# Not happy with my wife.



## manonfire

I'm young, we haven't been married long, and I am considering leaving my wife. 

Though I know I will not be able to go through with it.

Nothing is really that bad in our relationship. No cheating, etc.

I'm in the military, and she's starting college next year. We live together, so that's good. But I'm afraid she is in that 'I want to live my life stage'. 

She really only does 2 different things that really actually bother me, and its be ignore my opinions and things I care about, verbally abuse me, and use things I tell her, in confidence, against me to make me feel bad when we argue. So I guess its 3 things.

She just cusses at me so much, yells at me, cuts me off, tells me 'F*ck you' 'f*ck off' 'I'll do whatever the f*ck I want'. and ALWAYS yells at me. I never yell at her. Never. Nor do I cuss at her the way she does me. I grew up with my parents yelling, and saying cruel things, and leading into a nasty divorce, told my self I'd never do it. Still haven't. I mean, I have yelled at her before, but not like she does me, and its very rare, and over serious situations. I am always calm and collected. Though I do have a slight over protection problem that bothers her.

Though, it's nothing really serious, I ask her to do something, or not to do something. It's the typical f*ck you, f*ck off, i'll do whatever the f*ck I want, can't believe I got into this marriage kinda thing. we love eachother, sincerely, but it seems she has taken a turn towards the 'i don't care' phase. If something bothers me, she doesn't care if she doesn't agree with it. If in her mind, murdering babies was okay, she'd get mad at me for disagreeing with her. Simply because she thinks its okay. Conclusion here is, she doesn't value my thoughts and opinions as I think a wife should. She won't even compromise. It's her way, or the highway, jack.

I have some serious issues at work. I won't get into details, but I confide in her a lot. And she agrees, and plays the whole, you're a great person deal, and than we argue, she completely throws it in my face, everything I say, and makes me out to be this bad, horrible person. It really does hurt. 

I am starting to seriously lack care for this marriage. I love the girl to death, and she loves me, and I would cut right arm off to save this marriage, but she says so many hurtful things to me. I seriously am, just starting to lose care for her. Is that normal? I'm pushing her away with my over protectiveness, but she is pushing me away with her extreme cruelty. She even admits shes cruel to me, and it makes her feel bad and that I bring out the worst in her.

We've been together for 3 years, and married for about a year. We're young, so there is obviously tons of times for our lives to still bloom, but I feel that the whole 'young college party scene' is more important than being a wife. 

I want to leave, but I can't / won't. Make sense?


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## dormant

Time for some serious MC.


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## Toffer

Sounds like she has a lot of baggage from something

Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant! God forbid you drag kids into this slow motion train wreck.

If you can, get the 2 of you into counseling. If she doesn't agree to go, file. If you don't, you'll just spend a few more years together dealing with trust issues and come to hate each other


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I wouldn't be happy either. Your wife is verbally abusing you and is very disrespectful. This is not what marriage is or is suppose to be. I simply can not imagine telling others what my husband confided me in. I can't imagine him telling others what I confide in him as well. It's breaking trust in a very big way.

If you don't want to divorce just yet, you need to put your foot down and tell your wife this needs to stop the cursing and telling others your business. Marriage counseling sounds like a great idea as posted above. 

You really can't change her unless she's willing to change herself. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do and is not ready for marriage. It sounds like she's rebelling against you like your her parents. That's what her behavior reminds me of. 

Have you thought about a trial separation? This might be needed if she continues to do what she's doing. Don't allow her to treat you this way, put your foot down and demand respect. If she doesn't change, are you willing to put up with this the rest of your life? Do you want her to mother your children teaching them this is okay? You may have no choice in the matter and might have to file for divorce.


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## Moiraine

From your post, it sounds like your wife has no respect for you. I don't know how you can call verbal abuse love. It seems to me like she has no true love for you. 

A loving marriage can have arguments. However the arguments doesn't turn into verbal abuse. You can argue and disagree, but still respect each other. What she shouldn't do is throw the things you told her in your face and hurt you. This really sounds like a childish way to argue, not how adults should argue.

How old are you two? It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. You can try marriage counseling, but unless she wants to change she won't magically become mature and respectful. 

The longer you stay with an abusive spouse, the more self esteem you'll lose. One day you'll truly believe yourself to be worthless and can't leave anymore.


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## NoWhere

Put your foot down and tell her you will not stand for the disrespect when she cusses at you. If she won't seek counseling or stop I'd file divorce papers and get it over with. From what you posted it doesn't sound like this women loves you at all.


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## manonfire

We are 21 and 20. I think she is just young and has more concerns of being social, etc than being married. 

I had a bit of doubt in her time line today, so I questioned her. And she was VERY defensive about it.

She was suppose to get off at 11.
Though, she has to wait for the manager to get off, usually takes around 30 minutes, so she usually leaves around 1130.
Today one of her friends (She hangs out with, 2 guys, and 2 girls, they are in relationships with eachother, 1 is married, and 1 is gf / bf. ) One of those guys is a new manager, and around 1145, she stopped messaging me, so i attempted to call her. No avail. Around 130 she texts me saying shes been at walmart and left her phone in her car. and she'll be home soon (walmart is 10 mins away). 30 mins later I message her, she says she fell asleep for a minute on the bed, etc. I asked her why would she be at walmart for 1.5 hours. She said, after matt got off, they waited for marcus to bring cheese cake from the cheese cake factory for christmas, etc. I told her she's not a teenager, and needs to carry her cell phone on her, even if she forgot it, after 1.5 hours, wouldn't you think 'oh my phone?' She replied with 'F*ck off seriously. goodnight'

Thought that was pretty messed up.

I messaged her back, saying, she's extremely rude, needs to keep phone on her. I told her if she's gonna wait around with a guy...she should atleast be able to pick up the phone, or message me. and if she was even at walmart, or was she hanging out with her friends? she could tell me the truth'

her reply was a 'f*ck you'

That was the last thing she has said to me.

I am in Afghanistan right now.
So this obviously doesn't feel good.

Long story short. Though I trust her, and she is a good girl, this story is full of sketch. 
When I say to her 'Typically, this kind of behavior...' She pulls the 'you think I'm every other girl huh?' What the hell am I suppose to say? Yes - Yells at me, say I don't trust her.


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## The Cro-Magnon

Oh dear........


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## NoWhere

I can relate. When I was around my wife that phone never left her side.
When she started going out all the time with her friends, and a guy she met, she started ignoring my texts a lot.
That was usually her excuse "I left the phone in the car"
Also getting overly defensive when being question about it.
Always a bad sign.

Point is she gets overly defensive and then turns ugly because she is doing something she shouldnt be doing and hiding it from you.
Just my opinion, but go with your instinct. It's usually correct.

I told myself I trust her and she would never do anything like that.
A few months later I got the "I love you, but not in love with you" speech and am now divorced.
Then found out she was seeing this other guy. Maybe I could have stopped it if I hadn't turned a blind eye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manonfire

NoWhere said:


> I can relate. When I was around my wife that phone never left her side.
> When she started going out all the time with her friends, and a guy she met, she started ignoring my texts a lot.
> That was usually her excuse "I left the phone in the car"
> Also getting overly defensive when being question about it.
> Always a bad sign.
> 
> Point is she gets overly defensive and then turns ugly because she is doing something she shouldnt be doing and hiding it from you.
> Just my opinion, but go with your instinct. It's usually correct.
> 
> I told myself I trust her and she would never do anything like that.
> A few months later I got the "I love you, but not in love with you" speech and am now divorced.
> Then found out she was seeing this other guy. Maybe I could have stopped it if I hadn't turned a blind eye.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My instinct tells me she's a good girl, and would never cheat on me. She says its me being over protective, pushing her away, ie 'not caring anymore' as she puts it. Yeah, she makes a slightly valid point. I am a little over protective on somethings, but for good reasons. But then again, the moment I left for deployment, literally like 2 or 3 days later, she starts working out 5 or 6 times a week, does her hair the nice way she likes it. Has been sketchy as of late. Something is off about the whole situation, but she is being very convincing that I am being crazy and controlling. I asked her last night "Is there anyone you are getting close too? Texting a lot...anything" Her reply was "psh, I wish." So I'm not sure what to think about that. Trickery / lies. Or 'I wish I was, but I have too many morals and values to do something like that'. 

But, I do think she is craving more of a social aspect of life.
She was hanging out with other ranger wives, and got rather close to one, and stopped hanging out with her because she is 'too wife like for only being 21'. And now she hangs out with these 2 going-nowhere-in-life-works-at-blockbuster couples. They're like, 24 and 25, and 30, and 31. I mean, come the **** on. She is always telling me, I 'ruined' her life because I 'made' her marry me and leave everything else behind. Which ****in hurts because I never look at the things I had to sacrifice in this marriage. yeah, I sacrificed a fun, single party life too. Though, I mean...we can still get drunk and do these together. 

My conclusion to this is she is simply too young for this. I mean, I'm practically the same age, but we have different outlooks apparently. To her, she is missing out. To me, yeah I am, but I don't care. I think that's the problem. She is more focused on living out her life, etc. She was a great girlfriend, but is being a really ****ty wife. I work long hours in a hard job, stressed out all the time, have to put up with so much bull****, I even bought her a car, pay ALL the bills, her gas, everything, and she complains about cooking and cleaning. When I already do cook and clean!

