# Husband fathers child during one night stand



## tea girl (Apr 7, 2010)

I have been happily married for 20+ years and have two teenage children. A couple of days ago I discovered that my husband's one year old God daughter is actually his child. She was conceived after a one night stand with one of his work colleagues. He tells me that both of them agreed that the one night stand was a mistake and were not going to ever let it happen again. When the woman became pregnant he supported her financially and she kept the child. 
I believe that he has been faithful to me for our whole marriage until this event. I truly want to forgive him as he has been a wonderful husband and father and he is my best friend.
A couple of months ago the child's mother was killed and the baby has been living with her mother's relatives. My husband is in the process of trying to gain custody of her.
As she is the half-sister of our other two children and is motherless, I feel that the right thing to do would be for my husband and I to stay married, work through this heart-breaking incident and for me to welcome the baby into our family. 
I believe that my husband is truly sorry and would do anything for this never to have happened and to keep our marriage together.
There are so many thoughts going through my mind.
I am worried about the humiliation I will suffer if I take this child into our family. Perhaps I should divorce my husband and let him raise the baby on his own.
I'm worried about how my teenage kids will cope with this.
I am feeling very anxious and vulnerable and want to know what to do. Any advice will be most welcome.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I am not in your shoes but after 18 years of marrage my wife cheated on me twice. I believe it was just the sex and excitement of the sneaking around. She does love me and shows much remorse. We are working through it. I love her more than she will ever know and have told her that. I also told her I made the promise to myself that I would leave if she did anything wron again.

As for your situation We all make mistakes we are human. He says he is so sorry and whishes it didn't happen. That is a good thing. You only have one question to ask yourself. Do You Love Him. It is that simple. Don't worry about what others think. I am sure they have ghosts in their closets too. Your teenage children will be fine/ Just sit them down and have a grown up talk with them. They can handle it. Good luck...I wish you well.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Since, until the death of the childs mother, you say things were good and healed between you and your hsuband. I do not see why this should cause you any embarassment whatsoever. You did nothing wrong - you have shown yourself to be strong, understanding and forgiving.

I do however see why it would inflame old wounds. Like many issues I think you need to talk with your husband more. Let him know you really want to just let him know where your head is. Not really to have him FIX anything but just for the two of you o be on the same page. REally should have been doen prior to him workng on trying t ket the child but bette now than never. Whether you both beleive it is "the right things to do" for the child or not you two will need to be happy to give that child a happy home.

Best Wsihes


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## tea girl (Apr 7, 2010)

Dear hurtbyher,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I do love my husband and want to forgive him - if the shoe was on the other foot I would want him to forgive me.

Dear OneMarriedGuy,
I only discovered a few days ago that the child was his, although I have known about her existence since she was born a year ago as he is her Godfather. I'm just wondering if I'm trying to rush into a decision. Should I give myself more time before trying to forgive him and deciding whether or not to take the baby into our home? Honestly, I believe the baby is blameless so I'm not trying to dwell too much on the implications of taking her in. She is innocent and needs a good home. I just wonder if having her near me 24/7 will reinforce forever my husband's mistake or if this is something I will get over.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I understand the worry about having her close to you 24/7 reminding you of your husbands mistake. I still think daily about my wife cheating. It is getting better less painfull with time. I am sure you will allways be reminded of the mistake . You need to be able to forgive him so you can move on and give the child the love it needs.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Sorry Tea girl, I misread and thought you'd known for a year now and that everything was good between hubby and you. OUCH, this makes things a bit fresher. SORRY.

Still I think you should feel no humiliation. You are being a very BIG person here. I see your efforts as belonging to somebody with great character!

While the child is as you say - blameless, certainly she will be a lifetime reminder, with you daily, of your husbands actions. While in many ways, I see taking the girl into your home as "the right thing to do" for the child, I wonder if it will be the "right thing to do" for your marriage and thus your entire current family.

I can almost feel your internal struggle. Certainly if you were to do this, you and your husband would need marriage counseling as well as perhaps some individual as well. 

You simply can't expect yourself to be able to forgive and forget in such a short amount of time. Heck, you've barely had time to hurt let alone the time get around to forgiving and forgetting! 

