# Full transperancy or stealth mode?



## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Ok - I've hidden something from my wife. A while back ago I received an email from an unknown person from a generic yahoo account. I did make the mistake of replying back but at the time the email really aggravated me. Now I'm having doubts and wondering. Here is the exchange:

Unknown person: right now your wife is meeting someone at ****** park. sorry to have to be the one to tell u

me: Who is this?!?

Unknown person: that isn't important. i'm very sorry.

me: your wrong, don't email me again

Unknown person: sorry that it hurts

That was 6 weeks ago.

I've admitted on this site about things being a bit rocky in our marriage but I can't say I've suspected anything. This email however eventually got the best of me and I'm flipping back and forth between being pissed at myself for letting it bother me to telling myself I need to verify.

At this point I haven't said anything to my W. At first it was because it felt wrong running to her and showing her the crap that I received. My belief then was that it was a prank or something else. Over time and as we have some iffy or bad moments then the doubt creeped in.

Would you go full full transparency and show/discuss with the other spouse. Or would you go stealthy and verify on your own. To be honest most of the time I'm not letting it get to me but I'm just insecure enough to wonder on occasion - which I can't stand. Reading through the Coping with Infidelity section has helped but it has also added to that insecurity - but that's my problem.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'd do a little checking behind the scenes but I'm a big advocate of "inspect what you expect." I just pick up my wife's phone from time to time - I don't and have no reason to suspect a thing but it's something I do. In your situation I'd pay a little closer attention for a little while. If I didn't find anything that worried me pretty quick I'd be back to business as usual. If I did find something, well I'd start paying more attention until I got convinced either way.

I will say this. I work in a position that makes me fairly visible to the public and I have learned to never swing at a pitch where the accuser remains anonymous - never. My experience has been that anyone who tells you something like that and remains hidden has an agenda of their own. I steadfastly ignore anything from an anonymous source.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Go into stealth investigative mode about everything

Phone, computer, messages----movements, change in pattern, dress, body appearance----to and from errands, work---everything

Why would someone send you that message unless it had some merit

Take it seriously---do not let your wife know anything till you have hard evidence---she will just go underground and continue


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Depends on the email account and the validity of the info (like the name of the park and the time in question). If I got an email like that I'd probably have to go into stealth mode and investigate.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I would investigate. Sounds exactly like how I would inform the OM's girlfriend in my situation.

But don't do anything crazy in case it is a prank. Just check th phone records, and text messaging if you have access. 

If you find that you don't have access to the phone bills.....she is hiding something..


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Keylogger, phone records - look for recurring numbers text and telephone, her phone - get the contacts list to verify records and check deleted messages and texts. Face book messages, email including sent and trash. Stealth on all accounts. DO NOT reveal exactly what you find or where you found it because she will delete and go underground. Keep copies of anything you do find. If you have access check work phone and email. In marriage there is no such thing as privacy for these areas - if a spouse thinks there is then there must be something to hide. Last but not least - you could put a voice activated recorder in her car - make sure it's well hidden. I would do the first things in this list. Then the VAR last. Does she have an iphone?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'd go into investgation mode, no question about it.

Assuming the park in question is known to you, and you & your wife do not frequent this park together, if your digging turns up empty you could unexpectedly spring an "innocent" question and watch her immediate response very, very intensely... "So, honey...I was thinking, xxxxx park is realllllly nice and is supposed to be a great place, very romantic even, so I hear. Have you been there?" 

Could be a very telling response either way.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

My advise is run in stealth mode, there had to be a reason that someone sent you that email............
Start checking email and there are several great devices out there that can help you as well.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> My advise is run in stealth mode, there had to be a reason that someone sent you that email............
> Start checking email and there are several great devices out there that can help you as well.


This is for sure but it it not necessarily the obvious one. I agree I'd do some checking but I wouldn't do anything that treats her like a liar based solely on an email from an anonymous source.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you still have the yahoo email account you can find out the ip address it was sent from unless someone is extremely clever about such things.

