# Introducing myself



## Goldtree5 (Feb 19, 2020)

Hello, my wife and I are both 42 and we have no children. We've always had relationship problems but we dated for 3 years and married in June 2019. We have been in counseling for a year.

My mother passed away 12 years ago and left my sister and I with the home we grew up in. My sister lives there with her husband and 3 children. 

I paid the property taxes on this home, and other bills, for several years, eventhough I dont live there, because I make significantly more than my sister while she and her husband struggle financially because of some bad decisions.

My wife, rightfully, doesn't want me to continue paying these bills while we are married. I told my wife that I would sell the house and ask my sister to move. I want to give my sister a reasonable amount of time to move but my wife wants her to move asap.

My brother in law and I are no longer on speaking terms as a result.

To avoid any more drama, I asked my wife to stay away from my sister. And she gave me her word that she would. 

Then she broke her word.

Against my wishes, my wife insisted on going to my father's home to deliver a birthday gift for my niece during a time when my sister was present.

This was not the first time my wife has ignored my needs and violated my boundaries. 

Should this behavior be a deal breaker?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Only you can answer that question. The fact that you're here and asking it at all tells me it might just be that for you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You should be dealing with your behavior in paying for your sister's and BIL problems. Your W is not the problem here. You are. What wishes of your W did you not fulfill? At the end of the day, the house should be sold and proceeds split.

I did not know dropping off a gift is such a "violation". Was this a criminal act?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I think if it's in your heart to help you our sister, and her family is ok. There are times in our lives where we just need a break. And since your wife is not without anything she needs or is detrmental let it be until you believe enough time has passed to help them out. 

Let your sister know you will give them some needed time to regroup. Then do what you both decide to do. But if you let your new wife control you like this your marriage is only one sided ( what ever pleases her desires), don't fall for that dog and pony show. 

Be assertive and strong, with your new wife. Otherwise she will never stop at her own selfish needs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No. It should not. You are your wife's husband, not her boss 

If you and your sister jointly own the house then YOU can't sell it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is what you do: tell your wife that when the house is sold that your share of the proceeds will be put into an account solely in your name as it is your inheritance and you will not be co-mingling it with marital funds. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

An attorney can advise you, as you have been using marital funds to pay the taxes and such so your wife might have an interest in the proceeds. She doesn't need to know that right now, though.

You thought getting married would solve your relationship problems?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> This is what you do: tell your wife that when the house is sold that your share of the proceeds will be put into an account solely in your name as it is your inheritance and you will not be co-mingling it with marital funds. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.
> 
> An attorney can advise you, as you have been using marital funds to pay the taxes and such so your wife might have an interest in the proceeds. She doesn't need to know that right now, though.
> 
> You thought getting married would solve your relationship problems?


Wow!

Samurai steel truth. I would have not thought of this, this Trust Account being set up.

This is seeing what is really at play here:

Greed on OP's wife's part.

OP's wife is trying to break apart her husbands family.

I see OP's wife bringing over the gift as pointless (too little, too late). Maybe she was trying to smooth over her actions.

No empathy at all from her. As @Tilted 1 mentioned, OP and his wife are not hurting for money, they can safely wait.
The house remains an investment that might even grow in value. Since the house technically is half the OP's, his paying the taxes (and other small bills) is appropriate. 

He was being a good brother. 
That counts for something.
Eh?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh Lord, what good is blood if it is only seen red in good light, and unneeded when the clouds darken some of it.

My blood is yours, yours being mine.

THRD-


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How long has this been your sister and her children’s home? It sounds as though that set up might have been established before you were married. If so, it is shocking to have your home suddenly ripped from you.

There is a balance to be found here. If you and your wife agree that you want to sell the property at this point, give your sister and her family a generous amount of time to get moved out. It’s your sister, not some random tenant. 

A sit down with everyone involved needs to happen to talk this out and repair the damage that your wife has done. She needs to apologize. If this doesn’t happen, your relationship with your sister and BIL will be strained forever. Not worth it over a money thing. They did nothing wrong. They just needed more time.

That you wanted to help your sisters family, to me is a sweet thing. If now that you are married and you as a couple want to change that, fine. 

Your wife needs to slow her roll and treat this situation with love for family, rather than love for money.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Spicy said:


> .
> 
> A sit down with everyone involved needs to happen to talk this out and repair the damage that your wife has done. She needs to apologize. If this doesn’t happen, your relationship with your sister and BIL will be strained forever. Not worth it over a money thing. They did nothing wrong. They just needed more time.
> 
> ...



I do agree with the above, but her love of what she thinks she deserves ( your wife), will always be front and center. Selfish and, wanting, and entitled is may take on this, even now since you don't need the money let your sister buy you out in some fashion. Rent to own or something if that nature. Something similar in my family had occurred my brother spouse is greedy as all hell, and to tell you the truth so is he. So when my father passed we have a sister always involved with them but life didn't work out for her. And never asked for anything from me or the brother. 

Anyhow, dad passed on and as sure as the sun was going to rise in the east within the week of his death. Went to his home and took what they felt entitled too, he the brother never assisted nor helped my father or mother. But still felt entitled, so l and brother own our homes so because if his actions I gave the house to my sister and all contents. 

Was able to recover, some of the items both she my sister and l purchased together for them, the end result I trying to convey is greed never stops. And l am secure that my sister will have something to consider her own as she was a single mother of 5 which were all grown and out of her rented apartment. I do feel that when we die we take nothing from this world but l did do what was right. I could have sold it and let it split 3 ways but because for greed, I opted for doing what was right. By my standard.
*
And l will say this I sleep very well each and every night*.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I don't agree with your wife's behavior/demands, and if she had a problem with you paying out all this money for taxes and bills and such, she should have raised this issue before you decided to marry.

That being said, I think she does have a point that needs to be considered. You are married now, and that means that major financial decisions and expenditures need to be mutually agreed on, and she clearly doesn't agree with this expenditure. I don't know how much money this is, and maybe it doesn't matter, but maybe that expenditure means that you're not contributing as much to your retirement account as you should be, or maybe it means that you're telling your wife that you guys can't afford this or that, when she knows that you could if you weren't subsidizing your sister and her husband.

You don't say what financial mistakes your sister and husband did to put them in a bad position financially, but they do need to bear some of the responsibility to dig themselves out of it. They are already getting free housing, and you are spending further money to pay all the bills for the house, worth no indication that they plan to pay you back or take over the bills on their own anytime soon. You see this as being generous towards you sister and her family, but I would bet that your wife sees it as them taking advantage of your generosity. Because not only are they holding your inheritance hostage (because you can neither rent the house out or sell it, which would turn the inheritance into liquid income, while they are living there), but you are essentially paying money out of your pocket for them to do so. When the house eventually sells, I wonder if your half will even come close to covering everything you've paid out in taxes and bills for the last decade. All of this is what is probably bothering your wife.

And of course this makes your brother-in-law angry. Your new wife is threatening to stop his gravy train.

What have they been doing this whole time to get back on their feet? Rent/mortgage for most people takes 30% of their income, so not having that expense should be a huge help for them. I think that you need to sit them down and work on a plan/timeline for them to get back on their feet, and look into them either buying out your share of the house or moving out into their own place. If they move into their own place, you can rent out your mom's house, which will create a revenue stream for both of you, and with pay for the taxes, etc.

I'm not saying that you should do all this to appease your wife, but because this situation needs to move forward and have an eventual resolution. If you still want to help your sister's family, fine. But talk it over with your wife and see what you both can agree on. Maybe you start college funds for her three kids, or something along those lines.

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