# Please I am at a loss and need someone to talk to !! Is he telling the truth?



## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

_Alright So this might be a little to long of a story If so I am sorry . Okay ill get to my point. I have been married for 3 years and 8 Months now and I would have to say that theres been more bad then good. I love him to pieces but, God Knows that I have been hurt by him . Just being metaly and emonianly abuseive takes a toll on you . and it's like brain washing to me .
he's got all the power. Now when he's happy or in a good mood hes amazing . and thats the husband I think about that I know when he's mad. now I did something soo bad that Just took me over the edge and is so not even something i would have ever seen me doing. His Best friend that is in the Army like my husband well he lived with us and when he got back from IraQ I we slept together for 2 weeks while my husband was in a schooling for work. I Did this because I wasn't getting the ation I wanted from my husband. I felt lke nothing and His friend was also my friend and talked to me alot about his behavor and what not. Now I don't want to go into to much detail but , All i know is the whole time I was sleeping with this best friend of his It was Like I wasn't even there. I felt numb and not there . and I told him do what you need to do , you don't need to be sweet or anything . I also at the time was drinking bad for months because of all the pain I was feeling inside.. well i get to my point .. 8 Months later.. I couldn't hide it from my husband any longer so one night while I was Drunk and he was in school out of state I told him I Had Cheated on him! and I hung up . Now you ask why on the phone well .. theres no way I would have told him this in person to get him to throw something or who knows .. so thats why. so anyways the next day my husband calls for details... and what not till this day he thinks we only slept together 3 times.. I just know it would kill him if he knew it was longer. well so he told his Srgt and he took time off of work so we could work on are marriage and what not and take counsoling for whatI did to him and for his anger and abuse issues . Now at a point I was happy I told him because its like he opened up his eyes and changed and saw what he was doing .. we where then doing sooo great and everything was fine.. but then a few months later all that kinda faded when we got in fights he would add well o well you slept with my best friend .. some how he always added that somewhere . well see now theres in issue..



So theres this girl in his Company that is in the army and single and well they became friends when He first found out I Had cheated on him . they where both in the same schooling at the time so yah . well now I geuss there best friends and **** . which I don't like only because, they flirt, I have heard the way She talks to him when shes on the other line, He acts differnent tords her on the phone. He Hides his texts from her once he found out i knew they where texting . He locks his phone so I wont go find something and ***** . he claims there Just friends and nothing more. but, I get this feeling I dont like and he gets defencive when I ask about them .

Lastnight on the way home she called him on his cell and he once again changed he didnt even need to tell me who was on the other line because I knew already well anyways she was crying and said she needed him and blah blah blah so he droped me me off at 6:30 pm and left to go see her alone in her room while she cryed and what not and the time he got home was 845 keep in mind his work and her place is four mins away . he claimed she cryed alot .. and she then played the piano and then the went to taco bell .. how can that take soo long .. O yah while he was there he called me at 706 letting me knwo he was taking her shoping for food cuz she was low well when he got home he said they didnt go soo hmm what am I to think on this??? he says there Just friends .. he laughs at me when i make a big deal out of this. I told him its her friend ship or our marraige he said he picks me but, her friendship to . also iv seen texts that say she loved him and he was like I hope so . they also got nick names for each other .. from a movie I know lame. but I dont know we got in a long fight last night I balled my eyes out ... do u think hes hidding something? are they really Just good friends? is he trying to get back at me in someway? am I just worrying to much? I love him to peices and I know what I did to him killed him inside but i never asked him to stay with me he wanted it to work out and so did i I just knew I did him wrong and now it seems he rubs it in my face when ever we get into a fight . please help! I cant even talk to him about this .


<3

mel_


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## Me9020 (Feb 3, 2009)

You look great! Leave him and find your real love....
You worth more that being with a man like him.

Good Luck.


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## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

I wish I could Just up and leave but, I love him  . I Just feel like the bad guy in all this .


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Why do you feel like such the bad guy? Isn't he the one that is mentally and physically abusive? THAT'S the bad guy!

You should never settle for someone like that. Is it the fact that you love HIM...or the fact that you love having someone?


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## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

Sprite said:


> Why do you feel like such the bad guy? Isn't he the one that is mentally and physically abusive? THAT'S the bad guy!
> 
> You should never settle for someone like that. Is it the fact that you love HIM...or the fact that you love having someone?


