# My Wife is leaning towards moving home / separation / divorce



## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and after reading through a number of posts, I've decided to share my story in hopes of getting some advice and support.

I'm 38 and my wife is 31. We've been together for almost six years and married almost three. Last September / October, we moved across the country (from Ontario to Alberta) so that I could accept a new job (my dream job). Without getting specific about what I do, there are only 30 jobs in the world and it's a public, fairly high-profile position. I started working (volunteering) in this field when I was 18 years old, and after spending almost two decades climbing the proverbial ladder, I finally reached my career goal last year.

On our first date, I told my to-be wife what I did for a living and what my career goals were. I also told her that with only 30 jobs in the world, I needed to be with someone who would be willing to move, potentially across the country or maybe even to the U.S., if there was an opportunity. She was on board...or at least she said that she was, or was at the time.

In the next few years, I interviewed for two jobs and didn't get either. I was starting to believe that I was never going to achieve my career goals, and I suspect that she was, too. Last summer, a job opened up and she encouraged me to apply for it. I did, with little hope that I would be successful. After I interviewed for the position, she started to change. Suddenly, she wasn't sure that she was willing to make the move. After much discussion, I told her that I would remove myself from consideration. Her response was that she wanted me to get the job and wanted to move. So, I went for the second interview and was offered the job. When I told her, she flipped out. We had some pretty intense discussions and at one point, I said that after everything that had been said, if she didn't let me accept the offer or didn't go with me, it COULD be the beginning of the end for us. That may have been the case, but I certainly wasn't threatening her. After much more discussion, she agreed to let me accept the job and make the move. Our next hurdle was telling her parents. My Wife is very close with her Mom and Dad. When we went to their house, I was ambushed. Her Mom and her Dad started screaming at me, calling me selfish and saying that I didn't care about anybody but myself. They just couldn't understand why I would want to move away from family and friends and out of our new house for a job. They said it was "just a job". Obviously, I didn't and never will see it that way.

Luckily, my Wife, who also has a good career, was transferred by her employer to the same position in our new city. They even gave her a cost-of-living increase, which was great. We travelled to our new city and purchased a house, even nicer than the one that we had just built and sold. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

The first few months that we were in Alberta, my wife seemed content. Not happy, but content. She was really trying to establish roots by trying to make new friends through work, volunteering at the SPCA and through meet-ups. She really tried. In hindsight, I probably should have told her how much I appreciated her sacrifice and how much I appreciated how hard she was trying to make it work. Things started to change around January. Even though she was doing the same job for the same company, she wasn't (isn't) as happy at work. She said there is a different "vibe" and that because we are in a larger market, people are more "cut-throat". There isn't the same community in her office in Alberta as their was in Ontario. She would come home upset almost every day. That has been one of our problems.

Another major problem is how much I have to travel for work. While I'm pretty much off all summer, from October through April or May, I am away a lot. On average, I am home (not working at home or traveling for work) 12 or 13 days a month. My Wife keeps telling me how lonely she is, even when I'm here. Even though she swore that she wouldn't resent me for accepting the job and moving across the country, she does...she's admitted it. Moving away from family and friends is hard, but on top of that, she's built a wall around herself and won't let me in. So, not only does she not have her family and friends close by, she is keeping me at arms-length. For months, it has felt more like we are roommates or friends as opposed to Husband and Wife.

I thought things were getting better and was really looking forward to my time off from work so that I could take some things off of her plate around the house and so that we could re-connect as a couple, meet new friends that would give her a support system now, and more importantly, when I go back to work. But since I've been home, things have been worse. She keeps saying that it doesn't matter what happens during the summer because I'm gone all winter. We recently went on vacation to the same place that we went from our honeymoon and other than sitting by the beach or the pool and eating meals together, she didn't want anything to do with me. I would just sit in the lobby bar by myself every night. With that said, I was trying to be supportive and understanding. A couple of days before we left, she had a panic attack at work. I took her to the hospital and they prescribed her medi cation for anxiety / depression. She has been on them for a few weeks now and seems to be calmer. She also seems a lot colder.

We have been to see a marriage counsellor a couple of times in the last month. The first time we went, my Wife finally admitted that she is angry at me for taking the job and moving. When the counsellor asked her what I could do to make her happier here, she said she didn't know. She also admitted that she had stopped trying to make it work in Alberta and wanted to move back to Ontario. When the counsellor asked me if I was willing to do that, I told her that I didn't think that was the answer because if I give up the job that I worked so hard for, I would only resent my Wife worse than she resents me for taking it and moving here. It would also leave me - and potentially her - without jobs. We would go from both having good / great careers to being unemployed and from being quite secure financially to broke and living in her parents' basement.

Since then, we've had some really good discussions and some really bad arguments. She has said things like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore", "I just want to live a normal life, I don't want to be the wife of a public figure", "I don't want to end our marriage but I don't know if I can or want to live this lifestyle anymore".

Almost everybody that we've talked to - counsellors, family members and friends, have told her that it takes a lot more than eight or nine months to start to get over homesickness and feel more comfortable. I think she gets that, but I'm not sure she wants to or is willing to keep trying.

I caught her in a couple of lies last week, although I must admit that me trying to wrap my head around what is happening led me to do something that I now regret. I couldn't help but wonder if there was someone else. I looked through the messages on my Wife's iPad and found out that she had asked her company about a position in Ontario and that she had gone to the bank. When I asked her if she had started looking for another job, she said no. When I asked her if she had an appointment at the bank, she again said no. She later admitted that she had lied. Until last week, trust was never an issue in our relationship. Now, it is for me because I caught her in a couple of lies and because I looked through her iPad. She never had a problem with me looking on her iPhone or iPad before - and the same went for my phone and tablet. Now, she said that because I did that, she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house.

On Thursday, she texted me to say that she was going to stay in a hotel this weekend. Naturally, this raised a red flag with me. She said that she was doing it to get away from my Dad (he's in town visiting and they've had some uncomfortable discussions about what's happening), and to get away from all of the conflict and tension so that she can think. She swears that she hasn't cheated on me.

Before she left yesterday, we had a really constructive three-hour chat. We were both very calm and level-headed. She told me about all of the things that have and continue to bother her. In addition to being so far from her family and friends, she also has some issues with me. There are no major issues, but a number of minor ones. She said that if we lived in Ontario, the issues wouldn't be as big of a deal and certainly wouldn't have her considering separation / divorce. She feels like because of my career, she's had to give up so much of who she is - mainly the relationships with her family and friends. By the way, she has flown back to Ontario four or five times since we moved to Alberta, her Mom has been here twice, her Dad and Grandma have een here once.

At the end of our conversation, I asked her what her best-case scenario was. Her response was saving the marriage and finding a way to be happy and live a fulfilling life here, with me. She added that she didn't know if she could do it. 

I believe that my wife loves me...I just don't know if she loves me enough to make the sacrifices necessary to stay here. I have told her that we may not be here forever. Things change. A lot of things can happen in the field that I work in. And who knows, if we get our marriage back on track and decide to start a family, which is really important to both of us, maybe I will decide that my job keeps me away from my Wife and kids too much, and change careers. I don't know what the future holds professionally. Personally, I love my wife with all of my heart. She is my best friend. I want to save our marriage and rebuild our relationship so badly. The thought of losing her kills me.

I don't know what to think or what to do or not to do. Any experiences, guidance and advice would be much appreciated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe your life goals are incompatible. She may have thought she could do this but she's realizing she can't, and due to the limited job opportunities things will tend to always be about you. 

Extensive travel is terrible for a marriage, but especially for someone like her who gave up her support system and now doesn't even have her hb around a lot of the time. In that sense she's ripe for attention from someone else.

You speak of sacrifice on her end but what exactly do you sacrifice for this marriage? It would seem very little. 

You've essentially chosen your career first and that's ok, you're entitled to do that. It just may mean that your marriage fails because the marriage must meet the needs of both parties and this setup isn't meeting her needs. 

So if your wife is unhappy here and you need to make a choice what will it be? This might be your sacrifice. 

It happens that peoples' goals become incompatible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi lifeistooshort,

Thanks for your reply. You make some excellent points. I believe that she thought that she could make it work, but it's not working. I prefer to think that it's not working YET. Our marriage counsellor tried to convince my Wife that it takes more time to adjust to moving across the country and away from family and friends. She didn't think that eight months was enough time and neither do I.

As for sacrifices that I make, I've told her that I will do whatever it takes to make her happy here. For example, she has a long commute to work, so I told her that we could sell our house (which I love) and move closer to her office. Is giving up my career and moving back to Ontario the only sacrifice that I can make? If so, is that really the answer? My fear is that if I was to do that, I'm going to resent her as much, if not more, than she resents me. On top of that, neither one of us will have a job. Because I've been focused on achieving my very specific career goal for more than half of my life, changing careers at the age of 38 would be quite a challenge. Finances are also very important to my Wife, so going from having two well-paying jobs to none would add a lot more stress to an already difficult situation.

There are things that we can both do to make her life better here. I didn't realize it until recently, but I simply wasn't doing enough. All I'm hoping for is a chance to do those things and some time to do those things. I guess I'm also asking her to start to take down the wall that she's built between us and to be open-minded about being happy here.

I'm on a multi-year contract, so leaving now really isn't an option. The plan was to move to Alberta for the length of the contract and then re-evaluate things. If she's not happy when the contract is up, we would then explore our options. I just don't think that walking away from a six-year relationship and a three-year marriage after eight months of being homesick is the right thing to do. I value our marriage more than that and don't believe that we should give up on it until we have exhausted every option to fix our problems.

Anyway, thanks for your reply...your thoughts on how our goals don't seem to line-up really have me thinking.
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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> * I just don't think that walking away from a six-year relationship and a three-year marriage after eight months of being homesick is the right thing to do. * I value our marriage more than that and don't believe that we should give up on it until we have exhausted every option to fix our problems./QUOTE]
> 
> I agree, but it sounds like more than that to me. I'm very curious about what you actually do for a living. If you're in politics, for instance, not every woman would be cut out for that.....few would, actually. (Still, she knew going in what your goal was).
> 
> It is quite clear that your career is your #1 priority in life. And that you want a wife who is willing to take a back seat to that. She doesn't sound like that kind of woman.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi SecondTime,

You probably won't believe me when I say this (my Wife doesn't), but even though my career is very important to me, my Wife is MORE important. Everything in my life, including my career, lose meaning without being able to share them with my Wife. If she would have said I can't move to Alberta, I would have been upset but I believe I would have gotten over it because I would have still had a good job and career aspirations. She told me that she wanted me to take it and wanted to move and eight months later everything has changed. If I were to give up my career and move back to Ontario, I would have to look for a new career at the age of 38 and I'm really not trained to do anything else. Even though I know that my marriage is more important than my career, I'm starting to understand why my Wife doesn't believe that...because both people who've replied see it the same way that she does.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You said that if your wife goes back to Ontario, she would no longer have a job. Couldn't she transfer within the company she's with now?

While your wife did agree to the job and move, she was clearly unsure about it, even unhappy. For some people who have strong ties to one area, moving is difficult. She probably had no idea how difficult it would be. Then throw in that her job is not going well. 

So what does she have now? A husband who is hardly ever home. A job that is not good. No family or friends locally. Your wife is struggling emotionally with all this. It seems that you have a problem empathizing with her. Instead you are looking her problems from your own perspective. For you 8 months is not enough. Apparently you are just fine spending very little time with your wife and seem to have your needs filled even though you are not with her much. Well, she's not you . And she has found out that she cannot handle the current situation.

You say that you think that with just 8 months in, it's too early to give up and you value your marriage more than that. Perhaps you value your marriage. But you are not showing that you are even trying to really understand your wife's point of view and what she is going through. Your marriage and your wife are two different entities. You might want to explore your thoughts about them individually. Instead of hearing and feeling what your wife is saying, you are on the defensive and trying to tell her that what she feels is not really valid.. only what you feel/think is.

You say that you want to start a family. Since you are not home a good part of the time, your wife will have the major responsibility. She would be alone during most of her pregnancy. Then she will be the primary care giver of your child. She will also have to do most household chores, and keeping her job. This means that she will have to put aside the desire she has to get ahead in her career. If the two of you can afford a fulltime nanny and housekeeper, she might be ok.

This is what happened to me. I had to give up promotions and the most interesting assignments because my husband was not a partner in our marriage. He pursued his interests, traveled a lot. I was left with the children the house, and my job. He and I earned about the same amount. But somehow his job, his ambitions were more important than mine. We are no longer married. This was one of the issues.

What happens after the end of this contract? What would be your next career move? My bet is that it will require yet another move. Your wife is probably looking ahead and realizing that she will have to move again to who knows where in 6 years.

