# Feeling suicidal after cheating on my husband



## AwfullyGuilty

I cheated on my husband. No matter what he did to me in the past, he did not deserve this nor made me do it. I did it for my selfish reasons and stupidity. I feel completely empty, thinking why should I even exist now and then I cry. I hurt someone who did not deserve this and I don't know what to do.

Why did I do that??? I keep asking myself.
I met this guy on FB. We were chatting about six months. He knew I was married. I liked talking to him because I was getting attention that I missed so much. He always told me how much he misses me or thinks how beautiful I am. He made me feel wanted.

Back at that time, he was deployed and I never thought we meet one day. Then, one week ago he got home. He contacted me and I said yes to the meeting. All I wanted was to see him because I really admired what he does and find him interesting. I promised myself not to cross any more lines than that. 

But I was very wrong. He kissed me 30 minutes later. He was all over me which I did not like. Then, when we talked in his car, he pulled his p...s out. I was shocked and went home. Later that night he apologized. 

I met him again to tell him he got wrong girl and I will never sleep with him while in relationship with someone else. He said he understands. But then he kissed me and was all over me again - groping every part of my body. 

Each time that happened, I would move his hands. When we were together in his car, he was the sweetest man and that's what got me. 
If I only trusted my gut feeling, I would not be where I am now. 
He always said right things to me, complimented me, kissed my nose, hair, hands. Just cuddled with me for a long time. Those little gestures that make you feel loved. 

A that is what I wanted. I wanted to feel loved by him or my fantasy of him. He was very charming. Always smiling, funny, giving you that special stare right into your eyes. He held my hand, kissed with so much passion as I did not feel for so long. 
He would talk about our future together but his words seemed too good to be true. He said all of his GF did something bad to him, no one really knew how to things get done except him. He even bragged about his clothes and told me his salary. And I was superficial too because I like how handsome he was. He told me a lot about himself which I did not know and asked about me too.

We met about 5 times and each time I told him I can't sleep with him. He said he is ok with it but when it came to heavy kissing, he always tried to get into my pants. One night he just held me because I had a bad day. I thought, maybe he cares, maybe he is not player after all and I put my walls down. I felt like I was falling for him and I could not stop thinking about him. I lost about 5 pounds because I could not eat. 

We have met one more time before he left. He was gentle as always but things changed. I told him to stop, I told him I can't sleep with him but he did it anyway. I was trying to push him from my pants but he would always come back. I did not do anything except telling him to stop. Then I gave up. 
He knew I wanted him but I could not. It is hard to explain how to put this because no matter what I write, it is all wrong. It was my fault to get with him in his car and let him play with me thinking he won't want more and will respect what I asked for.

I ignored red flags a pushed them aside because all I wanted was to feel loved. 
When I was leaving I told this guy if sex was all he wanted. He played nice. Told me that it was not, that he would not hurt me. 
After that, I felt used and empty. A liar, cheater, loser. Worst of worse. 

When I see my husband - all I feel is awful sadness and regret. I should never done this to him. I deserved to be treated that way but he does not.

And I don't know what to do anymore. Should I tell him the truth or just ask for divorce? It is not him who is not good enough, it is him who deserves better than me.

That evening I lost a part of me. It did not make me happy, it made me feel used and miserable. I feel like I hit point of no return. This morning I though about doing something to myself, that maybe I should run under some car and be done with everything. I don't know what to do anymore...

Any advice please?


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## ne9907

First lets discuss you.

Your writing makes it sounds as if he forced himself into you. Is this the case? Please be very careful and thoughtful because accusing a man of rape is no joke. But if indeed it was rape, even if you wanted it, it is not your fault. You should contact the authorities.

2nd, the truth will set you free. Confess to your husband, open up your heart to him and tell him everything you wrote. You sound remorseful. Please, do not tell your husband "You deserve better than me" that is condescending and he will not take it kindly, especially after you tell him you have cheated on him.

You are in a difficult situation because I am not sure if this man raped you or not, so I am not sure how to respond. In any event, be honest about what happened, be truthful to yourself. 

But tell your husband, he deserves the truth.

And get those suicidal thoughts out of your head please, the world would miss you. Your husband would miss you, your family would miss you. Keep posting please. We are here for you


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## holycowe

Well, your new lover is basically a player period. And you thought about ending your life because of that dude? 
Tell your husband everything and let him decide
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

1-800-suicide
1-800-784-2433


1-800-273-talk
1-800-273-8255


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## InlandTXMM

I'm confused. OP, is this your SECOND affair?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/79593-husband-vs-other-man.html

In this one you called the OM a co-worker from years ago. This new thread mentions someone you met on FB. So I'm counting two affairs this year alone, is that right?

And if so, I don't believe a single syllable about your remorse. Save your breath.


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## ne9907

AwfullyGuilty
I have been reading some of your previous post. You are what some people call serial cheater. Accept that.
You also suffer from low self esteem
You are in an abusive relationship
You seek validation from other men
You love the attention you get from other men
You thrive on drama

Honey, you need Individual counseling to help you figure out why you do all these things which are very unhealthy.

Call the suicide number someone posted. Do not harm yourself.
Accept yourself for what you are and if you like it then you will be okay.
If you don't like what you are, change it!

Get a divorce. 
Please remember that no man will give you the validation you need. Only you can give that to yourself.

Stop engaging in such destructive behavior.


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## InlandTXMM

'Fess up, OP. 

How many affairs on your husband - for real? Did you cheat on anybody before your marriage?


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## AwfullyGuilty

InlandTXMM said:


> I'm confused. OP, is this your SECOND affair?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/79593-husband-vs-other-man.html
> 
> In this one you called the OM a co-worker from years ago. This new thread mentions someone you met on FB. So I'm counting two affairs this year alone, is that right?
> 
> And if so, I don't believe a single syllable about your remorse. Save your breath.


Yes, this is second affair and I am not proud of it. I feel like a dirt even though you don't believe a single syllable about my remorse. There is something wrong with me and I can't point it out. That man from work was someone I thought I loved for about 3 years ago and we met each year when he came home. He is impotent man but that does not matter. I cheated. And that's why I feel like there is no point of return for me. I feel shame, a lots of it...


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## AwfullyGuilty

InlandTXMM said:


> 'Fess up, OP.
> 
> How many affairs on your husband - for real? Did you cheat on anybody before your marriage?


I got married when I was 20 to my only boyfriend - my husband. Never sleep or kissed anyone else. I was with him since I was 17. So, no, I did not cheat on anybody before my marriage.


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## AwfullyGuilty

ne9907 said:


> AwfullyGuilty
> I have been reading some of your previous post. You are what some people call serial cheater. Accept that.
> You also suffer from low self esteem
> You are in an abusive relationship
> You seek validation from other men
> You love the attention you get from other men
> You thrive on drama
> 
> Honey, you need Individual counseling to help you figure out why you do all these things which are very unhealthy.
> 
> Call the suicide number someone posted. Do not harm yourself.
> Accept yourself for what you are and if you like it then you will be okay.
> If you don't like what you are, change it!
> 
> Get a divorce.
> Please remember that no man will give you the validation you need. Only you can give that to yourself.
> 
> Stop engaging in such destructive behavior.


Thank you...


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## SweetAndSour

AwfullyGuilty said:


> You are right, shame on me...


OK,

Forget everything.

Go out. Not to a mall if possible.

Treat yourself with a nice meal, alone.

Find your better self, follow her.


EDIT;

I'd made a series of posts under this topic. TAM management has decided to delete most of them and they left the one above alone.

Please disregard my post above, without the rest it has no meaning.

*"Treat yourself with a nice................whatever..........." * is not the only thing I would say to such a person.


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## harrybrown

Tell your H everything. Get tested for stds.

Do not have sex with your H until you are tested or did your wonderful man use protection? 

If you keep going back and back and back, you wanted this fantasy man, but as you can see he is not real. He is a jerk and you did this to your H , and did not think about twisting the knife in his back over and over.

Ever since my WW affair, 3 years ago, I have deep sorrow and want to end the pain.

You are very selfish. If your H did this to you, how would you feel? and you did it over and over and over.

What were you thinking? 

Write your H a timeline of the affair and the emails. Show him all the emails that you sent back and forth.

Did you ever love your H? How could you do this to him? 

Go see a counselor as to what you need to fix to stop this.

Also write to your H a contract that if he gives you a fifth or sixth chance(because you went to the OM several times) that if you cheat again, that you will not ask for alimony from him. 

This OM sounds like a player and all he wanted with you was sex. You have no idea how much this horrible action will do to your H. He will hurt more than you know and he will wish he was dead.


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## InlandTXMM

Experience here is that there is little we can do for a serial cheater. 

You are, I'm sorry to say, a deeply damaged person. You won't stop this behavior on your own, or even with a bunch of us screaming at you.

