# Happy Mothers Day...I guess.



## WestCoastGirl (Jan 26, 2013)

Yesterday was Mothers Day, 2015. The day started out ok. My daughters had made me breakfast and my husband helped. The kids gave me a card and a gift, which was nice. After breakfast my husband washed the dishes, but then he was gone. Not only was he gone, but everyone was. I was staring at the clock at 9am, sitting at the kitchen table, completely alone. On Mothers Day. The house was quiet…except for the girls yelling back and forth to each other about different minecraft commands. My 14 year old son retreated to his bedroom like always, playing video games online with his friends. My husband was in our bedroom watching movies, playing video games, whatever. And I was sitting alone…on Mothers Day. at 9am. Finally the girls came out of their rooms and for the next several hours we jumped on the trampoline, played littlest pet shop, I did some laundry, fed the dogs, did poop scoop, gave one of the dogs a bath, swept the porch, jumped on the trampoline some more, made them lunch, snacks, etc. All this while my husband sat in bed. This continued until the evening, and at 5:30, when my youngest wanted to go to her cousins house to play, my husband came out of our room, still in his pajamas, video game controller in hand, to complain that we were supposed to go out to eat on mothers day. Really? When he has been hiding in his room for the last 8 hours he comes out like that and expects me to feel like I want to go out to eat? I made sandwiches for the kids instead, and did the dishes that had collected during the day. I couldn't help but cry while I was staring out the window washing dishes. I was so hurt. I am so hurt. He didn’t care enough to just make the day decent. He doesn't have to like me, but now I know he hates me. Everything we had done to try to "fix" this failing marriage just went down the drain. You just don’t do things like that to people. I know he thinks I do nothing, he always reminds me of that. He tells me how he has paid for all of my stuff and if it weren’t for him I would have had to work. He reminds me that if I was working, I wouldn't be a good mom like I am now. This feels like ****. I have given up so much to stay at home. I know he works hard, too, and I appreciate that. I feel like the last 14 years of my life have been one potty break after another, cleaning up spills and dog messes, making snacks, laundry, bills, sports practices, helping out at schools, planning birthday parties, playdates, working on the lawn, cleaning the pool at our old house, helping with homework, grocery shopping, fixing meals, cleaning up meals, vacuuming the house, folding clothes, looking for socks… looking for clothes in general, settling arguments between kids, dealing with drama that happens at school, trying (and failing) to manage money with any sort of budget system, and the list could go on and on forever. I’m not perfect but I feel like I’m a good mom and I work hard every day to be a better mom. All this and I spent mothers day alone or with the kids, while my husband watched movies and played video games for 12 hours. It may have been 11 1/2. He came out of his room sometime during the day and jumped on the trampoline for 20 minutes, then at 8pm to make himself a sandwich. I have a pit in my stomach, just a sad empty feeling. There isn’t a way I can even describe it. Anytime I think of the fact that after all this, after everything I do, he doesn’t appreciate me at all and he never will. Happy mothers day I guess.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I am sorry your day was not as good as you hoped.

Teens and pre-teens...mine stay in their rooms all day too.

Over the years my Mother's Days were pretty sad too. 

Things are better now, but I do know how it feels to not feel appreciated.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sounds like a bummer of a day. Sorry. Kids, well at that age will be kids. It is up to dad to organize, take control and provide direction for the day IMO. Sadly your H has failed miserably. I'm not sure how to approach the insensative H but I would start by throwing the game controller out the window followed by the gaming console and games themselves. Time to grow group and be a H.


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## WestCoastGirl (Jan 26, 2013)

It wasn't so much my son disappearing that bothered me, it was that my husband didn't make much of an effort to make the day nice for me. For him to be in our room all day is pretty sad. I guess I just remind myself that he is losing out on time he could spend with the kids. They grow so fast and soon they'll be grown and gone. I'll have a good relationship with them but if things continue like this he won't at all.


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## WestCoastGirl (Jan 26, 2013)

@Yeswecan, I actually broke a game once. I was SO SO beyond irritated by the constant booming noise/bass and shooting noise and me being stressed out doing everything while he sat on his you know what. Afterwards I felt like that wasn't very nice, that I should have handled it a different way. He just turned the game console back on and bought the online version 15 minutes later, so another $60 less in the bank.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WestCoastGirl said:


> It wasn't so much my son disappearing that bothered me, it was that my husband didn't make much of an effort to make the day nice for me. For him to be in our room all day is pretty sad. I guess I just remind myself that he is losing out on time he could spend with the kids. They grow so fast and soon they'll be grown and gone. I'll have a good relationship with them but if things continue like this he won't at all.


