# husband asked to buy lingerie....by another woman



## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Heya everyone,

Just wanted run this by you and get some of your opinions on it...

My husband works away for 2 weeks at a time and 2 weeks at home whilst away he and his colleagues live at sea, his colleagues are predominantly male with the exceptionn of a few of the cleaning staff who are female.

My husband was in the canteen one afternoon and one of the cleaners came in to make tea and they got talking, just general chit chat but when my husband told her he was going home in a few days and she asked him would he do her a favour, as he was travelling back to the uk/Ireland she asked could he go to a lingerie shop we have here which isn't available in her country. She then went on to say what she needed and so on (lingerie) and asked would my husband mind getting it for her when he was home, to which he replied he would have to ask his wife first. 

When he told me I was stunned but part of me was angry at him for not telling her no there and then, he was married and would never go into a lingerie shop for another woman.

We got into a bit of a row and after I thought about it I felt she was coming on to him, I mean why else would a woman ask that and then talk about lingerie with someone else's husband?

So I asked him to report it as it was very unprofessional and it made me very uneasy and I would need to make sure it didn't happen again, he refused, saying he didn't want to get her into trouble which I can understand but I have trust issues with him as he cheated once in the past, so I feel he should really be doing whatever it takes to put my mind and ease as I was crying and distraught. If that means getting someone into trouble so be it, I feel my feelings should come first and he should understand that because of his past. 

Anyways he refused and we didn't speak for several days and then he got in contact and apologised, told me would report it and that was the subject closed. He came home and it wasn't mentioned and I just knew it wasn't reported it because if he had he would of told me how it went.

So after he's home around a week I ask him and he tells me he did report it but I know he's lying, I ask what her name is and he says he doesn't know, which I don't believe as she felt comfortable enough to ask him to bring her some lingerie back, How can you not be on first name terms with someone if you are comfortable enough to ask that, and especially as they are all sharing living quarters. He then admits he didn't report it but still Insists he doesn't know her name.

I am furious because he's lying to me and I have trust issues with him already. The lingerie chain in question delivers to her country for a mere £4.99, so not exactly expensive.

Part of me thinks well he told me, so there must not be anything to hide but part of me is very uncomfortable with this.

Can anyone give me some insight into you make of this situation.

P.s thank you for reading.
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

Exception** spelling error
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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

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You are not wrong. He has poor boundaries and paltry common sense.

He cheated before? And did not learn from that "mistake"? Naw...stay PO'd.

He is a dumb azz. Seriously, not a clever man. Chew on this one. Really think long on whether this relationship is viable.

I hope he has a whole lot of wonderful qualities to offset his weak fog lights.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

Which country is she from? Just because the company will ship there doesn't mean the government will allow the package to reach its destination. Some countries are VERY anti- Western style lingerie. She might have asked your H because his is married and therefore seen as safe.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@SunCMars thanks for the reply. 

Yeah, he cheated before so that's why I'm feeling so uneasy about this and his response to it and the fact he is still lying.
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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

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If she can buy them online then you have every right to be angry at the situation. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@MJJEAN she's from Germany so there's no restriction on on lingerie. She's not married, and maybe she did see him as a safe option but I am uncomfortable with it.
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

Thanks @MrsAldi even if she couldn't purchase them online i would still be angry because it was sexy lingerie, lol I don't know, it's just super crazy.

But am I right to be cross with my husband? That's what's getting me, he told me about it which is a good thing but I'm still confused.
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

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Loveontherocks said:


> @MJJEAN she's from Germany so there's no restriction on on lingerie. She's not married, and maybe she did see him as a safe option but I am uncomfortable with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup, nope. Germany was definitely NOT one of the countries that is known for confiscating lingerie. I'd be suspicious and pissed off, too.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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@MJJEAN that's why it's making me so uneasy, and it wasn't just a bra and pants, it was raunchy lingerie.
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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

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Unless selection is severely limited overseas

He should tell her to go to amazon.de

Also I'd think it's complete nonsense that it can't be found somewhere in Germany already.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@Loveontherocks
If she's from Germany and not married, I wonder her motives.
I mean you'd ask a female friend to do it.

Would your husband run down to Penney's say and have no trouble buying undies for you? 
Cos mine runs out of the knickers' section faster than the priests in Father Ted! 
So if he did it for a female colleague, yeah I'd be mad. 

My sex therapist is from Germany, I thought they were more liberal than us. (Sex shops etc)
I'll ask her next appointment. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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@toblerone, that's what I said, she could get it anywhere online. But the website sells the same lingerie that's in store, so she could of had it delivered if she wanted to. I don't know what to make of all this, it's just making me uncomfortable.
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@MrsAldi exactly my views on it.

I wouldn't dream of asking a random guy at work that and then going on to describe the lingerie. Seems very out there.

