# Confront Lying Ex Wife, or save my breath?



## Todi

Hi. I've been divorced now for a couple of months and we are settling into our post marriage lives. We have two small children together and split custody. 

Two weeks ago, my ex asked if I could take the kids on my off weekend so she could pick up an extra shift. This puts me three weekends in a row, but I figured I'd help out. 

Something seemed off when she dropped the kids off, not unlike the feeling I'd get when we were married and she was telling less than the truth. 

I decide to check up on her story and find out that she wasn't at work after all. I have no idea what she was actually doing and don't think I actually care. I'm just miffed that she lied to me about why she needed me to take the kids. Like her weekend plans are more important than mine... And lying about work is better than just asking if I could take the kids?

Is it worth my time to confront her about it? Or just let it slide and not be so cavalier about helping in the future. I'd be happy to help but refuse to be lied to like I was in our marriage. WTF can't she just tell me the truth!?


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## Bibi1031

Because cheaters are liars. They come together. 

Yes, don't be so cavalier next time she asks and tell her your busy. Or if you want the kids more time with you, then keep them and enjoy more time with them. It's not worth confronting her. Let her keep thinking she can lie to you. She's the fool, not you.

Bibi


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## Marc878

Obviously lying to you has worked well for her in the past. Why stop now???

I don't believe in constant conflict and if you like keeping the kids great.

But this is your problem. What's wrong with expecting honesty???? Do you like being taken for granted????

It's your life too. Why don't you try standing up for yourself and see how that works for a change????


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## Omego

Todi said:


> Is it worth my time to confront her about it?


Nope, it's not.Not your wife anymore, not your problem. Just a waste of energy. Next time if you can't do it, don't adjust your schedule. One the other hand, you get to spend extra time with your children so that's the upside of her dishonesty.


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## Chuck71

No use confronting.... she may tell you the truth but it would be purely accidental. 

If you have no plans, take the kids, document it for possible future use.

If you do.... tell her no. Let her find a sitter.

Always have a cool idea you could do with the kids. Post the pics for 1-proof you had them, 2-one day your XW 

will wake up and realize.... she missed out on her kids growing up


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## Cooper

I think your looking at the scenario with too much resentment. If you had no plans what's the big deal? Take your kids when you can. You said you don't think you care what she was doing but obviously you do, you wasted your energy trying to figure out what she was up to. There's no end reward to this except having more time with your kids. You are divorced she can screw around all she wants, documenting will do nothing but waste your time, do you think a judge will grant you full custody because she has you watch the kids a couple of extra weekends? What she does with her life is none of your business, you don't get to ask, unless you suspect she is putting the kids in harms way. 

If she were to tell you she was going away with some guy would you have taken the kids? Or would you have tried to punish her and said no? Who's the winner in that scenario?


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## Chuck71

Cooper said:


> I think your looking at the scenario with too much resentment. If you had no plans what's the big deal? Take your kids when you can. You said you don't think you care what she was doing but obviously you do, you wasted your energy trying to figure out what she was up to. There's no end reward to this except having more time with your kids. You are divorced she can screw around all she wants, documenting will do nothing but waste your time, do you think a judge will grant you full custody because she has you watch the kids a couple of extra weekends? What she does with her life is none of your business, you don't get to ask, unless you suspect she is putting the kids in harms way.
> 
> If she were to tell you she was going away with some guy would you have taken the kids? Or would you have tried to punish her and said no? Who's the winner in that scenario?


Documentation is for future use if ex spouse wishes to go for FC or increased child support.


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## Pluto2

If you can spend more time with your kids, that's fabulous for you and them.

As for the lying, she is not your spouse any longer. So treat her like anyone else in your life that you knows lies to you.


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## Todi

Great advice. 

Definitely love the time with my girls. I still would have taken them if she hadn't lied and just didn't tell me specifically what she was doing. Assuming my schedule was free. 

But you are all right. I don't think the confrontation would make anything better. Except maybe making me feel better about it for two seconds. It couldn't possibly make future interactions better. 

I'll keep it in my pocket incase she ever tries to guilt me into changing my schedule so she can "work" in the future.


