# How to gain husband’s trust again after affair



## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

*....*

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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

bossanova said:


> I had a several months-long affair and that I ended a few months ago. My husband was devastated when he found out. He has threatened divorce and we are going through marriage counseling. We are getting along okay at home but we are not intimate at the moment, not surprisingly. I try to be as transparent as I can about my actions, but I have hurt him in many ways over the past year. I deeply regret cheating on him and would take it back if I could. He’s a great husband and an even greater man for sticking with me after what I’ve done. Nobody needs to remind me that I’ve behaved like a worthless ***** - I know that full well. What I am seeking are some tips on how to gain his trust again. Thanks.


You have to give him more than a few months Think in terms of years, if ever.

Who was your AP? Is he known to your H? Did your H find out or did you tell him?

Did you bring your AP to your home? Does your H know all that you did with OM? Things you don't do with H?

Did you disparage your H to OM? 

These are things that may weigh on your H's mind. And will determine if he can trust you again.

Don't expect miracles overnight.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

I'm not super enthusiastic about marriage counseling in these situations because most counselors have no idea how to handle infidelity situations and because you need much more guidance than "let's meet once a week for one hour or two with a stranger to air our grievances and that'll fix everything".

It's not a complete waste of time either...but it's just a small part of marital recovery. You really need to educate yourself and hopefully get your husband to read along as well about how to not just survive infidelity but actually make your marriage better than it ever was.

Most people that remain here don't believe that's possible {the people that achieve it simply leave}. But for some couples it's like a near death experience and they are able to come together in ways that otherwise wouldn't have likely happened. It's not that the affair was a blessing but more like Genesis 50:20 "You meant evil against me, but God used it for good.”.

It's late and I feel bad not being able to give you more information {especially knowing the likely responses you'll be getting from others tomorrow} so here's a great FREE guide written by a professional Christian marriage counselor to get you started FOUR RULES TO GUIDE MARITAL RECOVERY AFTER AN AFFAIR

If you are looking for more practical advice, dump your facebook and all social media. Don't make him wonder about anything you are doing on a computer or cell phone. Switch to a flip phone because an Iphone might make him uncomfortable everytime you use it with him wondering what you are doing. If you keep a smart phone --- dump all not traceable apps {dump snapchat, kik, etc). Don't delete anything EVER. Leave your phone unlocked and sitting out at night for him to pick up if he wants to inspect it. Maybe charge it overnight in the kitchen so he can look without having to feel like a creep snooping on his wife {this is important - he MAY act like he's not going to check up on you figuring by doing so he's not a weak man having to keep his wife on a leash - so make it REALLY easy for him to check up on you while not asking or demanding he actually do it - in the end you'll be holding each other mutually accountable and neither of you will have secrets in the marriage but for now- just be an open book and limit the pages of that book by disengaging from the outside world and being either with him or filling your time with completely non-suspicious activities {like reading a book or watching Netflix}. 

Are you in "No Contact for Life" mode??? How are you going to make sure that happens? What will you do if OM calls you or stops by your office? Just one conversation with him, no matter how innocent you think it is, will completely set trust back to zero minus infinity. Don't answer unknown callers not on your contact list. Set filters on your emails to block OM and don't open unknown emails that might be him and if one gets through, stop reading it immediately. Let your husband handle any communication with OM that just HAS to happen - like a response saying, "leave us alone or we'll be filing a restraining order".

Ditch any friend that supported your having an affair. They are not a friend of your marriage and family. 

If OM is around town - you might need to move. Willingly move if that's what your husband wants to do.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Your partner / your soulmate /your man in the fox hole will
NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN.

Sorry.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's better if you tell us the full story to get better advice. Who was the guy your and your husbands relationship with him, have you gone full no contact? Did you have sex? How much and where? Hopefully not in your house. Did you have friends that knew? Did they help you? Are they still your friends? Who else knows now? How did your husband find out? How long have you been married do you have kids? What are your ages, kids ages if you have them? Have you cheated before on anyone or your husband? Have you told your husband the full story? What is your situation now where are you staying now? Has he committed to reconcile with you? What about the sex if there was sex, does your husband know? Did you do sexual things for your affair partner you wouldn't do for your husband (this is most of the time a killing blow). I hope you didn't mention our AP size unless it was smaller (again something most men will not recover from.) Was their pictures, videos and did your husband see them (also a killing blow most of the time). Do you love your husband? Are you capable of love? 

This is going to be a long hard road for you. He may never heal fully. Your marriage will certainly never be the same. Most of the times we say the old marriage is dead, now you have a new one, with the affair partner in the marriage with you like a shadow in the room. And you husband now has a new partner one who cheated on him. Rarely you can have a better marriage but usually that is because the marriage was crap, but if he was a good husband like you say I don't think that will be likely for him. From reading, for most if you stay married to the person who cheated on you it never goes away you just learn to live with it. But they love their spouse, or they are afraid to leave, or they can't afford to leave, or maybe they don't believe in divorce. I know that is painful to read but it's just the way it is for most. Maybe you can have the better kind but it takes a hell of a lot of effort from both parties. 

That's because the devastation is immense, you probably have no idea and won't until you see years from now how it still affects him. Many people compare it to emotional rape, having been through it I agree. For men it emasculates them. For everyone it leaves them feeling out of sync and powerless in their own lives for a time. They are now through no fault of their own stuck in a marriage the would not choose (because of the infidelity) with a partner who they feel they don't know. Whom they will always doubt, fear they will cheat, and question if they truly love them. Or what their love actually consists of if you can be in love and still cheat. If you didn't have sex for some men that makes it easier. But if you did have sex affair sex is a REALLY big deal for most men.

I am not trying to be harsh but you need to know what you are in for so you can be prepared. Unless you lose a kid you will never go through a harder thing in your life. You are going to have to accept that this will be a terrible long road for him and you to some extent. He may decide after years that he can't do it which happens a lot. Unfortunately sometimes people have to kill their love for their partner as it's the only way to stop the pain and suffering. I say all this so you know what it is going to be like for a while. You who were supposed to be the one he trust most has probably hurt him more then anyone every will in his life. There is no getting around it. 

Don't romanticize your boyfriend/lover (I say that because that is what he is, yes it's tawdry and shameful but that is what affair relationships are). This was a man who helped destroy your husbands life (and you kids father and family if you have them), your co conspirator. If you want to save your marriage see him for the person he is. Someone who didn't give a damn about your husband/kids/family and truthfully even you as you are in this mess partly because of him. You and he stole your husband's wife. Your kids Mom and family. I can't emphasize this enough, even if you were Romeo and Juliette, you got to have those romantic exciting feelings at the expense of years of pain and life changing sorrow for you husband. Like emotional vampires. That is always how your husband will see this. It's important you get to that point and see it exactly the same way. 


Again this is all harsh but it's the truth. You need to see it for what it is so you never do it again. Most of the time people who cheat have a tendency to run away from hard things and consequences. It's part of why they are drawn to the fairytale of affairs. The first and probably one of the most important changes you can make is to not run away from the guilt and shame or the truth of what you did but accept it. If you do that will start the healing process for both of you. It will help your husband see that there is a possibility that you won't do it again. Yes you did this, and yes it's evil. But if you rug-sweep as we call it, if you don't want to see what it really is, he will never heal. And most of the time those relationships don't make it. Again honestly is always needed in a good marriage even if he honesty means being honest with one's self about who you were an what you did. 

I agree marriage counseling is probably not a good at least for a the short term. Also if you get a bad one often times it can end up ending the marriage because a lot of them put the blame on the one who was cheated on. Like he was not a good enough husband to prevent you from cheating, which is bull****. That can just be too much for the wounded party to get over. Talk about insult to injury. This is not his fault it's all on you. You were both in the same marriage presumably he didn't cheat. You should be in individual counseling to figure out why you were missing loyalty to a man who dedicated his life to you. Who you say was a great husband. You were selfish and you need to figure out why so you don't do it again. The first reason why is because you wanted to and you could. But there may be emotional and physiological problems that you will need to fix. After he is healed and you both have committed to the marriage (meaning a few years) then you can work on fixing the stuff wrong in the marriage. 

Read the book "How to help you spouse heal affair the affair", also "Not just friends" is a good one. Study them and follow them. In the end though I think you really can't help him heal only he can do that. Think of it this way, if you were stabbed in the back, and then the person who stabbed you took you to the hospital and sat at your bed, would that be the person you would go to to help you heal? Could that person really help you heal? No. All you can do is try to help him see you are safe. You can create conditions where it is easier for him to heal. Part of that is fixing you and being completely open. 

Finally don't stay out of guilt. If he were on here most of us would be telling him to move on. Most of us don't believe people change without monumental work. Because we have all read enough to know that most people don't change. If you do love him and want to stay with him then you have to do Olympian level work which will take years, lost of reading an learning, and lots of pain. Yes you are going to suffer for years from this mistake. Again harsh but you should know what you are up against. His will most likely be worse if he stays. If you don't think you can commit to that then leave him. He will hurt but he is already hurting, however he will heal faster in the long run. There are women out there who won't cheat on him. If you can't dedicate your life to being that kind of women let him find better.

Again this was probably not the post you were looking for, but I bet it's at least more of the post that you need.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You can never earn back the 100% trust ever again, it's how it is. And even if you do earn some of his trust back, it will be on his terms, there is no timescale, or magic solution. You may not even earn it back.

These are the consequence of your actions. Welcome to life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Have you both been STD tested?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@bossanova why did you cheat on your husband?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Boss, admitting your transgressions is the first step on that journey, and you will find people on here who have been in your shoes, your husband's shoes and both at the same time, the point being any advice we give is predicated on knowing what the posters have asked so we can answer your question. But that said trust once destroyed is difficult at best to regain at worse, never there.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Time and 100% honesty and transparency on your part is the best way to rebuild trust. Think about it, everything you say or do right now is suspect to him. He's blown away that the wife he thought he knew, he now realizes he has never known. He's questioning everything in your lives together. Even if you tell him this was your only affair, how can he believe that? It would help to know some details. Did you confess or did he catch you? Were you 100% honest about it or did you withhold information and trickle truth him? If you did confess, was it out of a sense of loyalty to your husband or was someone else going to tell on you?

If he's willing to stick around, that is awesome. Be humble, be patient, be honest. Let time pass. Be proactive about getting help on why you did this. If you don't work on yourself he'll wonder if you're just going to do it again. Obviously something within you is broken. You can't fix it yourself. You need help. Good luck.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Be transparent. Make sure he knows everything. Answer his questions truthfully, down to the hard acts.
Read the book "How to help you spouse heal affair the affair" - wisdom again from Sokillme.
Dedicate your life to him. Remember, If you want a future with him it's up to you to change, not him.
Become humble. Ask him "what can I do to help you heal".
Pray lots.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

bossanova said:


> I had a several months-long affair and that I ended a few months ago. My husband was devastated when he found out. He has threatened divorce and we are going through marriage counseling. We are getting along okay at home but we are not intimate at the moment, not surprisingly. I try to be as transparent as I can about my actions, but I have hurt him in many ways over the past year. I deeply regret cheating on him and would take it back if I could. He’s a great husband and an even greater man for sticking with me after what I’ve done. Nobody needs to remind me that I’ve behaved like a worthless ***** - I know that full well. What I am seeking are some tips on how to gain his trust again. Thanks.


Do you know what is broken inside of you that led to your behavior?

Until you have understood and addressed these problems, he would be right not to trust you.

Being a safe partner for him means identifying the root of your wayward behavior, then demonstrating through actions that those behaviors have changed.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> @bossanova why did you cheat on your husband?


Until you can answer this question you are not ready to truly earn his trust back.
If you don't know why, your fooling yourself and that will not help his mistrust.
This will go miles to fix trust issues.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

Malaise said:


> You have to give him more than a few months Think in terms of years, if ever.
> 
> Who was your AP? Is he known to your H? Did your H find out or did you tell him?
> 
> ...


Malaise - thank you so much for your reply. My AP was my drug dealer. I am a recovering prescription drug addict. My husband has never met him. My husband found out almost exactly a year ago when we were at his family’s house for Christmas. He had been suspicious and while I was napping, decided to read my electronic journal on my iPad which confirmed his suspicions. He told his entire family and mine immediately. I have not spoken with his family since.

I never brought AP to my home. I never did anything with my AP that I never did with my husband. I did disparage H to AP.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

bossanova said:


> Malaise - thank you so much for your reply. My AP was my drug dealer. I am a recovering prescription drug addict. My husband has never met him. My husband found out almost exactly a year ago when we were at his family’s house for Christmas. He had been suspicious and while I was napping, decided to read my electronic journal on my iPad which confirmed his suspicions. He told his entire family and mine immediately. I have not spoken with his family since.
> 
> I never brought AP to my home. I never did anything with my AP that I never did with my husband. I did disparage H to AP.


Did H know you were an addict before this? 

If not, he got a bigger surprise than an affair. He realized he didn't know you at all.
He found out you preferred a criminal to him. Was the AP doing drugs also? That made it worse.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @bossanova why did you cheat on your husband?


Part of the reason is that I was influenced by my severe active addiction. The biggest reason is that my husband and I had not been intimate for almost a year when my AP suggested that we become physically involved. I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type. He’s a convicted felon and has 5 children with 4 different women, and has never been married. He had a live-in girlfriend that eventually found out about our affair also and allegedly broke up with him because of it. 

