# Holding it together



## Mockfish

Hi everyone. New member here. I'm fishing for opinions and suggestions about my marriage....

Back story: I'm 47, married to my high school sweetheart since I was 19 and she was 17. Yes, a pregnancy was involved. The first 4 years were awful. But since then, we both grew up and developed a more mature relationship. 

We have been married for almost 28 years and have four kids. Our youngest will be fifteen in a month.

I suppose that our issue is typical for many couples...except that this case may be rather exaggerated. Or maybe I am too close to the problem and therefore it looks huge from my perspective.

I'll try to sum this up as neatly as possible to avoid a run on post...but that may be difficult. Then you, dear reader can perhaps lead the dialogue with questions. I'm trying to be objective and address the root of the problem which is 
preventing us from tackling the other problems, without being dramatic or petty.

We don't talk about anything. At least not anything important....money, kids, the home and certainly not sex. Each interaction regarding any topic of depth dissolves into argument and often shouting. 

I try to present my issues or ideas honestly and rationally. I'm not always successful, but I'm trying. But for the wife, I'm not so sure. It seems that each topic I wish to talk about is met with dismissal in a variety of ways, followed by solid insistence of her innocence...i.e. it's not her fault. If I can make it past that limit, it becomes "We're done!"....on her part, not mine. I've never said that even if I may have thought it. There follows a randomly determined period of time sleeping on the couch....a night, a week....then it seems to be all forgotten. 

But the issue still lives, of course. 

How do I get her to open up and talk to me? I'll leave it at that for the moment and allow you, my dear reader, to guide the questions. Don't worry about including my possible mistakes as well. I can not fix the problem via denial of my own short-comings.

Thanks everyone.


----------



## Married but Happy

This sounds like a perfect scenario for marriage counseling.


----------



## Horse on Ice

This sounds very familiar to me, my wife and I have the same scenarios. 

If there is something important that I bring up to discuss, there is typically some excuse as to why she can't right now, or it devolves into her finding some way to place the blame on me, or her bringing up something I did that she didn't like and then she shifts the argument to that topic. If it is a topic she wants to discuss, then by God, it's going to get discussed no matter the time, setting or audience.

I say that to say this; I feel for you and know how you feel. Unfortunately, I have no words of advice other than suggesting counseling. Many times, our conversational skills when discussing confrontational topics prevent rational mature conversations. If the two of you have very different styles of conversing, (not just how we talk, but also how we listen) then serious topics are almost doomed from the start.


----------



## Mr.Married

Try some counselling. Sometimes a third party is needed. You guys have been together a long time but sometimes we all fall in a rut.
Let her know how important ya'll relationship is to you...carry on from that point


----------



## SentHereForAReason

+1 for Marriage Counseling

I know it wasn't brought up, at least I didn't see it, I would strongly recommend MC but IC here would probably be a marriage killer, especially if she were to get counseling on her own. 

If you guys could both go in with an open mind, it could do wonders with the right MC. I would recommend finding a MC that you maybe can vet beforehand and from an organization that upholds the sanctity of marriage. Maybe through church, etc?


----------



## Yeswecan

Why do you two not talk about anything? What do think contributes to your W shutting down? I can tell you my W of 24 years will not talk for two reasons: 1. I get angry or may get angry. 2. My yelling starts. This issue is all mine and something I work on to avoid, be reasonable with my responses and shut up/listen. Getting quite good at it. My W talks to me now. Do think perhaps the past discussions with your W has lead to her shutting down as a result of your response/arguing?


----------



## Betrayedone

You got married too young. I am a believer that people change so much over the course of their lives that becoming distant is virtually inevitable over the long run. You had a good run.......time to move on.


----------



## sa58

First you married to young and may have become
comfortable in your relationship. What do you and your wife 
do together just as a couple? MC could help but be prepared
for things you may not want to hear. Her to. Try and do things 
together away from the kids, bills, and just try and reconnect.


----------



## WestCoastBeachBoy

Communication is a skill and needs to be taught. Get some help


----------



## I shouldnthave

My grandparents were happily married for 65 years. It can be done. Can every couple do it? Certainly not, but some can.

Okay, I am another vote for counseling. I am a big fan of counseling. Not something I have been enrolled in all my life, but during times of turmoil it has really helped me.