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## 6301

Hey friend. You got the better deal when you got the kids. Let her go and do what ever. In the long run she'll have her regrets.


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## the guy

What you do need to look into is who the hell is the mother of your children hanging out with on the weekends and is it a bad influence for the kids.

I don't like the fact that your kids have a mother that can't be honest with the kids father. I mean is your kids mother heading in a unhealthy relationship that would indanger the kids?

Granted I respect the fact that she isn't bringing the kids around her new activities.....but one has to ask way?

I suggest you lay low and do what you can to gather as much intel as you can......at the end of the day the kids are with her half the time and her new weekend activities could roll into the weekday, when in fact the kids are around.

In short...what is she doing on the weekend that she has to lie about and #2 why is it so addicting that she can't spend every other weekend on her new activity when it's your weekend?

From a coparenting stand point it should be concerning.

Best case here is she start dating a wealthy gentlemen who likes to travel on the weekends.

Worst case here is she started dating a child molester who likes heroin.


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## soccermom2three

Just think of it as you get to spend more time with your kids. My future ex-SIL does the same thing with my BIL. He just finds fun things to do with the kids.


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## Todi

the guy said:


> Best case here is she start dating a wealthy gentlemen who likes to travel on the weekends.
> 
> Worst case here is she started dating a child molester who likes heroin.


I already came to terms with this before the divorce and it was the biggest thing that made me try so hard in my marriage. I no longer have an influence on who she chooses to date and eventually bring into their lives (until it become a detriment to them.)

I'm not interested in trying to control her in her "new Life" and realized a LONG time ago that controlling another adult human being is impossible. I actually hope she does find someone amazing though. For both her and my kids. Trust me though, I'll be prepared to deal with the alternative where it comes to my kids!

What I do need to control is how we treat each other moving forward in our co-parenting relationship. That's where the lying seems Rude, if nothing else. Especially since it was unnecessary. She'll never learn about "breaking trust."


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## Todi

Cooper said:


> If she were to tell you she was going away with some guy would you have taken the kids? Or would you have tried to punish her and said no? Who's the winner in that scenario?


If she had just asked if I could take the girls because "She had plans", I actually probably would have. Especially if I had no other plans. I thought we were moving towards that type of co-parenting relationship. Where we could help each other out on occasion.

But I think one of the best comments so far is that I have to treat her like any other person in my life that is known to be a liar. Just kind of disappointed I guess.


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## jsmart

Don't even bother. She's you ex and no longer you're to bother with other than co-parenting issues. Concentrate on being a good dad and get your life going. Once you detach and can enjoy other people in your life, you won't care about digging in her personal life.


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## Nomorebeans

I've caught my ex of about three months in more lies than I can count on one hand since our divorce. And that was all in the first month. Consequently, I don't ask him any questions that don't relate directly to our son, and I don't ever believe a single word that comes from his pie hole. He's responsible with our son and is trying to be a regular, involved (almost too much so) part of his life, so I don't worry about the lies anymore. 

As many others have said, there's no point in confronting her. She's proven that she'll lie to protect herself, and she's the only one that matters. What such a person has to say in her own defense really isn't worth diddly.


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## JohnA

Hi,

Keeping it in your pocket great ideal. Just keep documenting.

What were the trems of your divorce? Esp custody and child support? See where I an going with this?


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## Hopeful Cynic

Todi said:


> If she had just asked if I could take the girls because "She had plans", I actually probably would have. Especially if I had no other plans. I thought we were moving towards that type of co-parenting relationship. Where we could help each other out on occasion.
> 
> But I think one of the best comments so far is that I have to treat her like any other person in my life that is known to be a liar. Just kind of disappointed I guess.


That's the same sort of co-parenting relationship I ended up with. My ex still lies to me, even though I can't figure out what there is to gain from it over just telling me the truth. My conclusion is that some people just regularly lie to get what they want and that's all there is to it. I've gotten to the point where I don't really care what the reason is or if I know it or not. I just take the kids and plan something interesting. Even more fun than on a normal weekend with me, if I can pull it off, to take their minds off feeling unwanted.

