# I love him, but don't LIKE the man he is



## BeTheManPlease (Jul 2, 2012)

I've never posted a new thread, but have been reading here for quite awhile just as a sort of therapy to assure myself that I'm not alone, and that it could be worse.

I've been married for almost 2 years, but I would say it started falling apart the first month. The very day we returned from our honeymoon, we went to lunch, and my daughter (then 14) was as the table. She needed to call my son, and neither of us had our phones on us, so we used my husbands. Going through his contacts to scroll to my son, I saw a nearby name and said "Oh, I know a Lisa H....." And then said "Is she a teacher?" "Does she live in xxx?" Did she go to xxx school?" All concluded it was the same girl. His response was that was someone I met before I met you. (4 years ago) I didn't get into it with my daughter at the table, but it kept eating at me. After 4 years of dating, he never thought once to tell me the girl he dated RIGHT BEFORE me went to the very same high school and graduated the very same year (I'm 48 btw)?? Is that not odd? The more questions I asked, the more I just felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I'll will give him this, he was honest then. 

Turns out he had been seeing her as a "friend" the ENTIRE time we dated. He lived 60 miles from me and we didn't spend a lot of time together when I had my kids there, and I didn't think this church-going devout Christian (as I am as well) would be deceptive and never questioned it. He said he finally told her that he couldn't go out (even as friends) with her anymore, WHEN HE BOUGHT MY ENGAGEMENT RING. 

She said she felt betrayed. Why would she feel betrayed if nothing ever went on? He swears they never kissed except early on when he took her out and she set it straight right then that she wasn't after that with him. So what gives? They saw each other once a week or every other week for dinner and movies for 4 years!! And never said anything to me or her....

Soo......I KNOW my husband is socially a little backwards. He's smart, stable, and loves his family. But, he was 50 when we married, and that was his first marriage and really didn't have many girlfriends past the first few dates his whole life.

So now that we're married and trying to make the best of what is already done, I feel so trapped. and bored out of my head.

He grew up in a nice stable family like me, but our differences are huge and he is so inflexible. 
*Breakfast is the same thing every day, 6 on weekdays and 8 on weekends. No exceptions. 
*Only whole milk.
*Only green beans his mother has grown in her garden
*Only "peas" his mother has grown
*Vegetables get cooked with lard - no exceptions
*He wants a fresh meal, from scratch on the table every night. *Will not eat the leftovers. Ever
*Lists only acceptable meals as steak, fried chicken (in lard), chicken and dumplings, chicken or beef enchiladas, prime rib, spagetti, lasagna. That's it. All with the required 3-4 side dishes and dessert.
*only Thomas' bagels. Only Philly WHIPPED cream cheese.
*I pack a lunch for work while he goes out EVERY single day. EVERY SINGLE DAY

The list goes on, but you get the drift. The funny thing is, food is the biggest argument. Isn't that silly? But if the potato isn't big enough, he wants a special trip to the store before dinner to get better ones. If something isn't exactly the way he wants for a meal (And NO substitutions, certain things go with each other always...not hamburgers and fries one time and hamburgers and macaroni and cheese another) he makes a special trip or sends me to the grocery for one little thing.

I grew up in an affluent family, but still learned to cook with what was there, be creative, don't waste, and it was fine. he grew up with little money, but seems now he wants only the best of everything even though we don't earn like that.

So aside from the food, it's the entitlement factor that's next
*He ddrove a BMW when we got married. We were constantly in need of a truck so he trades his good car in for one. Plus the payment was huge for the BMW. He traded it for a truck that was 3 years newer than the BMW and just as much! While I drive the older car still.

*I come home from church with a little boy from Swaziland that I "adopted" for $30/month and he complains we don't have the money, yet the very next day I see an envelope where he was mailing a check with a year's subsciption for SIRIUS radio for his truck to continue (@$250?) This is the same truck where he just let sit for a month without driving because it was too big to park at his work and was taking my son's car while he was away at college. So we can't help an orphan in Africa, but we can pay for satellite radio for a vehicle you don't drive?

