# Am I just paranoid or are signs worrisome?



## cooper4988 (May 24, 2012)

Hi,

Long story short here and I am not sure if I am paranoid or something is actally happening.
Met my wife 8 years ago and married for 3. Up to several months ago the thought of infidelity seemed stupid. Granted since we met we haven't had the best sex life, not completely her fault and not completely mine.
For the 1st several years of our relationship we worked somewhat same hours. I had to change jobs and she has always worked typical 9-5 and last 4 years I have been working random shift work full time. So I can work 4pm-12am or 10am-6pm, work weekends then don't work weekends. so its all over the place.
My wife has always been over weight and has always hated it. I don't mind it but its about how she feels. She decided to do something about it. About 6 months ago she sought to really try and loose the weight. So far done 62 pounds and I am happy for her. I thought maybe this might inproove self image and sex would be more consistant. Its normal that we don't get intimate for 4, 6 or 8 months. Its not like I don't try. There is always an excuse, she is tired, headache , she is asleep when I get home the list goes on.
Now on top of the loosing weight, she goes to the gym 5-6 days a week, she is now wearing contacts, new clothes but this still isn't the thing that worries me.
1st instance was when I was working late and didn't get home till about 1am. I would always come to bed and cuddle her. This night I noticed she wasn't wearing panties and if you know my wife she wears them every night unless we are having sex. My thought was a one off and left it, but the instance happened 3 more times while I was working late.
Next incident was after the 3rd time with no panties I checked out naughty drawer for some reason my brain directed me there. I notice Lube bottle was semi sealed but dripping out. We had not used it in over a year. To me it was odd but wiped it and sealed it tight.
Next I was folding her bedtime clothes and noticed a material I had not seen before. I intially thought it was lingerie but it was a bustier with a see through dress. Lets say its been in there 5 months and I have never seen it also another was added recently and again I haven't seen it used.
In the last 9 months we have been intimate once. I have tried to intiate, tried offering massage, tried asking and have been left with doing nothing and guess what nothing happens. We barely see each other with me working messed up hours. When we are together she is on the computer, watching tv or sleeping.
I have checked the lube bottle a few times and twice the lid was popped open again and liquid oosing out.
I am sure other people will see this as pure signs of cheating but I just don't know.
Thanks


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well lube could be used for masturbation but the new lingerie that she never presented to you is very worrisome

I think you need to investigate

keylogger, check phone records and texts, VAR in the car or bedroom


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Doesn't look good to me.

Even if she weren't cheating, I don't know why you'd tolerate only one sexual encounter in nine months, but it does appear that she is cheating. AR has good links, use them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hmmm, until I saw the thing about the new lingerie, I was also thinking masturbation.

It could be that she bought the lingerie but hasn't had the guts to wear it for you yet. That's happened to me.

Are there any other suspicious things? Does she lock/hide her phone? Text a lot? Have missing time? Keep email and facebook password protected? Anything?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

+1 AR's post.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The no panties and the lube can be explained away, but the new lingerie....hmmm....this IS probable cause/reasonable suspicion to begin further investigation. Like Hope1964 was asking, any other red flags that you can think of? Most of the time its the cell phone glued to the hand being an obvious indicator.

Just a guess, but could be someone she met at the gym. Reminds me of my day care providers sister. She was always heavy, but then she lost a lot of weight, decided she was now HOT, and promptly lost her mind.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

First of all, you're smart to come here. There are experts here that will guide you through this.

You're also right to be suspicious. If she normally has done A, B and C and is now doing X, Y, and Z, then yes, you need to investigate.

But very important----As you gather evidence, don't confront her with any little scrap that seems suspicious. It will only drive the affair (if she's in one) further underground.

But right now, you need to find out what's going on. You'll get great advice here.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

What about yourself, physically? Are you fit? Do you workout regularly?

As others have suggested, 

-Install a keylogger on the computer she uses and check her emails/facebook emssage/ or any other secret account.

-Place a VAR(voice activated recorder) in her car, firmly attached under the drivers seat.

-Do you have a friend that can check up on her if she is alone at the gym? Or goes with someone else afterwards?

-Which phone is she using? You can get deleted texts from some. Are you able to monitor her call/text logs? Anything out of the ordinary?

*DO NOT* confront her if you find anything/something. Report back here, we'll guide you.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Does not look good. Check your phone records. look for long calls to numbers you do not recognize and see if the number of texts messages are on an increase.

The VAR in the car and in the bedroom as well as the keylogger on the computer should tell you everything you do not really want to know.

Get some advice here before you confront her.


