# My wife had an affair with my ex boss



## 2monkeys

First let me tell you a little something about our situation. I'm 36 and she's 25. We've been together since she was 18 and I was 28. We met at work and even though we never planned on being anything more than a fling. But after about 9 months of messing around she got pregnant with our first daughter. We decided we would give "us" a serious go at it, since we both came from divorced parents. We new we didn't want our kid coming up with two separate families. I left the job where we met shortly after she got pregnant in order to take a higher paying job. A couple months After our daughter was born my father got terminally ill and was living in a different state. So 2-3 times a week I would make the 6 hour drive to go see him immediately after I got out of work. Then turn around and drive back a couple hours later to go back to work or to spend a few hours with my family. While I was logging all these crazy hours and miles one night I happened I log on to our computer and I found that she had been having a cyber affair with her ex. They never met up but she would send him pics and message him all day. I was to tired to and stressed with my dads situation and having a new baby. That I told her never to do it again or we were done. She cried and swore that she wouldn't. I let it be and moved on. Fast forward two years later and she's pregnant again this time with my son. But there were complications 2 weeks before he was due and we lost him. We immediately tried to have another baby and she got pregnant almost immediately. We had another beautiful baby girl less than a year after we lost our son. We were both on cloud 9 and madly in love. Or so I thought. After she went back to work she started bringing up my ex assistant manager in conversation from time to time (we're now in September 2014). So one day I confronted her and asked if she was having an affair with him. And of course like all cheaters she said no. Since I had no evidence I dropped the subject. About month later I happened to notice her receiving a message on her phone from a number with no contact info saying something vague like, of course I liked it. I wanted to find out a little more before i confronted her so I didn't bring it to her attention. The very next day our baby ended up in the ER then transferred to the P.I.C.U. and staying in there for a week. So I never investigated the message and I actually forgot about it because of our daughter's hospital visit. We both took time off but I only took 2 weeks off to care for our daughter. Because If I don't work the bills don't get paid. So I went back to work doing a physically demanding job working 12-13 a day. after a month my wife went back to work too. My daughter mean while has multiple doctors appointments a week now, but that is a whole other story. From time to time I noticed these random texts on her phone from her saying "can i borrow your keys to the wine room." And him saying "ok I'll be there right now" . But I couldn't prove anything yet because for her job she does actually have to borrow keys to the wine room from managers. It just seemed strange that she would only text this number to ask for the keys and not any other manager. I even checked our phone bill but they only text a couple times a month while at work. so i still didn't have the proof to bring them down. Fast forward to mid January my wife tells me my ex assistant manager found a new job and would be quitting soon. You could tell she wasn't happy about, but she wasn't sad either. He no longer works there and Then comes February 19th 2015. I just happen to log on to our phone provider to pay our bill and notice that all of a sudden she had texted that same number over 300 times in the last week having sent 20 pics messages too. But she always erases all the texts before i get home. when I see this I know I have her dead to rights. But I want concrete evidence so I download an app on to her phone that records all texts and pics taken. I want to be able to show her that I have the evidence. But I couldn't wait. I called the number and and asked the voice on the other end if this was .... and I said his name and he just asked who's this and I told him who I was and he just panicked said uuuh. uuuuuh. then hung up. I then called my wife at work and asked her was it merely flirting or did you have an affair w/the OM and she said there was no sex. I then asked her who it was and she said she couldn't tell me. I then asked her if it was because I knew the other person and she said yes. I then said it was .... after all and she said yes. and that they did indeed have sex. And I asked her if they ever used protection and she said no. and I then asked her if he finished inside of her she said no. I then asked her if she ever had him in her mouth and she said yes. I then asked if he finished her mouth and she said yes,but she didn't want him to, that he didn't warn her and just let it go. I hung up with her and called the OM back over and over and over and over again until he finally answered. And I asked him why and how long. He swore it only happened twice. Once in December and once in early February. I called him a few names and hung up in anger. My wife called me back multiple times before I decided to answer. Then came the water works and all the normal stuff, I don't like him, the sex was horrible, there's no emotions involved what so ever. It's just something that happened because it felt good to be wanted sexually again by someone else anyone else, it gave her a high she hadn't had in long time. Especially with all the tough times we've endured over the years blah blah blah. I asked where it took place and she said in the wine room downstairs at work. And that it had been going on since september 2014. But that he would put it in her for maaayybbbeee 2 mins then pull out because he was afraid someone would hear and catch them. so he only finished twice, so from what I can gather he only counted the 2 times he finished as the affair saying there weren't any other sexual encounters with her. The next day I drove to the OM's new job and he was scared when he heard my voice on the other end of the phone when I called his office to tell him I was outside. He came outside and started blaming her for everything and then said he was a sex addict and would've slept with anyone it just so happened my wife was there and willing. That it happened to him so he wanted to get his wife back. That he and his wife have an open relationship but she could only be with women and he could do his thing as long as he didn't get caught. That he cried that whole night and how he begged her to stop every time but she wouldn't and being a sex addict he couldn't resist. That since he left the old job he started going to church and blah blah blah but He stuck to his story saying it only happened twice once around christmas and once about 3 weeks ago. From text records I can gather it was 12/28/2014 and 02/1/2015. When I got home home I told her what he said and you could just see her start to upset but didn't say anything. I just told her had she been there she would've punched him just by the stuff he said about her. I didn't lay a finger on him because he's not worth going jail for and losing my kids. she then repeated her story that it happened a handful of times but that he indeed only finish twice.SO now I have a wife who I love who's cheated on me with someone I knew, who's leaving her job very soon to care for, a baby who has to go to so many different therapy sessions and specialists it would make your head spin and A soon to be 5 year old. I don't feel I can leave in good conscious or take my kids from there mother. I've stuck around for now but I haven't fully decided to if I can stick out for the run yet. Here it is 7 days later and I've only slept about 12 hours and eaten 3-4 times. I'm a wreck, I've only worked one day all week. I obsess about the affair, going through this emotional roller coaster. They both called it a playfair, saying there was no feelings involved, neither ever promissed each other anything or ever had a thought of leaving there spouse. What would've happened if I wouldn't have caught them. WOuld it have continued and gotten worse considering she was about to have more free time...idk


----------



## arbitrator

*2monkeys: I am so very sorry to see you here! But it is rather apparent that your W has been playing you for a fool, and probably for the duration of your marriage, and then some! She's lied to you, has rugswept, and has virtually done everything that she could to foster her illicit relationships.

In a nutshell, her OM apparently is not the only one who is a "sex addict." I would also think that she meets those same sordid qualifications, greatly to the point that she would hook up with damned near anything with a pair of pants with a zipper on it!

You have a major dilemma in that you now have an element of "probable causation" to even question the paternity of your daughters ~ which you should do! And if you haven't had a blood test done on yourself to check for the presence of STD's, then you best get busy!

You need to immediately implement "the 180" on your W, procure copies of the books Married Man's Sex Life by Athol Kay, and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover.

*


----------



## GusPolinski

2monkeys said:


> First let me tell you a little something about our situation. I'm 36 and she's 25. We've been together since she was 18 and I was 28. We met at work and even though we never planned on being anything more than a fling. But after about 9 months of messing around she got pregnant with our first daughter. We decided we would give "us" a serious go at it, since we both came from divorced parents. We new we didn't want our kid coming up with two separate families. I left the job where we met shortly after she got pregnant in order to take a higher paying job. A couple months After our daughter was born my father got terminally ill and was living in a different state. So 2-3 times a week I would make the 6 hour drive to go see him immediately after I got out of work. Then turn around and drive back a couple hours later to go back to work or to spend a few hours with my family. While I was logging all these crazy hours and miles one night I happened I log on to our computer and I found that she had been having a cyber affair with her ex. They never met up but she would send him pics and message him all day. I was to tired to and stressed with my dads situation and having a new baby. That I told her never to do it again or we were done. She cried and swore that she wouldn't. I let it be and moved on. Fast forward two years later and she's pregnant again this time with my son. But there were complications 2 weeks before he was due and we lost him. We immediately tried to have another baby and she got pregnant almost immediately. We had another beautiful baby girl less than a year after we lost our son. We were both on cloud 9 and madly in love. Or so I thought. After she went back to work she started bringing up my ex assistant manager in conversation from time to time (we're now in September 2014). So one day I confronted her and asked if she was having an affair with him. And of course like all cheaters she said no. Since I had no evidence I dropped the subject. About month later I happened to notice her receiving a message on her phone from a number with no contact info saying something vague like, of course I liked it. I wanted to find out a little more before i confronted her so I didn't bring it to her attention. The very next day our baby ended up in the ER then transferred to the P.I.C.U. and staying in there for a week. So I never investigated the message and I actually forgot about it because of our daughter's hospital visit. We both took time off but I only took 2 weeks off to care for our daughter. Because If I don't work the bills don't get paid. So I went back to work doing a physically demanding job working 12-13 a day. after a month my wife went back to work too. My daughter mean while has multiple doctors appointments a week now, but that is a whole other story. From time to time I noticed these random texts on her phone from her saying "can i borrow your keys to the wine room." And him saying "ok I'll be there right now" . But I couldn't prove anything yet because for her job she does actually have to borrow keys to the wine room from managers. It just seemed strange that she would only text this number to ask for the keys and not any other manager. I even checked our phone bill but they only text a couple times a month while at work. so i still didn't have the proof to bring them down. Fast forward to mid January my wife tells me my ex assistant manager found a new job and would be quitting soon. You could tell she wasn't happy about, but she wasn't sad either. He no longer works there and Then comes February 19th 2015. I just happen to log on to our phone provider to pay our bill and notice that all of a sudden she had texted that same number over 300 times in the last week having sent 20 pics messages too. But she always erases all the texts before i get home. when I see this I know I have her dead to rights. But I want concrete evidence so I download an app on to her phone that records all texts and pics taken. I want to be able to show her that I have the evidence. But I couldn't wait. I called the number and and asked the voice on the other end if this was .... and I said his name and he just asked who's this and I told him who I was and he just panicked said uuuh. uuuuuh. then hung up. I then called my wife at work and asked her was it merely flirting or did you have an affair w/the OM and she said there was no sex. I then asked her who it was and she said she couldn't tell me. I then asked her if it was because I knew the other person and she said yes. I then said it was .... after all and she said yes. and that they did indeed have sex. And I asked her if they ever used protection and she said no. and I then asked her if he finished inside of her she said no. I then asked her if she ever had him in her mouth and she said yes. I then asked if he finished her mouth and she said yes,but she didn't want him to, that he didn't warn her and just let it go. I hung up with her and called the OM back over and over and over and over again until he finally answered. And I asked him why and how long. He swore it only happened twice. Once in December and once in early February. I called him a few names and hung up in anger. My wife called me back multiple times before I decided to answer. Then came the water works and all the normal stuff, I don't like him, the sex was horrible, there's no emotions involved what so ever. It's just something that happened because it felt good to be wanted sexually again by someone else anyone else, it gave her a high she hadn't had in long time. Especially with all the tough times we've endured over the years blah blah blah. I asked where it took place and she said in the wine room downstairs at work. And that it had been going on since september 2014. But that he would put it in her for maaayybbbeee 2 mins then pull out because he was afraid someone would hear and catch them. so he only finished twice, so from what I can gather he only counted the 2 times he finished as the affair saying there weren't any other sexual encounters with her. The next day I drove to the OM's new job and he was scared when he heard my voice on the other end of the phone when I called his office to tell him I was outside. He came outside and started blaming her for everything and then said he was a sex addict and would've slept with anyone it just so happened my wife was there and willing. That it happened to him so he wanted to get his wife back. That he and his wife have an open relationship but she could only be with women and he could do his thing as long as he didn't get caught. That he cried that whole night and how he begged her to stop every time but she wouldn't and being a sex addict he couldn't resist. That since he left the old job he started going to church and blah blah blah but He stuck to his story saying it only happened twice once around christmas and once about 3 weeks ago. From text records I can gather it was 12/28/2014 and 02/1/2015. When I got home home I told her what he said and you could just see her start to upset but didn't say anything. I just told her had she been there she would've punched him just by the stuff he said about her. I didn't lay a finger on him because he's not worth going jail for and losing my kids. she then repeated her story that it happened a handful of times but that he indeed only finish twice.SO now I have a wife who I love who's cheated on me with someone I knew, who's leaving her job very soon to care for, a baby who has to go to so many different therapy sessions and specialists it would make your head spin and A soon to be 5 year old. I don't feel I can leave in good conscious or take my kids from there mother. I've stuck around for now but I haven't fully decided to if I can stick out for the run yet. Here it is 7 days later and I've only slept about 12 hours and eaten 3-4 times. I'm a wreck, I've only worked one day all week. I obsess about the affair, going through this emotional roller coaster. They both called it a playfair, saying there was no feelings involved, neither ever promissed each other anything or ever had a thought of leaving there spouse. What would've happened if I wouldn't have caught them. WOuld it have continued and gotten worse considering she was about to have more free time...idk


