# Just not feeling it anymore.



## TWDead (Oct 11, 2015)

Let me start with some information about our lives. 

My wife and I almost separated last year, in November. We had a lot of issues in our marriage at the time, due to lack of time together because of kids sports, and our work schedule. 

We decided to give it another go,and things got alot better. The sex was there. We made time for each other. 

The past few months, things have been very busy. We have two boys, ages 10 & 8, and they are both in Rep hockey. Between the two, we pretty much have hockey practice every day, and games on the weekend, or throughout the week. Our daughter is 5, and us in gymnastics. 

My wife works days at a bank, and doesn't get home until between 5:30pm and 6:30pm. I work weekends at a high school, as a custodian, and Wednesday to Friday, mostly afternoons at whatever school I'm needed, sometimes I work days during the week. 

Lately, I find that I am falling out of love with my wife. I find that she is reverting back to the way she was, when we almost split. Complaining about the state of the house, getting upset if I didn't clean something. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes. 

Any time we have gone on a get away, just her and I, it has always been me who plans and books it. She mentioned to me that she wants to have a little get away, so I told her to plan something. She said it's the "man's job" to do it. 

I'm starting to lose interest in sex. If we watch a movie together, or TV, we don't cuddle. She sits in one spot, I sit in another. We don't cuddle in bed. I don't remember the last time we actually have ever cuddled in bed. 

I have social anxiety disorder. I'm fine with groups of people I know, but if we go to get togethers with people at, say, team party for hockey, even though I know these parents to talk to them at the arena, when we are at a social gathering, I feel out of place with them. A lot of them know each other through school or sports, so I don't go to team things anymore, because I just feel too awkward. And she gets mad at me about it. Her family has always been big into sports, where as I don't really come from a family of money, or social standing. 

Sorry if I'm ranting, but I just feel like I'm back to where I was before, a year ago. I feel as though I would be happier single. I feel like I just want to start from scratch, relationship wise, and all the emotions that come with it. my marriage has become too... Comfortable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would counselling help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you leave your wife and start from scratch are you going to leave that woman, too, when you settle in and things become comfortable?

Do you try to touch and cuddle your wife when you're at home together? Do you hold her hand when you're standing around at the kids practice and games? Kiss, hug, laugh, etc? How does your wife react when you show her sexual and non-sexual physical affection?

If your wife is upset that you aren't going with her, just go. So what if you feel awkward around the other parents. Suck it up and be there for your family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you spend little to no quality time together. Everything is more important than your relationship. Of course you are going to fall out of love with her, and her with you. 

Why are you two neglecting your relationship?

Have you read "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"? You two need to read them and do what they say.

Divorce is not a solution most of the time. It only causes more problems.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your marriage has become too comfortable and yet you refuse to step outside of your comfort zone in social settings. Whether you are with your wife, someone else or by yourself you will still have the same problem.

Work on your problem and then evaluate your marriage. There is no law that says a husband can't spoon his wife in bed. What are you waiting for?


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Are you willing to uproot your kids' lives all based on your feelings? This doesn't sound like a reason to divorce at all. You knew or should have known that marriage is a lifetime commitment and takes hard work, and at the first sign of unhappiness, you bail? There are people here desperately trying everything they can think of to save their marriage, but you're opting for the quick exit. How much work have you put into your spousal relationship with your wife?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

It can be annoying when your flatmate leaves messes around the house, so really you should take extra effort, especially acknowledging your own acceptance of your own mess is going to be a lot higher than your female flatmates.

If you want to have an intimate relationship, and feel like you want an intimate relationship; then you can only effectively change yourself, not the other person. Having small irritations around will disturb that.

Some people do not feel comfortable booking things for other people, they don't like the pressure or the expectation or the cost or the fear of failure....chances are if you have a modicum of social anxiety any person you relate well too has a similar issue. Expecting them to change much, without being excited to do so (very very hard for a natural introvert), is like asking you to be the VIP at a social event.

So might want to read up about passive aggressive signs (that you are showing), and how to develop in a household with two such people.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Swap your gender roles back round and start again, OP.


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## TWDead (Oct 11, 2015)

No, I would never take my kids out of their sports. They have been playing since they were 3, and they absolutely love it.


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

Life is always busy with a young family and children's extra curricular activities. You need to make time to always reconnect with your wife even when life is hectic. 
Do you go on a dates just the two of you? 
Apart from the kids sporting commitments, what else do you do as a family unit?
Do you text or talk with your wife during the day when apart?


