# Wife says I only pay attention to her when I want to have sex



## marriageintrouble (Oct 17, 2011)

We've had issues with sex our entire relationship. We used to fight about sex and her lack of interest in it. Over the past few years I've given up. We have sex somewhere between 4 and 6 times a year. I think we've had sex 4 times this year. I must NEVER pay attention to her because I never bother her for sex anymore.

I've had to use other outlets - I watch porn on the computer - mostly at night. I masturbate maybe 5-6 times a week. She resents it. But of course, she never wants to have sex so I just dont know what to do anymore. I don't want to cheat.

I'm miserable sexually. I just have no clue what to do.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think you need to pay close attention to your title,and listen to it. I have to wonder, if a lot of these threads on here about lack of sex come from their spouse trying to tell them whats lacking, what they need or whats actually going on and the other spouse just isn't listening. Have you asked her WHY she feels this way? What other things do you do for her that would help her NOT think you are after just sex?


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If you are taking care of yourself, she certainly isn't going to ASK you for sex. As you noted, you've given up. 

A lot of women take resentments and anger to the bedroom. Little comments, not showing respect, not helping with family and house stuff, taking her for granted, not paying compliments, all around not treating her the same way you did when you were dating. 

Lots of times that translates into "I don't like you" and no sex drive.

The rest of the time.... medical issues, just plain tired from raising a family with not much help, or getting it somewhere else.

If you really want to change the situation.. read a lot of posts here.
And start asking your wife some direct questions. And listen to what she is saying. Really listen.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Yes, read the title of your thread. Your wife is telling you what the problem is. Now it's your job to fix it and it will probably take some time.

Ask her what type of attention she wants and how often she wants it. Do this sincerely and do NOT make fun of her or get defensive. Make a careful note of what she is saying. Then follow through. And if you don't fully understand what she wants, ask her for more details. 

The trick in doing this is to start giving her what she wants but to NOT do it expecting sex. In fact, I would encourage you to just focus on being attentive, affectionate, and loving for at least a month before you even try to make the moves on her. Yes, a month. If you've been neglectful of her for a long time, it's going to take some time to set things right.

What you are really trying to do is to reconnect with her and remind her of what a loving, wonderful husband you are. That will make her want to have sex with you. How can she be turned on by someone she is resentful of? It's pretty hard.

Also take her out for dates, buy her small gifts (if that is her thing), give her back or foot rubs, help around the house, compliment her at least once a day and make it meaningful (not just "you look nice" but "That sweater really flatters your sexy body"), etc.

Also, make sure YOU are at your best. Shower and shave daily, wear deoderant, dress well, and don't walk around with smelly breath.

But make sure you do what SHE likes, not what YOU like, in terms of showing her love and affection. The sex will follow.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I dated a guy like this years ago. He paid attention to me mostly when he wanted sex and he would do things in hopes to get sex. That just didn't fly with me. I wanted him to sometimes to do things out of the kindness of his heart, or just because, not because he was hoping it would lead to sex. I often wondered if the way he operated came from just plain selfishness or entitlement issues. 

I told him several times the very same thing your wife is telling you, but for whatever reason he just didn't get it. Or maybe he did and just didn't care. Since we were not married and had no kids, I didn't find it worth my while to invest in that kind of relationship any further, and I ended it. I agree with the others, pay attention to what she is trying to tell you.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your post says she's had a low sex drive your entire relationship. This isn't about you. It's her and it's just the way she is. She can (and will) run through a million excuses why she lacks desire and will paint most as your fault. Replace you with any other guy on the planet and she still has a low sex drive. Jump through flaming hoops and paint your behind bright purple and she still has a low sex drive. 4-6 times a year but you only pay attention to her when you want sex. See how ridiculous that sounds? It's utter nonsense! Do you go on vacation alone frequently but pop in once every 3 months for a little quickie? She denies you daily for 90 consecutive days but claims the problem is that you only want sex?


