# Help me sort through feelings...



## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

My wife planned a Memorial Weekend trip to her parent's house for she and I and her two children. She has her children full time and I have my children 50% of the time (week on, week off). The trip wasn't planned with my children in mind because they are with their mother this weekend. However, my daughter asked her mother if she could go with me and her mother said she could if it was OK with me. I asked my wife what she thought about my daughter going, and she is very much against it, saying she planned this trip for just the four of us and that my daughter will get in the way of her kids spending time with their grandparents. She said I need to understand that sometimes there are things that she wants to do with just her kids, and that it is ok that we do things with one set of children and not the other.

She was getting very upset so I told her that I understand how she feels and will respect her wishes, and will let my daughter know that she cannot go due to us not being able to change our hotel arrangements and other plans last minute (I don't believe this - I think we can be flexible and make it work, but I don't know what else to tell my daughter).

The problem is I can't help but feel hurt that my wife doesn't want my daughter coming along. If the situation was reversed, I'd have no problem including any of her children (or both) at the last minute because I know her time with them is very important. In fact, this has happened a few times.

I have my children 50% of the time and fight for any additional time I can, especially when they choose to spend more time with me. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do about the situation?


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

I don't think you're wrong to feel that way. I don't have a blended family but I would think for your marriage to be successful both of you need to love each other's kids as much as your own. For me personally I would be devestated by that response.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No, you are not wrong to feel this way. What would your wife do if your kids were with you all of the time like hers are??

Do you ever make family plans that exclude her kids?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The more I think about this... I believe this might make me bow out of the trip with wife's kids to wife's parents house, if my child were told not to come! You are being told your child isn't part of her family...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

breathedeep said:


> My wife planned a Memorial Weekend trip to her parent's house for she and I and her two children. She has her children full time and I have my children 50% of the time (week on, week off). The trip wasn't planned with my children in mind because they are with their mother this weekend. However, my daughter asked her mother if she could go with me and her mother said she could if it was OK with me. I asked my wife what she thought about my daughter going, and she is very much against it, saying she planned this trip for just the four of us and that my daughter will get in the way of her kids spending time with their grandparents. She said I need to understand that sometimes there are things that she wants to do with just her kids, and that it is ok that we do things with one set of children and not the other.
> 
> She was getting very upset so I told her that I understand how she feels and will respect her wishes, and will let my daughter know that she cannot go due to us not being able to change our hotel arrangements and other plans last minute (I don't believe this - I think we can be flexible and make it work, but I don't know what else to tell my daughter).
> 
> ...


So, how will your "wife" feel when you start to cut her children out of events?

Oh, yeah. Of course! THat'd be different! How dare you be cruel to her little angels?

This will not progress well.

In the meanwhile, maybe you need to remember a very important subsequent invitation to an event for you to attend?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Livvie said:


> The more I think about this... I believe this might make me bow out of the trip with wife's kids to wife's parents house, if my child were told not to come! You are being told your child isn't part of her family...


Completely agree. No way would I exclude my child. You are a married FAMILY. Perhaps it would be different if you were dating. But ALL of you are a family now. She doesn't get to pick and choose family members.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

BvllSh!t!! What a load of bvllsh1t.... your wife sounds extremely selfish...

How old is your daughter? A blended family should work together to feel everyone included and loved.
I would be pissed and bring my daughter along.... that is total BS


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What you should do is bow out of this trip, have your daughter come over and plan something nice with her.

This will hopefully make your wife see some sense and be less selfish and also give you time with your daughter.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

No way would I go on that trip. I would stay home with my daughter, or go on a separate trip with her.

But that's just me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

No you aren't wrong your daughter should be able to go with you but you aren't going to get your wife to admit that. She will always choose her children over yours. You would do the same, that's why "blended families" are rarely blended and they have higher divorce rate. If you do take some members advice and not go on the trip with your wife and her children I have a feeling a big argument will be the result. I say go on the trip without your daughter but later on take a trip with your two children alone without her and her children.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

She and her kids could spend time with the grandparents while you and your daughter do other things.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me I would have no problem sitting the wife down and point blank asking her how she would feel if you did the same thing to her kids. Ask her how she would like it and how she would feel that you wouldn't include her kids. 

Then I would let her know that when she married you, the kids you have were part of the package even though they live with their mother and now that she made that comment, your not sure whether you kid would feel welcome even if your wife apologized. If she gets pissed then let her. Remember your blood courses through your daughters veins and nothing is more important in your life then your children.

You got a lousy situation here friend and your wife made it worse with her selfishness and lack of thinking so if it was me, I would plan a weekend with your kid and let your wife carry her own burden and let her figure out a way to remove her foot from her mouth.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Livvie said:


> No, you are not wrong to feel this way. What would your wife do if your kids were with you all of the time like hers are??
> 
> Do you ever make family plans that exclude her kids?


