# She cheated, now we are separated



## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

We were together for 9 years, we have two boys aged 2 and 6. I am 34, she is 39. She has a long history of depression and has low self esteem. 

She cheated on me with a 50 year old guy at her work. I caught her sexting this guy about 3 months before she told me she was cheating on me. At the time, I was really hurt and was going to confront the other guy. But I didn't because she pleaded with me not to. SHe promised me it was a mistake and she wouldn't continue. Silly me, i believed her, and low and behold she continued until it became physical. 

In the months after the sexting she started to tell me that she no longer loved me the same way. She started talking about trial separation. She even asked me to move out of my own house. I wanted to go to counseling and she agreed to go with me. After our first session the counselor told us that he needed to work with her only as she needed lots of 'work'. She took offence to this right away. She reluctantly went back for another session. It was at this time when i knew there was something really wrong. I had already started to try harder at home, taking care of the kids and extra chores and such but it was all in vain. She had already left me in her mind many months ago and had attached herself to this new guy. I bought her flowers and confronted her so that i could find out what is going on. This was the day after her meeting with the counselor. She told me she wasn't going back to counseling and she was cheating on me. Worst day of my life. 

We continued to live together taking custody of the kids day to day. On her day off she would leave the house to go sleep with him. I had to relive all the hurt every two days. This lasted two weeks until I gave her an ultimatum. Stop all access or leave. She chose to stop all access and that lasted 4 days. I confronted her again and she just left. Never came back. 5 days later the other guy dumped her. The other guy is also married (30 years apparently) and has one kid about 17 years old. He went back to his wife. She was really angry and i could tell she was really messed up. She got a lawyer so i also did the same. During this whole mess, i never got angry with her and i remained positive with her at all times. I opened my heart to her and told her i was willing to work on the relationship. She told me that she could never forgive herself for what she did and that i am better off without her. She makes it sound like she did this for me, so that i could find happiness somewhere else. We finalized our separation agreement yesterday. We have joint custody, the kids are confused and hurt as well. She is keen on purchasing her own house and starting over. Through my discussions with her, i realized that she still isnt over this guy. SHe still communicates with him daily, even though he is trying with his wife. She told me she is finding a new job as well. I have been exercising regularly and trying to improve myself. I have been doing the active no contact that i read online. It is really helping me see clearly. She is falling into a depression and is drinking and using drugs when she doesn't have the kids. I have come to terms with the fact that i have to give her child support, and that i am essentially paying for her new house. THis was a difficult pill to swallow.

I never begged or pleaded with her to come back. I realize that if we were to have a new relationship together, she would have to come back willingly and under my terms. At first i really wanted her to come back. But now that it has been over a month since i found out that she was cheating on me i realize more and more that maybe i'm better off without her. I really gained a new perspective on our relationship. I was the one always trying to please her, and she rarely did anything to please me. I was the one putting the effort into the relationship from day 1. I always had to carry her burden on my shoulders...now its like a weight off my back.
I am still holding on to hope that we could try to work on things one more time. This hope is what maintains my hurt unfortunately.
I just wanted to share my story. I have read so many others and find that it helps me understand my own situation more.
Cheers.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thanks for sharing. Try breaking up your posts with paragraphs. It helps read it easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

MrBeaman said:


> She told me that she could never forgive herself for what she did and that i am better off without her.


:iagree:

This has been the only thing she says that makes sense.

It's all on her.

The best thing you could say to her is ... Buh-bye.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MrBeaman said:


> I am still holding on to hope that we could try to work on things one more time. This hope is what maintains my hurt unfortunately.


It is not hope, it is false hope and it comes from unrealistic expectations.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

She most likely drinks and uses drugs with the kids too. 

Take control and file for sole custody. Take care of your kids first.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You handled it the right way. I know it doesn't make you feel better but you should know that by your not pleading and begging you actually won some respect points with her. She is obviously messed up and has her head shoved up her own ass. You are indeed better off.

Oh, and when she texts you or calls you in about three to six months, after she realizes life with you wasn't all that bad, and wants to take another shot with you, make sure you check back in with us so we can keep you in line and pointed in the right direction.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The only thing she is correct on is you are better off without her.

Do you live in a state where cheating affects alimony?


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## withoutapartner (May 23, 2015)

I hate to harsh, I have not idea the entire story as there usually is years that add up to this. Little moments when life gets in the way (we let it) and takes over so much that we neglect eachother. Then if it is not handled, it tears us apart that there is no room for recovery. The relationship ends up in the too far gone category... This may be what has happened. I wrote this due to my own loneliness in my marriage and it is now too far gone..... I may have cheated if not for I could never live my life know I did the ultimate wrong, but it is very lonely:

Dear Spouse


I have forgotten about myself in our marriage and quite conceivably, I feel my roots have grown dry and brittle. Somewhere along the past ten years, my blooms have withered so most are now dead, hanging off of the main stem barely holding on.
I wish I could say they died from being watered too much, but I would be lying to both of us. In fact, I slowly starved and died from lack of watering. Sure every once in a while the refreshing drops of rain fell upon my leaves and gave me hope and a little more strength to hold on hoping for a torrential downpour, but sadly so, the drops never made it to my roots, there just was not enough. 
The sun was warm beautiful and beamed at first. It felt so refreshing to feel and see the growth from my roots to the incredibly beautiful flowers that sprouted from our garden of love. Sadly so, the sun became overbearing and began to burn and hurt terribly. There just was enough nurturing and attention and eventually, I began to die a slow lonely death. 
I must move my plant to find hope and passion and ways to enjoy the sun again. To find a place to be nurtured back to life and feel the refreshing coolness of water as it nourishes my roots, stems and again experience the beautiful blossoms of life started all over again. There may only be a root ball left to begin with, but with nurturing and love I know my life will be what it once was and the beauty I once was can overcome the struggles it take to have a new beginning. 
I know you were busy and forgot to water me and give me love and affection. I am not angry, just hurt and now alone as I feel my flowers are the only dead flowers in our garden. You were wonderful when you chose me to sit beside you but along the way, I feel the garden became too complicated, too demanding. I do not blame you, the weeds took over and what little rainfall and watering that had been done just could not fix the damage already done. 
I wish you luck in weeding the garden and replanting in my spot. I just ask that if you let your garden get too complicated again, don’t forget about that beautiful rose bush that stands out amongst the others so your prized garden does not falter and hurt another beautiful soul. The pain of dying slowly will live with me forever and although there is life again, I still have my root ball, I would hate to see another beautiful rose bush die the death that I had. 

