# Empty Nest



## stretch720 (Jan 16, 2018)

My wife and i admit we failed each other when it came to communicating and it was apparent over the last 8-10 years as we did our own things at home, still ate together, went out to eat, traveled with our girls to sporting events they were involved but had to travel separately (take turns) to help us not waste our leave time at work, never really traveled for just the two of us.....but now that our youngest it approaching her senior year next year in high school, my wife has really changed her attitude towards me at home as Im a big bother or pain in her rear. She doesnt open up to me and I have to initiate conversation to see whats wrong.

Long story short, she told me that she just wants us to be a family until she is gone to college next August and she doesnt feel a connection to me anymore and told me Im more a brother than a husband. She feels it weird for us to try to correct or go out more often just the two of us and would rather only go out now with our kids. Its a very strange feeling here as I feel so isolated. Doesnt seem much hope in this.

Anyone similar going through this?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I can not say my W and I are going through the empty nest disconnect issue. However, I can understand how this becomes an issue for married couples. 

Nothing at all precipitated this feeling from your W before your W telling you how she feels? Does she work or SAHM?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What about after the last child goes off to college or work?
What happens then?

Divorce?

What do YOU think?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I have heard this before where they are married doing their own thing YET when the kids come home from college it goes back to normal. Like this couple was protecting the kids in college.. Who knows what happened after that. At least you have time to try and change things if you want.

Our kids are in HS and to be honest I'm nervous about what will happen when they leave.. We are a family but it seems to be all about them. We have no connection!! He has mentioned that he wants to sell the house and move when kids go to college.. Why? And where?? My name is on the paperwork so he can't sell without me.. I figured once the kids were settled with a place to stay and jobs we would sell; he can buy his townhome and I can buy a condo in Florida!! Sadly, I think this happens when kids are grown the adults look at each other and .....


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She hates you. Your presence bothers her, you annoy her. Might want to check your phone bill. Might be someone else in the picture diverting her attention. 

Tell her that you have zero interest in having sex with a sister and that if her feelings to being married to you do not change then you will not wait for the youngest to leave for college before getting a divorce

You deserve better, She already thinks she does. Don't wait, you will suffer for nothing.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like the two of you failed to focus enough on the marriage and your connection to each other. She may blame you for this, and if so, she may become the classic walk-away-wife - one who has given up on the marriage until the kids are gone, and then she is, too. If so, it may be difficult or impossible to fix, if her mind is made up - from her perspective, it would be too little, too late. However, if she was also responsible for neglecting the marriage (and not because she tried and you didn't respond to her attempts), then there may be some hope.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

stretch720 said:


> My wife and i admit we failed each other when it came to communicating and it was apparent over the last 8-10 years as we did our own things at home, still ate together, went out to eat, traveled with our girls to sporting events they were involved but had to travel separately (take turns) to help us not waste our leave time at work, never really traveled for just the two of us.....but now that our youngest it approaching her senior year next year in high school, my wife has really changed her attitude towards me at home as Im a big bother or pain in her rear. She doesnt open up to me and I have to initiate conversation to see whats wrong.
> 
> Long story short, she told me that she just wants us to be a family until she is gone to college next August and she doesnt feel a connection to me anymore and told me Im more a brother than a husband. She feels it weird for us to try to correct or go out more often just the two of us and would rather only go out now with our kids. Its a very strange feeling here as I feel so isolated. Doesnt seem much hope in this.
> 
> Anyone similar going through this?


Sorry to hear of your situation... that's definitely a tough one.

As I saw the empty nest stage approaching, I was pretty adamant about re-strengthening our connection so that we'd be ready for the change when it came. The difference is that, while kids do demand tons of attention and energy, my wife and I had maintained a pretty good level of communication throughout, and she was very receptive when I began to redistribute some of my time and energy from kids to her.  

We began actively dating again, playing like teenagers, smooching around the house, etc (sometimes much to our teens' chagrin... ewww!). We were both committed to having fun with each other and being fully connected prior to the last one leaving so we didn't end up in that awkward state of being two strangers looking blankly at each other wondering what to do next. 

