# Sporadic sex- how to react?



## Jenny41 (Jan 14, 2012)

Help! my husband doesn't need sex very often, and it can go 30-40 nights with no sexual contact, fairly often. I'm not happy about it and get really upset. When he finally makes a move I'm so busy feeling hurt from all the nights he's ignored me, I find it hard to respond lovingly to him and end up saying how it's been far too long etc... as I'm still feeling so mad at him and we end up rowing and him storming off in a mood. He's not ill and not having an affair so I don't understand it at all.

How can I improve things- any ideas, kind people? Thank in advance.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

What has he said when you have asked him WHY he isn't interested in sex much? Has he always been like this, or has this been something that recently started?


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## Jenny41 (Jan 14, 2012)

@trey69- it's pretty much always been like this. He's never had an answer why he doesn't want sex. He does get angry when I ask about it and I tend to back off. 

I don't think he'll change- I just want to change my reaction to him now and stop feeling neglected and upset. It's hard not to be mad! I know it doesnt help.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Jenny41 said:


> @trey69- it's pretty much always been like this. He's never had an answer why he doesn't want sex. He does get angry when I ask about it and I tend to back off.
> 
> I don't think he'll change- I just want to change my reaction to him now and stop feeling neglected and upset. It's hard not to be mad! I know it doesnt help.


You have more than likely built up resentment towards him over it, which is not good period. I understand you can't help how you feel, and I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel that way. He may just have a lower libido than you? There are some men who have this. If he gets mad and not willing to talk about it with you, then chances are this is your life unless you put your foot down on some things. 

You may have to ask if he wants the marriage and if he does, then suggest MC for you both. Some people who do not want to talk about issues is because they do not want to deal with them, sometimes they do not care enough to want to deal with them, or perhaps he is embarrassed. Either way, communication is they key here.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Jenny41 said:


> Help! my husband doesn't need sex very often, and it can go 30-40 nights with no sexual contact, fairly often. I'm not happy about it and get really upset. When he finally makes a move I'm so busy feeling hurt from all the nights he's ignored me, I find it hard to respond lovingly to him and end up saying how it's been far too long etc... as I'm still feeling so mad at him and we end up rowing and him storming off in a mood. He's not ill and not having an affair so I don't understand it at all.


Hi Jenny,

The problem probably lies on both sides here, but without more details into other aspects of your lives it's very hard to drum up some constructive insight. Do you have any stressors in your lives such as kids or long work hours or substance abuse? Things like that...

Also, has there ever been a point in the past where your husband has wanted sex from you and you've repeatedly rejected him? This could also be a scenario where he had built up so much resentment and hurt from rejection that he stopped putting in effort, which ultimately could lead to the 30-40 day dry spells pattern.

Also, when it comes to romance in the relationship, it's SUPER important to have open discussions without temper so they don't escalate into arguments. When a discussion becomes a one-sided blame game it gets you nowhere, fast. And the example here that you mention where he finally makes a move on you but you're so hurt... I completely understand your dispotion there... but the fact is that ultimately you cannot even get it on when he is making an effort.

I think you both need to have a heart-to-heart, no arguing, and it could help if you try to reflect on any areas where you're also taking part blame in situations so the whole discussion isn't about him. The only way you're going to improve things is if you both make a heartfelt effort to work on it together as a team.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Hows things in other areas of your marriage? 

Regardless of the issues, I do think you need to sit down and have a talk with him. One that is non blaming etc. He needs to know that there should be some kind of communication in a marriage. I think by him not talking to you regardless of why, that lets him off the hook by not having to deal with anything. 

I think if he were to open up, you need to really listen to what he is trying to tell you. Maybe he has all along? If nothing else has really happened to cause him to be this way, and you said he has pretty much always been like this, maybe you both are just mismatched people when it comes to sex.


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## Jenny41 (Jan 14, 2012)

Thanks for those ideas/ replies- much appreciated. Things in other areas of our marriage are generally ok: we're both fit and healthy, have kids we love, nice home and good careers. No problems like substance abuse or anything. I think it'll always be like this. I'm good tempered as a rule and always the one to back down. I feel like I'm not being true to myself to just act like everything's fine on those few sporadic times- that's my real problem in that situation. I don't think I ever said I wasn't in the mood in our whole lives- just the opposite. I'm a typical healthy 40 yr old woman with a normal libido and a reluctant partner- just feeling a bit sad about it sometimes! I will keep trying to communicate though, as I'm sure that's the way forward here. Thanks, CallaLily, Botttled-Up and Treys_69 for your kind suggestions.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

You're welcome, and good luck Jenny. Another suggestion might be asking your husband if he is open to trying using a natural libido enhancer to jump-start his sex drive. You can find some products on Amazon that get good reviews.


