# Separated 2nd Time - Should I Give Up?



## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

My wife and I were together for 11 yrs and married for almost 9 yrs. We are both in our 30s and we have a 5 yr old son together.

My wife left me in February 2011 after arguing over issues of her financial irresponsibility and her interfering mother. She then moved in with her mom. She came back in late March 2011 after I basically begged her. Her mother was mad at her for moving back in with me.

During the first week we got back together, my wife admitted to abusing percocets. Her mom got her hooked and was selling them to her. That's where the money was going and why bills were being thrown out. She also admitted that her mom pressured her to get a lawyer and divorce me.

We did counseling. The counselor warned my wife that her relationship with her mom was toxic and affecting her marriage to me and that it would affect our son. My wife seemed to agree and supposedly cut ties with her mom. Her mom called her constantly trying to manipulate her with anger, threatened suicide, etc. Eventually we stopped going to counseling b/c we never hired a babysitter and her family wasn't available to do it either.

In April 2011, my wife had a new job as a site manager at a machine shop where it's mostly men. At some time during the summer, a 45 yr old guy (OM) that worked there asked a friend of mine (who also worked there) why I made my wife drive the crappier of our two cars. This should have been a red flag, but I ignored it.

Then in the winter of 2011, I was coaching wrestling for the local high school (and was getting paid for it). So my wife said she wanted to join her work pool league. I started noticing that she would put on perfume that I bought her for Christmas before she went to pool league.

One night after I was done with a wrestling meet, I decided to spy on her during pool league night. Most of the guys were old, biker looking guys, but (OM) was there too. I didn't see anything going on and then she noticed me there. She never got mad about it.

On Christmas, her mother came over to see our son. My wife turned her away. I gave in and told her to come in b/c it IS our son's grandmother. Her mother fed us a line of bullcrap by saying she's sorry for everything, etc. My wife and her mother went back to their old ways. Calling each other every day, visiting and hanging out.

In late March 2012, my wife and I had a series of arguments over what happened during the first separation and also the same issues that we had before. However, she was still intimate with me, said she loved me, and even bought tickets to see a concert in September.

Then on April 6th we were getting ready to visit my parents in upstate NY. I was stressed b/c we didn't have hardly any money. Then we had "the talk." I forget how it started, but she said she needed time to think b/c she doesn't want to argue the rest of our lives. So I was upset and told her to get her own apt. She said "where am I going to go?" I told her I was taking our son up to my parents and that she needed to find a place. I was upset b/c she was leaving me again.

On the way back from my parents, I found out that her mother called my mother blaming me for the problems in the marriage. When I got home, my wife and I talked and now she wanted a divorce. She stayed in the house until April 28th. During that time, I didn't come home until it was time for bed. I slept upstairs and she on the couch. She would ask me if I was mad at her. I told her I was giving her the space she wanted. I asked her why she wanted a divorce. She said that: (1) I was miserable and negative all the time; (2) that she felt she always had to rush home even if she was visiting relatives; and (3) that I wasn't motivated with my career. But she also told my mother that we do the same things all the time (boredom I guess).

I brought home the divorce papers and told her we should get started filling them out. She backed off and started making excuses like "I don't have the money," or "you won't have health insurance." Then she finally said "why can't we just be separated? Are you going to get married in the next year?"

She moved into her own apt April 28th. We started sharing custody of our son. Then I found phone calls on the cell phone bill to the guy from her work (OM) for 10-20 minutes a time. All but one call was after we had "the talk." I confronted her and she said it was just talk. They weren't intimate.

Since then I have gotten into good physical shape and got two interviews for the same position in my career. She has complimented me on how good I look and kept asking how my job interviews went. The thing with (OM) either never existed or seems over b/c she is mostly with her mother or other relatives all the time even when she doesn't have our son.

It's been nearly 3 months since "the talk" and just over 2 months since she moved out. She doesn't mention divorce. I don't call or text her. She mostly calls or texts about our son, but sometimes she'll call or text about something stupid and when I try to wrap up the call, she'll ask me how my day at work was or how my mom is doing. Other than that she shows no emotion toward me. What should I do? Wait it out? How long do I wait? Or should I give up?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

TruGentleman75 said:


> It's been nearly 3 months since "the talk" and just over 2 months since she moved out. She doesn't mention divorce. I don't call or text her. She mostly calls or texts about our son, but sometimes she'll call or text about something stupid and when I try to wrap up the call, she'll ask me how my day at work was or how my mom is doing. Other than that she shows no emotion toward me. What should I do? Wait it out? How long do I wait? Or should I give up?


