# Tried to leave abusive husband - failed



## Readytogo

I’m tired. (25 years of this sh*t) The latest occurrence really makes me want to act fast and move quicker than I can make appointments and see counselors. Last week I took a few days off to help my step mom with her surgery recovery. – Husband was NOT happy that I was leaving. 

– I’ve learned that he’s a controlling abuser and am trying to work out where to go and how. However, I told him “deal with it, my mom needs me more than you”. I stayed up at my moms for about 4 nights, 5 days. I came home Saturday – day. I was tired from helping her out for 5 days. I drove 2 hours to get home. Came home and made a good dinner, cleaned up and went to bed exhausted. I think he was upset that there was no sex. (If I go away, he expects sex the night I return, or he thinks I’ve been with someone else).
Sunday; I wake him around noon – (his night off) and ask if he wants to go to the annual Labor day block party down the street. 

He freaked out, called me all kinds of names for even mentioning it. Telling me I’m the neighborhood ***** and I just want to go talk to the men. Says “ you only want to go drink beer and chat with the men. We’ve lived here 20 years. Yeah I want some neighbor friends and he always does this. Out of 11 years of the street BBQ’s we’ve gone to three. He doesn’t like me talking to anyone.

After he called me a *****, and a few other names, I said please explain how and what I’ve done to be a *****; he says “well you were no virgin when I met you”. (I was 19). 
The words kept coming. I didn’t fight /yell back. I think he was trying to start a fight on purpose. AND I believe he had plans to go somewhere while I was gone. A comment he made “so you came home early to go visit your buddies down the street?”. I never said when I would be home. I was gone for 5 days. So then I got to thinking, he had plans while I was gone, and I ruined them by coming home. That’s why he’s been so mean. He was starting a fight on purpose so he could take off.

Sure enough I see him getting ready to go somewhere.
I have a company car that he likes to use, free gas for him. Knowing he would want to take my car, I put the keys in my pocket – (I’m not allowed to touch, open or go near his truck- yes he’s strange). So when he takes my car I don’t have transportation. With keys in my pocket , he’s looking for the keys, throwing things around, dumped my purse out on the floor looking for the keys. Rushing up to me like he’s going to hurt me. Eventually he shoved me and said “give me the “F***ing keys b!tch or I kill you. 
I was shaken up. I backed from him, and threw the keys at him and said “this is the last time you use my car”. He said “I’ll do what I want when I want, who do you think you are” and acted like he was going to hit me- raising his fist at me. 
He left. I was shaken up. 

My older son came over to go to the block party. I went with him for a while. Had a nice visit with neighbors for about an hour. Came home and there was my husband. He waited for my older son to leave. 
He again rushed at me like he was going to hit me, with his hand fisted. Intimidating me. He came up to my face and said “I could kill you b!tch”. Wh*re, …you couldn’t resist could you”. My younger sons 16 year old girlfriend had come overand heard what he said to me and told my son. 

Husband left a second time 
While he was gone, I grabbed whatever clothes I had in the dryer, a work outfit and toothbrush etc packed it in a a suite case, dug out my credit card which only has about 200 bucks on it, and found my spare key which I keep hidden. I hid the key and C.Card in a baggie in the ivy in my front yard. 
He returned home an hour later with a 12 pack of beer , 
My son wanted me to leave. I told him “don’t let him know you’re talking to me because he says I turn my kids against him.” So he stayed near. When I was alone in my room – (bags packed) trying to figure out where to go at 9 o’clock at night. My husband came in the room – beer in hand. He said “you’re not going to sleep tonight b!tch, I’m keeping you up all night”. My son came in and told his dad “Dad– leave her alone, just walk away”. Husband says, “ this is an adult discussion, you’re just a kid – you don’t understand yet, but you will”. As he’s leaving the room, he says to me “he can’t be here all the time b!tch”. 
My son snuck my suite case in the trunk of my car, came in my room when my husband wasn’t around and said “just go mom”. I told him I’m afraid to go, I don’t know where to go.
All in all, I had nowhere to go. I was afraid, if I left, I could never come back. And I know that he would have ruined all of my things. 
The next couple of nights, he kicked me out of our bed room. Locked me out, blocked the door with furniture, watching t.v. eating junk food and leaving a mess on my side of the bed. One night he blaired music really loud till 2:00 am. . Yesterday morning I was getting ready to shower before work, he said “this is my shower, my room – get the “f” out. I said – sorry dude I pay half the rent and ALL of the utilities – the water the runs the shower. So – no. I shut door on him. 

Things are calm again. He needs me to make appointments for him and make his lunch, I told him – you treat me like crap, I do nothing for you. You want something from me, then apologize and clean up this room you left a pig pen. 
Sure enough that night, he cleaned up the bed room and told me “you can sleep here if you want”. I said sure thanks. Laid down and shut the light off on him. He never did apologize. He never does. He still believes “I started it” because I asked if we could go the annual picnic down the street.
I really wish I could just leave. It’s so hard to do with a small income – no savings and an adult kid with mental disabilities that relies on me. 3 adult kids are still relying on me and not living on their own yet.

I’m readytogo……. 
mentally....


----------



## Starstarfish

I'm so sorry about this situation. 

But, if he does indeed hit you, and severely hurts you, or kills you, then - you certainly won't be able to help your children then. Are there periods of time you leave your husband alone with your disabled son? If he's openly making threats, what if he injured him?

If you continue to stay when he treats you like this, you are telling him, and worse, your children that this behavior is alright. Should they learn it's alright to stay in a violent relationship? Him apologizing doesn't begin to address the problem here, neither does cleaning - is that really what this is about? How does one say "sorry for threatening to kill you?"

If you are serious about leaving, you need to start looking into services in your area that could help. It will be difficult, and yes, you'll risk having your objects ruined or thrown out. But, you need to decide if that's worth finding out how serious your husband is. As he sounds seriously unhinged.


----------



## Readytogo

Starstarfish said:


> I'm so sorry about this situation.
> 
> But, if he does indeed hit you, and severely hurts you, or kills you, then - you certainly won't be able to help your children then. Are there periods of time you leave your husband alone with your disabled son? If he's openly making threats, what if he injured him?
> 
> *My son is 22 now. He has fought with him and 911 was called. He hasn't hit me since my kids were little. But he did shove me to get the keys from me. *
> 
> If you continue to stay when he treats you like this, you are telling him, and worse, your children that this behavior is alright. Should they learn it's alright to stay in a violent relationship? Him apologizing doesn't begin to address the problem here, neither does cleaning - is that really what this is about? How does one say "sorry for threatening to kill you?"
> 
> *My point exactly. I'm angry and have taken steps toward leaving. It just isnt happening quick enough, finances and finding a safe place for all of us are an issue I'm trying to figure out*.
> 
> If you are serious about leaving, you need to start looking into services in your area that could help. It will be difficult, and yes, you'll risk having your objects ruined or thrown out. But, you need to decide if that's worth finding out how serious your husband is. As he sounds seriously unhinged.


I agree, I've been under his control for years, and have seen two different counelors/ two times now. I'm starting up councelor again next week, and see a legal advisor next week.

I also tried to reach out to my father who lives the closest to me, asking him if I could stay with him until I get on my feet. But I've learned he's more of a mess than I am. I think he may be doing illegal drugs. He may lose his house. I reached out to him for help on Monday - but after I saw him I realized that he may be in worse shape then me. He's got a drug addict staying in his home and he's not working. AND he's an alcoholic - so I can't bring my sons around that. Im suspicous that he may be doing drugs with her...I'm just overwhelmed with where to go and how to undo a 25 year marriage. I have family in another state that want to help- and have room for me and my kids. But then I would have to quit my job here. And lose benefits for the kids. AND there's no guarantee my kids would go with me out of state. They live out in the country where there arent large job opportunities there. You either work for walmart or own your own business out there.


----------



## Readytogo

Third visit to councelor this week. I'm feeling a little more hopeful. She provided housing application and did tell me I may qualify for assistance based on my sons needs etc. 
It is scary to me and have had some anxiety creep up - wake in the middle of the night with a feeling in my stomach or nervousness. And can't go back to sleep. But I'm working through it. I am going through paperwork and home and copying important papers etc. Making plans. But getting nervous and fearful of my decisions.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Hang in there, Readytogo, I *KNOW* you can make it.

Lots of people here are pulling for you to get some peace of mind in a new environment. We will be here to CELEBRATE with you when you get there. Just know that dozens of strangers are hoping and praying for you to find a safe new home.


----------



## our vision shattered

please leave asap, their is shelters & programs for you, get out while you can please!!!!!


----------



## *LittleDeer*

Can you contact some shelters? They may be able to help you get housing that you can afford.

You and your children deserve better.  

Can you start applying for similar jobs out of state where your family live?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Readytogo

*LittleDeer* said:


> Can you contact some shelters? They may be able to help you get housing that you can afford.
> 
> You and your children deserve better.
> 
> Can you start applying for similar jobs out of state where your family live?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The application for housing I have is through a shelter. The questionaire seems to sound that way- it references "shelter" quite often. I got really nervous and reality kicked in.

I work for a large corporation that has a large main office in another state about 4 hours from family. It's cheaper out there too. I have to find out if it's possible for me to transfer out there. 

Regardless where I go, I want my kids with me. I cant guarantee they would move to another state with me. I would feel like I've abadoned them.


----------



## Readytogo

our vision shattered said:


> please leave asap, their is shelters & programs for you, get out while you can please!!!!!



I will go through with this. Thank you for your message. It helps when I feel like I have no one to talk to. 

Just takes time. 

A year ago I was only thinking about the possibility. Today I'm online talking about it and going to counceling once a week.
Pulling my important papers together, going through things.
The program I'm going through will also help me file for D.


----------



## Readytogo

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Hang in there, Readytogo, I *KNOW* you can make it.
> 
> Lots of people here are pulling for you to get some peace of mind in a new environment. We will be here to CELEBRATE with you when you get there. Just know that dozens of strangers are hoping and praying for you to find a safe new home.



thank you for your support! it does help.


----------



## WalkingInLight

Yep - it seems like only a matter of time that I'll read in the newspapers about him killing you if you decide to stay.

As a former emotionaly abusive man - let me tell you right now that he's wrong - not you. If I hadn't gotten help for my anger issues, no telling where it could have ended - and I was not as bad as your husband.

Sounds to me like he's an alchoholic who's cheating on you.


----------



## Readytogo

WalkingInLight said:


> Yep - it seems like only a matter of time that I'll read in the newspapers about him killing you if you decide to stay.
> 
> As a former emotionaly abusive man - let me tell you right now that he's wrong - not you. If I hadn't gotten help for my anger issues, no telling where it could have ended - and I was not as bad as your husband.
> 
> Sounds to me like he's an alchoholic who's cheating on you.


I promise I'm leaving. it's not a matter of if I should. I'ts just how. And getting through the process.
He's not an alcoholic, rarely drinks - doesnt take much beer to get him drunk. *But has a pot addiction instead*. When he can't get his pot, he drinks. Or does it to intensify his anger.

He's cheated twice that I know of over the 25yrs, I think when I came home laborday weekend, he was mad that I came home "early" that weekend and ruined his plans. That's why he was angry at me. (I think). I've read alot about controlling people - he knows how hurt I get when he calls me names, but I really think I ruined his weekend plans.

I've confronted him on leaving in the middle of the night on his nights off. Not sure where he goes (He works a night shift and sleeps during the day). Goes somewhere when we are asleep. 

He's off for 6 weeks and - again he said he had to go pick up his paycheck last night but couldnt leave until 12:30....not sure when he came home. He was asleep on the couch when I got up at 6:00. But at this point - I dont want to accuse him - just want to spend my energy on me and getting a plan together. when I accuse him, he hides it better. He recently found a recorder I had been putting in his car. He knows I was watching him - so he'll hide things better. 

So - what made you decide to get help? would you mind sharing your story?


----------



## Readytogo

WalkingInLight said:


> Yep - it seems like only a matter of time that I'll read in the newspapers about him killing you if you decide to stay.


On another note, I believe him. Years ago, when he accused me of messing around he said that he would hide my body in the desert where no one would find me. Said it twice - and last year- I lost about 20 pounds (stomach problems) - accused me of having a boyfriend again etc...said I'm trying to look good for someone else...."remember what I said, if you ever humiliate me, I'll do what I said, do you remember?".

I've been scared. That's why I wanted to wait till the kids were older, I dont want to have contact with him once I do leave. 

With all of these threats, I do know that he tries to keep me off of his tail. It's the mirror effect. He accuses me, but in reality he was the one with a girlfriend/ up to no good.


----------



## WalkingInLight

Readytogo said:


> I promise I'm leaving. it's not a matter of if I should. I'ts just how. And getting through the process...
> 
> So - what made you decide to get help? would you mind sharing your story?


Glad you are getting out - I hope you get the help you both need.

My story was on here well over a year ago now, although under a different name. It won't be at all helpful to you or your situation - nor would what I share be something that could help your husband see the error of his ways.

Be safe.


----------



## muchoconfuso

Thank you for your story, ReadytoGo. 

I have a similar situation to yours and you are helping me gain clarity on whether or not I should leave. I know in my mind that I should, but my heart still wants to stay. My husband has some medical issues, and I really want to give him a chance to work them out before giving up completely. However, he continues to mistreat me, and I'm beginning to think it's just not worth it. 

I hope you are doing well. Thank you again for sharing your story. I needed to see this.


----------



## TBT

Readytogo,what a sorry excuse for a husband he is and I'm going to be worried about you until I read you've escaped his madhouse and are somewhere safe.I wish you could document his death threats.I would say try carrying a small VAR around with you,but God knows what he would do if he caught you.What I'm feeling right now inside for you is how I felt for my own mother when she would go through similar things with my father when I was a young boy.Such a terrible feeling.Please stay safe...I'm praying for you.


----------



## Readytogo

TBT said:


> Readytogo,what a sorry excuse for a husband he is and I'm going to be worried about you until I read you've escaped his madhouse and are somewhere safe.I wish you could document his death threats.I would say try carrying a small VAR around with you,but God knows what he would do if he caught you.What I'm feeling right now inside for you is how I felt for my own mother when she would go through similar things with my father when I was a young boy.Such a terrible feeling.Please stay safe...I'm praying for you.


Thank you. I needed to read your note this morning. Had a rough day yesterday. He did find my VAR last month already. I have no idea where it is. Luckily it was empty. My mind is made up. I stopped evidence gathering. I'm just disgusted and need to go at this point.


----------



## Readytogo

muchoconfuso said:


> Thank you for your story, ReadytoGo.
> 
> I have a similar situation to yours and you are helping me gain clarity on whether or not I should leave. I know in my mind that I should, but my heart still wants to stay. My husband has some medical issues, and I really want to give him a chance to work them out before giving up completely. However, he continues to mistreat me, and I'm beginning to think it's just not worth it.
> 
> I hope you are doing well. Thank you again for sharing your story. I needed to see this.


If you have any doubts of your relationship and his mistreatment - my eye opener was when I read the book "Why Does He DO That? Inside the minds of angry controlling men." By Lundy Bancroft.

I found it at the library - I snuck in inside of another book jacket and have re-checked it out again this week.

I dont wonder what he will do next, I can almost predict it. And when I do get confused about his behavior, I go back to this book. I'm learning and you can too. Take care of you - and listen to you instincts.


----------



## TBT

Readytogo,how goes life on the stormfront? Are you still moving forward with your plans to leave? How about your inquiry regarding job transfer?


----------



## Readytogo

TBT said:


> Readytogo,how goes life on the stormfront? Are you still moving forward with your plans to leave? How about your inquiry regarding job transfer?



I'm doing okay. No crazy behavior this week  He's actually helping out around the house more while he's off for 6 weeks.

I'm still planning on leaving. There's no changing my mind.

My therapist gave me an application for low income housing. i'm turning it in on Tuesday. I want to see what's in the state I'm in before deciding on out of state. I'll know more in the coming week. I dont know the process, but apparently she thinks I would qualify for housing. There's a 3 year waiting list, but they have some available for people in my situation. 

thanks for checking.


