# Help im in an emotional affair I think



## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

Hi i am really lost in life just now. I had a great marriage but I got chatting to someone online and before I knew it. I was getting really attatched to him. Eventually we have started talking on the phone and texting regulary and we have started to arrange to meet. I am really scared as I love my husband and would have never of contemplated doing anything like this. But I now care also for the other preson and feel I am will let him down in some way. he is single so there is no person I am hurting except me and my husband. I want this to stop as I know it is wrong. But in my heart I want to meet him. Why can i not find the strength to end this now before its too late


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Having been in a marriage where my wife had an EA, I'll ask one question. Is your marriage worth losing over someone who is in reality only a fantasy??? This will hurt your husband, your marriage and if you have kids, them also. You came for advice so here it is, end it and end it decisively. Don't look back and concentrate on your marriage. You are headed for a world of hurt and so is your husband. Been there, done that, have the scars.


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## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

I really know what you are saying is exactly right. I just dont feel like im ready too but I also know I have to cause I love my husband. Why am I finding it so difficult is has caused me nothing but hurt and pain.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

rosy16 said:


> I just dont feel like im ready too but I also know I have to cause I love my husband.


The deeper you get involved the harder it will be to end it and the greater the chance your husband will reject you if he finds out. (And he will eventually) Do not meet this man. Even though you say you love your husband if the pain in ending the EA is this hard then you should be able to understand that you've emotionally lost something you only used to feel for your husband. Don't underestimate how destructive an EA can be to either a healthy or a shaky marriage.


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## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

Thank you very much for your reply I have no one to talk to as I am so scared of this. Do I just stop the contact with this person or do I need to explain why? The hurt i feel just now is from all the deception I wanted to tell my husband months ago as I know it would end it so much quicker. I just cant believe ive let myself get in this deep.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

rosy16 said:


> Hi i am really lost in life just now. I had a great marriage but I got chatting to someone online and before I knew it. I was getting really attatched to him. Eventually we have started talking on the phone and texting regulary and we have started to arrange to meet. I am really scared as I love my husband and would have never of contemplated doing anything like this. But I now care also for the other preson and feel I am will let him down in some way. he is single so there is no person I am hurting except me and my husband. I want this to stop as I know it is wrong. But in my heart I want to meet him. Why can i not find the strength to end this now before its too late


It's very sad that these things happen - and you have some hard work ahead of you.

1) Decide who is more important - your husband or someone who sends you text messaged. I'm not trying to belittle your experience - it feels like this is something meaningful - but it is not. An affair is a fantasy - nearly all of it is imagined. 

2) If you decide your husband is more important - end it now. Today immediately. You may hurt this person's feelings - _but why are his more important than your husband's feelings?_

3) You must NEVER contact this person again. (Please read that article with care - it explains why this is so important.)

4) Make up your mind to do whatever it takes to make things right. _Whatever it takes._

5) You will need to tell your husband about this. He will be hurt, upset, angry - but, if he loves you, he will also be willing to forgive you. 

Like I said - hard steps...

However - (the good news) - 

This is a great stepping stone to a much stronger, happier marriage. In my experience, affairs do not happen in a vacuum - there were things missing in your marriage that this person seems to supply. 

Here is a great article on how and why affairs start.

From the point where you and your husband get onto the same page (that is - we need to work on our marriage) you will be working together toward an important goal. And there lots of great steps you can take to help you - stay on this site - keep posting - we'd love to help you get through all this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

End it by saying it is hurting your marriage and you won't betray that union. Short and firm. Tell him in no uncertain words to not try and get back in touch with you. Then block his number from your phone and add his email to your spam list. If he continues to try and contact you don't answer or respond. He'll get the hint eventually. If you are in deep it'll hurt but remember it's the right thing to do.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Rosy, you've been given some good advice in the above posts. The big problem with online affairs is that we can invest the other person with whatever qualities we yearn for - and so it's like falling in love with a mirror image. Your husband is real and I reckon you know what you need to do. It will be tough. Good luck!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

steve71 said:


> The big problem with online affairs is that we can invest the other person with whatever qualities we yearn for


Very direct and well put Steve, thank you.


