# Husband fired; I feel betrayed



## ShannonPA-S

I am new here. I am glad I found this forum. I am just now starting to look through all the threads and topics. It's so nice to be able to see others support for what people are going through.

My husband and I have been together 10 years and were married 3 years ago. We have a 2 year old daughter, who is so challenging. Prior to conceiving my daughter, I planned on going back to school to get my Masters to become a physician assistant (mid-level practitioner like a nurse practitioner). Then I found out I was pregnant and had to wait. So I went back to school last May and have about 8.5 months left until I graduate from my PA program. With a child, this has been so hard as the program is only full-time and so, so much work.

The last year has been incredibly stressful. My husband was supposed to wake up and get my daughter ready for daycare. Then he was to take her to daycare and get to work by 9 a.m. Apparently he couldn't do that. His job was very lenient with him for over a year and he was late every single day (he didn't arrive until 9:30 to 10:00 on a daily basis). His boss warned him in March that he might lose his job if he didn't get it together. Well, needless to say, he didn't get it together and got fired June 3. He was our only source of income and health insurance. I cannot work during this program.

I am so, so angry because it's not like it was asking a lot to get a 2 year old ready and take her to daycare, while getting to work by 9 a.m. It's not like he had to get there by 7:00 or something. I feel betrayed because he's put us in such a tough situation.

The good news is that his work (that really, really did not want to fire him but had no choice because of his proverbial slap-in-the face of being late every day) is not contesting his unemployment, so we are getting about 1/2 of what he was earning. And we just bought a house cash with some help from his parents. So we have a roof over our head.

But I do not know how to forgive him for this. I am so angry, hurt, and betrayed. I feel like when he agreed to support me through school, that meant keeping a job that had good benefits and income. Yet he blames me for going back to school, saying it's my fault he was fired because he had to take our daughter to daycare. That would be like saying it's his fault if I failed an exam because he didn't come home earlier enough for me to study. I would never look at it like that.

Anyway, I am not sure where to go from here. Our relationship was already strained. We yell at each other a lot. I just don't know how I can forgive him. It still eats me up inside. And from what I know, he's not yet looking for a job. He is still "fixing the house" that we bought, even though it's completely liveable and the rest of the things can be fixed on the weekends. Plus, I feel like he's very low-energy and depressed. I'm trying not to use the word "lazy" but that's what I think sometimes.

Really not sure how to forgive him. It would be different if he took responsibility, but I can't forgive someone who is blaming me when I know it's not my fault. He agreed to support me. Yet he blames me for him losing his job.

Thanks in advance,
Shannon


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## 2xloser

You two need to both STOP, step back, take a breath, and remember why you got married in the first place, then recognize where you are at ("...for better or for worse..."), and re-evaluate why you both have such a lack of respect for each other with some MC. He is more than a paycheck, isn't he? Find ways to let him know. He failed to support you; OK. Find _constructive_ ways to tell him how it makes you feel, not bash him for it. He messed up, there's some underlying reason he continued ot be late to work. Did he hate this job? Something kept him for respecting his employer enough to do what he needed to do... find out, and fix it. Together...

Then work out a plan to turn the page, and work together on how to move forward. Your fault, his fault, doesn't matter. You have a child that is counting on you both to work this out like adults.


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## Conrad

Shannon,

When I read your post, I thought to myself...

When trying to pound a square peg into a round hole, simply look for a bigger hammer.


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## Entropy3000

2xloser said:


> You two need to both STOP, step back, take a breath, and remember why you got married in the first place, then recognize where you are at ("...for better or for worse..."), and re-evaluate why you both have such a lack of respect for each other with some MC. He is more than a paycheck, isn't he? Find ways to let him know. He failed to support you; OK. Find _constructive_ ways to tell him how it makes you feel, not bash him for it. He messed up, there's some underlying reason he continued ot be late to work. Did he hate this job? Something kept him for respecting his employer enough to do what he needed to do... find out, and fix it. Together...
> 
> Then work out a plan to turn the page, and work together on how to move forward. Your fault, his fault, doesn't matter. You have a child that is counting on you both to work this out like adults.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Cross

Your situation is similar to mine, but reversed...There is no right answer, just hard choices.


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## mikey11

as long as his commute to work is not extensive like 2+ hours then i think he is being irresponsible in time management and not getting to work on time, i have no kids but i get up at 4 am and go to the gym for 90 mins to workout, then i have a 90 min train ride to work, it is all about priorities and getting them straight


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## chillymorn

was this baby planned?

were you on birth control?

maybe he feels the same way twords you betrayed!


he really might not have wanted a child and not hes got one and more responsibility to go with it and a demanding wife who is all about going to school when she has a 2yr old at home!


Or maybe not


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## Larrelye

Shannon. This is one of those "richer or poorer, better or worse, sickness and health" times. Yes, I would also feel betrayed and hurt. But obviously there is something going on with him. Either his job, baby, general stress. There is NO reason ANYONE should be consistently 30 minutes to an hour late for work at 9 am unless daycare doesn't open until 9 which would be ridiculous. Is he ill or depressed and having a hard time getting up in the mornings? The 2 of you CAN work through this if you want to. Maybe the idea of a wife who works and maybe (i don't know) make more money than him is hurtful to his ego? I don't know y'alls history but that wouldn't be a stretch for an old fashioned man who wants to be a provider.


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## turnera

If I had to guess, he simply is one of those men who never imagined NOR intended to be a hands-on dad. He was fine with having kids, as long as 'the woman' took care of them. 

