# Confused about boundaries



## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
I wanted to get some clarification on defining boundaries with my husband. We have been discussing this and are having trouble coming to an agreement or compromise. 
He tends to go sleep in a spare room after we have a fight. I say that my boundary is "We sleep in the same bed no matter what". Is this fair? Now he says his boundary is "We don't fight". Is this fair? He tends to be insensitive and I tend to be emotional. So I say it is not possible for us not to fight. And it is not fair for him to ask that. He says I violate his boundary to not fight, so all bets are pretty much off.
What do you think?
Thanks for your replies.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

If his going to another room is due to actually requiring sleep, let him, and find another boundary you all can abide by. When my wife and I have an argument, we'd lay there all night not saying a word, tossing and turning, huffing and puffing, you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. I found that by going to another room, I can actually get some sleep and not impact the next day's performance. By then, tensions have cooled and we can discuss the issue.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't think your boundary is really a boundary...more like a demand. A boundary is an action you take to protect yourself, not something to control another person.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Stop fighting. It's not productive. Learn to communicate effectively without letting it escalate to a fight. Fighting implies a winner and a loser. Compromising and reaching a middle ground that both partners can live with should be the goal.

Marriage counseling is in order to help you learn to communicate effectively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

grisha said:


> Hi Everyone,
> I wanted to get some clarification on defining boundaries with my husband. We have been discussing this and are having trouble coming to an agreement or compromise.
> He tends to go sleep in a spare room after we have a fight. I say that my boundary is "We sleep in the same bed no matter what". Is this fair? Now he says his boundary is "We don't fight". Is this fair? He tends to be insensitive and I tend to be emotional. So I say it is not possible for us not to fight. And it is not fair for him to ask that. He says I violate his boundary to not fight, so all bets are pretty much off.
> What do you think?
> ...


Just my opinion, but demanding you sleep in the same bed isn't a boundary, it's a demand. It doesn't make it wrong, but the way I'd word it is as a request.

Demanding not to fight is neither a boundary nor is it realistic.

Jointly agree to rules to fight cleanly. You can include sleeping together after as part of those rules, and stuff like no name calling, etc.

A boundary for me is stuff like "if you develop romantic feelings for someone else I am not going to stay married to you."


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Thank you for replying.
I suppose I am have trouble distinguishing between a boundary and a demand. I was thinking about it in terms on protecting my own emotional well being and how him sleeping in other room is making me feel. It makes me feel abandoned, unsafe and uncertain about the future on my relationship. I may have personal issues causing me to feel this way, but it is what it is. So I thought I was trying to protect myself. He is not sleeping in the other room for a nights. He is usually there for a week or so until things are completely back to normal. It is actually a visious cycle - we have a fight, he says something insensitive, I get hurt and emotional. He gets upset, goes into the spare room, I get more hurt, he gets more upset, etc.
How is asking your partner not to cheat is not a demand?
Also, can anyone explain why "I don't want to fight" is not a boundary. I feel it is not, but I can't seem to explain it to my husband. 
We have been to counseling, but he was not taking it seriously/even sabotaging it.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Sounds like there is more focus on being right than being together. I'm pretty sure that the "no fighting" boundary was made in response to the sleeping arrangement boundary. 

I'd be less concerned with making him understand what is and isn't a boundary and be more focused on both of you understanding compromise and working towards that instead.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud may be of help. There's a free PDF if you do a search.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

grisha said:


> Thank you for replying.
> I suppose I am have trouble distinguishing between a boundary and a demand. I was thinking about it in terms on protecting my own emotional well being and how him sleeping in other room is making me feel. It makes me feel abandoned, unsafe and uncertain about the future on my relationship. I may have personal issues causing me to feel this way, but it is what it is. So I thought I was trying to protect myself. He is not sleeping in the other room for a nights. He is usually there for a week or so until things are completely back to normal. It is actually a visious cycle - we have a fight, he says something insensitive, I get hurt and emotional. He gets upset, goes into the spare room, I get more hurt, he gets more upset, etc.
> How is asking your partner not to cheat is not a demand?
> Also, can anyone explain why "I don't want to fight" is not a boundary. I feel it is not, but I can't seem to explain it to my husband.
> We have been to counseling, but he was not taking it seriously/even sabotaging it.


