# She's cheating



## chuckles (May 2, 2010)

...Or so it feels. My wife is a graduate student at a local university. We've been married just over three years and together for five.
We dated for approximately six months (off and on) before sex became a part of the relationship. Then it was a huge part - 4, sometimes 5 times a week minimum. 
We got married and it stopped. Now if it happens 2 times a week I'm lucky. She's always talking about how tired she is from school and everything she has going with that, plus a small part-time job. It makes her so busy, etc.
No thought or consideration seems to be given to the fact I'm working full-time and going to school part time.
To top that off, both of us were sexually abused as children. She plays that card a lot when I approach her about intimacy. I'm confused because for the first 18 months or so of our intimate life, it never came up.
I finally stopped "asking" for it because I got tired of being shut down all the time by the one woman who I love the most in this life. She noticed the decline and started wondering if my drive suddenly disappeared or if something changed between us. I explained it to her and she said that she doesn't really notice (lack of drive) and that if I don't instigate it, sex won't happen. So I start asking again - keep getting shot down. I'm not leaving, not thinking about leaving and won't even consider leaving over something like sex. Nevertheless, I like to have sex once in a while. Advice to get her into bed with me rather than her homework?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

chuckles said:


> . I'm not leaving, not thinking about leaving and won't even consider leaving over something like sex. Nevertheless, I like to have sex once in a while. Advice to get her into bed with me rather than her homework?


Truthfully? Stop sending the message that you won't, and would never consider leaving her over something like sex.
Quite the opposite, you should send the message loud and clear that you don't find the circumstances acceptable, and make it clear what course you will follow if her behavior persists. Decide what you want, and what you need - then spell it out.

There are a couple of red flags in your post. No sex for the first six months of your relationship? Really?

She is curious about your lack of pursuit and then simply proceeds to continue shutting you down when you do ask her for sex again? That is an extraordinarily damaged dynamic. Trust me when I tell you that this does not improve on it's own. You have allowed her to establish firm sexual boundaries in your marriage that are no where near balanced or fair. Do nothing and this will simply continue to erode your self esteem and her respect for you as a man.

Reinforce the notion that her lack of intimacy is acceptable, and that is exactly what you will get. Lack of intimacy and no sex.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Red flag!!! Run forest run. Usually us hubbys don't complain about this until our 30's after our wives squeeze out about 3 kids for us, then the sex stops. This early in your relationship... doesn't look good. U have little invested ( no kids) i'd be out. What's keeping you in a relationship that's got you all tore up like this. I seriously think women underestimate what sex means to us.


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## chuckles (May 2, 2010)

Is sex all that's important in a relationship? Granted, it's a big key to happiness for most men, and I'm not much different. I really do think women underestimate how important it is to us.

But why do both of you say that since there's no kids involved, I should throw away the good times, the friendship and the love that I share with my wife over not getting it as much as I would like?


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

Is sex really that important to men? 
my H and I have been married for 4 years, since the birth of my daughter, we reduce sex from 3 times per week to 1 per week. within recent 3 months, we've only had sex 6 times totally. Do we have a problem? He focus on his job and playing golf, I focus on my daughter, I don't know how to change the situation.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

chuckles said:


> Is sex all that's important in a relationship? Granted, it's a big key to happiness for most men, and I'm not much different. I really do think women underestimate how important it is to us.
> 
> But why do both of you say that since there's no kids involved, I should throw away the good times, the friendship and the love that I share with my wife over not getting it as much as I would like?


Because this is where you are _NOW_, 3 years in.

You think grad school has her stressed and ignoring you? Try an infant. 

That isn't meant to come off nearly as snide as I'm sure it does ... point is, this doesn't get better unless you make it clear to her that it is important to you, and then you actively pursue behaving in a way that lends to her thinking of you sexually. If you don't know what that is ... then you need to find out.

If it becomes clear that sex is simply never going to be a priority for her, then you need to make a decision if that is the kind of relationship you want to be in. Not having kids, doesn't make the decision easiser, but it absolutely reduces the consequences of having to make that decision.

Is sex the only thing? Nope. But it is the core of any intimate relationship. And if it goes away ... so does intimacy. Don't kid yourself otherwise.


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## samjacksonswig (Oct 16, 2010)

Hello- first post on this site. You are not alone here, my friend. I have been married for 13 years, and with her for 16. Sex used to be great, but then things began happening in our personal lives that made her end up loathing me.
Sex came to a grinding halt. We have not had sex for over 2 years as she does not respect me enough to do so, and in that time I am sure that she has been with a friend of mine. 
I am personally at my whits end- so much so that I am awake at 5 in the morning after a particularly vivid dream of me screaming at her and calling her viscious names.
What a sad state of affairs my once happy marriage has come to.


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