# I failed.



## Itsamenotmario (May 15, 2021)

Hello,


First post and a long one... It's real bad, folks. I'm writing this for posterity so hopefully someone can gain some insight into their own relationship, and for some self accountability. If you just want to criticize me and offer nothing else, don't im way more critical and hateful of myself than you'll ever be. 

My name isn't Mario, but honestly using Nintendo character names gives a little mental distance and retain relative anonymity, for now at least. So ill be Mario and my wife will be Peach. 

I realize now how much I've failed her. Who is the better friend? The one who buys you a shot when you are ready smashed, or the one who takes your keys? There is very much mutual blame on both sides, different types of crap perhaps but enough to paint Starry night as a 40ft mural in shades of brown.

We've been married for 10 years. She had a previous marriage that failed. She's my first and last. Ill never remarry. We have three children about six years apart from each other ages 3,9,16. The first 8 years of our marriage were ups and downs but very much more ups. We were both in our early to mid 20s and fell for each other. Then something happened after our youngest was born and its been a slow downward spiral.

She was a beautiful, vibrant, loving, considerate person who was a great match for me. We didn't fight often and had a lot of sex. we had a house in a small town together and worked very hard. Then, she put on a significant amount of weight... like 125lbs and she's 5'7. She stopped caring for herself and in general let herself completely go. Like literally she had issues even regularly brushing her teeth type of self neglect, and didn't care.

I didn't care either as I loved her and stupidly believed she'd come back on her own. As her health declined other health problems became exacerbated and killed her libido. I thought it was all my fault, but I can see now that a ton of the time she gaslit me about things.

She wouldn't go to the doctor because they'd make her feel fat. She wouldn't go to the dentist because they'd just tell her she has bad habits. Blah blah blah. Excuses about why instead of enthusiastically making love turned in a sigh filled chore before stopping altogether. I tried, guys. I tried hard. She would say that she's worried about money and that's killing the mood for her. I busted ass and got a much better job. She then said that I didn't spend enough time with her. I get an even better job making even more and only working 3 days a week. On and on and on over the last few years. Where she'd make an excuse.

I didn't know it at the time... actually until very recently how much I grew to resent her. I went to therapy for stress and problems stemming from what I thought was work. No, I realize now it was compounded frustration of feeling powerless to show love and receive emotional fulfillment as my love language is physical affection and sex and she's absolutely dead below the belt.

So many little thing just stacked and stacked and stacked for the resentment. Her crazy ass jealousy for example... a former boss of mine happened to be female and had an emergency appendectomy. Me and some of my Goomba (remember Mario) colleagues to buy her a welcome back basket. I told her what was up multiple times, showed her the collected cash even and bought it with my card. She accused me of infidelity with my boss. Or the time she started screaming at me about having an affair while I'm in the shower because I left my email open and some click bait "I saw your profile and you are hot" spam. I've never had any account on any dating site, ever.

Tried dates, tried toys, try, try, try. It was always a little pretend pick up in libido (like a single, terrible, sad screw) before back to nothing. Never initiated, never ever gave without first receiving and made it my and only my problem. She'd complain about how she wanted me to plan a date and I'd ask her when the last time she planned a date for us after I'd done it a half dozen times and each night had some disaster or another. (protip: she wouldn't plan a date with me).

So it went until we started fighting and then we stopped. I started avoiding her and drinking more as I would go out to just to try to have a conversation and be distracted. It helped a little with the symptoms.

A few more months passed and I told her how unhappy I was and how she made me feel. I offered a solution in scheduled intimacy and me planning dates. This included Monday either in the morning or at night and Thursday nights. So that first monday I made sure we had plenty of time; over an hour to have sex before she had to get up. She rejected me gently without even looking to the clock and ignored me that night choosing instead to watch twitch. So, she immediately had broken what she agreed to.

It finally boiled over the next night as I sat in the dark stewing over everything feeling bitter and alone while she snored next to me.

What was it that was so wrong with me? I'd let her do what she wanted, I put up with the self neglect, I did the vast majority of everything. Cooking, cleaning, childcare, kids activities, trying so very hard to please her and she couldn't even do ONE thing to help me be satisfied with our relationship? I felt all the weight of that resentment build inside.

Now here's the part that means I failed....

