# I was the cheater.. many times.



## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

I was asked a question in another thread that I will answer right here in this one. After telling parts of my story someone asked why I married my husband. I will post a portion of my story and if anyone wants insight as to why I cheated I will give you answers to the best of my ability. 

I have never been single. I met my first husband when I was 12 years old and we had three children by the time I was 20. When our son was 5 months old I found out about his cheating. Many times over and over again. Including once with my sister. He left me for the current lover and yes, they are still together to this day. They have a love hate relationship and he has cheated on her many times as well. 

When I met my current husband V, I was still married to my ex and had not yet found out about the current affair. He showed some interest but I was very much a walk the line and would never have cheated. Besides, I couldn't stand him(V) at the time. Two weeks after I met him, my husband left me and I was devastated. My current husband V was a friend of my mother and happened to stop by one day while I was there crying on her shoulder. I was 20 with three small children and had never worked a day in my life. I didn't drive, didn't have an education and had known nothing but being a wife and a mother. This man was so very different from my husband and had a great job, was good looking and interested in me. I stood my ground however and would not have a relationship with him though he kept trying. 

After a few months of his pursuing me constantly, I realized this man was the opposite of my ex and I could trust him to never hurt me so even though I felt no spark with him I decided to give him a chance. I waited three years to marry him and did so knowing we had no passion but by then I was pregnant and wanted to do what was right for my children. I thought we could make it work. That was 16 years ago. I have cheated with over 10 men since then and he has cheated once with my sister (before I ever cheated for an FYI). If you have any questions as to why or what led to my cheating, I will answer you with all honesty. I have listed myself with an alias because I am ashamed of my mistakes but thankful to have learned from them and seen the light. I do not cheat anymore. I am not proud of it nor do I condone it. I don't have excuses-what I did was wrong but I do have reasons. 

But if anyone can be helped by what I went through.. then I am more than happy to share my why's and what I did. Three affairs spanning seven years and numerous "hook" ups. It's not pretty. Over ten men. But it's honest admission. So please don't judge me. I am not the same woman. I wake up each day thankful to have a new start. This thread can be open to any and all questions about why women cheat or infidelity questions. I am no expert but can share my experiences and thoughts on it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What the hell is with your sister?!?! Screwing BOTH your husbands? Hopefully SHE is getting some help as well.

You haven't really answered why you married your current husband. Or are you still married to him?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Whenever people say "don't judge me"...it's usually for things they should be judged for. Rarely do people say "I paid my taxes in full, don't judge me" or "I am very good to my employees, please don't judge me."

I wish this thread well....


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> What the hell is with your sister?!?! Screwing BOTH your husbands? Hopefully SHE is getting some help as well.
> 
> You haven't really answered why you married your current husband. Or are you still married to him?


Yes, my sister has a ton of issues which is why I was able to forgive her. There is not a man that I or my mother have ever been interested in that she didn't pursue. When I found out, I was crushed. Up until that point I had my husband as the only man I had ever been involved with that had no interest in her. Unfortunately it is not that way anymore. Turns out he had always wanted to have sex with her. I was the "marrying" type and she was the one night stand type. If you can put labels on us that is. 

I married him because I was young and scared, I didn't want to introduce my children to the dating scene and didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I figured things weren't so horrible that I couldn't sacrifice passion for a good man, a father figure and support. I should say that looking back I did marry him mostly for the stability he provided. Growing up poor, I was terrified of raising my children alone. I didn't realize how strong I was and I was very insecure. Over time, I grew and changed and I knew that I married him for all of the wrong reasons. But like it or not, I had made my bed and thought I had to sleep in it. So for years, I struggled to be happy and the result was me compromising who I was by becoming someone I didn't recognize in search of happiness.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

4 kids at 23-24 ?


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Go ahead and confirm which ones apply to you:

1. Sexually abused as a child
2. Seek validation from men
3. Poor boundaries
4. Abysmal communication skills
5. Abandoned by mother / father
6. Emotional / physical abuse as a child and then later as an adult 
7. Sexual addiction stemming from one or more of the above

Am I close?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I was the "marrying" type and she was the one night stand type. If you can put labels on us that is.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> Whenever people say "don't judge me"...it's usually for things they should be judged for. Rarely do people say "I paid my taxes in full, don't judge me" or "I am very good to my employees, please don't judge me."
> 
> I wish this thread well....


LOL.. ok.. touche.. so judge me. I am fine with who I am now. Happy even. What happened was the past. Not the present or the future. We learn from our mistakes. 

For the record, I do pay my taxes, I don't lie anymore, I don't steal, or cheat, I am good to my employee's and all of the above. I am Me. Plain and simple. Love me or hate me. I will survive either way. Thank you for the well wishes. This thread is not for me. It's to help the million others that may be affected by a woman like me. A cheater. What's the saying.. you can't con a con artist? Well, I was the con artist now reformed offering up my experiences. That's all.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

WonderHow said:


> Go ahead and confirm which ones apply to you:
> 
> 1. Sexually abused as a child
> 2. Seek validation from men
> ...


All of the above. Never denied it either. But... I am not sexually addicted. It was never about the sex. it was about emotional connection. Most of the time I never even enjoyed the sex. And for the record, my H is aware of all that I have done and we are doing very well now. We still have problems but working them out. This was years ago that I cheated. And yes, I had 4 children by the age of 23 to the other poster. I am 36 and my daughters are doing well. One is married and graduated and the other is engaged with a baby on the way. I may have screwed up my relationship but I kept my children out of it.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

warlock07 said:


>



Ha Ha.. lol. very funny. cute even.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Meg, 
What was it that made you realize you needed to change and how did you manage to make a complete 180? How long did it take?

Did you come clean with your husband? Is all forgiven - both ways?

Your story is somewhat odd. I'd like to hear more from you. Very interesting.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Yay !! Rationalization Hampster Show-and-Tell !!

Meg, 

No offense but I dont think its a big mystery why you did it. You wanted to and you found a way to let yourself. Sure your story seems complicted to you, but it's not. It's as simple, cheap and common as stories get.

What your going to be giving are your rationalizations, and how you talked yourself into it. Each person is different the ones you pushed and how you came to find them are inconsequential.

On a guess... Your rationalization hampster is likely the "loveless marriage" (ie: 'scared to be alone' 'provide for kids' 'no love, just duty') ... That loveless marriage defense got stronger in your mind and eventually opened your legs to whomever you wanted in the moment. 

Now that your 'reformed', I hope you admit the simple truth. You did it because you wanted to, and you could. So you did.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long ago did your husband find out about your cheating?

Are you happy in your marriage now?


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

meg444 said:


> All of the above. Never denied it either.


And I wasn't picking on you. It's just oh so cliche. I wonder what bits of wisdom that you discovered through all of this that you care to share?



meg444 said:


> And for the record, my H is aware of all that I have done and we are doing very well now. We still have problems but working them out. This was years ago that I cheated.


How many years? I would be really interested in knowing what made your husband decide to stick it out. Honestly, knowing nothing more about what you did, your background is on the extreme side from what I have seen on these boards. Your husband is made of something I'm not. I honestly can say that there is no way I would still be with you.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Yay !! Rationalization Hampster Show-and-Tell !!
> 
> Meg,
> 
> ...


LOL.. okay. Whatever you say. It's not as simple as that nor did I say my story was special. There just aren't many women willing to admit the truth as much as I have.. but just so you are aware.. there are clubs of women out there like me that would die before admitting to the crazy sexual things they have done while maintaining being a preachers wife or singing in the choir or working in politics by day and being a stripper by night all in the name of " a loveless marriage". For the record, I never said my marriage was loveless. 

And yes, I know a few of those women and would never betray them. They have to "reform" themselves if they so chose to.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How long ago did your husband find out about your cheating?
> 
> Are you happy in your marriage now?



I didn't let my husband find out about it. I told him up front. He had his suspicions but could not confirm anything. I became very good at hiding what I didn't want him to know. I don't like that but it's the truth. Yes, we are happy now. We have both grown up and forgiven. 

The last affair ended in 2008. I have been true to not only my husband since then, but to myself as well. I don't want any other men anymore. And if I run into some of the men that I had "flings" with or what not.. I don't run and hide but I do evaluate how I feel about it, go home and talk to my husband about it and most of the time it's asking myself "What was I thinking!" I am ashamed for the most part.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks for telling your story.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Meg,
> What was it that made you realize you needed to change and how did you manage to make a complete 180? How long did it take?
> 
> Did you come clean with your husband? Is all forgiven - both ways?
> ...



I will answer this later. I have to go make dinner for my family. I appreciate your comment. It's nice to know some people are genuinely curious and not judgmental.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You did it because you wanted to, and you could. So you did.




After eating half of the potato chip bag one can say "oh what the hey, lets just finish it all, we're already half way through anyway"

One, led to the other, and another, a downward spiral which she choose to get herself out of.

Sometimes a little catalyst can make us do things we never allowed ourselves too do. 

You became what originally destroyed your first marriage. No matter what your husband did to you no cheating can be justified.

Keep working hard. You've come a long way.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

meg444 said:


> LOL.. okay. Whatever you say. It's not as simple as that nor did I say my story was special. There just aren't many women willing to admit the truth as much as I have.. but just so you are aware.. there are clubs of women out there like me that would die before admitting to *the crazy sexual things they have done *while maintaining being a preachers wife or singing in the choir or working in politics by day and being a stripper by night all in the name of " a loveless marriage". For the record, I never said my marriage was loveless.
> 
> And yes, I know a few of those women and would never betray them. They have to "reform" themselves if they so chose to.


I am waiting to hear with baited breath.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> After eating half of the potato chip bag one can say "oh what the hey, lets just finish it all, we're already half way through anyway"
> 
> One, led to the other, and another, a downward spiral which she choose to get herself out of.
> 
> ...


Exactly! I knew that and would have expressed it in another post but you hit the nail on the head and I agree 100 percent. No cheating can be justified but it is like an avalanche.. one right after the other until I put a stop to my own downward spiral.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What has your husband done to atone for his cheating? 

I have never cheated but I can fully understand how some people do. It doesn't make it right and IMO wise people choose a different path, but sometimes wisdom comes from a lot of lessons and self reflection.

BTW I could NEVER. Forgive someone who slept with my sister. How have you managed to forgive him ?and he you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Meg

Did you join or find support on infidelity boards on the internet?


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Meg
> 
> Did you join or find support on infidelity boards on the internet?


No, I did not. This is the first time I have ever written about this to anyone. why?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

meg444 said:


> No, I did not. This is the first time I have ever written about this to anyone. why?


You mentioned a "club". I was wondering if you actually meant a virtual club. There are several sites that support cheaters and provide advice on evading discovery, tips on everything else. Just wondering.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

meg444 said:


> No, I did not. This is the first time I have ever written about this to anyone. why?



Wait, I think many years ago like back in 2004 or something I posted about my very first affair. That was so long ago I had forgotten it. I wasn't in a good place then and did not take the hurtful comments well. I don't even remember what site. But that was so long ago I had almost forgotten it. There was one man on their that was really odd but very supportive for me.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You mentioned a "club". I was wondering if you actually meant a virtual club. There are several sites that support cheaters and provide advice on evading discovery, tips on everything else. Just wondering.


Oh, well I thought you meant support. Yes, there were sites that I used to help me further my cause along when looking for "people" to meet up with. Men and women alike. It was support in a different way. Not support to help me quit. The clubs were a group of people intent on doing bad things.. not stopping the bad behavior. I have never told anyone quite what I am telling you guys.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You mentioned a "club". I was wondering if you actually meant a virtual club. There are several sites that support cheaters and provide advice on evading discovery, tips on everything else. Just wondering.


I didn't need the tips to avoid discovery, I needed alibis however and some of the women were very good for that. And so much more. But I don't want to make you think that all women are bad. Just like all men aren't. I am going to try and answer your question now. Finding time to write that story has been a little off today.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are an interesting person Meg. How are your kids doing? 
Any obvious or subtle fallout for them from the affairs from either of you? 

Was the atmosphere in your home DADT? or contentious?


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## SkaterDad (Aug 21, 2012)

meg444 said:


> I didn't let my husband find out about it. I told him up front. He had his suspicions but could not confirm anything.


This right here says more about this one situation than i have seen here on TAM. Not justifying any cheating, but that action, as crappy as hearing the news is better than what I have to go on - lies on lies, and even when my divorce is done, as it looks inevitable, I still won't have answers - a black hole in my marriage, left by my wife, for me to fill. If she came clean I could make a fully informed decision, and I know there are other BS's that would appreciate it as well, even it does mean divorcing.

And I am awaiting your answer as well!


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

1. You are very brave to do this.
2. A guy tried to do this before and I stuck up for him and we were both hammered to almost death on this thread and I was attacked so badly that some even said I had a crush on him. Nice - real nice, so very supportive. This after stating that I had just found out my Husband was a sex addict for our whole marriage - I just found out and here was a guy who was willing to answer anything to those of us who had married someone just like him or even close to him. But he was attacked. And I was attacked.
3. Again - you are very brave. People here are not interested in this kind of advice. 
4. I wish there was a thread exactly for wayward spouses -- MAYBE? IN THE FUTURE? But then someone will say - This is a support marriage forum!!!! Well, then there shouldn't be any divorces or separation threads.
5. Good luck and hang in there. You have support, but we (I was pm'd by people who supported me) learn not to give it here anymore.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

To start with, I think I need to give some background information on myself more than what I have given. 