My husband cannot he more different than this guy. He is a stable, well-educated and successful engineer. He’s a great provider. We are both 40 with no children and we don’t plan on having any.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Did you trade sex for drugs?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Mrs GP


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

bossanova said:


> Part of the reason is that I was influenced by my severe active addiction. The biggest reason is that my husband and I had not been intimate for almost a year when my AP suggested that we become physically involved. I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type. He’s a convicted felon and has 5 children with 4 different women, and has never been married. He had a live-in girlfriend that eventually found out about our affair also and allegedly broke up with him because of it.
> 
> My husband cannot he more different than this guy. He is a stable, well-educated and successful engineer. He’s a great provider. We are both 40 with no children and we don’t plan on having any.


Listen to how you describe your husband.

How do you think he sees his value to you?

How do you think that has impacted his self esteem?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Part of the his recovery will probably require you to fix things with his family, since that wall you created is going to spill over into your relationship with him. Obviously, you need to be off the drugs permanently and find something productive to fill in whatever gap in your life lead to the drug use. I'd also recommend a post-nup so he has an easy way out with real penalties for you if things don't work out. Remember that with your cheating and drug use you've set the bar pretty low for being a life partner and he can easily upgrade. So, what can you do to be an ideal life partner for him from now on? What does he want/need from a spouse that you could provide that you haven't up to this time in your life?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

The one positive that you have going for you is that you are at least trying to find out how to help your husband through this situation that you put him in.

It seems like it based on your posts, but have you gotten help for you addiction? That would be one good step for both you and your husband.

It is a big problem that he found out himself the way he did. In his eyes, if he didn't find out, what's to say that you would not be cheating on him right now?

Like many others have said, his trust in you is gone...not just for now, but for everything that you have every told him or he experienced with you. The lying has tainted everything he has about you and that is what you need to work on.

With no kids involved, ask yourself why he really wants/needs to stay with you. If there is a clear answer, then that is what you need to keep in mind.

Good luck.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

bossanova said:


> Part of the reason is that I was influenced by my severe active addiction. *The biggest reason is that my husband and I had not been intimate for almost a year when my AP suggested that we become physically involved.* I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type. He’s a convicted felon and has 5 children with 4 different women, and has never been married. He had a live-in girlfriend that eventually found out about our affair also and allegedly broke up with him because of it.
> 
> My husband cannot he more different than this guy. He is a stable, well-educated and successful engineer. He’s a great provider. We are both 40 with no children and we don’t plan on having any.


Is there anything within you that you need to work on?
Did your husband want to know details of the acts?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Bossanova

Has remorse hit you? Not regret, not I’m a worthless human being, but true regret? Even though you cheated, what scares me is you seeing yourself as worthless. If you are worthless you will find yourself doing this again. You have value, your job is to understand that you do and become a safe spouse. Until you can do this your husband won’t be able to trust at all. Second issue is you find your OM as very attractive, so being vile scum and enabling others to devalue themselves is attractive? Not only do you need to see value in yourself, you need to understand what attractive means. Pedaling drugs isn’t attractive, wrecking others lives isn’t attractive, look in the mirror to see what I’m saying.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bossanova said:


> Malaise - thank you so much for your reply. My AP was my drug dealer. I am a recovering prescription drug addict. My husband has never met him. My husband found out almost exactly a year ago when we were at his family’s house for Christmas. He had been suspicious and while I was napping, decided to read my electronic journal on my iPad which confirmed his suspicions. He told his entire family and mine immediately. I have not spoken with his family since.
> 
> I never brought AP to my home. I never did anything with my AP that I never did with my husband. I did disparage H to AP.


Man that's rough. So I am sure this time of year is very triggering for him. Christmas will never be the same for him. Is he still in contact with his parents? What was the fallout? Had you had drug addiction before? Are you sober? How long have you been married? What is your ages? Do you have kids? What did the journal say about the sex? Did is say that you liked it? That would be a lot harder. I assume this was completely a transaction relationship with the dealer. Meaning no love just sex for drugs no feelings involved? 

In his defense he has the additional worry of your drug addiction and knowing that if you do get hooked again you could prostitute yourself. That is a really rough thing to live with knowing how it's possible for addicts to relapse. I think the best you can do is just be open and show him everyday. Give him total access as well as the ability to track your phone. He is not being irrational in feeling this way. He may not even be being emotional about it. This is just a very hard thing. 

I'm sorry I don't have better answers.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bossanova said:


> Part of the reason is that I was influenced by my severe active addiction. The biggest reason is that my husband and I had not been intimate for almost a year when my AP suggested that we become physically involved. I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type. He’s a convicted felon and has 5 children with 4 different women, and has never been married. He had a live-in girlfriend that eventually found out about our affair also and allegedly broke up with him because of it.
> 
> My husband cannot he more different than this guy. He is a stable, well-educated and successful engineer. He’s a great provider. We are both 40 with no children and we don’t plan on having any.


So there was an attraction component. So then it was more then a transactional affair. That will make it much worse. Did he read about this in the journal? Sounds like you knew this guy well. How did you meet him?

I am assuming he is in better shape, physically? You were more attracted to him?


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

Malaise said:


> Did you trade sex for drugs?


No way. I was able to afford what he was selling. Although he wasn’t charging me as much once we got involved.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Listen to how you describe your husband.
> 
> How do you think he sees his value to you?
> 
> How do you think that has impacted his self esteem?


I can't actually think of a worse way to be described. 

Sounds like a safe wallet. No offense OP but I think most men would probably not get over it the way you describe it.

It would be like him having an affair and saying about you and his affair partner. She was a (S) word but she was so hot, had a hot body, my wife couldn't be any different she is a good Mom and cook. You need to understand that. Does he know you feel this way? What was in the journal? Did you write that kind of stuff in it? Did you write about the sex?

How long had you been married? What do you do for a living? How did you and your husband meet? Did you date men like this before your husband?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bossanova said:


> No way. I was able to afford what he was selling. Although he wasn’t charging me as much once we got involved.


OK so this is a run of the mill affair with a bayboy drug dealer. Who you were hooking up with while exploring your drug habit. :crying: 

Not sure if he will ever recover from that.

The problem is when a good man puts years of investment in being a good provider and his partner shows him that she values a guys because he is a bad boy more then her loyalty to him he loses. There is no way to fix that. The only way I see is when he comes to accept that he just chose the wrong women. He can't compete against that because the rules are not fair. He invested the sweat of his brow on your relationship and you give it away to a piece of garbage by most peoples assessment. It's like a junk bond. He invested all his money and someone else gets the reward. This being loyalty. 

As a good man I can't imagine continuing with my wife if she did something like this. Because in my mind she would just not be worth the effort. I am never going to be a bad boy drug dealer. If that is what she needs to get hot then she should go get it. There are women who don't need that. I am confident enough in who I am to know that I can find someone who feels that way about me. Our feelings about life would be too different. And frankly by your description of him


> I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type


 When the guy sounds like a gross gang banger just shows what you value. 

You husband means security. This guy means sex. That is too much for most men. 

I wish I had better answers. Someone who thinks like you is really a very big risk to a good man. Even if we are not boring we are not bad boys. It's like guys who date strippers, camgirl, or sex workers. Most normal women are not going to be able to compete with that, because the thinking is so screwed up. The rules of the game are not fair. In this case if the attraction for the guy is that the women's nature is hyper-sexual, then most women who have normal lives and cares don't stand a chance. So the same is true for them. The rules are not fair. 

I don't even know why I say all this as I am sure that is not helpful but at least you get an idea what he is feeling. No person in a marriage wants to be the safe choice. This will be in his mind now probably forever. 

It was really better when I thought was about you having sex for drugs. That one might have been recoverable. I feel for your husband.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

Listen to how you describe your husband.

How do you think he sees his value to you?

How do you think that has impacted his self esteem?[/QUOTE]

I know he feels like crap. Anybody would. I try to show him that I value him by spending time with him when he is home and paying attention to him, complimenting him, etc. He gives me the cold shoulder many times. He has/had a tendency even before the affair to shut me out emotionally when he is stressed. He went through a layoff and new job change last year which was huge for him. He already felt down on himself. And then he had to learn that his wife cheated on him with her lowlife drug dealer. I know, I know. A very sobering 
picture - no pun intended.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I'll assume your H didn't know you were an addict.

All at once, and at Christmas, he found out :

His wife was having an affair, had been for months ( how long ? )

Was an addict

Was having the affair with her dealer who was a convicted felon who had 5 kids with 4 women

How can he trust someone he didn't know at all?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

bossanova said:


> I know he feels like crap. Anybody would. *I try to show him that I value him by spending time with him when he is home and paying attention to him, complimenting him, etc.* He gives me the cold shoulder many times. He has/had a tendency even before the affair to shut me out emotionally when he is stressed. He went through a layoff and new job change last year which was huge for him. He already felt down on himself. And then he had to learn that his wife cheated on him with her lowlife drug dealer. I know, I know. A very sobering
> picture - no pun intended.


I don't see anything you've said so far as to what "I'm" going to do to work on myself.
It was you who broke things and only you can fix them. Find *remorse*, look in the mirror.
The best thing you can do for him is fix your emotional well being.
Or you will loose him, even if he stays.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> Part of the his recovery will probably require you to fix things with his family, since that wall you created is going to spill over into your relationship with him. Obviously, you need to be off the drugs permanently and find something productive to fill in whatever gap in your life lead to the drug use. I'd also recommend a post-nup so he has an easy way out with real penalties for you if things don't work out. Remember that with your cheating and drug use you've set the bar pretty low for being a life partner and he can easily upgrade. So, what can you do to be an ideal life partner for him from now on? What does he want/need from a spouse that you could provide that you haven't up to this time in your life?


Thanks for your feedback. I went to rehab in February and am in outpatient treatment. We are Christians who don’t believe in divorce. The post-nup is something I’ll discuss with him. At this point, I’m a horrible life partner for him. I really want to change that though.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

StillSearching said:


> bossanova said:
> 
> 
> > I don't see anything you've said so far as to what "I'm" going to do to work on myself.
> ...


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

Malaise said:


> I'll assume your H didn't know you were an addict.
> 
> All at once, and at Christmas, he found out :
> 
> ...


He did know. It really spiraled out of control in the last couple of years after I started buying from dealers. The affair had just started when he found out. My diary entry describing the sex was very illustrative I’m afraid. So he got a sense of my AP’s size and ability to satisfy sexually.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I cancelled a wedding because my fiancee was using hard drugs behind my back. Once I discovered it on my own, I blew up her world up. We are still together and actually much more closer than before. She's been sober from drugs and alcohol for over 4 months, which was the root of the problem. But I'll never trust her or anyone now. I'll always believe that all humans are liars and must not be trusted. It's the truth. We all lie to some extent. Some people just hide bigger lies. 

The only thing you can do is be transparent with everything. Especially with money. 4 months later, she saves a receipt for everything and must account for every cent that comes out of her bank account. Too easy to get cash at the store. He must know where you are at all times. Don't go on shopping trips or anything for more than a hour. His anxiety will eat him away. He must have access to your phone and electronics, email, accounts, etc. Did you change your phone number, delete all social media accounts, etc ? That should have been done.

Do you have any bad habits? Alcohol, nicotine? My girl still has a dependency on nicotine, chews the gum like it's candy. If anything, I wish she could show she has self control and stop it. She says she could stop if she wanted, but I don't believe it. If you have bad habits, show your H you have self control and can stop them. Because you want to. Because you want to be healthy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

sokillme said:


> OK so this is a run of the mill affair with a bayboy drug dealer. Who you were hooking up with while exploring your drug habit. :crying:
> 
> Not sure if he will ever recover from that.
> 
> ...


Agreed, I reckon he made the wrong decision to stay, it's obvious what OP is attracted to and he's not it. Despite all the transparency and desire to want to fix things from his wife, he has realised he's not what his wife wants, and the resentment will continue to build rather than trust. 
@bossanova

If you truly desire your husband over your AP you need to show him that, genuinely, but don't try to lie to him or just tell him BS to make him feel better. At this point of time, unless he's stupid, he's going to fit every word of yours into the jigsaw puzzle you put in his mind. If one piece doesn't click, he'll know.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

sokillme said:


> farsidejunky said:
> 
> 
> > Listen to how you describe your husband.
> ...


Fair enough. I’m not trying to justify what I did, merely stating the facts. I had a physical attraction to this guy. I wasn’t expecting him to come on to me. Some of the sex was described in the journal entries my husband read. My husband very quickly understood the difference between him and my AP, not just sexually, but obviously in terms of morality, lifestyle choices, etc. We had been married for 3.5 years when this first happened. I am a writer and photographer. H and I met online. I have never really dated the “bad boy” type since being an adult. My AP is someone I would have fancied in high school. So I definitely regressed to an immature teenage stage in participating in this affair.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bossanova said:


> He did know. It really spiraled out of control in the last couple of years after I started buying from dealers. The affair had just started when he found out. My diary entry describing the sex was very illustrative I’m afraid. So he got a sense of my AP’s size and ability to satisfy sexually.


This is probably the worst thing that can happen to a man I'm afraid. Most will not recover from this and stay in the marriage. It's just too much. 

I don't understand the idea that being a christian means you can't divorce this is not biblical. Matthew 5:32 Sounds like you have only been married 4 years. 

