# Do you tell someone their husband is cheating?



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I am in a quandary. A "friend" of mine took a guy home last week and had sex with him. She was bragging about it the next day at work. I finally got the guy's name out of her. This pos is suppose to be happy in his marriage, is my fathers boss also. I told my father and is upset about this behavior. He said he would confront the man but I told him not to right now.

I so want to let the clueless wife know what her wonderful husband is up to. I wish someone had told me that my husband was cheating on me. 

What are your ideas on this?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

My opinion is let her know.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I made someone confess to his wife. I told him if he didn't tell her I would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Matt... I have thought of doing this as I have the pos #. My Friend, said loosely is a **** and I am afraid she might give the gift that keeps on giving. The wife does not deserve this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

There is nothing noble in staying silent. My tolerance level for others infidelity is pretty much at zero. If you want to be decent, tell her to disclose to her H, or you will. The H deserves to know the truth.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- to your original question

Absolutely, you let the BS know.

I wish someone would have had the decency to let me know.


----------



## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, it is none of your business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Yep. You tell. Always tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Tomara, that's a tricky place to be in. Personally, I'd tell. Others likely feel that it's not really your place to tell.

I like to look at it from the POV of the person who doesn't have a clue. Would I want another to tell me about my SO's cheating? The answer would always be yes, most definitely I would want to know. I'd want to know that I was being lied to and that my health was at risk (STDs). I'd also want to know that my SO wasn't happy with me alone, so that I could leave him and get on with my life.


----------



## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Most ppl would like to know. I would!!


----------



## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Tell her anonymously if your uncomfortable.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I feel morally it is my business when it's in my face. When it's happened to you it makes you see things differently. I think telling the pos to fess up to his wife is the best way to go.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, the betrayed spouse always has an even greater right to know if they are being cheated on by their wayward spouse, not just beyond a reasonable doubt, but much rather by only a mere preponderance of the evidence!

If you take the trouble to make solemn vows to someone that you love, to yourselves, your clergy, your family and friends, to your entire community, but more importantly to the Heavenly Father, greatly to the effect that you will always "love, honor, and cherish them, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, better or worse, for as long as you both shall live," then your feet should summarily be held to the fiery epitome of that most sacred commitment!

Ergo, if I had compelling evidence and knew of someone else being blatantly cheated on by their spouse, I'd tell them in a heartbeat!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Tell her anonymously if your uncomfortable.



1. Some people don't want to be confronted. She may want to make her own exit plan in her own time.

2. You also don't want your father's job or yours for that matter to be put in jeopardy.

yes, if my husband were cheating,I would want to know. And since these days I am always on high alert, even the most cryptic of hints would motivate to look deeper.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

My job would not be in jeopardy and my father who is 75 could care less if he was let go. But I don't think he will have to worry as it is me doing the telling not him. Information is golden and she can or cannot use it if she so chooses. They have two grown sons and this would be devastating to them, this makes me think twice. My kids were young and it really hurt them with my situation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Tell the wife.

Keep your father out of it.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

First your "friend" goes. She is toxic. You can work with her but that's it.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd want to be told. I'd think most would.

A while back there was a story circulating throughout Facebook about a woman that was texting her lover while seated next to her husband (or maybe boyfriend) at a baseball game, football game, or some other similar event. She was pregnant, presumably (wink wink) w/ her husband's baby.

So this guy sitting behind them saw her doing this, so he wrote out a note and handed it to the guy as they were leaving. The denizens of Facebook, as you might imagine, had a grand ol' time debating back and forth w/ respect to whether or not he should've gotten involved. (Most seemed to indicate that he did the right thing.) I *think* this was discussed here at TAM as well.

Anyway, I'm scrolling through my timeline and I see a notification that one of my former co-workers (this lady is a real sweetheart) commented on the story. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of this...

"I think he did the right thing. My first husband cheated on me, and it nearly broke me. What hurt worse, though, was learning that nearly everyone in our circle of both FAMILY AND FRIENDS knew that he was cheating and never said a damn thing to me. It's as if they all watched my house burn with me asleep inside and didn't even bother calling 911."


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JohnA said:


> First your "friend" goes. She is toxic. You can work with her but that's it.