I know in the sense of giving the toddler a good home time is somewhat squeezed for you in a sense ... I pray you have the strength for this.

Best wishes


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## tea girl (Apr 7, 2010)

I made a big decision today. I realised that in order for me to move out of the fog that I've been drifting through, I need to forgive my husband and let the healing begin. 
I told him that I forgive him for his infidelity, but of course will never understand why he broke the vows we made 20 years ago to remain faithful to each other.
It feels like a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders and my tummy is feeling less anxious. Now I will take it step by step, breath by breath, to see where the path leads. Maybe our marriage will heal, maybe we will divorce. Whatever happens, I hope that we can remain friends for the sake of our children. I have told him that I will support him in building a relationship between our two children and the one from his one night stand.
Whether or not we can remain married is something that only the future can tell, but now that I have decided to forgive him, I feel that I can focus on getting over this devastating experience.
I would still love to hear from you all out there if you have any advice to offer.
Cheers,
tea girl


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Congrats tea girl, you are proving yourself a strong woman. Don't ever forget it's OK to get some help too.

I wish you pleasant and peaceful dreams


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please don't move forward without long-term marriage counseling.


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

Forgive your husband instantly, and WELCOME this little baby into your home with eager arms, as it can be soon accepted by all your family. 

Divorce can feel like a thousand spears thrust into your heart, and you would never get over the loss of your husband. Children never get over it, they carry the scars forever. 

If you stick by your husband (for better or for worse), your children will stick by him also.

Another woman would snap your husband up quickly if you decided to kick him out..........and in a year or so, you would be wishing you had him back.


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## Tezil (May 20, 2010)

I dont know what to say to you. I found out my husband cheated on me and got another woman pregnant.. And I know it was just a one time thing and it was for the excitment of sneakin around but I cant accept that baby. I told him if he wanted to be part of the baby's life we would have to go our own ways. None of our family/friends know about this and I wouldnt be able to handle the humiliation. Plus the fact that he would have to talk to her even if it was just because of the baby. So in other words I told him it was the baby or me and our family. He decided to stay with me and we are trying to work everything out. So far its going good but he really hurt me a lot. And even though my heart will heal it will always be scarred. But i just cant accept the baby.. The woman he cheated on me with is also married so the baby wont be without a father.


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## tea girl (Apr 7, 2010)

Thanks, Tezil, for sharing your experience with me. I have decided that I will try to keep our marriage together, not just for the sake of our two teenage kids, but because my husband and I have such a long history and really love each other. I have days when I'm feeling low and can't believe he did this to us, but then I think about all the wonderfully caring things he has done over the past 20+ years. He knows that he has crushed me and acknowledges that he will have to work hard to make amends. 
He will soon take custody of the baby and because he lives in another city, we can continue to work on our marriage without me having to take on the baby just yet. (We live apart for career reasons and see each other every few weeks). I really hope that in the future I will be able to accept her as my daughter (her mother is dead) and as she is my kids' sibling, I think it's in everybody's best interests if she does join our family. This is the logical/practical side of me speaking, but I know full well that when the time comes for me to meet her, I will be an emotional wreck. 
First things first, we must repair our marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

{{{tea girl}}}

You are very brave and very wise. God bless.


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## tea girl (Apr 7, 2010)

It is now 4 months since I found out about my husband's one night stand. All in all I'm doing pretty well. I have forgiven him and we are getting along very well. He has accepted all responsibility for his actions and regrets hurting me. 
My problem is that I feel that I'll never be able to get over this. I always thought that I was his no. 1 as he was mine, but now I realize that this was not the case for the night of infidelity.
Also, in the beginning I thought that I'd be able to accept the child as she is the sibling to my two kids, but now I'm having second thoughts.
Any advice you can offer will be gladly accepted.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

A family member of mine has three children by his current wife and very happily married. About five years ago, there was a knock on their door and a young man of sixteen informed him that he was his son. Apparently during a stressful time in their marraige, he had a short lived affair and never knew the woman had concieved.

