# Walk Away Wife



## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Been Reading about this but i'm not shure about something.

How many years does it take for a woman to feel this way and "walk away from marriage"?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is no timeframe - it can become a realization at any time when the negatives appear to outweigh the positives.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Since most walk-aways don't tell you it's happened, we men just have to guess. My guess is at the 7 year mark in the marriage is when she checked out. We dated/were engaged for about 5 years before that, if it matters.

That was about 15 years ago. I thought I had the greatest marriage in the world up until about 5 years ago. 10 years I lived and loved a walk-away and didn't even know it. She was my life. 

I hope we start talking about it again. It is, BY FAR, the greatest crisis in marriages today. And from reading this forum, I'd say most people don't even know it exists, let alone is the pandemic that it is. And if they have heard of it, they don't understand it. It's probably the wording. What makes a walk-away-wife is the fact that she DOESN'T leave the marriage. If she physically leaves the marriage, it is something else.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If your loved one wants to "walk away", hold the door and don't let it hit them in the ass.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

My WAW started walking away at the ten year mark and finished the walk away at the fourteen year mark. What a wasted four years (for both of us!)


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

WAW spend time first trying to fix things, maybe all you heard was nagging and complaining. Eventually they just give up. You think nothing is wrong because they stopped telling you it was. There was no point. When that happens is different for everyone. 

I would consider myself a WAW, with some spurts here and there of trying again. You can only go so long before you give up. 

If the husband is trying to get a WAW to trust him again, it could take a long time for her to believe the changes will last. Don't give up if you don't see progress right away.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> WAW spend time first trying to fix things, maybe all you heard was nagging and complaining. Eventually they just give up. You think nothing is wrong because they stopped telling you it was. There was no point. When that happens is different for everyone.
> 
> I would consider myself a WAW, with some spurts here and there of trying again. You can only go so long before you give up.
> 
> If the husband is trying to get a WAW to trust him again, it could take a long time for her to believe the changes will last. Don't give up if you don't see progress right away.


I agree with what SGC has written, except my now ex-husband told me flat out that he wasn't going to promise that anything would change and that he wanted to be accepted as he was.

I tried to talk to him three times during our required year long separation, and he just got angry. 

I ordered a book about couples and asked him if he would read and work through it with me. He said he would. He took the book. He never touched it.

I asked him to go to counseling. He went once and hardly said a word. He went once on his own and never mentioned it.

He came to me a couple of years after our divorce and asked me what I had learned. :scratchhead:

I think he thought, even after the divorce, that I was somehow going to magically fix it all. That's the way I spent my 20 years of marriage - being expected to make it all work.

I chose to opt out instead.

He was passive aggressive, but in a very self-righteous, martyr type way. It allowed him to be the victim, which was/is the role he's most comfortable in.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

This is interesting. I'd like to see more perspective from those who have been walk away wives. 

I would like to know how conflict avoidance, discouragement, unforgiving personality, cowardice, despair, subordination, disrespect, intimidation, and other factors affected walk away wives. 

I agree that this issue is pandemic and young men could benefit from a clinic on the subject to prep them for life. I don't think a blanket statement either condemning or justifying walk away wives can do the subject justice.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Walk away wives are known for being *very passive* natured.... some men may not want a nagging bi*chy woman but at least you know WHAT she's pi**ed off about to give you the heads up... and many of these wives DID give at least subtle clues ...could have been a ton without getting too out of hand ....to what they needed/ wanted from you... but it could have shot right over your heads.. while you kept doing your own thing...oblivious to what is eating her inside.. 

Conflict is not our enemy... it is your best chance of getting this opened up.. and worked through....If you're not talking.. start talking... take her somewhere where you are in close quarters, no distractions.. and start the dialog.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I was a waw in my first marriage. Like others I tried very hard fix things, to let him know that I was unhappy. You know what I got? 

1. Quit complaining, I'd love to have your easy life.

2. We don't need counseling, I'm fine. 

3. If you were a better wife and cooked and cleaned to my standards we'd be better. 

4. I'm beginning to think you're not attracted to me..... when he'd spend the entire evening drinking with his friends and come home looking for sex and I wasn't interested. 

When I walked he was shocked, begged for counseling, and said he thought we were in this come hell or high water. Translation: I didn't think it mattered how I treated you because I didn't think to were going anywhere.

So you see, the whole idea of a waw is a way for some guys to ignore the fact that their wife did try to talk but they didn't think she was going anywhere so they didn't feel the need to address it. 

Even my ex hb's chauvinistic friends told him to take better care of me because I was going to dump him

He ignored them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> When I walked he was shocked...
> 
> So you see, the whole idea of a waw is a way for some guys to ignore the fact that their wife did try to talk but they didn't think she was going anywhere so they didn't feel the need to address it. _Posted via Mobile Device_


BINGO! We have a winner. I'd word it a little differently, but this is it. LITS simplifies the thought process a little: makes it looks like I was deliberately treating my wife the way I did. Implies that my wife's communication was chrystal clear. But yeah.

We need to fix this.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I walked away.

After years of being told there was nothing wrong. I disagreed.

-Marriage issues. "If you'd do things MY way there wouldn't BE a problem.
-Work issues, "If the boss wasn't a complete idiot, I'd still have a job.
-Mommy issues. "She never stick up for me when I was growing up.
-Daddy issues. "He never believed I was telling the truth.
-Sibling issues. "Mom and Dad always loved him more.

There wasn't one thing he would take personal responsibility for. It got old, listening to him blame everything and everybody for his own shortcomings. After thirteen years of telling him HE was the common denominator, I gave up. 

