# From personal experience either you or someone you know-why would a married man try to make a tinder profile



## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.

we have had both connected
So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)

recently when I went on his phone I looked at his contacts- he had an access code and text message number in his contacts under tinder

he says he has no idea how they got on there- I don’t believe him- and I downloaded an app that says he added that contact Jan 4 2020 at 10:00am on a Saturday morning

I have left him and the kids for a trial separation-he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk- of course none of this pertains to him- its just what he threw out there when I said if he was on there it’s for casual sex and the marriage is over.

I can’t prove that he was on it- no app on his phone or in the cloud but I know you can access through the web site.
We have been together 40 years, get along very well inside and outside of the bedroom. We have freat kids and are ready to retire travel And have fun.

this is devastating for me I don’t know what to do- he’s stubborn and conflict avoidant- I blow up- I don’t think he will tell me the truth


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Because he is willing to cheat. No other reason. Period.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

NJ2 said:


> he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk


That is a load of ********.

No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently "check out" a girl they hadn't seen in years. If they want to **** said girl, then sure, but just to "take a peak"? No.

No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently talk to someone because they are bored. Sure, they may join Tinder to talk to girls but it's for one thing. NSA sex, or an ego boost.

It's possible your husband downloaded the app, maybe talked to someone or got his ego boost, then had second thoughts and deleted it before doing anything physical or getting too far down the EA path. Or it's possible he's had or having an EA or PA. What's not possible (okay, fine, what's highly unlikely) is him doing it just to "check-up" on or innocently "talk" to women.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I agree he was not likely in there to make a new “friend”

im not sure about the checking out an old flingor whatever- I have on occasion looked up an old bf from high school or university just out of curiosity- wonder what they look like now- how did their life turn out... but I never messaged them or had any intent to

he’s a real ****ing asshole if he was looking to hook up with someone old or new

I’m just not sure if it’s worth ending my marriage and a good life if he was just being curious- the night before he’d gone to his brothers house and they were drinking quite a bit- his brother and wife were in a fight and she’d gone to a bar leaving him angry and jealous at home....

the story I tell myself is maybe they were drunk and stupid tried to get in but didn’t or did and it was for an ego boost or a laugh.... not sure how likely that is

no apps were on or deleted off his phone- I checked in his iCloud - I monitor him in rediculously detailed ways- some of which he knows about- he says why would he put that info under his contacts when he knows I look at his phone- good point

I think it’s possible he meant to remove it and forgot- I don’t think there’s any way anyone can add a contact to an iPhone without them knowing/giving their phone?

I called a counselor and he said some men when they are older go on these sites for ego boosts , sexual titalation - or out of boredom , curiosity etc without intent to meet up

I still would be devastated if he was doing that- he’s never watched porn that I’m aware of even though I said I’d watch soft core stuff with him if he wanted to. I also told him a couple of years ago if there was anything he wanted to experiment with I’d be willing to consider it but he said he was happy with our sex life


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm going to be blunt. Your husband is giving you a load of horse ****.

Even if those scenarios he told you were true, that's not how to behave in a marriage, especially one that's in R. He's ON TINDER for chrissake. It's a booty call app. Cliche much?

I'm sorry you are being put through the wringer again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Getting on tinder is to get some.

He was trying to hook up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course, it isn’t innocent. But you’ll never know the truth just as you don’t know the truth from the other incidents. It’s something you accepted then when you decided to stay. And it’s something you’ll either accept or not this time. I’ve thought from the beginning that he does what he thinks he can get away with He’s never wanted a divorce and still doesn’t. That doesn’t mean he’s faithful. I’m sorry.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m definitely biased because I’ve never liked what I’ve heard of your husband in the past. I admit when you decided to reconcile after he refused to redo the poly that I felt you’d be back one day because he cheated and you finally had the proof you need to divorce him. Maybe this is it. Maybe not. At minimum, he’s dishonest and always has been. You just don’t how far he went this time. And the not knowing is what kills you. I know too well how that feels. My husband denied to the end he’d been unfaithful. They were “just friends” he said. I’ll never know All he did over the decades but I finally decided a life without him was less stressful than one with him. I’m going to be blunt. I think you’ll keep him because the pain of losing him is greater than the pain of living with the uncertainty of what he does. That’s a hard life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People don’t go on Tinder, of all places, to talk. Or look. They’re there to hook up. Don’t ever believe otherwise.

The counselor is completely clueless if he thinks married men are on Tinder for any other reason than sex. Some other dating app? Just to look? Maybe (doubtful). Tinder? Not a chance.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

bobert said:


> No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently "check out" a girl they hadn't seen in years. If they want to **** said girl, then sure, but just to "take a peak"? No.
> 
> No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently talk to someone because they are bored.


Agreed. They'd probably use facebook for more innocent curiosity, and not hide it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Openminded said:


> People don’t go on Tinder, of all places, to talk. Or look. They’re there to hook up. Don’t ever believe otherwise.
> 
> The counselor is completely clueless if he thinks married men are on Tinder for any other reason than sex. Some other dating app? Just to look? Maybe (doubtful). Tinder? Not a chance.


