# My husband spends every dollars we have.



## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Hi everyone, please me out. My husband would not stop buying stuff until there is no more money to spend and i am so hurt by this. We are late with our rent most of the time and we keep borrowing money from family and friends. he would never pay back any money we borrowed from people, instead when he get paid he goes to shopping and i don't know what to do anymore. He has 8 fish tanks in the house and he spends lots money buying fish and fish stuff. Also we live in apartment with two kids and these fish stuff take up most of the space in the house, i tell him i don't like crowded house but it seems he does not care since he kept bringing stuff into the house daily. I also talked to him about saving money but he never listens to me. I only work few days a week because we have two kids at home who are under three years of age. He has two other kids and he is behind his child support for 7 years now, he has a court day coming up for his child support and i don't know how much he has to pay back. He also smokes weed daily spending about $400 a month and when he is not smoking because he doesn't have money left to buy weed, he is raging at me and kids. Every little things bothers him and its a nightmare living with him but when he is smoking weed he is happy, and peace in the house.. thanks for all the replies..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband has serious emotional problems. Do you do know if has ever been diagnosed bi-polar or with any other mental illness? His money spend in habits are an indicator of serious issues. Him smoking $400 a month in pot and still wanting more is a huge problem as well and a big indicator of mental health issues. He need to see a psychiatrist for evaluation and get therapy/counseling to stop his destructive behavior.

When he goes to court for child support they might very well doc his paycheck. So he will be bringing home even less money.

It seems to me that you have one choice here: Divorce him because that way his spending is not your problem. 

Get a full time job to support yourself and your children. See if you can get some assistance as well.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Thanks elegirl, it was nice to read your reply.. and yes rather see the court doc his paycheck because in that way the money is going to the kids instead of wasting it on worthless stuff.

Thanks again


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Have you thought about putting a budget together?

It will do 3 things - 1) clarify where you are at, 2) clarify where you want to be and 3) bring both of you to some kind of agreement on where and what your money priorities actually are - like you are both on the same team... you know?

Its hard enough when you are living paycheck to paycheck.. it gets harder if you are both fumbling around, basically in the dark with priorities and bills and impulse purchases. You need to see if you can get in front of this problem before it gets worse. Maybe putting something down on paper would help?

It may also be a means to start shining a light on how much money may be leaking out in little ways... like fishtanks and weed - but if you look like the 'fun killer' you are going to get resistance. You need to recruit him into the process for both of your sakes... and maybe next year you will be much better off.

Small changes can pay off later, but the first step is figuring out exactly what is coming in, and exactly what is going out.. and where.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Who has control over the paycheck? Can you GET control over the paycheck? This is your family - are you willing to fight him to get it?


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Have you thought about putting a budget together?
> 
> It will do 3 things - 1) clarify where you are at, 2) clarify where you want to be and 3) bring both of you to some kind of agreement on where and what your money priorities actually are - like you are both on the same team... you know?
> 
> ...


Thanks anotherguy, i really appreciated your comments. Yes we did put down a budget but he does not follow through, as soon as he get pay he goes to get something he wanted but he comes back with 10 times more than that he went for.It is like a disease and what bothers me the most is that when i show anger and frustration about his spending he gets mad at me and tells me i have no reason to be mad (that kills me). i will take your advice and try to talk to him again, lately i tried to talking to him about and he said i was complaining too much. 
Thanks again.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Who has control over the paycheck? Can you GET control over the paycheck? This is your family - are you willing to fight him to get it?


We have joint account and he makes most of the money, before i tried to give him $200 cash biweekly just for himself only and take the debt card away from him. It did not work because he feel im telling him what to do and not to do. He keep telling me im not his mother and cant tell him what to do. i really dont want fight him i want him to stop and be responsible because what if im not there one day, what is going to do? Are my kids gonna eat? Are they going to have a roof on theirs head? These are what scared me the most. 

Thanks for your reply


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He feels? 

