# Sliding back into the abyss



## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

My wife and I are 3 months into our decision to separate, she left 2 months ago. She wanted to divorce back in August 2010, and we spent 18 months in hell living together trying to fix it. We agreed that in six months we should know what she wanted to do, and we would have check-ups during this time. We haven't discussed our situ for three months, I felt now was a good time for the check-up, and did so two days ago. Big mistake on my part.

I asked her how she was doing, and what she felt about us. First, she stated she has not started IC, which she agreed to. She is not comfortable telling others about her problems, and can't afford it. She stated she is working on her own, has let a lot go, isn't as angry, but still doesn't feel she can trust me. I stated we are three months into our separation and if she still feels she can't trust me, hasn't started IC, then we should discuss the option of divorce and how that should proceed if we choose that. 

She then stated she felt I was pressuring her to make a decision now, and I was being manipulative. She stated she felt like she had been getting her feet under her, head was clearing, feeling better, but discussing divorce is forcing her hand. I told her I'm not asking for decision, but wanted to discuss it. She stated she wasn't ready to make a decision, and felt I was pulling the rug out from under her feet. She felt I was changing the plan. Well she isn't going to IC like agreed, so I feel she isn't following the plan. She then stated I'm making her feel like she did the last 20 years of our marriage, where I always steamed rolled her, controlled everything, and now her trust issues with me have returned. I didn't ask or force an ultimatum. She feels I am, even two days later. 

She then related she was sexually assaulted (serious) when she was 14, (not by a family member) and has been trying to deal with that as well. I didn't know about this until now, and of course I feel like the scum even starting this conversation. I didn't know what to do. Do I offer hugs, and comfort, or just let her know I hear what she is saying and try to be understanding. I opted for the later, because I've been offering comfort for two years, all of which have resulted in rejection, stiff arms, and emotional distance. Well, the next day she tells me she wanted me to give her hugs, tell her it would be Ok, and let her cry it out. How am I supposed to know this is what she wants, and that I have permission to enter into her personal space, after two years of "stay the F away from me a-hole." I can't even get my head around this. She states my reaction to this information indicates I don't care. I am so lost. I love my wife, I can't imagine the pain she must be in, but my emotional nerves are shot right now. I have a lot of Nice Guy Syndrome issues that I'm dealing with as well that hinder an "appropriate" response to issues like this. Just when I think I understand what to do, I realize I have no clue. 

I again feel like the bad guy. I've again stabbed my wife in the heart, just when she was starting to recover. I felt I was asserting myself appropriately by getting a check up, and stating how I felt. I feel I should have an idea of what she thinks about us, and if she is getting help. I really think she needs help regarding her past history from IC, but if she won't seek it out, is there truly any hope? Do I wait six months, another year, or two years for her to heal. 

I felt I saw the end of the tunnel. Now the tunnel has collapsed into more emotional pain for both of us. What did I do wrong, what did I do right, what am I not seeing?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Your first mistake is taking responsibility for her issues.

This begins and ends right there.

Do you really think there is something magic you can do to fix this when she won't lift a finger to help herself?


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Don't let her make you feel like that. My STBXW did the same thing to me last night. It's all a game for them. They want to make you feel guilty so they can feel good about themselvs. AAAAGGHHHR. it gets so tiring.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

No I cannot fix her issues....

What's the second mistake?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Andy968 said:


> No I cannot fix her issues....
> 
> What's the second mistake?


Owning her lack of action on her behalf.

Let it go.

No amount of agonizing on your part will help her if she is unwilling and unable to help herself.


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