# Relationship phobia or just broken?



## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

My back story is that I'm mid-50's and starting over. My marriage ended 4 years ago when my husband left for OW. It wasn't a particularly nasty divorce, since through life's circumstances, neither one of us was happy. I wish it hadn't been because of another woman and he wasn't a cheater, but I wasn't unhappy about being divorced either. We took our time settling divorce while kids finished school. I've been comfortable even though stressed, but have a good settlement, and I know I'll be fine no matter what. Once the dust settled of telling kids, sorting out my own mind, and the kids moved on to college, I started dating again. I've done many things for myself, and actually have reverted to a lot of who I was before marriage, plus some new things. I've really enjoyed myself lately, and have many new friends too.

Now, after sewing some oats, I find myself in a relationship... and it's freaking me out. I was not looking for a relationship, and actually was dating a couple guys (one of whom is much younger), but then connected with an old friend from years ago. We clicked. We very quickly fell into a wild and fun relationship. After a few months, I found we were meeting each other's kids, and it's turned into a full-blown, exclusive partnership, (nearly) living together. 90% of the time things are good. But it's the other 10% I question, and there are a couple little things that I have to quell in myself, plus a couple things I'm not sure about. 

My best friend calls me a runner. She says I run away as soon as things get "close". That certainly was true before I got married. I had been burned badly by my college love who I thought would be my husband. After that I spent 10 years just living for me and only me, having LOTS of fun, swearing to never settle down. The man I married I believed was a good man, but turned out to be a cheater. Burned again. 

Now I find myself swaying back and forth between loving my new guy and wishing he was gone. I think I don't trust... I don't want to get hurt again, so I want it over, but then I don't want it over. Then he does something that makes me think he's losing interest and I want it over... back and forth. I don't want to be hurt. I also don't want the relationship to end and still have to see the guy around town. He's a very old friend who I reconnected with. We are very very compatible in many ways. .... the 90%. We have very similar likes and interests. We do a lot together and enjoy each other's company. Our poilitical views are similar. Kids are same age and also very similar. Very independent as well. Just many ways very comfortable, fun, and easy to fall into.

But there are a few differences too, of course. I'm still figuring out how to be a good partner sometimes since I was alone most of the time with a husband who traveled. I've always been extremely do-it-myself type of woman, but I"m learning how to share responsibilities better, and be there for him too. But sometimes I've fallen short and he's been expecting me here or there, and I maybe didn't understand the expectation, and was surprised when he was angry I was late, or he was angry when he didn't get the message I was going here or there. But we've worked through those moments and it's allowed me to get him to really talk to me. (He won't use the L word, and explained once that he's used it too quick in the past when he was really into someone, and it seemed like it was over right after that. I said it a couple times to him, because I do feel it, but have backed off because he won't. I have made him say it by asking if he felt that way, but another time I also pointed out that he never tells me how he feels or indicates that without my prompting it. I think I'm also leery because I found out he told a mutual friend after a couple months he was "still on the fence". We are a few more months into this, and he seems in most every way, treating me as a full partner, without saying the L word. 

And then there is the compounding issue....
One area I'm starting to have my doubts with is sex. Like I said, we are mid-50's. The problem is I want way more than he does. I also think from listening to all my friends, this seems to be the norm for "our age". I had a much younger casual boyfriend for a while and we had a GREAT physical relationship. He still is one of my best friends now, but no longer have that kind of relationship. My current relationship started out hot and heavy as well, but very quickly after the holidays dropped away. I even had a talk with him about it, because I thought it was because he was no longer into being with me. As it turns out, I think this is a great source of stress for him. He has said a couple of time about his stuff barely working. It's hard to get him to open up about emotion things. He admits it. He also says that I do a better job of getting stuff out of him than anyone ever has. I was very blunt a couple months ago saying what I need, and asking about him. I pointed out that he at least needs to open up about it. I also finally said, I'm not interested in having just a roommate, but a true partner... He agreed that I deserved that and he wants that too. Yet... 

