# I left, I don't know if it's right.



## morethanthis (Dec 3, 2008)

Hey everyone! I'm new to these forums, but I'm just confused and not sure about what I just did. I know that ultimately what I choose to do is up to me, it just really helps to hear advice other people's perspectives. 

First of all, here's a little background info:
I've been married about a year and a half now, I'm 20 yrs old now... yes I know, we're very young. My husband and I dated on and off in high school, I ended up not talking to him for about 2 years until the end of my first year away at college. Then, he contacted me... I knew I had never stopped loving him and started talking to him again. He had just gotten back from being with the army overseas and not very long after, I moved to where he was stationed and we got married. 

He was medically discharged about 10 months ago and we moved back to where we grew up. He's always been pretty insecure, but for about a year now (so most of our marriage) it's been too much for me. I was going to go back to school, he knew I wanted to before we were even engaged, but now we constantly fight about it because he doesn't want me to go for his own selfish, insecure reasons. I want to have a job and a career, he has issues with that and is very old-fashioned and conservative when it comes to marriage. I'm not at all, I'm very liberal and open-minded. If I go out with any of my friends (which are all female, I've had to drop any male friends I had because my husband didn't see it as appropriate) I have to be home by the time he's home or he has a fit. I have to be in bed when he is or I'm being "inconsiderate". I like to pick and choose my battles, but he wants to have long conversations and arguments about ANYTHING that is bothering either one of us. 

Yesterday, after a bunch of things had been building up for a while, he blew up over the phone at me for asking if it was alright that I pick up his drycleaning in the morning before he had to go to work. I didn't have time because I was asked last minute by my old therapist if I could go speak at an ANAD meeting (National Association for Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Eating Disorders) about my recovery and how I got through my eating disorder. He just kept saying that I needed to figure out what my priorities are, to him his drycleaning was more important than me talking to people and giving them hope that the illness they struggle with and that I once struggled with can be overcome. 

... so yesterday I just grabbed a few of my things and went to my parents' house because I just felt so tired of pretending like everything was okay (which is wrong of me) and having the same fights over and over. I'm so sick of him being pessimistic 24/7, being ignorant about so many things (which he's admitted to), and just his attitude towards life and everything. He keeps trying to say that he'll change and he'll do anything to make this work, but I know and have been told many, many times that people don't change, even if they try. I'd never ask someone to change who they are, I know I need to either accept him or just move on. He was home when I left, and he said that if I walked out that door that he knew I wasn't coming back ever again and that we would end up divorced.

Of course, I didn't mention every detail about everything that's wrong in my relationship with my husband or you'd be reading a book  I know he's not a horrible person, he does love me and I do love him. I'm crying as I'm writing this, I just don't know what to do at this point.

If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading and anything you have to say is greatly appreciated.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Maybe you leaving at this point will serve as a wake-up call to him. My wife just told me that she has had thoughts of leaving and it has gotten me to thinking about what I would be willing to and could change about myself. Maybe your husband just needs a few days to think it over. 

Also, do you know why he has feelings of insecurity? It seems like all of your problems, at least the ones you've mentioned stem from this.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Is he disabled? I know you said he has a medical discharge? Are the insecurities stemming from not working?


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## morethanthis (Dec 3, 2008)

No he's not disabled, he's medically retired from the army and has to be careful with physical activity because he has neck/back problems, but he has a civilian job right now.

Even when we were in high school he had issues with jealousy and most people on the outside tend to call him controlling of me.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

morethanthis said:


> No he's not disabled, he's medically retired from the army and has to be careful with physical activity because he has neck/back problems, but he has a civilian job right now.


Is there any other reason that could be why he is feeling insecure?


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## morethanthis (Dec 3, 2008)

When we were just dating when we were younger, I had broken up with him. His biggest fear was that I'd leave again and obviously I did. He also has this huge fear that I'm going to cheat on him, he asked me if I wanted to leave because I had found someone else... when I've given him no reason to think that I haven't been loyal, even when we were younger I had never cheated on him. He also thinks that if I go back to school, that I'm gonna either party like theres no tomorrow (even though I'm not the party-girl type at all) or find someone else.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

morethanthis said:


> No he's not disabled, he's medically retired from the army and has to be careful with physical activity because he has neck/back problems, but he has a civilian job right now.
> 
> *Even when we were in high school he had issues with jealousy and most people on the outside tend to call him controlling of me.*


I had issue with being controlling of my wife. She brought it to my attention and I have tried very hard not to be that way. I was brought up in a home with a very controlling mother and I seem to be a lot like her. I have had to work very hard to not be so controlling. And, trust me it has been work. 

