# Husbands friend likes me??



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Ok so I'm about to turn 24 years old, I've been married for 4 years now and I work for my dad at his restaurant. I have a cousin who also works there, she is a few years younger than me. She started dating one of our male coworkers, who happens to be "friends" with my husband. 

I had never really been around my cousin before and didn't know much about her until she started working for my dad. She started becoming very friendly with me and wanting to hang out with me. Not long after we started hanging out together, she started telling me some very weird things about her boyfriend. 

She randomly came up to me one day and told me that ever since we had started hanging out together, her boyfriend talks about me all the time. She said they got into a conversation about which one of their coworkers they'd have sex with. She said he told her that I was the only one that he would have sex with and then supposedly he made the comment that if he slept with me, he would make me forget all about my husband. She said they went out on a date together and he talked about me all night long. She said that he said I had the perfect body and that he would go into detail about specific parts of my body. The weird part is, she didn't seem to be mad or upset at all. It baffled me because if my husband was obsessing over some other woman I'd be furious. 

Before this, she had told me about how bad he wanted to have a threesome and that it was one of his biggest fantasies. So I started putting two and two together. I thought maybe they were looking to have a threesome with me. I was disturbed by the thought especially since she's my cousin, but I just couldn't think of any other reason why she would be telling me all of this. She even invited me to an overnight trip that they took together at a theme park, they stayed at a hotel that night and everything. I thought it would be awkward going on a trip like that by myself with another couple so I didn't go. Later on, she tells me that it was all his idea that I go on the trip with them and then she proceeded to tell me that the whole time they were there, all he talked about was wanting a threesome. 

So anyways, she told me not to tell my husband about any of this because she claimed she didn't want to ruin their friendship. I thought about it for a while and decided that he had a right to know. So I told him, and of course he was bothered by it but he said he wasn't going to confront him about it since he's never actually did or said anything inappropriate to me directly. He mostly just thought it was weird that my cousin was telling me this, and especially in such a casual way with no jealousy or emotions about it at all. He said it seemed like she was into the idea too. 

I figured if they end their friendship over it, he's better off. Because anyone that's going to talk that way about someone's wife isn't really a true friend. 

I also told my mom about all of this to get her opinion and she ended up telling my dad about it. Long story short, my dad got upset about it because this guy is someone that he considers a friend also, and he thought he could trust him. So he confronted him about it and told him that he basically needed to keep his inappropriate thoughts about me to himself and that he didn't want to hear anymore about it. Supposedly he denied saying most of that stuff about me, and all he admitted to was wanting a threesome but he says he didn't say with who. My cousin told me he really did say all those things about me and that he lied about it to my dad, probably because he didn't want my dad to knock the crap out of him.

So now my cousins boyfriend is mad at her for telling me and here's the insane part. My cousin started blaming ME for her boyfriend getting confronted about it. She said she told me not to to tell anyone and that she doesn't trust me anymore. She said that her boyfriend wouldn't have really tried to do anything with me and that it was all just talk, and that there was no reason for me to tell my husband or anyone else. And then she said that he didn't want me to go on their trip with them for anything sexual and that he just wanted to have fun and go on the rides. I told her if she wanted to blame anyone, to blame herself because she should have never told me in the first place. She started the whole thing. There was no point in telling me any of that. she said she told me because she thought I'd want to know, but I don't know why she would think id want to know something like that. I am perfectly happy with my marriage and have zero interest in someone like him. So now it's to the point where I don't really want anything to do with either one of them anymore. I'm pretty much done. I don't think she's being a true friend to me and I don't think her boyfriend is a true friend to my husband if he really said all that stuff, and he probably did. 

Right before all this happened, she even told me that she got one of her friends to agree to have a threesome with them and that she had decided to participate. They even set a date for it and everything according to her. That alone should be enough to prove that they were really serious about it and that it wasn't just all "talk". 

What would you have done in this situation? Would you have told your husband? Did I just take everything too seriously? Just wondering if there was anything I could have or should have done differently so I'll know what to do if this happens again in the future.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Get the h.ll away from people like that. Very good your dad ended this. But you should have told your husband first, or did you?

Your cousin needs to find another job, she is poison to your life.

This all makes the impression that your cousins friend is having a minimal IQ, and she is not much better. 

Did you tell your husband immediately about it??


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Seems like you've addressed and handled the problem correctly. 

It wasn't hard to guess that either one or both of them are swingers. It was good you told your father (the employer) as well as your husband. A confrontation ensued, in which the gf and bf were put in check. And that should be the end of that.

If it was me in your shoes, I'd show i'm not comfortable with it, by dismissing it with a very judgmental tone. Such as- SMIRK and say- "Um, no judgement here- but i'm not a swinger. But hey- if thats your thing... & you like being with guys that obsess over my body- then uh- more power to ya. I guess?" And walk off. 

If your dad confronting them did not finish them off- your dismissive tone should. 

You did not over react. In plain language- that sh!t is just weird.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Get the h.ll away from people like that. Very good your dad ended this. But you should have told your husband first, or did you?
> 
> Your cousin needs to find another job, she is poison to your life.
> 
> ...