Growing up, I lost my virginity at 12 by a 21 year old man in a drunken rape. It's a long story but I lost a week of my life. I moved on. I was molested for 9 years by a brother from a very young age. My father molested me during my weekend visitations after he divorced my mom when I was six. I did and do come from a very dysfunctional home. The silver lining- I was different and I knew it. They knew it too. I was the white sheep in a black sheep family. I carried myself different. When everyone was partying or getting pretty for the boys.. I was burying my nose in a book. I tried to keep to myself and keep out of trouble. I walked the line, made straight A's in school and did what I was told even if it meant taking my clothes off for the men of my family because I was 6 and didn't know they were wrong. 

As bad as that sounds, it was normal for me. I didn't realize how much my life sucked because I was too busy enjoying running through the woods, listening to the birds, sailing the high seas in the novels that I read. I lost myself in fantasy and did well in everything to keep out of trouble. Even now, I paint and sketch, I sing, I take martial arts, I write poetry and work on a novel. I live my life to the fullest. 

What changed me to become the adulterer that I was only started with my ex sleeping with my sister while I was pregnant. Then the time he slept with an old child hood friend and her girlfriend at the same time while I was at home during a storm with our 1 year old and pregnant and a tree fell on the trailer. Talk about scared. I was 17. I had no mother to really comfort me. She was too busy chasing men 20 years her junior. My sister was sleeping with the football team basically and getting beat up by her ex at the same time. My life was awful and amidst it all I just wanted to take care of my children and love my husband. 

After my divorce and I moved in with new H, I did everything humanly possible to make him happy. I cooked and cleaned, I made his plate for him and took care of the house. Sex anytime he wanted it and was willing to do anything for him sexually. I had no backbone. I was his slave. He would come home and I would hug him while he stood there with his arms by his side looking around inspecting the house. My H is from Italy. Very Stern and Controlling. Very Controlling. I know it is contradicting to what I said earlier and I will get to that. I let him control me because everyone else in my life had and I knew no better. My ex called me a ***** for "letting" my family molest me but I didn't. I tried to stop them when I got older but was threatened with my life. So I let him convince me I was a horrible person. A *****. I let these men treat me however they wanted. 

Then one day I was talking to a friend when something dead inside of me came to life. My H hadn't slept in the bed with me in Five years. Hadn't told me he loved me in years but oh how I loved him at this point. This "friend" that I had never shared any relationship issues with called me on the phone. I knew I shouldn't talk to him, my husband was extremely jealous and would likely blow a gasket if he knew. But I felt a spark of rebellion ignite. I was not attracted to this man. I didn't plan on sleeping with him but for once I wanted to have control of myself and who I talk to. He called me to tell me not to discuss personal things with his wife. He wanted to warn me that she wasn't truly my friend and now he and his entire family knew my dirty little secrets. I was horrified yet grateful. He continued to call me. I fell in love.. or "the fog" as some would call it. That lasted almost two years and not once did I enjoy the sex. It was purely emotional. 

My husband changed overnight. He started sensing that I didn't care anymore about what he did or said to me. I stopped cleaning or cooking the way I used to. I kept my house clean for me but did it on my time when I wanted to. He would come home to me buried in a novel or lost in space daydreaming and not caring about his laundry or his dinner. I wasn't his slave anymore. How empowering. He didn't know how to behave. At first he threatened and I told him he had one time to hit me and he would have to sleep at some point. He moved back in the bed and started making passes at me which I declined. Oh the victory at having him beg me for love after all the years I begged him. I had tried talking and pleading. We had love for each other.. we just didn't show it. Ever. Or he didn't. 

So.. he became clingy and even more jealous if that was possible. Still no clue about the affair. It was someone who lived within walking distance that he knew well and we kept it well hid. I was terrible, I know it and I am not proud of it. I did things I never thought possible. I had given up on love. On life. All the cliche reasons. 

When I ended that affair it was because my husband was finally showing me the love I had always craved. I realized I didn't want A1 as a husband or even a lover. My life was terrible after I told my husband. I was the Scarlett A. My lovers wife made sure that the entire school board knew. She made sure all of my children knew and hers as well. She would shout it to people walking down the street. She once threw pizza at me and tried to run me over with her car. I deserved her hate. But my children did not. I stayed a lady and walked with my head held high and tears running down my cheeks. 

I wrote her an apology letter and begged her forgiveness. I let my husband abuse me physically once after I told him. Not hitting but sexual. After that once, I realized if I didn't stop it that it would become the normal for him so I again reminded him that I will not tolerate it any longer. Once I understood. I had hurt him. 

A year after the outing of my affair, I found out that my husband had slept with my sister before we were married but while I was pregnant with our son. I figured that I had had my affair only so I could forgive him this sin because of the previous hurt caused by my sister. I told him when I first started dating him that if he had any attraction what so ever to her to let me know because I would walk away. I will not be a pawn in any man's sick game to "bang" all three of the women in my family. 

After a while, we started going to church. I got saved. He got saved. Things cooled off. Trust was being rebuilt. Then he started turning me down for sex. He started being distant. The same old routine was starting back. One night I went to him begging for intimacy and he flat turned his back on me. Out of anger, I went online where I met A2. That started as me feeling sorry for him because he didn't have anyone and yada yada. He made me feel needed and loved. Lasted for almost 2 years. I ended it again when H started suspecting and showing love again. 

Oh what a web we weave. I am leaving out so many things on purpose because this is a novel in and of itself. 

A3 started from a website specifically for this purpose. In between affairs there were some one night stands. Some regulars that weren't affairs but FWB so to speak. I felt in control of myself finally and my husband was a mess. He was clingy and sappy, bringing me flowers again and opening doors. I resented him and hated him for it. I seen his cycle and I seen mine. 

In my mind I was screaming at myself to stop this. There are two sides of me. Literally, a demon and an angel. One begging me to give him another chance and be honest with him so he knows what he is letting go of and the other saying no.. enjoy this newfound power that I had. Enjoy playing with these men and using them for exactly what they were good for. Sex. I hated men but I used them. I was in a very bad place. There is a book called the 48 laws of Power introduced to me by A3. A soldier. A man I truly fell head over hills in love with. A man that broke my heart and helped me become the woman I am now. 

I let him go too.. because he was using this book against me. He inadvertently told me about this book one day when we were walking through the bookstore hand in hand. Later I purchased it and realized what games he had been playing. He did love me. I know that for sure. I loved him. But I didn't love how I met him and I didn't love what it would do to his family if I took him from her. I didn't love what it would do to my family. 

My children were kept in the dark for the most part. I had to explain about the first affair but my husband and I did it together with very little detail and with a lot of holding hands and kissing and reassuring them that things were going to be okay. That we were not splitting up. There is backlash but not from my affair. Ironically it is daddy issues with my oldest son from his dad leaving me for another woman. 

I hit rock bottom when I let my soldier go. I had a choice to make. I could keep seeking happiness at the bottom of the affair barrel and keep hurting myself and my husband or I could admit that I had a problem and do something about it. I didn't want to go back to the way we were before because that didn't work obviously. 

I sat my husband down and told him everything and gave him the options. I now have a good job so I could leave if I needed to. I didn't feel "stuck" with him anymore and I had learned so much in all of my "games" that I knew I was a strong woman with a ton of will power and I built on that. I built on my confidence and learned to love myself again. I realized that if I didn't respect myself.. no one else would. If I continued to play games I was always going to be played. 

No one would take me serious anymore if this got out. No one would respect me. All the while I am singing on television for my church and being an Ambassador for a certain Humanitarian Organization, I am donating my time and money to charities and living a complete lie. I was a walking talking hypocrite. Go figure. 

Rock bottom was letting go of soldier but also telling husband because the core in me always did what was right. Rock bottom meant being scared silly that I had an STD from the one weekend with a man 15 years younger than me who had an STD that he didn't disclose when protection broke. Rock bottom meant facing life realizing I was now a "black sheep" like the rest of my family and I had nothing that set me apart from them. I was lost. 

I will finish this later. This is long enough as it is.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

boogie110 said:


> 1. You are very brave to do this.
> 2. A guy tried to do this before and I stuck up for him and we were both hammered to almost death on this thread and I was attacked so badly that some even said I had a crush on him. Nice - real nice, so very supportive. This after stating that I had just found out my Husband was a sex addict for our whole marriage - I just found out and here was a guy who was willing to answer anything to those of us who had married someone just like him or even close to him. But he was attacked. And I was attacked.
> 3. Again - you are very brave. People here are not interested in this kind of advice.
> 4. I wish there was a thread exactly for wayward spouses -- MAYBE? IN THE FUTURE? But then someone will say - This is a support marriage forum!!!! Well, then there shouldn't be any divorces or separation threads.
> 5. Good luck and hang in there. You have support, but we (I was pm'd by people who supported me) learn not to give it here anymore.


I appreciate that. I understand that most people don't reach the level that I have when it comes to forgiveness because most people haven't been hurt quite the way I have. Everything I have posted is nothing in comparison to all that I have gone through and yet I know that there are others who have been through worse. 

I am to the point that I don't care what people think of me. I have learned from my mistakes and feel that everything happens for a reason. So yes, I had to cheat to understand the cheater and be able to forgive. We are not horrible people. We are just human. One sin is no different from another sin. I feel bad for the people who have been hurt on here. I hope that they can realize and understand that to forgive someone isn't for the person that hurt them. It is for themselves so that they can move on and finally be happy. Not everyone finds that. 

I am at peace with my life now. I love my husband and he loves me and we have more passion than ever in our marriage. If I am ever to be the witness god wants me to be. I have to start somewhere.. maybe this is the place. Telling the world how wicked I was.. and how I am no saint now.. but I am on the path to recovery. Thanks for your support.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You are an interesting person Meg. How are your kids doing?
> Any obvious or subtle fallout for them from the affairs from either of you?
> 
> Was the atmosphere in your home DADT? or contentious?


The atmosphere was very tense for a while. But we continued to go to bed together at night and talk things out. My H has his issues to. We did split up once. For six weeks. But he stuck by me and I thank god for giving me such a strong man. And here I thought he was weak. Turns out.. he was stronger than any man I know. Mentally. Where it matters most.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Whenever people say "don't judge me"...it's usually for things they should be judged for. Rarely do people say "I paid my taxes in full, don't judge me" or "I am very good to my employees, please don't judge me."
> 
> I wish this thread well....


Coffee Amore, I actually found myself hoping people did not judge me over something I admitted to here on TAM.

Coffee Amore, often when people say: "please don't judge me" it's because they have already judged themselves and found themselves wanting...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Meg, coming here was brave. :smthumbup: My best wishes to you, your husband and your kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I find it interesting that you behaved much like my FWW, Not nearly as intense, but all the same an emotionally abusive dad, a teenage date rape, and a physicaly abusive husband(me).

Poeple do change, I no longer slap my wife around, Mrs. the-guy no longer sleeps with the nearest strange. With the right tools anyone can turn over a new leaf.

I understand you have been doing this for a short time, Mrs. the-guy was screwing around for twice as long as your were and with twice as many men, but if you could answers this one question, what did it take to realize the short term satisfaction was not meeting your needs and a healthy change needed to take place?

In my wifes case, it was getting into some ONS guy's car that had plastic lining around the car seats and dash board. It was then that it was easier to just let the strange have his way then fight. In the end it was the walk of shame to her car back to the bar that made her realy rethink her life.

Was it a dramtic event that clicked or was it more, enough is enough?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There's no point in telling you how "horrible" you were you know and admit as much. I find it interesting that you said "out loud" what we advise BS here. You said that at one point your husband was bringing you flowers and being all mushy to win you back.

Yet you found his attempts to be pathetic and weak. His actions are 'reflex actions' that are actually counterproductive no? 

Still, I think that at that point if he had served you with a divorce petition you would have acquiesced and split right? Would a split have set you on the straight and narrow with another relationship? I think not and you probably can't really answer since you don't really know right?

Interesting and very sad story. The abuse you sustained as youth, unfortunately are not not unique and is a sad reflection on parts of our society. 

I'm pleased you have found the righteous path and wish you a fulfilling life. Can't wait to read the rest.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> I find it interesting that you behaved much like my FWW, Not nearly as intense, but all the same an emotionally abusive dad, a teenage date rape, and a physicaly abusive husband(me).
> 
> Poeple do change, I no longer slap my wife around, Mrs. the-guy no longer sleeps with the nearest strange. With the right tools anyone can turn over a new leaf.
> 
> ...


As crazy as things were with me, I never got into a strange man's car. I may be a lot of things but crazy was not one of them. Well, not in the sense that I would purposefully put myself in danger. There was no dramatic event and it did not happen over night. It was a period of time. The STD scare sure helped and thank god I was clean. 

I think we all have some crazy in us. And everyone keeps saying I am brave. I don't see it as brave. I am just straight forward. I learned that it is better to be outright honest than to hide behind lies. Besides, it is not easy remembering all of those lies. It's much more liberating to be all me. One me. Not two faced, no secret agendas.. gosh.. even posting on here is liberating. I can finally be honest with the world here. I take it this is a close knit group that harbors resentment against cheaters? I don't blame them.. been there myself.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

SkaterDad said:


> This right here says more about this one situation than i have seen here on TAM. Not justifying any cheating, but that action, as crappy as hearing the news is better than what I have to go on - lies on lies, and even when my divorce is done, as it looks inevitable, I still won't have answers - a black hole in my marriage, left by my wife, for me to fill. If she came clean I could make a fully informed decision, and I know there are other BS's that would appreciate it as well, even it does mean divorcing.
> 
> And I am awaiting your answer as well!


