# longing for happy



## confusedh (Apr 16, 2012)

I have been married for almost 7 years (im 25) and we have 2 kids together. He had an affair a year into the marriage and we worked past it. About 2 years ago i got in contact with an ex i dated in high school and when he got out of the army we were able to spend some time together. My dilemma is that my husband and i have nothing in common, no happiness nothing to bond us except for the kids and the fact that we dated on and off since we were like 12. I love him but i am in love with the other guy and even though i want to leave my husband and be with the other man i cant seem to get enough courage to hurt my husband with the same pain and anguish he put me through. My kids didnt take well to our seperation and the only reason he came back to the house was bc i felt bad about how the kids were taking it. I dont know what to do, it has kept me awake at night and the depression is starting to be noticable. I tried talking to my husband but he isnt the best at understanding or working on a common ground. I just want to feel less hopeless and be happy in life. Some one please give this country girl some advice. Whose feelings are more important. Mine? My husband? Or my perfect match that i long for?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Leave the EA. Now. Period.

Stop conversing with the other guy. End it.

Start talking to your husband about your emotional needs & what is going wrong in the relationship. Work up to it, but DO eventually tell him about this other guy. You (Your husband and you) need to decide if your marriage is worth working on & saving. If it is not... you need to stay out of any other involvement or relationship with anyone else, until you two are completely split & divorced.

I'm sure you didn't think it was fair when he cheated early on & you had no knowledge to fight it... HE is not going to think it's fair that you are giving up the marriage & looking for affection from outside marriage... especially with having no knowledge of it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Your feelings are irrelevant right now, what matters is doing the right thing for yourself and for your children. Even though your view of your H is certainly being clouded by your affair fog, you've already chosen the OM over your own H. It benefits nobody for you to pretend you are still there for your children, you have already hurt your H more than you can possibly imagine, you need to leave and the least painful thing for your H is for him to know the stinging truth that you are leaving him for someone else, and as much as he begs and pleads do not sweep any of this under the rug. No apology you give him is going to be enough for him, so don't try, just be gracious and amicable when separating, give him whatever he needs to move on and find someone who can love him.

As for your "perfect match" there is no thing, as long as you believe there is you will always fail to understand that relationships require contributions and hard work to keep them going.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

All relationships have problems... all of them. When you are in the thick of one that has some large unresolved issues then it's easy to fantasize that another relationship would fix all that. Truth of the matter is that you could divorce your H marry the new guy only to find out things are a royal mess with him (maybe far worse). Heck you may not even get as far as marriage with the old BF and determine that things are wrong. Meanwhile you've definitely destroyed your current family.

It sounds like to me you've never fully forgiven your H for his affair (it's hard to do, and frankly he should be contrite and deserve it). Still you say you love your H and your kids. Things as is are a real mess, so my advice is this:

Get some counselling and work through the issues in your current marriage before things get more complicated than they already are. Break off all contact with the ex-BF. Not a word more with him, because you can't work through issues with your own H if there's another man in the picture.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi there, confusedh... I'm sorry you're feeling like you're no longer in love your husband. I don't know what kind of relationship you've had over the past few years, but I do know there is hope! I work at Focus on the Family, and they offer a Q&A on their site that you might want to check out. In addition, you can speak with a counselor over the phone for free. I hope that this information is helpful to you. Praying that you will experience healing in your marriage. God bless you!


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

End the contact. Troubles, anywhere in life, cause you to seek out positive fulfillment. If I'm having problems at work, I'll want to relax and do something fun. If I'm arguing on the phone with my father, I'll want to hang-up and watch some tv. It's normal to gravitate to something positive/familiar and that's why it seems so easy to do and feels "right". You feel like your new love understands you and makes you happy... well of course they will. Compared to problems you are having at home... almost anything will seem better. 

You need to set some time aside and talk to your husband. No tv, no cellphones, no kids, no distractions. Let your kids spend the night/weekend with someone from school or a relative or neighbor or hire a babysitter. Your husband deserves to know. Attempt counseling and make an effort to save your marriage. *But* this is all worthless if you don't want it. If you do not see yourself staying with your husband... then let him go and let him be free to find someone who will love him and cherish him.

The world is full of too many people... for two people to remain together... if one/both are truly unhappy.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

This is why people should not get married at 18. The idea is shocking to this city boy.

I sympathize with you, but there is no easy answer here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

confusedh said:


> I have been married for almost 7 years (im 25) and we have 2 kids together. He had an affair a year into the marriage and we worked past it. About 2 years ago i got in contact with an ex i dated in high school and when he got out of the army we were able to spend some time together. My dilemma is that my husband and i have nothing in common, no happiness nothing to bond us except for the kids and the fact that we dated on and off since we were like 12. I love him but i am in love with the other guy and even though i want to leave my husband and be with the other man i cant seem to get enough courage to hurt my husband with the same pain and anguish he put me through. My kids didnt take well to our seperation and the only reason he came back to the house was bc i felt bad about how the kids were taking it. I dont know what to do, it has kept me awake at night and the depression is starting to be noticable. I tried talking to my husband but he isnt the best at understanding or working on a common ground. I just want to feel less hopeless and be happy in life. Some one please give this country girl some advice. Whose feelings are more important. Mine? My husband? Or my perfect match that i long for?


