# Dating WAY Outside the Box (esp. Wealthy Men)



## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

aaarrrggghhh.... crap.... I've skimmed a few posts on this topic and those that really jumped out at me included variations of "rich guys are evil, self-centered, etc."... This is a huge red flag but I'm not easy swayed by stereotypes yet I am logical. I can see the data to support the psychology behind their status & power. 

I recently went on a blind date with a guy who is very wealthy. We had spoken on the phone, texted alot and we absolutely hit it off in the personality/humor department. 

The fact that he is wealthy & is already wanting to spend crazy amounts of money on me after our first date is very disturbing. It's very generous & I'm flattered but it just doesn't sit well (cue red flags for potential control/power issues). I'm trying to convince myself that is the main reason why I am hesitant to date him but I am ashamed to admit that probably isn't the biggest reason.

My shallow side is also whispering in my ear... "he isn't bad looking but he is definitely not handsome by any means..." I look much younger than I am but he looks even more older than he is.... I sound like such an egotistical *****.... UGH! 

If I date this guy it will be the first time I've done so based on personality alone. It doesn't feel right but then again... the broke handsome men I have dated can be just as bad if not worse. 

How does a person get comfortable with a drastic change from their usual type of partner? 

Is it possible to become attracted to someone eventually? 

How do I keep him from trying to kiss or hug me until/if I get there? 

How do I handle accepting or declining gifts, vacations, etc. without insulting him? 

I'll feel like I'm stringing him along while I decide if personality/humor alone will "get me there"... I'll essentially be lying to him and for all intents & purposes become a glorified prostitute without any of the physical intimacy.... 

It would be soooo much easier if we could custom order a guy who is stable (emotionally & financially), does not have a BSC ex or young kids (NOT still married), is handsome (sexy), funny, loves sports & music and is geographically desirable!!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sounds like you're trying to sell yourself into being attracted to him. You may manage to make yourself think you believe it for a little while but IMO attraction, at least physical, is either there or it isn't. 

Not sure I understand what bearing the size of his tax return has to do with it. If he's wealthy it's easy for him to buy gifts which compared to the standard of the population would make him stand out - he's just using a tool available to him to make him unique. If it makes you uncomfortable softly suggest something like, "instead of buying me something it would mean so much if you made or wrote me something" but it sounds like the relationship may not be there yet. Just don't let him think he can "buy your affection" and if he tries just politely avoid or decline, otherwise smile and say "thank you."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think attraction isn't something that can be created.

What are the things you like about him (besides his wealth?)

And what is a BSC ex?


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

Thank you for the reply... 

I am very much attracted to his personality/humor/intelligence... I'm not attracted to him esthetically. I feel like that makes me shallow. I'm not going to lie; if I was physically attracted immediately (in addition to his personality) then I'm certain the gifts, vacations, etc. would be VERY easy to accept. 

I have not had a stellar dating record. I tend to fall for good looking guys that end up being jerks - regardless of their financial status. I'm wondering if it might be time for me to expand my usual type to see if it works. I don't want to end up being a "jerk" if it doesn't work.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

LaxUF said:


> My shallow side is also whispering in my ear... "he isn't bad looking but he is definitely not handsome by any means..."
> 
> If I date this guy it will be the first time I've done so based on personality alone. It doesn't feel right but then again... the broke handsome men I have dated can be just as bad if not worse.
> 
> ...


:lol: :lol: :rofl: Yes it would be much easier if we could custom order a man! :rofl:

But, in all seriousness, it is possible to become attracted to him eventually.

Years ago, I dated a guy that I wouldn't normally date. He was about my height, maybe slightly shorter, and bald*ing*. He had a great sense of humor and his personality was awesome - always happy and smiling. This told me that he was totally comfortable with himself, which he was, and that in itself was attractive. He wasn't rich by any means, but he did have a job and his own place. I never thought I'd end up falling in love with him, but I did. The more I was around him, the more "cute" he was to me and he totally turned me on. We had amazing chemistry, after my "shallowness" went away, and our sex was great! Alot of these things you can tell from that first kiss. 

I normally went for the taller guys with nice hair, etc. Cute and attractive from the get go...

I'd say give it a chance, take it day by day, and see what happens. You never know....  :smthumbup:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ok - don't take offense at this I'm just approaching from a different direction. If he was the exact same guy but had average financial resources would we be having this conversation?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Ok - don't take offense at this I'm just approaching from a different direction. If he was the exact same guy but had average financial resources would we be having this conversation?


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I think attraction isn't something that can be created.
> 
> What are the things you like about him (besides his wealth?)
> 
> And what is a BSC ex?


His list of attributes are; VERY funny, easy to talk to, intelligent, ambitious, available, does not appear to be snobby... but maybe a little pushy & trouble with boundaries/control issues.

Actually his wealth isn't something I am attracted to... it makes me uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY by making what I felt like was an impulsive & overly generous offer for a vacation - on our first date! One of my biggest fears is risking or losing my independence. I'm not saying it would not be a NICE perk to have someone that can easily afford expensive vacations, dinners, etc... it's just not on my list of "must-haves".

