# Confess to spouse: Good idea or bad?



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Today I ran into a double zombie thread (twice resurrected) about a woman who was in an EA deciding whether or not to tell her husband:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26847-beginnings-ea-tell-husband.html

The thread from nearly three years ago was the thread that convinced me to confess my EA to my wife. I even posted in it encouraging her to tell her husband about it. The thread died but was resurrected in January by robertsmithx86 who wanted to know what happened. Did she tell her husband or not and what happened? He had an SO who trickle truth’ed him while he discovered the truth from other sources. He lamented that he hoped she had confessed and worked on the issue because his relationship was destroyed by her keeping it from him. He clearly thought and hoped that she confessed and I chose confession myself. 

robertsmithx86's post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26847-beginnings-ea-tell-husband-7.html#post6608977

So my question to the forum is should one confess to a spouse and why? When I was deciding what to do about it myself it seemed like the consensus on the internet was that one should not confess because it was just a transferal of guilt to relieve your pain which was a purely selfish act. Furthermore what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. It was the safe play. I reasoned differently and thought that I shouldn’t have secrets from my wife and that if she knew and I was under her scrutiny it would be that much more protection against any escalation. She should know my feelings and decide what she wanted to do. The risk was that the marriage would be over. Is it worth the risk to the marriage to confess? I have had at least two members tell me directly that they would have divorced me. Fortunately my wife didn’t. It was the worst thing I ever did to her. She didn’t lash out she just cried and it broke my heart. It was clear I hurt her very deeply but the discussion and my actions led to more openness and we worked through it.

What would you do? Have you ever had to confess anything big to your spouse and what happened? It doesn’t need to be an EA but something significant. One funny confession I made was about ten years ago when I went through a phase of googling people I used to know, I googled my ex fiancé and got a hit that sounded just like her with the same degrees, career etc. I discovered that she had kids and the age would have made it her oldest mine possibly. Then I remembered all the letters she used to send (before email was common) that I ripped up without even opening. I thought the worst. I decided that I didn’t want somebody showing up at my door asking for Dad. So one morning at breakfast I confessed that I might have a kid that wasn’t one of ours. She took it well and even tried to tell me that it wasn’t likely because it was a month off. Anyway curiosity got the best of me so I did a record search and found that the woman I found was not my ex fiancé even though so many other things matched. I felt foolish but glad that I was able to go to my wife about it. Even this small confession helped me with the big one.

What is the TAM consensus?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First, possibly having a son or daughter surprising you an your wife is not a small confession AT ALL!

If you're certain a spouse will never find out, I wouldn't tell. I do feel like it is transferring a burden that wholly belongs to one person. I know a lot of people here will disagree and that's okay.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> First, possibly having a son or daughter surprising you an your wife is not a small confession AT ALL!


I guess it seems small in comparison. Thinking back I was hesitant to bring it up but not to the same extent when I considered my marriage might end.



Anon Pink said:


> If you're certain a spouse will never find out, I wouldn't tell. I do feel like it is transferring a burden that wholly belongs to one person. I know a lot of people here will disagree and that's okay.


This is what most commentaries said back when I researched it. I'm thinking that it depends upon your spouse to a certain extent. There were a surprising number of people that said they wouldn't want to know. 

In my case I don't think she could have known for sure but she knew in her gut. And I knew she knew by some comments she made. I think for me it was also about being honest with myself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

meson said:


> I guess it seems small in comparison. Thinking back I was hesitant to bring it up but not to the same extent when I considered my marriage might end.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't deny the honesty is important. It is a sticky situation. I just don't think relieving yourself of your guilty conscious on your spouse is the best option.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

I'm definitely on the other side of this. I think a spouse deserves to know. I wouldn't have divorced my exwife over her emotional affair but it would have helped me to figure out what was going on in my marriage. Perhaps I would have handled some things differently. But...I did not have that luxury and was not granted that knowledge to use in making decisions about my own life. I don't understand why anyone would suggest hiding the truth from a spouse.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't deny the honesty is important. It is a sticky situation. I just don't think relieving yourself of your guilty conscious on your spouse is the best option.


I agree this reason is very poor by itself.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Paradise said:


> I'm definitely on the other side of this. I think a spouse deserves to know. I wouldn't have divorced my exwife over her emotional affair but it would have helped me to figure out what was going on in my marriage. Perhaps I would have handled some things differently. But...I did not have that luxury and was not granted that knowledge to use in making decisions about my own life. I don't understand why anyone would suggest hiding the truth from a spouse.


Those that suggest this usually say they want to avoid causing pain to their spouse.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think a better way of looking at this would be to ask yourself, 'would you want to know?'. Would you?

I would want to know, not because I'm a masochist, but because if my spouse was vulnerable to that sort of thing once, they could be again, and if I don't even KNOW there's a problem, how am I going to attempt to resolve it?

I don't consider myself a brave person, but I don't want to hide from reality. Don't let me live in a state of ignorance; I don't want to be ignorant of things that are happening to the person who is the most important person in my life.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

meson said:


> Those that suggest this usually say they want to avoid causing pain to their spouse.


