# Overnight Stay Asking Too Much?



## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

Been working on our marriage lately and it seems the little things cause me more grief than needed. Maybe my perspective is messed up.

We like to travel, and I thought we should go for a 2hour overnight trip vs a day trip as planned. Spouse mentioned they find it too much trouble to pack all their stuff up for just one night.

After I digested, I was left with not a good taste. It seems like it does not take much time to pack for one night and take off. We also prob could use the getaway as a plus or change in scenery for us, even better than just a day trip. Just seems selfish, something, I don't know, that my partner wouldn't just say yeah let's go!!??


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

It's not the packing that's got her turned off for the overnight trip.

It's the company.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

browser said:


> It's not the packing that's got her turned off for the overnight trip.
> 
> It's the company.


Actually it is not. She is still very much wanting to go for the day. She has been the same way even when things were wonderful with us. It is truly because she finds going any where overnight an inconvenience. Yet we have done trips lately for 2 and 3 weeks together.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Doesn't make sense that she's got such a big issue with packing an overnight bag. 

Something is missing from this equation.

Maybe she has some sort of fear or phobia of being away from the home.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

browser said:


> Doesn't make sense that she's got such a big issue with packing an overnight bag.
> 
> Something is missing from this equation.
> 
> Maybe she has some sort of fear or phobia of being away from the home.


As mentioned we have been away this yr for 2 and then 3 weeks. She just feels it is too much hassle to pack up all of her stuff for just one night. That is her reasoning.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Let her have her way. This is not something to fret over. Pick your battles.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Offer to pack her stuff for her in your bag?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Offer to pack her stuff for her in your bag?


I can imagine what Mr Aldi would pack for me...










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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> I can imagine what Mr Aldi would pack for me...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> I can imagine what Mr Aldi would pack for me...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah, but you'd be a knock out in it as far as Mr A was concerned! :smthumbup:


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Qwerty1970 said:


> Been working on our marriage lately and it seems the little things cause me more grief than needed. Maybe my perspective is messed up.
> 
> We like to travel, and I thought we should go for a 2hour overnight trip vs a day trip as planned. Spouse mentioned they find it too much trouble to pack all their stuff up for just one night.
> 
> After I digested, I was left with not a good taste. It seems like it does not take much time to pack for one night and take off. We also prob could use the getaway as a plus or change in scenery for us, even better than just a day trip. Just seems selfish, something, I don't know, that my partner wouldn't just say yeah let's go!!??


What troubles are you working on? 

I don't see what her issues are, wouldn't overnight be better? 
I'd certainly prefer that. 

But the packing isn't the issue here, perhaps she's hormonal, perhaps she doesn't want to be romantic with you? 
It all depends on what's going on in your marriage. 




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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her issues could be packing up all her skincare products, makeup and hair care products. It's the same packing as for a 2-3 week trip. The clothing items are nothing so they are not the issue. Then there is the personal coffee maker and other necessities.

She could do with duplicates of the above-mentioned and keep them in a go bag. Ask her if this is the problem and, if it is, treat her to the extras.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Not much to work with here, it appears that Blondie is right. On the other hand you could do what I do, just go without her.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Go to one of those stores that has the bins of sample size cosmetics and get her a bunch of assorted soaps, shampoos, etc.

She'll appreciate the effort.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

browser said:


> Go to one of those stores that has the bins of sample size cosmetics and get her a bunch of assorted soaps, shampoos, etc.
> 
> *She'll appreciate the effort.*


No, she won't. She may as well use the hotel garbage.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

browser said:


> Go to one of those stores that has the bins of sample size cosmetics and get her a bunch of assorted soaps, shampoos, etc.
> 
> She'll appreciate the effort.


disagree. I like what blondi said about buying duplicates. 
OP may be able to get away with buying some empty travel containers and filling them from the original bottles for a go bag, but that only solves it for toiletries, not cosmetics.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

sixty-eight said:


> disagree.


:moon:


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

browser said:


> :moon:


lol! 
It is what it is. I'm an extremely low maintenance woman, and i still hate the sample options and the tiny hotel bottles.

I shudder to think what someone who is dedicated to certain products might think of those options.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Gone are the days when women smeared Pond's cold cream on their faces at night and that constituted their skin care regime. We have serums for face, eyes and neck (day and night versions). Moisturizer with sunscreen for face and another for the body. Regular moisturizer for night-time. Special body washes/gels. Hair care out the kazoo and makeup, too.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

There is some distance between us now. But this overnight thing was there before even when we were well. 

