# Not that I am anywhere close to being ready....



## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

am I ever going to trust my judgement about men again? I have spent the last year reflecting ...trying to determine how and why I ended up in this horrible abusive relationship and stayed in it for 10+ years..knowing it was bad. 

My parents were never candidates for parents of the year...I grew up hearing Omar the Tentmaker jokes and being told no one would ever love a fat girl, and life ends when the stretch marks begin..and other lovely gems of parental wisdom over the years. 

I am trying to recall one emotionally healthy romantic relationship and I can think of none..at least stbxh pretended that he cared and did chivalrous boy-friendy type things..I hate to say this..but I think I thought it was true love because he changed a few light bulbs and took out the trash before running out the door. 

In reality he was the most abusive of them all...every single argument ended with a suicide threat so I stopped arguing with him(standing up for my wants and needs) and let him have his way about everything(wedding plans, wedding rings, wedding dress, dinner, dishes, furniture, paint colors, house, dogs, cats, cars, my clothes, my hair, baby names, etc) sure toward the end when I was trying to calmly push him toward the OW so I could get some medicaid coverage for the kids(lost insurance because he made a motorcycle payment in the middle of the night knowing I had the money clearing the account earmarked for the insurance payment 1st thing in the morning) he would proclaim that he would not be able to go on living without me(even though he was spending 4 nights a week at OW's house) ..a week later I was pushed too hard and lost it, lost it in a big way, screaming and crying and actually using the word 'divorce' and he just sat there....of course this final push was probably planned and he was expecting me to flip.


A week ago I was adamant about never getting involved with anyone ever again...me and B.O.B. 4-evah! :rofl: But now that I am starting to feel like myself again, feeling stronger, feeling some hope..noticed I was standing up taller, had a bounce in my step and my sense of humor is bubbling back to the surface I am thinking it's going to be impossible to beat, all the men who will be flocking to me, off with a stick(yeah like I said.. the sense of humor is back) but will I ever trust myself to pick a 'good one' next time?

Like I said I'm in no rush..I am thinking about going back to school and/or going back to work and I have my kids to love and take care of..I'm not going to have a whole heck of a lot of time for romantic endeavors any time soon.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Learning how to trust yourself requires taking personal risks and giving yourself all the support you used to extend to others. It is really a process. It sounds as though you are on the right path. My motto is that if it doesn't FEEL right, it isn't. This operates not just on the bigger level, but in the details of day to day life, the little decisions...the ones you make for yourself.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Learning how to trust yourself requires taking personal risks and giving yourself all the support you used to extend to others. It is really a process. It sounds as though you are on the right path. My motto is that if it doesn't FEEL right, it isn't. This operates not just on the bigger level, but in the details of day to day life, the little decisions...the ones you make for yourself.



Thank you.


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