# Should I tell my husband I'm having thoughts about other men?



## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Just one, actually. If you look back in my other posts you'll see that my husband almost completely lacks any kind of sex drive. He's the "I only want it on my time" kind of guy. Problem is, his time is virtually never...

Lately I've been having thoughts of a sexual nature about one of our mutual friends. He's considerably closer to me in age, isn't the most attractive guy on the planet but certainly isn't unattractive either. He's the silly sort with the dorky sense of humor and shares a lot of my personality traits, which is where I think the attraction stems. 

Let me make it perfectly clear that I've never acted on these feelings in any way, engaged in a PA with this person or any other, and have never let on that I feel this way. It's rare that I see this person, also. 

Now for the stupid question: Do I tell my husband about these thoughts? My reason for asking is I've seen a lot of threads about women or men turning to affairs because their SO is low drive, low T count or used sex as a bargaining chip, etc. I've also seen situations where a man or woman has regretted not putting more effort into the sex/intimacy before it's too late because they've been cheated on or left for another person or their SO doesn't have feelings for them anymore. I just guess I'm wondering if I should tell my husband I'm having these thoughts so maybe he'll realize what I've been trying to verbally communicate to him for a while now. Like maybe he'll realize that him not being intimate or affectionate with me and rejecting me is resulting in my having these sorts of thoughts. 

Opinions, please. Personally I feel on the fence about it. It would almost sound threatening to me if I were on the receiving end of it, but then again I think I would want to know if something I was doing was causing this sort of issue. I feel that this is something that could be repaired a whole lot easier than all out cheating, but a part of me feels like I should just ignore these feelings until they go away. 

Your thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time do you spend with this person?

Are you thinking of leaving your husband if the sex does not increase? If you are, then tell him that. Tell him that you experiencing a lot of emotion pain because you feel unloved by him.. that physical love is normal and healthy and his depriving you is hurting you enough to leave him. That either he finds out what his issues are and fixes them or you are leaving.


If you tell him about this other guy.... the issue will become that you are cheating.. he will most likely accuse you of emotionally cheating... that's why I asked how much time you spend with this guy .. it's an important bit of info.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Rather separate than cheat. Its the right thing to do .The lack of sex in your relationship is unlikely to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

Yes. 
Tell him why.
Tell what you are planning.
Honesty and communication is the most important thing in a relationship...even in one that is not functioning. At least that way, if it ends, at least one can't say "But I had no idea!!"


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*Q:
Should I tell my husband I'm having thoughts about other men?


A:
If you have a good marriage overall, perhaps it is a better idea to tell the Other Man that you are having thoughts about your husband.

And stop it there.*




Give it a shot, perhaps you can sexually re-energize your marriage to some extent, (between you and your husband - without external help) -- Testosterone level tests & correction if needed, some counselling / sex therapy, some shameless seduction, etc.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

yes, you should talk to your husband about this. your needs are not being met even barely and he needs to meet you somewhere in the middle.....compromise. be vague, don't mention any man in particular. just say that when you see attractive men, you have sexual thoughts about them because you are so horny. you don't want to cheat but you want your horniness to be enjoyed with your husband at a much more frequent rate.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You told your husband you have a need (sex).
He acknowledges your emotional need, but chooses not to meet it.

You should be in counseling trying to figure out why you will stay with someone who knows you have a need yet refuses to meet it.

Does he have needs that you meet or don't meet?


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How much time do you spend with this person?
> 
> Are you thinking of leaving your husband if the sex does not increase? If you are, then tell him that. Tell him that you experiencing a lot of emotion pain because you feel unloved by him.. that physical love is normal and healthy and his depriving you is hurting you enough to leave him. That either he finds out what his issues are and fixes them or you are leaving.
> 
> ...



I would say I may see this person once every two months if he comes over to hang out with my husband.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Does he have needs that you meet or don't meet?


Not that I'm aware, or at least none that he's mentioned. If he does tell me something I'm doing that he's not satisfied with (sing He started working nights I haven't been cooking big meals like I use to) for example. I started doing that again, because I felt like I was failing every time I didn't make a big dinner after that. If he tells me something is wrong I correct it. I make his lunch every day before work, I make sure he has what he wants to drink, I take care of the house and kids all by myself. If he isn't at work he doesn't have to lift a finger. 

