# how to know it's over



## score23 (Jun 13, 2016)

I'm a 43 yr old male and married for over 20 yrs. But the last 5 yrs have been really tough. We've been fighting a lot more then we have and usually or dumb things. We have one teenager together and he's 15 yrs old. The one thing that has stop and it's killing me is that our sex life has stopped. Meaning we haven't had sex in 5 yrs. 

Now, she's just been diagnosed with endometriosis. I've done a lot of reading with Endo and some women can have sex but others find it way to painful. She's in the painful category, hence no sex for 5 yrs. but in that 5 yrs she didn't have Endo. She would just give me an excuse every time i would ask and i would get turned down. So i stop asking. I know you can still have intimacy without having sex but she still refuses that too. All i get from her is that i have a hand, use it. 

Our son has heard us arguing a lot. Now, i don't get into screaming matches with her. So i would sit there listen to her and try to calm her down and if that didn't work i would clam up and stare at the TV. I really hate to argue. 

I don't want to leave her and i still love her but I've asked her to go to counselling. All i get we can figure this it out on our owe we don't need a counselor but again that's BS because we are still having issues. I'm stumped i don't know what to do.

the last argument we had she stormed off and left the house to cool off and i finally had to talk to my son that i can't take too much more of this and he gets it and understands if i have to go. I don't want too but i feel stuck and i don't know what my next step is....


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Yes it's over. If she's not willing to go to counseling, and disagreements turn into one way shouting matches then there will be no resolution.

Your story is written here over and over, on countless threads and on numerous relationship forums around the internet. The answer is unfortunately always the same. 

Nothing to save here. Life is short, don't waste another minute. Especially when you consider that lthe amount and tenure of spousal support is usually directly related to the length of the marriage.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sounds like she wants you to be okay with no sex. I don't know much about her condition, personally...BUT...if sex is painful, then perhaps becoming intimate with you knowing it will end in frustration for her, might not be appealing. So, maybe be understanding on that front, but she as to be understanding over your needs, too. You're in your 40's, does she think that you're both just done with sex ...forever? But, it might be painful for her on an emotional level, because of the physical pain she's in. I understand both sides, but she has to be willing to compromise for your needs, and you hers...or it won't last. 

Not many people lead successful marriages when they become little more than roommates. I'd take her to dinner, maybe have a nice night out, and discuss calmly some of your concerns. Tell her you love her, but that you want to see some things change. You will help her with some of the sexual issues. Does her condition affect orgasm on her part, because if not, you can always perform oral on her (if she likes that) or she can even do herself, and you watch her. And then she can perform oral on you, etc. Just some ideas 

I think your issues go further than her condition causing problems in the bedroom, from the sounds of it, though.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mclane said:


> Yes it's over. If she's not willing to go to counseling, and disagreements turn into one way shouting matches then there will be no resolution.
> 
> Your story is written here over and over, on countless threads and on numerous relationship forums around the internet. The answer is unfortunately always the same.
> 
> Nothing to save here. Life is short, don't waste another minute. Especially when you consider that lthe amount and tenure of spousal support is usually directly related to the length of the marriage.


In a way, I kind of see this, too. I just hate to see someone end it if there's still love there.  But it can't be one-sided.


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## score23 (Jun 13, 2016)

that's what i have suggested to her but wants no part of sex of any kind. I try to talk to her calmly but she really gets pissy about it and usually turns into a fight. I've never once thought of having an affair but i have needs and all i get is use your hand. I would give anything just to see her naked but anytime she needs to change or anything is lock the bedroom door or bathroom. So I'm stuck or i feel stuck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

score23 said:


> The one thing that has stop and it's killing me is that our sex life has stopped. Meaning we haven't had sex in 5 yrs.
> 
> Now, she's just been diagnosed with endometriosis. I've done a lot of reading with Endo and some women can have sex but others find it way to painful. She's in the painful category, hence no sex for 5 yrs. but in that 5 yrs she didn't have Endo. She would just give me an excuse every time i would ask and i would get turned down. So i stop asking. I know you can still have intimacy without having sex but she still refuses that too. All i get from her is that i have a hand, use it.


I don't understand what you mean. Was sex okay before she got endometriosis? How long has she had it for?

What does she yell at you about? Are these arguments about sex?


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## score23 (Jun 13, 2016)

sorry for the confusion, 5 years and no sex. 3 years with no issues but the last 2 years she's experiencing a lot of pain and only the last 6 months she found out that she's had Endo.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What do you two fight about? What does she say when she's yelling at you?


