# How to deal with brother in law and wife?!?



## clp_81 (Oct 22, 2015)

I'm curious to know whether or not others experience the same predicament that I'm in and how they are able to deal with it. What’s really irking me lately is the fact that my husband and I work very hard. We’ve been out of college for a little over 10 years now and have always held steady jobs. We constantly worry about whether or not we having enough for a down payment or for retirement, or starting a family. We’ve never asked for help financially and just believe in being responsible at the end of the day.
My husband’s brother chooses to live a different life, lived abroad for a while and met a very young girl who he ended up marrying earlier this year. She’s very nice, but I don’t have much in common with her. She’s ten years younger than I am. When she first came to the US, she didn’t get a job and we could tell my brother in law was struggling to pay for their “lifestyle”. It was everything from her education, clothing, housing, brand new iPhone, money for her family back in her country and the list goes on and on. She comes from a very poor country and her family does not have much. I understand the situation is tough, but I feel like they just milk my in-laws and don’t work for anything. At some point my brother in law said to contact one of the aunts in the family because “she’ll probably just pay for it”. My husband was upset and said, “We would never do such a thing” which I totally agreed with. 

Taking the higher ground is just continuing to do our thing and minding our own business, but it’s just pretty frustrating when you feel like a fool who is working their tail off. Plus it just makes it hard to hang out with them because you just feel resentment. Do others experience the same situation and how do you handle this?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

This is a situation for "mind your own business." You and your H have a solid financial plan for yourselves and are working it so that you meet your goals. That's honestly all you need to care about. His brother and SIL are irrelevant to your own plans. 

You two are doing well. Don't get embroiled in worrying about what your BIL is or isn't doing with his money that he doesn't have. Be happy with what you and your H are doing and that you share common goals and perspectives on money. You aren't fools for working your butts off for what you want - you are smart. In the end, you will have what you want, will not be in debt to anyone, and no one else can lay claim to your success. Besides, you don't really want to be the money-grubbing relatives leeching off everyone else, do you? I don't think that would make either of you happy.

The troubling part in what you wrote is that you feel resentment when you hang out with BIL and SIL. Why? You are better off than they are, you are standing on your own two feet. Are you resentful that your in-laws give them money? There's no joy in diving into that rathole.


----------



## clp_81 (Oct 22, 2015)

norajane said:


> This is a situation for "mind your own business." You and your H have a solid financial plan for yourselves and are working it so that you meet your goals. That's honestly all you need to care about. His brother and SIL are irrelevant to your own plans.
> 
> You two are doing well. Don't get embroiled in worrying about what your BIL is or isn't doing with his money that he doesn't have. Be happy with what you and your H are doing and that you share common goals and perspectives on money. You aren't fools for working your butts off for what you want - you are smart. In the end, you will have what you want, will not be in debt to anyone, and no one else can lay claim to your success. Besides, you don't really want to be the money-grubbing relatives leeching off everyone else, do you? I don't think that would make either of you happy.
> 
> The troubling part in what you wrote is that you feel resentment when you hang out with BIL and SIL. Why? You are better off than they are, you are standing on your own two feet. Are you resentful that your in-laws give them money? There's no joy in diving into that rathole.


Thanks so much for the advice, Norajane. I really appreciate it. You are so right. There is no point in going down that rathole. No need to worry about others


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

clp_81 said:


> Thanks so much for the advice, Norajane. I really appreciate it. You are so right. There is no point in going down that rathole. No need to worry about others


I'm happy to help!

Why do you think it has been bothering you so much to the point of resentment? Does your husband's family ask you for money or make comments about your finances?

My parents are the ones in their families that were the hard workers, keep your head focused on your goals, and pay no attention to anyone else's finances. And they ended up being the ones that the brothers and sisters were envious of because my parents (through hard work at their blue collar jobs and careful spending/saving) are way better off than the others put together. That can create some hard feelings from the family, which my parents try to ignore. Living well is their reward.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

My brother was the baby of the family, and a bum....His life was a mess of drugs, women, divorce, involvement in crime, and in one case, in a bad drug deal, was beaten so badly it took over a year to recover. 

My parents (especially my mother) always took care of him. In the case if the beating, they bought a home for him to live in while he recovered....He had stayed with them till he took a huge dose of mushrooms, and trashed their house....

When my mother died, and my dad became ill, I moved him into our home, and cared for him for over 3 years. During this time, My brother visited for 45 minutes, that visit being to tell me he thought it was damned tacky of me to accept $1000 a month from dad for his living expenses, and that I should care for dad "out of pocket", so as not to diminish his share of the inheritance....

When dad died, I divided his rather substantial holdings exactly as he wished, my brother getting his fair share.....

That was over a year ago, and since then I have not heard a single word from him...Nor do I care too......

The point of this being...Everyone has a bum or two in their family. You do not have to associate with them if you do not wish to. Do not go out of your way to express your distaste for their actions...

As the old saying go's "Never wrestle a pig....You will both get muddy, and the pig will enjoy it".....


----------



## clp_81 (Oct 22, 2015)

norajane said:


> I'm happy to help!
> 
> Why do you think it has been bothering you so much to the point of resentment? Does your husband's family ask you for money or make comments about your finances?
> 
> My parents are the ones in their families that were the hard workers, keep your head focused on your goals, and pay no attention to anyone else's finances. And they ended up being the ones that the brothers and sisters were envious of because my parents (through hard work at their blue collar jobs and careful spending/saving) are way better off than the others put together. That can create some hard feelings from the family, which my parents try to ignore. Living well is their reward.


The resentment is just the fact that they get this "special treatment" and it's like is it really necessary?!? My husband's brother did ask my husband to co-sign on a loan with him a few years back for his business. I was a bit concerned, but in the end my husband didn't feel comfortable because since it was actually a "line of a credit". You're right, hardwork always pays off in the end.


----------



## clp_81 (Oct 22, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> My brother was the baby of the family, and a bum....His life was a mess of drugs, women, divorce, involvement in crime, and in one case, in a bad drug deal, was beaten so badly it took over a year to recover.
> 
> My parents (especially my mother) always took care of him. In the case if the beating, they bought a home for him to live in while he recovered....He had stayed with them till he took a huge dose of mushrooms, and trashed their house....
> 
> ...


Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your brother. You're right though, there's always someone like this in a family. I really try not to associate with them because the more time we spend together it really kinda just irks me. I end up acting fake in order to be civil, but deep down I have no respect for them. Thanks for your perspective! Feel better knowing I'm not the only person who deals with this sort of thing.....


----------

