# The usual answer to the usual post



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

All the "not getting any" threads seem to get the "Go to a sex therapist" answer...I have serious doubts about their efficacy, and it prompts me to ask this question...

*Has anyone gone to any kind of sex therapist that actually got positive results?*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Wait just a minute @Woodchuck ... you mean to tell me that you have not been acting as my sex therapist during all our posts back and forth?

Ok this is starting to make more sense now!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'm kind of curious about this myself. I've never known anyone to admit to having been to a sex therapist, so I know next to nothing about them other than they are people who specialize in sexual dysfunction.

I'd guess sex therapists are like any other therapists. Some are amazing and others shouldn't be allowed to counsel depressed Parrots. If I were looking for a sex therapist, I think I'd make up a list of things I think are important and do a basic interview. If the therapist is "out there", I'd keep looking. If the therapist seemed knowledgeable, competent, fair, etc. I'd probably make an appointment.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Wait just a minute @Woodchuck ... you mean to tell me that you have not been acting as my sex therapist during all our posts back and forth?
> 
> Ok this is starting to make more sense now!


Well, are you getting LAID.....If so, please remit payment..


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> All the "not getting any" threads seem to get the "Go to a sex therapist" answer...I have serious doubts about their efficacy, and it prompts me to ask this question...
> 
> *Has anyone gone to any kind of sex therapist that actually got positive results?*


Yes a sex therapist helped save my marriage. The one we had was both a national recognized marriage counselor and a sex therapist. I was in a SSM.

One of the benefits I had, was that I had read just about every relationship book out there, Glover, NMMNG; MWDavis, SSM; Sue Johnson Hold Me Tight; Chapman 5 LL, Schnarch PM and Crucible, etc. that allowed our sessions to be really focused and less educational for me. There was a lot of homework reading for my wife.

Part of where the ST really earned her money in my situation was when my wife either didn't want to do her homework or when my wife didn't want to face reality. The ST told me to butt out of trying to make my wife do her homework, that my wife needed to want to do it or face the consequences of her actions, i.e probably divorce because of what she chose to do or not do. The ST would also hold my and my wife's feet to the fire on not avoiding the obvious consequences of our actions. This allowed me to be the good supporting husband (cop) to the ST's bad cop routine.

So yes it was expensive, but far cheaper than hiring two divorce attorneys. The ST was a change agent that expedited the changes needed to save my sex starved marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm kind of curious about this myself. I've never known anyone to admit to having been to a sex therapist, so I know next to nothing about them other than they are people who specialize in sexual dysfunction.
> 
> I'd guess sex therapists are like any other therapists. Some are amazing and others shouldn't be allowed to counsel depressed Parrots. If I were looking for a sex therapist, I think I'd make up a list of things I think are important and do a basic interview. If the therapist is "out there", I'd keep looking. If the therapist seemed knowledgeable, competent, fair, etc. I'd probably make an appointment.



A certified sex therapist is a well trained marriage counselor with additional training in a broad field of sexual problems. The key is to find one that has a style and area of experience for your particular problem. 

My rather typical SSM was with a nice catholic girls school raised wife with inhibitions and self-image issues and well as rightful anger toward me was a fairly simple problem for our ST. There are good therapists out ther and not so good ones.

A good ST will be an excellent marriage counsel who also can provide you with insights on sexual dysfunction, incompatibility, etc. and provide you with needed educational materials so that you and your spouse can change behavior patterns that you have programmed into your relationship for years. Educational things our ST provided us were instructions on how to do sensate focus exercises so we could touch and relax around each other. Some instructional sex video's so we could watch, talk about together in the privacy of our home, and then see what we might be willing to try, some reading materials on what the sexual component of a good marriage might look like, why humor in sex was important, etc.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> A certified sex therapist is a well trained marriage counselor with additional training in a broad field of sexual problems. The key is to find one that has a style and area of experience for your particular problem.
> 
> My rather typical SSM was with a nice catholic girls school raised wife with inhibitions and self-image issues and well as rightful anger toward me was a fairly simple problem for our ST. There are good therapists out ther and not so good ones.
> 
> A good ST will be an excellent marriage counsel who also can provide you with insights on sexual dysfunction, incompatibility, etc. and provide you with needed educational materials so that you and your spouse can change behavior patterns that you have programmed into your relationship for years. Educational things our ST provided us were instructions on how to do sensate focus exercises so we could touch and relax around each other. Some instructional sex video's so we could watch, talk about together in the privacy of our home, and then see what we might be willing to try, some reading materials on what the sexual component of a good marriage might look like, why humor in sex was important, etc.


