents thinking that there is a pedophile behind every bush and on every park bench. According to T.V. if you are a twenty year old hot chick, you are incredibly likely to die at the hands of a killer, despite the fact that their murder rates are the lowest of any demographic in FACTUAL statistics.
> 
> You really want to cite T.V. as the basis of your concerns?


Actually, what is reported on TV is ONLY the tip of the iceberg. The news can't possibly report every crime that happened in one day. I can think of numerous instances where a major crime didn't even make the news. I remember I was at an ER taking a report for a domestic violence assault from the victim, when a man covered in blood stumbles in saying he was just shot. He survived, but that never made the news. When someone calls me to report a suspicious vehicle where the occupants tried to entice a child into his truck, that doesn't make the news either.

What you see on tv is only a fraction of what is really going on out there.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Healer said:


> You've been consorting with jcd to come with boneheaded analogies!
> 
> Hear that everyone? Hepatitis, HIV and Gonorrhea are only "temporary inconveniences" and YOU are all putting everyone's lives at risk with _your_ texting while driving! :rofl:
> 
> ...


I stand by what I wrote. I do my research. What have you done besides dismissing reality to have a hissy fit?

Here's a link that analyzes the risks and issues without the hype, and puts it in terms everyone can understand. You can dismiss it as not coming from a medical source, but it matches up with the research I've done. Read it if you dare.

Your Honest-to-God Guide to STDs - Mark Manson


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> For betrayed spouses who are in R - how did/do you get past the fact that your WS put your very life in jeopardy by having unprotected sex with their AP, then came home to you and exposed you to potentially life threatening diseases?
> 
> I am divorcing my WW, and just when I think I can try and forgive her (forgive - not reconcile with), I think of this, and it just absolutely floors me. That she exposed me to whatever her posom may have had festering in his body...I will never forgive her for that.
> 
> It's one thing that they broke your heart, betrayed you, lied to you, deceived you, shattered your ego and your soul. But literally putting your life at risk - how do you reconcile THAT??


Do you really think, they thought this person had a life threatening disease that would kill upon having sex, and they went through with it? So suicide murder was the motive of your WW to have an affair?


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

Healer said:


> Yes, but how do you explain away jcd's "day at the beach" analogy?? Ha!


he actually compared cheating to some kinda of hobby like hunting , skiing , skydiving , ... . wait .. what?! you can't see what they have in common?!!!! it's obvious. they all are "Dangerous Activities". unfortunately his post got removed.  it was partly my fault.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I stand by what I wrote.


I'm sure you do - like I said, you're a funny guy!



Married but Happy said:


> Here's a link that analyzes the risks and issues without the hype


Show me more scientific proof that BS's are stupid for thinking that they might get STD's from their WS's genitals, Mr Science! See everyone, we have nothing to worry about. Whew! Thanks MbH!


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

The thing is, the question was 'how do you reconcile that'.. and to reconcile that, you have to accept that this person didn't think along the lines of 'I'm about to do something to get a disease', they are thinking 'I'm in love, he says he's clean, I know I'm clean, so it must be true, I'll just make sure I wash good afterwards...' C'mon... we could go down the list of horrors, the WS wanted to inflict upon us, thinking that the affair was all about us.. or we could realize that it had nothing to do with us, that's why it's a selfish act. She wasn't trying to risk your life, or hers, she was just acting like an idiot and doing stupid reckless things.. so the analogy, of texting, drinking and driving, isn't so absurd really. It's a stupid choice that puts lives at risk.. and no, the family you're about to slam into when you're texting doesn't have any say in the matter either. The whole affair is careless wreckless behavior, so by definition if you're going to R that, you're going to R all that comes along with it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Researchers have discovered a more serious form of HIV. It will go to AIDS in half the time.

New HIV Strain More Aggressive, Scientists Say - ABC News


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Do you really think, they thought this person had a life threatening disease that would kill upon having sex, and they went through with it? So suicide murder was the motive of your WW to have an affair?


Uhhhh - I don't really care what the motivation was or if they thought the person has an std...the very plain and simple fact is, I was unwittingly exposed to potential sexually transmitted diseases by someone, and they did this willingly and without my knowledge or consent. Not sure what your point is...


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

russell28 said:


> The thing is, the question was 'how do you reconcile that'.. and to reconcile that, you have to accept that this person didn't think along the lines of 'I'm about to do something to get a disease', they are thinking 'I'm in love, he says he's clean, I know I'm clean, so it must be true, I'll just make sure I wash good afterwards...' C'mon... we could go down the list of horrors, the WS wanted to inflict upon us, thinking that the affair was all about us.. or we could realize that it had nothing to do with us, that's why it's a selfish act. She wasn't trying to risk your life, or hers, she was just acting like an idiot and doing stupid reckless things.. so the analogy, of texting, drinking and driving, isn't so absurd really. It's a stupid choice that puts lives at risk.. and no, the family you're about to slam into when you're texting doesn't have any say in the matter either. The whole affair is careless wreckless behavior, so by definition if you're going to R that, you're going to R all that comes along with it.


I agree with most of your post. i think ws(s) didn't give much thought to their spouses while they were engaging in affair. they just dismissed any POSSIBLE danger in their activities. healer, in the case of your wife, I don't think she really cared about your well being (physically , emotionally or health wise) during her affair (at least). if she did , she wouldn't cheat in the first place. I understand that this is just another pile of salt to your wound. I'm just saying expecting someone to care about you when it is obvious they don't is just make you feel more hurt. with all due respect to your feeling. 

