# Considering Divorce



## geminicancer (Jan 29, 2014)

I never thought I would find myself on one of these things before but here I am. I really can not seem to find any good advice anywhere and I am going back and forth about my marriage constantly. I figure if I write it ALL out maybe I may find some real answers within myself. Here goes...

Hello to anyone reading this. I fell in love with my husband when I was only 15. We met on a high school college tour bus. He was 18 at the time. I was a very shy girl with low self-esteem but was drawn to him like a magnet. On our first date I was so excited to see him but he was acting very strange, as if he didn't want to be there which made me feel insecure.

Looking back I assume he was nervous and maybe thats why he acted the way he did. I was not sexually active at the time and could tell he was kind of bothered when I was uncomfortable with anything physical. He broke up with me shortly after. I was really sad but tried to be his friend, calling him once in a while to see how he was. 

I started to become a little less shy in general and we eventually started dating again. I tried very hard to impress him. On my 17th birthday we went to a concert with a mutual friend and he acted similar to the way he was acting on our first date. He slightly ignored me and acted as though he didn't want to be there. I felt like he didn't want me to be there. He payed more attention to our mutual friend than me. At home I ended up sobbing by the end of the night because he made me feel so unwanted or unliked. It hurt more because it was my birthday and my family and I treat each other really sweet on our birthdays. 

We had a huge falling out after that. He didn't call me for weeks and I was devastated. He basically broke up with me by not calling me or getting in contact with me. I have forgotten all of this until now. I tried very hard to forget this because I was so embarrassed by it all. 

Shortly after I left to California for college and I still did not hear from him. I thought our relationship was over and I was angry at him for ending it the way he did. When he finally did call he was super impressed that I moved to Cali and was acting really excited to speak with me. He acted as if we were still together. How could he act as if nothing was wrong after not calling me for weeks, he practically broke my heart. I began to ignore his calls and or told him to leave me alone. One day he said he was still in love with me which was a shock because I never thought I'd hear him say that.

He finally left me alone for some time and we didn't speak for a year or two. I went home the summer of my 20th birthday and thought to reach out to him for reasons I can't explain. We had lunch and I still felt like a was in love with him after all that had happened. I tried to forget all he had done before and actually did forget it all. He was really sweet to me this time around. We were friends. One night we were together I decided to give him my virginity. I was ready and I wanted it to be with him. He was attached to me after that. We were instantly in a real relationship and I loved him. 

We had a long distance relationship for almost 2 years while I was in school. One day I called his phone and a girl answered. She told me she loved him and that they were together the night before. I had changed a lot around this time. I tried to not be sentimental anymore and became rather cold hearted. I was upset by what this girl was telling me and I told her she could have him because Im not going to be with a man who cheats on me. 

He tried to act as if nothing had happened. He said she was crazy and denied ever cheating on me. He told me they dated around the time we were not talking. That she tried to commit suicide when he left her to be with me. So what was she doing with his phone?? And why was he even with her period?! I will never know. 

After that I viciously cut him out of my life. No communication what so ever. I made him suffer. He tried almost everything to get in contact with me. I was completely depressed. I can not believe how much I thought I couldn't live without him. It really killed me. I was weak. I was weak and I reached out to him. It felt so good to hear his voice. I missed him so much. I missed him so much I thought I could forgive him. 

We decided to go on a trip somewhere away from California, away from home. We went to Miami and it was amazing. We got back together again. It seemed as if he wanted to prove that he really wanted to be with me. He actually dropped everything and moved out to California to live with me. I was trilled. We got engaged shortly after. 

Unfortunately he had a hard time getting along with my friends. I noticed my other couple friends were very touchy feely, lovey dovey and my fiancé was the opposite which always made me feel bad. He began to stay home all the time. He never wanted to go with me anywhere. We fought all the time. We fought on holidays. I tried hard to impress him. When he talked to other people about us he would say that we had been together since I was 15 which is not true. It was as if he was wanting to believe in a fairy tale love and he actually made me believe it. I began to tell people we had been together since we were teenagers, almost ten years but it was a lie. 

At this time I became a very different person than the shy 15 year old girl I once knew. I was outgoing, unorganized, frivolous with money, irresponsible and I liked it. I loved the night life and wanted to be out all hours of the night. Young and free. I did not care to pursue what I got a degree in and regretted my degree. 

On my 23rd birthday I wanted to go out dancing just the two of us. When I tried to get my fiancé on the dance floor he acted as if he didn't want to be there and. He didn't want to take me out for one measly dance and I got very angry at him for not trying to be happy on my birthday. I began to cry and went to the restroom. He ended up leaving me there at the club that night. Alone on my birthday, I took a taxi home. I cried and it seemed he did not care. 