----------



## Am_I_Crazy

This is a horrible situation. It makes me want to go and delete my own thread about my problems, just because it seems to irrelevant compared to your own and threats of violence.

I can't offer any advice really. Apart from that I think you really need to get out of that house!

I just wanted to chime in, and hope that these few words give you a little extra feeling of support.

x


----------



## Readytogo

had a harder night last night. Just full of emotions. My sleep hasn't been very good. I wake up about 3-5 times at night the last few nights. My body aches when I'm asleep. I toss and turn in pain. I dont know if I'm coming down with something or this is the way I'm reacting to my stress.
I avoided my cousin who was in town today. She contacted me on facebook to meet at a resteraunt with some of her friends for lunch. I made up an excuse. I just dont have the energy to explain myself today. Or hear from my husband telling me I cant go or have him start a fight. I dont feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. I'm feeling overwhelmed with emotions.
Maybe I'm feeling like this becuase he's been off of work and home every day and I feel like I've always got my guard up.
I just have no energy.


----------



## Readytogo

Am_I_Crazy said:


> This is a horrible situation. It makes me want to go and delete my own thread about my problems, just because it seems to irrelevant compared to your own and threats of violence.
> 
> I can't offer any advice really. Apart from that I think you really need to get out of that house!
> 
> I just wanted to chime in, and hope that these few words give you a little extra feeling of support.
> 
> x


everyone deserves to have their stories heard and needs advice here. It's helped me open up. And it will do you some good too.

and thank you! I needed to hear that today. Trying to pull myself out of a terible mood. I'm going to go put my iPod on and go take a walk, get some sunshine. Eat something healthy and try to get some energy going. Then start my chores for the day.


----------



## bribrius

holy crap.
sounds like the two of you basically hate eachother.


----------



## Readytogo

bribrius said:


> holy crap.
> sounds like the two of you basically hate eachother.


I've lost all respect for him. I grew up. I know that love shouldnt hurt.


----------



## Readytogo

bribrius said:


> holy crap.
> sounds like the two of you basically hate eachother.


AND...If he loves me, it's not been a healthy love that's for sure.
It feels like ownership instead.


----------



## bribrius

Readytogo said:


> I've lost all respect for him. I grew up. I know that love shouldnt hurt.


i dunno about the love shoulnt hurt thing, but your situation is very different from what i know.
i actually fought with my wife when we were younger even worse than that though. Hell i told her i was going to plant her in the ground more than once and she came after me with a knife once. i thought she was going to kill me at one point. we were like cats and dogs. Lost track of how many times the cops were called on us. One time we were arguing in the car, stopped right in the middle of the road and held up traffic and we were standing there going back and forth. I lost track of how many of her cell phones i smashed. Drove one of the cars right off the road and down a embankment just so she couldnt get it. She would really screw with me too. She drove our house into foreclosure once, didnt even tell me she was so spiteful. I had to bail that out and it wasn't cheap. Ran up my credit cards before. Her biggest thing though was she would trash talk me constantly when i wasnt around. And lie to me constantly. She hit me on more than one occasion. would have temper tantrums and she would throw things, which of course i tried to duck. Course i kind of deserved it. LOL. But we grew up, and realized we loved eachother. And called a truce. We just eventually, grew up and realize neither one of us was going to win. There wasn't a winner. It was like the war of the roses movie for us. Just insane. i lived in paranoia of what she would pull next. LOL. She would like purposely do **** trying to drive me off the deep end. But i was no angel either that is for sure. :rofl: I would keep her up all night, many nights. i would purposely be loud. Both of us had serious lack of sleep from fighting.
Your situation, i dunno. i just dont know. Thing is we always had this devoted love even despite what we did. Anyone else we stood up for eachother, were there for eachother. it was weird. And over time we grew up. You, i dunno.
And after twenty five years. something sure aint right in your case. Looks more like hate to me.
Like reading through what you typed, it didnt shock me at all. we were actually worse than that by a long shot. Except my wife was probably a tad more violent and deceptive than you. And i never hit my wife in anger, but BOY DID I WANT TO AT TIMES. LOL. Though you do appear to be pretty good with the deception. i think my wife actually has you beat by a long shot.
But the time length, i find troublesome. you all should have grown out of that by now, and it appears you really do hate eachother.
:scratchhead:


----------



## bribrius

Readytogo said:


> I’m tired. (25 years of this sh*t) The latest occurrence really makes me want to act fast and move quicker than I can make appointments and see counselors. Last week I took a few days off to help my step mom with her surgery recovery. – Husband was NOT happy that I was leaving. But you left anyway right and he didnt stop you?
> 
> – I’ve learned that he’s a controlling abuser Really? By what definition?and am trying to work out where to go and how. However, I told him “deal with it, my mom needs me more than you”. sounds like you have some control here, you just told him to "deal with it". I stayed up at my moms for about 4 nights, 5 days. I came home Saturday – day. I was tired from helping her out for 5 days. I drove 2 hours to get home. Came home and made a good dinner, cleaned up and went to bed exhausted. Dinner for him too? why?I think he was upset that there was no sex. (If I go away, he expects sex the night I return, or he thinks I’ve been with someone else).so you are still having sex with him, and deciding not to if you dont want to have sex like in this case.
> Sunday; I wake him around noon – (his night off) and ask if he wants to go to the annual Labor day block party down the street. why did you want him to go with you to a block party?
> 
> He freaked out, called me all kinds of names for even mentioning it. i think something happened in between here im missing.Telling me I’m the neighborhood ***** and I just want to go talk to the men. Says “ you only want to go drink beer and chat with the men. We’ve lived here 20 years. Yeah I want some neighbor friends and he always does this. Out of 11 years of the street BBQ’s we’ve gone to three. He doesn’t like me talking to anyone.
> 
> After he called me a *****, and a few other names, I said please explain how and what I’ve done to be a *****; he says “well you were no virgin when I met you”. (I was 19). so you are still questioning him, sounds like you have some power here.
> The words kept coming. I didn’t fight /yell back. I think he was trying to start a fight on purpose. so many times you do yell back im guessing. AND I believe he had plans to go somewhere while I was gone. A comment he made “so you came home early to go visit your buddies down the street?”. I never said when I would be home. you left your husband for days and never told him when you would be home? I was gone for 5 days. So then I got to thinking, he had plans while I was gone, and I ruined them by coming home. That’s why he’s been so mean. He was starting a fight on purpose so he could take off.Maybe he is cheating on you. sounds suspicious to me.
> 
> Sure enough I see him getting ready to go somewhere.
> I have a company car that he likes to use, free gas for him. Knowing he would want to take my car, I put the keys in my pocket – (I’m not allowed to touch, open or go near his truck- yes he’s strange). So when he takes my car I don’t have transportation. With keys in my pocket , he’s looking for the keys, throwing things around, dumped my purse out on the floor looking for the keys. Rushing up to me like he’s going to hurt me. Eventually he shoved me and said “give me the “F***ing keys b!tch or I kill you. you actually pulled the power in taking those keys, and he didnt like it.
> I was shaken up. I backed from him, and threw the keys at him and said “this is the last time you use my car”. you gave the keys, but notice you also set criteria. you said it is the last time he uses it. you held some control here, for appearance purposes. He said “I’ll do what I want when I want, who do you think you are” and acted like he was going to hit me- raising his fist at me. Again, he didnt like you taking control. he reacts physically. threatening. he doesnt seem to know any better apparently.
> He left. I was shaken up.
> 
> My older son came over to go to the block party. I went with him for a while. Had a nice visit with neighbors for about an hour. Came home and there was my husband. He waited for my older son to leave.
> He again rushed at me like he was going to hit me, with his hand fisted. Intimidating me. He came up to my face and said “I could kill you b!tch”. Wh*re, …you couldn’t resist could you”. My younger sons 16 year old girlfriend had come overand heard what he said to me and told my son. Okay, so while you are at this block party having a nice visit your husband must be wound up to know end. so he is freaking out while you are visiting. i missed something here. he seems more disturbed than you at this moment. And where did he go so short a time?
> 
> Husband left a second time
> While he was gone, I grabbed whatever clothes I had in the dryer, a work outfit and toothbrush etc packed it in a a suite case, dug out my credit card which only has about 200 bucks on it, and found my spare key which I keep hidden. I hid the key and C.Card in a baggie in the ivy in my front yard. smart of you . very devious. you are a planner.
> He returned home an hour later with a 12 pack of beer ,
> My son wanted me to leave. I told him “don’t let him know you’re talking to me because he says I turn my kids against him.” do you turn the kids against him?So he stayed near. When I was alone in my room – (bags packed) trying to figure out where to go at 9 o’clock at night. My husband came in the room – beer in hand. He said “you’re not going to sleep tonight b!tch, I’m keeping you up all night”. My son came in and told his dad “Dad– leave her alone, just walk away”. Husband says, “ this is an adult discussion, you’re just a kid – you don’t understand yet, but you will”. As he’s leaving the room, he says to me “he can’t be here all the time b!tch”. okay, so he is avoiding fighting in front of the children? Do you tend to drag the children into your fights and try to get them to be on your side?
> My son snuck my suite case in the trunk of my car, came in my room when my husband wasn’t around and said “just go mom”. I told him I’m afraid to go, I don’t know where to go.
> All in all, I had nowhere to go. I was afraid, if I left, I could never come back. And I know that he would have ruined all of my things. why? you just left for five days, without even telling him when you would be back? why is this a issue now?
> The next couple of nights, he kicked me out of our bed room. Locked me out, blocked the door with furniture, watching t.v. eating junk food and leaving a mess on my side of the bed. why would he have to kick you out of the bedroom? Do you still want to sleep in the same bed with the guy and have sex with him or something? you are saying you are abused here, but yet you want to sleep in the same bedroom as him?One night he blaired music really loud till 2:00 am. . Yesterday morning I was getting ready to shower before work, he said “this is my shower, my room – get the “f” out. I said – sorry dude I pay half the rent and ALL of the utilities – the water the runs the shower. So – no. I shut door on him. equal exchange of attempted power. you just won that. you just told him off. You pulled the trump card and he didnt do a thing.
> 
> Things are calm again. He needs me to make appointments for him and make his lunch, I told him – you treat me like crap, I do nothing for you. you are still making appointments and his lunch? huh? well, you are still having sex with him too so okay, i guess. You want something from me, then apologize and clean up this room you left a pig pen. you demand it.
> Sure enough that night, he cleaned up the bed room and told me “you can sleep here if you want”. he does it. you pulled control here again.I said sure thanks. Laid down and shut the light off on him. you laid down and shut the light off on him? was he doing something? He never did apologize. He never does. He still believes “I started it” because I asked if we could go the annual picnic down the street.naaa. there is more going on here than that.
> I really wish I could just leave. It’s so hard to do with a small income – no savings and an adult kid with mental disabilities that relies on me. 3 adult kids are still relying on me and not living on their own yet.why do you have three adult kids living with you?
> 
> I’m readytogo…….
> mentally....


if it is that much a issue, you could have had him removed by the police a long time ago i imagine. Pulled some kind of restraining order. There is something here im missing.:scratchhead:


----------



## MrsOldNews

OMG Bribrius I think you should stay off this thread. WTF is wrong with you?


----------



## bribrius

MrsOldNews said:


> OMG Bribrius I think you should stay off this thread. WTF is wrong with you?


Probably should. Because i look for logic in everything and see things in black and white and kind of right to the point. trying to understand what the deal is here. Her hubby has problems, to put it mildly. But there is a relationship dynamic going here that im not quite grasping.
After my war of the roses episodes with my wife it is pretty hard to pull one over on me i catch things i seen just about all of it. Could be me, i may have missed something which is why i said i must be missing something. :scratchhead:


----------



## Readytogo

bribrius said:


> Probably should. Because i look for logic in everything and see things in black and white and kind of right to the point. trying to understand what the deal is here. Her hubby has problems, to put it mildly. But there is a relationship dynamic going here that im not quite grasping.
> After my war of the roses episodes with my wife it is pretty hard to pull one over on me i catch things i seen just about all of it. Could be me, i may have missed something which is why i said i must be missing something. :scratchhead:


Did I hit a nerve Bribrius?
I started to write a long response then decided not to give you that.
What's_ missing _here is 25 years of fear you know NOTHING about. 25 years of being manipulated and controlled and YES I'm speaking out NOW. I want my life back. Reading and going to counceling will help me get through this.
I'm trying to get some ground back and _power_. Even if it's little things like telling him "NO". It's a big step for me. 

What I do deserve are people who have been in my situation to reach out and talk with here. I'm tired of feeling alone and isolated and this is my way to talk here.
I didnt SNEAK off for 5 days. He knew I would be going up there. _ It's when I returned that was the problem_. He didnt expect me home early. If you dont get it, that's your problem. - this is just one event of many that have gone on for long enough. I have no purpose in "pulling one over on you". It's not about YOU.


----------



## Readytogo

bribrius said:


> i dunno about the love shoulnt hurt thing, but your situation is very different from what i know.
> i actually fought with my wife when we were younger even worse than that though. Hell i told her i was going to plant her in the ground more than once and she came after me with a knife once. i thought she was going to kill me at one point. we were like cats and dogs. Lost track of how many times the cops were called on us. One time we were arguing in the car, stopped right in the middle of the road and held up traffic and we were standing there going back and forth. I lost track of how many of her cell phones i smashed. Drove one of the cars right off the road and down a embankment just so she couldnt get it. She would really screw with me too. She drove our house into foreclosure once, didnt even tell me she was so spiteful. I had to bail that out and it wasn't cheap. Ran up my credit cards before. Her biggest thing though was she would trash talk me constantly when i wasnt around. And lie to me constantly. She hit me on more than one occasion. would have temper tantrums and she would throw things, which of course i tried to duck. Course i kind of deserved it. LOL. But we grew up, and realized we loved eachother. And called a truce. We just eventually, grew up and realize neither one of us was going to win. There wasn't a winner. It was like the war of the roses movie for us. Just insane. i lived in paranoia of what she would pull next. LOL. She would like purposely do **** trying to drive me off the deep end. But i was no angel either that is for sure. :rofl: I would keep her up all night, many nights. i would purposely be loud. Both of us had serious lack of sleep from fighting.
> Your situation, i dunno. i just dont know. Thing is we always had this devoted love even despite what we did. Anyone else we stood up for eachother, were there for eachother. it was weird. And over time we grew up. You, i dunno.
> And after twenty five years. something sure aint right in your case. Looks more like hate to me.
> Like reading through what you typed, it didnt shock me at all. we were actually worse than that by a long shot. Except my wife was probably a tad more violent and deceptive than you. And i never hit my wife in anger, but BOY DID I WANT TO AT TIMES. LOL. Though you do appear to be pretty good with the deception. i think my wife actually has you beat by a long shot.
> But the time length, i find troublesome. you all should have grown out of that by now, and it appears you really do hate eachother.
> :scratchhead:


----------



## Readytogo

Sounds like you two had a lot of physical abuse and problems. I'm glad you worked things out. I've stayed and tried to work it out. And as you would see me as "Devious" I'm seeing it as finally "protection" myself. He's cheated on me before and while he was cheating was accusing me of it and abusing me to keep me off his tracks. 
AND NO LOVE SHOULD NOT HURT. EVER.


----------



## bribrius

Readytogo said:


> Did I hit a nerve Bribrius?
> I started to write a long response then decided not to give you that.
> What's_ missing _here is 25 years of fear you know NOTHING about. 25 years of being manipulated and controlled and YES I'm speaking out NOW. I want my life back. Reading and going to counceling will help me get through this.
> I'm trying to get some ground back and _power_. Even if it's little things like telling him "NO". It's a big step for me.
> 
> What I do deserve are people who have been in my situation to reach out and talk with here. I'm tired of feeling alone and isolated and this is my way to talk here.
> I didnt SNEAK off for 5 days. He knew I would be going up there. _ It's when I returned that was the problem_. He didnt expect me home early. If you dont get it, that's your problem. - this is just one event of many that have gone on for long enough. I have no purpose in "pulling one over on you". It's not about YOU.


no. i dont have any idea of the last twenty five years of your life. Relationship dynamics do fascinate me.I have figured out one thing. If you treat your spouse like **** they will treat you like **** back. It is a mirror image. Me personaly, i dont miss those days. At some point you want to enjoy your life and not live in constant paranoia. i think it is good you are addressing your relationship problems and finding solace and people so you dont feel alone.


