# My Story



## WolfDreamer (Aug 2, 2014)

Hello All, 

I have known about this site for years, and I used to sometimes post different things. I haven't been here in a long while, and now I am back. I used to always read threads of cheaters, and what not, wondering how a marriage could reach that point, possibly even looking down on those who committed adultery...and yet here I am, because I now find myself in the same boat. I too, became a cheater..Here is my story.

I met my wife in 2005, and married her 2006. I was 17 at the time, she was 20. We had met online, distanced by a distance of about 700 miles. It was innocent enough. A simple chat room, led to emails, led to phone calls, led to love and then marriage.

So we married in April of 2006, and our first child was born in February of 2007. It was mostly bliss before the baby was born, little fights..nothing serious. Except for one major thing, she was very jealous. Kept constantly accusing me of infidelity even though I never did..Combined with post-partum depression after the birth, and her feelings of jealousy, led her to pull a knife on me. I left for about two weeks, came back to her promises of never doing that again.

Fast forward to 2008, and 2009, and we were blessed with two boys also. Years roll by..2010, 2011,2012, 2013...and this entire time she was accusing me of infidelity on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.._at this point I was completely faithful, and had been since the beginning._ But towards the end of 2013, I began to grow resentful...why be faithful if my loyalty would never be appreciated, why be faithful if I was never going to be trusted anyways. I was tired of it all. It was so bad, I couldn't even keep my female cousins on facebook without hearing complains.

So I met someone else, a girl online. Neither of us intended for it to become anything more than a friendship, yet it did. We both fell, hard. She knew I was legally married, but according to our faith (Islam) if a man says the word divorce to his wife, it makes them Islamically divorced. And during our arguments over the years I had said it, but never really did anything with it..So in this girls eyes, I was Islamically divorced, and therefore free for the taking, even though I was still legally married. I felt wrong, but I excused it away with the same idea.

My wife began to grow suspicious, I began to grow very distant, to the point of we were living like roommates who didn't say a word to each other. As that happened, the tension grew, until one day it just snapped..She asked me if I was talking to someone else and I just laughed..and she put her hands around my neck and began to squeeze. (heat of the moment, I probably would have done the same idk) Anyways, my air flow was not constricted, I could still breathe, so she wasnt really trying to choke me. But it was just enough pressure to lessen the blood flow to my brain, and as some people will know, putting any pressure on the blood vein in the neck can result in unconsciousness. I blacked out for a few seconds..came to with her waking me up and a panicked look in her eyes. I quickly said the marriage was done (in truth it was the excuse I had been looking for to leave). I left, and called my parents, who advised me to file a police report..sadly, I did...and she was arrested the following day. She spent one night in jail, no bail or anything, just because of the processing. They let her go in the morning with a court date which is coming up. I hired her a lawyer, and have been paying her legal fees out of my pocket, as all this is my fault anyways.(lawyer said she should be ok, first offense and all) We decided in early July to get back together, and I confessed everything to her, and she till took me back. Yet it was hard leaving the other woman, she and I had developed a very close bond. But I did try. I broke it off with her, but then again last week I was feeling really down about the whole thing...to the point of nearly talking to her again...So in desperation, I called my wife, telling her what was going on..and basically she said she didnt want to hear about it (who would? it's very hurtful to the spouse who has been betrayed), but in my eyes it was as if she didn't want to help me..to make matters worse, she went and told her stepmom everything...how I was begging for help...and what not...and I became very angry that she would take a plea made in confidence and run off to blab to someone else...I began to think this other girl would never do something like that...ect...and began talking to her again...It all came to a point when my wife found out and actually intruded on a chat the other woman and I were having...confronted the other woman, confronted me. My wife told me then that I had the rest of the day to make up my mind, that she was tired of this. So all day yesterday, I was thinking...and this morning I decided I didn't want to be the man who left his wife and three children for another woman, no matter what happened. She and I can marry again Islamically with no problem, and everything would be solved. This morning I logged into all my apps and emails for the other girl, and had my wife change the passwords to something i won't know, because otherwise the temptation will overcome me. I will miss this girl very much, and I feel like such an ******* leaving her in the dark..but it's the only way I can do this..any contact with her will make me want her more..
So...we have a long road of recovery ahead...It will be painful for me missing this girl, but I know where my responsibility lies, and I want to fall in love with my wife again, like it used to be in the beginning, even better. She has said she will stop the baseless accusations and baseless jealous, and so far she has been keeping her word. Even though now I proved her right after all these years..any commentary is helpful. We both want to move past this. God Bless


