# How to end emotional affair



## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off. We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I worry about what it could lead to and getting caught. Please help. Thanks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Impossible?? What utter crap. Smarten the hell up and just DO it. Anything else is nonsense. Your problem is that you don't WANT to, not that you can't.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

You're right, I don't "want" to, but I know it's what needs to happen. I'm just having a very hard time doing it. It would be easier if I was happy at home. I was hoping more for ways others have walked away from similar situations and how they've dealt with it. Thanks.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

mrsbride said:


> We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships.


1) Well it's too late, you're already "that girl", aka a cheater. You have been having an emotional affair behind his back.

2) You are correct in your assumption. He does expect sex from you. If you continue, you will give it to him to appease him.

3) If you are unhappy with your husband, you can either try to work it out or divorce him if you have become a WAW.

4) You're feeling toward OM are lust and infatuation. Eventually they will pass however the damage to your marriage will be PERMANANT.

It's up to you. My advice? Be a BRAVE woman and either let your husband go or this clown go AND STOP being a home wrecker.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Look at it as having the power to destroy everything you hold of value in your life and every life you are currently touching... then choose wisely.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hi...I had a really hot chick at work reach out to me once and try to start an emotional affair. She started all innocent but then went down a flirtatious path and was dressing the part. I found out that she was not happy at home and had at least two or three other guys she was friendly with. Either way I told her that I would be an ear to listen to or shoulder to cry on but that was it and point blank told her I didn't want to play her game. She got really pissed and stopped talking to me. She still reaches out from time to time but I ignore. Point is...not impossible...you just don't want to work on your own issues as this route is easier and feels exciting. Remember, your actions impact the happiness of your children and they are the ones who hurt from our selfishness.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you have to go NC with the ex-bf. And stay NC until the feelings wear off.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

mrsbride said:


> You're right, I don't "want" to, but I know it's what needs to happen. I'm just having a very hard time doing it. It would be easier if I was happy at home. I was hoping more for ways others have walked away from similar situations and how they've dealt with it. Thanks.


You're not happy at home because you're putting all your energy into being a CHEATER. STOP CHEATING. Right now. Every excuse you come up with is making you more pathetic. The way you do it is that you DO it. You STOP CHEATING. You start by telling your husband what you've done.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Look up "no contact letter" and write one to the OM.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off. We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I worry about what it could lead to and getting caught. Please help. Thanks.


If you do not feel attracted or loving towards your husband and constantly fall for your ex or another then why stay? 
It's not fair to your husband or you. 
It may be difficult to divorce now but in the future it will bring happiness to you both eventually. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MrsAldi said:


> If you do not feel attracted or loving towards your husband and constantly fall for your ex or another then why stay?
> It's not fair to your husband or you.
> It may be difficult to divorce now but in the future it will bring happiness to you both eventually.
> 
> ...


No one in the throes of an affair can judge what their feelings are for their spouse. They need to eject the affair partner from their life and detox from them. Only then can their feelings return for their spouse.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Get these three books:

Not Just Friends
His Needs Her Needs
Love Busters

Oh, and @mrsbride? Meet @Pressed4Time. @Pressed4Time, meet @mrsbride. Thread *here*.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

mrsbride said:


> A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off. We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I worry about what it could lead to and getting caught. Please help. Thanks.


OP,

Glad its dawned on you he may just be looking for sex. So if you read anything you will find that "he is not getting any sex at home" is one of the oldest lines in the books.

You are already cheating and if you read you will also find out that almost all get caught. You are not going to regain any attraction for your husband pining for another man so my suggestion is to strap you big girl panties on and either divorce your husband or cut the crap out or you may find yourself out on your butt.

Men do not enter affairs for emotional reasons or because the are Good Samaratans. He wants in your pants. Tell him fine once he files for divorce


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> No one in the throes of an affair can judge what their feelings are for their spouse. They need to eject the affair partner from their life and detox from them. Only then can their feelings return for their spouse.


If I felt zero attraction and love for my spouse, I'd just leave if I couldn't stop seeing someone else. 
Why torture ourselves and our spouses. 
Being an inbetweener increases confuses emotions, but then again I'm all or nothing. 
But each to their own. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thanks so much for the advice, even the harsh words of wisdom. Guess I've occasionally fallen for the special, undeniable connection lines as if we're destined to be together. But my brain says- he's playing you, wonder who else there is, there'd always be trust issues, etc. I just feel so bored & numb at home that the excitement of an occasional call from him is very tempting. Does anyone have suggestions on how to fall in love with my husband again?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

mrsbride said:


> Thanks so much for the advice, even the harsh words of wisdom. Guess I've occasionally fallen for the special, undeniable connection lines as if we're destined to be together. But my brain says- he's playing you, wonder who else there is, there'd always be trust issues, etc. I just feel so bored & numb at home that the excitement of an occasional call from him is very tempting. Does anyone have suggestions on how to fall in love with my husband again?


First and foremost - CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM. Did you see where I said you need to do up a no contact letter?

Once you've detoxed yourself from the affair, then you can properly evaluate your marriage and your feeling for your husband. The only way to get back on track is for BOTH of you to work on it TOGETHER.

My husband and I did it, after he cheated. But it was a LOT of work. Marriage counseling, individual counseling, book work, dates, trips, assignments, weekly workbook nights, the list goes on. We did it all. And today we're great. But BOTH of us had to be all in or it never would have worked.

These books helped us.
For General Marriage Help (not only for couples going through infidelity: 

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
"John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life''s work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential"

The Five Love Languages 
"Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.......The 5 Love Languages® has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good."

Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs and the companion workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love
"Dr. Harley helps couples understand why their best intentions are not enough to prevent marital incompatibility. in Love Busters, he helps couples avoid losing romantic love by recognizing and overcoming thoughtless and selfish habits. Couples must do more than want to meet each other's needs--they must actually meet them! The right needs are so strong that when they're not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them. But aside of the risk of affair, important emotional needs should be met for the sake of care itself. Marriage is a very special relationship. Dr. Harley describes the ten emotional needs of men and women. He helps you identify which are the most important to you and your spouse, helps you communicate them to each other, and helps you learn to meet them."

About Infidelity

Not Just Friends
"NOT "Just Friends" is the first book to shatter popular assumptions about infidelity, including: a happy marriage is insurance against infidelity; the betrayed partner must have ignored obvious clues; and the unfaithful partner was compensating for emotional or sexual deprivation in the marriage......Dr. Glass's scientific approach to infidelity is unique in its treatment of the betrayed partner's shock as a trauma. She helps couples cope with post-traumatic reactions and recover from the emotional roller coaster that follows deception, suspiciousness, and the shock of revelation."

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder
"The phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the all-too-common occurrence of infidelity. Psychologist Dennis Ortman likens the psychological aftermath of sexual betrayal to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in its origin and symptoms, including anxiety, irritability, rage, emotional numbing, and flashbacks. Using PTSD treatment as a model, Dr. Ortman will show you, step by step, how to: 
• work through conflicting emotions
• Understand yourself and your partner
• Make important life decisions 
Dr. Ortman sees recovery as a spiritual journey and draws on the wisdom of diverse faiths, from Christianity to Buddhism. He also offers exercises to deepen recovery, such as guided meditations and journaling, and explores heart-wrenchingly familiar case studies of couples struggling with monogamy. By the end of this book, you will have completed the six stages of healing and emerged with a whole heart, a full spirit, and the freedom to love again."


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> . Does anyone have suggestions on how to fall in love with my husband again?


You can't do anything here until you fall out of love with the OM.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thank you!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Limerance is what you feel for your affair partner. It is not love.

Here is how Wikipedia defines it:



> _*The concept "of 'limerence' provides a particular carving up of the semantic domain of love",[7] and represents an attempt at a scientific study of the nature of love. Limerence is considered as a cognitive and emotional state of being emotionally attached to or even obsessed with another person, and is typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings—a near-obsessive form of romantic love.[8] For Tennov, "sexual attraction is an essential component of limerence ... the limerent is a potential sex partner".[9]
> 
> Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infatuation, or what is colloquially known as a "crush". However, in common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived. Tennov notes how limerence "may dissolve soon after its initiation, as in an early teenage buzz-centered crush",[10] but she is more concerned with the point when "limerent bonds are characterized by 'entropy' crystallization as described by Stendhal in his 1821 treatise On Love, where a new love infatuation perceptually begins to transform ... [and] attractive characteristics are exaggerated and unattractive characteristics are given little or no attention ... [creating] a 'limerent object'".
> 
> ...


Your husband loves you. He loved you enough to not divorce you the first time he found out about your cheating. Do you want to trade that love for a fantasy?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> No one in the throes of an affair can judge what their feelings are for their spouse. They need to eject the affair partner from their life and detox from them. *Only then can their feelings return for their spouse.*


Assuming they were there beforehand.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

straightshooter said:


> Men do not enter affairs for emotional reasons or because the are Good Samaratans. He wants in your pants. Tell him fine once he files for divorce


Men absolutely can enter affairs for emotional reasons. You can't make a sweeping generalization like that on half the worlds population.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

So, here's what I don't get and I am sure this will open up a can of worms. You say you want to fall in love with your husband and how can you do that again. My wife has said it to me recently. I don't dislike or hate my wife, and as a guy, or maybe it is just me, I can in an instant go over to my wife and give her the warmest hug even if we just got into an argument an hour before. No matter. The only people I can't do that with are my parents...as they did some horrific stuff to me when I was a kid. But yet, I hear the out of love thing, and unless something horrific happened, or there is violence, what gives? Is that people just become too lazy and don't try or accustomed to all of the niceties and romantic things as they are just standard now? Complacency? If love was there, even limerance, it still is somewhere. It didn't magically disappear. Just think, for those of us who have kids, when they hurt you or say terrible things, you still find your love for them and hug them. Why is it uniquely difficult with a spouse? Because you have an "out" and can quit?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> Men absolutely can enter affairs for emotional reasons. You can't make a sweeping generalization like that on half the worlds population.


Why dont you read something. Try "Not Just Friends" to start and you can go from there. Based on factuall data from PHd's considered experts by most. You might learn something


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What do you think is the source of your unhappiness with your hb?

Has he wronged you or have you neglected your marriage?

Were you ever attracted to and loving toward him? If so what happened to change it?

I agree that you've got to cut off the other guy. You're not going to be able to evaluate your marriage and address its issues while you're distracted by the other guy.

And you're fvcking with his marriage for your ego boost, which is crappy. Plus you have no idea if he gets sex at home, people looking to cheat lie all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> Thanks so much for the advice, even the harsh words of wisdom. Guess I've occasionally fallen for the special, undeniable connection lines as if we're destined to be together. But my brain says- he's playing you, wonder who else there is, there'd always be trust issues, etc. I just feel so bored & numb at home that the excitement of an occasional call from him is very tempting. *Does anyone have suggestions on how to fall in love with my husband again?*


Yeah, get the three books I mentioned. Both you and your husband read the His Needs Her Needs together to understand how to light each other's fire. Read Not Just Friends by yourself.

The grass is greener where you water it. Many men who get married women to have an affair with them will not put a ring on her finger, because there is so much trust issues. They use her and dump her when someone better comes along.

This story may help you understand the situation you are in.

*Before you decide to leave. Read my story* by @Imadeamistake


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mrsbride,

Claiming their wives are mean to them or not understanding or sexless is a classic way OM get their intended seduction targets to feel sympathy for them. In contrast there's you who they say they can say anything to and have unconditional love for.

When I hear a guy using these kinds of lines on women I can't believe they are still falling for them. 

It's perfectly human to want the intense and seemingly unconditional love an affair seems to offer and it's allure is overpowering.

At the end of the day however you will destroy two families and be stuck with a man who will then have affairs behind your back. I suspect this OM is more like a pimp than a prince charming.

Tamat


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mrsbride said:


> My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him.


 The number one reason that a spouse detects a cheater is because the cheater loses their feelings for their spouse as they transfer it to their affair partner, as is the case here. Usually it is the affair the causes a lose of interest in the spouse, not the loss of interest in the spouse causing the affair; a common cheater's reinvention of history (to themselves) is what makes a cheater believe otherwise.

