# Sex to keep me happy. Should I stay or should I go?



## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing. 

It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.

I stay in our marriage so that I don’t lose time with our children. It may sound crazy… to me my children are as important as oxygen. I cannot leave my wife because I then lose time with my children.

We have both been with a lot of partners previous to the start of our relationship. She’s been with about 80 men. I’ve been with about 200 women. It’s very frustrating to know that my wife had such a feverish, sexual, appetite and could care less about our sex life. I took vows… so I will not step out on her but I’m in the prime of my life and my career. Sex, passionate, sweaty, playful, erotic, hot, steamy, loud, amazing, aggressive, lustful, connecting, sex is a craving for me. (Don’t wives need sex like I do or do women get married to trap men? I feel so trapped! I swear the only time she wants sex is either “to keep me happy” or upgrade her lifestyle by purchasing some big ticket item).

Some of you may say that I should try doting more on my wife…


> (I tell her daily how much I love her and how sexy I find her and every word I tell us true. She’s sexy and I love her deeply).


Some of you may offer that she could be stressed with her career, chores and child rearing… we have three children… 11 year, 4 year and one year old.


> (I don’t understand what else I can help her with? I have a much more demanding career than that of my wife but I still need sex. I somehow find the time to complete 75 - 80% of the household chores. Child rearing is about a 50% between the two of us).


Some people may respond to my thoughts with: are you an Alpha male? Women long for decisive, strong, confident men… blah blah blah…


> (I am as Alpha as a man can be. My career demands me to make huge financial decisions on the spot. I manage about 55 million dollars worth of product, daily, and I cannot make mistakes. I have numerous awards for a job well done. I also manage about 100 men that know not to argue with me because I’m typically right. I take zero **** from anyone. I work out. I eat clean and I’m in great physical condition).


I do not and will not apologize for my sexual cravings. I am a man that knows exactly what I want from life. I am very open to telling people exactly what I need from them… at work and at home. (How are people supposed to know what you need them to do if you don’t tell them?)

It’s absolutely embarrassing to be rejected constantly, by my wife, and then to overhear Her say… “I have sex with him to keep him happy”.

I have read posts on here about women in my boots and I just don’t understand how their men aren’t into the benefits of a healthy sex life with their women?

Should I stay or shoukd I go?…. Your thoughts?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don’t know if leaving will make you feel better because there are many benefits to marriage that being single won’t give to you. You’ll be (maybe) satisfied sexually, but you’ll miss the positives of being married to your wife. (I’m assuming there are positives) 

It’s interesting that she had an active sex life before you and now it’s nearly non-existent. Have you really shared with her how this makes you feel? Like not right after she rejects you but just like when you’re alone? I think counseling could help because it’s not fair to you and she may have some issues you don’t know about.

In that setting, you can air all of your frustration and hurt with an objective party to listen and help you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally I couldn't have left my children and only see them some of the time but that's me. I would have sacrificed anything for my children. I could never have left them. 

Talk to your wife. Tell her what you have said here and how unhappy you are. If you want sex daily and she wants sex once a week or 10 days maybe you can compromise to say twice a week? 
Is having sex because she loves you and wants you to be happy so bad?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I can't really offer much information as I am in a similar situation. But I will say you sound young (maybe late 30s or 40s I am guessing) so don't wait on her to change or for things to get better as it likely won't...maybe only get worse.

Don't be an older guy like me wishing you had made the decision sooner.

I know divorce sucks and I probably should take my own advice. Its just tougher when you are older. You just have to ask yourself if you can be happy with "duty" sex and watching porn the rest of your life or not?

Good luck!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you are really trying to get in her knickers every day when you know that she is only good for handing out some duty sex a few times a month, that is just pssing her of and making her resentful and turning her off even more.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@oldshirt it’s not quite every day that I advance on her… but pretty close to it. Do you suggest I just wash my hands and walk away from our sex life? She’ll get exactly what she wants. She’ll have a fancy house, fancy cars, three children, a couple dogs, a husband that comes home to her every night and she doesn’t have to “put out”. She wins… I lose. Sounds reasonable if I were a ****.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lawrence N said:


> I cannot leave my wife because I then lose time with my children.


If the above is true, then, I can't understand your question " should I stay, or should I go?" because the only answer is that you should stay, otherwise you're negating your above statement. Nothing that you say or do will matter since you will not leave because of your children.
Suck it up, and take her to a sex therapist to see if there's something that can be done.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@deidre
There are Positives and Negatives to marriage. Yin Yang. Of course I find value in being married to my wife. I’m not sure that you understand what rejection does to a man though? I find myself thinking about and questioning my marriage a lot… how could my wife have given herself to all those other men but turn her husband away so often? I cannot figure out how her sexual cravings have dried up.

There’s is nothing wrong with her health. I have shared with her that I’m prepared to leave and find someone, new, that speaks my love language. She would have the opportunity to do the same. I’m very rational. If happiness is out there for her or myself… why hold back? I have spoken my peace enough. I think I have coke across as too needy the more I discussed the topic. I don’t enjoy the feeling of exposing myself to def ears so I stopped talking about it. Now we are just passionless roommates. I’ve asked her to go to counciling and she isn’t keen on the idea.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I will also add that very few women with a 1 year old are going to be sexpots. 

If you are expecting high-octane, monkey sex every day in an 8 year relationship with 3 kids including a one year, that is not entirely realistic. 

If you’ve been with 200 chicks, I am going to assume that you are used to picking up drunk, single party girls and bored, frustrated married women in clubs and bars and the gym etc. perhaps even been involved in the swinging lifestyle or been with some level of “professionals” or sugar babies etc.

That is all a completely different dynamic than marital sex in an 8 relationship with young children/baby in the home. 

There are concessions and sacrifices that are made to have a stable, secure and functional family unit in a marriage with young children and hot, wild, sweaty, breathless porn sex all the time is often one of them. 

And there are concessions and sacrifices to made by picking up different 23 year old single, drunk, party girls week after week and one of those is often having an ongoing, stable, healthy home and family in marriage. 

At point in all of this you are going to have to search your feelings and your values and determine whether chasing tail and chasing that New Pssy Energy or a stable healthy home life is more important to you.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@Diana7
I cannot leave my children either. Our oldest daughter is my wife’s from a previous man. It breaks my heart to watch her travel between homes every other week. Our two kitties are mine. I cannot go a day with out them… that’s why I’m in such a tuff spot. I couldn’t imagine another man raising my children.

I’ve spoken to my wife in excess. Things don’t change. She knows she has me trapped… I’m in a tuff spot.

I do not want a sex life that is planned out… sex twice a week or three times per month doesn’t work for me. (Currently we are sexual about twice a month and im starved for it). Yes… a sex life, with my wife, is bad if the only reason she does it is to make me happy. I want a sex life where both partners can’t keep their hands, bodies and minds off each other. Duty sex is not something I’m interested in. I may as well have sex with a prostitute… they only have duty sex.




Talk to your wife. Tell her what you have said here and how unhappy you are. If you want sex daily and she wants sex once a week or 10 days maybe you can compromise to say twice a week?
Is having sex because she loves you and wants you to be happy so bad?
[/QUOTE]


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why would you bring home the bacon and then some, then come gone and do 70-80% of the household chores and 50% of the child care, and settle for basically a sexless marriage? You’d still get the kids 50% of the time if you divorce. 

It’s not only about the sex, it’s about the lack of romantic interest and desire. Correct? I mean, you never take your wife out on a date, and both be starving to jump in bed with one another??? If not, you’re missing some of the best in life.

I’d bail. Not because of only the lack of sex, but because your side has no romantic interest in you, as a wife should.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that all being said, I do I stand your dilemma because sexuality is very important to me as well and you do have a right as a human being to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with you as well. 

If she truly does not want to be with you intimately and is only putting out to get a new handbag or tennis bracelet, They you might as well go back to escorts and sugar babies and drunk party girls because they at least want the return business and the validation of having a fun night after the club. 

Your needs do matter, but it is damming that she is admitting she doesn’t actually want to be with you. 

As you are wrestling between the thought of breaking up a marriage vs living the rest of your days with a woman that doesn’t want you, This is a good case for marital counseling and possibly sex therapy to see if there is some common ground or somewhere in the middle that meets your needs while also being enjoyable and positive for her. 

And if MC cannot fund common ground, then you can make an informed decision on whether this marriage is where you want to be or not.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


You can have all the arguments stacked up about how alpha you are or attentive etc. regardless of your view of yourself and how you would define yourself, it's how your wife views you and her definition of you that is the crux of your problem.

What you are to your wife is something non manly or nonsexual and more like a pet or roommate.

She is unfortunately treating you with behavior she knows she can get away with.

I wasn't with as many partners as you but I had my pick before Mrs. Conan captured me.

Others have referred to me with a lot of labels but this is what I can say truthfully about myself when it comes to sex, I don't play and I get laid.

I've always been no nonsense when it comes to sex and I haven't wasted time with women who weren't very committed to getting what they wanted in the bedroom.

Mrs. Conan was no different than any of the others in that regard and was in my bed within 8 or so hours of meeting me. She continued to not mess around and we almost lost our jobs the first week due to having sex so often.

Aside from one short period of time in 30 years, she doesn't deny me for sex ever.

I'm not a man to be denied my passion and my Mrs. also views me as that kind of man.

I was willing to leave her during that short time she tried to control and dole out the sex.

We still had a minor child at home but I was unwilling to put up with any nonsense and we got it resolved with never a look back.

I'm not a man to be denied but you are my friend.

That's not a slam, it's just the truth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. doing chores is about as sexy as Fat Bastard dancing naked.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lawrence N said:


> @oldshirt it’s not quite every day that I advance on her… but pretty close to it. Do you suggest I just wash my hands and walk away from our sex life? She’ll get exactly what she wants. She’ll have a fancy house, fancy cars, three children, a couple dogs, a husband that comes home to her every night and she doesn’t have to “put out”. She wins… I lose. Sounds reasonable if I were a ****.


Read what people are actually writing.

No one is saying you should accept celibacy.

I’m saying you know she is only DTF a few times a month but yet you are pressuring her way more than what you know she is down for. 

That’s simply being an ass. 

By pressuring her way out of proportion to what you know she is down for, is leading to resentment and frustration in her and making her less included to get with you sexually. 

If you wanting her to want to be with you and be with you out of her own desire, you are shooting yourself in the foot. 

No one is saying to give up and walk away on your sex life, but you are going to need to seek a constructive means of dealing with the discrepancy in libido and a mutually agreeable solution.

This will probably require some professional counseling to determine some more positive means of conflict resolution and common ground in intimacy needs.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


Go. Get joint custody and take care of your kids half of the week. 

She has as much right to her needs as you do to yours and to you sex is much more of a priority than it is to her. You're just different. Her interest in all the different men may not have been rooted in sex as yours might have been when you were dating women. Sex isn't everything to most women like it is to a lot of men. They are hoping to find
something more more most of the time. 

Things change as a person ages and especially as women have children. If you divorce her, going and sleeping with a bunch of guys is very likely not going to be her priority anymore. And she may or may not get out there and start looking for that something more that she thought she once found in you. 

I suggest you stay single because you are not going to find many women who will want to have sex every day with you once the new has worn off. When things are exciting and you're just dating then you are more likely to get that kind of frequency. Good luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There are lots of women between ages 35-45 that are sex crazed like teenage boys. Plenty of women want daily sex. OP just married a dud. He should correct the problem.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> There are lots of women between ages 35-45 that are sex crazed like teenage boys. Plenty of women want daily sex. OP just married a dud. He should correct the problem.


But that doesn't last forever. I was hit with that at age 49 but it only lasted a year, thank goodness. It was pretty miserable.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lawrence N said:


> @deidre
> There are Positives and Negatives to marriage. Yin Yang. Of course I find value in being married to my wife. I’m not sure that you understand what rejection does to a man though? I find myself thinking about and questioning my marriage a lot… how could my wife have given herself to all those other men but turn her husband away so often? I cannot figure out how her sexual cravings have dried up.
> 
> There’s is nothing wrong with her health. I have shared with her that I’m prepared to leave and find someone, new, that speaks my love language. She would have the opportunity to do the same. I’m very rational. If happiness is out there for her or myself… why hold back? I have spoken my peace enough. I think I have coke across as too needy the more I discussed the topic. I don’t enjoy the feeling of exposing myself to def ears so I stopped talking about it. Now we are just passionless roommates. I’ve asked her to go to counciling and she isn’t keen on the idea.


I don't know what that type of rejection is like, but I can empathize that you're in a relationship that isn't working for you. I'm not saying you should stay, just showing both sides of what that might look like. There will be pros and cons to staying or leaving. 

Why isn't she interested in counseling, do you think? I think short of counseling, there isn't much more you can do to improve things because she seems not willing to at least meet you halfway. You're not asking for the moon, you're just asking for her to meet you halfway.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> There are lots of women between ages 35-45 that are sex crazed like teenage boys.  Plenty of women want daily sex. OP just married a dud. He should correct the problem.


Actually, she might not be a dud. There is a fairly well documented phenomenon where many women in long-term relationships start losing their sexual attraction to their mates. Most of them still love their husbands but just aren't triggered sexually by them anymore after many years.

What Do Women Want? By Daniel Bergner has some examples of this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Anyways, you ask for opinions. Mine is that you are going in circles around yourself. Whatever you want is not what she wants, that's that, the facts.

Now, why is it that you two can't find a middle ground? Basically, because *****ing, nagging, recriminating about it won't get you anything, actions do, one way or another.
If I were you I would set an appointment with a counselor that specializes in sexual marital problems. Tell her you did and the date/time. If she refuses then tell her that you already have an appointment with a divorce lawyer and that she will soon be receiving divorce papers. That's it, do it and follow through if she's not willing to fix what's wrong in the marriage (from your point of view). Otherwise, just stay until the years passes and eventually sex will not be a great concern for you either, plus your children will be gone on their own.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> If you are really trying to get in her knickers every day when you know that she is only good for handing out some duty sex a few times a month, that is just pssing her of and making her resentful and turning her off even more.


So keep pissing her off by initiating daily until something changes. Don't change into meek and mild paycheck she placates once a month. If you don't bring this to an immediate head you're looking at the rest of your life.

Stop making her life comfortable and stop things for her like if she was doing her part in a mutually happy sex life.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

What you need to do OP is decide if you’re willing to leave. Without a plan to leave you will always stay and have no hope of fixing matters.

The second question is, do you even want to fix it (with her) and what would that look like to you in the “fixed” state?

Once you are ok with leaving and you have an idea of what things would look like when “fixed” then you can start to think of how to maybe approach it, knowing that she might blow you off and then you divorce.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Based on what you have shared she isn't attracted to you and she doesn't love you. She wanted what you could provide to her:
"_a fancy house, fancy cars, three children, a couple dogs, a husband that comes home to her every night "_ 
"_sex is either “to keep me happy” or upgrade her lifestyle by purchasing some big ticket item"._

If she is materialistic, manipulative, narcissistic, etc sex is a tool. Sex is control.