My advice is to let him divorce you and start over with someone new. I know that is harsh but both of you will have a better life. Some things in life just don't go away, you learn to live with them. You should at least have the conversation. Sounds like he stayed married to you because he thinks it's a sin not to. Not a good reason to be married and not a biblical one either. In a sense his false religious beliefs have trapped him. 

Again not the advice you were looking for but at least something you should hear.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not going to say anything with the intent to be mean or put you down or to rub salt in your wounds.

But I am going to be blunt and tell it like it is.

When I read your post, my mind flashed back to a an old episode of the Jimmy Walker Sit com from back in the 70s called "Good Times."

In one episode the school 'bad boy' and flunkee came home with JJ's younger brother to learn and I quote, "some straight A student "tricks"." 

When Michael pulled out his books and study material and started going over the subjects, the bad boy got upset and told him he was there to learn "straight A student tricks" and did not come there to study.

Michael then told him there were no "tricks" to being an A student. He went on to say that to be an A student, you had to go to class every day, pay attention to the teacher, read and review the material, turn in all assignments on time and study and learn the material and take the tests and answer all the questions accurately.

The flunkee didn't like the sound of all of that and stomped out.

I see this as the same thing. There are no "tricks" to get someone to trust you or any "tricks" to get a decent, honest, sober, educated and responsible person to honor and respect and accept you.

In order to have a healthy, happy and trusting marriage with a good person, YOU have to be a good person that is honest, responsible, sane, sober etc. . 

You have to be a good person that isn't a lying, sneaking, drug addict that gets her panties wet around a cheating, drug dealing, baby daddys.

IMHO you and your H are simply incompatible and it would be best for each of you to go your separate ways so you can each live your own lives that you each prefer.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bossanova said:


> He did know. It really spiraled out of control in the last couple of years after I started buying from dealers. The affair had just started when he found out. My diary entry describing the sex was very illustrative I’m afraid. So he got a sense of my AP’s size and ability to satisfy sexually.


:rofl:

Well now, as I suspected this is not just an issue with trust, you have pretty much destroyed him. Well done. Why you even bother now, seems selfish really, to save the marriage - does he even want that? If he does, he's a fool and seems to be slowly wising up and sooner or later you'll be kicked into the curb, unless he's a weakling. This will haunt him for the rest of his life with you in it. Quite frankly I reckon he deserves better and he will be happier without you.

You offer nothing to him but pain when another woman can offer him so much more. That's just the hard facts I see based on what has been revealed so far.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> I cancelled a wedding because my fiancee was using hard drugs behind my back. Once I discovered it on my own, I blew up her world up. We are still together and actually much more closer than before. She's been sober from drugs and alcohol for over 4 months, which was the root of the problem. But I'll never trust her or anyone now. I'll always believe that all humans are liars and must not be trusted. It's the truth. We all lie to some extent. Some people just hide bigger lies.
> 
> The only thing you can do is be transparent with everything. Especially with money. 4 months later, she saves a receipt for everything and must account for every cent that comes out of her bank account. Too easy to get cash at the store. He must know where you are at all times. Don't go on shopping trips or anything for more than a hour. His anxiety will eat him away. He must have access to your phone and electronics, email, accounts, etc. Did you change your phone number, delete all social media accounts, etc ? That should have been done.
> 
> Do you have any bad habits? Alcohol, nicotine? My girl still has a dependency on nicotine, chews the gum like it's candy. If anything, I wish she could show she has self control and stop it. She says she could stop if she wanted, but I don't believe it. If you have bad habits, show your H you have self control and can stop them. Because you want to. Because you want to be healthy.


Hi GuyinColorado, thanks for your feedback. I’m sorry you have had to experience being with an addicted partner. My H and I are both emotional eaters and have gained a lot of weight since getting married. Other than that I don’t drink or smoke anything. I have started exercising again and have been trying to encourage him to do the same.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not going to say anything with the intent to be mean or put you down or to rub salt in your wounds.
> 
> But I am going to be blunt and tell it like it is.
> 
> ...


Hi oldshirt, thanks for your feedback. I’m not trying to find an easy way or to “trick” him as you have suggested. H and I are actually very compatible as far as personality and lifestyle. I have let him decide if he wants a divorce but he is determined to reconcile.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Married 3.5 years and hadn’t had sex in a year? Who’s choice was that? Did he just expect you to remain celibate?

Your written comments on the sex, size and ability to satisfy are probably a deal breaker. It would be for me. But then ask yourself what you’re really getting by staying. No sex, a safe provider who doesn’t really do it for you. No kids, short marriage. Maybe it would be better to just move on while you’re still relatively young. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> bossanova said:
> 
> 
> > He did know. It really spiraled out of control in the last couple of years after I started buying from dealers. The affair had just started when he found out. My diary entry describing the sex was very illustrative I’m afraid. So he got a sense of my AP’s size and ability to satisfy sexually.
> ...


Thank you for your feedback RandomDude. I appreciate your brutal honesty as that is why I posted on this forum. Perhaps things will go as you say, perhaps not. I’m trying to do the best I can so they do not.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

Satya said:


> Have you both been STD tested?


Not yet. AP and I did use protection every time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This is really sad. I'm a strong Christian and I don't take divorce lightly, but I think you would be doing your husband a favor by divorcing him unless he believes he can't remarry. Then I think you should stay with him, but your focus really cannot be on saving your marriage or on making your husband happy or even on building his trust. Your focus should be on the Lord and letting the Holy Spirit take over your life entirely. Every nook and cranny so that you are walking in the spirit and not in the flesh.

If you are doing that, your life will change and you will be a trustworthy, good wife to your husband. You don't need to convince him of anything. That is a form of manipulation. What you need is to be a good woman internally. Your actions will come from who you are within. If you are a loving, respectful, trustworthy woman, your attitudes and actions will show that.

Are you reading the Bible and having a specific time set aside for prayer daily?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Are you attracted to your husband?


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Married 3.5 years and hadn’t had sex in a year? Who’s choice was that? Did he just expect you to remain celibate?
> 
> Your written comments on the sex, size and ability to satisfy are probably a deal breaker. It would be for me. But then ask yourself what you’re really getting by staying. No sex, a safe provider who doesn’t really do it for you. No kids, short marriage. Maybe it would be better to just move on while you’re still relatively young.
> 
> ...


I would say it was his choice. He has clinical depression and the job transition was tough on him. But even before that, he has always been moody and distant at times. Sometimes he can be mean and unpleasant. Last year was an especially long stretch of non-affection due to his stress however. 

I do love him and want to stay on the marriage. We were happy before I started buying drugs and everything just turned to s***. Then I made the worst decision of my life and decided to cheat. I really do love him and enjoy being around him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The best thing you can do is to let him go. The chances for him to recover from this is close to impossible, and now even though you recently mentioned he's determined to reconcile, based on what you have told us I do not think he is capable of moving past what he discovered. He is simply not the type who can, and if he wants to be able to, he would have to change what he is.

Sure he wants to reconcile, for now, as it will take time for him to realise himself how much damage you had actually done. He's holding on, tormented at the same time, and will be for the rest of his life seeing your face - the last part he simply doesn't know it yet.

Or, you can be merciful and stomp on his fingers. If I ever betrayed a woman like that, even if she wanted to reconcile, I wouldn't. There would be nothing else I could offer her but pain. It would be selfish of me to hold onto something that simply won't be the best for her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You both are obese. He has no self confidence. He too has no self control. That's why he's still with you. You both are enabling each other.

I agree, no sex in over a year in a 3 year marriage is a sham. Just end it and move on. You both aren't happy and haven't been for some time. Why did you two even get married?

Not every marriage should be saved. Religion makes people do dumb and silly things. Don't stay in it because of a religion that you were most likely born into.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is really sad. I'm a strong Christian and I don't take divorce lightly, but I think you would be doing your husband a favor by divorcing him unless he believes he can't remarry. Then I think you should stay with him, but your focus really cannot be on saving your marriage or on making your husband happy or even on building his trust. Your focus should be on the Lord and letting the Holy Spirit take over your life entirely. Every nook and cranny so that you are walking in the spirit and not in the flesh.
> 
> If you are doing that, your life will change and you will be a trustworthy, good wife to your husband. You don't need to convince him of anything. That is a form of manipulation. What you need is to be a good woman internally. Your actions will come from who you are within. If you are a loving, respectful, trustworthy woman, your attitudes and actions will show that.
> 
> Are you reading the Bible and having a specific time set aside for prayer daily?


Hi CynthiaDe. Both my husband and I are against divorce. I agree that I need to be transformed by the Holy Spirit. That has been tough for me the last decade. I am doing daily readings but prayer has been a struggle. H and I have not been to church for almost 2 years now. We are prettt isolated. My family lives nearby. H is from another country.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

bossanova said:


> I really do love him and enjoy being around him.



Count me among the skeptics on this. Nothing you’ve written supports this. He’s a good provider and you feel guilty and obligated but that’s not love. He doesn’t really turn you on. And if he did, no way would you accept his treatment before and after your affair. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bossanova said:


> Not yet. AP and I did use protection every time.


A never-married, cheating, drug dealing, baby daddy with half a dozen kids with a handful of different mothers and a cheating drug addict banging her dealer for her next hit using protection??????

For anyone that buys that, I have some prime swamp land for sale at a great price that is guaranteed to appreciate a hundredfold in time for Christmas for you.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Are you attracted to your husband?


Yes very much so. Even with his 80+ pounds weight gain. I think everything he does is adorable. But when he is moody he rejects me.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Are you more attracted to the drug dealer than your husband? Is the sex better with the drug dealer? And if so, was it a lot better?

Why no sex for a year with your husband? No kids, no sex, why stay married? You can be friends without being married and can each find someone you find sexually attractive as a spouse.

Do you stay together only because you don't believe in divorce because of your religion?

How many times did you go back to the drug dealer after your husband caught you cheating on him?

The more pain you inflicted, which is not the worst I've seen but still pretty bad, the longer it will take to earn his trust. 

Earning trust is a simple thing. It's not complicated. All you do is show yourself in word and deed that you are honest, sincere, genuine, and you love your husband and are committed to him. It will take a long time because he is your safe wallet. If he was a loser, no money, no options, then it would be easier to believe you wanted him. As it is, he might wonder if you stay with him because you live him or just that he is only the best option. Really, the drug dealer, even if you were single, is not a guy you could have a public relationship, where you let your friends, family, colleagues know you are with him.

Spending time and complimenting is nice but ineffective. You've figured this out, no? He read your real feelings. He knows you are not sincere. Compliments? Talk is cheap. Unless you can somehow figure out how to genuinely start finding him sexually attractive, I don't think things will improve much. Words won't cut it. It's how you act that tells the truth. You know this, right?

Spending time with him? I spend time with my old uncle in the nursing home. We talk and watch TV, we compliment each other. I don't need that from my wife. I need that AND. What do you do when you spend time with your husband? The AND is the important part.

Also, I get the engineer anti-social picture. I don't know if that is revisionist history from a cheater or actually has a nugget of truth. You are trying to say you want the marriage but it seems pretty clear you like your husband like a brother. He's a great guy, you just wish he could rev your engine. All good except that. That's the missing ingredient here. That and your resentment, if the dead bedroom was almost all on him. 

He has his faults. And your feelings are. Not right, not wrong. You feel how you feel. You say you weren't happy before this. You had great sex that you never had with your husband. I'm filling in the blanks, I figure you'd post certain info if it was there.

What do you want out of your life, your future, your goals, your dreams.? How does that figure in to your husband. 3.5 years is kind of short to have an affair. 2.5 years is kind of short for no sex.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> bossanova said:
> 
> 
> > Not yet. AP and I did use protection every time.
> ...


No it really is the truth. There’s no incentive for me to lie on this forum. I wouldn’t have posted at all, for what is the point of that.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

bossanova said:


> he did know. It really spiraled out of control in the last couple of years after i started buying from dealers. The affair had just started when he found out. My diary entry describing the sex was very illustrative i’m afraid. So he got a sense of my ap’s size and ability to satisfy sexually.


omg 
Sorry he will never get over that....
*And you girls had us convinced it was a myth*


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> bossanova said:
> 
> 
> > He’s a great husband and an even greater man for sticking with me after what I’ve done.
> ...


Hi Rhubarb thanks for your honesty. I disagree that he’s not a great man. He’s suffered much and is doing the best that he can to cope with it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bossanova said:


> Hi Rhubarb thanks for your honesty. I disagree that he’s not a great man. He’s suffered much and is doing the best that he can to cope with it.


And he will suffer more unless you let him go.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> You both are obese. He has no self confidence. He too has no self control. That's why he's still with you. You both are enabling each other.
> 
> I agree, no sex in over a year in a 3 year marriage is a sham. Just end it and move on. You both aren't happy and haven't been for some time. Why did you two even get married?
> 
> Not every marriage should be saved. Religion makes people do dumb and silly things. Don't stay in it because of a religion that you were most likely born into.


Hi GuyinColorado, you are right in that both of us feel like crap about ourselves and our bodies. We both let ourselves go after getting married. Together we have gained about 150 pounds. Very bad. Our sex life declined considerably after our weight gain. I know our lives would greatly improve if we could lose the weight and get in shape again.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> bossanova said:
> 
> 
> > Hi Rhubarb thanks for your honesty. I disagree that he’s not a great man. He’s suffered much and is doing the best that he can to cope with it.
> ...


