# Wife or brother? Who should come first?



## mygirls2 (Apr 13, 2010)

I have been married a little over 2 years now. My husband and I are both in our early 20's and we have two young children. All was well before me got married, but since we have been married he is constantly doing things that hurt me and I've confronted him, but it's as though it does not matter.

He has done things like: messaging past girlfriends, going to bars, getting on multiple adult dating sites, and to top it off he would rather go to his brother's house and stay the night there then with his family?

Are married men suppose to do all of this? I am so committed that it makes me appalled to even be married to someone who has me and our two kids so low on his list. I feel as though he comes whenever he wants something or whenever his brother is busy.

Someone please help. I am not sure if this is what marriage is supposed to be like. We both have given up a lot to raise kids and to become a family, however...it was a mutual decision...why am I the one stuck feeling hurt all of the time?


----------



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Honey, this is not normal behavior for a married man. It doesn't sound like he's putting his brother first as much as he's putting you last. Don't put up with this type of disrespect. I don't know if you have any relatives or friends you can go to, but if you can, pack up the kids and move. Let him know why and what your needs and expectations are. If he can't or refuses to understand this, you might be better off moving on.


----------



## mygirls2 (Apr 13, 2010)

cantletgo,
your name says it all for me. I have talked to my mother about the situation, but unfortunately when she was upset she cheated to get out of the marriage..so it's tough to really rely on my family. I think a lot of the reasons I am still married to him is because I am afraid to be alone and to do it on my own. I have never supported myself for very long and although I absolutely love my children with everything I have and would do anything for them..it terrifies me to do it all alone right now. 

He helps some whenever he finds the time to be with us, but mainly he pays the bills (barely). I am almost finished with my schooling and I just want to have some support system below me before I take a huge leap into single motherhood if that's what I end up deciding to do. I love him, but because he does all of these things to constantly hurt me it pushes me away and I fear that we will never be happy...Do you think there is any way other than leaving to get his attention and for him to realize that I have needs as well? It's not that I want him to give up his life completely...I just feel as though I have given up mine to start a new one with him and our two children..why can't he do the same?


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I just have a couple of things to say to you. First, find your strength. Decide what you are willing to live with and what you are not willing to live with.

Let me also tell you that I understand how you are feeling. When I married my husband (my second marriage), he did a lot of the same things. He was in his 20'S when we got together. It was like it was great when we first got together, and as soon as we got married, it all changed. I felt like he viewed me as the enemy who was trying to take away his freedom. The first year of marriage was hell.

I think some men, maybe it's the age, kind of get shell shocked. They look at their lives and think "I'm married with kids, my sense of self and independance is gone". So they fight to hang on to that. All of a sudden, common courtesy and respect that they used to show you is gone. They view it as a job now, like they don't have a choice any more.

My advice is sit down and talk to him about it. Don't argue, or point fingers. Just tell him how you're feeling, and that you are not the enemy....you're his partner.

It's really all up to you at this point. You need to decide if you're done, or if you want this to work. Ultimatums are never good, but he has a choice on how he wants to behave, and you have a choice on what you're willing to live with.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Get some backbone and next time he goes to brother's for the night, tell him to stay there.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree.

It's possible he's just too young to be married. Men mature much later than women, and early 20s is simply too early for many men to be ready to give up 'fun.'


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

He is not choosing your brother over you. He is just avoiding you.


----------

