# Fed up with husband



## search4answers (3 mo ago)

I have been married for a few years to my husband ( 4 yrs) and I have been feeling rather neglected by him. My father died recently and I have been hurting over the loss. My husband has not been very supportive as of late. I have been pulled in several different directions in that I am working, trying to support my mom and stay sane. I am feeling resentful towards him because he has not really made an effort to make me feel better during this trying time. I am exhausted because it had been a two year journey with my dad and now of course losing him. I have been staying with my mother these days as she does not want to be alone but I usually go home on weekends. Our home is not a far distance away from my mom's which makes things a bit easier. But when I go home on weekends, all my husband wants to do is work. So we don't spend quality time together because here lately, work is all that matters to him. We had an anniversary here recently and he never even thought to send me flowers. And I was the one that decided to plan a quick get a way to attempt to celebrate. All of this just days after memorializing my father. My job is driving me crazy and I have not missed a beat since my dad became ill and what I would really like is to take a leave of absence to try and get myself together but I cannot do that because I need the money. I would just like it if my husband would be more cognizant of what is going on and be more supportive. And to top it all off when I mention intimacy, he is always too tired. I feel alone and could easily picture myself packing my bags and going off to a quiet town and starting over. It is sad but I truly daydream about that sometimes. I probably need to have a discussion with him but truthfully I am so frustrated and angry, I would not know where to start. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. and sorry too that you find yourself feeling alone in regards to your husband. You mention that your husband hasn't been supportive ''as of late.'' So, was he generally supportive/empathetic in the past?

If so, when do you recall it changing, and what was happening then?


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. and sorry too that you find yourself feeling alone in regards to your husband. You mention that your husband hasn't been supportive ''as of late.'' So, was he generally supportive/empathetic in the past?
> 
> If so, when do you recall it changing, and what was happening then?


He was supportive of me at one point in time but here lately, he feels like a stranger to me. He used to do so many sweet little things to put a smile on my face but now when I need him the most, he isn't there. I believe his indifference started a few months ago when he began a new phase of his business. I work too but I have always tried to maintain a balance. And at this point of my life, when I am grieving, I just need emotional support.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

search4answers said:


> He was supportive of me at one point in time but here lately, he feels like a stranger to me. He used to do so many sweet little things to put a smile on my face but now when I need him the most, he isn't there. I believe his indifference started a few months ago when he began a new phase of his business. I work too but I have always tried to maintain a balance. And at this point of my life, when I am grieving, I just need emotional support.


Yea, I think sometimes men can get lost in their work. My husband has moments like that, and he has to find that balance too. Maybe send your husband an email or write a letter, and get your emotions out and have him read it. I think he needs to know how you feel, and if it's work related, like he's allowing work to stress him out, he should know too that you're there for him, as well. I hope that he comes around, soon.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

search4answers said:


> I have been married for a few years to my husband ( 4 yrs) and I have been feeling rather neglected by him. My father died recently and I have been hurting over the loss. My husband has not been very supportive as of late. I have been pulled in several different directions in that I am working, trying to support my mom and stay sane. I am feeling resentful towards him because he has not really made an effort to make me feel better during this trying time. I am exhausted because it had been a two year journey with my dad and now of course losing him. I have been staying with my mother these days as she does not want to be alone but I usually go home on weekends. Our home is not a far distance away from my mom's which makes things a bit easier. But when I go home on weekends, all my husband wants to do is work. So we don't spend quality time together because here lately, work is all that matters to him. We had an anniversary here recently and he never even thought to send me flowers. And I was the one that decided to plan a quick get a way to attempt to celebrate. All of this just days after memorializing my father. My job is driving me crazy and I have not missed a beat since my dad became ill and what I would really like is to take a leave of absence to try and get myself together but I cannot do that because I need the money. I would just like it if my husband would be more cognizant of what is going on and be more supportive. And to top it all off when I mention intimacy, he is always too tired. I feel alone and could easily picture myself packing my bags and going off to a quiet town and starting over. It is sad but I truly daydream about that sometimes. I probably need to have a discussion with him but truthfully I am so frustrated and angry, I would not know where to start. Any advice would be appreciated.


