# new and in structured separation



## FindingMyself (Apr 25, 2013)

Greetings and condolences to my fellow sufferers. I've been looking for a good online support group to help me during this really rough phase of my life. I hope this is the place. I have tried a couple of others and not had very good luck.

The short version of my story is that about 10 years ago, I went through a pregnancy that nearly killed me. I received substandard medical care, and because of my insurance, I could do nothing about it. I ended up having to terminate the pregnancy because my health was rapidly deteriorating and the fetus began showing signs of health problems due to my issues. The condition I had was extremely likely to recur in any subsequent pregnancy, so my husband and I decided not to try again. He did not want to adopt, so we don't have children.

I went through intensive counseling after this. Nearly dying and coming to terms with the end of a dream were difficult tasks, but I was able to do it with help. My husband, however, refused to go, saying one of us had to be strong and he would figure out how to handle it on his own. The problem is, he never did. He spent eight years stuffing his feelings and pretending everything was OK. Two years ago, when things finally started manifesting themselves in the bedroom, he confessed his feelings to me. He said he still loves me but doesn't have "romantic feelings" anymore. He refused to take professional recommendations for good counselors from my doctor and instead picked two losers on his own, both of whom told him all his problems came from me and he needed to get a divorce.

I finally managed to get him to go to marriage counseling. Things improved slightly, but there was still a significant block. The counselor told us it was him. He has individual issues he needs to deal with that are keeping him from being happy and fully present in the marriage. Living in our house has been like being in a powder keg holding a lit match. Emotional tension has been really high. He has said and done things I didn't think he was capable of and hurt me in ways I never would have dreamed he could. I can see he's still in there somewhere when I look in his eyes, and occasionally bits of the person I love come out. But much of the time he just looks sad or angry. I am so lonely I can hardly stand it.

The counselor has put us into something called structured separation. It's different from other types because its goal is reconciliation of the marriage. The time apart is designed to diffuse emotional tension. We will still have contact with each other, but it's strictly defined. There are lots of rules to keep things positive and provide for introspection and space.  The technique has an overall success rate of about 60%, but I'm not sure if that would change when the couple has agreed in advance they are trying to reconcile. (We had the option of leaving that open but both said we wanted to try to get back together.) Individual and marriage counseling for each of us are both part of the plan. This will go on for six weeks.

He will be leaving next week. I am scared to death. I am a very social person by nature. I have lots of friends, and my family is being very supportive even though they live almost 1000 miles away. It's not that I don't have people who care about me. It's that I will be basically alone in our home. We have pets, so they will be here with me, but I have never lived without another human being in my whole life. I work hard and do well in my job. I have a lot of interests. None of that will make up for the fact that the man I have been with for over 25 years is not going to be here when I come home every night.

I still can't believe this is happening. I suppose in some ways I'm lucky because at least it's a defined period of time, but there is always the possibility that he will decide at the end of it he doesn't want to be married to me after all. He has been so mercurial lately that I really have no way of gauging his moods. I am afraid to be by myself. I have a huge gaping wound in my life and don't know how to tend to it. Counseling helps a little, as do meds, but the pain I'm in just thinking about it now is tremendous. When it actually happens, I will be headed into completely uncharted territory.

Has anyone else tried a structured separation? If so, how did it work out? What tips can you offer someone about learning to be alone and get something positive out of the experience?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Finding,

Read through the other threads and consider starting a 180. Conventional thinking on this site is that you cannot appear needy in this difficult time. You need to work on YOU so that your spouse can see real enduring change and hope that the new you reaches the parts of him that can still have "romantic feelings" for you.

I know you are hurting and there are a lot of us on this site hurting and relying on each other for support.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## FindingMyself (Apr 25, 2013)

I'm having trouble finding the 180. When I search for it, I keep getting told nothing is out there. I've seen it referred to in several threads. Is there a good place with an article or series of steps or something? I want to get the most I can out of the six weeks and have more positive feelings about myself and my husband.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

FindingMyself said:


> I'm having trouble finding the 180. When I search for it, I keep getting told nothing is out there. I've seen it referred to in several threads. Is there a good place with an article or series of steps or something? I want to get the most I can out of the six weeks and have more positive feelings about myself and my husband.


There is a 34 point list of dos and don't that gets circulated around here as the essence of the 180. I don't like it much - I think that it oversimplifies the 180 and actually misses the essence of it. I would recommend that you get Michele Weiner-Davis's book "Divorce Busting" (which is where the whole 180 philosophy was first laid out) and read it from the original source. It is essentially about doing everything differently, as what you have been doing up until now hasn't worked. 

The 180 is primarily designed to prepare you for the next phase of your life without you spouse. However, by appearing strong, independent and not in need of your spouse it can have the effect of suddenly making you much more attractive to them - but that is not its primary purpose and should not be done for this reason.

In your situation there are clearly identified issues and those issues lie entirely with your husband. Furthermore, those issues are not about you and your relationship but about past events and his inability to process them. That suggests to me that there is not a great deal that you need to change about your interactions with you husband. So perhaps the 180 is not the answer - but I would still work on yourself and use this time to prepare youself for an independent life. Seeing that he might lose you could be just the jolt he needs to get him to address his issues. It sounds to me like he doesn't quite want to acknowledge them, let alone deal with them. And I would still read Wiener-Davis's book.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

The 180 as listed in short form is for detaching and moving on. It isn't for fixing a marriage, though it can have that effect.