Paragraphs.

Please.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Get tested for STDs.... DNA test the kids.... She has a proven track record from the time she was 18 of having unprotected sex with random dudes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nawlins

2Monkeys,
Please do not allow her to quit the job until you have sorted this out. If she leaves the job and you decide you cannot stay married, you pay for everything. Tell her that some other arrangements need to be made take of your child given what you now know of her affair. Your WS needs to understand that if she could have an affair while working and caring for your sick child, she can continue to work and care for your sick child. Otherwise, you get to deal with this and be the sole breadwinner which only makes your situation more complicated. Make her send you a written timeline of the affair via email (for proof). Tell the AP to send you one as well or you will tell his wife.


----------



## GusPolinski

1. They're both lying. It was more than twice.

2. Expose the affair to OM's wife. Be prepared to show her evidence.

3. STD tests for the both of you.

4. DNA your kids.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Put a nice YELP review for the restaurant online. I would hate to pay $$$$ for a bottle of wine that was up someone's naked butt crack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

2monkeys said:


> First let me tell you a little something about our situation. I'm 36 and she's 25.
> 
> We've been together since she was 18 and I was 28. We met at work and even though we never planned on being anything more than a fling. But after about 9 months of messing around she got pregnant with our first daughter.
> 
> We decided we would give "us" a serious go at it, since we both came from divorced parents. We new we didn't want our kid coming up with two separate families. I left the job where we met shortly after she got pregnant in order to take a higher paying job.
> 
> A couple months After our daughter was born my father got terminally ill and was living in a different state. So 2-3 times a week I would make the 6 hour drive to go see him immediately after I got out of work. Then turn around and drive back a couple hours later to go back to work or to spend a few hours with my family. While I was logging all these crazy hours and miles one night I happened I log on to our computer and I found that she had been having a cyber affair with her ex. They never met up but she would send him pics and message him all day.
> 
> I was to tired to and stressed with my dads situation and having a new baby. That I told her never to do it again or we were done. She cried and swore that she wouldn't. I let it be and moved on.
> 
> Fast forward two years later and she's pregnant again this time with my son. But there were complications 2 weeks before he was due and we lost him.
> 
> We immediately tried to have another baby and she got pregnant almost immediately. We had another beautiful baby girl less than a year after we lost our son. We were both on cloud 9 and madly in love.
> 
> Or so I thought. After she went back to work she started bringing up my ex assistant manager in conversation from time to time (we're now in September 2014). So one day I confronted her and asked if she was having an affair with him.
> 
> And of course like all cheaters she said no. Since I had no evidence I dropped the subject. About month later I happened to notice her receiving a message on her phone from a number with no contact info saying something vague like, of course I liked it.
> 
> I wanted to find out a little more before i confronted her so I didn't bring it to her attention. The very next day our baby ended up in the ER then transferred to the P.I.C.U. and staying in there for a week.
> 
> So I never investigated the message and I actually forgot about it because of our daughter's hospital visit. We both took time off but I only took 2 weeks off to care for our daughter.
> 
> Because If I don't work the bills don't get paid. So I went back to work doing a physically demanding job working 12-13 a day. after a month my wife went back to work too. My daughter mean while has multiple doctors appointments a week now, but that is a whole other story.
> 
> From time to time I noticed these random texts on her phone from her saying "can i borrow your keys to the wine room." And him saying "ok I'll be there right now" . But I couldn't prove anything yet because for her job she does actually have to borrow keys to the wine room from managers. It just seemed strange that she would only text this number to ask for the keys and not any other manager.
> 
> I even checked our phone bill but they only text a couple times a month while at work. so i still didn't have the proof to bring them down. Fast forward to mid January my wife tells me my ex assistant manager found a new job and would be quitting soon.
> 
> You could tell she wasn't happy about, but she wasn't sad either. He no longer works there and Then comes February 19th 2015. I just happen to log on to our phone provider to pay our bill and notice that all of a sudden she had texted that same number over 300 times in the last week having sent 20 pics messages too.
> 
> But she always erases all the texts before i get home. when I see this I know I have her dead to rights. But I want concrete evidence so I download an app on to her phone that records all texts and pics taken. I want to be able to show her that I have the evidence.
> 
> But I couldn't wait. I called the number and and asked the voice on the other end if this was .... and I said his name and he just asked who's this and I told him who I was and he just panicked said uuuh. uuuuuh. then hung up.
> 
> I then called my wife at work and asked her was it merely flirting or did you have an affair w/the OM and she said there was no sex. I then asked her who it was and she said she couldn't tell me.
> 
> I then asked her if it was because I knew the other person and she said yes. I then said it was .... after all and she said yes. and that they did indeed have sex.
> 
> And I asked her if they ever used protection and she said no. and I then asked her if he finished inside of her she said no. I then asked her if she ever had him in her mouth and she said yes. I then asked if he finished her mouth and she said yes,but she didn't want him to, that he didn't warn her and just let it go.
> 
> I hung up with her and called the OM back over and over and over and over again until he finally answered. And I asked him why and how long. He swore it only happened twice. Once in December and once in early February. I called him a few names and hung up in anger.
> 
> My wife called me back multiple times before I decided to answer. Then came the water works and all the normal stuff, I don't like him, the sex was horrible, there's no emotions involved what so ever.
> 
> It's just something that happened because it felt good to be wanted sexually again by someone else anyone else, it gave her a high she hadn't had in long time. Especially with all the tough times we've endured over the years blah blah blah. I asked where it took place and she said in the wine room downstairs at work.
> 
> And that it had been going on since september 2014. But that he would put it in her for maaayybbbeee 2 mins then pull out because he was afraid someone would hear and catch them. so he only finished twice, so from what I can gather he only counted the 2 times he finished as the affair saying there weren't any other sexual encounters with her.
> 
> The next day I drove to the OM's new job and he was scared when he heard my voice on the other end of the phone when I called his office to tell him I was outside. He came outside and started blaming her for everything and then said he was a sex addict and would've slept with anyone it just so happened my wife was there and willing.
> 
> That it happened to him so he wanted to get his wife back. That he and his wife have an open relationship but she could only be with women and he could do his thing as long as he didn't get caught.
> 
> That he cried that whole night and how he begged her to stop every time but she wouldn't and being a sex addict he couldn't resist.
> 
> That since he left the old job he started going to church and blah blah blah but He stuck to his story saying it only happened twice once around christmas and once about 3 weeks ago. From text records I can gather it was 12/28/2014 and 02/1/2015.
> 
> When I got home home I told her what he said and you could just see her start to upset but didn't say anything. I just told her had she been there she would've punched him just by the stuff he said about her.
> 
> I didn't lay a finger on him because he's not worth going jail for and losing my kids. she then repeated her story that it happened a handful of times but that he indeed only finish twice.
> 
> SO now I have a wife who I love who's cheated on me with someone I knew, who's leaving her job very soon to care for, a baby who has to go to so many different therapy sessions and specialists it would make your head spin and A soon to be 5 year old.
> 
> I don't feel I can leave in good conscious or take my kids from there mother. I've stuck around for now but I haven't fully decided to if I can stick out for the run yet. Here it is 7 days later and I've only slept about 12 hours and eaten 3-4 times.
> 
> I'm a wreck, I've only worked one day all week. I obsess about the affair, going through this emotional roller coaster. They both called it a playfair, saying there was no feelings involved, neither ever promissed each other anything or ever had a thought of leaving there spouse. What would've happened if I wouldn't have caught them.
> 
> WOuld it have continued and gotten worse considering she was about to have more free time...idk


 Even with paragraphs it looks like an utter mess. 

DNA tests, lie detector for your wife, counselling if she passes the test.

Oh, yeah. CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know.


----------



## GusPolinski

MattMatt said:


> Even with paragraphs it looks like an utter mess.
> 
> DNA tests, lie detector for your wife, counselling if she passes the test.
> 
> Oh, yeah. CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know.


I wouldn't even _mention_ a poly w/o having solid monitoring (keyloggers on computers, access to all e-mail -- especially Gmail -- and social media accounts, spyware on phone, etc) in place FIRST.

After all, you'd want to catch any Google searches to the tune of "how to beat a polygraph".


----------



## PhillyGuy13

DNA first.. If it comes back no match.., second step is the lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

Is your wife a waitress or bar tender? I think other people at work knew they were doing it doggy style during breaks or after work.

Tell OM's wife. Call her. Don't tell your wife you are going to do it.

You don't want to divorce because of your children. Is one of the them handicapped?

Since your wife is weak and unreliable divorce is best IMO. You should tell her that you also want an open marriage. No bringing sex partners round residence or children.

Take control of finances. Do the 180. Are you having sex?


----------



## wmn1

these bloody open relationships like the ex manager had. They creep into other relationships and blow them up too. 
However, it's not on the ex manager, it's on your wife.

You forgave her once over the nasty cyber affair and she does this to you ?

As Gus said avove, solid monitoring is necessary and build a case file of her activities while you settle down and figure things out. I can assure you unfortunately that your WW is not done with her affairs and while you feel inclined to stay with her now over the kids, the day may come when you can't anymore and you will need to protect yourself in some legal proceedings.

She is not to quit work as Nawlins said. That will give her more time and who knows what she'll do with it. 

In the end, everything is your call now.

