# Relationship between helping with chores and frequency of sex



## nader (May 4, 2011)

I've heard through a number of sources, ie, books, counseling, general advice, that pitching in around the house helps your wife to be more sexually available to you. I think the idea is that she is supposed to free her up, keep her from being so exhausted, and make get her to appreciate you more.

Yet on this forum I hear from many couples that this is NOT really the case; it just becomes emasculating, turning you into a doorknob and letting her take you for granted.

So I'm wondering to find the balance here. My main household duties are trash, laundry, and feeding the baby, while she focuses largely on the kitchen/meals and getting his diaper bag ready for daycare (which is more work than it sounds like!). We never made a list or anything, it's just how it worked out. I think we do well to have a pretty fair distribution and she never complains that I don't do enough. Sometimes I feel like I could be doing more, but she assures me I do enough.

But I don't think any of this translates into the bedroom. There appears to be no correlation whatsoever. If I do something extra, she thanks me, but it doesn't make her want to jump all over me or anything.

So I'm just wondering how it works for other couples. Is this just a myth or is there something to this?


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## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

I don't see any correlation whatsoever.

I do dishes, laundry, ironing, most general cleaning, and ALL the outside stuff (lawn care, gardening & maintenance). She says she appreciates it...but, it's largely taken for granted.

No payoff in the bedroom EVER.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

My husband taking out the trash or vacuuming the house does not make me want to jump him. 

It makes me look at him warmly and think how fortunate I am to have a husband who helps me out around the house. 

On the other hand, if he never did anything around the house and sat on his @ss all day watching tv, I'd quickly lose sexual interest, as I'd become exhausted from having to do everything myself and frustrated/resentful of his unwillingness to help me out.

Does that make sense?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

It is a difference in men and women brain. You think you are looking at a quid pro quo. Chores get sex. It is not so simple. It is three pronged thing.

1. If she is feeling like she is taking up more than her share of the burden, she will be tired and tired leads to resentful. Resentful is WAY more of a barrier for you than tired. The former generations of mothers were often do for the sons. Sending sons into the world who were largely clueless about home maintenance. 

2. Many people, men and women BOTH, don't know enough about love languages, love banks and such. They say love, love, love in their own language, and the other person hears, why doesn't s/he care for ME I want ... People inadvertently make massive withdrawals and few deposits to the love bank because they bring flowers and wife likes words of affirmation... Enter that evil resentment that withers away emotion and desire.

3. If you think that chores gets sex, you probably have fallen into the Nice Guy trap. Some folk on here talk about maintaining the right balance for yoru wife between being a loving, caring, providing whatever traits while not losing sight of you alpha attractive stuff. Read up on some of the man up threads in the clubhouse.

In MY opinion, which is not shared by many, one of the three alone may work. But the most successful approach is going to be hitting all three.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Only if the chore IS sex. Then doing that chore gets you laid.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Only if the chore IS sex. Then doing that chore gets you laid.


Are you just bitter for the sake of it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I could turn water into wine and raise the dead. Isn't going to change the frequency of sex at my house. My life is basically an endless chore. My wife goes to her regular job (teacher) and she breathes. I take care of pretty much everything else. In her defense, her job is quite stressful and tiring, I'm sure. I wouldn't want to swap careers with her. Still, weekends and vacations are the same.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

You gotta make her think that not having sex with you can end the relationship.. remove some stability and reward her when she has sex.. it worked for me.. plus I did more around the house too lol..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe. Mine has Bi-Polar (among other mystery ailments). She apparently grew up with some fantasies about what her life would be like and even though she's labored for 43 years to make sure that end didn't take place, she says her life is basically "over" because it's not turned out the way she'd planned. I told her nobody's life ever does. It's just life and everyone has to deal with this curve balls. I tell her her life can still be wonderful and happy if she chooses it to be. For instance, she laments that she "can't" have a baby even though she's never tried. I haven't mentioned this to her but she doesn't feed me or the dogs and babies eat, poop, and require constant attention. If she seriously wanted to be a mother, there are loads of kids needing adoption, even if it turns out that she actually does have a medical reason which prevents her from becoming pregnant. She doesn't respond well to any threat or criticism and she'd leave or toss me out just for spite if I threatened to leave. She's been in two prior serious relationships and she sent both of them packing even though she does admit she was really nasty to them, too. I think she just figures if she can't have what she imagined, she'll be miserable and make sure whoever is with her will be, too, while she waits for a dirt nap. She's only 43. Could be a long wait.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Are you just bitter for the sake of it?