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## cooper4988 (May 24, 2012)

She has a cell phone but she isn't like most people that are attached to it. I have checked it before and there was nothing to suspect anyhthing. No texts, call log or anything that was incriminating but she could always delete that. Never gaurds her phone.
Nothing on facebook thats incriminating either. No wierd friends I don't know.
I wouldn't call what she has lingerie really. Its a neglage, not sure the spelling. Either way its still what I would consider sexy.
As for me in a physical sense. I am on the shorter side and somewhat skinny. I don't go to the gym either, but I am not totally out of shape. I walk a lot, probably about 2 hrs a day.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cooper4988 said:


> She has a cell phone but she isn't like most people that are attached to it. I have checked it before and there was nothing to suspect anyhthing. No texts, call log or anything that was incriminating but she could always delete that. Never gaurds her phone..


Have you gone through the actual bill and compared it or just skimmed through the phone?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Good rule to live by? If your gut is telling you something is up, then your gut is usually right.

I would do some investigating a little further.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I wouldn't panic but I'd observe. Do you have someone that can go see what she's doing at the gym?


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## cooper4988 (May 24, 2012)

Ok this will red flag you more
All cell phone bills/credit card bills are e-billing.
I strictly see amounts go out of joint account but don't know what they are actually paying for.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Which brand is the phone? and the provider?


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## cooper4988 (May 24, 2012)

Technically the gym I think is legit for the most part. She is usually only gone 1 hour. She comes back sweaty and telling stories about her class she takes.
Part of me for a while just figured she is asexual or just not that in to me. Should either be the case its still an issue as I won't really ever be happy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

cooper4988 said:


> Ok this will red flag you more
> All cell phone bills/credit card bills are e-billing.
> I strictly see amounts go out of joint account but don't know what they are actually paying for.


If the phone is in your name you should be to go online and check the bill


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cooper4988 said:


> Technically the gym *I think *is legit for the most part. She is usually only gone 1 hour. She comes back sweaty and telling stories about her class she takes.
> Part of me for a while just figured she is asexual or just not that in to me. Should either be the case its still an issue as I won't really ever be happy.


Unfortunately thinking isn't the same as confirming. You either need to go underground and do a little digging or forget about it and turn a blind eye to it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Btw big difference between lingerie and sleepwear 

I'm starting to think your issues are more LD/HD related


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Btw big difference between lingerie and sleepwear
> 
> I'm starting to think your issues are more LD/HD related


Yeah, I am wondering about this lingerie now. Could it be a slip? Or just something to sleep in?

It doesn't sound like there's much to be worried about here. Especially in comparison to other stuff I've seen!!

It never hurts to verify, though. If I were you I would keep my eyes open a bit more for the next few weeks.

but I kinda think she's just finding her new 'self' to her own liking and is just being herself more.

Do you compliment her a lot on her weight loss? Treat her like a queen?


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## cooper4988 (May 24, 2012)

LD/HD? Not familiar with this term or what its short for.
The cell and credit card are strictly in her name so no access for me.
As for the sexy bed time wear, definitely not for comfort.
Its really just a bra piece and the rest is a very short dress that would not cover her butt fully. Aside from the bra part its all tool mesh like you would see in a wedding vail. I would say trying to sleep in it would make it fall apart. To me looks more for a night of fun and enticement.
As for the other question about complimenting her. I treat her like gold, some single friends are jealous and say they wish they had a guy like me. Things like our anniversay, valentines day or her birthday I always try to make special. The reverse I didn't even get anything for my birthday aside from her saying it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Low drive/high drive (referring to sex drive) You being the HD one. There's tons of info on it in the Sex section.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

put a keylogger on the home computer. buy a couple of VAR's (voice activated recorders) and some heavy duty velcro. Hide one in a room where you know what she talks the most on her cell. Use the heavy duty velcro and secure a VAR under her drivers seat. When she's in the shower, see if you can get a look at the texts on her phone. If there is something there, try and save a screen shot of it. 

What kind of phone does she have? Is it an iPhone?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'd also put a VAR in your bedroom, could be she's using that lube & lingerie with someone else.
Obviously someone is having sex if the lube keeps being used & if she's only doing it solo, that's not right, especially since you haven't had sex in a long time.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Yeah, I'd say those are too many red flags to ignore. If you feel the need to investigate, plenty of people on this board can help you. I see they've already mentioned, keyloggers, VAR's, etc. If you're going to do it, I suggest you do it fast and not let on. You want her to continue acting the way she always does so don't be suspicious.

The weight loss is a huge red flag. Many women who have been big for a while tend to feel liberated once they drop the pounds. She feels that she's hotter than you and is going out to express it. If she's not cheating, there are things you can do to up your game. But if she is, well that's a whole different story so you need to find out ASAP.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The on the computer all the time suggests you need a key logger on it immediately, I would strongly suggest a VAR in her car and in your bedroom on the nights you're working late.

Is it always on nights you work late, or is it also specific nights like when you work late on Friday? 

I'd try the vars first, and you might consider a gos tracker on her car if the bars don't turn up anything, but the lube stuff keeps happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

cooper4988 said:


> Technically the gym I think is legit for the most part. She is usually only gone 1 hour. She comes back sweaty and telling stories about her class she takes.
> *Part of me for a while just figured she is asexual or just not that in to me. * Should either be the case its still an issue as I won't really ever be happy.


