# Porn help...



## torani (May 6, 2013)

So I just had my baby 3 weeks ago. I have been dying to make love to my partner... Both of us are so sleep deprived that we fall asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow. So the other morning when we woke up for work, we talked about making time that eve to be intimate... I know, not very romantic but both of us seemed excited despite the plan.. lol...

Then later that evening my partner got angry with me over a simple miscommunication about dropping off the kids... he wasn't very nice to me about it and unfortunately after that I was put off and NOT in the mood to make love to him... I was pretty hurt by some of his comments to me and on top of that very disappointed that he would be upset with me over something so minor that it ruined our plans to be intimate...

So the next day, I got on his kindle to access his address book. I have been planning a surprise dinner party for his birthday this week and needed to get a few of his friends phone numbers with out him knowing about it. when I turned it on there was a page with a beautiful naked girl pulled up... yep he was looking at porn after our fight...

We have struggled in our relationship about his porn addiction but this really hurt me. He knew I wanted to be intimate pretty badly and I feel angry that he would be mean to me then go look at porn and satisfy himself... I desperately want his sexual energy to be used with me and not the porn but that's not happening. 

When I tried to talk to him later that night about about how I was feeling he accused me of snooping in his kindle, lying about looking for his friends contact information for the bday party and then told me that I have jealousy issues and that he wasn't going to argue with me over it. we haven't even talked since that... 

I do feel jealous, even of porn... Porn is getting what I am supposed to be getting.... 

Now I feel like he chose porn over me. He could have came and apologized or tried to make things right with me after that argument so that we would be good with each other for the night and continue with our intimacy plan... but no... 

I am not sure how to cope with his porn anymore... its pushing me farther away from him... if it was once in a while I could cope but its so often that its disturbing to me.. Anyone go through this, thoughts ideas for me?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

No advice, just (hugs).

That's sad.

.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I'm a guy, but...

I would suggest communicating this. Tell him you want him to save himself for you...maybe get playful. "That co*k is mine, mister!" And grab his crotch. Tell him I he feels horned up he should come to you because you can make use of that and you are horny too.

Now, do you think he is avoiding sex with you or was that just a ****y timing thing with the fight? Did he start the fight to put sex off?


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Torani congrats on the new baby! 

I apologize in advance for jacking your thread but isn't 3 weeks too soon? I'm asking because I am pregnant now.


----------



## torani (May 6, 2013)

Healer said:


> I'm a guy, but...
> 
> I would suggest communicating this. Tell him you want him to save himself for you...maybe get playful. "That co*k is mine, mister!" And grab his crotch. Tell him I he feels horned up he should come to you because you can make use of that and you are horny too.
> 
> Now, do you think he is avoiding sex with you or was that just a ****y timing thing with the fight? Did he start the fight to put sex off?


Hi Healer, 

I attempted to communicate something similar with him.. I have told him that instead of looking at Porn he should initiate sex with me that I am available and desire it as much as he does.. But I could be more playful about it... Good suggestion. 

He gets defensive on the issue, tells me he is going to look at porn and its none of my business if he is pleasing himself.. 

I think the argument was crappy timing but it shouldn't have been as dramatic as it was. I hope he didn't start the fight to put off sex.... hmmm... that would suck if that's the case..


----------



## torani (May 6, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Torani congrats on the new baby!
> 
> I apologize in advance for jacking your thread but isn't 3 weeks too soon? I'm asking because I am pregnant now.


Hi committed,

Yes, your right the Dr. told me to wait 4-6 weeks... The first two weeks after I had her I had no desire to have sex but the 3rd week, my sex drive came back in full force and is in overdrive.... to the point where I think about it a lot of the day.... 

I just cant wait that long... lol... I have been to the Dr as of last week and everything is healing fine and I am doing great and they started me on birth control, so truthfully I am giving myself the ok to get it on... ha ha


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'd give your body some more time to heal. They typically say to wait at least 6 weeks in order to lessen your chance of infection and also to make sure you are more comfortable and ready when the time comes. You don't want to rush it. If you do, you can cause bleeding and other issues, which can be serious. 

In regards to your husband's porn use, I'd back off the topic for now to let things settle down. Then when both of you are in a more relaxed state, bring the topic back up and talk about how it made you feel and what you need from him.