You have every right to want to pursue the career you want. Your wife has the same right. I'm not sure how you resolve this except for doing a lot of communication. It would do you well to drop the defensiveness and really hear what she is telling you, feel it. That might be enough to get her to try more.

When you are defensive, what you do is to put up a wall and through that wall tell your spouse why she is wrong and shy your way is the right way.

Listen to her. Empathize with her. 

There used to be a guy named David Viscott. He was a therapist who wrote a lot of books and had a radio show a long time ago. It was quite a loss when he died too young. Two things that he used to say that apply here are... 



In all things come from love. You will never go wrong if you do.
In a marriage each person should be able to do what they love. The marriage should support both in this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, it sounds like you have a very good and interesting career. Surely there is a way that you can both have what you want. I would hate to see you give it up.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Hi SecondTime,
> 
> You probably won't believe me when I say this (my Wife doesn't), but even though my career is very important to me, my Wife is MORE important. Everything in my life, including my career, lose meaning without being able to share them with my Wife. If she would have said I can't move to Alberta, I would have been upset but I believe I would have gotten over it because I would have still had a good job and career aspirations. She told me that she wanted me to take it and wanted to move and eight months later everything has changed. If I were to give up my career and move back to Ontario, I would have to look for a new career at the age of 38 and I'm really not trained to do anything else. Even though I know that my marriage is more important than my career, I'm starting to understand why my Wife doesn't believe that...because both people who've replied see it the same way that she does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You will regret this tremendously. You are willing to give up everything you have worked towards, so as to make your wife happy? Anything can happen over the next several years. What happens if you quit your career, move back, and then she never gets back to loving you. What if she then has an affair and leaves? You would feel like a real idiot for giving it all up for a woman. 

There are no assurances in life, let alone a marriage.

NEVER LET A WOMAN INTERRUPT YOUR LIFE'S MISSION.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I have actually been through almost exactly this situation, but on your W's side. It is corrosive to the relationship and can result in lifelong resentment and hurt.

The problem, as I see it, is that she doesn't feel that she is in control of her own life. She didn't make the decision to move; she only acquiesced for you. In essence, she felt between a rock and a hard place & couldn't say no to you, but really, really dreaded the move. As a result, she hasn't been able to embrace the positive at all about her new situation & it enrages her inside to see you feeling good about it.

The thing is, I'm sure that she will feel that she has made the absolute wrong decision if she either goes back home without you or forces you to go back.

What we wound up doing was negotiating a compromise. We set an end date to our time in the place that we had moved to. My H respected the compromise and we moved after he had given his job enough years to represent a respectable tenure. Knowing that we were not looking at an open-ended commitment to a place that I was unhappy in gave me a measure of control that helped me tremendously. By the time we left, I had come to a much fairer opinion of the place we were living in. I still did not want to retire there, but I was far from reflexively critical.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi EleGirl,

Thanks for your reply.

The person I replaced held the job for 30+ years...there isn't a lot of turnover in the position that I'm in. The only reasons I would move again are:
1) If I was fired (unlikely, I hope!)
2) If one of the other 30 jobs in the world, closer to our hometown, became available (there is a chance this will happen - sooner or later)
3) If at the end of my contract my Wife has given it her best shot and we decide that it isn't working
4) If my Wife and I get out marriage back on track, start a family, and I realize that I don't want to be away from my Wife and child(ren) so much

I'm doing my best to try to understand what she's going through. I know she's lonely, which sucks! I have tried to help make it better and I have failed. The truth is, I didn't realize things were so bad. In hindsight, I should have tried harder. I've started to...I hope it's not too late.

I honestly don't know if it will ever be great for her here...but I am 100% sure that it can be better. I feel responsible for making it better, but she has to let me.

I know she really misses her family and friends. With that said, if she is willing to let me in, I think she would be a lot less lonely. She admits that she's put up a protective wall around her. I'm trying to get close to her, emotionally and physically, and she won't let me. I want to be her rock, her constant. I want her to know that I'm always there, even when I'm not there physically. I've tried and continue to try to facilitate introductions with people that I work with so that she has some friends and a support system here. I will literally do anything to make her happy here. If at the end of the day she tries and fails to be happy here at the end of my contract, we will have a decision to make together. I'm just asking her to give me a chance. I'm home all summer and I think that we could build our relationship and a social network before I start to travel again that would make year one easier / better than year two. I want her to be happy again - for her and for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

ahhh careers and wives. Both are overrated. Quit one and divorce the other. 


On a serious note, Alberta is quite a miserable place. I have yet to meet an Ontarian who says good things about the oil patch areas. I honestly don't see how your wife could ever feel happy there. 

I don't think moving back to Ontario is the answer though. Sounds like she married an image of you instead of YOU. That image is not materializing for her and she's eventually going to leave you, be it in Ontario or Alberta.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi Alte Dame,

I think you've hit the nail on the head. My Wife has told me that since she moved to Alberta for me, I should be willing to move back to Ontario for her. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. We both had good jobs in Ontario. We both have good jobs in Alberta (she has the same position with the same company, I work in the same industry at a higher level and earn twice what I was making). Finances are important to both of us, especially my Wife. For the first time in our relationship, we really don't have to worry about money. If we moved back to Ontario, she may be able to get transferred back (right now, it isn't an option). I would more than likely have to pursue another career. Finances would certainly be a huge issue...not that money is everything, because having money and a nice house and nice cars isn't making us happy right now.

I have spent A LOT of time reading articles and message boards the last few weeks searching for answers, advice etc. I've also spent a lot of time on the phone with counsellors, trying to figure out what all the issues are and what I can do to better myself and our marriage. The one thing that I keep hearing is that there has been a shift in the balance of power in our relationship. My wife always made more money than me, which I thought was great because it all went in the same pot! This year was the first that I made more money than her. She told me that bothered her, which at the time baffled me, but I kind of understand it now. Because my job makes me a public figure (not a politician), people at work are always asking her what I think of this or that. She doesn't seem to mind when she can use it to her advantage professionally, but personally I think it bothers her. She feels like she's not my equal even though that's certainly not the way I feel about her. I get why she would feel that way especially because we moved across the country for my career. The big question is - how do I make that up to her? Is the only way to give up my career and move back to Ontario? Right now, I just don't see how that would make things better for us. I have told her that I have not closed the door on someday loving back to Ontario. There are a number of scenarios where that could happen and we could both be happy...just not right now. I even suggested as a last resort that we could sell our big house and buy two smaller, less-expensive places - one in Alberta and one in Ontario. She could live on Ontario most of the year and visit me when I am working both in Alberta and when traveling, and I could return to Ontario for the summer. To be honest, I really don't like this idea...but I like it a hell of a lot better than losing my Wife! The way I see it, if we could get our marriage back to where it should be, where we should live might sort itself out one way or another.

The bottom line is I don't want to lose my wife. She means the world to me and everything else seems meaningless without her. I also don't want to give up my career and move back to Ontario and then lose my Wife anyway...I'm not sure how I would bounce back from that.

My Wife has told me that she feels like she's trapped and has lost control of her life. With her talking about divorce, I feel helpless, like there is nothing that I can do to make her happy. Truthfully, I'm not sure that agreeing to move back to Ontario would do the trick! Could this be a way for her to balance the power in our relationship? 

I'm really hurting right now. I hate that she's so unhappy. I hate that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I hate that I'm fighting so hard for us and she seems so indifferent about what happens (she suggested that her anxiety / depression medication may be partly to blame for her "coldness"). The thought of losing her tears me apart inside. I constantly want to break down and cry but I'm doing by best to hold it together so that I can think clearly, appear strong and work towards a solution. 

Sometimes I think she wants me to either give her a really good reason to end the marriage or leave me twisting in the wind long enough that I get fed up and do it for her. 

She has spent theast couple of nights in a hotel (with our dog). I miss them both and can't wait for them to come back tomorrow. I know that my dog will be happy to see me. I hope that my Wife is, too. I also hope that after spending a couple of days alone with her thoughts, that she chooses me and our marriage and not separation and divorce. Please cross your fingers for me and keep the feedback and advice coming...it is much appreciated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Synthetic,

We live between Calgary and Banff...one of the most beautiful places in the world. I have the same job that I did the day we met...just at a higher level now. For better or worse, I'm pretty much the same guy (although she's made me a better guy over the years), so I don't think she was fooled there.

I hope you're wrong about her divorcing me...but I fear that you're probably right. In the mean time, I'm going to keep trying to make her happy and remind her why she fell in love with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

All the elements are there CC. Forget the career for a second. You have an unhappy wife, a homesick wife, a wife who says she loves you but is not in love with you, you have a lonely wife and finally an absentee husband. All the ingredients for a walk away wife are there. You don't mention the frequency or quality of sex. Put all this in a big pot and stir it up and you get Meryl Streep leaving Dustin Hoffman.

You have some big and painful _Kramer v. Kramer _elements here.

You have a long difficult road to follow.


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## Serena-- (Jun 7, 2015)

Hi I was at the exact same situation your wife is now at the same age. Only that husband and me moved across the world after our wedding for his new job which was what he had dreamt of doing - and I gave up my job as I couldn't find one from overseas but had hope to find a new one at our new destiny. It was very very VERY tough for me (not for my husband). We had already problems with my in laws and now I lost my family and friends circle which made me feel lost and because my husband liked the new place so much and I couldn't share this feeling at all I also built a wall around me for some time. Though I did try to let him in but I could not adjust to the new place at all. After six months of not being able to adjust husband gave me the choice of choosing to move back anytime. and he meant it - he was not blaming me or anything he just thought I would be happy here with him and he didn't think of how hard it will be for me. After that long talk I kind of had some relieve, I felt now I can CHOOSE to be here and this totally changed how I felt compared to before when I felt that I HAD to be here no matter what as if I had no other option. With this option husband showed me I am more important than his career and it did make a huge difference. I told myself to hang in there for another 6 months and see how it is going - I didn't have anything to lose. After another six months with much effort to find new friends and socialise I thought give it another year and now after almost three years I have a good circle of friends and a job I am happy in.

I believe that happiness is not connected to a specific city or country, one can find happiness in a small town or big city or hometown or anywhere - it just depends on how to manage it. To me London is my home, I didn't grow up there, my parents are not from London (not even uk originally) but the time I lived there I made it my home. You can make any place home. 

I think your wife just needs to feel assured she actually comes before your career, maybe if she has that feeling you WOULD if she couldn't bear it any longer, move back with her without blaming her, maybe then she would see how much more important she is than this new job and maybe then she would try to make it work. But now she might feel trapped - if she stays she is unhappy and if she thinks about moving you would blame her for everything that comes with the move. 
I do agree with you though that this job opportunity seems great and I would not want to lose it either. The only thing I would consider is how to spend more time with your wife once she gets pregnant and how to make her feel priority and respect her wishes.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't see how the job you describe is compatible with a family. As ele pointed out it seems worth it to you to be away from her for long periods of time, so perhaps your emotional needs are different. At this point your wife is a convenience to be enjoyed when you're not focused on work. 

Your job isn't working for your marriage and isn't going to work for a family. Period. This happens. There was a time in my life where I thought I was going to work for SETI, if you don't know what that is Google it. But moving out there and hanging by the array all the time wouldn't be compatible with an family. And guess what? I got into my current career at 37, and it's going very well.

How are you going to start a family, when as ele pointed you won't be there most of the time and everything will fall to her? How is that fair?

Of course you think it's too soon, everything about this is working for you except am unhappy wife. If you'll resent her for giving up a job that's so obviously not good for a marriage and family then perhaps you either don't need to be married or you need someone who's ok existing for your work. That's not meant to be harsh, it's just that if you really understood how incompatible this is with family life you'd make the decision on your own, if family life is really what you wanted. The fact that you'd feel resentful tells me that family is not your priority. 

As I said before that's ok, no crime in choosing your career. It just may mean that you can't have everything you want at the expense of your wife. Honestly, if she were here I'd tell her to cut her losses now before she has kids and find someone for whom family life is a priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

lifeistooshort,

With all due respect, you're pretty judgemental and harsh. I had the exact same job when we met - the only difference is that because I was at a lower level, I had additional responsibilities and made half the money. What has changed is that not when I'm traveling, my Wife doesn't have family and friends nearby to help fill the void. She never had a problem with me being away in Ontario...we would miss each other, of course, but it wasn't a problem. My Wife told me on Friday that if we were in Ontario, there is no way she would be thinking about leaving the marriage. We have our issues but other than being in Alberta, there are no major ones.

As for starting a family, who are you to tell me that isn't a priority for me?!?! Almost every single person that does the job that I do have a family. They make it work. Yes, Inwould be away more that I want to be and more than my Wife and child(ren) would want me to be during the winter...but I'm off all summer, so that would allows me to pick up some of the slack that my Wife has to pick up during the winter.