Yeah, they are much more laid back which makes it all the more strange.

But I'm mad at him for lying over her name and saying he reported it. I hate being lied to.
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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

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I mean, I get it. I'm awesome at the internet but I can see how some people could be really bad at it.

It's just such a strange thing, either way. I mean, I know I have had said really stupid things to come on to women in my younger days but 'buy me some lingerie'? That's a new one.

edit: yea. I think its a bunch of malarkey that he can't remember her name- that could set off a big alarm. The 'reporting it' issue is a little different though.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

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Loveontherocks said:


> @MrsAldi exactly my views on it.
> 
> I wouldn't dream of asking a random guy at work that and then going on to describe the lingerie. Seems very out there.
> 
> ...


I'd be very suspicious they're involved somehow and he was trying to find a way to buy her lingerie without you getting catching on.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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@toblerone 😂😂 exactly, like hey man, how's your day been....fancy buying me some basques and suspenders lol

It's a weird one. Yeah I get he didn't want for her to get into trouble and perhaps if he didn't have a past I wouldn't either but because there is trust issues there I feel he should do whatever it takes to make me trust him. I mean he owes her nothing, he owes me a lot. 

Maybe if there was no past I could laugh it off.
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@MJJEAN that thought has crossed my mind so many times. I try to block it out and put it down to paranoia but what if that is the reason.
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

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Ok, for the Americans, what the heck is a basque? A bra? Suspenders, I assume, are garters?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

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Yea. I thought about that after I posted and didn't want to edit again and make things even more incomprehensible. 

For the relationships I've been in: who cares if I didn't report someone hitting on me? But I've never gone through what you have.

So, from that standpoint, it is difficult for me to understand.

But from my standpoint, to maybe help you see how people at his work might think: he might get chirped if he reports to management some sort of sexual harassment for the crime of asking to buy lingerie.
@MJJEAN, half the fun is finding out for yourself 
or, alternatively: maybe that's why the German chick can't find any of this stuff. She's using the wrong words!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

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Loveontherocks said:


> @MJJEAN that thought has crossed my mind so many times. I try to block it out and put it down to paranoia but what if that is the reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He was going to buy her the lingerie. He lied about her name and didn't report her. He has a history of infidelity. There is no such thing as paranoid. And I say that as someone who was once a WW and a BW.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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@MJJEAN a basque is the corset style lingerie bra things, and suspenders are the little strap things that hold the stockings up.
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

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@toblerone and @Loveontherocks, Ahhh, it's what we'd typically just simply call a corset. So, a corset and garters. Let me guess, she needed panties and stockings, too... 

Suspicion level raised!


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@toblerone I agree with that and do understand but it would be dealt with privately.

It's the lying and saying he did report it that annoys me, then he wonders why I still don't trust him 😂
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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Yes @MJJEAN he's still lying about her name. He thinks I believe this BS

I really don't know what angers me more, the lying or the fact he thinks I'm dumb enough to believe it!
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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



Loveontherocks said:


> Yes @MJJEAN he's still lying about her name. He thinks I believe this BS
> 
> I really don't know what angers me more, the lying or the fact he thinks I'm dumb enough to believe it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

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How can he report someone if he doesn't know her name? That makes no sense. Obviously he is lying to you.

Him telling you before he does it means nothing as far as trust. He could be telling you as a cover, so you won't saying anything about it. 

His reasoning for her asking him to purchase it doesn't make sense. She has access to the exact same thing without asking him.

Something is definitely fishy here. Trust your gut.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

That's how I feel 😡 Lol
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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@Loveontherocks
I don't know if this is a good idea but...
Could you call up the company and ask to speak with the German girl, but say that you forgot her name, pretend to be a customer or supplier or something? 

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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

Perhaps I'm missing something, but if he was going to cheat why wouldn't he just, well, cheat?

Why come up with such an elaborate tale to begin with? Surely he isn't that much of a thicky?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@CynthiaDe that's precisely what I said to him, the little liar.

I do always follow my gut as its always been right. Thank you for the advice and message. It means a lot to know I'm not being paranoid in this, some people are agreeing it's fishy.
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@MrsAldi maybe I could but I'd be afraid of what I might unravel.

I had to dig the last time and I would rather he was honest than get it from a third party. It's such a pickle to be in because part of me thinks what if it was entirety innocent on his part and he's trying to do the right thing by telling me....still doesn't excuse the lies though.
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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@Emerging Buddhist I suppose he would, I don't if he's cheating with this person and that's not what I'm seeking help for. I just want to know if people think it's as strange as I do and if I'm right to have concerns over her intentions and his lying to protect her.
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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

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Emerging Buddhist said:


> Why come up with such an elaborate tale to begin with? Surely he isn't that much of a thicky?


