# Getting Over It



## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

My wife cheated on me 2 years ago. We mended our relationship but as hard as I try, I just can't look at her the same. I remember feeling like a lucky guy to have her but now it's feeling of knowing someone's laughing and saying "Yeah I had her too". The crazy thing is I cheated on her as act of revenge but it didn't make me feel no better. She got over what I did but I'm still a little haunted by her infidelity. Is it that male pride that is damaged?
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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I'm not sure I'd call it "male pride." For better or for worse, you're still coming to grips with your new status quo. You're still leaning about this new marriage. Because, even if you successfully reconcile, your old marriage is gone. That dynamic no longer exists. A new one is in its place, and the rules for that old dynamic don't always apply. And, also for better or for worse, you'll always have that tiny seed of suspicion and doubt. To be fair, since you hade a revenge affair, your wife will always have that same seed regarding you, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you want to stay married or not? 

And yes, getting cheated on causes one to have a bruised ego.


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

I am in a similar boat. I am a little over 5 weeks past the "initial" D-Day. At first I was dedicated to trying to fix the M. Now I just don't know if I can live with it anymore. I don't look at her the same way and I don't like what I see. No matter how remorseful, apologetic, understanding, and loving she is, nothing can change the fact that she disrespected, humiliated, and laughed at me. I cannot get over the fact that she was in the arms of another man. (And a POS "man" at that)


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

joekidd is in the exact same situation. It was ultimately a deal breaker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

theone79 said:


> My wife cheated on me 2 years ago. We mended our relationship but as hard as I try, I just can't look at her the same. I remember feeling like a lucky guy to have her but now it's feeling of knowing someone's laughing and saying "Yeah I had her too". *The crazy thing is I cheated on her as act of revenge but it didn't make me feel no better. She got over what I did but I'm still a little haunted by her infidelity.* Is it that male pride that is damaged?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Face the consequences of your cheating....


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

By having an 'revenge affair' you only made it easier for her to 'get over' it because now - in her eyes anyway - you are no better than she is. For this, and other reasons, so called 'revenge affairs' are discouraged. They never resolve anything and only end up making a crappy situation crappier.

There is no shame in having tried R (reconciliation) but ultimately finding out that - as lordmayhem said - was a deal breaker all along. You need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself if you truly can continue in the marriage. I hope you find the answer you're looking for and choose wisely.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Well you shouldn't have revenge affaired. That kind of made you lose any moral high ground. It doesn't matter if "she started it." sounds like you both destroyed your marriage.
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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> By having an 'revenge affair' you only made it easier for her to 'get over' it because now - in her eyes anyway - you are no better than she is. For this, and other reasons, so called 'revenge affairs' are discouraged. They never resolve anything and only end up making a crappy situation crappier.
> 
> There is no shame in having tried R (reconciliation) but ultimately finding out that - as lordmayhem said - was a deal breaker all along. You need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself if you truly can continue in the marriage. I hope you find the answer you're looking for and choose wisely.


Thank u. Yeah it's hard but I'm trying
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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Total dealbreaker, and that's why for me, reconciling is not an option.


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

WeDoExist said:


> I am in a similar boat. I am a little over 5 weeks past the "initial" D-Day. At first I was dedicated to trying to fix the M. Now I just don't know if I can live with it anymore. I don't look at her the same way and I don't like what I see. No matter how remorseful, apologetic, understanding, and loving she is, nothing can change the fact that she disrespected, humiliated, and laughed at me. I cannot get over the fact that she was in the arms of another man. (And a POS "man" at that)


I feel ya my man. What did she do to humiliate if u wanna talk about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

brokenbloke said:


> Well you shouldn't have revenge affaired. That kind of made you lose any moral high ground. It doesn't matter if "she started it." sounds like you both destroyed your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess it was my big FU to her and to build up some of that machismo to replace my damaged dignity. No I'm not egotistical but I felt real small when she did what she did. So I tried to get back that piece of myself that I felt that I gave away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> By having an 'revenge affair' you only made it easier for her to 'get over' it because now - in her eyes anyway - you are no better than she is. For this, and other reasons, so called 'revenge affairs' are discouraged. They never resolve anything and only end up making a crappy situation crappier.
> 
> There is no shame in having tried R (reconciliation) but ultimately finding out that - as lordmayhem said - was a deal breaker all along. You need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself if you truly can continue in the marriage. I hope you find the answer you're looking for and choose wisely.


Thank u for that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

theone79 said:


> I guess it was my big FU to her and to build up some of that machismo to replace my damaged dignity. No I'm not egotistical but I felt real small when she did what she did. So I tried to get back that piece of myself that I felt that I gave away
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah I understand the sentiment behind it...but I just don't see how it accomplishes much. But I don't need to tell you all this. This happened two years ago all. Better revenge would have been to kick her out and made her realize how low and hurtful she was to you...and then her having a lifetime of making it up to you. As it stands now, as others mentioned, you kind of "okayed" her actions by the doing the very same thing.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

airplane888 said:


> Vengeance is a passion to get even. It is a hot desire to give back as much pain as they gave you. The problem's with revenge is that it never gets what it wants, it never evens the score. Fairness never comes. The chain reaction set off by every act of vengeance always takes it's unhindered course. It ties both the injuried and the injurer to an escalator of pain. Both are stuck on the escalator as long as parity is demanded and the escalator never stops, never lets off ....
> 
> Forgiveness may be unfair but at least it provides a way to halt the juggernaut of retribution.
> 
> ...


