# Why is it common for men to not realize wife is cheating?



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I am wondering if there is something in our biological make up that makes us "not believe" or notice our wife is having an affair. Or is it societal, with us believing "No way, women do not cheat like men"? Or something different?

I ask because I went through this, and looking back ignored or excused the red flags. I also notice on this site, when men come here to ask for advice, they also are often times adamant that "My wife isn't cheating", although she exhibits every single characteristic, and then later they find 100% proof.

Secondly, how did most of you men (or women) trust again? Did you tell your new partner what happened? If for example, your new partner is on Facebook often, or needs to fly out of town, or little things don't add up, are you much quicker to assume cheating?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Egos and pedestals.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

marriedman321 said:


> I am wondering if there is something in our biological make up that makes us "not believe" or notice our wife is having an affair. Or is it societal, with us believing "No way, women do not cheat like men"? Or something different?
> 
> I ask because I went through this, and looking back ignored or excused the red flags. I also notice on this site, when men come here to ask for advice, they also are often times adamant that "My wife isn't cheating", although she exhibits every single characteristic, and then later they find 100% proof.
> 
> Secondly, how did most of you men (or women) trust again? Did you tell your new partner what happened? If for example, your new partner is on Facebook often, or needs to fly out of town, or little things don't add up, are you much quicker to assume cheating?



Good question, it's true, we often have a hard time accepting the possability. I assume it's a gender trait of some sort, or a pride thing. Hey, I was like you, never thought it would happen. Denial is strong with us :scratchhead:


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Women who are inclined to cheat are expert in diversion and better equipped to string their "mark" along for years at a time.
Some men who have been burned by the treatment never
find a way to develop trust, again.
If one makes the decision to not seek a permanent partner
trust becomes a moot point.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

In my case we were sometimes like ships that passed in the night, i was working two jobs and a lot of overtime inbetween and once home giving her time to herself and she would visit friends when i rested or done activities with the kids, i put her distance done to just my tiredness and a little post natal depression with her and not just a case of her being ungrateful and stabbing me in the back as i slaved to provide for the family, we are still together but the trust isn't there but give her her due she does work harder than ever to please and earn it back, now down to one job and told her to get back to work now i'm enjoying quality of life and have time to have my needs met and hers and more importantly spot any threats to my family life


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

hookares said:


> Women who are inclined to cheat are expert in diversion and better equipped to string their "mark" along for years at a time.
> Some men who have been burned by the treatment never
> find a way to develop trust, again.
> If one makes the decision to not seek a permanent partner
> trust becomes a moot point.


:iagree:


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

I think most people trust their spouse by default (their first marriage at least!). It's part of the marriage decision to evaluate (consciously or subconsciously) the trustworthiness of a potential life partner. 

Does any guy (or woman) say to themselves, "yeah, I'm betting this person will totally betray me, but I'm going to ask them to marry me tomorrow anyways!"

And how many stories have we heard about the OM being the betrayed spouse's "best friend"? they missed the red flags that their best friend was stabbing them in the back.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> I am wondering if there is something in our biological make up that makes us "not believe" or notice our wife is having an affair. Or is it societal, with us believing "No way, women do not cheat like men"? Or something different?
> 
> I ask because I went through this, and looking back ignored or excused the red flags. I also notice on this site, when men come here to ask for advice, they also are often times adamant that "My wife isn't cheating", although she exhibits every single characteristic, and then later they find 100% proof.
> 
> Secondly, how did most of you men (or women) trust again? Did you tell your new partner what happened? If for example, your new partner is on Facebook often, or needs to fly out of town, or little things don't add up, are you much quicker to assume cheating?


There was some research that showed that men were much more accurate, but less likely to suspect. I suspect one aspect is that men are more likely to knowlingly cheat, whereas when women cheat it is during a temporary break that their husband did not know about, or some other excuse. That can mean she does not act in a suitably shifty manner.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> There was some research that showed that men were much more accurate, but less likely to suspect. I suspect one aspect is that men are more likely to knowlingly cheat, whereas when women cheat it is during a temporary break that their husband did not know about, or some other excuse. That can mean she does not act in a suitably shifty manner.


