# engaged but with a serious crush on someone else



## rsn85

Hi guys, I am in need of some advice on my situation. I'm engaged and been in a relationship with my fiance for several years now. We have had our ups and downs and have gone through a difficult time this past year, but we are ok at the moment and both working hard to get things back on track. We love each other a lot but are both quite different people, it has been a blessing and also sometimes quite frustrating both for her and me. 

I've recently started a new job and i give a lift to a colleague as she lives close by. It wasn't a big deal at first and I would have done the same thing regardless if they were male/female hot or not!

I am physically attracted to her but i've met other girls where I could say the same thing. I'm a guy and I won't deny the eyes wander but i've never ever acted on it, and its never bothered me before. 

The thing that i'm finding really difficult is that I really connect with this colleague of mine on a more intimate level. We have a lot in common, more than anyone i've met in a really long time, to be honest more than any other girl i've ever met and sometimes its actually quite weird thinking about it. We have a lot of shared interests and conversation between us flows so naturally and easily. Considering we haven't known each other all that long, we open up to each other about a lot of random stuff and it feels like i've known her for years. I don't know if she has any romantic feelings for me, we flirt a bit and she'll say the odd thing or a look here or there, but either way its irrelevant as nothing will ever happen between us anyway.

I don't know if she gets any vibes from me that I like her. I try my best not to make it obvious but maybe i might have let something slip, i dunno. She has told me with a grin on her face on a few occasions now that there are a few people in the office who have asked if there's something going on between us but she has told them that I'm about to be married.(even though she herself is also in a long term relationship, not sure what to make of that either, but again it doesn't really matter when it comes down to it) She's also mentioned stories of infidelity in her old workplace and random people she knows and asked me for my thoughts on it. I get the impression from her that she doesn't think its as bad as I probably do!

I was hoping these feelings would subside and hope they still will but its been really difficult. I find myself thinking about her a hell of a lot and I don't know how to get her out of my head. The biggest problem is that I am in confined space with her for an hour a day which really doesn't help! I'm just glad I have to keep my eyes on the road or I'd probably be checking her out all the time!! and the more I'm getting to know her, the more I like her. Luckily we don't work in the same department so I don't see her much during the day and there isn't anything for anyone to gossip about. I'm trying to find things that might annoy me about her or things that i'd find unattractive but its not working!! I've never experienced this intensity of feeling with anyone else during the time me and my fiance have been seeing each other.

I really hope that I can sort this out, I can't think of a good excuse to tell her that I can't give her a lift anymore and hope that it doesn't have to come to that. I would be a bit of a d*ck to just say i'm not going to give you a lift anymore. The alternative of telling her the truth, I just don't see what good it would do, as nothing would ever happen and it would make things really uncomfortable. What if she says she feels the same way? Then what do I do with that information? What if she says she doesn't then I just look like an idiot anyway. Its a no-win situation. 

I really hope that we could be good friends as I really enjoy her company on that level but I don't know if that's realistic if these feelings won't go away. My fiance hasn't met her, and although I've told her that I go to work with a colleague, i think she pictures someone else completely different (old and fat and with a boring personality probably ). I don't want to have to lie about anything so I don't really bring it up and my fiance hasn't really asked.

Maybe i'm thinking about all this way too deeply, its just that i don't want to be put in a situation in the future where i might cheat on my fiance. I just know that these feelings are hard to shake and i could do something really stupid in a moment of weakness. 

I Just want to enjoy being in her company without it taking over my thoughts and being such a distraction.

Any helpful advice anyone has for me would be much appreciated. If anyone's been in a similar situation before what did you do to overcome it?


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## 3Xnocharm

You really dont need an excuse to stop carpooling with her. You can say that you dont feel its appropriate since you are in a committed relationship that is leading into marriage, that it looks bad to others, or even that it makes your fiancee uncomfortable. You can find a way out of it gracefully. 

If I were you, I would be seriously questioning my relationship at this point. You are feeling a strong connection to someone who isnt your fiancee, so you really need to be examining your feelings and you ability to commit to this person.