------------------------------------
about the second part of post : comparing having an affair with texting while driving. it is true that these activities have similarities but there are also some important differences : the driver mostly(not in all cases) didn't promise (in front of God in a church perhaps) to their spouse that they won't text while driving. so they aren't breaking any promises. usually their spouses knows this too. and they text the same way too.(kinda like Open Marriage). texting while driving if doesn't result in accident usually doesn't end marriages , or break apart families, or have bad effects on kids mentality. but having affair almost always does when it comes to light.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

russell28 said:


> The thing is, the question was 'how do you reconcile that'.. and to reconcile that, you have to accept that this person didn't think along the lines of 'I'm about to do something to get a disease', they are thinking 'I'm in love, he says he's clean, I know I'm clean, so it must be true, I'll just make sure I wash good afterwards...' C'mon... we could go down the list of horrors, the WS wanted to inflict upon us, thinking that the affair was all about us.. or we could realize that it had nothing to do with us, that's why it's a selfish act. She wasn't trying to risk your life, or hers, she was just acting like an idiot and doing stupid reckless things.. so the analogy, of texting, drinking and driving, isn't so absurd really. It's a stupid choice that puts lives at risk.. and no, the family you're about to slam into when you're texting doesn't have any say in the matter either. The whole affair is careless wreckless behavior, so by definition if you're going to R that, you're going to R all that comes along with it.


The texting and driving analogy isn't getting any less asinine with each reference.

Do you really think I give a shiny **** that she thought "she was in love" and that she bought that "he was clean"? So because she was stupid and negligent that makes it OK?

It's really, really, really simple: wayward spouses who have unprotected (or even protected - ha!) sex with someone who is not their spouse, then comes home and has sex with their spouse, puts said spouse at risk for contracting potentially life threatening (OOPS! - life altering - let's not exaggerate!!) diseases. And I can't forgive or reconcile that.

You can? Good for you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Healer said:


> Yes, but how do you explain away jcd's "day at the beach" analogy?? Ha!


...sunstroke??? ...some kinda 'stroke'....... :rofl:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

So what I'm getting from the cheaters and people in "open marriages" is that you shouldn't be mad at your WS for putting you at risk for STD's, because BS are just as bad with all their texting and driving and speeding and days at the beach. :smthumbup:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Researchers have discovered a more serious form of HIV. It will go to AIDS in half the time.
> 
> New HIV Strain More Aggressive, Scientists Say - ABC News


You better not have been driving to the beach while you posted that.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

russell28 said:


> Do you really think, they thought this person had a life threatening disease that would kill upon having sex, and they went through with it? So suicide murder was the motive of your WW to have an affair?


Do YOU really think that just becomes someone looks "nice" and their junk doesn't smell badly that they are CLEAN?!? That is some seriously delusional thinking.

The reasons STD rates are so high in this country is because stupid people can't believe that some man/woman they just met who seemed "REALLY NICE" and "LOOKED CUTE" actually has an STD (known or unknown to said man/woman) and passed it on!

The point of OP's post was that BECAUSE his SO cheated on him, she wittingly or unwittingly exposed OP to STDs. She made a choice/gave her consent to have sex with a stranger (previous/current sexual health unknown to her) and she then LIED (by omission) to him and exposed HIM to the possibility of STDs without his consent. 

THAT was his point.

It's not that the man she was banging did/did not have an STD...it's that SHE didn't KNOW and SHE didn't CARE and she decided to NOT KNOW and NOT CARE on OP's behalf as well. She's ALLOWED to make those choices for herself; she is NOT ALLOWED to make those choices for him!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

slowlygettingwiser said:


> do you really think that just becomes someone looks "nice" and their junk doesn't smell badly that they are clean?!? That is some seriously delusional thinking.
> 
> The reasons std rates are so high in this country is because stupid people can't believe that some man/woman they just met who seemed "really nice" and "looked cute" actually has an std (known or unknown to said man/woman) and passed it on!
> 
> ...


This!! I'm astounded this is lost on some people...


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Healer said:


> For betrayed spouses who are in R - how did/do you get past the fact that your WS put your very life in jeopardy by having unprotected sex with their AP, then came home to you and exposed you to potentially life threatening diseases?


I think if proven a person that has a cheating spouse that had unprotected should be able to bring them up on attempted murder charges. And I think that if a cheating spouse actually gives their spouse a terminal STD, they should be in prison.

And if they give their spouse a non-terminal STD that can't be cured, they should serve some jail time with heavy financial restitution to their victim.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I think if proven a person that has a cheating spouse that had unprotected should be able to bring them up on attempted murder charges. And I think that if a cheating spouse actually gives their spouse a terminal STD, they should be in prison.
> 
> And if they give their spouse a non-terminal STD that can't be cured, they should serve some jail time with heavy financial restitution to their victim.


If you actually did infect someone with an STD via infidelity - there should most certainly be legal ramifications.

You're going to get crucified by the cheaters for that, btw.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

russell28 said:


> you have to accept that this person didn't think along the lines of 'I'm about to do something to get a disease', they are thinking 'I'm in love, he says he's clean, I know I'm clean, so it must be true, I'll just make sure I wash good afterwards...'