It seems to be "cosmetic based". Which seems odd to me since an overnight would be good for us.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

See my post on page 1.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So take your phone and take pictures of everything and go to the store she shops at and the nice lady there will help you buy a copy of every thing she owns. Buy a bag to put it in and give it to her along with an invitation to your vacation. My wife has made me very good at overcoming roadblocks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Qwerty1970 said:


> Actually it is not. She is still very much wanting to go for the day. She has been the same way even when things were wonderful with us. It is truly because she finds going any where overnight an inconvenience. Yet we have done trips lately for 2 and 3 weeks together.


I know many people who really just are homebodies, when it comes to where they sleep at night. Has that ever been an issue with her?

Such a person might be willing to do it - get out of their comfort zone - for a 2 or 3 day trip, but not for a shorter one.

Have you ASKED her why she feels that way?

ETA: If the marriage is on the rocks, the last thing you should be doing is being presumptuous enough to go out and buy her replacement toiletries and cosmetics - without even asking her first.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> So take your phone and take pictures of everything and go to the store she shops at and the nice lady there will help you buy a copy of every thing she owns. Buy a bag to put it in and give it to her along with an invitation to your vacation. My wife has made me very good at overcoming roadblocks.


not a bad idea in general to have duplicates, if you take a few vacations a year. I would appreciate the thoughtfulness and effort that would go into this and probably say yes just for that ^


you still might not convince her to go overnight if like turnera just said, she's a homebody or enjoys the comforts of her own bed.

Once you get into cosmetics, night creams, hair products, hair stylers, special pillows, or people who don't sleep well outside of their own bed. There just may be too much to overcome for her to consider it worth it.

I'm really curious as to what she says when you ask her.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

@turnera , There is no end to road blocks. Sure she could say why did you waste money buying that cream I don't use it any more, or it could be any number of other things. The point is she is unwilling to cooperate. An imaginative person can think of a million reasons to not do something they don't want to do. The trick for me was to find only ONE reason she might want to do something.

For the edification of @Qwerty1970 I'm going to add a bit of my story. I'm 50, and marriage closeness has been in decline for several years. Our children are adults now, and like many people I had looked forward to this time of life when we could ignore the school schedule and go places whenever we wanted. Making the transition from Supporting parents of teens, to a mature couple has not been as easy as I thought. We seem to have had different ideas about what we wanted to do with our new freedom. I wanted to Hike. She was not so sure about physical exertion. Enter the road blocks. "I will go hiking as long as there are no hills. I want shade and trees." Folks we live in a mountainous desert environment. The only place there are trees is in the mountains. Every national forest is in mountains. There is literally no place to hike that fit her requirements. So I doubled down. I told her that I was going on a hike. And then I went, Without her. Then I planned another hike. Suddenly she was interested in my plans. How far is it? What is there to see? I was ready, I had a hike planned that was only 4.5 miles with a climb of only 200 feet. There were not many trees, but it was as close as I could get to her requirements. It worked.

Now about the overnight trip. When our children were young we did that. We left the kids with family and got away for couple time. But now there is a new road block. My Birthday is in December. Last year when asked I told her that I would like her to plan an overnight for us. It has been 10 months. Last month I started with I'm thinking of going to the gulf coast for my birthday this year. Her reply, "I don't like the gulf coast in the winter". Me: Oh, you want to go with? This week I proposed a B and B in an isolated desert canyon, (a place she would never consider) and at this point she is "ok, book it". 

Her ONE reason to want to go is that she doesn't want to be left behind. Once she has one reason to want to go, the roadblocks disappear. So can you find ONE reason for her to want to go on an overnight with you? I think you will only need to find ONE reason.
MN


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr. Nail, you're missing my point. He's being told to decide FOR HER how to make her want to go. That's not how you get women to change their mind.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Her issues could be packing up all her skincare products, makeup and hair care products. It's the same packing as for a 2-3 week trip. The clothing items are nothing so they are not the issue. Then there is the personal coffee maker and other necessities.
> 
> She could do with duplicates of the above-mentioned and keep them in a go bag. Ask her if this is the problem and, if it is, treat her to the extras.


