# We live together, but don't speak



## imtired (Mar 10, 2017)

About two and a half weeks ago, my husband and I just stopped speaking.

We have been married for over 15 years and have several children together. Our marriage has never been ideal. There's a history of lying, cheating and abuse on his part. I spent years trying to get him to pay more attention to me, value me, but I gave up on that a long time ago. And how we have both just resigned to not caring.

Divorce is not an option for the sake of our children. And because of our work schedules we don't see each other for more than 2 hours a day anyway. Doesn't look like either of us is going to budge, and make any type of attempt to fix this situation.

I am not saying that I'm perfect, or blameless in this situation. My lack of caring over the last several years has led to me withholding affection, and saying very hurtful things.

I have no expectation that this will be fixed. What I want to know is, can two people live this way long term? I'm incredibly lonely but, seeking a relationship outside of his marriage is not an option either. In my heart I do believe that eventually we will divorce, but not until the children move out of the house, which may take 15 years.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sure, anything is possible. You could live this way for a long time. 

You have to ask yourself, would that truly be best for your children to watch and see that their parents are miserable and can't even stand each other, over seeing them each happy and in love with a mate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is this really the home life you want for your children? They are learning that this is what marriage is like. They will end up in the same mess you are in.

Staying together for the sake of the children is not always in the best interest of the children. 

Some day they will come to realize that you stayed only because of them. They will then carry the burden of being the reason that you lived a miserable life. How do you think they will feel about that? How much respect do you think they will have for you and your husband when they realize that? Probably not much at all.

I think that you could teach your children a much better example by divorcing. Then you can show them that a strong woman does not allow herself to be mistreated like this. You daughters will learn that they don't have to put up with this nonsense. And your sons will learn that they cannot treat a woman they way your husband treats you.


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## ColoradoGram (Mar 12, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Is this really the home life you want for your children? They are learning that this is what marriage is like. They will end up in the same mess you are in.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I am in the same boat, married 33 years and now we don't speak, we don't communicate in "any" way . It wasn't a single incident just a gradual drifting apart. Now where do we go from here? There is too much awkwardness to just bring it up. My advice is to nip it in the bud now. Let your kids know you are working on your mommy/daddy relationship. They know something is up . 



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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ColoradoGram said:


> I am in the same boat, married 33 years and now we don't speak, we don't communicate in "any" way . It wasn't a single incident just a gradual drifting apart. Now where do we go from here? There is too much awkwardness to just bring it up. My advice is to nip it in the bud now. Let your kids know you are working on your mommy/daddy relationship. They know something is up .


If you are going to stay together, why not just start talking and interacting. Sure it might be awkward at first. But one of you has to break the silence. Nothing will change until one of you does this.


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## ColoradoGram (Mar 12, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> If you are going to stay together, why not just start talking and interacting. Sure it might be awkward at first. But one of you has to break the silence. Nothing will change until one of you does this.




It's so hard, I don't feel he cares any more , I know i am tired of trying , but no one is going anywhere , we don't believe in divorce 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ColoradoGram said:


> It's so hard, I don't feel he cares any more , I know i am tired of trying , but no one is going anywhere , we don't believe in divorce
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


 if the reason you don't believe in divorce is your faith, we are the same, BUT he is a lying cheating abuser, you have clear biblical reason to end this awful marriage.
Children are deeply affected by how their parents act. Do you want them growing up to be the same as him? Do you want your sons to act the same way towards their future wives?Do you want your daughters to think this is what they must accept? 

In what way is he abusive?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ColoradoGram said:


> I am in the same boat, married 33 years and now we don't speak, we don't communicate in "any" way . It wasn't a single incident just a gradual drifting apart. Now where do we go from here? There is too much awkwardness to just bring it up. My advice is to nip it in the bud now. Let your kids know you are working on your mommy/daddy relationship. They know something is up .
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Why are you still there?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

imtired said:


> About two and a half weeks ago, my husband and I just stopped speaking.
> 
> We have been married for over 15 years and have several children together. Our marriage has never been ideal. There's a history of lying, cheating and abuse on his part. I spent years trying to get him to pay more attention to me, value me, but I gave up on that a long time ago. And how we have both just resigned to not caring.
> 
> ...


