# Strange Thought



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I just read an article on another website talking about the "Dumper's Point of View."

I've wondered does anyone think about the feelings of what the other person has gone through?

I personally don't care right now, but that's because it's still too fresh for me.


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

My ex-gf, who ended it with me, told me that the break is difficult for her too, but I can't seem to understand how it could be difficult for her when she is the one that ended it. It seems it would be time for her to jump in joy. I know I am being a bit close-minded, but still, she can't be hurting nearly as much as me.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

I've considered my STBXW's feelings about not wanting to be together. Not entirely unwarrented, although I wish she would have worked with me to see if we could revive the relationship.

What I can't get my head around is the way she left. Instead of minimizing the damage, especially to the kids, she was, IMHO, very selfish about it. That's the part that I don't understand and don't think I ever will.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Often a spouse who leaves is in great anguish over it. It can hurt very badly. But sometimes we have to listen to our head (brain) and not our heart.

If a person rules their lives by emotions alone they can end up staynig in very bad situations for a life time. 

I speak from experience.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

The one thing I would say that the person who leaves (dumper) doesn't have to deal with is the immense feeling of rejection that the dumpee feels. I speak from personally experience. What my wife did to me has made me question everything about me.


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

Yeah my heart bleeds for the NOT majority are selfish and want want want. Emotional zombie is what i wanna be👃
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I agree with Proud. Sure they can hurt too...and much of that is often because of GUILT, loss, and change.

However, it's not a feeling of rejection. Of being unwanted and tossed away like trash. They hurt sure....but it's a much less significant caliber of hurt compared to the dumpee.

The dumper is also very unsympathetic to that too...at least mine was. She literally told me to "stop playing the victim" about the situation lol.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yep, I've been told that too....that boy it must be nice to have everyone feel sorry for you, to be the victim.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I was not told about being a victim. I was told... 


This will be good for both of us.
You'll find someone else.
I'm just not happy.
I don't want to hurt you anymore.
Sounds familiar to some of you I'm sure.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

canguy66 said:


> I was not told about being a victim. I was told...
> 
> 
> This will be good for both of us.
> ...


I like the first one....don't understand it, but like it....."rolling my eyes". Yes, the past 13 months have been very good for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> I agree with Proud. Sure they can hurt too...and much of that is often because of GUILT, loss, and change.
> 
> However, it's not a feeling of rejection. Of being unwanted and tossed away like trash. They hurt sure....but it's a much less significant caliber of hurt compared to the dumpee.
> 
> The dumper is also very unsympathetic to that too...at least mine was. She literally told me to "stop playing the victim" about the situation lol.


Omg....my husband said that about stop playing the victim. He's just as much of a victim too. I also heard, I'm not happy how this all turned out for me. Wtf....he made the decision to leave....he choose not to talk to me....he choose to divorce....how did I make that decision for him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Often a spouse who leaves is in great anguish over it. It can hurt very badly. But sometimes we have to listen to our head (brain) and not our heart.
> 
> If a person rules their lives by emotions alone they can end up staynig in very bad situations for a life time.
> 
> I speak from experience.


You sound like my husband. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

omg that is all I hear now...how I'm trying to make him feel guilty if I mention anything to do with being hurt or the kids....I get told to stop using the kids to get to him....and told by his sister to 'woman up'...that I'm not the first to get her heart broken. :scratchhead:




> The dumper is also very unsympathetic to that too...at least mine was. She literally told me to "stop playing the victim" about the situation lol.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Often a spouse who leaves is in great anguish over it. It can hurt very badly. But sometimes we have to listen to our head (brain) and not our heart.
> 
> If a person rules their lives by emotions alone they can end up staynig in very bad situations for a life time.
> 
> I speak from experience.


thank you ele, so true! i only wish my stbx could write a post like that someday.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> omg that is all I hear now...how I'm trying to make him feel guilty if I mention anything to do with being hurt or the kids....I get told to stop using the kids to get to him....and told by his sister to 'woman up'...that I'm not the first to get her heart broken. :scratchhead:


Tell your sister in law to go f*ck herself.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> omg that is all I hear now...how I'm trying to make him feel guilty if I mention anything to do with being hurt or the kids....I get told to stop using the kids to get to him....and told by his sister to 'woman up'...that I'm not the first to get her heart broken. :scratchhead:


Insane! Wait we aren't talking about sane people - my bad! 
Don't you just wonder what these H tell their friends/family in order to get such a crazy remark? 

I do talk to my sister(and she tells my BIL) we all realize it's just my version of it. my perception = my reality... so they give me their advice and try never to say anything they will regret later if things change. I do realize and my IC points it out too that I defend him all the time... I guess I love him so _I can forgive for now. _


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Tell your sister in law to go f*ck herself.


Oh I would of loved to but she like her brother hangs up the phone as soon as they have their say or msg something online and then block me....so grown up...the whole crazy crew of em. She lives at home with the parents as well as my stbxh now....she is 48 and he is 42....things that make you say hmmmmm.......