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## Dana (Feb 20, 2010)

Rosy -
Unfortunately, I speak from experience also. My EA began as innocently as yours. An Ex and I crossed paths on Facebook and before I really knew what was happening I ended up getting very attached to him. My husband found out about it and confronted me. I have been trying to get over the ex for the past 5 months now (with much love, nurturing, and understanding from my husband). I hate to say it, but it has not been easy at all. My husband came up with the phrase "the heart wants what the heart wants" when talking about something else, and it fits so accurately. I wish you much luck in dealing with this. I know how hard it can be, but just keep remembering why you are with your husband in the first place, the good things he has done for/to/with you. 

Tanelornpete - 
I am printing out the articles from your response as we speak in hopes that I can get help from them.


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## letmego (Jan 7, 2010)

rosy16 said:


> Hi i am really lost in life just now. I had a great marriage but I got chatting to someone online and before I knew it. I was getting really attatched to him. Eventually we have started talking on the phone and texting regulary and we have started to arrange to meet. I am really scared as I love my husband and would have never of contemplated doing anything like this. But I now care also for the other preson and feel I am will let him down in some way. he is single so there is no person I am hurting except me and my husband. I want this to stop as I know it is wrong. But in my heart I want to meet him. Why can i not find the strength to end this now before its too late


you will have the strength to end everything with the other person when your husband finds out what is going on with you and that guy. and i'm sure you will find out also that the other person is not so important to you when your loved husband says he wanna divorce and you are going to face a broken marriage and families. Just like a man who said how much he loves the other woman,but once his wife found out the affair, all his attention will be drawn to how to fix his marriage but not to how to keep the other woman.

I am so confused why those people who claims love their spouse so much still can have either EA or PA with another one? Isn't one not enough for you? or you just feel too bored in your marriage?


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## rosy16 (Feb 26, 2010)

Well today i have told the other person it is over between us. And I think it was very difficult to do. I still cant believe what has happened to me and believe me when I say I feel absolutly awful that I let myself get into this situation.... An emotional affair I did not know they excisted till I was in one. This is one thing I never ever want to experience again


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great! Now go home and see what you can do to make your marriage better, so this doesn't happen again. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, and sit down with your husband and fill them out together. It will change everything.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

rosy16 said:


> I feel absolutly awful that I let myself get into this situation.... An emotional affair I did not know they excisted till I was in one. This is one thing I never ever want to experience again


An EA is an incredibly easy thing to fall into and most don't even realize it has happened until they are in very deep. Concentrating on your marriage will be the best thing you can do to get passed it. Good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

rosy16 said:


> Well today i have told the other person it is over between us. And I think it was very difficult to do. I still cant believe what has happened to me and believe me when I say I feel absolutly awful that I let myself get into this situation.... An emotional affair I did not know they excisted till I was in one. This is one thing I never ever want to experience again


Rosy~

I want to commend you for doing the right thing even though it was hard. I'm not going to kid you--this is going to be difficult and it's going to hurt. You are going to miss the zing of being interesting to someone else. You are going to be tempted to "see how he's doing" or just check, and I *very strongly urge* you to resist and don't contact him anymore. When you have that temptation, cry or take a moment to distract yourself by doing something for your husband or your marriage. But do not "check on him" okay?

Over the next few days if you feel down, bummed out, and a little lonely it's okay. It will pass. Just know that's completely natural and allow yourself to feel the emotions of missing the fun and attention and allow your husband to comfort you if he wants to..okay. 

What tunera suggested is wise. Those questionnaires can be very helpful. Print out one Love Buster and one Emotional Needs for you and one for your husband, and sharing your answers will bring you closer.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Rosy, I know what u r going through, mine was a man I've delt with for 10 yrs as a customer and all of a sudden I started going to see him everyday. We started having lunches talking on the phone everyday I had to see him, just before xmas I was going to leave home except for the holiys and kids i didn't. then he said he could'nt leave his wife he would loose too much financially, and there is 5 kids involved as well. You have done the right thing get out before it gets as bad as what I'm going through still, and its been sinse sept. good luck


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