# Beaten up mentally - please help



## sonya_s (Jun 9, 2010)

I will try to make this as short as possible. I am (was  ) a very confident, passionate, humorous person. I fell in love with my best friend. We suddenly drifted apart because I came to a new country and lost all connections with him. I got married to a wonderful guy - that girls can only dream of. But we were so incompatible unfortunately that our marriage hit the rocks. It is just unimaginable as to how two people could be so different. Out of the 4 years of marriage plus 1 year of courtship, we had only maybe one month of loving and peaceful words. Rest of the time we are fighting. To top it, I started thinking of my ex to comfort my mind and realized I really really loved him. I missed him as a best friend. I ended up having a brief affair with him. MY HUSBAND KNEW About it. I knew what I did was wrong but I did not do it on a sly. I went and met him in my home country for 4 days so that I could sort out whatever feelings I had for him. I had gone with the idea to"offically" break off but deep in my heart I was hoping he might want to get together. But I got dumped big time because he said he doesn't want to hurt his Mom.That is when I realized I was never respected by him.I was sexy, funny, open-minded, bold and a great companion to be with but probably not marriage material. He said mean things to me which were indicative of the fact that he loved me as a friend but deep in his manly mind he disrespected me as a woman. 


The things he said to me were true and hurting. On the other hand I know it was wrong to meet an ex lover while being married so I am always at the receiving end. I have lost all confidence in me. I was an achiever - anything I lay my hands on was accomplished. I am highly educated and very talented. But I feel like such a loser now. I dont think I can expect any more support from my husband because he just cannot love me anymore. He wants to focus only on my faults- my anger issues (i do have some anger in me) and my past. Sometimes I feel I was too harsh with him and sometimes I feel he is being too harsh with me. I know I have made mistakes - but i am apologizing and trying to improve. I feel I never had anything good in me ever. Should we sustain this marriage or just separate? My husband has too many good points and I have made too many mistakes. I feel so inferior now. The culture I come from really really looks down upon divorced woman - while I want to get out of this marriage and start afresh. I am "stuck" so to say. Unfortunately, not because my husband is not good - but we are so incompatible. We have crossed all boundaries as far as respect and language is considered.Please help. I know I have made mistakes- so please be kind with your words.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Is counseling for you two an option at all??


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## sonya_s (Jun 9, 2010)

We have started counseling but are we trying to breathe in life in a dead relationship?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Before you went to meet your ex, what did you and your H fight about? Was this an arranged marriage? How old are you both? Do you work in the new country?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If you both agreed to go to counselling, and you both agreed with open minds toward it, then I'd say you still have a shot at making it work. And while marriage counselling for the both of you is definitely in order, the way you are so down on yourself makes me think that perhaps some individual therapy for yourself might be a good idea. You seem to have lost all self esteem, and that's going to make it very difficult for the two of you to work out your issues together. I'm not trying to be unkind, I hope you won't take my words that way.


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## sonya_s (Jun 9, 2010)

@Blanca - I have anger issues. I am very affable and cool with outsiders but with my family members I tend to vent on them occasionally. Basically, my anger just spirals and then I cool off in 10 -15 minutes and then apologize. But my husband comes from a family where he has not seen such harsh words or anger. He was taken aback. He would always be on a defensive mode which would anger me further. Yes it was arranged although we had sufficient time for courtship - close to 1.25 years. But we were in different cities in the US so our courtship was mainly on the phone. My husband and I are very compatible as far as social status, education, talents, ambitions are concerned. But we have zero friendship between us. Absolutely no compatibility or intimacy on that front.
We are in our late 20s.

@atruckersgirl - Thank you for being loving. You are right I need to work on myself first. The counsellor said the same thing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and look up their phone counseling, as well as their weekend conferences. If you can afford it, take your husband to the weekend conference. Every single person I know who has gone to it - except one couple (and the guy was a douche) - has said it saved their marriage and completely turned it around.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you physically attracted to your H? Were you at the beginning? Was the sexual part of your marriage good?