I know I deserve better but, I can't get myself to leave. I think when the bad happens too .. I tend to think of the sweet side of him and i tell myself hes going to change. I also don't want to be a 22yr old divorcey. I don't want a broken family. I put so much of myself into this relationship and I can't even think of how I would even handle leaving him . Do you think they are Just really good friends???


<3

M3


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Personally, I'd suspect much more than friends. Especially since you told H that you had an affair with his best friend. I'd say he's getting "his". 

I, too, think you should leave and find someone who will love and care for you and not be abusive. No one needs that!


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## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

I don't know I dont want to give him excusses but, he is never home late and doesnt come home and go straight to the shower or anything . I feel he doesn't care what I think about him being friends with her. Hes making me feel like I am the ***** for being upset for all of this.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

There is a possibility that he is just good friends with her, and that he is being vindictive and giving hints and clues to make you think otherwise.

My advice to you is this......You are young. You have time to recover from this. Do NOT spend the rest of your life making excuses for him or trying to cover it up and talk youself into being ok with this. In the end, you will be more miserable than you are now. You can not see it from where you are standing, but take it from a woman who has stood by her man for many many years. I stood by him because I was scared, not because I loved him the way I thought i once did. I made excuses for him all the time, to friends, family, his kids, and to myself to try to justify his behavior which was unacceptable. I was not strong enough to leave him when I first got the thought 15 years ago. Now I am 42, and have more to lose than I did 15 years ago. You do NOT want to live out your life with regret or always wondering "what if". It is time you think about YOU. What do YOU want out of life? If you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that shows he knows how to punish you for your mistakes instead of giving you the unconditional love a spouse should give...by all means, stay with him. But, if you want to live your life with a man that respects you, I suggest you move on no matter how scared you are. Us women have the uncanny ability to find all our strength when we can finally stand up for ourselves. You have it in you and everything will be ok.


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## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

Sprite said:


> There is a possibility that he is just good friends with her, and that he is being vindictive and giving hints and clues to make you think otherwise.
> 
> My advice to you is this......You are young. You have time to recover from this. Do NOT spend the rest of your life making excuses for him or trying to cover it up and talk youself into being ok with this. In the end, you will be more miserable than you are now. You can not see it from where you are standing, but take it from a woman who has stood by her man for many many years. I stood by him because I was scared, not because I loved him the way I thought i once did. I made excuses for him all the time, to friends, family, his kids, and to myself to try to justify his behavior which was unacceptable. I was not strong enough to leave him when I first got the thought 15 years ago. Now I am 42, and have more to lose than I did 15 years ago. You do NOT want to live out your life with regret or always wondering "what if". It is time you think about YOU. What do YOU want out of life? If you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that shows he knows how to punish you for your mistakes instead of giving you the unconditional love a spouse should give...by all means, stay with him. But, if you want to live your life with a man that respects you, I suggest you move on no matter how scared you are. Us women have the uncanny ability to find all our strength when we can finally stand up for ourselves. You have it in you and everything will be ok.



wow Hun this really Touched my Heart.. I have some thing to do . it's soo crazy to think how some many can have so much control over someone you know .. and sometimes even there thoughts . I just thought there could have been hope . if I leave I need to find a place to stay.. and get my **** together because for the past 3 1/2 years hes done everything for me. I didnt have to work... he took me everywhere cause i cant drive so now that I think about it I have never been indepented


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Find your independence girl! Wether things do work out with him or not, that little bit of self confidence you will have in yourself goes a long LONG way. Why don't you drive? Is it because you never took drivers training? or you just never got your license?

I know that being on your own can be totally overwhelming and scary, but you can do it. Do you have a place to stay? Do you have a friend or family member(i know that will be a tough one, but sometimes you have to swallow your pride and do what you have to to get where you need to be in life) you can move in with for awhile? I would never move in with my family, but if it was my ONLY option, I would do it.

Make a list for yourself of what you need to do. Top on that list should be Find a place to stay, then get a job, and get your drivers license,but not necessarily in that order.

Best of luck to you. And if you ever need any advice or even just a pick me up or someone to vent to, dont hesitate to keep us posted...you can even PM me


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## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

Hey Hun things are still rocky.. Hes still not going to drop her as a friend.. I read his text messages that he wrote to his guy friend saying how I am pissing him off with these thoughts of him cheating on me. He says to him hes not doing anything and there Just friends. I still don't like her. I am just pissed at the fact that I am upset about it and he's not thinking about my feelings. as far as driving goes I have a disability . I have CP! cerbel palsy. and as far as fam goes Not really .. belive me everyday I think about all this.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm sorry about all of the problems you are going through. First and foremost, huge red flag. He's abusive. You may need to just plain get out. 

