# Did he cheat?



## Mrs. right (Aug 2, 2013)

I have been with my husband a total of 9 years. We were together as an unmarried couple for 8 1/2 years, and were married October 2012. Our relationship has been great up until now. I had noticed on our cell phone bill in January 2013 his text messages jump from 150-200 hundred texts a month to 700, 800, 600 texts per month. I questioned it and he told me he had a work friend that would send him stupid forwards and all he did was delete them. I trusted him for a while until I found 1 text he had sent to this friend listed a "craig" that had sexual content in it. something about meeting in the hall at work and having his way with "him" but way more vulgar. however I did believe him because he and his friends do have a sense of humor that entails of that kind of talk (he works in a factory). I then started to follow my intuition and started checking his texts. I found the only person he was deleting the texts from was this craig from work. I questioned him again, and again, and he would lie each time until finally I asked him to prove to me that it was actually craig. He then confesses its not craig- its someone else from work named Amanda. He swears it was completely platonic, no physical or emotional affair what-so-ever, that his heart belongs to me, and it was just friendly chatter back and forth to break up the monotony of the day. I then requested for a text log from my phone company and sure enough most of his texting was to this woman listed under Craig. I then contacted the woman, and surprisingly she contacted me back stating she didn't realize their conversations were putting strain on our relationship and that she would never have an affair with a married man, and that SHE had been cheated on before and would never put another in that situation. She apologized and promised me she would respect my marriage and not contact my husband again. they have not contacted each other in about 3 weeks now.
I did ask my husband why he would send that sexual text to her, and he promised it was a one time deal and that he thought it was a joke- trying to treat her like 'one of the guys' at work and he said after he sent it he did feel terrible that he did it and never texted her like that again. 

can someone please help me figure out if this sounds like a legitimate friendship? or was it something more? the fact that he could lie to me for 6 months about this just breaks my heart.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's doubtful that it's innocent. The way you know this is he changed the name from Amanda to Craig, and deleted the text, and had texts of a sexual nature. 

But there is really no sense trying to talk to him and "prove" you are right. You just decide what is right and what is wrong and make rules for what you need in your marriage.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It was not a friendship, it was a thrill. The kind you get when you sneak around. Not healthy and no place for it in a marriage. Continue to monitor.

That said, have you read His Needs Her Needs yet? You need to.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah, the biggest problem I have with this is that he listed Amanda as Craig on his phone. If it was completely platonic, then there would be no need to list her in the phone as "Craig".

The fact is, he was hiding it. He was hiding the texts, the kind of relationship that they have and he was hiding HER!

Therefore, it tells me that he knew what he was doing and he knew that the kind of things that was said were WRONG! And he knew that.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and check for a throwaway phone.


----------



## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Friendship, nope....sounds more like ****ship to me. Do not believe any word of both of em. 
You have to dig deep into the lies, to find the truth.


----------



## Mrs. right (Aug 2, 2013)

He told me he thought I wouldn't approve of him having a female friendship, and that's why he hid the #. I guess I need to really re-evaluate my life choices with him. If I do try to forgive him how do you cope with the betrayal and sadness that he lied for 6 months?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A female friendship does NOT include vulgar talk about screwing each other in the hall. Even MALE friendships rarely do this.

You cope by setting rules that YOU will enforce in YOUR home and marriage. If he's not comfortable with the new rules - forced by HIS ACTIONS - then he's welcome to live somewhere else.


----------



## Mrs. right (Aug 2, 2013)

thank you turnera, I have set MANY ground rules for now until I decide to leave him or not. I have changed his phone # (but now I do worry about this throw away phone thing) he has agreed to limit all the #s in his phone a contact to people
I personally know as well, and I do have a way to check who he has contacted whether he deleted the convo or not, the only way to get rid of this log is to hard rest the phone. I basically said no freedom until I can trust that he will never do this to me again. which I don't know if that will ever happen


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yep, sorry, this is bad news. You're in for some sleepless nights as you decide how to monitor your husband.

Hiding people on your phone under another name is a HUGE red flag for me. HUGE.

What married man does this crap at work unless he is a pig. (Sorry) The reason the atmosphere is this way at where he works is not because it's a factory, it's because of the actions of people like your husband and this OW. 

Sorry, I'm in a mood today and I am so tired of people justifying and making excuses for actions that should have no excuses. 

Your husband is displaying extreme disrespect for you. Please pretend to forget about but secretly monitor your husband with a VAR.

I think a VAR would be a fast way to learn everything you need to know about what's really going on.

Don't be gas-lighted into thinking this is acceptable and she is just "one of the guys". UTTER B.S.!!


