# Still working at it



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It's been almost five months since my second miscarriage. I'm still in counseling. I'm still depressed. I'm still having anxiety. And DH and I are struggling. Emotionally, things are just...off. He's still not meeting my needs the way he needs to. He admits this, owns it, and apologizes, but very little changes. He wants to change. But doesn't know why he doesn't. We think he may be depressed. 

And I just feel stuck. I've been slowly getting back into the gym, changing what I eat, and making plans for the future, but...I still feel stuck. I'm angry over all that's happened. I deserve to be happy and healthy and fulfilled, not depressed, afraid, and dissatisfied. 

I had an amazing day with some of my best friends yesterday, and it was much needed. And overall I feel like I'm improving, progressing, but day-to-day feels very different. 

I don't know the point of the thread, I just...feel lost.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> He wants to change. But doesn't know why he doesn't. We think he may be depressed.


Get him to see a doctor and/or a counselor on this. 

A miscarriage can surprise a man. When my wife was pregnant, we thought she had one very early on. She did not, but during that brief time, her pregnancy, which before had been very abstract, suddenly hit me hard. He is likely going through some of the same things you are, but may not understand why or how he needs to deal with it.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently had an unplanned pregnancy that miscarried. That was a whirlwind. I finally got to a place where I felt good about the pregnancy, being able to provide for the baby, and all of those things people worry about. Then a few days later, it was over. I can honestly say it was one of the most painful experiences, both physically and emotionally, that I've ever had. I can only imagine the pain for someone who is completely ready and wants a baby with all their heart. 

I wish I knew what I could say to help you feel better, but honestly, there are no words. Just know that there are other women out there who understand your pain. It's okay to express that pain here, too, even if there is no other point to your post. I wish you the best with your journey.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Get him to see a doctor and/or a counselor on this.
> 
> A miscarriage can surprise a man. When my wife was pregnant, we thought she had one very early on. She did not, but during that brief time, her pregnancy, which before had been very abstract, suddenly hit me hard. He is likely going through some of the same things you are, but may not understand why or how he needs to deal with it.


We've talked about this, but he has been extremely non-commital. He says he thinks he might be depressed, because he's been really apathetic about our marriage since...well, the beginning, but he hasn't said whether or not he'd even be willing to see a doctor/counselor. I'd probably be more likely to get him in to see a doctor, but even then, I'm not sure. 

He insists that he's not depressed about the miscarriage, though. So...it leaves me even more lost.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

ASummersDay said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently had an unplanned pregnancy that miscarried. That was a whirlwind. I finally got to a place where I felt good about the pregnancy, being able to provide for the baby, and all of those things people worry about. Then a few days later, it was over. I can honestly say it was one of the most painful experiences, both physically and emotionally, that I've ever had. I can only imagine the pain for someone who is completely ready and wants a baby with all their heart.
> 
> I wish I knew what I could say to help you feel better, but honestly, there are no words. Just know that there are other women out there who understand your pain. It's okay to express that pain here, too, even if there is no other point to your post. I wish you the best with your journey.


Thanks. I'm sorry you had to experience a miscarriage. Loss like this isn't something I would wish on my greatest enemy. It's nearly broken me many times over. And it's only exacerbated by the few issues in my marriage that we can't seem to solve or correct. When it's come to the miscarriage, he has been overwhelmingly supportive and helpful, never failed. But helping me to move on by actually meeting my needs is, somehow, too much.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> We've talked about this, but he has been extremely non-commital. He says he thinks he might be depressed, because he's been really apathetic about our marriage since...well, the beginning, but he hasn't said whether or not he'd even be willing to see a doctor/counselor. I'd probably be more likely to get him in to see a doctor, but even then, I'm not sure.
> 
> He insists that he's not depressed about the miscarriage, though. So...it leaves me even more lost.


I would ignore this statement because on some level, it does not matter. He admits he may be depressed, so he needs to address it, regardless of the why. 