Even I don't use Tinder, and I'm in an open marriage!


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I know you’ve had trust issues with him in the past, forget about those, trust yourself. You know, you don’t need us, just trust yourself. 

((( HUGS ))) Sorry.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. sorry sweetie!


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## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

NJ2 said:


> I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.
> 
> we have had both connected
> So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)
> ...


I don't know your husband's intentions but I have heard of some men going on tinder just to see if they were still desirable to women. I have often wondered if anyone would swipe for me (not sure if it's right or left to show interest). That being said I'm married and would never do it because I know it would hurt my wife. Good luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@NJ2,

Is there any way that you could try logging into tinder has him and then click that you forgot your password. Then it will send a change password link. Change password and access his account.

It might be interesting also see if the change password email goes to an email of his you know about or if it goes to some other email. If it does not show up in the email account of his that you know about then he's got a secret email account. (Can you tell I've lived through this? ...just not with tinder

I've never been on tinder. Does it keep a history of people a user has been in contact with?


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Thanks for all your responses-you are telling me what I already know in my heart.

I will try to log on to tinder under his name and see what happens. If he has any brain at all I’d expect he’s deleted his account by now though

I actually believe he never completed his profile- I think he started one and got to the part where he had to add his picture and stopped- you have to add a pic in order to complete your profile and access it

I think he stopped because he is well known in the community and would have been easily recognized- chances are maybe someone would have seen him and told me

ego boost or fantasy without intent? That’s what I’m trying to figure out how likely it is- not right either way but that would be the lesser of 2 evils I guess

he’s early 60’s and had to stop playing a sport that was a part of his identity in a very positive way when all this crap started - he is in 2 sports hall of fames- he had been continuing to play up until almost 60 1-2 times a week.losing that meant he lost some self confidence, perhaps started feeling older, gained some weight and was less in shape than before... he’s still very good looking and not in bad shape for his age- looks 15 years younger than he is

So I don’t know- how likely would it be he was just looking under those circumstances?
The counselor said he is used to the adrenaline rush, Friendships, and anxiety /energy release of the sport
And without that he may have been looking to fill that void innocently- or not
@Openminded I think about you often - your experience is always in the back of my head

you are correct the pain of losing not just him but my whole life - and trying to start over at this point is a lonely and terrifying thought

plus I have the parental example where both parents had multiple affairs but were married for over 60 years- my dad had at least an ea well into his 80’s


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It doesn't really matter if his profile is complete or not....or why he's on Tinder or any other dating platform.

the very fact that he is WILLING to CHEAT ...the means or form or way is less important. He cheating has started from the moment it crosses his mind to look somewhere else outside the marriage.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Re your question "*From personal experience either you or someone you know-why would a married man try to make a tinder profile".

Simply to get laid, a little strange, on the side.*


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*





NJ2 said:



...he insists married men might go on there to check out someone-a girl-that they hadn’t seen in years and heard they were on tinder... or a married man may go on there because they are bored and want to just talk......

Click to expand...



Click to expand...

*So the fairy tale he's trying to sell you - the one where he insists he's innocent and has NO idea how that awful scammer/hacker/troublemaker was able to download Tinder AND have his login confirmation number sent to his phone - is what he's stickin' to? 😁

*



the story I tell myself is maybe they were drunk and stupid tried to get in but didn’t or did and it was for an ego boost or a laugh.... not sure how likely that is 

Click to expand...

*That MIGHT work - but you said the Tinder confirmation code was sent on a Saturday MORNING around 10 am. Is it a habit of his to already be drunk by 10 am on Saturday mornings?

*



he’s never watched porn that I’m aware of even though I said I’d watch soft core stuff with him if he wanted to.

Click to expand...

*LOL. Of course he has. You just don't know about it.

*


Openminded said:



The counselor is completely clueless.

Click to expand...

*LOL...most of them are.

OP, I'm reading comments from other posters here about your husband's questionable behavior in the past, so I think you're fooling yourself trying to believe that maybe he was drunk when he made the profile or that he's trying to get 'thrills' through Tinder now that he had to give up his sport (according to your therapist). It sounds as though you're trying your level best to find a reason you can live with because you don't want to lose 40 years. I get it. I do.

The guy is itchin' to get himself some strange and you'll either have to accept it (becuase it's going to happen whether you try to stop him or not) or you can leave him.

Dragging him to a therapist isn't going to CHANGE the fact that he's craving sexual variety. Your marriage having a satisfying sex life isn't going to change the fact that he craves sexual variety. I'm not sticking up for him, I'm just being REALISTIC.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Thanks for the replies! Yes i am definately looking for a reason that i can live with I know- its just that 40 years is a looooong time and very difficult to throw away. I am still living at our farmhouse and he is staying with the kids in the city. He came up today and we talked for 4 hours. I have stated that I dont believe at all that he didnt do it. I said even if he doesnt remember doing it (and of course he does) that in that moment when he was doing it he had at the very least an intention to find some strange. I have no way of knowing whether he did or not.