Oh dear, I don`t like the sound of this.
On reading your post I am assuming the following:
Having only been married for 4 years you`re probably a young woman.
Your husband works a lot because maybe he has to. He has a demanding job and you both need the income. You have said, to try and get myself together I need the money, which means your husband is probably the main breadwinner.
I am extremely sorry regarding the death of your beloved father, but have to ask; while caring for your father could you have been neglecting your husband?
Now you are working to support your mother and staying with her, only home at weekends. Regardless how near your mother`s home is from your home, you should be at home with your husband. .If your mother lives so close, why can`t you do visits several times per day rahter than be there full time 5 days a week?
My mother in law was a wonderful lady, she died age 92. For the last 4 years of her life she required care and so we had her live with us and my wife cared for her mother at our home. I was completely OK with that. 
You claim to feel alone and no doubts your husband also feels alone considering you seem to have and still are placing more effort into the welfare of your parents than your husband, which would explain his lack of support and neglect for you.
It appears if and when you obtain the means to do so, you`re going to leave your husband.
Do you already have a plan B, is there another guy on the scene?
You want to know where to start:
This all depends on what you want. Do you mean how to leave your husband or how to make your marriage work?
If you want to make your marriage work a lot of things have to change, such as living at home full time and coming to some kind of amicable arrangement that appeases your husband and the care of your mother.
I can tell you this, if I was in a similar situation with my wife, I`d not be happy about that at all. 
So what do you intend to do and what do you want to do?


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

You moved out of home but this is somehow all his fault? I don't think there is any help for you.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

DamianDamian said:


> You moved out of home but this is somehow all his fault? I don't think there is any help for you.


Agreed.
I would consider my wife not living at home full time as being separated and if this continued on for the long term with my wife in the frame of mind that she want`s to leave and start afresh, I would be seeing a lawyer for advice.
I wonder if the OP has been upfront with her husband that she feels done with the marriage? Having admitted the only reason she`s with her husband is because she doesn`t have the money to move on.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I’m sorry you lost your father. I lost a parent recently and share your pain. However it sounds like you pretty much deserted your marriage to care for your parents. So your husband pulled away during that time and you’re upset at him. That’s not really fair.

You should make your marriage and husband a priority. Perhaps some marriage counseling will help you get back on track. Remember what the Bible says about marriage… leave and cleave.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

yes, maybe he is upset because you moved out... although I understand why you did it, I would have a sincere conversation with him to try and find out what's really going on in his head.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

search4answers said:


> I have been staying with my mother these days as she does not want to be alone


Remember the part of your wedding where they said that the couple will leave their father and mother and cling to their spouse? You broke that when you went to live with your mother. You placed your mother ahead of your husband in your heart and now you are complaining that he isn't supporting you. If my wife did that to me, I would tell her to not bother coming back on weekends and to not come back at all.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I kind of surprised no one has asked if you have thought about him having and affair?
He has new business ventures, you are out of town and HE DOESN"T WANT SEX?
He stops doing things that are sweet that he used to....

Well first we can tell he's disconnecting... why could be anything such as you being gone for so long. But it could also be he's now spending all the relationship energy with someone new. Perhaps someone at work.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am sorry for your loss and your painful journey.
Many people end up in this place (aging, sick, dying parents).
....................................................................
I have callouses so it easy for me to expose that with advice, opinions.
...................................................................
During this stressful time, you very likely have not been an easy person to live with.
Have you created resentment in your husband?
If so, he may feign being tired so he does not have to become intimate with you.
His feelings probably mirror yours!

You claim he works too much, then you claim you do not have enough money.

He may be working long hours in an effort to:
a) avoid you because you are unpleasant and stressed out to the max.
b) bring that needed money that you claim the family lacks.

Have you thought about that/this?

You are away from the house, Monday through Friday and them come home to him on the weekend.
That shows him who has priority.