Yeah, sometimes. I have to wonder about all these magic potions. Clearly either they don't work or it's a loaded question. No one here would be here if they even worked more than half the time. 

The real question you should be asking is, "Do I want to live in a marriage in that context where everything is more or less a transaction?" 

How do you even equilibrate? My wife has never held a full time job. Yet she is talented smart and infinitely skilled. Should she do 51% of the household stuff? 75%? 40%? I feel I hold up my end and in fact have turned down numerous other opportunities to specifically work from home in order to help out and/or be on call. Does she resent doing chores? Hell Yeah she does. Have I offered, nay told, her to hire a cleaning lady yet she refuses and then proceeds to moan and complain that all her friends are better off in that department? Yes. Am I indifferent to the lawn? You betcha. Will I paint? Nope. Never. Hate it. Not going to happen. 

So you see it gets pretty murky. I don't think this entire line of reasoning can or should lead to more sex. And moreover as the children move out and we eventually downsize, there will I hope be a LOT less to do. Then what?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

nader said:


> So I'm just wondering how it works for other couples. Is this just a myth or is there something to this?


It helps the household run smoothly and perhaps makes daily life easier .....but it's unrelated to sex and imo I don't think sex should be a bartering tool (on either side of the fence).


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah, sometimes. I have to wonder about all these magic potions.


Some of them are not magic potions. They are things that have worked for real people. Like me. I was the wife in this exact situation. I loved my husband, believed myself to have a low drive because I resented him, he was a *****, and I was under appreciated. He had a list of things, genuine and legitimate things, that I needed to resolve.

There are women who refuse to set effective limits. And whine. There are men who refuse to learn how to engender genuine passion in their wives. And moan.

It is just easier to blame the other guy and their maladjustment. Unfortunately, it helps neither the current relationship nor any that you find yourself in in the future.





> Clearly either they don't work or it's a loaded question. No one here would be here if they even worked more than half the time.


The package I delivered above worked like a charm in my marriage and in one other marriage of a friend with whom I am friends. It sure makes more sense to me to try something, open a mind to new ideas, than to whine.




> The real question you should be asking is, "Do I want to live in a marriage in that context where everything is more or less a transaction?"


That is an obvious question that needs not even be asked. Of course freaking not. What are you going to do about it? Whine?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I do things around the house just because they need to be done. If I wanted to make transactions for sex, there's a few streets downtown where that could happen. Maybe I'm simple, but my idea about sex is it's something I do primarily to please her and it ought to be something that she'd do primarily to please me. It's not working out that way, but that's my belief system, anyway.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> The package I delivered above worked like a charm in my marriage and in one other marriage of a friend with whom I am friends.


I'll grant you a "Your mileage may vary" on that one. If it worked for you, simcha and mazel! I have tried that sort of thing and wound up simply steered into another permanent basket of chores with no payoff. Some people swear by the '5 Love Languages' thing. I guess some people don't speak Chores.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Im telling you man, its all about power and control..


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tool said:


> Im telling you man, its all about power and control..


That is utter horsecrap. Unless you want to beat her into it. I can't see how that would be fun.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'll grant you a "Your mileage may vary" on that one. If it worked for you, simcha and mazel! I have tried that sort of thing


"That sort of thing"? I would bet my left butt cheek you don't even really understand what I am talking about. Have a nice time with your bitter whining. If you wound up with an extra helping of chores, then you did not understand a single thing I said. Forget about executing it. If you wound up with more chores, that you DID, then you would have had to accept them at some point.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I appreciate my husband for helping me out at home. It makes me happy that I have a husband who is not a macho man.

I work, he works. I actually work more hours, but he makes more money. 

He says it is only fair for him to share the house chores. I do the cooking, he does the dishes. I do the organizing and cleaning of the apartment, he does the laundry. He roasts coffee beans and makes coffee, but that's his hobby, doesn't count. 

I love him for what he does, but I am a very sexual woman not because of these. 