She said she married me when I didn't have them full time and she wouldn't be able to deal with it if my kids were with me all the time.

And no, we NEVER make plans that exclude her kids. I wouldn't think of it, and she wouldn't allow it.



ne9907 said:


> BvllSh!t!! What a load of bvllsh1t.... your wife sounds extremely selfish...
> 
> How old is your daughter? A blended family should work together to feel everyone included and loved.
> I would be pissed and bring my daughter along.... that is total BS


She can be very selfish.

My daughter is 11.



Happilymarried25 said:


> NIf you do take some members advice and not go on the trip with your wife and her children I have a feeling a big argument will be the result. I say go on the trip without your daughter but later on take a trip with your two children alone without her and her children.


If I don't go, a big argument will ensue for sure.



Pam said:


> She and her kids could spend time with the grandparents while you and your daughter do other things.


Great suggestion and I would be open to this, but she would never.

I don't know if it makes any difference, but her parents live 600 miles away and they only see them once every year or two.

On our way home tonight I had to tell my daughter that she couldn't go. She didn't understand why. Broke my heart. Now I have to decide if I'm going on the trip.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Don't go. Geez. Why would you put a spouse before your child? Especially when that child is a minor.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

breathedeep said:


> She said she married me when I didn't have them full time and she wouldn't be able to deal with it if my kids were with me all the time.


But your daughter is only with you 50% of the time, if I understood correctly. It is your time to have her, and it coincides with the trip.




breathedeep said:


> If I don't go, a big argument will ensue for sure.


If you state your case, and wife disagrees, and gets ugly, it is on her. Don't keep quiet about your feelings and opinions out of fear of your wife's anger. Conflict avoiding on important issues will only lead to larger and more insidious communication and emotional issues later on.





breathedeep said:


> Great suggestion and I would be open to this, but she would never.


You can't control her. You can only control yourself, and she can adapt or not. Her choice.



breathedeep said:


> On our way home tonight I had to tell my daughter that she couldn't go. She didn't understand why. Broke my heart. Now I have to decide if I'm going on the trip.


If you go, your wife will know that she can bully you and your daughter, and that you will take it. You have to stand by what is right...and not go now.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

breathedeep said:


> She said she married me when I didn't have them full time and she wouldn't be able to deal with it if my kids were with me all the time.
> 
> And no, we NEVER make plans that exclude her kids. I wouldn't think of it, and she wouldn't allow it.
> 
> ...


I would skip the weekend with her parents and do a special 'daddy and daughter' trip instead.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I hve been part of a step family situation for 27 years. your wife's wishes are not acceptable. This causes tension and hurt feelings.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

So now your daughter is heartbroken. She's only 11 and can't possibly make sense of why her dad would ditch her. Sorry if this is blunt, but you seem more concerned that a "big argument will ensue" with your wife if you don't go instead of being concerned that your daughter feels like a second-rate family member. And you lied to her to boot! A flat-out lie about not being able to change the hotel arrangements? Come on, you can do better than this.

Not only would I not go on that trip, I would seriously be questioning whether I wanted to stay in a marriage which such a selfish person who could treat my child so shabbily...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> If you go, your wife will know that she can bully you and your daughter, and that you will take it. You have to stand by what is right...and not go now.


You are right. Thank you. I'll let everyone know how she takes it. I have a feeling when I tell her I'm not going, she will call off the entire trip.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> So now your daughter is heartbroken. She's only 11 and can't possibly make sense of why her dad would ditch her. Sorry if this is blunt, but you seem more concerned that a "big argument will ensue" with your wife if you don't go instead of being concerned that your daughter feels like a second-rate family member. And you lied to her to boot! A flat-out lie about not being able to change the hotel arrangements? Come on, you can do better than this.
> 
> Not only would I not go on that trip, I would seriously be questioning whether I wanted to stay in a marriage which such a selfish person who could treat my child so shabbily...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm ok with blunt, especially when I need it.

I'm not ditching my daughter; she and I have been wanting to go to the aquarium, so I think this is the perfect opportunity to do just that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

breathedeep said:


> You are right. Thank you. I'll let everyone know how she takes it. I have a feeling when I tell her I'm not going, she will call off the entire trip.


Well, that's too bad. I was hoping you and your daughter could enjoy the weekend together.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

breathedeep said:


> You are right. Thank you. I'll let everyone know how she takes it. I have a feeling when I tell her I'm not going, she will call off the entire trip.


