# How long does it take?



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Wife had EA this summer(with neighbor down the street). OMW knows and all contact has been cut off(they have put a for sale sign up). My wife has been doing everything I've asked and seems very genuine and remorseful. We are going to MC and trying to work on things. They have been good sessions. No other evidence has surfaced that they are still contacting. 

My question is this...it has been about 1 month since I found the evidence and everything came clean(from what I can tell). How long does it take before you can trust again? I ask because I want to move on but this whole thing cut me deep. It lasted all summer and both lied directly to my face when my suspicions would rise up. 

The fun-loving In The Dark has been replaced by a angry, jealous, sad and suspicious fellow. She is telling me the right things but can't help but doubt since she lied so easily and convincingly this summer. But also don't want to toss 10 years of marriage and shake up the lives of two children without trying to genuinely reconcile. So has anyone gone through this and how long did it take for the trust to return? 

ITD


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Depending on the damage done...2-5 years till full recovery. Longer in the very worst cases.

Trust is earned in time...the more you see that she is telling the truth...the more you will begin to trust her.

1 month is not long at all...it's like a blink of the eye.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

It depends on how much your wife does to help you get over it (reassuring you). If you are looking at hard numbers anywhere from 6 months to a couple of years ASSUMING you actually can get over it, not everyone does.

If your wife has any residual feelings for the OM it will make things worse because she will start to miss him after the dust settles. She has to either hate him or not care at all.

You are at the very early stages so expect to be on this roller coaster for a while. Also, even though today she may seem remorseful, if the underlining reasons for her affair are not addressed then you may be in for a false R. Don’t make the mistake of thinking “she got burned and has learned her lesson” like I did. They are very slow learners.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Was their any physical intimacy involved?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> The fun-loving In The Dark has been replaced by a angry, jealous, sad and suspicious fellow. She is telling me the right things but can't help but doubt since she lied so easily and convincingly this summer. But also don't want to toss 10 years of marriage and shake up the lives of two children without trying to genuinely reconcile. So has anyone gone through this and how long did it take for the trust to return?
> 
> ITD


6 months on for me since wifes PA, 10 years together 4 kids.
It gets easier as the clock ticks on.
I do not trust her, but have recovered sufficiently to move on with or without her.
Don't put yourself on a timeframe, it just doesn't work like that, but take care of yourself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am 1 year 8 months past the first D day (EA that he wanted to be a PA) and almost exactly one year past Dday#2 (oral ONS revelation) and let me tell you, it is HARD. I still struggle almost every day in one way or another. Our marriage is strong, though - much stronger than it was before.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

There was nothing physical that I can tell. Neighbors that we knew in passing. Went to a neighborhood 4th of July party and they visited at length for the first time. Didn't think much about it then as I trusted her(I visited with his wife for a while that evening). 

By the 13th, they were texting sexually suggestive things to one another. Then became sounding boards for whatever they were going through(mostly about me because I could tell something was different and wrong but couldn't figure it out). Ironically, according to her, she would call him to vent about me being upset when it was their underground interactions that were making me suspicious in the first place(talk about fogged up). He even befriended me and we were on our way to become great friends. We'd go golfing and he'd be texting my wife during the round. 

She went on a beach trip Labor Day weekend and they spent a lot of time texting and talking(including a 2 hour convo at 11pm at night). Then it faded out and she and I started doing much better. Don't know if she came out of a semi-fog or what. I discovered the phone/text logs at the beginning of October. Opportunities for being physical were very slim but I can't rule it totally out. I think I have the majority of the story and am pretty confident it did not turn PA. 

I still love my wife very much. I just don't trust her now. Everytime she looks at her iphone it eats me up. I don't like being suspicious and am just wondering if it will ever go away. She is working hard to say and do the right things but I always wonder if this is another acting job like the one I got this summer. Didn't know she could lie so well. First time in 10 years I've ever seen that. 

What things did you guys do to stop thinking about it all? 

ITD


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

It takes a while, I think what will help is lessening the triggers for you, example if looking at her phone sets you off, tell her this and ask her to turn it off at night or give to you so you can make sure it is not the OM........Eventually you will see the contact has ceased and you will slowly trust her again....