BTW, don't get caught up in the 'playfair' garbage. It doesn't matter if they were going to leave or not (in fact with her worsening record, there may be a day where you wish she would have) and forget the fact that there were no emotions. The true fact is that they turned into selfish idiot$ and this whole argument about 'it was only sex' tells me that when they devalue it, it gives them a feeling that it's not so bad and the chance of it recurring is greater.

I fear for your future as this is becoming a pattern with your WW. You must take control, be aggressive and have an exit strategy in case this continues to become an ongoing thing throughout your marriage


----------



## wmn1

LongWalk said:


> Is your wife a waitress or bar tender? I think other people at work knew they were doing it doggy style during breaks or after work.
> 
> Tell OM's wife. Call her. Don't tell your wife you are going to do it.
> 
> You don't want to divorce because of your children. Is one of the them handicapped?
> 
> Since your wife is weak and unreliable divorce is best IMO. You should tell her that you also want an open marriage. No bringing sex partners round residence or children.
> 
> Take control of finances. Do the 180. Are you having sex?


I am most of the time on the side of divorce and am in this case as well. The situation with the kids are a little worse in this one. So I know OP won't detach.

I reject the notion of open marriage. The kids will grow up in a joke of a household, women can get it easier than guys so OP will then be sitting back taking care of the kids while his wife ends up seeing more D*** than a urinal, and their relationship will be dead at an early age.

I would rather suggest for him to come up with an exit strategy now and prepare and pull the plug at a certain time in the future.

Longwalk, I do like one idea you made though. he could test her by saying 'I want an open marriage' and see two things 1) Is she a cakeeater and wants him to be loyal while she cheats ? or 2) If she says 'he11 yes' then ....

in case 1) he can turn it around on her and say 'why not because it looks like you were in a one way open marriage behind my back, why shouldn't I cheat on you ?' and instill a lesson in her to wake her up and give her one last try to live a clean life or in case 2) Lawyer up, divorce immediately and other than custody and child support, never look back. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid those


----------



## BobSimmons

You can divorce and still look after the child. You just won't be married to a cheating spouse.

Pretty simple.


----------



## MattMatt

GusPolinski said:


> I wouldn't even _mention_ a poly w/o having solid monitoring (keyloggers on computers, access to all e-mail -- especially Gmail -- and social media accounts, spyware on phone, etc) in place FIRST.
> 
> After all, you'd want to catch any Google searches to the tune of "how to beat a polygraph".


:iagree:

Good catch. 

Actually, such a search term would mean 'game over' as far as I would be concerned.


----------



## Borntohang

Let me get this straight. She had no feelings for him. He did her multiple times, bent over in the wine room and again she had no feelings for him? Wow! Makes me feel safe about the next time! 
DNA the kids and let her know you are! Let her know how much trust you have in her!


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Borntohang said:


> Let me get this straight. She had no feelings for him. He did her multiple times, bent over in the wine room and again she had no feelings for him? Wow! Make me feel safe about the next time!
> DNA the kids and let her know you are! Let her know how much trust you have in her!


And she gave zero f--ks as far as who knew about it. You telling me in a busy restaurant not one dishwasher, busboy, barback, hostess, manager, cook, waiter or bartender knew about their trysts to the wine cellar? Yeah right. Whether they knew or not, didn't matter to her. Don't show your face in that restaurant again, you must be a laughing stock there thanks to her.

She didn't even have the decency to get a private hotel room. She had utter disregard for her children and her marriage.

Get rid of her, toot sweet.


----------



## Thound

Staying married just for the childrens sake is teaching them how to be a doormat. IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

My feeling is that you got together with her when she was 18, barely out of high school, and she was basically forced into this when she got pregnant. She isn't ready to be settled..... there's an enormous difference between 18 and 28. You'd already lived some life and she hadn't. She wasn't emotionally ready to be tied down with two kids, one of them ill, with her hb gone all the time. Not your fault, just the natural consequences of getting involved with someone barely legal. 

It's possible she'll grow out of this but there's been a lot of damage. And it likely won't be her last, so decide what you can live with. Might be better for you guys to move on and coparent.

Frankly I'm surprised nobody's addressed that she was only 18..... once people read affair the response is pretty much standard unfortunately. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13

lifeistooshort said:


> Frankly I'm surprised nobody's addressed that she was only 18..... once people read affair the response is pretty much standard unfortunately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I went down that road recently on another thread, OP got a bit defensive as to my implications. 11 year age difference, OP married at 18, hubby is now 37 and is now sexting - with 18 year old. "But he's not like that". Okay.

Anyway if 40 is the new 30, then 18 is the new 8. Kids shouldnt get married. My take anyway.


----------



## lifeistooshort

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I went down that road recently on another thread, OP got a bit defensive as to my implications. 11 year age difference, OP married at 18, hubby is now 37 and is now sexting - with 18 year old. "But he's not like that". Okay.



I saw that thread and I agree with you. He is like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha

2monkeys, really sorry to have you here. Here are my thoughts on the matter in hand:


As has been said you married someone really young and quite a bit younger than you. It really sounds like she has (had) some growing up to do and is no where near ready for a steady relationship and family life. So while it might take some time for her to "stabilise" , the damage has been done and it sounds like it is not going to be easy to fix.


I also do not think that the cheating is limited to what you know. I feel fairly convinced that there have been other episodes of cheating that you will never know about. The ease with which she moves into a cheating situation, then lies about it and on the odd chance that she gets caught, expresses fake remorse and gets let off the hook. From her point of view, the odds are pretty good at not being caught and the consequences not too bad. This is not her first physical rodeo. And remember these are nearly always bareback so get checked, and more importantly DNA the kids.


As part of her growing up, she seems to be developing some really psychotic trends - her being able to do this while having a fairly sick child at home is psychotic to say the least. Not too sure about her mothering instincts.


Net result is I would never be able to trust her until I know all of her basic problems have been fixed (which could be never). In any case you cannot trust a single word she says now. And the remorse she is showing is fake (but I guess you know that).


I understand you staying around for your children especially the baby that is unwell. You may need to find a way to care for them while being ready to walk away from your wife.


She needs to see real consequences from you so file for D even if you by some miracle manage to work this out and reconcile later. Secure your finances and consult an attorney to protect your custody/child access rights. Make sure you secure all your evidence away from her. And of course, do the 180 to help you heal and detach from all of this. And work on yourself physically too.


Make sure you tell the POSOM's wife and also report the establishment they work for (if it is a restaurant give them a bad review and say why). If you believe that other workers knew about this then the chances are high that the management will have known too (and may even have been in on it). You may have a case for "alienation of affection" which could be worth a lot of money to you.

I wish you the best of luck with this and take care.


----------



## lifeistooshort

manfromlamancha said:


> 2monkeys, really sorry to have you here. Here are my thoughts on the matter in hand:
> 
> 
> As has been said you married someone really young and quite a bit younger than you. It really sounds like she has (had) some growing up to do and is no where near ready for a steady relationship and family life. So while it might take some time for her to "stabilise" , the damage has been done and it sounds like it is not going to be easy to fix.
> 
> 
> I also do not think that the cheating is limited to what you know. I feel fairly convinced that there have been other episodes of cheating that you will never know about. The ease with which she moves into a cheating situation, then lies about it and on the odd chance that she gets caught, expresses fake remorse and gets let off the hook. From her point of view, the odds are pretty good at not being caught and the consequences not too bad. This is not her first physical rodeo. And remember these are nearly always bareback so get checked, and more importantly DNA the kids.
> 
> 
> As part of her growing up, she seems to be developing some really psychotic trends - her being able to do this while having a fairly sick child at home is psychotic to say the least. Not too sure about her mothering instincts.
> 
> 
> Net result is I would never be able to trust her until I know all of her basic problems have been fixed (which could be never). In any case you cannot trust a single word she says now. And the remorse she is showing is fake (but I guess you know that).
> 
> 
> I understand you staying around for your children especially the baby that is unwell. You may need to find a way to care for them while being ready to walk away from your wife.
> 
> 
> She needs to see real consequences from you so file for D even if you by some miracle manage to work this out and reconcile later. Secure your finances and consult an attorney to protect your custody/child access rights. Make sure you secure all your evidence away from her. And of course, do the 180 to help you heal and detach from all of this. And work on yourself physically too.
> 
> 
> Make sure you tell the POSOM's wife and also report the establishment they work for (if it is a restaurant give them a bad review and say why). If you believe that other workers knew about this then the chances are high that the management will have known too (and may even have been in on it). You may have a case for "alienation of affection" which could be worth a lot of money to you.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck with this and take care.


I agree with much of this but disagree that she's necessarily psychotic. I suspect it's more of an escape from responsibilities she's not ready for, and her husband isn't necessarily around to lend a lot of support. I'm sure he'll correct me if this isn't the case. 

Clearly her choices are poor and are not going to end well, but young people do stupid sh!t all the time. That's why they're not supposed to marry and knock out kids before they get said stupid sh!t out of their system
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## adriana

lifeistooshort said:


> Frankly I'm surprised nobody's addressed that she was only 18..... once people read affair the response is pretty much standard unfortunately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Absolutely! CWI's posters are always hungry for another _cheating wife_ story. And the response is usually the same regardless of the circumstances.... the adulterous wife gets stoned and her betrayed husband gets an instant absolution.

Lifeistooshort is right.... 28 year old man shouldn't get involved in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with 18 year old girl. And now, like often the case, two innocent children will pay the price of stupidity of their parents. Sad but true.


----------



## 2monkeys

Thank you to everyone who has replied and will reply to my post. You all have valid points and I see where you're all coming from. I am not making excuses at all for my wife. I know she is 100% to blame for what happened. She had every chance to say no to the tryst and had every chance to stop before she got caught. It has rocked my world since I found out and I am completely and utterly devastated. I have to put up front for friends and family because I feel it isn't fair to kids if everyone knows. But, She was younger (18) when we met and young (20) when we started a family. She's never had a chance to go crazy and sew her oats like most of us do in our early 20's. We have experienced a lot of heart ache and loss in a short time . Which would be difficult for anyone, throw in post partum, a feeling of her life is passing her by, her young age which leaves her Ill equipped to handle tough situations. She see's and hears about the stories of her "friends" going to Vegas multiple times, staying up all night playing beer pong, partying,talking about new loves, getting degrees , 1 night stands etc... I remember being that age and hearing stories and saying "F" it I want to do this and then going out and doing it. Picking up and moving from 1 state to another without hesitation. I've lived all over california, nevada, Arizona and was on my way to Hawaii when we found out she was pregnant with our 1st child. I've had 1 night stands and partied day and night while Making new friends and having all these great experiences that have helped form me into the person I am today. A person who is equipped to handle most things thrown his way. And I can look back and say without any hesitation what so ever, I wouldn't have been able to handle what my wife and I have gone thru at her early age. Simple things used to crush me and I would lash out at the world or self destruct with women and alcohol. So I can see where she is coming from when she says it felt good to get that rush of experiencing something new and having that excited feeling of someone other than me wanting her. Especially since she has Been pregnant 3 out of the the last 5 years. Her feeling of self worth was and is low because she doesn't have the body she once had. Guys don't flirt with her like they used to. She doesn't get invited to all these events that her "friends" throw. I am still trying to make sense of it all and understand everything. IDK how long it's going to be before I can finally close my eyes and not see his penis in her mouth or his penis in her period. Or be able to close my eyes and not have these waves of emotions come over me anymore. I am going to give her 1 more chance. She knows what she has to lose if I even THINK something is going on. We have setup an appointment with a therapist to talk about everything. Our family, our losses, her transgressions, ourselves, everything. If it doesn't work out then at least I can look back with a clear conscious and say I gave it everything I had to make it work and if she doesn't then it's on her at that point. I know I am a good father, husband and man. I am not perfect and I have my momentary lapses in judgment, nothing remotely close to hers. But I always own my mistakes and try to be the person I can be. So if I end up a single father of two daughters, I'll be ready. Please continue to post because all your comments have valid points and help me see things and think about things I hadn't thought of yet.


