# So frustrated by wife's ongoing insecurity



## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

My wife & I have been married for 4 and a half years. We have 2 kids, a 3 year old and 1 year old, and she is a stay at home mom. Things are not great between us at the moment, although we are committed to each other and both want things to be better. 

I know the things that I do that upset my wife, and I've made efforts to improve. One of our major issues is that my wife is extremely insecure. As a result, one bad reaction from me can turn into a huge fight. I know this and I make efforts to laugh at her jokes, even the ones I've heard a million times, or act interested in everything she tells me, even when I am just tired or don't feel well. Of course, as a spouse you should always do this but you also have to have your off moments. I feel like I never get to be "off". I feel tremendous pressure and it ultimately just winds up back firing. 

We are so disconnected right now. On a good night, we'll maybe sit and watch tv together and be somewhat relaxed with each other. More often, I watch tv alone and she sits at her computer alone. We have maybe been intimate with each other once in the last year. I love her and I just want her to be happy, and I spend so much time thinking about what I can do to help that happen and trying to make that happen. But, I don't think my wife makes efforts to improve herself. Everything else seems to be someone else's fault. For example, regarding our sex lives, I'm sure if I or someone else were to ask her why we never have sex, she would say it was because I don't find her attractive anymore. But she has never once initiated any kind of intimacy between us in the last year. She has never once asked me about it. But it will be because of me that we haven't done it. Very frustrating. 

Not looking for answers, just looking to vent, I guess. I'm new here.


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## njp001 (Oct 13, 2009)

My wife sounds a lot like this, every day it's something new that irritates her. She stays home with our 3 kids, ages 7, 4 and 2. She spends so much time at the computer and then gets nothing else done. She knows all of her faults but never takes responsibility for them. It’s always my fault she did not get some thing done. Most nights she is very short with the kids. Claims I would be the same if I stayed home all day. Now she’s in a feud with my parents. Do you and your wife have a good relationship with your parents?


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## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

No issues with either of our parents; one interesting thing you mentioned related to your wife being irritated--my wife has so much anger it is almost frightening at times. Irritated is a good way to describe it. She has struggled with depression for many years and I know that is causing a lot of her behavior. I'm completely sympathetic to her and want things to get better; but it is also just so exhausting and never ending. I try and be open minded and positive when I get home but I just her complaint after complaint, often about the most insignificant things. 

I know though that I can't change her, I can only change how I react to her and hopefully can help her by being more supportive. But it's hard to do.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

it sounds like she has issues of her own to work out. my wife was the same way before she statred talking to people online...(not a good idea some times, she talked to the wrong sort of people who took advantage of her insecurity and "made her feel special" don't let that happen if you can help it) try gently suggesting some counseling for the two of you, perhaps it would do good for you too, but the main goal is to try and get the counselor to see it for them selve and suggest private sessions to her... you most likely will not succeed in sugeting a counselor for her, but for both of you, that might work. besides, they may wind up suggesting private sessions for both of you, every one has room for improvment and there is always the possibility that you are doing some thing that your not aware of.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

oh and make sure to make her feel special.... before any one else can... THAT is important!!!


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

My husband tries to say that I am insecure, but I am fine with everyone else. He is the only one I CAN'T talk to. I can't talk to him because he never backs me up, and he twists everything I say. He is very demeaning in his tone. So, because I can't talk to him and tell him that I feel he is this way toward me he calls me insecure. When the fact is, I only feel I need to defend myself to him alone. I also am a Stay-At-Home Mom. I totally understand the demands of a SAHM, but I will agree that there is still no reason to be ugly to the kids. They are just kids. I have a 9 yo autistic son, an 8 yo gifted daughter, and a 5 yo son that is very bright himself. So, I have a full plate. When he comes home, I'd rather not hear him crab at me about something that is important to me, when I try to talk to him. I'd rather he back me up and support me. My husband claims he is making a counseling appt. He promised he would. We'll see! So, I guess my point is that not all women are insecure. It does hurt our feelings to be called that when we are really okay with others. It may be nothing more than simply communication problems.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

williamw said:


> I know though that I can't change her, I can only change how I react to her and hopefully can help her by being more supportive. But it's hard to do.


sorry, i just wanted to add... this IS the right way to view it, and i wish you the best


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## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

alaflybaby, that sounds exactly like my wife. Like, exactly. Good for me to hear it again. Her big frustration is when I don't take her side on things. As for counseling, we tried it once, I think it would have been a good thing to continue but we just couldn't find the time with the 2 kids. I'd love for her to do it on her own and have suggested but she's not interested. I'm considering it for myself.