I think what you have to understand is that cheaters are great liars, that is a given this was your wife while she was possessed by the affair fog..........she wasn't the girl you married then.....
I think you now know that she can make decisions that do not have your best interests at heart...........your marriage is forever changed, but you can get a better one if you allow yourself to work on that......together........
It is not easy for sure, but marriage isn't easy without an affair to deal with the closeness is a problem, hopefully they will sell their house and get out of your sight, if not you may have to make a move yourself........
I know you feel duped and hurt and you should be.....but you have to chose past or future, my therapist say trust and believe until he proves otherwise, so far I am still trusting and believing..........with one eye open of course, be the spouse she wants and needs, she won't give anyone a second look if you do that..........I'm about 1/2 years post d-day


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Some people can forgive easily but never forget. For others you can never truly heal at all and either just have to live with it or let the other person go.

There is no cut and dry # to go by. It all depends too much on you and your wife, how she behaves towards you and your interaction with her. BTW sometime in the future if you hit another rough patch, you'll blurt it out in anger.

My wife has screamed out 4 or 5 times since d-day 14 years ago, "Well I didn't stick my *bleep* into another girl."

At that point I just walk away, cool down, let her cool down and then we can talk about the argument or we can just ignore one another until I apologize lol!


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I agree, it takes years, and onlyif your wife really does a ton of work. Even then I see betrayeds saying it never full recovers. Tough spot she has put you in re :trust. What, exactly , is she doing to try to restore it?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I agree, it takes years, and onlyif your wife really does a ton of work. Even then I see betrayeds saying it never full recovers. Tough spot she has put you in re :trust. What, exactly , is she doing to try to restore it?


She has fully accepted responsibility and realizes the extent of the damage done. She's going to MC and has opened up a lot which has always been a sticking point in our marriage. She says she will do whatever it takes and agreed to my list of non-negotiable items. Agreed to be patient with me while I struggle with this situation. Has become the attentive and affectionate wife I always wanted.

I accepted and allowed a lot in the first part of our marriage. I was never truly #1 in her life and she admits it. Her family, our kids, her job, friends always took priority and I allowed it. I had always mentioned that I wanted and deserved more but it was never bad enough for me to push. I was content. She now seems to recognize that she almost lost me or could lose me still. She seems sincere and is making me a priority. I like it but it is so different from how she's acted before that my suspicious side creeps up. Time will tell if it is sincere.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

jessi said:


> It takes a while, I think what will help is lessening the triggers for you, example if looking at her phone sets you off, tell her this and ask her to turn it off at night or give to you so you can make sure it is not the OM........Eventually you will see the contact has ceased and you will slowly trust her again....
> 
> I think what you have to understand is that cheaters are great liars, that is a given this was your wife while she was possessed by the affair fog..........she wasn't the girl you married then.....
> I think you now know that she can make decisions that do not have your best interests at heart...........your marriage is forever changed, but you can get a better one if you allow yourself to work on that......together........
> ...



Appreciate the thoughts. It's a fine line to walk because there are moments when I want to rail on her but if I hammer too much, will it damage any chance for a future? But I also don't want to let her off easy so I want her to feel the pain she has caused. We go a day or two and it is good and then something triggers and I go off. The rollercoaster ride is just at the beginning. I'm just wondering when it will smooth out some. 

BTW, we've already started looking at homes ourselves. It will be spring before we would be able to move but she has agreed. We have some other neighbors I want to get away from too that helped contribute to some of this. It's just hard right now because I have to see his car every day on the way home. I certainly don't want to be here by the time pool season comes around as that would spur some major triggers for me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

One thing that has really helped me is to separate the cheating from the marriage. The fact my husband cheated is 100% on him - his fault totally. But the fact our marriage was the sh!ts is on both of us. I have decided our marriage is worth working on with him, that I do truly love and cherish him, even after what he did. So I am willing to work very hard on both myself (to get over what he did) and our marriage. A big part of the reason I want to do this is because he wants the same thing, so he is working very hard on both himself and on our marriage.