----------



## bribrius

Readytogo said:


> Sounds like you two had a lot of physical abuse and problems. I'm glad you worked things out. I've stayed and tried to work it out. And as you would see me as "Devious" I'm seeing it as finally "protection" myself. He's cheated on me before and while he was cheating was accusing me of it and abusing me to keep me off his tracks.
> AND NO LOVE SHOULD NOT HURT. EVER.


we were a little beyond problems. we were at war. But we are both nuts so hey. :lol:
But when it is all said and done. i met my match and married her. She gave me a run for my money that was for sure. 
I think half the respect i gained for my wife is how she was able to run me through the ringer. She gave it right back to me in spades. On the homefront, lawyers. It was like a neverending battle. It was like the tail wagging the dog. :rofl:
Cost me twenty k in lawyers, a car, almost a house, numerous appearances for child custody, restraining order (actually on her), one arrest and bail out(me) to find out my wife wanted a hug, kiss, and more attention. We almost managed to span states with our little war as i had gone to nevada for a while and she was considering virginia. And we had a child between us that complicated everything. Finally called a truce. 
i wouldnt trade her for the world.
I think the biggest moment i remember is when she walked out of the court room from the restraining order. She walked right up and gave me a kiss and told me she loved me. She really didnt didnt give a rats ass about the restraining order. Right then i knew i just had to keep her. I met my match.


----------



## Readytogo

Update: I have another counceling appt. today.
I turned in my housing application last week. When I called to fax my financial and ID info- they told me to hold off, that they already filled the one spot they had open. He said I was next in line. 

I'm torn up and a nervous wreck. I dont know how long it takes to wait. I guess I'll ask that question today.

Last night my husband went to visit his brother. When he left I checked the history of the computer. I clicked on a yahoo mail item and it opened up to his email. WOW - just what I expected.
Alot of nude photos of different women. He had chat "offline" and two people left messages. One said "Lick it" and the other said "Psssttt". I was so upset and shaken that I wrote down as many names with their emails that sent the photos and the chat buddies he had. I dont know what I'll do with that info - but I guess it's just evidence...
This is why he acted funny when he got up the other morning and said "sneaking on the computer?" to me.
I said, why would I be sneaky on the computer? Is there something to hide? Our son had been up that morning and was on it. But it just shows me - he's at his old tricks.

I was affraid my son would see me on, so I got offline and left it logged on as he left it and closed out the window and removed my history....
I layed in bed for a long time - just couldnt sleep.
It's strange how I'm not all freaked out. I guess I've known all along and it just double confirms what I already knew and reconfirms why I have to keep moving forward. Just wishing I had a place to go NOW. 
I cringe when he touches me and he gets upset at me. this stuff is eating at me. 

I never felt so much discussed for someone - he doesnt even deserve to be called a husband. He never earned that title


----------



## CallaLily

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really don't know what to say other than try and hang in there until something else can be worked out.


----------



## xena74

Readytogo, 

Been following your story and just wondering how your doing? Keep your chin up, were all pulling for you to get through this and make it out safe and happy on the other side.


----------



## Readytogo

Last week after my counceling appt. I was so overwhelmed with where to go and how to do all of this. So out loud I said "God, Grandma, or whoever is listening to me right now,please help me make the right choices, please give me a sign, something". I'm struggling with what and how to do all of this. (This was last Tuesday).


Wednesday night I got up at 12:30 to take another melatonin & pain reliever from ear pain. Fell asleep. My phone rang at 1:00.
It was my dad. He said he thinks he broke his hip.

When I got there. He was a mess, right along with his house. He had been alienating himself from me for a couple of years with his alcoholism. He has a girlfriend my age living with him. She doesnt works, cook or clean. They fight pretty bad. He tells me he wants her gone all the time. It's apparent that she's using him. 911 is called there alot. I know my dads drinking is out of control. 

I couldnt get him in my car, so I ended up calling the paramedics. 

Well I did learn that she shoved him, and he fell back pretty hard and broke his femur. (large leg bone connected to your hip.) Snapped right in half.
So I'm trying to help him with disability this week and have put myself on hold. 
I'm also trying to talk him into filing eviction papers on her. But he doesnt want her harassing him while he's unable to walk and stand on his own. He's been out of work and may lose his house. He's thinking about letting it go into foreclosure. 


No more progress on me leaving. I've got other apartment applications but they dont allow pets and I have a dog I really love and would feel horrible if I abadoned him. 
Seems every decision I make I would abandon someone or something that I love. 

Maybe all of this is a sign that I need to be with my dad, but he drinks so much and I dont want my sons around him drinking. He gets mean. I feel like I'd be leaving one bad situation for another. But then again, I'd hate myself if I dont try to help my dad.
He's not eating. He's 6 feet tall and weighed 139 pounds. He used to be my hero as a little girl. And it's so painful to see him deteriorate so fast. He looks all skin a bones. He's also a type 2 diabetic.

things are getting way out of control and I feel everything is on my shoulders.


----------



## Readytogo

Update: My dad is still in the hospital. Best place for him.

The housing application "closed". I dont know what that means, other than somone got the apartment that the councelor told me was available. And now no more apps are being taken. I was told a few weeks back I "was next on the list". I'm not sure what happened.

My husband announced that he was taking off another 4 weeks of a layoff -so he's home all the time. 
I said must be nice since I have no money for the holidays for the kids. He replied, "I've worked 33 years and need a break, if you're so concerned about the holidays get a second job." He already had 6 weeks off!
I'm paying for 1/2 the rent, all of the utilities; trash, water, electric, gas, home phone, 4 cell phones, cable, internet, all medical copays and medicines for 5 of us, pet/vet expenses and ALL groceries!

I am overwhelmed, and I just dont want to be here anymore.


----------



## TBT

Rtg,just caught up on your thread and sorry to see you're still stuck trying to figure a way out.Sorry about your dad as well,but you just can't help someone who doesn't seem to care about themselves....alcohol and stage 2 diabetes just don't mix.Terrible that your H is so self-serving and that you have to carry the weight financially,especially since you're looking for an out.

If I were you I'd check back with the housing to make sure you're still first in line because as you said you already have your app submitted.I know where I come from that they don't do financials and ID info until the offer has been made and accepted.Hoping that it is also the case where you live.

I know it can feel hopeless in your situation,but keep your head up and don't lose sight of where you want to be.You've got to have faith there will come a day when you'll be happy and able to breathe easy again.That's what I'll be praying for you.Take care for now.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Why wait for the paperwork? So long as you're in a housing situation you'll never get priority. Learn how to live in your car. That tends to get more help more quickly. Put your dog in the shelter, you can visit it every day and then retrieve him/her when you get a place to live, or you can ask for a foster placement for it and be able to visit with dog. I worked at an animal shelter and we had this kind of arrangement with several people who had animals and lived in a car for a bit. They often came to get their pets for the night, and the police or owners would bring the animals back in the morning. It's real common.


----------



## Readytogo

TBT and Homemaker; update on the home hunt;
they told me not to bother sending my ID info on the application process. The case worker only works part time and the housing they did have filled up. And my application was tossed. When housing becomes available - I would have to fill out yet another application. and the guy hasnt called me back to tell me how often it opens. 
Councelor gave me a list of lower income appts - Its a big list. I'll have to sort through it all and get lucky. I think most of them are "section 8" which I dont have that - and there are some waiting periods as long as a couple years. 

Homemaker; I've got a couple of older kids that arent on their own yet - which will also need a place to stay. 
My dad came home from the hospital and hopefully wont be drinking. He also has alot of housing issues - so I think if I can talk to him in more detail about where he wants to go- him and I may be able to work things out.

My biggest concern about my dad is his drinking. He was abusive to my mother and step mom when he drinks. And I dont need to get out of one bad environment for another unstable situation. But it might be a temporary solution. And I would be more help to my dad.
Just trying to sort it all out and figure it out.

I had surgery yesterday and am off a couple of days - ick...am trying to find some quiet time for myself to think things through. Hard to do when husband is off work -


----------



## jaquen

I read the entire thread.

Readytogo, I am very concerned about you. While I commend you greatly for realizing that a change must come, I can't help but wonder if you're still normalizing your situation just enough to stay in that house.

But you are in a _dangerous _situation. Your husband could very well kill you. Many women thought they would stay around long enough to put the pieces in place to leave, and they were murdered before they ever got the chance to. All it takes is_ one_ bad night.

You need to leave, ASAP. You can't be concerned about how to take care of your grown children. You can't be concerned about what's going to happen to your dog. None of that will matter at all if this man puts you in a coffin. You'll be of no help to anyone then.

Move to your dads. For all the problems you describe, if he's not abusive toward you than it's a better situation. If that doesn't work, move into the cheapest motel possible. If there isn't one, go to your local women's shelter. If all else fails, sleep in your car.

You are playing Russian roulette every single day you decide to stay with this man. People like him often have far more anger, rage, and hatred inside of them than you even realize. One bad argument, one out of place word, one terrible day at work, and he could explode on you, and possibly even your children.

Run. Don't walk. Don't wait. Just run.


----------



## Memento

@Readytogo I have never been in your situation as a spouse, but reading your story, was like reading about my childhood, in many ways.
My dad was a compulsive cheater, wife beater and ignored his children. My mom never left him because she couldn't raise us just with her income. Unfortunately, the mental abuse we suffered can never be undone and it took me years to even accept that the person who should have loved us the most, loved himself far more.
If you love your children, don't tolerate this a minute longer.


----------



## Readytogo

Memento said:


> @Readytogo I have never been in your situation as a spouse, but reading your story, was like reading about my childhood, in many ways.
> My dad was a compulsive cheater, wife beater and ignored his children. My mom never left him because she couldn't raise us just with her income. Unfortunately, the mental abuse we suffered can never be undone and it took me years to even accept that the person who should have loved us the most, loved himself far more.
> If you love your children, don't tolerate this a minute longer.


you described my husband to a T. He can be kind to your face and say the right things to other people - and they will beleive him - but he's* NEVER *been there for the kids or me. And its all fake.
He puts himself first. I dont want my kids to see that anymore.
Even though they are older, I still want to show them a better life. And a better way. I promise - I will leave. I promise.


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> you described my husband to a T. He can be kind to your face and say the right things to other people - and they will beleive him - but he's* NEVER *been there for the kids or me. And its all fake.
> He puts himself first. I dont want my kids to see that anymore.
> Even though they are older, I still want to show them a better life. And a better way. I promise - I will leave. I promise.


Please, leave before its too late!!


----------



## jaquen

Readytogo said:


> you described my husband to a T. He can be kind to your face and say the right things to other people - and they will beleive him - but he's* NEVER *been there for the kids or me. And its all fake.
> He puts himself first. I dont want my kids to see that anymore.
> Even though they are older, I still want to show them a better life. And a better way. I promise - I will leave. I promise.



I really believe your situation might be beyond promises, and plans, to leave.

Today is Tuesday. You need to be making plans to be out of that house by Wednesday, Friday at the latest.

The way you describe your husband is seriously a nightmare to read, much less live.


----------



## Readytogo

jaquen said:


> I read the entire thread.
> 
> Readytogo, I am very concerned about you. While I commend you greatly for realizing that a change must come, I can't help but wonder if you're still normalizing your situation just enough to stay in that house.
> I do. You're right. Or things do calm for a bit and I start letting my guard down.
> 
> But you are in a _dangerous _situation. Your husband could very well kill you. Many women thought they would stay around long enough to put the pieces in place to leave, and they were murdered before they ever got the chance to. All it takes is_ one_ bad night.
> Sometimes I tell myself I'm being a drama queen. Until I see some of you respond, and think about some of the women I've seen on the news. That Peterson guy that was in the news for his missing younger wife and past drowned wife in the tub. My husband asked me what I thought about that. He does mind games on me like that. Makes comments about wives like that to mess with my mind.
> 
> You need to leave, ASAP. You can't be concerned about how to take care of your grown children. You can't be concerned about what's going to happen to your dog. None of that will matter at all if this man puts you in a coffin. You'll be of no help to anyone then. One of my grown children has schizophrenia. I can't abandon him. I am all he's got.
> 
> Move to your dads. For all the problems you describe, if he's not abusive toward you than it's a better situation. If that doesn't work, move into the cheapest motel possible. If there isn't one, go to your local women's shelter. If all else fails, sleep in your car.
> I'm trying to talk with my dad more. He's hard to talk to.
> He may be my option. And he's letting his house go into foreclosure. I just wish my husband would leave. If I get in a dangerous situation again with him, I have a number to call and they will tell me what shelter to go to. the number is hidden under my friends name on my cell phone. I've been procrastinating lately becuase I cant look up housing on our home computer - and he's been off of work for almost 10 weeks and constantly watching everything I do. So I try to keep things calm and quiet.
> 
> You are playing Russian roulette every single day you decide to stay with this man. People like him often have far more anger, rage, and hatred inside of them than you even realize. One bad argument, one out of place word, one terrible day at work, and he could explode on you, and possibly even your children.
> 
> Run. Don't walk. Don't wait. Just run.


I promise - I will leave. I really have to. I'm scared though. 
In between the bad days are normal okay days. Then, I imagine the day he'll see that I've gone. I imagine him coming to my work or my dads house and he'll hurt or kill me. I see his angry face in my mind. I see him grabbing my arms and telling me to get my "a$$ home". It's just VERY Fricken HARD. So I avoid that anxiety - the "what if" game I play in my head, is always the same. Maybe it would not happen. He tells me he's not like that anymore. But I then remember him stocking me before at work. (few years ago). He'll do it again. 
I want my son to be with me - (the one with mental illness) -but I know his father wont just let him live with me. He's already told me - he would want him with him. So when I leave. I still gotta see him - since we share concern for our son. I cant abondon my son. I just cant. I want to set up a place for him - and leave and have a place ready for my son(s).


----------



## Readytogo

^^ sorry all of my comments didnt text out properly in the above.^^ I'm at the library and time is almost out. No time to edit.


----------



## LiamN

Of course you are afraid, but it sound like you are with a dangerous man who may well be a narcissist as well. You need to create a plan for escape that includes a support network (people and places you can turn to). 
Your husband will play on your fears. You need to find the strength to overcome your fears - joy and true happiness lie on the other side!


----------



## Memento

For those who haven't gone through what Readytogo is going through, leaving is everything but a simple process. However, it is possible! 

I know of, at least, 2 cases of women who run away (yes, they run away, literally!) from their abuse husbands. These women thrived after leaving their low life scummy m*therf*ckers they were married to. On the other hand, the husbands just continued spiraling downwards.

Another interesting thing about these men, is that they never change and they usually assume their partners have the same faults as they have. For example, if the husband cheats, he often thinks and accuses the wife of doing the same, even if its apparent it is not the case.

Usually, the wives think that one day he might change. Unfortunately, I have yet to find such a man.


----------



## Starstarfish

I think you are selling yourself short - start calling free legal counsel, and get some advice - if your husband is abusive, I have a hard time believing that the court couldn't take some kind of step about your son and living with him. How can that be a healthy environment for someone with mental illness?

And you are afraid of him coming to your work or your dad's house - the first thing you do when you leave should be getting a restraining order, so if he does show up - he'll go to jail. 

Please, overcome your first and start making steps forward, we are all concerned about you, and don't want this to end badly.


----------



## Readytogo

Memento said:


> if the husband cheats, he often thinks and accuses the wife of doing the same, even if its apparent it is not the case.
> 
> Usually, the wives think that one day he might change. Unfortunately, I have yet to find such a man.