You need serious therapy if you are sincerely remorseful. The first thing you can do to show you really ARE sorry, is tell your husband everything. No blame-shifting, no softening the blow with half-truths. OWN it. Own what you have allowed yourself to become. Own the monster who inhabits his wife's body.

Something tells me you'll never do that.


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## AwfullyGuilty

I know I hurt him and I feel that each time I see him. It is killing me...That is that good part of me. Bad part of me met that other man. How can I fix myself is I don't know what is wrong with me? Something is. I did love my husband but I don't know what I feel for him anymore. It is love but not that kind of love. 

Many of you say to tell him but also that it will hurt him on so many levels...How can I do that? Should not just leave him without ruin him completely? My affair with first man was about attention as well. I just felt so lonely. With him - it was not about sex - otherwise why would I be with impotent man who I saw once a year? It was about the way he talked to me, hold me in his arms. It was not about sex.

With this other man - I did not plan on sleeping with him. I told him no and to stop. I did like kissing and hugging with him. He pushed himself in and he knew I did not want it. It was not rape but he forced me and I let it go. He admitted it after all.
But that was my fault anyway for getting in a car with him. I should know better.


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## InlandTXMM

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I know I hurt him and I feel that each time I see him. It is killing me...That is that good part of me. Bad part of me met that other man. How can I fix myself is I don't know what is wrong with me? Something is. I did love my husband but I don't know what I feel for him anymore. It is love but not that kind of love.
> 
> Many of you say to tell him but also that it will hurt him on so many levels...How can I do that? Should not just leave him without ruin him completely? My affair with first man was about attention as well. I just felt so lonely. With him - it was not about sex - otherwise why would I be with impotent man who I saw once a year? It was about the way he talked to me, hold me in his arms. It was not about sex.
> 
> With this other man - I did not plan on sleeping with him. I told him no and to stop. I did like kissing and hugging with him. He pushed himself in and he knew I did not want it. It was not rape but he forced me and I let it go. He admitted it after all.
> But that was my fault anyway for getting in a car with him. I should know better.


... and none of this matters now.

You cannot be faithful! You seek escape instead of dealing with the difficulties of your marriage. Like a junkie, your need for validation is a stronger pull than your sense of morality.

You need to tell him to make sure he isn't left wondering for the rest of his life why you just walked out. 

Also, you need to tell him because you are trying hard to wiggle away from what you've done. Don't for a moment believe your own BS that you are trying to protect him. You are covering your own a$$, nothing more.


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## AwfullyGuilty

InlandTXMM said:


> OP STOP MAKING EXCUSES.
> 
> It wasn't your father or your husband who got you into affairs. YOU DID IT. All on your own. Consciously.
> 
> If you can't even get that far, you really are a lost cause.


NO, it is my fault - no body else is responsible for it. I just don't understand why I am doing it. That's all.

I will talk to my therapist and then I will say it to my husband. I know I can't live this lie.


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## MovingAhead

If you do feel suicidal, you need to call for help. You may be broken, but you don't deserve to have those thoughts. You need to seek counseling.

Call those numbers.


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## InlandTXMM

You ARE making excuses.

First thread- hubby was abusive and you "just wanted to feel loved". As if his inaction thrust you into the arms of another man. You were powerless.

This thread - this man forced himself on you - you just wanted the admiration and were not forced, but coerced, into screwing him. You were powerless.

When it became clear you are a serial cheater, you blame your father. You were powerless.


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## ing

You needed to feel loved. We all have that and if you really, truly are not getting that from your husband and partner then you at least owe him the chance to talk about it. 

You need to get into therapy to work out how to feel love. I mean real love. Not "in love". You have found out [twice] falling in love is easy. Even though it fees like it has never happened before, to anyone, ever, like it has to you. Looking at any bunch of teenagers will show you otherwise.

Suicide is a selfish act and one that many BS have considered when they find out that the person they trusted all their life has cheated. Few act on it precisely because it is selfish. Do ring a help line. I did. 

Do you tell him? 

First you get checked for STD''s and you get in therapy
Then you write a letter to him with absolutely everything in it. You spare nothing. You do not say.. "I told him i didn't want it." He is not stupid and neither are we.

You clearly did want to have sex with this second guy or you would not have gone back 5 times. Spare me the longing and hand wringing. Spare him too.

Next you close all of your hidden accounts. Yes, that one too.
You remove every smartphone app that allows communication.
You close facebook

Then you face the music. He may ditch you. 
You tell him you have done all the above and you ask him what elses he needs to feel safe. If he wants and only if HE wants, you give him the letter with the details. 
You have been behaving like a 15 year old school girl. I as going to say 18 but my daughter is more emotionally mature than that!

This may sound harsh and controlling. Tough. Your bed. lie in it.


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## NothingWantsToChange

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I know I hurt him and I feel that each time I see him. It is killing me...That is that good part of me. Bad part of me met that other man. How can I fix myself is I don't know what is wrong with me? Something is. I did love my husband but I don't know what I feel for him anymore. It is love but not that kind of love.
> 
> Many of you say to tell him but also that it will hurt him on so many levels...How can I do that? Should not just leave him without ruin him completely? My affair with first man was about attention as well. I just felt so lonely. With him - it was not about sex - otherwise why would I be with impotent man who I saw once a year? It was about the way he talked to me, hold me in his arms. It was not about sex.
> 
> With this other man - I did not plan on sleeping with him. I told him no and to stop. I did like kissing and hugging with him. He pushed himself in and he knew I did not want it. It was not rape but he forced me and I let it go. He admitted it after all.
> But that was my fault anyway for getting in a car with him. I should know better.


That is rape.


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## ne9907

AG
I sent you a PM, please read it. I hope it helps


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## Cosmos

If you're feeling suicidal, phone your doctor and get in to see a therapist as soon as possible and, in the meanwhile, speak to a close friend or a family member who you feel you can trust.

If you're depressed and having suicidal thoughts, asking for advice on an internet marriage forum where there is a low tolerance for infidelity probably isn't a good idea right now, OP.


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## ThePheonix

AwfullyGuilty said:


> How can I fix myself is I don't know what is wrong with me? Something is. I did love my husband but I don't know what I feel for him anymore. It is love but not that kind of love.





AwfullyGuilty said:


> Sweet and sour, who am I? I know I am damaged. I also know that my issues go back to my childhood with alcoholic father. I just don't know what to do anymore and I am honest about that. I want to tell him so bad...I am just scared.


Its not what wrong with you. Youre probably not damaged. You're like ever woman I've ever know that's cheated. You said it in the above post, _"I did love my husband but I don't know what I feel for him anymore. It is love but not that kind of love." _You've simple lost romantic interest in your husband and it will never return. The fire's gone out and at best you will have a "cool" relationship. 
Tell your husband if you wish but both you and I know you will never be happy and satisfied with him. I recommend you do both of you a favor and take any thought of reconciliation off the table.


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## MattMatt

walkonmars said:


> 1-800-suicide
> 1-800-784-2433
> 
> 
> 1-800-273-talk
> 1-800-273-8255


:iagree:


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## workindad

Please contact a competent professional to discuss your suiciddal feelings. 

Get tested for STDs so you can protect your health.

You need to tell your H everything.


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## jnj express

You keep saying your lonely, and you want attention----why is that

What is wrong with your H/mge

Have you EVER talked to your H, about your alleged lack of attention from him, and your alleged loneliness

If you knew it was wrong going to your 2nd lover---why did you keep going back----you had to know, you were destroying everything around you, including yourself---why didn't you talk to your H---


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## MattMatt

AwfullyGuilty said:


> You are right, shame on me...


You need help from a skilled counsellor who can guide you to be a better person, the better person you can be.


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## verpin zal

And by the way, you won't make your husband and yourself "happy" with words of self-chastising. Seek help.


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## Stronger-now

So you are a serial cheater, you feel depressed and suicidal. All boils down to one reason: you live your life thinking you are a victim.

I have skimmed through threads you started, your husband is abusive and you have been thinking of leaving. No kids? File for a divorce already. No financial stability? Start looking for a job. No education or skills? Get some training. 

Regarding your last affair, I am not sure whether it's rape or not, I only have your side. But the man showed his penis the first time you met him in person. Who does this??? Seriously. Wasn't it obvious to you that sex was all he wanted from you?? Yet you went back four more times. 

Get professional helps to sort out your life. Get counselling, read self-help books to figure out why you have low-esteem. 

Consult divorce attorney. 

The caveat here: DO SOMETHING. No prince charming is going to come and save you from your horrible circumstance. You have tried and what happened? An abusive husband, a married man with ED, and a man who pulled his penis out in front of a woman he just met. 

Plus, no counsellors, no professionals, no matter how good they are, can help you if you are not going to do anything to help yourself. DO SOMETHING. 

Your depression stems from your inaction and passivity. 

Realise that you have a choice, you can choose to continue feeling sorry for yourself and nothing will change. You can also choose to be the main actor in your life and do something about it. 