Ive realized that I am a late bloomer and had always sang but never really put much effort into it. I had a really mean "best friend" in high school who always put me down and I never had the courage to pursue singing. When I finally got up the courage and confidence to begin practicing my vocals I met a great producer who wanted me to be in a girl band. I spent a lot of time in the studio and dedicated all my time to singing. It was a dream come true and it made me very happy. My producer, his wife, my band mates and I became a little family. My fiancé would give me crap about it and tell me to not spend all my time at the studio. He told me I should not put all my energy into something that is just a "hobby" which is totally not what I believe in. I am an artist and I want to be free to be an artist period. 

In the midst of our good and bad times we set the date for the wedding. I was so unorganized and made little effort to plan the wedding. I hate planning in general and had no idea where to start. I always want to go with the flow. I am spontaneous which my husband hates because he needs everything to be planned out. 

When it was getting close to the wedding I admitted that I was in love with him but I wasn't ready to get married. He freaked out and gave me an ultimatum. He said we either get married or its over. He cried and I felt like I almost broke his heart. I got scared and tried to imagine my life without him. I still loved him but I didn't want it to be over. I ended up going through with the marriage plans and we moved back to our home town. I left my band, which made me very sad but my husband is a musician as well and I knew I would still have a musical outlet eventually. 

I was barely turning 25 when I got married. My sister and I pretty much planned my wedding in a month due to my horrible last minute planning. I tried to be very light hearted about everything. I tried to forget the fact that we gave me an ultimatum and I did forget in fact. The entire wedding was a huge pain. We couldn't agree on anything. He didn't like what I chose, he didn't like my ideas. It was awful but the wedding turned out to be absolutely gorgeous. It was really very beautiful. 

My husbands mother got remarried and left us her old house which was perfect because we did not have to pay rent. Unfortunately this house is a piece of crap. Everything is old and ugly and broken but its free. I tried my best to clean it up and make it look nice. Things were looking up for me. I moved back to my home town, I had a great new job that was associated to my degree, I lived in a rent free house with a husband I loved. 

Around this time I thought I found my dream job and was shocked to discover I was absolutely miserable. I quit my job and found another totally not related to my degree. My husband didn't understand this and made me feel bad for my choices and how I felt. I still don't care about the money I just want to find something that fulfills me as an artist. My husband always throws this in my face making me feel stupid for not following my degree and pursuing music. 

We began our own band and I started to sing again which made me happy. Eventually someone saw my youtube singing channel and contacted me through email because he was interested in collaborating with me musically. For some reason I was afraid to tell my husband. I tried to set up a time for my husband and I to meet him but he didn't make the effort so I decided to meet him on my own. The meeting was excellent and we decided we wanted to make an album. 

I knew my husband would disapprove of me meeting a complete stranger so I lied to my husband saying that I already knew him, that he was a friend of mine. He eventually found out I met this producer behind his back and lied that I already knew him and was really angry with me. 

Honestly I was so excited to work on music and record. I was not afraid to meet new people, new artists and collaborate but my husband doesn't see it like that. He said this producer just wanted to use me. He tried to make it seem our artistic collaboration was sexual in nature just because he is a male producer and we may spend hours working alone together. But that is not the case at all.

I began working with this producer who is a friend of mine now. I was very excited about the original music we were creating. I tried to share it with my husband but he didn't want to hear anything about it. He also told me I should focus on what I went to school for and not waste my time on music. Eventually he told me to stop seeing him. Which makes no sense to me because I feel like I am not doing anything wrong. I am an artist and I am making art that makes me happy. He also tried to guilt trip me making me feel like Im turning my back on our band but why can't I do both? 

Since then my husband has pushed himself to build his own music studio in our house and learn to edit music which makes me feel like he was jealous. Jealous that this producer is doing something he secretly always wanted to do. Now he spends most of his time learning sound engineering which make me feel happy for him but he can't be happy for me. 

I am 26 now and I recently thought I was pregnant. I was almost certain I was pregnant and had so many stressful thoughts. I was afraid I was not ready for motherhood. I was afraid my husband could not give me the emotional support I needed. I was afraid I was not going to be able to enjoy my youth and try to make my musical dreams a reality. 

I also do not like my husbands family what so ever and can't imagine having to share our child with his family. I decided if I was pregnant that I would not go through with the pregnancy and consider having an abortion. What is worse is that if I had to do that I would never be able to tell my husband and it would be my dark secret. He really wants children and right now I do not see children in my near future at all. If he knew that I would have wanted to have an abortion our marriage would be over. And worse if he found out I had an abortion and never told him he would hate me forever and I would feel like a horrible person for the rest of my life. On the other side its not fair to him either, why would he want to be with a woman who would want to abort our first child? Maybe he deserves someone else.

