# How do you deal.



## TheOtherNick (Jan 2, 2014)

I was browsing through my old photos today looking for picctures of one of my groomsmen to add to the wedding website when i stumbled accross some nudie photos that a woman had sent me long ago before i met my fioncee. I never hooked up with this girl or anything and this was truley an insignificant event in my life. However when I say these photos i got really angry, probably resentfull. I dont know. "The Hunt" used to be such a big part of my life. And seeing that part of my past and knowing that the chase will never happen again is depressing. I love my fioncee to death, we've been together for three years and ive never cheated and never plan to. I wouldnt think of it. 
Is it worth giving up that side of my life for my fioncee. Absolutly! I love her. 
But that doesnt make it any less of a loss. 
How do you guys deal with giving up that part of your life?

Ive seen a lot of post where men ask this question only to get ripped on and berated because "there not man enough" and "just want to be cheating bastards" 

Please honest feedback. Don't berate a guy who's just asking for help, and trying to be a good husband.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Are you SURE you're ready to get married and FOREVER give all that up? Really, this is a serious question.


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## TheOtherNick (Jan 2, 2014)

Thats something i faught with for a long time before I proposed. And I can honsetly say, yes absolulty. If i can only have one way of life, i'd choose her, without question. This time, and every time.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

TheOtherNick said:


> I was browsing through my old photos today looking for picctures of one of my groomsmen to add to the wedding website when i stumbled accross some nudie photos that a woman had sent me long ago before i met my fioncee. I never hooked up with this girl or anything and this was truley an insignificant event in my life. *However when I say these photos i got really angry, probably resentfull.* I dont know. "The Hunt" used to be such a big part of my life. And seeing that part of my past and knowing that the chase will never happen again is depressing. *I love my fioncee to death, we've been together for three years and ive never cheated and never plan to*. I wouldnt think of it.
> Is it worth giving up that side of my life for my fioncee. Absolutly! I love her.
> But that doesnt make it any less of a loss.
> How do you guys deal with giving up that part of your life?
> ...


That's a huge problem - feeling angry that you can't troll for women anymore, and feeling resentful about it? You're in danger of crossing boundaries and cheating on your wife whether you "plan" to do it or not. Few people actually plan to cheat on their future wives, but they do so anyway.

How to deal? Keep very, very clear boundaries with women that you work with, friends, and women you meet socially. Don't text them, don't flirt with them, don't go out alone with them, don't be open to such things. Stay off Craig's list, and wherever else you used to go to chat up women who are willing to send you nude pictures. Don't go out drinking where you are likely to meet women you might hit on or hook up with.

Focus instead on how happy and how lucky you feel to be with a woman who loves you and wants to build a life with you. Turn all your chasing instincts into chasing your wife for the rest of your life. Just because you marry her doesn't mean you don't have to do anything to maintain her interest and desire for you.

If you don't think you can manage to not be resentful and angry that you aren't free to chase other women, then don't get married or you'll be setting yourself up for divorce.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh, and you might consider getting rid of the nude pictures of other women. Not only will you eliminate the risk of running across those pictures in the future and triggering this anger and resentment you are feeling now, you will also eliminate the risk of hurting your fiancee if she finds them after you're married. She likely won't be understanding of why you have naked pictures of other women.


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## TheOtherNick (Jan 2, 2014)

> That's a huge problem - feeling angry that you can't troll for women anymore, and feeling resentful about it? You're in danger of crossing boundaries and cheating on your wife whether you "plan" to do it or not. Few people actually plan to cheat on their future wives, but they do so anyway.


Responses like this is why i posted in "The Men's Clubhouse"

Ive read "the Manogamy gap" as well as other books about traditional and non-traditional mariage. We've done Pre-marital workbooks and counceling. I've even told her that i feel this way. Theres no secrets. 

This is a completely normal response for a man to have in my position. I dont have



> a huge problem


Men just deal with things differently


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Healer said:


> Are you SURE you're ready to get married and FOREVER give all that up? Really, this is a serious question.


not many marriage make the forever mark.

only thing thats truly forever is death.


maybe the answer is to alway have good game with your girlfrien/future wife. keep the spark/tension alive between you two.


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## TheOtherNick (Jan 2, 2014)

> When I got married the second time, there were no doubts in my mind. The pictures I had(none nude) were meaningful to me, but were in no way at all an emotional hurdle. You will always feel a bit sentimental about things, but if they cause you to have this much angst, you may want to reevaluate your decision.


I wouldnt really say its an emotional thing. But angst was a good word to use. i can tell you see where im coming from. Resentment was probably a poor choice of words on my part. 

I dont want another emptional connection. I really dont. I love this girl to death. 

This is an autonomic response. Only in the past 60 years have male humans been exclusivly monogamous. I'm not trying to get into a scientific debate or anything, but this is a hard thing for us to do. 

I'm not going to lie to myself and say that because i love my fioncee that im not attracted to other women. We're not in a disney movie. Theres no magic switch that targets your endocrin system when you fall in love. 

I'm just here trying to be a better husband despite my steriotypical hormones.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TheOtherNick said:


> Responses like this is why i posted in "The Men's Clubhouse"
> 
> Ive read "the Manogamy gap" as well as other books about traditional and non-traditional mariage. We've done Pre-marital workbooks and counceling. I've even told her that i feel this way. Theres no secrets.
> 
> ...



I was going to post, but then I saw this and realized you don't want to hear anything that doesn't agree with you, esp if its from us women that just don't get it.
Good luck, I sincerely hope your marriage works out.
FYI, I'm sorry you think men are just different, but I can tell you that women can also mourn the loss of being able to openly flirt with men. Perhaps you should ask yourself if you'd be ok with your fiance getting upset because she can't flirt with, get free drinks from, and send nude pics to men anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I can understand the anger - it's part of a grieving process when you lose something you liked, even when you _choose _to trade it for something else you want even more: marriage with someone you love who will make the choice worthwhile.