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## Prodigal

rsn85 said:


> I really connect with this colleague of mine on a more intimate level. We have a lot in common, more than anyone i've met in a really long time, to be honest more than any other girl i've ever met.


^THIS.^ And the title of your thread.

Make a decision before you marry your fiance. People who have a serious crush on someone else and connect on an "intimate level" should reconsider being engaged. And definitely table any marriage plans for now.


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## Emerald

If you don't have "a serious crush" on your fiance, then you should break off the engagement.


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## wiigirl

Emerald said:


> If you don't have "a serious crush" on your fiance, then you should break off the engagement.


Agreed....you need to resolve this one way or another.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Don't get married.


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## Lyris

that_girl said:


> Don't get married.


Yep.


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## tom67

that_girl said:


> Don't get married.


Plus watch out at the workplace because if those rumors start spreading up in the chain the powers that be may think you are using work time to flirt with coworkers and on top of that if they know you are engaged well...


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## coupdegrace

If you're 100% committed to your fiance, you need to break away from the other girl. That sounds like an affair waiting to happen. It's okay to be attracted to other women, hell, it's human, but if you're starting to think about how wonderful this other girl is, the connection and how much you have in common, you're probably not ready to get married just yet. Additionally, it wouldn't be fair to your fiance.


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## Adex

This is a pretty simple one. You're not married yet so break off your engagement and give it a try with your coworker. 

If you do get married, it'll just get worse and you'll probably start an affair. Had you already been married and this happened, then the correct advice would be to totally avoid this girl. Divorce is messy so why get into marriage with someone you're obviously not that into.


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## lilith23

If you are not very connected to your fiancee, then it might be better to reconsider if you want to be with her or not. Without strong bond, there's bigger chance that you end up meeting a few more people with whom you are more compatible with, even if you give up on the current one. Also, not being fully in love is not a good thing.

If you really feel stronger for this girl, you might consider breaking up with your fiancee before starting anything with another one. Sometimes it happens, we fall deeper in love with someone else and realize how our current relationship lacked such intimacy. But the right thing to do is to break up the commitment you have with your current partner first, and only then it's ok to start anything with another person. Commitments should be honored. And it should be ended if your heart is not as committed anymore.


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## kate542

Why are you even thinking of getting married.
Clearly you are not taking marriage seriously, do you not have any idea of what marriage is about, I don't think you do.
When you marry you should love that person enough to put their feeling above your own. 
Are you doing that, I don't think so, you are doing the complete opposite. 
Creating a situation that could make your fiance extremely unhappy.
You are acting like a single person, ask yourself why you would want to do this.
Don't get married it won't last.


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## phlliphethe

You can say that you dont feel its appropriate since you are in a committed relationship that is leading into marriage


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## malkuth

open your eyes, if not this girl, there are thousands more that you can feel the same. It is the same for everyone but if you choose someone, you don't let it happen. you don't send any signals. If you can't take this feeling out of your head or heart, you are not good for your fiancee. 

Even if you choose her, think this way: I wouldn't like to be with someone whose reason not to be with someone else is only cause she is with me. she shouldn't come to that degree to make a choice.

you are not married yet and if you love her hope you can make up your mind and have a happy marriage but you should change your mind for that.


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## life101

Marriage isn't for you. At least not yet. Do your fiancee a favor and break it off. She deserves better.

You shouldn't piss where you eat. Office is not the place to look for that little extra something. You need to understsand the concept of boundaries and maintain them if you are interested in having a serious relationship in future.


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## DayDream

"But either way it's irrelevant as nothing would ever happen between us.." And so on and so forth you've mentioned more than a few times in your original post. Who you trying to convince here? The relationship has become inappropriate just even if it is in your mind. Cut it out (ergo stop the car pool and get some distance between you two) or break it off with your poor unsuspecting fiancé who probably deserves better than an eye-wandering, other woman lusting fool.


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## EleGirl

Why are you driving this woman to work? 

How did she get to work before you starting giving her a ride?

How did the two of you hook up for a ride share?

You say that she's in a committed relationship? Have you ever met her boy friend?


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