# No idea what's going on



## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

I originally posted this in general but was told I should post it here

Well first and foremost hello to all. It's certainly unpleasant to meet under these conditions.

Well in an effort to try to not bore you with too huge of a wall of text I'll give a basic run down.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. She has two kids that I think of as mine and vice versa. They even call me dad. We've broken up twice before both of her own doing. Recently, we broke up again and this time instead of me leaving my house. She left and moved in with her mother. We didn't talk for a few days and she started talking to me again. I went over there about a week ago and we had sex. We've been talking ever since up until Tuesday. Sunday I went with her to take the youngest to band camp. She was holding my hand and calling me "my love". That night she was talking about how she was really enjoying the factor that we have been able to reconnect. Tuesday I go with her to her doctor's appointment. We get back and she quits talking to me again. Hasn't said a word since even though I have asked her specifically if she's okay and if I've done something wrong. One time she said no she just doesn't want to talk. A mutual friend of ours told me that she's having a proclaimed existential crisis in that she feels okay at her moms but mostly alone and that she wants intimacy outside of the bedroom and that she's going to a party Saturday night with her brother and sister than an ex lover is going to be at. This ex lover is one of the reasons we broke up a couple years back. I didn't ask about any of this. Our friend just knew things weren't good and felt that I should know. Now during our talks. I said nothing than I don't often times say. She replied with "if I was still capable of human emotions I would be so madly in love with you" I don't know if this is enough info. If more is needed I will gladly answer whatever question you have. If not can anyone make any sense of this because I feel like I'm losing my mind over here.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Move on then. Read MMSLP. Great for all men. You'll improve yourself a lot. If she wants to hang with a guy she broke up with, move on. Don't become a beta orbiter. They never get the gal they pine over.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Perhaps she suffers from depression or is bipolar, I don't know.

But one thing is sure... the "she loves me, she loves me not" game really needs to end. Especially when it all revolves around an ex lover. 

I suggest remaining friends but moving on with finding a true love.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

My inclination would be to tell her that she is going to have to choose and do it quickly. It's bad enough to horse you around, but doing that to the kids is even worse. I would eliminate sex or most discussion and tell her you have no interest in this half-hearted let me evaluate my old boyfriend kind of relationship.


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

I know she does get depressed a lot and that her mother is bi polar. Not that the two are connected.

One thing where this ex lover is concerned that I probably should have mentioned. She has made it known that he's not someone she can seriously consider in a relationship anymore because of his immaturity and lack of ability to take care of himself let alone a family. She recently deleted him from her other facebook account. It's not anything she keeps a secret from anyone she just mainly uses it to write on and adds other people who write there as well. 

The little game is already gotten old. I deleted her from both facebook and my gmail chat already just to let her know I really don't want to but mentally can't keep playing these games.

The youngest is the one that takes it the hardest. The eldest is used to her mom having men come and go. Their dad left when they were really young. 

If we ever start talking again I'm going to have to nip the relationship talk really fast. Getting emotionally invested in that we will work things out is really breaking me down. 

I love her whole heartedly so I just don't really understand why she does this.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Got a question for you.

Don't you think you deserve more for yourself???

What I'm seeing is a female who is not ready to make the choice to finally grow up.
She play house with you for a while, see something that catch her eye, break up with you, do him a while then come back.

That doc visit was for setting you up fo the bun in the oven after doing him and you dude.

Bottom line,,, RUN FORREST RUN !!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Looks like she has psychological issues.
I guess she has more things not said to you about her ex.
Counseling for both.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

So, I gather that you're not worried that she may reconnect with her ex-boyfriend a the party Saturday.

I guess if she has sex with him again, she may come to realize that it's you that she really wants... for now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Looks like the tip of the iceberg again when it comes to this exbf. Sure, he's immature and all that. Sounds like a bad boy. She knows he's not marriage material but she's attracted to him anyway. 

I know you love those kids, but you have to let go. You know this relationship is a dead end, what you're seeking is validation for ending it.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

lokischild said:


> Now during our talks. I said nothing than I don't often times say. She replied with* "if I was still capable of human emotions I would be so madly in love with you"* I don't know if this is enough info. If more is needed I will gladly answer whatever question you have. If not can anyone make any sense of this because I feel like I'm losing my mind over here.


Who _says_ this during normal human discourse? 

I'll tell you who. Drama queens, or aliens. The rules I live by strongly urge me not to date either. My advice to you is the same, Loki.

Don't date drama queens, or aliens.

