# SuckerPunched



## LoveSucksNH (Jan 7, 2013)

I have been married for 5 yrs and been with my husband for 8yrs. He came home from "helping a friend" and told me we needed to talk. I listened to this man that I love with every fiber of my being and heard that he "felt" like being with another women, she makes him "feel alive", he "thinks he is attracted to me & loves me but is not sure". He tells me that "nothing happened with this women, they just talk on facebook and she knows him".
I didn't know what to do or say, I was shocked to hear him say these things. I'm not going to sit here and say the last 3-4 months have been the best but I thought we were communicating and talking with eachother about these problems. I guess we really weren't hearing eachother!
SO I cried and didn't talk to him for a few days so that I could process all of this. I married him in my late 20's because I was looking for forever. I have a stepdaughter who's 14 and love her like she is my own and just don't know what to do.
We have talked twice since the bomb and he tells me that he loves me, our life, our family, basicly everything about me but he has lost some attraction, that I need to work out and do things. That I'm more independant person, that when I joke about his back hair it really bothers him, that our sex life it not what is was when we first met. He tells me that he can talk to this womn about everything and when I pushed the subject he did admit to writing sexual things back and forth with this women.

I don't know what to think about all he tells me. I'm so confused. I've told him that I know our sex life did turn into a routine but I DIDN'T RUN TO THE INTERNET and sex up another man. I have listened to him and am tring to see what our life or I did that made him feel he needed someone else. I have asked him to "defriend" her from FB, to not speak to he at all and he tells me he's not sure he can do this, he needs her as a friend and he cares about her. But then in the next breath he tells me he loves me, wants me, wants our life.

I don't know! Sad thing is he can look at me and I'm hurt but I still love him. I know I've gained some weight but I'm on a seziure medication that can cause this and I know I need to work on this, but he's no young chicken. He too has gained weight, nice belly. He is 6 yrs older then me and was married prior. His ex-wife cheated on him throughout his entire marriage.

I think I just need others to help me process though this.

Thank you for reading and responding.

LSNH


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

LoveSucksNH said:


> I have been married for 5 yrs and been with my husband for 8yrs. He came home from "helping a friend" and told me we needed to talk. I listened to this man that I love with every fiber of my being and heard that he "felt" like being with another women, she makes him "feel alive", he "thinks he is attracted to me & loves me but is not sure". He tells me that "nothing happened with this women, they just talk on facebook and she knows him".
> I didn't know what to do or say, I was shocked to hear him say these things. I'm not going to sit here and say the last 3-4 months have been the best but I thought we were communicating and talking with eachother about these problems. I guess we really weren't hearing eachother!
> SO I cried and didn't talk to him for a few days so that I could process all of this. I married him in my late 20's because I was looking for forever. I have a stepdaughter who's 14 and love her like she is my own and just don't know what to do.
> We have talked twice since the bomb and he tells me that he loves me, our life, our family, basicly everything about me but he has lost some attraction, that I need to work out and do things. That I'm more independant person, that when I joke about his back hair it really bothers him, that our sex life it not what is was when we first met. He tells me that he can talk to this womn about everything and when I pushed the subject he did admit to writing sexual things back and forth with this women.
> ...


LS, who is this piece of garbage your H is after? Is she married? 

You can save your marriage, but you're going to have to be ready to do some work.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He is in an emotional affair at minimum, possibly physical. Have you asked him how he felt when he got cheated on? Tell him you know what it feels like now.

Talk to a lawyer and let him know you're did it afterwards.


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## LoveSucksNH (Jan 7, 2013)

Well she used to be. He tells me they were friends prior to meeting me then she moved out of state. She was married and has a child. During our conversations he has told me know that she went through a bad divorce, then in conversation something about her parents were upset, that she fell for someone else and she left her husband. I asked him if it was him and it wasn't, it was someone at her job. NOW she is doing this with my husband! 

I have find out she has moved to England as of 12/31/12 but this doesn't make me feel any better.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

LoveSucksNH said:


> Well she used to be. He tells me they were friends prior to meeting me then she moved out of state. She was married and has a child. During our conversations he has told me know that she went through a bad divorce, then in conversation something about her parents were upset, that she fell for someone else and she left her husband. I asked him if it was him and it wasn't, it was someone at her job. NOW she is doing this with my husband!
> 
> I have find out she has moved to England as of 12/31/12 but this doesn't make me feel any better.


Can you access her FB? Have you googled her? Look for a current husband. If you can access her friends list on FB, copy it and save it to a word doc.


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## LoveSucksNH (Jan 7, 2013)

I did have access to my husbands FB but he changed the password. She is not currently married. I have looked her up and she is right there on his FB under his friends. 

I did gain access before he changed his password and was able to attach a new e-mail (which goes to me) and made it send notifications on everything to that e-mail. My husband is not that computer smart. He did good or so I thought until today I looked and she wrote to him as a reply to something he said. I can't see what he wrote I can only see what she writes. today was very vague, just something about getting back to work and thanking him for thinking of her.

