# Is there hope from the damage of porn?



## Andy101

I have been posting a line of events on othe r threads and feeling that many people do not fully get the damage that porn can do. My wife has had her faults too in our marriage but I couldn't quite give the marriage more than 50% of myself. My wife asked me yesterday what exactly I was looking at. I told her the free site I was using and that it was all I looked at. She feels that there has been too much damage in the marriage and all she can think about is me moving out and buying my share of the house. I tell her how I am feeling and what I am doing to get help. She knows how remorsful I am and can see how much better I am with the kids but its an emotional rollercoaster and she can struggles to be around me in the house. She has gone to her mothers this weekend with the kids as she wanted some space from me. I said good because the atmosphere was unbearable. She seemed surprised that I was ok with that although she knows that I will miss the kids. She is hurting so badly and is so angry with me. Understandably too. I want to know what I can do right now that would be positive to the marriage. I cannot change her feelings about me but feel I need to do something. I want reassurances from her that we can get through this as I am scared of loosing everything. The guilt and realisation of what I have done is almost too much to take. The doctor even asked me if I had any thoughts of killing myself! My wife has not spoken to any professional yet. She just feels that she wasn't enough for me which isn't true. What steps should I take right now? I just want to do what is right for us all.


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## EleGirl

Here are some web sites that might help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oFVOJf0TzY

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/rewired-how-pornography-affects-the-human-brain#/

Have you looked into a therapist who is also a sex therapist? They can help you work through stopping your porn use. It is completely doable.


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## Andy101

I have an assessment in a weeks time with a therapist. My doctor has found some specialist clinics that may help. The fear of loosing my wife is overiding my ability to think about porn or healing right now. She is so angry and wanting to kick me out that she is not dealing with the hurt and just wants a quick fix. I opened a journal from a road trip we did when we got married and found naked photos I took of my wife on out honeymoon. I had to hide them because right now I am scared of any temptation. Is this normal?


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## Blondilocks

Was the site she asked you about a porn site?


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## Pluto2

You cannot fix yourself overnight, and without ever going to IC. I know you have some future counseling scheduled. 

And are you still looking at porn, just the free porn you can find on-line? And did you do this in the house, the same one your W is keen to sell? Think this might have something to do with her anger?


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## Andy101

I am not looking at porn and walk away from any nudity or sex scenes on tv. I cannot stand it anymore for what it has taken from me. I did look at porn whilst in our house but also looked at in whilst sitting in the car. She says she is no longer angry but dead inside and has no feelings left for me. I think the anger is still there but other feels have come to the surface. Her father used to call her fat as a child and she has had breast enlargements and always concious of her figure. My porn habit has not helped at all. She just blanks me or looks mad and avoids me if possible around the house. Feel like crap and guilty for what I have done and Don't know if she will ever forgive me let alone not divorce me. I need a plan to save this family.


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## jorgegene

Although I believe in the descructive nature of porn, I think her reaction is a bit overly so based on the little you say.

really? She catches you with porn and wants divorce without giving you a chance at therapy
or pornANON? A bit much unless there are other factors issues, or unless she has given you too many chances already.


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## lifeistooshort

jorgegene said:


> Although I believe in the descructive nature of porn, I think her reaction is a bit overly so based on the little you say.
> 
> really? She catches you with porn and wants divorce without giving you a chance at therapy
> or pornANON? A bit much unless there are other factors issues, or unless she has given you too many chances already.


You should read his other threads where he admits to going from the honeymoon to porn and neglecting his wife. 

There is indeed more to the story.

Andy, I think it's great that you've faced your issue.....you are undoubtedly a better man for it. 

Whether she can move beyond is her issue..... I'm not sure you can do more then you've done. This may not be salvagable. 

Let her go and maybe she'll miss you. She can't miss you while you're up her arse.

She may be struggling with why it took her walking and it affecting your life before you dealt with it. Many women feel like this, that it's not important to their happiness but as soon as hubby's life is affected then he cares. Then she feels like it's all about you. 