Yes. I told him the same night that she told me all of this. He was the first person I told. I tried explaining to her that he is my husband and we don't keep secrets for each other. I makes it even worse that this guy tries to be friends with my husband. I just think it's very disrespectful to try to be friends with someone and then talk about wanting to have sex with their wife behind their back. But now that they've been confronted about it by my dad, they want to act like it was just talk and that i basically made a big deal over nothing. 

I figured her boyfriend didn't really care if I found out about it or not, otherwise he would have kept his comments to himself. Especially considering the fact that my cousin is known for being a blabber mouth. She literally can not keep a secret. I assumed they just wanted to see my reaction to see if I was interested or not. My husband said the same thing as you and that I probably shouldn't hang out with her anymore, and after all this, I can honestly say I have no desire to be friends with her anymore.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Well done!


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

IcePrincess28 said:


> Seems like you've addressed and handled the problem correctly.
> 
> It wasn't hard to guess that either one or both of them are swingers. It was good you told your father (the employer) as well as your husband. A confrontation ensued, in which the gf and bf were put in check. And that should be the end of that.
> 
> ...


I thought the same thing about them being swingers. she's asked several times if my husband and I would go on a double date with them. Which normally wouldn't be out of the ordinary because people do go on double dates sometimes. But she was being pretty persistent about it, and especially knowing the things that I know, just makes the idea of going on a double date with them seem even weirder. 

I think she is delusional if she thinks her boyfriend wouldn't really do something with me if given the chance. He already cheats on her. She complains all the time about how he gets on his webcam and video chats with naked girls, And technically he is still legally married and has 2 kids. So what makes her think he wouldn't do it with me? She claims it's because he wouldn't betray my husband like that. I guess because he's just such a moral and trustworthy person (sarcasm)

She compared it to when me and her talk about guys. It's not the same thing at all though. We have made jokes about going to a male strip club before ( I wouldn't really go) or we might say someone is cute but that's a totally different thing than talking about wanting to have sex with someone and being just plain obsessive about it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

kittykatz said:


> I also told my mom about all of this to get her opinion and she ended up telling my dad about it. Long story short, my dad got upset about it because this guy is someone that he considers a friend also, and he thought he could trust him. ...
> 
> So now my cousins boyfriend is mad at her for telling me and here's the insane part. My cousin started blaming ME for her boyfriend getting confronted about it. She said she told me not to to tell anyone and that she doesn't trust me anymore.



On that one point, your cousin is right. I understand you telling your husband about this, but there was *NO* reason for you to tell your mom. It's not her business, and she's not involved. Your cousin confided in you. 

I don't know how close the two of you were, but maybe your cousin was only telling you all this because you are friends and she wants to confide in someone? Now you broke that trust. 

I understand you didn't want to hear about their threesomes, but *the appropriate response to that is to TELL HER you don't want to hear anymore about the threesomes.* Or break off contact with her if she doesn't stop. Instead, you went to tell Mommy. I don't blame your cousin for being angry at you. 

You are 24. You are not a child anymore. You should be able to handle this kind of problem yourself instead of getting your parents to do it for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> She said he told her that I was the only one that he would have sex with and then supposedly he made the comment that if he slept with me, he would make me forget all about my husband. She said they went out on a date together and he talked about me all night long. She said that he said I had the perfect body and that he would go into detail about specific parts of my body. The weird part is, she didn't seem to be mad or upset at all.


CREEP ALERT. 

Seriously, what kind of boyfriend tells his girlfriend they want to fck her cousin?! The audacity of that is astounding. He has zero respect for your cousin (his girlfriend), you or your marriage.

I would axe this guy from work.

And you cousin sounds weird too. And she has low self-esteem if she is dating guys who speak to her that way. 

Yuck all around.

You were right to tell your husband and this creep. And I would tell your cousin you are NOT interested in talking about this or her boyfriend or anything. Tell her you are married and these conversations are way out of line. Also tell her her husband has zero respect for her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> She complains all the time about how he gets on his webcam and video chats with naked girls, And technically he is still legally married and has 2 kids.


Your cousin is an even bigger idiot than I first thought.



kittykatz said:


> So what makes her think he wouldn't do it with me?


Um, because, hopefully you wouldn't?!

I think you are giving these two way too much of your headspace. I would cut this type of conversation off and seriously considering having your dad not let them work there. They don't sound right in the head. Plus you said you only just recently met/have a relationship with your cousin. Neither of them sound like they are working with a full deck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> CREEP ALERT.
> 
> Seriously, what kind of boyfriend tells his girlfriend they want to fck her cousin?! The audacity of that is astounding. He has zero respect for your cousin (his girlfriend), you or your marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Your father should've fired this assh*le.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Keep these toxic people out of your life. Poisons like this does no good for you.