Last night I was talking to her through skype, after that whole conversation, and the way she talked was so careless. It deep down, bothered me. She went off on something about me being ****ty, etc. Told me that all her friends, co workers and family thinks I'm a piece of a **** and why is she even still with me? I feel embarrassed to tell my friends and family how bad she treats me. It's like it makes her feel better about her self if she thinks other people think I'm a piece of a ****. Regardless of how she talks to me, which has been going on for 1.5 years, I still do not tell people the inside story of our relationship. It's our business. Anyways, I was speaking to her, about something or another, and she was looking away, in careless, half smile, and I said 'are you even listening to me?' and she replied with 'No, I'm watching tv'. Really, pissed me off. But as I always do, I keep my composure and ask her to please listen. she goes on with the whole 'I'm done, I could care less' spill for a minute or so. I am pretty speechless about how careless she is on the whole matter, so I just say I gotta go.

Long story short - I'm not sure what is going on. Is my slight over protectiveness really causing this much turmoil within our relationship? Or is there a third party present? I'm not sure.


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## manonfire

I'm not gonna sit here and say she's a bad wife, and I'm the best husband to ever walk the lands, because I'm not. But I would like to think, my flaws don't deserve this kind of ill treatment.


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## Moiraine

Marriage takes a lot of work. It requires two mature adults who are willing to work hard together. You two are still very young. The long distance marriage does not help in anyway. 

It sounds like she's too immature to be married. She may very well be carrying on an emotional or physical affair. You wouldn't be any wiser. Unless she miraculously grows up real fast, I'm not sure how you two can work this out. It's even harder since you two are not living together. 

Are you able to get any individual counseling for yourself to get through this?


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## Waking up to life

Couple of thoughts: 

You keep saying you are "slightly overprotective" of her. But you haven't explained how you are being overprotective. Do you really mean that you're slightly controlling? Meaning, do you constantly question what she's doing, who she talked to, make her account account for her time, is she using her time wisely in your eyes, etc? This kind of constant questioning would get under my skin really fast, and might explain why she's rebelling by not telling you every detail of every minute of her day. You say you trust her, but your behavior may not be reflecting that.

As far as her apparent resentfulness about being married, is it possible she feels slighted in the fact that she married young, and now you are far away, so she's feeling like she's experiencing all the disadvantages of being married AND the disadvantages of living a single life? Not saying that's anyone's fault, but it might explain why she's feeling resentful. If so, your having some empathy for her being young, married, but living on her own might go a long way in making her feel like she's being supported.

She is without question being obtusely disrespectful. I have been married for 19 years, and I'm not super happy with my husband, but I have NEVER told him to f**k off. There is no excuse for her verbal abuse. You are in a difficult position being deployed, because she knows she doesn't really have to answer to you for being verbally abusive right now. But...the abuse should not be tolerated, not for one more minute. 

The longer you allow this abusive behavior to continue, the more ingrained it will become. Every time you allow her to verbally abuse her, you are teaching her that it's perfectly OK with you for her to treat you that way. These problems WILL NOT just magically go away. So unless you are ok with a disrespectful and verbally abusive wife as the 'norm' in your life, take action ASAP.


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## manonfire

Waking up to life said:


> Couple of thoughts:
> 
> You keep saying you are "slightly overprotective" of her. But you haven't explained how you are being overprotective. Do you really mean that you're slightly controlling? Meaning, do you constantly question what she's doing, who she talked to, make her account account for her time, is she using her time wisely in your eyes, etc? This kind of constant questioning would get under my skin really fast, and might explain why she's rebelling by not telling you every detail of every minute of her day. You say you trust her, but your behavior may not be reflecting that.
> 
> As far as her apparent resentfulness about being married, is it possible she feels slighted in the fact that she married young, and now you are far away, so she's feeling like she's experiencing all the disadvantages of being married AND the disadvantages of living a single life? Not saying that's anyone's fault, but it might explain why she's feeling resentful. If so, your having some empathy for her being young, married, but living on her own might go a long way in making her feel like she's being supported.
> 
> She is without question being obtusely disrespectful. I have been married for 19 years, and I'm not super happy with my husband, but I have NEVER told him to f**k off. There is no excuse for her verbal abuse. You are in a difficult position being deployed, because she knows she doesn't really have to answer to you for being verbally abusive right now. But...the abuse should not be tolerated, not for one more minute.
> 
> The longer you allow this abusive behavior to continue, the more ingrained it will become. Every time you allow her to verbally abuse her, you are teaching her that it's perfectly OK with you for her to treat you that way. These problems WILL NOT just magically go away. So unless you are ok with a disrespectful and verbally abusive wife as the 'norm' in your life, take action ASAP.


You're right - And I will attempt to explain it here -

I don't make her account for every minute of the day. At the end of the day when we talk, I usually ask what shes done. But innocently. Not a controlling way. I don't monitor who she talks with. Sometimes she asks me who I'm talking to, as I will ask her sometimes. But for the most part - I don't care that much
I am a bit selective on her choice of pants while she works out. For years she has never worn yoga pants, or whatever you call them, but all of a sudden she does. Though it bothers me, she does not care. I did not wear wife beaters in public for years because it bothered her. So it was kinda mutual until she stopped caring, and than started wearing them. I kinda have been forced to get over the fact now. I don't tell her 'Don't wear those underwear, or that shirt, or this that'. I'm a little bothered by her friends at times, because they're in their 30's, and she's 20. She smokes pot with them, which I don't care, but like I said, they're older. They don't care about the well being of this young silly girl. When she does not message me for a while or something, or answer my calls, I do ask her what shes been doing. Last night for example. 2 hours of unaccounted for time went buy in which she didn't answer me, and her excuse was 'i was at walmart' and than after I asked her what could she possibly be doing at walmart for 1.5 hours she threw in 'we waited for another co worker to bring us cheesecake'. When she leaves out snid bits of information, and 'loses her phone in her car for 2 hours, trying to find it multiple times, but failing, except for when conveniently going home' it just looks plain bad on her part. We had a rough patch back October-nov 2011, where she worked at a lowes in Tempe, AZ. (ASU Campus) and it was nothing but college guys working there. We were temporarily broken up and she wanted to make new friends. She was swarmed by men constantly, and eventually came back to me, saying all these men want were sex. (Well go figure right?) She caused me great pain during that time. Hanging out with this guy by their selves, etc. So I do not want her working at another lowes or home depot. I have worked primarily at restaurants so I know how it goes there. So did my ex, and my mom, and they all cheated via restaurants. People's maturity level seems to regress while being servers, hostesses etc. So I just ask she does not serve or work at home depot / lowes, as I have had bad experiences with them. I am controlling I guess.

But I support her in every way. Do not yell, hit, cuss at her. She is into graphic design / art, and for years she thought her parents would get her a macbook pro to help her with school, considering they both make a substantial amount of money. Year, after year, cheap presents. So I bought her one so she could follow her dreams. I feel that, aside from my over prot / controlling tendencies, I am being TOO nice, and she is walking all over me. No matter how bad we fight - I always make sure to say that I love her at the end, and tell her, no matter how big the fight is, you should always say it. 

Last month, she literally spent my entire savings, wasn't much, but careless spending, sapped a few thousand dollars in a matter of a month or 2. I didn't yell at her. She felt so bad, and as she always squashes me like a bug when she had the chance. I told her it wasn't mad, to cut spending on stupid **** and it'll be alright. It was my golden opportunity to return all the foul things she said to me, and she would have accepted it. But I didn't do it. I believe I am too nice, and as a result, I am getting walked on.


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## Waking up to life

Ok, so there is a glaring lack of maturity...with BOTH of you. You, my dear, are in fact being controlling. You're not "overprotecting" her, you're overprotecting yourself because you don't trust her to make good decisions. Therefore, you feel you need to intervene and make decisions for her. Now, I am not overlooking the fact that she has given you reason to question her judgement. Her spending thousands of dollars of your savings is way out of line and is another way she's disrespecting you. 

_"I am a bit selective on her choice of pants while she works out."_ You speak as though you are the parent of a 12-year-old. Yoga pants are a very normal thing to wear to exercise. And she's not 12.

_"I'm a little bothered by her friends at times, because they're in their 30's, and she's 20. She smokes pot with them, which I don't care, but like I said, they're older. They don't care about the well being of this young silly girl."_ You don't get to choose her friends. The fact that they're older is actually probably a good thing, as they're likely to be more grounded and less likely to be wild and crazy like friends her own age often are. Strangely, you're not bothered that they smoke pot and that she does too. That I would be bothered by. 

_"Last night for example. *2 hours of unaccounted for time went buy* in which she didn't answer me, and her excuse was 'i was at walmart'...*I asked her what could she possibly be doing at walmart for 1.5 hours.*.." _Really? You don't make her account for her time? She went a whole 2 hours without being at your beck and call and you blow a gasket. And "_it just looks plain bad on her part." _Looks bad in what way? You are looking for reasons to not trust her.

