# Wife wants to go for drinks with another man while I am at work what should I do?



## Suiterja

To give you a little background I am a firefighter and I work 24 hr shifts. My wife who doesn't have any friends except the ones that I have. My wife recently went to China where she met a guy on her trip who is also studying they went out there stayed out till 3am by themselves "clubbing" I expressed concern about it and that was the end of it. They have become closer and want to play tennis together because they have that in common which I am okay with, but they want to go out and have a few beers together afterwards by themselves while I am at work. I personally feel that when you get married you give up some freedoms and one of those freedoms is going out with a guy/girl by your self. I trusted her until I found out they went clubbing together in china and stayed out till 3am several nights in a row. 

How should I handle this situation?


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## Posse

Just say No.


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## bandit.45

No. No guy befriends a married woman without there being an ulterior motive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey

Suiterja said:


> I expressed concern about it and that was the end of it. They have become closer


It wasn't the end of it.

Stop kidding yourself.


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## CandieGirl

You can't be OK with the tennis, and then not OK with the dinner (or drinks or whatever). Either you're OK with your wife dating another man, or you're not. I'm guessing you're not. Tell her that.


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## lamaga

Okay, I'll be the voice of dissension. It's canon around here that men and women are not allowed to have opposite sex friends, but I call bunk on that. That certainly is not the case in my social circles/milieu, and none of my friends would dream of trying to dictate to their spouses which friends were acceptable based on gender. 

However, be that as it may, _you should be talking to her about this. _It clearly bothers you, and you need to communicate that to her clearly. Tread lightly, though --- it is my opinion that being jealous and controlling will do more harm to your relationship than her playing tennis and having a few beers with a friend will.

Also, if she has the sophistication and independence to go to China, she may not take lightly to you trying to control her friends. I certainly wouldn't, but again, I acknowledge that I am in the extreme minority here, and I won't post on this thread again. So put away the flamethrowers, guys, I know you want to blast me, but let's keep focused on our firefighter friend and his question. If she is having an affair, Sui, you'll get good advice here.

Good luck.


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## CandieGirl

lamaga said:


> *and none of my friends would dream of trying to dictate to their spouses which friends were acceptable *based on gender.


Ya...we're all usually like that when we're young and before we've been betrayed. Controlling behaviour? You're damned right. The OP should be the one in control, not some other due his SO decides is her new best bud.


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## Shaggy

Get ridd of him he is thinking she is easy pickings because you aren't around. They went on dates clubbing. She may want to view it as being buddies but he certainly is in it for more a d he believe he can worm his way into her life and pants 

So heck no. This isn't about you not trusting her it is about you not letting another man take a shot at getting your wife to cheat. He is no friend of yours or your marriage. 

Yes she is going to push back but you would rather have a annoyed wife than a cheating ex wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

I want to add that while she may say she is upset with you saying no. Her gut will be telling her that you value her and you will stand up to other men who try to steal her away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

The only way a couple can have opposite sex friends is for them to be friends of both, and friends of the marriage. Spending time alone with an opposite sex friend should be something that neither spouse WANTS to do, because they know it's putting everyone involved in an uncomfortable situation.

Since that scenario is so rare, it is generally NOT a good idea for anyone to let their spouse get away with going out alone with a member of the opposite sex.

You would benefit from the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.


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## Mavash.

Suiterja said:


> My wife recently went to China where she met a guy on her trip who is also studying they went out there stayed out till 3am by themselves "clubbing"


I can't get past this sentence. 

You give your wife carte blanche no questions asked freedom and then you get upset when she acts single. 

As far as how you handle this situation you say the following phrase "I'm not okay with that". Just say no seriously.


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## TBT

lamaga said:


> I won't post on this thread again. So put away the flamethrowers, guys, I know you want to blast me


I don't want to blast you. I find your posts balanced and honest.Personally, I don't have a problem with the tennis and grabbing a quick beer afterwards.Where it gets murkier for me is clubbing a couple of nights in a row until 3am.I would definitely voice my concern if my wife expected this to become a common practice and it didn't sit right with me.Communicate.


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## Mavash.

lamaga said:


> So put away the flamethrowers, guys, I know you want to blast me, but let's keep focused on our firefighter friend and his question.


No flamethrowing here. I believe men and women can be friends but omg does that have the potential to be a slippery slope for many who aren't mature enough to handle it.

I have the right to male friends but my husband has veto rights on such friendships same as the right I have with him. If they make HIM uncomfortable they must go. And no he's not controlling. Not at all.


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## iheartlife

They are almost surely in an emotional affair, or barrelling right down the road toward one.

Explain to your wife that spending one-on-one time with this man is called a "date" and one of the things that you give up when you get married is "dates." The only person she should be dating is YOU. If she wants to go out clubbing, or drinks at a bar, she should do it with YOU. Clubbing and bars are for single people to find people to "date."

Two books for you
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (a nationally-respected infidelity researcher who explains the insidious danger of emotional affairs well) and
Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend.


You can tell her no, but she probably is going to ignore that and figure out how to stay in touch with him. You need to cut this off at the pass NOW because infatuation is a powerful emotion. It only takes about 2 or 3 weeks to become infatuated and once that happens, she will do everything in her power, including lie to your face, to protect the relationship. 