On a more serious note, I think Lordmayhem hit the nail on the head. This sounds like a dead end relationship with a woman who is quite simply not long-term relationship material. 

You're right to cut her out of your social network. Now cut her out of your life and move on.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

You've got problems, big ones imo

"if I was still capable of human emotions I would be so madly in love with you" ......

Even from the little you've said there's some kind of disorder going on that you've probably never been really aware of just felt 

Check out BPD (borderline personality disorder and of course Bi Polar)

As Mayhem said "ice berg"


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

lokischild said:


> I know she does get depressed a lot and that her mother is bi polar. Not that the two are connected.
> 
> One thing where this ex lover is concerned that I probably should have mentioned. *She has made it known that he's not someone she can seriously consider in a relationship anymore because of his immaturity and lack of ability to take care of himself let alone a family*. She recently deleted him from her other facebook account. It's not anything she keeps a secret from anyone she just mainly uses it to write on and adds other people who write there as well.
> 
> ...


You don't need a relationship to bang someone. Especially an old lover, she already knows what he brings to the table.

Stop the cycle of madness. Ex lover at a party. See you later


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

- 6 years of dating
-2 kids from another man/men
-She broke up Twice with you and moved out 
-One of the reasons(probably both) is another man
-Tells you "if I was still capable of human emotions I would be so madly in love with you" (translation = Your the "safeguy" who looks good on paper for me to be with, but........blah blah blah I really want someone else.)

If her ex lover wasn't immature and lacked of ability to take care of himself let alone a family she would still be with him today. Because of the kids your the one she settles for. 

There's too many other woman out there but you want to settle for a bi polar mother of two, who cant make up her mind with a man she's been dating FOR SIX YEARS.

Move on man and DON'T GET HER PREGNANT. Your sitiation reminds me of my brothers ex girl friend. Only he was dumb enough to have a baby with that women and she's been dragging his a$$ down ever since. MOVE ON!!!!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you guys break up the last time because she had sex with the ex or was it something less ?


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

lokischild said:


> I originally posted this in general but was told I should post it here
> 
> Well first and foremost hello to all. It's certainly unpleasant to meet under these conditions.
> 
> ...


Sorry mate, she has severe psychological problems and you are a Nice Guy. Doesn't look good unfortunately. 

Please do your best to limit the damage to your step kids. That will mean you fixing your Nice Guyness and stepping up to the plate. Go check out NMMNG forum. It may help you. I hope it does. 

Take care and I wish you and that little family all the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Depression and bipolar are often related. 

Is she getting professional therapy and meds? It seems clear she needs them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

AlphaHalf said:


> -Tells you "if I was still capable of human emotions I would be so madly in love with you" (translation = Your the "safeguy" who looks good on paper for me to be with, but........blah blah blah I really want someone else.)
> 
> If her ex lover wasn't immature and lacked of ability to take care of himself let alone a family she would still be with him today. Because of the kids your the one she settles for.


Totally agree with the first part. That much is obvious here.

The second part, I also agree with, but technically, we are all like that to our partners (and vice versa). The vast majority of us have partners who have had LTR's before us, and they didn't work out, but they were obviously in love and serious about a relationship at one point.

Even though our spouses and us are a great match (hopefully!), we are all "plan B" in a roundabout way. If my ex wasn't 'blah blah blah', we'd still be together. If my wife's ex wasn't 'blah blah blah', they'd still be together.

A good example is the father of my wife's kid. They had him young, early 20's, and she immediately matured as a result. He didn't. He wasn't ready for that yet. She broke up with him not long before he was born, because he didn't shape up, so to speak, and she didn't want to raise a child with a pot-smoking, often unemployed, immature man.

However, apart from his inability to grow up when he needed to, she has had nothing but good things to say about him. He was a very sweet and thoughtful guy, for example. He always thought of her, did things for her, etc. I've never heard her say anything but bad things about her other exes. They never argued, apparently. The only reason, it appears, that they broke up was because she was concerned about raising a child with someone who wasn't prepared (or scared). She wasn't willing to give him any more time to shape up, so she booted him. Other than that, they (imo) likely would still be together from the sounds of it.

TBH, this feels very much like she's with OP because he's good with/for the kids, stable, nice, and she feels safe with him.

My wife and I got together when we were in our early 30's. As some of you know, we had dated back in high school for 3 years, each other's first. When we re-connected, I was going through my divorce, and she had come out of a LTR (with 2 kids).