I agree, you are very stretched out, and are showing extreme loyalty to your parents.
That is a wonderful and unselfish thing.
For them, maybe not giving that basic love for your husband.

This stress, is carried over to your work place and your home.

You blame your work, you blame your husband for this stress.
Better put, for this *added* stress.

All employers expect you to give of your time and utmost effort.
They cannot be expected to cut you some slack, at least not for long.

You are the common denominator here, the stress is self-generated.

Your are stressed, I get that.
But, so is your husband.

Yes, flowers and sympathy from your husband would have been nice and certainly expected.
He is likely burnt out from your behavior.
He is treading water and living day to day.

A crabby wife makes for a cold husband.

You are likely suffering from anxiety/depression and are hard to be around.
It is hard to make love to a basket case.

See your prescribing doctor for help.
..............................................................

Your father dying, often indicates an adverse and synchronous period relative to other men, your husband included.
And it often is indicative of problems with authority figures, your employer, government, etc.

I see where your mother is also a handful.
Her husband died, she is fretful, maybe losing her faculties, and she feels lost and alone.
Again, a typical _end-of-life_ experience.

I do sympathize.
I just want you to know that this is part of life and its cycles.
In this, you are not alone.

None of us are, no one escapes death.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> I kind of surprised no one has asked if you have thought about him having and affair?


Didn't want to be the first one...


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I am sorry for the loss of your father. Please accept my condolences. 

Understand his passing has left you feeling vulnerable. Your rock is gone & you now have more responsibilities. That said, sleeping at mom's 3 days a week is not the answer. She needs to find a path forward as a widow. She's not the 1st woman to face this. She has friends. Encourage her to get re-involved her her hobbies & the community. Do call her daily & maybe have dinner with her once or twice a week but go back to your home & marriage. 

When my mom died, DH & I had dinner with Dad every Friday. I drove him to his Elks meetings every other Tuesday & we tried to include him when we went out with friends or to a party. We also took him on trips to change up the scenery for him. He made some new friends & developed a new routine. I learned that the local grocery story was like a big senior single's mixer on Wednesday mornings. (YMMV)

Have you point blank told your husband any of what you complain about here? If your husband has a new component to his job, he may be stressed in that new roll. He may also think that earning more money by working all the time is the best way to support you. You need to tell him more about what you would prefer. Say things along the lines of "thank you for working so hard to support us but I miss the way we used to be. You used to [whatever it was that he did that you loved; be specific like got me flowers]. I really loved that. Can we do more of that please? I miss you & with my father gone I feel lost. Help me to get us back on track." If you offer concrete things that will help you, he will most likely do them for you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Didn't want to be the first one...


Yeah I'm not usually the first one but this has textbook signs.

While she's upset that he hasn't been more supportive. He's probably feeling abandoned. Then you add distance, time alone and the lack of intimacy it all adds up. Motive, Time, all that's needed is a body so to speak.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yeah I'm not usually the first one but this has textbook signs.
> 
> While she's upset that he hasn't been more supportive. He's probably feeling abandoned. Then you add distance, time alone and the lack of intimacy it all adds up. Motive, Time, all that's needed is a body so to speak.


I think she had another thread where she mentioned he had ED. Like you said, he probably feels abandoned and is acting distant when she's around as payback.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Report
*search4answers*

you post that " - isn't there for me" - what does that mean? I ask as this phrase is so often uttered and I always wonder where the other person is - physically/emotionally/metaphorically or whatever? What does the person who says "isn't there for me" really want? Words? Deeds? A trip to Tahiti?

Have you asked to have a chat regarding your feelings? Or, maybe, you are just internally festering because he "isn't there for me" and you are getting frustrated he isn't sensing he needs to do something different or additional?

He is working to support your home and life together. That is finances and bears it's own conversation.

Taking care of your mother - another conversation unto itself. Is your mother incapable of taking care of herself if you are not there?

Just a side thought - are you spending time there (mom's house) to get away from your husband? But you say you want more time together? I'm confused what your thinking is regarding being together?