Have you brought this up to him?

Some good advice might be to write him a letter letting him know your feelings and your problems. Then, tell him what you expect out of him. If he decides to make the changes, give it time, it won't happen overnight.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

morethanthis said:


> When we were just dating when we were younger, I had broken up with him. His biggest fear was that I'd leave again and obviously I did. He also has this huge fear that I'm going to cheat on him, he asked me if I wanted to leave because I had found someone else... when I've given him no reason to think that I haven't been loyal, even when we were younger I had never cheated on him. He also thinks that if I go back to school, that I'm gonna either party like theres no tomorrow (even though I'm not the party-girl type at all) or find someone else.


My husband and I have been together for 11 years, since I was 15. He was the same way for a very long time. He did not realize that he was pushing me away and that I would often keep things from him because I just did not want to deal with him. Our communication broke down. It took lots of therapy and counseling and even filing for divorce before we both grew up. I will tell you that it is VERY hard to grow up together and that is what you are both still doing-maturing and becoming who are want to be. Growing pains are very tough, but if you both love each other and want this to work, you need to communicate and find a counselor willing to help!


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## morethanthis (Dec 3, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I had issue with being controlling of my wife. She brought it to my attention and I have tried very hard not to be that way. I was brought up in a home with a very controlling mother and I seem to be a lot like her. I have had to work very hard to not be so controlling. And, trust me it has been work.
> 
> Have you brought this up to him?
> 
> Some good advice might be to write him a letter letting him know your feelings and your problems. Then, tell him what you expect out of him. If he decides to make the changes, give it time, it won't happen overnight.



I have brought it up to him and he used to try and justify why he is the way is. In the past couple months he's said, "I'll try to work on it, I'll try to change" in the past and it's just this cycle now that keeps repeating.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

morethanthis said:


> I have brought it up to him and he used to try and justify why he is the way is. In the past couple months he's said, "*I'll try to work on it, I'll try to change*" in the past and it's just this cycle now that keeps repeating.


This seems to be the problem. Trying to change seems to lead to failure. Trust me I've been there. He needs to make his mind up to change. And, it might require a little help from you. You just have to be open to his suggestions of help and tell him whether his suggestions are acceptable to you. He can't be so unreasonable as to ask you to take pictures of where your at or who your with. He has to do most of the work here and that involves him finding a way to push those feelings of insecurity away.


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## morethanthis (Dec 3, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> This seems to be the problem. Trying to change seems to lead to failure. Trust me I've been there. He needs to make his mind up to change. And, it might require a little help from you. You just have to be open to his suggestions of help and tell him whether his suggestions are acceptable to you. He can't be so unreasonable as to ask you to take pictures of where your at or who your with. He has to do most of the work here and that involves him finding a way to push those feelings of insecurity away.


Yeah, you're right... and I have to be open too if I want this to work. I just have to figure out if I want it to work. I've just gotten to the point where I'm just sick of it and I'm tired. I'm having a hard time believing that he'll change or that anything will be different. I really want to have faith that people can change and become better people, but he's extremely stubborn and has a very strong personality. I don't know if I can handle everything anymore.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you two ought to give boundary books a try. I did them with my H and it helped a lot.


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## morethanthis (Dec 3, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I think you two ought to give boundary books a try. I did them with my H and it helped a lot.


I'll look into it, are there any anyone recommends?


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## dumborsmart (Dec 3, 2008)

Look, you follow your GUT. I didn't and I am proof that we have to listen to our inner voice! What does your voice say?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

morethanthis said:


> I'll look into it, are there any anyone recommends?


I did Dr.Phil's _Relationship Rescue_ book and workbook on my own. Sometimes if you are really upset its better to start on your own first. 