Boundaries are setting rules for yourself and what you will tolerate. If my spouse cheats, I will file for divorce. If my spouse buys a new car without discussing it with me, I won't share a bank account with them any longer. Demands are imposed on someone else. You will give me this. You must do this. 

*What kind of things are you fighting about? What do you two do to resolve the hurt feelings when you're done fighting? *


I often recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud. It's very heavy on the Christian rhetoric, so if you're not Christian you'll have to read past it. The points made are spot on, regardless of your faith or lack thereof.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Boundaries*- Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Peaf said:


> Sounds like there is more focus on being right than being together. I'm pretty sure that the "no fighting" boundary was made in response to the sleeping arrangement boundary.


I agree with this. The "no fighting" boundary in response to wanting a boundary about not sleeping separate seems like its his way of turning the blame around on YOU, its manipulation. As in the only reason HE sleeps in the other room is because YOU insist on fighting. Well, it takes two to make a fight. (also, everyone in relationships has fights, its normal...fighting often and nasty is not) This on top of the fact that he sleeps apart from you for several days, these are control tactics. And then you said he sabotaged counseling?? Is this really the kind of person you wish to spend the next 50 years of your life with?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

grisha said:


> we have a fight, he says something insensitive, I get hurt and emotional. He gets upset, goes into the spare room, I get more hurt, he gets more upset, etc.


My household plays out the same cycle. 

You need to learn to understand your husband's point of view and feelings. You are focused only on yourself. Of course your husband gets *emotional* too (not just you. ) That is why he needs to go into the spare room to sleep, so that he can calm his emotions. His emotions may be different from those you are experiencing but he still has them. 

I bet you say things that are insensitive too, if you really cared enough to think about what you said. And even if YOU do not think what you say is insensitive, I bet your husband thinks otherwise.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, just tell your husband that if he sleeps in the spare bedroom he is going to miss out on the amazing makeup sex.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

"No fighting" boundary was made before "sleeping arrangement" boundary. "No fighting" actually started off as a need when I have tried to discuss "his needs her needs" book. He said "No fighting" was his need. When I tried to discuss boundaries, it became a boundary. 
Regarding reasons for fighting, the last one went as follows: I had a medical procedure that he was supposed to accompany me to. The night before he acted like he forgot all about it telling me what he was going to need to do for work with no mention of the med. procedure. I got upset and asked how could he forget. Then I guess he got upset at me being upset and told me I was getting agitated. I got more upset. He then looked up a definition of "agitated" and said he didn't understand what I was getting upset about. I then got livid. He got more upset, and it all went downhill. This is pretty typical scenario. Afterwards, he would tell me that I am moody and get upset about little things. I get it that people forget, but all he needed to do was either say something nice ("I am sorry I forgot this important appointment") or not say anything at all. I wasn't trying to be right. 
What do you think is his point of view in this situation? I did understand that he forgot, but he didn't really have to add fuel to the fire and tell me I am agitated.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Another thing I don't understand is why he is getting emotional. Yes, I am emotional, but what is his reason? Yes, I was emotional, but I wasn't being mean.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

grisha said:


> "No fighting" boundary was made before "sleeping arrangement" boundary. "No fighting" actually started off as a need when I have tried to discuss "his needs her needs" book. He said "No fighting" was his need. When I tried to discuss boundaries, it became a boundary.
> Regarding reasons for fighting, the last one went as follows: I had a medical procedure that he was supposed to accompany me to. The night before he acted like he forgot all about it telling me what he was going to need to do for work with no mention of the med. procedure. I got upset and asked how could he forget. Then I guess he got upset at me being upset and told me I was getting agitated. I got more upset. He then looked up a definition of "agitated" and said he didn't understand what I was getting upset about. I then got livid. He got more upset, and it all went downhill. This is pretty typical scenario. Afterwards, he would tell me that I am moody and get upset about little things. I get it that people forget, but all he needed to do was either say something nice ("I am sorry I forgot this important appointment") or not say anything at all. I wasn't trying to be right.
> What do you think is his point of view in this situation? I did understand that he forgot, but he didn't really have to add fuel to the fire and tell me I am agitated.


