# Advice on sex in my relationship



## Justanotherprob. (Jan 20, 2015)

I will begin my story by saying that I went through a divorce. I was married 16 years and there was little to no sex. Two years later I met a wonderful man. A single dad with two boys. In the beginning the sex was great. We dated for 6 months then I bought a house and they moved in with me and my teenage son. 

Two months after we moved in together the sex stopped. He suddenly began having problems with erections. He's 47 and I'm 45 and honestly we look younger. lol

He confided in me that this had been a problem in the past for him. I felt kinda betrayed because I had expressed how important sex and intimacy was for me. It was something that I wanted and needed in my life. I felt like he was no honest from the beginning. 

We have tried a few times to have sex. sometimes he does ok. sometimes he doesn't. Most of the time I initiate sex. Or I tell him we are having sex. He never acts interested. I truly feel unattractive at times. I have tried not to be selfish and understanding. 

He has visited an MD to talk about this problem but he refuses to take any meds to help. 

Tonight we had a sitter so we had a date night. We went out to dinner and a movie and we were home by 9. He immediately went for the couch and TV. I was hurt. I mean how many times are we actually alone. 

I basically said I'm not watching TV. He looked at me and said "OH ok". we did have sex at my suggestion. It didn't last long and I felt as if he was pacifying me. 

We have had a lot of discussion's about our lack of intimacy. I truly love him but I'm at my wits end. Tonight I told myself that if we didn't have sex I was going to end the relationship. 

I just don't know. Am I being selfish? I the last 9 months we have had sex 2 times successfully. we have only tried 4 times. I just feel like he needs to give more effort.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I suggest finding someone with more fire in the furnace. This old boy seems to have problems he doesn't feel the need to fix. At his age, he should be wanting to jump your bones at least two or more times a week and often more than once at a setting. Me and my old lady of 21 years, who is a decade younger than me, do that and I got 20 years on him. It ain't gonna get no better my girl.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

No you are not being selfish, you are too young to have a sexless relationship.

You deserve to feel sexy and wanted. I'm sorry he pulled a bait and switch on you. 

How long have you been together?


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## Justanotherprob. (Jan 20, 2015)

We have been together almost a year. He is a very loving man. I really can't complain about anything else in our relationship other than the lack of sex. He just seems to have no sex drive.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Well sex probably wouldn't even be an issue if it was regular, but because it's pretty much non existent it will probably eat you up.

It really doesn't matter if he's a good man if he has no interest in meeting your sexual needs nor care how much it hurts you. That doesn't sound like a good man to me. 

What has he done to fix the issue? 

Do you know if he ever views porn or masturbates?


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## Justanotherprob. (Jan 20, 2015)

He says that he does not masturbate. I asked him about watching porn. He said he used to when he was younger but he really doesn't have the interest anymore. I offered to watch porn with him to see it would help but he does not want too.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This is a deal breaker issue, especially if he could take meds but won't. Bait and switch is a manipulative lie. This may be fixable, but you will need to set expectations, a timeframe (long enough to get counselling, get the needed prescriptions, and USE them), and he has to want to keep you enough to hold up his end.

Or, just end it. Take more time with the next man, and wait at least a year before living together - preferably more.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes you are being selfish but not in the way you think.
You are moving people into your house and making your son live with your boyfriend and his too kids. And the realtionsihp you have with your boyfriend is built on zero foundation. That's not fair to your son.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Justanotherprob. said:


> He has visited an MD to talk about this problem but he refuses to take any meds to help.


I would tell him this is a dealbreaker. Not the ED or lack of libido, but his unwillingness to address it with his doc.

As to the medical, there are a lot of possibilities. He needs to get a full and complete medical workup by his doc. There are some potentially serious medical conditions which can cause ED, such as diabetes or heart disease or prostate cancer. So he needs to get all of that ruled out.

To do this right he needs a good workup, not just take his blood pressure and then prescribe Viagra. He needs to advocate for himself, which means perhaps being a bit of a pest with his doc and pushing for a good thorough workup.