As I stated...it is up to the H to organize the younger kids. After all, the kids do not hold the keys to the car and the cash to organize something remotely great for Mother's Day. That is up to your H. He failed miserably.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WestCoastGirl said:


> @Yeswecan, I actually broke a game once. I was SO SO beyond irritated by the constant booming noise/bass and shooting noise and me being stressed out doing everything while he sat on his you know what. Afterwards I felt like that wasn't very nice, that I should have handled it a different way. He just turned the game console back on and bought the online version 15 minutes later, so another $60 less in the bank.


I'll make it simple for you. Advise the H tonight that the game goes or he goes. It is plainly obvious this is a marriage of room mates. He has little to no respect for you. No, you handled it correctly, throw the game out the window again. When you stated your vows it did not include, "And allow you H to play as many video games he can get in all day every day." Your H is childish and self serving. If you don't advise him now and the longer it goes on the harder it will be to get this sorted.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

I'd just like to chime in to say that your mother's day sounds like the day my wife wanted yesterday. She yelled at us for not leaving her alone. She said "this was supposed to be my day to have to myself". I took her out to dinner and she complained about the place and said it was a waste of money. 

Sometimes you just have to take your chances, I guess. If I'd spent the day playing video games (not something I do) she probably would have thanked me.


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## WestCoastGirl (Jan 26, 2013)

@Laundryman... I didn't want the spend the day alone, thats not what I wanted. I don't think many moms want that. But I did want to be recognized in some way. Maybe a planned activity of some sort. Anything other than him ignoring me and the kids all day. It just felt like any other day of being busy and tired. Not what I expected at all.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> you handled it correctly, throw the game out the window again. When you stated your vows it did not include, "And allow you H to play as many video games he can get in all day every day." Your H is childish and self serving. If you don't advise him now and the longer it goes on the harder it will be to get this sorted.


If my spouse threw away any of my personal belongings...I wouldn't have a spouse. Its really disrespectful, petty and short-term to behave like this. You're not his mother, you're his wife.

I have a couple questions. 1. Did you explain to him what you wanted for the day or did you assume that he'd guess and sit around pissed off all day? 2. How many hours does he work?

One of the worst things of having a spouse who works and one who doesn't is the misunderstandings that arise because neither partner understands the other's day and what they need to do for downtime.

You went on a long list of all the things you do....and I get it but what do you think he's dealing with? What kind of downtime do you think he requires when he finally has some days off on the weekend.

I'm not saying that he's right and you're wrong or vice versa but it sounds kind of victim-minded instead of communicating and dealing with the issue in a more upfront manner.



> He doesn't have to like me, but now I know he hates me.


This sounds highly irrational to me. I agree he may have been insensitive.



> He reminds me that if I was working, I wouldn't be a good mom like I am now.


lol, There are millions of great, amazing moms who work every day. (And dad's too!)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> If my spouse threw away any of my personal belongings...I wouldn't have a spouse. Its really disrespectful, petty and short-term to behave like this. You're not his mother, you're his wife.
> 
> I have a couple questions. 1. Did you explain to him what you wanted for the day or did you assume that he'd guess and sit around pissed off all day? 2. How many hours does he work?
> 
> ...


Who cares what he is dealing with ONE day of the year. It is Mothers' Day. Would going the extra mile on this one day of 365 really put him out on his down time? 

Why is the downtime not spent with his W on Mother's Day? Jacking around with games all day uninspired to do nothing but burn some eggs for his W on Mother's Day is simply lazy and uncaring. It's one day.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Why is the downtime not spent with his W on Mother's Day?


Did she communicate her expectations or expect him to guess? For instance, my husband left me alone during the day on mother's day because I very clearly communicated that that's what I needed. I spent the morning alone with my children and then got to have some time reading and relaxing in the sun. Not all women are the same and a lot of men aren't mind readers. 

I don't know if she told him or not but if she didn't and isn't clearly stating her needs, that could be a problem.

Also, its really kind a dumb policy to have a good marriage once a year. Mother's day is a just a made-up holiday.

If you're suggesting that if he hadn't played video games on this particular day everything would be ok, I think that's asinine. Mother's day is a made-up holiday that the OP is putting wayyyy too much symbolism on.

The more reasonable approach would be to figure out ways to deal with the issues on how to spend down time in ways that work for both partners. You have to negotiate needs in a healthy way.

Flipping out and throwing away a person's possessions, moping and crying all day and being angry all the time doesn't sound conducive to resolving the issue and sounds like its going to cause way bigger problems in the future.

Of course, if she did mention what she expected and the guy is totally resistant to bothering to try, then maybe its time to consider separation. 



> Jacking around with games all day uninspired to do nothing but burn some eggs for his W on Mother's Day is simply lazy and uncaring. It's one day.


Irrational. 

She never said anything about him burning her breakfast. And what you consider "jacking around with games" might be important down time for him since he works hard all week. It would make sense for her to attempt to understand him...not belittle him and how he spends his time.