I hate to say it, but I'm not sure we would have got together had we reconnected in our mid-20's, pre ex-wife and pre-kids. Those two things alone change how we view what we're looking for in a partner (as does age).

That's not to say we're settling, nor that OP's girl is settling for him - it just tends to change what each person is looking for in a partner, and sometimes things that ARE still important become secondary or tertiary concerns. On occasion, one partner will still have twinges of their old life and either seek that out, or allow it to make them unhappy in their relationship. I believe this to be the case here.

From my pov with my relationship, I am content that both my wife and I have "gotten it out of our system", so to speak.

I think OPs girl may have jumped the gun in terms of that. I don't feel that my wife "settled" for me, nor I for her, but I am uncertain as to whether or not we would have gotten together without her kids and my divorce and our general position in life when we reconnected, if that makes sense.

Timing is everything, and many of us wind up with partners we wouldn't have considered 5, 10, 20 years ago. Circumstances change, and therefore what you look for, or find attractive in a partner changes, too. Sometimes one or both try to straddle the line between "old life" and "new life", and it doesn't work that way.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

lokischild said:


> I She has made it known that he's not someone she can seriously consider in a relationship anymore because of his immaturity and lack of ability to take care of himself let alone a family.


Oh I see, he's a bad boy. Women hate bad boys.  Notice to that she says she can't seriously consider a relationship with him. Take a guess why she wants to go to the party my man.
Here's the thing Dawg. How a woman acts always, and if I'm not clear, always takes precedence over what she says.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I got great news!

You aren't married to her!! And she has already moved out!!

PRAY that she isn't pregnant. Is she on birth control? Did you use condoms? Demand a paternity test before you sign a thing if she is pregnant.

Change the locks, make sure you don't have any money in a joint bank account, if so take out your share. Cancel all joint credit cards, utilities. Do you own the house with her or do you guys rent?

Yeah, I feel bad for the kids too. Sounds like she just runs men in and out of their lives. Not fair to them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Obviously you can't fix her problems. She has to care enough to do the work and she may not. It's fortunate you aren't married to her or have children with her. Yes, her children will feel the fallout from the breakup but you can't fix that either. Let her go.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lokischild said:


> Tuesday I go with her to her doctor's appointment. We get back and she quits talking to me again.



possible speculation- she's pregnant with OM's child and it was confirmed at the doc's office
hope she didn't have sex with you to try to pin it on you


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

Thank you for all the replies.

I feel like I should add some clarification here. Not making excuses or defending by any means. I've done a poor job at giving details. She's not pregnant. She had a partial hysterectomy back in 2003. She hasn't slept with anyone else other than me since our reconciliation. I do know that for a fact. 

This other guy she hadn't talked to since she ended the sexual relationship. It wasn't until she found out he was going to a birthday party of a mutual friends that she talked to him. Obviously there is concern of them reconnecting. However, anyone she sleeps with it is someone she's pursuing a relationship with. If that makes any sense. 

It was mentioned holding onto an old life. She very much does that. She will get depressed remembering what she used to look like, all the attention she got when she could still belly dance, old relationships she remembers more fondly than they really were.

She's been slowly getting sicker over the past few years. In the past year she has had to quit her job and apply for disability. Her doctors haven't figured out what's wrong yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I got great news!
> 
> You aren't married to her!! And she has already moved out!!
> 
> ...


No joint bank account. I have been the only provider foe the last year. 

She moved out. I've already talked to my landlord about terminating my lease early. I move into a new place first of the month. Too many memories where I live now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I don't know why you'd want to put up with her vacillations any longer. I would suggest you move on with your life.

But whether you want to consider staying with her or not, the advice is the same.

End contact with her and "expect" that the relationship is over.

It's possible that once you stop contact, once she realizes that you aren't available as a plan B; she will finally understand what it's like to lose her partner and she may turn around. 

But even if she does, you really can't know if the change of heart would be permanent. So you should think long and hard about any future with her in the mean time.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

lokischild said:


> No joint bank account. I have been the only provider foe the last year.
> 
> She moved out. I've already talked to my landlord about terminating my lease early. I move into a new place first of the month. Too many memories where I live now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry you are in this situation. Good luck.


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

badmemory said:


> I don't know why you'd want to put up with her vacillations any longer. I would suggest you move on with your life.
> 
> But whether you want to consider staying with her or not, the advice is the same.
> 
> ...


