# Overcoming Rejection



## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

My husband had an affair. The first year of our marriage was very difficult, a woman pursued him relentlessly and he felt somewhat rejected by me so he went for it. I’m not excusing what he did, but I can put my self in his shoes and understand how it happened. Throughout his affair I had suspicions, confronted him, was gaslighted (didn’t know about the investigative tips I now know about) so I never got confirmation. Our sex life was OK, but I often felt rejected by him and stopped initiating as often. I assumed his drive had changed or he was stressed at work. Now I know he was getting more than enough between OW and me.

The OW exposed the affair, as she wanted him to leave me for her but he refused. Based on our circumstances (very detailed), I decided to attempt reconciliation. My desire for him was in overdrive in the beginning, although he suffered from ED (first time EVER), which made me feel more rejected, and certainly hampered the wonderful possibility of HB. After all I’ve been through, I don’t feel like dealing with much rejection so instead of aggressively pursuing him I send subtle hints, but he should be able to pick up on what I want (sex). And, yet, he doesn’t always take the bait. I actually feel like I’m more of a convenience for his needs than a desired object of affection. I want him to want me. I want passion. I don’t want to do all the work in making our sex life better – especially due to the betrayal and all the sh!t I have to deal with to overcome mind movies, etc.

I’m not an unattractive, unsexy woman. I get compliments daily on my appearance. Just today I was told by an acquaintance that I remind him of a certain movie star who, he said, is “sexy as hell” (so that should mean I have some sex appeal if he’s saying I remind him so much of her, right?). I seriously doubt I lack sexual skills, but maybe he preferred sex with his OW to sex with me. I’m not ugly. I’m open sexually. I always let him know how much I enjoy it…

Last night I dealt with another very painful rejection. Although I didn’t come straight out with what I wanted, I hinted in a way that couldn’t have been overlooked. I’ve talked to him about how much rejection I’ve felt from him and that it’s difficult for me to put myself in a position for more rejection, so I would think he would be extra sensitive to my hints, but… ::sigh::

I don’t know what to do.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

girlfromipanema said:


> Last night I dealt with another very painful rejection. Although I didn’t come straight out with what I wanted, I hinted in a way that couldn’t have been overlooked. I’ve talked to him about how much rejection I’ve felt from him and that it’s difficult for me to put myself in a position for more rejection, so I would think he would be extra sensitive to my hints, but… ::sigh::
> 
> I don’t know what to do.


Unfortunately you cant change his actions. However if you modify your actions you can bring about certain reactions in him.

Why do you leave it at simple hints? Perhaps due to his rejecting you in the past, you are unwilling to put yourself in the vulnerable position of giving him the final word, and turning you down. Hints offer more of a defence.

I suggest you move away from simple hinting. I dont know a man who would turn down his "sexy as hell" wife if she very bluntly told him to march his ass into the bedroom for a little <insert_favorite_pastime_here>.


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

I'm sure you're right, but I just don't know if I can deal with the rejection if he were to reply with "OK, but first let me finish this TV show, research or whatever it may be." I don't pick times that I know he's invested in something else, but he's always doing _something_, you know?

After all the pain I've been through, I want him to pull more weight for once, I guess.


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

I am NOT going to have an affair, but sometimes I entertain the idea. I just want to feel WANTED.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Well someone is bound to bring it up, so I might as well. Do you have any reason to believe he is currently being unfaithful?


Now that we have that crap out of the way, how has your sex life been since the affair? Has he always been this way, or is it something new? I know you talk about this in OP, but Im having trouble following it.

Perhaps he feels very uncomfortable being with you intimately because of the affair. Guys are capable of feeling guilt and he may not see himself as being worthy enough to have sex with you.

And your going to have to roll the dice. Its never fun trying to move a relationship forward by yourself, not to mention he cheated on you. But you have to. Your only other option is divorce or an unhappy life. 
If you can muster the strength to get the ball rolling you will be suprised to see your Hubby assist, slowly but surely. It takes time, and there will be regression, its only natural. This is the most challenging part in my opinion, to see all your hard work flushed away like an unwanted poo. But that ground will be easier to get back, and then you can continue making real tangible progress.
But for this strategy to work, you have to be doing it for the right reason: Yourself. Not your marriage, not him, but for yourself. Its the only way it works. You will continue pushing the boulder up the hill, and he may lend a hand, and you will find happiness at the top of the hill. Or you will do all the work yourself and realise that he is holding you back. He did cheat on you after all.