Ask him point blank to see and doctor a a counselor. If he refuses or does not agree, ask why until you get some real answers. If he thought he had a broken foot, he would get that checked out, so why is this different?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It can't hurt to try. I'm guessing he's been depressed since before we ever dated, and that a lot of this is due to issues that have been ignored for years. Hopefully he'll agree. He just...seems so happy so much of the time. He works hard. He enjoys life. He just has always approached our relationship with such apathy.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

My wife has had 2 miscarriages. It's difficult on the man because on one hand, we want to be strong for our woman, but we feel the need to grieve as well. It's a tough line to walk.

I would suggest that both of you seek marriage counseling, I don't think there is a downside to doing that. I know it helped us.

Good luck, it does get better.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

I agree with what others have said, that MC may be a good idea, and/or IC for your husband. It seems to be taking a toll on both of you.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

It's definitely taking a toll on me, so I can't imagine that it wouldn't be taking a toll on him.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> My wife has had 2 miscarriages. It's difficult on the man because on one hand, we want to be strong for our woman, but we feel the need to grieve as well. It's a tough line to walk.
> 
> I would suggest that both of you seek marriage counseling, I don't think there is a downside to doing that. I know it helped us.
> 
> Good luck, it does get better.


:iagree:

My miscarriage hit my husband hard, too, but he would never try to show it. Counseling can be a place where he can express those feelings. 

I'm also going to be somewhat blunt here in saying that at some point, you have to let go of the pain and move on. Sometimes bad things happen, you grieve for a while, and then move on because you can't hold on to it forever, as you only hurt yourself. I could be mad at the world for everything I have been through, but I choose not to let it take me down. I've been through more surgeries than I can count, multiple MRIs and other tests, had my lung partially collapse for no known reason, had 2 miscarriages, have a partially paralyzed vocal cord, and so on. Life can be tough. It's your decision how to live your life. You can let a tough time define you or you can choose to overcome it. Don't live your life as a victim. Take care.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

That is easier said than done, Anonymous. I'm trying to move on, but it's not something that can be forced. People heal at different speeds. Trust me, I hate how my life is right now. But I can't rush through the healing process just because I want it to be over. I stuff my emotions too often as it is, and run away from things that are hard to deal with. I'm taking the time I need to really deal with this so I can be truly healthy and happy. I'm not wallowing in my pain. But I'm not going to pretend I'm okay when I'm not. And with all due respect, you're not me. I'm sorry you've been through so much, but you don't need to make me feel like my pain is less severe than yours just because my lungs have never collapsed.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> That is easier said than done, Anonymous. I'm trying to move on, but it's not something that can be forced. People heal at different speeds. Trust me, I hate how my life is right now. But I can't rush through the healing process just because I want it to be over. I stuff my emotions too often as it is, and run away from things that are hard to deal with. I'm taking the time I need to really deal with this so I can be truly healthy and happy. I'm not wallowing in my pain. But I'm not going to pretend I'm okay when I'm not. And with all due respect, you're not me. I'm sorry you've been through so much, but you don't need to make me feel like my pain is less severe than yours just because my lungs have never collapsed.


I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through, I'm just saying not to hold on to the pain. You can journal to let it all out instead of stuffing it inside. You go through the process and after that is done, let it all go. Don't bring back up the pain down the road.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> It's definitely taking a toll on me, so I can't imagine that it wouldn't be taking a toll on him.


Well, not to be harsh so please don't misinterpret me, HE does get to feel however he feels. 

My advice is different than the others here. Get what counseling you need. But, again not trying to be mean, in my opinion you should take a break from this board. The replies on other threads don't sound like you. This might not be the best place for you right now.

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. I hope it gets better very, very soon.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I journal a lot to keep from stuffing. I see a counselor to keep from stuffing. I've learned techniques on how to manage my anxiety. I'm planning to return to school in the fall. Finish my degree. Get into a career. Find an actual purpose for my life, find my identity. I'm trying not to hold onto the pain. 

