# New to this forum, just need to write



## Bryan24601 (Oct 13, 2014)

Ladies and Gents, so here we are.
My name is Bryan and have been married for 9+ years, and I have three beautiful children. 
The short version is that my wife and I have nothing in common, and our personalities couldn't be more different. We've grown apart over time. Since there is no common thread other than our kids, it's basically caused us to bring out the worst in each other and, so here I am; and if nothing else, I'm able to get this all out and off my chest-- so thanks for reading.

We recently moved from just outside of Washington DC to South Florida on her request so that we could be closer family, since we were all alone and isolated in Virginia with a family of 5 and nothing else. I begged my employer for an internal transfer, and after a ton of coordination and them bending over backwards to make things happen, they relocated me, and even paid the bill for the move. Career wise, this is the best company I could work at in my field and I am very very fortunate in that regard.

We are still selling our property in Va, and have moved in with my parents. It's not as bad as it sounds, and I really hope that one day I can express my gratitude to them. They have been very supportive and helpful during this transition we're in while moving. 

I admit that I can be a very mean, nasty, and selfish person. I know its a problem, and I'm seeking help for it thru counseling. My wife does not work, but she stays home and takes care of the younger two, who are in a 1/2 day preschool program. She is very heavily involved with online gaming, and much of the time I feel as if she puts more of a focus on that than 'real life'. Thru this she's made many male friends which has sparked my jealousy since she's getting emotional support from them instead of from me.

We are total opposites--except that she doesn't like beer, I'm the 'girl' in the relationship. She likes football, video games, not talking about emotions. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I'm about to burst because of this situation.

I've been married once before and that ended after only two years, even though we were high school sweethearts. So this is the second time in my adult life that I've screwed things up and I don't know how to cope with this. I'm so disappointed with my personal life and now its falling apart in front of me. 

I took today off of work so we could try to talk and all its done for me, is make me feel like a failure as a husband because I can be such an ******* to her (and our personalities are so volatile that its so difficult to keep this in check), and watching my children play is ripping me apart because I can see the writing on the wall. They don't deserve this and I can't express my disappointment in myself and this situation.
I need help. I need advice. 

I have my dream job, get to travel the world at my company's expense, love my children, but I hate my situation. I can pinpoint the exact moment that when my wife and I were dating that we should have broken things off, and as stupid as this sounds- I wish more than ever that I had a time machine. I can say for certain that if it weren't for our children we would not be together.

I hope to be able to get some advice from this forum. The truth is, that nether of us are happy, but I'd do whatever it takes to keep the kids in a stable family situation. Even at my own expense.

Thanks for reading.
Bryan


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Online gaming can be addicting. You have a right to expect her to do more with her unstructured time.

The best way to bring this up is in MC.

Do you love your wife? Do you have an affectionate sex life?

What positive is there in her?

Does she have any ambition.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can still grow to care about each other. I'd suggest first that you read the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see if it registers with you.


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## Bryan24601 (Oct 13, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Online gaming can be addicting. You have a right to expect her to do more with her unstructured time.
> 
> The best way to bring this up is in MC.
> 
> ...


We've gone to MC. Maybe it was the therapist but there were never any actions for us to take, so no results. Just weekly rehash of the past leaving us feeling worse every time.
We have no sex life.
I care for her because she is the mother of my children, but I'm not in love with her.
Positive in her--she cares very much for her friends. Its good to see her play with the kids. Kind of having a difficult time coming up with more.
In terms of ambition-- she's no dummy. Very well educated (just about PhD, but dropped out), top of her field when she was working. If you're asking if she has the drive to try to fix things-- highly doubtful. She's trying to work up an 'exit plan' for me to agree to for when this doesn't work (her words).


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## Bryan24601 (Oct 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> You can still grow to care about each other. I'd suggest first that you read the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see if it registers with you.


So I just google'd that book. I'm not passive and I do confront things face on. That's part of the problem...saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and pushing it to extremes. Or thinking there is a problem when there isn't...and then pushing it to extremes. By that I mean that I won't let things go. pick pick pick


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

So she is having emotional affairs with other dudes and you seem okay with it.

Dont do that.

Find out how deep they go then put a stop to it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Has she said that she has given up?

Can you tell her that you would like to try to save your marriage?

Usually folks on TAM don't recommend telling their SO that they are here but since you wife likes to spend time online, maybe you could tell her about your thread and ask her to start one of her own?

