# Needing help & understanding



## Pressuredauwife (Sep 25, 2016)

Hello, 

Im new to the forum and am sorry Im joining with hope for advice. 

My husband and I have been married 6 years, we are both late 20s and have a 1 year old child. Since I fell pregnant, fatigue and a few other things crushed my sex drive. My husband was alright with this but would still ask and when I felt I could Id have sex with him. Once the baby was born things have especially dried up. I workfull time, study full time and raise our baby whilst he works his long hours. 

This has reared its head a few times now and each time I explain Im tired etc. Obviously the longer it goes on the more antsy he gets and he grabs at me in bed. he will place my hand on his penis unexpectedly or grab my vagina. Ive told him I dont like like, he apologises forgets and starts it again. I move my hand away but itsnow at the point I go to bedbefore him so Im left alone. I cringe, I dont feel safe in my bed anymore. 

Tonight, he grabbed at me again. I asked him not to, I told him I am tired as it was 130 am. he then got up and walked out. This prompted a big conversation, he feels I no longer love him because we dont have sex, I told him if he used a little romance then hes going to get alotg further and I am well within my rights to refuse sex. Th conversation got deeper and I told him that I feel he is sexually assaulting me and I no longer feel that bed is a relaxing time for me. I asked him to see a prostitute if that would help him dealwith whatever it is. He then told me he masturabtes every night now because of me and doesnt need a prostiute.

We have a good marriage, theres a drought going on but in so many other ways I show him I love him. I have learnt to cook his food (hes from a different country), every weekend I plan dates out that he would love dirt biking, motorbike shows, movies etc I kiss him, Im affectionate in other ways but Ive been having sex with him for 2 years out of obligation and now constantly being grabbed at all desire is gone. I hate it, I wait for him to finish and hope he is quick so I can sleep. 

My health and fatigue was the start of the drought but the pressure has killed it for me. I dont know what im hoping for bywriting here. Maybe an anonymous way to vent. Im stuck. 

Im in a happy marriage until bed time. Then I avoid being awake. Im sick of being felt up by my horny husband and sick of being made to feel guilty because Im not putting out on every demand. Its never done aggressively but it always ends with me on a guilt trip

Someone please help me make sense of where I go to from here :crying::crying::crying:

Thanks,


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Have you sought help for your low sex drive, or would you rather just stop having sex altogether? Low drive people don't really seem to see it as a problem, so I thought I'd ask.

Would you really be OK with him going to a prostitute? Saying that, you basically told him that not only don't you care to be sexually available to him ever again, but that you don't love him.

Don't say things suggesting that being more "romantic" would go further if you don't really mean it, because if he stays trying those things and nothing happens, he will resent you more than he likely already does.

I know it's probably not the advice you're looking for, but it's the advice you need right now.

Understand that in a relationship, sex is like air - it's only a problem when you're not getting any.


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

Telling him to seek someone else outside your marriage is giving him a green light to have an affair/s . It is also sending out a very strong message to your husband that you do not care about his needs or meeting his needs. Working full time, studying and taking care of a young child can be all very exhausting. However that is not going to go away anytime soon (it's just part of life).
Maybe he is grabbing you in bed out of sheer frustration and hope.
Do you do anything together (going out to dinner, movies, parks etc) without your child?
Are you on any birth control that could be hampering your sex drive?
Sex, Communication, mutual understanding, support (just to name a few) are all extremely important in marriage.
You both need to come up with a compromise that will work for both of you. 
If you leave things as they are resentment will just keep growing on both your parts, and you will drift further and further away.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

If you don't want to have sex then don't, but he's got needs. When he puts your hand on him the least you can do is get him off.

It might be enough, it might not be, but at least it's something.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Hello special person

I'm having a different set of issues right now, but went through an experience not unlike yours some years back in my marriage. I also had a (second) new baby and was so tired that I didn't know what to do with myself. I remember how it feels when you lie in bed next to your husband (whom you love) and steel yourself for when he reaches his hand over. If you flinch, you know he'll notice. Sometimes you feel strong enough to say no (It's your body), and sometimes you feel like it's your 'duty'. So you try and pretend. (This never worked out well for me.) A state of sexual pleasure is difficult enough to get to when you're tired. When you're tense and resentful, it is practically impossible. What I can tell you is that like all snowballing issues, this is only going to get worse unless you address it. 

It sounds like you've started that by having the conversation that you had last night. It must have been difficult to be so honest with him. (Personally, I think that a prostitute is a very bad idea). Keep communication channels with your husband open around this. The more you talk about it (preferably not late at night when you're both even more tired and grumpy!), the better.

Now I'm going to say some things that you probably don't want to hear:

When you say no to sex with your husband, it feels (to him) like you're rejecting him (not just his body, but all of him)
Sex serves a very necessary role in marriage; most particularly in easily fostering emotional intimacy (but it should absolutely be enjoyable for BOTH of you)
Not having sex is a habit. Having sex is a habit
Sometimes enjoying sex takes a lot less effort than you think.
I am not sure whether you're on birth control (or any other medication) that may have affected your sex drive. My husband and I worked out that most contraceptive pills affect my sex drive so badly that they became pretty much pointless :grin2:. Talk to your doctor or gynae about your sex drive. Things may improve with very little effort on your part... 