----------



## Dogbert

Unless it is absolutely necessary for her to stay home to take care of your children, you should not insist on her quitting her job. Your grueling schedule could literally kill you and then you wouldn't be of much use to your children.


----------



## manfromlamancha

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree with much of this but disagree that she's necessarily psychotic. I suspect it's more of an escape from responsibilities she's not ready for, and her husband isn't necessarily around to lend a lot of support. I'm sure he'll correct me if this isn't the case.
> 
> Clearly her choices are poor and are not going to end well, but young people do stupid sh!t all the time. That's why they're not supposed to marry and knock out kids before they get said stupid sh!t out of their system
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually I agree completely with you. I did not say she was psychotic - what I said is that she seems to be developing some psychotic trends while growing up.

The sad fact is, as you say, kids do some stupid sh!t and when you have teenage pregnancies, and if they decide to keep the baby, teenage mums need special help and advice to help them become mothers. Some do take to it naturally though (maternal instincts). The ones that don't and that do not get any help, can develop these trends and sometimes even resentment at having their childhood taken away. Which is what OP needs to be aware of.

As for the young age at which this happened, I also have many questions about what a 28 year old fully grown and developed man was doing hanging around a school kid! And then making her pregnant??? However that's a different discussion.

OP has to have this honest discussion with his wife and then, if necessary, offer her a way out where she knows her kids are taken care of and she gets the counselling help she clearly needs.

But while this is going on, the cheating needs to stop. And if she truly understands the lifeline being thrown to her, she should stop of her own accord. Even if the lifeline involves divorce.


----------



## wmn1

2monkeys said:


> Thank you to everyone who has replied and will reply to my post. You all have valid points and I see where you're all coming from. I am not making excuses at all for my wife. I know she is 100% to blame for what happened. She had every chance to say no to the tryst and had every chance to stop before she got caught. It has rocked my world since I found out and I am completely and utterly devastated. I have to put up front for friends and family because I feel it isn't fair to kids if everyone knows. But, She was younger (18) when we met and young (20) when we started a family. She's never had a chance to go crazy and sew her oats like most of us do in our early 20's. We have experienced a lot of heart ache and loss in a short time . Which would be difficult for anyone, throw in post partum, a feeling of her life is passing her by, her young age which leaves her Ill equipped to handle tough situations. She see's and hears about the stories of her "friends" going to Vegas multiple times, staying up all night playing beer pong, partying,talking about new loves, getting degrees , 1 night stands etc... I remember being that age and hearing stories and saying "F" it I want to do this and then going out and doing it. Picking up and moving from 1 state to another without hesitation. I've lived all over california, nevada, Arizona and was on my way to Hawaii when we found out she was pregnant with our 1st child. I've had 1 night stands and partied day and night while Making new friends and having all these great experiences that have helped form me into the person I am today. A person who is equipped to handle most things thrown his way. And I can look back and say without any hesitation what so ever, I wouldn't have been able to handle what my wife and I have gone thru at her early age. Simple things used to crush me and I would lash out at the world or self destruct with women and alcohol. So I can see where she is coming from when she says it felt good to get that rush of experiencing something new and having that excited feeling of someone other than me wanting her. Especially since she has Been pregnant 3 out of the the last 5 years. Her feeling of self worth was and is low because she doesn't have the body she once had. Guys don't flirt with her like they used to. She doesn't get invited to all these events that her "friends" throw. I am still trying to make sense of it all and understand everything. IDK how long it's going to be before I can finally close my eyes and not see his penis in her mouth or his penis in her period. Or be able to close my eyes and not have these waves of emotions come over me anymore. I am going to give her 1 more chance. She knows what she has to lose if I even THINK something is going on. We have setup an appointment with a therapist to talk about everything. Our family, our losses, her transgressions, ourselves, everything. If it doesn't work out then at least I can look back with a clear conscious and say I gave it everything I had to make it work and if she doesn't then it's on her at that point. I know I am a good father, husband and man. I am not perfect and I have my momentary lapses in judgment, nothing remotely close to hers. But I always own my mistakes and try to be the person I can be. So if I end up a single father of two daughters, I'll be ready. Please continue to post because all your comments have valid points and help me see things and think about things I hadn't thought of yet.


even with age, stop making excuses. She married and knew what she did was wrong. There are no excuses for cheating, especially after married. 

Be ready for yourself just in case


----------



## lifeistooshort

I think you're wasting your time. You're going to give her one more chance, but even if she does nothing else she won't be happy. She's going to hit mid life hard, and as you've said yourself you're basicall yesterday expecting from her what you wouldn't have been able to do yourself. Next time find someone your own age.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

wmn1 said:


> even with age, stop making excuses. She married and knew what she did was wrong. There are no excuses for cheating, especially after married.
> 
> Be ready for yourself just in case


Of course, the fact that he hooked up with a kid has no bearing on anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dogbert

lifeistooshort said:


> I think you're wasting your time. You're going to give her one more chance, but even if she does nothing else she won't be happy. She's going to hit mid life hard, and as you've said yourself you're basicall yesterday expecting from her what you wouldn't have been able to do yourself.


She won't be happy being a single mom with two little girls while trying to hold on to a crappy job either. She has to find it like the rest of us, inside herself.



> Next time find someone your own age.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People who marry at a very young age have marriages that end fairly quickly when compared to other age groups. And furthermore, there have been a study or two that females of that age group are more likely to have affairs than men of that same age group.


----------



## warlock07

Will you definitely end it the next time she cheats ?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

When I started working where I still am right now, a coworker had a propensity of dating younger women. He was 29 at the time and any girls I ever heard him talk about were almost 18, or no older than 18 years old.

He got serious with one about 3 rears later. He was around 32 and her 19 when they ended up pregnant. I had warned him about the age difference leading up to this, but it fell on deaf ears.

I told him that you're having a kid with someone that's 11/12 years you junior. She just finished high school a few years ago. You're 30 and are going to want to do "30" things. She's 20 and going to want to do "20" things. This will always be there and it will always be a problem.

Well, she moved into his house. The baby was born. Then about 3/4 years later, I could tell that he wasn't happy. That something was wrong. I had warned him about postpartum after the baby was born. I told him that if she developed it, she would be ill equipped to deal with it(I had met her a few times and could see that she still had a lot of growing up to do). She had it, along with a few other problems, BPD, etc..

So I asked him why he looked so down. He told me that things weren't going that well at home. His GF was spending a lot of time with her step brother(while with the baby) when he was working.

I hadn't found TAM yet, but I already knew what she was doing after being cheated on by my ex. I gave him some pointers on what to look for and I told him do not confront too early like I had done. It had cost me almost an extra year of misery.

He never gave me the particulars, but he nailed her red handed. He was willing to try to make it work. She went along with it for about 6 months then bailed on him. She moved back home with her mother, Her mother's 2nd husband lived there also. And who else do you suppose also lives there?... You got it, the "step brother".

You see, when her mother remarried she(GF) was 12/14 years old. Her step brother was 15/16 years old. So they weren't truly step siblings in the common, or conventional sense. Apparently they had been smitten for each other for years, but had never acted on it. When she started bringing the baby to see her Grand Mother, she ended up seeing more of her SB.

She then started going over when the Grand Mother wasn't even there. They then started going out to places with the baby and the rest is history. You know, that old chest nut. Their relationship lasted a few years, but the SB eventually moved on to other girls(that didn't have a baby in tow). This is happening a thousand times as you read this. The players and scores are different, but the game remains the same.

I really felt bad for my friend, but I knew that this was going to happen. I get the feeling that it happens more often than not when someone 10, or more years older marries someone right out of high school. The younger person eventually will have to deal with the feeling that they some how were missing out.


----------



## 2monkeys

warlock07 said:


> Will you definitely end it the next time she cheats ?


Yes, I don't have it me anymore to try and make it work after this betrayal. I had mine and both my daughter's all packed up and ready to leave. But then my oldest gave me a kiss and told me she loved me and her mommy and it just broke my heart. I couldn't just give up on my family, just yet.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Dogbert said:


> She won't be happy being a single mom with two little girls while trying to hold on to a crappy job either. She has to find it like the rest of us, inside herself.
> 
> 
> 
> People who marry at a very young age have marriages that end fairly quickly when compared to other age groups. And furthermore, there have been a study or two that females of that age group are more likely to have affairs than men of that same age group.



I question the validity of a study that says young men don't cheat. Please, if they don't it's only for lack of opportunity a lot of the time. 

And if she stays because she doesn't want to be a single mother she'll be accused of using him for a paycheck, even if she works too.

I stand by my statement: find someone at the same point in life you are. A 28 year old man shouldn't have been screwing an 18 year old. Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dogbert

lifeistooshort said:


> I question the validity of a study that says young men don't cheat. Please, if they don't it's only for lack of opportunity a lot of the time.


You may question it but female infidelity is catching up with male infidelity. The study does not say that young men don't cheat but that young women are cheating more than their male counterparts



> And if she stays because she doesn't want to be a single mother she'll be accused of using him for a paycheck, even if she works too.


Accused by whom? Us? We're irrelevant. The only one's that count are the girls, the OP and his WW.

Perhaps the OP and his WW can successfully co-parent and act civil towards each other for the benefit of their girls and themselves as well.



> I stand by my statement: find someone at the same point in life you are. A 28 year old man shouldn't have been screwing an 18 year old. Period.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Young people may be adults under the law and have the bodies of adult men and women but as maturity is concerned, they still are growing.


