# Who has the better parenting plan?



## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

My attorney is and has told me that the judge is going to more than likely side with whomever has the better parenting plan, if the STBEX and I would not agree to something prior to trial.

My background: Active military. I work the typical business hours during the day. I am asking that time share with the kids be split 50/50, one full week with me, and the next full week with her, and so on. During the times I have the kids, I can put them in before and after care, so there are no issues there.


STBEX background: Self-employed. Has agents that work for her. She is fortunate enough with her business that she does not have to work very much at all to make a very good income. She is able to personally take the kids to school and personally pick them up. 

My attorney is suggesting that my STBEX has the better parenting plan because of her being able to personally drop off/pick up, and so on. And with that, he is suggesting that the judge, if we go to trial, is more likely to side with her on the time share.

For those of you with experience, is that the case?

My “parenting plan” is limited because I work during the day like most other workers in this world. 

Should my STBEX be given more privileges and placed higher on the parenting food chain because the cards she was dealt with regards to her job, allows this?


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

I have limited knowledge on this, but from what I have read and observed with friends, I think that judge's have been going more toward the 50/50 split for kids in order to try to look out for the best interests of the children involved.

I hope things work out for you.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

What is your STBX asking for in her parenting plan?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She has more discretionary time to spend with the kids and she isn't subject to deployments, schools, reassignments, TDY, etc. Her environment offers more stability. Spending one week here, one week there, doesn't sound like a stable environment for a kid. If you're Active Duty, you might work typical business days at present but that could change tomorrow for a whole host of reasons. Your wife owns her business. She really has no boss. You have a whole string of them stretching all the way to the President and any one of them can change your work hours or conditions. Is there any point on the earth's surface that you couldn't conceivably find yourself in a month from now?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

emptyinside882 said:


> My attorney is and has told me that the judge is going to more than likely side with whomever has the better parenting plan, if the STBEX and I would not agree to something prior to trial.
> 
> My background: Active military. I work the typical business hours during the day. I am asking that time share with the kids be split 50/50, one full week with me, and the next full week with her, and so on. During the times I have the kids, I can put them in before and after care, so there are no issues there.
> 
> ...


Remember... It's not about you or your wife. It's about this kids.

Look up the state laws on divorce and joint parenting. They will clearly state what criteria a judge in your state should be using to determine the terms of a joint parenting agreement. In almost every instance, a judge will looking after the best interests of the children, not the parents.

The common things judges will be considering...


The wishes of the parents.
The wishes of the children, based on age and mental maturity.
How each parent interacts with the children.
How well the child is adjusted to his home, school and community.
The mental health of the parents and children.
The potential for abuse, or a history of abuse.
The willingness of either parent to foster a positive relationship between the child and the other parent.
Criminal charges -- especially sex offenses -- against either parent.

In general, judges prefer to keep the status quo, and they prefer to give children stability.

So, yes, given the circumstances, if it goes to court and your wife asks for it, she is more likely to have more time with the kids than you. It's not necessarily because she has a "better plan", it's because she can provide a more stable environment for them to grow up in.

And if she has a lawyer with half a brain, she will know that too.

Therefore, if you want as much time with your kids as you're hoping, it would be in your best interest to come up with a plan to negotiate with your wife and get her to agree to that much time for you.

Right now, your having the same problem as my AXW is... When it comes to your children, you are thinking adversarially and looking out for your own best interests. You should be thinking cooperatively for the best interests of your kids.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

northernlights said:


> What is your STBX asking for in her parenting plan?


She is asking to have the kids during the school week including overnights and have them one weekend a month. I will get them 3 weekends a month per her parenting plan.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

emptyinside882 said:


> She is asking to have the kids during the school week including overnights and have them one weekend a month. I will get them 3 weekends a month per her parenting plan.


How old are your kids?


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

​


unbelievable said:


> She has more discretionary time to spend with the kids and she isn't subject to deployments, schools, reassignments, TDY, etc. Her environment offers more stability. Spending one week here, one week there, doesn't sound like a stable environment for a kid. If you're Active Duty, you might work typical business days at present but that could change tomorrow for a whole host of reasons. Your wife owns her business. She really has no boss. You have a whole string of them stretching all the way to the President and any one of them can change your work hours or conditions. Is there any point on the earth's surface that you couldn't conceivably find yourself in a month from now?