I came here to look for answers and to get advice and support...not to be judged. My Wife knew what I did for a living and what my career goals were literally from the first day that we met. I know that she made a huge sacrifice moving out here. If she will let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to her. I'm not sure why you feel the need to be so nasty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Serena,

Thank you for sharing your story and offering some advice. The plan from the beginning was to try it here for three years (the length of my contract) and then go from there. If she is open to trying to make it work here for the next two years, I am open to potentially giving up my career if she's still miserable then. 

I'm so happy to hear that things have worked out for you. You have given me some much-needed hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I apologize if I come across nasty, I do tend to be blunt this way. It's really not my intent....If you knew my family you'd understand. Every now and again I wonder if I have a touch of Asperger's.....

Look, plenty of people make lots of things work but that doesn't mean many are happy and it doesn't mean everyone can. I'm ex military and while lots of people make military marriage work many can't and even with the ones who do many are unhappy. I've seen it first hand.

Your wife may well be one that can't do it. She's currently staying in a hotel, this suggests she may not be one of the ones who can "make this work". I know I wouldn't be able to, and I've been both a soldier and military wife so I've seen both sides of that. 

Your being around during the summer isn't going to make up for the fact that you're gone half the year, it's going to interfere with your marital bond and already has. I get this isn't what you want to hear but it doesn't change anything. One of the issues that military families face with separations is that they essentially get used to being apart so it's very difficult to relearn to live together and they can't maintain that bond. Soldiers leave, family gets used to not having them there, soldier comes back, much time has to be spent trying to rebuild the bond and merging lives again, soldier leaves again. Happens all the time.....you're going to have a version of this if you don't already. 


As far as the priorities, you said yourself you'd be resentful if you gave up this job. That does suggest it is your priority or the idea that you may have to give it up for her and said family wouldn't inspire resentment. Think about it.

But if you're really wiling to set a time table and then be open to giving it up maybe you can work something out with her. Hopefully by then you'll still have something left to work with.

I will leave now. Best of luck to you.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

I'm not gone half the year. Even when I'm traveling, I'm still in Alberta an average of 20 days a month and 12 or 13 of those days are off days for me. I'm not in the military and gone for weeks or months at a time...I can't imagine how difficult that would be on everybody involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

No Husband is perfect (I'm certainly not). No Wife is perfect. No marriage is perfect. My Wife and I had a great three-hour discussion on Friday. We both agreed that there are a number of things that we can do individually and as a couple to make things better in Alberta. The question is - will that be good enough? We don't know the answer. I feel like we need to know the answer to that question. I am fully prepared to do everything that I can to be a better person and a better husband. If we both give it everything that we've got and it still doesn't work, then it's decision time. Move back to Ontario or stay in Alberta or separate. But in my opinion, we shouldn't walk away from each other unless we've truly given it everything that we have. If we do, I feel like we'll have huge regrets. The grass isn't always greener...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When I was going through this, I hadn't left family and friends really. We weren't leaving 'home' to be in the new place; we had lived in other places, I was pretty independent from family and did most things on my own at that point. I had two babies at home and my career.

It was just that I really didn't want to be in that new culture and I felt trapped - trapped because I loved my H and wanted him to have opportunity, but really, very seriously, felt bad being in that place.

My H also travelled a lot and was super ambitious. I had a very good job. But I was internally angry, not just at my H, but at myself for having agreed to make the move. I felt unhappy, selfish, selfless, aggrieved, negative, overly critical, you name it. Mainly, I thought it was ludicrous that I was basically a very fortunate person who had much to be grateful for & here I was angry and moping all the time. Yet, I felt self-righteous at the same time.

It was my H's dream job as well. Ironically, the job he found when we left became his next dream job. And then we moved to where we are now for the next dream job.

My daughter recently went through a similar experience and I talked to her about the issue of control. She was given the opportunity to make her own choice after feeling forced to move. She made the choice to stay and her negative feelings lessened after that.

Perhaps you can tell your wife to honestly propose a solution. She should really think about it carefully. Tell her you are open to anything she proposes. Give her control of her own process. If she is open to it and proposes something thoughtful, you should consider it seriously.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

She thought she could handle the move, but it wasn't what she expected. She wants to be supportive of you, but it's draining the life out of her. It's not her fault, it's not your fault, it's just the way things turned out despite both your plans and hopes. Something does have to change.

If your career has you travelling a LOT and only home for set periods of time even when you are in Alberta, why can't your home base be in Ontario, where your wife is happy, and you keep a tiny apartment, or room with a colleague, or just live in a hotel for those times when you do have to be in Alberta?

She could return to her friends, family, the branch of the company she liked better and be happy in Ontario during your absences. You could just fly in and out of wherever you need to be. From what you describe, it doesn't sound like it would be that much different for you, but it would make a world of difference to her. Especially if raising a family is going to be in your future!

You are a _insert-rare-vocation-here_, that's who you are. That's who she married. She shouldn't expect you to give that up, because you would just end up miserable because you aren't following your passion. But you can be thinking outside the box about how to maintain both career and marriage.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi Hopeful Cynic,

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately, that really isn't an option. For my job, I have no choice but to fly in and out of Alberta. I know that I'm being vague but I'm home more that I'm making clear. When I say I'm in Alberta, that means I'm home...but there are days when I have to go to work from early in the morning until late at night, so I only see my Wife at the start of the day and the end of the day.

As a last resort, I did suggest that we could sell our big house and buy two smaller ones - one in Ontario and one in Alberta. She could stay in Ontario and visit me in Alberta from time-to-time the months that I have to work. She could also meet me when I'm traveling for some "mini-vacations". When my work comes to an end in the spring, I could return to Ontario for the summer. She didn't like that idea. Believe me - I have been searching for potential solutions and middle ground. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thinsection (Jun 10, 2015)

To my mind, your wife has a high degree of emotional dependency, which she apparently needs constantly re-enforced by family, co-workers and spouse, none of whom are much available in your current circumstance. This situation can only be rectified by her building a new life in Alberta, or by running home to her old life with the hope that it is still there. Either way, her situation is out of your control.

If it were me in your shoes, I would put my career first, and give the wife the freedom to choose what is best for her. Be prepared to lose her though - I'm not convinced that she has grown up.

Best


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

There is not time for you and your wife to meet each others needs with that kind of travel. Maybe if she traveled with you, or you took a job downgrade for the sake of your marriage. It sounds to me as though you have to choose between a family or a lucrative career. This situation cannot sustain itself without you two drifting apart, or even choosing someone else to meet your separate needs by slipping into an affair. I wish you luck!


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi thinsection,

Thanks a lot for your reply. There is a history of mental health issues on both sides of my Wife's family. My Wife is a lot like her Dad. As a matter of fact, until his recent retirement, they both worked for the same company. He has had high anxiety and panic attacks at work. She has high anxiety (she is on depression medication) and had a panic attack at work a few weeks ago. Her Mom has really tried to support our marriage and encourage my Wife to "stick with it". Her Dad has done the opposite, telling her that she "deserves better / more", etc. I wish he'd stay out of it. I think he's being selfish because he wants his daughter to move back home.

I take a great deal of responsibility for the state of my marriage. I have a very demanding job for seven months a year (I'm off for most of the other five months). We moved away from her family and friends for my career. Even though I haven't been a bad husband, I haven't been a good enough one. I should have tried harder to make her happy here. I'm doing that now, and hope that it's not too late.

On Friday, my Wife and I had a really great and honest discussion. She admitted that the biggest reason why we are where we are is that she was not honest with herself, and in-turn me. While she was outwardly supportive of my career goals from day one, inwardly, she never believed that it would become a reality because there are only 30 jobs in the world. She has said that it's not that she thought that I wasn't good enough, she just thought that politics would get in the way. Until last summer, she was right.

She really tried to make it work here for a few months. She's since stopped trying. At the end of our discussion the other day, I asked her what her best-case scenario was. Her response was to find a way to make our marriage work. She said that she loves me. I believe her. The question is - does she love me enough to make sacrifices in other areas of her life, at least for a while? Well, she stayed in a hotel the last two nights. She did so for a couple of reasons. 1) My Dad was in town for a visit and there was a lot of tension between them
2) She wanted to spend some time alone with her thoughts so that she could figure out what is most important to her and what her limits are
I hope there isn't another reason (if you know what I mean). Even though I didn't like it at first, I gave her my blessing hoping that some time away would give her some clarity. My fear is that it will give her the clarity to leave me, but if that's what she wants, I can't stop her. She should be home in a couple of hours. My gut tells me that she's going to say that she can't do it anymore and that she wants to move back to Ontario ASAP. I hope my gut is wrong. It almost never is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thinsection (Jun 10, 2015)

>to "stick with it". Her Dad has done the opposite, telling her that she "deserves better / more", etc. I wish he'd stay out of it. I think he's being selfish because he wants his daughter to move back home.

Classic co-dependency. Not a terrible thing, but difficult to solve using Skype. This is really the root of the problem.

>husband, I haven't been a good enough one. I should have tried harder to make her happy here. I'm doing that now, and hope that it's not too late.

Not your job. It's never a good plan to turn your spouse into a project. While it's important to be accessible and available, in the end only you can make yourself happy. 

>can't stop her. She should be home in a couple of hours. My gut tells me that she's going to say that she can't do it anymore and that she wants to move back to Ontario ASAP. I hope my gut is wrong. It almost never is.

That wouldn't be a terrible thing. It may not turn out the way she imagines, however. I know a couple that lives across the continent from each other, that fly to meet up a couple of weekends a month. It wouldn't work if there were kids involved, but it is quite doable otherwise. It required two independent minded people however 

I've known couples that have moved to Alberta, and couples that have moved here from Alberta, and they report that the transition is difficult, but manageable if one puts in the effort (all have remained in their "new" homes for the time being).

Best


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Hi thinsection,
> 
> Thanks a lot for your reply. There is a history of mental health issues on both sides of my Wife's family. My Wife is a lot like her Dad. As a matter of fact, until his recent retirement, they both worked for the same company. He has had high anxiety and panic attacks at work. She has high anxiety (she is on depression medication) and had a panic attack at work a few weeks ago. Her Mom has really tried to support our marriage and encourage my Wife to "stick with it". Her Dad has done the opposite, telling her that she "deserves better / more", etc. I wish he'd stay out of it. I think he's being selfish because he wants his daughter to move back home.
> 
> ...


If you're thinking she may be cheating, I see no red flags here. If she were cheating there'd be no question of her leaving her lover, she'd stay right where she is and spend every minute of your absence with him. She'd be thrilled that you're gone so much. I wouldn't even bother to investigate.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi NF,

Thanks for the reply. I tend to agree with you. My only concern is that there may be someone else in Ontario. She has traveled back home four or five times in the last seven months and has attended a couple of work conferences / events. I'm probably being paranoid, but every scenario has and continues to cross my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Hi NF,
> 
> Thanks for the reply. I tend to agree with you. My only concern is that there may be someone else in Ontario. She has traveled back home four or five times in the last seven months and has attended a couple of work conferences / events. I'm probably being paranoid, but every scenario has and continues to cross my mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Opportunity is not a red flag. However, you could do a check of the phone records to see if there's a number she's calling or texting frequently. If so, find out whose it is. If not, let the idea go. She's got enough reason to feel like she does without having to search for more.

It looks like your garden variety case of homesickness. If she's not willing to put the time and effort into making a home there with you then you have to wonder just how into you she is.

If she's willing to divorce you over moving away from her family I'd suggest you go ahead and do it and next time marry a grown up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> The problem, as I see it, is that she doesn't feel that she is in control of her own life. She didn't make the decision to move; she only acquiesced for you.


I disagree. He told her ON THE FIRST DATE that he would likely have to take a job in another area, and she AGREED that that was ok with her. Had she told him then that she would absolutely never leave her parents, he wouldn't have continued to date her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nucking Futs said:


> Opportunity is not a red flag. However, you could do a check of the phone records to see if there's a number she's calling or texting frequently.
> 
> It looks like your garden variety case of homesickness. If she's not willing to put the time and effort into making a home there with you then you have to wonder just how into you she is.
> 
> If she's willing to divorce you over moving away from her family I'd suggest you go ahead and do it and next time marry a grown up.


Agreed. Check the phone records today. Check for tons of texts to the same number, that's how most affairs go on these days.

And I'm frankly not pleased with her LACK of effort at trying out a new place. I get being close to family, but they shouldn't be your sole support. Grownups LEARN to make due in new environments, but she has parents who are so entangled in her life that she isn't even allowing herself to grow up.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> I disagree. He told her ON THE FIRST DATE that he would likely have to take a job in another area, and she AGREED that that was ok with her. Had she told him then that she would absolutely never leave her parents, he wouldn't have continued to date her.