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## WolfDreamer (Aug 2, 2014)

I should add that other than these two instances of abuse, there never was any other abuse.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hi and welcome to the forum. I think you will find my advice pretty useful as I've been in your boat (got together at 16, married at 20.........18 years together at this point). 

Some of the things I will tell you, are things I wish someone taught me when I was your age. I had to learn the hard way unfortunately, but I hope you find it useful.

#1 is communication and fighting rules. I would highly recommend that you set these WITH your wife and you both should follow the rules. IT's up to you to define these rules, few suggestions: No Anger, No name calling/swearing etc etc. Key here is to have an adult conversation without getting hostile and out of hand. You know where this leads, things are said, next thing you know you are fighting about crap that wasn't even on the table etc. Keep the topic/issue at hand as the focus. No talking about the past etc.

Basically, you 2 need to set up/create a healthy environment to discuss your marriage. 

You guys already know what went wrong and how it went wrong. Your wife was wrong for constant accusations and you were wrong for cheating. You both have to accept your wrong doings, apologize and most importantly, MOVE ON. You both need to accept that you are willing to live together after abuse, cheating and accusations. Once you make that decision, you both need to WORK HARD at sustaining and living up to the promise.

I think you both did the right thing by sticking together, clearly you love your your wife and she loves you. Keeping the family together is your primary goal.

As for your situation. Your marriage will be FULL of problems and up and downs. Learn to deal with these issues together and work on them HARD, rather than giving up and just going off to another women. 

Marriage takes work, LOTS of hard work by BOTH parties. 

Next 5-10 years will be full of these sorts of things. You see, it doesn't really matter what happens in your life, what matter is how you and her deal with it.

You both need to put cheating and abuse behind you and make sure it never happens again. Assuming you can do that, all will be well and you will come out a much better person.

I know kids are already making you more mature than you really are. But I do want you to know that you will not reach full maturity until 30s.

During this time, pay close attention to YOURSELF!!!

Also, watch those closest to you (friends especially) as those have been the biggest threat to our early days of relationship.

Do your best to become the best of friends with your wife as well......

Last is mind control, you cant control the thoughts/feelings that come up. But you CAN deflect them and manage them. Learn to do that (sooner the better). This goes for both you and your wife! Start practicing ignoring those thoughts, thinking of other things. Practice practice practice.....

Also, look up 80/20 relationship rule. ALWAYS keep it in mind, it will help you!!!

Good luck


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## WolfDreamer (Aug 2, 2014)

Thank you DoF


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WolfDreamer said:


> Thank you DoF


Anytime

I would share SO much more with you, but only have so much time. 

You can do a search on my posts and read thru them. They are pretty repetitive and will give you a good idea of what I have learned over the years.

I'm glad you decided to keep your family together though. I think you made the right decision. One day, you both will look back on all of this and laugh.

 :smthumbup:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It's brave of you to put your story up here. You sound basically like a good man who screwed up big time. Hopefully you have learned your lesson for life.

Good luck to your marriage.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

make sure your wife gets professional help for her anger issues... her abuse is way over the line and she needs to stop that completely.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> make sure your wife gets help for her anger issues... her abuse is way over the line and she needs to stop that completely.


Agreed

But to her/his defense, young age+ young kids CAN drive you completely insane. In the mid 30s, I think I would've been able to handle toddlers WAY better than I did in the early 20s....and some. But I know it would still be very difficult.

I know it's not an excuse, but......

Also I wanted to add that 0-5 have been by far the hardest and the best parts of my parenthood. Enjoy it OP and dedicate as much time to their life as you can!!!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I totally understand.. my H did not do well the first three years of our sons life. The load I came with was already big and we added a child and it just sent him over the edge. He is learning how to manage better now, but it is taking very intentional work on his side and patience on mine. just grateful for the progress.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I got to tell you that you having an affair was wrong and if you weren't happy then file for divorce and be done with it.

