# Is it OK to work with your ex?



## frankd (Feb 22, 2012)

Backstory: Divorced 25 years after 14 years of marriage with kids. 
No real reason to speak during that time, but have seen each other 2-3 times a year at grandchildren functions.
She re-married and divorced, now single.
I remarried 24 years ago - we've had our ups and downs, but still head over heals in love with my wife. 
Met my ex a few months ago at the kid's house. I mentioned that succeeding in business is tough, and she agreed, adding that she was ready to pack it in.
She later called and wondered if I could give her some advice and help out on some computer issues. 
My wife was amused, but said go ahead and help her out, it's not like we're strangers. 
Now in a typical week, I'll talk to her 3-4 times for 20-30 minutes, perhaps go to her office once, and spend 1-2 hours a week on her stuff while in my office.
I should mention that when at her office, we are totally alone, except for her dog, who treats me like family. Our son may occasionally drop by for lunch.
My questions/concerns: 
1. Is this OK?
2. My wife knows, but I'm sure she wouldn't be happy with the amount of time I spend working on things for my ex
3. Although I'm certain I don't have any feelings for her, we were married! And I remember stuff!
4. Does the above raise any red flags? 
Well, Yeah, I guess it does.
Comments?


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Let the wife know how much time you are spending there and if she is ok with it then it should be fine. Are you just doing work related things and getting paid for it ? If you are being nice and helping her out I'd tell you to quit it.


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## frankd (Feb 22, 2012)

Well, I should have been clearer.
No, there is nothing going on.
That's what I meant when I said I can't help but remember stuff, with my ex, and yet strangely, I don't have any feelings for her.
As to getting paid - no I don't take anything from her even though she has offered to pay me.
First of all, I help strangers for free, so how can I take money from her?
Secondly, my skills don't rank up where they would actually be worth any money. I'm a business owner and a computer hacker so I can help by virtue of my experience and education, that's all.
And lastly, I wouldn't charge my family or friends and she falls into at least one of those categories, if not both.

My real concern in writing is to make sure I'm being honest with myself.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

If you're writing because you're concerned it raises red flags... then in the back of your mind you at least know it raises red flags. Something about it is weighing on your mind. If it feels like you're doing something wrong, it's typically because you're doing something wrong. 

What are your options here? 

They're one of three things.

1) Continue helping your ex for the amount of time you have been and don't say anything to your wife. Clearly this path is bothering you.

2) Casually bring up the amount of time you're spending helping your ex with your wife and feel her out. If she responds in any way that makes you feel she's uncomfortable with it, stop helping your ex. 

3) Don't mention anything about the amount of time you've been helping your ex to your wife and simply stop helping your ex; at least to the extent that you have been, if not altogether.

Those are your options, correct?

Choose which one best suits your situation. I could give you my opinion, but ultimately you need to make the decision based on your feelings about it. It's simply been my experience that once things such as this are weighing on your mind, there's a reason for it. You know the reason why. As you stated, you need to be honest with yourself.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Talk to your current wife about this situation.

Also stop meeting where it is just the two of you.

If your current wife were meeting with her ex, you may not feel comfortable if the roles were reversed.


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## HelenPada (May 26, 2014)

I think that it is up to you both. You should communicate and establish if it is ok for both of you.


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