Then together my H and I did _Boundaries in Marriage_ book and workbook by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. It has really helped us in those heated moments. Now, when his temper flares, or my temper flares, we both have that thought in the back of our mind, _Am I respecting my spouses boundaries? Or am I being selfish and trying to get him/her to do what I think he/she should be doing to make me happy?_

It doesnt always stop the fights, but it certainly gives one hope for progress.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

You hear so much of this type of issue from Military couples. 

Young Marriage before living it up, brings with it the eventual lingering feeling that you might be missing out on something, if not then young friends will be there to place that thought in your head. Young persons looking for an out will of coarse agree with any advise or criticism that leads to the conclusion they are leaning towards, so that they don't feel like total selfish people witch by nature they are.

Doe's a woman ever admit to doing anything that may validate her mans jealousy? Dressing too provocatively, pushing the line of appropriateness with "guy" friend, partying, flirting with others, etc. It's more like the man is always either over reacting or has not right to try and tell a woman what she can or can't do or ware.

No kids, chalk it up to youth, and don't play too many games with a vet with training on how to kill a person and or a gun.


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## morethanthis (Dec 3, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> You hear so much of this type of issue from Military couples.
> 
> Young Marriage before living it up, brings with it the eventual lingering feeling that you might be missing out on something, if not then young friends will be there to place that thought in your head. Young persons looking for an out will of coarse agree with any advise or criticism that leads to the conclusion they are leaning towards, so that they don't feel like total selfish people witch by nature they are.
> 
> ...


Everyone in their own right is selfish, it's human nature to be at times and he thinks I'm selfish for wanting to go to school and have a career... his idea of a perfect marriage is one in which I stay home, have kids, clean, cook. He says he wants to make life easy for me... and I'm a "*****" for being ambitious and assertive. I do feel like I'm missing out on something... my life and the dreams I once had... if he wants to support me that's awesome, but if not (which he's made it clear that he doesn't) then I don't know what I'm going to do. THIS is why I left in the first place... I've supported him w/anything he's ever wanted to do, I trust him. He doesn't trust me and pretty much gave me an ultimatum... only when I was walking out the door he said he took it back and he wanted to make it work. 

His jealousy and control issues stem from his insecurities. I've cut all my ties with any of my old guy friends, I'm a quieter, more introverted person to begin with so I'm not exactly a flirt. I hate wearing anything too revealing (even before I was married) and yes, not trying to be cocky or anything, I'm a decently attractive person, but that doesn't mean I'm automatically going to flirt with other people and cheat on him... I have morals. If I want to go hang out with my girl friends, I have to be home by the time he is or he has to be there and do whatever we're doing too... which I didnt mind, but when a friend of mine was having issues that she just wanted to talk to me about... he got angry. 

Of course, it takes 2 people to make or break a relationship. I'm very open and honest, so when I communicate how I feel about anything and he doesn't agree with it, it turns into a 4 hr. long debate. Sometimes when we argue I ask him if I can just have a few moments to collect myself so that I'm not so angry or if we can just talk about it when we've both calmed down, but he wants things resolved ASAP. When people yell at me, especially him, I completely shut down and have no interest in talking.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

My very best advice to you is to file for divorce and go off to school and follow your dreams. He won't change. You know that in your heart. Even if he improves, it will take years and years and you will be severely worn-out by then. Don't waste your time with him. You love him and it will hurt. But you WILL get over him. He's bad for your life and will continue to poison it if you let him. Let him go.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MsLady said:


> My very best advice to you is to file for divorce and go off to school and follow your dreams. He won't change. You know that in your heart. Even if he improves, it will take years and years and you will be severely worn-out by then. Don't waste your time with him. You love him and it will hurt. But you WILL get over him. He's bad for your life and will continue to poison it if you let him. Let him go.



that's your "very best advice???"

how about speak with the man, help him to understand that she's never done anything to make him feel insecure about their relationship, and if she has, he should tell her what it is. maybe a little quid pro quo on the self improvement front would do both of these kids some good. but this young to fold up tent when life is just beginning??? they have so many wonderful life lessons staring them both in the face.

"very best advice huh?"


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Divorce is not always the answer. Try understanding where he's coming from. And make him understand why you wanna go back to school and why are other things important to you. Just talk. And then talk some more. You don't wanna leave him for good and then few years down the track wish that you did something different.


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