Affair partners are exciting and new, whereas the spouse is same old same old and cannot compete with exciting and new. Also, affair partners looking for sex, will fake interest into topics that interest their target, and will put in focused attention that they cannot sustain over a long term relationship, just ask ask their spouse.



mrsbride said:


> I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home.


 Him telling you that "he's not getting any at home" is not an appropriate topic for a married man to discuss with another man's wife. It is not only a betrayal of his wife for discussing such a thing, but a clear indication of his intentions to have sex with you.

The reason that you have not broken it off with him is because you love the attention and he knows it. He is playing you and you love it. When it is all over you will see him the same way as his wife now sees him, and you will not believe what you gave up for him for such a short period of his attention. Remember that anyone that cheats with you can just as easily cheat on you; of course the same can be said of you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Excellent post Try.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're already cheating OP. I echo all the others and would just like to add that the chances of this affair lasting long term should you both decide to blow apart two families, is less than 5%. The fallout will be devastating, and the guilt will eat you alive - as it should. 

And by the way, the old "My wife doesn't have sex with me anymore" chestnut is straight out of page 2, chapter 1 of the Cheaters Handbook. Another poster who's husband left her for another woman told someone in your position that "my husband was banging me til the day he left". You can't believe a word he says to you, he's a cheater, cheaters lie.

How do you stop this? Easy peasy - you just stop. Delete, block. 

Take a trip away, even just for a long weekend with your husband. Give him the attention you've been giving the OM. No matter what it takes, do it. It's not "can we afford to?" it's can you afford NOT to?


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## Anon here (Nov 9, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You're not happy at home because you're putting all your energy into being a CHEATER. STOP CHEATING. Right now. Every excuse you come up with is making you more pathetic. The way you do it is that you DO it. You STOP CHEATING. You start by telling your husband what you've done.


Focus elsewhere is not the cause of unhappiness but a symptom.

Cut him off. Next take a hard look at what you have at home. Do you want it? Will you work for it? The answers will guide you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Have you told your husband that you're still in touch with your EA partner, after taking it underground for having been caught the first time? 

If not, it's only going to be a matter of when, not if, he finds out. 

Some may disagree with me, but I think he deserves to know the whole truth, if you expect him to stay with you.

ETA: he also deserves to know the content of your NC letter before you send it, and edit it without any protestations from you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

mrsbride said:


> Thanks so much for the advice, even the harsh words of wisdom. Guess I've occasionally fallen for the special, undeniable connection lines as if we're destined to be together. But my brain says- he's playing you, wonder who else there is, there'd always be trust issues, etc. I just feel so bored & numb at home that the excitement of an occasional call from him is very tempting. Does anyone have suggestions on how to fall in love with my husband again?


If you genuinely want to stay married, then work on the marriage. There are many books out there to help with this, "His Needs, Her Needs", "Getting the Love You Want" etc. It will take effort. It's not just going to fall in your lap. The energy you are putting into the affair is energy you aren't putting into making what you have work. You are looking for the easy solution but at the end of the day, "nothing worth having comes easy". It's easy to fall in love, it's difficult to keep it together when the shine wears off, but the work you put in will ultimately lead to the dream many people have, that of a partner who loves you until death, who is there during the goods times and the bad, who you can share memories with when you're old and wrinkly.

It really depends on what you want in life. If you want to keep starting over when things get tough, then that's the path you are currently on. If you want a marriage that lasts a lifetime, then get your head in the game.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

As others have said. You're doing typical cheater thinking. Let's put it this way. The grass is greener where you water it.

Since cheaters are liars, they also lie to each other. Geez, one of the "nice" things a guy told my wife to woe her was "I don't want your husband mad at me. I dont want to get between you two". Which was bs.

Get the book " not just friends" by Shirley Glass. It goes into details of what's going on in your head... And how to fix it.

Question: where you bored of your husband 2 years ago? Thing is... When women cheat they rewrite thier marriage history. Your brain has to justify your actions. 

You've already hurt your husband. It's up to you to work on your marriage vowels. Both of you together... If to go full blown affair... It's the worst thing you can ever do to your husband. 

You get points for trying to figure things out... Be honest with your husband is the best thing you can do. The advice of others are top notch.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

I wrote a couple of weeks ago because I have a stupid crush on a co-worker. I'm married, he is not. At any rate, my situation had not gotten as far along as yours - I'd kept boundaries in place and hadn't texted, emailed, gone out to lunch alone, etc. Many people have advised you to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. If you google that title and the word "PDF," you'll find the complete book online in PDF form. I'm about 70 pages in (it's an easy read) and already I realize how none of my feelings for this other person are particularly "special." I was beginning to go down the road that many of the wayward spouses in the book traveled down. You're a bit farther down the road, but you can still turn things around with minimal damage, if that is what you decide. I also talked to my husband and told him I was getting male attention and liked it, and I think it's because I wasn't getting as much from him as I wanted. We're making changes, including a weekly date night, etc.

I agree with what others have said - you can't know your true feelings for your husband while you're in the middle of this. Read that book, also read the "Wayward Side" of the Surviving Infidelity site. I've been doing that as well and it's quite clear that most affairs end up as absolute sh*t shows for everyone involved. 

If you don't love your husband, love yourself enough not to be that person who destroys others' lives. I'm still working on it, but I'm getting there.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thanks again for the advice and recommended reads. I have read a couple of the books mentioned and would like to add "I love you, but am not in love with you" for others who may be interested. I also want to clarify my situation a bit. My husband knew that I was friends with this guy and crossed the line with him very briefly many years ago (prior to dating my husband). My husband and I had been together for several years without contact from him. When he popped up, I talked to my husband about it and he reluctantly agreed to minimal communication with him, which I intended to keep respectful and innocent. Over time the conversations became more frequent and inappropriate (miss you, not fulfilled at home, etc). When my husband became uncomfortable with the increased contact, I stopped talking to OM and he supposedly told his wife everything. Months later, I was still bored and numb at home, thinking about the OM often, we reconnected by phone. We have not seen each other and do not plan to. I really missed him- yes, the attention, appreciation, feeling listened to/understood, and feeling physically attracted to someone. From the day we met, there was always a very exciting, undeniable connection between us. I feel very guilty for having these feelings and would never want to hurt my family or his. I know this is a problem and is why reached out for help. I want these feelings for my husband. We have a great life and he's a wonderful man, I just feel like something is missing and I temporarily/ accidentally/ wrongly found it in the OM. I really want to lose all feelings and interest in the OM and have everything with my husband. I have tried to end contact with OM, but have not been successful yet. I'm having a hard time with the what if's and finding closure. I'm going to do this! Thank you all.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

mrsbride said:


> From the day we met, there was always a very *exciting, undeniable connection* between us.


Of course there was - because it's fantasy. Everything is fresh, shiny and new, nothing to focus on except the two of you. No school runs, doctors appointments, cleaning the toilet, meal planning, cleaning up the dirty dishes, helping with homework, paying bills, washing clothes like you have to do at home with your family. Of course it's exciting.

A marriage can't compete with that. It's unfair to compare the two.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off. We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I worry about what it could lead to and getting caught. Please help. Thanks.



Divorce your husband he deserves a wife who is attracted to him and respects him enough not to give herself emotinally to another man. Who wants to have a loving relationship with him and will fight for him. That ain't you.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

There is no such thing as finding closure. That is a path to continuing the affair and ending your marriage. Closure comes from no contact and focusing on your family. Ask any of us who have struggled with EAs. 

Sent from my SM-T230NU using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> Thanks so much for the advice, even the harsh words of wisdom. Guess I've occasionally fallen for the special, undeniable connection lines as if we're destined to be together. But my brain says- he's playing you, wonder who else there is, there'd always be trust issues, etc. I just feel so bored & numb at home that the excitement of an occasional call from him is very tempting. Does anyone have suggestions on how to fall in love with my husband again?


I think you should tell your husband and give him the chance to decide if he want's to try to start over again with someone who has now cheated on him twice. You don't mention kids which is a good thing. Sorry but your actions prove are not really a good spouse for anyone right now. Life is boring and hard a lot of the time, marriage is about teamwork and building most of the time, the romantic butterflies are like dessert. You are trying to have a life that is all dessert. If you were to be with this new guy it would just turn into the same mundane life. You will then be washing his dirty drawers and smelling his morning breath. In a word mundane. What you want is not a marriage but a romance novel. Here's the deal, that ain't real life for anyone. 

You know how easy it is for me to type on here "What we have is special, our connection is like no other. Only we know how it is. Talking to you all day makes me feel alive." It's so easy and cheap. I know I could basically get any woman like you interested, all I need is someone who is board, maybe a little lonely, and certainly vulnerable because of a lack of good boundaries. Then I just playing up to her ego and her romantic nature. Her need for emotional connection. It's not very hard. "You are my soulmate, hearing from you just makes my day. It's so sad we can't be together but maybe some day. I never feel this way with my SO. Only you make me feel this way. You know your are beautiful right? I hope your husband tells you this." See it's easy. Vampires like this guy are always on the prowl for woman like you. Just probing and testing. To a guy like this a married woman with poor boundaries is like free sex, you have a husband so he doesn't really have to do 5hit, just stroke your ego. He doesn't even need to court you because the relationship ain't going anywhere. Courting takes work and money, texting doesn't take much if anything. And let me tell you the sex is coming, and you are not going to say no, you already have probably gone way further then you thought you would, hell you have cheated on your husband twice and the second time you can't even say it sneaked up on you. No you pursued it. 

Now let me tell you what hard, and at the same time telling you what real love is. It's something your husband has been doing and you have been failing at. Hard is getting up and going to a job you hate every day because you know you want to support your wife and want her to have a good life. Hard is when your wife has a hard day and you do too but you let HER blow off steam and be grumpy because you love her and want to protect her. Hard is really wanting to have sex with her but knowing that she is tired and it is better for you to suck it up because you love her and want her to be able to have a good day the next day. Hard is worrying about bills when you secretly want to run away and live on the beach. Hard is living in a mundane life where you know you wife has gotten used to you and you are not the "action hero" you once were to her. Knowing in her eyes you are just some slub who helps pay for the roof over her head. (Yeah guys want Disney stuff too, we just want to be the Prince but you have made your husband into the dumpy sidekick) Knowing that she has given this awe to another guy who was basically stranger only because he texts her some nice stuff. He doesn't have to see her at her worst, all her faults, see her without makeup even. Then (stupidly I might add) forgiving her because you still love her (G0damn that's hard). That 5hit is worth a hell of a lot more then some 5hitty text messages. 

Go read survivinginfidelity.com go read what some of the abuse these men take because they love their wives. I think they are misguided but I sure as hell think those guys would die for their wives. Most of the time their crime was that they were normal guys who were not as emotionally attentive as they should have been. But you can't say they didn't love and value their wives. READ IT, the "just found out" section. Read it and imagine every one of those guys are your husband talking about you. That is what you are doing and have done to him. 

Life is a lot like war, who do you want in the fox hole with you, the guy who is cheating on his wife, or the guy whose wife started to cheat on him but is loyal to her and standing by her giving her a second chance. You are making the shallowest of choices. But in many ways it's too late for you. You have cheated twice. 

One more thing if there were any romantic feeling for your husband I suggest you go read the letters you kept, pull out the vacation photos, look at your wedding album, play the songs that once meant something to you, and start to realize what you have given up for some guy typing some 5hit on his phone why his wife sits there oblivious in the other room.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MrBride,

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY SOME ELSE, NOT ME, ON ANOTHER WEB SITE.

*My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.

NewCreation2011*


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

mrsbride,

Make you confession to your H so he can help you recover, an affair is a very strong addiction, and in your case you may not be able to do it alone. No the OM cannot help you out of your affair. Your H will be able to monitor what you are doing. Turn over all your communication records to your BH.

Also make your apology to the OMs betrayed W, she will hopefully keep tabs on him.

Destroy any keepsakes you have from the OM.

Tamat


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Have you ever stopped to think how much love and trust your husband gave you to allow reestablishing contact with him....please I mean it.....I think about that.....would you have allowed the same privilege knowing how far you went....then think about this would the OM give you that same privilege to you if you were talking to your husband as the other man? If anything this should demonstrate to you how special your husband is, how much he has faith in you, and how your dishonored him by taking advantage of that gift. Just a thought.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

mrsbride said:


> Months later, I was still bored and numb at home, thinking about the OM often, we reconnected by phone. We have not seen each other and do not plan to. I really missed him- yes, the attention, appreciation, feeling listened to/understood, and feeling physically attracted to someone.