_"So I do not want her working at another lowes or home depot. I have worked primarily at restaurants so I know how it goes there. So did my ex, and my mom, and they all cheated via restaurants. People's maturity level seems to regress while being servers, hostesses etc. So I just ask she does not serve or work at home depot / lowes, as I have had bad experiences with them."_ So you are morally superior and therefore it is your duty to keep your wife away from working at these cesspools of moral debauchery. Because clearly if your wife worked there, she would be incapable of having her own sense of values and morals. Sorry to say, if someone's going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Whether they work at a restaurant or Lowe's or the White House, they'll do it. 

Your behavior is going to result in one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. If your expectations of her are that she'll dress to skimpily, she'll work somewhere that "makes" her cheat on you, or if she doesn't text you immediately, she must be up to no good...eventually she'll live up to those expectations. Guaranteed. 

She is out of line in many ways as I have already said. I'm not defending her. But since you posted this up, you're own behavior deserves a bit of scrutiny. You both have A LOT of maturing to do. Passage of time does not guarantee maturing. You are both in desperate need of counseling. Make it top priority when you get home from deployment. Otherwise, I don't see much of a happy future for either one of you.


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## manonfire

Waking up to life said:


> Ok, so there is a glaring lack of maturity...with BOTH of you. You, my dear, are in fact being controlling. You're not "overprotecting" her, you're overprotecting yourself because you don't trust her to make good decisions. Therefore, you feel you need to intervene and make decisions for her. Now, I am not overlooking the fact that she has given you reason to question her judgement. Her spending thousands of dollars of your savings is way out of line and is another way she's disrespecting you.
> 
> _"I am a bit selective on her choice of pants while she works out."_ You speak as though you are the parent of a 12-year-old. Yoga pants are a very normal thing to wear to exercise. And she's not 12.
> 
> _"I'm a little bothered by her friends at times, because they're in their 30's, and she's 20. She smokes pot with them, which I don't care, but like I said, they're older. They don't care about the well being of this young silly girl."_ You don't get to choose her friends. The fact that they're older is actually probably a good thing, as they're likely to be more grounded and less likely to be wild and crazy like friends her own age often are. Strangely, you're not bothered that they smoke pot and that she does too. That I would be bothered by.
> 
> _"Last night for example. *2 hours of unaccounted for time went buy* in which she didn't answer me, and her excuse was 'i was at walmart'...*I asked her what could she possibly be doing at walmart for 1.5 hours.*.." _Really? You don't make her account for her time? She went a whole 2 hours without being at your beck and call and you blow a gasket. And "_it just looks plain bad on her part." _Looks bad in what way? You are looking for reasons to not trust her.
> 
> _"So I do not want her working at another lowes or home depot. I have worked primarily at restaurants so I know how it goes there. So did my ex, and my mom, and they all cheated via restaurants. People's maturity level seems to regress while being servers, hostesses etc. So I just ask she does not serve or work at home depot / lowes, as I have had bad experiences with them."_ So you are morally superior and therefore it is your duty to keep your wife away from working at these cesspools of moral debauchery. Because clearly if your wife worked there, she would be incapable of having her own sense of values and morals. Sorry to say, if someone's going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Whether they work at a restaurant or Lowe's or the White House, they'll do it.
> 
> Your behavior is going to result in one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. If your expectations of her are that she'll dress to skimpily, she'll work somewhere that "makes" her cheat on you, or if she doesn't text you immediately, she must be up to no good...eventually she'll live up to those expectations. Guaranteed.
> 
> She is out of line in many ways as I have already said. I'm not defending her. But since you posted this up, you're own behavior deserves a bit of scrutiny. You both have A LOT of maturing to do. Passage of time does not guarantee maturing. You are both in desperate need of counseling. Make it top priority when you get home from deployment. Otherwise, I don't see much of a happy future for either one of you.


You prove some good points. I don't know - I have a hard time overlooking some of these things. It hasn't always been this bad - But it just makes it so much worse when she throws it all back in my face. It's like a vicious circle - More I do, the more she does, and the more she does, the more I do. 

We have talked about counseling when I return. Is going to be a priority because previously, before she went into IDGAF mode, we established that counseling may be the life line to this marriage. I just wanted some outside opinions. It use to be, I would say I don't agree with something, she would positively re assure me on the subject, and it'd be fine...but now its just '**** you' and '**** off' and all sorts of nasty comments, that make me push harder. It's a vicious circle.

Edit: The whole 2 hours of unaccounted for time. On a normal day, I wouldn't think twice about this. But I get off at a certain time every day over here, and have a small window to speak to her. During this window, she normally, would message me with an 'hey I just got off' or a 'i'm gonna go hang out with my friends for a while' or a 'gonna stop by walmart' or 'pick up something up to eat' and I'd be like alright. Problem here is her leaving her phone in the car, and making no attempt to find it. I use to do this, unintentionally and she would get so livid. When she is around her friends, she seems to forget about my existence now days, which really bothers me. I am not asking her to text me every 5 minutes. But atleast message me saying 'hey I'm gonna chill with pals' or something.


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## LiamN

Some questions to think about:
Does your wife make you happy?
Would you stay with her if another woman showed up who really made you happy without all the dramas?
Why do you really want to stay? Is there something you are afraid of when you think about leaving?
When someone says "I really love her but I'm thinking about leaving" you have to question whether or not they really do love her or are merely justifying what would otherwise be guilt.


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## Waking up to life

manonfire said:


> When she is around her friends, she seems to forget about my existence now days, which really bothers me. I am not asking her to text me every 5 minutes. But atleast message me saying 'hey I'm gonna chill with pals' or something.


Perhaps the pot smoking has something to do with this? Maybe she smokes much more than you realize. And maybe it's the reason she loses track of time and misses your window of opportunity to call. And maybe she's spending more money on it or because of it. As I said, if there's anything you mentioned that would really worry me, the pot smoking would be it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manonfire

LiamN said:


> Some questions to think about:
> Does your wife make you happy?
> Would you stay with her if another woman showed up who really made you happy without all the dramas?
> Why do you really want to stay? Is there something you are afraid of when you think about leaving?
> When someone says "I really love her but I'm thinking about leaving" you have to question whether or not they really do love her or are merely justifying what would otherwise be guilt.


I will try to answer these as honestly as I can -

1. When she is not acting like this, yes - She does. She is a very loving person who at one point in time atleast, cared very deeply about me.
2. I don't know - I do not allow women to get close to me. Especially in a time like this.
3. I love her. I have committed myself to her. She was a broken soul when I found her, and I put the pieces back together, and the result was a beautiful, loving girl who cared about me. Specially after the disaster that was my ex girlfriend. I took her virginity. That may have something to do with it. I guess I'm afraid of two things: She will either go back into her deep depression (Depression runs deep within her family). Or she will go wild, neither of which I care to see.
4. I suppose the main reason I am not leaving, is because I feel deep down, we can make it work, and I do not want to see her with anyone else.



Waking up to life said:


> Perhaps the pot smoking has something to do with this? Maybe she smokes much more than you realize. And maybe it's the reason she loses track of time and misses your window of opportunity to call. And maybe she's spending more money on it or because of it. As I said, if there's anything you mentioned that would really worry me, the pot smoking would be it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It helps her with her anxiety, and it has never been a problem. I have since quit after joining the Military, but I wasn't going to make her stop. She recently told me she is trying to cut it down to once a week, or once a month. Perhaps it is the problem. It's not an addiction, and it doesn't make her stupid, the slightest. I'm not sure I guess.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Illegal drugs, abuse and infidelity are my absolute deal breakers. No second chances. I was married at her age. It was horrible. My ex h did all three.

I learned that it's impossible to help change a person for the better. It just doesn't work and there's nothing you can do. My exes behavior is a thousand times worse now then 18-19 years ago. I left that marriage after 1.5 years. I was tired of supporting someone who was using drugs, treating me awful(abuse), spending thousands of dollars in an instant, and unfaithful. He was out until all hours of the night. I later found out he was sleeping with several other women. I was disgusted. I was the breadwinner, housekeeper and responsible for the baby while he played the single life.

It was such a huge relief getting out. I met an honorable man and we've had a beautiful marriage of nearly 13 years now. He's a wonderful husband and father.

You can not change your wife's behavior. She is highly disrespectful of you. You don't treat the ones you love most this way. Can you imagine her telling your children to F off? That's what will happen. She will treat any children the way she treats you. This is who she is. It will greatly effect them, I know this because it happened to me. My adult child is in ongoing therapy because the courts wouldn't allow visitation to stop despite the abuse in the short time he decided to see her. I just found out that he told his child the day she turns 18 that he wants to smoke pot with her from his family members a few months ago. I actually threw up. He said this before she turned 14. I wish I would of known then, I would of pressed charges immediately. I'm really upset no one told me this when it happened. My child is grown into an adult and has no contact with him for years. All he says is how much he hates her, yet he has several other children. 

These are some things to think about.


----------



## Waking up to life

manonfire said:


> She was a broken soul when I found her, and I put the pieces back together, and the result was a beautiful, loving girl who cared about me. Specially after the disaster that was my ex girlfriend. I took her virginity. That may have something to do with it. I guess I'm afraid of two things: She will either go back into her deep depression (Depression runs deep within her family). Or she will go wild, neither of which I care to see.


