# Feeling stuck and helpless in my marriage



## Goose_ZA (8 mo ago)

I have been married for 6 years this August. The begining of our marriage was good. And as time went passed, I was not as invested in our marriage as I should have been, I stayed at home, didn't want to go out, we did not have much sex, she was unhappy and this lasted about two years. I was blind to it. Stuck in my ways. Couldn't see that I was not being a good partner to her. She started working on yachts as a stewardess about a year ago, and went north as they do for the seasons. I was still puttering along in my usual selfish ways, blind to the fact that I was emotionally unavailable to her, neglecting to love her and do things with her. 
I wasn't abusive, or spoke meanly to her, it was nothing like that. I just didn't really partake in being together, going on dates. The simple things that I should have been doing to nurture our marriage. We did do it sometimes, it wasn't completely barren, but not as much as I should have... I feel that during that part of our marriage, I didn't allow us to experience just living and enjoying life with each other. 
And that's not to say that it was all bad. We have good memories, but few and far between. 
Back to her going north on the yachts, I noticed her being different, just off overall. Communication lacking more, disconnected. During a facetime, I asked her what's wrong, that I noticed a change in her and asked why, and if everything is ok. This is when she told me she was considering leaving me. That she wasn't happy. And we spoke about it, why she was feeling like that. What the was wrong with our relationship. And we decided to start going to couples therapy, she would fly down when possible and we would go to therapy, and this helped to surface some of the problems in our relationship. However with her being away, it was hard to keep the therapy up and eventually we didn't go back because it would be a month sometimes to our next session. This experience of her telling me she was unhappy and wanted to leave me was a shock to me. With her being away, I saw this as an opportunity to work on myself, find myself again, find the man she fell in love with again, build better habits. I read books and forums of being a better partner, how to invest into our relationship. And I feel I have done good, I feel the changes are positive, and she has agreed. I started focusing on her, on her needs, on loving her, and loving to spend time with her, experience new things with her.
But the distance, the off didn't fully go away. And I started to sense her being secretive.
This went on for about 2-3 months, she would come back to visit for a few days every few weeks, or once a month. She didn't want to get intimate with me, she wasn't very affectionate. At some point I asked if there was someone else and she said no, and I left it at that. 
On October 14th, she was visiting, and it was early in the morning. Around 1am, I couldn't sleep. I still had that feeling there was someone else. For the passed two months, I had been going crazy, having anxiety attacks, constantly scared that she was having an affair, suicidal thoughts, feeling lost, no motivation to do anything, crying myself to sleep, not eating. I was consumed by this feeling. And when she visited that time in October, I was still that way. And I looked at her phone and went through her messages and found the truth. 
Messages between her and the first mate of the previous boat she was working on, only a few days old. On how they missed each other, I didn't not read much, I couldn't go further then the 2 messages I read. And they where him saying that he missed her tight *****, and that she misses his ****. 
I went outside and smoked the rest of my box of cigarettes ( which I have now stopped smoking). I was angry, filled with rage, and stayed outside for about an hour an a half. Breaking down. 
Once I calmed down, I went back inside and got her phone, pulled the messages up and woke her. I asked her to sit up and sit on the edge of the bed with me. She asked why, and I said, please, just sit up. We need to talk. 
So she sat up and I gave her a minute to come to, and I gave her the phone with the messages pulled up and asked "what the hell do we do now" she started off by trying to deny the extent of it, and I said to her that now is not the time to lie anymore. That if there is any hope left here, everything needs to be out in the air. She started crying, saying she doesn't want us to end. And I did not want it to end either. She said she would block him and not talk to him again. And I told her that was a given, but I wanted her to send him one last text, and tell him I know everything, and that is the reason she can no longer communicate again.
Things where hard at first, I couldn't do much without thinking of it. She came back home soon after that and has been home since around November. It was hard at first but we worked on us, spent time with each other. And fast forward six months and I feel I have forgiven her. I'm not angry about it. But my self confidence is still shattered, the fear of it happening still does linger. It has only been six months. 
She has now just gone north again. It's been almost two weeks since she left. And the last six months have gotten better. We were really doing well. Spending time with each other, intimate, experiencing life again. 
With her leaving, I feel like she has gone back to that way. I feel sidelined, that she is not making time for me. I don't speak with her all that often, a short call most mornings in the hustle of getting to work, not much texting during the day and every now and then a facetime late at night when we are both tired. 
It's not that she doesn't have the time, I feel that she is choosing to go out rather then make some time for me. I don't expect her to not do anything and be confined to her quarters and talking to me after she is done working. But....some time would be nice. I'm feeling anxious again, and scared. I feel like I have PTSD, going right back to those feelings I had the first time round. 
I spoke with her about it a few days ago, and told her how I feel. That I'm lonely and I don't feel like she wants to spend time with me. 
I said that when she is away, that it feels like she feels she gets to break free of me. And she said she kind of feels like that too. And that broke my heart, I have been trying to be as best of a partner and husband as I can since this all started. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. 
I'm upset because she chooses to go out rather then spend a night and watching series or something with me for even just one night. 
She tells me she is going out to dinner and won't be back late and we can call, and I don't hear back from her until 11-12.
The one that really hurt was that she had said we could watch series and hang out on face time, and then told me she was lnt feeling good. And closer to the end of the day I asked how she was doing and if she was up to hanging out still and she said she doesn't know, she just woke up from a nap and is feeling better but she is still resting. And then the next message I received was that she was going to dinner and then to a concert with the first mate on the boat she is working on.