But again, that is easier said than done. I'm going through the process. I'm not out of it yet. I'm taking my time so that I _don't_ hold onto the pain. I'm taking my time so that I _really_ heal, and don't have pain or anger to hold on to. "Moving on" is not where I'm at yet.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> Well, not to be harsh so please don't misinterpret me, HE does get to feel however he feels.


I didn't mean or say that he didn't. Not sure where that's coming from...



> My advice is different than the others here. Get what counseling you need. But, again not trying to be mean, in my opinion you should take a break from this board. The replies on other threads don't sound like you. This might not be the best place for you right now.
> 
> I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. I hope it gets better very, very soon.


Thanks for your opinion.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> I didn't mean or say that he didn't. Not sure where that's coming from...


You cannot understand why he does not feel the same way you do. Why he is not grieving as you do. It is an important point. Your heeling cannot hinge on his feeling the same way. 

But of this thread, the most concerning is that you have said he has been ambivalent about your entire marriage. Is that true?




> Thanks for your opinion.


I was not attacking you. This is not a great place for people who are in a state that they describe as lost, suffering from anxiety, etc.. It just isn't.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> You cannot understand why he does not feel the same way you do. Why he is not grieving as you do. It is an important point. Your heeling cannot hinge on his feeling the same way.


I see. I don't need him to feel the way I do. And, not to contradict you, but I _do_ understand why he doesn't feel the way I do; why he hasn't grieved the way I have. It's simple: he's not me. My comment about all of this taking a toll on him was the fact that it has taken such a toll on me, I'm sure it's taken some kind of a toll on him as well. He said as much last night. 



> But of this thread, the most concerning is that you have said he has been ambivalent about your entire marriage. Is that true?


In some ways, yes. It's not that he doesn't care about the marriage. I believe he does. He's just apathetic, and always has been. Specifically when it comes to my emotional needs/love languages. He has had a very hard time meeting my needs. He understands them, knows what they are, he knows what I expect, but he just doesn't meet them on a consistent basis. With the miscarriages he was there for me 110%. But my emotional needs have always been different. 



> I was not attacking you. This is not a great place for people who are in a state that they describe as lost, suffering from anxiety, etc.. It just isn't.


I didn't say you were attacking me, nor do I feel attacked. I just don't agree.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> I didn't say you were attacking me, nor do I feel attacked. I just don't agree.


I am glad. I did not want you to think that my words came from a point of right fighting, or other BS that can occur on this board.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Nope. I've never gotten that vibe from you, not in this thread or any other.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> Nope. I've never gotten that vibe from you, not in this thread or any other.


Glad to hear it. I hope your relief from your troubles and all that you are looking for are yours very soon.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I journal a lot to keep from stuffing. I see a counselor to keep from stuffing. I've learned techniques on how to manage my anxiety. I'm planning to return to school in the fall. Finish my degree. Get into a career. Find an actual purpose for my life, find my identity. I'm trying not to hold onto the pain.
> 
> But again, that is easier said than done. I'm going through the process. I'm not out of it yet. I'm taking my time so that I _don't_ hold onto the pain. I'm taking my time so that I _really_ heal, and don't have pain or anger to hold on to. "Moving on" is not where I'm at yet.


Did you ever join the support group for having a miscarriage? 

Someone gave you the link before to the support group through babycenter and I'm curious if you utilized that resource. 

Also, why not try this exercise? 

Every morning, when you wake up, write down one thing you are thankful for that day in your journal. Don't write a list all at once, just one thing each and every day. Instead of focusing on your pain(a miscarriage you couldn't control), you begin to focus on everything you are so blessed to have in your life. 

It's a process. Don't say "well I know I have things to be thankful for". That's not the point of the exercise.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> Did you ever join the support group for having a miscarriage?
> 
> Someone gave you the link before to the support group through babycenter and I'm curious if you utilized that resource.


The online one? I did join, but I can't say I actually posted anything. 



> Also, why not try this exercise?
> 
> Every morning, when you wake up, write down one thing you are thankful for that day in your journal. Don't write a list all at once, just one thing each and every day. Instead of focusing on your pain(a miscarriage you couldn't control), you begin to focus on everything you are so blessed to have in your life.
> 
> It's a process. Don't say "well I know I have things to be thankful for". That's not the point of the exercise.