* His "full" time work week is 37.5 hours and makes fairly decent money. I make the same amount, but my "salaried" work usually requires 50-60 hrs/week this past year....but every night he comes home from work, he sits in front of the tv. I get home, and go immediately to the kitchen to cook, call him when it's ready, he comes out expressionless, gives one word answers to questions, then he gets up, rinses off only his plate and silverware, and goes back to the tv. Every once in awhile if I grumble he will help clean up, but only for about 3 minutes top until he sneaks out.

I asked what his jobs were as the man? Outside. Snow....he bought a $800 snow blower. Yard? he bought a $2000 riding mower (for 1/3 acre!!)

And my kids.....that's a whole different ball game....for another post. The jist is that they should do everything.....because they're kids. Though he didn't when he was a kid.

Last, but not least. Sex. He complains we never have it (jokes in front of friends without hesitation), but I initiated it the last 6 months every time. And half of that time we never did it because he couldn't well, you know. I made him ask the doctor for medications, and he took the last time about a year ago, and I complimented him on how good it was....and then he stopped taking them because "we never have it anyway?"

Please help. Am I just petty? Is he an ass? Can it be fixed?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeTheManPlease said:


> he was 50 when we married, and that was his first marriage and really didn't have many girlfriends past the first few dates his whole life.


This was a huge red flag you ignored to your detriment.


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## BeTheManPlease (Jul 2, 2012)

Mavash,
I think you might be right. However at the time he was the perfect boyfriend. I didn't see any problems with his personality. He took me out every week. He was responsible, and his friends all loved him and sang his praises. 

I was an independent single mom for 10 years and needed my space in dating and needed to give my kids the attention they needed as well, and honestly didn't see any of this until after we were married. 

I was a singles ministry leader for years, and had seen many success stories for people who married for the first time later in life. My bad, huh?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeTheManPlease said:


> I was a singles ministry leader for years, and had seen many success stories for people who married for the first time later in life. My bad, huh?


Many? Really? Did these people date? Were they 50? Why did they wait?

How long did YOU date him before marrying him?


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## BeTheManPlease (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah, a few were in their 50's. Some in their 40's. 1st timers usually with 2nd timers. WE dated 4 years. Like I mentioned, he lived 60 miles away so it was usually just a night on the weekend since we worked far apart and I had kids with busy lives. I*didn't care....that was perfect for me and had never been insecure about the time away.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BeTheManPlease said:


> *Only whole milk.
> *Only green beans his mother has grown in her garden
> *Only "peas" his mother has grown
> *Vegetables get cooked with lard - no exceptions
> ...


This really hit me. Good grief, this is one of the unhealthiest diets I've ever heard of. It rates right up there with eating fast food all the time. Is he overweight? Peas cooked in lard? YACK!

If he eats like this everyday, he's a walking heart attack. Sounds like a mommy's boy too.

Frankly, I'd tell him to cook his own slop for dinner. Seriously. You are working longer hours, yet he sits around on his butt waiting for you to come home and make dinner from scratch. Don't do it. Then let him throw a fit. Or, better yet, let his mom cook his dinner. 

Is he an a$$? JMO, but yeah.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeTheManPlease said:


> Like I mentioned, he lived 60 miles away so it was usually just a night on the weekend since we worked far apart and I had kids with busy lives.


Another mistake. You married someone you didn't know. One night a week even for 4 years won't show you someone's true character. He was able to HIDE it from you. He knew who he was and you were the first one he was able to con into staying.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

> *Breakfast is the same thing every day, 6 on weekdays and 8 on weekends. No exceptions.
> *Only whole milk.
> *Only green beans his mother has grown in her garden
> *Only "peas" his mother has grown
> ...


Most of this doesn't seem like a problem. Whoever cooks gets to choose the meal. I drink cow milk and my gf drinks soy milk. I don't care about beans or peas or vegetables. If he doesn't want left overs, he can go ahead and cook something. 




