# Should I be worried?



## momof2bellas (Jun 27, 2011)

Long story short, I don't know if its just women or just me that is way more emotional about things than men. My husband never shows to me that he loves me or enjoys me or finds me beautiful or attractive except the 2 times a day he tells me he loves me. I have been 'checking' his computer I KNOW I shouldn't be, because that's when I start getting so emotional and pissed. Hes always looking at celeebrities nude and porn videos- don't get me wrong, we used to enjoy it together, until I caught him hiding it from me and it just doesn't have that same 'feel' anymore, if that makes sense?? Anyway, I got on it today and noticed he went to a website called benaughty.com- he DIDNT go to anything else except the home page but still, I also found another dating type site and again, he was just on the home page. He mainly does it when Im out running at night and gone for an hour. He isnt the type to 'talk' to me about feelings, he's very robotish as I call him. Aside from these two sites, I just get so upset that he doesn't enjoy me anymore? Am I wrong to feel this way? Is anyone else's husbands a robot? I don't like being married to someone who NEVER tells me I am worth their time or I hate feeling like Im not worth the time. Even if I ask, how do I look- he will say, fine! I DONT WANT TO HEAR FINE! Advice, please? I dont think he's attempting to cheat via websites or hasnt before but I am worried he might decide to if he finds it intriuging enough.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi & welcome to the forum.

Yes, you should be worried. You are probably seeing the early signs of discontent. That's how my nightmare first began. Only difference was that I didn't pick up on those early warning signs.

First, don't feel guilty about snooping. A married couple should have no secrets. And there's a big difference between secrets and privacy. Sites like benaughty.com are for married people to find "no strings attached" hook ups. And that's usually a good starting place for a spouse entertaining the idea of cheating. Your husband has no excuse for even going to these sites, unless he is actually entertaining the thought of participating. "Just curious" isn't a legitimate reason. 

You may want to read some marriage and self-help books and even consider counseling.


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## momof2bellas (Jun 27, 2011)

I agree with you totally. I feel like it's him deciding if he wants to or not? Maybe hes confused about should he or shouldn't he. Once you do it, you cant go back. Am I wrong for going through profiles to 'see' if he made one? 'Cause I did. :/ But in the history its just the home pages. I feel as though hes trying to find the right one? He does have computer access at work but I would like to doubt he would be visiting those sites on his work computer? Im unaware on if its monitoried. About 6 mos. ago he changed all his passwords, so I don't know them but he leaves his laptop running and unlocked all day so I can get on. It really depresses me when I see so and so, nude pics and porn so I dont know if I should be hurt and tell him or should it make me want to be more pleasing to him? the sites were benaughty.com, hornymatches.com or myyearbook.com...such a douche for visiting them in the first place!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Changing his passwords is a definite red flag also. Is he growing more distant from you? It depends on how far he has gone as how to confront him. For example, if he is already involved in an emotional or physical affair with someone, you definitely need solid proof before confronting him. If he is just testing the waters, you may be able to have a discussion.....perhaps even agree to marriage counseling before things get out of hand.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi bella mom ~

Have you confronted your husband about what you found? If so, why not? I think you need to start a discussion (calm, cool, collected, non-confrontational) with him about what is going on and why he seems to be discontented and restless. At the same time, you can let him know what areas you consider to be boundaries that he has violated, e.g., if you feel that cruising a dating web-site is a boundary crossed, you need to firmly let him know that.


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## momof2bellas (Jun 27, 2011)

He's never been an emotional person. He's never uhh a lovey person. Always been that way. He changed the PS's because when the PS3 network got hacked, his email was on it and wanted to make it all safe. I don't think he would have time to have an affair, which is why I think he cruises the only websites and pics etc. I would like to talk to him, but I feel that if I say I saw this website on your computer, he will start locking it and if he makes me feel better, than I cant see whats going on. I dont feel he has cheated, I just feel he will. We have a good sex life and play and flirt so I just don't know why he would be on those sites. I just wish he would talk to me so if there is something wrong, I can try to fix it. He's very unnattached when it comes to 'talking' but I think I need to be able to talk to him.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

momof2bellas said:


> He's never been an emotional person. He's never uhh a lovey person. Always been that way. He changed the PS's because when the PS3 network got hacked, his email was on it and wanted to make it all safe. I don't think he would have time to have an affair, which is why I think he cruises the only websites and pics etc. I would like to talk to him, but I feel that if I say I saw this website on your computer, he will start locking it and if he makes me feel better, than I cant see whats going on. I dont feel he has cheated, I just feel he will. We have a good sex life and play and flirt so I just don't know why he would be on those sites. I just wish he would talk to me so if there is something wrong, I can try to fix it. He's very unnattached when it comes to 'talking' but I think I need to be able to talk to him.


Well, if you can't have some kind of communication with each other I'm not sure how you can have a good marriage. 

Can you bring up a discussion and not refer to the sites? But just asking whether he really feels that your sex life is good or if it is lacking something? Maybe you feel it is good, but he feels it is lacking. Something is lacking - at a minimum some honesty from him. But, you need to get to the point where you two can talk with each other. I wouldn't want to live my life doing constant surveillance on my husband.


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## momof2bellas (Jun 27, 2011)

I 100% agree.....I think we will be talking soon.


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

He's in a defensive posture. Detaching purposely. Now there's a void that he's looking to fill.

I suspect he wasn't always a robot.

I'm in a similar position. I feel I almost have to emotionally detach from my wife or I'm going to go crazy. I hate it, but at this point there's no talking to her anymore. And nothing in the world will take me away from my kids, not even personal happiness. Hence the detachment.

And yes, I've even flirted with those sites although I fully realize I have neither the time nor energy to actually pursue it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't trust my wife's good moods. They're too ephemeral. There's always something ghastly behind them. My default setting is arm's-length as a result. I don't willingly get sucked into the Neutron Star Gravity Well of Crazy. So I don't.


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