I asked her and she said it still is just too much work for just one night.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And...?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

We go away a lot for one nighters and yeah there is a lot to pack but most of it is not essential. Hair care stuff is not needed as I wear my hair up if a weekender. Facial products and make up really no big deal, so what if it takes 5 or even 10 minutes to put it all in a bag?

OP I would tell her you understand and then tell her that you are going for 3 nights instead. if she balks at that the excuse that it is a hassle to pack for one night has just been outed.

When you go away for 2 or 3 weeks is there much sex? Is your sex life in general good? I am going to guess that the reason she doesn't want to go for one night is that it then represents a 100% expectation of sex which for someone that doesn't want it is a 100% negative. 

Personally I don't get it, I love taking off for a night or weekend and yeah I am fairly high maintenance when it comes to personal grooming.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

She's just being difficult it seems. It's one night - why can't she take the basics? Moisturiser, Foundation and lipstick would easily be thrown into her handbag in 10 seconds.

Maybe I'm just a low maintenance woman, I dont get the hassle of putting a few items in a bag - hardly an arduous task. Would it really kill her to be without all her makeup for one night?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think it's been said before...if she WANTED to be around HIM, nothing would be keeping her from going.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> I think it's been said before...if she WANTED to be around HIM, nothing would be keeping her from going.


I don't really agree. The issue, imo, is effort. She's going to be with him regardless of whether they are sleeping at home or sleeping in a hotel.

The next issue is that his priorities are different to hers. He sees it as less effort and an extension to the enjoyment to stay the night, she sees it as less effort to go home for the night (and not enough incentive to make the effort).

So what does it all come down to? Effort. If he's the one always giving in and NOT staying the night, then he feels he's the one always making more effort. Imbalance leads to irritation.

Edited to Add: OP, I think that it's easy for people forget or try to avoid remembering that you have to step out of your comfort zone sometimes for the sake of the relationship. It's important to have a reminder occasionally. I think you need to ask your spouse to make the effort because this time it's something you would like to do, that it has become important. Remind her that you don't often get to do this with her and this time, you need her to step out of her comfort zone for you and for your relationship. This one little request is not a big deal at the end of the day, but all these little things matt together to form the big picture.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> Mr. Nail, you're missing my point. He's being told to decide FOR HER how to make her want to go. That's not how you get women to change their mind.


Getting a woman to change her mind is not traditionally the problem. If she refuses to share with you what it is that could make her want to go, then you are left with the trial and error method. In my case planning the vacation was all that was needed to get her on board. Who knows what it will be for Qwerty



Qwerty1970 said:


> I asked her and she said it still is just too much work for just one night.


 It was a false roadblock. Sure you could try to extend to 3 nights, but the point is You want one night. 



MrsHolland said:


> I am going to guess that the reason she doesn't want to go for one night is that it then represents a 100% expectation of sex which for someone that doesn't want it is a 100% negative.


 Going without her will either prove to her that it isn't about sex, or convince her that you don't care if your sex includes her. Kind of a dangerous dread game. One thing is certain she will have 24 hours to think about it. Book the Hotel, post it on the fridge. Put the Ball in her court. It's the only way she will tell you what it takes to get her to play.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

turnera said:


> I think it's been said before...if she WANTED to be around HIM, nothing would be keeping her from going.


We still are going for the day. We have been trying to do more things together, date nights perse. The above is not the case for an overnight.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

breeze said:


> I don't really agree. The issue, imo, is effort. She's going to be with him regardless of whether they are sleeping at home or sleeping in a hotel.
> 
> The next issue is that his priorities are different to hers. He sees it as less effort and an extension to the enjoyment to stay the night, she sees it as less effort to go home for the night (and not enough incentive to make the effort).
> 
> ...


I agree, it is effort. Absolutely spot on re: imbalance leads to irritation. This is a small issue, but just another example where I think "really, would it kill you to spend 15 mins packing up?". And although we both agree there is distance between us right now, you don't see this overnight as maybe being helpful? It is these little things that will bring us closer. Not sure why she does not get that some times.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

breeze said:


> Edited to Add: OP, I think that it's easy for people forget or try to avoid remembering that you have to step out of your comfort zone sometimes for the sake of the relationship. It's important to have a reminder occasionally. I think you need to ask your spouse to make the effort because this time it's something you would like to do, that it has become important. Remind her that you don't often get to do this with her and this time, you need her to step out of her comfort zone for you and for your relationship. This one little request is not a big deal at the end of the day, but all these little things matt together to form the big picture.


