# Pornography = Betrayal/Infidelity



## Mattnben (Sep 13, 2015)

My partner and I are in a gay relationship. We have been together for 6 years now. We always have agreed that pornography is disgusting and not what we wanted inside a relationship. We also agreed we would never masturbate. There was a time a few years ago that I found pornography on the computer, confronted him to which he denied, and I just let it go and forgot about it. Since then, there have been a few instances in which I masturbated to pornography as well, keeping it from my partner. 

Most recently, there was a day where he was overly stressed and I selfishly felt as if I had done anything wrong, even though he never directly said that I did. So, I told him to relax in his chair with his feet up and I would give him time to wind down while I work on a gift I was making him in the bedroom. The gift was a scrapbook that I had been working on for almost a year to make up for a big blow up fight that happened the year prior. After completing a new page, I stopped working on that and proceeded to masturbate while looking at pornography. During the act, he got a suspicion and called me out of the room. Backed into a corner, I walked out and he saw that I had an erection that I was trying to hide. He asked if I was jerking off and I lied at first. After about 10 minutes I came clean and admitted to the entire thing. He came clean about times in the past that he has and I revealed times in the past that I had.

This turned into a 2 month fight about what I had done, how much of a betrayal it was with him right in the other room, how worthless I made him feel and unwanted, and how disgusting I am for doing that. I handled this improperly and was defensive, tried pointing out the times that he has, arguing, being *****y, and acting as if I didn't care. All along, I care tremendously about fixing things, rebuilding trust, and proving that I'll never do that again and that he is all that I want, think about, fantasize about, and need for the rest of my life. He was looking for me to be overly emotional and crying to prove I was sorry and I found it very difficult to show my emotion. I didn't know how to fix it because i dug myself into a deep hole.

After about 2 months, I finally started making progress, showing emotion, and trying to make up for this. I'm trying to show my attraction sexually, do positive things for him, surprise him, reassure him, show him my remorse, and move things forward. 

Has anybody been in this situation? How do I prove that the pornography had nothing to do with a lack of attraction? How do I prove that he is all I want? How do I rebuild trust? How do I make up for what I've done? Any input at all on the entire situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You both attend relationship counsellors and talk through your issues. Individual counselling might be of benefit, too.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Mattnben said:


> My partner and I are in a gay relationship. We have been together for 6 years now. We always have agreed that pornography is disgusting and not what we wanted inside a relationship. We also agreed we would never masturbate. There was a time a few years ago that I found pornography on the computer, confronted him to which he denied, and I just let it go and forgot about it. Since then, there have been a few instances in which I masturbated to pornography as well, keeping it from my partner.
> 
> Most recently, there was a day where he was overly stressed and I selfishly felt as if I had done anything wrong, even though he never directly said that I did. So, I told him to relax in his chair with his feet up and I would give him time to wind down while I work on a gift I was making him in the bedroom. The gift was a scrapbook that I had been working on for almost a year to make up for a big blow up fight that happened the year prior. After completing a new page, I stopped working on that and proceeded to masturbate while looking at pornography. During the act, he got a suspicion and called me out of the room. Backed into a corner, I walked out and he saw that I had an erection that I was trying to hide. He asked if I was jerking off and I lied at first. After about 10 minutes I came clean and admitted to the entire thing. He came clean about times in the past that he has and I revealed times in the past that I had.
> 
> ...


Dear Mattnben,

I don't believe you are in a healthy relationship. Two month long fights, he claiming that you are disgusting and you feeling disgusted about yourself, you feeling the need to prove your worth, are all indicators that something is seriously wrong between you and your partner.

Among other things, you need to learn how to deal with romantic conflict. In addition, your partner appears to be a very controlling person and that you seem prone to being manipulated.

I agree with MattMatt that you could both benefit from counseling. I would also suggest that you read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover (you can download a copy here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf).

Finally, I would recommend that you reconsider how beneficial this relationship to your mental health. Maybe you are not with the right person; just something to think about.

Wishing you well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am also not convinced that the use of pornography is always equal to infidelity.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Why would you go from scrapbooking to masturbating?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Hello and welcome. I think that the use of pornography is not equal to infidelity. If you are not replacing your partner with the use of pornography it should not be a problem.As long as you both agree.

However, since you both agreed you didn't want that in your relationship and you both did use it, perhaps it is time to revisit the sexual boundaries within your relationship. When porn starts to make one person feel left out or if the person uses it feels guilty, it is time to talk.

I hope you can work it out. Six years is a long time to be with someone and to throw away over a few masturbation sessions. I am guessing there are other strains in the relationship and the pornography is just the thing that causes the fight and not the root of the true problem. 

Good luck to you in your relationship.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

You need to ask yourself why you had the need to jerk off after scrapbooking rather than go in to the other room and take him right there on the couch or whatever it is that gay people do. I mean, it makes no sense logically that you'd choose your own hands rather than his, especially since you're both guys. You chose yourself rather than him, you broke the no jacking off promise, you lied about it, and there's really nothing you can tell him that will change his mind that you don't care about him, if you can't figure out why you did such a selfish, noncaring thing in the first place.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

warshaw said:


> You need to ask yourself why you had the need to jerk off after scrapbooking rather than go in to the other room and take him right there on the couch or whatever it is that gay people do. I mean, it makes no sense logically that you'd choose your own hands rather than his, especially since you're both guys. You chose yourself rather than him, you broke the no jacking off promise, you lied about it, and there's really nothing you can tell him that will change his mind that you don't care about him, if you can't figure out why you did such a selfish, noncaring thing in the first place.


All good points. But as a wife, who was actually replaced by pornography and prostitutes, even I think this is a bit harsh. It's not like he committed a federal offense. His partner was also using the porn so maybe he was doing it out of spite. They need to talk, like right now. 

Before I knew about my husbands issues with the porn, I remember once I ran to the gas station and my husband admitted on my return he jerked off in the 5 minutes I was gone. So then I did him right there...again. I wasn't mad, I found it incredibly hot...but yeah, I get your point.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Mattnben said:


> During the act, he got a suspicion and called me out of the room. Backed into a corner, I walked out and he saw that I had an erection that I was trying to hide.


I don't get why you responded to his demand that you immediately walk out of the room- which you did shamefully with your half limp penis between your legs.

Why didn't you just say "sorry I'm busy right now".

Seems like he's got a great deal of power and control over you in many ways.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

warshaw said:


> Why would you go from scrapbooking to masturbating?


Everyone knows crafting is an aphrodisiac.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I think it's insane two people would promise each other not to pull at it. That's just silly. The porn thing - well I get that - if you both agree (but you both broke that promise too). But clearly it's unnatural to insist your mate not wank. Get rid of that stupid agreement and half your problem is gone.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go for a tug, right after I finish scrapbooking of course.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If you think that rubbing one out is infidelity and react this way, I hope you never get to experience the real thing.


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