# what to do when the passion is not there....



## baloo (May 19, 2010)

I have been married for almost 15 years. My wife claims to have had a low libido since we met, but admits to having had wild sex with the 2 other significant relationships before ours. She is a devout Catholic who only consented to pre-marital sex with those men because she believed at the time that she would marry each.

When we met, she seemed to enjoy heavy petting/making out, etc. but let me know that she had regretted her prior decisions, and would not have sex until after marriage. I could respect that, so I never pressured her to change her mind.

Once we were married, she seemed to relish the virginal notions, and sex became something we had every so often (about 6-8 weeks apart), but only if initiated by me (even then, at least 80 percent of my overtures were rebuffed politely or demurely).

This lack of interest in sex on her part continued over years that included therapy (for her - I was told by the therapist that she thought the issues were beyond me, and that my presence might inhibit any progress on my wife's part). Enthusiasm returned briefly when we decided to have our first child after more than five years of marriage, but soon departed once the pregnancy was confirmed (in her mind, pregnant Catholic women just do not have sex).

Flash forward to the present - we've made love less than 6 times in the last 18 months. She has orgasmed a couple times during that period through oral sex, and seemed genuinely amazed at how much fun we/she could have immediately after the more positive interludes. However, despite thinking that one good turn would lead to another (and more often), that has not proven to be the case.

We now have 2 children, and are still truly in love with each other (i.e., neither can see us having another life partner). But, I learned just this week that she does not find me sexy (although there are "things" about me she still finds sexy!?!). In a nutshell, she admitted to not feeling all that passionate with me (not news to me), and also stated that she does get horny/want sex - it's just that those feelings are not typically aroused by/with me. That was news to me, and once I began to get past the personal hurt of her comments, I was able to see how this can happen.

She thinks that I evoked those feelings once upon a time (mostly before the wedding), and claims to love me more than ever in every other way. Neither of us wants to divorce - we really do like living with each other and raising our children in and as a family. At the same time, each of us wants a sex life that is satisfying.

So, here is a problem - I still get quite excited at the thought of being with my wife, while she can't get past the feeling that our relationship works best at the fraternal level. She even wondered aloud if we should go on-line together to find a solution for our mutual, but not shared-for, horniness. I think she meant more in the line of looking into swinging as opposed to an open marriage where we "dated" others.

I have had more sexual partners than my wife (7 to her 3), and not all of those relationships included or hinted at the promise of marriage. I believe that I can separate the emotional and physical aspect of sex far easier than she (she believes that the presence of love played a major part in her ability to enjoy sex with her priors, whereas the presence of love when having sex has never been a requirement for me; an enhancement, for sure, but not an absolute must). I am open to expanding our intimacy to others in the hope that she will find that passion she has been missing.

She also wonders how she might feel about my sexiness if my physique were better - I am about 25 pounds heavier than when we first met, and certainly not as toned - she also enjoys fitness activities more than I - but I am by no means a blob or couch potato.

My questions are these -

Do I simply put my nose to the grindstone, cut out the carbs, and hit the gym until I regain the more svelte form of my youth - and ignore her thoughts about looking for satisfaction beyond our bedroom (where I have just learned that she is as dissatisfied with the quantity/quality as I am) - and remain hopeful that the passion will come back after gazing upon my 6-pack abs (!)?

Or, should we start to explore what external things (i.e., whatever other than me - whether it be toys, swinging, exhibitionism, etc.) might turn her on and go with it?

I am not saying that I won't work to improve my looks, but I am afraid that I could have Brad Pitt's body and it still might fail to make her drool. I think my ethics can tolerate and enjoy a less-than-traditionally monogamous event or two - or perhaps even a more significant and lasting change in our lifestyle (as could be enjoyed within our marriage). But I am concerned that my wife's Catholic guilt would manage to muck up whatever enjoyment we might be able to find for her, since such enjoyment is certain to exceed what the Roman Catholics would consider proper, appropriate, and okay to pursue.

Any thoughts or comments from others who have been in this situation are welcome!


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

I would most definitely caution any other people to be involved in your marriage. You definitely need to work out the issues that you guys are having with sex because I fear that involving anyone else will only bring heartache. There are times that I just do not want to have sex with my husband for one reason or the other, but I do. I think that withholding sex is a terrible thing that people do to each other. And I don't just lay there and grind my teeth until he's done either, I MAKE SURE that I get mine as well lol. Anyways, the reason that I have sex with him regardless is because I am supposed to be the only person he has sex with now. It's completely unfair for me to have married him, promising him fidelity and him promising it in return and then oh, oops honey sorry I'm just no longer in the mood. Very poor logic there. I think she needs to work out whatever her issues are and start having fun in bed. 