I noticed that I have no sexual desire when I am bothered by things in life. Now I have learned not to let small things in life bother me. I don't come home with a headache and lie in bed for half a day anymore just because somebody said or did something stupid . Learned to care less about those things, learned to be in control of my emotion. Learned not to worry, learned not to let fear control me. 

Now I am always in a mood for sex. 

My husband's daily seduction and foreplay also help a lot! We fondle and caress each other all the time. We joke and laugh together about sex. I am playing with his toy a lot, he is playing with my peaches a lot.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I could turn water into wine and raise the dead. Isn't going to change the frequency of sex at my house. My life is basically an endless chore. My wife goes to her regular job (teacher) and she breathes. I take care of pretty much everything else. In her defense, her job is quite stressful and tiring, I'm sure. I wouldn't want to swap careers with her. Still, weekends and vacations are the same.


That's just an excuse. 

I am a teacher too. It is exhausting when you are in the classroom. But after school, there is no stress. 

Being a teacher doesn't need to be around adults a lot, it is actually very stress free for me. Dealing with adults is much more complicated and stressful for me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Maybe. Mine has Bi-Polar (among other mystery ailments). She apparently grew up with some fantasies about what her life would be like and even though she's labored for 43 years to make sure that end didn't take place, she says her life is basically "over" because it's not turned out the way she'd planned. I told her nobody's life ever does. It's just life and everyone has to deal with this curve balls. I tell her her life can still be wonderful and happy if she chooses it to be. For instance, she laments that she "can't" have a baby even though she's never tried. I haven't mentioned this to her but she doesn't feed me or the dogs and babies eat, poop, and require constant attention. If she seriously wanted to be a mother, there are loads of kids needing adoption, even if it turns out that she actually does have a medical reason which prevents her from becoming pregnant. She doesn't respond well to any threat or criticism and she'd leave or toss me out just for spite if I threatened to leave. She's been in two prior serious relationships and she sent both of them packing even though she does admit she was really nasty to them, too. I think she just figures if she can't have what she imagined, she'll be miserable and make sure whoever is with her will be, too, while she waits for a dirt nap. She's only 43. Could be a long wait.


This explains her real problem. 

She doesn't like the kind of life she has. Her life has turned out not to be the kind she wanted. 

Few people's life has turned out exact the same way he or she wanted. She is being unreasonable here. 

To me, she is depressed. When a person is depressed, she doesn't want to do anything. She just likes to feel sorry for herself, she just likes others to dote on her. It is tiring living with a woman like that.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Hm, this gets discussed a lot. As a female, I am a firm believer in the idea that chores are not intrinsically linked to sex. Doing extra dishes or taking out the trash won't get you laid; being hot and desirable will. (And no, taking out the trash in my opinion doesn't make a man hot and desirable lol).

My SO and I have been together for a few years and during that time the chores each of us has done have varied greatly. The frequency of sex hasn't varied at all. 

Here are some fictional scenarios....

1. Boyfriend hovers nervously around me as I'm cooking dinner and asks me if he can "help" with any chores that I need him to do. I mention that the garbage can is full, so he takes it outside and comes back in with a wide-eyed, hopeful look. Later that night when we're in bed, he mentions that he helped out more around the house and asks if it made me happy. My response would probably be to pat him on the head and ask him if he'd like a gold star. 

2. Boyfriend comes into the kitchen while I'm cooking and kisses me, plays with my hair, or smacks me playfully. He notices the trash can is full, so he takes it outside, comes back in, and sits on the couch and studies. Later that night (or really any time of day) he initiates sex--doesn't passively ask for it--and my response would to ask him if he's like a bj. Notice that no chores were actually discussed in this scenario. 

The second situation happens on a regular basis, while the first never happens (thankfully! But I probably wouldn't be that mean if it did, for the record haha)

My attitude is this: men should not do chores because they want sex. Men should do chores because they have a responsibility to maintain the property that they own and care for the family they support. Chores are not difficult, so expecting praise for a menial task makes a man incredibly unattractive. If you act confident in what you do, treat chores as if they are no big deal (they really aren't, it's not that hard to spend 5 minutes scrubbing the shower or whatever), and don't bring them up unnecessarily, then you will gain respect. 

