# Is this insane or is it me?



## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

In marriages where both partners work and make money, but one makes more than the other...how do you split finances?

My partner is insisting on charging me for trips and meals etc 50/50 despite the fact he makes double my salary. 

He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and I'll be back begging for his help.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

We both work and I make more money, but we don't nickel and dime like that. We went on vacation recently and I paid for most of it but he'll buy stuff for us.

He pays the mortgage and I pretty much pay everything else, it works out well. When we have meals out I usually pay but sometimes he'll pay, I don't care because I feel in general things are balanced.

In the end even though we keep separate finances we see everything as household money. Your husband clearly doesn't and you guys are not partners. I'd reconsider staying married to someone like that but if you must simply refuse meals and trips you can't afford. If he offers to pay draw up a small contract for everything he agrees to pay for. When he complains tell him this is how business deals are handled and if he sees you as a business partner you'll treat him like one.

Remember this if he loses his job, because when we met my husband made more than me. If he'd treated me like that I would likely not be married to him but if I was I sure as hvll wouldn't share anything with him now that I make more.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Scant few details to advise with any degree of competence. More details are necessary to understand the circumstances of this situation. Please elaborate.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

He handles all the bills now. And he complains about everything I buy. I know for a fact that I bring in FAR more than I spend. He was recently giving me a hard time about get my nails done and pedicure. I was ticked! I said I give you everything I earn and I can't even get a manicure? 

He said well then let's split money. You handle all your own stuff, but you will be 50/50. I said that's not fair! I don't make as much! He said too bad, you will learn how much you should appreciate me and what I do for you. He said he would charge me 50/50 for dinners too even though I never eat anything expensive while he eats steaks And oysters. 

So I said fine, lets spilt. I'm fine. I can handle my own. He said okay, so you will come back begging me for a loan.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I should also point out that he puts vacation plans ahead of saving for our wedding. He keeps telling me we can't afford a wedding right now. But he just bought new iPhones and car.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

solost525 said:


> in marriages where both partners work and make money, but one makes more than the other...how do you split finances?
> 
> My partner is insisting on charging me for trips and meals etc 50/50 despite the fact he makes double my salary.
> 
> He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and i'll be back begging for his help.


*you are not married?...*get your own appartment and start dating........


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You aren't even married why on earth were you turning all of your money over to him? 

By your description he is cheap, petty and selfish. He isn't a good choice for someone to date much less marry. Dump him and find someone who wants a more equitable relationship.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anyone who says this kind of stuff:



> He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and I'll be back begging for his help.





> He said okay, so you will come back begging me for a loan.


is not a good person to marry because he relishes the idea of making you beg for money, and he does not think in terms of "we" but in terms of "I, me, mine." 

He sounds like an ass. Are you sure you really want to marry this guy? I wouldn't. His way of handling conflicts is mean-spirited. I would not want to tie myself to a guy like that for a day, much less a lifetime.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Thank GOD you're not married yet. Drop this one. It will only escalate. He has a terrible definition of what a partnership means. In fact, he's probably exactly like my ex-husband and would have no idea what you were talking about if you said you wanted a partnership with him.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I have been having doubts because of this awful control. He says my insistence on knowing where the money goes shows that I have control issues. After arguing about that... He then had the nerve to ask me "how much money have you spent on me??" 

I said you have every cent I earn! He says that my questions make him think I don't trust him and that I'm just trying to prepare to leave him. He has also insisted that I am wanting to get married sooner than later because I am going to scam him or divorce him and try to get half his money. Which is nuts because I have given him everything of mine and while I make les than he does, I still do quite well!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

OMG, run, run, far away and run fast. It's not possible to be a partner with someone like that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're not married? Geez, dump this guy now. If you marry him you can't complain because you know exactly what you're getting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Three words spring to mind, OP. Run, hills and fast.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Get out now!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It would appear that you and your H have vastly differing views on finances and savings and also what you each determine to be frivolous and/or exuberant spending. You value manicures and pedicures and he favors vacations and holidays yet it seems you both value things before saving for a wedding. Do you find this troubling?