The wife in the situation handled it all so gracefully. First she sat the kids down and told all the kids.Then they informed their parents. Shortly after that, one of their sons was getting married. The son invited the new son to participate in the wedding and the kids introduced him "my new brother" and his wife introduced him as this is XXX, he has joined our family. She squished those gossip mongers before they had a chance! Five years later they still are a strong family.

My advice to you is this.Sit your kids down and tell them the truth. Make sure that you let them know that you have forgiven their father and both of you are committed to each other. Explain the situation of the child's mother and that you want to welcome the child as part of your family.The child did not do anything wrong and needs to be part of the family. As far as the rest of your family and outside friends, it will be up to you how much you want to reveal. Your husband is a Godparent and it is traditional that a Godparent take over when a parent has died. So to anyone else, baby X joined your family because your husband made a committment. As far as never getting over this, Never is a long time. You have already made a decision that he should get the child. You are a very strong woman. This is not a situation where you are embattled in a bitter custody suit and have to deal with the other woman all the time. You may have to work on some visitation issues with grandparents but you can get through this. I don't think you will hold it against your husand, you love him and he loves you. You are sincerely worried, but with time, all those worries will fade away. Don't get caught up with what everyone else will think. They will soon forget and move on to something else. I have seen it work, and admire how the family handled themselves. I think a baby would be easier to deal with than a sixteen year old who already has hormones and their own ideas! 

I am sure there is some hurt. Work through that with your husband. Go see a counsler together to get some ideas on what is best for your family. I am sure your husband is going through emotions as well. If you work it out together, you will be better for it.


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## panafedin (Aug 2, 2010)

You would be doing an honorable service if you were to allow this child into your home. Regardless of your beliefs, or even if you are a staunch atheist, the world tends to operate on a general principle of "what goes around, comes around."

Now the 'goes around' statement is an extreme oversimplification, but there is a universal truth central to most belief systems: by 'losing yourself,' by placing the needs of another before your own, by sacrificing yourself for an innocent (the child), you are demonstrating true love -- agape love -- 'other-centered' love.

I know that if you choose this, choose to fully forgive your husband, and love this child, you will eventually find yourself with greater joy than you could have imagined.


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## panafedin (Aug 2, 2010)

tamara24 said:


> A family member of mine has three children by his current wife and very happily married. About five years ago, there was a knock on their door and a young man of sixteen informed him that he was his son. Apparently during a stressful time in their marraige, he had a short lived affair and never knew the woman had concieved.
> 
> The wife in the situation handled it all so gracefully. First she sat the kids down and told all the kids.Then they informed their parents. Shortly after that, one of their sons was getting married. The son invited the new son to participate in the wedding and the kids introduced him "my new brother" and his wife introduced him as this is XXX, he has joined our family. She squished those gossip mongers before they had a chance! Five years later they still are a strong family.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Wise words from a wise friend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree with tamara.

The thing is, we grow up with this notion of what we 'deserve' or 'want.' And then we mature, have experiences, gain wisdom, and realize we end up with what we end up with. Not what we deserve or want.

The true measure of our worth in this life is how we deal with our adversities. 

My mother always told me that my job in life was to leave this planet in better shape than I found it. Think about it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

tea girl said:


> (We live apart for career reasons and see each other every few weeks).


You sure that this was a one time thing?

If I was living apart from my wife and only saw her every few weeks I don't think that I would be having a single oopise. Just sayin'.


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## tea girl (Apr 7, 2010)

Thank you all so much for your advice. It's nice to hear that this has worked out ok in another family. Unfortunately, the baby is half Asian and definitely looks like my husband (who is caucasian), so it will be obvious to all onlookers that she is half his and half Asian. Right from the start I told my husband that he must look after the baby, as she is innocent, but now that the time is getting closer for her to join our family, I'm feeling panicked.
I know that I should ignore what other people think and do what is right for my family, but you know, that's easier said than done. 
I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe strongly in the saying "you reap what you sow" and that's why I want to do the right thing by the baby. She never asked to be born.
At the time of the one night stand my husband was not working away from home. He swears that it was a one time (drunken) event and I do believe him. I had never seen him shed a tear in 20+ years until all of this came out and he thought I would leave him, and then the tears poured out of him.


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## Resonance (Aug 11, 2010)

Since you are trying to keep everything together as far as the relationship goes, I would suggest counseling.

