# Desperate for help



## Jamie87 (Aug 16, 2014)

Hi, I'm a 26 year old female, this is my first post here. I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years. Almost three years ago, I gave up all that I knew to move to a different state to support him in his career. Things seemed to be great for most of our marriage, and he would say the same. Sure we would fight from time to time, every couple does. We have tried to travel and take a few trips, I try to plan things that I think he would really enjoy, he surprised me back in April during our trip to Las Vegas, with champagne and chocolate covered strawberries he had arranged in advance, just to say he loves me. However, just within the last few weeks, he has come to me saying he has been unhappy for a while now and wants a divorce. Shortly after that, I found text messages that showed he was having an affair. He claims this woman means absolutely nothing to him, and he wouldn't be bothered to never see or talk to her again, which wont be the case because they work together and he considers her a friend. He is holding on to the fact that she has absolutely nothing to do with his decision.

We did go to one session of marriage counseling just recently, and the counselor thought it would be a good idea for him to move out for the time being, thinking maybe if I wasn't around all the time he would realize he misses me and that I am a great wife. He had also agreed to not see the other woman outside of work, he would not be in contact with her at all unless it was work related.

Even after that, I am still desperate to try to make things work, because I can't just throw away the last 8 years of our lives like it was nothing, and he says there is no point because he no longer wants to be in a relationship. He says there are things about me that he just doesn't like anymore, the fact that I have become overweight, that I am too clingy, shy, dependent and that he doesn't love me anymore. I believe all of these things can be changed with a little bit of time and work on both of our parts. 

He is now staying with a friend of his, and I just need advice to how I can go about trying to fix our relationship or at least convince him our marriage is worth fighting for. Is it possible to fix this? Is this just a rough patch in our marriage that can be worked through? Since he has left, I have been extremely depressed, emotional and anxious. I can't eat or sleep and I feel stupid for still wanting to give it my all. I just can't imagine my life without my partner. My entire support group is 1000 miles away. If we give up right now, we will be giving up without trying everything we can.


Please help!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not throwing away 8 yrs of marriage your husband is by continuing to work with his affair partner.

Bad behavior continues with out consequences.

Every time your H goes to work those feeling for her come back.

So my advise give your H what he wants and file for divorce and have him served....it just might save your marriage.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Unless he stops working with her forget saving your marriage.

Do the 180.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

26-8 = 18

What you are experiencing is why getting married prior to living on your own as an adult is not a recipe for long-term marital success.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Counterfit said:


> 26-8 = 18
> 
> What you are experiencing is why getting married prior to living on your own as an adult is not a recipe for long-term marital success.


Having her old man phucking around doesn't help for a long term marital success either!

WTF


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What your experiencing is having a husband that is a POS!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Many people who say that they are marriage counselors (MC) are really divorce counselors (DC). The take the approach of helping the spouse who does not want the divorce to ease into it.

You do not have an MC, you have a DC. People in that line of work know that once a couple separates, the chance of getting back together and fixing the marriage is extremely low. 

Generally when a spouse moves out to get some space and 'think' its because they are having an affair and want to be able to pursue it without guilt and sneaking around as much.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will most likely help you out.

On top of that you need to start doing things for yourself. You need to lose weight, do work on that. Join a gym and start working out. 

Go to www. meetup.com and find things to do in your area.

The more you improve yourself and get busy, the more interesting you will be to him. And if not to him, then then to someone new.


.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I'll give you advice I'd give a man. He's replaceable. There's 2 million more just like him. 

8 years is gone. Poof. Never getting it back. Trying to fix it because you have history is called a sunk cost fallacy. You wouldn't buy stock in a bankrupt company hoping you make your money back would you?

You can't change him. He can't change you. Do the 180. Fix yourself. Don't you deserve love?

Don't fear the unknown and settle for crap because of it.


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## Jamie87 (Aug 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Many people who say that they are marriage counselors (MC) are really divorce counselors (DC). The take the approach of helping the spouse who does not want the divorce to ease into it.
> 
> You do not have an MC, you have a DC. People in that line of work know that once a couple separates, the chance of getting back together and fixing the marriage is extremely low.
> 
> ...


I absolutely plan on losing weight, just since this started happening, I'm already down 10 lbs so that is a start. I am trying to read books and whatnot to improve my life and make me a stronger person, its just easier said than done I think.. I appreciate all of your responses a lot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jamie,

Now that your husband has moved out, does he still come around your place?


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## Jamie87 (Aug 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Jamie,
> 
> Now that your husband has moved out, does he still come around your place?


He does, he came by today to see how I was doing. We went out to lunch and he plans on coming over as often as he can. He says he is trying to keep an open mind to see if things would work once we're separated for a little while. He still wants to do things together, not distance himself completely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jamie87 said:


> He does, he came by today to see how I was doing. We went out to lunch and he plans on coming over as often as he can. He says he is trying to keep an open mind to see if things would work once we're separated for a little while. He still wants to do things together, not distance himself completely.


Is he having sex with you or pushing your for sex?

If the real reason for this separation is to see if things can be fixed, then it should be a structured separation with things like the number of hours you spend together weekly, on going counseling together, him doing things to prove to you that he's not lying and cheating.

What kind of things are you doing for yourself?


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## Jamie87 (Aug 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Is he having sex with you or pushing your for sex?
> 
> If the real reason for this separation is to see if things can be fixed, then it should be a structured separation with things like the number of hours you spend together weekly, on going counseling together, him doing things to prove to you that he's not lying and cheating.
> 
> What kind of things are you doing for yourself?


