# My controlling,moody, manipulative, needy mother



## WindowToMyHeart

I am an only child who is nearly 30 years old, and as much as I love my mother, I have had it with her. I cannot even talk to her anymore without wanting to explode. She is always trying to pry into my personal life, and is always complaining about everything, I have to talk to her at least once a day, and here lately, she has been calling me to "check on me", and wanting to know "what I am doing". I have had my limit. 

The thing is, I have always lived in a controlling environment. In college, I wanted to go somewhere away from home, but I was manipulated into going to the local college. I wanted to move out and live in a dorm, and get in my own apartment, but my parents got angry every chance I brought it up. They always told me that I was ungrateful, and that I wanted to do nothing but get the hell out of there to spite them. That was not the case. I just wanted to live with my friend, who needed roommate. I had it all planned out, and I had a decent paying job in college that would have helped to pay rent. Yet, they told that while I was in their house, their rules applied, and I was not to move out at all. 

They also hate my husband for some reason as well. They have hated him every since I have dated him. They make fun of his weight, and say that he's nothing but a spoiled mama's boy. He is the sweetest man alive, who treats me like a queen. I believe they are mad because he took me away from them. 

Anyway, back to my current situation. I live about 6 hours away from my parents, and we have our own house out here. My mom has been constantly telling me how much she misses me every single day. She does it in a pitiful way that makes me feel so bad. But when I do visit, before I leave, she always whines about how short the visit was, and she starts crying like a baby, trying to make me feel like crap. If I don't visit her, she will accuse my husband of not letting me see the family. My mom is crazy. She has been nothing but dependent on me. It needs to stop, now. I mean, I love and miss her as well, but it's exhausting to make a trip every month just to see her. And she always whines that it's too far for her to drive. I have had it.


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## EnjoliWoman

Now is really teh time to grow up. Your mother is being manipulative (still) and it's up to you to set good boundaries by setting limits. Don't answer your phone and call her once a week. When she whines about how little she hears from you, tell her that you called to hear the family news and if she would rather whine, she can do it to Dad.

When she critiques your husband, tell her that it's obvious they have never cared about your choices but they are yours and you refuse to hear a single negative word about him or you will hang up/leave/stop visiting.

I think you need counseling or some self-help books about dealing with overbearing mothers.

ETA - yes, it will hurt her feelings. But its' WAY beyond time to stand up to her. Yes, you didn't have a lot of choice while they were paying for your college or you would have had to rely on them. But since college, you've continued to allow this to happen and you need to put your food down NOW before you have children and when that time comes you're going to have to work HARD to continue to set those boundaries and hold firm.


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## WindowToMyHeart

You are right. I need to let go of the fear of her being mad at me. I know that as dependent as she is on me, that even if she does get mad, it won't be forever. And if it is, so be it. I have been ignoring her pleas to come home for the last week. Every time I bring up my dogs, it's always "I miss them so much. I miss you so much too". It's starting to get old, but I am ignoring her. It's getting ridiculous. 

I have been reading the Toxic Parents book, and I can identify with the verbal abuse/controlling parents section for sure. Also, I should have been more clear, but my parents don't really say negative stuff about my husband, like they did earlier in our relationship. However, when he comes to visit, they ignore him, and when they need to talk to him, they will not even try to talk to him, but they will talk to me and ask me what he wants. Because of this my husband absolutely hates my mother, and I hate to say it, I don't blame him. His own mother (my MIL) has told me various times as well that I need to stand up to her. My MIL has been more of an actual mother to me than my own mom, and my mom sees this and is super jealous of our relationship. She told me that the things she says to me makes her feel like an inadequate mother in the past. One time, she made a big deal because I was upset about not getting a job, and I posted it on a Facebook status, and she thought that I told my MIL before her. The only person that I talked to before putting up the status, was of course my husband. 

I just decided to vent away about this issue, since this is a good board to do so. Thanks for allowing me to do this.


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## frusdil

Your mother needs to pull her head in, and you need to show more respect for your husband, by not allowing your parents to be so incredibly rude and disrespectful to him.

If my parents treated my husband the way yours do, I would refuse to see them at all.

You need to stand up to her and not allow her to guilt you into things. When she starts whining and being manipulative and trying to get you to visit stand your ground and say you can't. If she continues, tell her once that you'll end the phone call if she doesn't stop and when she doesn't stop, end the call and hang up.

Yes she'll be angry but she'll get over it.


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## Bobby5000

The solution is surprisingly easy. First you need to stop worrying and feeling guilty. You wrote, "I wanted to go somewhere away from home, but I was manipulated into going to the local college. I wanted to move out and live in a dorm, and get in my own apartment, but my parents got angry every chance I brought it up."
So you made bad decisions for your life because in the short run you wanted to avoid having your mother be unhappy. Get off that train. 

Realize sometime she will be angry, depressed, etc, so stop worrying about it and DO NOT CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR TO CONFORM TO HER UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS. IT DIDN'T WORK IN COLLEGE AND IT WILL NOT WORK IN YOUR MARRIAGE. 

Once you start exercising a reasonable amount of independent, and not worry about whether your mom is happy or not happy, you can run your life and if she is a decent mother, she should ultimately be happy. 