You two are going to HAVE to cut this out or there won't be a marriage left to fight over.

Look... there are constructive ways to deal with things and destructive ways to deal with things. 

I see BOTH of you not taking responsibility for your contribution to the issues. That's destructive, therefore, you BOTH need work. 

He needs to be a man of his word and be concerned for your well being and YOU need to learn to not fret if he needs space. That is NORMAL for a man who is upset. Just let him have his space. He will thank you later for it. And you both need to be able to handle constructive criticism. If he gets to the point where he will NOT accept constructive criticism from ANYONE, you married a narcissist. If that ends up being the case you will need to approach this differently, but until then..... at least start working on calming down when he needs space.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

grisha said:


> Regarding reasons for fighting, the last one went as follows: I had a medical procedure that he was supposed to accompany me to. The night before he acted like he forgot all about it telling me what he was going to need to do for work with no mention of the med. procedure. I got upset and asked how could he forget. Then I guess he got upset at me being upset and told me I was getting agitated. I got more upset. He then looked up a definition of "agitated" and said he didn't understand what I was getting upset about. I then got livid. He got more upset, and it all went downhill. This is pretty typical scenario. Afterwards, he would tell me that I am moody and get upset about little things. I get it that people forget, but all he needed to do was either say something nice ("I am sorry I forgot this important appointment") or not say anything at all. I wasn't trying to be right.
> What do you think is his point of view in this situation? I did understand that he forgot, but he didn't really have to add fuel to the fire and tell me I am agitated.


Grisha, YOU started the fight when you ask how could he forget. That was insensitive and was an attack on him. I know you were upset and he was a jerk to forget, but you have the power to diffuse the situation. Both of you are in a cycle of fighting. I recognize what you are doing in my household. Would you have treated your boss or a friend the same way? Probably not, and you do not even love them like you love your husband. At least I hope not. 

Without getting upset, you could have just said "It is very important to me that you accompany me on this appointment. Can you clear your schedule to come with me"? Yes, he probably forgot, but then your words give him an out and he can step up and say "Yes, I will go with you." 

I too get upset when my wife is upset. We fight just like you and your H. Am I there yet with my wife? No. Not yet. I am trying. 

We both can do better. :smile2: Hopefully, as you do better, your husband will catch on. Break the cycle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

grisha said:


> Thank you for replying.
> I suppose I am have trouble distinguishing between a boundary and a demand. I was thinking about it in terms on protecting my own emotional well being and how him sleeping in other room is making me feel. It makes me feel abandoned, unsafe and uncertain about the future on my relationship. I may have personal issues causing me to feel this way, but it is what it is. So I thought I was trying to protect myself. He is not sleeping in the other room for a nights. He is usually there for a week or so until things are completely back to normal. It is actually a visious cycle - we have a fight, he says something insensitive, I get hurt and emotional. He gets upset, goes into the spare room, I get more hurt, he gets more upset, etc.
> How is asking your partner not to cheat is not a demand?
> Also, can anyone explain why "I don't want to fight" is not a boundary. I feel it is not, but I can't seem to explain it to my husband.
> We have been to counseling, but he was not taking it seriously/even sabotaging it.


The first thing you have to understand is that you can't MAKE another person do ANYTHING.

You telling him that he 'must' sleep in your bed after a fight is, well, silly. What are you going to do? Rope him and pull him in there?

As has been said, a boundary is what YOU will accept in YOUR life - which you inform to your spouse - but it must be combined with a consequence that YOU enact as a result of him crossing that boundary. It's what YOU do, not him.

Example: "I will not accept being yelled at. If I am yelled at, I will leave the room so as to not BE yelled at any more." And then if he yells anyway, you LEAVE THE ROOM.