----------



## wmn1

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course, the fact that he hooked up with a kid has no bearing on anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



married is married. I didn't realize age had anything to do with one's marital vows. And he didn't cheat. She did. But anyway :scratchhead:


----------



## sidney2718

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> When I started working where I still am right now, a coworker had a propensity of dating younger women. He was 29 at the time and any girls I ever heard him talk about were almost 18, or no older than 18 years old.
> 
> He got serious with one about 3 rears later. He was around 32 and her 19 when they ended up pregnant. I had warned him about the age difference leading up to this, but it fell on deaf ears.
> 
> I told him that you're having a kid with someone that's 11/12 years you junior. She just finished high school a few years ago. You're 30 and are going to want to do "30" things. She's 20 and going to want to do "20" things. This will always be there and it will always be a problem.
> 
> Well, she moved into his house. The baby was born. Then about 3/4 years later, I could tell that he wasn't happy. That something was wrong. I had warned him about postpartum after the baby was born. I told him that if she developed it, she would be ill equipped to deal with it(I had met her a few times and could see that she still had a lot of growing up to do). She had it, along with a few other problems, BPD, etc..
> 
> So I asked him why he looked so down. He told me that things weren't going that well at home. His GF was spending a lot of time with her step brother(while with the baby) when he was working.
> 
> I hadn't found TAM yet, but I already knew what she was doing after being cheated on by my ex. I gave him some pointers on what to look for and I told him do not confront too early like I had done. It had cost me almost an extra year of misery.
> 
> He never gave me the particulars, but he nailed her red handed. He was willing to try to make it work. She went along with it for about 6 months then bailed on him. She moved back home with her mother, Her mother's 2nd husband lived there also. And who else do you suppose also lives there?... You got it, the "step brother".
> 
> You see, when her mother remarried she(GF) was 12/14 years old. Her step brother was 15/16 years old. So they weren't truly step siblings in the common, or conventional sense. Apparently they had been smitten for each other for years, but had never acted on it. When she started bringing the baby to see her Grand Mother, she ended up seeing more of her SB.
> 
> She then started going over when the Grand Mother wasn't even there. They then started going out to places with the baby and the rest is history. You know, that old chest nut. Their relationship lasted a few years, but the SB eventually moved on to other girls(that didn't have a baby in tow). This is happening a thousand times as you read this. The players and scores are different, but the game remains the same.
> 
> I really felt bad for my friend, but I knew that this was going to happen. I get the feeling that it happens more often than not when someone 10, or more years older marries someone right out of high school. The younger person eventually will have to deal with the feeling that they some how were missing out.


There is all sorts of data out there, but most of it shows exactly what you say. The younger they are, the more chance they have of a divorce. The divorce rate is lowest for people who marry over the age of 30.


----------



## wmn1

lifeistooshort said:


> I question the validity of a study that says young men don't cheat. Please, if they don't it's only for lack of opportunity a lot of the time.
> 
> And if she stays because she doesn't want to be a single mother she'll be accused of using him for a paycheck, even if she works too.
> 
> I stand by my statement: find someone at the same point in life you are. A 28 year old man shouldn't have been screwing an 18 year old. Period.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't disagree that he should have found someone more of his age but again, she married him as well. 18 year olds can vote, drive and go to war. She knew what she was doing. Cheating is never justified period. Regardless of the spin placed on it.


----------



## wmn1

sidney2718 said:


> There is all sorts of data out there, but most of it shows exactly what you say. The younger they are, the more chance they have of a divorce. The divorce rate is lowest for people who marry over the age of 30.


I agree


----------



## wmn1

:iagree::iagree:


Dogbert said:


> You may question it but female infidelity is catching up with male infidelity. The study does not say that young men don't cheat but that young women are cheating more than their male counterparts
> 
> 
> 
> Accused by whom? Us? We're irrelevant. The only one's that count are the girls, the OP and his WW.
> 
> Perhaps the OP and his WW can successfully co-parent and act civil towards each other for the benefit of their girls and themselves as well.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree. Young people may be adults under the law and have the bodies of adult men and women but as maturity is concerned, they still are growing.



:iagree:

with all you said above


----------



## LongWalk

There is no absolute right or wrong here. Men who go after younger women are attracted to them because fertility has sex appeal.

As soon as the woman who married too young hits 33 and husband is 45 her desire for sex and romance may be beyond him.


----------



## MattMatt

lifeistooshort;11965897[B said:


> _]I question the validity of a study that says young men don't cheat. _[/B] Please, if they don't it's only for lack of opportunity a lot of the time.
> 
> And if she stays because she doesn't want to be a single mother she'll be accused of using him for a paycheck, even if she works too.
> 
> I stand by my statement: find someone at the same point in life you are. A 28 year old man shouldn't have been screwing an 18 year old. Period.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, that's good. Because no such study exists.

What was actually said was: 



> _*there have been a study or two that females of that age group are more likely to have affairs than men of that same age group.*_


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Good Gravy Marie!!

Just DNA test the kids. And STD test yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

wmn1 said:


> married is married. I didn't realize age had anything to do with one's marital vows. And he didn't cheat. She did. But anyway :scratchhead:



True, but the expectations have to be in line with maturity. In some states it's legal for 16 year olds to marry, but most of us can agree it's a bad idea precisely because they have not the emotional maturity to weather difficult times. A horny 18 year old guy with kids and a wife who's not around much is a much higher cheat risk then a mature man who is better equipped to deal with life. So while it's true that cheating isn't justifiable you have to understand what you're getting when you hook up with someone barely legal. I'm 40, what do you imagine I'd be told if I found me a hot 25 year old guy, got pregnant and then was not around much to pay him attention, then he cheats. Nobody would ask me what the hvll I was thinking hooking up with a kid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

LongWalk said:


> There is no absolute right or wrong here. Men who go after younger women are attracted to them because fertility has sex appeal.
> 
> As soon as the woman who married too young hits 33 and husband is 45 her desire for sex and romance may be beyond him.


Hey no problem, but if you choose a partner solely with your d!ck then don't come back and complain when they're immature or of poor charcuterie character.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

Dogbert said:


> You may question it but female infidelity is catching up with male infidelity. The study does not say that young men don't cheat but that young women are cheating more than their male counterparts
> 
> 
> 
> Accused by whom? Us? We're irrelevant. The only one's that count are the girls, the OP and his WW.
> 
> Perhaps the OP and his WW can successfully co-parent and act civil towards each other for the benefit of their girls and themselves as well.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree. Young people may be adults under the law and have the bodies of adult men and women but as maturity is concerned, they still are growing.



Nope, women have always cheated just as much. Who do you think men were cheating with? They lied about it more because it was less accepted then male cheating and before our technology it wasn't so easy to catch cheaters. And cheaters, both male and female, were less likely to break up the family, especially women because they had no way to make it on their own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree with much of this but disagree that she's necessarily psychotic. I suspect it's more of an escape from responsibilities she's not ready for, and her husband isn't necessarily around to lend a lot of support. I'm sure he'll correct me if this isn't the case.
> 
> Clearly her choices are poor and are not going to end well, but young people do stupid sh!t all the time. That's why they're not supposed to marry and knock out kids before they get said stupid sh!t out of their system
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Eighteen year old boys can go fight in the desert but a woman eighteen years old is incompetent to be a mother. That's pure sexist IMHO. She gets no pass from me.

Another falsehood is that there was no feelings going on. Three hundred texts in one month? Get real.

Find out how to get the texts from her phone and confirm everything she says. There is no reason to believe its over yet either. Tell his wife. The open marriage is 99.5% a lie usually.

Tell her you now have to DNA test the kids since she has prove what loose woman/mother she is.

300 texts in one month? Twice my ass.


----------



## Dogbert

lifeistooshort said:


> Nope, women have always cheated just as much. Who do you think men were cheating with?


Historically, single women. If given a choice, most cheating husbands, *would probably* prefer to cheat with single women because they don't have to worry about being confronted by husbands or boyfriends. But since married women are no longer relegated to the home, many workplaces have less single women than in the past. This then makes it harder for many WHs to successfully target single female co-workers. So many of these WH throw caution to the wind, and start pursuing and successfully seducing married women.

But, whether you believe this or not, you'll probably agree with me that cheaters are an opportunistic bunch, and especially male cheaters.



> They lied about it more because it was less accepted then male cheating and before our technology it wasn't so easy to catch cheaters. And cheaters, both male and female, were less likely to break up the family, especially women because they had no way to make it on their own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely correct.

Researchers who study infidelity have said that its hard to get accurate information regarding who cheats because the people tend belong to two groups, the group that lies or the group that keeps quiet. Men tend to belong to the first group (badge of honor bull$h!t) and women tend to belong to the latter group (a lady never tells bull$h!t).


----------



## lifeistooshort

Dogbert said:


> Historically, single women. If given a choice, most cheating husbands, *would probably* prefer to cheat with single women because they don't have to worry about being confronted by husbands or boyfriends. But since married women are no longer relegated to the home, many workplaces have less single women than in the past. This then makes it harder for many WHs to successfully target single female co-workers. So many of these WH throw caution to the wind, and start pursuing and successfully seducing married women.
> 
> But, whether you believe this or not, you'll probably agree with me that cheaters are an opportunistic bunch, and especially male cheaters.
> 
> 
> 
> Absolutely correct.
> 
> Researchers who study infidelity have said that its hard to get accurate information regarding who cheats because the people tend belong to two groups, the group that lies or the group that keeps quiet. Men tend to belong to the first group (badge of honor bull$h!t) and women tend to belong to the latter group (a lady never tells bull$h!t).



Interesting. Intuitively I'd think one would prefer another married because they have just as much to lose. A single woman probably wants you to leave your wife for her and is a high risk to expose you, purposely getpregnant and cause all kinds of trouble.

By the way, love your avatar 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

Chaparral said:


> Eighteen year old boys can go fight in the desert but a woman eighteen years old is incompetent to be a mother. That's pure sexist IMHO. She gets no pass from me.
> 
> Another falsehood is that there was no feelings going on. Three hundred texts in one month? Get real.
> 
> Find out how to get the texts from her phone and confirm everything she says. There is no reason to believe its over yet either. Tell his wife. The open marriage is 99.5% a lie usually.
> 
> Tell her you now have to DNA test the kids since she has prove what loose woman/mother she is.
> 
> 300 texts in one month? Twice my ass.



Incompetent to be a mother? No. She is quite capable of taking care of her kids. Being a wife and dealing with all of the crap that life throws out? Not so much. And if you're going to bring in 18 year olds fighting in the desert as proof that they're somehow mature let's talk about the stupid sh!t they do all the time. Extreme drunkenness, fighting, and many are married and cheating constantly even in the desert. I can't remember if you were in the service but I was and soldiers cheat all time. It doesn't take maturity to fight and shoot a rifle..... in fact the young immature ones are just what the military wants because they're so easy to train and mold. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm

"Next time find someone your own age."

Sorry...I don't agree and personally think all this talk of age difference as an excuse for sh*tty, traitorous behavior is nonsense.

One of my cousins is 27 years younger than her H...she's 63 now and they have been happily M since she was 18...no infidelity or problems (a rarity for my mom's side of the family).

One of my sisters is 14 years younger than my BIL...happily M for nearly 20 years now.

One of my work colleagues is 60, his W is in her mid-30s....they just had a son last Friday and have been happily M for a decade.

But one thing all of these couples have that none of these cheaters here on the TAM threads have is a sense of loyalty and honesty above all....their word is their bond.

THAT is the real issue in any M.....cheaters have it in themselves to be traitors, a wrong so vile it is regarded in most religious traditions as amongst the worst of sins, if not the worst....think Judas Iscariot.

IMO, age difference is just a lame excuse that people throw out to justify disgusting acts...on par with 'not meeting my emotional needs' or any other such crap.