IMO he should also see a good endocrinologist about possible low T. His regular doc can do the blood tests but probably is not the right one to set up any hormone treatments if he has low T. The Endo will look at a bunch of different hormones, not just T, and is more expert in dealing with low T.

If everything comes back good, it may just be an age thing. Taking one of the ED meds is no big deal and he shouldn't feel ashamed. It sounds like you would be very positive about it, not shaming him as deficient in his masculinity for needing it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Is it possible that his ED is causing his lack of interest in sex? Its possible to do all sorts of nice things in bed without an erection. Maybe if the stress went away things would improve?

Or maybe he really is low libido. That can be very difficult to fix.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What was sex like before he developed sporadic ED? How deeply did, or do, you two communicate about these kinds of highly sensitive and difficult topics?

I don't like the term bait and switch because to me baiting is an intentional conscious act of enticing with an attractant that may or may not be true. Switching means replacing one thing for something else. It suggests a conscious act or replacing one for the other. From what you've said so far, your husband probably believed, or wished really really hard, that his past ED was in the past and with you things would be different.

I wish I could smack men sometimes. But then I wish I could smack some women sometimes too... Why do men think that if their penis doesn't work predictably, reliably, they must avoid sex altogether? Why do men think they can't have sex without a fully erect penis? Man, that annoys the hell out of me.

Here you are, an attractive, loving woman who desires him and desires sex with him but her shies away and pretends to not be interested when the truth is that he is afraid his penis won't work and therefor avoids sex altogether! "Wha...sex...oh, I uh wasn't really thinking about sex... But uh okay sure if you want to.." Oh please! He surely was thinking, and worrying, and getting anxious, and afraid if he initiated he would make a fool of himself if his penis didn't work!

So, explain to your man that sex doesn't have to involve his penis but it damn well better involve his heart and soul and a few other body parts that do move as directed! Explain to your man that pretending sex doesn't exist makes you feel forelorn, forgotten, ignored, and worst of all unattractive and unloved! Then you tell your man you expect him to do whatever he needs to do in order to fully participate in this relationship and if he can't/won't then it's time to go your separate ways. You may not have to give that threat just yet, but I predict you eventually will.

What's his problem about taking Meds anyway?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Was the lack of sex the main reason your first marriage ended in divorce?


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## Justanotherprob. (Jan 20, 2015)

Thank you to everyone who replied. I appreciate the advice. 

He did go an have a full medical workup done. They also tested his testosterone levels and everything was fine. He does smoke. When I first met him he smoked 2 packs a day. He's now down to 1/2 ppd. The MD told him that the smoking was causing his probs. He was also told that his ED was in his head. He just won't take the meds because he doesn't like taking meds. Yeah I know he smokes and I pointed this out. But on this end he is trying to quit. He has a planned quit day. 

He has been married in the past and he has four children. His wife passed away from breast cancer. He has been a single dad for over 10 years now and he has done a great job with his kids. Two are grown and married with their own children. The boys were babies when she died. So I'm pretty darn sure he hasn't been this way all his life. I know he's older and I expect problems like this to happen to a man his age. I know everyone is different. It took him a while to adjust to having a woman around again. 

I am committed to this relationship. There had been times when I have been so frustrated that I feel like I'm just done. He have a talk it gets better then it just goes right back to the way it was. It is very frustrating. At times I feel like he is pacifying me so that I won't leave. I have NEVER threatened to leave him because of the sex. I feel this is wrong and it defiantly won't help any anxiety he has over sex. I feel that if it comes down to me leaving ending the relationship I just will. 

It could just be how I'm looking at things. My point of view is different than his. He tells me that it is not because he doesn't want sex or think about it. He says he thinks about sex a lot. I don't hound him constantly for sex or beg for it. We are loving to each other outside the bedroom. He is always kissing or hugging on me and he wants to hold my hand a lot. This is kinda frustrating to me I love all this stuff but then I want more and he doesn't carry though. 

