# Marriage fell apart after having severe PPD...



## Mum1 (Jan 22, 2021)

I would love to know if anyone has any advice or has dealt with anything similar. Here goes my story; 
I had severe ppd (postpartum depression) after the birth of our son & in hindsight probably prenatal depression. It went undiagnosed for over a year, & then I finally got the help I needed. During this time my relationship completely fell apart. Granted I had a challenging pregnancy and the first year of our sons life was very difficult for me... I had several “female” related issues which really impacted our sex life aka killed it. 
My husband started to pull away, wanted a lot of alone time. We became distant and he started being verbally cruel (which is the complete opposite of him) I was 6 months into a long journey to getting my life back and I knew something was up with him and I thought he was cheating or at least speaking to someone else. A couple of months went by where we were at odds. I was starting to get to a more “normal” state and my husband/ partnership was gone. I eventually “caught” him speaking to other women which then snowballed into a confession for emotional cheating and challenges with alcohol. Some extremely hurtful things were exposed that made me question who the heck I married. The whirlwind started at that point, within a few months we sold our home, I moved in with my parents, we got legally separated. We have been separated for 5 months now, he sees our toddler son every second weekend. It’s heartbreaking. I genuinely miss him as a person, I loved spending time with him when I was healthy and tried my absolute best when I wasn’t. I feel the PPD and everything that transpired over the last 2 years was way too much for him and inevitably lead to this. I don’t blame him - I get it, it was friggen awful. I want my family back, I want to start over, I want to individually heal from the broken trust & work together to heal as a couple. I tread lightly when I communicate anything about us as a couple. He hasn’t said whether he wants a divorce or not and wants to be a team and coparents.... I’m still processing, I’m not at a point where I can jump into being bffs. From what he does communicate I feel he’s working through a lot himself and genuinely doesn’t know if he can try again as a couple. Has anyone had a similar story or dealt with the breakdown of a relationship after PPD? Any feedback is appreciated.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mum1 said:


> I would love to know if anyone has any advice or has dealt with anything similar. Here goes my story;
> I had severe ppd (postpartum depression) after the birth of our son & in hindsight probably prenatal depression. It went undiagnosed for over a year, & then I finally got the help I needed. During this time my relationship completely fell apart. Granted I had a challenging pregnancy and the first year of our sons life was very difficult for me... I had several “female” related issues which really impacted our sex life aka killed it.
> My husband started to pull away, wanted a lot of alone time. We became distant and he started being verbally cruel (which is the complete opposite of him) I was 6 months into a long journey to getting my life back and I knew something was up with him and I thought he was cheating or at least speaking to someone else. A couple of months went by where we were at odds. I was starting to get to a more “normal” state and my husband/ partnership was gone. I eventually “caught” him speaking to other women which then snowballed into a confession for emotional cheating and challenges with alcohol. Some extremely hurtful things were exposed that made me question who the heck I married. The whirlwind started at that point, within a few months we sold our home, I moved in with my parents, we got legally separated. We have been separated for 5 months now, he sees our toddler son every second weekend. It’s heartbreaking. I genuinely miss him as a person, I loved spending time with him when I was healthy and tried my absolute best when I wasn’t. I feel the PPD and everything that transpired over the last 2 years was way too much for him and inevitably lead to this. I don’t blame him - I get it, it was friggen awful. I want my family back, I want to start over, I want to individually heal from the broken trust & work together to heal as a couple. I tread lightly when I communicate anything about us as a couple. He hasn’t said whether he wants a divorce or not and wants to be a team and coparents.... I’m still processing, I’m not at a point where I can jump into being bffs. From what he does communicate I feel he’s working through a lot himself and genuinely doesn’t know if he can try again as a couple. Has anyone had a similar story or dealt with the breakdown of a relationship after PPD? Any feedback is appreciated.


