# Rocky 1st year...but it should get better right?



## young_b (Mar 4, 2011)

My husband and I were married in April, 2010. Within our first month of marriage we began having problems. While we were dating I was aware that my husband was a fan of alcohol. Since I myself love to have a good time and party it wasn't a big deal...either that or I was so head over heels I tended to over-look all the warning signs I should have paid attention to. Anyway, within the first few months the alcoholism took a huge toll on my marriage to the point where he became violent and would constantly lie about his drinking. It got so bad that I even moved out for a month, during which he began to get help for his drinking and promised to make things better. 

I then decided to give it another chance and move back home. Within a month he had stopped going to meetings and began secretly drinking again. Of course I could tell, but he would just lie to my face over and over claiming he didn't drink, and then later admit that he did and promised again to get help. This vicious cycle occurs over and over. Currently he is "not drinking" but has stopped going to his meetings, so its basically just a repeat of everything that always happens.

While all this is happening, our sex life has pretty much become non-existant. He would stay up until 3am playing his video games or watching movies and when I offer to have sex he claims always says 'maybe tomorrow' or would tell me 'lets do it later' . And when I bring this up, he gets defensive or will schedule sex so its more like a chore than actual intimacy. I would ask him about it and he just brushes it off like its nothing.

All this has happened and we have yet to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I know they say marriage is work....but should the 1st year really be this hard?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

young_b said:


> My husband and I were married in April, 2010. Within our first month of marriage we began having problems. While we were dating I was aware that my husband was a fan of alcohol. Since I myself love to have a good time and party it wasn't a big deal...either that or I was so head over heels I tended to over-look all the warning signs I should have paid attention to. Anyway, within the first few months the alcoholism took a huge toll on my marriage to the point where *he became violent and would constantly lie about his drinking*.
> 
> RED FLAG #1
> 
> ...


First RF... usually people become more comfortable with their drinking once they get married. You should of seen the signs and tried to address this PRIOR to walking down the aisle.

Second RF... the lying in commen at this stage, but its also a direct disrespect to you as a person. He's insulting your intelligence for you not to know that he's been drinking.

Third RF... his lifestyle is taking away from your moments of intimacy. You already are bothered by his problems, and then when you try to bond with him on an emotional and physical level, he brushes you off. There's men on here, including myself that would kill for their wives to initiate.

Marriage during your first year should be peaceful and blissful... if you married the right person. With no kids in the picture, its about getting to know one another as 1, spending crazy time together, laughing, traveling, making love almost if not everyday. He's robbing you of the thrill of marriage right now. Time for you to lay down the law, give him an ultimatum, a brief window for all this stuff to go away... or else the next time you pack your bags... you aren't coming back. He has to stay and complete the help he needs.


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## young_b (Mar 4, 2011)

Thank you for your response! From what I've heard ultimatum never work. If he does give in to what I'm asking he will end up resenting me for it. I feel like enough is enough but we haven't even been married 1 year should I be giving the marriage more time? The sex thing has been driving me crazy these past few weeks to where he is now sleeping on the couch n I find myself day dreaming about just being with other men, even though I know cheating is wrong....
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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

young_b said:


> While we were dating I was aware that my husband was a fan of alcohol. ... within the first few months the *alcoholism* took a huge toll on my marriage to the point where he became violent and would constantly lie about his drinking.
> 
> I then decided to give it another chance and move back home. Within a month he had stopped going to meetings and began secretly drinking again. Of course I could tell, but he would just lie to my face over and over claiming he didn't drink, and then later admit that he did and promised again to get help. This vicious cycle occurs over and over. Currently he is "not drinking" but has stopped going to his meetings, so its basically just a repeat of everything that always happens.
> 
> should the 1st year really be this hard?


Not only the first year, but the second and the third and ... well, you get my drift. You are married to an alcoholic. He threw you just enough bait by going to meetings and promising not to drink so you would come back.

You went back and he stopped going to meetings and started drinking again. See, one of the main issues alcoholics have is they believe they can control the drinking, when, in fact, the drinking actually controls them.