When trust is broken, it will never be the same ever again. At this point, think of your children and yourself and do the best thing for your family. As for shame - who cares what others say or think about you. Life is too short to make decisions based on the judgment of others. If you go through the counseling and try to work things out and keep the child in your home, I would suggest that you tell your children that the new child is their half-brother/sister (I apologize, I speed read and missed the gender) from another relationship. You do not need to tell them what happened, just let them know they are family. 

As for your husband, make it extremely clear that you are not a door mat and will not tolerate any more infidelity. If you truly want to make things work, just do not hold the situation over his head or the relationship will never have a chance to heal. I applaud your desire to try to work through things, as most would end a relationship on the grounds of infidelity. Most importantly, please do not blame this child for what happened (I am not saying you will or would).


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Of course you feel panicked. I would think that to be a normal feeling. I would suggest you find a counsler to talk out your feelings and get into the best mental shape you can be in. The more you accept this baby, the more your kids will too.

I think life happens for a reason. You are doing a good deed to this child and it will come back to you. You are not holding the child responsible for the sins of the parents, so I don't think you will mistreat the child or make it feel unwanted. You are probably so conscious of it that you will be better for it. 

Just remember, you can control what you want people to know. Her mom has passed and she is part of your family. She could e a distant cousin of your husband's family for all they know. A year from now, this won't even be an issue as people tend to be more worried about their own lives than what is affecting yours. I am sure you will be questioned. But only you can decide how you want to handle this. My husand is her Godfather and she is part of his family so she is coming to live with us as part of our family since her mother passed away. 

When people realize that there is not much to the story, then the will back off. Your kids are the ones that need to be told the whole truth and that is what matters.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

You have to do whatever soul searching you need to in order to not care what other people think. I have very recently gone through an ordeal with my husband cheating on me. Without a doubt I can say this. Everyone around me is supporting not just me, but my husband too. I have not been shy or quiet about telling everyone we know what has happened in our lives. His family has been a huge part of our healing. Ever heard the phrase, the truth will set you free? I believe it. You do not have to tell people what you don't want them to know. But, at least be honest with yourself. If you choose not to worry about what other people think, you will make the best decisions you can make for yourself! When you worry about what other people think, you cannot make the best decisions for yourself.

From my experience, I can only say that I am making the best decisions I can make for me and my children, because I don't worry or care what other people think.


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## 3boysmama (Aug 28, 2010)

Hello,

I am going through quite a similar situation. My "boyfriend" confessed to having a one night stand 8 yrs ago because we just found out that a child came from that. I say "boyfriend" because we weren't married at the time but did have a young son and were living together. We are now married and have 3 boys total. This blew me away. After doing a DNA test, I now find myself the step mom to a 7 yr old boy. We haven't met him and my husband has just started talking to him on the phone. He doesn't know my husband is his dad. After a lot of soul searching and praying, I have decided to stay with my husband because I know that's not who he is now. We have had a great relationship and he's a wonderful father. After watching his reaction to this news and seeing how remorseful he has been, I am positive this was nothing more than a one-time thing, an opportunity that presented itself. The pain of this child's existence is overwhelming. I too worry of the shame I will face but I think this could be a beautiful example of forgiveness. I think a divorce could only damage my children since all they've ever known is us as a family. This little boy is completely innocent and I genuinely feel sorry for him because his mom has let him grow up without a father. She didn't know who the dad was and just started looking for him a year ago. I am a Christian, so being able to ask God for guidance, wisdom and strength has been a great help to me. I believe I can welcome this little boy into our family and one day accept and care for him. I understand your situation is different but if you believe you can make a difference in this little girl's life, I hope you can try raising her. As with my new step son who has been fatherless, she's now motherless. There has to be this great void in their hearts that they don't even know is there. I wish you the best and would love to hear how this is going.