I woke her up to talk about this. I confronted her and I wasn't nice about it. I was angry, felt betrayed, and all in all sick of her crap. She didn't take it well and decided it was a great idea to insult me, vilify me in my needs, claim that I only wanted her for her body and mock me saying I only found meaning in life with my ****. After everything I'd done to please her THAT was her take?

I lost control and backhanded her. I shocked myself and immediately regretted it. Don't worry I hate myself more than you ever could and will never forgive myself. Then I had to wake up my kids and tell them what happened before I could leave peacefully, which I did. I had to because she stood in front of the door and I could not leave without forcibly moving her.

I didn't catch a charge, but something deep inside makes me think that she did the last part to hurt me as deeply as she could and cya if we divorce and so she can poison the kids against me. There's no trust from me towards her anymore and I hate it. 

We're separated right now, its obviously for the best but I have a small hope things can be put right. She agreed to see an individual therapist, go to the doctor, and the dentist. I can't call it a win as it cost me seeing my kids regularly for at least a long while, my self respect, and damn near my life (don't worry I'm ok, now). 

I contemplated blowing my brains out very seriously in the bathroom of a 24hr McDonald's about 20 minutes after I left. I had my concealed carry gun against head, chambered, about 4lbs of force on a 5lb trigger... it was a bad moment, but it passed and something ill never disclose to anyone besides my therapist, which I did.

I decided to live because no matter what the kids NEED me. Even if just for the financial support, my kids deserve every chance at a better life and not have a questioning self doubt if they could of done something.

I'm back in therapy, loaded on antidepressants, and living a few hours away now. We've spoken a few times now and seen each other once. We have firm boundaries of permission and she's taken the first preliminary steps as I described above. I'm taking it one day at a time and decided to do all the things she hated or made her uncomfortable.

I've started back at exercising everyday she was afraid I'd look like I did when I was a serious athlete and some trolip could tempt me away or some crap like that. I've rekindled some old friendships that fell by way side from the fact she couldn't handle a double date because she hates her appearance so much.

Its felt good to be busy, because I turned myself into someone else to cope with her self neglect, and I can see that clearly now. I changed for her but lost myself, and all the changes were bad.

I'm really really surprised at the reactions of people I love and respect after I've told them about me hitting Peach. I thought I would be held in complete contempt by most, but surprisingly enough that's not the case. From some who are borderline redpill ( I work in manufacturing the additive follows) to my ultra woke liberal harass stepmother. Damn... just damn. The general flavor of the conversations has been "that was bad behavior but someone can only be pushed so far. You reached your limit. That can never happen again". I agree fully. I don't think Peach could ever push me there again because I keep coming back to thinking it was all manipulative action to control me to get me to feel guilty to keep me quiescent.

I'll be updating from now on every week or so as this progresses.


So long for now,

-Mario


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Hey Mario, Luigi here  . What you describe is life. I've been through the same. The road to recovery and acceptance is very long. It's nobody's fault. Keep up with the therapy and concentrate on yourself. Your wife might come around or might not. It's good she is taking steps. Give it a time limit - maybe a few months - and then decide what to do, when you are feeling better. Good luck!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What has happened about the children? They need to see you regularly. Why do you need to live so far away from them?


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## Itsamenotmario (May 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What has happened about the children? They need to see you regularly. Why do you need to live so far away from them?



The kids are good. She's a good mother, really. I agree they do need to see me. I saw them yesterday for a slice of time and that has to be enough right now. My oldest refuses to speak to me, fine. Her feelings are not only valid but justified. Middle texts me pretty much everyday. Youngest is still very young.

I live 2 hours away as that's where my father lives and I'm currently staying in an apartment he owns. That's temporary.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Itsamenotmario said:


> My oldest refuses to speak to me, fine. Her feelings are not only valid but justified. Middle texts me pretty much everyday. Youngest is still very young.
> 
> I live 2 hours away as that's where my father lives and I'm currently staying in an apartment he owns. That's temporary.


It's normal that the 16 years old won't speak to you. She'll come around, eventually. But it's important you see them regularly and also keep trying with the oldest...


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## Itsamenotmario (May 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> It's normal that the 16 years old won't speak to you. She'll come around, eventually. But it's important you see them regularly and also keep trying with the oldest...