RandomDude He is free to leave. He has not yet.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bossanova said:


> RandomDude He is free to leave. He has not yet.


That's not good enough, as I mentioned here:



RandomDude said:


> The best thing you can do is to let him go. *The chances for him to recover from this is close to impossible, and now even though you recently mentioned he's determined to reconcile, based on what you have told us I do not think he is capable of moving past what he discovered. He is simply not the type who can, and if he wants to be able to, he would have to change what he is.
> 
> Sure he wants to reconcile, for now, as it will take time for him to realise himself how much damage you had actually done. He's holding on, tormented at the same time, and will be for the rest of his life seeing your face - the last part he simply doesn't know it yet.*
> 
> Or, you can be merciful and stomp on his fingers. If I ever betrayed a woman like that, even if she wanted to reconcile, I wouldn't. There would be nothing else I could offer her but pain. It would be selfish of me to hold onto something that simply won't be the best for her.


The best thing to do is pull the plug yourself. If you want the best for him, that's what you have to do.

But is it really about him? Or is this a case of you not wanting to lose what *YOU* have?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Boss,

here are my concerns

for you it is centered around your addiction, my concern is you replacing one addiction for another...emotional eating is one but trying to fix a relationship can be another...or any other things...so as part of your recovery are you examining what you need to do so as not to slip into another addiction or go back to the drugs?


as for your husband, 
1. it seems he is the type to shut down rather then open up and that is not good either for your relationship or his health. is he in individual couseling.
2. Any man on here will tell you the same thing...to read that how your wife was sexual satisfied by someone else (whether that be size or performance) is disheartening and potentially depleting to the point you see no or little value in making love to your spouse. Knowing that you have never heard those words about yourself from her before and now read it about another....i am not sure that is completely recoverable to be honest. 
3. his self worth....not sure of the timeline to all of this but he loses his job (his reason for getting up in the morning) then finds out that his wife has an addiction and cheating (his reason for coming home at night) 

Going back to you

your in your 40's how are you going to address the issue if your husband can no longer get intimate with you, because of what he read....can you handle that being roommates for the rest of your lives?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> That's not good enough, as I mentioned here:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That’s how you can tell her level of love. Whether she does what’s best for him or for her. She stays for selfish reasons. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bossanova said:


> Both my husband and I are against divorce.


"Against divorce" does not mean that a marriage is right. 

All one has to do to remain legally married is to simply not file the paperwork to divorce.

It does not mean that the marriage is healthy, happy or the right thing to do or the right way to be.

This is actually kind of a catch 22.

If you H keeps his cheating, drug addicted wife around and continues to support and feed her while not having a sex life or getting any poon from her - he will prove himself as a weak, pathetic, "nice guy" who is so desperate as to be easily manipulated and exploited.

This will cause you to lose more respect for him and in turn lose even more attraction and desire for him. 

This will make the drug dealers and cheaters and baby daddys even more tempting and titilating and irresistible.

This is kind of a no-win scenario. 

If he dumps you, you starve or die of an OD in some back alley. 

If he keeps you, you lose any semblance of respect or desire for him and continue your drug addiction out of boredom and desperation and continue to bang drug dealers. 

So far the only consistency you are showing is using men to provide for both your basic survival needs and your addiction to drugs and sexual excitement.

Your only shot at long term health and well being here is to get yourself back in rehab, get clean and sober and get a self-supporting job and learning to live and thrive independently on your own two feet.

Once you can accomplish that, then you won't need to rely on weak, pathetic men to house and feed you that you have no respect or desire for, and won't need to bang drug dealing roaches of the underworld for your drugs and sexual needs.

Once you become an honest, sober, self-supporting and functional member of society, then you can stand a chance of finding an honest, decent man that you also desire and respect.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

bossanova said:


> RandomDude He is free to leave. He has not yet.


I agree with you, he is free to leave ....... but he hasn't yet because he's a doormat. That's common with overweight guys because they think they have no options. He should hit the gym hard and start sticking up for himself. You can tell him I said so, and I'm an ex-doormat so I know of what I speak. Even if he wanted to stay married to you, he is now negotiating from weakness which is always a bad move.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

StillSearching said:


> omg
> Sorry he will never get over that....


His friend time will most certainly help him get over it. That doesn`t mean the marriage will survive though. 

Welcome to the forum bossanova. If you are Christian, may I suggest branching off to the charismatic part of Christianity. Your husband and yourself are being plagued by ailments that are bigger than your love for each other, your religious beliefs, and anything that would work for you to conquor what plagues both of you. 

You need the Holy Spirit to liberate you. That is the strength of the charismatic movement. The Holy Spirit is very strong in this movement and very generous with His gifts as well. You need healing fast. Your husband needs healing fast. Once that happens, your marriage stands a good chance of making it til death due us part. Not because of religious convictions but because your love and devotion to one another will be so strong and solid that nothing else will break you two apart. You will truly be one!

If your particular Christian denomination doesn't have the Charismatic branch, seek another Christian denomination similar to the one you attend and find the help you need. It will be worth it because you will get healed much faster once you two are liberated and the Holy Spirit dwells within both of you. Once you are spiritually healed, you can return to the Christian denomination you are more comfortable with. 

I joined the charismatic movement a bit over 30 years ago. I learned and got healed very quickly, but it was not a good fit for me long term. There is too much power given to us humans by the Holy Spirit and with that power comes a huge responsibility. I was overwhelmed, most of us are.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

rhubarb said:


> i agree with you, he is free to leave ....... But he hasn't yet because he's a doormat. That's common with overweight guys because they think they have no options. He should hit the gym hard and start sticking up for himself. You can tell him i said so, and i'm an ex-doormat so i know of what i speak. Even if he wanted to stay married to you, he is now negotiating from weakness which is always a bad move.


mmsl! Ftw!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bossanova said:


> Hi CynthiaDe. Both my husband and I are against divorce. I agree that I need to be transformed by the Holy Spirit. That has been tough for me the last decade. I am doing daily readings but prayer has been a struggle. H and I have not been to church for almost 2 years now. We are prettt isolated. My family lives nearby. H is from another country.


Daily readings? Does this mean you are reading directly from the Bible or you're reading something that has a scripture and commentary? It is necessary for you to open your Bible and read it every single day. There is no specific instruction given about how much time we should spend daily, but it should be enough for you to get to know it well. If you are an average reader, you should be able to get through the entire Bible every year if you read for 15 minutes per day.

Prayer is not about how we feel. If you aren't praying, you are not going to get anywhere. The idea of prayer is not to ask for something from God, but to align yourself with his will. I recommend you start by reading the Psalms and start writing down prayers from what you see there. Sometimes it's easier to write a prayer and read it off. It works well for me. I have a binder of prayers. It keeps me focused. I change it as necessary and keep it updated.

This is not about feelings. It is about your mind, will, and emotions being directed towards the divine. It's not about you figuring it out or fixing it. It's about aligning yourself with God and allowing him to move through you for your benefit, the benefit of others and his glory.

I recommend that you read "Switch On Your Brain: The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health," by Caroline Leaf. Here's a link: https://smile.amazon.com/Switch-You...1&keywords=caroline+leaf+switch+on+your+brain


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> *His friend time will most certainly help him get over it*. That doesn`t mean the marriage will survive though.
> 
> Welcome to the forum bossanova. If you are Christian, may I suggest branching off to the charismatic part of Christianity. Your husband and yourself are being plagued by ailments that are bigger than your love for each other, your religious beliefs, and anything that would work for you to conquor what plagues both of you.
> 
> ...


I agree that faith in God is about all that can save their marriage.
But no offence.....you're a female and member size and satisfaction from it, he will not get over or forget.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Short answer: Transparent, exemplary behavior on your part, continued sobriety, and time. There are no shortcuts.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

This is a horrible story and one that isn't likely to gain you many friends here on TAM. It hits on many of the themes that get discussed here often:

1) Here we have the woman who craves bad boy sex but marries the "safe" guy

2) Here we have the BF with a larger penis who is also better in bed

3) Here we have the wife and husband who have low self esteem due to weight gain

4) Here we have the Christian who is against divorce but yet is a (former) drug addict and has committed adultery.

5) Here we have a wife that writes of her sexual exploits in graphic detail, where her husband can later find it

6) Here we have the wife who is remorseful but who doesn't really know what that means

So, expect quite a lot of negativity here. Instead of addressing the many issues we may have with the above, I'll try to jump straight to your question. As I understand it, you love your husband and you want to know how to fix this.

First off, you cannot fix this. You can work to make your marriage better though. You can work on your thought process. You can lose weight. You can help him lose weight. Mostly, you need to identify your lack of willpower and figure out how to fix your boundaries. You need to address what it is you really want out of life and work to make it happen. Do you want your safe husband or a bad boy with a great penis? Fix yourself, then fix your marriage issues, then you can work on your husband's depression and anxiety, and his weight issues.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> His friend time will most certainly help him get over it. That doesn`t mean the marriage will survive though.
> 
> Welcome to the forum bossanova. If you are Christian, may I suggest branching off to the charismatic part of Christianity. Your husband and yourself are being plagued by ailments that are bigger than your love for each other, your religious beliefs, and anything that would work for you to conquor what plagues both of you.
> 
> ...


I really like you @Bibi1031 and usually agree with you but I couldn't disagree more. The Christians who did the most damage to me and my family were so call Charismatic Christians. It is a wonder I am still a Christian. I have lots of friends who have exactly the same experience. The whole movement supports the type of thinking to a attract really broken people. You have actually illustrated it here. The idea that the Holy Spirit is a shortcut from the hard work it takes to fix yourself when you are broken. It is very very very rare that this happens. Most of the time it's really just people white knuckling and then feeling guilty or like they are doing something wrong because the Holy Spirit hasn't changed them in an instant. Then their poor behavior infects the church. Besides this kind of magic thinking makes the follows ripe for charlatans and frauds. I am not against the Holy Spirit but the Holy Spirit is going to tell you to do the work. Hard work. 

Besides that if she were to get this involved with a church like that it may end up driving him away as it is going to seem weird to him.

OP you may want to consider a Calvary Chapel which is nondenominational at least was started with drug addicts in mind and has a long history of ministry to drug addiction.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

StillSearching said:


> I agree that faith in God is about all that can save their marriage.
> But no offence.....you're a female and member size and satisfaction from it, he will not get over or forget.



That is why he needs the power of God/Holy Spirit! That is why I suggested achieving spiritual health through the Charismatic movement as well. The husband is plagued with depression; her transgression will further throw him in that dark hole. 

This man doesn`t stand a chance of healing without the power of the Holy Spirit. Sadly, neither does she. Her attraction to the AP shows that she can't fight this alone either. She needs to arm herself with the big guns so to speak. She needs the Holy Spirit on her side. This is a very easy fix with God, impossible without Him.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I second the post-nup suggestion that was made earlier. If you present this to your husband, it's a good way to demonstrate that you see him as more than a wallet. I would draw it up in very strict terms, e.g. "husband can divorce at any time, for any reason, and I forfeit 100% of marital assets."


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I second the post-nup suggestion that was made earlier. If you present this to your husband, it's a good way to demonstrate that you see him as more than a wallet. I would draw it up in very strict terms, e.g. "husband can divorce at any time, for any reason, and *I forfeit 100% of marital assets*."


The law would not allow such an agreement.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You don't have to go to a charismatic church to be filled with the Holy Spirit. You need to connect to the Holy Spirit to be filled with him. 

As far as I'm concerned, looking to any church, rather than directly to God, is a mistake. Most churches are messed up.

That being said, Calvary Chapel is a good denomination for sticking close the what the Bible actually says.

I'm not saying to stay away from church, but I am saying to let the Holy Spirit direct you to a church that is healthy. They are few and far between.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I really like you @Bibi1031 and usually agree with you but I couldn't disagree more. The Christians who did the most damage to me and my family were so call Charismatic Christians. It is a wonder I am still a Christian. I have lots of friends who have exactly the same experience. The whole movement supports the type of thinking to a attract really broken people. You have actually illustrated it here. The idea that the Holy Spirit is a shortcut from the hard work it takes to fix yourself when you are broken. It is very very very rare that this happens. Most of the time it's really just people white knuckling and then feeling guilty or like they are doing something wrong because the Holy Spirit hasn't changed them in an instant. Then their poor behavior infects the church. Besides this kind of magic thinking makes the follows ripe for charlatans and frauds. I am not against the Holy Spirit but the Holy Spirit is going to tell you to do the work. Hard work.
> 
> Besides that if she were to get this involved with a church like that it may end up driving him away as it is going to seem weird to him.
> 
> OP you may want to consider a Calvary Chapel which is nondenominational at least was started with drug addicts in mind and has a long history of ministry to drug addiction.



Thank you for posting this. Yes, the charismatic movement is tricky as mere humans are given too much power and that is bound to corrupt many sooner or later. That is why most of us don`t stay in it for long, but the Holy Spirit remains within us regardless of what corrupted humans do. I am glad you remained Christian after your horrible experience with some Charismatic members. That was my experience too. I didn`t want to be one of them too. I didn`t want the gifts of the Spirit to hinder instead of help others in their journey. 