I'm sorry this happened to you -

I don't know he doesn't sound so great. You don't just abandon the mother of your children because she is struggling. Particularly when you have young kids. I mean were you mean to him or did you just turn him down. I mean it's six months not 2 years. Besides you have a new kid, his kid, shouldn't he be active and excited about that?

Sounds like to me he would have left you eventually, unfortunately.


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## Mum1 (Jan 22, 2021)

sokillme said:


> I'm sorry this happened to you -
> 
> I don't know he doesn't sound so great. You don't just abandon the mother of your children because she is struggling. Particularly when you have young kids. I mean were you mean to him or did you just turn him down. I mean it's six months not 2 years. Besides you have a new kid, his kid, shouldn't he be active and excited about that?
> 
> Sounds like to me he would have left you eventually, unfortunately.


I’m definitely struggling with the abandonment. Pregnancy and the PPD were the most difficult things I have ever been through and I never could have imagined him leaving me over it. I wasn’t mean to him but I was definitely withdrawn. When I started getting a bit more of my “normal” back I was trying, trying to spend time with him, trying to do things we used to enjoy together, trying to spark back up a sexual relationship and it all fell flat like I was too little too late.
I feel stuck, do I move on and get a divorce when the year is up or wait to see if we can work on things. I’m not dating or seeking any emotional relationship with anyone. I feel if I decide to move on; thats it, I won’t ever come back to this and I’m not ready to just give up.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Have you asked him to do marriage counseling? A MC can help you both sort through what you want and how to move forward. Either with each other, or without.


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## Mum1 (Jan 22, 2021)

blahfridge said:


> Have you asked him to do marriage counseling? A MC can help you both sort through what you want and how to move forward. Either with each other, or without.


I haven’t. We did discuss counselling to communicate better as coparents if we felt we weren’t being successful but communication isn’t a problem at this point. We both have our sons best interest and are working together. 
Maybe I should ask him, my hesitation is rejection. Idk if I could handle much more in that dept.
(We were both in therapy separately, I am not sure if he is speaking with his therapist anymore)
Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mum1 said:


> I’m definitely struggling with the abandonment. Pregnancy and the PPD were the most difficult things I have ever been through and I never could have imagined him leaving me over it. I wasn’t mean to him but I was definitely withdrawn. When I started getting a bit more of my “normal” back I was trying, trying to spend time with him, trying to do things we used to enjoy together, trying to spark back up a sexual relationship and it all fell flat like I was too little too late.
> I feel stuck, do I move on and get a divorce when the year is up or wait to see if we can work on things. I’m not dating or seeking any emotional relationship with anyone. I feel if I decide to move on; thats it, I won’t ever come back to this and I’m not ready to just give up.


I'm sorry you are his pregnant wife, growing his child. You should have been his delight, withdrawn or not. He should have been grateful. There are better men out there then this guy.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

When my first child was born (this was 12 years ago) my wife had really bad PPD and plenty of issues from tearing during delivery, so between feeling touched out, the PPD, and the pain, sex was off the table for like a year. We were totally miserable. She wanted nothing to do with me, didn't even want to cuddle or hug let alone sex, and I felt rejected and didn't know what was going on. There is only so much rejection a guy can take before it turns to resentment. We hated each other, fought all the time, and I felt like I was only with her because I was stuck. And yeah, I did spend too much time talking to someone else and that sort of thing. It did get better, we're still married and we just had our 4th baby last month (though it has been anything but a fairytale). 

The point is, it can get better... if you BOTH want it to. 

I think you should bring up marriage counseling. I know you're scared of rejection but you have to take a chance here or you will regret not doing it. Sure, what if he says no. But, what if he says yes?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

However, something you need to prepare yourself for is that he's still involved with one (or more) of those other women and that it's gone physical (or did before). Cheaters lie, all of them. Having moved out and only seeing his son every other weekend doesn't look great.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sorry but I'm coming from a position of sympathy for him. First, you didn't want him to be faithful, but monastic, not exclusive relations with your wife, but with nobody. Then he had to deal with issues he could not address or help solve. 

