# Three weeks of not initiating... Here's where I am...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

It has been nearly 3 weeks since my vow to stop initiating.

As a brief rundown... My lower drive H kept rejecting me over a period of months. He was fine with initiating when he was in the mood which is less than me, but his rejections of my initiations got hurtfull. He also had no interest in offering any kind of halfway, like a W might initiate a BJ or HJ when her H is in the mood and she wants to met his needs. I tried many approaches. The most I got was that he came to me more when I dropped the temp, which is what I continue to do as the hotter spouse.

How do I feel?

Mostly so far, I feel actually a lot more... at ease. I thought I would feel constantly "desperate", but I don't. I feel more free. Like I have given myself permission to allmost stop worrying about it.

I also feel more comfortable not worrying about constantly ensuring I am doing stuff that he likes. I have relaxed about it and stopped doing some things I previously did routinely and not been apologetic about it. I feel very strongly the more I think about this that this is *not* something he thinks about in the same way or ever has done. He appears a lot more casual and relaxed about it and I have adopted that attitude also. I feel a massive weight has been lifted. I feel like I am not constantly now thinking what I can do to make him happy but am focussing more on ME, but in a good way.

There have been three occasions I remember over the last three weeks, where I let my guard down:

1. We were getting ready to go out and after some good vibes that day when he said he was going in the shower I felt bold and said I should get in with him. He shot me down so I retreated.

2. A week later he was laying in and I came upstairs and ambushed him. He responded well!

3. Earlier today he did a job in the kitchen that had needing doing for a while. I expressed appreciation and lightheartedly said that it was like having a handyman come round to do work wearing his overalls (alluding to a fantasy of mine that he knows about) and jokingly asked what did I "owe" him?

He cut me down again with an "um, nothing" and frowned at me. I just got on with it and tried not to let it bother me. Crazy thing is he makes these kinds of jokes to me all the time.

I do feel a little restricted at times but then he does the 1. and 3. responses above and I realize exactly why I stopped flirting and initiating.

I have stopped hoping and expecting and that helps too. I go to bed when I want without prying when he'll be up. I avoid the deliberate " getting in the way" he does in our kitchen so I have to walk right by him and brush up against him.

OK so I do feel a little sad... I know logically this isn't a long term strategy but for now it is working to protect me from the damage of constant rejection. Not sure what comes after this or when though...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

That's awesome to hear that it is working for you... so far.
Really glad to hear you feel more relaxed about things. 

It takes time to get better at it, I think the more comfortable you get with "you", the more you may find him attracted to you!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> 3. Earlier today he did a job in the kitchen that had needing doing for a while. I expressed appreciation and lightheartedly said that it was like having a handyman come round to do work wearing his overalls (alluding to a fantasy of mine that he knows about) and jokingly asked what did I "owe" him?


Oh, now that is hot as hell. I SO wish my wife would say something like that. 

But, um, sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped. I know all too well that rejection hurts and it makes it that much harder to try again. If my wife had your attitude I would be getting a lot more house projects done


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Strange, you seem to be doing things right, you obviously know how to flirt and suggest, not so much on the teasing but that takes initial interest on his part first.

Not to presume, but we men are visual creatures. There will always be physical elements, how's the gym, working out, bodywork etc? For the missus she knows full well that I personally find her most stunning feature are her sexy legs and how she carries herself with them.

She has learnt to intice me, but refuse to allow me free reign over them, which intices me even more until I lose it like a savage horny beast. She has learnt my buttons.

Nonetheless continue experimenting with his triggers!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

deejov said:


> That's awesome to hear that it is working for you... so far.
> Really glad to hear you feel more relaxed about things.
> 
> It takes time to get better at it, I think the more comfortable you get with "you", the more you may find him attracted to you!


I think the principle of cooling things down works to a degree with us. I know he would like me to be less uptight about stuff. I'm not convinced that doing this long term is healthy but right now? I don't know what else TO do.



WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh, now that is hot as hell. I SO wish my wife would say something like that.
> 
> But, um, sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped. I know all too well that rejection hurts and it makes it that much harder to try again. If my wife had your attitude I would be getting a lot more house projects done


Glad someone appreciates the sentiment!