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## Baileym (Dec 9, 2009)

I think the only way to solve this is to talk about it. Tell him how you feel and tell him what changes you'd like to see happen.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What happens when you initiate? Have you tried titillating him throughout the day? Sexting, surprising him with a deep kiss, basically seducing him over a day. As they tell us guys, foreplay doesn't start in the bedroom.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

I agree that more subtle and more frequent forms of sexuality could be helpful given your confidence in the other aspects of your marriage. Resentment and anger are so easy but they will not help no matter how constructively they are expressed. If there is any way to overcome those and think about how to more effectively communicate your genuine affection for him, that is a good start. I know what it is like to be hurt and rejected (and even betrayed a little bit) and it's just not okay, but it's possible to concentrate on what is good and helpful instead of what is angry and hurtful.

The love languages have been mentioned elsewhere on this board and are not that complicated in theory, but in practice is a whole 'nother story. If your husband responds more to praise and appreciation and all he's gotten is jabs about wanting more sex, that's not going to help things. Even if you have to fake it at first, like, "Thank you so much for cleaning the kitchen," or "It was so nice of you to drive the kids today," or whatever, even if it's something he's always done or is expected to do or is responsible for, it can help so much, at least in my marriage. 

IDK if that's just all rambling or if anything is useful, but for me, I had to learn how to communicate with my spouse in a way that shows him that I love him in the way he wants to be loved, not in the way I would want to be loved. If that makes sense.???

Also the more you can understand that some people don't desire sex as frequently or as strongly as others, and really be compassionate about that, the more accepted he is likely to feel, and acceptance is a strong aphrodisiac in itself, in my experience.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Jenny41, I wish I could help. If it were the other way around I could suggest some things because I (male) have the higher drive in our relationship. I just can't understand a guy having a hot wife next to him begging for sex and him not wanting it. If for some reason I could not have sex, I would at least be giving my wife oral if she wanted it. There have been times when my wife was so horny she had to have it now, but those times have been rare. The thing different in our relationship is that she rarely declines to have sex and even if she did not really feel like it at the beginning, she gets into it once we get started.

I really feel badly for you. The rejection you feel is awful. (I know. She used to reject me in the past. Part of that was the way I was treating her, but that is another story) The only thing I can suggest is leave him alone and see what happens. Be totally disinterested, make him chase you. Start going out with friends. Dare I say it, act like there is someone else. You might need to take care of yourself for a while. If you pull away from him, it might get his attention which may open up lines of communication. I don't know, I just get the idea that he totally takes you for granted. 

Then again, I may be full of it!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

How old is he and are there any health issues/stress issues...my H is the same. Loving and caring enough, but doesn't have the time of day for sex. Blames it on ageing, which I don't buy, since I've had older men all my life; this is the first man I've ever known like this. His drive is very low; has always been lowish, but now, it's ridiculous.

I try not to make too much of a big deal about it, cuz that only makes him worse. To the point where I am starting to believe he 'witholds', like a sulking woman would.

Vicious circle!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Blames it on ageing, which I don't buy


:iagree:

Maybe for some men, but not for me! I will be 57 in a few months and I am as horny as ever!!


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

My wife just simply isnt interested in sex....it just doesnt feature in her blueprint. 
I have sought advice and let off steam about it on here...on the whole the responses I have received have been along the lines of its probably mostly MY fault because I don't treat her right... I don't help enough in the house, I don't give her massages, buy hert flowers, tell her how good she looks etc....
I have done all these things and more, yet she still is simply not interested in sex...and when she does 'allow' me (maybe once a month) its because she feels she has to...as if its the bare minimum she can do to get away with it.

Whilst men are generally more interested in sex, it could well be (sorry Jenny) that your husband is just like my wife....
No matter what you do or say, he simply isnt interested in sex with you or indeed anyone else.

People like that really do exist....I'm married to one...maybe you are too....


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

I agree with bottled up. My wife used to reject sex with me earlier in our marriage. And I guess it is resentment, I just thought it was me conforming to how she is. But now, she wants it more, and I just...don't. I'd rather masturbate, get 2-3 times out of the way in a couple minutes rather than an hour of sweaty output for one orgasm, for me at least.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

mikey...your wife 'conditioned' you. 
You wanted, she rejected...in time you got used to not getting it.

You quit smoking, body adjusts to not getting nicotine, you are no longer interested in smoking.
Same thing.

But its ALL your fault for being a sex maniac in teh beginning!


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