----------



## Dax (Jun 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Your post says she's had a low sex drive your entire relationship. This isn't about you. It's her and it's just the way she is. She can (and will) run through a million excuses why she lacks desire and will paint most as your fault. Replace you with any other guy on the planet and she still has a low sex drive. Jump through flaming hoops and paint your behind bright purple and she still has a low sex drive. 4-6 times a year but you only pay attention to her when you want sex. See how ridiculous that sounds? It's utter nonsense! Do you go on vacation alone frequently but pop in once every 3 months for a little quickie? She denies you daily for 90 consecutive days but claims the problem is that you only want sex?


EXACTLY. I wish there was a like button on this board like in facebook. While you probably could pay her more attention, it is mostly her fault and on her why she doesn't want sex. Diverting the fault on you will make you look like the bad guy, and then she will get you to do whatever she wants. Don't be that sap.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Dax said:


> EXACTLY. I wish there was a like button on this board like in facebook. While you probably could pay her more attention, it is mostly her fault and on her why she doesn't want sex. Diverting the fault on you will make you look like the bad guy, and then she will get you to do whatever she wants. Don't be that sap.


Sorry but sometimes the other person can be a contributing factor as to why someone might not want sex with them.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

It's pretty normal and not uncommon within marriage to have differing sex drives. Barring mental or physical health issues, this disparity can often be overcome when both spouses are willing to work at it.

This seems like a classic case of 'his needs, her needs'. Lotsa women need to have that emotional connect to get in to sex, and your wife is telling you that connection isn't there for her. Lotsa men need the sex to feel that emotional connection. Seems like a catch-22. But, as the one here seeking advice, and even luckily with a bit of information from your wife on what her issue is, you can start to set some changes in place within your marriage that could make a big difference.

I suggest you go out to the marriagebuilders.com site and start reading up on meeting each other's need within marriage - paying attention to how you could work on meeting the emotional needs that she has in your marriage. If you can do that, you may find that she will want to meet your needs. I think that for many, many women most of their sex 'drive' is not so much physical, but emotiona/mental. You need to learn to work with that.

The Most Important Emotional Needs

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Best wishes.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A woman willing to have sex only 2 or 4 times a year doesn't have simply a differing sex drive. She's sexually dead. According to the OP, this has been the case from the beginning of the relationship. She entered into an adult sexual relationship under fraudulent pretense. Her conduct is dishonest and abusive and I can't believe people here are so willing to excuse it. Rather than take responsibility for her own evil, dishonest, fraudulent, selfish behavior, she predictably blames her victim..and gets a free pass by many here.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> A woman willing to have sex only 2 or 4 times a year doesn't have simply a differing sex drive. She's sexually dead. According to the OP, this has been the case from the beginning of the relationship. She entered into an adult sexual relationship under fraudulent pretense. Her conduct is dishonest and abusive and I can't believe people here are so willing to excuse it. Rather than take responsibility for her own evil, dishonest, fraudulent, selfish behavior, she predictably blames her victim..and gets a free pass by many here.


Indeed not. It will take both of them being willing to work at it to make it work. Remember - he stated that the issues have been there from the beginning - so presumably he entered in to it willingly?

And, go read up about women's sex drives and how they differ from a man's. It's pretty easy for a woman's drive to be suppressed when there are a lot of negative relationship issues -a woman doesn't have the level of testosterone a man does to make it as physical of a need as a man has. That doesn't mean her drive is dead - it does mean it's different than his, and he (and you!) would do well to start understanding that.

Not every woman who has a suppressed drive is an evil, dishonest harpy. Maybe she just needs the right kind of man that will be able to bring out that sexual side of her. 

Best wishes.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

To the OP, since this has been like this your entire relationship, is this a deal breaker for you? If so, how much time are you willing to stay in hopes it will change? I mean you did say it had always been like this.


----------



## Pteradactyl (Apr 8, 2011)

Op- Does/did your wife have orgasms?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't want sex because you don't show interest in her until you want sex. She's not a porn movie.

She also doesn't like you watching porn and jacking off 5-6 times a week. So, she figures you're already getting off, so why bother?

Just guessing, of course. I don't know your wife.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Unbelievable - this is such an extreme statement indicative of black and white thinking.

I'm sure his wife entered the marriage expecting her husband to be affectionate and reasonably attentive. I'm sure she did not expect to be treated like a sex doll, only acknoweldged when her husband wants a little sumpin' sumpin'. 