I have no idea why he had that reaction. You'd think I'd said the most laughable thing ever with the way he reacted. I have actually considered noting down all these reactions to show to him over a month or so so he can see how he comes across.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Strange, you seem to be doing things right, you obviously know how to flirt and suggest, not so much on the teasing but that takes initial interest on his part first.
> 
> Not to presume, but we men are visual creatures. There will always be physical elements, how's the gym, working out, bodywork etc? For the missus she knows full well that I personally find her most stunning feature are her sexy legs and how she carries herself with them.
> 
> ...


I have been thinking about what he likes. Physically I'm in good shape. Regular exercise. Been seeing what gets a good reaction.

I rocked a camisole type top, black shorts and lacey legs that I know he likes last week. I asked him what he thought. "You look like a prostitute." Um no I don't!

Most of what he offers as to what he'd like me to do is to dress up in lingerie/dress up in short skirts/dress up in whatever and surprise him. Um I *used* to do that and it didn't get his attention! I feel very much like he's setting me up to fail and I don't know why.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Thanks for the update. Hopefully it won't be much longer before you see more positive change from him.

Man he really doesn't know how lucky he is. My wife has worn lingerie less than a handful of times during 15 years of marriage. /sigh

Anyway I'm glad to hear that you are at peace with not initiating. I know I too found it surprising freeing when I did it... though sadly in my case no response. Your case is much different though, my wife before had zero sex drive... never really did have one. So I have high hopes for you despite my results.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I rocked a camisole type top, black shorts and lacey legs that I know he likes last week. I asked him what he thought. "You look like a prostitute." Um no I don't!


I actually gasped when I read this. He really said that? Like he's actively pushing you away and insulting you to make you stop?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I actually gasped when I read this. He really said that? Like he's actively pushing you away and insulting you to make you stop?


Yeah that surprised me too. I wonder what he thinks it takes for a woman to look like a prostitute.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Even if she looks ****ty, she "your" ****. And I mean that in the best possible way. Really. There's no end to the things I would do to get my wife to pour out her inner **** for me.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Yeah that surprised me too. I wonder what he thinks it takes for a woman to look like a prostitute.


Black camisole top, shorts, etc...!

I will put that into context. He said that, I said "no I don't! Don't you like it?" to which he replied "I didn't say I didn't like it..." You can't get the tone from what I've put here but it wasn't playful or flirty. It was weird.

I just don't "get" him sometimes. I genuinely don't understand his weird reaction to stuff I thought would be flirty or teasing or even just when I do or wear stuff I think he might like. He looks or speaks like I've done something really stupid. Part of this is because I figured he preferred being enticed rather than me being more bold like I used to. It is like a mystery I keep thinking I have found the answer to then realize no, it's not that.

I got out of the car yesterday outside our house to open the gates to the yard. A car was driving up the road coming past us. The guy driving wound down his window and shouted "woohoo!" at me. Pulled up at the junction and turned round to look at me and smiled. So I feel I'm not incredibly ugly like I feel sometimes but I wonder what's up with my H. I have told him that from reading on here millions of guys would love to have a W so open and interested and he didn't take that too well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm... well you can try being a bit less obvious in your seductions. It's the same for blokes from what I've noticed on this forum; men end up trying to romance their wives while their wives know full well they are just trying to get sex

Same thing is happening here it seems

The missus in the past had the same problem and to be honest I also didn't really like it when she did EXACTLY what I told her to do in regards to my 'buttons'; it's no surprise, it's more like "oh, that again? hell that's old!" So I don't really get turned on

Nowadays though she's more natural and relaxed, knows how to simply look and act sexy without any intention behind it. She no longer has to initiate, and has learnt how to say no to me (which gets me more interested)

Perhaps the obvious intention is the culprit in your situation


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Well, my lovely, I for one can tell you are a sexy beast. I have a sense for such things. So now that we've addressed that aspect, lets move on.

It's been my experience that when the emotional side of the relationship is addressed (I didn't even realize how I was missing the mark on some of his emotional needs); that when he addressed some of his own issues; and when I saw the part I had to play in it all .......and when I could listen, REALLY listen to him; is when our sex life started to truly turn around again.

