# The Five Love Languages



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Okay, sign me up for the Kool-Aid. At the suggestion of a RL friend, my wife and I are finally reading The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I know there are a lot of people here who swear by it, but I'm still a little cynical about these things. How does it work? What are the success stories? Kind of most importantly, when has it not worked, and what should I be on the lookout for?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The mistake I made was trying to do this alone. His needs got met but mine didn't. LOL

That book is now collecting dust and I've taken to reading about how to find my voice. Asking for what I want directly is working better than trying to love language it out of him.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I bought the book, and it now sits on a box. I read it, considered asking him to read it, was afraid to ask him. Again, it sits on a box.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well I have a pdf... and yes I was nervous about asking him to read it as well... but I got up the nerve, told him its available to read on our phone and I would like him to read it as well. I got an.. "alright babe" lol... guess we will see if he does read it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

We had become empty nest room mates, with little intimate conversation, aversion toward physical touch and plenty of resentment about the situation. 

Looking for help, I took the collective advice here on TAM and read Dr. Chapman's book. It struct a cord with me. I could see us in the examples. I did the work sheets and enacted his theories. I knew my wife's languages were acts of service and quality time. With in a week of doing things for her and giving her my undivided attention during activities, she became very interested in what was going on. I introduced her to the book, and we were off on our new lives together. It's like we are kids in love again. 

We've read other books since and enacted plenty of new methods to revive our relationship. Has it been work? Yes. Has it been rewarding and a success? With out a doubt. 

Books like this and 'HNHN' should be prerequisites to get a marriage licence. We give them as wedding gifts now.

Life is good.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I first read it when I was in an unhealthy relationship, and found a result like Mavash did. It doesn't work if both people are not dedicated to the relationship. 

However, I think it's extremely useful for helping a couple reconnect if they are getting off-track and both value the relationship still. 

When I met my husband, I'd already read the book, and as we were getting to know each other, I told him how the book influenced my thinking. It opened a terrific discussion and we both have brought up the ideas in it occasionally over the last few years. It has given us a common vocabulary to explain ourselves when small problems arise or when one of us is feeling a little needy for some reason, and a fast way to meet those needs. 

So all in all, I'm a HUGE believer in its concepts, I think every individual who reads it can personally benefit, but I don't think it will help every relationship.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> Okay, sign me up for the Kool-Aid. At the suggestion of a RL friend, my wife and I are finally reading The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I know there are a lot of people here who swear by it, but I'm still a little cynical about these things. How does it work? What are the success stories? Kind of most importantly, when has it not worked, and what should I be on the lookout for?


Funny, I was listening to an mp3 by Dr Chapman this morning on my way to work. He is a great guy, has a great sense of humor and his ideas have helped tons of couples. When someone can find their partner's love language and learn how to make their partner feel loved using that language, I think it is obvious to all of us this is a good thing.

However, when someone is unable or unwilling to give love or receive love or both, it really doesn't matter what language is being used. Examples of this are someone who internally feels unworthy of being loved or someone who does not trust that love they give will be returned. Both these situations are going to need more than language study.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I first read it when I was in an unhealthy relationship, and found a result like Mavash did. It doesn't work if both people are not dedicated to the relationship.
> 
> However, I think it's extremely useful for helping a couple reconnect if they are getting off-track and both value the relationship still.


Yes it does take two. In our case we were perfecting the circle game. I wouldn't give her any affection, she wouldn't give me any intimacy, round and round we went. Till we broke the pattern. I can't say when the resentment would have brought us to the point of no return, but thank God, it didn't.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Yes it does take two. In our case we were perfecting the circle game. I wouldn't give her any affection, she wouldn't give me any intimacy, round and round we went. Till we broke the pattern. I can't say when the resentment would have brought us to the point of no return, but thank God, it didn't.


So how did you break the pattern?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Advocado said:


> So how did you break the pattern?


I couldn't live hating every day anymore. I understood something had to change or I was going to lose her and our dreams of our future. I came here to TAM. Read the material. Saw myself in many post and books. I realized all the thick headed righteous bs I was feeding myself was killing any chance I had to enjoy the life we worked for. I was a master at passive aggressive behavior. Total resentment for what she should know about how I felt, with out a word from me. In short, I took my head out of my butt. 

When I understood her love languages I worked on giving her those, with out any expectations of her returning anything. With in weeks she joined in the program. Like I said, thank God it wasn't too late. So was it the book that saved us or that I stop my damaging behavior? I believe it was the books that that helped me wake me up.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

It's great you read the books. Many won't - and if they can't take being told, even gently, that they may not always be in the right, I don't know how else they will learn.

It's encouraging to know that acknowledging the part we play in the negative aspects of our relationships and making an effort to do things differently can really turn things around. 

Another question, if I may. Assuming affection is your wife's love language and that you are now more affectionate, was it a chore to do this initially, and if yes, is it still a chore?

Many thanks for sharing.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I was one who wouldn't read any material. She bought relationship books over the years. I couldn't be bothered to read them. Why should I? We'll be fine. Sure, we'll just get through this phase of life and on to the next. I saw our lives as normal ups and downs of any couple involved in careers and raising children. She discussed the ideas with me. I'd read a couple of pages to placate her. Nothing resonated with me. That was it. I think that my mind set was no different than many others, that can't be coerced into it. I'd say it takes an event or chain of events, to realize that one's negativity needs to change. Unfortunately by that time it may be too late for the relationship.