If you worry about abuse from your husband, figure out a way to tell him what you have done that won't put you in a harm way. 

DO SOMETHING. Get up and start doing something to change your life. TODAY. 

The world keeps turning, it won't stop just because you are feeling sorry for yourself. It's nothing personal, just the way it is.


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## lordmayhem

InlandTXMM said:


> You ARE making excuses.
> 
> First thread- hubby was abusive and you "just wanted to feel loved". As if his inaction thrust you into the arms of another man. You were powerless.
> 
> This thread - this man forced himself on you - you just wanted the admiration and were not forced, but coerced, into screwing him. You were powerless.
> 
> When it became clear you are a serial cheater, you blame your father. You were powerless.


:iagree:


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## LostViking

AG, if you are still there and receptive, my advice to you would be to come clean with your husband and set him free. Give him a fair divorce and walk away from this bombed-out marriage. 

Then, never get married again...or at least do not even consider marriage again for a long long long time. You need to spend the next decade working through your many issues and get to the root cause of why you cannot sustain any kind of normal, fulfilling relationship. 

If your dad's mistreatment of you caused you that amount of trauma, then this is something you need to deal with head-on, and stop skirting around it. Deal with it. Get into intensive weekly counseling and therapy. 

You are a broken woman who needs help.


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## AwfullyGuilty

jnj express said:


> You keep saying your lonely, and you want attention----why is that
> 
> What is wrong with your H/mge
> 
> Have you EVER talked to your H, about your alleged lack of attention from him, and your alleged loneliness
> 
> If you knew it was wrong going to your 2nd lover---why did you keep going back----you had to know, you were destroying everything around you, including yourself---why didn't you talk to your H---


I did talk to my H many years ago. I actually begged him to help me fall in love with him again. He just laughed. Each time I tried to talked to him, he would not take me seriously and tell me that everything is fine for him and I am the only one having problems.

I went back to this guy because I liked what he was giving me. Those little kisses on your cheeks, nose, hair. I felt connection with him. I had those feelings for him which I did not feel with my husband for a very long time. It is sad and that is no excuse for what I did.


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## AwfullyGuilty

Stronger-now said:


> So you are a serial cheater, you feel depressed and suicidal. All boils down to one reason: you live your life thinking you are a victim.
> 
> I have skimmed through threads you started, your husband is abusive and you have been thinking of leaving. No kids? File for a divorce already. No financial stability? Start looking for a job. No education or skills? Get some training.
> 
> Regarding your last affair, I am not sure whether it's rape or not, I only have your side. But the man showed his penis the first time you met him in person. Who does this??? Seriously. Wasn't it obvious to you that sex was all he wanted from you?? Yet you went back four more times.
> 
> Get professional helps to sort out your life. Get counselling, read self-help books to figure out why you have low-esteem.
> 
> Consult divorce attorney.
> 
> The caveat here: DO SOMETHING. No prince charming is going to come and save you from your horrible circumstance. You have tried and what happened? An abusive husband, a married man with ED, and a man who pulled his penis out in front of a woman he just met.
> 
> Plus, no counsellors, no professionals, no matter how good they are, can help you if you are not going to do anything to help yourself. DO SOMETHING.
> 
> Your depression stems from your inaction and passivity.
> 
> Realise that you have a choice, you can choose to continue feeling sorry for yourself and nothing will change. You can also choose to be the main actor in your life and do something about it.
> 
> If you worry about abuse from your husband, figure out a way to tell him what you have done that won't put you in a harm way.
> 
> DO SOMETHING. Get up and start doing something to change your life. TODAY.
> 
> The world keeps turning, it won't stop just because you are feeling sorry for yourself. It's nothing personal, just the way it is.


Thank you for your advice.
It was not rape - I don't blame him for it. I guess I did not protest enough for him to get I did not want it. I kept telling him I can't sleep with him all the time and he said he understands and is ok with it. But then when I said stop and let him be on the top, he simply ignored or had no respect for what I want and kept telling him this whole time. I don't know, but I take it as my fault. 

You are also right about prince charming. How ridiculous it is? When our marriage problem were worst - I simply hoped to meet someone that would give me enough strength to leave my marriage. I did not think I can do it on my own and be alone. I was never on my own and it looked scary and still does to me. I have no family in this country and they have no clue about anything. I was told that I can't never find anyone better.


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## AwfullyGuilty

Thank you for all responses. 
They hurt sometimes but I know you mean it well.

I did not call those numbers yet but I talked to my best friend. I told her what I did. I was afraid I am going to lose her as well for what I did.

Yesterday I made an appointment with our MC. I told him I did something very bad and he will see me this Wednesday.
I am going to talk to him and find the way - with his help - how to tell my husband.
When my first affair happened - I did not want to say anything. I feel very different this time. I am going to tell him and let him decide.

I feel empty and miserable at the same time. But I am going to face the consequences.


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## Plan 9 from OS

So is there abuse in your marriage or not? It was my understanding that the OP was being physically and emotionally abused by her husband. While everyone may be giving the "you are cheating scum" and "you could have left your husband if it was so bad" answers, I think her situation is a whole lot more complicated than that. If she was suffering from abuse - even if it started back when she was a child, then she needs to find a good IC and get help. The problem may be that she simply doesn't know how to pick a good man. Everyone in her life seems to be an abuser of some type. 

OP, I'd dump the husband for being an abusive jerk and I'd swear off any and all relationships until you can learn to cope with the abuse you were subjected to. You say "all you want is to be loved". We all want that, but if you can't learn to love yourself, then any love you will get from others will not help you. You need to love yourself and figure out that you do have value. Once you embrace that, you will be able to heal better. Get the IC help that you need.


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## AwfullyGuilty

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So is there abuse in your marriage or not? It was my understanding that the OP was being physically and emotionally abused by her husband. While everyone may be giving the "you are cheating scum" and "you could have left your husband if it was so bad" answers, I think her situation is a whole lot more complicated than that. If she was suffering from abuse - even if it started back when she was a child, then she needs to find a good IC and get help. The problem may be that she simply doesn't know how to pick a good man. Everyone in her life seems to be an abuser of some type.
> 
> OP, I'd dump the husband for being an abusive jerk and I'd swear off any and all relationships until you can learn to cope with the abuse you were subjected to. You say "all you want is to be loved". We all want that, but if you can't learn to love yourself, then any love you will get from others will not help you. You need to love yourself and figure out that you do have value. Once you embrace that, you will be able to heal better. Get the IC help that you need.


Yes, my husband was emotionally and for some time physically abusive. I can't say he was physical with me as some other men who punch their wives for no reasons. It did not happened very often but it did. He is doing his best for about 3 months - no name talking or excessive criticizing. 
I want to start IC as soon as I tell him the truth.


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## AngryandUsed

You knew it was wrong thing to let another man touch you the way your OM was getting physical with you.

Own this and let your husband decide.


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## SadandAngry

What you describe is rape, plain and simple. You did not consent. It doesn't matter if you masturbated in front of him, if you say no to sex, that means no. Period. There is no gray area.

Did you put yourself in a stupid situation? No doubt. Did you consent? No, that means he raped you. He chose not to respect your wishes, that is entirely his fault, not yours. Just like the cheating (everything that led up to being in the car) was your choice, and not your husband's fault.

You do not love your husband. More likely you fear being alone. Why are you the way you are? Why do you do the things you do? You have low self worth. You do not think you are enough. You do not love yourself, and you chase after what you think is love, but it is not. There's no value for you as a person in your affairs. You are an object. You are trying to get what you crave from others, when truly it can only come from within. You need to find the value in yourself. You need to love yourself. You need to believe you are worthy, and deserving of love. Is this possible after the things you have done. Yes. Yes it is. Will your life include your husband? Should it? I don't know. Only the two of you can answer that question. You need to start living your life as if you are worthy, in the mean time. You need to be honest. With yourself. With your husband. You need to figure out boundaries for yourself, and stay inside them. What kind of behaviour should you exhibit? What kind of behaviour do you want from the people in your life? What wil be the consequences if your boundaries are crossed? You need to think about these types of questions, and act accordingly. You need to explore ways of analyzing yourself, so you can heal yourself. Only you have the power to fix yourself. Start reading. Brene Brown, Steven Stosny, Michele Weiner-Davis, John Gottman. The list is long. Start searching for material that might help you, and follow up on it. It doesn't matter if your marriage fails. what matters is that you take this crisis and use it to motivate you to change for the better. To do it for yourself. You deserve better. You should expect more from yourself. You can deliver. You just need to start digging deep within to find your strength.