And then you went and dumped her in his lap and said deal with it, and he rebelled. Stewed. Pouted. Tried to think of any passive-aggressive way he could get you to notice that HE, too, was miserable. And you didn't. 

Does that absolve him? No. But it might explain what happened. What's important is that you sit down and be completely honest with each other - hopefully with a therapist in the middle - so you can BOTH be heard and validated and then choose a path FORWARD that results in what each of you wants and needs.


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## roamingmind

My question is --- why he is one who has to get the baby to the daycare everyday? Couldn't you take turns?

I was in post-graduate shcool full time so I know the workload and understand your stress . But I do not think it's fair that you put it all on your husband--especially he was also working full time. 

So why are you angry ? Should he blame you not taking part of the responsibilty and that has cost his job? You are blaming him for not continuing to support you, where is your support for him? Why does he need your forgiveness?


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## magnoliagal

turnera said:


> If I had to guess, he simply is one of those men who never imagined NOR intended to be a hands-on dad. He was fine with having kids, as long as 'the woman' took care of them.
> 
> And then you went and dumped her in his lap and said deal with it, and he rebelled. Stewed. Pouted. Tried to think of any passive-aggressive way he could get you to notice that HE, too, was miserable. And you didn't.


I agree with this. I know he agreed to support you but I doubt he really meant it. Or maybe he meant it but grew to resent it over time. Maybe you were gone too much, failed to appreciate him, something. Instead of speaking up to get you to notice he got fired. That worked.


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## Prodigal

turnera said:


> Tried to think of *any passive-**aggressive way *he could get you to notice that HE, too, was miserable. And you didn't.


Amen, amen, and amen AGAIN!

Shannon, I went through something similar to this. Thankfully, no children were involved. But I understand completely where you are coming from. 

My husband lost his job in August '09. A job in which he was given every chance imaginable to show up for work on time, sober and just do his job. Nope. Blew a 17-year career (at a high GS grade) with the federal government.

I don't handle passive-aggressives well at all. I don't care if people here like my advice or not; but I call it as I see it and I don't dance around the issues.

You are a very strong woman. You've made it this far. Can you go back to work and complete your degree on a part-time basis? Suggestion: take some of that anger and divert it into getting your degree completed and going back to work. You might want to also consider seeing an attorney just to explore your options. 

I went through this myself and I left my husband six weeks after he drank himself out of his job. I wasn't going to support an active alcoholic in his drinking. I was also fed up with the passive-aggressive/no-speak/gobbledy-goop messages I received from someone who couldn't look squarely in the face at his issues or our issues.

I see a red flag in your post: your husband is blaming you for his actions. This is so indicative of an addict. They are known for side-stepping responsibility for their own behaviors and blaming everyone else for their mess-ups. If your husband isn't an alcoholic, does he come from a family where alcoholism is present?

Just speculating here, but his behavior could just be the way he diverts responsibility from himself to others, or it could be indicative of being raised in an alcoholic home or being one himself.


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## michzz

Or maybe he was fired for poor performance and he's telling you it was for being late to work?

Yet another way to zing you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega

This reminds me. I am late for work almost every single day (no core hours at my job..we all just try to get there at eight). I too take my daughter to school every morning. It's my "job" to get her out of bed, dressed, fed, and off o school. And being very precocious, she non stop argues with me about getting her out of bed, dressed, fed, and off to school.....you know....the way "she" wants it done. Lol.

It's also amazing that the only times I am on time to work are those days that I absolutely have to be there at eight, sharp. Or bad things will happen.

It's amazing what you can do when those priorities are there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum

What sort of a woman wants to be married to man child like that? Too bad if he didn't like the responsibility of having a child. Most people find it's very different in reality when they have to take care of a child. However that is part of being an adult. She can't just shirk her responsibilities.

I don't blame you for being stressed OP. He needs to man up get another job and take his role as a father seriously.


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## SacredLady

I do not understand why all the blame is on him? Why would you risk putting all of the responsibility on your husband and he is the ONLY source of income? You say that his time management is off; however, I would say the same for you because you didn't choose a good time to go back to school. You two must both prioritize better. He DID TRY to take on a job that most men won't. Expecting him to do that everyday and knowing that he was late everyday should have just illustrated that it was the wrong move. Instead of just setting him out in that sort of routine, it should have started small such as taking turns or something. Getting a 2year old ready in the morning is not always a walk in the park. Now he feel as if he failed. I don't think you considered his feelings at all. Only the fact that you wanted your degree and was willing to risk the only income in the household for it. You two need to talk. You should try to see it from his perspective too. You are not the only one hurting. A masters could have waited until things was more manageable for the both of you. Definitely if there was not a rush for money.:scratchhead:


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## kevint

ShannonPA-S said:


> I am new here. I am glad I found this forum. I am just now starting to look through all the threads and topics. It's so nice to be able to see others support for what people are going through.
> 
> My husband and I have been together 10 years and were married 3 years ago. We have a 2 year old daughter, who is so challenging. Prior to conceiving my daughter, I planned on going back to school to get my Masters to become a physician assistant (mid-level practitioner like a nurse practitioner). Then I found out I was pregnant and had to wait. So I went back to school last May and have about 8.5 months left until I graduate from my PA program. With a child, this has been so hard as the program is only full-time and so, so much work.
> 
> The last year has been incredibly stressful. My husband was supposed to wake up and get my daughter ready for daycare. Then he was to take her to daycare and get to work by 9 a.m. Apparently he couldn't do that. His job was very lenient with him for over a year and he was late every single day (he didn't arrive until 9:30 to 10:00 on a daily basis). His boss warned him in March that he might lose his job if he didn't get it together. Well, needless to say, he didn't get it together and got fired June 3. He was our only source of income and health insurance. I cannot work during this program.
> 
> I am so, so angry because it's not like it was asking a lot to get a 2 year old ready and take her to daycare, while getting to work by 9 a.m. It's not like he had to get there by 7:00 or something. I feel betrayed because he's put us in such a tough situation.
> 
> The good news is that his work (that really, really did not want to fire him but had no choice because of his proverbial slap-in-the face of being late every day) is not contesting his unemployment, so we are getting about 1/2 of what he was earning. And we just bought a house cash with some help from his parents. So we have a roof over our head.
> 
> But I do not know how to forgive him for this. I am so angry, hurt, and betrayed. I feel like when he agreed to support me through school, that meant keeping a job that had good benefits and income. Yet he blames me for going back to school, saying it's my fault he was fired because he had to take our daughter to daycare. That would be like saying it's his fault if I failed an exam because he didn't come home earlier enough for me to study. I would never look at it like that.
> 
> Anyway, I am not sure where to go from here. Our relationship was already strained. We yell at each other a lot. I just don't know how I can forgive him. It still eats me up inside. And from what I know, he's not yet looking for a job. He is still "fixing the house" that we bought, even though it's completely liveable and the rest of the things can be fixed on the weekends. Plus, I feel like he's very low-energy and depressed. I'm trying not to use the word "lazy" but that's what I think sometimes.
> 
> Really not sure how to forgive him. It would be different if he took responsibility, but I can't forgive someone who is blaming me when I know it's not my fault. He agreed to support me. Yet he blames me for him losing his job.
> 
> Thanks in advance,
> Shannon


You are so selfish!You're not even worried about the fact that he just lost his job!It's all about you not being able to go school.Did you ever think that by having him do all the extra stuff before work played a role!You are just as much responsible as he is.In short get over yourself!


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## kevint

mikey11 said:


> as long as his commute to work is not extensive like 2+ hours then i think he is being irresponsible in time management and not getting to work on time, i have no kids but i get up at 4 am and go to the gym for 90 mins to workout, then i have a 90 min train ride to work, it is all about priorities and getting them straight


Okay so you have no idea what it like to dress a 2 year old and get yourself ready for work,Get the kid to daycare and then get to work on time.It's just as much her fault as it is his.


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## kevint

turnera said:


> If I had to guess, he simply is one of those men who never imagined NOR intended to be a hands-on dad. He was fine with having kids, as long as 'the woman' took care of them.
> 
> And then you went and dumped her in his lap and said deal with it, and he rebelled. Stewed. Pouted. Tried to think of any passive-aggressive way he could get you to notice that HE, too, was miserable. And you didn't.
> 
> Does that absolve him? No. But it might explain what happened. What's important is that you sit down and be completely honest with each other - hopefully with a therapist in the middle - so you can BOTH be heard and validated and then choose a path FORWARD that results in what each of you wants and needs.


Do you really think this man intentionally got himself fired?I mean come on!She's being selfish in that she wants him to get himself ready for work and get the 2 year old ready and out to daycare ,then get himself to work on time.What's she doing while all of this is going on.


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## kevint

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:!!!!Thank you!!


roamingmind said:


> My question is --- why he is one who has to get the baby to the daycare everyday? Couldn't you take turns?
> 
> I was in post-graduate shcool full time so I know the workload and understand your stress . But I do not think it's fair that you put it all on your husband--especially he was also working full time.
> 
> So why are you angry ? Should he blame you not taking part of the responsibilty and that has cost his job? You are blaming him for not continuing to support you, where is your support for him? Why does he need your forgiveness?


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## Syrum

kevint said:


> Do you really think this man intentionally got himself fired?I mean come on!She's being selfish in that she wants him to get himself ready for work and get the 2 year old ready and out to daycare ,then get himself to work on time.What's she doing while all of this is going on.


Are you serious.

Oh my goodness, imagine having to get your self ready and your child ready for daycare every day. 

You do know that countless mothers and fathers do this all the time?

I allways get up get my son ready take him to school, then get myself to work. That is what adult parents do! 

Sorry but really, how incompetant must you be if you can't even do that?

Also she is studying so that she can get a better job and when you study full time, it's the same as having a full time job. She will eventually finish and be able to help support the family.

When two people work or study full time, they should both be equally responsible for the children, and of course depending on schedules that means one may have to allways get the child ready and drop them off and one may have to do the picking up etc...

It just shouldn't be a problem for reasonable people.


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## Softly Walking

kevint said:


> Do you really think this man intentionally got himself fired?I mean come on!She's being selfish in that she wants him to get himself ready for work and get the 2 year old ready and out to daycare ,then get himself to work on time.What's she doing while all of this is going on.


She's been going to school full time - and last time I checked - most of those courses start at 7 am but then you'd have known this is you actually read her post. And before you stutter about how she could go part time and prove more of your selective reading skills - this was only offered as a full time course. But then again how dare a woman expect a man to act like a responsible parent and get up an hour early. 

I'm amazed that women can work 2 jobs, take care of the kids and house while putting hubby thought school yet it's too much to expect a man to just get the kid to daycare and get to work on time.