She's fishing to get you back. Most likely it didn't work out between her and the OM.

At the least they had EA and more possibly PA after she moved out. If you can confirm PA, will you still give her another chance or is that a deal breaker for you?


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Keko - I'm not sure how I would feel about it until I hear it I guess. That's assuming she would tell me the truth. That was another issue I have with her. She lies and plays on words.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I wouldn't bet on a 'cheater' telling the truth, ever. You could try getting into her social network accounts or emails?


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Any other input from TAM members would be greatly appreciated. Just want to hear your opinions. Thanks.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Are you sending her any money?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are interested in saving your marriage, a good place to start is to read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

After that look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Start with "His Needs, Her Needs", then "Love Busters". If the two of you start getting back together have her read the ones in my signature block below and work through them together. 

She's probaby get upset about the "Surviving an Affair", , so don't even mention that one to her unless she acknowledges having an afffair.

I would also suggest that you start dating your wife again. Start by just asking her out for coffee, something very simple.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

I'm confused as to which approach I should take. Either "give her space and make her miss me" or "try to start dating my wife." I don't want to seem desperate to her and I'm afraid that if I ask her out even for coffee, it will look that way.

Right now she thinks I don't want to talk to her b/c when she calls me about our son, I am pleasant, but brief. Same goes with when I drop off my son at her apt.

Also, how do I ask her out for coffee or whatnot when one of us is always supposed to be spending time with our son? The only time I can think of would be on her lunch break while my son is at daycare. Thoughts?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Are you sending her money/paying her to leave you?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

TruGentleman75 said:


> It's been nearly 3 months since "the talk" and just over 2 months since she moved out. She doesn't mention divorce. I don't call or text her. She mostly calls or texts about our son, but sometimes she'll call or text about something stupid and when I try to wrap up the call, she'll ask me how my day at work was or how my mom is doing. Other than that she shows no emotion toward me. What should I do? Wait it out? How long do I wait? Or should I give up?


You are in a tough position, do you fight for the marriage or end it all? Here is the rub, when a woman says she "needs space" or "to think", it generally means she is done but doesn't want to tell you directly. She does not want to look bad and admit she ended the marriage. Your chance of reconciliation is decreasing with every day she is gone.

I know that you are full of emotions and don't want to deal with the unknown of being single. I've been there and done that. As much as it hurts, I recommend you start detaching yourself emotionally from your wife. Continue to go to the gym, get that promotion/new job, and be a great Dad to your son. It is hard to get over a relationship that has lasted a third of your lifetime, so don't expect miracles overnight.

I recommend you see an attorney and discuss your options. Determine what you would want out of a divorce and develop a plan to get what you want.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> Are you sending her money/paying her to leave you?


No, I'm not sending her money.

Here's an update. Last Wednesday when I dropped my son off at her apt, I asked if she wanted to take him to Friendly's (restaurant) for dinner b/c it was kid's night (they eat free). Without hesitation she said "sure." She wanted to get changed to go and asked me inside. Then she asked me if I would give her my opinion on 2 dresses that she bought. She tried them both on and I told her I liked both but preferred one over the other. We went to dinner with our son. No relationship talk--only small talk, talk about work, and some funny stuff that our son did/said recently. It went well. Then in the car as I was dropping them both off at her apt, she said she's playing in softball games for her work and that I was welcome to go watch her. Overall a positive vibe, but should I put any stock into this behavior? Also, she makes it a point to let me know where she went or who she was with (which is always with her brothers or their girlfriends). I still don't call or text b/c I don't want to pressure. Thoughts?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i feel like (IMO) when men say they want space, they want space. when a woman asks for space, it means they want you to "realize" you might loose them and they want you to pursue them. kinda like when you say, "what's wrong?" and woman says "nothing". it doesn't really mean nothing. i feel like at this point your relationship could go either way, it really depends on what you want.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Ok, I really need help from all of you. Since my last post, I found out that my wife is still seeing the OM from her work. She took him and my son on a camping trip and all 3 slept in the same tent. My 5 yr old son knows his name, but calls him "mommy's friend." I confronted her about this and she said it was a two-room huge tent and that she and my son slept in one room while OM slept on the opposite side in the other room. I have asked her what does this guy have that I don't. She's not able to answer the question. She said "I'm not in love with him" and that "it's not serious." I stopped asking questions after that. She took a trip to Maine this weekend with OM. She says they've been together for 6 weeks.

