# It's a pride thing, divorce, live under same roof and try to reconcile?



## Dean12 (Feb 27, 2014)

I discovered that my wife was having an affair about a month ago. I actually accused her of one couple months ago but didn't have proof. She didn't admit to it at that time but looking back I should have know when she told me that “It wasn't her fault that she lost so much weight and I didn't” and she called me a loser and that she would not be putting up with me anymore before stopping off. Yeah, it's easy to see now but I was bind back then. Anyway, I installed some hidden cameras and eventually got proof. She denied it all the way until she figured out I had real evidence. BTW, she did go see a divorce attorney at my request who offered to have me locked up, apparently that is against the law since December. She refused that, good thing as I would have destroyed her once I got out.

Our marriage was never ideal, we tried and failed infertility treatments, maintained separate bedrooms for most of our marriage, rarely had sex until the operation (more on that later), and generally just went our separate ways. There was also resentment on both parts for a number of known and unknown reasons. It was more of a comfortable partnership then a loving marriage. The partnership became much strong when we adopted a little 10 month old girl (now 8 years). She brought us together as we finally had a common goal. I'm sure if we did not adopt her we would have split years ago. As bad as all this sounds it was a working relationship.

Around a year ago, my wife had thyroid surgery to remove a mass. The surgery was successful but it changed her. She lost a tremendous amount of weight in a very short time and became quite amorous with me. I'm not sure if that was a result of the weight loss or new hormones being produced after years of being hampered by the growth. It was fantastic, lots of sex and she started talking to me more. I felt that our marriage was on the right tract and just getting better and better. All of a sudden it stopped, no reason it just stopped. It was hard on me going from 100 to 0 like that. I must admit I did not corner her to get answers on what was going on. I'm not 100% sure of the timing but at some point during this stoppage and before the start of her affair she mentioned that a security guard at my daughters school was hitting on her. I told her that I would not stand for any kind of open marriage and if she pursued it then it would be the end of our marriage. 

Well fast forward a few months and she started having an affair with someone else, a faculty member at my daughters school. They met at a camp my daughter went to during the summer. My wife had a picture of him in her office holding my daughter from the camp, I just can't get over that. In addition, during the affair she invited him over to a party at my house and had me chat him up. WTF? I thank god that when she escorted him to his car and disappeared for 20 minutes that I didn't go outside with my daughter to find out where mommy was.

That's the ugliness, now the aftermath. At the second D-day when she realized she couldn't lie her way out of it she finally admitted to it. She didn't want a divorce, not surprising since her partner is also married, several years older and probably just in it to use her. Over the days and weeks she told me just about everything with one or two lies sprinkled in (not believing the no penetration part). I got enough to realize what had gone on. Same old story, I go to work, lover comes over, she spreads her legs and has a great time, I get home from work and get treating like garbage. Repeat. 

It took a while to get my daughter into a new school but it finally happened this week. Now it's time to focus on me. I'm done with marriage. She wants to reconcile, making all of the right moves and is probably sincere (like I could tell if she lies or not!). I can't trust her. I've always been a big planner and now realize that I wasted all of that time and energy building a comfy retirement for something that never existed anyway. I want a divorce to put a clean end to that wasted effort. I do want to work on our relationship but I refuse to be her doormat anymore. We are going to our first therapy session this week and I look forward to getting some answers, to find out where it started going bad and why she felt she had to parade her lover in front of me. She doesn't know herself. We have talked about very intimate things for the first time ever and are going though hyperactive bonding. I enjoy the sex and the conversations that don't specifically involve the affair. The pain isn't all that terrible because she completely disengaged from the marriage during the affair and I got use to the idea of her not being around. I must admit that I am interested in this new person who walked out of the ashes of the affair. Just not sure she is genuine or not.

Now here is where I have to question myself. I am done with the marriage but I'm not done with her. I plan on getting a divorce, splitting up property, figuring out the custody arrangement and then just living under the same (my) roof as a loving couple with the understanding that it is a monogamous relationship and any breaking of that rule results in an immediate split. This appeals to me since I no longer have the current embarrassment of call her my wife, anything I put forward to my future is mine and not shared with her, our child still has both parents and the life she is use to, I can work and enjoy our relationship without fear of being played a fool again and risking everything I worked hard on. Those are my terms. I'm willing to go through a regular divorce also and just separate, the pain of that won't last long for me, I already see the light at the end of the tunnel. It would be hard a first for my daughter as it would be a complete surprise.

