# Christmas gift too expensive



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I will make this short. Just need some advice. My H and I have been having lots of problems, but I won't get into that here because I really don't think it applies to this. Lately, we've been having money issues. We've been married 5 months, but still have separate checking accounts. He makes less money than I do and pays child support. I pay for most everything else and things have been tight lately. We still have bills to pay from our wedding and I've been making payments and he hasn't made any, which is fine, except for things like this.....

First, for my 30th bday, he got me a nice necklace. However, when we were fighting about money weeks later, he said he would have money but he had to buy me a bday gift. I don't expect expensive things, but that's what he did.

Now, I'm positive he bought me an ipod touch for xmas. I really want one, but there are a lot of things I really want. I haven't ever bought one because they are too expensive, and it's not something I need. I know what he makes every month, and I know what he pays in child support and any other monthly bills, and I know he is having his kids up next week and how is he going to buy them xmas gift or take care of them? I don't know how to react to the gift. I know he bought it with great intentions, but we can't afford something like that. I'm already struggling with our bills, this can't help. What do I do?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You're in a no-win situation here. No matter how you might try to soften the blow, anything you say that isn't "Oh, THANK YOU sweetheart that was just what I wanted!!" is going to crush him. 

This might not seem very romantic, but I'm more practical than I used to be. I've ended up with too much stuff that I didn't want. So every year we give each other a list of things that we REALLY want (and that's in the budget, if there is one). The surprise is not knowing which item you're going to get. So for me, it's a win-win situation. I get a gift I really want, we don't overspend, and I'm still surprised at which gift he chose. Might not work for everyone, it just works for us.

If there's any way to work it into a conversation that although you would like the ipod, you really want to wait until finances are more stable. That it would mean more to you to be able to enjoy xmas without stressing over money so much. Now.._I don't know how _you're going to work that into a conversation w/o him knowing your suspicions. Barring that...if it's that important, just tell him that this isn't the year for the ipod. And IF he did get it, you'd rather have something less expensive.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Yeah. That's a good idea. He knows things I want. I think he just thinks the more money the better. I bought him something that was around $50 and was worried I spent too much for our budget. He does the same thing with his kids. I think he feels money makes it all better. I just don't understand how he can do this when we've been having so many fights about money issues. I feel too overwhelmed because I feel like I'm the only one who pays for anything around here and that I'm the one it falls on if we can't make it. 

We've been fighting about a lot of things and anything I say he's going to take it really bad because of our most recent fights. I feel like the pressure is on me now. If I accept it, I know it is hurting our budge majorly and I"m the one who will have to deal with it by picking up more bills on my side.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Yep. You're in a no-win situation, alright. You catch more flies with honey, is what I believe. And it doesn't always work. But if you can find a time when he's relaxed, you haven't been fighting, and GENTLY and lovingly approach the subject? Let him know that you appreciate him wanting to give you your heart's desire, but it's more important to you to have a less expensive gift and be able to enjoy just being with family through the holidays.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It kind of sounds like maybe he feels bad about the fighting and can't think of any other way to express his love except for spending a lot of money on you. While it is sweet, you know your budget. My boyfriend spent way more money on me than I expected this year, but I've let it go because generally he's pretty good with money, so it's not a common thing with him. 

I wonder, did you two discuss spending limits or budgets or anything before you started shopping? We have two kids, and so for us, we do talk about spending limits before we start the shopping, so that we all know how much we're going to spend on the kids, each other, and extended family. 

If you didn't talk about it, I would maybe do it by bringing that up. Maybe "I know I should have brought this up earlier, but with money tight this year, I really don't think we can afford to spend more than X on each other." That will let him know your money concerns without telling him you think you know what he got you, and if he's halfway intelligent, he'll also pick up on that hint that he should return the too expensive gift and get you something less expensive. 

