# Need a little help...letting wife's moods affect me



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Hello all. Haven't been on here for a while. Too busy with a 3 year old and now 10 month old twins (all girls) to have much TAM time.

I need a little help though. My wife has always been a very moody person, and although in the past, her moods have affected me, I'd always been able to deal with it. I'm a very happy, friendly, laid back person and I generally find a way to make my own happiness.

Lately though, I've found that my wife's "down" periods are affecting me more than ever. I've always wanted her to be happy and have done all I could to make her happy, but now I feel like I'm almost depressed when she gets into her prolonged (days...not weeks or months) periods of bad moods.

Has anybody else experienced this and have any tips? I love my children with all of my heart and they make me insanely happy, but I could use some advice on how to not let my wife's moods bother me so much.

And yes...I love my wife with all of my heart as well!

Thanks y'all!


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Is she having monthly fluctuations of mood related to her cycle? Does she get quiet and blue or does she get angry and irritable?


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

The reason I waited a long time to post anything about this is because she just had twins 10 months ago and I wanted to let things calm down. 

She's always had bad PMS and she goes from a fairly happy, fun to be around person to a mostly annoyed, stressed, humorless and tense person. She's 43 now and has been moody our entire 12+ years together.

My issue is that it's affecting me now more than it used to and I begin to get depressed and negative-thinking as a result of her bad moods. Not sure why, but hoping someone has some guidance.

Thanks Gf.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Is your wife willing to try any pms remedies? Vitamin E, fish oil, herbs, massage, exercise, acupuncture, eliminating caffeine, progesterone? 

Do you just want to learn how to live with a moody person? I never did learn. My father's mood swings made me anxious all the time. Upset stomach, headaches, constant tension; I couldn't take it. I left home at 17 to escape the chaos. Maybe somebody else has some coping skills.... Hopeful thoughts for you.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I think she's willing in theory, but once her moods take her to the dark side, she's a tough sell. I've almost gotten to the point that I just leave her the hell alone. I walk on eggshells and am scared of saying or doing anything that might piss her off. That's what I'm trying to get a handle on.

The weird part is she gets bad moods every month, and it takes me until the 3rd or 4th day to realize that it's PMS. You'd think I catch on by now after all of these years, but just the sudden change in her behavior gets me every time.

It's to the point friends and family notice it and say things to me like, "how do you deal with that?" I used to have an answer, but now I don't know anymore!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you read The Way of the Superior Man? He talks about how important it is to be the steady in the relationship, and how to do that.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Hi C123. I have a husband, who, like you, tends to let my mood affect his mood and his happiness. 

I don't think I'm quite as "bad" as your wife, but I am very affected by PMS a few days each month, and yes, it got worse starting in my late 30's/early 40's. 

I learned how to temper my moodiess in myself the best I could, but since my husband is VERY sensitive to my mood, there was little I could do so that he would not notice and let it affect him negatively. 

I have to be honest, it hurt our marriage. I felt like I was never allowed to have a bad day, or have some emotional space to myself. And seeing him unable to master his OWN happiness was a pretty big attraction killer for me. I felt like I was responsible for not only myself, but for him, too, and I resented it. 

I would suggest that you have a talk with you wife about this, if you've not already. 

Is she doing everything she can to manage her mood swings related to PMS? I have done everything short of taking drugs--and I've even offered that (he didn't want me to)--and it's gotten much better . . . but it's still there those three or four days a month. My diet, my exercise, my sleep, my therapy: all geared in part toward controlling the severity of my mood swing each month. These days I'm able to best deal with it by basically "going flat" for a few days. I'm fairly emotionless and neutral towards everyone. I avoid initiating delicate conversation or or making big decisions for those few days. My husband is still uncomfortable with it, but he understand it, and he's offered to help in any way he can, including working on himself to get by his need to try and "fix" whatever is making my mood bad. THAT made a huge difference to me. 

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? I think it helped my husband in this area a fair amount. 

Good luck.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

One more thing, C123: Pay attention to the fact that your feeling this way about your wife's moods (which have always been that way) is a NEW thing for you. You mentioned you have 10 month old twins. Postpartum depression for MEN is real . . . so if you're feeling negative, blue, stressed, etc. more than usual, and its affecting your ability to function in your marriage, your job, your hobbies, your social life, etc. you should seek some individual counseling for yourself. Even if you don't think you might be depressed, IC might be a good resource for learning ways to stop "chameleoning" off your wife's mood and staying more even-keel when she's not her emotional best.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PMS etc. is not a licence to treat people like sh it. I'm sorry, but it's not. I understand that your wife feels agitated, angry and irritated but that's not your fault. She needs to apologise to you after she behaves like this.