I've told him countless times that we don't have enough sex. I've told him that it make me feel unattractive and like less of a woman. I've told him that he needs to initiate for a while at least until I get my self confidence back because he's rejected me physically so many times that it hurts too much to try now. Still, nothing. 

I even took a shot at it last night. I tried kissing him, telling him what I wanted, etc. His excuse lately has been he doesn't feel good about his appearance (he's lost 50 lbs and I've lost 20) so I pointed out how good he looks. I did everything shy of begging and still I got nothing. He never comes out and says no, usually he just smiles then doesn't say or do anything or doesn't even acknowledge that I said anything.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get you and your husband into counseling. If he refuses to work on this issue, them it's time to look at more drastic measures. 

Tell your husband you did not marry to be a nun. Celibacy was not part of the deal when you signed that marriage license. If he won't budge, then I hate to say you may need to go see a lawyer. 

Like serial cheaters and sex addicts , LD people are just as inflexible to changing their ways. It's infortunate but true. 

But don't cheat. Don't think about cheating. Focus that mental energy on trying to save the marriage. If you can't save it , then at least you can walk away with your integrity intact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sure, by all means tell him. Maybe he'll "get it" that he needs to put in a lot more effort. Or maybe you'll discuss this and decide that the marriage isn't going to work for either of you, and split up so you can both look for happiness elsewhere. Maybe he'll even opt for an open marriage if he wants to preserve the relationship and everything is good except the sex.

You limit your options by not discussing these feelings. Solutions may occur if you do.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I always hate the idea of having to coerce or force the hand of a LD spouse, it's just a sad situation for anyone to have to be in, and I fully understand. I think you should tell your husband that your needs aren't being met and ask him if he thinks a separation to think things through would work for him. If he says yes to the separation, then you will know it's never going to change. I've done that with my wife and things did change for awhile, but now they are back to where they were and I'm about to follow through.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

:rofl:


bandit.45 said:


> Get you and your husband into counseling. If he refuses to work on this issue, them it's time to look at more drastic measures.
> 
> Tell your husband you did not marry to be a nun. Celibacy was not part of the deal when you signed that marriage license. If he won't budge, then I hate to say you may need to go see a lawyer.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that. I have no plans of cheating because despite how he is, I still love my husband and want to try every way I know how to make this marriage work. And in the end if I can't, at least he can't say I didn't try.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

are they just some casual thoughts on occasion or are the thoughts causing specific issues? Everyoen has at least occasional thoughts sexually about someone other than their partner. The issue (and therefor decision to say something to him) could be decided based on the extent of the thoughts about the other man. If it is an occasional thought, or something that just pops in your head during masturbation....I would not bother saying anything. If it is taking over your mind all the time...maybe then something you need to discuss.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Thanks for that. I have no plans of cheating because despite how he is, I still love my husband and want to try every way I know how to make this marriage work. And in the end if I can't, at least he can't say I didn't try.


Nobody sets out to cheat. No one plans to fall into an affair. 

But bad actions start with bad thoughts. Your thoughts or fantasies may be tame right now, but if you allow them to grow they can consume you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I hope that whatever fantasy you have with this other guy stays in your head or can be discussed with your husband but don't mention this guys name. 

Tell your husband that the lack of intimacy between you two makes you think of someone other than your husband.

Please don't act on the fantasy because for all you know he might be as bad or worse than you husband.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

This is a tough one.

On the one hand, you may get a very bad reaction, so be prepared for that. On the other hand, your husband is not stepping up to the plate and is endangering your marriage.

He needs to be shaken up, so my opinion is to let him know you aren't getting enough and are having bad thoughts.

I vote with 6301. Don't tell him specifically who the guy is and destroy a friendship. I'm assuming this guy is not coming on to you.
That would be a different matter. If that were the case DEFINITELY tell him. 

Otherwise, just lovingly tell him you need more and are starting to have bad thoughts.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I do not think you should say anything to your husband.

Sometimes I have fantasies of punching my teenagers in the face. I don't tell them that. I just try to calm down and be an adult about it. 

Telling him isn't going to have any magical powers to make your feelings go away. It's only going to be one more way to make him feel crappy (which perhaps is warranted.) I'm pretty sure he already knows you are unhappy with the situation and he already chooses to do nothing to repair it.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> are they just some casual thoughts on occasion or are the thoughts causing specific issues? Everyoen has at least occasional thoughts sexually about someone other than their partner. The issue (and therefor decision to say something to him) could be decided based on the extent of the thoughts about the other man. If it is an occasional thought, or something that just pops in your head during masturbation....I would not bother saying anything. If it is taking over your mind all the time...maybe then something you need to discuss.