What I don't understand is how you could be so dumb to have an affair with your wife's anger issues. She pulls a knife on you and chokes you until you pass out. Your lucky she either didn't run that knife through you and carve her initials in your liver with the knife or choke you to death.

The worse part is there are kids living in this nut house and neither one of you are really making a good impression on those kids. Maybe you two should split before the coroner is called for you and she goes on trial for murder


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

6301 said:


> I got to tell you that you having an affair was wrong and if you weren't happy then file for divorce and be done with it.
> 
> What I don't understand is how you could be so dumb to have an affair with your wife's anger issues. She pulls a knife on you and chokes you until you pass out. Your lucky she either didn't run that knife through you and carve her initials in your liver with the knife or choke you to death.
> 
> The worse part is there are kids living in this nut house and neither one of you are really making a good impression on those kids. Maybe you two should split before the coroner is called for you and she goes on trial for murder


I think OP should make it VERY clear that she is on her last chance. Next time, there won't be further relationship or paying for her court etc.

Seems like he already made that choice, just have to make sure she is WELL aware. 

Hope she doesn't press those buttons again.

I actually applaud OP for not going off the deep end on his wife when she did that. Woman coming at a man like that is asking to get SERIOUSLY hurt.

So one has to give him SOME credit.

Even today at a mature age and way more self control etc, if someone <anyone> tries to choke me....they better be prepared to get seriously hurt. We are talking natural instincts here and something that OP was able to control (gotta give him credit for that).


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## WolfDreamer (Aug 2, 2014)

6301 said:


> I got to tell you that you having an affair was wrong and if you weren't happy then file for divorce and be done with it.
> 
> What I don't understand is how you could be so dumb to have an affair with your wife's anger issues. She pulls a knife on you and chokes you until you pass out. Your lucky she either didn't run that knife through you and carve her initials in your liver with the knife or choke you to death.
> 
> The worse part is there are kids living in this nut house and neither one of you are really making a good impression on those kids. Maybe you two should split before the coroner is called for you and she goes on trial for murder


That's the thing...except for the baseless jealousy, we normally were happy...as far as the affair...it just happened..She and I started out as friends. As far as the kids..we don't fight in front of them.


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## WolfDreamer (Aug 2, 2014)

DoF said:


> I think OP should make it VERY clear that she is on her last chance. Next time, there won't be further relationship or paying for her court etc.
> 
> Seems like he already made that choice, just have to make sure she is WELL aware.
> 
> ...


the only thing I was able to think was I didn't want to go to jail.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

is this really how a man typically treats women in your country? OMG


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## WolfDreamer (Aug 2, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> is this really how a man typically treats women in your country? OMG



What do you mean?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WolfDreamer said:


> That's the thing...except for the baseless jealousy, we normally were happy...as far as the affair...it just happened..She and I started out as friends. As far as the kids..we don't fight in front of them.


Beings you were a long distance relationship.. you really didn't take the time or have the time that couples in the same town have to see each other , day in / day out...getting to know each other as deeply...looking back.. .do you feel you missed these red flags?

Why is she this obsessively jealous -as you called it "baseless" ?? What was her upbringing like, did her Father cheat on her mother, did she see most men in her family doing this.. or did she have a prior boyfriend who betrayed her deeply? 

Her anger issues are not OK.. when it gets physical, that is pushing past "acceptable" on any level...as a Father who cares about the welfare of his children.. do get this woman help!


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> is this really how a man typically treats women in your country? OMG


COMPLETELY inappropriate. OMG right back at you. Who said the guy is not from America or Europe? Because he is Muslim...What century are we in?!

As to the OP, you put yourself in this situation and now you really need to fix it. Your wife is not blameless. She definitely has some trust issues and desperation to make her act this way. However, I doubt that her actions have been completely unprovoked. 

Think back in your marriage or before when you were dating. Were you frequently talking to women "just as friends"? Did you joke with your wife about having a second wife? I know its just a joke, my husband does this to me, but sometimes it gets a woman thinking, Am I not good enough? And that causes the jealousy and stuff to start. All I am saying is think about what you say, how you say it, and make sure that your actions (specifically talking to women) are not causing her anxiety.