No doubt. What a slore.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

JohnA said:


> First your "friend" goes. She is toxic. You can work with her but that's it.


*I wouldn't work on her a$$ with a 40 foot penile appendage, even if it were securely covered up by a 20 gauge Trojan, and me donning a germ proof suit!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

Tomara said:


> I feel morally it is my business when it's in my face. When it's happened to you it makes you see things differently. I think telling the pos to fess up to his wife is the best way to go.
> *
> I think telling him to confess to her, while better than doing nothing, could possibly not go as planned. Do you know his wife well? Cause if not, he'll likely paint you as a crazy liar and she'll likely believe him unless she already has suspicions about him cheating or you can send her undeniable proof.*





Tomara said:


> My job would not be in jeopardy and my father who is 75 could care less if he was let go. But I don't think he will have to worry as it is me doing the telling not him. Information is golden and she can or cannot use it if she so chooses. They have two grown sons and this would be devastating to them, this makes me think twice. My kids were young and it really hurt them with my situation.
> *
> You wouldn't be hurting his kids or his wife by revealing the truth, the damage is already done by his hand, they're just not aware of it yet. If a person has cancer is the doctor to blame for making them aware of it? There's nothing immoral about being the bearer of bad news, it's just an unpleasant spot to be in and sometimes people(in their shock/anger) tend to "shoot the messenger" as they say, so don't be surprised if the news is meant with anger. *





GusPolinski said:


> A while back there was a story circulating throughout Facebook about a woman that was texting her lover while seated next to her husband (or maybe boyfriend) at a baseball game, football game, or some other similar event. She was pregnant, presumably (wink wink) w/ her husband's baby.
> 
> So this guy sitting behind them saw her doing this, so he wrote out a note and handed it to the guy as they were leaving. The denizens of Facebook, as you might imagine, had a grand ol' time debating back and forth w/ respect to whether or not he should've gotten involved. (Most seemed to indicate that he did the right thing.) I *think* this was discussed here at TAM as well.


A similar scenario happened not to long ago, where two sisters were sitting behind a couple and saw the wife texting sexual messages to another guy and they told the husband as well.

LINK-
Man in baseball cheating pics reaches out to thank sisters | Daily Mail Online


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Kobold said:


> A similar scenario happened not to long ago, where two sisters were sitting behind a couple and saw the wife texting sexual messages to another guy and they told the husband as well.
> 
> LINK-
> Man in baseball cheating pics reaches out to thank sisters | Daily Mail Online


Yep, saw that one as well.

I believe it was also discussed here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm not generally the snitch type....don't like to get involved with other people's affairs...yet I am strongly the type who would *WANT TO KNOW*....even thank the person who told me the truth...

What is society coming to.... when we all just look the other way, feeling "Big deal , everyone cheats anyway!"... we should be repulsed.. outraged...want to see the Pr**k found out , exposed to the light ....to look upon the situation through the eyes of...."what if this was being done to us, under our noses".. and everyone fell silent ??

I would feel deeply betrayed by friends/ family members if they KNEW & said nothing to me.. it would be very hard to forgive that.

When you don't know someone personally.. it gets more complicated...if you don't know the mental state of the person, what they are capable of.. if they have someone they can lean on...they also may be aware they married a cheater. It's not so black & white to me.. I'd rather find a friend of that person, leak it to them...then they deliver the news - so they have some support. (if at all possible) 

Was reading that story > those 2 sisters putting this online.. that's going too far...I can see why the husband was upset -even if he appreciated their handing him this info...


----------



## londonguy (Dec 23, 2015)

She deserves to know but it can get complicated. Personally I'd only tell to a handful of friends if I heard they were being cheated but I wouldn't comment for anyone else.

Why? it can get way too complex and it may not be worth it given that at the end of the day it's not your responsibility. Examples:

The cheater may well end up saying (s)he's lying because she wants to tear us apart because of yada yada (this one is a true story actually).
The person you told the bad news may decide to shoot the messenger and resent you.
The cheated partner may not believe you, people sometimes believe what they want to believe, and wage a war against you
The cheater may start telling everybody that you spread lies.