She agreed, but didn't really agree. She thought she could, but when it came down to it, she couldn't

It's not as simple as saying, 'Yes, I agree.' You don't know what you will feel when it happens. You can't predict the internal conflict that arises.

I lived this. I agreed because I loved my H and wanted him to be happy. I was adaptable, generally. I didn't predict how much I would not want to live in the place we landed in.

It is what it is. You can say all you want that 'she agreed, so it's on her,' but life is messier than that. They both have wanted to please the other and this time what they can and can't do for one another is not in sync.

I think it is a matter of control. She thinks she moved for him. No matter what she said earlier, this is driving her crazy and pissing her off. For his part, he is gobsmacked because he thinks they were all set with this decision. He can act on that belief and proceed on principle, but I predict that the gulf between them will only widen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's fine. But he should not therefore have to give UP that career he so clearly stated was so important to him. IMO, he should let her go and let her go be with her parents, and find someone more compatible.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> That's fine. But he should not therefore have to give UP that career he so clearly stated was so important to him. IMO, he should let her go and let her go be with her parents, and find someone more compatible.


I find this unnecessarily harsh and not grounded in experience.

I could have left. My H could have 'let me go,' but we worked HARD to find a compromise that would work as well as possible for his career and for my life. We stayed in a place that was hard for me for seven years, long enough, we thought, to make his job experience credible and valuable. I stayed for him; he left for me.

Compromise instead of divorce. It's easy to say 'he should just let her leave.' I'm glad I didn't give up so easily.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what kind of compromise do you suggest when the two people vehemently want to live on opposite sides of the country?


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

My Wife got home about three hours ago. I have her a hug and told her that I was really happy the have her home. She said that she hates being here. I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said that is one of the reasons why she hates being here...so I said okay and went outside to cut the grass to run some errands. One of her complaints was that I don't put her needs before mine. I've been trying to do that this weekend by giving her my blessing to stay in a hotel, but letting her take our dog and now by giving her space when all I want to do is talk, find out what she's thinking and try to start solving some problems. I've spent the last couple hours cleaning the house, doing laundry and making her favourit dinner (jerk chicken pasta). I might run her a bubble bath a little later...thoughts ladies? I'm going to give her space and kill her with kindness by doing some little things for her and see how she reacts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, too much. Just be in the same house with her, no pressure. All that stuff is kissing up and women hate that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> My Wife got home about three hours ago. I have her a hug and told her that I was really happy the have her home. She said that she hates being here. I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said that is one of the reasons why she hates being here...so I said okay and went outside to cut the grass to run some errands. One of her complaints was that I don't put her needs before mine. I've been trying to do that this weekend by giving her my blessing to stay in a hotel, but letting her take our dog and now by giving her space when all I want to do is talk, find out what she's thinking and try to start solving some problems. I've spent the last couple hours cleaning the house, doing laundry and making her favourit dinner (jerk chicken pasta). I might run her a bubble bath a little later...thoughts ladies? I'm going to give her space and kill her with kindness by doing some little things for her and see how she reacts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My opinion is that you approach her with a concrete proposal. You affirm that you love her, that you want your marriage to work, and that her happiness is important to you.

You say that you know that she knows your career is important to you and that she feels trapped by that. You ask her to take some time to come up with her own compromise solution. Tell her that you will do your best to honor any compromise that you both agree on.

My H and I wrote out a contract that basically said that I would stay in the disputed place for X number of years and that in year Y, he would search for another job so that we could move. I didn't stipulate where we would move to. I really wanted a commitment to leave the place we were in and would consider many other places to go.

Having the agreement that his job was not open-ended and that I was not facing the 'stay there for the rest of my life or divorce' dichotomy improved my psychology tremendously.

FTR, this sort of problem is endemic in certain fields. I have seen it in other couples a lot. Hammering out a compromise is essential if the marriage is to last. Otherwise, the bad feelings of the unhappy spouse are toxic to the relationship.

Also FTR, we weren't dealing with 'all the way across the country.' We were in another country, with a different culture.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> My Wife got home about three hours ago. I have her a hug and told her that I was really happy the have her home. She said that she hates being here. I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said that is one of the reasons why she hates being here...so I said okay and went outside to cut the grass to run some errands. One of her complaints was that I don't put her needs before mine. I've been trying to do that this weekend by giving her my blessing to stay in a hotel, but letting her take our dog and now by giving her space when all I want to do is talk, find out what she's thinking and try to start solving some problems. I've spent the last couple hours cleaning the house, doing laundry and making her favourit dinner (jerk chicken pasta). I might run her a bubble bath a little later...thoughts ladies? I'm going to give her space and kill her with kindness by doing some little things for her and see how she reacts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She hates it in Alberta. She knows she said she'd try but she hates it. She doesn't want to talk about it because it wrecks the whole future you guys had planned for each other. She's trying very hard not to turn hating Alberta into hating your job into hating you. Talking to you just reminds her of this.

Doing all these nice things for her just makes her feel worse, because she's operating on guilt that she hates Alberta when she promised she'd live there. She never expected this job to come through for you so her promise was empty words to herself. I would just hold her, assure her there has to be a compromise you guys can reach together if you just brainstorm hard enough.

Maybe you can consider the two residences thing again. Maybe you can keep applying to the other 29 jobs and try to get back to Ontario as soon as you can. Maybe you can offer to pay for her family to visit you more often. Maybe you can make new friends as a couple, instead of expecting her to do it herself.

She has no support out here but you, and so there's no one for her to talk to when she needs support about something to do with you.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OP, I don't think it's promising at all that your wife came back and was not happy to see you. However, it's not all that unusual, and I think that you still have time to repair your marriage.

First though, I think it is very important that you change your thinking about what is going on with your wife. She is not particularly selfish, or unable to love enough, or too co-dependent on her parents. She is like most women.

She has fallen out of love with you. You've unintentionally and unknowingly neglected to meet her emotional needs, and her love for you has dried up. Her actions are predictable. You can see it in the article below, (bold is mine for emphasis):

"Another reason for divorce reported almost as much as mental cruelty is "neglect" itself. These include both *emotional abandonment* and physical abandonment.* Husbands that work away from the home, sometimes leaving their wives alone for weeks at a time, fall into this category.*

When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it is far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety.
'
*Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men.*"

Why Women Leave Men

OP, the above is from Dr. Harley, marriage counselor, author of "His Needs, Her Needs". If you were to google "Why Do Women Divorce" and look at the lists that come up , you'll notice that what he is saying is true: women leave men who neglect them emotionally, physically. The lists don't read "Neglect", but it's underlying nearly all of the reasons that women give.

Your words say that believe that your wife is most important to you, but your actions say otherwise. 

Just one example: if you know that there is tension between your wife and your father, why is your father in your house while your wife is away in a hotel room? Even if she was asking for space, why aren't you spending your money getting your dad a hotel room, you can go spend time with him there? 

I see you saying she doesn't love you enough to try harder; she has mental illness in her family and that explains it. 

Let's keep it simple. Your wife moved far away from her friends and family, her job is much more stressful, and you aren't there much of the time. This isn't a case where the family moves and they build a new life together. She moved and is building a new life for herself most of the time. That pretty much explains it all. 

I disagree with just about everyone who says that she needs to put on her big girl panties or that she is too emotionally needy. Most men prefer their wives to depend on them emotionally. My husband would not be happy if there was someone else- anyone else- who I depended on emotionally more than him. Your marriage is in trouble if you are not her go-to guy, the person who she entrusts her heart and her thoughts. 

In fact- she can't depend on you emotionally, and that is probably the crux of the problem. You are not safe for her emotionally at this time.

I agree with Turnera that your house-hold clean up probably didn't earn you any points. In fact, it probably showed her that you don't understand why she is upset. You're arranging the patio furniture while your house is burning down.

If you want to save your marriage, you need a plan. Coming to TAM is a good start, but there is a lot more you can (and should, quickly!) do. So here is my recommendation:

1. Read the linked article so you can start to see that your wife is normal.

2. Read this article (hat tip: @jld): Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife
This is important, because I don't think you have understood yet why she is hurt. It's heavily Christian-oriented, but the basic message is on-target. 

3. Do whatever it takes to get a good chunk of time alone with your wife. Do an impromptu vacation. If that isn't possible, book a weekend get-away somewhere that she's always wanted to go. She needs some time and positive attention. 

Right now she wants space from you because it hurts her to be near you, and her goal is to break her bond with you. She is on her way out.

You can't force her to spend time with you but do everything you can to entice her, and if you can get her there, make it a great time! Your goal should be to rebuild the bond. 

4. Read His Needs, Her Needs, so you can identify her emotional needs and you can begin to meet them.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

My Wife told me that it's over. She asked me to wait a week before taking steps to end the marriage (putting the house up for sale, going to see a lawyer etc.) because she is busy at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, brother.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

The biggest issues are:

1) My Wife misses her family and friends, especially when I'm traveling for work
2) She feels like my career is more important than she is (I don't, but I don't know how to convince her of that other than giving up my career)
3) She is depressed and doesn't believe that she can't start feeling like herself again as long as she's living in Alberta
4) She feels like our relationship is broken and isn't sure it can be fixed

I don't know what to do. I don't think that I can be happy without my Wife, at least not in the foreseeable future...but I also don't know if I can be happy with my Wife if she continues to focus on the past and what she doesn't have instead of the future and what she does have. 

Do I give up? Do I try really hard to win her back? Do I do nothing and hope that she has a change or heart? How do I get through the day with my marriage in the state that it is? Your stories and advice have been helpful...please keep it coming. Thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> The biggest issues are:
> 
> 1) My Wife misses her family and friends, especially when I'm traveling for work
> 2) She feels like my career is more important than she is (I don't, but I don't know how to convince her of that other than giving up my career)
> ...


I dunno.
To me it smells like there's more to it than just that.
Dollars to doughnuts you've got a weasel in the henhouse.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> The biggest issues are:
> 
> 1) My Wife misses her family and friends, especially when I'm traveling for work
> 2) She feels like my career is more important than she is (I don't, but I don't know how to convince her of that other than giving up my career)
> ...


I'm sorry for what you're going through, but your wife is not ready to take on an adult role. She's made her decision, she'd rather divorce you than stay with you in Alberta. What does that tell you about her love for you? Her commitment to you?

You have no financial worries right now, her whole problem is that she's home sick. Financial problems frequently kill marriages. The only way you can stay with her is to give up your career and start over, and any future career or job is going to have to be near enough to her family. So tell me, considering she's not into you enough to stay married to you living in Alberta, do you really think she's going to stay with you when you're broke trying to completely change the direction of your life?

Do not quit your job. Let her move back to Toronto. Give her a chance to realize what she's throwing away and see if she comes back. If she hasn't come back in a year, divorce her.

Keep communications minimal during your year of separation. If she questions you about it just tell her it hurts you too much to talk to her knowing she just threw your relationship away.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You do not try to "win her back". If who you are is not who she wants, it requires you to become something you are not to do so.

Let her go. You may realize what you are losing is not as great as you thought. Or, perhaps absence will result in her missing you. Either way, just let her go.

Read up on the 180.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

At this point, I would let her leave, but ask her to wait on the divorce. If she is in perpetual despair, it's a fog of its own and will probably lift slowly once she is out of the situation that she hates so much.

I think I would tell her that you are willing to work on it & that the door is still wide open. She may or may not be in an affair. (I would never take a bet that insists it's not happening.) I felt the way she is feeling and stayed at one point only because we had children. I was never in an affair, just desperately unhappy. Once I was out of the place, my vitriol dissipated and my feelings about it became much more measured.

I'm very sorry about this.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do not quit your job.

You could give up your dream job only to find that your job wasn't the problem after all.

Chances are there is far more to this situation than homesickness. Why? She's had your whole relationship to mentally prepare for moving, your travel, life as a public figure etc. It doesnt sound right that she's not even willing to give it a chance.

But even if you are getting 100% truth, your cannot quit your job. Your wife can agree to something and then find it doesn't work for her and is unwilling to try to make it work. SO what is stopping her from agreeing to move back home and then you find she's not happy there?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> *At this point, I would let her leave, but ask her to wait on the divorce.* If she is in perpetual despair, it's a fog of its own and will probably lift slowly once she is out of the situation that she hates so much.
> 
> I think I would tell her that you are willing to work on it & that the door is still wide open. She may or may not be in an affair. (I would never take a bet that insists it's not happening.) I felt the way she is feeling and stayed at one point only because we had children. I was never in an affair, just desperately unhappy. Once I was out of the place, my vitriol dissipated and my feelings about it became much more measured.
> 
> I'm very sorry about this.