Don't know, Irish men play the fool, underneath they are playing it cool. 
I should know, I'm married to one! 
But I can read him better than a polygraph test! 



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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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@MrsAldi they do indeed and just say the first thing that pops into their heads.
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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

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Loveontherocks said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> Heya everyone,
> ...



Ask him how he would feel if the one of the footballers from the local football club asked you to buy him a jockstrap because he is away off on a ship and doesn't have the time.

What a load of BS your WH is pulling. He seems determined to pull you down or else he doesn't have a clue about boundaries. Either this woman is coming on to him or he is already engaging in something with her and in some perverse way wants to pull you into his 'happy' scenario. Cheaters work in mysterious ways.

Incidentally, this guy is a boor, why are you still with him, you know you will never be happy with him, he will always manage to undermine any trust you might have, is this the way you want to live your life?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



Emerging Buddhist said:


> Perhaps I'm missing something, but if he was going to cheat why wouldn't he just, well, cheat?
> 
> Why come up with such an elaborate tale to begin with? Surely he isn't that much of a thicky?


A cheater's MO is often to use lies with some truth thrown in, I guess they think its a way of keeping their story straight and kidding themselves that they can get away with it too.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

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OP,

I think you know what kind of single woman would ask a married man to buy sexy lingerie for her (so she could model for him, perhaps?). Either your husband is dense as a rock, or he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes. That, on top of the lie and coverup, make rebuilding trust very difficult. I don't think he's changed at all.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

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So what was the plan for payment for this lingerie? Did this woman give him money for it, credit card info, or was he to pay for it and she pay him back afterward? 

It is possible that he told you this ridiculous story so he could buy an AP some lingerie and you would aware of the charge and not question it? It is the perfect way to buy lingerie for an AP and not have your wife throw a fit. How would the wife know if she paid him back in cash or if it was actually a gift for her? 

Maybe you should contact her somehow and ask why she would ask a married man to pick up lingerie for her. See if she actually did ask him to buy the items or if he wanted to gift her with lingerie. Even if she did ask him, it is very inappropriate. I can not imagine asking that of a man, describing what I want, and realizing he is going to see and handle my lingerie. Creepy!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

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Loveontherocks said:


> @Emerging Buddhist I suppose he would, I don't if he's cheating with this person and that's not what I'm seeking help for. I just want to know if people think it's as strange as I do and if I'm right to have concerns over her intentions and his lying to protect her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is strange... let there be no doubt.

Stranger than strange... surely he doesn't wear such foolishness on his sleeve, but then he has once before so patterns may play.

To play the fool he must be, and I will say "well" again, playing himself.

Not very clever on his part if that is his best (play)... :|


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

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Abc123wife said:


> It is possible that he told you this ridiculous story so he could buy an AP some lingerie and you would aware of the charge and not question it? It is the perfect way to buy lingerie for an AP and not have your wife throw a fit. How would the wife know if she paid him back in cash or if it was actually a gift for her?


All this time I thought that the story of the lady asking for lingerie was legit in and of itself and only now did I realize it really is just more simple to say the dude wants to buy the chick lingerie to wear.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

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Sorry I haven't read all the replies but my first thought is neither of you are wrong for your opinions.

He was open with you and he was honest that he wouldn't report it. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Given your past with him you have valid reasons to be upset.

I think you should stop and pause right there. What happens when a couple disagrees? That's really the question.

If it would cause no problems for him or his conscience, then he should respect your request.

But it isn't ok with him. He clearly believes it would be wrong to report this woman.

So you are at an impasse but I honestly believe you both have valid positions.

I doubt he'd tell you if he planned to buy this and cheat with her. Plus he respected you enough to tell her he'd have to ask you first.

So I see this as one of those things where you two disagree. And that's ok sometimes in a LTR


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

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In the end, your search for his intentions are are something that may be less transparent than his behavior. You know he is not transparent, this is his history. You have asked before if he can be trusted, you have sound responses and you know his weaknesses.

There are many "givens" here... do you really want to spend your life doing this?

A cycle of reconciliation is a prison of patterns, you can choose a different path.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

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I don't care WHAT country she's from, your husband should have laughed, told her no, and told her to buy her own sexy stuff.

Either that or hook up with one of the single guys on base and asked THEM to go buy her crap!!

