# Big D here I come



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I'm not sure what I am looking for here. I've been reading many posts for the last few days. I need a place to dump. I probably need to go to a councilor or I might be able to gut it out. I just need a safe to get it all out and I think I've found it. I know that some of this divorce is my fault and I do want to learn from it.
I see a lot of abbreviations and I haven't figured them all out yet so bear with me as I type them all out or if you see one, please point it out to me. 

I was married back in 2007. I was with her since 2004. I am in my early 40's. She is almost 10 years younger then me. I was thought I was careful in determining that she did want to have kids because she said she did before we got engaged. She said that she could finish her degree, have a baby and work. After we were first married I told her I would prefer her to stay home and raise babies. She was outraged with this and for the longest time she said that that assumption is what shut her down for her emotionally connecting to me. 

We went to marriage councilling. I recanted my statement and told her that I was ok with her working and going to school but if she choose to she could stay home and raise children. She haunted me with the first original opinion after we we're married as her reason for her not communicating what she needed to me. I was accussed and probably was abusive as she calls it. I did say words like "your being sensitive". I recanted and apologized that it hurt her for years. 

After 5 years of still hearing she was not getting over this and it was still an issue of her not opening up to me I finally told her to get over it. Councilling failed for both of us when we first went. I was trying to communicate to her to how she would understand it. Eventually we gave up on it because she would get frustrated. She was a touchy person she loves to be rubbed. I am not like that at all. I told her she needs to tell me what she needs. She rarely did and was disappointed sometimes when I did as she requested. She wanted me to just know what she wanted without actually telling me. 
Back about the same time she was getting hung up on the staying home and raising babies she told me she didn't want to have kids. I argued saying that was a deal a breaker and I wouldn't have married her if that was her opinion. She said and we agreed to keep being married and I hoped that she would change her mind about children. She blamed that change on me telling her that I wanted her to stay home and raise babies. After councilling we stayed together and I was happy and I thought she was too and least she said she was. I thought the councilling did help but looking back she would shut down when the councilor asked her questions. I also gave up on having kids and went along with not having them. I would agree with her when she would give reasons not to have them but in my heart I always did. I thought she would change her mind and I didnt want to fight about it anymore. 

2 or 3 years later I lost my job. The good money making days were over and after talking with her she was ok with me changing careers. I then started traveling and wasnt home but 4 days a month. During this time she did have a good paying job but with the loss in my salary during this first year we were still falling short on bills. We fell behind on the mortgage. After I gained experienced in my field I found a job that would get me home everynight. I was finally going to make almost much as I was making prior to my job loss. Around the same time she got her degree. She left her better paying job for a lowering paying but it was in her field of study and I fully supported it. I was happy for her because she was really unhappy at her other job. Her job paid for her degree so she stayed until it was completed. I still thought we were ok. Things were hard. Money was tight but I knew it was just a matter before I did find a job that got me home everynight and paid well. 

After I found the job that paid well and got me home. Our beloved pet died and I really bonded with her a lot. We cried for weeks. She also told me she was starting a business with another man she knew from work. 

I was skeptical from the begining. I didnt know him. She said he was married. I looked them both up on face book and they didn't look married. I told my wife about my suspicions. He was 47 she was 25. Married people on facebook have happy pictures, kids etc. I did have access to his page and her page we became friends on facebook so I saw it all. There was nothing there indicating a marriage. I told her it was a really bad idea and she started the business anyway. I told her I thought he was creepy. I told her I was afraid I would never see her. For the next 6 months I barely saw her. She was there with him building this business. She was also working full time as her real job and this was just a part time deal. Needless to say I never saw her. We did catch each other periodically and occassionally we would have sex. Our sex life was way out of whack. At some point we only did it once a month. 

I was copying a document from my email on her computer and her email opened up. I saw a copy of her txts to him and various emails. They described a six month relationship which showed me there was an emotional affair at the minimum going on. I told her she needs to leave him and their business. She claims that you don't make any money when you start a new business, so it wasnt making any money. She said she was sorry and she looked and acted like it. She postponed her going there for 2 weeks. She never agreed to leaving him or their business. She became demanding and was mad at me. She admitted she was in love with him but they were just friends now because he was unemotionally available. I believed it. I told her that maybe now would the time to split up. She has had an affair and she doesnt want to have kids. I gave her the option to get out and she didnt. I then really started to press the kids thing. I was desperate. 

I told her even if we dont work things out at least I would have child. I was hoping that we would reconnect and get past this and finally have child. Finally after catering to what she wanted and not committing to anything I was asking I told I was fed up and if she didn't have an answer that I was filling for divorce the next business day. I gave her a dead line. She came home that night and told me she did want to have kids someday. The way she phrased it or the way I interrpeted it was that it was with me. 

Later she got angry and said the real reason she doesnt want have kids is because she was afraid I would treat them like I treat her. Again I sucked it up and cooked dinner for her did as she asked and she went back to her business the entire weekend. I knew I was being played. I eventually hacked her security on her phone when she was asleep. My heart has never beated that fast unless I was physically active. She had been telling him everything. A play by play of our problems. A date broken with him because I had to stay which followed with "Ill still have time to sneak out and see you", dinner dates etc. etc. It was clearly a relationship more then business. Some of it was business but it was mostly him being cute and her responding in kind. I went in and woke her up and told her we were done. She went downstairs and slept in the other room. 

Next, I blasted it on Facebook. I gave all names and details everyone, family included saw it. I called her dad. I made it a full blown front line family news story. Its clearly over now. I got a lawyer a couple of weeks ago and he's been handling everything.

I still want to have kids. Im just pissed because I wasted 10 years with her and now I have to start over finding someone to do that with and Im not sure if shes out there. I want a women that doesn't have children already and its a pretty sparse market when your over 40 looking for someone say 35. I know I wont be ready to date for another year or so. I peaked at a dating service and it was bleak. lol It did give me a little reassurance that it could happen. Anyways thanks for reading.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I've cried for maybe 2 minutes over this whole affair. Is there something wrong with me? I catch myself giggling over some of the posts when they rant about their ex's because it's exactly how I feel. I feel nutz. I'm angry. I didnt sleep for a day after I saw her txts to him. I'm so angry! I need a punching bag. I want to beat the crap of him! I want to yell at her! For entire day my mind replayed our conversations over and over and over and it always ended with profanity. This will pass but it sure sucks balls right now. She took my dog too! Im getting the dog back!


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Ok that last post worked, crying now. This is a good thing...AGGHH! so ANGRY!!!


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Just thought I would update. Apparently my thread is either really boring and too common or I have done everything right because nobody responded to it. I was disappointed nobody said anything. She never gave me a answer of her leaving him and her business with him. I set up a appt for a mc. She showed and said she wasn't going to leave the business and him. That's when I knew it was over. She said that she wanted respect while in the meeting with the mc. I generally respect people if they are respectful. Cheating and decieving spouses are not respectful. She said that she has "artists on consignment" that depend on her for selling their art and thats why she can't leave. No, she might make 20 bucks a weekend and she gets her store for free because she's runs the entire mall basically by herself, while he does all the "construction". In their txts that I read, he said he couldnt run the place without her and I believe it. I just wish she would have put that same energy into our marriage. I just don't think she liked being married and know she didnt want kids. I should have left the day after she told she didn't want kids. 
How come marriage councillors insist on not addressing my issue with her changing her mind about having kids and keep trying to get us to focus on something we have in common first and then eventually work our way back up to wanting to have children? I am getting to old to play lets find out if we want to have kids. I felt sorry for the marriage councilor. I think she could see it as plain as I see it now. She asked her 3 or 4 times if she would leave him and she said no. The MC talked to us individually too and Im sure she asked her again. I'm not dumb enough to stay married to her while shes still talking to him regularly. I am hurt that she choose him and that place over me. 
Right now, all I do is think about her. She left to god knows where. I have most of the bills in my name now. Divorce is filed but no one has been served. I can't get off of the couch. There are things that need to be done and I am not doing them. I catch myself snooping in her belongings. She took the bare minimum to wherever she went. Its all still here in our house. After the mc we haven't talked at all. At my request she hasn't been her in 2 weeks now. I pray to let go and forgive her and it works for awile. Then I get angry again. I hope it ends soon. I hate feeling like this.