That is also why I stated they needed that movement to get liberated through the Spirit. Give to God what is God`s and to Caesar what is Caesar`s...:smile2:

God will heal/liberate us of the Spiritual bondage we are subjected to and therapy and the medical route will heal our body emotionally and physically. No shortcuts what so ever. Our spiritual battles are won with God and our physical battles are won through science and medicine. A wholistic approach to healing all of our ailments! It is trully the only way out of their predicaments. She is already doing the physical route, she came here because she knew she needed more. I, like @CynthiaDe , suggested the spiritual route.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am tempted to tell you to have your husband post here, but the truth is most of us would tell him to move on. Since that is probably not what you want I will tell you what I would tell him. Without the moving on part. The truth is only he can "find his balls" crude but that is what we are talking about here. You are never going to be attracted to him like you were the drug dealer if he doesn't. That is just kind of how it works. 

Even before I say this I would like to ask you, who started gaining weight first? Did the lack of sex correspond with you weight gain? Part of why I ask that is because in the beginning of this post you talk about you haven't had sex in a year and put all the blame on him, but if you both gained 150 pounds then the blame is on both of you. Besides that you were a drug addict so maybe that is why he was harsh with you. To me it doesn't sound like he had a lot to work against. After reading what he did the normal reaction of most people is going to be being mean. This is because you have hurt him more then anyone else in his life. I remember when I was cheated on, the rage I felt was like nothing I have ever felt before or since. It scared me, because I felt like at times I didn't have control over it. That is not normal for me at all. So I think it's a stretch to think in a year he is not still going to be angry. The timeline for even just being back to normal, setting aside the sadness is about 2-5 years. Truth is you wouldn't even see the anger because most would be gone. 

Also what is the deal with his parents why are they not talking to you? How about your parents? Your friends? Enablers?

Now if I was talking to him I would tell him to start to work out, cardio but also lift weights! It would do so much for him. It would release endorphins that would help with depression but also give him tangible goals and daily successes that also help with this. It would help him lose weight which then would make him happy every time he looks in the mirror. It increases testosterone which helps his sex drive and begins to start to heal the emasculation that he feels. Testosterone makes you more aggressive and less of a push over as well. It all goes hand in hand. 

I would tell him to forget about you for now and to detach. To really focus on himself and his healing. Get other things in his life to give him joy like hobbies and friends (male) so that he is not so tied to you. In that way he can make a decision from strength not weakness. He will not have all his eggs in one basket so to speak and won't have to make decisions out of fear. Frankly you can't have a good marriage at the point of a gun that is where you are at the moment. 

I would tell him to stop being codependent. Understand that with our without you he will be fine. That he can find love again. I would tell him to read "No More Mr Nice Guy", possibly "Hold on to Your NUTs:" as I haven't' read it I hear good things. Thing is he needs to learn how to be assertive and strong, to turn you on. Lots of men get that, but then again if you get that you don't stay if your wife cheated. 

As for what you can do, if you want any chance you need to fully open up to him sexually. Like you never have with any man hopefully because at least it will be something that no one else has and be special. He needs to feel like this is a part of you that only he will ever have. In his mind he competes every day with other men and now he knows there is one out there who blew your mind. Help him blow you mind if he is capable of that. Maybe if he does all that stuff and you do your stuff it is possible. Though it is a long shot and he has to do the work I talked about so that he can even get there.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The comments condemning the husband as a weak, pathetic man are not helping. He is doing what he believes his religion teaches. I disagree that divorce isn't an option. I think he has been the victim of false teaching.

It appears that neither husband or wife in this marriage really understands what the Bible teaches. To OP: I doubt either of you know it really well. If you two endeavor to read together and learn how to pray together to align yourselves with the Holy Spirit, things will begin to improve for both of you.

Your husband is never going to feel good enough sexually for you unless the two of you have a real change of heart and serious healing. After what he read, it is only possible with the help of God. If you connect to the mind of Christ, he will direct you about how you can best help your husband. As Christians, the Bible tells us that we have the mind of Christ. He knows what to do and he will guide you when you are fully immersed in his presence in your life.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

What kind of drugs are you on OP? 

This thread was gut wrenching. WOW. So sad.

Your husband may be able to find it in his heart to forgive, but it will probably never be the same again.

I agree with what others are saying. Both of you need to work on your health and your weight.

Have you been able to reconnect sexually since this happened?

No sex for one year, was that something you were actively trying to change?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> The comments condemning the husband as a weak, pathetic man are not helping. He is doing what he believes his religion teaches. I disagree that divorce isn't an option. I think he has been the victim of false teaching.
> 
> It appears that neither husband or wife in this marriage really understands what the Bible teaches and I doubt either of you know it really well. If you two endeavor to read together and learn how to pray together to align yourselves with the Holy Spirit, things will begin to improve for both of you.
> 
> Your husband is never going to feel good enough sexually for you unless the two of you have a real change of heart and serious healing. After what he read, it is only possible with the help of God. If you connect to the mind of Christ, he will direct you about how you can best help your husband. As Christians, the Bible tells us that we have the mind of Christ. He knows what to do and he will guide you when you are fully immersed in his presence in your life.


 @CynthiaDe if he is staying out of fear he is weak. With all do respect there is a good chance that is the truth. Look yes it's harsh but if your kid is failing at school because he is lazy you don't not say it, if it's true. Lots of these non assertive men are weak, it's a sin and destroys their marriage and life. They are not leaders in their marriage because they are afraid, it's also why they are so quick to want to stay after being abused. They need to hear it and change it. 

Truth is kind of non-assertive men get cheated on precisely because they are weak. It goes hand and hand. I'm sorry this won't be PC in today's world but this is something Fathers teach to their sons. Because a lot of men don't have a fatherly influence they tend to be over protected from their mothers. It is their Mothers natural instinct to nurture them, that is kind of what you are doing here. Because of that they end up not being challenged and are not hardened. Their wives are not attracted to them because of it, their wives want leaders. There wives want the protection of know their husbands have conviction and strength. Women test men just to confirm this. They think if he can't stand up for himself how can he stand up for me. They end up with women who use them as wallets. You see it over an over.

From a biblical perspective when has God ever couched his words. When has he ever said, ahh, I know you think you are doing is right so I am not going to be mean. Nope he says, quit being so weak! Look how he talks to those in sin, he is not very nice. These men need the stone that sharpens the knife so to speak. They need the temporary pain that comes from lifting weights. They need to be told to stick up for themselves against the bully. 

Weak men get picked on. Always. Weak men have wives that are not attracted to them. IF he was on here most of us would tell him that. And you know what it would be the best advice he could get. 

You are right though they don't know their Bible. He doesn't HAVE to stay married.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

IJS


CynthiaDe said:


> You don't have to go to a charismatic church to be filled with the Holy Spirit. You need to connect to the Holy Spirit to be filled with him.
> 
> As far as I'm concerned, looking to any church, rather than directly to God, is a mistake. Most churches are messed up.
> 
> ...


You can most certainly be filled with the Holy Spirit, but only the ones that are given the gift to liberate us through the Holy Spirit can achieve this. It is like everything else. A general doctor can`t operate, only surgeons can. The Holy Spirit needs vessels to work through and liberate us of our spiritual bondage. I know this movement through the name charismatic movement through the Latin Roman Catholic Church, but the pentecostal movement is the same just named differently. Most christian denominations have this branch, but with a different name. My son belonged to the episcopal branch that did liberations and other healings through the gifts of the Holy Spitit. In his teens he tried drugs and got addicted. He conquered his addictions with the help of the PALMER addiction program that most Episcopal churches use to help teens fight addictions. In the Catholic religion it is very hush hush because it is very powerful and constantly attacked. Thank God the Episcopal churches and the Pentecostal churches are not such wimps as the Catholics and the movement has hugely grown. It is the fastest route to physically living in the Holy Spirit and for spiritual healing to occur, This couple needs the fastest spiritual healing there is. This is the route I have successfully experienced myself and my family go through. It works and doesn`t fail. IMO, It is bullet proof so to speak.

@bossanova can look into it and make her own decision. I simply suggested it because it worked for me over 30 years ago and it is working wonderfully for my daughter and her husband and their kids. Most here know my daughter cheated on her husband and got involved with an AP similar to bossanova`s AP. Talk about falling for some low lives. It is not a coincidence that Christian women fall for these types!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> The law would not allow such an agreement.



Doesn't matter. This is what she should _suggest_, as a show of good faith, and then let the law apply whatever restrictions it needs to.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

*I cheated on my husband
AP’s size and ability to satisfy
I did disparage H to AP.*

Your emasculation of him could not have been more complete than the 3 statements above. I'm unsure how he can come back from this. In fact you may want to think if you really want the marriage to continue. I say this because the man you devastated may never be the man he once was. Furthermore, your drug addiction requires you to receive support continuously at a time where HE actually is the one in recovery. Problem is, his is an outpatient recovery, as their is no institution that facilitates healing a shattered heart.

He will lose a part of himself forever. I'm not completely sure if you are aware of this. Your entire being at this point should not be you, but what you can do for him. That may involve him never seeing you again. It's possible for him to heal you may have to disappear from his life for a year or a month. It's his call. I tell you what though. Perhaps the best thing you can do for your husband is remove yourself from you drug using cycle, as that too is burdensome for him, and at this point he needs your support instead of the opposite. Forget about the marriage, just coexist as one human loving and helping another.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

bossanova said:


> Part of the reason is that I was influenced by my severe active addiction. The biggest reason is that my husband and I had not been intimate for almost a year when my AP suggested that we become physically involved. I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type. He’s a convicted felon and has 5 children with 4 different women, and has never been married. He had a live-in girlfriend that eventually found out about our affair also and allegedly broke up with him because of it.
> 
> My husband cannot he more different than this guy. He is a stable, well-educated and successful engineer. He’s a great provider. We are both 40 with no children and we don’t plan on having any.


Puzzled by you resuming the affair after rehab even though you were drug free, right? You further state that you thought the marriage was too far gone, but being honest you may want think about perhaps being addicted to the sex he was throwing on you. Your comments about his size and the degree of your satisfaction implies this. Consequences are coming home. You simply sought to cash a check you couldn't cover. Mind blowing or even very good sex is difficult to pull away from at times.


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

If your husband were posting this story, I would tell him to get out of the marriage as soon as possible. In my opinion, the greatest gift you could give him would be to get out of his life. I don't see how this man can possibly have a chance at happiness with you still in the picture. The fact that you continued your affair well beyond your husband's discovery of the humiliating details, shows a pathological lack of empathy on your part. Your reasoning that as Christians you do not believe in divorce is absurd. How do Christians feel about cuckoldry? Thank goodness no children are involved.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> The comments condemning the husband as a weak, pathetic man are not helping. He is doing what he believes his religion teaches. I disagree that divorce isn't an option. I think he has been the victim of false teaching.
> 
> It appears that neither husband or wife in this marriage really understands what the Bible teaches. To OP: I doubt either of you know it really well. If you two endeavor to read together and learn how to pray together to align yourselves with the Holy Spirit, things will begin to improve for both of you.
> 
> Your husband is never going to feel good enough sexually for you unless the two of you have a real change of heart and serious healing. After what he read, it is only possible with the help of God. If you connect to the mind of Christ, he will direct you about how you can best help your husband. As Christians, the Bible tells us that we have the mind of Christ. He knows what to do and he will guide you when you are fully immersed in his presence in your life.


What religion tells men to hold on to adulterous, drug addicted wives who bang their drug dealers but do not have sex with them; and then journal about how much better the drug dealer is in bed????

Which religion asks that of husbands???

None??????


Then if no religion directs men to accept that kind of behavior, then he is doing it for non religious reasons.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

bossanova said:


> Not yet. AP and I did use protection every time.


Schedule this appointment immediately. He will never believe that you used protection 100% of the time because of how in depth you described your sex life with your AP.

Make the appointment and hand him the results without his asking you to do so. It's a baby step forward in showing you are now fully transparent with him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@sokillme Her husband isn't here, so calling him out isn't really calling him out. 



oldshirt said:


> What religion tells men to hold on to adulterous, drug addicted wives who bang their drug dealers but do not have sex with them; and then journal about how much better the drug dealer is in bed????
> 
> Which religion asks that of husbands???
> 
> ...


You must not have much experience with different Christian denominations. Not all churches teach the same things. There is a lot of foolishness that has come into the church throughout the ages from people who make up their own rules.

Many Christians don't believe in divorce. As I said, this is false teaching, but that doesn't change the fact that he believes it. I've known many people who don't believe that marriage after divorce is allowed not matter what the reason for the divorce was. Thankfully this belief is becoming less prevalent, but among some Christian denominations this has been the case.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you H was the one writing here for advice, I would tell him to hand you some pamphlets for the nearest rehab center along with the divorce papers, then cut you off as best he could legally so all his money doesn't go up your nose, divorce you, move on and hit the gym and focus on getting his own health and well being in order.

Then if in a couple years when he is fit and healthy and has his balls reattached and functioning again, if he happens to cross paths with you and you are clean and sober and healthy and self supporting, if you two were still both single and you weren't screwing every jerk and dirtball in town and you both wanted to try a dinner date and see how it goes, that would be fine.

I think that is fair and legitimate advice for you as well.

If you let him go so you each can work on yourselves and each get your own health and well being in order first; 

Then if your paths cross again a couple years down the road and both of you are relationship material, then you can cross that bridge like any other two people that run into each other.