That's what MY hubby would have said!!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

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I told my husband about your post and asked his opinion about the scenario. My husband worked for an oil refinery during the early years of our marriage and very few women in his workplace (only front office secretaries). His answer was that your husband is trying to pull wool over your eyes. He is wanting to buy intimate apparel for his "colleague", so that she could wear it for him! Ouch! He said, he is either cheating or is about to cheat. Sorry OP, that you are here.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

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You can drive yourself crazy wondering if he is being faithful to you on the ship and if you want to play devil's advocate you can assume that he's cheating and to make it ok in his brain he starts by divulging some information but not all so that he can make the argument that he wouldn't say anything if he was truly cheating. In the end, you have to really think if you still trust him. In all of this, I had to work at trusting my husband who cheated in our marriage and I had to literally remind myself on the daily that I have decided to trust him and forgive him. I was driving myself crazy with his weak character flaw and in the end I ended buying a voice activated recorder which I placed in the car ( this was a suggestion I got from TAM ) and I routinely go through his phone in front of him . This allowed me to feel comfortable with trusting him again and when he realizes that I want to go through the phone we have an open discussion as to what I'm feeling. I needed concrete proof of his trust worthiness because the affair completely destroyed my trust in him.

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

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Insisting that he doesn't know her name is ridiculous. It must hurt to be so f'n stupid. He's insulting your intelligence with that nonsense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



Loveontherocks said:


> Thanks @MrsAldi even if she couldn't purchase them online i would still be angry because it was sexy lingerie, lol I don't know, it's just super crazy.
> 
> But am I right to be cross with my husband? That's what's getting me, he told me about it which is a good thing but I'm still confused.


I agree that the woman asking him to get her lingerie is most likely a come-on. She can order it.

But he told you. If you want him to be honest, you have to make it safe for him to be honest. What you have taught him is that he had better not tell you anything because you will attack him for his honesty.

If you want your husband to be honest, you have to handle it better.

He told her that he would have to ask you. That put her in her place and showed you respect. He told you, that showed you more respect.

And what did you do? You went after him with anger. 

You made demands that he probably is not comfortable doing and I can see why. A ship is a very closed environment. If he reports her, it will most likely make his work environment very uncomfortable. 

I get that you are upset. It has to be hard having him gone for weeks at a time with you not having any insight into what's going on with him. He could be doing anything he wants and you would probably never find out.

Can he get any work that does not take him away for weeks at a time? That might help with your anxiety about not being able to trust him.

You need to find a way to back off on your anger and demands that he jump through hoops to prove to you that he loves you and/or is not cheating. You have to make it safe for him to be open with you.

He did the right thing in telling her that he would ask you. you need to accept that he did that.

My advice is to back off on your need for him to destroy her by reporting her. Sure if she gets more pushy, fine, he should report her. But you want him to feel safe in telling you if she, or anyone else, pulls this nonsense.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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@EleGirl I get what you're saying but if he wanted me to not react this way he shouldn't of cheated in the first place.

If his work environment gets a tad uncomfortable then that's something hes brought on himself because of his actions in the past.

I feel that as is he if really loves me he should do anything he can to make me Feel at ease and if she gets into trouble so what, she should learn to act more appropriately. 

If a guy were to act that way with a female colleague it would not be tolerated, he'd be pervert or a sleaze ball so why should she be treated any differently just because she's a female.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

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Loveontherocks said:


> @EleGirl I get what you're saying but if he wanted me to not react this way he shouldn't of cheated in the first place.


There is a very good marriage coach and author, Dr. Harley from Marriage Builders, who talks about this topic. The idea that the BS has to make it safe for the WS to do the right thing. 

Yes your husband cheated. But if you beat him up emotionally when he does the right thing, then you are not in recovery. 

How long ago did he cheat?

I get how hard all of this is for you. I've been through it. But I think your husband did the right thing and you beat him up verbally for it. Of course he's not telling you the truth now. He knows that you will just beat him up more.



Loveontherocks said:


> If his work environment gets a tad uncomfortable then that's something hes brought on himself because of his actions in the past.


How long can you survive financially if he gets fired? Do you earn enough money to support you, him and any children that you have? How many months/years are you willing to be the bread winner.

It might go further than just uncomfortable. How is it handled on a ship when there are problems between people who work there? Do they both get fired? One fired? or are they just left to work it out themselves. What actions will be taken if he reports it?



Loveontherocks said:


> [I feel that as is he if really loves me he should do anything he can to make me Feel at ease and if she gets into trouble so what, she should learn to act more appropriately.


What will happen to his job if he reports it?




Loveontherocks said:


> If a guy were to act that way with a female colleague it would not be tolerated, he'd be pervert or a sleaze ball so why should she be treated any differently just because she's a female.


Really? I don't of course know anything about the ship or company that he works for. do they really discipline people for making a comment like that? Just asking because I don't know.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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aine said:


> Ask him how he would feel if the one of the footballers from the local football club asked you to buy him a jockstrap because he is away off on a ship and doesn't have the time.
> 
> What a load of BS your WH is pulling. He seems determined to pull you down or else he doesn't have a clue about boundaries. Either this woman is coming on to him or he is already engaging in something with her and in some perverse way wants to pull you into his 'happy' scenario. Cheaters work in mysterious ways.
> 
> Incidentally, this guy is a boor, why are you still with him, you know you will never be happy with him, he will always manage to undermine any trust you might have, is this the way you want to live your life?