So now, in addtion to him ignoring her unless he wants to get laid, she now sees him jerking it to porn. 

Listen, I believe BOTH men and women have needs and expectations that should be met by their husband/wife. But it takes two to tango and the marriage dynamic does not happen in a vacuum, as much as we'd all like to blame everything on the other person.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> A woman willing to have sex only 2 or 4 times a year doesn't have simply a differing sex drive. She's sexually dead. According to the OP, this has been the case from the beginning of the relationship. She entered into an adult sexual relationship under fraudulent pretense. Her conduct is dishonest and abusive and I can't believe people here are so willing to excuse it. Rather than take responsibility for her own evil, dishonest, fraudulent, selfish behavior, she predictably blames her victim..and gets a free pass by many here.


I normaly agree with most of what you say. That being said, she did nothing fraudulent here. She was like that from the start. She didn't rock his world then just take it away. He has known from the start the bill of goods he was getting.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I apply to be a jockey, the implication is that I'm willing to ride a horse. If I sign a contract but then refuse to ride, I have defrauded my employer.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If I apply to be a jockey, the implication is that I'm willing to ride a horse. If I sign a contract but then refuse to ride, I have defrauded my employer.


If you have never shown the ability to ride a horse before being hired then your employer is a moron.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> Unbelievable - this is such an extreme statement indicative of black and white thinking.
> 
> I'm sure his wife entered the marriage expecting her husband to be affectionate and reasonably attentive. I'm sure she did not expect to be treated like a sex doll, only acknoweldged when her husband wants a little sumpin' sumpin'.
> 
> ...



A sex doll!!!! Are you serious??? He's not asking for acrobatics or porno sex. She's not even meeting the bare minimum acceptable requirements to even be considered a wife. If he expects her to maybe show signs of life, he's treating her like a sex doll???? She didn't agree to be his chess partner, his roommate, or his best friend forever. She agreed to be his wife. As she has apparently withheld sex from jump street, she entered into the arrangement knowing full well she never intended to actually be his sexual partner.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Notice you glossed over the part where I say it takes two to tango? Maybe I'm hitting too close to home?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Heres the rub.

in all the years married to her and the countless conversations about the lack of sex/intamicy did she ever say I need more attention paid to me I don't really feel like you really love me because we don't connect the way I need to for me to want to make love.

if not then she has been decieving you by not really comunicating whats important to her. passive agressive.
punishining you for not knowing what to do to get her in the mood I'll bet she masterbates when your not around.


thats right it takes two to tango but both parties have to comunicate their needs. a fridget spouce for what ever reason dose not get a free pass if she isn't also trying to improve things.

find a woman on the side when she finds out sends her packing.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This is what frustrates me about this board sometimes. People oversimplify complex problems. "He's a jerk. She's a *****."

The reality is that BOTH people are responsible for the state of thier marriage and sex life. BOTH. 

For example, say there are things that I do that cause my husband to not want to give me affection. Say, too, that I don't always know what those things are because he doesn't tell me or only partially tells me. So anyway, my husband pulls back and gives me less affection. Then I notice he's not giving me much affection, and I get resentful and hurt. So I am even more apt to act in ways that make him not want to give me affection. But he isn't clear about it so all I really know is that my husband isn't giving me affection. And the less he gives, the more I get upset and the less I act in ways that motivate him to give me affection.

This is a DYNAMIC involving two people. It is complex because we all come to a marriage with our own baggage, our own individual ways of communicating, our own set of expectations, and our own insecurities and fears that often make seeing things clearly difficult. 

So in what I described above, my husband should take responsibility for communicating what behaviors make him not want to be affectionate. And I need to be more aware of those so that he can give me more of what I want. But if one or the other is always looking to blame the other person, nothing every gets solved. Each person has a part to play.

If communicating our needs was easy, and if being exactly what our partner wanted was easy, this board would not be in existence!

I think posts in which people assume that the "offending" spouse is withholding on purpose, which is usually not the case, are not very productive.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

"We've had issues with sex our entire relationship."

I take that to mean even when you all were dating. Which means you went into the marriage knowing this. Maybe you hoped things would get better? Or did she just all of a sudden stop wanting to have sex once the ring went on her finger?

