# Can you have a successful passionless marriage?



## onlysunshine (Mar 15, 2015)

New here, I've been lurking a few days and I'm sure this topic has been discussed a million times, but I'd still like some feedback. 

We've been married 17 years, together 20. Got married very young (I was 19). We now have two kids. We have a pretty good relationship, we are compatible, similar outlooks on life, etc, but I just don't feel the passion. And I probably never really have - we were married so young that I'm sure we didn't really know what we were doing - so I tend to think there's no "bringing it back" because it wasn't really there in the first place. I am not LD, but I feel like I am LD with him, yk? 

So is a desire for something more a reason to break up a family, disrupt lives and devastate people? I tend to think it isn't, which is why I've stayed so long, but the longer I stay, the more I feel this sense of quiet desperation, like this is it, and I never will have passion or desire in a relationship. Suck it up and deal? Is that fair to my husband? On the other hand, I feel like leaving would kill him.


----------



## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

What attracted him to you in the first place? How has he changed? What qualities is he missing? Are you comparing him to someone else?

How have you contributed to your situation? Have you changed? What have you done to change the situation? You have to start with you first because at the end of the day you can only change you.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You all are acting like a woman falling out of love with her husband is something new. When the hell are we going to educate young couples on this? It happens in a MASSIVE percentage of marriages. You cannot date your way out of this. You cannot sexy lingerie your way out of this. You need to let this poor guy go so he can find someone who MIGHT love him forever. But what YOU have to remember is that the mew man you find will end up being another...MAN!

Good luck to you and good luck to future generations of marriages that will also fail when women realize that all men are the same, and the mold has been broken from the get-go.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Might try reading What Women Want by Daniel Bergner. What you are going through is pretty common apparently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Sunshine...you have to remember that a successful marriage needs to be worked on all the time by BOTH parties.

Of course the initial raging flames of passion will dim over time but unless you both make an effort to atleast keep it flickering it WILL go out.

If my wife had just made a little bit more of an effort occasionally....have sex at night in a remote field....tell me she is cumming...give me a bj (never has)...wake me up caressing my 
c0ck, let me do things to her that make her feel good etc...not every day or even every week but more often than....NEVER.

She now has a husband who has lost all interest in sex with her and who no longer asks how her day was or if she slept well or ask where she is going or did she enjoy it....

Sunshine....as a man, please do as FitnessFan suggests....we men are very easy to please...press our ONE button and we will press all 50 of yours...!


----------



## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

The way I read her post, the problem isn't the husband being turned on, it's the wife. She lacks the butterflies and sexual desire for her man. So there is nothing for HER to do to in order to turn him on, he is fine. 

Let guess me OP, you have thought about cheating? 

Though I honestly think this is someone trolling. 

Just my opinion.


----------



## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

Is your lack of desire/passion for your husband because you're not getting some of your emotional needs met (affection, conversation, family commitment, etc) perhaps?

Another good book is His Needs Her Needs by Dr. William Harley... 

If your husband is open, reading this book together and respecting the needs of the other may be very helpful.

IMHO, I think leaving because "I don't feel it anymore" is a cop-out and really saying I don't care enough about my spouse (and indirectly, my family unit) to make the effort. 

I have to wonder also, is there someone else that you have recently found attractive/appealing. It's when one begins to do this comparative analysis where things can really fall apart.

The grass is greener where you nurture it.


----------



## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> I disagree. I think there is plenty she can do on her own to get her own sexual desire for her husband revved up again. Dressing and acting sexy as well as exercise and changing things up can get your own passion going as well as her husbands. *Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.*


I will never understand women. :scratchhead:


----------



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

It depends on how you define success. 

Using my definition the answer is no. 

But that isn't the best question to be asking. 

The better question is how do I fix my passionless marriage. 

You have those answers from posters above.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think you at least owe it to try to get the passion you want. Maybe even some counseling?

If everything is tried and still nothing then yes it's a personal choice to stay or go.

I couldn't live like this but you have done so for years so may not be as big a deal for you

Does your husband feel the same way?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

H is probably clueless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

No, I don't think it's possible. I tried for 20 years to live with a man who never desired sex, and it failed miserably.

My biggest regret is not getting out sooner. I would check out this book -- The Sex-Starved Marriage as well as the one Conan Hub suggested.

My ex and I went through years and years of counseling trying to "fix" the problem. I finally threw in the towel at the 20 year mark.


----------



## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

I don't get when people say they never had passion when they first hooked up, or say things like I don't think I was really in love. Why get married if that was the case? I mean even at 19 you know why people get married.... B/c they're wildly in love with each other.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think the answer can be yes but only if both parties are happy and content with the way their marriage has evolved. 

