# How common is a DDay 2 ??



## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

I have read several instances where BS's find out serious info even after DDay one ( WW still having affair, breaks NC, lies again). Just wondering how common it is for it to happen? Oh and I am definitely not naive in thinking it won't happen, got my VAR express shipped and will be here tomorrow :smthumbup:, just wondering form others experience.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

all too often

depends on what you mean by DDay2- finding out the affair continued or a new affair started is what I consider that to be

finding out info you didnt know already is more akin to trickle truth and VERY common


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> all too often
> 
> depends on what you mean by DDay2- finding out the affair continued or a new affair started is what I consider that to be
> 
> finding out info you didnt know already is more akin to trickle truth and VERY common


I guess IMO anything really, I told WH that if he cheats again, lies, or contacts her, were done. I know others have said the same and yet their WS still did it. I guess I am not so much concerned with a new affair as I am with him possibly contacting the AP even though he said he wouldn't, which for some odd reason, I just don't believe completely.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well it happens, not saying it to scare you but unfortunately it is a reality you need to be aware of and prepare for

thus you need to remain vigilant for some time to not only protect yourself but to also heal if he isn't continuing the affair as helps build trust when you see what he does matches what he says


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Around here it seems to be par for the course.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Hmm. good to know, but man that sucks! How in the hell can a BS even think about R again! I really don't know if I could try again if it does happen


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Never, consider that it doesn't really matter how often it happens to other people (it happened to me btw, along with 3 and 4 before I left), what matters is YOU. You only get to control you. Try and put the focus back on yourself. What do you want from the relationship? What are your boundaries and how will you enforce them? If one or two is a deal breaker for you, what are you going to do to move forward?

It's really common to get stuck in a cycle of What Will They Do Next? By all means use your VAR and trust but verify, but try also to put your energies into self care and figuring out what you need right now, and if those things are being met.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

As others have said, it's more common than anyone would like, but the response to it is 100% up to the individual going through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

LanieB said:


> That's what a lot of people think - until it happens to them. It really just depends on your circumstances. Kids, financial issues, etc, etc. If my WH and I didn't have kids and a business together, I'd be out of here in a heartbeat with no looking back.
> 
> FYI - I've had 2 D-Days - and I was just as concerned as you are right now after my first D-Day. I knew my husband was in love with the OW, therefore, I was absolutely sure he would take the affair underground. And he did. When I got evidence (w/VAR), I kicked him out and filed for divorce. Since then he talked me into letting him come back home. And it's really not going well. I hadn't found this site before all of this happened to me.
> 
> All I can say is I'm sorry you're in the same predicament. This really sucks. So far in my life, this is the absolute worse thing that's ever happened to me - and I've had some pretty awful things happen to compare it to.  At least you found this site, and you're in good company with others who really care and can sympathize. I hope for your sake there isn't a D-Day#2. #1 is bad enough.


 It really is one of the worst things to ever happen to me in my life. It is up there with my 5th and last baby dying the day before he was to be born 

I am pretty confident that if I find out it is going on, I will leave him , do the 180, and he can figure out how to save it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I would think it is about 100%, first my wife wanted closure with the OM so she could feel like the left it like friends. She did not want to believe she was just being used as a sperm receptical by the guy.

Second my wife met him again because she could not believe that they were not friends. I found the eamils and a bunch of this came out in MC


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

If anything, just one D-Day seems to be more like an exception from the rule.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

mahike said:


> I would think it is about 100%, first my wife wanted closure with the OM so she could feel like the left it like friends. She did not want to believe she was just being used as a sperm receptical by the guy.
> 
> Second my wife met him again because she could not believe that they were not friends. I found the eamils and a bunch of this came out in MC


How did you handle it? I'm not really sure how I would, but am trying to prepare myself.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Not well. I told her to get out on DD2 and she was out for about two weeks. On DD3 she admitted to that in MC and the whys. I was pretty worked up about it and ready to call it quits. 

My wife went into IC at that point. It was not pretty. DD2 and 3 I really believe did not involve any PA and that was based on what I found and how she came clean. She was pretty torn up when she found out she was just a piece os a## for him.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Very common, most of the time the BS gets the idea they're through the thick of it, don't lay down the law and get lax. 