Google about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> Ok - I've hidden something from my wife. A while back ago I received an email from an unknown person from a generic yahoo account. I did make the mistake of replying back but at the time the email really aggravated me. Now I'm having doubts and wondering. Here is the exchange:
> 
> Unknown person: right now your wife is meeting someone at ****** park. sorry to have to be the one to tell u
> 
> ...


We can assume here from your response that what was being written was plausible.

Meaning the park exists near where she could be. She was not near you at the time. You did not say what time of day or night this was. 

You caould have called her call phone right then with any number of possible outcomes but data is data. 

I don't reply to generic yahoo accounts. Would I in this case, probably not. If what was written was plausible, I probably would do a little research and at some point tell my wife about it. I mean where was she supposed to be then? Work? Visiting a sick friend?


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Some more info - the email was from around the lunch hour and it is a park near her work and not one that we have frequented. It's anonymous and I don't give it a lot of credibility but my alpha male/man up psyche just isn't 100%. It just put that damn nagging thought in the back of my head. I hate having that little bit of doubt based on one anonymous email. We aren't in a good place as a couple - and I have learned a lot but we have a long way to go. I feel bad responding to the email and then even worse letting it get to me. Thanks for the input everyone.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Everything is action and reaction, the key is proportion. Based on that email would I go out and buy a VAR, key logger software, or hire a PI - no. But I would pick up her phone frequently for a few days, check her email for a few days, maybe call her out of the blue during her lunch to see how she reacts. I would look in the obvious places and if I saw nothing else I'd let it go - but I wouldn't forget it. If you get another email in the near future, I'd probably look again, maybe a little more diligently. If I got something after that I'd look very hard and if I still didn't find anything I'd probably ask my wife if she had any idea what all the crazy emails are about. Think of it like this. If you faintly smell smoke in a room, do you instantly run out and come charging back in with a fire hose? Nope, you go investigate. If you find nothing further you sit back down at the TV. If you find more you keep investigating until you either decide it's nothing or you go get that hose. Same thing here. There is no reason to feel guilty for inspecting what you expect. Just don't convict your wife of something before she has been proven guilty.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Is there anyone who works with her, that you know, that could help you see what's going on tween her and the guys she works with----this could very well have come from someone at her work, who has their own specific reasons for "outing" her, and those reasons could be many

Take this seriously, people basically do not send out messages of this type for no reason at all----

I know you wanna ignore this, and chalk it up to being BS---but you have to know that a very high % of A's are gotten away with completely---the betrayed spouse never knew a thing, and never will----so take this seriously----consider it as a gift to you, for it is, even tho it may be a gift that brings horrible pain with it---it is better to know, than be the victim, and never know.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

The word "park" triggered me. I'm married to a cop and he tells me all time about how people cheat/hook up at parks. Some of them end up being quite scandalous (think married teacher and underage student).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> Some more info - the email was from around the lunch hour and it is a park near her work and not one that we have frequented. It's anonymous and I don't give it a lot of credibility but my alpha male/man up psyche just isn't 100%. It just put that damn nagging thought in the back of my head. I hate having that little bit of doubt based on one anonymous email. *We aren't in a good place as a couple *- and I have learned a lot but we have a long way to go. I feel bad responding to the email and then even worse letting it get to me. Thanks for the input everyone.


The information you just provided makes this "plausible". Only that there is nothing that is outright wrong. If the park is near her work and this was around lunchtime, that is logistically plausible..

The fact that you are not in a good place in your marriage gives this more credance than it might otherwise. 

This was not likely random spam.

I would investigate further.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Looking at this, and some of your previous threads you have started, it indicates you have had some issues in your marriage for quite a few months/years...

I say ignore at your peril.

I would think what you have described previously and now this, i'd say their is a high percentage that the email was geinuine.

You must investigate


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

You shouldn't feel bad for letting this get to you, that is entirely normal. Regardless of your situation an email like this is going to create suspicion, that is the intended result. Why would someone want to make you suspect your wife of cheating on you? That is not the kind of thing people typically do without significant motivation. 