Maybe you need to sort out this issue of being bored at home. You don't need to have an affair to make your life interesting. Get off your butt and find something to do with yourself that doesn't involve ripping people's hearts out or destroying your family.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

If there were any romantic feeling for your husband I suggest you go read the letters you kept and pull out the vacation photos!!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

mrsbride said:


> A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off. We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I worry about what it could lead to and getting caught. Please help. Thanks.


IMO, if it wasn't this guy, it'd be another.

I'm not saying that as a slight against you - I'm saying that because you're not attracted to your husband. But you DO care about him, and don't want to hurt him.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. You could never see this guy again, but that will not help with how you feel about your husband. At a later time, somebody else will pop up and you'll do this all over again. And eventually you will leave your marriage for somebody else. Honestly, this is not sarcasm or me being flippant.

The fact is, you're not attracted to your husband. You can't make that happen. It's either there, or it's not. There will be other men that you ARE attracted to, always, as long as you continue in this marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP I have been thinking about your situation. I heard someone on the radio today talk about the difference between euphoria and happiness. Often people who cheat mistake the euphoria of the early part of a relationship for being happy. This is also what people with addiction do. This is why they are addicted and why they ultimately can't satisfy said addiction. This is because euphoria is short lived, and it ultimately doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. Are you happy OP? You don't sound happy. 

I think you need to establish happiness in your life. Ultimately only you can give that to yourself. Happiness really is a choice. Obviously if you are going through a crisis then you may not be happy but overall happiness and eventually contentment is a choice that you can chose every day. You must change your thinking though to do that. Fake it to make it is a principle that works. It's real and it works.


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## JimMinVA (Nov 10, 2016)

mrsbride,

I certainly do not have an answer for you from experience. I have been searching for answers to my situation. I found a similarity between our stories. In fact, my SO of 16 years was caught with her OM in the act by our two daughters, ages 8 and 11. I knew of him as "just a friend" from her past. I am convinced that he was after sex and excitement because he was in a relationship at that time as well. I've been in counseling, seeking answers and closure. I have read volumes of material on this matter. I don't want to let go of my marriage but I am alone in that opinion. Anyway, I sent this to my SO, hoping that we can do as God wills and work through this. I hope this article is helpful to you. For reasons and feelings, you married your husband. You took vows to him and he to you. Be true to yourself and to your marriage.

good luck and best decisions.


Long-Term Relationships: Rebuilding Love After Emotional Damage 
October 13, 2011 • By Deb Hirschhorn, PhD, Relationships and Marriage Topic Expert Contributor 


What’s “falling in love” anyway?

It has two components:


•Part one: How the other person makes you feel about yourself.
•Part two: How you feel about the other person.

These two parts are inextricably bound up together, and, as a matter of fact, part two follows from part one. Here’s why:

The “falling in love” kind of love, not the familial love that you have, say, for your parents or children, is about receiving. The other kind of love—the tender feelings for children, or the compassionate love that you have when you’ve been married 50 years—is about giving.


So what is it you’re receiving when you fall in love?

You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person. Many people can try to give you this message but it doesn’t work with other people. The one person with whom it works proves to you, in the course of being together, that he or she really gets who you are. Only someone who has plunged your depths and finds you amazing, special, and wonderful can offer this level of validation.

There may be people you have dated who feel as though they love you, but in your opinion, they don’t know you. Therefore, it’s impossible for them to validate you. Knowing the other person, genuinely knowing, is the cornerstone of intimacy. So you have allowed one person into your inner world, in the course of being together, and each step of the way you felt understood. This person, in return, continues to be intrigued by that process of knowing you, and wants more.

What could be a better experience than that?

That is part one (how your partner makes you feel). You feel exhilarated because after carefully letting down your guard to someone, this person has appreciated having been given the tremendous gift of you. Part two (how you feel about your partner) flows from this. As you let him or her into your private self, your partner did the same. And what did you find inside your partner’s heart and soul? A self that is very similar to yours!

Although opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself. Not only is this person validating you, but his very being (because it’s so much like yours) validates you all the more. That’s part two (how you feel about your partner).

(Incidentally, if you don’t see this, you do have to plumb the depths to find it. It is not on the surface. The surface includes a host of differences, but deep down you’ll find the sameness.)

So what’s “falling out of love”? The answer is: betrayal. You have opened up your soul; you’ve been vulnerable, and what did you get for it? You got hurt and betrayed. The betrayal doesn’t have to be as raw as cheating, although it can be that. But even ignoring a spouse when he or she is talking is betrayal. When this continues, the commonalities aren’t so apparent. Your spouse might be hurt, too.

Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. Maybe you’ve been married a long time. You may have had children together. How in the world can you get back to opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you? How can you possibly fall in love with such a person again? You are torn because it would be good to keep the relationship but the feelings just aren’t there. What can you do?

My answer is: Feeling can come back, but the process is backwards from the way it was the first time.

The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. You can’t do that this time. Even if you really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those.

Here are some steps that you both can take:

1. Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. He/she must acquire the skill of patience. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered. If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself. It has to be about you, not him/her, this time around.

2. You must be patient, too—with your spouse and with yourself. His/her awakening to the fact that you have been deeply wounded in the relationship, and that you need to heal, will dawn on him/her slowly. Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being ugly with you. This may take time, and perhaps help from outside sources. And you can allow yourself time to heal from the hurts of the past, because that is a natural process that cannot be rushed.

3. This is a wonderful step. It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a language. There is the dawning awareness that your spouse is growing. Because your guard remains up (that was number one in this list), your powers of observation are keen, and you can see that something new is on the horizon. Expected behaviors don’t happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. From this, respect and trust begin to grow. Allow this step the time it needs to unfold. The more respectworthy observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse.

4. Respect and trust will allow you to open up, little by little. You won’t have to force it; it, too, will be a natural process. There will be new things in the “you” that has experienced all this pain: guardedness, healing, and newfound respect. These are the new things that you will be able to talk about. Your spouse opens the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you. You become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more.

5. In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them. In these admissions, he/she too will be vulnerable, and this will open the door wider to falling in love again.

What’s the upside of this difficult process? It’s more than falling in love and even more than preserving a family. It’s something rich and mature that you can’t feel the first time around: It’s a rock-solid knowledge of who this other person really is, leading to a much deeper bond, greater respect, and stronger trust than you could ever have with a new person.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thanks for the helpful information. I've been reading a lot and trying to understand why I'm in this situation and how to get out/prevent it. I agree with many things that I've read on here and in books regarding how this happens. It was not intentional and gradually became something that I have acknowledged is inappropriate/ wrong. I was unhappy and unsupported at home, full of frustration and resentment instead of love and attraction. And I have trouble with boundaries/saying no (in general- with work, family, relationships, etc.). Ultimately, I just wanted to feel happy, fulfilled, and supported like most people do. After feeling nothing at home for so long and settling with contentment vs. true happiness, I found myself here (attracted to an ex that I occasionally communicate with and have a hard time cutting out of my life). I do not want to hurt my husband or OM wife/family. I wish I could wake up one morning with feelings for the right person and none for the wrong, but I know it doesn't work like that. I was once excited about and attracted to my husband like most relationships in the beginning, then life happened, as it does. I don't want to search for something unrealistic, but think I should feel something more than kind regard toward my husband. He is very affectionate and sexual towards me, more now than in the beginning, and has become very clingy. It's like we're going in opposite directions. Anyone else in a similar situation? Or better yet, overcome such a situation? Thanks.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him.


You point to the emotional affair as if THAT is the problem that needs help, meanwhile the idea of working on your marriage and becoming attracted to your husband again is probably something for which you have no motivation. 

Marriage is often like being a teenager with a really messy room that is starting to smell bad. At some point, like it or not, you are going to have to clean it up! You realize you can't remodel your bedroom, but you can take better care of it and in turn it will then be able to take better care of you. If you clean everything up, odds are you can repurpose some aspects of it and find yourself enjoying your room all over again! Same goes for a marriage... Work on your marriage and you might find an exciting part of your husband's personality that has been buried under the mess of you no longer feeling attracted or loving towards him!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> He is very affectionate and sexual towards me, more now than in the beginning, and has become very clingy.


You CAN ask him to give you some more personal space! Desire sometimes needs a little distance. But be careful that this space is used as something to push you back to him as opposed to something that you use to cultivate your emotional affair. 

Spend some time reading and reflecting on what you need to make you marriage better with this personal space, and make it happen. 

If you feel he does not support you, that may as well be your own problem. Perhaps you need to be strong enough not to need his support, accomplish new things on your own, and share that with him.

Badsanta


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

I absolutely agree, just trying to figure out how and how long it takes. We've gone to counseling, talked a lot, and had sex that I don't want. Just waiting for something to change/get better. I'd also like to add to my previous posts that I'm not trying to blame my husband for my bad decisions. However, I do think it took both of us to get to where we are. Thanks badsanta.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

I've also asked for space to breathe, enjoy me time, and allow distance to miss/want him. I feel better with that space, but he quickly reverts back to old behaviors of clinginess and groping, which pushes me farther away. Because I feel guilty and appreciative of his other efforts, I don't want to hurt his feelings with constant reminders to back off. I enjoy my independence and encourage his. That's something I was attracted to before, but now he's just an extension of me, no longer the strong, independent person he once was with his own interests. He needs a lot of reassurance and affection, especially now (understandably so), but I don't and I have a hard time giving it. It annoys me. Some would die to have this and maybe I would feel differently under different circumstances, but I feel smothered.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No offense, but your controlling nature is really off putting.

Tell your husband everything...the EA, the fact that you are being smothered, etc. Let HIM decide if he even wants to remain with you, rather than you concealing the affair, and lying to him in order to keep from being divorced. Besides, you sound like you fear the imagery of divorce more than actually losing your husband.

Stop trying to determine the outcome and concealing information that will lead to it, and start being honest. You might find life works to your personality in a much more compatible manner when you do so.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

mrsbride,

It's really unfair to your H that his is wasting his love and affection on someone who might never love him back. 

Please confess the complete truth before your H spends any more years with you, that he could spend with someone who feels actual love for him.

This is particularly unfair since you have the love of the OM, and your H has no ones love.

Sadly the OM has turned you into him.

Tamat.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

mrsbride said:


> My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him.


Which is probably why you started the EA with the man from your past.

The most honest and decent thing you could do is tell your H how you feel and file for divorce. If you don't feel any attraction or love towards him, there's really nothing to fix, is there?

As for your AP, he's married, presumably with children, and the most sensible thing would be to make a clean break and cut off all communication. There's no easing out of an affair, as you experienced when you tried to. The quickest way to get over it is going cold turkey.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

MrsBride, 

I can't help but feel your are punishing your husband for your misdeeds....as though you will fall in love with him all over again if you had time away from him and his clinginess, that because of the road you decided to follow he (your husband) if left feeling the ramification of this whole ordeal. After he give you the access in the beginning to engage with this guy. you truly bring to life the adage "no good deed goes unpunished". 

here is another adage "fake it until you make it"


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Hi mrsbride

I found myself in a similar situation years ago. I became friends with someone who lived nearby and I saw him most days. I realised that it was becoming more than just a friendship when we began to exchange information about our marriages that was totally inappropriate. I had convinced myself we were just friends but when a situation came about where I couldn't see him quite as often I had this deep feeling of sadness.

The first thing I did was tell my H. It turned out our marriage was NOT OK as he didn't really care that much at all, but agreed to move house so I wouldn't see him every day. Out of sight out of mind those feelings of infatuation passed remarkably quickly. You need to make sure you do not have any contact with this man, avoid any place he will be, avoid social media where you might see him. Block him from your phone, in fact change numbers. 

Then work on your relationship with your husband. Go to MC and work out what are the issues at the heart of the problem. I say give it a year and if things don't change then move on. 