I want to share one or two other more practical things that worked for me when I was in a similar space to yours. I apologise in advance if this is too much information. But what the heck ... you can't see me blush.

When you are really not in the mood for sex (too sore, too angry etc.) then don't try and force yourself. But offer an alternative that involves you and the gift of your body (physical affection) If your husband is masturbating, then offer to hold him while he does so. Stroke his body, take pleasure in watching his pleasure. Because he's caught up in sensation, you can touch him in a way you wouldn't usually (because this would normally mean that then you'd have to have sex with him!) This is a good time to remind yourself that you like his body, the feel of his skin under your fingers and the fact that he belongs to you. If you're into being dominated by an alpha male, then persuade him to sit astride you when he does this. Let him finish on you. Yes, this can be messy; but for me, it was worth it. I shared in and heightened his pleasure by participating. Not as good as full sex for either of us, but it was enough to tide us both over...

You spoke about wanting 'romance'. Imagine that when your husband is getting into bed and 'sexually assaulting' you , what he is actually trying to do is reach out and touch you. Not just with his body, but with all of him. Because he is a man, he will try and use his penis to do this. :wink2: When you feel that he's going to reach out to you, do it first. Because you made the first move, you get to set the tone. Put your arms around him and ask him to hold you. Tell him how much you miss being held by him. Tell him you love him, but that you're too tired for sex. What you really want though, is to fall asleep with him holding you. 

I agree that sex is not a husband's 'right'. But it is a gift that you give to each other. A gift that is supposed to feel good when you give it and when you receive it. Sometimes choosing to give that gift is hard. But you have to let go of your resentment and try. And finally (maybe I should have put this in first). I found this not so long ago and wished that I could have read it seven years ago. Maybe I found it for you... How to Overcome Sexual Aversion.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Don't kid yourself. If the sex is this much of a problem, your marriage is not good. It's in trouble.

For a man, sex = love. Full stop. I am sure he appreciates your affectionate gestures, efforts at weekend outings, and cooking his native cuisine, but all that combined won't mean nearly as much to him as regular enthusiastic sex.

As others have stated, telling him to visit a prostitute is equivalent to telling him that you no longer love him and don't care what he does as long as he isn't bothering you.

You are aware that partner sex releases some very potent hormones responsible for pair bonding? Do you want him feeling those hormones with you or with someone else?


Maybe skip the motor bike shows/races and movies in favor of scheduling a weekend date that involves a nap followed by a few rounds of sex?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Pressuredauwife said:


> Hello,
> 
> Im new to the forum and am sorry Im joining with hope for advice.
> 
> ...


To be blunt, the issue started with you, and is now exacerbated (and maintained) by him.

For starters, it's normal that one's sex drive diminishes with pregnancy, kids, working, exhaustion, etc. (real life).

I won't say there's a 'would, coulda, shoulda' here, but... time could have been made for this, yes, even when there's seemingly no time. It's what people do (and not just with sex - with whatever is important to one's spouse).

It obviously got to a point where your husbands very real, very normal needs were not being met, and resentment set in. It probably seemed to him that no matter what he did, how he romanced you, helped you out, how hard he works, how much attention he gave to you to meet YOUR needs, his were not being met.

So now he's at a point where he's fed up, and is initiating in other ways (ie. being overtly blunt) - and you do not react well to that.

In marriage, each person wants different things. There are also many things that are mutual needs/wants, and almost always a number of things that only -they- want. The (not-so) secret to a happy marriage is making sure your partners needs are met, and especially not ignored, forgotten about, or de-valued.

The old saying "happy wife, happy life" works in reverse.

My advice - plan a date, in the very near future, where you will initiate sex and screw his brains out - and follow through, no matter how tired you are. Then continue doing this, I dunno, twice a month. In the meantime, don't be so quick to say no.

I'm not saying he's not at fault here, but one of you has to blink first, and frankly, because you were the one to effectively put a stop to marital sex (whether your fault or not), then you should be the one to start it back up again.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Marriage is a blending of two people with separate and distinct personalities. This blending occurs, in a good marriage, on many levels and physical blending is not the least among them. In fact it is far from it. There are certain chemical reactions to physical intimacy which serve to reinforce the connection between a man and his wife and although a marriage can suffer harm from neglect in any area, physical neglect is arguably the most devastating.

When one marries there are certain expectations and presumptions that can not be disregarded if one expects to maintain a healthy relationship. I suspect that if you are completely honest with yourself and with us you would realize that there is more at work here than simple fatigue. You have, for whatever reason, lost desire for your H and the need to see him happy. Why is this?

Life can sometimes be overwhelming but is it not true that we make time for what we see as important? Are your clothes washed, your groceries purchased and put away, meals cooked and clean up performed? These things are considered important and as such indispensable. Should not the needs and desires of your life partner be as important? Is intimacy with the person you have vowed to forsake all others for not worth as much of your time as laundry?