OR maybe when you were dating SHE felt like the only time you paid her any attention was when you wanted sex and she tried to tell you from the get go, and perhaps it was her who went into the marriage knowing this, and had hoped it would change? Regardless, it sounds like you both need some counseling if you both want to try and save the marriage


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He was acceptable enough to marry but not acceptable enough to have sex with? She laid out the cheese and he fell for it. The trap has sprung and that is that. If she had been a willing sexual partner for the first portion of the marriage but gradually lost desire, you might have a point. In any case, withholding, especially to her degree, is sadistic and abusive. According to the OP, the relationship began this way. Same here. Before marriage, mine told me that sex was for marriage and that her reluctance was because she wasn't wed. I fell for it with predictable results. Come to find out mine was this way for years before she ever met me. Not everything is a guy's fault and not every woman enters into marriage with honorable intentions. Regardless of what my emotions are on any given day, she has reasonable expectations of me and I meet them. I don't get to abuse or neglect her on the days I'm not feeling great. If he's that horrible, she should leave him. She apparently prefers to slowly psychologiically castrate him because she lacks the integrity to physically castrate him. Somebody might actually identify her as an abuser if blood was involved. As it stands, she gets to pretend to the world that she is married and he gets to be chained forever to a sexless, passionless corpse. If he complains, he gets told it's his fault. Lovely.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> A woman willing to have sex only 2 or 4 times a year doesn't have simply a differing sex drive. She's sexually dead. According to the OP, this has been the case from the beginning of the relationship. She entered into an adult sexual relationship under fraudulent pretense. Her conduct is dishonest and abusive and I can't believe people here are so willing to excuse it. Rather than take responsibility for her own evil, dishonest, fraudulent, selfish behavior, she predictably blames her victim..and gets a free pass by many here.


She didn't enter in to anything under false pretenses. She has been remarkably consistant from what the OP states but there you go with your drum beating again of how women "trap" men regardless if that was the case or not.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> This is what frustrates me about this board sometimes. People oversimplify complex problems. "He's a jerk. She's a *****."
> 
> The reality is that BOTH people are responsible for the state of thier marriage and sex life. BOTH.
> 
> ...


If one partner is not communicating what needs are not being met then yes it is cut and dry. Nobody should expect their partner to read their mind. It doesn't become the responsibility of the clueless party until they know it is a problem to begin with.

As much as I do agree that communicating is not all that easy, it doesn't make it any less the fault of the one not doing so. Nobody ever said marriage was easy.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

marriageintrouble said:


> We've had issues with sex our entire relationship. We used to fight about sex and her lack of interest in it.


And when you have asked her about why she has such a disinterest in sex, what has she said? Has her answer been, "You only pay me attention when you want sex? if thats her answer, then listen to it. She just told you. 

If that hasn't been her answer when you have asked her, then what is her answer as to why she doesn't want to?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes,

If he knew before marriage that he was entering into a sexless union he wouldn't be frustrated or on this forum. I very seriously doubt she honestly told him prior to the nuptials that he would be having sex 2-4 time annually (if he was lucky). She didn't tell him that because she knew he would walk away like any intelligent person.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Good grief, I hope the OP comes back and clarifies somethings.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Therealbrighteyes,
> 
> If he knew before marriage that he was entering into a sexless union he wouldn't be frustrated or on this forum. I very seriously doubt she honestly told him prior to the nuptials that he would be having sex 2-4 time annually (if he was lucky). She didn't tell him that because she knew he would walk away like any intelligent person.


He said it has always been this way. I am only speaking to what he himself said.


----------



## marriageintrouble2 (Oct 23, 2011)

Wow - Interesting responses and unbiased assumptions. I'm the OP (cannot get into my first ID for some reasons).

Let's establish some things:

1. I work hard, take care of the family and am very responsible. I'm clean shaven and generally always clean and well groomed. I pay attention to the kids and I am a very loving father. I help out with the kids. When I am not working, I am home 99% of the time. I tell my wife I love her every single day. I hold hands with her, I hug her, I kiss her. Every day. I console her when she isn't feeling well. I try to cheer her up when she is down. I'm very affectionate and NOT just when I want sex. I do this and I dont do it because I think it will lead to sex. Trust me, I dont do ANYTHING thinking it will lead to sex because it doesn't lead there anyway and besides, I just do these things because that's just who I am. I've even tried to tell myself that if she doesn't pay attention to me sexually, I won't be affectionate... and I still can't stop being affectionate.

