# Entire life was half a lie



## marlowebeach (Mar 24, 2011)

I'm new to the forums. Here's the story.

I'll be 34 in May, he'll be 36 in June. We started dating in college, when I was 19. We got married almost 9 years ago. I had a crappy childhood in one way, he had a crappy childhood in another. I needed someone to take care of me, he needed someone to take care of. 

After college (both of us) and grad school (for him), we came here. This place is Hell. It has nothing to offer at all, except that it's a great place for his line of work. I was content to follow him and let him make all the decisions. I don't know why, entirely. Partly because he always seemed to be sure of what he wanted and I never was, partly because I have no confidence in myself at all. He proposed after about six months here, and we got married. I had a few unimportant jobs while he built a career. Really, there is NOTHING here jobwise for me. Six years ago (3 years into the marriage), he had what I thought was an early midlife crisis centered around his 30th birthday. He decided he was unhappy, and that it was my fault. We went to some MC for six weeks or so, then separated. His idea. I was completely crushed. I quit my job and moved back to my parents' home several states away. After about two months, we reconciled on the condition that I "find something to pursue." 

I thought a lot and decided that I'd love to be a vet. Went back to school, started interning at a clinic. I did that for two years, until it became clear that I was never going to be able to get in. Without knowing it, I'd picked the hardest thing to pursue. It is statistically easier to get into Harvard undergrad than to get into an American vet school. This experience made my already minimal self-confidence even worse. I went into a depression that lasted almost a year. Eventually I picked myself up and found another piddly little job and went on. 

All this time, I'd felt loved and cared for and appreciated. We had wonderful holidays and fun vacations and generally a good time in the everyday. I've never known anyone as thoughtful and kind as my husband. Everyone likes him. He isn't just a fixer/caretaker with me, he's that way with everyone. 

About six weeks ago, I found out that he started seeing a psychiatrist on his own. I was worried. We started talking, and every time we talked more and more horrible stuff got revealed. Now he's saying he feels like something is missing in his life, that maybe it was always missing, that he never loved me the way a person should love a spouse, that all these years he's just been doing his best to do what he thought was expected of him, up to and including marrying me. I can't believe that could be true. No one is that good an actor. And why would a person do that? There are no children, there's no reason to live that way. 

He says he wants a divorce, but then he also says he wants to work it out. He thinks maybe another separation will fix it. I think that if I agree, I am not going to come back. It feels like jumping through hoops, trying to please him, proving something to him. I don't think he has any comprehension of the pain he's causing. I don't think he will ever apologize.

Of course, I don't want a life without him either. I think about killing myself all the time. Not so much over losing him, but over what it says about me. I've spent my entire adult life working at this, and he's saying I've failed. That just being married to me is enough to make a person miserable. That all the things I've always been afraid of are true: I'm not enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not interesting enough. That there's nothing about me worth having and never has been. And as for my future -- I chose this life, and him/us over everything else I might have done or been. And they say you should try to remember your pre-spouse dreams -- mine are dead. I don't want to get technical, but the industry I went to school for, trained in, etc doesn't hire 30-somethings with no experience. I closed those doors/burned those bridges a long time ago. So what is there? An apartment, a cat, a job at Walmart if I'm lucky, maybe a man 10 years older than myself if I'm really lucky? Not worth living for.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm sorry you are in a bad place right now about your life.

But your alternatives are much brighter than you think they are.

This marriage does not define your self worth. Your husband does not get to do that. Whatever things he is going through are his problem.

One thing that he is doing right is consulting with a psychiatrist.

Maybe you ought to do likewise. I think you could use some perspective and help defining your future.

If your husband is bent on divorce, you also need to protect yourself for the reasons you stated. You should consider finding a lawyer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> This marriage does not define your self worth. Your husband does not get to do that. Whatever things he is going through are his problem.
> 
> If your husband is bent on divorce, you also need to protect yourself for the reasons you stated. You should consider finding a lawyer.


GREAT post!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

marlowebeach said:


> Of course, I don't want a life without him either. I think about killing myself all the time. Not so much over losing him, but over what it says about me. I've spent my entire adult life working at this, and he's saying I've failed. That just being married to me is enough to make a person miserable. That all the things I've always been afraid of are true: I'm not enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not interesting enough. That there's nothing about me worth having and never has been. And as for my future -- I chose this life, and him/us over everything else I might have done or been. And they say you should try to remember your pre-spouse dreams -- mine are dead. I don't want to get technical, but the industry I went to school for, trained in, etc doesn't hire 30-somethings with no experience. I closed those doors/burned those bridges a long time ago. So what is there? An apartment, a cat, a job at Walmart if I'm lucky, maybe a man 10 years older than myself if I'm really lucky? Not worth living for.


