# Gut instincts about boyfriend's female best friend



## coquille

We have been together for six months now and getting along great except for one thing. He has introduced me to some of his friends. The first of his friends that I met is his female "best friend". She is married. The first time the three of us got together so that I can meet her, he treated her better than he treated me. He didn't even touch me or kiss me in her presence. We almost broke up because of this. 

They have not met many times, but when they meet they do activities that he does not do with me. He always says he wants to do them with me, but somehow he "forgets" to. They both said they want us to go out for a double date with her husband, but somehow it never worked out, so I have not met her husband. What bothers me more is that my BF pays for her when they go out, he paid her trips in the past, and God knows what he pays for, because she doesn't work. 

He acknowledged that he treated me poorly and wants to make amends and says he loves me, so I gave him a chance and asked him to be transparent about their friendship so that I feel comfortable around her. Since then, he never mentioned her or any of her news, even though they regularly communicate and text. His birthday is coming up and hers too. They made arrangements to celebrate their birthdays together without me or her husband present. 

My suspicion is that he has already bought a gift for her and want to spend the evening with her. They picked the day of the week I am most busy and cannot join. He didn't insist I join either; just mentioned it in passing. We have not celebrated his birthday yet; it's in a week. Am I overreacting for wanting him to myself? He always says I am the one, but it looks to me that I am sharing him with this friend who keeps him around her. 

He has several female friends and has met with them without me, and I feel fine about them because he shares with me their stories; it's just he never shares anything about this particular friend, even after me asking him to do so. I am thinking of ending things with him because he has consistently disregarded my feelings about this after many promises to correct his behavior.


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## dadstartingover

He has two girlfriends. You want to be the ONE. He apparently doesn't agree. I think that about covers it.


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## Keke24

If this is how things are during what is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of your relationship, imagine what the future holds.

This is downright inappropriate and it makes me question whether this woman truly is married. Such poor boundaries, it is clear this woman and your bf are engaged in an emotional affair. 

Test your gut OP. I commend you for standing up to their bs that first instance when he treated her better than you. Trust your gut, you deserve better than this.


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## stro

If he thinks you are THE ONE, it sounds like it’s only because this other girl is already married. You shouldn’t play second fiddle to any other woman. You May as well get out now. Spare yourself years of headaches, heartaches and suspicions.


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## Prodigal

coquille said:


> They made arrangements to celebrate their birthdays together *without me or her husband present*. My suspicion is that he has already bought a gift for her and want to spend the evening with her. They picked the day of the week I am most busy and cannot join. He didn't insist I join either; just mentioned it in passing.
> 
> Am I overreacting for wanting him to myself?


WTF?!?!?!? Uh, no, you aren't "overreacting." In fact, I'd like to know why you are questioning yourself on this. You have made it abundantly clear how you feel about this so-called "friendship." Your bf tosses you a few crumbs by telling you that you are numero uno. I call total B.S. on that. Talk is cheap. Look at the behavior, not the words.

And his behavior makes it clear he is either already screwing this woman or they are, at the very least, deep in an emotional affair. 

Me? I'd drop him like radioactive waste. SERIOUSLY.


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## coquille

Prodigal, I question myself because whenever I bring up the subject of them hanging out, he repeats that he has known her for a long time and she is like a sister to him, and they have been doing so many activities together. I don't want to sound jealous or insecure, but this situation makes me both. 
UPDATE: after our argument, he cancelled his plan to meet her for their birthday. I feel conflicted.


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## notmyrealname4

,


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## Prodigal

coquille said:


> Prodigal, I question myself because whenever I bring up the subject of them hanging out, he repeats that he has known her for a long time and she is like a sister to him ...


Like I already told you, talk is cheap. He can tell you anything he wants to tell you. Especially when it works in his favor. After all, what he tells you has you questioning yourself. But here's the thing: You are giving him power to determine how you should feel. And he knows it. It's called manipulation, and he's quite adept at keeping you in your place.



coquille said:


> ... they have been doing so many activities together. ... UPDATE: after our argument, he cancelled his plan to meet her for their birthday. I feel conflicted.


No, I don't think what you are really feeling is conflicted at all. On some level, it's denial. After all, your bf is participating in lots of activities with his female friend. I assume you and the friend's husband are left out of the loop. And, hey, how about this husband she supposedly has. How do you know there really is a husband? Logic dictates that any man worth his salt wouldn't allow his wife to be out cavorting with an unmarried male friend. So you don't like the situation as it stands. I bet you also feel your bf is tossing you a bone to get you to shut up about his gal pal.

Do you honestly know/believe they aren't going to hook up anyway? So that conflicted feeling you have is your gut instinct telling you something is off. Meanwhile, bf is going to continue to keep you off balance and doubting yourself.

It's up to you. Have enough faith in yourself and stand by your convictions, or have yourself tied up in knots over his dicey relationship with the other woman.

Frankly, I wouldn't want a man like this in my life. Why? Because I know what I want. Maybe you should give serious thought to what you want. This man does not sound like a keeper to me.


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## SunCMars

You are the one.

The one he spends the most time with.
She is the one he thinks about most of the time. 

She is the one that got away. 
Not away, away. Still within arms reach.

I too, suspect she is married and that her husband does not have a clue about what she is up to.

She is a cake eater.
You are a flake eater.

Spit out this phony two timer.


Lilith


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## ABHale

coquille said:


> Prodigal, I question myself because whenever I bring up the subject of them hanging out, he repeats that he has known her for a long time and she is like a sister to him, and they have been doing so many activities together. I don't want to sound jealous or insecure, but this situation makes me both.
> UPDATE: after our argument, he cancelled his plan to meet her for their birthday. I feel conflicted.


Their relationship isn’t normal. Also can’t see how her husband puts up with it. 

Red flag is that when you asked him to be transparent he stopped talking about her. 

I think you need to find a bf that is into you, not a married lady that he has known forever.


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## Roselyn

OP, get away from this relationship as fast as you can. You are Plan B! For God's sake, save your well-being and get some backbone. You are in for a roller-coaster of your life.


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## Diana7

This is totally inappropriate. He is dating her as well as you. Its also very odd that you have never met her husband. I have to wonder if he even knows about their relationship. 
I would run a mile. He clearly has no boundaries with other women.


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## NextTimeAround

No need to reinvent the wheel:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/419993-can-someone-explain-friend-zoned-me-please.html


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## Andy1001

Are you absolutely sure that she is still with her husband and if she is are they in some sort of open relationship.


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## coquille

She is with her husband; they are probably in a monogamous relationship. I saw some pictures of him and of them together. I suspect an emotional affair rather than a sexual one between her and my BF. 

As I mentioned above, my BF cancelled the plan with her after I reacted strongly to them going out without me and the husband. I can't say what kind of man the husband is because I have not met him, but he seems fine with her hanging out with my BF while he is at work.


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## Prodigal

If this is the type of crap you are willing to settle for after just six months in a relationship, that's fine. Your life. Your choice.


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## Daisy12

I have to wonder did he really cancel the plans with her or did he just move them to another date that doesn’t conflict with your plans.

I would be sitting this boy down and telling him that you are not comfortable with the way he interacts with his female friend. Is it possible that you are just getting jealous of a close relationship that these two have, which very well may be like sister and brother? 

Tell him how you feel and that you think he may have feelings for his friend and that you are not comfortable being in a relationship with him while he’s heart and thoughts are in another place.



> He didn't even touch me or kiss me in her presence.


 When you say this, does that mean he never touched you or that he would pull away from you when ever you tried to touch or kiss him? If you tried to hold his hand, would he hold yours or shake you off?

The fact that he pays for her when they go places is weird, and to me makes it seem like maybe he has a crush on her and she essentially was the one that got away, but never really left and if that’s the case.. good luck you are always going to be playing second fiddle for as long as you date him or until her marriage falls apart and he feels he may have a shot with her.


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## syhoybenden

coquille said:


> the husband. I can't say what kind of man the husband is because I have not met him, but he seems fine with her hanging out with my BF while he is at work.


 "but he seems fine" SEEMS??? He seems fine? Really? How would you know? Have you ever met him? Spoken with him? Asked him about your concerns and if he possibly has any?

No. You're just taking your boyfriends word for it aren't you? Don't you see a problem with this?



It is high time that you had a talk with the "best friend's" husband. I will bet you a brand new shiny nickle he has no idea of what has been going on.


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## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> This is totally inappropriate. He is dating her as well as you. Its also very odd that you have never met her husband. I have to wonder if he even knows about their relationship.
> *I would run a mile.* He clearly has no boundaries with other women.


A mile or 1609.344 meters?


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## She'sStillGotIt

coquille said:


> Prodigal, I question myself because whenever I bring up the subject of them hanging out, he repeats that he has known her for a long time and she is like a sister to him, and they have been doing so many activities together. I don't want to sound jealous or insecure, but this situation makes me both.
> UPDATE: after our argument, he cancelled his plan to meet her for their birthday. I feel conflicted.


And BOY is he never going to let you forget it.

You know, there's a difference between being honest, healthy good friends and acting like a lovesick teenager and trying to pass it off as being her friend.