Why do some people think they have the right to control how other people relax? 

My husband reads computer programming books and business manuals to relax. Would I ever waste my time doing that? Hell no, but I'm not a control-freak and his time and how he relaxes after he busts his butt all week is totally up to him.

There are certain personality types that the more you try to dominate and control, the more they're going to rebel and pull away from you.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Who cares what he is dealing with ONE day of the year. It is Mothers' Day. Would going the extra mile on this one day of 365 really put him out on his down time?
> 
> Why is the downtime not spent with his W on Mother's Day? Jacking around with games all day uninspired to do nothing but burn some eggs for his W on Mother's Day is simply lazy and uncaring. It's one day.


Maybe that is the problem. It strikes me as off that the OP wife is so starved for an activity that brings the family together that, that is what is hoped for on a day like Mother's day. 

The rational conclusion is to set a habit of at least one family outing a month for a day or two, a weekly in home family thing for a few hours, and the husband to have the common sense to ask his wife what she wants to do on her day. Sounds all very Mormon, but they do seem to understand what keeps a family bonded, no?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Did she communicate her expectations or expect him to guess? For instance, my husband left me alone during the day on mother's day because I very clearly communicated that that's what I needed. I spent the morning alone with my children and then got to have some time reading and relaxing in the sun. Not all women are the same and a lot of men aren't mind readers.
> 
> I don't know if she told him or not but if she didn't and isn't clearly stating her needs, that could be a problem.
> 
> ...


Look...my W and mother of my children did not need to provide direction on Mothers Day. We did together the favorite things she likes. She was cooked for and served her favorite food. She was given flowers and cards. The entire day was about her. It is that simple. It is was not some lame tell me what you want for Mothers day nonsense. If you don't ask you don't get. Let's negotiate. It is called using one's imagination and showing how special they are. Blitzing to some online mass player game all day is not nothing more than not giving a darn about the day or his W. 

And who said anything about controlling how someone relaxes? The entire day was devoted to game playing. It appears the H entire life is devoted to game playing. And again...it is one day of 365 days. It certainly will not kill the OP H to drop the controller and look to make it a great day.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Maybe that is the problem. It strikes me as off that the OP wife is so starved for an activity that brings the family together that, that is what is hoped for on a day like Mother's day. *More than likely. It appears H plays these games all the time. Seen it. Done it. Learned to get away from it. *
> 
> The rational conclusion is to set a habit of at least one family outing a month for a day or two, a weekly in home family thing for a few hours, and the husband to have the common sense to ask his wife what she wants to do on her day. Sounds all very Mormon, but they do seem to understand what keeps a family bonded, no?


Playing video games will help bond with the kids. The W not so much. Been there, done it and got the ultimatum. At the end of the day my W was correct. Video gaming can and do ruin good marriages. There needs to be a sensible balance. I play the game when time allows. Mothers' Day is not one of those times.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Duplicate...my apologies


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Not sure that it would have helped your relationship predicament, but under those circumstances, I'd have gotten in my car and forged my own awesome mothers day, leaving him to deal with things at home.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Technical difficulties...



> Look...my W and mother of my children did not need to provide direction on Mothers Day. We did together the favorite things she likes. She was cooked for and served her favorite food. She was given flowers and cards. The entire day was about her. It is that simple. It is was not some lame tell me what you want for Mothers day nonsense. If you don't ask you don't get. Let's negotiate. It is called using one's imagination and showing how special they are. Blitzing to some online mass player game all day is not nothing more than not giving a darn about the day or his W.


Lol...maybe this OP should have married you because you claim to know what every woman wants and needs.

Since she didn't marry perfect you, however, the man she DID marry may need some direction because he's clearly not so perfect.

And again, who cares about some prefab holiday. This is about them negotiating a long-term strategy over all the days of the year, not just one. Obviously, they're on different pages...so it would be smart to negotiate rather than to mope and cry all day.

If she's already tried to do that and it hasn't worked, then perhaps its time for a more clear ultimatum.

And if he's working all day, he's clearly not just sitting around playing video games. It cracks me up when one partner belittles and criticizes the other person's contributions to the marriage...particularly when its something they don't do and don't understand the requirements of (ie, 40 workweek)...then expects them to respect what they do all day.

Not all women are the same. I certainly don't expect anyone to wait all day hand and foot for me all day on any holiday. The guy made breakfast and certainly it would have been more sensitive to ask her if she wanted to spend additional time together but who knows what the dynamics of their marriage is.

Maybe she criticizes him so much and drives him so nuts on his off time that he practices active escapism. Who knows?


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Not sure that it would have helped your relationship predicament, but under those circumstances, I'd have gotten in my car and forged my own awesome mothers day, leaving him to deal with things at home.


