# Please help me understand



## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

My H of 4 years (today) has a pretty severe case of ED which I believe is related to porn addiction. Not sure of the cause/effect relationship but at this point it doesn't really matter. He is also a highly functional alcoholic. Upper management in a highly technical field and was passing out drunk literally seven nights a week.
Our entire marriage has been virtually sexless and periodically I "make a fuss" about it. Last time I made it clear I was close to leaving because of the lack of sex and he broke down and blamed it on the drinking. He has been completely sober for about six months. Nothing has changed on the physical side. Now I don't doubt the drinking helped anything but I don't think it was the primary factor in the ED or his lack of interest in me. I really think it is more about performance anxiety and/of intimacy issues.

Anyway, not sure what I am looking for here...just hoping there is someone out there who has been in this situation and might know what is going on in his head. I have about lost all hope and am ready to give up.

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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Alcoholism eventually destroys everything it touches. Sex, money, love, careers, you name it.

If you don't want it to destroy you too, you need to leave.

I hope you don't have any children with this man...


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

For the most part I have been able to manage the drinking issue constructively with boundaries and consequences. I really think it is just one more symptom of whatever the h3ll issues he has.

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Obviously the drinking is not his only problem. 

Are you going to Al Anon? If not I suggest it.

Has he been to a doctor to check out his hormone levels and general health?

Here is a site for you to read: Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

I have thought about Al Anon and I don't want to minimize the issue, but I feel like I have a handle on that as far as how I have let it effect me. Basically, I don't let his drinking effect me. I don't enable or make excuses. He's always been a heavy drinker but it escalated into the passing out nightly within the last year. We keep separate finances except for shared household expenses so it never effected me financially, his job has never even been close to being in jeopardy and he has never had a DUI or really acted out inappropriately or violently in anyway. He would just come home every night and slowly drink himself into a coma. If he passed out in his chair in front of the TV that is where he stayed the night. I never really nagged him about it, but at the same time offered no sympathy or comfort. Ultimately he came to the decision to quit on his own. Quit cold turkey and has been successful so far.

I have done alot of reading on the effects of porn and at one point he was in IC and we went jointly a few times so we both understand what it does to a normal sex drive...although I am sure he is in some denial about it.

What I don't understand is why he doesn't even want to try and fix this? He has been to Dr and checked out fine, has a prescription that helps (would help more if he took it properly)but he doesn't use, I know he loves me, we otherwise have a good relationship and he has repeatedly told me it is not about a lack of physical attraction...so what is holding him back? It has gotten to the point that the lack of sex bothers me less than his unwillingness to address the problem.

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is he still using porn?

When a person does not fix something like his issue, it's because it's serving their purpose.

I'm sorry but he is not interested in sex with you. If he really wanted sex with you, he'd move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Men are as likely to choose to make a marriage sexless as women are. Here is a book that might help you.


Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Sorry your going through this.

Depression? Well, obviously... Why?
More importantly,
How, will the two of you address it?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

What is the nature of his porn use? Sounds like there are significant potential factors you have mentioned that nothing to do with porn addiction. You also state you are not sure of the cause/effect relationship related to porn. So, why is it his porn use comes to mind?



It could be, for all I know, that he uses porn to make bearable a passive aggressive avoidance of sex with you. That is, his porn use may not be the root of the problem (and may not be an addiction), and instead something that makes his resistance to you possible.



I understand what you mean about his unwillingness to address the problem being the worst part. Just tried to explain that similar experience of mine to my wife 30 minutes ago. In response, she still maintained its all about sex for me (though it has been three years, and after many months of me no longer trying to initiate she has now two or three times "initiated" and then fallen asleep shortly after I accepted and tried to proceed).



I think in some cases, EleGirl's wording about it being a choice applies.



Do you think he might have a hard time being intimate with you because you were the one who refused to pretend his drinking was OK?



I don't harp on the boundaries I have set and my enforcement of them in the relatively recent past. However, my suspicion is she will never forgive me or feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable to me, because I'm the one that spoke the truth and held up a mirror. It was necessary, may have saved her life, certainly saved our children from further angst and made her relationship with them salvageable. But I'm be living more and more it causes her to keep me at arms length, perhaps reducing the threat my unwillingness to "look the other way" might bring, and perhaps as punishment.



Sorry you are in your situation.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Thanks for the responses. I do realize it is a choice. What I don't get is why a man would make such a choice. From discussions we have had as well as the mc and my IC, it seems pretty clear it is an intimacy issue.

Apparently the porn and ED have been issue pretty much his whole adult life (he just turned 60, I am 54). He has said that ED was only a problem in LTR and wasn't an issue until he became emotionally involved and never had a problem with casual sex. That is consistent with the history of our relationship. When it did become an issue with us, he at least still showed an interest in me and we were just more creative. Now that has even stopped. 

I was not aware of the porn until after we were married. I used to snoop at what he was looking at and it was all pretty vanilla at least by today's standards. But very frequent, even before work. Who looks at porn at 6 a.m.? I haven't snooped at all since our last blow out but have no reason to believe he has stopped.

Piece of Sky, I do believe the drinking was/is all part of emotionally distancing. Perhaps now that your wife doesn't have alcohol as a buffet of sorts, physical intimacy is too much for her.

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