Yup. To all. I'm a lot of things but I guess quitter isn't one of them. Lol.


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## Itsamenotmario (May 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Hey Mario, Luigi here  . What you describe is life. I've been through the same. The road to recovery and acceptance is very long. It's nobody's fault. Keep up with the therapy and concentrate on yourself. Your wife might come around or might not. It's good she is taking steps. Give it a time limit - maybe a few months - and then decide what to do, when you are feeling better. Good luck!


Thank you for the support, bro.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds to me as if she is very much just as responsible for the mess. However it's the children who matter now. Try and get a place near them so you can see them regularly and hopefully have a good amount of custody. 
I just hope that she doesn't use them as pawns to hurt you, the child suffer the most when that happens.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> It's normal that the 16 years old won't speak to you. She'll come around, eventually.


Yep. When she needs money she have you believing she's a daddy's girl. Itsame, take my word for it with wifey poo, if she's anything like you say, she just a slob and don't give a rats azz about you and your needs. As bad as slapping her is, you need to read between the lines of your actions and realize you're fed up with her slothfulness and being a sorry azz wife. Hey, she may be a good mother, if the kids don't have to smell her breath due to lack of oral hygiene.
Don't go back. You have reached your limit putting up with her shyt and the next time may be more than a back hand. She ain't gonna change and you ain't going to be able to stay engaged in it without losing it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> Yep. When she needs money she have you believing she's a daddy's girl.


That's true as well...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds like a great marriage. What’s the positive of trying to fix it? I don’t see one.
Your kids you can support and you can move on. You had a gun to your head as a result of this marriage. Think about that. I’ve been there. No marriage that results in a gun to your head is worth going back to. You need to let her go. She’s already let you and even herself go.


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## Itsamenotmario (May 15, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Yep. When she needs money she have you believing she's a daddy's girl.
> Don't go back..... She ain't gonna change and you ain't going to be able to stay engaged in it without losing it.


Maybe, the oldest is a better person than both of us, but I know both your warnings come from experience. I'm hopeful, but not optimistic that this won't end in divorce. I'm not ready to believe that Peach and I are over, but I won't allow myself to be put into a position where my needs are ignored and everything always is my fault because I'm not enough.

Time will tell.


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## Itsamenotmario (May 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds like a great marriage. What’s the positive of trying to fix it? I don’t see one.
> Your kids you can support and you can move on. You had a gun to your head as a result of this marriage. Think about that. I’ve been there. No marriage that results in a gun to your head is worth going back to. You need to let her go. She’s already let you and even herself go.


Greatly screwed up, I do agree. 

Yes, I agree with you intellectually that it isn't worth it, but it is about effort and this is people crap.

No, I would feel way worse if I didn't make a best effort attempt. After all of this I have to look myself in the mirror and own it. I choose "I did everything I could" as the cornerstone of the foundation of rebuilding my self respect with or without her. I take my vows seriously... so as screwed up as it is I have to be sure.

However, my terms are firm and I wil not be put into a situation again where my own mental health, physical health, and relationship needs are sidelined.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming this is the one episode of violence, I do not think you are an abusive A-hole. 

Everyone has their limit and you found yours. 

I do believe you are doing the right thing in leaving and putting her in your rearview mirror however. 

If she is pushing you to the point of violence and possible domestic abuses charges and jail time and criminal record and loss of your children, loss of gun rights etc then she is toxic and a threat to you. 

That's not to even mention your suicidal ideation. If she is driving you to even considering ending your life and leaving your kids fatherless, then you really have no choice but to terminate the marriage and distance yourself from her as much as possible. You may have been the one that struck her and you may be the one with gun (so you will be the one getting blamed) but she is the threat to YOU. She is threatening your sanity, your freedom, your clean record and even your very life. removing yourself from her influence is your only rationale choice. 

Now if 5 years from now, she has sought treatment for her issues and has taken charge of her health and her sanity and is living the straight and narrow and has transformed into a responsible and fully functional adult and you two want to give it another try, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. 

But for now she is dangerous and serious threat to your freedom, your safety, your relationship with your children and even your life. 

You haven't failed. This is still a work in progress and you are doing the right things. It sucks but you are currently on the right path now.


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