That is the reality and I have to move forward with that amount of knowledge. He said he will give me his phones and passwords (which i already know) and I can gps him (which i already do). He said he would go back to counselling and retire at the end of this year. He refers to all the fun we have together and how he loves me blah blah blah. He says he is a good person who has a problem with lying. He says he is trying to change that.(hasnt worked so far)

I must admit that aside from this creepy ******** we have a good life, great kids, and have a lot of fun together- the kind where we laugh so hard together we cry. A couple of years ago we stripped naked at the farm and walked the road We were caught by the people who live in the other side of the house when they came home unexpectadly. Yes there was wine involved...... we enjoy each others company. If you had asked me a year ago I would have said that given the choice he would rather golf with me, play pool with me, have a beer with me, and cuddle with me over anything else in the world......but now ... hes go a hankering for some strange....

I could not start over and have that 40 year history. Besides the A I had 25 years ago I have never really found any other man to be appealing to me. I'm not bad for my age but the 60 year old guys want the 40 year olds. Its the 70 and 80 year old guys that think a 60 year old is a good catch. I'm not interested in nursing any time soon.

I am leaning towards staying up here for as long as I feel like I want to. My kids can visit, my dog can visit. I am happy with my chickens and farm beasties. I get up and have coffee by the fire pit and watch the animals and the sunrise. I look over at the pond and see geese flying overhead. The smell is heavenly and the privacy is just what I need. (there are 2 people who live in a separate apt in the house so I am never scared at night. I dont feel lonely. 

I feel somewhat detached from him- like I dont really know him and maybe never did. I have been very codependant in the past and along with the relationship OCD it has been unhealthy with extreme highs and lows. So this feels like less drama, more independence, and less concern for him, his where abouts and activities. 

I'm making no decisions right now because I dont have to - not for my mental health, not for my kids (they are adults and close enough by) and not out of financial need or loneliness. This kind of feels like a good space. I know people think I should leave him but I want to do what is best for me and it may not be divorce. It may be that this is enough.
Maybe we could just date. An MC once said she thought we'd be very happy living in separate houses and just getting together for a date/sex night 2x a week. 

So I'll just carry on for now I guess?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.
> 
> we have had both connected
> So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)
> ...


Nah he is checking out his options I think.

Sounds like maybe he was wandering or had a inappropriate crush on someone from work before (is that before he found out you cheated or after) if it was before it probably broke any loyalty he had left, it does for a lot of people. He is probably thinking why shouldn't I have my fun too, you say he has also cheated too right? He kissed other women during your marriage? That's the thing with this stuff, once the damage is done it's done. Sounds like it was done by both of you. Not trying to be hard on you just saying you both kind of played fast and loose. 

Also sounds like you kept your affair secret for 20 years. In another post (I wanted some background) you say you admitted it mostly to hurt him if you are honest (your words). Not a good starting point for healing.

You say you went to counseling, how did that go, how much was about your relationship now, and this coworker. How much of the affair was discussed? Given what we normally read about counseling especially christian counseling (I am one but usually they don't have the tools and emphasis forgiveness WAY TOO SOON) I wonder if it was a good or a bad thing. Was told he was partly to blame for your affair? For a second let's assume he really was just friends with this coworker? So now he finds out his wife cheated on him and he lived a lie for 20 years and she is accusing him of having an affair on top of that? I mean that's a lot.

Have you always been OCD about his whereabouts? Sounds like it happened after the confession. Do you think that deep down maybe you were afraid because you knew you had broken the loyalty? I ask because usually people who cheat assume everyone else does. Then again he doesn't have a great track record either. How did you cheat by the way was it a long term affair, was the guy someone he knew, still in your life for a long time? All of this stuff can do damage.

One things for sure I don't think your marriage was as fixed as you think. He is probably hedging his bets and looking around for options because he probably isn't very happy after what happened. He should be honest about it though. It's sucks but it's hard to put the genie back in the box.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NJ2 said:


> I'm making no decisions right now because I dont have to - not for my mental health, not for my kids (they are adults and close enough by) and not out of financial need or loneliness. This kind of feels like a good space. I know people think I should leave him but I want to do what is best for me and it may not be divorce. It may be that this is enough.
> Maybe we could just date. *An MC once said she thought we'd be very happy living in separate houses and just getting together for a date/sex night 2x a week.*


While that might work in some marriages, living separately leads to divorce in most that do it.

When a couple lives apart, over time the connection is lost.

Further, if you live separately, he's far more likely to follow through on finding others to date. After all, how would you find out?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> Thanks for the replies! Yes i am definately looking for a reason that i can live with I know- its just that 40 years is a looooong time and very difficult to throw away. I am still living at our farmhouse and he is staying with the kids in the city. He came up today and we talked for 4 hours. I have stated that I dont believe at all that he didnt do it. I said even if he doesnt remember doing it (and of course he does) that in that moment when he was doing it he had at the very least an intention to find some strange. I have no way of knowing whether he did or not.
> 
> That is the reality and I have to move forward with that amount of knowledge. He said he will give me his phones and passwords (which i already know) and I can gps him (which i already do). He said he would go back to counselling and retire at the end of this year. He refers to all the fun we have together and how he loves me blah blah blah. He says he is a good person who has a problem with lying. He says he is trying to change that.(hasnt worked so far)
> 
> ...