Yours Truly, 
Withered Rose


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"Maybe I'm better off without her"

No 'maybe' about it.

Sorry you are going through this. Take it day by day. Be a good dad to your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You are right on target, you can't force her back or nice guy her back, it has to be her choice or it is for naught. I am sure you know that you are going to ride the emotional roller coaster for awhile. You will have good days and bad days and that is just life. Still you have to live your life and deserve to have happiness. Spent your time improving yourself and investing time in your children and let her live her life. Exercise is good to help relieve the stress and makes a healthier you. Enjoy a hobby you have neglected to try something you have always wanted to do. Try and new look or by a new wardrobe. Read a good book, start with the classics. Take the kids for a hike, bike ride or go fishing, they usually don't care what you do as long as you invest your time with them. Be so busy living your life that you don't have time to worry about her. Best of luck to your family


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

I'm in Canada, her cheating has no effect on spousal or child support.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Document the drug use if you can, and dude, her coming back without deep IC is not going to work or you will be here again.

Sorry you and the kids have to go thru this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What drugs is she using?


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

She smokes pot. Nothing major. 

What does IC mean?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

MrBeaman said:


> She smokes pot. Nothing major.
> 
> What does IC mean?


Individual counseling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrBeaman said:


> She smokes pot. Nothing major.
> 
> What does IC mean?


Nothing major, yet.

Though smoking enough pot can skew your thinking.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

In my opinion, the time away from her with no contact is the best thing for you. You can't fix her and you shouldn't have to try after she has treated you and your marriage with such disrespect.

I would make a point of letting the OM's wife know about their A. If she already knows, you should tell her that they are still in touch. She has a right to know that your wife is actively playing the homewrecker in her 30-year marriage.


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

I contacted the other man's wife when I first found out. She contacts me every couple weeks to get an update from me. She is aware that her husband has not gone 100% no contact.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But did you tell your wife's PARENTS? And her SIBLINGS? And her BEST FRIEND?

If you really want any kind of chance with her, you need THEM knowing what she's doing so at least ONE of them has a come to Jesus meeting with her.


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

Oh yeah, i called her dad 20 minutes after she told me. Everybody knows. I made sure of that.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My advice is this. You can wave a wand and become a new man inside and out but remember it isn't you, it's her. She made her choice and now she has to live with it.

If she's doing drugs then make sure you got proof and give it to your lawyer. That's not the way to be a parent and I think you know that. Call it a day with her and move on.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MrBeaman said:


> At first i really wanted her to come back. But now that it has been over a month since i found out that she was cheating on me i realize more and more that maybe i'm better off without her. I really gained a new perspective on our relationship. I was the one always trying to please her, and she rarely did anything to please me. I was the one putting the effort into the relationship from day 1. I always had to carry her burden on my shoulders...now its like a weight off my back.


Congratulations my man. You have met all the qualifications for certification in how to handle your side of a relationship.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Sounds like your doing all the right things mate, including coming here.

While this is a naff situation your in, the biggest silver lining is that your only 34. Man if I could only be 34 again.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You realize she will always see you as a door mat in any. New relationship best you move on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MrBeaman

Truly sad your wife is so messed up in the head.

Her mid life crisis caused her to affair down with someone 11 years older than her and fifteen years older than you.

But you know what? You got out from under her.

Now stay that way.

Continue to be the class act you are and your children deserve.

Your kids need a healthy and stable parent. Remember that.

Get your head on tight, realize this was the only outcome for you and move forward in life.

HM


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

I also attribute her infidelity to a mid life crisis. I'm not excusing it I'm just saying that I've read a lot about them and she is a classic example of one.

When the going got tough, she got going. 

My hope that she will stand up and fight for her family is dwindling. I know she will regret the whole thing sooner than later. I'm not sure she will come crawling back like someone suggested.

Doesn't really matter. I wouldn't take her back unless she was going to counseling and she took a step back and worked on herself big time. And even then I don't even know if it would work.

During her brief stint of no contact with her new guy, I wrote her a letter to tell her how i felt and such. Kind of walk through our lives. The day she left me for good was the day i was going to give it to her...i never did. Not sure if I should even bother giving it to her. There are no negative emotions in the letter. It is all positive. I think for now I will hold on to it...maybe forever.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya hold on to it and one day give it to your kids when they want to know what really happened.

She is gone...no *you are gone*.....let go and be a father and go out and look for the best step mother your kids could ask for.

Saving the marriage is in your old ladies hands now!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Send her a thank you note. Thank her for bailing while you are still young and have plenty of time to still find someone in her late twenties. (Haha)

The scales have tipped. She will be lucky to find as fifty year old. She will be lucky to find any man that wants more than the last one did and he got all he wanted. 

Personally, I would have introduced him to a Louisville Slugger.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, how often is she trying to communicate with you?

Btw 2, its been said adultery can speed up divorce in Canada.


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

I only communicate with her with regards to the kids. Now that the separation agreement is in place i don't have to deal with her on that anymore.

She doesn't communicate with me either. When we were negotiating she would poke and prod a little on my personal life...ask me how work was going. I would always have a one word answer and move on to business.

When we do the change over with the kids I literally drop them off, give them a kiss and I'm off to the races.

Luckily we were only common law...she never wanted to get married.

If anybody ever needs advice on separation agreements I'm a pretty good resource now


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

She sent me a text today to tell me she purchased a new home. This killed me inside for two reasons. One, it is a major sign she has no interest in coming back and two, I am paying for that goddamn house. Only about 20 more years of child support to go


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I'll say it again.

Get your head in the right place and be thankful she is not coming back.

There is no way you could ever work on your marriage with a woman that is running away from all her issues.

Now secure your assets and get it in writing what you are on the hook for.

Focus on you right now.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> I'll say it again.
> 
> Get your head in the right place and be thankful she is not coming back.
> 
> ...


Bolded for emphasis.


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

The paper work is already all done. I didn't delay I got it all on paper, signed and notorized by our lawyers. My separation agreement is in place. I have to give her 15k for the house, pay both life insurance policies for our kids, pay for all the daycare and on top of that another $500 in cash per month. And I get joint custody. That means she gets all that for only two weeks per month. No spousal support. The child support system is so flawed. I can't believe how flawed it is. I have no problem paying to support my children. It just stings to have to pay so much money to her. And i can't even claim it on my taxes.

You guys make a good point. She always runs away from her problems. She is, and probably always will be, a coward.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. I would however suggest re visiting the whole child custody agreement with your lawyer.