This fool falls into the latter category.

And whether you like it or not, he'll always see YOU as the reason his 'friendship' has suddenly become such a problem for him.

Personally, I'd be willing to bet my right arm if she got divorced he'd be RIGHT there hoping to fill in the vacancy.


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## SunCMars

Best thing to do is dump him.

If you feel you cannot, then start going on 'dates' with a co-worker or another male 'friend'.
Just a date, no physical contact.

Send him selfies while doing so.

Let him feel the injustice.

If he starts to complain, ask him why the Gander gets to gape and hold hands.
And not the Goose. You getting another man to buy you lunch and gaze into your eyes.
You and another man rattling tongues together on what happened today.


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## She'sStillGotIt

coquille said:


> She is with her husband; they are probably in a monogamous relationship. I saw some pictures of him and of them together. I suspect an emotional affair rather than a sexual one between her and my BF.
> 
> As I mentioned above, my BF cancelled the plan with her after I reacted strongly to them going out without me and the husband. I can't say what kind of man the husband is because I have not met him, but he seems fine with her hanging out with my BF while he is at work.


Now it makes sense.

He's at work and has no clue what's really going on. Maybe he doesn't even know she's not home, or she tells him she's meeting up with a girlfriend or perhaps she's telling him she's meeting up with your boyfriend - and YOU.

Don't assume her husband knows everything and don't assume he's ok with any of this.

But here's a thought. If they're such 'great buddies' and besties and all that, why doesn't he go over her house when the hubby is home and hang out with them? Why isn't he dropping over her place on a Sunday morning and having coffee with both of them? Why is their supposed friendship always maintained out at bars or restaurants or on trips?


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## coquille

He canceled the plan. Yes, I am not comfortable with this friendship. I got a bad vibe from the first moment I met her. She doesn't work so she can meet any week night. My work keeps me busy. I also share paying for stuff with my BF when we go out. The problem with their interaction is that he pays for her stuff and she gives him compliments about he is such a gentleman, and this makes him happy. I told him that I don't have to pay people to be my friends or BF as a matter of fact. I am against having my BF paying for all my stuff. She is happy with this, and my assumption is that the husband is ok with others paying stuff for his wife. I saw pics of him and my BF, so he is aware of the friendship. The thing is I have not met him yet to see the interaction between the three of them.

When I met her the first time, my BF was physically distant with me in front of her. The second time (after I almost broke up with him because of his attitude) he made it a point to have a lot of PDA with me in her presence. That was the two times I saw her. 

The fact that I am here asking for advice is that I am not willing to pursue this relationship, but I want advice from others before I make the decision. Mainly because when she is not in the picture all is fine. He is a reliable person, but this friend is making me question everything about him.


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## She'sStillGotIt

coquille said:


> He canceled the plan. Yes, I am not comfortable with this friendship. I got a bad vibe from the first moment I met her. She doesn't work so she can meet any week night. My work keeps me busy. I also share paying for stuff with my BF when we go out. The problem with their interaction is that he pays for her stuff and she gives him compliments about he is such a gentleman, and this makes him happy. I told him that I don't have to pay people to be my friends or BF as a matter of fact. I am against having my BF paying for all my stuff. She is happy with this, and my assumption is that the husband is ok with others paying stuff for his wife. I saw pics of him and my BF, so he is aware of the friendship. The thing is I have not met him yet to see the interaction between the three of them.


While he may be aware of the friendship, it still doesn't mean that he KNOWS every single time they go out and your boyfriend pays for her. In fact, what husband is totally ok with his wife going out to dinner with a supposed 'friend' who thinks he always has to pay for her because it appears these two don't have two dimes to rub together? I don't know many men who would be happy to have another man paying for their wife's dinner because the friend believes he's incapable of providing money for his wife to have dinner out. The fact that your boyfriend automatically pays tells ME that her husband likely *doesn't *know she's out or he'd make sure she had money to go. Since she's always apparently broke, that kind of screams that she didn't want to have to explain where $40 or $50 went when he* thought* she was home all night doing laundry.



> When I met her the first time, my BF was physically distant with me in front of her. The second time (after I almost broke up with him because of his attitude) he made it a point to have a lot of PDA with me in her presence. That was the two times I saw her.


That was easily rectified. He told her you whined and gave him a ration of hell for being so distant with you when you'd gotten together the last time, so the _next_ time he was going to be a lot more demonstrative toward you - and he was. Again, I'm willing to bet he already told her he was going to do this LONG before that night happened. It shut you up and solved the problem.



> The fact that I am here asking for advice is that I am not willing to pursue this relationship, but I want advice from others before I make the decision. Mainly because when she is not in the picture all is fine. He is a reliable person, but this friend is making me question everything about him.


My last piece of advice is really the crux of it all. Never, EVER ignore you gut when it's trying to tell you something. And yours has been talking to you for a long, long time.


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## stro

Ask yourself this. If this woman wasn’t married would your BF be with you right now? If the answer is NO then either she has to go or you do.


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## BluesPower

coquille said:


> Prodigal, I question myself because whenever I bring up the subject of them hanging out, he repeats that he has known her for a long time and she is like a sister to him, and they have been doing so many activities together. I don't want to sound jealous or insecure, but this situation makes me both.
> UPDATE: after our argument, he cancelled his plan to meet her for their birthday. I feel conflicted.


Actually what you should feel is sorry that you need to find a new BF, end of story. 

Are they screwing around, who knows, have the slept together, probably, should you care? No you should not, you should just lose him. 

Listen, when someone values this type of relationship more than their primary R, then something is wrong. Treating you poorly, that is a huge red flag, but what does it mean? Does it mean that they are actually having an affair? Who knows. 

But when you put any friend above your women, then that woman is not that important.

Time to dump...


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## Keke24

Prodigal said:


> If this is the type of crap you are willing to settle for after just six months in a relationship, that's fine. Your life. Your choice.


QFT


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## ButWeAreStrange

You should never feel second best in a relationship, it's like a nursing poison that will eventually turn into resent and paranoia. It sounds very much like he is carrying a torch for his friend. Do you know if he behaved this way with any ex-girlfriends? It might help to reach out and see how this dynamic with his "best friend" has been perceived in the past. 

Honestly he doesn't sound worth your time at all, especially if he's actively pouring time, attention and money into a relationship with another woman (which is what this is, a relationship with her). If you don't want to dump him, another thing you could do is reach out to her husband and suggest you both throw a surprise birthday party for them. It might give you an opportunity to see how the husband really feels about everything as well as make a statement to your boyfriend and his "best friend" that you are not going to be the type to wait around for them to decide if and when you get to be part of something. 

If you truly feel like he's worth fighting for (which I honestly doubt he is), then you are going to need to take the reins of your relationship with him and show you mean business. You don't even have to wait for them to set up a double date, just call up her or her husband and set it up. The more room you give to your boyfriend to be a go-between, the more control you leave in his hands. But again, this all rests on whether or not you even think he's worth this level of dedicated energy.


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## NextTimeAround

It's not clear to me what role this woman has in our bf's life. HE could be wanting to date her again. Or just simply he likes drama (yes, some men do) and she's perfect for triangulation. 

Do you know why he broke up with the last one?


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## LeananSidhe

Him paying for everything is a huge red flag. She’s going out with another man while her husband is at work and leaving no clues on bank statements. I’m thinking her husband doesn’t really know what’s going on.
It sounds like your BF really likes her and is hanging around being a “best friend” until he has a chance with her. She’s enjoying the attention. I’m betting she’s telling your BF all about their problems (made up or real) to keep him strung along. 

Oddly enough, I’ve been there. I was the “best friend”. The guy didn’t have a chance with me romantically but he was fun and interesting to hang it with. He dated a couple other girls but I always knew that I could snap my fingers and he’d be there. The other girls realized it too and never stuck around long. Eventually I realized that his slow game worked and I was in love with him too. Tricky little bastard. 
So yeah, I don’t see a future here. Sorry. It does suck.


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## sa58

Dump him now.
He is showing you little or no respect 
at all. If you allow him to do this now
it will continue and get worse. He is also 
disrespecting his friends husband by doing 
this. His female friend's husband may have 
no idea what is really going on.

He could be using you as cover so he can
see and date her. She could be telling her 
husband she is going to meet him and you.
Sometimes your there sometimes your not.

Move on you deserve better. Her husband 
probably does to.


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## FieryHairedLady

No kids, no marriage. DUMP HIM NOW!! RUN RUN!!!!


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## ABHale

coquille said:


> He canceled the plan. Yes, I am not comfortable with this friendship. I got a bad vibe from the first moment I met her. She doesn't work so she can meet any week night. My work keeps me busy. I also share paying for stuff with my BF when we go out. The problem with their interaction is that he pays for her stuff and she gives him compliments about he is such a gentleman, and this makes him happy. I told him that I don't have to pay people to be my friends or BF as a matter of fact. I am against having my BF paying for all my stuff. She is happy with this, and my assumption is that the husband is ok with others paying stuff for his wife. I saw pics of him and my BF, so he is aware of the friendship. The thing is I have not met him yet to see the interaction between the three of them.
> 
> When I met her the first time, my BF was physically distant with me in front of her. The second time (after I almost broke up with him because of his attitude) he made it a point to have a lot of PDA with me in her presence. That was the two times I saw her.
> 
> The fact that I am here asking for advice is that I am not willing to pursue this relationship, but I want advice from others before I make the decision. Mainly because when she is not in the picture all is fine. He is a reliable person, but this friend is making me question everything about him.


