# Are there any true stories of long-term success when W has zero desire?



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

PLEASE, ONLY REAL EXPERIENCES. NO OPINIONS OR THEORIES. 

There are many different types of sexual issues in marriage, but for this thread I would like to limit it to a very narrow case:

_A husband in a long-term marriage (7+years) has a wife with very low or no desire (less than 10 times per year) for 1 year or more. Other than the lack of sex, the H considers the marriage good and wants to stay married. The H does *something* to improve the situation, and still considers the situation a success long-term (at least 1 year later)._

We often see threads here from husbands who have this problem. People offer helpful things to try, but I often feel like the advice is better suited to a short-term solution or for a dating situation. I have no doubt that much of the advice will improve things for a few weeks or months, but what about years and decades later? Was it losing a lot of weight? Starting to send flirty texts? Something else?

Any of you men who have been in this specific situation, fixed it, and still consider it a success years later, please share your stories. What did you do? What does your successful sex life look like? What do you continue to do to keep things successful? 

(Again, to keep things clear, please limit responses real life solutions to the specific situation presented here or discussions about those solutions.)


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Yes there are. Mine. The below post is from the summer of 2012. 





Amplexor said:


> Any one that knows my story will recall that my wife and I were in a very bad place a few years back, hit bottom, damn near divorced but journeyed to a very long but successful recovery. We are very strong as a couple today, committed and loving.
> 
> However our sexual drives are still a mismatch. We deal with the problem better than we used to but had made little progress. I understand my wife is in menopause which has lowered her previously high-drive. With menopause has come an increase in weight lowering her self esteem. And her job is very stressful leaving her exhausted at the end of the day. I am very empathetic to her feelings on all three but there are two people in the marriage.
> 
> A few months ago we had "that talk" again and again it took a familiar path. Stress, weight, drive... With empathy and respect I told her I understood all those reasons but that quite frankly she has done nothing to try and address them and that I didn't see this ever improving much over where it was today. I told we were going to try a different path this time. "For the next 60 days, I want you to submit yourself to me when I want sexual intimacy." My wife is extremely strong willed and independent of soul. Her icy blues flashed for a moment then she took her stare off of me, thought about it and responded, "That's not an unreasonable request." Initially she found it a bit awkward ("knowing she had to") but we settled into a very good pattern. My wife does enjoy sex when we get started so she was not being "dutiful" during it. Keep in mind, I am in my mid 50s so I'm not swinging wood five times a day any more. 2 or 3 times a week is more than sufficient for me. It put us in a good rhythm that has continued on passed the initial period. She has also begun to work out regularly and watching her diet more closely. When we went though our R one of the things we did was rebuild the foundation of the relationship and two areas we became much more successful at then we had been previously were communication and empathy. Both had a strong part in helping us improve this area of the marriage.


After 5 years, we have continued to be "in rhythm" with each other. I am now in my 60s so frequency is generally once or twice a week. Rejection remains rare. It is important to note that during that time, we were clicking on all cylinders in the relationship, with the exception of the sex life. Our communication, empathy, respect and love were all at very high levels. Had they not, her response could have been much different. As in "go screw yourself!" The trick was for us to both continue to meet each others needs with love and respect. If you can do that long term, most aspects of the marriage will be what you both want and desire.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Years ago my wife and I had serious issues and she specifically claimed she had "zero libido." This went on for years, but we worked on resolving it. 

Today for all practical purposes she and I are the same as when we had problems, but now understand each other and ourselves much better. We are much more accepting and loving towards one another with an understanding that we can't force the other person to change, but instead we try and find the value in how our personalities are diverse from one another and appreciate that as opposed to fighting about it. 

What does that mean when it comes to sex? Well it means I had to redefine my understanding of what I thought my wife needs from me in order to feel loved intimately. I also had to learn that her sexuality works very differently than mine. Just because we do not share the same feelings at the same times is not a reason for me to get upset and be concerned that something is wrong. Turns out we were both insecure about things and just projecting our insecurities onto one another. We have since worked on building each other's confidence and our own confidence. When something is not working, we know how to be playful about it as opposed to getting upset and emotional. 

Our intimate life has drastically improved, but it took a long time to progress to the point we are today. 

