# Quote of the Day Re: My Wife's EA



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

So a while back I dumped my FB page. getting on there and seeing my stbxw still in contact with those whom I have deemed the "enemy", the "destroyers of my marriage" (well along with my wife, but if this guy, and guys, were of any character at all, they wouldnt be hitting on and chatting up a married women), but she insists on keeping contact with them as they have always been friends, regularly chats with them, regularly texts and quite possibly still sees them. Even though all this has happened, we are divorcing, I guess one has to have loyalties, right?
I could spend hours typing the ways I was there as a husband and a father and a friend in her times of need, and these people were not, yet it matters nothing to her. It is as if I were an abusive assss, whose requests for self control on her part were seen as controlling and overbearing. HA. Grow up child. 

She wants to be friends with me too, and since we have a kid together I imagine there will need to be some measure of civility. However, "friendship" is not what I had in mind.
Yesterday I had a friend of hers (girl) contact me asking me if I deleted her as a friend, and in response let her know I got rid of my FB page to keep from seeing things that made me stumble and angry. (Cutesy posts between wife and her lovers OOPS I mean, her "friends".)
So the response I got from her lifelong girlfriend, of whom I had asked in the past to perhaps mention that this might be wrong to be involved with someone else while shes married, told me that "You were never one to embrace change, but you have to grab it by the horns".

Sometimes it amazes me how people who arent going thru something as life-changing as a divorce can find the least applicable and actually minimizing and trite things to say.

Not being happy about my wife having an affair, destroying our marriage, leaving our child in the wake of it all, and disrupting her life, has become reduced to my unwillingness to "embrace change".

Sometimes you cant listen to people. Their Fkin Stupid.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

It kind of blows to remember how I could never get her to see clearly about those guys. Worthless, useless men, who were out for one thing and one thing only, and she offers it up like a buffet.
And in hindsight, having such dire effects on our marriage to cause it to end, she could never see clear enough to think "gee, maybe these guys arent really friends" How someone such as myself could have spent the last sixteen years caring for her, seeing past issues of hers that were beyond normal, but clinging to hope that one day we'd have enough money to see a counselor and work some of the issues out, only for her to schedule another trip with the girls to New Orleans. 
No,, I will not delete these guys I had an emotional involvement with, they are still friends despite what happened, and YOU Mr. assshole husband controlling freak, will not take them away from me!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh gosh. I woulda written back "And you were never one to embrace any tact, but you've got to start somewhere." 

Stop worrying about your ex. THe person she was is gone now and a ghost. Block her and all of her friends from your page. Don't check up on her. It sets you back.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

So her A/C went out yesterday in her 06 vehicle. If you know TX you know its averaging over 102 degrees F every day for the last 20 days. 
This is the exact type of situation I have time and time again struggled so desperately with her to tone down the spending in order to build an emergency fund for just this kind of event.
But, that was controlling.
And meant that "I" had to do something or afford something about it. See how that snowballs?
See how it affects not just her comfort, but my finances, the future of my finances or hers, any immediate plans in our lives?
Time and time and time again we would find ourselves in that situation and you know what? I could NEVER get credit aside from a measly "thanks" for stepping up and and handling that business.

I havent done anything about her A/C yet. Its a leaky hose, and not something a shadetree mechanic can or is supposed to work on. Parts are expensive too, its illegal to mess with freon yourself, etc.
I was biting my tongue to keep from telling her to call up one of her "friends" and see where they stood on the matter.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh gosh. I woulda written back "And you were never one to embrace any tact, but you've got to start somewhere."
> 
> Stop worrying about your ex. THe person she was is gone now and a ghost. Block her and all of her friends from your page. Don't check up on her. It sets you back.


Giiiiiiiiirlllll,, you aint lying.
I am a glutton for punishment.
Something I am learning about myself. Why do I do it? I dont know. To find more instances of wrongdoing towards myself? For what reason? I have no idea. 
More stuff to keep in my box of tissues?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are YOU a glutton for punishment? 
You have zero control over the stupid things people say. Why are you ascribing fault to yourself??? She is the one who made the dumb comment. 

STOP following up with your wife and frends online. 

Tell her to get her own a/c fixed. 
STBX "My A/C's broken."
You: "That's too bad. You should call a repairman before it gets worse."