Especially trying to reinforce her drug use to your advantage for possible full custody.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

never mind


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> She is, and probably always will be, a coward.


That is a classic trait of a WAW.

Walk Away Wife.

That is why I say put the focus on you, your job and especially your children.

You are going to be fine in time and you now know just what kind of woman you no longer want in your life.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hopefully she'll stay away for good but don't be surprised if once the thrill is gone, she comes back begging for another chance. It happens, so be prepared.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

morituri said:


> Hopefully she'll stay away for good but don't be surprised if once the thrill is gone, she comes back begging for another chance. It happens, so be prepared.


Yuck.


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

I'm not sure what you are trying to say. 

If she wants to come back, and is willing to unconditionnally under my terms, are you saying I should still not try to put my family back together.

I understand that the odds of this happening are low but if she did this I would be willing to work on it.

Of course if she comes crawling back and its the same old thing I'm not interested.

I have read up on the wayward wife like you suggested earlier. It definately has a lot in common with her. I have also read that very few of these wives ever come back.

Anyways, I'm not concerning myself with what she is doing anymore. If she comes crawling back I'll deal with that at that point in time. I'm already on the date sites trying to connect with someone new. I'm not ready for a new relationship, i'm just trying to get myself some confidence.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MrBeaman said:


> I'm not sure what you are trying to say.
> 
> If she wants to come back, and is willing to unconditionnally under my terms, are you saying I should still not try to put my family back together.
> 
> ...


Then you seem to be on the right track. Keep up the good work.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Beaman, your WW is totally messed up (even the counselor has said that). You do not reconcile with someone unless they change themselves first and you are sure that this kind of thing will never happen again. If there is R (although it is probably highly unlikely) she needs to work hard at undoing all the damage done.

You need to let her go in your mind and heart and start working on yourself for yourself and your children. You can still have a great future with a woman who will love you and not cause you this kind of pain.

Do the 180 and try and emotionally detach, You may well find in another year or so, you will no longer look back but look forward. Hang in there.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

As much as it sucks, think of it as your Freedom Tax.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Mr. Beaman
> If she wants to come back, and is willing to unconditionnally under my terms, are you saying I should still not try to put my family back together.
> 
> I understand that the odds of this happening are low but if she did this I would be willing to work on it.


Every man is different. You may be a stronger man than I am but it is *either you are stronger or you are willing to compromise your integrity and respect so that you can get back a woman that has proven that you are not number one in her life. In fact you are not even number two. *

This woman has betrayed you and her children time and time again. I am all for giving someone a chance but after three times of betrayal the writing is on the wall for me. Your woman is very selfish and now she has compounded that by stepping her integrity into the sewer several times. She does not love herself or you. You are not strong enough to carry that much baggage from her; you take her back and you become a broken and pitiful man, IMO


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Mr. Beaman: Let's face the bare facts! Life was never meant to be lived out in the way that your W has made a conscious choice to treat you ~ to wit, you need to become your very own man, relegating her to "yesterday's news" status and living for the betterment of your kids! 

This eerily sounds way too much like the very same  modus operandi employed by my first W, (39)who to gain a major corporate promotion, she slept with her divisional VP(65). We had two sons aged 6 and 2 at the time, who I lost custody of because I couldn't financially fight her for them more especially after having undergone open heart surgery during all of the sordid process!

Read Dr. Robert Glover's  No More Mr. Nice Guy, then execute "the 180" on her, don't allow her back in your home, and file for D with taking initial custody of the kids. Also get yourself checked out by your MD for the presence of STD's since at some point in time, she undoubtedly was sleeping with you both. You might also take it upon yourself to notify the OM's W of the situation, as she's largely in the same boat that you are in in that he's been covertly sleeping with your W! Infidelity, unfortunately, effects so many different people!

You appear to be a far better father to your two kids, even on your worst day, than she is a mother to them on her very best one!

Sorry to see you going through all of this hell, but you've certainly come to the right place here at TAM!*


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

Arbitrator, while our advice is good, I have already done all these things except for the 180 (which i think I've probably done without even reading). If you would have read the entire thread you would have known this.

Is this a free book that i can find online?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MrBeaman said:


> Arbitrator, while our advice is good, I have already done all these things except for the 180 (which i think I've probably done without even reading). If you would have read the entire thread you would have known this.
> 
> Is this a free book that i can find online?


These are used for you, not the marriage...

180

No More Mr. Nice Guy 

Best


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MrBeaman said:


> Anyways, I'm not concerning myself with what she is doing anymore. If she comes crawling back I'll deal with that at that point in time. I'm already on the date sites trying to connect with someone new. I'm not ready for a new relationship, i'm just trying to get myself some confidence.


By the time this happens you will have emotionally detached, and you will have come to a place where you can step back and look at her actions objectively, with less emotion clogging your judgement. That objectivity will allow you to look at the marriage and her actions from a more business-like perspective, and I can almost guarantee you will say to yourself that the short term gains of getting her back are not worth the effort, and that the chances of long-term change are remote.


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

Well it happened. Yesterday she sent me a text message :"I miss you."

I told her to work on herself for now. SHe also told me she is going to start counseling, this she decided on her own.

She moves into her own house at the end of the month.

In the meantime, i have been chatting online with a girl. I'm going to go out on a date with her. I'm a little torn but we'll see how the date goes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Should've ignored her.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

You have all the "value" in this relationship. You have your head on straight, are responsible, younger, more stable....

Is it not possible that your kids would just be better off without you trying to carry the millstone (her) around your neck, and allowing you to pay more attention them, and yourself.

In a few years, you could find you a sane woman 10 years younger, maybe?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MrBeaman said:


> Well it happened. Yesterday she sent me a text message :"I miss you."


Mr. B,

She is testing you to see if you will now accept being her plan B. It is vital that you continue the 180. I am not advising that you consider R with her, but if you do in the future, at least make her earn that consideration. Make sure you fully test her remorse. Make sure she accepts all due consequences.

You should be asking yourself, what would she have to do to convince me that I'm now her plan A? Think about that answer. Ask yourself if that is even possible.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Beaman, you are my twin, your ex is my ex's twin. Mine went on to date (screw around) intensively for some time, I couldn't compete with the high she got from that, especially against ones of a skin color I am not, but she did eventually settle down, she even got remarried and had her tubal ligation (which she insisted on despite my plea to wait) reversed and had a new baby, so my son now has a half-sister. After the way she disrespected me and our vows I lost all attraction to her, and once I detached emotionally I never would have taken her back. It's all fcked beyond all repair, so life is not what I would ever considered normal and certainly not ideal. But normal is way over-rated and I now enjoy a very rewarding life, much more so than if I had remained married to her.