Why take any of these risks if it's not your business? I'm happy to take a risk to help a close friend but not for someone I barely know.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Most definitely and ASAP - these POS's love to hide in the shadows. Shine a spotlight on it.


----------



## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

ohhhhh to tell or not to tell is such a tricky situation! sooo many angles.... 

I've known of others in the past and never told.... I know, so bad  but I've always felt like it wasn't my business. Which is weird bc if it were me, I would SO want to know! 

I wouldn't rely on the whole tell her to confess or you will.. she can always just lie and say she did and didn't. 

One time, just ONE TIME.. I was being a ***** and seeking revenge on an ex friend and I knew she was cheating on her husband... who also had cheater on her. She was putting him through the ringer with his affair and coming off like miss saint of the year. So I created a fake email account and emailed him and told all and then never looked back! 

If I were to ever tell (which in recent years I totally reconsider the telling on cheaters), I would do it anonymously...


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think that most people are too fearful of getting involved in any way although they are very grateful if someone tells them. So, you have this conflict - people would want to know if they are being cheated on, but don't want to get involved in other people's situations.

You don't sound fearful, however. This is good. The BW should know for all the reasons given here. I wouldn't confront him, though. He will spin things to warn her about you. Just let her know.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The truth always matters.


----------



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Spill the beans . The longer it goes on the deeper the wound.


----------



## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

I would want to know, I would tell. It may ruin a friendship, but what good is a dishonest scummy friend.


----------



## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I too vote to tell her, not least so she can protect herself from a life-altering or even life-threatening STDs (HPV, hep C, HIV,...)! 

If you want, you can send her an anonymous letter (typed out so she doesn't recognize your handwriting) via a letter post service that requires her personally to sign (so you'll know she got it and wasn't intercepted). In the letter, tell her to come here (if you choose this, ask the mods to delete this thread beforehand) or some other site for surviving infidelity, tell her to polygraph her husband to get the truth,..., and we/that site will help her further. If your "friend" confronts you, you can (if you want) deny deny deny.

But please, one way or the other, ensure that she gets a warning and advice where to get further advice. Her life/health is at serious risk with each day that passes (according to one DUtch and one US research from early 1990s, 70-75% cheating spouses don't use condoms when cheating...). 

Best wishes!


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

So you hate this guy and want to tell his wife about Affair but you are sticking together with your "FRIEND".

Here is what yo should do. It is simple :

1. tell the wife

2.get rid of this "friend"


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

This stuff drives me nuts!....YOU TELL HER BECAUSE ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!

To me....the people with the "Its none of my business, I don't want to get involved" are no different than the people who will just walk on by a girl being raped by someone on the street and say to them selves its not my business and not get involved.

NO...NO.... NO You stop the injustice being done. That's part of the reason the world is going to **** is because people will not take a stand and say enough!!

And those who will not tell the other BS.

I do not see them as much better than their own WS as they are colluding with the WS's to keep it hidden from the OBS. So I have little empathy for those not willing to help OBS.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you go up to obese people and tell them to lose weight?

Do you go up to people you know who have debt and tell them to start being financially responsible?

Do you go up to smokers and tell them to quit?

Where are the limits?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

jld said:


> Do you go up to obese people and tell them to lose weight?
> 
> Do you go up to people you know who have debt and tell them to start being financially responsible?
> 
> ...


You make an interesting point, but I think the difference is, everyone who smokes knows, for the most part, of the health hazards, everyone who's obese knows they have a problem. Not everyone being cheated on knows they are being cheated on and so they aren't making informed decisions about their willingness to be with the person they're with.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jld said:


> Do you go up to obese people and tell them to lose weight?
> 
> Do you go up to people you know who have debt and tell them to start being financially responsible?
> 
> ...


What someone does to themselves is their own issue. If someone wants to eat arsnic laced brownies they need psych help but its on them, but if they are feeding it to their spouse and i know what they are doing....it is my business! I'm gonna bust their Azz because its the right thing to do!


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

jld said:


> Do you go up to obese people and tell them to lose weight?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



These are choices these people are making themselves. Another poster said I hate the pos man... No I hate what he is doing to his family. 

