# am I correct in my terms of "separation"



## jleigh (Jan 9, 2010)

Lately I have been getting a lot of mixed signals from my husband as to whether he would prefer to have me as a wife or as a friend. For example, when I confront him on the issue at hand I will get a reply that he wants to go to sleep with me and wake up next to me and spend time with me (movies, dinner, etc, etc), but in the same sentence tells me he is willing to “let me go” if that is what I preferred. I feel this is contradictory. I really get the impression he wants me as his best friend, where he can share all the good parts of a marriage/relationship but forego all the bad (thus divorce me but be my best friend). Trust me I understand the concept “if you love something you want it to be happy with or without you” but I tell him I want to stay in this marriage, that I want to fight for it, while he has not fight and gives me the impression he is complacent either way (often giving me the cop out “he just wants me to be happy”). I know he loves me and I know he really cares for me but I think he is really struggling on whether he is in love with me, what that even means, and what he wants to do. I suppose this has been our situation off and on for a few years now and it is just as draining as you may imagine it to be. 

Because I find his feelings for me so ambiguous lately I have become withdrawn and find it hard to open up and talk to him. He seems so focused on our little problems that he attributes any stress and nuisance into “the bad part of marriage”. I am constantly told he thinks I have a “bad attitude” but when I mull everything over I feel like he is attributing his uncertainty in our relationship into our spats or my stress and blowing things out of proportion. I honestly don’t even understand how or why he would think our marriage is so terrible when at this point our rough spots are the common irritants of any marriage (nagging, irritability, annoyances with one another for not cleaning up…those sorts of things). I feel that any little argument always boils down to “should we stay together” and I don’t understand how my being perturbed over a dirty kitchen can be spun into that sort of thing. Does he cause me extra stress? Certainly. Do I think of leaving him every time he does? Of course not. But vice versa I think his answers would be “certainly” and “often”, respectively. Admittedly for the past year or two I have been dealing with the stress of grad school (more candidly figuring out how much I hate it and regret ever applying), but anymore I cannot even vent my stressors to him without him taking it personally and telling me he doesn’t like to be around me (I complain too much, have a bad attitude, etc). This has pretty much been the situation since I began grad school and I quickly learned after my first few semesters that it would just be easier to not discuss my stress with it at all with him. So in the past year when I do complain it’s when something is really bothering me and I just have to get it out. To be honest, he couldn’t even tell you the exact program I am enrolled in or what my research and thesis is about. He gives me the impression he doesn’t care (due to not understanding or really not caring) so I hardly to talk to him at all about things of that nature. This has spilled over to other things and increased the distance between us to where we really don’t talk as much as we could, and certainly not as easily (we used to be best friends and could talk about any stupid thing). 

Now that most of the back story is out of the way, I am curious about what others’ opinions are as to whether I am handling my present situation in the correct fashion. Due to his job, he is currently out of state for the month at a training conference. I recently told him that I want to cut all contact with him for the month (have this as our “trial separation” of sorts). He was reluctant, but I told him I would not respond to his calls or texts because I really felt that this absence may be necessary for him/us to try to get at the root of whatever the issue is. My hope is that in our “silence” we can figure out what we miss about one another and if it is superficial or something more. My question is, am I handling this in a practical way by just cutting contact? My reasoning is that if we were to split and to honestly remain friends, it’s quite likely that life will keep us so busy that a month or so would pass by where we do not contact one another with no hard feelings. So if this month goes by and by the end of it we are still constantly thinking of each other and what we miss then there is something worth fighting for. I guess even more so for me I am hoping that he finds something in me/us worth fighting for since any more he seems just as willing to let me walk out the door.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

k Ill "try"
This is all opinion.
There is no right or worng, just how you feel and what you feel you can tolerate.
I am huge believer that typically we are not really educated or prepared to deal with the complexity of relationship. 
So a professional should always be considered. If nothing else it will help draw out the truth.
What you are doing now is simply allowing a deterioration of the situation. 
(i mean in general not in the separation), you just keeping to yourself, and not including each other in whats going on is a common path to separation and divorce from what I see.

I think you need to call him to the mat. He can't have it both ways. You should not allow him to control you with anger, yelling whatever.
It time for a sit down and serious honesty session.
He needs to come clean with whats going on. Cause it is something. 
The whole separation thing will give you soem peace and time to think about what you really want. Tell him this is his time to do the same. If he wants to stay married then when he gets back you guys are going to counseling, otherwise, he can pack his things and go. Decide. Especially after being together for a long time. There's no excuse or reason to hide.

Please take all that with a grain of salt. 
Best of luck!!


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