BSC = Bat Sh*t Crazy


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

K - so just give it some time - go on a few more dates with him - that's what they're for. Just don't talk yourself into a relationship - be honest. If it comes together that's awesome, but if it doesn't admit it for both your sakes.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Ok - don't take offense at this I'm just approaching from a different direction. If he was the exact same guy but had average financial resources would we be having this conversation?


No offense taken.... VERY good direct question that I obviously missed asking myself by dancing around the topic.

I'll try to answer that without the dancing but I'm not sure I can... bare with me while I try...

YES... because of the good traits I mentioned previously.

NO... because physical attraction is very high on my "must-haves".

YES... because given my track record maybe I should place less of a priority on the physical attraction.

NO... because I'm not sure it's enough.

Sorry.... couldn't avoid the dance. I TRIED THOUGH!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm going to add this and then give someone else a chance to get a word in so I don't take over your thread. 

Physical looks are guaranteed to fade unless he's D!ck Clark, money may or not always be there. 

Personality and the person someone is are the least likely things about someone to change and even that's not guaranteed, but the longer you get to know someone before closing the deal the better idea you'll have. Good Luck - like I said -get to know him a little better. Love and attraction can take any number of forms in a relationship and in a good one they will take several different ones as the years progress.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why don't you just date him and see how it goes. If you find after a few dates, the attraction just isn't happening for you, then end it. 

Dating is all about trying shoes on to see if they fit.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> K - so just give it some time - go on a few more dates with him - that's what they're for. Just don't talk yourself into a relationship - be honest. If it comes together that's awesome, but if it doesn't admit it for both your sakes.


I'm pretty sure I will go on at least one, maybe two more dates but since I declined his overly generous offer he is wanting to set the next date now and aside from the subject matter discussed here... I have other priorities that are preventing me from saying yes or no for a few more days. I won't be able to give him an answer until the day of... 

If he doesn't handle that well then at least I'll have my answer... ZZZAAAPPPP - not for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Our "like" buttons are gone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's almost like you are trying to convince yourself to date him. Like trying to talk yourself out of it.

And I think it's probably because you're not attracted to him.

Least that is how I'm reading your posts.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My advice is to stop wasting his time on you. You're not into him. That's not going to change, and he is eventually going to want intimacy and a partner who loves him. That's not going to be you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

LaxUF said:


> Thank you for the reply...
> 
> I am very much attracted to his personality/humor/intelligence... I'm not attracted to him esthetically. I feel like that makes me shallow. I'm not going to lie; if I was physically attracted immediately (in addition to his personality) then I'm certain the gifts, vacations, etc. would be VERY easy to accept.
> 
> I have not had a stellar dating record. I tend to fall for good looking guys that end up being jerks - regardless of their financial status. I'm wondering if it might be time for me to expand my usual type to see if it works. I don't want to end up being a "jerk" if it doesn't work.


It doesn't make you shallow. You like what you like. If all you wanted was good looks, maybe then you'd be shallow, but everyone has some minimum level of attractiveness they desire.

From a guy's perspective, we bring what we have to the game. Having money makes it easier to make you feel like Cinderella. Having good looks means its easy to get attention, which has a tendency to breed jerks. Having a good personality is the harder sell initially, but is generally what keeps her.

Sounds like you have two out of three down. Maybe you'll warm up to his looks as time goes by? If you can't see that happening, then I think you should pass - you'll still crave the hot guy.

Date him anyway and see how it goes.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Our "like" buttons are gone.


uuummm.... ok? what does that mean? I saw the "like" button, I clicked it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They were...briefly. Now they are back. Idk what happened.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It's almost like you are trying to convince yourself to date him. Like trying to talk yourself out of it.
> 
> And I think it's probably because you're not attracted to him.
> 
> Least that is how I'm reading your posts.


I'm attracted to his personality... not his looks or his money... 

I've never dated outside of the "looks box" so I'm wondering if anyone else has and what their experience has been. 

I don't want to waste his time, my time or lead him on... but I also don't want to categorically dismiss him just because he isn't incredibly handsome & miss a chance at it being successful either.

I think it is worth exploring a little further with a few more dates but I'm going to make sure they are very casual/low-key.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

LaxUF said:


> I'm attracted to his personality... not his looks or his money...
> 
> I've never dated outside of the "looks box" so I'm wondering if anyone else has and what their experience has been.
> 
> ...


IMO - good plan


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You really don't seem shallow to me. You are honestly questioning continuing to see this guy. To me shill ow would be getting involved just for the perks. Much like young beautiful women with much older and unattractive men. 

He really does not diserver that right. Niether do you for that matter. You can not make yourself sexually attractive to someone it is there or it is not. There are a few men who are on TAM who apparently get married to arm candy. 

It seems to have turned out badly for them. The women cheated on them and reject them sexually. Don't do that. 

Find someone who has the full package so that you enjoy you time with him. Gifts get old after a while and I think you are right about the control. In essence he is buying you and he will demand his pound of flesh.