So say what you wrote, "I want my family back, I want to start over," Explain you will have relations, and that you're sorry he was turned down and you feel better. Suggest you try things over and start the process of healing and return to normal. If and when you had some success, then perhaps you discuss how he could have done a better job of helping to address these things. Men are problem solvers are try to be, and there are few things more frustrating than having someone express depression but resist any attempts to address it, and then apparently let to his anger and other things. 

I wish you well, hopefully the time for reconciliation is not past, but owning your responsibility as I think you have done and showing him it will not happen again are important parts to going forward. 

.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

"In sickness and in health"
I don't know whether you made these vows to each other. 

You didn't reject him on purpose, you were severly depressed, and also had female issues. 
He became just as much a victim of the circumstances, but chose to deal with it in a very damaging way. And that was a choice on his part.
Pregnancy and childbirth are the point at which a wife needs her husband and his protection, advice, caring and leadership the most.
Did he work with you to get you treatment for your PPD? Or did he leave you floundering? 
You say that it went undiagnosed for a year, which is rather worrying that nobody saw this in you.

Why is he only seeing his child every 2nd weekend? Does he dote on his child? Would he make a great father? 

If you did get back together, would you be able to rely on him in a time of crisis or another long term illness?

Yes it was a big strain on the relationship and it would definitely affect it. 
Your relationship has been tested and the results are now in.
You know the score.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

You both have my sympathy here. You were a new mum coping with undiagnosed PPD with no proper professional support. He was also coping in exactly the same situation trying to cope with your behaviour without any support. Both you all the while having an infant to care for. ****ty choices are often made in such situations.

However, given what has transpired working towards being good co-parents is probably the best course of action now.


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## Mum1 (Jan 22, 2021)

sokillme said:


> I'm sorry you are his pregnant wife, growing his child. You should have been his delight, withdrawn or not. He should have been grateful. There are better men out there then this guy.


Thank you, it’s always easier to give friends advice than take it yourself sometimes. I appreciate your response


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## Mum1 (Jan 22, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> "In sickness and in health"
> I don't know whether you made these vows to each other.
> 
> You didn't reject him on purpose, you were severly depressed, and also had female issues.
> ...


The medical support for PPD took a while, I lived 4 hours from my family doctor at the time in a small under serviced community. The doctor I went to in the community said I didn’t want to kill my kid I was fine. I struggled the entire year and I knew something was wrong and sought more help and got the same response, finally when I was able to see my family doctor again she was disheartened no doctor was on top of this and it was in her words “text book”. 
Anyways after that point I got a lot of help and support. My husband didn’t believe I had ppd and rejected the entire thing. I asked him to get counselling because I couldn’t imagine this from his side and he didn’t want to. 
And when the “I caught him” happened, I was on a better track and now he was withdrawn, which I appreciated would happen but I didn’t think that extent. 
I wanted love and support the entire time I was sick just as much as he wanted love and support. I don’t want to be condemned for being ill and not being able to give it. 

We live 2 hours away from one another and I have primary custody. He only asked for every second weekend. Outside of that he is a wonderful father and always has been. Very engaged and adores our soon. I ensure everyday they FaceTime etc. 

& I don’t know. I know we would have a lot of repair to make in the trust area. I empathize with his side, and I want to be there to help us both get through this as a family. I just don’t know if I’m being an idiot or not. 

I need to pick a lane I think, but it’s so much more complicated in my brain.


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## Mum1 (Jan 22, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> You both have my sympathy here. You were a new mum coping with undiagnosed PPD with no proper professional support. He was also coping in exactly the same situation trying to cope with your behaviour without any support. Both you all the while having an infant to care for. ****ty choices are often made in such situations.
> 
> However, given what has transpired working towards being good co-parents is probably the best course of action now.


Thanks, maybe that should really be my focus right now.


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