It's YOUR action that YOU do to protect yourself.

I spent years in therapy trying to get my H to be/do what I needed. When I was finally so fed up that I was ready to pack up and leave, he finally - after 30 years - agree to go to MC. And of course, like your H, then did nothing with it. In anger, I chewed out the MC (also my IC), and she just said 'T, this was never about him changing. It's about YOU changing so that you stop waiting for and depending on him to change. Since that's a lesson in futility, since you can't control him or make him do anything. Figure out what YOU will do to make yourself happy.'

Now, as to that specific issue, he is a 'withdrawer.' He withdraws when he is overwhelmed with emotion. He refuses to fix it, discuss it, he just waits til you tire of being emotional and go back to normal. So what can you do? Control yourself. Learn not to let whether he is in your bed affect your happiness. As my IC/MC would say, 'if he wants to act like a child, your job is to treat him like a child - ignore his childish actions.' 

Of course, that means that you then have a choice - sweep the issue/argument under the rug and go back to pretending you two are happy, or refuse to cooperate with him until he addresses the issue, whatever it was. That will require you to take a hard stance. As in 'until you're ready to resolve the budget/kids/work/whatever issue with me, I'm going to live a separate life from you. No more sex, no more romance, no more fun. If you won't participate in this marriage in a healthy way, I'd rather be single.'

That said, you also have a lot to learn in how to react to a man. If you've read HNHN, you know that a man's top Emotional Needs is almost always Admiration. So the way you approach him in these things is doing a lot to say 'I don't respect you.' So of course he's going to react negatively. That hurts him just as much as him not caring about your feelings or remembering your surgery hurts YOU.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP I go through similar stuff with my H. And he can be insensitive as well. You guys have to learn how to communicate better, as other posters have mentioned. 

My husband and I could never fight, because it would escalate in 5 minutes and we would be screaming at each other. We would literally have to wait until we went to a marriage counseling session to discuss stuff. And as soon as he perceived that I was upset with him, he would sleep on the couch for nights until we came to an agreement (usually me coming to him and talking to him). 

After many marriage counseling sessions, we have gotten MUCH better at "fighting" or should I say disagreeing with each other. When I approach him, I try to make whatever is bothering me NOT to be an attack on him, but to say "this is how this makes me feel...it makes me uncomfortable or it makes me feel like you don't care about how *I feel*, etc". When you do that, your spouse is MUCH MORE apt to actually LISTEN to what you are saying. It takes practice and it takes time. But it will improve if you both work at it. 

The "no fighting" is not reality. Spouses are going to have disagreements, it's part of being married. But your H may not like conflicts...like my H. So that is probably why he is saying "no fighting"...


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

grisha said:


> "No fighting" boundary was made before "sleeping arrangement" boundary. "No fighting" actually started off as a need when I have tried to discuss "his needs her needs" book. He said "No fighting" was his need. When I tried to discuss boundaries, it became a boundary.
> Regarding reasons for fighting, the last one went as follows: I had a medical procedure that he was supposed to accompany me to. The night before he acted like he forgot all about it telling me what he was going to need to do for work with no mention of the med. procedure. I got upset and asked how could he forget. Then I guess he got upset at me being upset and told me I was getting agitated. I got more upset. He then looked up a definition of "agitated" and said he didn't understand what I was getting upset about. I then got livid. He got more upset, and it all went downhill. This is pretty typical scenario. Afterwards, he would tell me that I am moody and get upset about little things. I get it that people forget, but all he needed to do was either say something nice ("I am sorry I forgot this important appointment") or not say anything at all. I wasn't trying to be right.
> What do you think is his point of view in this situation? I did understand that he forgot, but he didn't really have to add fuel to the fire and tell me I am agitated.


My take on this:
If you jumped straight into "How could you forget!" you started off accusatory and agitated which made your H defensive. He bristled, which resulted in you getting more upset. This in turn spiraled for the both of you.

In situations like that, instead of getting accusatory at the beginning with statements like "How could you XXX?!" start with "Hey, don't forget I've got my appointment tomorrow. You're still coming right?"

