# Child custody



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Ok me and wife have been separated for 1 month now. She gave me the usual bull that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore (affair talk) but i didn't know it at the time. She did the blameshifting stuff when she tried to convince everyone i was this horrible person when the truth is i am not mean at all, i just don't show my feelings like i should. 

From the start of the separation she demanded a divorce NOW like she could put us through an express lane or something. At first I didn't see the affair and believed everything she was blaming me for and i thought i was this horrible person, husband, and father but i have now come to realize she was just trying to make me feel worthless. 

From the start she wanted me to agree to a mutual divorce which i told her i wouldnt' because i wanted to try to make it work. She told me if i didn't say it was a mutual thing she would make it hard on me and she would bring out all these nasty details about me and make it very hard on me (truth is i'm squeaky clean but i don't want her to try and dig up stupid stuff on me to make me look bad).

I now know about the affair as i have a little proof from messages she has written, until now i was just hearsay from other people.

I wasn't gonna fight for custody because my lawyer said they don't do split custody here and that my wife would have a good chance to get majority because she worked part time and i have a busy schedule right now with work and school, so it would look good for her because she has more time to invest in them. 

Well now that i'm getting more details of the way she has been acting its starting to Pi$$ me off and i dont think she should have the kids. 

I am just wondering what kind of stuff would i have to have against her to make me look good to have majority custody? I hear she is sneaking her AP into the house after my kids are asleep and that she goes meet him at the park so his kid can play with my kids. I have messages of her send her number to all these guys on facebook saying she is single now (we been separated less than a month, i mean come on single??? WTH). I heard she is partying in the house this past weekend and she had the kids that weekend.

What do i need on her and what kind of evidence is solid enough to stick (pictures, messages, do i actually need video of her doing something)???

Help please


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Oh and since this has started she has constantly trashed me on her facebook and she is relentless. I did not write one bad thing about her and i haven't raised my voice at her for anything. Can her repeated bashing of me hurt her? I know alot of the people reading her stuff are telling me she sounds crazy and it dont make sense what she writes. They know i'm a great guy and she will screw her life up if she lets me walk away. I also think something isn't right with her, maybe its the divorce fog but she seems to have lost her mind. She turned her back on all her family, probably because they told her what she is doing is stupid.


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## Hurting_In_NC (Oct 18, 2011)

I'm going through a similar situation, and have to admit I've been tempted to post on my own FB page everything that has happened. I've also considered contacting all of the OM's friends on FB and letting them know what he is up to. I've decided to hold back for now, bc I don't want to come off as this crazy, jealous, possesive person and have it hurt my own custody case. 

At this point, I no longer want to save my marriage. My W's affair, lies, and behavior have made me finally realize that my marriage is over, and only a miracle could save it. Even if she came crying back to me and begged forgiveness, I wouldn't take her back. She's destroyed our marriage and my trust in not only her, but women in general. That may change over time, but for now, I cannot see myself entering into any type of exclusive relationship with anyone else for a long time. My main focus now is getting custody of my children and securing financial support from my W. I can't do anything to risk that, as much as it may make me feel better for a short period of time.

If you think your marriage can be saved, a lot of people suggest doing everything you can to out the affair in order to end it once and for all. If you feel like I do though, I would suggest talking to your atty to clear anything you do before you make a stupid mistake out of hurt and anger. No sense slitting your own throat!


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I agree with you, i guess i'm just stupid, even though she has cheated on me and spread false stuff about me to make me look bad, if she came back cry to me i'd probably give her another chance (she would defenently have to work for it though, ex. couseling, cry her eyes out and have to gain my trust again). As of right now i feel the same way you do she has hurt me to the point that i don't think i can trust another woman again, at least not for a long time. She went outside the marriage had and affair and involved this guy with our kids, she just met the guy recently. How does she not know this guy isn't a child molester, drug addict, abuser ...and she brings him around my kids, that can't be a good sign for her as a mother. She needs to wake up because this guy won't want anything with her besides a lay. She is going to destroy her future and her family. If she can't see the error in her ways then i want the kids to be with me, safe from her careless, selfish behavior.


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## Hurting_In_NC (Oct 18, 2011)

It would be expensive, but if you can afford to hire a PI, it might help. Especially if she has the guy over spending the night while your kids are there. 

Don't feel stupid. I'm just as bad as you are, if not worse. I've had all the signs from before my wife and I were even married. We were together off and on for 10 years now, but only married for two. (Anniversary was 11 days ago!) I kept believing her lies when i would catch her texting other men that they were just friends and I was paranoid and why the hell was I looking through her phone or her FB acct, etc. Looking back, I let her shame me into believing it was my fault for snooping when I should have been running for cover. We already had kids together, and even though I can honestly say I loved my wife, and still do, even now, I loved the idea of being a family even more. So much so that I was willing to overlook so many lies and warning flags to make it work. As little as 5 days ago I was hoping she would come to her senses and we could work things out. Then I found out that she was telling me she might want to work it out, and at the same time telling her friends that our marriage was over and still texting, calling, and meeting the OM. 

I know she won't come back, but there is a little part of me that questions if I would be strong enough to turn her away if she did, even after everything I've found out. The nail in the coffin, though, is that I know I will never be able to trust her again. I'd constantly be interrogating her about what she was doing, she'd never be able to go out with friends without me, or travel for business or any other reason. I'd make her so miserable, and myself as well, that our marriage would fail even if she never cheated again.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

First of all, do not try to predict the future at this point. Of course, most As follow similar script, but that does not mean they all follow the same path. You already seem to have this particular scenario of your W waking up one day and come crawling back to you. Well, this scenario may or may not happen. In the worst scenario for you, she may get full custody of your kids and live with OM happily ever after. 

What I mean to say is you just do what you have to do at present. The future event is just as much her call as your call. Right now, you have to attempt to end the A. You already exposed the A to people around you to no avail. As for any further evidence you acquired, share them with your family, inlaws and your friends. This would be your attemtp to wake her up from her fog, but also it is to protect your reputation. Do not let her ruin your reputation by sitting by doing nothing. 

Also, since your W is not showing much sign to stop the A, you must start the D process. What other choice do you have? What you have done so far is not what is normally recommended to do in your position. You moved out of your marital house, enabled your W to carry on her PA with OM right in front of your kids. This is not good at all.

If you realize that there is not much you can do to stop the A, then file for D right now. That is what you have to do. You even mentioned that after all this if your W ask for R you would give her the 2nd chance. This statement shows where your mindset is. You are just as foggy as your W. You are living in a delusional mindset of hoping such event will happen. Don't do this. If it happens, it happens. Don't hold on to such meaningless hope as this does not help you in any way. Just focus on the present situation and react accordingly.

Move back to your house. Make it difficult for her carry on PA, and at the same time try to gather more evidence on their inappropriate interactions. Continue revealing them to the people around you to make it known that it is her doing these things. At the same time, talk to her if D is still what she wants. If she says yes, just go ahead and start D process. 

Just because your house is on fire, do not run to the other side of the river watching your house burn down to the ground, complaining how your W started all that. You as the man of the house stay at the house, try your best to put out the fire or break up the family. You must man up. Do not run away.


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