# Considering divorce



## msimon (Sep 6, 2015)

My husband and I are 25 we have been together since we were 16 and next week will make our one year anniversary. I am fairly certain that I want a divorce but I can't seem to get past the guilt that he has no one but me and our 2 kids. My husband is a very lazy nan. I work 10 hr shifts and I have to come home and do my homework, deal with the kids, cook, clean etc while he works two hours a day and either sleeps or play the game constantly. There are so many issues that should be talked about but he chooses not to discuss anything and when he is no longer angry the arguments are never discussed. I am at the end of my rope and I am afraid that I will wakebup 10 yrs from now Wondering what the hell happened to my life. I care for my husband but I am ko longer in love with him. My parents and siblings are starting to take notice if my unhappiness as well as my kids. How do I ask for a separation or divorce with someone so immature? Please help the kids are gone n i need to speak with him about this asap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What kind of job does your husband have that he works only 2 hours a day?

I can understand why you want a divorce. 

Where things this bad a year ago when you married him? It sounds like they were, so why did you marry him then?

You have a few choices here. 

If you are done with the marriage, just file for divorce. Ask him to leave. You cannot really kick him out of the marital home as it's his legal residence. So if he will not leave, as the court to kick him out.

You move out with your children to a different place or to live with a family member for while. That way he can deal with where he's going to live.

Or try to talk to him one more time. But this time be firm. Have divorce papers. You can probably find some on the interent that you can put your names on, etc. Then tell him that unless he agrees to get a job in 30 days, start helping to support the family and do 50% of the housework, child care, etc. you are divorcing him. You will also need him to go to counseling with you and do the work needed to save your marriage.

There are two books that I think it would help you to have him read with you and do the work they say to do: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Work on the Love Busters book first so that both of you stop love busting. Then start meeting each other's needs.

If he will not do all that, just file for divorce. If he starts and then stops it after a few weeks/months, file. Don't even tell him your doing it. Just do it and have him served.

People like your husband seldom change. If they do, it's usually because they suddenly realize that they are about to lose everything. But even that does not move most.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You talk about him being angry... does he yell a lot? Put you down, etc?


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## msimon (Sep 6, 2015)

Yes he does say horrible things as do I...it seems that we bring the worst out of each other. Unfortunately this has been going on long before we married. I however believed that he would change. Thanks for all ur advice. I have told him I wanted a separation...now I don't know what to do but in the back of my mind is relief


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You really have to tell us more. Was he always like this. Did he ever work more. You say he has no one but you. That sounds like youre sorry for him. People rarely change. So dont expect that. You have your family what do they say.


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## Jenny Anderson (Sep 2, 2015)

People rarely change. So I support you to divorce. Don't expect people to change for you unless you change for others. If you can't, then let this unhappy relationship go.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'll tell ya, people rarely change, but it DOES happen. The thing is, it won't happen unless they are really forced to make that choice one way or another.

First and foremost I think you need to deliver him a wake-up call. I'm sure you've complained to him before, I'm sure you've gone your best to communicate to him how big of a deal these issues have become, but the reality is that it hasn't gotten through to him yet. Why? I'd bet it's because you're still there, he still gets to be lazy and play video games all day. So what needs to happen is that it needs to be made CRYSTAL CLEAR to him that his marriage is at a crossroads and he needs to make a decision NOW on which direction it will take, or you will make that decision for him. Being lazy, verbally abusive, not contributing to the household/family, etc. will no longer be tolerated, period. He needs to understand that this isn't a vague threat, you aren't asking him nicely here, you aren't begging him, you are explaining to him that at this point you want a divorce because you don't believe he will change. None of this is up for discussion, there is nothing he can do to defend his position, or explain away his behavior.

Then there needs to be some instant ramification. If you really want to deliver this message loud and clear, you could just file for divorce on your own and hand him the divorce papers, along with letting him know that it won't be final for another X months (you might look up how long it takes in your state) so if he wants to make some serious changes in his life, he'll have some time to PROVE it to you. Not using his words to try to convince you he will change, but actually SHOWING you that he can. The gut reaction from someone facing this situation is to resort to damage control, to try to convince you that he'll fix his problems and sweep them under the rug. You'll just have to remain firm and make clear that he can't convince you of anything now, that his only option (if he chooses to) will be to prove it over the course of time. In that meantime, you'll go on with your life and live how you please. You won't be waiting for him to change, or prodding him, or begging or asking. It will have to be 100% on him if he is going to change.

Or of course, he can elect not to. If he doesn't really care for you the way you thought he did, he might just decide to accept the divorce and go on being a lazy bum on his own. Honestly the best thing about this approach is that , one way or the other, you'll be better off for it. You'll either get a reformed husband, or you'll be rid of a deadbeat who didn't care for you anyway so you can go find someone new who will.


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