That's actually what I'm attempting to do now. End contact. As mentioned I move at the end of the month and she still has a lot of stuff at my house. I've been trying to be nice and help her pack and load it up as she can but I'm putting a stop to that. Basically it's been me packing everything and her not helping. Towards the end of the month if she hasn't gotten everything I'm going to email her and tell her it goes to the curb.

This all hurts so bad. It's like physical pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lokischild said:


> I know she does get depressed a lot and that her mother is bi polar.


Loki, I agree with *Headspin* that it would be prudent to read about the warning signs for bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Bipolar is hereditary and thus could have been passed on to your exGF from her mother. Moreover, the age for first onset of bipolar symptoms ranges from 18 to 30, with the most common age being 25. 

Further, if she really is starting to exhibit strong bipolar-1 symptoms, she has a 33% chance of also having co-occurring BPD. I therefore suggest you take a look at my post describing the differences in behavior that are typical of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW). You will find it at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If most of the BPD red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Headspin in discussing them with you. Take care, Loki.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I know it is tough to do, but your life really will be better off without her and her BS in it. The best news is that you are not married to her. 

Pack it in and move on. She has no respect for you or your relationship.

Find someone who value you and the relationship you share. You will be much happier.
I feel for as she sounds like she needs help. However, she needs to seek a competent professional. You will not fix her.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Sadly, it is time for you to move on. At best you will always be her fall back or safety net.


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

Thanks all for the replies. I have so far not contacted her at all in a few days. Our mutual friend told me that she did not see the ex lover at the party. She did though hang out with a long time friend and is having a rough time because she felt that they connected but is struggling with the fact that just because you connect with a person one night doesn't mean that they are or are not attracted to you. I promptly asked our mutual friend to stop filling me in on details. I understand her intentions but I'm trying to not contact her. I haven't messaged her at all since Thursday. It's really hard to do. I've thought for a couple of years now that she needed some kind of help but she will never go for it. She seen a psychiatrist when she was a child but as was said IF she has either one of those disorders it doesn't kick in till later in years. She started having issues when she turned 30 and she's 34 now. 

As for me. I'm just trying to maintain my sanity and keep busy so I can try not to think about it too much. Fortunately,I have a lot of packing to do at the moment to preoccupy me. After I get moved and settled it's time to try to make some new friends. Maybe I'll start drowning myself in alcohol instead (jk) I don't drink.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I think you are right, the 180 will be your friend.

You are not married to her, and it will be tough on the kids.

You are not headed for happiness and a good relationship with her, unless she changes.

She will need to get some help, but she is trying now and she needs a wake up call. 

Be careful, because she may try to claim that you should still be supporting her and her kids.

Hope you find help in the NC and moving on with your life.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

AlphaHalf said:


> - 6 years of dating
> *-2 kids from another man/men
> -She broke up Twice with you and moved out
> -One of the reasons(probably both) is another man
> ...


This.

Not to undermind your story, but if you don't have kids and huge financial ties, you should have a shorter leash. Any of those items in red ALONE would be enough for me to peace out of a relationship.

then read MMSL. I love that suggestion. It's an easy read, a funny read, and can really help you.


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> I think you are right, the 180 will be your friend.
> 
> You are not married to her, and it will be tough on the kids.
> 
> ...


It's been pretty tough on both me and the kids. The youngest has been away to a prestigious band camp for the past couple of weeks and messaged me earlier when I was coming to see her. Why I didn't make it to her concert this past Friday. That really tore me up something fierce. It's the first time I've missed anything but had no idea it was going on. 

Thank you. Trying to not contact her is pretty hard to do. However, if the day comes she wants to contact me she is going to have to really work at it. My contract with my cell phone company just ended and I'm switching,however my current number is not portable. So new number. New place of residence.


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> This.
> 
> Not to undermind your story, but if you don't have kids and huge financial ties, you should have a shorter leash. Any of those items in red ALONE would be enough for me to peace out of a relationship.
> 
> then read MMSL. I love that suggestion. It's an easy read, a funny read, and can really help you.


No worries. I don't feel undermined at all. You may very well be right. I just don't feel like I should need a leash at all on my partner. I love her dearly but all this going on is driving me crazy. I can't stop thinking about it. 

Is it the Married Man's Sex Life Primer? That's what I picked up so hopefully it's the right one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> possible speculation- she's pregnant with OM's child and it was confirmed at the doc's office
> hope she didn't have sex with you to try to pin it on you


I had this thought as well...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lokischild said:


> She hasn't slept with anyone else other than me since our reconciliation. I do know that for a fact.
> 
> This other guy she hadn't talked to since she ended the sexual relationship. It wasn't until she found out he was going to a birthday party of a mutual friends that she talked to him.