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## jitterbug73 (Jun 24, 2013)

I don't have much for advice, but your post is now being seen. Try to do thing for yourself to to take your mind off her. Get off the couch and get out a little. Try to get some exercise or meet up with some friends. Some helpful people will reply to your post soon. Take care


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

try to keep busy...im in the same boat... I'm still in pain over my separation and eventual divorce.

keep venting, its okay to vent here


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Thanks mtn.lioness and jitterbug73. It's nice to be acknowledged.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Sorry you are in this boat and that your initial post was ignored. You are right to have been concerned about your wife's business partner and the wavering views on children with which she used to manipulate you. I agree with jitterbug; take care of yourself in order to take your mind off of her. It is obvious she didn't put your feelings and the relationship high up on the list of priorities. Work on bettering yourself and consider individual counseling too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> She asked her 3 or 4 times if she would leave him and she said no. The MC talked to us individually too and Im sure she asked her again. I'm not dumb enough to stay married to her while shes still talking to him regularly. I am hurt that she choose him and that place over me.


you did the right thing, how much is too much?, to be honest with you, just the fact that she keep postponing and lying about the kids issue was more than enough to divorce.

Now, she openly admits that is in love with another guy and she will not stop seeing him, puff you are a saint for the way you reacted. BTW I bet that their relationship is also physically, withholding sex is a characteristic of having a physical relationship with other man.

you should follow the 180 guide to detach from her as fast as possible and give you a chance to move on.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for what your going through Gonnabealright.Many years since I was divorced from my WS,but I remember all the turmoil with emotions.Anger in a way kind of fueled my determination to keep moving forward and away from that limbo of 'maybe she will if only' and all the whys and second guessing.Don't get me wrong,there were still the highs and lows with my emotions but they really did diminish over time,a great healer.Anyway my friend I really wish I had more to offer and I hope things work out for you sooner rather than later.Take care.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

question, how was her parents reaction when you told them everything? did they support you?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> question, how was her parents reaction when you told them everything? did they support you?


Her Dad said he was ashamed of her. WS's mother, had an affair on him and left. His new wife, not WS mother sent me a fb message that said they knew I was a good guy and they love me. I think they support me but its his daughter and blood is generally thicker water. I'm sure I made this upcoming Thanksgiving a very uncomfortable place for her if she even goes.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> you did the right thing, how much is too much?, to be honest with you, just the fact that she keep postponing and lying about the kids issue was more than enough to divorce.
> 
> Now, she openly admits that is in love with another guy and she will not stop seeing him, puff you are a saint for the way you reacted. BTW I bet that their relationship is also physically, withholding sex is a characteristic of having a physical relationship with other man.
> 
> you should follow the 180 guide to detach from her as fast as possible and give you a chance to move on.


I am. after the mc, I told her she's not to stop by anymore unannounced and to take her plants and rats and she did. We haven't spoken in a couple of weeks now. I'm almost sure it was physical too. I lost interested myself. Sex became recreational after she told me she didn't want kids. I still needed it but not as much. I was ok with once a week and during the time I believe they were seeing each other she did completely cut me off for months at a time. I did have myself checked out for STD's and I'm clean.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your turmoil Gonnabealright. I agree with others here follow the 180, focus on yourself, it will get easier with time.

Don't be upset that you don't have children with your W, be thankful. After all, would you really want to be going through a separation and divorce with kids in the middle of it all.

It's perfectly natural to be upset about the affair, I just recently discovered that my H had one as well, he is still lying about it, not sure why since we are more than done. Needless to say it has set me back a month or two. Couldn't get off the couch on Saturday, kept replaying the conversations in my head, which only make me more and more angry.

I would suggest therapy if you can, even if just for a bit.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

What do I do with all her stuff? She hardly took anything to where ever she went. I think I should take wedding pictures down and put her stuff in another room. When I see her stuff I dwell on it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Yes yes, hide her stuff. You can put it in another room, or give her a short period of time to get it, then dispose. If you want to be nice you could put it in storage, but get it out of sight. Their stuff causes awful triggers.
Also consider re-arranging the furniture, paint something, do some sort of home project to make it newly yours, separate from her. That seems to help, too.
Sorry you're here.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Sorry You are here as for your question about her stuff I would bag it up or box it up and move it to a mini warehouse and pay for 1 month of rental, then let her know where her stuff is and that she has x number of days to get it. Start taking care of yourself maybe start doing a old hobby or a new one start exercising go to a gym etc anything along these lines will help you deal with stress and anger. 

Good Luck


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

remamber to apply 180 to detach for her, also excercise yourself, endorphins helps to cope a little with the depression, you should find a hobby or something to get you distracted, alos find a support group (friends, family) they will help you in the lowest moments.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Thanks for the tips


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I am sorry about what you are going through, GonnaB. I, too, am going through the same thing, although mine still denied there is an affair. It doesn't matter, the end result is the same. I think they just do that so that they don't have to admit to what horrible people they really are.
I agree with all of the advice here: exercise regularly - the best revenge is being happy and better looking without her. Get rid of all of the ghosts of her in the house, at least get them out of sight.
I just created an account yesterday, so I was unable to post before. Just know that you are not alone and it, and reading posts here, seems to help with the roller coaster of emotions. Anger, Sadness, Depression, Anger, Sadness, Depression, Genuinely not giving a Flyin' F, short moment of almost happiness, Anger, Sadness, etc ad nauseum - you get the idea.
Good luck, brother.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Just put her on cheaterville.com. Waiting for admin to post it publicly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can you take a storage unit out in her name and send her the rental aggreement telling her you covered the 1st month rent but after that it will be up to her to either get her things or make the payments for the storage unit?

Maybe you can find were she is staying and have some movers take it there...she can either pay the movers when they arrive or they take her stuff.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My guess is the two of you are just incompatible. There are parallels here with my ex and I; i'm sure she did plenty wrong but since this is your side i'm going to address you. How do you think you treated her in retrospect? You tried to push stay at home parenting on someone that didn't want it; that's a great way to ensure she's miserable. Now she doesn't trust you not to try to sabotage her professional life. Then you say she wanted touch and that's not you; I guarantee
that led to further emotional separation. My ex was like that too; limited touch when he wanted sex and that was it. I detached from him. As for the business, it sounds like you never sat down with her and listed pros/cons to the marriage in an attempt to come to an agreement; you just didn't want it from the get go, and since she already feels you're trying to sabotage her professionally she digs her heels in. Then comes OM, which sucks but in my view wasn't the start of your issues. You wanted a housewife and kids and she didn't. Once again, not in any way excusing her messing around, which is not your fault, just trying to address from her end what might have been going on...
And don't fret the kids too much; men in their 40's have kids all the time, and their are plenty of women in their early 30's that will be thrilled to have you. Just try to find one that wants the same things as you. Honestly evaluate what you might have done differently so you can take that to the next lucky lady.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

the guy said:


> Can you take a storage unit out in her name and send her the rental aggreement telling her you covered the 1st month rent but after that it will be up to her to either get her things or make the payments for the storage unit?
> 
> Maybe you can find were she is staying and have some movers take it there...she can either pay the movers when they arrive or they take her stuff.