I prefer the first option but am wondering if it has pitfalls I haven't thought of.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Hope you told that guys wife about the affair. If not, he will be sniffing around again.
And whatever you do don't move out. I think the in house separation may work as long as she wants to work it out with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

I'm sorry, but IMO there's no pride in living with someone that cheated. If anything, you should restore your pride, and move on.

She will say what you want to hear. Act the way you expect her to act, and do what she wants when you're not around.
From everything I gather, it's very hard for a woman to recapture the glory of her spouse, once she strays. 
You should read lots of stories here.. all much the same.

I know how you feel my friend. I'm there too. It does hurt, but I know I could never trust her again.. Lying and getting away with is just too easy for repeat offenders.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm confused. You want a monogamous relationship, living in the same house and acting as a married couple, but you want to go through the headaches of divorce and separating property and all that crap? What the point? Either divorce or reconcile. Take your pick, and then go with it. Don't live in limbo. 

And if you do decide to follow your plan, talk to your lawyer. Make sure you won't become "common-law" unintentionally. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Seek counselling. And make sure your little girl is OK.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I certainly can't argue with divorcing her; but continuing to live with her? Hard to move on with your life in that scenario; but to each is own.

I might suggest that you PM chris989. If I'm not mistaken, he's living with his wife after he divorced her for cheating. Though I believe he describes her as truly remorseful. Not so sure that would describe your wife.

Anyway, perhaps he could give you some pro's and con's.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I don't get this - you want to divorce and then live together common law? Why? I don't see it working. I would either stay married and work on the marriage or divorce and end the relationship altogether. Actually I would just do the latter - there's no way I'd stay with her on any level.

I think you need to make a decision - you sound confused (and that's OK - it's a confusing thing). I would divorce her and find a loyal woman that respects and loves you. This one doesn't.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Post nup after the divorce. If you live together it will be a common law marriage. In some states having sex after you find out about an affair will be considered forgiveness and thus you lose some legal advantages in future legal proceedings. If you live as man-wife you will be considered such. She could possibly claim palimony in a later split.

So you need some kind of solid binding legal agreement if you plan to divorce her but then stay together with her. You need a good lawyer.

FWIW, I think your plan is bad. Either you trust her going into the future or you don't. If you don't, why stay with her? If you do, why get divorced?

If you want to stay with her but want to also protect your assets, you could explore staying married and having a post-nup. You need a good lawyer, and even then I am skeptical it would hold up in court.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Was your wife overweight before the surgery? Was she overweight as a little girl? I’m not making excuses, but it’s quite common for women who have lost weight to have affairs. They haven’t learned over a lifetime how to deal with all the attention from men. They are finally the woman they’ve always wanted to be and it’s too good to pass up.

In order to have a good relationship with her, you have to get some respect. In order to do that she has to pay a price. She can’t just say she’s very very sorry and things go on as before. You have to do what is called the 180. You can look it up.

Personally, I like the idea of divorce. Strike while the iron is hot and get good terms. After that you can live with her if you want. 

Tell the OMs wife. He needs to pay a price too and the OMs wife can keep an eye on him. OM is "a faculty member at my daughters school." Name him in the divorce papers. Get him fired.


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## Dean12 (Feb 27, 2014)

She was over weight prior to surgery, however the AP is unattractive and several years her senior. He somewhat resembles her biological dad. She said she liked the attention he gave her. Her background is messy, sexual abuse at a young age which her parents swept under a rug (and bible), prior marriage failed due to her husband having an affair, broken parents. I knew most of this going into the marriage but didn't realize the significance. Still no excuse for what she did. Therapy starts tomorrow. Will look into 180.

Daughter is a concern. My wife's selfishness aside, she has been a good mother and plays a big part in raising her. Getting her back in school was important to me so she would have some sort of stability in case of a contested divorce. Under that scenario, she loses her home and the family situation she is use to. She is sensitive to either one of us being away for any period of time. Not sure if that is to do with being adopted. Yeah I know, kids are tough but they shouldn’t have to be.