Sex is not the issue with him. Unfortunately, neither are you. Drinking is numero uno. King. Top priority. 

How can you tell when an alkie is lying? His mouth is moving and sounds are coming out. Sad but true.

He will hide his drinking, lie about his drinking, blame you (and everyone and everything else) for his drinking, and you'll walk away from arguments feeling nothing was resolved and that he turned everything around on you.

Go to IC and give Al-Anon a try. There is absolutely nothing you can do to get this guy to stop drinking. It's his addiction, he owns it, and he alone has to stop. As far as the sex goes, after you have been exposed to enough of his drunken insanity, you will be thrilled that he doesn't come anywhere near you.

I lived with two alcoholics, and I know what it did to me. Thus, I no longer hang around active alcoholics, and I refuse to allow another one in my life. Ever.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

young_b said:


> Thank you for your response! *From what I've heard ultimatum never work*. If he does give in to what I'm asking he will end up resenting me for it. I feel like enough is enough but we haven't even been married 1 year should I be giving the marriage more time? The sex thing has been driving me crazy these past few weeks to where he is now sleeping on the couch n I find myself day dreaming about just being with other men, even though I know cheating is wrong....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really?

I've given advice to personal friends, and ultimatum's have worked... if you are serious with it. If given the choice, me or else i'm out forever. If he loves you and is WILLING to change, he'll change. If not, oh well, you cut your losses. So what if he resents you making him change himself for the better. It has to be done, because the road you are on definately will not work. He will get over it and get better. Of course cheating is wrong, but because of what you are going through.. it is natural - trust me on this. A guy will only do...what he think he can get away with. Right now this man, ahem... this boy, thinks he can neglect his wife and not conduct himself in the proper way of loving marriage. You left the first time, it shook him up, and he got help. You came home... he got complacent, stopped going. Assure him this time, if you leave, that he might as well change the locks because you aren't coming back...ever! Marriage is not a game, he's treating it as such. 

He's not going to get better... only worst, and he'll fall more distant from you? Is this what you want? Where is his sexual urges at? That would puzzle me. For a guy to go this long...


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## young_b (Mar 4, 2011)

@prodigal: I've tried al anon meetings and honestly didn't feel like it helped me. And yes when he is in his drunken state I definitely do not want to have sex with him but at the same time he is my husband and I have my needs. I contemplate leaving all the time trying to convince myself that I am not in a co dependent relationshipbut honestly don't even know what to do anymore.
@rob: yes I'm confused by the fact that I am always the one who has to initiate it or even the one who notices how long it has been. With every other relationship I have been in the guy is always the one to notice or initiate to which it makes me think either he is already cheating and filling his sexual needs somewhere else.
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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

young_b said:


> @prodigal: I've tried al anon meetings and honestly didn't feel like it helped me. And yes when he is in his drunken state I definitely do not want to have sex with him but at the same time he is my husband and I have my needs. I contemplate leaving all the time trying to convince myself that I am not in a co dependent relationshipbut honestly don't even know what to do anymore.
> @rob: yes I'm confused by the fact that I am always the one who has to initiate it or even the one who notices how long it has been. With every other relationship I have been in the guy is always the one to notice or initiate to which it makes me think either *he is already cheating and filling his sexual needs somewhere else.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


Where does he do the majority of his drinking at? Out or at home? If it is out, then you may have your answer. And i say this not to make a bad situation, that much more troublesome, but it wouldn't take much to have some drunken fluzie that has his eye who hangs out at his local watering hole. His reasoning and judgement is already off, would this be that much of a leap? But for now, don't over concern youself with that, his guilt alone may keep him from the bedroom. He knows his actions are wrong and maybe can't bring himself to be close to you. Handle problem #1,and i believe problem #2 will fix itself.