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## jnj express

When you say NO to someone, that is exactly what it means---if he continues on, after you say NO---IT IS RAPE---You have up to one year to deal with it, should you wanna pursue consequences

If you were to decide to go ahead and D, can you not go home, to your parents, where ever that may be

It may be hard, to free yourself, and start over---but it has to be better than the misery you live in now

When you "out" yourself to your H, have a VAR, or a friend there with you, in case your H, becomes abusive----you may have cheated, but that does not give him the right to heap abuse on you----also have your cellphone with you, in case you need to call for help


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## AwfullyGuilty

I wish you wouldn't say it was rape. I already feel miserable for cheating on its own. I enjoyed being with him, he didn't force me to stay in his car... He just didn't respect what I told him every day we met. He always said he will seduce me and he won after all. It's my fault. I let him pull my pants down even though I tried not to let him in and then I gave up. I feel used and miserable. But I deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express

Your not over your lover are you?????---if you were, he/his name/everything about him would be dirty and filthy, and you would think about pursuing rape agst him----You are still locked into him, no matter what you want to believe


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## SadandAngry

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I wish you wouldn't say it was rape. I already feel miserable for cheating on its own. I enjoyed being with him, he didn't force me to stay in his car... He just didn't respect what I told him every day we met. He always said he will seduce me and he won after all. It's my fault. I let him pull my pants down even though I tried not to let him in and then I gave up. I feel used and miserable. But I deserve it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you come here. you're going to get the truth of the situation pointed out to you. What you describe constitutes a rape, no ifs, ands, or buts. You did not deserve to be raped. It is not all your fault. What ever happened after you said no is all your rapist's fault. You were used. You can change from being miserable by choosing to be active in bettering yourself, learning from experience, and moving out of victimized in your mind.


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## verpin zal

There is something called "rape".

And then there is something in which you enter a man's car willingly, talk to him willingly, and ignore his inappropriate advances willingly, and finally give in willingly. We folks call this "meh i don't want it - put it in my back pocket" out here. I don't know about you folks.

Calling this particular situation "rape" might be an outright insult to victims of rape. Especially of violent ones.

Of course TAM members know better, I'm willing to mark those notions of "rape" as occassional slip-ups and be on my way.


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## SadandAngry

verpin zal said:


> There is something called "rape".
> 
> And then there is something in which you enter a man's car willingly, talk to him willingly, and ignore his inappropriate advances willingly, and finally give in willingly. We folks call this "meh i don't want it - put it in my back pocket" out here. I don't know about you folks.
> 
> Calling this particular situation "rape" might be an outright insult to victims of rape. Especially of violent ones.
> 
> Of course TAM members know better, I'm willing to mark those notions of "rape" as occassional slip-ups and be on my way.


Either there is consent or not. Consent must be ongoing. No means no, not maybe. Non consensual sex is rape. To start blaming victims is outright insulting.

The OP did not consent to sex. She did not give consent, and then feel bad afterwards, according to her description. If she did, that's a whole other issue, but if what she says is true, then she was raped.


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## bfree

Many times people who are raped will rationalize the events later in order to avoid the shame and self loathing, especially if extreme violence and brute force was not involved. But whether we like to admit it or not, if you do not consent to sex then it is rape.


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## CASE_Sensitive

I'm also going to agree with Verpin (despite how politically incorrect it is). But I won't derail this thread any further.


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## Racer

It’s getting derailed with “what is rape stuff”.

But back on topic... You are now a twice adulterer. You have issues. I’m glad you’ve decided to tell your husband. You need a lot of work with a counselor to figure out why your “picker” is so f’n bad, why you lack personal boundaries (how you allow yourself to be treated) and why you are self-destructive. I even see your husband as part of the same issue... physical and mental abuse? You need to work on you most. You sound ‘off’ rather than centered. Probably why you feel suicidal too... It’s just all feeling wrong like your actions set you up to be a constant victim so you can feel sorry for yourself. Self-destructive. 

You can find your center and strength again. But I think you need a pro to help guide you and give you the tools.


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## AwfullyGuilty

I talked to my counselor today. He told me that I am just like one character from a movie he likes. Is is about a guy on desert who is very thirsty and all he wants is to find some water. Then, when he finds one with a sign "poisoned" - he drinks it anyway.

I asked him what I should do about telling my husband. He told me not to say anything yet. He said he worries about me and my mental state of mind because I am not myself. He thinks that telling my husband is no answer right now - only if I want to just jump to divorce. He said that I have to figure out first if I want to work on my marriage or want out. If I want out - there is no point of destroying him that way. Divorce on its own will be too much.


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## InlandTXMM

How nice. An enabling therapist.

What does your therapist say about keeping him in the dark, so that a surprise divorce bomb looks like he was more at fault than you are?


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## AwfullyGuilty

I feel miserable - I can't think straight. I still can't get that other guy out of my mind. He does not talk to me anymore. He said he won't hurt me and can prove it ...I guess he proved opposite.


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## AwfullyGuilty

InlandTXMM said:


> How nice. An enabling therapist.
> 
> What does your therapist say about keeping him in the dark, so that a surprise divorce bomb looks like he was more at fault than you are?


Divorce would not be any surprise for him. We were talking about it for some time. I just never made final decision. I was surprised by our counselor's advice but he thinks it won't help our situation at all.

I would never make him feel it is his fault. I told my husband today that there is something missing and it is not his fault. It's just me.


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## InlandTXMM

As a BS I really, really want to believe that you want to make amends. I really do.

But I also know what it takes to be truly remorseful and willing to reconcile, and I just don't see that coming from you yet. Yes you ache for the pain you have caused him, but you are still too afraid to face the music for what you did.

As simply as I can say it:

You chose to marry. You said you'd be there for him and only him, for better or for worse. In sickness and in health. That you would forsake all others and the two of you would become "one flesh".

For all we know he has honored that vow. You were the one he was willing to take for the rest of his life, in exchange for hundreds of others he could have for a night, a week, a year. YOU were the one. His ONLY one.

And you betrayed him. You let another man literally take what you gave exclusively to him. He's been robbed - of his wife, of his lover, of his family, and frankly, of his dignity and masculinity. You have taken everything from him and given it willingly to another man. AND THEN YOU DID IT AGAIN.

I am 3 weeks away from my 20th anniversary. We've been through everything together and always seemed to come out stronger and more attached to each other than before the problem. EXCEPT INFIDELITY. My wife's A destroyed my sense of self. I lost everything I knew about my world, about the woman I've now known for more than half my life. I lost the unique bond to the woman who bore my children and swore she'd be "my girl" forever. 

You simply cannot understand being a BS until you are one. You have no idea the damage you have done. And for many BS's, it is a blow they simply cannot recover from. 

But that decision is his to make. You already made your choice - you chose to be intimate with other men and give away a man's wife to the first guy who could pressure you in the back seat of a car. You stole something from your husband you can never give back.

You say you don't want to hurt him, and you want to make things right. I admire that. But you must do it the way HE needs it, not the way you want to do it. 

The way he needs to heal is going to be the most hurtful to you. That's the heavy burden the WS has to carry in order to make amends. You dished out the most painful thing you can do to a spouse. Now you must willingly carry the pain forward if you want to heal him.

You should know that you are not even starting at the beginning with him to rebuild his trust in you - you are starting miles behind the starting line. You will have a LONG road back to help him recover, and all of that burden is going to be on you.

In order to give you the very best chance at R, if that's what you want, you need to be completely honest with him, about every detail, of your affairs. You must give him a timeline. You must be willing to submit to a polygraph if he needs it. You must be willing to accept very controlling terms of conditions, and lose a great deal of privacy as he struggles to begin to trust you again. You will probably lose your individual FB page, your private emails, and the privacy of your phone. He will doubt your stories of why you are late, where you are, and who you are with, for months or even years.

You must never again - EVER again - have any contact whatsoever with your OM. NEVER. If you had any friends who encouraged or enabled your behavior, you must also get them out of your life for good.

You must tell your friends and family what you did. You must ask them to support you both, but especially your husband, as you try to rebuild.

You must be completely honest about everything that happened. You cannot hide anything from him, but must tell him everything. Yes it will devastate him and destroy his belief in you. But it is your willingness to come completely clean now that will allow him to fully digest the shock and trauma of what has happened, allow him to assess where you both stand now, and let him decide if he has it in him to move forward with you. In a weird way, this is the last chance you have to prove you have any integrity at all - come completely clean from the beginning. If you lie to him now, even to further shield him from the pain, and he ever finds out, you can never redeem your character to him.

You must endure his anger, then his sorrow, then more anger, then his questions. He will ask you for details, over and over again. Certain things will trigger him out of the blue for months or years. You must endure his pain as he re-lives it. You must apologize over and over and over again. You can not expect him to "get over it" on any kind of time table. He will heal at his own pace, if at all. Yes, the damage is that severe.

Finally, you must be willing, after all is said and done, to let him go if that's what he wants. Some people simply cannot recover from the extreme loss that is infidelity. You must allow him to be fully human, and, if it turns out to be the case, incapable of forgiving you. 

I hope you sincerely listen to what I've taken the time to write to you.