Her love languages are acts of service and quality time. Acts of service comes easy for me to give her. I like to be active. I enjoy helping her about the house and getting some of her chores done before she gets to them. Of course the reward is more us time. I did have to work a bit at quality time, I'm ADD and undivided attention takes a few learned behaviors to keep going, eye contact and no distractions (close my kindle). That I still need to remind myself to keep at, I guess you could call that a chore. I haven't called it that because of the rewards I get for it (words of affirmation and physical touch).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

One more thing don't underestimate your spouse answering this quiz incorrectly. Mine answered the way he thought I wanted him to. Physical touch. And while he certainly enjoys that it's not his love language. He's totally a gift guy. 

He denies this of course. He's not into gifts he says and yet he LOVES to GIVE gifts. So when you're considering what love language your spouse has look at how they show love. Most people give what they most wish to receive.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I learned how my husband feels most loved. He learned how I feel most loved.

We love each other in the way we need to be loved...so we feel more loved.

Before we read up on this, we were loving each other the way we, ourselves, like to be loved and it just missed the point. He like acts of service, I'm all about affection. I was trying to love him with affection, he was washing my car, and we just felt unloved. lolol.

Now, it's awesome. I do for him, he is very affectionate.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I learned how my husband feels most loved. He learned how I feel most loved.
> 
> We love each other in the way we need to be loved...so we feel more loved.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

He was all about acts of service and I'm not. His acts didn't register with me the way he thought they would. And my words of affirmation didn't click with him the way I thought they would. It was as if he was speaking Arabic and me Chinese. Now we both speak each other's languages and all is good.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

We read it before we were married. 
I cant remember if it was the same author, but it did help us understand each other better.
[ Been Married 17 yrs now ]

Just my observation over the years,IMO, these languages sometimes overlap , and over time they may change.
The closer you get, the deeper you understand yourself and each other , the more things are revealed.

But ,like someone else said.
In order for it to make sense [ love language] there must be openness and honesty. Both parties must be willing.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> One more thing don't underestimate your spouse answering this quiz incorrectly. Mine answered the way he thought I wanted him to. Physical touch. And while he certainly enjoys that it's not his love language. He's totally a gift guy.
> 
> He denies this of course. He's not into gifts he says and yet he LOVES to GIVE gifts. So when you're considering what love language your spouse has look at how they show love. Most people give what they most wish to receive.





that_girl said:


> I learned how my husband feels most loved. He learned how I feel most loved.
> 
> We love each other in the way we need to be loved...so we feel more loved.
> 
> ...


Yes! If we want to know how our partner needs to be loved in order to actually feel and think they’re loved, then all we need do is observe and become aware of how they love us and love them back in the same ways.

Paradise is the place where both partners do the above plus keep expressing their love in the ways that feel most natural to them!


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> One more thing don't underestimate your spouse answering this quiz incorrectly. Mine answered the way he thought I wanted him to. Physical touch. And while he certainly enjoys that it's not his love language. He's totally a gift guy.
> 
> He denies this of course. He's not into gifts he says and yet he LOVES to GIVE gifts. So when you're considering what love language your spouse has look at how they show love. Most people give what they most wish to receive.


Obviously, I'm still working my way through it, but as I'm reading through the first few chapters I realize that we could have used this in the early years of marriage. We went round and round about how we thought we SHOULD be shown love. I was a gift guy while she was much more into service. She thought I was selfish and I couldn't understand why she was so upset when I forgot to unload the dishwasher. It took a few years for us to untangle everything, but this book would have certainly have made the transition easier.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I read the book years ago and still missed that he was a gift guy. Lol. It was my best friend who figured it out. She's a gift person too. She helped me speak "gifts" and gave me great ideas. I still hate that he's a gift guy because it's the hardest one to do and the most expensive. I wish I had known this years ago as well. I would have planned our budget better.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> I still hate that he's a gift guy because it's the hardest one to do and the most expensive. I wish I had known this years ago as well. I would have planned our budget better.


I believe this would also bug me ....as I tend to be rather frugal and I think I would resent something like this, but they say, you don't really need to spend alot of $$ for "gifts" - I guess that would depend on the person though!

*Gifts* >>>


> A gift is something that you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or "She remembered me." You must be thinking of someone to give a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter if it costs money.
> 
> Gifts need not to expensive, nor must they be given weekly. But for some individuals, their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.
> - Receiving Gifts



I think it would make marraige feel like "*work*" to have our spouses be at opposite ends of each others Love languages..... I am TOUCH & TIME and if I felt my spouse was just hanging out with me to please me & had to push himself to touch me, it would seriously bother me ALOT.... and you know we can "feel" these things.... 

My husband is Touch (& Time too)....it has always amazed me how he can literally lay with me FOR HOURS endless fingers through my hair, touching my arms, holding, closeness.....until he starts falling asleep....and I just love it, I purrr like a happy kitty....I have asked him so many times, doesn't it bother him to caress me THAT LONG, and he swears he enjoys it.... It just comes "natural" to him it seems.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I believe this would also bug me ....as I tend to be rather frugal and I think I would resent something like this, but they say, you don't really need to spend alot of $$ for "gifts" - I guess that would depend on the person though!


I've discovered the term 'gift' can take many forms when it comes to love languages. I'm frugal so money is yes an issue. My husband is happy when I pick up special treats for him at the store. If I notice he's running out of shaving cream and pick that up without him having to ask that is a gift. Wearing a dress and heels when I'm a jeans girl is a gift. A bj is a gift.  Same as a massage, happily attending one of his work events, or basically anything that involves me giving selflessly is a gift. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. It just needs to tangibly, thoughtfully say I love you. 

Many days I AM the gift because of how much effort I put into making my husband happy.


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