# I'm crazy about my husband but he doesn't love me



## Anonymous xXx (Nov 13, 2012)

I don't really know where to start 
I've never posted on here before but I was googling to find some answers to my relationship problems and came across this forum.
I've been married just over 3 years and I have a 1 year old,I love my husband to bits and have done so since we first got married,he is a great father and has a lovely character with everyone,every one who knows him loves him,in the beginning he showed me so much affection and made me feel really special,always made an effort on birthdays and anniversaries and would tell me I was beautiful and that I had made him the happiest man on earth.
But as time has gone on he has slowly lost interest in me,he has no inclination towards me sexually and never says I'm beautiful or special to him in any way,I think he is gorgeous in every way,and I tell him this almost every day.
Whenever it's his birthday or our anniversary,I want to make it the best day of his life and I will spend whatever I have to do so,but now when my birthday comes I get an almost empty card saying happy birthday,with words that don't make much sense and seem very meaningless,and a second hand teddy bear,as opposed to me buying him a number of presents including things like iPads and I pods and surprise parties.
I have voiced my concerns to him many times to which his response is silence most of the times and then after 5 minutes he will get up and carry on as normal and ignore the fact that I have just cried my eyes out in front of him,telling him how much I love him and asking what's wrong with me,why don't you love me any more.
Ive started having really low self esteem and have become very negative towards my appearance,my friends and family keep telling me that I'm beautiful and there's nothing wrong with me,but I don't believe them,but before I married my husband I received a lot of male interest and felt very confident about my appearance.
He has a very big interest in his car and left this hobby when we first got married but about two years ago he re-started his project and since then our relationship has gone down hill,i am not jealous or annoyed of him having a hobby as I understand that is what he enjoys but I feel that he has replaced me with his car,as he spends hours writing essays out on his car forums and i beg him to write me a nice message in my birthday cards.
He will splash money in the hundreds on modifying his car every month and not think twice but every time my birthday comes he always has a new excuse to not get me anything,I Am using a 7-8 year old phone while all my friends have the latest smart phones and he says this bothers him and he wants to buy me an I phone(for over a year now), but I still tell him I don't mind,as long as he loves me I don't want his money or gifts but the only reason it bothers me is because I see him spend like crazy on his car.
When we first got married he would always want to take pictures of me and look at them admiringly but since his car project has started he has never taken a single picture of me.
But if I go through his I pod I find 100's of pictures of his car and every little thing he's bought (just looks like pieces of rusty metal) but hell take 20-30 pics of each alloy,turbo,breaks bonnet that he buys.
I know it sounds really silly but I feel like he married me and then became a little child with his toys,I really hate being in debt and he knows this,I will never borrow a penny from any one,if I can't afford it I won't have it,but he has borrowed money from everyone,his family and friends and even my family.
If I ask him why he has done this he will just say "finances are my problem so why are you worrying about it?" 
All the money he has is spent on cars
I will never spend his money on myself unless I but something second hand or damaged in a clearance sale,I always give him all the money I have and I only spend what I need to on our weekly grocery shopping,even my daughters toys and clothes are all second had from car boots or charity shops

I booked us a holiday (out of my money)as I thought this would bring us closer together and make him love me again and we have both never been on holiday,I saved up the money and when I booked it he was not at all interested or enthusiastic even though he had never been on holiday in his life,we didn't even have a honeymoon so I thought it would be special,but whenever I would ask him if he was looking forward to it he would just say " Im not really bothered"
And the whole time until the holiday he spent on his car and then the day before we left he said he found a new car that he wanted to buy and that it was his dream car,it cost £3'000 and we couldn't afford it but I let him buy it anyway with all the money that we had including our holiday spending money,I know you will say I'm stupid but I wanted to get him his dream car so that he would be happy and enjoy the holiday with me,but as soon as we got back he was stuck to the car,once again spending more than we had and getting us into debt,and then a couple of months ago he decided his dream car was a different model and he bought that,
Even though it's a 3 door and we have a baby and I don't feel it's practical for a family car,I let him buy that as well,but I'm starting to feel like I've had enough now,I loved him so much to the point I couldn't sleep if he hadn't kissed me good night but now I am starting to feel numb towards him and it breaks my Heart everyday that I sit and wait for him to come home from work and miss him so much but he comes and eats and doesn't even notice I'm there,but don't get me wrong he is a lovely person,he's never nasty or violent towards me,he just seems like a person with no feelings,he's a great dad as well so I don't know what to do as I could never leave him,but I can't imagine myself surviving in this relationship much longer as even though I'm married I feel so alone,I just wish he could love me again,I dont want to stop loving him but I'm scared that I might already have done so