Protect your marriage. Nothing is a higher priority for you. Dump this relationship and keep them that way. Pure evil.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

intheory said:


> OP, I'm twice your age (48). Your post is interesting because it shows how times have changed.
> 
> "When I was your age", this type of conversation topic pretty much didn't take place. I'm sure 3somes have always happened throughout history. But, wow, this stuff has sure taken off and become almost commonplace(?) The legacy of internet porn, I guess.
> 
> From my older point of view; I think it is totally disgusting that someone, _especially a relative_, would try to set you up and proposition you this way. Yuck.


This isn't an "older/younger" thing before you start feeling old and crusty--lol. It's just wholly inappropriate. A cousin telling her cousin that her boyfriend said he wants to fck her and have a threesome knowing full-well she is married is WRONG. Not matter what year you were born in. LOL.

It also has a lot of Jerry Springer vibes. 

I agree with those that said these people are TOXIC to OP.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

OP,

This cousin has zero morals. This freak will ruin her life. These are the kinds of toxins in life to protect your marriage from.

The stronger your boundaries are, the safer your marriage is. Sounds like you've done the right things. Your Husband should be proud.

Keep up your strong instincts and care of your marriage. Never let a day go by that you don't invest it your relationship. It is one of the most cherished things you will ever have.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Theseus said:


> On that one point, your cousin is right. I understand you telling your husband about this, but there was *NO* reason for you to tell your mom. It's not her business, and she's not involved. Your cousin confided in you.


Her cousin was obviously trying to get her into bed with her boyfriend. She is being used. That is where the crime is at, not that Kitty told her mom. This was not a confidence, it was an indecent proposal, something that other people SHOULD know about and be warned about. 

The husband should know as well as the family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. This is not an instance where confidence is necessary.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

I just have zero respect for girls that want to please their jerk BF so badly- that they would help facilitate his desire for a threesome. I've seen this scenario play out a handful of times. And I'm usually a very empathetic person towards other people's plights- except for the "threesome plight."

And if indeed- she wants it as badly as he does- then she is just as bad as he. Either way- who cares if she is mad at you? So be it. She does not even seem to have the decency to act embarrassed after all was said and done.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Just wanted to say thanks for the replies everyone. I've decided I'm not going to be concerned if my cousin is mad at me or not because she's obviously someone that's not a real friend anyway. I don't care how much she denies it, she told me those things because she was seeing if I'd be interested in him or not. I don't see any other reason for it. But now that it's out in the open she wants to act like it was all just a bunch of talk and that it was no big deal. I told her that I'm a very trustworthy person and there are some things I won't tell.... But when it comes to someone trying to ruin my marriage, you better believe I'm going to tell someone. 

My cousin is very different from me and grew up in a very different family. Maybe in her mind she honestly didn't see anything wrong with what she was doing. Either way, if either of them had have been true friends, they wouldn't have tried to screw with my marriage.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

wanttolove said:


> Her cousin was obviously trying to get her into bed with her boyfriend. She is being used. That is where the crime is at, not that Kitty told her mom. This was not a confidence, it was an indecent proposal, something that other people SHOULD know about and be warned about.



Their "indecent proposal" might make them jerks, but it's not a crime. And it's ludicrous to claim your parents need to be warned about a threesome someone else is planning. Are you serious?


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Their "indecent proposal" might make them jerks, but it's not a crime. And it's ludicrous to claim your parents need to be warned about a threesome someone else is planning. Are you serious?


If my parents didnt own the restaurant then no, they wouldn't need to be warned. It would be none of their business. But since they do own the restaurant I think they have just as much of a right to know about it as my husband. If I owned a business and one of my employees was making inappropriate comments to another employee, I'd certainly want to know so I could take care of it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Yes. I told him the same night that she told me all of this. He was the first person I told. I tried explaining to her that he is my husband and we don't keep secrets for each other. I makes it even worse that this guy tries to be friends with my husband. I just think it's very disrespectful to try to be friends with someone and then talk about wanting to have sex with their wife behind their back.


Yes, it really is disrespectful to be friends with someone and then take steps to set up a threesome with his wife. Very disrespectful. 

Which is why I am stunned that your husband just hand-waved this away, and didn't confront his friend right away. I'd think he'd want to have a face to face discussion along the lines of "stay the f*ck away from my wife and me."

I'm actually amazed he didn't say anything at all to his friend. Were you amazed, too? 

I'd have gone to my parents in that situation, too. I would feel really creepy being around your cousin and her bf. I'd want the support and eyes and ears in case things got weirder. And a claim of sexual harassment.

And, really, your cousin was going to be part of a threesome with her own cousin? That's just, ugh. Also hard to believe! You sure have some strange people in your life.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

kittykatz said:


> I thought the same thing about them being swingers. she's asked several times if my husband and I would go on a double date with them. Which normally wouldn't be out of the ordinary because people do go on double dates sometimes. But she was being pretty persistent about it, and especially knowing the things that I know, just makes the idea of going on a double date with them seem even weirder.
> 
> I think she is delusional if she thinks her boyfriend wouldn't really do something with me if given the chance. He already cheats on her. She complains all the time about how he gets on his webcam and video chats with naked girls, And technically he is still legally married and has 2 kids. So what makes her think he wouldn't do it with me? She claims it's because he wouldn't betray my husband like that. I guess because he's just such a moral and trustworthy person (sarcasm)
> 
> She compared it to when me and her talk about guys. It's not the same thing at all though. We have made jokes about going to a male strip club before ( I wouldn't really go) or we might say someone is cute but that's a totally different thing than talking about wanting to have sex with someone and being just plain obsessive about it.