I am so sorry that you had to go through that. As someone who has been on both sides of that fence I can really feel your pain. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can fill that hole one day.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

meg444 said:


> Yes, my sister has a ton of issues which is why I was able to forgive her.


 Is she retarded? What is her emotional age? Is it over the age of six? If so, your forgiveness was ignorantly given. 

Can she navigate life on her own? Tell us about your sister's retarded emotional state, please.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats were Mrs. the guy is at today, after so many years life is alot easier then all the lies, risks and toxic people that she surrounded her self with.

After her 1st seven years she just stop caring, by 10-13 years it was her belief in God that kept her safe as she spiraled down "God will protect me" as I walk into the strange apartment, house or hotel.......

Truely a progression in to self destrution. actuall the 1st half of her adultour life style was tame compared to what she became during the second half of her adultous life style. She more then double her man count in the second half of her adultory.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> I find it interesting that you said "out loud" what we advise BS here. You said that at one point your husband was bringing you flowers and being all mushy to win you back.
> 
> Yet you found his attempts to be pathetic and weak. His actions are 'reflex actions' that are actually counterproductive no?


Yes, his attempts were counterproductive. I resented him trying to love me with shallow measures. I resented him trying to love me at all after all the begging and pleading I had done. It wasn't until he thought he had lost me that he wanted me. 

I hated his flowers and his chivalry. I wanted him to yell at me or leave me. I wanted him to have his own life that didn't involve me all of the time. I wanted him to realize his mistakes and truly love me and flowers and candy didn't show that. Communication would. He was trying to put a band aid on an open heart surgery.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

No, god loves us but I don't use god like that. I let god use me. I would never purposefully hurt my husband or god again while asking god to protect me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

meg444 said:


> I learned that it is better to be outright honest than to hide behind lies. Besides, it is not easy remembering all of those lies. It's much more liberating to be all me. One me. Not two faced, no secret agendas.. gosh.. even posting on here is liberating. I can finally be honest with the world here. I take it this is a close knit group that harbors resentment against cheaters? I don't blame them.. been there myself.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
That's healing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don"t think I ever had a chance to be counter productive, Once I faced my own reality I jstt told my self I had enough and was done, Its was my waywards wife that fought to put together a marriage we never had in the last 20 years.

Its wierd being married to someone for 23 years and not being married for 20 of those years....what were we thinking? LOL


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

meg444 said:


> No, god loves us but I don't use god like that. I let god use me. I would never purposefully hurt my husband or god again while asking god to protect me.


Its was hard, I imagine as Mrs. the guy gets attention, sweet talk and a soft kiss...only to be sucked into the devils den after be bought drinks all night.

I said the same thing about talking to God and in the same breath walking into some strange apartment.

How bad do you have to be....or how bad is life that you have to go down yours and Mrs. the guys life to take the step you guys took......

Hell I know the answer......maybe!

Its just so messed up how thing once were and how they are for now. It truely is uncomprehendable.

I have talked to my Mrs. the-guy extensively about these matters, and I could talk to you for the same amount of time....and I may never get the bandaid you guys had to use to get through.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Was it a bandaid for you?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I commend you on your bravery in posting this. I hope you find happiness and peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

committedwife said:


> Is she retarded? What is her emotional age? Is it over the age of six? If so, your forgiveness was ignorantly given.
> 
> Can she navigate life on her own? Tell us about your sister's retarded emotional state, please.


No, she is not retarded. She is a very beautiful very sensual woman that I have always been jealous of because I was insecure with me. But I found out that I am just as beautiful and just as sensual as she is.. and now I am happy with me and don't need other men to make me feel happy. 

I forgave her because she is my sister and I love her. A person can't live with hate in their heart. It eats away at the soul. I knew what I was doing. It wasn't for her.. I pity her and understand her. It was for me.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

:iagree:


Acabado said:


> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> That's healing.


:iagree::iagree:


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Meg
You should consider hanging around here after your story is told. You have incredible insight and can see and feel what many here struggle with. Your advice would be valuable.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Whew, just reading this was an emotional roller coaster for me.

Incredible...to say the very least.

Meg, I have read hundreds of stories over the years, and I can say with all the conviction I can muster this is the most inspiring story of personal recovery I have ever seen. I am truly in awe of you, your strength, and your transformation. Impressive.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Prayers to you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So meg, are the kids all actually your husbands? Or is he raising another mans child?

Why has you husband stayed with you after your cheating, out right declaration of no love or passion for him? Why be with you when you want to be the other guys such as the soldier?

Why ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

meg444 said:


> Yes, his attempts were counterproductive. I resented him trying to love me with shallow measures. I resented him trying to love me at all after all the begging and pleading I had done. It wasn't until he thought he had lost me that he wanted me.
> 
> I hated his flowers and his chivalry. I wanted him to yell at me or leave me. I wanted him to have his own life that didn't involve me all of the time. I wanted him to realize his mistakes and truly love me and flowers and candy didn't show that. Communication would. He was trying to put a band aid on an open heart surgery.


So what changed? I'm very curious that he kept at it? Does he have a white knight complex?


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> So meg, are the kids all actually your husbands? Or is he raising another mans child?
> 
> Why has you husband stayed with you after your cheating, out right declaration of no love or passion for him? Why be with you when you want to be the other guys such as the soldier?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Having that many children at such a young age usually means that your education suffers. Your writing, though, is quite literate. How did you manage your education? You say you were always reading. Is that all there was to it?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

How does someone overcome what you have and how does one change like you have? What is the first step? How does one start?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Meg,

You write so much in the other thread,MOU go into do much detail on stuff, so come on, how about expanding on why your husband has stayed despite the many times you chose other men over him?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Having that many children at such a young age usually means that your education suffers. Your writing, though, is quite literate. How did you manage your education? You say you were always reading. Is that all there was to it?


I wondered the same, aD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

meg444 said:


> And yes, I had 4 children by the age of 23 to the other poster. I am 36 and my daughters are doing well. One is married and graduated and the other is engaged with a baby on the way. I may have screwed up my relationship but I kept my children out of it.


You have not kept your children out of it, the cycle is continuing with them. Young and pregnant. Now you say one is married and graduated - graduated college?? and the other is engaged with a baby on the way, how old is she? has she graduated?


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Megan, thanks for your post. Although I have a thousand WHY's, those questions are not productive, and you might feel I am JUDGING you. So I will skip those questions and ask progressive ones. 

Now for your daughters... some have already began to marry young, and get pregnant, I think you have a 14yr old, how are you teaching her to avoid this? are you? do you see anything wrong with getting married in their teens, pregnant? 

Yourself, what is your occupation now? are you still a stay at home mom? have you done, or doing anything to empower yourself currently?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I may have screwed up my relationship but I kept my children out of it.

Keep lying to yourself if that helps you sleep well at night. You are using TAM to feel better about yourself(nothing wrong with it if you are not lying). Maybe if you can convince all these anonymous people of all the hardships and how all these affair were learning experiences that made you a better person you are today,go ahead and help yourself.. But I think you are still lying. Lying to the extent that you believe it is the truth.


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

You said your first husband left you.
Married your second because he had more money, but you didn't love him, but it was right by your kids. Then you go on and on about being his "slave" in loving him, hugging him after work while he kept his arms to the side "inspecting" the house. Then you controlled him with your vagina, while being with other men who you also admit to controlling with your vagina. now, you are in a good place financially yourself and made it sound like you dont need men because you have money. im sorry for what you went through as a kid, but your not the only one who has had those problems. I was abused as a kid as well, every story and circumstance is different, but im not on some mission from God to leave a trail of heartbroken men and women behind me as I maneuver myself in life to get whats best for ME. Thats all you done for yourself, all of your stories ooze selfishness and lack of respect for the opposite sex, and yourself. 
One last question, how much meth was involved in all of this, or weed, or alcohol? Be honest with us there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Biscuits said:


> You said your first husband left you.
> Married your second because he had more money, but you didn't love him, but it was right by your kids. Then you go on and on about being his "slave" in loving him, hugging him after work while he kept his arms to the side "inspecting" the house. Then you controlled him with your vagina, while being with other men who you also admit to controlling with your vagina. now, you are in a good place financially yourself and made it sound like you dont need men because you have money. im sorry for what you went through as a kid, but your not the only one who has had those problems. I was abused as a kid as well, every story and circumstance is different, but im not on some mission from God to leave a trail of heartbroken men and women behind me as I maneuver myself in life to get whats best for ME. Thats all you done for yourself, all of your stories ooze selfishness and lack of respect for the opposite sex, and yourself.
> One last question, how much meth was involved in all of this, or weed, or alcohol? Be honest with us there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't have time to go in depth the way I want to at the moment, you are all entitled to your opinion but I will state that I do NOT do drugs, I do not drink other than the occasional glass of wine or if I go to a beer fest I will try samples of foreign beer. I have never done Meth and I simply hate Weed because my ex was a dealer. Yes, I was selfish and me pointing out these things on here was not out of pride for being that way. It was not out of lack of respect and I did mention that I lacked respect for my husband and myself so tell me something I don't know please. 

I am educated and will go into further detail on that later. I do not need TAM to make me feel better. I have plenty of people to talk to if needed. My H being the number one. I have read many of your statements to him and invited him to join. I didn't come here to boast about me nor am I on a mission from god. I only wanted to answer one question on another thread. It was never intended to go this far. But it has and I will not back down from it. I am not proud of what I did. Plain and simple. So if it makes you feel better to bash someone you don't know that is simply being straight forward and honest and accuse of lying because you cannot believe that people do change.. well that is your sad story. Not mine. 

You cannot hurt me any more than I have already hurt myself. Have a wonderful day!


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

And for the record, we are not rich. We struggle like everyone else.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Humble Pie said:


> Megan, thanks for your post. Although I have a thousand WHY's, those questions are not productive, and you might feel I am JUDGING you. So I will skip those questions and ask progressive ones.
> 
> Now for your daughters... some have already began to marry young, and get pregnant, I think you have a 14yr old, how are you teaching her to avoid this? are you? do you see anything wrong with getting married in their teens, pregnant?
> 
> Yourself, what is your occupation now? are you still a stay at home mom? have you done, or doing anything to empower yourself currently?


I have two girls and two boys. My youngest is 13 and is a boy. My oldest is 20 and she is newly married, about to start college and wanted to be with her childhood sweetheart but not out of wedlock so she married him first. He is the only man she has ever been with. She wants to wait for children until she gets her education complete. Her husband supports her in that decision. 

My youngest daughter is 18. She is due very soon. She moved a few thousand miles away when she was 16 to live with her father because she wanted to see what it would be like up North and try to get her career going. While there, with her dad she became addicted to drugs. Many troubles ensued and dad eventually sent her home to me to deal with. 

More later.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

No flaming from these quarters, Megan. 

Being a cheater myself, I've caught a lot of flack on TAM myself at times, and still do on occasion. There are some very hurt and (understandably) bitter peeps here who sometimes use the anonymity afforded here to lash out at every cheater who posts. Some is justified, some not so much. 

I have a pretty thick skin (you appear to, as well), the flaming has settled down and I have made some wonderful, supportive friends here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Change is possible. 
It happens.
As a matter of fact it happens regardless you are aware of it or not. You have a voice in how it will happen. 
Change is an ongoing task.

I'm glad you are here.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Hey Meg,

I found your story extremely enlightening. Please stick around. I am sure you can be a valuable resource to those looking for answeres.

Having 2 little girls myself, I cannot imagine the horror you were put through at such an early age. 

Thank you for sharing your journey with us.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> You have not kept your children out of it, the cycle is continuing with them. Young and pregnant. Now you say one is married and graduated - graduated college?? and the other is engaged with a baby on the way, how old is she? has she graduated?



I tend to agree with this, children are affected. For the sake of society children need stable homes which is rather difficult because of all the infidelity and flak we have in our environment from drugs, to porn, alcohol and infidelity being at our fingertips. The research alone on the affect children have with a broken home is incredible, from cortisol in children affecting their development to behavioral and communication problems.

The father figure is so important to both boys and girls development into healthy mannered individuals, on how men should treat women and other men etc. Lower depression and aggression, etc. Without the mother children end up emotionally senseless to others and even inability to communicate feelings, expressions etc. 



Manure rolls downwards and we are all paying for the sins of our parents. It is up to each of us to break that chain and bring about real change and real love of ourselves, spouses and our children for the love of posterity.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Manure rolls downwards and we are all paying for the sins of our parents. It is up to each of us to break that chain and bring about real change and real love of ourselves, spouses and our children for the love of posterity.


Agreed. My father was a serial cheater. 

Only now, after some gut-wrenching IC sessions, I see that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Although I detested him and what he did when I was young (swore I would never grow up to be like "him") - I have truly become "my father's son". 

Although it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks, it's not impossible, and I'm working on it every day.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I may have screwed up my relationship but I kept my children out of it.
> 
> Keep lying to yourself if that helps you sleep well at night. You are using TAM to feel better about yourself(nothing wrong with it if you are not lying). Maybe if you can convince all these anonymous people of all the hardships and how all these affair were learning experiences that made you a better person you are today,go ahead and help yourself.. But I think you are still lying. Lying to the extent that you believe it is the truth.