While I recognize now how I teased and lured in the earlier years, I had become too "obvious" in my approach with him, and that went hand-in-hand with a disconnect that was beyond the bedroom. So then I toned my approach down. I started focusing on my growth, just as he was on his, and realizing the emotional need I was falling short on providing. And he started opening up more than ever with me. I find the dynamic really hard to summarize as there's so many layers. At the time it felt daunting and frustrating, but now it just makes so much sense when I reflect.

I made a thread here a while back about the art of subtlety. I remember posting that one night all I did was simply moved my hair to the side, just innocently when we were in bed to expose my neck/back and I knew he was looking at me. I did it effortlessly and he caught on to that movement quicker than if I'd walked past and flashed him in an obvious way. Subtlety. But I stand by that the emotional has to be dealt with first. Some of it was his stuff, then it was seeing the part I played.

My advice is to stop wondering "Why won't he pounce me? That dude turned back around to check me out.." This is not about your appearance or your ability to attract men. No. It's about your ability to further develop your relationship and help your husband feel trust and vulnerability. It seems to me at least, a few of the main reasons husband's may react the way yours is, are often one of the following: a) unresolved emotions (he might not even realize this himself) and/or stress, b) infidelity and/or porn, c) medical reasons and/or medication. It seems I like to write and/or a lot.

All I can say now, is HOLY SMOKES!! He initiates consistently and he is more sexually open again. I can't even put into words other than _phwwoooarrr!!!_ The changes translate between us both inside and outside the bedroom.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I have no idea why he had that reaction. You'd think I'd said the most laughable thing ever with the way he reacted. I have actually considered noting down all these reactions to show to him over a month or so so he can see how he comes across.


Sorry that I don't know your back story ...but does he KNOW that the status of your sex life is leaving you feeling saddened? 

My H and I had very candid and open discussions about it.

I think if you presented to him a list that showed all the time he'd rejected you, you're likely just going to be "punishing" him in a way. If that was done to me, I would feel like I was being scolded and it would take a hell of a lot for me to pull myself out of my own ego to then come from a place of wanting to work on things for the better. 

I think there are deeper things that likely need to be addressed outside of the bedroom. I also feel that it needs to be made clear your desire for a trusting and fun and connecting sex life. If he shuns you per the examples you have given in your OP, why not tell him then and there, calmly, how it makes you feel? 


Honestly, where's Enchantment when you need her? She has a knack of wrapping things up eloquently and helpfully and asking the right questions! I hope my posts provide another perspective for you to consider.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

heartsbeating, the list for me would be more about the reasonings rather than the actual rejections. Another poster created a thread that summarized it well a few days back, about how her H turns her down but she doesn't need the lecture that goes along with it. There is ALLWAYS a reason why I've initiated at the wrong time. He says it like I am stupid for even *thinking* that it was a good time to initiate. 

I am sure there are emotional issues in play on his part. I suspect he sees my advances as a form of "desperation" allmost. I have low esteem after his EA a few months ago and I have explained how his constant rejections affected me. He is fed up with my low esteem. He has said so. Yet he actively avoids anything to build me up like you would think a H would. Particularly given his EA. It is like he has a poibt in his head where he has said, enough time has passed and I should be back to normal now and I am somehow faulty and desperate for not being so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> heartsbeating, the list for me would be more about the reasonings rather than the actual rejections. Another poster created a thread that summarized it well a few days back, about how her H turns her down but she doesn't need the lecture that goes along with it. There is ALLWAYS a reason why I've initiated at the wrong time. He says it like I am stupid for even *thinking* that it was a good time to initiate.
> 
> I am sure there are emotional issues in play on his part. I suspect he sees my advances as a form of "desperation" allmost. I have low esteem after his EA a few months ago and I have explained how his constant rejections affected me. He is fed up with my low esteem. He has said so. Yet he actively avoids anything to build me up like you would think a H would. Particularly given his EA. It is like he has a poibt in his head where he has said, enough time has passed and I should be back to normal now and I am somehow faulty and desperate for not being so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The "reasonings" are not offered as an excuse, not meant as a way to excuse the disconnect, but rather for potential understanding. Have you candidly expressed how you felt about the EA, what you expect from him/the relationship from here? Has he done the same with you? 