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## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

hoping said:


> oh and make sure to make her feel special.... before any one else can... THAT is important!!!


I'm going to start doing that, much more deliberately and much more often. Thanks.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

So, when you say that sounds exactly like your wife, would you be calling me insecure? If you truly never stand up for her or back her up, or are continuously twisting her words, I'd say she may not be insecure. You just may seem to be not approachable to her. Like I said, I am fine with everyone else. If I were truly insecure, I'd have trouble with others as well. If you aren't ever on her side, I'm sure she feels alone.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

glad i you were able to take some thing from what i said. i hope it helps a little at least. and, just as alaflybaby said, not all women are that way.. you have to give her that, but, i hope that she will atleast give you the benefit of the doubt, not knowing the hole story and all that you are trying to fix things. that is why we are all here isn't it??? 

oh, and william, if you need to "start" doing it, then you have a lot to make up for... sorry to say, but i alwayys tried to make my wife feel special and still went thrugh whta you are now... differance is, you are smart enough to seek help, i didn't, it got worse... way worse.. good luck!!!!


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

damn.. i should have waited a minute longer.... alaflybaby is write, make a huge efort to let her KNOW you are on her side no matter what!!!!! it realy does matter that she KNOWS that!

sorry but it's true... and if you don't do it, you will both suffer for it


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

williamw, I will say that it impresses me that you are trying to fix things and are seeking advice. Many kudos to you for that. My husband wouldn't because he feels that I am the only one that needs to change and he has said so. When you've put up with physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, and feel abandonment because your spouse is never by your side to stand up for you you almost feel there's no hope for making things better. So, I wish you the best. I just ask that you also try to understand her. We women are VERY emotionally driven. She could have things that she needs to work through from before she even met you. You need to stand by her and support her. We women depend on you men to be that support for us, but we also (or half of us at least) feel the need to support our men. However, if we don't get that, then how can we give of ourselves??? I think it goes both ways. If you don't feel that you are getting that, I hate it for you, because all of us humans need that support. That is part of the reasons we find companions and marry them. Blessings to you!


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

Thanks hoping! My sentiments exactly!


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

That sounds just like how my H and I were a few years ago. The lack of communication was a big issue. I would tell him I was lonely but it fell on deaf ears. So you slowly drift apart and stop feeling anything for the other party. 
I would say make a date night even if it's just getting someone to watch the kids. You make dinner and rent a movie. Write her a love letter telling her all the things you love about her. Ask her to come sit with you and watch tv. Have dinner at the table and turn off the computer and the Tv. If my H and done any of those things I would have loved it. Even if he had run the vaccum or helped me with dishes. The little things mean a lot to me it doesn't have to be wine and roses. I love it when he walks up and wispers in my ear I love you. Let her know you think she's sexy it goes a long way. I wish you luck hopefully she will see that your trying and she'll come around.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

That's what I've been looking for Calypso!


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## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

alaflybaby said:


> So, when you say that sounds exactly like your wife, would you be calling me insecure? If you truly never stand up for her or back her up, or are continuously twisting her words, I'd say she may not be insecure. You just may seem to be not approachable to her. Like I said, I am fine with everyone else. If I were truly insecure, I'd have trouble with others as well. If you aren't ever on her side, I'm sure she feels alone.


That's where I think it gets tricky...I feel that I do stand up for her and back her up, regularly. But if one small instance comes along where she doesn't feel that way, then she jumps on it and it just supports her thinking that I don't support her. For example, when she feels that someone has done her wrong, I will sometimes try and make her feel better about the situation by explaining to her what the other person's motivation may have been. Maybe, for example, the person wasn't deliberately trying to hurt you, maybe they just did what they did for a logical reason. So in an effort to try & make her feel better about things, I'm not supporting her and then we are in a bad place. 

I think sometimes my wife just wants to feel like she is not supported by me or anyone. There is a comfort level in feeling that way. 

I do think my wife finds me unapproachable at times. I think I would find me unapproachable at times. Something I need to work on. 

I can't speak for you, of course, but there's no doubt my wife is insecure. I think our issue is that she & I disagree about how much of a problem it creates between us.


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## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

Calypso said:


> That sounds just like how my H and I were a few years ago. The lack of communication was a big issue. I would tell him I was lonely but it fell on deaf ears. So you slowly drift apart and stop feeling anything for the other party.
> I would say make a date night even if it's just getting someone to watch the kids. You make dinner and rent a movie. Write her a love letter telling her all the things you love about her. Ask her to come sit with you and watch tv. Have dinner at the table and turn off the computer and the Tv. If my H and done any of those things I would have loved it. Even if he had run the vaccum or helped me with dishes. The little things mean a lot to me it doesn't have to be wine and roses. I love it when he walks up and wispers in my ear I love you. Let her know you think she's sexy it goes a long way. I wish you luck hopefully she will see that your trying and she'll come around.