Well, I contacted the in laws to ask if I could store her stuff there. Bad mistake. I tipped my cards. They are taking her side. According to father in law and her, I need to leave it all alone because she is afraid of being around me. The father in law said just what she said, that I was harrassing her with the txts and I need to be an "adult" and not do anything. He later said he would try to be there with us while she collected her things. He's a nice person and I hate losing him. He has obviously fell into her trap by believing she is the victim. 
I've texted her and told her to collect her personal belongings. She said that she would sue me if I moved her things. She took nothing with her. A suitcase full of clothes. I need to get her personal effects out of here so I can start to move on. 
I need to take action and I will. I talked to my lawyer and as long as I take pictures of things and put it all in a storage facility with the firsts month rent the lawyer would contact her or her atty( if she has one) and officially give her all the information on where to get her stuff. I will also do that via txt. She's not responding to my txts now but I did tell her Im packing it up this weekend and intend on moving the following weekend and she expect correspondence regarding her things through him and me. 
The lawyer also said that since we properly notified her of the where abouts of her possessions that a judge will likely see it in our favor is she did try and sue me over her personal effects.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> *You tried to push stay at home parenting on someone that didn't want it; that's a great way to ensure she's miserable. *
> Before we got engaged I was clearly told and clarified with her that I wanted a family and that she could work full time, go to school and be a mother. The truth came out about not wanting kids about a year or two into the marriage. At the time I thought she could do all of it too if it was a spaced out. We had time back then. I know now that that is nearly impossible. At the time I did tell her I would like her to stay home and have children I was in position financially were we could do that. Again, I recanted that and compromised. We also could not afford do that two years later because I lost my job and was starting a new career. I then said if she wanted to stay home and raise kids I'd be ok with it and I was. I never interfered with her school. She got her degree on her own from her job. She's actually making less then what she did. She even told me she was getting a new job in her new field when I knew we were finanically struggling but I still supported her. It wasn't discussed. She just did it.
> After councilling the first time I found out a lot about how I did some things wrong. I changed a lot of that and was under the impression she was happy because she said she was and I was truly happy. The problem is that even after coming to terms and going to councilling over the things I did wrong she would bring them up again. She never forgave me. I'm no saint but I did stop doing the things that hurt her after I learned how to handle it differently. I still hurt her on occassion with things I said but she never told me I was hurting her. She uses those things as excuses for what shes done now.
> She never recently told me she was unhappy. I thought we we're ok. I told her at some point I didn't want to know what was going between her and her business partner and that whatever has happened, if anything did that it was behind us. She then said that she was having concerns that I was having an affair. This was six months ago and we both agreed that we were ok with each other and we're happy. We had regained a little momentum and I felt connected to her. This was before I actually found out what did happen and what was continuing to happen, an A.
> ...


Thank you for that.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> As for the business, it sounds like you never sat down with her and listed pros/cons to the marriage in an attempt to come to an agreement; you just didn't want it from the get go, and since she already feels you're trying to sabotage her professionally she digs her heels in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I was never given the opportunity to do discuss anything. She uses the excuse of assuming I wouldn't approve of it. She was right, I wanted to work on starting a family but at the time I was telling her I was ok without kids, because she didn't like being pressured. She started the business with him without telling me anything about it. She had to have known I wouldn't have like it so she did it without me entirely. I didn't like it, I went along with it and told her it would probably end badly. Im pretty sure she lied about a 3rd business partner that was bought out. I called him once and told him I was skeptical to what was going on and I was concerned about how they intending on financing everything. He never revealed anything and said he had to go. He wouldnt meet me and my wife for dinner to discuss it, nothing( probably her doing). I didn't like it because he was supposeably married and from what I saw on fb she was 25 and was 46 and there was no happy pictures of them together. First red flag. Later I was told (trickled information) that he was getting divorced and that she was a lesbian. Everything about this business made me uncomfortable.
Shortly after she used money from her 401K to pay off an 800 dollar bill so the lights could stay on at her business and the money could have been used to pay off bills we were behind on and getting a new car that I needed, because I didnt have one. I opened up my own account and stopped putting money into a shared account, except to pay future autodrafts. So this did cause a seperation between us, apparently she never wanted to share anything like a checking acct anyways. I should also point out that she claims that it makes no money and hasn't for the last year now. Shes either lying about the profits or she just likes to throw her money away. I understand it takes a little bit of time make income on a start up company. Usually people dont do this unless the business can atleast make enough profit to be able to use some of it for their own personal use.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm sorry your a new member of our club. Not a great club to be in, unless you like roller-coasters, because that's what this club is all about. So, with that being said, hang on for the ride. 

~ sammy


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well it sounds like you have a plan in getting rid of her things...thats a start.

Once her things are gone,I also suggest you do some things around the place like paint and go buy some thing to make the place more of your own.

After all now you have the freedom to decorate the place the way you want with out having to deal with someone elses input.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> No, I was never given the opportunity to do discuss anything. She uses the excuse of assuming I wouldn't approve of it. She was right, I wanted to work on starting a family but at the time I was telling her I was ok without kids, because she didn't like being pressured. She started the business with him without telling me anything about it. She had to have known I wouldn't have like it so she did it without me entirely. I didn't like it, I went along with it and told her it would probably end badly. Im pretty sure she lied about a 3rd business partner that was bought out. I called him once and told him I was skeptical to what was going on and I was concerned about how they intending on financing everything. He never revealed anything and said he had to go. He wouldnt meet me and my wife for dinner to discuss it, nothing( probably her doing). I didn't like it because he was supposeably married and from what I saw on fb she was 25 and was 46 and there was no happy pictures of them together. First red flag. Later I was told (trickled information) that he was getting divorced and that she was a lesbian. Everything about this business made me uncomfortable.
> Shortly after she used money from her 401K to pay off an 800 dollar bill so the lights could stay on at her business and the money could have been used to pay off bills we were behind on and getting a new car that I needed, because I didnt have one. I opened up my own account and stopped putting money into a shared account, except to pay future autodrafts. So this did cause a seperation between us, apparently she never wanted to share anything like a checking acct anyways. I should also point out that she claims that it makes no money and hasn't for the last year now. Shes either lying about the profits or she just likes to throw her money away. I understand it takes a little bit of time make income on a start up company. Usually people dont do this unless the business can atleast make enough profit to be able to use some of it for their own personal use.


Well given all you now know, do you really think its a good idea to have kids with this woman even if you could convince her? You'll be tied to this for life, and if you think kids will stop her from doing what she wants to do (other men), you're mistaken. If anything it'll get worse as kids tie you down and exacerbate existing problems. You'd be much better off to find a lady in her early 30's that's ready for kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well given all you now know, do you really think its a good idea to have kids with this woman even if you could convince her? You'll be tied to this for life, and if you think kids will stop her from doing what she wants to do (other men), you're mistaken. If anything it'll get worse as kids tie you down and exacerbate existing problems. You'd be much better off to find a lady in her early 30's that's ready for kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I agree. My desperation got the best of me, but I did tell her after DDay that I would still have a child with her during that awkward phase of false reconnection. My blinders were on and I could only think of being alone and having to start over with someone else, all the time it takes to get to know each other etc. I hope your right.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Today was a good day. I asked her as mentioned above, to get her personal effects out of the house. I got a call from today that her dad and brother were coming to pick up some of her things. It went about as well as it could. It was funny though because she didn't bring any boxes and since I was ready to do it myself for her I went into the garage and grabbed about 15 boxes, tape and wrapping paper and put in front of them and they went to work. I went downstairs and watched football.
My brother in law was same as always, polite and didn't say anything offensive, took no sides and we small talked about football and his kids. Ive always admired his family. My father in law was also polite. It was my father in law that probably convinced her that she had no reason to afraid of me and talked her into getting her stuff today. 
I will truly miss them both. Her dad and I had a moment. He said that he will miss me and wanted to see me again. I didn't let my guard down because she was near by but I wanted to ball. I don't have a father and he was the closest thing to one now for me. 
On the way out he whispered to me that his exwife and stbxw mother acted the same way ws is acting today. His exwife cheated on him too. 
I also had a chance to give stbxw my lawyers address and phone number. She said she would get back to me about hers. 
The only time it was awkward is that my father in law basically asked me to be friends with stbxw. What I simply told him was that things were different between him and I because her and I don't have kids. What I wanted to say was my friends don't even treat me as bad as she did and if they did they wouldn't be my friend anymore. I have no intention of remaining friends with stbxw. The last thing I need is to have her start dumping her bf problems on me. 
Overall it went well today. I deffinately still love my father in law and brother in law, she killed that too. I will do my best to keep the relationship going with them by just being a friend to the them. 
Im still confused and don't know when she will be getting the rest of her stuff because she doesn't think that far ahead or plans anything but I'll settle for a small victory today.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

unfortunatly infidelity and separation is like that it not just affect the direct relationsho between the parts involved, but all the relationships formed during years, after all many people really come te see In laws as real family and close friends, I bet it must be hard for your in laws also have to realize that you are not going to be in their lives in the same way you was (family gatherings, important events or just to hang out) this is also a side effect of what someone selfish actions destroy along with the marriage.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

about her stuff I will quote what other user did, and what many people have imitated if you want no futher contact with her, other that the moment you sign the divorce document or in court.

