# Do I stay or do I go?



## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Hi there 

Bit of back ground info about us. 
Together for 6 years Married for 4 

When I met my husband he was a single parent with his 12 year old son he'd had him for 7 years alone. The son's mother ran off with hubbys brother and she now has 5 kids with him.....

I was 20 and my husband was 31 at the time so yes I was very young. Initially I got along well with his son and make the weffort no problems...his son was VERY clingy and constatntly lying over me lying on my chest etc which made me feel a bit uncomfortable... 

Anyway six months later his mum came back onto the scene..he wanted to go and live with her so he left us for two years. He went to his mums and didnt even care about his dad he didn't even look back.

Two years later WE then were married in the Septemeber 2008 very happy no problems.

In novemember 2008 two months after getting married we had a phone call asking if we could have his son come back and live with us, hubby took him in he was then aged 14.

He came back to us smoking, doing drugs and with bad manners, he apparently has ADHD I think he has something else.

Anyway hubby became very depressed for 18 months when his son returned we argued a lot and ~I in turn coudlnt cope very well I started having anxiety attacks and became very low. I did all the cooking, cleaning washing for his son and worked full time. I had no support at all. Suddenyl I was sprung upon with this kid I hadn't known very long and the father was taking a major depression nose dive....

Stepson saw us argue alot and heard his dad tellin me outright that his son comes first and if I dont like it I know where the door is.

Anyway his son was arrested once accused of sexual absuing a 4 year old girl...no evidence, then again for sexual assaulting a vulnerable adult (a male) they ransacked our home looking for evidence. The school once phoned us up to tell us he was masturbating on the school minibus in front of other students!

He has has sex with girls under age he is now 18 and because he is never prosecuted he carries on... hubby of course beleives he has done nothing wrong and supports him.
He stole my husband motorbike and denied it, he used my computer without asking watching porn on... the porn videos entitled 'my stepmother gives good head'  WTF! he denied it... there was noone else it could have been

My husband doesnt even know how to switch the computer on... but if hubby could work a computer that could of casued a problem with me and hubby cos I may have accused him!

He never admits to anythin he does....
He is incapable of saying sorry

When he was arrested for the sexual offences and when he returned from the police station he was cool calm and collected 

Hi recent girlfiriend has left him as he used to knock her about...he has gotten at least two girls pregnant..

He has come and gone into our household a few times but has now returned two days ago for maybe the siixth time...now only returning when noone would house him, he trashed a council flat he had given to him, social won't house him beacuse of his sexual offence accusations his mum or family won't house him and now after 12 months he is in our house again...hubby says what else can he do chuck him on the streets.

He is now 18 he doesnt work or have any ineterest apart form claimimg DLA for his ADHD and getting drunk
He is a compulsive liar and cheater.

I asked hubby what was goign to happen as I can't afford to keep him I pay all the bills and hubby has a part time job so I pay for most stuff...

His son is very vindictive and I struggle to get along with him I do for hubby...the odd visit is fine but I don't think I can cope with him living here again, he pops in and out of our life bringing with him debts and problems and it ruins me and my hubby 

Im not a selfish person and I have no problem with being a stepmum yes I know I took on his kid when I married him but he isn't no normal teenager.Hubby lets him get away with it all. We argued last night and we aren't talking now he said Im constantly moaning about his son which maybe I am  Im so scared everythign will be stressful he's been back 2 days and I dont know what to do. Alone me and hubby are so so happy we are due to start IVF next month for me to have a baby but maybe I should cancel it.

Hubbys answer will be if you're not happy then leave...
Not try to talk it through or listen to my point of view.

teh thing is his son doesnt really care about him, he tells lies about him and doesnt bother with him, he's 18 now not a baby.

I think deep down in ther hubby doesn't want him with us either but yet again he is cornered  he can't chuck him out can he? his son has burnt all bridges for other possibilities of where he can live.

I love my hubby so much but I can see this blowing up as it did before and weeks and weeks of silent treatment from hubby he reacts this way towards ME each time his son returns.

His ex partner the mother is no use at all..

Im a good person I know I am but I am starting to be made to felt like I am the one with the problem. Maybe it is me...

Maybe I shoudl just leave  Im 26 I want a family and as we have infertiltiy problems we may have to adopt one day.... I have been told by a social worker I woudl have problems adopting because of stepsons sexual accusations on file.... 

I could cope with this if hubby didn't bury his head in the sand he almost gives in and gives up....
Like he wants me to leave

Me and hubby are happy alone but I understand he has a responsibility for this boy...give me a hundred teenage stepkids in exchange for his stepson...
I work with 14-16 year olds but his son gives me the creeps  he's a very sexual person he seemed very nice towards me when me and his dad used to argue saying he loved me (as a stepmum) and he woudl take care of me... 


Its all so messy


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If you don't feel safe....issue #1

Your husband is an enabler. Your stepson will never get help without some consequences. He needs some real help and not just substance abuse...mental health. Your husband is prolonging his illness by allowing him to stay without consequences and denying bad behavior.

I would not bring a child into this environment.

I am afraid, that if your husband doesn't lay down the law with your stepson. It is best that you leave for your safety and the safety of your future children.


----------



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Someone has abused this child. So you have a pedophile addict on your hands. Go to al-anon. You may think your situation doesnt fit with going to al-anon...but the short simple answer, it does. You are married to a codependent. I am guessing you have some family history of addiction (food, sex, alcohol, painkillers....whatever, its all addiction). You need to get into therapy for yourself to understand how this is all coming together. Get in a good 12 step program (al-anon).


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with Missy....

But as a step-parent who has dealt with some similar issues... i'm going to chime in here.

You are not responsible for your 18 yr old step son. You are the person in that household who needs to grow a back bone because you are the only one who is seeing anything clearly. 

I agree that you getting counseling and going to Al-anon is important. Take your husband with you if he will go.

There is no way you should have any children of your own or adopted with your husband.

Your step son has most likely been sexually abused and is not an abuser himself. Sorry to say but he was in your husband's care for a long time... you have to look at every possibility. 

You cannot bring more children into this home. If you do you will have to NEVER EVER leave your child even alone in a room for a few mintues with him.

YOur step son needs to find somewhere else to live. His father can go visit him away from you. 

By the way, your husband tells you to leave if you don't like it? Really? You support him. He only says it because he knows you are a very sweet person and he believes that you will not leave. At 26 maybe you should leave. Then he and his son can live together. And you can find a man who you can have a family with.


----------



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

To the original poster,

Were you abused as a child?


----------