You are actually thinking that the sexual history was discussed between them? I am betting nothing of the sort occurred. All of the I am clean, he/she is clean is just assumed. Heck some are serial and with lots of partners, never having a test, and since the symptoms don't show, they "assume" they are clean without any proof to back it up, just there belief and assertions. My WW only thought about getting pregnant, and quickly washed that thought from her mind as she has an IUD, didn't even think about diseases (as she told me that).

STD's don't discriminate, they don't only choose the low-life, dirty, drug users, they choose the powerful highly regarded members of society just as equally. Outward cleanliness has nothing to do with the inward cleanliness!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Healer said:


> If you actually did infect someone with an STD via infidelity - there should most certainly be legal ramifications.
> 
> You're going to get crucified by the cheaters for that, btw.


Actually if someone knows they have an STD and doesn't inform their partner or take correct precautions, then they can be legally held responsible for their actions and be charged if passing on STDs.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> You are actually thinking that the sexual history was discussed between them? I am betting nothing of the sort occurred. All of the I am clean, he/she is clean is just assumed. Heck some are serial and with lots of partners, never having a test, and since the symptoms don't show, they "assume" they are clean without any proof to back it up, just there belief and assertions. My WW only thought about getting pregnant, and quickly washed that thought from her mind as she has an IUD, didn't even think about diseases (as she told me that).
> 
> STD's don't discriminate, they don't only choose the low-life, dirty, drug users, they choose the powerful highly regarded members of society just as equally. Outward cleanliness has nothing to do with the inward cleanliness!


True, I can't pretend to know how the whole thing goes down.. probably more like you said, they figure "I'm free from disease, so they must be" or only think pregnancy, because they don't think this person is the type that would have a disease or they wouldn't sleep with them, they have standards and stuff.. Who knows.. I'm sure there are cases where the spouse hopes to get a disease and pass it on, why not? Probably a craigslisting for that one out there.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> Uhhhh - I don't really care what the motivation was or if they thought the person has an std...the very plain and simple fact is, I was unwittingly exposed to potential sexually transmitted diseases by someone, and they did this willingly and without my knowledge or consent. Not sure what your point is...


So you got an STD? Sorry, that sucks. I can see why you're so angry now.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

russell28 said:


> True, I can't pretend to know how the whole thing goes down.. probably more like you said, they figure "I'm free from disease, so they must be" or only think pregnancy, because they don't think this person is the type that would have a disease or they wouldn't sleep with them, they have standards and stuff.. Who knows.. I'm sure there are cases where the spouse hopes to get a disease and pass it on, why not? Probably a craigslisting for that one out there.


This is so true. I asked my WW specifically about her thoughts and those were her responses. "It never crossed her mind, only pregnancy which she knew wasn't possible due to the IUD!" For some reason we have the impression that bad things only happen to bad people (hence the blame shifting onto the DS for the affair). We think that only the downtrodden and the sexual- abusers, drug users, etc are susceptible to STDs. The general acceptance is that someone whom is hygienic and well composed wouldn't/ couldn't possibly be a carrier or have and STD. It is the whole book by the cover scenario (they dress nice, have nice clothes, make good money, etc so they couldn't possibly be infected), and lots of times the A happens while intoxicated as well, so inhibitions are even farther lowered. STDs are really the farthest thing from their mind. It is all about the gratification.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JCD said:


> It wasn't your choice, but you also don't get to choose how much the other people on the road text, drink, or sleep.


He didn't marry the other people.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I don't post much but read a lot here, this thread caught my eye. My WS, his xOW continued cheating on her now xBS during a false R, all after our DD. Her continued cheating was with a guy she currently lives with and they now have a baby. I have not been in touch with her xBS in awhile but one of the last times we spoke he told me she advised him she had been exposed to herpes. As it turns out, her OM/father of her baby did admit to having herpes to someone we both know. I don't have the stats but I've heard genital herpes is pretty prevalent. Sorry but I don't want the gift that keeps on giving, one outbreak after the other. 

My WS and xOW never made it as far as actual sex but were headed that direction. Other sexual things did happen. They were trying to plan a tryst just prior to exposure. He's told me and I heard it on the VAR....there was no talk of whether or not either of them were "clean" and he was well aware she was on no form of birth control whatsoever as she was actively trying to get pregnant with her xBS and apparently any other willing partner. She was striving toward the "anchor baby." 

In a nutshell, my WS was going to plow ahead had they had the chance. He had no concern about what he might pick up and share with me. It is a tough one to reconcile how dumb, selfish, and irresponsible his behavior was. He's an idiot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

russell28 said:


> ...they have standards and stuff..


:rofl:


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> The texting and driving analogy isn't getting any less asinine with each reference.
> 
> Do you really think I give a shiny **** that she thought "she was in love" and that she bought that "he was clean"? So because she was stupid and negligent that makes it OK?
> 
> ...


We 'get' that *you *can't reconcile that, but you asked how people do...

Not seeing where I said it was '*OK*'

Negligent is a good word, it sums it up.. cheaters aren't known for making the best life choices.

Another reason I choose to R, I don't want to become bitter and angry.. I don't want to hate, or judge.. 

I have a long list of reasons why I R, and a long list of reasons that are blockers, or things that make R difficult.. I'd share them with you if you really cared, or wanted to know. It sounds like you just want to vent your anger. You don't really want to know how... You're anger is mis-directed if you're upset with people that are trying to save a marriage after infidelity, we didn't cheat on you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I respectfully suggest you don't open yourself to conjecture from others you don't want to hear.


Yes. My thoughts exactly. And as I successfully blocked out any idea of them having actually had sex for many years...