Have you considered asking the anonymous person for more info? 

If they tell you she is at the park again, could you get there fast enough to see for yourself?

From what you describe, I think the most plausible explanation is that a co-worker of your wife knows or suspects your wife of cheating and is trying to do you a favor.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

My first thought was prank - childish but probable. Then I thought about someone trying to create problems. In my wife's profession she has a lot of respect but there are a number of people who she isn't popular with - nature of the job, I know she is wonderful at it but it is full of thankless and problematic decisions. I'm pretty much in the background and can't really think of anyone caring enough to try to bother me. It being fake either seems rather childish or rather like something for a made for TV movie.

On the real side it could be someone trying to make things know without confronting her or exposing themselves too much. The park is close enough and I've held off driving by it myself for a number of lunches!

Thanks for the input.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> Then I thought about someone trying to create problems. In my wife's profession she has a lot of respect but there are a number of people who she isn't popular with - nature of the job, I know she is wonderful at it but it is full of thankless and problematic decisions. I'm pretty much in the background and can't really think of anyone caring enough to try to bother me. It being fake either seems rather childish or rather like something for a made for TV movie.


This kind of thing is exactly why I don't respond visibly to anything from an anonymous source. People do do this kind of thing just to create [email protected] in someones world. I've seen it way too many times. If she's got any kind of visibility or confrontation to her position it is just as likely as not that it's someone just trying to give her grief. I know I'm in the minority here, but I've seen this way more than I would like to have.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I know I'm in the minority here, but I've seen this way more than I would like to have.


In what context? I can remember cruel pranks of this nature in elementary school, but I can't see a sane adult doing something like this without believing it's true. Do people really go around just trying to start crap in other people's lives?

I guess I'm naive, but I just can't imagine hating a someone so viciously that I would try to destroy their marriage with lies. With the truth, yes perhaps, if I believed they were a truly evil person and I was certain they were cheating on their spouse...


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> The park is close enough and I've held off driving by it myself for a number of lunches!
> 
> Thanks for the input.


Why haven't you? It's worth it to reassure yourself. Just pick a random day a few times each week and head over there for a walk, if nothing else you will get some exercise. 
I try to imagine what it would be like if someone sent me an email like yours, the doubt would gnaw at me until I did something about it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ren said:


> In what context? I can remember cruel pranks of this nature in elementary school, but I can't see a sane adult doing something like this without believing it's true. Do people really go around just trying to start crap in other people's lives?


I'm afraid so. I've seen it aimed at others (my employees) and been the target myself. It's not always something like what the OP got, I've had accusations of drugs, porn at work, you name it. It's just designed to get someone to react out of reflex against the target and make their life miserable for a while. The email he got just sounded too similar to things I've gotten in the past wanting me to go interrogate a good employee for some onerous accusation with no other proof whatsoever. I've always ignored them and never once has one later been proven correct - not once. 

But then again maybe you're probably right that "sane" adults don't do this, just the immature and childish ones...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> My first thought was prank - childish but probable. Then I thought about someone trying to create problems. In my wife's profession she has a lot of respect but there are a number of people who she isn't popular with - nature of the job, I know she is wonderful at it but it is full of thankless and problematic decisions. I'm pretty much in the background and can't really think of anyone caring enough to try to bother me. It being fake either seems rather childish or rather like something for a made for TV movie.
> 
> On the real side it could be someone trying to make things know without confronting her or exposing themselves too much. The park is close enough and I've held off driving by it myself for a number of lunches!
> 
> Thanks for the input.




Lunch time, you don't know where your wife actually is. People love parks to cheat in that time of day. Trouble at home. Tipster emails husband. Anyone taking bets yet? 