Your right about deployments, however, in 16 yts in the military, ive been deployed twice. 

Being military aside, I am confused as to why you would say spending one week here, one week there doesnt sound like a stable environment for a kid??


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> How old are your kids?


6 and 4


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Do the weekends include Friday nights? 

I think you should propose that you pick up the kids from her place after work on Friday and you drop them off at school on Monday morning, and she gets them weekdays. That seems a lot more fair to me, but still gives the judge a chance to acknowledge that she has more work flexibility to take them straight home from school, which I'd think the kids would prefer (just a guess though). Plus you should ask for however many vacation weeks you get, because she'd still be getting them 2/3 of the time even on a Friday night to Monday morning split.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Do the weekends include Friday nights?
> 
> I think you should propose that you pick up the kids from her place after work on Friday and you drop them off at school on Monday morning, and she gets them weekdays. That seems a lot more fair to me, but still gives the judge a chance to acknowledge that she has more work flexibility to take them straight home from school, which I'd think the kids would prefer (just a guess though). Plus you should ask for however many vacation weeks you get, because she'd still be getting them 2/3 of the time even on a Friday night to Monday morning split.


Yes, the weekends include friday nights.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Empty, the only way you'll get 50/50 is if she agrees and even if you and her both want that the judge will try to talk you out of it. Reason is that kids need a primary home whether it's yours or hers and the judge will determine that hers is better because she's more stable. By stable I mean there's no risk of her being deployed but there is for you. You can tell the judge that's not the case until you're blue in the face but it will not change that you don't own your stability. The Armed services do.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Weekends including Friday nights will give you a ton of awake hours with the kids. You have to figure that if they're at school all day, you only get to interact with them from pickup to bedtime. How many hours per day is that for you? Three? I'd add it all up. My guess is that you'd have only slightly more awake hours with them on a one week on, one week off plan (your ideal) than you would with an every weekend Friday after school to Monday morning plan.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

emptyinside882 said:


> 6 and 4


So, I'm in sort of a similar situation to you, but in reverse and my kids are much older. I done a lot of research on custody schedules, and here's some of what I've found:

First, if both you and your wife can agree on a schedule, it will tend to carry a lot of weight with a judge. It also shows that the two of you are willing and able to work together for the best interests of the kids, which will make the judge happy.

Now, if the two of you are both in agreement over a shared custody schedule, then for younger kids, like yours, it is generally considered best to have shorter periods with each parent... Younger kids don't do as well being away from a parent for lengthy periods of time. Something like a 5-2-2-5 or 4-3-3-4 schedule is common.

What your wife is suggesting is not necessarily a bad idea. Remember that during the school year the kids will be in school all day on the weekdays, and that during the summer your wife will still have to find time to work during the week.

I would recommend Northernlights's suggestion... make sure that the weekend goes from Friday afternoon (you can pick them up after school, when they are in school) until Monday morning (you send them off to school, when they are in school).

Also, ask for a "right of first refusal" clause... Meaning, if you or your STBXW are scheduled to have the kids, but cannot be there to watch and care for them, then the other parent gets first dibs with kids, before they go to a sitter or daycare. Plus, that provides for the times when you're deployed... STBXW just takes over.

In my situation, our kids are 13 and almost 15, and I'm the one with the regular schedule -- 7:00 to 3:30, Mon - Fri. AXW works retail, so her schedule is erratic (her two days off can be either Mon, Tues or Wed), it changes from week to week, she never know her work schedule more than two weeks in advance, she usually works late into the evening, and she works practically every weekend. If it went before a judge, I'd likely get primary physical custody of the kids.

I've proposed a lot of 50/50 schedules to her that would work just fine, but she's stuck on one that gives her an extra day every week: M-T-W for her, T-F for me, and then we alternate weekends.

So, to keep things moving forward, and save some lawyer money, I agreed to it, but I'm likewise insisting on a right of first refusal... Most weeks, that'll get back one evening during the weekdays and two afternoons or evenings on the weekends she has the kids, which should more than make it back up to a 50/50 time split.