You have yet to be married a long time and marriage can be really hard at times to remain civil with each other when stresses occur. Death in family? Loss of Job? Child rearing? and lots of other things that can happen -

If you are unhappy with your current situation - YOU have to make moves to fix that. 

You post "have been neglected by him" - is that the whole 4 years of your marriage? How was your relationship before marriage? Was it really what you wanted? If so, what has changed?

If your husband is "off his feed" because of you taking care of your mother (time being part of that) - think about what your life together will become if/when you decide to have a child or two. The feeling of neglect needs addressing and soon. You should not let this issue (your feelings/assesment/reality?) fester as it will get to a state of more resentment on your part.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You're fed up with your husband? 
I'm sure that he's fed up with you too.
You're "Feeling neglected?"
Hell, you abandoned him.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sorry for your loss and it is a given that your mother probably needs some support.
But, hell, you moved out.
Instead of sitting down as a couple and discussing how you both *in tandem* could support your mother.....
You ran off.
It sounds like you unilaterally decided how things were going to go down.
Husband gets the scraps. 
It is no freaking wonder he detached.
You talk about "Lack of quality time." What are *you* doing to make that happen?
You say that you live "Not a far distance " from your mom. What does that look like?
Does that mean a couple miles or a couple hours away? If it is more like the latter, why can she not move closer? Why can you not check up on her daily via phone? Is she an invalid? If that is the case, secure help.
You say that you both need money. So he's working.
What more do you want? He is working at least as hard as you are.
*Plus, you abandoned him.*
If it's not too late already, and you truly want to save your marriage, you would be best served to go back and review the wedding vows that you agreed to and act accordingly.
It's really not rocket science.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

@search4answers Have you told your husband how you feel?

By the sounds of it, you’re the one in need of help.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Phew!

Both sides of this problem and issue have been extensively broached.
Hopefully, our poster has not been driven off!

OP, take in what you like and agree with.

Defend against, or ignore the rest.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yeah I'm not usually the first one but this has textbook signs.
> 
> While she's upset that he hasn't been more supportive. He's probably feeling abandoned. Then you add distance, time alone and the lack of intimacy it all adds up. Motive, Time, all that's needed is a body so to speak.


One thing I am wondering as well. The OP mentioned things changed when her H started a new part of his work. Maybe he is dealing with a lot of added stress with the new job and this could have been an instance where he could have really used his wife's support. In his mind, at a time where he could really use his W, she has checked out on him. Add to that, effectively moving out (talk about feeling abandoned), and it could very well put him in a frame of mind where he is looking for support elsewhere. Not pinning this on the OP as I am sure they both played a role in where they are now, just trying to think of where he may be coming from.

There was a period not too long ago with my job where the amount of stress and hours I was putting in really picked up (working weekends, working on days off, etc...). My W saw the strain it was putting on me, but she was so focused on stuff she was dealing with, that for me at a time where I could have really used her, she had checked out on me. It was short lived, but I did have some resentment towards her at the time. So I am looking at this situation based on my own scenario as maybe providing some insight into what the H may be thinking.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I understand having elderly parents that need help. I've had plenty of experience with that myself. One thing that I kept in mind is that my husband and children are my primary responsibility. Yes, my parents were important, but it had to fit within the context of the rest of the family. We are all important.

I am blessed that when my mother was unable to take care of herself, we lived together and I was able to care for her in our home. It got to the point where Mom couldn't be left alone at all. Sometimes I would take her with me to the bathroom, because she had a tendency to disappear. I didn't want to find her at the bottom of a cliff, which is a real possibility where we live.

My husband, children, and other close family members also were very involved in her care. During the time when Mom was unable to care for herself, I made sure that my marriage was not put by the wayside. The kids and my niece would take turns watching Mom on Friday nights, so my husband and I could go out. We were intentional about spending time together and making our marriage a priority. It was a challenge, but it was necessary.