If you're getting all of this from her, and are believing it, then you're already at a disadvantage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lokischild said:


> It's been pretty tough on both me and the kids. The youngest has been away to a prestigious band camp for the past couple of weeks and messaged me earlier when I was coming to see her. Why I didn't make it to her concert this past Friday. That really tore me up something fierce. It's the first time I've missed anything but had no idea it was going on.
> 
> Thank you. Trying to not contact her is pretty hard to do. However, if the day comes she wants to contact me she is going to have to really work at it. My contract with my cell phone company just ended and I'm switching,however my current number is not portable. So new number. New place of residence.


Good... don't give the new number to either her or the kids. The kids can reach out to you via e-mail.

By the way, you should fully expect that, at some point, your xSO is going to sort of "snap out of it", and will start doing anything and everything that she can to win you back... including using your feelings for her children to draw you back in.

DO. NOT. LET. THIS. HAPPEN.



lokischild said:


> Is it the Married Man's Sex Life Primer? That's what I picked up so hopefully it's the right one.


Yep, that's it.


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> If you're getting all of this from her, and are believing it, then you're already at a disadvantage.


Nah she didn't tell me any of it. Some of it was a mutual friend and some of it I found out using less than savory methods at the time period.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> By the way, you should fully expect that, at some point, your xSO is going to sort of "snap out of it", and will start doing anything and everything that she can to win you back... including using your feelings for her children to draw you back in.


Once she finally realizes that you, the take for granted back up plan is leaving for good, she might snap out of "her depression" and try to get you back? Are YOU going to be STRONG enough, and DIRECT enough to tell her in person NO? The reason I ask is because changing you cell number and moving to another address without telling her still leaves room for her to attempt contact. She knows where you work.


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## lokischild (Jul 18, 2014)

AlphaHalf said:


> Once she finally realizes that you, the take for granted back up plan is leaving for good, she might snap out of "her depression" and try to get you back? Are YOU going to be STRONG enough, and DIRECT enough to tell her in person NO? The reason I ask is because changing you cell number and moving to another address without telling her still leaves room for her to attempt contact. She knows where you work.


That's one thing that worries me. I'm not sure I can tell her no. I'm not worried as far as work goes for 2 reasons. One my job recently moved to a new building and the other is that she is severely ill and can't drive anymore.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

lokischild said:


> I'm not sure I can tell her no.


Keep re-reading your thread until you can.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Whatever type of contact she tries, you need to say to yourself when you are speaking to her "Stop acting like a b!tch, be a man and move on" repeat "Stop acting like a b!tch, be a man and move on" repeat.. repeat.. repeat. Don't walk on eggshells around her and don't worry about her contacting you. Whenever you hear from her just remember the phrase.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

lokischild said:


> That's one thing that worries me. I'm not sure I can tell her no. I'm not worried as far as work goes for 2 reasons. One my job recently moved to a new building and the other is that she is severely ill and can't drive anymore.


Lokischild,

Stated simply ... you need to "man up". That means forget about her and move on with your life. This woman was so obviously just using you as a financial way-station until she could hookup with Mr. Ex or someone she perceived as "better". Don't fall for this.

If she was truly "in to you", she would not be having these "doubts" and orbiting her ex, etc. You need to dump her like a bad habit ... quick and permanent.

Do what the others have been suggesting and read MMSLP. You need to work on your self-esteem ... because low self-esteem is the ONLY reason I can fathom as to why you would continue to subject yourself to this loser woman's antics.

Just my 2 cents. Good Luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lokischild said:


> Nah she didn't tell me any of it. Some of it was a mutual friend and some of it I found out using less than savory methods at the time period.


Less than savory?

The truth is the truth, no matter how you arrive at it.

Was her spreading her legs for another man savory? Quit feeling guilty.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lokischild said:


> That's one thing that worries me. I'm not sure I can tell her no. I'm not worried as far as work goes for 2 reasons. One my job recently moved to a new building and the other is that she is severely ill and can't drive anymore.


What is her illness?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lokischild said:


> As for me. I'm just trying to maintain my sanity and keep busy so I can try not to think about it too much. Fortunately,I have a lot of packing to do at the moment to preoccupy me. After I get moved and settled it's time to try to make some new friends. Maybe I'll start drowning myself in alcohol instead (jk) I don't drink.


Join a health club and start working out. Start taking care of yourself. Get into some healthy activities outside of work. You'll feel better and look better.


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