# I can't do it.



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I know that a lot of posters will disagree with me. I know that I'm setting myself up for a long, hard, struggle, but I just can't divorce my wife. I have been thinking long and hard ever since her attempt, and have weighed all of the pro's and con's, and one thing has stared me in the face, even though I've tried to deny it. She has nobody else. Her family is crap, her friends are our friends, and the only people she cares about are our kids, my family and me. I know that she cheated, I know that. But I have known her and loved her for 18 years, and I KNOW that this isn't the kind of person she wants to be. And with help, I know that she can overcome this and emerge a stronger, better person. But not without my help, my full, complete support. I also know that I could just walk away, but what does that mean? That I have as little regard for my wedding vows, as she did. I swore to love, honor and cherish, IN SICKNESS and in health. Well, my wife is sick, what do I do? I take care of her, to the best of my ability, and to the end, be it bitter or sweet. I know, I'm a fool, but I can live with being thought foolish, If I can make my wife well again.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Badblood said:


> I know that a lot of posters will disagree with me. I know that I'm setting myself up for a long, hard, struggle, but I just can't divorce my wife. I have been thinking long and hard ever since her attempt, and have weighed all of the pro's and con's, and one thing has stared me in the face, even though I've tried to deny it. She has nobody else. Her family is crap, her friends are our friends, and the only people she cares about are our kids, my family and me. I know that she cheated, I know that. But I have known her and loved her for 18 years, and I KNOW that this isn't the kind of person she wants to be. And with help, I know that she can overcome this and emerge a stronger, better person. But not without my help, my full, complete support. I also know that I could just walk away, but what does that mean? That I have as little regard for my wedding vows, as she did. I swore to love, honor and cherish, IN SICKNESS and in health. Well, my wife is sick, what do I do? I take care of her, to the best of my ability, and to the end, be it bitter or sweet. I know, I'm a fool, but I can live with being thought foolish, If I can make my wife well again.


You must do what is best for you and your wife, no one knows your situation better than you do. It is your dicision to make. I am a fool too I guess,but that is no one's problem but mine. Good luck to you and your wife.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I still think your reaction to her last contact with the OM was a bit too harsh. I support your decision.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I have monitored your posts from the beginning I am not surprised , you made some decisions far to quickly without stepping back and thinking.

I suggest you stop saying things like your wife is sick etc. as it subconsciously gives you a reason and excuse for R. Any R is because you want to R and not out of sympathy. However while the affair is wholly your wife's issue the marriage issues are half of yours. Read your first set of postings , I assume the words are not reflective of how you normally behave at home.

I think this is the correct decision, tread gently, work on yourself, choose a MC or IC who is pro marriage and has a track record of helping marriages recover . Read lots and select the process that works for you, help your wife choose a process that works for her. Your wife has to feel secure with you and not fear saying things that will be hurtful to you.

A link below to help start you

Love Busters Questionnaire

Best wishes to you and your wife 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. All that matters is what you think and what you want to do.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I too have chosen to stay with my ws. Only you can know what is best for you and your family. I wish you all the luck in the world x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm a spouse that has cheated. Just to make that clear up front...

My concern for what you've said is that it seems like you feel that you and only you can "fix" your wife. Have you ever read up on co-dependent relationships? 

Don't get me wrong, either. I respect your decision to take the likely more difficult path to reconcile instead of divorce. But you can't take the entire weight of your issues, her issues, and the marriage issues all on your shoulders alone. You have a strong possibility of being crushed. And who will be your support when that happens?

Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'm a spouse that has cheated. Just to make that clear up front...
> 
> My concern for what you've said is that it seems like you feel that you and only you can "fix" your wife. Have you ever read up on co-dependent relationships?
> 
> ...


+1


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Badblood said:


> I know that I'm setting myself up for a long, hard, struggle, but I just can't divorce my wife.


Yes you are, it's a long, difficult road. You're on yet another loop of the emotional roller coaster. Don't be surprised if your feelings change again in the future. Only a third of marriages survive infidelity, and of that 1/3, even less are actually happy again. So you know, the odds are already against you. I certainly wish you well and hope you can beat the odds.

You've been here long enough to know what you and her are going to have to do to make R work. Good luck. Remember, 2-5 years. Hopefully, your will be one of the success stories, because there's been so many ones that come here who's marriages are so beyond repair.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Badblood,
To be honest, it isn't really surprising that you are really wrestling with this decision. Looking at your replies, it looked more like you were trying to convince yourself that divorce was justified, just as much as the people the posts were aimed at. Please don't take this as an insult. The only point is that it really takes time to work these things out. Your wife's life is a long journey. Its one thing when she starts moving away from you, and betraying you by cheating, but its another when she has fallen into a dark place. The rules change. She needs you. For now, its okay to satisfy yourself with just that. After a while, she'll be plugged in to life again, and you'll be able to re-assess the situation, if need be. You are, above all, a noble man just by your willingness to care for her so far.