I don't think he cares about you, it is too soon. He may want just sex Under those cercumstancese he is not likely to be very nice once he has you under control and the gift will stop when you are brought. 

Take your dignity and self respect and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

LaxUF said:


> I'm attracted to his personality... not his looks or his money...
> 
> I've never dated outside of the "looks box" so I'm wondering if anyone else has and what their experience has been.
> 
> ...


I had another thought about this. If you're attracted to his personality, but not his looks or his money... isn't that basically just a friendship?

I just can't imagine finding fulfilling love without any physical attraction. Its the same when you find someone hot with zero personality (or worse, a sh*tty one). You only want them in bed and because they look good on your arm.

You really have to meet your personal minimum on both I think. My gut says if the guy was broke, he wouldn't have as much opportunity as he has. Its not necessarily shallow, wining and dining is easier with money and can amplify your experiences with us provided we don't start to look like we're throwing money around.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Like they say,"beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Only you know what floats your boat.I do so love to see a beautiful woman,but more often than not I've been attracted to women with some substance to them other than looks.As for the jerks you meet,well just maybe like the song says...you're looking for love in all the wrong places.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I would not date a guy who was insensitive to money issues.
What, you might say, I said he was wealthy, not that he had money issues. Well, the way he handles his money, is an issue.
He is making you feel borderline *****.
He has no clue what it's like to be in your shoes.
Empathy qualifications: FAIL.
How come you don't know him well enough to be able to tell him how you feel and to talk these things through...but he knows you well enough to be able to tell you how wealthy he is and to invite you on a vacation, presumably where he will hold the ticket in terms of you not having enough resources to bail on him, get your own room, tip security to watch your back, call your own cab, and book your own flight home. 
FAIL!

As for the other questions. Yes, if someone has a good personality you might find that over time, knowing him...you will develop feelings for him romantically. But you don't get that by working on it, by purpose, saying, wow I like this guy, I can't find anything wrong with him, so I will attempt to be attracted to him romantically. It just happens. It might even catch you by surprise, one day, when you are standing around, and blindside you. After you get over the shock, then you get to decide what to do about it, and by then, you would know the guy well enough to have a heart-to-heart about it and decide to explore further, or not.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You really don't seem shallow to me. You are honestly questioning continuing to see this guy. To me shill ow would be getting involved just for the perks. Much like young beautiful women with much older and unattractive men.
> 
> He really does not diserver that right. Niether do you for that matter. You can not make yourself sexually attractive to someone it is there or it is not. There are a few men who are on TAM who apparently get married to arm candy.
> 
> ...


Haha Catherine, you said "package".:rofl:
Your subliminal is showing.
I agree with your post, but I couldn't resist commenting.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

catherine602 said:


> find someone who has the full package so that you enjoy you time with him.
> *easier said than done in wealthy, married suburbia land... Slim pickins 'round these parts for single guys in the 28-40 bracket. *
> 
> gifts get old after a while and i think you are right about the control. In essence he is buying you and he will demand his pound of flesh.
> ...


*thank you!!! *


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

homemaker_numero_uno said:


> i would not date a guy who was insensitive to money issues.
> What, you might say, i said he was wealthy, not that he had money issues. Well, the way he handles his money, is an issue.
> He is making you feel borderline *****.
> He has no clue what it's like to be in your shoes.
> ...


*thank you!!!!!*


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I had another thought about this. If you're attracted to his personality, but not his looks or his money... isn't that basically just a friendship?
> 
> I just can't imagine finding fulfilling love without any physical attraction. *I'm trying to determine if it is possible to develop a secondary physical attraction instead of my standard primary.*
> 
> ...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I would be very careful about being alone with this guy until you know him a lot better. Did you meet through friends/acquaintances? Spend time getting to know him in the company of friends. What's his relationship and his business history? You can tell a lot about people by how they make their money.

I had a relationship with someone once. I asked him did he sometimes show one country's leader out the back door while keeping the guy's enemy in the foyer waiting for the next meeting. The answer was yes. Such a player. LOL. I let him marry someone else who was more suitable for this lifestyle/attitude. I think he has changed and is in a new line of business, or just switched to a lower-profile industry: logistics. ROFL. How fitting!


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Why not just say you want to take it slow and he can date other if he wants,because you are not sure where you stand on relationships,if he is still there if you change your mind then so be it,if not that's life. 

The thing that gets me is you keep dating the same kind of guys and you yourself say they are jerks and they do not workout,so why would you not want to date somebody completely different,why are you just repeating the same cycle.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I agree with dubbizle. Just be safe. I dated a guy sort of like this, once. That's the point of dating. You can see if he has qualities you don't like, such as being a control freak. You can also listen to what he tells you about his life and such, and decide for yourself if he is too much of a control freak for your tastes. Instead of trying to figure out if you will be compatible in the future, focus on the current conversation and interpersonal space...do you like it or is it an effort? How are you treated if you need to answer an urgent phone call or need the facilities, or say, have to turn in early from a date to get some sleep due to responsibilities the next day, etc.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

HNU Yea I know. No sense getting a man with no goodies, or with goodies not to your taste. ;8}
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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