# Wife is a prude but claims she isn't. Fellas?



## nofrigginclue (Mar 9, 2013)

Has anyone ever been married to (or been in a LTR with) someone like this?

My wife is pretty much a prude. Not an extreme prude nor is she anti sex but sex is usually limited to a max of 3 sex positions. She does give oral occasionally but doesn't "enjoy" giving. Big difference in doing it (oral) and ENJOYING doing it. And that is our entire sexual repertoire. In the 8+ years we have been in a relationship, I can count the times on 1 hand where she initiated sex. For those VERY few times she will literally say. "ok... im initiating." I'm like really? THAT'S how you initiate. The rest is up to me. 

During sex there is no playfulness with each others bodies. nothing out of the ordinary. I don't want to get TOO explicit but lets just say during bj/hj the "completion" can't go anyplace "fun". no COF or CIM. No nipple play, no fun positions, no exploring and no initiative on her part at all. No dirty talk, hardly any sound at all really.

There were a even few incidents where we even got into fights. For example, one time she was laying in bed with her head at the edge of the bed, we were about to have sex, I walked to her side of the bed and playfully tapped her cheek with my "man part" by wiggling my hips and it tapped her cheek bone and her head. You would have thought that I just shot her with a tazer gun. Well obviously, no sex that night. 

There was 1 time after I "finished" there was that 1 last drop that made it's way out of me and being the silly guy I am, I wiped it on her shoulder. Again total FREAK OUT. You would have thought I wiped cow poop on her. Never mind that when I perform oral on her, I look like I just ate a dozen glazed doughnuts without using my hands. but 1 drop gets on her and I committed the crime of the century. 

There was 1 time that I suggested watching some "adult content" she didn't want to. Later that week/month/whatever she found some evidence of porn that I watched and she accused me of CHEATING, said that I was a sikko for wanting to watch that filth and said I needed to go to therapy. LMAO...Never mind that she reads every mommy porn book on the market. 50 shades of grey, taken by the boss, Andre something or other as if reading porn is any better.

EVEN With all the evidence of prudish behavior, she thinks she is as dirty as they come. Now I have actually been a pretty dirty guy in the past. (with other women before I met my wife) Nothing too extreme... no candle wax or bondage or ball gags or whips and chains. (actually... there has been some light bondage...lol and 1 girl did like to get whipped.... but that was her thing) 100% of the other girls had no problem with cof/cim, dirty talk or anything kinky. I have the mindset of .... if one of us wants to do something, why hold back. Let the good times roll. 

So here is my question. How can I change this with my wife? She really thinks she is a dirty girl so she has no idea that she could be 1000 times MORE dirty/kinky. The few attempts I have made to be more open and dirty have been met with anger and resistance (all of which she denies ever happened btw). If any of you have dealt with something similar, How did it make you feel and how did you deal with it. Did anyone's issue ever get resolved or did you just give up.

Before anyone suggests it, No I am not going to cheat on her just because I don't have fun sex. (Even though I have had more fun sex with every single woman I have ever been with.) I may eventually leave her, but I am not going to cheat on her. Of course I want to avoid leaving too. Finally, I am a little afraid to even suggest kicking it up a notch for fear of another great blow up. and believe me... she is a woman and can be as heartless, irrational and enraged (in a fight) as any human being God ever put on this Earth. 

Sorry this was so looooong. 
Anyone? Anyone?
Bueller? Bueller?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Dude... I stopped at the cheek-tapping part.

Prude or not, have some respect! Gee whiz!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

I have to agree iwth YinPrincess, cheek-tapping totally disrespectful, and also depending how you did it, the shoulder wiping thing...no class dude.
Maybe there is a general disrespect in your relationship? Maybe she doesn't trust you enough to still respect her if she does what you are asking? Just some ideas, I am no counsellor...
Maybe sex or marriage counselling might help bridge your communication gap here??


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## JenniferLove (Mar 9, 2013)

Wow - reading this was almost like I wrote it. I have the same issues only I am the girl in the relationship. I love flirting, spontaneous, playfulness in bed and any other time of the day that makes me feel a connection with the person I am with. In my past relationships, initiation was evenly matched and I had a very healthy sex life. That is until I got married. I am the first woman my husband has ever lived with. I thought that once we were married and I moved in with him... he would be more comfortable with me, get to know me more and we would be able to find our place. Well, I have always been the initiator. Much like you have described... I have suggested, and tried to introduce a vibrator or a movie, and nothing. I have some guy friends that tell me he is either cheating or gay. I dont get that vibe at all, it is just he has no interest at all in anything of a sexual nature. We have been married almost 6 years and we havent touched each other in almost four years. I am going out of my mind and can
t do this much longer. I am 40 and I want a family but will not beg my husband for sex. What am I missing? I went to a counselor and told him I went and was not happy. He said he would make an appointment ..... he never mentioned it again. I never thought my life would be like this. I am married, and lonely and want affection, intimacy and a connection with someone. I don't want to cheat but I am becoming very weak. I wont live my life this way - I have a roommate not a husband. I would rather be single!!!


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## Not Giving UP (Mar 10, 2013)

i had a similar problem, not to your extent but still. my advice to you is buy a we vibe...that introduced my wife to toys in a non treating kinda way and its fun for the both of us. this lead her to wonder what other toys are out there and even recently started suggesting we watch porn. and you have to make her feel sexy most of all


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

She's no prude. You don't respect her. She doesn't admire or respect you and she's not turned on by you. 

Does she nag you? Do you often try to purposely annoy her? 

I love flirting, playfulness, touching etc. I love sex and I look forward to it. But if I didn't in the past it was because I wasn't attracted to him because of his behaviour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

nofrigginclue:

Yeah, this will NOT be the first time I've been the opposing voice! I don't see ANYTHING WRONG with you PLAYFULLY tapping her face or head with your penis!!! Really?!? She could have made a funny comment, grabbed it (lightly) with her hand, or her mouth (no teeth), or scraped it with her teeth or licked it or WHATEVER! My God, it's sex with her husband....NOT getting gang-banged by strangers! 

And the drop on her shoulder! Disrespectful? HOW???? It's not like you said, 'Clean me up, bytch, I'm done with you!' Where is being playful and doing ANYTHING MORE than PIV disrespectful?!?

My guess is that your wife has a LOT of guilt about sex; probably from her childhood. Reading bodice-rippers allows her to enjoy her sexuality in her head without having to perform acts she's been led to believe are dirty/wrong/unacceptable/etc. She also doesn't have to worry about performance/delivery issues because it's always vanilla (except maybe in her head) and she has experience in vanilla.

There is NO WAY you're going to change this, nofrigginclue, UNLESS *she* can see the value to a more open/honest sex life! All *you* can do is initiate open, honest, non-threatening dialogue about sex in general and your sex lives in particular. 


Can you have a dialogue about *what* each of you was taught about sex as a young person? 
Is your wife open to seeing someone short-term for advice or to receive info on other resources available (books, websites, videos)?
Would she see a couples therapist or sex therapist WITH YOU?
If you can't get HER to see value in change, there will be no change! Hope you two can find some common ground to improve things for both your sakes!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

JenniferLove

I see you're new to TAM, WELCOME!

You *do* need to start your own thread, though. Asking for advice on this thread is considered 'threadjacking' and diverts advice from nofrigginclue's situation. I'm sure you'll find useful information on this thead pertaining to your situation as well, but having your OWN thread will allow you to include more SPECIFIC information about you & your hubby that we might need.

Looking forward to seeing a thread from YOU on the boards, JenniferLove!


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## JenniferLove (Mar 9, 2013)

I agree with you slowlygettingwiser. I think that if she doesnt see the value in changing there wont be any. I am in the same boat. my husband would never go to see a therapist. We dont talk about anything of a sexual nature. it is like taboo.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> She's no prude. You don't respect her.



What??

Apparently you read the letter at the very polar opposite extreme than the way I read the letter. To help me understand, I am just curious.

Based on what exactly is she not a prude?

Based on what exactly does he not respect her?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

nofrigginclue,

Once upon a time I had a similar problem with my spouse, although not to the extreme that you had, at least my wife likes to be "playful" in bed. But like you, we also argued about it quite a bit. You have a bit of an advantage in that at least she reads "Mommy porn" (I totally agree how hypocritical it is for some women to condemn porn for men, while enjoying chick porn!!!!!!! But that is another issue). 

Here's a few things I learned eventually:

1. Arguing won't work. You can't change someone's sexual preferences by arguing. At all. (Conversely, she should understand she can't change YOUR preferences by arguing with you either). 

2. Calmly sit down with her, in a non-sexual context, and tell her how important a varied sex life is to you, and that you aren't being fufilled by the status quo. I would probably add that you are hurt when she gets so angry at your attempts to be playful. Tell her you enjoy the sex, but it's time to change a bit. For example, everyone likes a good steak and potatoes dinner, but eventually you want to try some lobster or some dessert too! DON'T compare her to old girlfriends of yours, although if she says that "nobody does those things", Google some actual data and show her that plenty of people do in fact do "those things". If she doesn't want to talk about it, then ask her for an alternate time that she will talk about it. Make it clear that she can't avoid the topic forever. You won't change her mind here, but at least it will open the door to understand that these things are important to you.