I agree 100% to stay away from the woman that makes a practice of getting beyond drunk 5 out of 7 days a week and sleeps with anything. I do have to work with her but that's it. God you would think she would do this since her ex cheated on her. No way to fix trash I guess.

I will have to do this anonymously and pray that I am doing what is best.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> This stuff drives me nuts!....YOU TELL HER BECAUSE ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!


The way I see it, is is none of your business.

I do not want big government to mess with my life and I certainly do not want my big brother neighbors to mess with it either. As citizens, we are free to educate our kids the way we want, to eat what we want and to screw who we want.

If you feel I harm my kids by educating them at home and let them play all day long, do you report me to the authorities? Messing with kids future is far more damaging than catching some hypothetical STDs with some affair partner.

While I find an affair despicable, I value everyone's privacy far more.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Do you go up to obese people and tell them to lose weight?
> 
> Do you go up to people you know who have debt and tell them to start being financially responsible?
> 
> ...


This is dumb.

Obese people KNOW that they're overweight.

Out-of-control spenders KNOW why they have mountains of debt and no money.

Smokers KNOW why they're coughing, hacking, and can't walk up a flight of stairs w/o getting winded.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Duguesclin said:


> The way I see it, is is none of your business.
> 
> I do not want big government to mess with my life and I certainly do not want my big brother neighbors to mess with it either. As citizens, we are free to educate our kids the way we want, to eat what we want and to screw who we want.
> 
> ...


Yet another analogy that falls far short of making any sense, again brought to you by jldug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> This is dumb.
> 
> Obese people KNOW that they're overweight.
> 
> ...


What if you found someone who said it wasn't until some guy at the mall went up to them and told them that it hit them?

I think getting too far into other people's business is risky. You really have to care to do that.


----------



## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Yet another analogy that falls far short of making any sense, again brought to you by jldug.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does not make any sense?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"Your husband is a cheating man-ho slag. Any questions?"


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I would not tell. Someone with the morals that would allow them to cheat also has the morals to allow them to spread a false rumor to break up a marriage.

Also, I assume she told you in confidence, an except in the case of life threatening situations, I consider a confidence to be absolute.


----------



## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I would tell. I wish someone would have told me what was going on. I mean I knew some but not everything.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I would not tell. Someone with the morals that would allow them to cheat also has the morals to allow them to spread a false rumor to break up a marriage.
> 
> Also, *I assume she told you in confidence, an except in the case of life threatening situations, I consider a confidence to be absolute.*



in confidence, schmofidence. 

I've gotten over that one. I used to tell people things in confidence thinking that I could trust them ... how wrong I was. Now, the only thing that i share with other people is what I want to get around.


I betcha this homewrecker hasn't kept too many confidences herself........ like the one about her screwing someone else's husband.

Most men who do not want to leave their wives try to find affair partners who are discrete. This one apparently was not.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Blacksmith01 said:


> I would tell. I wish someone would have told me what was going on. I mean I knew some but not everything.


I feel as if hints were being dropped both by my exH and a mutual friend of ours. But i hindsight, that was an exit affair. Of course, he wanted me to pick up on it.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> 
> I would not tell. Someone with the morals that would allow them to cheat also has the morals to allow them to spread a false rumor to break up a marriage.
> 
> ...




Richard,

Telling everyone in the office and bragging is not being told in confidence! It makes me sick to my stomach.

At the time she took him home she didn't know he was married until the next morning. She said his name and i knew automatically.

She needs to stay off the booze and men so she doesn't hurt someone 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Do you go up to obese people and tell them to lose weight?
> 
> Do you go up to people you know who have debt and tell them to start being financially responsible?
> 
> ...


Huh. I thought I was advocating for that very thing in other discussions we had and I was told that the truth matters more than feelings.

Why is this different?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I would not tell. Someone with the morals that would allow them to cheat also has the morals to allow them to spread a false rumor to break up a marriage.


Uhhh... yeah. Sure.



richardsharpe said:


> Also, I assume she told you in confidence, an *except in the case of life threatening situations*, I consider a confidence to be absolute.


You know what STDs are, right?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Duguesclin said:


> What does not make any sense?


