# The Silent Treatment



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

Just curious, how many men or women use the silent treatment on their spouse instead of talking through issues? I am starting to believe that a person cannot really love another when they let it go on for so long. 

Here is my current situation as an example... I have been completely ignored now for 22 days. Ignored = not a hello, not even a glance in my direction in the house, going to a room and locking himself in for any time he is in the house with me. All of this stemming from an accusation of me cheating on my H after spending the day with my family and spending the night there, and he knew exactly where I was and I even called him to tell him. I was interrogated as soon as I came home and he even implied that my family was helping me keep this "affair" from him. Trust me, there is no other man nor has there ever been, nor is there any interest... why would i want to deal with another man when i have to deal with this BS? I feel as if he is fabricating an issue to cause us to split up so he can put all the blame on me so he will not have to take any responsibility for any of this.

I will admit, I am guilty of getting upset at the accusation and giving a bit of the silent treatment myself for a couple of days while waiting for an apology or at the very least some rational civility to talk it out. the apology was never given (surprise), same as any other time he was wrong and knew it. 

he makes every disagreement into a contest, he never loses either. funny enough, i found a book that he was reading titled "How to win every argument". i found that to be very telling, more so than i thought i knew about him. i feel like i am in a no-win situation because he isn't interested in talking things out, just trying to control the situation by ignoring me, as if to say I am not worth the effort.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

What is his basis for making that accusation? Was this out of the blue or was there a series of events that lead up to this? My wife is good for the silent treatment, but not for that long.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

My mother, sister and I spent the day together (which is very rare since we don't all live that close together). we traveled to a small town my mom used to live in when she was young to go and spend the day together, hiking, looking at the leaves turning, taking photos, etc. & having a dinner there. He knew where I was going several days beforehand and I even reminded him the day before. Long story short, the day was longer than we thought it would be and instead of driving to my house after getting to my mom's i decided to spend the night because i was exhausted. I called to let him know i wouldn't be home that night and that i was spending the night there. The next morning, my sister insisted I go with her for a pedicure before she returned home, so I went. I was a couple hours later to get home the next day, but I was home by noon. That's when all these wild accusations started. I was really shocked because normally he is so rational and logical.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Well, I once dated a control-freak, manipulator and he accused ME of cheating on him while he was gone on a ski trip. I figured out that HE had been the one cheating and was accusing ME so he could justify (in his own petty little mind) his cheating.

I wouldn't be SHOCKED to find out he's cheating on you!



> I feel as if he is fabricating an issue to cause us to split up so he can put all the blame on me so he will not have to take any responsibility for any of this.


Who cares if that's his bottom line...take the opportunity to LEAVE THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP as a GIFT! So he makes you the 'bad guy'...you'll still be rid of him! So he doesn't take any responsibility for your cr*ppy marriage...you'll still be rid of him. It just seems like a win/win to me!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

From now on, STs is a dealbreaker for me, with mates or with women or with NSA or whatever.

It's one behaviour that I'm never ever going to encourage ever again. Had enough of it for 4 years of marriage. It's fking hideous and it drives me nuts, so forget it. Next woman who tries that -> out the fking door.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> ... why would i want to deal with another man when i have to deal with this BS?


Why, indeed? Your husband is fabricating an affair, and there is the possibility (in my mind at least) that he is paranoid. I was married to an alcoholic who manufactured just such a scenario about me. The alcohol fueled his paranoia. Actually, he was a raging narcissist and a misogynist to boot. Needless to say, I didn't let the door hit me in the a$$ when I eventually escaped from that hell.



SeptemberBlue said:


> he makes every disagreement into a contest, he never loses either. funny enough, i found a book that he was reading titled "How to win every argument".


Yep, suffered through that as well. Control freaks and narcissists live by the credo, "MY way or the highway" when it comes to disagreements of any sort. Arguments become a matter of life-or-death to them. Whatever the cost, they are right. Or so they think ...

So how long do you intend to stay in this toxic atmosphere? I always knew a day or so beforehand when an argument or some sort of "drama" was coming, followed by the obligatory silent-ignore-me treatment. I got to the point that I made it my life's goal to get the heck outta there. I got to the point that the only thing I felt for my exH was disgust and contempt. 