> But if the potato isn't big enough, he wants a special trip to the store before dinner to get better ones. If something isn't exactly the way he wants for a meal (And NO substitutions, certain things go with each other always...not hamburgers and fries one time and hamburgers and macaroni and cheese another) he makes a special trip or sends me to the grocery for one little thing.


Refuse to make special trips. If he wants bigger potatoes, he can go get them.



> I grew up in an affluent family, but still learned to cook with what was there, be creative, don't waste, and it was fine. he grew up with little money, but seems now he wants only the best of everything even though we don't earn like that.


So basically he has schizophrenia. The aliens have convinced him that he has money, and he trusts the aliens more than he trusts bank statements. I really wish I knew how to fix this issue. One of my friends is like that, and it's frustrating to watch him constantly do dumb things. At this rate, he'll never afford a down payment on a mortgage.
Could also be any one of the other mental disorders that makes people not care about money at all. He sounds too low energy to be manic. Maybe he's hardcore depressed.




> This is the same truck where he just let sit for a month without driving because it was too big to park at his work and was taking my son's car while he was away at college. So we can't help an orphan in Africa, but we can pay for satellite radio for a vehicle you don't drive?


The schizophrenia aliens told him that they like listening to the radio in his truck. That's so sweet of him to consider their feelings 




> but every night he comes home from work, he sits in front of the tv. I get home, and go immediately to the kitchen to cook, call him when it's ready, he comes out expressionless, gives one word answers to questions, then he gets up, rinses off only his plate and silverware, and goes back to the tv. Every once in awhile if I grumble he will help clean up, but only for about 3 minutes top until he sneaks out.


Kinda sounds like he's depressed. Before hardcore drugs, I didn't have much energy or motivation to do things like that either. I would skip meals because I was too lazy to make food.



> I asked what his jobs were as the man? Outside. Snow....he bought a $800 snow blower. Yard? he bought a $2000 riding mower (for 1/3 acre!!)


That too could be a sign of depression. When dopamine is low, it's very hard to get anything done. Conversely, very high dopamine makes people start _wanting_ to do things. A guy on Joe Rogan's podcast was sharing a story about how his friend accidentally took an Adderall (amphetamine) instead of his heart medication. He ended up going on a cleaning rampage and sorting everything in his office alphabetically. I've been on Dexedrine (d-amphetamine) and I can vouch that I did something very similar to that when it came to scanning and organizing paper documents.




> Last, but not least. Sex. He complains we never have it (jokes in front of friends without hesitation)


Cut him down without hesitation. While you're dressing as sexy as possible and his friends are thinking about nailing you, make it clear that you tried to initiate sex and he couldn't get it up. Then they can cut him down for you and mock him for having boner problems.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You are catering too much IMO (pun intended). 
Who cooked for him before he met you?

I am married to a man of that generation who expected to be served and I did so for years (regrettably and stupidly!) 

Nowadays, if he complains about something, he gets to do it for himself. When he complained that the socks were not put away in his drawer in color coded categories, I stopped putting his laundry away. When he complained that the laundry was not done in a timely enough manner to suit him, I stopped doing his laundry. Get the drift? When I am working over a meal and he starts criticizing, I ask, "are you wanting to take over?" :smthumbup: 
He zips it right quick.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"However at the time he was the perfect boyfriend."

"Perfect boyfriend" doesn't always equal "perfect husand". The two roles, boyfriend and husband are so different.

If you didn't have long discussions on how to handle differences like the ones you mentioned BEFORE getting married, then you will have to have them now.

Can if be fixed? Sure. If he is willing to listen to you and make changes. But you don't appear to know if he will or not which is a huge red flag. The fact that you don't know if he can change or will listen, and the fact that you have seemed blindsided by these issues, speak volumes about the state of your relationship.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sorry you're in this.