Again, fully agree. Her retort has always been though, that is how I feel. Please don't keep harping on me to change my mind. Not sure where you go in that conversation, other than as some have suggested you just go on your own. Which seems a bit dramatic and not a great way to build a bridge between the distance!


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Qwerty1970 said:


> Again, fully agree. Her retort has always been though, that is how I feel. Please don't keep harping on me to change my mind. Not sure where you go in that conversation, other than as some have suggested you just go on your own. Which seems a bit dramatic and not a great way to build a bridge between the distance!


I think that's where you have to go with it if she no longer wants you to "keep harping on her to change her mind". It's either show her with actions instead of words how important it is to you, or give in and make it a day trip. IIRC, Mr. Nail only had to go on his own one time for Mrs. Nail to get on board. Had he never made that leap, she might not be going on trips with him now. I guess it's all relative to how important it is to you that she do this, now and in the future.

To me, drama would be canceling the trip entirely because she won't agree to plan it how you want. That doesn't seem to be your stance.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Her retort has always been though, that is how I feel. Please don't keep harping on me to change my mind."

Your retort "sometimes we gotta take one for the team". If you take 5 day trips, it isn't unreasonable to ask that one of them be an over-nighter.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Qwerty1970 said:


> I agree, it is effort. Absolutely spot on re: imbalance leads to irritation. This is a small issue, but just another example where I think "really, would it kill you to spend 15 mins packing up?". And although we both agree there is distance between us right now, you don't see this overnight as maybe being helpful? It is these little things that will bring us closer. Not sure why she does not get that some times.


You've mentioned the distance between you two a few different times. What's the source of that distance? Was there some precipitating event, or is this just the lack of connection that can happen gradually if both partners aren't actively working on creating love in the relationship? What else are you two doing to try to move closer to one another, and how actively involved does she seem willing to be in those efforts?


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

Rowan said:


> You've mentioned the distance between you two a few different times. What's the source of that distance? Was there some precipitating event, or is this just the lack of connection that can happen gradually if both partners aren't actively working on creating love in the relationship? What else are you two doing to try to move closer to one another, and how actively involved does she seem willing to be in those efforts?


Just have grown apart over the last year or so. I think I have put up with a lot, been told I am a saint by her family and others, and just feel maybe I need to finally push back on things. I am a pleaser and fixer.

We talk a lot, not sure if we have been able to do a great much to lessening the distance to date. She is very willing and wants it to work.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Qwerty1970 said:


> Just have grown apart over the last year or so. I think I have put up with a lot, been told I am a saint by her family and others, and just feel maybe I need to finally push back on things. I am a pleaser and fixer.
> 
> We talk a lot, not sure if we have been able to do a great much to lessening the distance to date. She is very willing and wants it to work.


In that case, I'm going to suggest that you and your wife, together, do read _Lovebusters_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_, both by Willard Harley. They should help you two figure out how to avoid hurting one another, meet one another's important emotional needs, and negotiate together for things that will create win-win scenarios within the relationship. All of that, combined with lots of quality time together, should help you two get closer. I find the books to be useful because they give you actual steps to follow to become more connected.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Heck, roll with it. Tell her "that's cool, you don't need to pack anything because you won't be needing clothes where we are going!"


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since she is willing and wants it to work, she needs to learn the fine art of compromise. Unless, she is already compromising in other areas and this is one where she will not budge. If the latter, then roll with it. Save the money for that night's stay for your longer get-aways.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Since she is willing and wants it to work, she needs to learn the fine art of compromise. Unless, she is already compromising in other areas and this is one where she will not budge. If the latter, then roll with it. Save the money for that night's stay for your longer get-aways.


Money is not an issue. I do think she does not compromise well. In the past I also have two good friends who live within a hour of us. When I have wanted to stay overnight then, same response but because she likes her own bed and we never stay over. I explained then that it means a lot to me, as just allows for a nicer visit the odd time. Never budged on that one either, so I gave up trying. For me, it did not seem like a huge ask for one time in a year.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

She obviously doesn't want to spend time with you if its such an inconvenience to pack a bag. I'd personally recommend calling the whole thing off and spending a nice weekend doing something you like without her.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

Ol'Pal said:


> She obviously doesn't want to spend time with you if its such an inconvenience to pack a bag. I'd personally recommend calling the whole thing off and spending a nice weekend doing something you like without her.


I agree that if you look at this from the outside, that is a logical conclusion.

