# having a hard time



## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

im newly seperated and having a very difficult time with it. its tearing me apart.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry to hear it. All of us here have been through it so you came to the right place. Do you care to elaborate on your story? What happened?


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

i guess i should give a bit more info. We have been married 9 years now, have 3 children. she recently decided that she isn't happy and wants to try a seperation. my kids are not taking this well though we are trying to comfort them. i personally am not dealing well with this at all. I feel like this is the end and i just don't know what to do next. She asked me to move out, with no job, car, and just my few personal things like clothes and toiletries.


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

we come from very different backgrounds. her family is very religious and mine is very realistic and open. since we have been married they have done everything imaginable to convince her to divorce me. we even decided to try counceling..which she went to for 3 visits and stopped going


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

What attempts have you made to rule out another man?

There's no reason for you to move out of the house. Whatever you do, don't move out.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I agree you should not move out and unfortunately you do have to consider the fact that there may be someone else involved - do some digging around. We've all been in this spot - and we are all still standing here. Its a long journey with many ups & downs but it does get better. Right now you've been blindsided but you need to try & think straight & not get caught up in your grief which leads to making bad decisions. Do not move out - if she wants the seperation let her go. Be there as much as possible for your kids & see a lawyer about your rights. I know in your area many lawyers will give free consults.


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

ive spoken with an attorney before this. the state of ny allows a no contest if she wanted it, but the abandonment only applies if i fail to see my babies. in which case i have them each day now. I have the feeling she has interests in another guy, but doubt she is acting upon them. i tried to calmly speak with her just this morning about if she knew whether this was long term or not so I knew if i needed to invest in my own apartment or not, she said she doesn't know, and when she dropped the children off she is still wearing her wedding rings, which i hope is a positive sign for me. I am trying to stay clear eyed for the kids but you can easily see this effecting them bad. she says she wants a seperation from me for a while, not to see other people but to see if being away from me is what is best or not. whatever that is supposed to mean.


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

story sounds a lot like mine. it ended up at 9 years too but we only had one kid. she ended up moving out and then kicked me out one weekend while i was away. turned out another man was involved - i think that was the fuel that gave her the confidence to leave (btw she is now remarried to that man).

it isn't easy so what you are feeling is normal.

stay strong for your kids and find ways to make yourself happy. it won't be easy at first but make yourself do those things. 

i don't always agree with separations. perhaps they work for some but in my opinion be a man - stay strong and honestly begin to pick yourself up and focus on you and those kids.

don't sit around waiting on her to figure **** out - that is garbage in my opinion. marriage as we all know takes two and it takes work. 

two tips: begin to protect your interests now and don't ever give up fighting especially for those kids. anything you do now could hurt you later so stand up for what you want if things don't go the way you want.

second tip or maybe third? life after my divorce has been some of the best years of my life - wasn't easy to get through but there is life out there as long as you learn from your past and become better b/c of it.

Joe


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

every single ounce of my is praying she will fight for our marriage. and thats making it tough because i want to talk to her and see her and can't.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I know that feeling - in my case there was & still is ow hes involved with. He moved out & since the laws on the other side of the river from you don't look highly on that sort of thing I guess the ball is in my court. For the first few months I hoped he would come to his senses & come home - after almost 25 years I couldn't believe he would do this but as time has gone on I realized I'm better off without him. That our marriage was not as great as I had thought it was. I don't think its a good idea to let her string you along - if she already has interests in other guys chances are there is more to it. She may want to see how life with someone else may pan out & keep you on the side waiting in case it doesn't work out the way she thought. Its called you being her plan b. As long as you let her get away with what shes doing that's what you will be to her.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sorry that you have to be here, but you have found a great place to talk and discuss issues with similarly minded people. Most of us have been there and done that.



brokeninny said:


> ive spoken with an attorney before this. the state of ny allows a no contest if she wanted it


Most states are no fault now, if she wants out, she will get out.



brokeninny said:


> I have the feeling she has interests in another guy, but doubt she is acting upon them.


Trust your intincts, there probably is another. I would not waste a lot of time trying to prove an affair, the burden of proof is pretty high and getting the evidence can be difficult and expensive. I would focus on protecting yourself and your children.



brokeninny said:


> she says she wants a seperation from me for a while, not to see other people but to see if being away from me is what is best or not. whatever that is supposed to mean.


BS, this is really a delay tactic on her part. She is testing the waters of single life while keeping you in reserve. You are "the back-up plan" right now in case things don't work out with another man. The sooner you can see this, the better off you will be.

