# Do I keep on asking about EA?



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi all. My WH had an AE in April that lasted aprox 8 weeks. We are trying hard to save our marriage and he's doing everything he can to reasure me that it's over and that we can survive this BUT he won't talk about the AE at all. He says we have Bern through it all and there's nothing more to say. It's done!! But I still feel the need to talk about it. I don't know if I've had the whole truth and I don't think I know everything.

So my question is, do I just leave it alone and try and move on? Concerntrate on now and the future? Or do I try and get him to talk about it? He hadn't spoken to anyone at all and I really think it would help him but he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. So what should I do guys? Any advice is more than welcome.

Also, he still works with het. Have any of you continued to work in the same place with the OW successfully? I'm finding the situation very difficult. He's home on time every day. Txts me from work and reasures me it'd over! But I just feel do insecure it drives me crazy!!

BTW. Been married 18 years. 3 children. Never ever suspected him of anything before. Always very judgemental of affairs and the like.

Thanks all, Daisy x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

To my mind he should talk with you about it. He shouldn’t clam up but should be really open and honest with you. But some just don’t know that honesty really is the very best policy. Most especially in these affairs of the heart, your heart.

You need to know the answers to your questions. So be constructive and write all your questions down. Then give them to your H and just tell him you will truly appreciate his honest and open answers, in writing, and that you really need those answers and you feel that he owes them to you. Tell him to be your man, but this time not to worry about hurting you with what he says, because you need the Truth. That you will not punish him for his openness and honesty and you will not hold what he says against him. And to take his time but you would appreciate if he can have them all answered within two weeks.

You may get more ideas and suggestions in the Coping with Infidelity forum.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks for your reply.

It did cross my mind to write him a letter and i might think about that over the weekend. Need to think about what exactly it is that i want to know too! I think its just the nagging doubt that i dont know everything that bothers me, where i know i need to know, it does frighten me too. In all honesty im not even sure he will tell me because i was so devastated when i found out and he knows how much he hurt me, i wonder if he thinks itll just be too much hurt all over again!


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Could be, my wife did it to me. I had to drag out the details and only more came out after I found more proof. I know she didnt want to tell me more cause she knew she screwed up and didnt want to make it worse or hurt me more. I know I dont know more but until you know enought to be comfortable (not a good word but you get the point) you will not move on.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Maybe he realized how much he hurt you, and that he's too ashamed...I think eventually he will open up. It hurts, I know, my H had an EA, too...it turned my little world upside down and I'll never be the same again.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks 2yearssince

So this is what i know (for sure)
He works with her
It lasted about 8 weeks
All txting
no phone calls
Didnt meet outside of work (cos when he wasnt with me was txtin)
He wrote her a letter telling her he wanted to be with her
He wasnt happy (says he is now)
He only socialised with her twice (work night out)

What hes told me:
Just Friends!!! (yadda yadda, of course he does now admit it was an affair)
There was no physical contact
He doesnt love her
Doesnt want to be with her

What i want to know?
You know what? I dont know and writing this has been quite revealing. It the fact that he sees her everyday, talks to her and is in the same building!!! It drives me crazy!! Can you still work with a personal you had an AE with and it just be platonic! He tells me he feels nothing for her! Can that be true?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HappyAtLast said:


> Maybe he realized how much he hurt you, and that he's too ashamed...I think eventually he will open up. It hurts, I know, my H had an EA, too...it turned my little world upside down and I'll never be the same again.


And i do understand that. The only information i have about the EA i literally had to drag out of him. This is why i wonder if he has told me everything.

Did your husband open up to you? Would he talk about the EA?

When i found out about the AE i started receiving anonymous emails from someone telling me my husband was having an affiar etc etc. I think they were from the OW or her H. I also found out by accessing his FB acount that he had sent the OW some letters saying how he wanted to be with her. Her husband had found them and had FBd my hubby to tell him to stop!! When i confronted him with this he was truky ashamed of what he had done and he promised no more secrets and that there was nothing else he was hiding!!

So as you can see he has not been very forthcoming with information but does that really mean that i theres more? I dont know x


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> And i do understand that. The only information i have about the EA i literally had to drag out of him. This is why i wonder if he has told me everything.
> 
> Did your husband open up to you? Would he talk about the EA?
> 
> ...


He said the reason he got involved with her is because she is a lot more outgoing than me...but he still insists that they were just "friends"...I guess you could say it was a long distance EA. He later found out what a nut job she was...we separated over this...we're now back together, but it still bothers me to this day.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

He may not be completely over the EA yet. You will know when he is because he can talk freely about it to you. My wife had a brief EA about nine months ago and now she talks freely about it with no emotion anymore. I know she is completely over him...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He hadn't spoken to anyone at all and I really think it would help him but he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. ... But I just feel do insecure it drives me crazy!!


