# Help me understand my wife.



## ADestroyedMan (Jul 16, 2008)

I found out last week that my wife had been cheating on
me for a whole year. I'd stay home and cook, clean, and
take care of our child while she was out running around 
and f**king this other dude. How backwards is that?

I was understandably furious, as I've never cheated on her.
The marriage vows, to me, are sacred, and not to be taken
lightly as so many people now do. I believe it's for life when
you marry. Now, my wife says I was an awesome husband in
most ways, but there were times when I pushed her away
emotionally. I never meant to. The stresses of life just kind
of shifted my focus. I always loved her, and still do.

I've forgiven her for cheating, and I want so badly to love her
as I always should have, and work it out. She is totally 
unwilling to do so. 

See, we married young. I was 24, and she was 19. She never
got to date, live alone, or any of that early adulthood goodness.
Now, that's what she wants. She loves me dearly, at least 
that's what she says, but she wants to live alone for a bit.

She says she needs to go through this and see what an 
independent life is like. We've been, for the last few days, 
getting along like the best friends we were early in our relationship. 
She says she wants to end this marriage and work on fixing herself. 

Then, she says, if we can rebuild our friendship, remarrying
later wouldn't be out of the question. She thinks of it as
killing the old bad thing in order to give rise to the new, good
thing. The main thing is for me, while she's single, she'll be
with other guys. And, that's a pain I can't bear. Help!


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## trexy66 (Apr 19, 2008)

I wish there were more people out there that would take their marriage vows as serious as you.I feel your anger and your hurt and I am sorry that you have to go through that.It is going to be a difficult process and you will have many different emotions along the way.I think you should let her move on as she will find the grass is not greener on the other side.I know that does'nt make it any easier on you but I just wanted you to know that you sound very sincere your wife is a fool to let you go


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## vlee (Jul 31, 2008)

i agree with trexy...your wife is crazy to let you go, and it is sad that she miht realize too late the grass isnt greener on the other side. but if she is going to be like this I geuss you have to move on, let her go. how old is she now? did she go to college?


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*ADestroyedMan*, 
First off, don't fall for the you "pushed her away emotionally", crap.
Women will look for something other than the fact that they might just be *****s to blame their cheating on. A person can just as easily leave the relationship or god forbid talk things out with their significant other rather than have sex with another person. 
She is just placing the blame on you because she is too much of a low life to admit that she just wanted another dude in her. 
It has too be some sort of acting out for the emotional torment you were putting her through, treating her so wrong, cooking and cleaning and taking care of your baby. How dare you!

No yeah, unfortunately there is a child involved but she's a lost cause. You are right there will be other guys while your ex-lady is trying to find herself or what ever she's calling it and she will more than likely end up with one of them and not come back to you, that's just the way it always works. 

The guy she finally ends up with will be a prick that knows how to handle a woman like her, someone that will cheat on her but that's what she needs. Nice guys really do finish last, that's not just a saying, it's the truth.

Just move on with your life, be happy don't inflate her head anymore by saying stupid things like, "I will wait for you" or something gay like that, find someone that you have good communication with for your next serious love interest and live together before getting married, it helps to search the closets for skeletons.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

to be with someone a year would be to much to contemplate for most married couples.
my previous hubby was at it all the time and the last 6 months of that marriage , he was having an affair.
as soon as i found out. i got rid of him.
but - yes a but - when i was in that ridding of him process. 
i looked at our life as a couple - must admit it wasnt a very good one.
for my sanity and my well being - i got out. the affair was the best excuse i had to get rid of him.
i met someone else later.
and i can honestly say, i have had a fab and better life than i have ever had.


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

:iagree:I agree with Carmaenforcer


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

She said she wants to experience young 20-something single life. You guys married young.. have YOU had your fill of experiences too?

In the spirit of "killing the old thing to give rise to a new better thing", I think you ALSO need to let her go, and find someone who is ready for marriage. She wants the benefits of being able to go have fun, but the safety of knowing you will sit there and wait for her. But what if she finds someone better? You'll have wasted your time.

I say let her go and make her understand that if she wants to be able to date around, so will you, and that you aren't going to be the safety net. She may have her fun and realize no guy can ever measure up, and that she's lost her chance. Harsh but true.

You can do it and you deserve better. Best of luck.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I want to elaborate/reiterate that in my earlier post, I am advocating equal treatment. I don't think its fair for one person to use another as a back-up plan. I'd hate to see you sitting around letting her get her fill hoping she comes back, only to have her move on and say "sorry".

Advice I give often and it becomes more and more true is to work on yourself. The whole "you complete me" doesn't always work, only you can complete yourself.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

i'm sorry this is happening to you, my husband i have been together since we were young too (19/20) and it does complicated things and i think we both have gone thru phases when we thought about all of the good, fun, easy things we were missing out on, but my single associates say that it's not so much fun, in fact they are all wishing they could be in my shoes, go figure. i'm sure your wife will realize that the grass is not greener. good luck to you.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. But it is for the better. Who wants to be with someone that is not 100% committed to you and their marriage? If she wants to leave, let her go. She will see that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

Does this other guy know she is married? If so, your wife is in for a rude awakening. Less than 2% of all adulterous relationships end up in a marriage. I guess that is because "those who will do with you will do it to you." 