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## Kobo

Softly Walking said:


> She's been going to school full time - and last time I checked - most of those courses start at 7 am but then you'd have known this is you actually read her post. And before you stutter about how she could go part time and prove more of your selective reading skills - this was only offered as a full time course. But then again how dare a woman expect a man to act like a responsible parent and get up an hour early.
> 
> I'm amazed that women can work 2 jobs, take care of the kids and house while putting hubby thought school yet it's too much to expect a man to just get the kid to daycare and get to work on time.



So whats more important: Getting the Masters or having an income to sustain the family? My wife doesn't have good time management therefore I don't ask/expect her to do things that require that skill if its going to be an extreme detriment to the family. When I first went back to school I was working 12hr shifts followed by a class at 8am. Get home at noon, pick up the daughter at 4pm. Repeat. Going to school does not remove responsibilities and the spouse going to school should make the most sacrifice IMO. Both decided to be a family, at that point whats best for the family comes first. In this case it would be a continuous stream of income. BTW, most daycares open at 6:30am. 

For his part he should have went to her and say I can't make this work but I sure he hoped to bypass the feeling of betrayal she is having now. He also could have asked for a flex schedule maybe a 10-7 where he'd miss traffic both ways. But she might feel betrayed because he's not home in time for her to do her homework/papers/projects and he still expects sex by golly 


For her part she could have selected a school/program that offers online courses or even Saturday/Sunday courses. Both my wife and I have gone back to school since being married and having kids. We make choices that disrupt the family as little as possible. It has worked for us.


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## golfergirl

Kobo said:


> So whats more important: Getting the Masters or having an income to sustain the family? My wife doesn't have good time management therefore I don't ask/expect her to do things that require that skill if its going to be an extreme detriment to the family. When I first went back to school I was working 12hr shifts followed by a class at 8am. Get home at noon, pick up the daughter at 4pm. Repeat. Going to school does not remove responsibilities and the spouse going to school should make the most sacrifice IMO. Both decided to be a family, at that point whats best for the family comes first. In this case it would be a continuous stream of income. BTW, most daycares open at 6:30am.
> 
> For his part he should have went to her and say I can't make this work but I sure he hoped to bypass the feeling of betrayal she is having now. He also could have asked for a flex schedule maybe a 10-7 where he'd miss traffic both ways. But she might feel betrayed because he's not home in time for her to do her homework/papers/projects and he still expects sex by golly
> 
> 
> For her part she could have selected a school/program that offers online courses or even Saturday/Sunday courses. Both my wife and I have gone back to school since being married and having kids. We make choices that disrupt the family as little as possible. It has worked for us.


Time management is a learned skill. He had time to learn it since formal warning in March. If a mother was in his boat she'd be called lazy and incompetent. Gasp - some of us even do this task by 8am with 2 children!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roamingmind

SacredLady said:


> I do not understand why all the blame is on him? Why would you risk putting all of the responsibility on your husband and he is the ONLY source of income? You say that his time management is off; however, I would say the same for you because you didn't choose a good time to go back to school. You two must both prioritize better. He DID TRY to take on a job that most men won't. Expecting him to do that everyday and knowing that he was late everyday should have just illustrated that it was the wrong move. Instead of just setting him out in that sort of routine, it should have started small such as taking turns or something. Getting a 2year old ready in the morning is not always a walk in the park. Now he feel as if he failed. I don't think you considered his feelings at all. Only the fact that you wanted your degree and was willing to risk the only income in the household for it. You two need to talk. You should try to see it from his perspective too. You are not the only one hurting. A masters could have waited until things was more manageable for the both of you. Definitely if there was not a rush for money.:scratchhead:


Absolutely agree.


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## roamingmind

Softly Walking said:


> She's been going to school full time - and last time I checked - most of those courses start at 7 am but then you'd have known this is you actually read her post. And before you stutter about how she could go part time and prove more of your selective reading skills - this was only offered as a full time course. But then again how dare a woman expect a man to act like a responsible parent and get up an hour early.
> 
> I'm amazed that women can work 2 jobs, take care of the kids and house while putting hubby thought school yet it's too much to expect a man to just get the kid to daycare and get to work on time.


For graduate school, a full time student takes three courses, most of them are in the late morning or afternoon or evening. 

I don't see why she can't share part of the morning routines and put the blame solely on her husband. 

She didn't try to help knowing her husband had trouble going to work on time --- and now she is blaming him, why? A full time job is just as demanding as her schoolwork. 

Talking about support, it's not one way street. What she comes across from the posting to me is just being selfish, and unappreciative.


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## Syrum

I am astounded that people seem to think it's too much to ask a man to get his child ready and to daycare and then get to work by 9 am. :scratchhead:


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## Kobo

golfergirl said:


> Time management is a learned skill. He had time to learn it since formal warning in March. If a mother was in his boat she'd be called lazy and incompetent. Gasp - some of us even do this task by 8am with 2 children!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some people aren't good at time management. They just aren't. This couple bet their only income on his weakness and they lost. The people calling a mother lazy and incompentent for being late to work because she couldn't manage to get a 2 yr old ready and still make it in to work on time would be half right. She is incompetent at time management. Just as the husband in this situation is. We all have weaknesses and strengths. Learning how to manage these make for a better life. Trying to force a round peg in a square hole makes for the unemplyment line.


