# 9 Secrets of Happy Couples



## Deejo

The 9 Secrets of Happy Couples | Love + Sex - Yahoo! Shine


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## romantic_guy

Great article! It did not start that way, but over our 39+ years of marriage, we have grown as a couple to the point that our relationship encompasses all nine of these. And the sex is great too. Come to think of it, maybe the sex is good BECAUSE we have all nine. It would be interesting to learn of couples that have all nine of these in their relationship but do not connect sexually.


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## isla~mama

We have all nine, except for terms of endearment-- he uses them sometimes for me but I dropped off doing it a while ago-- but we're still sexless. 

I think humor is the best armor for life... wasn't there a study that showed the more a couple laughed, the more likely they were to stay together?


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## LovesHerMan

This is a good assessment of what makes a relationship work. I would, however, put #9 at the top. Taking marriage seriously means that you will do whatever it takes to work together as a team. You do not bail when things get tough, but you try to figure out what is required to keep your love alive. The only exception is if you are being abused, and your partner will not acknowledge this and change.


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## Coffee Amore

Interesting article

We do all of these especially the humor, taking the marriage seriously and fighting constructively.

I don't know if I agree with #4 staying connected to parents and siblings is secret of happy couples. While hubby and I get along with our relatives, I'm not sure that all happy couples need to. Some people have toxic relatives and you have to maintain a distance from them for your own sanity.

Where's the sex? It seems like you could have a completely sexless marriage by the way this article is written!


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## Accipiter777

9 out of 8.... parents are gone... so we good.


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## koolasma

yeah true and nice secrets..
i have all 9


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## Enchantment

> "Most couples think they should strive for a relationship that's 50-50," observes Dr. Perla, "but the fact is, they should each give 150 percent. In good relationships, couples give everything they can. They don't nickel-and-dime each other, and they respect that each person gives different things."


To me, this is the essence of a good marriage.


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## that_girl

Wow!! During our separation we learned the importance of all 9 of these things and do them naturally now.

I call him "bebe" all the time. He calls me "lovie" or "baby" at least once a day. He calls me "wifey" to his friends lol. "Oh, I'm just hangin' here with my wifey." I like it.


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## Thewife

We are excellent in 1,2,3,5,8 and 9, can do better in 4 and 7
nice article


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## daisygirl 41

My H and I are rediscovering a lot of these points.
For those of you who know my story, we have had the year from hell and we are currently in R and are doing well.
My Hs A and MLC fog has truly lifted. One of the reasons I know this is because his sense of humour has returned. He is such a funny man and we always had fun together and he always made me laugh. Now he makes me laugh again. And it's wonderful. We can even laugh at some of the stupid things he said and did during his MLC/A and it is really helping us with out R. I'm not too good at laughing at myself but we have had a few good giggles and teasing at his expense!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC

LOL, Carol and I are both "bunny". I think some of our friends believe we are sick in the head. I certainly agree with the part enchantment quoted. I don't find much value in looking for fairness. I'm way too busy looking for ways to get from 150% to 151%. And then who knows, maybe there'll be an opportunity for 152%?

Fairness becomes a moot point when everyone is wallowing in riches.


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## omega

we do all 9, but we're only married 2 years so far. I don't know how well we'll be doing in 20 years hehe. 

actually we don't stay too connected to our parents - his, yes, very much so, we see them every week. not mine. we live across the world from them and I don't talk to them practically ever. But I email with my mom from time to time.


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## The Lurker

Wonderful article! thanks for posting!


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## galian84

Great article  Will be sure to keep these in mind as our relationship progresses, but I think we're off to a good start!

Funny, as I read through the article I realized that my ex and I had none of those qualities. And I actually thought our relationship was going to last...thank God I ended it.


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## relationships

Great article. No. 9 seems most important for me. 

"They take "for better or for worse" seriously"


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## supermommy123

Very nice article.Thanks for sharing the link.


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## FirstYearDown

I am proud to say that although we have only been married for two years and together for five, we do all of the things listed in the article. We had to learn to fight constructively, which was a challenge because I have a bad temper. Therapy helped me learn to express anger in a less damaging manner. We remind each other not to yell and we hug to end arguments.

I am very glad that we had difficult issues to contend with while we were engaged. It was an amazing test. We have successfully weathered unemployment, controlling in-laws, handling reactions to childfreedom, financial depression, pet loss and racism. It is truly us against the world and when we are struggling, we just lean on each other. We never call our parents when we have problems, because we are a private couple. His parents live many hours away and we see my parents twice a month. My mother is the typical meddling MIL and she complains that I don't tell her things. We like it that way. 

My husband calls me "Schmengie" or "Lil Momma." I call him "Baby" or "Sexy."


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## jameskimp

Love it!


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## oakhillady

We have 8 of these I think, but I'm not sure that we should get married...


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

Great article, but it only works if both do it. My wife got addicted to a video game and gradually withdrew away from doing anything with anyone but her fellow gamers.


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## belljason92

Nice article! This will defiantly help all couples, thanks for posting it.


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## jenniferswe

this is good.

1. terms of endearment. We use those.

2. we used to do stuff together. that's part of our problem now.

3. when the going gets tough, you don't call mom or dad. His parents have passed away. My mom passed away. My dad is pretty busy and he already has a full plate so I don't want to add to it.

4. stay connected with parents. see above. We do stuff with my dad.

5. don't nickle-and-dime about chores. we don't do that. He works full time and I'm a housewife.

6. fight constructively. we rarely fight.

7. they give each other gifts. we do that.

