# I've Finally Reached the Point



## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

After all our fights and the years of misery, I've finally come to a place of peace... I'm at peace with leaving and I'm ok about it.

H keeps trying to make it all be ok...to hold our marriage together, but he just doesn't get it. We have peace in our home now, not because I want our marriage to work out and I'm trying to make life good(yet again falling into the same cycle over and over).... But instead, things are peaceful because I don't have the need or desire to fight with him anymore. If he wants contact with his exW, that's fine... I don't care who he calls, emails or sees... 
I've spent the last couple of years getting sicker and sicker because of all of the stress from trying to cope with things a wife shouldn't have to cope with. And now I'm done.

I had to be blunt with him last night since he refuses to accept the reality of our situation. I said I am in the process of finding a house and filing for divorce, and I intend to make the process as smooth and as easily as this can be for everyone involved. 
H was flabbergasted since we've had a couple of "nice" days recently. His idea of "nice" is where we're not yelling at one another and we peacefully coexist in the same house. 
I explained that it wasn't a 'great' day for me...it was just getting through the day without any wars raging between the two of us...and that a couple of peaceful days doesn't mean that our marriage is fixed. He couldn't grasp what I was saying.

There have been tremendous problems in our marriage and we've struggled to overcome them. One thing we've been working on has been the D.V. that's gone on... H admits there's a problem but despite trying to fix it, it still "happens". To me DV has always been the dealbreaker, but being we've spent so much time on our marriage and have had so many problems that weren't our fault, I've tried to work with it as best I could. However, after the last episode last weekend, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life waiting for him to get violent again...and I can't spend the rest of my life being afraid to yell back for fear of getting hit. I don't want to be afraid of my H for the rest of my life.

I realized that trying to tell him about wanting a divorce could cause him to get physical, but I can't lie to him or anyone... And despite our problems I do love him basically deep down, so for him to try to be affectionate and for me to be cold to him or be fake about getting a hug or kiss would be mean. I'm not a mean person... So I tried to be nice and explain why I wanted the divorce--because we're on two different places in life and we aren't going to synch up anytime. I want kids like *now*, and he wants to be done with raising kids. Basically, we aren't compatible.... 

H still is struggling to understand...thinking maybe I'm just crying wolf, and I'll get over being unhappy and life will go on again as it has been. But I can't go back to living this *thing*...this up and down ride. It goes around in a circle and I feel trapped and can't get out...We have ok times, and can be loving, but it always goes bad again. I just can't spend my life doing this.

I'm hoping he'll accept it soon and be able to come to terms...


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I think we all saw this coming. You can't have an unresolved situation at home and just try to work around it. It doesn't work.

You wind up in a situation where you're constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make any mistakes for fear of a confrontation. This is absolutely the WRONG approach in solving any marital problems. This may be OK with one of the parties, but certainly the other is left with this internal turmoil.

When only one tries while the other refuses to acknowledge that there is a serious problem, this is the end result.

Sorry that it has come to this but sometimes it takes something like this to really jolt and wake up the other person. However more often than not, when the other person finally wakes up and tries to take the corrective measures, it's usually too late.

How's that saying go? "Too much water under the bridge"? Has it come to this point?

Time to take care of yourself and think about your worthiness and making yourself happy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are making the right decision.
Physical abuse is NEVER ok. 

And Kaui got it right: 

When only one tries while the other refuses to acknowledge that there is a serious problem, this is the end result.

SO TRUE


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"Extremities" is a brilliant play.


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## JJD (Jun 8, 2011)

Domestic violence can never be justified. And unfortunately, if it happened once, it always has the possibility of happening again. 
I was sent to a training class on it once and they described it as a 
course of "coercive and restraining behaviors"... it is not always a physical assault but it can just be simply patterns that keep the one spouse from being themselves or enjoying happiness.

I was glad to hear that you have found peace and are moving on.

I have come to terms with the end of my own marriage so I do know exactly how you might be feeling right now.

Good luck with your decision and I sincerely hope that you find the happiness that you deserve.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your posts. It helps me...
JJD, you said exactly what I had been thinking...I'd been reading about d.v. and how it works, and my H has many of the behaviors that indicate someone prone to d.v.... He's incredibly controlling even with *my* money, and is very manipulative in any sense in order to get me to comply with his wishes.... I see how he is someone who has learned the skills necessary to be a batterer.
My mom didn't have the big psycho-babble words for it, but she knew he was just a "plain old bully"... She was right unfortunately.

I can see the cycle of abuse from all the books I've read and my own counseling, and I see how it is with us...and it will never change. Knowing that and accepting that as a reality has been a hard thing, but now that I can accept it on every level, it makes it that much 'easier' for me to follow through on the divorce. I had always hoped for change, and I worked hard for it, but I see he'll never change, and if it does it won't be enough...or even soon enough... So I am prepared to leave now....no hard feelings, no tears(today)...just a sense of purpose...of getting my life back in *my* control.


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