Maybe I'm a hard arse, but when I was in my early 20's my mum suffered severe depression. Nastiness and emotional cruelty was part of her behaviour due to the illness. She said the cruellest things, mainly to dad and my youngest brother, because in the end I refused to take it and showed zero interest in her because of it. She refused to apologise for the awful things she said to us, under the guise of "I'm sick, I'm not responsible for it". She used to say that about her PMS too.

Sorry, but I call bull****.

Your wife is entitled to a bad day here and there, as are you. She's entitled to take it out on you sometimes - she's human, I get it, we all do that sometimes. 

What YOU are entitled to is an apology afterwards.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Thanks for the responses on this. I will look at The Way of the Superior Man.

I've read all about NMMNG and although I actually am a very nice guy, I'm not a doormat.

Wife doesn't know how much her moods get to me. I'm an easygoing guy, but not afraid to stand up for what I think is right or stand up against what I think is wrong. Whether it's parenting or marital behavior.

I'm just not sure why after all this time, her moods are affecting me so much. Maybe it's just 12 years of burying it and I can't bury it anymore. Maybe it's the three little girls I'm raising. Not sure.

Ironically, she did say to me last night that she thought there was a small chance she was pregnant. I was surprised since sex has been very infrequent (twins kill sex!) but she said, "remember when I was first pregnant with the twins how b1tchy I was?" I was like, "of course, everyone remembers that." She's had an oblation so I'm hoping she is not pregnant because it would be super high risk.

Anyway, looking forward to more responses. Thanks all.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Like many men (myself included), I think you deep down feel that your wife's happiness/mood is your responsibility, and in your gut it seems a little like it's your "fault" if she's not happy, because your goal is to make her happy. You feel frustrated because you can't seem to achieve that goal no mater what you do, and that makes you feel inadequate, anxious, unloved, am I right?

I would give you the following advice:

1) Be aware of how her mood makes you feel and why. It's always easier to deal with feelings when we are aware of what they are and where they come from.

2) Realize that her mood is not always about you or your fault. Sometimes she is just going to be in a bad mood, because life is hard, because you have three kids, because she is tired, because PMS, whatever.

3) When you can take yourself out of it a little more, you will also have an easier time supporting her. I came up with this concept to help myself understand this -- I don't know if it will make sense, but I think of it as "feeling her pain" vs. "offering a tissue." We men get confused sometimes and think being sensitive and empathetic means we are supposed to try to inhabit the other person's unhappiness and feel it with them, but that's not always what your wife actually needs from you. She needs the tissue. She needs the strong shoulder to cry on, not the person to cry with her. Or maybe she needs you to be the person who takes care of a few extra things around the house when she feels like she's falling apart. Make sense?

So to sum up (1) be aware of why her moods make you feel bad (2) realize they're not your fault and (3) be strong and steady for her


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Like many men (myself included), I think you deep down feel that your wife's happiness/mood is your responsibility, and in your gut it seems a little like it's your "fault" if she's not happy, because your goal is to make her happy. You feel frustrated because you can't seem to achieve that goal no mater what you do, and that makes you feel inadequate, anxious, unloved, am I right?
> 
> I would give you the following advice:
> 
> ...


John, I think you hit the nail on the head. I DO feel responsible for her happiness. I am happier when she's happy, so I do what I can to get her there. 

I do need to accept that I can't always get the job done, nor is it my responsibility to get the job done. She has to be responsible for her own happiness. Of course, on the other hand, when you are raising three kids together (young kids, which require a lot of hands-on work), you're around each other a lot, so you have to be able to absorb or ignore your spouse's mood.

Another wrinkle is that we tried so hard for these kids. Our first took 7 years of IVF treatment and our twins are also IVF, but came on the first try once they "figured it out." Part of me gets a little annoyed when she starts getting moody about all the work with the kids or complaining about how tired she is because of how badly she wanted these kids. After 5 years of trying (and all that entails), I was ready to accept we would be childless, but kept going for her. Now that we have these kids, whom I love beyond words, I feel like neither one of us should really complain.

There may be some pre-menopause here as well. Not sure.

