# I am a selfish person and now I'm alone



## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

My husband left me 3 months ago. I knew we had a lot of issues that were swept under the rug and never discussed. I've had a lot of time to reflect and open my eyes to the mistakes we made. Of course, the biggest issue was sex. My husband and I never had the "hot" relationship, but in the early years, we had a comfortable sex life. I never developed the confidence to be able to initiate or be overly sexual with him and things started to go downhill. The last year or so, he stopped coming to me; if we were going to have sex, it was up to me to initiate. I am shy even with my husband of 10 years. There were nights, I would try, but something would stop me. Long story short, I messed things up and we had sex less than 1x a month last year. I was selfish and never took his needs into consideration. Even if I wasn't in the mood, I should have made him happy. I never did. My stupidity and lack of confidence brought my marriage to an end. I was always embarrassed and couldn't talk to him about my problems. I waited until he had one foot out of the door to seek help, create romance, do all of the things I/we should have been doing since day 1. 

I know that is the main reason why he left. He's been meeting women and having the fun and sex he never got from me. I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd been doing that while we were together. He has one serious girlfriend who makes him happy in every way. I was naive for thinking that our friendship and love could overcome this. 

I am so embarrassed by how I ruined my marriage. I threw away a loving husband and best friend all because I was insecure with myself and not sexually confident. I hurt him so much and maybe that's why I have this whole in my heart that i will have to live with forever.

I am not looking for sympathy or even words of support because I don't deserve either. I can't tell my H how I feel but I needed to be able to tell someone.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

ZC,
If you get serious with another man - show him this. At least you learned and take responsibility. And even shy - if you need your guy to do something different - more of something or less of something - send him an email - give him a letter if you are too shy to talk about it with him. 

So many marriages fail over this - and for a young guy sex once a month is a nightmare of frustration. It just kills them. 






ZoeCat said:


> My husband left me 3 months ago. I knew we had a lot of issues that were swept under the rug and never discussed. I've had a lot of time to reflect and open my eyes to the mistakes we made. Of course, the biggest issue was sex. My husband and I never had the "hot" relationship, but in the early years, we had a comfortable sex life. I never developed the confidence to be able to initiate or be overly sexual with him and things started to go downhill. The last year or so, he stopped coming to me; if we were going to have sex, it was up to me to initiate. I am shy even with my husband of 10 years. There were nights, I would try, but something would stop me. Long story short, I messed things up and we had sex less than 1x a month last year. I was selfish and never took his needs into consideration. Even if I wasn't in the mood, I should have made him happy. I never did. My stupidity and lack of confidence brought my marriage to an end. I was always embarrassed and couldn't talk to him about my problems. I waited until he had one foot out of the door to seek help, create romance, do all of the things I/we should have been doing since day 1.
> 
> I know that is the main reason why he left. He's been meeting women and having the fun and sex he never got from me. I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd been doing that while we were together. He has one serious girlfriend who makes him happy in every way. I was naive for thinking that our friendship and love could overcome this.
> 
> ...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> ZC,
> If you get serious with another man - show him this. At least you learned and take responsibility. And even shy - if you need your guy to do something different - more of something or less of something - send him an email - give him a letter if you are too shy to talk about it with him.
> 
> So many marriages fail over this - and for a young guy sex once a month is a nightmare of frustration. It just kills them.


:iagree:


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. I am even more embarrassed because I'm 35 and H is the only person I've been with. You'd think that since he was my first, I would have been more comfortable around him. I didn't have to pretend - he knew I had no history. Now I have a history, but I'm afraid no one will ever want to be with me after knowing what I did (or didn't do).


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Zoe - stop beating yourself up. It takes two to tango!

You both had a shared responsibility to create and sustain a fulfilling relationship. If hubby regrets his departure and eventually wants to try for a reconciliation it's up to him as well as you to work at making things better for you both. I wish you well.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I'm hoping that by posting and "confessing" to someone else, I can admit what I've done in the past and start to slowly let the guilt go. It will take a long time and this is just one of many issues I need to work on, but I'm trying to face everything head first. 

I welcome the comments and criticisms - they give me a new way to look at my situation and hopefully learn from my mistakes.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it takes a lot to come in here and confess to what went wrong in your marriage and to take responsibility for your part in it. Like said before, don't beat yourself up. Learn from mistakes is all we can do, and you are doing that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*the way this works*

Any guy who meets you and likes you will not hold your prior behavior with your exH against you as long as you don't repeat it. 

So you don't have to atone with the new guy - just work hard to be a good partner and yes that means a good sexual partner too.




ZoeCat said:


> I'm hoping that by posting and "confessing" to someone else, I can admit what I've done in the past and start to slowly let the guilt go. It will take a long time and this is just one of many issues I need to work on, but I'm trying to face everything head first.
> 
> I welcome the comments and criticisms - they give me a new way to look at my situation and hopefully learn from my mistakes.


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## diaxis (Feb 20, 2010)

ZoeCat, I know its very emotionally traumatic in retrospect but you shouldn't drag yourself through the mud. At some point you will feel stronger and more level, you'll be able to meet someone new and build a special relationship with them. And if you're lucky there will be no bitterness between you and your ex and you might even learn to laugh about it. I have exactly these hopes for myself as I'm in a similar situation, just other side of the coin and not as far along. I know its very hard to view your situation optimistically from the vantage of being in a cycle of hurt, so just hang in there.


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