Not for nothing, but you had an affair, he forgave you and gave you a second chance. Personally I don't think your marriage was in near as good a shape as you thought it was. I think you really don't get the implications of learning that you were living a lie for 20 years. Having your agency stolen from you by your spouse. That is a pretty deep wound and having some close times with them afterwords doesn't necessarily mean forgiveness and healing.

That being said he also has done some really hurtful things to you in the past too. You both seem to have this history. This is an ongoing dynamic of your relationship.

If you stay I suggest you get some full time counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity and you deal with yours and this of which we don't really know the scale yet. It could be he was playing around on the site and that is all or it could be he is out having dates and full on cheating.

Like I said in my last post the damage was already done years before and you shouldn't discount that because you got some counseling. You don't even know he full on cheated and look how it's affected your life. Well you did cheat and hid it for years, no wonder he is flailing. Not to mention what you life might have been like at those times or if he always had suspicion. I think your well within your rights to leave but I do think you actions bare some responsibility in the marriage problems.

The bottom line from reading your post, infidelity of one sort of another has been a part of your marriage from both of you for a long time. You both need to deal with that if you want to try to salvage what you have left.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s full of crap!

stay at that farm house a long long time. Have yourself a nice little reprieve from all his lies.

so he has a lying problem? So there’s NO way to trust him. He’s never earned your trust back? Well then, there’s no way to have a solid foundation for this marriage.

you have no way to make this right... or rather him. He was on there checking things out. It doesn’t matter if he loaded a picture - people post fake photos all the time! Married men go On dating sites often - under false identity - to get new and exciting sex.

he’s not trustworthy and it’s a waste of your time chasing his *truth.

life is too short to be wondering all the time if the gal you bump into at the market is the gal screwing your husband!

take him for half of what he’s got and go on any vacation you want whenever you feel like it!

maintain solid relationships with your kids and start dating a man that’s worthy of trusting.

and stop trying to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to think of ways to make him happier! Some men cheat! And when It’s a man like that you don’t want to be the fool married to him!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

How embarrased will you be when knowledge of his proclivities becomes public knowledge? What if he falls for someone else? Will you deal with that when the time comes, rather than try to prevent it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, our stories have always had similarities. What you are living, I lived. I finally felt for my sanity that leaving an 40-something year marriage was the solution. You’re a different story. I’ve felt for a very long time that you would stay because you still love him and don’t feel you can be happy without him. Better the devil you know, etc.

The problem is that you only know the side of him that he wants you to know. You know that he loves you and doesn’t want a divorce. But there’s another side to him that’s a risk-taker who likes to see what he can get away with when it comes to other women. IMO, there’s a lot you’ll never know (true for me as well). He knows better, he knows how you feel about it, but he loves that rush too much. 

You have to come to terms with that since you want to stay. He’ll likely be on his best behavior for awhile now that he’s been caught but sooner or later he’ll slip again. It’s who he is.

I wish the very best for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@NJ2 as long as you are content with the set up you mention then go for it. However, you H may not want that? Why does he live in town with the kids? Seems odd if kids are already adults? It’s a bummer having spent so long with someone they pull this crap. So people when faced with their mortality think chasing younger skirt will somehow delay the ageing process and they’ve still got it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You do know never to trust him, right? Liars on that scale don’t change. It usually goes back to their childhood and is deeply engrained in them. My ex-husband promised endless times over the decades that he would stop lying but he didn’t. I’m not sure he could have. I don’t think your husband will either. The thrill of getting away with stuff is too strong.

He’s in full damage-control mode now. He’ll promise you whatever he thinks it will take so you won’t divorce him. But don’t ever believe him and never let down your guard. It’s the price you‘ll have to pay for staying.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I divorced my exH after being with him almost 30 years. He pretended to be the perfect husband to my face but didn’t know how to resist women who flirted with him.

he just didn’t know how to be faithful.

I don’t regret divorcing him. I can see he’s now cheating on his wife he’s married to now. She monitors him the way you do your husband - and my exH just gets around her monitoring him... he just likes being married - but not faithful.

I think he actually gets a thrill out of pulling a fast one over on who he is married to.

he was never sorry he cheated - he was only sorry he got caught.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Checking out an an old friend is what Facebook is for. Any record of him paying for a Tinder upgrade membership?

It is not a good sign that he is on Tinder but maybe his brother both signed up as a dumb guy thing. We all know Tinder is for NSA sex. Like all dating apps there are different levels, with the free version you sign up and can pretty much only look. They want your money if you want to actually meet people. Some say about 75-85% of the women on dating apps are fake bots with the intention convincing the guys to cough up the $$.

Years ago while drinking and watching tv I was convinced by a female friend to sign up with an app, she received like 100 + messages a day when she had a pic wearing a red leather motorcycle riding suit, after she deleted that she still got 30-40 per day. in a month I received 6 and pretty sure 4 were bots.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

My My oldest loved bugs. She tried to catch bees with her hand. The 1st couple of times she did this and got stung, I washed it, removed the stinger, kissed her boo boo, the whole 9 yd.