It should make you question everything about him.


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## Prodigal

coquille said:


> He canceled the plan. Yes, *I am not comfortable with this friendship*. *I got a bad vibe* from the first moment I met her. ... The problem with their interaction is that *he pays for her stuff *and she gives him compliments about he is such a gentleman, and this makes him happy.
> 
> The fact that I am here asking for advice is that I am not willing to pursue this relationship, *but I want advice from others before I make the decision*. Mainly because when she is not in the picture all is fine. He is a reliable person, but this friend is making me question everything about him.


^^THIS.^^ What I see as more of an issue is your lack of confidence in yourself. You aren't comfortable with the situation. You have a bad vibe about her. And you should. She doesn't work. Why is that? Does she have children? If not, then why isn't she working?

Like I said, if you want to settle for this nonsense just six month's in, okay. But you ALREADY know how you feel about it. I mean, c'mon, this situation sucks. You know it. It doesn't matter that things are "fine" when it's just the two of you. The fact is, she's going to be around. And when she is, it's going to be making you feel edgy.

P.S. - You have already been told to dump this character. What are you seeking - advice or agreement to stay with this loser?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

coquille said:


> Prodigal, I question myself because whenever I bring up the subject of them hanging out, he repeats that he has known her for a long time and she is like a sister to him, and they have been doing so many activities together. I don't want to sound jealous or insecure, but this situation makes me both.
> UPDATE: after our argument, he cancelled his plan to meet her for their birthday. I feel conflicted.


Have lots of sex that night. But don't let him know you're dwelling on the cancellation.


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## Yeswecan

coquille said:


> Prodigal, I question myself because whenever I bring up the subject of them hanging out, he repeats that he has known her for a long time and she is like a sister to him, and they have been doing so many activities together. I don't want to sound jealous or insecure, but this situation makes me both.
> UPDATE: after our argument, he cancelled his plan to meet her for their birthday. I feel conflicted.


The boundaries need to be set now if you want to continue this relationship. Scheduling a birthday with OW and you not invited is frankly...not normal. Personally, I would check out on this dude.


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## Evinrude58

Dump and run. Cheater, he is.


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## NextTimeAround

> The problem with their interaction is that he pays for her stuff and she gives him compliments about he is such a gentleman, and this makes him happy. I told him that I don't have to pay people to be my friends or BF as a matter of fact. I am against having my BF paying for all my stuff. She is happy with this,


This guy is not going to like you any more because you pay for yourself....... but it does mean that you free up money so that he may continue spending on his female BFF.

In the much supported book "not Just Friends," the author says that a person may stray because their partner DOES TOO MUCH. Usually, one strays because the partner does not do enough. 

You've noticed already that he likes playing Big Daddy. Maybe he could enjoying being Big Daddy with you if you just let him.

One thing that I have learned about men is that if they are not spending money on you, then they will spend on someone else.


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## coquille

I had thought about this before, and I am also aware that he likes the compliments and ego strokes he gets from her when he spends money on her, and he also wants them to keep coming. But in the beginning of our relationship he made some hints and joked about husbands or boyfriends paying everything for their girlfriends or wives. I don't want to hear these jokes, and I also believe that it is fair that everyone covers his or her expenses. I would be going against my values if I expect him to pay for my expenses. I let him pay when I see it's important for him, but I don't want him to pay for everything. He also doesn't volunteer to pay all the time.


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## BruceBanner

Ignore this post. What I said might have been a little too harsh.


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## coquille

UPDATE: We just had a long talk and he still denies that there is anything besides friendship between the two of them. He tried to argue that the fact he cancelled is proof that he regrets and wants to make things better. To me it's too little too late. When he asked what do you want, I said I want to break up. He tried to convince me that it is all in my head because I am upset. I still insisted on breaking up. I broke up with him. end of story. thank you all for your advice. Very helpful and puts things in perspective.


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## Roselyn

coquille said:


> UPDATE: We just had a long talk and he still denies that there is anything besides friendship between the two of them. He tried to argue that the fact he cancelled is proof that he regrets and wants to make things better. To me it's too little too late. When he asked what do you want, I said I want to break up. He tried to convince me that it is all in my head because I am upset. I still insisted on breaking up. I broke up with him. end of story. thank you all for your advice. Very helpful and puts things in perspective.


Coquille, I congratulate you for listening to your inner self. You saved yourself from what could have potentially become a heartbreak. Hope you continue to update on your journey.


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## coquille

I am grateful for your supportive advice. She does not work and she has no children. I have no idea why. All I know that without her parents pushing her to get a college degree, she wouldn't have gotten this degree, which was paid by her parents btw. She never used this degree, worked odd jobs, and has been jobless since she got married (she has been married for about a year). She says she won't settle for any job, and is looking for a job that she likes.


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## Andy1001

coquille said:


> I am grateful for your supportive advice. She does not work and she has no children. I have no idea why. All I know that without her parents pushing her to get a college degree, she wouldn't have gotten this degree, which was paid by her parents btw. She never used this degree, worked odd jobs, and has been jobless since she got married (she has been married for about a year). She says she won't settle for any job, and is looking for a job that she likes.


She sounds like an entitled princess who is used to people running around after her.I pity her poor husband because he is married to a nightmare.


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## coquille

NextTimeAround said:


> It's not clear to me what role this woman has in our bf's life. HE could be wanting to date her again. Or just simply he likes drama (yes, some men do) and she's perfect for triangulation.
> 
> Do you know why he broke up with the last one?


I have no access to his last girlfriend. He says that after six weeks together, she figured she was not ready for a relationship. Again, it's his version of the story.


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## coquille

Andy1001 said:


> She sounds like an entitled princess who is used to people running around after her.I pity her poor husband because he is married to a nightmare.


This was my thought yesterday after he said that she makes me feel insecure because she is young and good looking. I told him that she is doing nothing with her life and I feel insulted by being compared to her. 
Anyway, I feel liberated and relieved.


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## NextTimeAround

coquille said:


> I have no access to his last girlfriend. He says that after six weeks together, she figured she was not ready for a relationship. Again, it's his version of the story.


That would suggest that the friend had something to do with it. Ask what'a his longest LTR and whether that wa before or after his friend came on the scene.


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## coquille

NextTimeAround said:


> That would suggest that the friend had something to do with it. Ask what'a his longest LTR and whether that wa before or after his friend came on the scene.


I already broke up with him. I'm just answering questions that had been asked but I didn't get to answer them before. 
He says he knows this friend for ten years now. 
Now that I am thinking about the whole story in retrospect, I am connecting a lot of dots that are confirming that he and this "best friend" are more than friends. At this point I am not really interested in knowing what exactly they are planning. Just feeling relieved.


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## ABHale

coquille said:


> I am grateful for your supportive advice. She does not work and she has no children. I have no idea why. All I know that without her parents pushing her to get a college degree, she wouldn't have gotten this degree, which was paid by her parents btw. She never used this degree, worked odd jobs, and has been jobless since she got married (she has been married for about a year). She says she won't settle for any job, and is looking for a job that she likes.


Of course she is. Maybe she can be an escort, that seems to be something she might be good at. Stroking OM’s ego. Something she enjoys as well. >


----------



## ABHale

coquille said:


> UPDATE: We just had a long talk and he still denies that there is anything besides friendship between the two of them. He tried to argue that the fact he cancelled is proof that he regrets and wants to make things better. To me it's too little too late. When he asked what do you want, I said I want to break up. He tried to convince me that it is all in my head because I am upset. I still insisted on breaking up. I broke up with him. end of story. thank you all for your advice. Very helpful and puts things in perspective.


Good for you. Hope you find a guy that really loves you. Have fun and best wishes.


----------



## Steve2.0

Judge people by their actions, not their words.

People can say anything to try to make you feel/think things according to their agenda. But if you judge them by their actions there is nothing to hide.

So he is TELLING you that he wants to go on double dates, and that he wants to do those activities with you
but his ACTIONS show that he infact does not want any of that to happen

He tells you that he wants to be affectionate towards you
But his actions tell you that he is affectionate towards female #2 and not you


My only advice is to find a way to increase your confidence up to a level where you become a women who doesn't put up with that ****. And that women would most likely drop this guy like its hot.


----------



## Steve2.0

Wow look at you, you broke up with him... Good work


----------



## Steve1000

coquille said:


> UPDATE: We just had a long talk and he still denies that there is anything besides friendship between the two of them. He tried to argue that the fact he cancelled is proof that he regrets and wants to make things better. To me it's too little too late. When he asked what do you want, I said I want to break up. He tried to convince me that it is all in my head because I am upset. I still insisted on breaking up. I broke up with him. end of story. thank you all for your advice. Very helpful and puts things in perspective.


