# This is my story - Trying to find solace



## Cattblack (Jan 19, 2021)

You stopped loving me

After 18 years of being together, you stopped loving me. Maybe it happened gradually, but it is now that you decided to leave. You grabbed some courage, as you said it wasn’t easy and told me you weren’t happy in the relationship anymore. You also told me you’ve been telling people about how you felt. You told people before telling me. 

After 18 years of living our lives together, you’ve decided that it would be best if we parted ways. Our little girl will need to feel loved through this, you say, make it easy on her. This will be her first Christmas not getting presents from Santa; she’s ten years old after all. Also, first Christmas not having mom and dad by her side this holiday season. 

I was always so happy she got to have her dad and mom living with her full time. Something I only experienced for a couple of years before my parents divorced. I know that it’s not what’s most important; a happy parent will raise a happy child, divorced or not. You’re not happy; therefore, we must part.

I honestly did not see it coming. I thought we would grow old together. We’ve talked about plans for the future. I know we’ve had our ups and downs, but I truly believed that our ups outweighed the downs. I have been naive into thinking you were my happy ever after. I remember our first years when I would be so worried that you would realize that I wasn’t what you wanted, me being a few years older and all. That feeling faded over time. I worked on my insecurities and put them aside. I don’t know if this did catch up to me and is a factor of your love fading. 

I seem to remember much more our good moments, so much more than the bad. After 18 years, I’ve collected precious memories, and they seem to flash through my mind endlessly since you left. Everything is a link to you. How could I have become this woman? I feel like I’m a character from a tragic movie; people just watch and feel sorry for her. Why do I feel so much pain when I’m not even bleeding? 

I know you feel sorry, not sad that you’re no longer with me, but more sorry that it had to be this way. I guess you hoped I’d feel the same way. That I’d somehow also stopped loving you along the way and that I wouldn’t hurt this bad. I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m sorry if you feel some sort of guilt. This is just how I feel. Yes, I still love you, oh, so dearly. 

Maybe if the past year had been easier on me, I would not be as fragile as I am today. I’ve lost so much in so little time. 

As I think of my future, a new future without you by my side, I’m scared. I always thought I was a strong woman, capable of fending for myself. Now that the future is uncertain, I realize I felt that way because you were by my side. You gave me strength. I hope one day I’ll be able to move on and not feel like part of me has been ripped out. I hope one day I’ll get flashes of our past and smile instead of start crying. 

So if you ever read this, know that you were it for me; I chose you. Despite not knowing how to love you as you need to be loved or making you fall out of love with me.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I'm sorry. I hope you smile again soon.


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