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

It kind of sounds like something more is going on. Not necessarily affair or anything, but maybe a porn addiction? My stbxh/wh (I keep wavering LOL) was in the strip club 10 days after I gave birth, so I know how much it can hurt when they look elsewhere. He is also a porn addict too. Well, he's just an addict, period. You name it, he's taken it over the top.

I agree with Anonymous07. Especially in the state you are in, healing from birthing, don't put any more stress on yourself. Let it cool for a minute, then try again. If her keeps getting defensive, that could be a sign of addiction. Having dealt with many addicts in my family and in my WH, they get EXTREMELY defensive when you touch on the topic of their dependence.

In the meantime, you have found a good place for support in these forums. In my personal situation, I wish I'd found this place sooner!


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Torani, porn like this can, and does, ruin a marriage. It is destructive. It generally takes the man's focus off his wife and to another. In short, depriving you of your husband's natural affections. 

Now, to be sure, it is possible for porn to be used to stimulate a marriage, but that is by far the exception and not the rule. And if the two of you feel comfortable using it as such, then fine. Otherwise, it will continue to be a wedge between the two of you.

Porn also leads to sex addiction- and you will not be included. So the seriousness of it cannot be understated. 

My best advice is to tell him he needs to make a choice- you or his internet women. And I also suggest you monitor him heavily. If it contiues you will have even more difficult decisions to make.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Would this be a fair summary of the chain of events?




torani said:


> *A)* ....both of us seemed excited despite the plan..
> 
> *B) *Then later that evening my partner got angry with me....
> ...he wasn't very nice to me about it
> ...



--Not condoning porn here, but as a man I do understand how the male mind would try to rationalize his bad behavior. 

It looks like he got wound up by the idea of sex with you. He ruined the mood. The romantic evening didn't happen. He relieved himself manually because being up all night with aching balls is not fun. (I hope that's not too crude.)

If porn is an issue for you then you need to talk to him about it, but I'd wait until he's not feeling defensive about it.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

torani said:


> He knew I wanted to be intimate pretty badly and I feel angry that he would be mean to me then go look at porn and satisfy himself... I desperately want his sexual energy to be used with me and not the porn but that's not happening.


Just because he looked at porn doesn't mean he "satisfied himself", at least that is the case 99% of the time with me. I wouldn't know what his habits are though.



> I am not sure how to cope with his porn anymore... its pushing me farther away from him... if it was once in a while I could cope but its so often that its disturbing to me.. Anyone go through this, thoughts ideas for me?


What about watching it together? If nothing else works, try that. Might get you both in the mood.


----------



## torani (May 6, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Torani, porn like this can, and does, ruin a marriage. It is destructive. It generally takes the man's focus off his wife and to another. In short, depriving you of your husband's natural affections.
> *
> I agree, we have struggled with this issue, he disagrees... Says porn make him want to have sex with me more... I laugh cause if that were true we would be having sex ALL the time... *
> 
> ...


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Porn also leads to sex addiction


Then wouldn't sex also lead to sex addiction?


----------



## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> Would this be a fair summary of the chain of events?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is exactly how I read it. As a man, I would read this the same way. I would read this as you (OP) had no desire for sex that night. Saying you are not in the mood after some "mood killing" would simply communicate to me that you were really never in the mood to begin with. In all honesty, turning your husband down for sex and then complaining you aren't getting enough sex from him is called a non-sequitur. And why are you jealous of his alternative after you decline to have sex with him? He would only be using porn to "replace you" if you actually wanted sex and he either didn't give you any or he simply couldn't (didn't have it in him) as a result of his viewing/masturbation alternatives.

There is something to the emotional side, too. If you feel he is not available emotionally to you because of porn viewing, that is also a serious issue. In that case, I would say the porn viewing is seriously affecting your relationship in the negative by making it difficult for you to be prepared for sex.


----------



## torani (May 6, 2013)

eyuop said:


> This is exactly how I read it. As a man, I would read this the same way. I would read this as you (OP) had no desire for sex that night. Saying you are not in the mood after some "mood killing" would simply communicate to me that you were really never in the mood to begin with. In all honesty, turning your husband down for sex and then complaining you aren't getting enough sex from him is called a non-sequitur. And why are you jealous of his alternative after you decline to have sex with him? He would only be using porn to "replace you" if you actually wanted sex and he either didn't give you any or he simply couldn't (didn't have it in him) as a result of his viewing/masturbation alternatives.
> 
> There is something to the emotional side, too. If you feel he is not available emotionally to you because of porn viewing, that is also a serious issue. In that case, I would say the porn viewing is seriously affecting your relationship in the negative by making it difficult for you to be prepared for sex.