On the subject of kids... KIDS SHOULD DO CHORES. Lots of them. Also, KIDS ARE NOT CHORES, so helping them get ready for school, playing with the baby, etc. does not count. They are your responsibilities and you better appreciate their cute little smiling faces even if it means you have to clean up spilled applesauce for years on end. I would still count things like kids' laundry, getting the diaper bag ready, etc. as chores, but anything that involves interaction should be viewed as parenting...maybe parenting is a thankless chore, but many resentful women view sex as a chore and imagine how hurt you feel. Don't make your kids feel that way! Parenting is a wonderful opportunity, filled with dirty diapers, temper tantrums, and a whole lot of love


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> "That sort of thing"? I would bet my left butt cheek you don't even really understand what I am talking about. Have a nice time with your bitter whining. If you wound up with an extra helping of chores, then you did not understand a single thing I said. Forget about executing it. If you wound up with more chores, that you DID, then you would have had to accept them at some point.


Yes that sort of thing. Doing more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't see how a Husband wouldn't??? I wouldn't know if there is a correllation because I've always helped sometimes more sometimes less.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> That is utter horsecrap. Unless you want to beat her into it. I can't see how that would be fun.


Its not bull crap.. my Wife slowly pulled the control away from me over the years and once she had it.. The sex didn't happen as much.. She controlled me with it and used it as a weapon..

Now that I have regained power and control of things around the house.. I do not have these issues.. I can't even remember the last time we had a fight about sex.. Hell we rarely even fight at all anymore..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Perfectly said

QUOTE=lime;317499]Hm, this gets discussed a lot. As a female, I am a firm believer in the idea that chores are not intrinsically linked to sex. Doing extra dishes or taking out the trash won't get you laid; being hot and desirable will. (And no, taking out the trash in my opinion doesn't make a man hot and desirable lol).

My SO and I have been together for a few years and during that time the chores each of us has done have varied greatly. The frequency of sex hasn't varied at all. 

Here are some fictional scenarios....

1. Boyfriend hovers nervously around me as I'm cooking dinner and asks me if he can "help" with any chores that I need him to do. I mention that the garbage can is full, so he takes it outside and comes back in with a wide-eyed, hopeful look. Later that night when we're in bed, he mentions that he helped out more around the house and asks if it made me happy. My response would probably be to pat him on the head and ask him if he'd like a gold star. 

2. Boyfriend comes into the kitchen while I'm cooking and kisses me, plays with my hair, or smacks me playfully. He notices the trash can is full, so he takes it outside, comes back in, and sits on the couch and studies. Later that night (or really any time of day) he initiates sex--doesn't passively ask for it--and my response would to ask him if he's like a bj. Notice that no chores were actually discussed in this scenario. 

The second situation happens on a regular basis, while the first never happens (thankfully! But I probably wouldn't be that mean if it did, for the record haha)

My attitude is this: men should not do chores because they want sex. Men should do chores because they have a responsibility to maintain the property that they own and care for the family they support. Chores are not difficult, so expecting praise for a menial task makes a man incredibly unattractive. If you act confident in what you do, treat chores as if they are no big deal (they really aren't, it's not that hard to spend 5 minutes scrubbing the shower or whatever), and don't bring them up unnecessarily, then you will gain respect. 

On the subject of kids... KIDS SHOULD DO CHORES. Lots of them. Also, KIDS ARE NOT CHORES, so helping them get ready for school, playing with the baby, etc. does not count. They are your responsibilities and you better appreciate their cute little smiling faces even if it means you have to clean up spilled applesauce for years on end. I would still count things like kids' laundry, getting the diaper bag ready, etc. as chores, but anything that involves interaction should be viewed as parenting...maybe parenting is a thankless chore, but many resentful women view sex as a chore and imagine how hurt you feel. Don't make your kids feel that way! Parenting is a wonderful opportunity, filled with dirty diapers, temper tantrums, and a whole lot of love [/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

There is no positive relationship between sex and doing ones fair share of household labour, I think anyway. When two people live together, there are things they need to do to keep the domicile clean and tidy. If they lived alone they would have to do the same. Any adult is responsible for maintenance of the home no one is responsible to do it fir them unless they hire someone on. 

However, not doing ones fair share may have a negative effect on sex. If one person is overburdened they may be exhausted and feel resentment. That may affect there ability to have sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Are you just bitter for the sake of it?