He was 'dating' YOU and 'dating' another woman IN THE EXACT SAME MANNER (dinner 1x a week) AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. You 'won' the engagement ring, lucky you!  He 'FORGOT' to mention this woman he was 'seeing' for 4 YEARS at the exact same time he was 'seeing' you; and she felt betrayed. Yup, I'll bet she did! Seems like he was using his 'good Christianity' to be less-than-forthcoming with EACH of you while leading-you-both-on WITHOUT SEEMING TO...what!?! I'm not sleeping with, kissing, promising anything to either of them.....until I *am*.   *nudge* *nudge* WTH is up with him?
He was 50yo and NEVER MARRIED and LIVING ON HIS OWN for YEARS....of course he was 'set in his ways'. I have a 57yo bro the same way, I love him, but he's USED to having things HIS WAY because he's never had to COMPROMISE about anything. You acquiesce to his demands ridiculously often considering his demands are RIDICULOUS (really, the potato isn't big enough, meaty enough, whatever....waste gas and go buy another one?!?) Besides you, who the eff does that? No-one whose worked a FULL DAY, is tired/frazzled, has to cook a meal from scratch, and is watching pennies. Really, NO-ONE, but YOU!


> I grew up in an affluent family, but still learned to cook with what was there, be creative, don't waste, and it was fine. he grew up with little money, but seems now he wants only the best of everything even though we don't earn like that.


He is compensating for his 'impoverished' childhood; many people have some kind of 'quirk' that makes them feel better/more in control from their childhood. My dad grew up in the Depression; for him it's cars. He's got to have 2 nice ones at a time (in case one is in the shop); it makes him feel 'better' and 'successful'. With your H, it's 'food' that makes him feel 'better', 'richer' than in his childhood.
He keeps 'the best' for himself (new car, Sirius radio, no leftovers, lunch out DAILY, etc.), you get the leftovers.
He has VERY gender-specific roles (he ONLY has to do what is outside the home...and then he buys expensive TOYS to make HIS jobs EASIER....where are YOUR toys? Where is YOUR life made easier? He apparently married you for your HOMEMAKER skills ONLY.)
He views your children as 'free' labor (he's housing/feeding them).
Your sex life sucks; he doesn't do anything to IMPROVE it, but implies to everyone that it's YOUR fault the sex is poor/nonexistent.
So, again, *what PRECISELY do you LOVE about him?* Anything? It started going bad FOR YOU one month into the marriage. Do you REALLY love him, or are you afraid to admit you made a HUGE mistake?

_You are letting him cake-eat._


If he doesn't like what's being served, he is free to make something else. Or have Mommy make it. Or do whatever it is he did for 30 years BEFORE he married you.
If you're too tired to cook, it's leftovers, or frozen pizza. If he doesn't like what's being served, see the above answer.
If you earn 1/2 the income, then YOU are entitled to lunch out occasionally as well. And he NEEDS to cut back. Just that simple.
Tell him that if the gender-specific roles are THAT important to him (that he can't help cook, or clean, or do anyone's dishes but his own...lazy boob), then you're asserting HIS perogative and you're going to stay home and play the June Cleaver role....homemaker and stay-at-home mother ONLY. He can be Ward Cleaver and earn ALL the money...HIS RULES, you're just following them to the letter!
He needs to start putting-out in the bedroom. Like yesterday!
Get him to go to Christian-based marriage counseling. If he refuses, then I see NO HOPE for this marriage unless you want to continue to simmer and grow more resentful (not to mention the POOR role-modeling your children are seeing). You and your children will learn plenty from admitting you made a mistake and either FIXING it (with his FULL cooperation ONLY), or WALKING away from it.

Good luck!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Still trying to get past the vegetables cooked in lard thing. The rest I can't concentrate on.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Ah, ah, ah, Holland!

FRESH vegetables, from MOM'S GARDEN, cooked in lard!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Traditionally, Southerners often cooked vegetables with a tablespoon or so of lard. That is, add a tablespoon of lard to the water before adding the green beans, or add a bit of lard to the pan to saute fresh asparagus, etc. It was used as one would use butter, olive oil, schmaltz, or bacon grease - as a general all-purpose cooking oil.