Keep you head up and your future is so much brighter without her.


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## AZ_Nick (Aug 17, 2008)

You need to let her go. You cannot force someone to stay.

I am in the same boat with my wife, she never cheated, but we have been together for 10 years and she is very depressed. All she wants is to be "happy again". Unfortunately she my have to leave to find happiness within her self.


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## Lonelygirl (Aug 19, 2008)

I know it hurts and i could not trust her again, My ex did it to me been we married 20 yrs. Sorry but i had to go my own way. I suggest mybe sit down with her and talk to her, And tell her your feelings. Maybe sort out the problem why she did that. I wish you the best I know its hard to do, You have my blessings


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## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

I think she's just trying to put the blame on you. No one makes someone else cheat. If felt there was a distance between the two of you she should have came to you with the problem and let you know how hurt she was over it...not go screw someone else.


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## nikkilaya1234 (Mar 10, 2008)

I was in a relationship where I wasn't satisfied emotionally. He pushed me away to where I couldn't share my body with him anymore. I cried. I never cheated. And if I did decide to cheat, which I never would do that to anybody, I wouldn't blame the other person. Communication comes to play there. Also, if she's looking for an emotional attachment, sex with someone else while married isn't a way to find that. Sounds to me like she just wants to live life like she would if she were never married. She wants to do those things single people get to do. Things she sees that she may have missed out on from getting married so young. People don't know what they want while they're young. I'm young and don't plan on getting married just yet because I know that a lot of guys my age don't know what they want out of life right now. I know that I could definitely commit to a person now and that's what I want but for my heart's sake, I can't rely on somebody to be grown up and ready to fully share his life with me yet. 

But that's stupid. She's either ready now for you like you are for her or not at all. No testing the waters then come back later saying she's finally ready. You should find somebody who wants the same things you want out of life. Somebody on your level. She's being selfish. In a marriage or any relationship you no longer think about yourself. You have to think about the needs and wants of the other person as well. She's not doing that. She's not ready for you.


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## graywolf (Sep 8, 2008)

When I started reading your message I thought it was my ex doing a reversal. We married same age. Stayed married for 20 years. 
I put up with the cheating, and verbal,physical abuse. When he started hitting the kids. and making me dress very sexy to go out to have a drink with his girlfriends. I said no to it. I could not do it any more. I did get rid of him. The kids all understood, even though they weere early teens. He was a work aholic, and I took care of the house, kids, and held a patr time job for my sanity. 
I had those thoughts your wife told you about. But for me it was an excuse. to get out of the marriage, Like it is for her. It sounds like she loves you still, like a friend. Let her go. but don't be angry. 
It will hurt you. there will be no stopping that. But you do have the child. Love that child even more.


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## jennyc (Aug 27, 2008)

I agree with many of the others. She didn't keep the same vows that you did and now she expects you to wait around while she experiences life and then MAYBE get back together? That's very selfish of her and I think you're better off moving on


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## Fine (Sep 15, 2008)

I came late to see this thread but i will say my 'say'

ADestroyedMan mistake was that he took the role of the wife and let his wife have free times outside home while he stayed in. this was gonna happen ofcourse. 
a great husband is not a one who cooks , cleans and raise child , my dear ADestroyedMan. you need to take your role as a guy, help just a bit when she needs help and let her be the WIFE. you are very kind my dear, and you crave her love... but listen you need to love yourself more than any one and anything, you tortured yourself enough.. be kind to yourself my dear and stop chasing her
..LOVE YOURSELF.. when you love yourself and be a little selfish sometimes, she will love you back, how can she love you when you dont love yourself and do this to it ??

stop chasing, tell her that you want to go on with your life and find a love that appreciates the wonderful man that you are, and DO IT AND STAY AWAY and be strong and let her get tired trying to get you back. becuase she will try to get you back if you do what i say. and when she gets back, plz let her be the wife...
i will post more if you reply to this thread


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## LadyG_38 (Sep 21, 2008)

I would like to start out by saying I'm so sorry for your pain. I can sympathize with you on so many levels. Don't let her feed you the bs lies. The bottom line is she wants you to say it's okay honey, take all the time you need....I'll be here waiting for you when your ready to be married again. I'm sorry but that's just wrong!!!! I'm sure you love her with all of your being! But what she's asking is not fair to you, you need to somehow deal with this seperation, and move on and heal. Trust me, I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there ok, your not alone in this I promise you


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## staylor1 (Sep 21, 2008)

Move on. It'll hurt in the begining...but the pain will go away...You deserve someone that will love you and only you. She'll get what is coming to her...then she will regret letting you go.


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