 @aine I know I come across as this desperate woman who is staying with someone who treats me badly but I am very strong, I've had to be but with my current situation I don't have hard evidence he has cheated again, so don't have anything concrete to produce to a divorce lawyer.

I am biding time as I want to make sure I get what I'm entitled to if we do divorce.

I must add my husband doesn't display any signs if cheating, all his devices are left around and I can look through them, he is very affectionate and when I'm upset he does all he can to comfort me and iif he sees me crying he gets emotional as he doesn't like to see me hurting, so I do believe he is in love with me but I just don't know if he realises what boundaries are within a marriage.

Maybe I'm a fool, but I'm 50/50 as to whether I believe he's up to no good or not.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

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@EleGirl I do agree that if he's done the right thing and I've acted this way then it's not good but it is his own fault. He cheated 4 years ago but hid the extent of it and I only just found it out recently, so even though it wasn't recently it's still pretty raw to me as all the details are only coming out now, things he should of told me back then.

No, I don't as I'm out of work at the moment with an illness but he wouldn't lose his job as he's in managerial role and within his company its a 3 strikes and you're out policy so she would just recieve a verbal warning. And his job will be intact as he's not done anything wrong but if he had said something along those lines to a female he would be in trouble.

I shall check that author out and see if it helps.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@Blondilocks tell me about it, I say to him how ridiculous he looks still lying when I can see he's lying and still he persists with the lies.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@maritalloneliness that's really helpfully, maybe I could try and do that and tell him why I'm doing it. Have you managed to move on from your husbands infidelity? As I just worry that I'll always struggle.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@becareful2 that's exactly my view on it exactly, if there is nothing to hide why the white lies? 
He is dense and he just looks ridiculous trying to convince me if this utter crap.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@Abc123wife yes, it's entirely possible and that thought has crossed my mind so many times.

She was going to give him the cash apparently but you're right, how would I ever know if she did.

I would do that but "he doesn't know her name" thinks he can actually pull that BS on me and I'll believe it.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@Emerging Buddhist he is a fool, he literally keeps lying even though I can see right through him, he is just making matters worse but keeping up the BS.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



toblerone said:


> All this time I thought that the story of the lady asking for lingerie was legit in and of itself and only now did I realize it really is just more simple to say the dude wants to buy the chick lingerie to wear.


@Toberlone exactly, that's the first thing that came to mind when he told me!


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry I haven't read all the replies but my first thought is neither of you are wrong for your opinions.
> 
> He was open with you and he was honest that he wouldn't report it. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
> 
> ...


Yes, you're right in what you're saying but he's still lying and that's what causing the problems now, it's went beyond a disagreement because he's lying to protect her even if that's causing me hurt and pain.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@memyselfansi I couldn't agree more, you have my views exactly, he should of straight up told her HELL NO! That's another problem I have with the whole scenario.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@Roselyn that isn't news to me, no need to apologise as I've thought that from the second he told me. It's just proving it that's proving to be the problem.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



Loveontherocks said:


> @aine I know I come across as this desperate woman who is staying with someone who treats me badly but I am very strong, I've had to be but with my current situation I don't have hard evidence he has cheated again, so don't have anything concrete to produce to a divorce lawyer.
> 
> I am biding time as I want to make sure I get what I'm entitled to if we do divorce.
> 
> ...


I am glad you are strong for now, but tbh, that strenght can be slowly sucked from you over a period of time when you have to deal with the uncertainty, the lack of trust, the not knowing...it will eventually wear you down and you will be a shadow of your former self.

I asked my own H what he thought about the woman asking a married man to buy lingerie, he asked me was I kidding and said the man is crossing a line, he knows it and there is likely something going on. Further, what type of woman asks a married man to buy her lingerie? That is just something that is not done, unless neither she nor your H have any boundaries or are much more familiar than they are letting on. This whole scenario stinks.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@aine I agree, it will eventually wear me down and it's not the way I want to spend the rest of my life.

It does stink, how can anyone think that's normal acceptable behaviour?

After asking for advice and opinions here I've since spoken to him about the replies and how the majority of you guys are in agreement with me, he has since agreed that it sounds bad but he is insisting he played no part in it and if I want him to prove it by reporting it then he will. 

I'm genuinely so confused, I hate feeling unable to trust him but having no solid proof of anything. 


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



Loveontherocks said:


> @aine I agree, it will eventually wear me down and it's not the way I want to spend the rest of my life.
> 
> It does stink, how can anyone think that's normal acceptable behaviour.
> 
> ...