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

TryingToRecover said:


> I don't post much but read a lot here, this thread caught my eye. My WS, his xOW continued cheating on her now xBS during a false R, all after our DD. Her continued cheating was with a guy she currently lives with and they now have a baby. I have not been in touch with her xBS in awhile but one of the last times we spoke he told me she advised him she had been exposed to herpes. As it turns out, her OM/father of her baby did admit to having herpes to someone we both know. I don't have the stats but I've heard genital herpes is pretty prevalent. Sorry but I don't want the gift that keeps on giving, one outbreak after the other.
> 
> My WS and xOW never made it as far as actual sex but were headed that direction. Other sexual things did happen. They were trying to plan a tryst just prior to exposure. He's told me and I heard it on the VAR....there was no talk of whether or not either of them were "clean" and he was well aware she was on no form of birth control whatsoever as she was actively trying to get pregnant with her xBS and apparently any other willing partner. She was striving toward the "anchor baby."
> 
> ...


I also think my WS believes the xOW was clean because she was in a relationship. Lol, technically maybe she was but she was also the office bicycle so how HE reconciles that contrast is beyond me. Stupid. I'm sure there were other weird ideas involved, probably that only certain types of people have STD's. Fantasy land and choosing to be naive? Didn't care at the time? Probably all of the above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

russell28 said:


> We 'get' that *you *can't reconcile that, but you asked how people do...
> 
> Not seeing where I said it was '*OK*'
> 
> ...


Dismissing the risk of acquiring STD's from a WS as "piffle" and shifting blame to the BS because they text and drive and speed and go to the beach is not explaining how one is able to reconcile the cheating.

I'm not angry with people trying to R - more power to ya. This thread turned into a blame shift and minimizing and ridiculing of BS who have a problem with being put at risk for std's. But I think you know that.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Actually if someone knows they have an STD and doesn't inform their partner or take correct precautions, then they can be legally held responsible for their actions and be charged if passing on STDs.


I guess it's good that this option is available, but I can't imagine the woman I know who got it from that jerk filing charges for being infected with genital herpes; wouldn't do much for HER reputation, would it? And just imagine the process of filling out the paperwork and dealing with people who ask you questions out loud about what you've written on the forms....

Uggh. 

Knowing this woman, it did cross my mind - what if the OW had it, and what if I'm going to be stuck with it?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> I guess it's good that this option is available, but I can't imagine the woman I know who got it from that jerk filing charges for being infected with genital herpes; wouldn't do much for HER reputation, would it? And just imagine the process of filling out the paperwork and dealing with people who ask you questions out loud about what you've written on the forms....
> 
> Uggh.
> 
> Knowing this woman, it did cross my mind - what if the OW had it, and what if I'm going to be stuck with it?


It was meant more for the BS. If a monogamous relationship existed prior to the A and the only person that the WS was with was the AP, then you know who had the disease and how they gave it. 

You could then bring charges against them. You could subpoena their health records pertaining to STDs and if they were positively tested then they can be charged. Although the WS could charge as well, it is not that charge that we would be pursuing, it is the AP (unless the WS knew as well, then they too could be charged).


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> Dismissing the risk of acquiring STD's from a WS as "piffle" and shifting blame to the BS because they text and drive and speed and go to the beach is not explaining how one is able to reconcile the cheating.
> 
> I'm not angry with people trying to R - more power to ya. This thread turned into a blame shift and minimizing and ridiculing of BS who have a problem with being put at risk for std's. But I think you know that.


I wouldn't ridicule.. that was one of the first things I pointed out after dday, how she risked the life of her childrens parents, and needed the STD tests etc.. It was painful.. We were together since we were children, I thought I was blessed to not have to worry about disease.. imagine my surprise, so yea, it's a tough one. But it's just another turd in the steaming pile of crap that gets dumped on you.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

In this woman's case, the dope admitted to her after she was infected that he had it (they were dating exclusively) so it wasn't like he tried to hide that it was him who gave it to her. He just didn't want to bring it up earlier - because she might not want to have sex with him. Yeah - THAT was a distinct possibility.

issed:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Healer,
> 
> She was manipulating you with the beer and food. She wanted to sleep with you and suck you back in. But you said you were done. Moreover, you stated:
> 
> ...


She does when I call her out on doing something stupid or that is in breach of our separation agreement. She plays the victim and threatens to lose it. I calmly tell her she is not a victim, I am simply stating that I will not tolerate actions that are not in the best interest of my children or that violate our legal agreement. Then she backs down. It's good times.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I thought I was blessed to not have to worry about disease.. imagine my surprise, so yea, it's a tough one. But it's just another turd in the steaming pile of crap that gets dumped on you.


:lol::smthumbup:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I wouldn't ridicule.. that was one of the first things I pointed out after dday, how she risked the life of her childrens parents, and needed the STD tests etc.. It was painful.. We were together since we were children, I thought I was blessed to not have to worry about disease.. imagine my surprise, so yea, it's a tough one. But it's just another turd in the steaming pile of crap that gets dumped on you.


True that, and I'm sorry you went through that.

Seriously, I hope your reconciliation is successful. I don't begrudge anyone that.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

So what I'm getting from this thread is that using a condom is tantamount to using a hands free bluetooth device while driving?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I guess the one thing my ex didn't do was put my life at risk...