That's freaking hilarious.....I don't want to cause my spouse pain but I'm going to go ahead and have an emotional/physical affair and not tell them about it. What a swell person I am!!!! :rofl:

People crack me up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

breeze said:


> I think a better way of looking at this would be to ask yourself, 'would you want to know?'. Would you?


I would. I share everything with him, and I would like him to share everything with me. I know that is hard, not only to give, but to receive. But like breeze said, then we know what we are dealing with, and we can work on it together.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

meson said:


> Those that suggest this usually say they want to avoid causing pain to their spouse.


This always struck me as a cop-out. An excuse to avoid grief, and enjoy continued benefits of loving trust.

Perhaps there are people who really don't want to know. For me, I couldn't be in a relationship where quietly deceiving the other was considered a best option.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*OK! So you're going to go ahead and have an EA or PA and not even bother to tell your spouse, theorizing that they'll likely just never get around to finding out about it! Is there a total ironclad proof that they'll never discover it?

Well if waiting around until it is discovered is your forte', then not only are you going to have to confess to what you actually did to them that was of a cheating nature, but you'll also have to also explain why you didn't tell them sooner, choosing to wait until much later! Is that going to work well for you?

Good luck with that!*


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

breeze said:


> I think a better way of looking at this would be to ask yourself, 'would you want to know?'. Would you?
> 
> I would want to know, not because I'm a masochist, but because if my spouse was vulnerable to that sort of thing once, they could be again, and if I don't even KNOW there's a problem, how am I going to attempt to resolve it?
> 
> I don't consider myself a brave person, but I don't want to hide from reality. Don't let me live in a state of ignorance; I don't want to be ignorant of things that are happening to the person who is the most important person in my life.


I would want to know despite the pain that would ensue. The key point here is that we should be aware of the key events in our spouses lives good or bad. We can the help them trough issues of we know what the issues are. Frequently the issues that are hidden from everyone are the ones that are never addressed.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I would want to know. In my view, if my W were to keep such a secret from me she would essentially be treating me as a fool. My marriage would be based on an illusion.

For those who would elect not to tell--fine, that's a way to go and I accept it. But I do not accept that it is to "spare the betrayed spouse pain." It is to spare the cheating spouse the trouble of dealing with his/her own mess.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'd want to know. Because if he wants someone else, I want to show him the door!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

always_alone said:


> This always struck me as a cop-out. An excuse to avoid grief, and enjoy continued benefits of loving trust.
> 
> Perhaps there are people who really don't want to know. For me, I couldn't be in a relationship where quietly deceiving the other was considered a best option.


That's the problem with the dilemma. You're selfish if you disclose because you're transferring guilt. And you are selfish if you keep it to your self because you are receiving love under a pretense. 

I suspect that a lot of people choose the easiest path which seems to minimize a risk of a bad reaction to the news. If the goal is to keep the marriage this choice seems to do it. 

Over a year ago I had a pm exchange with a short lived member who was faced with this quandary and their reasoning was that they made a mistake and learned from it. They were afraid that their spouse would no longer trust them. However they felt that because they had withdrawn from the EA that it would no longer be a problem. Thus they saw not telling as the safest option because they wouldn't make the mistake again and all would be like it was before. 

To me this was equivalent to pretending it didn't happen. They might fall under similar circumstances in the future and the spouse would have no idea of their weakness.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

meson said:


> That's the problem with the dilemma. You're selfish if you disclose because you're transferring guilt. And you are selfish if you keep it to your self because you are receiving love under a pretense.
> 
> I suspect that a lot of people choose the easiest path which seems to minimize a risk of a bad reaction to the news. If the goal is to keep the marriage this choice seems to do it.
> 
> ...


When a spouse doesn't have information pertaining to their own life then they cannot make good decisions. The marriage is now a lie, with only one person having the knowledge. Those who choose to look at this scenario as "I'm protecting my spouse" are twisting it to meet their own agenda. In reality it has nothing to do with the spouse.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

meson said:


> That's the problem with the dilemma. You're selfish if you disclose because you're transferring guilt.


I still can't wrap my head around this part. Sure the news that you've cheated is likely to upset a spouse, but how is it tat you would be transferring guilt to them?

They didn't do anything -and if they did shouldn't they know so they can do something about it?

And it's all very well and good to say "I've learned my lesson, won't do it again, promise". But I'm guessing that a goodly proportion of cheaters started the whole relationship with promises of fidelity, and claims like "I would never do such a thing."

Words are cheap, and I can't help but think a spouse deserves to know what's going on in their own relationship.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I would def tell. I almost had an EA/PA two years ago. I was plagued with so much confusion and guilt I confessed my struggle to DH. It was very hard, but became very FREEING. We worked on some issues in our marriage that had been swept under the rug. I never have regretted it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

meson said:


> That's the problem with the dilemma. You're selfish if you disclose because you're transferring guilt. And you are selfish if you keep it to your self because you are receiving love under a pretense.
> 
> I suspect that a lot of people choose the easiest path which seems to minimize a risk of a bad reaction to the news. If the goal is to keep the marriage this choice seems to do it.
> 
> ...