In the meantime you could meet new female friends or do lots of things outside your marriage. I actually think holidaying alone is hugely beneficial in a marriage when you feel stifled by it all. Sometimes these things happen out of pure boredom or loneliness - so do *something* rather than nothing.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Not sure how I come across as controlling. I'm just sharing my honest feelings and personal preferences. We all have those. I feel very bad and guilty about the place I'm in. I have been honest with my husband about how I feel and we are working through this together. It is very difficult to say things that I know will hurt him though. He is unaware of the recent contact and rather than hurt our marriage more, I've been trying to get rid of the thoughts/feelings for OM on my own. I came here for advice from people who can relate and understand that also means comments from the other side. I am trying to learn from all aspects and appreciate your time to respond. I am going to tell OM no more contact, but do have sad feelings about this. A special thanks to those who've given practical advice to work my way through this and in the direction of a happy marriage.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

oh boy hard subject. I cant really empathize with the infidelity, but I can with emotional turmoil. Any advice would probably not do any good at all, sorry to say. I have a very close friend in the same situation and despite a very close relationship with her she has gone against all advice, left her husband and is currently with the OM (not happily- and she is just as much a wreak now as she was for the past two years she was involved in the ER).

It would be to easy if we could just evaluate the current situation and say, oh its because loneliness, lack of gratification, chemistry etc. etc.
I really think it comes more deeply rooted then that. For my friend her father died when she was very young and she had an abusive step father. Shes looking for an emotional connection no man in her life has ever been able maintain with her for more then a 5-10 year period. In other words she longs for it to be new exciting, she needs that validation.

For the young it may be candy, give me, give me. of course as parents we know too much makes us sick. And some of us adults have just as much lack of control regarding things that we know deep down will hurt us, our family, people we care about but it brings us that gratification we long for (not even knowing why) and once we let that in its like a poison seeping through your veins and you need the next fix, the next high.

I do know that its very difficult to end an ER on our own. so unless you get some professional help and fast you should be prepared for a literal bomb to go off that will leave a wake of destruction, pain and grief.

good luck.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> Not sure how I come across as controlling. I'm just sharing my honest feelings and personal preferences. We all have those. I feel very bad and guilty about the place I'm in. I have been honest with my husband about how I feel and we are working through this together. It is very difficult to say things that I know will hurt him though. He is unaware of the recent contact and rather than hurt our marriage more, I've been trying to get rid of the thoughts/feelings for OM on my own. I came here for advice from people who can relate and understand that also means comments from the other side. I am trying to learn from all aspects and appreciate your time to respond. I am going to tell OM no more contact, but do have sad feelings about this. A special thanks to those who've given practical advice to work my way through this and in the direction of a happy marriage.


Just a side note - there are a lot of people on TAM that have been deeply hurt from both physical and emotional affairs so you will get some advice that may be difficult to hear - but still necessary all the same.

IMO I think people who recognise inappropriate relationships and put a stop to it before it becomes sexual are to be commended. Our emotions sometimes make idiots of us and having the foresight to see how destructive that path may be is a good sign. Having that need to work on your marriage over an emotional attachment to someone outside the marriage means that there is something worth fighting for. Don't you think? You do need to get to the bottom of it though because if it is not *him* it will be* someone else* in the future.

Good luck!


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

mrsbride said:


> I've also asked for space to breathe, enjoy me time, and allow distance to miss/want him. I feel better with that space, but he quickly reverts back to old behaviors of clinginess and groping, which pushes me farther away. Because I feel guilty and appreciative of his other efforts, I don't want to hurt his feelings with constant reminders to back off. I enjoy my independence and encourage his. That's something I was attracted to before, but now he's just an extension of me, no longer the strong, independent person he once was with his own interests. He needs a lot of reassurance and affection, especially now (understandably so), but I don't and I have a hard time giving it. It annoys me. Some would die to have this and maybe I would feel differently under different circumstances, but I feel smothered.


I'm sure you even believe some of this that you wrote. problem is the person we lie to the most is our selves. We want to be better then who we are.

These are all lies, you resent him because he stands between you and your selfishness, your wants, your desires. You let someone else take his place in your affections so now you concentrate on his faults and not your own. its not the OM groping you so its not acceptable. connection severed by a jagged sharpened sword that leaves gaping wounds. these words are probably unacceptable because of the lies you long to tell yourself are truths. sorry.....


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate them all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> TI wish I could wake up one morning with feelings for the right person and none for the wrong


Wake up in the morning and do right. That is what it means to be a good human being, to have honor. Give up your feelings in this case because your feelings are wrong to act on. Then after you do that if you are not happy with your husband either try to fix it or move on. Leading a good honorable life doesn't have to do with your feelings a lot of the time. However if you can learn to get satisfaction in life from being honorable no matter how you feel in the present you will be happy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

By the way you are not going to be attracted to him when you have emotionally given yourself to someone else. You did this, it has nothing to do with him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> Not sure how I come across as controlling. I'm just sharing my honest feelings and personal preferences. We all have those. I feel very bad and guilty about the place I'm in. I have been honest with my husband about how I feel and we are working through this together. It is very difficult to say things that I know will hurt him though. He is unaware of the recent contact and rather than hurt our marriage more, I've been trying to get rid of the thoughts/feelings for OM on my own. I came here for advice from people who can relate and understand that also means comments from the other side. I am trying to learn from all aspects and appreciate your time to respond. I am going to tell OM no more contact, but do have sad feelings about this. A special thanks to those who've given practical advice to work my way through this and in the direction of a happy marriage.


You are controlling the outcome without letting your husband have all the information. This is the ultimate control and very unfair to him.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> Not sure how I come across as controlling. I'm just sharing my honest feelings and personal preferences. We all have those. I feel very bad and guilty about the place I'm in. I have been honest with my husband about how I feel and we are working through this together. It is very difficult to say things that I know will hurt him though. He is unaware of the recent contact and rather than hurt our marriage more, I've been trying to get rid of the thoughts/feelings for OM on my own. I came here for advice from people who can relate and understand that also means comments from the other side. I am trying to learn from all aspects and appreciate your time to respond. I am going to tell OM no more contact, but do have sad feelings about this. A special thanks to those who've given practical advice to work my way through this and in the direction of a happy marriage.


You are being controlling by withholding the truth from your husband to form a certain outcome. That is a textbook example of control, with a side of manipulation.

ETA: @sokillme beat me to it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

When you said your vows to your husband did you mean them? Love him over all others is one big one. If you meant it then, why not now? It was your promise to him in front of friends and family. It was also your responsibility to keep that love alive. 

It is your fault for allowing that to die and not keeping your vows and promises. Now you want him to leave you alone. That is not what marriage is. You want space from the one you promise to forsake all others for? What do you want that space for? It for sure is not to work on your marriage or the vows you broke. It is to mourn and pine over OM!

Shame on you and yes that is manipulative and controlling. How selfish of you. Be honest with him and yourself that you feel smothered by him because you let that love die. It was your responsibility to keep that end of the bargain. He kept his end. He loves and forsakes all others for YOU.

Set him free. He deserves better than a selfish woman like you. Give him his freedom and you will have YOUR space!

and for the record, when a spouse asks for space from their spouse; it's a dead give away that the marriage is pretty much over. You cannot reconcile or work on your marriage if you want space! You need to go out together more. Talk more, make love more, Do fun things together more. You don't need space apart at all, that is sure death.

Think really hard why you want THAT space and you will see that it is not to work on the marriage at all. The excuse is that you want to miss him...yeah right. The heart does not grow fonder when there is a third person in the mix. The heart grows cold for the person you want space from! 

So end your relationship with your husband before finishing the OM off...  

All pun intended on that last phrase. The love died and you can't revive a dead horse! Let it go.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> I've also asked for space to breathe, enjoy me time, and allow distance to miss/want him. *I feel better with that space, but he quickly reverts back to old behaviors of clinginess and groping*, which pushes me farther away. Because I feel guilty and appreciative of his other efforts, I don't want to hurt his feelings with constant reminders to back off. I enjoy my independence and encourage his. That's something I was attracted to before, but now he's just an extension of me, no longer the strong, independent person he once was with his own interests. *He needs a lot of reassurance and affection, especially now (understandably so), but I don't and I have a hard time giving it. It annoys me.* Some would die to have this and maybe I would feel differently under different circumstances, but *I feel smothered.*


OK to feel that way!

Question is what to do with those feelings so that they can be used in a positive way in your marriage?

How about finding ways to give him reassurance and affection while observing some distance? This can be as simple as sending each other sexy and perverted texts to each other when you are apart. You can enjoy teasing him with what he can not have at that moment. This will use his desire for you as a way to feel complimented. In the meantime he will enjoy the playfulness from a distance and feel reassured that you care about him. 

If you do not want him groping and grabbing you, get more involved in his masturbation and help nurture that and make it more fun for him. Make him some sexy photos and buy him some coconut oil and ask him to use as much as he wants and to think about you while he uses it. This will help him enjoy desiring you from a distance, it will calm his neediness, and hopefully start making the home environment more playful. 

Badsanta


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> You are being controlling by withholding the truth from your husband to form a certain outcome. That is a textbook example of control, with a side of manipulation.
> 
> ETA: @sokillme beat me to it.


Well said.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> *but I feel smothered*.


So here you have something to go on. This feeling is not unique to you and not even necessarily a fault but a sign that you are both mis-communicating your needs.

I have a very close friend who has been married for 17 years and I must say they are an example of how to do relationships. Their marriage is very unconventional in that he works away during the week and travels back for the weekend. She works full time as well as completing her pHD as well as having a hobby that takes her time in the evening. They also holiday together and holiday separately. A result of this is that they rarely argue because the time they spend with each other is very precious. When I asked her how she copes with them both having such busy lifestyles she described it as 'bliss' because when they spend a lot of time together she feels 'smothered'. 

So I wonder if a solution to 'how to end an emotional affair' may be to get busy. Try new things, do things with other people, make new friends. Then the time you and your hubby have together may seem more precious and the groping may be something you miss rather than resent. 

I also understand why you wouldn't want to talk to your H about your EA but it may be the wake up call he needs to see that you are not happy. Sometimes we don't see what is front of our very eyes.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> You are being controlling by withholding the truth from your husband to form a certain outcome. That is a textbook example of control, with a side of manipulation.
> 
> ETA: @sokillme beat me to it.


As a man who was in the same position ( withholding of truth, control, and manipulation, no infidelity ) as your husband : it's far better for you to be upfront with him rather than have him find out later by himself.

But, that's part of control and manipulation, right? He'll feel betrayed and not just by the EA but also not being able to make an informed decision about his own life.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thank you badsanta and peacem for the practical advice. We have plenty of sex and other play, I just wish I enjoyed it. Hopefully, I will feel different one day. For the naysayers, when I mention space, I do not mean any major time apart or time to sneak off with OM. I mean being able to cook without him under my feet or groping me, being able to go to the grocery store and shower alone, being able to have friends or hobbies of our own, etc. We have more to talk about and share when we do some things on our own. We do a lot of fun stuff together, have very similar opinions/beliefs, and never argue. But I do not believe in the traditional "becoming one" in marriage. I prefer two whole individuals on the same team through life and in love. I simply do not feel the way I think I should and acknowledged an inappropriate interest in an old flame. My husband has chosen to stay with me and work on this together. This has been an eye-opening experience for us both and surprisingly a lot of good has come from it. If I could rename my post it would include how to rekindle feelings for husband and lose feelings for OM. It's a bad place to be in and I would never choose this, despite what the name-callers may think. Thanks again for the helpful advice.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@mrsbride:

While I am glad you are listening to what you term "practical advice", I think it would also do you a tremendous amount of good to listen to those of us who are telling you that you are exhibiting controlling behavior. That is not "name calling". I am not triggering when pointing this out to you. I am not trying to get you to do what I wish my FWW would do. It is not about me.

It is about you.

Anytime honesty is forsaken to reach a desired outcome, it is controlling and manipulative. Your husband deserves better, and frankly, so do you. When we hone in on an outcome, and then compromise our integrity to reach that outcome, that is manipulation in its purest form.

I hope you recognize the difference between name-calling and an honest attempt to actually help you achieve something greater.

Best of luck to you.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

I truly appreciate all advice given, even the hard to hear, and am using it to better my marriage. Thank you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> Thank you badsanta and peacem for the practical advice.* We have plenty of sex and other play, I just wish I enjoyed it.*


If you feel smothered, try putting more distance into your play!