My wife and I both work and I earn approximately 110-120% more than she. However, I have never considered her "contribution" to our marriage to be in any way less than mine. She does additional things at home that I find to be of great value and truth be told, considering all things, she most likely gives more to the marriage than I do and I greatly appreciate it. We pool all of our finances together and I could not delineate hers from mine if I had to. It is all for us. She does not place a high value on manicures and pedicures and such but if she did, as long as we could work out a reasonably equitable compromise as to frequency and expense then I would not have a problem with it.

It appears your H feels that he wields control over you because of your earning inequality and that seems petty and unfitting a caring SO. Perhaps his feelings for you are more ambiguous than you realize and you should consider rethinking your impending nuptials. At the very least you two should work out what you both see as a fair and equitable financial arrangement going forward before entering into wedlock. Clarity on this subject prior to marriage would seem prudent and advisable. Good fortune to you.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

norajane said:


> Anyone who says this kind of stuff:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



get a better man .

tell him to pay you for sex service rendered ( assuming you are sleeping together )

why do you give him all your salary ????????? You are not his slave .


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I told him that I had gone to a forum like this (without disclosing which one) and asked advice. And his response is I "could give a [email protected]". He said that the only reason I got this response is because he's not there to defend his view. 

I swear this is the whole story. Is there something I'm not seeing?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Yes 

Leave now .

He's selfish n controlling


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why would you hand over all your money to someone you're not even married to?

Please go to the bank tomorrow and open an account in your name only. Deposit all future pay checks in there.

As soon as you have saved up enough for first months rent + deposit, ditch this control freak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

As Dave Ramsey would say, this isn't a financial problem, this is a relationship problem.

This is going to create a lot of future resentment, especially when this can be solved by a simple budgeting solution. 

But if his go-to solution is protect his own assets instead of compromise and cooperation to reach a satisfactory agreement...then you can probably expect him to respond as such in other ways.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

solost525 said:


> I have been having doubts because of this awful control. He says my insistence on knowing where the money goes shows that I have control issues. After arguing about that... He then had the nerve to ask me "how much money have you spent on me??"
> 
> I said you have every cent I earn! He says that my questions make him think I don't trust him and that I'm just trying to prepare to leave him. He has also insisted that I am wanting to get married sooner than later because I am going to scam him or divorce him and try to get half his money. Which is nuts because I have given him everything of mine and while I make les than he does, I still do quite well!


Run while you can, this man has all the makings of an abuser. You are not even married to him and he is already controlling you via the finances, making abusive comments, what would it be like when you are permanently tied to him? He puts himself first by buying car, etc.Yet you cannot have a manicure! He will not tell you how HE is spending the money, yet you have to be accountable to him. This is all wrong. GET OUT NOW!


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

solost525 said:


> In marriages where both partners work and make money, but one makes more than the other...how do you split finances?
> 
> My partner is insisting on charging me for trips and meals etc 50/50 despite the fact he makes double my salary.
> 
> He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and I'll be back begging for his help.


Combine finances. All thats accomplished by dividing finances and belongings is a less complicated divorce. Somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy if you ask me.

Though, your husband doesn't sound like husband material to me.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

Tonight the argument was about the fact that i wanted to go visit my child tomorrow. He said the fact that I didn't plan to tell him until today, was a sure sign I was up to no good. He said with the finances...If we split... I need to back pay all gas and hotel from visiting my child. I had told him that my 10 year was off school tomorrow because of Columbus Day and be said that wasn't true. I had my ex send the email that proves the school is off...and said he thinks it's a falsified document. I said no! It is a holiday! He said i was scamming him or up to no good. Then went on to say that the gas money and wear and tear on car (2 hours) was ridiculous and he didn't see why I needed to see my child again since I spent a weekend with him (1 week ago). He went on to blame my ex for making me feel guilty for not seeing him and said it was his master plan to kill our relationship ... Through a mother's guilt and that I constantly cave to it.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

solost525 said:


> tonight the argument was about the fact that i wanted to go visit my child tomorrow. He said the fact that i didn't plan to tell him until today, was a sure sign i was up to no good. He said with the finances...if we split... I need to back pay all gas and hotel from visiting my child. I had told him that my 10 year was off school tomorrow because of columbus day and be said that wasn't true. I had my ex send the email that proves the school is off...and said he thinks it's a falsified document. I said no! It is a holiday! He said i was scamming him or up to no good. Then went on to say that the gas money and wear and tear on car (2 hours) was ridiculous and he didn't see why i needed to see my child again since i spent a weekend with him (1 week ago). He went on to blame my ex for making me feel guilty for not seeing him and said it was his master plan to kill our relationship ... Through a mother's guilt and that i constantly cave to it.