Some people just never will be happy. It took me that long to realize he was one of them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> BINGO! We have a winner. I'd word it a little differently, but this is it. LITS simplifies the thought process a little: makes it looks like I was deliberately treating my wife the way I did. Implies that my wife's communication was chrystal clear. But yeah.
> 
> We need to fix this.


Fair enough, I can shoot my mouth off and be a little rough around the edges. Not sure if you're being sarcastic with me or not but I have no idea what happened in your case.....if your wife was not clear or you ignored her or some combination in between. I was relaying my story, and I specifically said SOME men; you see this on this TAM where guys will admit that maybe they had some idea she wasn't happy but didn't think it was a big deal. I'm just saying that if your wife (or husband) says they're unhappy take them seriously.

Don't think I ever implied you deliberately did anything, because then we're not talking about the same thing anymore. We're talking about cases where a husband isn't abusive or deliberately a jerk, because then it would be clear why she walked and the term "walk away wife" would no longer apply. I don't even think my ex hb was deliberately a jerk, he was just a selfish guy.

Maybe you could provide some examples of what she called communication and we could better address it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I am not nor have I ever been a WAW....buuuuuttttttt.....

I've spent 6 years trying. I've been ignored for 6 years. He literally sees me as someone who is "on him" constantly about issues in our relationship. He will say what he needs to pacify me for a while, and then he continues on. 

I am sure he will be shocked when/if I leave. He will beg for another chance...because he has before.

So, I don't know if many are actual WAW's OR if they have said it over and over again that they just eventually gave up and left. I swear I say something to my H and he will forget/ignore the fact that I ever said it because it isn't important to him.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Regretf said:


> Been Reading about this but i'm not shure about something.
> 
> How many years does it take for a woman to feel this way and "walk away from marriage"?


didn't someone post about his wife of six months, pregnant, walking away? not returning his phone calls...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I really believed my wife would walk away. I thought about it for a very long time. My suspicion was when the last of our four children were out of college she would walk.

For a very long time I had given up and worse I gave up on myself. So it was becoming a self-fulfilled prophecy.

Somehow someway I became aware. I worked on all things to improve as fast and as many ways as I could. I never said a word. I just took small but deliberate steps every day.

All this including our home and working on rebuilding our emotional bond and our intimacy.

A person has to realize their shortcomings and fix them .If you can’t see trouble on the horizon, then you have to look with better eyes. If you have no sense of it you will be blindsided.

Conflict avoidant wives are common .My wife is classic CA.

Perhaps she should have walked had I been her I would have.



The time came when I had the ability to repay my wife 75K from her parent’s estate. I put 75K in her hands to put in her name in her own account. If she was going to walk that was her chance.

Keep a lookout for those icebergs no matter how warm the water feels

55


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> I really believed my wife would walk away. I thought about it for a very long time. My suspicion was when the last of our four children were out of college she would walk.
> 
> For a very long time I had given up and worse I gave up on myself. So it was becoming a self-fulfilled prophecy.
> 
> ...


Glad you dodged a bullet. I think most men, no, all spouses would do well to learn what you have. You really do "get it". Thanks for your perspective. btw, what does your wife think about the marriage now days?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I left this post on an older "walk away " thread.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/61220-do-women-walk-away-without-someone-else.html

How important, when the laughter stops in the home, the smiles, the I love you's (always a sign that something is amiss)...to FIGHT for getting back to this place....once again talking to each other , seeking how the other feels, trying to look outside of our lenses to their point of view... ....this is what was needed.....Otherwise one could be silently drowning right beside us. 

I would even PREFER someone to FIGHT WITH...at least the emotions would be stirred... over one who seemed content to just carry on in APATHY .... 

Read this article ..."A is for Apathy: What Happens when You Don't Care Anymore?" I feel this is what is happening to the majority of these Walk away wives...



> Apathy, unconcern, indifference, lack of interest, lack of emotion. It's what creeps into the marriage when one or both spouses aren't watchful.
> 
> *§* It happens when they allow the fire for each other to go out.
> 
> ...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Glad you dodged a bullet. I think most men, no, all spouses would do well to learn what you have. You really do "get it". Thanks for your perspective. btw, what does your wife think about the marriage now days?


She told me that she has a marriage that she could only dream about

Hence the user name just got it 55

Perfect wife I have

55


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Don't think I ever implied you deliberately did anything, because then we're not talking about the same thing anymore. We're talking about cases where a husband isn't abusive or deliberately a jerk, because then it would be clear why she walked and the term "walk away wife" would no longer apply. I don't even think my ex hb was deliberately a jerk, he was just a selfish guy.


I hate forums. I can't express my thoughts clearly. I felt you nailed it. You hit my situation almost exactly. All I was pointing out is that your understanding of clear communication is not his. He did not understand how far gone you were. He was "shocked" when you left. That is the dynamic in this whole thing we need to understand. How is it that a woman can tell her husband, until she's blue in the face, that she's gone if he doesn't shape up? Then the husband is "shocked" when she leaves?

How is that possible?

You are correct. I was not an abusive husband. I was not an obvious jerk. If I was, her walking away WOULD HAVE been something different. But I knew what her problems were with me. I just had NO IDEA they were big enough that she would check out of our marriage. When I realized she was gone, I too was "shocked", to say the least.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> How is it that a woman can tell her husband, until she's blue in the face, that she's gone if he doesn't shape up? Then the husband is "shocked" when she leaves?
> 
> How is that possible?


I have been very, very clear with my H. In as many ways as I can think of. He's still shocked every time I bring up him leaving and will be truly shocked if it happens. 

