# Another good friend falls.....



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My two very best friends are cheaters - pretty bad cheaters in my opinion. Let them go. Cried and cried. So lonely.

Talked to a third friend last night who finally told me they are seeing a married person. They were afraid to tell me.

Cried and cried. 

The first two friends I could somewhat see but this last one was a surprise. Always a straight-shooter.. Oh my. I've been so sad all day. 

I want to be happy for my kids and the holidays but I can't ever, ever, ever see myself trusting anyone again. 

Even if someone were to be trustworthy, I would not trust them. 

I feel completely broken inside. I AM THE ONE SUFFERING and I am a good person. 

I want them all exposed so bad but I am not in their life and don't know the affair partners. 

I will walk away.....again. All my very best friends are gone and I really don't want to make new ones. 

I feel as I may be the bitter one in the end. I wish it didn't bother me so much. Why does their behavior make me so sad? 

It's been a terrible day.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

So sorry for you. The trouble is, you are a strong person with solid boundaries. You have worked for that status. Haven't you? I bet there are many folks you know who have similar skeletons in their closet. 

Why wouldn't you feel betrayed and abandoned? Why wouldn't you feel gaslighted and deceived? Of course you would. They are, in the end, no better than your cheating spouse. How could anyone stay with a friend, but not their spouse? It would make you a hypocrite. 

What to do? Make new friends. There's nothing wrong with not trusting people. Trust is earned, not freely given. It is tough to win and easy to lose. It's good to believe you can only trust folks so far. That's reality. 

I've struggled with this, too. I'm sorry you are hurting. Hope this helps. There's nothing wrong with you.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this with your friends, IMPO cheaters are very selfish people and you seem kind and generous. I hope one day you find friends you feel you can trust.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That's a bummer!!

I can understand you not wanting to make more friends. People are so good at disappointing those who love them.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope there is a way that you can let the spouses know.

you could try some way so that you were not identified, but if it were me, I would want to know. 

Hopefully, it would make your former friends face reality and try to improve their lives.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Rugs.

Upgrade to a better class of friends. Don't settle. Good on you for dumping toxins from your life. I'd rather be alone than mix with the devil. 

Join clubs that interest you. Meet folks there with common interests.

Give club strangers a chance. Be nice to strangers, that's where your friends come from...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My best friend of 46 years is a serial cheater. It has caused our relationship to be on & off again. So I can appreciate what it is like to lose a close friend. But hang in there as there are good people to be friends with. They do exist.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I could not ever reconcile my marriage but it is so tempting to ignore it with my friends. 

I think if I stick to my guns, in the long run, my friends will respect me for respecting myself. Right now they just think because I had a cheating husband, I'm bitter. 

I have always hated cheaters and not once cheated. I just think it's such a dishonest trait. As I told my friend last night, if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. 

for now, I'm going to try a bunch of new recipes and focus on Christmas for my kids. Stepping away and doing my own 180 is always the best thing. The first few days are the hardest. 

I think I needed a good cry and may have another but I'm going to try not to beat myself up about it. 

I now see these friends in a different light and it can't be changed back. I know I will eventually be better for it but I just can't believe where this life has taken me. Unreal.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Keep the faith. Good things and great times await. Be patient with yourself.

Their poor behavior is not your fault. Miss them, but let them go.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I forget where I read it's more than seventy percent that have been unfaithful at least once in their lives involving a PA.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> I hope there is a way that you can let the spouses know.
> 
> you could try some way so that you were not identified, but if it were me, I would want to know.
> 
> Hopefully, it would make your former friends face reality and try to improve their lives.




I would love too expose. One of my friends world would crash for sure and the other two I'm fairly sure. 

I am happier today but I would not want my friends to give up on me if I made a huge mistake so I am still torn.

They're not thinking of me and they won't really miss me as a friend I think. 

I just wish they knew it was not because I was cheated on that I am upset but I am upset at their lack of judgment when they could hurt so many people. 

Gonna move on at least for today. 

I feel good about MYSELF and my behavior does not keep me up at night. I know MY conscience is clean. 

If they are mad at me, they are really just mad at themselves. (IMO)


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I no longer have a lot in common with my two best friends so we don't speak very much anymore. 

I wanted their affairs to be exposed and I ever thought of contacted their AP's spouses and their spouses but I never did. 

One friend has since divorced and altough my other friend has ended (or says ended) her very very LTA with her friend's husband, they still run with the same group of couples. 

I see the other day a friend of mine has "liked" a facebook picture with my friend and her AP's wife at a holiday party. 

Wow, that is a lot of nerve to smile for a picture of you and your AP's unsuspecting wife and put in in Facebook for the world to see. Imagine if and when this woman finds out about the betrayal. 

I am just still sick of how low this is. That's cold!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This business w/ your friends seems to be creating a lot of stress for you, and understandably so. You may want to consider dropping them as friends on Facebook (or, at the very least, unfollowing them) and any other social media, if not simply dropping them altogether.

IOW, "drop" them to the extent required to give yourself the distance that you need from your own exposure to their crappy life choices.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

No stress for me just showing how terrible a person can be. no conscience at all for betraying the friend who's husband she is or was sleeping with. 

This should be posted under: unbelievable things Waywards do.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Ugh sorry to hear about this. It sucks when the people you care about are the ones who always seem to disappoint you 

Your friend had to know you were going to cut her off after you cut off the other two. Did she say why she even told you??


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I no longer have a lot in common with my two best friends so we don't speak very much anymore.
> 
> I wanted their affairs to be exposed and I ever thought of contacted their AP's spouses and their spouses but I never did.
> 
> ...


It amazes me how Facebook tends to bring out the worst behavior in broken, dysfunctional people, and in that sense it is a good tool for measuring a person's moral compass. 