LET NO MAN STAND BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD .

A man can be replaced . A child and a mother bond cannot be replaced .

And let no such an aszhole tell you that .

Cut loss and leave .

HE SOUNDS LIKE HE IS MANIPULATIVE , CALCULATIVE AND UNLOVING , SELFISH .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Split the bills according to the % each of you earn of you joint income.

But, that said.... you need to leave this guy.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I suggested the % split and he laughed and said this isn't "obamacare". He said he had never heard of that... And would never allow. He said there's a reason companies have CEOs and I need to trust and respect him and not question.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

solost525 said:


> I suggested the % split and he laughed and said this isn't "obamacare". He said he had never heard of that... And would never allow. He said there's a reason companies have CEOs and I need to trust and respect him and not question.


wtf

is he a ceo in real life ?

i doubt so . so he wants to play ceo with you


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So why do you stay with him?


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I have fought so hard to be with him. My family and friends (who I confined in too much) have shown so much alienation that it made me want to prove them wrong. And I have loved him so much.

When I moved he said he would take care of me. It didn't matter what I made... And he just loved me. 

But now that I made great money... He controls it and says he has mad decisions based on my salary. But it's true... We aren't married. 

He went through my web history and saw I was researching this situation And freaked.


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## Wasting away (Oct 6, 2015)

He sounds just like my ex. We were crazy in love, he adored me, spent his money on me, I alienated my friends and family to be with him. But he "didn't believe in" separate finances, so I had to give him my pay checks. I took his controlling as taking care of me, but it just got progressively worse, till he got tired of me. Btw, my money was being spent on other women. 

You should RUN, this is not love, it's possession. And if he's checking up on you, suspicious, angry, be careful.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

solost525 said:


> Tonight the argument was about the fact that i wanted to go visit my child tomorrow. He said the fact that I didn't plan to tell him until today, was a sure sign I was up to no good. He said with the finances...If we split... I need to back pay all gas and hotel from visiting my child. I had told him that my 10 year was off school tomorrow because of Columbus Day and be said that wasn't true. I had my ex send the email that proves the school is off...and said he thinks it's a falsified document. I said no! It is a holiday! He said i was scamming him or up to no good. Then went on to say that the gas money and wear and tear on car (2 hours) was ridiculous and he didn't see why I needed to see my child again since I spent a weekend with him (1 week ago). He went on to blame my ex for making me feel guilty for not seeing him and said it was his master plan to kill our relationship ... Through a mother's guilt and that I constantly cave to it.


You either leave him now or resign yourself to more of the above kind of crap (which is only the _beginning_, IMO, of the kind of abuse you can expect from him). The choice is yours and only you can make it...


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
True we do not know the whole story and are only seeing one side but the side we are seeing is atrocious. His side would have to monumentally persuasive to compensate and if you were in reality that bad he would not be with you. You need to understand that if you marry him it will get worse, not better. I would strongly suggest that you rethink your decision to marry this individual. Your family sees what you cannot, do not be blind to this or you will find yourself trapped in a horrible marriage. At least now you can get out with relative ease.

If you do attempt to leave be prepared for him to don his best Shakespearean costume and become an award winning actor in an effort to make you stay. Two words you should become very familiar with and learn about, manipulative and controlling.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

S 525 ~

I think you know deep down in your gut what you should do ........you just need to find the guts to do it. Be Strong.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

Yes this morning he woke up all bent out of shape telling me he felt that I was going to be with other men (even though I was going to be with my son). He was having anxiety attacks saying he knew I was up to something. I got mad and said STOP! He went through my phone and saw I was looking at places in another state (it was a bday trip I was planning for him) and he didn't believe me. He said I was up to no good. Then he started crying telling me how much he loved me and he couldn't believe I was leaving him. I said I am NOT! 