Then another late night, or bullsh!t story and DDay two makes its arrival in short order.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

All too common. My guess is because the WS does not believe there is a risk to the marriage (i.e. the BS will not hold them really accountable) if caught again. And unfortunatly, that is also all too often true.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

My belief is unless real consequences is put in place during DD 1; DD 2will happen more times then not. Affairs are very powerful and very addictive.... to some it is everything they needed. You have to kill it totally the first time.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

The bishop said:


> My belief is unless real consequences is put in place during DD 1; DD 2will happen more times then not. Affairs are very powerful and very addictive.... to some it is everything they needed. You have to kill it totally the first time.


More importantly, your WS MUST believe that you will follow though. If they believe that the risk of follow through is low, DD 2 is certain. The question really is, does your WS view you as a weak personality who will not follow through.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> More importantly, your WS MUST believe that you will follow though. If they believe that the risk of follow through is low, DD 2 is certain. The question really is, does your WS view you as a weak personality who will not follow through.


Hmm not sure. But I think he does know that I am serious because I have told him several times, that if he lies, breaks NC, or starts it up again with her or anyone, I am done. And I do mean it. I will pack up our 4 kids and move.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

LanieB said:


> Oh, I am so so very sorry about your baby.  In a way, that just makes this even worse in my opinion. After all we've been through that was horrible enough - an affair is yet another level of horrible altogether because it is committed by the one person in the world who is supposed to love you.
> 
> Stay strong, NeverMore. Be stronger than I am. My thoughts are with you.


Thank you.Yeah that was beginning of 2011( baby passsing), he started his first affair that coming winter, second started this past July and went on for 6 months. I learned about both A at the same time, otherwise I would have been gone by now. What he has done I place right up there with the death of our sweet little baby as horrible. I mean I have been through everything with this man, death of a child, job loss, foreclosure, bankruptcy, and he decided to throw in affairs too because clearly I wasn't suffering or stressed enough as it is.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

As you defined it, I’d say that’s more of trickle truth and broken NC. For the first couple weeks and up to a month, it’s extremely common while the fog clears. 

For the most part, in my definition of DD, it’s a new discovery that alters your reality and perceptions. By that I mean you have the initial shock and discovery... then a substantial period time passes where you start believing... then make a new discovery and go through it all again: The reality you were just starting to accept and figure out how to cope with is shattered again as yet another fable you believed. 

The more DD’s you have, the less able you are willing to trust the version you have is final edition versus just another fable. It does get to the point where even the truth isn’t accepted or seen as anything more than just another fable with alternate endings... And you end up with the insane buggers like me talking about "surreal marriages" and altered "realities of perceptions."


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Racer said:


> *[/As you defined it, I’d say that’s more of trickle truth and broken NC. For the first couple weeks and up to a month, it’s extremely common while the fog clears.
> 
> For the most part, in my definition of DD, it’s a new discovery that alters your reality and perceptions. By that I mean you have the initial shock and discovery... then a substantial period time passes where you start believing... then make a new discovery and go through it all again: The reality you were just starting to accept and figure out how to cope with is shattered again as yet another fable you believed.
> 
> The more DD’s you have, the less able you are willing to trust the version you have is final edition versus just another fable. It does get to the point where even the truth isn’t accepted or seen as anything more than just another fable with alternate endings... And you end up with the insane buggers like me talking about "surreal marriages" and altered "realities of perceptions." *


*

See if that's the case then I guess I will most likely be leaving him once I gather evidence. Should the 180 be used if they are TT'ing and break no contact? or do most BS's just wait patiently, yet agonizingly?*