He doesn't want to discuss it ... you are going crazy. This needs to be hashed out with a very good marriage counselor. At the very least, you need to be clear on his motives for clamming up, and you need to be clear on exactly what is driving you crazy.

This sounds like a problem that can be constructively resolved in a controlled environment (i.e., a marriage counselor's office). A counselor can (hopefully!) ask our husband the appropriate questions that will draw him out so you will know what is on his mind. I understand you insecurity; you need closure.

MC. Definitely.


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## ISB303 (Oct 18, 2011)

EA's suck. My wife had 3 in the 14 years we have been married. The latest one was long-distance, sexting included, courtship with an old co-worker she always thought was cute and nice and regretted not going out with when she was single(what she meant was the 2 year period between seperating from her ex and meeting me) as I discovered later after she forgot to delete one of their online rendevous. 

EA's make the cheated-on spouse feel inadequate and worthless. Until he addresses how he made you feel, there can be no healing. That's the one thing above the rest, that helped. He needs to realize it hurt you deep and own the problem and the solution.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks all for your input,

Had a bad couple of days, esp over the weekend, just couldnt stop myself from crying and feeling needy. We talked on Fri evening and Sun morning. It kills him, i can see the hurt and pain in his eyes. The more i probe and cry the more he withdraws. i told him i miss us, i miss the physical contact and the emotional conection we had. He says hes not withdrawing on purpose. Just finds it really difficult to deal with, hes let me down, let himself down but he wants to deal with it in his own way and that means just putting it to the back of his mind, not thinking about it and taking one day at a time.

So i made a decision yesterday. Im not going to talk about it. Im not going to ask him anymore questions and i am going to do my crying when he is not around. I have 2 weeks offf work now, he has next week off with me and i am going to concerntrate on being positive and try to push it to the back of my mind. I know some of you will think this isnt the best option but im going to give it a go. He knows hes hurt me, and if i keep on brining it up all the time, is it really going to help?

Ive told him that whle i am off work for the 2 weeks that i am not going to do any more probing and questioning. That i believe everything he has told me and that i am going to try and accept it and move on. He said i need to talk to him if things are bothering me, but i told him that if i need confort i will let him know, but thats all i want, comfort, no talking, just a hug and some attention.

Im going to start IC soon (he wont go to MC - so im not going to make him), ive got close friends i can vent and talk too and im going to start writing a journal, just as a way of getting my feelings
out. So hopefully that will help.

Will let you know how it goes!


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## ISB303 (Oct 18, 2011)

I keep remembering even good people do bad things. My wife is gorgeous, kind, considerate, loveing, etc... She is also judgemental, two-faced, deceptive, etc... The good qualities outweigh the bad for sure. I know she loves me but I also know that I am not the only man she has ever loved. That her good and bad qualities are not unique to this relationship. The last thing I want to do is drive more people to divorce. Look at me, 3 times and I am still in-love with her. I advocate communicate not seperate.

This is what my psych said to me bluntly. DON'T TRUST HER 100% ANYMORE. I put it in caps cause I kept trying to argue that trust is the foundation and has to be rebuilt and yadayadayada. And she(my psych, yes a women doc saying this about another woman) kept repeating it.

She extrapolated later and said to rebuild the trust and don't be oppresive and other stuff. But do wonder where she is when she is late or what she is doing on the computer or cell when I am not around. Confront her when I feel the need to and don't accept answers that would stifle a conversation. She goes to the same psych now and several times during that period we turned our IC's into 2hr MC sessions. We found out that she had her own issues with sexuality and I was doomed from the beginning and our psych bluntly stated that she was surprised there hadn't been more incidents of infidelity. So this may not fit your problem. And I may be putting more thoughts in your head that may not apply so please take only what you want from this and don't let it damage you relationship further.

The fact that you made the descision not to talk about it so soon is great on your part. I couldn't let it go and for me that was a good thing as it brought out more of the stuff she was hiding and a bad thing as it kept me thinking "what else is she not telling me". But if it works for you I wish I had your commitment and inner peace.

The not wanting to go to MC isn't that uncommon for men. I was fortunate and already seeing a psych before this happened. She started seeing her a year before this happened. So like said above, we turned our IC sessions into 2hr long MC sessions for a while. The one bonus about MC is you have an educated, seen that, know some solutions referree onhand to stop things from blowing out.

Whatever your descision, you sound like you are still in-love with your man. Remeber that when things get tough and even knock-down, drag-out, call each other horrible names fights can be resoved. Divorce is not the answer and it sounds like it never was for you so good for you. 

My mom had this peice of advice "Never go to bed angry". It works ... most of the time.


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