# No More Mr. Nice Guy



## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

(reposted from http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ce-considering-divorce-little-progress-3.html)

Well, I’ve made it through the first two chapters of No More Mr. Nice Guy, and I can definitely relate to the characteristics of the nice guy described. This makes me feel hope that if I can effectively address the flaws of this persona, I can interact productively with my wife to change the climate of our home to support building a happy and healthy family. I have long since realized the error of the overly accommodating, agreeable manner in which I started the relationship, but have not yet been able to find a way out of the dysfunctional relationship it has contributed to making. I’ve also been postulating that the feminist movement has been one of the biggest factor in the increase in divorce and family problems we’re seeing today, which the author includes in his factors contributing to the rise of the nice guy syndromealong with other societal changes in the modern era. It was nice to hear this from some one who has spent significant time researching/studying the topic.

Of course, describing a problem well, and providing an effective solution for it are two different things. It’s easy to be cynical at this point, but I will be positive, and look for how the insight from the book can help in resolving the core issues. I know that I cannot expect any book or advice to magically fix the problems on its own, but rather this has to be resolved from within using those as a guide.


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

Now I’ve made it through chapters 3 – 5, and I really feel like this is helping me. Honestly, I wish someone would have given me this book about 20 years ago. I don’t know yet if my changes will be enough to save my marriage, but I know I will be in a better place to handle whichever way it goes, and will be more confident in whatever decision I need to make.


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

I’ve been starting to practice the ideas from the book, and had some challenges today. My wife has gotten in the habit of leaving me at home on Saturday mornings while she goes out. Before we would get in fights b/c I would want to take care of home responsibilities first, and she would get progressively more impatient until I would either put off the responsibilities to go with her or let her go by herself. Now she doesn’t even want me to come at all. 

Last weekend she went out by herself, so this week, I told her that I had a long week at work too and I would like to get out for a while instead of just starting home responsibilities first thing. She made a passive aggressive remark about that she wasn’t keeping me from going anywhere implying she still was still going to do what she wanted and wanted to do something separate from me. I directly said that I would like for us to go out as a family some times, and that if we were always doing separate things that I didn’t feel close to her. She then insists she will go with me, just so she won’t be to blame for a problem in our relationship. And she proceeds to begrudge being there the whole time- giving an attitude, refusing to partake when we went out to eat. Basically, her actions saying, I’m enduring the time with you and I’m saving my fun for when I can go out without you. 

I chose to have a good time with my boys in spite of her. Then I put off one stop I had planned because she was asking to go home, and it wasn’t going to be practical to take her home and then go. So I caved there - she chose to go with me, so I shouldn’t have altered my plans for her. It was something for my older son and I didn’t want her to ruin the experience, but I should have persevered and not allowed her to. (I did end up taking him later in the day.)

Then at various points we were talking about plans for tomorrow. I had told her that I had talked with my parents about possibly having them come up. She reminded me she had mentioned wanting to go see her parents this weekend. I attempted to suggest that we could have both parents over, but she would not even listen to the suggestion. She would blow up at any attempt to talk through options and alternatives and was only willing to talk about things going exactly the way she wanted. Finally, I said if you’re going to choose to go do what you want regardless, so be it. I’ll accept that and plan what I’m going to do accordingly. I know that I can’t control her actions, but I still feel resentful that whenever I don’t give in, we end up going separate ways. I plan to tell her this tomorrow.


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

Last night my younger son woke up crying. He has been sick this past week, but going to school and getting progressively better. My wife yells at me to come in and he did look a little worse at that time. She says he’s not acting right, and I respond that he’s half asleep. She insists, she has to take him to the hospital to make sure he’s okay. I try to offer the alternative perspective that it doesn’t seem to be anything life threatening, so we should let him sleep but can bring him in the room with us to be close by in case. She blows up at anything I try to say, so I let her take him. I have a hard time doing what’s best in the moment – she panics and I give in. In the back of my mind is the fear that if I don’t give in and it ended up being something serious, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. It will take time to handle these situations better, but I’m not completely sure what the right thing is here.