I learned a great deal from that chapter of my life. And I got into some very serious counseling to figure out why I stomached that type of behavior for more than five minutes.


----------



## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

22 days of silent treatment is insane. I couldn't last a day with silent treatment against me. Ignoring is the worse form of manipulation that someone can do to another person.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with the other posters. I've written an article that you may find helpful, too: Best Ways to Respond to Silent Treatment


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

There could be a possibilty of an affair, maybe online, but he never is anywhere but work or home. Sometimes i think dealing with an affair would be easier because it would be a real issue. It is hard to compete with a persons imagination i have found. I also believe this my be a side effect of Rx pills he is taking (paxil and atavan) i posted about that earlier today. Thank you for your insight. You hit dead on with the way i am feeling about it. It is toxic

After reading your article, Kathy, it reaffirmed how i feel that this is abusive manipulation. Part of me is just hoping it is a side effect of the drugs and can be corrected. The other part of me is ready to abandon ship.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

Great article, BTW!


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I used to give DW the ST sometimes when I was much very younger. Never for very long like the OPs experience. Happily I grew out of it. I cannot remember the reasons but I doubt they were anything like justification. Thankfully she put up with it (though she did say she did not like it) and we are still happily together. I think she reckoned I would improve (must ask her sometime). She is very wise where I am concerned.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think 22 days is pretty extreme for it to be a medication side effect. Paxil is an anti-depressant and Atavan is anti-anxiety. Neither are known for bringing about the behaviors you've described. 

If it was me going through this, I'd be letting him know that I would never agree to cut off half the world's population (men) plus my family and friends purely so he'd talk to me. I might even go so far as to say, "Since you're no longer talking to me, I'm going to visit my mom again this weekend. You can reach me at her number if you need me."


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Silent Treatment = Lack of Communication Skills = Immaturity..........IMO!


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> Just curious, how many men or women use the silent treatment on their spouse instead of talking through issues? I am starting to believe that a person cannot really love another when they let it go on for so long.
> 
> Here is my current situation as an example... I have been completely ignored now for 22 days. Ignored = not a hello, not even a glance in my direction in the house, going to a room and locking himself in for any time he is in the house with me. All of this stemming from an accusation of me cheating on my H after spending the day with my family and spending the night there, and he knew exactly where I was and I even called him to tell him. I was interrogated as soon as I came home and he even implied that my family was helping me keep this "affair" from him. Trust me, there is no other man nor has there ever been, nor is there any interest... why would i want to deal with another man when i have to deal with this BS? I feel as if he is fabricating an issue to cause us to split up so he can put all the blame on me so he will not have to take any responsibility for any of this.
> 
> ...


I've done the silent treatment before for a day or two, not totally ignoring but not going out of my way to talk to him either, until he finally asks why then it all comes out. 22 days seems excessive...almost like abuse.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Silent Treatment = Lack of Communication Skills = Immaturity..........IMO!


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

today is day 25 of the ongoing silent treatment. initially i think it was immature, but now i am starting to think it is something more clinical, like paranoid personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. I have been doing a lot of research lately just trying to wrap my head around what could be wrong.

just today i discovered a book that he has downloaded, called: "Never Be Lied to Again: How to Get the Truth In 5 Minutes Or Less In Any Conversation Or Situation"

i just feel like it is a no-win situation. he believes he is right about whatever it is he thinks i am lying about, namely being unfaithful to him, which couldn't be farther from the truth. there is no way i feel like i can convince him that he needs therapy with him justifying in his mind that i am covering something up or being defensive. i am sure reading a book like that will probably give him some kind of justification for his beliefs.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

can someone develop a personality like this suddenly? has he kept it well hidden and the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds keeping him from his ability to hide it like he has done for so long? How could i not have known this about a person i have been with for almost 10 years?

i find it crazy that the drugs that are supposed to help with this kind of thing seem to be having the opposite effect and intensifying this behavior.


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Getting all those books and being so strict with the silent treatment seems insane... Even if someone thinks he's right, he could at least try to talk about it... Or at least confront the other person with the "truth".