You're right. I've caught him alteast 2 times cheating. I learned from reading - that he was DOING what I was being accused of. I didnt understand that for many years. 
I also spent many many years (married 25 years) thinking that IF _I _CHANGE things will be better. If _I_ give him more attention. If _I_ keep the house cleaner... If I take on more of the bills. If I stop complaining and accept his night shift and dealing with all the responsibilties....


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> You're right. I've caught him alteast 2 times cheating. I learned from reading - that he was DOING what I was being accused of. I didnt understand that for many years.
> I also spent many many years (married 25 years) thinking that IF _I _CHANGE things will be better. If _I_ give him more attention. If _I_ keep the house cleaner... If I take on more of the bills. If I stop complaining and accept his night shift and dealing with all the responsibilties....


It's not you who needs to change, it is him! No matter how much you change and/or give, it will never be enough for him.
You already hit rock bottom, by staying with him, the only thing that can happen by leaving him, is to go up! It's not too late to be happy. Dont waste another minute of your life with a violent pr*ck.


----------



## Readytogo

Starstarfish said:


> I think you are selling yourself short - start calling free legal counsel, and get some advice - if your husband is abusive, I have a hard time believing that the court couldn't take some kind of step about your son and living with him. How can that be a healthy environment for someone with mental illness?
> 
> *The counceling center I went to said they would help me fill out the paperwork for the D. But I want to be out of the house first. And they didn't say too much about my son at that time. But they just provided me with the resources. I probably could get a lawyer and fight for my son. And ask his doctor for a letter of recommendation or something.*And you are afraid of him coming to your work or your dad's house - the first thing you do when you leave should be getting a restraining order, so if he does show up - he'll go to jail.
> 
> *^I think about that, and a councelor did suggest that. But mythought on that is - crazy people dont care about restraining orders. But that is something I will do.*
> Please, overcome your first and start making steps forward, we are all concerned about you, and don't want this to end badly.


 *I promise I will.*
*I started making copies of important papers. Hid my credit card. Have a spare car key hidden. When he goes back to work I'll have more time to make calls and look for housing. And also talk to my dad more. He's so hard to sit and talk with though. I've made some progress. Just sort of stopped when my husband decided to take off work. But every time there's another fight, I have that fleeing feeling. The other night he woke me up yelling at me that it's my fault our son is drinking becuase my parents are alcoholics. And that I've "F'd" up our son. Similar incident the night before Thanksgiving, woke me at 4 am yelling at me for my sons stupid actions. I grabbed my blanket and pillow and left the room. I locked myself in my other sons room. (he wasnt home). 

I can't wait to be rid of the stress and anxiety he throws at me.*


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> *I promise I will.*
> *I started making copies of important papers. Hid my credit card. Have a spare car key hidden. When he goes back to work I'll have more time to make calls and look for housing. And also talk to my dad more. He's so hard to sit and talk with though. I've made some progress. Just sort of stopped when my husband decided to take off work. But every time there's another fight, I have that fleeing feeling. The other night he woke me up yelling at me that it's my fault our son is drinking becuase my parents are alcoholics. And that I've "F'd" up our son. Similar incident the night before Thanksgiving, woke me at 4 am yelling at me for my sons stupid actions. I grabbed my blanket and pillow and left the room. I locked myself in my other sons room. (he wasnt home).
> 
> I can't wait to be rid of the stress and anxiety he throws at me.*


Lay low. Dont argue with him, don't talk back, don't do anything that would make him snap. Its not your fault he is the way he is, but you have to be smarter than him. He just wants an excuse to yell and/or hit you.
When you have everything ready, leave and dont look back.


----------



## Readytogo

Memento said:


> It's not you who needs to change, it is him! No matter how much you change and/or give, it will never be enough for him.
> You already hit rock bottom, by staying with him, the only thing that can happen by leaving him, is to go up! It's not too late to be happy. Dont waste another minute of your life with a violent pr*ck.



You're right. The couple of incidents I posted here were mild compared to some of the stuff I went through. I was young when I met him and inexperienced in life and relationships. Now I just tell him "I'm not a naive little 19 year old anymore, your mind games don't work on me anymore".


----------



## Memento

Memento said:


> Lay low. Dont argue with him, don't talk back, don't do anything that would make him snap. Its not your fault he is the way he is, but you have to be smarter than him. He just wants an excuse to yell and/or hit you.
> When you have everything ready, leave and dont look back.





Readytogo said:


> You're right. The couple of incidents I posted here were mild compared to some of the stuff I went through. I was young when I met him and inexperienced in life and relationships. Now I just tell him "I'm not a naive little 19 year old anymore, your mind games don't work on me anymore".


The women I know that were in the same situation that you are, married very young too.
Dont waste your life! You are still young. You dont want to look back in 30 years from now and think "what if I had left him?!"
You did your best. Its time for you to save yourself and your children.


----------



## jaquen

Memento said:


> You dont want to look back in 30 years from now and think "what if I had left him?!"


That's with the hope that he allows her to live for another 30 years.

I can not be reiterated enough that she is in a potentially deadly situation. While leaving isn't easy, by a long shot, and I know as my grandmother was married to an abusive, rapist, demon of a man, it is very disconcerting that Readytogo has been on this board since summer talking about leaving, gathering evidence, making promises of exit, and none of that has panned out.

It's not about us. She clearly can't make decisions because outside parties are rooting for her to do so. But it can't be overstated that people are very worried about you Ready, and are really, really hoping that one day we don't long into here and get a message from one of your loved ones that this man has hurt you badly, or worse.


----------



## Memento

jaquen said:


> That's with the hope that he allows her to live for another 30 years.
> 
> I can not be reiterated enough that she is in a potentially deadly situation. While leaving isn't easy, by a long shot, and I know as my grandmother was married to an abusive, rapist, demon of a man, it is very disconcerting that Readytogo has been on this board since summer talking about leaving, gathering evidence, making promises of exit, and none of that has panned out.
> 
> It's not about us. She clearly can't make decisions because outside parties are rooting for her to do so. But it can't be overstated that people are very worried about you Ready, and are really, really hoping that one day we don't long into here and get a message from one of your loved ones that this man has hurt you badly, or worse.


I agree with you. I am very worried. These situations never end well  
She has to go. 25 years of hell is more than enough. She cant save him, but she can save herself.


----------



## Readytogo

jaquen; I understand what you are saying - I'm sorry it's not happening fast enough in your view. I'm making progress. Some women plan for a year before they actually leave. Pulling money together etc..

Some women feel safer staying, rather than leaving until the kids are grown. (that was my plan) The exit is more dangerous than staying sometimes. 
A year ago - I was a mess. Didn't think it would be possible to leave. 
Today - I'm seeking counceling and working on a plan. Alteast I know now that he wont change. Atleast I've spent some time reading and learning more about an abuser to be smarter than him. 
In some cases-I think when women suddenly dart and dont have a plan, they end up disfigured or dead or missing. I dont want to be stupid either.

It will pan out.


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> jaquen; I understand what you are saying - I'm sorry it's not happening fast enough in your view. I'm making progress. Some women plan for a year before they actually leave. Pulling money together etc..
> 
> Some women feel safer staying, rather than leaving until the kids are grown. (that was my plan) The exit is more dangerous than staying sometimes.
> A year ago - I was a mess. Didn't think it would be possible to leave.
> Today - I'm seeking counceling and working on a plan. Alteast I know now that he wont change. Atleast I've spent some time reading and learning more about an abuser to be smarter than him.
> In some cases-I think when women suddenly dart and dont have a plan, they end up disfigured or dead or missing. I dont want to be stupid either.
> 
> It will pan out.


We are very concerned about you!
Have you went to Social Security? What is your plan?


----------



## Readytogo

Memento said:


> We are very concerned about you!
> Have you went to Social Security? What is your plan?


so far;
pulling copies of insurance, soc sec #'s & tax records - copies are stored at my work.
I have an extra car key and credit card hidden in the house if I have to leave quickly.
When he goes back to work, I'll be able to start looking again for housing that I can afford.

I work and have a seperate bank account from his. But I live check to check since I pay for most of everything at home. 

Both of my moms think I need to check into his accounts. They seem to think he might be hiding money since he has me pay for everything. He also collects things and knows about stocks etc. They seem to think he has hidden money. I told them I dont care and dont want to get caught checking on him. He's been on my work lap top the last couple of days. Check my work email. He seemed suspicous of me since I went into work for meetings all week. He text me three times - "what are you wearing" & "I see you" "what are u doing for lunch?". I get these messages whenever I leave for the office or do anything out of a routine.
I HAD a small stock option through work, that I was going to cash in when I left, but he found out about it. It was 900 dollars. The paperwork for it came in the mail so he asked me about it. I told him I wasnt hiding anything I just forgot to tell him about it.

I have a number in my cell phone saved under a friends name. I can call it to ask for a local shelter if things get heated.


What do you mean about going to social security? what can they do? I think when I leave I can change my social #. Is that what you mean?


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> so far;
> pulling copies of insurance, soc sec #'s & tax records - copies are stored at my work.
> I have an extra car key and credit card hidden in the house if I have to leave quickly.
> When he goes back to work, I'll be able to start looking again for housing that I can afford.
> 
> I work and have a seperate bank account from his. But I live check to check since I pay for most of everything at home.
> 
> Both of my moms think I need to check into his accounts. They seem to think he might be hiding money since he has me pay for everything. He also collects things and knows about stocks etc. They seem to think he has hidden money. I told them I dont care and dont want to get caught checking on him. He's been on my work lap top the last couple of days. Check my work email. He seemed suspicous of me since I went into work for meetings all week. He text me three times - "what are you wearing" & "I see you" "what are u doing for lunch?". I get these messages whenever I leave for the office or do anything out of a routine.
> I HAD a small stock option through work, that I was going to cash in when I left, but he found out about it. It was 900 dollars. The paperwork for it came in the mail so he asked me about it. I told him I wasnt hiding anything I just forgot to tell him about it.
> 
> I have a number in my cell phone saved under a friends name. I can call it to ask for a local shelter if things get heated.
> 
> 
> What do you mean about going to social security? what can they do? I think when I leave I can change my social #. Is that what you mean?


I meant social services. Can you see if you qualify for some time of support? I have no idea how they operate. But it doesn't hurt to try. 

Save all messages and threats he sends you. The more the merrier. You can use it as evidence in court if you ever decide to press charges against him and/or for divorce purposes. Record you fights as well, with your cellphone. 

Regarding his salary, he might be spending it with someone else. I think that is more plausible than him saving it. 

But the most important thing now, is never to confront him. Play nice and trusting. Gather everything that you can, in the mean time. Don't think with your heart. 

Be smart!! BE STRONG! If not for you, for your children so they don't become like him.


----------



## EleGirl

I assume that you live in California. There are things that you can do here.

About his finances. You do need to investigate. To start with just get the name of the institutions and account numbers. Where does he get the mail for all of his financial information? He is not home 24/7. You can atleast do some snooping and get basic information.

You are entitled to 50% of everything he has accumulated during yoru marriage. It's not 'his' it's community property.

Do the two of you own the home you are in? If so you are entitled to 50% of that.

Have you looked up and learned the divorce laws in your state? You really do need to know what they are and what your rights are.

If you file file divorce before the kids are full grown he will have to pay you child support. If his income is higher than yours he will have to pay you spousal support. Yours is a long term marriage. You are entitled to life-long alimony.

When he threated to kill you, you should have called 911 and had him arrested. That would have gotten him removed from the house and a restraining order to keep him away from you.

As long as you do not call the police to build a record that he is abusive, you cannot prove that he is abusive. 

You should have a VAR hidden in your house so that you get his threats and abuse recorded as evidence. You can put one in your car. See who he is calling and what he's talking about.

Teach your children to call 911 if he is abusing you. 

You have a lot more power in all of this than you seem to realize.


----------



## jessy81

u have got to leave .........i know , way easier said than done, but for your sake & ur kids' sake, u need to leave him & move on ..........for sure ur life will not end if you do ..........if anything, it'll begin .......u have a job, a salary, a car, a healthy body ...........use whatever resources you have before ur circumstances change.........god be with you dear..........this must be killing you inside everyday dear..........


----------



## Memento

EleGirl said:


> I assume that you live in California. There are things that you can do here.
> 
> About his finances. You do need to investigate. To start with just get the name of the institutions and account numbers. Where does he get the mail for all of his financial information? He is not home 24/7. You can atleast do some snooping and get basic information.
> 
> You are entitled to 50% of everything he has accumulated during yoru marriage. It's not 'his' it's community property.
> 
> Do the two of you own the home you are in? If so you are entitled to 50% of that.
> 
> Have you looked up and learned the divorce laws in your state? You really do need to know what they are and what your rights are.
> 
> If you file file divorce before the kids are full grown he will have to pay you child support. If his income is higher than yours he will have to pay you spousal support. Yours is a long term marriage. You are entitled to life-long alimony.
> 
> When he threated to kill you, you should have called 911 and had him arrested. That would have gotten him removed from the house and a restraining order to keep him away from you.
> 
> As long as you do not call the police to build a record that he is abusive, you cannot prove that he is abusive.
> 
> You should have a VAR hidden in your house so that you get his threats and abuse recorded as evidence. You can put one in your car. See who he is calling and what he's talking about.
> 
> Teach your children to call 911 if he is abusing you.
> 
> You have a lot more power in all of this than you seem to realize.



I agree 110%. But she also needs to gather evidence of the abuse she and her children's have been victims of. She needs to record the abuse, ie if he hit her, photographs the marks in her body, record his threats, save the threatening messages he sends her, talk to people who have witnessed his outbursts and are willing to testify, etc. She can use all this as leverage against him.

This is not about revenge, but justice. 25 years of abuse cannot be forgotten just like that.

In a normal circumstance, I would not advice using social services, but she is not in a normal situation. And I think this might be beneficial for her, for housing purposes, temporarily. 

I have to repeat this to Readytogo, because I think its a key point: DO NOT enter in a argument with him;
If he starts an argument, tell him "You know, hun, you are right" even if he is not; 
Do not bring attention to you;
Lay low and
When you have everything ready, GET OUT. Move to a motel, to your dads home, whatever... BUT, GET OUT!
Go to the police, show the sms you have and recording, tell them he has been abusive in the past and made life threats, and that you want a no contact and protection order against him. Make sure you are fully aware of what legal procedures you can start and anticipate EVERY MOVE!

PLEASE, BE SMART AND SAVE YOURSELF!! I think about you everyday. Everyone here, is rooting for you!


----------



## Readytogo

We don’t own our home. We rent. My kids are all over 18. I wanted to wait until they were older. I didn’t want to see him for shared custody. Plus he said if I ever tried to take the kids he would kill me. So I stayed. (I didn’t want to find out if he were telling the truth or not.)
I never called the police on his threats. But I do have a file of dates and notes of what he did and the threats of harm. Years ago I took photos of my badly bruised leg with a disposable camera- but never developed the film. I still have the camera somewhere. I can see if I can get the film developed - if its not too old. I have X-rays of my nose which I thought was broken at the time. But I told the hospital I ran into a door. (yeah I know pathetic.) 
I also had my step mom save some of his crazy text messages about a year ago and just this last week. I saved some of my ripped up clothes he destroyed a few years ago. 
But I'm thinking all of this is irrelevant if the kids are older. Why would I need proof of anything if I don’t have to fight for custody? He’s not wealthy that’s for sure.
My last counseling session was today. I used Social Services for the 12 counseling sessions. They've given me resources - for housing, legal advocate - to help fill out divorce papers when I'm ready. More group counseling facilities to continue with counseling, but all the meetings are held at night. Hard to get away. 
I think I'm mostly ready - all but the housing and funds. I told my mom I would be mailing her some boxes - old year books and photos that I don’t want to get ruined or lost. My grandmother’s old dishes etc...
I keep calm. I have not really fought back in quite some time now. I agree even if I don’t agree. And my son watches out for any physical attacks. He’s mainly intimidating me lately. 
The hardest part of all of this - is my kids. I wished they would of seen a stronger mother - fight for herself instead of let someone that I was suppose to love control me. I wish their dad and mom would of been good role models - and for that I’ll be forever so sorry.
I feel like a fake. I hoped I would be out of here before the holidays. I don’t feel like doing anything for the holidays – it’s all fake because I don’t want to share anything more with him.

sorry to ramble.