I wasn't going to say that, but thanks for assuming. The exercise sounds like a good idea. It's often difficult to see the good through all of the bad, and that makes the bad seem like it's overpowering my life. Makes the good seem weak or few and far between.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Did he meet your needs before marriage?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Sorry to hear about this C2W.

I can't really offer any advice and can't imagine what you are going through. To be honest unless someone has gone through the exact same thing it is hard to understand your pain.

Just wanted to let you know that you have some support, just sorry it couldn't be more concrete support.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

C2W, I think you really should go to MC and take your H along. My wife was resentful towards me for a long time after her miscarriages, because she felt like I was being ambivalent, but I was actually trying to hold it together for her benefit. We didn't figure this out until well after my son was born (like 5 years later).

You say you H is ambivalent and apathetic about your relationship in general, MC will hopefully get at the core of that issue. If he truly is that way about your marriage (not saying he is...), you might want to reconsider having children with him in the first place.

Good luck, and I hope things get better for you soon.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Anon07, with respect, you have a living child. It's easier to heal and move on from a miscarriage if you have had a successful pregnancy.

I'm not going to comment more on the miscarriage, I've never had one and don't feel qualified.

But I am going to give my perspective on the emotional needs. I am - very very happily - married to a man who doesn't fulfil one of my primary emotional needs, which is verbal appreciation and admiration. My other top need is physical affection, including sex, which he is totally on board with. 

But he can't/won't compliment me often or be particularly articulate about why he loves me. He's always been this way. 

It has bothered me a lot in the past, and occasionally bothers me now, but to look at things clearly, it won't change. He is a fantastic husband in almost every other way. It would be insane to leave him over this. So I concentrate on his (many) wonderful qualities, as well as acknowledge that I'm in no way perfect. 

So you, C2W, need to weigh things up. Chances are, he won't change much. He may a little, but you've written extensively about what you feel you need with regard to appreciation/admiration, and you're not going to get that from someone who is not naturally bent that way. So do his other good qualities make up for that? He supported you well through your miscarriage, which is in my opinion, a huge plus. He's attractive, he loves you, he works hard and is ambitious. He wants children, you share values generally. You have fun together.

Is all that enough? He may be depressed partly because he feels inadequate and hopeless when he thinks about trying to make you happy. 

And of course, be aware there is no perfect person. I have sometimes envied other women who's husbands seem more overtly appreciative. Most of them are now divorced. My husband has loved me steadfastly for more than 20 years. 

Anyway, don't make any decisions for the next six months. Try to get further down the road to healing over the miscarriage first. Maybe a support group would help.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm sorry for your loss, C2W. My little one would have been two this year. The anniversary of my miscarriage was last week, actually...

I know you've heard this and probably been through this, but I PROMISE it gets better with time. I know for me, the most healing thing I did, even better than the counseling and the support groups, was getting a tattoo. I have the initials of the name we'd chosen on my ribs; when I get my cover-up of the tattoo near this one, I'll re-integrate those initials into it, so my baby truly will always be a part of me.

I'm still not totally over it - there are still days where I see little kids (especially ones with my coloring) and get mad or sad. You don't forget. It doesn't stop hurting, you don't "get over it". But it does become easier to not let those thoughts bother you the further away from it you get.

I recommend NOT marking anniversaries, not all of them at least. I did that at first - "I would be x months along today", "today was my due date", "today was the day I found out I was pregnant". I know the day I miscarried, but I don't "celebrate" it or have a day of mourning or anything like that.

As for the husband: mine never got help. I know a lot of men who have been through miscarriages and just didn't seek out help. I'd say give him some space and time. He just lost a child, too. Keep him updated on your progress with your healing process, but give him some space, at least for now, and cut him a little bit of slack. It's entirely possible that he's fighting his own demons right now, too.