Anyway, thanks again.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

I agree with what John said.

Adding to what he said, keep in mind that you as a man should not base your emotions upon your wife. Among other things, being masculine means finding positive energy within yourself and being self-validating. If you are emotionally reacting to your wife's emotions, you are behaving more like a girlfriend than a man. Instead you should be above her emotions at all times. Like John said, offering the shoulder to cry on, not crying with her. This is what she needs from you. 

And once you establish that her moods do not affect you, other than that you give her no energy when she is disrespectful to you, but you give her your full love and attention when she comes to you lovingly and respectfully, she will begin to be a lot less "*****y" to you and a lot more happy overall. You must see yourself as the source of positive, masculine energy for her. You do not tolerate *****y behavior towards you - you remain calm, confident, direct - tell her you won't respond to her talking that way to you or treating you like that - then casually walk away completely unaffected. Go do something pleasant. Demonstrate her negative behavior does not affect you. By the same token, demonstrate her positive behavior is received with all your love and energy. Listen to her, don't problem solve, affirm her, validate her.

How you stop letting her emotions affect you is to see how detrimental to your marriage, and yourself, it is. Reclaim your masculinity within yourself. You are the man of the house, you don't get rattled and emotional, you are the man, the leader who stays calm and confident in all situations. Engage your hobbies more, exercise more, find more productive ways to get your emotions out and feel good about yourself. Your wife and children need this from you. At the very least, use that as your motivation. Be the positive, confident, calm, take charge force for them - the leader, dad, husband, lover they look up to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The funny thing about the masculine stuff is that I realized it's actually how I naturally am. I don't mean I'm some bigshot alpha male, I just mean I am naturally steady, calm, not too emotional, able to keep my head in a crisis, etc. When I was doing the "cry with her" stuff it was because it was what I thought I was supposed to do, but it was forced, because I had a confused idea about what my wife wanted from me.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

C123 said:


> Another wrinkle is that we tried so hard for these kids. Our first took 7 years of IVF treatment and our twins are also IVF, but came on the first try once they "figured it out." Part of me gets a little annoyed when she starts getting moody about all the work with the kids or complaining about how tired she is because of how badly she wanted these kids. After 5 years of trying (and all that entails), I was ready to accept we would be childless, but kept going for her. Now that we have these kids, whom I love beyond words, I feel like neither one of us should really complain.
> 
> Anyway, thanks again.


Just noticed this -- so many guys wind up thinking this way but it's really not fair. "You wanted the kids, therefore you shouldn't complain about them." It's resentful, and totally unrealistic. Kids are hard work. I want my job -- does that mean I'm never gonna complain about my boss being a ****?


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I appreciate your opinions, but you're both missing a part of this. I'm not "crying with her." As I mentioned, she doesn't know her mood swings are bothering me. Outward masculinity is not the issue. This issue I needed help with was how to internally deal with this.

I'm not weeping with her like a b1tch while she acts like a b1tch. I'm treating her exactly as you suggest. I'm just trying to find a way to stop internalizing it all.

It didn't used to be a problem. Now it bothers me more. Can't explain why.

John gave some great suggestions, and thanks again for the comments.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

OP, is there a reason you've not talked to your wife about this? I don't mean with the intent of getting her to change her behavior, but so that she knows you are struggling? Is she generally supportive of you when you're feeling down/bad? Would she be receptive to helping you by working on herself, or by giving you "permission" to check out a bit when she's PMS'ing?

Or are you worried that she'll "take it badly" and that just being honest with here will somehow damage your relationship?


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Yes, while I don't cry with her while she's moody, I've told her (when she's not in a moody funk) that when she gets in a moody funk it bothers me simply because I want her to be happy and when she's happy, I'm happy.

She's sympathetic and recognizes that she gets moody, but her response is basically "I can't help it and you should just know I'm not in a bad mood because of you. If I were, I'd tell you."

I'm appreciative she recognizes her bad moods, but I think having had a chance to discuss it on here with you all, the best option for me is to just do my thing when she's moody, and when she's done being moody, I'll be there waiting for her to laugh with again.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Oh yeah I didn't mean I'd literally cry with her, that'd be a bit much. I just meant I used to try too hard to feel her feelings instead of just being there for her.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Yeah, I got that. I was just using your words to describe what you meant. 