Pray tell, why couldn't it be the truth?

People are flawed, ALL people and the younger they are the easier it is to screw up a life.

This board suffers from a serious case of "Group Think", considering who is here and why it's understandable but still not right.

If (as many betrayed here like to think) everyone who cheats is bad and once a cheater always a cheater then the vast MAJORITY of humanity is bad and will always be unfaithful.

Why do you believe Meg is lying to herself?

Of course her story was a learning experience.
How could it not be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Okay, I have a few minutes but not that many to give a few more details, try to answer a few questions and perhaps explain a few more things. 

Yes, I grew up in the ghetto. I was very poor and by the time I was 23 had lived in 21 different locations around the same town. That being said, that does not mean that I wasn't smart. There is a difference between "book" smart and "street" smart. I happen to have a little of both. My family being more of the "street" smart and I more of the "book" smart. I still traverse to the ghetto from time to time now to visit my family and am I afraid.. absolutely not. I am used to it. I don't fit in. As a matter of fact I stick out like a sore thumb with my business suit and high heels. 

The last IQ test I took was 128 but I have taken many that range from 126 to 138. I think I am really more on the lower side of that spectrum. 

My education of course consists of a GED obtained when I was 20. I did not marry my husband for money. He made around twenty five grand a year when I met him which is not a lot. He is a working class man that comes home greasy every day. After my GED I did attend 2 years of Tech College. I did that before I married him because I wanted to be independent. He convinced me to quit my job after we were married. 

I married him for stability but stability has more than one meaning. It does not simply mean monetary. It is the state of being stable. Which in turn means that I wanted a good father for my children, a good husband for me that I could depend on to come home nightly and not go out drinking or doing drugs or sleeping around like my first husband. I wanted a good man to help raise my children because I knew how important a father figure is considering the fact I grew up basically without a father. My H and I still struggle but make a bit more money now. We have went through periods of struggling to the point of not having food to eat and still we made it through. 

When I say we kept our children out of it, that means that I did not explain to them my relationship problems. I did not make my daughters my best friends, I did not argue with my H in front of them. I did not make it their business to know everything mom and dad were going through. I still did routine and kept up appearances. Could they sense that problems were going on behind closed doors? Yes I am sure they could. When we separated for six weeks, of course they knew problems were occurring. Did we talk bad about each other and involve our children with "OUR" problems, no. Did we tell our children how to behave around the other parent? No. We encouraged them to continue life as they knew it, that none of this was their fault and that we would work out our differences. 

I know I have made a ton of mistakes during all of this. But I have four children all of whom were raised the same way with the same rules and regulations. There is discipline in my home and my children do respect me and my husband. How is it that two of my children are doing fantastic and two are not when they were raised in the same home? 

I am in the middle of preparing dinner so I don't have time once again to answer all of the questions. I am trying to keep up with them.

To Warlock- You can believe what you want for you are entitled to your own opinion. I have been nothing but nice in this forum, have not let anything anger me because I knew what I was doing when I posted this. I am not out to win over everyone. I am simply telling my story. What may come of it who knows? I am not doing this to feel better about myself because honestly, no matter what you or anyone else says, I have peace about this for I know that I am not lying to myself or you guys. That is all that matters. 

I am not here to attack you or make you feel bad about yourself so I wonder why you are trying to make me feel bad about myself when all I am doing is telling my story. I am not seeking attention and actually can walk away from this site with out looking back and no harm done. I am more of an introvert in personality and love my alone time and burying my nose in a book. I am not an attention seeker and generally sit in a corner to "people" watch when out in public. 

I am also good with people however, I listen with an open heart and do not judge. I can socialize and don't steer away from people either. The two children that are like me and doing well have my personality. The two children that are getting into trouble have my ex H's personality. I do believe personality makes a difference. How they are raised makes a difference too.

You Warlock have asked me if I am lying to myself and not realizing it. No, I don't believe I am. Don't you think I have asked myself that same question? Don't you think I have been through everything everyone has said already? Do you really think I would get on here seeking sympathy and support for what I have done to encourage negative behavior? 

I think that someone has hurt you very deeply. I feel for you because I do know your pain. I don't know how you have been hurt because I have not heard your story and I am sorry that you have had to go through that and that it has made you the bitter person you are. Going through life with the cynical attitude that you have must be terrible. I am not saying this as an attack. I am saying this with sincerity and it doesn't matter if you believe me or not. I am not trying to win you over. Anger, hate and resentment will eat at you like a cancer. I truly hope you can find peace. 

As for the rest of you, thank you so much for your support. It does make a difference to know that so many people do realize that people can change. I used to be the non-cheater too. Then I became the cheater- now I am simply both. 

I am tired. Long day at work. I will try to sort through this and answer more questions in depth later. But to the one who asked why I didn't go more in depth. I thought I was being pretty open. My husband loves me with a love that goes beyond emotion and is deeper than this physical world. That is how he stayed with me. I didn't know that before. I wish I had.. I wish I had understood it. But had I not been what I was-would I therefor be who I am?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

meg444 said:


> Okay, I have a few minutes but not that many to give a few more details, try to answer a few questions and perhaps explain a few more things.
> 
> Yes, I grew up in the ghetto. I was very poor and by the time I was 23 had lived in 21 different locations around the same town. That being said, that does not mean that I wasn't smart. There is a difference between "book" smart and "street" smart. I happen to have a little of both. My family being more of the "street" smart and I more of the "book" smart. I still traverse to the ghetto from time to time now to visit my family and am I afraid.. absolutely not. I am used to it. I don't fit in. As a matter of fact I stick out like a sore thumb with my business suit and high heels.
> 
> ...


I love your story and thank you for telling it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hmmm.

interesting.

not sure what to think or ask. part of me likes you part of me hates you. is it possible to change? only time will tell.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

How much time is needed to tell? It has been almost five years and my h and I are stil going strong. We argue, we make love, we wrestle and laugh. We talk and talk and talk. I am good friends with a1's wife again. My h is good friends with a1 again. He came over the other day as a matter of fact. We take precautions so no trust issue is started again, such as I am never alone with him nor do I allow him to call me or things such as that. So I ask again..how much time is needed to show a person has changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It can take an instant or a lifetime to change in either direction.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

I know.. and the sad truth is that I treat this as an addiction so as not to sneak up on me again. It was an addiction of sorts. Not to the sex but to the emotional connection, to the feeling of being wanted. It was a sickness within me like a cancer brought on by abuse, low self esteem and so much more. 

I look at myself in the mirror on a daily basis and ask myself where do I see this person in five years? What are my goals? Each day I take steps to see those goals met. One day at a time. I don't feel that I will ever cheat again. But I am on my guard as a prevention measure. Just as an alcoholic cannot ever have another drink, I cannot ever let my emotional state take control over me again. 

I have to be in control of me. For no one else can. 

I would say the first step to recovery if you are a cheater is just like any other first step in making a change. You must first realize that you have a problem. That is the first step. Once that is realized, then you can move on to each additional step to making the changes within yourself necessary to live a complete life full of joy and happiness... and imperfection. Just as a chipped tooth adds character to a person.. so do imperfections in our personalities. My spontaneous laugh where I snort through my nose and choke on my drink... My H's attempt at a southern accent with the yall's and yonders coming from his Italian accent. LOL.. I never take anything for granted any longer.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Thank you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

meg444 said:


> How much time is needed to tell? It has been almost five years and my h and I are stil going strong. We argue, we make love, we wrestle and laugh. We talk and talk and talk. I am good friends with a1's wife again. My h is good friends with a1 again. He came over the other day as a matter of fact. We take precautions so no trust issue is started again, such as I am never alone with him nor do I allow him to call me or things such as that. So I ask again..how much time is needed to show a person has changed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, how humiliating for your Husband to have the filth that cheated with you around.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

If my h could forgive me, why not the filth I cheated with? It's not like we socialize with them daily but we have learned that maturity means more than simply saying I forgive you. Its being a true christian while maintaining boundaries to prevent future heartache. I am very surprised at how little some people know about true forgiveness. My h is a very humble man of god..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Shaggy,

Even satan is an angel. There are genuine good people in the world that can truly forgive and truly let go and trust again. Seeing that example in my husband as he changed from the man he used to be to the man he is now has changed many lives around us through the last five years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Meg, I'm getting the picture of your husband as a man who is a bit heart broken by your affairs. Bring cheated on takes a part of your soul, and I suspect your long cheating broke him emotionally.

I'm guessing he's not a very talkative man is he? You've said in other posts about how you didn't respect him and how you would ave preferred he stood up and called you out on your cheating.

That he is a quiet reserved man who keeps his pain and person sorrow buried and he is very soft spoken.

Forgiveness is one thing, but it does not require you to submit to humiliation or continued abuse by those who are not good people.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> Whenever people say "don't judge me"...it's usually for things they should be judged for. Rarely do people say "I paid my taxes in full, don't judge me" or "I am very good to my employees, please don't judge me."
> 
> I wish this thread well....


Haha I agree completely!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Shaggy, 

My H is not emotionally broken. Trust me. He has always been more of a laid back person that doesn't yell. Oh he will let me know if he doesn't like something I can promise you that. As far as abuse goes, I do not abuse my h. I tried many times to get him to end it with me and to just leave. I told him over and over that I didn't deserve him or our relationship but he stood by me. Him being around the other man is NO different than me being around my sister almost every day of our lives. I have had to forgive him for cheating with her and he did it first. 

He slept with her more than once and she lived with us for more than a year when she was homeless and let me tell you this.. her middle daughter that she pretty much gave away to strangers may very well be MY husbands child. So don't say he is abused by being around a man he forgave because I deal with the same "abuse" but when you truly forgive.. you don't consider it abuse. You relish the opportunity to grow as a person which is something in and of itself. My H fixed some of the OM property for him at no charge and without OM asking. He did it on his own. So I guess he is the one glutton for punishment as well as I for allowing my sister to come over here and us to go over there. Please don't speak of something that you really don't know anything about. I do not abuse people and I did not break him. I was very wrong in all that I did and have no excuses but it takes TWO to make a marriage and TWO to break a marriage despite what everyone says.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

meg444 said:


> --------------Snip for brevity--------------
> I was very wrong in all that I did and have no excuses but *it takes TWO to make a marriage and TWO to break a marriage* despite what everyone says.


Now, you're pushing it.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Meg444- Fair play to you for posting 

I use to be a serial cheater from my late teens up to the age of 30. I am now 42 and I have not cheated on any of my relationships between the age of 30 up till now.

I have absolutely NO desire to cheat and wont be doing so in the future because my priorities have changed.

Once a cheat always a cheat? Not in my case.Some cheaters do reform.

I have absolute faith in you


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

At your church are you not allowed to quit singing if you are not into it spiritually .This post is not meant judge you anyone but to inform anyone who is serving should quit if they are living a life of sin, whilst others are working hard to build others are busy destroying


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Thank you, 

Shaggy.. 

You got me BC(before coffee) lol. I apologize for allowing my feathers to be singed. My husband is actually the one who says it takes two to break a marriage. He said that two have to sign the papers to end it so therefor it takes two to give up on it and end it. I read him your post Shaggy.. All of this actually. I will tell you more on it later. I am at work. I am human too. That is the one thing that got to me. Implying that I had broken my H. Because he is the one person in the world that I would never want to hurt again.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

mupostori said:


> At your church are you not allowed to quit singing if you are not into it spiritually .This post is not meant judge you anyone but to inform anyone who is serving should quit if they are living a life of sin, whilst others are working hard to build others are busy destroying


Yes, you are required to quit if others know about your sin. My H and I live a life of privacy. No one knew. As for the first A1. I didn't start church until after him. It's a complicated tell to say the least. I was in church for most of my crimes.. but not the first one.

I continued to sing because I love to sing and I prayed constantly for god to help me change. I sang to him praying for change. I didn't quit because I didn't want to but after my true change, I have stepped down for a while to find myself and repair my relationships with god and H. I haven't went back yet. I will eventually.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

meg444 said:


> Thank you,
> 
> Shaggy..
> 
> You got me BC(before coffee) lol. I apologize for allowing my feathers to be singed. My husband is actually the one who says it takes two to break a marriage. He said that two have to sign the papers to end it so therefor it takes two to give up on it and end it. I read him your post Shaggy.. All of this actually. I will tell you more on it later. I am at work. I am human too. That is the one thing that got to me. Implying that I had broken my H. Because *he is the one person in the world that I would never want to hurt again.*


Go ahead, reword the sentence! 

Would you want to hurt others?


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Can you carry on with your life story? It was interesting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> Go ahead, reword the sentence!
> 
> Would you want to hurt others?



not at all. hurting people has never been my goal. I don't need to reword it. Because I say it one way was doesn't mean I would hurt other people. Your playing on word games now and using Semantics. I am not an evil person. I only meant I would never hurt him again.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

ubercoolpanda said:


> Can you carry on with your life story? It was interesting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't while I am at work. What would you like to know that I can expand on later in the evening?


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

meg444 said:


> not at all. hurting people has never been my goal. I don't need to reword it. Because I say it one way was doesn't mean I would hurt other people. Your playing on word games now and using Semantics. I am not an evil person. I only meant I would never hurt him again.