2. I did enter this willingly. I knew about our difference in sex drive. However, it was never this far apart. And it's not just about sex. She doesnt pay attention to ME. I wouldnt even care if we didnt have sex if she just even showed that she desired me. Marriage isn't all about sex, I get it. But I would like to feel like someone desires me sexually. I dont want a sex doll and I dont ever treat her like a sex doll and I never have. I dont even really want to watch porn. It's vapid and empty. I just have no other outlet to explore my sexual feelings.

3. I'm going to stick up for myself a little bit right now: I'm a good person. I'm a great father. I'm a good provider. I'm a good husband. Could I improve on all of these? Yes, who couldn't?? But you know what? I respect my wife, I show her affection, I take care of her and the family. I'm a very responsible mature adult with normal sexual desires. I'm pretty darn sure SOMEone would think that I'd be worth desiring.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You don't need to defend yourself. She married you, so she acceeded that you were more than acceptable enough to have reasonable sexual relations with. She still lives with you and enjoys all other benefits of marriage, so you're apparently not a triple axe murderer or a troll. You don't have to be perfect to rightfully expect at least minimally decent treatment. You have to be a human being. The need to love and to be loved isn't the exclusive domain of perfect people. They don't exist. Denying one's spouse sex and intimacy is just plain abusive and it is the obligation of the abuser to cease abusive behavior. If we hear of a wife being beaten severely by her husband, we don't tell her she should learn to cook better or to show her abusive spouse more kindness.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

When your wife says you only pay attention to her when you want sex, do you follow up with her as to what kind of attention she wants? What is it that she is desiring? You are desiring physical affection and thus showing it to your wife, but she is apparently desiring something different, and you need to find out what that is.

And, how much is this affection that you are giving to her? Some people can quite frankly be overwhelmed, feel almost smothered, by their spouse's shows of affection and it can totally turn them off. Do you think she could be feeling like this? Here's a thread that discusses that issue. See if it resonates with you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Best wishes.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

marriageintrouble2 said:


> Wow - Interesting responses and unbiased assumptions. I'm the OP (cannot get into my first ID for some reasons).
> 
> Let's establish some things:
> 
> ...


I was in your SIMILAR situation...

I'm loving my latest celibacy experiment (It's probably my last straw)... it's changed the dynamics entirely. I was in your situation. Now I'm in control and it's working, I see change. Everyday I do the exact things (and more) I did without sex being on the table... it's setting a precedent. I'm De-emphasizing sex so when it returns it's just part of life and not a "problem". During this period I'm not "afraid" to speak my mind for fear of repercussions.

I'm halfway through six-month celibacy because I was tired about 'fighting" over sex. I extended the olive branch and gave her a chance to understand herself that she got us here. That our life isn't normal. When we start up again there will be a serious conversation about what the "team"will do going forward after this demarcation from old to new.

I needed to break the dysfunction cycle. By having deep discussions in a period where sex is off the table. I think when it returns we will both be on a much better footing. Never looking back again only forward. Just might work finally. We agreed to monthly discussions about what is going good or bad currently in our life. A chance to communicate on-on-one.

You might think about it as a way to break the dysfunction cycle. Take control she might respect you for it. Our sex life was/infrequent because of HER "feelings" that we have been working on for two years straight. She needed space to clear her mind. I did too.

It's reverse psychology ....plain and simple. She knows I love sex but I'm willing to take it off the table because it's lame right now. It's not worth my effort for scraps.


I'm happier,she's happier... and I can dream about great sex with my wife. Instead of facing the reality of a two-year and counting lame/unfulfilled sex life.

I had 2 choices. I was at a decision point two years into to this "sexless" existence.

1. let the dysfunction continue and hope things change. Not looking likely anytime soon based on observations an most recent conversation.
2. Do something different. Stop the insanity. Bite the bullet. A 180.