Great post!


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Paradise said:


> When a spouse doesn't have information pertaining to their own life then they cannot make good decisions. The marriage is now a lie, with only one person having the knowledge. Those who choose to look at this scenario as "I'm protecting my spouse" are twisting it to meet their own agenda. In reality it has nothing to do with the spouse.


:iagree:. I see it this way too.

And justifications of "protection", "transference of guilt", "placing the burden on them" just seem like so much double-talk.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Philat said:


> I would want to know. In my view, if my W were to keep such a secret from me she would essentially be treating me as a fool. My marriage would be based on an illusion.
> 
> For those who would elect not to tell--fine, that's a way to go and I accept it. But I do not accept that it is to "spare the betrayed spouse pain." *It is to spare the cheating spouse the trouble of dealing with his/her own mess.*


Exactly. By hiding it from your spouse you are not really addressing the problem in the first place. It really is a form of rugsweeping. It is not being honest with yourself. 

Our spouse should be our goto person for help. If you have a problem they should above anyone else be able to help with a problem. By refusing to obtain help you are choosing the illusion that there is no problem. It's really a form of disrespect to assume sole responsibility for something that can hurt a marriage. How can you be sure you won't fall into the same thing again? 

A spouse deserves to know if there is a bomb in the basement.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

always_alone said:


> I still can't wrap my head around this part. Sure the news that you've cheated is likely to upset a spouse, but how is it tat you would be transferring guilt to them


The reasoning behind this is that for those that feel badly and guilty about want to aliviate the pain they feel. They then tell thir spouse to feel better and remove the guilt. Now the spouse feels bad but the person who confessed has had the weight lifted off of them. 

I do feel this type of confession is wrong. In this case there is no true remorse. They think saying "sorry" makes everything better and it doesn't.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Telling the spouse, I found was freeing not because it relieved my confusion and guilt, but because I became very transparent to my hubs. It was a sign of maturity I think.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

over20 said:


> I would def tell. I almost had an EA/PA two years ago. I was plagued with so much confusion and guilt I confessed my struggle to DH. It was very hard, but became very FREEING. We worked on some issues in our marriage that had been swept under the rug. I never have regretted it.


Thanks for sharing this over20! I am hoping more members share their experience of telling hard news to their spouse. It doesn't need to be about EA/PA.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I think that hiding the truth of that magnitude suffocates openness and real connection in the relationship. I think it also prevents the WS from truly healing from their mistake.

The whole "transferring the burden of guilt" thing is a lie that the WS tells themselves to avoid giving up control in the relationship, because the BS then gets to choose what happens. And that causes the WS pain, which they don't want.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MSP said:


> I think that hiding the truth of that magnitude suffocates openness and real connection in the relationship. I think it also prevents the WS from truly healing from their mistake.
> 
> *The whole "transferring the burden of guilt" thing is a lie that the WS tells themselves to avoid giving up control in the relationship, *because the BS then gets to choose what happens. And that causes the WS pain, which they don't want.


That's really interesting, seeing it as a control issue.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> Telling the spouse, I found was freeing not because it relieved my confusion and guilt, but because I became very transparent to my hubs. It was a sign of maturity I think.


I agree, over20. And it was a sign to your spouse that he had earned your trust. You trusted him enough to share your heart with him.

When dh declared his intentions towards me, I sat down (well, a day or two later) and told him every bad thing I could think of about myself. I had had an affair the year before with a prof at my college. The prof was married and had two kids, and his wife lived in another city. I was really ashamed of myself, and I couldn't believe an upstanding man like dh would want to be with a woman like me, who had done such a bad thing. But amazingly, he did. And he was mad at the prof, not me. I still think that is generous on his part. I certainly was not blameless.

I just wasn't going to pretend anything. I hate lies and hiding. And yet I do them. Maybe not so much lying, but hiding, not speaking up, at least with other people. That is at least part of what "politeness" is, I think.

I hate the burden of all that, and I am not going to live that way with my spouse. With him, above all, I must be able to be myself. I tell him anytime I feel attracted to another man, and even any angry, hateful feeling I have towards him. 

And unlike other men, it seems, he doesn't take my angry feelings personally. He looks beyond them to what is causing my anger, which is usually his neglect. He doesn't blame me or get bent out of shape by my words. He tries to address the underlying issues.

I wish more men would do this. I wish they would look beyond their wife's behavior to what is in her heart. I wish they would listen and really hear her. I think a man who does this can heal a woman's heart with his love and steadiness. I think many women would appreciate this.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

MSP said:


> I think that hiding the truth of that magnitude suffocates openness and real connection in the relationship. I think it also prevents the WS from truly healing from their mistake.
> 
> The whole "transferring the burden of guilt" thing is a lie that the WS tells themselves to avoid giving up control in the relationship, *because the BS then gets to choose what happens*. And that causes the WS pain, which they don't want.