The separation of your family will affect you and your children's lives in a very major way, it presents a certain hardship that has caused emotional damage, the scar will always remain however the rewards of setting and accomplishing goals will go on and you'll see that all along there was so much more meaning to life than coupling up with someone that insisted on mistreating you and being stuck with that person forever. The financial implications are easy to be bitter about but they are a temporary measure. If you happen to be in my neck of the woods I'd offer to buy you a round to celebrate your new life of meaning.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

MrBeaman said:


> Well it happened. Yesterday she sent me a text message :"I miss you."
> 
> I told her to work on herself for now. SHe also told me she is going to start counseling, this she decided on her own.


Just a suggestion but don't respond to things like that at all.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

MrBeaman said:


> In the meantime, i have been chatting online with a girl. I'm going to go out on a date with her. I'm a little torn but we'll see how the date goes.


Even if this date is a spectacular failure, you need to keep at the dating scene for awhile before entertaining the notion of considering reconciliation. 

I'm absolutely convinced that once a betrayed spouse has experienced other relationships post betrayal, they realize what a sour deal their wayward spouse is.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You want to find out how serious she is?
When she asks to try to work things out tell her FIRST......

Have her sign legal papers that nullify the 15K she gets for the house and terminate the $500 cash per month. 

That will tell you if she is really serious and remorseful. Talk is cheap, signing legal papers tells the real truth.

*NEVER trust words from a betrayer but only actions!*


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

MrBeaman said:


> I'm not sure what you are trying to say.
> 
> If she wants to come back, and is willing to unconditionnally under my terms, are you saying I should still not try to put my family back together.
> 
> ...


If she comes back...when is that if? 

In the meanwhile while you wait do you put your life on hold?

While she's banging this dude in the house you're paying for, you're at home taking care of the kids which is fine but again you're putting your life on hold for the faint hope she might come back one day.

But if you're on dating websites, good for you. I find some dating sites are for people with looking for the ONE, thereby they are way too picky. I suggest hitting up some bars, chatting up the ladies and just plain old having fun.

I'd also revisit if possible that agreement because yikes, she took you to the cleaners but again seeing her house is sorted and she can contact OM whenever she wants perhaps this is for the best. You now see the true her it makes getting on with your life that little easier now that she's not even trying.


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

couple of points to make. 

she's not banging the dude anymore, he went back to his wife and im still communicating with her. my ex is trying to get a new job to escape the embarassment at work.

she takes care of the kids one week and then vice versa. she is currently living at her dads and theres no shenanigans going on there.

the agreement we made is fair, it could have been way worse. she gets to have her half of the house value that we paid off and she gets to have child support...thats the law. it's not right but that's the system that's in place. i negotiated a much lower monthly payment and she agreed to no spousal support (which she could have gone after me for)

i know all of this because i sync'd my sons ipad with her phone. i can see all the text messages she sends and receives. she has no clue about this.

regarding the dating sites, i'm finding two extremes. the one night stand chicks and the long term relationship ones. the one i'm going on a date with is the long term type.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MrBeaman said:


> Well it happened. Yesterday she sent me a text message :"I miss you."
> 
> I told her to work on herself for now. SHe also told me she is going to start counseling, this she decided on her own.
> 
> ...


I don't think what you said was wrong. Most of the machos here will tell you you should have not responded, but the way I look at it you were not mean or cruel, and you responded in a non-emotional, business like fashion... and that's good. You can be detached but somewhat available at the same time, especially when she begins to show signs of pulling her head out of her a$$. 

You just have to keep showing her you are the one in control...you are the responsible adult. As long as you are showing strength, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Enforce your boundaries and your requirements. Never seek her out or initiate anything. Let her come to you, and when she demonstrates she is working on herself and dealing with her issues, you can trickle some kindness to her little by little. Make her work for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MrBeaman said:


> the one i'm going on a date with is the long term type.


You are in NO shape to be dating such a person. It will end in disaster and many tears.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MrBeaman said:


> She sent me a text today to tell me she purchased a new home. This killed me inside for two reasons. One, it is a major sign she has no interest in coming back and two, I am paying for that goddamn house. Only about 20 more years of child support to go


Why are you paying for that house? 

Do not!


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

michzz said:


> Why are you paying for that house?
> 
> Do not!


Sure, he can just stop paying child support with no regard to the consequences.. which includes jail time.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Who said to stop paying child support? Not me.

It is not clear to me as to why he is paying for a house for her. It didn't sound like a court-ordered act.

Is it?

If not?

Don't pay for it!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

MrBeaman said:


> couple of points to make.
> 
> she's not banging the dude anymore, he went back to his wife and im still communicating with her. my ex is trying to get a new job to escape the embarassment at work.
> 
> ...


Not against one night stands, provided both parties are kosher and you use protection. Why the heck not? Two consenting adults, have fun man.


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

michzz said:


> Who said to stop paying child support? Not me.
> 
> It is not clear to me as to why he is paying for a house for her. It didn't sound like a court-ordered act.
> 
> ...


Please forgive me if I'm wrong but it seems fairly clear from his posts that he's paying for the house -indirectly- via 20 years of court ordered child support.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Shasta said:


> Please forgive me if I'm wrong but it seems fairly clear from his posts that he's paying for the house -indirectly- via 20 years of court ordered child support.


Hmm. Seeing as how the usual cut-off for court-mandated support for a given child is 18 years of age, I'd highly recommend that any guy forced to pay child support for more than 15 years or so following a divorce brought about by his ex-wife's infidelity spend a few bucks to have some paternity testing done.


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm. Seeing as how the usual cut-off for court-mandated support for a given child is 18 years of age, I'd highly recommend that any guy forced to pay child support for more than 15 years or so following a divorce brought about by his ex-wife's infidelity spend a few bucks to have some paternity testing done.


He may be in an age 21 state. Some states even go to age 22 if they're in college.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Shasta said:


> He may be in an age 21 state. Some states even go to age 22 if they're in college.


Fair enough, but my advice stands either way.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

I usually forget to mention paternity testing. It just seems like a no-brainer to me, especially anytime the wife's infidelity is involved. 

Of course, I'm so cynical now, I would insist on a paternity test before paying regardless of circumstances.


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## Shasta (Jun 12, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Fair enough, but my advice stands either way.