If he doesn't pick up on that hint, then you might just have to remember that whole "thought that counts" and deal with what he got you. Next Christmas, remember this and discuss budget with him before you guys start shopping. I would say you could ask him to get a second job or pick up more hours at work to help out with the budget since he went over, but that might make him feel like you're punishing him for getting you a nice gift, and that's really not the message you want to send, especially since you've been fighting.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

He is getting something for you that he knows you really want. So, things will be a bit tighter for a week or two, but you'll recover from that and be just fine. Appreciate his thoughtfulness and don't worry so much about the money. You both do have an income and even if it's a struggle at times, there will still be income coming in.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

From a male perspective I can tell you that if he cannot get you and his kids something that you really want, then what is the point of everything he's doing?

Personally I think he sounds charming and sweet. We all want the ones we love most to have the things they really desire.
He's obviously not naive about money since he's working and paying child support.








ku1980rose said:


> First, for my 30th bday, he got me a nice necklace. However, when we were fighting about money weeks later, he said he would have money but he had to buy me a bday gift. I don't expect expensive things, but that's what he did.


The above conversation from his point of view:

Him: I knew we were gonna be tight for a while but it's worth it to me to see you happy.

You: I know but I don't buy these things for myself because we just can't afford them.

Him: Right, that's why I have to do it for you.

You: But we couldn't afford it in the first place.

Him: A lot of people can survive with living on what they need, it's worth the worry to me to see to it that you also get the things you want to have as well.

You: Yes but this worrying about money thing drives me crazy so I don't buy the things I want, not the extravagant ones anyway.

Him: Right, that's why I buy them for you. If you bought them for yourself you would have too much to deal with internally, so allow the worry to fall silently on me and enjoy the things that you want.

You: Yes but isn't that just like me buying the gift for myself since I have to pick up the slack on the bills?

Him: No not at all because you would do the wise thing and not buy it for yourself. We could spend the next however many months and years with you doing without, but that would eat me alive inside.

Him: Hey it could be worse, I could just be a cheap bastard. At least this way you know when things get better financially that: I listen to you, I have good taste, and I care about making you happy. 

Him: Oh btw, I obviously cannot afford to completely spoil you like a princess right now but that's what you are to me, so please remember to act like a proper princess and shred the wrapping paper into bits and dance around when you get these type gifts, it really does make me happy to see your heart glow.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks for all the good advice. I really want to just be happy about it! I'm just frustrated because when he spends the extra money, I'm the one who picks up the slack. He used to have a job where he made lots of extra money, but when we got married, he changed jobs because of location and because he worked 24-7 at his past job. Now I don't think he understands how to cut back. He doesn't spend a lot of money normally, but gifts are always way to extravagant. I just hate that I am the one who will have to pick up the slack when he can't help with any bills, groceries, gas, etc. Neither of us can pick up extra hours at work because we are both on salary. And, as for another job, he's already talked to his boss about that and says it is not an option. I don't understand why as long as it doesn't interfere with his current job. He's not busy in the winter time because he works for a farmer.

Chefmaster - thanks for the guys point of view. I see a lot of him in what you wrote. That's why I'm so worried about this. I know I will hurt his feelings if I'm not excited, but I do think we should discuss spending all that money. We just can't afford it right now. But I do see what you are saying in your post and "conversation" and I think I will just buck it up and deal. I'm probably still going to ask him how we can afford this, but then I will just have to enjoy it! lol!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

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ku1980rose said:


> Chefmaster - thanks for the guys point of view.
> 
> I do think we should discuss spending all that money.


You are very welcome hon.

When you do discuss it just try to be ambiguous about it and not use ultimatums. If you can, don't be upset when you discuss it, pick a time when it's not bothering you and bring it up. Just plant the seed, it'll grow. If he really isn't naive about the issue it will likely stop a bunch of the extravagance.
But it will be because he is torn between keeping you and the kids happy and keeping you and the kids with a roof over your heads, not because he has upset you or has to worry about upsetting you in the future.


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