I'm so scared to lose this women, I love her with everything I have. And I'm scared because as much as I search I cannot find it inside me to find anything else I want to do or to motivate me to keep going other then her. I feel that she is my only motivation in life, and that without her, I have nothing. I don't want anything else, there's nothing else for me. I just want a life with her, to spend time with her. And have our own family and house, and to have dinners over candle light, and cuddle I'm a fire place during Christmas. I want that so bad.
Im scared always, I feel lost, I'm uncomfortable with her hanging out with this guy, I try not being passed experience into it, to not make the feeling toxic, but I feel she is choosing to spend time or do things, with this person rather then spend some time with me. 
I don't know what to do, what to feel, I'm back to barely eating, crying myself to sleep every night. Feeling lonely. I don't want to go home to our lonely apartment, because it's our apartment with our things, and our memories of intimacy in places, the couch where ever that I want to experience again so badly. Just taunting me. 
I don't know how to move forward, I don't know what to say to her. 
I'm scared to say something and she pushes me away, but I'm tired of putting on the fake smiles, to pretend I'm not as bad as I am. 
I don't know what to do.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

When you say “hanging out with this guy”, she’s not still working with or in any way in contact with her affair partner is she?

If your marriage is to continue, she can’t “go north” on work trips where she’s shown she can’t be trusted. That’s an absolute. If that is something she won’t agree to, then better to know that now, and move on, than pretend things could work because she can come up with better excuses and cover for what goes on while she’s away.


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## Goose_ZA (8 mo ago)

I'm. It ready to give up o


Casual Observer said:


> When you say “hanging out with this guy”, she’s not still working with or in any way in contact with her affair partner is she?
> 
> If your marriage is to continue, she can’t “go north” on work trips where she’s shown she can’t be trusted. That’s an absolute. If that is something she won’t agree to, then better to know that now, and move on, than pretend things could work because she can come up with better excuses and cover for what goes on while she’s away.


No, this is a different yacht entirely. She is not in contact with the affair partner that I am aware of. 
I have meet the entire crew which only consists of 2 others, the captain and the first mate. The captain I have meet, we have hung out, with him and his wife, had dinner with them and I'm comfortable with him. 

The first mate I met but barely spoke with. I'm scared to say that her going north is not working because I'm scared of the outcome. I'm scared she will not agree with that. I don't know if I'm ready for the outcome of that conversation. 
And I scared of where that might leave me afterwards as far as emotionally and if I can actually cope with that outcome or not.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Goose_ZA said:


> I don't know what I'm doing wrong.


Ok. Here it is:



Goose_ZA said:


> I feel that she is my only motivation in life, and that without her, I have nothing.


Yes, well, you are giving this woman far, far, far, far too much power in your life.



Goose_ZA said:


> I don't know what to do.


You could try the Watusi. Or:

The 180

Yes, I know. It's stated to be for "infidelity". It is 100% correctly placed into your situation. You are married to a cheater.

You need to take off from work for an entire afternoon. And, figure out what you are going to do with your own life, which has NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO with this woman. You have your own life to live. She needs to understand that she will either tow the line, and be your wife, to the exclusion of every other man in the world, or she will be NOTHING to you.

You may "feel" stuck and "feel" helpless, but the reality is, you are neither stuck nor are you helpless.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

As hard as it is, you have to stop the fear from influencing your actions. Your marriage will only survive if you both want it to. If she has checked out, the odds are strongly against it surviving. You cannot control her. She has to want the marriage as much as you do. Right now it seems like she has placed you in a one sided open marriage. 
She clearly is choosing her new man over you. Unless she confesses, you will never know what is going on because she will not be that careless again. In my view, your only chance is to stand up firmly for what you want out of life and your marriage. It is better to go down swinging than to go down with a whimper. 
I think you should consult a lawyer so you know what a divorce would look like. You should tell your wife that you will not share her emotionally or physically. Tell her that she has deliberately become distant again and you can only believe that she is cheating again. Tell her that if she wants the single life you will not stand in her way and you will grant her a speedy divorce. Tell her if she wants to save the marriage she needs to come home right now and work on it with you. She will need to find another job. If she refuses, you will have your answer - she is gone already.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Goose_ZA said:


> I don't know what to do, what to feel, I'm back to barely eating, crying myself to sleep every night.
> I don't know how to move forward, I don't know what to say to her.