He said he could sense that I'm on my way out and that I need to understand that my telling him I was going to visit my son for the day (yesterday) has ruined his birthday and any secret plans I have made. He said it's not because I am going to see him but because I didn't discuss it with him at least 48 hours beforehand. 

I'm so tired.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you staying in this relationship?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

solost525 said:


> In marriages where both partners work and make money, but one makes more than the other...how do you split finances?
> 
> My partner is insisting on charging me for trips and meals etc 50/50 despite the fact he makes double my salary.
> 
> He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and I'll be back begging for his help.


*I would think that this scenario is just a tad too extreme!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

There have been so many good times and we are in love. But, it seems every night there's something new. Another problem. Another fight. I want things to go back to the way they were... And I keep thinking it is possible. That's why I stay.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

Today I am with my son. We share locations on our phone. He saw that I took my son out to see the water (via boat deck). And was wanting to know who I am with considering from him vantage via GPS that it's a private deck. It may be but we were just exploring. He immediately said that he thinks I'm with a man. And he said he is angry that his money (our money) is paying for my "galavanting"


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Honestly, you see how he is and you still stay. That is on you for choosing to live this way and choosing to stay mired in this relationship.

You give him all your paychecks for no good reason and you have NO idea where the money goes. That should have been your first clue how controlling he is. You aren't even married - it's incredible that he would even ask you to give him your paychecks, and I'm flabbergasted and appalled that you have been doing that.

Do you even have enough money for bus fare out of town? Do you have your own savings account? The first thing you need to do is stop giving him your paychecks, save some money and GET OUT.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

solost525 said:


> There have been so many good times and we are in love. But, it seems every night there's something new. Another problem. Another fight. I want things to go back to the way they were... And I keep thinking it is possible. That's why I stay.


Stop giving him your paychecks and you'll see how quick he falls out of "love" with you.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

If I do that he will charge me half on everything and I can't afford his mortgage or 1100 dollar car payment! 

Then he also says he will take gas and hotel from last year of seeing my son from my "credit" of income. I will be worse off!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525 said:


> If I do that he will charge me half on everything and I can't afford his mortgage or 1100 dollar car payment!


Why would you have to pay half of HIS car payment?

He cannot charge you squat. All he can do is accept what you give him.



solost525 said:


> Then he also says he will take gas and hotel from last year of seeing my son from my "credit" of income. I will be worse off!


You will never see the money that you are calling "my credit of income".  He is taking the money and using is as he sees fit.

You are basically a piggy bank for him.

YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO GIVE HIM YOUR PAYCHECK.

There is no relationship is the world that is worth what you are putting up with. 

Instead of going to where he lives when your visit with your son is over, drive to a family member or friends house and ask them to help you leave this abusive man.

Between your real life friends and us here we could walk you through what to do. 

Seriously.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Send him the bill for half of your dating service and tell him to GTFO.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

It's his extra car that I drive so I have to pay the Payment. 

He keeps offering (during fights) to split finances but he always intimidates me into backing off by Saying all the things he would charge me for. I moved into his home and at the time he told me I didn't even need to work. Which was a blatant lie. I see now he lives very far off his budget. 

He says he doesn't need my money but he has used it to pay a lot. And last night he offered to his son that he'd pay his college! There is nothing saved for that! When he left I asked him wtf. He told me he just lied to make sure he didn't hold back on scholling... Only he would co-sign a loan for him. 

He's about to take a 50k pay cut next month and he is not putting money in his 401k


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

There is only one thing for you to do. Get out. Now!


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

Is there anything here that is fair... In your objective opinion? 

He gets so angry with me and makes me feel as if I'm the unreasonable person! 

I want to make sure it's not just me...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Splitting money is really tricky. I know one couple that agreed to keep separate accounts and each pay an equal share. He suddenly a made a ton of money on stock options and retired. She she ends up working full time for the rest of her life and he never has to work again. 

What my wife and I do:
Combine all money into a common pool. Almost everything is paid out of that pool. We then set aside and track "fun money". Money each of us can spend on whatever we want - or save. 