That's right. It is about giving up control and accepting the consequences. 

As over20 said it is a real struggle. At the time I had never heard of an EA and had feelings I didn't think were possible. It took a long time to recognize the problem. Then once I had made up my mind to tell my wife it took a couple of months for me to find the courage to do it. It was fear. It was a point of no return. During this time I was depressed and in many ways stopped living life. Going about day to day tasks was like swimming in honey. At some point I realized the meaning behind Laird Hamilton's quote (see my sig) and decided to start living life again by accepting whatever outcome my wife chose. I let go of fear and found help in my wife.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

While I believe honesty is the best policy, I also believe that people lie by omission more often than not. I've lived a long time & don't know a single percent that is honest 100% of the time. For those that claim they are, I don't believe them 

To answer your question, it depends on the EA, the players in the marriage, the state of the marriage, etc. 

My husband is very insecure which is his problem not mine. If I confessed to an EA that was over, it would devastate him. He would rather not know. So call him beta, a doormat or whatever you want but he is who he is & I accept him just as he is. Now a PA is a whole different story.

For me, I would like to know because I could help him with his feelings & sort it out because I have more knowledge about EA's than he does thanks to TAM.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hi, Emerald. I lie by omission. Not with dh (he gets to hear it all, like it or lump it), but with other people. Sometimes I don't want to hurt their feelings, but often I am just trying to protect myself.

Here on TAM, I don't say things sometimes because I am afraid I would lose a friend. It's not right, but I am a coward. If I were brave, I would just say it, as kindly as I could, but I would say it. It is actually compassionate, I think, to speak our truth, even if it initially stings the other person. It could help them, if they could listen.

But because I am a coward, I keep it inside.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

jld said:


> When dh declared his intentions towards me, I sat down (well, a day or two later) and told him every bad thing I could think of about myself. I had had an affair the year before with a prof at my college. The prof was married and had two kids, and his wife lived in another city. I was really ashamed of myself, and I couldn't believe an upstanding man like dh would want to be with a woman like me, who had done such a bad thing. But amazingly, he did. And he was mad at the prof, not me. I still think that is generous on his part. I certainly was not blameless.


Awesome story of disclosure! I bet he realized that he was getting the real deal when you told him about your history. It was right to give him the choice to reconsider.



jld said:


> I hate the burden of all that, and I am not going to live that way with my spouse. With him, above all, I must be able to be myself. I tell him anytime I feel attracted to another man, and even any angry, hateful feeling I have towards him.


If you are not being true to yourself you are living a lie. You are right our spouse is the one person with whom we should be transparent. Over20 mentioned that that transparency was a sign of maturity and I agree. 



jld said:


> And unlike other men, it seems, he doesn't take my angry feelings personally. He looks beyond them to what is causing my anger, which is usually his neglect. He doesn't blame me or get bent out of shape by my words. He tries to address the underlying issues.
> 
> I wish more men would do this. I wish they would look beyond their wife's behavior to what is in her heart. I wish they would listen and really hear her. I think a man who does this can heal a woman's heart with his love and steadiness. I think many women would appreciate this.


Yes! We are all human and we should be able to work together with our spouses to solve problems and fix the underlying issues.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Emerald said:


> While I believe honesty is the best policy, I also believe that people lie by omission more often than not. I've lived a long time & don't know a single percent that is honest 100% of the time. For those that claim they are, I don't believe them
> 
> To answer your question, it depends on the EA, the players in the marriage, the state of the marriage, etc.
> 
> ...


You sound like you don't have much respect for your husband. Saying you know better about what he would want/need is ridiculous. 

I do agree with you about the insecurity being his problem to deal with but your other justifications are....well, I'll just say I disagree.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

jld said:


> Hi, Emerald. I lie by omission. Not with dh (he gets to hear it all, like it or lump it), but with other people. Sometimes I don't want to hurt their feelings, but often I am just trying to protect myself.
> 
> Here on TAM, I don't say things sometimes because I am afraid I would lose a friend. It's not right, but I am a coward. If I were brave, I would just say it, as kindly as I could, but I would say it. It is actually compassionate, I think, to speak our truth, even if it initially stings the other person. It could help them, if they could listen.
> 
> But because I am a coward, I keep it inside.


I use to be this way with my ex. Never again will I worry about hurting feelings at the expense of saying what I think needs to be said. 

But...I understand completely.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Meson said*: So my question to the forum is should one confess to a spouse and why? When I was deciding what to do about it myself it seemed like the consensus on the internet was that one should not confess because it was just a transferal of guilt to relieve your pain which was a purely selfish act. Furthermore what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. It was the safe play.
> 
> *I reasoned differently and thought that I shouldn’t have secrets from my wife and that if she knew and I was under her scrutiny it would be that much more protection against any escalation. She should know my feelings and decide what she wanted to do. The risk was that the marriage would be over. Is it worth the risk to the marriage to confess? *
> 
> ...