That was my situation. It seems my ex really believes we were separated but I had no idea. So in her mind she didn't cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

marriedman321 said:


> That was my situation. It seems my ex really believes we were separated but I had no idea. So in her mind she didn't cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excuses, denial of the truth, blame shifting are all tools of the cheaters tool belt. Don't let them go back and rewrite history on you....


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think it's because you don't want to see it or believe it. I have actual training in catching people in lies and yet my x was able to do it to my face and I bought it. You just don't want to believe that someone you love would actually hurt you so badly.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Not paying attention?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think it's because you don't want to see it or believe it. I have actual training in catching people in lies and yet my x was able to do it to my face and I bought it. You just don't want to believe that someone you love would actually hurt you so badly.


:iagree:

Same here. Even though I was burned like this many years ago, my fWW was able to do it to me for a while. It's the whole pedestal concept, you really don't want to believe that the person you trust most would be doing this to you.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Same here. Even though I was burned like this many years ago, my fWW was able to do it to me for a while. It's the whole pedestal concept, you really don't want to believe that the person you trust most would be doing this to you.


Looking back I feel pretty dumb. It was seemingly so obvious. Then I came to post here and was one of those same guys who say "yes she is doing x,y,and z but not cheating."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Egos and pedestals.


Get a case of beer for that one.

Think about it. Why would a man even enter into a modern marriage, something where he gains little to no tangible benefit, but stands to lose half of everything. A combination of "it won't happen to me" and "she wouldn't do something like that."

Of the two, I think the pedestal is the most dangerous. Find a eighteen or nineteen year old service member about to tie the knot. He has his "girl" elevated so high you need a breathing apparatus to meet her.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Your brain is wired to rationalize (avoid) causing you pain. Therefore, even if red flags are present your brain will not let you see them. This goes for women as well.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ripper said:


> Get a case of beer for that one.
> 
> Think about it. Why would a man even enter into a modern marriage, something where he gains little to no tangible benefit, but stands to lose half of everything. A combination of "it won't happen to me" and "she wouldn't do something like that."
> 
> Of the two, I think the pedestal is the most dangerous. Find a eighteen or nineteen year old service member about to tie the knot. He has his "girl" elevated so high you need a breathing apparatus to meet her.


This is true. I also notice that cheating makes absolutely no difference in court. Not even with the payment of alimony. Unless a man cheats, then it migt work against him. I am not sure. 

It just seems to be a way for a woman to obtain security. During the marriage and after.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> This is true. I also notice that cheating makes absolutely no difference in court. Not even with the payment of alimony. Unless a man cheats, then it migt work against him. I am not sure.
> 
> It just seems to be a way for a woman to obtain security. During the marriage and after.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In my situation, my wife took our money to leave the country twice to see her lover. Gone for 20 days. Just leave my son and I. 

She takes the stand at the temporary hearing and was asked if she has any money or recieved any. She said no. 

My lawyer shows her her own banks statement in which this man wired her 10,000. She said she forgot. Then she said for sure that is all she received. My attorney produces another bank wire from the same man. This one for 15,000 one month earlier. She states she gave the money back. 

So after that, the judge still feels I should pay her alimony. And she had absolutely nothkng negative on me. If that is how marriage works, why would a guy want to marry ? The Judge even assigned an amount exceeding my income.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> In my situation, my wife took our money to leave the country twice to see her lover. Gone for 20 days. Just leave my son and I.
> 
> She takes the stand at the temporary hearing and was asked if she has any money or recieved any. She said no.
> 
> ...


Was the judge a woman? Or a man that your xw was boning?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Was the judge a woman? Or a man that your xw was boning?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Judge was a woman
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> Judge was a woman
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Am I good? That must have been super fun. May her SO cheat and give her the itchies!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Am I good? That must have been super fun. May her SO cheat and give her the itchies!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seemed to be a complete farce. Luckily my wife was willing to mediate and pass on the continued alimony as she wants to remarry this next fool quickly. It still put me in a bad position to make a deal from. As of now my wife just bought a land rover and lives in an expensive in town apartment. Great decision judge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Ahhh - the Brazilian "haves" and "have nots" - a huge divide with lots of blood- stained money! So he is one of the "haves".

