# So is it Fact or Fiction when



## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

When you are dating( 35+ yrs old age range ) women are up for sex anytime you are. but once your married it quickly becomes distant history. 
Has this been true for anyone? 

Personally my X wife was very disappointing from our honeymoon till it ended. but since I have been single I've had more sex in 5 years than in 20 with the X . ( I've dated 4 different women, each one couldn't get enough of me) 
I'm almost afraid to get married again. I love the attention I get being single.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: So is if Fact or Fiction when*

As a married 40 year old woman, I say FICTION! My DH and I have average 3-5 times a week minimum after 15 years. The sex now isn't as frequent as it was during the first few years when we were younger and a new couple to boot, but it's happening regularly and it's very good, so no complaints.

I think you and the ex were simply a sexual mismatch. Either there was no real chemistry or she just wasn't into sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: So is if Fact or Fiction when*

You seem to think that all women are alike and thus like your ex wife... almost like we all have one mind.

Well, women, like men are all different. Some women are like your wife. Most are not. 

I married a guy who stopped having sex. A lot of women posting on her are married to men who stop wanting sex with them after they are married. Should I assume that all men are like that?

Either your ex did not like sex or she found out soon after marrying you that she really did not like sex with you. But you chose to stay for 20 years. And she stayed for 20 years. Why?

If you like the attention that you are getting while single then stay single.

If you want to get married at some point, just make sure that the woman knows that sex is important to you. And find a woman who also thinks that sex is important.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

*Re: So is if Fact or Fiction when*



EleGirl said:


> You seem to think that all women are alike and thus like your ex wife... almost like we all have one mind.
> 
> Well, women, like men are all different. Some women are like your wife. Most are not.
> 
> ...


I didn't mean to imply that all women are alike. I have just heard directly and see so many posts about how while dating sex was constant but once married it becomes scarce and a big issue . ( sometimes its the woman complaining but mostly men )


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: So is if Fact or Fiction when*



2ndchanceGuy said:


> I didn't mean to imply that all women are alike. I have just heard directly and see so many posts about how while dating sex was constant but once married it becomes scarce and a big issue . ( sometimes its the woman complaining but mostly men )


There are several reasons why you might have heard a lot about this....

If you mean that you have seen a lot of posts here on TAM from men who say that this has happened to them, you need to realize that TAM is a self selected population. Mostly men post here.

Men are more likely to complain openly about lack of sex in a relationship. Women do not very often. Why? Because we are told from a very young age that all men want sex all the time with any woman.... so if our husband who is supposed to be horny for any thing all the time does not want sex with his wife.. what does that make his wife? She must be a dog, huh? She must have done something to really turn him off... 

You see, when a wife does not want sex with her husband, it's because she is a frigid, withhold, (fill in a long list of disparaging words). And when a man does not want sex with his wife.. she must be an ugly, nagging, (fill in a long list of disparaging words).

It was taken a lot of time to get to the point were a woman can talk openly here on TAM about her husband not wanting sex with her. That's how strong the stereotype is.

If we look at research that has been done on the subject, men choose to make their marriage sexless (or near sexless) as often as women do.

Why is that important? Because it's about 10% of men and 10% of women who do this. So, it's not a trait of all women. Nor is it a trait of all men.

On TAM we have a self selected population of people who come here to complain about their marriage and to get help/support. So we'd expect we have a lot of people here with problems in their marriage. 

Using TAM to judge all women in marriage, is about as useful as going to a TB ward and then proclaiming that everyone in the world has TB because the ward is full of TB patients.


.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I was going to post that its just dumb to label all the ladies with one brush but I see Ele is on it. Prepare to be educated 2ndchanceboy


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

2nd,

It 'depends' on a two key factors.

1. Marrying the right person. 
2. Staying in the 'Goldilocks zone' where you are not too hot and not too cold. Too hot = crowding them being constantly present. 

The right person is a mix of qualities - but specifically:
- They likes sex both physically AND psychologically 
- Openly acknowledge that monogamy is both a commitment and a responsibility 





2ndchanceGuy said:


> When you are dating( 35+ yrs old age range ) women are up for sex anytime you are. but once your married it quickly becomes distant history.
> Has this been true for anyone?
> 
> Personally my X wife was very disappointing from our honeymoon till it ended. but since I have been single I've had more sex in 5 years than in 20 with the X . ( I've dated 4 different women, each one couldn't get enough of me)
> I'm almost afraid to get married again. I love the attention I get being single.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

kingsfan said:


> I was going to post that its just dumb to label all the ladies with one brush but I see Ele is on it. Prepare to be educated


Why does everyone assume I am putting all women in a box 
I know first hand they are ALL different. 
I just wanted opinions on what others have seen / lived through and believe to be true. 
My personal experience has been 100% on the money from" what I hear on the street " but I realize there can be exceptions


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

While everyone is different, this was exactly true of my ex (but happened in our early 20s). My current wife and I were both afraid to marry after years of great sex and not taking each other for granted. We'd both had bad prior experiences, and heard many such stories. But we did marry, and nothing changed for the worse. Of course, we were prepared to divorce immediately if it did change things, and hopefully recapture what we had. We were committed to keeping the good things going.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

I think in a lot of cases (but not all), the sexual decline comes from people getting too comfortable in marriage. We just try harder in the dating phase. But once it's official, we relax. Maybe she gives less BJs, and he stops buying her flowers... And it starts to go downhill from there. That wedding ring sometimes gives us a level of comfort, so we stop working for affection and assume we're entitled to it. But we're not entitled... If you want someone to really WANT you, you have to continue treating them well.