I'm sorry for the ridiculously long post,I just don't have anyone to talk to as I don't want people who know him to dislike him because of me,if I didn't have my daughter I think I might have gone mad,
When were alone I talk to her and I cry but when I get really upset she cries too and I feel bad,and she's only 21 months old,so she can't give me great advice


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## Helplease (Nov 8, 2012)

Anonymous xXx said:


> I don't really know where to start
> I've never posted on here before but I was googling to find some answers to my relationship problems and came across this forum.
> I've been married just over 3 years and I have a 1 year old,I love my husband to bits and have done so since we first got married,he is a great father and has a lovely character with everyone,every one who knows him loves him,in the beginning he showed me so much affection and made me feel really special,always made an effort on birthdays and anniversaries and would tell me I was beautiful and that I had made him the happiest man on earth.
> But as time has gone on he has slowly lost interest in me,he has no inclination towards me sexually and never says I'm beautiful or special to him in any way,I think he is gorgeous in every way,and I tell him this almost every day.
> ...


Your husband sounds very selfish. You need to get him to talk to you. I would say you need to put your foot down. If he is so damned in love with his car, let the car wash and fold his clothes, make his meals, clean the house and throw parties for him. Step back and stop being so nice, let him take care of himself. I bet he notices. Perhaps this will jar him into talking about it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You have to start taking care of yourself and stop depending on your husband to fill every need you have. He's doing what he wants to do, and so should you. He's not the keeper of your happieness. You have complete control over that yourself.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Sounds like he's using you as he knows you will do what needs to be done, regardless of how he treats you.

You know how he is treating you is wrong, so why do you let him do it?

You need to have a serious, adult discussion with him and lay down some ground rules AND CONSEQUENCES that you will follow through with.

Marriage isn't easy. It takes hard work, especially as we grow complacent with time. However, he's got to want to work at it too dumping all the responsibility in your lap is unfair and immature.


I would get your money back on that vacation and put it towards individual and marriage counseling if your serious about making changes.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Im sorry to say I dont have any advice. But I can say I know EXACTLY how you feel. Reading this was like reading a page of my own life.

My SO and I met on a dating site. Everything was great and he moved in about 2 months into the relationship (he used to live 2 hours away).

Fast forward 4 1/2 years. (And you can read my posts on here) 9 months ago, out of the blue, his EX calls (he has 2 kids with her) and says his 15 y/o daughter is out of control, has been in drug rehab, AA, has shoplifting charges pending, Battery charges pending in the city where she was in drug rehab. Has threatened her younger sibling with a hammer, etc etc. And that she cant take it anymore. Mind you the child was sent out of state when they split up (she was 4) and he had no idea where she was, so they are strangers! She cant take it anymore and the kid has to come here to live. Within the first month she was "baker acted" which means she was put into a mental facility against her wishes for 72 hours. not long after got into a fight with my 17 y/o daughter (who then almost had battery charges against her), the list goes on and on. My SO pretty much let her do whatever because he has no idea how to deal with her and i guess is too damn lazy. He sure wouldnt listen to my advice, but i have a 17 Y/O and a 22 Y/O who are both good kids.

Long story short it got to the point that i was afraid to be in my own home (it is MY home), i was afriad this kid was gonna kill me in my sleep. She was baker acted a 2nd time and I told my SO that I refused to have her back. Mind you, every time there was trouble he would tell the cops the same thing, he didnt want here here. To the point of almost being arrested for defending my daughter against his own.

I finally told him that she needed long term, in patient, help and that if she didnt go then they both needed to move out. It got to the point that when I came home from work I would go in my room and not come out till I had to go to work the next day.Weekends were spent in my room from Fri PM till Mon AM.

He refused to put her in treatment and started looking for his own place.

I was devistated, our relationship was actually improving, or so I thought.

When he moved, he moved less than a block from me, I can litterally walk there in less than 5 min.

Im still, for some unknown reason in love with him. But at the same time I want to find someone to have fun with, go out with, talk to, etc. Im not looking for a relationship,just a friend.

So....... I signed up for the same dating site where we met..... do a search of local guys and guess who came up?..... you got it, my SO, only thing is that profiles show when the person signed up. His says April.... He moved into his new place the first week in October.

I am beside myself, and hating myself at the same time. All the times we fought, he would say he wanted to be with me, would try to work on things, loved me..... and the last time he really seemed to be making an effort for once, and then to find out this...... I just dont know what to do with myself. I fight tears constantly, im a total b#$ch at work most days. Im destroyed.

