# How do I knock my wife off the fence? Not sure how to handle her



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Alright, so Im soon to divorce my cheating wife, she moved out mid Feb and I've kept a very good 180 and LC since then.

The problem is that she is declaring that she just wants to get herself together. Now we all know that all she is really doing is justifying her actions, she is fooling herself that she is confused and needs time on her own to find herself and figure things out. I think her aim is to establish some kind of independence so that it looks like she stood on her own 2 feet, realised the marriage wasn't working and then rationally choose the OM.

I've told her on numerous occasions that she can have the OM and to just leave me alone. I've even given her specific instructions on how to drop off our daughter. But she ignores this and will come into the house and make small talk, hang around, etc. She occasionally gets drunk and then during her hangover tells me its me she wants, doesn't want a divorce, etc. She will always lose this desire a couple days after the hangover.

I'm just trying to get on with my life but I just know that sooner or later she will try and pull me in again. I don't think the divorce will make any difference. It's like she just doesn't believe me, that she can come back at any time.

I'm sick of asking her to stop talking to me and I feel like it gives her power over me, like Im saying Im too weak to her presence. She made a reference the other week that Im still pining for her!

I don't want to ignore her because it just makes me look moody and sulky.

Don't really want to act as though there is no problem because I don't want her thinking Im ok with the situation and we can be friends.

Its hard enough for me to accept my family is gone without my wife making things worse by flip flopping all over the place.

Any ideas?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

What do you want Indy, divorce or reconciliation?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> I don't think the divorce will make any difference. It's like she just doesn't believe me, that she can come back at any time.


It definitely looks that way and it seems you answered your own question here:



Indy Nial said:


> She made a reference the other week that Im still pining for her!


You've already told her numerous times that she can have the OM and to leave you alone and she still doesn't get it. She is on the fence in her own mind, thinking she can keep you as an option in case the relationship with OM turns sour. What a delusion she has. I know the 180 says to be kind, courteous, and all that. But you have no plans for R and are heading towards D.

There was a thead in SI forum that I read about the stupid things the WS has said, and I remember one post someone made that seems to apply to your situation. The poster was doing the same as you, headed toward divorce, and his WW said to him that she would come back to him as soon as her affair with OM was over. He told her that they were getting divorced and not to come back, but she said "We can remarry. The divorce is just a piece of paper". :scratchhead:

I know it may make you look "moody and sulky" but you may actually have to be rude to her because she isn't getting the point. When you are nice to her, furthering her belief that you're pining for her. Don't let her in the house. Change your locks. Try to change the exchange point to a different location and not outside your house, that way she can't just make an excuse to come inside the house.

Other than being a little hostile to her, I can't think of much else besides possibly getting a new GF. But that would be wrong, as it makes you a cheater while you're still married and its also wrong to just use some woman for that purpose.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

There's one sure way to stop the fence straddling. Tell her that she has had plenty of time to make a decision. Now you will make that decision easy for her. Either she decide to commit to the marriage and really work on it--and stop seeing the OP....or, you will be filing for divorce. I put up with my estranged husband's fence straddling for a year. Once I put that ultimatum in front of him, I finally got an honest answer.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Deceive her into believing you have another woman.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

morituri said:


> Deceive her into believing you have another woman.


You being funny? or serious?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> You being funny? or serious?


Both.

Some cheaters don't care if their betrayed spouse has or hasn't an OP on the side for they are done with the marriage and with their betrayed spouse. It doesn't sound like Indy's wife falls into this category of cheater.

His cheating wife doesn't believe she can be replaced in his heart. Her ego has inflated her head into believing that Indy will always be hers. If she *perceives* that he's seeing another woman, what do you think would happen to her belief system?