However, she has also told me she could get free Red Sox tickets from her work and asked me if I'd like to go with her and my son.

Also, I had texted her a few days before this to ask her when we could switch the cell phone plan to one of my own. She freaked. Started calling me and texting me like crazy. Here's the dialogue:
*
Me*: Can we get the cellphone switched over this week? Thanks.

*Her*: Can u call my work phone when u have a sec

*Her*: I don't have a problem with that at all but is something wrong?

*Me*: Ok thanks.

*Her*: We have to pay the whole balance

*Her*: Can u please call me.

*Me*: Sorry I'm in court. I can call you later. Thanks.

*Her*: Is everything ok?

*Me*: Yeah.

*Her*: Ok it just seems out of nowhere. I don't at all mind. I hope u would tell me if I upset you this weekend. I was not meaning to be rude

*Me*: No it's ok.

*Her*: Well I hope you would tell me if something was wrong. Are we still gonna go out for (my son's name) bday wed


So What is going on here? Seems like she's in the fog with her new relationship but doesn't want to let me go either. I was thinking of filing for divorce. I can't take the purgatory anymore. If we divorce, I'll still be civil with her, but no more. That way I can move forward with my life and not have to worry about how long she and OM will last or whatever. Then, nothing says that we can't reconcile some time in the future. I definitely would never marry her again though.

Please give me your opinions on this situation. I need all the help I can get right now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Umm, your wife is regularly sleeping with another man, even taking your son to him and you're still on the fence whether to divorce her? Dude, man up and divorce her a$$.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your the fall back guy, just incase your chick and OM don't work out you will always be around for her.

Its really no big deal if you don't mind sharing your wife, but at this point whats it matter she has her own place and can act like she is no longer married. But when the time comes she will have you for what ever she needs.

She just keeps giving you a little piece at a time. She is very careful to not completely push you away, so the dates and the small keep coming.

I personaly think she is cake eating, she has it made, you aren't going any were and what little scraps you get from her you take. She has the best of both worlds.

I suggest you let this one go so you can find a women that will make you a prioity. Someone that will not emotionally toture you. A women that wants to be with you and only you....Let me tell you it feels great, you should try it. I know it sucks to be second choice, but poeple will get away with what ever they can, its up to you to tolorate it or not.

You can't control her, there is no competing with the new relationship, but you can control what you will tolorate and let her go.

Get it?

There is no hope as long as the new OM is in picture, hence the reason to move on, go dark, show her the indifference that will protect you from more pain.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Well, in a moment of emotion, I un-friended my wife from facebook. I'm sure she'll notice but what should I tell her when she asks? Should I even care?

Also, I was gonna mail the divorce papers to her today and try to arrange it so that I don't have to see her when it's time to drop off my son. Basically, no contact or the 180 I guess. Any advice?

I have decided that even without the problem of the OM right now, there is nothing to go back to even if she wanted me back. She would still have the lying issue which I can't deal with anymore. I can't trust her. Obviously she doesn't think she needs IC for any of her issues. So time for me to move on.

The one thing I do know is that down the road, I WILL be the happier of the two of us, whether I'm in another relationship or not.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm going through similar only no OW yet that I've found out. I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to hopefully get legal separation, and then I'm going to tell husband that oldest child can drive himself and youngest child for visits. They can bring husband anything he needs from house until he's able to move rest of stuff out. I need no contact in order to restore my sanity. I will be having a relatively good day and then he'll stop by with kids (always has to come in the house for something too) and/or contact me via text or email and then I'm a mess all over again. I can't take the rollercoaster anymore. He also doesn't want MC or IC so nothing more I can do except let go and move on, even though it's killing me.

I really don't have any advice for you because I'm still seeking it myself, but I wanted to let you know I know how you feel and I do also believe that down the road, we will end up on the happier side of things. It's just getting through the pain to get to that point! Good luck!


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Wish I had some magic words of wisdom to tell you... I know the feeling and go back and fourth in my head myself. I may be wrong, but it seems so much easier for women to move on honestly.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

I think I've read just about every article on this subject on the internet. I'm exhausted. All I do is read. And for what? All my effort won't mean anything if she doesn't want it. She is in the midst of a new relationship with all of the rush of excitement, so it's no contest right now. But we all know what will happen as time goes by. The newness, excitement and novelty will wear off and she'll be struck with the reality of who this guy really is. It doesn't occur to her right now that this guy was pursuing a married woman and that anyone who does that has some serious character flaws? He's also got a son and an ex-wife. There's a reason it didn't work out with his ex.

