# cheating---should I forgive it?



## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

So, I am a new member and I want the truth. I have been in a serious relationship with my bf for 7 years and we have a 4 year old son. We never got married because he said that his last divorce was horrible and he doesn't want to go threw that again, but we have been engaged for 6 years and had a private ceremony (just us) saying that we would love each other forever. I am okay with not getting married.
I found some emails about a year ago that he sent to another girl saying that he loves her and talking about sex. It was clear that this had been going on for a while so I confronted him about it. We broke up for about a week and realized that we were miserable without each other and got back together. Now he has promised me that he regrets it and that he will never do it again, but a year later and my mind still wanders back to that day I found out and how horrible I felt. I want to trust so I am not checking his email or texts, but my question is----once a cheater always a cheater---or is there the possibility that he won't ever do it again? Please let me know the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He said he'd stop. Good. But what have you done to verify that he has stopped? 

1. What do you know about the girl, how does he know her, how did they meet
2. Did they hookup and have sex? If so how many times
3. What has he done to prove it ended?
4. Did he write her a no contact letter
5. Does he tell you each and every time she tries to contact him?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I cheated early on in my marriage but never again for over 35 years. We’re all different and once a cheater always a cheater is obviously not true.

But it’ll drive you crazy if you don’t forgive as you’ll always have resentment inside of you and that will cause, even if little by little, you to withdraw your loving actions you do for your partner. I think it’s resentment that brings most marriages down.

If you do forgive you’ll find that the betrayal will go into your long term memory and therefore it wont be a part of your current life. But we never forget what goes into our memory. It’s always there almost seemingly just waiting for a trigger such that it’s recalled again.

But when it is recalled and you have forgiven the memory fades away again so we can focus on the current situation.

There’s another whole aspect to this. If you don’t forgive him you will through your resentment most certainly persecute and punish him for a crime from times past for which he’s already “done his time”. Which is another reason why a man, no matter how much in love with his wife he is, will end the marriage.


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

I haven't told him that I still think about it. I know that if it is truly over that I would lose him if I continued to harp on it.

They met at work, she has since been fired for an unrelated incident. He says that they have had no contact, but I don't know if there was a no contact letter (I never heard of this before, but have seen it on a few of these posts). They did have sex, apparently a lot of sex for several weeks, but he swears no contact since she was fired 10 months ago (2 months after I found out and I was sick everyday thinking of them at work together).

I know that I need to get past this---it is just hard to trust again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I find it suspicious that they stopped because she got fired. If they had been that busy you'd think the job wouldn't have stopped them.

Other than him saying it stopped, have you verified? Has he become total transparent with you as to his texts, where he is and is going?


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

He does tell me where he is going, I don't verify and I don't check his texts---I think that is my problem, I am so afraid of upsetting him, or worse of finding out that it is still going on, that I am making myself worry. He said he ended it when I found out, they just continued to work at the same office.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

He might be telling you what you want to hear. Affairs can easily go underground, especially if the LS (loyal spouse) dosen't actively verify via checking phone records for text/phone history or check up on the WS's social media outlets (Facebook, Linked In, etc...), for starters. 

Yes, you risk upsetting him, but he should be understanding enough to want to put your mind at ease by providing whatever information that you request, at any time.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

As I have mentioned in several other threads I am already a person that does not trust very many people for various reasons, so if my wife betrays me like that I would have to end it because I would NEVER trust her again with anything.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Once a cheater always a cheater is false.

You should have verified his no contact with her to be certain though.

A year later will be difficult to bring this back up as a central point but your feelings are valid and you might want to talk to him about it.
His reaction to your feelings would be a great indicator of how he really feels about you and his potential for cheating again.

Has he given you reason to believe he may be unfaithful now ?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Is he doing anything right now to make you suspect that he is messing around? If not, after this length of time it really is case of deciding if you can live with the past or not. Living with it will entail forgiving him completely and pushing it to the back of your mind once and for all, and it might be worth considering IC if you need help with this.


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

Thank you for all the replies, it really has helped me to get this out, I think that was the first step I needed in fixing this. He hasn't really given me cause for concern, it is just that a year later he has lapsed back into not telling me where he is going as much. This may be due to cheating or he may just feel that I am over it, I need to talk to him, I think I will have a Cosmo and do that tonight, or maybe 5 Cosmos lol


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I know you`re kidding Jennz but don`t approach this conversation intoxicated.

Stop at the one cosmo.


