# Belittling, Bullying, or Abuse?



## dotingwife (Sep 4, 2010)

I'm in a situation that is far outside my understanding. I need some unbiased opinions regarding my situation and hope someone can weigh in.
My husband of 3 years has become increasingly controlling. There are several ways this manifests, but the area I'm currently dealing with is in regards to his putdowns about other women. He spends countless hours on on-line dating sites (where he portrays himself as a divorced man looking for any variety of relationships) and looking at pornography (which he calls me to look at and comments on how nice they look). Any time he's out alone, he comes home to tell me of countless women have flirted with him, offered to "date" him, or told him it was too bad he was married. If we're out together he makes crude comments about woman after woman after woman--some of a sexual nature, some of a degrading/insulting nature). Today he told me about a conversation he had with the adult daughter of a woman we know. He told he girl to tell her mom he thought she was "the prettiest thing he'd ever saw," and had a conversation with her about their mutual attraction to each other. 
I usually bite my tongue, hide my face, and/or ignore it. Today I finally told him it was hurtful and that I felt he'd told me simply to hurt my feelings. As usually this led to an emotional breakdown on his part. For the past five years I've had to listen to how I hurt his feelings, I doubt he loves me, I don't love him, I "told (him) he was useless and (I) didn't want to be with (him)," and that he is going to kill himself. Similar things happen any time I speak up. It's not that I think he'll kill himself (considering that he's too helpless to tie his own shoes, cut his own toenails, fix a plate for himself, walk across the room to pick up a remote or to sit down his own laptop on his own, I figure the chances of him actually attempting suicide without calling for me to 'come help' are pretty slim). It's just that I KNOW I'm being controlled, manipulated, and bullied and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know whether to stand up for myself and face the consequences, or to suck it up and keep the peace. 
I've always believed that "you deserve what you put up with," and that I would put up with anything to save my marriage. I also know he won't--CAN'T--cheat, considering he is completely impotent and has been for the three years of our marriage and year we dated. I know he loves me, and that he's doing this to try to keep me from leaving him. He grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home, and his first marriage was not a happy one. At the same time, he continued the cycle by becoming emotionally abusive right back to his mother prior to her death, and was at least 50%, if not more, responsible for the failure of his first marriage. In addition, he is in bad physical shape (both medically and physically). He ostracizes friends and family, and has no close friends other than myself. 
I know I have my own issues, insecurity being one of them. I let things go until they're out of control before I address them, then tend to blow up over something small. I bury myself in work probably as much to avoid the problems as I do try to earn as much as possible as the primary breadwinner. I can be emotionally unavailable, because I shut down when I've been hurt. I get emotionally involved in many issues, including work and family issues. Still yet, I feel I'm not overreacting to the issues I've described with him. 
Does anyone have any idea how I can handle this situation without making it worse? I won't leave. But I can't go on living like this.


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## dotingwife (Sep 4, 2010)

Didn't proofread well enough. It's been 5 hours of insults, rants and ravings, not 5 years. It just seems like it.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Try reversing the whole thing -before- he can break down look at him start crying say he doesn't love you, he doesn't like you, he doesn't care about you or your feelings... blah blah.

Turn it around on him. that is first thing to do. Further more when he calls you in about porn look at it and comment about how much larger that guy is than him, How much better the guy in the video looks than him. Ect.

Start putting him down when he degrades women tell him how he wouldn't be this way toward women if he had any self respect and how his small penis must be the reason he feels the need to put others down.

Just turn it all around on him. Good luck and god bless but it doesn't sound like he loves you at all if he's doing this. Also suggest marriage counseling and before he can start crying you start. Turn it around there too.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Oh and I was seriously abused as a child. Emotionally, physically, sexually by my parents. I recieved over 3,000 stitches and 30+ broken bones before i was 18. 

And I never even raise my voice at my kids. His past is no excuse!


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## dotingwife (Sep 4, 2010)

Thanks. I'll try that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This sounds sick. Its not at all ok what he is doing to you. He has no respect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Also, you mentioned that he thinks he behavior will make you stay with him ("he does it so I won't leave him") which to me is ironic... one would think that behavior would actually push you away, not make you want to stay with someone who has so little regard for you and your feelings.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok you're in way out of your depth. Your husband has severe emotional and psychological problems. And the two of you are headed for a co dependent deathlock. He needs you and you keep him alive.

Which is kind of messed up when you examine it. Let's take all the psychobabble off the table for a moment. What if he had AIDS or was confined to a wheelchair or had MS and took every opportunity not only to make himself sicker but to blame it on you and demand you take care of him.

Would you do it?

This is little different from that. The disease is different but the course of action is not. Either he gets his **** together with professional help or you're gone.


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## dotingwife (Sep 4, 2010)

Thanks everyone. Your responses were real eye-openers. I was hoping it wasn't as bad as it seems, to be honest. Sigh. Oh well. Time to suck it up and try to get help, I suppose.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I am wondering why you insist on staying. You don't have much time invested in the marriage and there are no children. 
Like Runs like a Dog, and Jelly Beans said, Get help for yourself, see why you need to stay. Get him to get help. He has to go and do it himself. If you take him, push him, it will just be some of the same babble. You made me, the help is stupid, etc. 
Just make sure you get an understanding of what you are about.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dotingwife said:


> I was hoping it wasn't as bad as it seems, to be honest.


And how good does it seem to you?


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