If she starts saying things about your husband, then just calmly say mom I have to go and let her understand you will not be a sounding board for her nasty diatribes against a good husband. Go a reasonable amount to see your mother, perhaps once every 2 or 3 months, and don't apologize or worry. You need to set the limits and the only way you can do that is not to keep worrying about whether she is happy in each instance.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

I have parents like that. I got away from them when I was 22, even though they moaned and cried like I was dying. They expected me to stay home until marriage. There were some other events that showed them that I live by my own rules. 

Some parents are just very codependent and insecure, so they cling to their adult children. Sometimes this comes out as hatred or resentment for their adult children's partners.

Limit your contact with your parents. Screen their calls. Visit less. 
I see my parents once every other month. I do not let them into our home because my mother is rude and nosy. My parents complain but I need to protect myself.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My precious mother is critical and bossy. I call her everyday. She gives me advice I don't ask for. She tells me what to do and how to do it. I am 59 years old. I listen...and show her the respect she deserves....and do whatever I want the way I want.
> 
> My time with my mother is growing short. Someday...I will wish I could hear her voice on the phone or hear her opinion about something....and her voice will be silent.
> 
> I never want my children to say some of the things about me that have been said here.


Sometimes parents become critical and bossy because they are anxious about not being needed anymore. My mother desperately needs to feel needed and like her opinion matters. I think it hurts her that I do not want to be her best buddy who shares everything. I don't stay away to hurt my mother. I stay away because it is easier for me. I spent two decades being abused by that woman. No more. 

If you don't want your children to speak ill of you, just be kind and respectful to them. I know you understand that as you seem very diplomatic. However, you'd be surprised how many parents forget to treat their adult children the way they would like to be treated.

Parents do not have carte blanche to treat their children however they feel. I won't be swayed by manipulative guilt trips such as "You're going to miss your mom when she's dead." Yes, I will be sad and shed some tears but there will also be relief that I never have to speak with her again. I may sound very cold but I have reasons to feel that way.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My children love and adore me...and manipulate me every chance they get...spoiled brats! lol my kids are 38 and 35 by the way.
> 
> *I am not trying to sway you one way or the other....I could care less how you treat your mother...
> 
> I was telling my situation and how I feel.*


I'm not surprised that you have a good relationship with your adult children. :smthumbup:


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## NextTimeAround

My mother is verbally abusive. I don't forgive her for it. She has strong social circles so it's clear she knows how to treat people properly.

I've learned to be more careful in "Managing" her.

OP, at the very least an assertiveness training course could bring you some results. Usually you can find one at a junior college, community centre or some other adult learning center.

IMO, the results come cheaper and faster than therapy.


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## jld

Could you just be transparent with your mom? Just tell her just how you feel? And then listen to her and see how she feels? 

Are you familiar with active listening? Basically you repeat back to your mom what she has said, or better yet, paraphrase it. If there is something deeper, active listening may reveal it.

I agree with everyone who has told you you need boundaries. You need to know what your limits are, and stick to them.

I feel sorry for your mom. She is not healthy. Do you think she would go to counseling? She needs to find some interests, something that makes her happy independent of you.


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## Maricha75

3 1/2 years ago, my family moved from florida back to Michigan. I am so thankful that we did. When my husband, the kids and I moved to Florida, my mom was beside herself. We were always close, all of us, and to have one of her daughters and grandkids move so far away broke her heart. I called her often, but not daily. I missed my mom and dad, especially, while we were in Florida. In 2008, my husband had a breakdown and was unable to work. We had a falling out with his mother, and moved back up north, near my family.

Why did I tell all of this? I just lost my mother a few days ago and honestly, a fair amount of what was written in the OP I could have written. My mom could have appeared manipulative, according to that first post. But I would take that behavior over what we are going through now. I agree with jld. Sit down and talk to her. REALLY talk, and REALLY listen. What you are hearing when she talks may not be what she is really saying. It may be that she's trying to tell you that she is feeling her age, and she wants you to have a better relationship, before it's too late. I'm glad to have had the last 3 1/2 years with my mom... and I'm glad she had a wonderful relationship with my kids. But I wish I had more time. Seriously, sit down and talk to her.


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## NextTimeAround

jld said:


> *Could you just be transparent with your mom? Just tell her just how you feel? And then listen to her and see how she feels? *
> 
> Are you familiar with active listening? Basically you repeat back to your mom what she has said, or better yet, paraphrase it. If there is something deeper, active listening may reveal it.
> 
> I agree with everyone who has told you you need boundaries. You need to know what your limits are, and stick to them.
> 
> I feel sorry for your mom. She is not healthy. Do you think she would go to counseling? She needs to find some interests, something that makes her happy independent of you.


The OP could try doing this once. But I have tried it many times with my mother and father. With some people, it simply does not work.

The worst downside to this approach is that you have just revealed every Achilles heel that you have. And if she is manipulative enough, she will play each one whenever she feels like it. (I'm not going to say "whenever she gets a chance" because she will create the chances when she feels like it.)

Be prepared then for her to hammer away at something you feel strongly about and then say "oh, I forgot that you felt that way about it." 

My mother was even more passive aggressive, whenever I responded to one of her attacks, she would say "I'm not talking, you're the one who is talking"

Many a therapist has asked me whether I have been very clear about my feelings with my parents and I would inevitably say "yes." So much for therapists promoting open ended questions. the therapist would then stare, then blink and then move on to another topic.

My father died 2 years ago. It was a a couple of years before then that I started shutting down...."Everything's fine, Dad. How are you" and so on. Believe by the time he died, I had nothing more to say to him.


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