# BPD, HCP or Hormones?



## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

Has anybody had experience with a partner or ex- with borderline personality disorder (BPD), a high conflict personality (HCP) or just really hormonal? I'm looking for real world examples of each.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I was diagnosed with BPD about 6 years ago. What do you want to know?
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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

What are the symptoms, how does a person act when they're BPD, etc?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Intense anger, depression, anxiety...these can last for hours and can switch from one to another in minutes. Unstable relationships. I treated my SO horribly for years. He said it wasn't a matter of if I was p*ssed but, a matter of how p*ssed was I. I belittled and demeaned him all the time due to my own lack of self esteem. I would take the weight of the world on my shoulders and then complain when noone would help me, then again, if they did, they were doing it wrong. There was no way to win. There is a really good book that has case studies and ways to help deal with BPD called I Hate You Don't Leave Me. Here is a link with some helpful info too...NIMH · Borderline Personality Disorder


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

There is a forum for this disorder where you might get more answers
bpdfamily.com


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

Has anybody had a spouse with this disorder and how have you dealt with it?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Hmmmm...I'm most likely a wee bit of all three 

My husband dealt with it by buying a book for himself by mistake and giving it to me. We had a really good laugh and then I cut his balls off (no not really but I thought about it).


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't think of borderline as a disorder. It's a pathology and one of the most dangerous and destructive there is.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Interesting....
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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

My daughters mother has it; it made significant portions of my life a living hell, and was the largest single determinate in why I didn't marry her despite intense family, religious, and other social pressures to do so. 

There is such an amazing insecurity to BPD that defies normal reason, any attempts at logic to counter, and often leads to a cycle of devaluation/pedestaling that switches seemingly randomly. Its really about the thoughts rattling in their head at the time rather than anything you said, or did. 

The good side...They can be great in bed, incredibly attentive, and in the white mode some of the kindest people you will ever meet who will do *anything* for you...


The bad side, they can turn on a dime into a smothering, needy, controlling, angry outbursting, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive, alcoholic/drug seeking, passive/aggressive, miserable to be around, and make your life a living hell jail sentence. All of those seemingly good traits can also turn off on a dime if & when they find another potential significant object of affection/attention. 

You walk in the door & you never know what you are going to get. You back down from an argument where they are clearly off their rocker because you just don't want to deal with it that night, and suddenly they think "You don't love them" ...simply because you wouldn't engage for 3 hours in a needless fight, that wouldn't have any meaningful outcome other the possibility of angry sex later. 

BPD's thrive on intensity, and really feel starved of everything when they don't have it. If you refuse to react to it, on the whole, they just can't deal with it. Its like death to them, and often the behavior escalates. This is why so many of them get into the high conflict mode of doing business. "If you are mad enough to fight, you really love me". 

Take everything that has ever been said bad about nice guys, and multiply it by 22...You have life with a BPD ...if you are lucky the nice mode lasts a long time between episodes, if you aren't, you get the other mode for prolonged periods of time, alternating with the bits of intense insecurity where they often run to repair things, and/or seek your affection & approval madly (should you fail to live up to some unwritten & often unspoken rule for what it is they need at that time you can either get off the handle jealousy, paranoia, devaluation [of you], suicide attempts/threats, and threats [usually meaningless] to leave the relationship, and/or punish you endlessly [take those seriously, any love they feel now can turn to stone cold hatred for years, and coparenting with a BPD with knowledge of the legal system is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy]...). 

The sad thing is, to a large degree they can only minimally control it. Until they get some help to stop the pattern at the thought level, it is unlikely to improve. Their own insecurities will likely keep them from sharing things in a rational way that could actually help to improve things, or give them the things that they need to stay in that white mode. In the dark mode it largely doesn't matter, they wont be receptive to it until the storm passes, and that can take awhile. 

I kind of liken it to epilepsy of the emotions. Sometimes they just have an emotional/thought seizure, they develop amnesia to the good things that have happened recently, and go emotionally wonky for awhile. They probably really do love you, as much as they understand love, but it doesn't make any of this any easier to cope with.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

SoCalKat said:


> Has anybody had a spouse with this disorder and how have you dealt with it?


I am 100% convinced that my husband has BPD. I have spent months on the forums at bpdfamily.com and I am still amazed at how much my life with my husband mirrors so many others' lives with diagnosed and just suspected people with BPD. 

The core if the illness is self hatred and fear of abandonment. The biggest symptom tends to be lashing out ("rages"), usually at the person closest to the person with BPD during episodes of emotional dysregulation during which the person is trying so hard to unload the overwhelmingly painful emotions onto others. I could go on and on...but not sure what more you'd like to know. I'm not an expert, but I have put hundreds of hours into research and think I know a lot about BPD. Feel free to pm me if you like.

In my months of research, I have learned a lot. The hardest part for me to wrap my head around (but the most important) was to learn new ways of communicating with my husband to help him feel validated. Sounds simple, but it was a hard lesson for me. I have also realized the importance of boundaries. Boundaries are ways for me to control what I will and will not put up with NOT a way to control my husband. For example...I now have a boundary that I will not stick around to be subjected to my husband's rages (or dysregulation). I keep a bag packed in the car in case I need to leave the house for a few days. I am working on other boundaries as I think I haven't been very good at this and have wound up somewhat co dependent as my husband's illness has gotten worse.


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