Thank God I was not pregnant. My period finally came and it really was a huge slap in the face that we are so wrong for one another. That I can't see myself having his children. That maybe this was never love. Ive always told him Im not the one for him. Ive always asked him if everything I do and I chose he hates or disapproves of then WHY ARE YOU WITH ME??? 

I began to hate myself for not being what he wanted me to be. I started reading about emotional abuse and think that is what I may be suffering from. Ive tried to tell myself there is nothing wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with him, maybe we are just wrong for one another. Maybe we bring out the worst in each other. We have big problems and then we never TALK about them. We just pretend every thing is okay. We joke around a lot which makes me forget all the bad he has ever done. And this is the main reason I think our relationship has lasted so long but the problems keep coming up and they will never stop if we keep pretending they don't exist. 

I think he a beautiful man. He is funny and charming and his opinion of me has always been so important. But i don't want to hate myself anymore for not being who ever he wants me to be. For not saying the right thing and doing the right thing. Everything I do is always wrong. I can't seem to make him happy even though he says he's happy. I often think he is in love with the idea of us and lies to himself that he's happy. I'm so confused about our relationship. I am so dependent on him for everything, the car, my cell phone, this house. I'm afraid if we get divorced I will have nothing. Im afraid I might regret it. 

In the back of my head I often find myself saying that we don't belong together but I can't let him go. I can't bare seeing him with another woman one day. A woman who is everything Im not. A woman who wants to have his children, who gets along with his family, who likes his disgusting dogs, a woman who likes to stay home, who wants to live a quiet simple boring routine life. Why can't I let go and try to find real happiness with a man who really wants to spend time with me, support me, share in the joy of my art and love me the way I want to be loved? How did I let it get this far?


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## Paris90 (Jan 3, 2014)

This is my first reply, so I'll try my best to help. In a way, you sound like me when I was a teenager. I was 17 and talking to someone older than me. Once I was 18, we started dating on and off for over a year. The relationship was never what I wanted it to be or imagined it to be, but I stayed. I stayed in a toxic relationship, and when I told him we're breaking up, it was only for a short time. Why? Because after a couple weeks of not talking or texting, he would suddenly contact me and act like everything was good. That nothing bad had happened in the past. It freaked me out, but I ignored it because I did love him and didn't want to start over with someone new or being by myself home alone with nothing to do. When we were together (maybe 3 months at a time or less), we always did the same thing: hanging out in his car drinking and seeing a movie. I was on the edge and sinking low, but I figured he would be there to have my back. It never happened. Once I came through to my senses, I realized the problem. 

It was me. I allowed him to treat me like an accessory in which he would use me when he needed me, not when I wanted him to be there. That all those good times weren't really good times, but him trying to dismiss or soften the past problems as though it was normal even though it would happen in cycles. Any problem or confusion was joked about and treated like something petty. I trusted him and let alone couldn't trust myself to see the lies. In between break-ups, he was still doing his thing. He was just giving me space and time to forget and move on until he decided to ''resurface'' and rekindle things. I think (and I could be wrong) that your being used. It's not a good idea to put your health on the backburner to save face. I figured it out and moved on. If you move on, you will have yourself and your dignity. Material things at this point is the least of your concern. Seek help from family. 

Letting go is hard, but think about all the years you will continue to waste if you don't leave. You will never find true happiness with someone if you stay with someone who seems to think your not a real priority. I'm not an expert, but if you have more questions than answers than maybe it time to move on. You should never have that feeling of second guessing yourself. If you want to work things out or find out some answers to why you feel the way you do or why he acts like that, seek a marriage counselor or an individual therapy for yourself. I do hope that whatever you decide to do works out for you and has your best interest at heart.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Paris90 said it correctly, if you have more questions than answers, you know it should never have been and its time to move on. 

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it and live it with someone you will love you for who you are, not what they want you to be.


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## geminicancer (Jan 29, 2014)

Thank you so much Paris90 and Alpha for your words. Its been a couple of days since Ive posted but yours comments really mean a lot to me. In writing this huge love story of my life Im surprised Ive held on to so much hurt after so long, even the little things. By moving on I think I may be saving myself from a lifetime of pain. In the past couple of days I moved out of the house. Im pretty much living out of four boxes at my sisters apartment. Everyday I want to call him and pretend everythings okay and then I try to remember all the negativity our relationship holds. Im trying to be strong and imagine a new life away from all of this but its so hard. Im truly scared to start over. Where do you find the strength to seek something or someone better for your life? Maybe loving yourself is reason enough. Deep down I know deserve more and now I think I really know what I might be looking for.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

You sound very self-focused.


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## geminicancer (Jan 29, 2014)

Self-focused as in ..selfish ?


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