As spouses, we have to work to keep courting and impressing our partners. When they feel taken for granted, they won't try as hard.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Peace, the rest of the western world is far more sexually liberated than this here America unfortunately. There are enlightened pockets here and there but there's also locations where you can't get a liquor license let alone anything else. 

One would do well to adjust their personal expectations by their geographic location...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

> Has this been true for anyone?


Yep, it happens in some cases. 

I would think the # of cases where sex switches off like a light switch after marriage are pretty rare. More likely is the long slow decline punctuated by interruptions, pretty hard to get pregnant if you don't have sex for instance .

For us, there were a couple of "other than sex" activities we did together very frequently before marriage. Those 2 things DID switch off immediately after tying the knot. Sex went down in stages over 3 years and has been a constant battle every since. Actually, maybe constant is not the right word. Periodically I get tired of beating my head against the wall and switch off for a while...

I do wonder some times if cohabiting before marriage would have helped bring the issue to the surface. We were together quite a lot while dating but not all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> Why does everyone assume I am putting all women in a box
> I know first hand they are ALL different.
> I just wanted opinions on what others have seen / lived through and believe to be true.
> *My personal experience has been 100% on the money from" what I hear on the street "* but I realize there can be exceptions


While you might not be putting all women in one box. You seem to be putting most women in one box. Why do I say this? You clearly state that you think that women who are not like your wife (relative to sex after the wedding) are exceptions.

I'm trying to encourage you... to make you realize that most women are not like your wife.

As for what you hear on the street, take what you hear on the street with a grain of salt. My son's father ended all sex in our marriage not too long into it. But that did not stop him from telling people that he was not getting sex at home because I refused. At one point during our divorce, he started a conversation with me about how I stopped having sex with him... I guess he convinced himself of the lie.

When men sit around and complain that their wives will not have enough sex, how many guys do you think will openly admit to the other guys "Well I just don't want sex anymore, so I cut her off.. it's been a few years now since we had sex." I doubt that any man would be willing to admit that in a conversation with other men.

I'm not trying to beat up on you. I'm trying to change your perspective on this to a much more positive one. 

One of the main reasons that sex falls off in marriage is that people become complacent, stop dating/romancing each other. That's something that can be fixed.

Here are two books that I think would help you in long term relationships.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"


.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

This was true for me, I was under the impression that she was in her "sexual prime," at the age of 41. We discussed frequency, and before the marriage agreed that 2-3x weekly was ideal and comfortable. That was the frequency up until the date of the marriage.

Once married 2-3x a month was the frequency, had I not cried, threatened, bartered, or bargained for sex we wouldn't have had sex. The honeymoon period (first 3 months of marriage) we had sex 5 times, and only because she was fertile during those 5 times.

After the first 3 months and my numerous threats to leave the marriage, sex resumed to about 1 per week for about a year. By our first anniversary I was buying her expensive furniture on my credit, and had given her total control of all discretionary spending because she was now in the bargaining position, verbally agreeing to have sex if she got final say with the bigger purchases. This went on for almost 6 months until I did the 180 last November. I filed 3 months later.

She cleaned me out completely. Divorce will be final this January.

My sex life has greatly improved, I'd say 1-2x daily since this last September. 

Will sex decline as the relationship progresses?
I sure hope so, I don't know how this woman gets up for work so sore from the nights before...

Will she cut me off by the time she reaches 43?
I would have to wait 15 years to find that out...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

> When men sit around and complain that their wives will not have enough sex, how many guys do you think will openly admit to the other guys "Well I just don't want sex anymore, so I cut her off.. it's been a few years now since we had sex." I doubt that any man would be willing to admit that in a conversation with other men.


Now, I don't disagree with the general unlikelihood of admitting such an attitude. 

But, do you think men sit around complaining about sex to each other often? Not in my experience. Maybe I'm odd but when I get together with my buddies we talk about whatever it is we are doing or maybe football or career etc. Sex talk is pretty rare, maybe in a one on one conversation from time to time.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> Why does everyone assume I am putting all women in a box


Because you opened this thread and the first line of your first post is "When you are dating( 35+ yrs old age range ) women are up for sex anytime you are. but once your married it quickly becomes distant history."