I think that "bullet point 180" would be a bad call if you BOTH intend this as a means to reconciliation.

What is important is to not be needy and beg for things, you need to be strong in yourself..

You sound very committed to making things work and I applaud you for that but this will only work if he is equally committed.

Do you think he is or is he likely to pay lip service to the process so he can claim to have tried?

ETA.. I found it very telling that you said HE did not want to adopt. If you feel that you're missing out on one of life's fundamental joys, in parent hood, have you examined if that has caused problems from your side?

I ask as it is clear he has plenty to work on but i wonder if you have identified needs or things of your own to look into?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Follow your counselor's advice and what you agreed upon in counseling. I think KC is right about the 180. Do not cut contact with him if you agreed to have it during this time.

Make sure you go reach out to friends and make new ones. Do not sit at home alone stewing and worrying about your marriage. Reconnect with old friends, find a new hobby and get into it, join a support group, get involved in group activities (religious, civic, etc). Go to the gym, work out some frustration there. Go to a spa and treat yourself well....In short, get busy building up a support network, being social, and building up your personal life. You'll come out of this a better person regardless of where it ends up. 

If you both agreed to try a structured separation, then make the most of it for yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Living alone, even for a brief period, teaches you to be self-sufficient. It isn't something to fear. I am several months into my separation (my divorce will be final this summer) and after 45 years of living with someone I'm finding it very empowering to be on my own.


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## FindingMyself (Apr 25, 2013)

I didn't realize 180 required no contact. No, that's definitely not what I will be doing. I know that I hold some of the blame for what has happened. We've become tightly enmeshed in part because of my own childhood issues (grew up in a household with an addict) and my struggles with an anxiety disorder. I've been in counseling for both for a long time and have improved, but the terror I feel in being alone tells me I still have much more work to do.

Regarding adoption, that was something I processed a long time ago. I'm perfectly content and sometimes even very happy about not having children. I was a bit of a fencesitter on the issue until we decided we wanted to try. When I found out his strong feelings on adoption, I was quite taken aback at first as he'd never said anything about them previously, but to me it was a no-brainer to choose between my husband and a hypothetical child I'd have to adopt on my own or find someone else to parent with me. Right now I am very glad we don't have children as I can barely care myself and our pets, let alone anyone else.

As to how he stands on owning his part of things, it's complicated. He has said many times he knows he is mostly at fault for not working on his own issues. In the past, when he picked his own counselors, he never lasted more than a few months, and he managed to pick two who, at least according to him, put all the blame on me and said leaving me would solve everything. The MC we see now has told him they behaved unethically, and I know he trusts her. The psychologist he has started seeing is someone she knows personally who will coordinate care with her. That gives me comfort because I know she is meticulous about whom she recommends. He absolutely hates counseling, but he is going through with it because he knows the MC has said this is the only way to save the marriage and he trusts her.

On the other hand, because he hates counseling, I don't know how much good it will do him. I know from my own experience you have to be willing to look deep into the muck and clean up whatever you find. I honestly don't think his issues are just with me. He shows many signs of depression. He has no self-esteem. The enmeshment problems are from his end as well. Whenever I read anything about enmeshment behavior, I can see both of us in it clearly. That's why I hope the time apart will give us a chance to see ourselves while also giving us some positive time together to re-establish a connection that isn't so bogged down in all the junk we keep bringing. 

He seems to think this has a good chance of working, which surprised me because he tends to be so negative. Right now my job is to prepare myself for what I know will be happening next weekend and then figure out how to get through six weeks of my life being very different from what I've come to know. In some ways that will be good because we won't be fighting, but in other ways, learning to handle my emotions and be singly responsible for something that was designed for two people to share will be hard.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Based on your background...perhaps the book _Codependent No More_ by Melodie Beattie would be useful to you.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Also, your posts are all about him...you are focusing on him too much. Look at yourself. What friendships can you strengthen? How can you begin to make new ones? What hobbies are you interested in starting or delving into deeper? What social groups do you belong to and how can you become more involved? What kind of activities do you enjoy, and how can you start to do more of them?

Focus on yourself...focusing on your husband is only going to drive you crazy and will not help you make it out of this a better person.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Arendt said:


> Based on your background...perhaps the book _Codependent No More_ by Melodie Beattie would be useful to you.


X2! 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FindingMyself (Apr 25, 2013)

I have ordered the book. It should be here tomorrow. I already had the Weiner-Davis book.

I have not been the one who has trouble with outside relationships. I'm an extroverted person with many friends, and I have a few with whom I have confided much of what's been going on. I actively pursue my hobbies. I'm a board member at my house of worship. I'm regarded as a work horse at my job because I am responsible and get things done. Those parts of my life don't need a lot of work. It's my marriage problems that keep me from being truly happy in the way I used to be.

I know I have my own issues to deal with. I've been dealing with them for many years, and I always know there is room for improvement. I need to make the most of this time in order to face my fears and deal with myself in ways I have not wanted to. I'm the kind of person who believes in self-improvement. I think that if people want to change, they can with the right help and the right tools. 

My husband wants to change, but because he has not had the right help and tools, he has not been able to. He also tends to be more pessimistic than I am. I am the kind of person who thinks most relationships can be saved if people work at it and really want it. I hope his counselor this time is useful to him and gives him an approach that will work.


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