# Confused by his current actions.



## Left With 4.5

I may be posting this in the wrong section but I've been a little confused with my husband's action these past 3 weeks. 

A little background, married 20 years, 4 kids. He was having a EA/PA with his hs school gf for 8 months before I found out. Kicked him out and served him papers. 

We were not on speaking terms and argued every time we tried to talk. Anyways, it all started with my birthday. He showed up with my favorite flowers and a tiny cake. He gave me several hugs and the last one, he said "Happy Birthday, I love you." It was a shocker, but i let that go. 

Little stuff here and there since then. I can't remember exactly what they were, but it was stuff that kinda made me wonder what the heck was going on with him. 

Yesterday, he came over to see the kids and he hugged me (been doing that a lot these past 3 weeks) and was stroking my arms saying that he doesn't like arguing with me and that he was looking at old pictures of us the night before. He said, "We used to get along so well." I replied, "Yes, we did until I found out you were fooling around." I don't ever hug him back and I don't look at him. I can't...I get sick to my stomach when I see his face. I've lost all respect for him. To top all this yesterday, he STAYED for dinner! He hasn't done that since June! 

What i'm confused with is why is he making an attempt to be nice now? Is it the roller coaster thing cheaters go through? Is his AP not working out? I am not ready to let him back in my life and right now, I don't want to work anything out with him IF that is what he's trying to do. 

I want to know, have any of you gone thru this? What is going on? How should I read this? I'm staying strong and not letting all this make me weak. I'm pretty sure he's still with his OW btw.


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## LookingForTheSun

Just ask him - what the heck are you doing? What do you want? I don't remember us making up or you groveling and telling me how sorry you were you betrayed me and your children - what are you tring to do, because I'm not buying it?!?

Sounds like he is playing you and he is eithr on the outs w/the OW or just wants to have both. Don't give in. Find out what is going on. Don't show weakness. Show indifference.


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## Hope1964

Besides words, is he DOING anything to indicate that he might actually be truly remorseful?

I kicked my husband out on Dday also, but we went to MC and he did IC and a whole lot of other stuff before I would even consider taking him back.


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## Left With 4.5

Looking - I thought about asking him all those questions, but right now, I don't really want to know. I don't know if I make any sense as to why I don't want to know, but for my sanity, I think not knowing anything and keeping my ground is safe. I'm just observing. 

Hope - i'm not sure if he's doing anything that's showing he's truly remorseful. He did apologize 2 weeks prior to my birthday, for all the lying, cheating, and tears he caused me; but he went right back to being a jerk after. That's until my birthday. IDK if him staying over for dinner (I didn't ask him, he just hung around and not leave at his normal time.) is his first step of reaching out to me and the kids? No idea.


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## Hope1964

Left With 4.5 said:


> Hope - i'm not sure if he's doing anything that's showing he's truly remorseful. He did apologize 2 weeks prior to my birthday, for all the lying, cheating, and tears he caused me; but he went right back to being a jerk after. That's until my birthday. IDK if him staying over for dinner (I didn't ask him, he just hung around and not leave at his normal time.) is his first step of reaching out to me and the kids? No idea.


Him staying for dinner probably just means he was hungry.

Apologizing means nothing. He needs to DO something like offer up all his passwords, do some counseling, take you on dates, buy you stuff, offer to get STD tested, etc etc etc.


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## Left With 4.5

Hope1964 said:


> Him staying for dinner probably just means he was hungry.
> 
> Apologizing means nothing. He needs to DO something like offer up all his passwords, do some counseling, take you on dates, buy you stuff, offer to get STD tested, etc etc etc.


Very true! He did complain that he was skimping on lunch and dinners! hahaha

OK, so he hasn't done anything. He just told me that he's been seeing a psychiatrist lately for himself. So whatever issues he's working on for himself is good. I'm staying out of that and continuing on my path.


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## vi_bride04

Left With 4.5 said:


> Very true! He did complain that he was skimping on lunch and dinners! hahaha
> 
> OK, so he hasn't done anything. He just told me that he's been seeing a psychiatrist lately for himself. So whatever issues he's working on for himself is good. I'm staying out of that and continuing on my path.