_"I find myself thinking about and questioning my marriage a lot… how could my wife have given herself to all those other men but turn her husband away so often?" _How many of those men were out of her league? How many of those dudes were just playing her for sex and gone once they got it? The biggest difference between you and the 80 other dudes - you settled for her. *If any of the other 80 men had made her their wife, they would be in your shoes right now.*

_"I have shared with her that I’m prepared to leave and find someone, new, that speaks my love language. She would have the opportunity to do the same. I’m very rational. If happiness is out there for her or myself… why hold back?"_

Sex is control. Control is happiness. There is no control if you leave and another woman is looking after your needs. Your wife has no interest in being replaced. She also isn't stupid. *Who is she going to replace you with?* How many dudes can provide what you provide and are willing to raise another man's child? You chose to be with her with one child already. You are a rare dude. Now consider that if you part ways she has 3 kids and two former husbands in the picture. How many men with options like you have on the dating market, that can provide the lifestyle you can provide, are going to choose your wife? How many want to deal with all the baggage - 3 kids and 2 ex husbands? 

_"I’ve asked her to go to counciling and she isn’t keen on the idea." _Why would she? She doesn't see anything wrong with the arrangement as it stands. She already has what she wants. What you want doesn't really matter to her. 

_"She knows she has me trapped." _Biggest reason for her not to have to give one flying F about you or what you want.

You have expressed yourself and your needs clearly to her. If you aren't happy then leave. The situation will not get better. She has no interest in changing the present dynamic. Speak to lawyer, get the finances in order, etc. Make sure you have somewhere else to stay just in case. Likely your wife isn't going to react well to your departure because the lifestyle you provide goes with it.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

It sounds like you've presented an ultimatum already, but won't follow through (and we bet she knows this). However, what I'm not seeing anyone talk about is the 3rd option. If sex is the only thing in the way, present the open marriage option. No divorce, no support, no change to home or financial arrangements, and you can go get your needs met. It's not something I personally would go for, but it is another option. In fact, the option being considered and presented in other cases has done much to spur actual engagement by the wife. Threatening divorce is standard sabre-rattling for most. Stating that a.) the sex life is fixed, or b.) you'll be going elsewhere is a different play entirely.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

No alpha male I know works all day then comes home and does 80% of the chores.

You can talk all you want with women but if they don't believe you'll actually do something they don't care. Sounds like she thinks you don't have the balls to leave. So why should she care about what you say?

Time to mull it over and make a decision. You're either so unhappy that it's worth leaving your marriage for or your kids are your #1 priority and you'll put up with it for them. Once you make that decision, make it happen. Tell your wife you need to leave if this isn't fixed and then leave if it isn't or resign yourself, stop complaining and enjoy seeing your kids everyday.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@marko polo 
Your words are exactly what I needed to read. No ******** and to the point. It is almost as if you’re in my head. I know what I need to do I just have to figure out what I will do to save the relationship with my children… this will be hell for them… especially our four year old… she’s my greatest gift in my life and I have to figure out a way not to wreck her.

I cannot go through the rest of my life with a wife that constantly rejects me and has zero interest in actively participating in our marriage bed.

Thank you for your time,


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@gaius
All the alpha males, I know, complete 100 percent of the house hold chores when they are single because they live clean lives.

As I have stated, I am married with children, and I complete 80 percent of the chores because I teach my children to live clean lives. The 20 percent I will not clean are my wife’s dishes, her laundry, her car cleaning needs, etc.

Your other comments are on point though.

thank you for sharing your thoughts.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Lawrence N said:


> As I have stated, I am married with children, and I complete 80 percent of the chores because I teach my children to live clean lives. The 20 percent I will not clean are my wife’s dishes, her laundry, her car cleaning needs, etc.


So you separate all her dirty dishes out of the dishwasher, run it, then leave a bunch of dirty forks and such sitting around?

Was there a time with her where she was meeting your needs? What changed between that time and now?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

gaius said:


> No alpha male I know works all day then comes home and does 80% of the chores.
> 
> You can talk all you want with women but if they don't believe you'll actually do something they don't care. Sounds like she thinks you don't have the balls to leave. So why should she care about what you say?
> 
> Time to mull it over and make a decision. You're either so unhappy that it's worth leaving your marriage for or your kids are your #1 priority and you'll put up with it for them. Once you make that decision, make it happen. Tell your wife you need to leave if this isn't fixed and then leave if it isn't or resign yourself, stop complaining and enjoy seeing your kids everyday.


Ah, you forget that alpha males live clean home lives when single, picking up after themselves and hiring a house cleaner to keep his home 100 percent clean, has a laundry service and yard service.

As a M man, I do the same. My DW cleans does the cooking and family outings planning, and picks up, cleans if needed here and there. My home I still run the same as if I was single; house cleaner, yard service, laundry service for my laundry. 

My life is set and it includes a good W. My W is not responsible for my happiness or my living preferences although she is a major part, and my much loved teammate. Sex is almost on demand both ways, and we both like that.
I still keep her time free for spending time with me just like I was dating her. Caring for her sn't abused or taken advantage of, she's proven that over lo these almost 40 yrs M.

I'd stop everything if there was anything of concern happening. Note, this is a two way street. She works too although vastly different levels but I completely respect her work and life and vice-versa. Together we're a team.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lawrence N said:


> @deidre
> There are Positives and Negatives to marriage. Yin Yang. Of course I find value in being married to my wife. I’m not sure that you understand what rejection does to a man though? I find myself thinking about and questioning my marriage a lot… how could my wife have given herself to all those other men but turn her husband away so often? I cannot figure out how her sexual cravings have dried up.
> 
> There’s is nothing wrong with her health. I have shared with her that I’m prepared to leave and find someone, new, that speaks my love language. She would have the opportunity to do the same. I’m very rational. If happiness is out there for her or myself… why hold back? I have spoken my peace enough. I think I have coke across as too needy the more I discussed the topic. I don’t enjoy the feeling of exposing myself to def ears so I stopped talking about it. Now we are just passionless roommates. I’ve asked her to go to counciling and she isn’t keen on the idea.


What did she say when you said you wanted to go and find someone else?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lawrence N said:


> @marko polo
> Your words are exactly what I needed to read. No ****** and to the point. It is almost as if you’re in my head. I know what I need to do I just have to figure out what I will do to save the relationship with my children… this will be hell for them… especially our four year old… she’s my greatest gift in my life and I have to figure out a way not to wreck her.
> 
> I cannot go through the rest of my life with a wife that constantly rejects me and has zero interest in actively participating in our marriage bed.
> ...


Heartbreaking. Children suffer so much if one parent leaves. Please think very carefully about this. My husband wasn't too happy in his first marriage, she too wouldnt have sex that often but as he said to me, I made vows and promises and I wasn't going to break them. He wouldn't have done that to his boys. As it happens she divorced him later but by then the youngest was 18.

It's a massive decision that will blow your children's lives up. I understand that most here seem to think that putting the children first is old fashioned and that life today day is all about me me me and what makes 'me' happy, but I don't believe that.
My kids came first always.
Marriage isn't always about us and what we want, it's about our family and our responsibilities and putting others before ourselves.
Every marriage has some differences and compromises need to be made.

You have already threatened her, not a good idea in my opinion. It will probably make things worse.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Lawrence N said:


> @marko polo
> Your words are exactly what I needed to read. No ****** and to the point. It is almost as if you’re in my head. I know what I need to do I just have to figure out what I will do to save the relationship with my children… this will be hell for them… especially our four year old… she’s my greatest gift in my life and I have to figure out a way not to wreck her.
> 
> I cannot go through the rest of my life with a wife that constantly rejects me and has zero interest in actively participating in our marriage bed.
> ...


Life may be hell for them (kids) in the short term. Two separate households where at least one is stable and happy (yours) will serve them much better than one miserable household.

She will probably try to turn the children against you. Would be best if you expect the worst from your wife - false allegations of abuse or violence. This goes to my recommendation of having somewhere else to stay if you decide to leave.

Whatever you do as far as preparations, especially the lawyer, do it in secret and keep up the charade that you are still interested in her. Act when you are ready and blindside her. Find a shark of a lawyer and see how likely it is for you to get sole custody of your kids.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

So you have tried to do more to get her to understand.

Have you ever tried to do less over a sustained period of time?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> So you have tried to do more to get her to understand.
> 
> Have you ever tried to do less over a sustained period of time?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


^^^THIS^^^


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


2-3x month...I would probably go. That little would say to me...she does not love me and only wants to maintain the financial status. 

80 men?...she has evidently got all her sexual energy expended prior to you. She may think you should have got it out of your system with 200 women.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Since you won't leave your children and your marriage, I have very bad news for you: your life will carry on the same, but more painful the longer you remain in the status quo. Good luck! I have been there.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> 2-3x month...I would probably go.


I would say it depends on the "quality" of sex. If it's good, I wouldn't go. In fact, I didn't because of that. If it's starfish, no way... That said, going from twice a month to every day?  That's never going to happen.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

When did this not wanting sex start? From beginning? After your 1st child? 2nd?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> That said, going from twice a month to every day?  That's never going to happen.


True.

I have a theory that the crisis point where someone starts thinking about leaving happens at 3:1. So if the LD can get under that ratio then the marriage will likely not be in crisis.

HD of every day versus let’s say 3x a month is 10:1. If the OP’s wife could figure out how to manage slightly better than every 3rd day then it would probably be ok.

That level of change is certainly possible for someone who is actually interested in the relationship.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let's see if I understand this correctly.

You're currently getting duty sex a few times a month. Ok, I get that this is not enough...it wouldn't be for me either. And duty sex is horrible.

But you've also said a few tines a week isn't enough either, so unless she puts out daily enthusiastic sex you're going to be unhappy and will continue to hound her. This in addition to small children, including a one year old.

I love sex but that just sounds exhausting to me. On top of that she's been informed that if she doesn't put out daily enthusiastic sex you're prepared to walk and find someone else, because you imagine there are scores of women who will put out daily enthusiastic sex long term and are willing to break up the family over the thought. Throwing this grenade into the mix is unlikely to get you the daily enthusiastic putting out you want, so you've already set the stage for the end of the marriage.

I'm not a proponent of staying in an unhappy marriage "for the children". I didn't and my kids are just fine with a happy mom. So if your marriage isn't working, and decent sex is important, by all means end it.

I'd just urge you to think about your expectations. You might get lucky and find a compatible partner who will put out enthusiastically on a daily basis long term, but odds are that won't happen because life happens and things tend to settle down long term. You'll likely have to jump from one woman to the next once things settle down.

Your wife, otoh, will find a other guy fairly easily if that's what she wants.

If you were looking for 2-3 times a week you'd have a much better chance. So just think about your expectations and whether blowing up your marriage will be worth it if you don't find it. If your marriage is unhappy that answer may he yes.

I left 2 marriages not because I imagined I'd do all kinds of better, but because I was miserable in them and didn't care what followed. If you feel the same then go.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

These situations are all a unique combination of physiological, psychological, and relationship factors so my advice is just general advice and not necessarily specific to your situation.

As attractive as you may perceive yourself to be your wife doesn’t find you attractive. You need to figure out why and work on that. I’m defining attractive as evoking sexual desire. You may be “alpha” (I hate that term) at work but not at home.

The common advice is always to talk about it, issue ultimatums, and threaten divorce. If this is a 10 step process those should be number 10 and not number 1.

Step 1 is to shut the hell up and back the [email protected] off. Stop initiating, stop having talks about your sex life, stop complimenting her looks, stop saying I love you unless she says it first, stop feeling her up around the house, if she initiates contact in the kitchen for example kiss her good and then you be the one to withdraw. For the love of God please stop buying her gifts. If she’s got a birthday coming up buy her a non romantic gift and a basic card. Sign the card with your first name and don’t include any handwritten proclamations of romantic love. Right now she controls the sex life and that makes her feel powerful and makes her look down on you. Take away that power and things will start to improve. Don’t accept duty sex either, turning her down a few times will start to get her attention. Disrupt the dynamics of the relationship but not with threats of divorce and ultimatums. You can talk her into having sex with you with threats but that’s not what you want. You want her to desire you. This is a long game and frequency may even drop some in the beginning but you have to keep the long term goal in mind.

That’s the extent that I will give specifics but get these 4 books, read them, and apply them:









The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - Kindle edition by Kay, Athol. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - Kindle edition by Kay, Athol. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011.



www.amazon.com













The Dead Bedroom Fix: 2020 Edition! - Kindle edition by D.S.O. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


The Dead Bedroom Fix: 2020 Edition! - Kindle edition by D.S.O. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading The Dead Bedroom Fix: 2020 Edition!.



www.amazon.com













Rekindle your Love Life and Reignite your Relationship: A Practical Plan for People in a Low-Sex/No-Sex Relationship or Marriage - Kindle edition by Thomas, Richard. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


Rekindle your Love Life and Reignite your Relationship: A Practical Plan for People in a Low-Sex/No-Sex Relationship or Marriage - Kindle edition by Thomas, Richard. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and...



www.amazon.com













No More Mr. Nice Guy - Kindle edition by Glover, Robert. Self-Help Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


No More Mr. Nice Guy - Kindle edition by Glover, Robert. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.



www.amazon.com


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lawrence N said:


> It’s absolutely embarrassing to be rejected constantly, by my wife, and then to overhear Her say… “I have sex with him to keep him happy”.


Do you understand just how fundamentally damaged her view of you and respect for you is?

Even if you were getting hot sex 7 days a week, this statement by her to someone else (I'm assuming a friend or relative) would be enough for you to have a come to Jesus talk with her about dissolving the farce your marriage is.

Mrs. C has never developed an attitude like your wife but I did correct her about sharing too much information about our intimacy with one of her sisters one time even though it was complimentary.

Your sex life should be between you and your wife. I also doubt (hopefully) that she would have said that to your face.

She is disrespecting you and humiliating you to those outside your home.

There is so much more wrong with your relationship than sexual frequency which I was trying to infer in my first post.

Your wife doesn't respect you. She doesn't see you as a mate (sexual interest). There is something amiss with the foundation of your relationship.

I hate labels like alpha and beta but your focus on household chores in regards to anything regarding status is just off.

Chores need doing. They aren't pros or cons when it comes to sexual interest or status at all.

This is embarrassing and stupid but I didn't even do one load of laundry until I was in my 40's and I was traveling so I had to. I don't have a long history of being great at chores at all though I don't shirk household chores. I have also never lacked for sexual interest, attention or frequency.

Chores equate to nothing when it comes to status or sexual interest. They just need doing so the house isn't disgusting.

Your wife doesn't sound like a partner but more like one of your children. 

She might not even view herself in a healthy way either.

I wonder if she feels like an add on or trophy in your life. Mrs. C is absolutely my partner and she knows I need her. If she doesn't take care of some things, they won't get done.

Now I can tell a few things about you two from your posts but what you really need is to get into each other's heads and business to figure out what's happening.

Why not get some counseling together?

If you do, make sure and research and vett the counselor well, otherwise you will end up with a dipstick telling you to do more chores.😉

P.S. I'm not even laying all this on your wife BTW. You posted so I'm talking to you from your point of view.

I'm laying odds that your wife isn't content with the situation either and she might be saying what she is to others as a way to vent or try and work out what she is feeling with her emotions.

You two might be able to turn things around.

She really might not be as averse to sex as you think.

You also might run into the same issues with most women in a long term relationship because wherever you go, there you are.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I should also add that during the backing off phase you have to have a better attitude toward her than ever. Don’t turn into pissed off grumpy asshole guy. It’s easy to do but now is not the time for that. Be pleasant, funny, charismatic but do it for you and your kids, don’t be doing it to kiss up to her. Use this time to improve your relationship with your kids.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. C has never developed an attitude like your wife but I did correct her about sharing too much information about our intimacy with one of her sisters one time even though it was complimentary.