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## Kobo

Syrum said:


> I am astounded that people seem to think it's too much to ask a man to get his child ready and to daycare and then get to work by 9 am. :scratchhead:


It's not too much but it didn't work in this situation. So I guess she can enjoy holding on to her principle of a "Man should be able to do this" while waiting on the 1st and 15th. Yes a man can get his child ready and to daycare and then get to work by 9 am just not this man. Now everyone including the baby can enjoy more time together.


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## roamingmind

golfergirl said:


> Time management is a learned skill. He had time to learn it since formal warning in March. If a mother was in his boat she'd be called lazy and incompetent. Gasp - some of us even do this task by 8am with 2 children!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why " mother nature" not "father nature".


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## roamingmind

Kobo said:


> Some people aren't good at time management. They just aren't. This couple bet their only income on his weakness and they lost. The people calling a mother lazy and incompentent for being late to work because she couldn't manage to get a 2 yr old ready and still make it in to work on time would be half right. She is incompetent at time management. Just as the husband in this situation is. We all have weaknesses and strengths. Learning how to manage these make for a better life. Trying to force a round peg in a square hole makes for the unemplyment line.


Agree, agree:smthumbup:


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## Syrum

Kobo said:


> It's not too much but it didn't work in this situation. So I guess she can enjoy holding on to her principle of a "Man should be able to do this" while waiting on the 1st and 15th. Yes a man can get his child ready and to daycare and then get to work by 9 am just not this man. Now everyone including the baby can enjoy more time together.


I find that to be ridiculous.

If I do not get to work on time it's my fault. I have no one to blame but myself.

Set the clock earlier if he has to.

Men who behave this way are not attractive, they are like little unreliable children.

What he is showing is that he cannot handle responsibility. Sure she could have taken the responsibility off of him, and can take the blame. What will that mean? It means in future she takes on more and more responsibility to avoid situations like this, because he cannot be trusted to act like an adult, and resentment builds.

He needs to behave like a husband and father. Not a child.


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## e.p.

Syrum said:


> Are you serious.
> 
> Oh my goodness, imagine having to get your self ready and your child ready for daycare every day.


Dumb suggestion, but maybe the wife could be a stay at home mother with her young child and wait a few years till she is in school to pursue her degree? This would remove the issue of childcare while providing the young child with intimate parental attention they need for proper growth and development.

I also notice she refers to her daughter as "my daughter" not "our daughter". Is the husband the father? Is there some resentment over the daughter?

I've also done the graduate school thing and I never had a class before 8AM in the morning. Is there an explicit reason the wife could not have pitched in at some point? Are you interning?

I'm not letting this guy off the hook; he needs to manage his time better. But perhaps there is a solution besides anger and blame.

My advice would be get over yourself, Shannon, anger is not going to help you feel better about the situation or put food on the table. Regroup and decide how better to approach this situation in the future. 

-e.p.


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## AniversaryFight

So his father and him bought the house, you still getting the half money, blaming him for loosing the job because he was alone taking your child to daycare. etc etc How selfish YOU AREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I havent read at an point taking responsibility or admit doing anything wrong, all is about you you. Women like you are to be avoided for a relationship!


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## Kobo

Syrum said:


> I find that to be ridiculous.
> 
> If I do not get to work on time it's my fault. I have no one to blame but myself.
> 
> Set the clock earlier if he has to.
> 
> Men who behave this way are not attractive, they are like little unreliable children.
> 
> What he is showing is that he cannot handle responsibility. Sure she could have taken the responsibility off of him, and can take the blame. What will that mean? It means in future she takes on more and more responsibility to avoid situations like this, because he cannot be trusted to act like an adult, and resentment builds.
> 
> He needs to behave like a husband and father. Not a child.


Once again you are answering as someone who is good at managing time. Some people aren't built that way. They had a year to correct and didn't. Now she's betrayed and let me guess...building resentment towards her husband for something that was totally correctable. But go ahead, stand on your principles and not recognize that we as individuals have varying strengths and weaknesses. It worked out well for the OP.


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## Syrum

Kobo said:


> Once again you are answering as someone who is good at managing time. Some people aren't built that way. They had a year to correct and didn't. Now she's betrayed and let me guess...building resentment towards her husband for something that was totally correctable. But go ahead, stand on your principles and not recognize that we as individuals have varying strengths and weaknesses. It worked out well for the OP.


Poor time management is a choice.

I am not good with time (mornings) actually, and have been late to work quite a few times. luckily my boss is also one of my best friends and is very generous with me. If my job was threatened I would get my but there on time every single day.

I am not a morning person and have all ways stuggled with it, but guess what? When it's important I put big girl pants on, suck it up, plan ahead and get out the door early.


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## Kobo

Syrum said:


> Poor time management is a choice.
> 
> I am not good with time (mornings) actually, and have been late to work quite a few times. luckily my boss is also one of my best friends and is very generous with me. If my job was threatened I would get my but there on time every single day.
> 
> I am not a morning person and have all ways stuggled with it, but guess what? When it's important I put big girl pants on, suck it up, plan ahead and get out the door early.


Yet you're late quite a few times even though the responsible and "big girl" thing to do is to arrive at work at the proper time each and every day and not take advantage of your friendship with your boss. So even though you know as well as I do that you should be at work on time you aren't because you're not good at time management and not a morning person. You are continually late because hey "I'm not a morning person". Well hell I've been saying the same thing for 4 posts. You just assume that if you're job were threatened you would somehow kick it into gear. OK he doesn't. 