Sorry but it's time for you to man up and BE the leader of this family before he drags you into jail with him. He has PROVEN incapable of providing for his family; him spending the money is NO different than him not making the money in the first place.

Are you ready to put your foot down yet?


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> He feels?
> 
> Sorry but it's time for you to man up and BE the leader of this family before he drags you into jail with him. He has PROVEN incapable of providing for his family; him spending the money is NO different than him not making the money in the first place.
> 
> Are you ready to put your foot down yet?


What should i do? turnea please help me out, i was thinking to leave the house and see if anything changes with him..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, take your time and plan out your exit. He is legally required to support his children, so you need to get that lined up before you leave. If you can't afford a lawyer, find what services your county/city/whatever offer people in your position. Unless you're in a third-world country, there will be SOME sort of agencies to help you. Take your time, visit them all, start taking care of paperwork. Once you have it ready to go, you inform him that you will be leaving with the children (or kicking him out) unless he agrees to give you control of the money (and he gets mental help for his compulsion). When he refuses (he won't believe you are capable of leaving him), you take your already-packed bags, and you move out to the apartment or friend's room that you have lined up. You set up for the government to start garnishing his wages into a bank account that only YOU have access to, so you can take care of the kids.

Once he sees that you are serious, MAYBE he will consider doing what you say needs to be done. If you have family who can help back you up (his or yours), let them help. At that point, he will either decide he loves you and the kids enough to get help and do what you say, or he will walk away (and you'll be better off without him, trust me). Either way, you and your kids win. I know it's scary but sometimes the woman just has to step up and do these things. Ten years from now, you'll kick yourself for waiting so long.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

You are 100% right thanks so much i already feel better about what i am going to do, you also right about him getting mental help. I think he needs that to help him with his anger issues too.

thanks turnea


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Go to the police about his pot smoking. Ask for social services to intervene since it's not okay for someone who is on drugs to be in charge of kids, ever. 

Chances are he can do weekend jail time, if any, and he will be on probation which means drug testing and paying child support or going to jail. 

You can turn him in anonymously. Use the system to help yourself. 

I think a budget just gives him a false sense of security, in his pot-fogged mind he sees everything is okay, bills can be paid, so there is no worry to doing as he is already doing. So long as he sees you have a plan and the fish are still there every day, no worries for him. Pot does that to people. The rage is because he is angry when he has to see reality. Also that you live in reality all the time and are just fine and can cope, and he cannot. So he hates that in you. He doesn't see you as a helper at all, he sees you as someone whose very existence mocks his weakness, dependency and ineptitude. 

Trust me, probation officers can handle him a lot better than a close family member.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Go to the police about his pot smoking. Ask for social services to intervene since it's not okay for someone who is on drugs to be in charge of kids, ever.
> 
> Chances are he can do weekend jail time, if any, and he will be on probation which means drug testing and paying child support or going to jail.
> 
> ...


I am afraid though he would never speak to me again if i turn him in to police.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Wendy1 said:


> Police seems so reasonable when you are so desperate, he is not only spending so much money on it, but it seems he cant thinks straight this cause lots problems between us and other people. Also, he cant keep a job too long, he worked 6 different places in last year alone. He thinks im his problems and all i do is the help keeping the family together.


Yes, don't call the police on him. It will cost you thousands and thousands to get out of the mess and with a record, he would have more trouble finding work. It would just make things worse.

I can imagine he was always like this but you married him anyway.

What does it tell you him owing so much in back child support?

He isn't going to change as it has worked for him all these years.

You might have to just cut your loss and move on without him. You might be in a better financial position without him. You say you want to keep your family together but you really don't have a family right now.

Can you find a counselor to talk to about this?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Wendy1 said:


> I am afraid though he would never speak to me again if i turn him in to police.


Well, look at it this way. If he gets caught out and it is discovered that you knew about it, you can lose your children to the system. Is that really what you want?

I once had to tell my eldest child it was him or the younger two. So he chose his family over a stupid habit. His falling grades improved, his social life got better, he finished high school with distinguished graduate and he is paying for his own college via grants and scholarships and is in the National Guard (something he could not have done if he failed to pass a drug test.)