This has worked well over the years. Early on I was a student and she made most of the money. Then my income overtook hers by a lot. Then he inherited a ton of money. All works.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

A guy expecting a woman to pay her own way is not intrinsically wrong; if they are upfront about it at the beginning and both parties agree to it.

But, OP, what you are describing is not really about finances. It is about control and intimidation.

Don't stay with this guy.

Do you have family who can help you to leave?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

It seems to me that HE is in need of intensive therapy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525 said:


> Is there anything here that is fair... In your objective opinion?
> 
> He gets so angry with me and makes me feel as if I'm the unreasonable person!
> 
> I want to make sure it's not just me...


In my objective opinion, there is nothing fair in your relationship.

What he is doing is establishing control at a level that is a HUGE warning sign. His anger, his drama, it's all to get you confused so that he can control you more.

He is using your income to pay off his bills. Stop giving your money to him.

And stop driving his $1,000 a month car. That's a ridiculous car payment. You could buy yourself a good car .. with your own money.

If you will not help yourself and get out of this situation, how can anyone else help you?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sorry folks, but my radar is way up on this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

Tonight he went through my medicine cabinet and counted pills. He's trying to imply I use Xanax which was prescribed to me last year. There was one missing pill...from the day I had surgery. It's just a constant battle to prove I'm not a bad person. I have never even done pot. He is just angry I don't want to hang out with his pot smoking friends.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

solost525 said:


> Tonight he went through my medicine cabinet and counted pills. He's trying to imply I use Xanax which was prescribed to me last year. There was one missing pill...from the day I had surgery. It's just a constant battle to prove I'm not a bad person. I have never even done pot. He is just angry I don't want to hang out with his pot smoking friends.


But you love him, right? If this is a good enough reason for you to stay in such an unhealthy, abusive relationship (and, _more importantly,_ subject your child to it), you really are going to have to learn to accept his crazy-making behaviour.

The choice is yours...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525 said:


> Tonight he went through my medicine cabinet and counted pills. He's trying to imply I use Xanax which was prescribed to me last year. There was one missing pill...from the day I had surgery. It's just a constant battle to prove I'm not a bad person. I have never even done pot. He is just angry I don't want to hang out with his pot smoking friends.


But you put up with it. So apparently you like being mistreated. Is that it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say you love him.

But you keep complaining about all these abusive controlling things that he does to you. So what about him do you love? A person is only as good as the worse thing that he does.

What kind of a grown man carries on crying, begging, and verbally attacking his girlfriend? A monster. That's the kind of man who does that. What you describe is down right crazy.

Yes I'm sure he knows how to control his behavior in public and so most people do not know what he's really like. But you do. What you see is the real him.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You love him....do you love you? He seems to get worse with each post. An unstable, insecure, controlling, manipulative, narcissistic drug user??? I ask again, do you love you?


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I do stay...you are right. When he says jump...I typically say "how high"? 

I am so controlled because I'm so "in it". I don't really see all of what's happening in a way that my family must. 

My sister recently said that our spouses should bring us closer to God. I believe that's true. And I can't say that is what is happening here. 

The only thing I should say that I mischaracterized is The drug use. He does not use drugs. I think he's smoked pot a few times in his life. But, my point is I have NEVER done drugs and for him to say that I might take meds is ridiculous. I am the one who won't even hang out with his friends who do smoke pot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525 said:


> I do stay...you are right. When he says jump...I typically say "how high"?
> 
> I am so controlled because I'm so "in it". I don't really see all of what's happening in a way that my family must.
> 
> ...


He's abusive.

You are so deep into the oxytocin/dopamine high of being in-love that you only see it when it's to the point of you exploding. Then you hide your head in the sand again.

Then add to it that you do not want to have to tell your family and friends that they were right.. he's a controlling ass.

Please find a place that provides counseling for victims of abuse. You need help.

You need to leave this guy. Why not get the things that you absolutely need.. and leave when he's not at home. Go stay somewhere like with family or friends until you can find your own place.

You can get a police escort to be there with you when you get your things. They can remove him from the house so you do not even need to see him. And therefore he cannot play his games?????

Seriously, you are professional woman. You are educated. What are you doing in this mess?