For those of you who would like to read a couple of good articles about this situation, here you go:

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife Letter #1


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I wish, Santa. I'm a woman and it is not easy at all for me. I think it's just easier for the walk-away, regardless of gender. They've already made up their minds and detached, some even while still in the marriage and acting like things are normal, as mine had been. I think it's harder for the one blindsided and left dealing with the aftermath, trying to wrap their brain around everything while the other has just seemingly tossed us aside with ease. Even when my STBX tells me it's not easy for him, his actions speak otherwise. 

Now I hear mine was out crying last week, which must have been right after he left, saying he wanted to come home. I heard this from a family member of his. I think this is when he first left and didn't have anywhere to go, though. I don't think he was missing me, just missing having a place to go to period and/or missing kids. That hurt to hear, though, and makes me even more confused. I wish people wouldn't even tell me this stuff! Those are the things that make it hard to move on, especially when he chose to leave and then was crying about it? Makes no sense.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

I guess I might as well post my library of articles that I've been reading for the benefit of anyone who is interested. So here you go:

Can I Really Get My Wife Back If She's Dating Someone Else?

Your Wife Left You For Another Man? 3 Tips To Help Stop Your Divorce

How to Win a Wife Back When She Has Fallen in Love With Another Man

How To Get My Wife Back From Another Man! Learn What You Can Do to Easily Make Her Want You

Get My Wife Back - Winning Your Wife Back When She's Dating Another Guy FAQ

Getting Your Wife Back When She is With Another Man

Is it Possible to Get My Wife Back From Another Man? Here is the Advice You Should Follow Right Now

Get Wife Back From Boyfriend? How to Win Your Wife Back From Another Man


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tru,

Are you questioning whether it's worth it?


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Tru,
> 
> Are you questioning whether it's worth it?


Not anymore. If she had sought IC and showed me some change, I would consider reconciling. But instead, she ran off with the OM. Plus she has issues with other stuff too.

Now I'm not totally innocent in this whole thing, so let me explain.

After much reflection, I think that part of my contribution to the breakdown of our marriage was my absence and neglect of the relationship. I had a lot of hobbies (coaching, playing in a band with her brother, guitar lessons) so I was not home on the weekends much.

Also, I was not as affectionate as I could have been. I told her I loved her, but I didn't show it as much as I should have (hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc.) It got to a point where she was going to bed early and I would fall asleep on the couch trying to stay up watching TV. I know this bothered her b/c she mentioned it to my mother. She also mentioned to my mother that we "did the same things every night." So boredom had set in.

Also, we never had the opportunity for "date nights" b/c we didn't have a babysitter and her family was not overly anxious to watch our son overnight even though he is one of the best behaved kids I've seen (many other people have said same too).

However, she never came to me and expressed her feelings about any problems in the marriage. Her excuse was always, "I can't talk to you." It seemed like when we had an issue, I did all the talking and she just sat there. Also, over the last few years, she either became a different person or I was just discovering her faults.

Lying and/or Omissions
Unhealthy Mother Issues
Financial Irresponsibility
No Goals - Short or Long Term

Now I know I'm not perfect, but I never even thought of cheating on her, never hit her, I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict and I don't gamble.

But I know I can move on. Our son is the one who will suffer the most. He is already saying that he'd rather live with me b/c he has told me that his mom doesn't play with him much b/c she is constantly texting on her phone. I bet I know to whom.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you sought IC?


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Have you sought IC?


I have contacted a place, but I haven't had the time to go yet. As I stated in one of my earlier posts, my wife had an issue with me being "underemployed." So I have been hard at work getting interviews. It paid off b/c I have been accepted in a new job with better pay and benefits. I have gotten into good shape. I have researched the internet and practiced some self-help stuff about being a more positive and patient person. I have offered to help her out at her apt even though she is with the OM. I'm not sure what else I could do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> I have contacted a place, but I haven't had the time to go yet. As I stated in one of my earlier posts, my wife had an issue with me being "underemployed." So I have been hard at work getting interviews. It paid off b/c I have been accepted in a new job with better pay and benefits. I have gotten into good shape. I have researched the internet and practiced some self-help stuff about being a more positive and patient person. I have offered to help her out at her apt even though she is with the OM. I'm not sure what else I could do.