By the 5th time she tried to do this, I had no sympathy left. She knew what would happen when she picked up the be, and she did it anyway. She chose to get stung.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

You had your fun let him have his. Perhaps he doesn't feel you are entitled to his loyalty due to your little fun on the side decades ago.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

BruceBanner said:


> You had your fun let him have his. Perhaps he doesn't feel you are entitled to his loyalty due to your little fun on the side decades ago.


What a load of crap


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

BruceBanner said:


> You had your fun let him have his. Perhaps he doesn't feel you are entitled to his loyalty due to your little fun on the side decades ago.


He’s done his share of very questionable stuff. The difference is he has lied about it and she has admitted what she did.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Openminded said:


> He’s done his share of very questionable stuff. The difference is he has lied about it and she has admitted what she did.


Um COME ON after decades, that's decades where she took away his agency and she specifically said in another post she told him to hurt him. Sorry she ain't no saint here either, this isn't someone who was racked with guilt who confessed the next day. Who knows how that soured their marriage or if OP's husband had his doubts the whole time. Did it last for years, was this guy around all the time? Maybe for a large part of the marriage this other guy was in the middle of it. We have no idea. (Partly because finding the post she started on this new site is too much effort.)

I think it's really unfair to act like her cheating wasn't a big part of the problem in the grand scheme of things just because she wasn't the last one to do it. Sorry that is a load of crap too.

I am sure there is plenty of blame to go around here and if OP's husband got on here and told his side of the story it wouldn't seem so one sided. I wouldn't be surprised if boundaries haven't been pushed on both sides the whole time. Hell if HE got on here first right after she confessed we would be telling him pretty much what we are telling her right now. Leave and and move on.

Frankly they seem to be on the same wave length for most of their marriage. It's a blessing that at least they were married to each other since both didn't hold fidelity as any value, at the very least this spared someone innocent.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BruceBanner said:


> You had your fun let him have his. Perhaps he doesn't feel you are entitled to his loyalty due to your little fun on the side decades ago.


You are not taking the full story into account. He has had his fun periodically, for decades. She had a one time bad choice.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Um COME ON after decades, that's decades where she took away his agency and she specifically said in another post she told him to hurt him. Sorry she ain't no saint here either, this isn't someone who was racked with guilt who confessed the next day. Who knows how that soured their marriage or if OP's husband had his doubts the whole time. Did it last for years, was this guy around all the time? Maybe for a large part of the marriage this other guy was in the middle of it. We have no idea. (Partly because finding the post she started on this new site is too much effort.)
> 
> I think it's really unfair to act like her cheating wasn't a big part of the problem in the grand scheme of things just because she wasn't the last one to do it. Sorry that is a load of crap too.
> 
> ...


I've followed this and she had one time bad choice that I don't believe even went the distance once.

He has never been straight and has been playing for decades.

If they agreed to reconcile, which they both did, he doesn't get to keep playing, which he did.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I've followed this and she had one time bad choice that I don't believe even went the distance once.
> 
> He has never been straight and has been playing for decades.
> 
> If they agreed to reconcile, which they both did, he doesn't get to keep playing, which he did.


Thanks for saying it better than I was about to.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

There is only one kind of man who would defend this husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I've followed this and she had one time bad choice that I don't believe even went the distance once.
> 
> He has never been straight and has been playing for decades.
> 
> If they agreed to reconcile, which they both did, he doesn't get to keep playing, which he did.


Maybe but she hid it for decades. Sorry you don't get to play the high rode when you do that. If she came clean right away I might agree. Besides that how much happened before she got there. This doesn't mean she hasn't tried to be a good wife following that but as we always say around here as long as the affair is hidden you ares still in the affair to some extent. It's still years of lying and taking away the agency of ones spouse. 

I believe she is very remorseful about that and she doesn't deserve to be disrespected the way she has. But I we shouldn't act like she didn't contribute to the issues in the marriage. 

Look I'm not saying he is blameless, I also don't doubt that she is very remorseful about it now, I am just saying there are no angles in this story.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

secretsheriff said:


> There is only one kind of man who would defend this husband.


And only one kind of person who would think my posts defend him.

Taking her prior actions into account is not defending him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> Maybe we could just date. An MC once said she thought we'd be very happy living in separate houses and just getting together for a date/sex night 2x a week.


OMG this would be *ideal.*

Except the dates should occur once every *two *weeks rather than two dates per week. 🤗


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Nah he is checking out his options I think.
> 
> Sounds like maybe he was wandering or had a inappropriate crush on someone from work before (is that before he found out you cheated or after) if it was before it probably broke any loyalty he had left, it does for a lot of people. He is probably thinking why shouldn't I have my fun too, you say he has also cheated too right? He kissed other women during your marriage? That's the thing with this stuff, once the damage is done it's done. Sounds like it was done by both of you. Not trying to be hard on you just saying you both kind of played fast and loose.
> 
> ...


 @sokillme -I understand what you are saying -to answer a few of your questions....I told him of my A after I was suspicious of him having an A with a coworker. He was never told he was to blame for my A in counseling. I did tell him my thinking at the time and told him i would do anything to regain his trust. I told him whatever details he wanted to know. He said he had never had any suspicions and he felt like the whole marriage had been a lie. 

