# Husband in love with sister



## sadcat (Aug 23, 2010)

Hi All,

I am very upset and confused at the moment and would like some advice. My husband and I have been happily married for 4 years and have a 6 month old daughter. Recently, my younger sister moved in with us while searching for a job.

My husband and my sister seemed to be getting on extremely well and had many things in common, which made me very happy. However, recently, I have started to notice that my husband is paying more and more attention to my sister. When we have a chat, he would only look at her and tend to ignore what I have to say. He is very attentive of her, forcing her to take breakfast, giving her vitamin pills and he seems to be anticipating her every needs. While my daughter and I pretty much look after ourselves.

Also, at the end of the day, I am usually exhausted and ask my husband to go to bed early with me but he always makes excuses and stays out in the living room with my sister to chat/watch TV. 

I think my husband is falling for my sister. Am I being paranoid? What should I do? I don't want to cause unnecessary awkwardness if this turns out to be just my imagination. Any advice is very much appreciated.


----------



## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

No your husband not falling for your sister, he just found a good friend from the family that like to hangout and talk to.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've got friends but I don't feed them vitamins or consistently let my wife go to bed alone so I can hang out with them. Does he feed you vitamins and breakfast, too? Could be nothing but could be a problem waiting to happen, especially if you guys are having problems. This is going to sound really crude and I'm sure I'll offend someone but I've been a guy 49 years and worked in predominantly male occupations all my life. Guys have two piles in which they mentally put women. There's the "I'd do her" pile and the "No way" pile. Doesn't mean they'd actually ever act on it but guys do view women this way. Chances are, your younger sister isn't hideous and she probably shares some of your mannerisms. He fell for you, so it's entirely possible that he finds your sister attractive and interesting as well. All adultary begins with mental fantasies so it'd probably be a great idea for sis to find a job soon or for you to make an effort to stay up a little longer. Probably neither has done anything wrong and probably neither will but people are human. I don't know your husband. It is possible that he's a saint and just trying to make your sister feel welcome in your home and he'd do the same for your brother, uncle, or aunt cause he loves you. I haven't met many saints but you could have one.


----------



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Trust me, the ground work had been lain, and even if it is still innocent now...it could very very easily turn from night to day at the drop of a hat. That's how it happened with my wife. Just friends, then pow!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Maybe you should take your sister aside and ask her to not be as available to him as she has been.

And separately, take your husband aside and tell him to not be as available to her. 


Use the argument that the idea is to make her welcome, but not too welcome since "we" all want her to move out soon. 

If she is too comfortable, the end date stretches out longer.

Do not even take the jealous sister/wife angle with either of them.

That will be met with denial and false "outrage"--especially if there is anything to it.


----------



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

michzz said:


> Maybe you should take your sister aside and ask her to not be as available to him as she has been.
> 
> And separately, take your husband aside and tell him to not be as available to her.
> 
> ...


Hmm, this IS a tricky one. Being jealous about it could trigger them to go behind our back with the innocent things JUST so you won't get upset. Then, once again, once they are doing innocent things in secret there is no stop to temptation coming in and then it will go further. Again, another thing I experienced with my wife.


----------



## puffs31 (Aug 12, 2010)

There is NO way your husband should be paying more attention to your sister than you and your child. Do you trust your sister, how about your husband? Have you talked to him about this, what does he say?
I'd keep an eye on it and if he says hes falling for her, get him out of the house. If they both say they are falling for eachother, get them both out of the house. You shouldn't have to feel like something is going on between them. Trust your instincts and take care of yourself first.
Keep us posted.


----------



## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Your sister needed to move out yesterday (((HUGS)))


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree, your sister needs to move out. This is not going to end well if she stays.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

From the information you provided so far, I too feel that your sister needs to move out ASAP. 

I don't think you are being paranoid. However I do have few questions that might help better understand your situation.