I live in Georgia which does not recognize common law marriages. I considered a post nup but they don't seem to hold up legally. My wife is lousy with money, I would like that to not be my or my daughter's problem anymore.

I did not contact the OM's wife. Not sure if it was the right thing to do at the time, apparently it is. I did go to the headmasters of her school, a supposed Christian organization. I discussed it with them, provided proof and was told it was not enough. They wanted more graphic material but the proof I supplied was plenty without being too demeaning. That was for my daughters benefit before anyone asks. I did receive my tuition back but they refused to fire him. To add insult to injury he was in the local paper yesterday highlighting his school achievements. Ugh, at least the school she is in now is better both academically and morally.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I like the divorce idea.

And make sure the counselor is not going to rugsweep her affair.

Expose the OM at the school. Your wife should help you with this or she is protecting the OM.

Has she gone NC? Put both of them on cheaterville.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Community property law. If you live in one of those states, she'll still get your stuff. Living together = still being together.

I would consult a lawyer though to protect yourself just in case.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Dean12 said:


> ... To add insult to injury he was in the local paper yesterday highlighting his school achievements. ...


Send his wife and the local newspaper the detailed proof of his affair with your wife.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

will your daughter know about the D?
how will you explain this situation to her?


honestly, it sounds like you're keeping the WS around for sex. and conversation that doesn't involve the person she really is - a woman that allowed other men to be intimate with her while married to you.

good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Dean12 said:


> She was over weight prior to surgery, however the AP is unattractive and several years her senior. He somewhat resembles her biological dad. She said she liked the attention he gave her. Her background is messy, sexual abuse at a young age which her parents swept under a rug (and bible), prior marriage failed due to her husband having an affair, broken parents. I knew most of this going into the marriage but didn't realize the significance. Still no excuse for what she did. Therapy starts tomorrow. Will look into 180.
> 
> Daughter is a concern. My wife's selfishness aside, she has been a good mother and plays a big part in raising her. Getting her back in school was important to me so she would have some sort of stability in case of a contested divorce. Under that scenario, she loses her home and the family situation she is use to. She is sensitive to either one of us being away for any period of time. Not sure if that is to do with being adopted. Yeah I know, kids are tough but they shouldn’t have to be.
> 
> ...


Put him on cheaterville.com then send them the link. Be sure and include the actions of the school. Then send them the link. Do not embellish, just the facts that you believe to be true.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop using your daughter as an excuse. She still young and with adapt as most kids do. 

Its silly to divorce someone as a consequence for cheating on them, only to keep them around as a partner.

You still have a life partner who is a cheater. Paperwork in this case is a moot point.

And if she did not honor your wedding vows, why would she honor this less restrictive agreement?

She likely wont.

Its indecisive cake eating on your part.

How about you divorce and find a woman who is not verbally and emotionally abusive?

Sorry for my bluntness.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If she wants to reconcile, march her fanny to the school administration and have her tell them her story. Expose this to the OM's wife without telling anyone that you are doing it.

If the school officials say it is not enough, what do you have as proof?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

The OMW must be told ASAP.

WW can never go back to the school were the OM works.

If divorcing then living together works for you then do it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I believe that you are asking for continued heartache down the road. If you are not married, she will feel even more justified when she cheats (which she almost certainly will). When this happens, you will be hurt, no matter how much you tell yourself now that you have protected yourself.

Also, it is a moral imperative to tell the OM's wife. It isn't really your right to keep knowledge that so critically impacts another person's life decisions secret. How would you feel if the tables were turned and she had been the one to find out about the affair? You would have wanted to know, I am sure.

And the school? I agree with all of the posters above who advise you to expose further. Make sure the parents and other school officials know. Put pressure on them to do the right thing.


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## Dean12 (Feb 27, 2014)

My WW did immediately go NC. She gave me the ugly details and answered all of my questions that she could. Some of the things she did she can't even explain. She confessed to her family and friends. She did offer to go with me to the school but it would have been pointless since she would of cried through the whole thing. I have little doubt that she is remorseful.