I have read a ton of stuff on low T, and midlife, ED, etc. I have read all I can about what I should do being a good and responsive partner. But i'm now getting to the point where I think I need to make a choice... forget about sex or forget about the guy. I actually have kept track of when was it last. (Mind you, when we first starting dating it was every day we were together, sometimes morning and night. He says he's never tried Viagara, but now I"m wondering). I honestly don't know what I want. I can't help but wonder if in a couple years, my own drive will diminish too, to the point of really not wanting much either and then I wouldn't care, and if so, am I throwing away a guy I really do like and think love, just because it's not 100% of what I "think" I want??? Or am I just finding excuses to not really work on this relationship, because it's become a domestic partnership? I did have a long phase in my marriage where sex went away (health scare, and bad patch in marriage, recovering from infidelity). Plus I have NO idea what dating and relationships after 50 are really like on average. Plus... this is the first serious relationship I've had with a man older than myself, albeit only a couple years older. My ex was 5 years younger, and my last BF, way younger than that. 

So get over myself and work on what I have, or say F-it and it keep on trucking?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe get some IC right? That would be the first thing. Does your boyfriend know about your FWB running in your crowd. That usually doesn't go over well. Just to let you know. If I were you I wouldn't go too young, you don't want to be imbalanced and great age differences can do that. 

As far as the idea that you run. Sounds like you are afraid of being hurt, but let me ask you, why? I mean no one wants to get hurt but you know you can survive it. Why not refrain your fear. It can't be worse right? You went through the worst and you survived. Why not see yourself as strong and a survivor who can handle it if someone does you wrong. That is what I took from the aftermath of being cheated on. That was one of the worst things that life can throw at me and I survived it. I am no longer afraid.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

No, my last fling is NOT part of my crowd, and only a couple person even know I was seeing a younger guy. I am very private with all that, and actually, this is also the first guy locally in my area I have been seeing. We both are very private, and both commented early on we were skittish about committing, and we both didn't really publicize we were dating. We were seen out and about a few times together and friends put two and two together. Only his best friend who is a mutual friend knew about it for a month.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

My childhood friend's mother had the advice... just go with it as long as you are having fun, until something better comes along. My heart wants this to work, but my head is saying don't go there. 

I guess I need and want to feel sure. I want to feel secure. I want to trust. I want to feel wanted. And I want to be satisfied. But reality also tells me that no one is single in their mid-50's without having some baggage. 

As far as younger... I know it's not good for long term and domestic. But it sure as hell is a TON of fun. I've refound so much of the old me through the younger attention. It's been GREAT. I have to say, the younger crowd has a whole different set of expectations and ideas on body image, etc. I feel less self-conscious about my post-baby body with the younger man than now. Weird.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Why not refrain your fear. It can't be worse right? You went through the worst and you survived. Why not see yourself as strong and a survivor who can handle it if someone does you wrong. That is what I took from the aftermath of being cheated on. That was one of the worst things that life can throw at me and I survived it. I am no longer afraid.


Very Good Point! I need to keep telling myself this. Maybe I"m lapsing back into thinking every man is like my POS-ex. A cheater. Didn't do much for my self-esteem. I've regained so much, maybe i'm afraid I'll sacrifice it again because of yet another man. But this time I'm not building a home, family and career. I need to get telling myself that. 

Again and again.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FoxinSocks said:


> No, my last fling is NOT part of my crowd, and only a couple person even know I was seeing a younger guy. I am very private with all that, and actually, this is also the first guy locally in my area I have been seeing. We both are very private, and both commented early on we were skittish about committing, and we both didn't really publicize we were dating. We were seen out and about a few times together and friends put two and two together. Only his best friend who is a mutual friend knew about it for a month.


If I were you I would make sure he finds out from you about your history with this guy if he is going to be sticking around, or if you intend to have a long term friendship with him. I would not be real happy if say years down the line I found out one of my wife's long term male friends was an ex FWB and I was never told that. The dynamic is different.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FoxinSocks said:


> Very Good Point! I need to keep telling myself this. Maybe I"m lapsing back into thinking every man is like my POS-ex. A cheater. Didn't do much for my self-esteem. I've regained so much, maybe i'm afraid I'll sacrifice it again because of yet another man. But this time I'm not building a home, family and career. I need to get telling myself that.
> 
> Again and again.


Love is a gift. You give it to someone. How they treat it has nothing to do with you or it's worthiness. Be the best you can be. Strive to do right and get you self confidence and self esteem from that, not people and you will really start to lose that fear. Being the best most honorable person you can be is really the only thing in this life you have control over. Think about it wealth, people, beauty, status are at their most basic completely out of your control. But how you treat others and yourself can be completely up to you. Because of that it's the one thing you should judge yourself on. That is where your true worth comes from. 