Stop doing that last part.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I have offered to help her out at her apt even though she is with the OM.


Don't.

Instead of reading articles on how to get your wife back, read the following book (it's short). It will save you from lots of miserable years:

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Stop doing that last part.


Well, at this point, I think it's time to file for divorce. It's obvious she doesn't think or care that she has contributed to the breakdown of our marriage also. She hasn't sought IC. She ran off with the OM co-worker. It's been since April. Time to throw in the towel, right?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> Well, at this point, I think it's time to file for divorce. It's obvious she doesn't think or care that she has contributed to the breakdown of our marriage also. She hasn't sought IC. She ran off with the OM co-worker. It's been since April. Time to throw in the towel, right?


First, it's time to quit being nice to her.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> First, it's time to quit being nice to her.


Ok, but how? And for how long? You mean be cold to her, or just upbeat and positive but indifferent to her? And how long should I do this? What kind of effect should this have?

You know, I'd rather reconnect and get my family back, but I feel there's no hope and that I must make the decision to divorce and move on.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> just upbeat and positive but indifferent to her? And how long should I do this?


I believe you'll start to notice changes from her almost immediately.

First and foremost, quit paying her to leave you.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Ok. So what about the Facebook thing? What do I tell her about that? That I want my privacy?

And when you say "paying her to leave you" are you talking about actual money or acts of service or both?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> Ok. So what about the Facebook thing? What do I tell her about that? That I want my privacy?
> 
> And when you say "paying her to leave you" are you talking about actual money or acts of service or both?


>>I have offered to help her out at her apt even though she is with the OM.<<

What does the above sentence mean?


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> >>I have offered to help her out at her apt even though she is with the OM.<<
> 
> What does the above sentence mean?


I suppose it means that I'm a doormat, a sucker, a pushover, etc. and that she knows I'm right there waiting for her, right?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> I suppose it means that I'm a doormat, a sucker, a pushover, etc. and that she knows I'm right there waiting for her, right?


Does it mean you are giving her money?

And, yes, it does give her a psychological "thank you" for the bad treatment she's sent your way.

When you thank someone for something, you can expect more of it.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Does it mean you are giving her money?
> 
> And, yes, it does give her a psychological "thank you" for the bad treatment she's sent your way.
> 
> When you thank someone for something, you can expect more of it.


I haven't been giving her any money. What I HAVE been doing is offering to give her some small amounts of groceries to make my son's lunches if she doesn't have any; washed her dishes one time (and she got mad at me b/c she said she was embarrassed by the messiness of her apt) and helped her take out her garbage once. That's it. No money. She's on her own with that.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Well, I mailed the divorce papers to her today. She'll probably drag her feet on this and make excuses, or she'll sign them and not give a sh*t. We'll see I guess. She should get them tomorrow. I'll post an update. I could still use all the support I can get. Thank you everyone.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> Well, I mailed the divorce papers to her today. She'll probably drag her feet on this and make excuses, or she'll sign them and not give a sh*t. We'll see I guess. She should get them tomorrow. I'll post an update. I could still use all the support I can get. Thank you everyone.


Do not call or contact her.

Talk to us.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Do not call or contact her.
> 
> Talk to us.


Well I need to text her and tell her to pick up my son tomorrow after work so that I don't have to see her. My son is with me Sunday night, Mon, Tues, Wed morning. I drop him off to her on Wed night. He is with her Wed night, Thurs, Fri and Sat morning until 10 am unless it's her weekend. So from now on, she can pick him up on Weds after work. Then she can drop him off at her mom's or dad's on Sat morning (if my weekend) or Sun night (if her weekend) so that I can pick him up. That'll avoid any direct contact. Thoughts?


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

BTW, thank you Conrad. You seem to be the only one providing me any advice on this lately, so I appreciate it.

Have you gone through this or something similar before? If so, how did it work out?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> BTW, thank you Conrad. You seem to be the only one providing me any advice on this lately, so I appreciate it.
> 
> Have you gone through this or something similar before? If so, how did it work out?


We're working on it right now.

There have been months at a time where we did not speak.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Well, yesterday was day # 1 in the no contact "bunker." I did well. She called in the morning and I let my son answer the phone. She asked for me, but my son told her I was downstairs. Then she called around dinner time, asked for me, and I told my son to tell her I will call her back b/c I was making dinner. I never called back and she called 2 more times last night.