----------



## Dyokemm

And sorry if my post seems hostile or attacking lifeistooshort....I just reread it after posting and saw it could come across that way...and I in no way intend that.

I apologize if you took it to be so.

I just strongly disagree that age difference excuses, or even explains, cheating.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Dyokemm said:


> "Next time find someone your own age."
> 
> Sorry...I don't agree and personally think all this talk of age difference as an excuse for sh*tty, traitorous behavior is nonsense.
> 
> One of my cousins is 27 years younger than her H...she's 63 now and they have been happily M since she was 18...no infidelity or problems (a rarity for my mom's side of the family).
> 
> One of my sisters is 14 years younger than my BIL...happily M for nearly 20 years now.
> 
> One of my work colleagues is 60, his W is in her mid-30s....they just had a son last Friday and have been happily M for a decade.
> 
> But one thing all of these couples have that none of these cheaters here on the TAM threads have is a sense of loyalty and honesty above all....their word is their bond.
> 
> THAT is the real issue in any M.....cheaters have it in themselves to be traitors, a wrong so vile it is regarded in most religious traditions as amongst the worst of sins, if not the worst....think Judas Iscariot.
> 
> IMO, age difference is just a lame excuse that people throw out to justify disgusting acts...on par with 'not meeting my emotional needs' or any other such crap.



So because you know a few women that were able to handle marriages to much older men at a young age that applies to everyone? I notice you have no examples of young men with older women, does the same thing apply?
People mature at different rates, and simply because an older guy wants to fvck a younger woman doesn't mean she's emotionally ready for a marriage. These guys had already lived their lives and found women who hadn't. .... great that it worked out but it doesn't mean every young woman is ready. This one wasn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

Dyokemm said:


> And sorry if my post seems hostile or attacking lifeistooshort....I just reread it after posting and saw it could come across that way...and I in no way intend that.
> 
> I apologize if you took it to be so.
> 
> I just strongly disagree that age difference excuses, or even explains, cheating.



Hey, no worries. I have a pretty thick skin..... and fyi my hb is 19 years older and I don't cheat on him, and we've been together almost 10 years. Age differences aren't the issue, maturity is. And the younger you get the more likely you are to have this issue. I was 31 when we met, much different then when I was 18.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm

lifeistooshort,

I agree that people mature at different times and immature people should avoid M.

But, of course, by that standard I know a few people in their late 40s or older who aren't ready for M either since they don't seem to have matured enough to be honest, loyal, or responsible enough to own their own sh*t.

However, I think that this backs up my view in one way...what is important is not age or age difference...it is MATURITY and the capacity to be an adult.

And I agree with you that those qualities are generally more prevalent in older rather than younger people....so there is a higher risk of it in younger partners....BUT no guarantee of these qualities in older ones.

In answer to your other question, I actually do know one guy M to a much older woman....he's 40 and she's 55.

They've been M for 15 years.

I didn't mention them because, while I have never heard of any problems and certainly no infidelity in their M, I do not know enough to even guess if theirs has been a happy M.

The other three M's I do know are very happy...well unless their is some serious lying and acting going on that I'm not aware of...lol


----------



## Dyokemm

Just saw your last post lifeistooshort....I think we actually agree here and I misunderstood you earlier.

Sorry about that.


----------



## Dogbert

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting. Intuitively I'd think one would prefer another married because they have just as much to lose. A single woman probably wants you to leave your wife for her and is a high risk to expose you, purposely getpregnant and cause all kinds of trouble.


Yeah I know its weird but consider the danger of being found out by an angry and violent BH whose WW you got pregnant. Talk about a deathwish.



> By the way, love your avatar
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. I like dogbert, especially when he plays a consultant and he tells his customers "Sir, it's my job to spray paint this turd".


----------



## Dyokemm

And to get back on OP's specific problem....I agree with those posters who have pointed out that she was not ready for a committed M when they first got together.

OP,

I think you need to be very aware going forward in R that your WW is really all in on repairing the M....you might forgive and work to recover from this one episode of trying to cake-eat and regain the lost opportunities of youth that she surrendered to start a M and family with you.....BUT she has to fully know and accept that going forward any further whimsical desires she might have to try and recapture that lost youth will mean the loss of her M and family as she knows it.

Oh...and expose this POS to his BW....he sounds like a typical player scumbag who looks for women depressed and in emotional crisis and uses that as an opportunity to coax them into betraying their families, and often even themselves.

Blow POS's life up so thoroughly that he has PTSD every time he even thinks of messing with the life of another family.


----------



## tom67

Dyokemm said:


> And to get back on OP's specific problem....I agree with those posters who have pointed out that she was not ready for a committed M when they first got together.
> 
> OP,
> 
> I think you need to be very aware going forward in R that your WW is really all in on repairing the M....you might forgive and work to recover from this one episode of trying to cake-eat and regain the lost opportunities of youth that she surrendered to start a M and family with you.....BUT she has to fully know and accept that going forward any further whimsical desires she might have to try and recapture that lost youth will mean the loss of her M and family as she knows it.
> 
> Oh...and expose this POS to his BW....he sounds like a typical player scumbag who looks for women depressed and in emotional crisis and uses that as an opportunity to coax them into betraying their families, and often even themselves.
> 
> Blow POS's life up so thoroughly that he has PTSD every time he even thinks of messing with the life of another family.


:iagree::iagree:
Without any consequences you will be screwed.


----------



## Dogbert

2monkeys,

You don't have to decide immediately whether or not you want to stay married or to divorce. Don't put that pressure on yourself and instead put it on your WW. She needs to know that while you still love her very much, you really don't know whether or not you can recover from her betrayal. 

Insist on both IC (individual counseling) and MC (marriage counseling) as a deal breaker to help with your personal recoveries and marital recovery. BOTH of you need to recover in order to heal and to successfully co-parent your children.


----------



## Chaparral

sidney2718 said:


> There is all sorts of data out there, but most of it shows exactly what you say. The younger they are, the more chance they have of a divorce. The divorce rate is lowest for people who marry over the age of 30.


OTOH, one would assume the longer one waits to get married the more sex partners they would have. A study released last year found that the more sex partners one has the more likely they are to cheat.

Personally I don't think age has anything to do with cheating, at least compared to a lack of integrity and morals. Plus occupation evidently.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Dyokemm said:


> Just saw your last post lifeistooshort....I think we actually agree here and I misunderstood you earlier.
> 
> Sorry about that.



I think so, no worries 

Perhaps we can agree that one should evaluate maturity when selecting a partner and before getting knocked up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2monkeys

Dogbert said:


> 2monkeys,
> 
> You don't have to decide immediately whether or not you want to stay married or to divorce. Don't put that pressure on yourself and instead put it on your WW. She needs to know that while you still love her very much, you really don't know whether or not you can recover from her betrayal.
> 
> Insist on both IC (individual counseling) and MC (marriage counseling) as a deal breaker to help with your personal recoveries and marital recovery. BOTH of you need to recover in order to heal and to successfully co-parent your children.


That's exactly where we're at right now. I haven't decided to stay yet, but I do still love her. She has agreed to counseling and we have our 1st appointment this week. I agree with alot that is being said with. I have contemplated telling his wife. But I don't know how to get a hold of her. I wanted to get him fired from his new job when I went to confront him. But he literally cried the whole time I was there, lips quivering, tears streaming down his cheek saying he deserved to lose everything. His new job, his wife etc... That I didn't deserve what happened to me blah blah blah after he spent the 1st part of our conversation playing the victim in the whole thing. I just thought to myself what a worthless coward. I'm a better man then he could ever want be and I'm better that. I couldn't bring myself to go inside and make a scene. But as time passes I feel he deserves some kind of retribution. Because if not he might feel like he got away with it and nothing happened to him. Maybe he'll just keep this cycle going and how many more relationships or marriages will he help destroy. I haven't made any concrete decisions yet except for one. I love my family more than anything and I will do whatever it takes to give kids the best life possible


----------



## Dyokemm

"Personally I don't think age has anything to do with cheating, at least compared to a lack of integrity and morals. Plus occupation evidently."

Couldn't agree more, Chap.

Except with the occupation part.

I've known people with complete honesty and integrity from all occupational backgrounds....and people with sh*t morals as well.

I know its a trope hear that nurses, teachers, cops, and firefighters seen to have more cheating than others....but I don't buy it.

In my recollection, most of the cheating threads here actually involve business/salespeople involved in office A's with co-workers...especially if they travel a lot.

But I would never say business/sales types are bigger cheaters than others....cause I don't think career is a determining factor in infidelity.

And that despite my personal observations that the most dishonest and slimy people I have ever met were sales people...lol...well and a couple of local politicians I personally know.


----------



## Chaparral

2M, why are you working so many hours? We have seen this in a lot of cases here, especially with spouses working in restaurants and tending bar.

That's no place for a mom to work and you aren't home enough. Little time for bonding with wife, date nights, bonding with kids, sleeping together, sharing chores etc.

You need the mmslp book linked to below. You both need the NJF book. They can also be downloaded at amazon.com


----------



## Dyokemm

"Perhaps we can agree that one should evaluate maturity when selecting a partner and before getting knocked up."

lol....yeah....one can always hope.

Unfortunately though, I teach young adults....and I certainly don't see a lot of that going on.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

You tell the wife ASAP. I'm really surprised he didn't want you to tell her. 

Then you do the DNA test. And then get tested for STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm

Chap,

I agree completely.

That work environment and the hours apart it entails is indeed a recipe for trouble in OP's M.....ESPECIALLY given his WW's struggles with feeling she missed out on single life.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Women like this will find a way to screw around, whether a stay at home mom, waitress, or senator.

Any of this sinking in, 12M?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm

"Because if not he might feel like he got away with it and nothing happened to him. Maybe he'll just keep this cycle going and how many more relationships or marriages will he help destroy."

2Monkeys,

Yep...and don't forget...he admitted to you he's a sex addict (could be bullsh*t to play victim with you...in fact probably is....but take him at his word).

So he would almost be guaranteed to destroy someone else's M, or several people's, unless he suffers serious enough consequences personally to never again contemplate f*cking up other people's Ms and lives.


----------



## Chaparral

Dyokemm said:


> "Personally I don't think age has anything to do with cheating, at least compared to a lack of integrity and morals. Plus occupation evidently."
> 
> Couldn't agree more, Chap.
> 
> Except with the occupation part.
> 
> I've known people with complete honesty and integrity from all occupational backgrounds....and people with sh*t morals as well.
> 
> I know its a trope hear that nurses, teachers, cops, and firefighters seen to have more cheating than others....but I don't buy it.
> 
> In my recollection, most of the cheating threads here actually involve business/salespeople involved in office A's with co-workers...especially if they travel a lot.
> 
> But I would never say business/sales types are bigger cheaters than others....cause I don't think career is a determining factor in infidelity.
> 
> And that despite my personal observations that the most dishonest and slimy people I have ever met were sales people...lol...well and a couple of local politicians I personally know.


There have been a lot of studies on who is most likely to cheat. Supposedly, the more people you come into contact with the more likely you are to cheat. Medical people and educators do perennially top the list. A nurse was asked on a call in show if it was as bad as portrayed on TV. She said it was way worse, especially on the night shift.