If you think this way you can actually game your life. It will make you treat others who deserve it well and you will feel good about that, this will also give you great long lasting relationships. It will also help you protect yourself from people who are not worthy of you effort. You will disconnect from them and feel good about that as well. You won't allow yourself to be abused because you know your worth. 

If you want, give this man the gift of your love and relationship as long as he deserves it, but if he does something that makes him lose that deserving then you leave and know you did nothing wrong and that says nothing about you, he was just no longer worthy. Take pride in the fact that you were strong enough to protect yourself. And as far as your history take pride in the fact that you were strong enough to survive and give someone else a chance at love with you. 

OK that was my guru talk, I am starting to annoy myself with my obnoxiousness.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is such a hard choice.

To have fun or to have stability.

Life will solve your 'problem'.
You will 'age' out of this.

Your present BF is perfect for you except with regard to intimacy. 
You need more sex, he is typical for this age, lacking in this regard.

The biggest problem you face is losing him.
He will hard to replace.

Finding younger men for fun and sex will be much easier.
Until....

Until, you lose enough beauty to age, the next generation of men will then be at 'this now' BF's age.

You are battling a moving target. An aging target.
Your' age is moving higher, your potential future lover's age, will also be climbing.
It is a losing battle. 

It will certainly follow the Law of Diminishing Returns.

What you have now will be hard, not impossible, to duplicate.

The ideal situation wold be to have the BF as the main dish. A younger man as a side dish.

This, of course, would be deceitful, would be selfish.

Therefore, not reccomended by me.

The BF needs to step up. Not an easy thing to do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I realize I didn't comment on the sex stuff. That is not a good sign and should be talked about. I would not compromise on this if it is going to lead to unhappiness down the line. Sex is one of the pillars of a relationship in my mind.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm 54 (not that you asked, but my stuff still works fine (knock on wood...no pun intended LOL )) 

The way I see it, you are a full grown adult woman, you are single, your kids are young adults - do whatever you want. 

As far as all this baggage and fear of getting hurt etc..... it's just part of the game. 

You can get suited up, walk out onto the field and take your chances and play. 

..... or you can sit on the sidelines and watch other people play. 


I know there isn't really any actual advice in any of that. But at our age do you really need any and does any of it really matter. 

I don't know about you, but at 54 I don't really have much tolerance for other people's crap anymore, and as long as I am not hurting any puppies or starving children, I don't care all that much about what other people think. 

Don't be a wuss that's afraid to live because of fear of what happened in college 30 years ago. and do what you want.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

FoxinSocks said:


> My childhood friend's mother had the advice... just go with it as long as you are having fun, until something better comes along. My heart wants this to work, but my head is saying don't go there.
> 
> I guess I need and want to feel sure. I want to feel secure. I want to trust. I want to feel wanted. And I want to be satisfied. But reality also tells me that no one is single in their mid-50's without having some baggage.
> 
> As far as younger... I know it's not good for long term and domestic. But it sure as hell is a TON of fun. I've refound so much of the old me through the younger attention. It's been GREAT. I have to say, the younger crowd has a whole different set of expectations and ideas on body image, etc. I feel less self-conscious about my post-baby body with the younger man than now. Weird.


I’m younger than you but I would offer this advice.
If something is broken you fix it,if it can’t be fixed you either accept this or replace it.
There are things he can do to increase his libido whether it be testosterone shots or viagra.If he doesn’t want to fix things then my advice is to replace him.
Also if you are single and want and can attract a younger man then go for it.
Better to wake up smelling cologne than liniment.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I don't know about you, but at 54 I don't really have much tolerance for other people's crap anymore, and as long as I am not hurting any puppies or starving children, I don't care all that much about what other people think.
> 
> Don't be a wuss that's afraid to live because of fear of what happened in college 30 years ago. and do what you want.


My fear comes from the two men I truly gave my heart and soul to (not just FB's or FWB), ripped it out and ate it for breakfast. I was married for 18 years. POSex cheated when my little kids were two and four. I stuck with it because many changes had happened, our histories, circumstances of the moment.. blah blah. I eventually calmed down from that, but never forgot. It was an extremely stressful time, and we were in between cities (he traveled and relocated for work), and I kids in tow. I went through absolute H&LL with that, so I know I can survive that ****. Then I had a serious health scare which took two years of hell to know if I was going to live or die. When I finally got the all clear from that, POS told me he was leaving for a younger woman. At that point, I was devastated for about, oh... two weeks! Then I stopped and thought, you know what? I'm alive and I don't give a hoot anymore about him if he did that to me while I was recuperating. Not there for "the worse", then not giving any more tears. I was as faithful to the bitter end in all those years. At least I can indeed take that to my grave. I was no saint before marriage, and I was no saint after divorce court. But when I give you word, I'll die on the sword by it. 

