# Do not make my mistake



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Everyone, LISTEN to the people on the board when they tell you to inform the workplace of any kind of EA or PA or inappropriate relationship going on. Because it makes it so much worse if they hear it from the OW/OM and they only include what they want!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What did the OW tell them?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I'm not even sure yet, but after 3 different attempts to bait him, she took another opportunity to bring a birthday card everyone was signing to his desk and he was pissed. He called her ext. and told her to not come to his desk, don't come near him, don't have anything to do with him, and hung up. She then started crying (really? why, if it was all not a big deal as she told me) and told one of her friends at work, who told another manager, who told my WH's boss) and lied and said that he used profanity. So now they are asking for all the documentation of what has taken place because they need a record for it and they need to involve HR. And I wouldn't put it past her to claim "harassment" even though I have solid concrete evidence she was explicitly engaging in it as well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry it's come to this but I can't say I'm surprised after reading some of your posts about her. Yes, there are any number of things I think she's capable of telling HR about this. None of which will place a penny's worth of blame to herself.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I'm not surprised either, I'm in the middle of telling my WH that I'm kicking myself for not sticking to my guns about him telling his boss, like I told him to do in the first place!!! 

Although, I feel like when I give them what I have, they'll see that she's full of sh!t.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe you will need to turn some or all of that evidence over to HR.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm in agreement with EleGirl, I'd probably provide anything you can for your H. HR likes to take the safest route, your husband likely will be easier to make look like scum than her. All kinds of imbalances when it comes to the workplace and unfortunately there is a lot of bias (in my experience) when it comes to stuff like this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I'm not surprised either, I'm in the middle of telling my WH that I'm kicking myself for not sticking to my guns about him telling his boss, like I told him to do in the first place!!!
> 
> Although, I feel like when I give them what I have, they'll see that she's full of sh!t.


Yes, it's a very good thing you have that. It will come in handy.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I totally agree. His direct boss has asked for the correspondence that I have, so I am getting it together to give to him. I already told my WH that he needs to understand that companies have to make business decisions about this kind of thing and she is a female and will cry, and just that fact alone will go against him. They always want to believe the female to avoid a lawsuit. Though his boss did say those words aren't being thrown around at this point (harassment, hostile work environment). And I do know that his direct boss wants to keep him, he is one of the top reps for the company and his boss likes him. But his boss isn't the final word on this, I'm sure.

This is just so annoying to have to keep reliving this drama!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I totally agree. His direct boss has asked for the correspondence that I have, so I am getting it together to give to him. I already told my WH that he needs to understand that companies have to make business decisions about this kind of thing and she is a female and will cry, and just that fact alone will go against him. They always want to believe the female to avoid a lawsuit. Though his boss did say those words aren't being thrown around at this point (harassment, hostile work environment). And I do know that his direct boss wants to keep him, he is one of the top reps for the company and his boss likes him. But his boss isn't the final word on this, I'm sure.
> 
> This is just so annoying to have to keep reliving this drama!


What will also be helpful is if others will speak up about their observations of her behavior because, yes, I do think HR tends to want to believe the female to avoid a lawsuit.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> What will also be helpful is if others will speak up about their observations of her behavior because, yes, I do think HR tends to want to believe the female to avoid a lawsuit.


I totally agree, and I had already written a letter to his boss telling him that one of the other employees (the one who got her the job there) had already expressed to me when he found out about this (he was supposedly one of my WH's good friends) had already made mention to me that she was a vixen, that he wasn't surprised because she did this a lot, that she just wants attention from guys, etc.. I don't see him completely lying and saying that he didn't say it. He's friends with both of them but I really don't see him saying I made it up when he knows it's true. Plus, she's like a "surface" friend to him but he genuinely cares about my WH and they call each other "brothers" so he better step up.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Wouldn't hurt to consult an atty experienced w employment issues. Does your wh belong to a professional organization? If so, they may have someone who can be an advocate. 