A suicide attempt with a man's wife changes him. You hear all the common repeated phrases about how it is a call for help, or a ploy to win your continued love, but that doesn't even touch the deep down change in you. The ability to put right and wrong for you on a shelf, roll up your sleeves, and just be what your wife needs makes you into a new person, I believe. I had often wondered if infidelity did the same thing to men and women, but now you are dealing with two traumas. Don't be so hard on yourself, okay? Let yourself evolve with time without feeling like it somehow makes you less capable of holding on to your resolve.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I support your decision!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Thank you all. Right now, she is my wife, and I am responsible to her and for her, as my wedding vows state. She needs me now more than at any time before, because I will probably be the only one who will do the work , to mend her. I went and talked to her today and told her of my decision, and she sobbed for a hour, and told me that I am the only man she has ever loved or ever will love, and that what she said about the reason she talked to the OM is true . I told her that none of that mattered right now, that we can deal with those problems , in their turn. I told her about my plan, and she agreed without an instant's hesitation. I am going to take her to DC to a psychiatrist that was recommended to me, by the hospital doctor. He is a specialist in childhood abuse issues in adults. WE are leaving her toxic family, and they will only be allowed limited contact with her, under my supervision. I am her guardian, so I set the rules. Surprisingly, this was her mom's idea, but she wasn't thinking about her daughter, as much as she was worrying that somebody would find out, and it would reflect on her. After she is well, then we can decide about whether we R or not. If, at that time, I or she are unable to R, then I can walk away with the knowledge that I did my duty to my wife, and upheld my marriage vows to the end. When I joined the Corps, I took a vow to be a faithful Marine. My vow to this woman is no less sacred to me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Only you know that's best for you.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Thank you all. Right now, she is my wife, and I am responsible to her and for her, as my wedding vows state. She needs me now more than at any time before, because I will probably be the only one who will do the work , to mend her. I went and talked to her today and told her of my decision, and she sobbed for a hour, and told me that I am the only man she has ever loved or ever will love, and that what she said about the reason she talked to the OM is true . I told her that none of that mattered right now, that we can deal with those problems , in their turn. I told her about my plan, and she agreed without an instant's hesitation. I am going to take her to DC to a psychiatrist that was recommended to me, by the hospital doctor. He is a specialist in childhood abuse issues in adults. WE are leaving her toxic family, and they will only be allowed limited contact with her, under my supervision. I am her guardian, so I set the rules. Surprisingly, this was her mom's idea, but she wasn't thinking about her daughter, as much as she was worrying that somebody would find out, and it would reflect on her. After she is well, then we can decide about whether we R or not. If, at that time, I or she are unable to R, then I can walk away with the knowledge that I did my duty to my wife, and upheld my marriage vows to the end. When I joined the Corps, I took a vow to be a faithful Marine. My vow to this woman is no less sacred to me.


Wow, I wish I could shake your hand right now. I think you are making the right decision. :smthumbup:


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Actually, I feel better tonight than I have for quite some time. I took her in my arms, while she cried, and all I could think of is how RELIEVED I felt. I mean look, I don't know if I can forgive her or not, I don't know if I even want to try, but what I DO know is that I would never forgive myself, if I abandoned her to the "care", of her family, to be hidden away, alone, and frightened, an embarassment to her family. When it's their fault she is the way she is. She did not choose to be beaten, reviled, and controlled. And how terrible is it that she could never get help, because her family (mom and dad, especially) told her to hide her feelings, that an appearance of happiness, is better than true healing. That prayer would heal her, and she should just forget the abuse, after all it was long ago. the doctor told me that it is a wonder that she didn"t have a breakdown way before this. The shame. remorse , embarrassment, and self-loathing from the affair, coupled with my divorce decision finally drove her to do what she did. I asked her why, and she said that she felt so vile, for hurting the only man she loved, that she didn't deserve to live. Imagine feeling that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As long as you feel good about what you are doing it's the right decision. I've seen many marriages repaired after infidelity. With a husband who cares the way you do it's very likely that the two of you will be among the survivors.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I personally believe that the moment a spouse cheats, the marriage vows become null and void and you are no longer bound to them, meaning you are free to divorce and begin a new life. But, I do admire you for wanting to stand up and work on your marriage. I fully support you on that. Good luck and I hope someday to read your wonderful reconciliation story.


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## bangun (Oct 20, 2010)

This is your life sir, good luck.