No, i think RWD has an edgy sense of humor and a very difficult marital relationship. If their is bitterness, it seems justified given what he describes of his relationship. He seem edgy and very funny to me. I enjoy reading his post as they are invariably brief and show a unique way of viewing the world. Also, they are so characteristic to me that I would probably be able to tell he wrote even if he signed in as someone else. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

For me, chores being done by whoever and the frequency of sex are two totally different things. If he did more chores I would not magically want to have sex more often: i dunno where you guys got that from, lol. There is no power play going on, I don't consider him a doormat, nothing. I personally think that is reading a LOT more into it than is necessary. I think its just "this is how I am" and "this is how you are", and compromise is necessary between the two.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

lime said:


> Hm, this gets discussed a lot. As a female, I am a firm believer in the idea that chores are not intrinsically linked to sex. Doing extra dishes or taking out the trash won't get you laid; being hot and desirable will. (And no, taking out the trash in my opinion doesn't make a man hot and desirable lol).
> 
> My SO and I have been together for a few years and during that time the chores each of us has done have varied greatly. The frequency of sex hasn't varied at all.
> 
> ...


This is my favorite response by far. Your #2 scenario is very helpful and gives me a great picture of how to proceed. I think I've made the mistake of asking for a gold star too many times, and you are right, it doesn't get me anywhere. If I'm understanding correctly, it is about creating an atmosphere where she doesn't have to think about these things and is therefore more comfortable initiating bjs (which is what most men _really _want!). Housework should be below the radar, involuntary like blinking or breathing.

I have to disagree with you about kids though.. it takes concentrated focus and effort to feed, change, take care of a baby. Doing this frees up the other person to do something else that needs to be done. Of course it falls under "parenting" and not "chores," but it is still part of the division of labor, whatever label you place on it and however meaningful or enjoyable it might be. I usually take over the baby when my wife starts cooking, because a) she is really particular about the kitchen and prefers kitchen stuff to be done HER way, and b) she's been with the baby since she picked him from daycare around 3, so it's my turn with him. I think I'm getting the better end of the stick here, but it's also true that she really enjoys cooking and I think it is a cathartic activity for her.

The notion of chores and sex, I think, comes from my parents' generation, maybe leftover from a time when women spent more time at home and men weren't expected to do as many chores, so back then a guy helping with dishes or whatever was a big deal. Today most women don't get to stay home with the kids all day unless they are very fortunate, and more is already expected from men at home. For a man to never help with chores is simply unthinkable to most people.


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## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

Fact is...I do chores because I LIKE doing them. Keeps me busy, and generally, I'm pretty efficient with all that stuff -- so I really don't mind doing it. Don't think I EVER started doing it with any sort of sexual "payback" in mind.

But again, to answer the original question -- NO. There is no correlation between helping with chores & frequency of sex.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yes that sort of thing. Doing more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you did not read the advice I posted? Because doing more was not on it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tool said:


> Its not bull crap.. my Wife slowly pulled the control away from me over the years and once she had it.. The sex didn't happen as much.. She controlled me with it and used it as a weapon..
> 
> Now that I have regained power and control of things around the house.. I do not have these issues.. I can't even remember the last time we had a fight about sex.. Hell we rarely even fight at all anymore..


I would be miserable in a marriage that was about control. This one strikes me as serious YMMV.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> No, i think RWD has an edgy sense of humor and a very difficult marital relationship. If their is bitterness, it seems justified given what he describes of his relationship. He seem edgy and very funny to me. I enjoy reading his post as they are invariably brief and show a unique way of viewing the world.



I do too. But he is stuck in a women are evil because I need the sex that I can't have from them. Trying to shake a new pov at him.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> So you did not read the advice I posted? Because doing more was not on it.


I thought I did. I may have lost some attention.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> I do too. But he is stuck in a women are evil because I need the sex that I can't have from them. Trying to shake a new pov at him.


Actually I don't need sex. I'm just pointing out that transactional approaches don't always work. I don't think women are evil. I love women. 

Luv your pink shoes BTW


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I don't get this one either.

My husband doing the dishes does not make me more sexually attracted to him.

And likewise, him NOT doing the dishes doesn't cause me to pull away from him sexually.

