# My experience so far.



## ExMe (Mar 24, 2011)

I was a loving, faithful and fun husband for 17 years.
We got married when she was 20 and I was 21 and all through our marriage we both said it was the best thing that ever happened to us. 
My Ex was a great and wonderful woman for all those years as long as she was on her meds. When she was on her meds you could hardly tell she had any kind of condition at all.
I also have depression and anxiety and panic attacks and diabetes, but am on meds as well and taking care of it.
We had very open and healthy communication and were very loving towards one another and had great sex.

Well she was approaching 40 and I think she may have been starting into menopause. Her mother and aunt both started menopause in their mid thirties.
She stopped taking her meds for bi-polar and depression.
She started hanging out with some young wild girls that she was working with as well as a woman her age that liked to brag that she cheated on her husband often even though this woman actually never actually did.
Her so called best friend of 8 years got her into crushing and snorting Lortab and Oxycontin while they were alone and I didn't know about this until near the end.

I guess between all the above things her personality changed.

She started wanting to do things that she always used to roll her eyes at other people for doing like tattoos and piercings and dyeing her hair crazy colors.
I was fine with it as long as it was what she truly wanted to do. I even helped her color her hair and bought her pretty jewelry for her piercings.

Late last year she one day was acting funny and I asked her what was wrong. She looked down and said nothing. You don't want to know. I said sure I do hun. Maybe I can help.
She looked at me and paused and said I care about you and I love you, but I'm not "IN" love with you anymore.
I was crushed, but I kept my composure and tried to talk through the nervous dryness in my mouth and said Well sometimes emotions can be funny. The feeling may come back. Is there anything I can do to help you get that feeling back.
She went through a list of things I might try and said that she had no plans to leave at this time.
I tried to hold our marriage together for several months, she seemed like she was coming around.
Then one morning at the end of January she took all the money we had and she left for work never came home.
I haven't been able to talk to her since.
I guess being married just didn't fit in with the lifestyle she suddenly seemed interested in.

We have two daughters. 16 and 12. Our 12 year old wants us back together and our 16 year old seems like she doesn't care one way or the other. Both are staying with her at her mother's.

It has been 7 weeks since she walked out and I am hurting just as badly as the first day. I can hardly take this pain. I miss her so much and want to be back together.
I can't help, but to think if I could talk to her and she would get back on her meds and get away from those that were influencing her in the direction she is headed now there is a chance we could work things out and return to the great love we had before.
I am holding out in hopes that something will happen or a door will open to provide an opportunity to make things well between us again even though I am fairly sure she is going out and doing who knows what.
I don't want to make myself into a doormat, but at the same time if she is not in her right mind then I feel like I would be abandoning her if I left her to the path she is on.

If anyone can help or give some good insight or comfort I would appreciate it so much.

Thanks.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. We have a lovely club here of those in a similar position.  

So, I take it you aren't communicating at all? It's really hard to have any insight as to what's going on. But that line she fed you, is classic affair talk. Could there be someone else? She might not be cheating but maybe having a midlife "grass is greener" moment. All you can do is stay strong and independent, let her know you love her and want to work on the relationship, but then look after yourself. She's not going to want to come back to someone who is openly begging and pleading and wanting her to come back. Do some research around the forums for talk of the "180". This is for you in this situation. Maybe send her a note telling her of your position. But then that's it for relationship talk. At some point, she's bound to realize she's losing you. And you don't want to be a doormat. In order to realize what she's got, she's got to fear losing you. I wish you luck. And send you hugs!


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## ExMe (Mar 24, 2011)

Thank you so much for your kindness and insight LonelyNLost.

I'll look into the 180 topics as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is she having an affair or possibly abusing more drugs now?

Right now your job is to protect your kids as best as you can. Don't chase after her, it will only push her in the opposite direction.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Sorry to hear you are going thru this. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. He left 3 months ago. I wish I could tell you that it will be easier 3 months from now....it is a tiny bit easier but it still sucks. My husband and I didn't have the best of communication...but it was kinda just a given on how much we loved each other....we made it thru and survived....until the day he left. I am kinda wondering if he is going thru some sort of mid life crisis......

a) he will be 40 in 5 months
b) he just got a big tatoo
c) he is getting his motorcycle license next week 
d) became emotionally involved with a 22 year old
e) contacted his high school girlfriend and she stayed for the weekend

So, I know you must be totally confused....just take it day by day.....and when you need any advice....come to this website.

Wishing you lots of luck.


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## rpriore (Jan 17, 2011)

WOW! Your situation is so similar to mine. I also suffer from anxiety, panic and also a diabetic. This is a very hard thing to deal with but some days I feel great others not so much but I know it WILL get better. Right now I am by myself after having my son for a whole week and I feel like a 5 from 1-10 so that's ok. Today is job search day, my ex moved me out without a job after being a stay at home dad for almost 3 years, so stress is knocking at my door but i'm not letting her in lol!!!
Good luck and Gob bless.