Neither of you are relationship material or sound individuals at the moment and both of you are probably toxic and deleterious for each other at this time and you will each only cause each other more pain and dysfunction.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

*Re: ....*

Time and a lot of love and understanding when it gets to him from time to time. Sounds like he still loves you so it's doable to heal the relationship with him... with his family not so much. Time will tell there too.

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> @sokillme Her husband isn't here, so calling him out isn't really calling him out.
> 
> 
> You must not have much experience with different Christian denominations. Not all churches teach the same things. There is a lot of foolishness that has come into the church throughout the ages from people who make up their own rules.
> ...



I haven't had much experience with wacky, fringe religious groups, but I have had a lifetime of experience with people doing dumb and dysfunctional things, then pulling whatever excuse they can out of their butt to justify their bad choices. 

My point is his choice to say is not a religious conviction because no religion requires it's followers to roll over and accept a cheating, drug addicted wife banging her dealer. 

A wacky cult may say that (assuming the cult leader is also the drug dealer in question) and a misdirected individual church leader who got his credentials off the internet may say that.

But no major, established religion has that in it's Book or in it's teachings. 

So it is in accurate for anyone to say that he is accepting this for religious reasons.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bossanova said:


> Malaise - thank you so much for your reply. My AP was my drug dealer. I am a recovering prescription drug addict. My husband has never met him. My husband found out almost exactly a year ago when we were at his family’s house for Christmas. He had been suspicious and while I was napping, decided to read my electronic journal on my iPad which confirmed his suspicions. He told his entire family and mine immediately. I have not spoken with his family since.
> 
> I never brought AP to my home. I never did anything with my AP that I never did with my husband. I did disparage H to AP.


You say he found out a year ago, but also say that you only ended it a few months ago.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bossanova said:


> Hi CynthiaDe. Both my husband and I are against divorce. I agree that I need to be transformed by the Holy Spirit. That has been tough for me the last decade. I am doing daily readings but prayer has been a struggle. H and I have not been to church for almost 2 years now. We are prettt isolated. My family lives nearby. H is from another country.


The thing is that God allows divorce for sexual sin, so what you are believing is wrong. Your husband is able Biblically to end this marriage if he chooses to.

Get back to church and start praying together daily.

The trust may well take years to rebuild, he may never trust you completely, especially as you carried on the affair for months after he found out. That's why God allows divorce because He knows how devastating adultery is. It effectively breaks the marriage covenant. The cheated on spouse can then choose to sweep the pieces away or begin the painstaking task of putting it all back together. It will never be the same though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bossanova said:


> Part of the reason is that I was influenced by my severe active addiction. The biggest reason is that my husband and I had not been intimate for almost a year when my AP suggested that we become physically involved. I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type. He’s a convicted felon and has 5 children with 4 different women, and has never been married. He had a live-in girlfriend that eventually found out about our affair also and allegedly broke up with him because of it.
> 
> My husband cannot he more different than this guy. He is a stable, well-educated and successful engineer. He’s a great provider. We are both 40 with no children and we don’t plan on having any.


The OM sounds disgusting, immoral and a dead loss. How you could risk loosing a good man for him I have no idea.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> The OM sounds disgusting, immoral and a dead loss. How you could risk loosing a good man for him I have no idea.


Cause bad boys ain't no good and good boys ain't no fun


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> The OM sounds disgusting, immoral and a dead loss. How you could risk loosing a good man for him I have no idea.


You are so right. He is everything a christian man is not. Scary thing for a Christian woman to fall for such a lowlife type of man. That only shows us how vulnerable @bossanova is at this time in her life. She stated it herself. She regressed to teenage/high school years. A strong, adult Christian woman would never play with fire like this. It doesn`t make sense at 40. 

It is like the moth being attracted to the flame. The moth is only going to get burned. Deep down bossanova probably knew this, but was too vulnerable to fight it. Very toxic attraction indeed. Her husband finding out couldn`t steer her away from this toxic attraction. This is bigger than her and her husband. 

They need therapy, they need meds and doctors. And most of all, they both need God!


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Many people compare it to emotional rape, having been through it I agree. For men it emasculates them.


For clarity, you {sokillme} haven't actually been "through it". Reading on the internet doesn't compare to experiencing it and your girlfriend cheating on you in your 20's isn't in any way applicable or comparable to this situation. You've never dealt with a wayward wife in real life so what you'd do or wouldn't do the day, God forbid, you discovered YOUR wife was cheating really hasn't been tested. I never thought I'd reconcile with an adulterer either and here I am in love and still married to one several decades later as are many of the couples my wife and I have assisted in real life through our church.

Further, a wife's adultery doesn't always "emasculate them". Some men don't define themselves nor place their entire self-worth into their wife's body parts. Adultery is hurtful, and it may shake to the core a man's role or identity as a husband, but any effect he allows this to have on his identity as a man is really his issue to deal with.




> Finally don't stay out of guilt. If he were on here most of us would be telling him to move on. Most of us don't believe people change without monumental work. Because we have all read enough to know that most people don't change. If you do love him and want to stay with him then you have to do Olympian level work which will take years, lost of reading an learning, and lots of pain. Yes you are going to suffer for years from this mistake. Again harsh but you should know what you are up against. His will most likely be worse if he stays. If you don't think you can commit to that then leave him. He will hurt but he is already hurting, however he will heal faster in the long run. There are women out there who won't cheat on him. If you can't dedicate your life to being that kind of women let him find better.


Couldn't disagree more. Stay out of guilt. Stay out of shame. Stay right now for whatever reason you can muster. Same goes for staying sober. This is all super fresh for you and you're coming out of the worst few months of your life {drug addiction AND adultery - a nice double whammy}. Your self-esteem is likely in the dirt. It took me several years to build my wife back up and "SANCTIFY" her through Christ. She had to {well choose to} do Bible studies on the book of Paul and come to learn that God loves even the lowest of the low. Don't quit on your husband because you currently might feel he's better off without you. That HIS choice. He just may surprise you. Besides, people change ALL THE TIME. God raised a man from the dead so what makes anyone think he can't raise you {and your husband} from this pit of despair, drug addiction and sexual immorality??? Don't sweat "dedicating your life to being that kind of woman or let him find better". Worry about being drug-free and OM free today, tomorrow, then this week, then next month and let the future take care of itself. Repentance is a process, not an event so most of your "feelings" right now are really just a mess of confusion and scattered. They are irrelevant. Just focus on doing the right thing every day, focus on your husband, being a Godly wife and live in the word daily. 

You ARE going to suffer consequences for your behavior for the rest of your life. We ALL suffer consequences for our sins. You can't stop them happening, but, hopefully, with tremendous and rewarding effort, you and your husband TOGETHER can minimize the consequences by seeking the gift of repentance through God, seeking {and hopefully graciously receiving forgiveness}, sharing your testimony with others and living a clean Godly life through Him. 

You don't have to be defined, for the rest of your life, by the horrible choices you made over several months or the worst year of your life. Like I said before, turn this evil into good. Maybe there's a reason and purpose to having dealt with this and, in time, overcoming it. Maybe you're here to lead or save others from making similar mistakes. I know at first it may be really hard to share your story with others but almost everytime my wife and I do, someone approaches us afterwards to either ask for help for their recovery that they've been to afraid to talk to anyone about or to share their story of marital recovery after infidelity, drug addiction and|or alcoholism. You and your husband are not alone by a long shot. Fear not - share your burdens and lean on others that have traveled this same road before you in real life {versus some really mean angry people on the internet - there is an "ignore" feature here should you choose to use it. Sometimes it's a nice distraction to take on or respond to the most aggressive posters, but really, you're wasting your time. Take what you need to work with your husband, rebuild trust and try to rebuild your marriage and leave the rest. There's a reason not a lot of wayward spouses stick around these places and as a recovering addict, you don't need to submit yourself to the constant put-downs and disparagement. This place is not a place to seek penance. YMMV}.


Aside - if you decide to do a drug recovery meetings like NA, you probably want to avoid mixed groups and just seek out and attend female-only groups. There is way too many affairs that begin at AA and NA meetings. You're in a vulnerable position right now. Further, your husband is vulnerable as well to have a revenge affair. He needs to learn about boundaries as well to protect himself from making a similar grievous top 10 commandment mistake.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> She stated it herself. She regressed to teenage/high school years. A strong, adult Christian woman would never play with fire like this. It doesn`t make sense at 40.


A more accurate way to put it is she did not develop past her teen years as an adult and as a person.

Often when an addiction begins, personal development and maturity stop and the addict remains at or behind the level of development from when the addiction begins.

This is why parlor tricks like handing over phones and allowing access to social media and going to church and citing bible passages etc is all spitting in the wind and wasted breath until she gets completely dried out and sobered up which can take many months if not even years after her last drug usage.

An addict will always act in an impulsive and irresponsible manner.

They may be perfect angels under direct supervision or when everything is going great.

By the moment they are stressed or things are going badly and they are faced with a temptation while no one is looking- they will pick what is behind the wrong door almost every single time.

Until she gets sobered up and past the influence of her addiction, everything else is wasted breath, time and energy.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

colingrant said:


> Problem is, his is an outpatient recovery, as their is no institution that facilitates healing a shattered heart.


Bah humbug.

There's a church on ever corner just waiting to heal his shattered heart.


Luke 4:18 - KJV --- "Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; *he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted*, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,"​
*this scripture is noteworthy as the "brokenhearted" phrase doesn't appear in the other gospels nor in many or most other translations of the bible besides the KJV.


Whether her husband has the biblical out or not, choosing to divorce would just be an option and not a mandate. God hates divorce. A story of a wayward wife repenting and a betrayed husband forgiving is actually the story of the gospel and wonderful example of the same. I'm not a recover at all costs guy but I am an optimist and hopeful and have witnessed, over many years of doing this, that both the husband AND wife will grow and learn a lot more and both become much better individuals eventually by sticking it out and staying together than going their separate ways. Divorce is forever and has it's own consequences to seeing if there might be a way to avoid is a worthwile endeavor that, if done right, doesn't have to lead to regret. You just don't regret not giving up on someone and being hopeful. If the wayward goes and divorces on their own than so be it and those betrayed husbands seem to adjust pretty well after having, at least, TRIED to save their marriages and families. Whereas the guys that kick their 1st time cheating wives to the curb are nearly universally engaging in their own sexual immorality running around town jumping into bed with every other desperate divorcee remaining forever trapped in the victimhood and isolation of their creation. The rewards and blessings are to be found in the process of HOPE and having faith in one another, the end result, not so much. 

My wife wasn't and isn't garbage. I may have had the right to throw her away for her behavior because God understands the pain of betrayal better than any of us {He experienced in up on that cross and He understands we are just humans and incapable of His love}, but I'm soooo glad I didn't exercise that right. My wife is awesome.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> A more accurate way to put it is she did not develop past her teen years as an adult and as a person.
> 
> Often when an addiction begins, personal development and maturity stop and the addict remains at or behind the level of development from when the addiction begins.
> 
> ...



We don't know when she fell into the addiction trap. It doesn't appear to be in her teenage years though. It is common knowledge that people who are plagued with addictions in their teenage years fail to mature. It seems to me that her husbsnd's detachment as well as her need for prescription meds played a number on her falling vulnerable and easily preyed upon at her age. We all go through periods in life where we are more susceptible to fall and transgress. We are mere humans after all.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> We don't know when she fell into the addiction trap. It doesn't appear to be in her teenage years though. It is common knowledge that people who are plagued with addictions in their teenage years fail to mature. It seems to me that her husbsnd's detachment as well as her need for prescription meds played a number on her falling vulnerable and easily preyed upon at her age. We all go through periods in life where we are more susceptible to fall and transgress. We are mere humans after all.


That all may be true.

But my point is until she gets sobered up and out from under the influence of drugs, everything else is just spitting in the wind.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Quality said:


> For clarity, you {sokillme} haven't actually been "through it". Reading on the internet doesn't compare to experiencing it and your girlfriend cheating on you in your 20's isn't in any way applicable or comparable to this situation. You've never dealt with a wayward wife in real life so what you'd do or wouldn't do the day, God forbid, you discovered YOUR wife was cheating really hasn't been tested. I never thought I'd reconcile with an adulterer either and here I am in love and still married to one several decades later as are many of the couples my wife and I have assisted in real life through our church.


It's amazing to me in a thread that is pages long that the first instinct is to direct your post at me. Yes I am a guy whose first love who I proposed to cheated on me. And you are a guy whose wife cheated on him and dedicated your whole life to that event. We are both posting so I guess you can say that being cheated on is a life changing event either way.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Bossanova,

Write out a timeline for the affair, offer to take a polygraph if he believes you have not told him everything.

It may help for you to tell him about your sexual past before him, or if you also cheated while dating him. 

Perhaps you can help him get the OM thrown in jail for a long time.

If I read correctly you have only been married 3 years, and for 1/3 of your marriage you have been in an affair, that's difficult to come back from. The knowledge that the OM was better endowed doubles or triples the pain for your H. 

You described your H as adorable, but not sexy or desirable, which in your Hs mind the OM was to you. He may even view the OM as getting the best sex from you of your life.

Recovery will take years, usually a minimum of 2, but in this case I would guess at least 5 given the ugliness of it. If there is anything you have not revealed do so immediately because every trickle truth resets the clock to zero.