She just called about 5 minutes ago. Didn't answer. She'll get the divorce papers in the mail tonight when she gets home from work. I need to pop my head out of the bunker only to text her to pick up my son after work b/c I have a "meeting." Yes it's a lie, but I don't want to see her.

BTW, I am doing no contact for me to help the healing process. I could never take her back the way she is right now with all of her lying/secretive issues, especially after having an affair with her co-worker! She would have to do some SERIOUS IC, show me some improvements, and be EXTREMELY remorseful about what she's done. But that won't ever happen.

She'll probably start getting pissed off at me for not talking to her, but since I don't care to get back together unless she does all the stuff I mentioned above (and that won't happen), what does it matter?

Today is day # 2 in the no contact bunker and I'm hoping to stick it out for the long haul. This will be difficult.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Just wanted to say good luck and stay strong.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Ok, here's the text dialogue from today:

*Her:* Good morning. I guess I will just text you. Can you please pay $100 on the cellphone like we talked about last week. I paid on it last week. Also can u please let me know when u and (son's name) are going to new york.

*Me:* Ok. Can u pick (son's name) up at the Y tonight? I have a meeting. Thank you.

After several phone calls from her in a row . . .

*Her:* Is there some reason you can't call me back, answer the phone or answer my questions

I didn't respond to this, then . . .

*Her:* I have something going on till 5:30

*Her:* I can get him then. I will need to speak to you at some point please

*Me:* Ok. Thank you.

*Her:* No problem. Do u know when u are going to ny? You don't have to call me text is fine

*Me:* Not sure but hoping next week.

*Her:* Ok just keep me posted please. Have a fantastic day


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Obviously by her last sentence, she's being sarcastic. She's probably pissed, but I wonder how she would feel and what she would do if she was me.

No contact is impossible when you have children, so I guess it would be considered limited contact.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> Obviously by her last sentence, she's being sarcastic. She's probably pissed, but I wonder how she would feel and what she would do if she was me.
> 
> No contact is impossible when you have children, so I guess it would be considered limited contact.


This is difficult for you?


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> This is difficult for you?


No, but if it's about our son I need to reply just enough to arrange things for his benefit.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> No, but if it's about our son I need to reply just enough to arrange things for his benefit.


The best way to go.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad, you are officially my "co-pilot" on this mission. Stay with me, brother. I need someone to help me fly through this fog . . .


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> Conrad, you are officially my "co-pilot" on this mission. Stay with me, brother. I need someone to help me fly through this fog . . .


I'm not going anywhere.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

So the wife should have received the D papers in the mail last night. She tried calling me a few times, but I didn't answer. Then she texted me:

*Her:* "Please pay the phone they already shut them off today. . .they put them back on until tomorrow"

I waited a while, then texted . . .

*Me:* Ok

*Her:* Thank you. I need to speak to you about something important if you could please call me sometime soon

I didn't respond and shut my phone off for the night. Then this morning I paid the phone bill and sent a text.

*Me:* I paid the cell phone. Hope u have a good day.

*Her:* Thank you. I hope you do also. (son's name) is staying at mom's tonight he is not going to the Y tomorrow. They wanted to have a day to hang out

*Me:* Ok

So that's being a good mother, huh? On the nights where she is supposed to be spending time with him, she pawns him off on her mother? Probably so that she can spend time with OM. I'm sorry, but what a POS. I should move for full custody. She's neglecting our son.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> So the wife should have received the D papers in the mail last night. She tried calling me a few times, but I didn't answer. Then she texted me:
> 
> *Her:* "Please pay the phone they already shut them off today. . .they put them back on until tomorrow"
> 
> ...


When you go to 50,000 feet and truly observe what's going on, it can be really eye-opening.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why did you pay *her* phone bill....it OM's problem now?

I just don't get it, now is the time to show her some real consequences for her choices and you go a head and enable her to continue....please explain this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

the guy said:


> Why did you pay *her* phone bill....it OM's problem now?
> 
> I just don't get it, now is the time to show her some real consequences for her choices and you go a head and enable her to continue....please explain this.


I can see the phone bill.

If an emergency happens and there's no way to contact anyone?

Big time guilt - especially with a child involved.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I can see the phone bill.
> 
> If an emergency happens and there's no way to contact anyone?
> 
> Big time guilt - especially with a child involved.