I think he's sexy, good-looking, hot and has all the right equipment that drives me wild.

It has nothing to do with what he does/doesn't do and more to do with the fact that the man himself turns me on.

I've never understood the trade-off issue.

Doesn't work for me.


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

MGirl said:


> My husband taking out the trash or vacuuming the house does not make me want to jump him.
> 
> It makes me look at him warmly and think how fortunate I am to have a husband who helps me out around the house.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this. 

I think in many relationships today help around the house is expected. I cannot comment to the women who stay home but, since we both work we both pitch in. That said there are things he does and things that I do. I think there may be a fine line between being helpful and a doormat. I also like it too when he takes charge and is masculine (makes decisions, takes charge). 

While chores are not an aphrodiciac for me in any way. The opposite would be a turn-off. I have been known to give my hubby a littel action if he does something particularly thoughtful, kind or involves sacrifice on his part. If i am not in the mood i may give him a BJ. It is like positive reinforcement LOL. We both have made a lifelong game of trying to spoil and pamper the other. 

Like anything else it is great to be appreciative of all eachother do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Look, Mom - I am not dense I understand what you're saying.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Actually I don't need sex. I'm just pointing out that transactional approaches don't always work. I don't think women are evil. I love women.
> 
> Luv your pink shoes BTW


Actually I don't think RLD thinks women are evil at all - he has made it perfectly clear that his wife probably is - but he appears to love women to me.

And I enjoy his post(s) too - more than not, they crack me up.

Keep it up RLD!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't believe people wake up and say "Let's be Evil today". Sadly though I'm hitched to a gal with worse mental health than I. People aren't evil, but relationships are, or can be. It's like those people who surf and get bitten by a shark. And then the whole town shows up to kill a hundred sharks. Why? What did you think would happen when you swim with sharks? He was swimming around being his shark self doing shark stuff hangin with the other sharks and then all these humans show up and it's a sharkholocaust. Seems unreasonable to feel angry at the sharks.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I thought I did. I may have lost some attention.


Three pronged approach

- Make sure you are making deposits in the love bank, and as few withdrawals as humanly possible. Recognize that each withdrawal requires quite a few deposits to compensate.

- Make sure you are hearing her from her PoV. If SHE feels overwhelmed help unoverwhelm her. Or whatever her issues are.

- Be the attractive alpha to whatever degree is requierd to maintain attractiveness.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Actually I don't think RLD thinks women are evil at all - he has made it perfectly clear that his wife probably is - but he appears to love women to me.
> 
> And I enjoy his post(s) too - more than not, they crack me up.
> 
> Keep it up RLD!


:iagree: 

When my husband catches me bursting out laughing at the computer, it's more often than not induced by one of RLD's posts 

I'm not picking up any woman-hating vibes--just crazy wife vibes


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> then all these humans show up and it's a sharkholocaust.


:lol::rofl::rofl::lol:


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Doing chores doesn't equal sex, but not doing them may equal no sex. 

It's not about the chores. For me it's the fact that my husband is willing to lighten the load for me so that I don't feel overwhelmed. If I'm less tired, I'm more likely to be in the mood. If I'm so tired from doing endless chores, I will definitely not be in the mood and I will feel resentful that I am doing more than my share of the work.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I don't buy it. I had this conversation with the the wife. I've always helped around the house. I stepped it up even more and there was no change at all.
I dust, do laundry, make the bed, do windows, bathrooms and take the kids to the sports. She does all this too-don't get me wrong. But to say there is a correlation I don't think so. Sex drive is hormonal and thought based. Not what you do around the house.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

lime, you are awesome. Loved your post. I feel exactly that way.

Now if I can just figure out how to turn it into my life reality.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Actually I don't need sex. I'm just pointing out that transactional approaches don't always work. I don't think women are evil. I love women.
> 
> Luv your pink shoes BTW


NOW I am feeling REALLY misunderstood. Transactional approaches? Whose approaches are you talking about?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Three pronged approach
> 
> - Make sure you are making deposits in the love bank, and as few withdrawals as humanly possible. Recognize that each withdrawal requires quite a few deposits to compensate.
> 
> ...


Ok sounds like a plan. thanks.!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> NOW I am feeling REALLY misunderstood. Transactional approaches? Whose approaches are you talking about?