----------



## CouldItBeSo

AwfullyGuilty said:


> With this other man - I did not plan on sleeping with him. *I told him no and to stop*. I did like kissing and hugging with him. *He pushed himself in* and he knew I did not want it. It was not rape but *he forced me* and I let it go. He admitted it after all.
> But that was my fault anyway for getting in a car with him. I should know better.


By most definitions this does sound like rape.


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## Dyokemm

A counselor who advocates dishonesty and hiding the truth about other people's lives so you don't 'hurt' them, huh?

Some counselor...sounds exactly like the rationalization hamster of a WS.

I'll never understand people who believe dishonesty, either through direct lying or partial truths, is a valid and acceptable path to follow in life.

Such thinking is nothing but pathetic self-justification.


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## TDSC60

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I told my husband today that there is something missing and it is not his fault.


What is missing is the truth and the lack of the truth is your fault.

Remember that the counselor is not trying to help your husband or your marriage. That is not his job.

However, I disagree with him advising you not to tell your husband about the affair. Your husband deserves the truth. If you confess to him he might solve the internal conflict you seem to have with the decision to divorce or not.


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## bfree

*Re: Re: Feeling suicidal after cheating on my husband*



AwfullyGuilty said:


> Divorce would not be any surprise for him. We were talking about it for some time. I just never made final decision. I was surprised by our counselor's advice but he thinks it won't help our situation at all.
> 
> I would never make him feel it is his fault. I told my husband today that there is something missing and it is not his fault. It's just me.


You do realize that the reason something is missing is because you are investing all this energy and time into finding and cultivating relationships with other men rather than working on your marriage. If there was/is abuse going on it is understandable why you would want out but the way you're going about it damages everyone and primarily hurts you in the long run. You need to decide whether to invest in your marriage and try to make it work or end it and remove the source of pain from both your lives.


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## dymo

Your counselor thinks you should first decide whether or not you want to work on your marriage. That's not just your decision to make. It's up to your husband as well. And by depriving him of this information, he can't make an informed choice. Tell your husband.

You say that the good part of you feels ashamed, while the bad part does it anyway. You know one thing that tips the scale? When you are held accountable. Tell your husband. 

You've been with two people so far. I don't see the truth staying hidden forever, especially if you don't stop. Tell your husband.


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## CASE_Sensitive

We all know you'll be meeting up with O/M in his car or yours soon enough.


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## Racer

Terrible councilor advice. How are you to become a genuine person when you know you are something completely fake to your husband? That will undermine most your attempts to rebuild your self-worth when the reflection in the mirror you know isn't how your spouse see's you. Basically, you will know, and that will have the affect of seeing yourself as a liar, cheater, etc. That won't build your self-worth at all.


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## lace5262

Your husband deserves to know he's living a lie, and that you're putting him at risk for std's.

You need a new counselor.


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## chillymorn

booohooo,

I can't help my self I cheated twice with losers who just want to bang me and leave.

you are not a noce person your selfish and are playing the I can't help it card.

yuck!


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## mahike

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I talked to my counselor today. He told me that I am just like one character from a movie he likes. Is is about a guy on desert who is very thirsty and all he wants is to find some water. Then, when he finds one with a sign "poisoned" - he drinks it anyway.
> 
> I asked him what I should do about telling my husband. He told me not to say anything yet. He said he worries about me and my mental state of mind because I am not myself. He thinks that telling my husband is no answer right now - only if I want to just jump to divorce. He said that I have to figure out first if I want to work on my marriage or want out. If I want out - there is no point of destroying him that way. Divorce on its own will be too much.


I understand that your counselor is looking out for your best interest. What you need to do as an adult is decide what is best for someone else. You not telling your husband anything is just a continuation of your selfish behavior.

Does you husband have the right to know and make his own choice? Of course he does.


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## AwfullyGuilty

Someone told me to dig deep to find out why I feel so little self-worth and do self-destructive stuff to myself.

I am not sure...Looking back in my childhood - I was growing up in family where father was and still is chronic alcoholic. When he was drunk, he would call my mom most awful names and yell that he will kill her. As a child and teenager- when this was going on, I would stay up all night long to make sure my mom is ok while shaking in my own bed. I was scared that he might hurt her. He also hit her few times and chased her with an ax. As a kids, we were always afraid he would burn house or do something crazy. I don't remember peaceful Christmas - our tree usually went out of the window. I was very shy and quite child. Nice, polite but too afraid step forward. My mom never left my father. He ever hardly apologized for anything. And she was always there - taking care about him while he was ruining our lives with drinking and spending most of his income on alcohol.

Then I met my husband. I knew he did not drink so he seemed perfect to me. I remember I did not like him or was attracted to him. But I felt safe with him and my family loved him.
Funny thing is, that I was little blind. When we met, he was growing, selling and smoking weed. I did not like it, so after about 2 years he finally stopped to smoke. He was also addicted to slot machines and put lots of money in it. I remember when we were dating, he just had to go play. I was waiting in his car for about an hour until he got back from pub. Looking back - I would not tolerate any of it. But - love is blind.


We got married, moved to another continent and started life on our own. No family, just 2 friends. I did not speak language, did not drive plus I was shy. It was very hard and instead of his support, all I was getting was criticism, names, put downs. That did not help me much. We were fighting a lot a I did lots of mistakes by calling him names when I could not stand his put down. I simply did not know how to deal with it. We lost respect for each other. 

This was in 2005. I re-read emails I sent to my friend. When we were fighting or I did not do what he liked, he slapped my face, grabbed my arm or simply squeezed back of my neck with his hand. That happened in store when I wanted to buy something cheap for me he did not like. This did not happened on daily schedules, but it happened and left scares inside.

But back then I believed I deserved it and it was normal. I did not know how real relationship looks like. I was blamed for everything. Our friends actually joked about it. He did not like when I was going out to exercise or to see movie with my best friend. He did not like when I could drive because he did not have complete control over me.
Back then, I was trying do my best. I cooked, baked, cleaned, washed and did everything for him and yet, there was always place for put down and criticism.

Those 8 years ago, there was no one but when things were really bad I was looking for escape in my fantasy of finding someone who will love me and give me strength to leave. I hoped that one day I will find him...

I am not saying this to excuse my affairs - because there is no excuse for it. He did not deserve it no matter what. I am very disappointed in myself.

I also did not like much what my counselor said. It would be living a lie if I don't tell him and choose to stay in this marriage.

I made me another appointment with my IC lady and will talk to her about it. She was seeing me before for more than a year. I hope she will point me right direction. But I really want to tell him. And I will. I can't live like this anymore. It is killing me each single day. I just cry and those suicidal thoughts are coming back sometimes.


----------



## AwfullyGuilty

chillymorn said:


> booohooo,
> 
> I can't help my self I cheated twice with losers who just want to bang me and leave.
> 
> you are not a noce person your selfish and are playing the I can't help it card.
> 
> yuck!


Yes, it was very selfish.


----------



## AwfullyGuilty

CASE_Sensitive said:


> We all know you'll be meeting up with O/M in his car or yours soon enough.


I am not meeting him. He does not talk to me anymore.
I told him that I am going to face consequences and guess what? he did not bother to reply.

What happened between OM and I is hard on its own even if I was single. I let him use me and that hurts. But by being married it hurts even more because I am hurting my husband as well. 

It was very selfish from me and I was too stupid and blind to see what was going on. But I so wanted to believe his words were real...but they never were.


----------



## manticore

I don't know why you think so much about what to do next?, it seems pretty simple to me.

for your and his sake just divorce, if you both have already speak about it and you are not happy, he is not happy, and you had cheated, what is there to save?

even if you want to save your marriage you have to come clean, you can't just "fix it" and then confess, things does not work like that, can you imagine investing 2 years to fix your marriage and then what?, live the rest of your live with the lie of the affair or confess and destroy that 2 years of fake healing and fake reconcilation.

just speak with him and tell him you want a amicable divorce, if he say yes, problem fix you don't have to confess, but if a little part of him still want to try to save it then confess and he will want the divorce.


----------



## jnj express

This is not a mge anymore---your H is abusive, and you cheat on him, as you look for physical and emotional, satisfaction----DO YOU THINK ANYTHING WILL CHANGE IN THE FUTURE????

Your H, is not gonna change----he will continue to control you---and when enuff sh*t hits the fan------you will go off and have a 3rd/4th/5th A----you need to end this mge

In all honesty---if your H, is physically abusive---you need to get your D, and do not tell him, of your A's---cuz you just don't really know how he will react---no matter what---it is time for you to end this!!!!!


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## AwfullyGuilty

What is the best way to confess? How do I tell him? Some people say don't, others keep saying otherwise....I am ready even thought I am afraid how he is going to take it. I know, I should think about it before.
I don't worry about him being physical with me. He was that way before but it stopped. I worry about him - how he is going to take it. I don't want anything bad happen to him because of my selfishness. I am so sorry about it...
In two days I am going to talk my IC. We keep fighting more now for stupid things.
This OM sent me a few generic texts, nothing more. I keep play in my head what happened between us. Not that romance that made me feel for him. I am looking for things I did that made him think I was ready for it, that I wanted him and instead of "stop" I was somehow saying "go ahead". I can only blame myself for all of it. Why did I let him use me? And there is also this denial about him - when I am looking excuses about his behavior to label him as a good guy. Tired of it, tired of my naivety and blindness.


