# New and Confused & Sad



## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi everyone, this is the first time I have posted anything here. I have been reading trying to find similar situations to my own but thought it may be time to get some insight to what you may be able to offer me on my situation. I have been married for almost 16 years to a great man but from the very beginning of our engagement we have not had a "normal" sex life ATALL. Anyway long story short we have let things get shoved under the rug for way too long. We were married quite awhile before we had children and once we did we had multiples which kept us pretty busy and our minds off our issues, enabling us to push on in our dysfunction So now here we sit and our kids are almost 8 and it has been longer than that since we have been intimate with one another!!! No sex whatsoever, no intamacy of any kind. I am miserable but my husband is willing to stay in this as is. We are in counceling now and plan to try a trial seperation after the holidays so kids will have that special time perhaps one last time. We are good friends but I am not in love with him anymore and I know.......blah blah blah but how can you be in love without intimacy or feeling wanted in that way??? I don't want to be divorced, destroy my husband and my family but don't I deserve to be happy?? Won't it hurt my kids in the long run seeing their parents in a dysfunctional relationship? I hope the seperation helps but I don't see those feelings coming back it has been too long and there is far too much resentment built up. There are alot more details but I will save them for a later date, just wanted to get started with my story and see what you make of this mess. I feel very selfish and fully responsible for this situation!! Any responses will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

How do you feel responsible?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

I am responsible for at least half of the letting it get to this point but mostly I feel responsible because I am the one that doesn't want to continue the illusion of a marriage any longer. He is completely content to carry on just the way things are, sure he would like to have me feel in love with him again but yet understands to some extent that is has gone on for so long that it may be impossible. I feel like Godzilla crushing Tokyo aka my husband, kids & family The guilt is overbearing and I am miserable over it. There are other factors that I feel responsible for also but that is the main one & the biggie. I feel like our "seperation" is going to be a lie because I truly feel like I just want out. Thank you for responding!


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

TGTLTBTS said:


> I am responsible for at least half of the letting it get to this point but mostly I feel responsible because I am the one that doesn't want to continue the illusion of a marriage any longer. He is completely content to carry on just the way things are, sure he would like to have me feel in love with him again but yet understands to some extent that is has gone on for so long that it may be impossible. I feel like Godzilla crushing Tokyo aka my husband, kids & family The guilt is overbearing and I am miserable over it. There are other factors that I feel responsible for also but that is the main one & the biggie. I feel like our "seperation" is going to be a lie because I truly feel like I just want out. Thank you for responding!


I was exactly in the same boat with my H on this issue and others. I accepted my responsibility that I was part of this problem... I let things go on for FAR too long! (20+ yrs). I asked H to leave in January and to start MC immediately.. we have been separated since... and it was the most painful drastic measure I have ever had to take! 

In all this time, we have worked on many issues, have more to get through, but we are hopeful we can re-unite at somepoint. We have gone through the talking, identifying stage... and now it is action time... where we both have to prove what we say... time to walk the walk as it were... I am a patient woman... and has been an incredible roller coaster journey, but one thing for sure he is becoming a better man, and I a better woman, recognize these take time, and there will be slip ups and bumps... and now its discovery time ... which will determine our life path.. be it together or single... scary.. absolutely.. 

best wishes


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## paleomama (Sep 17, 2011)

You said you don't have a "normal" sex life and haven't been intimate in a long time. Is this a personal choice, is there a medical reason? Please explain, because in my case it is a medical condition my H has but refuses to get treatment for (very selfish).


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Unfortunately no medical condition and definately no quick fix Its a very long story but basically we started out bad and it got worse......resentment has built and things were ignored. Now I have no desire or attraction to him in that way and my personal resentment and anger is far to deep to believe I can ever get those feelings back. I also don't believe he is in love with me any more than I him but he is very concerned with what his image looks like and I know he is also very concerned with what affect it will have on the kids! I think we could be very good friends and parents but not partners for life in this marriage. Its just such a scary thing to leave something you have been involved in for so long to step out into the unknown. I am trying to find a copy of the Too Good to Leave....book and hopefully we can both read it and make a decision on which way to go so we can both be happy.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

TGTLTBTS said:


> Unfortunately no medical condition and definately no quick fix Its a very long story but basically we started out bad and it got worse......resentment has built and things were ignored. Now I have no desire or attraction to him in that way and my personal resentment and anger is far to deep to believe I can ever get those feelings back. I also don't believe he is in love with me any more than I him but he is very concerned with what his image looks like and I know he is also very concerned with what affect it will have on the kids! I think we could be very good friends and parents but not partners for life in this marriage. Its just such a scary thing to leave something you have been involved in for so long to step out into the unknown. I am trying to find a copy of the Too Good to Leave....book and hopefully we can both read it and make a decision on which way to go so we can both be happy.