I just want to chime in and say congratulations. Although you probably have moments in which you are second guessing yourself, you just saved yourself a lot of additional grief.


----------



## OnTheFly

Whether or not this dude had already slept with his bestie, he totally was grooming her for #1 position. The OP was just a placeholder until the deed could be accomplished. 

Congrats on avoiding years of misery.


----------



## OnTheFly

BTW, it's great to see a crappy situation resolved so quickly!


----------



## Yeswecan

coquille said:


> This was my thought yesterday after he said that she makes me feel insecure because she is young and good looking.


Comments like that indicate the blow hard thinks highly of his FWB. Making a comparison is a major red flag. Your decision to cut this off is wise.


----------



## Evinrude58

I think you did good. This guy was a black cloud. Likely just using you for emotional support, etc.

Strong move!


----------



## coquille

Thank you all! Without the strong support I received from this community, I probably would have been still lingering on this issue. I got confirmation again and again from everybody on this thread that my doubts are not irrational or baseless. I became more certain that my gut instincts have been right all the way and I should act on them. 

Because we had fights in the past about the same person and the same issue, I am not doubting myself after I broke up with him. Oddly enough, I don't even feel the sadness or the heartbreak; as I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel relieved that this guy is history. All the red flags make sense now and confirm my past discomfort with his "friendship" with this woman. 

If anything, this experience is a learning lesson to trust my gut feelings and not hesitate to follow with action.


----------



## Andy1001

coquille said:


> Thank you all! Without the strong support I received from this community, I probably would have been still lingering on this issue. I got confirmation again and again from everybody on this thread that my doubts are not irrational or baseless. I became more certain that my gut instincts have been right all the way and I should act on them.
> 
> Because we had fights in the past about the same person and the same issue, I am not doubting myself after I broke up with him. Oddly enough, I don't even feel the sadness or the heartbreak; as I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel relieved that this guy is history. All the red flags make sense now and confirm my past discomfort with his "friendship" with this woman.
> 
> If anything, this experience is a learning lesson to trust my gut feelings and not hesitate to follow with action.


When you look back at the fights you had throughout your relationship,the common denominator was her.If your ex had been serious about you he would have recognized this and taken steps to remove her from the equation.Instead you were expected to suck it up and play nice.
You are not a consolation prize and I am delighted that you let him know this in no uncertain terms.
I feel sorry for her husband though.


----------



## coquille

Andy1001 said:


> When you look back at the fights you had throughout your relationship,the common denominator was her.If your ex had been serious about you he would have recognized this and taken steps to remove her from the equation.Instead you were expected to suck it up and play nice.
> You are not a consolation prize and I am delighted that you let him know this in no uncertain terms.
> I feel sorry for her husband though.


Yes, exactly. He did recognize this and promised to take steps to correct the situation. Once he did by having a lot of PDA with me in front of her. What he couldn't do was sharing things about her with me. He was comfortable talking about the rest of his friends and their problems and life stories, but not her, even though I asked him expressly to do so because I wanted to feel comfortable about their friendship. His lack of transparency, and the fact that he informed me about their meeting after going silent about her for a long period of time raised my suspicions. He cancelled that meeting but he did not sound like he was validating my suspicions. When, during out last talk, he compared me to her I ended it. 

I have the same thoughts about the husband, and I am so tempted to contact him through his social media account to let him know. I don't think I'll do though. I just don't feel comfortable doing this. He'll eventually find out on his own. One thing I know for sure now is that he does not allow his wife to be alone with my ex; she tells him that she meets the two of us when she comes over. He should question the fact that he never met me.


----------



## Keke24

coquille said:


> Yes, exactly. He did recognize this and promised to take steps to correct the situation. Once he did by having a lot of PDA with me in front of her. What he couldn't do was sharing things about her with me. He was comfortable talking about the rest of his friends and their problems and life stories, but not her, even though I asked him expressly to do so because I wanted to feel comfortable about their friendship. His lack of transparency, and the fact that he informed me about their meeting after going silent about her for a long period of time raised my suspicions. He cancelled that meeting but he did not sound like he was validating my suspicions. When, during out last talk, he compared me to her I ended it.
> 
> *I have the same thoughts about the husband, and I am so tempted to contact him through his social media account to let him know. I don't think I'll do though. I just don't feel comfortable doing this. He'll eventually find out on his own. One thing I know for sure now is that he does not allow his wife to be alone with my ex; she tells him that she meets the two of us when she comes over. He should question the fact that he never met me.*


I agree with your decision to stay away. Their relationship is not your problem. Her husband's poor boundaries and conflict avoidance are not your problem. Good riddance.

The fact that he pointed out her youth/beauty just goes to show that he himself thinks she special above others (including you) in these two categories. PALEASE. What is sad is that he clearly doesn't realize that these two things that he finds so attractive about her/she emphasizes about herself, are guaranteed to fade. 

I join the others in saying kudos to you for refusing to lower your standards to the ground for this guy.


----------



## sa58

Glad to hear you have dumped him.
You deserve way better and you can
do better. Trust your gut instinct.
Never let anyone disrespect you 
like this.


----------



## TRy

coquille said:


> One thing I know for sure now is that he does not allow his wife to be alone with my ex; she tells him that she meets the two of us when she comes over.


Wait, so the meeting with just the two of them getting together, that your ex called off because you were not comfortable with it, was being done with both of them planning to lie to her husband that you were supposedly there? The true nature of your ex's relationship with the OW is against the OW's marital boundaries, so they sneak around behind her husband's back complete with lies? If they have no problem lying to the OW's husband about their relationship, this confirms that they would have no problem lying to you about it either. This also confirms that when your ex told you that the OW’s husband was OK with their relationship, he was lying to you; I am also guessing that they have been telling him that you were OK with it too.

This changes everything. I now feel that you need to tell the husband that you broke up with the ex because you were uncomfortable with them meeting alone. State just this fact and nothing else, with nothing emotional. He has a right to know. If the situation were reversed you would want to know before you had children with them.


----------



## coquille

TRy said:


> Wait, so the meeting with just the two of them getting together, that your ex called off because you were not comfortable with it, was being done with both of them planning to lie to her husband that you were supposedly there? The true nature of your ex's relationship with the OW is against the OW's marital boundaries, so they sneak around behind her husband's back complete with lies? If they have no problem lying to the OW's husband about their relationship, this confirms that they would have no problem lying to you about it either. This also confirms that when your ex told you that the OW’s husband was OK with their relationship, he was lying to you; I am also guessing that they have been telling him that you were OK with it too.
> 
> This changes everything. *I now feel that you need to tell the husband that you broke up with the ex because you were uncomfortable with them meeting alone. State just this fact and nothing else, with nothing emotional. He has a right to know. *If the situation were reversed you would want to know before you had children with them.


Yes, this is what is happening. 
On telling the husband, I tend to agree with you, but I am still hesitating to contact him. I mean, he knows this woman and my ex for several years now, and he married her a year ago. I was able to figure out their game in six months, but how come he missed the signs of her infidelity and married her? I know that she must have a reason to marry him and not my ex (whatever that reason might be), and she has been carrying this affair with my ex for a long time. My question is why hasn't he cut off ties with this man if he is not letting his wife meet him alone? He is ok meeting him with her, or knowing that I am present (when I am in fact not present). 

What I also know for sure is that when she first met this guy who became her husband, she was in a relationship and he was married. He divorced his wife and then married her. 

I know I should not be bothering myself with their story, but looking now at their own relationship, it sounds like it started with cheating on their previous partners/spouses.


----------



## syhoybenden

coquille said:


> but how come he missed the signs of her infidelity and married her?



Because he is a much of a victim of her gaslighting as you were a victim of your ex's gaslighting.


----------



## ABHale

coquille said:


> Yes, this is what is happening.
> On telling the husband, I tend to agree with you, but I am still hesitating to contact him. I mean, he knows this woman and my ex for several years now, and he married her a year ago. I was able to figure out their game in six months, but how come he missed the signs of her infidelity and married her? I know that she must have a reason to marry him and not my ex (whatever that reason might be), and she has been carrying this affair with my ex for a long time. My question is why hasn't he cut off ties with this man if he is not letting his wife meet him alone? He is ok meeting him with her, or knowing that I am present (when I am in fact not present).
> 
> What I also know for sure is that when she first met this guy who became her husband, she was in a relationship and he was married. He divorced his wife and then married her.
> 
> I know I should not be bothering myself with their story, but looking now at their own relationship, it sounds like it started with cheating on their previous partners/spouses.


If you can get a hold of her husband simply tell him that you broke up with your bf because he couldn’t be transparent with the relationship he has with your wife. Just warning you.


----------



## Roselyn

OP, after hearing that your ex's OW was a mistress of her current husband, there is no need to warn him. He knows that his present wife is a cheater. He cheated with her and wrecked his marriage. They are two of the same. As for your ex, good riddance! Good for you to walk out of this situation.


----------



## coquille

Roselyn said:


> OP, after hearing that your ex's OW was a mistress of her current husband, there is no need to warn him. He knows that his present wife is a cheater. He cheated with her and wrecked his marriage. They are two of the same. As for your ex, good riddance! Good for you to walk out of this situation.