Hypothetically speaking of course how would you feel if your wife’s best friend from high school asked if you had a big penis and she confirmed at was as the friend suspected. Asking for a friend. 😂


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CallingDrLove said:


> Hypothetically speaking of course how would you feel if your wife’s best friend from high school asked if you had a big penis and she confirmed at was as the friend suspected. Asking for a friend. 😂


It's funny but I would still be against it. My sister in law actually directly hit on me later.🙄


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Lawrence N said:


> @gaius
> All the alpha males, I know, complete 100 percent of the house hold chores when they are single because they live clean lives.
> 
> As I have stated, I am married with children, and I complete 80 percent of the chores because I teach my children to live clean lives. The 20 percent I will not clean are my wife’s dishes, her laundry, her car cleaning needs, etc.
> ...


So your wife is incapable of teaching your kids to live clean lives? You have to be the one to do it? 

A lot of men come on here with the same problem you have and mention the same thing. I do most/all of the chores. To the woman it often seems to come off as an almost desperate attempt to please her. Like if you scrub the toilet hard and long enough she's suddenly going to get turned on. And it always has the opposite effect. 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> True.
> 
> I have a theory that the crisis point where someone starts thinking about leaving happens at 3:1. So if the LD can get under that ratio then the marriage will likely not be in crisis.
> 
> ...


But it also depends on the quality of sex... twice a week of crap sex, no thank you!


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? Is there anything from your history together..such as infidelity.. that she may hold resentment for..because it can grow over time. Has she gone to the doctor to have her hormone levels checked?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Also people often over look that after child birth sex can be painful as well. 

If you think she doesn't love you then go. No one should stay in a loveless marriage. However you have a lot going on here with a new baby. I imagine it's been this way for a while so why keep having babies?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@Lawrence N , there have been some questioning posts that might help illuminate your situation better if you would respond to them.

Are you sure your situation can be summed up with the simple question "Should I stay or should I go?"

I'm willing to bet there is a lot more to this and probably a lot of room for you both to work on improving your marriage.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Lawrence...

You're kind of an enigma... on one hand you can't leave because the kids... on the other your wife isn't meeting your sexual needs. All the while, you state, more-or-less that 'you take care of business in/ outside the house. You seem like a straight shooter and can make decisive calls. 

Marriage is hard. But you gotta make some kind of Lawrence decisive call here. What can you live with? Almost bare-bones sex frequency or seeing kiddos every other weekend?

Now, I can absolutely see where you are coming from... been there myself. However, just some food for thought.... WHAT IF your frequency and your wife's desire increased... not to daily... but say 3 times a week? (And you could see the squint in her eye as you were having your way with her.) Could you live with that? I think you could.

I _thought_ it was a frequency thing when I went through a drought in my marriage bed. But what I found out... it was quality (desire) I needed... that my wife wanted it as much as I did.

If you want things to actually get better with your wife-

Getting her to desire you again... step back from your gut feeling right now and stop the every other day sexual approaches. I would assume that since you bring home the bacon in dump trucks (no pun... you sound like you are knocking it out of the park... and GOOD for you), you have the high respect of men in your field. As a man, if I commanded that kind of success and respect among piers... then I would, in turn, assume the same with my wife... that she held high regard and respect for me... because I would be a top-tier provider. Breaking news- it doesn't always work that way for women... maybe when they 1st meet you... but over time... nah.... you can't just hang your hat on that and expect honeymoon-type sex to remain constant. 

Add to that... you seem to be deeply involved with the kids. I am the same way... and you would _think_ that would get me some brownie points at home. Well... no dice. That's simply an expectation my wife had and probably the correct one.

Provider- check
Good dad- check
In shape- check

Now we get to the gritty stuff.

Do you still 'date' your wife? Do you guys go out? Do you have a sitter? Does extended family support you with the kids?

Sure, it's hard to swallow but apparently, women loose sexual desire/ interest overtime... I can get that TO A POINT. BUT not- 'Oh, I just do it to keep him happy.' I will not understand that nor will I tolerate it. 

BUT you should explore this with her. There's something 'there' that has diminished YOUR attractiveness to her. Find that out. Not in one night... but in the RIGHT way that only you know how because only you know her. And do it as amiably as possible... don't do it in a fashion that creates resentment towards her in your heart or the other way around. 

You can have a young family and still have passionate sex. It's not going to hanging from the rafters stuff... but it can happen. 

Good on you for not wanting to cheat. That's defenitely not how to fix anything. 

I sense you would actually be MUCH happier if the frequency increased and your wife absolutely wanted it too. MIght not be everyday... might not be getting stripper poles and having her slide down them in your master... but I think you would be in a much better place. Might just be me though. 

Otherwise... change it up. Pursue some hobbies or activities with other males once a week or whatever you feel would be 'fair.' Just don't do things that create any further resentment in your heart in/ around the house. If you already 'know' what does... stop doing those things. 

Bottom line- I wouldn't be so fast to throw it all away without giving it your absolute best attempt to salvage things. There is defenitely 'something' there on her side that needs figuring out by you both together. Finding that out is the key. You are going to have to swallow some pride and push back the resentment to try for a better marriage and an improvement in your sex life. If your kids mean that much... I think it's worth trying.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Lawrence N said:


> It’s absolutely embarrassing to be rejected constantly, by my wife, and then to overhear Her say… “I have sex with him to keep him happy”.


Ouch... would be hard to get over that... Next time you are talking to a friend and she is in ear shot...maybe say "i pretend to like her to keep her happy".


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So this must be the thread that sparked the other thread to complain about men.

@Lawrence N 

I am curious how you initiate intimacy with your wife.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> If you are really trying to get in her knickers every day when you know that she is only good for handing out some duty sex a few times a month, that is just pssing her of and making her resentful and turning her off even more.


I was going to say the same thing. If I ask my husband for it too much, he really doesn't like it and then at that point, I feel like I'm begging as well. Sometimes I don't ask at all and make him come to me. Other times, I try to be playful about it, every couple of days or so. 

Has she considered having her hormones checked? She obviously wanted it at one point in time - you guys have 3 kids. Everything will get figured out


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I was going to say the same thing. If I ask my husband for it too much, he really doesn't like it and then at that point, I feel like I'm begging as well. Sometimes I don't ask at all and *make him come to me. Other times, I try to be playful about it, every couple of days or so.*
> 
> Has she considered having her hormones checked? She obviously wanted it at one point in time - you guys have 3 kids. Everything will get figured out


I would suggest to stop asking, and stick to the solution you already have


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I would suggest to stop asking, and stick to the solution you already have


It works sometimes... until he starts wondering if I'm cheating for leaving him alone...

And you guys say that women are confusing


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Have you sat her down and explained everything to her? It is frustrating when one partner withholds from another. Sex in your marriage is important to you and its also very healthy.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I don’t understand. You’re getting the sex you want. Do you really care if she’s into it? That seems controlling.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t understand. You’re getting the sex you want. Do you really care if she’s into it? That seems controlling.


I’m kind of puzzled by what this comment even means?

If wanting to be desired and not liking duty sex is controlling then I guess every last one of us with a Y chromosome is a control freak.

As a man I want to be loved but if I’m not desired as well then it’s pointless.

Addendum: Obviously referring to romantic partners and not my mom for example. 

Or maybe I misunderstood your comment.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

CallingDrLove said:


> I’m kind of puzzled by what this comment even means?
> 
> If wanting to be desired and not liking duty sex is controlling then I guess every last one of us with a Y chromosome is a control freak.
> 
> ...


It’s a lot to expect to control both the action AND the feeling behind it. It just seems like it’s never enough. You want sex on demand, you’re not interested in how she feels but expect her to give it up regardless, so if she’s cooperating why do you care if she isn’t into it?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I disagree with advice that suggests if you’re being treated like garbage, to basically give similar treatment back. To me, you’re with the wrong person entirely if you need to morph into a completely different person or a worse version of yourself to gain respect from your spouse.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s a lot to expect to control both the action AND the feeling behind it. It just seems like it’s never enough. You want sex on demand, you’re not interested in how she feels but expect her to give it up regardless, so if she’s cooperating why do you care if she isn’t into it?


Literally all I’ve got to respond to this is my best impression of Butthead saying “uh? what?”

To quote another Mike Judge (a great Texan) production, you seem to have a jump to conclusions mat.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s a lot to expect to control both the action AND the feeling behind it. It just seems like it’s never enough. You want sex on demand, you’re not interested in how she feels but expect her to give it up regardless, so if she’s cooperating why do you care if she isn’t into it?


A man wanting his own wife to desire him and show romantic interest, and yes, have sex more than once a month is controlling? People throw that word around pretty loosely.

The man works and provides for her needs, he does 80% of the housework, and takes care of his kids as much as her.

He simply wants his wife to love him. Having a roommate is not having a lover. He married her because he thought she was his friend AND his lover. Now she’s at best a friend.

OP is not a bad guy for wanting her to be his his lover, too. He definitely doesn’t want to just have sex with her. He wishes she still wanted him and it was a mutually pleasurable experience for them both again like it once was. She, for whatever reason, is not acting like a wife; OP is understandably upset, and has no desire to force her to do anything.

I’m sure if he feels he has to force his own wife to want him, he would prefer to divorce her if not for losing time with his kids, which is also an admirable quality.

Whats hard to understand here?


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


Play the odds man. If you are only having martial relations with her 3x a month, try to work that up to 5-6 times a month to start with. Be kind when you talk to her. Also if you can do something extra to help create that extra time/space that could help too. Also you should probably have some kind of permanent sterilization done so she isn’t even more stressed about that anymore. I also want to add that I think 3x a month is a great love life. But I know everyone has different needs.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s a lot to expect to control both the action AND the feeling behind it. It just seems like it’s never enough. You want sex on demand, you’re not interested in how she feels but expect her to give it up regardless, so if she’s cooperating why do you care if she isn’t into it?


The OP is not describing a healthy loving relationship where both partners treat each other well and the wife has sexual desire for her husband and vice versa. Yes, she may have sex on a particular night where she’s not really into it but is open to it because she knows it would please her husband and she loves him. If she’s not at all into it he respects that an takes a no as no big deal.

That’s not he’s describing. He’s describing a situation where a wife NEVER has sexual desire for her husband and basically tells her friends she does it to shut him up.

This would be like telling a woman that sure he’s phoning it in without emotion but he goes to work, takes good care of her, is loyal, takes care of the kids, remembers birthdays and anniversaries, takes her on dates so she better not expect heartfelt emotion from him because that’s controlling.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Comments like these are going to make me VERY suspect any time I hear a woman file for divorce and claim her husband is controlling.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> A man wanting his own wife to desire him and show romantic interest, and yes, have sex more than once a month is controlling


I don't mean that it's controlling. I mean, has he told her what he expects? Perhaps show her a porn and say "act like her," then she will know how to behave? Are we sure the wife knows what he expects of her? She can't know unless someone tells her, maybe she isn't underperforming on purpose?


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Green Light: Woman wants to have sex and either initiates or is hoping her husband does

Yellow Light: Woman isn’t particularly horny but husband initiates and she says “what the hell, I love the big fella and a quickie will be fun and then I’m off to sleep”

Red Light: Woman is definitely not feeling it tonight and she either communicates this directly before he initiates or as he initiates or he just intuitively picks up on it. No one gets upset and everyone gets a few minutes extra sleep.

A healthy relationship is a combination of all 3 of these. The OP is exclusively getting red lights and a fourth category of resentful duty sex. Except his red light category people do get upset.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't mean that it's controlling. I mean, has he told her what he expects? Perhaps show her a porn and say "act like her," then she will know how to behave? Are we sure the wife knows what he expects of her? She can't know unless someone tells her, maybe she isn't underperforming on purpose?


I can only respond from my perspective, but I as a man can feel it if a woman isn’t into it. And no matter how beautiful or how great the “performance” is, the experience is awful.

I was with an extraordinarily beautiful woman once that was a great performer as you say, but I could tell she wasn’t all that into it ANy of the 4 times that night…. The next day we talked and I asked her if she really liked sex or not really. She said I could have all I wanted, she didn’t mind and it was good, but she could take it or leave it and it didn’t matter to her. She had actually asked me to marry her and come live with her. She was fairly wealthy, too.
I stopped seeing her. That was our last date.

One of my dealbreakers is you actually have to want me sexually. It would be a dealbreaker for 99% of men if they knew it up front. I respected the lady for her straightforwardness.

If the OP’s lady just doesn’t feel it anymore, I suppose it happens. But there’s not too much more hurtful than knowing one’s wife isn’t into them anymore.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I can only respond from my perspective, but I as a man can feel it if a woman isn’t into it. And no matter how beautiful or how great the “performance” is, the experience is awful.
> 
> I was with an extraordinarily beautiful woman once that was a great performer as you say, but I could tell she wasn’t all that into it ANy of the 4 times that night…. The next day we talked and I asked her if she really liked sex or not really. She said I could have all I wanted, she didn’t mind and it was good, but she could take it or leave it and it didn’t matter to her. She had actually asked me to marry her and come live with her. She was fairly wealthy, too.
> I stopped seeing her. That was our last date.
> ...


Hell, I’d argue that guys who’ve watched a lot of porn are pretty good at spotting a faker.

I’m sure this will be interpreted as pro porn when it’s nothing of the sort.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> It works sometimes... until he starts wondering if I'm cheating for leaving him alone...
> 
> And you guys say that women are confusing


Hmmm step up the obvious and tone down the subtle, if you get my meaning.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s a lot to expect to control both the action AND the feeling behind it. It just seems like it’s never enough. You want sex on demand, you’re not interested in how she feels but expect her to give it up regardless, so if she’s cooperating why do you care if she isn’t into it?


Ah! The old- Quantity vs. Quality argument. 

Lot of truth here. 

Like i said earlier... I think quite a few men would be surprised at just how much quality can overcome a lack of quantity. 

I really do. 

I can see both sides... if you asked me at the low depths of my sexual happenings with my wife... quantity would have been #1... no questions asked. 

Quality ended up winning. And so did we.


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## Labcat (9 mo ago)

Lawrence N said:


> @deidre
> …how could my wife have given herself to all those other men but turn her husband away so often? I cannot figure out how her sexual cravings have dried up.


You misunderstand the way women’s sexuality works. Any sex she had before marriage and kids was had in a completely different context. I can assure you she didn’t have sex with all those men just as an effort to find one to “trap”. It’s very typical for a woman’s desire/sex frequency to naturally decline when in a long-term relationship, especially with kids. And frankly, it’s typical for men too (though of course not as pronounced). Sex every day is not a reasonable expectation, unfortunately. If you have kids with her and love her, it personally seems extreme to divorce her because you’re only getting sex once every 10 days as opposed to every day.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm step up the obvious and tone down the subtle, if you get my meaning.


I don't. Not at all.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I don't. Not at all.


Ok, let me give you an example, assuming you are making him come to you/being playful/teasing him - which is great, but there are two approaches:

The obvious approach in initiating sex would be dressing up in something deliberately sexy (lingerie for example, his fav dress, etc), flirting with him, letting him know what you want. A subtle tease is dressing up in something more subtle (towel, t-shirt and nothing else, etc), not flirting, but teasing him and denying him without making it implicit what you are after.

I prefer the latter, but it seems it has flown straight past your husband's head 🤦‍♂️ Hence my suggestion to make it more obvious what you want (him and him only).


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Labcat said:


> If you have kids with her and love her, it personally seems extreme to divorce her because you’re only getting sex once every 10 days as opposed to every day.