If he says no, or he can't, respond with a gentle but firm "H, you said you were coming, remember? It's really important to me that you be there."


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

grisha said:


> Another thing I don't understand is why he is getting emotional. Yes, I am emotional, but what is his reason? Yes, I was emotional, but I wasn't being mean.


What was the topic when he got emotional? 

I agree with others, him sleeping in the same bed is a demand, not a boundary. Now, you might say that you (want, need / demand) a husband that sleeps in your bed with you each night. But he has needs too, and a relationship is all about balancing each others needs for the mutual good. 

His "no fighting" boundary is too vague. No hitting, no yelling, no pouting ect would be reasonable. But he should be willing to mirror the same if he expects it from you.

It's normal to have disagreements. But there are other ways to deal with them than fighting. First you need to learn to communicate. This is where therapists can be helpful. 

If he is sabotaging therapy, call him out on it. Ask him why. Reinforce that you love him, and you want your marriage to work, so you are confused by why he isn't taking it seriously. 

Typically anger is used as a 'protective' emotion. If he is getting angry about a particular topic, what is he protecting?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm waiting to see if @grisha returns.

Some things I'm thinking on this thread:
Grisha is an interesting choice of user name.
He chose "no fighting" as an emotional need. Often in the process of analyzing emotional needs we tend to focus on what we are missing most. Another word for "no fighting" would be peace, or domestic tranquility. Do you think he gets enough Peace as a part of his emotional need for Domestic Support.
Your need to always sleep together could be an expression of your emotional need for Sex or touch.
You are both dirty fighters, who could use some improvements in communication. Looking up a word in the dictionary is nit picking and misdirection. On the other hand one meaning of livid is a dark grayish blue, Were you that mad? You rob him of peace, and he responds by withdrawing affection. This is straight up black mail on both parts and no way for two people who love each other to act.
Your boundaries are lines in the sand. Drawn at random as part of a pi55ing contest. Real boundaries are well guarded borders that protect the relationship. They generally protect both partners, and are not an expression of ones needs.
Grisha, (watchful) I would advise you to encourage him to meet your needs by being sensitive to his. There are many ways that he can have peace, and you can have physical touch, affection and even sex at the same time. 

Did you interrupt his Peace time to ask about the medical appointment?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

grisha said:


> Thank you for replying.
> I suppose I am have trouble distinguishing between a boundary and a demand. I was thinking about it in terms on protecting my own emotional well being and how him sleeping in other room is making me feel. It makes me feel abandoned, unsafe and uncertain about the future on my relationship. I may have personal issues causing me to feel this way, but it is what it is. So I thought I was trying to protect myself. He is not sleeping in the other room for a nights. He is usually there for a week or so until things are completely back to normal. It is actually a visious cycle - we have a fight, he says something insensitive, I get hurt and emotional. He gets upset, goes into the spare room, I get more hurt, he gets more upset, etc.
> How is asking your partner not to cheat is not a demand?
> Also, can anyone explain why "I don't want to fight" is not a boundary. I feel it is not, but I can't seem to explain it to my husband.
> We have been to counseling, but he was not taking it seriously/even sabotaging it.


Hi grisha 

I can relate to your husband. I'm not good with conflict (working on it) and really dislike 'fighting.' Disagreements, ok. But, I have a tendency to 'retreat,' and not deal with the conflict at hand. Like your husband, I've been known to walk out of the room, leave a party, get in my car and drive off. (not with my fiance, but, we haven't been 'tested' yet lol ...we have had disagreements, but nothing major yet) So, your husband doesn't like dealing with conflict for a reason. You have to find out that reason. Conflict is part of every relationship...at work, friendships, marriage, dating...etc. Conflict is part of life. Now, if all you ever have is conflict, that's not good. But, it sounds like he just doesn't know how to handle conflict, and so he goes to stay in another room for a few days ...a week. 

Hope he learns to handle conflict better with you. You also can learn to handle it better, by not being too aggressive, raising your voice, etc...Conflict resistant people like him and me, hear you...but we are tuning you out until you calm down. 