I kind of give silent treatments to my husband, it's more for me to cool down too, since I can't discuss anything if I'm too hot headed in the moment. But I can never go for days with it... Not sure if I suspect cheating I could do it, but then if I suspect, I'd prefer to talk about it rather than living in doubt and away form warmth of my husband.

It is not ok, and he was just suspecting, doesn't even have proof of anything.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

lilith23 said:


> Getting all those books and being so strict with the silent treatment seems insane... Even if someone thinks he's right, he could at least try to talk about it... Or at least confront the other person with the "truth".
> 
> I kind of give silent treatments to my husband, it's more for me to cool down too, since I can't discuss anything if I'm too hot headed in the moment. But I can never go for days with it... Not sure if I suspect cheating I could do it, but then if I suspect, I'd prefer to talk about it rather than living in doubt and away form warmth of my husband.
> 
> It is not ok, and he was just suspecting, doesn't even have proof of anything.


Same reasoning for me with the silent treatment. Usually, bringing up my grievances only makes things worse anyway and causes a big fight. So...


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

i admit i have given the silent treatment in the past, but i would certainly break my silence if he would just talk to me, but usually i just realize how stupid it is after a day or two and i end up apologizing to him just to get him to come around, even if it isn't my fault, just because i was some peace in the house again. i did not do this often at all, i would much rather talk it out, but he has never been a talker and certainly not where emotions are concerned. he just shuts down and consequently i do too.

after doing all this research i realize how wrong it is to use the silent treatment at all, i will do everything i can to never go that route again and especially not apologize for something i didn't do. i think a lot of women do this, i just wasn't aware of all the underlying damage it does long after the silent treatment is over.

this is certainly more than the run-of-the-mill silent treatment. this is psychotic.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> i admit i have given the silent treatment in the past, but i would certainly break my silence if he would just talk to me, but usually* i just realize how stupid it is after a day or two and i end up apologizing to him just to get him to come around, even if it isn't my fault, just because i was some peace in the house again.* i did not do this often at all, i would much rather talk it out, but he has never been a talker and certainly not where emotions are concerned. he just shuts down and consequently i do too.
> 
> after doing all this research i realize how wrong it is to use the silent treatment at all, i will do everything i can to never go that route again and especially not apologize for something i didn't do. i think a lot of women do this, i just wasn't aware of all the underlying damage it does long after the silent treatment is over.
> 
> this is certainly more than the run-of-the-mill silent treatment. this is psychotic.


Mistake. Apologizing for probably something you had every right to be mad about. Well played (by him).


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Never. I don't do passive agressive bullsh!t. I wouldn't be with someone who behaved that way, either.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Well played (by him).


yep. you are very right. but now i know better. 

i'm never doing that again. at the time it just seem more important to drop it for the sake of peace and try and get along even if he couldn't apologize. i don't care about winning arguments, but i do want to be heard. i guess that is the difference between us.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> yep. you are very right. but now i know better.
> 
> i'm never doing that again. at the time it just seem more important to drop it for the sake of peace and try and get along even if he couldn't apologize. i don't care about winning arguments, but i do want to be heard. i guess that is the difference between us.


Peace is nice...but it also teaches your spouse that all he has to do is wait it out and then he knows you will eventually apologize for "being so mean". It kind of teaches that you are wishy washy. I've also learned the hard way. Working on it though.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Never. I don't do passive agressive bullsh!t. *I wouldn't be with someone who behaved that way, either.*


I was just thinking the same thing! I can live in *peaceful* silence by myself and be MUCH happier. No way I'd live in those conditions!!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> Just curious, how many men or women use the silent treatment on their spouse instead of talking through issues? I am starting to believe that a person cannot really love another when they let it go on for so long.
> 
> Here is my current situation as an example... I have been completely ignored now for 22 days. Ignored = not a hello, not even a glance in my direction in the house, going to a room and locking himself in for any time he is in the house with me.


You said you are at day 25 now. 

I'm sorry.

Habitual use of the silent treatment in a pattern is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. It's immature, it's controlling, it's manipulative and it's, to me, worse than smacking someone in the face. 