I can just see a bunch of guys literally crying because their wives are pissy. They'd need a little bit more help than some advice on TAM.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

C123 said:


> Yes, while I don't cry with her while she's moody, I've told her (when she's not in a moody funk) that when she gets in a moody funk it bothers me simply because I want her to be happy and when she's happy, I'm happy.
> 
> She's sympathetic and recognizes that she gets moody, but her response is basically "I can't help it and you should just know I'm not in a bad mood because of you. If I were, I'd tell you."
> 
> I'm appreciative she recognizes her bad moods, but I think having had a chance to discuss it on here with you all, the best option for me is to just do my thing when she's moody, and when she's done being moody, I'll be there waiting for her to laugh with again.


Good, because it sounds to me like she's set a boundary ("I can't help it and you should just know I'm not in a bad mood because of you. If I were, I'd tell you.") and you've accepted that boundary as reasonable.

That means it's on you to make sure you deal with the negativity you're feeling and to not let resentment build until it starts to affect how you treat her back. You mentioned that you're having trouble "just doing your own thing." So how ARE you going to deal with the way you're feeling about this?


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm not sure how, but given the advice here and from some friends, I think I just need to have confidence that it's not me until she says otherwise and go about my business. I don't think it will happen overnight, but since others seem to think that this is a good course of action, I feel comfortable giving a try.

Before, I felt like ignoring her moods and doing my own thing might be insensitive or not supportive. Seems like maybe it's actually the best thing I can do...for both of us.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

C123 said:


> I'm not sure how, but given the advice here and from some friends, I think I just need to have confidence that it's not me until she says otherwise and go about my business. I don't think it will happen overnight, but since others seem to think that this is a good course of action, I feel comfortable giving a try.
> 
> Before, I felt like ignoring her moods and doing my own thing might be insensitive or not supportive. Seems like maybe it's actually the best thing I can do...for both of us.


I'm only pushing you to consider carefully HOW you will cope because I know how hard my husband struggles with this--and he has my support and sympathy, and I do try very hard to temper my mood swings and the impact they have on him. 

I think he finds support on forums like this and mslp to be useful, and he's found various books (in the vein of NNMNG and Superior Man) to be helpful, too. I think individual counseling could help, too, if you can't get a handle on it by yourself. There is nothing wrong with how you feel: it's how you process those feelings in the context of your marriage that matters. 

And it would be nice if your wife would have some sympathy and understanding, even if there really is nothing more she can do to address her "bad" or "down" moods.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

GettingIt, I really appreciate it.

Can you explain or describe what your moods feel like to you? Do you feel powerless against them? We all get into funks from time to time, so I know what it feels like to be a little grumpy or anti-social, but I can't wrap my head around prolonged, monthly funks.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Also sounds to me like you are angry at your wife and maybe you don't realize how angry you are at her.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

John, I don't think "angry" is the right word. Frustrated, maybe a little resentful, but not angry.

I'm sure some of you know what it's like hearing from friends and family how lucky your spouse is to have you and how great you are and how you seem to do everything, etc. etc. It's actually not helpful at all and insulting towards my wife. They don't what's going on and they don't know how hard twins are with a 3 year old.

So...angry? Sometimes, of course, but not over this. Resentful? Yes, especially given what I hear from others, but that's my problem, not my wife's problem and that's really what I'm trying to get a handle on here.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

C123 said:


> GettingIt, I really appreciate it.
> 
> Can you explain or describe what your moods feel like to you? Do you feel powerless against them? We all get into funks from time to time, so I know what it feels like to be a little grumpy or anti-social, but I can't wrap my head around prolonged, monthly funks.


When it's bad, I feel hopeless and helpless. My marriage is a sham, I'm a horrible mother, my kids deserve better (and on top of all of that, I'm fatigued and fog-brained.) Deep down inside, I know none of this is true, but when I'm in the grips of it, it's hard not to react as though it is. That's why I tend to emotionally "check out" on those days. My husband thinks I'm grumpy or distant, but he has NO idea of how hard I am working to even keep myself reasonably civil. When I was younger, I used to panic when I felt this way. It took me a long time to "own" the issue as mine and to admit that I could not be trusted to judge my husband's behavior when I was feeling this way. Now, if something is bothering me that I want to discuss with him, I will make myself put it on hold until the funk lifts (usually the day I get my period.) If he wishes to discuss something with me that is a hot button issue with us, I'll ask him if we can wait until I'm feeling better. 