Tamat


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> @sokillme Her husband isn't here, so calling him out isn't really calling him out.


Ha, well you're NOT wrong. Still it is a part of their problem though.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> It is not a coincidence that Christian women fall for these types!


Wow! What a terrible advertisement for Christian women. Like stay the hell away from christian girls if that was the case. Fortunately it's not. I know plenty of christian women including my wife, and none of them would have anything to do with a drug dealing low life. The truth is broken people seek this types of people out. Christian or not. It's just that people expect better of Christians but in my experience it's really not the case, they are very much like everyone else. I see no evidence that Christians are any different. 

I will say this though I do think there is something to be said for the idea that they know their spouse won't divorce them no matter what they do, the spouse feels like they have the get out of jail free card to abuse them anyway they see fit. That their spouse is more invested in their marriage then their own personal and emotional safety so the cheater knows they can abuse them anyway they see fit, and the spouse will always take them back. This is why it's crap and absolutely blame the false teachers who teach it. I would advice any Christian who doesn't believe in divorce for infidelity to never get married because it leaves them a slave to their partner. It's also heresy by the way. God forgive people who preach this.

In my mind turn the other cheek means walk away it doesn't mean bend over.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Quality said:


> Couldn't disagree more. Stay out of guilt. Stay out of shame. Stay right now for whatever reason you can muster.


This is because for people like you you believe the marriage is more important then the person. It's always the marriage that takes precedent. I care about the person, damn the marriage that OP didn't even care about. So you go fighting for marriages and I will go on fighting for people. And a majority of the people who follow your advice will post 15 years later how unhappy they are, and the ones who follow mind will post 3 years later that they never felt they could be so happy.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Wow!


The part of my quote you quoted came from your perceptions and your personal experiences. I posted that in reference to my daughters' and @bossanova's choice in AP and not all Christian women. My mistake, but nothing that can't be fixed with this simple clarification. 


Not all christian women cheat with lowlifes and not all christian women cheat at all. It is not a one size fits all...lol


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Quality said:


> God hates divorce.


In the context of the old law where adultery was punishable by death. (Leviticus 20:10) So hating of divorce had nothing to do with adultery because there was no divorce for adultery there was death and freedom. Which is why he gave an out for it in the new law. There was never a time in the old testament or new where God expected a person to stay with an adulterer. In fact he warns very strongly against an adulterous women. (Proverbs 7)


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> It's amazing to me in a thread that is pages long that the first instinct is to direct your post at me. Yes I am a guy whose first love who I proposed to cheated on me. And you are a guy whose wife cheated on him and dedicated your whole life to that event. We are both posting so I guess you can say that being cheated on is a life changing event either way.


You joined 2 months after me and have 6000+ posts here and have thousands more on Reddit versus my 500 posts total.

I'll remind you. A "first love" almost fiancee doesn't really equate here. It's like a guy with an addiction to tic/tacs showing up to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and telling everyone what to do like they're the expert. It's kind of offensive {to me, at least}

Chris H, the board founder said this about this subforum:



CHRIS H said:


> The Coping With Infidelity forum is an area for both betrayed and wayward *spouses* to post about, and discuss the circumstances and very powerful emotions surrounding infidelity.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Quality said:


> You joined 2 months after me and have 6000+ posts here and have thousands more on Reddit versus my 500 posts total.
> 
> I'll remind you. A "first love" almost fiancee doesn't really equate here. It's like a guy with an addiction to tic/tacs showing up to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and telling everyone what to do like they're the expert. It's kind of offensive {to me, at least}
> 
> Chris H, the board founder said this about this subforum:


And 8000 likes to your 500, I bet you will be more pissed when I have 8000 more


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Married 3.5 years and hadn’t had sex in a year? Who’s choice was that? Did he just expect you to remain celibate?
> 
> Your written comments on the sex, size and ability to satisfy are probably a deal breaker. It would be for me. But then ask yourself what you’re really getting by staying. No sex, a safe provider who doesn’t really do it for you. No kids, short marriage. Maybe it would be better to just move on while you’re still relatively young.



As good of advise as it get. Bossa, I understand women well enough to know the meaning of putting in writing the joy you felt being with you A/P. I doubt you recorded very illustrative sex acts between you and your husband. Face it girl. The drug dealer pushed you buttons because you lack, and/or have lost, sufficient romantic interest in your husband. Y'all need to put this marriage out of it misery and If I were advising him, I tell him to keep you around for booty call until he can target a suitable replacement. (I'm taking your post at face value...sort of)


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> This is because for people like you you believe the marriage is more important then the person. It's always the marriage that takes precedent. I care about the person, damn the marriage that OP didn't even care about. So you go fighting for marriages and I will go on fighting for people. And a majority of the people who follow your advice will post 15 years later how unhappy they are, and the ones who follow mind will post 3 years later that they never felt they could be so happy.


I never said that, though I certainly think marriage matters I have never tried to talk a betrayed spouse out of his/her decision to divorce their wayward spouse or tell him he/she didn't have the right to divorce. It's pretty simple, nobody really just ghosts a spouse like you did the "love of your life" 22 or so year old girlfriend from a foreign country you've only known a year. 

I'm trying to relate my posts to the OP. You told this poster at the worst moment of her life {sure it's self-inflicted but she's still a human being with the potential to repent} that IF she's unsure she can be perfect from this day forward that she should release her husband and just divorce him for his own good. That's CRUEL manipulative advice that denies her husband of his agency. Her husband won't be WORSE if she stays with him just because you've read a small percentage of betrayed husbands on the internet that tried to recover and failed. You're trying to manipulate her to divorce her husband for HIS OWN GOOD {which you've decided for him} and without any biblical grounds to do so. Talk about heretical advice. You sound like a demon that's bummed this couple is considering reconciliation at all, whispering in her ear that she should double-down on her sin and file for divorce to save him the agony of being with her like she's worthless. Even if she wanted to, she'd have no right {though, I know, it's perfectly legal}.

Further, you haven't even posted for 3 years to know whether your advice works. Besides, NO ONE actually follows your advice so how would you know? Show me one poster that actually came here saying "how can I save my family" that "ghosted" their wife {troll stories posted by Arnold don't count}. In addition, I've read countless studies indicating things like "50%" or "two-thirds" or "75%" of surveyed divorced persons indicated they had regretted the divorce within something like 5 years". So your "happy divorcee" theory is a complete myth. A quick google and I found this one:



pyschcentral.com 5 Divorce Facts That Might Change Your Mind About Splitting up said:


> 1. "50 Percent Of Divorcees Regret Ending Their Marriage
> Perhaps this means there is hope after all? A survey asked 2,000 UK men and women who are divorcees, or ended a relationship of at least five years, questions about their feelings over their breakups and the answers were shocking. Half of them said they regret splitting ways, 54 percent had second thoughts, and 42 percent considered giving their relationship another try"


Besides, leading a life simply searching for "Happiness" isn't likely to lead one to contentment. It's unhealthy to TRY to base all your life decisions upon a fleeting feeling; and, for the truly religious among us, God cares far more about our obedience than about our happiness.

Finally, where are all these happy divorced _men_ {we usually post to men and you've been encouraging this woman to divorce her husband} you report? 20+ year old you leaving your ex-girlfriend who simply dated someone else and then you finding happiness in your next relationship and current wife isn't a "happy divorce story" and it' nothing like what the majority of divorced betrayed husbands ACTUAL experience. 

Here's an excerpt for an article titled: *Women Are Far Happier and Less Regretful After Divorce, but a Lot of Men Fall Apart in Destructive Ways*



Alternet.org said:


> For men, the cost of divorce is often higher and far more serious than for women, and greater than previously calculated. The health benefits men receive from getting married find their inverse in divorce. After marriage dissolution, men gain more weight than women, and even sleep worse. The Huffington Post points to a study from University of Nebraska researchers that finds compared to married men, divorced men are “more prone to various diseases, ranging from common colds to life-threatening health problems like cancer and heart attacks.” Divorced fathers are more likely than divorced mothers to sink into depression—which they are 10 times more likely to experience than married men—and to treat their depression by self-medicating with alcohol. Relatedly, divorced men are also more likely to abuse harder drugs. All of these issues lead to increased mortality rates, which researchers estimate may be as high as 250 percent higher than that of married men. Divorced men also die by their own hands, at a rate 39 percent greater than married men.



This isn't to say I coach people to simply stay together because the betrayed husband will fall apart or kill himself otherwise. I don't think a betrayed spouse should simply stay together "for the kids" and I don't think divorce ever really comes off the table. I want them ALL to recover individually and make their marriages and|or lives extraordinary. Just because some fail to obtain that doesn't mean the effort is wasted. You'll never find success if you don't, at least, try. They can always divorce later. Exploring the idea or notion or process of reconciliation is really NEVER a waste of time.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> And 8000 likes to your 500, I bet you will be more pissed when I have 8000 more


Really? How old are you? That's the most wayward thing I've ever heard you say. 

8000 more hopeless posts from an armchair quarterback that's never been in the actual arena attacking the institution of marriage and denying the reality that couples recover from infidelity all the time is pretty troubling. Pretending to have experience as a betrayed husband while posting lies and exaggerations to real people in the most desperate moments of their lives as a way of lashing out, by proxy, at the man that assaulted your wife in front of you doesn't make me "pissed", but, rather sad for you and the posters you're hurting.

I pray you will choose to stop, get help and address the troubles and difficulties in your own marriage. Being both victims of such a horrific crime can have devastating effects on your marriage and you're wasting years fretting over the marital problems of others that you know nothing about, while avoiding your own. Put your own oxygen mask on first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Cause bad boys ain't no good and good boys ain't no fun


My good boy is great fun.:smile2:
I have never seen the attraction of such a man who has many children with many mums, who probably doesn't support them, who has affairs with married ladies and who has no morals at all. I find men who have strong morals and integrity very attractive.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OF course God hates divorce, it causes such pain and trauma, but He hates adultery more, which is why He allows us to end a marriage where adultery has destroyed the trust and intimacy. I feel sorry for your husband who seems to think that he cant end this marriage after such a terrible betrayal. I hope that someone puts him straight and tells him. 
Its hard to see how he could ever recover from what you said in that diary, on top of the long affair that carried on despite him finding out. Yes he may be able to forgive in time, but that does not mean he must reconcile or remain in the marriage. 
You say you don't believe in divorce, but you presumably don't believe in adultery, and yet you did that. 

I would suggest he goes and talks to a church pastor about this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bossanova said:


> Part of the reason is that I was influenced by my severe active addiction. The biggest reason is that my husband and I had not been intimate for almost a year when my AP suggested that we become physically involved. I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type. He’s a convicted felon and has 5 children with 4 different women, and has never been married. He had a live-in girlfriend that eventually found out about our affair also and allegedly broke up with him because of it.
> 
> My husband cannot he more different than this guy. He is a stable, well-educated and successful engineer. He’s a great provider. We are both 40 with no children and we don’t plan on having any.


So you brought someone into your marriage that would do anything to keep himself out of jail. Including silencing you and your husband. Nothing say love as having an affair with a felon.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bossanova said:


> Listen to how you describe your husband.
> 
> How do you think he sees his value to you?
> 
> How do you think that has impacted his self esteem?


I know he feels like crap. Anybody would. I try to show him that I value him by spending time with him when he is home and paying attention to him, complimenting him, etc. He gives me the cold shoulder many times. He has/had a tendency even before the affair to shut me out emotionally when he is stressed. He went through a layoff and new job change last year which was huge for him. He already felt down on himself. And then he had to learn that his wife cheated on him with her lowlife drug dealer. I know, I know. A very sobering 
picture - no pun intended.[/QUOTE]

Wow, I really believe you have no remorse what so ever about what you did. 

You are unhappy about getting caught but have no remorse.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bossanova said:


> He did know. It really spiraled out of control in the last couple of years after I started buying from dealers. The affair had just started when he found out. My diary entry describing the sex was very illustrative I’m afraid. So he got a sense of my AP’s size and ability to satisfy sexually.


And you say you have remorse about what you did. And here you are putting your husband down again. 

You really have no clue do you. 

You can’t help your husband until you can understand the pain you have caused. The thing is you don’t give one bit about how you hurt and devastated him. You can’t relate because you don’t want to.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Quality said:


> Really? How old are you? That's the most wayward thing I've ever heard you say.
> 
> 8000 more hopeless posts from an armchair quarterback that's never been in the actual arena attacking the institution of marriage and denying the reality that couples recover from infidelity all the time is pretty troubling. Pretending to have experience as a betrayed husband while posting lies and exaggerations to real people in the most desperate moments of their lives as a way of lashing out, by proxy, at the man that assaulted your wife in front of you doesn't make me "pissed", but, rather sad for you and the posters you're hurting.
> 
> I pray you will choose to stop, get help and address the troubles and difficulties in your own marriage. Being both victims of such a horrific crime can have devastating effects on your marriage and you're wasting years fretting over the marital problems of others that you know nothing about, while avoiding your own. Put your own oxygen mask on first.


Again with this. The point is if I am so bad why is my advice always liked and I have people personally thank me privately, a lot actually. You thread jack every post and make it about me, and you say i have the problem? Once again hear we are arguing on someone's post, because you personally attack me, so I have to defend myself. You start your post dismissing me, why? You are the one who needs help not me. If you even believe what you say leave me out of it. Besides that I am not going to say anymore to you because I don't want to get banned. And really it's unfair to OP.