You swore life-long faithfulness to your wife. This is how you prove it, by showing her what it means to be faithful.


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## Love Song

lamaga said:


> Okay, I'll be the voice of dissension. It's canon around here that men and women are not allowed to have opposite sex friends, but I call bunk on that. That certainly is not the case in my social circles/milieu, and none of my friends would dream of trying to dictate to their spouses which friends were acceptable based on gender.
> 
> However, be that as it may, _you should be talking to her about this. _It clearly bothers you, and you need to communicate that to her clearly. Tread lightly, though --- it is my opinion that being jealous and controlling will do more harm to your relationship than her playing tennis and having a few beers with a friend will.
> 
> Also, if she has the sophistication and independence to go to China, she may not take lightly to you trying to control her friends. I certainly wouldn't, but again, I acknowledge that I am in the extreme minority here, and I won't post on this thread again. So put away the flamethrowers, guys, I know you want to blast me, but let's keep focused on our firefighter friend and his question. If she is having an affair, Sui, you'll get good advice here.
> 
> Good luck.


I agree with you. I also have male friends but like someone else put it I am mature enough to handle it. Neither my husband nor myself tells the other who our friends can and can't be. 

At the same time I am wise enough to know where to draw the line. I have boundaries and if I met someone (male OR female) that wasn't supportive of my choice to be married they wouldn't be my friend. My point is what's important is that the wife has boundaries with her male friend and not necessarily that she cuts off all male friendships. 

OP the things in your post that worry me are
- her clubbing 
If she is one of those people that does a lot of grinding at clubs then this is not acceptable. And yes people do other things then grind on others at clubs.
- her dishonesty
Male and female friendships in marriage is something to be careful about. She should be completely upfront about what is going on between them two. Not to say that she has to tell you every word that is said but she does need to be transparent.


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## Entropy3000

Suiterja said:


> To give you a little background I am a firefighter and I work 24 hr shifts. My wife who doesn't have any friends except the ones that I have. My wife recently went to China where she met a guy on her trip who is also studying they went out there stayed out till 3am by themselves "clubbing" I expressed concern about it and that was the end of it. They have become closer and want to play tennis together because they have that in common which I am okay with, but they want to go out and have a few beers together afterwards by themselves while I am at work. I personally feel that when you get married you give up some freedoms and one of those freedoms is going out with a guy/girl by your self. I trusted her until I found out they went clubbing together in china and stayed out till 3am several nights in a row.
> 
> How should I handle this situation?


Oh hell no. I actually think this is already a toxic friendship. She needs to drop this guy.

I suggest in addition you guys do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundary setting. 

Tell her you will not accept her hanging out with and dating other men. That you refuse to live in an open marriage.

Stop being ok with her having anything to do with this guy.

Also do not allow fear to compromise your intergrity. Stick to your boundaries. The rhetoric you will here is that having such boundaries is jealous, insecure and controlling. Total garbage. That is FUD. Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt.

You should have a gut feeling of jealousy as you intuitivly know that another man is out to bed your wife. You should be insecure about your marriage now because your wife is interested in dating another man she met on a trip. You absolutely need to get this under control by telling her this is not going to be acceptable. If this new guy is super important to her you know her priorities and you also know this relationship is not just a new friednship.

Hopefully this relationship did not already take her into unfaithfulness. It is for sure inappropriate. I mean she met a guy and starts going clubbing with him until the wee hours. She got picked up. Best to cut this cleanly off. No slippery slope stuff. She is dating this guy. Why be married?

This is intellectualizing having emotional attachments with other men. I do not see that as monogamy. The next level rationaization is that these spouses will claim that having sex with friends is just sex and that they should be trusted to hold a part of themselves back ... just for you ... because you are so special to them ... somehow. After all they eventually come home to you. Don't damage the relationship by controlling them and pushing them away. Of course they are not being pushed away they are seeking out other partners to bond with.

This guy may like tennis and he may like beer but he is investing in your wife for other reasons. So this guy is not your friend. You owe him no shot at your wife. he is culpable. It is a fallacy that you have to only hold your wife to task. It takes zero blame off of her to hold him accountable too. Why people think they must choose is beyond me. This EA at least that your wife is falling into, she is completely responsible for. Yet, this other guy is pursuing your wife. So should be held to task as well. You have a 3rd man in your marriage now. The sooner he is completely gone the better chance at dealing with this. Also if there is any resentment it will be much smaller now. How about your resentment? Yours would be valid. Hers, not so much. She really just likes having a boy toy around. This is added strain with the way you work shifts are. So you need even tighter boundaries than the next person.


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## lordmayhem

Suiterja said:


> To give you a little background I am a firefighter and I work 24 hr shifts. My wife who doesn't have any friends except the ones that I have. My wife recently went to China where she met a guy on her trip who is also studying they went out there stayed out till 3am by themselves "clubbing" I expressed concern about it and that was the end of it. They have become closer and want to play tennis together because they have that in common which I am okay with, but *they want to go out and have a few beers together afterwards by themselves while I am at wo*rk. I personally feel that when you get married you give up some freedoms and one of those freedoms is going out with a guy/girl by your self. I trusted her until I found out they went clubbing together in china and stayed out till 3am several nights in a row.
> 
> How should I handle this situation?


I don't see how you could be ok with your wife dating another man?


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