In a family, everyone matters. You have given your parents priority over your husband and wonder why he doesn't seem interested in you. I can't read your husband's mind, but I would guess that he feels you have abandoned him and the marriage. You seem pretty focused on what he's not doing for you, but have you considered what you aren't doing for him? Marriage is supposed to be mutual where a couple cares for each other and has each other's backs. That seems to be lost in your marriage. It's not going to get better if you don't make a serious effort to resolve this by moving back home and finding a solution for your mother that doesn't destroy your marriage. You and your mom can brainstorm some ideas, but don't leave your husband out of the mix. He is a part of all this and should have a voice as well.

About your husband’s situation. Why is he working so much? Are these additional hours bringing in more income? Is working more to fill the void in his life now that you are gone most of the time? Is he seeing someone else? These are all questions that should be looked into. It appears that both you and your husband have needs that are not being met. Unless he has found someone else, you two should be able to work through this and get back to a place where you are loving and supporting each other. It won’t happen if someone doesn’t go first in broaching the subject, so you can work together to find solutions and bring your marriage back to a healthy state. Since you are here, that would be you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Living with your mom and “usually” going home on the weekend to your husband is not the way to a happy marriage. Yes, the death of a parent is a huge adjustment for most people (it definitely was for me and I’m sorry you’re going through it) but neglecting your marriage has a consequence and you’re seeing it.


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

I'm very sorry about the loss of your father. That all by itself is a lot to deal with.

@search4answers how long have you been out of the house and how far is your mum's house from your home.

Do you have any siblings who can shoulder some of the care of your mum?

I think a lot of the other posters are being very harsh. You are the one hurting not your husband. He should be supporting you emotionally during this life altering event. This is a big change for both you and your mother. The partner who is not hurting should be helping the partner who is hurting. 

Your husband sounds like he is deliberately withholding emotional support, physical support and sexual intimacy because for a short time in his life he is not the centre of the universe. If the roles were reversed and a woman was sat at home sulking and refusing to be available to her husband when he needed sex or emotional support she would be vilified on TAM. 

Despite the terrible time you are going through you still planned a get away, came home to connect with your husband and tried to celebrate your anniversary. While he sulked at home like an overgrown child. 

You must be exhausted from the physical and emotional toll of recent events. 

Marriage should be a giving and receiving of love and support. 

Spouses can and do manage for short periods of time on their own. I'm a Navy brat and my Dad was gone for half my childhood. In a tin can under the ocean. He missed birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases, he was gone for months at a time and my mum managed on her own till he came back. No grudges were held. She didn't have tantrums because she wasn't his 'priority ' 24/7. Because she was a grown up who could handle her sh1t. 
Your husband shouldn't be being this much of a baby because your gone for a little while. He should be helping you find solutions to your dilemma about how to support your mum and supporting you emotionally so you can come home as soon as possible. 

The husband has to put effort into the marriage too.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How much time did you spend with your parents while your father was unwell? If you’ve been married only 4 years, I am assume you spent a lot of time on the illness taking care of him too, and now your mother. So that’s most of the marriage. 

I notice you mentioned your husband doing sweet things before, and your first post talks about you being ‘fed up’ and neglected. But I see your husband was hurting and probably trying a myriad sweet gestures to be noticed by his wife, who seems to always place him at a distant point in the future. 

I’ll spend time with later, right now my father is dying. Later later! I’m crazy busy with my job! Not now, my mother needs me. 

For people like you, ‘later’ can mean being divorced. There’s always something keeping you away from him, and remember, our new family is our spouse. 

I see you talking of neglect, but I am absolutely certain, certain that your husband has tried nicely, argued and pleaded with you to give him a look first. And now he’s stopped asking. 

All I see here is the neglect he has suffered. It does appear that you want a lot from him, but your post reeks of being too busy for him, and now that he can’t take it anymore, you’re fed up. No, he is fed up. You’re lucky if there’s a spark of anger, but it sounds like there’s no point so he’s just shut down. 

You have to give too. I feel sorry for him. 

I’ve seen parents live into their 90s and people lose marriages because the adults never really left home in a way. People who’ve also moved out (temporarily/conveniently/part time just like you) and left children and husbands and wives because an elderly parent needed this or that. Nobody’s going to wait around for decades for a parent to pass away and the caring spouse to finally say, oh now I need a break from all that caring. Just got some other stuff to catch up on, and I’ll be right with you. 