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> We don’t own our home. We rent. My kids are all over 18. I wanted to wait until they were older. I didn’t want to see him for shared custody. Plus he said if I ever tried to take the kids he would kill me. So I stayed. (I didn’t want to find out if he were telling the truth or not.)
> I never called the police on his threats. But I do have a file of dates and notes of what he did and the threats of harm. Years ago I took photos of my badly bruised leg with a disposable camera- but never developed the film. I still have the camera somewhere. I can see if I can get the film developed - if its not too old. I have X-rays of my nose which I thought was broken at the time. But I told the hospital I ran into a door. (yeah I know pathetic.)
> I also had my step mom save some of his crazy text messages about a year ago and just this last week. I saved some of my ripped up clothes he destroyed a few years ago.
> But I'm thinking all of this is irrelevant if the kids are older. Why would I need proof of anything if I don’t have to fight for custody? He’s not wealthy that’s for sure.
> My last counseling session was today. I used Social Services for the 12 counseling sessions. They've given me resources - for housing, legal advocate - to help fill out divorce papers when I'm ready. More group counseling facilities to continue with counseling, but all the meetings are held at night. Hard to get away.
> I think I'm mostly ready - all but the housing and funds. I told my mom I would be mailing her some boxes - old year books and photos that I don’t want to get ruined or lost. My grandmother’s old dishes etc...
> I keep calm. I have not really fought back in quite some time now. I agree even if I don’t agree. And my son watches out for any physical attacks. He’s mainly intimidating me lately.
> The hardest part of all of this - is my kids. I wished they would of seen a stronger mother - fight for herself instead of let someone that I was suppose to love control me. I wish their dad and mom would of been good role models - and for that I’ll be forever so sorry.
> I feel like a fake. I hoped I would be out of here before the holidays. I don’t feel like doing anything for the holidays – it’s all fake because I don’t want to share anything more with him.
> 
> sorry to ramble.



My parents sound very much like you and your husband. As a daughter of a dysfunctional couple, I grew to despise my father and hold my mother co responsible, for staying with him and allowing him to mentally torture us and physically abuse her. Every time I look back and remember how bad things were, I cant help but cry. I grew up angry, and the older I got the angrier and the more lost I felt.
I ended up making some bad decisions and dating a man that was a scoundrel, because I felt unloved, unwanted, incapable, weak and troubled. I thought I did not deserve better. I don't blame my father for my bad decisions, not at all. But I know if I had a peaceful home to go to, things would have been much different. I just thought everything would be fine the day I left. They weren't.
Fortunately, I learned my lesson and I know I don't need the validation of a men to feel fulfilled. I did found, eventually a great man, to whom I owe my happiness. 
You too deserve to be happy!
Stay strong and continue your journey to set yourself free from your abuser!


----------



## Readytogo

thanks everyone for listening. I've had a couple of bad days of depression - but I'm feeling better and will keep moving forward.
anyways;
I got a strange text message FOR MY HUSBAND - ON MY CELL PHONE: 
(He doesnt allow me to have my own fb account. So I talked him into allowing a shared one for the both of us a couple years ago). 

Anyways-yesterday-I got a text message(FOR HIM) from a woman saying that she liked "his" fb photo and wanted to skype with him. 

I probably shouldnt replied - but I was at the doc office and I was shaking - sitting in the waiting room. I texted back "this is XXXXX's wifes phone #. how did you get my number?" of course no reply. The phone number is out of state. Residential number. When I called it, it was a generic answering machine.

First - my cell is not listed publicly on our FB account. 
secondly - could that message be "junk/spam"? or is it possible he has a FB account I cant find? 
She used his first name on the message. 

Regardless - all this proves is what I already knew about him...


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> thanks everyone for listening. I've had a couple of bad days of depression - but I'm feeling better and will keep moving forward.
> anyways;
> I got a strange text message FOR MY HUSBAND - ON MY CELL PHONE:
> (He doesnt allow me to have my own fb account. So I talked him into allowing a shared one for the both of us a couple years ago).
> 
> Anyways-yesterday-I got a text message(FOR HIM) from a woman saying that she liked "his" fb photo and wanted to skype with him.
> 
> I probably shouldnt replied - but I was at the doc office and I was shaking - sitting in the waiting room. I texted back "this is XXXXX's wifes phone #. how did you get my number?" of course no reply. The phone number is out of state. Residential number. When I called it, it was a generic answering machine.
> 
> First - my cell is not listed publicly on our FB account.
> secondly - could that message be "junk/spam"? or is it possible he has a FB account I cant find?
> She used his first name on the message.
> 
> Regardless - all this proves is what I already knew about him...



Knowing what he is, why do you subject yourself to this? Why do you subject your children to torture? 

A leopard never changes his spots. Your husband will never change who he is, no matter how much love and affection you give him. Even if you try harder he is not going to change. He has not reasons to change, because he is not the abused party. You are! It is time to accept some things can never be changed and move on.

You should not have answered. Most likely he is having online conversations with other women. Regardless, don't expose him. Pretend it was a mistake and dismiss it. If you confront him, its not going to be pretty sight. He will deflect and try to turn the table on you and even get violent. That is what abusers do... In their sick mind, it is never their fault.


----------



## jaquen

Readytogo said:


> thanks everyone for listening. I've had a couple of bad days of depression - but I'm feeling better and will keep moving forward.
> anyways;
> I got a strange text message FOR MY HUSBAND - ON MY CELL PHONE:
> (He doesnt allow me to have my own fb account. So I talked him into allowing a shared one for the both of us a couple years ago).
> 
> Anyways-yesterday-I got a text message(FOR HIM) from a woman saying that she liked "his" fb photo and wanted to skype with him.
> 
> I probably shouldnt replied - but I was at the doc office and I was shaking - sitting in the waiting room. I texted back "this is XXXXX's wifes phone #. how did you get my number?" of course no reply. The phone number is out of state. Residential number. When I called it, it was a generic answering machine.
> 
> First - my cell is not listed publicly on our FB account.
> secondly - could that message be "junk/spam"? or is it possible he has a FB account I cant find?
> She used his first name on the message.
> 
> Regardless - all this proves is what I already knew about him...


If your husband is beating you, and has been for decades, why does it matter whether he's having affairs or not?

You still seem to be so emotionally invested in your husband, and marriage, that I am very concerned that you will not really be leaving.

I hope I am wrong.


----------



## turnera

Readytogo said:


> I want my son to be with me - (the one with mental illness) -but I know his father wont just let him live with me. He's already told me - he would want him with him. So when I leave. I still gotta see him - since we share concern for our son. I cant abondon my son. I just cant.


Ready, I haven't finished reading your thread, so if this is resolved, bare with me while I catch up. But he can't keep your son with him. He has no legal right. If anything, that right would go to the mother. 

IF you do all the paperwork ahead of time before you leave, you can get it arranged to move him and also be legally protected. But you have to be smart about this.

More later.


----------



## turnera

Readytogo said:


> never developed the film. I still have the camera somewhere. I can see if I can get the film developed - if its not too old. I have X-rays of my nose which I thought was broken at the time. But I told the hospital I ran into a door. (yeah I know pathetic.)
> I also had my step mom save some of his crazy text messages about a year ago and just this last week. I saved some of my ripped up clothes he destroyed a few years ago.
> But I'm thinking all of this is irrelevant if the kids are older. Why would I need proof of anything if I don’t have to fight for custody?


I've developed film that was 15 years old; yellow, but still worked.

You need the proof of all he's done because as soon as you leave, you're going to go to the police station first and file a restraining order against him for you AND your sons. Use all that proof and list the threats about burying you, and tell them you need a long-term restraining order. That way, if he DOES track you down, and you call 911, he will go IMMEDIATELY to jail; no questions asked. You need that. Trust me.


----------



## turnera

Ok, caught up. I'm sure you know the drill, but I'm going to go over it, just in case you've missed anything.

You go to United Way | Help Us Build A Stronger America and find your local chapter; call them while at work; tell them what you're doing and ask them how they can help you.
You get your legal paperwork filled out and visit whoever will represent you NOW. Tell them you'll let them know the week you move, so they can take care of whatever needs to be taken care of ahead of time.
You research places for your son to live, if he needs other accommodations; you visit them on your lunch breaks and start getting the paperwork set up. Even if this is just temporary, it may be the best thing for your son at this time. Do NOT leave him with his dad. He will use your son to rope you back in. Do whatever you have to do to reserve him a spot there and say you'll inform them when it's time.
You start putting away ANY money you can, even if it's just a dollar here or there - you store it away from your house. If he can get into your work office/location, don't store it there - ask a friend or your boss to hold it for you.
You start taking stuff out of the home, like your books and china. One thing a day. Store it somewhere else. Clothes, toiletries, anything you'll need to have a new home. One thing a day, or more, if you're leaving within a couple weeks.
You open a NEW account that he doesn't know about, at a different bank, and start the paperwork to have your check automatic deposited into it. When you know the day you're leaving, you fill out the form to start that paycheck (or one before)
You keep a packed bag of clothes and toiletries for you and any son living there, either in your trunk or (if he checks the trunk) then hidden under dirty clothes or some place he won't look. Hopefully near the door so he can't block you if he catches you leaving.
You keep the car keys on your person at all times. Use that spare key, but never leave it where he can grab it first.
You inform ONE person you can trust that you'll be doing this. Contact them every single day leading up to you leaving. Tell them that if they can't get hold of you for any reason, if you go one day without checking in, to call 911 and report him trying to kill you. Dramatic, but it may be needed. Don't let it go more than one day, if he finds out and tries to stop you.
You start closing accounts that are joint, if you have rights to them. Credit cards, phone, whatever; either close them or get the paperwork to HAVE them closed, so you can turn it all in the day you leave. You want nothing tying you two together legally or financially.
You find your next place to live. I recommend looking for some single woman somewhere who needs to rent out a couple rooms; usually a lot cheaper than an apartment. If you're in a college town, you'll find lots of them near the college.
Did you say your son has a drinking problem? Or is that just your H demeaning you? If he really does, do some research into getting him help, if he's going to be living with you. You do NOT want to get kicked out of some place just because he's drinking and causing problems.
You inform your boss and your work's security department, if they have one, the week you're leaving him. They need to know that there will be issues with him showing up.

That's all I can think of for now.


----------



## turnera

jaquen said:


> If your husband is beating you, and has been for decades, why does it matter whether he's having affairs or not?
> 
> You still seem to be so emotionally invested in your husband, and marriage, that I am very concerned that you will not really be leaving.
> 
> I hope I am wrong.


 I'm thinking the same thing. I know it's hard, but it's time to let go of what he's doing. You're just an object to him. Stop treating him as more than one.


----------



## Readytogo

Memento said:


> Knowing what he is, why do you subject yourself to this? Why do you subject your children to torture?
> 
> A leopard never changes his spots. Your husband will never change who he is, no matter how much love and affection you give him. Even if you try harder he is not going to change. He has not reasons to change, because he is not the abused party. You are! It is time to accept some things can never be changed and move on.
> 
> You should not have answered. Most likely he is having online conversations with other women. Regardless, don't expose him. Pretend it was a mistake and dismiss it. If you confront him, its not going to be pretty sight. He will deflect and try to turn the table on you and even get violent. That is what abusers do... In their sick mind, it is never their fault.


I didnt confront. You're right. But I did want to see if he was contacted and what his reaction would be. He was acting VERY loving and following me around all day. Asking if I was okay and acting concerned. I said "I'm fine, why?" I dont know what the point of me answering that message- and wanting to waist time and energy - it just ticks me off - if he thinks I'm that stupid and dont know??? 
I really need to stop pulling myself back into the emotional stuff. My step mom said - maybe I need to keep reminding myself what a dirt bag he is to keep me moving forward. 

Instead of - what I used to do; _confront, think he learned his lesson - and shove it under the rug and continue with it all_...


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> Ok, caught up. I'm sure you know the drill, but I'm going to go over it, just in case you've missed anything.
> 
> You go to United Way | Help Us Build A Stronger America and find your local chapter; call them while at work; tell them what you're doing and ask them how they can help you.
> You get your legal paperwork filled out and visit whoever will represent you NOW. Tell them you'll let them know the week you move, so they can take care of whatever needs to be taken care of ahead of time.
> You research places for your son to live, if he needs other accommodations; you visit them on your lunch breaks and start getting the paperwork set up. Even if this is just temporary, it may be the best thing for your son at this time. Do NOT leave him with his dad. He will use your son to rope you back in. Do whatever you have to do to reserve him a spot there and say you'll inform them when it's time.
> You start putting away ANY money you can, even if it's just a dollar here or there - you store it away from your house. If he can get into your work office/location, don't store it there - ask a friend or your boss to hold it for you.
> You start taking stuff out of the home, like your books and china. One thing a day. Store it somewhere else. Clothes, toiletries, anything you'll need to have a new home. One thing a day, or more, if you're leaving within a couple weeks.
> You open a NEW account that he doesn't know about, at a different bank, and start the paperwork to have your check automatic deposited into it. When you know the day you're leaving, you fill out the form to start that paycheck (or one before)
> You keep a packed bag of clothes and toiletries for you and any son living there, either in your trunk or (if he checks the trunk) then hidden under dirty clothes or some place he won't look. Hopefully near the door so he can't block you if he catches you leaving.
> You keep the car keys on your person at all times. Use that spare key, but never leave it where he can grab it first.
> You inform ONE person you can trust that you'll be doing this. Contact them every single day leading up to you leaving. Tell them that if they can't get hold of you for any reason, if you go one day without checking in, to call 911 and report him trying to kill you. Dramatic, but it may be needed. Don't let it go more than one day, if he finds out and tries to stop you.
> You start closing accounts that are joint, if you have rights to them. Credit cards, phone, whatever; either close them or get the paperwork to HAVE them closed, so you can turn it all in the day you leave. You want nothing tying you two together legally or financially.
> You find your next place to live. I recommend looking for some single woman somewhere who needs to rent out a couple rooms; usually a lot cheaper than an apartment. If you're in a college town, you'll find lots of them near the college.
> Did you say your son has a drinking problem? Or is that just your H demeaning you? If he really does, do some research into getting him help, if he's going to be living with you. You do NOT want to get kicked out of some place just because he's drinking and causing problems.
> You inform your boss and your work's security department, if they have one, the week you're leaving him. They need to know that there will be issues with him showing up.
> 
> That's all I can think of for now.


Thanks for this. Some of this I'm doing already. But a couple of things on here are helpful. so thank you. 

to answer your note about my son - he has a mental illness and sometimes drinks - Long story- 
(he should not be mixing alcohol with his meds and does.) In talking with him about it the next day; he told me he's thinking funny things again and is hearing voices again. So in my view he is trying to medicate himself with drinking. (I have alcoholism in my family- so my husband says it's my fault - due to both of my parents having drinking problems.) 
I've made an appt. for my sons doc to re-adjust his meds on Thursday.


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> I'm thinking the same thing. I know it's hard, but it's time to let go of what he's doing. You're just an object to him. Stop treating him as more than one.


You're both right!
I need to keep my head on straight -


----------



## Readytogo

Today; I'm shipping a box of items off in the mail to my mothers house. For safe keeping.

Husbands first day back to work today. So I can go through things in the house without him lurking over my shoulder and around the corner.


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> Ready, I haven't finished reading your thread, so if this is resolved, bare with me while I catch up. But he can't keep your son with him. He has no legal right. If anything, that right would go to the mother.
> 
> IF you do all the paperwork ahead of time before you leave, you can get it arranged to move him and also be legally protected. But you have to be smart about this.
> 
> More later.


I just saw this note: my son is over 18.