Humor, humor, humor.

That's what the winkie smilie is about.

Sorry. I did not mean to ruffle you.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> Humor, humor, humor.
> 
> That's what the winkie smilie is about.
> 
> Sorry. I did not mean to ruffle you.


You didn't ruffle me with that statement. It takes a good bit to do that but the one indicating that I had "broken" my husband's spirit did. I feel awful enough about what I have done. I don't want to even imagine that I "broke" him entirely and that he is still with me because he is "broken".


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I applaud your transformation but caution you about how you're using your faith. You also have to understand that believing in God and being Christian means nothing if you don't know yourself.

I consider myself a man of God, yet I would rip someones head off (literally) without thinking if they treated my daughters the way you were treated as a child. I know myself enough to understand that I would commit the ultimate sin in the wrong set of circumstances.

I do applaud your faith. But I cringe when I hear it used as a reason why wrong behaviour was corrected. (Yes my priest would not approve of the message I just wrote).


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I do applaud your faith. But I cringe *when I hear it used as a reason why wrong behaviour was corrected. *(Yes my priest would not approve of the message I just wrote).


My Christianity was not the reason why I stopped doing what I was doing although it helped me to stop. If it was the reason why I stopped, why then did I do it in the first place after becoming a christian? God helped me and yes, I prayed for his help and there is nothing wrong with that.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

I want to apologize if my comments seem brusque. They are not meant to be. I am at work and have to be quick in between clients, phone calls and a mountain of paperwork. I really should be focused on what I am doing here and usually I am.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

meg444 said:


> I want to apologize if my comments seem brusque. They are not meant to be. I am at work and have to be quick in between clients, phone calls and a mountain of paperwork. I really should be focused on what I am doing here and usually I am.


Get to work!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

meg444 said:


> How much time is needed to tell? It has been almost five years and my h and I are stil going strong. We argue, we make love, we wrestle and laugh. We talk and talk and talk. I am good friends with a1's wife again. My h is good friends with a1 again. He came over the other day as a matter of fact. We take precautions so no trust issue is started again, such as I am never alone with him nor do I allow him to call me or things such as that. So I ask again..how much time is needed to show a person has changed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thats a good question I would say its person spacific.and some could never believe you changed. lucky for you your husband wasn't one of them.

I am glad you got you marriage on the right path so to speak but I doubt very many people could manage it the way you guys did.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

meg444 said:


> You didn't ruffle me with that statement. It takes a good bit to do that but the one indicating that I had "broken" my husband's spirit did. I feel awful enough about what I have done. I don't want to even imagine that I "broke" him entirely and that he is still with me because he is "broken".


time will aslo tell you this. men have a thing where we keep all the hurt to ourselves most of the time in these type of situations.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I wanted to know about your other affair partners, if there were more. And how they ended, and what stopped you from cheating again. Also if any of the OM got in touch. 

Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

meg444 said:


> You didn't ruffle me with that statement. It takes a good bit to do that but the one indicating that I had "broken" my husband's spirit did. I feel awful enough about what I have done. I don't want to even imagine that I "broke" him entirely and that he is still with me because he is "broken".


Trying to save a marriage if your partner cheated once for the sake of kids is admirable, though unnecessary IMO. But it certainly takes someone "special" to want to make it work with a serial cheater. Nevertheless, I wish you and your husband a good future.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

There are a ton of abbreviations on here that I simply do not get. Some of them I can figure out, others are a bit confusing. I usually do not do abbreviations for fear of it becoming habit. What does IMO stand for?


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

IMO = In My Opinion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

ubercoolpanda said:


> IMO = In My Opinion
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ah, thank you.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

meg444 said:


> I usually do not do abbreviations for fear of it becoming habit.


I didn't used to do it, meg, but it's acceptable on the interweb. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

When I made my first post the people I had in mind were the people you were cheating with .Worshipers are the face of the church, what are other people going think about the church if it's face is represented by sinners , by continuing to serve whilst in sin you bring disrepute(by the people who know your sin) to the body of Christ .This is the reason you should quit serving but don't quit church ,after all Christ came for sinners 

I know you have learn't your lesson ,I just had to clarify


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I hope your time here and in life after the affair will help steer you towards a fruitful marriage and an endearing life.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If church and religion were intended for only the holy half the priesthood would have to resign and services could be held in one or two booths at Dennys.

The lines at our two confessionals rarly consist of fewer than three or four people after Ash Wednesday. Meg says she has changed her life, has remorse for her past and accepts responsibility for her transgressions.

I say that's far better than the person she was. And I for one applaud her loudly.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

mupostori said:


> When I made my first post the people I had in mind were the people you were cheating with .Worshipers are the face of the church, what are other people going think about the church if it's face is represented by sinners , by continuing to serve whilst in sin you bring disrepute(by the people who know your sin) to the body of Christ .This is the reason you should quit serving but don't quit church ,after all Christ came for sinners
> 
> I know you have learn't your lesson ,I just had to clarify


A true christian loves all not because of who they are or what they have done.. but in spite of who they are and what they have done. You should NEVER stop serving the lord or asking forgiveness. No One is Perfect except the ONE true God. Are we really going to discuss religion and god now? Seriously? Because that is an entirely different conversation. Do you really think all of these people on here who have been hurt are perfect and sinless because they haven't cheated? 

There are a million different sins. Adultery is simply one of them. People who overeat are sinning. It's called Gluttony. And Gluttony is not just defined by eating. Wrath or "orge" is a sin and is mentioned 36 times in the New Testament.. so the angry flamers that target the adulterers are sinning even if they feel they are righteous. For thou shall not judge, that is not our duty. Shall I go on? Yes, I have learned my lesson in what I have done. But I will NEVER stop serving. Grace or "charis" mentioned 156 times in the new testament which means favor undeserved is why we are saved. If god only saved those who deserve it, we would all be doomed. And no, I am not ruffled or angry. I am as the phrase goes..

Just sayin


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

I think what you meant to say is.. You should step down from any position of authority. Which is a different matter entirely.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

meg444 said:


> A true christian loves all not because of who they are or what they have done.. but in spite of who they are and what they have done. You should NEVER stop serving the lord or asking forgiveness. No One is Perfect except the ONE true God. Are we really going to discuss religion and god now? Seriously? Because that is an entirely different conversation. Do you really think all of these people on here who have been hurt are perfect and sinless because they haven't cheated?
> 
> There are a million different sins. Adultery is simply one of them. People who overeat are sinning. It's called Gluttony. And Gluttony is not just defined by eating. Wrath or "orge" is a sin and is mentioned 36 times in the New Testament.. so the angry flamers that target the adulterers are sinning even if they feel they are righteous. For thou shall not judge, that is not our duty. Shall I go on? Yes, I have learned my lesson in what I have done. But I will NEVER stop serving. Grace or "charis" mentioned 156 times in the new testament which means favor undeserved is why we are saved. If god only saved those who deserve it, we would all be doomed. And no, I am not ruffled or angry. I am as the phrase goes..
> 
> Just sayin


I liked you better when you were ruffled.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

So anyway, moving on a bit. It has been another long day at work. In answer to a question earlier today. The OM and how they ended. Well, the first one I ended it because my H and I were talking more and he was making a true effort to the marriage. Of course, when I told him of the affair we almost divorced. Then someone very close to him passed away and he asked me not to leave at that time. When all was said and done, funerals and such, we were both in church and wanting to work it out at that point. The second one I ended as well, long after my H had moved out and then moved back in. My H started a process of wooing me back to him and I thank god he did. It took some time but I eventually came out of my craziness and boy did I break down. My H and I started a path of healing and once again the circle started again. The Third time ended because of his hubris. His other half discovered a few things. 

Yes, they have all tried to start things with me again since then. Yes, they try to contact me. I have received texts and emails. I have deleted all of my secret emails and accounts but my telephone number has been the same for many years. Recently I changed it for this reason alone. There were many men in between the 3 affairs that were FWB. There were ugly details that I will not put on here. I can state things on here without going into detail. 

God knows and I know and that is shameful enough. I wouldn't even tell my husband the nitty gritty details of what I did. Not that I wouldn't even he actually demanded to know, but he doesn't really want to know and I prefer it that way as well. It's better to not put those images in anyone's mind.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> i liked you better when you were ruffled.


lol :d


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

meg444 said:


> God knows and I know and that is shameful enough. I wouldn't even tell my husband the nitty gritty details of what I did. Not that I wouldn't even he actually demanded to know, but he doesn't really want to know and I prefer it that way as well. It's better to not put those images in anyone's mind.


Don't kdi yourself - they are there. Whether they are accurate or not, they are still there.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

meg444 said:


> I usually do not do abbreviations for fear of it becoming habit.


I know how that can be. I accidentally called my husband "DH" last week. 

He just rolled his eyes. :rofl:


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

committedwife said:


> I know how that can be. I accidentally called my husband "DH" last week.
> 
> He just rolled his eyes. :rofl:


OMG you made me ROTFL:rofl::rofl:


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

mupostori said:


> When I made my first post the people I had in mind were the people you were cheating with .Worshipers are the face of the church, what are other people going think about the church if it's face is represented by sinners , by continuing to serve whilst in sin you bring disrepute(by the people who know your sin) to the body of Christ .This is the reason you should quit serving but don't quit church ,after all Christ came for sinners
> 
> Glad someone here can clarify who is qualified to serve God.
> 
> ...


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Don't kdi yourself - they are there. Whether they are accurate or not, they are still there.



Yes, I know he has envisioned his own version. But I really don't think his imagination is as great as what really occurred. So I leave it be.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Stonewall said:


> Ok I'll bite. So tell me, I know this man who loves his wife dearly. All he ever did was try to keep her happy. He is a great father that takes care of her in every way. He cleans house as well as all the other household chores. He is a great guy in many ways. He has always taken care of the family and in laws. He is not combative infact he avoids confrontation. He is very level headed and has a nack for defusing volatile situations. He has above average intelligence.
> 
> The wife is a good woman who is honest to a fault and loves him to death. She will take care of others before herself and is generally a very giving person. She however has a very firey personality. Always ready to fight. At about 8 years into the marriage when the children reached 5 and 2 years old respectively she began to act cold and distant to the man. She began to go out partying with her girlfriend and staying out very late.
> 
> ...


She sounds very similar to me. I am a fireball too but I work on keeping myself under control. I cannot be driven to do what I do not want to anymore.

My opinion of this is that she grew bored with her H, she probably never had much of a life before him. No time to party, no single years to "sew her wild oats". She wanted to feel alive again. Perhaps she felt dead inside as I did. My H cooks and cleans now too, he is a wonderful man. He avoids confrontation. He forgave me for my craziness. I know it sounds cliche to say it was a midlife crisis but it is a truth. A woman's libido goes into overdrive usually after 30. Mine hit a few years before as everything does with me. Early with everything. So in essence part of the why's of what I did was an extremely high libido, a lack of experiencing new things, a feeling of being suppressed and controlled even if unintentional by the spouse. A feeling of being broken spiritually and emotionally. I know this is going to sound bad, but have you ever watched the movie "Twilight". The teenage vampire saga. 

In that movie, Bella had lost her one true love so she was broken. She was a good girl but felt dead inside without him. She discovered one day that when she did reckless things, it made her hallucinate and see images of Edward, because he had always cautioned her about being reckless. 

Infidelity is similar to this analogy. It is basically doing something reckless to awaken our minds, our bodies, our spirits to the feeling of being alive again after so long of being good and doing right. It felt good to be bad and yet.. we knew it was wrong but could find no other way to achieve the same feeling of euphoria. It doesn't excuse it and it's a lousy excuse at that.. but it is what it is. I will write more on that later.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Dunno. 

Why would I do virtually the same thing to my wife of 20 years?

But she didn't wait around patiently...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

meg444 said:


> She sounds very similar to me. I am a fireball too but I work on keeping myself under control. I cannot be driven to do what I do not want to anymore.
> 
> My opinion of this is that she grew bored with her H, she probably never had much of a life before him. No time to party, no single years to "sew her wild oats". She wanted to feel alive again. Perhaps she felt dead inside as I did. My H cooks and cleans now too, he is a wonderful man. He avoids confrontation. He forgave me for my craziness. I know it sounds cliche to say it was a midlife crisis but it is a truth. A woman's libido goes into overdrive usually after 30. Mine hit a few years before as everything does with me. Early with everything. So in essence part of the why's of what I did was an extremely high libido, a lack of experiencing new things, a feeling of being suppressed and controlled even if unintentional by the spouse. A feeling of being broken spiritually and emotionally. I know this is going to sound bad, but have you ever watched the movie "Twilight". The teenage vampire saga.
> 
> ...


Yes please, do elaborate on this. This description may fit my wife pretty good. I still wonder IF and WHEN this behaviour will resurface.

And then again... wouldn't the description fit me as well, especially since after her affair, and yet, I haven't cheated on her. There must be more to it than this?


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> OMG you made me ROTFL:rofl::rofl:


I really did. :::snort:::
He puts up with me


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Yes please, do elaborate on this. This description may fit my wife pretty good. I still wonder IF and WHEN this behaviour will resurface.
> 
> And then again... wouldn't the description fit me as well, especially since after her affair, and yet, I haven't cheated on her. There must be more to it than this?


