# Too young to be so lonely



## thelonelywife (Apr 13, 2013)

Im in my early 30's, married to my DH for 6 years (together for 12) We've been through a lot, more than most couples our age should have to go through, and I love him very much. He's an amazing father to our children, and I find him very attractive, but we never ever have sex. Like if I bring it up and we get in a big fight maybe we will here or there for a few days after that fight but if I'm not pushing for it it won't ever happen. We've gone 6 months to a year before. Now it's awkward between us. We don't even kiss and if we did it would feel so strange.

Any time we do have sex it's me making the first move and even then, 9 times out of 10, I am rejected. I have cried so, so many tears over this. It's making me feel awful about myself. I was always so confident, so outgoing. I am losing that side of me.

When I bring it up to my husband about our lack of sex life he gives me all different reasons why it is my fault given whatever is going on at that particular moment (well youre still breastfeeding so I don't want to touch your boobs since they hurt, or the kids make me tired, or why would I want to when you're so *****y, you're too OCD about the house) or whatever. I've heard dozens of reasons for the last 10 years about why he doesn't ever think to touch me. Before our marriage I had a few serious relationships that were quite sexual and I find myself fantasizing about other men, exes, etc. because I am just not getting what I need at home. It is so demoralizing, humiliating you name it to be a young 30's woman whose husband won't touch her without being forced into it via a fight. I love my husband very much. I don't want to give up on my marriage. But I am looking down the line at fifty more years together and I can't go through my whole life feeling rejected. 

Can this be fixed?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The short answer is yes, it CAN be fixed. But he needs to see how his own actions have led to your feelings of loneliness. Until he sees and acknowledges what he is doing, essentially pushing you away, then no, it won't be fixed.

His Needs, Her Needs to start. 5 Love Languages wouldn't hurt to read either. One more thing... I suggest putting exes and such out of your mind... When you are at such a vulnerable state, it's VERY easy to get caught up in the fantasy... and push it further. Be careful with those thoughts, that you don't turn to someone else for that validation. That will make things much, much worse for you... and less likely to improve/more likely to end the marriage. 

But, you're not alone. There are many here who have been dealing with this sort of thing.


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## thelonelywife (Apr 13, 2013)

Thank you Maricha. I will definitely read those books. He knows how this makes me feel (because we've fought/argued about it at length) but it doesn't seem to instill any long term change in him. I hear you on the being careful bit. I have an ex who would be more than willing and I feel that temptation growing. 

I should have also mentioned above, b/c maybe these things go hand in hand, that this argument, like most in our marriage, seem to be one sided in that he doesn't really respond. He sits there. Closes his eyes. Gives one word answers. Maybe it's the difference between men and women but I will tell him how hurt I am and his response will be "what do you want me to say, I'm sorry" or somthing like that, without ever really going into a conversation with me. That is just magnifying the loneliness I'm feeling too.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

So sorry your going through this.Most normal married people
should be having regular sex.

Has your husband always been like this?

If so I doubt it is even a problem to him.
Lack of sex can be a deal breaker if one spouse wants
it and the other won't be willing to fix it.

Is there a chance your husband is having an affair or
maybe is asexual?

If he is not willing to change,I doubt your marriage will
last.Him making excuses to get out giving you want you need
are wrong.

Most healthy normal husbands would be happy to have a
wife who desires and wants regular love making.

Good Luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel as I went through the same thing for a long time. 

In the end I found out that my husband had been cheating on me the entire time with several other women over the years. He used the withholding of sex as a form of emotional abuse. Men withhold sex like this more often than most people realize. It's usually a passive aggressive way to for them to handle their anger and resentment. Instead of talking about the problems and solving them, they just find a very effective way to punish their wife.

I have some questions that will help to figure out things that you can do to get your marriage beyond this.

Do you work outside the home? Does your husband?

What happened years ago about the time that he started to withhold sex?


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine months without intimacy, affection. You lose something in the translation along that affectionless road; your self worth is, well, worthless. It can change, sure, but you've got to do something shocking to snap the guy out of it. I whined and pouted for seven years to have a relationship other than just being a friend with my wife. You sound a lot like me, except I'm a man. I was on my way out the door, maybe the marriage, back in January. Up until that point, over the past seven years, I don't think my wife understood the importance of the situation. When I was on my way out, she realized it soon afterward. Hell, she didn't show any emotion when I was yelling, shaking. It further cemented that she didn't love me nor that she cared about us. I felt like she didn't love me at all. I never considered divorce as a viable option, but as I mentioned in another thread I think it is an option, and could possibly be exercised if the need arises. It's selfish for a spouse to withhold affection. Some people equate it to an affair (not that I do, per se). The effects can be similar though. What are YOU prepared to do about it?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

thelonelywife said:


> Thank you Maricha. I will definitely read those books. He knows how this makes me feel (because we've fought/argued about it at length) but it doesn't seem to instill any long term change in him. I hear you on the being careful bit. I have an ex who would be more than willing and I feel that temptation growing.
> 
> I should have also mentioned above, b/c maybe these things go hand in hand, that this argument, like most in our marriage, seem to be one sided in that he doesn't really respond. He sits there. Closes his eyes. Gives one word answers. Maybe it's the difference between men and women but I will tell him how hurt I am and his response will be "what do you want me to say, I'm sorry" or somthing like that, without ever really going into a conversation with me. That is just magnifying the loneliness I'm feeling too.