In many states it won't make a difference if they're not his biological kids because he's been raising them and supporting them as if they are his own.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are Plan B. The OM dumped her. You need to move on. See a psychologist to build your self-esteem. Most men who marry older women usually have low self esteem and the older woman easily manipulates them to their way of thinking.

You need to fix yourself before getting into the dating scene. You will get a woman on a rebound. This will cause you more stress. You already made an excuse for your estranged wife and that is the middle-age crises. BS for this excuse! 

See a psychologist. Your estranged wife will cheat on you again. Best to move on. You deserve a better life!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Shasta said:


> In many states it won't make a difference if they're not his biological kids because he's been raising them and supporting them as if they are his own.


First, if it were me, I'd have to know either way.

Second, children deserve to know the truth w/ respect to their biological parentage, especially if they'd previously been presented w/ lies. That's not to say that they'd need to be made aware of the lie immediately, or that "Dad" shouldn't or couldn't continue to be a father to his child(ren).

Third, men deserve to know whether or not their children are their actual, biological offspring.

Fourth, there is usually a certain period of time that allows for a cut-off of sorts in the event that a man discovers that he's not the father of a child that he'd previously been led to believe was his biological offspring. Additionally, any man mandated to pay 20 years of support may very well still be within that cut-off period.


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

There is no doubt that my children are mine. I don't need a paternity test for this.

I have to give her 15k cause the house that we owned together had 30k in money invested in it and in order for me to keep the house i had to pay for her share to put the house solely in my name.

I have been in counseling this whole time. It has helped.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

It's normal to split the equity in D, and not having to pay alimony is huge B.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Mr. Beaman
> She sent me a text today to tell me she purchased a new home. This killed me inside for two reasons. One, it is a major sign she has no interest in coming back and two; I am paying for that goddamn house. Only about 20 more years of child support to go


Why do you have to pay $500 and 100% of the child care?* You have the children as much as she does so why the 100% child care cost and $500 to be paid by you? *If you make a lot more than she does then that would make sense. However, I think in my state in the USA, a common-law is at a disadvantage in court settlements. For example, if the home was in your name then she may not have been entitled to half. In my state we have the “Community Property laws” for married couples; I do not think those laws apply to common-law couples. Canada different?

I think that your wife may try and get back together with you. After all, a woman that is 40 years old, has two children, and has betrayed her husband and children is not going to be real attractive to a good and smart man. She may get a needy man but that usually does not last long. *Sooner or later she will probably try to come back to you especially if she cannot get a deal as good as you and that is a strong possibility*.

My guess is that you have been the one that has a bigger need for her than she does for you. If that is still true then you are at a disadvantage if she wants to come back. You may compromise too much like you have in the years you were married to her. That fact that you have repeated several times that you would be willing to take her back if…………………… makes me think that you are compromising too much for a woman that has so deliberately disrespected you in so many cruel ways. *If you become more self-sufficient then you will not compromise your respect and integrity like you have done in the past.*


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

the reason i am paying for 100% of the child care is because i negotiated for this. At first glance you may think this is not a good idea, but i can claim all of that on my taxes. I would have had to pay for 72% of the child care anyway. By doing this she agreed to lower my monthly payments to $500 a month, it would have been $811 from the table amount. She also agreed to no spousal support (although this would have been a fight i may have won anyways). I get to keep the house and everything in it, my retirement savings, RRSP's, stock investements and so on. In 15 months my youngest will be out of daycare. At which point it will be almost two years that the precedent has been set that she can survive on $500 a month. If she takes me to court for more money i have a strong argument because of this precedent.

I properly negotiated my separation agreement.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Mr Beaman
> 
> the reason i am paying for 100% of the child care is because i negotiated for this. At first glance you may think this is not a good idea, but i can claim all of that on my taxes. I would have had to pay for 72% of the child care anyway. By doing this she agreed to lower my monthly payments to $500 a month, it would have been $811 from the table amount. She also agreed to no spousal support (although this would have been a fight i may have won anyways). I get to keep the house and everything in it, my retirement savings, RRSP's, stock investements and so on. In 15 months my youngest will be out of daycare. At which point it will be almost two years that the precedent has been set that she can survive on $500 a month. If she takes me to court for more money i have a strong argument because of this precedent.
> 
> I properly negotiated my separation agreement.




Good negotiation MR. Beaman!!
Now that you gave me more information i can see that you have done well.

Now get ready for her to try and come back this year or nextt


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

So here is an update on my situation.

After over 2 months of active no contact, the ex began to contact me. She informed me that she missed me and that she wanted to come back. I put a boundary up for this right away; telling her that I wasn't ready for anything like that and also that I didn't want to confuse our children. We began to talk a little and she pretty much informed me of what was going on from her side of things. 

The other guy had gone back to his wife shortly after she left me; this is true. But he continued to pursue her with daily text messages. She told me she now hates him and doesn't believe his lies anymore (fog has lifted). She told me that she has blocked him from further text messages. I suggested she change her phone number; she thought this was a good idea but hasn't changed it yet.

She lives in her new house and we continue to play weekly tag with the kids.

So far, she went to one session of IC; she asked me to watch the kids for an hour so she could go.

SHe has shown me some regret; not sure if it is enough for me.

She quit her job and got a new one to further distance herself from the other guy.

She has now began to lean on me again for advice on what to do.

I removed her from my benefits package to save a little money. WIth her new job her benefits don't kick in for 3 months and she doesn't have dental. She has asked me if I could put her back on my benefits because she wants to go back to IC but can't afford it. I am apprehensive about this...I have one more session left under my benefits and I am tempted to pass it to her (I know the counselor would be OK with this). I decided that I won't be putting her back on my benefits though but I really want her to get help.

I continue to try and improve myself but i hurt my back working out and it has limited my ability to work out. I was also trying the dating sites and had a date set up and then the girl went off the grid so my ego took a hit there.

I no longer have apprehension when I talk to my ex. I can talk to her with my old confident self. We are effectively co parenting.

I may try and go the reconciliation route, depends on how much she is willing to improve herself and commit to it. This door I havent closed yet. I just haven't seen the full commitment from her end.

I'd appreciate some thoughts on my situation...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have her show you texts, e-mails, and phone records in order to verify her story. Full transparency w/ passwords to everything.