Thank you for your input. I have not contacted him, but thinking that they are working on getting pregnant, and that on our first meeting she gave me a lot of lessons in friendship and how her husband is supportive and completely fine with her meeting my ex, I can't stop thinking that it might be better that he learns about their affair. Don't know...


----------



## Prodigal

Can you verify your now ex-bf and his "friend" are having an actual physical affair?


----------



## coquille

Prodigal said:


> Can you verify your now ex-bf and his "friend" are having an actual physical affair?


I can't. But now I am more inclined to think that they have one. 

Usually it's the following:

She comes over to his place. They visit places sometimes, but they always have dinner together at her favorite restaurant and come to his place after dinner. He says they watch Netflix. She leaves his place late in the night (around midnight) and drives back home. I cannot verify what they do at his place, but I don't think she spends the entire night there.

My ex texted me yesterday saying that he agrees to the request I had made Tuesday evening. He tried to call me three times. I didn't pick up. I texted him back asking him to state clearly my request in text before we can talk (my request was: you are not to see this woman alone before I meet her husband). He answered that my request is: that all four of us should get together. He obviously omitted the part where he is not to meet with her. When I asked him to write the complete request, he claimed that he forgot anything else I had requested. When I wrote the missing part he never answered again. My final text was: "This is what I thought. Her husband has no idea that you two hang out together alone. I bet he doesn't even know that I was out of town last weekend when you two were together". (I found out by myself that they were together; he had told me that he spent the entire day until late evening with a male friend from college whom I never met). He never responded to this text either.


----------



## OnTheFly

Please don't tell me you're considering taking this guy back?


----------



## coquille

OnTheFly said:


> Please don't tell me you're considering taking this guy back?


NO! Not at all!!!! I had made my request the day before I broke up with him. Since he offered to agree to my request yesterday (which is two days after the breakup), I wanted to see if he would admit by writing to meeting her (which he had no problem admitting in conversation). He didn't, which confirmed to me yet one more time that he doesn't want to leave any written trace or proof of their meeting alone. Which confirms to me again that the husband knows nothing of these meetings.


----------



## OnTheFly

Great!


----------



## coquille




----------



## Kamstel

Would you consider reaching out to her poor husband and tell him about your concerns?

I know that it is no longer your circus, but every partner needs and should know if they are being cheated upon

I’m sure it hurts, but congratulations on getting out of that relationship


----------



## ABHale

coquille said:


> Thank you for your input. I have not contacted him, but thinking that they are working on getting pregnant, and that on our first meeting she gave me a lot of lessons in friendship and how her husband is supportive and completely fine with her meeting my ex, I can't stop thinking that it might be better that he learns about their affair. Don't know...


If they are trying to start a family, let him know what has happened. No child needs to be brought into that mess.


----------



## coquille

Kamstel said:


> Would you consider reaching out to her poor husband and tell him about your concerns?
> 
> I know that it is no longer your circus, but every partner needs and should know if they are being cheated upon
> 
> *I’m sure it hurts, but congratulations on getting out of that relationship*


Thank you!
I am probably going to contact him. I hope she doesn't have access to his facebook account, because if she does, she would be now waiting for a message from me, so that she can delete it before he sees it.


----------



## coquille

ABHale said:


> If they are trying to start a family, let him know what has happened. No child needs to be brought into that mess.


You're probably right. I should write him. Thank you.


----------



## Prodigal

coquille said:


> She comes over to his place. They visit places sometimes, but they always have dinner together at her favorite restaurant and come to his place after dinner. He says they watch Netflix. She leaves his place late in the night (around midnight) and drives back home. I cannot verify what they do at his place, but I don't think she spends the entire night there.


Wow. Just. Wow. For the sake of argument, let's just say nothing goes on. Even if that was the case, this is so inappropriate, it boggles the mind. This woman's husband must have lost his cajones when he said "I do." No need to verify what they do - this married woman is going on dates with your ex!


----------



## EleGirl

coquille said:


> I know that she must have a reason to marry him and not my ex (whatever that reason might be),


Does her husband earn more than your ex-bf? Does he have more assets?

She may have chosen to marry the more stable guy but keep the more fun one on the side. 



coquille said:


> My question is why hasn't he cut off ties with this man if he is not letting his wife meet him alone? He is ok meeting him with her, or knowing that I am present (when I am in fact not present).


She might be telling her husband that she is meeting with him and you. You might just be the 'cover' that he has used to carry on his affair with her.

If she is going to his home to watch movies, alone with him, they are almost certainly sexually involved. Adult men and women do not hang out like that without sex being involved.



coquille said:


> What I also know for sure is that when she first met this guy who became her husband, she was in a relationship and he was married. He divorced his wife and then married her.


This makes sense.



coquille said:


> I know I should not be bothering myself with their story, but looking now at their own relationship, it sounds like it started with cheating on their previous partners/spouses.


Yes, you should not be thinking too much about them. You broke up and now need to move on. If you tell her husband do it in the next few days. Then drop it. Your now ex-bf is taking up too much space in your head.


----------



## EleGirl

coquille said:


> You're probably right. I should write him. Thank you.


Make sure that you tell her husband that when your ex-bf and his wife go out, it's just the two of them. Let him know that you are never with them. And let him know that your ex-bf and she go to his house to hang out after their dinner date.


----------



## coquille

EleGirl said:


> Does her husband earn more than your ex-bf? Does he have more assets?
> 
> She may have chosen to marry the more stable guy but keep the more fun one on the side.
> 
> 
> 
> She might be telling her husband that she is meeting with him and you. You might just be the 'cover' that he has used to carry on his affair with her.
> 
> If she is going to his home to watch movies, alone with him, they are almost certainly sexually involved. Adult men and women do not hang out like that without sex being involved.
> 
> 
> This makes sense.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, you should not be thinking too much about them. You broke up and now need to move on. If you tell her husband do it in the next few days. Then drop it. Your now ex-bf is taking up too much space in your head.


Actually her husband is a college dropout and works odd jobs. My ex makes a lot more than her husband. There is no way her husband can afford to take her to places and restaurants on a regular basis. 

Thank you for the advice. I am going to contact him shortly, and I'll include the details you mentioned. 

I'll post an update when/if I have one.


----------



## TRy

coquille said:


> they always have dinner together at her favorite restaurant and come to his place after dinner. He says they watch Netflix. She leaves his place late in the night (around midnight).


 If you Google “Urban Dictionary netflix and chill” you will see that in the Urban Dictionary this is “code for two people going to each others houses and ****ing or doing other sexual related acts”.


----------



## NextTimeAround

TRy said:


> If you Google “Urban Dictionary netflix and chill” you will see that in the Urban Dictionary this is “code for two people going to each others houses and ****ing or doing other sexual related acts”.


It used to be "Pizza and video" date but I gues that phrase went the way of Blockbuster Video.


----------



## TRy

NextTimeAround said:


> It used to be "Pizza and video" date but I gues that phrase went the way of Blockbuster Video.


The meaning of “Netflix and chill” is so well understood that the Urban Dictionary gives the following example:

Brad: "Hey Julia wanna come over and watch Netflix and chill" 
Julia: "Sure I'll pick up the condoms" 
Brad: "Wait I thought we were just gonna watch Netflix and chill?" 
Julia: "Netflix and Chill means we ****, dumbass"


----------



## coquille

TRy said:


> If you Google “Urban Dictionary netflix and chill” you will see that in the Urban Dictionary this is “code for two people going to each others houses and ****ing or doing other sexual related acts”.


I know this expression. It came to my mind when he told me they "just watch a movie on Netflix," and yet I let it happen. I was told that the husband is OK with it, and I was waiting to meet that husband, but this meeting never materialized. At that point I stopped letting them have these get together/dates. It doesn't mean that they were not spending time together without letting me know about it. I used to see my ex twice a week only.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

coquille,

You rock! You have handled this well and have great instincts, and more importantly, listen to those instincts. Unfortunately, It's always surprising when someone does everything right in quick fashion. Keep up the good work, and let us know what her hubby has to say, should be interesting. A phone call or visit at one of his odd jobs may be more efficient than FB.


----------



## MattMatt

coquille said:


> UPDATE: We just had a long talk and he still denies that there is anything besides friendship between the two of them. He tried to argue that the fact he cancelled is proof that he regrets and wants to make things better. To me it's too little too late. When he asked what do you want, I said I want to break up. He tried to convince me that it is all in my head because I am upset. I still insisted on breaking up. I broke up with him. end of story. thank you all for your advice. Very helpful and puts things in perspective.


Congratulations, @coquille.

This is what he is left with, because he is her mark.


----------



## coquille

MattMatt said:


> Congratulations, @coquille.
> 
> This is what he is left with, because he is her mark.


Thank you. I received amazing support from this community.


----------



## coquille

Rubix Cubed said:


> coquille,
> 
> You rock! You have handled this well and have great instincts, and more importantly, listen to those instincts. Unfortunately, It's always surprising when someone does everything right in quick fashion. Keep up the good work, and let us know what her hubby has to say, should be interesting. A phone call or visit at one of his odd jobs may be more efficient than FB.