I'm not complaining or saying "woe is me" or anything, but of the things you suggested, I've done nearly all of them. We've done date nights...We've rented movies...I wrote her a list of 100 things I love about her...I always ask her to come sit and watch tv...

I have a ways to go and must never stop doing these things...but in my weak moments I sit back and think "when are you going to try & change? When are you going to make efforts to make things better between us by changing some aspects of who you are?". It's frustrating.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

williamw said:


> But, I don't think my wife makes efforts to improve herself. Everything else seems to be someone else's fault.


Sounds like a perfect description of my wife. So is the irritable part. So is the anger part. 

The fact that she has no awareness on her problem and resorts to blame it on someone else make it very unlikely to have any positive change.



williamw said:


> For example, when she feels that someone has done her wrong, I will sometimes try and make her feel better about the situation by explaining to her what the other person's motivation may have been. Maybe, for example, the person wasn't deliberately trying to hurt you, maybe they just did what they did for a logical reason. So in an effort to try & make her feel better about things, I'm not supporting her and then we are in a bad place.


Been there, a lot. No amount of support can overcome my wife's negativity. She will just sabotage any effort. At the end I will get blasted for trying to steer her away from the negative feeling.



williamw said:


> I have a ways to go and must never stop doing these things...but in my weak moments I sit back and think "when are you going to try & change? When are you going to make efforts to make things better between us by changing some aspects of who you are?". It's frustrating.


Isn't it fair to ask?


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

just hang in there william... it is going to be a long road, but, it sounds like you just need to prove your self to her (however long it takes) by supporting her. i don't think it matters even if she is wrong, or in the wrong (so long her stance is not too bad) you need to be her pillar, she wants you to be her pillar, she needs to know that when she nees to lean on you you will not waver, and when she needs to hide behind you, no one can harm her... in short she wants to feel safe, she wants to feel loved and respected.. and yes, she needs to know that in a crisis, she CAN approach you and you will be her ally not her foe, for the old metaphor does feel true at times, "if your not WITH ME, you are AGAINST ME"" let her know, prove to her, that you are with her...

and hang tough, love and faith and a whole lot of strength can see you through any thing.


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

It is tough to let another person in when you have built up a wall so high you can't see out anymore. I did it for a long time. So taking down that wall is a slow process. In time maybe she will open the door and let you in. Just hang in there she will see you are trying. Keep researching for new ways to get through to her. My H is really trying and lets me know how sorry he is for what he did. He keeps trying and lets me know it will be alright. Take it one day at a time for each day is a new day. Maybe tomorrow is the day she will finally see how much you care and love her. I wish you all the best.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Does she have other friends besides you? Does she talk to them on the phone or get to go out with them once and awhile? 

I know when I stayed at home with my kids, I was way more needy for my husband's attention than I am when I'm working. The reason I think is because when I'm working I have other people to tell me I did a great job or that my ideas are good and I'm witty and funny. I have other people to talk about current events with and things like that. But when I am at home with my kids day after day, my husband is the only adult whom I can have a real conversation with or get feedback from. 

I think most women need reassurance that they are doing the right things and are still sexy and intelligent, but I think SAHMs need it that much more because of their lack of social life.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

William, while I understand that you try to make her feel better by explaining what the other person's motives may have been, what it does is tell your wife that her perceptions of the situation are probably wrong since you don't first understand how she could feel the way she feels. It also suggests that she's not smart enough to have gone through the potential alternative explanations of the situation and arrived at this one erroneously.

Try listening and not judging whether she's right or wrong. Try just understanding how she feels. If you do that for a while, it may change her thoughts about how you support her or not.


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## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

themrs said:


> Does she have other friends besides you? Does she talk to them on the phone or get to go out with them once and awhile?
> 
> I know when I stayed at home with my kids, I was way more needy for my husband's attention than I am when I'm working. The reason I think is because when I'm working I have other people to tell me I did a great job or that my ideas are good and I'm witty and funny. I have other people to talk about current events with and things like that. But when I am at home with my kids day after day, my husband is the only adult whom I can have a real conversation with or get feedback from.
> 
> I think most women need reassurance that they are doing the right things and are still sexy and intelligent, but I think SAHMs need it that much more because of their lack of social life.


She says that often, that I am the first adult she gets to talk to all day when I get home. That's not exactly true as she does have friends she gets together with periodically, but some days it is true. 