Honey, he knows it in his head, but hasn't taken it to heart. IDK, this may be one of those rare times when I would speak up and say "Hey, this is how I'm feeling about the lack of intimacy. It's something I NEED. ANd I NEED it from YOU. Because I am not getting it from you, I have begun to wonder what it would be like with someone who DOES return the affection/feelings." Unfortunately, even THAT has the potential to come back and bite you on the ass too.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

It's his job and yours to fix things, not just yours...

But since he is not the one posting...

Are you really OCD? Do you give him a lot grief at home? When he looks at you, does he see a loving wife or does he see someone that causes him grief? If he might hold that view, would there be any merit to that view?

People that are happy desire sex more than people who are not.

Might he be unhappy, and might he have valid reasons to be unhappy at your responsibility?

If you're not doing anything to add to a possible pool of unhappiness within him, of course I'd agree he needs to man up, fix whatever is making him unhappy, and get back to loving a loving wife if that's the case.


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## thelonelywife (Apr 13, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> So sorry your going through this.Most normal married people
> should be having regular sex.
> 
> Has your husband always been like this?
> ...


He sort of has always been like this. I remember even before we were married that I felt like I was always the one to instigate things. It's definitely getting worse.

In terms of having an affair. I guess anything is possible, but beyond a flirty email once that he sent someone who lived several thousand miles away I don't really think so. Asexual I have wondered about, or some other hormonal imbalance or something. I've even wondered if he was gay, though I don't really believe he's gay I just can't relate to not wanting any sex. He always dated very exotic women before me. I am not exotic. I've asked if why he married me if he's not attracted to me. He claims he is, so I'm at a loss.

ETA that I don't think he's asexual b/c he does pleasure himself in the shower, which sort of makes me resent him that he wastes it in there instead of with me. He says because its easier. Good grief I can't win.


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## thelonelywife (Apr 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I know exactly how you feel as I went through the same thing for a long time.
> 
> In the end I found out that my husband had been cheating on me the entire time with several other women over the years. He used the withholding of sex as a form of emotional abuse. Men withhold sex like this more often than most people realize. It's usually a passive aggressive way to for them to handle their anger and resentment. Instead of talking about the problems and solving them, they just find a very effective way to punish their wife.
> 
> ...


It does feel abusive, though I don't think that's his intent. He's not a mean spirited person. I stay home now with our very young children, but I used to work outside of the home and the situation was the same. This has been going on for most if not all of our relationship. It's just to the point that I can't take it anymore. We've been through a lot over the last few years that if that was when it started I would attribute to it, but no there is nothing big that I can picture since this has been going on since back when things were "happy." too


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## thelonelywife (Apr 13, 2013)

stevehowefan said:


> My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine months without intimacy, affection. You lose something in the translation along that affectionless road; your self worth is, well, worthless. It can change, sure, but you've got to do something shocking to snap the guy out of it. I whined and pouted for seven years to have a relationship other than just being a friend with my wife. You sound a lot like me, except I'm a man. I was on my way out the door, maybe the marriage, back in January. Up until that point, over the past seven years, I don't think my wife understood the importance of the situation. When I was on my way out, she realized it soon afterward. Hell, she didn't show any emotion when I was yelling, shaking. It further cemented that she didn't love me nor that she cared about us. I felt like she didn't love me at all. I never considered divorce as a viable option, but as I mentioned in another thread I think it is an option, and could possibly be exercised if the need arises. It's selfish for a spouse to withhold affection. Some people equate it to an affair (not that I do, per se). The effects can be similar though. What are YOU prepared to do about it?


I never could have seen myself as someone to consider divorce, but this has me so depressed that it doesn't feel like a life. Our children are very young though and I can't imagine not staying together for their sake


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## thelonelywife (Apr 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Honey, he knows it in his head, but hasn't taken it to heart. IDK, this may be one of those rare times when I would speak up and say "Hey, this is how I'm feeling about the lack of intimacy. It's something I NEED. ANd I NEED it from YOU. Because I am not getting it from you, I have begun to wonder what it would be like with someone who DOES return the affection/feelings." Unfortunately, even THAT has the potential to come back and bite you on the ass too.


I've had that conversation with him. He says he's sorry and things will change, things go well for a week or so and he puts in some effort, then things fall back into the "roomate/best friends/co parent" routine until I bring it up again.


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## thelonelywife (Apr 13, 2013)

Interlocutor said:


> It's his job and yours to fix things, not just yours...
> 
> But since he is not the one posting...
> 
> ...


I am OCD about certain things. I keep the house very clean, don't wear shoes in the house because we have small children, e tc. But beyond expecting him to wash his hands after doing something dirty before touching the kids, or to take his shoes off at the door, I don't ask much of him OCD wise. I don't flick lights or anything like that. I'm sure he would say I cause him grief though.

Our sex situation has always been pretty bad, though worse in recent years, so to answer the sex when happy thing, even when things were "great" and we were "on top of the world, young carefree etc" we weren't having sex more than once or at best twice a month on a GREAT month, always at my instigation.

We've had a rough couple of years that if this were the start of our sexual problems I would say okay it's because this happened, but I've always had to beg him for affection. I hate it because it makes me resent him, and wish I'd married someone else. I feel so trapped. He's a really wonderful person, he IS my best friend, but I need more than that. I feel incomplete and so so alone.


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## HeartWontHeal (Apr 8, 2013)

Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. I hope you get my message loud and clear because it will save you and your family from a lot of heart ache. I am also in a sexless marriage and its my husbands choice. Around year 13 of no sex or intimacy I had an affair and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Yes it felt good to be desired and wanted but two years after the affair was over I am still dealing with a broken heart.

My advice is to make a choice to either find a way to deal with the way it is or make a change. You deserve to be happy.


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