More food for thought: On rare occasions when I ask the ex to take the kids for me, I get a lot of questions about what I'll be up to. So obviously, my ex thinks a respectable reason is important for these exchanges of time, and that's incentive to lie to me.

My guess is that your ex thinks you might say no if she tells the truth, and then she won't get the weekend away from the kids that she is hoping for.

I think you are looking at it this the right way though. Your ex is a proven liar. So whatever explanation she gives you for anything is going to be suspect, even when it is the truth. Just shrug, take the kids, and enjoy the extra time.


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## Chuck71

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That's the same sort of co-parenting relationship I ended up with. My ex still lies to me, even though I can't figure out what there is to gain from it over just telling me the truth. My conclusion is that some people just regularly lie to get what they want and that's all there is to it. I've gotten to the point where I don't really care what the reason is or if I know it or not. I just take the kids and plan something interesting. Even more fun than on a normal weekend with me, if I can pull it off, to take their minds off feeling unwanted.
> 
> More food for thought: On rare occasions when I ask the ex to take the kids for me, I get a lot of questions about what I'll be up to. So obviously, my ex thinks a respectable reason is important for these exchanges of time, and that's incentive to lie to me.
> 
> My guess is that your ex thinks you might say no if she tells the truth, and then she won't get the weekend away from the kids that she is hoping for.
> 
> I think you are looking at it this the right way though. Your ex is a proven liar. So whatever explanation she gives you for anything is going to be suspect, even when it is the truth. Just shrug, take the kids, and enjoy the extra time.


Call up and ask her to take the kids, when she plays 20Q tell her "I do not like where this conversation

is headed.... forget it." When she calls you to take the kids.... start the 20Q to her.

We teach people how to treat us. Granted if you want to take the kids anytime you can....

just overlook her crudeness. I had a step son and he was over 21 but right after our D, XW asked me to

help her and her son find a car for him. "I would be happy to help my W and stepson find a car.....

but I no longer have a W and stepson. Besta luck..."

I would not have thrown step son under the bus but he was kicked out (mutual agreement) for

stealing from US a couple years prior.


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## Todi

Quick Update.

Decided not to "confront" my ex even though I tossed the idea around all weekend. This morning I decided to send her a message that went something like this.

"Hey. Just wanted to let you know that even if you didn't have to work sometime you could still ask me to take the kids. I'm hoping we could help each other out sometimes and I know you don't get many actual days Off."

I figured this lets me accomplish two goals. If she thinks about it, she'll know I know she didn't work. However, rather than building tension and hostility I was hoping to foster the co-parenting relationship I want to have rather than the one being forced upon me. 

It also opens things up for me to request the same thing if I need a schedule change in the future. And hopefully in the future she doesn't feel the need to lie...

I also feel relieved of the tension of the weekend and having to hold that inside.

She responded with a "Thank you for that!" And stated that she definitely willing to "help each other out."

Here's to hoping!

Thanks for all the advice!


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## ihatethis

It's not worth it. It's her life now, and you can choose to help or not, I mean the bonus is you get to see your kids. But, if you bring it up, it will just cause an unnecessary argument and stress. You got out of it for a reason, now enjoy it


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## Sammy64

Todi said:


> Quick Update.
> 
> Decided not to "confront" my ex even though I tossed the idea around all weekend. This morning I decided to send her a message that went something like this.
> 
> "Hey. Just wanted to let you know that even if you didn't have to work sometime you could still ask me to take the kids. I'm hoping we could help each other out sometimes and I know you don't get many actual days Off."
> 
> I figured this lets me accomplish two goals. If she thinks about it, she'll know I know she didn't work. However, rather than building tension and hostility I was hoping to foster the co-parenting relationship I want to have rather than the one being forced upon me.
> 
> It also opens things up for me to request the same thing if I need a schedule change in the future. And hopefully in the future she doesn't feel the need to lie...
> 
> I also feel relieved of the tension of the weekend and having to hold that inside.
> 
> She responded with a "Thank you for that!" And stated that she definitely willing to "*help each other out*."
> 
> Here's to hoping!
> 
> Thanks for all the advice!



I have heard that before..