This guy is still married and has two kids!!! Your cousin has serious problems dating this character and wanted to drag you into this mess? Oh boy -- you were very smart to avoid this slippery slope the way that you did. Congratulations!!!!:smthumbup:


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

norajane said:


> Yes, it really is disrespectful to be friends with someone and then take steps to set up a threesome with his wife. Very disrespectful.
> 
> Which is why I am stunned that your husband just hand-waved this away, and didn't confront his friend right away. I'd think he'd want to have a face to face discussion along the lines of "stay the f*ck away from my wife and me."
> 
> ...


My husband is very passive and he hates confrontation. It gets annoying at times. I'm glad he's not the jealous type that will punch a guy in the face just for looking at me the wrong way, but sometimes I wish he was a little more assertive. 

He told me that since his friend had never actually said or did anything to me, he didn't see a need to talk to him. From his point of view, he didn't want to jump all over his friend for something that he might not have even said. There's no real proof that he said those things. We can't be 100% positive that my cousin is telling the truth. She may have exaggerated a bit, but I find it a little far fetched to think she would make up the whole thing. She went into great detail about things that he said about me. 

My dad said that when he confronted the boyfriend about it, he actually started crying. To me, that makes him look guilty. He was probably ashamed, and he thought he was going to get fired.

My husband seemed liked like he was mostly just concerned with my cousin and why she was telling me these things. But he really didn't seem too concerned at all about his friend.... I think maybe he was just hoping that my cousin was lying about the things he said and didn't want to believe that a "friend" would do that to him... So maybe it was easier for him to just put all the blame on my cousin. 

I'm not going to lie... I was a little disappointed. It would have been nice if he had have at least approached him and asked him if he said all of those things. Of course he probably would have denied it just like he did when my dad approached him, but at least it would have been something. 

He told me that he didn't think I needed to be friends with my cousin anymore but I think he doesn't need to be friends with her boyfriend anymore either. I think it'd be best if we stayed away from both of them.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

ifweonly said:


> This guy is still married and has two kids!!! Your cousin has serious problems dating this character and wanted to drag you into this mess? Oh boy -- you were very smart to avoid this slippery slope the way that you did. Congratulations!!!!:smthumbup:


If you think that sounds bad, that's not even the whole story. His wife got pregnant so he married her and then about a year or so later, things started going downhill. He knew they were having problems, yet for some reason he thought it'd be a great idea to get her pregnant again. So he gets her pregnant with their second child, and a few months into the pregnancy he decides he doesn't want to be with her anymore. She didn't have anywhere to go so he drops his pregnant wife and kid off at a homeless shelter. Not too long after, he meets my cousin and she moves in with him after dating for only a few weeks. His wife was crazy, Ill admit that... But when you start bringing kids into the world it's your responsibility to make sure they're taken care of. 

I told my cousin plenty of times that she doesn't need to be with someone like that. She says he's jealous, controlling, he cheats on her, disrespects her, he's always threatening to leave her, and she always runs back to him. He wanted a threesome and what does she do? Not only does she agree to it but she actually goes out and tries to find someone for him. It's like there's no limits. He can do whatever he wants and he knows she will deal with it. 

I finally gave up trying to give her any advice because she never listened. I've came to the conclusion that maybe the reason they're still together is because they deserve each other.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

kittykatz said:


> ....he doesn't want to be with her anymore. She didn't have anywhere to go so he drops his pregnant wife and kid off at a homeless shelter. Not too long after, he meets my cousin and she moves in with him after dating for only a few weeks....


 <loss for words>


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kittykatz said:


> ...if either of them had have been true friends, they wouldn't have tried to screw with my marriage.


Yep!



kittykatz said:


> He told me that he didn't think I needed to be friends with my cousin anymore but I think he doesn't need to be friends with her boyfriend anymore either. I think it'd be best if we stayed away from both of them.


Yep again!

And I agree, by the way... your husband needs to be (at least) a bit more assertive.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

IcePrincess28 said:


> <loss for words>


Ditto. That's about as repugnant as it gets.

Seriously... what a f*cking d**chenozzle.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kittykatz said:


> If you think that sounds bad, that's not even the whole story. His wife got pregnant so he married her and then about a year or so later, things started going downhill. He knew they were having problems, yet for some reason he thought it'd be a great idea to get her pregnant again. So he gets her pregnant with their second child, and a few months into the pregnancy he decides he doesn't want to be with her anymore. She didn't have anywhere to go so he drops his pregnant wife and kid off at a homeless shelter. Not too long after, he meets my cousin and she moves in with him after dating for only a few weeks. His wife was crazy, Ill admit that... But when you start bringing kids into the world it's your responsibility to make sure they're taken care of.
> 
> I told my cousin plenty of times that she doesn't need to be with someone like that. She says he's jealous, controlling, he cheats on her, disrespects her, he's always threatening to leave her, and she always runs back to him. He wanted a threesome and what does she do? Not only does she agree to it but she actually goes out and tries to find someone for him. It's like there's no limits. He can do whatever he wants and he knows she will deal with it.
> 
> I finally gave up trying to give her any advice because she never listened. I've came to the conclusion that maybe the reason they're still together is because they deserve each other.