My exH was the king of the silent treatment. He did it all the time and while we had other issues in our marriage, the reason I left him, above and beyond everything was because he would NOT talk to me sometimes out of the blue, sometimes when upset, I never knew. 

The day I moved out, he'd not spoken a word to me in a month and a half. I told him "The next time it happens, it's the last time." That was it.

I have experienced many things in my life but nothing in the world ever made me feel so invalidated as when he'd give me the silent treatment.

You are correct--someone who loves you will NOT ignore you blatantly and intentionally.

Stonewalling your partner is WRONG.

I will absolutely never ever be in a relationship again where someone does this to me. It's a dealbreaker.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> I was just thinking the same thing! I can live in *peaceful* silence by myself and be MUCH happier. No way I'd live in those conditions!!



i can too. it is much easier to live by yourself with no expectations of a person talking to you than wondering if they even know you are alive in the same house. I was very happy living alone before we were married, I have no problem doing that again.

I started another thread called "I think Paxil is ruining our message" to give you more of a backstory on this. I believe they are related. The only thing that stops me from insisting he go live somewhere else for a while is that his medication may be causing this behavior, or at least contributing it the extreme part of this behavior. Part of me doesn't want to give up on him if it is medication and can be reversed in some way. 

or maybe it is just wishful thinking. i am trying to give it some time, but in no way will i live with him this way indefinitely. I have more self-respect than that.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> I started another threat called "I think Paxil is ruining our message" to give you more of a backstory on this. I believe they are related. The only thing that stops me from insisting he go live somewhere else for a while is that his medication may be causing this behavior, or at least contributing it the extreme part of this behavior. Part of me doesn't want to give up on him if it is medication and can be reversed in some way.


In that case, I'm thinking you need to contact his dr. and ask these questions. We are certainly not medical drs. here.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You are correct--someone who loves you will NOT ignore you blatantly and intentionally.
> 
> Stonewalling your partner is WRONG.
> 
> I will absolutely never ever be in a relationship again where someone does this to me. It's a dealbreaker.



me either, now that i am living through this. and it most certainly is just towards me, because he invited some friends over the other day and was just having a great time downstairs without me, acting like nothing is wrong here. after they left he resumed his silence. as if to say that it is only me he hates right now. so manipulative, i just have to laugh at his pettiness.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Day 25 of the silent treatment? :scratchhead:

He needs to be in treatment, STAT!


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> In that case, I'm thinking you need to contact his dr. and ask these questions. We are certainly not medical drs. here.


i did contact his doctors yesterday, they were of no help. basically told me if i felt threatened to call 911. i told them, you guys prescribed this medicine to him, you most certainly can do something about it. the trouble is i don't want them to tell him that i told them he was acting strange, they said they can't get him in there and talk to him without telling him i said that. i have to live with him and my gut says he would absolutely look at it as betrayal in some way and things will escalate here. so i am in a catch 22.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

trey69 said:


> Day 25 of the silent treatment? :scratchhead:
> 
> He needs to be in treatment, STAT!


but how do you get someone in treatment when they believe that the other person is all of the problem? he thinks he is just fine and is always telling me that i am the crazy one. anything i say to him regarding therapy translates to him that i am just trying to fight with him.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

i have suggested we both go to MC together and he says, "YOU need therapy, i am not going to go and hold your hand, go get the help YOU need finally"

he doesn't want to face his issues, his lack of dealing with his work, boss, mother. he has abandonment issues, comes from a horrible family life. i think he is just shutting down and i am an easy target.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

SeptemberBlue said:


> but how do you get someone in treatment when they believe that the other person is all of the problem? he thinks he is just fine and is always telling me that i am the crazy one. anything i say to him regarding therapy translates to him that i am just trying to fight with him.


Have him committed? I dunno really. Some states you can have another person committed if they are of harm to you, another person or themselves. If he is not harming, I have no clue, but 25 days of being silent is for sure mentally off and quite damaging to all involved.

Or you could always remove yourself from the situation.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Do you try talking to him at all? Not begging, pleading BS....but just about anything like the weather? Can he handle a conversation about the weather???