I think you have to lie low for the time being. Dont put him on notice that you suspect anything. However, start keeping a record of things he says that are out the ordinary, dates, names, times, etc. If anything is happening, he will eventually trip himself up. Is is possible to befriend any of his work colleagues, invite them for dinner etc?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@aine that's exactly what I'm going to do, play it cool, bide my time and pay attention to everything and anything.

That would be a good idea, but they are all scattered around Europe and don't live near by. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



Loveontherocks said:


> @MJJEAN she's from Germany so there's no restriction on on lingerie. She's not married, and maybe she did see him as a safe option but I am uncomfortable with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow! Hold the Front Page! They don't sell sexy lingerie in Germany!!! 

:wtf: Why has nobody told all of the people in Germany who regularly buy sexy lingerie from German-based sexy lingerie shops? 

I do not wish to be rude -I love Ireland, especially Dublin- but I can't imagine that Dublin would sell sexy lingerie that was not available in -for example- Berlin or Frankfurt?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@MattMatt my sex therapist is from Berlin, I mean it's the EU capital of fetish scenes, that's what she says anyhow. 
So I imagine you could buy a LOT more in Germany than Ireland or even Britain. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



MrsAldi said:


> @MattMatt my sex therapist is from Berlin, I mean it's the EU capital of fetish scenes, that's what she says anyhow.
> So I imagine you could buy a LOT more in Germany than Ireland or even Britain.
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


 @MrsAldi you have made it so that I will never again be able to think of your sex therapist in the same light again!


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

@MattMatt  exactly! Those poor Germans having to wear granny style undies! Lol like what is she playing at 
@MrsAldi thanks for that lol I thought as much, over here is much more reserved, so she must think I came up the liffy in a bubble. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Loveontherocks,

If your husband wanted to get that other woman some things, could he have just picked them up without you knowing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The idea of you lying low is good one.

the way it is right now, if anything inappropriate is going on, you can bet that he is going underground with it. Give him the room to feel safe. He will either do the right thing with the space, or the wrong thing. That's up to him.

So then the question is, how will you know if he does the wrong thing(s)?

Does he have a car?

You say that you check his cell phone. Have you considered putting a keystroke tracker on it? There are also ways to pull up deleted texts. 

Basically you can "trust" but verify.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@EleGirl I suppose he could but the thing is, there's a possibility I would see them in his suitcase before he leaves for the airport, or possibly a transaction.

That's exactly what I'll do for now, only thing is having to act super nice to him whilst I feel this way isn't easy.

Yes, he has a car. What exactly is that? I would do that if I knew more about it. And I'll have to look into pulling up deleted texts because if he is doing anything I want solid proof for my lawyer.

I really appreciate your advice and kindness, thank you. 


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



MattMatt said:


> Wow! Hold the Front Page! They don't sell sexy lingerie in Germany!!!
> 
> :wtf: Why has nobody told all of the people in Germany who regularly buy sexy lingerie from German-based sexy lingerie shops?
> 
> I do not wish to be rude -I love Ireland, especially Dublin- but I can't imagine that Dublin would sell sexy lingerie that was not available in -for example- Berlin or Frankfurt?


Mat, exactly. Germans are so much more liberated that the Irish. They go to public saunas naked and bath nude in local rivers, etc. That is why this all appears to be a smoke screen for him to buy the lingerie without the OP questioning it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Loveontherocks,
> 
> If your husband wanted to get that other woman some things, could he have just picked them up without you knowing?


Ele, cheaters often hide the lies with the truth. It is some perverse way of covering their tracks and justifying what they are doing?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Loveontherocks,
> 
> If your husband wanted to get that other woman some things, could he have just picked them up without you knowing?


 @EleGirl, there is a comedian called Jethro from the English West Country.

One of his techniques is to tell a story in his distinctive Cornish accent, which involves him relating how someone is telling a ridiculous lie to cover up some misdemeanour, with some words repeated for no obvious reason. (My Step Mother in Law is from Cornwall and they do speak like this!)

He starts the stories like so: "What happened was... What happened was... What happened *was*..." and then rambles off into a discourse that became more wild and more implausible as the story goes on.

The husband has already told his "What happened was..." story, like this: "What happened was... What happened was... What happened *was*... this woman who I hardly know, this woman, I hardly know, well she asked me to buy her some lingerie from a particular shop in Dublin because nowhere in Germany sells that particular type of lingerie, in Germany."

And as Jethro will often say at the end of his jokes: "Well, bo***cks to that!"


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MattMatt I shouldn't laugh at that but I did because it is basically what this fool is doing! 

Nothing more ridiculous than a liar continuing to lie when they know...you know....THEY ARE LYING

Lol 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> @MattMatt I shouldn't laugh at that but I did because it is basically what this fool is doing!
> 
> Nothing more ridiculous than a liar continuing to lie when they know...you know....THEY ARE LYING
> 
> ...


 @Loveontherocks, your husband has gone quite mad.