Indy doesn't have to betray his beliefs or morals, only make her perceive that he has.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Sod that.. Go GET another GF. If you are heading towards divorce then what the hell. Nothing like another woman's car in your driveway to get the message home. Has other benefits too
If this challenges religion. Please ignore.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

With a 2 X 4 (metaphorically speaking)


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I guess some people can't seem to pull the trigger.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Serve her with divorce papers, change the locks, learn your state's laws regarding stalking and harassment. Perhaps she can make a sandwich but she can't make you do anything. The only power she has is that which you give her. Unless you invite her in or she has the power to float through walls or slide down the chimney, she's not coming in your home. Nobody lingers in your home unless you permit them to remain there. 
She needs to know the only pine you have for her came from Home Depot and you'll use it to help her find the door if she doesn't leave voluntarily. 
How does this drunk talk to you? If she's calling, hang up. If she's coming over, take her car keys and toss her out. If you want to be nice you can call the police to pick her up for public intox.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You wanna wake her up---put her in reality

Put all marital assets in your name only-----cancel her CC's----demand she pay half of all utilities, and half the mtg., and home insurance, and property tax----make her cover her own medical, if she is driving a car, she makes the payments, covers the insurance, pays for the gas, and repairs.

She pays for her own food, and clothing, and sundries, and cosmetics----make her into a single, divorced women----give her no money whatsoever----give her REALITY----she will wake up real quick

You can do this now---as only the divorce decree will actually decide how/where finances go

I promise you she will wake up!!!!!!!


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

She has been served, im in the UK, decree nisi should come through any day. Once that's arrived then 6 weeks later I can apply to finalise the divorce.

The only thing she gets from me is child maintenance. Im not legally allowed to change the locks and I pretty much ignore txts and calls. She got the message on that fairly quickly.

She comes round with my 7 year old daughter so physically forcing her out the door isn't an option.

As was suggested earlier Im just going to be rude, I wanted to take the upper ground and handle her with grace but clearly that isn't working!

The problem is she won't face reality,she is demanding half my salary because for theast decade she raised our child. I have done everything I can to wake her up and just feel like banging my head against a wall.

The other day she said is this really what we both want?! Hello? Anyone home?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your doing the best you can. As far as giving her half your pay, that one is worth laughing in her face. Has nothing to with your child. Your girl won't starve at her place. And I am sure if she needs shoes or clothes that you would take her shopping. If your daughter ever asks why you got divorced. You can hold your head up high and tell her it wasn't your choice. Tell your STBXW if she needs money, get a second job and you will be happy to watch your daughter.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Indy, your home is your home. What you described was not a mother visiting her daughter but her coming to engage you in conversation. Visitors come when it's convenient for the host and they leave within a reasonable period or at the request of the host. Normal people will promptly depart when asked to do so. Others (even ex-wives or mothers of our children) can be helped to the door by whatever means of encouragement they require. You are not a prisoner or a hostage in your own home. Physically throwing her out on her buttocks is very much an option and you may find the experience quite therapeutic. She would certainly derive tremendous educational benefit from such a flight. The same God who designed her derrier also designed your foot and created gravity. His purpose in this matter is clear.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

OK, I've had a brain wave. What if I send the OM a text and copy my wife in on it? Madness or genius?

Was thinking something along the lines of...

I filed for divorce because I no longer want to be married to the person that claims to be my wife. Despite this she still tells me she loves me and that she doesnt want to be with you long term. I've had enough, if you want her, she is yours, at this point I really don't care. She is now your responsibility and I hold you fully accountable for her well being. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Give her nothing beyond what the court decreed

Let her know point blank---she wanted out of the mge., so she gets what comes with ACTUALLY being on her own---little money, and a lot of work

While you worked, and sweated to provide for the family, she made love to her lover----tell her to have her lover take care of her---that won't last very long

If your daughter's mother needs things to provide for her----you buy the specific item needed, and keep the receipt.

Your wife will find she is not gonna enjoy true reality on her won---but that's what she wanted----so give it to her!!!!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> OK, I've had a brain wave. What if I send the OM a text and copy my wife in on it? Madness or genius?
> 
> Was thinking something along the lines of...
> 
> ...


Sounds good, just make sure you include the header as proof that she sent it, otherwise she could reasonably argue that you sent the email out of spite.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

how about you actually go get other women...


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