I sat her down, explained very calmly that we were at an impasse that WE need to solve and that after this we will be either closer or farther apart. We may end up divorced (I told her I didn't want that neither did our kids and likely her). I told her I am not agreeable to a sexless marriage and one way or another it won't continue. The last two years were unacceptable as we were both unhappy. I told her I love her and wanted to take pressure of while we both work on our own minds as we try toe re-establish an emotional connection then we can re-introduce intimacy. I asked for her buy in. She agreed saying "It was a good idea". So to me it's a done deal I'm happy there may be light at he end of the tunnel finally. I think she is relieved there is a plan in place, she obviously was unable to do it on her own.

We'll see, so far so good. Changes are evident in the dynamics between us now. Much better.

Seize control from your wife... she's abusing it. Wife's are not good when they are in control they simply aren't qualified to lead a family. Us husbands have to regain the upper hand. Gain the respect we deserve and they crave. The sex will follow.

I was averaging 4 months between lame sessions... so 6-mo is only 2-mo longer for the POSSIBILITY of a much better sex life ongoing permanently. I was willing to take that bet any day. Heck she'll probably be horny by then too.


----------



## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I wouldn't bother with the "control" thing if I were you - it never works, haha. I think your best bet, instead of coming on here and whining at us because you never get a root, would be to just divorce your wife and find an ex-stripper to marry. That way, you get a new woman, a woman who has plenty (and i mean PLENTY) of experience in bed so she knows exactly what buttons to push in bed with you. Buttons for men are all the same so if you were with a woman like this, she could push your button before you even made it to the bed. I'm sure if you got a woman with thirty years experience in the field, then you would never have anything sex-related to complain about again ever - in your whole life. Whether or not she has a nice personality could be debateable, but as you read on here every day, that is not the important part. She puts out!!!!!!!!


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> I wouldn't bother with the "control" thing if I were you - it never works, haha. I think your best bet, instead of coming on here and whining at us because you never get a root, would be to just divorce your wife and find an ex-stripper to marry. That way, you get a new woman, a woman who has plenty (and i mean PLENTY) of experience in bed so she knows exactly what buttons to push in bed with you. Buttons for men are all the same so if you were with a woman like this, she could push your button before you even made it to the bed. I'm sure if you got a woman with thirty years experience in the field, then you would never have anything sex-related to complain about again ever - in your whole life. Whether or not she has a nice personality could be debateable, but as you read on here every day, that is not the important part. She puts out!!!!!!!!


It's not about sex....

It's about bringing back balance to our marriage and creating a happy marriage that can last us "until death do us part". 

You may be right I may never "control" her. In fact I don't want to as it should be partnership. What I have an issue with is that she holds all the cards when it comes to our supposedly shared sex life especially over the last few years. That's what I mean by taking control back. Now I can say NO and mean it. I made a stand finally. I won't accept lame/infrequent sex anymore. I will change so she provides me what I'm looking for out of her own desire. I will be the best man she has available. She will naturally love me and want to have great and frequent sex in time but not until I stepped up my game.

I love my wife so your "suggestion" of a stripper is just plain gross. 

Most long-term married men are decent and just want a happy family. I invested 20 years in my relationship with my wife and I'm not about to throw it away without my best effort.

I look at this period as becoming a better man for myself and ultimately my wife. I know I was not worth her energy in past years that I became too complacent. That was my fault and I've been making amends for two years

My approach to her going forward is going to be different. I will change the way I interact with her to give her the man she's looking for. She will decide and desire to have sex with me again but not until I have changed enough for her by replacing old bad feelings with new good ones.

I am building the emotional connection during our celibacy period and it's working. I'm just trying to help the OP out with what can work. Being here is therapy for me while I go through a trying time.

If sex were the main reason I'd divorce her as she hasn't come anywhere close to my level ever. I realize that was my fault as I never came anywhere close to her need for emotional intimacy either. Yet we are still together, we both make up for those transgressions in other ways . We both reaped what we sowed. Time for better effort on both sides now as we continue this marriage. I'm starting and she will eventually notice an want to make things right. Its all very chicken or the egg .

