# Let's flip this around; How would you respond if after a good first date, that person told you they prefer to multi-date?



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is flipping around the other thread where instead of the other party asking for dating exclusivity, the other person states they prefer to mult-date/play the field/keep their options open/spin plates/date around, whatever you want to call it. 

So here's the scenario - you meet someone you find very attractive and interesting. A date is arranged and you both have a great time and hit it off very well. 

After said date, this person tells you that they really enjoyed the date and wants to see you again..... and they then tell you that do not have any interest in only dating one person exclusively at this time and that they are in fact currently in contact with and dating other person(s) at this time and asks you if you are OK with that. 

What is your response??


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

There's now *THREE* threads about multi-dating! 

This happened to me actually on one of my other dates (the 5 date one) and how I knew I was non-exclusively dating her, but we didn't talk about it until date *3*. The other guys didn't get past date 1 though which I found out and laughed about later lol - I had no expectations she was exclusive anyway, so it was just like "duh"

I also dated someone else while dating her, so hey, all is fair in love and war.

Even though we stopped dating on date 5, she never broke my trust or led me on or did anything wrong so she's now in my pen pal collection.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hahahaha! I would tell her to enjoy but without me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There wouldn't be anymore dates with me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I should also add that I would appreciate their honesty, because it allows me to make a decision about my life with all the info in front of me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nope, they can go have fun without me. 

Side note: If I don't care that he's dating others it's because I'm not that interested in him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I don’t multi date. I don’t date those who multi date.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

frusdil said:


> I should also add that I would appreciate their honesty, because it allows me to make a decision about my life with all the info in front of me.


Since you also responded to the other thread about dating exclusively, let me pose this question then - would you then draw a similar parallel of appreciating honesty if someone told you that they only date exclusively after the first date?

Let me soften the verbiage of the other thread however and say that this person wasn’t demanding that you be exclusive, but rather stating their preference is to only date one-on-on and won’t date unless it’s they are the only one you are dating?

I’m not asking if you would agree to that are not.

I’m asking if you see that as the same level of honesty and candidness or do you see that as fundamentally different in some way?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Since you also responded to the other thread about dating exclusively, let me pose this question then - would you then draw a similar parallel of appreciating honesty if someone told you that they only date exclusively after the first date?
> 
> Let me soften the verbiage of the other thread however and say that this person wasn’t demanding that you be exclusive, but rather stating their preference is to only date one-on-on and won’t date unless it’s they are the only one you are dating?
> 
> ...


If I'm understanding your question correctly, that is, they tell me that from date one they only want to date me, then yes I would appreciate that honesty as it gives both parties the ability to make a decision about their lives. I'm not a fan of multi dating for me, it's just not my thing, so that would tell me that we share the same values on that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> This is flipping around the other thread where instead of the other party asking for dating exclusivity, the other person states they prefer to mult-date/play the field/keep their options open/spin plates/date around, whatever you want to call it.
> 
> So here's the scenario - you meet someone you find very attractive and interesting. A date is arranged and you both have a great time and hit it off very well.
> 
> ...


Having not been in that situation, I can only answer hypothetically, however, if it's after one date I'd appreciate the honesty and in this hypothetical scenario, likely be uninterested in exclusivity to start with in the first place. However, I'd also be honest in relaying that I'm not down with casual sex. Therefore, if non-exclusive dating also equated to sexpectations being in the mix, then it'd be a non-starter. 

I acknowledge that if I started catching feelings after several dates then I'd likely cut things off as ultimately I'd want to reduce my chances of getting hurt.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> I’m asking if you see that as the same level of honesty and candidness or do you see that as fundamentally different in some way?


This messed with my head. I have issues. Where's @Laurentium when you need him?

I could more easily accept the sentiment of 'I'm not into dating exclusively at this point and are you okay with that' than 'I only want to date one-on-one and to know that you're doing the same'. The first, gives me breathing space. The second has me feeling stifled. Like I said...issues. 