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

trey69 said:


> Have him committed? I dunno really. Some states you can have another person committed if they are of harm to you, another person or themselves. If he is not harming, I have no clue, but 25 days of being silent is for sure mentally off and quite damaging to all involved.


agreed. i don't expect anyone to really be able to help me with this without some counseling, which i will probably do myself before calling it quits, that way i can say i tried everything i can think of. i guess i am just venting about this because it has gotten me so confused.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Do you try talking to him at all? Not begging, pleading BS....but just about anything like the weather? Can he handle a conversation about the weather???



yes, i have, it doesn't work, he has his heels dug in. i make myself available in the house so go about my business like nothing is wrong. he just looks at me like i am his mortal enemy. it makes for a very tense home life. i get an awful sinking feeling everyday when he returns from work.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> me either, now that i am living through this. and it most certainly is just towards me, because he invited some friends over the other day and was just having a great time downstairs without me, acting like nothing is wrong here. after they left he resumed his silence. as if to say that it is only me he hates right now. so manipulative, i just have to laugh at his pettiness.


This is so my exH. To a tee. I have a soft spot for anyone going through this bullsh!t. Anyone who hasn't experienced a silent treatment controller/manipulative ar$e doesn't know what a mindfvck it is. 

Did he do this before or just started doing it more now? Does it happen in a pattern? 

This isn't normal, September.

You need to talk to him about it. He will either weork with you to reach a resolution or he won't. If he won't, then you need to decide what you want to do--stay in the status quo or not.

Read here:

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse

Stonewalling: How Abusers Express Anger by Saying Nothing at All

Dr. Gottman's Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce | AndersonCooper.com


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You can try counseling and doesn't mean you have to still live in the house with him. Personally I couldn't stay in that situation. I'm not saying things can't be worked out at some point if he were ever willing to bend, but sometimes drastic measures have to be taken in order to get some kind of response, or in your case, just some relief from it all. 

BTW, it doesn't mean you are giving up, but it does mean you think more of yourself than to just stay there and take this treatment.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> he just looks at me like i am his mortal enemy. it makes for a very tense home life. i get an awful sinking feeling everyday when he returns from work.


Yep. This is exactly how it is. I would get panic attacks and my anxiety was through the roof. There were a lot of days I did not want to come home from work at all. And just like you, talking about it did NOT help because he KEPT doing it.

It's a game to them. Stop playing it. And do not apologize if you've done nothing wrong.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does he give the silent treatment to others? How is his relationship with his mom? How long have you been married? Does he ever speak well of any of his exes/blame them for their break up? Accept responsibility? Apologize?


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Does he give the silent treatment to others? How is his relationship with his mom? How long have you been married? Does he ever speak well of any of his exes/blame them for their break up? Accept responsibility? Apologize?


he has always been a loner i guess, but he has always had friends, plays in bands with other people. but i don't think relationships with other go much further than the music they have in common.

we have been married for 4+ years, we have been living together for 7 years and i have known him for 10 years

His relationship with his mom is basically estranged, although he has one with her, he sees her maybe every other year and maybe calls he on the phone every 2-3 months. honestly i think his mom is a very immature person and certainly not a good role model. his parents divorced when he was young and his mom was a partier and eventually went to prison for drugs and he was left alone in his teens to fend for himself. i know he hasn't been dealt a horrible hand, but i accept that about him and try to be as supportive as i possibly can. which is why the cheating accusation/belief has absolutely gobsmacked me.

he never talks about ex's, although she cheated on him, so i know he never dealt with that either. never talks about his feelings, no matter how much i try and cajole him.

i have never received an apology from him, for anything. he is a master at turning tables and usually i don't think the fight is worth the effort because it usually ends up like this regardless, but not to this extreme. i feel like he believe apologizing for something makes him look weak or wrong. ugh.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I just read your other post, too, and can say that with personality disorders, the symptoms don't "disappear" for a decade. Whatever is going on with your guy is not likely to be borderline personality disorder, for certain. Some form of a mood disorder might be possible, but my instinct wants to fight that idea, for some reason. 

