# WH can't look at me and won't talk to me...how to get closure?



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

My WH and I have been separated since DDay, 7 weeks ago. We were in false R for approximately 2 weeks until I found out he was still talking to the OW. He has feelings for us both and asked that I patiently wait while he figured those feelings out. I refused and consulted a lawyer.

Since then, he cannot be in the same room as me. He doesn't display anger, it's more like a nervous, gotta get out of here as fast as possible energy. When we picks up our daughter or drops her off, it's in and out. I've tried to talk to him a few times but he puts me off every time. Last Sunday as he was picking up our daughter, I looked him in the eyes and asked him if divorcing me is what he really wants. He said we'd talk about it later. That was a week ago and he hasn't mentioned it since. 

I'm not sure why it's so important to me to hear him say those words. His actions would show that he has no desire to work on things with me. However, my heart still harbors hope and until I hear him say he doesn't love or want me anymore, that hope will NOT go away, no matter how hard I'm trying to make it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

he's full of guilt but not of remorse

if anything his behavior should help you get over him faster, I know you desire 'closure" but what is closure really? You have it technically already- he's a selfish jerk

find the 180 rules and start implementing them


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Of course he won't say it to you. He wants to keep you as the back up plan. It's called cake eating. Stop chasing him and do the 180. Remember, you are no one's back up plan. He probably thinks you won't go thru with it and is just waiting for the dust to settle. You said you consulted with a lawyer, have you served him with the D papers yet?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> *Remember, you are no one's back up plan.*


This above all others. If there is any back up person it is he because you could do so much better with another man.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Closure may not come.

BUt who cares? The man is cheating on you and choosing some broad over you  Painful and torturous. Why need closure from that guy? I say good riddance! He'll get his...and come crawling back. Get to a place where you can look at him how we see him--- a lying sack of crap.

You deserve better! your child deserves better! I wish you peace.

DO THE 180!!! Do it now, do it for you, do it to show this man that your life doesn't revolve around his stupid self.

And....why do words matter? His actions are clear--- he doesn't want you anymore.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I'm so glad this forum exists, because you all have given me the dose of reality I need today. And you're right, I have the confirmation I need....his actions are so much louder than his (lack of) words. Thank you for helping me be strong. 

Can anyone point me to the 180?


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Lordmayhem, 

I'm 6 months pregnant and cannot get a divorce in my state until I give birth. How's that for a great law?!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I love how the government tries to get into our lives. LAME!

Well, 3 more months. That will give you time to get your shet together


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And he's even MORE SCUM than I thought. Cheating on his pregnant wife.

Winner! His gf is a moron too. What kind of woman effs some guy who's married, let alone has a PREGNANT WIFE.

Ew. So filthy all around. You're better off without his dirty ass.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi, I know just how you feel. I'm in the same situation. I agree with the other posters. Your husband seems to feel guilty to a point, but not regretful. He's probably like mine and head over heels infatuated with the OW. It's pathetic and disguisting. The point is, could you forgive him? It's one thing to forgive a person if they admit and beg for forgiveness and try to work it out. It's a completely different thing when they leave and keep sc rewing around continuously. Obviously, he's not sorry. I want closure too, but I don't think it will come. I spoke to a man at a park today and he told me about how his wife left him for somebody else 10 years ago. She is still with that man, which depressed me. He also said that once she came down from her high cloud, she did call him and want him back, but it was too late. Now she is with that man still, but not happy. She tells him all the time. I guess in that situation that's the closure. Perhaps in ours that will be closure too. Your husband being unhappy, eventually..... For now, I try to keep busy and just sit back and wait for all this **** to blow up in his face. I mean, would you really want to be with somebody who has treated you and HIS child that way? It's selfish and horrible. You and your child will be better off without this toxic **** stain in your everyday life. And that's our closure.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

That's what I keep telling myself, that_girl. Just 3 more months. I've already been living this life for 2 months, so I know it's possible.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Honey and aqua should become pals, both of their husbands left them pregnant for a 19 or 17 year old


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sick.

Those girls will grow up and see their men as old farts and then want a younger guy...and this younger guy will cheat on them. 

Cause that's how karma works. I swear, I've seen it so many times.

