# Trial Separation for married young?



## LilBee (Aug 25, 2012)

Hi I have been reading the forum on and off the past couple months but never posted. 

Here is my background ( I'll try to be detailed without giving my whole life story)... MY husband and have been married for 3 years together for 7 years. We are relatively young ( 24 and 27) and no kids. Shortly after we were married we had some financial issues. My husband quit his job and so I began working 2 jobs. Which at the time bothered me but I had the mentality that you do what you have to do (for richer or poorer) however this happened twice. My husband found another job which he also quit bc he hated it. And then he would complain bc I never made enough money. And so the resentment begins. While unemployed my husband spent his entire time focusing on his hobby, collecting and also reselling these items when he wanted to. To him it was a source of income, to me it wasn't a real job. While all of this was happening I felt like we had become distant. It felt like we were just roommates.( and later we agreed that we had become like roommates) I was working very hard. And my husband seemed like he was just at home goofing around. Going out when he wanted, didn't keep up with any of the household responsibilities etc. I had talked about getting serious about owning a home, possibly starting a family but he didn't seem to care. We had arguments on and off about this situation. At a certain point I stopped arguing about it and just let it go. So we lived our life...he eventually found a job and now we actually make decent money . I worked long hours came home and made dinner etc. I have also been trying to change career fields. It is something I really want to do but my husband never supported the idea. Even when he said he did. Like I would apply to the position then he would say " that's great" but in a sarcastic tone. Which hurt me very much bc I had always supported him when he was jobless or didn't know what he wanted to do for work. This is a big thing for me bc I feel like I am still young and have a lot of opportunities career wise. During this time I feel like I lost respect and love for him. It made me very unhappy.I even opened up to him that I was unhappy and his response was basically " you just need to get out of bed " As a result of all of this I was unfaithful. Which I know was completely out of line. 

Fast forward to now. About three months ago my infidelity came out. When my husband found out I was already prepared to tell him it was over with him. Of course he was hurt but still wanted to be with me. However when we talked about it he convinced me to stay. I didn't want to just give up on the marriage, I felt like a terrible person. Like I failed at marriage.

So we have stayed together but obviously it has not been all peachy. We hashed everything out...all of our issues... issues with trust, our lack of communication and my feeling of neglect . He said he would change and he wanted to be with me. He went out and bought me all these gifts. Which I felt like he was trying to buy me off...so we would hash it out again. I feel like we have made some progress by ourselves and actually our communication is better than ever.

The problem is I feel like I do not love him the same. I care for him and would not want anything bad to happen to him but the love feeling is not there. When we attempt to have sex I feel disgusted. I don't want to kiss him, I'm not turned on. Which then causes a fight bc he says he needs the physical connection to assure him that I will stay ( not cheat again). 
I know I held a lot of resentment for the things that have happened in the past and I am trying to let things go but I feel like it may be too late. We even took a vacation to a tropical resort to rekindle that *spark* but I still did not feel it. 

Right now I feel like a trial separation would be good. I feel like the space might let me decide what I really want. My husband thinks its a terrible idea and would only drive us further apart. The next step is MC. I'm just curious as to what people think...at what point do your vows have a breaking point? For better or worse etc. A person can only take so much right? I am just unsure if a separation is a good idea or not, any thoughts? Perhaps the counselor will know?

*also I want to say I am not trying to bash on my husband. I know there are things I did wrong as well. I'm just looking for a little advice


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Looks like you started emotionally detaching yourself from your husband when he started goofing off instead of mending his career.




LilBee said:


> We even took a vacation to a tropical resort to rekindle that *spark* but I still did not feel it.
> 
> Right now I feel like a trial separation would be good. I feel like the space might let me decide what I really want. My husband thinks its a terrible idea and would only drive us further apart.


Both of you are right here. A separation would help you decide. If you separate and realize that you don't miss him, even get a sense of relief that you are no longer with him then there is your answer. Your DH doesn't want it because deep down he knows this could happen and is trying to prevent this from happening at all costs.

As long as your DH is fighting for your marriage you guys still have hope. Go to MC and see if you guys can reconnect. If you just can't then you have to convince him to go your separate ways.


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## LilBee (Aug 25, 2012)

Last night we spent the night apart intentionally. I can't say I missed him but I didn't like it either.
I guess when youre together for so long and then have a night alone, it would feel lonely.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what MC says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jugger (Aug 26, 2012)

Your story is very similar to mine, with a few notable exceptions: We have a child, and there was no infidelity. My fiance of 5 years resents me for my lack of emotional connects when our daughter was born, and some 4 years later she wants to take a break, im not for it at all, but she believes that distance will make the heart fonder and will help her re-assess if this is what she wants. (Which i truly hope, and she stated, it is).

If you're not into it, and are disgusted with him sexually, I feel like a separation might be for not. But im also a firm believer in never giving up if there is hope. He loves you obviously and if you do love him you should fight for it.


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## LilBee (Aug 25, 2012)

UPDATE

So we went to MC ( just one session so far) but the MC suggested not to try the trial separation. I obviously have built up resentment that I am not over though I have tried to forget but I am finding it very hard. She told us that we need to spend time together and work on letting go of this resentment. It is so hard for me. How do you just let things go? I am also wondering if there are couples that were advised not to separate but did anyway and did it work?..reconcile etc. I know many therapists have different approaches to these types of things


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