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

TW,

The biggest priority you have is the relationship with your spouse. That priority is above your children. Always.

Your children see how you behave toward their mother. When you are affectionate with her, they see that and it makes them secure. 

I love my 5 children but I would never allow them to be part of a problem between my wife and I. I would never put their wants above my marriage. 

If you love your children, then you would love their mother. And you would show them by putting your wife first.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to sit down with your wife and talk to her about how you are feeling. 

There is nothing wrong with you having to plan all the little get aways, I do and don't mind at all. If you are feeling neglected by her , then let her know she is not able to read your mind or you hers.

Sounds like she is frustrated with the marriage too that's why you need to sit down and communicate with each other.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

TWDead said:


> my wife works days at a bank, and doesn't get home until between 5:30pm and 6:30pm. I work weekends at a high school, as a custodian, and Wednesday to Friday, mostly afternoons at whatever school I'm needed, sometimes I work days during the week.


So clearly, your wife works more hours a week than you do. If I were her, I would expect you to do more around the house too since she's the one putting in more hours.



> Lately, I find that I am falling out of love with my wife. I find that she is reverting back to the way she was, when we almost split. Complaining about the state of the house, getting upset if I didn't clean something. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes.


I'm just being honest here. I don't think there are a lot of women who would jump at the chance to date a divorced custodian with 3 kids he pays child support for, has an angry ex-wife, and who has 'anxiety issues' to the point where he's anti-social. So if you think you're going to get divorced and it's going to be a steady stream of Playboy Bunnies knocking on your door, I can assure you - it's not.

As the others have suggested, you need to stop being a sock puppet for your kids and start putting your marriage *first*. This is exactly what happens when you forget you're a man* first *and a father second.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Things are not as far gone as you think. You simply have to step out of your comfort zone. Have you ever tried initiating physical contact with your wife? She may be waiting for you to take the initiative. 

It doesn't hurt to try. The only way I see it as being negative is if she does not reciprocate or worse, stiffens up or recoils.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Bored people are often very boring. 

You are failing to lead. Your wife is uninspired by your contribution and harbors resentment. As someone else said, your roles are reversed. She's probably the higher earner. She's the one working more hours. And she comes home after all that to see what she perceives as you pulling less than half the weight. She is also stifled socially because you refuse to step out of your comfort zone. 

From my perspective it should be her that wants to sit on the other side of the room. Yet you are the one unsatisfied with things. 

What does an improvement look like to you? What would make you feel it? I think she likely doesn't feel it because she has an antisocial, un-spontaneous, part-time working, sloppy housekeeper of a husband. 

With nothing changed, your single life prospects look way worse than your current situation (at face value). 

Change your work and pull at least half your weight (financially and domestically).

Get some help to overcome your social anxiety. Counseling. 

Engage your wife and spend quality time together just you and her. 

I would love to hear her side of this. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TWDead said:


> No, I would never take my kids out of their sports. They have been playing since they were 3, and they absolutely love it.


The sports take up a lot your and your wife's time.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things (quality time)?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Stop feeding anything and it dies. It's probably not too late to turn this around, but you have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices. Your work schedules do not mesh. One of you needs to change jobs to make for more time together. It's only "too hard to do" if the prize is not worth the investment.

You should also consider some alternate arrangement for the kid's sports. It's fine for them to participate in these activities, but they should not be allowed to consume every moment of the time you could be spending together. One of you does not have to attend every single practice. There is no reason you can't partner up with other parents and alternate taking each others' kids. 

Conversely, you need to work on this social anxiety. It is further limiting the time you can spend together since it keeps you from attending social functions with her. A therapist will require a 45 minute investment a week on average. A bargain for the quality of life improvement you can gain if he/she can help you overcome the problem. 

No one is entitled to happiness. You have to make it happen.


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## TWDead (Oct 11, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So clearly, your wife works more hours a week than you do. If I were her, I would expect you to do more around the house too since she's the one putting in more hours.
> 
> I'm just being honest here. I don't think there are a lot of women who would jump at the chance to date a divorced custodian with 3 kids he pays child support for, has an angry ex-wife, and who has 'anxiety issues' to the point where he's anti-social. So if you think you're going to get divorced and it's going to be a steady stream of Playboy Bunnies knocking on your door, I can assure you - it's not.
> 
> As the others have suggested, you need to stop being a sock puppet for your kids and start putting your marriage *first*. This is exactly what happens when you forget you're a man* first *and a father second.


