# My next step?



## Iamalright (Sep 26, 2015)

There is no trust in my marriage. My H has been unfaithful from the moment I met him. I saw the warning signs, but against my better judgement, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He begged me to stay the first time I accused him of cheating. Technically, he hadn't been in a physical relationship with anyone (that I knew of), but he was still communicating with his ex while we were dating. He told me that he was faithful and that I didn't have anything to worry about. I chose to believe him. We’ve been together for almost 17 years now, married for 16, but there has been no trust in our relationship since that first betrayal. He lies to my face; however, there is never any physical evidence so I come out looking crazy and insecure. With the help of social media he managed multiple sights, passwords, and tweaks to cover his tracks. Last year I found sexual paraphernalia from OW he'd met both locally and online. I was ready to sign divorce papers that day, but against my better judgement, I gave him another chance. After 17 years of emotional and mental abuse you’d think I’d know better than to trust him.


He has been acquitted, but was charged with rape in a military court. Initially, he lied to me about the charges. He told me that members of his unit were being charged with stealing and that others in the unit, including him, were being investigated for the same thing. A few weeks before I’d asked him to leave the house. I’d had finally had enough. He told me that he wasn't going anywhere until his trial was over. I couldn't accept this. I had had enough and wanted him out. He was lying, cheating, and sneaking around, but without proof I was just “crazy”. He’d come and go as he pleased as if I were just his housemaid and nanny and his text records were over 30 pages long. I could't keep accusing him without solid proof, so I decided to do some research. I found that he was talking and texting over 30 different W. Co-workers, random women he’d found over social media, and EG. One of the OW he'd text everyday, from the time he woke up in the morning, into the early morning hours. The times he drove to and from work, while working, after work, and while at home with his family. Most of the time while his children and I were sitting in the same room. His phone was always glued to his hip and was always locked, he’d quickly shut his computer whenever I entered the house (or the room), and he’d lock his phone screen or put it down whenever I entered the room. I also noticed how he’d turn his body away at an angle while texting so that I couldn't see what he was doing. Most of this going on while I sat in the same room.

The only concrete evidence I had was how he treated me. It came to a point where all I felt was hatred, so I went forward with my plans for separation. I had the agreement all typed up. We went to mediation and I was ready to begin my journey to divorce. I was also in counseling and my counselor thought that it was unfair of him to keep me in the dark about what was going on with his trial. The only reason I found the truth was because my counselor contacted his commanding officer and told him about what was going on with him at home. I was so embarrassed. I, a grown woman, needed the help of another adult to get the answers my “H” was too afraid to admit. He finally came clean though. He cried. He did admit to seeking OW out and meeting some of them. He admitted that he’d been doing this as long as we'd been married. He also told me that despite all of that, he wasn’t guilty of the assault or sleeping with anyone. He convinced me to stay with him despite the past and what he’d been doing recently. He told me that he would delete everything and everyone from every social media outlet. In that moment I decided to give him another chance because I felt as though I would be a “bad wife” for leaving him at his lowest point. I also felt guilty. So I stayed. Now, a little over a year later, we're right back to the lack of trust. He insists that he has changed, some, and I do see a minor change. I've also acknowledged that. However, I still see the secrecy, strange behaviors, and questionable texts. Now, we also have to deal with the financial stress of no longer being a military family. One of the reasons we had to retire was because of his court-martial. Rather than apply for a local government position or a mid-range salary position, he decides (on his own) to accept a job in Texas working with a former service member. Despite not having any family or friends on this side of the map, I agree to move our five children cross-country. Now I'm being blamed for our money problems and being called lazy for not working. He complains when I spend money on essentials, but when I give him the list of errands to run, he tells me that he's working and that I “do nothing all day”, so its basically my job to do it. I left a government position to follow him to TX only to be belittled, attacked verbally, intimidated, and probably cheated on. I sent him the separation agreement this week. He wants me wait until he's ready to discuss the next step.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he was kicked out of the military.. that's a dishonorable discharge. So I doubt that he could get a government job anywhere. My bet is that the job he has is the only one he can get at this time.

