# Admitting to yourself it's over



## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

When the person you love, gave your heart to, lived a life with, had children with, had dreams for the future with, moves their focus onto someone else, be it EA or PA... It's OVER.
Period.
No relationship can have a third person in it.
It's F*****g painful, probably even the worst pain you have ever experienced.
But honestly...Forget the excuses and long drawn out separations and returns and phone calls and stuff. Almost killing yourself and destroying yourself as a person in trying to make it work, planning, hoping and scheming to turn things around and then it will all be OK.
No good.
There is no going back, although we all would love things to be the way they were, back in the sunny, carefree past.
But let's face it people. It NEVER can be or WILL be ever the same again.
When the trust has gone there is no rebuild from that.
Ever.
I think Bandit.45 and Out Of The Blue sussed that out in the first few weeks and hence their better readjustment than most of us who drag the pain out over months and even years sometimes.
Taken me a year to get here myself.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

As hard as this is to read, you're so right. I've spent the last 12 months of our separation praying, bargaining, pleading with God to please change my husbands heart and make him see that the decision he has made is the wrong one. When in reality I know that it would never be ok with us again. There was no PA that I know of, but the break in trust that occured by him engaging with other women online is something that I don't think can ever be rebuilt. Sadly, I'm only just now, at the very tip of the iceberg in terms if accepting the fate of this marriage. I'm just now starting IC, which I'm hoping will help to speed up the healing process. I'm tired of tears, the sickness in my stomach and general feeling of uneasiness all the time. I'm tired of sitting on my closet floor bawling. I'm ready for this all to end.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Your heart will tell you when it's time.

Follow it.

Good Luck !!


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I am just about there myself and wish the best for everyone -

"you can't embrace your destiny when you are holding onto your history"


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I am almost 4 months since the bomb was dropped. She is with someone else now which was the gamechanger. Even if she decided she wanted to reconcile, I would not have her back knowing she has been f**king someone else. A couple of months ago I was a grieving mess and still would have taken her back regardless. I think I have become a stronger person since then. If we did not have a child together I would cut her out of my life forever.

Maybe I will be hit with more grief later on, who knows? But the only thing I feel now is bitterness - which is something else I need to let go of before I move on to the final steps of recovery. I know you cannot timetable these sorts of things but I really hope I am over it all by the 12 month mark.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

Nearly nine months and nothing has changed. Nothing. Countless hours of therapy, of soul searching and honest self-appraisal, stacks of journals and dates with other women, contemplation, meditation, medication, advice, consolations and admonitions... I'm still there, caught in the moment when she broke my heart, a ship without a mast. I've trained my spyglass on the horizon and there is no sign of land, no matter how much I polish the lens.

Revel in the progress you make, however small. Be proud of your tenacity and the forward steps you take and have taken, however labored. Healing is not a forgone conclusion, and you are strong enough to succeed where others will fail.


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

Hey Mainstreet, I'm by no means over this myself. Just the reality of the situation kicking in.
If they say where there is life there is hope, then in the separation/divorce situation it should be where there is hope there is pain.
How long were you married?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i think when your ex moves on and is in a relationship (or has cheated) it makes things a little easier because there is that much less hope. i WISH chad would date somebody so i could totally close the door, be angry (so you can't try to fix our relationship, but you can put your energy into a new one?) my R door isn't wide open, but i still have that tiney glimmer of "someday" hope which makes it hard to consider dating or totally healing.


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

> but i still have that tiney glimmer of "someday" hope which makes it hard to consider dating or totally healing.


Lulubelle,

I think it's that tiniest bit of hope that causes the maxiumum, most prolonged pain to yourself.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

Darrien said:


> Lulubelle,
> 
> I think it's that tiniest bit of hope that causes the maxiumum, most prolonged pain to yourself.


i know, and it makes me angry that it's still there, but i'm not even a whole 3 months out yet. i feel like every day it gets a little smaller. it's hard when i've had no closure to completely close that R door. the last things he said to me before he took off was that he loved me and wanted to work things out, but was afraid things would just end up the same. the next week when i was out of town he moved his stuff out and has gone totally dark. not even a dear john post it.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I think I know it's over, I don't miss her as much anymore. No clue if there is anyone else but I don't doubt it.

The financial fallout and situation with the kids is what's stopping me from fully moving on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

18 months and I'm still holding onto hope....it's slowly fading though as I grow stronger. I keep trying to work on myself and when I'm done I figured I will have made myself the best I can be to share with someone who wants me. Letting Go of 22 years together is the hardest thing I've ever had to face and I've faced quite a bit.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

I am barely a month in and have already decided to accept the cards that have been dealt and deal with it. I will live in the present, not dwell on the past and let the future shine as bright or be as dark as it will. In the end I will have grown as a person with a better understanding of myself.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

aandksdad said:


> I am barely a month in and have already decided to accept the cards that have been dealt and deal with it. I will live in the present, not dwell on the past and let the future shine as bright or be as dark as it will. In the end I will have grown as a person with a better understanding of myself.


Love what you said here!

"The past is gone, the future is not here - I am free of both"

The present is all we have - lots of love to all of you. Be strong.


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## Rima (Jul 15, 2012)

Well, I left him this morning, quietly. I took myself and my daughter to mom's house, and as the hours went by, I am actually feeling better and better, and the incessant thought in my brain is: I wish I could have done this sooner. Which is a great sign of healing already taking place.

I am free.

I got scared for a moment, and emailed a very good friend just telling him "I am scared". That helped me keep my ground.

I almost wanted to pick up the phone and patch things up again, but it would have been only because I am fearing that I will not be able to live in mom's house for a while, until I find an apartment, which is difficult in my country for women.

But having a good friend there for you, it helps, a lot, even if just to tell them you are scared. That was enough for me.

I am not remorseful, I tried it all, all of it, to the best of my ability.

I am in my mid thirties, and I sincerely hope to get a break from it all first, and hopefully at some point, a second chance at love, with someone who is....a mature human being


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Rima said:


> Well, I left him this morning, quietly. I took myself and my daughter to mom's house, and as the hours went by, I am actually feeling better and better, and the incessant thought in my brain is: I wish I could have done this sooner. Which is a great sign of healing already taking place.
> 
> I am free.
> 
> ...


Lots of love your way.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

You are right. I'm 2 years and 9 months into R and everyday still hurts like d day. The trust will never been the same. The bond will never be the same.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Nothing productive to say... Just understanding where you've been and where you are going... Where I will be going. Again. Someday soon...

Many hugs to you all! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rima (Jul 15, 2012)

Thank you Emma1981. So sweet of you.


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

> MainStreetExile: great writing skills; sorry off topic, but couldn't resist commenting! You should be a writer! Maybe you are one already.


I agree Rima, MainStreet expresses himself a lot like like Leonard Cohen actually.

Come on MainStreet. Tell us a bit more of your story.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

how are you today darrien??


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

Much like yourself OVS, some OK days then suddenly a bad day brought on by a memory trigger. The transit from false hope to acceptance doesn't bring any relief from the overwhelming sadness of the whole situation. It just makes for a clearer mindset to make more sense of things.
You can't mould another person's character to your own liking.
In fact I would go so far as to say that if a couple should find themselves even discussing their relationship then it's basically over.
When marriage works both parties just enjoy life together while working for a common purpose like in raising their kids and dealing with the challenges life throws at us. The love and trust just hums away in the background at the core of the relationship.
When faith and trust breaks down or becomes questionable then that essential teamwork contract becomes unworkable IMO.


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