They're in Canada so there's a 1 year waiting period for divorce, that was the basis of my suggestion of waiting a year.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> My Wife told me that it's over. She asked me to wait a week before taking steps to end the marriage (putting the house up for sale, going to see a lawyer etc.) because she is busy at work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do yourself a favor and check her phone records. Especially for this past weekend!!! She must be confiding in someone.......a co-worker maybe?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Yeah, so par for the course, I am going to offer an alternative viewpoint.

Just to re-iterate, I am suggesting that, like many women who are left on their own for long periods of time, your wife's "love bank" for you has dried up due to loneliness and neglect. Let's take a look at your list here:



ConfusedCanadian said:


> The biggest issues are:
> 
> 1) My Wife misses her family and friends, especially when I'm traveling for work


She is completely on her own, in a new town, in a stressful job. 

I disagree very much with NF this time around. This isn't a matter of basic "homesickness", although she is homesick. This is her, being homesick and on her own, with no kids and no husband around. She is wondering if she wouldn't be happier in another relationship. Personally- I think she would be happier. Like most married couples, she probably got married to share her life, share her days and nights. This is why traveling jobs have a much higher divorce/infidelity rate.

She is leaving the marriage without cheating (as far as we know) because she doesn't want to be alone. I can't blame her, I wouldn't want to be on my own like that either. She is doing the right thing by making a move to divorce before starting a new life.



> 2) She feels like my career is more important than she is (I don't, but I don't know how to convince her of that other than giving up my career)


This is a classic statement of neglect. If I asked her, I suspect she would tell me that you put your time and attention into your job, and that her needs are left unmet. Hence, your priorities are your job,

If you want to stay married, you are going to have to re-think your job. If you are in a position of power, maybe you can reduce your travel schedule. Maybe the two of you can work something out so that she changes her job and is able to travel with you. 

You don't have kids. Your wife isn't willing to do this anymore, at least not in the current set-up. She wants a different type of relationship.

The big question is: what kind of set-up do you want? This truly is putting it on the line. What is more important to you? This one, particular job position as it is now? Or your marriage?



> 3) She is depressed and doesn't believe that she can't start feeling like herself again as long as she's living in Alberta


She might feel differently if you were home and you were building a life together. 



> 4) She feels like our relationship is broken and isn't sure it can be fixed


Well, I think she's made an accurate assessment. Your relationship is broken. She has been unhappy and she's told you about it. She has lost her love for you. 

She isn't sure that you are going to make the changes that she needs in order to be in kind of marriage she wants. YOU aren't sure that you want to do it, either. So yeah- neither of you is sure of your future right now.

It doesn't feel like it, but your wife is taking the right steps, in the right order. 



> I don't know what to do. I don't think that I can be happy without my Wife, at least not in the foreseeable future...*but I also don't know if I can be happy with my Wife if she continues to focus on the past and what she doesn't have instead of the future and what she does have.*


Well, not to be a d!ck but your wife IS focusing on the future ahead of her. She wants something different and she is making moves to get there.

The bold basically says that you think she is being unreasonable. If only she'd see this from YOUR perspective, everything would be fine, right? She is looking at the half-empty glass and not the half-full glass?

No. She isn't you. Her experience of what is happening is vastly different from yours. If you can't try to understand and instead blow her off with, "why can't you see it my way?", why would she stay with you? You aren't willing/able to see it her way, she can't trust that you care enough to make sure that she is OK and happy. You're not a safe/stable partner for her if you don't give her concerns equal weight.



> Do I give up? Do I try really hard to win her back? Do I do nothing and hope that she has a change or heart? How do I get through the day with my marriage in the state that it is? Your stories and advice have been helpful...please keep it coming. Thank you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Do you give up or do you keep trying? This is the main question. It is really up to you. 

The TAMmers here are telling you that you should tell her to leave and let it be up to her if you are good enough. Well, not to state the obvious, but it's quite clear that what you are offering ISN'T good enough for, which is why she is on her way out. So if you don't want to stay with her, I agree with the others. Let her go. 

You got angry at another poster earlier, but if I were BFFs with your wife, I would be encouraging her right now to continue on her way. She has her own career and doesn't need your money. If she is not happy with a part-time husband and there are no kids, I would encourage her to quit the part-time and go find a good, solid full-time husband. She is young, younger than I was when I left my ex-fiance. 

I have my family now, my husband and I are home and sleeping in the same bed almost always (my job does require limited travel, which he agreed with and we re-discuss it as needed.)We have a child, and the three of us are an active, hands-on family, day in and day out. One of us gives the bath, one of us reads the good-night book. One of us drops him off at day-care, the other picks him up. He and I sit together most nights and read, rub feet, talk about TAM and his forums, events of the day, anything we want to discuss. It is lovely. I wouldn't have it any other way. She can have that dream if she leaves your current marriage. It's not available to her if she stays. 

I think if you split, you also can have your dream. You're still young, too. It's rarer, but there are women who are OK with having a spouse who travels, especially if it means she could stay home with the kids (assuming you want kids.) You can find such spouses on this very thread like alte dame and elsewhere on TAM. 

If you do want to stay together, you are going to have to make a 180 change. You are going to have to find a way to see her perspective and understand why she is so hurt and angry (the links I provided in an earlier will help.) You are going to have to start a marriage where your care for your wife is first on the list. Even if you travel, you should do this. It's just that if you find a wife who is OK with you traveling, what she needs from you will be different from what your wife needs. 

If you wanted to keep your marriage and make (and maintain) the changes, I think you'd be successful. These are still early days. Consider possibilities where you keep your career but change your current position (I've done this in order to be in a job that support my family's structural health as well as financial well-being.)

However- you don't have kids. It will be painful if you split but it won't be the end of the world. It will affect the two of you and that's it. You can both rebuild without a Baby Mamma/Daddy.

So think about it. What do *you* want? Who do you want to be in relation to this situation? It's up to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree that the 2 weeks every month away is a HUGE problem, but he said he did the exact same thing before they moved. It's just that she filled that time with her existing world. Here, she made almost NO attempt to build up a new life. She volunteered a little - with animals. She decided she didn't like the new job so she made no attempt to fit in. She made no attempt to make friends. Of COURSE she's unhappy. It never occurred to her she'd have to actually WORK at building a new life.

OP, have you checked the phone bills yet?


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> Yeah, so par for the course, I am going to offer an alternative viewpoint.
> 
> Just to re-iterate, I am suggesting that, like many women who are left on their own for long periods of time, your wife's "love bank" for you has dried up due to loneliness and neglect. Let's take a look at your list here:
> 
> ...


Standing O RoseAglow.

CC - a long time ago I had the opportunity for the "dream" job but I would have had to sacrifice my wife in order to pursue it. I decided to die to the dream and I chose my marriage and my wife.

After nearly 40 years of walking this earth with the most incredible woman who has ever lived, it was so so so so so worth it.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

turnera said:


> I agree that the 2 weeks every month away is a HUGE problem, but he said he did the exact same thing before they moved. It's just that she filled that time with her existing world. Here, she made almost NO attempt to build up a new life. She volunteered a little - with animals. She decided she didn't like the new job so she made no attempt to fit in. She made no attempt to make friends. Of COURSE she's unhappy. *It never occurred to her she'd have to actually WORK at building a new life.*
> 
> OP, have you checked the phone bills yet?


I disagree with the bold, and I think her actions are showing it. She is certainly making moves to build a new life. If they divorce, she will be building a new life, looking for a new job or transferring back, looking for a new relationship. If she was afraid of trying something new, she'd just stay and be miserable and complain bitterly. 

It's true that perhaps his being away wasn't as painful for her before they moved, when she had her friends and family away. She might not have realized the extent that she was on her own, because she had other people around who loved her, who knew her. 

However, I don't think the solution is necessarily for her to find a way to make it bearable. If there were kids, I would encourage that option.

But there are no kids. So why do this? Why not go find a guy who wants to be home, so she can have a full-time marriage?

ETA: I do think it's fine for him to snoop. I don't know if he'll find anything, but it's always better to know what the situation truly is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's true. It IS just a job, in the end. Don't know what your job is, but as someone who's having to rethink my career goals, I've really had my eyes opened as to how many OTHER ways I can use my training to have a DIFFERENT career. Especially nowadays.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RoseAglow said:


> I disagree with the bold, and I think her actions are showing it. She is certainly making moves to build a new life. If they divorce, she will be building a new life, looking for a new job or transferring back, looking for a new relationship. If she was afraid of trying something new, she'd just stay and be miserable and complain bitterly.


Say what? She's going to back to her EXACT SAME life, same family, same neighborhood, same friends, and PROBABLY same job. The only change she's making is ditching OP.

Again, have you checked the phone/text records?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

She may or may not be in the same job (I think the OP suggested it's not an option right now).

She may or may not be in the same neighborhood.

She will be back with her friends and family, as a divorced person. I think most divorced people will agree that it's a new thing, it's not the same life.

She will be on her own, no boyfriend, no husband. She will have to start dating all over again. 

There are many TAMmers who stay stuck in terrible relationships/marriages because they are too afraid to do what the OP's wife is starting to put into motion.

ETA: It is hard to admit failure. If she goes back, it will not be as a success story. It will be as a divorcee with a failed marriage. This is something most people dread and try to avoid. This is why, if he works with her and changes up his job position, I think she would likely stay....but he would need to be there with her day in and day out, building their life together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Again, disagree. If she goes back home, she will paint him black and within a few days, she will have all her family and friends saying 'Thank GOD you got away from that horrible situation! We're SO GLAD you were strong enough to do the right thing! How could he ever do that to you! You come here, right here, let us hug you and support you, and we'll forget this ever happened!'

Anyway, I'm not going to keep T/Jing with you about this. You see him as the bad guy, I see her as the bad guy, so we're never going to agree. 

Let's just focus on what he can do....short of giving up his one career he's wanted his whole life.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't see a bad guy on either side....just two people that are having a difficult time coming to an agreement on work/life balance... Each having their part to play and contribute in this...

...It's not a right wrong thing, but rather a choosing...it sounds like the OP has one stipulation on the table (that he keeps his current job)...but in doing so, there needs to be a plan to honor his wife's needs in this dynamic...

On the other hand, his wife may have been complicit in this move for his career, wanting to support her husband..been when reality happened, she realized this was more difficult than she may have thought....I hear that she has been trying to tell him this for awhile...

So, they both need to come together to determine what they choose. 

OP- is your job inflexible, in that there is no way to tailor your time to fit with your wife's needs? 

Is your wife really the bad guy in letting you know that this current dynamic is not what she chooses?

What do you choose?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

turnera said:


> Again, disagree. If she goes back home, she will paint him black and within a few days, she will have all her family and friends saying 'Thank GOD you got away from that horrible situation! We're SO GLAD you were strong enough to do the right thing! How could he ever do that to you! You come here, right here, let us hug you and support you, and we'll forget this ever happened!'
> 
> Anyway, I'm not going to keep T/Jing with you about this. You see him as the bad guy, I see her as the bad guy, so we're never going to agree.
> 
> Let's just focus on what he can do....short of giving up his one career he's wanted his whole life.


I don't see either of them as "the bad guy". I agree that her friends and family will support her. I'd support her. But I'd support him, too, whichever way he wants to go. I think they have a deep incompatibility. 

But, no more t/j- I think he needs to make a decision on what he wants to do. 

There might be another man in the picture- she has the perfect environment with a lot of alone time, and she is certainly lonely and and vulnerable, so sure, snoop. If there is another man, it might make his decision a whole lot easier.

But he doesn't have much time, if he wants to save the marriage. If she goes home, I think they are probably done. She will be back with the people she loves and who love her, she will feel so much better there. She will have already said Divorce and so chances are, her friends will start to try to set her up. She'll start her new life without him.

If he thinks he wants to save the marriage, I go back to my first post. He should find some way to spend a lot of time together. A "last hurrah" holiday, if he needs to put it that way. Some way to get her with him, having a good time, reminding her of why they fell in love in the first place. He can snoop between then and now, but he should take quick action now if he has hopes of staying together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's all moot now anyway, since she's now told him she's leaving.

But at least check the phone/text records.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi All,

Thanks for your input. I have not checked her phone records. In one sense, I'm afraid to...in another, I'm not sure that it would change anything. The only thing that would change the way that I feel is if I found out that she has been / is being unfaithful. If that was the case, I would run away from her as far and as fast as I could.

What disappoints me more than anything is that this all happened so fast - in a couple of ways.