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think I have a "superman" complex. Mr. Fix It. Mr. do whatever he can at any consequence to himself to handle business. Stand up against injustice, especially if its towards me. 
But I have taken that too far. Its as if I am trying to prove myself , to myself.
I have a background that taught me that part of loving someone was caring for them. I realize that its a moot point now, since the divorce is two weeks away, but I guess I am a self defined doormat? Or is it someone just trying to maintain a sense of value to himself? I dont know if I define myself by what I value, and know that one of the things I value is a good man who takes care and helps others. Reliability, loyalty. I know it is misplaced at this point of time when dealing with my stbxw, and so her A/C issue is up to her own self to deal with. 
I think perhaps I have a hard time cutting the line between caring for others versus martyring myself.... if that makes sense.. 
Maybe its all a part of trying to find where I stand now in my own eyes and mind.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yes, there are many instances in my life that I am being taken advantage of due to my willingness to help and be reliable.
Its one of the things I dont like about me, a lack of assertiveness.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop thinking of yourself as a "doormat." Change that way of thinking. 

It's honorable to be caring, have good values, be reliable and loyal. 

Start being assertive. That can be your 180. Learn when to say NO to people.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why are YOU a glutton for punishment?
> You have zero control over the stupid things people say. Why are you ascribing fault to yourself??? She is the one who made the dumb comment.
> 
> STOP following up with your wife and frends online.
> ...


Those were my thoughts Jelly. Say man that sucks, its entirely to hot to be with out A/C. Good luck with that. Did you ask so and wk? Her car, her problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah, part of me was sort of thinking about how at some time in the future, being in the position of not being able to financially handle emergencies is going to be a thing of the past.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

IF she's you're STBXW, then the broken AC and her issues are no longer something she should be talking to you about. It's too bad she's got problems. They are her problems and she is the one who chose to end the marriage and the support if gave her.

I don't understand why you didn't just her, that's it's not your problem, but that you would make sure the kid could ride in your car while she worries about fixing her AC. You're job is to ensure the comfort and safety of your kid. She can suffer.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Yes, there are many instances in my life that I am being taken advantage of due to my willingness to help and be reliable.
> Its one of the things I dont like about me, a lack of assertiveness.



Shoo,

Its hard to see people for who they are sometimes. Especially if its someone you love and wanted to have a future with. 

It _seems_ like you are still holding out hope that she will come to her senses and reconcile with you. There is nothing wrong with that...my wife and I reconciled inside the actual courtroom...then went for coffee....crazy...I know.


At some point she might grow up and understand that she is acting like a child. 


Best wishes,

GM


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah RWB I relate, my DW doesn't seem to realize yet that it was mostly my financial, emotional, and child raising contributions that even enabled her to have all that freedom to herself in the first place, and she squandered it all spoiling herself, treating herself and inevitably screwing OM(en). Yet in her words, when she was so convinced she wasn't "in love" with me she argued that my only contributions were a good income and that I was good at shopping for electronics.

I have finally begun to separate her lies from my truth, and realize I was giving so much more than that even though I was broken down and on empty for so long. So separating has been like a big leak in my energy flow getting plugged, will take awhile to fill up my tank again. I am very resentful that now my family is divided and conquered that I will still be the one paying child support, possibly even spousal support simply because it prevents her from really being able to understand the responsibility of being a provider, and that she will probably always benefit from my provisions even though we no longer have love for each other. At least now for the most part she will have some financial obligations that she is solely responsible for, and once the agreements are in place I will have control over my finances (and thus my life) back.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

To me, the fact that her A/C broke in 102 degree heat is nothing more than poetic irony. It's not your problem (anymore). Let her roast. 

Fix the things that are worth fixing.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah it's funny what they say. The last time my wife and I really got into a heat discussion about thing I brought up how back last Nov and Dec she had some emergecy medical things happen and how I was there the whole time. Her family and friends never called, visited or offered to help with out kids. When I pointed it all out all I got was "your suppossed to do that, your my husband".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Shoo - have you considered that having the AC go out when it's 102 is maybe god giving her as taste of what's to come in her future?


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Wish her the best of luck with the air conditioner and that you hope she finds someone to help her with that. LOL


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