But that is not it. She is trying prob more than me at times to find things to do together. And as before, we have gone on 2 & 3 week vacations already this yr, with more planned in the New Year.

I kind of am leaning towards just going on my own, as even spending the day only there with her might be hard to get these thoughts I have now washed out of my mind.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Her issues could be packing up all her skincare products, makeup and hair care products. It's the same packing as for a 2-3 week trip. The clothing items are nothing so they are not the issue. Then there is the personal coffee maker and other necessities.
> 
> She could do with duplicates of the above-mentioned and keep them in a go bag. Ask her if this is the problem and, if it is, treat her to the extras.


This is exactly how I feel. Packing up all the bottles and not missing anything is a problem. I have too many lotions and potions. It's a pain in the neck to pack them all up. I don’t buy the little travel shampoo, etc., because I do not use those brands. I have certain things that I special order that do not come in travel sizes. I do have some travel containers that I use, but it's still a hassle.
I can only imagine what might happen if my husband decided to pack my bag for me. He has no idea and is not interested and I don’t blame him. Taking a picture of all my stuff would not help. He’s bring things that I don’t use. If he had to ask me and have my help, I may as well do it myself, which is what the problem is.


Qwerty1970 said:


> I agree, it is effort. Absolutely spot on re: imbalance leads to irritation. This is a small issue, but just another example where I think "really, would it kill you to spend 15 mins packing up?". And although we both agree there is distance between us right now, you don't see this overnight as maybe being helpful? It is these little things that will bring us closer. Not sure why she does not get that some times.


If my husband took this attitude with me, I would be less likely to want to go anywhere with him for the day or overnight. Cut her some slack. She wants to enjoy the day with you, but that’s not good enough – is it?
It’s not helpful if you are pressuring her and making her feel bad for not wanting to go. There is more to it than packing. It’s the whole pulling all your stuff out, drying it off after you take a shower, fitting it all back into the little bag that is stuffed. Going for a few days doesn’t require this. You can leave it out, but for one day it doesn’t seem worth it.
Go. Enjoy the day with your wife. Stop giving her a bad time about not wanting to stay the night. Be happy that she wants to be with you. Let her sleep in her own bed without giving her a bad time and you may be rewarded with a happy wife who wants to be close to you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is exactly how I feel. Packing up all the bottles and not missing anything is a problem. *I have too many lotions and potions.* It's a pain in the neck to pack them all up. I don’t buy the little travel shampoo, etc., because I do not use those brands. I have certain things that I special order that do not come in travel sizes. I do have some travel containers that I use, but it's still a hassle.
> I can only imagine what might happen if my husband decided to pack my bag for me. He has no idea and is not interested and I don’t blame him. *Taking a picture of all my stuff would not help. He’s bring things that I don’t use.* If he had to ask me and have my help, I may as well do it myself, which is what the problem is.
> 
> If my husband took this attitude with me, I would be less likely to want to go anywhere with him for the day or overnight. Cut her some slack. She wants to enjoy the day with you, but that’s not good enough – is it?
> ...


Which do you want more? Your husband or your bottles that you don't even use?
When it comes to road blocks What I see over and over are piles of excuses that have been built up just to justify a position, the reason for which has long been forgotten. In the end it comes down to I just don't want to go.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Which do you want more? Your husband or your bottles that you don't even use?


I would like my husband to consider my feelings and not try to force his agenda on me.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is exactly how I feel. Packing up all the bottles and not missing anything is a problem. I have too many lotions and potions. It's a pain in the neck to pack them all up. I don’t buy the little travel shampoo, etc., because I do not use those brands. I have certain things that I special order that do not come in travel sizes. I do have some travel containers that I use, but it's still a hassle.
> I can only imagine what might happen if my husband decided to pack my bag for me. He has no idea and is not interested and I don’t blame him. Taking a picture of all my stuff would not help. He’s bring things that I don’t use. If he had to ask me and have my help, I may as well do it myself, which is what the problem is.
> 
> If my husband took this attitude with me, I would be less likely to want to go anywhere with him for the day or overnight. Cut her some slack. She wants to enjoy the day with you, but that’s not good enough – is it?
> ...


I don't have an agenda, and I have not pressured her. Don't think my request is that burdensome. In a happy relationship it is a no brainer in my opinion.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The obvious solution is for her to streamline her routine when on the road. Take the essentials and leave the rest. Doesn't sound as though she is amenable to that. 