Let her and don't get sucked in to any guilt or manipulation by her. One of my sisters is in the same situation and she is constantly trying to compete with what her stepkids get and what her son gets. Her husband's kids are going on a vacation with their grandma, so right away she starts planning a vacation that her kids can take during the same week. It never ends.....


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I am relieved you are going to tell your wife you aren't going with her. I was going to tell you to grow a pair and explain to her that she KNOWS you have kids prior to marrying her. That was never going to change. So she either accepts it right now or she can see what a fool (or evil witch if you like) that makes her look like in court when she divorces you.
How horrible!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

breathedeep said:


> You are right. Thank you. I'll let everyone know how she takes it. I have a feeling when I tell her I'm not going, she will call off the entire trip.


Let her. I would still carry forward with your plans with your daughter, minus the wife. 

What a selfish woman.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Based on your prior threads and posts, this is just one more example of the disfunction in your marriage. You have previously posted that she refuses to participate in anything with your family for the last year. 

You would have gotten more insightful advice keeping this issue with your last thread. This has been such a short term relationship.....why can you not envision a much healthier life for you and your children by ending the marriage. This is such an awful way to live.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Make sure that when you tell her, you also tell her that you have made plans with your daughter - then see if she calls off the trip.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And you have said that she is very selfish - why did you marry her and why are you still married to her ?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You are not in a happy place for sure. You made a terrible mistake when you married this very selfish woman. God forbid something happens to your X and you get your kids full time. 

Why oh why do we settle for partners like her? You know eventually this relationship will end if you don't set some boundaries with this insensitive witch. 

If she cancels the trip, she is so dang awful. If she can do this to her own children, it's no wonder she can't be flexible with your poor baby. No wonder you feel conflicted. You even had to lie so your poor kid not to notice the horrible person you married. Her behavior will eat at you and make you very resentful towards her. Please do something about this and hopefully your idiot wife will wake up and smell the coffee!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wow what a ****ty thing for your wife to do! She is sending a clear message you do not and will not ever have a truly blended family, and then to go even further and state she couldn't "handle it" if you had your kids full time. There's a woman who should never get a mothers day card!

What I find incredibly sad is looking at things from your daughters perspective. The reason she was bailing on her mom may be due to her wanting to spend a fun weekend with her step siblings (and you of coarse), what a perfect opportunity to immerse her into the blended family and make her feel like PART of that family. 

Yet your wife only sees it as an inconvenience, shame shame shame on her..... and shame on her again.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Had my wife and I stood up to my FIL & his new wife 20 years ago (after my MIL died) we and our kids would still be talking to them, and the rest of their family. The new wife would often go her own way. It caused a pull on FIL and now there's no relationship.

Stop this crap now or you will not see your own kids in the future.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> Based on your prior threads and posts, this is just one more example of the disfunction in your marriage. You have previously posted that she refuses to participate in anything with your family for the last year.
> 
> You would have gotten more insightful advice keeping this issue with your last thread. This has been such a short term relationship.....why can you not envision a much healthier life for you and your children by ending the marriage. This is such an awful way to live.


:iagree:

breathe... After going back through your other threads, the Memorial Day weekend trip is the least of your problems. If you don't right this ship soon, I'm afraid you're going to pay a hefty price with your relationship to your children long term. Not to mention your own sanity and well-being.

Personally, I'd be calling up your old divorce attorney.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

She and I had the discussion this morning about how I feel, how it made my daughter feel, and how she would feel the same if the situation was reversed. She would never acknowledge that she'd feel the same way and she kept saying how she doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal out of this. She said she didn't understand why I had to always go around pretending like we are a 'real real' family, and that sometimes its OK for us to do things without the other two kids. I said, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you just imply we aren't a 'real' family?" She said, "You know what I mean. Your kids aren't mine and mine aren't yours." I couldn't believe what I was hearing and must have had a disgusted look on my face because she said, "Well this trip is going to be uncomfortable." and I said, "No its not because I'm not going." She responded that if I don't go, I might as well pack up my things while she is gone. I told her I just might do that. Then she turned from angry to pleading, asking my why I would do something like that, please don't do that to her, and why would I break up our family. I said, "Family? You just told me we didn't have a 'real' family." Not much was said after that and we had to cut the discussion short because she had an appointment outside of the house.

So, I'm not going and I'm looking forward to a nice day tomorrow with my daughter (and son if he wants to go).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Well done, BD. 

DO NOT BUDGE. Let her come to you with hat in hand if she wants to make it right.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Quite the bully...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I am happy to hear this, that you aren't going, and will be spending time with your daughter. 

Unfortunately it sounds like you might have upheaval to live through in the future. This may not be the life partner for you.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Your wife is a bully, be ready for more manipulation on her part, she will make you feel guilty, then be angry at you.