How? Because he doesn't take me seriously. He doesn't believe it's as bad as I say it is. He thinks we can just work it all out. I'll say I need you to fix a,b, and c.... he'll make an effort with b and think every thing is peachy. 

A lot of men view legitimate concerns as just someone nagging, complaining, being emotional. They aren't taken seriously. You get met with Ya, ya I heard that you need me to help around the house but you're seriously going to make me leave because of it?! Fine, I'll do the [email protected] chores (for a few days and then back to the regular habits) because it's done to shut you up and not to fix the relationship.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Many times, it's something men consider nagging. For example, my H has a particular issue that I've had a problem with for a while now. It's not doing chores, it's not picking up after himself. It's along the lines of him being very selfish and then turning around to play victim. He did it last night right on schedule.

After 6 years, I am tired of it...I have spelled it out...literally on a piece of paper. I have zero patience for it anymore. Then, when I didn't want to hear it last night and walked away to go upstairs, he was right behind me saying, "wait wait wait....I am trying to tell you..." I said, "I already know what you're going to say, so let me cover it quickly..." I proceeded to name off the usual things he says. Then I asked him if I covered it all....he said yes. 

I've been on this merry go 'round for a long time now. I know how it works. It's sad I can even recite his words verbatim during these arguments. He knows I have a problem with it, but he continues to do so because it's not important to him and I am apparently nagging at him. He thinks he is entitled to this behavior because of the work he does. I don't know very many women who would put up with it as long as I have. In fact, his ex wife left for the same reason and even warned me of it.....

Damn those red flags you ignore before a marriage!!! Oh well. I made my bed....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I hate forums. I can't express my thoughts clearly. I felt you nailed it. You hit my situation almost exactly. All I was pointing out is that your understanding of clear communication is not his. He did not understand how far gone you were. He was "shocked" when you left. That is the dynamic in this whole thing we need to understand. How is it that a woman can tell her husband, until she's blue in the face, that she's gone if he doesn't shape up? Then the husband is "shocked" when she leaves?
> 
> How is that possible?
> 
> You are correct. I was not an abusive husband. I was not an obvious jerk. If I was, her walking away WOULD HAVE been something different. But I knew what her problems were with me. I just had NO IDEA they were big enough that she would check out of our marriage. When I realized she was gone, I too was "shocked", to say the least.




Glad we got that straight
I think people have a bad habit of applying their standards of what is important to their partner. The whole "I knew it bothered you but didn't realize it was that big of a deal" mentality. What that really means though is "I don't think it's that big of a deal so I'll treat it like it's not"..... except to your spouse it might in fact be a huge deal. Unfortunately we don't get to decide what should bother our spouses, and I get the frustration because my hb is bothered by things I think are stupid, but I try to remember that if it bothers him it is a big deal. I'm not always successful but I try.

I think if a woman sees you trying to address things that bother her you'll be ok, even if you don't get everything. The problem comes when she's either ignored or told she shouldn't feel how she does, as that's just plain dismissive. I'm sorry you went this. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> The problem comes when she's either ignored or told she shouldn't feel how she does, as that's just plain dismissive.



Raises hand. Guilty as charged.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

My wife is definitely conflict avoidant.

But here's the thing, I know her well enough to detect even the slightest shifts in mood. And I won't stop digging until all of the issues are clear and out in the open. 

That, to me, is one of the saddest aspects about the walk away phenomenon. That you could be married, and intimately tied, to a person and yet be so damn clueless about their non-verbal behavior as to actually be shocked that they've reached critical mass and you never even noticed.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I have been very, very clear with my H. In as many ways as I can think of. *He's still shocked every time I bring up him leaving* and will be truly shocked if it happens.
> 
> How? Because he doesn't take me seriously. He doesn't believe it's as bad as *I say* it is. He thinks we can just work it all out. I'll say I need you to fix a,b, and c.... he'll make an effort with b and think every thing is peachy.
> 
> A lot of men view legitimate concerns as just someone nagging, complaining, being emotional. They aren't taken seriously. You get met with Ya, ya *I heard* that you need me to help around the house but you're seriously going to make me leave because of it?! Fine, I'll do the [email protected] chores (for a few days and then back to the regular habits) because it's done to shut you up and not to fix the relationship.


A lot of talking and listening going on here. But no doing. Go ahead. Talk until you are blue in the face. Just don't come back here wondering why it isn't working. Talking really hasn't worked yet, has it? Why do you think that will change? That is on YOU!

You need to DO! Talk is cheap.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> A lot of talking and listening going on here. But no doing. Go ahead. Talk until you are blue in the face. Just don't come back here wondering why it isn't working. Talking really hasn't worked yet, has it? Why do you think that will change? That is on YOU!
> 
> You need to DO! Talk is cheap.



That's the problem, when 1 spouse doesn't listen to the other and doesn't think their words are serious. Talk is not cheap. Communication is important. Hear what they say. 

In a healthy relationship you should be able to tell your spouse what the issue is and come up with a plan to fix it. You should be able to communicate and talk it out. 
FTR- I have done actions to show I'm serious too but same results and it shouldn't have gotten that far to begin with IMO.

When women give up, WAW, it's because they are done talking about it. It's not up to the woman to force their husband to hear them.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I hate forums. I can't express my thoughts clearly. I felt you nailed it. You hit my situation almost exactly. All I was pointing out is that your understanding of clear communication is not his. He did not understand how far gone you were. He was "shocked" when you left. That is the dynamic in this whole thing we need to understand. How is it that a woman can tell her husband, until she's blue in the face, that she's gone if he doesn't shape up? Then the husband is "shocked" when she leaves?
> 
> How is that possible?
> 
> You are correct. I was not an abusive husband. I was not an obvious jerk. If I was, her walking away WOULD HAVE been something different. But I knew what her problems were with me. I just had NO IDEA they were big enough that she would check out of our marriage. When I realized she was gone, I too was "shocked", to say the least.