----------



## TOMTEFAR

I would have the kids in bed or better out of the house. I would then have prepared a complete timeline in 2 different versions. Version one would contain Everything but the details. Version 2 would contain Everything including the details. With details I mean sex possitions, any love you's you or POS said etc.

I would then just sit your BH down and tell him you've had your affairs, give a general account of what you have done. Then tell him that you have prepaired those 2 timelines of it and let him decide if he wants any of them.

Finaly sit back and answere his questions. 

The most important thing though, if you want any chance of saving this, is to be 100% truthfull in your timelines and in what you say. Do not TT (Trickle Truth).


----------



## TheFlood117

Wow. When I first read this thread weeks ago, I thought to myself. 

Oh look just another entitled cheating ho with low self esteem and boundary issues. But after reading your last couple of posts I got some things to say. 

Under no circumstance should a man- especially a husband. Put his hands on a woman-especially his wife. Hitting is not okay. And your hubby needs to have an attitude adjustment. But I digress. 

OP, you are in an abusive, volatile relationship with a ex pot head toker, who controls you like your a pet or something, slaps you, verbally abuses you and puts you down. 

This is not a marriage nor man worth keeping. 

Now, this is still not a justification about your affairs. 

They are all on YOU. YOU. YOU. 

A developed mature adult would have left this marriage years, and years ago before cheating. 

Cheating is bad. It is passive aggressive at it's finest. Deceitful and it damages the cheater in more ways than one. It always and will forever stick with you. This is the cold truth. You will always be an adulterous ex wife or current wife. It is a poor life choice. 

In future relationships don't cheat. Also, try and find a better mate. 

As your hubby exhibits control issues and violent behaviors
. I would NOT tell him about the affairs. 

Let me say that again. I WOULD NOT TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR AFFAIRS. 

He may do some serious bodily injury to you or your kids. Or worse. 

I think you should divorce your hubby and have him served divorce papers. End it amicably. 

Move on. And seek therapy- this is really, really important. 

You need lots and lost of therapy for yourself. 

I feel for ya OP and your children. I really do. Good luck.


----------



## sinnister

AwfullyGuilty said:


> What is the best way to confess? How do I tell him? Some people say don't, others keep saying otherwise....I am ready even thought I am afraid how he is going to take it. I know, I should think about it before.
> I don't worry about him being physical with me. He was that way before but it stopped. I worry about him - how he is going to take it. I don't want anything bad happen to him because of my selfishness. I am so sorry about it...
> In two days I am going to talk my IC. We keep fighting more now for stupid things.
> This OM sent me a few generic texts, nothing more. I keep play in my head what happened between us. Not that romance that made me feel for him. *I am looking for things I did that made him think I was ready for it, that I wanted him and instead of "stop" I was somehow saying "go ahead".* I can only blame myself for all of it. Why did I let him use me? And there is also this denial about him - when I am looking excuses about his behavior to label him as a good guy. Tired of it, tired of my naivety and blindness.


This answer is easy. You didn't get up and leave. 

Not blaming you. I personally think this was an assault but I have a very low threshold when it comes to these things. I don't care what you've done in the past, what you went though is not okay under any circumstances.

The problem now though is you have to tell your husband. His world will be over and he'll be in peices.


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## dymo

I don't think there is a good way to tell someone you cheated. But it has to be done. Don't hide anything, don't minimise, don't bend the truth. And brace yourself for some blowback. Potentially this is the end of your marriage.


----------



## DarkHoly

"Good part of me." 

I chortled


----------



## walkonmars

TheFlood117 said:


> Wow. When I first read this thread weeks ago, I thought to myself.
> 
> Oh look just another entitled cheating ho with low self esteem and boundary issues. But after reading your last couple of posts I got some things to say.
> 
> Under no circumstance should a man- especially a husband. Put his hands on a woman-especially his wife. Hitting is not okay. And your hubby needs to have an attitude adjustment. But I digress.
> 
> OP, you are in an abusive, volatile relationship with a ex pot head toker, who controls you like your a pet or something, slaps you, verbally abuses you and puts you down.
> 
> This is not a marriage nor man worth keeping.
> 
> Now, this is still not a justification about your affairs.
> 
> They are all on YOU. YOU. YOU.
> 
> A developed mature adult would have left this marriage years, and years ago before cheating.
> 
> Cheating is bad. It is passive aggressive at it's finest. Deceitful and it damages the cheater in more ways than one. It always and will forever stick with you. This is the cold truth. You will always be an adulterous ex wife or current wife. It is a poor life choice.
> 
> In future relationships don't cheat. Also, try and find a better mate.
> 
> As your hubby exhibits control issues and violent behaviors
> . I would NOT tell him about the affairs.
> 
> Let me say that again. I WOULD NOT TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR AFFAIRS.
> 
> He may do some serious bodily injury to you or your kids. Or worse.
> 
> I think you should divorce your hubby and have him served divorce papers. End it amicably.
> 
> Move on. And seek therapy- this is really, really important.
> 
> You need lots and lost of therapy for yourself.
> 
> I feel for ya OP and your children. I really do. Good luck.


:iagree::iagree:


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## harrybrown

You should stop all contact with the OM. Tell him to stop contacting you. And you go cold on him.

Stop all contact now.


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## AwfullyGuilty

I talked to two different therapists. One told me not to tell my husband and decide if I want divorce or work on our marriage. He knows my husband because we were having MC with him. He said after knowing his insecurities, the way he was before and how jealous he can be - it would do no good to him. But he worried about my mental state and if I can keep it in me. 
He said we shouldn't get married at first place because of our differences.

Other therapist is the one I was seeing for IC when I was going through depression. She said some things are better unsaid. I will have to live with my guilt and regret. She advised me not to tell.

I honestly don't know what to do. I am very disappointed in myself and for what I have done.

One thing is dealing with troubled marriage, another thing is to get over with what happened and how to let go after feeling used.

It just added problems to problem. I wish I never done that but it is too late.

I am going through a book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and I really hope I will find my answer. But at this moment I feel lost.
My husband and I argue even more. I get irritated very easily, so does he.

I try to look at the positives about him. I do my best with house chores he complained about before and other stuff.

But I don't feel any closer. His negativity gets me often and I can't stop thinking about all of it. Everything what happened. 

Hopefully my IC, MC and that book will help somehow.


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## terrence4159

IF you love your husabnd you will tell him, if he stays with you there is a chance you can change with help. if you dont tell him you will continue cheating on him until he finds out and D's you.

your MC,IC are so wrong by saying not to tell him is is scary, looks like they just want a paycheck from you and not to help you.


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## SadandAngry

Did any of the counselling ever have any impact on your self esteem? You don't have much, and that would be a big contributing factor in how you've gotten to where you find yourself. You allow yourself to be used and abused. You think you deserve it. You're wrong. You don't. That is the thing you need to fix most of all. I think you should leave your husband and work on your own issues. He has his own dysfunctions, and if you stay, the two of you will likely sabotage each other and stay broken.


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## missthelove2013

Ask ANY woman who has been raped and she will tell you they did a HELL of a lot more than say stop a few times...I dont believe for a second she was "raped"...if she truly did not want him, she would have screamed, kicked, and fought him with every ounce of her being...


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## Squeakr

missthelove2013 said:


> Ask ANY woman who has been raped and she will tell you they did a HELL of a lot more than say stop a few times...I dont believe for a second she was "raped"...if she truly did not want him, she would have screamed, kicked, and fought him with every ounce of her being...


I am not making a judgement on rape as it pertains here, but that is a very broad a general statement that isn't necessarily true. Many women (and men) have been raped where they did nothing as they feared for their lives or family and found it within themselves to withdraw from the situation like it Wasn't happening or were sometimes unable to do anything do to circumstances so let it happen (drugs, alcohol, violence, etc being involved).


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## phillybeffandswiss

It isn't true, no "necessarily about it. There are MYRIAD of reasons why someone won't fight back and they don't always involve drugs or weapons.

I hate rape discussions because I can't believe the ignorance that people still hold about the terrible act. /derail


You need to find the right therapist or counselor and get proper help. It sounds like you bounce around and don't stay with one long enough.