The real issue here is why have the very real and very important needs of your H become dispensable in your eyes. If you can ascertain the cause then perhaps you can work to correct it, if you can be made to see its importance. Has the thought of intimacy with your H, the father of your children, become so unappealing that you would risk disease, divorce and the total disruption of all lives involved by suggesting that he visit a prostitute? Have you really considered how uncaring and cold this is?

If my wife thought so little of me as to actually suggest that I meet my own needs by copulating with a prostitute I would have no further need for her or my sham of a marriage. If this is how you truly feel then I would suggest that you separate from your H and allow him to find a woman that would consider his masturbating every night unconscionable. Then you would be free to live whatever life you find acceptable perhaps even finding a man you truly love and care for.


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## Pressuredauwife (Sep 25, 2016)

Thanks all for your opinions, you've bought up so many things I didn't think of.

I haven't sought help, I didn't think there was anything anyone could do. I thought it was just one of those things. I don't take birth control because it makes it alot worse. Probably not worse than it is now though.

I guess dealing with the above will help me address other things. If he uses romance he gets sex. If he shows interest and leads up to it so I don't feel like a hunk of kept chances are hell get it. But in the process of having reduced sex all niceties are out the window. I can understand why I guess he does it but he doesn't get why it upsets me so much.

I was raped at 18 years old and for some reason it just retracts me all the way to there. It's not rational, it's got nothing to do with him but it's still there.

I make time for us, at 10pm I was asking him to come to bed which he avoided. Every night he goes to bed so late, doesn't get up for the baby but then wants sex. If we went to bed earlier, had more romance and in guessing a chat with the gp could make so much difference. 

When I said to him he could seek out a prostitute I certainly didn't intend for it to be a hurtful and cold thing. From gauging your reactions to that I shouldn't have said that and I will apologise for that.

I agree with sex being a habit either way, last month he was romantic and we had sex twice a day for 3 consecutive days due 4th day he grabbed at me and it was all over again. 

I know I'm the problem, really I know. But I can't seem to escape the problem and then the pressure just makes the problem worse.

We do date nights but again. It's all what he wants to do. His native cuisine, his movies etc maybe this is another reason. I do often feel like I'm living in his bubble of wants and needs and nine totally take a back seat..


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Dear Pressured Wife,

If you don't f**k your husband on a regular basis, you're as good as divorced later. 

This from a man who left a wife who didn't want sex.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Legend said:


> Dear Pressured Wife,
> 
> If you don't f**k your husband on a regular basis, you're as good as divorced later.
> 
> This from a man who left a wife who didn't want sex.


Just because you left your wife doesn't mean other guys will.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pressuredauwife,
How often do you two have sex these days?

You are married, have a child, work full time and go to school. It’s way too much for one person so you chose to short change your marriage.

Sex is a very important part of marriage because it is what binds a couple together. When we have sex, our brains produce and uptake dopamine, oxytocin and other feel good hormones. Oxytocin, besides making us feel good, has a very special action. It’s what makes people feel bonded to each other. The most sex a couple has, the more bonded they are. The less sex, the less bonded they are. There are other things that cause our brains to make and uptake oxytocin. For example, just spending time together does it too. But, only in small amounts. With sex the quantities of oxytocin are much higher.

When women stop having sex with their husbands, their oxytocin levels fall very low and the results is exactly what you describe. A woman who has low oxytocin cannot stand to be touched, sex sound awful, etc. It can lead to a woman feeling like she is low drive.

And guess what else is happening… your husband’s levels of oxytocin are way down too. That’s why he’s bugging you so much. It can feel like mental/physical pain when this happens. He’s trying to reconnect. But the more you reject him, the more his bond/love for you will die. You can pretty much expect that he’s going to end up cheating on you. He’s right. He does not need to get a prostitute. He would probably have no problem finding a woman who does not charge for sex and who really wants to be with him.

Your marriage is not good. Your husband has been telling you for a long time that he has a problem with your sex life and you are ignoring his real need. That’s called a bad marriage.

What you are going through is 100% fixable. You would benefit from seeing a counselor, preferably one who is also a sex therapist. You need to figure out how to fix this and get your sex life back.

You have way too much on your plate… marriage, school, work, a young child. Something has to give. All those dates that you plan… how about making a weekly get-away for the two of you to have some romance?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

caruso said:


> Just because you left your wife doesn't mean other guys will.


Many men do. A large number also cheat.

I'm a woman whose husband made our marriage sexless. I divorced him.

There are a lot of people who will not stay in a sexless marriage. Especially when the spouse who is making it sexless refuses to do anything to fix the problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pressuredauwife said:


> Thanks all for your opinions, you've bought up so many things I didn't think of.
> 
> I haven't sought help, I didn't think there was anything anyone could do. I thought it was just one of those things. I don't take birth control because it makes it alot worse. Probably not worse than it is now though.
> 
> ...


The above sounds a lot different than your first post. There are issues that can be addressed.

There are two books that I think would help you in talking to him. "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". What I suggest is that you read the book first and work through them from your perspective. Then you ask him to read them with you can he do his part of the work. It will open up dialogue between the two of you.

At some point some marriage counseling might help too.