She is her own individual that can make her own choices outside of my control, but he is just as much my child as he is hers. *So how can joint decisions be made for the child if we don’t work together? And if decisions aren’t made jointly how will they be made?* If she adamantly insists on things being one way and won’t even listen to my ideas about how to do things then it tends to force either me to give in or me to “overpower” her to insist on my way. I know I need to insist that we work together, and then make the decision on my own only if she refuses. I’ve been doing better at times, but it’s hard to keep it up because it’s a constant battle.

One thing I’ve been saying was important to me since the start of the year, was that we go to church regularly. Yet we’ve only been a few times…first it was easy when things got stressful at school, to say we would start in the summer, and then over the summer - well once we get back into a regular routine we’ll make sure this is part of it. The primary problem is that I’m too dependent on my wife. I need to determine to go and take the kids and if she doesn’t join us so be it. The secondary problem is that my wife manipulates against this, often claiming that one of the kids is too sick to go. Usually Saturday didn’t go well with us, and I hadn’t gotten everything done I planned. So between the two I say screw it and we’ll make sure to go next week – but we don’t. 

So now for this week, she didn’t get home from the hospital until around 4am, which would likely mean her and my younger son would sleep in, and will therefore miss church. She may not have intentionally done this for the purpose of skipping church but at the very least, it shows that she doesn’t care about it even though it’s important to me. She would not have taken him tonight, when she has work the next day. It is likely that she didn’t want to risk having to deal with something today, which could disrupt her plans for today. I will not allow this to keep me from going, and I see my younger son is up now, so I will take him and my older son. This is an area I will make a point to be consistent with as much as possible despite anything my wife does.


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

There is a fine line between compromise and giving in, and I have a hard time knowing where to draw it. The problem is that my wife typically doesn’t budge, but will continue to be demanding and insistent until my “compromise” offer is suitable to her. At that point, it is not a compromise, but me giving in.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

OnTheBrink said:


> There is a fine line between compromise and giving in, and I have a hard time knowing where to draw it. The problem is that my wife typically doesn’t budge, but will continue to be demanding and insistent until my “compromise” offer is suitable to her. At that point, it is not a compromise, but me giving in.


Sounds exactly like my STBX wife. The only time she compromised was when she didn't really care about what I asked her to compromise on. I was raised to pick one's battles. There's a fine line between being No More Mr. Nice Guy and letting the small things go. 

In the end for me, it was clear that my wife is not really marriage-worthy. Both need to compromise. Both need to contribute. Both need to listen. When one side does the majority of the work, resentment builds.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

OTB, have you been to the forums at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums ? Lots of great specific advice over there for your situation.

Another book to put on your list is "The Way of the Superior Man". I don't buy into some of his stuff, but he does a superior job of explaining the female psyche and the male-female interaction. One thing he explains very well is the ****-testing, which you are going to get a lot of as you go through NMMNG.

Remember to LEAD your family, don't control your family. Be declarative with your wife. You are almost there but not quite. For example family activities or going to church. Just DECLARE that you are going to the park or to church or to McD's etc. And then round up the kid(s) and go. If you want to go for a family meal, declare that you want to take the family out to XYZ restaurant for dinner tonight. Don't ask if she wants to go, and don't make a vague statement.


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

Thor said:


> OTB, have you been to the forums at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums ? Lots of great specific advice over there for your situation.


No, but thanks for the tip, as it is suggested in the book to find a support partner or group while working through things. I'll check it out...may be a better place to post details, and I can post general updates here periodically.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

OnTheBrink said:


> There is a fine line between compromise and giving in, and I have a hard time knowing where to draw it. The problem is that my wife typically doesn’t budge, but will continue to be demanding and insistent until my “compromise” offer is suitable to her. At that point, it is not a compromise, but me giving in.


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