quote:
_
*I hauled every thing and took it to a storage unit. I paid for two months worth of access to it. I bought a cheap lock and certified mailed her the key. I told her she had two months to get it after that It would be gone. This worked out well for me. I did not have to look at her stuff anymore and it only cost me 2 months storage fees.*_


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> about her stuff I will quote what other user did, and what many people have imitated if you want no futher contact with her, other that the moment you sign the divorce document or in court.
> 
> quote:
> _
> *I hauled every thing and took it to a storage unit. I paid for two months worth of access to it. I bought a cheap lock and certified mailed her the key. I told her she had two months to get it after that It would be gone. This worked out well for me. I did not have to look at her stuff anymore and it only cost me 2 months storage fees.*_


Thanks for that. I talked to lawyer because I didn't want to break any laws regarding mutual property. My lawyer said to take pictures of everything first. He also said he would make an official letter and send it to her or atty with all the needed information to gain entry. Im starting this tomorrow.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

How are you feeling man? I advice you to excersice yourself, jog, go to the gym, find a hobby, is good to be active in these difficult times, put yourself goals to improve yourself, this may help you to be distracted and will help you to move on faster.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> How are you feeling man? I advice you to excersice yourself, jog, go to the gym, find a hobby, is good to be active in these difficult times, put yourself goals to improve yourself, this may help you to be distracted and will help you to move on faster.


I've been doing better. With Thanksgiving it's been hard to locate a an IC but I have and we've been playing phone tag on setting an appt. 
My job keeps me physically active so I haven't been working out. I get a good work out from work everyday. I've set small goals. Moving her stuff out my room, working on that today. 

I just found out that since my wife filed for divorce and did not serve the paperwork, I cannot send the paperwork to her. The person that files has to do it. I was buying time for the sole fact of refinancing my home in my own name. I needed a little time to rebuild credit. Now I am ready to pull the trigger only to find out that my lawyer needs to contact the clerk at the court house to see if we can proceed with the divorce and if her not sending the paperwork (divorce decree) is going to cause problems in getting divorced. I'm waiting for the lawyer to let me know my options on what to do. Worse case scenerio the filling she did for the divorce lasts for 6 months if nothing is done it stops and ends and then I can file and send the divorce decree and start over. I was under the impression that I could send divorce decree and send it to her regardless of who filed it. I had plans for dramatic effect which I can't do now and might have to wait till next April to do it. 

I want to move on and she is not coming back. I think she didn't send because she couldn't afford it not for some chance of reconcilliation. Or she just didn't know, she says she has a lawyer but I don't think she has one on retainer. She really is in a fog. Kinda pathetic.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I still haven't heard from the lawyer but this weekend I moved all of her stuff out of my "new" bedroom and cleaned it top to bottom. I now have a closet and plenty of drawers to hold my clothes. I am motivated now to keep packing up her stuff. I feel like its just my room now and I don't have to look at her stuff. It really is helpful.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Edited original post for easier reading.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

there are many kind of persons out there.

there are some who needs time to grieve their lost relationship and others who need to start dating to empower themeselves and see that life goes on an can be better.

how do you feel about the posibility of dating again?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> there are many kind of persons out there.
> 
> there are some who needs time to grieve their lost relationship and others who need to start dating to empower themeselves and see that life goes on an can be better.
> 
> how do you feel about the posibility of dating again?


Not yet. Probably won't until the divorce is final. I'm not going out of my way. I've spoke with a single women via fb. An old friend. I have always been attracted to her but I don't know her anymore and she has a boyfriend for a couple of months. It took her about two weeks to get back to me. Not pushing anything but I am gun shy. If she wanted to talk more I'd have to check with her to see if her relationship is exclusive with him. I don't want to hurt anybody and I know personally I wouldn't date me just because I'm not divorced.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Went to an IC today. I was so scattered. I couldn't at times, keep my thoughts together enough to answer her without going into another topic. It helped, I cried she listened and made sure I was eating and sleeping. It went well and I am looking forward to next week.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

how about friends?, how is your support group?, even if you are not ready to even start thinking in dating, hanging out with friends and getting hobbies is important for your mental stability, you can not stop your personal life due your STBXW actions.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> how about friends?, how is your support group?, even if you are not ready to even start thinking in dating, hanging out with friends and getting hobbies is important for your mental stability, you can not stop your personal life due your STBXW actions.


I have few friends. I felt close to my in laws and now its... well you know. Both of my parents are deceased. I did hang out with a buddy of mine for Thanksgiving. I am by nature extroverted and feel comfortable around people and I do love to talk. I'll work on the hobby thing. 

When I was kid I use to surf. Loved it. I moved far from the beach. I've tried other hobbies but never really enjoyed as much as I did surfing so nothing really stuck. I still watch football, religiously. 

I don't think I would like going to a group for support. I never looked into it. I suppose it couldn't hurt.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I did three things this week. One, I took of my wedding ring. Second, I went to see an IC, I like her so far and I'm set to go every week for awhile. It helped a lot. A safe place dump my feelings.
Lastly, I joined a dating service! I'm kinda at the point that I want to talk with women. I don't have a lot of friends and I really need to be communicating with other people. I'm extroverted naturally so not interacting with people didn't feel right. Anyways, wish me luck. Ladies, If you'd like to see my profile I'd be glad to share it just pm me. I wouldn't mind your opinion on my profile.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Good for you, even if you are not ready to date giving a Little glance to the field is a good thing.

so you haven't hear nothing about STBXW, I guess that now that her things are out of the house the only communication is through lawyers


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi Gonnabealright.Don't know if its been suggested yet,but you may find some interesting groups to socialize with at meetup.com.The meetups cover a variety of interests.Just check out what's available in your area.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> Good for you, even if you are not ready to date giving a Little glance to the field is a good thing.
> 
> so you haven't hear nothing about STBXW, I guess that now that her things are out of the house the only communication is through lawyers


I wish. She doesn't have a lawyer and when she came with her dad and brother she only took a small amount of her collectables, not clothes or make up. I took back the bedroom and packed some of her stuff and I'm slowly working on boxing the rest of her things. Eventually I'll get all moved to a storage facility.

She still ignores my txts and has been for about a month now. My txts were regarding business stuff, like switching over the internet bill and still she won't respond. Now I have start a new internet service and stick her with the bill because she wont tell me if she will go fix it.

I had a call from the car dealership. I gave them her number and told her they called, no response. I was afraid she would just bail out on the car entirely and leave it there. I called the next day and she did at least pick it up. I still have to call the car dealership to check and see if she made her payment. It's just ridiculous really. If she doesn't have a lawyer how am I suppose to know what half of the stuff in the house thats mutual property is the stuff she wants???

If she keeps it up I'm going to bury her with my atty. No response means I get everything I ask for.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

TBT said:


> Hi Gonnabealright.Don't know if its been suggested yet,but you may find some interesting groups to socialize with at meetup.com.The meetups cover a variety of interests.Just check out what's available in your area.