He has a sweet Irish Rose at home.

But he wants to replace his sweet Irish Rose with some old sauerkraut. :crazy:


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Loveontherocks, your husband has gone quite mad.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



@MattMatt quite right...he's a basket short of a picnic.

I don't even know why I sit around letting it bother me, it's not like I don't get hit on.....okay, perhaps guys don't ask me to buy their boxers but I'm not short of offers  

Maybe I should start playing him at his own game and see how he likes it...the liar 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> @MattMatt quite right...he's a basket short of a picnic.
> 
> I don't even know why I sit around letting it bother me, it's not like I don't get hit on.....okay, perhaps guys don't ask me to buy their boxers but I'm not short of offers
> 
> ...


 @Loveontherocks, don't go down to his level. 

Well, you could ask him to get her to buy some Lederhosen.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



EleGirl said:


> He told you. If you want him to be honest, you have to make it safe for him to be honest. What you have taught him is that he had better not tell you anything because you will attack him for his honesty.
> 
> If you want your husband to be honest, you have to handle it better.
> 
> ...


This is a very cool, calm, rational answer. Kudos.

I equate this to going into a semi-dark room, looking for the source of a bad smell. After much pacing, peering and sniffing, the source of the smell is found. It comes from a large wooden cask in the back left corner of the room.

After lighting a short-lived match, a snarling skunk is found inside with baby kittens and small bundles of money. Also present are wedding mementos and personal items.

The quickest way to get rid of the smell and the skunk would be to [upright] man-roll the barrel out the back door and push it down the fire escape's descending ladder.......problem solved.

The smell is gone. Many would go this route.

@EleGirl put on a set of leather gloves and a full body plastic suit. She rolled the barrel to the open back door. She reached into the wooden cask and grabbed the skunk by the nape of it stretchy neck.

She quickly jerked the female zorrillo out and flung down the stairs........problem better solved.

If the smell never returns, this is a permanent fix.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



EleGirl said:


> I agree that the woman asking him to get her lingerie is most likely a come-on. She can order it.
> 
> But he told you. If you want him to be honest, you have to make it safe for him to be honest. What you have taught him is that he had better not tell you anything because you will attack him for his honesty.
> 
> ...


Ele, I would tend to agree with you on this, however I had already read her other post about him...he is sleazy. I have no doubt in my mind that he was hoping to cover his own ass buying lingerie that HE wanted to get for this woman, by bringing it up to OP the way he did. He bought a previous AP jewelry. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/354193-can-my-husband-trusted.html

Loveontherocks, you deserve better than this man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



3Xnocharm said:


> Ele, I would tend to agree with you on this, however I had already read her other post about him...he is sleazy. I have no doubt in my mind that he was hoping to cover his own ass buying lingerie that HE wanted to get for this woman, by bringing it up to OP the way he did. He bought a previous AP jewelry.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/354193-can-my-husband-trusted.html
> 
> Loveontherocks, you deserve better than this man.


If he wanted to buy the woman some lingerie he could have just done it and not told his wife. How hard would that be to do? He's away from home for weeks at a time. He has plenty of opportunity to do things without telling her.

Is he sleazy? Well if he is, then why is she staying with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Loveontherocks said:


> @EleGirl I suppose he could but the thing is, there's a possibility I would see them in his suitcase before he leaves for the airport, or possibly a transaction.
> 
> That's exactly what I'll do for now, only thing is having to act super nice to him whilst I feel this way isn't easy.
> 
> ...


If he has a car, it means that he can get out to do things like buy lingerie if he wants. He could even use the car to hide them from you. Shoot he could even order the stuff and have it delivered to her. 

It is easy to hide a transaction. All he has to do is to withdraw some cash for the purchase. Not hard at all.

My point is that if he was going to buy her stuff, he most likely would have just bought it and kept it from you. It would not be hard at all.


Here is a thread for you to read that will help you figure out how to 'verify'.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I realize it's easy to pile on and say your husband is an idiot and cheating etc. etc. But this is your actual Life, OP, and people on TAM are just having fun ridiculing him. You have to live through this. So I not going to join the chorus and say he's cheating. 

Be cautious and monitor things, but also be open to the possibility that the OW is trying to reel him in and he's a bit clueless.

I've asked women to try on lingerie when I was younger (a garter belt - she put it in over her clothes though she was a bit astonished at first). I've known of friends who went to strip clubs with the guys, brought home lingerie, then traveled for work for a week, never having mentioned anything to the GF. And then was amazed she was freaking out all week assuming he was cheating. And another that bought crotchless panties with is guys and let the W know and she was horribly embarrassed and he didn't understand why.

Yes, when guys are completely innocent they are often also completely clueless how their actions could be perceived as shady. 

Just one guy's real life experiences with normal, but utterly clueless, guys.