You sound like a very loving and caring guy. I truly believe your heart is in the right place. But, you are taking personal responsibility to save, fix, and protect a "broken soul" as you say. Your motivations are noble, but you must come to understand that you alone cannot carry the burden of trying to fix another human being with deep rooted problems. In the end, you'll find yourself emotionally beaten and exhausted. The marriage will be all about putting out the next fire while the last one is still smoldering. You'll realize your needs are rarely or never getting met. It's not a good place to be.



manonfire said:


> It helps her with her anxiety, and it has never been a problem. I have since quit after joining the Military, but I wasn't going to make her stop. She recently told me she is trying to cut it down to once a week, or once a month. Perhaps it is the problem. It's not an addiction, and it doesn't make her stupid, the slightest. I'm not sure I guess.


Which brings me to my next point: I strongly suspect your wife may suffer from some form of mental illness. I don't mean she's "crazy", but I'd say it's a safe bet to say she's depressed and has anxiety as you say. It could even be something like Bipolar disorder. With proper medication and counseling, these conditions are very manageable and might help bring back the fun and loving girl you must believe is still in there. 

Is this something you can talk with her about? Would she be willing to go to a doctor to discuss trying some medications?


----------



## DevastatedDad

manonfire said:


> we are 21 and 20. I think she is just young and has more concerns of being social, etc than being married.
> 
> I had a bit of doubt in her time line today, so i questioned her. And she was very defensive about it.
> 
> She was suppose to get off at 11.
> Though, she has to wait for the manager to get off, usually takes around 30 minutes, so she usually leaves around 1130.
> Today one of her friends (she hangs out with, 2 guys, and 2 girls, they are in relationships with eachother, 1 is married, and 1 is gf / bf. ) one of those guys is a new manager, and around 1145, she stopped messaging me, so i attempted to call her. No avail. Around 130 she texts me saying shes been at walmart and left her phone in her car. And she'll be home soon (walmart is 10 mins away). 30 mins later i message her, she says she fell asleep for a minute on the bed, etc. I asked her why would she be at walmart for 1.5 hours. She said, after matt got off, they waited for marcus to bring cheese cake from the cheese cake factory for christmas, etc. I told her she's not a teenager, and needs to carry her cell phone on her, even if she forgot it, after 1.5 hours, wouldn't you think 'oh my phone?' she replied with 'f*ck off seriously. Goodnight'
> 
> thought that was pretty messed up.
> 
> I messaged her back, saying, she's extremely rude, needs to keep phone on her. I told her if she's gonna wait around with a guy...she should atleast be able to pick up the phone, or message me. And if she was even at walmart, or was she hanging out with her friends? She could tell me the truth'
> 
> her reply was a 'f*ck you'
> 
> that was the last thing she has said to me.
> 
> I am in afghanistan right now.
> So this obviously doesn't feel good.
> 
> Long story short. Though i trust her, and she is a good girl, this story is full of sketch.
> When i say to her 'typically, this kind of behavior...' she pulls the 'you think i'm every other girl huh?' what the hell am i suppose to say? Yes - yells at me, say i don't trust her.



major red flags here...


----------



## manonfire

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Illegal drugs, abuse and infidelity are my absolute deal breakers. No second chances. I was married at her age. It was horrible. My ex h did all three.
> 
> I learned that it's impossible to help change a person for the better. It just doesn't work and there's nothing you can do. My exes behavior is a thousand times worse now then 18-19 years ago. I left that marriage after 1.5 years. I was tired of supporting someone who was using drugs, treating me awful(abuse), spending thousands of dollars in an instant, and unfaithful. He was out until all hours of the night. I later found out he was sleeping with several other women. I was disgusted. I was the breadwinner, housekeeper and responsible for the baby while he played the single life.
> 
> It was such a huge relief getting out. I met an honorable man and we've had a beautiful marriage of nearly 13 years now. He's a wonderful husband and father.
> 
> You can not change your wife's behavior. She is highly disrespectful of you. You don't treat the ones you love most this way. Can you imagine her telling your children to F off? That's what will happen. She will treat any children the way she treats you. This is who she is. It will greatly effect them, I know this because it happened to me. My adult child is in ongoing therapy because the courts wouldn't allow visitation to stop despite the abuse in the short time he decided to see her. I just found out that he told his child the day she turns 18 that he wants to smoke pot with her from his family members a few months ago. I actually threw up. He said this before she turned 14. I wish I would of known then, I would of pressed charges immediately. I'm really upset no one told me this when it happened. My child is grown into an adult and has no contact with him for years. All he says is how much he hates her, yet he has several other children.
> 
> These are some things to think about.


I do not consider pot a drug. It has never contributed negatively to our relationship, and has if anything, made us grow closer. She wasn't into it before I met her, and her acceptance of the fact, though she didn't do it, was one of the reasons I pursued her. Along with other things. I have no problem with it, as long as she is doing it with moderation, and / or to help her anxiety (I checked my bank statements, and money was not withdrawn via atm or cash back option). As long as she doesn't do it you know, multiple times a day, and / or bring it around my work place I don't really care. 

I can't say she is physically abusive, but she is verbally abusive. 

I also can't she say she has exactly cheated or anything yet. I trust her enough not to do that, but she has thrown me some red flags as of late. When I left, she did her hair the nice way I use to like (Didn't do it while I was there for a while). Started going to the gym almost every day. Inconsistent in her timeline. But again, I haven't ruled out infidelity, but I don't think she has done anything, yet.

I did not get mad at her for her wild spending spree, because per my bank statement, it was just careless spending. Buying tacobell / McD's and starbucks every day. Driving too much. Buying too much healthy foods (With all the fast food, weird, I know). Gym membership, silly magazine subscriptions. Just silly **** really. Anybody naturally would freak the f*ck out. But I kinda just shrugged it off and sternly told her do drop all that bullsh*t and stop using my card. She has a job and since she spent all my money, can use her own money for stuff.


I also believe she may have a Bipolar disorder. She can be very happy one moment, and I could say one thing, one simple little thing, and she can go 1-10 in a split second. It's crazy how fast her mood turns. I am going to ask her if she would consider seeing a psychiatrist or something of the sort when we get back. We will most definitely be visiting a MC though.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Would you want your wife asking your children to smoke pot with her? My ex h told my daughter when she was 18 that he'd like her to smoke with him. I just found this out a couple months ago. I thank God everyday there's zero contact between the two. I do not want my children to EVER smoke pot or do any illegal drugs.

That very well could happen since you have such a light opinion over it.

Smoking pot or other illegal drugs are a deal breaker with me along with emotional/physical abuse and infidelity. I no longer have to deal with a spouse that does all three. I'm in an extremely happy and successful marriage now with a husband who fully respects me.


----------



## manonfire

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Would you want your wife asking your children to smoke pot with her? My ex h told my daughter when she was 18 that he'd like her to smoke with him. I just found this out a couple months ago. I thank God everyday there's zero contact between the two. I do not want my children to EVER smoke pot or do any illegal drugs.
> 
> That very well could happen since you have such a light opinion over it.
> 
> Smoking pot or other illegal drugs are a deal breaker with me along with emotional/physical abuse and infidelity. I no longer have to deal with a spouse that does all three. I'm in an extremely happy and successful marriage now with a husband who fully respects me.


I think I actually read your thread, she was 13 when he said it right? Yeah, that is horrible. It would make a young child's mind think it's alright. 

We're not into hardcore drugs. It's just something I started my senior year, and it has done nothing but ease my mind and make me focus on goals. 

But...I've also said to her, it doesn't exactly make me comfortable for her to do it with people whom I haven't met. I have no idea what it could be laced with. And it's happened to me before. Had it been friends, I know where its coming from. I wouldn't mind. It's not even that, that's bothering me the most. It's just her reactions to me, and how bad she actually treats me. Granted, it is evident I'm not the #1 husband. But it's not that I don't care, its that I care too much. And she doesn't seem to care, enough.

She always tells me I'm pushing her away, but lets be realistic, I think I will fall out of love for her first for her not caring enough, than she will for me caring too much.

On another note. After the incident in which she said those nasty things, and pretty much acted careless and happy, and ignored me for the TV. I haven't talked to her. I am trying the 180, and it's pretty easy considering I'm not home right now. Granted, I still wonder what shes doing at night, but I have so much more **** to worry about here right now. She was supposed to send me a care package, and I messaged her and told her don't bother sending it. She asked 'why' and I just didn't answer, she proceeded, a few hours later with 'is it possible for you to ****ing answer me?' Which made me actually laugh out loud, literally lol. Because it only reinforces my point. I have told her many times not to say '****' at me, but she refuses. I just said 'I can't give you an answer, I just don't want it' and she said okay, good. That was 2 days ago. Today, she just messaged me asking how things are going. I haven't answered yet.


----------



## manonfire

I've been doing pretty good not talking to her, but I was kinda forced to today, since I was emailed by our apartment manager that I had a noise complaint. So I had to tell my wife, but here is a copy of how the conversation went, word for word.

*Me:* (This is not word for word, just me notifying her about a noise complaint, and to take care of it, nicely of course)

*Her:* (Not word for word, but something complaining about the noise complaint)

Word for word starts here -

*Me:* Don't know what to tell you

*Her:* okay well, i wont make the mistake of talking to you again. have a good night.

*her:* so nothing? okay i get it.

*me:* Olivia. What do you want from me? I don't like the way you talk to me. It's rude and disrespectful and it hurts. So I'm not going to subject myself to it.