No we are not having sex. So far I haven't really done anything for me. I did go to get a new hairstyle which made me feel better for a little bit, and I've been trying to get out of the house, but its proving to be difficult when I don't really know many people here in my new(ish) city. I'm a very shy person, so it is not easy for me to meet new people. I don't really know what to do for myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jamie87 said:


> No we are not having sex. So far I haven't really done anything for me. I did go to get a new hairstyle which made me feel better for a little bit, and I've been trying to get out of the house, but its proving to be difficult when I don't really know many people here in my new(ish) city. I'm a very shy person, so it is not easy for me to meet new people. I don't really know what to do for myself.


Do you know any women? If so invite one or two out to lunch on the weekend. Plan this ahead of time so that you know that you have something planned.

Go to Find your people - Meetup and find interesting things to do in your area. Go to some meetups and meet people. It's not a dating site. It's get out and do fun times and meet people site.

Do you have any hobbies? IF so then look for that hobby on meetup. For example I crochet. So I'm going to join a crochet group. It's all women. I'm hoping they can help me figure out some difficult patterns. And maybe I can get involved in some arts/crafts shows. I make more things that I can ever use or give away.

You can find professional groups.. start going to one or two.

Join a gym, get a personal trainer and start working out. Join weightwatchers. 

Then plan at least one pampering thing every weekend.. or example get a massage, do your nails, go soak in the hot tub at the gym after your work out.

Get things to do.

The more needy you look, the less interested your husband will be in you. 

if I were you, I'd also refuse to have sex with him unless he moves back in and commits to your marriage. Do not let him us you to supplement his affair.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

the guy said:


> Having her old man phucking around doesn't help for a long term marital success either!
> 
> WTF


Agreed. But a male is much more likely to "phuck around" when he marries young rather than later in life.

People who marry in their teens are shown to have a much higher rate of divorce than those who delay marriage.......in other words their marriages fail because they the are more likely to be poorly educated with minimal income and low prospects for improving their situation.......or in simpler terms they are losers.

She should divorce and move on with her life - they married too young.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know any women? If so invite one or two out to lunch on the weekend. Plan this ahead of time so that you know that you have something planned.
> 
> Go to Find your people - Meetup and find interesting things to do in your area. Go to some meetups and meet people. It's not a dating site. It's get out and do fun times and meet people site.
> 
> ...


And the goal is to "win" the cheating bum back?:rofl::rofl:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Who cares? He is already married. Arguing his tendency based on the age they married is pointless and really immaterial.


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## Jamie87 (Aug 16, 2014)

Counterfit said:


> Agreed. But a male is much more likely to "phuck around" when he marries young rather than later in life.
> 
> People who marry in their teens are shown to have a much higher rate of divorce than those who delay marriage.......in other words their marriages fail because they the are more likely to be poorly educated with minimal income and low prospects for improving their situation.......or in simpler terms they are losers.
> 
> She should divorce and move on with her life - they married too young.


The second part of your post is entirely wrong in this situation. We are not poorly educated and we have good paying careers. I'm sure there are plenty of people who marry young and last.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Counterfit said:


> And the goal is to "win" the cheating bum back?:rofl::rofl:


Nobody said that was the goal. The only goal right now (today) is for the OP to get herself in a better place emotionally and mentally.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

He fell out of love with your. It hurts like hell, but that's it. Trying to glue things together now, to extend it a little longer is the waste of time. Not your eight years of marriage - just becaseu something has changed between the two of you and now you are going separate ways, doesn't mean you have wasted those years. You were together, you've supported each other, you matured. There are things you have learnt and will take you with you on your further journey. These years weren't wasted. Now make sure you won't waste next few years on relationship that's already over. Because if it is over for one party, it is simply over.

You are just 26, the whole life is in front of you. Once you are over grieving and hurting over this relationship (expected and normal), you will discover that there is much more to life than crying over one guy.


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## Jamie87 (Aug 16, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> He fell out of love with your. It hurts like hell, but that's it. Trying to glue things together now, to extend it a little longer is the waste of time. Not your eight years of marriage - just becaseu something has changed between the two of you and now you are going separate ways, doesn't mean you have wasted those years. You were together, you've supported each other, you matured. There are things you have learnt and will take you with you on your further journey. These years weren't wasted. Now make sure you won't waste next few years on relationship that's already over. Because if it is over for one party, it is simply over.
> 
> You are just 26, the whole life is in front of you. Once you are over grieving and hurting over this relationship (expected and normal), you will discover that there is much more to life than crying over one guy.


Thank you for this, I have realized over the night that he most likely has not been keeping his word and not spending time with that other woman. Last night he seemed to really be sneaking around and lying to me. I don't know for sure, but I think he was with her. 

I do need to try to move on, I just don't really know how. I would need to move myself and my pets 1000 miles just to be with my support group. I just wish I could snap my fingers and this nightmare be over, whether its fixing things with him or just being done with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there someone back where you come from who you can stay with for a while until you find a job, etc?

Do you have a car? Could you drive? Could someone fly out to dive with you?


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## HeartofHearts (Aug 25, 2014)

I'm going home tonight to tell my H I want a divorce. I knew long before now that this day would come. If he wants a divorce, go in your room, cry, scream, punch things and come out ready to go through a divorce. IF he changes his mind, more than likely, it'll buy you a few more years, but, then you'll be faced with it again. Next time, YOU will be asking for divorce because you'll remember what he took you through. Don't fight for it if he doesn't want to.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Jamie87 said:


> I do need to try to move on, I just don't really know how. I would need to move myself and my pets 1000 miles just to be with my support group. I just wish I could snap my fingers and this nightmare be over, whether its fixing things with him or just being done with it.


What's stopping you? No kids, just pets, that's really easy. Treat it as a bonus - now, that there is nobody keeping you wherever you are, you have a chance to go back to your roots, family, friends - if this is what you want. 

i wish I had done this years ago, before kids came to play.


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