Sex is a big part of being married. Not getting any in nine months just isn't healthy. I hope that she's not having an affair but you need to do everything that's been suggested here. Also, get a copy of the book Married Man's Sex Life -- it will shed light on your sex (or lack therof) situation.

Good luck.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

What size is this lingerie? 

Could be she got excited that she started to lose weight and has bought some new underthings (that she might not yet fit into or she might still feel too self-conscious about her weight to put them on). 

Weight loss groups often suggest buying things for "inspiration" to use as a motivator to lose weight.

The 5 month old piece might now be too big, so she got another one.

Ask your wife about it (calmly) rather than speculating and spying yourself into a divorce. "Hon, I ran across your lingerie, looks awesome, would love to see you in it, were you planning on wearing it for a special night?"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

norajane said:


> What size is this lingerie?
> 
> Could be she got excited that she started to lose weight and has bought some new underthings (that she might not yet fit into or she might still feel too self-conscious about her weight to put them on).
> 
> ...


If I ever get arrested I want you for my lawyer.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> If I ever get arrested I want you for my lawyer.




If you're lucky, I'll do it pro bono.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

norajane said:


> What size is this lingerie?
> 
> Could be she got excited that she started to lose weight and has bought some new underthings (that she might not yet fit into or she might still feel too self-conscious about her weight to put them on).
> 
> ...


Entirely plausible explanation counsellor...when taken by itself.

However, it doesn't explain only *one sexual encounter in NINE months*. It doesn't explain why she's sleeping commando on occasion. It doesn't explain the sudden apparent use of sex lube, especially when they haven't been intimate in nine months, *plus he's been trying everything under the sun to try and get her in the mood*. 

So what is she waiting for? To lose more pounds before giving it to him? Is she saving it up for him? Is that one of the motivators?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Every woman who gets into an affair embarks on self improvement. Losing weight, new sexy clothes, etc. But the reverse is not true. Every woman who embarks on self improvement is not in an affair. So going to the gym and getting new sexy clothes is not by itself worrisome.

The lube thing, the sleeping commando, and no sex with hubby for several months is more of a contradiction. She seems to be sexual in some ways, but not with hubby. That is where I would be concerned.

I agree that the VAR is warranted.

Another tact would be to approach this with her in a calm, positive, direct way. You should be able to discuss anything with your spouse. The fact that she is commando is a change. The new lingerie is a change. Having a direct conversation about all of this is absolutely justified. I would stay a million miles away from the topic of being worried about her cheating, though. Just ask her what's up.

Is there any alcohol involved? I'm wondering if she is masturbating and then falling asleep naked unintentionally. If she has a few drinks first it might make it easier for her to M but then she falls asleep.

She may have some sex issues, and is working on trying to be more sexual. There really could be an innocent explanation for all of this.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Cooper:

All these things do seem to be a red flag. 

Still, you need more proof before confronting. 

I do think buying the sexy nighties and not wearing them in front of you sounds odd, but I have known women to buy pretty things and then never wear them. I wouldn't, 'cause it seems like a waste of money to me, but I know some who oddly have.

I have described these woman as like crows. They like pretty or shiny things and take them and store them in their nest even though they do not need them or use them. It just catches their eye.


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

Before even going down the keylog route, can you just look at the computer history/accounts, etc.? Does your computer have a webcam? Lube and lingerie might indicate masturbation, but it might also indicate cybersex.

I think Thor is right on. See what else you can find, but consider approaching her assuming she is innocent. You should be allowed to ask about new lingerie (if not used lubricant) when you feel sexually neglected.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It's quite possible she was excited about the loss of weight and bought some frilly girly things to try and either wasn't happy with how they looked or dosn't have the courage to wear them for you.
All you've stated are small red flags of an affair but considering your wife's situation it's more likely you have a body image LD/HD problem here.

Keep your eyes open and keep letting her know she looks great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Many things are possible, but only one is the truth.

Assume the worst and celebrate if it doesn't happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, how about this? 

Are you proud she has lost so much weight? Well, show her you are proud!

You can buy some nice lingerie that is similar -but not the same, of course!- to the stuff she brought.

Or ask her to take you to her favourite shop/store and say: "Look, I am a man, we know next-to-nothing about fashion, so I'll go with you, you select what you want, and I'll buy them."


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Coop said, "1st instance was when I was working late and didn't get home till about 1am. I would always come to bed and cuddle her. This night I noticed _she wasn't wearing panties and if you know my wife she wears them every night unless we are having sex._ My thought was a one off and left it, but the instance happened 3 more times while I was working late."

What am I missing here. He comes home to cuddle his wife. She's not wearing panties. The only time she doesn't wear panties is when they have sex. He is perplexed why she's not wearing panties. Sounds to me like he past up an opportunity.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Any update?


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