No risk = no reward.


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Well someone is bound to bring it up, so I might as well. Do you have any reason to believe he is currently being unfaithful?
> 
> 
> Now that we have that crap out of the way, how has your sex life been since the affair? Has he always been this way, or is it something new? I know you talk about this in OP, but Im having trouble following it.
> ...


OW is out of the picture for sure. 

I took your advice and took a risk. Put on something sexy, told him how much I wanted him and ... wow. Richly rewarded. Multiple times. 

I didn't want to get into one of those 'talks' because I find't want to risk making him feel shame but we did talk afterwards and agreed that I won't be so subtle from now on and he promises to take notice.

What started as a rather sad day turned into a beautiful experience. Bravo to my husband !! Yummy!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You guys need couples counseling and fast. Your husband's affair was NOT your fault in any way. There is zero excuse.

He could have ED because of the guilt he feels having cheated on you. Then it snowballed from there, so now he just wants to avoid sex so that he doesn't have to deal with the failure of not getting it up. And to top it off, he probably knows that each time he can't get it up, you take it personally. 

A good counselor can help you both communicate about what is going on in the bedroom and to process the affair, which takes a good 2-5 years to heal from.


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> You guys need couples counseling and fast. Your husband's affair was NOT your fault in any way. There is zero excuse.
> 
> He could have ED because of the guilt he feels having cheated on you. Then it snowballed from there, so now he just wants to avoid sex so that he doesn't have to deal with the failure of not getting it up. And to top it off, he probably knows that each time he can't get it up, you take it personally.
> 
> A good counselor can help you both communicate about what is going on in the bedroom and to process the affair, which takes a good 2-5 years to heal from.


I should clarify that he had ED maybe three times and it was only in the immediate weeks after discovery. It's been months and months of non-dysfunction and we do have frequent sex, but I need more of an emotional connection.

We are doing soooooo much better, but recovering from his affair is very difficult. I do suffer from insecurity when it comes to him. My confidence is high in all other areas of my life.

I don't know that counseling will help because he is very private and fear he won't open himself up in front of a third party.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

girlfromipanema said:


> OW is out of the picture for sure.
> 
> I took your advice and took a risk. Put on something sexy, told him how much I wanted him and ... wow. Richly rewarded. Multiple times.
> 
> ...


Glad to hear it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

girlfromipanema said:


> My husband had an affair. The first year of our marriage was very difficult, a woman pursued him relentlessly and he felt somewhat rejected by me so he went for it. I’m not excusing what he did, but I can put my self in his shoes and understand how it happened. Throughout his affair I had suspicions, confronted him, was gaslighted (didn’t know about the investigative tips I now know about) so I never got confirmation. Our sex life was OK, but I often felt rejected by him and stopped initiating as often. I assumed his drive had changed or he was stressed at work. Now I know he was getting more than enough between OW and me.
> 
> The OW exposed the affair, as she wanted him to leave me for her but he refused. Based on our circumstances (very detailed), I decided to attempt reconciliation. My desire for him was in overdrive in the beginning, although he suffered from ED (first time EVER), which made me feel more rejected, and certainly hampered the wonderful possibility of HB. After all I’ve been through, I don’t feel like dealing with much rejection so instead of aggressively pursuing him I send subtle hints, but he should be able to pick up on what I want (sex). And, yet, he doesn’t always take the bait. I actually feel like I’m more of a convenience for his needs than a desired object of affection. I want him to want me. I want passion. I don’t want to do all the work in making our sex life better – especially due to the betrayal and all the sh!t I have to deal with to overcome mind movies, etc.
> 
> ...


I am sorry you are going through this... It is a rough ride and rejection hurts... You really never get over it, afraid of it happening again. I totally understand the pain of it.. You become unsure of yourself.

AS far as sending him hints that never work.. I used to do this with my H and you know something he told me once he knows when i want sex but he never does anything. i will not be rejected by him again so i dont pursue him any longer. he ignores my hints.. Chances are he knows when you want sex, he just doesn't do anything about it.. 

Are you sure he isn't having another affair.. I dont mean to stir the pot!!


