# He moved back in but I'm not completely happy...



## Feelingsadnlonely

Shy of just a year, H moved back in after separating. He was the one that wanted to move back in with me and our daughter. The thing is, I'm not so happy that he's back. During the entire separation, I never ONCE begged him to come home even though I really wanted him to. Well, at the beginning of the separation is when I wanted him back. As the months went on, I got used to living on my own with my baby. 

Now I have to worry about making dinner, telling someone else where I'm going or what I'm doing, being asked to have sex again and so on. Ugggg, I think I enjoyed being alone with my daughter. We've been getting along better than before and we both have changed for the better. At times I feel like I accepted him back because of our daughter. So she can have her daddy at home. 

I don't know if this was the right thing to do. For months I wanted him back, and now that he is, well...not so much! Just feel confused. Not sure if I'm in love with him anymore? Or maybe I'm just still resenting him for leaving us when I needed him the most? It's hard to get over something traumatic like that. Maybe what I need is time? This is what every spouse that's left behind wants but then why do I feel this way???!!!!


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## Orange_Pekoe

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> Shy of just a year, H moved back in after separating. He was the one that wanted to move back in with me and our daughter. The thing is, I'm not so happy that he's back. During the entire separation, I never ONCE begged him to come home even though I really wanted him to. Well, at the beginning of the separation is when I wanted him back. As the months went on, I got used to living on my own with my baby.
> 
> Now I have to worry about making dinner, telling someone else where I'm going or what I'm doing, being asked to have sex again and so on. Ugggg, I think I enjoyed being alone with my daughter. We've been getting along better than before and we both have changed for the better. At times I feel like I accepted him back because of our daughter. So she can have her daddy at home.
> 
> I don't know if this was the right thing to do. For months I wanted him back, and now that he is, well...not so much! Just feel confused. Not sure if I'm in love with him anymore? Or maybe I'm just still resenting him for leaving us when I needed him the most? It's hard to get over something traumatic like that. Maybe what I need is time? This is what every spouse that's left behind wants but then why do I feel this way???!!!!


I'm also separated (6 months) from my husband, and am about to move in to my own condo with my 2 year old daughter. 

I'm afraid that if we ever do reconcile down the road (slim chance, but a chance nonetheless), I will feel exactly the way you do. Feel resentment that he did nothing during many months for us to be together. Unhappy about the restricted freedom I would have. Unhappy that I'd have to schedule things around his mom and siblings (whom I EXTREMELY dislike). And we'd probably argue and fight a lot because he hasn't changed.

They say that once you experience living on your own, it's hard to adjust to living together again. Because of the freedom and not having to answer to anyone.

I don't know - just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way.


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## cdbaker

Good thoughts FeelingSadandLonely. I think this would be the ideal time to start either Marriage counseling or independent counseling for yourself, or both.

What you are missing here are the love/respect/romantic benefits of your marriage. With any marriage (or cohabiting relationship) there are the annoyances that you describe. Extra laundry/cooking/cleaning, greater accountability, potential sexual needs mismatches, less privacy, etc. In a good relationship, the benefits gained from the arrangement is supposed to provide a benefit that is substantial enough to cancel out the annoyances, and then some.

So as long as there isn't any obvious red flags going on here (abuse, cheating, addiction, etc.), then I think counseling could definitely help you process through these feelings. It sounds like you might be struggling with forgiveness, certainly a lack of trust, etc.


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## BurningHeart

I think most of the time when you can do fine on your own during a separation, then you no longer need the marriage. Since you are having feelings about marriage now being all about "rules"- "I have to let him know where I'm at", "have sex with him" etc., means that you have adapted and moved on.


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## Stretch

Hi,

Been at it, R, for 9 months. My WAW has deep feelings of mistrust, anger, bitterness, betrayal and everything is a trigger. I just try to be supportive of her healing hoping the hurt will go away or subside enough for it not to be an obstacle.

If you want it, you will stick it out like I am. If you don't, I suspect you will reach a point where you just say, this is not what I want anymore and move on.

Here's a cliche nobody wants to hear anymore, this is flat out hard work. Harder than working on your marriage without separation et al.

Good luck girlfriend,
Stretch


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## grushim1239

I let my husband move back in after 4 months of separation. I did it because I was lonely. Now, 4 months into reconciliation, I am miserable once again. I asked him to leave again this past weekend and he threatened to commit suicide. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not happy!


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## GusPolinski

Stretch said:


> Hi,
> 
> Been at it, R, for 9 months. *My WAW has deep feelings of mistrust, anger, bitterness, betrayal and everything is a trigger.* I just try to be supportive of her healing hoping the hurt will go away or subside enough for it not to be an obstacle.
> 
> If you want it, you will stick it out like I am. If you don't, I suspect you will reach a point where you just say, this is not what I want anymore and move on.
> 
> Here's a cliche nobody wants to hear anymore, this is flat out hard work. Harder than working on your marriage without separation et al.
> 
> Good luck girlfriend,
> Stretch


Why? She left, right? And there was no infidelity involved... from either of you?


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## Stretch

GusPolinski said:


> Why? She left, right? And there was no infidelity involved... from either of you?


Sorry, I did not notice your question.

We both were with other people while we were separated but there was no infidelity during our marriage. The lesson there is set very strict ground rules, which we did not.

All she thinks about is me with the other chick and what makes her even more upset is that I have not similar feelings about her relationship.

Frost the whole thing with her going through menopause and everything is so tense all the time it is like a volano that occaisionally let's off steam and lava then builds up for another release.

I am just trying to be steady but I really need to be more aware and responsive to her needs. This has been harder than it should be for me. Keep trying is all I can do.

Feeling Strong and Empowered, can you believe we are both doing this after we had moved on. Life is crazy!

Regards,
Stretch


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