Last thought: you're angry right now. That's okay. I was too. I would keep in mind the distinct possibility that your anger and sadness may be clouding your opinion of your husband, though. I say this because of the very polarizing words you use to describe him, like "never [there for me emotionally]" and "always [been apathetic about the relationship]."


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

TiggyBlue said:


> Did he meet your needs before marriage?


More than he does now.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> Sorry to hear about this C2W.
> 
> I can't really offer any advice and can't imagine what you are going through. To be honest unless someone has gone through the exact same thing it is hard to understand your pain.
> 
> Just wanted to let you know that you have some support, just sorry it couldn't be more concrete support.


Thanks Wysh. I appreciate that. Even little things help a lot.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

keeper63 said:


> C2W, I think you really should go to MC and take your H along. My wife was resentful towards me for a long time after her miscarriages, because she felt like I was being ambivalent, but I was actually trying to hold it together for her benefit. We didn't figure this out until well after my son was born (like 5 years later).
> 
> You say you H is ambivalent and apathetic about your relationship in general, MC will hopefully get at the core of that issue. If he truly is that way about your marriage (not saying he is...), you might want to reconsider having children with him in the first place.
> 
> Good luck, and I hope things get better for you soon.


Thanks keeper. I am considering MC since this issue keeps returning, and if there's something causing it, we can't seem to figure it out. We go through cycles where we get better, and then it reverts back to apathy, then it gets a bit toxic and unhealthy, and then it gets better, yadda yadda. I think MC will help, and he's agreed before that it might help us solve the problem without having to argue about it.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Anon07, with respect, you have a living child. It's easier to heal and move on from a miscarriage if you have had a successful pregnancy.
> 
> I'm not going to comment more on the miscarriage, I've never had one and don't feel qualified.
> 
> ...


I think this very well could be part of it, but...I dunno. I don't feel that it's right for me to do without something that is important to me just because it's not something that comes naturally to him. I guess the answer to your question would be no, it's not enough. That doesn't mean I love him less, it doesn't mean I'm not insanely in love with him, it doesn't mean I'd even leave him. Because he _is_, overall, an amazing husband. And I'll even admit, I'm emotionally needy. He's known this since the first date. But if I can change to meet his needs, why is it improbable that he'd change to meet mine?



> And of course, be aware there is no perfect person. I have sometimes envied other women who's husbands seem more overtly appreciative. Most of them are now divorced. My husband has loved me steadfastly for more than 20 years.
> 
> Anyway, don't make any decisions for the next six months. Try to get further down the road to healing over the miscarriage first. Maybe a support group would help.


Thanks Lyris. I won't be making any decisions(well, major ones) for _at least_ the next year. This last year has been filled with so much devastation and confusion, it would be destructive to make any major decisions right now. You offer great insight, because given the issues we _could_ be facing, he and I are almost prefect for each other. Would I rather be incompatible with someone else in another way and get admiration? At this point that answer would be no, but I can't say that I'd be as happy as you without it, either.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I'm sorry for your loss, C2W. My little one would have been two this year. The anniversary of my miscarriage was last week, actually...
> 
> I know you've heard this and probably been through this, but I PROMISE it gets better with time. I know for me, the most healing thing I did, even better than the counseling and the support groups, was getting a tattoo. I have the initials of the name we'd chosen on my ribs; when I get my cover-up of the tattoo near this one, I'll re-integrate those initials into it, so my baby truly will always be a part of me.


I actually plan to get a tattoo. I need to save the money and figure out the design, but yeah. I want to get one. 



> I'm still not totally over it - there are still days where I see little kids (especially ones with my coloring) and get mad or sad. You don't forget. It doesn't stop hurting, you don't "get over it". But it does become easier to not let those thoughts bother you the further away from it you get.


I've noticed this a lot. Realizing that there will probably never be a time when it doesn't hurt has helped. Kind of takes the pressure off, ya know? I'm not crazy if it hurts when yet another friend of mine is pregnant, even though I'm not. I'm not crazy when I can hold a friend's baby one day and not breakdown, but see a stranger's kid and bawl for an hour afterward. 