And yes, when I met Batman I did express on our first date (in a cringe-worthy way) that I wasn't down with casual sex. He was fine with that. At the same time, as part of initially getting to know one another more, we relayed that we ought to keep things 'loose' between us. Both of us expressed that. Until the opposite was expressed. Our actions inadvertently signalled exclusivity though as we were into one another.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

frusdil said:


> If I'm understanding your question correctly, that is, they tell me that from date one they only want to date me, then yes I would appreciate that honesty as it gives both parties the ability to make a decision about their lives. I'm not a fan of multi dating for me, it's just not my thing, so that would tell me that we share the same values on that.


Said like a reasonable person.



I'm making fun of myself @frusdil


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> This is flipping around the other thread where instead of the other party asking for dating exclusivity, the other person states they prefer to mult-date/play the field/keep their options open/spin plates/date around, whatever you want to call it.
> 
> So here's the scenario - you meet someone you find very attractive and interesting. A date is arranged and you both have a great time and hit it off very well.
> 
> ...


I've been in this scenario. I am/was okay with that, as I would be doing the same. The point of dating is to find someone (or more than one) truly compatible, and when that happens, other people are no longer an issue. We choose each other because we are the best match. If either/both are polyamorous, it's more complex - I'm poly, so it's usually more complex, but if you find someone truly compatible you go with that and figure it out from there. If either/both of you want/need other relationships to be happy and fulfilled, you work that out. My wife and I did exactly that. We both dated others while we were dating, and agreed that we'd have the option to continue doing so after we became a couple. We both had other relationships, but none were as significant or lasting as ours. 22 years later, that's still working for us; we still have the best relationship of anyone we know, and we are still okay with dating;/having relationships with others.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Said like a reasonable person.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm making fun of myself @frusdil


Haha I feel ya sister! I personally HATE dating, relationships are my jam, but dating? Ugh.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Haha I feel ya sister! I personally HATE dating, relationships are my jam, but dating? Ugh.


Gotta say, my relationship with Batman is my jam. 

Given I didn't think I'd want to be married (never had that daydream or as a priority growing up), he corrupted me in the best ways. Turns out, I rather dig this marriage thing with HIM. Now he's lumbered with me.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I would be honest and say that's fine but if it got to the point where we were near sleeping together we would need to have another conversation because I am not interested in sleeping with someone who is also sleeping with a bunch of other people. As I think another person mentioned i might be able to appreciate their honesty but after being cheated on by my XH someone who has no interest in fidelity has little value to me romantically.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> This is flipping around the other thread where instead of the other party asking for dating exclusivity, the other person states they prefer to mult-date/play the field/keep their options open/spin plates/date around, whatever you want to call it.
> 
> So here's the scenario - you meet someone you find very attractive and interesting. A date is arranged and you both have a great time and hit it off very well.
> 
> ...


1. Who does that? That’s really not something people talk about on first dates. Unless/until you commit to being exclusive at some point, it’s very possible that they’re dating other people, as you may be. There’s no need to discuss it.
i’d find it more creepy that they felt the need to discuss it and the fact that they were doing it.
2. That would tell me not to take it seriously and just have fun with it. And not invest a lot of resources.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if on a first date with a super woman and we were connecting to the point that we know there was going to be more dates and A GIRL told me that on a first Date even though I would expect more on a 3th or even a 6th ' 
My response would be I am happy you are honest to me and I will be honest to you , 
I will prove to you that I am the best guy for you , and I encourage you to meet as many as you can to help me prove I am the best for you ,
If it was the 6th date I would say , your free to do as you like , I want you to be with me not because you feel under any type of obligation but you want to be with me but you have your freedom to do as you want when you want ,if you want and if you don't want to that is all so fine with me , feel total free when your with me .


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Gotta say, my relationship with Batman is my jam.
> 
> Given I didn't think I'd want to be married (never had that daydream or as a priority growing up), he corrupted me in the best ways. Turns out, I rather dig this marriage thing with HIM. Now he's lumbered with me.


Omg me too haha. I often joke to hubby that I was perfectly happy single, then he came along and made me fall in love with and mucked it all up 🤣


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Any woman who was lucky enough to get a date with me would never even consider dating someone else. 
Never I tells you!!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yes, I'd appreciate the honesty. I guess I might ask some questions. It's hard to judge in the abstract and out of context. It depends so much how someone says something. 