I don’t doubt you feel that way. On the other hand I feel it would be extreme to stay married to someone, if I was only sharing sex with them, once every 10 days.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Labcat said:


> Sex every day is not a reasonable expectation, unfortunately


Why is it not a 'reasonable' expectation? 

I keep reading posts like this essentially saying the same thing. Like after the wedding and/or when the kids arrive, life is so much work, everyone is exhausted, yada yada. Maybe that is how most couples roll, but personally don't see this as the right attitude for a long HAPPY marriage.

Just FWIW, the wife and I have always had this same exact 'expectation', because we have always enjoyed being intimate with one another and because it is part of our daily routine. Kinda like eating, sleeping, taking a shower. It ain't much work, takes like 30 minutes - hour of a day. Exhausting? lol. How about invigorating. We don't consider it unreasonable at all. Since retiring, every day is the minimum if we aren't recovering from a sports injury or Covid.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Why is it not a 'reasonable' expectation?


It is if you are a couple like you... the variables amongst couples are endless. So, for some couples is not a reasonable expectation. Everybody is coming from a different perspective. That's why I find black and white or absolute statements rather unhelpful. Some people like having sex everyday, other people like reading Count Dracula on the toilet. We all different.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Labcat said:


> Sex every day is not a reasonable expectation, unfortunately.


“Expect” is an interesting term. What you can have is a certain desire level and then WANT your partner to satisfy that desire. There is nothing unreasonable about desiring to have sex with your partner every day.


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## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


women don’t go off sex they go off men who don’t treat them right or they are attracted to someone else or feel out of love

they also go off men who need everything done for them

you go on about you can go out and find many women willing t have sex with you WOW
Maybe do your poor wife a favour go off with these amazing nymphs lol

Hope you never get I’ll and can’t have sex and she wants it

it’s you not her you you you that’s all we read

did you quote how much you can help her ?
Help her with your children your cooking your clean your washing yours ???

your a big I am man that is probably a turn off how you expect x y z that’s not a loving happy marriage - you may think your good in bed but most likely your not doing it for her …..

100% if she has children and your working she will be tired have you ever looked after children fulltime it’s a 24/7 thing 52 weeks the year.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Labcat said:


> You misunderstand the way women’s sexuality works. Any sex she had before marriage and kids was had in a completely different context. I can assure you she didn’t have sex with all those men just as an effort to find one to “trap”. It’s very typical for a woman’s desire/sex frequency to naturally decline when in a long-term relationship, especially with kids. And frankly, it’s typical for men too (though of course not as pronounced). Sex every day is not a reasonable expectation, unfortunately. If you have kids with her and love her, it personally seems extreme to divorce her because you’re only getting sex once every 10 days as opposed to every day.


You are definitely not speaking for all women and you do not understand how women's sexuality works yourself.

While I believe OP has a lot of room to work on his marriage, and I think he should try, his wife is being completely ridiculous and also disrespectful for humiliating him by talking to others about her bedroom issues and at the same time, not discussing them with her husband.

Aside from life getting in the way, regular and even daily sex is very healthy.

Admittedly, there are both men and women who are not healthy in the sexual arena and are sex averse for a number of reasons. They should be educated to understand to avoid marriage unless they get healthy because marriage is supposed to involve a lot of sex.😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> other people like reading Count Dracula on the toilet.


🤣👍 I initially read this as Count Chocula!😆


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lawcher62 said:


> women don’t go off sex they go off men who don’t treat them right or they are attracted to someone else or feel out of love
> 
> they also go off men who need everything done for them
> 
> ...


Your situation is not everyone's.

There are quite a few reasons a spouse might not be having sex and many of those reasons turn out to be nonsense.

It's understandable in many as well. Having a slovenly, obese, disrespectful turd of a partner would put just about anyone off.


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## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

Lawrence N said:


> @oldshirt it’s not quite every day that I advance on her… but pretty close to it. Do you suggest I just wash my hands and walk away from our sex life? She’ll get exactly what she wants. She’ll have a fancy house, fancy cars, three children, a couple dogs, a husband that comes home to her every night and she doesn’t have to “put out”. She wins… I lose. Sounds reasonable if I were a ****.


Wow have you looked at yourself and thought why she is really not sexually attractive to you 

it’s all about you

you don’t see she maybe tired depressed anxious bored

you think all you have is just because of you

she doesn’t have to put out ?????
You sound like a spoilt man baby - your attitude is why she won’t be attracted to you sexually she once was very sexually actively as she was happy she obviously isn’t now it will be because you expect sex every day 
The quality is more important 
Tbh most coupes have kids sex then they have kids a house a job and it dwindles 
Also she may be plain tired and doesn’t want ir need sex lots that’s her right 

if sed is the only thing that’s wrong here your throwing away everything and your having a tantrum which is controlling
You maybe need to seek therapy and ask them why do you NEED and demand sex if you any have what you want you’ll throw away your wife 

you sorry to say need to see yourself here - so yoI leave her meet someone new loads Of sex then it dwindles for many reasons
You dump them 
Go through it again and again 
You do know there are sex therapists out there


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## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> There are lots of women between ages 35-45 that are sex crazed like teenage boys. Plenty of women want daily sex. OP just married a dud. He should correct the problem.


Married a dud lmao

no she doesn’t fancy him as he has an attitude of what he wants he should get


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

thought I’d add a little more projection to this thread.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lawcher, are you OP’s wife? Did you know that there are women that actually like sex?
They want sex when they’re angry, happy, sad, and sone even chase their husbands around the house. Those who don’t, well they make up excuses why they would if their husbands did whatever or stopped doing whatever. I’ve heard women say they had lousy hysbabds and would f him once in a while to get their needs met, but hated him.
They still wanted.

OP may have a wife that just doesn’t like sex anymore. He’s upset about it. He didn’t say he was unwilling to fix whatever she needs on his end. I’m sure he’d probably do anything to get his wife to WANT him. He hasn’t mentioned forcing her to do anything.

why the bad attitude?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> why the bad attitude?


Read some of her threads and you will have your answer...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Ok, let me give you an example, assuming you are making him come to you/being playful/teasing him - which is great, but there are two approaches:
> 
> The obvious approach in initiating sex would be dressing up in something deliberately sexy (lingerie for example, his fav dress, etc), flirting with him, letting him know what you want. A subtle tease is dressing up in something more subtle (towel, t-shirt and nothing else, etc), not flirting, but teasing him and denying him without making it implicit what you are after.
> 
> I prefer the latter, but it seems it has flown straight past your husband's head 🤦‍♂️ Hence my suggestion to make it more obvious what you want (him and him only).


I sent him pictures in some lingerie, and my wedding dress half on. We will see how it goes. He turned me down yesterday when I put my hand under his shirt because he 'had a headache'


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I sent him pictures in some lingerie, and my wedding dress half on. We will see how it goes. He turned me down yesterday when I put my hand under his shirt because he 'had a headache'


Try not to initiate, more motivate him to initiate. Send him pictures teasing him depending on his favorite parts of your body. Check out my nutty thread on the men's clubhouse to get an idea what gets engines rolling for men, we are visual creatures after all. Focus on turning him only, let him do the rest.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Try not to initiate, more motivate him to initiate. Send him pictures teasing him depending on his favorite parts of your body. Check out my nutty thread on the men's clubhouse to get an idea what gets engines rolling for men, we are visual creatures after all. Focus on turning him only, let him do the rest.


His complaint last week was that I never initiate it - he always has to start it. By starting it, he means saying 'you know it's clean down there'.... There isn't much foreplay. But anyways - that doesn't matter. The pictures worked. He left the bar, right after I sent them and came straight home. He cooked us a late dinner snack, we had some Jameson and long story short - I think 4 hours of sleep is adequate enough to get the day done right 😆 😆 😆


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> His complaint last week was that I never initiate it - he always has to start it. By starting it, he means saying 'you know it's clean down there'.... There isn't much foreplay. But anyways - that doesn't matter. The pictures worked. He left the bar, right after I sent them and came straight home. He cooked us a late dinner snack, we had some Jameson and long story short - I think 4 hours of sleep is adequate enough to get the day done right 😆 😆 😆


Hahaha that's how it's done! 😂  

OP should take note too lol


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Labcat said:


> If you have kids with her and love her, it personally seems extreme to divorce her because you’re only getting sex once every 10 days as opposed to every day.


This is exactly how I felt when I got married. I have learned that this mindset is wrong, for me and many other people.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Hahaha that's how it's done! 😂
> 
> OP should take note too lol


It only worked because he was having a good time with the guys. He very much lets outside interfere with inside. He belongs to a drinking club and if there's crap going on with them - then its no bueno. Yesterday was good.


RandomDude said:


> Hahaha that's how it's done! 😂
> 
> OP should take note too lol


Wednesday morning is going to be his morning. I'm going to do all of the work to make this fun again. We are leaving Wednesday evening for a very long drive to see a sick family member. It's not always about me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> It only worked because he was having a good time with the guys. He very much lets outside interfere with inside. He belongs to a drinking club and if there's crap going on with them - then its no bueno. Yesterday was good.
> 
> Wednesday morning is going to be his morning. I'm going to do all of the work to make this fun again. We are leaving Wednesday evening for a very long drive to see a sick family member. It's not always about me.


Aye, real life does get in the way too, try to schedule date nights and quality time dedicated to each other. He does have to make effort too, I agree, that is something you can bring up.

I never support people asking for sex, for me it just kills the whole mood, but asking for time dedicated to each other is another story.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He says that we do that every night when we are watching tv together. He really can be a pain in the ass sometimes.
> 
> Yesterday, I decided to tell him that tomorrow is 'national give your husband a blow job until he cums in your mouth day' and that we should honor the day in celebration. He enjoys the playfulness. Sometimes.


🤦‍♂️

Nah nah he has to put in the effort too in this, set a standard. That's just being lazy take turns in planning outings/dates each week or month for a start. It was my ex's idea and it actually worked for us see if you can do something similar.

Honestly he truly has no idea what he has, I would be so fortunate to have someone who can tease and play like this instead of simply demanding more sex.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> 🤦‍♂️
> 
> Nah nah he has to put in the effort too in this, set a standard. That's just being lazy take turns in planning outings/dates each week or month for a start. It was my ex's idea and it actually worked for us see if you can do something similar.
> 
> Honestly he truly has no idea what he has, I would be so fortunate to have someone who can tease and play like this instead of simply demanding more sex.


He knows this. We are heading to Florida tomorrow to see his family and when we get back, I'm going to suggest it to him


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He knows this. We are heading to Florida tomorrow to see his family and when we get back, I'm going to suggest it to him


Thats a good plan, know that you are doing everything right and its time for him to do his part too!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Thats a good plan, know that you are doing everything right and its time for him to do his part too!


He does too. I can't put it all on him. And he's getting better about things. Yesterday, when he was changing my brake pads - he got really mad and started his tantrum so I went in to the house. After he got the pad on, he came in and got me and said 'sometimes you just have to get mad and cuss it out for it to work' and told me to come back outside.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Lawcher62 said:


> women don’t go off sex they go off men who don’t treat them right or they are attracted to someone else or feel out of love
> 
> they also go off men who need everything done for them
> 
> ...


Well said. Durn, are you the wife? 😮😮👍👍


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

So my comments on this thread were deleted because it's a 'threadjack'? What does that mean?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So my comments on this thread were deleted because it's a 'threadjack'? What does that mean?


Talking about something not about the topic of the thread.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Talking about something not about the topic of the thread.


Oh. Thank you!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Oh. Thank you!


Nothing wrong with relating your own experience, but try to always relate it back to what the OP is dealing with or talking about.

OP is struggling with being rejected and, I think from your story, you share in that same plight. Use what you've been through to help the OP. I find doing that often can provide some insight and help for your own issues.

@Lawrence N Does your wife know you over heard this conversation? Any thoughts about hers and your extraordinarily high sexual partner count impacting interest in sex now. I would be incline to think it might be hard to compete with all that past history of new sexual partners. It seems hard to top the excitement of a new sexual partner and your wife has done so more than 80 times. It doesn't seem to be an issue for you, but maybe for her the lack of novelty has made her lose interest.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@Lawcher62,
You’re correct about only one thing. I don’t treat her right. After years of rejection I have built a wall up and I have become emotionally detached from my wife.

I am very certain that she has other men on her mind especially ex lovers. Does she have a current emotional or physical attachment to another man… possibly emotionally but I doubt physically.

I’ll answer the rest of your comments as you addressed each of your thoughts:

1. “they also go off men who need everything done for them”…
I don’t depend on my wife to do anything for me. As I have said in my post. I complete 70 to 80 percent of the household chores… including cooking dinners, cleaning up after dinners, cleaning common living areas, cleaning children's rooms, completing all of my laundry and all our children's laundry, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning bathrooms. I take out trash daily and keep our home organized. I mow our yards and keep up on our landscape and garden areas. I complete all car maintenance too.
I do all if that on top of working my career.

My wife lived an a tiny, unkept, apartment when I met her. She was a single mother. she drove an unpredictable vehicle. Now she is married, three children, lives in a massive home and drives two luxury vehicles…(I am currently restoring her classic vehicle for her as well).

I take pride in providing a good life for my wife. I don’t need anything from a woman except one thing… I need my wife to understand that Physical Touch is my primary love language. When we are physically intimate we have a beautiful life.



2. “you go on about you can go out and find many women willing t have sex with you WOW
Maybe do your poor wife a favour go off with these amazing nymphs lol”…
Yes, I stated I can have sex when ever I choose, outside of our marriage… but I do not. I took a vow to only experience physical intimacy with one woman… and that woman is my wife.

3. “Hope you never get I’ll and can’t have sex and she wants it”…
If you meant to say, “hope you never get ill and can’t have sex and she wants it”… Thats a really aweful thing to hope for someone. I would never hope someone becomes ill. But even if I did become ill I am very certain my wife would not need or want to have sex with me… (my original post explained that my sex life, with my wife, is pretty much non-existent already. She’s not going to need or want sex, from me, in the future if I become ill).

4. “it’s you not her you you you that’s all we read”…
Isn’t the purpose of this forum to ask questions about marriage? How am I supposed to gather helpful advice if I do not share things about myself?

5. “did you quote how much you can help her ?
Help her with your children your cooking your clean your washing yours ???”…
Yes I did quote that in my original post. I also reiterated that information in my a comments above… in my first answer.

6. “your a big I am man that is probably a turn off how you expect x y z that’s not a loving happy marriage - you may think your good in bed but most likely your not doing it for her …..”
Yes I am a big man. I do not expect anything from my wife. I don’t expect anything from anyone. I actually am very good in bed. But I don’t think I’m good in bed with my wife… rejection, overtime, can lead to an emotional disconnect between two people. Emotional connection is the most important quality about sex for me… so after years of rejection I have pulled away emotionally from my wife… so you’re probably correct… my wife and I are not good in bed together at this time.

7. “100% if she has children and your working she will be tired have you ever looked after children fulltime it’s a 24/7 thing 52 weeks the year.”
Did you read my post at all? I take about 50 percent of the responsibilities of raising our children on top of everything else that I do for my wife and our family.

In closing… if you have nothing of substance to share in your thoughts, (because you obviously didn’t comprehend my original post), please keep your thoughts to yourself. Do you know how absolutely hard it was for me to open up and attempt to share how painful it is to be rejected by my wife? I am not a man that discusses such personal matters… I thought I was safe to discuss things here because I could be anonymous and I could actually receive some helpful feedback. Most of what you communicated was rubbish and you kind of came across as a prick.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> @Lawcher62,
> You’re correct about only one thing. I don’t treat her right. After years of rejection I have built a wall up and I have become emotionally detached from my wife.
> 
> I am very certain that she has other men on her mind especially ex lovers. Does she have a current emotional or physical attachment to another man… possibly emotionally but I doubt physically.
> ...