One thing you need to realize is that she most likely has thought about this and planned for a while. As much as it hurts, you need to put on a business face and start to deal with the realities of getting divorced. It is not an "if", it is a "when" at this piont and you need to be prepared.

First, do not move from your house. Why should you, nothing says you have to leave. Sounds like you are the caretaker of your children anyway. Worst comes to worse, stay in a spare bedroom or the basement if you need to separate in the house.

Start to look for a job, you will be expected to provide for yourself eventually. Don't forget, however, that as your stbx works, you would be entitled to child support and possible alimony if you have been a stay at home dad. Most guys won't take it, but again, why not? Don't let pride stand in the way of helping your kids.

Study your states divorce statutes and make yourself smarter about what is to come. Best defense is good knowledge. Look for a couple Dad friendly forums and ask questions. Lot's of smart guys out there.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

I have to agree with the previous poster. There are people who are not, absolutely NOT able to be direct and forthcoming with unpleasant news. They hem and hoe, and skirt the issue, making up soft blow after soft blow, until you think you've lost your mind.

If she asked you to move out, jobless, and without other means, it tells me she's done caring about you, whatever the reason may be. Oftentimes, it's multifactorial, anyway. Same people who are stalling, have been dissatisfied in silence for quite some time, and not let you in on their internal divorce process. One day, they will confront you with the facts, and there will be no turning back.

Ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who makes unilateral decisions in a partnership, without even consulting you? A family who already judged and labeled you on the basis of their own intolerance and narrow-mindedness? 

(I think you can do better! And you will!)

Baby steps, one day at a time....and it will be a long walk, but you're never walking it alone.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

I am going through something similar with my wife. 3 weeks ago she was going to leave. No affair but an EA (emotional affair) with her BFF who is married. They are tight. Too the complaints of some on this board, I do not agree with way I am handling my situation. To each their own, YOU only know all the details. This is a great board, the people mean well and I am listening, just not acting yet due to things I am seeing. Possibly I am not conveying things on the board correctly. Who knows.

Here is the thing: You must decide what the final lines are for you. For me: removal of wedding ring, affairs or dating of any kind during our separation. Each situation is similar, but different. We are here for you. These people get annoyed with me, but they do mean well. Prayers to you.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

brokeninny said:


> i guess i should give a bit more info. We have been married 9 years now, have 3 children. she recently decided that she isn't happy and wants to try a seperation. my kids are not taking this well though we are trying to comfort them. i personally am not dealing well with this at all. I feel like this is the end and i just don't know what to do next. She asked me to move out, with no job, car, and just my few personal things like clothes and toiletries.


brokeninny, most women won't stay with a guy they have to provide for. Take care of your self become self sufficient else there's probably not much chance of her deciding to work it out with you. She can easily find a man who shares finacial responsibility with her.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

Most women will state it is okay for man to stay home, but from speaking to women I hear lots of complaining, lack of respect, and anger towards their men for not working. 
One of the classic jokes is when a woman says she is raising 3 kids (2 kids and the husband) They joke but they really mean it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

noas55 said:


> Most women will state it is okay for man to stay home, but from speaking to women I hear lots of complaining, lack of respect, and anger towards their men for not working.
> One of the classic jokes is when a woman says she is raising 3 kids (2 kids and the husband) They joke but they really mean it.


:iagree:
This is one of the gender double standards fair or not.


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

and i agree with it also, but when there is just no other option at the moment...does the self wallowing and emptiness subside soon?


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

That is a tough one. 
If possible, get a job and start supporting yourself as much as you can. Anything will help your self-worth, self esteem, ego, and self respect. She will appreciate this too. It will not change anything immediately, but it is does help you.

When I stepped down from my 60-70 a week manager job to a 40 hour week job, it bugged my wife. The plan was for me to semi-retire, let my body heal while she took over the major role of money making . I supported her through 2 years of college for nurses working 85 hours a week. Tore my body up. Anyway she got it in her head that I was going to RETIRE and what was she going to do for retirement.  She forgot our plan that was talked about. 
The point is: Some women feel that the man is suppose to support them (unconsciously or not), not the other way.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

brokeninny said:


> and i agree with it also, but when there is just no other option at the moment...does the self wallowing and emptiness subside soon?