1) a We've only been here eight or nine months. Our marriage counsellor told her that with time, things would almost certainly get better. She would become more comfortable with her surroundings and she would build a new social network that could help support her when I am here and especially when I'm traveling.
2) I really didn't understand how big her struggles were until about a month ago. I honestly thought that she was starting to turn the corner and I was looking forward to building on that now that I am off for the summer. In less than a month, we've gone from having issues that led me to suggest that we go to marriage counseling, to her giving me an ultimatum to eventually go back to Ontario (she threw out timelines between two years and ten years), to she has to move back to Ontario ASAP and wants me to go with her to she has to move back to Ontario now and doesn't know if she wants me to go with her to she doesn't want to live this life anymore and wants a divorce. All of this has happened in less than a month. While I'm certainly not the world's greatest husband, I've never done anything to hurt her, at least not intentionally. I've never cheated or abused her. I've worked hard to help put us in a good position financially. I've never stop loving her and have tried to be patient and supporting while she adjusts to the move and during her struggles with anxiety and depression. Have I done enough? Obviously not. I wish I had done more...more little things. I have started to do those things but it's too late. She has built a big wall around her and won't let me in. She won't open her mind to the possibility of being happy in Alberta...and now to the possibility of being happy with me. While I share the blame in this, I just want to be given an opportunity to try to make things better - for her and for us. I just can't believe that walking away from a six-year relationship and a three-year marriage and having to start over personally, financially and potentially professionally seems like a better option than sticking around to try to make things better. She can always leave...she can't always come back. I'm just so confused and hurt and feel completely helpless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

CC, it is understandable that this quick turn has left you bewildered.

Have you read these links yet? If you read them, you will start to see how and why it happened.

Why Women Leave Men

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts




> Do whatever it takes to get a good chunk of time alone with your wife. Do an impromptu vacation. If that isn't possible, book a weekend get-away somewhere that she's always wanted to go. She needs some time and positive attention.
> 
> Right now she wants space from you because it hurts her to be near you, and her goal is to break her bond with you. She is on her way out.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Check the phone records. If you find nothing, then you can focus on following the HNHN route. But don't do the HNHN route without first verifying she's not running home to SOMEbody else.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Thanks for your input. I have not checked her phone records. In one sense, I'm afraid to...in another, I'm not sure that it would change anything. The only thing that would change the way that I feel is if I found out that she has been / is being unfaithful. If that was the case, I would run away from her as far and as fast as I could.
> 
> ...



This tells me you are still seeing this from your perspective...For your wife, 8-9 months has felt very long in a dynamic that isn't working for her. Then to have a counselor tell her our she should be feeling and describe an ideal...which when it didn't happen, may have your wife feeling hopeless....

8-9 months is a lot time for opportunity on having "check-ins" with your wife on what is working/ is not working for you both...

I hear from you a lot of...."just wait, it'll get better.."

A passive stance, when your wife was looking for some active plan...active reassurance...hence the walls being built....

...this may feel sudden for you in that you blindly hoped her feelings of unrest would go away....maybe have some placating words (even in the presence of a counselor)....

You're the one here on this board, so I can only speak to you (although your wife needs to be accountable for her part in this as well)...

If you want your marriage...your wife....then fight for it/her...come up a with a plan ...several plans (with goals/timelines) to meet both of your needs. 

If she still refutes all, and chooses to leave....that's on her...and you deserve someone that will fight for you and your coupleship as well.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

She has been back to Ontario four or five times since we moved to Alberta. The last three times, she has come back more and more distant. I know that her father has been telling her that she deserves better. I believe that she deserves better, too...just not in the way that he does. He has been telling her that she deserves better than me, that all I care about is my job. To him, and until his retirement a week ago, they both worked for the same company doing pretty much the same job, a job is to earn money. Period. He doesn't understand that some people are actually very passionate about what the do for a living. I know that I've beat around the bush about what I do, but here's a hint...I decided when I was 18 years old I wanted to work in sports media. I volunteered for five years making next to no money while my friends got real jobs and were out having a good time. When I couldn't find a job in my early 20's, I started my own business and created a job for myself just to gain experience. I lost money on that venture but when I was 24, I got a big break and got my dream job, at a lower level. My salary the first season was $4,500. Not $45,000...$4,500. There were nights when I couldn't afford to eat dinner. I made sacrifices hoping that one day they would pay off and I would be able to do what I love career-wise while putting myself in a position where I made a decent enough living that I could get married and start a family. My Wife knows this story. She knows how hard I worked to get to where I am professionally. It's not just a job, it's a career. With that said, nothing in my life has a much meaning without my Wife. I believe, and I'm sure will be those that disagree, that the fact that I'm open to potentially walking away from my career when my contract is up should show her how important she is and our marriage is to me. I guess I'm either lying to myself or fooling myself or delusional. I know things change and feelings change and people change. I've been 100% honest with her literally from the day we met about what I needed from a potential spouse - and that was to be willing to move if I was lucky enough to have an opportunity to get to the highest level. She encouraged me to apply for this job. She told me to take it and agreed to move to Alberta with me. And now, eight months later, she wants me to give it all up because she wasn't honest with herself, and in-turn, me? And after she's admitted that after trying for a few months, she gave up on trying to make things work here? If God were to say to me that if I gave up my career I would save my marriage, I might take that deal. But now, if I give up my career, not only is there no guarantee that I will save my marriage, based on the way that she has been / is acting and on the things that she has been / is saying, there is a strong likelihood that my marriage will end, too. What am I left with then?

As hard as divorce would / will be, part of me believes that the easiest thing to do would be to let her go and find someone else. With that said, I love my Wife more than anything and just because times are tough, I don't believe in just throwing our marriage away. I want to fight for her and us and I am willing to fight for her and us...I just want her to at least eventually be willing to do the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Oh, and as far as spending time with her, three weeks ago we went to Jamaica for nine days...the same resort that we went to for our honeymoon. We sat by the beach and pool together and barely spoke (I tried). We ate breakfast and lunch and dinner together, despite the tension. We've been on a number of all-inclusive vacations together and would always do something after dinner. Go to a show, go to the lobby bar and hang out with each other or other couples that we had met etc. This time, she went to bed after dinner every night but one. I talked her into going to the piano bar one night and incredibly, they played our wedding song (Faithfully by Journey). I looked at my Wife and told her that I thought it was a sign and that I loved her. She replied with I love you too, but... I thought the vacation would help bring us back together. I still had hope and tried to create a small moment for us that last night. I failed and it broke my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

hmmm....

your wife is telling you that she wants more time with you over the long haul (different work/life balance).

you rationalize that a nine day vacation is a way to increase time spent together...

...I read this as putting a band-aid on a deep wound and expecting it to be enough to heal....


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Oh, and as far as spending time with her, three weeks ago we went to Jamaica for nine days...the same resort that we went to for our honeymoon. We sat by the beach and pool together and barely spoke (I tried). We ate breakfast and lunch and dinner together, despite the tension. We've been on a number of all-inclusive vacations together and would always do something after dinner. Go to a show, go to the lobby bar and hang out with each other or other couples that we had met etc. This time, she went to bed after dinner every night but one. I talked her into going to the piano bar one night and incredibly, they played our wedding song (Faithfully by Journey). I looked at my Wife and told her that I thought it was a sign and that I loved her. She replied with I love you too, but... I thought the vacation would help bring us back together. I still had hope and tried to create a small moment for us that last night. I failed and it broke my heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


she was just going through the motions. At some point she gave up and is just doing this stuff to make herself feel like she at least tried, while in reality she didn't try at all. Could be her family, could be someone else, who knows.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You two are living in very different head spaces.

I know her space. This is what I am almost certain is going on:

- She DREADED making the move with you, but wanted to be reasonable and loving, so she went with it.

- Her dread has been like a blanket that has poisoned her thoughts. She has quickly become angry, sad, depressed, despairing, resentful, and self-righteous.

- She doesn't want to live like this and thinks it's a desperate situation for her, such that if you really loved her, you would have recognized it and rescued her from it.

- Her despair is now driving her. She's having a flight response to allow her to feel OK again.

This may not appear rational to you, and probably wouldn't have appeared rational to her a few years ago, but it is what it is. I have said I have seen this and experienced it myself & that is the truth. I have tried to warn the other spouse that the despairing one was in much worse shape than he/she thought, but the mentality seems so dire and so different that the person who generated the move can't process it.

Your travel indeed makes things much worse. My H travelled app. 45% of the time and worked very long days. I took this personally, as if it was his choice to get away from us. That is the lens that my despair put on his choices.

Only the firmest, most certain expression of love and commitment will break through her fog of despair now, in my opinion. Let her go, but tell her that you don't want a divorce, that she is the most important thing, that you are willing/happy/desperate to find a way. 

My own experience is that, once out of the triggering situation, the person in despair begins to rebalance and see things differently.

There is actually literature on this issue. In my field, it is called the 'trailing spouse' syndrome.

Again, so very sorry.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Needless to say, my opinion applies only in the absence of infidelity....


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Thanks for your input. I have not checked her phone records. In one sense, I'm afraid to...in another, I'm not sure that it would change anything. The only thing that would change the way that I feel is if I found out that she has been / is being unfaithful. If that was the case, I would run away from her as far and as fast as I could.


I said before I saw no red flags, but with your recent posts I'm starting to. You need to check those phone records. You need to know if she's leaving you over your career or if she's leaving you for someone else before you make a life changing decision. Do not take it on faith that quitting your job and moving back to Toronto will save your marriage. Even if she's not cheating she's checked out, and if she is cheating you will be giving up everything you've worked for for nothing.

Check the phone records.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Cons,

I wasn't suggesting that I thought that a vacation would solve all of her / our problems. I did think that it would help us reconnect as a couple and would be a starting point.

Alte Dame,

Thank you very much for your insight. I really think that you've hit the nail on the head. I obviously was blind or not paying enough attention to the warning signs. She would always come home from work complaining about work. She would sometimes complain about being lonely. She would very rarely complain about me our our relationship. I hindsight, I probably should have asked more questions or put two and two together. 

I want her to be happy and I know that there are things that we can both do to make her happier...she just has to be willing to try. If she was, the question would then become - does this make you happy enough? If not, then I think walking away from the marriage would make more sense, and would leave us both with fewer regrets. I guess that all I can do at this point is let her go and hope that she comes back.

I have an important question for everybody. What is my next move? I'm really hurting and if our marriage is truly over, I feel the need to start the process of moving on, healing and starting to work towards being happy again. With what my Wife said yesterday, I feel the urge to put the house up for sale and go see a lawyer to put together a separation agreement. She told me she is busy at work and asked me to wait before doing those things. What should I do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> 1) a We've only been here eight or nine months. Our marriage counsellor told Jen that with time, things would almost certainly get better. She would become more comfortable with her surroundings and she would build a new social network that could help support her when I am here and especially when I'm traveling.


If you two stay together and stay in Alberta, then she will likely build a network, hopefully with the two of you together.

But if you don't stay together, why would she stay in a city she hates?

She is likely weighing the options- I can stay here and at best, have a half-time marriage. Or I can go home, and start anew with someone who is going to be home.

Many people don't want to be in a marriage where the spouse travels often. It was a deal-breaker for my husband. We worked it out where I can do a limited amount of travel. If you want to work it out with your wife, you will likely have to switch up the particulars of your job.



> 2) I really didn't understand how big her struggles were until about a month ago. I honestly thought that she was starting to turn the corner and I was looking forward to building on that now that I am off for the summer. In less than a month, we've gone from having issues that led me to suggest that we go to marriage counseling, to her giving me an ultimatum to eventually go back to Ontario (she threw out timelines between two years and ten years), to she has to move back to Ontario ASAP and wants me to go with her to she has to move back to Ontario now and doesn't know if she wants me to go with her to she doesn't want to live this life anymore and wants a divorce. All of this has happened in less than a month.


So you have a fast change in timeline, along with a wife who has been telling you that she is lonely for several months. Her jobs in Alberta is extremely stressful. She wants to move back home.

I can understand where she is coming from, but I have to tell you- I think you better start snooping. Specifically- start thinking about men who she worked with in her office in Ontario. 

My suspicion is that she has been venting to someone in the office in Ontario and has started an emotional affair. He has been there for her when you haven't been, and she's gotten in deeper. BTW this is not to say that you are at fault for her going in too deep with a male co-worker, if that is what has happened. It's just that she has the "perfect environment" for this sort of thing to happen. You actually truly aren't there and *if* this is what happened, she made a bad choice to confide in another man. Boundaries. 



> While I'm certainly not the world's greatest husband, I've never done anything to hurt her, at least not intentionally. I've never cheated or abused her. I've worked hard to help put us in a good position financially. I've never stop loving her and have tried to be patient and supporting while she adjusts to the move and during her struggles with anxiety and depression. Have I done enough? Obviously not. I wish I had done more...more little things.


Unfortunately, few of us get a Marriage Manual. 