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## Pressuredauwife (Sep 25, 2016)

We probably average once a month. I like the idea of going away but then there's a thing that tells me I'm going to have to have sex. 

I'm going to read the books below and the link posted earlier. I'll also go to the gp and see. I don't want to make him unhappy but it seems the only way I can make him happy is by making myself unhappy which builds resent. 

Thanks for all your helpful advice, it seems there's alot more going on that has to be addressed with me. I hope he can give me the space to work things out with a counsellor and GP. I just find the pressure of it all overwhelming which isn't normal anyway


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sex has become a battle ground and that has to stop! 

When you do have sex are you ever aroused?
Do you orgasm during sex?
How has your arousal and orgasm changed since all this conflict began?

You're not alone my dear. This is sadly very common for new mothers to completely loose their sex drive. The resulting conflict can go on for years and it can end the marriage.

You and your H need to have several learning conversations about sex and sexuality.

Google responsive desire in women. Print out a few pages and share with your H, then discuss.

When a woman has responsive desire she doesn't want to have sex unless she is already aroused. And since she isn't aroused when he grabs her hand and places it on his junk..so sexy by the way (NOT) she doesn't want to have sex. For a man, this would be like him not a ting to have sex unless he was erect and since he's not erect he doesn't want sex. But how does he get erect? By being stimulated. How does a woman become aroused? By being stimulated. If you trusted that even though right now you're not aroused, but he will take care of you and you will become aroused and then you WILL want sex, it would be easier for you to agree to sex more often. 

For his part, he needs to understand a woman with responsive desire does not experience sexual desire the way a man does. A man thinks about sex and a man wants sex, and then when sex starts he becomes aroused and erect.

A woman doesn't think about sex unless she has a desire for sex and she doesn't have a desire for sex unless she is already aroused.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Pressuredauwife said:


> I like the idea of going away but then there's a thing that tells me I'm going to have to have sex.


This comment makes it clear that this isn't really a problem about being tired - not anymore. You have a deep-seated resentment towards him at this point. I think it's important that you realize and accept this, because frankly it's on you to fix it.

You have prioritized full-time school and full-time work over your husband and marriage. This is a HUGE mistake in my opinion. Can you cut back to part-time work? Can you delay school until your child is older? However, I don't think any of that will fix the issue because even if you have more time you are still going to recoil from your husband's advances and not want sex. It's not about being tired, as your first post stated. Your subsequent posts have made that clear.

You need to decide what is important to you and then prioritize that. It if it not your marriage, then keep going down this path and you will not have a marriage. Your husband (and you) is/are much too young to be expected to go without sex. You need to address the REAL issues as to why you don't want to be intimate with him. If you don't, then it will be decided for you - guarantee it. Good luck.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> A woman doesn't think about sex unless she has a desire for sex and she doesn't have a desire for sex unless she is already aroused.


I disagree with this statement, especially the last half. I think about sex all the time, probably because I don't get any. I think about it, then get aroused. I have been in an LDR (with a very hot man) for the last almost 15 months.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Pressuredauwife said:


> We probably average once a month. I like the idea of going away but then there's a thing that tells me I'm going to have to have sex.
> 
> I'm going to read the books below and the link posted earlier. I'll also go to the gp and see. I don't want to make him unhappy but it seems the only way I can make him happy is by making myself unhappy which builds resent.
> 
> Thanks for all your helpful advice, it seems there's alot more going on that has to be addressed with me. I hope he can give me the space to work things out with a counsellor and GP. I just find the pressure of it all overwhelming which isn't normal anyway


You are getting hit hard here. In some ways it makes me cringe. I don't like that it feels like the problem is being placed solely on you. There are issues going on in your marriage. You play a part, but your husband also plays a part. However, you are the one here, seeking advice. So you are the one that is going to be told to change. The reason is - you only have control over your behavior. You can't change your husband. So you may have to take the lead in finding the solutions. 

Having said that, I strongly encourage you to include your husband in finding and implementing the solutions. Yes there is a lot more going on that you need to address, but there is a lot more going on with your husband that he also needs to address. This is a problem in your marriage and its affecting both of you in negative ways. it can continue and drive a big wedge between the two of you or you both can come together, work together, and use this problem as an opportunity to improve your marriage and make your relationship stronger. You can use it as an opportunity to find constructive ways of dealing with your issues, instead of resorting to destructive ways. You can find solutions that satisfy both of you and make both of you feel more loved and more connected. 

Finding solutions and implementing them will take lots of love, lots of listening, lots of of open and honest communication, lots of selflessness, lots of honest self evaluation - and some creativity, and time. Both of you have to make these efforts and both of you have to work on your parts. Good marriages don't happen, good long term monogamist sexual relationships don't just happen - they both take lots of work by BOTH parties. 

Don't have sex if it makes you feel resentment towards him. That will not help the marriage. But also understand that your constant rejection and controlling the sexual gates will also make him feel resentment towards you. Both of these are no wins for the marriage. 

You are young, and you have a lot on your plate. Maybe too much. Be careful to keep your priorities straight - and concentrate most of your efforts on the things and people who are the most important to you. Let some things go - and be sure to include time for yourself. You have to take care of yourself so that you are healthy and stable so that you can have energy to be there for the ones you love too.