Another example of using your husbands sexual tension in a positive way, and encouraging him to enjoy it apart more might be the following: Ask him to read books on sex therapy. You should pick some out in advance. As he reads them, he may discover helpful ideas and insights that he could put to use in your marriage. Here are a few suggestions:

No More Mr Nice Guy (teaches him to be more self reliant)
Come As You Are (a book on understanding female sexuality for females, but for a guy it shows the contrast of sexuality)
Passionate Marriage (discusses types of therapy and examples of couples working though issues)
Mating in Captivity (getting the spark back for when things become too routine)
*
Since he is motivated, let him do all the reading.* Then the two of you can enjoy debating his findings and hopefully start getting things back on track.

Before buying any, ask him if he is willing to read them as a way to help you two understand how to improve things...

Badsanta


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> I've also asked for space to breathe, enjoy me time, and allow distance to miss/want him. I feel better with that space, but he quickly reverts back to old behaviors of clinginess and groping, which pushes me farther away. Because I feel guilty and appreciative of his other efforts, I don't want to hurt his feelings with constant reminders to back off. I enjoy my independence and encourage his. That's something I was attracted to before, but now he's just an extension of me, no longer the strong, independent person he once was with his own interests. He needs a lot of reassurance and affection, especially now (understandably so), but I don't and I have a hard time giving it. It annoys me. Some would die to have this and maybe I would feel differently under different circumstances, but I feel smothered.


I often cling and do things like this when we are emotionally distant. 
So the more he turns me away, the more I cling. Once he gives me words of affirmation that everything is okay with us, I usually go back to normal. 

Your husband feels your distance and may want to be close in order to know that everything is okay with you. 
He can sense something is going on and probably knows that you are not enjoying sex with him. 

May I ask, what is it about the OM that has your feelings, what does he have that your husband lacks? 
Perhaps figuring this out may help you in your marriage. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> Thank you badsanta and peacem for the practical advice. We have plenty of sex and other play, I just wish I enjoyed it. Hopefully, I will feel different one day. For the naysayers, when I mention space, I do not mean any major time apart or time to sneak off with OM. I mean being able to cook without him under my feet or groping me, being able to go to the grocery store and shower alone, being able to have friends or hobbies of our own, etc. We have more to talk about and share when we do some things on our own. We do a lot of fun stuff together, have very similar opinions/beliefs, and never argue. But I do not believe in the traditional "becoming one" in marriage. I prefer two whole individuals on the same team through life and in love. I simply do not feel the way I think I should and acknowledged an inappropriate interest in an old flame. My husband has chosen to stay with me and work on this together. This has been an eye-opening experience for us both and surprisingly a lot of good has come from it. If I could rename my post it would include how to rekindle feelings for husband and lose feelings for OM. It's a bad place to be in and I would never choose this, despite what the name-callers may think. Thanks again for the helpful advice.


Your husband is probably clingy because he senses you no longer love him romantically. You need to tell him how you feel, eventually he will give up and break away from you, it may happy faster when he realizes that you have now cheated on him twice, the second time being initiated by you. Face it right now you are only with him because it is safe, you have no desire to be a marital partner to him. This is very unfair to him, he didn't marry you for you to become his friend, he married you for you to become his wife.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

MrsAldi, there was an instant connection with OM years ago and now, that I can't really explain. I think it's physical attraction and feeling understood and appreciated. My husband is not a good listener, often times interrupting, speaking over me, or sharing his opinions rather than simply listening and validating. I'm sure the taboo of the OM enhances these feelings I shouldn't be having towards him.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Sokillme, my husband is aware of how I feel and has chosen to work on our marriage together. I hate that I don't feel the way I should about the right person and hope that I do one day. He deserves happiness, as do I. I'm not giving up and neither is he. I wish it was as simple as telling myself to feel or not feel a certain way about a certain person. I know right from wrong, but can't help how I feel.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MrsBride the POSOM (never forget to include the piece of sh!t part when referring to the OM because that is what he is, pure and simple) is a good listener because he wants to fvck you! Everybody knows that! He wants in your pants. 

Is he physically more attractive than your husband to you? Taller ? Better shape ? Good firm jaw ? Full set of teeth and head of hair ? What ?

I guess I don't need to remind you that these are fleeting things and shallow at best.

Instant attraction is fine - as in first impressions. Then as you get to know the person you find out he/she isn't as wonderful as he/she seemed. Especially if he exhibits [email protected] behaviour. Like hitting on a married woman etc.

So lets get back to your husband. Is he unattractive ? Unfit ? Bad breath ? What attracted you to him in the first place. If he is clingy, its because he wants you - this is something that can be worked on.

Tell him the truth and send him here to this forum. We can help him heal and get better.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> MrsAldi, there was an instant connection with OM years ago and now, that I can't really explain. I think it's physical attraction and feeling understood and appreciated. My husband is not a good listener, often times interrupting, speaking over me, or sharing his opinions rather than simply listening and validating. I'm sure the taboo of the OM enhances these feelings I shouldn't be having towards him.


I can understand that. 

I guess my point is that you may need to have a talk with your husband about this, write it down in a letter so he can't interrupt, tell him exactly what you said here. 

The OM is probably looking good right now because things aren't complicated, but if you got with him, no doubt he will probably stop listening and being attentive, validating etc. All relantionships eventually become complicated somehow. 

Your husband loves you, give him a chance to work on it. If he really loves you, he will really try.  







Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If my hb was regularly groping me while I'm trying to cook dinner I would have zero desire to have sex with or be anywhere near him. 

Another man isn't going to cause that to be annoying and off putting.

Methinks there's some triggering and projecting going on in this thread.

So while OM definitely needs to be cut off I don't think OP will magically want her hb again.

Clingy behavior is unattractive.....particularly for women because it makes our man look weak. 

OP, have you told him directly that the constant groping and clinging is unattractive?

What is his response?

Forgive be if you addressed this and I missed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Manfromlamancha, yes the OM is more attractive IMO and it's more than just physical appearance. I find confidence and independence very attractive. But yes, he is also physically fit, manly, and sexy. My husband let himself go after we got married and has become insecure. Some may call it shallow, but I want to be physically attracted to my spouse and hope he finds me attractive as well. I know age will take its toll on us all, so there needs to be more. But I beleive people should take as much pride in their appearance as they did when trying to win someone over, not have an "I've got you now" attitude. MrsAldi, I also appreciate good deep conversations and love to feel like the person I'm talking to gets me. I have shared this with him and he's working on it. Writing is a great way to say what you want to say without interruptions. Thanks for your responses.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thank you lifeistooshort for understanding where I'm coming from. That is exactly how I feel. I think it's human nature (for most) to want a little bit of a challenge and having someone follow me around 24/7 clinging to me or humping my leg is not attractive. Yes, I have told him and he may do better for a very short while, but goes back to his normal behavior.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One thing I notice a lot on these threads is that as soon as another person is involved projecting starts and the wayward is accused of rewriting and lying. 

As if wayward have no valid complaints and betrayed contributed nothing.

Oh you'll hear about how the betrayed is responsible for half the marriage, but it's lip servic, , because in the end the wayward is accused of rewriting and lying so clearly they have no valid complaints at all. If not for AP everything would be great. 

No, not really. 

It can be hard to separate valid complaints from the fact that a spouse can't compete with an affair and thus things that might not otherwise annoy you will now annoy you when you're comparing spouse to exciting affair.

The fact is that needy, clingy men are not attractive. Period. Particularly needy, clingy men who let themselves go after marriage and don't think enough of their wives to keep themselves up.

I would imagine husbands feel the same way, though I wonder if the clinging is as off putting because so many men like to save women. Probably an individual thing.

OM didn't create this. I'm like you mrsbride in that I like a little space, and if my hb let himself go and constantly followed me around and groped me I'd have no desire for him at all. That comes across as very weak. 

So perhaps your hb needs a woman who is ok with this. Definitely cut off OM but if you're going to make a go of it with your hb you're going to have to be brutally honest with him. 

Don't fake enjoyment during sex and be direct about what you need from him. Then if he provides it give him some positive feedback and maybe an extra cuddle.

When you're making dinner tell him directly to stop groping you and that you'll cuddle some after dinner.

If he can't do this maybe he's not a good match for you. 

And tell him you wish he'd take better care of himself. Just make sure you're taking equally good care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thanks lifeistooshort. I find that a strong, independent man is attractive and weakness, laziness, etc. is a big turn off. Our problems definitely started before OM entered the picture, but everything really came to light then. OM made me feel alive again and made our marriage deficits stand out even more. I decided I wanted more out of life and marriage. I realize this takes work and is what we're doing now. I wish we hadn't let it get to this point, but we did. I would have never in a million years thought I'd be in this situation. I do not agree with infidelity or dishonesty. I've been cheated on and devastated. I would never want to be the cause of such pain. Yet here I am with feelings for someone else. It's easy to judge someone for being in the wrong, but things really aren't so black and white.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> Thanks lifeistooshort. I find that a strong, independent man is attractive and weakness, laziness, etc. is a big turn off. Our problems definitely started before OM entered the picture, but everything really came to light then. OM made me feel alive again and made our marriage deficits stand out even more. I decided I wanted more out of life and marriage. I realize this takes work and is what we're doing now. I wish we hadn't let it get to this point, but we did. I would have never in a million years thought I'd be in this situation. I do not agree with infidelity or dishonesty. I've been cheated on and devastated. I would never want to be the cause of such pain. Yet here I am with feelings for someone else. It's easy to judge someone for being in the wrong, but things really aren't so black and white.


Fantastic fantasy man is a fantasy. You don't live with the POSOM, you only see an idealized version of him. I can see how you would think that your loving husband is a weak man, since he's trying to make a life with a wife who doesn't love him. What a weakness!! POSOM is such a great go-getter that's trying to take your weak, lazy husband's wife away to get in her pants. Give your head a shake...


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

No Ralph, I do not think loving your spouse or fighting for your marriage is weak or unattractive- it's the other things previously mentioned. I tell myself all the time that OM is a fantasy and hope that makes me feel differently about him one day. The what if's remain a challenge for me. He's not a stranger, I've known him for many years. I wonder what life would be like if this or that happened differently and why we keep reconnecting. But I do not wish to feel this way at all.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Maybe I missed it somewhere but how old are you and your husband and how long have you been married/together? Do you have children?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So besides sincerely appreciating everyone's advice, what are you doing? Have you told your husband?


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Hope- yes and marriage counseling. Lifeiscomplicated- late 30's, almost 10 years, and yes (1).


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

mrsbride said:


> Manfromlamancha, yes the OM is more attractive IMO and it's more than just physical appearance. I find confidence and independence very attractive.* But yes, he is also physically fit, manly, and sexy. My husband let himself go after we got married *and has become insecure. Some may call it shallow, but I want to be physically attracted to my spouse and hope he finds me attractive as well. I know age will take its toll on us all, so there needs to be more. But I beleive people should take as much pride in their appearance as they did when trying to win someone over, not have an "I've got you now" attitude. MrsAldi, I also appreciate good deep conversations and love to feel like the person I'm talking to gets me. I have shared this with him and he's working on it. Writing is a great way to say what you want to say without interruptions. Thanks for your responses.





mrsbride said:


> *A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control* (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. *Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off.* We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have *resumed communication*. My *husband is wonderful*, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the *other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home* and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I *worry about* what it could lead to and *getting caught*. Please help. Thanks.





Alright, so if I understand this correct:




Your husband is wonderful AND YET your husband is clingy, weak (not wonderful).


Your husband is overweight WHILE the POSOM is fit (most predators are).


Your past guy (POSOM) "popped up" because he is not getting sex at home (or so he tells you).


You have had the hots for him for some time (past guy, keeps "reconnecting" etc) and despite both of you being caught and the nonsense stopped, you both start it up again secretly and take it further underground. And you do know that this behaviour is despicable and is commonly referred to as cheating.


And, here is the kicker, you come to an anti-cheating/pro-marriage website for advice and support for your behaviour.


And an even bigger kicker - you relate to a few (very possibly misandric) posters here who help you justify your actions and you believe them and not the overwhelming opposite advice from the majority of posters here.


So a couple of questions …

This POS guy from your past - have you slept with him in the past when you were together ? Was he good in bed ? Better than your husband ? If so, why did you break up ? Did he move on (dump you) ? In short is he good in bed and would he be a good partner ?

