# She finally called



## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Just finished talking after she left last friday. Kept my composure an didn't want to be eager. Apparently she didn't expect me to close the bank account she still had checks written an her last check to be deposited. Well sorry, but I didn't know where you stood or your attitude. I admitted at first I blamed her an didn't know what I did, but after a few days here I found out that I wasn't innocent. I told her I was controlling an see I was from the beginning an codependant. She told me what she was mad at me for, but I didn't try an attack her for anything she did. I agreed with her leaving an didn't blame her for doing, just that walking away without a note was the worst way to handle it an she agreed. I said I wasn't gonna beg or expect her to come back anytime soon. Just asked to give us a year to see how we can change from this. She told me she wasn't coming back here to WA state. I have another year left here before I can sell the house anyway.

I was able to get some free counsleing an think she liked the idea of me getting help.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Again? Why are you talking to her about "us" and asking her for anything? Why are you inviting yourself into her life? Why are you even bothering asking for help here when that all goes out the window and you confide in her. You should still be ignoring her and working on you buddy. She is the LAST person in the world you want to discuss everything that went wrong and share your vulnerabilities with, AND DON'T F*CKING TELL HER ABOUT THE 180!

Why you ask? Because she does not care! She is still looking for reasons to justify her decision to leave so all you're "I'm trying honey" is just showing her how much you still want her and will do anything for her. Tell me does that pedestal you put her on come with a pretty blue ribbon? Ignore her! I promise she will respect you more. She doesn't now but she will if you stop being so available and do everything you can to show her you can move on first. 

FOR GOD SAKES!!!! Print out a couple copies of the 180 and post them around your house. You are not ready to talk to her yet. You're going to fall into the trap of comforting her and apologizing to make her feel better, but all this does is have her lose respect for you and make you her little b!tch.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Just asked to give us a year to see how we can change from this.


What kind of a request is that? Who in their right healthy mind would actually do that?

Are you incapable of seeing any value in yourself? Are you willing to stay loyal to someone who bails to another state and only contacts you when faced with financial difficulty?

What is she adding to your life as of right now? Other than her memories, what is her function in your current lifestyle? NOTHING.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Those are some strong words to Scott. I think waiting a year before making rash decisions on both your parts is a wise idea. Divorce sucks and only causes more heartache in the long run. I wish you well Scott and hope you use the time for yourself. Grow from it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

Thanks sadwith, I took some offense to the harsh pro divorce comments, but as another thread states anyone in this section helping the newbies are people that wern't so lucky to get there spouse back. Maybe I asking to be strung along so she can keep hurting me over an over, but I know we couldn't be together now nomatter how much I begged anyway. I just asked her to consider seperation an not be so qiock to give up. Yes she has been married before an so it was easy for her to walk away from me without trying. I wanted her to see that I might be worth fighting for. Maybe as others are saying that in time I'll learn to be a better man an when she want's me back I'll have moved on, at least it'll be easier for me.

Had first IC today, covered alot of ground compared to our one MC session. I've learned I had contolling issues, codependent, an selfish behavior during the marriage. Today I find it was there before I met her. She says this is my time to think about me an work on me.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

ScottH454 said:


> ...people that weren't so lucky to get there spouse back.


On the flip side, some of us are lucky that we didn't get our spouses back. My stbxh left 9 weeks ago and we have been out of contact completely for about 6.

I miss him as much as you miss your wife, I'm sure. But I also feel, really deep down, that this is the beginning of a better chapter because I will eventually find someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I am sad that my stbxh isn't this man -- I thought he was. But deep down, once again, I always knew that there were differences between us that would pull us apart someday. I ignored my intuition, and it turned out to be right.

What does your intuition tell you? What do you know, deep down, that you are afraid to admit to yourself because if you do, it will come true?


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

ScottH454 said:


> Thanks sadwith, I took some offense to the harsh pro divorce comments, but as another thread states anyone in this section helping the newbies are people that wern't so lucky to get there spouse back. Maybe I asking to be strung along so she can keep hurting me over an over, but I know we couldn't be together now nomatter how much I begged anyway. I just asked her to consider seperation an not be so qiock to give up. Yes she has been married before an so it was easy for her to walk away from me without trying. I wanted her to see that I might be worth fighting for. Maybe as others are saying that in time I'll learn to be a better man an when she want's me back I'll have moved on, at least it'll be easier for me.
> 
> Had first IC today, covered alot of ground compared to our one MC session. I've learned I had contolling issues, codependent, an selfish behavior during the marriage. Today I find it was there before I met her. She says this is my time to think about me an work on me.


Scott most of the people here are just trying to help you thru the hurt that you are feeling, because almost all of us have been there, and are trying to save you from having to learn some of this yourself. What works with is doing the 180, and like your IC said focus on YOURSELF.... Do you really want her back if she doesn't want to be there? I am not advocating divorce, in fact I did all I could to save my marriage... I am glad I did because I have no regrets. But regardless you need to focus on yourself right now- start working out, get a new hobby, whatever.... that will make you start felling better


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Scott,

Your wife has even told you directly that you have issues (confirmed by your IC) that you need to work on. I think setting any type of timeframe for any results may not be the right thing to do.

As others say, you can't change your wife or make her love you again. You can only change yourself at this point and sounds as if you need to work on yourself regardless of what happens to your marriage


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I took some offense to the harsh pro divorce comments, but as another thread states anyone in this section helping the newbies are people that wern't so lucky to get there spouse back.


You're wrong! I actually got my wife back at least 3 times (more if we count pre-marriage break-ups) after she left me.

You'll look back at this thread and know exactly what was missing from your life that you couldn't take the advice given. It's called "sanity".

Your wife has been holding your sanity hostage for years. You'll slowly gain it back and smack yourself for letting her do this to you.

Bookmark this thread and come back to it in 3 months.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

synthetic said:


> You're wrong! I actually got my wife back at least 3 times (more if we count pre-marriage break-ups) after she left me.
> 
> You'll look back at this thread and know exactly what was missing from your life that you couldn't take the advice given. It's called "sanity".
> 
> ...


Adding to Synth's words of wisdom.....

Do you have any idea how attractive you will be to her in a about a year or two when she's had her fill of yet another divorce "spring break" and tries to come back to you to see if you still want her..... And you don't want any part of her?

Not only that, but the priceless look of disappointment on her face when you look at her with a blank stare, like a hot girl at the bar that said something stupid to you and you're considering whether or not you should ask her a follow up question or laugh at her ignorance. 

Rejecting an ex that burned you is the greatest feeling you will ever know. "Go out for coffee?..... Idk I 'll have to see what my girlfriend says". Not that you have to ever reject her for good, you just have to turn down the first offer or any that make you go out of your way to see her..... make her earn it. 

Who knows maybe by then she'll be married to the 7th husband and just as miserable. While you're listening to her sit and b!tch you can laugh at that guy in your head and have the closure you needed. Or if things work out just date her but reject her offer to marry you ever again.


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