Meson..in my world, you 100% did the right thing [email protected]#$% ...she had a right to know.....and you know you did...look at the outcome!









The members who pmed saying they would divorce you ...many would feel this way.. I guess we all have our lines drawn in the sand.. some are so stringent that you can't even admit a wayward thought...or they may throw their hands up in the air & accuse you of cheating...and this is sad.. it stomps on transparency...and honesty.. it's best to come to our spouses in the seed stage of any temptation.

I think one of the best threads given on this forum is right here...it is about the power of "secrets"...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html...







...it talks about how secrets are a form of escape, source of energy, an avoidance of intimacy, a means for power & control..etc.. 

I explained my feelings on this sort of thing in my Transparency  thread ...stressing the importance of honesty before it has a chance to snowball...



> *Simplyamorous said*:
> 
> Both partners must fully acknowledge :
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband did have an affair, just before we got married. I'm 99% certain of it. The only thing missing is his admission. I don't want to hear his admission. What good would it do now? 

Shortly after we got married we went to Jamaica. My father excitedly told us about looking up into the hills in the morning to see the smoke from various cooking fires. We investigated. They were not cooking fires but burning trash. When I told my father, he was crestfallen! He said, I wish you hadn't told me that. 

Not every time but sometimes, popping someone's idyllic view isn't in their best interest.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AP, that must have hurt you. Did you know about it before you got married? Or did you figure it out afterward?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

meson said:


> Today I ran into a double zombie thread (twice resurrected) about a woman who was in an EA deciding whether or not to tell her husband:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26847-beginnings-ea-tell-husband.html
> 
> ...



All depends on your spouse and situation.

I know Mrs.CuddleBug would freak out if I told her things I did in my past, when we first got married due to having sex 1x every month.

I don't ask her and she doesn't ask me. Leave the past the past I say.

If you're truly sorry, never bring it up, no more EA or PA and communicate what your needs are so nothing happens.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jld said:


> AP, that must have hurt you. Did you know about it before you got married? Or did you figure it out afterward?


I suspected on our honeymoon because that's when he told me. But years later I learned more about STDs and knew instantly. He did not have a UTI as he had claimed for the reason we could not have sex until he had finished all his antibiotics.

No, not terribly hurt. I figured it was his "going off" present to himself or something. Anyway, I didn't put much thought into it at the time. Still don't.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

meson said:


> Today I ran into a double zombie thread (twice resurrected) about a woman who was in an EA deciding whether or not to tell her husband:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26847-beginnings-ea-tell-husband.html
> 
> ...


My stance is pretty clear on this "TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE!" The reality is your marriage will suck after the confession. It will take years to heal if ever and might even end in divorce. 

No one likes to feel duped, have things hidden from them, or anything of the sort, but the fact is YOUR LIFE will be happier for all tangible purposes by changing, forgiving yourself, and taking it to the grave.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> My stance is pretty clear on this "TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE!" The reality is your marriage will suck after the confession. It will take years to heal if ever and might even end in divorce.
> 
> No one likes to feel duped, have things hidden from them, or anything of the sort, but the fact is YOUR LIFE will be happier for all tangible purposes by changing, forgiving yourself, and taking it to the grave.


Folks are right. This is a very vexing question. There is a current thread, either on TAM or another forum, I can't recall which, where a woman with an old secret was strongly encouraged to tell her husband. Their marriage was good, they got along well, and she did not know what to do.

She took the advice to tell him and did. Basically, that was it. They are now on the way to a divorce. I don't consider that an amazingly good outcome.

Still, advising folks to lie is not a good thing to do.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There is a current thread in CWI about a husband who just found out his wife had an affair 20 years ago! 20 years ago! A bell once rung cannot be unrung. You can't unhear it, you can't I see it. You're just going to have to learn to live with tinnitus.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> There is a current thread in CWI about a husband who just found out his wife had an affair 20 years ago! 20 years ago! A bell once rung cannot be unrung. You can't unhear it, you can't I see it. You're just going to have to learn to live with tinnitus.


I remember one recently where a guy, who has had a seemingly perfect marriage, found out his wife, before they got married 20 years ago, was not a virgin. He was really broken up about it. 

I am not sympathetic. Many people are. I feel like 20 perfect years should make up for a lie. I actually wondered why she wanted to stay married to him.

You have been married 30 years, AP. Do you feel like whatever happened before the marriage, your dh has made it up to you over the last 30 years?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jld said:


> I remember one recently where a guy, who has had a seemingly perfect marriage, found out his wife, before they got married 20 years ago, was not a virgin. He was really broken up about it.
> 
> I am not sympathetic. Many people are. I feel like 20 perfect years should make up for a lie. I actually wondered why she wanted to stay married to him.
> 
> You have been married 30 years, AP. Do you feel like whatever happened before the marriage, your dh has made it up to you over the last 30 years?


Yes and no.