> I have started to do those things but it's too late. She has built a big wall around her and won't let me in. She won't open her mind to the possibility of being happy in Alberta...and now to the possibility of being happy with me.


If she is in an affair, those walls will be up until/unless the affair is broken up.

If she is not in an affair, she is doing what most women do when they have given up on their marriage. Read the 'Hardened Wife' article. She doesn't trust you. She won't trust you again any time soon. That doesn't meant that she will never trust you again, though.



> While I share the blame in this, I just want to be given an opportunity to try to make things better - for her and for us. I just can't believe that walking away from a six-year relationship and a three-year marriage and *having to start over personally, financially and potentially professionally seems like a better option than sticking around to try to make things better.* She can always leave...she can't always come back. I'm just so confused and hurt and feel completely helpless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again, all bets are off if she is in an emotional affair.

But, if she's not- she doesn't trust you to make things better. It's going to take a lot of time. Keep spending time with her. If you read the links I gave, you'll learn about the "love bank." You have a big deficit right now. If you take out $100 from your bank, and only put in $5, there is still a difference. It will take time but if she opens her heart back up to you, it can be reconciled. 

Women leave on their own all the time because of these issues- I just sent you links about it. Alte Dame gave another resource to check.

I can empathize about your career. I love what I do, too. I've been at it for well over a decade. For my husband and his family, a job is what you do to earn a paycheck. My husband can understand why I make some of my decisions, but his family can't- they have a totally different strategy and value system for work. It doesn't make them any better or worse than me, we are just different in this way.

Your wife is just a normal woman. She has emotional needs that can't be met by a spouse who isn't there. She thought it would work, but when she got there, she found that it isn't working. That's life.

What to do next?

I think you need to decide on what you want to do. Do you want to fight? Or let it go?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

CC-

I apologize that my words may be harsh...Since I am not emotionally invested- I can come across as too pragmatic. That is not my intent...

I also need to own that, some of my own past experience comes up for me, and I projected that onto your situation...

I do agree with many posters here...Do NOT quit your job....I don't think that is the answer....but rather a balance somehow....

I also agree that your wife is deep in a fog of her own hopelessness and lacks some perspective...unfortunately, she may not gain perspective until she is physically removed from the situation shes as painted her current life to be...

...my suggestion is to keep talking about this elephant in the room....keeping telling her of your desire for her, your marriage, and how you would like your career to fit in...

(I also agree to rule out any other "outside" influences).


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Thanks again for the advice. I just looked for her cell phone bills and can't find them. I can find all of other bills, which makes me wonder. She also flipped out on my for looking at her iPad last week. I caught her in two lies based on what I saw (she started asking her company about a transfer back to Ontario and went to the bank to get a better handle on where a divorce would leave her / us financially). When I confronted her, she turned it around on me and said that she couldn't trust me because I looked at her iPad. Now, she keeps her iPhone and iPad glued to her and even takes her iPad to work, which she never used to do. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

My wife also hated her job....always complaining about it, staying late, overworked, not appreciated.....

Reality was that she was carrying on with her EA from work!!!

You be wise to snoop!!! I have a feeling that your wife had no intentions to moving back home......only moving out!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thinsection (Jun 10, 2015)

> I want to fight for her and us and I am willing to fight for her and us...I just want her to at least eventually be willing to do the same.

Never, EVER, fight for a woman that won't meet you half-way. I hate to be flippant about it, but women ARE replaceable. 

You may think that you can control the emotions of another person, but in the end, they are individuals who will make their own decisions.

The older you get, the more you realize that there are MANY women in this world who would make a compatible spouse. Fighting to save a mismatch just isn't worth it. 

It won't be easy to do, but you really need to let her get her life in order, and wait to see if she wants you in it. I get the sense that you're in the habit of manipulating her a bit, and it seems to me that the game is up...

Best


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Thanks again for the advice. I just looked for her cell phone bills and can't find them. I can find all of other bills, which makes me wonder. She also flipped out on my for looking at her iPad last week. I caught her in two lies based on what I saw (she started asking her company about a transfer back to Ontario and went to the bank to get a better handle on where a divorce would leave her / us financially). When I confronted her, she turned it around on me and said that she couldn't trust me because I looked at her iPad. Now, she keeps her iPhone and iPad glued to her and even takes her iPad to work, which she never used to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, yeah, there we go. Var the car.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

So predictable. She'll probably come home late or not at all. Says she was working late or driving around all night. You see....she's a free woman now since y'all are divorcing!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Well, based on your recent post, I think you are in a communist parade, all the red flags out there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> I have an important question for everybody. What is my next move? I'm really hurting and if our marriage is truly over, I feel the need to start the process of moving on, healing and starting to work towards being happy again. With what my Wife said yesterday, I feel the urge to put the house up for sale and go see a lawyer to put together a separation agreement.  She told me she is busy at work and asked me to wait before doing those things. What should I do?


Ok, first, we keep TELLING you what to do - check the phone records.

Do that first. Now. Before you do anything. You HAVE to know the truth of what you're dealing with.

Second, do NOT make ANY decisions right now. Not for weeks. Ok? 

Third, she told you to wait.

So wait. I think she's waiting to see what you do. IIWY, if you want to stay married, I would show her just that. Make it clear you want to talk, are ready to listen, and want to see things from her perspective.

BUT CHECK THOSE RECORDS FIRST.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> She also flipped out on my for looking at her iPad last week.


HUGE red flag.



> Now, she keeps her iPhone and iPad glued to her and even takes her iPad to work, which she never used to do.


Even bigger.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Wow CC. I don't know about phones and iPads and stuff.

Your situation is so totally unique it defies a one size fits all paradigm. My own comments seem trite, all things considered.

My apologies. Your situation is so outside the pale of usual experience we don't have a frame of reference.


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## Serena-- (Jun 7, 2015)

It doesn't make any sense to me. If she has an affair in Ontario - wouldn't she want to stay there in first place? Why would someone move across the country only to get a divorce few months later to get back to the affair in the hometown? Okay chances are she got into this affair from Alberta but it seems strange to me to make such a big move with the husband and then start an affair with someone in her hometown. 
Also, not letting you go through her iPad could also be because she was (is) very angry at you.
AND just a thought but *maybe* she tells you about the divorce because she wants you to wake up according to her - I mean you say it happened all of the sudden within a month, maybe this is her last move to see how you would react, if you would save your marriage or go with the job and agree to the divorce. It wouldn't be a very nice move but it could be possible.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

I texted her this afternoon and asked her the following questions:

So you've completely, 100% given up and 100% decided to end our marriage?

Her response: Yes, sorry.

So, that's that, right? At least I am no longer twisting in the wind...just forced to live in the same house with a person who no longer wants to be married to me.

Next question for you fine people...what do I now? How do I start to heal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If she is 100% certain that the marriage is over, I would see an attorney and ask her to leave asap so that you can start to regroup.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> I texted her this afternoon and asked her the following questions:
> 
> So you've completely, 100% given up and 100% decided to end our marriage?
> 
> ...


CC, first, I am so sorry. It must have been devastating to get that text.

Personally, if you really want the marriage, I would encourage you to fight for it. Your wife is likely leaving because she feels alone and neglected. You are only going to prove her point- which is that you don't really care about her- by just rolling over and agreeing to get a divorce. 

You said you have a lot of downtime in the summer, yes? Maybe make the rest of the summer your testing ground. 

Have you read those links yet? No need to recreate the wheel; read what others have done to turn things around when they were in your shoes and see how you feel about them.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Can you see her phone/text history online?
How about her Facebook page?

It's either an old boyfriend from back home or a current coworker. 

So who do you suspect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Thanks, AD. I guess I have no choice but to do that.

RA - You seem to think that there is still hope despite the fact that she said her mind was 100% made up. Why? I'm 38 and obviously still don't really understand women - even my Wife. I would keep fighting if there was a 1% chance...but she said this afternoon that there was a 0% chance. Thoughts?

TB - I have my suspicions because this has all happened so fast. Three months ago she was trying to talk me into having children. Two months ago she seemed to be making progress adjusting to life here and we booked a trip to Jamaica to the same resort that we went to on our honeymoon. One month ago we started marriage counseling and I was really excited because I thought it would help us resolve our issues. Last Friday she told me that her best-case scenario was finding a way to make things work with me and in Alberta. Today she tells me that she is 100% sure that our marriage is over.

There were literally no trust issues in our relationship until last week. I. Hindsight, maybe I am a naive fool. I catch her in a couple of lies and now she's super protective of her phone and tablet and seems to be hiding her phone bill. My key to her car even went missing.

What the hell has happened?!?! I was either blind or I've been blind-sided. 

The worst part - I would gladly go back to working at a lower level and still doing what I love to stay in what was a happy marriage. My Wife told me last night that she wishes she could rewind one year. So do I.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call your phone company and get electronic access to the phone records. She's saying the exact same things my SIL said. And turns out she was cheating.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

CC, I think there is hope because her feelings are within the 
norm when women are left on their own for a long time in relationships. Go read those links! They will tell you the full story! It is almost textbook. 

If she is indeed leaving in a "neglect" textbook manner, then she can be brought back as well....if the two of you can find a lifestyle together that suits you both.

Your wife will not be open to you at all for a while, whether you try to get back together or not. But if you can stick with it and break down her barriers, there might be options, 

You will only be able to break down her barriers if she feels you are trustworthy. I don't mean "trustworthy" as in, are you loyal? I mean trustworthy as in, can you put aside your perception and see hers? Are you able to see her side? Are you willing to hear her version, which will include ways that you have hurt her (even though you didn't mean to hurt her)? Are you emotionally safe for her?

If I were in your shoes, I would read the Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife and see if it fit. If so, it might be a way to start to re-open her heart. I'd hit up His Needs, Her Needs, and try to rebuild her love bank. 

If she opens back up to you, figure out together what, if anything, can be done so that your career and being married to her can fit. Bring it all out on the table. Two women have posted on this thread that they felt better about the travel once they truly felt they had a say in it. I suspect that your wife feels like there is no way you are going to give up your career/dream job and so her only options are to like it or leave it. She is leaving it. Maybe you can work with her so that she truly feels like she has a say.

Alte Dame suggested that you ask your wife for suggestions, see what she would come up with. You might also find some things that would make it easier for her- can she travel with you? Can you Skype/Facetime frequently? Maybe you can commit to providing her full attention/dates on the days when you're home. C an you commit to a 2-day trip somewhere, just the two of you, weekly? Bi-Weekly? Brainstorm.

I don't know that your attempts will work. You might truly have a 0% chance....but I doubt it. It will be a 0% chance if you decide that it's not worth it to try. Surely you have more than a 1% chance if you try. You are her husband- she fell in love with you once already. There is something special about you that won her over in the first place, and made her choose you above all others. Something changed and instead of looking at you with love and hope, she has separated and closed off to avoid further hurt. Address that and you might be able to fix your marriage. 

******************************************************

Now, the advice changes if she is in an affair. She is very vulnerable to an affair right now, and based on the quick turn-around in her goals with you, I think you'd best snoop hard. Those are some big flags. Get the phone records. Can you check her work email on her phone? Does she have a work laptop that you can check for IM history? 

@GusPolinski, can you help this OP get into the i-pad cloud?

Here is the "Standard Evidence" thread, with suggestions: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


If she is in an affair, there are different steps to take to successfully reconcile. Or, you might not want to reconcile at all, it might push you to agree that divorce is the best option.

Either way, snoop and see what you're really working with. Yes, she will be furious if she catches on. On the other hand- she is already about to divorce you, getting caught can hardly make things any worse. (Still- follow the instructions to avoid getting caught.)


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> I have my suspicions because this has all happened so fast. Three months ago she was trying to talk me into having children. Two months ago she seemed to be making progress adjusting to life here and we booked a trip to Jamaica to the same resort that we went to on our honeymoon. One month ago we started marriage counseling and I was really excited because I thought it would help us resolve our issues. Last Friday she told me that her best-case scenario was finding a way to make things work with me and in Alberta. Today she tells me that she is 100% sure that our marriage is over.


To me, this sounds either like a woman who was 100% sure ages ago, and has simply been trying to let you down slowly since then, or like a woman who has been grasping at every possible wild idea as a solution to her problem.

From what you describe, though, her problem is that she was never fully supportive of your career. She secretly thought you'd never make it, instead of being your biggest cheering squad. She thought her reluctance to move away was irrelevant because the opportunity would never come up because she had no faith in you from the start.

A truly supportive partner would never ask you to choose between them and your passion. They would love you BECAUSE of your passion.



ConfusedCanadian said:


> There were literally no trust issues in our relationship until last week. I. Hindsight, maybe I am a naive fool. I catch her in a couple of lies and now she's super protective of her phone and tablet and seems to be hiding her phone bill. My key to her car even went missing.
> 
> What the hell has happened?!?! I was either blind or I've been blind-sided.