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

I just realized I should have titled this post, Overcoming Fear of Rejection. Darn.

ladybird, thanks for your feedback. I'm sorry you've been through something similar. I don't believe my H is involved in another affair, although I never in my wildest dreams would have thought he'd ever be the type of man to stray (especially for as long and with the type of person he had as an AP). However, I believe he has learned some valuable lessons and knows he has a real treasure in me. 

I should also clarify that we are in no way sexless or lacking in quantity. I just wish things would have gone smoother in the immediate days, weeks after discovery. 

I took sockpuppet's advice and was very direct with what I wanted and my H was ready and willing and enthusiastic, so I may have been way too subtle for him.

I dunno. It's a difficult process for sure. And painful as hell.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Generally, women are much more adept at hinting and non-verbal communication than men are. What may be an unmistakable hint to you may be a very mistakable non-hint to your husband. My wife used to practice this. To her, touching my arm for two seconds as she went to bed in her flannel pjs was an unmistakable hint for sex. I obviously ignored it because I don't read minds.

As you've seen, lingerie is a hint for men. A blunt invitation for sexual intercourse is a hint for men. If you need some more seduction tips geared toward women, check out the video.
SMBC Theater - Cosmotopian from SMBC Theater


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

Ha! That was hilarious. Fail safe plan = touch him on the penis. Got it.

I won't admit being as subtle as your wife...


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

girlfromipanema said:


> I'm sure you're right, but I just don't know if I can deal with the rejection if he were to reply with "OK, but first let me finish this TV show, research or whatever it may be." I don't pick times that I know he's invested in something else, but he's always doing _something_, you know?
> 
> After all the pain I've been through, I want him to pull more weight for once, I guess.



Girlfromipanema,

We have mirror image marriages. My wife says the same things your husband says only she also doesn't follow up afterwards. For example, she my might say "I'm reading my book" or "I'm watching my show". So, the book or the show are more important than me? She has a bookmark and we have DVR. So, both can be stopped and picked up later. 

I've patiently (may have been a mistake) waited for her show to end and then looked over to see she's fallen asleep. WTF?

I understand your pain and rejection all too well.


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

Oh, txhunter, I'm sorry... it really does suck.

I wouldn't say my marriage is sex starved, but the damage caused by the infidelity has harmed our sex life, it's harmed my confidence with regard to our sex life, well, it's harmed everything about my life. 

If you are in a sex starved marriage that hasn't been harmed by infidelity, I might recommend the book, The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. It has excellent reviews, though I haven't read it. 

Something has gotta give, though.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

girlfromipanema said:


> Oh, txhunter, I'm sorry... it really does suck.
> 
> I wouldn't say my marriage is sex starved, but the damage caused by the infidelity has harmed our sex life, it's harmed my confidence with regard to our sex life, well, it's harmed everything about my life.
> 
> ...


I think I gave that book for her to read last year. Not sure where she put it. Need to hunt around for it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

txhunter54 said:


> Girlfromipanema,
> 
> We have mirror image marriages. My wife says the same things your husband says only she also doesn't follow up afterwards. For example, she my might say "I'm reading my book" or "I'm watching my show". So, the book or the show are more important than me? She has a bookmark and we have DVR. So, both can be stopped and picked up later.
> 
> ...


@txhunter ~

Ever tried to do more 'foreplay' with your wife throughout each day? I know that I'm a lot less receptive when my H just used to approach out of the blue. Sometimes us women need a bit of warming up to it. 


@girlfromimpanema ~

I think sometimes just having confidence in ourselves can be a huge boost. You've had a blow from your H's affair and I think it would be normal to start to have some confidence and trust issues from that, especially if you feel like he rejects you.

However, you posted that you took the 'bull by the horns', so to speak, and were very successful. You were CONFIDENT and SELF-ASSURED and it led to SUCCESS.

The only person who can give you that confidence is yourself - by repeating everyday throughout your own thoughts and in your own actions that you are worthy and you are definitely worth it. Let your man SEE that you are THE THING and he is LUCKY to have YOU. 

"_*Nobody* can make you feel inferior without *your* consent_." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Best wishes.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Enchantment, 

Examples of foreplay during the day would be helpful. My wife and I both work during the day.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

txhunter54 said:


> Enchantment,
> 
> Examples of foreplay during the day would be helpful. My wife and I both work during the day.