Is there any possibility of you getting into counseling yourself to appease him and asking him to join you "because the counselor recommends it?" In other words, could you ease into marital counseling with an actual psychiatrist who is qualified to understand and treat with medications?

I actually was going to recommend Dr. Gottman's books, too, and then saw someone else did. I suspect your husband has been hiding his unhappiness about your relationship and that what you're really seeing is stonewalling as he prepares himself to leave you.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I suspect your husband has been hiding his unhappiness about your relationship and that what you're really seeing is stonewalling as he prepares himself to leave you.



could very well be. we have been in this pattern for a while now. i feel like he hasn't respected me for a while now because in my attempts to get closer to him, i have made him have to open up his emotions, which he has always guarded. the closer i tried to be, the farther away he went. which would explain why he could be hiding the way he feels about me and the relationship, and now it is coming out in the form of the 3-headed hydra. we are like the repelling ends of magnets now.

either way, if he wants to leave, i will be okay with that. i won't like it, but i can live with it since this is the alternative. i am emotionally exhausted and so much damage has been done i don't see how i can every really trust him again, always having to walk on eggshells around him and not dare discussing my *feelings*


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Yep. This is exactly how it is. I would get panic attacks and my anxiety was through the roof. There were a lot of days I did not want to come home from work at all. And just like you, talking about it did NOT help because he KEPT doing it.
> 
> *It's a game to them. Stop playing it. And do not apologize if you've done nothing wrong.*


:iagree:

Whatever the reason and whatever his plans, do not play his game a second longer. Have no doubt, he is enjoying every single second of your torture. 

PLEASE don't continue to give him the satisfaction. The link below has some of the ideas that worked for me.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SeptemberBlue said:


> but how do you get someone in treatment when they believe that the other person is all of the problem?


You don't. You cannot "get" anyone to do anything. Just as you cannot "make" anyone see/do/try anything they do not want to. That is the truth. 

Also, s omeone who elieves someone else is "all" of the problem and this:



SeptemberBlue said:


> he thinks he is just fine and is always telling me that i am the crazy one. anything i say to him regarding therapy translates to him that i am just trying to fight with him.


... he refuses to take blame for anything, including his immature silent treatments. Not cool, man.



SeptemberBlue said:


> *i have never received an apology from him, for anything*. *he is a master at turning tables *and usually i don't think the fight is worth the effort because it usually ends up like this regardless, but not to this extreme. i feel like *he believe apologizing for something makes him look weak or wrong*. ugh.


I'm not surprised. People who emotionally abuse are this way. The words I AM SORRY seem to not be in their vocabularly. This guy sounds a lot like my ex.



SeptemberBlue said:


> i feel like he hasn't respected me for a while now because in my attempts to get closer to him, i have made him have to open up his emotions, which he has always guarded. the closer i tried to be, the farther away he went.
> 
> i am emotionally exhausted and so much damage has been done i don't see how i can every really trust him again, always having to walk on eggshells around him and not dare discussing my *feelings*


I am sorry.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The silent treatment is a passive aggressive ploy used by one person in order to keep the other person walking on eggshells around them in order to (a) get their needs met or (b) punish the other person for some misdemeanor - real or imagined. It's cruel and unhealthy and should never be tolerated in any relationship.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:iagree:


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

OP:

I honestly think YOU should move out. If he comes around and wants to converse again, do it on the phone or meet him in public.

If you have been gone for 60 days and he has made NO attempt to contact you, MOVE ON. I know you feel badly for his early life, but you joining him as his life circles the drain serves no real purpose.

If you died next week, is THIS how you would have wanted to live the last year of your life? You have NO IDEA how much time you have left...how much will YOU WASTE *CHOOSING* to stay in a situation that makes you miserable?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Only got the Silent Treatment ONCE in my life. Ex-H #1 ignored me for 3 weeks; barely grunted in acknowledgement of questions. When he started speaking to me again, I asked him *what* I had done to piss him off so he wouldn't talk to me for weeks? He said, "Oh, you didn't do anything; I was mad about something at work." WTF?!? I ripped him a new one and told him the next time he pulled that BS that we were getting divorced. Told him I could be ignored just fine by 4 walls in an apartment...I didn't need him to do it!