I took full responsibility for my decision to have an A. It lasted 6 months. It was with someone I worked with. I dont think H ever met him. I did not have PIV or oral with him but we did do inappropriate things. I went to an IC after I broke it off with the AP. I wanted to come clean to H but she said to do so would make me feel better but would devastate him. She said i had to carry the guilt as telling him would be a selfish act. I went to confession at church and kept it a secret for 20 years. 

Yes I did tell him partly to hurt him. I was in pain because he was behaving as though he was having an A. I thought that if I told him the truth he could be truthful with me and we could start over. He didnt want to discuss any of my A in counselling. It was brought up by me and the MC several times as something we should deal with. He said he was fine with it, he didnt care, he was over it.

He trusts me. I have offered my phone to put a gps on, I offered to take a lie detector test, I said I would do anythng to help hm heal. There was nothing before and nothing after. I feel nothng for the AP- I see him as a gross immature predator if anything. I have disgust for myself and what I did to my H. I am sorry I didnt come clean the day after it happened. I am embarrassed for myself and him to have this knowledge. I understand that it tainted the marriage.

What it did by not telling is prevent me from loving him fully and deeply because there was always this secret between us. It made me feel like I didnt deserve him and I wasnt worthy of any of the good things he brought to my life.

You are absolutely correct in the possibility that there is projection on my part. From my guilt but also from knowing how easy it was to convince myself that what I was doing during the A was somehow not wrong. I compartmentalized it. So yes I know how addictive and exciting an A can be and I know how a damaged person can tell themselves that they arnt hurting anyone as long as noone knows. I am damaged but that is not an excuse for my behaviour. 

When I broke it off with AP I did everything I could to never put myself in that position again. I changed job locations, I didtn go to functions where he might be, I deleted my linked in account when he went phishing. When he came to my location I did everything I could to avoid him.I never allowed myself to become friends with another man. I changed my behaviour because I knew I was damaged. 

My parents were serial cheaters. 
both had several A's/ EA's while I was growing up. After my mom passed away I found condoms and pictures she had posed for in sexy lingerie in her drawer. She was 90 so she had kept those souveniers for about 50 years. She said she hoped she would still get into heaven even though she loves 2 men (the other man was a young cuban masseuse she sent $10,000.00 before she died.....When my dad was dying (he was 88) a lady came to see him and rubbed her hand up and down his bare leg. Her daughter said they had been seeing each other every week for 10 years. My mom had been alive for 9 of those years.
So maybe there is a damaged gene that allows a person to do such awful things. I feel that if people could feel what its like to be betrayed- the complete and utter devastation- they would never do it

too long sorry


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> @sokillme -I understand what you are saying -to answer a few of your questions....I told him of my A after I was suspicious of him having an A with a coworker. He was never told he was to blame for my A in counseling. I did tell him my thinking at the time and told him i would do anything to regain his trust. I told him whatever details he wanted to know. He said he had never had any suspicions and he felt like the whole marriage had been a lie.
> 
> I took full responsibility for my decision to have an A. It lasted 6 months. It was with someone I worked with. I dont think H ever met him. I did not have PIV or oral with him but we did do inappropriate things. I went to an IC after I broke it off with the AP. I wanted to come clean to H but she said to do so would make me feel better but would devastate him. She said i had to carry the guilt as telling him would be a selfish act. I went to confession at church and kept it a secret for 20 years.
> 
> ...


So first off, I am not nice on this site. Honestly I think it's much more important to give you the truth as how I see it because to me then you get posts like this were other truths can be uncovered. I think that is how we grow and change, when we are forced to see ourselves in a way that we haven't before. I even welcome posts like this for myself, when they are not personal attacks. I get that there are some people on here who for them it is much more comfortable to say "poor dear" as it's not easy to challenge people. Believe me there are times I get no pleasure in writing it.

That being said you have never denied that you cheated so that is why I used those words, One of the reasons I use your own opinion of your affair not some poster here is because it shows your state of mind and still shows it today in the aftermath.

From reading that I don't doubt that what you say, your guilt and real attempt to change after the fact. Still I would like to point out that in the entire handling of the affair and the aftermath all of the actions were done in some way or another with you as the primary motive. I don't believe anyone hides it purely out of a desire to protect themselves and never will. This is never done out of purely altruistic reasons, and besides it doesn't make it any less wrong. To not tell is to take away ones agency in their life, which is truly a horrible thing to do. (People like your old counselor are really given evil advice.) Sorry overall it is just way too convenient, besides the true insight into this was your willingness to stop protecting him after 20 years when you wanted to hurt him. I don't say this to condemn you but to illustrate my point about this. There has been at least in this respect a culture of selfishness in the marriage. That is by both of you. That is what you are trying to recover from and honestly, though it's not fun for me to write it, you contributed to that. He knows that and it affects him. Now maybe that just allowed him to feel entitled to continue in his bad behavior and it's also likely you were more willing to put up with his bad behavior because of your guilt over your own, but the overall point remains true. The damage has been done and unfortunately that is a hard thing to fight against.