As I said on the other thread, if someone says they want to continue to date multiple people, I'd guess they just enjoy dating as a pastime, or or maybe it's a power game. I'd have a much better idea from the person's non-verbal communication.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

all these dating questions depend on the two people dating , 
We get all types , AND we get all types of relationships ,
some men here think you have to put down strict boundaries so a woman will respect you , 
others show there woman that they can be trusted so expect the same in return 
no one can say this is the right fix for you as they don't know your wants and your needs your limits 
every case is different


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

I wouldn't have a second date. You're only setting yourself up. Not my type of person and generally not the type of person that has a successful partnership for life.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I would see it as I'm not her type - insert other excuses here - and therefore I would not see this person again. If she thought we were very compatible and she fancied me, she wouldn't want to date other people, only me. I guess. But who knows?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Same deal.

Lady says oh, by the way this was a nice date but you’re not worth giving my full attention to.

Uh ok… bye bye then!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There’s a lot of variables to this question and the main one (for me) is what age group are we talking about. 
People are answering this question as if every date is a possible long term relationship/marriage situation. Younger people don’t usually look on dating like this.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> After said date, this person tells you that they really enjoyed the date and wants to see you again..... and they then tell you that do not have any interest in only dating one person exclusively at this time and that they are in fact currently in contact with and dating other person(s) at this time and asks you if you are OK with that.
> 
> What is your response??


In my head I would question the other person's boundaries & social IQ There is no need to make an announcement like this so I would be wondering why they felt compelled to do so. After one date I would assume a grown adult, especially if it was somebody I met on line, would have other options. There would be no need to say this. So essentially I would question their judgment & the lack of what I consider normative behavior would diminish their attractiveness. 

My response would be something along the lines of

"thanks for letting me know. It's early. We just met. Everybody is a free agent. Do me a favor. Don't rub my face in it. I do not want to hear about it or see you with others. I'm not about to tell you what else I'm doing. If there comes a time in the future that either of us wants to change things, I hope you are comfortable enough to talk to me again at that point."​
Then I would change the subject. & have fun on the rest of that date. I would not have sex with the person. The next day I would make sure I had another date with somebody else to also keep my options open. I would continue dating them if I liked them & in a few weeks if I thought things were progressing toward sex or exclusivity I would raise the subject again to see where we stood.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Omg me too haha. I often joke to hubby that I was perfectly happy single, then he came along and made me fall in love with and mucked it all up 🤣


This pretty much sums up Mrs. R's and my courtship, from each other's point of view. ❤


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I’d realize we’re not compostable and walk. Not chasing a player,


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Dating is dead. The hook up culture is what remains.

Thank them for the heads up and move on if you are looking for something serious.

If you are just out to play, then you are compatible with her until she realizes you are doing the same thing she is.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Compatable.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

snowbum said:


> Compatable.


ah... I've been scratching my head for a couple of hours!


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I expect anyone in my age range to have lived a full life - but multi-dating is not a character trait I am interested in. I think I would pass.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> ....... you meet someone you find very attractive and interesting. A date is arranged and you both have a great time and hit it off very well.
> 
> After said date, t*his person tells you that they really enjoyed the date and wants to see you again..... and they then tell you that do not have any interest in only dating one person exclusively at this time and that they are in fact currently in contact with and dating other person(s) at this time and asks you if you are OK with that. *
> 
> What is your response??


After one date we are probably not sexually/emotionally bonded. So the real question is why would they say that.

I would tell them that I am OK with that, as I hardly know them. I would be curious and ask why they brought it up? Did they have a bad experience in the past, was there something I did that seemed needy and clingy? 

