# Husband cheated on me with the nanny



## feelinghurt123

My husband of 16 years cheated on me with our nanny. We have two kids and the affair continued under my roof for 8-months. I sponsored her and treated her like my sister. I didn't even know this was happening right under my roof. He bought her gifts (Michael Kors watch, Flat screen TV, etc). It wasn't just physical, they went on dates together behind my back (movies, basketball game, etc.) The affair would have continued if he wouldn't have gotten caught. 

She is no longer working for us and he is really sorry and calls this a mistake. But, I'm not sure what to believe. I have two boys 10 years old and 5 yrs old). I'm thinking of separating and moving out with them. It is really hard for me to live in the same home with him (although I co-own the home).

We have tried individual and marriage counselling but it is not really working as I'm still very angry. 

I feel betrayed and disrespected...I still don't know if I can trust him.

Please share any advice as it is really hard for me but I'm worried about the impact separation will have on my children.


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## sokillme

I am very sorry for you. Under your roof with someone you trusted and knew makes it so much worse. First off let me tell you that you will get over this, even though it feels like you won't. I remember feeling like my life was over and I would never get over it. Thankfully I was wrong. Time really does heal, and you will have joy again. 

Now I think the best advice is to detach from your husband so you can make an unemotional choice. You don't have to make one now. The first thing you need to do is assess if he is really capable of having a faithful relationship. 8 months under the roof that you were living in at the same time is a pretty strong indicator that he is a poor choice. What kind of man is he really? His actions so far show him to be immoral. Can people change, yes there are a few here who have, however it takes a monumental effort where the person was wholeheartedly dedicated to doing the work. Usually there was deep shame as a motivator. The ones who kind just go through the motions usually repeat because the problem is really in their nature. It's not a mistake it's a defect. Pay attention to his actions not his words. So far it doesn't look good. Detaching takes the emotions out of your observations. It's less about yearning for him to change and more about giving him a chance. If he continues to cheat then for the benefit of your sons you should leave. No kid should grow up seeing their Mother abused repeatedly. I think everyone on here would agree with that. 

Saying he is sorry and made a mistake is just plain weak and he is going to need to work harder than that. What has he done besides that, is he in IC has he read any books? Don't do MC yet because until he fixes himself he is in no place to fix a marriage that he destroyed. 8 months is a hell of a long time. Also tell the Nanny service. Where were you when they going on these dates by the way? That's pretty brazen. How did you find out? You can't and shouldn't do this for him. He has to do it for himself. Real hard work. All consuming. 

I think it is also that you are going to have to accept that you won't get the marriage you once had back. So if he does finally get it and you do decide to stay together it will be in this new marriage with a different man then the one you thought you were married to before this happened. It will be a marriage that has this dark history in it. Unfortunately it doesn't really go away, you just get over it. If you detach I think you really grow to understand that. There will be some debate if that is worth it or not. There is pretty much an ongoing one on here. You also have to decide if the marriage with that kind of baggage and to a person who could do such a despicable thing is really worth it to you. Is the payoff worth it? How much did you love him for who you though he was? How important is trust for you in a marriage? Make no mistake you will never trust him the same. Now you will never trust anyone the same, but there is a difference in know someone may have the potential to do this and knowing someone did do this and to you. That is a big thing you will eventually have to decide for yourself. For some all of these things are too much to overcome. The rare person knows this right away but usually it's too soon for that though. You don't even really know how you will feel as right now you are not in a normal place you are operating out of shock. Again this is why you should try to detach before you decide to do anything. It is good for your healing. It will give you some strength. You want to make this decision from a point of strength not fear and weakness. That takes time. 

Finally I personally don't think staying for the kids is a good reason, not if the problems aren't really fixed. Remember your kids are watching, most of the time at least the older ones know there is something wrong. What are you teaching them by staying? Are you teaching them that cheating has no consequence, will they then one day grow up to allow themselves to be cheated on and continue in an abusive relationship, or even worse cheat? How will they feel when they find out one day (and they will) that you stayed for them? Will they feel guilty? I found out my father cheated from my Mom. I would hate to think that she stayed with my Dad (whom I love dearly and a very close to) because of me (I don't think there was a choice as he was pretty much gone at the point he cheated). I have read many a post from someone who stayed for the kids only be shocked when the kids instead of thanking them, upon learning the truth told them what a mistake it was. Telling them how growing up in a family without any love ended up being problematic. You don't want them to get the idea that this is what normal looks like, especially if your marriage is really only about being parents. You can do parenting together without being married. Staying just for the kids is is too much to put on a person. Besides we are not in the 1950s probably half the kids in your child's school come from a divorced family. There are generations of help and study on this that is available for them if they need it. What kids need are 2 involved parents, not necessarily married parent. Better 2 stable homes (or at least one) then one broken one. 