Precisely nothing in your attempt to draw a parallel between Big Brother mandating how people should educate and feed their children and a 3rd party revealing an infidelity to a betrayed spouse made any sense whatsoever.


----------



## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

Around Thanksgiving a friend and I were searching for a place to eat some lunch. While doing so we spotted a mutual friend's wife stepping into a rather expensive Italian restaurant with another man. Normally, this would only be slightly alarming, but knowing this couple's history gave us reason to look further into this. We knew that this couple had been having more than their fair share of problems, mostly caused by our friend's inability to be a decent husband, and that this particular wife had been having what she claimed was only an EA back in the late summer. My lunch partner, also a detective for his police department, and I decided to do some good ol' fashioned staking out. Long story short, we gathered evidence, presented it to our friend with a huge reluctance, and let the chips fall. Turns out she was having lunch with the very guy she said she had cut off contact with many months ago. Now they're splitting at the start of this next year.

Do I/we feel we did something invasive, immoral, or wrong? No. Quite the contrary. We felt an obligation. Not our obligation to a friend, for we would have done the same were the roles reversed, but to just do the right thing when we see somebody being mistreated. Just because the mistreatment is behind their back doesn't mean that they don't have a right to know, or that I don't have a moral obligation to at least inform the victim of wrongdoing. Further, we both believed our friend had made a mess of his marriage, but that didn't mean that what she was doing was right or something he deserved.

My answer: Yes, you tell. Yes, you get involved, even if only to pass on information. To do otherwise is to allow evil to continue, and we all know what "they" say about good men and evil?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Huh. I thought I was advocating for that very thing in other discussions we had and I was told that the truth matters more than feelings.
> 
> Why is this different?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I do think the truth helps us the most. The truth truly can set us free, if we can face it. One of the most harmful things we can do is to lie to ourselves. 

But we usually have to be ready to hear truth for it to be most effective. If it just feels like harassment, it is unlikely to be productive. It may just create a bigger wall and build resentment.

The question is where are the limits. Should privacy even exist?

If you want to get involved in a case like this, rather than outing the person, you would probably be better off trying to build a relationship with them. Why is the person cheating? What needs are not being met? Is the relationship no longer fulfilling, with little likelihood of repair? 

Urge the person to be truthful with their spouse. But let it come, if at all possible, from them. The most growth occurs from actions motivated by our own heart, not those imposed on us by others.

And ask yourself what your motives are. Genuinely caring about the welfare of the two people involved feels different than defending a belief in the importance of outing cheaters at all costs. It also requires a lot more emotional investment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Precisely nothing in your attempt to draw a parallel between Big Brother mandating how people should educate and feed their children and a 3rd party revealing an infidelity to a betrayed spouse made any sense whatsoever.


How does it not make sense?

I am sure that third party feels he knows best for everyone involved. I am sure he feels quite self-righteous about the whole thing. Do you not feel that way about advocates of gun control?

To stay on the subject . . . Do you think people will not come to the truth without its being imposed on them? How much freedom should we be allowed? Should we be allowed to make what other people consider mistakes? Who gets to decide?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Would you let a child do harm to themselves even if it's not your own? You tell the parents and let them take the action they see fit. It's the same way with cheating. This guys wife may already know what is going on in her back yard or maybe she doesn't and needs to be enlightened to the harm that her husband is causing. Either way this whole situation stinks!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

I wish that I had been told by someone back when my H was cheating. I don't know if it would have made a difference as far as my decision to stay in the marriage, but at least I would have understood his behavior. He was cold and distant and dismissive of me and, at the time, I didn't really understand why. He made me feel like I was being overly sensitive, so I tried not to think about it too much. Ironically, it was his treatment of me that killed my love for him more than the cheating. Knowing would have helped me realize that I wasn't crazy, but I was too innocent back then to even consider the possibility.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Many times this has been debated here, and the last time I posted on the thread rather rudely. We all have an opinion of what should or should not be done. There was even a thread where infidelity was going to be considered the norm as people see it as less harmful/important. It's not what I believe in that matters, or what I consider right or wrong, people believe and live their life the way they see best. Pushing my beliefs on others is wrong, what makes me happy may not make them happy. 