Yeah... she basically stopped having sex with me when she swore a secret allegiance to her AP to only be with him. I guess starving your husband for affection for 4-5 months while having unprotected sex with the OM in the back of his pickup truck several times a week is perfectly normal behavior.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

russell28 said:


> You don't really want to know how... You're anger is mis-directed if you're upset with people that are trying to save a marriage after infidelity, we didn't cheat on you.


I disagree, I think he genuinely wanted to know and he was lectured with poor analogies. He didn't attack you or anyone with sound advice, he attacked the person who said he had a grudge, implied he was hateful and wasn't being fair to his wayward spouse.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Healer said:


> So what I'm getting from this thread is that using a condom is tantamount to using a hands free bluetooth device while driving?


THAT is a good analogy. It deserves more attention. Maybe if my wife uses speech to text software while driving (to send text messages), the guy she is messing around with will use a condom.

That said...if the affair has been exposed, you have been tested and are clean, and you are divorcing...why hold on to this? 

Let it go....let it go...don't hold back any more.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I disagree, I think he genuinely wanted to know and he was lectured with poor analogies. He didn't attack you or anyone with sound advice, he attacked the person who said he had a grudge, implied he was hateful and wasn't being fair to his wayward spouse.


I agree. some poster post something to start the fiery responses from other posters and when the fire started they suddenly stop posting. the result would be that two very good poster (healer , russel) get banned or at the very least beat each other up. please don't fall into this trap. read from the very first to see who started this fire.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

thebadguy said:


> THAT is a good analogy. It deserves more attention. Maybe if my wife uses speech to text software while driving (to send text messages), the guy she is messing around with will use a condom.


LOL. Well put.



thebadguy said:


> That said...if the affair has been exposed, you have been tested and are clean, and you are divorcing...why hold on to this?
> 
> Let it go....let it go...don't hold back any more.


Working on it! But sometimes something comes into my head, and this is the place I feel I can discuss it/get feedback/ hear from others.

It's weird - you get cheated on, you try to R, you find this place and post for support/advice...then you become a member of this community, and it becomes a sounding board, and almost like a family. Being cheated on is a baffling, confusing and extremely upsetting thing. Admittedly I am not over it, and even though I am divorcing and moving on, I still feel I need some questions answered and need to express my feelings here and there.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

As an aside...as I sit here writing, I was going through my head wondering who I thought was more likely to have an STD...MY AP (granted I never sealed the deal) or my wife's AP.

I decided my WIFE'S AP is more likely to have one. And here's my faulty logic....his kids are older than my AP's kids. Pregnant women get tested so if there is a chance of passing something on to the baby, the OB can either plan on a C-Section and/or treat the infection. Of course...my wife's AP was both never tested and his kids are 10 years older than my AP's.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

thebadguy said:


> As an aside...as I sit here writing, I was going through my head wondering who I thought was more likely to have an STD...MY AP (granted I never sealed the deal) or my wife's AP.
> 
> I decided my WIFE'S AP is more likely to have one. And here's my faulty logic....his kids are older than my AP's kids. Pregnant women get tested so if there is a chance of passing something on to the baby, the OB can either plan on a C-Section and/or treat the infection. Of course...my wife's AP was both never tested and his kids are 10 years older than my AP's.


I agree that is faulty logic. He could have been tested on a routine physical or work physical within the last year and you'd never know. Also your AP could have had more than just you as an AP (women have an easier time getting men than the other way around). And either of these scenarios could have been reversed, so yes faulty logic, Unless you actually asked and saw the medical tests, any logic applied other than using protection is faulty.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I stand by what I wrote. I do my research. What have you done besides dismissing reality to have a hissy fit?
> 
> Here's a link that analyzes the risks and issues without the hype, and puts it in terms everyone can understand. You can dismiss it as not coming from a medical source, but it matches up with the research I've done. Read it if you dare.
> 
> Your Honest-to-God Guide to STDs - Mark Manson


People who are cheating are a self selecting group that are probably far higher risk than the "normal" population.

Aside from the fact that the cheating spouse exposes the betrayed spouse to an uncontrollable, potentially fatal, risk without their knowledge the pool of people that are prepared to engage in this risky behaviour are bound to be more likely to have an STI.

My ex wife (we are still together), for example, had unprotected sex with a known philander who had at least one other girlfriend.

This immediately opens you up to, not just one person, but all of his recent past and current partners and their partners too.

It is as asinine as your other comparisons to simply take a nominal infection rate in the general population as any sort of guide as to how likely it is to contract an STI.

Although the ill informed gentleman you cite in your link does acknowledge that his method is "ridiculous and flawed" he then dismisses his own concerns.

Let's do a *** packet calculation (back of the envelope to my colonial cousins I suppose):

Chlamydia is the most common STI. The side effects can be pretty unpleasant and it can cause very serious problems - especially for women.

(CDC - STD Surveillance, 2010 - Chlamydia)

Either way, infection rates vary wildly depending on the state (from 0.17% to 0.86% of the population), sex, racial background etc. 

If we take the 14-39 age bracket, however, this jumps to an *average* of 2.2%. I wouldn't fancy my chances of staying infection free if, for example, I had unprotected sex with a 30 year old non hispanic black female from Alaska.("_The rate of chlamydia among blacks was more than eight times the rate among whites_")

And this is *just* chlamydia. Granted, I expect it is likely that those infected by one STI also have others; but the odds are starting to look fairly significant - even taking a randomised, non self selecting, sample.