Thank you. I wrote him. I'll post an update if he responds.


----------



## moon7

coquille said:


> We have been together for six months now and getting along great except for one thing. He has introduced me to some of his friends. The first of his friends that I met is his female "best friend". She is married. The first time the three of us got together so that I can meet her, he treated her better than he treated me. He didn't even touch me or kiss me in her presence. We almost broke up because of this.
> 
> They have not met many times, but when they meet they do activities that he does not do with me. He always says he wants to do them with me, but somehow he "forgets" to. They both said they want us to go out for a double date with her husband, but somehow it never worked out, so I have not met her husband. What bothers me more is that my BF pays for her when they go out, he paid her trips in the past, and God knows what he pays for, because she doesn't work.
> 
> He acknowledged that he treated me poorly and wants to make amends and says he loves me, so I gave him a chance and asked him to be transparent about their friendship so that I feel comfortable around her. Since then, he never mentioned her or any of her news, even though they regularly communicate and text. His birthday is coming up and hers too. They made arrangements to celebrate their birthdays together without me or her husband present.
> 
> My suspicion is that he has already bought a gift for her and want to spend the evening with her. They picked the day of the week I am most busy and cannot join. He didn't insist I join either; just mentioned it in passing. We have not celebrated his birthday yet; it's in a week. Am I overreacting for wanting him to myself? He always says I am the one, but it looks to me that I am sharing him with this friend who keeps him around her.
> 
> He has several female friends and has met with them without me, and I feel fine about them because he shares with me their stories; it's just he never shares anything about this particular friend, even after me asking him to do so. I am thinking of ending things with him because he has consistently disregarded my feelings about this after many promises to correct his behavior.


If it were me I would have broken up. Its weird, to say the least.


----------



## moon7

After I read everything I can only congratulate you from moving on from the toxic couple.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

MattMatt said:


> Congratulations, @coquille.
> 
> This is what he is left with, because he is her mark.



She ain't much of a gold digger only flashing ten bucks, maybe an aluminum digger. :laugh:


----------



## TRy

Rubix Cubed said:


> She ain't much of a gold digger only flashing ten bucks, maybe an aluminum digger. :laugh:


Good catch. You are right saying that "She ain't much of a gold digger only flashing ten bucks", and it not even a $10 dollar but two $5 dollars bills, so it is side change. It making that photo, they could not even get someone to lend them anything bigger like a couple of $100 bills or even two $20 dollar bills? :grin2:


----------



## coquille

UPDATE: I contacted the husband on Facebook. Sent him a message on messenger. The message was never delivered. Usually it goes to "Other" folder when the sender is not on the recipient's friend's list. I sent him a friend request to draw his attention. I got nothing from him. He didn't accept or decline the request. Same for the message. 

I looked for his cell phone number online and found it. I texted him yesterday and made sure to text him also on WhatsApp so that I can verify that he opened the text. The text was delivered, but not opened. At the end of the text, I mentioned that I had written him on Facebook. I checked today the Facebook message, and saw that he did not accept the message.

I am pretty sure he received the text via text messaging. Complete silence. I might text him again tomorrow the same text and then ask him to confirm that he read the message, so that I can move on. What else can I do to make sure he knows? 

I have no idea about his relationship to his wife, and whether she has passwords to his accounts or cell phone.


----------



## sa58

Her husband may know or not care about what ever is going on.
If she stays out late at night he must know something. If your EX
BF has been pursuing her for such a long time and she married 
someone else then he is not really that bright either. This situation 
sounds like a toxic mess and you should not become involved any
further. If you tried to contact the husband then you tried. You have 
not lost anything but are free from a toxic mess. As stated before 
you can and will do a lot better. Some things can not be fixed.

MOVE ON and let them suffer together, it sounds like they want it 
the way it is. Sorry but time to move on and live your life to the 
fullest Be happy and loved by someone deserving. Not this 
group of misfits.


----------



## coquille

sa58 said:


> Her husband may know or not care about what ever is going on.
> If she stays out late at night he must know something. If your EX
> BF has been pursuing her for such a long time and she married
> someone else then he is not really that bright either. This situation
> sounds like a toxic mess and you should not become involved any
> further. If you tried to contact the husband then you tried. You have
> not lost anything but are free from a toxic mess. As stated before
> you can and will do a lot better. Some things can not be fixed.
> 
> MOVE ON and let them suffer together, it sounds like they want it
> the way it is. Sorry but time to move on and live your life to the
> fullest Be happy and loved by someone deserving. Not this
> group of misfits.


I agree. Now that I am sure he read at least one of the messages I sent, I can forget about them. I am not sure he knows about their dates, though. He works in a restaurant that closes at 1:30 am, located around 60 miles from where they live. Also, if he were aware of their affair, they would not try to convince me to be ok with their meetings. 

I know I am still obsessing to understand the why and the how, but now that I am at peace that I let the husband know about them, I'll be able erase them from my mind.

Thanks for your response.


----------



## sa58

Since you have tried to do the right thing
and this situation bothered you so much.
There is a young man out there who would
love to meet someone like you. 

Go find him before someone like your 
EX BF, whatever she is ruins him

Best of luck Respect is a must thou.


----------



## OnTheFly

coquille said:


> UPDATE: I contacted the husband on Facebook. Sent him a message on messenger. The message was never delivered. Usually it goes to "Other" folder when the sender is not on the recipient's friend's list. I sent him a friend request to draw his attention. I got nothing from him. He didn't accept or decline the request. Same for the message.
> 
> I looked for his cell phone number online and found it. I texted him yesterday and made sure to text him also on WhatsApp so that I can verify that he opened the text. The text was delivered, but not opened. At the end of the text, I mentioned that I had written him on Facebook. I checked today the Facebook message, and saw that he did not accept the message.
> 
> I am pretty sure he received the text via text messaging. Complete silence. I might text him again tomorrow the same text and then ask him to confirm that he read the message, so that I can move on. What else can I do to make sure he knows?
> 
> I have no idea about his relationship to his wife, and whether she has passwords to his accounts or cell phone.


Totally reasonable effort….now shake the dust off your feet and carry on.


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## coquille

UPDATE: The husband replied, accusing me of being a duplicitous person, of hurting him and his wife with my baseless accusations. Basically he says that he trusts completely his wife, with whom he is trying to conceive a child, and he feels sad for me because I have insinuated that she is leading a double life behind his back. He also praises my ex for always paying for them whenever they go out.


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## Cynthia

You knew this was a possible response. He did not accept it, but that's okay. That is completely up to him. Whether or not you did the right thing is not determined by the response you got. You did the right thing despite his acceptance of their relationship. Now you are done. Move away from that train wreck and be glad you left when you did.



coquille said:


> UPDATE: The husband replied, accusing me of being a duplicitous person, of hurting him and his wife with my baseless accusations. Basically he says that he trusts completely his wife, with whom he is trying to conceive a child, and he feels sad for me because I have insinuated that she is leading a double life behind his back. He also praises my ex for always paying for them whenever they go out.


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## Andy1001

Rubix Cubed said:


> She ain't much of a gold digger only flashing ten bucks, maybe an aluminum digger. :laugh:


She’s not hot enough to be a gold digger.


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## sa58

So now he knows and seems completely happy with 
whatever it is. You tried doing the right thing.
Move on now.


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## eric1

Very common response. You did the right thing and can hold your head up high. Move on.


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## stro

Time to bow out and leave him to it.


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## Prodigal

coquille said:


> UPDATE: The husband replied, accusing me of being a duplicitous person, of hurting him and his wife with my baseless accusations.


Denial. It can run very deep in some people. You took the high road and did the right thing. Consider it a learning experience.


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## coquille

I replied to him without making any accusations at him like he did towards me. I tried to be very rational and objective. I told him that I did the right thing, my conscience is clear, and that I expected his reaction. I also said that there is no need for us to pursue more communication. End of story. Now I can move on in a healthy way. 

Again and again, thank you all for your support!


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## OnTheFly

Wow, good luck to that fellow! Head in sand much?


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## Rubix Cubed

Do not waste one second's thought on his response. You did the right thing, and it sounds like he's OK pimpin' his wife out as long as he gets some free food and stuff.


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## Rubix Cubed

Andy1001 said:


> She’s not hot enough to be a gold digger.


 Looks OK to me.


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## TRy

coquille said:


> UPDATE: The husband replied, accusing me of being a duplicitous person, of hurting him and his wife with my baseless accusations.


 How could he say that you were making baseless accusations, if all that you said was that after dinner where it was always just the two of them, the two of them would go over to his house alone to watch Netflix until late at night, and that you were telling him this because your ex told you that his wife was falsely telling him that you were with them when you never were? If you said more than that, then you gave him a way out that allows him an excuse to continue to stick his head in the sand.


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## coquille

TRy said:


> How could he say that you were making baseless accusations, if all that you said was that after dinner where it was always just the two of them, the two of them would go over to his house alone to watch Netflix until late at night, and that you were telling him this because your ex told you that his wife was falsely telling him that you were with them when you never were? If you said more than that, then you gave him a way out that allows him an excuse to continue to stick his head in the sand.


