# Finding other people sexy?



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Hi all, so this is more of a general question for all married people - do you sometimes find other people sexy or attractive? My husband and I recently had a discussion about this and both of us seem to think that this is a difficult question to answer. His opinion was that he might look at someone and think 'she's sexy' but would never compare her with me or choose to act on that thought. 

What is your opinion? is it ok/acceptable in your marriage to find others attractive? What does your spouse think?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Aburjwal said:


> is it ok/acceptable in your marriage to find others attractive? What does your spouse think?


I'd say it's normal and natural, and so does my spouse. It's only unacceptable to act on it without permission.

Also, comparing (other than in your own mind) is a good way to damage your relationship. Build each other up and cherish what you have - don't ever put each other down.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Of course, you are always going to encounter some individuals who you find sexy and attractive, whether married or not. It’s biological, and you really have no control over feeling an attraction at an instinctual level. It’s how we’re wired.

That said, it’s WHAT you do with those “normal” feelings of attraction that determine whether or not you are a quality person or an assclown.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Aburjwal said:


> Hi all, so this is more of a general question for all married people - do you sometimes find other people sexy or attractive? My husband and I recently had a discussion about this and both of us seem to think that this is a difficult question to answer. His opinion was that he might look at someone and think 'she's sexy' but would never compare her with me or choose to act on that thought.
> 
> What is your opinion? is it ok/acceptable in your marriage to find others attractive? What does your spouse think?


In my opinion, it's natural and no problem to notice that someone is pretty or sexy. If I notice something, that thought is fleeting and not important. However, it's a problem if one continues to reminisce about it long after that moment has passed. Again, this is only my opinion for myself and my relationship. There is not a right answer that everyone will agree with.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sure, I find other women sexy, but that doesn't mean that I actually want to have sex with them.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Sure, I find other women sexy, but that doesn't mean that I actually want to have sex with them.


No way to state this more simply... and accurately than this. 

The world is full of beautiful people. Chemistry will cause reactions no matter what we do. It's how we react that matters. 

We were just watching the olympics and my wife was admiring all the bobsledder's butts. Yes, these guys have brick bottoms. I'm thrilled that she still notices such things. I'm the only recipient of actions, and she doesn't spend her nights pining away for olympic bobsleddders, so there's no problem.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Married- 30+ years

Human-Yes

Dead- No

Window shopping- OK

In front of wife- Pain of death!!!

Trying on for fit/size- Divorce

Doing so and tripping and falling- Hilarious/Humiliating

Everybody does this


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

At the heart of this question is a basic difference in the way men and women think. Women are always comparing. How much time he spends with her compared to how much time he spends with his mother. How many times he glances at someone else compared to how many glances she gets. and so on. There is a constant running tally going in her mind often subconsciously. Because there is always this competition going on in women's minds, they think that men are the same way, but we aren't. Men are collectors. We are walking down the street and we see a beautiful woman, We take a mental snapshot, and add it to our collection. We are watching a movie and some actress says something sexy or provocative, We make a quick mental recording and add it to the collection. And so on. 

The trouble comes when we try to mesh those two types of thinking. He is busily collecting images and she is watching him paying attention to everyone but her. She says, "you think she is better than me" , He says, "no, she is pretty, but you are the one I love" And very strangely both are true. The other woman may indeed be prettier than the connected woman, but the wife, girlfriend, committed partner, is much more important to him.

Quite frankly, most men, as they get older get enough shaming that they give up collecting. Due to their lowered activity level, their libido drops, and their wife, who is still comparing like crazy, starts thinking he has lost interest in her. 

Reject this theory at your own peril.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think in healthy relationships its generally OK to be attracted to other people as long as there is no hint of action. I would advise against expressing that you find a friend attractive because it would be easy to act on that, but an actor - sure. 

My wife thinks John Snow (Game of thrones) is hot. That's fine. I have a certain liking for Deanerys Stormborn. Fine with her -the odds that either of us would ever be in a situation where we could act on that attraction are essentially zero.