You didn't say some women, or most women, you said women. Period. That's why.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Now, I don't disagree with the general unlikelihood of admitting such an attitude.
> 
> But, do you think men sit around complaining about sex to each other often? Not in my experience. Maybe I'm odd but when I get together with my buddies we talk about whatever it is we are doing or maybe football or career etc. Sex talk is pretty rare, maybe in a one on one conversation from time to time.


As a guy, I'll tell you that I never talk about sex with my buddies. Part of it is because my friends wives are also all friends and both my friends and their wives are gossips so it'd get around and I just don't need that BS.

However guys, in my experience, tend to not be very good help. Guys in general aren't good with giving advise and at times they go the other route, giving you jabs about not getting any. Even if they aren't either. I think it comes from a general uncomfortableness talking about serious issues with other guys.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As I said maybe because I live in the non enlightened part of the USA or I work with non enlightened people, I've only had guy sex talk once or twice both times the same guy whom I've known for 20 years. Otherwise it never happens around here. Women wise I would not know but allow me to have my doubts that playground mom talk is NSFW . Not around here.

The guys all try to out-BMW each other and the ladies to out-spandex each other or if they're Asian like my wife to out-SAT each other....


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I have no doubt women talk about such things amongst some groups of girlfriends. I have some evidence they are can be less than honest at times though judging by some reports from my wife of various book club parties. She will for instance reportedly have animated discussions about acts she hasn't done more than a handful of times in the past decade:rofl:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> When you are dating( 35+ yrs old age range ) women are up for sex anytime you are. but once your married it quickly becomes distant history.
> Has this been true for anyone?
> 
> Personally my X wife was very disappointing from our honeymoon till it ended. but since I have been single I've had more sex in 5 years than in 20 with the X . ( I've dated 4 different women, each one couldn't get enough of me)
> I'm almost afraid to get married again. I love the attention I get being single.


If anything my W appetite grew for sex after marriage. We married at age 21. I was not into sex as much and that is a whole other thread. Anyway, my W is 42 and still very much into sex several times a week and sometimes twice day. 

Every woman is different.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> As I said maybe because I live in the non enlightened part of the USA or I work with non enlightened people, I've only had guy sex talk once or twice both times the same guy whom I've known for 20 years. Otherwise it never happens around here. Women wise I would not know but allow me to have my doubts that playground mom talk is NSFW . Not around here.
> 
> The guys all try to out-BMW each other and the ladies to out-spandex each other or if they're Asian like my wife to out-SAT each other....


:rofl:


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

This is exactly why I am staying single well through my 30's. I basically shut my sex drive down from my ex denying me all the time, and it turned out she was having an EA "Still believe to this day it was a PA". I just don't want to get my sex drive going again only to end up with a woman that will deny me sex and thus me having to shut down again. Not worth it...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

helpthisguy86 said:


> This is exactly why I am staying single well through my 30's. I basically shut my sex drive down from my ex denying me all the time, and it turned out she was having an EA "Still believe to this day it was a PA". I just don't want to get my sex drive going again only to end up with a woman that will deny me sex and thus me having to shut down again. Not worth it...


I'm inclined to believe the lack of sex was a result of the EA that more than likely was a PA. Cutting yourself out of sex on a possibility of getting denied again is not what I consider a healthy approach. Get what you can before the hydraulics start giving you trouble.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> I'm inclined to believe the lack of sex was a result of the EA that more than likely was a PA. Cutting yourself out of sex on a possibility of getting denied again is not what I consider a healthy approach. Get what you can before the hydraulics start giving you trouble.


There was plenty of sex up until the EA. The cause of the EA as I was told is simply I was not there for her. Keep in mind I was out of the country for work a better part of the year which she agreed to before I did it.

The lack of sex came after the EA occurred. I'm now a firm believer that celibacy is far better than going out and getting disappointed again. I've been without sex for just about 2 years now and have found my career has flourished as a result, and I can focus on that better with not having to worry about someone being faithful or not.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

helpthisguy86 said:


> There was plenty of sex up until the EA. The cause of the EA as I was told is simply I was not there for her. Keep in mind I was out of the country for work a better part of the year which she agreed to before I did it.
> 
> The lack of sex came after the EA occurred. I'm now a firm believer that celibacy is far better than going out and getting disappointed again. I've been without sex for just about 2 years now and have found my career has flourished as a result, and I can focus on that better with not having to worry about someone being faithful or not.


There is no good excuse for infidelity and certainly pointing to it as you not being there because you were on the other side of the world is just bunk. Not knowing your situation and timeline, mine was cheating while engaged to me. I got the same deal. I was never there. I was away at school. I too stopped with the dating and sex, etc. Worked on me, getting a home and career. Eventually things changed and got better. Along came one that simply did all the right things and still does without missing a beat. Never say never, I think one day someone will come into your life that will do the right things and not miss a beat.


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