Good Luck.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

emptyinside882 said:


> My attorney is and has told me that the judge is going to more than likely side with whomever has the better parenting plan, if the STBEX and I would not agree to something prior to trial.
> 
> My background: Active military. I work the typical business hours during the day. I am asking that time share with the kids be split 50/50, one full week with me, and the next full week with her, and so on. During the times I have the kids, I can put them in before and after care, so there are no issues there.
> 
> ...




Can't you just work it out together that's what we do. Best and happiest outcomes to by far according to all the research. Especially for the kids and they're the biggest thing here first up.

This is so hard on the kids , it's our fkg bs - forced down their throat and that they'll - thanks to us , have to spend the rest of their childhood dealing with and living two separate lives.
Gotta make it as best as we can for them we reckon .
So my d's main home base is with her mum , but I can come and go when ever I want to see her and if she;s not too tired she comes out to my place for most weekends, holidays and stuff too.
She has all her friends out at my place to , stay overs too . We do our best to keep it as easy and fair as possible on her and try to keep it as real as poss too.

I hate this **** and I'm so sorry that my daughter has to live with our crap But this works really well and it's no hassle at all for her or us - well in this way anyway.

The thing that is hard, well apart from going through this bs in the first place , is going to x's new place.
I hate it , not like this , but it's just not fair asking my daughter to what - split homes through the week too , it's not fair on her , that's too much.

My girls 11 . She's trying really hard tp adapt to this , I'm so so proud of her.
For some reason she was having a lot of trouble coming over if it was a Friday night though for awhile.
So we asked her what about Sat mornings instead . So she's been trying that for about 2 mths now and she's doing so well, so proud of her.
I can have her anytime really and often if she's having a day of I go grab her because I work from home and she comes over and just hangs out.
I think the Friday nights were just too much on top of the school week for her. She needed to just be still and chill for awhile first l think.
It's a shame l miss DFriday nights with her but it's a lot to ask anyway of her so that's cool.
I seem to get more time anyway now because she's fresher and often up to staying longer these days , especially on the holidays


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

First of all, thanks for your service.



emptyinside882 said:


> She is asking to have the kids during the school week including overnights and have them one weekend a month. I will get them 3 weekends a month per her parenting plan.


Basically you work all week and then have your kids nearly every weekend? I'm sorry, how is this an equitable schedule? This amount of time is basically a state minimum parenting plan AND you will most likely get hammered with child support.

You have 16 years in, so realistically you only need 4 more years to reach minimum retirement. (Only 2 deployments in that time? Must be AF) Some of your argument will depend on your future plans. Are you in a position that you could homestead till 20 or are you planning to do 20+? For instance, if you can make a reasonable agrument that you are on your twilight tour and will not be moving/deploying, you could convince a judge that a 50/50 plan is very doable. 

Research your current states divorce and family law and case files if you have time. Develop a plan for the future on how you will parent your children. Have a plan for normal day-to-day parenting, have a plan in case of deployment, have an alternate plan in case plan A is not agreeable to your stbx. You want to have a plan for the what-if questions that a judge might ask. Be prepared with well thought out, articulate, and easy to read plans you can submit. Good documentation is key. What is your current schedule? Status quo will play a big part.

As for parenting plans, a lot of states are moving to a 50/50 plan because they [finally] realize that kids do better with BOTH parents in their life instead of just a majority of one. Just because your stbx has more discretionary time available should have no bearing. The judge (if you get to that point) is _supposed_ to be looking out for the best interests of the children. A well thought out schedule, that does not have the kids moving to much, but spending nearly equal time with both parents will win the day.

Make sure you fight for 50/50 now instead of later. Once the status quo is set, it is very hard to change down the road. Don't listen your your stbx about how she can get the kids to school, be home when they are, and blah, blah, blah. Lots of divorced people who work have 50/50 and the kids are just fine. Mine are doing very well in life and school and we use a 2-2-5-5 schedule. Kids like a routine and once you have a parenting plan in place, it will not take long for them to get in synch. 

Yes you in the military, but that should not prevent you from parenting your children. Have a plan. If necessary, have a couple of plans in your final agreement that covers contingencies or a clause that the plan will be redone once you are retired. Don't get the short end of the stick.


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