And yes, OP, your husband is an ass. Sorry.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Traditionally, Southerners often cooked vegetables with a tablespoon or so of lard. That is, add a tablespoon of lard to the water before adding the green beans, or add a bit of lard to the pan to saute fresh asparagus, etc. It was used as one would use butter, olive oil, schmaltz, or bacon grease - as a general all-purpose cooking oil.
> 
> And yes, OP, your husband is an ass. Sorry.


Thanks for this info. Coming from a country where lard is not used I had not heard of it being used to cook vegetables in. Also being a vegetarian the thought of veges being cooked in lard is gross. I had visions of a big pot of lard boiling and the veges being thrown in and smothered in it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Blonde said:


> You are catering too much IMO (pun intended).
> Who cooked for him before he met you?


If memory serves me right he lived with his mother. She did it.

That would be mistake #3 - marrying a mama's boy.


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## BeTheManPlease (Jul 2, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> This really hit me. Good grief, this is one of the unhealthiest diets I've ever heard of. It rates right up there with eating fast food all the time. Is he overweight? Peas cooked in lard? YACK!
> 
> Is he an a$$? JMO, but yeah.


This is what I have tried to tell him.... because I care....and it's hard to appease everyone without cooking different versions of dinner. White bread - full sugar drinks - just restaurant type foods. Who eats like that all the time?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I can see why you don't like him, are you sure you do love him?

*Like *can be underrated. I have to *like *a man to be able to feel love for him. The less I like him, the more I lose my love for him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BeTheManPlease said:


> This is what I have tried to tell him.... because I care....and it's hard to appease everyone without cooking different versions of dinner. White bread - full sugar drinks - just restaurant type foods. *Who eats like that all the time*?


Not to be blunt, but someone who wants a triple bypass by the age of 60 eats like that.

He sounds like an ass, but it's all he knows. He's used to Mom doing it, and he just replaced her with you.


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## BeTheManPlease (Jul 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> If memory serves me right he lived with his mother. She did it.
> 
> That would be mistake #3 - marrying a mama's boy.


He actually lived on his own for 25 years and ate out for dinner every night because he didn't know how to cook and could afford it.

I see the mama's boy thing though....because she still makes him his lard chicken when he goes to visit along with a red velvet cake, and all the other things he likes to eat. She IS a sweet little old lady, but is an enabler in every sense of the word. Not only my husbands poor eating habits, but she also knew about the other girls he was just "friends" with (incidentally, told him he shouldn't do that at the time and has told him he better not mess things up with me), and feeds my brother in law cakes and sweets and salt and fat even though he is a double amputee from diabetes, congestive heart failure, blind with cataracts, and MRSA positive.....why? Because he likes it.


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## BeTheManPlease (Jul 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Another mistake. You married someone you didn't know. One night a week even for 4 years won't show you someone's true character. He was able to HIDE it from you. He knew who he was and you were the first one he was able to con into staying.


Maybe. I thought I did. I met his family, his friends, his co-workers, his pastor. All of whom said what a great guy he was.....but none of whom had ever had to live with him. 

And here I thought he was the first one I had conned into staying. Most men were put off that I was so independent and needed my space.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BeTheManPlease said:


> He actually lived on his own for 25 years and ate out for dinner every night because he didn't know how to cook and could afford it.
> 
> I see the mama's boy thing though....because she still makes him his lard chicken when he goes to visit along with a red velvet cake, and all the other things he likes to eat. She IS a sweet little old lady, but is an enabler in every sense of the word. Not only my husbands poor eating habits, but she also knew about the other girls he was just "friends" with (incidentally, told him he shouldn't do that at the time and has told him he better not mess things up with me), and feeds my brother in law cakes and sweets and salt and fat even though he is a double amputee from diabetes, congestive heart failure, blind with cataracts, and MRSA positive.....why? Because he likes it.