What you’re doing isn’t all that saintly.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad, I lost mine too, after an 18 month cancer fight and it was a devastating life event for me and the family.

I understand why you need to support your mum, during the last 2 weeks of Dad's life my brothers and I would take shifts to be there, and the last week especially none of us left, we were there 24/7. I lived 20 minutes from Mum and Dad when Dad died, and while my husband was at work, I would go over there every day for a couple of hours and spend time with Mum, drive her around while she sorted all the paperwork out that we had to do, but I went home each night. We had her over for dinner or we went to her for dinner a couple of times a week but I didn't stay there.

I had responsibilities and a relationship to nurture. You can't be staying at your mums through the week and only home on the weekends, that's very unfair to your husband but also your Mum, as it makes her reliant on you instead of finding her new path forward. She's not the first woman to go through this, and she won't be the last.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

DaringGreatly said:


> *You are the one hurting not your husband*. He should be supporting you emotionally during this life altering event. This is a big change for both you and your mother. *The partner who is not hurting *should be helping the partner who is hurting.


How do you know her husband isn't hurting too?? You don't.

Your Mum signed up for long separations from your Dad when she married a soldier. Comparing that to this situation is like comparing apples and oranges.


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> How do you know her husband isn't hurting too?? You don't.


Neither do you. As always we only have the posters version of events to go by. 

What I see is a woman going through a very difficult time and her husband doing nothing to help her or show he cares. As far as I am aware he is not grieving a loss. But I know that she is. 

If he is hurting he should say so but we haven't been given that info. So in my opinion you are projecting. 

My point with my parents is that marriages can survive temporary separations if the couple love each other and work together as a team. Life doesn't give advanced warnings or let you 'sign up'. 

The wife could get home to her husband a hell of a lot faster and start the grieving process if she had his assistance. 

My husband is from another country to mine. If his mother was suffering and he felt he needed to be there I would be a supportive partner and tell him go do what you need to do. Let me know if I can help. And take care of my family while he was away. I would of course want him to come back as soon as possible and I certainly would not be rejecting attempts to connect with me while we are apart. 

Maybe it's just different cultures IDK.


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Oh dear, I don`t like the sound of this.
> On reading your post I am assuming the following:
> Having only been married for 4 years you`re probably a young woman.
> Your husband works a lot because maybe he has to. He has a demanding job and you both need the income. You have said, to try and get myself together I need the money, which means your husband is probably the main breadwinner.
> ...


No, I do not wish to leave him. I am not young either(LOL). But I do see what you are saying. I don't want him to feel neglected. I guess I have felt torn because I am so new to the losing aa parent situation. I want to support my mom( who we moved here last year along with my dad so that I could offer support to them). My mom doesn't know anyone here so it just adds to my guilt. I want to be everything to everyone but I realize that I can't. So, I suppose that I will need to figure out a better balancing act.


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> I am sorry for your loss and your painful journey.
> Many people end up in this place (aging, sick, dying parents).
> ....................................................................
> I have callouses so it easy for me to expose that with advice, opinions.
> ...


I would not say that I am a basket case; nor would I say that I am hard to be around. As for my employment, and my dedication through ALL of this, let's just say not only did I do my job but I went well beyond what was expected of me- including sitting by my father's death bed and working-laptop with me at all times. The other point that I probably have failed to mention is that, last year, when my husband's mother was on her deathbed and indeed before it had gotten to that point, I was always there for him. I was there for her as well. I held his hand through every painful moment of her agonizing death, and while I was swamped with work AND taking care of my father, I took care of him and his fragile state as well. Just saying, that before you judge someone, make sure you see the full picture.