We have had tons of teachers and nurses here. Its a puzzle to me about the teachers because they're with kids most of the day. Maybe its the relief they feel when they actually get to socialize with another adult. Others claim it has something to do with so many kids and hormones.:rofl:


----------



## Dyokemm

Chap,

The info about lots of interpersonal contact makes sense.

It would explain the danger of sales jobs and bartenders/waitresses too...as well, maybe, why so may engineers, science researchers, or IT experts seem to be so heavily represented in the BS category.

That is certainly food for thought and future study (I'm sort of obsessed about understanding why people behave the way they do...lol)

And as a teacher...I found your last comment hilarious.

lol....I think it might be the personal connection many teachers feel when discussing their 'WTF?' moments when dealing with the nutty things teens/young adults do...sharing those stories with each other is fun.


----------



## Mr Blunt

2monkeys
You at 28 and screwing her and getting her pregnant at her age 18 is not the problem now. You were old enough to know to use protection but you failed so you were not the most responsible 28 years old but that is in the past. The problem now is that she betrayed you twice and you are severely affected.

You ask for advice so here it is. *You get a post-nup with her so that you do not work another20-30 years and then she pulls the same crap.* Then you will be more screwed than you are now. Right now you are young enough that you can build a good retirement if you work another 20-30 years. *If your WW feels that she missed out on her crazy days and betrays you and her children again then your ability to secure your financial future will be in jeopardy. *

Another poster mentioned mid-life crises and that is another serious concern. If she cannot keep her panties on and allow other men to feed her needs in her 20s what is it going to be like when the mid-life hits in the 30s and 40s? *If she betrays in her 30s or 40s your are screwed BIG TIME unless you have a legal document protecting yourself.*

She has violated the marriage in one of the worst possible ways and now she should have to bear the consequences. You are giving her a gift of another chance and she needs to give you the gift of a post-nup. It is not exactly a gift from her but some consequences that she needs to own up to. You have a woman that is not strong in character or emotions so you need to protect yourself as much as possible. 

*If she does not want the post-nup then I would be very suspicious of her remorse.* You are the father that did not betray the children so you should have some percent of guaranteed custody of the children in the post-nup.*Does she really want to make it up to you or does she want all the benefits of marriage without her having any consequences for betraying you and your children? *


----------



## wmn1

lifeistooshort said:


> True, but the expectations have to be in line with maturity. In some states it's legal for 16 year olds to marry, but most of us can agree it's a bad idea precisely because they have not the emotional maturity to weather difficult times. A horny 18 year old guy with kids and a wife who's not around much is a much higher cheat risk then a mature man who is better equipped to deal with life. So while it's true that cheating isn't justifiable you have to understand what you're getting when you hook up with someone barely legal. I'm 40, what do you imagine I'd be told if I found me a hot 25 year old guy, got pregnant and then was not around much to pay him attention, then he cheats. Nobody would ask me what the hvll I was thinking hooking up with a kid?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand your point, I really do and personally I wouldn't get married to an 18 year old because of it. However, perhaps that youth is the reason why he overcame her first cyber affair, which was wrong regardless of age. However, this most recent time, she was 25 and having escaped with one type of affair under her belt, OP expected more maturity this time and got cheated on again. I am in law enforcement. We put guns in the hands of 21 and 22 year olds with full expectation that they won't make a fatal mistake. The military does this at 18 but with different expectations and rules. OP's wife is 25 and was fully capable of doing the right thing.

Therefore, rather than making this an age argument, it is more of an argument regarding the flaw of OP's wife and he is in for a lifetime of hurt as she can't seem to stop cheating and now two kids under 6 are caught in the crossfire.

he really needs to be prepared to let her go and she full well knew what she was doing was wrong. I knew it was wrong when I was in my 20s. This WW is in the wrong and the OP shouldn't be blamed


----------



## cgiles

Thound said:


> Staying married just for the childrens sake is teaching them how to be a doormat. IMO.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As a kid growing with parents who was friends but not lover, I can only confirm it's not a sane way to grow up.


----------



## altawa

Chaparral said:


> OTOH, one would assume the longer one waits to get married the more sex partners they would have. A study released last year found that the more sex partners one has the more likely they are to cheat.
> 
> Personally I don't think age has anything to do with cheating, at least compared to a lack of integrity and morals. Plus occupation evidently.


Link to that study please....I would love to read it.


----------



## warlock07

2monkeys said:


> Yes, I don't have it me anymore to try and make it work after this betrayal. I had mine and both my daughter's all packed up and ready to leave. But then my oldest gave me a kiss and told me she loved me and her mommy and it just broke my heart. I couldn't just give up on my family, just yet.


Are you sure you will break up the next time or is it the next next time ?


----------



## bandit.45

The risk you take waiting a year is that you may actually outgrow your wife. She may change for the better, but if you work on yourself and your own codependency issues, you may find a year from now that you no longer desire her the way you do now. 

Food for thought.


----------



## warlock07

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course, the fact that he hooked up with a kid has no bearing on anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An abuse victim committed a murder. What do we focus on ? Do we excuse the murder because of the ****ty childhood ?

18 is young but not a kid. And OP was also 28. Not that old either. His mistake was marrying her young, but that might be because of the pregnancy.


----------



## lifeistooshort

warlock07 said:


> An abuse victim committed a murder. What do we focus on ? Do we excuse the murder because of the ****ty childhood ?
> 
> 18 is young but not a kid. And OP was also 28. Not that old either. His mistake was marrying her young, but that might be because of the pregnancy.



Wow, you've just compared a grown man hooking up with someone barely legal to an abuse victim committing a murder. I have now seen it all.

That is all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## altawa

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow, you've just compared a grown man hooking up with someone barely legal to an abuse victim committing a murder. I have now seen it all.
> 
> That is all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, to be more accurate he compared somebody that was legal age cheating because of immaturity to somebody committing murder because of some unconnected abuse. In either situation, you deal with the offense, not some BS justification for said action.

And, he's right.


----------



## warlock07

lifeistooshort said:


> I stand by my statement: find someone at the same point in life you are. A 28 year old man shouldn't have been screwing an 18 year old. Period.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can stand wherever you want. You cannot impose your personal moral standard on other people and act smug about it. So you think 19 is fine? Or is it 20? 25? How do you come to this figure? 

It is unrealistic and useless as people are not going to stop doing it..

Yes, it is not ideal that they married at that age. My own personal rule is plus or minus five. And never marry before 25. Another popular one seems to be "half your age +7"

But the world is a big place. People have different life experiences and do less than ideal things. Being a Captain Hindsight helps no one here. 18 year old are not going to stop screwing guys of OP's age or much older than him.


----------



## warlock07

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow, you've just compared a grown man hooking up with someone barely legal to an abuse victim committing a murder. I have now seen it all.
> 
> That is all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guess it flew over your head. you can always ask.

I meant just because you were the victim of bad circumstance , it does not excuse you of consequences of your action.

She definitely got married young but that does not excuse her cheating and blame it on her young age. Unless she is a mentally unfit, she knows right from wrong.


----------



## warlock07

2monkeys said:


> That's exactly where we're at right now. I haven't decided to stay yet, but I do still love her. She has agreed to counseling and we have our 1st appointment this week. I agree with alot that is being said with. I have contemplated telling his wife. But I don't know how to get a hold of her. I wanted to get him fired from his new job when I went to confront him. But he literally cried the whole time I was there, lips quivering, tears streaming down his cheek saying he deserved to lose everything. His new job, his wife etc... That I didn't deserve what happened to me blah blah blah after he spent the 1st part of our conversation playing the victim in the whole thing. I just thought to myself what a worthless coward. I'm a better man then he could ever want be and I'm better that. I couldn't bring myself to go inside and make a scene. But as time passes I feel he deserves some kind of retribution. Because if not he might feel like he got away with it and nothing happened to him. Maybe he'll just keep this cycle going and how many more relationships or marriages will he help destroy. I haven't made any concrete decisions yet except for one. I love my family more than anything and I will do whatever it takes to give kids the best life possible


he knew you would fall for a sob story.

Also, remember that your wife is attracted to this guy and it would have continued if you did not catch her red handed.

She did not have the affair in vacuum. Now, she apologizes because she got caught and her lover dumped her. So, she is humiliated. So, if she is reconciling out of guilt or because she did not want to lose both the guys, you do not know. Give some time to make a decision. Can your heart take it if she has to cheat you a couple more time because she realizes the error of her ways ?


----------



## EleGirl

2monkeys said:


> Yes, I don't have it me anymore to try and make it work after this betrayal. I had mine and both my daughter's all packed up and ready to leave. But then my oldest gave me a kiss and told me she loved me and her mommy and it just broke my heart. I couldn't just give up on my family, just yet.


I want to caution you about leaving with your daughters. This can blow up on you in relation to a custody settlement.


----------



## EleGirl

2monkeys,

If you are going to consider reconciliation, my suggestion is that you read the books I'll be listing below. They will give a good idea of the things you need to do to and what your wife needs to do in order to restructure your marriage so that it is much stronger than before. All of the books are by Dr. Harley.

"Surviving an Affair"
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"


----------



## Rubicon

Open marriage? But she has rules about gender and his "Rule" is to not get caught?

For anyone wondering, This is what Bull$hit smells like.

Lying through his teeth. Find the wife. Expose.


----------



## wmn1

Rubicon said:


> Open marriage? But she has rules about gender and his "Rule" is to not get caught?
> 
> For anyone wondering, This is what Bull$hit smells like.
> 
> Lying through his teeth. Find the wife. Expose.