Reading everybody's thoughts help me process. I'm very analytical and can be cold and ruthless, so I can cut bait easily... once my mind is made up. I truly care about this man and don't want to cut bait. I certainly will not until we've had more talks about the intimacy. And it's not really just the sex in the act itself. It's the closeness and making me feel desired and wanted. That's what my FWB did for me. Gain all that back, but without the relationship baggage. If he were about 15 years older, it probably would be a good relationship, but he's too young. It is fun and exciting, thrilling, yeah... all those words used for thrill seekers.

I wasn't even looking for a relationship when my current guy happened. We were good friends way back. I even chased him a bit way back, but nothing ever came of it. We re-met through a mutual love for motorcycles and it all just happened. Before I knew it, months had gone by and we were getting into heavy duty talks, sharing, and becoming a true couple. It's been a learning experience for me. I swore never again, but this just happened. It would be perfect if I could get him to open up more, and if he were more expressive with me. I don't want to guess. Is that stress from me and wanting out, or from work and other crap? It's my hang-up. I lived with an emotionally blunted, non-communicative man for 20 years. Not doing it again. I've said that out loud too.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

Any tips on how to approach the low sex drive again? I know it bothers him, because in different ways but talking about it directly isn't easy. I'll approach it again, when the time and place is right. The more I chew on this and after reading comments, I really do want this to work. I do think I'm in love with him (although I talk myself out of it at times). And he's a partner in life activities like I've never had before. Common interests. Common lifestyle. Common pursuits.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Maybe get some IC right? That would be the first thing. Does your boyfriend know about your FWB running in your crowd. That usually doesn't go over well. Just to let you know. If I were you I wouldn't go too young, you don't want to be imbalanced and great age differences can do that.
> 
> As far as the idea that you run. Sounds like you are afraid of being hurt, but let me ask you, why? I mean no one wants to get hurt but you know you can survive it. Why not refrain your fear. It can't be worse right? You went through the worst and you survived. Why not see yourself as strong and a survivor who can handle it if someone does you wrong. That is what I took from the aftermath of being cheated on. That was one of the worst things that life can throw at me and I survived it. I am no longer afraid.


*You guys are so ahead of me in that damned near every woman I seldom approach, or approaches me, or whose profile that I see on a dating app ~ I just have this ingrained set of thinking of not even talking to her because, like my prior two wives, they'd end up cheating also!

After a man had been cheated on twice in as many marriages, ones whole line of rationale with women changes, more especially when one is in his mid-60's!

Regarding your own situation, @FoxinSocks ~ I don't think that you're of that same nature as I, and I think that you're doing fine! Unless a red flag turns up in any of these new guys, just go and enjoy yourself! You'll know when the right guy comes along!*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Your past traumas were real. 

But the conditions are now different. You no longer have to feed small children. You have your own income and depend on no one. 

Don't let the pain of past traumas dictate your future actions.

In regards to the intimacy issue, everyone has a price of admission that they need to be in a healthy and happy relationship.

State your price of admission up front and then it is up to him whether he will pay or not.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He sounds like he could be a good friend. Friend zone him.

It's odd that just a few months ago his equipment worked daily (sometimes twice daily) and now it doesn't. He expressed doubt to a friend and now can't get it up. Won't say the L word (although, it is too soon for that) and you have to pull every little thing out of him.

Combined with him getting upset when you slip your leash - friend zone him. Find another project to occupy your time. Don't settle.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m younger than you but I would offer this advice.
> If something is broken you fix it,if it can’t be fixed you either accept this or replace it.
> There are things he can do to increase his libido whether it be testosterone shots or viagra.If he doesn’t want to fix things then my advice is to replace him.
> Also if you are single and want and can attract a younger man then go for it.
> *Better to wake up smelling cologne than liniment.*


Ouch!

Your turn is a-coming..

Stock up now on Ben-Gay.
The boomers have cleared the shelves of it!

Remember, it is Ben Gay, not Been Gay!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Ouch!
> 
> Your turn is a-coming..
> 
> ...