11 year old minds are so moldable, she will remember how you treat her forever. I am glad you are going to spend the weekend with her. I do not like your wife, she is so selfish....


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

grow a pair of ...........


yuck your wife sounds awful. are you happy being with her ?


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

chillymorn said:


> yuck your wife sounds awful. are you happy being with her ?


No, not really.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

breathedeep said:


> She and I had the discussion this morning about how I feel, how it made my daughter feel, and how she would feel the same if the situation was reversed. She would never acknowledge that she'd feel the same way and she kept saying how she doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal out of this. *She said she didn't understand why I had to always go around pretending like we are a 'real real' family, and that sometimes its OK for us to do things without the other two kids. I said, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you just imply we aren't a 'real' family?" She said, "You know what I mean. Your kids aren't mine and mine aren't yours."* I couldn't believe what I was hearing and must have had a disgusted look on my face because she said, "Well this trip is going to be uncomfortable." and I said, "No its not because I'm not going." She responded that if I don't go, I might as well pack up my things while she is gone. I told her I just might do that. Then she turned from angry to pleading, asking my why I would do something like that, please don't do that to her, and why would I break up our family. I said, "Family? You just told me we didn't have a 'real' family." Not much was said after that and we had to cut the discussion short because she had an appointment outside of the house.
> 
> So, I'm not going and I'm looking forward to a nice day tomorrow with my daughter (and son if he wants to go).


WOW. Just...wow. Your kids are going to be so happy if you divorce her....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dude...went back and skimmed some of your threads ( I thought I remember some things..)... you never should have married this woman, she is a class A B!TCH. For the sake of your children and your own dignity, you need to get out of this marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

breathedeep said:


> She and I had the discussion this morning about how I feel, how it made my daughter feel, and how she would feel the same if the situation was reversed. She would never acknowledge that she'd feel the same way and she kept saying how she doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal out of this. She said she didn't understand why I had to always go around pretending like we are a 'real real' family, and that sometimes its OK for us to do things without the other two kids. I said, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you just imply we aren't a 'real' family?" She said, "You know what I mean. Your kids aren't mine and mine aren't yours." I couldn't believe what I was hearing and must have had a disgusted look on my face because she said, "Well this trip is going to be uncomfortable." and I said, "No its not because I'm not going." She responded that if I don't go, I might as well pack up my things while she is gone. I told her I just might do that. Then she turned from angry to pleading, asking my why I would do something like that, please don't do that to her, and why would I break up our family. I said, "Family? You just told me we didn't have a 'real' family." Not much was said after that and we had to cut the discussion short because she had an appointment outside of the house.
> 
> So, I'm not going and I'm looking forward to a nice day tomorrow with my daughter (and son if he wants to go).


She just told you she wants you and your children out of her life. 

I don't know what to say. 

Wait! Yes, I do! 

Just tell her: "Your wish is my command!"


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## trainwreck2016 (May 27, 2016)

Don't go on the trip without you daughter, please. 

Single mom here, technically as of today. I ended my live in style relationship because our blended family isn't working. 

I'm not suggesting that yours isn't as well. Jsut consider this. Your daughter will know. She will know. If your wife calls this shot now, she will do it repeatedly and it will damage your relationship with your daughter in the long run.

She needs to understand that you and your children are her family too. 

Don't go without your daughter.


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## trainwreck2016 (May 27, 2016)

I just caught up. Sorry, I'm new here. 

Good job.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Well handled. I am glad you stood your ground and stood up for your kids and yourself.

I cannot believe she asked you to pack your bags and leave. I don't think you need to know anymore about this woman.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

I'm glad you stuck up for your child. Her way of looking at the world is all part of her illness. They way she went from telling you to pack your bags to pleading with you shows how hard she's trying to manipulate you. Has she done any individual counseling to address her behavior?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Standing up for yourself and the kids looks real good on ya!

I completely agree with the poster that stated you will lose your relationship with your children if you don't put them first before selfish wicked stepmother. 

I am glad you are not blind and realizing you are not very happy with this woman. Keep fighting for your and your kids happiness. And by kids, I mean yours and hers. You are not like her. You do see them as your family!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> The more I think about this... I believe this might make me bow out of the trip with wife's kids to wife's parents house, if my child were told not to come! You are being told your child isn't part of her family...


Exactly I would make a trip to Disney or something cool with me and daughter.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

breathedeep said:


> happy as a clam said:
> 
> 
> > So now your daughter is heartbroken. She's only 11 and can't possibly make sense of why her dad would ditch her. Sorry if this is blunt, but you seem more concerned that a "big argument will ensue" with your wife if you don't go instead of being concerned that your daughter feels like a second-rate family member. And you lied to her to boot! A flat-out lie about not being able to change the hotel arrangements? Come on, you can do better than this.
> ...


