# Need to vent... husband's bad habits getting worse :(



## grayhound

Been with my husband 10 years, married for 3.

We are best friends... I love him, we laugh and have a lot of fun... but there really isn't a spark there. I always thought a solid friendship would keep us together... I was okay with any lack of passion or romance... I was never into that (I am all about respect, security and for things to be calm and quiet... I hate drama). He's very intelligent and engineer-minded and I really respect that.

For years I've put up with his eccentricities and OCD and thought a few habits were sort of cute, or that he just wasn't "domestic", but of course the bad ones have just magnified over the years.

His worst bad habit is his lack of bathing. This came up about 5 years ago and it's gotten worse. We fight about this constantly. He takes a shower once a week or less, especially if he's obsessing on a project. It's SO disgusting and I have no idea why he won't change. When confronted he doesn't know why he does it, either, but he's really embarrassed. We've been to counseling, I've tried leaving him twice... he changes for about 6 weeks then slides backwards and then gets angry at me for not wanting to be intimate (he blames me for our "lack of emotional connection"). He thinks right after a shower I should be "ready to go" because he's clean  I stopped giving oral sex over 3 years ago because I'm SO disgusted. I just won't do it. This is taking a HUGE toll on my self esteem, and his too, frankly. Why he doesn't correlate his lack of bathing to my willingness in the sack is beyond me. I'm totally compromising my standards, I would have NEVER dated a guy like this.

He doesn't lift a finger in the house and I clean even more because of his stinky-ness. If I bring it up, he gets angry. He's been depressed the last month or so, so I've been tiptoeing around this whole issue even more because he's been very sensitive about anything negative, so I've backed down on my grooming reminders. Maybe I've just given him the green light to go all out and be a total pig.

And now, he has some new doozies. I don't know if these are brand new, or the doing them in public is new. His new oddities include cleaning his earwax out with his finger into in his napkin at meals and just tonight he spent 10-15 minutes violently picking his nose in the car on our way to dinner. I was horrified. We were carrying on a full conversation while his voice was muffled because his fingers were up his nose. He was wiping it on the seat of our car and his pants. 

I just about gagged. 

He didn't notice how disgusted I was and I didn't want to say anything because he'd freak out. He touched my lower back at one point and I just about jumped out of my seat. No way I want him touching me.

How do you tell someone you are repulsed by them?!?!? How would I ever get these images out of my head???

I think he's brilliant... has great ideas, is a wealth of knowledge, is highly respected at his job but... why oh why oh why is he soooo disgusting???

I know guys can be gross, happy about their farts and smelly and all that... but not bathing for a week etc? He's just gotten worse because he certainly wasn't like this when we were dating. I deserve better and he deserves to be with someone who doesn't think he's a total pig. When I do bring it up, it's uncomfortable for everyone and things only change for a short while. I'm SO frustrated. I think I want out of this.

What would you do?


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## major misfit

Wow...it seems to me you've appealed to his greedy side by letting him know you can't have sex with someone who doesn't bathe. I would think he would bathe regularly after that.
Was he depressed before? I know that people that suffer from terrible depression tend to let their hygiene go. At any rate, a visit to the doctor would be in order to address that issue, since he's dealing with it now.
I honestly don't know what to tell you. I know me though..and if someone started furiously "digging for gold" and wiping it on the seat  , I'd have exited the car and called a cab. To heck with his freaking out...I'd have freaked out worse. Color me crazy that way. 
I can't even imagine the ear wax. Just can't fathom that. I don't know how old he is, and I'm not even sure this is a good idea....but is there a parent or sibling that could talk to him? I'm sure he'd be embarassed..but that's just really too bad. Apparently he's not embarassed enough to stop, so I'd try to get someone else to talk to him.
This is beyond guys and their farts. THAT is a "guy thing". This goes waaay beyond that. He's putting you in the position of nagging him to death to get him to stop, and that's a unfair position to put you in. Honestly, if he were mine...I'd tell him I'm not going to be the "body police"..and he had 6 months to shape up without me nagging or I'm out. I just couldn't live with that. I'd tell him to go to the doctor..counseling..anything he had to do, and I'd support him 100%...but if he didn't get this under control for GOOD, I gotta go. 
That might sound horrible, but it is what it is. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I just can't imagine what it must be like.


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## Chris Taylor

I just have to ask... didn't you see any of this the seven years before you got married?

I agree with the counseling thing. Seems to be a psychological thing.

In the meantime, "reward" his good behavior. Yeah, you may not be in the mood when he comes out of the shower, but if it is a step in the right direction to be intimate with him when he showers, why not give it a try.

Do other things like putting Q-tips in the bathroom for his ears, tissues in the car for his nose, etc... so that instead of complaining you can direct him to the proper behavior immediately.


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## WhereAmI

My vote is for counseling as well. 

My husband occasionally purposefully farts in front of me and laughs. If he accidentally let one slide I wouldn't say anything, but I don't think it's cute. I ask if he would want to get with me after I was passing gas in his presence. His answer is always no. We go a few months before his icky boy side comes out. Wash, rinse, repeat. 