3. This is what really worked with my own wife. After the conversation above, I asked her point blank if there are any kinky things she is willing to do. We actually went down a full list of things that I wanted to do, and out of maybe 20 or so things, I think there where 3 that she was willing to do. Well 3 out of 20 is better than 0 out of 20. And after doing those three, we were able to expand just a little more. It at least opened a door that is still opening bit by bit.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dear Penthouse.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> There were a even few incidents where we even got into fights. For example, one time she was laying in bed with her head at the edge of the bed, we were about to have sex, I walked to her side of the bed and playfully tapped her cheek with my "man part" by wiggling my hips and it tapped her cheek bone and her head. You would have thought that I just shot her with a tazer gun. Well obviously, no sex that night.


This is soooo not sexy. omg. :rofl: I had a bf who would do this and I would get so turned off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP... why is it that you can't see that *you* are the problem here?:scratchhead:

Q) "Gee, why doesn't my wife want porn star sex?"

Well, here is my best guess, old chap... *
A) Because your wife is not a f**king porn star! *

And I doubt very much if porn stars always have 'porn star sex' when they are at home with their wife or husband.

You are disrespecting your wife.

You come across as being quite immature in your attitude.

Your wife is not a prude, by the way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Theseus said:


> What??
> 
> Apparently you read the letter at the very polar opposite extreme than the way I read the letter. To help me understand, I am just curious.
> 
> ...


*Because he mistakes porn star sex for real life?*


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Does your wife understand that you feel rejected when she shuts down all sexual playfulness? 

There is this image of a wife that isn't consistent, to some women, with being sexually playful. Some women see the role of wife as being virtuous and the role of husband as being protector. Slapping the cheek of a virtuous wife with your penis doesn't exactly communicate protection or love to a woman stuck in that mindset. Having said that, I don't think it was disrespectful, per say. But if you know your wife has a narrowly defined view and did something outside that idea, it could be construed as disrespectful.

The way you're going about liberating her doesn't seem to be working for her. Easier said than done but don't take her rejection personally. I like the suggestion made by Theseus. I would also ask her to simply tell you what she thinks is appropriate playfulness in the bedroom and if she can offer YOU suggestions on how to help her be more playful and explorative in the bedroom.

Remind your wife how much you love her and how important sex is, and why being playful can enrich your sex life. Don't Get Defensive! Use "I" statements. I want to love your body and want you to love mine. I want us to be more open and playful. I want to know how best to meet your needs and I hope that will help you feel comfortable meeting my needs to be more playful.

Edited to add: If she thinks you are trying to recreate a porn scene, if she feels like she is not being cherished, you're not likely to get anywhere. So ditch the porn unless/until she feels more secure that your intentions are honorably focused on marital sex and not porn scenes.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

You NEVER know. My ex was very similar to the OP's wife only she NEVER initiated with ME.
However, I did get a look at a home vid after we split, she made with two guys while she was cheating on me and she sure wasn't bashful with them.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

After the reference to no ejaculating on her face or in her mouth (I presume this is what "no CIF and no CIM" means), and the shoulder tapping/wiping business, I have to say that I don't think that it's necessarily a case of your W being a prude, but possibly a case of her feeling disrespected by you.

Whilst I believe that 'anything goes' between two mutually consenting adults, I'm easily turned off by smutty stuff. Not because I'm a prude, but because I just don't find it sexy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> *Because he mistakes porn star sex for real life?*


This is real life sex for me.

There are very few things my wife won't at least try.

The OP's wife is indeed a prude, mild one perhaps but prudish none the less.

There's nothing wrong with that if you marry a man who is similar in his sexuality.

Seems this one didn't so my question to the OP is ...If she's always been this way and won't change why did you marry her to begin with?

Why after all this time is this now becoming a problem?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Whilst I believe that 'anything goes' between two mutually consenting adults, I'm easily turned off by smutty stuff.


Which is the very definition of "prudish" is it not?

Again, I'm not judging but there seem to be many people in this thread defending the wife stating "She's not a prude" while holding up what I see as "Prudish" behavior as evidence for her non-prudishness.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I also agree that you are being very disrespectful. I wouldn't have sex with someone that treated me that way either. I'm not just a piece of meat.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

How is your relationship other wise with your wife?
Do you both have serious and open communication?

If you want your wife to open up more you need to 
ease her into them and not just do things.This
will put her guard walls up.

Has she always been like this in the beginning of your
relationship?

How is her body image of herself?

Do you treat her well and make her feel special?

I'm sure if you both love each other and have a good relationship,she might be willing to try new things.

You just have to go about it in the proper way.

Love,support her and talk and dig.Try to let her open
up why she has this opinion.Never push things as
you will only put her on guard.

Some advice that's worked for me.My wife believed
her body parts were gross.She thought you had
to be a size 0.Shes slowly getting it that fufilling
sex and intamacy in a marriage is good and normal.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *
> A) Because your wife is not a f**king porn star! *
> 
> ...
> ...


MattMatt, did you even read the posting, or just skimmed it? If you STOP SHOUTING for a moment, you will see there is a lot more going on here than lack of "porn star sex". 

Look again, specifically: 



> In the 8+ years we have been in a relationship, I can count the times on 1 hand where she initiated sex. For those VERY few times she will literally say. "ok... im initiating." ...
> 
> During sex there is no playfulness with each others bodies. ... No nipple play, no fun positions, no exploring and no initiative on her part at all. No dirty talk, hardly any sound at all really.



That is basically the textbook definition of prudish. 

Accusing him of "cheating" for looking at porn is also way over the top (especially when she enjoys her own kind of porn). The OP might be "immature", but that's not the core of the problem here.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Gosh, this is what I talk about all the time.

Men learning about the their sexuality and forming their sexuality around pornography and then calling the wife a prude when it's not reciprocated.

Here's the thing about having sex with a woman who's not being paid to sleep with you, it's supposed to be mutually satisfying and pleasurable. Now if you're slipping her a few hundred dollars after each session, then you can make it all about you and she'll call in her next john when you leave.

She has determined that being tapped on her cheek with you d*ck, having cum wiped on her shoulder, and being jizzed on her face are not things that are pleasuarable to her.
And since she has autonomy, she certainly has the right to determine what is and isn't sexually arousing to appealing to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

aribabe said:


> Gosh, this is what I talk about all the time.
> 
> Men learning about the their sexuality and forming their sexuality around pornography and then calling the wife a prude when it's not reciprocated._Posted via Mobile Device_



Apparently Aribabe also didn't read the entire post. *SIGH* :banghead:... What about _*"no playfulness with each others bodies. ... No nipple play, no fun positions, no exploring and no initiative on her part at all. No dirty talk, hardly any sound at all really.*"_? Most of us consider those expectations perfectly normal, and not "formed from pornography".


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Cosmos View Post
> 
> Whilst I believe that 'anything goes' between two mutually consenting adults, I'm easily turned off by smutty stuff.





> Tacoma said: Which is the very definition of "prudish" is it not?



No. Not to me.

I guess we all have our own definition of what is and isn't prudish, but believing "anything goes between two mutually consenting adults" but finding smutty immature behaviour a turn off most certainly doesn't make me a prude.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> No. Not to me.
> 
> I guess we all have our own definition of what is and isn't prudish, but believing "anything goes between two mutually consenting adults" but finding smutty immature behaviour a turn off most certainly doesn't make me a prude.


You're moving the goal posts.

You mentioned nothing about "immature" behavior in your initial post.

You said....



> Originally Posted by Cosmos
> 
> Whilst I believe that 'anything goes' between two mutually consenting adults, I'm easily turned off by smutty stuff.


While I admit the OP may be overly influenced by porn and some of what he speaks of, CIM in particular can easily be deemed degrading, most of what he's talking about is pretty much common run of the mill sexual play between lovers.

The fact that his wife won't participate in these common ordinary acts nor will she initiate sex with him is the very definition of "prude".

Prude:

....perceived as being more uncomfortable than most with sexuality or nudity.

Prude - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

To get angered during a sexual encounter because he touched her cheek with his penis is a bit over the top.
This is indeed a prudish reaction


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Tacoma said: You're moving the goal posts.
> 
> You mentioned nothing about "immature" behavior in your initial post.
> 
> ...


No, I am not changing the goal post. I simply didn't express myself fully enough, perhaps, in my initial post, by omitting to use the word "immature..."

Because the OP's W doesn't like being tapped on the face with her husband's penis, nor having his semen wiped on her shoulder doesn't in and of itself define her as someone who is _"more uncomfortable than most with sexuality or nudity."_



> Tacoma said: To get angered during a sexual encounter because he touched her cheek with his penis is a bit over the top.
> This is indeed a prudish reaction


Perhaps it was, but perhaps this wasn't an isolated incident and his W is turned off by this sort of behaviour from him. 

Personally, if my SO did this to me, my response would be playful - but he isn't in the habit of wiping semen on my shoulder or wanting to ejaculate on my face... Context is everything.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

No I read that, I'm just totally unsurprised that she "seems" closed off to playfullness with him when his idea of playfulness involves her acting like a pornstar.

I imagine it's difficult to feel playful with a man who condemns you for not wanting cum wiped on your shoulder or semen sprayed on your face and in your mouth or a d ick tapped on your cheek.

He's convinced that she's a prude and is the one with the problem, and he is the fun one with no problem. But thta line of thinking is problematic in a mutually sexually satisfying relationship.



Theseus said:


> Apparently Aribabe also didn't read the entire post. *SIGH* :banghead:... What about _*"no playfulness with each others bodies. ... No nipple play, no fun positions, no exploring and no initiative on her part at all. No dirty talk, hardly any sound at all really.*"_? Most of us consider those expectations perfectly normal, and not "formed from pornography".