In my own view there are three changes in mariiage reconciliatin after the demage.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You do what is best for you----but you must also understand, that no matter what occurred in her past----she also knew all along what she was doing in taking a lover, and she knew what the consequences would be----for those reasons alone, you must not just give her a free pass----there still must be accountability

Apply it any way you want---but she must know that her even looking cross-eyed at another man, will NOT BE TOLERATED.

Beyond that, for your future---its what you can live with, and how you deal with your sub-conscious, for that is your enemy in all of this!!!!!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

If you have read my posts, you should be aware how much she has already suffered, is suffering and will suffer in the future. She is about as low, in her mind, as a person can get. She feels like she doesn't even deserve life. Think about that, for a moment.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Badblood, compassion is one of your strong suit it seems. Your wife is damn lucky.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Good luck to the both of you.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

aug said:


> Badblood, compassion is one of your strong suit it seems. Your wife is damn lucky.


Aug, I used to be as arrogant and ****y as any other young Marine, but I believe it was the War that changed all that. I had to kill people, and was exposed to death and pain almost on a daily basis. It changes you. When I see or hear some politician or commentator talking so glibly about the "evil", Muslims and how we need to "punish", them I get sick to my stomach. I would like to show them what truly happens, during a war and the human suffering these people have had to endure. I guess that I don't want to be the cause of any more of it. BTW, I would not characterize my wife as being "lucky". She will be suffering for quite some time, and all I am doing is to ease it for her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Badblood said:


> When I see or hear some politician or commentator talking so glibly about the "evil", Muslims and how we need to "punish", them I get sick to my stomach. I would like to show them what truly happens, during a war and the human suffering these people have had to endure.




Just like a wayward in an affair they have to demonize the enemy in order to justify what they are doing


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

We often talk about how the WS has to hit rock bottom before they can come back. Perhaps this is it. But the choice to offer the precious, precious gift of R is yours alone.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> We often talk about how the WS has to hit rock bottom before they can come back. Perhaps this is it. But the choice to offer the precious, precious gift of R is yours alone.


Lordmayhem, let's be quite clear on this point. I am NOT offering R. I am fulfilling my vow that I made to her on our wedding day. The decision to reconcile or not, can only be made when she is able to make rational, responsible decisions.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Badblood, I think you are doing the right thing! Your heart is in the right place, just remember to keep your brain in the right place too!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Lordmayhem, let's be quite clear on this point. I am NOT offering R. I am fulfilling my vow that I made to her on our wedding day. The decision to reconcile or not, can only be made when she is able to make rational, responsible decisions.


I never said you're offering R, I said the choice to offer R is yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's nothing wrong with not divorcing a FWW if that's what you believe in. Just make sure you also get counseling so you can deal with your own feelings. Just as her FOO can mess her up, giving up your own best interests can mess YOU up.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I support you too!!

I wish my husband was feeling the same!! I wish I knew for sure he was. He says he wants to repair our marriage and put into it 110% effort

He has never stressed to me what wedding vows mean though. It seems sacred to me. I chose him and he chose me.

I really can't even beleive I am going through what I'm going through. I still wear a wedding ring and my tax status is still married, So I'm still married. Been together for 11 years through a lot of hard hard things...I hope we can get through this really really hard thing too. 

I hope you can too!!!


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Badblood said:


> I know that a lot of posters will disagree with me. I know that I'm setting myself up for a long, hard, struggle, but I just can't divorce my wife. I have been thinking long and hard ever since her attempt, and have weighed all of the pro's and con's, and one thing has stared me in the face, even though I've tried to deny it. She has nobody else. Her family is crap, her friends are our friends, and the only people she cares about are our kids, my family and me.


Ok, if you want to stay married because you desperately don't want to be without her for whatever reason. Fine
You want to stay because you don't want your kids' home broken. Fine

But if the reason is that she doesn't have anyone to turn to, well tough s**t.

Man, is she lucky. She gets to cheat and have YOU feeling sorry for HER. Wow.




> I know that she cheated, I know that. But I have known her and loved her for 18 years, and I KNOW that this isn't the kind of person she wants to be. And with help, I know that she can overcome this and emerge a stronger, better person. But not without my help, my full, complete support. I also know that I could just walk away, but what does that mean? That I have as little regard for my wedding vows, as she did. I swore to love, honor and cherish, IN SICKNESS and in health.


Ya, and she swore to forsake all others.




> Well, my wife is sick, what do I do? I take care of her, to the best of my ability, and to the end, be it bitter or sweet. I know, I'm a fool, but I can live with being thought foolish, If I can make my wife well again.


Oh brother. Look, you do what you feel you have to do.

If this is your chosen path, then there really isn't anything can say to you from this point on.