So, now that ive gone on and on. The only thing I can say to you is please do something to get your sefl- confidence back. So are so much better than this. Im trying to just keep telling myself that and i know one day I will believe it! ((((HUGS))))


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

PeasNCarrots said:


> So, now that ive gone on and on. The only thing I can say to you is please do something to get your sefl- confidence back. So are so much better than this. Im trying to just keep telling myself that and i know one day I will believe it! ((((HUGS))))


OOPS! Sorry about the typo's. Hard to see through the tears... lol

What I was supposed to type was... and this bears repeating anyway.

YOU are so much better than this!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't think talk is the best course of action. I think ACTION is the best course of action. He ignores what you say, so SHOW him what your standards are. If you can use his money to buy something secondhand, use it to buy something nice for yourself and come home with a lighthearted, happy voice and say, "You bought me a nice gift today. Thank you so much!" with a big hug and kiss. 

If he complains about it, remain calm and let him know that you've taken over the duty of keeping you happy since it didn't seem to be something he's interested in, but if he changes his mind, you'll relinquish that duty back to him. You may find that he's not upset at all, but instead feels happy that you've relieved him of having to please you, while he still gets credit for having been the provider. (This is a good time to point out that understanding his Love Languages would be helpful, too.)

Don't fight over it. Use his tactics when he wants to talk - hear him out, then do what you're wishing he would do.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Anonymous xXx said:


> I don't really know where to start
> I've never posted on here before but I was googling to find some answers to my relationship problems and came across this forum.
> I've been married just over 3 years and I have a 1 year old,I love my husband to bits and have done so since we first got married,he is a great father and has a lovely character with everyone,every one who knows him loves him,in the beginning he showed me so much affection and made me feel really special,always made an effort on birthdays and anniversaries and would tell me I was beautiful and that I had made him the happiest man on earth.
> But as time has gone on he has slowly lost interest in me,he has no inclination towards me sexually and never says I'm beautiful or special to him in any way,I think he is gorgeous in every way,and I tell him this almost every day.
> ...


One thing stuck out to me. While I agree what everyone else is saying, why would you be complaining about no birthday presents and the amount of money he spends on his car, then say THIS to him when he starts talking about how it bothers him you have an old phone??? :scratchhead:

Which is it? You just made yourself sound wishy-washy, and basically was not truthful because you do care about that. Otherwise it wouldn't be bothering you.


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## Anonymous xXx (Nov 13, 2012)

DayDream said:


> One thing stuck out to me. While I agree what everyone else is saying, why would you be complaining about no birthday presents and the amount of money he spends on his car, then say THIS to him when he starts talking about how it bothers him you have an old phone??? :scratchhead:
> 
> Which is it? You just made yourself sound wishy-washy, and basically was not truthful because you do care about that. Otherwise it wouldn't be bothering you.


I'm not being untruthful,believe me I wish I was
What I mean is that I tell him that presents and money don't matter to me as I'm not a material person,but when I see him spending large amounts on his car then I think why doesnt he want to spend on me like that?am I not that special to him?is my birthday not a big deal even though it comes once a year?
But I wouldn't be upset if he didn't spend on his car as It wouldn't make me feel inferior to something that is just a piece of metal and has no feelings.
Of course I would love to be spent on and showered with gifts,who wouldnt?I'm not denying that but what I was saying is that its not part of my criteria for a husband,I don't expect that from him,but if I see him spending so much on his car and nothing on me and my daughter then it will hurt me yes.
When I tell him that he doesn't have to spend on me I am saying that he just has to love me,and that will be enough.
I do feel like going out and treating myself to a shopping spree but I can't get myself to do it because I feel bad,I know he won't get angry because he never does but it would still hurt him that I was inconsiderate .
My old phone didn't bother me until his car got £2000 spent on it in parts and then my birthday came and I got a £15 perfume,then it started to bother me.
It's about the care and thought put into our relationship in comparison to the effort, time and money put into his car,but the difference is that I love him and cook for him and look after our daughter all day(who is a handful)and dress up just before he comes home,hoping that he will notice,and hand him all my earnings,and clean the house and in return I am just asking that he loves me back,if he truly loved me then enthusiasm to do something special for me or taking interest in me would happen naturally like it does with his car.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Anonymous, you're not asking to much to be loved with the same measure you love. There's nothing unreasonable about that. 

The problem is, you don't have a man that feels like you do. He gets more than he gives and does not see or feel the need to do more. You have to make this deficiency up all on your own. He's self sufficient and can satisfy his own needs just fine. Can you do the same?