There you go!

So next month tell her you and her will be taking your kids to Disney since it is OK to do things without the other kids. Her kids will be staying with other family while y'all take your children there. 

Besides she does not get to see her parents often....so....you should not go so as not to take time away from her and her parents. 

Your wife is a selfish ***** who has no business being a step-mother. If she can not handle your kids full time I'd say she was not committed to this marriage. 

I bet if her mother were worth a crap she would be horrified at her daughter's behavior. My self...i would call mother inlaw and tell her why I will not be visiting any more due to daughter's behavior toward my kids and not wanting them to impose on grandma time......since I'm not blood kin I do not want to impose on mother/daughter time so I will no longer be attending your family gatherings....
..i will be doing something with MY daughter since we are not really family any way.


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## Ruby210 (Oct 14, 2015)

Livvie said:


> The more I think about this... I believe this might make me bow out of the trip with wife's kids to wife's parents house, if my child were told not to come! You are being told your child isn't part of her family...[/QUOTE
> I agree with this - you should put your daughter first and maybe do something different with her and your wife can have her kids and her parents all to herself without anyone else getting it the way. That was a terrible thing for her to say. Your poor daughter ( kids) they'll always be made to feel like second class citizens.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Let her. I would still carry forward with your plans with your daughter, minus the wife.
> 
> What a selfish woman.


"Like" x 100.

It would be silly of her to call off her trip with her children to her own family because you are going to do something independently with your own daughter.

If she does that it shows that she is manipulative and controlling.

If she calls off her own trip, make sure that you don't call off your own.

You are going to have to learn to not be manipulated, and to do what your heart tells you to do, no matter what she does.

She will probably kick and scream, and try to manipulate and guilt you to change your plans.

If you remain steadfast this time and in the future, and if she is capable of learning, she will learn to stop being selfish, unreasonable and stop playing manipulative games with you.

She will learn that playing mean games will only end up badly for her.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> I cannot believe she asked you to pack your bags and leave. I don't think you need to know anymore about this woman.


She says these types of things when she is upset. It's gotten to the point where I pay it no attention because I know it's her go-to response in these situations.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Grogmiester said:


> I'm glad you stuck up for your child. Her way of looking at the world is all part of her illness. They way she went from telling you to pack your bags to pleading with you shows how hard she's trying to manipulate you. *Has she done any individual counseling to address her behavior?*


She has been in individual therapy for years, but I believe she never really discusses any hard issues with her counselor. I don't think she discusses her behavior with her current counselor, although she has started going to an EMDR therapist and she said she brought up the subject of how she treats me, so we'll see where it goes.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> Standing up for yourself and the kids looks real good on ya!
> 
> I completely agree with the poster that stated you will lose your relationship with your children if you don't put them first before selfish wicked stepmother.
> 
> I am glad you are not blind and realizing you are not very happy with this woman. Keep fighting for your and your kids happiness. And by kids, I mean yours and hers. You are not like her. You do see them as your family!


Thanks! It felt really good to stand up to my wife for my daughter and myself. And in my heart I know you are right about potentially losing my relationship with my children. I have no relationship with my father for that reason (among others), and I don't want to end up like that with my children. Thank you and everyone else for the encouragement - it has given me the direction and strength I need to do the right thing in this situation.

My wife is very apologetic while she is away. She says she sees she made a mistake and wants to make it better. I've heard this story many times before.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> "Like" x 100.
> 
> It would be silly of her to call off her trip with her children to her own family because you are going to do something independently with your own daughter.
> 
> ...


She ended up going, although she laid on the guilt nice and thick before she left.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

breathedeep said:


> She ended up going, although she laid on the guilt nice and thick before she left.


"Yep. Have a great trip!"

With a smile.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

breathedeep said:


> She ended up going, although she laid on the guilt nice and thick before she left.


And you didn't go, but you stayed with your daughter!! Hooray for you! Your wife has been taught Lesson #1. Hopefully she will now move to Lesson #2 : "Shut her trap and get a new attitude about you all not being a "real family" or she will not have a husband anymore!!"


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You put the ball in her court and stood your ground and called her bluff when she said you may as well not be there. Now keep your mouth closed, and enjoy your day with the kid and let her figure her own way out of this mess and there's a lesson to be learned. Hold your ground and don't let her bully you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

while shes away go see a lawyer see what your options are.


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## Froggi2 (Mar 29, 2016)

breathedeep said:


> She said she married me when I didn't have them full time and she wouldn't be able to deal with it if my kids were with me all the time.
> 
> And no, we NEVER make plans that exclude her kids. I wouldn't think of it, and she wouldn't allow it.
> 
> ...