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## score23 (Jun 13, 2016)

the last fight was one of the dumbest. she ask me to take our dog the vet, np i did that. she asks if i could get our dog some chew able pills because she has bad hips, np. i ask the vet asst. what i need she points it out, i buy it. i come home and text her a pic of pills, my wife texts back and says thanks. Great but ten minutes later i get a text saying i bought the wrong pills!! i tell her this is what they recommended but they are wrong too (vets office) because my wife searched online and it's the WRONG pills, here we go!!! i tell her u don't like it bring it back yourself. 

So she comes home and goes right to the couch and just sits there and i know she's not happy. My son now comes up stairs and joking says whats for dinner Mom but my son didn't notice that i was in the process of starting dinner for everyone. And i know my son he was just kidding with her.

She gets up and the exact words out for her mouth is "why the **** do i even come home". Storms out of the house and goes for a ride for 2 hours to "cool off" in her words. Then she comes home and goes right to our room and slams the bedroom door. Doesn't come out all night and goes next morning is still pissed at me that i didn't check on her when she was in her bedroom to see if she was ok because she stated that she had a migraine. Jesus i can't win with her.

At the end of all this the pills were the right ones after all!!! i didn't rub it in her face either but she couldn't even apologize either.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It doesn't sound like she's upset with you. It sounds like she is upset with life and based on what you said about refusing counseling, she doesn't want to do anything about it. 

What is being done for the endo?

It doesn't sound like she's interested in sex in general. It could be hormonal issues, since endo is believed to be caused by hormonal problems.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Yikes! Have you considered having your son move in with you when/if you leave? She sounds unpredictable..


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## score23 (Jun 13, 2016)

that's the main issue!! she refuses to go to counselling with me. i started going for the last 5 months and it's helped me but she thinks we can work it out on our own!! I can't force her but i think sorry i know it would help us!!!


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

score,

I am going to throw a monkey wrench in this, but if i were you I'd be a LITTLE bit interested in where she took off to for two hours, especially if this is a common thing that she does.

just trying to help, but one of the first red flags when a woman is detaching because of another man is to make her husband the most evil, disgusting, worthless moron she knows and to pick fights with him over nonsense constantly. That makes what she is doing OK in her mind.

I am NOT saying that is for sure happening here, but you seem at wits end, she refuses therapy, and you need to find out all the answers you can before making any decisions.

She also might not have a boyfriend but a girlfriend who is telling her how right she is on everything. I would just take a look at your phone records to see if there are an inordinate amount of calls and time to numbers that you are not aware of.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

https://youtu.be/mkcKQmr7kRc


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At 43 you could have a life why waste what you have left.

I'd move on at a fast pace. Your son will do fine.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> At 43 you could have a life why waste what you have left.
> 
> I'd move on at a fast pace. Your son will do fine.


Well, in all honesty you don't know how the son will do. Children of divorce tend to be worse off than those from intact marriages. That much being said you don't stay in a bad, high conflict marriage "for the children" because high conflict marriages can also do boatloads of damage to the innocent children.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

score23 said:


> the last fight was one of the dumbest. she ask me to take our dog the vet, np i did that. she asks if i could get our dog some chew able pills because she has bad hips, np. i ask the vet asst. what i need she points it out, i buy it. i come home and text her a pic of pills, my wife texts back and says thanks. Great but ten minutes later i get a text saying i bought the wrong pills!! i tell her this is what they recommended but they are wrong too (vets office) because my wife searched online and it's the WRONG pills, here we go!!! i tell her u don't like it bring it back yourself.
> 
> So she comes home and goes right to the couch and just sits there and i know she's not happy. My son now comes up stairs and joking says whats for dinner Mom but my son didn't notice that i was in the process of starting dinner for everyone. And i know my son he was just kidding with her.
> 
> ...


She is so out of order, something else is going on under the bonnet. I have a few suggestions

1. NO sex is a sign of many things, but no sex and picking fights could be a sign of cheating
2. No sex, painful sex a sign her hormones are all over the place
3. Could be the onset of perimenopause (the endo would be cleared up once meno comes), would account for the irrational mood swings.

I think you need to have a quiet word, be firm but in control and considerate, she just might need some TLC, some women sail through perimenopause, others become devils in disguise


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

"We can fix it on our own", huh?...How's that working out for you?

I'd say that 5 years of no sex would say you are well on your way to getting your marriage fixed...NOT!

What is keeping you around?

And, your latest exchange with her and the fact that she won't even let you see her naked kinda leads me to believe that she is either cheating on you or is mentally unstable. I'm leaning towards unstable. 

Does she have any history of physical or sexual abuse?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> score,
> 
> I am going to throw a monkey wrench in this, but if i were you I'd be a LITTLE bit interested in where she took off to for two hours, especially if this is a common thing that she does.
> 
> ...


This is a reach and not helpful in the least. Not likely. It doesn't matter. You hang in there for as long as you can and you will know when you are done with the nonsense. It doesn't matter what the basis of her dysfunction is.....when you have had enough you will pull the plug.


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