# Not Enough Sex, She Never Initiates



## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

First time poster. My wife of 5 yrs and I disagree on nearly every topic and have a difficult time discussing anything rationally. She is very emotional person who thinks things are either the greatest ever, or the worst catastrophe and we therefore struggle to find a middle ground. I am 42, she is 35 we have a 13 & 15 yr old. To the point, I am not happy with the quantity or quality of sex in our relationship. We have been 6-8 weeks at times without sex, and often I would say we average 2-3 times per month even when we aren't fighting. I've attempted to discuss it with her many times over the last 5 years but nothing changes. We've been together for almost 8. She doesn't think there is a problem and always has an excuse (I mean "reason") why sex doesn't occur. I have discussed it, typed emails and texts about it, argued and screamed about it, gone weeks without saying anything about it, you name it I've tried it and nothing changes. Last Monday we were home together after several days of conversation about the lack of sex in our lives, it was a cold rainy day and a good day to stay in bed. We sat and watched a movie talked a little and still nothing on her part. When I finally got up agitated just before the kids came home from school, she asked what was wrong. I told her and she reacted by saying her plan was to have a nice dinner and "do it" after the kids went to bed. Needless to say, nothing happened and rarely does if I don't initiate. Am I crazy, or would it be normal for couples who are home alone all day to have sex during the day while kids are away?! Especially, since one of her "reasons" is that the kids are home, it's too late, one of us had to work late, etc etc etc. Now when we are home all day long her plan to resolve the sexual tension is to again wait until 1030 or 11pm at night? I've heard it all and now I've had it. There's always an excuse - if I talk about it, I'm putting pressure on her. If I say nothing, nothing happens! It's a lose/lose scenario and I'm ready to call it quits.

Don't get me wrong, we have many other problems but sex is a big one. I don't know what else to say or do to get her to see how important sex is in a marriage. Advice?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Start here. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You have two kids and I'm sure raising them is a job in itself to her. Plus she probably feels unsexy due to weight gain? Her hormones could also be off from the births and never fully recovered, requiring meds.

She could be the type of woman who likes her man to take the lead and initiate sex. She might be passive and waiting for you to make the move more.

Sad thing is, if you don't ask or pressure her for sex, it doesn't make her want you, quite the opposite. She won't want sex st all, great for her.

Have you gained weight and aren't like you were before the kids?

My wife and I are close to your ages and we've been in the same situation since we got married and have no kids. She is try meds, vaginal shot and cleaning up her diet. Hopefully this works and her therapist helps her figure out why she holds back sexually.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she lost interest.respect,attraction, for you.

she will lie and say everything is ok. but you know deep down its not ok.

I would start acting like a man seperate the finances give her half of the bill to pay. don't threaten or ask permisson just do what YOU think is right and fair. start going out with friends and comming home late.

don't be rude just aloof if she keeps acting like a BI*ch I would leave!


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> You have two kids and I'm sure raising them is a job in itself to her. Plus she probably feels unsexy due to weight gain? Her hormones could also be off from the births and never fully recovered, requiring meds.
> 
> She could be the type of woman who likes her man to take the lead and initiate sex. She might be passive and waiting for you to make the move more.
> 
> ...


My stepchildren are 13 and 15. She is very weight conscience and short of a little toning is generally considered to be very attractive by others. 5'4 125 lbs, blond and D cup. I am 6'1 210lbs. This is not a physical issue.

She often says she simply doesn't think about having it. You are correct, if I don't initiate is simply doesn't happen. This has been an issue for 5-6 years. We can sometimes go weeks without any activity. Either because I don't initiate or bc we are fighting. We do not have "make up" sex. She also doesn't refuse to have sex. She just doesn't have it although there is a weekly proclamation to love sex as much as the next person.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> she lost interest.respect,attraction, for you.
> 
> she will lie and say everything is ok. but you know deep down its not ok.
> 
> ...



I tend to agree with this post. I believe it lies more in the respect than anything.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Just accepting the status quo is lousy and constantly begging her is too. You tend to get, Bob, you wouldn't want me to do something when I was not in the mood, it's me not you, and basically you are just going to have to accept a subpar sex life. 

There are two basic approaches. Start being aloof, go out, perhaps create a problem. Perhaps next time she wants to go to her parents or do something she likes, explain that you are just not in the mood. Perhaps create an argument and then as a second or third topic discuss sex. You want to place sex in the context of the overall relationship. 

Alternatively try being nicer or more understanding and relate to her as an entire person. Perhaps go out, get her in a romantic mood.


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

What do you guys think about moving to a different bedroom in a situation like this? My situation is very similar to the thread author, except he is an object of my envy of how often he gets it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Rakkasan said:


> What do you guys think about moving to a different bedroom in a situation like this? My situation is very similar to the thread author, except he is an object of my envy of how often he gets it.


Moving to a different bedroom won't help. Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Failing to initiate, or moving to another bedroom is simply giving her what she wants. That won't change her behavior.

The basic issue with many wives who deny their husbands sex is a lack of attraction. You need to critically examine your life. Is she having an affair, and thus attracted to another man? If not, what have you done? If you just lost your house in bankruptcy, then she may resent you. Is there a medical issue that has killed her libido? If there's nothing structural like that, then you just need to change your behavior. Pay less attention to her. Pay more attention to yourself. Get a life that is independent of her. Go out without her. Have hobbies. Let your wife see other women flirt with you.

Go to www.marriedmansexlife.com and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP).

