# Is My Marriage Normal???



## adrianadm (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 4 months now and we have a 1 1/2 yr old son together. We had problems before we gotten married and especially with his family they don't like me even though I have always been nice to them. I'm a stay at home mother and I don't drive so I depend on my husband for everything. My husband verbally abuses me all the time telling me im fat, a worthless wife, that he didn't want to marry me and I forced him into it, he talks bad about me to his friends saying i'm a b**ch, he tells me I nag, he doesn't like being around me, and everyone knows i'm mean. He was never like this with me before I started having problems with his mother and sisters about 3 months before our wedding they started calling him everyday and complaining to him about me and everytime he would go visit them they would do the same. Well 2 weekends ago was the first time we visited my in laws for my brother in laws 9th birthday. Well my grandmother inlaw wanted to talk and she had us go into a bathroom and she gave my husband $1000 and said this is so there will be peace in the family well he took the money which I didn't like and I nicely said to his mother as long as nothing else is said about me and she blew up started telling me im a mean person and she told her son not to marry me and that she regretted telling me yes I could marry her son (I proposed). She kept pointing herfinger in my face and my husband just stood there not defending me. I apoligized for whatever I did so things would be better. Well I can't get the words off my mind that she told my husband not to marry me and also the fact he didn't defend me. I'm sooo hurt by him and don't know if I should leave him or stay I do love him very much but I'm scared. We were on the verge of separating last week I told him I wanted to separate that I needed some time apart and he told me if we separate he will file for divorce so I tld him ok then we wont separate. I also told him he had to pick between his family or I and he told me he couldn't pick eithier of us and I told him I will not have anything to do with them ever again. I'm sooo stuck is this normal in a marriage? I keep thinking the first years are the hardest so this must be normal. I'm so lost and don't know what to do I can't take off and leave him cause we live at my parents home. Help???


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Two things (and don't take the first one as me trying to be rude):

1. Please use paragraphs when making a long post. It is so difficult to read when it is all run together and I think most people won't take the time to read it all. (That applies to me.)

2. Sounds like you're asking if something is "normal". My version of "normal" is probably different from your version of "normal". I think that if something doesn't feel right in your heart or in your gut, then it probably doesn't fit YOUR definition of "normal". At that point, you have to decide what to do about it.


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## sdk (Jan 16, 2010)

No, what you have described is not normal in a loving, healthy marriage. I really feel for you. That must be awful having to deal with the in-laws when they are so rude and hurtful. And then having him not defend you must make you feel even worse. 

Do you have any idea why your in-laws feel the way they do about you and why they are so cruel? Did something happen that caused thier negative attitude toward you? My in-laws gave me a hard time when I first married my husband too, and I never knew why. His brother has never spoken to me, except maybe once or twice to say hello. When I met my husband, his parents would always just tell me that his brother's wife was so jealous of other women that he was already "trained" not to talk to any other woman, not even his future SIL. He was supposed to be the best man at our wedding, and he backed out a week before, and he never told us why. But DH's family allows him to get away with his behavior and his treatment of me. They are afraid he will stop talking to the family, so they don't say a word. It is very hurtful to me because it's like no one cares how much they hurt me. And I still don't know why they have such a problem with me. So I understand somewhat how you are feeling about the in-laws. 

Your husband is being very mean by verbally abusing you like he is. The things he says to you are terrible, and you should not put up with that. Do you know why he is so angry? 

The first year of marriage is very hard (imo). And you have a baby together, so you have even more on your plate. Is there any possibility you can go to counseling?


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

adrianadm-

My H and I had the very same issue. His mom(adoptive mom) caused sooo many problems between my H and I that it is definitely one of the factors that has driven a wedge between us.

She would constantly bring up his X, talking about how she saw her and how good she looked(his mom never liked her). She would constantly question if he was happy with me. She would send hateful emails to him about me, judging me. She even sent an email saying how mean I was to MY family for not talking to my mom after she abandoned me when I was 7...NOT her business! 

When I would just ask my H to at least just say, "ok Mom enough". He would get sooo defensive and say I was making him choose between me and his mom. 

That is something you never want to do, you never want to make him choose between his family and you. His family is just that...his family. You have two choices if he is not willing to step up to the plate. Either A) You will have to find a way to deal with it or B) You will have to be the one to put your foot down with his family. I eventually confronted his mom who of course backtracked what she said about me....she is such a coward. After that she seemed to back off somewhat...or at least to my face.....

The real point here is, your husband is not putting you first! That is definitely not healthy. You are his wife, and when he married you, you became his #1 priority.....but by trying to make him choose you are only going to push him away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you'll be happier (and your son, too) if you separate. You need to learn to be ok on your own. Why don't you drive?


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