As a side note - I have to ask - is your husband into porn? When things are good between you - is he a loving, considerate lover? Do you enjoy sex. Do you feel sex brings you closer to him - or does it only feel like a chore for you? Do you orgasm? You say he is from another country - what are the dynamics between men and women in the culture he was raised in? 

I'm rooting for you! The fact that you here seeking help for this problem while it is in its early stages gives me lots of hope and confidence that you will work this out with your husband and will come out of it stronger, smarter, and happier in the process. Good Luck!!


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## Pressuredauwife (Sep 25, 2016)

Thank above for your message it made me tear up.

I have way too much on my plate but I can't work out how to reduce it selfishly my studies are my most loved thing, I enjoy it so much I don't want to give them away and financially we can't afford for me to give up working. He is new to this country and is training as a chef so long hours and little pay. I have always made sacrifices for us to be together, he lived in another country and I gave up alot to keep us logistically together and feel that now he is here I want to do the things I love but it's coming at a cost.

He is my best friend, I love him so much and I'm so hurt that I've hurt him. He knows this but I guess in his eyes it's one thing to say and another thing to do and I guess the doing part is making him doubt whether I do love him. 

I don't know what changed within me. Pre baby we had a great sex life. Over time we got into a habit of not having sex then that's grown and festered into this **** situation where I'm repulsed, he's hurt and we both aren't getting anywhere. I shouldn't have sex if it makes me uncomfortable but denying him sex is exacerbating these issues. 
As a side note - I have to ask - is your husband into porn? When things are good between you - is he a loving, considerate lover? Do you enjoy sex. Do you feel sex brings you closer to him - or does it only feel like a chore for you? Do you orgasm? You say he is from another country - what are the dynamics between men and women in the culture he was raised in? 

My husband loves porn, I don't but he knows he is free to watch it. I also tell him to put it on when we have sex. He is a beautiful man. I used to enjoy sex but now I don't it feels like its a chore. I used to orgasm, but now I don't. I get close, he changes whatever he is doing and it goes away. Every time. It never used to be like this. 

He is from a Muslim society, he's very liberal from the traditions of Islam and doesn't fit your usual stereotypes of an Islamic man. He's gentle, he's kind, he's loving.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I disagree with this statement, especially the last half. I think about sex all the time, probably because I don't get any. I think about it, then get aroused. I have been in an LDR (with a very hot man) for the last almost 15 months.


I refer you back to my post, specifically the paragraph that begins with



> When a woman has responsive desire....


This is what is known as a qualifying statement. It lets the reader know that women, in this instance, does not mean ALL women. This important qualifying statement indicates that any further discussion about a woman with responsive desire, or women, or those with responsive desire collectively all specifically refer to those instances of "when a woman has responsive desire.

IOW, of course you disagree because you are not at this time in your life a woman with responsive desire, thus my statements regarding women should be understood as women with responsive desire...and as you've pointed out, you are not a woman with responsive desire. As such, you have nothing about which to disagree. 

15 whole months? Wow, lemme know how it's going in 30 years kid.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Pressuredauwife said:


> I don't know what changed within me. Pre baby we had a great sex life. Over time we got into a habit of not having sex then that's grown and festered into this **** situation where I'm repulsed, he's hurt and we both aren't getting anywhere. I shouldn't have sex if it makes me uncomfortable but denying him sex is exacerbating these issues.
> 
> He is a beautiful man. I used to enjoy sex but now I don't it feels like its a chore. I used to orgasm, but now I don't. I get close, he changes whatever he is doing and it goes away. Every time. It never used to be like this.
> 
> .



I think you should explore why you think you shouldn't have sex if it makes you uncomfortable. Getting past the ownership of you body, getting past the ideals of sex... Again, seeking the real root of the problem...what level of discomfort indicates sex is a no. Any sort? Mild discomfort? Severe discomfort?

What exactly is making sex uncomfortable for you?

Is it because you no longer enjoy it? That seems reasonable to me.
Is it because you no longer orgasm? That seems like a symptom that needs to be diagnosed.

Having empathy for your husband goes a long way in wanting to figure this out with him. 

Be honest and open with him about your concerns and worries about having lost your sex drive completely, about not enjoying sex anymore and especially about not orgasming. This is not a you problem, it's a couple problem.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Pressuredauwife said:


> *I was raped at 18 years old and for some reason it just retracts me all the way to there.* It's not rational, it's got nothing to do with him but it's still there.


I think you need to get help for what happened to you when you were 18. I'm so sorry that happened to you :frown2:


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I think you need to get help for what happened to you when you were 18. I'm so sorry that happened to you :frown2:


I too think that this may go along way in helping your current situation or any future ones.

Does your husbanded know this happened to you? 