- Your husband is paying too much attention to your sister and ignoring you and the child. How about your sister? Is she being receptive of the attention? What do you think her position is in all this?
- Is there any flirting?
- Does your sister have a BF? 
- Has your husband ever cheated on you in the past? or flirted or done something similar with any other woman?
- Is this your real sister, or is she a cousin etc?
- How has your sister's character been in general? Is she a good sister who respects you, or has she been jealous of you etc? How strong do you think her moral values are?
- What are your ages - you, your husband, your sister


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I would pretend to be asleep and wait to see if anyone comes into the bedroom to check on me (to see if I'm sleeping). After that I would wait to see If I hear any monkey noises from the living room.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

sadcat said:


> Hi All,
> 
> He is very attentive of her, forcing her to take breakfast, giving her vitamin pills and he seems to be anticipating her every needs.
> 
> .


 There is a reason he is looking after THESE needs and giving her such care. You know it and you need to ask her and him about it. 
Get it out in the air. Then your sister needs to leave. I know you want to help her but that does not mean helping at the destruction of your child's home.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Kool_Chicks you need to start your own thread to get advice for YOU. Until you do most people will respond to the OP.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

kool_chick said:


> My sister is a catholic and has strong moral values. she wanted to leave her husband some time back but stayed with him as she fell pregnant. at one time she called me n said she was not happy n felt lonely...they seem to b happy now but am not sure.
> 
> well we are a bit rival at some points. we are not that close. I know that she was also jealous wen her husband used to talk to me b4. now he barely looks n talks to me.


Hey Kool_Chick, actually my questions were for Sadcat who started the thread, so some of my questions might not be applicable to your situation, although looks like you and Sadcat share a similar problem with different flavors.

From what I read so far about your situation.. I think focus on your pregnancy for now, try to remain happy and healthy and think about your other issues later. Minimize the contact your husband might have with your sis till then by avoiding functions etc.... 

Also, do you mind posting a new thread so that Sadcat's thread is not hijacked... That way you can also get dedicated feedback on your issue from TAM users.


----------



## kool_chick (May 14, 2012)

@eowyn. 

Sorry. thanks for the advice.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

kool_chick said:


> @eowyn.
> 
> Sorry. thanks for the advice.


You are welcm! Take care of yourself.. Don't think too much till your baby is born.


----------



## kool_chick (May 14, 2012)

eowyn said:


> You are welcm! Take care of yourself.. Don't think too much till your baby is born.


Am new to this forum. Created a new one. Will try to. Take care!


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your gut, is always right, and if it is bothered by this---then you need to do something

1st thing is your sister goes, you need to talk to her, and tell her what is bothering you, but YOU DO NOT LET HER CONVINCE YOU NOTHING IS GOING ON----She may be innocent in all of this, but innocent or not, she is aiding your H., in his shunning of you, and his forgetting that he has a wife and child, so innocent or not---she has to be removed from the picture!!!!

If your sister tries to sway you---whether she likes it or not---she goes---right now she is causing a rift in your mge., and causing a potential problem for the future of your child---she goes

If your H., balks---then get right up in his face, and do not be nice about it---and tell him, he is spending more time with her, giving her more attention, than you his own wife---and YOU WILL NOT STAND FOR/ALLOW IT.

You have to make him realize you are his wife, and you and his child are more imprtant than anything else that exists---and if he does not understand/honor that---then he has a major problem, and you will deal with it as YOU SEE FIT.----Do not be scared to confront him---let him know who is the boss, at least in this instance!!!!!!!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You absolutely should be concerned.

Emotional affairs are very insidious, whether they are one-sided, or not. In fact, you could argue that one-sided ones are worse, with the person who has fallen for someone outside the marriage pining because their interest is unrequited. Nothing creates an obsession quite so quickly as a romantic interest who does not openly reject you.

There was a post on the boards here not too long ago where the wife brought a young cousin into the home who was visiting and figuring out where she was in life. The husband became very similarly inappropriately attached.