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## treyvion

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I talked to two different therapists. One told me not to tell my husband and decide if I want divorce or work on our marriage. He knows my husband because we were having MC with him. He said after knowing his insecurities, the way he was before and how jealous he can be - it would do no good to him. But he worried about my mental state and if I can keep it in me.
> He said we shouldn't get married at first place because of our differences.
> 
> Other therapist is the one I was seeing for IC when I was going through depression. She said some things are better unsaid. I will have to live with my guilt and regret. She advised me not to tell.
> 
> I honestly don't know what to do. I am very disappointed in myself and for what I have done.
> 
> One thing is dealing with troubled marriage, another thing is to get over with what happened and how to let go after feeling used.
> 
> It just added problems to problem. I wish I never done that but it is too late.
> 
> I am going through a book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and I really hope I will find my answer. But at this moment I feel lost.
> My husband and I argue even more. I get irritated very easily, so does he.
> 
> I try to look at the positives about him. I do my best with house chores he complained about before and other stuff.
> 
> But I don't feel any closer. His negativity gets me often and I can't stop thinking about all of it. Everything what happened.
> 
> Hopefully my IC, MC and that book will help somehow.


After you did something you know you shouldn't have and you don't feel supported for doing it, you will get emotionally low. You won't feel good and you will feel shame and grief. I think you should feel these things, you should go through a period of discomfort, lowered confidence, etc. You messed up. You will get better, and if you have integrity going forward you will end up better as a couple and stronger as a person. Just stay busy and don't argue with your husband. You should feel bad for betraying him, and it doesn't go away quickly. Should he beat you over the head with it 3 years or more from now when you have full transparency and working on the relationship, 100% committed, no.

But should it go away after 3 weeks or 3 months, no. It's going to take a while.


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## SadandAngry

missthelove2013 said:


> Ask ANY woman who has been raped and she will tell you they did a HELL of a lot more than say stop a few times...I dont believe for a second she was "raped"...if she truly did not want him, she would have screamed, kicked, and fought him with every ounce of her being...


Yes, of course, it's all her fault, because no doesn't mean no, the guy who raped her has zero culpability, because he has urges that can't be controlled, right? 

All sarcasm aside, she said no. She never gave explicit or implicit consent. Blaming her won't change the fact that the sex was not consensual, therefore it was an act of rape.


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## AwfullyGuilty

Talking about rape... I don't feel it was a rape. Yes, I told him dozen times that I can't sleep with him while married. Yes, I try to not to let him in and said Stop but I had a choice. I could leave and instead of that I just gave in. It was my mistake. My poor choice. I guess since I did not protest enough, he took it as yes. I don't blame him for it. I wanted affection, he wanted sex. I felt passion after many years of none. But I was not ready to sleep with him. I feel used because I trusted him and his sweet talk about future, us, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AwfullyGuilty

About those therapists... I don't change them all the time . I was seeing same individual counseling therapist for more than a year; marriage counselor for almost a year now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly

AwfullyGuilty said:


> About those therapists... I don't change them. I was seeing same individual counseling therapist for more than a year; marriage counselor for almost a year now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're going to get very different feedback from different counselors, because while those in the field present the study as an emperical science, it really isn't. Their own studies and hypotheses are forged by their own lives and channeled thus. You might want to think about getting some different opinions.


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## missthelove2013

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It isn't true, no "necessarily about it. There are MYRIAD of reasons why someone won't fight back and they don't always involve drugs or weapons.
> 
> I hate rape discussions because I can't believe the ignorance that people still hold about the terrible act. /derail
> 
> 
> You need to find the right therapist or counselor and get proper help. It sounds like you bounce around and don't stay with one long enough.


Then unless you are an actual rapist, how the HELL are you supposed to know your partner is not consenting if they dont tell you they arent consenting...thats just ridiculous!!

I know rape discussions are dangerous and by no means am I condoning it...I think too many women wake up the next morning, feel guilty, and then scream RAPE...and all of a sudden just lying there and not saying anything can NOT be taken as consent...

rape wasnt a derail, it was mentioned early in this thread as a possibility...


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## nogutsnoglory

AwfullyGuilty said:


> *Talking about rape... I don't feel it was a rape. Yes, I told him dozen times that I can't sleep with him while married. Yes,* *I try to not to let him in*_but you admit you could have left if you wished. _ *and said Stop* *but I had a choice. ** I could leave and instead of that I just gave** in.*_This is admission of him being forceful of his desires and you admitting eventually giving in to this and ALLOWING the sex. _ *It was my mistake. My poor choice. * _I appreciate very much seeing you show it was not rape for all those who think they can call it rape when the woman had a choice to get up and leave._
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I, for one, appreciate the clarity of the rape topic in this thread.


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## missthelove2013

DarkHoly said:


> You pathetic fools calling this rape are about as delusional as the OP.
> 
> You grab a snake, you don't blame the snake for biting you. I'm not saying the OM is without fault because he's clearly a piece of garbage. But you don't get to walk up to the line, tease a man into bed with you and then call yourself blameless when he doesn't stop.


exactly...for the record the OP never said "rape", the 2nd post said it sounded like he forced his way on her and then the R word was used

And YES this is ALL her fault...she was NOT raped...


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## Squeakr

missthelove2013 said:


> Then unless you are an actual rapist, how the HELL are you supposed to know your partner is not consenting if they dont tell you they arent consenting...thats just ridiculous!!
> 
> I know rape discussions are dangerous and by no means am I condoning it...I think too many women wake up the next morning, feel guilty, and then scream RAPE...and all of a sudden just lying there and not saying anything can NOT be taken as consent...
> 
> rape wasnt a derail, it was mentioned early in this thread as a possibility...



That is the problem. Rape is a crime of power and not of sex or love but we have created so many different levels of rape depending on circumstances and too many people think and believe exactly as you have stated. This has made the topic a hot button where people are not truly sure anymore what constitutes a rape, besides the most heinous and obvious ones that involve physical violence or putting the person in a position (such as through alcohol or drugging) where consent becomes impossible.


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## AwfullyGuilty

I just remember him asking me 'if I feel bad because he forced me.'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheFlood117

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I just remember him asking me 'if I feel bad because he forced me.'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well, did you feel bad?


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## missthelove2013

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I just remember him asking me 'if I feel bad because he forced me.'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


could you have stopped him if you really wanted him to stop??

Did you REALLY want him to stop??


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## AwfullyGuilty

I honestly don't know why this rape question is most important thing. I did say Stop but I didn't remove myself from situation. Now I have to live with regret. Not him! He did not cheat, I did. He was just selfish and disrespectful from day one when he pulled out his [email protected] out. It freaked me out but then I came back to him just to tell him I am not that kind of girl and kept saying that until that last day. He got what he wanted. I wanted to feel loved and ignored everything else for affection he pretended. I was attracted to him, I wanted to hold his hand, kiss him, hug him... All that stuff I am not able to do with my husband anymore... When I have sex with him and this started long time ago, I cry right after. That act does not make me happy, makes me feel no closer to him at all. And then those tears....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheFlood117

Do you feel bad? About your first affair and now this?


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## harrybrown

How would you feel if your H had an affair?

Wouldn't you want to know?

Write your H a timeline about all of your affairs. If you can't stop having affairs, then divorce your H.

When you have an affair, you magnify your spouses faults to justify your affairs.

If you keep having affairs, you are selfish. Tell your H, set him free. You do not love him. Let him find someone that will care about him.


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## AwfullyGuilty

I honestly don't know. I hope I could. He was on top playing with hands. Then I let him feel me like when they do dry hump, but when I realized he wants more, I held him in my hand, or pushed my tights together not to let him in, just to feel me. I looked at him and said Stop. He actually asked me if I am on BC and I said no. His face was completely wet from sweating. He kept trying to get in many times pulling me closer to him, by holding my arm behind my head. And then I gave in. Yes, I felt bad, very bad. I felt used. I asked him if that's all he wanted and he said no. He said he doesn't want to hurt me.It was wrong just like when we were kissing after knowing him for hour or two when he got his... Out and put my hand on it.
I thought maybe I am too sensitive and people do this kinda things on first dates these days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheFlood117

AwfullyGuilty, you got the best advice on page 2 of this thread from the user named Stonger-now, if you don't remember it here it is. 


Stronger-now View Post
So you are a serial cheater, you feel depressed and suicidal. All boils down to one reason: you live your life thinking you are a victim.

I have skimmed through threads you started, your husband is abusive and you have been thinking of leaving. No kids? File for a divorce already. No financial stability? Start looking for a job. No education or skills? Get some training. 

Regarding your last affair, I am not sure whether it's rape or not, I only have your side. But the man showed his penis the first time you met him in person. Who does this??? Seriously. Wasn't it obvious to you that sex was all he wanted from you?? Yet you went back four more times. 

Get professional helps to sort out your life. Get counselling, read self-help books to figure out why you have low-esteem. 

Consult divorce attorney. 

The caveat here: DO SOMETHING. No prince charming is going to come and save you from your horrible circumstance. You have tried and what happened? An abusive husband, a married man with ED, and a man who pulled his penis out in front of a woman he just met. 

Plus, no counsellors, no professionals, no matter how good they are, can help you if you are not going to do anything to help yourself. DO SOMETHING. 

Your depression stems from your inaction and passivity. 