Its not a case of comparing - finding one person hot doesn't mean you don't find your partner attractive. In fact for me there are many different types of attractive, and I don't and in fact can't compare different people on some sort of scale.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I may notice a good looking man just as I may notice a pretty lady, but that's as far as it goes. I have no interest in any other man. I would simply look away and not give him another thought. Its when we let thoughts dwell and grow that there is an issue.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Aburjwal said:


> is it ok/acceptable in your marriage to find others attractive?


As far as I'm concerned, it's not voluntary. And therefore it doesn't make sense to consider it acceptable or not acceptable.


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## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

Yes but that doesn't mean that you act on it . Just because we get married doesn't mean we go blind. It's perfectly ok to admire someone for their attractiveness as long as you do not disrespect your spouse or make them feel inadequate or insecure when doing so. You can look but don't touch. As long as you don't allow yourself to cross the line.

Nothing's wrong with appreciating the beauty of others when you see it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Of course. Many beautiful people in the world. They are to be looked at! you just don’t act on those desires if married


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

When I was married, of course there were other women who I found attractive. I'm not ashamed to say that I noticed. But I was *married* and I discarded any such notice as quickly as it came. I considered myself off limits and everyone else other than my wife off limits. I didn't even entertain the notion of a female friend and never flirted. But, too bad my XWW didn't see things the same way.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

As I've said in other post ....

I hope my wife notices attractive men. I'd rather be with a woman that is a container of passion rather than a cold icebox. I myself notice attractive women.

Acting on it is a completely different story.

Marriage doesn't change to complexities of Biology.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Noticing and staring are not the same.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Noticing and staring are not the same.


I stare at the floor, at the dog, at my hands for exactly this reason!!

My eyes are controlled by two people. Guess 'who' they are?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Of course I find people sexy. Even find voices sexy. My wife knows I like Katy Perry not really because I think she makes great music, but because I think her voice sounds so damn sexy. She's attractive herself which doesn't hurt, but I don't really watch music videos. Its just something about her voice when she sings that I can't get over. There's been other singers I thought had sexy voices too that I didn't find attractive so I don't think it would be any different if I didn't find Katy attractive. Is it weird to get turned on by a voice? I don't know. But damnit its so sexy to me. 

Of course I look, am I a man or not? My T levels are fine. I'm high drive. I can't help but notice hot girls. It would be silly to expect a healthy man to never look. I don't see how a guy can look at say Shakira for example, and not find her incredibly attractive. She is sooooooo fine!

My wife is more about characters. She finds certain actors attractive, but she is more about the parts someone plays in particular movies. Basically, its not looks for her its the way a man carries himself. His decisions and actions. The way he speaks to his woman. The strength and unwavering loyalty and dedication. She can watch lord of the rings and fawn all over Aragorn for example. Looks alone, Viggo he might not do anything for her. But his role as Aragorn, that particular character is sexy as hell to her.

So she probably isn't the type to look at a guy and think he's super hot. She's more of the type to find someone attractive if they meet certain personality traits and stuff like that. Sort of a quiet, mysterious, confidence. 

Doesn't bother me at all one way or the other. We are humans. We have healthy sex drives.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

As a teen, I mentioned this concept to my mom.

With regard to my Dad, she said "If he no longer notices such things, he's of no use to me."

They set a good example for being of the combination of absolute fidelity and still being human.


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## MLK22 (Jan 13, 2015)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> My wife is more about characters. She finds certain actors attractive, but she is more about the parts someone plays in particular movies. Basically, its not looks for her its the way a man carries himself. His decisions and actions. The way he speaks to his woman. The strength and unwavering loyalty and dedication. She can watch lord of the rings and fawn all over Aragorn for example. Looks alone, Viggo he might not do anything for her. But his role as Aragorn, that particular character is sexy as hell to her


That is SO me. Take the movie Troy... Orlando, Brad and uh... Eric Bana. On no days is Eric Bana more attractive than the previous mentioned, but in Troy-- HECTOR IS MY MAN. Lol


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