LEAVE NOW!

IT will only get worse if you allow yourself to stay in this marriage also he cheated first and thus ruined the marriage from the get go (imo). 

You should divorce him before you get serious with this other guy otherwise it makes you look like a cheater which is bad.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Leave the EA. Now. Period.
> 
> Stop conversing with the other guy. End it.
> 
> ...


I would agree if he did not cheat on her and lie. Some people are just not meant to be married or rather married to certain people and its pointless to try and get these people to stay together. That is what i will never understand about "love experts" they are just delusional people who have no idea what they are talking about and ignore all logic. The reality of the situation is you can only make something work for so long especially when another person is unwilling to put forth in effort in "set" relationship.


They both need to end there marriage he cheats and she is starting to develop an EA, she is miserable but cannot find the "courage" to leave and that is just sad. Things will only get worse and worse and worse till a major breakdown and depression hits one of them and than they will finally come either one to file for divorce. Might as well avoid all the future drama and anger and go for it now.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

confusedh said:


> I have been married for almost 7 years (im 25) and we have 2 kids together. He had an affair a year into the marriage and we worked past it. About 2 years ago i got in contact with an ex i dated in high school and when he got out of the army we were able to spend some time together. My dilemma is that my husband and i have nothing in common, no happiness nothing to bond us except for the kids and the fact that we dated on and off since we were like 12. I love him but i am in love with the other guy and even though i want to leave my husband and be with the other man i cant seem to get enough courage to hurt my husband with the same pain and anguish he put me through. My kids didnt take well to our seperation and the only reason he came back to the house was bc i felt bad about how the kids were taking it. I dont know what to do, it has kept me awake at night and the depression is starting to be noticable. I tried talking to my husband but he isnt the best at understanding or working on a common ground. I just want to feel less hopeless and be happy in life. Some one please give this country girl some advice. Whose feelings are more important. Mine? My husband? Or my perfect match that i long for?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

confusedh said:


> I have been married for almost 7 years (im 25) and we have 2 kids together. He had an affair a year into the marriage and we worked past it. About 2 years ago i got in contact with an ex i dated in high school and when he got out of the army we were able to spend some time together. My dilemma is that my husband and i have nothing in common, no happiness nothing to bond us except for the kids and the fact that we dated on and off since we were like 12. I love him but i am in love with the other guy and even though i want to leave my husband and be with the other man i cant seem to get enough courage to hurt my husband with the same pain and anguish he put me through. My kids didnt take well to our seperation and the only reason he came back to the house was bc i felt bad about how the kids were taking it. I dont know what to do, it has kept me awake at night and the depression is starting to be noticable. I tried talking to my husband but he isnt the best at understanding or working on a common ground. I just want to feel less hopeless and be happy in life. Some one please give this country girl some advice. Whose feelings are more important. Mine? My husband? Or my perfect match that i long for?


Everyone is "longing for happy", but it's not going to come from another person, you need to find that happiness within your self, but that's another discussion.

First of all, your "perfect match" is not real, it's a fantasy. You are doing what they call re-writing history. You are focussing on all the negatives of your marriage. Yes, there are problems, but either deal with them, or leave your marriage. From your comment on not wanting to hurt your husband, you still love him quite a bit, and probably you're just caught up in all the attention you are receiving from this other guy.

Take from me, you have two choices....end your EA with the other guy, or end your marriage, you can't have both, and you can't think straight about your marriage when you are deep in this fog.

do the right thing.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I respectfully disagree that your marriage is over. It's troubled for sure, but as working_together said, focus on the positives as well as the negatives. 

Can't stress enough how important it is to end all communication with the ex-bf.

Some things are important to have in common: values, how to spend money, goals, etc. Most things don't really have to be common at all.

My wife has different interests than me, for example she's a reader and outside of forums like this one I'd rather play a video game, write or exercise than read a book (unless it's an amazing book).

My wife likes being outside more than I do by a mile. I like it if I have something to do specifically outside, otherwise I'll just head back in the house.

Still we like to talk and do chores on the weekends together (when we can). We joke around and laugh a lot.

So I'd really like to encourage you to find the things that your husband and you both enjoy and try and find a way to build your friendship back up. Work on the friendship and the marriage will improve along with it.


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## alderhebel (Apr 18, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> All relationships have problems... all of them. When you are in the thick of one that has some large unresolved issues then it's easy to fantasize that another relationship would fix all that. Truth of the matter is that you could divorce your H marry the new guy only to find out things are a royal mess with him (maybe far worse). Heck you may not even get as far as marriage with the old BF and determine that things are wrong. Meanwhile you've definitely destroyed your current family.
> 
> It sounds like to me you've never fully forgiven your H for his affair (it's hard to do, and frankly he should be contrite and deserve it). Still you say you love your H and your kids. Things as is are a real mess, so my advice is this:
> 
> Get some counselling and work through the issues in your current marriage before things get more complicated than they already are. Break off all contact with the ex-BF. Not a word more with him, because you can't work through issues with your own H if there's another man in the picture.


i agree with u.


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