Basically it takes an inordinate amount of self-control and self awareness on my part to not let my emotions during this time do damage to my marriage. Some husbands might be able to take the "unbuttoned" GettingIt when she's PMS'ing, but my husband isn't one of those people (although he's MUCH better and continues to work on it.)

Discussing this with my therapist was really helpful; I brought it up in therapy because I was sick of the way my mood was affecting me and the entire household. And I cannot reiterate enough how important diet, exercise, and SLEEP is to moderating my PMS. 

I think it helps my husband to know that I do own this and I do work on it. And knowing that I'm working on it makes it easier for me to ask my husband to work on his part: not letting my mood affect him. He's also taken a "part ownership" in my cycle, and tracks my mood and cycle on a calender. I think it helps him when he sees my bad mood corresponding with the week before my period because it "makes sense" and he can better believe that it's not about him. And it makes me feel like he really cares--he's making an effort to understand something about me as a woman that is totally foreign to him as a man.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Wow, thanks GettingIt. That's very helpful to read that.

I imagine my wife feels much the same way.


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

C123 said:


> Lately though, I've found that my wife's "down" periods are affecting me more than ever. I've always wanted her to be happy and have done all I could to make her happy, but now I feel like I'm almost depressed when she gets into her prolonged (days...not weeks or months) periods of bad moods.
> 
> Has anybody else experienced this and have any tips? I love my children with all of my heart and they make me insanely happy, but I could use some advice on how to not let my wife's moods bother me so much.


You've described me. Like you, the problem seemed to show up with the kids. I think it's the added stress pushing everyone to their limits.

My wife and I have talked about this a lot. She's gone out of her way to explain that she has bad days and it's not me. She's told me that the best thing to do is to ignore her and let it pass. She told me the worst thing I can do is to keep asking her questions and trying to "fix" her. For the longest time I could not just let it go. It's my personality - I see a problem and I want to fix it.

Here's what I've done. It took some training, but I try to consciously note that she is in a bad mood for no particular reason. It sounds silly, but if I don't do this, my default (without even thinking about it) is to start taking action to fix her mood, and that just makes things worse. Plus, once I tell myself that she is just grumpy, I almost immediately feel better. I think it is a bit of a relief to realize that I don't need to try to fix her mood. It's not my problem.

Once I've recognized the problem, I make it a point to go somewhere where she is not and do something productive. I'm not abandoning her, and I will gladly talk to her if she comes to me, and I will gladly help if she asks. But I've found it's usually best if I give her some space and don't let her mood affect mine.

Just making these simple changes have improved things greatly. I am not nearly as bothered by her moods as I used to be, and she seems to get over them more quickly.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Great advice Mr. G. That's basically what I've decided to do so it sounds like it works. Thanks for your comment.


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

C123 said:


> Great advice Mr. G. That's basically what I've decided to do so it sounds like it works. Thanks for your comment.


If you're like me, at first you might keep falling into your old habits. Don't get discouraged. You can change, sometimes it just might takes a little longer than you think.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Ok, so just a little follow up here. I think John is right. I am angry about this.

The entire week was pretty good until yesterday and I get home from work and she is (admittedly) in a bad mood. I pretty much tried to just leave her alone, but she doesn't want to be left alone. Yet, she's not very pleasant to be around. And she knows it. And she admits it.

This morning, more of the same. I'm getting bottles ready, coffee made, picking out 3 kids outfits, dressing kids and she's just in a sh1tty mood. I get in the shower, my only time alone basically all day, and I realize I am indeed pissed about this.

I'm committed to following the plan I've put forth, but when there is literally no reason for her to be moody ("I'm not even sure when my period is...I don't know why I'm grumpy...etc, etc") it's enough to drive you crazy.

I know life isn't perfect. Hell, we've been married 11 years and have had plenty of ups and downs, but there is no reason for her not to at least want to figure out why she gets so moody. When I get a headache that lasts 2 weeks, I go see a doctor. She just doesn't see that as a viable solution. Things just are the way they are. I hate that answer.

Life is too short and too wonderful to be pissed off all the time.

MrG - what do you do when she wants to be around you, but is simultaneously moody?


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

I know you said you don't think John & I are seeing what is really going on C123, but I suggest you re-read what he and I wrote. It falls along the same lines that MisterG wrote as well. We're all saying the same thing in different ways.

You mustn't let her moods affect you. I know you're asking how not to, but it starts with the realization that it is detrimental to BOTH of you if you do. You KNOW it's not right, for her or for you. You understand this. So of course your question is how do you not let it?