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He needs to be honest to himself and stop trynig to minimize this out of damage control.

Fake name and deleting them; total calculated deceit, he knew it was wrong itself, not because you wouldn't aprove female friends (the huge increment of texting, I asume most of them to this woman proves she was more than a regular friend, he needs to compare the numbers with the rest of his friends). He's blamshifting this, putting a image of you as irrational, jelous woman who wouldn't understand "their friendship".

He needs to own his stuff and stop pretending he didn't do anything wrong to avoid the consequences.


----------



## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Even IF he didn't cheat (big IF based on the things you've mentioned), he at the very least was being dishonest and disrespectful to you.

Are you sure he isn't contacting her? He changed her name in his phone once.

Honestly, if you find another text, I would be calling HR for his company. That is an inappropriate workplace relationship.

As for coping, I think that you may benefit from talking to somebody. There's going to be a lot of anger and sadness in the next few months.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

You could have just caught it at the beginning, or not. My wife started her EA/PA this same exact way with some guy at work. It took awhile to develop, a couple of months, but develop it did and lasted over a year. When I finally did catch on she denied everything and called it off immediately so I could never prove anything until she finally confessed a couple of months later. So they could have indeed called things off. But my WW was wanting to stop somehow anyway, so my discovery just gave her the push she needed. If I would have noticed earlier her knows how she would have reacted. Since your H still presumably works with her I would be very, very wary. If this is continuing you have pushed it underground. I would keep a complete open mind, anything is possible. But as been said already, changing names and deleting post is not a good sign. I would trust him about as far as you could throw him.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The big red flags for me are the hiding (changing name) and the sheer quantity of texts. Hundreds a month to this same person tells me that the very least was an EA.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

It would be rare for a married man to text another woman that much and for that long a period and it not be physical. You shouldn't take his word for it and you shouldn't take her word for it. At the very least it was and EA and heading toward a PA. But for now, considering the other red flags, you should assume that there is a good possibility that it was a PA.

You need to know this answer, because without it, you don't know what you're trying to forgive.

You can try to monitor him covertly going forward, but now he knows to be more careful, if he is continuing it. VAR is his car would probably be the best choice in this situation. 

Monitoring him may or may not give you the answer. If you don't find anything after two or three weeks, I recommend doing the following (or immediately if you don't won't to wait that long):

Insist that he take a polygraph

Insist that he send her a no contact letter

Insist that he removes all possibility of future contact with the woman. And yes, since they work together, that means either he or she quits the job. Most likely him. I would give him a deadline.

Expose him to your family and his family, and to the husband or significant other of the OW.

If he doesn't agree to all of this, I would talk to a divorce attorney, start the D process, and implement the 180 on him to detach (find the link here or google it).

If you think this is an over reaction, it's not. He's cheating on you whether it's and EA or a PA - and giving him consequences for that cheating is an absolute must.

Sorry about your situation. Please keep posting.


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Sorry you are here. I hope whatever the outcome is, you come out stronger from this ordeal.


1. Start snooping. Don't show him that you are looking into things. Buy VARs, and place them in his car, and in some place around the house where he might go for privacy.

2. Don't believe a word they say, they more than likely coordinated their responses already in case you suspect. So all you will get is this innocent 'we are just friends' crappola.

3. Tell your family, his family, and the OW's family, after you monitor the VAR recordings. Affair grows in secrecy. It is not a question of if anything is going on. It is a question of how much is going on. It is definitely a sensuous EA, and more than likely a PA. People don't just change a "friend's" name, or delete texts. We have seen this over and over again. This is typical cheater's script.

4. You will have to be prepared for the worst. You might have to divorce in case you find anything. Protect yourself financially and legally in case you have to divorce. Always carry a VAR on yourself, so that your WH cannot accuse you of any wrongdoing. It will also come in handy in case he confesses. 

5. Again, don't believe in words. Believe only actions. By his actions your husband has proved himself to be not trustworthy. Do you have any reason to trust him now? You will have to begin MC ASAP, once the VAR recordings are in and you don't find anything. In case you find something, you might want to contact the attorney. 

6. Your old marriage was build on shaky foundations and poor boundaries. No matter what you find, if you want to stay married to this person, you will need a new lesson in boundaries and what marriage is.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> The big red flags for me are the hiding (changing name) and the sheer quantity of texts. Hundreds a month to this same person tells me that the very least was an EA.


 That's true. You can't just keep calling each other 'sexy' and have no other conversation than what you'd like to do to each other for hundreds and hundreds of texts. They got to know each other.


----------