If he doesn't it might be good to share that with him, might give him some insight into your feelings and can work with you in getting help.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Pressuredauwife said:


> Thank above for your message it made me tear up.
> 
> I have way too much on my plate but I can't work out how to reduce it selfishly my studies are my most loved thing, I enjoy it so much I don't want to give them away and financially we can't afford for me to give up working. He is new to this country and is training as a chef so long hours and little pay. I have always made sacrifices for us to be together, he lived in another country and I gave up alot to keep us logistically together and feel that now he is here I want to do the things I love but it's coming at a cost.
> 
> ...


Things changed with you because your body changed, because your hormones changed when you got pregnant and gave birth. This is very normal. Your body does not revert back to the way it was pre-birth. So you have to learn to work with the "new" you. Also you have added responsibilities and emotions from taking care of your baby and adjusting to being a new mother. So what you are going through is very very normal. This is going to be your life story, as bodies are constantly in change mode throughout our lives. Once you understand this, then you can learn to read your body and adjust when necessary - and seek help from professionals when necessary.

Here are some suggestions for you to help.

1. Find a good doctor you are comfortable with and who is very comfortable talking to you about sex and sexuality. Preferably one that is open to testing your hormones and helping you to keep them balanced - a doctor who takes a holistic approach to your care and well being. 

2. Do some research and learn about women's bodies and sexuality. This is one of my favorite sites, which has excellent articles. They sell products and are connected to a clinic, however I only use it for an educational resource. Go to the health library, and other tabs that provide you with information. https://www.womentowomen.com/health-library/

3. Exercise and eat healthy. Stay away from processed foods and sugar. These severely damage your body and mess with your hormones and are energy drainers. Again, as I said before, you need to take care of yourself. Make taking care of yourself a priority.

4. Get this book and study it to learn about your body and its sexual anatomy. https://www.amazon.com/Womens-Anatomy-Arousal-Sheri-Winston/dp/057803395X Read it through once by yourself, then read it together with your husband.

5. Learn to talk openly and honestly about sex with your husband. Tell him what feels good to you, what does not. Learn to give him cues during sex so he knows that something feels good and not to change it - or that something doesn't feel good and he needs to try something different.

6. This piece of advice is going to be controversial - but IMO your husbands porn viewing and love for porn is contributing to some of your problems with the way he treats you (the grabbing, and disrespect, etc ) Research porn use and make your own decision. It sounds like he has probably been involved with it for a long time. You say he loves it - and you even allow it during your sexual activities. There will be many that disagree with me, however, most of my research and life experience I have dealing with porn makes me very leary of regular and excessive viewing and use of porn because it can be both damaging to the man and to the marriage. Porn is created mainly for these reasons - to arouse MEN, and to make money. However it also teaches men to be selfish lovers, to objectify women, and gives them an unrealistic expectation on what women enjoy sexually and what women's bodies look like. In other words, it teaches them to be lousy lovers. Some researchers contend it actually changes brain chemistry over time - and may over time change their natural physical response to sex with real women in a negative way. i.e. some get to a point where they don't respond without viewing porn. 

Unfortunately, porn is prevalent and often the main source of sexual education for men. IMO, it's a horrible educational tool that is creating men who don't know how to be good lovers. I am wondering if your husband staying up late and then coming to bed sexually aggressive is not related to his porn use. I could be wrong - but this happens a lot unfortunately. 

7. To understand your husband, you have to really understand the culture he was raised in. You say "He is from a Muslim society, he's very liberal from the traditions of Islam and doesn't fit your usual stereotypes of an Islamic man. He's gentle, he's kind, he's loving" But how was he raised? How was he taught to view women and to treat them? Does he respect women? How was he taught to work out problems within a marriage? What were the dynamics in his parents marriage. He may act differently than the culture he was raised in, but you need to understand that the culture still has been a huge part of creating who he, how he views things, and how he reacts to certain situations. To be able to work out problems in your marriage, you have to always consider if some of your differences are due to cultural differences - and then work it from that angle if it is. Are you also Muslim? IF not, you also need to be aware of your differences in religious ideology.

8. I think this book has already been mentioned - but I think it is definiely a must for the both of you to read and discuss together. https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-He...474898472&sr=8-1&keywords=his+needs+her+needs

This is also a good site to look at with tons of information for you. Use all of these books and sites to spur conversations with your husband! Love Busters Learn how to improve your marriage together - not just you doing all the research and all of the work. 

9. I think you would benefit from getting some professional counseling, especially because of your rape experience - and the complexities and difficulties within your particular marriage. 

Ok - I will stop there. I have given you a lot to digest and consider and it may be overwhelming for you. There is no way you can do all of the above - so just focus on one thing at a time - the thing that speaks to you the most. Take baby steps if you need to. The important thing is that you and your husband move forward in trying to solve this problem and not stay stuck in your dysfunctional ways. Hopefully something in all of this will be helpful to you and your husband. Again - your attitude in wanting to fix this problem - and in owning up to your part in it is awesome. The majority of women with similar problems never even get to this point! Keep working at it - including your husband in the whole process.

Hugs!!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

PW,

When a woman no longer has sex with her boyfriend or husband his self-esteem and sense of confidence is frequently destroyed. When my wife does not respond to me there is deep feeling of inadequacy and ineptness, this is where the awkward groping and kissing comes from it's desperation to reestablish yourself as a man. 