By the way I actually had a closer relationship to my father after he left. My Dad is a serial cheater, so I always say, he is a good father in his own way but a terrible husband. I look back at that time with him fondly now. I don't feel like I missed out on much I am probably closer to my parents then many of my friends. It was hard, but life is hard. 

Finally I remember how all consuming this stuff was for me. The feeling of total powerlessness. But that is because I didn't have hope, but thinking that is a lie. There is hope, you can take control of your life whatever you decide. Once you do you will start to heal. Then eventually one day the pain will be gone and you will have opportunities to have joy again. Trust me.


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## wilson

The younger the kids are, the better they will adapt. The 5-year-old will likely adjust to the new reality just fine. The 10-year-old is going to be in puberty soon, which makes it harder. But what will be bad for them is to grow up in a house where you are resentful towards your H. They will sense the tension no matter how well you try to hide it. If you can't truly recover, staying together will likely be worse than splitting up.

It's a big unknown if this marriage can be repaired. That was a huge violation of trust and demonstrates a significant moral character failing. How can such a person make the necessary changes? He had an 8 month affair in your house with someone 1/2(?) his age? He is that kind of person. What kind of epiphany does that sort of person need to have to be able to turn things around? I don't see how he truly can. I think he can put on a good show and pretend to act a certain way, but I think he's too flawed on the inside.


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## Evinrude58

I don't know what to say. Likely you may have to divorce because you many never heal from this, but I think the best thing is already suggested: move out and detach and make a final decision later.

I didn't see where you said the nanny was half his age. Was she? Was she attractive?

I think having a young, attractive woman that is put in a position of everyday interaction in a home environment with a man is a recipe for cheating for someone that is weak and of low character. Just not a good idea.

You tell us, was she young and attractive? Obviously this was a mutual attraction. You had no idea that your husband might be interested in her? Has your husband shown any tendencies for his eyes to wander?

Just curious. I think you are 100% in the right if you divorce him and what he did was unconscionable. Very sorry. He's an idiot, and will likely regret this shameful decision the rest of his life, as he should. One thing is for sure, it will likely haunt you every time you look at him. You are the only person that can determine if he's truly remorseful (I doubt it, because it would have continued if he hadn't gotten caught), or if it's something you could possibly forgive and put behind you.


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## Ghost Rider

sokillme said:


> I am very sorry for you. Under your roof with someone you trusted and knew makes it so much worse. First off let me tell you that you will get over this, even though it feels like you won't. I remember feeling like my life was over and I would never get over it. Thankfully I was wrong. Time really does heal, and you will have joy again.
> 
> Now I think the best advice is to detach from your husband so you can make an unemotional choice. You don't have to make one now. The first thing you need to do is assess if he is really capable of having a faithful relationship. 8 months under the roof that you were living in at the same time is a pretty strong indicator that he is a poor choice. What kind of man is he really? His actions so far show him to be immoral. Can people change, yes there are a few here who have, however it takes a monumental effort where the person was wholeheartedly dedicated to doing the work. Usually there was deep shame as a motivator. The ones who kind just go through the motions usually repeat because the problem is really in their nature. It's not a mistake it's a defect. Pay attention to his actions not his words. So far it doesn't look good. Detaching takes the emotions out of your observations. It's less about yearning for him to change and more about giving him a chance. If he continues to cheat then for the benefit of your sons you should leave. No kid should grow up seeing their Mother abused repeatedly. I think everyone on here would agree with that.
> 
> Saying he is sorry and made a mistake is just plain weak and he is going to need to work harder than that. What has he done besides that, is he in IC has he read any books? Don't do MC yet because until he fixes himself he is in no place to fix a marriage that he destroyed. 8 months is a hell of a long time. Also tell the Nanny service. Where were you when they going on these dates by the way? That's pretty brazen. How did you find out? You can't and shouldn't do this for him. He has to do it for himself. Real hard work. All consuming.
> 
> I think it is also that you are going to have to accept that you won't get the marriage you once had back. So if he does finally get it and you do decide to stay together it will be in this new marriage with a different man then the one you thought you were married to before this happened. It will be a marriage that has this dark history in it. Unfortunately it doesn't really go away, you just get over it. If you detach I think you really grow to understand that. There will be some debate if that is worth it or not. There is pretty much an ongoing one on here. You also have to decide if the marriage with that kind of baggage and to a person who could do such a despicable thing is really worth it to you. Is the payoff worth it? How much did you love him for who you though he was? How important is trust for you in a marriage? Make no mistake you will never trust him the same. Now you will never trust anyone the same, but there is a difference in know someone may have the potential to do this and knowing someone did do this and to you. That is a big thing you will eventually have to decide for yourself. For some all of these things are too much to overcome. The rare person knows this right away but usually it's too soon for that though. You don't even really know how you will feel as right now you are not in a normal place you are operating out of shock. Again this is why you should try to detach before you decide to do anything. It is good for your healing. It will give you some strength. You want to make this decision from a point of strength not fear and weakness. That takes time.
> 
> Finally I personally don't think staying for the kids is a good reason, not if the problems aren't really fixed. Remember your kids are watching, most of the time at least the older ones know there is something wrong. What are you teaching them by staying? Are you teaching them that cheating has no consequence, will they then one day grow up to allow themselves to be cheated on and continue in an abusive relationship, or even worse cheat? How will they feel when they find out one day (and they will) that you stayed for them? Will they feel guilty? I found out my father cheated from my Mom. I would hate to think that she stayed with my Dad (whom I love dearly and a very close to) because of me (I don't think there was a choice as he was pretty much gone at the point he cheated). I have read many a post from someone who stayed for the kids only be shocked when the kids instead of thanking them, upon learning the truth told them what a mistake it was. Telling them how growing up in a family without any love ended up being problematic. You don't want them to get the idea that this is what normal looks like, especially if your marriage is really only about being parents. You can do parenting together without being married. Staying just for the kids is is too much to put on a person. Besides we are not in the 1950s probably half the kids in your child's school come from a divorced family. There are generations of help and study on this that is available for them if they need it. What kids need are 2 involved parents, not necessarily married parent. Better 2 stable homes (or at least one) then one broken one.
> 
> By the way I actually had a closer relationship to my father after he left. My Dad is a serial cheater, so I always say, he is a good father in his own way but a terrible husband. I look back at that time with him fondly now. I don't feel like I missed out on much I am probably closer to my parents then many of my friends. It was hard, but life is hard.
> 
> Finally I remember how all consuming this stuff was for me. The feeling of total powerlessness. But that is because I didn't have hope, but thinking that is a lie. There is hope, you can take control of your life whatever you decide. Once you do you will start to heal. Then eventually one day the pain will be gone and you will have opportunities to have joy again. Trust me.


Thank you, this is exactly the type of nuanced and reasonable discussion I was looking for when I first signed in here six months ago, rather than the browbeating and shaming I actually took for having doubts and not yet knowing what to do while I was still in a state of shock and depression (that still comes back to me sometimes) after finding out. Even though it was directed toward someone else, it is refreshing. I hope it continues.


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## Diana7

I am not sure why you have to leave, why cant he leave? An 8 month affair in you own house isn't a 'mistake'. He made that decision time and time again to do what he did, and right under you nose. No wonder you cant trust him, he has shown you that he cant be trusted and that he has no moral values.


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## Mizzbak

feelinghurt,
I am very sorry that you are here. How long has it been since you found out? I think that the first few months, when the reality of what has happened and the implications really start to penetrate, are the worst. After that, it isn't that the pain necessarily goes away, it's just that you now know that you've felt the worst that it can get. That there are no more surprises or further realisations to come.