Yeah, it's something I think about during masturbating. (I can't think about my husband without thinking about our lack of a sex life so it kills my buzz) I don't talk to this person unless He happens to come by to see my husband, and I definitely don't creep his Facebook or anything.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sit him down for talk. Yeah, I know, yet another talk. It must be exhausting. Us guys can often be a bit doltish, not really understanding how truly important something can be to our wives. I've been guilty of that before. Sometimes it really does take something drastic to sort of snap us out of it.

Find a way to let him know that the situation is getting progressively worse for you, that you absolutely need an active physical relationship w/ him, and that the lack of such is having a serious impact on your self esteem. I'm not sure that telling him that you're having thoughts about his friend would be a good thing, though.

Do you feel that the lack of intimacy is important enough to you that you'd consider divorce? If so, it may be time to find a gentle way to let him know that.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> I do not think you should say anything to your husband.
> 
> Sometimes I have fantasies of punching my teenagers in the face. I don't tell them that. I just try to calm down and be an adult about it.
> 
> Telling him isn't going to have any magical powers to make your feelings go away. It's only going to be one more way to make him feel crappy (which perhaps is warranted.) I'm pretty sure he already knows you are unhappy with the situation and he already chooses to do nothing to repair it.


:iagree:

Some things are best left unsaid.

I think we all fantazise about having sex with someone ele occasionally.

Clearly you and your husband have sex issues. If you truly want to stay with your husband and be faithful to him then you should work on it/him. Tell him how you feel etc but no mention of thoughts re your mutual friend. If you do say anything he would probably see it as emotional blackmail and it could backfire.

If on the other hand you do NOT have the desire to work this out with your husband then let nature take its course. 

Many people say that you should separate before you find another partner. If only life were that simple!

Very often it is the 'arrival' of someone else in your life that makes you decide to separate etc.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

6301 said:


> I hope that whatever fantasy you have with this other guy stays in your head or can be discussed with your husband but don't mention this guys name.
> 
> Tell your husband that the lack of intimacy between you two makes you think of someone other than your husband.


I agree with this also. Give your husband fair warning that you are thinking about other men. But I wouldn't tell him that it's this friend specifically, because then he will wonder if you are already cheating, get mad at the friend, and other things that would be distractions from the actual problem here.

Stay on topic, which is telling him that you can't tolerate a lifetime of celibacy. There are a few LD people who have turned around. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Update. 

Well, I tried talking to my H I think Thursday, not about the inappropriate thoughts, but just being honest about my feelings and the effect no intimacy is having on me, just to see if it would have the desired effect. (Ever the optimist). I went into it with a non judgemental attitude, I didn't accuse him of anything, and I tried really hard to be understanding. What it boils down to is this:

He switched Jon's recently, so he's working third shift at a factory, but he's home as much as he works now. Which is good on many accounts; our daughter really used to not like him. She loved him of course, but he was also the big scary guy that made her follow the rules. Now, she almost breaking her neck to get to him when he comes in the door and she stands at her bedroom window and watches him until he's all the way out of the driveway. So it does my heart good to see them finally bonding as daddy and daughter. 

Our relationship hasn't improved as much. He gets home from work, refuses to go to bed until around noon or one at which point I'm basically harassing him to go to bed (he stays up on purpose and denies himself necessary sleep out of spite of this, as he's admitted) Then I have the pleasant task of waking him up at four or so so he can get ready for work, at which point he's always mad and cranky and takes it out on me. I hate it. Then on his days off he stays up until one or two, then crashes anywhere he wants (couch, recliner, oldest sons bed) and sleeps until I drag him out of bed when the kids have already went to sleep. It's at the point I have to send my oldest to sleep in our bed until his dad wakes up. (Hide the toys, ladies!) My son doesn't appreciate this, obviously. So now I have a choice to stay up until the butt crack of dawn when he decides he's ready for bed again so I can see him, or go to bed much earlier when I'd really like to and not see him at all. Needless to say I'm a walking zombie. 

