# Considering Open Marriage



## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

After 23 years of being with my husband and a heated fight last night, we both agree that this is not working. To keep it short, we are in a sexless marriage going on 3 years (my fault for the most part with many reasons). We also have an 8 year old son, who is totally heartbroken. My husband thinks that we should consider staying together for the sake of our son and just live our lives separately under one roof and agree to not bring anyone home. Basically, this is how we live now other than he wants to now open it up to dating others. If I find someone new, he will then move out. This sounds a little ridiculous to me. Has anyone here ever done this? I'm 45 years old and the thought of going out on dates and telling a guy that I'm still living with my husband sounds very strange to say the least. I think he would run the other direction immediately. On the other hand, it is killing me dealing with our son's broken heart. My parents divorced when I was 7. My mother never did find stability after the divorce and moved me from school to school. It changed my life for the worst forever. Here I find myself in the same situation as my mother, except I would not be uprooting my son. I've always told myself that I would live through hell in order to spare my son going through the torment of a divorce. I will have more posts to come soon I'm sure. I just needed to get this out there for starters....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you're crazy to consider it. It's not an open marriage, it's a farce at that point.

C


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yours are not the circumstances that make for a successful open marriage. (I have a successful one, so I have a basis for my opinion.) Yours are the circumstances in which divorce is the best option for everyone, including - IMO - your son. It is better for you and your husband to find new relationships where you are actually happy, as that will provide a better example for your son.

At best, you may be able to separate and try dating each other to see if you can rekindle your relationship, but if that doesn't seem realistic, it's better to end it cleanly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So you won't have sex with your husband but some stranger gets to clean your pipes?

Happy is right. I was going to quote him anyway. Divorce does not have to be devastating especially when you two love your son. Jumping in to an open marriage from a broken marriage WILL be disastrous and your son will more than likely be harmed far more than from an amicable divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

YummyPB said:


> After 23 years of being with my husband and a heated fight last night, we both agree that this is not working. To keep it short, we are in a sexless marriage going on 3 years (my fault for the most part with many reasons). We also have an 8 year old son, who is totally heartbroken. My husband thinks that we should consider staying together for the sake of our son and just live our lives separately under one roof and agree to not bring anyone home. Basically, this is how we live now other than he wants to now open it up to dating others. If I find someone new, he will then move out. This sounds a little ridiculous to me. Has anyone here ever done this? I'm 45 years old and the thought of going out on dates and telling a guy that I'm still living with my husband sounds very strange to say the least. I think he would run the other direction immediately. On the other hand, it is killing me dealing with our son's broken heart. My parents divorced when I was 7. My mother never did find stability after the divorce and moved me from school to school. It changed my life for the worst forever. Here I find myself in the same situation as my mother, except I would not be uprooting my son. I've always told myself that I would live through hell in order to spare my son going through the torment of a divorce. I will have more posts to come soon I'm sure. I just needed to get this out there for starters....


Hmm... your husband might _already_ be "dating" others.

And make no mistake... you'd probably be able to attract lots of guys, but probably not many of the type that you'd want in your life, and almost certainly none of the type that you'd want to bring around your son.

As for your son, it's likely that at least some damage has already been done. To eliminate or (possibly) reverse said damage, work at improving your marriage. And if -- for any reason -- you're not able to do that, mitigate any future damage to your son by ending your marriage, and as amicably as possible.

Seriously... think this through.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> So you won't have sex with your husband but some stranger gets to clean your pipes?


While I would've phrased it differently, I had the same thought.

OP, what's up w/ the sexless marriage? You posted this in another thread about 5 1/2 years ago...



YummyPB said:


> I am a newbie here. After reading some posts, I realize that I am not alone in the "sexless" marriage department. I haven't done the deed in probably 2 months and I personally have 0% interest in it whatsoever. I'm sure that is due to my husband being an alcoholic, financial issues, etc. I am just curious to see what percentage of members here are in sexless marriages. If you are, is it you or your spouse that isn't interested or is it a mutual agreement?


Has your marital situation changed at all (for better or worse... NPI) since then?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

All I can say is "Yummy yummy yummy, I got love in my tummy..."

Sorry, don't get how an "open marriage" can solve any of these problems.

Go to marriage counseling. Or get a divorce.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Do not think all divorces are equal either. Just because you went through an awful experience when you were young, does not mean it has to be that way for your son. It can work and be even better for your son to see you both happy and maybe in constructive relationships down the road.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Happy is right.


Conan, be careful how you refer to "happy." He and I get a lot of overlap.

:rofl: just being lighthearted, of course.

(Sorry, had a martini a half-hour ago. Feeling a bit goofy, and good!)