> I do feel like going out and treating myself to a shopping spree but I can't get myself to do it because I feel bad,I know he won't get angry because he never does but it would still hurt him that I was inconsiderate .


Go shopping for yourself. It's not about him. He meets his own needs, and you should be doing the same thing.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

It sounds like you're smothering him - not that it's an excuse for the way he's behaving but he doesn't need to try does he because you tell him you love him all the time without him having to do anything. 

Just try backing off for a few days, go out and do things, spend some money on yourself. You depend far too much on his validation and whatever you're doing is not working. If he notices and doesn't like it well that should be an incentive to change his behaviour. If he doesn't notice, well.....


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My narcissistic ex boyfriend confided in me that he didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me, so I left. I told him the truth, that I felt cheap and if he didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me, there was no reason for me to be with him. He said, oh but he liked me and he enjoyed me being around. I explained that wasn't good enough. I like myself too. Well enough not to put myself to the unnecessary reality of living with someone who could care less about me. Sure, he liked that I did his dishes and sometimes his mending, that I would have meals with him and listen to him and watch him and go grocery shopping with him and look at the little things he did in his day to day life that he was proud of. But let's face it, even if we love someone, it's not enough. Hanging around like a pathetic little hound dog waiting for a pat on the head just doesn't cut it. At some point it's humiliating and it doesn't matter if anyone else knows about it or not. WE know about it, and it's impossible to deny the feeling that comes with it, which is of course decidedly unhealthy. Given a choice, it's best not to expose oneself to that kind of treatment. And most of us in this day and age and world, do have a choice. I always think of all the women in other countries and other times who never had a choice. So I try to use my choice in honor of all those other women, and even men, who can't choose a respectful environment for themselves.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Homemaker you reminded me of something my ex husband said to me before we got married (boneheaded move on my part there)...

I asked him once why he loved me. Know what he said? "You're nice to me." 

Um okay. As long as I was 'nice' to him he did whatever he wanted and I was to interpret that as him loving me back. Nope. The first time I told him I loved him he didn't say anything, just half smiled at me. We had been together about 4 months.

I should have run like I was on fire in the opposite direction.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Homemaker you reminded me of something my ex husband said to me before we got married (boneheaded move on my part there)...
> 
> I asked him once why he loved me. Know what he said? "You're nice to me."
> 
> ...


My ex boyfriend was better. I think because I was so honest and forthright, and mentioned that one of the African deity statues in his home (his family traveled to Africa a lot as a kid) was the Face of Truth, he couldn't bear to be dishonest and blurted out that he didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me. I mean, at least he had the decency or guilt to be disturbed by what he wasn't feeling, and to let me know, even though his intent was to make himself feel better. He was really upset that I left after he told me this. When I left even though he tried to provoke me to anger by saying some stupid stuff, I told him he was acting like an ass and he had his head in his hands. A few minutes later while I was on the road apparently he posted on facebook "well that's it" and waited for people to ask him what was wrong, then he posted "I guess honestly is not the best policy after all, I learned the hard way" It was like after 1 a.m.! The next few minutes after that he posted his profile on Match.com. His whole view of being honest didn't include the consequences, he really thought I would see him through that like I would see him through any other personal crisis. I told him after he wasn't attracted to me because he was depressed, and how could he love anyone when he doesn't even like himself. He knows he is depressed, he went off his meds and used instead me and pot. I kinda feel sorry for him but not sorry enough to help him, actually I feel so bad for him because I know the best way to help him is not to help him. To feel competent and like a man, he has to peel himself off the floor and get himself back on his feet on his own. Anyone who helps him he will lose respect for, because he knows the way he acts he's not worth helping, and people who put up with that stuff are pathetic and delusional.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Anonymous xXx - Buy yourself an iPhone.

No one can make you happy besides you. Stop relying on your spouse to make you happy.

And read up on the 180. If he has withdrawn his love and emotional support towards you, you have to do the same. Its the only thing that will get through to him.

He has no motivation to be loving towards you. You allow him to treat you like s**t and still do everything around the house and for your child.

How would he feel if you stopped buying him presents? Stopped making his favorite foods?

Start taking ownership of your own happiness and building a happy life for yourself and your daughter. He may find that he wants to be in on it.

Work on your relationships with other women and other moms. He has his cars - get interested in your own hobby. What do YOU like to do? Focus more on yourself. Get a manicure, get a massage, do something that you enjoy. If you don't treat yourself right, why should he?

Are you scared to stop showering love on him? How much worse can it get?


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