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

EllisRedding said:


> One thing I am wondering as well. The OP mentioned things changed when her H started a new part of his work. Maybe he is dealing with a lot of added stress with the new job and this could have been an instance where he could have really used his wife's support. In his mind, at a time where he could really use his W, she has checked out on him. Add to that, effectively moving out (talk about feeling abandoned), and it could very well put him in a frame of mind where he is looking for support elsewhere. Not pinning this on the OP as I am sure they both played a role in where they are now, just trying to think of where he may be coming from.
> 
> There was a period not too long ago with my job where the amount of stress and hours I was putting in really picked up (working weekends, working on days off, etc...). My W saw the strain it was putting on me, but she was so focused on stuff she was dealing with, that for me at a time where I could have really used her, she had checked out on me. It was short lived, but I did have some resentment towards her at the time. So I am looking at this situation based on my own scenario as maybe providing some insight into what the H may be thinking.


Thank you. You may be right. I have not exactly checked out on him... I just feel torn in terms of priorities. I feel guilty because my mom does know anyone here so she kind of lacks the emotional support that local friends and family can give. I have been trying to find some social groups to get her involved in. I will see where that goes.


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

DaringGreatly said:


> I'm very sorry about the loss of your father. That all by itself is a lot to deal with.
> 
> @search4answers how long have you been out of the house and how far is your mum's house from your home.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I have read the other responses and some have been rather harsh. As I stated in response to one person's post who referred to me as a " basket case", that is a judgement that that person cannot make. I have done so much within this past year, juggling more than any person would ever want to. When I found out that my dad was sick, I was in the middle of supporting my husband because his mother was sick. There were many days that HE had to stay with her because she could not be left alone. In his case, at least he has siblings. I have no one. I am an only child. I have to do it all. So in the midst of helping him take care of his mom, I left to go to my parents' hometown, took over my father's medical care, put their house on the market, helped pack their things, moved them where I am, took my dad to all of his dr's appointments in the beginning ( because it was a new town and they did not know their way around and my dad was to weak to drive), helped them with finding a new home, helped my husband with caring for his mother whose health was quickly deteriorating, made medical decisions for my dad when he was rushed to the hospital and found to be septic, and ALL of this while working a full time job from which I very rarely took off. I never asked my co-workers to help manage my caseload. I did all of it sometimes through tears but I did it. So at this point, others will have to excuse me if I am burnt out. I am because all of it has been on me. I wish that I had siblings that I could call and ask could they help with my mother. That would be wonderful. But I don't. I just want the same compassion that I gave to my husband when he was going through. I was never too busy, even with taking care of my father, to be there for him. That is all that I am saying. Thank you for understanding my point.


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> How much time did you spend with your parents while your father was unwell? If you’ve been married only 4 years, I am assume you spent a lot of time on the illness taking care of him too, and now your mother. So that’s most of the marriage.
> 
> I notice you mentioned your husband doing sweet things before, and your first post talks about you being ‘fed up’ and neglected. But I see your husband was hurting and probably trying a myriad sweet gestures to be noticed by his wife, who seems to always place him at a distant point in the future.
> 
> ...


Once again, another person making a judgement call without knowing who I am what the whole picture is. AS I have said in response to another person's post, when my husband's mother health was deteriorating and HE needed to stay with her because she could not be left alone, I did NOT give him a hard time about it. Before that he was over to her house quite often because she would not take proper care of herself! I HELPED with taking care of his mom, all while taking care of my dad, the bills and everything else. So once again, all I am saying is that I would expect the same kind of consideration that I gave him.....no more, no less!


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> How do you know her husband isn't hurting too?? You don't.
> 
> Your Mum signed up for long separations from your Dad when she married a soldier. Comparing that to this situation is like comparing apples and oranges.


Thank you!


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

DaringGreatly said:


> Neither do you. As always we only have the posters version of events to go by.
> 
> What I see is a woman going through a very difficult time and her husband doing nothing to help her or show he cares. As far as I am aware he is not grieving a loss. But I know that she is.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this post. I did the exact same thing that you speak of in this post. His mother and my day died a year apart from one another( meaning the same month). He stayed with his mother because she could not be left alone. I did not get angry or become resentful. I knew it had to be done until another solution could be sought. I miss my husband and my home. I miss sleeping in my own bed. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a year. This situation with my mom is not a long term solution to this problem. I was just aware that for most people, the loneliest time after losing a spouse is when the calls stop coming and everyone get back to life as normal. And the same has held true for my mom. I am trying to figure out what to do to help her at this moment in time. That is all.