But anyway, now that my unintended vent is out of the way. My H said he feels like I don't appreciate him. He said "I don't thank him the right way when he makes breakfast, and it bothers him when he lets me sleep in until noon while he looks after the kids and instead of saying thank you first, I ask if they've had anything to eat. (Lunch time is at twelve thirty, and his answer is always no.) I just don't like the idea of the kids not having breakfast, but I'm not walking in and seeing my kids wasting away to nothing, so I can see where this would bother him. 

Did we have sex Thursday night? If we did, I'm not aware of it. This afternoon before he left for work he told me that he wanted to but I took too long in the bathroom (lotion, contact removal) and he fell asleep. That was a very hard pill for a sex deprived mid twenties gems to swallow, by the way. Then I actually had a brave moment when he said he needed to get changed for work and I offered to help him undress for work and promised to make it worth it. He laughed and said he would do something nice for me tomorrow when he got home from work. His excuse is often he's too dirty from working to let me do anything, but somehow it will be okay in the morning for him to do stuff for me? I don't understand the logic, unless he's invested in some heavy duty wet naps that he keeps in his car. 

I'm at my wits end, but I'm a wuss. His relationship with the kids is finally improving and they're in a healthy place (he's even been taking our girl to preschools to check them out and so far none of them have been good enough for her yet. Is us not having sex a good enough reason to be bitter and resentful? 

Lay it out for me, please. No sugar coating, just brutal honesty. For those of you in my boat, please share what you wish someone might have shared with you that may have helped or encouraged you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

We're stupid. We need a brick over the head.

"Husband I want X and Y Z times a week. You'll give it to me or you'll make me want to find it elsewhere. What say you?"


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

marduk said:


> We're stupid. We need a brick over the head.
> 
> "Husband I want X and Y Z times a week. You'll give it to me or you'll make me want to find it elsewhere. What say you?"


Lol you're right about the brick. But I think that approach might yield bad results. He'd probably tell me to gtfo.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

[QUOTE:]
Originally posted by *Surviving This Marriage:*
_Did we have sex Thursday night? If we did, I'm not aware of it. This afternoon before he left for work he told me that he wanted to but I took too long in the bathroom (lotion, contact removal) and he fell asleep. That was a very hard pill for a sex deprived mid twenties gems to swallow, by the way. Then I actually had a brave moment when he said he needed to get changed for work and I offered to help him undress for work and promised to make it worth it. He laughed and said he would do something nice for me tomorrow when he got home from work. His excuse is often he's too dirty from working to let me do anything, but somehow it will be okay in the morning for him to do stuff for me? I don't understand the logic, unless he's invested in some heavy duty wet naps that he keeps in his car. _
[/QUOTE]



STM:

Life’s nitty-gritties creating unspoken / under-spoken animosities between the spouses, which take transference to *small-time passive aggressive revenge-taking* – it happens in most marriages.



For instance:* Didn’t you take a little longer than needed in the bathroom, ON PURPOSE?

Didn’t he fall asleep a little more WILLINGLY than usual,on purpose?*

On that occasion (last Thursday), did you really punish him for not having sex / enthusiastically initiating sex on previous occasions when YOU WERE READY, by dragging your feet (staying in the bathroom longer than required)?

Did he punish you for making him wait, by willing himself to sleep a little quicker than natural?

Very likely.




This can easily be stemmed with some communication, patience and WANTING things to be better, on both sides.

Perhaps a few visits to an MC or an elderly relative who can mediate can help. Posters here will help tremendously.

*But please don’t let it escalate / degenerate into chronic love-busting behaviours.*

Because once that happens, the idea of an external solution will begin to look more feasible / attractive than an internal resolution.

*I'm so glad you came here BEFORE that happened.*

Best of luck.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> [QUOTE:]
> Originally posted by *Surviving This Marriage:*
> _Did we have sex Thursday night? If we did, I'm not aware of it. This afternoon before he left for work he told me that he wanted to but I took too long in the bathroom (lotion, contact removal) and he fell asleep. That was a very hard pill for a sex deprived mid twenties gems to swallow, by the way. Then I actually had a brave moment when he said he needed to get changed for work and I offered to help him undress for work and promised to make it worth it. He laughed and said he would do something nice for me tomorrow when he got home from work. His excuse is often he's too dirty from working to let me do anything, but somehow it will be okay in the morning for him to do stuff for me? I don't understand the logic, unless he's invested in some heavy duty wet naps that he keeps in his car. _


STM:

Life’s nitty-gritties creating unspoken / under-spoken animosities between the spouses, which take transference to *small-time passive aggressive revenge-taking* – it happens in most marriages.