I asked before but still waiting on an answer, how do you initiate intimacy with your wife?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would be incline to think it might be hard to compete with all that past history of new sexual partners. It seems hard to top the excitement of a new sexual partner and your wife has done so more than 80 times. It doesn't seem to be an issue for you, but maybe for her the lack of novelty has made her lose interest.


I was having a difficult time contemplating 200 women, let alone 80 men. Together 8 years, so imagine in early 30s, but that partner count during early twenties. Wouldn't those habits die hard? Is it possible that the wife isn't satisfied with the same old same old. The frequency would have been say 80 men in 5 years or a new one every month or so. Surprising that OP, with a new one every week or so isn't bored as well. 

Both OP and wife must be very attractive to have decided to settle for one another. Old habits usually die hard.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I asked before but still waiting on an answer, how do you initiate intimacy with your wife?


It really honestly doesn't sound like he does, because he does gloat a lot.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If the relationship is totally unbalanced, and you provide everything while she gives you nothing…….. you are right to consider divorce of and only if you explain your problem wit her and provide her opportunity to fix it. If you feel you’ve done that, award her the cash and prizes she likely expects and move on.

Doing more for her is unlikely to get her to do more for you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> If the relationship is totally unbalanced, and you provide everything while she gives you nothing…….. you are right to consider divorce of and only if you explain your problem wit her and provide her opportunity to fix it. If you feel you’ve done that, award her the cash and prizes she likely expects and move on.
> 
> Doing more for her is unlikely to get her to do more for you.


In a big way.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@BecauseSheWeeps
I don’t initiate sex anymore. I’ve stopped embaracing myself. When I did initiate I would do things like this:

Send flirtatious texts in the morning to attempt intimacy through out the day. She would typically not respond. Instead she would text… “look at what we can buy… XYZ”

Most often times, when sex would happen, is when she would want something…ie. a landscape project in our front and back yard. Her classic car needed to be restored. She wanted a new luxury car for our growing family. She wanted new furniture for the home… etc. etc. etc. She was down with sex before I delivered the item of her interest… once she got said item(s) sex would dry up.

I reinforce how attracted I am to her. That didn’t work. She does not respond with her attraction level towards me.

I would buy flowers and trinkets to show her my love. That didn’t work.

I would build her Small crafts that’s she’d been dropping hints about wanting / needing. That didn’t work.

I lift weights and complete my fitness to be more sexually attractive. That doesn’t work.

I would plan dates and over night stays at hotels. To get away from the children and attempt physical intimacy. Once the date was over and we’d return to the hotel…. She’d always give excuses as to why she wasn’t in the mood. Typically no sex occurred.

(On our five year wedding anniversary I planned the whole night. We went to a very posh restaurant and I implemented the humor and flirting strategy. It seemed to be going well. On the way home I suggested getting frisky in the SUV…. (Because the children were at home where we were headed back too). She was very Much not interested. I got nothing that night at home either).

I also did things like this too: If ever we did have sex.. I would text her and reassure how hot the sex was the night before and how much I couldn’t wait to do it again… I would never get text back with similar interest. (But she sure wanted to let me know how ****ty her day was or some other negative thought).

I would tell her how beautiful and sexy she is often. That never works.

I would solidify my attraction towards her with embracing her or kissing her when I return home from work.

I have even done things like: I one time sent her away to a concert with her friends. While she was at the concert I spread four dozen rose pedals all over our master bedroom and bathroom. I lit about a dozen candles and waited for her to return home. When she got home I showed her to our bedroom and she looked around like I had wasted so much time and energy… no sex occurred that night… I was so embaraced… like other romantic efforts…

Also… when we do have sex… I make sure to get her to climaxe and I thoroughly enjoy her body. I really try hard to make sure she wants a return trip another night.

I am not always into romance. I try to mix it up… I run the gauntlet of love / passionate sex to hard kinky **** sex. I explore gentle and hard touch. I try to explore all things I can think of to keep our sex life fun. She doesn’t attempt the same practice.

Heres the reasons doesn’t have sex with me and also the reasons why she does not, EVER, initiate sex with me:
1. It feels unnatural. I’m too interested in sex. So I would pull away my interest in sex with her.
2. She doesn’t like her body after the children… even though I tell her gently that I think she’s the most beautiful woman as far as my eyes I can see.
3. She has acne… she doesn’t have acne.
4. Her skin isn’t healthy… she’s gorgeous… I scratch my head at that…
5. She’s too ticklish… I stop caressing her gently and get more forceful with my touch.
6. Her neck hurts…. I massage it.
7. She’s tired… I let her sleep in and take responsibility of things that would wake her up.
8. She’s stressed out… I unburden her stresses by listening to where I can help.
9. The children don’t give her time to herself… even though ive tried to make sure she dies get time to herself.


----------



## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@RandomDude, post: 20529678, member: 18952"]
I asked before but still waiting on an answer, how do you initiate intimacy with your wife?
[/QUOTE]

I don’t initiate sex anymore. I’ve stopped embaracing myself. When I did initiate I would do things like this:

Send flirtatious texts in the morning to attempt intimacy through out the day. She would typically not respond. Instead she would text… “look at what we can buy… XYZ”

Most often times, when sex would happen, is when she would want something…ie. a landscape project in our front and back yard. Her classic car needed to be restored. She wanted a new luxury car for our growing family. She wanted new furniture for the home… etc. etc. etc. She was down with sex before I delivered the item of her interest… once she got said item(s) sex would dry up.

I reinforce how attracted I am to her. That didn’t work. She does not respond with her attraction level towards me.

I would buy flowers and trinkets to show her my love. That didn’t work.

I would build her Small crafts that’s she’d been dropping hints about wanting / needing. That didn’t work.

I lift weights and complete my fitness to be more sexually attractive. That doesn’t work.

I would plan dates and over night stays at hotels. To get away from the children and attempt physical intimacy. Once the date was over and we’d return to the hotel…. She’d always give excuses as to why she wasn’t in the mood. Typically no sex occurred.

(On our five year wedding anniversary I planned the whole night. We went to a very posh restaurant and I implemented the humor and flirting strategy. It seemed to be going well. On the way home I suggested getting frisky in the SUV…. (Because the children were at home where we were headed back too). She was very Much not interested. I got nothing that night at home either).

I also did things like this too: If ever we did have sex.. I would text her and reassure how hot the sex was the night before and how much I couldn’t wait to do it again… I would never get text back with similar interest. (But she sure wanted to let me know how ****ty her day was or some other negative thought).

I would tell her how beautiful and sexy she is often. That never works.

I would solidify my attraction towards her with embracing her or kissing her when I return home from work.

I have even done things like: I one time sent her away to a concert with her friends. While she was at the concert I spread four dozen rose pedals all over our master bedroom and bathroom. I lit about a dozen candles and waited for her to return home. When she got home I showed her to our bedroom and she looked around like I had wasted so much time and energy… no sex occurred that night… I was so embaraced… like other romantic efforts…

Also… when we do have sex… I make sure to get her to climaxe and I thoroughly enjoy her body. I really try hard to make sure she wants a return trip another night.

I am not always into romance. I try to mix it up… I run the gauntlet of love / passionate sex to hard kinky **** sex. I explore gentle and hard touch. I try to explore all things I can think of to keep our sex life fun. She doesn’t attempt the same practice.

Heres the reasons doesn’t have sex with me and also the reasons why she does not, EVER, initiate sex with me:
1. It feels unnatural. I’m too interested in sex. So I would pull away my interest in sex with her.
2. She doesn’t like her body after the children… even though I tell her gently that I think she’s the most beautiful woman as far as my eyes I can see.
3. She has acne… she doesn’t have acne.
4. Her skin isn’t healthy… she’s gorgeous… I scratch my head at that…
5. She’s too ticklish… I stop caressing her gently and get more forceful with my touch.
6. Her neck hurts…. I massage it.
7. She’s tired… I let her sleep in and take responsibility of things that would wake her up.
8. She’s stressed out… I unburden her stresses by listening to where I can help.
9. The children don’t give her time to herself… even though ive tried to make sure she dies get time to herself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Uh, that hurts…


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@BecauseSheWeeps, post: 20531148, member: 354669"]
It really honestly doesn't sound like he does, because he does gloat a lot.
[/QUOTE]

I am not one to gloat about myself… I only talk about myself in this dialogue because I’m looking for ideas on how to change things about me… if people don’t know all there is to know about my situation… how will I receive ideas on how to fix my problem?


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@In Absentia, post: 20535286, member: 43957"]
Uh, that hurts…
[/QUOTE]

what hurts… you reading my thoughts or I should be hurt because of my thoughts? I’m not hurt… I’m embaraced to know I married the wrong woman…


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lawrence N said:


> @In Absentia, post: 20535286, member: 43957"]
> Uh, that hurts…


what huts… you reading my thoughts or I should be hurt because of my thoughts? I’m not hurt… I’m embaraced to know I married the wrong woman…
[/QUOTE]

Hurts because you are not getting where you want to be, and you are really trying everything.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@Rus47, post: 20529680, member: 348951"]
I was having a difficult time contemplating 200 women, let alone 80 men. Together 8 years, so imagine in early 30s, but that partner count during early twenties. Wouldn't those habits die hard? Is it possible that the wife isn't satisfied with the same old same old. The frequency would have been say 80 men in 5 years or a new one every month or so. Surprising that OP, with a new one every week or so isn't bored as well.

Both OP and wife must be very attractive to have decided to settle for one another. Old habits usually die hard.
[/QUOTE]

I undrestand that the numbers seem like a lot… but I’m 43… I lost my virginity at 13. Therewere about 22 years of single life for me. I thoroughly enjoyed women and the excitement of dating. I don’t think 200 is unreasonable my wife is six years younger than me… lost her virginity at 13 too… so a number of 80 plus or minus a few seems reasonable to me.

The decision to marry each other other was probably a bad one… the sex dried up before marriage and I should have walked away. But now, here we are, married with children… I have a hard time walking away from my children.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> I don’t initiate sex anymore. I’ve stopped embaracing myself. When I did initiate I would do things like this:
> 
> Send flirtatious texts in the morning to attempt intimacy through out the day. She would typically not respond. Instead she would text… “look at what we can buy… XYZ”
> 
> ...




Seems she only responds when she desires something materially.

When you first met her, were you already successful financially or professionally?


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@RandomDude, post: 20535304, member: 18952"]


Seems she only responds when she desires something materially.

When you first met her, were you already successful financially or professionally?
[/QUOTE]

When I met her I had just returned home from Australia. I was not financially successful at that time… because I deliberately took time off from chasing money and spent time over seas. My track record showed that I was very capable of financial success though. She knew one thing about me…once I decided to get back into the making money game it would be a benefit to her… the past eight years I have focused major attention to my financial success… for my family success…


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> I undrestand that the numbers seem like a lot… but I’m 43… I lost my virginity at 13. Therewere about 22 years of single life for me. I thoroughly enjoyed women and the excitement of dating. I don’t think 200 is unreasonable my wife is six years younger than me… lost her virginity at 13 too… so a number of 80 plus or minus a few seems reasonable to me.
> 
> The decision to marry each other other was probably a bad one… the sex dried up before marriage and I should have walked away. But now, here we are, married with children… I have a hard time walking away from my children.


Sex dried up before marriage already? The passion is dead from looks of things, she may even be getting it elsewhere, your dynamics sound transactional. 

Honestly, she does not deserve you. If you were to divorce what would be the consequences? How old are your children?


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@RandomDude, post: 20535307, member: 18952"]
Sex dried up before marriage already? The passion is dead from looks of things, she may even be getting it elsewhere, your dynamics sound transactional.

Honestly, she does not deserve you. If you were to divorce what would be the consequences? How old are your children?
[/QUOTE]

Yes our marriage is probably not salvageable. A divorce would mean separation from myself and the children. I stay married so I don’t miss time with them. Her child is 11… I raise her as my own. Our children are 4 years old and 1 year of age. I do not like the idea of being away from my children… I definitely do not like the idea of another man raising my children after we divorce… so I stay married. There will be the gutting news of financial payments every month under the disguise of child support… but what ever… the real reason I don’t want a divorce is solely for the reason of me being vacant from my childrens life daily…


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> > @RandomDude, post: 20535304, member: 18952"]
> >
> >
> > Seems she only responds when she desires something materially.
> ...


Yeah, this is the type of stuff you keep under the rug, but I don't know how much you flaunted it... it could also be how you focused your attention on your financial success, instead of her continuing to see you as a sexual being you became nothing more than her bacon bringer.

Does this sound like the case? Just theorising now be because of how transactional your dynamics are / have become. Was it always like this?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> > @RandomDude, post: 20535307, member: 18952"]
> > Sex dried up before marriage already? The passion is dead from looks of things, she may even be getting it elsewhere, your dynamics sound transactional.
> >
> > Honestly, she does not deserve you. If you were to divorce what would be the consequences? How old are your children?
> ...


Damn... no chance of it being amicable? How about live-in coparenting and opening up the marriage? It just sounds dead sorry to say, like the passion dried up and nothing left but business, no offence intended of course but this is what it looks like...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Damn... no chance of it being amicable? How about live-in coparenting and opening up the marriage? It just sounds dead sorry to say, like the passion dried up and nothing left but business, no offence intended of course but this is what it looks like...


I guess I never really divorced my wife because I didn’t want another man raising my children.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@RandomDude, post: 20535310, member: 18952"]
When I met her I had just returned home from Australia. I was not financially successful at that time… *because I deliberately took time off from chasing money and spent time over seas. My track record showed that I was very capable of financial success though*. *She knew one thing about me…once I decided to get back into the making money game it would be a benefit to her…* the past eight years I have focused major attention to my financial success… for my family success…
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this is the type of stuff you keep under the rug, but I don't know how much you flaunted it... it could also be how you focused your attention on your financial success, instead of her continuing to see you as a sexual being you became nothing more than her bacon bringer.

Does this sound like the case? Just theorising now be because of how transactional your dynamics are / have become. Was it always like this?
[/QUOTE]

I’m not one to flaunt my financial success publicly… and definitely not to women I’m dating. I honestly think that my wife, previous to me meeting her, Had a lot of sex for one reason… to capture and trap a man. Many men saw through her ploy. I on the other hand moved in with her with in three months… started raising her daughter. Once that happened the sex tapered off. I, being trapped in her web, (even though the sex was tapering away the moment we moved in together), decided to stay with her and her daughter hoping the sex would change to a healthy frequency. I messed up… I decided to marry her and Neil up my coffin tight by having two children with her… you’re very correct… we have a transactional sex life. It’s pathetic. I have gone from a very accommodating suitor to a pathetic, married with children, man. How I miss the dating world where I was wanted and chased after.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> I guess I never really divorced my wife because I didn’t want another man raising my children.