Good luck.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My guess is, once you all start to focus on and work on the other issues in the marriage then the sex may follow. It all starts outside of the bedroom first, no matter how great or not great, no matter how frequent or in frequent the sex is. For women once that emotional connection is gone or upset, then they physical part usually follows. Get into some MC to work on the other areas first.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JaxVolley said:


> She often says she simply doesn't think about having it. You are correct, if I don't initiate is simply doesn't happen. This has been an issue for 5-6 years. We can sometimes go weeks without any activity. Either because I don't initiate or bc we are fighting. We do not have "make up" sex. She also doesn't refuse to have sex. She just doesn't have it although there is a weekly proclamation to love sex as much as the next person.


There are many men with outstanding sex lives who have wives who don't initiate. Generally, women have responsive desire. They respond to the advances of men. It's not in their nature to be the one to make advances. Their brains are wired differently. If your wife never refuses sex, this may be your main issue. Really, there's nothing to be done about it. Your wife can't change her brain circuitry to have spontaneous sexual desire, like most men have, anymore than she could just decide to become lactose intolerant. Your body is what it is.

If your wife always, or usually, is receptive to your advances, then maybe you're both just submissive and want the other partner to take charge. If so, then one of you need to just practice being more dominant to become comfortable. I suggest you be the one to change.

Good luck.


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## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

I swear if I didn't know any better I'd think my husband posted this. The more we fight about sex the less I want to have it. In 20+ yrs I have never been one to initiate-doesn't have a thing in the world to do with him, it's just not my personality. We have very different drives--husband 3x a day, me once a week. For years & years I tried living up to his expectations only to realize he always wants more & better. She might feel like it's a no win situation.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

HB Girl, there's a lot of difference between 1 or 2 times a week, probably the average for most married couples with children and going 3 months without. Agreed the man will be initiating most of the time. 3 times a day is crazy (like the old Dear Ann Landers, my husband wants sex all the time, sometimes 3 times a day, I have no time to do anything else. Signed Exhausted, P.S. Please excuse the jerky hand-writing. )


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

When we continue to let someone in our lives repeatedly hurt us, we are saying to them that they matter more to us than our self-respect and our dignity. In order to take a stand for ourselves we must be willing to part ways with people whom we know that we've given a significant amount of chances to. Though letting go can sometimes cause us a lot of pain, it's necessary for us to provide the best future possible for ourselves.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jax,
PHT is totally right. 

So the questions that will help assess your situation look like this:
Do you realize that your 'perfectionist' mindset might be crippling your sex life?

What would happen if you tried something new. For the moment, relax and accept that there is a list of stuff she can't or won't do well. Just do it for now. 

And then, with a large amount of your normal conflict removed, initiate sex twice a week. Pick days that have gone well. 

And since you have a good memory, use it. Not to play 'old tapes' of her mistakes and arguments with you. Play the 'old tapes' of when you had sex and it was a mutually good experience. 

At some point - it may be useful to 'redefine your expectations of physical intimacy' and convey them to her in a positive manner. 

And those expectations could be - these are just ideas for you to consider:
1. you will be considerate of context when you initiate 
2. you will be happy if she participates with a loving heart (you don't need to add this next stuff unless you find out that you have to). A loving heart means:
- she actively participates 
- it is obvious that she wants it to be a positive experience for you
- if there are some things she wants and/or dislikes, that she conveys those in a nice manner

You need to tell her that it is ok for her to decline sex on a particular night. And that if she makes the effort, it will come across as - declining sex - not rejecting you. When she is declining, her options range from very considerate to very unloving:
Very considerate:
Context 
- Just as you are expected to consider context, it is important for her to do the same when making a decision. The longer it has been since you last 'connected' the worse this is going to feel for you. Her choices should reflect that. 
If she has flirted with you at all during the day - it is sadistic to then shoot you down. 
If she rejected you the previous time you initiated - and this would be two rejections in a row, that ought to be a factor as well. 

Kindness: 
- Doing something nice for you - that is important to YOU. For us, my W is almost always glad to give me a long back massage or back scratch if she doesn't want to connect. Because this is: intimate, pleasurable and immediate, it works. And she also offers to connect tomorrow. For us, those two actions are the gold standard. 

My preference is for the scratch, massage to be mutual. But that is my wife's choice. 

- Asking you: Is there any chance we could connect tomorrow? (This has to be sincere and she needs to make a sincere effort to follow through the next night. She doesn't need to initiate the next night. She does need to make it obvious that she remembers promising and is making sure to get in bed on time or early. 

- In addition the the stuff above, conveying some empathy is nice. Just like you would if you were shooting down one of her requests. 

The worst thing an LD partner can do is to treat your request as unimportant or annoying. For instance just saying 'I don't want to' - in word, tone or body language is not nice. If that is a very rare outcome, you can let it go. If not, you should explain what you want her to do in those situations. 

I posted recently about a game - a touch game we play. If you want I will give you a link. 



QUOTE=PHTlump;1508947]There are many men with outstanding sex lives who have wives who don't initiate. Generally, women have responsive desire. They respond to the advances of men. It's not in their nature to be the one to make advances. Their brains are wired differently. If your wife never refuses sex, this may be your main issue. Really, there's nothing to be done about it. Your wife can't change her brain circuitry to have spontaneous sexual desire, like most men have, anymore than she could just decide to become lactose intolerant. Your body is what it is.

If your wife always, or usually, is receptive to your advances, then maybe you're both just submissive and want the other partner to take charge. If so, then one of you need to just practice being more dominant to become comfortable. I suggest you be the one to change.

Good luck.[/QUOTE]


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## Teebler (Feb 26, 2013)

You said that you have been dealing with her not initiating for 5-6 years, why do you expect that this is going to change? Does it really need to? If she was refusing your advances, that would be a problem, but if you are upset that she doesn't initiate I think that maybe you should think about that. Some women are not comfortable being the aggressor and it has nothing to do with their desire.


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