If you are not taking such actions, then you need to help your wife feel more secure in the relationship, especially now since you cheated with an EA. Do things to make her feel special. 

Lastly, you need to create a boundary. No talking to women, even as friends. You clearly cannot do this and I think you know it is wrong to do so. Be transparent with your wife. If she is doubting you one day, hand her your phone. She may not look, but just that you are offering shows you are sincerely open to helping her feel better.

If you want to mess around with other women, then you need to leave your wife first. People of the opposite sex cannot be friends usually without complications. So hence, married people should not have friends of the opposite sex that their partners are also not friends with. 

I wish you success and hope that you can stay married and keep your family intact.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> is this really how a man typically treats women in your country? OMG


Out of that whole story that's your response? I guess pulling a knife on him and choking him until he passed out was just fine? lol, wow...


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## Granada (Jul 24, 2014)

WolfDreamer,

Without knowing every detail of your lives, you sound like a good person who messed up. But at least you are taking responsibility for your mistakes. It's a step in the right direction, but there are more issues to sort out.

1) It is not clear if you had an emotional or physical affair with the other girl. Either way it's bad, but if it wasn't physical, then it shows that you tried to exert some self-control and you deserve some credit for that. 

2) You and the other girl are mis-informed about the rules regarding Islamic divorce. Some schools of thought are that "Divorce" said in the heat of anger doesn't constitute complete divorce. If you only said one divorce, and then had marital relations with your wife, then you are considered reconciled to the marriage. Also, for a complete divorce to take place, you have to divorce her three times, and then you cannot live together as husband and wife. If you are concerned about doing things correctly religion-wise, then you should probably speak to a religious scholar. You can also do research online on a reputable Islamic site. Get the correct information if you're going to drag religion into this. Half knowledge does you no good.

3) The other girl is not so blameless. As long as she knew you were still living with your wife, she knew that you were not really available. For her own protection, she should have waited until you had sorted out your marital problems and separated from your wife. She has only herself to blame if she got involved in this situation knowing the full facts (I assume you did not hide your situation from her). I think she wanted you badly enough, and didn't stop to think about your committment to your wife AND YOUR CHILDREN. So there's no need to feel extremely sorry for her. Life's crappy at times. If you make bad choices, you have to deal with it. And so will she, and your wife. Hopefully all three of you will have learned your lessons.

4) Your wife: there should be a zero tolerance for abuse. It's one thing if she loses her mind and tries to harm herself - that's bad; but it makes it absolutely criminal to pull a knife on someone else, to try to choke them to death. She has issues, and she needs counseling/anger management/relationship management whatever. It's good that you filed the police case, do not feel guilty about it. Perhaps it taught her a good lesson about consequences for the choices she makes. As it was her first offense, it may be expunged from her record. She will hopefully think more sensibly before she decides to lose her temper again.

5) It's good that you had your wife change the passwords on your accounts, so as to avoid temptation - it shows a willingness to make amends on your part. You need to think carefully about what happened, why it happened, and how you will deal with the temptation if this ever comes up in your life in the future. What if the girl somehow manages to contact you, what if you see her somewhere, how will you deal with that. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

6) Last, but most important, your two children. How difficult it must be on them to see and hear you two fighting. How difficult it must have been to see their mom be taken away (where were the kids when your wife was arrested?). Or to see their mom attacking their dad. For the sake of your children, you two have to learn to deal with your problems in a civilized manner. How you manage your marriage sets a blueprint for their future relationships. Also, if either one, or both of you ends up getting arrested for domestic violence, you could end up losing your children because the state might consider your home to be unsafe for them. 

So please talk about all these things with your wife. There may be other things that you haven't mentioned- be honest about your role and your mistakes, and be fair to your wife. Don't provoke her, but don't let her abuse you either. Wishing you both good luck. Every sacrifice made to save a marriage and a home is worth it, but there are some situations where it is better for the principals and the children involved that the couple separate. So weigh your options and do what's best for the long term situation.


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