First, we were not married. Okay it was a week before but still we were not married at the time. Second, sex is not exclusively emotional bonding. Now if he had fallen in love and went through with the wedding to avoid conflict that would a whole different ball of wax.... Back then. Now, it would be meaningless.

He has making up to do for our years of lousy marriage and he's doing fabulous at it! So do I and so am I.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm glad I didn't see that thread you're taking about. I woulda had to b!tch slap that guy!


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> There is a current thread, either on TAM or another forum, I can't recall which, where a woman with an old secret was strongly encouraged to tell her husband. Their marriage was good, they got along well, and she did not know what to do.
> 
> She took the advice to tell him and did. Basically, that was it. They are now on the way to a divorce. I don't consider that an amazingly good outcome.


But who's to say that they would have been in a better place without the knowledge of what really happened? I think a lot of people put up with marriages where they have a nagging feeling the whole time that something is not right, but never realize that it's due to a secret affair. We had her word that the marriage was good, but the husband might have always felt like something was off. Is twenty years of something-is-not-right-here truly better than a few months of intense pain, followed by gradual healing?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MSP said:


> But who's to say that they would have been in a better place without the knowledge of what really happened? I think a lot of people put up with marriages where they have a nagging feeling the whole time that something is not right, but never realize that it's due to a secret affair. We had her word that the marriage was good, but the husband might have always felt like something was off. Is twenty years of something-is-not-right-here truly better than a few months of intense pain, followed by gradual healing?


You're right, in the scenario you describe.

But what it the marriage has been great for 20 years. What if the affair was in the past and since then everything has been wonderful? Does that change anything for you?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> But what it the marriage has been great for 20 years. What if the affair was in the past and since then everything has been wonderful? Does that change anything for you?


For me, personally? I'd say that if this was the case--and I can't imagine it being that good in those circumstances, but hypothetically--I would still want to know. I would absolutely want to know. But if the marriage were all roses, as you describe, that would affect my response. I'd be far less likely to pack everything up and call it quits, like I would if an affair was hidden and I found out myself. 

The thing is, it's not really the sex that bothers most people about an affair. It's the rejection and deception. And the deception feels heightened with more time hiding it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You're right, in the scenario you describe.
> 
> But what it the marriage has been great for 20 years. What if the affair was in the past and since then everything has been wonderful? Does that change anything for you?


I don't believe this scenario, it sounds like something that only happens in novels. How can you have a "wonderful" marriage while carrying a secret like that around unless you have no conscience?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

John Lee said:


> I don't believe this scenario, it sounds like something that only happens in novels. How can you have a "wonderful" marriage while carrying a secret like that around unless you have no conscience?


Does not I lived it............just because someone stepped out doensn't mean there is some to the core problem! Why do people always assume this? People lie all the time little lies, medium lies, and big lies principle says it's still a lie.

My wife and I after we were married for 10 years drank a little bit and decided it would be fun to ask each other 100 questions about when we were dating.

There was 2 people, good friends that she slept with, I was no angel either, but she knew about mine. To this day almost 20 years I can still get pissed off thinking about that.

Marriages can be great even with things hidden. That was all the taste I needed to know if my wife had a ONS....DONT TELL ME!! I LOVE MY LIFE AND THAT WOULD RUIN IT.

A ongoing affair yes, but a ONS I'll pass.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Meson..in my world, you 100% did the right thing [email protected]#$% ...she had a right to know.....and you know you did...look at the outcome!


Yes, I know I did the right thing for my marriage. However what I am learning from this thread is that it may not be the right choice for every marriage. 

There is a commonality in the preconditions for withholding the info. Whatever it is, is really over and that they take steps to never let it happen again and that it is significantly in the past. But even then there seems to be a line that shouldn't be crossed. For some it's a PA and for others it's was a one time thing. 

For as much as my wife and I got to know each other before marriage this is one topic we didn't go into. My wife told me before we got married that if I cheated she would be gone. She didn't consider my one-sided EA cheating but I really don't know if she would have preferred if I had said nothing. I knew I wanted to not have it escalate any further and I didn't want to become a repeat offender.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband did have an affair, just before we got married. I'm 99% certain of it. The only thing missing is his admission. I don't want to hear his admission. What good would it do now?
> 
> Shortly after we got married we went to Jamaica. My father excitedly told us about looking up into the hills in the morning to see the smoke from various cooking fires. We investigated. They were not cooking fires but burning trash. When I told my father, he was crestfallen! He said, I wish you hadn't told me that.
> 
> Not every time but sometimes, popping someone's idyllic view isn't in their best interest.


Would you have wanted to know back then? To a certain extent I understand it's water under the bridge but when it was fresh would it have been different?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> Folks are right. This is a very vexing question. There is a current thread, either on TAM or another forum, I can't recall which, where a woman with an old secret was strongly encouraged to tell her husband. Their marriage was good, they got along well, and she did not know what to do.
> 
> She took the advice to tell him and did. Basically, that was it. They are now on the way to a divorce. I don't consider that an amazingly good outcome.
> 
> Still, advising folks to lie is not a good thing to do.