Your feelings - of anger and not knowing whether you can trust your husband again, are completely normal and likely to stay that way for a long while yet. I think that I agree with @sokillme on this - that after betrayal, our understanding of what trust is shifts. For me, trust has become something more subtle - it now has shades and context. I am around 18 months from my D-Day. I chose reconciling with my husband (and there are few of us on this forum - @drifting on ). There are also some here on TAM who argue that you should never trust a cheater again. Whilst I can respect their perspective, I think that each of us have to make this very difficult decision for ourselves. In our own particular situation. And in our own time.

Which brings me to the deciding. Whilst I agree that staying "just for the kids" isn't usually a good enough reason, divorce obviously has far-reaching consequences. Much of the advice that I read was to wait (6 months to a year) until you are no longer making the decision only from a position of pain and anger. As I said, the emotions don't go away, but I found that I was able to be a lot more objective about the "value" of my marriage to both my kids and me, once some time (and IC) had passed. 

The pressure to DECIDE can become so all-consuming and immense. I started to feel that by just by deciding, I might miraculously escape further pain. And initially, the choice was so binary - to divorce or not to divorce. The realisation that I had a third option - choosing to TRY and reconcile - was very helpful to me. It was not a promise or a guarantee that I was able or even willing to reconcile. It simply became about me being willing to try. To explore the possibility. And I made sure that my husband understood that. There are those that would call this a kind of limbo or escape. I prefer to think of it as a time of meditation and reflection. (Making decisions in the white heat of anger, pain and bitterness has never worked out for me.) I would caution against prioritising emotional detachment during this time, if you truly want to explore the possibility of reconciliation. Prioritising working on your own emotional healing and resilience, yes. But reconciliation requires the sharing of pain and hope - and that cannot be achieved in an emotionally detached environment. 

For the record, I agree that if you cannot see your way through this pain and betrayal, then you are well within your rights to divorce your husband. What he did to you was a horrible, selfish, deceitful thing. I also agree that your husband should demonstrate that he is worthy of the sacrifice and gift you would give him, if you choose reconciliation. And saying that he made a "mistake" understates things quite considerably. Frankly though, there is nothing that your husband could say that would sound acceptable to you (or any of us). Trust can grow when we watch the person who hurt us work at confronting and understanding the fundamental weakness that allowed them to hurt us. Trust can grow when the person who hurt us shows true regret and remorse.


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## Evinrude58

Mizzbak said:


> feelinghurt,
> I am very sorry that you are here. How long has it been since you found out? I think that the first few months, when the reality of what has happened and the implications really start to penetrate, are the worst. After that, it isn't that the pain necessarily goes away, it's just that you now know that you've felt the worst that it can get. That there are no more surprises or further realisations to come.
> 
> Your feelings - of anger and not knowing whether you can trust your husband again, are completely normal and likely to stay that way for a long while yet. I think that I agree with @sokillme on this - that after betrayal, our understanding of what trust is shifts. For me, trust has become something more subtle - it now has shades and context. I am around 18 months from my D-Day. I chose reconciling with my husband (and there are few of us on this forum - @drifting on ). There are also some here on TAM who argue that you should never trust a cheater again. Whilst I can respect their perspective, I think that each of us have to make this very difficult decision for ourselves. In our own particular situation. And in our own time.
> 
> Which brings me to the deciding. Whilst I agree that staying "just for the kids" isn't usually a good enough reason, divorce obviously has far-reaching consequences. Much of the advice that I read was to wait (6 months to a year) until you are no longer making the decision only from a position of pain and anger. As I said, the emotions don't go away, but I found that I was able to be a lot more objective about the "value" of my marriage to both my kids and me, once some time (and IC) had passed.
> 
> The pressure to DECIDE can become so all-consuming and immense. I started to feel that by just by deciding, I might miraculously escape further pain. And initially, the choice was so binary - to divorce or not to divorce. The realisation that I had a third option - choosing to TRY and reconcile - was very helpful to me. It was not a promise or a guarantee that I was able or even willing to reconcile. It simply became about me being willing to try. To explore the possibility. And I made sure that my husband understood that. There are those that would call this a kind of limbo or escape. I prefer to think of it as a time of meditation and reflection. (Making decisions in the white heat of anger, pain and bitterness has never worked out for me.) I would caution against prioritising emotional detachment during this time, if you truly want to explore the possibility of reconciliation. Prioritising working on your own emotional healing and resilience, yes. But reconciliation requires the sharing of pain and hope - and that cannot be achieved in an emotionally detached environment.
> 
> For the record, I agree that if you cannot see your way through this pain and betrayal, then you are well within your rights to divorce your husband. What he did to you was a horrible, selfish, deceitful thing. I also agree that your husband should demonstrate that he is worthy of the sacrifice and gift you would give him, if you choose reconciliation. And saying that he made a "mistake" understates things quite considerably. Frankly though, there is nothing that your husband could say that would sound acceptable to you (or any of us). Trust can grow when we watch the person who hurt us work at confronting and understanding the fundamental weakness that allowed them to hurt us. Trust can grow when the person who hurt us shows true regret and remorse.