I have Portuguese connections and know the Brazilian culture reasonably well - not for the light hearted, I can tell you.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Ahhh - the Brazilian "haves" and "have nots" - a huge divide with lots of blood- stained money! So he is one of the "haves".
> 
> I have Portuguese connections and know the Brazilian culture reasonably well - not for the light hearted, I can tell you.


Elaborate. And I agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

High maintenance, above average Latin emotions and drama, a sense of entitlement beyond compare, beautiful people but a huge social divide, very high sexuality, and an above average level of infidelity! But the lure is still there and many cannot resist!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Oh and I should add, particularly when it comes to the women, they are never wrong! Everything they do is completely justified and 100% your fault. Trust me I have the scars.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maybe we're stupid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Oh and I should add, particularly when it comes to the women, they are never wrong! Everything they do is completely justified and 100% your fault. Trust me I have the scars.


Yes exactly. Will never hear an apology. That's for sure. 

I would say out of her entire family and friends, not one was what I would call honest. Or not a liar. But if you call them a liar they take great offense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how long is alimony for marriedman?


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Xenote said:


> how long is alimony for marriedman?


She wanted the divorce over quickly, so she agreed to accept no alimony (I ended up paying 2 months) as long as I went to mediation instead of a full trial.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

Observer said:


> Good question, it's true, we often have a hard time accepting the possability. I assume it's a gender trait of some sort, or a pride thing. Hey, I was like you, never thought it would happen. Denial is strong with us :scratchhead:


Yup. This is something that I know I will ignore even when I see it. Maybe men are not as observant as women. Not sure. I believe in a notion if unjust her happy, she will be fine.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There are just as many, if not more, women who ignore the signs that he is cheating as there are men who ignore them.

What's your point here? Are you attempting to claim men are exalted innocents against the evil wiles of women?

More victim chair moaning?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I don't really understand cheating on a lot of levels. But one is, who has the time? Where does the time come from?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> There are just as many, if not more, women who ignore the signs that he is cheating as there are men who ignore them.
> 
> What's your point here? Are you attempting to claim men are exalted innocents against the evil wiles of women?
> 
> More victim chair moaning?


Initially I thought this too, but after reading the full thread I don't think this is where OP was going.

I think it is a genuine question on why it "seems" like men are becoming more likely to intentionally ignore infidelity or at least the possibility of it. And I think there are genuine gender differences that cause this. One of which has been mentioned and that is pride/ego.

We tend to think we are such great studs and that our ladies would never hurt us like that. Not necessarily as a defense mechanism to avoid pain, but a real belief that we are "better" than the other guys who get cheated on.

I'm guilty of this to. Not sure if I have been cheated on or not but reading the stories here I would be a fool to believe my wife isn't capable of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Why is it common for men to not realize wife is cheating?*

Eh, I don't know. I think men and women alike do a lot of times pick up on the cues that their partner is acting differently/something is off. We see it time and time again on these boards.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Why is it common for men to not realize wife is cheating?*



jld said:


> Not paying attention?


When you have absolute trust and faith in the loyalty of your spouse, whom you each made vows with, why would you be looking for such seemingly nonexistent problems to give your attention to?

(Especially when you've been deliberately deceived and manipulated to believe the real problems you are giving your attention to are something else entirely)


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I was just stupid, and overly confident. 

I never thought XW would cheat on me. Because, I'm me. Which sounds very full of myself, I know. 
But I was in great shape. Years of steroids, a recreational habit I developed when I was younger and practiced safely for years, made me feel like she could never find a better looking man. 
And I made well over 6-figures a year. I provided amply for my wife. 
Plus we talked. I understood the need for the emotional intimacy, so I made sure I fulfilled it. 

So when she told me, I couldn't understand. 

I saw some changes in behavior, but I just assumed it was due to a larger work load. I didn't think to check to see if she was actually doing what she said she was. 
And she deceived me masterfully. But I was likely not that hard to deceive.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Because we trust and love you and you murder us.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

maybe the reason you think it's only men who are in this situation is because you are a man and you talk to other man. Men confined in other men, women confine in other women. I know mostly women who were shocked by their husband cheating. 

And women are more likely to go and cry on their best friend's shoulder, do not need to look for the internet forum. While for many men, who still struggle with the social pressure of being strong and not vulnerable, insternet forum like TAM is the best, anonymous place to go to look for advise. 