I'm not sure if I should FB her and tell her to leave him alone or find out if she wants him.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

LoveSucksNH said:


> I'm not sure if I should FB her and tell her to leave him alone or find out if she wants him.


NO, do not do this. Sit on this contact for a while. What you need to do is a full FB exposure on her side, and a full exposure to all family and friends on your side. Go to her page and copy all her contacts to a Word document. Do it now. Now that he's told you what is up, she is going to find out and shut down your access to her page....or even temporarily delete it for a while.

Seriously, go do it NOW, then come back and we'll go from there.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry friend, he's deep into this woman.
You need to act decisively: he's more than free to go to her, to have her in his life but not as long he's married to you. You love him to pieces, body and soul... but you respect yourself more than you love him. You don't share. Period. So make him choose: give him your rules.

a) NC letter, aproved by you (ask us for templates).
Complete transparence in comunication devices and whereabouts.
Full disclosure of this affair (he's lying to you ,ther's way more, you will find out on your own once you start snooping).
Active participation in mending the marriage.
b) Divorce.

Kick him out of the bedroom, tell him those are your personal boundaires. He knows you, he knows the marriage, he doesn't need "time to think" becasue he's "confused". As long as he refuses to commit to NC he's chosing OW, threfore the divorce. Put it cristal clear.
There are no grey areas or third choices as he wants: Cake eating. There's no such a thing as remaining friends with this woman. He knows it.
-Talk to a lawyer, find out where you stand, your rights. Prepare yourself for the worse scenario if things go south.
- Detach emotionaly as best you can. Read, implement, live the 180.
-On his back put yourself in PI mode and put in place all the snooping tools at hand.
-If OW as a SO of husband expose her.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this 
The Healing Heart: The 180

Don't blame yourself at all for this. He crossed the marital boundaires, he behaved badly, he knew damm well it was innapropiate from the very beginning. It's not your fault.
You can't love him out of the affiar. Forget about it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If your marriage has had troubles for the last several months it may be that the OW is the reason. 

Don't discount the possibility that the affair was physical during that time - he has to justify it so he thought back at everything you've ever said or done and came up with hurt feelings about his back hair. 

If that's the worst he could come up with it's a clear indication that he's trying his hardest to blameshift. Further evidence of this is that he expresses his love, etc for you and the family. 

Understand this: all the 'devotion' he is expressing is his subtle way of telling you that it's not him that's the problem, he loves you after after all - he said so. So it must be you and your 'vile' hair comments that have driven him to another woman. 

He is grieving the loss of the OW and sharing his pain with you. Don't have any "heart to hearts" with him for some time. It will not be a real conversation from his end. Gather your thoughts. 

The world will turn as it always does.


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## LoveSucksNH (Jan 7, 2013)

3putt said:


> NO, do not do this. Sit on this contact for a while. What you need to do is a full FB exposure on her side, and a full exposure to all family and friends on your side. Go to her page and copy all her contacts to a Word document. Do it now. Now that he's told you what is up, she is going to find out and shut down your access to her page....or even temporarily delete it for a while.
> 
> Seriously, go do it NOW, then come back and we'll go from there.


I went to FB and she blocked me access. I can only see my Husband and her family so I copied that. I went to my H's FB and copied all the friends. 

What next?


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## LoveSucksNH (Jan 7, 2013)

Acabado said:


> I'm so sorry friend, he's deep into this woman.
> You need to act decisively: he's more than free to go to her, to have her in his life but not as long he's married to you. You love him to pieces, body and soul... but you respect yourself more than you love him. You don't share. Period. So make him choose: give him your rules.
> 
> a) NC letter, aproved by you (ask us for templates).
> ...


Thank you for responding. I would love to have a template for the NC if you have one. I will all this great advise and will def use this. Thank you!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I'm so sorry friend, he's deep into this woman.
> You need to act decisively: he's more than free to go to her, to have her in his life but not as long he's married to you. You love him to pieces, body and soul... but you respect yourself more than you love him. You don't share. Period. So make him choose: give him your rules.
> 
> a) NC letter, aproved by you (ask us for templates).
> ...


^^^ This is excellent advice. I hope you will feel the strength to follow it. It's very hard when you are reeling from the betrayal, but it's critical for you to be clear and decisive with your WH.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why was he divorced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveSucksNH (Jan 7, 2013)

MattMatt

His ex-wife cheated on him throughout the entire marriage. It was all physical with his ex-wife and her partners.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

LSNH,

I'm sorry, this looks like a physical affair. The fact you are blocked from both the FB pages and he won't give the the PW screams physical affair. (You need secrecy to hook up and sex chat.) 

Did you ever talk to his ex-wife? I'm skeptical of cheaters who say they were betrayed spouses once, because my ex pulled that one on me. Told me (I'm such a chump) that his TWO ex-wives cheated on him, so sad. No, turns out he was a serial cheater and it was all lies. 

If he really is a BS, it's staggering that he could be so without empathy for your situation. The whole garbage about you've gained weight and you can do this and that to please him? I call that the "humiliating dance of "pick me!" -- he wants to you dance that jig. The Humiliating Dance of

Time to jolt him into reality and protect yourself.


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