Mebbe you don't have the sex drive she has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Usually, on the weekdays I do not have the time I would like to devote to "me" time. Such as sitting on the computer reading forums and giving/getting advice. 

There were a few things that I promised to touch base on again but for the life of me I cannot remember what those things were. My brain is a puddle of mush at the moment from a very long day at work. I had taken a leave for a while to handle some things with my children. This is my first week back and the work load is unbelievable. Getting used to the work schedule again as well as handling counseling appointments with my son, appointments with his probation officer, scheduling his community service for times and areas where I can drive him before and after my own job, did I mention that I home school as well? The most important thing in life are your family. Your spouse and your children. I read a post earlier that made a statement that in ten years from now, no one will even know who you are at your job if you left today.. Or something like that.

Well I know that in ten years the people at my job would know because they are friends. Am I replaceable? Absolutely. Do I love and need my job. Of course. My children are most important however. So juggling the things I have.. I am surprised I have managed to pop in here as much as I have. 

So, finishing my education story. I took two years of technical college for Computer Programming. After that, I took two additional years of online college before it was extremely popular the way it is now. I have taken many other "classes" as well for one can never stop learning. I am not the brightest star in the sky, nor am I the dimmest. Being a teen mother does not necessarily mean that your life is ruined. 

I had dreams of joining the services and then perhaps becoming a doctor or a lawyer. I was working on scholarships before I became pregnant at 15. I actually had them in the bag. I realize now that I could not have been a doctor for I have a very bad aversion to open wounds. 

Becoming pregnant at 15 was quite an accident but how can I regret the most beautiful girl alive. If I could change anything about my life I would not change having my children when I did. Everything happens for a reason. I was bedridden with my pregnancy due to a complication that was hereditary. My mother had it when she was pregnant with me and we both died for around 3 minutes. I was almost 8 weeks early and taken very quickly by an emergency C-Section that they did not even have time to put her to sleep or give the epi. 

I did not want to go through that or risk my child. So I had no choice but to drop out of high school. I moved out of the apartment with my mom because she allowed my brother to come back home (after I had told her what he had done). She asked me if I expected her to choose between her two children. I moved out.

In moving out, I had no one but my ex husband to rely on. He was a drug dealer and during the time I was married to him I had been shot at, left alone in the middle of the night on the side of the road 8 months pregnant, cheated on, hit, locked in the house with a deadbolt-I climbed out of the window btw. 

My life has been a roller coaster to say the least but through everything that I have been through I have emerged the woman I am today. I have made so many mistakes. I am struggling with a decision to go public with my story. My H is encouraging it now because we have been talking for years about my public speaking and evangelizing. It is something I am praying about. I am also thinking of writing a book but not sure that my story is even something that anyone would want to read in a novel.

I know that so many people have been through so much more and mine is not a special story. Yet, my H keeps telling me I need to tell it because it may just help someone someday. If it only helps ONE person get through a nightmare, then it would have been worth the telling. Cheaters can change. Alcoholics and drug abusers change. Not without much hard work, but it can happen.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

If you asked a question and I did not answer it, could you please re-ask me and I will answer them as best as I can tomorrow. I missed church tonight and my daily run because I have been so busy.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: I was the cheater.. many times.*



meg444 said:


> If you asked a question and I did not answer it, could you please re-ask me and I will answer them as best as I can tomorrow. I missed church tonight and my daily run because I have been so busy.


How do you know that you're a safe person to be with?
And how does your H know? If he doesn't know, how does he cope with the uncertainty?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

meg444 said:


> Yes, I know he has envisioned his own version. But I really don't think his imagination is as great as what really occurred. So I leave it be.


Unfortunately, I am not surprised by that answer. Your pride in this comes through even among what otherwise appear to be remorseful posts. I hope that does not come out to your husband. He does not realize he recieved the benefit of your education, or have you not shared that with him either.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Must you go there? There is a difference between pride and shame and obviously you are not educated enough to know the difference between the two. I do not tell him what occurred behind those closed doors because his imagination is not as graphic or as horrible as what really occurred. It was not simply straight sex. I am not sure if you are familiar with L and M or bondage among other things but I assure you it is not pride. The benefit of my education? Explain yourself so I don't make an ... of myself by assuming. I am only here to matter of factly tell my story, not tell it as I sob and beg the world for forgiveness. I don't owe the world an apology. I owed god and my h to which I have a million times. Guess what, ruffled again. Pride is one thing I have never had enough of and for you to say I was prideful of the gross things I allowed be done to me on occasion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

meg444 said:


> Must you go there? There is a difference between pride and shame and obviously you are not educated enough to know the difference between the two. I do not tell him what occurred behind those closed doors because his imagination is not as graphic or as horrible as what really occurred. It was not simply straight sex. I am not sure if you are familiar with L and M or bondage among other things but I assure you it is not pride. The benefit of my education? Explain yourself so I don't make an a55 of myself by assuming. I am only here to matter of factly tell my story, not tell it as I sob and beg the world for forgiveness. I don't owe the world an apology. I owed god and my h to which I have a million times. Guess what, ruffled again. Pride is one thing I have never had enough of and for you to say I was prideful of the gross things I allowed be done to me on occasion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What's L and M? Did you mean S & M as in BDSM?


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> What's L and M? Did you mean S & M as in BDSM?


Yes, s and m. Typiing from my phone..inverted the letters. Was upset an typing fast. Didn't realize my mistake. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

I am still shaking and angry. I have not quite gotten over some of the things done to me from that period in my life and even I cannot tell you why I allowed it. We can suffice it to say I knew the person but I didn't know THAT about them and I had absolutely no control over any of it. I revealed more in that one statement than I ever intended to reveal to anyone other than God. I haven't even sought counseling for any thing. I have dealt with it on my own. Why would I put those images in his head? I would rather him not want to seek out this person and kill them because I do want my H to be around and not in prison and I did consent by going there and it wasn't until after we had been together a few times that this started happening. So NO, I will never give my H those images. Ever! It's bad enough that he knows about the normal sex. Sheesh, isn't that enough? And he knows because I told him. 

I was going to post a few things in answer to the WHY question but I am going to simply say this. I don't have all of the answers. I have the WHY's of why I did it. I have MY reasons. I don't understand all of humanity. I wish I did have a book that would drop out of the sky that would tell us WHY people hurt one another, why people cheat, why we do anything that we do. It's all on an individual basis. 

To the next question, how do I know I am safe to be with? Well, I don't. Neither does he. No one really can really know that the person they are with is "safe" to be with. You can't say that you know anyone with 100 percent accuracy. The dynamics of the human mind and heart go way beyond human comprehension. You can know what a person likes to eat or drink, how they like their bath water and what turns them on. You can know their habits and eccentricities but you can never read their mind, feel what is in their heart and say with 100 percent that the person you are with is completely trustworthy in ALL situations. You can say that you can but the minute something changes, you start doubting. Why do you think people get the VAR's and the private detectives. As for how my husband lives with the uncertainty.. We both live with it. But.. when you forgive someone even if you NEVER trust them again you do not make their life a living hell. If my husband wants to see my phone or my laptop or my email.. fine.. just ask and I will open it in front of you but DO NOT disrespect me and dig through my purse, read my diary and sneak behind my back. That is no way to live. I have never done that to him. It is immature IMO ( oh look, I used an abbreviation that I just learned)

Anyway, the point is. We have no guarantee but we choose to trust because without trust there is no relationship. I can't stop him from cheating if he wanted to and neither could he stop me if I wanted to. I have no desire to cheat anymore. If that desire ever came back I would tell him, we would figure out why it came back and what we could do to change it. 

Last year, I found out my H was saving over 200 bucks a week without telling me and that he was spending 40 dollars a week on a pill for your libido but we weren't having sex more than once a month during that time. Of course I thought about maybe he was cheating. I never once confronted him. His behavior was odd, he was coming home late some days from work and being very moody. He never wanted me to go to the doctor with him. I didn't let it eat me alive. I knew if he was cheating that eventually the truth would come out. I chose to trust him. Turns out the pill he was taking was because he felt insecure about his performance with me, the money that he was saving was for a surprise vacation for us. The working late was to have extra money to save.the moodiness was from working too much and feeling like he couldn't please me. He had a Vitamin D deficiency as well and just didn't feel like himself. Now, had I gotten angry and thought of him sleeping with my sister I would have accused him of cheating and caused a big to do for nothing. 

I didn't. I waited and eventually he came to me and told me everything and we talked and talked and talked. I don't have all of the answers. I wish I did. I only have my experiences to go on. Even though people vent and post in here, the truth is many people do not learn from taking others advice. We only learn through our own mistakes. I love my husband. I am not "in love" with him because I believe being in love is something that is equated with New love that fades fairly fast. I love my H with a deeper bond that goes beyond a few butterflies in the stomach. I would lay down my life for him because I am selfish, I wouldn't want to face life without him. I know I could if I had to because I am strong willed, but I wouldn't WANT to. 

I value his opinion, I look forward to laying my head on his chest when he gets home. I dance in the kitchen with him while he grins and I sing off key. I hold his hand at the dentist because he is a big baby. I rub his feet and he runs my bath. If I am upset, I don't want to talk to anyone but him. If he is upset, he just wants to sit quietly with me until he is ready to talk. I can't imagine my life without him and he can't imagine his life without me. 

He doesn't even want to talk about my death. I was talking of my life insurance policy and he said.. yeh it's good to have but let's talk about something else. I don't want to talk about not having you around. I don't see a day of my life without him in it. He doesn't see a day of his without me. So now ask me, how do we deal with the uncertainty. Because we bask in all the riches we have in each other and don't worry about the uncertainty. We live each day as if it is our last.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

meg444 said:


> Must you go there? There is a difference between pride and shame and obviously you are not educated enough to know the difference between the two. I do not tell him what occurred behind those closed doors because his imagination is not as graphic or as horrible as what really occurred. It was not simply straight sex. I am not sure if you are familiar with L and M or bondage among other things but I assure you it is not pride. The benefit of my education? Explain yourself so I don't make an ... of myself by assuming. I am only here to matter of factly tell my story, not tell it as I sob and beg the world for forgiveness. I don't owe the world an apology. I owed god and my h to which I have a million times. Guess what, ruffled again. Pride is one thing I have never had enough of and for you to say I was prideful of the gross things I allowed be done to me on occasion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know the difference. I don't doubt there is shame. But I detect pride in your posts about your sexual awakening, even if it is mixed with shame. If not, my apologies.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

meg444 said:


> I am still shaking and angry. I have not quite gotten over some of the things done to me from that period in my life and even I cannot tell you why I allowed it. We can suffice it to say I knew the person but I didn't know THAT about them and I had absolutely no control over any of it. I revealed more in that one statement than I ever intended to reveal to anyone other than God. I haven't even sought counseling for any thing. I have dealt with it on my own. Why would I put those images in his head? I would rather him not want to seek out this person and kill them because I do want my H to be around and not in prison and I did consent by going there and it wasn't until after we had been together a few times that this started happening. So NO, I will never give my H those images. Ever! It's bad enough that he knows about the normal sex. Sheesh, isn't that enough? And he knows because I told him.
> 
> I was going to post a few things in answer to the WHY question but I am going to simply say this. I don't have all of the answers. I have the WHY's of why I did it. I have MY reasons. I don't understand all of humanity. I wish I did have a book that would drop out of the sky that would tell us WHY people hurt one another, why people cheat, why we do anything that we do. It's all on an individual basis.
> 
> ...


As I said. Perhaps there is no answer to the why question as you answered exactly as she did. She didn't know!


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I know the difference. I don't doubt there is shame. But I detect pride in your posts about your sexual awakening, even if it is mixed with shame. If not, my apologies.


I don't think I ever mentioned anything about my "sexual" awakening. I enjoyed sex LONG before I cheated and if you haven't read.. in most of the Affairs I did not enjoy the sex. The only one I really enjoyed if you must know is the last one. A3. Not any of the FWB in between. I always left asking myself why I did it when I get nothing from it except shame. Why did I do this yet again I ask? I always left disappointed. Reading something via text whether online or through a phone not does have the inflection of a human voice.. so you say you are reading pride in my words. From the way I post them? But if you heard my voice and the way I spoke them.. you would not say that. And I am not saying anything with Pride, only stating a fact. But you are entitled to your opinion. For that is what it is, an opinion and not a fact. You really do not know me at all. 

BTW, my boss tells me I am too Naive sometimes and that I am too nice. She is like a lioness over me. My best friend, she is the same way and has been since we were children and she beat up a guy messing with me (that is how we met). Why do people feel the need to protect me if I am such a prideful cougar. Rhetorical question by the way. I can protect myself just so you know, but everyone seems to want to step in front of me. It can be annoying but I love them for it. They cannot protect me forever. They laugh at me when I get angry. I am so soft spoken and no one takes that serious. I get angry over that alone. My MMA instructor makes me angry on purpose so that I will hit him harder, kick harder and turn red and then he laughs at me. I know why.. but it is so annoying! Even My H loves making me angry when we wrestle and he laughs and laughs. I hate it at the time it happens, LOL.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Stonewall said:


> As I said. Perhaps there is no answer to the why question as you answered exactly as she did. She didn't know!