I'd be fine with her wanting to have an adult conversation with me or getting feedback, etc. But everything is just so tense. The conversations often seem forced and I often feel like I'm one bad response away from hurting her. As I said earlier, it's a lot of pressure. 

I really appreciate everyone's responses, thank you!


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## williamw (Oct 14, 2009)

dobo said:


> William, while I understand that you try to make her feel better by explaining what the other person's motives may have been, what it does is tell your wife that her perceptions of the situation are probably wrong since you don't first understand how she could feel the way she feels. It also suggests that she's not smart enough to have gone through the potential alternative explanations of the situation and arrived at this one erroneously.
> 
> Try listening and not judging whether she's right or wrong. Try just understanding how she feels. If you do that for a while, it may change her thoughts about how you support her or not.


That's a very good point. But in my opinion, because of her insecurity, she's not able or willing to "go through the potential alternative explanations". It's almost as if she just wants to feel bad.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

william, reread what dobo wrote. i think you may have missed her meaning? 

you need to forget the "potential alternative explanations" and just be on her side. no one wants to feel hurt, honest.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

williamw said:


> But in my opinion, because of her insecurity, she's not able or willing to "go through the potential alternative explanations". It's almost as if she just wants to feel bad.


Consider your role in this, though. If what you are doing also makes her feel bad, how are you helping? Is it your role as her husband to make her see or acknowledge alternatives or is it your role as her husband to support her? Are you her parent, teacher or husband?

I know we're all some of each... well, except wives tend not to be husbands... but I digress... 

While we can serve a variety of functions, you have to ask yourself what it is that she needs *at that moment.* Surely later you can discuss things more broadly. But at the beginning, all she wants is to be heard and understood and to have her feelings acknowledged. Is she asking too much?

People need time to feel what they're feeling before they are ready to move on to different feelings or to feeling "better". They need a safe place to feel those feelings.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I thoroughly agree with Dobo. One of the things that really frustrates me about my husband is I can't ever tell him about something that's upsetting me without feeling like he tries to "one-up" me or feeling like he thinks I'm wrong for being upset. 

Specific examples: If I say I had a tough day at work he will automatically go into a whole story about how hard his day was at work. I feel like saying "shut up about yourself already!" Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and be sympathetic. 

Another example: I one time texted a male friend of mine that I hadn't talked to in quite a while simply asking how he was. His psychotic girlfriend texted me back with his phone calling me a sl*t and a wh*re, etc. etc. thinking I was trying to cheat with her boyfriend. I was really upset and told my husband about it and his response was "you knew he has a crazy girlfriend so you shouldn't have texted him." Why couldn't he just sympathize or even better, stand up for me. 

So if you're always trying to get your wife to "see other sides" of things, she's probably going to get very frustrated with you. It's NOT helping at all, even though to you it might feel like you're helping. Just LISTEN to her and try sympathizing.

All that being said, I'm not saying you are the problem at all. But if you don't start listening to her the way she wants to be listened to, things won't improve.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

williamw said:


> She says that often, that I am the first adult she gets to talk to all day when I get home. That's not exactly true as she does have friends she gets together with periodically, but some days it is true.
> 
> I'd be fine with her wanting to have an adult conversation with me or getting feedback, etc. But everything is just so tense. The conversations often seem forced and I often feel like I'm one bad response away from hurting her. As I said earlier, it's a lot of pressure.
> 
> I really appreciate everyone's responses, thank you!


I think that's because you guys already have a tense situation so now she's more insecure and you are less of a good listener. You're at a stalemate and someone has to be the one to make the first step towards change. Since it's obvious that you want change, it should be you. Try just listening to her talk and not responding. I mean make sounds and nod your head so that she knows she has your full attention, but if you don't have anything nice to say just don't say anything. Also look for something to compliment her on when you get home like how good dinner was or how clean the house is. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, just practice listening and giving sincere praise.


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## alaflybaby (Oct 14, 2009)

mae said:


> I thoroughly agree with Dobo. One of the things that really frustrates me about my husband is I can't ever tell him about something that's upsetting me without feeling like he tries to "one-up" me or feeling like he thinks I'm wrong for being upset.
> 
> Specific examples: If I say I had a tough day at work he will automatically go into a whole story about how hard his day was at work. I feel like saying "shut up about yourself already!" Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and be sympathetic.
> 
> ...


OH MY GOODNESS! You have just put into words what I have been trying to express in 11 years of marriage! You are SO RIGHT! Thank you for this post. You hit the nail on the head with this one. Sounds just like my marriage!:iagree:


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## independentgirl (Nov 14, 2014)

Bump this thread, don't know if the replies are helpful for me, but found it as I was searching "insecurity"
still reading the replies...


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