Personally this would be the end of my marriage if I were you. Your daughter should come before this selfish *****. Seriously, you told your kid she wasn't welcome to appease a ****.


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## Froggi2 (Mar 29, 2016)

I am glad you stood up to her. However, you staying with such a ***** instead of packing shows her she can act any way she wants. Call her bluff.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Froggi2 said:


> Personally this would be the end of my marriage if I were you. Your daughter should come before this selfish *****. Seriously, you told your kid she wasn't welcome to appease a ****.


His life is way more complicated. You were lied to in this marriage. You were manipulated by a woman that was terribly abused as a child. The sad thing is that she wasted many years of therapy by not being honest with her therapists. Her motives are probably driven from fear, but dragging you and the kids down on this mistake of a marriage will help no one. She was not marriage material. She still isn't! She is not mother material either. She has done many things wrong that are not your fault. She is not a child anymore. She is harming all those that love her. She self sabotages her relationships and blames others for HER mistakes.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

breathedeep said:


> manfromlamancha said:
> 
> 
> > I cannot believe she asked you to pack your bags and leave. I don't think you need to know anymore about this woman.
> ...


That's where you mess up. She is throwing **** at you and you are taking it. 

You should tell her "No sweet cheeks, I will be packing your shyt!"

She is like a lioness that wants to get rid of the other cubs in the pride so her cubs get all the kill. You are the one willing to take in her cubs.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I hope you did not go on that trip. Your main problem is that you don't know your value. It's to bad. You are one in a million, a generous, loving, supportive man, willing to raise another man's children.

You are supporting her two children, even if she gets child support. You are the stable male figure in their lives, there every day, not their father. This is a very big contribution to their lives and to your wife's. 

She is trying to make you small to manipulate you. If she makes yu feel worthless, she can act like a sh!t and you won't leave. 

Leaving should always be an option in every relationship. The threshold for leaving should be high. IMO, you may have reached it. You can make a timeline for improvement with hard stipulations, respect and appreciation being chief among them. 

Give it all you have. When you reach the deadline and the stipulations are not met, then D. Don't threaten her with D. Just present the plan and give her time to come to an agreement. 

You have assets that she needs, not want but need. You graciously and humbly share them yet, you get no appreciation. Quite the opposite, you are treated like an annoyance. Does she bring so much into your life that you need to tolerate disrespect and devaluation?


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## climbingup001 (May 30, 2016)

No you are not wrong to feel this way...:smile2:


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey OP, what if something happens to your ex and you have to have your two kids full time? 

Would your wife leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am a step grandparent of several great young kids. Wow, what a great thing it is to have more kids in the family, even if they aren't bio grandkids!

If I were in your wife's parent's position I would enthusiastically welcome step grandchildren for the weekend. Your wife is 100% wrong.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Froggi2 said:


> Personally this would be the end of my marriage if I were you. Your daughter should come before this selfish *****. *Seriously, you told your kid she wasn't welcome to appease a *****.


Actually, I told my wife if my daughter wasn't welcome, neither was I. My son wanted to come along, so I had a great memorial weekend with both of my kids.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

ABHale said:


> Hey OP, what if something happens to your ex and you have to have your two kids full time?
> 
> *Would your wife leave?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probably not. Although I am working on an exit as this is hardly the first time she's let me know how she really feels about my children.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

breathedeep said:


> ... I am working on an exit as this is hardly the first time she's let me know how she really feels about my children.


How many years have you been married, and is the house in both names, just hers, or just yours?

I guess I'm scratching my head a bit about why you need to work on an exit after she's made her distaste for your kids known numerous times.

Frankly, the woman sounds like a disgusting creature to me. Granted, your kids aren't her biological children, but her opinion of them would have propelled me out the door long ago.

So why the he!! are you staying with this b!tch??? Seriously.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

You need to work faster on that exit man. 
Nice work with standing up to her bullsh!t this time though. 
Chalk marrying this evil wench up to one of life's stupid mistakes- but learn. You need to show your kids that they will always be your number 1 priority, and any future girlfriend needs to know it too.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

breathedeep said:


> Probably not. Although I am working on an exit as this is hardly the first time she's let me know how she really feels about my children.


So she tells you she doesn't like your kids. She's told you she faked being in love with you for years. She's told you straight out she doesn't respect you anymore. 

Then she Tells you to pack up and leave. And you didn't take her up on the offer? Dude!!! That was your exit!!! You didn't even have to come up with it yourself!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhh. Life's missed opportunities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Deep,
What sort of issues do you have to work out before you are able to move out?
Is the home hers? Will you be set back financially? I have read other of your threads, I feel slightly sorry for your wife as she experience abuse early on her life, but this is not an excuse to act vindictive and hateful.