If she balks, you walk.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

MrBeaman said:


> So here is an update on my situation.
> 
> After over 2 months of active no contact, the ex began to contact me. She informed me that she missed me and that she wanted to come back. I put a boundary up for this right away; telling her that I wasn't ready for anything like that and also that I didn't want to confuse our children. We began to talk a little and she pretty much informed me of what was going on from her side of things.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're doing better. She sniffing around because things are not to rosy. Do NOT put her on your dental. It could set a precedent in court. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks she needs some dental work in order to hit the dating scene again.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Beaman,

does the other OM's wife know about the affair....if not you should not let him get away with out feeling some pain as well. Frankly if your wife could even think about coming back to you she should fess up to the OM's wife. but you definitely should...after all he was part of destroying your world.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Xenote is right.

What consequences has the OM felt?

What consequences has your wife felt?

You need to show your W consequences for her bad decisions otherwise she will just do this again.

She really needs IC. What woman cheats on a young guy with an older guy? A confused hot mess of a woman.

Be careful before you commit to R. Take your time. Vet your Wife well.

And deal some blows to the OM. He deserves them.

HM


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

You are doing great. I can't tell you what to do but if I was you (yes wife cheated and left when we had a 6 month old son at home) I am a burn all bridges guy.

When she talks about comming home ask why would you want another guys sloppy seconds? Why would you want to risk her hurting you again? What kind of example are you setting for your kids? Look mommy walked all over me but I took her back! 

Tell her thanks but no thanks you will be able to bag a woman ten years younger than you and if you are going to get hurt again it will not be by here.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You are doing great getting it together for you and your sanity. However, your WW has you as the plan B and fall back guy. Good times in farting rainbow unicorn land has come to a stop and your WW is back to reality. WW has fallen back to plan B(you). Further, your are now being put into the position of White Knight by offering your W your IC session. Don't fall for the White Knight syndrome. Let your WW figure it out for a change. Don't be plan B. Don't figure it all out for her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MrBeaman said:


> I may try and go the reconciliation route, depends on how much she is willing to improve herself and commit to it. This door I havent closed yet. I just haven't seen the full commitment from her end.


I hope this means that you WON'T go the R route UNTIL you see full commitment. Right?

If anything, tell her you'll pay for her IC out of your pocket. When I was in that situation it was a difference of $30 (insured) vs $85 (uninsured), so not that much.

Nothing else. She's sucking you back in one little favor at a time. I hope you can see that and stop it. Before you know it, she'll say 'we're really together, we're doing everything like a couple, we're sharing bills, why don't I just move back in?'


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

MrBeaman said:


> I may try and go the reconciliation route, depends on how much she is willing to improve herself and commit to it. This door I havent closed yet. I just haven't seen the full commitment from her end.


Do you really want to sacrifice your dignity just to not be alone? 

You are not Plan B, you are Plan C, it was OM, then being alone, then you. That's how little she thinks of you. She had the audacity to go out screwing the OM in front of your face while living with you only to stop (for a few days) when you complained about it. She had no respect for you. Is this the type of person you want to be with?

She is mad at the OM because he dumped her but rest assured in a couple of months he'll come fishing for her and she'll take the bait. If you R with her there is a very good chance than in 6 months or so (or less) she'll run off again (that happened to me so I know what I'm talking about).

If I were you, I would wait at least 6 months before entertaining the idea of R. She ain't going anywhere and there's no hurry. You know she can't be trusted so do NOT give her the benefit of the doubt, she doesn't deserve it. You need to look at for #1 because that's all she is doing.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

So the minute it doesn't work out with her affair partner, she NOW wants to come back to you as PLAN B (brake glass in case of emergency). 

Dont even consider putting her back on your insurance. She is an adult that has to deal with the consequences of her actions. She made her bed (chose to spread her legs for another man over her husband) and now she has to lay in it. (After her affair partner hit it and quit it)

Don't be Captain Save a HO.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

I'm sure this has been said but think about it the only reason she wants you back is her lover would not commit to her. You are her fall back plan. I guarantee you......I would put 1000 bucks on it.....if he divorced his wife and pursued your wife she would be on his penis so fast it would make your head spin.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MrBeaman said:


> So here is an update on my situation.
> 
> After over 2 months of active no contact, the ex began to contact me. She informed me that she missed me and that she wanted to come back. I put a boundary up for this right away; telling her that I wasn't ready for anything like that and also that I didn't want to confuse our children. We began to talk a little and she pretty much informed me of what was going on from her side of things.
> 
> ...


What do you get from reconciliation with her? The old W you thought you knew and had hoped to have a lifelong journey of growth with is gone, checked out of this world forever, and this new person knocking at your door has a heck of a lot of baggage, still has the same depression and self esteem issues and has proven to be willing to break your trust and take full advantage of you.

Yes you have kids together, but shouldn't your main concern be about doing the best you can to raise them, and if together with her shouldn't your main relationship to her now (since she fired you as her lover and partner) be as a co-parent doing the best to support each other in the raising of your two kids independently? With her OM out of her life why is she so dependent on you to continue providing for her, is she a child?

Why do you think she'd be better at providing for your relationship needs than any of the potential millions of great women out there that don't have the messed up core values which allowed your ex to lie and cheat? What is so special about her that allows you to completely overlook the disrespect and disdain she showed towards her own marriage and husband which she chose to marry? I think I'd be seeing this as your chance to give your heart to someone who hasn't shown they will stomp on it. Your ex W gave herself impossible odds to overcome and you'd be a fool to bet on her (but hey, some people consider that kind of stupidity romantic)!

In hindsight, my approach to a betrayal of trust would be to give her a few years on her own to see how she uses them, and likewise find out how you would use your own years, then around the time your youngest is in school decide if she is someone you'd consider dating and starting a new relationship with.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> ...If I were you, I would wait at least 6 months before entertaining the idea of R. She ain't going anywhere and there's no hurry. You know she can't be trusted so do NOT give her the benefit of the doubt, she doesn't deserve it. You need to look at for #1 because that's all she is doing.


Like I said in my last comment, I'd wait at least 3 years before considering it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Have her show you texts, e-mails, and phone records in order to verify her story. Full transparency w/ passwords to everything.
> 
> If she balks, you walk.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MrBeaman (May 23, 2015)

She has already offered me her phone and I know all her passwords.

For the umpteenth time the OM wife knows everything that happened. She took him back right away and the rug sweeping continues on her end. I was debating contacting her again to tell her that her husband is still harrassing my exwife but I am torn on this issue.

I agree that I am Plan B right now. I am not going to put her on my insurance and I'm not going to pay for her counseling. Sadly, she truly can't afford it ($135 per session) and probably won't be able to get the help she needs; but like most of you have said this is her problem now. I am guilty of the White Knight Syndrome so I have learned to say no to her.