I would be on this like Sherlock Holmes ! If it is not true you need to find out who the tipster is to protect your wife/ family. Online harassment is illegal. Also, if nothing comes up, tell your wife about the email and tell her you are going to the police and the will be able to track the sender. Watch closely for a guilty reaction.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Update. Maybe I should have listened to Sigma. I went keylogger, phone records, email, facebook, and mobile spyware. Which is possibly overboard but I wanted to cover my bases. Nothing on computer, email, or computer. Nothing suspicious on phone. Even cracked the cell voice mail and a few other things. Nothing. Work email and voice mail I could do but I think I will draw the line there.

Then today I just received this email from the same person. "subject - yum. I saw you tonight. I knew you were cute but yo are really hot. Anytime you want payback just let me know. I'm slim, trim, and lots of fun."

Soooooo...........I know I'm not really hot and.........this seems like someone trying to **** with us. The IP returns back to a mobile yahoo ip address range and since no laws are broken I'm a bit limited. At this time I'm not biting. Nobody solicits that way I would suspect - I'm not that rich, handsome, or powerful.

Now, I do feel better knowing that things seem ok but I also feel dirty for doing this. I probably went overboard but honestly it was way too easy. I feel like I really violated some space here. If I meet this person I feel like i could actually crack skulls.

I'm thinking I should keep quiet and not bring up anything to the wife and hope I hear now more. Or should I just come clean on the emails? I'm pretty tempted to do that as well. Sorry for sounding wishy washy but I am. If this was some 2 bit tv movie I could see some character going through this stupidity. I'm hoping it is a stupid prank and not somebody trying to cause friction.....lord knows I don't need it.

i do appreciate everyone's feedback.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> I'm thinking I should keep quiet and not bring up anything to the wife and hope I hear now more. Or should I just come clean on the emails?


I'm always inclined towards radical honesty but this is such an odd situation I really think you are best off not sharing the emails with the wife at this time. I would write this anonymous person back saying "thanks but I'm happily married" and then forget about this whole thing as best you can. 
If this is someone who knows something they will try to prove it. If it's someone messing with you they will know they failed. If it's your wife pulling some kind of weird test on you she will feel reassured. No matter what you win.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Totally weird, can't wait to see others opinion. Could still be true about wife but definitely looks clean. If its someone shes working with she simply may not need to contact with email etc. I would still crack work email etc. as all this is so bizarre. 
Seems odd emailer would try to throw your wife under the bus unless he/she thought you would be particularly vulnerable to that suggestion. 
Could it be your wife testing you? 
I think you should ask emailer why he/she thinks your wife is cheating and with whom as soon as possible. She evidently knew your wife was at work and you would not really know where she was at her lunch hour. I can't believe it is just a prank but stranger things have happened.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"subject - yum. I saw you tonight. I knew you were cute but yo are really hot. Anytime you want payback just let me know. I'm slim, trim, and lots of fun."

Were you somewhere someone could have actually seen you?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Block the email it's likely a scam
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Personally I would never reply to such emails, I'd delete/block/whatever and ignore.

Do you think they're likely to have emailed your wife as well? Sounds like someone is up to some mischief. Or could just be some scam.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

chapparal said:


> Totally weird, can't wait to see others opinion. Could still be true about wife but definitely looks clean. If its someone shes working with she simply may not need to contact with email etc. I would still crack work email etc. as all this is so bizarre.
> Seems odd emailer would try to throw your wife under the bus unless he/she thought you would be particularly vulnerable to that suggestion.
> Could it be your wife testing you?
> I think you should ask emailer why he/she thinks your wife is cheating and with whom as soon as possible. She evidently knew your wife was at work and you would not really know where she was at her lunch hour. I can't believe it is just a prank but stranger things have happened.


My thoughts - wife testing you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

I was at an event at my wife's work so it's credible. It could be a test but I normally wouldn't think so. So, I failed part one by 'verifying'. Or maybe I was supposed to go all alpha and be jealous. I think I may do a simple reply back with a decline and a request to not email again regardless. Maybe pass part two. Although this comes across as someone who knows my wife and in some ways knows me. I don't think my wife has said anything about our situation to anyone at work but sometimes you can just simply tell. Now it kind of bothers me that someone would be that cruel. I believe this to be 90% a crock of **** and the remaining 10% a possibility. 