So you knew that she was unhappy and chose not to do anything out of love for HER and desire for her happiness since you did not know that there could be consequences for you? That is kind of depressing.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> A lot of talking and listening going on here. But no doing. Go ahead. Talk until you are blue in the face. Just don't come back here wondering why it isn't working. Talking really hasn't worked yet, has it? Why do you think that will change? That is on YOU!
> 
> You need to DO! Talk is cheap.


Talk is not cheap in my marriage. Both of us take the words coming out of the others' mouth very seriously.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Talk is not cheap.

Endless talk with no action, however, is.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Talk is not cheap.
> 
> Endless talk with no action, however, is.


The action that many WAW do is to plan their leaving, shut down and wait until it's time, which may be years. 

There's not that many actions you can take when it's all one sided


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> didn't someone post about his wife of six months, pregnant, walking away? not returning his phone calls...


Yes there was a thread like this. 

But, we don't have both sides of the story. 

For all we know she left for a good reason. If it was bad enough I get why she would not talk to him. 

Or she's just psycho and he made a bad choice in marrying her.

As usual we usually only get one side of the story here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Walk away wives are known for being *very passive* natured.... some men may not want a nagging bi*chy woman but at least you know WHAT she's pi**ed off about to give you the heads up... and many of these wives DID give at least subtle clues ...could have been a ton without getting too out of hand ....to what they needed/ wanted from you... but it could have shot right over your heads.. while you kept doing your own thing...oblivious to what is eating her inside..
> 
> Conflict is not our enemy... it is your best chance of getting this opened up.. and worked through....If you're not talking.. start talking... take her somewhere where you are in close quarters, no distractions.. and start the dialog.


While it's true that some women who are called WAW's are very passive and never say anything about how unhappy they are to their husbands, that's not the norm for most WAW's. Other's here have described it. Here's one good article on the topic. 

The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I hate forums. I can't express my thoughts clearly. I felt you nailed it. You hit my situation almost exactly. All I was pointing out is that your understanding of clear communication is not his. He did not understand how far gone you were. He was "shocked" when you left. That is the dynamic in this whole thing we need to understand. How is it that a woman can tell her husband, until she's blue in the face, that she's gone if he doesn't shape up? Then the husband is "shocked" when she leaves?
> 
> How is that possible?
> 
> You are correct. I was not an abusive husband. I was not an obvious jerk. If I was, her walking away WOULD HAVE been something different. But I knew what her problems were with me. I just had NO IDEA they were big enough that she would check out of our marriage. When I realized she was gone, I too was "shocked", to say the least.


This is why I really like the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". The purpose of these books is to teach couples that really listening to each other and really working to meet their spouse's needs is paramount in marriage. The books give a framework on how to do this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> A lot of talking and listening going on here. But no doing. Go ahead. Talk until you are blue in the face. Just don't come back here wondering why it isn't working. Talking really hasn't worked yet, has it? Why do you think that will change? That is on YOU!
> 
> You need to DO! Talk is cheap.


What is it that you suggest she do? Are you saying that she needs to just leave? Or something else?


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

There would be no way to answer this. Everyone's situation is different. What are the variables involved? Are their kids? What is the underlying culture of the women? Does the women have options - are guys hitting on her? etc...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

My wife never said a word one way or the other.

But the fact was she was not happy in our marriage.

She gained all her happiness from our children and grandchildren.

As I said in my first post.I never said a word.So yes calk can be cheep.When you go for years not being the husband you could/should be then who would believe the words.

Positive actions are noticed when repeated on a daily consistent basis.Any words prefacing said actions would make your changes look contrived.

I gave up on myself and my marriage and turned it around.I felt I deserved to be walked away from.

She noticed in a notable way.I can tell she is happy without a doubt.

I continue to work to be a better man.

55


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I don't have the answer Ele. If I did, I'd be rich.

Sorry to explain the worlds problems from my sole experience, but let me give you a little more info on my thoughts of the "how could he not know?" syndrome.

Part of my problem was my violent temper. I was a nasty scary person when this happened. It effected the whole house. But it all calmed down withing minutes. We all felt bad, but got on with our lives soon after.

I knew that horrible person wasn't me. That monster only took over my mind and body for tiny fractions of my waking hours. I felt terrible. We ALL felt terrible, but it went away and we were a happy family again. My wife loves me. I love her. We are each others soul mates and life partners. Surely these rare and short episodes can't hurt that, right?

But where I saw a monster take me over for moments at a time, my wife lived in fear of me 24-7. She walked on eggshells around me. She lived non-stop with the horror that was her husband.

Is that a little clearer? How could such a very rare personality trait in me cause her to leave? We have all of those great times together. Surely this temper won't change that. It's one kink in the armor of our strong marriage. But she was scared of me every waking hour. NEVER knowing what will set me off. Pretty exhausting. She chose to emotionally disconnect. I don't blame her at all.

Are you starting to see the disconnect? Me: minor problem in an otherwise perfect marriage. Her: I can't handle this monster any longer.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

It all depends on how often you did it, and what you did while you were that angry. It doesn't matter if the anger only lasts a few minutes if you're throwing things or right in someone's face screaming at them, that would make many people scared. If you were angry over small things, that would make many walk on eggshells. 