Unfortunately, your sister needs to move out, the sooner the better.

Do not be afraid to speak up and set firm boundaries. I agree with the others to have a private talk with your sister. But be wary. She may be at a tough / depressed point in her life where she is craving some male attention and isn't ashamed to stoop this low. No one EVER believes their sibling could be capable of an inappropriate relationship with their spouse (at least, the first time).

You are neither jealous, nor controlling, nor will you "push them together" by setting a very bright line. That is the stuff of books that teenagers read. Emotional affairs frequently occur right before an unwitting spouse, who tell themselves they are imagining things, they are being paranoid, etc. Adults state their needs and boundaries in clear, mature terms, with CONFIDENCE, they do not beg, they do not cry, and they do not mince words in a passive-aggressive fashion.

Why set a bright line for your husband? So that if it is crossed, he cannot say you permitted it. And if this happens in front of you on your watch, that is how he is going to psychologically justify it. And you will beat yourself up because you will feel you should have acted sooner.

You need to stop this before the infatuation goes any deeper.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

LuckyCharmH said:


> No your husband not falling for your sister, he just found a good friend from the family that like to hangout and talk to.


I disagree entirely and I'm sorry, this expresses an ignorance of how emotional affairs develop.

Some people seek out emotional affairs. The VAST MAJORITY do not. They simply express care to a person to whom they would theoretically be sexually attracted to outside the marriage. Not love, care. Then they demonstrate that care. These two simple actions, when expressed to someone who is not your parent, spouse, or child, are so powerful that they can lead to an infatuation within a matter of days or weeks. 

Mind you, infatuation is NOT the deep love for someone that would cause you to want to marry them. Another term for this superficial obsessive love is limerance, coined to mean a false love for the "idea" of someone. You are not connecting on a deeper level, you are not confronted with the reality of life, instead the attraction floats in a fantasy world.

He may not yet be infatuated or in limerance--but his ACTIONS show otherwise.

Anyone else who sees themselves in this story, take heed, this is no joke and many a marriage has been wounded or destroyed by these types of careless, selfish, inappropriate behaviors that eventually crossed the line into betrayal. Betrayal does NOT have to be physical and that is another issue that few people outside of those who have experienced infidelity can comprehend.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I also agree your sister needs to move out. You are very kind to let her move in, but I'm afraid this is backfiring. My husband tries to give me vitamins, he would never put that effort into another woman. Your husband is spending too much time with your sister. This is not your sisters fault either. I think taking your sister aside for a talk is a good idea for the heads up. She may not realize what he's doing.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I forgot to mention, he will probably express anger and argue very strongly against her moving out. In fact, the more emotion he expresses at the idea, the more worried you should be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'd be more concerned if it was a current thread.

Started in 2010


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'd be more concerned if it was a current thread.
> 
> Started in 2010


lol! I always forget to check the date. I think koolchik dug it up because it spoke to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Maybe we gave the right advice 2 years after it was over.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Never realized that....  Hope sadcat is doing fine, and hope kool_chick will do fine as well. It did sound like too much of a coincidence that two ladies end up with the exact same problem on the very same day


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Yes this is an old thread but the issue is an ancient one!
One of my best friends was the younger sister in an identical move-in situation.
She destroyed her older sister's marriage some 25 years ago. The husband seduced her (she was only 14 at the time) while she lived there to escape an abusive home life. She ended up pregnant and he married her.
She was cut off from her entire family and to this day no one will speak to her. Not invited to weddings, funerals, nothing.
The husband? He later dumped her for another woman, leaving her a young single mom w/ 3 kids that the family won't have anything to do with. 
Just sayin'. It happens all the time.


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

LOL--the old thread resurrected! I always forget to check the dates, too.


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Yes, definitely not a fictitious scenario... of course depends how the husband is, how the sister is, and the logistics of their relation etc... but certainly something that is possible and something that can be avoided by not enabling the situation to exist in the first place.


----------