I think that it was Jellybeans that touched on this earlier...

Your cousin has *MAJOR* self-esteem issues.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Yep!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Do you have any suggestions? He's been very passive the whole time I've been with him. I know I can't change his personality, and I don't want to change it completely. I'd rather him be more on the passive side than to be a hot head. I just want to know that when a situation such as this one comes up, that I can count on him to stick up for me. I mean we are talking about his FRIEND supposedly obsessing over wanting to have sex with his wife. I think most guys would be pretty pissed but it was like he didn't have any jealousy at all... Or at least he didn't show it. 

I can see his point of view. Technically it's all hear-say. All of this is coming from my cousins mouth... Not his. But he could have at least brought it up to him and asked him about it. 

I honestly think the only way he would say something to him is if he said something inappropriate directly to me or touched me inappropriately. And even then, He probably wouldn't really want to.

I'm not very assertive either and I'm actually very quiet and conservative. But if I was in his situation, I don't think I could help myself, I'd have to say something. I would be pissed. I think everyone wants their spouse to be jealous to some extent, otherwise you feel like they just don't give a crap.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He's probably just not that concerned by another guy having inappropriate thoughts about a woman, despite her marital status, because maybe it's really not that big of a deal to him. As long as the guy doesn't ever act on it. Only problem is, though your husband doesn't see it this way, this guy tried to act on it indirectly. He was using your twit of a cousin to try set something up. 

Now she may be a walking argument for birth control, however, he's a complete sleaze. I'd avoid them both too. Probably pointless expecting your DH to be annoyed at his friend about it. He doesn't see anything wrong with harbouring lustful thoughts about a married woman as long as nothing is done about it. Just a male perspective I guess. He thinks your cousin was in the wrong for trying to make something come of it. I think she was just a pawn though, not the actual perpetrator.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> My husband is very passive and he hates confrontation. It gets annoying at times. I'm glad he's not the jealous type that will punch a guy in the face just for looking at me the wrong way, but sometimes I wish he was a little more assertive.
> 
> He told me that since his friend had never actually said or did anything to me, he didn't see a need to talk to him. From his point of view, he didn't want to jump all over his friend for something that he might not have even said. There's no real proof that he said those things. We can't be 100% positive that my cousin is telling the truth. She may have exaggerated a bit, but I find it a little far fetched to think she would make up the whole thing. She went into great detail about things that he said about me.
> 
> ...


This boyfriend of you is not made for a having a good, strong marriage. Dump him, for we have seen enough of his kind going bad in relations.

You need a better man.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> This boyfriend of you is not made for a having a good, strong marriage. Dump him, for we have seen enough of his kind going bad in relations.
> 
> You need a better man.


We have been married for 4 years and have been together for 6. I'm not the type to just throw away a relationship unless something major happens. The fact that he's a little too passive is really the only thing that bothers me about him. He's never cheated, not possessive or controlling, he's respectful, considerate, very generous, very hard working, and easy to get along with. 
Sure, his lack of assertiveness annoys me at times, but I don't think it's serious enough to divorce him. 

When we first started dating there were several incidents when we would be walking down the street and guys would shout out things at us. Like once I remember we were walking into a store and some guy in the back of a truck yelled "hey man! Tell your girlfriend to call me" and he just kind of laughed it off. He said if he had have gotten mad, he would have given him the reaction he wanted. In cases like this, I'm glad that he doesn't get overly jealous. I would have been embarrassed if he had have went chasing after that guy. It wasnt that serious. It was just some random guy trying to show off. 

But this wasn't just some random guy.... This was someone that was supposed to be his friend. My husband was even the best man at his wedding. That's the part that really makes this guy a creep. At least if youre going to try to have sex with someone's wife, don't pretend to be their friend. Thats just dirty. 

I don't know why he doesn't see it that way. I guess it's because he just doesn't like gossip and hear-say. And to him, I don't think he took it that seriously.... It was all just a bunch of gossip for all he knew. 

But it doesn't take a genius to figure out that when someone tells you their boyfriends biggest fantasy is to have a threesome and then directly after that, they tell you that he talks about wanting to have sex with you all the time, that person is obviously trying to get you in the bed with them.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

breeze said:


> He's probably just not that concerned by another guy having inappropriate thoughts about a woman, despite her marital status, because maybe it's really not that big of a deal to him. As long as the guy doesn't ever act on it. Only problem is, though your husband doesn't see it this way, this guy tried to act on it indirectly. He was using your twit of a cousin to try set something up.
> 
> Now she may be a walking argument for birth control, however, he's a complete sleaze. I'd avoid them both too. Probably pointless expecting your DH to be annoyed at his friend about it. He doesn't see anything wrong with harbouring lustful thoughts about a married woman as long as nothing is done about it. Just a male perspective I guess. He thinks your cousin was in the wrong for trying to make something come of it. I think she was just a pawn though, not the actual perpetrator.


