# range of emotions almost too much--VENT



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Today was great with the entire family. Had good conversation and great family times with laughs, jokes, etc.

Even while with the wife, I questioned what a changed person she has become, and how I pine at someone in the past. Then, part of me, thinks I could love the person my wife has become.

Sure enough, after leaving her and my children (her night with them), my emotions tanked because I did not have something specific planned.

It is a literal see-saw of emotions. Went to a movie by myself, which isn't uncommon, yet almost bailed because I was by myself, overcome with emotions and questions.

Some would advise ceasing to be present in my W's environment with the children on "her days/nights" I thought about that and how it would limit my interaction with my children and their spontaneity in various circumstances...

Any others find the fine line between maximizing time around/with the children, yet, keeping feelings in check with the spouse? Again, my ultimate goal is R and us to form a new union. She is reluctant/doubtful about our M, and enjoys her "freedom."

I'm at such a loss as to understand our predicament because there was no abuse, addiction, affair, fighting, etc., and she's not leaving for OM. And, of course, she loves me (ILYBINILWY) and wishes to be close friends, yet, at the moment, she is not willing to allow us a chance to fight for our 12 year marriage.

I'm so sad..


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## abetterme (Mar 8, 2012)

I'm in the same boat except living seperately with my h. He made a proposal for a divorce settlement. I'm in shock.


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Today was great with the entire family. Had good conversation and great family times with laughs, jokes, etc.
> 
> Even while with the wife, I questioned what a changed person she has become, and how I pine at someone in the past. Then, part of me, thinks I could love the person my wife has become.
> 
> ...



I understand what you're going through, Jayb. It's tough. There was a time I told my husband specifically that I did not want to see his face whenever he was visiting the children. I literally handed the baby to our nanny and had her bring the infant to my husband, locked myself up in my room, and stayed there the whole time he was there. He couldn't take them out because he was in deep financial trouble and would only come over to visit. 

There was a lot of anger on my part, what with his affairs. Jayb, you said that there has been no abuse, addiction, affairs, and fighting. But there MUST have been something. It's going to be painful but you have to look within yourself for the answers. When a marriage is about to end in divorce, it's never just the other person's fault. Both spouses have a hand in the success or failure of a marriage, just as each person in any enterprise has their own contribution to its growth or demise.

Let her enjoy her freedom. And enjoy yours, too. I know it's ripping you apart inside, but you have to force yourself to enjoy your own company, to have fun even without her. Because you said that she's not willing to fight for your 12-year marriage, let go. And by let go, I mean offer up your pain to God, or to the Universe, or whatever Higher Power you believe in. And you must let go everyday. Sometimes every few minutes or so, just to be able to breathe. You feel tortured, but the only way to get through it is to build a life of your own now that you are not together. 

Build a life that you love and enjoy. It's cliche but go and pursue the hobbies now that you once neglected. Go out and have fun with friends. I dated myself the whole time my husband and I were separated (1 1/2 years). Went to my favorite restaurants, pampered myself at spas, bought myself little gifts. I also took dancing lessons, studied to become a chocolatier, and re-energized relationships with some of my old friends. I kept forcing myself to see the separation from a different perspective. I was so sick of being sad and lonely. It eventually became a time of learning, growth, and exploring the world for me.

Leave your wife alone with the kids on the nights she has her. Let them have time that is exclusively theirs, while you go do your own thing. This isn't just a ploy to get your wife to miss you and be curious about you (although that will likely happen). This is to build your self-worth at the core and be happy even if you're not in a romantic relationship. Let your happiness not hinge on another person--even if she be your wife--loving you in return. Like I said in another post, even if R is your ultimate goal, you must be okay with not reconciling. This is where letting go comes in. Wish for R, pray for it, meditate upon it. And then let go. Really let go, wish your wife well silently in your heart, and start living your life for YOU.


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