Try working on the area of compromise.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Also: Why take a perfectly nice day and add something that your wife clearly doesn't want to do? What is the point of that? Why not enjoy the day and end up in your own nice, cozy, comfortable bed rather than dealing with a hotel bed and all the hassle? I don't understand the point of it. It seems like you are just being contentious to keep trying to get her to see your way. Is there some reason why you want to spend the night so badly?


Qwerty1970 said:


> I don't have an agenda, and I have not pressured her. Don't think my request is that burdensome. In a happy relationship it is a no brainer in my opinion.


Your wife doesn't share your opinion. Calling it a "no brainer" really shows that you think you are right and she is wrong you and she needs to get on board with you. Is your whole marriage like this?


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Also: Why take a perfectly nice day and add something that your wife clearly doesn't want to do? What is the point of that? Why not enjoy the day and end up in your own nice, cozy, comfortable bed rather than dealing with a hotel bed and all the hassle? I don't understand the point of it. It seems like you are just being contentious to keep trying to get her to see your way. Is there some reason why you want to spend the night so badly?
> 
> 
> Your wife doesn't share your opinion. Calling it a "no brainer" really shows that you think you are right and she is wrong you and she needs to get on board with you. Is your whole marriage like this?


Yes I think she is missing the boat on this one but it is her choice. LOL, no but I do put up with a lot from a non-compromising spouse. Prob too much.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Bottles win. And that lets the husband know how well he is considered. This is a two way street.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Qwerty1970 said:


> Again, fully agree. Her retort has always been though, that is how I feel. Please don't keep harping on me to change my mind. Not sure where you go in that conversation, other than as some have suggested you just go on your own. Which seems a bit dramatic and not a great way to build a bridge between the distance!


My suggestion for a reply to that would be "I was asking for clarification, not to get you to change your mind. I can't fall in step with what you want if I don't understand it. And without you explaining, I'm left with a void for an answer and I fill in the blanks based on my own feelings."

If it's an issue about not doing something you want to do, I would add "So if you don't want to do something I want and won't give your reasons for it so I can see if I can agree with you, I'm left with still wanting to do it and no reason not to. So we'll just have to do separate things on that day, as I'm going to do it, unless I hear concrete reasons from you not to."

She has to see you filling your own needs sometimes, if she won't participate, not just giving up on your own needs. That strength will draw her closer, as long as you're not a jerk about it (like calling it a no-brainer).


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Qwerty1970 said:


> Actually it is not. She is still very much wanting to go for the day. She has been the same way even when things were wonderful with us. It is truly because she finds going any where overnight an inconvenience. Yet we have done trips lately for 2 and 3 weeks together.


I know the type well, they whine and complain you never take them anywhere then you you go out of your way and plan something it's not good enough or they have some other problem with it. It's too much of an inconvenience to pack????? That would piss me off to. Hell, let her stay home and go by yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Qwerty1970 said:


> I don't have an agenda, and I have not pressured her. Don't think my request is that burdensome. In a happy relationship it is a no brainer in my opinion.


No offense, but that's a very self-absorbed attitude. Fair bet she sees it too.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You say you two go away for weeks together. So it isn't that you don't ever pack up and go away together.

She isn't into staying overnight this time when a day trip is just as feasible. So what? I don't understand the huge deal. Her view isn't "wrong" but it sounds like you are making it to be so.


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## Qwerty1970 (Nov 9, 2016)

Livvie said:


> You say you two go away for weeks together. So it isn't that you don't ever pack up and go away together.
> 
> She isn't into staying overnight this time when a day trip is just as feasible. So what? I don't understand the huge deal. Her view isn't "wrong" but it sounds like you are making it to be so.


I agree. Not a huge deal, so why not just go?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Qwerty1970 said:


> I agree. Not a huge deal, so why not just go?




Sorry bud - the problem isn't the W, it's you.

For whatever reasons, the effort outweighs the benefit for her. Accept that. That's your first mistake - you don't accept her opinion. I'm not saying it's a valid or good or correct opinion - just that it's hers. And... you've clarified your position - which I think is a good idea so she knows you really want this - but alas she has decided her needs outweigh yours AS FAR AS HER ACTIONS Go.

I highlighted that because your next big mistake is believing one of you has to set the agenda when you disagree. The reason this is a BIG issue is because of how many women - and particularly slightly entitled women - perceive this. If you allow your W to set YOUR agenda, this becomes very unattractive to MANY women over time. You elaborate by noting you are a pleaser - code for someone who lets others set their agenda.