No, my wife and I BOTH work 40+ hours a week. My permanent posting is on the weekend, which means, I work at the same school for 16 hours a week, and then on Wed, Thurs, and Fri, I work 8 hours each day, where needed. I make $23/hour, with full benefits. I went to college for 2 years, when I was 18, (I'm 36 now), for computer technology and technician. When I finished, I wasn't able to find a suitable job in my field, so I went and worked in a factory for 13 years, which helped me pay off my student loan, buy a house, a car, etc...

I left that job a little over a year ago, because I was getting mandated every weekend, working 48+ hours a week, and getting less then 5 hours of sleep a day. I was unable to spend as much time with my family as I wanted.

My father died when I was 4, and the father figure I had growing up was psychologically abusive, causing me to become addicted to drugs and alcohol. I cleaned my self up and took a better path in my life, so when it comes to my kids, they will ALWAYS come first, as I don't want them going down the same path I did.

Back to my wife, it's not like I don't love her, because I do, which is why I am here. (My original post might not have made sense, because I was unable to sleep, and decided to release some stress.) It's not like I expect women to come pounding on my door. I'm not looking to go around and start living the bachelor life again, but what I am saying is that with what is going on in my life, it is causing me to lose the attraction I once had towards my wife.

My wife does a lot for our family, as do I, but with all that we DO do, we have very little time for each other. I try and roll over and spoon my wife, but most of the time, the pushes me away. I have talked to her about this, and she doesn't remember doing it, because she is asleep when it happens.

When it comes to the social outings, I go to the team get togethers, but I have nothing in common with these other parents, and I don't drink, so I feel very out of place and uncomfortable, which I think stems to the fact that my family never really did social things when I was younger, where her family is very well known in the sports community, and she has been friends with a lot of these parents for years. I am fine talking to a person one on one at the arenas, but in groups, I can't shake the anxiety.

I know that relationships never stay the way they were when the couples first met. That "cute couple" persona fades away in the majority of them. My wife has never been the cuddly type, where I have been. Our relationship, has never been that way, even in the beginning. I like to show affection, weather at home or in public, but if I try, it doesn't last too long, and she's pulling away.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Have you talked to her about any of this stuff?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In an earlier post I suggest two books to you. You really do need to read them and do the work they suggest.

Then, if you get her to read them and do her part of the work, good.

The major problem in your marriage is that you and your wife are letting your relationship die. The books talk about how to rebuild it.


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## TWDead (Oct 11, 2015)

No, I have not brought any of this up to her, but I think I should. 

I will look into those books as well. I read one book on marriage. 

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships By David Schnarch

It kind of helped, but not much. My first I've isn't into reading much. Myself, on the other hand, read all the time. 

The first time we almost separated, was about 5 years ago. I use to be the "yes, dear" type of husband. I would never argue. I made sure that the house was spotless when she got home, in the attempts I might get sex. Sex was on her terms. Finally. Six months before the first "almost split", she suggested that we take time apart, and I broke down. Begged her to work it out. After months of always begging for sex, and being the yes man, I finally snapped. I just got fed up, and told her, under no certain circumstances, that I'm was sick of being her chore boy. She said that marriage isnt all about sex. I agreed with her, to a point. But I told her that if she was going to keep denying my sex, that I was going to go find it somewhere else. 

That may have been a bit harsh, I know, but I was fed up. She was more interested in coming home from work and talking to her mom, then to me. 

Ever since then, I've been a whole different person in my marriage. I show affection, I still do the same amount of stuff around the house, but it's on my terms. And, to be honest, since then, she has totally backed down, and treated me more as a partner, than the hired help, if that makes sense.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TWDead said:


> No, I have not brought any of this up to her, but I think I should.
> 
> I will look into those books as well. I read one book on marriage.
> 
> ...


Yes, that does make sense. Most women like men who are strong in themselves, and stand up for themselves. Guys who have kissed my a$$ in the past, it wasn't a good thing, and I don't blame them, maybe they thought this is what I wanted.  

I'd simply tell her how you feel...maybe a nice dinner out, and discuss it calmly. Sounds like you need to have more you and her time. I heard on the radio this week, that the best marriages and the ones that are lasting these days, make time for date nights twice per month. Maybe try some of this before you decide to leave.