For instance:* Didn’t you take a little longer than needed in the bathroom, ON PURPOSE?

Didn’t he fall asleep a little more WILLINGLY than usual,on purpose?*

On that occasion (last Thursday), did you really punish him for not having sex / enthusiastically initiating sex on previous occasions when YOU WERE READY, by dragging your feet (staying in the bathroom longer than required)?

Did he punish you for making him wait, by willing himself to sleep a little quicker than natural?

Very likely.

This can easily be stemmed with some communication, patience and WANTING things to be better, on both sides.

Perhaps a few visits to an MC or an elderly relative who can mediate can help. Posters here will help tremendously.

*But please don’t let it escalate / degenerate into chronic love-busting behaviours.*

Because once that happens, the idea of an external solution will begin to look more feasible / attractive than an internal resolution.

*I'm so glad you came here BEFORE that happened.*

Best of luck.[/QUOTE]

Actually, no. I came to the bathroom ten minutes before he finished playing his game on his phone and came in here so I have a big head start. Literally all I did was rub lotion on my legs and take my contacts out. Three minutes, tops.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> STM:
> 
> Actually, no. I came to the bathroom ten minutes before he finished playing his game on his phone and came in here so I have a big head start. Literally all I did was rub lotion on my legs and take my contacts out. Three minutes, tops.



STM:

Probably, I facetiously over-analyzed.

I retract my words, and apologize humbly.

You have a good day today, Lady.


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## BackOnTrack (Oct 25, 2011)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> Update.
> 
> But anyway, now that my unintended vent is out of the way. My H said he feels like I don't appreciate him. He said "I don't thank him the right way when he makes breakfast, and it bothers him when he lets me sleep in until noon while he looks after the kids and instead of saying thank you first, I ask if they've had anything to eat. (Lunch time is at twelve thirty, and his answer is always no.) I just don't like the idea of the kids not having breakfast, but I'm not walking in and seeing my kids wasting away to nothing, so I can see where this would bother him.


STM, 

Have you read the book "The 5 Love Languages"? I only ask because the above exchange jumped out at me and makes me believe "acts of service" may be high up on his love language list. I'm not saying reading the book will solve the problem as it sounds like there may me multiple problems, but may be a good start. The above mentioned book was a great help to my wife and I as we repaired our M after my PA. 

And whatever you do, please don't succumb to the temptation or fantasy of being with others. BTDT. It does not end well.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> Just one, actually. If you look back in my other posts you'll see that my husband almost completely lacks any kind of sex drive. He's the "I only want it on my time" kind of guy. Problem is, his time is virtually never...
> 
> Lately I've been having thoughts of a sexual nature about one of our mutual friends. He's considerably closer to me in age, isn't the most attractive guy on the planet but certainly isn't unattractive either. He's the silly sort with the dorky sense of humor and shares a lot of my personality traits, which is where I think the attraction stems.
> 
> ...



I was in a similar situation for about 14 years of marriage. I am HD and my wifee is LD.

I viewed the adult sites, relived myself, chatted,, forums, flirted with the ladies, you name it. Not proud I did this in my past but what's a HD guy to do over 14 years with a LD wifee?

What worked for us, was taking the 5 love languages quiz and then comparing the results to each other afterwards. Turned out I am Physical rating 12 and then quality time. For my wifee, hers is Acts of Service 12 and then quality time. Then she admitted her size was making her feel very insecure and non sexual, but she never exercised or ate healthy either.

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

After that, she started eating right and found out how many calories she needs each day to safely loose weight. It's been over 5 months now and she's lost over 47 lbs already, gone through many clothing sizes and instead of having duty 1x month sex, its now about enjoyable 3x week sex. I still have to always initiative because she is naturally passive.

Mrs.CuddleBug knows that I need sex often and no longer sighs, rolls her eyes or give me lame excuses. I listen to her more, talk, help her and not try to solve her issues, just listen more. It works.

Your man is to take care of your needs (sexual) as his own. He is not his own anymore. His LD could be he is secretly seeing someone else, co worker? Could be masturbating to porn?