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't get how she can read mommy porn but doesn't want to do any of it in real life. 
I would try to avoid labels and comparing her to other women. 
This is where she's at. I don't know why she got mad at you for doing those things. She could have just said she didn't like it. 
So now you know she doesn't like it but her anger makes it hard for you to try anything different. 
Maybe you could talk to her outside the bedroom, ask her what she gets out of reading those books and if she would like to read them together. Maybe she's a sub and wants that. She just wants it her way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nofrigginclue (Mar 9, 2013)

Thank you everyone for all the great responses. 

of course a story like this is bound to get mixed answers.

for the most part, I'm not looking for the "you don't respect her she doesn't respect you blah blah blah. Type of answer. The question was diirected to people that HAVE had SIMILAR experiances and how they handled them. 

If we didn't respect each other.... we would not have gotten married or stayed married. I never said we had a bad marriage. Lol. Just bad in 1 area.

A lot of the negative replies seem to be focused on the penis tapping thing. The funny thing is... if this was my 1st sexual partner I may agree with you... but I have had dozens upon dozens of partners (as I am no young buck) and have YET to have a problem with playfulness (even penis tapping) That is why I am so confused now. hence my post. And believe me.... woman can be VERY playful with their vaginas. I could tell you some VERY playful stories about women but they would probably get blocked due to it's sexual content. Ha Ha Ha.

I appreciate the responses, even the ones that judged me incorrectly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Theseus said:


> MattMatt, did you even read the posting, or just skimmed it? If you STOP SHOUTING for a moment, you will see there is a lot more going on here than lack of "porn star sex".
> 
> Look again, specifically:
> 
> ...


I read it three times. And formed the conclusion that the OP needed shouting at.

And the immature "gee, she will not let me come on her face, in her mouth or let me wipe my c**k on her when I have finished coming" whine makes me wonder if he is playing a game with is wife. Rather like when a boy tries to gross his mother out.

BTW, I think you need to follow your own advice about reading a post. I never accused the OP of "cheating." However it is a common problem of some boys to mistake porn star sex for the real deal. It isn't.


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## nofrigginclue (Mar 9, 2013)

To SLOWLY getting wiser - 

You said everything I am thinking. Maybe I worded it wrong to suggest that I just jammed her shoulder in a puddle of Jizz and said "NOW CLEAN IT UP... YOU DISGUST ME" I was being silly and believe me when I tell you... more girls that NOT (that I have been with) have been the one that does dirty things with the ... ejaculate. Things that I didn't even initiate. but 1 drop on the shoulder turned into a freak out. 

And it's not like I have never been the recipient of a playful woman that enjoys the spirit of the game. This isn't exactly my first rodeo. 

To answer your very good questions.
hmmm
I don't know how well a conversation with her would go about the topic. The only conversations we have had thus far lead her to tell me how dirty she is. Lol. I didn't want to combat her idea she has about herself, so I let it go.

therapist... possibly. But we would have to go with her thinking the issue was me and somehow migrate towards her road blocks. Remember... She is a dirty girl. 

I am thinking there won't be any change but I will try my best.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> nofrigginclue:
> 
> Yeah, this will NOT be the first time I've been the opposing voice! I don't see ANYTHING WRONG with you PLAYFULLY tapping her face or head with your penis!!! Really?!? She could have made a funny comment, grabbed it (lightly) with her hand, or her mouth (no teeth), or scraped it with her teeth or licked it or WHATEVER! My God, it's sex with her husband....NOT getting gang-banged by strangers!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Assuming everything else is ok in your relationship, and I think there might be other issues, the cheek tapping wouldn't be such a big issue. I wouldn't find it disrespectful. It takes a lot to offend me. I probably would have laughed and made a joke. 

I think your wife has deep seated issues about how good girls behave and what sex should be in a marital relationship. There's no reason you HAVE to be limited to three positions or be the only one who initiates sex. That has nothing to do with porn star sex, whatever that means. It's like she's put you on a diet. "For the next 40 years, we're going to have meatloaf; baked chicken; and chili. That's it. You'd better like it because I'm not offering anything else." It doesn't have to be that way and it shouldn't be that way. It doesn't have to be boredom. Even if I eat at the same restaurant for 50 years, I don't have to eat the same dish on its menu each time I dine there. I can do something different each time so that the experience isn't the same old thing each time. It's about creativity, imagination, changing things up... 

How are you treating her the rest of the day? Have you put on weight? Has she? How are your finances? Do you have privacy in the house? ALL of those can impact how she reacts to sex. If all those are non-issues then I think you need to open a dialogue with her about this issue because clearly it's bothering you. Left unaddressed you might be ripe for an affair which I'd never recommend.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> MattMatt
> she will not let me come on her face, in her mouth or let me wipe my c**k on her when I have finished coming" whine makes me wonder if he is playing a game with is wife


You're EXAGGERATING!

What he said is that

he gets 3 standard positions
she gives 'duty oral', but doesn't enjoy it
she gets oral from him
she has rarely initiated (and did it ENTIRELY unenthusiastically)
wastes her time and sexual energy on bodice-ripper PORN, but HE'S a "perv" for viewing regular porn (hypocrite much?)
she won't talk, joke, play ENGAGE IN ANY WAY during intimate sexual encounters...it's oral on her or PIV *ONLY*
he wiped ONE DROP of semen on her SHOULDER and she was highly offended (didn't 'wipe his c0ck on her!)
he tapped her face/head with his penis and she was offended (didn't take his member in hand and BEAT HER FACE with it)
he STATED that he did CIF & CIM with PREVIOUS girlfriends...not even sure he has ASKED his wife about this (sounds like she might have a seizure upon hearing the question!) Sounds as though this is something he can't EVEN request or discuss with her!
*nofrigginclue*: HAVE you discussed or requested CIF or CIM with wife? If not, why not? If so, what was her reaction?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I read it three times. And formed the conclusion that the OP needed shouting at.
> ...
> 
> BTW, I think you need to follow your own advice about reading a post. I never accused the OP of "cheating." However it is a common problem of some boys to mistake porn star sex for the real deal. It isn't.


BINGO!! Thank you, just proved my very point.

omg.... IT WAS THE *OP* THAT SAID HIS WIFE ACCUSED HIM OF CHEATING BY LOOKING AT PORN, not you! So much for reading his post "three times" as you claimed.


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## nofrigginclue (Mar 9, 2013)

To Thesus / anonpink / TACOMA Thanks a BUNCH for your words. 

Tacoma - You are spot on. SPOT ON. with 1 exception. You guys seem to think that I base my sex life on porn. I rarly if EVER look at porn. I have based my sex life on my own past sex life.
The woman I have been with have all been pretty wild once we hit the bedroom. Maybe I was just lucky. Lol but the woman I have been with shaped my expectations ... not porn. I know Porn isn't real....Just like I know mainstream movies aren't real. I also don't go to strip clubs. Just because she found I visited a porn site in my history doesn't mean I base my who sex image on porn.
FYI - the porn site I was on had to do with a celebrity home movie and I wanted to see the celebrity. It is what it is. Doesn't mean I am immature or base my sex life on porn. 

I generally just ignor the negative comments as I wasn't asking people If the problem was her or me. Or why she should or shouldn't like something.
I know the problem isn't HER or ME. 
I think the negative posters must have misread my post. They seem to think that I was saying every time I have sex with her I pop her in the face with my junk push her down and release on her front/back/face/shoulder. I very clearly said... It was ONLY A FEW times. We have been together 8 years. LOL. FEW means FEW. Not hundreds.

I guess people have funny interpretations. I also did not solicit advice from other prudes. I clearly said .... has anyone ever been married to someone like this and how did you handle it? LOL.
And for the record.... Anyone who thinks getting touched on their face by a penis is a turn off.... well you very well MAY be a prude. Do you know how many females slap themSELVES in the face with my man part during oral??? Even agressivly at times. I mean come on. So although I do understand that there are prudes out there, I really wasn't asking for advise from them. thank you all for your words just the same though. 

Thesus - good advice, brother. Hey... If it worked for you, There is hope.
nevergvup - Relationship is pretty darn good otherwise. Decent communication. Mutual respect. Good times are had outside of the bedroom. We are both loving and supportive. Both very financially successful and support each other in that area. And I agree that open communication and taking it slowly are optimal but sometimes in the throws of passion .... ya know.... things happen.

Thanks again everyone. I will try to keep you posted (while sparing you the details) to the outcome.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Theseus said:


> BINGO!! Thank you, just proved my very point.
> 
> omg.... IT WAS THE *OP* THAT SAID HIS WIFE ACCUSED HIM OF CHEATING BY LOOKING AT PORN, not you! So much for reading his post "three times" as you claimed.


You failed to make the point clearly enough. That's not my fault.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

There are several things that posters have said that are the main points you should investigate instead of figuring out if your wife is the definition of prude or not. 

I have read many of those "books" and enjoy them greatly. I believe some woman (not all) enjoy those not only because of the kinky sex but because of how the men behave and treat those women. 
Men in those books make women feel as if they are the most amazing creatures and only their pleasure is important. Those men know how to take a woman who is uncomfortable with her body and insecure about sex and make her feel safe and comfortable and have complete trust in her partner. 
If you don't make your wife feel loved, respected, beautiful, and secure in her desires, then she will enjoy reading about sex rather than having it with you. Wiping your cum on her may not offend some but it does offend her, therefore that is not the way to make her open up more to you. 