With this chosen path its time to get a counselor involved. For what good that will do.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dexter Morgan, who pulled your chain? Have you even read my original thread or do you just amuse yourself by making smart-assed comments? My wife was about 5 minutes from death, even if I was to divorce her, it would not be until she is in her right mind, or who knows the next time she might succeed. She is alone, mentally ill, and despises herself, I wouldn't characterize her as Lucky.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Badblood sorry for thread jack but oldmittens, a betrayed husband, needs a good slapping on his thread. You will not believe his story *Not sure what to do*. You're a no-nonsense mofo and he would benefit from your brand of advice. Thanks in advance.

Oh and I disagree, your wife IS one damn lucky woman to have a man like you by her side.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Hey Bad,

You remind me a lot of my husband with the way you are direct and to the point with your posts. You are not one to back down, you'll fight to your death.

What I get from you is that you are a loyal man through and through, and you will not sit by and abandon your wife. you made a committment and you are a man of your word.

I get that......good luck


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Dexter Morgan, who pulled your chain? Have you even read my original thread or do you just amuse yourself by making smart-assed comments? My wife was about 5 minutes from death, even if I was to divorce her, it would not be until she is in her right mind, or who knows the next time she might succeed. She is alone, mentally ill, and despises herself, I wouldn't characterize her as Lucky.


Again, you do what you feel you have to do. If you feel you need to help her, even WHEN she cheats again, then its what you have to do.

I'm in your corner. I just would like to see you wake up. You cite your vows, even when she broke them.

You even said yourself you may be a fool for this line of thinking. I wouldn't say that, but you said it about yourself. There are opinions a plenty. I represent one side. If you aren't interested in hearing anything that doesn't fit your predetermined path, why bother asking the questions?

Like I said, if you want to do what you think is right for you, then more power to you. But quit making excuses for her.

Its up to you. Good luck.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Again, you do what you feel you have to do. If you feel you need to help her, even WHEN she cheats again, then its what you have to do.
> 
> I'm in your corner. I just would like to see you wake up. You cite your vows, even when she broke them.
> 
> ...


What part of mental illness do you not understand? The emergency room doctor (whom I'm pretty sure is an expert) said that if she had gone another 5 or 10 minutes, we wouldn't be having this thread, because she would be dead. Get that? Dead!! If you are more worried about who is right and who is wrong, than you are about the life of a human being, them you have problems of your own. Besides, I NEVER said that I was reconciling, I said that I was staying with her until she is well. If you had bothered to read the whole story , you would have known that. Don't come here, read one or two posts, and think you know what the eff you're talking about. It makes you look like a fool.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Badblood said:


> What part of mental illness do you not understand?


The part that says I don't give a rat's butt if her head spun around and vomited green pea soup on you.

What part of do what you feel you need to do don't YOU understand?




> If you are more worried about who is right and who is wrong, than you are about the life of a human being, them you have problems of your own. Besides, I NEVER said that I was reconciling, I said that I was staying with her until she is well. If you had bothered to read the whole story , you would have known that. Don't come here, read one or two posts, and think you know what the eff you're talking about. It makes you look like a fool.


Then by all means, stay with her.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I will be informing the moderators immediately.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Dexter, Badblood made it quite clear that R may not happen. However, he will help her start on whatever journey she needs to become a healthy individual. Especially since her family made it clear that the pressing need of therapy which existed before her affair does not concern them.

I also think Badblood feels he will hinder his own personal healing if he does nothing to help her, even if its just being with her at the beginning of treatment. If he feels what he is doing will help both her and himself, he will do it. He has not committed to an R, so he isnt jumping in without looking.

I do, however,have to call you out on something, badblood.All the cool kids join the Army, not the Marines.Go Army!


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Badblood said:


> I will be informing the moderators immediately.


Of what? I didn't cuss at you, I didn't call you any names.

I merely gave you an opinion you didn't like.

I was in your corner, you didn't like the opinion so you fired on me. I fired back. Simple as that.

Like I said, good luck.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Whip Morgan said:


> Dexter, Badblood made it quite clear that R may not happen.


Sure he did, AFTER he didn't like my opinion. Because in his very first post he said


> I swore to love, honor and cherish, IN SICKNESS and in health.


That doesn't sound like someone that isn't committed to staying in the marriage.

But really, I'm not going to argue what his intentions are after a possible recovery from her "illness".





> I also think Badblood feels he will hinder his own personal healing if he does nothing to help her, even if its just being with her at the beginning of treatment. If he feels what he is doing will help both her and himself, he will do it. He has not committed to an R, so he isnt jumping in without looking.


And like I have said over and over, good luck with that.


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