If the divorce is amicable and both are on the same page with co parenting it's much easier, otherwise it may indeed get very complicated as you mentioned


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@In Absentia, post: 20535313, member: 43957"]
I guess I never really divorced my wife because I didn’t want another man raising my children.
[/QUOTE]

Exactly where I’m at… I don’t want another man raising my children…


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@RandomDude, post: 20535318, member: 18952"]
If the divorce is amicable and both are on the same page with co parenting it's much easier, otherwise it may indeed get very complicated as you mentioned 
[/QUOTE]

I do know one thing for certain… if we divorce she will go after my earnings… and she’ll probably go have sex a lot of men, (including some of the exes that still attempt to orbit our marriage), straight away just to piss me off… but no worries… I’ll be very happy to show off the sexy, young, successful, ladies I will soon to be with too. Lol


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> I’m not one to flaunt my financial success publicly… and definitely not to women I’m dating. I honestly think that my wife, previous to me meeting her, Had a lot of sex for one reason… to capture and trap a man. Many men saw through her ploy. I on the other hand moved in with her with in three months… started raising her daughter. Once that happened the sex tapered off. I, being trapped in her web, (even though the sex was tapering away the moment we moved in together), decided to stay with her and her daughter hoping the sex would change to a healthy frequency. I messed up… I decided to marry her and Neil up my coffin tight by having two children with her… you’re very correct… we have a transactional sex life. It’s pathetic. I have gone from a very accommodating suitor to a pathetic, married with children, man. How I miss the dating world where I was wanted and chased after.


You have the benefit of knowing what went wrong and where you stand now though, but damn... 17 more years for you. We both know it's beyond salvaging as well, there's nothing to salvage because none of it was even real, it was a ploy from the start.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> > @RandomDude, post: 20535318, member: 18952"]
> > If the divorce is amicable and both are on the same page with co parenting it's much easier, otherwise it may indeed get very complicated as you mentioned
> 
> 
> I do know one thing for certain… if we divorce she will go after my earnings… and she’ll probably go have sex a lot of men, (including some of the exes that still attempt to orbit our marriage), straight away just to piss me off… but no worries… I’ll be very happy to show off the sexy, young, successful, ladies I will soon to be with too. Lol


Would pay to get legal advice to see where you stand from that perspective as well, get a better view of your options. She has got it made it seems.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Would pay to get legal advice to see where you stand from that perspective as well, get a better view of your options. She has got it made it seems.


yeah I’m basically F’d either way… mate


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> yeah I’m basically F’d either way… mate


Some consequences you can't avoid, but you can mitigate, find small solutions, like opening up the marriage and be live in co parents for example if you think it could work, but she will leech off your success. No way around that, divorce or no. 17 years is a long time to wait for an empty nest.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lawrence N said:


> @In Absentia, post: 20535313, member: 43957"]
> I guess I never really divorced my wife because I didn’t want another man raising my children.


Exactly where I’m at… I don’t want another man raising my children…
[/QUOTE]

well, yes… massive sticking point… 🙁


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

@RandomDude, post: 20535328, member: 18952"]
Some consequences you can't avoid, but you can mitigate, find small solutions, like opening up the marriage and be live in co parents for example if you think it could work, but she will leech off your success. No way around that, divorce or no. 17 years is a long time to wait for an empty nest.
[/QUOTE]

Yes… I married a leech… best thought on this entire thread. Opening up the marriage won’t work. She doesn’t enjoy sex. Like I said she only uses it to trap men. She will not go for me having an open relationship because she will fear of her losing me to another more capable woman.

I’m telling you… she’s trapped me. She wonin that regard. I was a fool to marry her… even though I’ve not been foolish with women in my past.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I wasnt suggesting the count was “unreasonable” but that with that much background, surprising that either of you would/could settle for one person. And to pull that many partners you both must be unusually attractive to opposite sex. 

Seems you have twisted every knob and pulled every lever with no results. Frankly it sounds exhausting, and rather pointless. If she doesnt care to jump your bones, very doubtful she ever will. At your age, are you ok spending next 20-30 years living as you are now? I wouldn’t be, but it is your life. You only get one.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lawrence N said:


> @RandomDude, post: 20535328, member: 18952"]
> Some consequences you can't avoid, but you can mitigate, find small solutions, like opening up the marriage and be live in co parents for example if you think it could work, but she will leech off your success. No way around that, divorce or no. 17 years is a long time to wait for an empty nest.


Yes… I married a leech… best thought on this entire thread. Opening up the marriage won’t work. She doesn’t enjoy sex. Like I said she only uses it to trap men. She will not go for me having an open relationship because she will fear of her losing me to another more capable woman.

I’m telling you… she’s trapped me. She wonin that regard. I was a fool to marry her… even though I’ve not been foolish with women in my past.
[/QUOTE]
You’re a fool for not getting a side honey and keeping her trapped. Or, hold over her head an item she wants or a trip she wants and lay all the pipe you can. Outsmart her.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Have you heard of the 180? Used to be thrown out there a lot in situations like these... I think it could be useful. 

Are you ready to give up the relationship. As in, REALLY, ACTUALLY ready? If so, then I highly recommend researching and performing the 180, to the letter. Mindset is important. It cannot be a "ploy" to get something from her. It must be genuine. 

Use the process to start creating emotional space between you 2. As is, you are clearly still attached, even as frustrated as you are. Focus on yourself, FOR yourself, not as a means of increasing intimacy with your wife. 

Another thing to consider is the "open" or "trial open" marriage. You need to be forthright about where you are at, and how serious it is, directly, without it being a threat to induce action on her part.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Lawrence N said:


> @RandomDude, post: 20535328, member: 18952"]
> Some consequences you can't avoid, but you can mitigate, find small solutions, like opening up the marriage and be live in co parents for example if you think it could work, but she will leech off your success. No way around that, divorce or no. 17 years is a long time to wait for an empty nest.


Yes… I married a leech… best thought on this entire thread. Opening up the marriage won’t work. She doesn’t enjoy sex. Like I said she only uses it to trap men. She will not go for me having an open relationship because she will fear of her losing me to another more capable woman.

I’m telling you… she’s trapped me. She wonin that regard. I was a fool to marry her… even though I’ve not been foolish with women in my past.
[/QUOTE]

Don't beat yourself up too much about it. I know it sucks but it happens to other guys as well. I am one of them. Wife doesn't work. Doesn't like sex. Doesn't want to discuss it. Just today we got into a huge argument about it all.

Not intending to hijack your thread, just wanted to let you know others are going through that same thing.

Best of luck!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lawrence N said:


> > @RandomDude, post: 20535328, member: 18952"]
> > Some consequences you can't avoid, but you can mitigate, find small solutions, like opening up the marriage and be live in co parents for example if you think it could work, but she will leech off your success. No way around that, divorce or no. 17 years is a long time to wait for an empty nest.
> 
> 
> ...


Yup, like a mouse in a sticky trap:








No real way you can get out of this without tearing some of your skin off.

Depends which part of you that you reckon you can sacrifice I'm afraid.
I would nuke the marriage and suffer the consequences accordingly, it sucks for your children but it already sucks for them in a dysfunctional family that may likely just get worse, but that's just my opinion.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The real prisons are in and of the mind.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lawrence N said:


> I’m telling you… *she’s trapped me*. She won in that regard. I was a fool to marry her… even though I’ve not been foolish with women in my past.


You are only a prisoner because you allow yourself to be one. You have trapped yourself inside of your head. 

Your kids and your wife are really separate issues. Divorcing her doesn't mean you don't see your kids anymore. Instead, they have a more settled and happy father instead of one who feels a fool for marrying their mother. You are aware surely that there are millions of divorced parents with good relationships with their children, cooperatively parenting the kids. There are maybe half of marriages that end in a divorce. The couple can't stand their spouses, but dearly love their kids. And the kids do fine. I observe up close family and friends that prove this is true. 

It would be different if you hadn't had experiences to know that living in a sexually dysfunctional marriage isn't normal, You know from your early experience with 200 (?!) women that your "wife" is a definite outlier. And you know she was fully capable of at least faking it with 80 other men and you until the knot was tied. So she at least had some degree of libido once. Don't you think that divorcing and losing the daily resentment you have now will make the next 2-3 decades of life worth living instead of miserable?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You know that she doesn't love you because she knows that she is hurting you and people do not continually hurt people that they love. I admire your dedication to your kids. It would kill me too seeing another man raise my kids and you know that if you divorce, she will immediately go out on the prowl to find your replacement to trap. 

Nothing you have tried works, so if it were me, I would cut her off. Don't meet any of her needs. No more flowers, trinkets, cars, landscaping or furniture. Nothing. Don't put gas in her car, don't open the pickle jar for her. Take care of yourself and your kids and do nothing for her. Take the kids out for dinner and a movie and tell her that she's not invited. Eventually, when she starts b****ing about it, tell her that she's not meeting your needs so you will no longer be meeting hers. You tried playing nice, time to go scorched earth on her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Therein lies the problem, he isn’t going to be happy with getting his needs met, he wants his wife to actually want sex with him, to be romantically interested……. There’s no fix for that. Maybe hypnotism?
love potion #9???

divorce her. There’s no men that are going to be likely to raise your kids because she will mistreat them the same way. She’s a con artist.

Or, con her as well and stop treating her as a wife. It’s not like you’re getting treated as a husband. If she wants to stay married in this manner, give her what she wants….. just go get what you want as well.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Therein lies the problem, he isn’t going to be happy with getting his needs met, he wants his wife to actually want sex with him, to be romantically interested……. There’s no fix for that. Maybe hypnotism?
> love potion #9???
> 
> divorce her. There’s no men that are going to be likely to raise your kids because she will mistreat them the same way. She’s a con artist.
> ...


Amen to this! I just ran in to a bout with my husband - I was being patient with him - flirty. Trying to get in to his head space and the porn out. Then Friday, I found out that my attempts failed. I was heart broken. So I texted him yesterday and told him to bare with me while I tried to get my feelings in order because on one end - i knew that I was failing and felt that I should stop chasing him because he obviously doesn't want it but then on the other end - I never want to give up on my husband. At the end of the day - he came to me crying, telling me that I was right and he was in the wrong and that he was going to work on it. Long story short - 

Give her a taste of her own medicine and do you for a while. If they don't want us to peruse them and chase them - then stop for a while. It sucks and it hurts but sometimes we have to do it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Personally I couldn't have left my children and only see them some of the time but that's me. I would have sacrificed anything for my children. I could never have left them.
> 
> Talk to your wife. Tell her what you have said here and how unhappy you are. If you want sex daily and she wants sex once a week or 10 days maybe you can compromise to say twice a week?
> Is having sex because she loves you and wants you to be happy so bad?


Yes, however, than all he gets is that duty sex.
That, also is hurtful and not satisfying.

His wife told her friend that she only puts out to keep her husband happy.

It could very well be, that the wife still enjoys sex, just not with her husband.

1) She may resent him.
2) She may not find him sexually attractive.
3) She takes care of her needs with her BOB, because her husband does not do it for her.
4) She has a boyfriend.

One of these would be my guess.



_Lilith-_


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, however, than all he gets is that duty sex.
> That, also is hurtful and not satisfying.
> 
> His wife told her friend that she only puts out to keep her husband happy.
> ...


Or she's a lesbian


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, however, than all he gets is that duty sex.
> That, also is hurtful and not satisfying.
> 
> His wife told her friend that she only puts out to keep her husband happy.
> ...


Or maybe ALL of them


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Or she's a lesbian


I don't know. A woman that hopped on 80 wangs before marrying a man makes a pretty bad lesbian.

Somebody needs to clue her in so she stops eating at hot dog stands if she wants tacos.😉


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> I don't know. A woman that hopped on 80 wangs before marrying a man makes a pretty bad lesbian.
> 
> Somebody needs to clue her in so she stops eating at hot dog stands if she wants tacos.😉


I have quite a few family members that have been with a lot of men.. probably more than 80

And even more women. It's possible

Maybe having children broke her?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maybe she's done with men.
And she's done with "hards".


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Nothing kills sexual passion in women like marriage. Good luck to you!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I have quite a few family members that have been with a lot of men.. probably more than 80
> 
> And even more women. It's possible
> 
> Maybe having children broke her?


Let's go with no on that. I've no proof mind you, of course, but it at least seems women have been having sex, kids, and still have sex for a few years now historically speaking, 
some would say forever.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Nothing kills sexual passion in women like marriage. Good luck to you!


I know thats a big generalization but aside from what I read here, I think its true. Most of my guys friends complain about their sex lives and in many of the online places I hang out that are like this place, its far more guys talking about their poor sex lives than good ones.

There are indeed some fortunate men (and women) here but when I read and see the general stats, it appears more people are unhappy in their married sex life than happy?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, however, than all he gets is that duty sex.
> That, also is hurtful and not satisfying.
> 
> His wife told her friend that she only puts out to keep her husband happy.
> ...


I would add a #5 She is just no longer interested in sex.

I think that happens too.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I know thats a big generalization but aside from what I read here, I think its true. Most of my guys friends complain about their sex lives and in many of the online places I hang out that are like this place, its far more guys talking about their poor sex lives than good ones.
> 
> There are indeed some fortunate men (and women) here but when I read and see the general stats, it appears more people are unhappy in their married sex life than happy?


That’s my experience too. Not that it makes it better.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> That’s my experience too. Not that it makes it better.


Yeah having a high libidio works against many (both men and women).

That guy in the other thread who said his wife wants sex way more than he does might be in the best situation?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Yeah having a high libidio works against many (both men and women).
> 
> That guy in the other thread who said his wife wants sex way more than he does might be in the best situation?


Not really. @ccpowerslave said ( and sounds right to me ) that difference in ideal frequency of more than 3:1 HD:LD was trouble zone no matter gender. If a couple can't get to within that band, their marriage is headed for certain trouble. So if the OP you are thinking of is ok twice a month and his wife wants it every other day, that is a ratio of 1:7 husband:wife. She is going to be going for the pool maintenance guy or UPS delivery driver unless the husband more than doubles his effort.

Neither gender is going to want to live long with a dud for a partner in a marriage. Yes, maybe some will tough it out for decades because of the kids or finances or whatever. But it is like a box of dynamite in a hot storage building, just waiting for an opportunity to detonate. The HD partner's resentment builds to a breaking point eventually.

And why should they put up with it? We don't marry so we will have a golf partner or someone to watch TV with, or share the household chores with. How many guys on here complaining that they do all of the household chores and the wife still doesn't jump his bones? She didn't get married to have someone wash the dishes or clean the kitchen.

People get married to share sex with one another (a lot) and procreate. If that ain't happening, what is the point?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BTW my 3:1 figure was based on myself as an example but also a few months of reading r/deadbedrooms as well as some posts on TAM. That’s not to say 3:1 is great, but the marriage is not in crisis at that point. Worse than that and yeah it’s in crisis.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Yeah having a high libidio works against many (both men and women).
> 
> That guy in the other thread who said his wife wants sex way more than he does might be in the best situation?


For whooo, said the Wise Owl?

Not for her, she is unsatisfied.
Not for him, he is low dee.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Not really. @ccpowerslave said ( and sounds right to me ) that difference in ideal frequency of more than 3:1 HD:LD was trouble zone no matter gender. If a couple can't get to within that band, their marriage is headed for certain trouble. So if the OP you are thinking of is ok twice a month and his wife wants it every other day, that is a ratio of 1:7 husband:wife. She is going to be going for the pool maintenance guy or UPS delivery driver unless the husband more than doubles his effort.
> 
> Neither gender is going to want to live long with a dud for a partner in a marriage. Yes, maybe some will tough it out for decades because of the kids or finances or whatever. But it is like a box of dynamite in a hot storage building, just waiting for an opportunity to detonate. The HD partner's resentment builds to a breaking point eventually.
> 
> ...


Yeah I agree but the numbers I see don't reflect that as it seems like many are unhappy. I have said it before, a few of you have been fortunate to find comparable partners....the rest of us have to keep looking.