The other thing that many have pointed out is while she enjoys reading about it, it doesn't mean she is comfortable with the knowledge that it turns her on. Society, friends, and family, all fill our heads with what is proper and "normal". It is often difficult for someone to get past these notions and let their kink flag fly. She might have never been able to feel comfortable with her own body and pleasure to allow you to bring her body pleasure. 

Instead of calling her names, you need to sincerely make her pleasure the priority and let her know that you want her to be comfortable finding the same pleasure that the women in those books have. She will most likely deny she wants anything to change so you will have to continue to respectfully and slowly carry on the conversation. 

That was my very long two cents.....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

nofrigginclue said:


> EVEN With all the evidence of prudish behavior, she thinks she is as dirty as they come.


Well there is your clue. If she thinks she is dirty, then she probably is. Your butter-wouldn't-melt wife is full to the brim with steamy fantasies.

But don't even think for one minute she is going to tell you about them. You have to be much more subtle than that. To be honest, after reading your post, I'm not sure if you have it in you to unlock her secret fantasies. I'm not saying that to put you down, it's more a vein attempt to get you to prove me wrong.

A guy on another forum taught me how to get into the mind of women. It's not easy. And you have picked a difficult one. But if you can pull it off, you will be shocked at what she is into.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think the biggest clue is in what she reads. You think the boss is 'taken by the boss' gives a crap that she's pissed about being cummed on? I think maybe your dynamic is wrong. Have you read any of those books?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If she has to make the choice to accept these things it makes her feel bad about herself, so she'll choose 'no'. But if the control is taken from her and she no longer has the choice, that frees her to enjoy it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think the biggest clue is in what she reads.


Totally. As men we're hunting for clues. But we must not look like we're hunting for clues


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By the way, please do not mistake a fantasy for something that someone wants in real life. They often do not.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Kermitty said:


> There are several things that posters have said that are the main points you should investigate instead of figuring out if your wife is the definition of prude or not.
> 
> I have read many of those "books" and enjoy them greatly. I believe some woman (not all) enjoy those not only because of the kinky sex but because of how the men behave and treat those women.
> Men in those books make women feel as if they are the most amazing creatures and only their pleasure is important. Those men know how to take a woman who is uncomfortable with her body and insecure about sex and make her feel safe and comfortable and have complete trust in her partner.
> ...


Yes, but you're giving the game away! The OP needs to acquire some sensitivity first, or he is just going to drive his wife's desire to hide her true nature even deeper. I have been there and done that, learn from my mistakes, all ye who read this!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP I can't see anywhere in your post you saying you wife used to be sex mad, into watching porn, enthusiastic BJs...to completion, swinging naked from the trapeze...

Has she EVER been that way?

You say in your op that the other women you shagged, before you married, were great/fun in bed...not like your wife.

So why did you make her your wife if she was such a prude and not fun in bed? It's clearly very important to you...your here at TAM discussing it and you mention it being a possible deal breaker in the marriage.

I have to say... your sex life does sound very limited and it's probably getting boring. But what you think of as fun or sexy is clearly NOT what your wife thinks is fun and sexy. 
Do you ever talk about sex when your not in a sexual situation? I would suggest making an effort to start communicating about this issue...before it does (more) harm to your marriage.

PS: A man swinging his penis looks beyond ridiculous (never mind the cheek tap). So incredibly not-sexy. A true turn off.
You say it was for 'fun'.. to be comical maybe ...but when did THAT ever get a man laid. 
Think sexy and manly not court jester.

Think about it dude...she's reading 50 shades... and your swinging your willy at her


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

waiwera said:


> *Think about it dude...she's reading 50 shades... and your swinging your willy at her*


That just needed to be bolded and underlined because that was damn funny! Oh the image... Must wash eye balls!


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

waiwera said:


> PS: A man swinging his penis looks beyond ridiculous (never mind the cheek tap). So incredibly not-sexy. A true turn off.
> You say it was for 'fun'.. to be comical maybe ...but when did THAT ever get a man laid.
> Think sexy and manly not court jester.
> 
> Think about it dude...she's reading 50 shades... and your swinging your willy at her


Well put indeed !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If she has to make the choice to accept these things it makes her feel bad about herself, so she'll choose 'no'. But if the control is taken from her and she no longer has the choice, that frees her to enjoy it.


While I LOVE this idea...we're talking real life and if she got her panties in a snit over getting her cheek bumped....

I will send this suggestion off to Mr. Pink along with some silk scarves:smthumbup:


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## nofrigginclue (Mar 9, 2013)

you guys with all the criticism are quite comical. You DID read that we have been married for 8 years and you DID read that I only did the cheek tap ONCE right? 1 time in the 3000 days of our relationship and you guys say I need to get sensitive. Really? 

Maybe this wasn't the correct place to ask the question. I am getting the feeling that you guys have a predetermined idea that I walk in every day whip my junk out and slap her around with it. Jizz on her face and walk away mad if she complains. When that isn't even .0001% correct. 

Fyi it was the same thing with the jizz on her shoulder... 1 time. ONCE in 3000 days of our relationship. I acted a little silly she freaked, lesson learned. Plus you seem way way too focused on the 10 seconds (in 8 years) that i touched her cheek and not on anything else I said. Well 5 or 6 of you got it.

Sheesh. (is there an emoji with the guy banging his head on the wall? hahaha)

Lets go ahead and close this thread. 90% of you guys don't have a clue. Sorry... but you don't. I never asked anyone to explain her actions. I never asked anyone to point out if the issue was mine or hers. Most of you guys are answering questions that were never asked. There have been a few great posts though. And thank you.

I guess I should consider myself lucky that my sex life for 25 years was a carnival ride and not dwell on the fact the carnival left town. LOL.

P.s. - I married my wife because I loved her and no she wasn't a freak in bed. But she was slowly opening up the longer we dated and into our marriage. I guess she reached the limit of what she would or wouldn't do. That's all.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Only you know your wife and know if the more forceful approach will work...my guess is no from what you have said so far. So I would look at what she has told you so far....verbally and by her actions.

1. She likes erotic books
- so buy one and offer to read it in bed with her. Tell her something like "I want to better understand what you like and don't....I seem to be approaching it wrong and upsetting you and really just want your pleasure you the best way I can".

2. Eww factor, ok they only way I know to get past that is getting desensitization. 
- so take the action to the shower, hot tub or bath tub. Everything nice and clean there. ;-) When I was young I was a little squimish too...but the make we did things the more I got used to them. 
- by the way drinking pinapple juice helps the taste of your fluids during ejaculation ....makes you taste better. Have no clue why but google it, it works.

Try a less aggressive more encouraging approach. Her telling you "I'm initiating" seems out of character to her other actions...you sure she hasn't tried to initiate and you completely missed it because it was too subtle?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> OP... why is it that you can't see that *you* are the problem here?:scratchhead:
> 
> Q) "Gee, why doesn't my wife want porn star sex?"
> 
> ...


So, you feel that expecting more than three intercourse positions is kinky and excessive? Expecting some oral and variety is now "porn star" sex? Based on what?

A 30-second browsing of Google yielded this article:

11 Surprising Facts About America’s Sexual Behaviors | World of Psychology

The reported results indicate that a _supermajority_ of respondents participate in oral sex with members of the opposite gender. Have you found your support for oral sex being "porn star" sex yet?

Seriously, you slamming this guy for wanting a varied sex life is harmful and wrong. That you do it by lying is absurd.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

waiwera said:


> PS: A man swinging his penis looks beyond ridiculous (never mind the cheek tap). So incredibly not-sexy. A true turn off.
> You say it was for 'fun'.. to be comical maybe ...but when did THAT ever get a man laid.
> Think sexy and manly not court jester.
> 
> Think about it dude...she's reading 50 shades... and your swinging your willy at her


No kidding! I'm not a prude. I'm up for pretty much any position we are physically capable of doing...and there are only a few things I say "hell no!" to, which is fine with him because he has no interest in those things either. But if he were to shake his d!ck in my face, and then smack my cheek with it, I'd be turned off, too. To me, it's repulsive. And if I had been planning on having sex that night, an act like that would kill the mood for me. Sorry, it just would.

As for the "drop on her shoulder"... was it TRULY a drop that just dribbled off, or did OP actually wipe a little off on the shoulder? He DID say he was being "playful" by HIS standards... If he did this, knowing how she feels about it, then yes, he WAS wrong. Sorry, but doing something deliberately, just to get a rise out of her, is very childish....again, another turnoff. And if he regularly behaves like this? Frankly, I would confine to only three positions if my husband behaved like that too! Fortunately, he doesn't, though.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You failed to make the point clearly enough. That's not my fault.


Not sure if that was sarcasm or what, but it doesn't matter if I was clear or not, because the OP made it very clear and you missed it. Probably because you were focused like a laser beam on the one issue of him tapping her face with his member, as if it was a daily event (looks like *Maricha, Aribabe, LittleDeer, and Cosmos* did that as well). So instead of giving constructive suggestions to the OP, you only insult him. That's not going to help.

Sure, maybe he acts a little immature, but let's get real. Even if only half his post is true, any objective reading of it shows deep problems his wife has with sex. Be honest here. Do you seriously think that if he stopped joking around then his wife would turn around 180 degrees and start enjoying sex? The problems are much deeper than that. 