Your wh's direct report won't be able to do much if HR is investigating


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

An attorney is helpful,especially if the email you sent threatening to expose her to her husband if she didn't quit comes out.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

He doesn't belong to any professional organizations. The thought of this putting our family's finances at risk just make me seriously sick.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

BTW, it's kind of annoying that his boss doesn't really "get it." He doesn't get why WH finally blew up and told her off. He thinks my H is so stressed that he gave him a personal day off today, like he's afraid he's going to snap or something. WH tried to tell him, "I feel fine about it, it just needed to be said and next time she tries something, I'll just ignore it."His boss keeps saying, "well it was just a birthday card. You should have just ignored it." Okay, maybe.. But when someone is told to stop communicating with you and they continue to make remarks, then bring something to your desk that wasn't pertinent or necessary for work... I mean, come on. Can outsiders really not understand? Clearly if it wasn't about this dumb birthday card for one of their co-workers, she would have used something else as an excuse because she wasn't giving up. It's so frustrating when people who don't know the back story act that way. No contact means no contact!!!

For those who don't know, a week after D-day and after she was told no contact and agreed, she and WH walked past each other in the hall. He looked the other way and she said as they passed, "you don't have to worry, I'm not going to talk to you." (This was the only instance where his boss really seemed to understand she had done something)

A few weeks later, after staring at him several times and trying to insert herself into his conversations, he made a really big sale. She stood up at her cube and yelled over to him, "good job, [H's name]!". Again, he ignored it.

Then this week, they were all signing a birthday card for a co-worker. She was standing at another girl's desk and the other girl (completely innocent and a sweet girl) asked H if he had signed the card yet. H was on the phone and ignored it because he tries to ignore every conversation she is a part of. So he acted like he didn't hear because he was on the phone. Well, OW saw this as an opportunity and even though she wasn't even the one who asked him about it and it really wasn't her concern, she took the birthday card and brought it over to H's desk, set it down and walked away.

Are we crazy? She is clearly looking for opportunities to interact with him that aren't necessary for business! Why can't his boss understand that it's his right to ask a coworker to leave him alone unless it is pertinent to the company??


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Because she's trying to set him up,with the continued fishing. she has a plan make no mistake about that.(Hell has no fury like a woman scorned).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> So now they are asking for all the documentation of what has taken place because they need a record for it and they need to involve HR. And I wouldn't put it past her to claim "harassment" even though I have solid concrete evidence she was explicitly engaging in it as well.


Hopefully your husband has learned the lesson here and gets a new job soon (or she does). 



distraughtfromtexas said:


> BTW, it's kind of annoying that his boss doesn't really "get it." He doesn't get why WH finally blew up and told her off.
> 
> His boss keeps saying, "well it was just a birthday card. You should have just ignored it." Okay, maybe.. But when someone is told to stop communicating with you and they continue to make remarks, then bring something to your desk that wasn't pertinent or necessary for work... I mean, come on. Can outsiders really not understand? Clearly if it wasn't about this dumb birthday card for one of their co-workers, she would have used something else as an excuse because she wasn't giving up. It's so frustrating when people who don't know the back story act that way. No contact means no contact!!!
> 
> Are we crazy? She is clearly looking for opportunities to interact with him that aren't necessary for business! *Why can't his boss understand that it's his right to ask a coworker to leave him alone unless it is pertinent to the company??*


As much as this sucks, from a managerial point of view, the employees need to be professional at work. It is a business. And at a business, you treat everyone cordially and you don't tell someone to leave you alone. It doesn't work that way. 

HR is going to see your husband as a problem if he can't get along with other employees, especially if someone is saying he has made her cry/has been rude to her/told him to leave him alone and goes off on her about signing a simple birthday card.

I know, I know, not what you want to hear, but from a business point of view, that is what it looks like: like your husband isn't being a team player. Everyone wants to have employees that will get along and treat eachother kindly, and not become a nuissance/hostile to fellow co-workers in the office. 

And this OW... I haven't read any of your other posts, but based on what you are saying, she sounds like she could be a bunny boiler. I would be VERY careful if I were your husband. She is baiting him. And she is doing a damn good job of it. 

Look, HR is already involved. No good. 