With that being said I consider lying and deception to be wrong, maybe most of you do also. Now gun control was brought up in a post above, and I brought up where infidelity will be the norm as stated in another thread, advocates are needed for both. Just like in infidelity, it takes two to cheat, and just like with guns it takes two to kill. It doesn't take two people but the gun needs someone to pull the trigger. In order for a gun to kill it needs a second party to pull the trigger, it doesn't kill on its own, and infidelity is not caused by one. 

Now to get back on topic, I believe the betrayed spouse has the right to know. It is not in my nature to stand by while someone wrongs another. Some people don't feel that way, therefore they don't step in to end that wrong. I have stepped in on many occasions, risking harm to myself, to end a wrong. In one example we went bowling with friends, four lanes down a man began to beat his wife. He picked her up and slammed her not he ground, then stood over her punching her repeatedly. In my efforts to get to them nobody came to her aid. From four lanes down I was the first to confront. Was this my business? Should I have stepped in? My answer, yes. The following morning I woke up and looked into the mirror, as I looked at myself I was content with my actions. I have no guilt over the fact this guy walked into a bowling alley and left on a stretcher.

You do what is right, and that is to tell. The betrayed spouse is being wronged, has the right to know, and should be informed. In my opinion doing nothing is wrong, doing nothing is a silent advocate FOR infidelity. As for the it's none of your business argument, it is, or you are silently colluding that infidelity is acceptable. 

Some may say neither took a vow to you, why tell? My wife's OM did not take a vow to me either, but he is the other party that helped to destroy my marriage. So OM holds responsibility to me, as does my wife, responsibility that his and her actions destroyed a marriage. They are equally responsible, and equally they both destroyed each other's marriages. 

If it were me that had this information, I would tell face to face. Anonymously informing a betrayed spouse leaves too much room for gas lighting. Too much skepticism that somebody is out to ruin someone. If you can't do face to face then call the betrayed spouse, in your case I would call while at work. Sitting at your desk, on your cell phone looking at the female who cheated and informing her husband. Letting him know that if he has any questions, to call you while confronting her so you can give him more details. But that's me, I have no problem being an advocate to those being wronged. I hope you tell soon, he deserves to live his life in truth and not deception.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

do onto others as you would have others do on to you.

if your spouse was cheating would you want someone to tell you?


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

One issue is sometimes that the betrayed spouse has suspected for years or decades that something was wrong, but nobody had to guts or the kindness to tell them. 

Another issue is that cheaters will just continue to cheat the problem will not get better on it's own.

Tamat


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> Do you go up to obese people and tell them to lose weight?
> 
> Do you go up to people you know who have debt and tell them to start being financially responsible?
> 
> ...


Smoking and being fat does not risk spreading STDs and HIV to innocent third parties.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tomara said:


> I feel morally it is my business when it's in my face. When it's happened to you it makes you see things differently. I think telling the pos to fess up to his wife is the best way to go.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Inform the betrayed wife. Don't alert the moron.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Unless your friend lied about having sex? 

She is crazy so anything is possible.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If this wasn't a sad situation this thread would be hilarious. Two people need to reread 1984. You telling me your personal secret is not a removal of your freedoms nor an invasion of privacy. Me telling someone else about your secret is not Big Brother in your house. As my parents and grandparents used to say, long before 1984 became a reality, keep your business out of the street. 
She keeps her mouth shut, this specific thread and the problems within would not exist.


----------



## star2916 (May 21, 2013)

I think you should tell if you know the wife. If you don't know the people that well, I still think we shall tell, but maybe ANONYMOUS>


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Hell yes expose it. My wife's coworkers knew and no one told me.


----------



## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

They could have an "agreement". There is a possibility she knows already. Do a little more research if you can and find out.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

D1C said:


> *They could have an "agreement". There is a possibility she knows already.* Do a little more research if you can and find out.


If that's the case then there's no harm in exposing.