Rick


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## ExMe (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks so much to you all once again. I'm trying my best to find things to do and distract myself from the loneliness and pain.
Just trying to take today when today comes and wait to see what will come from tomorrow.

Much love and all the best to everyone here.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Just so you know....it does get better..... S-L-O-W-L-Y.....


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## rpriore (Jan 17, 2011)

Ok denise1218 how S-L-O-W-L-Y are we talkin bout


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

rpriore said:


> Ok denise1218 how S-L-O-W-L-Y are we talkin bout


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

But seriously...its going to take a while. I remember a rule of thumb for seriously dating again was 1/3 of the time you were together...Which for me would be 3 years! PFFFFT!

I imagine it would take some time though, and it will vary for each person.


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## rpriore (Jan 17, 2011)

I can just about deal with the emotions but this damn weight loss is for the birds, i'm a thin guy to begin with and I need all the weight I can get.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

I don't know what is typical, but I barely ate for about two weeks. A granola bar here and there, gatorade, and those bottled health shakes they give you in the hospital kept me alive. 

After that, I started eating cereal. Apple sauce. I got some microwavable meals. 

I wanted to keep the weight off (I lost 15 pound) so I started exercising once I was eating solid food, but even now I watch my potion sizes and try to eat more healthy. I run 3-4 times a week now and am trying to add in other activities.

I keep a few raw veggies and some fruit around for snacks, as well as triscuits and such. Cooking has been REALLY hard as I always cooked a lot for the two of us. Once I started getting back in the habit I found the cooking of the meal as therapeutic as the eating of it. Never underestimate warm food like spaghetti, chicken and dumplings, homemade nachos, ext for putting a smile on your face.

Since I was not in great shape and had a little extra padding, I wanted to benefit as much as possible from the experience for three reasons.

1. So I would be hunky if the wife suddenly showed up at the door (haha, well dreams are nice)
2. In the event I end up single, I want to be in good shape.
3. I want to be a healthier individual, like I was before I let stress and laziness drag me down.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

LOL! My H moved out 3 months ago today....I will admit that I am better than I was 3 months ago. I still have some days that I just want to hibernate and stay in bed and wallow in my self pity and cry, beg, and plead for my "old life" back....but that is not going to happen. I am actually sick of crying over someone who obviously doesn't love me anymore. My friends were (are) right......he isn't wasting time wondering on me so why should I waste my time on him.....something better is out there for us all.......but we have to make ourselves better first.....gotta take this day by day!!! But have faith....you will laugh again.....you will smile again.....you will find yourself singing to your favorite songs......


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I don't think there is anything worse than a broken heart.
It sounds to me like maybe your wife is going through some sort of MLC.
I'm sorry she isn't taking her meds. I suffer from anxiety/depression also but was in denial for a very long time. I've been on and off meds for as long as I can remember. Now that I am on the right meds it makes a world of difference.

As hard as it is, try to focus on you and what you can do to improve your life.
I know it's so much easier said than done, but really try. I've had to remind myself constantly that I am only responsible for me and I can't control my H's actions or choices.

Are you in counseling? I would suggest that as well. I have been in it for 4 months now and it makes a world of difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ExMe (Mar 24, 2011)

Well I have several factors making it extra hard for me.

The area I live in is in a high poverty state and there isn't much to do.

We had a lot of friends over the years take advantage of our kindness and we got used. So we stopped letting most people in as "good friends". So I don't have any friends that live local to me.

There are no support or singles groups or clubs and very few counselors that deal with separation or divorce in my area and the ones that are here are no longer taking new patients cause they are overbooked.

The only family I have around here is my mother who is not in her right mind from loss of oxygen a few years ago.

I don't even have a car because I left ours to my ex so she and our girls wouldn't have to worry about transportation.

The weather hasn't been nice enough for me to get out and do much and local public transportation is really unreliable so it is really hard to try to go out and make friends.

So all I have for now is the internet and my cell phone.

She has extended family here and they are all together visiting at her mom's and dad's house every day.
They often do lots of things together.
She has the friends she has made at her job and one old friend.
She has the car.
She also has the internet and her cell phone.

Sometimes I just want to run away from here. Far far away. Like to the west coast or something and start new, but I have two girls that need me and I just can't think of me before I think of them.

So I think I may be kinda screwed.


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## rpriore (Jan 17, 2011)

ExME, I sent you a pm. Did you get it?


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## ExMe (Mar 24, 2011)

Yea just did. Will get back to ya soon and thanks


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