Thanks!

DH and I have been married for nearly 13 years. Next month will be our anniversary. Together for nearly 16 years as a couple. I'm sure at some point or another we've gotten into some behavior patterns or habits, but we aren't having any issues. Regular sex at least 2-3 times a week and it's great. Everything from lazy and loving to porn star.

That said, I'd be interested in any materials you've read online. I believe in preventative maintenance! :grin2:


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Personal said:


> As to sex therapists, I like what MJJEAN and *Young at Heat* have to say about this.


I would *think so*! :grin2:


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Personal said:


> It is misnomer to think that marriage in itself sees an end to sex or seriously curtails it.
> 
> For example; Since Saturday through to this Thursday morning I (44) have had sex with my wife (45) on 5 occasions, plus it is also highly likely (as we have already discussed) we shall be having sex again tonight. While it is also likely (as is usual for us) we will have sex together everyday from Friday through Sunday.
> 
> ...


Sex ending with marriage...No way....During one 7 year stretch, I worked 2nd. shift. I came in at midnight, we might have sex...When I woke up in the morning, the kids were in school, and the wife was back in bed...We would have sex 2-3 times before I had to shower, and get to work...We had been married about 6 years at this time, and had enjoyed an active sex life in those previous 6 years. Married 50 years, next Feb...Have not had sex in almost a week...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> ...I believe in preventative maintenance! :grin2:


I like your approach!

Preventive maintenance is better, but sometimes a radical intervention is required. A good ST can help with both. 

One of the things I have learned is the men and women's sexuality changes over time. An ST can help us adjust to such changes, if we can't do it ourselves or if the logical adjustment crosses some internal boundary.

For example, almost all men if they live long enough will suffer some form of prostate cancer. It might not be fatal and it might not require surgery, but it might require some radical medical interaction. If it does, there can be a loss of sexual function. Similarly, there are lots of standard medications and diseases, that can have ED as a side effect for men. Also men loose about 1% testosterone per year after a certain age. That means that at some point if you (or I) am lucky enough to live a long life with our spouse, your sex life with change from typical PIV to maybe something else.

Women also change as they age and something might no longer work. If one has a limited set of positions and some hang-ups in regards to non PIV sex, then there will be some stressful adjustment at some point. If this happens then an ST might be very helpful.

Rather than high jack this thread, why don't you post a question and get other's input as well.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> I like your approach!
> 
> Preventive maintenance is better, but sometimes a radical intervention is required. A good ST can help with both.
> 
> ...


Women usually drop off in their frequency by age 60...I will be 69 next week. Daily sex would not be an issue, even twice daily....In fact, I am capable of 0 to orgasm in under 10 minutes, or can go an hour, depending on circumstances...I don't think I have lost any of my ability to perform in the last 30 years....


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> Women usually drop off in their frequency by age 60...I will be 69 next week. Daily sex would not be an issue, even twice daily....In fact, I am capable of 0 to orgasm in under 10 minutes, or can go an hour, depending on circumstances...I don't think I have lost any of my ability to perform in the last 30 years....


maybe you should change your handle to WOOD****!>


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> maybe you should change your handle to WOOD****!>


Woodchuck is a tip of the hat to our getting married on Groundhog day....And that when I lived in Illinois, I was a prolific shooter of said woodchucks...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Woodchuck is a tip of the hat to our getting married on Groundhog day....And that when I lived in Illinois, I was a prolific shooter of said woodchucks... is fun stuff. whats your farthest shot?


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