I hope that you read in my post that there needs to be work from BOTH of you in order to connect. I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling from this but it does seem the other side to this needs to be addressed before the sex life really has a chance, imo. 

With what you have written here - it seems evident there are bigger things going on, rather than why he isn't responding to you at given times. And the two will actually be connected anyway, they will go hand-in-hand. Based on this post, it sounds as though you need to work on YOU, regardless of what he thinks. If you're not over it and "back to normal" then you're not. He's fed up with your low self-esteem, you are still recovering from his EA, he is rejecting your advances, and you are letting that dictate how you feel - but also crave the connection it gives. 

Have you both dealt with the EA together? Have either of you recognized what lead to that point?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Low esteem... not good =/
It all starts with your own confidence, sometimes it's not what you do it's how you do it... a low esteem definitely does show

Heartsbeating is correct in terms of the "art of subtlety" - sometimes as well all the missus has to do is expose her neck or pose and when she catches my eye she tells me not to look at her like that (which triggers me with that tease and makes me go "Oh yeah?! The game is on!!!")

But it takes confidence from her part
She's currently enjoying intimacy around twice a day lately, yes I know - I used to complain about it. The funny thing is that -> I'm the one initiating now, she's just seducing me. Turns out I don't have a low sex drive - I just needed the right buttons pushed right


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

heartsbeating, a way to understand is fair but it's the delivery. He can't just say "sorry hun I'm tired tonight but we'll make time tomorrow." What he says is stuff like 

"We did it three times this week allready, you're never happy"

"Why didn't you SAY you wanted to have sex?" with a big sigh(Whilst fooling around and I show I want to take it further)

Me: "want an early night?" snuggling up to him. Him: "er no not really. It's allways on your terms" WTF?? No it isn't!

He is rarely nice about it. I sense the impatience and "oh no not this again" tone and I know I creep away like a wounded pet.

I just don't get why he is telling me to initiate by doing this and that, stuff he'd like. I swear he is setting me up to turn me down. He swears not. What is so frustrating is I USED to do this stuff... And he turned me down!!!

Another thing I have noticed is he has started to talk to me like a child. He "tests" me on stuff I say I know to check I'm not making up that I DO know. Yesterday I was helping with some yard stuff that needed throwing away. He spoke to me like s*** in front of lots of people because I left him shovelling whilst I got a cloth to clean my hands. Apparently I should have known the way he does that particular job at work, with two people doing a job each. He never told me or explained, I just helped out where I could see it was needed. I was mortified and quite angry. Then there's the nasty comments and the eye rolling. Hell I could understand if I WAS stupid but I am seemingly on the ball enough to look after our children and run my own business part time and manage our money. Yet he talks to me like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/
Hell it seems he's constantly pushing you down, not only turning you down... heck I thought I was messed up


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

More of the same today... I messed up and forgot to explain some arrangements I had made for a family lunch we were due to go to.

He was angry. Understandably I would have felt the same. I owned it and apologized. That wasn't good enough, he had to go on and on about it. How it wasn't good enough. I'd spoilt his day. I started to explain that on my part I had actually acted with good intention in making all the arrangements so he didn't have to bother with arranging it all but that he was right in what he was saying.

He was just spewing forth nasty stuff about me. Believe me I'm not perfect. Yes I can be forgetful. But no I'm not like a child and I don't deserve for him to treat me like it. His response? "Well, to be honest you do do some stupid things." No I don't... I just don't do the same things that you would do in the same situation. And I'm so bad at communicating, all I ever talk about is my feelings. I don't talk about anything else. No... Because when I *do* try and talk, he makes it clear he's not really listening.

I am sure this is tied into it all but not sure how or what to do about it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

This is why the other stuff has to be dealt with first.

And it will take both of you to recognize that things need to change if you want to have a chance of hanging in there in the long run. And/or at the very least, have an understanding for YOURSELF as to what is going on.

It is my feeling that with understanding and facing the _why_, then the _what needs to change_ can happen IF both parties are willing and able to go there.