----------



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

If I may: I am 5' 7" and at one time weighed 350lb. People would tell me all the time to lose weight. Some because they were my friends and wanted me to have a long life, some because they saw potential in me that was over looked because of my size and family members because they loved me. I would view this situation in a similar way. If you have any regard for the betrayed spouse, if only because they are the victims of cheaters, you should find a way to tell them. I would have appreciated knowing.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

D1C said:


> They could have an "agreement". There is a possibility she knows already. Do a little more research if you can and find out.


I've known people that have tried to tell themselves this and it ended up not being the case. Its like people don't want to believe that someone can be an a-hole or something. I mean really, how many people do you know IRL have an "agreement". I'm thinking not many, probably zero.

When I told my husband and BIL that BIL should call the OM's wife, they both looked at me like I was crazy. First they said the OM's marriage was none of their business and the second was, "maybe they have an arrangement". A year later BIL is contacted by the OM's wife to compare stories. He told me later that he should've taken my advice at the very beginning.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I've known people that have tried to tell themselves this and it ended up not being the case. Its like people don't want to believe that someone can be an a-hole or something. I mean really, how many people do you know IRL have an "agreement". I'm thinking not many, probably zero.
> 
> When I told my husband and BIL that BIL should call the OM's wife, they both looked at me like I was crazy. First they said the OM's marriage was none of their business and the second was, "maybe they have an arrangement". A year later BIL is contacted by the OM's wife to compare stories. He told me later that he should've taken my advice at the very beginning.


I can understand that when it is his own wife involved.

Soccermom, would you seek to find out who a co-worker is having an affair with, and then tell their spouse?

From her opening post: "I finally got the guy's name out of her."


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

From the opening post.


Tomara said:


> She was bragging about it the next day at work.


Being caught must not be too important.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> From the opening post.
> 
> Being caught must not be too important.


Inconvenient truth...

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

jld said:


> I can understand that when it is his own wife involved.
> 
> Soccermom, would you seek to find out who a co-worker is having an affair with, and then tell their spouse?
> 
> From her opening post: "I finally got the guy's name out of her."


I'm very conflicted. I just keep going back to me wanting to know myself and how could people that know me personally look me in eye and act like everything's great when they know my husband is cheating on me. This happened with my mom and it totally devastated her. It also happening with my BIL with SIL coworkers. They came to his house, drank his beer and ate his food, all while knowing the SIL and OM had a thing going.

but

I have a widowed friend that had an affair with a married man. I don't know this man personally, only that it was an old high school friend that she re-connected on FB. I guess I could've done some FB sleuthing and found out who he was then found his wife but it never occurred to me. Maybe because it was far removed from me. Two other friends and I did talk to her about stopping the affair. It did end up later that the wife became suspicious but my friend broke it off before any **** hit the fan.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm very conflicted. I just keep going back to me wanting to know myself and how could people that know me personally look me in eye and act like everything's great when they know my husband is cheating on me. This happened with my mom and it totally devastated her. It also happening with my BIL with SIL coworkers. They came to his house, drank his beer and ate his food, all while knowing the SIL and OM had a thing going.
> 
> but
> 
> I have a widowed friend that had an affair with a married man. I don't know this man personally, only that it was an old high school friend that she re-connected on FB. I guess I could've done some FB sleuthing and found out who he was then found his wife but it never occurred to me. Maybe because it was far removed from me. Two other friends and I did talk to her about stopping the affair. It did end up later that the wife became suspicious but my friend broke it off before any **** hit the fan.


Thank you for your response, soccermom.

I guess I am wondering where the limits are on all this.

If I were ready to get involved with the couple, and help them repair any damage from the affair, then maybe I have the right to do the sleuthing and informing.

But just deciding to make myself the morality police?

Somehow that just seems overreaching to me.



I will share something here. A decade or so ago I knew a woman from my daughter's ballet school who was apparently in an affair, unknown to me. She seemed very nice and I enjoyed talking with her.

A few years later, when we were living in India, she wrote to me and told me about the affair, and how the man had finally left his wife for her.

I could not write back.

I am not sure what that says about me.

Ultimately I am just not sure what other people do in their private lives is any of my business. Maybe that's just me.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

It isn't private if you know about it.

Character takes courage.

People of character will always do the right thing. It takes
courage to do the right thing when it isn't popular. 

It's always so easy to look the other way, isn't it.


----------