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

It only really happens when you did not handle your first D-Day right. You likely made threats that you refused to follow through on, or you let hysterical bonding build a false sense of security. We rush it because we want to feel normal again, but we have to earn that back. And sometimes, you simply should have just ended it after the first time.
Anytime you take back a cheater you are gambling with your heart, some are worth it, most aren't.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

i guess after the first d day, i thot there was def. a chance it could happen again. with the remorse she showed tho, u try to convince urself that "she would never put me thru that again", but then I found out other things that had developed and bam, just like that shes at her dads and we will be moving forward with divorce. She has ruined me thats for sure. I now have to do wats best for myself and my little guy. We had the house and marriage that anyone could have asked for, but it didnt matter to her. Once they check out of the marriage, theres nothing u can do , but file.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Update:

Well DDay 2 was yesterday. I put the VAR in his car and sure enough, last night before coming home, he went and saw her. They didn't have sex that I heard. He was talking to her calling her babe and telling her she shouldn't be drinking since she was bleeding so much, oh yeah ... he didn't tell me she was pregnant with his child of course, so she says, and is currently having a miscarriage. And my-oh-so-smart husband I am sure probably hasn't even bothered to have her prove she was pregnant or that she is having a miscarriage. But man!! can that dude lie!! I just stood there asking over and over again,"tell me the truth, who were you talking to today?", he finally admitted it after I played the recording for him, but still took him another 10 times of me asking. I surprisingly, and calmly told him I was done and he IS every bit the LIAR he says he isn't and I am done and leaving, trying to get a plan together as to where I am going to go or if I will make him leave instead. I don't care about the house, too many bad memories and its in foreclosure anyway. I came back( after leaving him the first time I found out about the cheating) to work on "us" beginning of Januaury and he's been talking to her ever since I got back basically. Swears they are no longer together and haven't done anything, rrrriiiggghhhttt.........


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry. But, now you don't have to wonder if he is indeed the POS he was the first time he cheated. He needs to leave. Tell him to pack up today-or do it for him. If he refuses call his family and friends and tell them he needs help packing. Also, you can call the cops telling them you don't know or trust him anymore, so you feel unsafe around him. He can go stay with his maybe baby mama.

Go see a lawyer this week, it will allow you to start taking control of your life. After he leaves pull a hard 180. Again. I'm sorry for your pain.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

LanieB said:


> So sorry, NeverMore. But at least you know for sure. NOT knowing is worse, I guess . . . . Make HIM leave immediately. Even though your house is being foreclosed on, you should be the one who can take her time to find another place, whenever that needs to happen. If he balks, throw all his belongings out by the curb - where he belongs. Call everyone you both know (friends and relatives) and tell them what he's done. You need support around you now, but you're going to be fine. Imagine how much better your life is going to be without such a loser in it. It's a fresh start for you. No more having to put up with a cheating liar. And, of course, see a lawyer ASAP.
> 
> I wish you well, and I'm sending you (((HUGS))).


Oh trust me I AM so much happier already, I have been fighting tooth and nail to save our marriage and I can hold my head high and know I tried, he can't say the same. I am so excited to be getting my life back. As much as I love him, I feel a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders of not having to deal with him as much anymore!! :smthumbup:


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

NeverMore said:


> Well DDay 2 was yesterday. I put the VAR in his car and sure enough, last night before coming home, he went and saw her.


Sorry to hear the news NeverMore. I honestly applaud you for being proactive in your search for the truth. Dday2 took me by surprise and was worse than the first in many ways. I think the fact that you weren't taken in will help you heal. 

You did well, I'm sure things will work out for you. 