.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

solost525 said:


> My sister recently said that our spouses should bring us closer to God. I believe that's true. And I can't say that is what is happening here.
> 
> .


Solost, 

He's not going to marry you (and you're quite lucky about that). His behavior doesn't reflect any sort of loving feelings. Everyone is basically saying the same thing.

Whose house do you live in? His or yours? Rented? Purchased? Why not take a small first step (or two) and 1) open a separate bank account and put all of your money into it as someone else said and 2) move out or at least go stay with someone else temporarily. Cut all financial ties. 

Do you get along on a friendly basis with your ex? Can you not move closer to your child and therefore see him more often?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

solost525 said:


> *My sister recently said that our spouses should bring us closer to God.* I believe that's true. And I can't say that is what is happening here.


Not if he / she behaves like the devil incarnate. >


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This is not about love or money - this is about control. He can control you with the car and the bills and GPS. He says you are controlling but you are tracking his location and he won't even LET you see bills and banking accounts.

Go buy a car on your own and go to the bank and ask for a mini statement. Then debut half that amount and stop and direct deposit. You don't need an $1100 car. Go to CarMax - get one for $300 a month instead!

Your son and time with him is more important. This control over money is financial abuse and his control over your whereabouts is emotional abuse. See how often the word "Control" is being referenced by all of us? Control is not love. He doesn't love you - he loves that he can control you. This will turn physical - it will escalate. Please take control of your own future NOW.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP's husband gets worse and worse with each post...


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

What's interesting is that he go in waves. Last night and today...he's been very calm. No problems (for most part). 

However, I haven't asked for anything or really done anything...

I confided in a girlfriend today and she doesn't know all...but she told me he is probably just very stressed about his possible job loss or salary cut and is taking it out on me. 

She seemed to just think it was something that I should just let blow over...

That's hard...because I don't think it's just going to mysteriously go away. And if he does lose his job??????


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is why women do so well in a divorce. My big name Chicago divorce lawyer told me that the courts will make it so you are earning equal amounts. Let's say for example he makes 100K and your make 25. The courts will make it so you both are at 62.5K so you pay nothing and he pays you 37.5K. If you have kids you get an addtional 30% so now you're up to 67.5K or about 70% of his income. They told me not to get a divorce and they would not represent me because I would not be able to live on what was left. That's why I'm still with her, otherwise I would have been divorced 20 years ago. You can can this bull**** all you want, but those are the number they gave me.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I hope that you aren't implying that I would take him for his money? Do you feel his actions are justified to protect his finances?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> This is why women do so well in a divorce. My big name Chicago divorce lawyer told me that the courts will make it so you are earning equal amounts. Let's say for example he makes 100K and your make 25. The courts will make it so you both are at 62.5K so you pay nothing and he pays you 37.5K. If you have kids you get an addtional 30% so now you're up to 67.5K or about 70% of his income. They told me not to get a divorce and they would not represent me because I would not be able to live on what was left. That's why I'm still with her, otherwise I would have been divorced 20 years ago. You can can this bull**** all you want, but those are the number they gave me.


What does this have to do with the OP's topic? She's not even married. And her boyfriend take all her money controls every penny. 

That's funny... when I got a divorce he was making more than double what I made. I got zero. That's even after me putting him through medical school and residency.

Alimony is awarded in only about 15% of all divorces. Many states do not have it or it's only after decades of marriage and the lower earning spouse is too old to support themselves.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525 said:


> I hope that you aren't implying that I would take him for his money? Do you feel his actions are justified to protect his finances?


You are not even married. It's not relevant.

Plus... how is him stealing your money him protecting his finances?

You are looking so hard to find ways to excuse his abusive behavior.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

solost525 said:


> What's interesting is that he go in waves. Last night and today...he's been very calm. No problems (for most part).
> 
> However, I haven't asked for anything or really done anything...


Na, it’s not interesting at all the he goes in waves. That’s part of the cycle of abuse. If he was horrible every moment of every day, you would have left him a long time ago. Abusers now this. So they meter out the abuse in a cycle. 

Step 1. He’s nice for a while. 

Step 2. Then the tention builds. 

Step 3. Then he blows up. 