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## turnera

I believe in honesty with people. I try to tell people what I think. So, yes, in your case, I'd let her know that you felt something was off so you checked up and found out she'd lied to you. And that you have no intention of intruding in her life but wanted her to know that you will be MUCH more likely to help her out in the future with such things, if she'd only be honest. That if you keep catching her lying to you, you'll just stop helping.


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## Bibi1031

boltam said:


> Was this an intended pun?


No pun intended.:wink2:

Bibi


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## Hardtohandle

Do not confront..

Think ahead...

3 weekends in a row ? How many overnights is that ? 

Nutshell make it 4 overnights over a regular basis.. STFU and try to slowly make it Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Or Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday.. 

Do this for months.. Use your phone options to timestamp the pics.. Let your family know they are with you.. Memorialize this all.. 

Let her have fun with this other man ( well no longer classified as other man now, but you get it ).. 
Let them spend their weekends together.. 

Don't out her in a bad way.. Let her know she doesn't have to lie to you.. It's all good.. 

Go spend time with this guy.. I get it... Maybe one day you can do the same for me if I find someone special.. 

Let her fall into this trap.. Once it is sprung, go to family court with your evidence and get physical custody and then child support.. 

You think it isn't possible ? It is.. People like her are fvcking stupid and blind.. 

My ex wife was suzie home maker.. Until she found this other man.. She could have picked any days she WASN'T working to be with the one son she decided to see.. She chose Monday and Tuesday.. She works Mondays.. 
She wanted her weekends free for her and her boyfriend.. I told her, go you love him.. Go build your relationship with him.. Just don't toss the kids into the mix like that.. Make sure this is the man for you..

By the time she decided yes it was.. It was already too late.. I got physical custody of both kids and child support from the cheating kunt..


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## Marc878

Just my opinion. 

Life just isn't worth taking sh*t from anyone. I'm 100% honest and I expect it in return.

Period


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## dadstartingover

Hardtohandle said:


> Do not confront..
> 
> Think ahead...
> 
> 3 weekends in a row ? How many overnights is that ?
> 
> Nutshell make it 4 overnights over a regular basis.. STFU and try to slowly make it Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Or Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday..
> 
> Do this for months.. Use your phone options to timestamp the pics.. Let your family know they are with you.. Memorialize this all..
> 
> Let her have fun with this other man ( well no longer classified as other man now, but you get it )..
> Let them spend their weekends together..
> 
> Don't out her in a bad way.. Let her know she doesn't have to lie to you.. It's all good..
> 
> Go spend time with this guy.. I get it... Maybe one day you can do the same for me if I find someone special..
> 
> Let her fall into this trap.. Once it is sprung, go to family court with your evidence and get physical custody and then child support..
> 
> You think it isn't possible ? It is.. People like her are fvcking stupid and blind..
> 
> My ex wife was suzie home maker.. Until she found this other man.. She could have picked any days she WASN'T working to be with the one son she decided to see.. She chose Monday and Tuesday.. She works Mondays..
> She wanted her weekends free for her and her boyfriend.. I told her, go you love him.. Go build your relationship with him.. Just don't toss the kids into the mix like that.. Make sure this is the man for you..
> 
> By the time she decided yes it was.. It was already too late.. I got physical custody of both kids and child support from the cheating kunt..


Damn, son. That is AWESOME :grin2:

I had a similar situation. Custody was 50/50 on paper. Started off as 60/40 in my favor. Then it was "Gotta work, can you take them?" Became 70/30. More and more favors (lots of little lies). Some weeks she would see them a day and a half. Nothing consistent. This lasted about two years. 

Had to call her out a couple of times about leaving the kids alone (even on the two days she had them, she went to be with him. Cheaters are F'ing nuts). Otherwise, I glady took the kids with no complaints. More time with me, less time in a bad environment.

Her relationship with the "other man" is still going on, but it has cooled somewhat. I asked her once about making it official that I get the kids 5 days a week. That kinda scared her and woke her up a bit. Now she wants to see the kids more. Her home life seems a bit more stable. Kids are doing better. It was a very very rough two years, though.


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## Bobby5000

I would create a memo for yourself and perhaps get it notarized. People who lie can also be manipulative and you ma end up in a fight at some date so keep some ammunition for yourself.


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