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> I've developed film that was 15 years old; yellow, but still worked.
> 
> You need the proof of all he's done because as soon as you leave, you're going to go to the police station first and file a restraining order against him for you AND your sons. Use all that proof and list the threats about burying you, and tell them you need a long-term restraining order. That way, if he DOES track you down, and you call 911, he will go IMMEDIATELY to jail; no questions asked. You need that. Trust me.


 OK. I get it. I can still use the photos and things I saved for the restraining order. I didnt know that. I thought I just filled out the paperwork and that was it.
I'll develope that film -thanks! 
I appreciate all your advice. I really do.

My counceling appts were not this much help!


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> I didnt confront. You're right. But I did want to see if he was contacted and what his reaction would be. He was acting VERY loving and following me around all day. Asking if I was okay and acting concerned. I said "I'm fine, why?" I dont know what the point of me answering that message- and wanting to waist time and energy - it just ticks me off - if he thinks I'm that stupid and dont know???
> I really need to stop pulling myself back into the emotional stuff. My step mom said - maybe I need to keep reminding myself what a dirt bag he is to keep me moving forward.
> 
> Instead of - what I used to do; _confront, think he learned his lesson - and shove it under the rug and continue with it all_...


Dont be fooled by his sudden concern and loving feeling. That is nothing but fools gold. It wont last, either.

Most likely, the other woman told him what happened and he is trying to minimize. 

Continue with your plan and be swift. Be cerebral! I am rooting for you!


----------



## turnera

His sudden concern is him noticing that you are different. He's trying to rope you back in by putting on the charm.

I'm sure you read in Why Does He Do that about the abuse cycles, but to remind you, if he notices himself losing control, he will ALTERNATE between a handful of actions, seeking the one that hits your vulnerability and draws you back in. He will choose from anger, sincerity, charm, victimhood, sullenness, self-righteousness, blame, guilt, threats, and back to anger again - whatever works. No, he doesn't know he's doing it; it's just what abusers do, to try to keep you from leaving them.

Re: your 18 year old son, you will need to handle this delicately. He may think he wants to stay with his dad; if so, there's nothing you can do about it. You have to be willing to leave him if so, unless you can get the courts involved out of fear for his safety.


----------



## Readytogo

Memento & Turnera;
I appreciate the support. If I were an outsider I would say the same to someone else. When emotions get involved. 25+years, kids, "family life" - in-laws...it's so much emotion. 

You are so right. I think when he asked two days ago "what's my cell phone #" - he knew he messed up - listing my number in error.

I'm going to continue my focus on me. I'm pulling myself away from the investigating stage - I've got to spend my energy on my sons and myself. 

my sons are all over 18. 3 boys. Even if at first my ill son decides to go live with dad, I dont think it would last. He has never talked with any of his doctors or even visited him in the hospital. And if my son needs something - he always comes to me for the decisions and doc appts.


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> Memento & Turnera;
> I appreciate the support. If I were an outsider I would say the same to someone else. When emotions get involved. 25+years, kids, "family life" - in-laws...it's so much emotion.
> 
> You are so right. I think when he asked two days ago "what's my cell phone #" - he knew he messed up - listing my number in error.
> 
> I'm going to continue my focus on me. I'm pulling myself away from the investigating stage - I've got to spend my energy on my sons and myself.
> 
> my sons are all over 18. 3 boys. Even if at first my ill son decides to go live with dad, I dont think it would last. He has never talked with any of his doctors or even visited him in the hospital. And if my son needs something - he always comes to me for the decisions and doc appts.



You are welcome!
I do know what you are going through. My parents have been married for 40 years and my dad still makes my mom feel like she is nothing but a maid to him. He still drinks and is verbally abusive. He is not physical anymore, because he is not as young and strong as he used to. He still cheats, whenever he has the opportunity to. He never once acknowledges that my mom and his children are important. He never stopped drinking either. Bottom line is, he hardly changed and the very little he did was because of his age. I often talk to my mom and she is still unhappy and unloved. It is very sad!

I hope you choose a different path for yourself and you are honest about your intentions to have a better and more peaceful life.


----------



## Readytogo

Memento; is there anyway I can leave you a personal message? something happened to me this past week and I wanted to talk more privately. I'm a mess.
I saw you are not set up for personal messages.
If you dont want to - that's okay. You don't need to reply.


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> Memento; is there anyway I can leave you a personal message? something happened to me this past week and I wanted to talk more privately. I'm a mess.
> I saw you are not set up for personal messages.
> If you dont want to - that's okay. You don't need to reply.


Hi,
I enable the private messaging. What's going on?


----------



## Readytogo

Hello, I wanted to check in - I've been communicating with Memento on a really personal matter that is too messed up to even begin to talk openly here. Memento has been super wonderful! 

I just wanted to note my progress to anyone still interested;

I've found a town I think I can afford. I've reached out to family members. My parents will help me financially with getting me started in a new place. I'm trying to put money aside as best I can. My uncle has made some good suggestions on how to get a restraining order. 
The councelor I had was not very helpful compared to you all. so thank you!
My uncle has also suggested I change my my pay stub, taking out less taxes to show that I bring home more.
I'm waiting for atleast two paystubs to show my new take home pay and pulling my credit report before I start filling out rental applications.
My uncle has room in his garage for a few boxes - my important things I dont want to lose.

My oldest son knows I'm looking for housing. I think I can do this.

Trying to keep myself quiet is difficult at times. 

But I'm just checking in to say hi and I'm okay.


----------



## turnera

Thank you! I'm really glad to hear of the progress.


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> Thank you! I'm really glad to hear of the progress.


thanks, me too. 

When I'm out and on my own - I'll send another note of celebration.


----------



## TBT

Glad to see you're making some headway and have some allies Rtg.


----------



## Memento

Readytogo has come a long way and made some incredible decisions and progress! She endured a lot, but she is a survivor and fighter! She also has a supporting family, that wishes her the best.
I really hope the day you announce us, you are free, comes quickly!!


----------



## jaquen

Really good to hear this kind of positive update. Please keep us all informed!

:smthumbup:


----------



## Readytogo

Hi folks,
I pick up my keys 5/22/13. It took a while. I fell apart in February. I finally got on anti-depressants and anxiety meds as needed. I feel stronger and healthier.
My thoughts were rolled up in a ball and I couldnt think right. 

To add to the story without too much drama and detail; through this wonderful TAM site, I learned how to look up computer history and also learned about liars and cheaters - 
So from there. I began watching my husband and tried to understand what he was up to, I just couldnt figure things out - something was off...
- I learned that he has been looking at child porn. 
As I was dealing with how to handle that issue through counselors, what to do, when to report him etc. In December - my husband drugged me and had un-consensual sex with me. I didn't understand what had happened to me and it took a few days for me to put all the pieces together and figure out why my body was reacting the way it was. (sparing the details). Then I figured out he used our sons sleep meds to drug me. I noticed that month he ran out before the prescription could be re-filled.
Anyways, with all of this, I never totally confronted him. And fell apart. My counceling was over - and spiraled down hill. Then pulled myself back together - my docs put me on meds and am feeling better.
So I've got my place, and will file D and report him to authorities.


So now...I AM ready to go.


----------



## turnera

Wow. Good luck, you deserve it! Have you been able to get proof of it all?


----------



## Readytogo

only the computer history - he's looking at that stuff, he just doesn't know that I know his password to his part of the computer. I cant prove the drugging. No one would believe me and too much time went by. But I know what he did to me.


----------



## turnera

Well, if you can prove child porn, it may be enough to put him away. Can you make it look like someone else turned him in?


----------



## Readytogo

I tried to "quick" reply to you Turnera - didnt work. 
child services will take anonymous reports. I've already given the counselor my husbands info. But for my own sake, I'm going to report him - anonymously. He will most likely know I reported him. But at least he'll be dealt with and I will know that no one will be hurt by him.
He knows something is up. But I keep referring back to his past infidelity when he confronts me. And I accuse him of having an affair since that's what I've caught him at. 

The hardest part for me - is going to be trust in new people. If I've been married for 25 years to someone like this - who else is out there that can lie without blinking an eye.


----------



## turnera

Best to be ok with yourself, by yourself, and if someone comes along who happens to meet your new high standards, just a bonus.


----------



## TBT

Just saw this and I am so happy to hear you're finally going to be away from this sham of a man.Sorry for what you went through in December and February. Keep your chin up and find your footing.Don't let your stbx be the touchstone you consider other men by....there are many good men in this world.I'm sure you'll start feeling more optimistic the more distant you get from his negative influence.

It's good that you're reporting him.If he's involved in child porn,I hope he goes to jail....then God help him.

Take care of yourself Readytogo and please update when you can.


----------



## belleoftheball

You really do need to get out of there asap before something bad happens to you or your children. Whether you decide to stay locally and go into a shelter temp. and keep your job there or else move, you need to do something fast. Good luck to you.


----------



## Readytogo

TBT said:


> Just saw this and I am so happy to hear you're finally going to be away from this sham of a man.Sorry for what you went through in December and February. Keep your chin up and find your footing.Don't let your stbx be the touchstone you consider other men by....there are many good men in this world.I'm sure you'll start feeling more optimistic the more distant you get from his negative influence.
> 
> It's good that you're reporting him.If he's involved in child porn,I hope he goes to jail....then God help him.
> 
> Take care of yourself Readytogo and please update when you can.


Thank you. I know there are good people out there. My family and my sons are great examples. I just need to get my head out of what I've been through and seen. 



Picked up the keys yesterday. I'm moving what I can Friday night while my husband is at work. My oldest son will help me move what we can. 

I'll touch base when after the move.


----------



## Readytogo

dragonlady4ever said:


> You really do need to get out of there asap before something bad happens to you or your children. Whether you decide to stay locally and go into a shelter temp. and keep your job there or else move, you need to do something fast. Good luck to you.


thank you. It's been a long haul with depression and anxiety. I'm moving Friday night while he's at work and leaving him a note. He'll get it Saturday morning when he gets home from work.


----------



## turnera

Be safe!


----------



## notperfectanymore

Please post soon hun...hoping you are ok and things went well...kind of worried about U...


----------



## Readytogo

hi. I didnt have internet until an hour ago. I did move out safely with one truck and car load. My oldest son and I are the only ones that know where I am.

My two sons stayed with their dad. I talked to them all and let them know I was moving and needed to do it while their dad was at work because I was afraid.

Since then, a lot of threatening text message from my husband. Which I expected. 
Then I was really upset when he was mad at our oldest son for moving things for me. - he threatened our son! He said "don't you ever come back to this house and take anything out of here without me being here". Told him he was removing him from medical and car insurance and kept texting him "did you find your mom a boyfriend too". Using the "F" work to him. I felt horrible for our son. He's such a great guy he doesn't deserve bad treatment - especially from his father. I had my step dad call my son and tell him he was doing what any son would do for their mother. 

I HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT RESPOND TO ANY OF HIS MESSAGES.
Here were the messages:
1. “give the rent check to ****** If I suffer at all you will suffer 100 times more. Goes for your new buddy too wow your BRAVE.
2.	I’m going to –
3.	And your family
4.	I will find U
5.	You should know me by now You know whats going to happen
6.	Every step U take U better be carefull
7.	Ho
8.	I hope u Die for what u did to my family
9.	Before I go down I will find u and u will go first I promise this

10. Your going to pay ****
11. May not be now but I will get u
12. Selfish pig ruin your kids life think you can find someone better I hope u and your family die
13. God will punish you

The first day he told the 2 boys if he didn't have them he would kill himself. Which puts guilt on the boys if they want to come and see the place. But my family said to not let them even know where I'm at for now.

Yesterday I called the counseling center. I've got a divorce class June 7th to go to. And and they gave me several other phone numbers of resources for help and support. Including what the process is for restraining order and where to go. I start work tomorrow.

I have one wood chair. 2 dressers. And sleeping on an air mattress. My desk as the dining table. A used set of dishes. Coffee pot. 1 pot 2 pans. My step mom boxed up all of her extra kitchen supplies. And bagged up a bunch of spices in zip lock baggies. I dont feel bad or poor or sad. I feel super. I love to sit on my own floor. My dog keeps me company and I wait for text messages from my kids. I'm going to get through this. My kids will see through their dad. I feel hopeful and my family says I sound better on the phone then before.


----------



## TBT

So glad to see your post Rtg! You must be feeling an amazing amount of relief right now.Its good to see your son and other family members are in your corner and you have a plan moving forward.Right now things may look a little bare,but you know that will change in time.

Make sure you keep copies of his messages.As a matter of fact,if it were me and because of the insinuations he made,I'd be showing them to the police right now so that they would be on record.Just be very careful in your going and coming and don't let your guard down.If someone like him were in my life I would be very vigilant.

Take advantage of all the help and support you can get.Let us know how it goes in the next little while.I'm just so very happy that you're ok!! Stay safe and God bless.


----------



## Memento

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! I wish the very best for your new start!

For a while I thought that you wouldn't do it. But I am really glad I was wrong!

Please watch your back and get a restraining order. It should be piece of cake considering the content of the messages he sent you.

Regarding your son, he should never feel ashamed of doing the right thing! Looking the other way would make him as guilty as your soon to be ex husband.



Readytogo said:


> hi. I didnt have internet until an hour ago. I did move out safely with one truck and car load. My oldest son and I are the only ones that know where I am.
> 
> My two sons stayed with their dad. I talked to them all and let them know I was moving and needed to do it while their dad was at work because I was afraid.
> 
> Since then, a lot of threatening text message from my husband. Which I expected.
> Then I was really upset when he was mad at our oldest son for moving things for me. - he threatened our son! He said "don't you ever come back to this house and take anything out of here without me being here". Told him he was removing him from medical and car insurance and kept texting him "did you find your mom a boyfriend too". Using the "F" work to him. I felt horrible for our son. He's such a great guy he doesn't deserve bad treatment - especially from his father. I had my step dad call my son and tell him he was doing what any son would do for their mother.
> 
> I HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT RESPOND TO ANY OF HIS MESSAGES.
> Here were the messages:
> 1. “give the rent check to ****** If I suffer at all you will suffer 100 times more. Goes for your new buddy too wow your BRAVE.
> 2.	I’m going to –
> 3.	And your family
> 4.	I will find U
> 5.	You should know me by now You know whats going to happen
> 6.	Every step U take U better be carefull
> 7.	Ho
> 8.	I hope u Die for what u did to my family
> 9.	Before I go down I will find u and u will go first I promise this
> 
> 10. Your going to pay ****
> 11. May not be now but I will get u
> 12. Selfish pig ruin your kids life think you can find someone better I hope u and your family die
> 13. God will punish you
> 
> The first day he told the 2 boys if he didn't have them he would kill himself. Which puts guilt on the boys if they want to come and see the place. But my family said to not let them even know where I'm at for now.
> 
> Yesterday I called the counseling center. I've got a divorce class June 7th to go to. And and they gave me several other phone numbers of resources for help and support. Including what the process is for restraining order and where to go. I start work tomorrow.
> 
> I have one wood chair. 2 dressers. And sleeping on an air mattress. My desk as the dining table. A used set of dishes. Coffee pot. 1 pot 2 pans. My step mom boxed up all of her extra kitchen supplies. And bagged up a bunch of spices in zip lock baggies. I dont feel bad or poor or sad. I feel super. I love to sit on my own floor. My dog keeps me company and I wait for text messages from my kids. I'm going to get through this. My kids will see through their dad. I feel hopeful and my family says I sound better on the phone then before.