If she doesn't like sex, then she doesn't like it. There's nothing inherently wrong with that (unless she deliberately mislead him before the marriage - he's not clear about that), but for the couple to be happy here, the husband isn't the only one who needs to change his attitude - the wife also needs to make an effort here. That's why I gave the OP a few suggestions to help build that bridge.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

My ex was exactly this way, so I understand the dynamic well. I think what most folks don't grasp is the OP has likely tried all sorts of behaviors to get his wife to open up:

* Doting on her
* Waiting on her to initiate
* Trying to get her to talk about her preferences
* Asking her to say what she needs to be more adventurous
* Trying different things sexually.

And, he probably has not gotten any positive sexual response from any of this. But, he has gotten negative responses as noted in this posts.

I don't think that his wife reads 50 Shades necessarily means anything. I just read two summaries of the book and noticed:

* The guy is portrayed as young (late 20s), extremely wealthy, and very handsome.
* He dotes all over the woman - buys her expensive gifts and spirits her away in a helicopter.
* The woman likes to be doted on but tires quickly of his needs.

For all we know, the OP's wife views this strictly as fantasy. Or she thinks "I wish I had a rich stud to lavish attention on me" while ignoring the sexual intent of the relationship. I have seen women who have an amazing ability to do just that.

My take is that Nofrigginclue's wife has three issues:

* She is prudish. I sense mistaught Christianity (accusing him of cheating by looking at porn - which is technically correct but ignores the context of her responsibility to him).
* She's rigid and chooses to not put in the work it would take to "up her game".
* She's blame shifting. She does not care enough to change, but if she tells you that you will do less for her. She doesn't want to pay that price, so she characterizes herself as "right" or "normal" and you as "wrong", "perverted", etc.

If the bad sex is a serious issue for you, I'd say it's "180" time. Reduce the emphasis on sex - maybe even go on a moratorium if you find you can't be happy without it. At the same time, do less for her. Let her feel how it is to be considered unimportant.

She should figure out pretty quick what the deal is. If she bothers to ask what your deal is or what you want, tell her:

* You know that you're not overly demanding sexually or a pervert. You two simply have different sexual styles and needs, and yours are as valid as hers.
* You know she can meet your sexual needs (even if she needs to self-improve to do so comfortably). The issue is that she chooses to not do so.
* The days of her expecting to ignore your needs with impunity are over. If she ignores your important needs (in the bedroom), she gets ignored elsewhere. If she wants you to work hard for her, then she needs to work hard for you.

Before I get flamed, the object here is not for the OP to shock or scare his wife to have the sex that he wants. The object is to shock his wife ideally into admitting the issue and getting the help she needs to overcome her baggage. Or, if she refuses she can at least agree that this is not a "right" vs. "wrong" issue and she should not expect to get more than she is giving.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Not sure if that was sarcasm or what, but it doesn't matter if I was clear or not, because the OP made it very clear and you missed it. Probably because you were focused like a laser beam on the one issue of him tapping her face with his member, as if it was a daily event (looks like *Maricha, Aribabe, LittleDeer, and Cosmos* did that as well). So instead of giving constructive suggestions to the OP, you only insult him. That's not going to help.
> 
> Sure, maybe he acts a little immature, but let's get real. Even if only half his post is true, any objective reading of it shows deep problems his wife has with sex. Be honest here. Do you seriously think that if he stopped joking around then his wife would turn around 180 degrees and start enjoying sex? The problems are much deeper than that.
> 
> If she doesn't like sex, then she doesn't like it. There's nothing inherently wrong with that (unless she deliberately mislead him before the marriage - he's not clear about that), but for the couple to be happy here, the husband isn't the only one who needs to change his attitude - the wife also needs to make an effort here. That's why I gave the OP a few suggestions to help build that bridge.


I agree, there is likely something wrong, where she has deep seated issues regarding sex. And, I also agree that, unless she misled him, then there's nothing wrong with her NOT liking sex. But, if you read my post completely, Theseus, I didn't write my response as if it was a "daily event". I said that if that ever happened with my husband, it would turn ME off, as well.... and I don't have the issues (or at least not all of the issues?) she has. If he deliberately did those things, whether one time or many, knowing that she would get pissed off, then HE screwed up there. Seriously, why would you purposely piss someone off, when you know they have issues? 

Anyway, yes, she has issues... with regard to sex in general, I believe. But some of the things she doesn't like aren't so far-fetched: cum in mouth, cum on face, not enjoying BJs... not every woman, married or not, likes those things. Not every wife will allow her husband to cum in her mouth. I know I never did while I was pregnant. And I have seen other posts on here where some wives NEVER do. So what? Are they deal breakers? "I'm leaving you because you won't let me cum in your mouth nor on your face!" "I'm leaving you because you don't enjoy giving me BJs!"...If those are deal breakers for him, so be it. But she doesn't have to allow hem. And she doesn't have to enjoy them. And, she doesn't have to like when he shakes his d!ck in her face (be it one time or many) nor when he taps her cheek with it. And she doesn't have to like if he wipes the tip on her shoulder after he cums (whether one drop or more)... If he knows these things about her, why in the world would he deliberately piss her off? That's what I'd like to know...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DTO said:


> So, you feel that expecting more than three intercourse positions is kinky and excessive? Expecting some oral and variety is now "porn star" sex? Based on what?
> 
> A 30-second browsing of Google yielded this article:
> 
> ...


his little fun tricks are common motifs of porn star sex.

And you searched for an article to support your position and you found that article? How fascinating for you.

By the way, my comment did seem to resonate with a number of posters, so perhaps you might like to remove your comment


> Have you found your support for oral sex being "porn star" sex yet?


as it would appear to be redundant. 

If you are married to someone who only wants sex in three positions, then, guess what? That's what you get. Sex in those three positions.

Sex therapy might be of benefit under those circumstances, but there has to be a certain amount of give and take. Both sides might need to compromise and both must be willing to show respect.

Him using the term "prude" to describe his wife is unhelpful as it is pejorative and, from his wife's point of view, will look like what it is. An attack on her understanding of sexuality.

She reads 50 Shades of Grey? And? What of it? Doesn't mean that she should find him wiping his come on her as anything other than disrespectful. Which it was. That sounds like the kind of trick a boy of 18 might find funny. Often just before his girl friend punches him in the crotch.

And I didn't lie. That was an unfair attack.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Maricha75:
> If he knows these things about her, why in the world would he deliberately piss her off? That's what I'd like to know...


Although I agree in general with your post, I have to wonder WHY you're assuming he's doing it repeatedly to piss off his wife?

*I* ASSUMED the one and only time he tapped her face with his member, she went BALLISTIC.

I assumed the one and only time he wiped a drop on her shoulder, she got pissy!

If he's done it MORE THAN ONCE after knowing it upsets her, shame on him...he's being a douche.

If she went over the edge the one-and-only time he tried it (playfully, I might add AGAIN), then SHE is being a douche.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Theseus said:


> What??
> 
> Apparently you read the letter at the very polar opposite extreme than the way I read the letter. To help me understand, I am just curious.
> 
> Based on what exactly is she not a prude?


We are seeing one side of the issue.

She obviously enjoys erotic stories, and instead of having a great relationship with her husband, where they can easily communicate fantasy, she's turning to books and he to porn. They are missing each other. 

I have been in relationships before where I didn't feel safe and comfortable discussing my fantasies and desires, and I have allways had them and been very sexual in my own head lol, but I wouldn't even feel attracted to this man as he describes himself here, let alone feel enough desire to let go in the bedroom.



> Based on what exactly does he not respect her?


Smacking her in the face with his penis is ridiculous. That is disrespectful and silly.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> If he knows these things about her, why in the world would he deliberately piss her off? That's what I'd like to know...


I'm pretty confident that he didn't expect it to piss her off that much. Anyway, after everything else didn't work, I assume he felt he had nothing to lose by trying something nutty.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

To OP, 

I think you may be confusing some issues. 

It seems you and your wife have a different sense of humor when you are being what I shall kindly refer to as being playful. She doesnt like it. Its a turn off for her likely because she finds it disrespectful. Turning her off will not open her up. You have to get a grip on that or her opening up and trusting you with more adventurous sexual activities is not ever going to happen because she doesnt trust you in that area of her vulnerability.

Few things are more nauseating than having to endure a sense of humor different than your own. You have to be conscious of that. 

If you were dating someone new and they found your sense of humor offputting, then you dont get a second date and you sure as hell dont get to second or third base. That doesnt change just because you are married. 

Your humor wiping cum on her shoulder and hitting her in the face reminds me of my wife telling one of my daughters friends to lighten up on the potty humor when they are getting out of bounds. 

I have studied humor as a part time comic and comedy writer. Every joke has a victim. In your examples your wife is the victim. Dissing her by doing something silly and making her feel degraded and stupid isnt funny to her. 

Other people would find it funny but she does not. Neither is correct. Its a matter of preference. I like filthy comics. My BIL does not. Each to his own.

In regard to your wifes sexual limitations I agree with you it is disappointing but the labels rile up the hen house as you can see. I also disagree a desire for sexual variety is influenced by or is porn like. Sexual variety and adventure within a successful marriage is a well known desire and spice of nearly every happliy spouse over the course of long term marriage and being uptight about exploring them is often a recipe for frustration for the more adventurous spouse. 

It also can be an indicator though if it is not happening that you are not connecting with your spouse the way you should be. You have to look at that and resolve it or you will be stuck in your present state of vanilla sex or worse.

The issue I see is your approach of pressing an unworkable unappreciated type of humor on your wife which kills intimacy and trust. I would rather see you try to be on your best behavior as if you were courting and then discuss your interest in more variety with her once you have built up the trust more with more respectful behavior.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Mr Used To Know said: It seems you and your wife have a different sense of humor when you are being what I shall kindly refer to as being playful. She doesnt like it. Its a turn off for her likely because she finds it disrespectful. Turning her off will not open her up. You have to get a grip on that or her opening up and trusting you with more adventurous sexual activities is not ever going to happen because she doesnt trust you in that area of her vulnerability.