Would he be a good dad to your kid ? Or does that not matter ?

If the answers suggest that he is not a viable partner for you, then drop him fast and expose him to his wife.

If the answers suggest that he is a viable partner for you (good in bed, doesn't just move from woman to woman and is OK around your kid) then maybe you should pursue this for your own happiness. Don't worry about your husband or his wife (who for some reason doesn't give him any sex). But I would do this in the right way:

Tell your husband first. Come clean about everything to him. Especially how you are not attracted to him anymore and have found someone that floats your boat. Give him a chance to make a real decision for himself.

Send him here so that we can build him up - chances are, if we are successful, he will become fit, independent and very desirable (the traits you like) but for you it will be too late but we will also help him find someone who loves him for him no matter what.

Give him an easy divorce (should be relatively easy to do - you have another vine lined up before letting go of this one) and reasonable custody of the kid (or if it doesn't matter to you give him full custody - might help with lover boy).

And then move out of his life and into your new one.


OR


Acknowledge your shortcomings and work on them. Come clean with your husband and show real remorse in actions not superficial stuff. Do with him what we would do with him to make him more desirable (we can help you do this). If this does not work, then you have every right to leave him. Dump the POS and even expose him to his wife so he stops his predatory ways.


Your call ...


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## NoManTAM (Nov 16, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> I find that a strong, independent man is attractive and weakness, laziness, etc. is a big turn off.


This is textbook. Take a look at atholkay.com and see if you don't find yourself described to a tee. the fact is, basic female biology tells you that you need a strong, independent man as a mate. A clingy, weak, out-of-shape guy will never be attractive, to any woman. The fact that your husband "reluctantly allowed" you to have contact with the POSOM is a huge failure on his part as well. A strong male guards his mate and allows no other man to encroach on his territory. You're not attracted to your husband because you don't respect him and his weakness is a turnoff.

That said, you have to protect yourself from others that will destroy your marriage while you work on it. You must go no-contact with the POSOM if you want your marriage to survive. And have a very directed conversation with your husband about how he is losing you through his behavior and "displays of low value."


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Manfromlamancha, I appreciate all of the practical advice I've been given related to saving my marriage, ending EA, and good books to read. I also really appreciate the ones that understand, not condone, my situation without so much judging. My husband is wonderful, as in a good man, friend, and step-father to my child who is my world. That does not necessarily make him the most attractive romantic partner or mean that sparks are going to fly forever. He is not "fat," but does not take care of himself anymore and does a lot of things that annoy me. I answered questions that others asked about our relationship, attractiveness, and sexuality. I am pro-marriage, hence coming to this site for help to get out of my current situation, to lose interest in OM and regain feelings for H. My H is aware of how I feel and has chosen to stay with me and work on things. He does not want divorce and neither do I. I know how to get a divorce and how to live on my own, but that is not what we want. We want a lifelong happy marriage. Maybe I missed something in the rules of this site if my post is not appropriate. If anyone knows how to delete, feel free. I don't know if OM would be a good lifelong partner for me. We are very compatible in many ways and he's a great dad, but we will never know for sure because I'm not breaking up his family or mine, nor will I report our few phone calls/texts to his wife to hurt her. He did not call me out of the blue and tell me his wife was not having sex with him and ask me to hook him up. We have been friends for a long time with a brief history of more than friends long ago. Our conversations were about life in general, then became more personal and I acknowledged a problem. All of the books and counselors explain how most EA happen over time without the intent of crossing boundaries. I don't know his initial intent, but I do know this was not mine.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> I am pro-marriage, hence coming to this site for help to get out of my current situation, to lose interest in OM and regain feelings for H. My H is aware of how I feel and has chosen to stay with me and work on things.


mrsbride - not sure why others are making you justify the above because I got it in your first post. We are pro-marriage here and I don't think you have been made to feel very welcome considering you were asking for help in healing your marriage and putting EA behind you once and for all. 

So now you have been given advice - where do you go from here? Plan of action?

Edit: just seen MC - great idea. Good luck and let us know how you get on.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thank you very much peacem! I have not talked to OM in a while, but still think about/miss him. My H and I are getting along well, making future plans, etc. Hoping feelings will come back for H and go away for OM soon.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MrsBride, the reason for taking a harsh line is because you seem to justify/defend your actions despite claiming to want to make the marriage work.

Referring to the POSOM in a positive light starts this off. How do you know that he is a good dad ? How do you know for sure that his wife is not giving him sex for the heck of it ? Why does he keep coming back when he knows it is wrong ? And your own gut feel is that he wants sex from you and nothing else. How is he a "good" guy ? Because he "listens" to you and is in shape ?

So for others who think that you have been made to feel unwelcome (the "oh poor Mrs Bride, the bad misogynists are attacking her" crowd) I say - quite the opposite - you have been given the very effective TAM "2 X 4" treatment - look this up in other threads to know what it means. It normally helps you know for yourself what is really happening and what needs to happen next.

The facts are:

You are losing or have lost attraction for your husband.

At the same time a predator has entered your life.

You are conducting an EA.

And your husband doesn't seem to have a clue as to what to do about it.

Maybe a threat of divorce will wake him up and make him act - but you need to get rid of the POSOM from your life first, else it will not work. In order to get rid of him effectively, you need to clearly see him for what he is.

With your husband there maybe just one thing that he needs to work on - with POSOM you have no idea what kind of person he would be around your child (your husband has already proven himself here and he is the step father here), what other traits he has that are unsavoury like hitting on past flames and other married women etc.

I do not think that you need to divorce - but you do need to wake up and stop feeding us lines about the POSOM or how terrible your husband is - you need to take concrete actions here. Your MC may not be good. Your husband may need IC long before he is ready for MC. And …. more than anything he needs the complete truth - not your version of the truth or what you think he needs to know and not know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mrsbride said:


> You're right, I don't "want" to, but I know it's what needs to happen. I'm just having a very hard time doing it. It would be easier if I was happy at home. I was hoping more for ways others have walked away from similar situations and how they've dealt with it. Thanks.


Share this thread with your husband. Especially this part:



> That does not necessarily make him the most attractive romantic partner or mean that sparks are going to fly forever. He is not "fat," but does not take care of himself anymore and does a lot of things that annoy me. I answered questions that others asked about our relationship, attractiveness, and sexuality.


Then let him know what you need from him in that area. Show him what would take your breath away, make you swoon for him. Offer to help him change things.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> Share this thread with your husband. Especially this part:
> 
> 
> 
> Then let him know what you need from him in that area. Show him what would take your breath away, make you swoon for him. Offer to help him change things.


I was about to suggest this before Turnera beat me to it (as always).

Show him this thread and then send him here. He needs a TAM wake-up call!


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

I in no way intend to make my H sound bad or OM like a saint. I simply answered questions about the pros and cons IMO of each, mainly attraction-wise. I do not recall saying that OM only wanted sex either, I just agreed with others that it could be the case if I'm falling for his game (if that is what it is to him), especially after our conversations taking a turn. If it were that obvious (that he just wants sex), I would have no interest in him! Our relationship is more than that. He's a hard-working family man that loves his child more than anything and we've been good friends for years. How do I know? Because I see it and hear it. Good husband? Maybe not since we're here. I remind myself of this daily. I try to talk myself into disliking OM and loving all the great things about my H, but there's just something missing. I have told H over and over what I like don't like, but he does not listen.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

"If it were that obvious (that he just wants sex), I would have no interest in him! Our relationship is more than that. He's a hard-working family man that loves his child more than anything and we've been good friends for years."

It's just words. Your husband probably does these things for real but you're likely too jaded to see. I've been in his position, it's a lonely, lonely place to be.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

You're probably right Ralph, but why? I've been pondering on this for a while.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> My H is aware of how I feel and has chosen to stay with me and work on things. He does not want divorce and neither do I.


Does he know you have cheated on him again, that you are unattractive to him. If so send him here we will help him.

You are fooling yourself when you say this man is a great Dad when he is jeopardizing his children's home by having and emotional affair on the mother of his children with you. 

Also you came her for help, you deserve to be judged you bitterly betrayed you husband and your sons home and step father. You should judge yourself harsher the key to you regaining your marriage is found in your own shame.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> So for others who think that you have been made to feel unwelcome (the "oh poor Mrs Bride, the bad misogynists are attacking her" crowd) I say - quite the opposite - you have been given the very effective TAM "2 X 4" treatment - look this up in other threads to know what it means. It normally helps you know for yourself what is really happening and what needs to happen next.


Some people here justify their own cheating. So it is no wonder they would justify someone elses.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP I know you haven't responded to anything I have written but I would ask you to read this. This is the pain that you and your husband and possibly your affair partner's wife are headed for.

This is why we are harsh on you, because what you have been doing is going to have terrible ramifications for all of you.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

I feel terrible about this. If I didn't, I'd have no problem cheating and doing more than talk to someone a few times. We are not talking anymore and I have never seen him. I am shameful and feel extremely guilty, but I don't see how you or others contributing to that helps the situation. I try real hard not to judge others and at least try to understand where they're coming from even when I don't agree. I didn't plan on being here and don't want to be.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Some people here justify their own cheating. So it is no wonder they would justify someone elses.


Who are you referring to? :scratchhead:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> I in no way intend to make my H sound bad or OM like a saint. I simply answered questions about the pros and cons IMO of each, mainly attraction-wise. I do not recall saying that OM only wanted sex either, I just agreed with others that it could be the case if I'm falling for his game (if that is what it is to him), especially after our conversations taking a turn. If it were that obvious (that he just wants sex), I would have no interest in him! Our relationship is more than that. He's a hard-working family man that loves his child more than anything and we've been good friends for years. How do I know? Because I see it and hear it. Good husband? Maybe not since we're here. I remind myself of this daily. I try to talk myself into disliking OM and loving all the great things about my H, but there's just something missing. I have told H over and over what I like don't like, but he does not listen.


You follow his Facebook feed, are there any other woman he is friends with? Ever ask him the nature of those friends. Again he is not going to tell you he wants sex because he knows you would have no interest in that. Ever talk to his wife about what kind of man he is? Do you think she would say the same as you. How can he be a good father when he is risking his sons family, stability, home, mother?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> I feel terrible about this. If I didn't, I'd have no problem cheating and doing more than talk to someone a few times. We are not talking anymore and I have never seen him. I am shameful and feel extremely guilty, but I don't see how you or others contributing to that helps the situation. I try real hard not to judge others and at least try to understand where they're coming from even when I don't agree. I didn't plan on being here and don't want to be.


Tell your husband the truth then, tell him you have cheated again and you are no longer attracted to him. Give him a fighting chance or you are going to just jump to the next person who fulfills this need in you.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

If I were a drug addict and came to you for help, admitting I had a problem/had done wrong and wanted to do better, would you offer me guidance and suggestions to help me out of my situation or badger me for the wrong that I'm trying to fix? To each his/her own, but I prefer to help people. I know my situation is wrong, I feel bad, and I'm not trying to justify it or continue it. I don't want to hurt anyone. I've only shared how I feel, which is what I'm struggling with, and unfortunately don't have much control over.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

My husband is aware of our situation and loves me very much. He has acknowledged areas he needs to work on, as have I. OM wife appears to be crazy about him. No, I haven't talked to her and don't plan to cause any problems for them. If I wanted to steal someone's husband and break up a family, sure- but no.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> If I were a drug addict and came to you for help, admitting I had a problem/had done wrong and wanted to do better, would you offer me guidance and suggestions to help me out of my situation or badger me for the wrong that I'm trying to fix? To each his/her own, but I prefer to help people. I know my situation is wrong, I feel bad, and I'm not trying to justify it or continue it. I don't want to hurt anyone. I've only shared how I feel, which is what I'm struggling with, and unfortunately don't have much control over.


I would tell you like a drug addict that the first step to healing is reaching rock bottom and acceptance. Part of that for you is telling your husband the truth. You can't build a recovery on lies, the foundation is too week. You can only build a good marriage on authenticity. Your husband needs to be a part of this decision and he needs all the facts. 

