# caught in an uncomfortable situation



## erlaza (Jul 29, 2018)

hello everyone, I am seeking some advice and honest opinion for you guys .

I am presently married and I am a mother of one. However, my husband was married before and he has a daughter. His daughter lives in another country with his ex wife.

However, he has not been able to see her for about two years. However, he speaks to her once weekly and sends his child support monthly.

well actually, I send it for him because he is usually stuck at work, while I am a bit more flexible since I work freelance.

However he has been asking me for us to move to the counyry his daughter lives in. He says he will get to see his daughter and can get a better paying job. I am not moved by the job because I feel most of the money will go to child support anyways. You see his ex wife is very serious about her money, so I suspect she will probably petition for an increase if she suspects he is earning more. Even if she doesn't get more since she gets nearly half his salary presently, it's gonna go to the lawyers anyways.

Anyways, long story short, i am not to keen on moving countries because as I have said to him, I will only go if I can see n feel that he will support me and be there for me because his ex wife is a bully and is very argumentative. Presently I don't feel he is capable of standing up for me and it is beneath me to get into any sort of exchange with his ex wife. 

I am in a very uncomfortable spot and I feel that often times if I try to speak up he gets angry at me and it is for this reason I am not keen on going. For example, he gets upset and starts to say to me that he can't see his daughter and acts like its my fault but I don't believe it is because he and his ex wife has signed an agreement that says he gets visitation rights. However, when the time came on 2 occassions for his daughter to visit us, how ex wife said that her daughter doesn't want to travel and she doesn't know why. He even asked his daughter about coming and she said she doesn't want to. 

I had suspected that she refused because she was convinced, perhaps by her mother that people from my country are bad so I suggested to him that he should invite her to come along with us on vacation and she still refused. The reason i suspected she was poisoned against me and people from my country is because a while back, her father was talking with her and he asked about school and she said she did badly in science. He asked her how come and she said because her teacher is from xxx country, which is the same country I am from and she added that the teacher doesn't like her. This girl is 10 years old. 

So now we are constantly fighting over moving countries and I have said I am not confident enough to go. I said I have to feel like I will be protect by the man who is going to take me into the lion's den. I said to him that if he snaps at me and tries to blame me for stuff that not my fault and we are away from his previous family, I imagine it will get worst if we are close by. I explained that in order for me take this big step with him, I have to know that we are united. 

I have however told him that if he wants to go alone he can but I can't promise him I will sit around and wait for him. I am educated, hard working and good-looking and may very likely move on with my life because I will feel that he has chosen his first family. I have suggested that he goes to court and tries to get her to enforce the order but at the end of the day, if it's his daughter who is saying she doesn't want to come then I am not sure there is much the courts can do.

I ultimately feel that he is doing all he can to ensure he has a relationship with his daughter, perhaps I am biased because of my role in the situation. I also feel like he is putting our son and I in an uncomfortable situation when he is not yet emotionally capable of standing up for us. As such I am considering leaving because I feel like he is choosing his previous family over my son and I. I get that his daughter needs a dad i her life and i suspect its yhe same for my son.

Please let me know your thoughts and whether I have a point or not.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

What countries are we talking about here?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I agree with you, you did not force him to date you, to see you, and eventually marry you in your current country...as they say you can't own what does not belong to you...in this case it's his guilt alone...stay where you are. Have him travel if he wants to see his daughter.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes, tough situation. But I'm with you-- I wouldn't want to go either; your life is where your at now--work, friends, family, etc.. Why be uprooted? There has to be another solution. Can't he go there to visit her more often?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

erlaza said:


> I have suggested that he goes to court and tries to get her to enforce the order but at the end of the day, if it's his daughter who is saying she doesn't want to come then I am not sure there is much the courts can do.


My take on this is that it's not going to matter if he moves closer to her or not. Proximity is not the problem. Children hold on desperately to the "remaining" parent in a divorce. They become "poisoned" (as you say) by the attitudes and words of the family who is remaining. They actually deny their natural attachment to the parent who left in order to feel more secure with the remaining family.

The courts have no jurisdiction in the human mind. They can force more frequent visits, etc, but at the end of the day, the only thing left is the learned and adopted attitude and mindset which is actually ruling the situation.

My advice to you is....don't... stay where you are, let him go, if he must. I wish I could speak to him, because I would really want to convince him that he is ruining his current family in order to try and "save" his previous family from something he has no control over.



erlaza said:


> I also feel like he is putting our son and I in an uncomfortable situation when he is not yet emotionally capable of standing up for us.


He, when you move, is going to become a ping-pong ball who gets slapped back toward the other end of the table every time he crosses the net. There is NOBODY who is "emotionally capable" to handle such an awful and charged situation as the one being proposed.

I do so hope he gets some kind of insight and tells himself to stay the hell where he is ... if he moves, it will be the worst choice he could ever make.


----------



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hello erlaza be careful if you do go laws can vary greatly including custody laws


----------