Step 4 Then there is a cooling off period. 

Now go back to step 1 and start the cycle all over again.

Here are some links that talk about the cycle of abuse. The first one also shows the cycle of the victim…. That’s you. 

https://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.html

Cycle of violence




solost525 said:


> I confided in a girlfriend today and she doesn't know all...but she told me he is probably just very stressed about his possible job loss or salary cut and is taking it out on me.
> 
> She seemed to just think it was something that I should just let blow over...


So you tell your friend just enough but not the real story. So she gets the wrong impression. And now you are asking if the impression she got from your purposely giving her the wrong info is correct????????? 



solost525 said:


> That's hard...because I don't think it's just going to mysteriously go away. And if he does lose his job??????


Of course it’s not going to go away. He’s been like this the entire time you’ve known him. It just gets worse as time goes on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

solost525 said:


> Yes this morning he woke up all bent out of shape telling me he felt that I was going to be with other men (even though I was going to be with my son). He was having anxiety attacks saying he knew I was up to something. I got mad and said STOP! He went through my phone and saw I was looking at places in another state (it was a bday trip I was planning for him) and he didn't believe me. He said I was up to no good. Then he started crying telling me how much he loved me and he couldn't believe I was leaving him. I said I am NOT!
> 
> He said he could sense that I'm on my way out and that I need to understand that my telling him I was going to visit my son for the day (yesterday) has ruined his birthday and any secret plans I have made. He said it's not because I am going to see him but because I didn't discuss it with him at least 48 hours beforehand.
> 
> I'm so tired.


As I said before, all the signs of an abuser

Jealousy,
controlling, finances, your relationship with son, where you go, 
isolation from family/friends, your son
hypersensitivity
verbal abuse
broken promises
manipulation
blaming you for his moodiness/crying

This is not going to get any better, leave NOW, while you can.
You gave up everything for him, I get that, but it will only get worse, you cannot live like this and you will eventually allow more and more and your level of tolerance will go up and up and you will be miserable. LEAVE!


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Life is hard enough without a partner like this.
In my opinion, a man who isn't financially committed has plans to leave when it is convenient for him.
I see no reason why you should stay.
It won't last.
Save yourself a lot of heart ache.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

That cycle of abuse you posted...is very correct. 

It seems he is constantly looking for problems to build the tension. 

Last night, he wanted to see my phone web history. He said he thought I was "talking to someone..."

Because this site was on there, I didn't show him. Then, I told him I had to go visit my son tomorrow. He got upset (again). He said that if I really loved him ...I wouldn't be "taking off" to go see anyone... I'd stay with him. 

I told him I needed to work, too. He said that I can control when my meetings are and he believes I am purposely planning them at times he can't come. (He likes to go to my work meetings and drop me at the door...he doesn't like when I go places alone).


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

solost525 said:


> That cycle of abuse you posted...is very correct.
> 
> It seems he is constantly looking for problems to build the tension.
> 
> ...


This just keeps getting worse & worse. You can't go to a work meeting alone? That's another way he is controlling you - he has to know exactly where you are at all times & doesn't want you to go anywhere without him even to see your son (if you loved him). If HE LOVED YOU he would support your relationship with your son & your career, not trying to cut you off from anything outside of him. 

You are not married to this man-child, get out before it's too late. He doesn't know the meaning of love & you will spend the rest of your days with him trying to prove that you love him in ridiculous ways.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dayum, don't think I've ever heard of a person paying to be enslaved.

Your boyfriend can't do diddly about any monies he thinks you might owe if you leave. You can't either, btw.

1. Open account
2. Deposit paycheck into new account
3. Leave when you can afford to
4. Don't worry about family, friends or acquaintances who you're cutting off your nose to spite - everyone loves to hear that they were right.


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## solost525 (Oct 7, 2015)

I went to a birthday dinner tonight for him and it was difficult. His family and friends were there and I can see they adore him. I wanted to tell them all what he is really like... They see him as such a hero. 

I know during past fights he has said bad things about me... So they see me negatively... Just as my family thinks he's the devil. 

I just have to remember narcassists do whatever they can to dazzle their crowd. It's hard though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, you could record him when he's in one of his moods. Then if anyone says anything, you can let them hear what he's really like.