Deep down he knows you are not attracted to him, that you don't love him like you once did (if you ever did not sure about that). You said it yourself this is why he is clingy. He can't be the man you want him to be when he is working from such an emotional disadvantage. Maybe knowing will force him to change to compete for you, or maybe he will leave but either way he will start to be proactive. This will be better for both of you.

Also you should not assume that he (your husband) will be content forever with a wife who is not attracted nor emotionally attracted to him. One day he may meet someone who is. In a sense telling him this protects you as well. You have left the marriage, he may have as well but you wouldn't even know it. 

Like anyone else with addiction you need to live an authentic life first and foremost, only in those conditions can recovery occur.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> My husband is aware of our situation and loves me very much. He has acknowledged areas he needs to work on, as have I. OM wife appears to be crazy about him. No, I haven't talked to her and don't plan to cause any problems for them. If I wanted to steal someone's husband and break up a family, sure- but no.


Gently - emotionally you already have stolen him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mrsbride said:


> I do not recall saying that OM only wanted sex either, I just agreed with others that it could be the case if I'm falling for his game (if that is what it is to him), especially after our conversations taking a turn. If it were that obvious (that he just wants sex), I would have no interest in him! Our relationship is more than that.





> Decent men do not subject the object of their affection to such harm. Decent men would not place a woman in conflict with her marital partner, family, children, friends and community… or with herself. Men who engage in such activity tend to be working towards their own sexual gratification over the needs of the woman. The approach then, often involves a process of grooming towards the sexual encounter. The man pursues, the woman resists, the man continues and escalates displays of affection and adoration, and the woman succumbs. The period of grooming will depend on the vulnerability of the woman and the intensity of the pursuit. Guilt and shame are the most common of feelings when the intoxication of the moment subsides and the woman is left to ponder the experience.


Your Social Worker - Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW



> Abusers who groom their victims often claim to have a special connection with the abused. The so- called connection might be emotional, intellectual, sexual, spiritual, or all of the above. This is often backed up by the predator echoing back part of the target's own background or story, altered to fit the groomer’s back-story, in order to confirm the connection.
> In order to abuse or exploit another person without fear of discovery, a sexual predator or con artist will frequently condition their intended victim to keep secrets for them. When building this bond of trust, an abuser may share seemingly personal or private information, and then swear the victim to secrecy. The victim is made to believe that they are being trusted with something of value, before being asked to share something of value with his/her abuser.
> Abusers use shared secrets to bind their victims to them. By degrees, the target is gradually lured in to revealing private information, giving up money, property or sexual favors, or permitting /engaging in inappropriate, unsafe, or illegal behaviors. • The victim is often drawn in to being a "co-conspirator” (also known as forced teaming) with his or her abuser.
> Eventually, the bond of secrecy is nearly always reinforced with threats, shaming and guilt to keep the victim silent about his or her shared crimes or misdeeds.
> ...


Grooming ? Out of the FOG

Here's a good checklist to see if it was intentional on his part:


> Kindness
> Predators are good listeners. They will spend hours talking with you, paying attention to your words and your story. They will ask questions, they will empathize. And they are sincere. So very sincere. You will feel grateful to them, and humbled that they have shown such interest in you.
> 
> Special
> ...


The Characteristics Of A Sexual Groomer

And here's a REALLY good article about how you got into an affair.
The Affair You Don't Know You're Having


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mrsbride said:


> If I were a drug addict and came to you for help, admitting I had a problem/had done wrong and wanted to do better, would you offer me guidance and suggestions to help me out of my situation or badger me for the wrong that I'm trying to fix? To each his/her own, but I prefer to help people. I know my situation is wrong, I feel bad, and I'm not trying to justify it or continue it. I don't want to hurt anyone. I've only shared how I feel, which is what I'm struggling with, and unfortunately don't have much control over.


mrs, the reason people are doing this is because you are clearly on the fence. You could go either way. And we've been around long enough to see how absolutely easy it is for cheaters to run back into the arms of their AP once they try to stay away. We see people here all the time, and they go back over and over again. 

So people are trying to get you to look at your situation from 30,000 above - i.e. without your emotion involved; your emotion is now suspect, because it's been co-opted by the affair.

We're trying to help you stay away for good. 

And if it's hurting your feelings that badly, ask yourself why. Great counselors often say that the things you react most strongly to are usually the things closest to the truth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsbride said:


> You're probably right Ralph, but why? I've been pondering on this for a while.


From what you have said, I can see why you are having problems in your marriage. It's a pretty classic situation of your many of your needs not being met.

I think that you would benefit from reading a couple of books that lay out things to do that fix a lot of what you are talking about.

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"

These are books for both you and your husband to read and work through together. Read them in the order listed.

Plus, I think your husband would benefit from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 

He needs to get some of that independence that you talk about, start taking care of himself and get back to the guy you fell in love with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsbride,

Further.... whatever you do, do not show him this thread. What a God awful idea. That suggest is basically one made by posters who want to blow up your marriage and hurt you. You do need to tell your husband a your truth, but without the nastiness towards you that has been posted on this thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now to the folks posting to the OP. Stop the attacks. She is here to get help, not be attacked and humiliated. If you have no positive input for her, don't post on this thread.

{Speaking as a moderator.}


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Mrs Bride,

Please take the time to read Turnera post. My x- husband was and amazing man in some ways. So amazing that every woman he had an affair with "Believed Him" Thought they "knew him". Am I talking about strangers? no! I'm talking about women that were in our lives for years. One was my best friend, another was a good friend of both of ours that went to high school with him, I did daycare for her and she attended our church. No matter who it was, they thought of him as I did, a kind man, a good father a romantic man. What they didn't know because Its only revealed in the privacy of marriage (not to an outsider-which you are): Sex addict, predator, severe anger issues, insecure, controlling. I found out that he was so bad the women in my family made sure they never were in his presence with out another person.

Does the woman that he is with now know any of that. No.... I highly doubt it, and I will never tell her. She was willing to get into a relationship with a married man. She was willing to believe the lie of romance, excitement at the expense of a marriage and of a family. When I found out about that last affair I divorced him. He begged for me to cancel it, even as he moved into her house. 4 years latter, he is still with her and still keeps trying to sniff around me. The thing about this......She thinks she won! That she has a prize! He's no prize!

My word to you- YOU DON'T KNOW HIM! If he was a good man or not broken in some way, he would not be with you - period! Broken is as broken does. Put two broken people together and see what you get.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thanks turnera and elegirl for the helpful info. I'm reading "Not Just friends" and have read "The Five Love Languages" and "I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You," as well as a few others. So I will add these to my list. This situation and talking to a IC + MC has opened our eyes to things we both need to be doing for the longevity of our marriage and happiness. It's just so hard to be motivated when I feel negative or little feelings toward my H despite my efforts and his, then there's the good feelings toward OM that is so hard to say goodbye to. I know what's right and what I want longterm (happy marriage, no broken families), but it's one of those head vs heart struggles that have me pure miserable. I would never send my H to this thread, but would be happy to share some of the good advice and books with him.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thanks doureallycare2. I did read all of her post and some of it definitely applies. Glad you have moved on from your bad situation. I hope my OM isn't such a con-artist, but you just never know. All I know is what I've seen and heard, which we all know could be lies.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you have SEEN him spend time with a married woman. You've HEARD him give a woman besides his wife his affection. You've SEEN him put more effort into a woman not his wife than he does for his wife. 

Not great attributes, if you ask me.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Touche


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

I'm curious...are you on an SSRI med? Just know that they're notorious for causing loss of feelings for loved ones. My husband was on one, gradually getting worse. Took me awhile to figure it out because it happened slowly. He was apathetic about us, felt miserable with just about everything (couldn't find enjoyment in the usual things) which can lead to seeking novel "things". Apathy, loss of the ability to inhibit himself, increased drinking, poor judgement.....I could go on and on. I couldn't believe that's what our 20+ yr marriage had turned into. When I did figure it out, we started weaning him off the med, SLOWLY.....like tiny drops at a time. When he was about half off it, he felt a fog lift from his brain. A little bit more off it, and he came to me very apologetic for all the stupid hurtful things he'd done (inappropriately emailing former female coworkers and an "old friend" who sough him out). Once he realized all that, he dropped all contact voluntarily, definitely angering the old friend. He knew that wasn't him, but he said he couldn't see that while on the med and would've argued otherwise. 

Anyway, I just wondered...... It's more common than people think. Google SSRIs and emotional blunting and divorce, etc. 

That said, it's simple: are you married? Then you don't do what you're doing. You never let an old beau back into your life. You never tell another man about your relationship with your husband unless it's to praise him. You just don't. Because....why? 

Are you planning on staying married? See previous answer. The only way that answer changes is if you're divorcing or single. It doesn't get any simpler than that. That's the only litmus test you need. 

When the novelty wears off with the new man, guess what.....you are still you, and he's still "a man". Your problem is coming from inside, and nothing you look for outside yourself is going to fulfill you. You WILL take yourself with you. 

Good luck. Attention of any kind is like a drug and makes one susceptible to an addiction.


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## gettingitright (Jun 28, 2011)

You are not to blame for what you are doing or feeling. I'm sorry to see that some commenters are suggesting as much. 

The notion that marriages are work and sacrifice is an old, religious idea. It never understood that the secret to living life with people is play and passion--and that passion includes letting go the idea that it makes any sense at all to make two human beings the ONLY source they can turn to for emotional or physical intimacy over the course of a lifetime.

The old idea is bound to feel horrible and fail people. Evidence for that everywhere you look. It's a social control idea designed to make you feel guilty if you're unhappy. What people need to learn are ways to let people BE. Love need not be a set of painful exclusivity controls. Religion failed utterly when it chose to make sex the enemy--when the real enemy is sexual jealousy.

Young people are figuring this out. New ways of being together (yet not OWNED like hostage slaves by each other) are emerging. No easy solution because 'answers' aren't here yet. But don't let people here tell you sanctimoniously that you are wrong for desperately not wanting meaningful connection to disappear from your life. It's normal to feel that; their philosophy is not normal. Evidence of the pain it causes is everywhere.


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## gettingitright (Jun 28, 2011)

...


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

mrsbride said:


> Thanks turnera and elegirl for the helpful info. I'm reading "Not Just friends" and have read "The Five Love Languages" and "I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You," as well as a few others. So I will add these to my list. This situation and talking to a IC + MC has opened our eyes to things we both need to be doing for the longevity of our marriage and happiness. *It's just so hard to be motivated when I feel negative or little feelings toward my H despite my efforts and his, then there's the good feelings toward OM that is so hard to say goodbye to*. I know what's right and what I want longterm (happy marriage, no broken families), but it's one of those head vs heart struggles that have me pure miserable. I would never send my H to this thread, but would be happy to share some of the good advice and books with him.


Perhaps you have little feelings for your H because you're giving them to OM.


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## gettingitright (Jun 28, 2011)

With respect, it sounds like you're assuming that traditional marriage agreements, in our culture, are perfect things--that we fail them, they don't fail us.

But they do. They are based on exceedingly odd and ancient ideas. Marriage places people in holy (or generally contractual) lockdown mode, where vitality dissipates in the face of long-term familiarity and the childish notion that One Perfect Union can provide all needs. And if it doesn't? The culture blames the victim. There is no shortage of judgemental voices intent on making their own dissatisfactions a condition for everyone else. It's the old religious thing. Life is pain and sacrifice, sexual activity is bad so keep it controlled. Such nonsense.

I hope mrsbride ignores the lashings (a typical biblical punishment) that she's getting here and loves herself for what she's feeling. Own it to the point that she is not oblivious when dealing with others. Express her most honest self to everyone. They may surprise her. They, too, are probably tired of the dull ping pong of yearning and duty, yearning and duty. 

The one right way for two people to be together was not discovered in a desert 2000 years ago, people. Newness, understanding, acceptance, and happiness awaits. Human nature and life and sex and love are far more wonderful than old religious contracts that were created in an age when women were mere property.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

gettingitright said:


> You are not to blame for what you are doing or feeling. I'm sorry to see that some commenters are suggesting as much.
> 
> The notion that marriages are work and sacrifice is an old, religious idea. It never understood that the secret to living life with people is play and passion--and that passion includes letting go the idea that it makes any sense at all to make two human beings the ONLY source they can turn to for emotional or physical intimacy over the course of a lifetime.
> 
> ...