So, what seems to you to be a small amount of time, may have seemed to her to be a lot longer and happening more often. 

I know sometimes, like last night, my H will swear up and down we had a conversation about something and that he told me we talk about more several times, I can show him proof through Skype we only talked about it once (he was deployed and we typed a ton on skype because video rarely worked) but until he saw that information, he was dead set on "he talked about it several times"

Perception is part of communication and everyone - no matter what transpired - will see some things differently.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I don't have the answer Ele. If I did, I'd be rich.
> 
> Sorry to explain the worlds problems from my sole experience, but let me give you a little more info on my thoughts of the "how could he not know?" syndrome.
> 
> ...


that's my husband. Now, after twenty years I may become WAW. I have already tossed the word D two ago, and he was shocked. Man who called me 'stupid idiot" few weeks ago is shocked that I may even consider leaving. He says it's just his temper, and he always apologizes afterwards adn tries to make up, so by now I should get over it and get back to life as normal. I am too sensitive.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> that's my husband. Now, after twenty years I may become WAW. I have already tossed the word D two ago, and he was shocked. Man who called me 'stupid idiot" few weeks ago is shocked that I may even consider leaving. He says it's just his temper, and he always apologizes afterwards adn tries to make up, so by now I should get over it and get back to life as normal. *I am too sensitive*.


This makes my blood boil. Who the hell has the right to tell you how sensitive to be except you?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> It all depends on how often you did it,


Not for me. Living with a violent temper (his words) and condoning that behavior in front of the kids with my tacit acceptance? Not more than once.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to get help with your temper MachoMcCoy. It is not fair for the people living with you. They shouldn't have to deal with it. It makes perfect sense that she lives in fear of 'setting you off'. You admit you have no control over it.

Maybe if you tell her that you are receiving treatment for your temper, she will give you another chance.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Not for me. Living with a violent temper (his words) and condoning that behavior in front of the kids with my tacit acceptance? Not more than once.


You don't know what you would do until you are in it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> You don't know what you would do until you are in it.


Well, minus the kids, I have. I guess I know.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

And you left after one yelling /violent incident?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> You need to get help with your temper MachoMcCoy. It is not fair for the people living with you. They shouldn't have to deal with it. It makes perfect sense that she lives in fear of 'setting you off'. You admit you have no control over it.
> 
> Maybe if you tell her that you are receiving treatment for your temper, she will give you another chance.


The thing is, a lot of these people with the hair-trigger tempers DO have control over it. They are able to control it well enough not to blow up at their boss or customers at work because they know they'd be fired or would lose business if they let themselves be out of control like that.

So, for whatever reason, they think it's ok to blow up at home but NOT their boss, so it must be they aren't actually even trying to control themselves at home.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> And you left after one yelling /violent incident?


Well it wasn't "yelling". Yelling is not scary. But yelling is not exactly violent either. I left after 2. First one he got for free. Second one he learned I meant it when I said never again.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Good for you! But I stil have another question: was it just someone you were dating, just another guy, or was it something that you felt was your other half, love of your life?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Good for you! But I stil have another question: was it just someone you were dating, just another guy, or was it something that you felt was your other half, love of your life?


I was not married to him. I've only been married once. But I can't have a "love of my life" who is violent. It was only a few years. But ... yah no.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I don't have the answer Ele. If I did, I'd be rich.
> 
> Sorry to explain the worlds problems from my sole experience, but let me give you a little more info on my thoughts of the "how could he not know?" syndrome.
> 
> ...


I get how your wife felt as I've lived with that monster (manifested as my ex). 

Yes I get that to you it was a minor problem because you see yourself as a mostly good, loving person. There is a very good book on the topic that might help you if you are interested: "The Dance Of Anger".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

norajane said:


> The thing is, a lot of these people with the hair-trigger tempers DO have control over it. They are able to control it well enough not to blow up at their boss or customers at work because they know they'd be fired or would lose business if they let themselves be out of control like that.
> 
> So, for whatever reason, they think it's ok to blow up at home but NOT their boss, so it must be they aren't actually even trying to control themselves at home.


Yep. 

Another point about whether or not they have control of it is that usually there is an escalation. A person an learn to recognize themself escalating and pull back. They can do things to calm themselves down.. like going for a walk or some other exercise; go to a quiet place and calm down, listen to clamming music.


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## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

Part of my problem was my violent temper. I was a nasty scary person when this happened. It effected the whole house. But it all calmed down withing minutes. We all felt bad, but got on with our lives soon after.

I knew that horrible person wasn't me. That monster only took over my mind and body for tiny fractions of my waking hours. I felt terrible. We ALL felt terrible, but it went away and we were a happy family again. My wife loves me. I love her. We are each others soul mates and life partners. Surely these rare and short episodes can't hurt that, right?

But where I saw a monster take me over for moments at a time, my wife lived in fear of me 24-7. She walked on eggshells around me. She lived non-stop with the horror that was her husband.

Machoman I have been living with a man like this for over 20 years. We have been on the brink of divorce, I left the house only to return, because as someone mention there is a lot invested in this marriage. We have a small children who will be 18 in (7) years. 

I have told him over and over that his behavior is hurtful and I am sooooo sick of telling him this. Time will go by the house is quiet and happy and suuuree enough he explodes over something so minor.

I think he believes in his mind "I have not blown up in a long time," but to me and the children we go sprialing right back to that hurtful and frighten feeling and we are weeping inside. Why can't daddy and hubby be normal. Why is daddy/hubby always sooo mad at us. What did we do wrong this time.