I am so sorry for your hurt and pain... and I understand the resentment. When it goes this deep, it is so hard to get through this when the spouse is in the same space. That is part of the reason why I ask my H to leave and we started MC and we've been separated for 9 months ... we both needed space... to clear our heads, to have the alone time to piece together our thoughts, our lives, in peace. It was the most difficult and drastic thing I have ever done in my life, but with the help of my IC, I knew I had to do this ... to try and save the marriage... else it would most certainly end in divorce. 

So now... we are making get strides in getting through our issues and problems ... and in time... I am hopeful that we will re-unite... but I also realize that we may not... that perhaps our journey is at its end... either way, we are both stronger and whole... 

best wishes...


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## TGTLTBTS (Sep 16, 2011)

Rosered, I read your situation and I too am sorry that you are in your situation also. I give you alot of credit for giving the seperation as much time as you have. If I can make it thru the holidays, I will give it 3 months tops and then make a decision. I can't go on much longer this way, I am miserable and my kids are starting to pick up on the fact that something isn't quite right

I am very anxious and would love to find someone that I can connect with and share my life with! I have so much to give someone and want so much more out of my life!!! And I want my kids to grow up watching what a normal relationship between a woman and a man should look like.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

TGTLTBTS said:


> Rosered, I read your situation and I too am sorry that you are in your situation also. I give you alot of credit for giving the seperation as much time as you have. If I can make it thru the holidays, I will give it 3 months tops and then make a decision. I can't go on much longer this way, I am miserable and my kids are starting to pick up on the fact that something isn't quite right
> 
> I am very anxious and would love to find someone that I can connect with and share my life with! I have so much to give someone and want so much more out of my life!!! And I want my kids to grow up watching what a normal relationship between a woman and a man should look like.


Ok.. first and foremost...when I separated it was NOT to look at the grass AT ALL!! There is no way in hell I would ever entertain the notion of another man... ugh... too much added drama and quite frankly would not ease my problems, but add to them! At that point I was just sick of men in general! There was so much sh!t to get through it takes time!! Don't set yourself a time limit on yourself when you have no idea what is going to happen. For the first 3 months, I was still super pissed and mad, not only at his behaviours, but at myself as well. How I could have let this happen and let things slide not only for my own personal dreams but the marriage too. Two poignant feelings at the start of all of this.. firstly, terrified of actually doing this, not knowing what he will do in response and secondly, when he left, an amazing sense of core freedom and profound peace... and with that the spiritual and emotional capability to look deep within myself to identify and define all these thoughts and emotions I had all stewing and brewing FOR YEARS! Going through this takes time...you can't expect to fix years of issues with a couple of weeks of a time out. With the help of MC... my H has been doing the same thing... we have been making fantastic progress. We are discussing re-uniting and although my heart is thrilled with this prospect, in my mind and soul, I have yet to see solid and consistant change in his behaviours. I have to restraint myself with trusting change too soon. (and for me, the fiesty extrovert, jump in with two feet... all in at the poker table... this is INCREDIBLY difficult for me to do!!) This will be discussed at our next MC session. 

One thing for sure... my hatred for his behaviours DID NOT extinguish my LOVE for him. It just came to a point where the years of building resentment masked my true feelings and it took this separation to figure this out. Now that we are at the stage to openly and honestly in love determine if we can be for each other what the other wants and needs without compromising our core self entity. If what I want and need in him is not in or of him, then we will have to come to a decision. (and of course the converse is true and applied!) I cannot expect something of someone that doesn't or can't exist. That's like asking the store clerk at the convenience store for the winning numbers of the lotto just because they sell lotto tickets!!! I respect him too much to demand of him something that can't exist.

So, for the reason that I have vested 25+ years into the relationship and 3 amazing children, I did not, or will I not assign a strict time limit to the healing and rebulding process not only for own self, but for the marriage as well...

blessings..


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