Groucho Marx is quoted as saying the following, this was said when he was doing very well in his old age, but even then the need to have sex overshadowed all the achievements of his lifetime. 

"I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection."

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

PW,

Does your H know about the rape and was the guy ever prosecuted?

Tamat


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## Pressuredauwife (Sep 25, 2016)

@Capricious Yes he does, hes known it very early in our relationship. I think at times it slips to the back of his head unintentionally and because its never really spoken about he may not think of it either. I dont like to talk about it, I feel as though its a reflection of my behaivour. He has never said anything but support when it came up but in the 10 years we havent really spoken about it again. 
@mary35 Thank you for your long commited answer, it is so helpful. I think I need to find a good doctor to talk to. Maybe even go back for additional counselling with everything. With time Ill look into the books and sites that everyone has suggested on here. I find it an interesting point about the porn too, its not somethind Ive ever connected any issues with but can see how reality vs fantasy can be so confused. He has always reminded me of how much more beautiful I am post baby, I dont feel like that but he does tell me daily. His love is so pure, Im very lucky to have him. When we do have sex I coach him along the way but realistically I dont think its him, again its my own barriers that are stopping me which this post has made me aware of. I have a good understanding of his culture, can speak the language fluently and lived there for 5 years, generally the area and his immediate family are very respectful to women, probably more so than in the western world. I dont think its a cultural thing this time. 
@TAMAT Thanks for your kind response and insight i feel like they are probably the worlds that my husband would speak at this point in time. The man was never prosecuted, due to the laws in that country I would have to prove my innocence rather than he prove his guilt. My consulate advised me of being very careful to prosecute as it would of opened charges against me that realistically could never of been fought. They explained the closure that you would get from a normal legal system wouldnt be the same there andwould potentially cause me further distress and trauma. 

I really want to say I do appreciate alll of these comments, in 24 hours youve opened my mind up to so many barriers that I had hidden away. With me receiving help & education and eventually him too I feel as though in the future we will be able to work this out and go back to being in a healthy marriage. When I posted I thought in a way I would get a pity party as a way of supporting me and being encouraged to hold me sexual grounds, with the blame and suggestions saying that I am more responsible for this youve opened up something I wasnt expecting and I am truly greatful. Without such blunt, honests answers we would be in this catch 22 of resentment towards each other or separating.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

You are handling this with such grace, dignity, and humility. It takes a lot of strength and courage to hear criticism about ourselves without getting defensive and dismissive. You are facing you demons head on! Good for you! I have full confidence that you will succeed in working this out with your husband!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, 
I think you are in a downward feedback spiral. He is feeling constantly rejected, his needs unmet (1/month is not nearly enough for most people), and reacts with a combination of resentment and and bursts of lust that make him feel even worse when those are rejected. If you have never been regularly denied sex by someone you love, its difficult to imagine how hurtful it is. To make it worse, since you had a good sex life earlier, it will feel to him like a bait and switch - you have your baby, now you no longer need or want him. 

To you, it probably seems that all he wants is sex. Whenever he is near you, its is all he cares about. There is little romance, affection etc, all of it is designed to get sex. You are busy, tired - and as others have said, your hormones have changed to the point where you have almost no libido. 

He may not leave, but he will be miserable - and it won't get any better. Even if he stops asking for sex, it will be a dry dead marriage - with no joy for you either.

You can't halp how you feel, but you are the only one who can fix this. So what can you do? 

If you can find out why you have such negative feelings toward sex and fix them, that will solve everything. Counseling etc. 

Provide him with sex / intimacy. He is probably feeling so rejected now that you will have to take the lead. Coax him to bed early enough and just get him off with a BJ. A few minutes a few times a week is not that much effort to try to save your marriage. Once he is comfortable with being intimate again, let him know what he can do to please you. If he doesn't do it, then you have a problem with a selfish husband and you need to re-think things. If he does, then you need to just regularly (3x/week) provide him with some sort of sexual activity - not as as chore, but because (I hope) you still love him and enjoy making him happy. Intercourse is uncomfortable / painful if you are not aroused, but other things are not. 

You don't have to do this. But the natural consequence of not regularly having sex with him is that he will feel rejected and resentful. He may leave, he may cheat, or he may suffer through it. He will certainly be unhappy, and if you love him, you can't be happy if he is unhappy.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@mary35 hit it out of the park. OP you are getting good advice early enough to work WITH your H to have a long, happy marriage.

Talk, talk, talk and reassure your H. Let him know this will take time to work through but that you want to get back to the place where you are H and W but also great lovers. I think this is VERY important - you have to visualize a future where you two are intimate lovers several times a week if you are to ever realize that.

Make no mistake - most men require sex daily or more. That fact seems lost in our society. If you think of it that way, you will realize you have a huge opportunity to take that need and change it to a loving, bonding experience.

I have been dating or married to my W over 30 years. We went through what you are experiencing. BUT... I didn't push hard enough to end it and we lost many years where we could have been even closer.