I also feel you rush into a relationship with her, so soon after your divorce. This is the reason people are always cautioning newly singles to take things slow. I am sorry. You need to assert yourself and leave. She is venomous....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why should you leave your home?? Tell her to pack her and her children's bags and leave, if she is unhappy. It's your home too. Besides, she is not the boss of you. 

Now that you are flexing your muscles, she is trying to placate you. I think she expressed her true feelings when she thought you would never leave. You have been reassuring of that for the entire relationship by the things you tolerated from her. 

When she said she faked loving you and did not like your children, you did nothing. From that she figured that she had the perfect setup. She could say and do as she pleases and suffer no consequences all while enjoying your support. Lucky her, so far.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> How many years have you been married, and is the house in both names, just hers, or just yours?


She and I got married September, 2015. I owned a house, but she didn't want to live there because my ex wife previously lived there. I sold the house in May. We are renting the house we are currently in, although the lease is up this weekend and we are supposed to be moving into our new house this weekend.



> I guess I'm scratching my head a bit about why you need to work on an exit after she's made her distaste for your kids known numerous times.
> 
> Frankly, the woman sounds like a disgusting creature to me. Granted, your kids aren't her biological children, but her opinion of them would have propelled me out the door long ago.
> 
> So why the he!! are you staying with this b!tch??? Seriously.


Entangled finances, current housing situation (see above), and she and I work together.

Doesn't matter now though, as I am moving out this weekend, and not into the house she and I were supposed to be moving in together.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Kylie84 said:


> You need to work faster on that exit man.
> Nice work with standing up to her bullsh!t this time though.
> Chalk marrying this evil wench up to one of life's stupid mistakes- but learn. You need to show your kids that they will always be your number 1 priority, and any future girlfriend needs to know it too.


Done. I'm moving out this weekend. And going forward my kids will be number 1, and I'm not sure there will be any girlfriends for a long while.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

ne9907 said:


> Deep,
> What sort of issues do you have to work out before you are able to move out?
> Is the home hers? Will you be set back financially? I have read other of your threads, I feel slightly sorry for your wife as she experience abuse early on her life, but this is not an excuse to act vindictive and hateful.


The only issue is having a place to go. Financially, I'm doing OK.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> Why should you leave your home?? Tell her to pack her and her children's bags and leave, if she is unhappy. It's your home too. Besides, she is not the boss of you.
> 
> Now that you are flexing your muscles, she is trying to placate you. I think she expressed her true feelings when she thought you would never leave. You have been reassuring of that for the entire relationship by the things you tolerated from her.
> 
> When she said she faked loving you and did not like your children, you did nothing. From that she figured that she had the perfect setup. She could say and do as she pleases and suffer no consequences all while enjoying your support. Lucky her, so far.


She dropped another bomb on me today, so no more placating from her. Our lease is up this weekend, so we are both leaving, we just aren't moving to the same house.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What bomb did she drop?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Proud of you for "manning up".....your kids will appreciate it and you will feel better about yourself. It'll be okay!


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> What bomb did she drop?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Since she and I had our last big argument and she said she was committed to fixing herself, she began looking into other forms of therapy because she agreed what she was doing wasn't working. She found EMDR therapy. Until today, she has been to two sessions. Today after her session, she texted me saying that she had a breakthrough and that what she realized was going to make our relationship difficult. When she got back to work, I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she said she wasn't ready. I said OK, no problem. Whenever you want. About an hour later she said she was ready, so we went out to her car and she said she has come to the realization that I treat her like she is my whipping boy and she isn't going to allow me to do that to her anymore. She said she doesn't deserve that. She said that if I don't get help for the way I treat her, then she couldn't be in this relationship anymore. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from her. I asked her for examples of how I treat her like her whipping boy, and she said that I continually blame her for all of the problems in our relationship, and that she is trying to get help, but I'm not doing anything on my end to improve things. I reminded her that several months ago I was going to counseling, reading books, etc... and she would $hit on my efforts, even going so far as to make fun of the books I was reading and when I wanted to discuss what I had learned about 'boundaries', she told me I could 'shove my books and boundaries up my A$$.' She said she admits she has made some mistakes, but she didn't do it to hurt me and that I have no right to hold the things she's done against her.

She then reiterated that if I didn't agree to seek help for my behavior, she was going to leave because she already lived through one marriage like this before and wasn't going to do it again. I told her that she and I were just never going to see eye to eye on this, so we should cut the conversation short for now (we had to get back to work) and we could talk about it later.