Your wife, on the other hand, seems to think the connection is broken ... irreversibly? That's what you have to figure out. If that's the case, there's not much you can do. If there's the slightest bit of interest or spark, however, it's on you to nurture it and then fan the flames. Do your best to bring out your inner Casanova and make her feel wooed. If that fails, maybe try couples counseling or go straight to separate lives. 

Again, very sorry to hear this. I wish you the best in 1. finding the root cause and 2. making peace with the best option based on the underlying issue(s).


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Sounds to me like she may have her eye on someone else. Might already be involved with someone else.

My wife and I are about to be empty nesters. We were this past summer as my son had moved out for a summer job. He is back for his last semester of university and will be moving out in June. The summer was actually pretty good having the house to ourselves.

My wife and I have had our issues but have always got along great during vacations. Time away without kids. 

Your kids are now old enough that they could by themselves for a few days. I suggest booking an all inclusive vacation to Mexico (or somewhere similar) for the two of you to get away and see if you can rekindle what you used to have. She might be too far gone. If she is having an affair, then this won't work. But if she isn't and just bored with life, you might be able to wake her up again.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

cc48kel said:


> I have heard this before where they are married doing their own thing YET when the kids come home from college it goes back to normal. Like this couple was protecting the kids in college.. Who knows what happened after that. At least you have time to try and change things if you want.
> 
> Our kids are in HS and to be honest I'm nervous about what will happen when they leave.. We are a family but it seems to be all about them. We have no connection!! He has mentioned that he wants to sell the house and move when kids go to college.. Why? And where?? My name is on the paperwork so he can't sell without me.. I figured once the kids were settled with a place to stay and jobs we would sell; he can buy his townhome and I can buy a condo in Florida!! Sadly, I think this happens when kids are grown the adults look at each other and .....


That is where it needs to be nipped in the bud. Our daughters are out doing their own adult things. Yes, they live at home and are progressing on moving out, but, in the meantime my W and I do things together. We plan trips around our likes and wants. When our children finally move out my W and I will continue to make plans bases around our likes and wants. Never child oriented. We have done that enough in the past 22 years. It is freeing for us. We just get in the car and go. We worked on recreating and keeping our connection to good effect. We speak about our future after the kids. Together. 

The OP appears to beyond any of that at the moment.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> Sounds to me like she may have her eye on someone else. Might already be involved with someone else.
> 
> My wife and I are about to be empty nesters. We were this past summer as my son had moved out for a summer job. He is back for his last semester of university and will be moving out in June. The summer was actually pretty good having the house to ourselves.
> 
> ...



Right here, booking and planning things both like to do that are not kids oriented. For years we all gave up what we like to do so the weekend can be spent at a costly amusement park. That time is over. Now it's weekends in wine country, B&B and doing decadent things!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

It sounds like it has been years in the making and things have deteriorated down to where the both of you are co-parents instead of husband and wife.

It sounds like your wife has made up her mind that she will be "alone" moving forward.

Question for you is do you see yourself "alone" once the kids are gone? If not, how do you see you and your wife living?

If you are also to the point of no return, it may be best to go your separate ways and find some happiness elsewhere.

As mentioned before, do you suspect that your wife has someone else on the side ready to go?


Good luck.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> What about after the last child goes off to college or work?
> What happens then?
> 
> Divorce?
> ...


posOM


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

stretch720 said:


> ... my wife has really changed her attitude towards me at home as Im a big bother or pain in her rear. She doesnt open up to me and I have to initiate conversation to see whats wrong.
> 
> Long story short, she told me that she just wants us to be a family until she is gone to college next August and she doesnt feel a connection to me anymore and told me Im more a brother than a husband. She feels it weird for us to try to correct or go out more often just the two of us and would rather only go out now with our kids.


This is worse than "I love you but I'm not IN love with you". Not as bad as "I hate your guts!", but it isn't good. Apparently she is being honest that she has lost feelings for you and she is *planning* on divorce.

I am very pro-marriage and pro-family, but I am not very optimistic for you. However, there is still time to perhaps turn things around. Your situation is not unusual at all.

I would approach her in a calm, unemotional way. Not accusatory or acting all hurt. Ask her if she means that she plans on divorcing after the youngest goes off to college. Ask her if she is interested in trying to rescue the marriage or if she has made her decision.

If she is willing to work on things, there are a ton of very good books you two can read together. A good marriage therapist can also be a big help.