Now what? We just keep it status quo because he SHOULD be able to? Do we change up the arrangement so that the wife can go to school AND the husband keeps his job? Which one is in the best interest of the family?


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## Syrum

Kobo said:


> Yet you're late quite a few times even though the responsible and "big girl" thing to do is to arrive at work at the proper time each and every day and not take advantage of your friendship with your boss. So even though you know as well as I do that you should be at work on time you aren't because you're not good at time management and not a morning person. You are continually late because hey "I'm not a morning person". Well hell I've been saying the same thing for 4 posts. You just assume that if you're job were threatened you would somehow kick it into gear. OK he doesn't.
> 
> Now what? We just keep it status quo because he SHOULD be able to? Do we change up the arrangement so that the wife can go to school AND the husband keeps his job? Which one is in the best interest of the family?


Actually no I have had jobs before where I have been on time/ early every single day and if and when needed I am on time every time.

I am pointing out that if you must you must. 

If I had to be on time I would be on time, every single day. Especially as I am currently the sole bread winner in my household. If I lost my job it would be on me.

I also never said I was continually late, I said I have been late quite a few times. 

No woman wants a man she can't trust to take care of what needs to be done. It's very unmanly and very un attractive. I personally couldn't stand it, and if I lost my job over something like that I would expect my so to be really pissed too.

And there are lots of things I do to ensure I am on time, like getting clothes and lunches ready the night before, setting my alarm earlier and getting to bed at a reasonable time the night before.


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## turnera

Guys, the OP hasn't been back to answer questions. So you are all making assumptions without basis. Just wait for her to come back before you make declarations.


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## roamingmind

Syrum said:


> Actually no I have had jobs before where I have been on time/ early every single day and if and when needed I am on time every time.
> 
> I am pointing out that if you must you must.
> 
> If I had to be on time I would be on time, every single day. Especially as I am currently the sole bread winner in my household. If I lost my job it would be on me.
> 
> I also never said I was continually late, I said I have been late quite a few times.
> 
> No woman wants a man she can't trust to take care of what needs to be done. It's very unmanly and very un attractive. I personally couldn't stand it, and if I lost my job over something like that I would expect my so to be really pissed too.
> 
> And there are lots of things I do to ensure I am on time, like getting clothes and lunches ready the night before, setting my alarm earlier and getting to bed at a reasonable time the night before.


With all respect, Syrum, you are not him -- HE can't. 

Just like somebody is claustrophobia, no matter how you rationalize that " he should not be afraid", he isn't going to snap it off because he doesn't have that capacity.


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## Template

I have lurked around TAM for a while and am really surprised that so many posters are blaming Shannon, so, given I have a lifetime of experience with just this situation, I decided to register and respond. 
Shannon, you have every right to feel betrayed and angry. Your husband has jeopardized the future of your family because he is incapable of getting out of bed and getting a 2 year old to daycare and himself to work on time. And now, he is content to be the stay at home guy, puttering around with projects instead of making a sincere effort to acquire employment.
He is acting like a child, unable to sacrifice some comfort now so that your family will be more secure financially in the future (he will certainly reap the rewards of your education in your increased earnings and regular work hours). He should have done what it takes to fulfill the commitment he gave when you returned to school. Instead, he blames you for his job loss because he could not get to work on time AND get your child to daycare. Really?
You certainly need to look at this experience and decide if you want to live it over and over in the future. It is a harbinger of things to come. If you give in on this issue, you will give in on the next and the next. Eventually, it will be easier to just do everything yourself, expecting no accountability from him, what so ever. Then, he will have you right where he wants you. You will be the adult in the relationship and you will be responsible for everything including his failures, which he will blame on you. I can tell you that will breed a huge load of resentment for you to carry and that resentment will drive a wedge into your relationship.
My advice is to seek joint counseling as soon as you can afford it. Maybe your school offers some for free or at a low cost. You need to get your marital roles sorted out. Your husband needs help to grow up and accept responsibility for his actions and his role as an adult in the relationship. Once you can assess what your husband is willing to do to improve, you can decide if you want to continue down this road, fully embracing (and not resenting) that you will probably always carry more than 50% of the marital responsibilities, be unable to rely on him or trust him when he makes promises. 
I have lived this scenario for 40 years and it is an on going challenge to maintain love and forgiveness and push down feelings of betrayal and resentment.


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## Deejo

Syrum said:


> Poor time management is a choice.


Untrue. But I don't expect anyone to see it differently.

Three letters ... A D *wait I'm getting dressed for work and checking email, and logged onto TAM ... which reminds me I need to put my pants on* D

I have no idea what this guy's story is. But it does strike me that there is an awful lot of gap filling going on to paint this guy as pathetic. Don't know. Maybe he is. But ... he was providing a home, the single source of income, enabling the woman he loves to better herself, and TRYING to perform as a father. OP could have done a whole lot worse in the man department methinks.

If I was solely responsible for getting my kids up, dressed, and out the door EVERY DAY and expected to be at work on time EVERY DAY ... I wouldn't have a job either.

I do not CHOOSE to have poor time management. Nor do I ever use my condition as an excuse. I simply adjust. I would never consider a job that doesn't have a flexible schedule.

No doubt that he could have taken steps to adjust. Speak with his employer about flex time, enlist assistance with friends or family if mom CAN'T help.

But instead ... we now have a marriage on the fast track to the crapper.