He is a very wonderful man. We have our problems outside of the bedroom but nothing major. He doesn't lie to me. He's very honest even if its something I don't want to hear. I have given the relationship over a year and we are close and we do talk extensively about our sex problems. 

I realize that it takes him a while to build up to having sex he is afraid of failure. He has told me that he wants me but at the same time he is afraid he can't perform. He is willing to do other things in the bedroom to satisfy me. Sometimes this is hard to believe when he doesn't act like he wants to participate. But once I get him going he does participate. 

Our sex life was really good before he started having the ED. But our relationship was new and exciting. I'm not sure if this played a part in it. He did tell me that it did not matter to him if he was able to "finish" as long as I was happy. Of course this wasn't very acceptable to me. I told him that I loved him too and it was important to me that he got enjoyment from sex too. 

I asked him about avoiding sex he said that to a man performing during sex is a hard thing. I believe that he convinces himself that he will fail before he even gets started. I have noticed that it takes him a while to work up to the sex. I told him that he was failing me by not trying. Trying and failing was ok and that we could do other things as long as I knew he was trying. 

He always gets an erection. He will stay hard for a while but he loses his erection during performance. Once I think he faked an orgasm. There was nothing there as far as sperm. I realize that a man can have a dry orgasm. But the way it happened was weird. 

I just say perplexed about all of this. I need ways to help him with his problem. 

ANON- I totally agree with what you are saying, you put into words for me that I have been trying to articulate to him. So thank you. I will definitely keep these words in mind during my next talk with him. I'm sure that we will have another talk. 

My son loves my boyfriend and his two boys so my teenage son is not damaged by my relationship. He has been a better dad to my son than his real dad so that is NOT an issue. My son was completely involved with the decision for us to move in. My son loves me I am a great mom. He was just happy to see me happy. Right now my BF is teaching him to drive. They get along wonderfully. 

My marriage ended because I was married to a manipulating liar. Who cheated on me for years. It was not because of a lack of sex. we didn't have a sex life at the end of my marriage because I had decided I was done with him. I was in an unhealthy relationship. I was able to leave that marriage when my children were old enough to understand my decision and I was financially able to get out.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Inform you husband that if his ED is anxiety related, and this is more common than medically related ED, by taking the meds for several months he will become LESS anxious because he will be building a pattern of success.

My H has had ED for more than 15 years. But for the past year he has only taken Cialis a few times. We discovered work arounds and we discovered that when we do have sex, if he focuses on my pleasure it gets him super aroused. And I'm such a sport to allow that aren't I?  so after he has given me several orgasms he is hard as a rock. Rarely he still loses his erection before penetration can take place. So now I just giggle and say, I guess I better have a few more orgasms before we try that. For us, if he penis isn't cooperating, it's really a non issue because we smoothly go on to plan B or C. Plan be is him using his fingers and or mouth. Plan C is him using my toys in me. I am such a sport!

Talk with your H. Bring out the toys. Just plop yourself on his lap, grab his hand and show him what you want his hand to do.


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## Justanotherprob. (Jan 20, 2015)

So its been three weeks since we have had sex again. I'm so frustrated. Same routine allover again. :scratchhead:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Did you have the 'talk' with him?

I can also testify personally that sporadic ED caused by mental block is greatly helped by medical aids. Darn it! Just take em when you need to. You don't have to take them all the time. Only to get you over that hump. Your self confidence zooms back.

He needs to get off his selfish, lazy butt, take those meds and make some love!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Like poster above said, what the heck is his darn problem with meds?

Probably 80% of people over 40 take something.

He smokes and he's worried about meds????????


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Justanotherprob. said:


> He just won't take the meds because *he doesn't like taking meds.*


:wtf:

I am in the camp with the others of not understanding why he won't take the d*mn meds! Aside from this issue (which is a big one) it sounds like you have a good relationship.

Have you tried telling him that this is a deal breaker for you? Either he at least TRIES the d*mn meds, or you are likely done.

I'm not a big believer in ultimatums, but I can't see letting this go on much longer. Of course, if you utter those words, you have to be willing to follow through.

Decide what your line in the sand is.


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