And I really hope it does.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

It takes a whole other level of selfish to leave a pregnant wife, especially one that is willing to forgive you for cheating on her. 

Honey, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this crap too. At least we have the comfort of knowing there are others out there who are going through the same thing and surviving.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Stories like this just make me shake my head and wonder about the fate of the human race. I'm sorry you're going thru this and I am glad you're moving on.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Aqua, can you post a link to your very first post on here? I want to see what your situation is. If you want to know my, see links My husband left me for an 18 year old, and V for Vendetta. Hope we can help each other


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I feel compelled to help the pregnant women who are betrayed moreso than anyone else

my wife's OMW was 8.5 months pregnant when she cheated


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

My first few posts are here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...d-out-about-husbands-infideltiy-now-what.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/39602-what-do-if-husband-still-has-feelings-ow.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eek-since-dday-ws-doesnt-want-talk-about.html

I hope that works...I'm not too tech savvy!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

add-

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/39752-all-bs-how-were-your-first-few-weeks.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40060-cant-get-divorced-because-im-pregnant.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...41030-i-miss-him-so-bad-physically-hurts.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...g-rejection-when-ws-chooses-other-person.html


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Ok Aqua I read your posts (sorry it took a while). So the way I see it, the fact that he won't look at you or really speak to you is similar as my situation. I have this nagging feeling like my stbx doesn't want to communicate with me and open up to me out of some sort of sick loyalty to OW. It almost seems like he wants to prove his commitment to HER. He's obviously knee deep in his EA. So while you feel like s hit, he's actually feeling pretty happy with her when not around you. When he does see you or talk with you, it reminds him of what a dirt bag he actually is. So he avoids you. I guess like I said before, you just have to move forward with the divorce and let him eventually come down, when his fantasy is no longer peachy. It's tragic and sad how much selfish and horrible people can be. Just remember your babies will love you to pieces and he will miss out on all of this by his own doing. That's not your fault. It's his. And when he finally becomes disillusioned and more realistic, you can tell him to go eat glass. Dirtbag. To be loyal to that *****.... Ehhhhhh


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Thanks AR, I looked for all my posts and couldn't find them! 

Honey, I wish I had the same disdain and outlook that you do. At this point, I know how I should be feeling based on the reality of the situation, but I can't force my heart not to love him. And I'm not even sure why I would want him back...he wasn't a good husband, he wasn't a good father. But he WAS my best friend and I think I'm really missing that and the person I thought he was.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You find closure within yourself, not with him. It's a psychological issue, in my opinion anyways.

It's best you move on. I'm really sorry for what happened. I've been in those shoes, I moved on and I've found much better the second time around. Move forward and what helped me is keeping busy. You may even need to find a new hobby or interest to keep you going. Find something that fascinates you and go for it.

The faster you find peace within yourself, the faster you'll move on.

I have a friend who "needs closure". It was right before her eyes several times, yet she refused to see it. It couldn't of been said more clearly to her from the man she was dating. It's been 3 years and she still has not moved on. She's extremely unhappy, but she won't listen and I believe she chooses to be unhappy.

Good luck. Again, I'm truly sorry for the grief your husband put you through. I doubt he'll change, especially if he has not cut contact with the OW.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm sorry for your pain. Keep me updated, ok? As for me, I still love my STBX too, but I'm working hard as hell to kill that feeling, as it only brings me pain. He left me, therefore no matter how I feel, it will not change how he feels. I dread seeing him, then when I do I feel better, then he leaves and I feel like poo again. Over and over. The only way to get better is to cut the love out of the equation, as I cannot cut him out (children), and he won't cut her out. Stay strong, your 3 year old and that little baby needs you to be. What would you advise your children if this was happening to them...


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

One more thing. The crappiest factor in all of this for both of us is that this is that we were our H's first real love. They probably got the itch to see what they were missing out on. From what I've read, up to the first 18 months of a relationship is the honeymoon stage when all is perfect. At about 3 years one encounters the 'real' person. When that happens, they'll get a dose of their own reality. By then, WE will be fine and they can be in all the pain they want.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Yes, I was his first love and first everything! It's true that the honeymoon period had been over for a few years, but love like mine doesn't come every day. I loved that man with an unfailing, FORGIVING love that I'm sure his 19 year old girlfriend will never give him.


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