Besides, he wouldn't know who turned him in, you can do it anonymously. It is only going to get worse. I mean, it's a drug, and he's addicted. If you are going to fight it, fight it to win. Not to keep the peace in the short term and to lose everything you want in the long term.

Sure it might turn your life upside down. But you have drugs in your house and minor children. What the F*ck as a parent, are you thinking of?


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, look at it this way. If he gets caught out and it is discovered that you knew about it, you can lose your children to the system. Is that really what you want?
> 
> I once had to tell my eldest child it was him or the younger two. So he chose his family over a stupid habit. His falling grades improved, his social life got better, he finished high school with distinguished graduate and he is paying for his own college via grants and scholarships and is in the National Guard (something he could not have done if he failed to pass a drug test.)
> 
> ...


It makes alot senses but rather walk away from him and let him enjoy his life, the police is going put him in jail anyways if he doesnt smart up and pay his child support.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Wendy1 said:


> It makes alot senses but rather walk away from him and let him enjoy his life, the police is going put him in jail anyways if he doesnt smart up and pay his child support.


You should be walking away yesterday.
You can make a decision for yourself to live with someone doing pot and risking your custody of your own children. But your kids can't make this decision, they rely on you to keep them safe, and here you are risking custody of them. If they get taken away from you, don't you dare blame your husband. If you continue to choose him, be prepared to lose your husband. It could happen tomorrow. So where does he go to get this stuff, you could be under surveillance already, and in a few months, when his supplier gets busted, your life will become an open book. You're living under the sword of Damocles, and your kids as well.

I think it's shameful you have kept your children in a house with a drug addict for so long. Didn't you say he becomes enraged too? So he can't even think straight. Nice, real nice.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You should be walking away yesterday.
> You can make a decision for yourself to live with someone doing pot and risking your custody of your own children. But your kids can't make this decision, they rely on you to keep them safe, and here you are risking custody of them. If they get taken away from you, don't you dare blame your husband. If you continue to choose him, be prepared to lose your husband. It could happen tomorrow. So where does he go to get this stuff, you could be under surveillance already, and in a few months, when his supplier gets busted, your life will become an open book. You're living under the sword of Damocles, and your kids as well.
> 
> I think it's shameful you have kept your children in a house with a drug addict for so long. Didn't you say he becomes enraged too? So he can't even think straight. Nice, real nice.


There is nothing nice about this issue please dont laugh at me i know im stupid and naive person, i believed in his empty promises but i believe its not too late now leave him behind and move on. I hate drugs with a passion i will never keep them around drugs anymore..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Private Detective Advice said:


> Wendy1
> 
> You are in a tough spot here. I see your husband as having many issues which cannot just be corrected easily. I can give you more advice but I need to ask a few more questions concerning his behavior. Feel free to email me at [email protected] The advice is free and it may be able to help you. I feel very badly for you.


I think it's very wrong to use this site to drive email towards you. If you have questions to ask Wendy, ask them here on the public forum. That's what it's for.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Tigger said:


> Yes, don't call the police on him. It will cost you thousands and thousands to get out of the mess and with a record, he would have more trouble finding work. It would just make things worse.
> 
> I can imagine he was always like this but you married him anyway.
> 
> ...


I wish i have known when i married him, i wouldnt have went through this at all, he is nice person in general but he has lots of troubles. Yes there counseling services here and i am planing to see one, i told my husband already he needs to mental health professionals as soon as possible this week and agreed to it, he said he will be calling them tomorrow..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wendy1 said:


> I am afraid though he would never speak to me again if i turn him in to police.


 Huh? You were just talking about leaving him. Now you can't upset the poor widdle baby?

Is this what you want to teach your kids? That having a man is more important than doing the right thing, taking care of people you love, and not accepting abuse?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wendy1 said:


> I wish i have known when i married him, i wouldnt have went through this at all, he is nice person in general but he has lots of troubles. Yes there counseling services here and i am planing to see one, i told my husband already he needs to mental health professionals as soon as possible this week and agreed to it, he said he will be calling them tomorrow..