too profound to ignore. I couldn't like this enough. 

I suspect your biggest obstacle was that it went on so long, and that it was still going on. YOU had to stop it. He was clearly addicted to this woman.


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## sokillme

Ghost Rider said:


> Thank you, this is exactly the type of nuanced and reasonable discussion I was looking for when I first signed in here six months ago, rather than the browbeating and shaming I actually took for having doubts and not yet knowing what to do while I was still in a state of shock and depression (that still comes back to me sometimes) after finding out. Even though it was directed toward someone else, it is refreshing. I hope it continues.


Give me time. :smile2: I am sure some on here just spit out their coffee. 

Truth is I would be one of the ones who mostly argues for moving on. But really that is going to be up to you, however if you are being abused then you must move on. Also I hope you get to a place where you are not motivated by fear. I find those the saddest. 

By the way I argue for leaving because I have read so many posts were the WS ends up doing it again years later.

Anyway I think in your case it's way to soon to even discuss that. Right now you should try to get over your trauma.


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## sokillme

Evinrude58 said:


> too profound to ignore. I couldn't like this enough.
> 
> I suspect your biggest obstacle was that it went on so long, and that it was still going on. YOU had to stop it. He was clearly addicted to this woman.


The length to me has very little to do with it in my mind. Does this guy have BPD? Is he a narcissist? Not everyone would be able to do something so heinous. Nothing he says can be trusted right now. They should be treated like they are dangerous at first because they are. They're dangerous to your life and emotional well being. Again he needs to prove he is sorry with life changing work.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

feelinghurt123 said:


> My husband of 16 years cheated on me with our nanny. We have two kids and the affair continued under my roof for 8-months. I sponsored her and treated her like my sister. I didn't even know this was happening right under my roof. He bought her gifts (Michael Kors watch, Flat screen TV, etc). It wasn't just physical, they went on dates together behind my back (movies, basketball game, etc.) The affair would have continued if he wouldn't have gotten caught.
> 
> She is no longer working for us and he is really sorry and calls this a mistake. But, I'm not sure what to believe. I have two boys 10 years old and 5 yrs old). I'm thinking of separating and moving out with them. It is really hard for me to live in the same home with him (although I co-own the home).
> 
> We have tried individual and marriage counselling but it is not really working as I'm still very angry.
> 
> I feel betrayed and disrespected...I still don't know if I can trust him.
> 
> Please share any advice as it is really hard for me but I'm worried about the impact separation will have on my children.


Tell him he disgusts you and you are not sure that you want to reconcile. Tell him he should move, not you. If he refuses to move he values the house more than the marriage and the children and that is all you need to know. Then tell him you are filing for divorce and will live under the same roof with him until the divorce is final and the house is sold. However if he moves you will give him a chance to prove to you why you should consider reconciliation. Remind him not moving means divorce and moving there is a real chance however slim that you will accept reconciliation. Don't get his hopes too up. Your anger will remain for a long time. 

The kids will be fine with a separation/divorce if done with a civil attitude between parents. However they will react in a negative way to watching Mom resent Dad or Dad resenting Mom for not forgiving him. Kids see everything. They always know more than you think they know.


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## sokillme

One thing I realized I left out of my advice. You should go see a lawyer just to get an idea what you are facing if you divorce.


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## 3Xnocharm

I would suggest if you decide you need separation, that you tell HIM to leave. To me, the cheater should ALWAYS be the one to leave. 