Hi eyuop,

actually I didn't decline sex or tell him in anyway that I didn't feel in the mood, even though I was hurt after he got upset with me. He was the one that declined/checked out of the opportunity... Like I said, he was upset with me over a miscommunication.


----------



## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

torani said:


> Hi eyuop,
> 
> actually I didn't decline sex or tell him in anyway that I didn't feel in the mood, even though I was hurt after he got upset with me. He was the one that declined/checked out of the opportunity... Like I said, he was upset with me over a miscommunication.


That is a little different; however if he sensed that you were hurt he probably just gave up the pursuit because the risk of being turned down. He also might of felt like having sex would possibly be giving you ground in the argument. Often when my wife is hurt (which I can sense easily), I pretty much give up on the idea of sex. There have been a few times I've pursued her when she's hurt and had "make up sex" with her -- but it is always at the risk of being turned down.

You know, torani? My hope is for you and your husband to have great communication and truly have a wonderful marriage that is filled with emotional and physical satisfaction. It can happen if both of you are willing to talk about all that needs to be talked about in your marriage. Something I learned in counseling (this was life-changing): When you lower your defenses (become vulnerable) in communication, it is just like gloves being lowered in a boxing match. When your wall comes down, you get hit and it hurts. So the natural reaction is to either raise the wall back up or throw punches. Neither works to better the situation. And this is also very key: When his walls come down (he makes himself vulnerable), your reaction (if you are wounded) will likely be to use his more vulnerable position to "get a few licks in" -- which will only cause him raise his defenses again. 

So how do you get out of this situation? Only you have the power to do it (since you can't make your husband do anything). You have to be willing to lower your defenses and not punch when he lowers his. This means you have to be willing to take some blows before he is comfortable enough to lower his defenses. It also means that you have to decide not to use his lowered defenses as a chance to strike (which, by the way, feels so darn good when you are hurting and wounded! Nothing like a good "open" roundhouse punch to make you feel better!).

People talk about "not getting defensive", but it is a very natural thing to do if you have been hurt a lot. It sounds like both of you are wounded and he is dealing with it in unhealthy ways (porn is always an easy way out for a guy). I think if you will be the "mature one" and put aside your hurts long enough to really go deep in the communication with your husband and truly ask how he is feeling (and remember, no punching when his walls are down), I'm confident you can get somewhere significant. Yes, I'm putting the onus on you and asking you to do what is "not fair".


----------



## torani (May 6, 2013)

eyuop said:


> That is a little different; however if he sensed that you were hurt he probably just gave up the pursuit because the risk of being turned down. He also might of felt like having sex would possibly be giving you ground in the argument. Often when my wife is hurt (which I can sense easily), I pretty much give up on the idea of sex. There have been a few times I've pursued her when she's hurt and had "make up sex" with her -- but it is always at the risk of being turned down.
> 
> You know, torani? My hope is for you and your husband to have great communication and truly have a wonderful marriage that is filled with emotional and physical satisfaction. It can happen if both of you are willing to talk about all that needs to be talked about in your marriage. Something I learned in counseling (this was life-changing): When you lower your defenses (become vulnerable) in communication, it is just like gloves being lowered in a boxing match. When your wall comes down, you get hit and it hurts. So the natural reaction is to either raise the wall back up or throw punches. Neither works to better the situation. And this is also very key: When his walls come down (he makes himself vulnerable), your reaction (if you are wounded) will likely be to use his more vulnerable position to "get a few licks in" -- which will only cause him raise his defenses again.
> 
> ...


eyuop, thanks for the insight, I appreciate it. I am going to take your advice and try this... At this point it cant hurt anything to try and I need to do something different to get a different outcome than I am getting now.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You stated he had a porn addiction, so this is different than him just viewing porn once in awhile because you all can't have sex right now. 

It sounds like boundaries and a possible ultimatum need to be in place. People need consequences for their actions and behavior, especially if its damaging the marriage. Don't dish out a ultimatum though unless you know you will follow through with what yous aid you will do.


----------