Try Absorbine horse liniment. It smells like spearmint and works better than Ben Gay (or, so I'm told). A friend uses it on her knees for arthritis and other ailments. Another friend uses it for his back pain.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > Ouch!
> ...


Is it any good for a pain in the neck. Lol.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Is it any good for a pain in the neck. Lol.


Probably! My friend also uses it on her butt cheeks for sciatica, so there ya go.:wink2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Try Absorbine horse liniment. It smells like spearmint and works better than Ben Gay (or, so I'm told). A friend uses it on her knees for arthritis and other ailments. Another friend uses it for his back pain.


OK!

Just stay away from pastures.
Stallions......and mares.

They will smell you coming and sense you familiar......that's enough. I need not say more. :grin2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> He sounds like he could be a good friend. Friend zone him.
> 
> It's odd that just a few months ago his equipment worked daily (sometimes twice daily) and now it doesn't. He expressed doubt to a friend and now can't get it up. Won't say the L word (although, it is too soon for that) and you have to pull every little thing out of him.
> 
> Combined with him getting upset when you slip your leash - friend zone him. Find another project to occupy your time. Don't settle.


I hope you are right. :|


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *You guys are so ahead of me in that damned near every woman I seldom approach, or approaches me, or whose profile that I see on a dating app ~ I just have this ingrained set of thinking of not even talking to her because, like my prior two wives, they'd end up cheating also!
> 
> After a man had been cheated on twice in as many marriages, ones whole line of rationale with women changes, more especially when one is in his mid-60's!
> 
> Regarding your own situation, @FoxinSocks ~ I don't think that you're of that same nature as I, and I think that you're doing fine! Unless a red flag turns up in any of these new guys, just go and enjoy yourself! You'll know when the right guy comes along!*


I'm sorry for that. The only way to get through it is to have courage. I have moments of worry even now, but then I remind myself what's the worst thing that could happen. My life wouldn't end their would still be more days and more people out there. I know not everyone cheats because I know I don't cheat and I can't be the only one.


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Just talk to him. I have been married 17 years and my wife and I had a heart to heart talk about our frequency of sex at about year 5 into our marriage although everything else was perfect. I have always had a very high sex drive and hers was starting to decline. Anyways, I knew I would not continue our marriage if this was how it was going to be for here on out. She knew I wasn’t kidding and ever since that talk things have been golden. If you have the talk and he’s not willing to change, try Viagra or what not then just put him to the curb. Anyone with the name Foxinsocks shouldn’t have a problem finding what you want.


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## FoxinSocks (Apr 14, 2016)

241happyhour said:


> Just talk to him. ........ If you have the talk and he’s not willing to change, try Viagra or what not then just put him to the curb. Anyone with the name Foxinsocks shouldn’t have a problem finding what you want.


Ok, I've brought it up again and had half a talk. I don't want to pressure too much about just the sex, but I have made it clear that I need MORE... more affection, more closeness... not just a roommate. I told him that my favorite time of day now is right when we go to bed, because he snuggles. Even without the sex, that is when I feel closest. 

I really just can't put my finger on what the deal is. I truly believe he's not looking for anything else, and he's committed to a relationship, but I also threw his words back at him. When we talked about how he can't express feelings, he had said "actions speak louder than words". This talk I pointed that out, indeed, and that NON-actions also speak louder than words too. I also pointed out how we both have expressed not wanting to be like our parents, who NEVER showed any affection... never said I love you to either each other or to their kids (us and siblings). I did my best to say it all in a way of "I don't want to keep you here if you're not really into doing this". As in... it's about you and if you really don't want this, it's ok. I really and truly just want to understand, and I want him to tell me WTF is going on inside of HIM. But at the same time, I'm getting closer to giving him the boot. I really do like him and, like the things we do together which is a lot... almost like a married couple, but I want more than what I'm getting. I find myself becoming reserved in touching or trying to initiate, because rejection sucks. I'm also finding it harder to not be looking elsewhere. Summer is here, and I spend a LOT of time on the road between networking for work, and a couple of groups I'm in. It's very social.

I still feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I have days where I'm happy to think about what I'll make us for supper and we go poking around antique places or junk yards, and then I have other days where my Wild Child emerges and all I want to do is ride my bike, flirt in all the bars, and just plain be irresponsible having a midlife crisis funtime. Furthermore, I work in the entertainment industry, so summer time is the high time for events, always with social network as well, so I don't lack for outlets. In the end, I'm frustrated as hell. and even FWB is looking mighty good again


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