It is exhausting emotionally to say the least. When times are quiet and I start loving him and trusing him with my heart again. When I truly starting enjoy making love with him. I promise you something sets him off AGAIN and I feel like such a
fool for believing in him and actually believing things can change.

So to be honest with you Machoman, I am quietly planning my departure, going back to school to bump up my earning potential and waiting for you little one to be 18.

The day I leave him he will be :scratchhead: trying to figure out where he went wrong. He will say to himself. I was a good provider, a good father and good husband. And that may be true, but he blew all this up with dynomite, he temper and his failure to believe that me and the children have had enough of it.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> You need to get help with your temper MachoMcCoy.


Oh, I got help alright. When my life crashed around me when I realized that the love of my life had checked out. I changed INSTANTLY. The dog peeing on the floor or someone taking too long to get out of the house was a NOTHING after that. My temper brought down my life. It left forever after that. I still get the feeling, but I keep it in check. I lost my wife, but thank god I didn't lose my kids. NO WAY I am going to let that happen. 

That's what this does to you. This kick in the gut. That's what the OP's husband needs. No more talk. Ignore ALL of that advice. Time for action.



SadSamIAm said:


> Maybe if you tell her that you are receiving treatment for your temper, she will give you another chance.


No, she's gone for good. We still live in the same house. Sleep in the same bed even. But out marriage is over for good. And "tell" and "say" and "talk" should be banished from this thread, unless it follows "don't".


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## zackie (Aug 27, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I don't have the answer Ele. If I did, I'd be rich.
> 
> Sorry to explain the worlds problems from my sole experience, but let me give you a little more info on my thoughts of the "how could he not know?" syndrome.
> 
> ...


I completely sympathize with your wife and know exactly how she feels.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luvinhim said:


> Machoman I have been living with a man like this for over 20 years. We have been on the brink of divorce, I left the house only to return, because as someone mention there is a lot invested in this marriage. We have a small children who will be 18 in (7) years.
> 
> I have told him over and over that his behavior is hurtful and I am sooooo sick of telling him this. Time will go by the house is quiet and happy and suuuree enough he explodes over something so minor.
> 
> ...


What you describe is called the "cycle of abuse". Some literature list 3 stages of the cycle, others break it down to a more.

The Tension-Building Stage
The Abuse Stage
The Remorse Stage


Cycle of Abuse

The Cycle of Abuse

Generally the person with the anger/abuse problems uses it to either relieve their own stress/anger and/or to maintain some control over their target through intimidation. 

The angry outburst releases endorphins and other good chemicals in the brain of the abuser, so they do not experience the outburst in the same way you their target does. The outburst clams the abuser. But it frightens, humiliates and emotionally hurts the target.


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## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

Generally the person with the anger/abuse problems uses it to either relieve their own stress/anger and/or to maintain some control over their target through intimidation. 

The angry outburst releases endorphins and other good chemicals in the brain of the abuser, so they do not experience the outburst in the same way you their target does. The outburst clams the abuser. But it frightens, humiliates and emotionally hurts the target. 

excatly ele girl. I keep going through this cycle and i want to get off. i keep trying to tell him how it affect me and the children, he will not listen. im just counting the days..........


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

luvinhim said:


> excatly ele girl. I keep going through this cycle and i want to get off. i keep trying to *tell him* how it affect me and the children, *he will not listen*. im just counting the days..........


You don't say. What a shock. 

How is it that Macho Mccoy KNOWS this will never work, but people are still trying to logic their way out of abusive relationships? 

I will NOT give up.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Macho, you sound a lot like Mr. K. You're not him are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Ibsen's _A Doll's House_.

The most powerful portrait of a walk away situation I've ever seen.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You don't say. What a shock.
> 
> How is it that Macho Mccoy KNOWS this will never work, but people are still trying to logic their way out of abusive relationships?
> 
> I will NOT give up.


Yes she should leave. That's what a WAW usually ends up doing. Sometimes they need to get some things together first, get comfortable with the idea. Whatever her reasons she is done but not ready to officially leave- yet. 

But, the fact that talking gets no results is NOT the fault of the 'talker' (wife), it's the fault of the one not listening (husband). 

You've said a few times, talking doesn't work.... that's the problem. Instead of looking at it as the wife needs to do more than talk, look at it as the husband needs to listen.

Had you listened right away you wouldn't be where you are now. That's not on your wife, that's on you.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> No, she's gone for good. We still live in the same house. Sleep in the same bed even. But out marriage is over for good. And "tell" and "say" and "talk" should be banished from this thread, unless it follows "don't".


Macho, sorry for your loss. Consider following Just Got It 55 example in your reformation. He pulled off a miracle and though you feel certain you've lost the marriage, you just never really know. 

You need to make this modification to your persona anyway for the sake of kids and future relationships, so what do you have to lose by showing everyone in your household you really are making the change? 

And you are right. Actions speak louder than words. Talkin the talk isn't the same as walkin the walk. Good luck, and don't let despair dominate your life.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Oh, I got help alright. When my life crashed around me when I realized that the love of my life had checked out. I changed INSTANTLY. The dog peeing on the floor or someone taking too long to get out of the house was a NOTHING after that. My temper brought down my life. It left forever after that. I still get the feeling, but I keep it in check. I lost my wife, but thank god I didn't lose my kids. NO WAY I am going to let that happen.
> 
> That's what this does to you. This kick in the gut. That's what the OP's husband needs. No more talk. Ignore ALL of that advice. Time for action.
> 
> ...


Macho I felt the same way but if you keep your mouth shut show her and more importantly your self consistent improvement as a man

In the same way a BS is trying to regain the things lost due to infidelity your improvements can only make you the man you want to be with your future relationships.