You have to be aggressive and firm about this whole situation. Tell him you are a HD woman and he hasn't been taking care of your needs. This is no longer acceptable. You are a young woman, in her prime and need sex often. Then tell him, either he starts taking care of your needs, or you will find a friend with benefits and no longer want him sexually. He has to man up already. A LD hubby is just sad because most guys are HD to begin with and we are expected to always want sex from our ladies.

He has to be a man, take care of your sexual needs, when you are in the mood or if you can, move on and find a HD man that will rock your world. Most guys are HD and would love to have a woman like you. I just find it odd when a guy is LD and not taking care of his ladies sexual needs......just odd....:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a book that might help you...


"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger 

From your husband's comments is seems that he feels that you do not appreciate him and all he does. Men (or the bread winner even if it's a woman) often get to feel like the only thing appreciated about them is the money they make. 

Now I think that he does not appreciate you and all you do either. But one of you has to give. One of you has to make a change.. which could very well lead to a complete change in your marriage... I hope it does. Try the book. It might just help.


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

What do you mean by "He's considerably closer to me in age," what are your ages?


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> STM:
> 
> Probably, I facetiously over-analyzed.
> 
> ...


No need to apologize at all, you sound like me when analyzing others. In this particular instance I know there were no hidden motives, but only because I know my own thoughts. Have I done what you described before? Probably. Has my husband? Likely. But what you said does give me things to think about. 

I appreciate your input.


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)




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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

my wife was very low drive for quite a while... 

i couldnt get her to put any effort into us until i made the threat of taking a need of hers completely off the table. 

after years of telling her how much i needed to know that she WANTS me, i had to threaten to do the same thing to her that she was doing to me before she opened up and started really talking to me. and i was totally prepared to do it by that point...

as it turns out, my wife cant live with only getting hugs, kisses, cuddles, etc once a month. she just wouldnt feel loved at all. 
eventually, she revealed to me what it was that she needed from me in order to want to have sex with me. 

nowadays, if we go two days without sex she starts to get upset with me... 

if your husband tells you that he loves you and yet refuses to make YOU feel loved in the way YOU feel it, call him on it. 

it will open up things he needs from you, since he will most likely get defensive about it. for instance, the issue of you thanking him for letting you sleep in. if its really that big of a deal to him, then you should thank him. its good that he finally told you... 

now, if the issue is something else, then things wont improve. and this will likely be the case if there is something he is not telling you about(like resentment for not feeling appreciated?) i would suggest keeping a journal of those conversations. prod him for things that he wants more of from you and make a list of them. try them out and record his reactions. be sure to record facts, not what you think he meant or what you think he was thinking, write only what he DID and how it made you feel, and why. if things dont get better, it will be hard for him to fall back on some BS excuse if you have a clear record of the the effort you have put in to making him feel loved.

also, plan out times when you are going to try to do things for him to make him feel loved. but, be careful to also note what reaction you were hoping for. that last bit is important. if you dont get the reaction you were hoping for, make sure that he knew what you were expecting. if you hadnt told him, then you need to.


in the end, what i am saying is that you need to first make sure he is willing to address the issue and then find a way to communicate clearly, without the blinders of resentment and insecurity...

ETA: you also both need to be fully willing to meet each others needs. it seems to me like you are, just gotta get him on board.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

All I can say is that I'm constantly surprised in life by how many things I can get just by asking for it straight up.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> Not that I'm aware, or at least none that he's mentioned. If he does tell me something I'm doing that he's not satisfied with (sing He started working nights I haven't been cooking big meals like I use to) for example. I started doing that again, because I felt like I was failing every time I didn't make a big dinner after that. If he tells me something is wrong I correct it. I make his lunch every day before work, I make sure he has what he wants to drink, I take care of the house and kids all by myself. If he isn't at work he doesn't have to lift a finger.
> 
> I've told him countless times that we don't have enough sex. I've told him that it make me feel unattractive and like less of a woman. I've told him that he needs to initiate for a while at least until I get my self confidence back because he's rejected me physically so many times that it hurts too much to try now. Still, nothing.
> 
> I even took a shot at it last night. I tried kissing him, telling him what I wanted, etc. His excuse lately has been he doesn't feel good about his appearance (he's lost 50 lbs and I've lost 20) so I pointed out how good he looks. I did everything shy of begging and still I got nothing. He never comes out and says no, usually he just smiles then doesn't say or do anything or doesn't even acknowledge that I said anything.


This is my husband to a tee, except for the weight loss! 

