# Can we ever heal from this? PLEASE help me!!!



## inshock (Oct 27, 2010)

My husband and I got married 10 years ago. We were celebate until our wedding night (although we had both had previous partners)
As soon as we got married things fell apart. Our sex life was odd. There were a few times he wouldn't be able to reach orgasm and we had a very difficult discussion
We ended up in a huge fight. Our sex life never became normal after that.
Over the years we have had sex maybe once per month (it was good) and in the last 3 years I noticed it was me pursuing it. He told me that the economy and loss of his job caused him to have zero sex drive. We were on the brink of bankruptcy and he was severely depressed.
About 3 weeks ago, I found out that he had spent the first few years of our life too angry/disappointed with me as a wife that he had to fantasize about ex girlfriends or other women WHILE he was sleeping with me.
Then I found out that the last few years he has been using porn - quite a bit.
I also found out that he has been fantasizing about women he works with while he has masturbated in the shower.
I also found out that he hugged a girl at work because she was crying (she is not someone who he would ever had been attracted to - lots of issues and somewhat ugly) and suddenly felt an attraction to her which led him down the road of different kind of porn (she was Asian and the porn became Asian also)
As I found out more about everything, I found out that he was pretty much fantasizing about EVERYONE we interacted with. Friends, co-workers, check out girls, everyone! I can't breathe!
I also saw that he went to Craigslist personals, but he told me that he only went there because he thought there were going to be more erotic pictures there (granted his history only showed one night where he visited that site)
He is a Christian man and I'm in total shock. I cannot function at all and he is trying everything he can to make up for this.
He told me he was using porn as an escape (just as he used video games, etc.).
His history shows that the habit got worse over time.
He has quit completely since I discovered it. He has told me about everything he thinks and everything he does. He really wants to make it work.

I don't know what to think. I find myself not being able to breathe and completely falling apart over this!

Please, please help me.
He is generally a good man. Loves me, does everything for me.
But I don't know - can I ever get over this?
How do I even start??? I'm so desperate, please help!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Sounds like he has totally opened up to you & I'm sure the level of detail you heard is overwhelming and shocking.

I would first suggest not looking at each confession as a separate instance but rather a porn addiction that got out of control. Opening up to you and deleting it all is a HUGE step that he knew it had become a problem that was out of control and wants to change that about himself.

I don't think it's that rare or unusual for a man to view a woman in a sexual way and most men that do will keep these thoughts to themselves or among other men, leaving most women believing their man isn't one of 'those' men....I hope I haven't offended any male readers by my wording here & please chime in if I'm off-base.

Once a month is pretty infrequent for sex, and I would guess the porn and masturbating were taking the place of more frequent sex with you. One suggestion I would make is to look into Tantric sex (find a book, etc.) because it deals more with the connection of a couple where you look into each other's eyes, a lot of touch and connection where sex isn't necessarily the goal. This might help you in getting over the anxiety of him thinking of others while you are with him. I would also explore introducing some variety into your sex life. If he felt rejected in the beginning of your marriage, now would be the opportunity to spice things up and make him feel totally desired. I guess I am assuming you are having sex since this all came out into the open...is that correct?


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

WAKEUP-CALL ALERT!!!! MYTH BUSTING ABOUT TO HAPPEN!!! Find me one guy (Christian or otherwise)who doesn't fantasize about other women (especially the ones in his life) and I'll show you a liar!!! I would never, ever, cheat on my wife, but I've slept with every one of her friends in my dreams! I also look at computer porn and subscribe to Playboy (which she reads as well). Swedish's advise is right-on. Most men will keep their fantasies to themselves. A fantasy or dream is not cheating or being unfaithful. Acting on them is. Believing that there is any infidelity in fantasy would be like the need to arrest an author for murder for writing a murder mystery.

Perhaps you could ask him to show you what he looks at online. My wife asked and I showed her. It's all about open, honest intimacy. It has made our love-life better than ever.

If he is masterbating in the shower or too frequently, that would affect the frequency with you. Also, he should get a blood test to check his testosterone level. He may have a low level and would affect his libido.


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