I"m not catholic, I'm a baptist so while I don't completely understand the catholic mindset with sex I do understand the religious factors that can play into it with the purity and all of that. The fact is, you guys are married and sex needs to be happening. I say do whatever it is you need to do to get things going again. Yes, workout and look good for her AND for yourself. Don't expect that to be a bandaid for this though. 

While I haven't been in your particular situation, my best friend is in the situation with her husband and she doesn't want to have sex with him. She has come up with a million different reasons why but I always tell her the same thing, you're the only person he's allowed to be with now and it is unfair that you hold out. I do not think it should be a submissive wife just taking it situation either- do not mistake me there. That thinking drives me crazy. I just think that sometimes we wives need to remember that our husbands need sex and we are the only person she should be with. If cheating doesn't bother you, well that's a whole other issue. The fact that you have been married so long with so little sex is a testament to how much you love your wife. 

There are many different things you can play with and discover. Make your wife want you again. Find out what does turn her on and what makes her go crazy and do that for her. If she's reading romance novels, take a peak and find a few of the sexy pages and see what's going on there. She said she gets hot for SOMETHING find out WHAT and make it YOU. Hope you get it all figured out!!


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Did I read that correctly where she uses her religion as an excuse for not desiring sex with you, but somehow going online fore 'other releases' doesn't seem to be too far outside of the God box for her? That looks like a red flag for me bud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingmommy (May 20, 2010)

yeah I have to agree with josh...


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## MarlonFamilton (May 15, 2010)

If she is open to other types of relationships, then she is using poor excuses about being with you. It's been suggested that less than once-per-month is a sexless marriage. David Snarch, who's model of couples work I do not follow but who still has advice I like, in his book Passionate Marriage says something like.. the person who wants sex least, controls sex in the marriage. In a marriage where one person wants sex and the other does not, it is not okay _not_ to have sex. 

The issue of sex in marriage has been big in churches lately. There is a whole program created around pushing the idea that sex is part of a marriage among religious couples - however I know there are issues around contraception in the catholic church. Does she want to avoid sex because she doesn't want to get pregnant and refuses to use birth control?

My hunch is she has deep deep shame around herself, her body and/or what sex means. I'd want to know more about her family of origin history and wonder if there is sexual abuse somewhere. Something here doesn't add up.

What to do? You might choose to accept her frequency. You might be calm and collaborative, yet firm that this doesn't work for you and that you need to be intimate with her for an agreeable frequency each week or month. I would think it very important to see a sex therapist as there might be issues or beliefs around sex that can be softened.

If she truly is not turned on by you, which is hard to imagine as she married you, had kids with you and does have sex occasionally (even fun sex?), then you might have to decide how important sex is for you. You wouldn't be the first person to leave a marriage for lack of intimacy.

~Marlon


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to the book store and buy 52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex. It's the best thing you'll ever do for your sex life.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I hope you don't mind me being brutally honest, but I think she just wanted to get married. Some women are like that. Not all, but many are brought up to believe being married (and having children) should be a woman's ambition in life. And, if she is not married (and not married by a certain age), then she is not complete, not secure, and not really sane. So, you came along, and she would have married you no matter what. She would have married you if she couldn't stand you. She would have married you if you beat her every day. She would have married you if you were already 25 lbs overweight when she met you. Honestly, 25 pounds is not so much that suddenly you don't turn her on. The truth is, she was never turned on by you. But believe it or not, that is not the biggest part of the issue. It's actually the smallest and least significant.

I am a woman who was accustomed to the attentions of good-looking men. However, it was a man who was overweight by 50 lbs (and was not good looking in addition to the weight) that showed me how wonderful sex can be. To look at him, I was not sexually attracted to him, but I liked his friendliness, I liked his intelligence (was working on his Ph.D), I liked his devotion to pursuing me, and I liked his smile. I liked how he made love to my mind and I liked his confidence. It was all those things that won me over, but it was his prowess in bed that made me sexually attracted to him. In other words, I became a sexually satisfied woman who couldn't get enough of him.

Do you get my message, or shall I explain further?


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

As someone else already said it's strange that she would use her Catholicism as an excuse for not wanting sex then suggest to open the door to being with other sexual partners!! It's pretty ludicrous. 

I think going outside your marriage for this will be the beginning of the end IMO. I don't think this usually ends well. 

It may do a lot to simply start working on yourself, do it for you though, not just for more sex. If you actually get into some activities and start exercising regularly that may naturally get her more into you. Start going to the gym and find a physical activity you will enjoy like racquetball or tennis or something like that. It can't hurt and if nothing else at least you'll have something to focus some of that energy on! 
With all that said I think she's been very manipulative of you from the beginning. It's not normal for newly wed couples to have sex once every 6-8 weeks! 

Maybe you could just try bringing some other things into the bedroom (dildos, vibrators, other toys, etc) for some variety. It doesn't bother me at all to have my wife orgasm with a vibrator, I love my wife getting off no matter how she does it as long as I get my turn too


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