# In this section much sooner than anticipated



## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

So after several months of passive aggressive behavior, daily tension, failed counseling sessions and a total breakdown of communication, I ended up here a lot sooner than I thought. This week will be spent interviewing lawyers. I've only been married for a few years (together about six) and things have happened so fast. I feel like I tried everything I could to stop it but failed. 

Despite not having kids, there's going to be some things to clean up. Somehow my wife thinks that most of our money is hers despite the fact that I make a substantial amount more income and that I voluntarily have prorated our expenses (we kept separate and joint accounts per her preference since the beginning). It's crazy when a human being is subjected to a certain amount of stress in life, sometimes their true colors emerge.

B/c of the way I have been treated, I feel like it's almost a relief, but it hits me and at certain points and it feels unbearable to cope with especially since I don't want to do this. God help us all who are going through this BS.


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## magmag (Dec 2, 2009)

Right there with you Jman. dh told me friday that he wants out. We are not going to do the actual divorce yet, I've asked him to hold off until I find a good job because I don't want to go without health insurance. 
We are going to try to do the divorce ourselves though. Hopefully we can make it amicable and he can just give me everything I want since he's the one that wants out. (yes I'm feeling a little bitter this morning).


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

""It's crazy when a human being is subjected to a certain amount of stress in life, sometimes their true colors emerge.

B/c of the way I have been treated, I feel like it's almost a relief, but it hits me and at certain points and it feels unbearable to cope with especially since I don't want to do this. God help us all who are going through this BS.""

Awesome way to put things...matter fact making that my headline today about the true colors. Divorce IS going to be unbearable for a little while. But as time goes on and you do some healing, you'll soon realize that life is a lot calmer with not having to walk on eggshells. Now sometimes when people separate, they just start remembering the good times and become very lonely. Thats the reason for most reconciliations. But heres something that I've done when I was going to separate from my verbally abusive husband for the third and final time. I secretly recorded a couple of his rants and verbal abusive episodes. When I left and I started to miss him, I would replay those recordings and come right back down to earth. Good luck to you.


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

Thanks for the comments as it certainly helps knowing other people are dealing with similar issues out there. So sorry to hear about your situation Magmag. whyminvrsatsfd, I think you bring up a great point where people focus on the good times when they are lonely. I should do something similar (recording) to remind myself of the reality of the situation when we are apart from each other. We were going to try separation as a last resort before a number of other events put that out of the question. I was going to temporarily move in with my folks for a short time and then move back while she would stay elsewhere after that. Apparently, paying for a short lease was not worth it to her and ultimately for our marriage. I am greatly saddened by the entire situation.


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

Now I'm second guessing myself. When I ask my wife if she really wants to go through with this I get the I don't know and now that the pressure of having to stay in marriage is off it's almost like old times where we can do things together and show affection. She mentioned she would consider the separation if her parents were closer but does not want to pay money to move out (even if we split it up) b/c she's worried she needs a new car is she's single. I know that's a bad sign and maybe it's false hope or just superficial right now, but that still makes thinsg more difficult. Is it normal for people to be apprehensive about filing? I'm pushing her to file as it's not really bearable for me to do it despite the fact I've been in an unhealthy marriage. Everyone on my side of the family (including extended) as well as many friends have told me to get out.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

support her feelings even if it hurts put value to her feelings of not knowing and suggest that its ok you understand .. Then bring up the offer of just doing a short separartion to start with like a month or a couple of months and then just see how things go from there.. Dont give her to much support let her feel what its like to not be a couple and have to get things for herself. And yes it does seem to be normal for people to not be sure if they want to file .. No one wants to break them vows or give up on a marriage when they always wanted that other person in life to grow old with, its not a easy choice and its one that impacts everyone deeply its never a easy choice.. Maybe let her stay there if you can stay close some where or offer for her to go to her parents anyways for a month a short separation that maybe something she might consider, just to feel how it goes to start with then if needed go from there again .. But biggest thing you want to do is support her feelings and put value to them even if you dont like it , she is pulling away more then likely cause she feels you dont understand her and by doing this you show you are both listening to her wants and needs and valueing her feelings on things , this will cause her to hesitate cause this is not who she is pulling away from..

I have been told the same thing in the past thought it was BS too but then one day i sent a email to my wife it made her feel guilty , i didnt put a hole lot down on it just enough to let her no what i seen and felt . It upset her she called and i valued her feelings but also stood solid on what i seen , the phone call went well she laughed a lot and i got to go to the house for the first time in months to see the kids at home.... Then she mentioned it to a mutual friend of ours as being taken back cause she was shocked and felt she could talk to me and that it made her feel good and she even thought wow maybe things can be worked out type of things , it froze her in her tracks cause that wasnt something i was doing before and she was missing that in the relationship i was either neglecting her or wasnt paying attention to what she said or needed or that is how she felt anyways , and that was who she was pulling away from .. 

I cant say things are good now i really dont no what to think for my situation but i no that does work and does help and is something we need to do at all times in a relationship. Exspecially with women they need to feel understood valued cherished and appreciated , and more then anything they want to be able to open up to the one they love, by doing that you bring her closer and she becomes more willing to talk and open up to you which in turn builds her trust in you again and lets you back in her life where she feels comfortable letting you in , confusing isnt it ? Yea i dont have it down either dont worry ,but i am working on it her and my kids deserve this out of me so i will go on with it


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