Can you point me to the thread? How old was the secret?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

jld said:


> I remember one recently where a guy, who has had a seemingly perfect marriage, found out his wife, before they got married 20 years ago, was not a virgin. He was really broken up about it.
> 
> I am not sympathetic. Many people are. I feel like 20 perfect years should make up for a lie. I actually wondered why she wanted to stay married to him.
> 
> You have been married 30 years, AP. Do you feel like whatever happened before the marriage, your dh has made it up to you over the last 30 years?


I agree that a long time of perfect actions should compensate in some way. But it also depends on if she lied up front. Was it an omission or deception to enable marriage?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

meson said:


> Would you have wanted to know back then? To a certain extent I understand it's water under the bridge but when it was fresh would it have been different?


I truly don't know. I don't think it would have made a difference in terms of going ahead with the wedding. And our relationship was such a mess in the beginning. I just can't say.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

meson said:


> I agree that a long time of perfect actions should compensate in some way. But it also depends on if she lied up front. Was it an omission or deception to enable marriage?


Deception. She had been with several guys but told the man she was a virgin.

What does it matter now?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

There's only one solution to the dilemma : think about being in position of "telling or not telling" and all its implications BEFORE, and do not have an affair to begin with. That way, nothing to confess. :scratchhead:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

True. I thought like this before I almost fell. I slipped but didn't fall. I now have a softer heart for people who struggle with sexual temptation. I show mercy first. I used to judge first. I guess in hind sight I was humbled.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Six months ago, my husband confessed to what he then thought was wrong but not cheating. He claims he had never heard the term EA and never had romantic feelings for her. Whatever! Before he ended it, and told me, he was in contact with her 3 states away for 18 months. We had been married for over 25 years and we both agree that we had a great marriage. 

I had NO suspicions whatsover and am devastated. Perhaps I will feel different later but as I am going through this anguish, this extreme sadness, days where I don't want to get out of bed, I wonder at times, if he should have kept it to himself. This turmoil is unbelievable and we may end up getting a divorce. So perhaps couples deal with things differently?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Can the two of you move forward through reconciliation and counseling? Twenty five years is a lot of life to throw away. Do you want to stay? Does he want to stay? Your wound is still very fresh and deep.

I am sorry you are going through this


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

He is definitely remorseful and has never expected that his actions could cause this much pain and the possibility of divorce. He feels divorce should not be an option - yet he did deceive me.

I love my husband and wish I can stay but I just can't see this pain of betrayal letting up. But I guess I'll try.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Have you as a wife received IC?


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

I was trying to figure out what IC meant . I will look into getting individual counseling


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Yes, I am sorry individual counseling. Was there anything you can think of that might have been a trigger for your DH...I mean a stressor in the marriage that might have made him susceptible to temptation? I only ask because for me, it was my DH work schedule. I got really, really lonely....I am not making an excuse...just trying to help.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Samantha36 said:


> Six months ago, my husband confessed to what he then thought was wrong but not cheating. He claims he had never heard the term EA and never had romantic feelings for her. Whatever! Before he ended it, and told me, he was in contact with her 3 states away for 18 months. We had been married for over 25 years and we both agree that we had a great marriage.
> 
> I had NO suspicions whatsover and am devastated. Perhaps I will feel different later but as I am going through this anguish, this extreme sadness, days where I don't want to get out of bed, I wonder at times, if he should have kept it to himself. This turmoil is unbelievable and we may end up getting a divorce. So perhaps couples deal with things differently?


Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry for the pain you feel and I hope it abates soon. It sounds like you are severely depressed and the suggestion for counseling is a good one. I hope your husband proves his worthyness to you. If he is anything like me he knows the pain he has inflicted.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

I have asked him repeatedly about our marriage but he has sworn that it was the extreme pressure and degradation he has had to face at work for the past few years that has clouded his judgement. I knew he was under pressure and always listened and sympathized. But other than that there wasn't anything else to do short of quitting his job. We have made some unwise financial decisions and with the housing crash he said he felt trapped at a unpleasant work situation.

He is looking for work but with all the time, benefits, and retirement packages he is well aware that he won't be able to replace those perks.

BTW thanks so much for your input, pls keep any advice coming.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Were YOU going through any tough time then...i.e having respect issues with hubs job/female issues/kid issues...?

Not trying to pry...trying to put a possible equation together.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> Yes, I am sorry individual counseling. Was there anything you can think of that might have been a trigger for your DH...I mean a stressor in the marriage that might have made him susceptible to temptation? I only ask because for me, it was my DH work schedule. I got really, really lonely....I am not making an excuse...just trying to help.


over20, I just wanted to say I think it is very courageous of you to talk about almost having an affair. It is so good that you told your dh right away, and avoided certain heartache, for both of you.