At least no-one in MY life has to worry about the Silent Treatment! If I was silent to anyone for more than 3-4hours they'd know to call 911 and try to have me resuscitated!


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I've done the silent treatment before for a day or two, not totally ignoring but not going out of my way to talk to him either, until he finally asks why then it all comes out. 22 days seems excessive...almost like abuse.


That's very immature and manipulative.

You got a problem with him, then tell him.

Don't wait for him to ask.

Even 1 hour of silent treatment is excessive.. almost like abuse.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> That's very immature and manipulative.
> 
> You got a problem with him, then tell him.
> 
> ...


I have in a couple of occasions ceased all kinds of communication. That would be called "silent treatment" it seems. And i tell you, my relationship is way better for it. If i was forced into a discussion before i had that time out to vent steam things would have gone bad.

Max time of it was one day. I was royally pissed at something and if i had been forced into confrontation that very moment i would have probably say things i would regret later. If this fits some people's notions of "abuse" then tough cookies. I simply don't give a damn. When i don't want to talk i genuinely don't want to talk. I'm sorting out what i'm going to say and how. It's about regaining MYSELF before i talk. 

BTW someone posted this site where this is the "advice":



> You'll need to boost your self-worth and make yourself immune to your husband's control tactics. Here are some ways to start:
> Remind yourself that he feels uncertain and out of control, which is his own problem, not yours. You can say, "I recognize that you don't feel competent to handle this right now. Is there something I can do to help you get ready?" If he doesn't answer, accept that as his answer - there's literally "nothing" you can do.
> Do not show that you're uncomfortable with his silence. Complaints, pouting, sulking, and needling him to talk are all signs that his cold shoulder is working its magic. This kind of evidence gives him reason to keep doing it.
> Avoid trying to figure out what he's thinking. You're not a mind-reader. If you do his thinking for him, he has no reason to share his thoughts with you now or later.
> ...


This ladies, is total crap. You try this "tactic" on a guy like me and you will not like the result. Some guys aren't trying to "manipulate" you. In fact when men do this for a short time they are mostly calming down. Silent treatment as manipulation is some female bullsh!t that some women do. 

Having said this, the OPs husband is totally going gung ho on the situation. I don't know if this is a silent treatment at all. This may be him just letting go of the marriage. 20 something days are nuts.

Apparently he is under medication and is acting all sorts of weird. He needs to see a doctor.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

i wish it were as easy as me moving out, but i am afraid that is an impossibility right now. i work from home and have 4 large dogs, two of which are pitbulls and a pit/rotweiller mix, no one in their right mind would rent a house to me with that many dogs, much less the breeds. 

i feel like he should go, it definitely won't be me to leave first. he has already said that he would file for bankruptcy if we split, so i know our house that i have been working on for all these years would be lost. i will stay here and do whatever necessary to get the mortgage paid first and foremost. he has also told me, point blank, he does not care about the fate of the dogs if we split, so i am definitely not leaving them to him to care for, because he won't, and probably just to spite me.

if he has a problem then he needs to leave and work on it rather than living in the middle of it. either get over himself or get out. he just got home from work and locked himself in his room again, so this concludes day 25 of the ST, on to day 26…..


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> he has also told me, point blank, he does not care about the fate of the dogs if we split,


Really? Are the dogs yours or are you both understood as owners? Did he manifest resentment about the animals before?


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Really? Are the dogs yours or are you both understood as owners? Did he manifest resentment about the animals before?


they are all ours, he has never ever resent the dogs, ever. something is wrong with his brain, gotta be. he has always adored the dogs, now he shows zero interest in them. he won't even keep water in their bowl, which is his chore, i feed them, he waters them.

there is no way in hell i would leave them.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

SeptemberBlue said:


> they are all ours, he has never ever resent the dogs, ever. something is wrong with his brain, gotta be. he has always adored the dogs, now he shows zero interest in them. he won't even keep water in their bowl, which is his chore, i feed them, he waters them.
> 
> there is no way in hell i would leave them.


