# Sympathy from a depressed/BPD?



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Somebody with depression/anxiety/perimenopaus/BPD help me out here. I got tons of bad news this past weekend. I live 500+ miles away, so I heard it all at once by phone. Two family members rushed to the hospital this past week. An older relative fell...again. The person back home who has been the rock and was thrown in the middle of all of this mess...is about to break down. 

My W, who suffers from the things I mentioned above (no diagnosis on any them) asked me about it after I got off the phone. I told her, and I tried to be/look strong, but I'm sure she could sense the worry/fear in me. One of the relatives at the hospital, who I'm close to, appeared to be near death. What do I get? Kind words? A hand on my shoulder? A hug? No. She asked for the details, and didn't have much to say. In fact, I noticed an bit of extra nastiness in her. WTF? I can't get in her brain, but I'm guessing this is stressing her? Maybe she's jealous/worried about me giving my time/emotions to someone else? Just kind of pizzed that I'm married to someone like this. Help me out here. Does she get a pass for acting this way?


After seeing my W's shyte reaction, I sat next to my kids, who were watching a movie. I don't want to put my needs on them, so I just put my hand on S7's shoulder, without a word. He leaned in on me as we sat, and I instantly felt a calm come over me.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

No, she does NOT get a pass for acting like that. I don't understand people who cannot even make an attempt to step up and be what their spouse needs.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

pidge - if it's not too personal, did you ever act this way? Can you see where a HF uBPD would?

I'm not going to waste my time confronting her. It's not the first time, and I basically expect it now. Still doesn't make it easy. I confronted her on something like this in the past, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said she handles these things differently than me.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have never acted that way that I recall. My H is actually the one that has more of a problem showing any emotion in such situations.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

No pass from me either and I've suffered from all those things. I'll admit sympathy isn't my first language but I can/will do it. With practice I find I get better at it each time. It just takes a desire to want to be there for someone.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Thunder, I agree with Pidge, Mavish, and 3Leaf that your W should be held accountable for her actions and allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her bad behavior. No free pass. 

As to her having strong BPD traits, perhaps so. Yet, as I noted in your "Possibly BPD?" thread, you are not observing a persistent pattern of such traits if they only occurred during the last three years of your 20-year marriage. If these traits arise from a damaged personality, the damage would have occurred in childhood and the traits likely would have been noticeable starting soon after your marriage, if not sooner. It therefore is significant that you've not mentioned seeing any red flags in the first 17 years of your marriage.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> ... do you think it's possible that she picked up on your disappointment and anger when your expectation for how she should react wasn't met?
> 
> Wishing your family good health, by the way.


I don't think my actions caused her to act that way. I sensed her nastiness while I was still getting the news in the first phone call. If I get a call, my insecure W nearly always hovers nearby, and starts asking questions and making comments. She was grilling me with questions as I was trying to have a phone conversation. I was trying to keep my voice from breaking as I was getting all of this bad news. I had more of a helpless feeling going on (all of these sick loved ones are 500+ miles away), so I doubt I gave off a nasty vibe. 

Thank you for the kind words. The situation is getting a little better. 


Uptown said:


> As to her having strong BPD traits, perhaps so. Yet, as I noted in your "Possibly BPD?" thread, you are not observing a persistent pattern of such traits if they only occurred during the last three years of your 20-year marriage. If these traits arise from a damaged personality, the damage would have occurred in childhood and the traits likely would have been noticeable starting soon after your marriage, if not sooner. It therefore is significant that you've not mentioned seeing any red flags in the first 17 years of your marriage.


I can't argue with you, as I'm not a pro by any means. A heck of a lot does fit, but I may just be seeing similar behavior caused by her array of other issues. Her dad committed suicide when she was a little kid, which had to cause a huge impact on her. As I learn more about BPD, and think back, there were red flags. But, I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket, and it sure as hell doesn't give her a pass on bad behavior. 

Bottom line...no matter what issues she has...I can only control me, but I can lay down boundaries, and follow through on consequences.


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