Only asking because if THAT part is bad, add in the anger and you have a really bad situation. 




sonya_s said:


> @Blanca - I have anger issues. I am very affable and cool with outsiders but with my family members I tend to vent on them occasionally. Basically, my anger just spirals and then I cool off in 10 -15 minutes and then apologize. But my husband comes from a family where he has not seen such harsh words or anger. He was taken aback. He would always be on a defensive mode which would anger me further. Yes it was arranged although we had sufficient time for courtship - close to 1.25 years. But we were in different cities in the US so our courtship was mainly on the phone. My husband and I are very compatible as far as social status, education, talents, ambitions are concerned. But we have zero friendship between us. Absolutely no compatibility or intimacy on that front.
> We are in our late 20s.
> 
> @atruckersgirl - Thank you for being loving. You are right I need to work on myself first. The counsellor said the same thing.


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## sonya_s (Jun 9, 2010)

@MEM11363 Our physical aspect of the marriage is pathetic. Although we both like sex and he is very generous in his compliments and touching, we are able to have infrequent contact because of our fights. He distances himself if we have had an argument. On the other hand I am not very attracted to him. I am not sure why.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because he's not meeting your Emotional Needs and he is Love Busting you. Read up on it at marriagebuilders.com.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

A marriage isn't dead until you decide it is dead (and the ink on the divorce papers is dry). So, as to "breathing life in," it's a matter of whether you want to try to revive it or not. It might be on life support, but do you want to pull the plug or give the CPR at least one more shot? That is your decision, of course.

It does not hurt to give it one more try, setting a reasonable time table to decide if it is worth continuing the effort. You will not want to add kids to anything but a strong marriage, so do not settle for less than that. Do not bring kids into a so-so marriage. They add so much to your life that is good but also put a LOT of stress on a marriage. And then divorce, with kids, is much more complicated and usually more painful b/c you will end up not being with your kids all the time-and they end up not being able to be with you all the time either.

So, maybe work along those guidelines. If you do not find yourself as really happy in the marriage w/in a given time (you choose, with counselor's input, on the time frame for reassessment), then you can agree to end it. But do not go in to counseling, etc., with the assumption "it won't work," b/c then you may doom it to failure. Good luck.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Here, here, Sister359!! I was about to say the same thing. NO marriage is dead unless you decide to kill it. Any relationship can have new life if you decide it and commit to doing whatever it takes to revive it. 
You wrote that your husband cannot love you anymore. I think perhaps you are projecting your feelings of thinking that since you do not love yourself it is impossible for your husband to love you. You sound very hard on yourself and very down. He is saying what he is saying because he is hurt and wanting you to feel his pain. If he trully felt nothing more for you, he would just ignore you. The lethal plain of flatness.
Friendship can happen between any two people and often times the most unlikely of people. You two have the same background, education and social status. That is wonderful. A friendship can be built out of anything if you want it to. My good friend is black, grew up on public assistance, lived in the worst neighborhood in California yet grew up with lots of love. I am white, grew up in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in California but was abused. Our friendship has lasted now for 12 years. An unlikely paring? Yes. You see, friendship happens because you want it to. Your husband can be your best friend if you let it happen.


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## sonya_s (Jun 9, 2010)

@sisters359 - thanks for your post. I think your point is absolutely correct that i should definitely not have kids in this so-so marriage. I agree with that. 

@Brennan - a couple of other people have said the same thing - that I am too harsh on myself. i am too self-critical. I was thinking i am a blatantly honest person - too honest about my mistakes but i am sure it is hurting my self-esteem. what do you think?


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

sonya_s said:


> @sisters359 - thanks for your post. I think your point is absolutely correct that i should definitely not have kids in this so-so marriage. I agree with that.
> 
> @Brennan - a couple of other people have said the same thing - that I am too harsh on myself. i am too self-critical. I was thinking i am a blatantly honest person - too honest about my mistakes but i am sure it is hurting my self-esteem. what do you think?


well I think you need to ask yourself if you really love your husband ? . Do you want to be with him ? If yes only then think about working on your marriage .


About your husband , may be he feels you have no remorse for having an affair with your ex , or that you dont love him . 

So rather than keep blaming your self , others or situations , make effort to bring some postive changes in your self . 
I think counselling is the first stepto go . 

best of luck


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