I can certainly relate to feeling lonely with a dh gone most of the time. And to be honest, often when he is here, he can kind of forget about me. He is making efforts to be more affectionate and attentive, but it does not come naturally. I am always wondering if he will remember to hug me, or hoping he will say a word of affirmation. When I have to ask for them, they just don't mean as much, though are still nice.

We both have total trust in each other, but I still don't think we should just take each other for granted. It is still really good to feed the marriage.

Again, thanks for sharing your story.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thank you...Yes, when my hubs is home..sometimes he is so tired after dinner he starts to watch TV to unwind and is asleep soon. I do get frustrated! I try to self talk myself through it. On the good days I tell myself, he is home, he is home with me, he did not go home with anyone else, he works hard for me not another woman. I have been having a lot more good days..The bad days are another thing....I usually wake him up and make him talk to me more!!! :rofl:

You are such a blessing to TAM jld


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

No, I wasn't going through anything unusual. However 1 year into his EA I became seriously ill. Up to then my husband has been communicating with her sporadically, but when I was sick he began communicating with her EVEN MORE. He says because I was so sick and he had no one to speak to their "friendship" intensified.

Oh, we did have a 22 year old daughter who returned home after college graduation. She has recently moved out but while living here for 2 years she caused an unusual amount of stress for us. My husband had sacrificed to pay for her Ivy League education, but she returned home even more self-centered and selfish. Many nights I had to calm him down. I can't imagine this would contribute to an EA?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> Thank you...Yes, when my hubs is home..sometimes he is so tired after dinner he starts to watch TV to unwind and is asleep soon. I do get frustrated! I try to self talk myself through it. On the good days I tell myself, he is home, he is home with me, he did not go home with anyone else, he works hard for me not another woman. I have been having a lot more good days..The bad days are another thing....I usually wake him up and make him talk to me more!!! :rofl:
> 
> You are such a blessing to TAM jld


Thanks, over20. So are you. 

I like your self-talk. About a year and a half ago, I started, every time I would get frustrated with dh, to just tell myself I was not going to go down that road. I would tell myself something to be grateful for instead.

I would like to be honest about something. I really enjoy TAM. I have learned a lot, and I hope I have brought something to people. 

But I think it also has negatively affected me, too. I think it has raised my expectations of dh. 

Now, that is not bad, but he cannot always meet those expectations. And in the past, I think I just accepted that. And like I said, I was doing that gratitude thing.

But now, I keep pushing for him to meet these new expectations. He says it is good, that it is making him grow. But it is hard on me. 

In some ways, ignorance is bliss. Before I just accepted things as they were, and felt grateful. Now, I am always pushing him for more.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

You know...it is so hard to examine Samantha36, I have come to the conclusion, not by just my own accord, but through reading a lot, that an individual sometimes will never foresee what could trigger a temptation. More importantly a spouse may not recognize the same issue as a trigger, which can add to the divide in the marriage.

I can see both issues contributing to an EA. Your husband I am sure loves you very much. He used the other as an outlet for communication, probably so he wouldn't pressure you or because he did enjoy the attention, which is addicting, I know. He was lonely, as I am sure you were. Having a young adult (with possible selfish motives) move back home, especially when he is having job troubles is a second trigger. All the while he was worrying about his beloved wife.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Samantha36 said:


> No, I wasn't going through anything unusual. However 1 year into his EA I became seriously ill. Up to then my husband has been communicating with her sporadically, but when I was sick he began communicating with her EVEN MORE. He says because I was so sick and he had no one to speak to their "friendship" intensified.
> 
> Oh, we did have a 22 year old daughter who returned home after college graduation. She has recently moved out but while living here for 2 years she caused an unusual amount of stress for us. My husband had sacrificed to pay for her Ivy League education, but she returned home even more self-centered and selfish. Many nights I had to calm him down. I can't imagine this would contribute to an EA?


It is this kind of emotional stress and unloading that contributes to EAs. It provides a brief respite charged with the feeling that someone understands you that leads to a bond. That bond is really a chemical fix that eventually becomes an addiction. Read up on boundaries and educate him on appropriate boundaries to avoid developing these bonds in the future.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jld said:


> Thanks, over20. So are you.
> 
> I like your self-talk. About a year and a half ago, I started, every time I would get frustrated with dh, to just tell myself I was not going to go down that road. I would tell myself something to be grateful for instead.
> 
> ...


As females we are creatures of the heart. It is normal for you to feel those things for your DH. We are made that way. You are so blessed that your DH accepts your growth and honesty about you you read and learn here!! 

I love TAM too, lately though I have been spending to much time here...but I drink all the wisdom in.

I have learned even more about people in general. I have more compassion and forgiveness. 

I want to recommend a book, "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chapman. This is for anyone battling negative self talk in their heads. This book is very FREEING!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

meson said:


> It is this kind of emotional stress and unloading that contributes to EAs. It provides a brief respite charged with the feeling that someone understands you that leads to a bond. That bond is really a chemical fix that eventually becomes an addiction. Read up on boundaries and educate him on appropriate boundaries to avoid developing these bonds in the future.


:iagree:

Very Good Post!


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