First off we may be barking up the wrong tree but maybe not. 
It's a double edge sword bn. 
- On one hand you could think "this isn't fair" and be angry about it and think your a victim. That would be easier emotionally for you because you have somewhere to place blame. 
- On the other hand you can be in a situation where you just have no choice about it but wish you were self sufficient. *In the long run this is the better scenario* but short term you have the added feelings of low self esteem to deal with because you will place some blame on yourself.

Either way I think your priority is to show that you can carry part of the load or to communicate your plan for when you can. Of course we're assuming there aren't other things in the picture like OM.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> brokeninny, most women won't stay with a guy they have to provide for. Take care of your self become self sufficient else there's probably not much chance of her deciding to work it out with you. She can easily find a man who shares finacial responsibility with her.


In this day and age, being unemployed is much more likely, and there are more single-paycheck families than ever. I'm a woman, but have no problem being the provider for the time being. If the man would not dwell in insecurity outbursts over it, or act out in different ways, that is. But I am not American, and in my culture it is okay for the man to stay home for the purpose of raising kids. For this to work, the female needs to let go as much of the ancient stereotype as the guy. Secure people, whose relationships are not based on the classic male-female roles, but more on equality, certainly can wing it, successfully.


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

so after a few days of wallowing...i went and applied for emplyment at a few places. During which I had two interviews immediately and one in the morning. Now she has no babysitter for the kids and is pissed at me because she now has to take a day off of work. I just can't win. I am trying to stand up and show her I am the man she loved, knowing it is going to take time, and that I am able to make the most responsible decisions. and somehow I am still wrong.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

brokeninny said:


> so after a few days of wallowing...i went and applied for emplyment at a few places. During which I had two interviews immediately and one in the morning. Now she has no babysitter for the kids and is pissed at me because she now has to take a day off of work. I just can't win. I am trying to stand up and show her I am the man she loved, knowing it is going to take time, and that I am able to make the most responsible decisions. and somehow I am still wrong.


I wish I could tell you all I need to tell you in a few words. I went though similar, very tough time, one kid, she left. I could have salvaged it in the same spot you are in, but I made many mistakes. I write what follows in the hope that it will help give you a chance.

I could write a book here with advice but if you only remember one thing from this post it is this. STOP PURSUING HER. I would tell you to stop wanting her, but I know that is impossible for you right now. The best you can do is control your actions, not your feelings. That alone is hard enough. So if you can, I implore you, stop pursuing her.

What does this mean?

It means all your action and words should demonstrate you are indifferent to her. To the extent that she doesn't want you, you should be (passively) demonstrating you want her even less. Just act towards her like you'd act towards the ugly girl you don't know. She has become the ugly girl on your street now. This is because (if you believe in the value of your marriage to you both and your kids) what she is doing is ugly for your marriage and ugly for your children. And you probably feel like you barely know her. So let your actions reflect this. This is acting in your self interest.

There's a spectrum of how available you can make yourself, ranging from calling her every five minutes, to ignoring her completely and indefinitely. Both of these are extremes you should avoid, especially since you have kids. However... you need to be **a LOT closer to the latter than the former**. Not only will this give you your best chance of a turnaround, but it will help you to regain personal strength and detach. Continually ask yourself to what extent you are showing personal strength and detachment. Focus on THAT above all else. Stop pursuing her. Show personal strength and detachment.

Ah but you don't want to detach, I know. DO IT ANYWAY. Finding personal strength and detachment is the single biggest thing you can do to improve the chances of saving your family. Trust me, I know, I have been through this. My marriage was so important to me, I have read about this till I understand this backwards.

Face the fear of losing her, by so doing, you show strength and emotional control. Focus your thoughts on improving your life (without her) to the greatest extent possible. Try not to allow her to get into your consciousness. At the very least by so doing you will really make her think twice about your value as a man. I disagree with other posters that say find out about her possible affairs, snoop etc. I don't think it helps. I've been through that. Don't do it man. It does not help you to detach. It does not show personal strength. Do not rationalize that it is fighting for your marriage. If it is so doing it is only from a place of neediness. You must keep your thoughts off her. 

So how would you relate to the ugly girl in the street?