:iagree:

The best way to make a woman more adventurous is to show your desire and passion for her, whilst at the same time instilling trust and confidence in her by showing her your love and respect.

There's little (if anything) I would deny my SO, because I know that I can trust him implicitly and he has never shown me anything but manly respect.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I find this post both funny and sad. It seems so cavalier and silly to me. it is a laugh but sad for his poor wife. 

I think you are making a few mistakes. First of all, the name calling. That is never productive and certainly not loving. 

Why would you call a woman, whom i assume you love, a name? And you invite strangers to do the same. She is your wife, someone your chose. At its best, this is dysloyal and at its worse, contemptuous. What do you expect of her? 

Much of what you mentioned is for your pleasure not mutual pleasure. Maybe it is due to the fact that she has come to represent a roadblock in your quest for sexual pleasure? Why not find things that bring you both enjoyment? 

Have you considered this- what pleasure would she get out of having your squirt on her face? How about cum in her mouth, if she does not like it? Tapping her I the face with your penis? Meh 

What is nipple play? Clamps, electrodes?  I hope you mean stimulation of her breast. If she is not sensitive in that area, then what?

Do you see a pattern here? She is not a prude Just because she expects sex with you to have some reciprocity. Why should she not? 

I think you lost your way. You are [email protected] not loving. you seem to regard sex with your wife as a series of acts for your entertainment. Remember, she has feelings, likes and dislikes too. 

Goodness, comparing her to your ex's why didnt you marry one of them? I think you would be happier if you took things down a notch and think of what you are doung. 

It may help to ditch the porn. I hear it helps you to focus on your partner as a human and not attempt to replicate porn scenes. I don't know if that your problem but it won't hurt to try it. 

Oh and finally the statement about leaving her is very careless. at lest be an honest man. She should know that you consider her and your family disposable.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Theseus said:


> Not sure if that was sarcasm or what, but it doesn't matter if I was clear or not, because the OP made it very clear and you missed it. Probably because you were focused like a laser beam on the one issue of him tapping her face with his member, as if it was a daily event (looks like *Maricha, Aribabe, LittleDeer, and Cosmos* did that as well). So instead of giving constructive suggestions to the OP, you only insult him. That's not going to help.
> 
> Sure, maybe he acts a little immature, but let's get real. Even if only half his post is true, any objective reading of it shows deep problems his wife has with sex. Be honest here. Do you seriously think that if he stopped joking around then his wife would turn around 180 degrees and start enjoying sex? The problems are much deeper than that.
> 
> If she doesn't like sex, then she doesn't like it. There's nothing inherently wrong with that (unless she deliberately mislead him before the marriage - he's not clear about that), but for the couple to be happy here, the husband isn't the only one who needs to change his attitude - the wife also needs to make an effort here. That's why I gave the OP a few suggestions to help build that bridge.


She seems to like sex. She may not like some of the sex he is offering. 

If something turns her off, what is the problem with not doing it? Is face proding with penises the new oral? 

Sex is not supossed to be one person imposing their likes on another but finding overlapping likes. 

He does not like all sex acts i am sure and he does not need to have them imposed on him. Neither does she.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Why would you call a woman, whom i assume you love, a name?


Well, OK, but "prude" is pretty mild as far as names go (some might even take it as a compliment), and the dictionary definition fits. 



> Much of what you mentioned is for your pleasure not mutual pleasure. Maybe it is due to the fact that she has come to represent a roadblock in your quest for sexual pleasure? Why not find things that bring you both enjoyment?


Catherine, did you even read the post? Like a few others here, it looks like you are obsessing over one item in his post and ignoring the rest of it, namely this part:

"_In the 8+ years we have been in a relationship, I can count the times on 1 hand where she initiated sex. For those VERY few times she will literally say. "ok... im initiating." ... no fun positions, no exploring and no initiative on her part at all. No dirty talk, hardly any sound at all really._"



> What is nipple play? Clamps, electrodes? I hope you mean stimulation of her breast. If she is not sensitive in that area, then what?


Wow. Why on Earth would you assume that he was referring to clamps and electrodes??? You are really reaching for something to beat him up with, aren't you?



> It may help to ditch the porn. I hear it helps you to focus on your partner as a human and not attempt to replicate porn scenes.


Maybe. But if he gives up his, then she should give up hers, right?



> Oh and finally the statement about leaving her is very careless. at lest be an honest man. She should know that you consider her and your family disposable.


Divorcing a spouse, particularly over irreconcilable differences, is not the same thing as "disposing" of a family, and you know it. 



Catherine602 said:


> She seems to like sex.


You and I are really reading two different posts entirely.

Catherine, I have no idea why, but it seems like you have an ax to grind here. It really, really looks like you are deliberately going out of your way to portray this guy in the worst way you possibly can.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Theseus: You and I are really reading two different posts entirely.
> 
> Catherine, I have no idea why, but it seems like you have an ax to grind here. It really, really looks like you are deliberately going out of your way to portray this guy in the worst way you possibly can.


Theseus, you also implied in an early post that I and a few others had done a similar thing...

I read the OP from beginning to end and have given MY perspective, as others have given theirs. 

I don't believe that it is helpful to simply agree with the OP that his wife is a prude because she's less than enthusiastic about certain things, and doesn't initiate well or often enough; but I do believe that it might be helpful for him to hear that many women would find some of the things he does a complete turn off.

If we want to change something, IMO, we need to take a long hard look at ourselves first and decide if there's something that we need to change, too...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Well, OK, but "prude" is pretty mild as far as names go (some might even take it as a compliment), and the dictionary definition fits.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yup. I know from first hand experience that 3 position sex for decades on end becomes exceedingly boring. Ok, so maybe her preference is to have that kind of sex. If he is supposed to respect that then doesn't she have ANY responsibility to meet in the middle? Anyway, I didn't get the impression she likes sex. I got the impression she tolerates sex to placate her husband. She does the absolute minimum required to get him off her back.

I'll tell you something though....8 years is nothing. After you've had that kind of sex for a couple decades you'll find that you have a difficult time even getting hard for your wife, the boredom will turn you off so much. And you'll start to wonder if that wasn't the goal all along.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Sex is not supossed to be one person imposing their likes on another but finding overlapping likes.


Really? According to who? I don't believe this is the case, at least not with someone as sexually limited as the OP's wife. In order to find mutual satisfaction at that overlap, both partners need to be willing to push themselves so that there can be a reasonable overlap.

I would recommend that anyone believing the quote read "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch. He coined a phrase that described your scenario - "Sexual Leftovers".

The author states very clearly that such behavior is what kills passion in marriage. It happens when an immature person ties his or her self-worth to sex acts. As in, somebody thinks "good girls / boys don't do XYZ" and then refuses to participate.

By contrast, a mature person realizes that his or her spouse has different needs that deserve consideration. That person knows sexual acts don't define a person. Once you progress beyond "that's perverted, so I'm perverted if I do it, so I won't do it" you are free to provide the variety needed to keep the relationship passionate.

My take: her sexual behavior has put the marriage in a rut. The marriage feels routine and boring. So, because it's in a rut, she provides boring sex. The irony of the situation is that she is causing the rut; the marriage will not improve until she chooses to mature and step up her sexual game.

ETA: The other alternative is that she is stifled sexually not because the marriage feels boring to her but because that's just who she is. Even so, this is still an issue of the marriage being in a rut because of her sexual inhibitions, and the marriage will not improve until the sex does.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> She might start to like what almost everyone else likes if he shared this with her. I kind of doubt it.
> 
> Almost everybody loves chocolate ice cream but that does not change my preference for coffee ice cream.
> 
> Besides, you can't believe every thing you read on the internet. You don't know the motives behind a story like this.


Again, the point is not her sexual preferences per se. The point is that she is denying any responsibility for his sexual happiness. Her argument is she is not a prude - which basically means that her sexual preferences are mainstream and his are extreme.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

DTO said:


> Again, the point is not her sexual preferences per se. The point is that she is denying any responsibility for his sexual happiness. Her argument is she is not a prude - which basically means that her sexual preferences are mainstream and his are extreme.


The point does seem to be her sexual preferences, because from what he's telling us they don't appear to gel with his. If his sexual preferences make her unhappy, it doesn't automatically follow that she must take responsibility for his happiness at the expense of her own.. They need to compromise.

Her denying that she's a prude is not telling him that his preferences are extreme. It is her telling him that just because they have different preferences, this doesn't necessarily make her a prude. 

Frankly, though, I'm not convinced that this is just about preferences. My take is that this is about a man who has a rather immature and off-putting approach with his wife.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I think your wife is a serious prude and you just married the wrong person who is not your sexual fit,putting your penis next to your wifes cheek is not a fighting issue . 

You can either keep trying to help her change and be ready for the fights or you can start looking to get out if this bothers you this much. The other option is to see who beats who to the grave because life is moving.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Although I agree in general with your post, I have to wonder WHY you're assuming he's doing it repeatedly to piss off his wife?
> 
> *I* ASSUMED the one and only time he tapped her face with his member, she went BALLISTIC.
> 
> ...


Again... I'm not assuming he is doing it REPEATEDLY. I am saying if these are the TYPES of things she doesn't like, WHY WOULD HE DO THEM ANYWAY? And why is it so hard to comprehend that.