Good idea. The second you start caring about his actions lately and you start to bring up those types of conversations with him will just leave you feeling depleted, hurt, confused and angry. Especially if he is still with OW. He may just be realizing the grass isn't greener on the other side...

I love to hear you are just observing and still focusing on you. Alot of other BS's lately seem to be jumping towards possible R with the small crumbs they are thrown by the WS. 

And thats all these past 3 weeks have been from him to you - crumbs. You've read enough stories on TAM I'm sure to realize what the WS must do for a successful R. So far he is just spouting words. You deserve so much more.


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## Left With 4.5

vi_bride04 said:


> Good idea. The second you start caring about his actions lately and you start to bring up those types of conversations with him will just leave you feeling depleted, hurt, confused and angry. Especially if he is still with OW. He may just be realizing the grass isn't greener on the other side...
> 
> I love to hear you are just observing and still focusing on you. Alot of other BS's lately seem to be jumping towards possible R with the small crumbs they are thrown by the WS.
> 
> And thats all these past 3 weeks have been from him to you - crumbs. You've read enough stories on TAM I'm sure to realize what the WS must do for a successful R. So far he is just spouting words. You deserve so much more.


That's what I was afraid of doing. I didn't want to start caring and have all those negative feelings again. I've worked too hard to get myself into a better/stronger me. YES, I've read a lot here on TAM that had helped me through and got me stronger. I DO know what he needs to do for a R. I was just confused as to if this is how it starts for a R for some. Crumbs at first then transparency.


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## jdlash

If they throw crumbs at first and you don't jump to them, you more then likely have a better chance at getting the real remorse down the road and a possible R. IMO.


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## brokenbythis

aahh 4.5 we really do lead similar lives! My ex has been doing the same stuff lately. Texts telling me what he would do differently, hanging around, bringing me lunch, coffees, etc. 

Who the hell knows what's going on in their pea-brains! Just listen, don't respond and see what happens. He (and my ex) need to do some SERIOUS things to even start any sort of reconciliation.

My best guess is: they miss their family, their life, their money  The grass is not greener. Maybe they are realizing the huge mistake they made.


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## Left With 4.5

brokenbythis said:


> aahh 4.5 we really do lead similar lives! My ex has been doing the same stuff lately. Texts telling me what he would do differently, hanging around, bringing me lunch, coffees, etc.
> 
> Who the hell knows what's going on in their pea-brains! Just listen, don't respond and see what happens. He (and my ex) need to do some SERIOUS things to even start any sort of reconciliation.
> 
> My best guess is: they miss their family, their life, their money  The grass is not greener. Maybe they are realizing the huge mistake they made.


Hi Broken! Haven't seen you in a while! I think in my spouse's case, he is missing the $$ Money more than anything.


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## brokenbythis

My ex is dead flat broke. He recently rented an apartment and asked me for rent & deposit money. He also failed to pay our son's tuition on time. 

He rented the apartment on a month to month basis to "see what happens"! Can you believe it?

All his years of work and study and promotions and he's as broke as he was when he was in college. All because of his bad choices.

The grass is not greener, it's dead!


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## Left With 4.5

brokenbythis said:


> My ex is dead flat broke. He recently rented an apartment and asked me for rent & deposit money. He also failed to pay our son's tuition on time.
> 
> He rented the apartment on a month to month basis to "see what happens"! Can you believe it?
> 
> All his years of work and study and promotions and he's as broke as he was when he was in college. All because of his bad choices.
> 
> *The grass is not greener, it's dead!*


Apparently so!


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## Left With 4.5

I am just frustrated now. I need to set boundaries. He was here for a couple of hours to see the kids. He brought a sandwich for us to share for lunch and helped himself to the refrigerator a couple of times as if he still lived here. I really have a problem with that. I didn't say anything to him about it today, but maybe I should say something the next time? 

I see signs of wanting to cake eat. What do you think?