Take a serial cheating 35 year old woman in an urban area and I am guessing the odds of contracting an STI are significant.

I'm not about to further try to show how a weak understanding of statistics coupled with self interested self justification can lead to faulty thinking, but I am guessing that anyone that has read this far should have gotten my point:

Cheaters have a very good chance of having an STI.

Betrayeds have no choice in this matter.

Those that think the odds are similar to being struck by lightening are either not very bright, or deluding themselves.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Last thing and then I'm out. MattMatt and Russell are the two that answered the original question. If you are in R please help the guy out. He said he wants to take her back, but he can't get past the STD threat. Bickering, berating and minimizing his issue isn't helping him at all when the threat FACTUALLY EXISTS. Nope, it doesn't matter if the article, which I read, says 1 out of 1,000,000,000 or whatever actually get STDs. 

It's a FACT, he could be that one because significant others do get diseases from infidelity. The threat, no matter how small, comes into existence the minute the significant other cheats. A clean bill of health and statistics, after the fact, doesn't change the initial threat or the feelings.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> I agree that is faulty logic. He could have been tested on a routine physical or work physical within the last year and you'd never know. Also your AP could have had more than just you as an AP (women have an easier time getting men than the other way around). And either of these scenarios could have been reversed, so yes faulty logic, Unless you actually asked and saw the medical tests, any logic applied other than using protection is faulty.


Having not had sex with her seems to do the trick too. 

Although...in fairness, I dated her in college and DID have sex with her then....just not in the past 15+ years.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> People who are cheating are a self selecting group that are probably far higher risk than the "normal" population.
> 
> Aside from the fact that the cheating spouse exposes the betrayed spouse to an uncontrollable, potentially fatal, risk without their knowledge the pool of people that are prepared to engage in this risky behaviour are bound to be more likely to have an STI.
> 
> ...


Well typed, brother.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Last thing and then I'm out. MattMatt and Russell are the two that answered the original question. If you are in R please help the guy out. He said he wants to take her back, but he can't get past the STD threat. Bickering, berating and minimizing his issue isn't helping him all when the threat FACTUALLY EXISTS. Nope, it doesn't matter if the article, which I read, says 1 out of 1,000,000,000 or whatever actually get STDs..
> 
> It's a FACT, he could be that one because significant others do get diseases from infidelity. The threat, no matter how small existed the minute the significant other cheats. A clean bill og health and statistics doesn't change the initial threat.


You are right in your statements, but the fact is that getting over this is the same as getting over any of the other things that are involved in an A. One can only be given ideas, but how they heal is strictly their own. I mean one could argue that unless you had strict medical records at some point you stopped using protection with your spouse, and it could be said that they put your life at risk at that point unless you had full disclosure, which most never do, of past sexual history and you had no problem getting over that (most never even though of that) to be married.

It is just that we are in love then and in a different place. It is possibly the same betrayal we are just viewing it in a different light.

Think of it as, will you never have unprotected sex with anyone again until they have a fully cleared medical panel and just take their word for it, for most I would bet the answer is yes.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> You are right in your statements, but the fact is that getting over this is the same as getting over any of the other things that are involved in an A. One can only be given ideas, but how they heal is strictly their own.


 Which is why I said help him out. Calling him names because he doesn't see it a certain way is unhelpful. 



> I mean one could argue that unless you had strict medical records at some point you stopped using protection with your spouse, and it could be said that they put your life at risk at that point unless you had full disclosure, which most never do, of past sexual history and you had no problem getting over that (most never even though of that) to be married. It is just that we are in love then and in a different place. It is possibly the same betrayal we are just viewing it in a different light


Two different issues and not the same betrayal IMO. So, I will respectfully disagree. The OP's example lacked choice, yours does not. Yes, even if I do not see all of her medical records.



> Think of it as, will you never have unprotected sex with anyone again until they have a fully cleared medical panel and just take their word for it, for most I would bet the answer is yes.


Sorry, I see your point, but do not agree based on choice.


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## Mortie (Dec 19, 2013)

Im in the same situation, my wife decided to go f..k her exboyfriend 2 more times without using a condem. He is an ex drug dealer (as she puts it). Then keeps the information from me for 22 years. She now claims ignorance about STD's. Back then we were not educated about STD's in school so she says. You would have to know my wife to understand this, she is a very smart, very highly educated person who has researched everything all of her life. Before becoming a SAHM, she was a very high paid professional. The funny part is that in all her years f..king around, she has never used a comdem. AND NOW she claims ignorance to STD's. REALLY!!! All I worried about back then was getting pregnant and I thought I had that covered.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Healer said:


> If you actually did infect someone with an STD via infidelity - there should most certainly be legal ramifications.
> 
> You're going to get crucified by the cheaters for that, btw.


F**k the cheaters.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Life threatening or life altering... either way it weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I was pregnant on my DDay and it was not only my health but our son's that I had to worry about. 

Getting tested for STDs when you are pregnant is par for the course but requesting an additional test for STDs and sobbing to your OB/GYN it's because your partner is cheating is not. I was monogamous and had no use for condoms (so I thought) during my pregnancy. 

The other thing that I am not over is that not only did he cheat while I was pregnant, he had a pregnancy scare with his married wh0re-let when our baby was five months old. Of course, he claims to have used a condom. Still, they can break otherwise our first son wouldn't be here.