As was mentioned by us in earlier posts. Leave her to wallow in her own misery. You can't control her moods - you can only control how YOU respond to it. You do that by leaving her alone, giving her no energy. That includes NO anger, no pouting, no complaining on your behalf. Your emotions are NOT dictated by hers. YOU are a MAN who has the ability to control and direct his own emotions and energy. What to do if she follows you and won't leave you alone? That's when you CALMLY, firmly confront her. 

One possible example could be "Wife, I understand you are feeling (exhausted, frustrated, angry, whatever) and you are under a lot of stress/pressure/etc. You have a right to your emotions. And I want you to know I am here for you if you need to talk and get things off your chest. However I will not tolerate any disrespect or attitude directed at ME. I am your husband and I am here to support you and care for and love you, and when you are ready to come to me in the same loving and respectful way, I am here for you". Then walk away. Go do something enjoyable. Go for a walk. Go exercise. Go play a video game. Go to the garage or shop and work on something. Go do some yard work. Whatever positive, enjoyable thing you like to do that gets your mind off her, and energizes you or releases your stress.

The more you look to her for your positive energy, to feel good about yourself, the more you will fail. You must get that energy elsewhere, so that you can be HER source of good feelings and energy, her shoulder to cry on, her rock, her safe place she can trust to open herself up to and get her emotions out. And when she does, do not problem solve. Listen, affirm, validate, show true concern and interest. Then gently lead her to a more positive outlook on life. 

Do not tell her that her emotions and feelings are "wrong". They are hers and she has a right to them. Your job is to be there for her to let them out, and then guide her to a more positive place. Let her get it out, then talk about your future goals together, or an upcoming vacation, or how blessed your lives are, or whatever other positive things you can come up with to give her something to look forward to and feel your enthusiasm and positive energy for life. 
Over time this will draw her out of the funk she is in, and she will be that much closer to you. But it all starts with you being a more positive and masculine force in her life. Masculinity in the sense that you are demonstrating enthusiasm and passion for life, positively, leading her and your family, remaining calm and unrattled in all situations, standing firm on your values and not letting anyone violate them (including not tolerating disrespect and calmly but firmly expressing yourself). Etc. 

When I talk masculinity I'm not saying you're a "wimp" or a "wuss", I'm saying there is another side of masculinity that many men are unaware of, and it concerns controlling your emotions. Remaining calm. Being positive. Being confident in yourself, how you handle yourself, how you handle your wife, family, your life. This is something your wife needs. She needs that strong presence in her life that can weather her storms and handle her, and accept her. Not someone who gets sucked into her storm with her and can't deal with it. Trust me I know how hard it is to break that cycle but it's imperative that you do. It will work wonders once you do.

I hope what I'm saying makes sense to you. My wife is a "moody" person too, but not to ME anymore, and she is way more positive and upbeat now than she has been in years...she lets a lot of stuff go that used to get to her. She no longer behaves towards ME in those ways, ever, because she knows it will get her nothing from me, and I will go share my positive energy elsewhere. Instead she comes to me to vent her frustrations and anger and sadness because she knows I accept her exactly the way she is, and give her all my love and attention, and I have a "way" of making her feel more upbeat and positive and happy. Because that is who I am for her. I am a confident, positive and happy person regardless of anything she is doing or how she is behaving, I affirm her, validate her, appreciate her, accept her, listen to her, am interested in her. 

Do I always feel calm and confident and happy go lucky? Of course not. But I do whatever I can to get myself that way when I'm not feeling it. And I ALWAYS present that confident and positive side of myself to my wife. She is not my roommate and we are not girlfriends. I am her man. If I'm moody, something else bears the brunt of that. Like a punching bag, or some dumbbells, or a piece of firewood I'm chopping. Or go venting on an online forum 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Beautifully written justtryin. That post hit home for me. I get it. That's exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm beyond thankful that you took the time to write that. I mean it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

If I were in your shoes, I would keep a recorder in my pocket and record her outbursts, etc. and play it back to her on a day when she is not in a bad mood. Perhaps hearing back how she actually treats you would give her a wake up call.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

karole - thanks, but to call them outbursts would be an overstatement. She just gets in a pissy mood and is miserable to be around. No sense of humor, no smiling, no affection, just complaining and b1tching and moaning.

It's not directed towards me, but certainly affects me.