Or - if you just want validation of your opinion - woman is a child of Satan, she picked the apple from the forbidden tree and now we all are suffering, even innocent males.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Some women (and men) are just good at cheating.

In other cases "Why is it not common for men to notice their wives are cheating?" can be answered by the common reason cited by wives who cheat. "Because he hasn't noticed me for years."

If you've given up noticing that they're cooking and cleaning for you,, and haven't noticed them getting píssed off at being taken for granted,, an affair is just one more thing you haven't noticed.

Generally speaking, content people don't cheat,, irrespective of gender.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> I am wondering if there is something in our biological make up that makes us "not believe" or notice our wife is having an affair. Or is it societal, with us believing "No way, women do not cheat like men"? Or something different?
> 
> I ask because I went through this, and looking back ignored or excused the red flags. I also notice on this site, when men come here to ask for advice, they also are often times adamant that "My wife isn't cheating", although she exhibits every single characteristic, and then later they find 100% proof.
> 
> Secondly, how did most of you men (or women) trust again? Did you tell your new partner what happened? If for example, your new partner is on Facebook often, or needs to fly out of town, or little things don't add up, are you much quicker to assume cheating?


We, men and women, don't notice because we trust them too much. We assume they love us as much as we love them and they feel the same loyalty as we do.

Its hard to trust again but in a new relationship we have to remember they are not our ex's that betrayed us and not everyone cheats.

However after being through being cheated on the red lights will become much brighter. So yes you will probably become much quicker to assume cheating because you have become an expert on recognizing the signs. Which are often the same even if it isn't the same partner.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Actually, I was cheated on by both of my W's! With W#1, it was the corporate culture and the desire to move up in the corporate world that caused her to spread her legs wide open for some old-fart VP who told her that the route leading to the boardroom also ran straight through his boudoir. She gave off numerous signs that were easily traceable, such as new fashionable clothes, new skivvies from Victoria's Secret, and a heretofore freshly shaven pudenda, obviously being groomed for someone else's benefit other than my own. And while she was rather deceptive about it, she was all too easy to follow! Ultimate outcome: Divorce!

Then enter my rich, skanky XW#2, who was so much more guarded and clandestine about her sordid activities. Her mantra was largely, "out of state, out of mind." So she took it upon herself to run the Texas Hill Country back roads, all on legitimized "business trips" to see her loverboys that she had reestablished connections with on FB! All while leaving me at home to work the farm and to do ranch chores, all while she was out several counties away "getting the pudding churned" by the OMen, all without the first bit of knowledge or even suspicion on my part! Then she'd fastly return home and roll my ashes, making me feel like the luckiest stiff in the entire world and then hastily burying my face in all of her areas that had just recently been occupied and used by her BF's that I didn't have the first damn clue about!

It took damn near a year post-separation to find out all about her timelines and activities. Which, of course, presumably left a bad taste in my mouth, no pun intended! She was far more guarded and clandestine in her sordid comings and goings than XW#1 ever dreamed of being!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lon said:


> When you have absolute trust and faith in the loyalty of your spouse, whom you each made vows with, why would you be looking for such seemingly nonexistent problems to give your attention to?
> 
> (Especially when you've been deliberately deceived and manipulated to believe the real problems you are giving your attention to are something else entirely)


Did this happen to you, Lon?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

"getting the pudding churned"
:lol:

That was frickin' great! 