Part of me worries my children have a half-sibling with that woman that I'll find out about down the road. That's one thing putting a major dent in any chances of R. I could gladly love and adopt a child or raise a stepkid but not one born out of those circumstances (though no fault of their own). I'm just not that strong.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Actually if someone knows they have an STD and doesn't inform their partner or take correct precautions, then they can be legally held responsible for their actions and be charged if passing on STDs.


True. But I think if someone has unprotected sex, doesn't yet know they have a disease, and pass it on to their partner, they should still be brought up on charges.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

vellocet said:


> True. But I think if someone has unprotected sex, doesn't yet know they have a disease, and pass it on to their partner, they should still be brought up on charges.


:iagree::iagree: Wish the law took the same vantage point.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

To answer the OP's original question:

It's one of the many things I couldn't square in my mind. I understand none of what my cheating wife did. Putting me at risk of HIV or any other STD is just another outrageous action on her part.

20 months after DDay 2, I think about it all often - it's exacerbated by the fact that we are still together.

I have reconciled myself to the STD thing. It does "fit" into the total absence of logic, fore thought and anything else you can think of when it comes to what she did and who she did it with.

In my mind, I put these into a box and simply don't try to think of it any more.

The main battle is learning that you will never be able to explain it, that it was 100% wrong and that at least you and I (and many, if not all, betrayeds here) dodged that particular bullet - instead we copped for a very painful, life changing disease called betrayal.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> You are right in your statements, but the fact is that getting over this is the same as getting over any of the other things that are involved in an A. One can only be given ideas, but how they heal is strictly their own. I mean one could argue that unless you had strict medical records at some point you stopped using protection with your spouse, and it could be said that they put your life at risk at that point unless you had full disclosure, which most never do, of past sexual history and you had no problem getting over that (most never even though of that) to be married.
> 
> It is just that we are in love then and in a different place. It is possibly the same betrayal we are just viewing it in a different light.
> 
> Think of it as, will you never have unprotected sex with anyone again until they have a fully cleared medical panel and just take their word for it, for most I would bet the answer is yes.


Is this a serious post?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Life threatening or life altering... either way it weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I was pregnant on my DDay and it was not only my health but our son's that I had to worry about.
> 
> Getting tested for STDs when you are pregnant is par for the course but requesting an additional test for STDs and sobbing to your OB/GYN it's because your partner is cheating is not. I was monogamous and had no use for condoms (so I thought) during my pregnancy.
> 
> ...


Cheating on your pregnant wife - WOW.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Healer said:


> Is this a serious post?


Is this???


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## Sudra (Oct 16, 2013)

> Seriously? There are few life-threatening STDs, and the risks are usually exaggerated anyway.
> 
> The real issue, IMO, is the lying, deceit, and emotional pain of betrayal. STDs? Piffle! Unless you actually got one.


Ummm, I "actually got one." HPV. The high risk kind. My pap smears are all abnormal. I have to be closely watched. Sure, it could be worse. (There was a woman married for years to her husband with grandchildren who got HIV from her husband's fun times with a hooker who used to post on SI.com.) But that doesn't mean it's not bad.

If I get cervical cancer, it may very well be curable. But even if it is curable, how fun is it to go through treatment? Radiation therapy for weeks. Surgery to remove some of my lady parts. Will sex without a cervix be the same? For either of us? The financial, time and emotional cost is high. For me. And I had no choice in the matter.

My husband was sure she was "clean" because such a wonderful woman surely never would have an STD, right?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Is this???


Deadly. 

"It is possibly the same betrayal we are just viewing it in a different light."

So let me get this straight - spouses who are faithful and have sex only with their spouse but don't get an std test before having sex with said spouse are betraying their spouse like a WS does when they cheat?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> People who are cheating are a self selecting group that are probably far higher risk than the "normal" population.
> 
> Aside from the fact that the cheating spouse exposes the betrayed spouse to an uncontrollable, potentially fatal, risk without their knowledge the pool of people that are prepared to engage in this risky behaviour are bound to be more likely to have an STI.
> 
> ...


Let's bring all this together, shall we?



> Honey! You'll *never *guess what happened! Me and my AP were cruisin' down the highway comin' back from the beach, we was havin' sex, he was steering with his one hand, lookin' over my shoulder, well, just as he was sending a text to his wife, the damnedest thing happened! The car was struck by lightening! Anyway, I think that time we did it was when he gave me the gleet!"


That just about covers all angles (_"Oooh, Matron!"_) I think.

"Oooh, Matron" is a UK cultural meme that Chris should get a chuckle out of!:rofl:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Last thing and then I'm out. MattMatt and Russell are the two that answered the original question. If you are in R please help the guy out. He said he wants to take her back, but he can't get past the STD threat. Bickering, berating and minimizing his issue isn't helping him at all when the threat FACTUALLY EXISTS. Nope, it doesn't matter if the article, which I read, says 1 out of 1,000,000,000 or whatever actually get STDs.
> 
> It's a FACT, he could be that one because significant others do get diseases from infidelity. The threat, no matter how small, comes into existence the minute the significant other cheats. A clean bill of health and statistics, after the fact, doesn't change the initial threat or the feelings.


I basically got through it by ignoring it.

However, later when I was going through my drunken meltdown accidental idiotic revenge affair, I was on the point of having unprotected sex with my EA AP. Was she clean? Not a clue! Was she using contraception? No idea! We didn't have PIV sex, but I was literally seconds away from it, but at the last moment I realised I was doing something wrong so no sex, thank God.