> I recommend NOT marking anniversaries, not all of them at least. I did that at first - "I would be x months along today", "today was my due date", "today was the day I found out I was pregnant". I know the day I miscarried, but I don't "celebrate" it or have a day of mourning or anything like that.


I don't know what I'll do. The first miscarriage was on mother's day, the second was a couple of months before that, so...I dunno. 



> As for the husband: mine never got help. I know a lot of men who have been through miscarriages and just didn't seek out help. I'd say give him some space and time. He just lost a child, too. Keep him updated on your progress with your healing process, but give him some space, at least for now, and cut him a little bit of slack. It's entirely possible that he's fighting his own demons right now, too.
> 
> Last thought: you're angry right now. That's okay. I was too. I would keep in mind the distinct possibility that your anger and sadness may be clouding your opinion of your husband, though. I say this because of the very polarizing words you use to describe him, like "never [there for me emotionally]" and "always [been apathetic about the relationship]."


DH _has_ struggled with this since the beginning of our marriage, but it's possible the miscarriages have made it worse. I don't know. He insists they haven't, but that could be his attempt to be strong for me. I just don't know.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I forgot...I was going to post some of the good things that have been happening. I'm going back to school(finally!). I love my job right now, but I don't make enough. So, I'm going back to school. This is really great because it's giving me something specific to look forward to. I'm ready to be in a career, to be challenged, and I love being in school anyway. The plan is for me to start in the fall. 

Sexual frequency has increased as well, something DH and I are both happy with. Last night was....well, just amazing. It's been months since we've had real, passionate, and emotional connections sexually(since the first miscarriage), and last night we connected on many, many levels. I think DH almost cried, he was so happy, and I could have cried because I was so happy. It's date night tonight. 

Anyway, just wanted to show that there _is_ improvement being made.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You may find, over the years, as evidence of his love, admiration, respect and appreciation mounts up, that your need for verbal affirmation grows less. That's been my experience. I know my husband loves me and thinks I'm wonderful because he trusts me, respects my opinion, loves spending time with me, looks at me appreciatively and touches me all the time.

And then, as you need it less, he may be able to offer it more. That's also been my experience. Sometimes, just out if the blue, my husband will say something lovely. Like he feels our home life is "blissful". Or that I look gorgeous. Or that I'm colourful and fun and vibrant.

Like I said not often. Maybe a few times a year. But they mean such a lot, because I know he really really means them.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

The only thing I can say for sure is that I'm not you. And I don't mean that in any argumentative, or defensive, or negative way. I just mean that I probably won't respond to this situation the same way you did. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't believe that I should have to accept less than I need, especially when DH doesn't have to accept less than he needs. I have, and will continue, to be better for him. It's not easy, not at all. But I believe in the basis of _5 Love Languages_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_, and the more I make his needs a priority, I feel that he should make mine a priority. 

I can't make him do it, though. And if he really _can't_ change in that way, I'll have to find a way to compromise without feeling resentful.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Still working at it*



Created2Write said:


> Thanks keeper. I am considering MC since this issue keeps returning, and if there's something causing it, we can't seem to figure it out. We go through cycles where we get better, and then it reverts back to apathy, then it gets a bit toxic and unhealthy, and then it gets better, yadda yadda. I think MC will help, and he's agreed before that it might help us solve the problem without having to argue about it.


I am making no commentary on the state or direction of your marriage. But those words you wrote above, summed up my marriage.

Sounds like you are the engine in yours, someone always is. I was the engine in mine.

I am going to submit that the issues are synergistic, but not related.

I don't know that the miscarriages are what is impacting his behavior. My gut tells me it's the marriage, and how marriage is perceived by both of you.

You do need to address this together before you do find yourselves as parents. Because once children are in the mix, well again, I'll relate my experience; she didn't need me to meet her emotional needs. The children did that in spades. In your case, if the two of you were to continue on that trajectory, you start to orbit one another, rather than actually connect.

I think you should both consider that depression is playing a role in your dynamic, and act accordingly. 