Would you be open to seeing a councilor? Preferably together but otherwise IC? It's not something I usually suggest but it helped us to break the mold/patterns we were developing. And particularly if you don't feel you are listened to and don't understand what is happening with him. He obviously has unresolved anger and resentment towards you, or perhaps related to something in his life/his past that needs to be dealt with.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> It has been nearly 3 weeks since my vow to stop initiating.
> 
> As a brief rundown... My lower drive H kept rejecting me over a period of months. He was fine with initiating when he was in the mood which is less than me, but his rejections of my initiations got hurtfull. He also had no interest in offering any kind of halfway, like a W might initiate a BJ or HJ when her H is in the mood and she wants to met his needs. I tried many approaches. The most I got was that he came to me more when I dropped the temp, which is what I continue to do as the hotter spouse.
> 
> ...


Hi Walkingwounded,

My situation has a lot of points in common with yours, with the difference that I am an husband.

I have stopped hoping, initiating, expecting sex. I am trying hard to change my attitude towards this "problem". As a result I focus more on myself, my hobbies, I take care of my body. I remind myself everyday to be grateful for what I have, and always had: a roof over my head, a job, friends, etc.. 
Like you I feel better, almost relieved. My mind is not so occupied all the time on how to "try to get her to want me". I strongly believe that making love should be wanted by both partners and there should be some kind of attraction and passion from both parties.

Like you, I let my guard down when (wrongly) I get some good vibes, and then I get rejected. I try to take it lightly when this happens but it's not always easy.

The thing that makes me a bit sad is that I don't really feel the need for sex as often as before (maybe my testosterone level is dropping??) and I am a bit less affectionate with her.




> He was just spewing forth nasty stuff about me. Believe me I'm not perfect. Yes I can be forgetful. But no I'm not like a child and I don't deserve for him to treat me like it. His response? "Well, to be honest you do do some stupid things." No I don't... I just don't do the same things that you would do in the same situation. And I'm so bad at communicating, all I ever talk about is my feelings. I don't talk about anything else. No... Because when I *do* try and talk, he makes it clear he's not really listening.


Wow, this is really worriying to me. IMHO He is somewhat resentful maybe for things he was disappointed/frustrated with you in the past and now you've become "not mature enough" or "not up to the standard" for him. He considers you not worth of his time/consideration. I know that I sound harsh, but I think it's "OK" (not right but sometimes you can't help it) to say nasty things when you are mad, but then when everything is quiet there should be time to talk and be able to clarify things and "make peace". 
If you can't talk, and that was my case (on top of that English is not my mothertongue) maybe you can try writing a letter to him. I did it and somewhat worked for me, it took a couple of days to settle things down but in the end we were able to clarify our respective point of views.
It did not solve the "sex" part, but at least we are able to communicate as adults now.


I hope this helps,


M.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

WalkingWounded...

Reading your comments about his actions/reactions reminds me of how I acted toward the end of my first marriage. I had grown emotionally involved with someone who previously worked where I did. Even though she and I never got physical (except kissing) I started sabotaging my marriage. I got angry easily and started putting her down.. 

Please do what you need to protect your emotions.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mishy said:


> Hi Walkingwounded,
> 
> My situation has a lot of points in common with yours, with the difference that I am an husband.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Sorry my browser is being awkward but thankyou for the replies and I'll try and respond soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I may be off base here, but I'll share a similar analogy.

My H also lost his sex drive. I looked for advice on allowing him to initiate, and it helped to a point, like it did for you.

It didn't solve the underlying problems, and I admit he also started treating me like a dumb child at times, and made similar comments. We are not living together at the moment.

For him, it is tied to how he FEELS about not wanting sex. I cannot even imagine how a man's ego would respond in a situation where his wife wants sex more than he does. Thus the lashing out at me.
Trying to make me feel less, a futile attempt to push me away and take the pressure OFF of not being able \ wanting to have sex. 

Your H might not be the same 

Strict boundary enforcement. 
Yeah, there might be issues under the surface, sex is usually a sympton of something else going on, but it takes some prodding to ensure nobody "uses" that as an excuse to be an azz and treat someone poorly.


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## Mrs. Yes (Jan 5, 2012)

You have gotten some really good advice from others dealing with the same issue but I wanted to let you know that I think your idea of writing down some of the mean or hurtful reactions may help you when you talk to him. It is possible that he doesn't realize how those sound.