My point here is many people when they are so f**ked up in the head that they think cheating on their BS is somehow OK or normal, they aren't going to even *consider* the possibility of an STD or pregnancy. I know I didn't.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hell when I was a kid the phuckers I was hanging with but my @ss in some scary sh1t situations...having my old lady do the same was just another day in the jungle.

If my old lady would have given me an STD I would have beat her @ss and done the time for it.

I hate to think about going back to my old ways but that kind of thing would have been a bad deal for both me and the old lady...so I guess we're both lucky she didn't give me some crap I couldn't get rid of.

At the end of the day there are a lot of reason I let my old lady work at R and few of them are not screwing in my house, giving me a STD, letting me get mine before the OM, and forgiving me for slapping her around when we were kids.

So in my messed up case...way back when.. it wasn't really a thought about risking my life it was about getting what I wanted and then leaving me the hell alone when I was done with her.But now that I'm older dying of an STD could have been just as likely as a gun shot or getting shanked. I'm guessing it will be smoken and drinken that will do me in! Then again if Mrs. the-guy starts cheaten again it will be a state authorized injection...LOL


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Healer said:


> Deadly.
> 
> "It is possibly the same betrayal we are just viewing it in a different light."
> 
> So let me get this straight - spouses who are faithful and have sex only with their spouse but don't get an std test before having sex with said spouse are betraying their spouse like a WS does when they cheat?


That is not what I was saying. I was saying that the first time you had sex with your spouse (i used spouse, but it could have been your fiancé or just serious partner at the time prior to being married, just most act like they never had pre-marital sex that was unprotected) we were putting ourselves into the same type of situation since we didn't know their sexual history, yet since we were in love and committed (or so we thought at the time as it may never have panned out) we wrote them off as safe and clean just as they did with the AP. The partner/ spouse at the time could have been just as betraying with us as they were later on in our marriage, just the lobe we had masked it. Now that we are in a bad place we view it differently. I am comparing their betraying actions then and to now as the same level of betrayal (a they were hiding something then and putting our lives at the same risk not knowing their history and actions.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Sudra said:


> Ummm, I "actually got one." HPV. The high risk kind. My pap smears are all abnormal. I have to be closely watched. Sure, it could be worse. (There was a woman married for years to her husband with grandchildren who got HIV from her husband's fun times with a hooker who used to post on SI.com.) But that doesn't mean it's not bad.
> 
> If I get cervical cancer, it may very well be curable. But even if it is curable, how fun is it to go through treatment? Radiation therapy for weeks. Surgery to remove some of my lady parts. Will sex without a cervix be the same? For either of us? The financial, time and emotional cost is high. For me. And I had no choice in the matter.
> 
> My husband was sure she was "clean" because such a wonderful woman surely never would have an STD, right?


Sudra, I "liked" your post but "like" is hardly the correct word; I meant that like to show that I feel "I'm so sorry you are the best example in our online community of what we fear when they don't use protection, but thank you so much for posting this." Sheesh. Maybe you saw my post about the guy who died from oral cancer, most likely due to high risk HPV. I'm SO sorry you have to deal with this. Monogamy isn't just a good idea because it keeps people's hearts from breaking. It keeps people healthy and alive.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

My wife came up with an irregularity, on her STD test after I "exposed" her A (it was the first condition I set), and tried to write it off as nothing. I did my research and found that this can be caused by something out of the ordinary being inserted vaginally (translated to tampons, non-regular sexual partners, and various other things). 

She tried to get the Dr's PA buy into it being normal (after the PA had said it was abnormal originally) and just something that happens with women, like a yeast infection does. I didn't let her off the hook and argued with her, basing my facts off of posted medical journals, my wife not needing or using tampons due to her IUD and not having periods, and nothing else was a possibility other than a non usual sex partner. She finally admitted that it probably was the A and treated my WW for the "abnormality" and that her writing it off was actually trying to help my WW deal with the findings and the guilt. I read her the riot act as I didn't think it was a medical professionals place to make a judgement on something like that when others health was at risk, and decide what she thought it was based on my WW's lie that she told her (because she wasn't going to treat her originally).

Come to think of it I should make her go get another blood test, to be sure that things haven't cultivated since then. So yes it is a real thing to worry about.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Last thing and then I'm out. MattMatt and Russell are the two that answered the original question. If you are in R please help the guy out.


I am in R and I also answered the original question.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Yes my wife put me at risk since I have a kidney transplant and am on imnosupsenants (spell?). There is a higher risk of everything on me getting the worst of anything.(cold, sickness, etc) 

You know I forgave and we worked it out. A lot of MC and preacher time. 

I also feel that if it were my time God would have pulled the strings and said it was time.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> So what I'm getting from this thread is that using a condom is tantamount to using a hands free bluetooth device while driving?


I believe the main point in this one, was that it's a careless thing.. it's dangerous to others, you're putting people at risk etc... It's minus the betrayal, but it's to illustrate that people make stupid selfish choices all the time without regard for others safety or health, even a spouse.

If someone is texting while driving if the spouse is in the car, and sneaking to do it.. and they run off the road, no it's not the same as having sex with another person. I think we all get that.

I pointed out to the wife also the thing about the fact that now she's exposed me to every sleezeball that scumbag slept with, and he's a cheating person with a previous wife that might have slept around on him, he might have been cheating on her and everyone in between, so now we instead of being with 1 person, have been with 1 to the x power.... thanks for that.. yea, it's a major part of the suckage of an affair.


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