No, I know the "why's" of my situation. Just not yours. I had stopped caring about my H and I didn't care if I hurt him at the time. I was selfish and only thinking about me and feeling alive again. I cheated like one post said,.. simply because I could and I wanted to and realized I didn't want what I thought I wanted. All the cliche reasons. I felt dead, alone, unloved and controlled. I wanted to find me, I wanted to know my limits and what I was capable of. Curiosity killed the cat right? I needed to feel alive. But those answers are still never enough. It still doesn't satisfy the need to know Why.. I could say a million reasons why and it would not be enough. It would never be enough to help you heal. The why is not as important as you think. It's just a focal point to fixate on. A question to ask in an endless circle that can never be satisfied.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

meg444 said:


> I don't think I ever mentioned anything about my "sexual" awakening. I enjoyed sex LONG before I cheated and if you haven't read.. in most of the Affairs I did not enjoy the sex. The only one I really enjoyed if you must know is the last one. A3. Not any of the FWB in between. I always left asking myself why I did it when I get nothing from it except shame. Why did I do this yet again I ask? I always left disappointed. Reading something via text whether online or through a phone not does have the inflection of a human voice.. so you say you are reading pride in my words. From the way I post them? But if you heard my voice and the way I spoke them.. you would not say that. And I am not saying anything with Pride, only stating a fact. But you are entitled to your opinion. For that is what it is, an opinion and not a fact. You really do not know me at all.
> 
> BTW, my boss tells me I am too Naive sometimes and that I am too nice. She is like a lioness over me. My best friend, she is the same way and has been since we were children and she beat up a guy messing with me (that is how we met). Why do people feel the need to protect me if I am such a prideful cougar. Rhetorical question by the way. I can protect myself just so you know, but everyone seems to want to step in front of me. It can be annoying but I love them for it. They cannot protect me forever. They laugh at me when I get angry. I am so soft spoken and no one takes that serious. I get angry over that alone. My MMA instructor makes me angry on purpose so that I will hit him harder, kick harder and turn red and then he laughs at me. I know why.. but it is so annoying! Even My H loves making me angry when we wrestle and he laughs and laughs. I hate it at the time it happens, LOL.


No, I don't know you or hear your words. I just know that the words you chose say something. Your words discussing the sex and how many married woman unleash themselves could be read as just such an awakening in yourself. Your toying with your partners, you realization of the power of sex. Moreover, just because you are not a prideful person does not mean you cannot have pride in some areas of your life.

Again, my apologies for reading more into your words then were there. I will leave you to continue your story.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Yes, we could debate this forever. What I experienced was not so much an awakening of desires but more of the reality of an entirely new world. People that I didn't understand, mind games I had never played. I have no pride in it now..back then I did. When I explain it in here, I state it matter of fact with no emotion. No pride no remorse. Just a fact. I feel remorse, I feel no pride in what I was. I was back then mind you full of pride but also full of fear. I hate my stretch marks, I am insecure about certain aspects of my body..so back then for all of those men to find me sexy..yes..I had pride in that. Not anymore. Because I realized that I was just a dirty sex object for them. I realized that those type of men didn't view me as the woman I am, but only how I could please them. I was no longer the marrying type..I was the sex slave. I say that without pride..I say that with disgust. That woman is forever a part of me that I will always have to live with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

And no, I am not a prideful person. That was a new experience for me. I prefer me the way I am now. Not innocent enough to be hurt anymore but humbled enough to see my wrongs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

meg444 said:


> And no, I am not a prideful person. That was a new experience for me.* I prefer me the way I am now. Not innocent enough to be hurt anymore but humbled enough to see my wrongs.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes! I like this comment.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

meg444 said:


> I don't think I ever mentioned anything about my "sexual" awakening. I enjoyed sex LONG before I cheated and if you haven't read.. in most of the Affairs I did not enjoy the sex. The only one I really enjoyed if you must know is the last one. A3. Not any of the FWB in between. I always left asking myself why I did it when I get nothing from it except shame. Why did I do this yet again I ask? I always left disappointed.


Don't you realize you have been reenacting all the abuse you got as a child? That's why you don't "understand" why you allowed certain things were done to you. I understand you never though of getting IC about this. I think you'd benefit from it thou. Of course it will open a huge can of worms. Who would want to open it?
This a huge pieze of the puzzle, of your "whys", you are not aware at all. While diogging your whys you are trying to rationalize by taking full reponsability unwaware of some unconscious driving forces. With your past it's very common acting out.
Becasue in a certain sense you are still tied to your abusers while trying to regain control in that poor way.
I'm atheist but I truly believe it's a miracle you reached the place you are today on your own.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Don't you realize you have been reenacting all the abuse you got as a child? That's why you don't "understand" why you allowed certain things were done to you. I understand you never though of getting IC about this. I think you'd benefit from it thou. Of course it will open a huge can of worms. Who would want to open it?
> This a huge pieze of the puzzle, of your "whys", you are not aware at all. While diogging your whys you are trying to rationalize by taking full reponsability unwaware of some unconscious driving forces. With your past it's very common acting out.
> Becasue in a certain sense you are still tied to your abusers while trying to regain control in that poor way.
> I'm atheist but I truly believe it's a miracle you reached the place you are today on your own.


To be honest, I have never really thought about it that way. Or if I had I denied that part to myself. It's not easy to think about the things that happened to me as a child and a teen, to think that I may have re-enacted some of those things because of that is truly a terrifying thought. The fear that I went through during some of it was worse than anything I felt as a child. As a child, it was normal for me and I wasn't afraid and I had a place in my mind that I "disappeared" into. 

Maybe when I am done with my son's therapy I will consider IC if I feel that I need it or just to help me understand my actions of the past. Yes, it will open a can but I am not afraid to face it. I know you said you are Atheist and I am not one to push my beliefs on anyone.. but my prayers have gotten me through. I don't for one minute think I got through this on my own. I know that god has brought me through. There will be more challenges for me in life, I am sure of it. I feel better equipped to handle them now because of my past. Some days however, I don't feel 36. I feel 96. Other days.. I feel 16 again..


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Is there a reason you never tried counseling? I know some people have had bad experiences with it or just don't feel comfortable with the concept. Is it just something you've never been interested in or didn't think it could help?

Ahh you just kind of answered the question.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Is there a reason you never tried counseling? I know some people have had bad experiences with it or just don't feel comfortable with the concept. Is it just something you've never been interested in or didn't think it could help?
> 
> Ahh you just kind of answered the question.


Well, actually when I was 15 and still going through some things, I went to the school counselor, the principle, my mom's best friends, the police. No one helped me. They never arrested my brother, he never faced any charges. My mom made him move out to live with her mother for about three months, then he came back and I left. 

After I left, there was a mental hospital within walking distance to my home. I would walk there every day and try to get an appointment with someone. Finally, they did let me in to see someone. That person listened to my story for about five minutes, stopped me while talking and crying and left the room. He came back and told me that they didn't do that type of counseling and handed me a card. I had no insurance, no car, no money and was living with my boyfriend( my ex) and his dad. It seemed that everywhere I turned, I was rejected. I learned early on to depend on one person. Me. I guess I just haven't reached out since then. My children always came first and my problems took a backseat.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

I also remember when I was in college that my professor would make little comments on my papers. One day he asked to see me in his office and told me that he sensed there was a lot going on within me and asked me if I needed someone to talk to. He was very young and attractive and I felt odd talking to him for some reason. He tried very hard to be a friend for me. 

He told me that I was different from anyone he had ever met. He never came on to me, never touched me so it wasn't that. I worked hard for my grades in his class. A few of my other professors tried to get me to open up after that. I am certain that they would share my work from my rhetoric's class and discuss the things I wrote about. They were all very supportive. They knew I was unmarried with three children at only 21 years old. I was with my H, but not married to him yet. I didn't want his support. I wanted to support myself and my children. Stubborn I guess you could call it. I could never bring myself to tell these men what was in my heart. I wanted one place that I could be a normal 21 year old in college. I wanted to experience normalcy. Even there however, it wasn't to be. I still have my papers with the little notes. I often wonder what things may be different with me now had I sought out counseling. Would I have done the things I did? Would I have fallen so far? I can't change the past, I can only shape the future.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You have a PM


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Yes, after reading some of that it is opening a can of worms. I can feel it starting. My heart feels heavy and reading those behaviors is bringing to the surface memories that I had tucked away in a box. I knew what was in there under lock and key but I hadn't really dug through them until these posts, and reading your link about it. I was that child. I know I am a survivor and not a victim anymore. But that child is still inside of me in that box of memories and I knew that one day I would really need to take her out and blow off the dust. Clean her up and help her grow up to join me in being a woman. Thank you. I guess this forum was more for me than I thought.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> All the reasons you listed fit into a "why you would be tempted to" category. He too was tempted but wasn't willing to betray for a little short lived fun. He wasn't willing to cause her that kind of pain so the answer of WHY? lingers and looms large. It is a haunting question that perhaps has no answer. Somehow an answer to that question would make it easier to swallow.


Being a man, I've lot of temptation to woo a woman but I never did. Instead of having an affair, I learned music, taught my kids different hobbies and what not. 

So in-short, if one wants to cheat, he/she will cheat irrespective of how good or bad marriage is/was !!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Meg,

Your reaction to revealing you gave yourself to another guy in S&M is very troubling. You have very strong bad emotions there and it is something you are hiding from your husband.

Cheating is part sex, and mostly betrayal.

You keeping dark secrets from your husband, especially ones with such emotional baggage, is very very much a betrayal of his trust and a time bomb in you.

You put up a good front, you earlier said you had come clean to your 
H and he knew of you affairs. But obviously he only superficially knows of them. You still are keeping very emotional details from him, and that creates a rift between between the two of you.

He doesn't know what is motivating you inside. He doesn't know what triggers you have. You haven't been fully open to him.

Marriages end because of secrets and betrayal.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Unlike many on TAM, I do not subscribe to the idea that *volunteering* _ALL_ details of an affair is absolutely necessary. Some people want more details than others.

Also, from what I have read here on TAM, the dynamics of a situation where both spouses have cheated are very different than when only one spouse has done so.

We both cheated. I do not care to know all the gory details of my wife's A, and so far, my W does not seem to care to know the details of my A.

Granted, we have not entered together into a committed attempt at reconciliation, and until that happens, I will not answer any questions that I do not feel comfortable with. At this time, she has asked very few questions about my A, and I have asked very few questions about hers (she cheated - that's all I really want or need to know, personally). If she were to commit to R, I would answer any questions she might have, however uncomfortable it might be for me.

Like me, your H may not feel the need to know more than he already does, and to just start spewing out unsolicited details about your A's serves no purpose, IMO.

Since you and your H have reconciled, if your H asks for info, then by all means, you should share it. I don't think he wants to know more, possibly because he cheated as well.

meg, please, please consider some individual counseling. It will likely be painful - I know it has been for me - but it has been well worth it.

God's grace and good luck to you going forward.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

meg444 said:


> To the next question, how do I know I am safe to be with? Well, I don't. Neither does he. No one really can really know that the person they are with is "safe" to be with. You can't say that you know anyone with 100 percent accuracy. The dynamics of the human mind and heart go way beyond human comprehension. You can know what a person likes to eat or drink, how they like their bath water and what turns them on. You can know their habits and eccentricities but you can never read their mind, feel what is in their heart and say with 100 percent that the person you are with is completely trustworthy in ALL situations. You can say that you can but the minute something changes, you start doubting. Why do you think people get the VAR's and the private detectives. As for how my husband lives with the uncertainty.. We both live with it. But.. when you forgive someone even if you NEVER trust them again you do not make their life a living hell. If my husband wants to see my phone or my laptop or my email.. fine.. just ask and I will open it in front of you but DO NOT disrespect me and dig through my purse, read my diary and sneak behind my back. That is no way to live. I have never done that to him. It is immature IMO ( oh look, I used an abbreviation that I just learned)
> 
> Anyway, the point is. We have no guarantee but we choose to trust because without trust there is no relationship. I can't stop him from cheating if he wanted to and neither could he stop me if I wanted to. I have no desire to cheat anymore. If that desire ever came back I would tell him, we would figure out why it came back and what we could do to change it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this. I can easily understand why your husband can't know whether you're safe to be with or not. Since my wife's affair two years ago, I haven't been able to feel safe with her either, and that's why I asked in the first place.

What troubles me in your story is that you deep down don't know it yourself? I really have a difficult time understanding why you can't know if you are willing to cheat on your partner or not. Isn't it because you in fact know that you are NOT a safe person to be with, but that you're not comfortable admitting it?

Another question; nobody likes to be fooled. Why do you think it's immature to verify if you're telling the truth, if it's obviously not the truth he's getting? Is it because you think he should just accept your word for it, or do you suggest he just leave, if he doesn't trust you? Why is it that you don't like the idea of being transparent to your spouse?

I understand that you want to spare your husband the details of your affairs, only you know how bad it was. The thing is... he doesn't KNOW that there is more to know. Maybe that's why he doesn't ask - he may believe you have told him everything there is to know. How about telling him, that there are more and worse things you haven't told, and then let HIM decide if he wants to know or not? That would be showing him respect IMO.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

wow, a lot to absorb. 

My H doesn't want to know. Last night, I suggested IC for myself. He got angry at me. He wanted to know why after all of these years I want to go to IC and why I am suddenly letting this bother me. It's the past, it's over and done with. His words. I am not keeping secrets from him. He told me in the beginning he doesn't want details. Of my Affairs or my abuse. 