I also really agree with the fact that he is probably really not happy about how his low drive makes him feel. Maybe he reacts the way he does because each time you initiate it reminds him of his low drive. He is directing this anger towards you and it is not fair.

I hope you get this worked out - you are taking great steps in taking control of the things you can and working on making yourself happy.


I will never say no in 2012


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

deejov said:


> Strict boundary enforcement.
> Yeah, there might be issues under the surface, sex is usually a sympton of something else going on, but it takes some prodding to ensure nobody "uses" that as an excuse to be an azz and treat someone poorly.


:iagree:


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I can't respond to all of you as on my phone but I have read and digested everything each of you has said.

IC is out of the question at the moment as we simply can't afford it. Otherwise I would be there allready! 

I do feel I have some part to play in all this but as of right now I don't understand it exactly. I pick up a lot from casual remarks he makes and atheme I have picked up on is I think he would like there to be more "to" me. Basically put to be more interesting and less focus on him and what he does for me. Also he says I can be really downbeat a lot of the time and he'd just like me to be happy!

I have allways been a quiet serious type anyway but I know since his behavior last year I have been a lot more solemn really. I guess on some level I am very wary of him. I don't think he'd behave that way again but I don't feel I can let my guard down and it is tiring at times.

I think he'd like more of the freer more open me like I was before and I'd guess there is a degree of bad feeling about himself that he is directing at me without realizing. 

And also you know that typically man-woman interaction where the guy will make a lighthearted comment, a joke or pick up on a play on words about sex, and the woman says "that's all you ever think about!" or rolls her eyes? That is us in reverse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You don't need sex and attention to be HAPPY with yourself. It compliments what is already there, it should not be the source of it. 

You are on the right track, with focusing more on yourself, it just takes a few giant leaps to make a larger impact.

Even without IC, there are online support groups, endless resources on the net. Start with making some goals for yourself. Put your energy into researching it, following it through, and taking the opportunity to defining your indepdence. 

It can be done! Aren't you worth your full potential in life??
You will find many other things to "think about"


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> It has been nearly 3 weeks since my vow to stop initiating.
> 
> As a brief rundown... My lower drive H kept rejecting me over a period of months. He was fine with initiating when he was in the mood which is less than me, but his rejections of my initiations got hurtfull. He also had no interest in offering any kind of halfway, like a W might initiate a BJ or HJ when her H is in the mood and she wants to met his needs. I tried many approaches. The most I got was that he came to me more when I dropped the temp, which is what I continue to do as the hotter spouse.
> 
> ...


I didn't read any of the responses. But I read this and my heart just broke for you. I can not even wrap my head around this, as a man.

I understand there are LD guys out there but no sex for 3 weeks is not normal for a man. Has he been checked for low testosterone? Is he watching porn or masturbating excessively?

Really sorry you're going through this. There are so many men out there who would walk barefoot through Siberia for a shot at a woman like you. Make sure this guy is worth it.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Read your other posts. Don't let this guy kill your spirit. Don't be one of those wives who waits it out patiently for 20 years and THEN decides to do something about it when all hope is lost. Don't waste the best years of your life settling for an inferior marriage.

You need to believe that if he doesn't treat you better, you can find someone else and move on and be better for it. When you believe that, he'll either start treating you like you deserve, or you'll have a lot more peace about the decision to leave.

I can't stand it when good women who are the dream of most married men get their spirit beaten out of them with anger and cynicism and emotional abuse.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I agree with COGuy and deejov.

While I still stand by my other posts to you, there certainly still needs to be boundaries and expectations and growth for yourself. I personally wouldn't be able to hang in there for the sake of it. No. I'd make my boundaries and expectations known, while still allowing room to recognize his perspective and change from both of you. I would need to put a healthy stop to the way he's communicating to you so disrespectfully too. He'd need to step up and own what's happening, just as you would too. But your focus on the outcome can still essentially be, for your own growth.