It's when one party has needs or wants that aren't being met that the problems start, ie; more sex/less sex, more kids/no kids, wants to move/wants to stay. Sometimes it's has nothing to do with good or bad, right or wrong, it's simply a matter of us evolving and changing.

Here's my opinion. If a married couple has got to the point where they really aren't wanting and living compatible lives no amount of counseling or therapy can rekindle that spark or passion. Sometimes you can "fake it" and maybe even be content but I don't think you can call that being passionate in your marriage. But I also think if both parties are in agreement about how they are living their lives a marriage can go long term without having blow your socks off passion.


----------



## onlysunshine (Mar 15, 2015)

Wow...so many things to address. First, I've never been accused of being a troll before. Seems like a pretty damn boring troll for a marriage forum, but whatever. 

I'm healthy, I work out, eat well. He doesn't choose to do those things with me. He drinks what I believe is an excessive amount of beer (every night) and had gained about 50 pounds since we met. 

I feel like I can't change up the sex too much because he already has a problem with lasting, and I've got it figured out well enough how to get what I need in those few minutes. 

What attracted me to him...we used to have fun, go on adventures. Now he is tired and grumpy. We have more stress in life with kids and jobs than we did 20 years ago, I realize that. Of course, I KNOW I am a part of the situation. I haven't made huge efforts to change it. I've been "faking it till I make it" for a long time, but it isn't working for me. 

Macho...all men are the same, really? That seems like a weird thing for a man to say. You say we should educate young couples on this - what would you say? That women fall out of love, but suck it up, because all men are the same? 

My husband does not appear to feel the same way that I do, though I haven't shared how I feel because I just don't want to do that to him. 

There is no one else. I have had these feelings for years - there's a cycle where they get very strong, then I push them down and go on with my life, rinse, repeat. 

I do think I need to look into counseling, and I will check out What Women Want.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

And short is yes but not forever...it requires sacrifice and the responsibility placed on your shoulders, by that i mean you need to find yourself re-channeling your passion in other ways, your children, your self, your hobbies. but i will not kid you....you will build resentment as well, you will try everything and everything you try will not work, but you keep trying thinking surely they will eventually get it, guess what some people don't, they are good people who have a different focus, different needs, different wants, and on some level they will not get you. this is where angers and animosity ferments not over days but years, until something happens and you feel bad.


----------



## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

onlysunshine said:


> Wow...so many things to address. First, I've never been accused of being a troll before. Seems like a pretty damn boring troll for a marriage forum, but whatever.
> 
> I'm healthy, I work out, eat well. He doesn't choose to do those things with me. He drinks what I believe is an excessive amount of beer (every night) and had gained about 50 pounds since we met.
> 
> ...


How is keeping this from him helpful?

It sounds like you intend to stick it out silently as long as you can then blindside him with "I'm all used up"..."it's too late"...

If you're here to give reasons why you want out, without looking at how YOU can take action to change your situation, then I would suggest to just rip off the band-aid...instead of having a death by a thousand cuts...

...this decision is all in your control....Either be all in or all out... lukewarm actions will get you lukewarm results and NOBODY (including the kids) will be happy.


----------



## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

onlysunshine said:


> He drinks what I believe is an excessive amount of beer (every night) and had gained about 50 pounds since we met.
> 
> I feel like I can't change up the sex too much because he already has a problem with lasting, and I've got it figured out well enough how to get what I need in those few minutes.
> 
> What attracted me to him...we used to have fun, go on adventures. Now he is tired and grumpy. We have more stress in life with kids and jobs than we did 20 years ago,


So far his lifestyle seems like the main culprit. Being overweight and drinking too much is entirely the wrong way to handle life's stresses. I doubt he feels good about himself or has any energy left to be fun and adventurous anymore. Sex is a good workout and being overweight and drunk is a big hindrance in performance and to your attraction I'm sure.



> There is no one else.


Very good!



> My husband does not appear to feel the same way that I do, though I haven't shared how I feel because I just don't want to do that to him. I realize that. Of course, I KNOW I am a part of the situation. I haven't made huge efforts to change it. I've been "faking it till I make it" for a long time, but it isn't working for me. I have had these feelings for years - there's a cycle where they get very strong, then I push them down and go on with my life, rinse, repeat.


You've protected him this long and put the burden on yourself and it's not working. It takes two to get to this point in a marriage and you seem to realize that which is very important. 

You're going to have to find the courage to tell him how you are feeling, that you miss the old him, that you've been part of the problem and that you want to work on it together. He's going to have to own up to his half of the problem and want to work on changing for the better. If not, you'll be gone and he'll be looking at an early grave. It took a long time to get to this point and will take time to make lifestyle changes.

I'm sure other posters here will have more good resources for you to read. On the plus side I haven't read any deal breakers in your marriage so far unless he refuses to change for the better. Best wishes!


----------

