# Any ideas tospice up sex life?



## lauren2013 (Jun 7, 2013)

I have been married for 22 years. For a good portion of my marriage was spent taking care of our 3 children. Now that the kids are grown and off doing their own thing, I have way more energy to spend on myself and my husband. My husband for many years was very sexual and wanted sex all the time. Now it seems he wants sex everyday for a week then he says he needs a break for 3 or 4 days, which at times isn't like him because for many years he has always been to sexual and playful. We did have a ripple in our marriage 5 months ago where he said he wasn't happy and had no desire for me or the marriage (btw, even though he said he had no desire we were still having sex everyday or so) so that was a huge shock. Since that time we seem to have worked things out, but he wont talk about ANYTHING. A couple times recently while we were having sex in the middle his erection died and he stated he just wasn't aroused and blamed it on the fact we had sex 3 days in a row so he needed a break.. what??? we are only 42 yrs old really? So that makes me very nervous and leaves me wondering if it is me that he cant get aroused to or does this happen to men without meaning a red flag to the wife? He is always at home or at work so I know he isn't physically cheating and I have checked his cell phone log for unusual numbers and emails and nothing, so I am 100% he isn't cheating. 

If I try to ask how my husband feels about me he always get so mad at me and turns everything around to make it look like I picked a fight. How can I get him to tell me if he is happy with me? or how would I know if he is happy? My husband is very hot and cold. One day he is lovable and seems happy and literally the next day he seems distant and it leaves me wondering if he wants to leave again. I know I can over think and possibly imagine things, but last night in the middle of hot and heavy sex he just lost the erection and couldn't finish! huh???? 

I hate the fact that I question everything and every move my husband makes but after him telling the things he did 5 months ago who wouldn't be insecure. I do wonder if he is bored with our sex seeing we do the same thing every night. I tried anal a few times, but hate it!! So what other things can we do to spice things up??


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

lauren2013 said:


> I have been married for 22 years. For a good portion of my marriage was spent taking care of our 3 children. Now that the kids are grown and off doing their own thing, I have way more energy to spend on myself and my husband. My husband for many years was very sexual and wanted sex all the time. Now it seems he wants sex everyday for a week then he says he needs a break for 3 or 4 days, which at times isn't like him because for many years he has always been to sexual and playful. We did have a ripple in our marriage 5 months ago where he said he wasn't happy and had no desire for me or the marriage (btw, even though he said he had no desire we were still having sex everyday or so) so that was a huge shock. Since that time we seem to have worked things out, but he wont talk about ANYTHING. A couple times recently while we were having sex in the middle his erection died and he stated he just wasn't aroused and blamed it on the fact we had sex 3 days in a row so he needed a break.. what??? we are only 42 yrs old really? So that makes me very nervous and leaves me wondering if it is me that he cant get aroused to or does this happen to men without meaning a red flag to the wife? He is always at home or at work so I know he isn't physically cheating and I have checked his cell phone log for unusual numbers and emails and nothing, so I am 100% he isn't cheating.
> 
> If I try to ask how my husband feels about me he always get so mad at me and turns everything around to make it look like I picked a fight. How can I get him to tell me if he is happy with me? or how would I know if he is happy? My husband is very hot and cold. One day he is lovable and seems happy and literally the next day he seems distant and it leaves me wondering if he wants to leave again. I know I can over think and possibly imagine things, but last night in the middle of hot and heavy sex he just lost the erection and couldn't finish! huh????
> 
> I hate the fact that I question everything and every move my husband makes but after him telling the things he did 5 months ago who wouldn't be insecure. I do wonder if he is bored with our sex seeing we do the same thing every night. I tried anal a few times, but hate it!! So what other things can we do to spice things up??


Hmmm...I think communication is the key for your situation. You both need to be open and honest with each other. With that being said, you need to have the sex talk with him. Ask him what he likes and what turns him on. Have you tried giving him a sensual massage? Wear lingerie...thongs or g-strings.
I could name a hundred things. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

Same here, married 21 years, my wife says when we can have intimate relations. We are 50 yeas old, I still have a daily desire for sex, my wife has a weekly desire. Her steamy romance novels seem to influence her desire for sex so I take a peek at her Nook to get some idea's from time to time. The latest novel involves anal, bondage a...ahh...ginger root! She seems to increasingly enjoy anal play and so do I so this is our new "spice". I bought some anal toys and I'm slowly introducing them to her (no ginger root though). I also made some restraints but, she hasn't warmed up to bondage yet. I have to tell you, even after 21 years everytime we make love it's still as exciting as the first time.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He might not be cheating now but was he when he said he wanted out?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - there are a million things you can do from dressing up in a nice night gown to full on costumes, there's sex toys from dildos to [email protected] rings, edible/tasty oils, you can vary the location... have car sex/public sex etc... google it and you will find endless lists.

BUT none of this is going to help you feel any less insecure and needy. Thats got to come from within.
Unfortunately being insecure and needy is very unattractive... 