Regardless, I think cutting ties and keeping quiet is the approach. Treat it like a bad joke and not give it any credibility.......now. Thanks everyone. I appreciate the input - it wasn't like I could go ask anyone else.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Viper - remember just because some has a motivation to tell you something - doesn't mean it's not true.

You could be getting led on by someone who has it in for the OM and wants to screw it up for him by outing the affair.

Don't block the email, you might want to hear what they have to say.

Did you consider asking them for the name of who she's supposed to be fooling around with?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My take - I'd show it all to your wife. If it's someone trying to make grief for you and/or your wife and they're determined enough to be two emails in now, the two of you need to be united on it. The intent of someone like this is to create suspicion between you. If you conceal something and this person manages to clue your wife in and she discovers you have a secret it will get difficult very fast. Think of where you'd be if your search hadn't come up clean. Trust the person you love and make sure that she knows what you know so there can be no surprises. Do not respond to that email in any shape or form.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Viper - remember just because some has a motivation to tell you something - doesn't mean it's not true.
> 
> You could be getting led on by someone who has it in for the OM and wants to screw it up for him by outing the affair.
> 
> ...


Really, I cannot see the downside of questioning the emailer unless your just afraid of what you may find out. You need to find out who the emailer is in any event if at all possible. There's a snake in paradise but as of now you have no idea if it is telling the truth. Snake evidently knows something about what has or is going on.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

One more thought. If it is someone coming after your wife - which more and more I think it is. She needs to know as you may not be the only avenue this person tries to exploit. If you don't let your W know what's going on and she gets blind sided by something at work and it later comes out that you knew someone was making trouble and could have warned her it won't be the best situation in the world. 

I say again. I don't trust anything from an anonymous source. You did your investigating and it came up clean. You may have been more zealous about it than I would have but you did what you needed to put your mind at ease. Now get behind the person you love. Someone is trying to cause her grief - help her.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> One more thought. If it is someone coming after your wife - which more and more I think it is. She needs to know as you may not be the only avenue this person tries to exploit. If you don't let your W know what's going on and she gets blind sided by something at work and it later comes out that you knew someone was making trouble and could have warned her it won't be the best situation in the world.
> 
> I say again. I don't trust anything from an anonymous source. You did your investigating and it came up clean. You may have been more zealous about it than I would have but you did what you needed to put your mind at ease. Now get behind the person you love. Someone is trying to cause her grief - help her.


If a 'friend' were having an affair and I wanted to give a heads up - I'd do it anonymously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with Sigma. You shouldn't feel guilty and don't need to say more to your wife than I checked phone records. You did what you needed to do because you love her and needed to setlle your mind. Do tell your wife about the email and the following one but preface it with you love her and don't believe it is anything more than someone trying to cause trouble. Then tell her about the first and show her the second. Ask her if TOGETHER she would like to play this person into the open with your wife involved every step of the way. Then play the game and see if you can get a name and phone number. Once you have it there is nothing to prevent both you and your wife from filing harassment charges or at a minimum outing this slimy woman at work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Why? Why would you want to hide? Personally, and this is just my personal opinion, if someone is not willing to put their identity behind an accusation it is cowardly and therefore not worth listening to. And, I've got lot's of personal experience to back up that opinion. Maybe I just work in a position that exposes me to more jerks, maybe I work in a position that is more subject to confrontation - I suspect both of things are true; but like I said I have never, not once, seen an accusation from an anonymous source be proven correct. The OP himself fundamentally proved the accusation against his wife to be false. Does that mean he shouldn't pay attention and inspect what he expects? Certainly not, but he needs to stop putting any merit in a (now proven false) accusation from someone who doesn't even have the fortitude to identify themselves and put his faith in the person he loves. Again, all just my opinion.


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