Absolutely right to tell the OMW, I can't find her email but I have her address and home phone. I should be able to get through to her this weekend.

I hear what you are saying about once a cheat, always a cheat and it's beginning to sink in hard. I've been focused on fixing what I could and not thinking about it until now. I appreciate the advice, my therapy session is tomorrow morning, will go from there.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

OP, I think you are treading on dangerous ground deciding to live with this serpent after the split. One thing you can becertain of is that she is likely to continue spreading em for other guys. She may choose somebody sleazier than she has shown to be and the next thing you know, your daughter will no longer have a living father.
Dump her!.


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## Dean12 (Feb 27, 2014)

I talked to the OMW, found her to be full of grace and strong as steel. Fortunately she was not all that surprised so the shock wasn't quite that bad. She confirmed some of the questionable parts of the story so I'm confident I got the whole truth. Therapy had some promise, he quickly got to the million dollar question of “Why did you do it?”. I need the answer to that to judge if she would do it again. I'm confident that if she knew she would tell me. It's worth waiting for therapy to run it's course. Regardless of the outcome, I will always have some type of relationship with her, I will never turn my back completely on her, I'm not made that way.

The OMW has questions about the affair and I feel compelled to get her answers. Unlike my spouse, I believe hers is still lying. He lied when he was interrogated by the headmasters and the OMW mentioned that he would try to lie his way out of it. 

As far as protecting myself and family from harm, I'm can handle myself both physically and emotional. I was raised strong and resilient and am certainly not stupid.

I appreciate all of the feedback, it has been useful for me and I have taken much of it to heart. At this point I'm going to let things run there course and will probably keep a low profile until it is resolved.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm hoping that when you say that you will let things run their course that you mean that you will actively do whatever you have to to make sure the OM loses his job.


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## Dean12 (Feb 27, 2014)

I'm not really concerned about his job. Turns out that his wife knows the headmaster quite well and was shocked that he did not tell her what was going on.

I've come to the conclusion that divorcing and living in the same house won't work for me. In no longer makes any sense to me, I guess I was in my own fog. 

Therapy went well but she started lying to me again, I guess so she does not have to deal with what she did. I feel like a Ping-Pong ball. I'm so tired of betrayed.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

She is never going to take you seriously until you take your marriage seriously. Separate accounts. File for Divorce. Make plans for you and your child. 

Why stay with someone that does not respect you. I get everyone wants it all to work out but why not just move on and find a better person to be with. I divorced seven years ago and life is going great for me. There are far better women out there. 

Clay


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dean12 said:


> This appeals to me since I no longer have the current embarrassment of call her my wife, anything I put forward to my future is mine and not shared with her, our child still has both parents and the life she is use to, I can work and enjoy our relationship without fear of being played a fool again and risking everything I worked hard on. Those are my terms. I'm willing to go through a regular divorce also and just separate, the pain of that won't last long for me, I already see the light at the end of the tunnel. It would be hard a first for my daughter as it would be a complete surprise.
> 
> I prefer the first option but am wondering if it has pitfalls I haven't thought of.


Uh, living in the same house and watching her screw other men isn't embarrassing enough? How about the damage it does to your daughter when she watches the swinging doors that both your wife and YOU will exhibit in a home that she thinks houses only her parents?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Dean12 said:


> The OMW has questions about the affair and I feel compelled to get her answers. Unlike my spouse, I believe hers is still lying. He lied when he was interrogated by the headmasters and the OMW mentioned that he would try to lie his way out of it.


you probably still can get him fired, you just have to push further, call the headmaster and tell him you will go public and legal if he does not fire his ass, you can also tell him that you will inform every parent of the childs in OM class and how he used the school activities to get close to your wife, also tell him that your wife have 100% your back and will even discuss with the parents if necessary about what how OM in a predototy way approcehd to her, believe me when the headmaster hear the words legal and public will change the way he is adressing you.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Dean12 said:


> To add insult to injury he was in the local paper yesterday highlighting his school achievements. Ugh, at least the school she is in now is better both academically and morally.


you canj also pressure him telling im that you will contact this local papaer and their competitors to inform how the teacher that was just highlighted for his achievements is in fact a marital predator that use the school as his hunting area.


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