Nah not buying it.

So he's essentially in your own words allowed to cheat, abused and lie all because of the children?

For what sake of your kids? Seeing their mom happy and thriving, living her life or seeing mom at home with dad not talking with no affection?

Depending on how old they are, kids may not be able to articulate themselves but they definitely note dynamics, like mom and dad aren't speaking/are cold to each other/ body language etc.

And surely if you whole thing is the kids I assume they move out at 18? Isn't divorce and the fact you've been keeping you've been unhappy this long still going to mess them up?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You don't believe in divorce, but you do believe it's OK to show your kids what a terrible life they can expect, that it's OK to be miserable and void of affection and respect. 

I think you need to rethink things. Kids are little echoes, they have a tendency to repeat the lessons learned from mom and dad. You are truly doing your kids no favors raising them in that kind of environment, that misery becomes their normal.

But that's not what you asked about is it? You wanted to know if two people could live together without speaking? The answer is yes , I just wouldn't call it living, more like being in a coma.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Life is short.. Question... Living like this.. imagining staying for another 15 yrs or whatever it would be...long term.. what will this do to you ...is there any JOY in your life.. anything you look forward to.. any happiness ? How does one disconnect this part of their life...it has to feel like a daily sacrifice, stuffing your resentment down...until you have become NUMB....are you numb ?

When was the last time you were truly happy, hopeful, felt your life was in tune with your goals, dreams, aspirations? 

Growing up...hanging out at my cousin's house...I remember them sharing with me how they WISHED their parents would just divorce.. they didn't talk, they just "lived together" silently.. ignoring one another.. They obviously put on a "good face" to others as this was rather shocking TO ME hearing this... they did wait till these girls were in college.. but what a waste..

On the other hand, there I was... a child of Divorce...I remember my Mom & Dad fighting, yelling... the weren't silent.. they hashed it out alright...they divorced when I was 9... but at least my father went on to marry someone who was pretty much "perfect" for him... they were on the same page... wanted the same things...they've had a wonderful marriage for the last 40 yrs. She wasn't my favorite person.. kinda sucked as a Step mother... but still I had a good example of what a Marriage was supposed to look like.... 2 people who enjoyed each other, teamwork, respect and compatibility. 

If living like this is affecting your happiness , this will trickle down to your children, do consider the example before them...also if your daughters were in your situation... you wouldn't want them to stay.. you would do all you could to get them out of there -for an enjoyable life, even if on their own... to find happiness with someone who Valued them, was faithful and treated them with respect & love.. Just something to think about..


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

ColoradoGram said:


> It's so hard, I don't feel he cares any more , I know i am tired of trying , but no one is going anywhere , we don't believe in divorce


So, when your children are in such a marriage as you are, and they tell you that they don't talk with their spouse, they're not happy, they're tired of trying, but they're not going anywhere because they don't believe in divorce, what will you say to them?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Divorce is always an option.

Believe it or not, people with children get divorced, all the time. 

They are no different than you are, except they are free and you are in a self-imposed prison.


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## imtired (Mar 10, 2017)

I do have some joy with my kids. But even that is overshadowed with everything else.

Aside from the kids, financially we can't make it separately. We own a home together, and living separately would cost twice as much. We just don't have it.

I did write out some thoughts and emailed him today. He states my hurtful words, and the fact that I think so little of him is something he can't overcome.And he's not willing to try.

Our children have never known him as anything but caring. The abuse happened before them. And I would never tell them.

It's a crap situation. Not ideal for either of us, or the kids. But divorce would mean one of us would be homeless. We do not have friends, and are not near family. 

I appreciate all the responses. I will try to make the best of it. Maybe something will change some day. Death comes before you know it anyways.


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## imtired (Mar 10, 2017)

ColoradoGram said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > If you are going to stay together, why not just start talking and interacting. Sure it might be awkward at first. But one of you has to break the silence. Nothing will change until one of you does this.
> ...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

imtired said:


> I do have some joy with my kids. But even that is overshadowed with everything else.
> 
> Aside from the kids, financially we can't make it separately. We own a home together, and living separately would cost twice as much. We just don't have it.
> 
> ...