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## tea girl (Apr 7, 2010)

I have revisited all your comments on a number of occasions, trying to gain strength and clarity, but wasn't ready to re-post until now. 
Nothing much has changed in my situation. My husband is still trying to gain custody of the child and I think she will join him in the next few months. When we see each other (my husband works away) we get on very well, have fun and communicate well. We have always been very good friends and have always had the deepest respect for each other. We talk at least 3 times a day.
My problem now, 7 months on from finding out, is that some days my feelings overwhelm me and I feel totally lost. I go from feeling angry, to hurt, to devastated, to confused about my future. When I look at my friends I am envious because their husbands (as far as I know) haven't cheated on them and their marriages are still 'perfect' - just like mine used to be. At these times I feel angry at my husband for doing this to our marriage.
Some days I want him to make everything better, to make me feel better. Other days I think that I'm the only one who can make me feel better, that I need to be stronger.
I want him to be more attentive and affectionate, I suppose to reassure me, but it's just not in his nature to be touchy-feely. Maybe I should just give up and try to find someone else. 
Sorry for rambling.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

tea girl said:


> ...I want him to be more attentive and affectionate...


Have you tried approaching this with him in a non-confrontational, yet honest manner? I say this because as guys we don't always get the "behind the scene message" if you don't spell it out. Be forward tell him you still hurt from the infidelity and that you want him to make an extra effort to be loving with you. Not in penance but just because you need it and desire it.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Teagirl, 
I hear you saying that you just wished your old life was back and that this situation hadn't changed what you thought and trusted in.....
My therapist always just says to me that all the spinning of my wheels isn't going to change this, that some things just don't have an answer and that I just can't make sense of it........
Recovering from an affair is difficult and that is what you are trying to do, I'm also one of the people that has been married for over 20 years.......our belief system has been destroyed and that is painful for us......how could they let something like this happen? I think the same thing a lot.......My husband also was never very affectionate but I explained to him that I have always needed it and he made me live without it........he has changed and is the one holding me, touching me, hugging and kissing hello and goodbye.....holding my hand.......you know what he realized he wanted it to and now needs it as well......but I started it and just told him it was his job now that he had created the problem for me by having and affair. It screws with self esteem and self worth and for me the physical connection with the affection seem to make me feel better and it will for you as well......just tell him this is what you need and be the one to do and you will see he will also return when he realizes it's not a bad thing.......he will miss it as well when he doesn't have it everyday once he is used to it........
everything else will fall into place......the child will be a blessing you will see.......sometimes happiness comes from places we didn't expect.......
I don't think you should give up, I think you should work at getting the relationship you want, don't just sit back and wait for someone else to give it to you, you go out and get it.......take back what is yours.............it only take one person to get the ball rolling........


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I am sorry you are still feeling this way. I think it would still be normal at this point to have all these feelings that you are having.
First, spell it out. You have a great relationship with your hubby, and lots of respect. I don't thin he thinks you have no reservations in this or harbor bad feelings. Tell him, on days that I feel blue about all of this, I need you to _______. Don't expect him to know what you are feeling or you will end up in resenting him and that will do no one any good.

Listen, I know it may look like all your friends have the perfect marraige but no marraige is. For example. I complained to one of my friends that I wish my hubby was like hers,he is so involved with the kids. Come to find out, he is a closet alcholic! Another friend, seems to have the financial life I could only dream of. She confessed a few months ago, she shops because she is depressed that her husband does not spend enough time with her and they are in debt.
Just realize that you are only human and you may have lots of feelings before. This comes to a conclusion, but you need to work through this with your hubby. You need to tell him EVERYTHING. How you feel, how he needs to give you some emotional support, more affection, and help you grieve. You are not super woman! You have needs that need to be filled and if you don't express this, you will just miss out. My hubby also yells at me because he does not understand why I just don't spell it out for him just once. He says guys are not wired this way and he would do whatever it took as long as I would just tell him.
What have you got to lose? Stay strong, you will get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

There are so many thoughts going through my mind.
I am worried about the humiliation I will suffer if I take this child into our family. Perhaps I should divorce my husband and let him raise the baby on his own.
I'm worried about how my teenage kids will cope with this.
I am feeling very anxious and vulnerable and want to know what to do. Any advice will be most welcome.[/QUOTE]

You have nothing to be humiliated about, what you are offering to do shows a wonderful ,caring ,open hearted person.

You have so much to deal with right now that getting counselling for yourself to go through it all is really the best way to proceed.

All the best.


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