I have read your other posts and I really do understand your fears and insecurities but whether or not you spice up your sexlife or your husband decides to leave again YOU need to learn to like/love/approve of yourself a whole lot more. What can you start doing today to boost your self confidence/self esteem...do you exercise? Take care of your appearance? Eat well?, Dress well? Not to try and be a super model...just to be the best version of YOU.

A self assured and confident person is sexier and more desirable than any costume or toy.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sex behind the wheel at night in a rainstorm. Let go of the wheel until she agrees.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Early Grayce said:


> Same here, married 21 years, my wife says when we can have intimate relations. We are 50 yeas old, I still have a daily desire for sex, my wife has a weekly desire. Her steamy romance novels seem to influence her desire for sex so I take a peek at her Nook to get some idea's from time to time. The latest novel involves anal, bondage a...ahh...ginger root! She seems to increasingly enjoy anal play and so do I so this is our new "spice". I bought some anal toys and I'm slowly introducing them to her (no ginger root though). I also made some restraints but, she hasn't warmed up to bondage yet. I have to tell you, even after 21 years everytime we make love it's still as exciting as the first time.


Seems to have worked for us too. Tried reading a few of her novels on her nook. I have to admit they are way beyond anything I could have dreamt up. She admitted to me today that she felt guilty about her new found fondness for anal play. But thats ok, i'm happy to oblige. So to the op, even a 50 there are plenty of new tricks even in these old dogs.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

This blog A Place for Passion has a lot of wonderful tips on building an environment that fosters passion, exploration, spice and adventure and self love as well. 

Many women assume that if he loses his erection that it has to do with them, but that is often not the case. Health issues can impact erections as well as pressure to perform.

If there seems to be pressure on your partner, imagined or real, it can have an impact on performance. Our bodies are sensitive to pressure, even if if it just in our own minds. 

I would begin with communicating and making efforts to reconnect with your partner. As we spend years focusing on raising children and maintaining careers and households, we tend to let some of the focus on being a couple. Giving our relationship an elevated status in our lives can go a long way to improving our love and sex lives. 

There are a lot of ways to spice things up, just remember to not put too much pressure on yourself or your partner. 

Role playing can be a lot of fun. (there are a few scenarios on the blog above)

Adding toys to bedroom play can spice things up. (my favorite site is Welcome to A Place For Passion! with nice prices and a wide variety)

Sensual massage. (giving and receiving, sharing feedback of what feels good, stimulating with feathers, leather, satin and other textures)

Having conversations about what you like, what you would like to try, what you find out of your comfort zone. Conversations like this can really open up a lot of avenues for a couple.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think sex is only part of the problem. I think I can understand a part of what your husband felt when he told you he wasn't happy in the relationship anymore. I said the same thing to my husband several years ago and since then Ive had a very conflicted time trying to make this marriage work. However, I believe a wife approaches this type of problem very differently then a husband would and I, were I in your shoes, would be very concerned about this in terms of fidelity. If I were on the receiving end, knowing how vulnerable I am when in such conflict, I would be on the hunt for evidence of another woman. It almost sounded like a precursor to "I've been unhappy for a while and I've found someone else." Your husband hasn't followed through with that last part yet so it seems possible he hasn't fallen for another woman, but it seems likely he is extremely vulnerable and open to that possibility. I'm sorry to say this because I can imagine how this might shake all your insecurities to life.

If you want to save this marriage I would suggest that you become less eager to check how he feels or at least be less verbal about it. Seek to find your own joy in activities and events that spark your interest. Make yourself the best you possible, as Waiwera has already stated. Hanging on him, seeking his approval makes you come off as desperate which is unappealing. I'm not suggesting that you stop wanting or loving him. 

In terms of sex and his sex drive, I think you should become "the other woman" as part of an ongoing role play kind of thing. Meet him in a bar and introduce yourself with a different name. Ask him "getting to know you questions, where clothing that is very different from what you would normally. Go hippy, go slvtty, go goth, something very different from your normal wear. Allow a different side of your personality to come forth. If you are normally a people pleaser, become selfish and demanding while in this persona and vice versa. Surprise him with someone new.

I think your husband has either already had an affair or is on the cusp of one and I think you should investigate heavily to find out for sure. I personally would do nothing else unless or until that possibility has been fully investigated. But don't do this half heartedly. Go all out or do nothing. You might even want to consider telling him you think he is having an affair and you're not willing to work on this marriage until you once again feel confident in his love. I think you should introduce the elephant in the room and leave it up to him to find a way to reassure you. The fact that he resents you bringing this up is a huge red flag, IMHO.

In my marriage, he never brings up our relationship and I resent it. It's me who brings things up, it's me who seeks avenues to fix things, it's me who tries to get us working again and it's me who talks about the elephant in the room. I find it cowardly and resent the hell out of it. Your husband dropped a bomb but refuses to look at it, talk about it, or do anything to diffuse it. FVCK that! That is a bomb that could blow up the entire marriage and you BOTH have to address it BEFORE it goes off!


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