If she says she has made up her mind, I would proceed under the assumption she means it. So, I would ask her to engage in a cooperative process towards an amicable split. Sometimes people just stop being a good match. Sometimes one spouse simply loses interest and has no interest in making an effort to recover the marriage. You don't have to become hateful towards each other. It doesn't have to be War of the Roses between you.

In the background, you should research the process of divorce where you live, and what the general outcomes might be for your situation. Might you be on the hook for child support until your youngest finishes college? Might you be on the hook for alimony? Are you about to cross an important threshold for alimony? Pensions? I would suggest you take advantage of a free consultation with a good divorce atty. They'll give you 15-30 minutes free as a way to get new customers. You can find out how things usually work out for someone in your situation.

If the process takes a year, maybe you can start the process this summer. Or, maybe getting a good separation agreement in place will set the stage for an equitable divorce settlement. Once you start a formal process it could create a separation in your finances from joint to individual. All new contributions to your retirement savings could be shielded from division in divorce. 

You may want to work out a financial arrangement now regarding household expenses and any support you're giving children for tuition or living expenses.

I hope you can work things out. If you can't, get your ducks in a row so that things go smoothly when you split.

As to a possible affair, that is always a possibility. I would first advise you trust your gut. If you've had feelings things weren't right suddenly, probably something isn't right. But if you've seen no red flags and not had concerns, the chances are a lot lower she is in an affair. You can do the usual due diligence such as reviewing phone records and credit card spending. I wouldn't get too distracted looking for an affair unless you have had concerns.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I wouldn't ask her anything.

I'd just start living my separate life with zest.

Plan fun things. Go do them. Invite her if you wish.

If she says no, go anyway.

I mean really hit it hard. Skydiving, travel, man with a plan stuff. Be interesting, mysterious and dark.

Mix it up and take command.

No need to be passive. Active and engaged.

If she's having an affair? Who cares? You'll find out in time if she is.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I always scratch my head when one partner tells another they plan to leave somewhere long-term down the road.

I don't know if this is necessarily a good idea or not, but I think I would do it. I would like to see her reaction. Of course, don't say it unless you are absolutely prepared to execute it.

"Wife, why should we wait around for you to leave me in a year's time? That doesn't really work for me. I'll consult an attorney this week so we can get the process started next week, and hopefully we can have this wrapped up in 90 days. Start thinking about how you want to divide assets."

Then go out and hang out with a friend. Or go work out. Or do one of the activities that rtz mentioned above.

One thing I can promise you..If you adhere to her plan, it will be geared toward the best possible outcome for her. Your results will be given secondary consideration.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Approaching empty nest is a very interesting time of life. It is a time when the couple reinvents the relationship. I'm not sure I've done that well at it, but some things have been good. Vacations. we don't have to go to kid friendly places. We can change the schedule anytime we want. Hobbies, We've combined a few of our favorites into a regular volunteer job we do together. We still have outside hobbies, I shoot, and she reads for example. She doesn't understand Why I want to rebuild an old shotgun, or build a muzzle loader, but she ok's the expenses. I don't read at the volume she does any more and I could care less about her new authors, but I don't complain about the e-book bill. 

This did not happen by accident. It happened by specific invitation, and when the invitations were rejected, I just went alone. She decided she didn't want to be roommates without a shared passion. So she started to find ways she could participate in the things I was interested in. She also found parts of her interests in my world. You don't have to agree on everything, but you should at least find some shared interests. 

You've lived to be with the kids for so long. Now you don't have that outlet any more. The kids are doing their own thing. You can do things with this wife, or you can do things alone. Or if you really want to you can find a new partner.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I agree with Far. If she wants a divorce in the future, why wait? What is waiting going to achieve? Why do you have to wait for her to get her plans situated?

Divorce now so you can start living your life, the way you want to. 

Heaven knows how long any of us have left to live. Life is too short to waste it on people like this.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> I always scratch my head when one partner tells another they plan to leave somewhere long-term down the road.
> 
> I don't know if this is necessarily a good idea or not, but I think I would do it. I would like to see her reaction. Of course, don't say it unless you are absolutely prepared to execute it.
> 
> ...


She's let you know what she's thinking about. And, it's not you.

Give her something to think about.


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