Realise that you have a choice, you can choose to continue feeling sorry for yourself and nothing will change. You can also choose to be the main actor in your life and do something about it. 

If you worry about abuse from your husband, figure out a way to tell him what you have done that won't put you in a harm way. 

DO SOMETHING. Get up and start doing something to change your life. TODAY. 

The world keeps turning, it won't stop just because you are feeling sorry for yourself. It's nothing personal, just the way it is.


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## AwfullyGuilty

TheFlood117 said:


> Do you feel bad? About your first affair and now this?


I feel bad every single day. If I didn't I would not be here. I would not let people here talk to me as a dirt if I didn't think I deserved it. I wish I never had them. My first affair was little different though. I never slept with him and saw him once a year. This second started same way - very similar personalities. I know it's my fault and not my husband's. I know it added problems to our own problem. Cheating won't fix anything. It only cut inside of you and leave deep scars. 

I am trying to figure out my marriage. I want my husband to be happy even though I did what I did. He didn't deserve it. No one really does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I honestly don't know why this rape question is most important thing. I did say Stop but I didn't remove myself from situation. Now I have to live with regret. Not him! He did not cheat, I did. He was just selfish and disrespectful from day one when he pulled out his [email protected] out. It freaked me out but then I came back to him just to tell him I am not that kind of girl and kept saying that until that last day. He got what he wanted. I wanted to feel loved and ignored everything else for affection he pretended. I was attracted to him, I wanted to hold his hand, kiss him, hug him... All that stuff I am not able to do with my husband anymore... When I have sex with him and this started long time ago, I cry right after. That act does not make me happy, makes me feel no closer to him at all. And then those tears....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you are married...you NEVER should have been in a private situaton where he COULD pull his penis out...this isnt his fault, its yours...own it!!!:scratchhead:

and...you came back to him to tell him you are NOT that kind of girl...bull crap!!! Until you STOP lying to yourself, you wont be able to stop lying to your husband...do you think people here are gonna buy that??? Any of that???


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## phillybeffandswiss

missthelove2013 said:


> Then unless you are an actual rapist, how the HELL are you supposed to know your partner is not consenting if they dont tell you they arent consenting...thats just ridiculous!!


No, ridiculous is you putting words in my mouth. 
Here's what you said:


> Ask ANY woman who has been raped and she will tell you they did a HELL of a lot more than say stop a few times...I dont believe for a second she was "raped"...if she truly did not want him, she would have screamed, kicked, and fought him with every ounce of her being... if she truly did not want him, she would have screamed, kicked, and fought him with every ounce of her being...


Rapes can occur if you say "No" and I do not stop. Yes, even if you just "lay there" and do nothing. Yes, I've talked to rape victims. As a man I've been taught no means no. Period. I was also taught, happened to a good friend, if she says no and you continue it can get very messy even if it isn't rape.


I never agreed or disagreed with the rape accusation. I disagreed with your assertion that:


> if she truly did not want him, she would have screamed, kicked, and fought him with every ounce of her being...


Nope, that is not true.


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## confusedFather

Squeakr said:


> That is the problem. Rape is a crime of power and not of sex or love but we have created so many different levels of rape depending on circumstances and too many people think and believe exactly as you have stated. This has made the topic a hot button where people are not truly sure anymore what constitutes a rape, besides the most heinous and obvious ones that involve physical violence or putting the person in a position (such as through alcohol or drugging) where consent becomes impossible.


The different levels of rape society has created have diluted how horrible the real crime is. It's now impossible to give consent in California if you are intoxicated above the legal driving limit. I heard the newscaster comment the she had "never not been raped" according to the new law.

Only the OP knows the true circumstances and exactly what went on. She has repeatedly said she was not raped. She should know best.


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## verpin zal

Watching with an unbecoming amusement as the "betrayal" is all but forgotten, and the discussion is still revolving around "rape".

Rape. Rape? Right.

I had also said TAM members know better, now I tend to think I couldn't be more wrong.

Right. Carry on, I'm done in this thread.


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## terrence4159

:iagree: it is sad when more people are worried about pushing their opinions on something that has nothing to do with this womans questions/problems


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## AwfullyGuilty

terrence4159 said:


> :iagree: it is sad when more people are worried about pushing their opinions on something that has nothing to do with this womans questions/problems


Thank you...


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## workindad

OP,
Please seek competent professional help.


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## SweetAndSour

Forget everything.

Go out. Not to a mall if possible.

Treat yourself with a nice meal, alone.

Find your better self, follow her.


EDIT;



I'd made a series of posts under this topic. TAM management has decided to delete most of them and they left the one above alone.

Please disregard my post above on first page, without the rest it has no meaning.

"Treat yourself with a nice................whatever..........." is not the only thing I would say to This human being.


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## SweetAndSour

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I honestly don't know why this rape question is most important thing. I did say Stop but I didn't remove myself from situation. Now I have to live with regret. Not him! He did not cheat, I did. He was just selfish and disrespectful from day one when *he pulled out his [email protected] out. It freaked me out *but then I came back to him just to tell him I am not that kind of girl and kept saying that until that last day. He got what he wanted. I wanted to feel loved and ignored everything else for affection he pretended. I was attracted to him, I wanted to hold his hand, kiss him, hug him... All that stuff I am not able to do with my husband anymore... When I have sex with him and this started long time ago, I cry right after. That act does not make me happy, makes me feel no closer to him at all. And then those tears....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Common, you are stronger than that. First thing to do to become stronger is not to pretend that your some kind o weak.

And you don't need to present yourself as a weak person to get acceptance. I'd say you are not weaker than me. Cut it out, get yourself together.


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## AwfullyGuilty

SweetAndSour said:


> Common, you are stronger than that. First thing to do to become stronger is not to pretend that your some kind o weak.
> 
> And you don't need to present yourself as a weak person to get acceptance. I'd say you are not weaker than me. Cut it out, get yourself together.


Thank you, SweetAndSour! Even though it does not feel that I am so strong, I am pretty sure I will be. It's about time to get myself together.


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## NovellaBiers

Why did his penis freak you out if you wanted it?


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## AwfullyGuilty

NovellaBiers said:


> Why did his penis freak you out if you wanted it?


It freaked me out because I surely did not. I would never expect anyone to pull his privates out after couple of hours of knowing each other. If that was what I wanted, I would not leave right after he put my hand there.I was attracted to him, yes, but it does not mean I was comfortable with everything he did.


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## the guy

Some of the greatest challenges in life come with awesome rewards. So learn from this and tackle this challenge of your own doing and move on.

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.

This experience has matured you and has taken away that naiveness that you once had so don't waste this experience but learn from it and be better for it...who know what kind of awesome reward you get years from now.

For now you can see were these bad choices have effected your life so now is the time to change them and work on it and face the tough challenges in front of you.

Your recent experiences' should be great tools in affair proofing your marriage in the future.So now is the time to make the changes that will yield the long lasting rewards.

Good luck girl and I hope you can get some better (professional) help then from some guy typing here and watching football.


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## NovellaBiers

AwfullyGuilty said:


> It freaked me out because I surely did not. I would never expect anyone to pull his privates out after couple of hours of knowing each other. If that was what I wanted, I would not leave right after he put my hand there.I was attracted to him, yes, but it does not mean I was comfortable with everything he did.


I guess I read it wrong then because you mentioned in your first post that "he knew I wanted him". So you needed a couple more times in his car to not freak out?


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## AwfullyGuilty

I don't know what you want me to say. Yes, it took more times to be with him alone not to freak out because I thought I knew him. I told him I wanted him but it was when I told him that I can't sleep with him while married. I said this same sentence every time.

I liked other things about him which did not involve my pants. I felt used but it is my problem and my mistake. I was too attracted to him and felt passion which I missed so much. But even though I liked his touch after all, I was not ready for having intercourse with him. Believe it or not. I guess we both misread each other and what we wanted.


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## NovellaBiers

At least now you have one lesson learned; men will want sex from you in the end. No matter what they say and how long they wait.


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## AwfullyGuilty

I learned nothing. I met him and told him what happened between us was something I was not ready for and he knew it. His version was - that I did not protest enough, said stop once but let him touch me, so he took it as yes. It is my fault after all.

I feel like complete trash. This guy contacted me and I was stupid and selfish enough to see him again. I did not sleep with him which as he said - made him disappointed. He asked for some other favor and I refused. But, as always, he was sweet and charming and I believed his words. Pathetic.


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## Singledude21

You really need to just let your husband be free....You make it obvious in the end who you've chosen, why keep doing this to him?


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## Gomerpyle

Google "emotional vampire". The inexplicable is made quite logical.


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## AwfullyGuilty

Gomerpyle said:


> Google "emotional vampire". The inexplicable is made quite logical.


Am I emotional vampire?


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## Aerith

OP,

You feel guilty and at the same time very sorry for yourself.

It's not productive... you obviously don't love and don't respect your husband which is bad for him but also for you. 

IMO, divorce is the best possible option.


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