It sounds as if you are in a fragile emotional state. It's not unusual at all in this situation. I feel that you need individual counselling ASAP. I don't mean marriage counselling at all, but counselling for YOU to help to deal with your emotions as you go through this.
If you have family/friends who live close by, I suggest that you also reach out to them.

You can continue to post here too. You may not like or want to believe what posters say as it might seem harsh. But they will say those things because her actions while she's away suggest that she is not showing sufficient remorse. Instead, her actions are causing you to suffer even more.


Goose_ZA said:


> I'm scared to say something and she pushes me away, but I'm tired of putting on the fake smiles, to pretend I'm not as bad as I am.
> I don't know what to do.


I'd try not to put on fake smiles and pretend etc. Emotional honesty is necessary in a marriage when there's a relationship problem. She may push you away or she may not. But you will need to be honest with her at some point. Delaying it won't change the outcome.
Take good care of yourself.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Again I ask, what has happened to young men today?

read No more Mr Nice Guy.

Your wife shouldn’t be dating other men. Going out to eat and a concert with the first mate is a date.

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Your wife is cheating still, just a different person.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Her choice of work is not conducive to a stable marriage, especially your marriage. She has already had one affair and it looks like she is well on her way to starting another one. The first affair was never dealt with properly. You need to build your self-esteem, concentrate on your career, and have a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife NOW. You need to make it clear that her choice of employment is not acceptable, her lack of interest in communicating with you during her new work assignment, and the likelihood she is well on her way to having another affair spells doom for the marriage. She must quit her job NOW, fly home and repair the damage, if possible. She must enter counseling with someone versed in infidelity. She must own up to her infidelity. It has been rug swept by the two of you.

But, to be honest, it doesn't look good for you and the marriage. That is why you must be proactive and get your ducks in a row. Go see a lawyer in order to assess your options. Don't allow yourself to be made a chump. That is what is going on. The marriage cannot be put back on track without your wife's full and complete effort. That hasn't happened. Just the opposite. I feel bad that you are going through this experience, but it is time to get angry and not allow her to treat you as some fool. I strongly suggest you get into IC with someone who can build up your confidence so that you can move on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell her to get a normal job close to home or you’re divorcing her!

No more jobs where she’s away and choosing partying with other guys over calling you.

she seems like she sucks at being a wife.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

_I'm so scared to lose this women, I love her with everything I have. And I'm scared because as much as I search I cannot find it inside me to find anything else I want to do or to motivate me to keep going other then her. I feel that she is my only motivation in life, and that without her, I have nothing. I don't want anything else, there's nothing else for me. I just want a life with her, to spend time with her. And have our own family and house, and to have dinners over candle light, and cuddle I'm a fire place during Christmas. I want that so bad._

The person who cares the least in a relationship, the one that is willing to walk away, has all the power. That is your wife.

You need to find other, healthy motivations in life. 

She will not change for you for the better. She will leave you when she is bored. When there is no more emotional turmoil/fuel to get from you.

How do you move forward? Leave her. Depart unannounced and without warning while she is away. Ghost her and have divorce papers prepared. Going no contact will allow you some peace and clarity because her hold over you is overwhelming. Seek counselling.

Nothing will change for the better if you stay with her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

you just rug swept her affair and now she’s off to do the same thing with a new guy? Your marriage will not survive with her having a job like that. If she’s not hooking up with her coworkers, she can will a passenger. She has shown through her actions that she’s not trust worthy. There’s no way she should have a job like she has. If she’s not already having sex with a new guy, it won’t be long.

Why do you want to stay with her? You seem very incompatible. You’re an introverted homebody and she’s an extrovert that wants to mingle and live a single life. You should definitely divorce. I bet she’s not happy either. It will not be long before she’s back out there looking for your replacement. You said that you’ve made some changes but you can’t become someone you’re not and neither can she.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Goose_ZA said:


> I'm so scared to lose this women, I love her with everything I have. And I'm scared because as much as I search I cannot find it inside me to find anything else I want to do or to motivate me to keep going other then her. I feel that she is my only motivation in life, and that without her, I have nothing. I don't want anything else, there's nothing else for me.