How long did they have an affair? Emotional? Physical? How did you find out? Did he tell you? Did you catch him? When did the affair end?

The fact is, he works with her so he will have to see her everytime he goes to work.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Because she's trying to set him up,with the continued fishing. she has a plan make no mistake about that.(Hell has no fury like a woman scorned).


Agreed. She has a purpose and so far, it is working. Scary.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just catching up with your threads but do you actually know how his previous marriage ended ? Was there infidelity the last time too ?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I think your husband might have fished initially. I just can't see why shes so persistent otherwise unless she KNOWS theres still something there.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Kasler said:


> I think your husband might have fished initially. I just can't see why shes so persistent otherwise unless she KNOWS theres still something there.


You don't need a reason, really. Love can be irrational anyway, so adding the complications and emotions that come out of an affair with a co-worker that you continue to see every day doesn't make things any simpler. She's being spurned by a guy she thought loved her, which might not be computing very well in her head. It's possible he fished, but it's also possible she's a little crazy, can't let him go, feels she needs him, or any number of other things.

Good luck. Not that you should bend over backwards to help your husband after he betrayed you, but I hope the truth prevails.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Just catching up with your threads but do you actually know how his previous marriage ended ? Was there infidelity the last time too ?


No, his wife left him, but soon after she moved out he started dating me. I had thought she moved out before she did, I found out way later.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Hopefully your husband has learned the lesson here and gets a new job soon (or she does).
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It was only 2-3 months and it was solely an EA. I caught him and it ended about a month ago. Had I not caught him soon after I did, it would have been a PA as well.

I totally understand what you mean from a managerial point of view, but at the same time, not everyone is friends with each other at work. Not everyone says hi or "good job!" or anything else. Some people just don't interact with each other at all... To me that's not hostile, it's just not being friends. And I have to say that if it had been a female who had told a male coworker a month ago to leave them alone, and the male continued to seek out interaction, I would bet the farm that everyone would be looking at this much differently. So would they tell a female she should just suck it up if the male continues to seek her out?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Just catching up with your threads but do you actually know how his previous marriage ended ? Was there infidelity the last time too ?


From Distraught's original thread: 



distraughtfromtexas said:


> But apparently he's been in an EA with this girl for a few months, new girl at work, who is also married. Claims there's not been anything physical, but if that's true its only because there's not been an opportunity I'm sure. Unfortunately, we also met at work. He was married but she had just moved out. We worked together and flirted on IM, then that led to the relationship. *This is happening the same way ours did. * I read their IMs, they're so similar to what ours used to be. Trying to find common interests, going out of his way to do things for her, bringing her back drinks, giving her candy, teasing her, etc. But what's really troubling is the way he refers to me. The chain. He speaks ill of me and complains about going on vacation with me in a few weeks. She calls him a nickname with "my" in front of it, for example, "awe my DJ!" He also has a pet name for me that he called her. He claims it was for the attention and he's going through an identity crisis but then he says he liked her and had feelings for her. How convenient as soon as I busted him, his feelings disappear?





distraughtfromtexas said:


> No, his wife left him, but soon after she moved out he started dating me. I had thought she moved out before she did, I found out way later.


Question, how long were you guys carrying on while he was married (and wife moved out?) 

Because it looks like this guy has a pattern. 

The fact that he was willing to put his promotion on the line and get involved with another lady (after you) at work while married does not bode well.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> From Distraught's original thread:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A few months. From March until May. Then he filed for D. It is a definite pattern, I told him that. Except I was still at home reaching out to him every day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> It was only 2-3 months and it was solely an EA. I caught him and it ended about a month ago. Had I not caught him soon after I did, it would have been a PA as well.


And this is the part that sucks. What if you never found out? Would he still be having an EA? You said yourself his feelings seemingly disappeared quick as hell only after you caught him out. And you said he was slagging you to is this co-worker/OW. Did he slag his wife to you, too? If so, pattern. 

I think you were right to tell her husband. Absolutely. 