It makes me wonder if maybe he doesn't see anything wrong with it because maybe he fantasizes about having sex with his friends wives too. That's a pleasant thought. Men are such pigs! 

Maybe it's just the difference between women and men's brains, but honestly when I see an attractive guy, my mind doesn't usually go straight to sex. I might think "wow he's attractive." But very rarely, if ever, do I think "omg he's so hot I'd love to jump his bones. I'd love to see him naked". Especially if it's someone I know personally.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> We have been married for 4 years and have been together for 6. I'm not the type to just throw away a relationship unless something major happens. The fact that he's a little too passive is really the only thing that bothers me about him. He's never cheated, not possessive or controlling, he's respectful, considerate, very generous, very hard working, and easy to get along with.
> Sure, his lack of assertiveness annoys me at times, but I don't think it's serious enough to divorce him.


Oh, I am sorry, I thought you were not married. In that case you really need to work this issue out of your relation I would say. 

Maybe schedule regular 'Marriage Time', and talk about things, how you both feel about them (Not discuss or argue) and what your needs are from each other (Not demanding, just communicating, give the other the possibility to give what you need).


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Ok I need some more advice. I am so pissed right now!! I just got on Facebook a while ago and saw that my cousin updated her status to "I trusted you and told you everything and then you ruin a good friendship. I'm glad it meant that much to you- feeling betrayed".

 wth?? If she wants to blame someone for ruining any friendships she should be blaming herself! I will never understand why some people feel the need to put their personal business on FB. I was pissed off at her already just for trying to blame me for everything, but now she's going to post about it on Facebook and try to turn everyone against me like IM the one that did something wrong?? 

I feel like she just wants to start drama so I don't know if I should even reply to that, although I really want to. I've already made up my mind that I'm not going to associate myself with her anymore, but I haven't actually told her this. Should I respond to her post or just delete her off my friends list? Should I tell her straight up that I'm done with her? 

Since she wants to put our business out there, I'm tempted to let everyone know the WHOLE story so that she can be exposed for the type of person she really is, but at the same time I don't want to stoop down to her level. What do I do??


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Unfriend, block, and ignore her.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Your cousin and weirdo boy need to be fired immediately. I was in charge of a large corporation for many years and occasionally encountered situations like this. I quickly learned the proper response was swift job termination. Works every time.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Your father should've fired this assh*le.


Amen!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

kittykatz said:


> Ok I need some more advice. I am so pissed right now!! I just got on Facebook a while ago and saw that my cousin updated her status to "I trusted you and told you everything and then you ruin a good friendship. I'm glad it meant that much to you- feeling betrayed".
> 
> wth?? If she wants to blame someone for ruining any friendships she should be blaming herself! I will never understand why some people feel the need to put their personal business on FB. I was pissed off at her already just for trying to blame me for everything, but now she's going to post about it on Facebook and try to turn everyone against me like IM the one that did something wrong??
> 
> ...


Let it go...for now.
If she blabs more do what you have to do.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

any time you do something to protect your marriage, its the right thing. even if that means telling parents things that they dont need to know. now that they know, they can help you protect your marriage too. unless of course they dont want to protect your marriage... in which case telling them would do you no good. but thats not the case here. 

kittykatz, kudos on you. you represent the part of TAM that everyone loves to see.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

kittykatz said:


> Ok I need some more advice. I am so pissed right now!! I just got on Facebook a while ago and saw that my cousin updated her status to "I trusted you and told you everything and then you ruin a good friendship. I'm glad it meant that much to you- feeling betrayed".
> 
> wth?? If she wants to blame someone for ruining any friendships she should be blaming herself! I will never understand why some people feel the need to put their personal business on FB. I was pissed off at her already just for trying to blame me for everything, but now she's going to post about it on Facebook and try to turn everyone against me like IM the one that did something wrong??
> 
> ...


Your husband's a good guy and you're getting pissed because he's not a hothead. Instead of worrying about what your cousins doing and what she's saying you've got problems you need to deal with now, and that's how you think about your husband too passive. I am sure he is a real nice guy probably a little too mature insecure about himself here you are wanting to sabotage your marriage.and here you are wanting to change him for something so stupid "he's too passive" and you're on here accusing him of wanting to not confront his friend. first of all you have no evidence that he's thinking that way pervert and you have no evidence of this at all.you're on here talking behind his back and you're his wife...guess we'll see how long this marriage last..! because he might be thinking the same sexual fantasies of his friend. calling him a pig and you have no evidence of this I feel sorry your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Sparta said:


> Your husband's a good guy and you're getting pissed because he's not a hothead. Instead of worrying about what your cousins doing and what she's saying you've got problems you need to deal with now, and that's how you think about your husband too passive. I am sure he is a real nice guy probably a little too mature insecure about himself here you are wanting to sabotage your marriage.and here you are wanting to change him for something so stupid "he's too passive" and you're on here accusing him of wanting to not confront his friend. first of all you have no evidence that he's thinking that way pervert and you have no evidence of this at all.you're on here talking behind his back and you're his wife...guess we'll see how long this marriage last..! because he might be thinking the same sexual fantasies of his friend. calling him a pig and you have no evidence of this I feel sorry your husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sparta, i would dip out of this conversation if you dont want to start a flame war. you made a lot of assumptions in this post that could easily be viewed as baiting or disrespectful.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Sparta said:


> Your husband's a good guy and you're getting pissed because he's not a hothead. Instead of worrying about what your cousins doing and what she's saying you've got problems you need to deal with now, and that's how you think about your husband too passive. I am sure he is a real nice guy probably a little too mature insecure about himself here you are wanting to sabotage your marriage.and here you are wanting to change him for something so stupid "he's too passive" and you're on here accusing him of wanting to not confront his friend. first of all you have no evidence that he's thinking that way pervert and you have no evidence of this at all.you're on here talking behind his back and you're his wife...guess we'll see how long this marriage last..! because he might be thinking the same sexual fantasies of his friend. calling him a pig and you have no evidence of this I feel sorry your husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry but I just had to laugh at your post. I can't take you seriously because it's obvious that you haven't paid any attention to anything I've said. 

If you want to go reread my post I said I'm GLAD my husbands not a hothead and that I'd rather him be more on the passive side than to be too aggressive. Again, his passiveness sometimes can frustrate me but at the same time, I can also see his point of view in this situation. When I said men are pigs, that was kind of a joke.... You should try it sometime. 

And secondly no I was not talking about this behind my husbands back. I just got done talking to him about it as a matter of fact. I brought up my concerns to him, because that's what people who care about their marriage do.... They communicate to each other. We had a mature, calm conversation about it. He explained his point of view, I explained mine, and we are both on the same page about it. I can understand his perspective and he understands mine.

If I didn't care about my marriage or didn't want it to work, I wouldn't have told my husband about any of this. I told him because he's my husband and it was an issue concerning myself and HIS friend so I thought he should know. That's all I have to say to you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Guys these days have to walk a fine line. If you're too assertive, you come off as a controlling (and possibly abusive) neanderthal d**chebag; conversely, if you're not assertive enough, you're thought of as a sniveling weenie. It sucks.

For those of us who have no innate sense of how to strike a good balance between the two extremes, it can take a while to learn. And I speak from experience on that, because it took quite a while for me to learn it for myself.

Now, as for men being pigs or whatever, if we're reeeaaaaally being honest w/ ourselves, we'll all readily admit that each of us (well... the majority of us, anyway) -- deep down inside -- is just as horny and immature as we were at 14 years of age. It's just that we get to the point where we learn how to behave in public.

Well... (again) most of us, anyway.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Amen!


In a way, I kind of agree. I'd feel bad if they got fired, but then again, it would be their own fault. Maybe they'd learn to think about the consequences before they go blurting out inappropriate comments. 

My dad tends to give people more chances than they deserve though. Not to mention, this guy and my dad are close. They help each other out a lot, and my dad thought that he could trust him. But I don't think he will be making anymore nasty comments about me since my dad had that little talk with him about it... Or at least he probably won't be saying them to my cousin since he knows she will obviously tell.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Guys these days have to walk a fine line. If you're too assertive, you come off as a controlling (and possibly abusive) neanderthal d**chebag; conversely, if you're not assertive enough, you're thought of as a sniveling weenie. It sucks.
> 
> For those of us who have no innate sense of how to strike a good balance between the two extremes, it can take a while to learn. And I speak from experience on that, because it took quite a while for me to learn it for myself.
> 
> ...


I think you're right. My husbands dad has a very similar personality as my husband. He's very laid back, and easy to get along with. He doesn't like conflict. My husband told me that his stepmom used to always act like his dad was a total wuss because of it. (They're now divorced by the way) they were basically complete opposites. The stepmom was more of the loud, obnoxious type. She was always starting something. 

I don't think my husbands a wuss. I believe that if I was ever in a situation where he truly felt I was in danger, he would protect me. He's just not the type to pick a fight with someone unless he has a really good reason. And in a way, I think it's an admirable quality to have. I know tons of people who wish they had the self restraint and the ability to think about things logically instead of always just acting on emotion. 

He's also the type of person that likes to know facts before he makes judgments about someone. He likes to consider the source. In this case, it was my cousin, and she's not a very reliable source, so I can see where he's coming from. However, when I told him that his friend supposedly started crying when my dad confronted him about it, my husband did admit that the crying did seem like a sign that he was probably guilty. It wouldn't make much sense to me for him to cry unless he truly felt he had done something wrong. So with that being said, my husband said that he won't be as trusting of him from now on, so at least now he's aware.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i agree about the crying. i went through a course on behavioral symptom analysis(part of a course on how to interrogate detainees) a while back and one thing that was mentioned was that when you accuse someone of something and its false, the universal reaction is anger. not crying.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> i agree about the crying. i went through a course on behavioral symptom analysis(part of a course on how to interrogate detainees) a while back and one thing that was mentioned was that when you accuse someone of something and its false, the universal reaction is anger. not crying.