Forgiveness is a gift that the betrayed gives to himself not to the betrayer. Forgiveness does not absolve the betrayer from facing the consequences of her actions. Lastly, it is better to forgive and not reconcile than to reconcile and never forgive.


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

theone79 said:


> My wife cheated on me 2 years ago. We mended our relationship but as hard as I try, I just can't look at her the same. I remember feeling like a lucky guy to have her but now it's feeling of knowing someone's laughing and saying "Yeah I had her too". The crazy thing is I cheated on her as act of revenge but it didn't make me feel no better. She got over what I did but I'm still a little haunted by her infidelity. Is it that male pride that is damaged?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Everything you're going through I am going through now. It is hard to forgive one another but, you have to take little steps one by one. Your wife had an affair and you did too, regardless you both are wrong. You can both point the finger and say you did this and she did this and, the conversation will go where. The best to do is, forgive and forget because it will kill and damage you psychologically. 

My husband cheated on me first with his ex gf, and I cheated on him with a friend from HS. I admit we both were wrong and we are slowly getting through it. I can honestly say since this occur we talk more now than ever. 

My next step is seek marital counseling, because it does take time to forgive and over night it doesnt happen. You have to move slowly. I am still learning this whole affair process too. I never cheated on any man since I was dating nor my ex husband. I wasnt born to be a cheater either but I made a bad choice and I admit my **** ups and i move on from this. 

I suggest you do the same you will drive your self crazy constantly worrying what if she doing this and what if she doing that, and what if and what if. It will go where besides you and your spouses arguing all the time.


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

brokenbloke said:


> Yeah I understand the sentiment behind it...but I just don't see how it accomplishes much. But I don't need to tell you all this. This happened two years ago all. Better revenge would have been to kick her out and made her realize how low and hurtful she was to you...and then her having a lifetime of making it up to you. As it stands now, as others mentioned, you kind of "okayed" her actions by the doing the very same thing.


Yeah. It momentarily felt good but didn't accomplish a damn thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Do you want to stay married or not?
> 
> And yes, getting cheated on causes one to have a bruised ego.


Yeah. It bruises us men the most. And it drives us to do dirt thinking the machismo will heal our bruised ego
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

Italian_Mami31 said:


> Everything you're going through I am going through now. It is hard to forgive one another but, you have to take little steps one by one. Your wife had an affair and you did too, regardless you both are wrong. You can both point the finger and say you did this and she did this and, the conversation will go where. The best to do is, forgive and forget because it will kill and damage you psychologically.
> 
> My husband cheated on me first with his ex gf, and I cheated on him with a friend from HS. I admit we both were wrong and we are slowly getting through it. I can honestly say since this occur we talk more now than ever.
> 
> ...


Yeah. It's more love than ever between but it's that tension that comes from my end every every now and then. We both did it but I'm the one that gets haunted by it. She moved on from it. I just don't do well with betrayal even though I did it too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....after reading all these posts...I've got to wonder: If you've been cheated on...and you stay in the relationship to try and make it work...and you don't embark on some "revenge cheating" yourself...are you permitted to feel / exhibit some form of higher-moral-ground attitude?..or will that in itself de-rail any chance of reconciliation?


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

Now that's a good damn question. Just curious, what's your opinion on my revenge-cheating?


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

I think the revenge thing to me I would just keep secret, as in "You got some strange, well so did I, I at least got something out of this Sh*tty deal, now we are on the same page". I don't think it's the thing to do, but for some men I think it would lessen the mind movies of the W with an OM, because you could run your own ;~)


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> "Yeah I had her too".


that would kill me too.


i think the fact she pulled a "fast one" on you first is what's eating you up, lately. i'm not condoning your cheating, but if she hadn't cheated first, you wouldn't have "gone there" yourself. 

i'm with Candie Girl.....cheating is a total dealbreaker for me. i wouldn't want to think of ways to get back at my SO after such a thing.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Forgiveness is one thing but you could never love them the same as before in my opinion.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Forgiveness is one thing but you could never love them the same as before in my opinion.


Very, very few men have it in them to forgive the betrayal, lies, and disrespect that comes from a wife's affair.
As much as you want to, you will never look at her the same. She is no longer the woman you loved and married. She is now the one who treated you like dirt and destroyed your marriage.

I do know of couples who have tried to move on after an affair, but only one who are still together after 5 years. It is a very hard thing to do. Your revenge affair was wrong but I am betting you did not hide it from her or lie about it. A friend of mine caught his wife in an affair with her Ex BF from college. They had two small children. He tried for 18 months. He told me he could not get the thought of her with another man out of his head and as much as he tried, he could not trust her ever again. He divorced her. He has now found a new women that he is very happy with, but tells me it may be a long time before he tries marriage again, if ever.

I have seen it said that it takes 2-5 years to actually recover from and affair. If, after two years it still consumes your mind, you might want to think about is it worth it to keep trying.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

theone79 said:


> Yeah. It's more love than ever between but it's that tension that comes from my end every every now and then. We both did it but I'm the one that gets haunted by it. *She moved on from it*. I just don't do well with betrayal even though I did it too
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does this tell you about her moral compass?


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