You say that you sent him a separation agreement this week. That makes it sound like you are not living with him. Are you?

Can you get your old job back? If you can, why not do that and move back to where you came from? 

He does not have to agree to a separation agreement. You file it and the judge will grant it whether he wants it or not.

You need to stop giving into him. He's not someone you can trust. You know this in every fiber of your being. So to what you need to do. File and get it done with.

Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. This is how you should interact with him from here on out.. except take it further. Go much no-contact as you can. If he wants to discuss anything, tell him to send you an email. Do not talk to him in person if at all possible. When you get an email, wait as long as you can before responding so that you have time to think out a reply that is not emotional in any way. And only address the business of divorce and the children.

Why are you filing for separation instead of divorce?


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## Iamalright (Sep 26, 2015)

He could have gotten a government position to support his family. He had former service members willing to vouch for him. As for remaining on active duty, the service denied reenlistment for his conduct, I'm guessing. They approved his retirement pay and he was honorably discharged. Is seems that he's conveniently forgotten that I was there for him at his lowest point (and have always been there). He promised to change, but I'm not sure he can. Unfortunately, we are living under the same roof. I don't have the means to travel over 1400 miles to get back to the job I left. I have no job and no money to move out on my own. I gave him a separation agreement with the hope that he will move out while I wait for the 6 months residency requirement to file for divorce. The 180 is great advice, thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If he was kicked out of the military.. that's a dishonorable discharge. So I doubt that he could get a government job anywhere. My bet is that the job he has is the only one he can get at this time.
> 
> You say that you sent him a separation agreement this week. That makes it sound like you are not living with him. Are you?
> 
> ...


I lived in Texas and unless something has changed, Texas doesn't have have or file or record separation agreements. There's no teeth in a separation agreement even if you craft one. In the state where I currently live (neighboring Texas) there is also no legal separation UNLESS you are not a resident of the state for 6 months and you need the legal protection; the filing lays the groundwork for a divorce when the 6 month residency has been achieved. Have you seen a lawyer for a consultation?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You've given him more than enough chances. IMHO you should continue on the path of separation and see it through to divorce and moving on. The welfare of the five kids should be of prime concern now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OMG, you have given this WH far too many chances. File for divorce ASAP, make him pay for his kids and support you. 

Get a lawyer and find out what you are entitled to, you owe this man absolutely nothing, no support, no sympathy, no forgiveness, no nothing. Stand up for yourself and your kids, you have been a doormat long enough. 
Look for welfare organisations in your area that will help women in your situation, join a local church group. Do you have family who can help you move back to your original location? Can you get a government job in your current location to save up some money to do what you want?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TeddieG said:


> I lived in Texas and unless something has changed, Texas doesn't have have or file or record separation agreements. There's no teeth in a separation agreement even if you craft one. In the state where I currently live (neighboring Texas) there is also no legal separation UNLESS you are not a resident of the state for 6 months and you need the legal protection; the filing lays the groundwork for a divorce when the 6 month residency has been achieved. Have you seen a lawyer for a consultation?


Texas does not recognize legal separations and has no provisions for court actions regarding legal separations. It does allow for spouses to enter into a written agreement concerning the division of property and debt and payment of spousal support while a suit for dissolution is pending.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Texas does not recognize legal separations and has no provisions for court actions regarding legal separations. It does allow for spouses to enter into a written agreement concerning the division of property and debt and payment of spousal support while a suit for dissolution is pending.


*@EleGirl speaks the absolute truth about Texas and matters of separation between divorce litigants: you just can't do that here!! So why file for separation when what you fully need is D? 

Rid yourself of this unpalatable scourge! You certainly deserve someone far better and more trustworthy!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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