We went back inside and she began texting me, asking me if she needs to find her own place to move into, and I told her we should not talk about this at work; that we should talk about this tonight. She said she knows what that means and walked out. She then sent me these messages via messenger.

unfortunately we are stuck with a time crunch and dont have a lot of time to talk and make decisions.
I understand that there has been too much that has happened for you to want to forgive me or work on this.
Im sorry for everything I have done and Im especially sorry for not fixing this sooner.
I realize that this is something I will have to live with.
I will forever regret my part in all of this.
You have been my best friend and I have cherished my time with you.
I appreciate everything that you have done for me and [her son] and [daughter].
Thank you for showing me what love feels like, Ive never had that before
I cannot possibly express to you how much I regret fighting the love you gave me for so long. I feel like Ive missed a once in a lifetime chance.
I have learned so much from my time with you and about myself. I know without a doubt that I can never repay you for what youve given me.
I wish I had done this sooner. I was scared, making such huge changes is so scary. Now that I am finally on this path, I see now that getting here was the scariest part.
Im ready to move forward. I am heartbroken that I cant do that with you, that I cant work to fix things with you. I am heartbroken that I wont be able to spend the rest of my life with you.
But I understand, I am not blaming you.
I am just so very sorry for everything.

Now she is texting me begging me to 'choose us'.

God help me be strong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Manipulation.

Did you respond to any of those messages?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Manipulation.
> 
> Did you respond to any of those messages?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


No. And none of her texts either, aside from saying that we can talk about it when I get home.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

breathedeep said:


> No. And none of her texts either, aside from saying that we can talk about it when I get home.


Good. Hold firm on that boundary. This will either be the beginning of her understanding boundaries within the framework of your marriage, or within the framework of ex spouses.

Definitely have the conversation when you get home.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

breathedeep said:


> God help me be strong.


Be strong.

This is your chance to escape this terrible mistake. Do not cave to her manipulation.

If "us" is meant to be, you can always get back together in the future. But if you don't get out now, you will become more and more entrenched.

Good luck and God Speed.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

She just sent me this article and asked me to read it. This is what she does...

Your Soulmate Will Always Cause Problems -


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

breathedeep said:


> She just sent me this article and asked me to read it. This is what she does...
> 
> Your Soulmate Will Always Cause Problems -


Yee gads. Well the problem her "soulmate" will be causing her soon is that he will not be living with her...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What a head case. This woman is not wife material and DEFINITELY not step mom material. It is time to set yourself free from this abusive woman. 

If possible, once settled, you should fight for shared custody. Your kids have only 1 father. Growing up in a broken home they doubly need you to be strong.

Work on yourself. Get your mind, body, and soul right. Don't rush to date even if you hear or see your STBXW wh0ring around. When the time is right, God will bring a woman into your life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

breathedeep, I have tremendous respect for your strength in going forward. It is quite sad that your wife is so manipulative. Apparently, she clings to the belief that she can reel you back in.

If you leave this weekend, get ready for her to turn up the heat. She may even threaten suicide. Who knows?

Hang tough and find an apartment. Your children are worth ditching this b!tch and then some. I wish you the very best!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

breathedeep said:


> She just sent me this article and asked me to read it. This is what she does...
> 
> Your Soulmate Will Always Cause Problems -


OMG!!!!!!!
Farside scream for Uptown now NPD on steroids.

Breathe you are doing the right thing but I am still sorry for your loss.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

FOR YOUR SAFETY...
Carry a var on you...
Bring friends to help you move...
Bring someone to RECORD VIDEO while you are moving...
That's all I have.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

People who have well timed vacillations between extremes of good and bad behavior are difficult for emotionally stable and empathetic people to leave. Their timing is better than an atomic clock. Your wife knows precisely how far to push you and precisely when and how to pull you back in. 

Do you notice a pattern? On it's own merit, the text sounds wonderful, full of insight, regret, contrition and a commitment to do better in future. But viewed in the context of your entire relationship, it's part of a loop that plays over and over. 

You are emotionally stable so of course you can't imagine that she is insincere and saying only what she knows will draw you back in. So it works, she sounds good so she must be good. 

Could she possibly have a personality disorder? Google borderline personalty disorder and others and see if she fits any of them. Knowledge is power. If you can get a hint of the nature of her problem, you may be better able to do what is best for you and your children with a clear conscience and firm resolve. 

Its also possible that you are not ready to leave right now. You may want to give it another go. Don't stop posting if that is your decision. In time, you will leave with no hesitation or regret.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And the reason why her first marriage failed was all down to her first husband, too, huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, what a BSC narcissist! First her BIG revelation where EVERYTHING wrong with her was YOUR fault. Then the nutso text messages which were all aobut ME ME ME! Holy hell. Please do not allow this woman to manipulate you into staying with her! Your kids (and you!) don't deserve this kind of craziness in their lives!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

@breathedeep, how is it going...?


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