As for homework, well, you can send her a message telling her that tonight you have a treat for her. Buy some chocolate and give her a massage, not with sex as a goal. Just a massage before going to sleep.

Don't expect or ask for anything in return. Just do it to give.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

In your posts, you said: you don't love her and you have nothing in common. She seems not to love you either. You are without sex in your marriage. You dislike her pastimes: online gaming, her friends, football, etc. You have a sexless and loveless marriage. It can't work.


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## Bryan24601 (Oct 13, 2014)

If it weren't for my kids, who I would do anything for, I'd have split a long time ago. I'm staying in this marriage for their sake.
The fact that she is in an emotional relationship with a gamer kid has really got me all worked up. I'm NOT okay with it...even in the least--but there isn't much to do about it.
I've kept my distance for the past two days and its been noticed. I was called cold today and asked why I hate her. My response was is that if I'm the problem as she keeps saying, then I'm staying distant.
I'm trying to work on myself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good answer.

Next time it comes up, answer the same way but throw in the fact that you will no longer share her with her gaming boy friends.

You are getting cheated out of an emotional connection with your wife cuz you wife is spend her emotion on others and not on you.

Go see a lawyer...its time to shake this marriage up!

I went 13 years like this...it ain't worth it...not even for the kids. Alls you are doing is giving them a crappy example of what marriage is.

Trust me, your wife has it made...a boyfriend to treat her like a women and a husband that pays for everything...why should she change that kind of deal.

Its time to shake things up and get a lawyer.

I'm guessing here but if you could read or hear what her and her boyfriend are saying you would be down at the court house in a second.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Bryan24601 said:


> We are total opposites--except that she doesn't like beer


I guess you don't like beer either then. 

How is this relevant?

Are you trying to say that your mutual dislike of beer is the one thing you have in common?


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## Bryan24601 (Oct 13, 2014)

She left tonight and took the kids to her Mother's. My oldest is devastated and the younger two think they are going on vacation to grandmas...
worst day ever. I'm so disappointed.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Bryan24601 said:


> She left tonight and took the kids to her Mother's. My oldest is devastated and the younger two think they are going on vacation to grandmas...
> worst day ever. I'm so disappointed.


Sorry to hear this but protect yourself on Monday take half out of the joint bank acct. and set up one for you only.
Get the book "Married Mans Sex Life Primer"

do her parents know about this?
If not inform them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You DO have legal rights, you know. Have you inquired?


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## Bryan24601 (Oct 13, 2014)

Yes @tom67 her parents (mom) knows. That's where she went.
My parents know...we're living with them and had this life event right in front of them.
Dad is saying no stupid moves--like trying to protect myself and take 50% of everything right now when we're emotional. Our bank acct has only 5K in it at most.
She's been texting me all morning and we're going back and forth--more of an airing of grievances than anything else.
not sure where to take it. ask her to come back? can we fix things? I don't know...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stay calm. Do not admit to anything. Say nothing except "I'm willing to sit down in front of a counselor to talk about this."


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Bryan24601 said:


> So I just google'd that book. I'm not passive and I do confront things face on. That's part of the problem...saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and pushing it to extremes. Or thinking there is a problem when there isn't...and then pushing it to extremes. By that I mean that I won't let things go. pick pick pick


well, are you my husband? just kidding. But I can tell you that being mean, nasty and pushy to get your way, and not knowing when is time to stop is very damaging to relationship. it goes against the love and kindness, affection, emotional support. Makes the partner to be on his/her guard all the time, waiting for the next time you loose your cool in disrespectful way. Subconsciesly waiting for it even when things are going great. Subconscieusly building a wall inside, so you cannot hurt her anymore. It is very easy to fall for EA in situation like this - love, affection, attention she is getting from you is very clouded by the nasty words.


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

File for divorce now. Act fast and cold because you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of lonesome woe with this woman. 

Why? 10 years usually marks "long term marriage" in family court and you will be paying spousal support until "death, remarriage or further action of the court." Since she hasn't worked, that means no income for her in the computation of the income needed for her to maintain her "standard of living." It's all on you buddy. That also means she'll shack up with some guy and you'll be paying their room and board. She won't marry him because that will cut off the gravy train. 

Plus she'll get the kids and you'll be paying support for them too. Get used to searching under cushions for spare change. That's all you'll have.


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