I am also a child where there was infidelity in my family, my father in fact. I DO think it is in the genes. I know I fight against it which is partly why I post here. Probably why I am so hard on it. Though maybe it's a struggle for everyone in long term marriage from time to time. I have to say though if your father knew of your mothers affair and more so her lack of remorse and lived with it for fifty years, assuming he was blameless up until the last 9 years of his life, then I don't blame him if he found happiness with someone else. This is especially true when divorce even in situations of adultery was outrageously looked at so hardly in that time.

I also want to point out that the kind of marriage that you have decided on may fit the pattern of the marriage that you grew up in. (Another reason why divorce in situations of adultery should always be celebrated or at least not judged at all.) This pattern may have modeled what you think marriage is or more so what you think you are deserving of. 

At this point I think you have truly repented for your affair and it's not my place to judge you anyway which despite was some would say I am NOT doing in these posts. I think however you should not assume that just because your husband says he is fine - he is. Maybe he even welcomed it as it took him off the hook for his own extracurricular activities so to speak. The point is there has been a history and a culture of this stuff in the marriage. Culture is one of the hardest things to break. Sometimes it just doesn't and won't change. Maybe it's time for you to accept that you did your best but it's just too far gone. Your husband clearly doesn't want to change or he would be making some effort. But also maybe it's time to see if there is better for you especially now that you have spent years addressing and changing your own failings . Finally how about you use your parents example again except this time so that you don't end up with your husband seeing some other woman for the last 9 years of your life.

Everything in this life ends at some point except our spirit. Everything.


Addendum: And my God don't date this guy, that is a terrible idea. Why would you want to date someone who treats you like he does, especially when you won't have vows keeping you from someone better. You say he hasn't been a good husband he will probably be a worse boyfriend. Setting up that situation will just give him a pass to act out worse and he will. You will be setting yourself up to be his plan B whenever he needs you. Besides I think there is MUCH BETTER out there. Part of what you need to do is start to take responsibility for is allowing yourself to stay in bad situations. Isn't it time for you to be assertive? Part of your issue has been avoiding conflict, I see you guys dating as just the same thing. Not really bringing the issue to a head but deciding to live in a kind of limbo, not unlike the aftermath of your affair. DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

@sokillme - I welcome your honest and insightful comments- I know what I’ve done but needed to reflect on how I too have been so selfish in the marriage. My decisions were made out selfishness and desperation.

Oh - and my dad had a decades long affair with a women - he went back to his country every 2nd year for a vacation- but it was to be with her.

my mom found out when the OW called her to tell her he didn’t really love her (my mom) and the proof was the fact that he hadn’t lost his wedding ring on his previous vacation but had given it to her- ugh!


update for what it’s worth-I am still living at the farmhouse. I am surprising myself by how independent I’ve become. I am enjoying the peace. It has given me time to assess more clearly the impact my behavior has had on the marriage as well as how his behavior has effected me. Both were traumatic.

my kids have come to visit me and I have gone home a few times to visit them. It was my 60th birthday and they had a family only dinner for me which was nice. He bought me several gifts and asked me to stay but I didn’t. I actually couldn’t wait to go back to my refuge. We are working on renovating another old farmhouse (which we bought before this started) so we see each other most days but it is as a cooperative working relationship.

we have talked several times for hours on end About it but never are able to resolve anything. He texts me good morning and goodnight.... not sure if we will ever be able to move forward.

@sokillme - he has been bringing up my affair a lot when we talk and says he wished I’d never told him but also says I was a liar for not telling him- both true
Mostly he is sad because there was an emotional component to it- whereas whatever he’s done I guess.
I guess making no decision is making a decision for now-


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

- ( the decades long affair my dad had was with a different OW than the one in his 80’s...and when they were in their 70’s my mom said she was ok with him returning one more time to say his good byes (wtf?!) she was convinced he truly loved her and it was over....but he started Up with Someone new - she never knew about that one .
No wonder I have a warped version of marriage)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> - ( the decades long affair my dad had was with a different OW than the one in his 80’s...and when they were in their 70’s my mom said she was ok with him returning one more time to say his good byes (wtf?!) she was convinced he truly loved her and it was over....but he started Up with Someone new - she never knew about that one .
> No wonder I have a warped version of marriage)


I would like to point out that you say (WTF) but you have put yourself in the exact same marriage. If you stay in this dynamic of limbo that you have now set up for yourself, a kind of marriage in the afternoon when he is around, is it really that hard to conceive that in 15 years you might not have a problem with him saying goodbye to the women he is seeing on the evenings he isn't spending with you? You know the one where it isn't emotional? 

Do you think your husband really loves you even though he is on dating apps? Seems to me you might.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bobert said:


> That is a load of ********.
> 
> No man, married or not, is going on Tinder to innocently "check out" a girl they hadn't seen in years. If they want to **** said girl, then sure, but just to "take a peak"? No.
> 
> ...


I have never done that, but I do know of some similar kinds of things. It could be a huge red flag or not, depending on the frequence. I suspect in this case it is a huge red flag.