Yeah, I mentioned to the husband that I was told that he is OK with their meetings that ended in my ex's place late at night. I also said that I broke up because of my ex's lack of transparency regarding his relationship with the wife. He took it as an indirect accusation of his wife's infidelity. 
My ex never told me that the wife was falsely telling her husband that I was with them. You can get a clearer picture of the issue by reading earlier posts.
Re: the Netflix thing, he said that I should be humble and join others who live in the 21st century who hang out with their exes and friends while married and their spouses are completely fine with it. He reiterated that he is supportive of her hanging out late with my ex at his place.


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## coquille

Rubix Cubed said:


> Do not waste one second's thought on his response. You did the right thing, and it sounds like he's OK pimpin' his wife out as long as he gets some free food and stuff.


This is what he basically said. That he appreciates the generosity of my ex.


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## ABHale

coquille said:


> UPDATE: The husband replied, accusing me of being a duplicitous person, of hurting him and his wife with my baseless accusations. Basically he says that he trusts completely his wife, with whom he is trying to conceive a child, and he feels sad for me because I have insinuated that she is leading a double life behind his back. He also praises my ex for always paying for them whenever they go out.


No real surprise with his reaction. 

Just send one more message if you want. I warned you, my conscience is clear. 

You did all you could. Time to lay everything to rest.


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## jlg07

@coquille, congrats to you. You did the right thing irrespective of his response. Your conscience is clear, you dodged the bullet, and you learned what you are willing to put up with. Learning one of your boundaries is what you got from the relationship, so not a total loss. This will just help you in finding your next one...
Great job.


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## ABHale

coquille said:


> I replied to him without making any accusations at him like he did towards me. I tried to be very rational and objective. I told him that I did the right thing, my conscience is clear, and that I expected his reaction. I also said that there is no need for us to pursue more communication. End of story. Now I can move on in a healthy way.
> 
> Again and again, thank you all for your support!


Wow, luck is the man that wins your heart. I hope he realizes it. 

:allhail:


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## ABHale

coquille said:


> Yeah, I mentioned to the husband that I was told that he is OK with their meetings that ended in my ex's place late at night. I also said that I broke up because of my ex's lack of transparency regarding his relationship with the wife. He took it as an indirect accusation of his wife's infidelity.
> My ex never told me that the wife was falsely telling her husband that I was with them. You can get a clearer picture of the issue by reading earlier posts.
> Re: the Netflix thing, he said that I should be humble and join others who live in the 21st century who hang out with their exes and friends while married and their spouses are completely fine with it. He reiterated that he is supportive of her hanging out late with my ex at his place.


Not infidelity if he knows. I think the husband gave himself away and knows exactly what is going on.


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## coquille

ABHale said:


> No real surprise with his reaction.
> 
> *Just send one more message if you want. I warned you, my conscience is clear.*
> 
> You did all you could. Time to lay everything to rest.


In my last text, I told him there is no need for further communication between us. If I send another text, I'll be opening the door for him to hurl more accusations my way, and I am not sure I can handle more from him. It was frankly distressing to read his text. 

When I sent my last text, I was expecting that he would have blocked me. He didn't. My text got through. Which means indirectly that he was awaiting my response. As I mentioned in an earlier post, when he and his current wife met, he was married and she was engaged. He is no stranger to infidelity.


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## TRy

coquille said:


> My ex never told me that the wife was falsely telling her husband that I was with them. You can get a clearer picture of the issue by reading earlier posts.


 Actually I did read your earlier posts and you did state that his "wife was falsely telling her husband" that you were "with them". Specifically you stated in post #60 on this thread that "One thing I know for sure now is that he does not allow his wife to be alone with my ex; she tells him that she meets the two of us when she comes over."



coquille said:


> Re: the Netflix thing, he said that I should be humble and join others who live in the 21st century who hang out with their exes and friends while married and their spouses are completely fine with it.


 Actually, many couples in the 21st century have boundaries that do not allow for opposite sex friends (OSF), with most that allow for OSF not allowing exs as OSF. This is the norm and not the acception. To each his own.


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## Prodigal

coquille said:


> ... he said that I should be humble and join others who live in the 21st century who hang out with their exes and friends while married and their spouses are completely fine with it. He reiterated that he is supportive of her hanging out late with my ex at his place.


Yeah, right ... the jerk should get a load of all the 21st century folks posting on the Coping with Infidelity forum on TAM. They don't find it acceptable that exes are/were hanging out with "friends." Look, I can understand that you are bummed by this idiot's response to you, but take it with a huge grain of salt. 

And there are TONS of us here that this "21st century" man would consider fossils because we ascribe to the philosophy that our partners shouldn't hang out with exes. Again, this dude is living in the laa-laa land of major denial.

You dodged a bullet with this. Be grateful and move on.


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## coquille

TRy said:


> Actually I did read your earlier posts and you did state that his "wife was falsely telling her husband" that you were "with them". *Specifically you stated in post #60 on this thread that "One thing I know for sure now is that he does not allow his wife to be alone with my ex; she tells him that she meets the two of us when she comes over."*
> 
> Actually, many couples in the 21st century have boundaries that do not allow for opposite sex friends (OSF), with most that allow for OSF not allowing exs as OSF. This is the norm and not the acception. To each his own.


I became sure of this fact after my ex refused to acknowledge in writing that they meet alone. He also never answered me when I told him that the husband doesn't know that I was out of town when they were hanging out alone (that one was two weeks ago, and the husband told me in his text that they have not seen each other for more than a month). 

Yeah, I know a lot of young couples who are not fine with their spouses/partners watching Netflix late into the night at a friend's house.


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## TRy

coquille said:


> As I mentioned in an earlier post, when he and his current wife met, he was married and she was engaged.


 I guess that he was so busy telling his ex during his affair with his now wife that they should trust them not to cheat as he and his affair partners (now wife) were just friends, that he started to believe his own bull. I am also guessing the he never heard the saying that if they can cheat with you, they can cheat on you.


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## coquille

Rubix Cubed said:


> Do not waste one second's thought on his response. You did the right thing, and it sounds like he's OK pimpin' his wife out as long as he gets some free food and stuff.


Thank you. Looks very much like that's what's happening between them.


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## coquille

jlg07 said:


> @coquille, congrats to you. You did the right thing irrespective of his response. Your conscience is clear, you dodged the bullet, and you learned what you are willing to put up with. Learning one of your boundaries is what you got from the relationship, so not a total loss. This will just help you in finding your next one...
> Great job.


Yes, exactly. Also, as you and @Prodigal said, it's a learning experience. Thank you!


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## Roselyn

coquille said:


> In my last text, I told him there is no need for further communication between us. If I send another text, I'll be opening the door for him to hurl more accusations my way, and I am not sure I can handle more from him. It was frankly distressing to read his text.
> 
> When I sent my last text, I was expecting that he would have blocked me. He didn't. My text got through. Which means indirectly that he was awaiting my response. As I mentioned in an earlier post, when he and his current wife met, he was married and she was engaged. He is no stranger to infidelity.


He and his wife are both cheaters. She is cheating again and he is more than happy to have another man support and pay for a lifestyle that he cannot afford for his wife. Move on with your life and take the high road. Your ex is no catch. These people are toxic. Do not continue to communicate with this husband of the OW. He is abusive and taking his anger on you instead of his cheating wife. He is in denial. All you'll get are insults. Be done with this circus!


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## ABHale

coquille said:


> In my last text, I told him there is no need for further communication between us. If I send another text, I'll be opening the door for him to hurl more accusations my way, and I am not sure I can handle more from him. It was frankly distressing to read his text.
> 
> When I sent my last text, I was expecting that he would have blocked me. He didn't. My text got through. Which means indirectly that he was awaiting my response. As I mentioned in an earlier post, when he and his current wife met, he was married and she was engaged. He is no stranger to infidelity.


I didn’t read far enough when I posted this. You had already done what I suggested.


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## BruceBanner

coquille said:


> UPDATE: The husband replied, accusing me of being a duplicitous person, of hurting him and his wife with my baseless accusations. Basically he says that he trusts completely his wife, with whom he is trying to conceive a child, and he feels sad for me because I have insinuated that she is leading a double life behind his back. He also praises my ex for always paying for them whenever they go out.


He's in denial. He doesn't want to accept that the women he sacrificed the relationship with his ex-wife for is deceiving him. Even though she was willing to get involved with a married man.


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## Diana7

BruceBanner said:


> He's in denial. He doesn't want to accept that the women he sacrificed the relationship with his ex-wife for is deceiving him. Even though she was willing to get involved with a married man.


Anyone who has cheated with a married man once will do it again. Surely he knows that?


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## coquille

BruceBanner said:


> He's in denial. He doesn't want to accept that the women he sacrificed the relationship with his ex-wife for is deceiving him. Even though she was willing to get involved with a married man.


Yeah, I was (and still am) bothered by his accusations and insults, but I understand why he is doing this. He prefers to project everything on me instead of taking a pause and reflecting and investigating what his wife is doing behind his back with a man he had thought is a good family friend.