You need therapy, and you need it ASAP!
The reason why she doesn't value you or desire you is because of this mentality you operate by!
When you found out she had an affair and confronted her she was expecting you to lay the law, or kick her to the curb!
She was expecting you to stand up for yourself and your values!
You did none, in HER eyes you became that weak SIMP sitting at home, crying in bed!
You basically rug-swept it, and when you did that she lost all respect for you, you were very week!

You should have kicked her to the curb or at least told her to quite her job, no more going north, south or east, and start working on the marriage or else you will divorce her!
Women desire men who are confident, strong, fit, have moral values, have emotional strength, have leadership and have a purpose in life!
From what you wrote, you almost have none of those!

Women desire men that other women desire, she thinks that no other women will want you, she feels ashamed that she ended up with you, like she got the bad deal!
She is comparing you to all the men she meets and you are losing in every corner!
She is comparing you to that Alpha dude (the first mate), and you wont stand a chance!
She doesn't even want to be intimate with you anymore!

Your whole identity is wrapped around someone else, only weak broken people do that, that's why you need therapy, women don't want men like that, they might stay to take advantage of them financially, and once they find someone they desire who are willing to take them they will dump their spouse in a heart beat (AKA Monkey Branching)!

You said you did a lot of reading, but I believe you read the wrong books!
People like you always get the bad deals in life!, they will always get cheated on or treated horribly in relationships!

But please understand, she is having an affair with this new guy!
She is basically looking and latching on any man other than you, this is how bad she sees you because you were so weak and didn't stand-up for yourself and you marriage values!

So what do you need to do to be that man with high value:

Book a therapy with a good councillor ASAP.
Hit the gym at least 5 days a week (not just cardio but lifting weights this is very important)!
Start the 180 immediately (it's for you not her)
Find a hobby
Start some volunteer work (Have some kind of a purpose!)
Read these books ASAP now (never tell her you are reading these books!!):
No More Mr. Nice Guy - Dr. Robert Glover (Author says share this book with your spouse, in his webform they say it is a bad idea!)
The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida
The Rational Male - Rollo Tomassi
The Rational Male - Positive Masculinity - Rollo Tomassi
The Unplugged Alpha: The No Bullsh*t Guide To Winning With Women & Life - Richard Cooper (This book is mainly geared towards single men but it will help you understand women better in this modern times)

Check Rollo Tomassi and Richard Cooper YouTube channels (And see how many people like you changed their lives and became high value men)
If you don't have the strength to do these basic steps then there is no hope for you, no one can save you but yourself!
Mopping around and feeling sorry for yourself will not change anything!
When you feel confidant enough, tell her to quit her job and focus on the marriage or else you are filing for divorce!
Heck, you might even kick her to the curb without thinking about reconciliation!

Best of luck buddy!


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

At this point you've already lost her and you're not even close to being in the kind of headspace where you can be a partner to a woman. So let her go and spend a few years being single and working on yourself. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT start dating anyone else until you've made some real progress or you'll just end up back in the same rut.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She a woman who will need constant attention from a man.
So when you aren’t there - she just picks one who will pay attention to her and entertain her!

you can’t make her happy. She a common cheater. Rethink loving her… she is a nightmare.

get some serious counseling on why you would want to be with her - you shouldn’t want that!

I hope you tell her not to come home at all! 
her type of love is dangerous for a guy like you. Quit being so stuck on someone who treats you terribly!


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

QuietGuy said:


> As hard as it is, you have to stop the fear from influencing your actions. Your marriage will only survive if you both want it to. If she has checked out, the odds are strongly against it surviving. You cannot control her. She has to want the marriage as much as you do. Right now it seems like she has placed you in a one sided open marriage.
> She clearly is choosing her new man over you. Unless she confesses, you will never know what is going on because she will not be that careless again. In my view, your only chance is to stand up firmly for what you want out of life and your marriage. It is better to go down swinging than to go down with a whimper.
> I think you should consult a lawyer so you know what a divorce would look like. You should tell your wife that you will not share her emotionally or physically. Tell her that she has deliberately become distant again and you can only believe that she is cheating again. Tell her that if she wants the single life you will not stand in her way and you will grant her a speedy divorce. Tell her if she wants to save the marriage she needs to come home right now and work on it with you. She will need to find another job. If she refuses, you will have your answer - she is gone already.





Beach123 said:


> She a woman who will need constant attention from a man.
> So when you aren’t there - she just picks one who will pay attention to her and entertain her!
> 
> you can’t make her happy. She a common cheater. Rethink loving her… she is a nightmare.
> ...


Sometimes tough love is the best love!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What’s the update OP?


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