8. never lose their sense of humor. I don't think I've lost mine. I don't know about him.

9. they take "for better or for worse" seriously. We seem to be doing that.


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## heartsbeating

_I've posted the content of the article below as the link is hit and miss sometimes._


*1. They use terms of endearment*

Sure, you may find it cloyingly sweet when you overhear other couples talking like 2-year-olds, but endearments are actually a sign of a healthy rapport.

"Pet names take you back either to the happy childhood you had or the one you wish you had," says Manhattan-based family therapist Carolyn Perla, Ph.D. "They signal a safe, supportive environment." Also, these days, when we're stretched to the limit trying to juggle jobs and kids, "pet names give us the chance to let down our guard, to be vulnerable and childlike. And they make us feel close to one another."

These same feelings of intimacy can also come from using a special tone of voice with each other, sharing silly "inside jokes," or pet-naming your spouse's intimate body parts. The point is to connect with some private message system that's meaningful to you alone, as a couple -- not to the outside world. "This type of playfulness is a statement that you're feeling comfortable with each other and with the relationship," says Dr. Perla.

*2. They do stuff together*

When that pheromone-crazy feeling of falling in love passes and happy couples no longer spend all day in bed, they look outward. They start businesses, refinish the attic or take up cooking together.

Of all the variables in a relationship -- from commitment to communication -- the amount of fun couples have together is the strongest factor in determining their overall marital happiness, according to a landmark study by Howard Markman, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. Time spent playing together, says Dr. Markman, is an "investment in the relationship"; it provides a relaxed intimacy that strengthens the bond between two people. So even if your life is impossibly frantic, make the time for play. And do all you can to eliminate distractions. Leave the kids with a sitter, ditch the beeper and cell phone. The activity doesn't have to be anything elaborate or costly. Exercising together, browsing in antiques stores, or renting a classic movie can help bring the two of you closer.

*3. When the going gets tough, they don't call Mom or Dad*

The first task facing all young couples is separating from their families of origin, points out San Francisco-area-based family researcher Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D. This doesn't mean you shouldn't go home for the holidays. But if there's a crisis over whether to have a second child or relocate for a new job, or even if there's good news about a big raise or the results of a medical test, the couple should talk about it together first before dialing Mom. "You wouldn't believe how many people who are getting divorced say to me, 'She was never mine,' or 'His mother always came first,'" Dr. Wallerstein observes.
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4. They stay connected to their parents*

This doesn't contradict No. 3: You can talk with your mom every day and still be clear about where your attachment to her ends and your love for your mate begins.

"Staying connected to parents, siblings, cousins and the like can be excellent for a marriage because it gives a sense of family continuity," says Dr. Greer. "It generates positive feelings, especially when you incorporate your spouse into that family. You're sharing that part of you with each other."

*5. They don't nickel-and-dime about chores*

It's no secret that most wives continue to do more in the housekeeping and child-rearing departments than their husbands. Still, when partners become double-entry bookkeepers, adding up every dish washed and every diaper changed, they may be headed for trouble.

"Most couples think they should strive for a relationship that's 50-50," observes Dr. Perla, "but the fact is, they should each give 150 percent. In good relationships, couples give everything they can. They don't nickel-and-dime each other, and they respect that each person gives different things." 

*6. They fight constructively*

There's fighting and then there's fighting. When couples start yelling and throwing things, when they dredge up every single complaint they've ever had (or "kitchen-sinking," as marital experts typically call it), you can be sure that they won't be celebrating their silver anniversary together. "Studies show that the way couples handle conflict is the most important factor in determining whether or not they stay together," observes Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont.

"Happy couples have learned the art of constructive arguing," says Dr. Markman, whose research has demonstrated that it's possible to predict whether or not a couple will divorce after watching them argue for 10 or 15 minutes. In strong marriages, he says, the partners take control of their disagreements by establishing ground rules. They may, for example, call a mutually agreed-upon time-out if the conflict is escalating and unproductive, agreeing to continue the discussion after a cooling-off period. They also truly listen to each other and won't prematurely try to solve the problem before they've heard each other out. Above all, no matter how angry they get, they don't resort to name-calling and insults -- key danger signs, says Dr. Markman.

*7. They give each other gifts*

Couples who are deeply connected often give each other presents or write little notes, says Thomas Moore, Ph.D., best-selling author of Care of the Soul. What they're doing is preserving the rituals, and the magic, of their courtship.

The gift should carry no strings. Sarah sometimes comes home from work to find that her husband has prepared a candlelight dinner. "But it's not set up to be a prelude to sex," Sarah says laughingly. "John does it because he wants me to feel loved." 
*
8. They never lose their sense of humor*

Humor, as many psychotherapists have observed, is the Krazy Glue that keeps a couple together. When a couple can no longer laugh together, Dr. Moore says, it's a signal that the soul has gone out of their marriage and they are headed for trouble.

But Dr. Moore is quick to point out that lighthearted couples never mock each other. They instinctively know what is -- and isn't -- fair game. "Sam would never dream of making fun of my big butt," notes Catherine.
*
9. They take "for better or for worse" seriously*

Contented couples encounter their share of life's miseries -- whether it's the car breaking down, a nasty cold or a missed promotion -- but they help each other get through. You don't, for example, hear them say, "How could you let that happen?" when a spouse loses a job. "Couples who do well together tend not to do anything that increases their partner's suffering, like become resentful or criticize," notes Dr. Young-Eisendrath. In good marriages, people feel safe from the outside world. Each spouse, stresses Dr. Greer, has the feeling, "I can count on you, our world is all right."


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