I tried to talk to him last night about my abuse, he didn't want to hear it. He got agitated and angry. I dropped it. I did tell him that it is my choice if I want IC and now he wants me to stop talking on this site. He said that it is the devil trying to bring up my past and cause us more problems that we don't need and have been doing fine without. So... I have let him decide. He decided from day one. But... I wouldn't have wanted him to know the gory details ever anyway. We are all individuals here and entitled to keeping personal humiliation to ourselves if we so chose. 

Your right, it is enough for him to know I cheated. He does know basic details like with whom and how long and things like that. He doesn't know when, where, what we did. He didn't want to know and if I tried to tell him he would shut me down.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

cpacan, 

I will touch on your question later. I am at work as usual and playing a little hooky on the computer to even be on this site.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Meg,
> 
> Your reaction to revealing you gave yourself to another guy in S&M is very troubling. You have very strong bad emotions there and it is something you are hiding from your husband.
> 
> Marriages end because of secrets and betrayal.


I am well aware of that. But sometimes, full exposure would end the marriage as well. Of course I have bad emotions for what happened.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

My H and I usually are able to talk about everything. I have spoken of my abuse to him in the past. I don't understand this sudden change for him not wanting to talk to me about that. Any idea's why now he doesn't want to hear about it. I wasn't talking about my affairs. Only the abuse I have endured.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

You know, maybe my H is right. I haven't felt this unsettled since I started posting these intimate details of my life. My stomach is in knots thinking about my past and the present. Thinking that maybe I have damaged my H beyond repair. We haven't argued in a while and last night we did. All because of me feeling a pain I haven't felt in a while. It has thrown me into a whirlwind of emotion that I need some time to process. I feel confused and actually a little hurt that he shut me down so fast without listening to me. 

I know you all have sympathy for my H and what I did to him as well you should. But how long does a person have to pay for their mistakes? The rest of their life? If I would have to pay for this for the rest of my life, I would rather let him go so he could be with someone who hasn't hurt him and he would no longer suffer and I could be alone. If I ever divorce, I do not want to start over. I would rather do my own thing and be alone. I don't want the dating scene, getting to know someone else, revealing my past and going through that pain again. 

All of this has brought on a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I cannot describe and I feel depressed now. I do not like feeling this way. It is a helpless feeling and a loss of control and reminds me oh too well of my childhood. I had blocked out years of my life of my dad doing what he did and it wasn't until I was older that I started getting flashbacks. I guess it was more painful for me to re live what my dad did than what my brother did. Although my brother lasted the longest and he had more opportunity. I can't do this right now. I need a break to process some of the things said in here.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's OK.
Something made you come her I believe. I wouldn't ignore it for too long but I think you should do what works for you, as an individual and as a wife.
I can understand how coming here, seeing you upset, bringin "bad" emotions back, stirring the emotional pot might make your husband also upset.
Wish you peace.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Meg,

I was the BH with an exWW that expressed herself almost verbatim as you have.

It has been about 18 months since then. I did divorce, date, and just re-married a new woman.

She talked about freely allowing me to go. Fact is she poisoned my son against me, kept most of our shared posessions, called my family to berate me, used religion as a way to promote herself, etc.

If your husband does need a fresh start, please have the mercy to let it be peaceful. The betrayal of cheating and lying can be compounded further by being a bad ex.

She (my ex WW) began to date again. I encouraged it. I honestly want her to find stability for the sake of her family and my sons. Her bitterness has sweetened as she has started to focus on her future instead of the pain she caused for all of us.

In summary, mean what you say in letting him go to find peace. I think it would be beneficial for both of you.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

meg444 said:


> I didn't let my husband find out about it. I told him up front. He had his suspicions but could not confirm anything. I became very good at hiding what I didn't want him to know. I don't like that but it's the truth. Yes, we are happy now. We have both grown up and forgiven.
> 
> The last affair ended in 2008. I have been true to not only my husband since then, but to myself as well. I don't want any other men anymore. And if I run into some of the men that I had "flings" with or what not.. I don't run and hide but I do evaluate how I feel about it, go home and talk to my husband about it and most of the time it's asking myself "What was I thinking!" I am ashamed for the most part.


Why are you running into your ex OM?

You must be NC with all of your OM.

Everytime your BH hears about you running into one of your OM this has to bring your BH back to a bad place. Bringing your BH back to relive the affair is not recovery but continued torture.

Keeping that you broke NC with an OM a secret is lying to your BH. Not telling your BH is a lie by omission. Lying now to your BH is no different then when you lied and hid your affair with OM from BH back then.

Your BH needs you to end you breaking NC with your OM. You must come up with a plan to have 100% NC with all of your OM.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

theroad said:


> Why are you running into your ex OM?
> 
> You must be NC with all of your OM.
> 
> ...


That's a lot of abbreviations there bud.. First off, I don't intentionally "run" into my OM.. But when you live three houses down from one you can't help but run into them occasionally. I live in a small town and know a ton of people. And I plainly said I go home and tell my OM about it so as not to be lying. Did you not read that. I'm sorry if it makes it hard to comprehend what you are trying to say with all of your abbreviations. Maybe you shouldn't do so much of that. 

I am not sure that you have been keeping up with these posts. I am not going to keep answering the same question over and over.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

I think some of y'all are forgetting the main difference here between my affair and some others. My h cheated too..with my sister no less. I know what he is feeling. It sucks..it really does. But my h is the one who didn't want the divorce. How many times do I have to reiterate that. If you read my prior posts, you will see that I am also not the type to be bitter, immature or involve the children in this. I would let him go if he so desired. He didn't. I wanted to sell our house and move after the reconcile but he refused. I wanted the country where we could start over..he didn't. Everything has mainly been his decisions here because in my futile attempt to show my remorse I had let him control our lives again. He respects me more but ultimately everything is his decision and I feel smothered sometimes and I think y'all are forgetting that I forgave him too. He doesn't want us to divorce nor do I. But if he is still suffering then he needs to let it go or let me go so we can both seek true happiness. I don't want him to suffer and I don't want to live a life of grovelling won't. I have no excuses for what I did. I feel like I am being asked the same questions over and over in a hundred different ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

meg - this is a long thread - most posters coming in late like this do not bother to read all the earlier posts.


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

I know old timer..sigh. I'm just tired and grumpy today. My son is facing major prison time and I'm trying to help him. He is only 16 and I am doing all that I can for him. Today just isn't a great day. Tomorrow will be better. I just need to cuddle with my h and sip a glass of wine. Unwind and relax.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Sounds good - enjoy your evening


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

cpacan said:


> Thanks for this. I can easily understand why your husband can't know whether you're safe to be with or not. Since my wife's affair two years ago, I haven't been able to feel safe with her either, and that's why I asked in the first place.
> 
> What troubles me in your story is that you deep down don't know it yourself? I really have a difficult time understanding why you can't know if you are willing to cheat on your partner or not. Isn't it because you in fact know that you are NOT a safe person to be with, but that you're not comfortable admitting it?
> 
> ...



It isn't that I don't think we should be transparent. It is more of the feeling of being suffocated if you are asked daily about your entire day down to how many times you went to the bathroom and why you stayed in there so long. If jealousy and insecurity takes over and suddenly no aspect of your life is safe. My H was insecure and jealous long before I ever cheated. He accused me when I was doing nothing wrong. He read my diary, wanted all of my passwords, just basically controlled and harassed every aspect of my life. One of the reasons I did cheat the first time was because I was being falsely accused of it constantly and I got sick and tired of not even being able to go grocery shopping without being timed. That behavior almost destroyed our marriage for no good reason. I had never cheated in my life and to be accused of it on an hourly basis nearly drove me insane. It was because he knew he had cheated and it was eating him alive so he turned it on me. I had the false mindset that in his mind I had been cheating for years so if I am guilty of it already and now I have the opportunity why not see what the fuss is all about anyway. I had given up. My marriage was terrible before my affairs. I wanted a divorce. One can say that my affairs actually saved our marriage. I hate what I did, but I cannot deny that my marriage is much better after the affairs than before. I am not sure what would have become of us. I probably would have divorced him. I was actually starting to hate him long before I cheated. Of course, there is a fine line between love and hate. He once told me, before I cheated.. before any affairs and before I found out about my sister and him.. that he wouldn't mind swinging. I listened and found out that he wanted to swing with my sister. I of course did not agree. Anyway, that was then. 



I have no problem with my h knowing my email address and passwords. I do not have a lock on my phone, I share passwords with him. His email and mine have the same password. Our facebook accounts are basically shared. Everything is an open book. What I do feel is wrong is sneaking around and back handed lies. Digging through my purse searching for something that shouldn't be there. Waiting until I am in the bath to plunder my phone and then lie about it. Sneaking and reading my diary to the point I have quit writing in it because it is none of his business if I want to write about details of my thoughts. If I am not allowed to even have my own thoughts to myself then something is wrong with this world. Not that I have anything to hide, it is the moral of the thing. 

The reason I say that I can't know if I would cheat again is simple. I am in a good frame of mind right now and have been for years. I feel that my faith has changed me and I honestly feel that I will never cheat again. I don't want to nor do I have the desire. But things unforeseen can change a person and I have learned to never say never. I said my h would never cheat on me. He did. I said I would never cheat on him. I did. I said my children would never do the things they have done (two of them anyway) and they did. Everytime I say never.. the never happens. So I say instead.. I will have a prevention plan. I will keep the lines of communication open. I will do everything within my power to make my marriage grow and prosper and everything that is out of my control I will pray for. If my H ever cheated on me again.. I can't say what I would do. I would be devastated but I can't for sure 100 percent say what I would do. I suppose you can simply say I am a woman that thinks outside of the box. And I believe that if you say you forgive me then I don't expect you to forget but I do expect you to act on that forgiveness and not throw it in my face everytime we fight. Otherwise, you haven't forgiven me and you don't want reconciliation so just divorce me. I am matter of fact. You either do or don't. Don't sit the fence for longer than necessary and don't make a decision and then change your mind. 

If you want out.. fine.. leave. If you want to work it out.. okay I am here.. let's talk, let's make love.. let's do what we need to. But make up your mind. I made a mistake.. you made a mistake.. we either stay together and let it go.. or we divorce and stay angry and bitter forever. 

I was crying today. My H wouldn't leave me alone until I told him why. So I told him.. people on tam said I have broken you and that you still think about what I did. I let him read some of the posts. He laughed. He actually laughed. He said.. when I look at B (om) I don't even think about what you and he did. It's like it never happened. He told me he doesn't even think about it anymore and if he does it is with thankfulness because it saved us. He hates the thought of what we did, but he said "honey, don't listen to those men that are bitter and hurt.. they don't have god the way we do and they can't understand our relationship. Now stop crying and know that we have both done wrong and both forgiven each other and that I love you and never want to be without you. You didn't "break" me. I am not secretly hurting. I just don't want to hear about things you suffered because it makes me want to go kill your brother and your mother and that is not what I want to feel. If you want to get IC and you feel you MUST have it then of course I will support you. But don't let the past cause us problems that we have already gotten past." 

Now, how could I stay upset after that. I don't know if he is telling me the truth 100 percent but he seemed very sincere. So.. I feel that I won't ever cheat. If asked for a 100 percent I would say 99.9 percent. But just as the best birth control aside from removing the uterus is only 99.9 percent..so there is the small .1 percent that the zombie apocalypse will occur and I will assume my H is dead and end up being with the man that chopped and hacked to save my life only to find that my H is alive. JK.. 

I think you get my raunchy sense of humor. I just don't think there are any guarantees in life at all. The only guarantee that I have is that I will die one day when god chooses to bring me home. Most people don't understand my way of thinking.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The only guarantee in life is change!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I just realized I miss quoted TAM..." the only constant in life is change" (upper right side of the header for this site)


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Meg, if you are both cheaters, then you deserve each other and should give swinging a shot. Some people can handle it, others can't.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You and your husband have found a way to make your marriage work in spite of your painful histories. 

And in the end, "making it work" is what we all want. So kudos to you both.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey girl, isn't it a lot easier being an open book then the crap you and my old lady did back in the day? 

I think you going to be OK!

Now about you kid, WTF? Might want to post in the Family &Parenting section for some support?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hookares said:


> Meg, if you are both cheaters, then you deserve each other and should give swinging a shot. Some people can handle it, others can't.


I think I missed something?
How can 2 unhealthy behaviors be diserving of each other? It seems niether one would find good things?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Meg if not talking about it works for the two of you, then go with that. Your husbands reaction is atypical, but that doesn't mean it's invalid and it doesn't mean it doesn't work for the both of you.

If it works then be happy that you finally found your path.
,


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## meg444 (Feb 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> Hey girl, isn't it a lot easier being an open book then the crap you and my old lady did back in the day?
> 
> I think you going to be OK!
> 
> Now about you kid, WTF? Might want to post in the Family &Parenting section for some support?



I agree 100 PERCENT on this one... I need all the help I can get with this kid. I think the 30 days he has already served has done some major changing in his way of thinking.. I just pray when trial date comes.. his changes are shown to the judge and he doesn't get the 15 years that they said he could get. We are working on it. Thanks!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What ever happens do your best to keep him out of state. If he can go to county he will be better off...work furlow is best.

In CA going to state is bad news, they add on time for every offence he commits. So if he is caught with contraband its more time, any asssualt is more time.

In county he can push sentence years out...sure get out of county and go back in months later but trust me keep him out of state corrections.


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