I wonder how and why cheaters develop that 'must lie at all costs' mindset, even when confronted by something like your recording. It's pretty damn sick.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I hope we don't delude ourselves if a DD2 comes. By then I think a WS is so invested in themselves for the underground A or to take another risk in having a new A, that the 180 will have no effect and the rigor-mortized marriage can be officially declared dead and buried.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Ok, so I am back with an update, hope no one berates me, as this is so hard. After posting on the 14th of march about dday 2 I was all set to leave, but my place to stay fell through. So I decided to stay and WH established NC through FB then deleted her and blocked her. Things were going ok, good days and bad of course. On Easter I spent the day with his family and he chose to go to his friends. The next Saturday he confessess to me a lot more of stuff he'd been TT me about and that he gave her a handmade bracelet he made on Easter. He used his secret FB account he thought I didn't know about to message her and then quickly deleted because he realized(a little too late) it was wrong. I of course said WTF? Do you not understand what NC means? That's direct and indirect, he kept syaing it was a mistake, but he planned it out for two days and lied to me about it for 4 days. 
Things have been going ok since then and he seems remoresful and understands what he did was wrong recently, but I feel he is just so lost. He doesn't understand what appropriate boundaries are, not just with her, but in general. For example, he thinks it's ok to have his friends who are girls sit on his lap occasionally just playfully, and thinks he can't be himself because I would be bothered by that. I told him he need to look deep down and think why he is like that, and why he feels he needs physical contact in order to feel good and to feel loved, but not just by me, by others too. Apparently, he actedthis way with other girls he was dating too, not just me, which is why I told him, he needs to get help. He had a bad childhood and represses a lot of his feeling of abandonmnet and worthlessness by not dealing with them and repressing them. I told him he needs counseling to get to the root of his problems and he is in individual counseling for our issues. I am not excusing his actions at all, just trying to give insight as to why he acts like this, even though HE thinks it is ok. I guess he talks about his issues, which he has never really done before in life, and he says after he talk with the therapist he just feels worse about us and misses her more, even though he doesn't want to. The therapist specializes in addiction therapy and my husband is a sex addict, serial cheater, and border line narcissist with huge child abandonment issues. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

It happened to me, though all with the same partner and over the course of a month. Whether it's technically trickle-truth or multiple DDays, it all felt the same to me, and each blow landed with more intensity than the last. Through it all she said she loved me and was confused, wanted to "live in the moment," and fought tooth and nail to keep both myself and the other man in her life. She even had us meet - before I knew anything - and must have been quite satisfied with the imaginary harem of men she'd assembled. At first she told me there was no one else and she just wanted an open relationship, wanted to explore, live in the moment as mentioned above. I knew something was happening to cause this thinking. I waited a few days and pounced (with little evidence) when I saw weakness in her face on DDay 1:

DDay 1, found out she was having an emotional affair with the man I suspected, and he had kissed her on the cheek/forehead, so it was crossing into the physical realm. We had it out, then I left the house for several days and told her I needed to think. She said she did as well.

Dday 2, after we'd spent ~2 weeks mostly apart, I found out it had gone much further than she had originally told me and it had continued during our break. (Noteworthy: During the 2nd week, she spent time at her friend's and had already promised everything was over and she knew 100% she wanted me. The purpose of that week in her words was a "relationship workshop" to fix herself and our relationship to make me happy.) She came back, told me what was really happening, and we began to work though things. 

Dday 3 (~a week later) - I caught her breaking (or justifying breaking) her no contact with the OM via texts. I was furious and made it clear what I meant when I said no contact. She said I was right and that she had just misunderstood me, promised it was over, and they'd not speak again. The next day:

Not a Dday, but a day of reckoning: She had the balls to suggest she didn't know if she could be with me if I wouldn't let her keep her "friend," as she said she had now learned appropriate boundaries and needed to prove it to me. This "ultimatum" from her came on our 13th anniversary. I was done. I showed her the door and began making inquiries to sell our house. I told her family, our mutual friends, and my own family - and of course the other man's wife. Her bull**** stopped instantly as the fantasy was shattered to bits.

She's been remorseful and supportive ever since while simultaneously fixing her own problems. Counseling, reading self-help and relationship books, intimacy, cleaning, cooking, etc... even the things she used to do and stopped, she now does. Some things she didn't used to do, positive things, she now does. And all the while I can't appreciate it much because it feels like too little too late, and much of that is likely due to how protracted the discovery period became due to the lies and her continued state of fogginess.

I'm still not 100% convinced everything is on the table, but I feel I'm close. Stay skeptical and do not allow hope to override your gut feelings or you'll get burned repeatedly like me. I never knew she could be so deceitful, abhorrent and cold. She wasn't herself until the illusion of her affair was broken. I of course had no way of knowing this, but the spell has to be broken, the WS has to take real steps towards reconciliation, and there must be something left to build upon for the relationship to be saved.


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