Are you a collage professor?> By the way you haven't a clue what marriage is about, you sound silly making really broad statements? My old idea is working quite well. Besides the marriage what about her commitments or is honoring your word also an old religious idea? You are entitled to your opinion but keep you blanket statements away from my marriage. Gettingitright indeed.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Gettingitright,

Unfortunately the philosophy you are touting is not something new. You speak of old fashioned religious values and yet the "Be free and love free" with no boundaries is older then any kind of purity religion (one man- one wife) All you have to do is study the rise and fall of cultures like: Roman, Babylon, Egyptian and Grecian just to name a few. Some of these cultures even used religion (such as fertility Gods) to promote the idealism of no boundaries as to sex and love. The thing they have in common: They all fell to cultures that promoted stability, structure, higher standards of value and respect, Etc.

Your intellectualism is to be admired, but not the type of cultural changes regarding love and sex you seek to promote.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If it's validation that you're seeking here to embolden you to summarily drop your "Victoria Secrets" and placate to alleviate this OM's sexual dryness, I really don't think that you're going to find a lot of it here at TAM!

My sincere advise would be to tell the OM to not let the proverbial door hit him in the a$$ and to start being the loving committed wife that you had solemnly pledged in your vows to do before God!

Sorry for my overt bluntness, but if that is not remotely possible, then feel free to forsake your H and family and just go ahead and file for D. Then feel free to move on in with this guy that you've "always loved" and has "always loved you!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Arbitrator, I'm not even sure how to respond to your post. I'm guessing you haven't fully read my posts because you're referring to things I haven't said. So just have a nice day.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Gettingitright, I do plan to stay married and hope that our traditional marriage is successful. I appreciate you not judging and condemning me for having feelings that I have not chosen to have. I also believe that a lot of happiness comes from within and that we cannot expect one person (our spouse) to meet all of our needs. I think it's important to have other friends, hobbies, etc. to add to our fulfillment and offer support. Thanks for sharing your perspective. Tabitha, I am not on any anti-depressants or other medications. So glad you and your husband figured that problem out. I do feel rather numb, but I can't blame it on that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

mrsbride said:


> I appreciate you not judging and condemning me for having feelings that I have not chosen to have.


Perhaps this was an error in phrasing, but I am going to take your words at face value for just a moment.

Nobody has given you a 2x4 for your feelings.

They have given you a 2x4 for your actions.

The fact that you appear to be failing to see the difference is incredibly important. Failing to acknowledge that we have choice in how we behave in light of said feelings shows a lack of personal accountability, and is frequently what happens during the justification of an affair.

I hope you see this clearly.

Take care, @mrsbride.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I'm not honestly sure that once the love for your spouse is lost that you can ever truly get it back. It sounds to me like your marriage is already dead. You simply have no desire or attraction for your husband. It will hurt him, but perhaps you just need to release him and let him find someone who can have those feelings for him. 

When we love someone and lose that love, I don't think we can ever regain it to the extent that we once did. In other words, you are facing a battle that you cannot win. You have given away part of your heart to someone else. That's a part of you he can never hope to win back, regardless of how the affair turns out.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

I wish I could change my feelings and thoughts. Yes, I made a very bad decision to let someone back into my life by phone that has further complicated things. We've talked a couple of times and did discuss things we shouldn't have, such as our feelings about our marriages and each other. We agreed it's inappropriate and that we shouldn't continue due to our marriage/family commitments, but that doesn't change how I feel. I still think about/miss OM and don't feel the way I should for my H, which began way before OM. My purpose coming to this site was to find guidance in getting through this- losing feelings for OM and regaining them for H. The books and practical steps are helpful. It's also helpful to hear whether or not there's hope (success stories or not so happy endings). I want H to be happy and have told him I may not be the best person to do that, but he loves me and wants us, not divorce. I've already admitted my wrongdoing and am trying to fix things, the judgemental posts just don't help anything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't you handle judgment? I'm asking seriously. Something to think about.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> mrsbride,
> 
> Further.... whatever you do, do not show him this thread. What a God awful idea. That suggest is basically one made by posters who want to blow up your marriage and hurt you. You do need to tell your husband a your truth, but without the nastiness towards you that has been posted on this thread.


Mrs Bride,

I dont agree with the above. And as others have said, you are not getting 2X4's because of the way you feel, but more to do with what you are doing or saying.

I do believe that this is not what you want to be - a cheater. I also believe that you have fallen out of love with your husband and that the "I love you but am not in love with you" really applies here. And that is an emotional need of yours that needs to be filled. But not by others - yet. You need to either get this situation fixed or else separate to pursue other (worthy) people. And all this has to be done from a position of complete honesty else it will not work.

So first things first. Your husband needs to know the full situation which is:



He is not meeting your needs. You probably have already told him this and probably have spelled out what he needs to do. If you have, then it is he who needs the 2X4 to the head as he appears to be doing all the wrong things. You did love him once and either he has changed OR you have changed OR both. In any case your counselling (individual and marriage) needs to recognise this and help you come to terms with it and then take the right actions to remedy this. Sometimes it takes a real jolt (even as far as the start of an EA to push people into action although I wouldn't recommend an affair - probably more like a real, partially-actioned threat of leaving). You appear to have had your jolt in the attraction you feel for your ex and you have done the right thing in acknowledging and recognising it and now want to fix it - this is commendable.


You have turned to an ex who you claim is a good man, a friend and is also married (but allegedly not getting any sex at home from a wife who adores him). None of this really rings true - if he was a good man and a friend, he would be giving you the same advice we are. Also he shouldn't be discussing his wife with you. So what you really need to do is not only drop this guy but actually recognise him for the "not-so-nice" (I was going to say POS) person that he is. Once you do this, your attraction will disappear. The lists provided by Turnera should help you with this as all predators appear to be great friends/people. So in summary, not only drop him, but also recognise him to be a bad person AND bad for you.


Lack of honesty - this really, really needs to be addressed here. You are lying to your husband right now. He needs to not just know what you think is wrong with him but also what you are doing/have done about it. And then he needs to know how you really feel about the situation - as honestly as possible. This is where sharing this thread with him can help (as well as helping with providing the jolt he needs).


Your lack of understanding as to what to do. First, stop saying nice things about the OM. Second stop justifying your contacting him (especially when you also say that you know it is wrong). The road to repair is not easy or short - it could take some time and serious effort and commitment on both your parts to make this better. It may not get to what it was before - it may get to something different but good or even better than what you had. But you need to work on it (without the other guy in the picture). The reading material mentioned here is just a starter. You need a really outstanding set of counsellors and don't be shy to fire the ones that you (and/or your husband) don't have a good feeling about.


You are generally a good person that has made some bad choices but want to fix this.



This is my summary of your current situation and I think that your husband needs to know this.

Show him this thread and send him here ONLY IF you are not making progress - we can "help" him see the light and reality of the situation. I do believe that you are a loving wife but are blinded by infatuation (and maybe a touch of lust). I also believe that somewhere along the way one or both of you "dropped the ball" (to use a rugby term).


Action list:

Drop OM and recognise him internally as bad (for you).

Come clean about everything.

Create jolt (really threaten to leave).

Start the work.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Manfromlamancha, thanks for the good advice. I agree with everything except sending H here. I believe in honesty, but do prefer to spare his feelings a bit. I don't fear him walking out as others have stated. I fear hurting him. However, I have been honest about how I feel in the nicest way possible. I have told him a million times what I need to feel emotionally connected and what kinds of physical touch I do/don't like and he's shared the same. Unfortunately, he puts forth a lot of effort at first but goes back to his old ways. We both got lazy in our relationship somewhere along the way and this has been a huge eye-opener for us. Hopefully, with time, we will rebuild what we lost or better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mrsbride said:


> I have told him a million times what I need to feel emotionally connected and what kinds of physical touch I do/don't like and he's shared the same. Unfortunately, he puts forth a lot of effort at first but goes back to his old ways.


Ok, here is where you have to start doing things a little differently. It's human nature to fall back into familiar patterns. So it's up to you to make it clear what you need from him. And what will happen if he doesn't stick to what you need. 

I often suggest that you set up a REGULAR 'state of the marriage' meeting. Meaning, the first Sunday night of every month, for example, you two will just sit down, no tv on, no kids, and just see how you feel things are going. You agree to NOT take things personally or be mean. Keep it safe. Both of you.

Further, if there's one issue in particular that needs addressing, you need to set clear goals for how it's going to change and what will happen if it doesn't. We can help with that, if you have specific problems.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

mrsbride said:


> Manfromlamancha, thanks for the good advice. I agree with everything except sending H here. I believe in honesty, but do prefer to spare his feelings a bit. I don't fear him walking out as others have stated. I fear hurting him. However, I have been honest about how I feel in the nicest way possible. I have told him a million times what I need to feel emotionally connected and what kinds of physical touch I do/don't like and he's shared the same. Unfortunately, he puts forth a lot of effort at first but goes back to his old ways. We both got lazy in our relationship somewhere along the way and this has been a huge eye-opener for us. Hopefully, with time, we will rebuild what we lost or better.


MrsBride, I did not say to send him here immediately - only as a last resort. One of the reasons he goes back to his old ways is that he has not had a real wake up call - a jolt so to speak. You initiating divorce, separating, and/or sending him here will deliver exactly that jolt. He has had minor shocks at best (catching you in an EA) but no major wake up call.

I agree that you both probably got set in your ways partially, changed partially leading to this. If there once was a man there that you found attractive, it can happen again!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

mrsbride said:


> I wish I could change my feelings and thoughts. Yes, I made a very bad decision to let someone back into my life by phone that has further complicated things. We've talked a couple of times and did discuss things we shouldn't have, such as our feelings about our marriages and each other. We agreed it's inappropriate and that we shouldn't continue due to our marriage/family commitments, but that doesn't change how I feel. I still think about/miss OM and don't feel the way I should for my H, which began way before OM. My purpose coming to this site was to find guidance in getting through this- losing feelings for OM and regaining them for H. The books and practical steps are helpful. It's also helpful to hear whether or not there's hope (success stories or not so happy endings). I want H to be happy and have told him I may not be the best person to do that, but he loves me and wants us, not divorce. I've already admitted my wrongdoing and am trying to fix things, the judgemental posts just don't help anything.


I don't think it's a good idea to leave your husband and flee into the arms of another man. That said, if you truly don't feel a connection or love towards your husband anymore, you probably should leave him, because it's not fair to the both of you to live a lie, really. But, if you leave, I suggest being single for a time, get your head clear...and figure out who you are, and what you want. And the jerk that contacted you and KNOWS you're married...will always be ''that guy.'' Don't be ''that girl'' who is the OW. If he would tempt a woman away from her husband, he will do it TO you, someday...if you go with him. 

Good luck on this.


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## mrsbride (Aug 25, 2016)

Thanks you all!


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I notice that you've said repeatedly that you are waiting to develop feelings for your husband and lose feelings for the other man. Well, unfortunately, you're doing it backwards. Waiting for the feelings to show up on their own before you take action is a terrible idea. Feelings can be induced by actions, and they often are. It's honestly not as difficult as it sounds. All you have to do is "act" like you're madly, head-spinningly, heart-racingly in love with your husband, and the feelings will return in good time. 

A good place to start with this is to ask yourself what you used to do when you were first going out? What did you used to do when you were trying o impress him? If you're like me, you spent thirty minutes trying to decide between wearing pink lip gloss to make him think you're cute or wearing red lipstick to make him think you're sexy. You probably planned out your first texts or e-mails or conversations as a couple in your head. You probably fantasized a lot. So start doing all that again. 

Fantasize about him. Make yourself look sexy and sweet for him. Write him poetry to impress him. Take him out for dinner or drinks or a movie and try to strike a balance between giving off a flirty I'm-all-yours vibe and giving off an air of mystery. He'll be all over you like a basset hound on a steak. and in all that concentrating, planning, and wooing, you'll have likely forgotten about the OM and maybe started to pick up some butterflies for your husband.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

JimMinVA said:


> In fact, my SO of 16 years was caught with her OM *in the act* by our two daughters, *ages 8 and 11.*


What in the.....



JimMinVA said:


> I don't want to let go of my marriage


And you STILL want her after what she exposed your small children too?!?

Wow Jim. No words......


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