1. Initiate communication with her as little as possible.
2. If she initiates communication respond but again (since you're a busy man building a new great life) as little as possible.
3. Keep all interactions with her calm, matter-of-fact. Express minimal emotion.
4. Defer and avoid all discussion she may raise about your relationship. Brush it aside. Tell her you don't know. You'll think about it. Stay off the topic. Demonstrate disinterest.
5. If she imposes, do not hesitate - push her away firmly.
6. Keep all your communications with her (that SHE initiates, remember) focused on YOUR PRIORITY, YOUR GOAL (not hers) which is moving YOU towards the great life YOU will have (without her). Read that as many times as necessary until it really sinks in!! Example: She calls you. You say, "what do you want". She says she wants to talk. Tell her you are busy and to email you. Enforce that. Unless one of your kids is in hospital, don't budge from that. In a nutshell, demonstrate you have less time for her now in everything that you say and do.
7. Avoid helping her in any way right now (you are too busy), unless by so doing you damage your kids interests, or to a greater extent your own interest. Refuse when she asks for help and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT offer. You cannot both have self-respect and help someone who is divorcing you. It reeks to high heaven of neediness. Do not do it.

And my last piece of advice? Stop pursuing her


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

first, there is no other guy. of this is don't have to question...but how, how by pushing her away is that going to make her possibly look at me once again as her man and husband, and friend. yes, I have having a hell of a time not trying to talk to her, and yes i want her more than anything right now, and im trying to stand up on my own, but this is tearing me apart.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

brokeninny said:


> first, there is no other guy. of this is don't have to question...but how, how by pushing her away is that going to make her possibly look at me once again as her man and husband, and friend. yes, I have having a hell of a time not trying to talk to her, and yes i want her more than anything right now, and im trying to stand up on my own, but this is tearing me apart.


Its not about pushing her away. You don't go up to the ugly girl on the street and push her away for no reason. You just live your own life. You just put yourself and your kids way before her. Your ship is you and your kids. You are the captain of this ship alone (for now).

Its about accepting that your new reality is not with her (at least for now). It's about accepting that just because she's on a different path, it might not be the wrong path (for now).

The sooner you can demonstrate you have adapted well to that new reality -that you are on your own for now- the stronger you will be, both in terms of your own self-esteem and her respect for you, and the greater chance you have of a reconciliation.

You will have a million ideas of what you can say or do to try to appear good in her eyes again. If you can stop pursuing her with your thoughts and actions this way, and focus instead on what you can do to make YOUR life better as a SINGLE person, you will gain immensely, and vastly improve the chances of you two getting back together. Prove to yourself and her that you are not emotionally dependent on her.

Nearly every time you talk to her right now she has feelings of anguish and pain because of the situation, and because of how she feels about what all this is causing. Don't give her that association to you! The more you talk to her the more you will push her away. You cannot rationalize and logic and persuade her to stay with you. It does not work. It backfires. There is little that you can say to her that will help you until she FEELS that she wants to try again. And that will happen when she feels you have LET GO.

Get strong on your own if you can before you spend much time with her again. Let her associate the anguish and pain with being apart, not being with you. Just focus on yourself and your kids for now. It's your best chance.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

brokeninny said:


> so after a few days of wallowing...i went and applied for emplyment at a few places. During which I had two interviews immediately and one in the morning. Now she has no babysitter for the kids and is pissed at me because she now has to take a day off of work. I just can't win. I am trying to stand up and show her I am the man she loved, knowing it is going to take time, and that I am able to make the most responsible decisions. and somehow I am still wrong.


It's still the right thing to do whether she fusses or not. You have to push forward and get established. God forbid something happen to her and then who's providing for the kids. Plus it's equally important for your own sense of purpose and self confidence. It's just the right thing.


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

so after sometime, i thought a repost was due. we are officially getting a divorce. she has been seeing another man for well over a year. i know this other guy and his wife....im better financially and emotionally, still stresed as hell but getting there.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Be strong, just focus on yourself, a happy life is waiting for you ahead.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

brokeninny said:


> so after sometime, i thought a repost was due. we are officially getting a divorce. she has been seeing another man for well over a year. i know this other guy and his wife....im better financially and emotionally, still stresed as hell but getting there.


Are they all going to live happily together as a 3some?


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## brokeninny (Jun 28, 2013)

his wife didnt know...until a few weeks ago


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

brokeninny said:


> his wife didnt know...until a few weeks ago


 How did that go?

Good luck B. Be strong.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

brokeninny said:


> so after sometime, i thought a repost was due. we are officially getting a divorce. she has been seeing another man for well over a year. i know this other guy and his wife....im better financially and emotionally, still stresed as hell but getting there.


Sorry it turned out that way. I know the feeling well. Just take it one day at a time.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry.
True happiness must start with the truth. You know. Now you can determine your future. It stings, but you can make it.


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