There was a point in my marriage where stress and anxiety landed me in the hospital twice. Took AD meds for about 12 weeks. Cleared my head and was able to see things differently. 

I'm being long winded because I'm stuck in an airport ...

Another personal experience. Ended my last dating relationship because ... I knew I wasn't meeting her needs. We had a lovely time whenever we were together. Fun, passionate, engaging. But when I traveled, which is often, it was like the bottom fell out for her every time. If I didn't text her enough, touch base enough, reassure her enough, she would be disappointed, and sometimes angry. She didn't feel valued. And the reality was, I was giving all I had to give. I stepped way outside of my normal behavior for her benefit. And we eventually, mutually and respectfully decided to end things. 

Again I'm just trying to relate for your consideration, not telling you to pull the plug. At the end of the day, this is the man that meets your needs and contributes to your joy in life ... or he doesn't.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> The only thing I can say for sure is that I'm not you. And I don't mean that in any argumentative, or defensive, or negative way. I just mean that I probably won't respond to this situation the same way you did. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don't believe that I should have to accept less than I need, especially when DH doesn't have to accept less than he needs. I have, and will continue, to be better for him. It's not easy, not at all. But I believe in the basis of _5 Love Languages_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_, and the more I make his needs a priority, I feel that he should make mine a priority.
> 
> I can't make him do it, though. And if he really _can't_ change in that way, I'll have to find a way to compromise without feeling resentful.


There comes a point where every couple hits a bedrock of irreconcilable differences. This might be it for you both, it's similar for me and my husband. I said to him a little while ago something like, I wish you'd tell me nice things more, but in the end, I'm not going to leave you over it. 

And I'm not. So that's where the discussion ends really. And I'm 15 years ahead of you with two children in the mix, so I've decided better to change my attitude to see all the positive things than keep focussing on what I'm not getting.

I'm the emotional driver in our relationship, like Deejo says, there's always one. You probably are in yours. You probably always would be, no matter who you were with. It can get exhausting I know, and it's usually fine as long as you're in a good place, but when something goes wrong (miscarriage, ill health, infertility, children) then it's hard, because if the other person doesn't step up, everything goes under. 

One last thing; you mention he should work to meet your needs. As much as you can, let go of the word should. All it does is breed resentment and dissatisfaction. 

From everything you have written, you really love your husband and he really loves you. You found each other young, like my husband and I did. I think it's easy to overlook how rare that is when that's your situation. 

But it is rare. And it's a precious thing to be where I am now and look back over basically my whole adult life, more than half my life now, and see this person that I adore and have always adored growing older alongside me. It's something to be cherished.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks. I really appreciate the posts, everyone. I feel like I'm coming to terms with the fact that nothing in my life has gone the way I thought it would. Professionally, emotionally, in my marriage, as a woman...this isn't what I imagined marriage would be life. That's not bad at all, because there are a number of issues my husband and I could be facing that I really am blessed not to have to deal with. But my life really hasn't been what I dreamed it would be, and I'm learning to cope with that. Well, trying to cope with it anyway. 

I may never have biological kids. That's a very possible reality I may have to face very soon, and it's a large pill to swallow. I'm faced with two choices: try again and risk another miscarriage(or worse,) or look at sterilization. DH feels that trying again is too risky. He's started talking about getting a vasectomy, and I'm still too torn to know which choice is the right one. Or is there even a right one? 

I'm going back to school in the fall, which is extremely exciting. The idea of finally being in a profession is motivating. I've felt less depressed lately. The other night I actually named the two babies we lost and something about that made me feel like the door to closure was opened. I'm not through the door yet, nor is the door closed, but it's open. I can actually see a life where I'm _living_ not just existing. I see things I want and I feel a drive to pursue them again. So, there are positive things I see and feel. But there are also very real choices I see...choices that will change the course of my life, my husband's life, and our marriage. 

We know we will adopt someday. We've always known that. DH told me the other day that he would rather get a vasectomy than risk another emotional breakdown. And I don't want to make an impulsive decision, either way, that I'll regret.


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