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

I will let you know how it goes and I will stop at the one Cosmo. I may need the rest for after the conversation, but I want to be very level headed so I don't miss anything subtle. I am nervous.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

jennz said:


> Thank you for all the replies, it really has helped me to get this out, I think that was the first step I needed in fixing this. He hasn't really given me cause for concern, it is just that a year later he has lapsed back into not telling me where he is going as much. This may be due to cheating or he may just feel that I am over it, I need to talk to him, I think I will have a Cosmo and do that tonight, or maybe 5 Cosmos lol


My H became completely transparent to me after the last incident. It was the only way I could believe him and convince me that its okay to start trusting him with my heart again. 

He cheated on you, he fvcked up, and you are gracious enough to forgive him.. he should have no problem "answering" to you in an effort to save his marriage... My H gets defensive sometimes when I question something he's doing that raises a flag... I quickly remind him that I did trust him at some point, and look what happened?!. He fvcked that up hard and its gonna take a little bit to get over it and feel safe in this marriage again and its on my timeline... If he can't deal with it, he is free to leave... And I mean that. But my H is quick to help calm my fears. IMHO, your H should be helping you get through your fears, not getting defensive about perfectly warranted fears...

Yeah, I'd limit the Cosmo prior to the talk. There's been times I've asked my H if I can see his phone and its been randomly. I sometimes dread what I might find... But I know I need to know or it will eat at me and I'll accuse him anyway.. he's always more than willing to help put my mind at ease. I think he really wants this marriage to work now.


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

I talked to my BF last night and I think that it is a good thing that I did. It didn't go perfect, but it didn't go horrible either. We were able to have an honest talk and discuss our feelings. He knows that I am still worried about cheating, but he got a little defensive which I didn't like. He says he understands, but he wants to know how much longer he needs to prove he loves me. I said until I am sure. We will see, at least it is out there.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

jennz said:


> I talked to my BF last night and I think that it is a good thing that I did. It didn't go perfect, but it didn't go horrible either. We were able to have an honest talk and discuss our feelings. He knows that I am still worried about cheating, but he got a little defensive which I didn't like. He says he understands, but he wants to know how much longer he needs to prove he loves me. I said until I am sure. We will see, at least it is out there.


Did he offer or accept transparency? Or do you just gotta get over it? What's he willing to do to help you?

ETA: how much longer? As long as it takes you and as long as he can stand? What's with the timeline? He betrayed you in a horrible way and I think he's still cheating if he gets defensive when you ask questions. And there is a difference between defensive and frustrated about the continued lack of trust.


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

Cherry, you are correct, I am not really sure if it was frustration or being defensive. I guess only time will tell, perhaps defensive was too harsh of a word. He has agreed to transparency, so we will see how it goes, how transparent he actually becomes will give me the answer.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

There comes a point where you do bear some of the responsibility to move forward. In my case, I still question when I see a strange number on his phone, or I search his history. Those times are becoming less because I never do find anything... It's been a year or so. And he has been the calm for me when my fire starts igniting... He reassures me that everything is on the right path and that he cares about his family unit more than anything. He goes so far as to ask how else he can prove it. I tell him to just continue to calm me when I have a trigger.

Good luck to y'all 

ETA: he does come off frustrated at times... I call him on it and ask him how frustrated do you think I was trusting you were being a faithful H for all that time you were fvcking around on me? It's not real productive, but it happens and we argue and calm down and discuss and get things back in prospective. It does take some work and strength.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Because he (and I) have been unfaithful, we have to expect a certain amount of anxiety and suspicion from out partners and when something triggers this, we have to fully understand our partner's reactions.

But there does have to come a point where you can move forward and despite all he has done and what people here tell you he has to do, the only person who can move forward is you.

After 5 years I told my wife that I have done everything she asked... transparency, openness, communication but whenever there was a disagreement, my affair was the fallback position to fight from.

I don't like to use the words "get over it" but eventually you do have to do that. Whether it's "forgive, but never forget" or "trust, but verify" or whatever words you use, if you can't move forward the relationship will never heal.


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

I like the trust but verify phrasing, that is exactly where I am emotionally and where I think I will remain for at least a little while. I really want to trust him and I believe that I do, it is just that every once in a while I get an unsure feeling and would like to verify. Thank you for that, I will use that phrasing with him!!!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

jennz said:


> I like the trust but verify phrasing, that is exactly where I am emotionally and where I think I will remain for at least a little while. I really want to trust him and I believe that I do, it is just that every once in a while I get an unsure feeling and would like to verify. Thank you for that, I will use that phrasing with him!!!



I have to give full attribution to Ronald Reagan on that phrase.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

NO YOU SHOULD NOT

LEAVE

you are only setting yourself up for future heartache. but its whatever people rarely listen to good advice


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