*her:* that doesnt mean when im being nice you be a d*ck. its okay loy. i dont need you anymore like i did so enjoy your time alone. can't say i didnt try

we might want to file separation at the least.

well

it telle me when you look at my messages

*tells

*me:* 'i wont make the mistake of talking to you again.' What do you expect me to say to that? We will do whatever we have to when I get back. I honestly can't concern myself with things like this right now.

*her:* umm marriage? yes you f*cking can and i said that cuz i asked how your day was. you didnt show any interest on who my day went or how im feeling.

so yes i am going to say that if you are going to be an ass.

which is all the time

so you know what, you;re right. why the f*ck should we even talk.

i hope your deployment goes well

*me:* I replied. To be honest, I don't care how your day is going. Isn't that pretty much exactly what you said, you don't care anymore? What you said to me the other night, and how you talked to me really just, blew me away. And still, as calm as I am, you are still cussing at me, even though I told you I don't appreciate the way you talk to me.

*her:* and what did i say that was so horrible? loy i dont appreciate anything you say to me either. who cares if you arnt cussing or yelling. you still say horrible f*cking things that i literally cant stand. so whatever loy. goonight then. im done with everything.


I didn't reply.


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## The Cro-Magnon

Find out who the OM is.

Because there IS another man.


----------



## DevastatedDad

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Find out who the OM is.
> 
> Because there IS another man.


eek. I'm thinking this is Plausible. Highly Plausible.


----------



## manonfire

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Find out who the OM is.
> 
> Because there IS another man.


Do you honestly think so? She has good morals and values...and she vehemently denies any sort of EA / PA. I have asked her if she was getting closer to anyone, or texting / emailing and guys and her reply was 'I wish'. Which led me to believe that she genuinely wish she had the balls to cheat on me, or is down right liar.

I will look into this, but I do not know the password to her facebook, nor do I have access to her phone records as it is her mom's account she is on.






Zanne said:


> I know others have already said this, but honestly, she seems very immature and selfish. And I can't believe she talks to you that way when you're deployed in Afghanistan! She's taking advantage of you. You're obviously at a disadvantage because of the distance but I think she needs a dose of reality.
> 
> I'm not the greatest wife myself, so I can't give you advice on next steps. But I know the folks on TAM can counsel you on some tough love tactics. It may not get the outcome that you desire, but it will probably be for the best and you can at least retain your dignity.


Where can I find experts at this? I went 3 days strong kinda not speaking to her, and when she did message me (Which, at least once daily, and getting mad if I didn't answer her), I was very blunt about my response. Last night, we talked a little more in depth, and it was about separation. I told her it'd probably be best (I am bluffing, I love this woman, and want to be with her, but I noticed a trend of 'When I run to her, she runs away, but if I run away, she runs to me'. So I'm trying the old bluff). She mentioned filing for seperation, not divorce (perhaps she doesn't even know the difference) and I told her, we'll do what we have to when I get back, and that I ask her to peacefully sign an agreement that she will not take any of my belongings or entitlements, and nor I hers. (I just bought her a car, that I kept in MY name, and a macbook pro). She asked what about the car, that she could pay me back. I told her with us being seperated, I do no trust her financially to pay it off. That she can get a loan and pay one off her self (As I did, and am still paying for the car I got her).

I also said, despite all of this, we should make at least a small attempt to save this marriage while we can.

Asked her if she would consider the fact that she is bi polar.
Would consider seeing a psychologist / psychiatrist. 
Would consider getting on some kind of anti depression pills (Family has a history of suicide and depression)
Would consider us taking marriage counseling when we return.

She only said 'I saw a therapist once, and told her I think I'm bi polar, but she said I am now. Sorry, I only act this way towards you. And I will consider, but not giving you any answers on the others'


----------



## Davelli0331

ManonFire,

First, thank you for your service. I'm former USMC infantry and a combat vet, so I know what it's like.

Secondly, both to you and everyone else here, cheating is rampant in the military, especially among the wives of highly deployed personnel. Some of the men are no better, but consider a young, immature, 20 year old wife whose husband is 1000s of miles away and she's surrounded by young, fit, handsome men that would love nothing more than to get her in the sack while her husband is away. It's epedemic, it's sad, and the military generally looks the other way.

OP, I know you've heard it a lot from people here, and I'm sure you catch a lot of flak from it from your buddies (if you talk to them about it), but I would operate under the assumption that she is cheating until she can prove to you otherwise. Unfortunately, being 1000s of miles from home, you may never have any way to prove if she did or not, since she'll have likely covered her tracks long before you get back.

With the major red flags she's throwing you, I don't think it's controlling of you to want to know where she is and what she's doing. Not to be rude, but those of you acting like he's being outrageous have never been deployed to a combat zone or married to someone in the military. This is the sort of thing that just eats at you while you're on deployment, and your W's behavior is only making that worse. Yeah, you can compartmentalize this sort of thing, but that doesn't make it any better.

The biggest red flag to me though is how she's talking to you while you're on deployment. You mentioned "other Ranger wives", so I assume you're a Ranger, too. Whether you are or not, you're in a combat zone and under a lot of stress. Your wife is only adding to it. I'm not saying she should worship you or anything like that, but I certainly wouldn't call the way she's treating you "being emotionally supportive".

Speaking of that, you mentioned her throwing back into your face things you told her in confidence. If you end up seeing any combat, you are very likely to come home with PTSD, if even for only a little while. This is something that requires a very sympathetic, loving, compassionate wife (which your wife is not), and I promise you if she ever threw that in your face, you would have a very hard time controlling your anger. Not to mention that's a disgraceful way to act toward someone.

You've already mentioned that she can be irresponsible with your money. I would go to your admin and have them start depositing your paycheck into an account she can't access. Your wife comes across as spiteful and likes doing whatever she wants, so I wouldn't give her access to any more money than you have to.

I know you love her, and certainly use the free counseling on base once you return if you both feel it's worthwhile, but what I think you're going to find as you start maturing and trying to make this marriage work is that your wife is just too young and immature. She doesn't sound like she really loves you all that much, she treats you like crap, but she sure loves your money and she doesn't seem too lonesome for you while you're off, you know, fighting a war. Those are major red flags, bro.


----------



## manonfire

Yes, this sort of thing DOES eat away at you while you're on deployment. Considering her change in patterns of what she does.
Has new friends. Increase of working out, etc. 

Yeah, I am a Ranger. She does not seem to grasp what it means either. Granted things aren't nearly as bad as they use to be - But I'm still over here in the suck. And I don't have the strength to talk to a wife that says '**** off' around every corner.

I have been looking into pooling my money into a separate account of some sort - but as of now, I only have one, and she has joint ownership. I am going to look into opening another one online, or via phone, since that is my only choice at this point.

I know the problem is she is young. And I say, she because, I seriously don't have a problem not doing some of the things she is complaining she is 'missing out' on. Half of those things, we can do together anyways. Granted, I am young. But I know plenty of marriages that started off young, and they seem to be just fine.

Last night, we had a conversation, it wasn't bad. Mainly about things we will do in the event of a split. She use to always complain about how I am not a good enough husband etc. And I would always reply with 'I pay for everything you do. What you eat, where you sleep, your car, EVERYTHING'. And she would just say 'its not about the money'. Well apparently - It is. I told her, I would ask if she would peacefully sign an agreement not to take any of my belongings or entitlements, and nor I hers. She said yes, but what about the car that I bought her? (I kept the car in my name). She said she could pay be back for it. I told her, with us together, I don't mind her keeping it, but with us seperated, I do not trust her financially to pay it off. (I have paid her credit card bill, about 300 dollars, and paid the wedding ring she gave to me, about 300 dollars). I also asked her, since, I JUST bought her a Mac Book Pro so should could persue her grapic design dream in college, if she would give it back to me so I could hopefully get back some of my savings that she spent. And she said 'no, it was a gift and you're not getting it back' And then she threw in this 'You know, as a wife, I could leave you and take 50% of everything you have. I'm not that kind of girl, but if you don't compromise, I may have to do something.'

That REALLY threw me some SERIOUS red flags and is making me re think my financial plan for a while. Do I need to secure my assets now so there is no risk? (Ie put the car in my dads name, take all the money out of my bank account, covertly get her to sign saying she will not take any of my military entitlements, etc). 

Today, we talked. And she said she wanted to go to some dance class at a gym. What bothered me the most, was she said 'Its a basic dance course, slow enough so old people can keep up' I looked into the particular dance course, and the description threw the words 'wiggle, jiggle, hip, hop, snap, shimmy, shake.' 
As rocky as our relationship status is, I *stupidly* asked her not to go, and with time, I will accept it, but she is doing new things too fast and I am not comfortable. However, her response was 'You are trying to cut dance out of my life and I won't stop. Why is every other ranger wife allowed to go to clubs, but I'm not?' 
I replied with because ranger wives are no different from other wives. Unfaithful, scants, etc. And proceeded with a few stories I have heard about ranger wives within my battalion. Of course, it was her accusing me of calling her those things, and her again saying '**** off' and than not replying anymore.

I am more susceptible to these things when I am home. But she doesn't do anything like that when I am home. But when I am gone, its a little more difficult to bare. I am controlling, roger, I get it. But is a spouse suppose to take what their partner thinks and feels into consideration before making a decision on something?


