# Feel Alone in Marriage



## keylady (Jul 30, 2013)

First, I want to say that I am a Christian woman and I don't really believe in divorce, but the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have been married for 35 1/2 years. Now, that our children are grown and on their own, I feel this should be the best years of our lifes together. But, it seems things are getting worse and we are just growing apart and want different things. I want to go to the movies, dinner, week-end trips - I want to rekindle our romance. He wants his business, the deer lease and other things that do not include me. But the biggest thing is that his temper is getting worse and worse to just me. To anyone that would meet him, they would think that he is the nicest, kindest person (he gets compliments from his clients and friends all the time), but to me the words said are mean, cruel, degrading and just plain hurtful. If I say anything the wrong way or get the slightest bit angry, he just get madder and then the silent treatment starts. This can last for weeks and to be honest - it hurts. He does not know how to say "I'm sorry", so it never ends until I admit that I was wrong. I seem to be at fault for almost everything from a bad day at work, to needing to use the truck, to the laundry not being done, and the list goes on. I have even been the target of his anger when I had nothing to do with what made him mad. It was like he sought me out to take out his frustrations on; only the argument stops when he said what he wants to and walks out of the room. I don't get to say much, he will almost always walk out on me. To go after him is a BIG mistake, it just makes matters worse. I have been called every name you can dream up, most of the time he does this just to get me more angry or hurt me because he know those words that will trigger me to get more angry. I have/am just learning to be quiet around him or give him "his space", which leads to a great deal of loneliness on my part. I have prayed that God will change me and help me understand what I need to do. I have prayed for him because I know that only God can change a heart. But, nothing has happened - the silence still goes on.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I am really sorry you are going through this... It's not right... it's not fair. He has lost all respect for you and that's a really bad sign in my book..

My mother went through the same thing you're going through. It did not end well for her. Divorce was unacceptable to her... She ended up bailing out the only way she could. Don't let it beat you as far down as it did my mother. 

Have you thought about a trial separation?


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## Senior Citizen (Jul 25, 2013)

My heart goes out to you. Is he aware of how he treats you.....is it on purpose or just the fact that he is an angry person and you are there to be the brunt of it? It is no way to live......my marriage of 20 years started out similar....but led to verbal abuse and lots of silence. We divorced.....not something I did easily and without lots of soul searching....we had 2 children ages 19 and 15. Many years later we see each other what with the grandchildren and all. We have both moved on. He is so much kinder, nicer, and appreciative of me now than he ever was. I don't know where your marriage is headed......I do know that after my divorce the thing I loved the most was that I no longer had to walk on eggshells.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I would agree that he has lost all respect for you. I am making an assumption that he has not always been like this but it has gotten worse over time. If that is the case then for some reason he has built up an awful lot of resentment and anger towards you. It has now gotten to the point of emotional abuse.

I support the idea of a trial separation. Not necessarily with the intent of divorce if that is against your belief system but to simply level set. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. In this case it would be very difficult to work out these issues and have him let go of whatever resentment and anger he has because simply your presence triggers it.

This is not to say that he is justified in any way for how he is treating you. You may not have done anything to deserve his resentment or loss of respect. This may be partially or all on him ... but it may take a leave of absence on your part for him to start recognizing that.


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## whitecat (May 17, 2013)

Your story is very sad. He sounds like a very angry, unhappy man. Unfortunately, you cannot do anything to change him. You can concentrate on you and your happiness, even within your marriage. You do not need him to find contentment. You can do those things you would like to do on your own, or with your friends. Maybe once he sees how happy you are without him, he will want to tag along on your new adventures.

Personally, I could not live with someone who is disrespectful and cruel. You do not have to put up with it you know. I think it is better to be alone than to allow yourself to be degraded and emotionally abused.

Much strength and courage to you.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you could not and should not change yourself to learn how to tolerate/accept/deal with this abhorrant behavior. If you did change yourself, then you will lose your soul. Don't do that. you need to go into self-preservation mode, and that means getting away from this abuse, because it sounds like you just about can't take it anymore.

I like the idea of a trial separation. he doesn't want to be with you anyway so you are alone, except now you can be alone without the verbal abuse.

For a guy who is never wrong, it sounds like he's missing out big time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The problem with taking divorce completely off the table is the your options are limited when dealing with an unwilling partner. Your hb knows you're not going anywhere so he knows you're a safe place to direct his anger. You should really rethink separation or divorce, it might be the only way to get him to rethink his behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

keylady said:


> First, I want to say that I am a Christian woman and I don't really believe in divorce, but the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have been married for 35 1/2 years. Now, that our children are grown and on their own, I feel this should be the best years of our lifes together. But, it seems things are getting worse and we are just growing apart and want different things. I want to go to the movies, dinner, week-end trips - I want to rekindle our romance. He wants his business, the deer lease and other things that do not include me. But the biggest thing is that his temper is getting worse and worse to just me. To anyone that would meet him, they would think that he is the nicest, kindest person (he gets compliments from his clients and friends all the time), but to me the words said are mean, cruel, degrading and just plain hurtful. If I say anything the wrong way or get the slightest bit angry, he just get madder and then the silent treatment starts. This can last for weeks and to be honest - it hurts. He does not know how to say "I'm sorry", so it never ends until I admit that I was wrong. I seem to be at fault for almost everything from a bad day at work, to needing to use the truck, to the laundry not being done, and the list goes on. I have even been the target of his anger when I had nothing to do with what made him mad. It was like he sought me out to take out his frustrations on; only the argument stops when he said what he wants to and walks out of the room. I don't get to say much, he will almost always walk out on me. To go after him is a BIG mistake, it just makes matters worse. I have been called every name you can dream up, most of the time he does this just to get me more angry or hurt me because he know those words that will trigger me to get more angry. I have/am just learning to be quiet around him or give him "his space", which leads to a great deal of loneliness on my part. I have prayed that God will change me and help me understand what I need to do. I have prayed for him because I know that only God can change a heart. But, nothing has happened - the silence still goes on.


First take him "changing" off the table.

Now accept him as he is right now.

Do you want to live the rest of your life being verbally abused, the target of his anger not to mention the soul-sucking emotional abuse of the silent treatment?

Only you can decide.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he's decent to everyone else on the planet but he displays resentment toward you, what are the odds that he might have some reason? He's stayed with you over 35 years and you have stayed with him. You both apparently have decided that, warts and all, you are better together than alone. If he were a verbally abusive jerk in general, I'd say he's just an abusive jerk. If he's great to everyone else, though, it's possible he has a load of pent up resentment that justifies his bad behavior to you (in his mind). Does he have a reason to be pissed at you? There are very few devils or angels in marriage. We are all somewhere in between.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He knows that you wont leave. So why should he change anything about himself? He has zero respect for you, and you have allowed this all these years, so why should anything be any different that it ever has been? Until you grow enough backbone to stand up for yourself and be ready to end things, nothing is going to change.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I've been married almost 31 years. My husband was like that for over 21 year of our marriage. I walked on egg shells. He has PTSD. It was untreated until 3 years ago. That's when he decided all those years of misery were my fault. It got unbearably worse. The reason was that he was using his "charges against me" to make his case for not only leaving me but for having an affair while planing his exit. He tried to drive me off by saying some of the most vile things to me. He hoped I'd become hurt enough or angry enough to leave so that he wouldn't have to look like the bad guy. No one but my kids would have ever guessed how he was.
When I found out about the affair I had enough. I put the brakes on the way he spoke to me. I was not going to allow it any more. If he actually left then good riddance. We are in reconciliation, have been for 2 1/2 years. I do not put up with him yelling at me, cursing at me, or belittling me. If he starts to do it I tell him that I will not allow it and that if he wants to continue the conversation he needs to stop. If he doesn't I remove myself from his presence. I refuse to talk about it again until he can be civil. 
Could just be that I don't trust anyone any more but... has he been going places without you, staying away from home, guarding his phone with his life, password protected his computer, anything that might say he is involved with someone else? Seriously, I didn't see it coming. If you find any proof that he is, DO NOT confront him until you have enough to be indisputable and then only do it with someone you trust present. Keep the proof in a safe place that he can't get to. I hope I'm wrong. His behavior is making me ask. 
Oh, by the way, my Aunt Mary was a very Godly woman and would not divorce my uncle. However, she did leave him and refused to go back unless he changed. She died over 40 years later. Never went back, never divorce.


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## happynlucky (Jan 30, 2012)

My heart goes out to you. Being an Indian (where people believe staying in marriage, no matter what), I would advise you to leave him. You have already spent almost half of your life with him. now just LEAVE and live you rest of the life. If you feel that you can keep yourself happy in the marriage(which I think is almost impossible), you can continue. 
I am going through a similar situation currently. The difference is we are married for 7 years and have a 5 year old son. I decided to stay in the marriage for my son. I have to continue and bear this suffering because I am financially dependent on him. Even if I try to work, I cannot earn as much as I can and will not be able to give such living standard to my son. If I hadn't been for my son, I would have left him. You have already given him so many years. You don't have to suffer anymore. Even though I believe in marriage strongly, I would say, you must put your foot down and leave.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

happynlucky said:


> My heart goes out to you. Being an Indian (where people believe staying in marriage, no matter what), I would advise you to leave him. You have already spent almost half of your life with him. now just LEAVE and live you rest of the life. If you feel that you can keep yourself happy in the marriage(which I think is almost impossible), you can continue.
> I am going through a similar situation currently. The difference is we are married for 7 years and have a 5 year old son. I decided to stay in the marriage for my son. I have to continue and bear this suffering because I am financially dependent on him. Even if I try to work, I cannot earn as much as I can and will not be able to give such living standard to my son. If I hadn't been for my son, I would have left him. You have already given him so many years. You don't have to suffer anymore. Even though I believe in marriage strongly, I would say, you must put your foot down and leave.


You should take your own advice. Standard of living is much less important to the mental and emotional well being of a child, than living in a peaceful home free of conflict and disrespect.


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## happynlucky (Jan 30, 2012)

Its a peaceful home - we don't talk much. we try our best not to give a wrong impression to our baby and we succeed in it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

happynlucky said:


> Its a peaceful home - we don't talk much. we try our best not to give a wrong impression to our baby and we succeed in it.


You might think that you do, but children are WAY more perceptive than they are given credit for. But ok.


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