Hope things get better!


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

I agree that I have overreacted in response to him forgetting. My issue is that he forgets many thing and expects me to remember/remind him. I had tests done the week prior, which were also forgotten about. He never asked me what were the results. 
I have been working on making myself happy and not relying on him, but I am still figuring out how to do it. He doesn't like it very much and starts to complain. I used to organize all our weekend activities, but then I've realized that I am the only one doing so and stopped. When he noticed, he said that our relationship is going downhill as we are not doing things together any more. 
Yes, I know that the top emotional need for guys is admiration, and I have asked him. He didn't want to talk about it and said as long as we don't fight he is happy. So I've tried meeting it anyways, then realized that he is making no attempt to meet mine, so I stopped. 
When I tell him how I feel, his usual reply is "there are your feeling and there is nothing I can do to change them", which I also find hurtful.
He is conflict avoidant in a sense that when everything is calm, he doesn't want to discuss things. He only wants to discuss when we are fighting, and his idea of discussing is explaining the facts to me as he perceives them. Our discussions are usually him talking and saying things over and over again. I try to listen but I eventually either zone out or burst into tears feeling attacked. He avoid the conflict until it starts. Once it starts, he gets intense and aggressive, and I withdraw as I feel threated.
He did say that he wants domestic tranquility, which I was willing to discuss how to achieve. But I would like to see some effort on his part as well. Yes, I am probably robbing him of his peace. I used to talk about my love languages and needs a lot, but didn't really get anywhere. It looks like he may be using that now to hurt me. 
I have asked about medical appointment when we were having dinner so I don't think I have interrupted his peaceful time. I think I want him to be assertive and to take initiative, and he doesn't like to think too much or be considerate. But at the same time he wants to make decision, and he doesn't like me telling him what to do. 
I don't even know if I am making any sense any longer.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

grisha said:


> I agree that I have overreacted in response to him forgetting. My issue is that he forgets many thing and expects me to remember/remind him. I had tests done the week prior, which were also forgotten about. He never asked me what were the results.
> I have been working on making myself happy and not relying on him, but I am still figuring out how to do it. He doesn't like it very much and starts to complain. I used to organize all our weekend activities, but then I've realized that I am the only one doing so and stopped. When he noticed, he said that our relationship is going downhill as we are not doing things together any more.
> Yes, I know that the top emotional need for guys is admiration, and I have asked him. He didn't want to talk about it and said as long as we don't fight he is happy. So I've tried meeting it anyways, then realized that he is making no attempt to meet mine, so I stopped.
> When I tell him how I feel, his usual reply is "there are your feeling and there is nothing I can do to change them", which I also find hurtful.
> ...


Are you wound up right now?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

grisha said:


> I agree that I have overreacted in response to him forgetting. My issue is that he forgets many thing and expects me to remember/remind him.


Here's my take on this.

Men grow up, as boys, letting their FEMALE mother take care of them. Handle everything. Smother them. Make sure everything runs smoothly.

Erego, most men grow UP to expect the NEXT woman in their life to do the exact same thing - smooth things over, take care of everything, be the FEMALE and make sure life is easy.

They don't even know they're doing it. It just comes instinctually.

The solution to that is to TELL the man that you are NOT their mother or maid or secretary, and you will NOT be the 'female' in their life who does all this crap - not unless they, in turn, are doing all the 'male' things like keeping everything running, fixing broken stuff, etc.


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## goodlife1 (Mar 10, 2016)

Its funny that his "boundary" is not to fight. Obviously, as you realize it is not possible even for great couples to never fight. I think he was just being grumpy when he said that. Reminds me of my husband..he wants to have upper hand & says things that take the argument at a tangent. I think your husband also realizes what he said is not practical, or at least I hope so, because all couples will fight sometime. I agree with another poster that maybe your husband was being emotional too. I understand why you feel that you must sleep together no matter what. Im that way too. But may be your husband feels the need to distance himself a bit after a fresh fight.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

@grisha ,
Your strategy is at odds with your goals. Here is what you are doing.
You are compiling a list of grievances. This is grudge holding. It helps you to detach emotionally.
You are withdrawing emotional support. This helps him to detach emotionally.
This strategy is leading to separation and divorce. You keep saying that is not what you want.