Or you could just leave him. 

I don't get why you want to live like this. But it's your life.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

solost525 said:


> In marriages where both partners work and make money, but one makes more than the other...how do you split finances?
> 
> My partner is insisting on charging me for trips and meals etc 50/50 despite the fact he makes double my salary.
> 
> He says if we split finances that's how it has to be done, because he says he wants me to realize how much he gives me and I'll be back begging for his help.


Simple answer - we don't split finances. All our earnings go into a joint pot except for keeping a smallish amount of cash individually for activities we do on our own, presents etc. 

Thats not the important bit though. The important bit is that we discuss any significant expenditure, regardless of which pot it comes from. The individual 'play' accounts just allow us to keep an eye on how much we're both spending. I tend to spend a bit more than my wife, because i socialise more. But she tends to spend more on the house and stuff for the baby. 

We have had zero problems in this aspect of our marriage.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Suppose it depends on what you want.

do you want to support him freeloading? do you think you should be entitled to get some freeloading going on?

Personally, after several tough relationships; one with a spouse that spent everything, and loaded up the relationship and house with as much debt as her banking employer would let her. 
Separate accounts. A separate account for bills. solid budget, with reasonable labor allowances&expectations and clear division of routine responsibilities&expectations. It will help with your relationship finances such as investing and property to have such things sorted in advance. You'll also find out who is supposed to cook - is it you all the time? what about the washing and vacuuming? Any take out in lieu of cooking must come from that persons own savings, and be for the family, if it's their responsibility night - keep flexibility for hobby nights or visiting others.

If that sounds too hard, or harsh then do you really think a _lifetime_ commitment is going to be easier?

And discuss what is going to happen in case of babies (including unexpected ones!), job loss, major illness.

Far better to have expectations of chores and bills worked out way in advance. And also I'd keep away from 1 pays bills and other does the savings and holidays - such things can go badly very very fast if the relationship has problems, or financial problem occurs (eg identity theft or investment losses).

and just because he (or you) gets more is no reason for them to pay more for basics.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

optimalprimus said:


> Simple answer - we don't split finances. All our earnings go into a joint pot except for keeping a smallish amount of cash individually for activities we do on our own, presents etc.
> 
> Thats not the important bit though. The important bit is that we discuss any significant expenditure, regardless of which pot it comes from. The individual 'play' accounts just allow us to keep an eye on how much we're both spending. I tend to spend a bit more than my wife, because i socialise more. But she tends to spend more on the house and stuff for the baby.
> 
> We have had zero problems in this aspect of our marriage.


Sorry i should have read the thread. This is not about money it is about serious emotional abuse. For your own sake please leave this abusive man. Love and abuse can't reside together.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So at the end of the day what's gong to happen? Are you going to continue to put up with it and just b!tch about it or get rid of him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What does this have to do with the OP's topic? She's not even married. And her boyfriend take all her money controls every penny.
> 
> That's funny... when I got a divorce he was making more than double what I made. I got zero. That's even after me putting him through medical school and residency.
> 
> Alimony is awarded in only about 15% of all divorces. Many states do not have it or it's only after decades of marriage and the lower earning spouse is too old to support themselves.


The OP WAS asking for information as to what happens in marriages and that's what I gave. 

Sorry that you had the experience that you did but I'm kinda miffed I can't get out of my marriage without losing everything. There's countless stories out there of men losing everything in divorces and one of my best friends went through a divorce and lost everything to. 

I don't know what your H did to avoid giving you much more but every time I go to a lawyer to try to work on getting a divorce, the answer is the same, that I would owe both alimony and child support even though our youngest is 19 and the amount owed would be about 70%. This was true in all four states that we have lived in. I don't know what more I can say. I wish it wasn't true, that it works the way you say it does, that I could walk into a lawyer's office, go to court, get a divorce and owe nothing but that's not the way it works for men. If that's the case I've lived through absolute hell for 20 years without needing to.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

This thread makes me sad; I'm afraid the OP will marry the bum and live in misery forever.

OP, your family isn't wrong. Just accept that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The OP is banned for multiple accounts....


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