Here are my takeaways:

1. "We have a 2 year old daughter, who is so challenging." Don't know what you mean here. I have a special needs child. If that is also your case, then you should know full well ... there is no such thing as "on time." Getting dressed can be five minutes, or fifty.

2. "He agreed to support me while I'm in school." And at the risk of sounding petty ... it sounds like you took that as absolute. Going so far as watching him struggle for OVER A YEAR ... but instead of offering a compromising solution, you stood by and watched him implode ... and hold him solely responsible.

3.Relationship is strained, I don't know if I can forgive him. He seems depressed and avoidant ... making you resent him all the more. 
His being depressed sounds very likely, given his behavior and the outcome.


Your alternatives are simple; leave him ... then you can figure all of the scheduling out by yourself and needn't worry about his tardiness.

Put up with him just long enough for you to finish school and get that PA job so you can stand on your own two feet ... then dump him.

Or ... talk with your husband. Find a solution. Find a compromise. Love and respect one another. Honor your marriage. Hold your family together. Build each other up, instead of tearing each other down.


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## Kobo

Syrum said:


> Actually no I have had jobs before where I have been on time/ early every single day and if and when needed I am on time every time.
> 
> I am pointing out that if you must you must.
> 
> If I had to be on time I would be on time, every single day. Especially as I am currently the sole bread winner in my household. If I lost my job it would be on me.
> 
> I also never said I was continually late, I said I have been late quite a few times.
> 
> No woman wants a man she can't trust to take care of what needs to be done. It's very unmanly and very un attractive. I personally couldn't stand it, and if I lost my job over something like that I would expect my so to be really pissed too.
> 
> And there are lots of things I do to ensure I am on time, like getting clothes and lunches ready the night before, setting my alarm earlier and getting to bed at a reasonable time the night before.


Well then you aren't poor at time management as you stated earlier. A person that is not good at time management does not get clothes and lunches ready the night before, set their alarm earlier or get to bed at a reasonable time the night before. That's the point. They don't do that. If they did they wouldn't be poor at managing time.

Syrum, how long have you been married? I ask because you sound a lot like me when I first got married. My wife is what we call scatter brained. She has so much going on in her head that she cannot routinely complete things without jumping to the next thing. This irked me something fierce when it came to house cleaning. Things would be half way done, she would get back to some cleaning and other tasks she wouldn't. That drove me crazy. I mean any responsible adult can finish their task right? We fought, I stood my ground, we fought some more, etc. As I got older I realized that she just wasn't built in a way that allowed her to focus on one task at a time, Her mind jumps. Now I could have either stood my ground and say a "Good woman should be able to blah, blah, blah" or I could get with her and come up with ways that allow our houshold to run smoothly. Which one works out better for our family of four? One size does not fit all in relationships or people.


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## Kobo

turnera said:


> Guys, the OP hasn't been back to answer questions. So you are all making assumptions without basis. Just wait for her to come back before you make declarations.


That's no fun


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## golfergirl

Kobo said:


> That's no fun


I guess I feel getting some things ready the night before is a choice. It's not a can or can't situation, it's a choice.
OP gave H a timeline. From now 8.5 months to completion. As a partner, she asked for his help for 8.5 months plus the time before. That's life. My H works night shift. I'm solely responsible for 2 children all night and day long while he sleeps. He has his responsibility, I have mine. Come November, I return to work and I'll be the one getting 2 kids ready for 7:30 drop off. Guess what? Got no choice, gotta do it. H has a saying, 'playing 5 minutes dumb saves you 10 minutes work'. I think OP's H has heard that before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo

Deejo said:


> Here are my takeaways:
> 
> 1. "We have a 2 year old daughter, who is so challenging." Don't know what you mean here. I have a special needs child. If that is also your case, then you should know full well ... there is no such thing as "on time." Getting dressed can be five minutes, or fifty.
> 
> 2. "He agreed to support me while I'm in school." And at the risk of sounding petty ... it sounds like you took that as absolute. Going so far as watching him struggle for OVER A YEAR ... but instead of offering a compromising solution, you stood by and watched him implode ... and hold him solely responsible.
> 
> 3.Relationship is strained, I don't know if I can forgive him. He seems depressed and avoidant ... making you resent him all the more.
> His being depressed sounds very likely, given his behavior and the outcome.
> 
> 
> Your alternatives are simple; leave him ... then you can figure all of the scheduling out by yourself and needn't worry about his tardiness.
> 
> Put up with him just long enough for you to finish school and get that PA job so you can stand on your own two feet ... then dump him.
> 
> Or ... talk with your husband. Find a solution. Find a compromise. Love and respect one another. Honor your marriage. Hold your family together. Build each other up, instead of tearing each other down.


Excellent post, especially what I quoted.


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## Kobo

golfergirl said:


> I guess I feel getting some things ready the night before is a choice. It's not a can or can't situation, it's a choice.
> OP gave H a timeline. From now 8.5 months to completion. As a partner, she asked for his help for 8.5 months plus the time before. That's life. My H works night shift. I'm solely responsible for 2 children all night and day long while he sleeps. He has his responsibility, I have mine. Come November, I return to work and I'll be the one getting 2 kids ready for 7:30 drop off. Guess what? Got no choice, gotta do it. H has a saying, 'playing 5 minutes dumb saves you 10 minutes work'. I think OP's H has heard that before.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Once again, you can feel that way. You don't have a time management problem and feel people who do are just lazy or unconcerned. You have every right to feel that way just know that you are incorrect. People with time management issues don't do things that allow them to be on time. That's the point. They don't have it in them. More than likely they're trying to catch up the night before and don't have the time to think ahead. They're in a cycle because they don't have that concept of time and the time it takes to do things. That's who they are. If you are in a relationship with them you can either work with them or drive yourself crazy. I'm talking from experience.