:iagree:

If I had asked him for something which he failed to do and I knew the kids were safe with him...I would have done the same thing.

If I didn't communicate what I wanted for the day though, I would have asked to have a discussion with him to work on expectations.

You can have mother's day any day of the year. If she had told him what she wanted and needed, maybe he could have made up for it on a following weekend.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Technical difficulties...
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> 
> 
> ...


We will need to respectfully disagree on how any of this was handled. And please point out where I claim I know what every woman wants. :scratchhead: (21 years of marriage. Two teenage daughters. I might know a bit more than the average bloke)

As I understand it this particular day sucks in your book. It then should suck in everyone's book because it is a made up day. Is there something wrong with a bit of recognition?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Technical difficulties...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I believe that OP is upset because there was no effort made on his part. He didnt even spend time with her. Your partner should know you well enough that they have an idea of how you would like that day spent. They should know if you are the type that wants to be fussed over all day, or if you expect a lot of gifts, or if you prefer to be left on your own all day, to relax and do whatever you want. No need to be a mind reader for that! I think for the majority of us, it really doesnt take a lot to make us feel appreciated. 

Also, being as this post was made in the Considering Divorce or Separation area, clearly there are ongoing issues anyway.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> *As I understand it this particular day sucks in your book.* It then should suck in everyone's book because it is a made up day. Is there something wrong with a bit of recognition?


I never said that this day sucks. I had a wonderful day and got exactly what I requested. 

But my husband always tries to meet my expectations...not just on this one day. I'm far more interested personally in having a good marriage all the time, not just on some made up holiday.

I don't understand the concept of being good to your partner on one day because someone made up a holiday. I think Valentine's day is pretty silly too...I want my husband to love me and show me that he loves me everyday.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I never said that this day sucks. I had a wonderful day and got exactly what I requested.
> 
> But my husband always tries to meet my expectations...not just on this one day. I'm far more interested personally in having a good marriage all the time, not just on some made up holiday.
> 
> I don't understand the concept of being good to your partner on one day because someone made up a holiday. I think Valentine's day is pretty silly too...I want my husband to love me and show me that he loves me everyday.


I'm of mind the OP does not get much recognition for anything. H is lost in MMO games. The action of the H on Mothers' Day indicates this. OP expectation not met on much throughout the year. OP thought that this one day of the year it would be different. It was a let down. And again, negotiation, advising and leaving a list of what one wants is not always necessary. 

I concur that Valentines Day is silly. But Mom and Dad day not so much. It is just a day to recognize what only a mother and dad can do. 

I would like to add that Mother's Day is for kids (IMO) to show mom appreciation. Depending on the kids age dad will need to be a part and help. Maybe the H thought the breakfast was enough for the OP on Mother's Day. However, it is called Mother's Day for a reason. :rofl:


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Playing video games will help bond with the kids. The W not so much. Been there, done it and got the ultimatum. At the end of the day my W was correct. Video gaming can and do ruin good marriages. There needs to be a sensible balance. I play the game when time allows. Mothers' Day is not one of those times.


I hear you. Video games are problem for me as well.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Make sure you return the favor on Father's Day. Take the kids and go somewhere fun all day. He's a jerk.

When I was separated 5 years ago I saw my kids daily but on Father's Day, I went to church expecting my wife and kids to meet me there as we had before and guess what? She didn't even bring them. I sat in church, alone, on Father's Day with all my friends asking "Where's your family???"

Sorry this happened to you. Focus on you.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

EnigmaGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If I had asked him for something which he failed to do and I knew the kids were safe with him...I would have done the same thing.
> 
> ...


I completely (and respectfully) disagree. She shouldn't have to communicate what she expects. It's part of being a good spouse to know what your partner likes and do it whether you want to or not because you love them and want them to be happy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BeachGuy said:


> I completely (and respectfully) disagree. She shouldn't have to communicate what she expects. It's part of being a good spouse to know what your partner likes and do it whether you want to or not because you love them and want them to be happy.


:iagree:


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I completely (and respectfully) disagree. She shouldn't have to communicate what she expects. It's part of being a good spouse to know what your partner likes and do it whether you want to or not because you love them and want them to be happy.


Yes but being a good partner is sometimes a learning experience for some people and they require more communication.

Not everyone is sensitive and not everyone has the same level of importance on holidays like this.

Since they're clearly not on the same page, she can either communicate and let him try to meet her expectations or she can mope and cry all day. One is pro-active, one isn't.

There's ALWAYS two sides to a story.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Yes but being a good partner is sometimes a learning experience for some people and they require more communication.
> 
> Not everyone is sensitive and not everyone has the same level of importance on holidays like this. *But this OP is sensitive and has a level of importance on Mother's Day. So what is the problem? *
> 
> ...


:rofl:


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