And I even said, in the same post you and Theseus quoted above:


Maricha75 said:


> If he deliberately did those things, whether one time or many, knowing that she would get pissed off, then HE screwed up there.


In other words: If he knew beforehand that this TYPE of thing would piss her off, then he screwed up. If he didn't know, then yes, she was being a b!tch.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Listen, if I am wrong, I will absolutely admit it, AND apologize for it. But it would be nice if NFC would post again. I know he hasn't run away... 

As to Theseus question about whether NFC's wife should give up her books... absolutely. Anything that is drawing either of them from each other needs to go.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

It sounds like to me he did these things one time then she flipped out now after she flipped out he might have done them again since he knew it would get under her skin and he was angry at her for being a prude but I don't think so.


Its sonds like she is just a prude when it can be only 3 postions along with flipping. 

This Iis why I say when you are dating get wild in the bedroom and hold nothing back,because if somebody is a prude they most likely will not stay with you even though there are a few who will just for the ring.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> It sounds like to me he did these things one time then she flipped out now after she flipped out he might have done them again since he knew it would get under her skin and he was angry at her for being a prude but I don't think so.
> 
> 
> Its sonds like she is just a prude when it can be only 3 postions along with flipping.
> ...


If, as some have speculated, this goes back to repressed feelings due to religious upbringing, then she would likely have NOT had sex with him before marrying, so that wouldn't work either. But if they DID have sex before marrying, and she was like this all along, I wonder why NFC would have thought it would change after they married...


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Maricha75-That is a good point and I think most people think the person will change or they can change the other person.

I think some people think the partner that does not have sex before marraige is just going to get very freaky after the ring is on the finger and in most cases I don't think is how it is.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> Maricha75-That is a good point and I think most people think the person will change or they can change the other person.
> 
> I think some people think the partner that does not have sex before marraige is just going to get very freaky after the ring is on the finger and in most cases I don't think is how it is.


Right! Not everyone can be SA


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

To the OP, I read your original post, and did not read all the responses. My take on it is, she doesn't really sound like a prude. I think she just knows what she likes and doesn't like. I also think there are more issues in the marriage other than just in the bedroom. They usually start outside the bedroom first.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, I read much of the thread, and my take on your situation is that the sex is not the problem. I think there is another reason underlying this that is causing you issues. I think the fact that she reads 50 shades, taken by the boss, etc. is a clue that you are not getting. The poster WOM was right IMHO, you are not reading the clues and trying to reach her sexually. 

Maybe if you give us an idea of how you two build up prior to sex - like what you do for foreplay for example - could be the clue to help improving your sex life. But I still think something else is going on deeper that is making her feel less attracted to you period. I don't know much about the smut your wife is reading, but is there a common theme? Based on the two books you mentioned, it seems that your wife enjoys reading about very confident men that "take what they want". Maybe she sees you as too meek, playful or simply not serious? Maybe that is her turnoff that you need to fix. 

Alternatively, are the main male characters all younger than your wife typically? If so, she may be on the cusp of wanting to relive her youth and not be with an "old man".

But in a larger sense, my belief is that the true root cause is somewhere outside the bedroom. From my experience and from what I've seen, intimacy issues are mostly an effect of another cause as opposed to being a root cause in and of themselves.

I've recently formed the opinion that the "Sex in Marriage" forum is overused, or more likely, new posters coming to TAM think that their relationship issues are purely sex related when in reality the true root cause is found somewhere else and the sex problems are a side effect.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

trey69 said:


> To the OP, I read your original post, and did not read all the responses. My take on it is, she doesn't really sound like a prude. I think she just knows what she likes and doesn't like. I also think there are more issues in the marriage other than just in the bedroom. They usually start outside the bedroom first.


:iagree: Yep, sometimes it usually starts outside the bedroom then get carried over into it. Then people think the issue is all about sex, when really its a deeper issues going on.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm so surprised that so many people think that playfully tapping a penis on a face is offensive, or wiping a drop of cum on a shoulder is offensive. I would never think that, but I guess there is something offensive about it, but not quite sure.

Anyhow, I guess there are some other dynamics going on that I just can't tell, but I like that other posters idea about listing things that you'd like to do and see if she'd do any of them. I'd start by reading those mommy porn books yourself and see if she'd like to do anything in those books. I would!!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

IsGirl3 said:


> I'm so surprised that so many people think that playfully tapping a penis on a face is offensive, or wiping a drop of cum on a shoulder is offensive. I would never think that, but I guess there is something offensive about it, but not quite sure.



Same here. I thought it was funny. I wouldn't be offended if my husband did it. Men do things like that. Before someone posts their husband doesn't do that, I KNOW not every husband does it, it's just there are quite a few who do funny things like that in the bedroom. Honestly I was surprised by the vehement reaction. Part of sex is to be playful. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't view in playful terms. Don't people have banter, playful gestures in the relationship? I know we do! I'm glad we do. 

ASSUMING everything else in the relationship is ok ( a big IF), I would find such a gesture funny, amusing, playful. I wouldn't be going off on him for something like that. It's like a pat on the butt. I find that playful. I can see how if the marriage has other issues then those things can be seen through the lens of disrespect. 


IsGirl3 said:


> Anyhow, I guess there are some other dynamics going on that I just can't tell, but I like that other posters idea about listing things that you'd like to do and see if she'd do any of them. I'd start by reading those mommy porn books yourself and see if she'd like to do anything in those books. I would!!


I think the marriage has problems outside the bedroom. And the fact she reads those mommy porn books is a good thing. She's not as repressed as it may appear.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Wow by your wifes definition there are a lot of pervert, deviants and sex addicts on this forum then. Man I would hate to see what she would call me... toys, oral, anal, and light bondage I must be the lowest of low. :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with others who have said that the lack of adventure in the OP's sex life is likely due to other things. Although it might end there, sex doesn't start in the bedroom, IMO, and we need to know what's going in other areas of their marriage.

He's already told us that his wife isn't anti-sex, nor is she an "extreme" prude, and the fact that she gives him oral (even though she doesn't enjoy it) and reads raunchy books suggests that there's more going on here than wifely prudery.


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## nofrigginclue (Mar 9, 2013)

It took almost 24 hours for my other posts / replies to get posted, so it really wasn't easy to interact with you guys. By the time they were posted you guys were way off on another direction and i can understand that since I wasn't able to reply.

The jist of it is simple.
Thanks for all those that have offered advice. Even those of you that took it way way way to some direction that I never mentioned and never even dreamed it could be taken.

1 person said something about nipple play being equal to electrodes and clamps. Really? Touching my wifes breasts and nipples or rubbing lotion on them or kissing them is equal to electrodes and clamps? Wow. All I can say is .... Wow. The person that brought up clamps and electrodes also cursed at me and said I am not LOVING. 1 or 2 incidents in 8 YEARS means I am not loving. Man oh man. her poor husband. Lets hope he never messes up.

I have been labeled as someone who "has an addiction to porn" because I went to a web site ONE TIME to see what was the big deal was about over celebrity sex tape. Really? Wow! 1 time = addiction. seriously? I did say 1 time in my original post didn't I. YUP.

I have been told that the ONE TIME that I tapped my wifes cheek with my member means that I DON'T RESPECT HER and SHE DOESN'T RESPECT ME and I am immature. Really? We have been together over 3000 days. We have shared a lot together. I do respect her and the feeling is mutual. Believe me. I was being silly. ONE TIME. no reason to place a horrible label on me because I was being playful ONE TIME. I don't and didn't spank her with it. It was just being silly. I did say 1 time in my original post, right? YUP!

The jizz on the shoulder. again ONE TIME.... 3000+ days of a relationship. It was silly. but I have been labeled as someone who disrespects my wife by slapping her around with my junk and wanting to jizz all over her on a daily basis. The scene was she and I were "done". there was some clean up... I jokingly said "missed a spot" That was it. Jeez Loueeze Now I am a guy that hates his wife because she doesn't like me to cum in her face. I did say 1 time in my original post, right? YUP!

Keep in mind that if people ACTUALLY read my original post and judging by the mean comments a lot of you have made about me... you haven't. I asked for info from the FELLAS? And asked has this happened to you? And asked how did it make you feel? and WHAT did you do about it! 

However it seems to have offended a lot of people that I acted playful 2 times in 8+ years and checked out a celebrity sex tape thing .... for that all I can say is, sorry about that. I was only trying to give examples of the few things that happened where she presented herself as a prude. This original post was taken a direction that I honestly can say... I never dreamed. The nipple clamp and electrodes comment was the best though. Classic. 

Thanks a bunch to those that actually gave meaningful advise. Honestly, a couple of things you said made me think of things in a different direction. for those of you that PM'd me... You were the best yet. But you knew that already. 

thanks again everyone. 
and I really do mean everyone.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

You certainly didn't offend me. I didn't have a great sex life with my ex but he did silly playful things like that occasionally. I thought it was funny. There are always haters around here that are so quick to judge. Don't let it run you off.


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## nofrigginclue (Mar 9, 2013)

I will address 1 other thing... Since I know my wife like no other....

We don't have bedroom problems. I never said or hinted that WE have a problem in the bedroom. I said "I" have a bedroom problem (an it really isn't a problem) I don't do anything she doesn't like and I go the extra mile to do the things she DOES like and therefor she is happy. There are no other problems in the relationship. 

