# ladies need advice on sex in my marriage



## neednhelp (Jul 15, 2010)

I was wondering what you would expect from your husband and was wondering if i was doing the right thing,
My wife had a tumor in her uterous and she is young, we didn't know about the tumor at the time, but sex was painfull for her so we had sex maybe 4 times last year, she had a hysterectomy 2 months ago and i would love to make love to her but i havn't initiated it or asked because she gets really defensive on the subject from past experience and i don't know if it is too early. I need her touch and to feel loved in that manner and i am starting to have anxiety about it as it has been 7 months since any sexual activity.
She also is not a physical person and i am thinking about her by waiting and i hope she realizes it is difficult, very difficult.
Should i just wait until she initiates it?
thanks


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should tell her the truth.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Talk about it. maybe she feels like less of a woman or that YOU are rejecting her.


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## neednhelp (Jul 15, 2010)

i wish i could but she in the past when discussing it gets really mean like, you have 2 hands, etc. I don't want to push her, but she has a bad perspective on sex and tells me when i want it i will let you know.
She will flop my feelings about this around i promise, i will say i just want to let you know i really find you beautifull and i really want to make love to you but i am not pressuring you if it is too soon, i just wanted to let you know, and her response would be...your thinking about yourself, you just want to put your ....somewhere, or it's all about you.
I don't want to turn her off i just want her to know that i want her


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## YoungHubby (Jul 28, 2010)

I agree with the above.

It seems she may be a bit self-conscious about sex because it really has never been a pleasurable thing for her. It is going to take some time for it to be anything else.

Out of curiosity, have you tried anything else? When I first met my wife, she had had very bad experiences with sex before we were together which made her very self-conscious and reluctant to ever put herself in a situation where sex was a possibility. It took some patience, but after a few months of talking and "foreplay" she realized what sex was really meant to be. I just had to show her the pleasure that sex can offer.


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## neednhelp (Jul 15, 2010)

I have tried all that i know, but like i said she isn't a physical person, doesn't like foreplay talk, she has to be in that mood at that moment and it is rare, also she had hormone issues because of the tumor, she gets really defensive and it shouldn't be like that. I am trying to figure ways to work on this with her but i am literally scared of the outcome that always results when i bring this subject up and i have not in a very very very long time.
She makes me feel as if sexuality is not needed by anyone in life and that my needing intimacy makes me weak. Dunno


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to do something now. If you don't, you will end up married 40 years with nothing. Tell her you love her, but you cannot be married to someone who doesn't consider SF as part of the picture in a marriage.


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## mcco (Aug 4, 2010)

its hard to deal with people who aren't that sexual, but you can always try to romance her and tell her that in that moment all you wanna do is make love to her and share your love in a physical level, go slow and don't go for it right away like i said romance her and find something that she really enjoys from rubbing her head to maybe gentle kisses, if it doesn't work you gotta talk to her from the heart and let her know how beautiful sexy attractive you find her. you deserve to be completely happy too.


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## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

find out her love language! google "love languages." check out "emotional needs questionnaire" on marriagebuilders.com

the love language and needs will help you to discover what she needs for foreplay.

And sex is seriously a TOP PRIORITY for a marriage. It is a HUMAN NEED and do not think for a second that you are being a bad guy for needing it. Is she taking hormone therapy? Please don't be afraid of conflict...so many men are. You sound like a conscientious, caring man so you must be able to gently but persistently, bring this up.


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## LivetoDiscover (Aug 22, 2010)

I would definitely agree u need to gently and truthfully talk to her about this. Show her affection, remind her she is beautiful. Let her understand that not all physical love has to be "sexual". Some women are scared by that word because "sexual" they can associate with "lust" which might make her feel "used". So show her that physical touch can be a gentle passionate thing. Who knows, make her feel beautiful and loved enough and she might work up the courage to get over her fears....


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## neednhelp (Jul 15, 2010)

I really appreciate the input, and answering some questions, she does not like touching at all whether it be a kiss goodnight or holding her hand although i do give her neck massages and play with her hair it relaxes her. We had a bit of a scuffle and i told her i wanted us to try and be more romantic aaaannnnnddd I'M NOT ROMANTIC LIFE ISN"T LIKE THE MOVIES, I have had candlelight dinners waiting for her in the backyard with candles guiding the way to the back, I have written really good love letters(she said they don't do anything for her)and it doesn't work even when i do it not expecting anything she doesn't like it, and no hormone therapy, knows i think sometimes maybe she has issues(sometimes she admits to it and other times it'll just go away).
She has no love language, sorry. It happens when she wants it and like i have stated very rarely. Most of the time she is grumpy and a bit proned to pain, her leg nerves, stomach, bladder, shoulders.
Just will i guess remain a shadow although i don't consider myself weak, maybe it will happen when she's ready.
Sure do miss the closeness though


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You get it that she had a serious medical condition and that a hysterectomy can be a life changer hormonally.

That said, she needs to get it that you need some sex even if she does not.

So you two need a meeting of the mind as to what that means for you, for her, your marriage.

You do not at this point have to continue tippytoeing around her feelings. It doesn't sound as though you have been any kind of jerk to her about it.

The both of you have to stop pretending that sex is all about her interest or lack thereof.

If she realizes that she is essentially putting you on the shelf for the next 40 years and is ok with that, then maybe you ought to consider divorce.

If she is not ok with the 40-year sexless plan, then actual things have to be done to improve the situation.


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