# Something has got to give. What should I do?



## x2startermom (Jan 8, 2010)

We've been married two years. Started but never finished the 5 Love Languages. Done counselling but he refuses to use the tools given by the counselor. I've pointed out blantly, requested, prayed and even tried to boycott his actions. Nothing seems to work. The one thing I have a problem with him is that he downright, completely refuses to clean. I mean if it's a whole room, he won't do it. Even if it is making the bed, he will not do it. I've discussed it with him over and over and he has yet to change his tune. Granted he will occassionally, when it fits him, help with the kids. If he does decide to help out and clean, he'll do about 1/4 to 1/2 of a full job. Most of what he does is sit on his but playing video games. He refuses to get another job. So far he does two jobs, military and Securitas


This weekend I remembered that he had the carseats, pack 'n' play and the stoller. Thankfully he didn't have to work until the next day. There LITERALLY wasn't anything stopping him from driving 'em down and dropping 'em off. He kept making excuses like he needed sleep or that their was no gas in the car. I told him that he could use the money in the account, about $300, to fill up the tank and that after he was done bringing the stuff down and got to his mother's he could sleep. After I showed him that there LITERALLY wasn't any reason to why he couldn't drop off the stuff he continued to put up a wall stating that it just wasn't plausable for him to come down. At this point I called him an idiot, hung up and threw my phone at the floor as hard as I could. A few minutes later I calmed down, picked up the phone, dealt with our children, called my father and requested that he come over. About 10 minutes later my dad arrives. I tell him exactly what happened. My father tells me to call him and allow him to talk to him. I do so, after a conversation of about 10 to 20 minutes does he agree to drop 'em off. When he did drop 'em off, he refused to talk to me or even acknowledge his children. He wouldn't even touch me or allow me to touch him. To me that is what hurt the most.


The way I see it is that he is more into games and getting away with doing as little as possible then dealing with his family. He consistantly will say that I'm the imature one. Excuse me, I don't see him dealing with twins all day long. At best he will take care of 'em during the night. Right now, they are sleeping through the night. They may wake up once or twice every three days or so. Oh! Also I've requested that he at minimum make breakfast, even if he works, just so I can take a shower and get ready for the day. He tells me that it is my job to do it, because of Pampered Chef. As of this moment, I'm doing two jobs, Melaleuca and Pampered Chef. I have yet to go out and make any REAL connections due to the children & the way the house is a majority of the time. the house is normally a pig-sty, unless I decide to do something about it. Each time I've told him about what his responsibilities are, he turns it around and tries to make me out as the spoiled, stubborn child.


Right now I'm at my limits, I don't know what I should. I've done everything thing I can think of and a few other people. As it stands I'm a stay at home mom of twins and don't think I could get back in the job market with them. They are 21 months old. OH! FYI there is still a few more things I have a problem with. Can someone please help me and tell me what I should do? At this point I know something has got to give, but what?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He does not respect you. I don't understand why an adult woman with children would call her dad to deal with her marital problems, and I wonder if that is tied to his lack of respect for you. You could try to do some individual counseling to develop some better life skills so that he sees you differently. You will have to develop those skills if you divorce him, anyway, so might as well give it a shot if you would prefer to remain married to him. You cannot make him change, and he may think he is just calling your bluff and you will give up and let him have his way out of fear of being alone.


----------



## x2startermom (Jan 8, 2010)

What life skills are you talking about? I've confronted him on numerous things and all he does is make me out to be the criminal. That is the reason why I called and had my dad deal with it. As he CLEARLY wasn't listening to me.


----------



## kalaina (Mar 29, 2010)

He just needs a rude awakening. I don't know what I would do if I didn't get help. You need to recruit someone. Something has to be done or you are going to go crazy. I think maybe it hasn't hit him yet that he has to do things even if he doesn't want to. Something big will have to happen, and I don't know what that is. If I think of something I will let you know. I'm really sorry though.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Life skills like, handling your own problems--being assertive, setting boundaries, earning an income and budgeting it wisely--all of these things are essential to earning self-respect and being able to stand up for yourself. There is no magic secret to "making him change." You need to decide if you want to live like this the rest of your life, or move on. If you choose to move on, he may panic and come back--but it won't last, perhaps, and you cannot keep playing this game with him. As the old saying goes, "Fish, or cut bait." Rather than saying something has to "give," say that something will change, and let him know what you are going to do if he does not get in the marriage and family 100%, permanently.


----------



## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

kalaina said:


> He just needs a rude awakening. I don't know what I would do if I didn't get help. You need to recruit someone. Something has to be done or you are going to go crazy. I think maybe it hasn't hit him yet that he has to do things even if he doesn't want to. Something big will have to happen, and I don't know what that is. If I think of something I will let you know. I'm really sorry though.


I agree. Push has to come to shove. 

My guess is that he is acting out about no longer being the only focus of your attention. And to avoid the responsibilities of having a wife and twins, he is acting like a child himself.

You are in a tough spot, because it WILL take something major to wake him up. Realize that whatever action you take, be prepared for him to call your bluff. If you threaten to leave or kick him out, you must be prepared to do it.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

:iagree:

And don't bring Momma and Daddy back into it. That's not making a stand - its tattling and getting them to solve your issues for you like when you were a child. You have your own children now, time to be an adult and stand on your own two feet.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point is, you NEED a husband who CARES about you and his kids and SKIPS everything else to ensure you have what you need. 

You married a child. Who has no interest in growing up and being responsible for the family he created.

Your best chance is to file for separation to ensure he will provide for his kids. If he wants to grow up, someday, he can always approach you again. He legally OWES his children financial support. While you learn how to get a real job to provide for them (I recommend going to community college).

In the meantime, YOUR most important job is to provide safety to those kids. Sorry, but that's where you're at.


----------