Anyway, I think it has to do with being a bit self-absorbed. I think there are too many factors to pin it down and no one can be vigilant enough to never be surprised by deception. Just look at everyday life. We are deceived all the time, mostly in small ways that don't get our full attention.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> I was cheated on by both of my W's! With W #1, it was the corporate culture and the desire to move up in the corporate world that caused her to spread her legs open for an old-fart VP who told her that the route leading to the board room also ran straight through his boudoir. She gave off numerous signs that were easily traceable, such as new fashionable clothes, new skivvies from Victoria's Secret, and a heretofore freshly shaven pudenda obviously being groomed for someone else's benefit other than my own. And while she was deceptive about it, she was all too easy to follow!
> 
> Enter my rich, skanky XW #2, who wasuch more guarded and clandestine about her sordid activities. Her mantra was largely "out of state, out of mind." She ran the roads, all on "business trips" but it was to see her lover pus that she had re established connections with on FB! All while leaving me at home to work the farm and to do ranch chores, all while she was out several counties away getting the pudding churned by the OM, all without the first bit of knowledge or even suspicion on my part! Then she'd return home and roll my ashes, making me feel like the luckiest guy in the world and hastily burying my face in areas that had just recently been occupied and used by BF's that I didn't have the first damn clue about!
> 
> It took damn near a year post-separation to find out all about her timelines and activities. Which presumably left a bad taste in my mouth, no pun intended he was far more guarded and clandestine in her sordid activities than XW #1 ever was!


Arbitrator,

I have to state I do not believe I have ever seen the English language used more poetically as you have above. Good show old chap!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Eloquence does flow from the Arb man no?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that most people, men and women, do not see the signs of cheating. Some for a long time.

I've read that 50% of all cheating is never discovered. That's a pretty high number.

In both of my marriages I did not notice for a while because the cheating was done at school, at work and when they traveled. They are good liars and had good cover.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Conan: Thanks for your comment regarding the verbal and written eloquence, but in reality, I'm little more than an educated ******* who was sent off to college by an old man who vowed to see his boys more educated (but not more successful) than he was. I absolutely love to write and try, in some small way, to make the reader as well as all of my dear friends smile, or perhaps choke on their food if they make the fatal mistake of eating while reading!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Clawson: Attach the above comment to yourself as well, my friend!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Because love and family is our safety net. We spend all day fighting dragons and pulling bodies out of car wrecks and when we come home it's our safe haven.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

marriedman321 said:


> I am wondering if there is something in our biological make up that makes us "not believe" or notice our wife is having an affair. Or is it societal, with us believing "No way, women do not cheat like men"? Or something different?
> 
> I ask because I went through this, and looking back ignored or excused the red flags. I also notice on this site, when men come here to ask for advice, they also are often times adamant that "My wife isn't cheating", although she exhibits every single characteristic, and then later they find 100% proof.
> 
> Secondly, how did most of you men (or women) trust again? Did you tell your new partner what happened? If for example, your new partner is on Facebook often, or needs to fly out of town, or little things don't add up, are you much quicker to assume cheating?


I was deceived by a world class liar who hid in what I later realized was her "Susie Creamcheese" persona.

She acted all wholesome and cute as a button for the longest time.

Meanwhile, wh0ring herself for years.

I could not reconcile who I thought I married and who she really was.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Actually, I was cheated on by both of my W's! With W#1, it was the corporate culture and the desire to move up in the corporate world that caused her to spread her legs wide open for some old-fart VP who told her that the route leading to the boardroom also ran straight through his boudoir. She gave off numerous signs that were easily traceable, such as new fashionable clothes, new skivvies from Victoria's Secret, and a heretofore freshly shaven pudenda, obviously being groomed for someone else's benefit other than my own. And while she was rather deceptive about it, she was all too easy to follow! Ultimate outcome: Divorce!
> 
> Then enter my rich, skanky XW#2, who was so much more guarded and clandestine about her sordid activities. Her mantra was largely, "out of state, out of mind." So she took it upon herself to run the Texas Hill Country back roads, all on legitimized "business trips" to see her loverboys that she had reestablished connections with on FB! All while leaving me at home to work the farm and to do ranch chores, all while she was out several counties away "getting the pudding churned" by the OMen, all without the first bit of knowledge or even suspicion on my part! Then she'd fastly return home and roll my ashes, making me feel like the luckiest stiff in the entire world and then hastily burying my face in all of her areas that had just recently been occupied and used by her BF's that I didn't have the first damn clue about!
> 
> It took damn near a year post-separation to find out all about her timelines and activities. Which, of course, presumably left a bad taste in my mouth, no pun intended! She was far more guarded and clandestine in her sordid comings and goings than XW#1 ever dreamed of being!


Your story sounds a lot like mine except it was my husband that was the skanky ho going after the teenagers. Except when he came home he wasn't nice, tried to make me feel very badly about myself. 

We made up, sort of, still don't trust him and never will.


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