You cannot have a successful reconciliation without deep remorse on his part. He should be on his knees begging and crying for your forgiveness. He needs complete NO CONTACT with that woman. He also needs 100% transparency with you, you need open access to all social media accounts, his email, his phone including all the apps. He should be willing to let you track him via his phone or GPS. Also counseling is a must, and he should be willing to submit to a polygraph if you request it. If he does not agree willingly to all of this, then you have zero chance of successful R.


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## GuyInColorado

Gavin cheated on Gwen with their nanny. Gwen kicked him to the curb and hooked up with Blake. It worked out for her! I'd do what Gwen did.


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## sokillme

3Xnocharm said:


> I would suggest if you decide you need separation, that you tell HIM to leave. To me, the cheater should ALWAYS be the one to leave.
> 
> You cannot have a successful reconciliation without deep remorse on his part. He should be on his knees begging and crying for your forgiveness. He needs complete NO CONTACT with that woman. He also needs 100% transparency with you, you need open access to all social media accounts, his email, his phone including all the apps. He should be willing to let you track him via his phone or GPS. Also counseling is a must, and he should be willing to submit to a polygraph if you request it. If he does not agree willingly to all of this, then you have zero chance of successful R.


My feeling is change comes with shame even more so then remorse. To me shame means that you get it. I don't mean a lifetime of debilitating shame (which in my mind is more self serving then anything else) but I mean the kind of shame with you understand that what you did was not just making a mistake but was permanently damaging another human being (One who you promised to take care of and who loves you). The kind of shame that makes you change your life to make it your mission to do better. Someone on another board just posted today that it's like a DUI. How do you respond, do you hit and run, or do you stop and call an ambulance and try to make amends. 

Some my see it differently but there is no doubt in my mind that cheating is like emotional rape. I have read more then one opinion by people who were raped who say it is worse, if only because the person is supposed to be the one who protects your heart. Not all agree but some saying that is enough for me to say it is at least close. If you get that yes that is what you did, it's that bad. And then you do everything in your power to fix it, then yes maybe you can survive assuming your BS has the stuff in them to accept the new situation. Most WS don't have that in them though. A person who is defective enough to cheat, in the home of his wife an children, with the young women who is taking care of his children, probably doesn't have the emotional character to come to terms with this. In a sense the fact that they could do it means they probably are not going to be able to fix themselves. It's precisely the character that is missing that is now needed most. 

If he doesn't do this then unfortunately OP if you stay you probably are going to have a very hard life. From all the reading I have done, the marriages where the WS kind of goes through the motions are pretty much dead. How could they not be? I am sorry if that is painful (and maybe I am wrong in your case) but in my mind better to go through the pain then live in it. At least that is how I see it. Better to face you fears and see if they are unfounded, especially if there is a better life out there for you. There are good men still in the world. The one thing you can't get back in life is time. 

Again change means a lifetime of work.


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## aine

feelinghurt123 said:


> My husband of 16 years cheated on me with our nanny. We have two kids and the affair continued under my roof for 8-months. I sponsored her and treated her like my sister. I didn't even know this was happening right under my roof. He bought her gifts (Michael Kors watch, Flat screen TV, etc). It wasn't just physical, they went on dates together behind my back (movies, basketball game, etc.) The affair would have continued if he wouldn't have gotten caught.
> 
> She is no longer working for us and he is really sorry and calls this a mistake. But, I'm not sure what to believe. I have two boys 10 years old and 5 yrs old). I'm thinking of separating and moving out with them. It is really hard for me to live in the same home with him (although I co-own the home).
> 
> We have tried individual and marriage counselling but it is not really working as I'm still very angry.
> 
> I feel betrayed and disrespected...I still don't know if I can trust him.
> 
> Please share any advice as it is really hard for me but I'm worried about the impact separation will have on my children.



I live in a country where there are many in house maids, nannies, etc, This happens often. I know this must be devastating because not only the betrayal but the fact it was in your own home where you live with your kids. A one night stand is one thing but an 8th month affair right under your nose another. To top it all off he was buying her gifts so it just wasn't sex. I would say you ask him to move out and separate. It would give you a chance to work through your anger and go see an IC, forget about him and the marriage for the moment. Of course you are on a roller coaster now, him being there doesn't help, even being in the same house. You should see a lawyer to see what your options are also.