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## coquille

Diana7 said:


> Anyone who has cheated with a married man once will do it again. Surely he knows that?


I agree, he must have this nagging doubt in the back of his mind, but he doesn't want to admit it. And I think this accounts partly for his violent response to me.


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## Andy1001

coquille said:


> I agree, he must have this nagging doubt in the back of his mind, but he doesn't want to admit it. And I think this accounts partly for his violent response to me.


Repeat this mantra three times a day.
Not my circus,not my clowns.
Not my circus,not my clowns.
Not my circus,not my clowns.
And then forget about this bunch of losers and move on with your life.


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## coquille

Andy1001 said:


> Repeat this mantra three times a day.
> Not my circus,not my clowns.
> Not my circus,not my clowns.
> Not my circus,not my clowns.
> And then forget about this bunch of losers and move on with your life.


Good advice, thanks! I did move on with my life, but sometimes triggers bring back this guys's insults.


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## Rick Blaine

Coquille,
Excellent job handling this situation, and you get an A+. Not that real life is a report card, but as we see here on TAM a lot of people put up with cardinal indiscretions that they shouldn't. You established clear, healthy boundaries and enforced them right away, and then you followed your conscience by alerting the other man to what was happening. You handled that perfectly too. That is all too rare. Congratulations on being a quick study.

I can understand why you are still bothered by the other woman's husband's hostile response. Twenty-five years ago, my exwife was having secret phone conversations with a guy who was a mutual friend. When she admitted to me this was happening I went to his workplace the next day and told him to stay away from my wife. He immediately told his wife preemting me. She was livid with me for confronting his m and she lived in denial. That was the last time We ever talked to any of them.

But we learned after that that her husband was a rogue and a charmer, and he very successfully used the same script on a lot of different women. It worked, but his wife finally woke up and divorced him. I still remember her raw anger directed at me-not her husband- twenty-five years later. It no longer bothers me, but it taught me an important lesson about the weaker side of our human nature.

You are in a good place, and you have strong principles that will fortify you future relationship.


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## seadoug105

I'm sorry if I am a bit late... but I just caught up on your thread.... I commend you for standing tall and choosing to take the action needed to get out of infidelity.

Reaching out to the OW's husband was & is the right thing to do... I say *IS* intentionally, because I'm not sure your messages actually got to him...

Based on what you have said.... granted I don't know what your initial message was to him, but this doesn't sound like the kind of response that he would be sending to you... or that any man would be sending.... to me it seems that this is something that the OW might have intercepted and responded to... I know a lot of dudes like myself have pretty much checked out of Facebook... some guys let their wives manage it others (like myself) just have their wives "tag" them on images so their "friends" can see...



coquille said:


> UPDATE: The husband replied, accusing me of being a duplicitous person, of hurting him and his wife with my baseless accusations.
> so his first response is to attack you, and declare the accusations as baseless. If this were really him replying do you honestly think he would _really_ consider them *baseless* if your ex felt strongly enough that he would never acknowledge in text that they had evenings without you... if this husband were under the impression & expected you were on their "dates" with them, then he wouldn't consider the change in material facts baseless accusations...
> 
> Basically he says that he trusts completely his wife,
> If this were true than why would your ex not be willing to acknowledge that they would meet together in his apt alone...
> 
> 
> with whom he is trying to conceive a child,
> this just seems odd to me, that her husband who had know issue cheating on his last wife, seems to put such an emphasis on "trying to conceive" ... that just sounds like a card a wife would play ... to me I just feel he would have played it differently. Especially since cheating is in both of their histories... Most men would be MORE concerned with this information, because of the fear "what if it's not my kid"...
> 
> and he feels sad for me because I have insinuated that she is leading a double life behind his back.
> Pity, is the emotion he has for this woman he sees trying to "hurt" he and his wife... not rage or anger.... Pity is an emotion someone who knew you were a proud woman that stand on her own two feet might use.... Pity is an emotion someone might convey if they knew it would bother you, make you feel crappy and go away... someone like the OW....
> 
> He also praises my ex for always paying for them whenever they go out.
> So he praised your ex, for treating his family as a charity case... not many men worth a gallon of dog piss would consider another man, taking his wife out for the night hanging out to the late hours of the night as being generous.... but I have heard many women that try to make excuses for another man paying for their meals/movies/concerts/etc as them just being "generous" when I actuality it was either a full on date or at least the guy thought it was.. not many men Would consider them paying for everything "generousity" ... unless the dude is LOADED, and not really even then....



The most important thing is that you need to live the best life you can live. The best revenge is a life well lived!

When it comes to OBS, do what ever you must, but I think either message was intercepted or she talked away all the details before you heard back from him... at the same time it's kinda like KARMA catching up to him...


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## coquille

Rick Blaine said:


> Coquille,
> Excellent job handling this situation, and you get an A+. Not that real life is a report card, but as we see here on TAM a lot of people put up with cardinal indiscretions that they shouldn't. You established clear, healthy boundaries and enforced them right away, and then you followed your conscience by alerting the other man to what was happening. You handled that perfectly too. That is all too rare. Congratulations on being a quick study.
> 
> I can understand why you are still bothered by the other woman's husband's hostile response. Twenty-five years ago, my exwife was having secret phone conversations with a guy who was a mutual friend. When she admitted to me this was happening I went to his workplace the next day and told him to stay away from my wife. He immediately told his wife preemting me. She was livid with me for confronting his m and she lived in denial. That was the last time We ever talked to any of them.
> 
> But we learned after that that her husband was a rogue and a charmer, and he very successfully used the same script on a lot of different women. It worked, but his wife finally woke up and divorced him. I still remember her raw anger directed at me-not her husband- twenty-five years later. It no longer bothers me, but it taught me an important lesson about the weaker side of our human nature.
> 
> You are in a good place, and you have strong principles that will fortify you future relationship.


Thank you for your kind words. I do think that cheaters rarely win; they are broken people, and one day or another they will get caught. Good for you getting out of a marriage with a cheater, and thanks for sharing!


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## coquille

seadoug105 said:


> I'm sorry if I am a bit late... but I just caught up on your thread.... I commend you for standing tall and choosing to take the action needed to get out of infidelity.
> 
> Reaching out to the OW's husband was & is the right thing to do... I say *IS* intentionally, because I'm not sure your messages actually got to him...
> 
> Based on what you have said.... granted I don't know what your initial message was to him, but this doesn't sound like the kind of response that he would be sending to you... or that any man would be sending.... to me it seems that this is something that the OW might have intercepted and responded to... I know a lot of dudes like myself have pretty much checked out of Facebook... some guys let their wives manage it others (like myself) just have their wives "tag" them on images so their "friends" can see...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The most important thing is that you need to live the best life you can live. The best revenge is a life well lived!
> 
> When it comes to OBS, do what ever you must, but I think either message was intercepted or she talked away all the details before you heard back from him... at the same time it's kinda like KARMA catching up to him...


Thank you for sharing your take on this. The husband never accepted my message on FB. I sent him a friend request and he ignored it, so I thought his wife might have access to his FB account, and she must have been alerted by my ex that I might contact the husband. I looked for his cell phone number, made sure it's him, and texted him on the phone and on WhatsApp after I saw that he has the app. He replied on both with the same long raging message. Most probably it's him who wrote it, but she fed him most of the words there as he also said that she feels so hurt and she feels betrayed by me because I am double-faced; I was nice to her when we met, but I accuse her of having an affair with my ex. 

My second and last text to him was left unanswered, mainly because I didn't return his insults and told him that our communication ends there. I blocked him on WhatsApp, and when he discovered that he is blocked, he blocked me in return 

As for your comments on his reactions, yes you are right. A lot of things don't really make sense if I take into consideration my ex's refusal to leave a written trace of their meetings. This husband had asked my ex to be the groom's man for their wedding last year, and my ex gave them a generous gift and he lent them money. In his text, the husband said that he works three jobs and he is unable to have a social life because of his jobs. They are struggling financially; the wife does not work just because; they are in their late thirties and they want to start a family. It's a weird circus, and I gave up on trying to understand what's going on. 

Thank you for the advice too! I'm really glad I'm out of this relationship. In the six months together, our only fights were about my ex's "friendship" with this woman.


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## coquille

Should I add that this woman and her husband had a $150,000.00 wedding, all paid by her parents, but didn't go on a honeymoon with her husband because they couldn't afford it....


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## GusPolinski

coquille said:


> UPDATE: The husband replied, accusing me of being a duplicitous person, of hurting him and his wife with my baseless accusations. Basically he says that he trusts completely his wife, with whom he is trying to conceive a child, and he feels sad for me because I have insinuated that she is leading a double life behind his back. He also praises my ex for always paying for them whenever they go out.


My response...

“Well, be sure to DNA any kids she happens to spit out.”


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## Ms. Hawaii

coquille said:


> Should I add that this woman and her husband had a $150,000.00 wedding, all paid by her parents, but didn't go on a honeymoon with her husband because they couldn't afford it....




Forget about them.


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