----------



## notperfectanymore

Readytogo said:


> hi. I didnt have internet until an hour ago. I did move out safely with one truck and car load. My oldest son and I are the only ones that know where I am.
> 
> My two sons stayed with their dad. I talked to them all and let them know I was moving and needed to do it while their dad was at work because I was afraid.
> 
> Since then, a lot of threatening text message from my husband. Which I expected.
> Then I was really upset when he was mad at our oldest son for moving things for me. - he threatened our son! He said "don't you ever come back to this house and take anything out of here without me being here". Told him he was removing him from medical and car insurance and kept texting him "did you find your mom a boyfriend too". Using the "F" work to him. I felt horrible for our son. He's such a great guy he doesn't deserve bad treatment - especially from his father. I had my step dad call my son and tell him he was doing what any son would do for their mother.
> 
> I HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT RESPOND TO ANY OF HIS MESSAGES.
> Here were the messages:
> 1. “give the rent check to ****** If I suffer at all you will suffer 100 times more. Goes for your new buddy too wow your BRAVE.
> 2.	I’m going to –
> 3.	And your family
> 4.	I will find U
> 5.	You should know me by now You know whats going to happen
> 6.	Every step U take U better be carefull
> 7.	Ho
> 8.	I hope u Die for what u did to my family
> 9.	Before I go down I will find u and u will go first I promise this
> 
> 10. Your going to pay ****
> 11. May not be now but I will get u
> 12. Selfish pig ruin your kids life think you can find someone better I hope u and your family die
> 13. God will punish you
> 
> The first day he told the 2 boys if he didn't have them he would kill himself. Which puts guilt on the boys if they want to come and see the place. But my family said to not let them even know where I'm at for now.
> 
> Yesterday I called the counseling center. I've got a divorce class June 7th to go to. And and they gave me several other phone numbers of resources for help and support. Including what the process is for restraining order and where to go. I start work tomorrow.
> 
> I have one wood chair. 2 dressers. And sleeping on an air mattress. My desk as the dining table. A used set of dishes. Coffee pot. 1 pot 2 pans. My step mom boxed up all of her extra kitchen supplies. And bagged up a bunch of spices in zip lock baggies. I dont feel bad or poor or sad. I feel super. I love to sit on my own floor. My dog keeps me company and I wait for text messages from my kids. I'm going to get through this. My kids will see through their dad. I feel hopeful and my family says I sound better on the phone then before.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

SO FREAKIN PROUD OF YOU!!! WOOT WOOT!!! 

Please be safe, a restraining order is good, but hopin maybe you are licensed and can bear arms to protect yourself? Or maybe a really large dog? I know men like that...paper does not stop them...

Anyway, enough of that...ENJOY your freedom, space, all those things you have missed for so long...and maybe time for a new thread? Cause this time you DIDN"T FAIL! :smthumbup:

Big hugz


----------



## jaquen

Incredibly proud of you, and SO happy to see this kind of update. You did it! You already sound so much more empowered, and free, than you did when you first started this thread.

I echo what others have said, the restraining order might not be enough. Please look into getting some kind of personal protection device. I hope it doesn't come to down to that, but I don't trust your bastard of a STBXH!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

This is so amazing to read, good for you! Will your boys be able to be with you soon?


----------



## Readytogo

Memento said:


> I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! I wish the very best for your new start!
> 
> For a while I thought that you wouldn't do it. But I am really glad I was wrong!
> 
> Please watch your back and get a restraining order. It should be piece of cake considering the content of the messages he sent you.
> 
> Regarding your son, he should never feel ashamed of doing the right thing! Looking the other way would make him as guilty as your soon to be ex husband.


My son is a trooper and doesn't feel bad. He spend the night here a couple of nights and we talked. He's such a great person. I'm so proud of him. 

Thank you Memento for everything in talking about the details in personal notes etc. You were there every day when I was falling apart. Wish I knew you in person. I'd give you a big hug and a pretty bouquet of flowers.


----------



## Readytogo

3Xnocharm said:


> This is so amazing to read, good for you! Will your boys be able to be with you soon?


they are all over 18. And I think eventually they will go with me. I don't know the outcome of their father and his fate yet. I don't really want them around him. But for now - I have to work on my safety then the rest will fall into place.


----------



## Readytogo

notperfectanymore said:


> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> 
> SO FREAKIN PROUD OF YOU!!! WOOT WOOT!!!
> 
> Please be safe, a restraining order is good, but hopin maybe you are licensed and can bear arms to protect yourself? Or maybe a really large dog? I know men like that...paper does not stop them...
> 
> Anyway, enough of that...ENJOY your freedom, space, all those things you have missed for so long...and maybe time for a new thread? Cause this time you DIDN"T FAIL! :smthumbup:
> 
> Big hugz


thank you!!! I might get pepper spray I don't know. But I feel very safe as long as he doesn't know where I am. Only my oldest son and I know where I am.


----------



## Readytogo

This morning - his tone changed; husbands last message:
"please be careful a woman living alone worries me. I'm not there to protect you. I hope you find what you are looking for. There's a lot of weird guys out there I still care about U."

The first thing that crossed my mind. Doesnt he realize that I had to protect myself from him? Duhhhh...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Readytogo said:


> they are all over 18. And I think eventually they will go with me. I don't know the outcome of their father and his fate yet. I don't really want them around him. But for now - I have to work on my safety then the rest will fall into place.


Oh good! I didnt realize their ages!


----------



## Memento

Readytogo said:


> My son is a trooper and doesn't feel bad. He spend the night here a couple of nights and we talked. He's such a great person. I'm so proud of him.
> 
> Thank you Memento for everything in talking about the details in personal notes etc. You were there every day when I was falling apart. Wish I knew you in person. I'd give you a big hug and a pretty bouquet of flowers.


You cant imagine how proud I am of you! You deserve to be happy and have a peaceful life. Everyone does! You are a good person who has been through so much. I know it took a lot of courage and inner strength to do what you did!

I am relieved your family has your back and supports your decision. That is fundamental.

Thank you for the kind words but, the merit is all yours!! Ultimately, it was your decisions and actions that set you free. 

However, you need to be vigilant and make sure you are safe. A restraining order is nothing but a piece of paper for some people. Like someone said before, you might need some form for personal protection.


----------



## Readytogo

Tone of text messages changed. I cried a bit but had to turned the phone off.

From husband:
"I cant believe you did this to your family your not the one I loved"

"My heart hurts bad please come home I love you I will change"

From my middle son:
"Mom can you please come back home dad quit smoking weed he will do anything to get you back I'll quit too".

"Dad misses you really bad he will do anything for you to come back i miss you too."

This is the day of week/time where I would wake him with a cup of tea before work and make his lunch for work. It started out as a nice gesture but later turned into my chore. One day a few years back when I was late from work - I told him I didnt have time to make his lunch - I was too busy in meetings - he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the kitchen and told me that my job was to make his lunch and HIS job was more important -
Ever since then I hated making his lunch.

Every time I catch myself crying I remember things like that day.


----------



## Memento

Too late! He had all those years that you spent together to realize what he did to you was wrong. Now, its too late. He hasnt change. Men like him never do!!

Be strong!! You have us all as your group support. You have your family's support as well. You are not alone!

Don't cry! All that is in the past now. Be happy that you are a survive and you got another chance to be happy! Grab it with both hands and don't look back.



Readytogo said:


> Tone of text messages changed. I cried a bit but had to turned the phone off.
> 
> From husband:
> "I cant believe you did this to your family your not the one I loved"
> 
> "My heart hurts bad please come home I love you I will change"
> 
> From my middle son:
> "Mom can you please come back home dad quit smoking weed he will do anything to get you back I'll quit too".
> 
> "Dad misses you really bad he will do anything for you to come back i miss you too."
> 
> This is the day of week/time where I would wake him with a cup of tea before work and make his lunch for work. It started out as a nice gesture but later turned into my chore. One day a few years back when I was late from work - I told him I didnt have time to make his lunch - I was too busy in meetings - he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the kitchen and told me that my job was to make his lunch and HIS job was more important -
> Ever since then I hated making his lunch.
> 
> Every time I catch myself crying I remember things like that day.


----------



## turnera

Readytogo said:


> This morning - his tone changed; husbands last message:
> "please be careful a woman living alone worries me. I'm not there to protect you. I hope you find what you are looking for. There's a lot of weird guys out there I still care about U."
> 
> The first thing that crossed my mind. Doesnt he realize that I had to protect myself from him? Duhhhh...


 That's just him cycling through the abuse stages to get to you. Trying all of them (anger, guilt, nice, blame, fear, silly, etc.) to see which one gets you to respond.


----------



## turnera

Readytogo said:


> From my middle son:
> "Mom can you please come back home dad quit smoking weed he will do anything to get you back I'll quit too".
> 
> "Dad misses you really bad he will do anything for you to come back i miss you too."


Your response to your son:



> Son, this is the day of week/time where I would wake your dad with a cup of tea before work and make his lunch for work. It started out as a nice gesture but later turned into my chore. One day a few years back when I was late from work - I told him I didnt have time to make his lunch - I was too busy in meetings - he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the kitchen and told me that my job was to make his lunch and HIS job was more important -
> Ever since then I hated making his lunch. Every time I catch myself crying I remember things like that day. And that is why I can't return to your father. I hope some day you'll understand.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Sister, you've done a great job. These are the ramblings of a desperate man that never thought you would leave. Please remember that should you ever go back to him the abuse will be many times worse as he will make sure you never leave again. PLEASE stick to your guns, document every harassing and threatening communication you get from him, and involve the law. This man is sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Readytogo

Thanks everyone. OMG. My youngest son has the task of texting his messages to me. It's all about money money money. He(husband) wants me to pay him / "them". I'm paying as I can the utilities up to June 1st. I feel bad that my son was put in this position.

Since last week- I went to the house while he was at work - he gutted the house of all of my belongings! Everything. Gone. Broken and trashed. 
China, glass figurines, antique family heirlooms. crystal. ALL GONE. Stained glass I made 30 years ago. GONE and broken. A whole bookcase of books. Trashed! Sewing machine. Family turkey platter. antique embroidered table clothes - all ruined and trashed.

I'm sitting on the floor - watching the TV I just bought on sale and think. All that stuff was just stuff. I have myself which is the best of all. I can do what-ever I want. Go where I want. Talk to whoever I want. And make choices of not to make dinner tonight. Buy perfume. Buy pretty under garments that make me feel good about me! All the little things ladies take for granted. I never got to do. I can do them now. 


I am happy just knowing that he threw "stuff" away. But he can't ever have me again.

I met a legal consultant yesterday through the clinic I went to. She made some suggestions about the bills and told me where to go to start the filing process. That's on my calendar for next week.

thanks everyone for the support.


----------



## turnera

Question: You lived in a house with 3 or 4 or 5 *adult men* (lost count), all adults, and YOU are responsible for paying the utilities at THEIR house?

What's wrong with that picture?


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> Question: You lived in a house with 3 or 4 or 5 *adult men* (lost count), all adults, and YOU are responsible for paying the utilities at THEIR house?
> 
> What's wrong with that picture?


Yup,
My husband and our two sons. LOL. Yes, the agreement was he paid 1/2 rent, car insurance and credit cards and I paid 1/2 rent, ALL utilities for the house, groceries, health insurance & dental co pays for the family. So when I left I had a few things that were not caught up. So he's not only demanding that I catch everything up but that I send him 200 a month for credit card debt of 8,000 (which he was suppose to pay and get it down, but never quite got there). Which doesnt include MY 1800 card.

So he's using our son to communicate the details of whats been paid and what hasnt been paid and telling our son to "collect". My reply to our son was "I'm sorry your father is putting you in the middle of this. But tell him to return everything he threw away - I'll send him the bill!". I haven't heard from anyone since.


----------



## Memento

:smthumbup: I am seeing an empowered and confident new woman!! You have made so much progress  You are an example to many abused women! 




Readytogo said:


> Yup,
> My husband and our two sons. LOL. Yes, the agreement was he paid 1/2 rent, car insurance and credit cards and I paid 1/2 rent, ALL utilities for the house, groceries, health insurance & dental co pays for the family. So when I left I had a few things that were not caught up. So he's not only demanding that I catch everything up but that I send him 200 a month for credit card debt of 8,000 (which he was suppose to pay and get it down, but never quite got there). Which doesnt include MY 1800 card.
> 
> So he's using our son to communicate the details of whats been paid and what hasnt been paid and telling our son to "collect". My reply to our son was "I'm sorry your father is putting you in the middle of this. But tell him to return everything he threw away - I'll send him the bill!". I haven't heard from anyone since.


----------



## turnera

Now that you're 'growing up' for your own sake and the sake of your sons, here's the next step: STOP AGREEING to what you agreed to while under duress. No court in America would hold you responsible for what you agreed to do while being abused. Stop acting like an abused wife and 'man up,' ok? He's a grown-ass man. Let HIM pay some bills for a change. Stop 'honoring' what you agreed to as a victim. Teach your sons how to act. And hope to God they may learn, and not turn out like him.

Let him sue you for it.


----------



## Readytogo

I'm "growing some" turnera.  

So -last night my father called me. He decides to tell me that "he has a son" that I never knew about!!! My step mom didnt know. He didnt tell anyone!
So somewhere in Pennsylvania I have a 1/2 brother who is about 33 years old now!!! 

And my husband sent my sister a private message on facebook "loser". I cant believe a 55 year old acts like that to my sister!

My life has turned into a Jerry Springer show!! I thought I was boring! I'm the most interesting person I know lately. GEESH


----------



## turnera

lol

Some day you'll be able to look back and laugh about it.


----------



## Readytogo

update:
My kids had a horrible fathers day. My oldest son told me that his dad said to not bother coming over for father's day. My son went to the house anyways to drop off a card and check on things.
His father had the bedroom door locked all day with music blaring. Would not open the door for the boys.
Finally the boys picked the lock, and found their dad lying on the bed with a gun laying on the bed and a bullet in his hand.

My oldest is pretty mad that he would put the boys through that. They finally talked him into having dinner and talked to him for a while.

I did give my youngest (19) phone numbers if his father was suicidal. I don't want my kids feeling like their father's happiness is dependent on them. I was thinking of calling their fathers friend and letting him know what happened. I just dont want my kids having that on their shoulders. It's not fair to them -


----------



## turnera

I'm sorry, but that was an act. I've seen it. He KNEW that by saying, no, don't come see me, they would. He KNEW they'd see the locked door and hear the music and get concerned. He KNEW they'd get in and find the scary bullet and feel sorry for them. And he EXPECTED them to come to you and beg you to come back home, to 'save his life.'

What he didn't expect was that the lifelong effect of his abuse would have 'tainted' them to his manipulation. I'm proud of them for seeing through it.


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> I'm sorry, but that was an act. I've seen it. He KNEW that by saying, no, don't come see me, they would. He KNEW they'd see the locked door and hear the music and get concerned. He KNEW they'd get in and find the scary bullet and feel sorry for them. And he EXPECTED them to come to you and beg you to come back home, to 'save his life.'
> 
> What he didn't expect was that the lifelong effect of his abuse would have 'tainted' them to his manipulation. I'm proud of them for seeing through it.


Yup. My youngest did tell me that his dad removed all of his guns from the safe and has them in a duffle bag to clean them. I said I don't like that. I think they need to be locked up or even taken away if he behaves this way.

I asked my oldest if he felt I needed to call their fathers friend. 
He said to wait and see if things get better.


I'm sure it was an act too. My uncle thought the same. A ploy to get me home or answer his messages. It just angers me he's letting his sons see him act this way. I hear it in their voices, they sound down and heavy hearted.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Readytogo said:


> Yup. My youngest did tell me that his dad removed all of his guns from the safe and has them in a duffle bag to clean them. I said I don't like that. I think they need to be locked up or even taken away if he behaves this way.
> 
> I asked my oldest if he felt I needed to call their fathers friend.
> He said to wait and see if things get better.
> 
> 
> I'm sure it was an act too. My uncle thought the same. A ploy to get me home or answer his messages. It just angers me he's letting his sons see him act this way. I hear it in their voices, they sound down and heavy hearted.



Just goes to show how incredibly self center he is. Quite pathetic really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Readytogo

I got a call this past Saturday 6/22. My father had a heart attack. I went to the hospital and they were trying to revive him. No such luck. He was gone and all I could do was hold his hand and keep telling him "Daddy I love you, I'm here and I love you". But they could not bring him back. 

He suffered a heart attack according to the doctors. 

I know I shouldn't have. But since I had received so many text messages from my husband "I hope you and your family die". I was sitting with my fathers body waiting for my son to come. I texted my almost ex creap of a low life scum bag husband "you wanted me and my family dead! My father died today and I hate YOU! My father liked you.".