Neat, thanks for that.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I mentioned earlier I started a profile on a dating service. Holy Crap! I'm deffinately going to be ok. I have a date Wednesday and were talkin sexy in chat! Go me! 
There's like 5 women that friended me on FB and another that wants to skiing this weekend! I couldn't be happier at the moment!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> She still ignores my txts and has been for about a month now. My txts were regarding business stuff, like switching over the internet bill and still she won't respond. Now I have start a new internet service and stick her with the bill because she wont tell me if she will go fix it.
> 
> I had a call from the car dealership. I gave them her number and told her they called, no response. I was afraid she would just bail out on the car entirely and leave it there. I called the next day and she did at least pick it up. I still have to call the car dealership to check and see if she made her payment. It's just ridiculous really. If she doesn't have a lawyer how am I suppose to know what half of the stuff in the house thats mutual property is the stuff she wants???
> 
> If she keeps it up I'm going to bury her with my atty. No response means I get everything I ask for.


what a freakin weird behaviour, if you were texting her to offend her or for something about the relationship I could understand it, but hey in a way is a lot easier to completly detach from her with this kind of aptitude.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> I mentioned earlier I started a profile on a dating service. Holy Crap! I'm deffinately going to be ok. I have a date Wednesday and were talkin sexy in chat! Go me!
> There's like 5 women that friended me on FB and another that wants to skiing this weekend! I couldn't be happier at the moment!


yes, finding women to date is easy, the problem is finding one to commit yourself again.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> what a freakin weird behaviour, if you were texting her to offend her or for something about the relationship I could understand it, but hey in a way is a lot easier to completly detach from her with this kind of aptitude.


I think she thinks Im going to "abuse" her verbally. She's timid and worries about the oddest things. I was angry but I can talk with her about the business between us we need to settle without a scene. I mentioned she did come to pick up somethings but she had to do it with her dad and brother here. They both live more then 100 miles away. 

My father in law whispered to me as he left that her mother acted the same way when they split up after an affair. Her percetion is skewed and she's acting as if I'm abusive and I feel like she's playing the victim. Affair fog, me thinks.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> I think she thinks Im going to "abuse" her verbally. She's timid and worries about the oddest things. I was angry but I can talk with her about the business between us we need to settle without a scene. I mentioned she did come to pick up somethings but she had to do it with her dad and brother here. They both live more then 100 miles away.
> 
> My father in law whispered to me as he left that her mother acted the same way when they split up after an affair. Her percetion is skewed and she's acting as if I'm abusive and I feel like she's playing the victim. Affair fog, me thinks.


Yeah, I just love the whole 'victim' thing.... you can't let it bother you. They all play that near as I can tell. Be the best man you can be and always go to bed knowing you did the right thing... everyone else can go to h*ll. :smthumbup:


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I went on a date with a beutiful women. She's getting some 800 messages on her dating site. I feel like I hit the lottery. I also got another one that just now gave me her number. This is so much fun!

IC wants me to list and describe all my past relationships. We talked about my childhood, I balled. When I got home from my date, I cried. I fing cry all the time! I miss being married and I still miss what my stbxw was before she cheated.


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

Dude. I feel your pain. Even talking or dancing with women has me moping the whole next day. I feel like I cheated or have this overwhelming sense of guilt. Any advice on how to deal with this?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

TexDad034 said:


> Dude. I feel your pain. Even talking or dancing with women has me moping the whole next day. I feel like I cheated or have this overwhelming sense of guilt. Any advice on how to deal with this?


Not yet..I might after a few more sessions with the IC. If your extroverted like me, it's bad because we like people generally and I don't like to be alone. It's a good confidence boost going out and seeing women are interested in you. I've been told it gets better over time too.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

well in GBA case his stbxw is making his existences invisible maybe that is forcing the detachment to happen more quickly, in your case TD034 for the involvement of your son you have to deal with her constantly and is making it harder for you.

Don't missunderstand me GBA I am not minimizing your pain but at least it seems that for your circumstances you will be able to close that chapter of your life, and you will not have to deal with your cheating XW unlike OPs like TX034 who is forced to see her and also is forced to lose time with his kid for her STBXw selfich behaviour.

of course in your case the problem was the time your stbxw stole by lying you about her wanting children.


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

Not trying to hijack your thread GBA, but what you said earlier really struck a chord with me and I believe the advice could serve us both well.

Is the guilt normal though? Should we even feel guilty, especially if there has been NO attempt or talk about R?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

TexDad034 said:


> Not trying to hijack your thread GBA, but what you said earlier really struck a chord with me and I believe the advice could serve us both well.
> 
> Is the guilt normal though? Should we even feel guilty, especially if there has been NO attempt or talk about R?


I slept with the women I took out. You need to know that. I say that because I am not sure if it has something to do with the release of endorphines that feels like love when you have sex with someone. They are powerful endorphines. Actually she's blown me off now and I'm finding myself needing her, it's actually a really sh!tty place to be. Are you sleeping with these women? Maybe just dancing and getting close to their bodies can do this to you? I really don't know but I really like it  the downfall is that you don't get to get those endorphines on a regular basis. It's almost like a drug. 

The councilor asked me if I felt like I cheated on her. I said I don't think it feels like guilt. It was more a realization that sex with a stranger is unfilling and I am missing the relationship with my stbxw before Dday, the happy times when she loved me alone and no one else. 

The councilor used the word guilt. I'm not totally convinced that's what it was. By you seeing other women, you are causing no harm to anyone else. We are single now. Your not causing any harm to your stbxw by seeing/sleeping with other women, the vows are toast and the relationship is over. 

For me I just want to be married again. You don't get that same type of emotional attachment or any of the other benefits when you just dating.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

This is going to be the worst X-mas ever. Not only am I dealing with a divorce with no family, I just got fired from my job. I feel like my world has folded in on itself. I want this women I slept with to fix me, hold me tell me Im gonnabealright. I am a complete walking fuc!ing disaster. 

The insurance cancels at the first of year, so no more IC. Probably going to lose the house if I can't find a good paying job. 

I know I'll survive it all and live to see another day but pretty much everything I have is going out the window unless I can catch a really big break. 

Can I have the life behind door #3, this one sucks!!!!


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

stay strong man, it sucks to be unemployed, but as I said in other post, rough times are the ones that make us appreciate the good times and enjoy them to the fullest.

question? you were fired as collatereal damage for all the mess your selfish wife provoked or was totally unrelated?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

TexDad034 said:


> Not trying to hijack your thread GBA, but what you said earlier really struck a chord with me and I believe the advice could serve us both well.
> 
> Is the guilt normal though? Should we even feel guilty, especially if there has been NO attempt or talk about R?


well man, depending who you ask there will be many responses about that.

there are people who says tha until you are legally divorced, and after you allowed yourself have a grieving period you should not date anyone.

I in the other hand am a firm believer, that the marriage and loyalty towards the WS end the momento she/he cheats and is declared that divorce will be the path to follow.

but maybe really depend in every person, as I have stated before one of the adventages of dating new people as fast as possible, is feeling that you are valuable and desired for other persons, and that the actions of you WS should not affect your self image.


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

No dating, or anything of the sort. It's really just being around them and conversing in ways I wouldn't as a married man. To be honest, I don't think there will be any problem dating, but still the guilt lingers. 

GBA, I really hope you keep your head up high and realize its not the end of the world. Just think, 2013 is almost done and gone forever. We can see 2014 as a totally fresh start for you. I hope you keep it together bud.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> stay strong man, it sucks to be unemployed, but as I said in other post, rough times are the ones that make us appreciate the good times and enjoy them to the fullest.
> 
> question? you were fired as collatereal damage for all the mess your selfish wife provoked or was totally unrelated?


Totally unrelated.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

well at least you can go and spend chrismass wherever you want without the time restriction from work (I know is not really tha useful advice but i have nothing else), really I mean it when I say that good time will come, but I know that sometimes words mean nothing when we are in slump.

better times will come after all a new year is a bout to begin


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You should move to a place you can surf again.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> You should move to a place you can surf again.


Totally down with that. I might. Surfing made all other hobbies fail in comparision. I still haven't found anything that I have liked as much as I liked to surf.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

It's only been 3 months since D day. Lessons learned so far:

Transparancy: is a necesity in a healthy relationship. Happy couples are not probing into emails at whim but both are in agreement if the other feels they want to they can. Most of them have nothing to hide and its not an issue.

Dating: I am not ready to do it but the experience has shown me that when I am ready there will always be women available. 

Divorce sucks. She hasn't paid her car payment for two months now. I've tried everything except make the payment and I'm not going to, ever. I gave the bank her work number and told them of the situation and when it goes to repo I'll go get it and turn it in. 