It will pass - as long as your marriage is good, and you are half the equation in how good it can be and will be.


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## TheOtherNick (Jan 2, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I was going to post, but then I saw this and realized you don't want to hear anything that doesn't agree with you, esp if its from us women that just don't get it.
> Good luck, I sincerely hope your marriage works out.
> FYI, I'm sorry you think men are just different, but I can tell you that women can also mourn the loss of being able to openly flirt with men. Perhaps you should ask yourself if you'd be ok with your fiance getting upset because she can't flirt with, get free drinks from, and send nude pics to men anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For the record I've given her my permission to sleep with anyone she wants., and she gets free drink every time we go out. 
She expressed that she wasnt comfortable with giving me the same permission and I am respecting her wishes. 

I'm sorry if im coming off like a jerk. That wasnt my intention.


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## TheOtherNick (Jan 2, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I can understand the anger - it's part of a grieving process when you lose something you liked, even when you _choose _to trade it for something else you want even more: marriage with someone you love who will make the choice worthwhile.
> 
> It will pass - as long as your marriage is good, and you are half the equation in how good it can be and will be.


Thank you


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TheOtherNick said:


> For the record I've given her my permission to sleep with anyone she wants., .... She expressed that she wasnt comfortable with giving me the same permission and I am respecting her wishes.


That wouldn't work for me, this double standard. A definite deal breaker. It would be the principle involved - what's acceptable for her should be acceptable for me, in kind. Whether I would or you would choose to _act_ on it is another matter entirely.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> That wouldn't work for me, this double standard. A definite deal breaker. It would be the principle involved - what's acceptable for her should be acceptable for me, in kind. Whether I would or you would choose to _act_ on it is another matter entirely.


It kind of depends on whether she's asked for that permission... He didn't indicate that. If she's asked for that level of permission and refuses to grant it, that would be unacceptable. If he's offered that to her without condition (as I read he has), then that's up to her whether she takes him up on it. 

Personally, I think the fact that the OP feels "anger" about the loss of his player lifestyle indicates that while he may think he's ready to give that up, he's not really. But I wasn't a "player" prior to getting married, so what do I know...

I'd also be concerned that the two of them may not be compatible on the whole "swinger" spectrum... If she's strongly in the "monogamous forever" camp (and there's nothing wrong with that) and he's pushing for "do whoever you like whenever" camp (and there's nothing wrong with that, either), he needs to be very careful about continuously trying to push her boundaries. That often ends in a catastrophic failure. Vanilla and exotic rarely co-exist peacefully for extended periods of time.

C


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

TheOtherNick said:


> I love my fioncee to death, we've been together for three years and ive never cheated and never plan to. I wouldnt think of it.
> Is it worth giving up that side of my life for my fioncee. Absolutly! I love her.
> But that doesnt make it any less of a loss.
> How do you guys deal with giving up that part of your life?


Okay, I'm not going to berate you. I am a guy. I will give you some honest feedback.

At least you are not yet married. Angry? Probably resentful? Depressing? Think about that for a moment. Although I believe that you have only the best of intentions, your question implies that we ALL are resentful, depressed, and angry. Your question implies that you want to know how we deal with those feelings.

The honest answer? We DON'T deal with it, because there is nothing to deal with. We do not have feelings of anger, resentfulness, or anger that we have to DEAL with for the greater good of someone we love. Try to not have a negative emotional reaction to this paragraph. Just sit with it for a while.

I think there is a good chance that you are a basically decent human being that has gotten himself into a bit of a predicament. You have gotten involved with someone you care deeply for, maybe even love, and you don't want to give that up. You are willing to spend the rest of your life with her. I will give you that one.

But I will tell you something else too. Turn the tables. Imagine her finding some old nude photos of guys. And her reaction is that she is torn. She knows that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you and that she loves you. She also has feelings of anger, maybe resentment, and is depressed that she can't chase men anymore. She is perfectly willing to give all of that up, however that isn't something she is willing to share with you; that is her little secret (marriages shouldn't have secrets). She has to go onto a marriage forum to help her DEAL with her feelings of anger, resentment, and depression over having to be faithful to you. But, sarcasm follows, you can feel good because she is willing to make the effort because she loves you.

That kinda leaves a crappy feeling in your stomach doesn't it? The truth is, such a situation would be very hard and difficult because you have been together for so long. The truth is also that you would deserve a better wife than someone like that.

See? She deserves better than that.

You have already suggested that you would allow her to do things that she would not allow you to do. This is simply not a good match. You got the car and she's got the truck. You give her permission to go 4 wheeling, but she only wants to go downtown and shop. You aren't allowed to go 4 wheeling, and you are asking how to deal with the feelings of resentment, anger, and depression of not being able to go 4 wheeling. And it is supposed to be some solace to her that you are willing to give up the 4 wheeling; you just need a little help dealing with it.

I am not mad at you. I am not trying to be irrational. In fact, I will give you credit for thinking about this stuff before you got married. Hindsight being twenty-twenty, maybe you can learn to think about these kinds of things before committing again.

You HAVE to tell her EXACTLY what you wrote here. Besides, she has your passwords and reads everything you type anyway, right?

Right? So she all READY knows because there are no secrets. Right?

I am just trying to get you to think about some things. I am not upset at you. I don't think you are a bad person.

This HAS to come out. Every bit of it. And if there is THIS? Well, there is probably MANY other things too.

Good luck.


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