Your WH needs to feel the full brunt of what he did. A one night stand might be a mistake but 8 months, come on, that is totally premeditated, he knew exactly what he was doing. I think there is no rescuing your marriage or coming back from this and frankly you deserve so much more.


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## Satya

So who was taking care of the kids when they went out on "dates?"


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## Satya

Did I kill the thread?


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## penny james

feelinghurt123 said:


> My husband of 16 years cheated on me with our nanny. We have two kids and the affair continued under my roof for 8-months. I sponsored her and treated her like my sister. I didn't even know this was happening right under my roof. He bought her gifts (Michael Kors watch, Flat screen TV, etc). It wasn't just physical, they went on dates together behind my back (movies, basketball game, etc.) The affair would have continued if he wouldn't have gotten caught.
> 
> She is no longer working for us and he is really sorry and calls this a mistake. But, I'm not sure what to believe. I have two boys 10 years old and 5 yrs old). I'm thinking of separating and moving out with them. It is really hard for me to live in the same home with him (although I co-own the home).
> 
> We have tried individual and marriage counselling but it is not really working as I'm still very angry.
> 
> I feel betrayed and disrespected...I still don't know if I can trust him.
> 
> Please share any advice as it is really hard for me but I'm worried about the impact separation will have on my children.


Hi can we talk please


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## penny james

You should leave him


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## VermiciousKnid

I always advise women not to hire even remotely attractive nannies. Hire old and fat nannies.


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## Diana7

IF its your home as well, and he cheated, then can you ask him to move out?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

feelinghurt123 said:


> My husband of 16 years cheated on me with our nanny. We have two kids and the affair continued under my roof for 8-months. I sponsored her and treated her like my sister. I didn't even know this was happening right under my roof. He bought her gifts (Michael Kors watch, Flat screen TV, etc). It wasn't just physical, they went on dates together behind my back (movies, basketball game, etc.) The affair would have continued if he wouldn't have gotten caught.
> 
> She is no longer working for us and *he is really sorry and calls this a mistake*. But, I'm not sure what to believe. I have two boys 10 years old and 5 yrs old). I'm thinking of separating and moving out with them. It is really hard for me to live in the same home with him (although I co-own the home).
> 
> We have tried individual and marriage counselling but it is not really working as I'm still very angry.
> 
> I feel betrayed and disrespected...I still don't know if I can trust him.
> 
> Please share any advice as it is really hard for me but I'm worried about the impact separation will have on my children.


The first thing you have to do is align your thinking with reality.

1. He is only "sorry" because he got caught, so this "sorry" is entirely meaningless and should play no part whatsoever in your assessment of the situation. 

2. Accidentally picking up a six pack of Bud when you meant to get Bud Light is a mistake. An 8 month affair comprised of a continual stream of deliberate, conscious choices, each and every one of which was made with free will and in full knowledge of its disrespectful, selfish, moral baseness... is NOT a mistake. 

The magnitude of the turnaround required here is mind boggling and well beyond the reach of most people, especially those who have demonstrated the lack of moral character your husband has.


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## NickyT

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

To have an affair with someone so close to you and the rest of the family, and to have it under your own roof....I do not know how you would come back from that. He says it was a mistake. That's like saying it drizzled during Hurricane Katrina.

The impact on your children will be worse living with this tension in the house. Let's be honest, it is not going away.

Full disclosure: I reconciled after an affair. I rarely recommend it. I had been married 20 years at the time. You are young, you have your kids. I don't recommend it in your situation due to the depth of the betrayal. If years from now you find one another again - great. For now, you need to make your own life as this man can not be trusted to build a life with you. JMO.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt

@feelinghurt123 How are you doing?

Please remember, we are here for you.


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## penny james

Hi you should leave him


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## penny james

Pack your suitcases and leave him take your wedding ring of and throw it at him before you leave him


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

penny james said:


> Pack your suitcases and leave him take your wedding ring of and throw it at him before you leave him


Better yet, hock the ring, keep the $, and throw the receipt at him.


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## messenger

AM sorry sister, I pray that God may give you strength to overcome this painful moment ,i pray that you may find strength to pray or guidance from the Lord Jesus and heal from the bitterness, may it not lead you to sin. God Bless you and your kids


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