:iagree:


----------



## 2monkeys

Well it has been nearly 4 years since D day. My wife and I are still together. After her affair she tried really hard for about a year, until she got pregnant with our 3rd kid. About 4 months into the pregnancy things started going back to the way they were before. We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to twice a week to eventually once a week. She went from being very attentive and sweet to being distant.
I know She is not having a physical affair since I got injured and have been home unable to work for almost 3 years now. She never asks me how I'm doing or how I'm feeling (pain wise or emotionally). I go to Doctor appointment regularly by myself and she never asks how they or what was said by the Doctors. If I'm lucky we have sex 1-2 times a month on a good month.
It's as if we're roommates now. We now have 4 kids. But that's the only connection we have. She goes to sleep without saying anything or giving me a kiss goodnight. We have a Cal King bed and she sleeps as close to the edge of the bed on her side as she can. She shows me little to no affection ever. And I am usually caught off guard on the few times every couple of months that she does randomly hug me or kiss me. That she says that it's my fault that she doesn't try more often. If I try to kiss her or show her affection she tells that I'm in her bubble or to stop because of the kids. So I don't try as often as I would like to anymore either. 
She puts on a front in public as if we're a loving married couple. I just show up and act how I feel.
Don't get me wrong, I get it. We have 4 kids and have been through a lot in our relationship. But I try to make date nights, go to concerts I know she'll enjoy, dinner to restaurants where I know she'll like the food etc... but the night will start with a fight because she'll find something anything to complain about. Just to make me mad so I won't ask for sex or have a good time. She'll say things that sound ungrateful, that are hurtful and then after we fight she will be as if nothing happened and I will be [email protected]@@d off the rest of the evening. I won't enjoy the evening at all and she will have the time of her life. 
Or I will ignore her initial comments and start the night off in a great mood enjoying everything and she will have a sourpuss face hating every moment of that night. So inevitably I get frustrated and I try to talk about it with her and she'll turn it into a so I get upset and end up not enjoying myself and all of a sudden she'll have a smile the rest of the night having a great time. 
I tell her I'm unhappy and feel like leaving and she'll ask me if have a good marriage and great kids. I tell her I can't keep feeling lonely and isolated in our marriage. And she always says she doesn't know what I mean. That she loves me and wants to be with me until we're old and wrinkled. That she can't see herself without me.
There is a part of me that believes her. Because her father is the same with his partner. He shows them no affection physically, emotionally or spiritually. I've known them almost 10 years and they even lived with us for a year and I have never heard or seen kiss, hug or say I love you. And my wife says that that is how her dad has always been and that he even acts like that towards her and she in turn acts that way towards him too.
I tell her that I'm not him and need to be told I love you from time to time. That I need affection that I'm not some robot without feelings. But it always falls on deaf ears. She just says that is who she is and doesn't know how to be touchy feely.
So basically I'm at a crossroads in our marriage. 50% I want to leave and 50% of the time I can tolerate it. I'm hurt and on disability, we have four young kids, she has no job since she is our children's care giver. I can't afford to leave but idk if I can mentally and emotionally take it anymore.


----------



## 2monkeys

Here is a link to my 2nd post 6 months after D day

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/login...539212529568481ec5cceaca387c7c#/topics/278625


----------



## syhoybenden

Try this link .... https://talkaboutmarriage.com/copin...tionship-after-5-months-trying-reconcile.html


----------



## farsidejunky

In this situation, you will get what you tolerate. 

Frankly, it sounds like your wife is repulsed by you. How would you react if someone that repulsed you tried to kiss you, get in your space, or find reasons to be around you?

I would let her go. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme

2monkeys said:


> Well it has been nearly 4 years since D day. My wife and I are still together. After her affair she tried really hard for about a year, until she got pregnant with our 3rd kid. About 4 months into the pregnancy things started going back to the way they were before. We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to twice a week to eventually once a week. She went from being very attentive and sweet to being distant.
> I know She is not having a physical affair since I got injured and have been home unable to work for almost 3 years now. She never asks me how I'm doing or how I'm feeling (pain wise or emotionally). I go to Doctor appointment regularly by myself and she never asks how they or what was said by the Doctors. If I'm lucky we have sex 1-2 times a month on a good month.
> It's as if we're roommates now. We now have 4 kids. But that's the only connection we have. She goes to sleep without saying anything or giving me a kiss goodnight. We have a Cal King bed and she sleeps as close to the edge of the bed on her side as she can. She shows me little to no affection ever. And I am usually caught off guard on the few times every couple of months that she does randomly hug me or kiss me. That she says that it's my fault that she doesn't try more often. If I try to kiss her or show her affection she tells that I'm in her bubble or to stop because of the kids. So I don't try as often as I would like to anymore either.
> She puts on a front in public as if we're a loving married couple. I just show up and act how I feel.
> Don't get me wrong, I get it. We have 4 kids and have been through a lot in our relationship. But I try to make date nights, go to concerts I know she'll enjoy, dinner to restaurants where I know she'll like the food etc... but the night will start with a fight because she'll find something anything to complain about. Just to make me mad so I won't ask for sex or have a good time. She'll say things that sound ungrateful, that are hurtful and then after we fight she will be as if nothing happened and I will be [email protected]@@d off the rest of the evening. I won't enjoy the evening at all and she will have the time of her life.
> Or I will ignore her initial comments and start the night off in a great mood enjoying everything and she will have a sourpuss face hating every moment of that night. So inevitably I get frustrated and I try to talk about it with her and she'll turn it into a so I get upset and end up not enjoying myself and all of a sudden she'll have a smile the rest of the night having a great time.
> I tell her I'm unhappy and feel like leaving and she'll ask me if have a good marriage and great kids. I tell her I can't keep feeling lonely and isolated in our marriage. And she always says she doesn't know what I mean. That she loves me and wants to be with me until we're old and wrinkled. That she can't see herself without me.
> There is a part of me that believes her. Because her father is the same with his partner. He shows them no affection physically, emotionally or spiritually. I've known them almost 10 years and they even lived with us for a year and I have never heard or seen kiss, hug or say I love you. And my wife says that that is how her dad has always been and that he even acts like that towards her and she in turn acts that way towards him too.
> I tell her that I'm not him and need to be told I love you from time to time. That I need affection that I'm not some robot without feelings. But it always falls on deaf ears. She just says that is who she is and doesn't know how to be touchy feely.
> So basically I'm at a crossroads in our marriage. 50% I want to leave and 50% of the time I can tolerate it. I'm hurt and on disability, we have four young kids, she has no job since she is our children's care giver. I can't afford to leave but idk if I can mentally and emotionally take it anymore.


No crossroads here. You know who you married and what her character was, unfortunately you didn't move on when you found out. She is what she is. Your life will stay like this for the rest of your marriage.


----------



## wilson

Something about her behavior with the arguments sounds pretty disturbing. She seems to like it when she puts you in a bad mood. You had a couple of instances where she would be all smiles after you got in an argument and you were in a bad mood. It's almost like she's proud of the fact she made you feel bad.

Who initiates the sex 1-2 times per month?

How are you able to get by financially? Is your disability enough to support her and the 4 kids? 

It sounds like your wife wants to grow old with a roommate who pays the bills and is there to do her bidding. I don't get the sense that she wants an actual husband. I think you should look into divorce for real and start down that path. If she doesn't like it, let her earn your love back. I get the sense that she actually would respect you if you took a hard-line stance like that.


----------



## Taxman

So, lets review; She had an affair where she was the aggressor. She put in just enough effort to keep you from leaving. She gets pregnant another two times, and basically treats you like garbage while saying the marriage is great. Two conclusions: I believe that she has rugswept the affair, is not inclined to do anything more, and you will just be the shmuck who supports the kids, whether they are yours or not, and pays the bills. Second conclusion: She is not a safe partner. She distorts reality to serve her own agenda. She will have another affair, as she only dealt with the superficial pain of the last one.

I seriously recommend that you get a lawyer, and stealthily start segregating funds. You should mentally prepare yourself for a fight, as, TBH, I believe that your wife has an agenda all of her own, and you are a minor player, if at all. Did you at least impair the future of her OM? I have taken insane amounts of glee, reporting a client's spouse to HR. I have had a nasty phone call from a client's wife screaming at me that she spent ten years getting the education necessary for her job, and me reporting her got her blacklisted in her industry. And since the court was going to assess her income as if she was working, but was the author of her own demise so to speak, she was getting no alimony and her child support would be half. I decided to not be professional in responding to her, and basically said that she had a fine future as an escort, as long as the customers carried a white cane and owned a guide dog. 

I believe your wife drew a line in the sand with her affair, then tried to act with remorse, however, I find it difficult to beleive that she regrets anything.


----------



## syhoybenden

Have you paternity tested your kids?

If not then it might be worth looking into it.


----------



## sokillme

One thing that I find is consistent, you need to people of good character to have a good marriage. If it's lacking with one of you the other will suffer. Unfortunately it seems like your wife doesn't have the stuff to do that.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Why in the world did you choose to stay with her?? You can literally feel the misery from your post. Why doesn't your wife work? I cant even imagine how in the world you are living on disability alone. (sorry you got injured, btw!) Is there any chance of you recovering? What about learning something you can work from home doing? You seriously need to divorce this woman. You should have years ago. This is your life for the next 20-30 years... how's that looking? You chose to stay and you are miserable, so how about choosing to move on and find a better life?


----------



## Chaparral

Actually, it sounds like there are two men in her life but the other man isn’t one to leave his wife. 

The major change in your sex life is a dead give away. Her treatment of you is a lack of respect, another glaring red flag.

Time to confirm her fidelity on the down low.


----------



## niceguy47460

I would get the kids tested to see if they are yours . start checking her phone and anything eles and get a lawyer . chances are she is having affair is most likely the cause of all this .


----------



## Decorum

Chaparral said:


> Actually, it sounds like there are two men in her life but the other man isn’t one to leave his wife.
> 
> The major change in your sex life is a dead give away. Her treatment of you is a lack of respect, another glaring red flag.
> 
> Time to confirm her fidelity on the down low.


This, and she is gaslighting you.

Do you think you are crazy?


----------



## Sports Fan

Your wife has cheated on you twice. The first time she swears she will never do it again all a mistake blah blah blah, and you take her back. Which your entitled to do. Second time you catch her out its physical and all sorts of nasty dirty deeds happened and your response is I haven't decided if I'm sticking this out for the long run?

Brother fool you once shame on her fool you twice shame on you. Accepting her back will only reinforce that you are not willing to offer up any consequences for her actions. If that's the case then just agree to an open marriage and quit whining.

For what its worth i have a lot of sympathy for you and hope you find the strength to kick her to the kerb.


----------



## NobodySpecial

wmn1 said:


> these bloody open relationships like the ex manager had. They creep into other relationships and blow them up too.


Oh please. One needn't worry about getting "caught" in an open relationship. He is a lying POS.


----------



## VladDracul

2monkeys said:


> I tell her I'm unhappy and feel like leaving and she'll ask me if have a good marriage and great kids. I tell her I can't keep feeling lonely and isolated in our marriage. And she always says she doesn't know what I mean. That she loves me and wants to be with me until we're old and wrinkled. That she can't see herself without me.


When she sez she can't see herself without you it means, "I'm stuck in this frigging marriage with four kids and you, flat on you azz with only disability income. I must have died and went to hell". The thing is 2monkeys, you're confusing her with a woman that give a damn youre unhappy and lonely. I tell men all the time that when a woman cheat, she lost romantic interest that never comes back. She may have temporarily thought she could put the genie back in the bottle and gave it up a few times a week, but the now parties over and now whatever tingle was left has now become a chill. Get use to living in an ice house until she eventually jettisons you like contaminated cargo. 
I said that to say this. Get and keep your affairs in order and set aside a little money.


----------



## [email protected]

2monkeys, I'm sorry, but you are Plan B. It takes two to reconcile, and she's not holding her end up. Undoubtedly, you come in 2nd best when matched with her boss. File and do the 180. But I'd bet there's a D in the future.


----------



## Beach123

What do the dna tests tell you about your kids?


You have no idea who your wife is/what she’s capable of...you think you love her? You don’t even know her.


----------



## Beach123

There’s been no reconciliation... but you’re still with her.

This is a terrible example for your children - of a healthy marriage.

Your wife isn’t interested in the marriage. It’s already over.


----------



## Decorum

If you don't mind Mr. 2monkeys, what are the extent of you injuries and disability?
I am sure you have mentioned it before, but again if you would not mind reiterating them, thank you.


----------



## aine

Did you expose the affair to the ex boss’ wife? You should


----------