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## TWDead (Oct 11, 2015)

I understand completely about making the time for each other. I have posted my calendar for then month of September. The blue is my youngest sons hockey, and the red is my oldest sons hockey. That doesn't include my daughters gymnastics once a week. Wed, Thur and Fri, I work mostly afternoons, 3-11:30, and 7:30am to 4pm on the weekends.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TWDead said:


> I understand completely about making the time for each other. I have posted my calendar for then month of September. The blue is my youngest sons hockey, and the red is my oldest sons hockey. That doesn't include my daughters gymnastics once a week. Wed, Thur and Fri, I work mostly afternoons, 3-11:30, and 7:30am to 4pm on the weekends.


You've gotta MAKE time.


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## TWDead (Oct 11, 2015)

I understand. Let me run something else past people. 

We have been together since 2004. When we first started seeing each other, I had just ended a 3 year relationship, a month prior. She was at the end of a 10 year relationship. We were seeing each other while she was still with the other guy,but we never had sex. I came to her and told her I am walking away until she figures out what she wants, because I wouldn't want to be in the other guys position. She ended things with him, and we started dating. 

We have been together for 12 years, and married 8. But, we have nothing in common. I mean, absolutely nothing! Other then sports, like hockey or lacrosse, there's really nothing else. I have tattoos on my right arm, and have had them since we first met. After we started dating, I had mentioned I wanted more, but she told me she wasn't going to be with a guy who is covered in tattoos, so I gave up on that idea. She plays floor hockey, and box lacrosse, depending on the season, where as I don't. I Recently joined a gym. I enjoy playing playstation or xbox, when I had the time when everyone is sleeping. If, during the day, I decided to play a game for a bit, she gets upset, asking me why a 36 year old man is playing video games. I have always been smart with computers and electronics, because that was my output when I was younger, on how I dealt with the death of my father. 

I enjoy going to fan expo Canada, which is a comic/horror/sci-fi convention, and have asked her if she wanted to go with me every year, but she's not interested. 

She watches design and remodelling shows, like love it or list it, but I can't stand them. 

As for out of doors stuff, I like geocaching, and have asked her to come with me many of times, but again, it doesn't interest her. She said it sounds stupid. 

When I am alone, Ill go geocaching, or to the gym, but I find that I had it from her, because I'm not sure what she is going to say about it, because sometimes she gets mad, because she thinks there is other stuff I should be doing, that is more important.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Why would two people with so little in common get married? there must have been a reason, though it might not have been a very good one.

She is who she is and you are who you are. Revisit whatever it is that brought you together in the first place. Maybe you can rebuild what you once had?

Honestly, it sounds like you want to move on and are looking for people to give you permission. You don't need it. Do whatever you want. No need to waste peoples' time asking for help when what you really want is approval.


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## TWDead (Oct 11, 2015)

zookeeper said:


> Why would two people with so little in common get married? there must have been a reason, though it might not have been a very good one.
> 
> She is who she is and you are who you are. Revisit whatever it is that brought you together in the first place. Maybe you can rebuild what you once had?
> 
> Honestly, it sounds like you want to move on and are looking for people to give you permission. You don't need it. Do whatever you want. No need to waste peoples' time asking for help when what you really want is approval.


I'm not looking for approval, nor do I want to "move on", I'm looking for advice on the situation.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

TWDead said:


> I'm not looking for approval, nor do I want to "move on", I'm looking for advice on the situation.


Social Anxiety - caring too much how others perceive you.

What are you doing? Trying to look cool to these other parents. Go, say hello, idiotic weather we're having, eh? And you're back home. That anxiety will only go away the more you are around people. Like sports, socialising is something learned by practice.

Suck up your pride and go. I would tell you stop the "yes, dear" attitude but it seems you have already realised that this isn't a good mind frame for a man. I don't know what you are going to do about the children, get somebody else to take them, reduce on it, I don't know but, as other posters have said, you need to make time.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

TWDead said:


> We had a lot of issues in our marriage at the time, due to lack of time together because of kids sports, and our work schedule.


The lack of time together because of the kids sports and your work schedule is NOT the reason your marriage has issues. 



TWDead said:


> We made time for each other.


The time was always there. It's still there. If you choose to use that time together. 



TWDead said:


> Complaining about the state of the house, getting upset if I didn't clean something. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes.