My plan is to ask for a year and half after divorce to refinance the house. This will give me time to make up for the repossed car or late payments on the vehicle. I might ask for a longer time depending on how long she stays late on payments. The lease doesn't end until Septemeber of next year. 

I was almost at a point of giving up on keeping the house. It may end up that I sell it anyways depending on what the judge says.

I have an inquiry into her business with no response from her yet. I may need to have a court order to make her do it. So far she still doesn't have a lawyer. I hope I can get the judge to see her irresponsibilty and will allow me time to fix my credit to refinance the house. I'm also hoping she and OM have a little money in there business that they will be forced to give me. It may force them into liquidating assets of the business to pay me for what is legally mine. I do like the idea of making him know it was me who ruined his business. You mess with the bull and you get the horns. It's would be much more fullfilling then beating the crap out of him.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Just an update. I took a job driving over the road. I'm considering just giving up on the house. I've got family in NC and I'm considering moving there. I might just drive the truck until I can't stand it anymore and want to move into an apartment. I'm not totally sure of this yet. I'm going to drive for a few weeks and then make a decision on it. The plus side is once the house is gone I can seriously rat hole some money pay off the debt of the house, which is inevitable if I sell or quick sell it. I'm considering bankruptcy and leaving my old life behind and starting over somewhere else. 

I still think about her constantly. I've given up on dating for the moment. I run the tape through my head and it only takes the memory of her texting him right after we had sex two weeks after dday to bring me back to reality. I've had trouble sleeping too. I wake up with dreams about her almost nightly. 
She got a lawyer but she hasn't made a car payment for almost 3 months which has ruined any chance of refinancing the house. I just don't want to be in the house anymore anyways but the lawyer says I could ask the judge to give me a couple of years to reestablish my credit to refinance on my own, but right now I just want out. 
I'm pretty sure I'm moving out of state. I'm just not sure if I want to try and make it back in San Diego where I was born and raised or go to North Carolina with my family. 
I can't wait to feel good again. I just want this all to be over so I can rebuild my life.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Your last post reminds of the song by Little Village called "Don't Think About Her When You're Trying To Drive."

I think it doesn't apply to you anymore. You sound like you're moving on fine! You are better off!


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> Your last post reminds of the song by Little Village called "Don't Think About Her When You're Trying To Drive."
> 
> I think it doesn't apply to you anymore. You sound like you're moving on fine! You are better off!


Your right. I am doing better. I said I "constantly" think about her, that's not exactly true. I still do it a lot but it is getting better. I'll have check out that song. I think all of us cuckholds have a country song that defines our story perfectly somewhere out there in radio land. Thanks for saying so.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

No problem. Buddy you will be alright! Says so in the song! 

She don't know who you're missing
Driving down that lonesome road tonight
Looking for one starlight glowing
Or her face shining in the dashlight
Driving out of Natchez
You drive her back and forth across your mind
Tires squeal as the wheels spin faster
Love's gone for good this time

Don't think about her
Move on, you're lucky just to be alive
You'll live without her
Just don't think about her
When you're trying to drive

A heart in your condition
Shouldn't be out on that road tonight
Bad clutch and your load keeps shiftin'
But hold on, Buddy you'll be alright
You'll wake tomorrow morning
You'll probably be in Memphis or somewhere
And they won't know one thing about her
Those lips, those eyes, that hair

Don't think about her
Move on, you're lucky just to be alive
You'll live without her
Just don't you think about her
When you're tryin' to drive

You make that phone call
You'll hear her sayin'
"Hello, who's there, is it somebody playin'?"
You won't be able to utter a word
She's better off not knowin'
Where it is you're goin'

Don't think about her
Move on, you're lucky just to be alive
You'll live without her
Just don't you think about her
When you're trying to drive


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> You should move to a place you can surf again.


Looks like I am going to be doing just that  I've decided to move to Virginia Beach Virginia. It's February and they are surfing right now. My family is also there. 

I think I am now understanding what it means to take care of me. I need my family and I need to do something I enjoy. I've done a lot of thinking as to what would make me happy. I can't picture a better place for me. I thought of moving to San Diego, I was born there but there isn't any family left but they have better beaches for surfing. 
I decided to go with VB because I will be able to surf and I'll get to see my family. My cousin has two great kids 8 and 11. I am looking forward to being apart of there lives and recreating my own. I feel free to do whatever I want. The future looks much better. 
I can also go to work there in my field of study. I couldn't really do that because where I currently live I couldn't take the pay cut and still afford the mortgage. Now I can. I can now see how things will be better when the divorce is final.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

it seems that is really a fresh start for you, that is good, once you cut your ex unlike many BS you will be able to make her a distant memory, and yes leaving the city seems to be the more healthy for you.

porbably once you lleave the city even tthe thoughts about you ex will be less and less common, good luck man


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Heres an update. For all that are interested. 

As you know my stbxw filed for divorce and left the house and moved into a new address. This was back in October. I've been paying all the bills associated with house we own together since Febuary of 2013, when she started a new business with her AP. Since then I have had a discovery done into her/his(AP) business. The information is now available, she turned it in the same day my lawyer was going to court to have it court ordered. I'll post more about it when I see it sometime soon. 

There has been no contact from her in the last 5 months, until recently. A buddy of mine was living in the house with me while I was working and she decided to stop by. It turns out she is now desperate. She is asking for possession of the house until the divorce is final. 

My lawyer has offered a counter offer. If she doesn't accept these terms, I'll be asking for sole possession of the house until the divorce is final. The court date is Monday. If she accepts the terms we won't need to go to court. 

So.. she wants the judge to kick me out of the house, pay all the bills associated with it, find a new place to live and pay the rent there until the divorce is finalized which will likely be over in a month or two???? I'm pretty sure the judge will take my side. My counter offer is fair. 

This women I married who turns out did not want commitment and transparency and clearly wanted independence and privacy is now compromising her individual freedoms she wanted so badly, coming back to me asking for a free ride. Who is the is women??? For the last 5 months she has had what she wanted. She's been on her own. Now she thinks I owe her and is trying to kick me out of the house I've been paying for with no assistance from her. I just don't get it. She is 9 years younger then me, 31 years old. She is a perfect example of what her generation is all about. The generation Y "What can you do for me". 

I respected her decision to leave. I respected her choices. I wished her to find what she wanted on her own terms. I wanted her out of my life because I don't want what she wants. Our marriage was a mistake. She has truly revealed herself now. Her desire for independence is not independence. It's a taker mantality. She is a sponge. It's an unusual situation. Usually the cheating spouse leaves and doesn't come back. Most cheaters know the gig is up. This one thinks she is still owed something. I cannot wait to put her behind me. She is fraud with no fortitude to her own values.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> Heres an update. For all that are interested.
> 
> As you know my stbxw filed for divorce and left the house and moved into a new address. This was back in October. I've been paying all the bills associated with house we own together since Febuary of 2013, when she started a new business with her AP. Since then I have had a discovery done into her/his(AP) business. The information is now available, she turned it in the same day my lawyer was going to court to have it court ordered. I'll post more about it when I see it sometime soon.
> 
> ...


Keep doing what you've been doing. Do you know that saying" misery love company" ? Don't fall into that crap, stay strong and continue to be happy. That's what matters in life. She made her bed, let her lye in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Her business failed and she has financial difficulties?

Has her relationship with POSOM run out in the sand?

What does the division of assets look like?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Her business failed and she has financial difficulties?
> 
> Has her relationship with POSOM run out in the sand?
> 
> ...


I don't know what her business looks like, totally. I did look at what she sent in on the discovery. My atty hasn't had time to look it over yet but from what I read she only sent in a copy of the checking account associated with the business. It stops in August of 2013. There was a $6000.00 deposit put it in. I believe its not enough information to prove she is'nt making a profit. I think she took out a loan and paid it almost completely off with the profits but I'll need more information to prove it. She has'nt given us any accounting material that shows the money coming and going, just a checking account record. Taxes are to be filed soon and we will get to look at that too. I will likely have to hire a court appointed accountant to go in a look throughly. 

She claims that her and POSOM are just friends and refers to him as her business partner only. 