Now my w understands and I understand responsive desire. I wake her up nightly and we do SOMETHING - anything - that involves sex and intimacy. If it's only 10 minutes it's 10 minutes well spent because we both want the passionate intimacy. I can tell you the bonding is true and worth working for. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Look most of us have been there too. Babies crying at 2AM, working full time, all while trying to enjoy life in marriage. But, you are treating your husband like a rapist. You said it yourself that you feel like he is sexually assaulting you. When my wife rejected me, I told her in therapy that she was making me feel like a rapist. She had no idea the damage she was causing to our marriage. Honestly, the one thing that makes a marriage unique is the love and sex. Shared activities are not a replacement. My wife thought our life and marriage was perfect. Until I said I hate this life and want a divorce. It took me 15 years to get to that point. Sooner or later most people get there. You don't have a marriage, let alone a good one. The number one expectation of most men in marriage is sexual fulfillment. #1. This is how most men express their love. Think about what you are doing to his love for you by rejecting it. You are destroying it. You should have the guts to offer him a fair divorce if you can't get past your issues, not a prostitute. I can't believe you did that. That's a tacit acknowledgement by you that you don't have a marriage. You are SO LUCKY that he is still trying because once he stops, he has given up. He will no longer find you attractive because all he sees when he looks at you is pain and rejection. Once he gets there, it will be difficult to avoid divorce. 

You have to get a good sex therapist and work through your issues. And make time for your marriage or else you won't have one.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Get some individual counseling. You've mentioned that you know on some level the rape is coming into play in your mind, but you've also said that you avoid discussing it or thinking about it. I'd recommend dealing with it if I were you. Then you can look at marriage counseling if it's still needed at that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good that you know there is a problem.

when my wife refuses over and over, my resentment grows. I feel rejected.

I feel distance in the marriage and in the relationship. Sorry that your resentment is growing. Makes me wonder about my wife, if she has the same resentment.

But If I ever wait for her to initiate, nothing will ever happen. 

Hope you find the time for a good MC, one that also discusses the problem with the lack of sex. It is a very important language of love between a married couple. 

Good luck to you and your family.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> 15 whole months? Wow, lemme know how it's going in 30 years kid.


Yeah, it's going horrible. I just posted a thread on it. In fact it died its final death yesterday.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I disagree with this statement, especially the last half. I think about sex all the time, probably because I don't get any. I think about it, then get aroused. I have been in an LDR (with a very hot man) for the last almost 15 months.





Hope Shimmers said:


> Yeah, it's going horrible. I just posted a thread on it. In fact it died its final death yesterday.



How can you say whether you have responsive desire or spontaneous desire when your relationship is sexless, long distance, and you two have never actually met? 

:scratchhead:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Pressuredauwife said:


> *I am well within my rights* to refuse sex.


A US Supreme court judge once said, "Just because you have a right to do something does not always mean that it is always the right thing to do."

If you feel like your husband is being too sexually aggressive, don't simply refuse sex, instead show him what you need to feel loved.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It sounds like yet *another* common occurrence of the woman working her ass off 24/7 trying to be Super Woman and be all things to all people while her selfish, lazy ass husband can't be bothered to lift a finger.

And here you are now running around like a trained seal trying to fix what he clearly HELPED to break with his complete lazy selfishness. And in typical fashion, once again it's only YOU doing the work trying to fix it. Not surprised.

You mention right in your first post how you work full time, study full time, and the responsibility for the baby (and no doubt everything* else* in the household) falls on YOUR shoulders. Because he works longer hours - though it's probably equal to your full time hours and your school hours combined - you're STILL working 1000 times harder doing everything else at home and taking care of an infant. He seems to think being a male precludes him from doing a damned thing once he gets home. Since you're doing it ALL, you're exhausted by the time you get to bed and here's this selfish Neanderthal groping you and demanding that you please him.

No wonder you don't want to touch him. I wouldn't want to either.

I know a lot of people are jumping on the rape bandwagon as the problem here, but I get the clear impression that your husband's demanding nature about sex is what's triggering these rape issues for you *now*, but they don't appear to have been what originally started this descent to a sexless marriage. I believe resentment - and exhaustion - is what started your sexless situation.

Seriously, OP. Stop jumping around like a trained seal for a selfish assclown who seems to think it's his birthright that you work your fingers to the bone every single day while he does *nothing* but expect MORE from you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

*Needing help &amp; understanding*

@She'sStillGotIt you sound very angry and seem to be projecting a very negative view of men. I hope you see that. I see nothing wrong with the content of your post but I don't assume ANOTHER lazy man exists on the planet. If you believe that, you are likely to see what you believe. 

Personally I don't consider that help and understanding but that could just be me and my life experience in positive relationships [edit to add] which have all sorts of problems and challenges over time that must be jointly resolved with respect for one another.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

*Re: Needing help &amp; understanding*



TheTruthHurts said:


> @She'sStillGotIt you sound very angry and seem to be projecting a very negative view of men. I hope you see that.


I thought the same. I don't see her as Superwoman, I see her as someone that prioritized school, kids, and work over her marriage. And I see a woman that knows she has trauma but is failing to seek help for herself. All we can do from the internets is to point it out. It is for OP to act on it to change her life. ... is the husband lazy? maybe, maybe not...


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