I can deal with this because it's obvious that he cares about how I feel when it comes to intimacy. Your husband is completely ignoring your turn-offs and expecting you to get revved up the minute he says go. He's being selfish.

I do think you should speak up the minute he does something like picking his nose. Just make sure you're not making demands. "I really wish you wouldn't pick your nose around me. It makes me comfortable."


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## grayhound

Let's see...

about 8 years ago I realized he only took 2-3 showers a week... I said something, sheepishly at that point, and he started bathing more often. This was a cycle we got into about every 2 months. This went on for many years and in the last 3 years (after we got married), he started getting worse and lazier about bathing. We also moved to an area with high humidity, which in turn made things smellier and made me crazier. I do believe some of this is done as an act of rebellion towards me. The counselor called his lack of bathing an act of "sabotage" to our marriage. I do believe that is what it is.

I tried calendars with gold stars, email reminders, sex after shower, getting in the shower with him... but all of it didn't work. He said I was treating him like a child and/or I was being passive aggressive. The more I pushed, the more he'd rebel and claim that my disgust with him went deeper than the showering and if he DID change how would he know I would stick around etc etc. The only thing that worked were threats of me leaving. The longer I stayed with my Mom (or whomever), the longer he would maintain his cleaning habits when I came back. And the nose picking and ear wax digging has been in the last month or two. Coincidentally, as of the last few months, he's had more nose and ear hair, too. Maybe the itching is driving him mad :/? I don't even know what I'm going to do about that problem. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.

I have q-tips, tissues and everything he'd ever need in the house. I have a stack of clean washcloths ready to go... he doesn't touch them. I have no idea how he cleans himself in the shower... just shower gel and his hand? I guess that's okay... but... ugh. 

My ex boyfriend was a guy's guy who loved the outdoors, peed in the woods, and got really dirty... he would also giggle when he farted, but he was clean and always smelled good. He got regular haircuts, took daily showers and I didn't mind it when he would sweat, because he didn't stink. I don't mind the normal "boy" behavior... but I'm feeling REALLY cornered by all of this with my husband. Now that we live in a humid climate, when I smell my husband's sweat, I want to gag. I feel like it's decades of improper hygiene and lack of exercise and his body reacting to it (I feel like his body is trying to purge toxins or something). Even 24 hours after a shower, he smells "rancid" or sour to me. I'm really having nervous breakdowns about it.

Today I lost it and told him I felt cornered. That when I try to talk about the stink he gets so angry and shuts down so I've avoided bringing it up. We didn't go into detail but I said that I've been disgusted by him for years and I'm going crazy. No resolution came of it, but at least I got it out. I told him that he's my best friend and that I didn't want to hurt him, and I wouldn't be saying these things to a friend, but as a spouse it had to stop or I was gone. That I had compromised myself, looked away, swept it under the rug and made excuses for too long. He seemed receptive and sympathetic (he's very kind, reasonable and understanding otherwise... so why he's such a slob is beyond me)... so, we'll see.

Thanks so much for listening and for your input... it's VERY appreciated!


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## MarriedWifeInLove

There might be some type of mental issue to cause him to not bathe. Most people just don't get up one day and say - I don't feel like bathing anymore, brushing my teeth anymore, etc.

Counselling, visit with his doctor, etc., are definitely warranted. I can take a lot and have over the years, but my husband smelly and not bathing - there is where I draw the line.


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## WhereAmI

Stop treating him like a child. I'm willing to bet that's making the problem worse. This would mean not constantly reminding him that he hasn't bathed or that you're not attracted to him because of it. He KNOWS these things and there's no need to remind him. 

Instead you set boundaries for yourself. If his odor is an issue, you walk away. Say something like, "I'd love to be around you, but the smell is too strong. I hope we can talk later" and walk away. 

That's how I THINK I'd handle the situation, but I'll admit it seems very complicated. Hopefully someone else will chime in. I still think it's a great idea for the both of you to attend marriage counseling.


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## major misfit

HE sounds like the passive/aggressive one to me. Almost like he's "getting back" at you by doing these things b/c he KNOWS they bother you. 

I don't think it would be passive/aggressive to get OUT of the car the next time he's picking his nose and wiping it on the seat and calling a cab and going home. That would be stating a flat out refusal to be a party to that behavior. I'd be afraid to ride in the car at all..b/c I'd be afraid he was wiping something on my seat to where I'd sit on it unknowingly. PAs do that kind of crap. 

I don't know what he expects out of you. No one would tolerate this behavior, and others would sure handle it more aggressively. Right or wrong. 

I feel for you, I really do.


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## grayhound

After we got married his mother said "After I heard you two were dating I wondered, 'who was this girl who doesn't have a nose or sense of smell?'"

His Mom is sort of strange, so I dismissed it for some reason. How I didn't notice this whole problem sooner is beyond me. I feel pretty stupid about it. I think he changed his habits when we were "courting" and now he's sliding back into his high school self.