There's a good article you might read but I don't know how to link on my phone. Google "I've done everything she wants, why won't she come back".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Andy101 said:


> I agree that the porn damaged my marriage and have come to terms that it controlled me by making me prefer it over my wife. It became easy to go and get off on porn than make an effort to be romantic and have intimacy with her.


From your other thread, as a wife who goes through this too- it hurts. Not being chosen over images on a screen and their hand feels.... pathetic. 
You stop feeling like a woman, sexy, confident. 
Even now if he "picks" me, I know it's because he thinks he has to and not because he prefers the real thing (and all the work that goes with it) 

She likely shut off and walled up any chance of feeling sexual or intimate with you. That's hard to break through.

I think you guys could fix it if she was willing. You could try something like this How One Spouse Can Lead the Other Back to Intimacy
But if she's closed off and not willing to try then there is no point IMO.


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## cons

Andy-

Please keep doing your work....become a man of integrity regardless of the outcome with your wife. T

However, if you want to stay married, have your actions reflect that...be ALL in. If divorce/separation is brought up, respond with "That is not an option I choose to consider, I choose US" or something to that effect, to let her know your intentions. She has to take actions based off her intentions, not expect you to do it for her. Which means- do not move out of the house, set up counseling and go (even if she doesn't)...

If I could talk with your wife, I would tell her that it is best to make impactful decisions after the emotions have run their course for awhile (perhaps 6 months and with the help of a counselor).

I can understand the "extreme-ness" of the emotions your wife is feeling... I am the wife of a sex addict...and I have been where she many times... it does feel devastating, hurtful, awakens the insecurities.

If you're truly willing to work on this and make your marriage great, your wife will need to establish some boundaries (and consequences if those boundaries are violated). I hope that you have been able to deposit enough positives in your marriage that can offset this rather big negative...

Best of luck to you both!


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## Evinrude58

Stop seeking reassurance. Drives them away faster than anything else. They have to choose to stay. If you even try to talk to her about it, she'll think you're manipulating her.

ALL you can do is be a better man, and hope she thaws and chooses to stay married.
You yourself can do absoluteley nothing.


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## Blondilocks

I don't understand why you would choose to look at porn with your wife in the house when you were trying to get her to let you stay?
It's not like you didn't know she was adverse to the junk. Just sounds like shyte for brains.

Why don't you outline some reasons why your wife would be better off with you? Because off the top of my head I can think of a half-dozen why she would be better off without you.

What type of job do you think you can get if your wife kicks you out? Be aware that the companies monitor their employees' computer usage so don't think you can get your fix at work.


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## Corpuswife

There is always hope! However, its not JUST the porn that may be bothering her.

It's the rejection that she felt, possibly over years, when you didn't give her the time; energy or sex/attention that she was hoping. It could have been anything that took up space in your already busy lives. However, an addiction is different.

Porn (addictions in general) are more than likely some way of coping with your life. Possibly learned in childhood/teen/young adult that this was a way coping. It felt good and gave you instant relief-for awhile. Then, you needed it more frequently. Without it, stress and anxiety built up; you feel ashamed. Its a cycle.

Often with addictions, it's a catalyst that tosses you in another direction. The catalyst can be legal, medical, relationship issues, etc. Yours catalyst ,that is waking you up, is your wife wanting out (relationship).

What can you do? Much. Be consistent. Be confident. Be friendly. 

It's seems you are already reaching out for help and you seem very humble. Good. Don't forget therapy to unlock the root of your addiction. SAA for live support is helpful.
I am not sure if you are spiritual or believe in God, but there is value in that if you do-seek it out if you wish. 

This is a journey and not an overnight thing.

Kuddos to you, for wanting to save your family! I wish you the best.....Hugs to you. No person is perfect. We all make mistakes. It's how you make amends and do better for yourself and loved ones.


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## Evinrude58

I would urge you to stop the porn and force yourself to be pleasant, take on a new hobby, work a second job...... Anything to keep yourself absolutely to dang busy to worry about such things and get your mind off your troubles at home. Honestly, your wife is incapable of "giving you another chance". That's not how it works. Her resolve to leave you will hopefully weaken if she is happier and less stressed because you're working harder, not doing porn, seeking counseling, and showing yourself to be a different person. Perhaps you will be lucky enough that circumstances will keep her at home with you long enough. 

