# Masturbation and Conscience



## UrkedBayou (May 7, 2010)

Hello everyone!

Been married 5 yrs, my wife and I have great sex. No complaints.

I try to steer clear of porn (never been a porned-out dude really) because my wife saw porn on my comp once and it really upset her. 

However, most (if not all) of us know what its like when we're horny and our partner isnt around or sex isnt possible for w/e reason. And on those occasions its gotta be "me time" right?

So, pretty standard stuff. Problem is i feel bad about it when I do masturbate. Most of the time I can actually think about my wife when masturbating (no guilt there!). But sometimes I give in and think of someone else or break down and look at porn.

This makes me feel really bad cuz i know if my wife knew about it, even tho its only occasional, it would hurt her feelings. Also Im Christian and theres tho whole "thinking it = adultery" thing.

So, I guess im just looking for peoples' thoughts on this. Is my outlook flawed? Anything I should be doing differently?

Thanks


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

On the times when I cannot have sex and when my wife doesn't help I do take matters into my own hands. I think masturbation is a perfectly healthy and normal thing to do if it's kept within limits. If you find yourself masturbating multiple times a day, etc you may have a problem. So in and of itself masturbation is harmless and a healthy thing to do.

If your wife doesn't like porn and she's expressed her dislike for it then I would try to avoid it. Not because of any inherent evilness of porn. But simply because your spouse has an issue with it.

As far using your imagination? That's just want it is, imagination. I am a Christian myself. When you imagine what X woman looks like nude (or what your doing to that woman) would you ever actually do it? At any point in your life would you ever consider doing those things with another woman? If you aren't then you are not thinking about being adulterous. You are just being visual and being imaginative. I do not see anything adulterous about this at all.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I get it, I'm a christian as well but admittedly a very bad one. I do look at porn and maybe I should but I really don't feel guilty about it. 

My wife has an extremely low sex drive compared to me and it's been an issue through our whole marriage. I was looking at porn before I married my wife and after we got together we never had what I would consider a satisfying sex life. 

It's a calamity because God made us how we are which is very visually stimulated. If we aren't seeing it like then we have to be very creative with our imaginations but I think it takes a lot more effort to be turned on by a thought opposed to seeing something. (i.e. are you more turned on by seeing your wife naked or thinking about her naked?) So it makes perfect sense that it's hard for you to get stimulated by only fantasizing about her. 

I don't feel guilty about porn or fantasizing about other women because it never takes away intimacy or love from my wife. I would NEVER choose porn over my wife, I would NEVER choose masturbation over having sex with my wife, not ever. I think that's when it becomes a problem. When you hear stories about women being deprived of sex only to find out their husbands use porn to get off, that's horrible. Or when the porn use escalates into infidelity of any kind. But to be used to stimulate your mind so you can have a release that your wife is unwilling to provide isn't a bad thing at all IMHO. 

If my wife wants me to stop using porn I will be more than happy to. Just as soon as she makes sure that she's taking care of my sexual needs adequately. Seems perfectly fair and reasonable to me. 

So as far as I'm concerned you are taking it too far. I don't think there is a reason to feel guilty about fantasizing to get sexual release, period.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

UrkedBayou, are you sure your wife would have a problem with you masturbating once in a while? It seems natural, pleasurable and sensible to me if for whatever reason you can't make love and feel frustrated. I don't know of any prohibition in the Bible...And "thinking it = adultery" seems like a harsh rationale to me - we can't police our feelings like this all the time. Maybe there's a creative way to turn this around so you don't feel conflicted and your wife doesn't feel excluded - how about you do some tastefully-shot pics of her? Just a thought...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

steve71 said:


> I don't know of any prohibition in the Bible...And "thinking it = adultery" seems like a harsh rationale to me - we can't police our feelings like this all the time.


 I totally agree this is HARSH , but it IS definetly taught in many Christian circles - using this Scripture Matt 5:28: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart".

Heck, "the Way of the Master" Tv show with Kirk Cameron uses this scripture to inform you YOU are a SINNER deserving of Hell, cause EVERY man has done this. 

Check out this Christian Sex board - The Marriage Bed • Index page They even have a "Masterbation" board but I think you have to become a member to access it. 

I stumbled upon this one day & started reading some of the posts on here, the majority even feel it is sin to masterbate & think lustily of your fiance/soon to be bride. I think that is simply Crazy. I think many are denying reality or simply lying. Even my Christian son admits he can not masterbate without "thinking" lustful thoughts. 
To think upon another women-while married , Oh My, post those thoughts on here and see how Beat up you get. Seriously. I posted something on there & Oh Lord, I was asking to be crucified. 

I agree with all the other posters on here >>> So long as you are not denying your spouse, it does not become an Obsession, and it is not leading you to being unfaithful. I think it is a God Given gift. Only YOU really know if the porn use might be taking your affection & Passion from your marraige. 

For some of us, it has "enhanced" it.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

From a Christian perspective, lingering/lusting over another woman besides your wife IS sexual sin, those are Jesus' words not mine ("It is written 'you shall not commit adultery', but I tell you the truth, if any man has looked at another woman and lusted then he has allready commited adultery in his heart." from the Sermon on the Mount). 

I do masturbate, but my wife is always the object of my fantasy. Now I might sometimes imagine different things with her, different settings/stories/events/sexual acts etc, etc, etc. But she is always the object i try to focus on. 

That said none of us are perfect, and yes I was addicted to porn in the past. Even then though I always tried to find stuff were the actress reminded me of my wife so I could visualise her. 

Not passing judgment on anyone who doesn't profess Christianity, but just stating the facts for those who do.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Just another way to think about this... 