----------



## Davelli0331

manonfire said:


> Yes, this sort of thing DOES eat away at you while you're on deployment. Considering her change in patterns of what she does.
> Has new friends. Increase of working out, etc.
> 
> Yeah, I am a Ranger. She does not seem to grasp what it means either. Granted things aren't nearly as bad as they use to be - But I'm still over here in the suck. And I don't have the strength to talk to a wife that says '**** off' around every corner.
> 
> I have been looking into pooling my money into a separate account of some sort - but as of now, I only have one, and she has joint ownership. I am going to look into opening another one online, or via phone, since that is my only choice at this point.
> 
> I know the problem is she is young. And I say, she because, I seriously don't have a problem not doing some of the things she is complaining she is 'missing out' on. Half of those things, we can do together anyways. Granted, I am young. But I know plenty of marriages that started off young, and they seem to be just fine.
> 
> Last night, we had a conversation, it wasn't bad. Mainly about things we will do in the event of a split. She use to always complain about how I am not a good enough husband etc. And I would always reply with 'I pay for everything you do. What you eat, where you sleep, your car, EVERYTHING'. And she would just say 'its not about the money'. Well apparently - It is. I told her, I would ask if she would peacefully sign an agreement not to take any of my belongings or entitlements, and nor I hers. She said yes, but what about the car that I bought her? (I kept the car in my name). She said she could pay be back for it. I told her, with us together, I don't mind her keeping it, but with us seperated, I do not trust her financially to pay it off. (I have paid her credit card bill, about 300 dollars, and paid the wedding ring she gave to me, about 300 dollars). I also asked her, since, I JUST bought her a Mac Book Pro so should could persue her grapic design dream in college, if she would give it back to me so I could hopefully get back some of my savings that she spent. And she said 'no, it was a gift and you're not getting it back' And then she threw in this 'You know, as a wife, I could leave you and take 50% of everything you have. I'm not that kind of girl, but if you don't compromise, I may have to do something.'
> 
> That REALLY threw me some SERIOUS red flags and is making me re think my financial plan for a while. Do I need to secure my assets now so there is no risk? (Ie put the car in my dads name, take all the money out of my bank account, covertly get her to sign saying she will not take any of my military entitlements, etc).
> 
> Today, we talked. And she said she wanted to go to some dance class at a gym. What bothered me the most, was she said 'Its a basic dance course, slow enough so old people can keep up' I looked into the particular dance course, and the description threw the words 'wiggle, jiggle, hip, hop, snap, shimmy, shake.'
> As rocky as our relationship status is, I *stupidly* asked her not to go, and with time, I will accept it, but she is doing new things too fast and I am not comfortable. However, her response was 'You are trying to cut dance out of my life and I won't stop. Why is every other ranger wife allowed to go to clubs, but I'm not?'
> I replied with because ranger wives are no different from other wives. Unfaithful, scants, etc. And proceeded with a few stories I have heard about ranger wives within my battalion. Of course, it was her accusing me of calling her those things, and her again saying '**** off' and than not replying anymore.
> 
> I am more susceptible to these things when I am home. But she doesn't do anything like that when I am home. But when I am gone, its a little more difficult to bare. I am controlling, roger, I get it. But is a spouse suppose to take what their partner thinks and feels into consideration before making a decision on something?


That's rough, bro.

Here's some insight that's not going to be pleasant: You say your wife (mostly) doesn't act like this when you're home. The fact that while you're on pump she's going to the gym, doing her hair, more makeup, and wanting to take booty-shake dance classes indicates that she sees your deployments as play time. Even if she's not physically messing around, I promise you she's doing things that she would not want you to see.

What you can do from Afghan depends on how much power you left her. If you listened to the stupid advice the military gives and signed over full POA to her, then there's not much you can do that she can't counteract. I'm no legal beagle, so talking to your Bn JAG is a must in this situation. A JAG will be able to tell you exactly what you can and can't do.

At the very least, you should be able to access your bank accounts online and open a new account and move money around that way. Soldiers in your admin shop might be able to help you with that.

Your W sounds like a lot of military wives, unfortunately. Loves the benefits, the steady paycheck, the man in uniform, but goes out playing while the husband is away and will do whatever it takes to keep her play time intact. That's what her veiled threats are, attempts to keep her gravy train going. And rest assured that no matter how nice she plays now, if/when you guys divorce, she'll fight for whatever she can get, bc it sounds like that's a large part of why she married a military man in the first place.

Let me reframe this for you: There's a woman out there that would respect the fact you made it through Ranger school, would brag to her friends that her hubby is overseas fighting for his country, would talk to you about your day, send you dirty emails/texts while you're gone, would grieve with you when you and your buddies have those bad days, and would be faithful to you. Yeah, she wouldn't be perfect, but who is?

I could be way off, but your wife does not sound like that woman. Is it worth it to you, leaving that woman above behind for the woman your currently married to?


----------



## Napsalot

I guess I could say I'm in a similar situation, except we've just turned 50. Some of the things you've said about yourself remind me of me; I may not be perfect, but have done nothing to deserve this kind of abuse. She will actually use hurtful things that have happened in my life against me. I'm seeing a therapist for depression for another matter, and I'll tell her some things she has said, and the look on the therapist's face says it all. Absolute disbelief at what's been said to me. 

There is so much love for her, but a man reaches a point when the bad outweighs the good. I use the adage it's like hugging a rose. So nice and beautiful, but those thorns are going to hurt, no doubt. Something's got to give, it has to. After 15 years, I am finally thinking it's enough, time to move on. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than feel like I do now. 

So think about that. She's probably not going to change. But you will; you'll feel worse and worse about it. And you're young, an advantage I don't have anymore.
I only say this in retrospect, had I known what was coming. 
If I had, I certainly would have thought twice about it.


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## manonfire

Napsalot said:


> I guess I could say I'm in a similar situation, except we've just turned 50. Some of the things you've said about yourself remind me of me; I may not be perfect, but have done nothing to deserve this kind of abuse. She will actually use hurtful things that have happened in my life against me. I'm seeing a therapist for depression for another matter, and I'll tell her some things she has said, and the look on the therapist's face says it all. Absolute disbelief at what's been said to me.
> 
> There is so much love for her, but a man reaches a point when the bad outweighs the good. I use the adage it's like hugging a rose. So nice and beautiful, but those thorns are going to hurt, no doubt. Something's got to give, it has to. After 15 years, I am finally thinking it's enough, time to move on. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than feel like I do now.
> 
> So think about that. She's probably not going to change. But you will; you'll feel worse and worse about it. And you're young, an advantage I don't have anymore.
> I only say this in retrospect, had I known what was coming.
> If I had, I certainly would have thought twice about it.


That is some serious insight right there.

I wish no one goes through this. It is horrible.

What other people can do to you and make you feel.

She almost has me convinced that I am crazy.


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## EleGirl

manonfire said:


> That is some serious insight right there.
> 
> I wish no one goes through this. It is horrible.
> 
> What other people can do to you and make you feel.
> 
> She almost has me convinced that I am crazy.


Have you ever thought about recording what she says and then playing it back to her so she can hear what how ugly her words are?

She sounds like an angry person. Did she grow up in an abusive home where there was a lot of this type of uglyness? Apparently a fair number of people who go through this sort of thing actually do not recall the things they say in anger. So taping it and playing it back to her might help. It's just a thought.


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## manonfire

Well EleGirl, I am deployed. So its most over online messages, sometimes skype. So she can re read it over. I don't think it actually bothers her to say these things to me. 

No, what I can conclude is that, she has daddy issues. 
Dad never spent much time on her, neglected her because she wasn't a boy. Yet, she put so much love into him, and he just wasn't there much. He had strict rules for her, etc. Despite us being together 3 years, and married, and me taking care of her, financially and emotionally, where he just decided to check out, he still doesn't talk to me. We maybe have had 20 minutes of conversation total, in 3 years. 

I believe, due to his neglect, it has caused her always to want him more.
And I believe, due to his strict rules, it is causing her to want to break free.
She always says I am so alike him in so many ways.


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## Waking up to life

manonfire said:


> Dad *never spent much time on her*, neglected her because she wasn't a boy. Yet, she put so much love into him, and he just wasn't there much. He *had strict rules for he*r, etc...
> 
> I believe, due to his neglect, it has caused her always to want him more.
> And I believe, *due to his strict rules, it is causing her to want to break free.*
> *She always says I am so alike him in so many ways.*


Well there you go. Mystery solved. She married her father. She knows no better than to behave childishly, selfishly, and rebelliously. That's what her father taught her. And you, by heroically sweeping in and saving this poor sap from the world and controlling every decision and action she takes, have continued to teach her that she's incapable of making good decisions. People have a funny way of living up to others' expectations. 

Your marriage reminds me of this: You, a kind hearted put together in-control human happened upon a poor stray dog on the side of the road. The dog was timid, dirty, and hungry. Being the rescuer that you are, you sweep the dog up, take it home, feed it, bathe it, pet it....then you have to go away on a long trip. So you leave the dog at home. You figure if you leave plenty of food and water, and a way to come in and out, the dog should be just fine. But you get home to find the house is a mess. The dog didn't go outside...it peed everywhere in the house. The food was gone, so the dog tore into anything it could to find more to eat. You are in utter disbelief that the dog would behave that way!! After all you did for it, this is how it acts!! You can't figure out what in the world is wrong with that crazy dog!