Even that is no excuse for infidelity. I've been on the other end of this and blaming the other isn't right. You made that decision when you could have left him. His best friend that is even worse. 

Given that he has been deployed and seen a lot it could be the reason for why he acts the way he does. Absolutely no excuse for him to be abusive though. He may need help to get through that. I can't even imagine what he must have gone through and that may be a problem bigger than the two of you can handle. 

Your betrayal and his best friend's betrayal of him may have made him feel he had nothing left...so he turned to this other woman and he's being vindictive. It has to stop. Pure and simple. You cannot heal this marriage with her in it. Even if no sex has gone on he's still making a connection with someone else. So if you really feel you can't leave him then give him a shot but you need to tell him that if he really wants to heal your marriage you are 100% committed but there will be some difficult times. You need marriage counseling and he has to end the friendship with this woman. She is emotionally dependent on him and maybe he on her. You need to be his support system. He should not throw it in your face, you sound truly sorry and wanting to fix it. You do need to be transparent with him though he will certainly have trust issues and yes there is anger in these situations. 

In other words you both did each other wrong but stop blaming and start healing...but do not allow him to be abusive under any circumstances. You are young and you will heal from this relationship but you can't live the rest of your life afraid of him...that's not love.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Sadly I don't know much about Cerabral Palsy, but does this mean you can not work a full time job? Have you ever tried to contact social security to see if you can file for dissability? Just a thought.

If you are going to work it out with him, you have to be totaly honest and upfront about your feelings about this other woman. If he is just friends and he values the relationship he has with you, he will drop her as a friend. If he simply cant or wont do this for you and your relationship, I am sorry to say that it shows he will not do anything that important for you in the future. My feelings on what you should do are very strong....leave him. Your relationship is still young and so are the both of you, if he can not compromise now, he never will be able to. He is abusive and this is unacceptable on every level. Is he willing to get help for himself to fix that situation? If he doesnt see it as a problem, thats just another red flag for you. The longer you stay in a mentally/emmotionally abusive relationship, the harder it will be to get out of it later.

Don't feel like you HAVE to stay with him because you have a dissability. This will cause more damage to your self esteem than you can imagine.

You have to be strong and dont ALLOW him to treat you this way. No one deserves to be treated this way and if the 2 of you cant get past trying to hurt each other, then its time to move on. You hurt him with your betrayal and he is hurting you with his reaction to it. If he cant heal from that, the relationsip will never get better. Do you want to live the rest of your life in a relationship where you KNOW he doesnt trust you, and where you are ALWAYS trying to make up for it? That will only lead to more distruction in the future.

Have you flat out asked him what he wants out of your relationship? Ask him that, and then in return TELL him what you want. If his response is not what you like, dont let it be acceptable for now, thinking it may change in the future. If the 2 of you cant get on the same page now, you never will.

I certainly hope you are not hanging on to him for fear that you will not find someone else. That is not a reason to stay.


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## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I'm sorry about all of the problems you are going through. First and foremost, huge red flag. He's abusive. You may need to just plain get out.
> 
> Even that is no excuse for infidelity. I've been on the other end of this and blaming the other isn't right. You made that decision when you could have left him. His best friend that is even worse.
> 
> ...





Wow this made me cry ... I know what you are saying .. first and formost he has never Deployed! soo that is out the window. I asked him it's me or her ?? he didn't get the damn quetion and said .. i pick you but, I am not droping her!!!


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## Punkie (Jan 24, 2009)

Sprite said:


> Sadly I don't know much about Cerabral Palsy, but does this mean you can not work a full time job? Have you ever tried to contact social security to see if you can file for dissability? Just a thought.
> 
> If you are going to work it out with him, you have to be totaly honest and upfront about your feelings about this other woman. If he is just friends and he values the relationship he has with you, he will drop her as a friend. If he simply cant or wont do this for you and your relationship, I am sorry to say that it shows he will not do anything that important for you in the future. My feelings on what you should do are very strong....leave him. Your relationship is still young and so are the both of you, if he can not compromise now, he never will be able to. He is abusive and this is unacceptable on every level. Is he willing to get help for himself to fix that situation? If he doesnt see it as a problem, thats just another red flag for you. The longer you stay in a mentally/emmotionally abusive relationship, the harder it will be to get out of it later.
> 
> ...


This all hurts soo much. because, I know your right about everything down to the Dot. I want to leave but, feel Ill have nothing and wont be able to move on .


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