If you talk it then her thought or words will only express doubts, automatically setting you up for failure.Because she simply will not believe it.

Let her be pleasantly surprised in her own mind.When she really starts to believe it you WILL see the difference.

Rebuild your bonds fix that sh!t around your home that you know has been lacking (May not be your case but it was mine)

Be happy and positive always Listen to her make plans with her.

Have fun.

Do all these things in a way that is not over compensating.

Slow steady deliberate progress Consistency X 1000 



Be who you were in the beginning . After all that was the attraction.

Be fun pull the plug on your bad habits Commit 100% of your sexual energy to her and her only not "Mary Palmer"

Time to start this turn around But you have to want it. Be patient it took her a long time to get to where she is so clearly it will not happen overnight.

Never give up on yourself my brother Never.

55


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I've seen bouts of anger as well and it really affects me. 

While I agree with the no talk and all action advice, one thing that would mean a lot to me is if I was sat down, looked at in the eyes and had a sincere apology. No excuses. No "it was so rare that it happened though" or "but you know that's not who I am"
An honest "I understand how that made you feel and I am sorry for what I did"
Then leave it. Change. 
Change is important to me, yes. But so is closure for the resentments in the past. Me feeling like he knew what he did and how it hurt me would be an important step.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I've seen bouts of anger as well and it really affects me.
> 
> While I agree with the no talk and all action advice, one thing that would mean a lot to me is if I was sat down, looked at in the eyes and had a sincere apology. No excuses. No "it was so rare that it happened though" or "but you know that's not who I am"
> An honest "I understand how that made you feel and I am sorry for what I did"
> ...



SLG.....Absolutely no question acknowledge someone feelings/fears is the start to any relationship repair But you are exactly right Make the apology and let it stand... then act accordingly.

55


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I've seen bouts of anger as well and it really affects me.
> 
> While I agree with the no talk and all action advice, one thing that would mean a lot to me is if I was sat down, looked at in the eyes and had a sincere apology. No excuses. No "it was so rare that it happened though" or "but you know that's not who I am"
> An honest "I understand how that made you feel and I am sorry for what I did"
> ...


Check out the 5 love languages site. They have a section on apology laungauges. I checked this one out when my ex kept making waht I felt to be half hearted apologies. Turns out our apology languages are as opposite as our love langages..

Guess that's why she's an ex.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> Check out the 5 love languages site. They have a section on apology laungauges. I checked this one out when my ex kept making waht I felt to be half hearted apologies. Turns out our apology languages are as opposite as our love langages..
> 
> Guess that's why she's an ex.


I've never even thought of this before. Me and H go back and forth all the time about _real _appologies and how I feel he is not sincere. 

Turns out mine is Genuinely Repent. Makes sense. My guess is his is Request Forgiveness which is my lowest. 
Very interesting, thanks for the suggestion!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I've never even thought of this before. Me and H go back and forth all the time about _real _appologies and how I feel he is not sincere.
> 
> Turns out mine is Genuinely Repent. Makes sense. My guess is his is Request Forgiveness which is my lowest.
> Very interesting, thanks for the suggestion!


I swear if I had the love languages and apology langauages before we were married we might still be together.
Good basic information about how your spouse wants to be treated.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Macho, you sound a lot like Mr. K. You're not him are you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Never heard of him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Never heard of him.


ok, just checking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I'm sorry so much of this thread is directed at me. The only reason I keep this threadjack going is it is still about WAW's we're talking about.

JGI 55: I calculate that my wife checked out as long as 15 years ago. I figured it out about 4 or 5 years ago. So for 10 years, I was living with a woman who hated me and I didn't eve know it. Check that: I thought she loved me as much as I loved her, which was a lot. 

I have spent the past 3 years or so disconnecting from her. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I'm almost there. NO WAY am I going to forego that progress and get attached to her again. I have to live my life as best I can, and hoping that "this is SURELY going to be the night she doesn't just turn her back to me and go to sleep" isn't part of that. And I'm not talking about only sex. Just a little conversation. Just hold me for a few minutes. Not gonna' happen. And I'm SO CLOSE to the point that it doesn't destroy me when she ignores me each and every night. 

And if I DID try, and it looks like she's coming back, how do I know it's not a lie again? I can't risk it. I'm almost happy again. Well content anyway.

And I have been living better. I implemented a 180 and have been living it. For me, not her. And she LOVES the new me. I leave her alone and never touch her (well, as little as possible anyhow). She has never been happier.


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## zackie (Aug 27, 2013)

my husband disrespected me for years. Although I cried tears when he would he didn't care and wouldn't change. Then I became numb to it for years. Then I woke up and explained numerous times I refuse to be disrespected and emotionally abused. Only when I have one foot out the door of our marriage does he decide he will improve. Whenever I bring up the word Divorce he reacts with shock as if I'm blindsiding him every time. In my opinion when a man does this it just demonstrates he only cares about himself. The only reason he wants to change is because he is losing you. It's a loss for HIM. He never gave a crap when it's the wife lives in fear with anxiety every day, losing her sanity, self esteem and identity. He'll continue to disrespect and dish out the abuse because she'll still be there meeting his needs.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I'm sorry so much of this thread is directed at me. The only reason I keep this threadjack going is it is still about WAW's we're talking about.
> 
> JGI 55: I calculate that my wife checked out as long as 15 years ago. I figured it out about 4 or 5 years ago. So for 10 years, I was living with a woman who hated me and I didn't eve know it. Check that: I thought she loved me as much as I loved her, which was a lot.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a sad existence. Sad for you and also sad for me as I often feel I am living with someone like your wife who has checked out!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it is pretty hard to categorize all Walk Away Wives the same. 