Now, of course I'm not saying your wife is a dog. She is a person with real responsibilities. She's making poor choices, no doubt. However, you said yourself, her dad was controlling and strict which made her want to rebel. She went from one dysfunctional relationship to another one with many of the same problems. 

This girl needs to grow up. But to date, no one has really forced her to do so. You viewed her as a broken soul that needed rescuing. You desperately try to save her from having to deal with consequences of bad decisions by making them for her. She needs to be shown some tough love. She's going to have to learn life's hard lessons herself, not through you or her dad. She needs to fall and figure out how to pick herself up. Honestly, the best thing you can do for both of you might be to let her go. She needs to mature and learn to stand on her own two feet. You are gaining nothing from this relationship...only heartache, worry, and suspicion. She is gaining nothing either...only wasting your money and delaying becoming a grown-up.


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## manonfire

Ugh, I am just lost in what to do right now. I made a thread in 'coping with fidelity' , because I recently stumbled upon a possible EA with someone who I have repeatedly asked her not to talk to. It's hard to say for sure, but I am working on it. 

In that thread, I kinda explain what she has said to me today, and it breaks my heart. I am probably, most likely going to pursue a divorce, but I have to somehow get my financial assets squared away. I do not want her walking out with anything, because she hasn't done anything.


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## Davelli0331

manonfire said:


> Ugh, I am just lost in what to do right now. I made a thread in 'coping with fidelity' , because I recently stumbled upon a possible EA with someone who I have repeatedly asked her not to talk to. It's hard to say for sure, but I am working on it.
> 
> In that thread, I kinda explain what she has said to me today, and it breaks my heart. I am probably, most likely going to pursue a divorce, but I have to somehow get my financial assets squared away. I do not want her walking out with anything, because she hasn't done anything.


Sorry that's happening to you, bro, esp while you're deployed. I'll be following both threads to try to stay up to date.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I really do wish you the best! Being verbally abusive is just as bad as physical abuse.

By law pot is a drug. So is alcohol and medications prescribed by the doctors. Some are legal, while others are not. It's also my personal choice to not allow illegal drugs. I'm very against them and I do not want my children exposed to them either by their own parents. 

My ex h pot usage effects him greatly. Also, everyone I know personally that uses this drug has an anger issue. I don't know if the pot itself causes anger or not. 

I do not talk to my ex h, nor will I ever have to again. He has been out of our lives completely for the last 5 years or so. I'm grateful for that. He also has diagnosed bipolar and I wonder if he truly is a sociopath as well. The farther away from him we are, the better. Our child together is now grown into an adult.

I am much happier now with my husband. He served 8 years himself and he is a very honorable man. We've had a very good marriage these last 12 years.

Don't take her abuse. If she can't control her anger, file for divorce. You don't want her abusing your children either. Yes, she will abuse them too.


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## manonfire

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I really do wish you the best! Being verbally abusive is just as bad as physical abuse.
> 
> By law pot is a drug. So is alcohol and medications prescribed by the doctors. Some are legal, while others are not. It's also my personal choice to not allow illegal drugs. I'm very against them and I do not want my children exposed to them either by their own parents.
> 
> My ex h pot usage effects him greatly. Also, everyone I know personally that uses this drug has an anger issue. I don't know if the pot itself causes anger or not.
> 
> I do not talk to my ex h, nor will I ever have to again. He has been out of our lives completely for the last 5 years or so. I'm grateful for that. He also has diagnosed bipolar and I wonder if he truly is a sociopath as well. The farther away from him we are, the better. Our child together is now grown into an adult.
> 
> I am much happier now with my husband. He served 8 years himself and he is a very honorable man. We've had a very good marriage these last 12 years.
> 
> Don't take her abuse. If she can't control her anger, file for divorce. You don't want her abusing your children either. Yes, she will abuse them too.


Her mother told me to call her, and I did. She explained to me that I need to be more trusting, and that her daughter loves me more than anything. Etc. We argued back and forth for 1.5 hours on other subjects. But, her main point was that, I am to get over ****, she's hott, men will hit on her, but she is coming home to me. I am just not sure if I can believe that. Her mom didn't know a lot of things I told her, and was even shocked at some of the things I said that her daughter had said about her. Not to mention, her mom was drunk while on the phone. I can see where my wife gets the whole 'fvck you' thing from. Her mom must have said it at least 5 times to me. And ended out conversation the EXACT same way my wife does . 'GOODBYE, I AM DONE' hang up. Literally shocking to see how similar they were. 

My point here - As much as I truly WANT to believe she is cheating, or doing something. I simply can't until there is proof. I have an operation going right now though, and I am building intelligence. I have guessed 2 of her emails, and even her new social media name / password. She has contacted a man from our past that has proven very, VERY annoying. I don't plan on using this information to confront yet, but I am currently gathering more information. I am still working on checking her phone logs, as I am not her cell phone provider. Her mom is and I would have to contact her for the information. (Unless someone here works for Verizon and really wouldn't mind doing a quick account number look up for me, if that's possible. I would be very gracious). She has 3 facebooks, 2 of whom are inactive, and the one she uses is an ancient one, and is from an old email dress that I don't know. So, again I am working on that one as well. 

I am trying to reconcile as we speak. Though, it isn't going very far. Apparently we have different perspectives on morale / values / marriage and that causes for a toxic relationship. I asked if she has checked out of this marriage, and she says not completely, she will wait until the end of the semester and than see. I am currently working on this. Call me stupid, because I am. But I can't seem to leave this girl without some sort of tangible proof. 

But what pisses me off, more than ANYTHING, she has done. Is the fact that on this new social media website, she uses her old last name. OLD LAST NAME. Followed by her adding this dipsh!t from our past.


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## DevastatedDad

manonfire said:


> Her mother told me to call her, and I did. She explained to me that I need to be more trusting, and that her daughter loves me more than anything. Etc. We argued back and forth for 1.5 hours on other subjects. But, her main point was that, I am to get over ****, she's hott, men will hit on her, but she is coming home to me. I am just not sure if I can believe that. Her mom didn't know a lot of things I told her, and was even shocked at some of the things I said that her daughter had said about her. Not to mention, her mom was drunk while on the phone. I can see where my wife gets the whole 'fvck you' thing from. Her mom must have said it at least 5 times to me. And ended out conversation the EXACT same way my wife does . 'GOODBYE, I AM DONE' hang up. Literally shocking to see how similar they were.
> 
> My point here - As much as I truly WANT to believe she is cheating, or doing something. I simply can't until there is proof. I have an operation going right now though, and I am building intelligence. I have guessed 2 of her emails, and even her new social media name / password. She has contacted a man from our past that has proven very, VERY annoying. I don't plan on using this information to confront yet, but I am currently gathering more information. I am still working on checking her phone logs, as I am not her cell phone provider. Her mom is and I would have to contact her for the information. (Unless someone here works for Verizon and really wouldn't mind doing a quick account number look up for me, if that's possible. I would be very gracious). She has 3 facebooks, 2 of whom are inactive, and the one she uses is an ancient one, and is from an old email dress that I don't know. So, again I am working on that one as well.
> 
> I am trying to reconcile as we speak. Though, it isn't going very far. Apparently we have different perspectives on morale / values / marriage and that causes for a toxic relationship. I asked if she has checked out of this marriage, and she says not completely, she will wait until the end of the semester and than see. I am currently working on this. Call me stupid, because I am. But I can't seem to leave this girl without some sort of tangible proof.
> 
> But what pisses me off, more than ANYTHING, she has done. Is the fact that on this new social media website, she uses her old last name. OLD LAST NAME. Followed by her adding this dipsh!t from our past.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You don't have to justify leaving a marriage due to cheating. Trust me on this, I was there and at your age. I was waiting to find the proof of cheating, so I could exit the marriage due to the severe verbal abuse amongst other things. I did find the proof after 2 years of being beaten down by him.

I know now that the abuse alone is definitely enough to justify a divorce. I also had a child with him and the courts would not stop visitation. I tried my best, but back then I wasn't taken seriously. The abuse destroyed my daughter emotionally. He eventually ended up shutting her out of his life and she is not allowed to have any contact with her siblings whom she loves very much. It's awful, and it's horrifying to watch my own child go through this. She's an adult now and has been in therapy for a while now. Therapy does not seem to be helping her at the moment. She's so angry at life and all of us. My husband and I raised her with love, structure and taught her how to succeed. What her biological father did, destroyed her! He turned her siblings against her telling them their sister hates them and that's why she doesn't call of drive to see them. I found this out through his family which I still have contact to this day. This isn't true at all, he hung up the phone when ever she tried to call her siblings.

How your wife treats you is how she will treat her children.


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## manonfire

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> You don't have to justify leaving a marriage due to cheating. Trust me on this, I was there and at your age. I was waiting to find the proof of cheating, so I could exit the marriage due to the severe verbal abuse amongst other things. I did find the proof after 2 years of being beaten down by him.
> 
> I know now that the abuse alone is definitely enough to justify a divorce. I also had a child with him and the courts would not stop visitation. I tried my best, but back then I wasn't taken seriously. The abuse destroyed my daughter emotionally. He eventually ended up shutting her out of his life and she is not allowed to have any contact with her siblings whom she loves very much. It's awful, and it's horrifying to watch my own child go through this. She's an adult now and has been in therapy for a while now. Therapy does not seem to be helping her at the moment. She's so angry at life and all of us. My husband and I raised her with love, structure and taught her how to succeed. What her biological father did, destroyed her! He turned her siblings against her telling them their sister hates them and that's why she doesn't call of drive to see them. I found this out through his family which I still have contact to this day. This isn't true at all, he hung up the phone when ever she tried to call her siblings.
> 
> How your wife treats you is how she will treat her children.