Terrance had stated that what kind of role model would I serve to my children if I her took her back. Like c'mon, my kids are 2 and 6 and literally have no clue what is going. They haven't mastered the english language but they are expected to know the intricacies of an adult relationship. Give your head a shake. I think the complete opposite, I would be teaching my children about forgiveness and the ability to overcome difficult situations.

As previously stated in my posts, I would only take her back if her self esteem and depression issues went away. Going to IC is the first step to removing these roadblocks. So to Lon, I would be getting an upgrade to my original spouse, someone I love dearly and I would also be giving my children an opportunity to grow in a loving family. It doesn't sound so bad now does it. Is there a possibility that it doesn't work out or that she cheats on me again...sure. But that fact remains for any new relationship I would take on.

I really appreciate some of the advice on here but some people really have a lot of hate in their hearts.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Find a new woman. A new woman is a lot less hassle, won't require you to live with the anger and triggers when you are with her, and hopefully she won't have an ex-OM sniffing around trying to lure her back. 

Your WW is indeed using you as her soft landing pad. If I were you I would not do one single damn thing for her. She got herself into this mess and she needs to live with the ramifications of her choices. The IC is a smokescreen, something that she thinks that if she does it it will be a way for her to slither back into your good graces. Don't fall for it. 

DO NOT pay for her counseling. Talk to your lawyer and see what he says about keeping her on your insurance. If you take her off it might make you look bad in front of the court so be careful there. Take that money she's asking for IC and use it on your kid instead, or to buy some new cool clothes for yourself...

As for her not showing remorse? Sometimes it takes a wayward months or even years before the actual weight of what they did hits them. And some never feel it. Your STBXWW is still very much in the fog and still emotionally attached to the OM. She has to go complete no-contact and fully detach before she can objectively loo at what she did to you and her marriage. As long as the OM is in the picture she will never develop any empathy for you. 

Lastly, her going out with this guy, in your face, in total cruel disregard for your feelings, is THE SINGLE reason why I think you should put her in your rear view mirror for good. All waywards run around and lie, but to openly and defiantly go out to fvck another guy while leaving your heartbroken husband and child at home, clearly shows that she is a sub-human of the lowest gene stock. Why the fvck would you want this creature back in your life? She is scum.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MrBeaman said:


> would take on.
> 
> I really appreciate some of the advice on here but some people really have a lot of hate in their hearts.


No....what you have is a lot of very experienced people who are looking out for your best interests. Please do not come on this forum asking for advice and then turn around and bite the hands of the people who just want to see you succeed and move past this pain. 

Take that judgemental attitude of yours and focus it on your WW where it belongs. Shes the one who ripped your heart out and then sh!t in the hole where it used to be, not us.

If R is what you want, then pursue it, but don't settle for anything less than 110% effort from her. Don't take responsibility for her poor choices. Don't coddle her, and for god's sake don't sleep with her until she has had a full STD workup and has spent a few months showing you she means what she says. 

My gut feeling is that she is stringing you along as a backup and will most likely go back with the OM or find a new boyfriend.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If I were you, I would do the following:

1. Ask myself whether my desire to reconsider this is mostly a result of having my bruised ego stroked by the new developments.

2. If the answer to (1) is yes, then I would keep going with the divorce and rebuild my life. If the answer is 'no' or 'I'm not sure,' then I would ask myself honestly how my view of my spouse has changed after the miserable, hurtful, disrespectful way I was treated.

3. If I sincerely believed that my respect and love for my spouse was not permanently damaged by the bad behavior, I might - might - reconsider.

That having been said, my own opinion is that what she did will definitely make it impossible to stay with her. If you don't feel it now, you will eventually feel it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Go up two posts from mine and reread Bandit.

As uber as I am , I cannot improve on it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MrBeaman said:


> ...Going to IC is the first step to removing these roadblocks. So to Lon, I would be getting an upgrade to my original spouse, someone I love dearly and I would also be giving my children an opportunity to grow in a loving family. It doesn't sound so bad now does it. Is there a possibility that it doesn't work out or that she cheats on me again...sure. But that fact remains for any new relationship I would take on.


I just wanted to remind you that the ability to cheat on and use your spouse like she did was not just circumstantial, it is about her character and those traits run deep. Counselling is not a first step, it's the handrail up a very long winding and uneven staircase, and that's just to get out of the basement. You will be standing there at the first floor waiting for her before you can go up to your own second floor for a very long time as she stumbles and slips along the way to catch up. You will not only require patience but will also be missing out on good opportunities because she chose to pull your marriage down with her.

It's your choice to get on with your own life now or to wait indefinitely for her to become a reasonable person again, just to find out if she is capable of real love. You don't owe her any allegiance. I agree if she succeeded, and in reasonably quick order, then yeah that would be great to have your family back together, just don't get caught in the delusion like 99% of other people that try reconciling.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MrBeaman said:


> She has already offered me her phone and I know all her passwords.


Excellent. Download an app that will retrieve data from her phone so that you can read through her deleted texts, call history, etc.



MrBeaman said:


> For the umpteenth time the OM wife knows everything that happened. She took him back right away and the rug sweeping continues on her end. I was debating contacting her again to tell her that her husband is still harrassing my exwife but I am torn on this issue.


You really should do it. She deserves to know.



MrBeaman said:


> I agree that I am Plan B right now. I am not going to put her on my insurance and I'm not going to pay for her counseling. Sadly, she truly can't afford it ($135 per session) and probably won't be able to get the help she needs; but like most of you have said this is her problem now. I am guilty of the White Knight Syndrome so *I have learned to say no to her.*


Good!



MrBeaman said:


> Terrance had stated that what kind of role model would I serve to my children if I her took her back. Like c'mon, my kids are 2 and 6 and literally have no clue what is going. They haven't mastered the english language but they are expected to know the intricacies of an adult relationship. Give your head a shake. I think the complete opposite, I would be teaching my children about forgiveness and the ability to overcome difficult situations.


Fair enough. That said, you _can_ forgive her w/o taking her back. Forgiveness and reconciliation don't necessarily have to go hand-in-hand.

But, should you take her back, and she f*cks up again, be prepared to teach your children how a man w/ a healthy dose of self-respect deals w/ a serial cheat.



MrBeaman said:


> As previously stated in my posts, *I would only take her back if her self esteem and depression issues went away.* Going to IC is the first step to removing these roadblocks. So to Lon, I would be getting an upgrade to my original spouse, someone I love dearly and I would also be giving my children an opportunity to grow in a loving family. It doesn't sound so bad now does it. Is there a possibility that it doesn't work out or that she cheats on me again...sure. But that fact remains for any new relationship I would take on.