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Agreed.
> I would consider my wife not living at home full time as being separated and if this continued on for the long term with my wife in the frame of mind that she want`s to leave and start afresh, I would be seeing a lawyer for advice.
> I wonder if the OP has been upfront with her husband that she feels done with the marriage? Having admitted the only reason she`s with her husband is because she doesn`t have the money to move on.


I pray that you will never find yourself in this situation. Because if that is truly how you feel, you may be in big trouble should something like this come knocking at your door. Please understand, I make money! I have worked all during this difficult situation, even sitting beside my father's hospice bedside while working. Money is NOT the issue. And once again, I will state for the record that last year when my husband needed to leave my side to go stay with his mom because she could no longer care for herself, I was not so selfish as to call an attorney and end the marriage. He did NOT leave my side to go have an affair with another woman, he left my side to go take care of his mother and I respected him for it!!!! That is what a caring, loving marriage is; it is about putting yourself last sometimes if it will help your spouse. I never once thought about leaving him or telling him that I was selfishly, resentful because he NEEDED to take care of his mother. He has a sibling who lives in the same area who rarely came to help with their mother. One guess, which one is sacked with guilt??? Not my husband because he remained true to what he had promised his father before he had passed, and that was that he would take care of his mother. I was never a hinderance to him in carrying out that promise and helped him in taking care of his mom all while taking care of my parents. Judge me if you choose to but I would not advise it as you may have to make difficult choices a lot sooner than you have time to ponder the answers.


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Remember the part of your wedding where they said that the couple will leave their father and mother and cling to their spouse? You broke that when you went to live with your mother. You placed your mother ahead of your husband in your heart and now you are complaining that he isn't supporting you. If my wife did that to me, I would tell her to not bother coming back on weekends and to not come back at all.


I will say this to you.........I hope you will never have to make such difficult choices, If your parents are not at the age yet where you have to consider these things, consider yourself lucky. But know this, it will not last forever. I too was haughty like you and though that I had all of the answers; then one day I heard the word "cancer" and my world caved in. So a word of warning, never say what you would not do, or what you would not put up with!


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## search4answers (3 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> @search4answers Have you told your husband how you feel?
> 
> By the sounds of it, you’re the one in need of help.


You're exactly right! The same type of help that I gave to him last year when he HAD to stay with his mother because she could not care for herself!!!!!HMMMM, I do believe marriage is supposed to be give and take; in good times and in bad times. I could be wrong..........


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want him to be there for you as you were for him and that’s understandable. The problem is that he isn’t like you and it doesn’t sound as if he wants to try to be. That leaves you unfortunately where you are now with likely no change. I am also an only child and both my parents died when I was my 40’s so I know what it’s like to be the one dealing with everything. Obviously the sooner this can be resolved the better it will be for your marriage.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

search4answers said:


> I will say this to you.........*I hope you will never have to make such difficult choices*, If your parents are not at the age yet where you have to consider these things, consider yourself lucky. But know this, it will not last forever. I too was haughty like you and though that I had all of the answers; then one day I heard the word "cancer" and my world caved in. So a word of warning, never say what you would not do, or what you would not put up with!


Been there, done that and have the t-shirt. My dad died of cancer at the age of 59. Everything fell on me to take care of my mom, including taking care of a farm and eventually selling it; getting her moved to a new place; if you're doing it now, I've done it before, with the exception of moving out of my house and away from my wife. Never did that one. Why? Because my wife still came first. 

You came here asking for advice and when you get it, you get defensive. Do you really want advice or for people to feel sorry for you? Do you really want advice or just someone to pat you on the head and tell you how wonderful you are? I think that you are giving us a glimpse of what your husband is having to put up with. You're all about patting yourself on the back and proclaiming how you handle things better than him. I understand why he is pulling back from you and I don't blame him. Good luck to you.


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