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

melissa68 said:


> Oh I would of loved to but she like her brother hangs up the phone as soon as they have their say or msg something online and then block me....so grown up...the whole crazy crew of em. She lives at home with the parents as well as my stbxh now....she is 48 and he is 42....things that make you say hmmmmm.......


Maybe they were raised to where they could never leave their family home. That does sound pretty dysfunctional.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

canguy66 said:


> I was not told about being a victim. I was told...
> 
> 
> This will be good for both of us.
> ...


:iagree:

inside some ex's mind: ... which is why I want to be friends and never act like it(not that you should). Why I let you know I have been asked out by people. I confide in you because it is so easy.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Maybe they were raised to where they could never leave their family home. That does sound pretty dysfunctional.


that sounds familiar


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

I am the "dumper" so to say, and before I did it I put up with about 8 years of serious unhappiness (we have been married 16 years). We had been to counseling about 5 years ago and thought things had changed, but he reverted back to his "old ways" after a year or so. I am afraid to live my life unhappy, it makes me feel like i cant breath when i think of feeling like this still 10 years down the road. I took a year of getting on meds for depression and some serious thinking to come to the decision to leave. We agreed on this together and are still seeking counseling while living apart. I dont know how it will work out. I have not done anything malicious, and I do feel badly for both of us. Fortunately the children are doing well. I do feel badly for the spouses who are faced with this, especially if it is sudden and unexpected. It is not an easy road, and I can see both perspectives........


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah, really neat when they get to run to someone else's arms to get through this, all the while I am here trying to figure out why I was not enough. 

Rejection, especially when it is in your face daily, is a feeling they get to skip until they leave the fog and we do not take them back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sadwithouthim said:


> You sound like my husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is that? What was the situation when he left?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OP's question is a bit hard to answer since there are many reasons for leaving or 'dumping' one's spouse. Sometimes the one who does the 'dumping' has a very legitimate reason for leaving the marriage. And they often do go through a lot of anguish over doing it.

Not all 'dumpers' are cold hearted cheaters.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

And not all dumpers move out of the house~ they just find a way to eject the dumpee, and then go on about the task of trying to ruin their lives!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> And not all dumpers move out of the house~ they just find a way to eject the dumpee, and then go on about the task of trying to ruin their lives!


Do you consider a person who has legitimate reasons for leaving a marriage a dumper?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you consider a person who has legitimate reasons for leaving a marriage a dumper?


As I see it, "dumpers" can definitely come in two distinct varieties: (1) those whose actions are totally responsible and justifiable in either leaving the spouse or sending the spouse hastily on their way, or (2) it can be one of the unrighteous ejection of a spouse from the home for reasons known only to them and God.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It seems the word 'dumper' itself may signify a particular type of person :
unrighteous ejection of a spouse from the home for reasons known only to them and God. (arbitrator)
Yeah, really neat when they get to run to someone else's arms to get through this, all the while I am here trying to figure out why I was not enough. (Traggy)
I want to be friends and never act like it(not that you should). Why I let you know I have been asked out by people. I confide in you because it is so easy (agast84)
Instead of minimizing the damage, especially to the kids, she was, IMHO, very selfish about it. (papa5280)
She literally told me to "stop playing the victim" about the situation lol. (CSeryllum)

My STBXH has tried to get me to feel sorry for him because our split is one of the 3 most stressful things he's ever been through -- since this was avoidable, and the other 2 weren't, I am hard pressed to be sympathetic. Coming to a decision and going through the grieving process, without ever working with the other spouse to try to salvage or improve the situation (or even letting the other spouse know that you are THAT unhappy) is not something I can feel sorry for. There are at least two people involved -- more if the couple has children -- and, absence an abusive situation that will likely not change, both spouses owe it to the family to give it every chance before one decides it's just not working for him or her. I just don't understand the logic of it: the couple loved each other enough to vow to be together til death, but when things get rocky, one would rather go through the destruction of the entire family than to take a gamble that, with work, they could be happy again! Nobody wants to live an unhappy life -- including the 'dumpee'!! It's like the dumper becomes obsessed that the only way they will be happy is to completely destroy everything that represents their marriage. My STBXH has increasingly engaged in 'splitting' or black/white thinking: every time I talk to him, our problems and his dissatisfaction go back further in time. It has gone from ILYBINILWY, to 'I haven't even found you physically attractive for years' (during which time he was saying I love you, You are beautiful and/or sexy, and we still had an active sex life). It may be a defense mechanism for him (which is what my IC thinks), but when every memory is now tainted and the mind movies I see are not only him with OW, but him with ME, sympathy is extremely difficult.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> It seems the word 'dumper' itself may signify a particular type of person :
> unrighteous ejection of a spouse from the home for reasons known only to them and God. (arbitrator)
> Yeah, really neat when they get to run to someone else's arms to get through this, all the while I am here trying to figure out why I was not enough. (Traggy)
> I want to be friends and never act like it(not that you should). Why I let you know I have been asked out by people. I confide in you because it is so easy (agast84)
> ...


A lot of common sense there, Angelpixie! I have those same countless gut-turning premonitions of my STBXW.


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