 That's funny because that's the exact thing I told my husband. I kept trying to imagine if I was in his friends shoes and I was being falsely accused. I told my husband that I would be irate at my girlfriend for making up something like that about me. If I was guilty I would probably cry for a number of reasons... Shame remorse, embarrassment, the list goes on.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

kittykatz said:


> If I owned a business and one of my employees was making inappropriate comments to another employee, I'd certainly want to know so I could take care of it.


I still don't think that employers need to know about the threesomes their employees are having. Inappropriate comments to other employees, yes - *BUT*... comments have to be unwanted, and that starts with you, before the employer steps in. Nowhere did I see where you simply *told* your cousin that you didn't want to hear about any of this. 




kittykatz said:


> My dad said that when he confronted the boyfriend about it, he actually started crying. To me, that makes him look guilty. He was probably ashamed, and he thought he was going to get fired.
> 
> My husband seemed liked like he was mostly just concerned with my cousin and why she was telling me these things. But he really didn't seem too concerned at all about his friend.... I think maybe he was just hoping that my cousin was lying about the things he said and didn't want to believe that a "friend" would do that to him... So maybe it was easier for him to just put all the blame on my cousin.
> 
> I'm not going to lie... I was a little disappointed. It would have been nice if he had have at least approached him and asked him if he said all of those things.


While I hate to use the inflammatory accusation "drama queen", what happened to you was not exactly the crime of the century. Someone wanted to have a threesome with you. Big deal. No one tried to touch you or force you into anything. You seem to want your husband to get angry over this, but the best response is simply to say no and move on. 



kittykatz said:


> Ok I need some more advice. I am so pissed right now!! I just got on Facebook a while ago and saw that my cousin updated her status to "I trusted you and told you everything and then you ruin a good friendship. I'm glad it meant that much to you- feeling betrayed".
> 
> wth??


Once again, let's recap:

1. She approached you with the idea of a threesome with her boyfriend.
2. Instead of telling her to back off, you went to tell your parents, and her boss, and he confronted them for you. 

Of course she is angry! She feels like you violated her trust (apparently she saw it as a "good friendship" even if you didn't see it the same way), and if you had a problem with it, you could have simply told her directly before you resorted to telling everyone else. 



> _Should I respond to her post or just delete her off my friends list? Should I tell her straight up that I'm done with her? _


Yes!! If you are done with her, then TELL HER!! Through this whole thread you tried to get your parents and your husband to do your dirty work for you (and ironically, you complain about him being too passive!). *You have anything to tell her, then tell her yourself*.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

I agree with every point Theseus has made. 

You're here on TAM- because you are looking for a better way to solve problems. Most here- have advised you

1) To *tell her directly* that you disapprove of her actions
2) walk away from this cousin that you yourself do not even claim to be friends with

But you have not. Instead, you're giving her advice on her relationship- and you're following her on facebook- contemplating whether to engage with her in her drama. Maybe i'm just not the typical 28 year old. But ever since Facebook was created- i've never considered an online battle w someone. You don't need to put on a show- If her credibility is that fallible- its going to be obvious what is true and what is not.



kittykatz said:


> I told my cousin plenty of times that she doesn't need to be with someone like that. .............
> 
> I finally gave up trying to give her any advice because she never listened. I've came to the conclusion that maybe the reason they're still together is because they deserve each other.





kittykatz said:


> Ok I need some more advice. I am so pissed right now!! *I just got on Facebook a while ago and saw that my cousin updated her status* to "I trusted you and told you everything and then you ruin a good friendship. I'm glad it meant that much to you- feeling betrayed".
> 
> wth?? If she wants to blame someone for ruining any friendships she should be blaming herself! I will never understand why some people feel the need to put their personal business on FB. I was pissed off at her already just for trying to blame me for everything, but now she's going to post about it on Facebook and try* to turn everyone against me *like IM the one that did something wrong??
> 
> ...


Maybe its your age. You're young. I get it... kind of. You want to "defend" your reputation. I wouldn't even engage in it. It just sounds like a scene from a modern day episode of Jerry Springer. Threesomes, Facebook wars, letting everyone know your side of the story. Let them be. 

You already know you're cousin is acting immature. You know she doesn't listen to advice. You know that she got with her boyfriend- after he had dumped his pregnant wife at a homeless shelter. But you're still choosing to engage with her, tell us about how pathetic of a dater she is, and ignore the number one advice you've been given. 

Tell her yourself, and leave it at that. She was not your friend to begin with- according to you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. Your cousin has some serious self esteem problems and it shows if she's involved with some bum that can't keep his thoughts in his head. 

He knows your cousin is weak and will follow him on what ever he wants to do. The only one that can do anything about it is your cousin and if it was me, I would just avoid her and her idiot boyfriend and be done with them. 

If she brings up the incident again, just let her know in a way that she understands that the conversation is over and there's nothing more to be said. Just avoid them. Their trouble and will cause problems as long as you let them.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The FIL is the only real man in this scenario.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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