I am telling you from experience that you should NEVER seek reassurance or even act interested in reconciliation. She knows you are! You don't have to tell her or ask her things about her being interested. 

You need to accept that your wife is gone. If you can do that, it will be your best chance at reconciling, and if she won't choose to reconcile it will be the best for moving forward.


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## Marduk

Andy101 said:


> The problems have been around for many years. My wife has always been a capable but controlling woman. She is very hot and I just fell for her and married her after a year. After our honeymoon. She found a lad magazine in my workshop and accused me if getting off on other women. She wanted to call it a day then and we nearly anulled the marriage. She soon took me back when the place I found was sharing with another woman. She has always been very jelous even though I have never given her cause. After 5 years of marriage, 1 daughter and friction between us as she didn't feel wanted as I played guitar in a band, she wanted a separation. I moved out reluctantly and hoped we could work things out. She then decided to date different men, do cocaine and treat me like a servant and baby sitter when she wanted to go out. After loosing 4 stone and suffering the most difficult 9 months, I met a woman and decided to go on a date. My wife was not happy and the day after wanted to reconcile the marriage as I had become trim and more attractive to her. She then wanted to complete our family with a second child. Everything was ok except our sex life was dead. I started watching porn of all kinds on these sites, from latina babes to grandpa with teenagers. ( this is that has sickened her the most). I just went through the menu and looked at everything. She didn't find out and our sexual needs were met as she masturbated too. We had replaced each other by going solo because we were both too tired with two young children. We have had our ups and downs like most couples but she doesn't like me havung any hobbies or destractions from the family and this has caused problems as I have always written music.
> The problems with my daughter were that her behaviour was getting out of control. She would shout at me. Run to her mother if I refused to let her have something. The crux came when she was hysterical and I smacked her bum. She was holding a pen next to her side and it stabbed me in the hand. At this point my wife couldn't deal with us both and wanted me out. It blew over. I then pulled my daughters arm one day when she was being rude to me and told her off. She went to her mother and told her I had hit her. Again, I was told to leave. It blew over as I agreed counselling in the home. It worked great and we discovered that my daughtet was being bullied at school. This brought us all closer as a family as we dealt with the problem. Then we went to lapland......
> My wife has always been a very sexual woman in her head but never shared it. I found that she too had been looking at photos of naked women online recently but she never told me. She has secrets I eould never know. A few months ago I found that she had been flirting with a family friend on messenger! I think he started it byt she went along with it. When we had seperated before, she would send bikini snaps of herself to other guys to feel wanted. I on the other hand am quite shy and like a quiet life. I have never cheated taken drugs, flirted with other women. I just looked at porn.
> Please ask if I missed anything


What am I missing here, she sounds like a nut.


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## Andy101

Well I went to see the solicitor today who reassured me that she can't kick me out, run away with the kids, verbally abuse me or treat me unfairly. Cool.
She approached me tonight and we spoke about the situation and she wants a divorce and I will be getting a letter from her lawyer. She said that we couldn't continue like this and that if she stayed with me it would be out of guilt and feeling sorry for me! As soon as I accepted what she was saying, she changed and became pleasant and friendly. She's not happy that I won't be moving out for a while but I agreed to keep paying my share of the mortgage for the kids sake and to have a stake in the house. She told me that she is done with men and won't ever have another relationship. I don't believe her. Strange dynamics going on now and I can't actually believe it could now be over. She said that who knows how we would feel about each other in years to come. What should I do here?


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## Evinrude58

Andy101 said:


> Well I went to see the solicitor today who reassured me that she can't kick me out, run away with the kids, verbally abuse me or treat me unfairly. Cool.
> She approached me tonight and we spoke about the situation and she wants a divorce and I will be getting a letter from her lawyer. She said that we couldn't continue like this and that if she stayed with me it would be out of guilt and feeling sorry for me! As soon as I accepted what she was saying, she changed and became pleasant and friendly. She's not happy that I won't be moving out for a while but I agreed to keep paying my share of the mortgage for the kids sake and to have a stake in the house. *She told me that she is done with men and won't ever have another relationship*. I don't believe her. Strange dynamics going on now and I can't actually believe it could now be over. *She said that who knows how we would feel about each other in years to come. What should I do here?*


First statement is utter BS. IF you leave and you divorce, she'll have another man within the year. She has her skeletons in the closet, I suspect, as well. One is that she's crazy as hell.