So you are digging yourself deeper in the hole with her IMO by - on the one hand, dismissing her opinion- then following up by letting her decide what you will do.

So you CORRECT next move us to talk to her. Be open and accepting. Tell her you understand it just isn't worth it to her to pack for one night. But also tell her it's totally worth it to you, so you've decided to go and enjoy an overnight trip. Tell her it's not being dramatic or anything like that - it just sounds like fun and you're up for some fun. AND she's welcome to join you if she changes her mind later. Do this with a smile.

The point is to let her know you stand in your own two feet. You'll do what you can for the marriage, but you'll also look out for your own happiness.

This positive attitude is refreshing and attractive. I'd bet even money she decides to join you. If not, that's ok too


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Qwerty1970 said:


> I agree that if you look at this from the outside, that is a logical conclusion.
> 
> But that is not it. She is trying prob more than me at times to find things to do together. And as before, we have gone on 2 & 3 week vacations already this yr, with more planned in the New Year.
> 
> I kind of am leaning towards just going on my own, as even spending the day only there with her might be hard to get these thoughts I have now washed out of my mind.


 So you've been away at least 5 weeks this year? Maybe she's just tired of that kind of traveling. Most people only go one or two weeks a year. If that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Qwerty1970 said:


> I agree. Not a huge deal, so why not just go?


Exactly. Why not just go for the day and come back that day?

You know, if it's not a huge deal.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> Exactly. Why not just go for the day and come back that day?
> 
> You know, if it's not a huge deal.


Because it's about the lovemaking on these overnight trips. I know when my wife and I schedule these quick weekends away, we're both excited about the great hotel sex that is awaiting us at the end of the evening. My normally LD wife becomes a highly charged sexual dynamo when she is in a hotel. I can't explain it, but I would not be thrilled about the two hour drive and then a turn around to go sleep at home for a getaway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...he really wants her to commit to the overnight instead of the day trip so he can get sex? If that's the case, it's a fair bet she KNOWS that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

mitchell said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> > Exactly. Why not just go for the day and come back that day?
> ...


The OP made no mention of this. You are projecting your own thoughts onto this. Many replies from him, and this hasn't come up at all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> I can imagine what Mr Aldi would pack for me...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think I dated her once....


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> So...he really wants her to commit to the overnight instead of the day trip so he can get sex? If that's the case, it's a fair bet she KNOWS that.


Of course she does. She's telling him that it's just too much trouble for her to spend an overnight and that it's just not worth her while.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

Livvie said:


> The OP made no mention of this. You are projecting your own thoughts onto this. Many replies from him, and this hasn't come up at all.


Please


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> No, she won't. She may as well use the hotel garbage.


There's some nice giveaways in those hotel bathrooms.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Qwerty1970 said:


> Actually it is not. She is still very much wanting to go for the day. She has been the same way even when things were wonderful with us. It is truly because she finds going any where overnight an inconvenience. Yet we have done trips lately for 2 and 3 weeks together.


Actually it is.

If she was actually keen, she would have created ways. eg realised that she should have an overnight "dash" bag already packed (or at least a short-list that can be filled in under 5minutes), these things are essential for some careers. Or perhaps a plan with a spot of cash or credit to grab the easy non-essentials at the destination.

there is a bad habit of some people once firmly in the relationship to put the weight of such planning on the other party. Eventually they tire of it and it either falls to the other person to do the work, or ends up the "we just don't out any more" ('cause yeah... you made it hard work and *****ed about it all the time so I gave up')

If she has always done this then unfortunately she may have grown up that way, with that expectation. It's a sad result of domestication of the middle class, that the children grow up with that kind of stagnant mindset  (eg that I don't preapre, everything should be easy, that other people will organise stuff for me, and that I have to have everything "of home" when I'm away). Poor folks have nothing, the rich have other people to take the problem completely away so many don't stay in one place anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm going to bet that she knows full well that he's going to expect sex and if they don't go overnight, she won't be pressured to do so. At least at home, she'll have other ways to not have to. That's why I'm asking you to be realistic about your relationship. If she was that into you, or if she wasn't unhappy in the marriage for whatever reason, she might jump at the chance. The fact that she's not tells me there's more wrong with the marriage than you're willing to admit.


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