The first step for you would likely be to learn to accept that your spouse has zero desire simply because her sexuality does not work the way you or her may want it to. Start by asking what it is she needs from you in order to feel loved. Then work on adapting intimacy between the two of you to have the goal of accomplishing exactly that. In return you can ask her to do the same for you. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> I told we were going to try a different path this time. "For the next 60 days, I want you to submit yourself to me when I want sexual intimacy."
> ...
> *My wife does enjoy sex when we get started so she was not being "dutiful" during it.*


Do you think this was one of the keys to your success? That she enjoys it once you are started? Do you think it would have worked if she was indifferent (duty sex mode)?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

wilson said:


> _A husband in a long-term marriage (7+years) has a wife with very low or no desire (less than 10 times per year) for 1 year or more. Other than the lack of sex, the H considers the marriage good and wants to stay married. The H does *something* to improve the situation, and still considers the situation a success long-term (at least 1 year later)._


Do you want to hear from women in the exact same situation with the genders reversed?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I may me a moderate success story. 

I say moderate because she is a stubborn woman, and I simply drop the relationship/needs rope when she becomes this way. She gets to choose the level of our relationship engagement. I have found things to pursue to be okay with either choice.

Our frequency went from once a quarter to 1-2 times weekly, or about 3-5 times per month. Enthusiasm is much better most days. When enthusiasm is the opposite, I tell her that we both deserve better than that and I will turn her down after initiation.

Overall we are miles from where we were, and every now and again she will surprise me and initiate.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

wilson said:


> Do you think this was one of the keys to your success? That she enjoys it once you are started? Do you think it would have worked if she was indifferent (duty sex mode)?


Well it doesn't hurt, but I feel the biggest factor was meeting each other's needs. Our marriage tanked because we had quit doing that in the years before. It lead to a total disconnect between us and eventually to her LTEA. With the amount of work we had to do to right the ship, we are much more sensitive to each other's needs and avoiding our mistakes from the past. We saw how we neglected them and the marriage start to slip, gain momentum and go down the tank. The 60 day period was just a mechanism to get us in sync with each other sexually. It got her into a comfort level of having sex on a regular basis and me to not have to worry about rejection and resentment towards her. Once we got to that point and having been together for 30+ years, we know what each other likes in the sack so the sex is not one sided or dutiful. If it had turned into indifference and duty sex, I would have probably abandoned the sex life all together and written it off to "that's just the way it is". I certainly wouldn't leave her over it at this stage in our lives.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> Do you want to hear from women in the exact same situation with the genders reversed?


I'm sorry, but not right now. I'm know your situation is common as well, but I suspect the reasons for it and approaches to fix it would be different when the genders are reversed. I'm hoping this thread stays on track as long as possible, so I'd like to keep narrowly-focused for now. Thanks though.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

After having two kids, my wife was making up excuses, fully avoiding sex, claiming no desire, pretending to be asleep etc. We argued about this for a couple of years until I had enough. Went six months with zero sex and probably had sex twice in a year (really really bad and frustrating for me).

We went to see a counselor who was more of a sex counselor. I talked to her first. She said the exact same things that I had been saying to my wife. Because it came from a third party, it seemed to sink in.

We've been in a much better rythem for a few years now. It is way way better.

It can be done but she has to realize that you're entitled to want a good sex life.

I think my wife was previously "reactive desire" where she liked it once it got going but felt like it was just another demand on her.

Through the counselor she saw the positive impact it had on our relationship and made the right changes.

She was the type of person that didn't want to admit she was wrong and the counselor forced her to.

Seems like an uncommon resolution to these types of issues though.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My situation also required interventions from 3rd party professionals.

We had basically lived the porno life for many years. An expected dip occured when the kids came but after the youngest was a couple years old things picked up and were good again for awhile.

Then several years ago in the course of a couple months she went from porn start to raving beeotch and her libido fell off the cliff. Any attempt at discussion about turned ugly on her end in about 2 seconds and some terrible, distructive fights ensued.

I was left thinking she had either completely fallen out of love with me, was having an affair, or that I had done something terrible that wasn't telling me.

Not only was there a lack of intimacy but she was such a beeotch to me I was getting ready to pack up.

We finally had the big blow up and I got a hotel for a couple nights and we had a few days of in-house separation after that. 

The straw that broke the camels back was we were alternating nights in the hotel room and I would now allow her access to the kids the night I had them at the house. I told her if she was fantasizing about a divorce then she would need to get used to not having free access to the kids on my custodial days. 