It's the same thing, really. You had no reason not to trust her 100% then, but now the behaviour you didn't even notice before is crying out to be distrusted.

For you, it's just further evidence that she was never 100% in your corner.



ConfusedCanadian said:


> The worst part - I would gladly go back to working at a lower level and still doing what I love to stay in what was a happy marriage. My Wife told me last night that she wishes she could rewind one year. So do I.


Even if you did, you'd have no reason to believe she wouldn't support you when you jumped at the opportunity you've been seeking all your life. This would all just happen again, unfortunately, in some other location.

This has shown you that she was never the right partner for you in the first place. She doesn't have the strength to be the partner you need. It's a painful lesson (trust me...I know).

I'm going to sound really cold here, but there are probably more potentially good partners for you out there than there are jobs in your field. Let your wife go.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CC, you are tap dancing around the elephant in the room via a stubborn helping of denial.

Do yourself a favor and check the damn phone records.

How you handle a walk away wife is completely the opposite of how you handle a wayward wife.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> CC, you are tap dancing around the elephant in the room via a stubborn helping of denial.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and check the damn phone records.
> 
> How you handle a walk away wife is completely the opposite of how you handle a wayward wife.



If you knew what she knew she would not be one step ahead of you.

Like taking your key for her car. There are more things (and more important) like that which will happen don't be clueless.

She is treating you like an adversary at the very least, even her kind words are only intended to keep you off balance. 


She wishes she could rewind it one year is something a wayward spouse says who is already committed to their affair partner and has no intention of changing anything, but gives you false hope.

Its very disingenuous stuff really, be warned.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Hi All,

My Wife and I aren't fighting like cats and dogs right now, but I think it's just because she's finally at peace with the fact that she's ending our marriage.

We ate dinner together and watched TV together the last two nights and have talked about taking the dog for a hike this weekend.

With that said, she said the moment when it really hit her that our marriage was over was when she asked her company to transfer her back to Ontario last week. She said she was throwing up before making that call. Her company is working on finding her a position in Ontario, and she's leaving as soon as they do.

The last two days we've talked a lot about what has to happen between now and the time that she leaves and about how the separation is going to work logistically and financially. She's always been in charge of finances and has done a lot of work to figure everything out.

I don't want to give up and I don't want to move on, but I feel like I have no choice to at this point. This will be the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do but I'm thinking it will only be harder if we start fighting over who gets what etc.

Even though I am dying inside, I'm trying to hold it together...at least in front of her. I told her that the last month has me looking at things a lot differently. While I was never a "bad husband", I wasn't a good enough one. I took some of the things that she did for granted. I just assumed that she would always be in love with me and stopped doing some of the little things. I wasn't able to sympathize with her difficulties in adjusting to life in Alberta, without her family and friends close by and with all of my travel. I'm having much easier time seeing things from her perspective now...but it's too late to do anything about it. The other weird thing is that despite all that has been said and done, somehow, I feel a deeper love for her now than ever. Maybe it's "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" or "you want what you can't have". Who knows.

Anyways, I'm hoping to get some advice on how to proceed from here. I know she is going to leave me as soon as she can, but there is part of me that wants to keep trying until she does. A lot of people have suggested that I spend as much time with her as I can, so I've been doing that. I hate talking about the logistics of our marriage ending wit her but I have enjoyed our other time together. With that said, should I start distancing myself fro her? Should I be eating dinner with her and watching TV with her and walking the dog with her? I'm so torn. My brain tells me that I have to start moving on. My heart won't let me. Help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

What I don't understand is why you are basing your decision for what you want on what your wife is doing...Either you want to stay married or your choose to separate/divorce. Either way YOU choose what you want and then your actions should reflect that. 

Would you harder if your wife was perhaps only 99% sure she wants to leave? 

It seems you're only willing to keep the marriage if any hard work you put into saving it results in a sure thing....


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Your only choice at this point is to implement the 180. It will help you to move on. It will also show her a bit of what to expect once she moves. 

Tell her you love her. Tell her you want her to give Alberta more time. But then move on. Start living exactly the way you will need to once she is gone.

No point in spending time with her, watching TV and/or walking the dog. You can't nice her back. Your only hope is that she sees you moving on and realizes what she is losing.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Cons,

I 100% want to stay with my Wife...but I feel like an idiot for fighting so hard for what I want when she's telling me that her mind is made up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Anyways, I'm hoping to get some advice on how to proceed from here.


Ad nauseum:

FIND THE PHONE RECORDS.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

So, because you want to avoid looking like an idiot or even the "bad guy")...you are going to passively let your wife make the decisions for your marriage and for you...

...If separation happens (with our without a fight)..it's gonna hurt... A LOT...

But start making decisions for yourself...

First- As others have suggested, ad nauseum, discover whether she's leaving because there is another man in the picture (unfortunately, it looks very likely) 

Next- decide what YOU want (it's okay to want to fight for your marriage...I see nothing idiotic in that at all...even if she still chooses to leave).

Your actions should reflect your intentions.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

No phone records...it's a work phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then hire a PI to get the information. 

And that's not what you said a few days ago. Then, you said the records were deleted. Which is it?


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

I said I couldn't find the bills...the reason is because it's a corporate account and she doesn't get the bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So hire the PI.

You're about to lose the life you planned out. At LEAST spend some money to find out the truth.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The best way to get her back is to:

Stop taking full responsibility for the state of your marriage. You were no more imperfect than she was
Gain a positive attitude about your future without her
Act glad that she made this decision
See a lawyer as soon as possible and protect yourself

No woman goes back to a man who takes 100% responsiblity for the state of the marriage and chases after her after she says she wants a divorce. Act attractively, withdraw your approval of her actions, and let her come to you.

And if she's cheating you should be less tolerant of her in your life at all any more. The probably is high beucase of her quick change in behavior and trips.


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

If I found out that she was / is cheating, I would be the one ending the marriage. She has told me numerous times that she hasn't / isn't. Despite the red flags - and I admit that there are a bunch of them, I'm inclined to believe her. She looks me in the eye when she says it. She told me that she has no interest in being in a relationship with anybody right now...she just wants to be alone. She says that she hasn't even thought about dating another person and doesn't foresee herself doing so for a long time. Am I a naive fool for believing her? I'm sure most of you think that I am.

I have a phone counseling appointment tomorrow...I'm looking forward to getting some professional help...I need it! I'm so torn. My brain / practical side tells me that I have to start preparing for the inevitable - she's leaving and I have to move on. I went to look at some houses today. That was really hard since I don't want to live in a house without her. My heart tells me that I have to "fight" until the bitter end. I know that I need a miracle or some Devine intervention...but those things do happen from time-to-time! I don't think there is anything that I can do, but I don't want to leave anything on the table.  I already have so many regrets...I don't want to regret not doing everything that I could have to save my marriage.

I'm going to read the 180 tonight...I hope that helps. I'm trying to keep it together. I haven't cried today (yet), so considering the circumstances, I've done a pretty good job so far. Today has been a better day in a very small way, but it's still been worse than any day that I had in 38 years prior to the last few weeks. I guess I have to start somewhere, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I give up. The ONE thing you could be doing to right this ship, and you won't even THINK about it. SMH


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Dude!! If she really was so desperate to leave back home, she would have left already....with or without a job transfer!!!! 

She's waiting to see if things will workout between her "probably married friend from work" 

Get her phone when she's in the shower or asleep. That's if it's not glued to her hand!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

Turnera, is that one thing hiring a PI?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

CC- the one thing you absolutely need to do is find out if she is cheating.

Wayward spouses lie. They lie to your face, they look you in the eye, they swear on their kids, they account for every minute of their time (but of course they are lying when they give the accounting.) Dang near every betrayed spouse believes that their spouse could never cheat on them. They are nearly all blind-sided. "She told me no and I trust her" is incredibly naive but frequent statement from betrayed spouses who haven't found out about it yet. IF she is cheating, she is able to do so because she banks on your blind trust. 

If she uses her i-pad or any other Apple product, you can check her Cloud to get the info. You can hire a PI. You can READ THE LINKS that have already been provided to you. I gave you the Standard Evidence thread- it will tell you ways you can snoop with and how to keep your risk low for getting caught. 

OR- you can just roll over and let your marriage die without any fight at all, any research into why or what might have caused it. 

If your wife isn't cheating, there are things you can do to try to get her back. But if she's cheating, none of those things will work. If she's cheating, you can either leave with a clear consciousness, or you can try to bust up the affair (which needs a completely different strategy than getting back a walk-away-wife.)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> Turnera, is that one thing hiring a PI?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes!

Why? Because if she IS cheating, and you can blow up the fantasy and have it - him - NOT be her go-to after dumping you, she may end up sticking around, she may lose the affair fog from the PEA chemicals of being 'in love' with this guy, and she may wake up. And realize what a mistake she was making.

Of course, it would be THEN be your job to make staying with you more inviting.

Have you done ANY investigating? Calling old friends to see who she hung out with on her many trips? Asking siblings what she's been saying? Talked to her parents to see if an old boyfriend showed up?

The 'she looked me straight in the face and said no one else' crap...EVERY cheater EVER has done that. Every one. IT'S WHAT THEY DO. Asking a cheater if they are cheating does only one thing - informs them that you're now suspicious so they know to hide the proof better.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

turnera said:


> Yes!
> 
> Why? Because if she IS cheating, and you can blow up the fantasy and have it - him - NOT be her go-to after dumping you, she may end up sticking around, she may lose the affair fog from the PEA chemicals of being 'in love' with this guy, and she may wake up. And realize what a mistake she was making.
> 
> ...


She might be in an EA(emotional affair) and not consider it cheating since no sex has happened.....yet!!! 

I think you have a better chance at saving your marriage if she's in an affair, than if she's just a WAW(walk away wife). But than again you already stated that cheating is a dealbreaker for you. How about just an EA? Could you forgive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ConfusedCanadian said:


> If I found out that she was / is cheating, I would be the one ending the marriage. * She has told me numerous times that she hasn't / isn't. Despite the red flags - and I admit that there are a bunch of them, I'm inclined to believe her. She looks me in the eye when she says it.* She told me that she has no interest in being in a relationship with anybody right now...she just wants to be alone. She says that she hasn't even thought about dating another person and doesn't foresee herself doing so for a long time. Am I a naive fool for believing her? I'm sure most of you think that I am.
> 
> I have a phone counseling appointment tomorrow...I'm looking forward to getting some professional help...I need it! I'm so torn. My brain / practical side tells me that I have to start preparing for the inevitable - she's leaving and I have to move on. I went to look at some houses today. That was really hard since I don't want to live in a house without her. My heart tells me that I have to "fight" until the bitter end. I know that I need a miracle or some Devine intervention...but those things do happen from time-to-time! I don't think there is anything that I can do, but I don't want to leave anything on the table. I already have so many regrets...I don't want to regret not doing everything that I could have to save my marriage.
> 
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She's definitely hiding things from you. It could be cheating, or it could be that she began a flurry of separation activity that she doesn't want you privy to. Either way, it's not good for you.

She has felt estranged from you with this move. She clearly dreaded it and her dread has escalated until she made her decision.

If this is why she is going, the unhappiness/doom/dread permeates her mood and mind & has driven her decisions. Once she is out of Alberta, things will look different to her. As I said, she will find her emotional equilibrium again and begin to feel that her reactions were extreme. This takes time, but it is what usually happens. This isn't WAW or affair fog. It's the fog of a spouse who feels trapped by a painful situation, a situation that is changeable.

I agree with the others that an affair would change your choices & this should be the first thing you should try to determine. She could be latching on to someone like a life preserver to propel her out of there.

If you are relatively satisfied that there is no one else, however, I would let her go, but tell her that the door is open & that you hope that she will continue to consider her decision. (Make sure she knows that you are open to creative compromises that could save the marriage.) If she is indeed suffering from the despair of the trailing spouse, she will begin to think differently once she is away from the situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what are you going to do TODAY to determine if there is cheating and to get that out of the way?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> So what are you going to do TODAY to determine if there is cheating and to get that out of the way?


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## ConfusedCanadian (Jul 4, 2015)

As GP can attest to, I tried!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gus?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Am I the only one who saw the infamous ilybnilwy speech on post #1?

CC
1). Look at the bottom of this post at my signature.
2). Click the top link.
3). Implement the VAR and GPS part. Tomorrow morning when stores open.
4). Don't argue with me. That list is a collective work of many of us and has resulted is exposing many dozens of affairs.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> Gus?


We're sleuthing...



ConfusedCanadian said:


> As GP can attest to, I tried!


...and we're not done.

CC, please reply to that last PM.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Gus is in the house!


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