I don't know if that makes sense or if my head-cold is making me type nonsense. Deejov is on the money imo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Me too with the latter part. I thought my drive had dropped though my belief is that for me it is emotional rather than physical. Which is what has led me to believe that this is not purely sexually driven but an intimacy and emotional issue. He suggests I take care of things myself which is an option... But honestly? It's not the physical sensation I am solely looking for. For me taking care of things myself is a loud and clear slap in the face, a reminder that he isn't interested in doing that for or with me like I would like.


I feel kind of the same. Maybe I am attracted a bit more to physical things though.There is not much passion in our relationship. I like passion! But when I do (for example kissing), she does not respond to it, and sometimes I feel that she's annoyed by it. WTF!! To me this is another way of rejecting me and quite frankly I don't understand it. It's like she doesn't want to let herself go, like she wants to control the whole thing. 
:scratchhead:

I feel kinda trapped: if I ignore my needs and forget about sex then I make her happy because she gets what she wants. This is not the way it's supposed to be! On the other hand if I keep insisting on my needs she will get annoyed and things could get even worse.


I agree with COguy: Don't let him kill/affect your spirit. Easier said than done.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mishy said:


> I feel kind of the same. Maybe I am attracted a bit more to physical things though.There is not much passion in our relationship. I like passion! But when I do (for example kissing), she does not respond to it, and sometimes I feel that she's annoyed by it. WTF!! To me this is another way of rejecting me and quite frankly I don't understand it. It's like she doesn't want to let herself go, like she wants to control the whole thing.
> :scratchhead:
> 
> I feel kinda trapped: if I ignore my needs and forget about sex then I make her happy because she gets what she wants. This is not the way it's supposed to be! On the other hand if I keep insisting on my needs she will get annoyed and things could get even worse.
> ...


It's difficult though! I allways felt we had a great sexual dynamic. In tune. I mean, even after three kids we were still having a great sex life. It's obviously no coincidence that this happened after his EA. 

I continue to feel like a weight has lifted. He does initiate. I'm not sexually starved. But at this point the prospect of initiating is not on my radar. I do genuinely believe there is a reason why he wants sex only when he initiates and feels he consistently has to reject me in the ways he does. I don't think his scathing rejections. ARE simply because he isn't in the mood nor that his reasonings are not harsh.

Thing is I can work on me but I'm not sure what to do as well by way of investing in us more "with" him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PAPS18 (May 17, 2012)

Hard for me to relate to guys not wanting sex with a wife that wants it, but, I can relate to the other way around. I no longer initiate sex with my wife, haven't in years-or if I do it is after she has dropped a strong hint. I believe this has helped me cope bettter honestly. Before, I would do all I could possibly do around the house etc, then wait for a sign that maybe all systems were a go for that night. But with her being a teacher, grading papers and being so overwhelmed and over worked with her daily job, there is always an excuse. Thus, I know 100% for sure there will not be any relations during the work week-so I just scratch that off the list. That leaves Friday night and then Saturday night-Sunday is spent getting ready for the next school week. Friday night she is wiped from a long week at school, so thus the ONLY night I feel there is any chance is typically Saturday night-unless she is on her period which means strike that day. So, sometimes I get disappointed if she doesn't initiate on a Sat night but also, we still live in basically a starter home which was great with young children but not so much for a teen. The teen's room is directly across the hall, and we can't get them to bed for nothing. SO, on a Sat night, the teens will be up late and thus push us to wait and many times she or potentially both of us are too tired. But, you know, you get to a point with a woman like my wife-she maybe gives oral 1-2x a year, that will half the time NOT allow me to give her oral even when I ask (she never asks for oral on her own), only wants missionary sex, it just gets to a point where you don't miss it all that much. I mean you have sex 2-3x a month, as a guy like myself, I have sex and try my best to make it last because I know it will be another week or two before it happens again-thus while I would never say it is bad, it is not like I can just let it go and enjoy it because I know I will have another shot the next night type thing. So, while I never turn down sex when my wife initiates it, I am almost getting to the point where I would rather not have sex because when I do have it, it feels so good that I get irritated that I can do that more often. My sex tank empties out and needs to be filled a LOT more quickly than my wife's tank. She goes for a drive (sex) and then is content parking the car for a couple weeks before feeling the need to drive again. For me, I go for a drive and the next day, man, that was awesome let's go for another spin.


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