Realize when she's complaining about the state of the house, she's really expressing her unhappiness and frustration with YOU. 



TWDead said:


> Any time we have gone on a get away, just her and I, it has always been me who plans and books it. She mentioned to me that she wants to have a little get away, so I told her to plan something.


BEEP! Wrong answer, you lose. What you should have said- if you care to try to fix what's broken in your marriage, is "lets sit down and do it TOGETHER". 



TWDead said:


> I have social anxiety disorder. And she gets mad at me about it.


Can you understand her frustration, being married to a guy who is afraid to be with other people? You got social anxiety disorder, so what. FIX IT.



TWDead said:


> I feel like I just want to start from scratch, relationship wise, and all the emotions that come with it.


You'll end up right back where you are now, the only difference is you'll be supporting 2 families and you'll be that much older.



TWDead said:


> my marriage has become too... Comfortable.


Your marriage is anything but comfortable. 

You really need to see a therapist who hopefully will open your eyes because you've got some serious blinders on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TWDead said:


> I understand. Let me run something else past people.
> 
> We have been together since 2004. When we first started seeing each other, I had just ended a 3 year relationship, a month prior. She was at the end of a 10 year relationship. We were seeing each other while she was still with the other guy,but we never had sex. I came to her and told her I am walking away until she figures out what she wants, because I wouldn't want to be in the other guys position. She ended things with him, and we started dating.
> 
> ...


There is nothing wrong with a couple having a lot of things that they like and even do independently. It's good for each person to keep a sense of themselves.

What does not work is for both people who not find something that they enjoy doing together. Part of the time that the two of you spend together can be for things like date-night... dinner, walks, sex, just talking, a pick nick. Keep in mind that movies do not count because you basically ignore each other during the movie. And you need to find something that you two can do together, learn together, etc.

One couple I know got into scuba diving. They took the classes together. Now they take scuba trips together. They love it. And the both have lots of independent activities as well. But they have one thing that they love to do together.

Another couple I know have gotten into gardening. They have a most incredible vegi garden and edible landscaping. It's their joint love. IT's their thing as a couple. Find something that you both like, just one thing. And the both have lots of independent activities as well. But they have one thing that they love to do together.

I am sure that if the two of you actually put some effort into it, you could find something to do together that the both of you like.

How many hours a week do you have free after your job and kid's activities?

Keep in mind that the best thing you can do for your children is to have a strong relationship with their mother. That's the foundation of their family.


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## TLP1964 (Oct 2, 2016)

Oh wow I can't believe I have just read all this. First of all, as a wife, who had a husband of 31 years all of a sudden give me a list of things I had done wrong but who had never once expressed an opinion about any of them, I feel sorry for YOUR wife.
You say you would put your children first?? Sorry but you are deluded. Unless you put your wife first AND be honest with her, then you will end up sharing kids. Probably with not enough money left over for their indulgent activities.
Your priority is to talk to your wife and then get therapy for your social problem. That is no excuse.


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## troubledinma (May 30, 2016)

I am going through this too. It feels impossible. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts, but I will share what I have learned. First is that I realized I have been passive (and sometimes aggressive) for things that weren't a big deal in the overall scheme of the universe, but in reality they were a big deal to me (e.g.,remembering my birthday, talking more about sex, many, many more things etc.) When you change your approach, it can be hard on your spouse, but you have to do it for you. You have to be clear and unapologetic. Another thing I know is that your wife is not responsible for your happiness. My wife for the most part does not contribute to my happiness either right now. Why is this? Well, I don't do a lot to make myself happy either. So searching for happiness in your spouse when you are not doing anything or enough for yourself is unfair and will result in disappointment. I am trying to make more guy friends and get out just to be by myself. My wife is overwhelmingly negative - I can't change that, but I can choose to no longer be emotionally dominated by that. I think a lot of guys get into this trap. The only way out is to work on yourself. I have two small children and all my time is work and then. I have tried to do dates with my wife, but she is usually too busy or ends up complaining about work the whole time. It's not exactly regenerative. Should I blame her? It gets us nowhere, so I am taking charge of my destiny and I am going to have fun regardless. I also know that this trope about women not being able to focus on a relationship because of housework, etc. is harmful, IMO. It makes it feel pay to play or a contractual arrangement. I think as long as you do your best, that's enough. There is ALWAYS going to be too much work. It is not an excuse to let a marriage or love languish. 

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