Well I have to ask you. Do you want to work with him? If you do, you need to stop enabling him like his mother does/did. Stop doing all that stuff for him. I mean, cooking a meal from time to time is fine, but stop being the short order cook up at Denny's for him! I'd make a menu and present him with it and expect him to pay for my services if he insisted. You may as well get paid for your effort, WITH TIPS.

Maybe he would see the humor in the way you present it, but you need to have a sit down with him regarding those lengthy expectations. He should know you feel like you work for him and not like his wife.

Regarding the other chick? I don't know, but I'm not surprised at his behavior. It could be that I think it's a generational thing (I'm 42 BTW) with him NOT to share what he was up to while 'casually' dating you. Is it right? Well that's subjective isn't it?


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## BeTheManPlease (Jul 2, 2012)

[Cut him down without hesitation. While you're dressing as sexy as possible and his friends are thinking about nailing you, make it clear that you tried to initiate sex and he couldn't get it up. Then they can cut him down for you and mock him for having boner problems.[/QUOTE]

Okay, your whole post made me chuckle, but this took the cake.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This thread makes my skin crawl...


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## BeTheManPlease (Jul 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> This thread makes my skin crawl...


hahaha which part?


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Was this discussed before marriage? What was the arrangement you agreed on as far as living, working, and cooking, etc? What did you both expect before you got married? Sorry you are here...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So, BeTheMan, are you going to continue cooking dinner? 

I had an idea. Why don't you tell him you want to work out at a gym before you come home. Ask him to join you. At least both of you would be working off some of the high cholesterol meals your're eating. If he doesn't want to join in, go for yourself and leave him to figure out what to do. He can revert to his pre-marriage habit of going out for dinner.

Sure, his pastor and friends only saw Mr. Nice Christian Guy. But most people never see what goes on behind closed doors. As someone else so aptly observed, your husband just swapped his mommy for you. Stop enabling. You are an independent woman who can take care of yourself. 

I'm not advocating divorce, but I'd seriously consider separating to see if it shakes him out of his entrenched habits. Talk to him, lay your cards on the table, and then decide to do something. At the very least, load up your diet with fresh fruits and vegetables and forget all that fried crap. Like I said, if he wants it, let him go out to dinner or over to his mom's for a meal.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

It's hard to add anything to what others have said here but honestly I think that you were fed a line. You got the "good/dating phase" guy for four years and granted, that is a good enough time to where you would think that you know enough about a person to decide whether or not you want to share the rest of your life with him. However you didn't live with him (I know - you are Christian and that was probably not in the cards) and so couldn't get to know that real person.

I didn't live with my ex prior to marriage either and it was one of the biggest mistakes in our relationship. I am a firm believer in living together before marriage! Anyway - talk to him and let him know your boundaries. He has told you everything that he expects (which are f***in' unbelievable, btw!) and now it's your turn. You are obviously miserable and can't continue like this. If you do, you either become full of resentment and risk losing love or you head to divorce court.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

BeTheManPlease said:


> Maybe. I thought I did. I met his family, his friends, his co-workers, his pastor. All of whom said what a great guy he was.....but none of whom had ever had to live with him.
> 
> And here I thought he was the first one I had conned into staying. Most men were put off that I was so independent and needed my space.


....but you didn't meet his other girlfriend.......

Good Grief OP! You were an independent working mother for YEARS.

I cannot fathom why you want to cook & wait on ANY man espcially an OCD, lard-eating, liar (by omission) Mama's Boy!


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

With a diet based on animal fat and secretions, no wonder the guy is virtually impotent. Hello! Erectile issues are often the first sign of coronary artery disease.

Go to Dr. John McDougall's site 

I too married later in life and am regretting my decision only a year and a half into it.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Umm ick.

Next time if you ant to marry them, spend lots of time with them, even if you don't have sex. 

But really please leave this guy, he's ridiculous.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

So, hes getting everything he wants in this marriage. Are you getting ANYTHING you want from this marriage?

And yeah, hes an ass!


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