I was emotional of course. He responded "F*ck You".
"I hope the rest of your family die". And he keeps sending similar messages. 

I dont know if I can get him for harrassment but I"m over being nice. His mother is not responding anything about my fathers death. He's been trying to turn the kids against me. Obviously turned her and her husband against me. Who knows what the heck he told them!

It's so wrong and ugly. But acts nice nice to his family. And claims to be a victim. I've saved every text and email.
another message:"Send me 85 dollars every month for ***credit card and I'll leave you alone". 


It's been exhausted and have so many emotions.

He keeps putting my family down to my kids. 

Besides a restraining order - what else can I file against him??? I'm ready and so angry he's interfering with the loss of my dad. He text my sons while they are with me after my dad died "I love you sons".

He worried the boys that he was capable of hurting himself (they didnt want to tell me since I've been already stressed) that night- so they would stay home and not come over here. My oldest sees through it, but I"m not sure the other two get it.

He's also using God a lot in everything he mentions. Claiming that "God is on his side" and basically I'm a horrible person who abandoned her family, and am evil - He's never been a religious person. Suddenly God's on his side.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I'm so sorry about you dad, I lost mine to cancer a year ago and it still sucks. I would stop contacting him, that text you sent gave him power and clearly he used it. I didn't even tell my ex that my dad was sick or that he died because he like to use things against me. Also, harassment charges will be tougher to pursue of you're contacting and engaging him. Take all of his communications to the sheriffs office and present them, I did this with my nutty sister after several years of harassing threats and they called her personally, then told me to keep everything and if it continued they would send it to the DA's office. As for everything else, who even cares what he thinks about God? Please, like he's that important. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## persephone71

Readytogo said:


> I’m tired. (25 years of this sh*t) The latest occurrence really makes me want to act fast and move quicker than I can make appointments and see counselors. Last week I took a few days off to help my step mom with her surgery recovery. – Husband was NOT happy that I was leaving.
> 
> – I’ve learned that he’s a controlling abuser and am trying to work out where to go and how. However, I told him “deal with it, my mom needs me more than you”. I stayed up at my moms for about 4 nights, 5 days. I came home Saturday – day. I was tired from helping her out for 5 days. I drove 2 hours to get home. Came home and made a good dinner, cleaned up and went to bed exhausted. I think he was upset that there was no sex. (If I go away, he expects sex the night I return, or he thinks I’ve been with someone else).
> Sunday; I wake him around noon – (his night off) and ask if he wants to go to the annual Labor day block party down the street.
> 
> He freaked out, called me all kinds of names for even mentioning it. Telling me I’m the neighborhood ***** and I just want to go talk to the men. Says “ you only want to go drink beer and chat with the men. We’ve lived here 20 years. Yeah I want some neighbor friends and he always does this. Out of 11 years of the street BBQ’s we’ve gone to three. He doesn’t like me talking to anyone.
> 
> After he called me a *****, and a few other names, I said please explain how and what I’ve done to be a *****; he says “well you were no virgin when I met you”. (I was 19).
> The words kept coming. I didn’t fight /yell back. I think he was trying to start a fight on purpose. AND I believe he had plans to go somewhere while I was gone. A comment he made “so you came home early to go visit your buddies down the street?”. I never said when I would be home. I was gone for 5 days. So then I got to thinking, he had plans while I was gone, and I ruined them by coming home. That’s why he’s been so mean. He was starting a fight on purpose so he could take off.
> 
> Sure enough I see him getting ready to go somewhere.
> I have a company car that he likes to use, free gas for him. Knowing he would want to take my car, I put the keys in my pocket – (I’m not allowed to touch, open or go near his truck- yes he’s strange). So when he takes my car I don’t have transportation. With keys in my pocket , he’s looking for the keys, throwing things around, dumped my purse out on the floor looking for the keys. Rushing up to me like he’s going to hurt me. Eventually he shoved me and said “give me the “F***ing keys b!tch or I kill you.
> I was shaken up. I backed from him, and threw the keys at him and said “this is the last time you use my car”. He said “I’ll do what I want when I want, who do you think you are” and acted like he was going to hit me- raising his fist at me.
> He left. I was shaken up.
> 
> My older son came over to go to the block party. I went with him for a while. Had a nice visit with neighbors for about an hour. Came home and there was my husband. He waited for my older son to leave.
> He again rushed at me like he was going to hit me, with his hand fisted. Intimidating me. He came up to my face and said “I could kill you b!tch”. Wh*re, …you couldn’t resist could you”. My younger sons 16 year old girlfriend had come overand heard what he said to me and told my son.
> 
> Husband left a second time
> While he was gone, I grabbed whatever clothes I had in the dryer, a work outfit and toothbrush etc packed it in a a suite case, dug out my credit card which only has about 200 bucks on it, and found my spare key which I keep hidden. I hid the key and C.Card in a baggie in the ivy in my front yard.
> He returned home an hour later with a 12 pack of beer ,
> My son wanted me to leave. I told him “don’t let him know you’re talking to me because he says I turn my kids against him.” So he stayed near. When I was alone in my room – (bags packed) trying to figure out where to go at 9 o’clock at night. My husband came in the room – beer in hand. He said “you’re not going to sleep tonight b!tch, I’m keeping you up all night”. My son came in and told his dad “Dad– leave her alone, just walk away”. Husband says, “ this is an adult discussion, you’re just a kid – you don’t understand yet, but you will”. As he’s leaving the room, he says to me “he can’t be here all the time b!tch”.
> My son snuck my suite case in the trunk of my car, came in my room when my husband wasn’t around and said “just go mom”. I told him I’m afraid to go, I don’t know where to go.
> All in all, I had nowhere to go. I was afraid, if I left, I could never come back. And I know that he would have ruined all of my things.
> The next couple of nights, he kicked me out of our bed room. Locked me out, blocked the door with furniture, watching t.v. eating junk food and leaving a mess on my side of the bed. One night he blaired music really loud till 2:00 am. . Yesterday morning I was getting ready to shower before work, he said “this is my shower, my room – get the “f” out. I said – sorry dude I pay half the rent and ALL of the utilities – the water the runs the shower. So – no. I shut door on him.
> 
> Things are calm again. He needs me to make appointments for him and make his lunch, I told him – you treat me like crap, I do nothing for you. You want something from me, then apologize and clean up this room you left a pig pen.
> Sure enough that night, he cleaned up the bed room and told me “you can sleep here if you want”. I said sure thanks. Laid down and shut the light off on him. He never did apologize. He never does. He still believes “I started it” because I asked if we could go the annual picnic down the street.
> I really wish I could just leave. It’s so hard to do with a small income – no savings and an adult kid with mental disabilities that relies on me. 3 adult kids are still relying on me and not living on their own yet.
> 
> I’m readytogo…….
> mentally....


(((hugs)))

Abuse is major. It's ugly and unfair. What he's doing to you is disgusting and cruel....

Have you check out some of the other on-line groups for victims of abuse? PM me, I can give you some links.

Remember, it's not you...

Stay strong.


----------



## Readytogo

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm so sorry about you dad, I lost mine to cancer a year ago and it still sucks. I would stop contacting him, that text you sent gave him power and clearly he used it. I didn't even tell my ex that my dad was sick or that he died because he like to use things against me. Also, harassment charges will be tougher to pursue of you're contacting and engaging him. Take all of his communications to the sheriffs office and present them, I did this with my nutty sister after several years of harassing threats and they called her personally, then told me to keep everything and if it continued they would send it to the DA's office. As for everything else, who even cares what he thinks about God? Please, like he's that important. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was dumb of me send him a note. I was angry and upset. I think I wanted to point some blame somewhere since he kept texting me "I hope you and your family die". it was just eating at me. 

Thank you. I've got a lot to do.


----------



## Readytogo

persephone71 said:


> (((hugs)))
> 
> Abuse is major. It's ugly and unfair. What he's doing to you is disgusting and cruel....
> 
> Have you check out some of the other on-line groups for victims of abuse? PM me, I can give you some links.
> 
> Remember, it's not you...
> 
> Stay strong.


thank you! I did eventually get out. I've been out for 1 month. And he's been texting and emailing with harassment messages.


----------



## turnera

I hope you are saving and printing them and handing them over to your police department. They need to keep a file going on him so that, if something worse happens, they already have a 'record' of his tendencies.


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> I hope you are saving and printing them and handing them over to your police department. They need to keep a file going on him so that, if something worse happens, they already have a 'record' of his tendencies.



I havent contacted the police - but I did save everything. My son said that he's telling his mother (my mother-in-law) lies and now she is not speaking to me. 

I haven't done anything to deserve this. But I expected it.


----------



## turnera

Give them to the police. Become a regular there, so that when he escalates - and he will - they KNOW you and know you aren't just an upset wife having a fight, and they can protect you. They HAVE to have an ongoing record, ok?


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> Give them to the police. Become a regular there, so that when he escalates - and he will - they KNOW you and know you aren't just an upset wife having a fight, and they can protect you. They HAVE to have an ongoing record, ok?



I promise I will. Thank you. I'm particularly worried that he will show up to my dads services we plan on having in August.
I plan on having a restraining order for me and my family. He's saying mean things about my step mom and wishing her dead. Which is horrible. Especially since she has sooo many health problems.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Readytogo said:


> I promise I will. Thank you. I'm particularly worried that he will show up to my dads services we plan on having in August.
> I plan on having a restraining order for me and my family. He's saying mean things about my step mom and wishing her dead. Which is horrible. Especially since she has sooo many health problems.



Don't even let it bother you. He hates that he no longer has control so he's trying to keep some by saying mean things and bullying, knowing they'll bother you. The way your deal with that is to treat him like he's nothing and nobody cares what he thinks. I have done this with my sister; just laugh at how pathetic he is. You'll feel much better.....take your evidence to the police though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Have you let your new neighbors know about him? Please do.


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> Have you let your new neighbors know about him? Please do.


I talked to two neighbors in my apartment complex and we three keep an eye out for each other. The woman upstairs has a restraining order on her husband already and said if she pounds on the wall 3 times to call 911 and I would do the same.


----------



## Readytogo

Update: Printed out all 107 text messages. And emails.
He called my phone in the middle of the night a few times to wake me. Says he hopes I lose my job and wants me and my family dead and hopes we all burn in hell.
He's cutting the kids off of insurance - stating he can't afford them. And that I need to get them medical / dental coverage and car insurance. 

I've got the paperwork for the restraining order, it actually gets filed at the court house not the police station. RO will cover email & phone contact.

Going to courthouse today with all documents ready.
Including copies of my past notes I've taken of my fear of him and past abuse.

I'm going to ask for a temporary Restraining order -which should cover my dads memorial service. He did find out where and when the services were from his mother. 

The full order will take 3 weeks or longer to get approved - and no guarantee the judge would approve it. Pretty sure they will.

While I'm at the court house I'll see if I can pick up the divorce papers.


----------



## turnera

Good for you. You're doing what needs to be done. It will be better, eventually.


----------



## temperance

He possess all the symptoms of an abusive man. You got to stay away... no matter how much sweet talk, promises he gave you after you leave. He would say all kind of hurtful things to you, and then come back to do something nice to you. He can't help it, its his emotion... but don't let that trick you back into hell. He is just trying to control, and he realized he is losing control over you and freaked out. Take care of your children as much as you can, children are often able to adapt better than adults, they will be growing up a better person and able to cope with life crisis because of you are doing the right thing. 

Don't be soft heart and stay away from him when he comes back with the sweet talk. Believe it or not, he will. Let him deal with his own issues.


----------



## Readytogo

It took a few days for me to get the RO served. He'll be served in the next week - Good timing. 
He sent another HORRIBLE email that said everything but the "Kill" word. It's quite obvious what he was talking about. 
More calling and texting. It should stop this week.


----------



## turnera

Thank God!


----------



## EleGirl

Sounds like you are doing the right things. Good to hear.


----------



## Readytogo

It's been 11 months since my first post - wow what a big difference.
I feel great. In control of my own life. I'ts a great feeling.

I am blessed to have such good friends and family to support me.

My mom and sister and step mom come next week for a visit and to celebrate my fathers life - 
I will be around friends and family and am so happy to be able to be myself!


----------



## Readytogo

I dont think I want a relationship with anyone for a while. Feels good to be on my own. Nothing against relationships - some people ask me when I'll date. I say "not for a very loooong time". Sounds lonely - but I cant handle drama and fear making the same mistakes -


----------



## turnera

That's the best thing you've said yet. DD22 and I were just talking about this tonight (she has two friends who can't do anything if it doesn't serve their relationship with a guy). DD has left guys who weren't healthy, because, in her words, I already knew that only I could be responsible for my own happiness. That if I have a boyfriend, that's gravy, but he won't be the decider of whether I'm happy.

Kinda sounds like you now, you know?


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> I already knew that only I could be responsible for my own happiness. That if I have a boyfriend, that's gravy, but he won't be the decider of whether I'm happy.
> 
> Kinda sounds like you now, you know?


EXACTLY!

I met up with a friend from high school this weekend. We haven't seen each other in 29 years! I went to a water park with her and her family. I rode the biggest ride-by myself. I thought to myself. This is JUST the beginning of a lot more fun ahead. 

I started my bucket list. Things to do - to make up for lost time before I get sick/old. 

Pilates and line dancing in September.

I am going to look into the junior college up the street. I could never get a degree - and now - that's on my list as well.
My husband would call me lame if I wanted to take classes or go to school. He always thought I was selfish to take money away from the kids.


----------



## turnera

Smart women take care of themselves, so they CAN help their kids.


----------



## Pluto2

You really sound like a different woman! So happy for you.


----------



## Readytogo

Pluto2 said:


> You really sound like a different woman! So happy for you.



thank you.


----------



## bunny23

I am in the same situation, no kids. I am staying with a friend... but he gets crazy still and a few of his friends have seen me driving around and I'm always scared he will find out where I'm staying.

I have been speaking with counselors regarding this, and you probably should too. You need a plan of where to go in a situation like this.

I hope you're doing okay. NONE of this is right.


----------



## bunny23

Sorry I just saw the end of this thread- happy for you!!!!!!


----------



## Readytogo

bunny23 said:


> I am in the same situation, no kids. I am staying with a friend... but he gets crazy still and a few of his friends have seen me driving around and I'm always scared he will find out where I'm staying.
> 
> I have been speaking with counselors regarding this, and you probably should too. You need a plan of where to go in a situation like this.
> 
> I hope you're doing okay. NONE of this is right.



Well hang in there and talk with family and friends and empower yourself - Keep me posted on your progress.


----------



## indiecat

Did you get your sons? Did you ever miss your h in the early days? Did you you get any anxiety or depression?


----------



## Readytogo

indiecat said:


> Did you get your sons? Did you ever miss your h in the early days? Did you you get any anxiety or depression?


My sons are older, all over 18- so they visit me. I'm hoping they will eventually move in with me. But for now they are acting like party boys. 

I have not missed my husband. I do miss the "family unit" I created. But my boys are being supportive.

I had BAD anxiety and depression about leaving. He hurt me and I felt like I didn't have the strength to leave. I had suicidal thoughts that would wake me in the middle of the night. I knew it wasn't normal, so I saw my doctor who put me on a low dose of anti-depressant. Then I was able to move forward and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I read a lot about abusive, manipulative controlling people and realized that the man I married didn't have feelings for me. He would tell me what I wanted to hear, but his actions were opposite of his words. I learned that he was manipulative. Once I knew that - it made it easier to pull my emotions out of it and deal with the truth.


----------



## Readytogo

turnera said:


> Thank God!


It's been quiet. He avoided the Restraining order - server. I had to spend a day at court getting a new court date. But he's left me alone. Got his own phone - Haven't had a message for over a week. Nice to have silence. Now I need to work on the divorce.


----------



## Readytogo

I think I need a new thread and a new Member Name. Readtogo - Gotupandleft.


----------



## TBT

So glad you're in such a better place Rtg!


----------