Nobody defines you but yourself. You are going through an incredibly tough time right now, cut yourself some slack. You have got to take care of yourself. Do something just for you. 

Ok so vet school is out. Why not take a vet tech course? A friend of mine has a booming business petsitting & dogwalking. She couldnt get into vet school, worked as a bartender for years, started her business 2 years ago & is doing really well, and she is 37. YOU CAN DO IT!! Its all out there, you just have to reach for it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I read once that most people ultimately find careers doing jobs they never considered before. Keep in mind that as you look in from the outside, it looks like the choices are minimal. My degree is in Software Engineering, but my career is in a leadership role in automotive engine development. Believe it or not, I started as an hourly machinist, then a supervisor. Ever heard of an APQP engineer, or a certification specialist? Done them all.

You're obviously smart. I hope you can learn to see this with a wider view. You deserve the happiness after what you've sacrificed.

And don't just fear that you'll have to marry older. You have an interesting background, and it will stand out.

Through your thread, I can see the sacrificial tone, but I wouldn't be surprised if he one day realizes that it was his loss.


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## marlowebeach (Mar 24, 2011)

I'm back. At Monday's MC, he admitted to an EA. Not ongoing, but whatever. I told him that through this whole thing, I'd had faith that he was fundamentally a good person. I told him that I felt like I never really knew him until right then, and that he wasn't who I thought he was. Dropped my rings in his lap and walked out. Went home, grabbed some stuff, and went to stay at the property one of us would have moved to if we'd separated as we discussed. 

People want to help me. My family, my friends . . . but nothing they can do helps me. I have IC every week, but it doesn't help either. Nothing helps, because nothing will ever change what happened. I want to die more than I have ever wanted anything. I know people will be hurt, and I'm sorry, but I can't live with what I now know about him, about me, and about my life. I don't even think he could make me want to live any more. I wouldn't believe anything he said, and it wouldn't take away what he'd said before. I don't think there's any hope left for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well the EA certainly explains him wanting out. 

Good thing he told you.

Get tested for STDs stat. 

I hate to tell you that old cliche, but it takes TIME in order for you to start to heal. Haertbreak, especially the end of a marriage-heartbreak is AWFUL, and moreso when you're on the receiving end of a divorce or someone telling you they want out.

Be glad this happened now and not 10 yrs later. Go to the gym, visit a place you've always wanted to, rent a funny movie. 

THERE is hope for you. Maybe your future does not include him but that does not mean you have no hope. Stop thinking that way. You will have a great life no matter what. Sounds like he dragged you down a lot. People who love someone don't tell their partner how crappy they are. He is the one w/ the problem, NOT you. You stayed true to your vows. Don't forget that.


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## marlowebeach (Mar 24, 2011)

Just an EA. He confessed by saying that he had recently had the opportunity to cheat, physically, and hadn't, but . . . 

I believe that. He has a strong compulsion to feel like the good guy, and crossing that line would be something he would have a hard time reconciling his self-image with.

I already work out too much. I don't know where to turn. I'm not religious, and I'm too ashamed of being unwanted to tell my local friends. They all have husbands that love them. There's nothing I want for myself except my old life back. You say I should be thankful this didn't happen ten years from now, and all I can think is that I would give anything for ten more years of believing I was loved and happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So you'd rather have ten more years of him staying in a marriage where he tells you this?:

_Now he's saying he feels like something is missing in his life, that maybe it was always missing, that he never loved me the way a person should love a spouse, that all these years he's just been doing his best to do what he thought was expected of him, up to and including marrying me. I can't believe that could be true. No one is that good an actor. And why would a person do that? There are no children, there's no reason to live that way. 

He says he wants a divorce, but then he also says he wants to work it out. He thinks maybe another separation will fix it. I think that if I agree, I am not going to come back. It feels like jumping through hoops, trying to please him, proving something to him. I don't think he has any comprehension of the pain he's causing. I don't think he will ever apologize._

Really? I can understand feeling like a failure and ashamed to tell your friends your story but you don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to. It takes TWO to make a marriage work and if his heart isn't in it, you are just wasting your time trying to make something happen that isn't there. You can't keep a marriage alive on your own. 

You say you want your old life back but he's basically told you that your "old life" was him just going through the motions.

Now he could just be talking out of his a-- since he's having an affair (as waywards are known to do that) but if someone wants to go, you let them go.


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