I really think that the concept of instantly falling in love to the point of wanting to build an exclusive relationship takes at least a few months if not several months of effort on two people's part. One date is way too soon.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I thought more on this and out of the two scenarios I compared before, there’s something about going with the flow and seeing where it goes organically versus a more rigid approach. To me, at least. I’d go for going with the flow. Yet I acknowledge that I think that from the stance of currently being in a committed and loving relationship, plus nuanced variables of the hypothetical are missing and may be/feel different if one was to encounter it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

snowbum said:


> I’d realize we’re not compostable and walk. Not chasing a player,


Thinking that a multi-dater is a player is an erroneous assumption. I multi-dated, but was sincerely seeking a lasting and committed relationship - just as efficiently as possible. It was _very _effective and worked for _me_.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

<awkwardly> “OK. Best of luck with that. I had a nice time. Good night.”


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This pretty much sums up Mrs. R's and my courtship, from each other's point of view. ❤


My wife and I were both fed up with the opposite sex. Our 1st date I threw her for a loop as I did not even try to kiss her. Was perfect gentleman and kissed the back of her hand good night. She was left dazed and confused, and even told her BFF that she thought I did not like her. Did not like her!!!! She was the only woman in my brain since I first saw her ~2 weeks prior to meeting or 1st date All others women ceased to exist. Hell I even started organizing the man cave and redecorating the main bathroom. She didn't even know I existed yet.

When we met she was waiting on court date 2 months away to finalize the divorce from serial cheating hubby. Met end of August, divorce final Mid October, moved in with me 1st part Dec, proposed Feb, married May ....25 years ago.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> There wouldn't be anymore dates with me.


 At this point in my life this would be my response. I'm through with the bull**** in relationships. Life is too short and too much life to live for me to put up with "multi-dating"


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I prefer to get to know someone before I would ever make a commitment to them. I don't start caring about if they're multi-dating until I start thinking we might be an actual match or hoped so. I don't believe in getting committed from the get-go. You don't even know the person. To me that's indiscriminate.

If a guy tried to get that kind of commitment for me on the first few dates, I would think this guy is crazy and has a screw loose. And I would stop seeing them anticipating them being too controlling.

And just because a guy wants to lock you down absolutely doesn't mean he will be faithful. It's naive to think so when you don't even know him well enough.

Now if this is someone you have known well and for some reason you two couldn't get together and now you can and you know what you getting into, and you both want it then great


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'd tell her to have a nice life, then bounce.
Life is too short for game playing.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Years ago. I was on Match.com. And whenever I started emailing someone through the site, if they went quiet for a couple days, I said screw it…she’s talking to others and not 100% into getting to know me. Same applies here.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

What I would say, is that the first date wasn't that good for them. I don't like bidding wars. If I am dating for the purpose of establishing a long term relationship, I would expect some chemistry and connection after a date or two, otherwise it is time to look elsewhwere.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have zero interest in someone who multi dates. I'm not going to compete while they continue to shop.

I'm going to focus my energy on one guy to see if that goes anywhere and I expect the same. I feel like you're not going to evaluate someone on their own merits if you're talking to others....there's always that element of competition.

Its a subtle form of "pick a *****" and I'm not playing.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> This is flipping around the other thread where instead of the other party asking for dating exclusivity, the other person states they prefer to mult-date/play the field/keep their options open/spin plates/date around, whatever you want to call it.
> 
> So here's the scenario - you meet someone you find very attractive and interesting. A date is arranged and you both have a great time and hit it off very well.
> 
> ...


Depends:
If the other person only wants to have a hookup, meaning in modern term, have sex with you and you`re OK with that and the person wants to meet and hookup again, then you know it`s not going to progress into a relationship and so up to you if wanting to continue.
If the other person wants to multi date while dating you, it means that person is probaly seeking friends with benefits and again if you`re OK with that then up to you.
But one has to take into consideration with these first 2 options the risks of STDs, HIV and aids.
If you are seeking an actual relationship with that person and the person still wants to date others into the bargain, if this were me I`d call time after the first date knowing it`s going to lead nowhere and of no benefit for me.
So it all depends on what you expect from a relationship, OK with and not OK with.


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## Lookingforwardtolife (8 mo ago)

I had a guy do this. I wanted an exclusive relationship. Out of curiousity I asked if I could see other guys, he said no... I told him to hit the road.


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