As for OP, there is no good advice for this situation. Sometimes some things are just FUBAR this is one of them. I have sympathy for both of them but I can't think of a worse thing that could happen to someone who loves his wife. To know that your wife desires another man, and partly because of equipment you will never have is too much for most. To know how much greater of a human being you are and none of that mattered. Again the rules are no longer fair so sometimes the best answer is to not play the game. The answer to her question at the title of her post is only God could fix this, and his answer may very well be to end the marriage. He loves her, but he loves this man too. Sometimes people are not meant to be married.

David killed Bath Shiba's husband, they were forgiven but the rest of their lives were ruined because of it. Great sin has great consequence. Sorry that is not the feel good answer you would give Quality, but it may be an answer that keeps OP and her husband from being trapped in horrible pain for years to come. The question needs to be asked with the continual pain that they are both in is it really the wisest decision to stay married. Especially when it seems the only reason is because they think God doesn't want them to, yet if you read the scriptures it says that is not the case. Her husband is innocent. At worst he was not a great husband. 

I am not the only one who has said this by the way. Yet you as usual attack me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> My good boy is great fun.:smile2:
> I have never seen the attraction of such a man who has many children with many mums, who probably doesn't support them, who has affairs with married ladies and who has no morals at all. I find men who have strong morals and integrity very attractive.


You are not broken. Sadly these people have serious emotional problems. It's way it takes a lot of work and counseling to heal.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I don't believe that you are remorseful. I think that you will never forget your AP, and eventually will fall again.
You have shattered your husband's male self concept, and it probably will never return. Whether you stay together is irrelevant because your marriage is dead.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> IJS
> 
> You can most certainly be filled with the Holy Spirit, but only the ones that are given the gift to liberate us through the Holy Spirit can achieve this. It is like everything else. A general doctor can`t operate, only surgeons can. The Holy Spirit needs vessels to work through and liberate us of our spiritual bondage. I know this movement through the name charismatic movement through the Latin Roman Catholic Church, but the pentecostal movement is the same just named differently. Most christian denominations have this branch, but with a different name. My son belonged to the episcopal branch that did liberations and other healings through the gifts of the Holy Spitit. In his teens he tried drugs and got addicted. He conquered his addictions with the help of the PALMER addiction program that most Episcopal churches use to help teens fight addictions. In the Catholic religion it is very hush hush because it is very powerful and constantly attacked. Thank God the Episcopal churches and the Pentecostal churches are not such wimps as the Catholics and the movement has hugely grown. It is the fastest route to physically living in the Holy Spirit and for spiritual healing to occur, This couple needs the fastest spiritual healing there is. This is the route I have successfully experienced myself and my family go through. It works and doesn`t fail. IMO, It is bullet proof so to speak.
> 
> @bossanova can look into it and make her own decision. I simply suggested it because it worked for me over 30 years ago and it is working wonderfully for my daughter and her husband and their kids. Most here know my daughter cheated on her husband and got involved with an AP similar to bossanova`s AP. Talk about falling for some low lives. It is not a coincidence that Christian women fall for these types!


I don't actually know any Christian women who fell for awful men like that. This man is a drug dealer, immoral, irresponsible, a terrible dad and terrible partner. I cant see what any woman would find in any way attractive in that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bossanova said:


> Part of the reason is that I was influenced by my severe active addiction. The biggest reason is that my husband and I had not been intimate for almost a year when my AP suggested that we become physically involved. I was very attracted to my AP physically and he is definitely the bad boy type. He’s a convicted felon and has 5 children with 4 different women, and has never been married. He had a live-in girlfriend that eventually found out about our affair also and allegedly broke up with him because of it.
> 
> My husband cannot he more different than this guy. He is a stable, well-educated and successful engineer. He’s a great provider. We are both 40 with no children and we don’t plan on having any.


Eh... you should probably prepare yourself for divorce.

I don’t see your husband reconciling any of ^this^ in such a way that it leads anywhere else.

And a drug dealer AP?

Hope you doubled down on those STD tests.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You are not broken. Sadly these people have serious emotional problems. It's way it takes a lot of work and counseling to heal.


I do know people who have been though awful times, such as childhood abuse, they didn't go off with such awful people. I have been through traumatic things as well. 

Not sure I agree that all who take drugs and put on too much weight are broken. Much of it is self inflicted by having made poor choices.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Bananapeel said:


> *Part of the his recovery will probably require you to fix things with his family, since that wall you created is going to spill over into your relationship with him.* Obviously, you need to be off the drugs permanently and find something productive to fill in whatever gap in your life lead to the drug use. I'd also recommend a post-nup so he has an easy way out with real penalties for you if things don't work out. Remember that with your cheating and drug use you've set the bar pretty low for being a life partner and he can easily upgrade. So, what can you do to be an ideal life partner for him from now on? What does he want/need from a spouse that you could provide that you haven't up to this time in your life?


The family component is one of _the_ reasons I’m seeing a divorce on the horizon here.

And it’s probably on his mind even more right now with it being the holiday season.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Again with this. The point is if I am so bad why is my advice always liked and I have people personally thank me privately, a lot actually.


Because they don't know any better. If they knew the answers themselves they wouldn't be coming to an internet forum looking for input. They just like getting posts. They presume you're also a betrayed spouse just like them and appreciate, naively, you spending your time and re-living your supposed shared pain with them. 

Others "like" your posts because TAM is the only place betrayed husband shaming seems to be allowed so there's a plethora of angry agenda posters that conglomerate here backing each other up with "likes". 

Not always, I've "liked" a few of your posts when I see you self-moderate and tone down your rhetoric.






> You thread jack every post and make it about me, and you say i have the problem? Once again hear we are arguing on someone's post, because you personally attack me, so I have to defend myself. You start your post dismissing me, why? You are the one who needs help not me. If you even believe what you say leave me out of it. Besides that I am not going to say anymore to you because I don't want to get banned. And really it's unfair to OP.


The OP deleted her first post yesterday afternoon and was last seen one minute thereafter. You've chased her off. Did she send you a private message thanking you??? Maybe her husband will register to thank you and let you know how wonderful it was to watch someone insult and personally attack HIS wife. 

Most of the reason I call you out is to make sure the OP's and others know you aren't a betrayed husband and have never been faced with these choices and never been divorced. 




> As for OP, there is no good advice for this situation.


yes there was. Answer her question about restoring trust and don't make it about her entire situation so you could then use it to rip her apart and criticize her and her husband and tell them how impossible it is.




> To know that your wife desires another man, and partly because of equipment you will never have is too much for most. To know how much greater of a human being you are and none of that mattered. Again the rules are no longer fair so sometimes the best answer is to not play the game. The answer to her question at the title of her post is only God could fix this, and his answer may very well be to end the marriage. He loves her, but he loves this man too.


She said her husband read her journal. A drug addicted wayward's journal is going to be so full of crap that it's not truly relevant in recovery. Shocker, waywards lie and exaggerate. 90% of all gamecocks are about the same size give or take a 1/2 inch or so, so why is it so overwhelmingly impossible for EVERY man to be so hung up over this gamecock size crap. It's all a fantasy anyway and this wayward wife will read her own journal two or three years from now and just be overcome with how full of crap and delusional she was. Affair sex is referred to by waywards as tremendous because it has to be. It's the only thing that justifies having the affair in the first place. There's never any other basis for the relationship. y The only PRETEND it's great. Affair sex doesn't hold a candle to sex between a husband and wife in an extraordinary marriage, even if OM's gamecock might have been a 1/2" bigger. So what. 



> Sometimes people are not meant to be married.


God doesn't make mistakes. Anyone can CHOOSE to divorce and miss out on the gifts, blessings and lessons {including the suffering} that was intended for them. 




> David killed Bath Shiba's husband, they were forgiven but the rest of their lives were ruined because of it. Great sin has great consequence. Sorry that is not the feel good answer you would give Quality, but it may be an answer that keeps OP and her husband from being trapped in horrible pain for years to come. The question needs to be asked with the continual pain that they are both in is it really the wisest decision to stay married. Especially when it seems the only reason is because they think God doesn't want them to, yet if you read the scriptures it says that is not the case. Her husband is innocent. At worst he was not a great husband.


Ah, but Jesus came. There's hope now. 

And the scriptures are clear, God provides an out, but the out isn't mandated or required. 

Earlier you said all adulterers were at one time all stoned so recovery wasn't an option. That's also not true. Only the women and the OM's were executed, sometimes. Wayward husbands weren't executed unless they got caught with another mans' wife {and such woman's husband outranked him politically}. 




> I am not the only one who has said this by the way. Yet you as usual attack me.


You're the only outsider telling us betrayed husbands and, 'our' wayward wives how we ought to do things and basing it upon your experiences with an ex-girlfriend and what you've read on the internet. Similar advice is not really offensive to me from anyone else. Your agenda is transparent to me whereas others that post in similar fashion, most of the time, seem to truly wish to be helpful and are sharing their personal experiences. I respect their choices, and I can understand that they encourage divorce because they feel that they personally wasted too much time and effort trying to save their marriages. They want to help the posters take a short cut through the ordeal but they usually do so understanding why the poster continues trying anyway.


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## luckgiver (Dec 23, 2017)

tbh, chances you manage to save this relationship will be pretty low, even your husbands care for you right now is pretty low, he is probably in a position where he views you as a person that (if chance is given) would spread your legs to the next man getting close to you. (which is in my opinion a huge turn off and is also pretty disgusting and makes you just want to tremble as it is "in his thoughts" his wife we're talking about (the same'd go if you were his girlfriend), Plus who'd want a **** as a wife right? you want one that only loves you and you only no matter who) plus this will for sure influence his vitality (towards you) so don't expect your relationship to return to 100% as you can't turn damaged goods to fully new goods, right now this relationships highest point is probably 70%... but then again, as i believe it's atm ~20-30%, making a jump to 70% is pretty high? so yeah... 
I'd suggest not thinking "you don't deserve him" anymore, if you were to do so because, after all, he still wants you to be with him.
If you wish to fix this relationship i'd suggest avoid initiating intimacy, until he wants you himself, be yourself! don't change your behavior now (if your behavior to him was good since your relationship started) because if you do he might think it's through your AP:s influence, cut of contact to the AP and don't even give him an, (it was fun having sex with you now bye bye note) just stop talking or even being near him altogether. BTW you need patience with your husband and don't be distant, if he desires space at least make him feel you aren't distant to him even if it gets you to feel lonely.
BTW you should, if you aren't, to be more honest with yourself and with him too. The rest is on you and your given effort.
[Remember that these are just my suggestions btw]


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Bossanova

I have several questions, as a Christian man myself I’m sort of confused on some of what is going on in your situation. 
You said you had a months long affair, for how long exactly? 
You said you found the OM to be very attractive to you, for how long prior to the affair did you see OM as attractive? 
How did you meet OM and know he was selling prescription drugs? 
Did you continue to buy drugs from OM because he was attractive?
Exactly what did you describe in your journal about sex with OM? I understand OM was more endowed, but what did you write? Example, OM is much larger bringing more intense orgasms that I never achieved with my husband. 
What are his family doing to you now that they know? 
Does your husband have to go to his family functions alone because of your affair? 
What does your family say about your affair? Does your family know it was a drug dealer?

Having answers to these questions will help in the advice to give to you. I am unsure if you have remorse, which is a vital element to reconciliation. I see you have some regret, however that isn’t what you need to reconcile. To reconcile you need to first be completely honest about the affair. Answer any and all questions regarding the affair with complete honesty. You need to be vulnerable to your husband, this will show you are giving all of yourself in front of him. Transparency, this is another must from you, open and honest like a book. Forgiveness, here you need to be very careful, you must forgive yourself as much as your husband will need to forgive you. Reconciliation without forgiveness will lead to further resentment in my opinion. 

Reconciliation is very difficult work, hardest work I’ve ever done and both my wife and I fully committed to reconciliation. Not to say you aren’t committed, but if your husband is being distant now, I would say the marriage is basically done. Not that he can’t engage again, it is only about one year from discovery. I would say your husband is triggering right now to the point he is having mild panic attacks. What are you doing to minimize his triggers right now? Communication? Ignoring? Waiting for him to talk to you? Affectionate? Apologetic? Vulnerable? Transparent? 

I’m hoping you do realize exactly what this affair has done to the both of you. That your marriage is dead and will need to be reconstructed on a new foundation. That both you and your husband are now forever changed. That you and your husband will both likely require individual therapy and down the road marriage counseling. You will need to reconcile with your husbands family as well, and however difficult, so resentment doesn’t creep in. I am curious about one thing, you said both you and your husband don’t believe in divorce, what did your vows mean to you? I ask because I was like that too, until infidelity, and now have a much more belief that divorce is sometimes necessary. For the record, my wife cheated and we are almost four years into reconciliation.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Whenever a cheating spouse crosses the line of deception in allowing some other person to share in the intimate things that are supposed to be protected by marital vows, it is often difficult to ever go back to Point A from Point B without serious marriage counseling!

And even given that vestige of “hope,” there is still a more than unlikely chance that the marriage can ultimately ever be saved!*


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: ....*

Speaking as a Moderator:

The thread jacks and the poor tone have led to the OP deleting her initial post.

Thread closed unless requested to be reopened by @bossanova.


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