I also am not telling myself that I have to forgive him, or forget what he did. I don't think that's reasonable. What I do have to be able to do is not hold it against him for the rest of his life - to let go of it. I am not yet sure if that is what forgiveness is or not.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am 6 months out. Wow, it seems a lot shorter than 6 months. I think about it every day still (wife also had EA, wanting to go PA but didn't go that far because were married). I have gone from checking email/phone/etc multiple times a day to maybe every other day. She gives me transparency but hates me looking, so I don't tell her when I do.

We've gone to MC - it's been pretty good for me, but she feels the counselor always takes my side and thus wants me to turn it into IC. I don't trust her still, but it's not as bad as it was. It will always be there, the nagging feeling she could be hiding something. Maybe someday I won't be able to live with that any longer, but I am going to try.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> Wife had EA this summer(with neighbor down the street). OMW knows and all contact has been cut off(they have put a for sale sign up). My wife has been doing everything I've asked and seems very genuine and remorseful. We are going to MC and trying to work on things. They have been good sessions. No other evidence has surfaced that they are still contacting.
> 
> My question is this...it has been about 1 month since I found the evidence and everything came clean(from what I can tell). How long does it take before you can trust again? I ask because I want to move on but this whole thing cut me deep. It lasted all summer and both lied directly to my face when my suspicions would rise up.
> 
> ...


It can take a very long time and sometimes never. The marriage will never be the same again. You have to come to grips on what the new marriage is based on. Good luck.

A PA would be a deal breaker for me and it seems that this may not have gotten that far.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> I am 6 months out. Wow, it seems a lot shorter than 6 months. I think about it every day still (wife also had EA, wanting to go PA but didn't go that far because were married). I have gone from checking email/phone/etc multiple times a day to maybe every other day. She gives me transparency but hates me looking, so I don't tell her when I do.
> 
> We've gone to MC - it's been pretty good for me, but she feels the counselor always takes my side and thus wants me to turn it into IC. I don't trust her still, but it's not as bad as it was. It will always be there, the nagging feeling she could be hiding something. Maybe someday I won't be able to live with that any longer, but I am going to try.


I'm the same way. Checking but she doesn't like it. But she also accepts that we need the transparency

I'm more concerned now in trying to find out why. She doesn't know why and it drives me crazy. MC is working on trying to find the cause but no luck so far. That scares me more than anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> It can take a very long time and sometimes never. The marriage will never be the same again. You have to come to grips on what the new marriage is based on. Good luck.
> 
> A PA would be a deal breaker for me and it seems that this may not have gotten that far.


Yeah a PA would've been a deal breaker for me too. I'm hoping that someday I can get through this and we have a better marriage than before. It just may take me a long time to get there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

The duration of A and the fact that OM lives in such close proximity makes it hard to believe it wasn't PA. You should demand polygraph on this.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Depending on the damage done...2-5 years till full recovery. Longer in the very worst cases.
> 
> Trust is earned in time...the more you see that she is telling the truth...the more you will begin to trust her.
> 
> 1 month is not long at all...it's like a blink of the eye.



Hmmm, I'd say that so long as you are feeling positive about your wife's sincerity and NC, you have a shot. It will hurt forever, but your emotions will increasingly stabilize and someday you'll feel better. Your relationship will never be what it was - it'll always be different - but if all the stories and books and threads are true, you can rebuild/reshape/renew and be very happy. I'm about 1 month past DDay and don't see a light at the end of the tunnel for me, but my wife's sincerity, NC, and losing my new job because of all this is helping me focus on how pathetic I am. :scratchhead: Someday it'll all work out but there's no assurance right now other than faith, hope, and prayerful fantasies that someday it'll all work out. I'm still here for the kids, not for her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stop being so gullible---don't believe for one minute she doesn't know why-------If she continues with the I don't know why---then force her to tell you WHAT SHE WAS THINKING----she certainly knows the thoughts that went thru her head, from that 1st party onward, as they were more, and more in contact.

Her thought processes will lead you to the why.

How can you be sure they weren't physical, ---1st she knows how to lie, and 2nd, they are right there houses apart, you mean to tell me she never left the house, she was in your sight the whole time---stop being so naive!!!!!!

One thing you hopefully have done, is demand full access to her phone ANYTIME, demanded she drop any social websites----also you should have full access to any e-mail accounts she has.


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