I Know I need to improve, by improving myself she will improve also. It will take time and I have every right to take control when things are not moving in the right direction i our life. I felt it was time I gave my wife a pretty big wake up call. Like she did to me two years ago.

I have no doubt that I'll be successful it's just a matter of time, I won't give up. The celibacy period was to create a safe period for healing. It will pay for itself by speeding the process up significantly once sexual expression is back on our table. I may extend it beyond that period because I want to do it right this time. I need to wait for her to change also to eventually get what I really desire. My wife is gorgeous, smart, funny any of the rest of you would be a step down frankly .


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I was in your SIMILAR situation...
> 
> I'm loving my latest celibacy experiment (It's probably my last straw)... it's changed the dynamics entirely. I was in your situation. Now I'm in control and it's working, I see change. Everyday I do the exact things (and more) I did without sex being on the table... it's setting a precedent. I'm De-emphasizing sex so when it returns it's just part of life and not a "problem". During this period I'm not "afraid" to speak my mind for fear of repercussions.
> 
> ...


I wish you luck with this endeavor. I did not go 6 months with my sex strike, but 2 months. Yes, things were much better... like way better. The moment sex was reintroduced and I started having desire and interest again... he backed off and the fights began again. We have been fighting for 2 weeks straight. Guess when sex came back into the picture?

You may be lucky and it could be different, but you also may just be happy bc she is getting what she wants and not having you nag her for it either... win win for her!

While you are optimisitc, I just wanted to share my experience with this method... it was one of my last.... not for getting a divorce though, before having an affair again as that was the only other time he was happy in our marriage... I wasnt requesting sex from him and ironically we had way MORE sex with each other while I was having the affair... go figure how screwy is that?


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

To the OP:

So you said you had different sex drives prior to marriage, but followed up with that it wasnt AS different as it is now. So, it is a surprise that it has lowered after saying "I do" and that can make you feel duped (even if you still love her). You feel confused about her telling you what she wants but changing her mind.

Sometimes people give what they believe is a reasonable request but its really not.... and it may not even be the real reason... just a tangible surface way of expressing something.

Another responder here wanted to know what specifically she wants you to do other than pay attention to her outside of "wanting sex." What does that mean exactly? Does she want you to take her out to more dinner dates? Does she want something that you used to have that she misses? Does hse want something new? 

I dont believe either of you is in the wrong at this point (although my libido is saying... sex only 4-6 times a year?... really, I feel your pain). It doesnt sound like she is withholding it from you on purpose, like to punish you. (My husband used to NOt have sex with me if the coffee was not prepped for the next morning by the time he got hom from work... and he would scan the kitchen right when he walked in.... THAT is abusive like what another responded suggested). 

The situation is wrong for both of you right now bc you are both feeling deprived of something. 

Since you are the one on here seeking help, ask her "you know when you tell me I only pay attention to you if I want sex, well, Im wanting to hear what you want when sex is not in the picture, what are you feeling deprived of that makes you feel that way. I dont want you to feel that way... (women love to hear a man that last part bc we feel valued when its said).

Her sex drive may have gone down for other reasons, if it was low to begin with (just not this low), then it doesnt sound like you were truly duped. (My husband was a sex freak before we got married and then began withholding the day after we got married). If it has just gone done for other reasons, then she may need to increase it by concious choice to do the right thing for the marriage. Its not fair that the low drive spouse gets all the sympathy from others... there should be a middle ground that you both can agree on. If she wont budge, then she is creating the problem bc that would be an unwillingness to work together on the problem. My husband told our therapist 2 1/2 yrs ago that his preference would be 1-2 per week (which I would take now in a heartbeat since its dropped off so much since then) and that he would settle for 3-4 times a week.... but he was blowing smoke. He just wanted to sound good in therapy bc he didnt do it. my preference was 7-10 per week and I would settle for 3-4 times a week. So with your circumstance a more reasonable goal might be month based... 1-6 per month and then adjust it as you go.

So:

1) tell her that you dont want her to feel this way
2) ask her what things you could do that would make her feel like you are doing things not with a goal of sex in mind, you want to understand what she is saying here

3) sit down and seek a compromise of frequency

4-6 times a year is less than once a month, so pretty much anything is an improvement.


----------