I was thinking that this whole chores for sex barter system was sounding like a transaction but I see now I missed what you were saying.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I was thinking that this whole chores for sex barter system was sounding like a transaction but I see now I missed what you were saying.


I see what you are saying. Yah I so don't see that working one teeny bit.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I see what you are saying. Yah I so don't see that working one teeny bit.


I agree-I don't see how it will work either!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Fordsvt said:


> I agree-I don't see how it will work either!


What IT are you referring to? Did you see my three pronged approach response? Just doing a butt load of chores will get you nowhere. Knowing how the chores relate to her feelings toward you, and what other things are likely at play, will.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BS.

nader, for one thing, you have a BABY. She is biologically tuned into that baby right now. Her time clock revolves around that baby. You could be doing ALL the chores, and she may still be too exhausted.

For another thing, when you two WERE having frequent sex (I assume you were at one point), you were all about each other. You had time for each other. Your lives revolved around finding the next fun thing to do. Today, it's about fitting everything in around the baby.

Finally, you have to remember that women have to have a connection, before they want sex (typically). Men have to have sex to feel a connection. Since you have the higher drive, it behooves you to make sure she has that connection she needs, to WANT to give you more sex.

Now, how to do that? Only you know her, but a great way to determine what makes her tick is to have her fill out Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com. Affaircare.com also has some, I believe. Ask her to fill them out. Once she does, STOP doing the Love Busters she lists and start meeting her top 5 Emotional Needs. That simple step will keep her connection strong.

Another thing you must do is find a way for her to have alone time, if she doesn't already have it. Watch the baby every Saturday morning, or something like that, so she can get out on her own and get a mani/pedi or something.

A final step you can do is ensure that you two spend at least 10 to 15 hours a week together, doing things you did when you were dating. That may mean you have to find a standing babysitter so you can go out once a week.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> What IT are you referring to? Did you see my three pronged approach response? Just doing a butt load of chores will get you nowhere. Knowing how the chores relate to her feelings toward you, and what other things are likely at play, will.


Exactly.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

nader said:


> I've heard through a number of sources, ie, books, counseling, general advice, that pitching in around the house helps your wife to be more sexually available to you. I think the idea is that she is supposed to free her up, keep her from being so exhausted, and make get her to appreciate you more.
> 
> Yet on this forum I hear from many couples that this is NOT really the case; it just becomes emasculating, turning you into a doorknob and letting her take you for granted.
> 
> ...



There was nothing to it for me. I'm divorced now, but for 18 years I cooked, cleaned, and practically took care of the kids by myself before work because she left before me.

I did this because I'm not the "tinker in the garage" type of guy, and I get more time off than my x wife, so I would have felt super lazy to just sit around waiting for her to do it all. 

I always felt like my wife took it for granted rather than appreciated it, possibly because I did it from day 1. I sometimes joke with others that I should have appeared lazy for a few months before doing that, then it might have seemed more special.

I don't think i ever thought it would make me feel more attractive, but I assumed it would have been appreciated more than if i had been a lazy bum.

I'm like you, though, I started to read and hear from various sources(I'm sure it was mentioned on Oprah several times) about how this would make a man more desirable. I even read one headline in a woman's magazine article once that read, "If you want to make her horny, do the laundry." 

Well, it never worked for me.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

turnera said:


> BS.
> 
> nader, for one thing, you have a BABY. She is biologically tuned into that baby right now. Her time clock revolves around that baby. You could be doing ALL the chores, and she may still be too exhausted.
> 
> ...


lucky for me, we ARE having regular sex... not always when or how I want it, but she is making a valiant effort! I am not trying to dissect my own situation so much as foster a general discussion on what appears to be a common relationship myth. Also, right now I believe her idea of 'alone time' is staying in bed with the baby all day!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good. Just remember to take a regular pulse on your relationship so you don't slip into complacency.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Never once considered my DH doing his share of the chores as "choreplay". I don't think he did either. We both expected that since we were adults who were maintaining a household and children together, we were both responsible for doing chores.

I could see that it might become an issue - in the negative sense that you might not feel the 'love' toward a shirking spouse - if they didn't uphold doing their portion of chores.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Great term - choreplay.


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