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## vi_bride04

"I am not ok with you going through the house like you still live here"

I agree with the cake eating. You guys weren't on speaking terms and now he thinks b/c he was nice to you for a few weeks he can act "normal" for a couple hours...?


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## Left With 4.5

vi_bride04 said:


> "I am not ok with you going through the house like you still live here"
> 
> I agree with the cake eating. You guys weren't on speaking terms and now he thinks b/c he was nice to you for a few weeks he can act "normal" for a couple hours...?


Thank you! I am not okay with it and I will make it end the next time he comes and sees the kids. Unless he shows true remorse or whatever you call it, I'm not going to let him do that to me and the kids.


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## brokenbythis

I totally agree 4.5. Don't let him think he can destroy your family, hurt and lie to you then waltz on back in the house and help himself whenever he feels like it.

You should ask him how his girlfriend is! I asked my ex that the other day, he replied "I don't have a girlfriend".

He's coming over to take me out to lunch today. I just listen and watch and have no expectations. You are right: he needs to show true remorse and do a LOT of things to even begin to make up for the hurt he's caused his family. It's a long road and he needs to do a lot of work, and hell, maybe you need to do just a little too (I know I do) but it's not impossible to mend it. My rule is work on my own stuff, and have no expectations from him in regards to getting back together. Just see what happens. He has been expressing a lot of remorse lately, and saying how sorry he is for neglecting me and lying to me and not talking to me. He has also been telling me how he would do things differently if we got back together....

The saga continues!


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## Left With 4.5

She's still in the picture. He told my daughter that if she lives with him, he will break up with his girlfriend. He's been telling my daughter all this time that he didn't have a girlfriend! What a you know what.


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## brokenbythis

Yes typical. What a piece of work these guys are. Well get this: yesterday he takes me to lunch and a movie, we had a great time, talked a bit about stuff.

Today he picks up our son for visitation at noon. He never tells me how he spends his time and I don't ask.

I spend the day out, went shopping, had coffee with a friend. Late this afternoon I stop at the local grocery store to pick up a few things and I see his car. I see a car next to his with a woman and a child getting into it. Anyway I pull up next to him to say hi and he looks shocked. I asked what are you doing here (his apartment is 10 miles away). My son blurts out "we're dropping ..... and ....... off to get their car". ... and ... is the woman I thought he was seeing and her daughter. By this time she's left the parking lot. I say so how come you are all here? He says we all went to so and so for the pumpkin patch. They've spent the day together. I was fuming. I said well have a nice night and see you later, to my son and drove off. 

Ive been lied to and led along once again. About 30 mins later I sent him a text saying I thought you didn't have a girlfriend. He replied she invited us to go. I replied I'm changing the locks, when you bring our son's stuff back from visitation leave it in the garage and do not come into my house again. Don't call me or text me unless its to do with our son. I said I was disgusted with myself for being such a trusting fool and for all the nice things I've done for him lately. He turned it around on me (as usual) and said I thought you did nice things for me because you were a nice person. What a nerve.

Just last night I made a big bowl of spagetti from scratch for him to take home because he had told me me lives on junk food. I did it out of kindness and an attempt to do something nice for him. Now I feel like dumping the spagetti all over his sleazy head.

I'm so sick of this yo-yo rollercoaster. I really think I need to cut all contact and file for divorce. It hurts because things were seeming to get better and he was doing lots of things that indicated that he wanted to mend our relationship.

Old dog learns no new tricks. I'm so done with him.


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## Left With 4.5

Broken, I am so sorry to read all that! I don't get why they keep putting us in that yo-yo roller coaster. Well, I do...we let them!! 

My ex tells me he's living on baloney sandwiches and the very next day, he shows up in a new hat and buying the girls toys from the Disney store. I don't listen when he gives me that boo hoo story anymore. 

Have you contacted the OW at all? Is she married?


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## Left With 4.5

So I told him nicely and reminded him what boundaries I have at the house. I live with his mom, so in a way it is still 'his' house. He can go anywhere downstairs but is not allowed upstairs, where the kids and I live. He got mad but hey, it is what it is. 

BTW, he told me he's on medication now.


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