The #1 thing counseling taught me was HOW TO LISTEN, and how to effectively convey what I was feeling - in a constructive manner.

When I was young, s**** hit the fan in my family. There was divorce, drug abuse, and even more crap I rather not dig into.

Any way, court order family and individual counseling. I was just a young kid at the time - but holy moly, I learned so much.

Again, how to communicate, how to listen, how to control what I am going to allow to affect me, and how to let some things roll like water off a duck's back.

Communication is a skill. Creating a safe space where a loved one feels that they can speak freely, and constructively, and be heard. And how to convey your feelings with out causing defensiveness.


And I revisted counseling a few times in my life, and it reaffirmed these lessons. There is no way I would be married today, let alone in a very happy relationship if it weren't for what I, and we have learned in counseling.


----------



## Noble1

How long has this pattern been developing?

Is it tied to the fact that the kids are getting older and the whole relationship/life/"who am I" dynamic is getting changed?

It seems like there is still enough good feelings there to build on so try MC as suggested and see where it goes from there.

Good luck.


----------



## Mr.Married

I met my wife at 13. I'm not a believer in the too young talk. However it is only responsible as a couple to work actively on your relationship always.
30 years years later...still going strong.

Seek counseling .... reflect on what you once loved about each other.


----------



## Steve2.0

I kind of feel there are specific topics that you arent mentioning... If its EVERY conversation then you def. have problems.
Im gonna assume they are sex related...

Anyway.. There is a good book called "When I say No I feel Guilty" - Its a really good book that teaches some communication techniques that will help you avoid manipulation and arguing... it will let you calmly get to the root of discussions.


You may not be talking about deep questions, but are you asking her? I find the beginning of a relationship we ask alot of questions from our partner, but after a few years we stop asking any probing questions b/c we feel we know everything about them... as if dreams/aspirations dont change


----------



## Mr.Married

Steve2.0 said:


> but after a few years we stop asking any probing questions b/c we feel we know everything about them... as if dreams/aspirations dont change


so true ..... Never believe you know everything about your partner.


----------



## astrial

I have a similar problem but it is my husband who refuses to talk. I have gone for counselling alone but he refuses to go. We have been married for 16 years and have a boy who is 11 years old. Everything seems to have gone downhill since my son was borne, but I only noticed my husband's behaviour within the last few years. The trigger was when he did not come home one night and he never stays out overnight....ever.

Now I notice that every weekend, he would disappear for hours on end claiming to be running an errand that should not take that long. He claims he is not seeing anyone. However, he would either not tell me where he went or lie about the places he goes to. I know because at one point in time, he had shared his location with me on the "Find iPhone" app. I have since been locked out.

Every weekend, he would rush to get the family home after lunch or tuition, then disappear when we go to our rooms. I told him that I did not like it that he disappears every weekend and was prepared to join him. I tried to hang around so when he wants to leave the house, I would hop in the car to join him. In those instances, he just stays at home....

Is he seeing someone? I am too dense to see it? But he meets me after work every weekday. He just runs out on weekends. No woman would accept just meeting him on weekends right? I feel like I am being manipulated to do what he wants me to do and it upsets me but he does not talk about the relationship or family. Our conversation is always about computer games, NBA, current affairs etc. Once in a while he does mention our son, who has ADHD and is doing badly in school, and his problems like I have a solution but I do not...

I am also suspecting that he is trying to escape from the responsibilities of having to look after our son but he only gets to be with us on weekends, since we usually come home too late on weekdays to be with him. Our son notices that if he is present, my husband would refuse to leave the house. Maybe being with me on weekends = being with our son, so he avoids us both...


----------



## KristenPlant

I agree with the others. Maybe a marriage counseling will help you both.


----------



## Parrot_head

I'm a poor communicator as well

My wife has told me throughout out 25+ years together that I improve overall , but sometimes shut down momentarily

I try to be good .. But my dysfunctional upbringing made my evolution difficult
She often tells me that she cant believe I am worse due to my fathers relationship with me

Take it day by day and don't let the petty thing evolve into major things

I have learned to bite my tongue and look at the big picture , especially the last year when my health has become suspect..

hope that helps


----------