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## young_b (Mar 4, 2011)

He mostly drinks at home so when he does I hide his keys to make sure he doesn't drive drunk and when I do that he just walks to the gas station near our house to buy his beer. It could be a stretch thinking he's cheating bit ive been cheated on before by a boyfriend and the first warning sign was the lack of sex. Ive tried everything from cooking him fancy dinners and then bought tickets to a kings basketball game with food vouchers and everything and he still chose to play on his computer until 3 in the morning instead of coming to bed with me then got offended when I mentioned it.
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There is no "you" solution to his substance abuse. "You" can't fix that. Period. Full Stop.


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## young_b (Mar 4, 2011)

@runs: so your suggestion is to end it because there is no solution?
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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think the point that RLD and Rob are both trying to make in the end is that when it comes down to it:

1. You're the only one who can decide if you're going to live with his drinking.

because....

2. He is the only one who can decide to stop his drinking.

So rather than an ultimatum, you just have to decide on your boundary. Are you willing to live the rest of your life as things are now? Are you going to leave until he does X, Y and Z? Are you going to leave _unless_ he does X, Y and Z? 

Once you decide _for you_ what that line is, you tell him and then you stick to it. It's not an empty threat, another shouted ultimatum "if you don't quit drinking, I swear I'm gonna...." conversation, it simply becomes a choice for him to make in response to your plans.

He's an addict--his physical and mental need for alcohol and probably for the stimulation of the video games--is going to supersede you offering alternatives, pleading, whatever. Decide what _you_ will accept and move from there.


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## young_b (Mar 4, 2011)

COG when you put it that way it sounds so easy. But when I try and sit down and evaluate everything its really hard because of course I love my husband and wish it were much simpler but I still feel like I should be married for a certain amount of time before giving up....but what is the correct of amount of time? I feel like if I pull the plug now I'm giving up too early because we have only been married 10 months....
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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

There's a really great book that helped me a lot when I was trying to figure out things with my husband. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschbaum. 

She does a wonderful job of going through all kinds of questions--about a dozen I think--about your relationship and your feelings towards it and your spouse and makes the point that it isn't about checklists and timelines. It's about honestly evaluating the odds of change and then making a plan to have the best life you can.

I mean honestly, there's always something. Right now you "haven't given it long enough". In five years, you'll be saying "just a little bit longer". In 10 years it'll be that you've "made it this long...." If you live your life by a calendar, you aren't ever going to have a chance to actually have a _life_.

Seriously, check out that book, it really helps you think about things in a much clearer, less circular kind of way.


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## young_b (Mar 4, 2011)

Thank you so much I will definitely check out the book!
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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

young_b said:


> My husband and I were married in April, 2010. Within our first month of marriage we began having problems. While we were dating I was aware that my husband was a fan of alcohol. Since I myself love to have a good time and party it wasn't a big deal...either that or I was so head over heels I tended to over-look all the warning signs I should have paid attention to. Anyway, within the first few months the alcoholism took a huge toll on my marriage to the point where he became violent and would constantly lie about his drinking. It got so bad that I even moved out for a month, during which he began to get help for his drinking and promised to make things better.
> 
> I then decided to give it another chance and move back home. Within a month he had stopped going to meetings and began secretly drinking again. Of course I could tell, but he would just lie to my face over and over claiming he didn't drink, and then later admit that he did and promised again to get help. This vicious cycle occurs over and over. Currently he is "not drinking" but has stopped going to his meetings, so its basically just a repeat of everything that always happens.
> 
> ...


The only way that your marriage will improve is his realization that his drinking is an issue. He will only see that when HE is ready.
I was a pothead for five years. Our apartment used to stink of weed and I threw away a lot of money buying the stuff. It wasn't until 3 of my dealers were arrested, over the course of a year that I stopped. I no longer enjoyed being stoned all the time and I had no interest in losing my marriage over something so dumb! My husband constantly told me that I was too dependent on Mary Jane, yet the point is I HAD TO SEE IT FOR MYSELF.
Every first year is different. The cliche is that couples get to know each other and have lots of sex, however, there are many variations. My husband and I lived together for two years while we were engaged, so there wasn't a whole lot to discover. Sex just became even more loving and tender. 
I'm afraid that you will need to leave your husband if he does not wish to become sober. Maybe an intervention?
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