Having said that however, I stay off Facebook. My new wife spends two hours a day on it. I wish she didn't, but I have full access to her FB account and can read anything she posts.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think it's a sign of the divide in society (and I think this is a universal, eternal divide) between the people who are committed and respectful and have no patience for infidelity, and those who think it's the way of the world and anyone who disagrees is naive or in denial.

In your case, you are just 'bitter.' The idea that you have core principles that are offended by your friends' behavior doesn't compute with your friends because they are in the second camp.

There are armies of people out there like you Rugs, though. Armies. And we see the stark difference between these two mindsets daily on this board. No matter what the armchair experts say, anthropologists are firm in the view that humans are a monogamous species; infidelity, it appears, arises from competing survival adaptations, but monogamy is the basic survival mechanism for us.

Over the years I've found that my good friends are like me in this (and other) respects. The ones who think like your friends moved out of my circle over the years. I couldn't respect them & they couldn't resonate with me.

Don't despair, R! There are friends for you out there that you can respect, friends who don't think that they are doing what everyone else does and that you are just bitter.

(And fwiw, I would not hesitate to anonymously inform the poor, clueless BW of your former friend's AP - LTA, indeed!)


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

alte,

I just want to say, "Thank you". I'm sure OP appreciates that. I didn't know how much I would appreciate it. It meant very much to me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

.

No need to thank, 2.

(Calvin and Hobbes is a family favorite. My son memorized - I mean word for word - every strip when he was a boy.)


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

The more time that passes, the better I feel. I think time just took care of things for me. I live a very simple life and I am content. Very content. 

I am surprised how unhappy these cheaters are. I have to think most cheaters are unhappy. How could you live so dishonestly and be truly happy? 

I have thought about telling this poor BS about the affair but it is not my nature to get involved in other people's business. 

Would I want to be told? I believe I would. I think if I would have the nerve to tell this person, I would have done it already. Part of me just can't bare to hurt a total stranger and change so many lives. 

I wonder if I would have ever cheated if the circumstances were right. I have never cheated on anyone and I never wanted to. I wonder what I would do in certain situations. People can always justify bad actions. I dunno. 

Spending the holidays with my bff and taking selfies of ourselves while I was sleeping with her husband is just so incredibly insulting......

I don't miss my friend.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

*"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men(women) to do nothing." - Edmund Burke*


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Rugs said:


> The more time that passes, the better I feel. I think time just took care of things for me. I live a very simple life and I am content. Very content.
> 
> I am surprised how unhappy these cheaters are. I have to think most cheaters are unhappy. How could you live so dishonestly and be truly happy?
> 
> ...


I certainly understand this thinking. It was taught to me over the years. I want to say my mother taught me this. I am not certain. 

Aren't you justifying their bad actions with your fear of hurting someone else by telling them the truth? Isn't blaming yourself really placing the blame on the wrong person? You didn't do anything. 

I do understand not wanting to put her through all the pain. I...just have to believe it's a disservice to hide it from her. I think that would bother me longer.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't know the BS or the AP. AT ALL. I may feel differently it I knew them. ??


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Rugs---------Cheaters are unhappy cuz they live in a life of dishonesty/manipulation/deceit/lies, and misery

How could anyone be happy living a life with all those things controlling their thoughts

they have to plan their days based on sneaking around, and being so, so, careful not to slip up in any conversation/activity, they have with a REAL PERSON

They live in fear of getting caught, and the consequences that would follow----------believe me, they may be having some sex, with a person that is not their H/W, but everything else in their life that goes with it, is not pretty---they do not have any more carefree days, and they certainly have no peace of mind

You may be straight and narrow, but you are also a million times better off than all of your friends put together


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I feel that when a BS finally finds out about what the WS has done, been doing is a kin to someone that finds out that they've have cancer stage 4 cancer.

They wonder how different their lives would be if they had only know earlier...

Knowledge is power. Even if I didn't know someone, I would not be able to just sit idly by knowing that I was holding that power from them. Nor would I want the same thing done to me.

I'd have to at least send them an anonymous letter/email. If someone had done the same for me, it would have made a world of difference.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

jnj express said:


> They live in fear of getting caught, and the consequences that would follow----------believe me, they may be having some sex, with a person that is not their H/W, but everything else in their life that goes with it, is not pretty---they do not have any more carefree days, and they certainly have no peace of mind


Pretty much sums up my fww before I caught on. In between all the lies, the confusion of who she really was and the facade she presented to everyone else... family, friends, work, it took it's toll. 



GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> *They wonder how* different their lives would be if they had only know earlier...
> 
> *If someone had done the same for me*, it would have made a world of difference.


F'ing right. I was in the dark for years. All those years with my wife cheating behind my back were so confusing, *literally stolen*, trying to fix "my" issues, what a waste of precious life. 

Many of her friends knew what was going on, not a single call, email, note. Turns out most were cheater themselves. Figures...


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Rugs,

I would expose. The BS needs to know. You would want to know, I would want to know and that person is living a lie. A big time lie. 

Sorry about your three friends. I know you dumped two. Did you ever dump the third ?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

and it wouldn't be your fault if the lives crash down, it would be the WH and OW's fault. It may cause you some guilt if 10 years pass and it crashes then


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Rugs said:


> My two very best friends are cheaters - pretty bad cheaters in my opinion. Let them go. Cried and cried. So lonely.



Last thing you need is to be guilty by association. I know for me, if I was to consider a woman for a relationship, but she hung around a cheating crowd of women, I'd have to think twice. Not fair, I know. But you know the saying, "birds of a feather..." And no, I'm not saying you are one in the same. Just commenting on the unfairness of being pegged based on the company one keeps.


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