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## magnoliagal

Deejo said:


> If I was solely responsible for getting my kids up, dressed, and out the door EVERY DAY and expected to be at work on time EVERY DAY ... I wouldn't have a job either.


As always I love your posts and this one was no exception. This sentence stood out to me because this is my husband. He's a great guy, awesome, everyone likes him including me BUT getting a 2 year old to daycare and then to work on time EVERY DAY would never ever happen. He simply doesn't have the temperment to accomplish this and I know that. When I was working full time I'm the one who took both kids to daycare but I'm also the punctual, organized one. He isn't.

Had I chosen to go back to school I simply would have made other arrangements. Most daycares open at 6am or I would have hired a sitter. I would have never put this on my husband. And I still won't. It's why I'm a homemaker now. Until my kids are older and I'm able to juggle it all again I'm sitting tight. I'm fully aware that if I work I will have to do everything I do now AND work. I can get mad about it or I can accept it. I've chosen to accept it.


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## Deejo

magnoliagal said:


> As always I love your posts and this one was no exception. This sentence stood out to me because this is my husband. He's a great guy, awesome, everyone likes him including me BUT getting a 2 year old to daycare and then to work on time EVERY DAY would never ever happen. He simply doesn't have the temperment to accomplish this and I know that. When I was working full time I'm the one who took both kids to daycare but I'm also the punctual, organized one. He isn't.
> 
> Had I chosen to go back to school I simply would have made other arrangements. Most daycares open at 6am or I would have hired a sitter. I would have never put this on my husband. And I still won't. It's why I'm a homemaker now. Until my kids are older and I'm able to juggle it all again I'm sitting tight. I'm fully aware that if I work I will have to do everything I do now AND work. I can get mad about it or I can accept it. I've chosen to accept it.


Thanks Magnoliagal. Different perspectives are important. May not ultimately impact the outcome ... but they serve their purpose; providing the Original Poster with a variety of advice, options, and circumstances as experienced by others.

Would much rather see Shannon and her husband find a way to resolve their issues and recover their marriage than get bogged down in who is more at fault.


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## Acorn

If I had a spouse who apparently was solely responsible for child care, day care, earning income for the partnership, fixing the house on weekends, and tapping into spouse's parents nestegg to purchase a roof over my head... while my only responsibility was to study and satisfy my personal endeavors... I would be trying a lot harder trying to understand Hubby's side of this and make it work, because I would be thinking I have it pretty good. 

I guess everyone will look at things differently though.


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## Entropy3000

Shannon has made exactly one post


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

i know several men that would feel completely useless as a man if their wife made more money than them. with that said, maybe he didnt want his wife to finish school because that may put her as the main bread winner, and guys, we just cant have that now can we.
myself, i would welcome that with open arms and do all i could to help her out.
oh, plus i would feel it was my part to priority on things such as my family.

sounds like LAZINESS to me.
and funky priorities.


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## Syrum

Template said:


> I have lurked around TAM for a while and am really surprised that so many posters are blaming Shannon, so, given I have a lifetime of experience with just this situation, I decided to register and respond.
> Shannon, you have every right to feel betrayed and angry. Your husband has jeopardized the future of your family because he is incapable of getting out of bed and getting a 2 year old to daycare and himself to work on time. And now, he is content to be the stay at home guy, puttering around with projects instead of making a sincere effort to acquire employment.
> He is acting like a child, unable to sacrifice some comfort now so that your family will be more secure financially in the future (he will certainly reap the rewards of your education in your increased earnings and regular work hours). He should have done what it takes to fulfill the commitment he gave when you returned to school. Instead, he blames you for his job loss because he could not get to work on time AND get your child to daycare. Really?
> You certainly need to look at this experience and decide if you want to live it over and over in the future. It is a harbinger of things to come. If you give in on this issue, you will give in on the next and the next. Eventually, it will be easier to just do everything yourself, expecting no accountability from him, what so ever. Then, he will have you right where he wants you. You will be the adult in the relationship and you will be responsible for everything including his failures, which he will blame on you. I can tell you that will breed a huge load of resentment for you to carry and that resentment will drive a wedge into your relationship.
> My advice is to seek joint counseling as soon as you can afford it. Maybe your school offers some for free or at a low cost. You need to get your marital roles sorted out. Your husband needs help to grow up and accept responsibility for his actions and his role as an adult in the relationship. Once you can assess what your husband is willing to do to improve, you can decide if you want to continue down this road, fully embracing (and not resenting) that you will probably always carry more than 50% of the marital responsibilities, be unable to rely on him or trust him when he makes promises.
> I have lived this scenario for 40 years and it is an on going challenge to maintain love and forgiveness and push down feelings of betrayal and resentment.


:iagree:

And poor time management is a choice.

I know I am bad at it, so I put into play things that will make my day run smoother in the mornings and get me there on time. that is what reasonable [people do when they know they have difficulties with something.

People who are allways late are saying their time is more important then everybody elses and they can't be bothered to do the right thing.


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## Deejo

Well ... the speculation and judgement should be more than sufficient to scare off Shannon.

Still hope the two of you can work it out.


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