# Feeling as if this is the end.



## maggymay (Jun 11, 2014)

Hello everyone.

Not too long ago my husband told me that he's lost that feeling for me, that "in love" feeling. He says he loves me and cares for me but does not feel anything "special". We've been married for 13 yrs, hard times of course, but I never imagined we'd think about parting ways. 

It's been a bumpy several weeks since he's announced his feelings and in those weeks he's been back and forth with how he feels.

One day he says he wants to try. Then the next he says he's given up.

I'm torn with how I feel. I love him of course and I told him I am willing to stand by him and support him so that we can get through this and work on a better future.

Yet he admitted (as of right now) he does not see a future for us. He talks about what will happen if we separate and how he will support me no matter what and be there for me and our kids, but he feels like he needs to start over and figure things out for himself.

I feel like he's letting me down gently, like softening the blow. He tells me I've been great to him all these years and that I deserve better than what he can give me. He's not ugly about this at all, in fact he's been more emotional lately than he's ever been in our 13 yrs of marriage. I've never seen him cry and show such raw emotion. He's opened up to me and we've been talking a lot more about our feelings. So I know this is hard for him as it is for me.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to stand up for myself, take my pride, and walk away. I wish I could hear him say he needs me and he can't imagine the future without me and that we can see this through no matter what. He even talks about how it will hurt when he knows I've moved on and found someone else…..it's like he's coming to terms with the fact and not fighting for me.

Then part of me wants to stand by him, be patient and perhaps hope that one day he'll come to his senses and realize what a good thing he has. 

Anyone else have any experience or perhaps might know what's going on inside this brain of his?? 

I'm stuck in a position of holding on to him or learning to slowly let him go.

Also, due to our living situation (we are stationed overseas) we have mutually agreed to stick it out with the year we have left before we move because it's best for the kids and financially. So I'm hoping in a year things can change but it's very difficult to deal with all these mixed emotions.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The standard "first step" is to eliminate the possibility of a "third party" in the marriage. A quick glance at cell phone records, Facebook messages, etc. 

Other than that, if there's some things that you know are issues, you have time together to work on them. If he sees a difference, he may decide to work on things with you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## maggymay (Jun 11, 2014)

PBear said:


> The standard "first step" is to eliminate the possibility of a "third party" in the marriage. A quick glance at cell phone records, Facebook messages, etc.
> 
> Other than that, if there's some things that you know are issues, you have time together to work on them. If he sees a difference, he may decide to work on things with you.
> 
> ...



Thank you.

Actually, 5 yrs ago he had an affair with an old friend of his. When I found out, he felt very sorry and made it clear that he wanted to work on us. Of course getting past the affair has been hard for me, I've questioned him over the years since then.

And it's actually one of the first things I've thought of now. I've straight up asked him, if there's something he's not telling me or if there's someone else but he assures me there's not. I have access to his fb, email, and he's shown me his phone/text messages so I feel like there's nothing he's hiding but still….that question does linger.

I do feel like if I focus on myself and getting my life together, he may see me in a new light and find that a future together is possible. 

I just feel bitter that he's giving up on hope for us. It's like that saying goes- "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best".

I told him I want this to work….it's him that isn't so sure and that's what hurts.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

maggymay said:


> I've straight up asked him, if there's something he's not telling me or if there's someone else but he assures me there's not.


He's already cheated on you. He didn't confess the affair, you found out and only then did he admit it, isn't that right?

He's a cheater and a liar, that much is certain.

So why, would you expect him to answer that question truthfully?



maggymay said:


> I have access to his fb, email, and he's shown me his phone/text messages so I feel like there's nothing he's hiding


You sound very naive. Are you aware that there are other ways for him to communicate with an affair partner besides FB and the one email account that you know of, and that phone text messages can be deleted..?



maggymay said:


> I do feel like if I focus on myself and getting my life together, he may see me in a new light and find that a future together is possible.


Look up "using the 180 as a manipulative tool to try to trick a wayward spouse to come back to you". Go ahead and focus on yourself but not so he'll see you differently and want back in.



maggymay said:


> I told him I want this to work….it's him that isn't so sure and that's what hurts.


You stated the obvious. He knows you want in. He has all the power, he's HAD all the power for years.


----------



## maggymay (Jun 11, 2014)

lenzi said:


> He's already cheated on you. He didn't confess the affair, you found out and only then did he admit it, isn't that right?
> 
> He's a cheater and a liar, that much is certain.
> 
> ...



Yes you are right. 

Naive, I am. Even when I found out about the affair, I was quick to let him back in and forgive him. I felt like he really didn't want to lose me (he showed so much remorse) and that he must really love me. Fast forward 5 years later, and well here I am….still getting a crappy deal.

Him having the power for years, that is definitely true too. I basically have followed him around (being he is in the military) and conformed my life to him. Devoted 10 years to being a stay at home mom so I can raise our kids. 

Now it seems like (from what I gather with our recent conversations) that I never stood on my own two feet. I let go of my own personal goals and pretty much depended on him. 

He's even stated that he feels like he's only stayed with me because of the kids.

It's like a slap in the face. Hearing how he feels. 

The 180 is actually interesting. That is exactly what I need to for myself. I am the type that will come to him crying, telling him how I feel, showing him I'm weak and hurt and expecting him to feel bad for me and hoping he'd apologize. When really he doesn't feel bad and his apologies are few, and he knows it. 

I know I feel like I'm defending him. Deep down he is a good guy and he's a great father. I keep holding onto that we have something special and can have a better future than our past has been. But then all the signs are there. From the affair, to the unresolved issues we've had over the years and now the icing on the cake--- him feeling like he's given up and has fallen out of love with me.

Our history before marriage doesn't help either. I met him through mutual friends. I was 18, he was 21. We dated for not even two months before he asked me to marry him. It all happened very fast, as he had an assignment to go overseas and wanted me to go with him.

I originally had plans of my own, school set aside, and wanted to travel the world. But I dropped that for him.

Now I look back and see that he was not mature and ready for this. I feel like he realized along the way that he questioned his choice but because we started a family together that is what kept us bonded. 

I asked him recently why did he ask me to marry him and he said "because you made me happy".

Hmmm, ok, so what happens when I don't? 

This obviously. I get this.


----------



## TexasGal31 (Jul 14, 2014)

This sounds all to similar to my current situation!! Except for the cheating part, my husband too says he is unsure if the feelings are still the same. It is very difficult to feel like they are stomping on our heart, but we stay and ask to make it work. I too want to give up at times, and rip this off like a band aid. I have turned to God in these difficult times, and plan to focus on my goals. Maybe you should do the same. Good luck to you!


----------