Some other things that are not going right. Your mans top emotional need may not be the same as other men's top emotional need. I'm not seeing him seeking admiration. A man seeking admiration spends more time together, plans things, and looks for ways to earn those Kudos. You use fighting as a way to get his attention. Whenever you feel he is forgetting, you push his buttons until he reacts. He responds in a way that effectively gets you to stop the undesirable action. This leaves you frustrated because you didn't want him angry you wanted him to pay attention to you. Can you think of better ways to get his attention?

It is O K for one person to plan most of the activities in a relationship. It happens all the time. Go over to the men's clubhouse and you will find thread after thread of men complaining that there female partners won't initiate sex. Another example, My wife informed me that this year I needed to plan our vacation because she did it last year. Last year she said I want to go to Oregon. I found the beaches, light houses , campgrounds, Hotels, and restaurants. I made the reservations, I collected the maps, I prepared the car. And this year to be fair I also get to choose the destination. This is normal (as much as I hate that word). In a partnership each person does what they are best at. Obviously your Husband is Rubbish at keeping a calendar. What is he good at, Other than pi55ing you off, and Sulking? There must be something that attracted you to him.

Remember he doesn't want to fight you, but if you are going to do it he does want to win. You don't care whether or not you win in fact all you really want is him. 
Focus your efforts on domestic support. That role of being the Female that smooths the paths. If you take the advice to reject that role, you will lose him. As part of that, make sure he sees a physical calendar every day. The calendar will include everything you don't want him to forget including Couple activities. If he needs to call and make a reservation on Wednesday put it on the calendar, so that Saturday he is ready for the activity. 

In fairness Turnera is correct there is a Male role in Domestic Support, Is he doing those things? Keeping things fixed? Oil Changed? Trash out? Toilets cleaned? Doing these also helps smooth the path.
MN


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> @grisha ,
> Your strategy is at odds with your goals. Here is what you are doing.
> You are compiling a list of grievances. This is grudge holding. It helps you to detach emotionally.
> You are withdrawing emotional support. This helps him to detach emotionally.
> ...


Nailed it Mr. Nail.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I'm the same as you. I'm emotional and my husband is insensitive. When I get mad and we fight he sleeps in the spare room. Then after I cool down, I miss him in bed with me and I go down there and crawl into bed with him (even though it's a twin). It breaks my heart when he doesn't want to sleep with me even though we just fought. I just climb into bed with him and I don't say a word. He secretly loves it.


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## stacylong (Mar 14, 2016)

grisha said:


> Thank you for replying.
> I suppose I am have trouble distinguishing between a boundary and a demand. I was thinking about it in terms on protecting my own emotional well being and how him sleeping in other room is making me feel. It makes me feel abandoned, unsafe and uncertain about the future on my relationship. I may have personal issues causing me to feel this way, but it is what it is. So I thought I was trying to protect myself. He is not sleeping in the other room for a nights. He is usually there for a week or so until things are completely back to normal. It is actually a visious cycle - we have a fight, he says something insensitive, I get hurt and emotional. He gets upset, goes into the spare room, I get more hurt, he gets more upset, etc.
> How is asking your partner not to cheat is not a demand?
> Also, can anyone explain why "I don't want to fight" is not a boundary. I feel it is not, but I can't seem to explain it to my husband.
> We have been to counseling, but he was not taking it seriously/even sabotaging it.


My personal opinion is you and him need to find a way to talk things out. I have occasionally slept in another room from my spouse for both reasons of sleep and reasons of anger. I can only speak for myself but there is something about sleeping in the same bed with your spouse that keeps you connected, even when you are so mad at each other that you cant talk. Your spouse going to another room for a week seems to be more of an avoidance issue. It sounds like he may have issues in his life that he needs to learn to deal with. In a marriage you cant just cut yourself off from your spouse as a way to heal or deal with things.


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