WhereAmI... good advice. I do try to ignore it, but then I just don't address it at all, I wash the sheets and his clothing more often... I just sweep it under the rug because I don't want to start any conflict.

I need to handle this differently. I like what you are saying with the calm walking away... 

I wish he could tell me WHY he's doing this. He claims he doesn't know why, but thinks it may have something to do with his parents rushing him to get out of the shower in the mornings. Or something.

This whole thing is just SO weird. I feel like I married an alien.


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## grayhound

major misfit said:


> HE sounds like the passive/aggressive one to me. Almost like he's "getting back" at you by doing these things b/c he KNOWS they bother you.
> 
> I don't think it would be passive/aggressive to get OUT of the car the next time he's picking his nose and wiping it on the seat and calling a cab and going home. That would be stating a flat out refusal to be a party to that behavior.


He claims he doesn't know he's doing it, the nose picking thing... and he's embarrassed about the not bathing thing one minute, then mad at me for bringing it up the next. He can't give me a straight answer, reason or emotion. I feel like there's some strange OCD or autism or something going on... like he needs to smell his own stink because it's comforting, or water hurts, or soap hurts or something. Whatever it is, he ain't telling me  I feel sorry for him if it's a medical condition. If he's doing it to piss me off then... ugh. Just... ugh. But again, this has been going on most of his life. I'm sort of tempted to email his Mom, but... she's not candid nor is she nurturing or normal so... I bet I shouldn't. His dad is a doctor? Maybe I can email him? :/ My gut tells me no.

The other things I've found out about him lately... he pees sitting down at home, when he's really tired he falls asleep sitting down on the toilet in the morning, he takes hour long showers yet uses very very little soap (he stands under the water and just "rocks" back and forth), he refuses to touch dryer lint and there's more oddities... but... maybe I've blocked them out.

This sounds more and more medical, huh?


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## major misfit

grayhound said:


> This sounds more and more medical, huh?


It sounds VERY emotional. He needs a therapist. Did I read that he won't see one? That would just be really too bad if he won't. That means he's going to stay like this. And honestly, if he LIKES being like this, then so be it. That puts the ball back into your court to whether you want to continue like this or not. If it's a dealbreaker. That's purely personal there.


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## grayhound

major misfit said:


> It sounds VERY emotional. He needs a therapist. Did I read that he won't see one? That would just be really too bad if he won't. That means he's going to stay like this. And honestly, if he LIKES being like this, then so be it. That puts the ball back into your court to whether you want to continue like this or not. If it's a dealbreaker. That's purely personal there.


We went to marital counseling, but he didn't open up about himself... when I was alone with the counselor and told her that he gets angry sometimes, she said "that doesn't sound like him". I think she was very charmed by him... although I told her about the bathing, she told him to work on that and it was quickly dropped. She conveyed to me that he requested more affection from me... I felt gained up on and wanted to run screaming. I guess I wasn't as honest about my emotional reactions to his filth as I could have been, too. I was painted as cold, distant and insecure. He was just labeled as a tad immature. 

New therapist. For sure.

He won't talk about his emotions... he's not that kind of guy. He thinks having emotions makes you weak. So, I hope he'd open up for someone else.


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## Draguna

Here an opinion from someon who used to bathe once every 3/4 days. Laziness and being stubborn. Now this was during the start of my highschool years and stopped quite quickly when I reached puberty and started to smell really really bad. Shortly thereafter, I met my girl, so kind of a blessing that I stopped. Now, he is used to having you there and knows you won't leave, so unconsciously, he does not care. If what worked for me was smelling myself, then just take hist dirty underwear, shove it up his mouth and ask him of he enjoys the smell. Also tell him that you do not want that when pleasuring him. 

Just be drastic. He seems to have the same character I have. Nice guy but stubborn when people try to change him. Just like me, he might need to be confronted with how bad it actually. He might get angry, but that is what changes men like me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grayhound

So after my blow up yesterday ("you have so many disgusting habits and I'm not allowed to bring them up so I'm feeling cornered and like my opinions and needs don't matter!" etc and so on), the husband isn't really talking to me. Things are tense, we've solved nothing and I feel like an a-hole for jumping down his throat about it the way I did. I need to grow up and approach it like an adult. I've been too mean about it. I just can't help but want to smack him sometimes, you know? You just get SO frustrated and SO worked up... yipes. I HATE feeling this way. I HATE when I lose it.

Draguna... I may try the "smell test" thing... I might start with his 10-year old child greasy scented pillowcase that he sleeps on every night. I haven't washed it in over a week so I'm sure it's "ripe". 

We're actually going to throw some of his old shoes out tonight... maybe I can get him to stick his nose in there (after I heat them up a bit or something equally as disgusting) so he can experience the joy of his stink up close and personal. The shoes... omg. At least he agreed to throw them out after I told him that every time he took a step, a cloud of a** smell followed him.

Either he likes it, can't smell it or can't smell at all. I, on the other hand, can't be in the same room as broccoli and can smell a dirty diaper a mile away. Certain smells just drive me insane.

Anyway, thanks for listening and thanks so much for the input everyone


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