She's so nice to everyone else. Her mom who treats her like ****. Her dad who treats her like ****. Her grandma who treats her like ****. Her sister who treats her like ****. Her 'bestfriend' who has tried to get with me, blatantly in front of her, on multiple occasions (Whom who she says going to the club for this girls 21st birthday is a once in a life time event that she will not miss, even if I am deployed). She treats everyone else so well. No one else does anything for her. Everyone in her life who treats her horribly, she treats so well. The one person, who actually does good to her, she walks all over. Is it because through out the relationship I set it up for her to walk on me? Forgiving her for anything instantly, taking her yelling at me, me not yelling at her. She is like a child. I didn't punish her during her developmental years, and now shes a being a brat. 

I don't think she would verbally use our children if we had any, because she is nice to everyone else, but me.


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## keko

manonfire said:


> Call me stupid, because I am. But I can't seem to leave this girl without some sort of tangible proof.


Ok its good to admit the truth but what are you doing to change it?


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## manonfire

keko said:


> Ok its good to admit the truth but what are you doing to change it?


Trying to emotionally detach my self from her.
There is some sort of 'love' block preventing me from leaving her.
If I can make that love block go away...perhaps I can leave.


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## keko

What are you doing to gather tangible proof?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manonfire

keko said:


> What are you doing to gather tangible proof?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have the passwords to 2 of her email addresses.
I have her new social media password. Waiting for more development on those. I am still trying to figure out a way to get her verizon bill's account number. 

So far, what I do have has led me to -

1. She is using her pre-marriage name (She has legally taken my last name). 
2. She has added this kid from our past, whom has proven to be very, very pesky to our relationship. Has admitted his love to her multiple times. Tried to convince her I am a dirtbag, etc. 
3. He commented on one of her pictures 'This picture....'

Not exactly sure what to think at this point. I am gonna give this situation the benefit of the doubt, and let a little more information roll in. She has been a little busy lately, traveling back to FL, and coming back and working. She just made this a few days ago, so I am gonna wait until I get back from deployment, or she attempts to say something to me. My plan, is to nonchalantly slip this information into a conversation and get her to lie to me. Once she lies to me, I have her cornered.


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## LoveBeingFemale

How sad, and truly disrespectful. I cannot imagine ever speaking to my husband like that-------ever. Is there no older woman in her life who you can contact to sit her down and talk with her about her behavior, and whose advice she would be willing to listen to and take to heart???? And the pot smoking would have to end, period.


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## manonfire

LoveBeingFemale said:


> How sad, and truly disrespectful. I cannot imagine ever speaking to my husband like that-------ever. Is there no older woman in her life who you can contact to sit her down and talk with her about her behavior, and whose advice she would be willing to listen to and take to heart???? And the pot smoking would have to end, period.


Well. Her mother demanded I call her the other day.
Needless to say, it was basically her blaming ancient problems on me and saying that I could be cheating over here, and threatening me, threatening to take away my guns. Her mom said 'Fvck you' to me atleast 5 times. So, I'd say she would listen to her mother. Though, apparently not. Her mother agreed she should not be going to the club while I am deployed, and when I told her that her own mom she said that. 'I don't care what my mom said, its a once in a life time event and I'm not gonna miss it.' It's funny, because she always says 'I was not raised this way, etc'. She won't listen to her mother. 

I'm not sure. We have no adult friends where we live, because we are in GA. She was in FL, but the time that her mom was suppose to sit her down and talk about what we talked about on the phone, she was too drunk to remember, and too busy blaming all our problems on me. And then blaming her divorce on going divorce on her husband, though she is at the neighbors every day and is still technically married. Shame. These are highly confused women.


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## LoveBeingFemale

Okay, well now we know where the swearing is coming from. I think her mother means well, it's just that maybe she doesn't necessarily go about it the right way. Is there absolutely no older woman, other than a family member, that can talk to your wife about what it means to be in a marriage and how you treat your spouse? What does the military provide in terms of counseling for spouses who are in these types of situations?


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## manonfire

LoveBeingFemale said:


> Okay, well now we know where the swearing is coming from. I think her mother means well, it's just that maybe she doesn't necessarily go about it the right way. Is there absolutely no older woman, other than a family member, that can talk to your wife about what it means to be in a marriage and how you treat your spouse? What does the military provide in terms of counseling for spouses who are in these types of situations?


We'll see. I plan on us going to marriage counseling, or something when I get back.

Not exactly sure as we speak, and she isn't exactly open to attempting to seek help.


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## keko

manonfire said:


> I have the passwords to 2 of her email addresses.
> I have her new social media password. Waiting for more development on those. I am still trying to figure out a way to get her verizon bill's account number.
> 
> So far, what I do have has led me to -
> 
> 1. She is using her pre-marriage name (She has legally taken my last name).
> 2. She has added this kid from our past, whom has proven to be very, very pesky to our relationship. Has admitted his love to her multiple times. Tried to convince her I am a dirtbag, etc.
> 3. He commented on one of her pictures 'This picture....'
> 
> Not exactly sure what to think at this point. I am gonna give this situation the benefit of the doubt, and let a little more information roll in. She has been a little busy lately, traveling back to FL, and coming back and working. She just made this a few days ago, so I am gonna wait until I get back from deployment, or she attempts to say something to me. My plan, is to nonchalantly slip this information into a conversation and get her to lie to me. Once she lies to me, I have her cornered.


So basically you're risking your life for your family while she's wh0ring herself around. Are you proud to call her your wife?

Until either you or a PI tails her on one of her outings you will not catch her red handed.


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## manonfire

keko said:


> So basically you're risking your life for your family while she's wh0ring herself around. Are you proud to call her your wife?
> 
> Until either you or a PI tails her on one of her outings you will not catch her red handed.


Yes, no and well, I don't think I can afford a PI, but she is not very smart and evidence will be left by the time I get back in a month.


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## tom67

manonfire said:


> Yes, no and well, I don't think I can afford a PI, but she is not very smart and evidence will be left by the time I get back in a month.


Do you have any friends you trust that could follow her for a few days? I feel for you but she sounds like way too much trouble for what it's worth.


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## keko

manonfire said:


> Yes, no and well, I don't think I can afford a PI, but she is not very smart and evidence will be left by the time I get back in a month.


In other words you're hoping she'll email some guy(s) she met at a club or a party just to confirm they f**ked? Good luck with that.

If you can't afford a PI than ask your father, uncle, brother or a cousin to follow her next time she goes back to her parents or when you're suspicious she's going out to party or something. 

Since you're still going through the denial phase most of what we say doesn't make sense to you but if someone can provide you pictures or a video of your wife in an inappropriate relationship, you'll find the strength to get yourself out of limbo.


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## manonfire

She is no longer in town. All of my friends are here with me, except one, but he doesn't have a car. She won't be able to think this many steps ahead. She is too reckless and naive. If there is something to catch. I will catch it. In the mean time, I'm going to give her just enough rope to hang her self.

I am in a denial stage, and it seems I've been in the same stage for over a year. She was being stupid around this time last year too, and I again, fell for all of this horse sh*t. 

The problem is, I don't think she cheated. But I _want_ to think she has. If she did, it will make leaving her so much easier. So much more justifiable. Not to say it's already not justifiable, but even more. 

And to the first comment, as far as I know, we will be seeking counseling.


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## keko

You sound so sure of yourself and her but before marrying her did you know she was going to go batsh!t crazy?

Does she know the exact day you'll be back?


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## manonfire

keko said:


> You sound so sure of yourself and her but before marrying her did you know she was going to go batsh!t crazy?
> 
> Does she know the exact day you'll be back?


Exact day? No.

I knew she was a little crazy. But it wasn't anything I couldn't handle at the time. She has just off the deep end recently. 
Today, we attempted to talk, but ended up arguing, and she says that I am abusive. She said that she talked to 'professionals'.
I don't know what her idea of abusive is. I don't yell, hit her, make her do anything, threaten her, etc. I cooked, cleaned, worked and paid the bills before I deployed. She wasn't enough working at the time and was complaining about cooking and cleaning and how I didn't do enough. She yells, cusses, threatens me that if I ever did anything her uncles are 'not afraid to go to jail'. I mean lol, cmon. She even went as far as to tell her mom she is 'scared' because I have guns in the apartment. I am the farthest person from an abuser ever. I am the damn dream husband. I do everything. Buy her ****. Her mom bought her a stupid cheap watch for christmas. I got her a mac book pro because she wants to do graphic design. I am so supportive of her goals in life. Granted, I am not perfect, I am slightly controlling, and jealous (Though I have cut my controlling tendencies, aside from wanting her to go to the club. Still don't want that ****, specially in our marital state.)


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## tom67

If you can tell her you are coming on a certain date but come home a few days before.


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