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

GusPolinski said:


> While I would've phrased it differently, I had the same thought.
> 
> OP, what's up w/ the sexless marriage? You posted this in another thread about 5 1/2 years ago...
> 
> ...


It is worse than it was. Besides the alcoholism and his blaming that on me, he is now on painkillers and seizure meds for a spinal problem that he got in May. He gets very angry and threatening after so much alcohol. While he's always had a temper over something not going his way, he's never made me feel scared until now. I do not want my son witnessing that nor should I have to put up with it.


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> So you won't have sex with your husband but some stranger gets to clean your pipes?
> 
> Happy is right. I was going to quote him anyway. Divorce does not have to be devastating especially when you two love your son. Jumping in to an open marriage from a broken marriage WILL be disastrous and your son will more than likely be harmed far more than from an amicable divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After years of being yelled at and never really allowed to speak my mind, it has left me with a lot of resentment towards him. Call me shallow, but I'm not attracted to him anymore either. He has put on 80 pounds since I met him. I like taking care of myself and it was an issue that I pushed past, but I just won't anymore. I loathe at the thought of him touching me or gasping for air because he's out of shape. Sorry I'd rather not bother....


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## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

Imagine, for a moment, there's no child in the house. How would you resolve this problem? 

You would probably leave (or kick him out) immediately, wouldn't you? Why? Because that's the best thing for your mental health. You don't like him, he repulses you, etc. Likewise for him, he's not getting laid, he's unhappy about that, he takes it out on you verbally, perhaps other ways as well... In short, it's a toxic relationship.

What is it about the child's presence that turns that solution on its head? You want to stay in a toxic relationship "for the sake of your son?" How does that help any of you?

I agree with Married But Happy. Yours is not a candidate for a successful open marriage. And I say that as someone who is in favor of such situations when they can work. (Just read my threads for my take on it.)

You already know, admit and agree it's not working. The longer you stick with it, the more unhappy all three of you will be.

For the sake of your son and yourself (and your hubby, too, if you have any love left for him at all, for goodness sake, he needs to get laid!) end it ASAP. 

My 2 cents.


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

HiLibido said:


> Imagine, for a moment, there's no child in the house. How would you resolve this problem?
> 
> You would probably leave (or kick him out) immediately, wouldn't you? Why? Because that's the best thing for your mental health. You don't like him, he repulses you, etc. Likewise for him, he's not getting laid, he's unhappy about that, he takes it out on you verbally, perhaps other ways as well... In short, it's a toxic relationship.
> 
> ...


Yes you are totally right.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Conan, be careful how you refer to "happy." He and I get a lot of overlap.
> 
> :rofl: just being lighthearted, of course.
> 
> (Sorry, had a martini a half-hour ago. Feeling a bit goofy, and good!)


I'm jealous! Working my butt off until Saturday and then I can imbibe as well!&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

YummyPB said:


> After years of being yelled at and never really allowed to speak my mind, it has left me with a lot of resentment towards him. Call me shallow, but I'm not attracted to him anymore either. He has put on 80 pounds since I met him. I like taking care of myself and it was an issue that I pushed past, but I just won't anymore. I loathe at the thought of him touching me or gasping for air because he's out of shape. Sorry I'd rather not bother....


I get it. Your marriage is done. Gus is right as well. The guys that would be willing to be with you might be more physically attractive than your H but would have some serious character flaws.

Get your divorce and be healthy. Agreeable co-parenting is far superior to what you have now and what you would attract in an open marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him if he wants to stay, he'll start going to MC with you at least twice a month. Otherwise, you'll be filing and he can move out.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

What qualification does is a candidate have to have for a good open marriage? 

~sammy


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> What qualification does is a candidate have to have for a good open marriage?
> 
> ~sammy


I'd think that not being compelled to enter into such an agreement under any sort of duress would be at the very top of that list.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Ultimately if there is absolutely no stopping him, if he is hell bent on doing the open marriage or divorcing, and you don't want to divorce, then let him have it.

I've seen more than one story here on TAM and elsewhere of fool husbands who believe that their wives are holding them back from the sexual escapades of their dreams with an army of beautiful women who would line up for a chance with him, feeling that an "open marriage" is the solution. Much to their surprise, their dream is a fantasy, finding women willing to shack up with a openly married man is incredibly difficult. Instead they end up watching their wives go on date after date after date, and eventually try to angrily call the whole "open marriage" thing off.

I'm not saying that's what you should do, I'm just giving you a likely scenario if you ultimately do allow it to happen, whether agreeably or out of an unwillingness to agree to a divorce.


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## daisybush (Jan 16, 2015)

I think instead of taking divorce just speck together and try to be normal , some time it happen we say something very harsh in anger and then after some time we realize we talk too much so just for your son you must talk to your husband and try to normal situation.


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