My H calls me a 'high maintenance' wife, but he knows that I NEED extra help to get my mind in to it - I just don't seem to have the kind of drive where I think about sex a lot (sometimes at certain times I do, but it's not consistent.) However, I know that HE needs sex, so it becomes a priority for me and he does what he can to help me out. 

We also both work and we've got two kids and two dogs and aging parents and we are busy. These are things that my H does - and he does these types of things EVERY SINGLE DAY and not just on days that he may want sex.

* Gives me quick caresses as he passes by me in the kitchen or hallway. Smiles or winks at me as he does.

* Opens doors for me - sometimes will pat my bottom and growl at me when I go through them.

* Holds my hand when we go out or when we are driving in the car.

* Sweeps my hair aside and gives me a quick kiss or sometimes will just inhale at the side of my neck and say "uhm".

* Rubs my feet without asking - just sweeps them up when I'm sitting down on the couch relaxing (usually a guaranteed turn-on for me  )

* Does a lot of things around the house that he sees need to be done without asking or prompting from me (sometimes these are what are considered 'my' chores)


He can tell the times that I am more in the mood and will ramp up being more aggressive:

* He will corner me in the laundry room and rub up against me and give me a passionate kiss then walk away.

* He will 'chase' me through the house (the boys and dogs love this), then catch me and kiss me.

* When the kids are in bed he will literally pick me up and kiss me all the way to the bedroom.


He has become aware that I like to be verbally complimented as well:

* He will tell me that he thinks I look great, then waggle his eyebrows at me and wink.

* He tells me thank-you after cooking dinner.

* He texts or emails me at work with silly jokes or cartoons (I'm not much into sexting so he usually keeps things only a little raunchy with a lot of humor).

He does all these things without much expectation of sex (of course he knows that I will rarely say no to him), and I have been trying to do a lot better job showing him more verbal admiration as well and respond back to a lot of his flirting. When he first started it was more one-sided on his part, but now it's both of us participating.

Here's another list that may have some ideas for you: 100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way | Marriage Missions International

Best wishes.


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

Thanks for your feedback, Enchantment. I know you're right. I do believe in my heart that my husband is very lucky to have me. I know many men would be pleased to have a loving, attentive, caring wife like me. I think a lot of my 'issues' will be resolved in time (if I can fully recover from such a painful betrayal - LTA and double betrayal).

Your husband sounds like a prize. I smiled at the vision of him chasing you through the house - what a joyous example to show your boys (and dogs!). 

I think I'm similar to you in that sex/intimacy is really tied into my thinking. If my thoughts are focused on happy things and my husband's sexiness, it's easy to be ready and willing. If my thoughts go to unpleasant things and my husband's betrayal, I don't really feel in the mood for love. This morning my husband initiated, and I happily obliged, but my brain was dealing with some unpleasant thoughts and my husband had to work overtime to achieve his goal for me. I kept trying to rein in my thoughts, but it was a challenge.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

girlfromipanema said:


> Thanks for your feedback, Enchantment. I know you're right. I do believe in my heart that my husband is very lucky to have me. I know many men would be pleased to have a loving, attentive, caring wife like me. I think a lot of my 'issues' will be resolved in time (if I can fully recover from such a painful betrayal - LTA and double betrayal).
> 
> Your husband sounds like a prize. I smiled at the vision of him chasing you through the house - what a joyous example to show your boys (and dogs!).
> 
> I think I'm similar to you in that sex/intimacy is really tied into my thinking. If my thoughts are focused on happy things and my husband's sexiness, it's easy to be ready and willing. If my thoughts go to unpleasant things and my husband's betrayal, I don't really feel in the mood for love. This morning my husband initiated, and I happily obliged, but my brain was dealing with some unpleasant thoughts and my husband had to work overtime to achieve his goal for me. I kept trying to rein in my thoughts, but it was a challenge.


Time is a great healer - but that doesn't mean you have to sit by idly and just let time trickle by. Even if your body may need time (which is what happened in my case because I was ill) your MIND does not need to be idle.

Make sure you don't dwell on the negative things and keep dredging up the things from the past or what-ifs (easier said than done, I know  ). It takes discipline to turn your mind to more positive avenues. I like the following quote - I think you can apply it to your marriage - 

"_Feed your faith _(in your marriage and your husband and yourself) _and your fears will starve to death_." ~Author Unknown

You sound like a great gal, and I wish you all the best.

God Bless.


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