The bad news. We are not going to court for sole possession of the house. The lawyers have compromised. She is moving back in until one of us can get a loan without the others name on the loan to refinance. We have six months. If neither of us can do it we will be forced to sell and take a bath in the debt occurred. I am intending on moving to Virginia as I mentioned. I do not care who gets the financing first. I'll keep it and rent it out until the market gets better or the equity improves. If she can get a cosigner to refinance with her, great. I just don't want take a bath in the debt if we are forced to sell it. I make too much money to file a total bankruptcy. Chapter 13, a promise to repay is the best I could do. I don't want to do it and I am doing everything I can to keep my financial life in order. 

I included a few things in the stipulated order. The most important one is that the legal document states she is solely responsible for the her car that has late payments since October and close to being repossessed. I can turn this into the credit bureau and banks and it will remove the strike from my credit report. It will take a month or two to make this happen but it is the main reason why I can't refinance today. 

Also, If she gets ansy and takes my car, which isn't in any financial trouble with the bank she will be in contempt of court, told to return it and be told to leave the house. I have created extra measures to insure she can't get it. 

She has to pay half of every expense with the house, including the mortgage. If she doesn't she will be in contempt of court and be asked to leave. 

All requests for allimony and court fees will not be applied and/or decided until the final hearing of the divorce. 

I also read in the discovery the texts messages I was sending to her while we were in that strange hysterical bonding phase....I was at the time trying desperately for her to stop seeing him and convince her to have a child with me, to bring her back to the way she was when we first married. As I read through the texts, she made cliff notes when I mentioning having a child with her. She wrote things like "obsessed" and "creepy".

She included letters written to her friend telling her how unhappy she was ( I wish I knew, I thought we dealt with this and was behind us after mc, I was happy). 

She also contacted my 1st exwife. We were married 9 months, a total mistake. #1 didn't answer her questions, accept that she agreed I was controlling, #1 was also a cheater and didn't really like be contacted by number #2. Ofcourse #1 didn't say anything about cheating on me. All this information just looks like she is still trying to justify her cheating. She just doesn't realize she could have left before she cheated. 

Atleast now I can see the light at the end of tunnel after being in the dark for the last 5 months. The good news is that I might be able to see my dog. I won't be home much. I am driving over the road so contact should be minimal and the extra money will help with lawyer costs. 
I have healed enough from her actions that I believe it's all business at this point. I want nothing to do with her. She has truly revealed who she is now. I wish her the best in finding what makes her happy and once this over I don't want to hear anything about her again. Wish me luck folks it's almost over. Any advice would help thanks.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I've tried on a number of occassions to talk to my exwife. When she showed up at the house my friend who was staying there called me and told me she was there. I tried to call to see what the hell she was doing. (I mentioned this in the previous post). She told me then that she was'nt picking up her phone to talk to me because she wants everything documented. She told me this through a text message. 

She's still playing the victim. We have had 1 conversation via text since October. I offered to pay for turning in her car, no reply. I recently told her we could rent the house out, no reply. 

Right now if she has money from her business, shes just not spending it on paying her car payments on time. I'm also pretty sure I will have to get a court ordered accountant to look more closely at her business. I am fairly certain my lawyer will agree. I read what she sent in. There are a lot of holes. 

Does anyone have any idea why she would press for moving back in to the house? I feel like I'm going to get hit with something that I'm not prepared for. She has to pay for half of everything associated with the house and if she doesn't, Ill easily get soul possession of it for her failing to fullfil the court order. Is she just totally stupid? What am I missing?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

4/19/14

She has moved back in. She was here when I got home. We had a conversation that let me vent how I feel about her to her without getting ugly. I am still resentful. Seeing her brought it all back up. She was only her for an hour before she left to stay with her girlfriend (or boyfriend, I still don't trust what she says) while I stay here but it was emotionally draining. I did tell her somethings I probably should have left unsaid. I'm glad I got to say some of the things I said but it gets to the point where I am just rambling to her. It stops being a conversation and turns into me just rephrasing what I've already said because she's not engaging in the conversation. I recognize it and just stop and let the silence commence. I no longer expect her to act remoarseful or look for a solution because she is not and doesn't want to fix it. 

I told her that I slept with other women and I told her I loved her like no other and that this experience has left me believing I will likely never have children of my own and that women still find me attractive. I got to tell how selfish I thought she was. I got to tell her I had an STD test done after we split up. It made me realize how resentful I still am. She was sad. I reminded her I gave her a chance to make it right and she didn't take it. I told her it was a good idea for her to leave because I can't, won't or I am unable to not say anything about what shes done. Given a few minutes of silence I was ready to tell her how she hurt me. I can't be in the same house with her. 

At one point when she reached for my hand to hold and I pulled away from her. I wasn't interested in hearing what she has to say. She is toxic to me. 

It's a cruel experiment in life having to share this house with her. She left her job and is now a mail carrier. She paid the back bill on the electricty. I honestly forgot to pay it. Im not here and they didnt call me so the power was shut off. I guess she lived her in the dark for a few days until they turned it on again. She finally cashed in her 401k to pay for the share of her the mortgage payment( I wish she would have used hers like I used all of mine, which is gone now forcing us to go into modification) and the money needed to turn the power back on. The power company never called me. I didnt know it was turned off. I would have paid if I knew. I really just forgot to pay that bill.
She did throw away the bad food and left our dog here to be with me. 

Still, I want to know details about the affair. I will never get to know and now that its over its none of my business. It sucks wondering about it. 

She was open to the idea of renting the house out but she wasn't sure about it and needed to think about it. I reminded her that we will owe if we sell, regardless of a short sell or a regular sell. I offered her control of the money if it becomes a rental and she only needs to send me a check. I have one more shot at refinancing on my own but its a stretch. I'm going to send in the needed information for that today. If that doesn't go through the only financial option without lossing my ass is to rent it until one of us can reestablish our credit to refinance it into one of our own names, I just want to be free of it. I'll let her refinance it and sign off on selling it if I am not able to do it first. If we rent it it buys time for me to pay off debt while the mortgage is being paid, allowing me a couple of years to fix my credit, let the market get better and more equity to build in the house. 

I want to move and I can't yet. I want to go to my family, where I am loved. I have a nephew and a niece there I want to see grow up. There is also a beach. A place to surf, something that I truly really love to do. Once I don't have to pay for this house I can make a career move to my field of study. I'll need to drive a truck for awhile longer to pay off some debt but soon after I will be able to redevelope myself in my field of study. I'll take a pay cut but hopefully get a nice day job with the weekends off and get out of the truck. I can't wait to get my own little apartment and reinvent myself.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> I told her I loved her like no other and that this experience has left me believing I will likely never have children of my own


the only way that this paragraph becomes true is if you let it become real, you are young, I have know of men that have become parents in their 50's, don't block yourself with stereotypes about age, if you want a kid go for it, find a woman willing to make a family, the only thing that is holding you, is your mind.

don't deny yourself that gift, I have read your posts, I know you crave for a family, I know that while many us take family for granted you only have a cousin and even him is precious to you, dont give up dont be folish, don't settle, yours is such a simple dream and at the same time such a precious dream, don't give excuses if in the end you are not able to form a family don't blame others blame yourself for giving up.

find a good woman a make a family.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> the only way that this paragraph becomes true is if you let it become real, you are young, I have know of men that have become parents in their 50's, don't block yourself with stereotypes about age, if you want a kid go for it, find a woman willing to make a family, the only thing that is holding you, is your mind.
> 
> don't deny yourself that gift, I have read your posts, I know you crave for a family, I know that while many us take family for granted you only have a cousin and even him is precious to you, dont give up dont be folish, don't settle, yours is such a simple dream and at the same time such a precious dream, don't give excuses if in the end you are not able to form a family don't blame others blame yourself for giving up.
> 
> find a good woman a make a family.