And yes I've known dogs too. But you know your H's heart and we don't.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I realize it's easy to pile on and say your husband is an idiot and cheating etc. etc. But this is your actual Life, OP, and people on TAM are just having fun ridiculing him. You have to live through this. So I not going to join the chorus and say he's cheating.
> 
> Be cautious and monitor things, but also be open to the possibility that the OW is trying to reel him in and he's a bit clueless.
> 
> ...



@TheTruthHurts thank you so much for the kind words. I am genuinely torn, he could just be a bit of an idiot and think there's nothing to it.

I have toyed with the "was he buying it for her and worried in case I found out" but I'm sure there is ways and means he could've hidden this from me.

It's down to my trust issues relating to his past. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> If he has a car, it means that he can get out to do things like buy lingerie if he wants. He could even use the car to hide them from you. Shoot he could even order the stuff and have it delivered to her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks for that, I will look into all that.

You are right, it could be entirely innocent as I'm sure there are ways he could of kept it from me if he didn't want me to know.

I just wish I knew one way or the other so I could make a decision on where to go from here. 

I would never give him a third chance, no way, I couldn't put up with anymore of that nonsense. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*



3Xnocharm said:


> Ele, I would tend to agree with you on this, however I had already read her other post about him...he is sleazy. I have no doubt in my mind that he was hoping to cover his own ass buying lingerie that HE wanted to get for this woman, by bringing it up to OP the way he did. He bought a previous AP jewelry.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I know I do but as I've not caught him at anything at all I have no proof, so stuck in limbo. Just wish I knew because I genuinely don't know what to believe, he seems so convincing saying he had no part in it, she randomly asked this if him but when he says he doesn't know her name, now that part I can see though. 

So part of me thinks this time he could be being honest. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Loveontherocks, don't go down to his level.
> 
> 
> 
> Well, you could ask him to get her to buy some Lederhosen.




Oh I wouldn't lower myself...no matter how many times revenge has crossed my mind I would never become an easy girl just to get one over on him. 


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hmmm...going to break guy code but I would trust your instincts...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> Oh I wouldn't lower myself...no matter how many times revenge has crossed my mind I would never become an easy girl just to get one over on him.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh, but wait! I am having one of my evil ideas...

Ask him to get you some of these Bruno Lederhosen *and demand that he models them for you*! >


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@tailrider3 I plan to 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@MattMatt lol I actually laughed out loud then. 

Or I could tell him that when I was in the coffee shop this guy asked "do you mind if I sit here?" And even though the coffee shop was practically empty I'm pretty sure he just really liked that table and nothing else....see if my husband falls for that one 


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: husband asked to buy lingerie....be another woman*

I have to agree with you 100% on this. 

She may have been acting inappropriately by asking him to buy lingerie, but it seems that he did exactly the right thing. If he had wanted to keep it quiet, the OP would never have known anything. 

When a man is being tempted, I think it makes things worse to act in ways that might drive him away. If he feels "damned if you do, damned if you don't" he might well figure he might as well "do".

This is one of those situations where after the fact, he can probably think of all sorts of things he should have said, that would have politely turned her down. When it happens though, it can be difficult to come up with those clever thigns.





EleGirl said:


> I agree that the woman asking him to get her lingerie is most likely a come-on. She can order it.
> 
> But he told you. If you want him to be honest, you have to make it safe for him to be honest. What you have taught him is that he had better not tell you anything because you will attack him for his honesty.
> 
> ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

After you're cheated on, and you stay, it's very difficult to trust completely again because you now know what they're capable of. I didn't trust my gut reaction to get out after the first round of cheating (the first that I could prove anyway). I waited for the second smoking gun to get out. I got it -- but only 30 years after the first smoking gun occurred. There were other instances that I strongly suspected but didn't have a smoking gun for. I wish I had gone with my initial gut reaction and not wasted all those decades. 

My ex-husband was very, very good at lying and at minimizing -- so much so that I wouldn't leave after the first time (and he swore there wouldn't be a second time)'without totally conclusive proof for fear I was making a mistake and he really was innocent as he assured me he was. But the truth was that he wasn't innocent. And I can't get those years back. So my advice is always be vigilant. I wasn't. I wanted to believe him. And that can sometimes trap you. 

Just be careful.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@Openminded I do agree with they are damned if they do and are damned if they don't, as I was in a relationship with an abusive partner who always cheated and accused me of it so much that I often thought to myself I'd be as well just going out and doing it, get accused so may as well.

I'm sorry to hear how things panned out for you, that's such a waste of all those years. I'm sure it was devastating to find that out after sticking by him for 30 years.

I am like you, I need that proof before I act. The thing is my husband is so loving and caring with every other aspect of our marriage, does everything for me and if only I could trust him then things would be so much better.

I will be careful and look out for anymore warning signs. 


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