 Ask him at the end of the day if he called. And tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. SHOW him you are no longer willing to accept this life.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Huh? You were just talking about leaving him. Now you can't upset the poor widdle baby?
> 
> Is this what you want to teach your kids? That having a man is more important than doing the right thing, taking care of people you love, and not accepting abuse?


No, turnea, having a man is not important than my kids, i am just saying i don't want turn him into the police, i just want leave the heck out of here. i already call shelters in my areas and they told me they have room for me and the kids.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Ask him at the end of the day if he called. And tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. SHOW him you are no longer willing to accept this life.


i as long im in the house nothing is going to change, i figure out that now, i cant sit around and wait for miracle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wendy1 said:


> i as long im in the house nothing is going to change, i figure out that now, i cant sit around and wait for miracle.


Doesn't mean you can't still hold him accountable while you ARE there. 

Unless he's beating you. Is he?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wendy1 said:


> No, turnea, having a man is not important than my kids, i am just saying i don't want turn him into the police, i just want leave the heck out of here. i already call shelters in my areas and they told me they have room for me and the kids.


You said 
_i was thinking to leave the house and see if anything changes with him._
_I am afraid though he would never speak to me again if i turn him in to police._

Wendy, what is your long-term plan? Are you thinking of moving out just so you can get him to change? Or are you really moving on without him?


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> Doesn't mean you can't still hold him accountable while you ARE there.
> 
> Unless he's beating you. Is he?


No he is not beating me or the kids and he never was physical with any one before either. its just the weed and anger followed by yelling and name calling. He gets mad if he call me and i didnt hear him and he thinks i should drop whatever im doing at the time and run to him when he he needs a hand with somethings. He doesnt consider the fact that im always busy, i have 2 1/2 and 1 year old kids who need my attention 24/7. He cooks sometimes, but he doesnt help me with the dishes, laundary and housing cleaning. And even he doesnt help me with the kids when im either cooking or doing other work in the house, i have to manage all. Yet, when he need help with something in the house i have to respond to him right away.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> You said
> _i was thinking to leave the house and see if anything changes with him._
> _I am afraid though he would never speak to me again if i turn him in to police._
> 
> Wendy, what is your long-term plan? Are you thinking of moving out just so you can get him to change? Or are you really moving on without him?


I would love to see him change but if he make no change im moving on.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Wendy1 said:


> I would love to see him change but if he make no change im moving on.


but right now i just want peace and safe place for the kids, because i know he is going to fight for not to lose all the things he is doing now that he thinks he is enjoying life, he says he deserve to smoke weed and relax after work. He believe a person should not be working if the person cant buys things he/she wants or enjoy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wendy1 said:


> Yet, when he need help with something in the house i have to respond to him right away.


No, you don't. That would be a good place to start changing things. 

I do it to my husband. If he's on the couch and he tells me to come look at something or do something, I just go up (when I get around to it) and say "I'm washing dishes. What are YOU doing?" He has no legitimate answer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wendy1 said:


> I would love to see him change but if he make no change im moving on.


 ok, good. i just want to make sure you know your motives.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Well we have couple counselling next monday, what should I tell the Marriage Councillor? Should tell her all the things that he does which bother me at once Or should i tell her half of things this week and some in the following week?

Thanks in advance..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Start with what you need in a marriage. Explain the ways he is not providing that. Make a list and take it with you.


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## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

I will do that thanks turnera


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Go to the police about his pot smoking. Ask for social services to intervene since it's not okay for someone who is on drugs to be in charge of kids, ever.
> 
> Chances are he can do weekend jail time, if any, and he will be on probation which means drug testing and paying child support or going to jail.
> 
> ...


I'm going to disagree. Calling the police is too unpredictable. They may not respond at all, or the children may wind up in the child welfare system.

My advice is to move out immediately and take the kids with you. Hopefully there is a family member you can stay with for a little bit.


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