I have known folks, especially women, who have through social media lined up their "next romantic adventure" if their spouse dies. I once read that it is not unheard of for some older folks to identify people they might like to date, if they are widows or widowers. Not saying this is the case, but it does happen and isn't a sign that anything has happened sexually. I have to admit that there are a couple of high school girlfriends I had that, I looked up on Facebook, just to see how their life was going before a big class reunion party. I would never contact them, but it is interesting to see what their life is now like.

Another thing I have witnessed, is men who are very unhappy with their marriage and are testing themselves. That is they are visiting shaddy massage parlors or talking to sex workers, just to prove to themselves that they can put a "toe in the water" with out being unfaithful. You see something similar in people saying that they went out for a drink with a coworker of the opposite sex with no intention of anything happening..........and then after the third time, one thing lead to another and they cheated. If they would be honest there was something they found exciting or taboo and they just kept pushing themself farther down that slippery slope.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Yup I seem to be repeating a pattern here. I spent 5 years in IC and MC discussing that very fact- that i dont want to repeat the pattern....it is what I grew up with and witnessed.

There is a flip side to it that will be unpopular for me to point out- my mother always said that she asked herself "am i better off with him or without him?" when these things happened. She always decided she was better off with him. This was a choice. He did everything for her she didnt even know how to write a check. His behaviour was very kind and loving (except for that stuff) and when she was extremely sick for the last years of her life he looked after her. She didnt want to go into a hospice so he did all he could to honour her wishes and let her stay at home till the end. I cant imagine many men could or would have done what he did for her(he had cancer at the time and was often in great pain) 

When he was dying he used to fall asleep by imagining them walking down this path at the resort they frequented, and then he would pick out their food, they'd sit down and eat and walk back to their room together....he said it was the one thing that made him feel happy and gave him comfort. He threw the OW's picture in the garbage and said she was "no-one"

Every couple has their own "marital contract". We can't even pretend to understand the complexities of a 60 year marriage. I have defiantely been influenced by their marriage in both good and bad ways. I saw cheating and forgiveness. I saw 2 severely flawed people that made a mostly happy life together-though it wasnt perfect or what we traditionally think of as successful. We all have a right to decide to stay or go regardless of the circumstances.

In the end I will ask my self that question. Am I better off with him or without him? Right now I am better off without him- but I can change my mind. I am also flawed and have behaved disgracefully in the marriage. I can't wave the flag and say what I did was less than what he has done. In many ways it was worse. It was calculated, done partially for entertainment and wanting my ego fed. I was pregnant with H's child through part of it. I behaved abhorently and the fact I am more self aware and able to protect the marriage from any further evils on my part doesnt take away from what I did. I did it. That knowledge will forever hurt and haunt him. I cant take my actions or words back. 

He called me crying today. He is making all the usual promises and declarations of love- but I am stronger than I was and I will not be taken in by words again -only action. I dont know what those actions would have to be in order for me to move forward and try to R again. He has volunteered to GPS his car and phone, to leave his personal phone at home and give me his work phone when he comes home. He has said that he will go to IC and MC. He will retire at the end of the year and devote himself to making me happy yada yada yada....

The truth is I think that I cant go back if those are things I need to do to feel "safe". I would have to feel like I didnt need to do any of that... I'd have to be at that place my mom was where she felt so confident that she could let him go and say good bye. (of course in his case that all went out the window in a few years) My dad also said once that he wasnt sure what went on with the cuban masseuse and my mom but given her health issues he was glad she had something to give her purpose and make her happy. (I'm npt making this up) I also saw him yell and throw a purse the masseuse had give to my mom against the wall in a rage)

Bit of a ramble
I always envied my brother who lived in a black and white world- this was right- that was wrong 
I live in a shades of grey world where I'm not so sure sometimes


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I hate to be cynical, well not really. You guys always underestimate the honesty of cheaters Dad or not. My responses are in the quote.



NJ2 said:


> Yup I seem to be repeating a pattern here. I spent 5 years in IC and MC discussing that very fact- that i dont want to repeat the pattern....it is what I grew up with and witnessed.
> 
> There is a flip side to it that will be unpopular for me to point out- my mother always said that she asked herself "am i better off with him or without him?" when these things happened. She always decided she was better off with him. This was a choice. He did everything for her she didnt even know how to write a check. His behaviour was very kind and loving (except for that stuff) and when she was extremely sick for the last years of her life he looked after her. She didnt want to go into a hospice so he did all he could to honour her wishes and let her stay at home till the end. I cant imagine many men could or would have done what he did for her(he had cancer at the time and was often in great pain)
> 
> ...


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## Jodi was Blindsided. (Jun 13, 2020)

NJ2 said:


> I know my h and I have had our ups and downs - I had an affair 25 years ago (which I told h about when I was suspicious about him and a coworker- we have been to several years of my, weekend retreat, church course to improve marriage.
> 
> we have had both connected
> So well and rediscovered romance- but also have had Some issues with lies/ deleting calls texts from this co worker. He says he deleted in order not to trigger me( I developed a relationship OCD where I am tracking him monitoring calls texts etc)
> ...


My husband asked for a divorce today....and I found a tinder profile...I guess I know why he is leaving now.


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