# Wondering...



## brysmommy (Jun 30, 2010)

Hello all,

I am married to a sexual addict. He has cheated on me numerous times, many of whcih I found out while going to counseling last year. This past September, I discovered my husband was having an affair with someone who I considered an acquaintance. Even though they both maintain they never had intercourse, they met, made out, and talked about leaving the spouses and being together. Once confronted with the reality, she chose to stay with her husband (they have 4 kids) and my husband chose to stay with me (we have 2 children). We started counseling which lasted from October to January. Early February, I discovered via text message that they had been in contact since October. They would meet for short minutes here and there and text and talk. I was devastated. I asked him to leave. He left the home and went to live with his family out of the state we live in. Fast forward to May - he called me and told me that SHE had tried to contact him via Facebook. He sent the messages to me to send to her husband to let her know she was up to contacting him again. Three weeks later, he calls to ask if he can come home. Since he left, we had been back and forth about him coming home. I just find it odd that he "suddenly" decided that he wanted to come home, basically not mentioning all the obstacles we had discussed earlier about him being here with me and the children. 

I am confused. He is here with us now, but things are definitely awkward. I certainly don't expect things to be anywhere close to normal, but I really wonder if he is back for me or for HER. 

He maintains that he wants nothing to do with her and he came back for us, but my trust is totally gone in the man. 

Any thoughts?

Thanks!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Ever gone over the Emotional Needs and Love Bustersquestionnaires with him? How about doing the Love Kindlers and Extinguishersquizzes. 

You don't really give a clue as to why he would be considered a 'sex addict' - by definition that's a fairly rare thing. When you were in counseling, did you get to any root reasons for the affairs?

Trust is something 'earned' - actually, it's a decision you make over time in which you determine to believe the things he says. People trust all the time - you most likely trust him to be unfaithful. What you most likely really want is for him to be faithful. You want your trust to be aimed in a more positive direction. He'll have to remain faithful for you to determine that he has changed.

In most cases, affairs are a symptom of unaddressed troubles in the marriage. Check out the books 'Surviving An Affair,' and 'His Needs and Her Needs' and also this article. 

Normally I'd suggest three conditions to him 'coming back home':
1) Writing up a No Contact letter to the Other Woman - which YOU read _and mail_.
2) Complete openness and transparency: you get complete access to all his passwords, email accounts, phone records, chat programs, social website logins, etc.
3) A commitment to working on the marriage.​
Welcome to the forum. Feel free to ask any question, and vent any time.

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Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - All Along The Watchtower
via FoxyTunes


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## brysmommy (Jun 30, 2010)

Thank you for the additional information. We had been seeing a Christian counselor through our church last year and we even went through an 8 week Sunday school course about building a strong marriage. We cried together when we took the relationship needs quizzes and learned how full of junk each other's "cup" was. I've definitely seen the information you sent links to. I guess I'm asking - what is the point now? He lied and cried his way through those very helpful counseling sessions and Sunday school classes. Now what? Where do I go for help now? 

While we were separated, he also slept with 4 women, even though I asked him several times while we were apart had he had sexual relations with any other women. He had previously denied it, but came "clean" when he came home this past week. I slept with 2 men while he was gone, I have told him this information as well. I also told him they were distractions from the pain I was feeling when he left - my self esteem was totally destroyed. 

I believe he is a sexual addict because of the 12 affairs he's had since we've known each other - 11 years and the fact that he masturbates to porn. He also is a consummate liar and manipulator although that certainly doesn't make him a sex addict, just a damn good liar. 

I find myself feeling sorry for him because of his claims of early physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. However, I am not sure what to believe here either because of his lies. 

Writing here helps me clear my head and thoughts. Thanks for reading!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Now what? Where do I go for help now?


That depends if you are both actually willing to work on your marriage. It sounds to me like neither of you are particularly aware of the importance of commitment - or how seriously God takes the promises you make. That might be a good starting place: when you make a vow, God expects you to live by it - a great verse from Deuteronomy expresses that so clearly:

"...Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth..." (Deuteronomy 23:23.) 

Also, 

"...When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said..." (Numbers 30:2)

This is not to bash you over the head with Bible proofs - I refuse to do that, ever. What I am doing, however, is pointing out that if you make the claim that you are a Christian, then you _should_ by nature be trying to do all you know that you can to please God - and He says: "..Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him..." (John 14:21)

In essence, as a Christian, you _start_ from your vow, and work outwards toward showing love to your husband. In fact, Christians are _supposed_ to love everyone - which means that you are to do everything you can for the good of others.

Breaking an oath cancels the oath. In essence this means that your marriage is at a starting point right now - the old one is gone (you both sort of ended that.) So, you have the opportunity for both of you to make a new start.

I'd suggest that the very first thing you do is learn what it means to be committed to a vow. I'd like to point out that EVERYONE is committed to them self - the self is the central focal point of all we do - but that is also why things like your sleeping with 2 men while your husband was out of the house happened: your commitment to yourself overruled your commitment to be faithful. 

Note - I'm not excusing your husband - he needs to learn this stuff as well. And that is where you need to really find out if he wants to work on this marriage or not. If so - it will take some serious thinking about his actions: he has betrayed his vows to you from the start (if they meant anything at all.) 

Again: 3 things to which he should commit:

1) No contact
2) Complete transparency
3) Commitment to work on the marriage.

Number three means much more than just going to a class or two. It means actually applying what he learns. Introduce him to The Love Dare.


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## brysmommy (Jun 30, 2010)

Thank you for the advice - this is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to face. I did print the LoveBusters quiz today and I'll see how that goes this evening. 

But, you are right, the word commitment means very little to either one of us as shown through our actions. And vows - well, we broke those as well with little thought of the consequences. 

It also doesn't help when his mother tells him that he will fail again and my parents absolutely detest him and do not want to be around him ever again. I fear for the disconnect with them as I am an only child and have always been very close with them. They have been my support system all these years through this failing marriage. I very much feel like I am being told to chose them or him.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

If he is willing to work on the marriage, and you are willing to work on the marriage, and both of you are willing to commit to it, then it can work. It won't be easy, but it is possible. You have a strong ally (with God all things are possible.) 

It takes deliberate work, by both spouses. One spouse cannot fix a marriage. At the very most, they can only fix the troubles they are causing. That is vital! But it takes both of you willing to do the work necessary to create a healthy marriage. 

As for the parents interfering; that too will take some work. When you marry, your allegiance should move from your parents to your husband (See Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:6-8) You form a new family, and sometimes it does create some stress with your old one. 

The trouble between your husband and his mother is most likely one very important issue that he will have to face. She is telling him he will fail - so he obeys! There are times when one must make a decision between what is spoken and what is right - any advice given him should be judged by Biblical standards: does God think it is right to fail - to be unfaithful? No, of course not. Hence, his job is to begin to choose the right thing as opposed to both what is easy and that to which he is accustomed:

"...I can do everything through him who gives me strength..." (Phil 4:13)​
Doing the right thing is possible. No one is trapped into doing the wrong thing 'because they have no choice...'

Your homework (should you choose to accept it) is to read Matthew 18:19 - 35... just to get a little info...

"...Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them..."​
There are two of you in this marriage, right? Agree to work on it together, and let us help you get it there.

There is hope!

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Now playing: Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys - If He's Movin' In
via FoxyTunes


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