That is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. There are always options, they just take work to find them and implement them. Go talk with a counselor or someone who can guide you, believe me when I say you can have a happy live, but it's not going to just come to you, you have to go build it.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

imtired said:


> About two and a half weeks ago, my husband and I just stopped speaking.
> 
> We have been married for over 15 years and have several children together. Our marriage has never been ideal. There's a history of lying, cheating and abuse on his part. I spent years trying to get him to pay more attention to me, value me, but I gave up on that a long time ago. And how we have both just resigned to not caring.
> 
> ...


NO, you can't live this way long term.

And, take it from someone who "stayed for the kids"...DON'T DO IT! I was in the fantasy world that believed staying was best for the kids. NO, not the case. Kids are way smarter than you think and pick up on EVERYTHING! In fact, my oldest had zero respect for me for staying with me ex as long as I did. Since we split, our relationship is great (with my oldest, not my ex).


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

ColoradoGram said:


> It's so hard, I don't feel he cares any more , I know i am tired of trying , but no one is going anywhere , we don't believe in divorce
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


So you'd rather be miserable for eternity?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

imtired said:


> I do have some joy with my kids. But even that is overshadowed with everything else.
> 
> Aside from the kids, financially we can't make it separately. We own a home together, and living separately would cost twice as much. We just don't have it.
> 
> ...


Yes you can make it alone, millions do. You would have to both get an apartment maybe and live on a smaller budget and both work full time, or one of you could move to be nearer family. However, you can do it, you just dont want to, that's your choice, but your children are suffering living in such an unhappy miserable house. What sort of picture are you both giving them of a good functional healthy marriage?


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## ThreefoldCord (Mar 13, 2017)

No marriage is beyond repair. It may take a lot of work and a lot of time for the relationship to be restored but I think it is very possible. I think you have to be the bigger person and start speaking. You may think that you can pretend for the sake of the kids but children are very smart and notice interactions between their parents. They can probably sense there is no love there. I think you should really pray about it (if you believe in prayer) and ask God for strength you so you are able to put your pride aside. Just start by trying to befriend your husband. You may be rejected but its better to try that to live in misery. There's nothing worse than being under the same roof with your husband and feeling totally alone. At least think about your kids and their future. You never want them thinking that it's normal to have a marriage where both parents don't communicate. You run the risk of passing that on to your children and believe it or not, it will later affect them when they get married... I know from experience.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

ThreefoldCord said:


> No marriage is beyond repair.


 @ThreefoldCord

Welcome to TAM and welcome to my top ten "ridiculous posts list".


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

ColoradoGram said:


> It's so hard, I don't feel he cares any more , I know i am tired of trying , but no one is going anywhere , we don't believe in divorce
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Do you believe in happiness?


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

imtired said:


> About two and a half weeks ago, my husband and I just stopped speaking.
> 
> We have been married for over 15 years and have several children together. Our marriage has never been ideal. There's a history of lying, cheating and abuse on his part. I spent years trying to get him to pay more attention to me, value me, but I gave up on that a long time ago. And how we have both just resigned to not caring.
> 
> ...


I understand I'm probably wasting my time saying this but....

01. Depression?
02. Alcohol?
03. Are you or your husband the children of alcoholics?
04. Are you willing to make a change?
05. Are you strong enough to be the change you seek?
06. Do you have a picture of what you want your life to become?
07. Is your husband in that picture?

There is opportunity in every low point in life. Thus when people say "he/she hit bottom". Where is the opportunity
and where does one begin. Obviously you have to talk. The problem with talking is that you will simply say the same things
you have been saying. You will make no change that way.

There is a lot of information to suggest that NOT talking is an opportunity if viewed in the best way. People have written entire novels
by blinking their eyes or moving a single finger. A famous Yogi named Baba Harri Dass quit talking. His reasoning was that too many
words get in the way. He took a child's chalkboard and wrote everything on the board. This forced a discipline on him as the space was
small and the process slow. Writing sets up a block between what you think and how quickly the words come out of your mouth.

The result is that you only write what is important and self censor negativity.

Hand your partner a chalk board and a box of chalk. You do it too. Make a point. Hanging out in the misery space you find yourself in
is no way to live a life.


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