Yes Conrad, you are correct. We have a family plan for the cell phone and it's in her name, unfortunately. I have been trying to get her to release my phone number so I can get my own account. She drags her feet on this every time I ask (probably so that she retains a bit of control). She says we have to pay the whole balance ($275.00) before they will release the phone number. I posted this earlier in this thread how she freaked when I asked to get the cell switched over saying "I thought we were getting along so well . . . blah. . . blah. I think I'm just gonna get a new cell phone with a new number and just text her "hey this is my new cell phone number."


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> Yes Conrad, you are correct. We have a family plan for the cell phone and it's in her name, unfortunately. I have been trying to get her to release my phone number so I can get my own account. She drags her feet on this every time I ask (probably so that she retains a bit of control). She says we have to pay the whole balance ($275.00) before they will release the phone number. I posted this earlier in this thread how she freaked when I asked to get the cell switched over saying "I thought we were getting along so well . . . blah. . . blah. I think I'm just gonna get a new cell phone with a new number and just text her "hey this is my new cell phone number."


You can also cancel your data plan on your old phone number without penalty. That's the majority of the charges anyway.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

This morning has been very difficult for me emotionally. Sitting at my desk at work and trying to be productive, I looked at a picture of me and my son and started to cry. I feel like I've failed him. He is such a wonderful little boy. I am truly blessed to have him. He deserves better than his family becoming a statistic. Thinking about the ways in which this will affect him is the part that tears me up inside. I always wanted the best for all three of us.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> This morning has been very difficult for me emotionally. Sitting at my desk at work and trying to be productive, I looked at a picture of me and my son and started to cry. I feel like I've failed him. He is such a wonderful little boy. I am truly blessed to have him. He deserves better than his family becoming a statistic. Thinking about the ways in which this will affect him is the part that tears me up inside. I always wanted the best for all three of us.


I could agree that you'd failed him had you taken up with posOW and betrayed your family.

You didn't.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

So I texted my wife to ask her to drop off my son at her mother's house (I don't have family here). I didn't tell her why but obviously I don't want to see her. She replied by saying "that's fine but I will be there I need to talk to you."

Should I push this issue more by texting her something like: "Can you send me an email instead? Thanks."

I need a speedy reply b/c I'm supposed to pick my son up at 6 pm est. Thank you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TruGentleman75 said:


> So I texted my wife to ask her to drop off my son at her mother's house (I don't have family here). I didn't tell her why but obviously I don't want to see her. She replied by saying "that's fine but I will be there I need to talk to you."
> 
> Should I push this issue more by texting her something like: "Can you send me an email instead? Thanks."
> 
> I need a speedy reply b/c I'm supposed to pick my son up at 6 pm est. Thank you.


This wasn't exactly a speedy reply - my bad.

You can PM me anytime you really need to catch my attention.

On this one, I would have texted back that I really didn't have time to talk, so could she put it in writing.


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## TruGentleman75 (Jul 3, 2012)

Ok, so an update. Much has happened since my last post. I have gone almost completely dark. We have not spoken on the phone or seen each other in 2 months. I only text about picking up or dropping of my son. Our anniversary came and went on September 26th without any contact by either of us. One weekend in Sept, her mother showed up at my apt banging on my door and swearing about something, so I called the police and had her trespassed from my apt. I hired the best divorce lawyer in my area and had her served. We had the first hearing for temporary orders of custody on Oct 24th. She brought her mother to court with her. We have shared custody for now, but she has to pay me child support b/c she makes slightly more than I do even with my new job. I have found out that she has bounced checks for our son's school fundraisers and that the school had to demand that she pay in cash or money order only. Debt collection agencies are constantly calling my home phone leaving messages for her. And in case any of you are wondering, yes, she is still with OM.

But, more importantly, what have I been doing? I have flown to 50,000 feet and looked down below. I have cut all contact with her and anyone connected to her (including Facebook). I have opened my own cell phone account with a new number. I have spent much time by myself thinking and meditating on what I can do to improve myself and become a better person overall. I have developed new circles of friends through work and my hobbies. In fact, a couple with whom I am friends has invited me out to dinner to meet a female friend of theirs. However, I have no expectations. Just an open mind and positivity. Overall, I feel as though I am close to cutting the chain that has connected me to an anchor for the last 11 years.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Excuse me while I stand and applaud.

Great job Tru!


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