This whole deal is sounding worse and worse. He needs to see a doctor ASAP. Can you talk to someone that he trusts to see if he will get himself checked?

People get mad at each other all the time, with reason or no reason. But animals, you either like them or you don't. You don't suddenly don't give a damn about dogs that are yours.

Sudden personality changes while under medication can be signs of something seriously wrong.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

costa200 said:


> This whole deal is sounding worse and worse. He needs to see a doctor ASAP. Can you talk to someone that he trusts to see if he will get himself checked?
> 
> People get mad at each other all the time, with reason or no reason. But animals, you either like them or you don't. You don't suddenly don't give a damn about dogs that are yours.
> 
> Sudden personality changes while under medication can be signs of something seriously wrong.


yes, the whole thing makes me want to puke. he is not himself. i feel like i am living with a hostile stranger, wondering when he is going to finally snap. i am probably exaggerating that, but i just don't know, it's so weird right now!

i called his doc yesterday and they were zero help because i asked them not to tell them that i called to let them know he is acting bizarre. i don't want him to come home from that appointment if the tell him it was me, in his mind right now he would see it as betrayal instead of concern. so the conversation with the doc basically ended with "well, there is nothing we can do, if you feel threatened or he is trying to harm any one or himself, call 911"..... uh OKAY?!


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Can you talk to someone that he trusts to see if he will get himself checked?


he really doesn't have any close friends that i could tell that kind of info to, and he has little to no contact with his remaining family members. this is just a crap sandwich any way you look at it.

I do have my family that i leave to visit if it gets too much for me here. they are actually frightened for me, even though he has always been such a polite, nice and laid back guy. it sucks.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> wondering when he is going to finally snap. i am probably exaggerating that


You're not. Mind altering drugs CAN lead to psychotic episodes. And the not watering the dogs shows a concerning lack of empathy for innocent animals. 



> "well, there is nothing we can do, if you feel threatened or he is trying to harm any one or himself, call 911"..... uh OKAY?!


Holy crap! Doctor is an idiot... He could at least call him in for a "routine" follow up. That isn't exactly rocket science is it?

If he shows any signs of eminent violence get away ASAP. You may feel compelled to stay and help, but don't risk it.


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Doctor is an idiot... He could at least call him in for a "routine" follow up. That isn't exactly rocket science is it?



you would think. the doctor is a GP and not a psychiatrist nor does he go to any kind of therapy, he has no one he confides in that i know of. it really ticks me off that they give him 11 refills without any follow up, a whole year's worth of medication. as long as he has his prescriptions, i know he will cancel any upcoming appointments because he figures he has his meds, what does he need to go for?

i believe these medications need to be given/monitored in a different way, because sick people never seem to realize they are sick. if you know you are crazy, are you really crazy? you know?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Could you accidentally lose the Paxil on purpose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SeptemberBlue (Sep 14, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Could you accidentally lose the Paxil on purpose?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i have heard from others who have taken this drug that there could be extreme withdrawal symptoms and that stopping cold turkey would likely be a bad idea. believe me i have thought about it, but i think it would be like putting a fire out with gasoline.


----------



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

The silent treatment is mental abuse. My x did this to me. I hated it. It does nothing for a relationship. It is a way of controlling and manipulating.


----------



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

SeptemberBlue said:


> i have heard from others who have taken this drug that there could be extreme withdrawal symptoms and that stopping cold turkey would likely be a bad idea. believe me i have thought about it, but i think it would be like putting a fire out with gasoline.


You are right. If you took away the Paxil it would cause more problems. I tried to go cold turkey on that drug and I went nuts. You have to do it slowly, took me 7 months to get off it.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

OP:

If your family is WORRIED/CONCERNED for you, PLEASE take this seriously! I don't even *KNOW* you, but what you've written here SCARES me FOR YOU.


----------



## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

I am so sorry you are here....

I have read your other thread and am scared for you....I think your only option (because Big Pharma is Corrupt!!) is to call 911 the next time he threatens to harm himself...maybe even try to talk to him....maybe push it...sounds crazy...but it might save his life...he needs desperate help...not just meds....
Please keep us posted....I am worried about you both...


----------