Thanks for the remarks. Im just not ready yet. I think I might be one day. I have to get away from her first.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

It's almost over. So in a surprising turn of events the stbxw wants to keep the house. I can't refinance myself. She probably won't be able to refinance and will have to sell in a year if she can't. I'm moving out and heading for VB. The temporary set back is I'm stuck in my truck until I find a job there. As soon as I do I can temporarily move in with family. All the utilities are switched over to her. She and the judge just needs to sign off on the final divorce decree and Im free. 

Theres is one good thing. Ill have a lot more money! I should have my debt paid off in months rather then years. 

Our current court order which expires soon is to split all bills. I asked her to sell and I would stay until we did. She doesn't want to move. I'm not staying there until next spring when the market it good again. I guess the rest is up to God. I'm done. 

I put him on cheaterville too. She defended him and I told her if he has a problem with it to talk to me directly unless he's ok with his gf fighting his battles.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> I guess the rest is up to God. I'm done.


Live off of this statement for a while.

Think about it: You are, and have been, powerless over her, and because of the toxic relationship your life...emotionally and financially and otherwise... is unmanageable with her. Ask God to carry your burden and help you move forward.

I believe all prayers are answered, even when that answer is 'no'. Do not be discouraged, something better is awaiting you down the line. Perhaps this was just a stop on your journey to help you recognize when you finally do find someone who is right for you.

Best wishes.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

movealong said:


> Live off of this statement for a while.
> 
> Think about it: You are, and have been, powerless over her, and because of the toxic relationship your life...emotionally and financially and otherwise... is unmanageable with her. Ask God to carry your burden and help you move forward.
> 
> ...


Thanks.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> the only way that this paragraph becomes true is if you let it become real, you are young, I have know of men that have become parents in their 50's, don't block yourself with stereotypes about age, if you want a kid go for it, find a woman willing to make a family, the only thing that is holding you, is your mind.
> 
> don't deny yourself that gift, I have read your posts, I know you crave for a family, I know that while many us take family for granted you only have a cousin and even him is precious to you, dont give up dont be folish, don't settle, yours is such a simple dream and at the same time such a precious dream, don't give excuses if in the end you are not able to form a family don't blame others blame yourself for giving up.
> 
> find a good woman a make a family.


You really do pay attention. That is exactly what I want. It is all in my mind. I've given it up to God, he's in charge of this now.I'm going to pick better too, take my time ask serious questions and get to know her well. I've dated a few women already and its actually pretty easy to weed them out, if I don't get weeded out first. Anyways, thanks for reading all that. 

I really do get it. The first time I read it I didn't understand. Basically you die trying. In the end you gave it your best shot if you don't get it, no regrets. That's all you can do with anything really.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi.

I'm glad things are finally taking a turning for the better. From what you've described, her actions were horrible and I'm glad for you that you're going to be far away from her soon.

Hopefully in time you will get your doggy for 24/7, permanently.

I understand about the cheating and not knowing the whole story. It bugged me a lot for a long time. It gets better with time, at least for me.

When you'll find a financially viable option, I'd strongly recommend some therapy to help you heal from all this.

Best wishes


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I'm bored today but excited for a number of reasons. I'm journalling. 

Today is a good day. I'm still in my truck today in Ottawa IL. I am going to pack up and move my things to Virginia Beach, VA. My terminal is in KC where my car is parked and I will have 5 or 6 days off to accomplish quit a bit. 

First I have to get back to my former home and box everything of mine up. I'll need a Uhaul van with a car transport and I'll to go the nearest soup kitchen and pay for some cheap labor to help me load my boxes. Hopefully I can get this done in a day, theres not that much stuff. If it goes well on be on the road that night and on my way. I expect two days of travel, that leaves day number three to unload my things into a storage facility with the help of my cousin. 

Day 4? I met a beutiful women on match. Hopefully I get to meet her. Holy crap...she wants what I want, kids. She's 29 and very attractive, thin petitte almost. She has her sh!t together a lot more then I do. I hope it goes somewhere because I really like her. 

Day 4 could be when I then drive back to KC to start work on the 5th day, or I stay with cousin and family and relax a little. Either way I still will have to drive some 1200 miles back to KC from VA in my car. At this point on I won't have a home. I'll be living in the truck. My company can't get me to VA for time off, there is not enough loads to get me there consistantly. 

The scary part: I'm not sure how I'm going to handle not having a place to go on my time off. This is also when I can seriously look for work in VA. While do so I'll be making and saving a lot of money. I will have 3 bills that I need to make a month. I'm a little worried I may lose the women I mentioned, she may not be patient enough, not that I blame her, to wait me out until I can permanately move there.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

you have a big adventage on your side, unlike many BS that already have family and some don't even want to get serious with women, you in fact want to get serious and want a family, that per see will get you alot of date request from women if you put it online, at your early 40's you can date without problem women from (30 - to your age) that are already mentally mature (unlike your ex's in his early 20's whe you got together), and remember you are a man you can have a kid ant 60 if you want (not that I advice you to do it a teenager at 75 should be a pain in the ass lol), and yes what you are doing is very very important descarting women for red flags, don't go over the Top looking for perfectionism but the evidet ones you have to ruled them out.

- Hoo so you like to multidate (out)
- Hoo so your ex/exes have the the fault of everything in your previous relationships (out)
- Hoo so your ex was controlling and very jelous (not out, but carefull many times controlling jelous ex had a reson to be like that). 
- Hoo so you can never give up your freedom and your GNO (out).
- Hoo you chated in the past but you have change (out, some women may have actually change but why to risk is better to play with the odds in your side).

googling the name of the woman you are dating is not wrong at all.

what I don't want is you to end like those old geezers we all have hear about "hoo yes his wife betrayed him, he divorced and remained bitter and alone the rest of his life" they may have not had resources like internet, IC or techniques to cope back then, but you have them, and find a woman who is also eager to form a family and get your classic 2 boys one girl family.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

manticore said:


> you have a big adventage on your side, unlike many BS that already have family and some don't even want to get serious with women, you in fact want to get serious and want a family, that per see will get you alot of date request from women if you put it online, at your early 40's you can date without problem women from (30 - to your age) that are already mentally mature (unlike your ex's in his early 20's whe you got together), and remember you are a man you can have a kid ant 60 if you want (not that I advice you to do it a teenager at 75 should be a pain in the ass lol), and yes what you are doing is very very important descarting women for red flags, don't go over the Top looking for perfectionism but the evidet ones you have to ruled them out.
> 
> - Hoo so you like to multidate (out)
> - Hoo so your ex/exes have the the fault of everything in your previous relationships (out)
> ...


I have my qualifiers for sure. I know for sure I don't want a women with kids living at home in any capacity. To me they are making me a priority over their children which will cause problems I don't want and can simply be avoided by not dating them. They also must really want children, not maybe, not I'm not sure, but they really must want children. I don't want a women who is having my child to make me happy. I want a women who embraces the idea of raising them right. I also want one that wants to stay home and raise them. I don't want my kids raised by babysitter. I'm pretty tradional in that respect and I'm willing to sacrifice my lifestyle to insure my kids are raised right. I expect the same from my wife. So she really has to want to want children. 

But ya, I only date one women at a time now. My profile gets attention from mostly women with kids, there is a lot of them. I'm just not interested. Yea I could be her stud but I would never marry her and I don't want that.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Not officially divorced yet! If you read back, She disappeared for five months. Shes doing it again. 

So her and I talk a month ago and verbally talk about what is fair in the divorce. I take that information to my lawyer and he writes up the final draft and sends it to her lawyer. A month later nothing. I call the lawyer and I speak with her. She says her lawyer hasn't reviewed it yet. My lawyer cc's me an email that says he sent her a copy. A week before the lawyers spoke. The lawyer says he's waiting to her from her. 

The conversation went bad with her. I called her lazy and asked if she wanted to still married to me and why is she stalling? I informed her I was aware of her lying. She goes nuts throws in a few cuss words and disappears. 

So now we have to go to court. I don't know whats going on with her. Is she just lazy? Or am I going to be blitzed with something? Totally avoidable bill I now have to pay to the lawyer. 

On a lighter note, I am officially moving to Viriginia Beach VA. I was just hired with a company there. Wahoo! I moved my things out there last month so I'm really ready to move on.


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