Some people will consider that fighting dirty, but if she wanted to be a single mom, she might as well see what being a single mom would be like.

That brought her to the negotiating table and we sought a counselor. After one session the counselor told her she had a medical or psychiatric problem and to see a doctor ASAP. 

It took going to a few different doctors but an internal med doctor diagnosed her with PreMenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder. In short, she was "stuck" in PMS 24/7. 

That physician was able to get in her face and tell her that if she did not treat this that I would divorce her with with just cause and that she would probably also lose her job for being a beeotch and that some people have even ended up in mental facilities and even jail.

She had a uterine ablation which burned out the lining of her uterus ending her menstrual periods forever and she was placed on hormone therapy for awhile. 

After a few months the wicked witch did go away and her normal personality resumed. And while she was on the hormones her libido did return.

There's more to the story of course but this is the gist of it and the moral to this story is always look for a medical/physiological and/or a psychological cause first. 

But I do want to point out that end the end, as you look back through these stories, the one common factor you will always see is that these people were faced with the very real probability of losing their homes, marriages and 24/7 access to their children before the faced up to the issues and took any steps to address them.

Conversations, date nights and extra help with the housework etc did nothing. Sometimes things have to be blown up before they are addressed in any meaningful manner.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now I want to point out a very important distinction that cannot be overlooked.

In my situation and in some of the others being described, the was an active and satisfying marital sex life in place prior to something changing it. 

In cases where there was never any degre of intimacy or passion and where the sexuality was always lacking and was always lackluster, the success rate of that is negligible. 

Sometimes attraction and desire can be brought back to some degree if a medical/physiological condition pops up that can be treated and sometimes it can be brought back after the kids are older and people can get a grip on the bills and housework and busy schedules and the other things of life that get people bogged down.

But very very rarely is there much hope if someone has always been LD and always had a high degree of inhibition and never had a true sexual attraction to their partner. 

Sometimes you can resuscitate that which was previously alive, but rarely can one breathe life into that which was never alive to begin with.

These guys with the uptight, LD girlfriends that think a wedding ring and wedding party will turn their librarian into pornstars will have a world of disappointment ahead of them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And finally I want to make mention of a few other things.

If you go to Athol Kay's "Married Man Sexlife" forums, you will see some true success stories of where guys were having lackluster duty sex a few times a year to where they now have acceptably active sex lives currently. 

However as you read through those stories you will also see some common themes.

A major one is what I mentioned before in that many of those marriages were at the very brink of destruction. In a good number of cases the couple was actually separated and some even divorced and the guy was was actively dating others before the wife came back to the negotiating table.

And the other common themes are that the guys changed themselves significantly. 

Many started working out and losing significant amounts of weight (or out on muscle mass if they were previously scrawny). They started dressing better and grooming and styling better. 

And many also became more professionally successful and improved their professional and financial status and lifestyle. 

In the end, they may have won their wife's attraction and desire, but they had to transform themselves and then nearly end their marriages to do it.

*****ing and whining and complaining did not fix it. Conversations and discussions did not fix anything for more than a week. Date nights did not fix it. Extra household chores or time with the kids did not fix it. And in many cases trips to the MC did not fix it.

Changing themselves into that man that the wife would desire and then destabilizing if not blowing up their marriage is what ultimately made the difference.

If you spend time on that site, you will read success stories. It can and does happen.

But for every success story, there are many more where it fell short and only negligible if any difference was made.

On many instances the wife wanted the current status quo and any attempt to change things resulting in her walking away.

In cases of the wife having a secret affair, nothing can be done to improve the marital Sexlife as long as she is getting it elsewhere.

And in some cases, once the guy lost the beer gut and was dressing and looking better, he opted for the other women that became available to him and desired him now rather than waiting for the LD wife that had rejected him for years to come around.

IMHO the key is in how much passion and desire was in the early days of the relationship. 

If it was hot and active and passionate, there may be a chance to get at least a certain percentage of that back. 

If there was never any passion or desire on her part, you're probably barking up the wrong tree.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> And finally I want to make mention of a few other things.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That website closed down in December 2016. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Thanks for the info. I'll have to take a look at that. I suspect that it may be challenging to find the success stories since many of those lucky people may have went on their merry way once the problem was fixed.


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