And I want to believe your last sentence is true about people getting married for sex but I just don't believe it based on what I have seen and read.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> For whooo, said the Wise Owl?
> 
> Not for her, she is unsatisfied.
> Not for him, he is low dee.


But at least he is not frustrated with his situation as much as if he was Hi and she was Lo.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> BTW my 3:1 figure was based on myself as an example but also a few months of reading r/deadbedrooms as well as some posts on TAM. That’s not to say 3:1 is great, but the marriage is not in crisis at that point. Worse than that and yeah it’s in crisis.


You should TM that, something like the Golden SD Ratio 



FloridaGuy1 said:


> But at least he is not frustrated with his situation as much as if he was Hi and she was Lo.


He isn't frustrated, but is she? Without closely matched sex drives, someone is always going to be left feeling a little unsatisfied.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Yeah I agree but the numbers I see don't reflect that as it seems like many are unhappy. I have said it before, a few of you have been fortunate to find comparable partners....the rest of us have to keep looking.
> 
> And I want to believe your last sentence is true about people getting married for sex but I just don't believe it based on what I have seen and read.


Some interesting stats from a survey of about 2,000 people on a site a frequent for information. 









What do couples do when one wants sex and the other doesn't? - Uncovering Intimacy


Curiuos what other couples do when one spouse is in the mood and the other isn't? We were too. Here's what we learned of our survey of over 1300 spouses.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Three cogent points from that survey IMO:

I think we have bought into the idea that women don’t want sex.
I think men are terrified of rejection, more than anything else in the world.
I think we preemptively guess that there are going to be rejections, *so we don’t initiate as often as we feel desire, and as a result, we miss out on a lot of opportunities.*
This is obviously written by a man. By and large a man expects and is expected to be the initiator. If he doesn't initiate, the wife will begin thinking her husband doesn't desire her, creating resentment and insecurity, death spiral. Someone mentioned "asking" the wife for sex. I have been married a very long time and have NEVER 'asked'. That just seems such a foreign concept to me. She very well knows when I am interested lol.

I will also acknowledge beng blessed that my wife has NEVER 'rejected' my advances. We have both always enjoyed one another's company. If there is a physical problem, she will preempt before things get out of hand by saying something like :"the pizza we had for dinner isn't agreeing with my stomach" or similar and offer to take care of my situation by other means. And if the stomach calms down late in evening, she may wake ME up. But "too tired" or "have a headache" or "that's all you think about", nope.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I have been married a very long time and have NEVER 'asked'. That just seems such a foreign concept to me. She very well knows when I am interested lol.


This is key. In our marriage sex is assumed to be on the table. That doesn't mean it always happens 100% of the time, but my wife knows I will ALWAYS be interested in sex with her. I don't ever ask outright, unless it fits with the moment and I use it as part of initiation. I'll only ask, Wanna F?, if I know the answer will be an emphatic YES! Otherwise I do things to get her turned on and it will happen organically. 

And when I say always, I mean always. My wife occasionally has trouble sleeping. In some of those instances she will wake me up at 2am to have sex cause she knows I'll be down for it before my eyes are even completely open, lol, and an good session will help put her to sleep.


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## aquawoman (Sep 5, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I will also add that very few women with a 1 year old are going to be sexpots.
> 
> If you are expecting high-octane, monkey sex every day in an 8 year relationship with 3 kids including a one year, that is not entirely realistic.
> 
> ...


YES TO ALL YOU SAID HERE!!! Older mid-50s gal here,....been married almost 37 yrs, and I don't get it at ALL!!! Been over 6 years without FOR ME!! It dropped off the planet with my husband, with no explanations that are anything remotely close to anything of value or truth...I believe he's cheated several times as no man goes from sex a few times a month, or the few years prior, it was about 5-6x a year, but it all started waning when he tried to control it back in 06! Totally him doing so. He went to a Dr appt, I went with him, and he mentioned to the Dr that he was having ED issues....UHHHH first time I HAD HEARD THIS FROM HIM...he'd never discussed it with me AT ALL!!!! That is when he started controlling our sex life. He had a huge porn issue from the early 2000s, into the mid-2000s, but I'm sure it's been all these years since I just quit putting in efforts to try to track it,... it's exhausting. Mind you,, I am an attractive woman, not searching but I am sick and tired of NOT having ANY PHYSICAL touch, intimacy, SEX....no needs to be met except for a toy which he hated for decades...it freaked him out he would say that I bought a toy over 22 yrs ago. It was forbidden prior to, as he would seriously degrade me for wanting one. Of course, he had always been quite the selfish lover,....I didn't have my 1st orgasm until 9 yrs into our marriage. I tried to experiment with him, have fun, but he was stoic, just wham bam,...done. He NEVER tried to satisfy me....it was only by accident that we discovered a few pleasurable ways that I could orgasm....then after that...I wanted more, and more,...he didn't seem to want to put forth the efforts for my pleasure, just his. I believe he is a narcissist! He used to be more overt, now very covert, maybe malignant too. Tons of shady behaviors, lying daily I tell ya. So the sex on top of all of this...It's so much to contend with but with 4 grown children, almost 10 grandchildren....a long life together...I wish to try to keep it together yet he's making no efforts...literally no efforts....marriage therapy he begged me to go to, he absolutely would NOT do anything the therapists stated, but then again, I think he charmed her, lied to her to manipulate her with his 1st visit by himself with her for content. He put me in the hot seat every session, to take anything away from himself, refused to address real issues, his behaviors, his deceit, lies, etc, etc..It's truly insane behavior. If this guy Lawrence N needs or thinks he needs that much sex....maybe some therapy to figure out what's really going on as that's very excessive, but also like you stated.....over 200 partners? Gees.....Although I do commend him for doing his part in housework etc,...My husband...damn near our entire marriage, has not put forth efforts to do his part in housework, etc. Now we are empty-nesters, he acts like I am solely supposed to cater to him, he does treat me like I am supposed to be his mother yet will state rude, disrespectful things to me if 'he' thinks I am questioning him, his words, actions that 'he' deems may be as a mother!!! My thinking on that....If he'd not act like a petulant entitled child, then, of course, I wouldn't be asking things, needing answers for anything of his extremely questionable behaviors, words, and actions!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

aquawoman said:


> YES TO ALL YOU SAID HERE!!! Older mid-50s gal here,....been married almost 37 yrs, and I don't get it at ALL!!! Been over 6 years without FOR ME!! It dropped off the planet with my husband, with no explanations that are anything remotely close to anything of value or truth...I believe he's cheated several times as no man goes from sex a few times a month, or the few years prior, it was about 5-6x a year, but it all started waning when he tried to control it back in 06! Totally him doing so. He went to a Dr appt, I went with him, and he mentioned to the Dr that he was having ED issues....UHHHH first time I HAD HEARD THIS FROM HIM...he'd never discussed it with me AT ALL!!!! That is when he started controlling our sex life. He had a huge porn issue from the early 2000s, into the mid-2000s, but I'm sure it's been all these years since I just quit putting in efforts to try to track it,... it's exhausting. Mind you,, I am an attractive woman, not searching but I am sick and tired of NOT having ANY PHYSICAL touch, intimacy, SEX....no needs to be met except for a toy which he hated for decades...it freaked him out he would say that I bought a toy over 22 yrs ago. It was forbidden prior to, as he would seriously degrade me for wanting one. Of course, he had always been quite the selfish lover,....I didn't have my 1st orgasm until 9 yrs into our marriage. I tried to experiment with him, have fun, but he was stoic, just wham bam,...done. He NEVER tried to satisfy me....it was only by accident that we discovered a few pleasurable ways that I could orgasm....then after that...I wanted more, and more,...he didn't seem to want to put forth the efforts for my pleasure, just his. I believe he is a narcissist! He used to be more overt, now very covert, maybe malignant too. Tons of shady behaviors, lying daily I tell ya. So the sex on top of all of this...It's so much to contend with but with 4 grown children, almost 10 grandchildren....a long life together...I wish to try to keep it together yet he's making no efforts...literally no efforts....marriage therapy he begged me to go to, he absolutely would NOT do anything the therapists stated, but then again, I think he charmed her, lied to her to manipulate her with his 1st visit by himself with her for content. He put me in the hot seat every session, to take anything away from himself, refused to address real issues, his behaviors, his deceit, lies, etc, etc..It's truly insane behavior. If this guy Lawrence N needs or thinks he needs that much sex....maybe some therapy to figure out what's really going on as that's very excessive, but also like you stated.....over 200 partners? Gees.....Although I do commend him for doing his part in housework etc,...My husband...damn near our entire marriage, has not put forth efforts to do his part in housework, etc. Now we are empty-nesters, he acts like I am solely supposed to cater to him, he does treat me like I am supposed to be his mother yet will state rude, disrespectful things to me if 'he' thinks I am questioning him, his words, actions that 'he' deems may be as a mother!!! My thinking on that....If he'd not act like a petulant entitled child, then, of course, I wouldn't be asking things, needing answers for anything of his extremely questionable behaviors, words, and actions!


So why in the hell are you still married to this POS?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Nothing kills sexual passion in women like marriage. Good luck to you!


I strongly disagree with you on that statement. The moment that my husband and I got married - I never wanted him more.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I strongly disagree with you on that statement. The moment that my husband and I got married - I never wanted him more.


That’s the honeymoon phase. 

It’s 10 years down the road after a number of years worth of diapers and baby puke and mortgages and roof repairs when things get dicey.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Some interesting stats from a survey of about 2,000 people on a site a frequent for information.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Interesting. I like how the perceptions of turning down the spouse for sex are differing. Men see it one way and women the other. I can relate to that as my wife thinks she never says No but I have been tracking it since many here talked about sex journals a while back and I get turned down around 60% of the time (30 - 40% success rate) yet she will say "I only say No a few times per week". Which is partially true as I am initiating around 5-7 times per week and she'll say No around 3-4 times. I guess it all is perception?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Three cogent points from that survey IMO:
> 
> I think we have bought into the idea that women don’t want sex.
> I think men are terrified of rejection, more than anything else in the world.
> ...


Well in your 50 years plus marriage, I have made up for all of your rejections. Somehow I ended up getting all of YOURS AND mine along the way!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Floridaguy,
I swear to you from my experience, most women do want sex. And 35-45 yr olds often want more than men of the same age.

your wife is messed up. Really.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> Floridaguy,
> I swear to you from my experience, most women do want sex. And 35-45 yr olds often want more than men of the same age.
> 
> your wife is messed up. Really.


Well, we are over that age range but I know what you are saying.

And I am sure something is wrong that she doesn't want it more...unless its me??? Maybe I want it too much?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Maybe I want it too much?


How much is too much?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> And I am sure something is wrong that she doesn't want it more...unless its me??? Maybe I want it too much?


All normal, healthy creatures of the animal kingdom have a deep, driving instinct to mate. 

The ones that didn’t are long gone.

If someone has zero interest in being with their partner, there is either -

#1: something wrong with them physiologically or psychologically.

#2: 
Something about their partner that turns them off (or fails to turn them on)

Or #3: something fundamentally flawed with the relationship (often relating back to 1 and/or 2)


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Sfort said:


> How much is too much?


That is a good question


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> All normal, healthy creatures of the animal kingdom have a deep, driving instinct to mate.
> 
> The ones that didn’t are long gone.
> 
> ...


But I think the instinct to mate and have casual sex are two different things. Mating to produce offspring is appreciated by many especially when younger. Having sex later in life just just for the fun of sex seems to not be as appreciated by many.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sfort said:


> How much is too much?


I would say too much is never enough.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Interesting. I like how the perceptions of turning down the spouse for sex are differing. Men see it one way and women the other. I can relate to that as my wife thinks she never says No but I have been tracking it since many here talked about sex journals a while back and I get turned down around 60% of the time (30 - 40% success rate) yet she will say "I only say No a few times per week". Which is partially true as I am initiating around 5-7 times per week and she'll say No around 3-4 times. I guess it all is perception?


It absolutely is perception. You can even agree on an objective metric, but see it differently. 1/week for your is starvation and 1/week for her is plentiful.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Well, we are over that age range but I know what you are saying.
> 
> And I am sure something is wrong that she doesn't want it more...unless its me??? Maybe I want it too much?


If you're initiating 5-7 times/week, and only being turned down 3-4 times/week, that's a 1-4/week times/week frequency - which isn't anywhere near a sexless marriage. Just because she doesn't want it AS much as you doesn't mean she doesn't want it, or enjoy it, or there's anything wrong with either of you. It's just a difference in drive. The only thing that might be a "too much" about it, is if you can't accept that she doesn't want it as much as you and make it a problem.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

My sex frequency has actually picked up some recently from backing off. It went from every 3-4 nights to her expressing a lot more interest and increasingly it’s every other night. I just consciously backed off a little and try not to linger with the hugs and kisses. She can’t accuse me anymore of trying to turn all physical affection into sex.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But I think the instinct to mate and have casual sex are two different things. Mating to produce offspring is appreciated by many especially when younger. Having sex later in life just just for the fun of sex seems to not be as appreciated by many.


I disagree completely. 

Mother Nature makes people horny all the time so they are getting down all the time thus increasing the chances proliferation. 

If actual human reproduction were left up to logic and conscious intent, 70% of the people out there wouldn’t have kids at all and the other 30% would have one kid and then swear no more! 

Mother Nature makes us horny so we keep screwing despite all the hardships and expenses and pain-in-the-buttedness of having kids. 

The earth’s human population would die out in just a few generations. 

It’s horniness that perpetuates the species. Not the logic of childbearing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I disagree completely.
> 
> Mother Nature makes people horny all the time so they are getting down all the time thus increasing the chances proliferation.
> 
> ...


I have not found that to be true at all. Kids are definitely a sex killer for a lot of their caretakers. The hardships are also a sex killer to many. Of course, not all. And Mother Nature didn't make all people horny all the time.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And Mother Nature didn't make all people horny all the time.


Just most of the people most of the time. 

The idea that kids and hardship are a sex killer seems at odds with the very high birthrates in undeveloped countries. Maybe the idea only applies in the “developed” west where any inconvenience is an excuse.

We had 4 kids. Didn't slow their SAHM a bit. We had a lot of financial hardship especially early in our marriage. Irrelevant to our love life. In fact, that was a refuge from the financial worries.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Just most of the people most of the time.
> 
> The idea that kids and hardship are a sex killer seems at odds with the very high birthrates in undeveloped countries. Maybe the idea only applies in the “developed” west where any inconvenience is an excuse.
> 
> We had 4 kids. Didn't slow their SAHM a bit. We had a lot of financial hardship especially early in our marriage. Irrelevant to our love life. In fact, that was a refuge from the financial worries.


That's more about women having no say in the matter those places. 50 percent of marriages worldwide are arranged.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> That’s the honeymoon phase.
> 
> It’s 10 years down the road after a number of years worth of diapers and baby puke and mortgages and roof repairs when things get dicey.


Not true. 27 year anniversary in July and went three times today👍


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> 50 percent of marriages worldwide are arranged.


Source(s) please?

55% worldwide arranged per "56 Marriage Statistics: 2020/2021 Global Date, Analysis & Trends"


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Source(s) please?