I'm finally committed to doing something about it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I agree with the above long post -- good advice. It's good to recognize that you're angry about these things, and it's understandable. At the same time, it's not your place to say when she *should* be in a good mood and how she *should* feel about things. You don't know everything that she's thinking about or feeling or what's going on inside her. You don't experience her days. 

There may also be other issues to address here. For example there seems to be a part of you that wasn't so sure about having kids -- maybe you dragged yourself into it and feel like someone else was dragging you and you still resent it. I also wonder if you do anything to keep *spark* in the marriage -- do you have date nights, for example?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I think justtryin makes many good points (similar to the gist of The Way of the Superior Man, if I'm remembering correctly.) 

How you get from point A to point B is the hard part, I think. I am very much like your wife, and you are very much like my husband. I'm less dependent on his emotions for my state of mind, and I am generally better able to achieve happiness and detach from him when he's in a bad mood. It took us years to really appreciate how these differences affected our marriage--and, to be honest with you, these differences were very a part of the erosion of the sexual and emotional intimacy in our marriage for a decade. 

First, you do have to believe that your wife 1) is being honest with you about feeling crappy and not knowing why and 2) is not (necessarily or consciously) "mad" at you. Is there a reason she is feeling crappy--of course there is. Whether or not she chooses to address this is up to her. You can press her to do so, but understand that she might find such pressure intrusive into her "space." Remember, she doesn't rely on you to set her mood and therefore probably doesn't "get" why her mood mood matters so much to you. She just can't empathize, to put it bluntly. 

Second, I think that staying in her presence if her mood is upsetting you, making you mad (or "pissy" as I call it), or making you hover as you try to figure our how to "fix" her is a very, very bad idea. So if you cannot disassociate your mood from hers, then take justryin's advice and go do something positive. Do NOT go and mope in your office or go lie down or otherwise demonstrate that she's "ruined your day" or affected your ability to function. Do something productive and along the lines of what you'd being doing on a normal day anyway. 

I will say that this option is not the best, however. Although it's better than hanging around "chameleoning" off her mood, it's also a "running away" of sorts, and she knows it. Unless she's told you that she wants to be alone, then the ability to stay in her presence and give a steady, calming PHYSICAL reminder of your emotional independence might be best. At least that's the way it works for me. 

Has this been difficult for my husband to adjust to? Yes, but my ability to FINALLY know this about myself and articulate it to him has been a relief, too--he can finally understand why we both would end up feeling like crap if I was having a bad day. To know that I can be my worst self and that he will still be there, unaffected, is what I most desperately want on those days when I'm feeling utterly at odds with myself and the world. Even when I'm irritable with him, or emotionally indifferent, to have him moving confidently beside me, interacting with the kids cheerfully, pulling a little more of his weight instinctively. I cannot tell you the relief this brings. It might not pull me out of the mood right away--or even any sooner--but when I do return to myself, the gratitude and love I feel that he is there waiting for me, smiling and strong and confident and unaffected, is unparalleled. 

THAT is the husband that I need and desire. And when he can give me that, I SO MUCH want to be the wife that he needs and desires. It makes me want to please him beyond measure when he cares for me in this way.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

John Lee said:


> I agree with the above long post -- good advice. It's good to recognize that you're angry about these things, and it's understandable. At the same time, it's not your place to say when she *should* be in a good mood and how she *should* feel about things. You don't know everything that she's thinking about or feeling or what's going on inside her. You don't experience her days.
> 
> There may also be other issues to address here. For example there seems to be a part of you that wasn't so sure about having kids -- maybe you dragged yourself into it and feel like someone else was dragging you and you still resent it. I also wonder if you do anything to keep *spark* in the marriage -- do you have date nights, for example?


John - thanks for your post. There is zero part of me that wasn't so sure about having kids. After many years of IVF failure (not covered by insurance), I was content to love my wife for the rest of our lives without kids despite my deep desire for children. My children are the best thing about me and I am so thankful to have them.

Yes, I work hard to keep the spark. Date nights twice a month (any more than that is cost prohibitive with 3 kids!). I keep in fairly decent shape and work to look good for her. I don't take her or the marriage for granted.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

GettingIt - Thank you very much for your post. It was a great addendum to justtryin's post. I really appreciate your point of view and that you have a husband who deals with the same things. It's great to hear you've both found a way to work through it. There's nothing I want more than to have a happy, well balanced, fulfilling marriage.


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