There are relationships that are abusive. Like the excessive temper that MachoMcCoy's wife was dealing with. There are relationships where the husband is lazy and the wife asks over and over again for the husband to pull his weight and he just doesn't change and she gets fed up and leaves.

But there are also relationships where the wife isn't reasonable. Or she is the lazy one. In her mind, she has asked the husband thousands of times to do X, Y and Z. And she is ready to give up on him. And he has tried over and over to get her to realize that he is already pulling his weight. That she is being unreasonable. 

The wife may one day just Walk Away from the marriage. Sometimes she may have a very good reason for doing so. Other times, not so much.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

zackie said:


> my husband disrespected me for years. Although I cried tears when he would he didn't care and wouldn't change. Then I became numb to it for years. Then I woke up and explained numerous times I refuse to be disrespected and emotionally abused. Only when I have one foot out the door of our marriage does he decide he will improve. Whenever I bring up the word Divorce he reacts with shock as if I'm blindsiding him every time. In my opinion when a man does this it just demonstrates he only cares about himself. The only reason he wants to change is because he is losing you. It's a loss for HIM. He never gave a crap when it's the wife lives in fear with anxiety every day, losing her sanity, self esteem and identity. He'll continue to disrespect and dish out the abuse because she'll still be there meeting his needs.




I say this all the time and it's exactly what happened with my ex. He knew I was unhappy but he didn't think I was going anywhere, so once I dumped him he freaked out. Begged for tng counseling he'd refused, finally tried to talk to me, but I was done. It was all about him and his loss, not that he actually gave a sh!t about me. I tend to be of the mindset that if it takes dumping them for a spouse to make any effort they probably don't care that much about you personally, as long as their needs are met. Guys seem to get this where sex is concerned, if they have to dump their wife to get her to have sex with him they're advised all the time that she wants his money and is putting out to shut him up, but somehow this same guy will neglect his wife or treat her poorly, but can't understand why she's not interested when she asks for a divorce and he magically decides he now gets it. Your partner's happiness should always be a priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think it is pretty hard to categorize all Walk Away Wives the same.
> 
> There are relationships that are abusive. Like the excessive temper that MachoMcCoy's wife was dealing with. There are relationships where the husband is lazy and the wife asks over and over again for the husband to pull his weight and he just doesn't change and she gets fed up and leaves.
> 
> ...


I think that my ex-husband definitely believes he was pulling his weight. And in a way, he was.

He helped with everything - to the point of being wife number 2.

And I believe that contributed to our sexless marriage. 

He was over-helpful in unnecessary ways, and what I needed from him (leadership and sex), he was unwilling or unable to give.

But the bottom line for me was that he refused to do the work required to help create a healthy dynamic between us.

I found the article posted a couple of pages back ironic. It said that these husbands make great second husbands, and I think, at least in my case, that'll probably be true.

My ex still doesn't parent, but he regularly goes to therapy now, and I can tell he makes a greater effort to speak clearly and set boundaries for himself.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> But there are also relationships where the wife isn't reasonable. Or she is the lazy one. In her mind, she has asked the husband thousands of times to do X, Y and Z. And she is ready to give up on him. And he has tried over and over to get her to realize that he is already pulling his weight. That she is being unreasonable.


Can't a compromise be made here? Write down all the tasks and divide it in half? 

Sometimes when someone thinks they are pulling their weight (like a SAHM who thinks her job is ONLY childcare or the man who thinks just doing the yard work/outside jobs is equivilant to half of the chores) gets a shock when every task is written down and divided in half. Not saying that is the case here. Could also be that the wife here doesn't realize the tasks that the husband _is _doing so having it all written down would also help. 

Then no one has to b*tch about what the other is or isn't doing and it feels fair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think it is pretty hard to categorize all Walk Away Wives the same.
> 
> There are relationships that are abusive. Like the excessive temper that MachoMcCoy's wife was dealing with. There are relationships where the husband is lazy and the wife asks over and over again for the husband to pull his weight and he just doesn't change and she gets fed up and leaves.


I agree with this. What I don't like about the "Walk Away Wife" title is that it is often interpreted as that he was a great husband but his wife just one day left for no good reason. This is not usually the case.



SadSamIAm said:


> But there are also relationships where the wife isn't reasonable. Or she is the lazy one. In her mind, she has asked the husband thousands of times to do X, Y and Z. And she is ready to give up on him. And he has tried over and over to get her to realize that he is already pulling his weight. That she is being unreasonable.


You are right that there are some women who are unreasonable just as there are men who are. I have read a fair share of threads on TAM posted by men who say that they have given up on getting their wife to pay attention to the fact that they are unhappy in the marriage. So these husbands will be Walk Away Husbands as soon as the kids are out of the house.



SadSamIAm said:


> The wife may one day just Walk Away from the marriage. Sometimes she may have a very good reason for doing so. Other times, not so much.


Yes, just as some men have good reason to leave their marriages, other times not so much.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I'm sorry so much of this thread is directed at me. The only reason I keep this threadjack going is it is still about WAW's we're talking about.
> 
> JGI 55: I calculate that my wife checked out as long as 15 years ago. I figured it out about 4 or 5 years ago. So for 10 years, I was living with a woman who hated me and I didn't eve know it. Check that: I thought she loved me as much as I loved her, which was a lot.
> 
> ...


Macho.... sounds to me like you are the Walk Away

Are you waiting for the empty nest ?

55


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