I think the issue with her is that "good girls don't do ____" However she may have a dirty side as she reads the mommy porn books but she just doesn't act out on them. She doesn't even want anyone to know that she read 50 shades. She fibs about it to her family and friends about reading it. I think she is embarrassed about being a little dirty. She definitely wants my image of her to be as pure as Ivory snow and she wants her image of me to be just as pure... however... ya know... no one, especially me, is as pure as the driven snow.

That's it in a nutshell. I did mention something about leaving but that was meant only to say... I'm not going to cheat on her... that isn't the way to go about having your needs met If I NEED to have my needs met I would leave before I cheated is all I meant. Sorry if I made it look like my wife and I are having marriage problems and if I made it sound like I wanted to hook her nipples up to a car battery and I spend all my time looking at porn and I don't love nor respect her and (what else have people said) oh yeah I treat her like a piece of meat. I would say more because I am stunned at some of the responses but i feel if I say any more someone will accuse me of the Kennedy Assassination. sheesh.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Nofriggin you love your wife, there is one area in your marriage that you feel that needs work, she may feel the same way. Your foundation is solid that's the most important. I suggest have a open conversation with her about sex. You might be surprised what she has to sy. Good luck to you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, this thread went on for 6 pages before you came back with any kind of response. You mentioned difficulties in replying, I know, but had we obtained more clarity from you, I guess things mightn't have continued along the path that they did.

You did say in your recent post that you'd specifically asked "FELLAS" for their responses, so as a woman I shall wish you the very best of luck and bow out.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Amazing how a such a wide variety of opinions and assumptions can evolve after seeing the same set of "facts" (original post).


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## nofrigginclue (Mar 9, 2013)

@ZATOL - 

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:slap:
Watching it unfold and not being able to comment was quite the psychology lesson. 

Isn't there a experiment you can do where you tell 1 person something.... then they tell 1 other person and so on and so on until.... by the time the 50th guy tells the story.... the story doesn't even CLOSELY resemble the original story.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

NFC, I said I would apologize if I was pointed out to be wrong... so here it is: I do apologize. Going back through your replies which, for whatever reason, didn't post until NOW, I get that you were trying to be playful. And, I understand that the specific incidents you mentioned only happened once... maybe a few times for the "lesser offenses" (for lack of a better term). Regarding the porn... hey, I agree with the sentiment that if she feels you need to not look at any at all, then she would need to give up her books. I don't see you holding her to that, though.

One thing though... you said "*I have a bedroom problem*"... No, NFC, that's where you're wrong. If ONE is dissatisfied, of frustrated, etc... then it is a problem for BOTH, not just one. You have a "problem", but she does too... BECAUSE you have the problem. Ya know?

So, one thing you pulled up from replies... nipple play. What is it about nipple play that she doesn't like? Too sensitive? Feels nothing? As for the other things...was it "just" being playful? Or were you trying to expand her boundaries?

One more thing... you CANNOT compare her to the other women you have been with. You and those other women are not together for a reason. You married your wife for a reason. As for calling her a prude... You said she was never a freak in bed, but she DID start opening up for awhile. I wouldn't consider that a prude. You've been married only 8 years? Honestly, it wasn't until we had been married about 8..9... maybe 10 years? that I truly started opening up. There are still some things I still would not allow, which is cool because he has no interest in doing those things. And I apologize if I missed this anywhere, but did you say that her upbringing has caused the repression? Like, strict religious or something? If so, that could definitely explain it.

Anyway, like I said, I apologize for misunderstanding. Now that I see that you HAVE been trying to communicate, it's a different story.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

nofrigginclue said:


> Since I know my wife like no other....


Then that means you know whether shes a prude or not. Doesn't sound like it. You and your wife need to come together and fix whatever it is that seems to be the problem.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

nofrigginclue said:


> I would say more because I am stunned at some of the responses but i feel if I say any more someone will accuse me of the Kennedy Assassination. sheesh.


This is on balance, a very conservative website. That being the case, the more broadminded people can sometimes appear to be drowned out. However, even those that have raved and jumped up and down about your every move have their part to play. Does not everyone reflect our own restlessness when we are restless? And likewise, do they not reflect our own beauty when we feel beautiful?

I was teasing you somewhat in what I said in my first post, but there was a point. I know women just like your wife. They have a deeply submerged sexuality. It can be reached, but it requires amazing clarity. If you can muster the humility to suffer every point of view you see expressed here on your very own thread, then you will be well equipped to find, and then press your wife's "hot" button.

Once you find it, your sex life will ignite. It is not a physical button, it's a place in her head. Another guy taught me the secret of how to do this. I would have taken years without his help.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> *OP, this thread went on for 6 pages before you came back with any kind of response*. You mentioned difficulties in replying, I know, but had we obtained more clarity from you, I guess things mightn't have continued along the path that they did.
> 
> You did say in your recent post that you'd specifically asked "FELLAS" for their responses, so as a woman I shall wish you the very best of luck and bow out.


Go back and look at his stats. It shows there that his SECOND response was roughly 1:10pm YESTERDAY, on page three. So he WAS trying to reply...they weren't going through.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

nofrigginclue said:


> I will address 1 other thing... Since I know my wife like no other....
> 
> We don't have bedroom problems. I never said or hinted that WE have a problem in the bedroom. I said "I" have a bedroom problem (an it really isn't a problem) I don't do anything she doesn't like and I go the extra mile to do the things she DOES like and therefor she is happy. There are no other problems in the relationship.
> 
> ...


I was not one of those guys that thought you were a disrespectful pervert. It's not uncommon to see people make assumptions and run with them. I do it myself. But I must say that I find this post rather interesting. It is clearly different from the first post. So much so that I must ask: What is the truth? Is your sex life fulfilling, or is it lacking? I'm trying to figure out whether you exaggerated the problems as laid out in the first post or are you retracting the truth with this new post?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

*nofrigginclue*

Look, I have to confess, I was not talking straight with you in my first post. I was trying to hint at something, but I may as well come out and say it: You're a lot like I used to be, and sometimes still am.

You're a hot head 

C'mon, do you deny it? I get the impression you are the kind of guy who can flare up and say things that are stronger than you meant. Trouble is, once a fire is kindled, blowing on it won't put it out.

Your wife is like one of those Chinese puzzles. She actually wants you to crack the code. In fact she can't wait. But she has rules. One of them is, she can't be seen to help you. But the most basic rule of all is - it's no use asking her about sex. Complete waste of time.

They will work, but only in a limited way. You have to go in under the radar. It's to do with her upbringing. A lot of women have this defense mechanism. Believe it or not, it actually makes them incredibly horny.

Now some guys, are just born with the ability to "trigger" women like your wife. I am not one of those types, I had to learn it. And I'm not as good at it as one of those natural types. But it can be done. And as I say, she wants you to find the magic button. But she will never, never, ever, admit it to your face.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

*nofrigginclue*

The other thing women like your wife do, is they run interference. If they think you are getting close to cracking their code, they will actually try to put you off the scent!

They will make out that you are getting "colder" when you are in fact very close to working it out. So for instance, it could be that your junk-in-face, or sperm-on-shoulder was not so far off what she wanted, but she HAD to blow you out.

Many women are not like men. They don't present a shopping list of what they want (well not in the bedroom anyway ). They do *have *a list, but they would not do anything as helpful as actually letting you see it. And if you do get a peek. They deny deny deny. That's how it is. I don't make the rules, so please don't shoot the messenger


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

trey69 said:


> To the OP, I read your original post, and did not read all the responses. My take on it is, she doesn't really sound like a prude. I think she just knows what she likes and doesn't like. I also think there are more issues in the marriage other than just in the bedroom. They usually start outside the bedroom first.


Ding Ding Ding ...... and the prize goes to trey69 for an insightful, even-handed response. nuf said.


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## appeal71 (Sep 5, 2017)

JenniferLove said:


> Wow - reading this was almost like I wrote it. I have the same issues only I am the girl in the relationship. I love flirting, spontaneous, playfulness in bed and any other time of the day that makes me feel a connection with the person I am with. In my past relationships, initiation was evenly matched and I had a very healthy sex life. That is until I got married. I am the first woman my husband has ever lived with. I thought that once we were married and I moved in with him... he would be more comfortable with me, get to know me more and we would be able to find our place. Well, I have always been the initiator. Much like you have described... I have suggested, and tried to introduce a vibrator or a movie, and nothing. I have some guy friends that tell me he is either cheating or gay. I dont get that vibe at all, it is just he has no interest at all in anything of a sexual nature. We have been married almost 6 years and we havent touched each other in almost four years. I am going out of my mind and can
> t do this much longer. I am 40 and I want a family but will not beg my husband for sex. What am I missing? I went to a counselor and told him I went and was not happy. He said he would make an appointment ..... he never mentioned it again. I never thought my life would be like this. I am married, and lonely and want affection, intimacy and a connection with someone. I don't want to cheat but I am becoming very weak. I wont live my life this way - I have a roommate not a husband. I would rather be single!!!


Hi Jennifer this reply is coming 4 years later but what you described the way your husband is my wife is the same, she never initiates sex and never wants to do any new positions and won't let me do oral on her or touch her body when we're in bed together we have sex once a week if i'm lucky and does everything in her power to avoid sex and gets angry when I want to be intimate with her most times. She makes me feel like a criminal every time I initiate sex and went so far as to tell me her friends have sex with their husbands only once a month and that they liked that better, to me I love sex every day and love to try new things and I too am very frustrated and past relationships with other woman they loved sex and enjoyed every moment and tried every position possible. I never felt so alone in my marriage so I know the pain you must be going through.


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