You mentioned your husband's best friend got her the job? Does your husband run in the same circles as her?



distraughtfromtexas said:


> I totally understand what you mean from a managerial point of view, but at the same time, not everyone is friends with each other at work. Not everyone says hi or "good job!" or anything else. Some people just don't interact with each other at all... To me that's not hostile, it's just not being friends. And I have to say that if it had been a female who had told a male coworker a month ago to leave them alone, and the male continued to seek out interaction, I would bet the farm that everyone would be looking at this much differently. So would they tell a female she should just suck it up if the male continues to seek her out?


The issue is, that he is at work. Sure, some co-workers don't talk much at work but it is absolutely offside to tell one of your co-workers to "leave you alone" and that you don't want "contact" with them. It goes against working together as a team in a work environment. Do you see that? If someone tells their co-worker to "leave them alone" at work and is hostile/rude about it, it would make for a very uncomfortable working environment that effects not only the parties involved, but the entire team at work. A lot of people may go to HR to report that this person has made it hard to work together because of their behavior toward them and is making it difficult to have a comfortable environment.

Look at it from a supervisor's point of view: The fact that your husband just got a promotion and they are now hearing from a co-worker that he is telling people to leave them alone and saying he wants no contact with someone at work does NOT look good on your husband.

I am just trying to get you to see the POV from a business standpoint.

It really sucks that your husband chose to do this, especially, of all places, at work.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> A few months. From March until May. Then he filed for D. It is a definite pattern, I told him that. Except I was still at home reaching out to him every day.


Yeah that is what I was afraid of. That means he cheated on his first wife with you (his co-worker). And now he is cheating on you with another co-worker.

He sounds like a serial cheater with a penchant for romanticizing the females at work. 

I am sorry.

Put your foot down. Hard.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You've had a number of threads, so it's a bit hard to follow. IIRC, you emailed her threatening exposure if she didn't stop communicating with your husband and quit her job, right?

If that's the case, you definitely need to get an attorney to represent your husband.

From an HR view, your husband is in a higher position than she is more likely to receive disciplinary action. If this seems like it may escalate in to a court action, it's cheaper to let him go.

And yes, 'not talking' to a coworker can be deemed as hostile if they work in the same area, etc. A hostile work environment is where one or more people don't feel comfortable with each other.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> From an HR view, your husband is in a higher position than she is more likely to receive disciplinary action.
> 
> And yes, 'not talking' to a coworker can be deemed as hostile if they work in the same area, etc. A hostile work environment is where one or more people don't feel comfortable with each other.


Exactly :iagree:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think your H does have a pattern. This time, though, he picked a different type of woman. He picked someone who is a power flirt, a woman who likes to control the men around her with her flirtatious, over-the-line behavior.

From the things you've said on other threads, she seems to be the type who will not slink away - she needs to have the last word, which is why she won't let it rest. This isn't because she's in love with him or even interested in him really.

But you have to pay attention to what your H is feeling about her. While she was doing her normal 'keep every guy dancing on her string' act, he was falling for it. He's the one who is more invested, in my opinion.

I also think that there are plenty of people in large offices who don't like one another and don't interact at all. He can manage the office interaction. The question is whether he can manage his feelings about her if she is there every day. I would have questions about that.

I think he should stay short and sweet with his descriptions to HR and his boss - 'My office interactions with OW began to cross boundaries that were unprofessional and I have attempted to maintain a professional demeanor. She will not respect that.'


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> You've had a number of threads, so it's a bit hard to follow. IIRC, you emailed her threatening exposure if she didn't stop communicating with your husband and quit her job, right?
> 
> If that's the case, you definitely need to get an attorney to represent your husband.
> 
> ...


No I didn't do that. I wanted to, but ended up just telling her husband anyway and didn't threaten anything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

By the way, Distraught, I love the hair color in your avatar.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> By the way, Distraught, I love the hair color in your avatar.


Why thank ya!


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## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Not all workplaces care. My wh husbands wkplace knew and hid it from me. We all worked at same place. I was told deal w it. They did it on work time as well. Lots of hanky panky going on and its the culture and no one cares and it makes the bs look like a bld. Just had to hold my head high and kearn to appear not to care.


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