Eh... just so long as her sh*tty behavior and newly-acquired propensity to cheat goes away along w/ it.



MrBeaman said:


> I really appreciate some of the advice on here but some people really have a lot of hate in their hearts.


Again, fair enough.

You might not be so quick to judge, though, should you find yourself in the same predicament six months to a year (or less) after you take her back.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

You said you told her family about it, all her co workers know about it so I'd say half your town knows about it.....rest asured your kids WILL know about it. But hey its your life. 

Like bandit says why are you here if you are going to bite our heads off when we give advice. My kid was 6 months old when my ex cheated on me.......he's 11 and knows his mom cheated. I never told him her family and she did. But hey go ahead think you will be able to hide it.

That said good luck I'll leave this thread.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

My opinion is multi faceted. First, you have to recognize your innate desire to fall back into old coping patterns. I've read your posts on other threads and your initial posts. You did not want to lose your ex. As a result, the fact that she has started looking at you has caused the old you to re-awaken. The old you was happy to keep her and is happy to be plan B.

A few months ago, you lamented how her buying a house killed you because it showed that she was not coming back. Now, what has it been 2 or 3 months and she wants to come back?! You seem to attribute that to the "fog lifting". There were a whole lot of anti fog events that happened before now. Dude went back to his wife. Your ex left you and had a chance to see real life. Formal agreements regarding support, etc. A new house purchase. All of these are fog clearing events. BTW, I don't believe in the so called "fog", I think that is just a way for parties to excuse horrible cheating behavior. I think its a cop out, but if it gets people through the night, then fine...the fog made them do it.

Anyway, I digress. The whirlwind story that you have told us, coupled with the momentous changes in your life and hers DO NOT suggest that you should be having any communication with her beyond scheduling the kid visits. 

Do not give her your IC money because you still need it very badly. Both of you all have some real serious deep and abiding issues. Until you get grips on that, getting back together is like running back into the burning building. 

Remember, there are feelings and there is common sense. Feelings are far more persuasive, but common sense says ignore your feelings for a bit.

This is not about punishing her or rewarding her. This is about making sure that at least you are mentally in a place to make a decision. As it stands now, given her cheating, leaving, buying a house, and fighting for the OM, you would be completely foolish for continuing any communication with her beyond scheduling child visitation. No more giving advice. No more conversations. You have got to fix you.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

bigfoot said:


> This is not about punishing her or rewarding her. This is about making sure that at least you are mentally in a place to make a decision. As it stands now, given her cheating, leaving, buying a house, and fighting for the OM, you would be completely foolish for continuing any communication with her beyond scheduling child visitation. No more giving advice. No more conversations. You have got to fix you.


A million times this.


This is still the woman who had no problems ending your marriage and breaking up your family so she could go have a little fun.

And now that the fun is over she wants someone to stop her from dealing with the consequences of her actions.

That would be _you_.

Work on yourself. Give her a _long time_ to re-earn your respect _without you paying for her_.

Good money is that if you stop taking care of her (advice, etc) she will suddenly lose interest in reconciliation and move on.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

MrBeaman said:


> I would be getting an upgrade to my original spouse, someone I love dearly and I would also be giving my children an opportunity to grow in a loving family. It doesn't sound so bad now does it.


But that's not going to happened, the damage is done and you can't undo it. You can try to rug sweep all you want but you won't be able to forget how she treated you. 

You are assuming your current feelings are not going to change, but they will in ways you don't realise. Once the dust settles and even if your WW does everything right you will start to build up resentment for her. It will continue to grow and grow as you start to get your self esteem back. One day you may wake up and realize you might actually hate your W and made a huge mistake not getting a D. The thing is that could be years from now. We had one poster after 12 years decide he never got over his wife's affair and pulled the plug. 

If you do R get a post-nup with an affair clause and make sure it's your way or the highway. Also understand that she is not really over the OM, to her you are just better than nothing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen man.

I promise you that this is without hate in my heart for your wife.

But you've done the hard work leaving her. She's in your rear view mirror.

Why would you ever go back to that place again? Wouldn't it be far better to look at the open road in front of you?

And isn't it far more likely the case that as the fog lifts she has realized that it didn't exactly work out how it planned... and she'd like to come home, not because she is deeply regretful and appreciative of you, but because it would be easier for her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrBeaman said:


> She has already offered me her phone and I know all her passwords.
> 
> For the umpteenth time the OM wife knows everything that happened. She took him back right away and the rug sweeping continues on her end. I was debating contacting her again to tell her that her husband is still harrassing my exwife but I am torn on this issue.
> 
> ...


Tell his wife, then she can put the blocks on his hassling your wife.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MrBeaman said:


> some people really have a lot of hate in their hearts.


Similar to all of the hate your wife had in her heart for the marriage?


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

MrBeaman said:


> I agree that I am Plan B right now. I am not going to put her on my insurance and I'm not going to pay for her counseling. Sadly, she truly can't afford it ($135 per session) and probably won't be able to get the help she needs; but like most of you have said this is her problem now. I am guilty of the White Knight Syndrome so I have learned to say no to her.
> 
> Did you read "no more mr nice guy ?" by Robert Glover, if not I guess someone will give you a link to it .
> 
> Terrance had stated that what kind of role model would I serve to my children if I her took her back. Like c'mon, my kids are 2 and 6 and literally have no clue what is going. They haven't mastered the english language but they are expected to know the intricacies of an adult relationship. Give your head a shake. I think the complete opposite, I would be teaching my children about forgiveness and the ability to overcome difficult situations.


How your children learned how to walk ? 

They watched you.

How did they learned to speak ? 

They watched you.

I can find a lot of examples, but the point is the same, they watch you for learn. 

Words only transmits 7% of what we said. Around 30% comes from the tone of the voice. The rest from the body language.

They know something is wrong.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You need IC too. Why do you not have more value

She didn't just leave you, she left her kids too.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

As your children age, they will put more pieces of what happened together.

I figured out a lot about my childhood from an adult perspective.

Even your 2 year old will figure some of it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Lets face it, if he hadn't ditched her, we would not even be talking about her being remorseful, she is hedging her bets right now. Even if the OM never contacts her again, what happens 12 months down the road and the next Mr Right comes along are you back on the street again? This is a road to recovery is very, very rocky, you need to look after you and the kids for a few months (just my humble opinion).


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

You're a resource for her, nothing more. Don't fall for it.


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