This is what happened from my experience. I've talked to my husband about lack of sex for years. We were having sex every other month. We had sex maybe 4 times last year. We havent had sex at all ths year, not since Aug 2013.

It isnt ever going to change (for me). I doubt you husband will change either. You can talk and talk it will just go in one ear and out the other.. Im at the point now, where I am done and I dont care anymore.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Since he isn't making apparent efforts, I'm wondering if he is struggling with depression, low T, resentment, or maybe even attraction. It would be worth digging to find out why he is never in the mood. Ask him to explain it to you. Give him a safe zone to speak whatever he's feeling.

Yes, you should be honest with him and admit you are having temptations to think about "other men." Absolutely do not mention anyone specifically. That can only backfire and brings no advantage anyhow. 

Good luck
-seahorse



Surviving This Marriage said:


> ...
> Lay it out for me, please. No sugar coating, just brutal honesty. For those of you in my boat, please share what you wish someone might have shared with you that may have helped or encouraged you.


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> Just one, actually. If you look back in my other posts you'll see that my husband almost completely lacks any kind of sex drive. He's the "I only want it on my time" kind of guy. Problem is, his time is virtually never...
> 
> Lately I've been having thoughts of a sexual nature about one of our mutual friends. He's considerably closer to me in age, isn't the most attractive guy on the planet but certainly isn't unattractive either. He's the silly sort with the dorky sense of humor and shares a lot of my personality traits, which is where I think the attraction stems.
> 
> ...


No. Do you want to know about every woman your husband has sexual fantasies about? You're human. It's normal to be attracted to other people. The issues is if you act on them, behind his back. 

You'll cause more harm than good. Keep these thoughts to yourself and for the time being distance yourself from this person until the attraction subsides.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

You want to lose your man, suggest you sleeping with other men to him. The way he see's it is that he works, he comes home and tries to do things that he needs to do around the home and he's trying. But, now you're going to tell him that he's not good enough. I mean, the dude is really sacrificing here. Working third shift and living like a vampire really takes a toll on you. I know, I did it for a year and NEVER AGAIN!!!!

But! You said it yourself! He's trying. He's integrating himself back into the family. He's bonding with his kids and it seems that he's making an effort. So, he's making those changes, but Rome wasn't built in a day! You need to keep talking and working together to make this work. If he's making efforts to try and be a better person, then you need to do the same. Let him SEE the improvement that you're making to the family as well. Communication is key! You need to constantly be in touch with each other. Constantly talking and understanding each other and finding a happy median. 

Trust me, you work on the marriage and the sex will happen. And if it isn't up to par? Guess what you have to do, TALK ABOUT IT! Set aside time for each other. 

Let me ask you a question? When was the last time you went out on a date with your husband, just the two of you?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Should I tell my husband I'm having thoughts about other men ? depends do you want your husband to tell you he think about other women probably not so there your answer.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

xakulax said:


> Should I tell my husband I'm having thoughts about other men ? depends do you want your husband to tell you he think about other women probably not so there your answer.


i guess im opposite everyone else on this. i actually think she should tell her husband. i would definitely want to know if my wife were having thoughts about someone we know.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> i guess im opposite everyone else on this. i actually think she should tell her husband. i would definitely want to know if my wife were having thoughts about someone we know.




The biggest concern with that is it could lead to suspicion even if nothing happened between them the friendship would be over


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

xakulax said:


> The biggest concern with that is it could lead to suspicion even if nothing happened between them the friendship would be over


maybe, but i would much prefer knowing that i need to work on my marriage to maintaining a relationship with a friend i see every couple of months.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> maybe, but i would much prefer knowing that i need to work on my marriage to maintaining a relationship with a friend i see every couple of months.



Well you have a point


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Sorry for being gone so long. 

I never told him. The guy actually came over the other night and there were no feelings to speak of, so it's all good on that end.

My husband and I don't get out alone that often, with all the kids and the third shift and overtime and such, but we're learning to appreciate the time we do have. 

We have been discussing the finances and have worked out a few of the bigger issues, and are about to move to a larger house that is actually going to be cheaper. We both know that this is all give and take and we've both mostly been taking, so we're working on that. 

Has the sex improved? No, and I'm starting to feel like it won't, and I'll have to live the rest of my life in a near sexless marriage. But, who knows? I may be wrong, this may improve when the other parts of our marriage do. 

A girl can dream, right?


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