Google What percentage of marriages are arranged? And that's just the arranged ones. You think women in most arranged marriages have any say on whether to have sex or not? Very rarely. Doesn't even account for the ones where marriage and babies are encouraged young, so young the women don't know what they're getting into, like 15. If they're lucky, they have better parents who don't want them to do that that young, but I'm living in Texas, and it's obvious the impact of that here. It's visible.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kids are a hardship……. Geez, people are so freaking weak nowadays. Stressed for this, stressed for that, needing antidepressants….

btw, kids never had any effect on my sex life. Maybe just a few rejections over the years due to actual tiredness…. And I can honestly say I handled those rejections terribly as a young man. People that want to have sex, do.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> I don't patronize google. What reference(s) did it give?
> 
> Are you saying that in a non-arranged marriage, given the choice, most women would not have sex after they had to take exhausting care of one child? And if they have any 'hardships', they also won;t want sex? So wouldn't a corollary be that non-arranged couples would have at most one child ( only the ones experiencing no hardship ), which is less than 1/2 replacement procreation?
> 
> I just realized this is off-topic of the original thread. So, will start a thread to explore this "kids are a sex killer" further. Apologies


Rus, you didn't provide any references for your post, so do your own homework. I told you where to find it, which anyone would already know. If you don't like google, pick another search engine. I'm just saying half the world still do arranged marriages and those women don't have much choice in the matter. You made a general statement without any references yourself that births are proof of horniness. Ridiculous.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

We men that do not like to have sex……… they think that every other woman is like they are. 
everyone thinks that how they are is normal. Except me, I’m normal and everyone else isn’t.😋


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## Schek (Jul 2, 2019)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


Go. Find someone who likes the sweat-fest you crave and DON'T marry that woman. Just play around & enjoy your genitals. Why not? P.S. Maybe your performance is at the bottom of that 80 men list she claims.


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> You can have all the arguments stacked up about how alpha you are or attentive etc. regardless of your view of yourself and how you would define yourself, it's how your wife views you and her definition of you that is the crux of your problem.
> 
> What you are to your wife is something non manly or nonsexual and more like a pet or roommate.
> 
> ...


I just found this forum and I gotta say it's a breath of fresh air. I've been saying this for a long time after learning the hard way many years ago.

I hope the OP becomes much more assertive with these responses. Don't settle for less than what makes you happy just to meet in the middle as a normal course of action. Daily sex has enough positives to it. Do it for her health 

It's like salary requirements when applying for a job. If you ask for a small amount, you get a small amount, but this time you don't get marginal increases year over year. You have to be willing to lose it all to find what you want. If the answer is no, you probably wouldn't fit in with the culture there anyway.

Ok, enough with the analogies.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


200 women....80 men.....you both are sex addicted


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> There are lots of women between ages 35-45 that are sex crazed like teenage boys. Plenty of women want daily sex. OP just married a dud. He should correct the problem.


I'm one of those sex crazed teenage boys over here but we are learning to work with it. My husband no longer tells me no, and I rarely bring it up anymore so we've come to a base line of atleast 3 times a week when he is home, whether he is able to finish or not. I hate that he doesn't always finish but it doesn't seem to bother him. Yesterday, he said that all that really matters is that he is pleasing me when we do it. 

OP didn't marry a dud. I rarely wanted sex with my first husband. It just wasn't on my radar.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm one of those sex crazed teenage boys over here but we are learning to work with it. My husband no longer tells me no, and I rarely bring it up anymore so we've come to a base line of atleast 3 times a week when he is home, whether he is able to finish or not. I hate that he doesn't always finish but it doesn't seem to bother him. Yesterday, he said that all that really matters is that he is pleasing me when we do it.
> 
> OP didn't marry a dud. I rarely wanted sex with my first husband. It just wasn't on my radar.


Your husband sounds just like my wife. She can take it or leave it about sex and only does it because it’s taking care of my need. I want a wife who wants it too, and desires me!


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Lawrence N said:


> My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.
> 
> It’s been so bad that I’m thinking of divorcing her. I don’t understand the point of marriage if physical intimacy isn’t something both people long for? My love language is Physical Touch…. So physical intimacy is very important to me.
> 
> ...


Your spouse is a manipulative wife using the kids as an anchor to keep you there.
It is said, however much body count a woman claims to have had, is to multiply that figure by 3 and whatever body count a man claims to have had is to divide that by 3. So in your wife`s case the mind boggles. 
It appears to me on reading your post that you are a beta male and your wife married you as settlement, a mug to help raise her child and support her.
Considering your wife had a promiscuous past and has now gone off of sex completely, than something is off about this because people don`t change.
This seems to me a case of a woman who wants the security and support of a good guy and to party with the bad guys she`d prefer to be with.
I suggest that you begin looking into your wife`s affairs because I wager she`s getting it elsewhere.
Do you have any updates for us?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Interesting dialog here lately but y'all do realize this thread is from May and the OP hasn't been back in 6 months right?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Interesting dialog here lately but y'all do realize this thread is from May and the OP hasn't been back in 6 months right?


My guess is the OP being a typical weak guy is still with his wife, what I describe as the long and suffering.
I`ve known and know lots of guys like that.
Anyway, good luck to him.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Since this thread has been reactivated and may be read by someone in a similar situation, I'll chime in.

I guarantee you she's as miserable as you are. She's stuck in a marriage with a guy who she* believes* only sees her as a **** receptacle, only shows romance and affection as a method of getting into her pants, treats her like she owes him sex whenever she wants something new for the house, etc.

Sex has become something transactional in your marriage. Sex is supposed to be something you both enjoy together, not something you harangue her for until she caves in. If she's not enjoying sex, you have to figure out why.

You treat your wife like some kind of malfunctioning sex appliance instead of a beloved human partner. You are trying all kinds of things to 'fix' her, or worse, just threatening her to induce her to 'fix' herself. This just makes her feel like you consider her a problem instead of loving her and valuing her. That is an incredible turn-off for her, piled on top of the mother-of-three exhaustion suppressing her libido.

The dynamic of a marriage shouldn't be you vs your wife being the problem. It should be you plus your wife teamed up vs the problem. The problem is not that she won't give you sex when you want it unless you bribe her with a new car. The problem is that you have differing sex frequency needs, and you have to come together as a team to figure out what to do about it. Your long history of marital adversity and corresponding loss of emotional connection may make this change extremely difficult to accomplish.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Since this thread has been reactivated and may be read by someone in a similar situation, I'll chime in.
> 
> I guarantee you she's as miserable as you are. She's stuck in a marriage with a guy who she* believes* only sees her as a **** receptacle, only shows romance and affection as a method of getting into her pants, treats her like she owes him sex whenever she wants something new for the house, etc.
> 
> ...


Sex is a part of romance and affection within a marriage unless a couple are very elderly or have health problems.
The sex is giving themselves to each other, complete intimacy that maintains the marital connection.
Sex should not be regarded as something obscene and dirty with a person one loves otherwise without sexual intimacy a married couple become more like 2 people sharing a home.
Besides being a medium of utmost pleasure, (or at least should be if truly into and loving a partner) it helps cultivate love and affection in a marriage. It helps them express their love desire and care for someone without even saying a word. Passion is what drives it and this can enhance and help lead a well balanced and happy married life.
Living together in celibacy or low sex marriage whereas sex is placed on ration and one partner has to literally beg for it is not working together as a team.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

After having sex with 80 men she has had enough sex for a lifetime.

My guess?

She rarely enjoyed it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

GoodDad5 said:


> Your husband sounds just like my wife. She can take it or leave it about sex and only does it because it’s taking care of my need. I want a wife who wants it too, and desires me!


A month ago, we were fighting. He was angry and didn't want anything to do with me. Then we had a huge blow out and almost called it quits but decided to work at things. Him doing this, is his way of trying to make things work so I will take it!


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

If your sex life was great at the start and now she has no interest in you, my guesses are:

- She never was attracted to you and simply wanted to get married and have kids

- You aren’t physically attractive any longer (gained weight, stopped working out)

- She’s temporarily lost interest in sex due to 3 young kids and other responsibilities

- She’s never been in a long-term relationship like this before and she’s not interested in having the same man over and over forever.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> It appears to me on reading your post that you are a beta male and your wife married you as settlement, a mug to help raise her child and support her.


A beta male who slept with 200 women?!?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm one of those sex crazed teenage boys over here but we are learning to work with it. My husband no longer tells me no, and I rarely bring it up anymore so we've come to a base line of atleast 3 times a week when he is home, whether he is able to finish or not. I hate that he doesn't always finish but it doesn't seem to bother him. Yesterday, he said that all that really matters is that he is pleasing me when we do it.
> 
> OP didn't marry a dud. I rarely wanted sex with my first husband. It just wasn't on my radar.


Why do you want it so often with Husband 2 but rarely Husband 1? Was he unattractive or bad in bed?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> How many guys on here complaining that they do all of the household chores and the wife still doesn't jump his bones? She didn't get married to have someone wash the dishes or clean the kitchen.
> 
> People get married to share sex with one another (a lot) and procreate. If that ain't happening, what is the point?


Men are far, FAR too hesitant to divorce. The OP provides her with what she wants (husband, kids, money) and gives him crumbs. If OP is unhappy, divorce first and ask questions later.

By not divorcing over this, he’s helping further the belief that men only divorce when necessary and women divorce when unhappy. If more men had boundaries and divorced, women wouldn’t act this way.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

CraigBesuden said:


> Why do you want it so often with Husband 2 but rarely Husband 1? Was he unattractive or bad in bed?


I was much younger with the first husband and dealing with a lot of trauma as well. My pattern passed when I was 22 from liver failure so I was learning to deal with that. At times, I think I have autism because of how secluded I would like to be.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> A beta male who slept with 200 women?!?


He beta as hell today.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> My guess is the OP being a typical weak guy is still with his wife, what I describe as the long and suffering. I’ve known and know lots of guys like that. Anyway, good luck to him.


There are two ways of looking at duty sex:

1) It’s not ideal and I’m unhappy, so I will divorce.

2) My spouse is doing nothing wrong so I will stay.

It all comes down to whether you take the marriage vows seriously.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Interesting dialog here lately but y'all do realize this thread is from May and the OP hasn't been back in 6 months right?


There’s my update… I gathered enough information from everyone’s thoughts and I changed my life. I started seeing a councilor. I started working heavily on my diet and exercise. I started creating my art again. I purchased new clothes and suits. I have even started caring for my skin and I wear cologne daily. I started focusing on my career path extensively, a new, extremely lucrative position is opening up for me in March. I even hired a hose cleaning service weekly to do the things I used to do so I could focus on me.

Because of the above new mind set I have taken back my life. I stopped perusing my wife. I do not discuss sexual needs with her. I figured out that I needed to find my own inner peace and leave her to find hers.

I decided that a relationship with my children is more important than a relationship with my wife. I have scheduled outings with my children in place of date nights with my wife. Every Friday night I take one of them out on the town… dinner… movies… shopping… museums…concerts… etc.

I decided that my children need to see an example of what a good father, man and husband should resemble. I decided that it would have been too difficult, emotionally for me and my children, to share custody of them… a week on and week off of being with them physically would have been too difficult.

All of the above changes have not improved my physical intimacy with my wife… but through great effort I have found inner peace regardless. I realize I have married a woman that only married me for security and stability… but I’m choosing me and my children over my wife.

I’m happy today.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lawrence N said:


> There’s my update… I gathered enough information from everyone’s thoughts and I changed my life. I started seeing a councilor. I started working heavily on my diet and exercise. I started creating my art again. I purchased new clothes and suits. I have even started caring for my skin and I wear cologne daily. I started focusing on my career path extensively, a new, extremely lucrative position is opening up for me in March. I even hired a hose cleaning service weekly to do the things I used to do so I could focus on me.
> 
> Because of the above new mind set I have taken back my life. I stopped perusing my wife. I do not discuss sexual needs with her. I figured out that I needed to find my own inner peace and leave her to find hers.
> 
> ...


I'm just curious how you can go from sex with over 200 women prior to her and now 5 year into your marriage you are celibate? How are you dealing with that?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lawrence N said:


> There’s my update… I gathered enough information from everyone’s thoughts and I changed my life. I started seeing a councilor. I started working heavily on my diet and exercise. I started creating my art again. I purchased new clothes and suits. I have even started caring for my skin and I wear cologne daily. I started focusing on my career path extensively, a new, extremely lucrative position is opening up for me in March. I even hired a hose cleaning service weekly to do the things I used to do so I could focus on me.
> 
> Because of the above new mind set I have taken back my life. I stopped perusing my wife. I do not discuss sexual needs with her. I figured out that I needed to find my own inner peace and leave her to find hers.
> 
> ...


Have you had any sex with your wife since your first post? What are your plans to meet your sexual needs?


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm just curious how you can go from sex with over 200 women prior to her and now 5 year into your marriage you are celibate? How are you dealing with that?


I found other places in my life to make myself happy. I just finally said F it. I got tired of the negative energy that was being created by my needs not being met. I decided to choose happiness in my mind and spirit… yes physical intimacy is important to me but raising my children and having access to them is more important. I decided to do this because I need them in my life daily and I could not imagine my life with out them. I could not stomach the thought that another man could replace me as their step father and raise them… so here I am working myself and being and active father and roll model.

I will teach my children, as they become older, red flags to look for in relationships so they don’t travel my path.

I decided that life has consequences to all actions. I should have walked away years ago… but children are in my bigger picture I cannot. Who knows… what will happen with my marriage… but I took control of my personal happiness and I’m ok with it all now.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Have you had any sex with your wife since your first post? What are your plans to meet your sexual needs?


Yes… sex has improved and rejections have become less frequent… it’s not perfect but it’s better. I have taken back my masculinity. Making my wife unimportant to my life may have also an impact. I don’t pine after her anymore. I don’t talk about my needs anymore. I don’t argue with her anymore. I don’t discuss emotions with her anymore.

I looked at who I was when I met my wife. I realized that I had changed over the years. I had become boring and complacent. There was no mystery with me. She got it in her head that she didn’t have to compete with other women, for me, because she knew I was Loyal like a dog. Sooo… I changed up everything about me. I dress more attractively. I appear more put together. I resemble a man that appears to be single. I go out with friends and come and go from home as I please. I’m also very muscular now, so that might have had something to do with it. When we go places she notices other women looking at me and flirting with me… so that has helped increase my masculine value too.

I decided to just be happy and fulfill my other needs completely. I reckon she Knows she’s replaceable and if she doesn’t step it up she will be at some point. But I will choose that time not her. Right now I’m all about me happiness and my children’s happiness and that’s enough for now. So that’s where I am at.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I can't fathom why she would step it up under those circumstances. Just piling on more disrespect. I guess you stopped caring so I don't know why you don't just divorce. I think once she figures all this out she'll do that for you.


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## Lawrence N (9 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I can't fathom why she would step it up under those circumstances. Just piling on more disrespect. I guess you stopped caring so I don't know why you don't just divorce. I think once she figures all this out she'll do that for you.


I am not divorcing my wife… if she want that she can have it. I’m staying for my children. My children are my world. I won’t be the one to initiate that abandonment.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Well, if nothing else, it sounds like you're at least living a more peaceful life for yourself. You've risen above the negativity, and that's not easy to do, sometimes. You've had to make the best decision for your own life. Many here would have filed, but if that's not realistic for you, then I hope you find a way to keep experiencing joy in your life. Good luck to you, OP. 🍀


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lawrence N said:


> I am not divorcing my wife… if she want that she can have it. I’m staying for my children. My children are my world. I won’t be the one to initiate that abandonment.


That's what I'm saying. As soon as she figures out what your agenda is here, she will divorce you but that doesn't mean you won't have 50 percent custody of the kids if you are in the US. That would be expected. The only way you'd lose the kids is if you said you didn't want to take care of them or had some big bad problem like addiction or violence.


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