# sharing triggers or WS bashing?



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Would like opinions and/or advice...

FWH and I in fairly good R with typical ups and downs after disclosure of LTA and another 20 year old LTA that was kept secret.

Problem: I still dismally trigger when I see either woman. I can trigger off of the other usual sources too but have been fairly successful beating those down on my own.

But heres the thing: I feel I should be able to share these feelings when I trigger with my FWH as they are aroused due to his decision to cheat. I have absolutely no other person to talk it over with as we decided to not expose his infidelity to friends/family. Of course I could engage the services of a therapist which I have done in the past.

Now some people, my FWH included, might consider this punishing him over and over, hanging on to and bringing up the past to hurt him or throwing it back in his face, etc.

Typically I try to share my emotions in a non judgemental way,I guess to vent them but also to elicit some sort of sympathy or support but that doesn't usually work out that way. FwH just usually shuts down or pushes back defensively. Obviously it is very difficult for him to emphathize or it arouses too much negative emotion for him. However last night when I explained to him that in the beginning I never held any animosity towards his APs before I learned they were his mistresses, that HE himself put that on me by his choice to engage with them inside our marriage, I think a light went off in his understanding. I told him if I feel the horrible triggering from even just the sight of them, he should have the willingness to listen to what I feel come what may.

Am I wrong in my reasoning? I hate that these women have so much power over me still...I know only I can deal wih that but how do I make him understand that I need to express it and hear him respond in some way to what I feel which is that there are still some issues out there we haven't worked thru.

Or am I simply trying to punish him by making him feel as bad as I do.

Opinions please.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Holding you emotions in is unhealthy and will seed resentment towards your husband and lets face it, you are still raw from this experience and already have some form of contempt due to his behavior. Avoiding conflict is also a relationship killer, conflicts are healthy when both parties are engaged. 

Don't fight the triggers, you will only be lying to yourself, so make sure when you do have them to let them flow and talk with him later at an appropriate time so he cannot disallow you from expressing yourself in the face of a reasonable excuse for not being able to talk. 

Also, write them down. You will find that in writing, your thoughts will materialize different on paper than with words. And it also gives you a time to properly identify your feelings with certainty.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I never tell my wife about triggers. I forgave her so I just suck it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Maybe I missed it, but you don't mention how long ago you found out.

My personal view is that there does come a point in time when the sharing of triggers with the CS is probably not the best course. How long is that? Depends on the severity of the betrayal and how the A was handled. If it was not rug swept and the CS has demonstrated remorse, I'd say 2 to 5 years.

The exception would be triggers that are inflicted due to the inconsiderate action of the CS. That should always be talked about.

Just my 2 cents.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I typically don't bring them up because I can quash them pretty fast. However, if he's around me when it happens, he asks me about it because he can sense a change no matter how much I try to hide it. Sometimes we discuss and sometimes I tell him I just need five minutes of me time. Triggers happen much less now and with much less severity. We are getting close to the two-year mark from DDay.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Write them down is good advice. This is a totally involuntary process. Still, WSs I think may tend to have a hard time with how you are having a hard time with their infidelity. I was told (and the view of my wife's friends and family was) that I was emotionally abusive because I could not just get past it and let it go. I couldn't. I can't. But I don't talk or ask about it anymore.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

First, it was a mistake to not expose. This would hold him more responsible both for his actions and for your well being in R- specifically triggerrs.

Second, he has to be a man and own up to his betrayals. Period. And part of that is being a sensitive shoulder for you when these triggers occur. How long? For the rest of his life. It comes with the territory.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

All great responses..thank you.

Its been 3.5 years from dday 1 when I discovered second A of 6 years. 1.5 years of FR with TT and pursuit by dumped OW. 2 years since WH admitted first A 20 years ago exposed by OW #2 in attempt to break us up...

Yes, big mistake to not expose...no consequences, no feeling of justice for me. I think thats why I trigger so hard when I see his OWs walking around like nothing happened...(tho both their husbands knew of As.)

I will begin to journal again to analyse my feelings better and perhaps find a therapist who specializes in forgiveness. I have been able to forgive my husband for some things...but not for others eg. the length of both As and denying the first when I had a letter exposing it. I believed him and let my suspicions go and thats on me but I know if we had addressed he problems in the marriage at that time and the issues of the first affair, the second would have been so much less likely. So many wasted years and pain for all.

Can a marriage be rebuilt and made fulfilling if some things are never forgiven? If I learn to suck it up and allow time to pass? How do I gain that strength that some of you have expressed to just let it go?

Besides grieving for the shattered beliefs I held about marriage, and my husband, I grieve for the person I use to be. I am a very different person now, so much more cynical and suspicious of the world and the people in it. ..defenses always up. I just dont see the path to becoming the better, stronger and more compassionate person this adversity has pointed to. But I will keep wandering and just hope all will be well in the end one way or another.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Why do you and your husband still have contact with his former OW? 

No contact between the spouse and his/her affair partner is pretty much the gold standard advice for R. I'm afraid that as long as you know there's the possibility of renewed contact between your husband and these women, you'll always be ripe for triggering.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> Would like opinions and/or advice...
> 
> FWH and I in fairly good R with typical ups and downs after disclosure of LTA and another 20 year old LTA that was kept secret.
> 
> ...


******************************************************

I REFUSE to carry this the rest of my life.
I agree...R in some cases works...again after my nightmare,there was NO WAY I could forget much less forgive to even phantom the thought of R.

MY best friend from my college days is in his 2nd yr of R...It seems his WW is doing the WS script to the tee....GREAT

However,he triggers several times a week is UP and DOWN....has constant trust issues( which i believe he will have from now on) his self esteem is shot...and is happy one minute and crys the next.....FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?


I filed for D within 60 days...and kicked her out..

Funny I NEVER TRIGGER!


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