What should you do? GO to work, get another job, dress better, work out, stay the hell off porn, detach, see if this marriage is what you really want. If it is, work for it. 

One thing: if you push her and ask for reassurance and talk to her constantly--- I guarantee you she will move out and be gone.

DO NOT KEEP INTERACTING WITH HER! Work on yourself. If she wants you, make her come to you. But if she does, give her the best you that you can.

It's a self-improvement and waiting game, now.

She does sound pretty crazy to me. Cocaine and other dudes? Crazy.


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## jorgegene

yes, it was only a few months ago she was flirting with a family friend and sending out bikini shots to random men. she's not 'done with men' by a long shot.

buddy, everybody is right here. you need to work on yourself and seek a new life for her sake and yours. good luck and i mean that.


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## emuna

I am dealing with this issue as well. You are not alone in this


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## Justsayin4897

Why is it that the porn was more important then your wife??


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Spotthedeaddog

lifeistooshort said:


> You should read his other threads where he admits to going from the honeymoon to porn and neglecting his wife.
> There is indeed more to the story.



Aye, but is there really any relationship recovery space from "feel dead about you" land?

I can't see it being any good in the long term - a lot of work, and lot of water under the bridge, but really don't see any gain for it.

Sadly "too much porn" in a relationship that apparently was particularly charged on both side to begin, isn't a path to making love grow - so unless they both have a determination for political office or "to unite the assets/future of both families" type of arrangement it sounds like it's pretty much "cold coals".

Sad to say it, but somethings just can't be undone, a word can't be unsaid, or a bullet unfired. Sometimes doing something like obsessive porn destroys things - that is why it is bad, not because "some stuck up people don't like it" but because some people get addicted and like any addiction it can wreck people's lives. Human brains are just like that, there is no magic make everything better movie ending, no restore from save point; as many of on TAM have found we just have to put our lives make together and move on - because that's what live is, moving on; hopefully not to repeat the mistakes of the past.


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## jimrich

Andy101 said:


> I have been posting a line of events on othe r threads and feeling that many people do not fully get the damage that porn can do. My wife has had her faults too in our marriage but I couldn't quite give the marriage more than 50% of myself. My wife asked me yesterday what exactly I was looking at. I told her the free site I was using and that it was all I looked at. She feels that there has been too much damage in the marriage and all she can think about is me moving out and buying my share of the house. I tell her how I am feeling and what I am doing to get help. She knows how remorsful I am and can see how much better I am with the kids I wonder just how the parents can be so ignorant of how they are damaging their kids in a troubled marriage?
> but its an emotional rollercoaster and she can struggles to be around me in the house. She has gone to her mothers this weekend with the kids as she wanted some space from me. I am sure that will do the kids some good as well!
> I said good because the atmosphere was unbearable. I'd guess mostly for the defenseless kids
> She seemed surprised that I was ok with that although she knows that I will miss the kids. She is hurting so badly and is so angry with me. Understandably too. Imagine how the innocent kids must feel about the war between their parents!
> I want to know what I can do right now that would be positive to the marriage. I'd start with either therapy for you and/or marriage counseling.
> I cannot change her feelings about me but feel I need to do something. You need to do something to STOP DAMAGING your kids most of all.
> I want reassurances from her that we can get through this as I am scared of loosing everything. The guilt and realisation of what I have done is almost too much to take. Imagine, if you can, how your kids must feel!
> The doctor even asked me if I had any thoughts of killing myself! My wife has not spoken to any professional yet. She just feels that she wasn't enough for me which isn't true. What steps should I take right now? Go for help - anywhere you can find it. I'd start with a therapist or counselor FOR YOU. I just want to do what is right for us all. Focus on the needs of your kids and that alone will show you what has to be done - ASAP!


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