Perhaps Jesus said this to normalize others who were passing out judgment? Pointing out that it was not their place to judge others?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I don't think you are bad for it. Masturbation to me is the same as pounding a beer... it's a form of relief and relaxation. Self pleasure is totally normal and healthy in moderation. I am a woman and I know I do it way more than my husband and I watch porn but he doesn't. To me men are built to pursue women and to breed. I know it's a raw term but if you look at it from a biological perspective... it's true. Most animals in nature are not monogamous and it's for the reason of survival of the species. If you want to inject god into te equation... if you asked me he set us up for failure by dropping us in "nature" where open mating rituals happen every day. So are animals sinners and influenced by the devil? Its something to think about. Its wonderful that we have marriage and I am all for the safety and security that comes along with monogamy. But I certainly understand there are urges in all of us to admire and see beautiful people we dream of being with. Its those who commit to someone and THEN physically cheat that seem to cause the most damage and sin from a moral perspective. 
I agree with another user's comment- maybe you shouldn't watch porn because it bothers your spouse and its obvious you respect her. If you cant both foresee porn as simply an arrousal tool to use in the marriage then best to omit it. But, I believe you should be aloud to have a certain amount of privacy within your marriage and time with yourself such as masturbation. Life is so difficult at times and everyone emotionally needs their own space and time. If you are loyal to your wife and a good husband then I dont see harm in self pleasure. 
I too come from a christian background (baptist) but I dont have complete faith in the bible only because its been in so many hands and I am not convinced that every person that wrote in it was "sane". In a mental hospital everyone thinks they are jesus. I dont mean to offend bible followers as its merely my own belief and opinion to be taken with a grain of salt. 
I hope you find the clarity you are seeking and make a choice you can live with happily. =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Take a different approach. If you are going to view pornography - make your spouse the subject of the content you view. If you have an open and healthy sex life, hopefully you can discuss this with her and she will be open to, or prefer the notion of you looking at images or movies of her rather than some anonymous porn chick. You spice up your love life and stay within the purview of avoiding lustful sin. Win/Win.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelieswithin said:


> To me men are built to pursue women and to breed. I know it's a raw term but if you look at it from a biological perspective... it's true. Most animals in nature are not monogamous and it's for the reason of survival of the species. If you want to inject god into te equation... if you asked me he set us up for failure by dropping us in "nature" where open mating rituals happen every day. So are animals sinners and influenced by the devil? Its something to think about.


 I think like this also, it is Reasonable. It allows for us to view our Creator "Reasonable" as well that we recognoize HE bestowed this very "nature" inside of us & that it is not blatant sin to want to explore these feelings, these desires. 

Of coarse it is also Reasonable & Good to have set "Boundaries" for healthy relationships & a peaceful loving society, as well as raising children. Monogamy should always be strived for. But seriously, what a cruel joke to give us all these Raging Hormones only to demand we stuff them down, repress them & feel somehow we are more Holy than the next guy because we are "suffering" for Christ somehow. 

There are accually various Christian interpretations on Masterbation & the Lust = Adultery scripture Matt 5:28 that trips every man up on the face of the earth, or nearly every man. I agree with the more liberal take on these things obviously. 

Lust = Adultery interpretations: (Scroll down to #2 - Handling feelings of Lust). 

Jesus' Attitudes Towards Sex

Masterbations interpretations: 

Did Jesus forbid masturbation in the Gospel of Matthew?

A conservative Biblical appraoch for singles to engage in Non-sinful Masterbating is here: 

Is Masturbation a Sin? For teens and their parents


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

OK, here we go... LOL. 

Do I believe that masturbation is a sin. Depends. You covet another that is not your wife, then yes. Does it happen? I am sure it does. And I believe that is why you feel guilty. Would you tell your wife that you are thinking of that other person when you MB? How would she take it? So even if you take the christian part out of it. How would you feel if your wife was MB to some other guy? 
Ever think of talking to your wife about you having a higher drive than her? I know it is hard, and I have done that same thing. In fact I do not regret it at all. Because it opened doors between her and I that I just have to read books to keep up with her (LOL. That was a joke). But seriously. When I learned that I needed to be more open to concerns with my wife, it usually opens up to her and I working together. And a much deeper relationship.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I totally agree this is HARSH , but it IS definetly taught in many Christian circles - using this Scripture Matt 5:28: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart".
> 
> Heck, "the Way of the Master" Tv show with Kirk Cameron uses this scripture to inform you YOU are a SINNER deserving of Hell, cause EVERY man has done this.
> 
> ...


Hi SimplyAmorous - I agree entirely: masturbation is an enhancing activity. And having skimmed through the various links you've posted - so full of strictures and prohibitions - I'll go further and say that i regard sexual fantasy as a deeply enriching, creative mode of experience. I think of it as a positive sexual meditation as well as a way of dealing with eruptions of lust. Are those who are single or in broken relationships really to be denied simple sexual pleasures?

I guess for lovers and married couples masturbation and sexual fantasy are at their most exalted when focussed upon the beloved. That's why I suggested to the OP that he might consider sharing these acts of devotion with his wife by means of creating their own wholesome erotica.

I'm a Brit, an agnostic and I work in the arts. US-style full-Bible Christianity and its exacting moral imperatives are not very familiar over here. (But I do have American Christian friends of that persuasion who have no reservation whatever about the pleasures of fantasy and masturbation). For me making pictures of feelings and experiences which are beyond words is a challenge without equal. And so I celebrate what I consider to be warmly affirmative wholesome erotica - and abhor the cold industrialized pornography and especially the plague-proportion abuse of sexuality in advertising which diminishes us all...yet isn't condemned so often...I wonder why?


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