# Thinking about cheating or divorce



## Chapatti (Dec 15, 2012)

The #1 reason I am thinking about leaving is because my husband and I don't communicate! Other than talking about money, what he wants me to do for the day or if he wants sex, if he thinks I did something wrong or for him to interfere with me telling the children something! I feel very lonely! Every time I try to talk to him he either cuts me off, says he doesn't want to talk about anything, tells me to shut up or says he doesn't have time for me! If I persist trying to talk to him he either tells me if I keep talking to him he will blow up or he finds ways to call me stupid, *****! I am sick and tired of it! I am a stay at home Mom so I get really lonely sometimes and each time he does these things I feel unloved, broken hearted, angry and very sad! It doesn't matter what the topic is because before I can get a second word out of my mouth he cuts me off! I take care of our children everyday, take of his bedridden mom and mentally ill brother all day everyday and he doesn't appreciate any of it! What should I do? I don't want to be stuck my whole life in a marriage like this, my kids also disrespect me because of him and he practically encourages them to, by undermining my authority every chance he gets! He orders me to give them what they want no matter how demanding they get! I feel very much like a door mat all of the time, I don't have any self esteem left anymore! I want to make my marriage work, but don't no how much longer I can let him keep sticking a knife in my chest! Don't get me wrong I know I am not an angel or perfect, but my intentions start out very good and when he acts like this to me I feel like screaming at him and sometimes I do, but it looks to me he could see that my wanting to talk to him and spend some time together as something good! Oh yeah and he always blames me if someone else treats me wrong! Please help! Tired of a loveless marriage!


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Divorce. Cheating only complicates things, plus your husband will tell your kids you're a **** etc and that might set them up for the future to cheat on THEIR wives / husbands. Im a stay at home mom too. But I mean like, is this the whole story? Have you guys tried IC?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

kipani said:


> Divorce. Cheating only complicates things, plus your husband will tell your kids you're a **** etc and that might set them up for the future to cheat on THEIR wives / husbands.


I agree with all of this.

Don't have an affair to punish your husband or even because you need to feel loved. It will hurt you and people you care about. 

If he does not agree to IC or MC (and it doesn't sound like he will) be prepared to give him an ultimatum and follow through with it.

Will you be okay financially if you separate?


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## Chapatti (Dec 15, 2012)

You are right about complicating things, but he just makes me feel like a piece of trash! Would a kind word every now and then hurt? We I tried counseling but he refused to go and I got fed up with the arguments he would start if I asked him to go with me! There probably is resentment, but I can't imagine what for?


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## Chapatti (Dec 15, 2012)

I wouldn't be financially ok for a while until I got back on my feet! Unfortunately I can't even ask family for help, and my Mom who would have helped me, but she passed 1 1/2 years ago! I feel stuck!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree with decorum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chapatti said:


> I wouldn't be financially ok for a while until I got back on my feet! Unfortunately I can't even ask family for help, and my Mom who would have helped me, but she passed 1 1/2 years ago! I feel stuck!


If your marriage is truly as you say it is you should probably just leave. Definitely do not cheat.
How old are the two of you?

How long have you been married? 

How old are your children? 

How old is his mentally ill bother?

When was the last time had a job? 

What education do you have beyond high school?

You live in California. Really need to find out your rights in divorce. I’ll clue you into some of them for you state.

When you file for divorce, you will get interim spousal support and child support until the divorce is final. Here is the web site to calculate the support you will get. Divorces in California are take more years to do right now because the court system does not have the funds. So you will probably be able to get this support for 1-3 years.

https://www.cse.ca.gov/ChildSupport/cse/guidelineCalculator

After divorce, since your income is much less than his, you will get child support until the children turn 18. 
If you have been married less than 10 years, you will most likely get spousal support (up to 30% of his income) for half the length of the marriage. If you were married 10 years it’s generally year for year. At some point leading up to 20 years of marriage you can get lifelong spousal support. Now the goal is for each spouse to be self-supporting. So hopefully at some point you will not need spousal support.

Once you divorce also get into school and get training or a college degree depending on what you want to do. You can most likely qualify for federal and state financial aid.

Here is the state self-help website. Read up on how to go about this. There are tons of websites that talk about the laws and your rights. Then find an attorney.

http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-divorce.htm

Now about his mentally ill brother. How old is he? Is he living with you? Has anyone tried to get him on SSI and in a place of his own?

Does his mother live with you? See about getting her into some kind of care facility. He will not be able to care for her when you leave.

Stop trying to talk to him and treat him according to the 180 in my signature block below. You need to find a way to grow some independence and separate from an abusive situation. You would also benefit from individual counseling from someone who deals with abuse.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I agree with EleGirl's suggestion that you call an abused woman's hotline. You ARE being abused! They can help you find some free or low-cost counseling where YOU can LEARN to regain some self-respect, set some boundaries, create a lifeplan for yourself, take meaningful action to CREATE the life you want and deserve.

Counseling will help you feel better NOW, while you're in crisis mode. It will help you gain long-term perspective (for yourself AND for your children) and will help you understand the steps you need to take (in order) to make meaningful change in your life.

We could better advise you with answers to the following questions.

Ages of you and spouse?
Length of marriage?
First marriage for both of you?
Number and ages of children?
Who EXACTLY lives in your house?
How long been caring for MIL & BIL?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Divorce. Especially before you start seeing other men. 

If you cheat on your husband, it makes life 1000x's worse no matter what the situation is. Don't cheat, ever.

Start by coming up with an exit plan, talk to an attorney. You shouldn't have to live this way. You might want to start seeking employment as well, this will help you get back on your feet.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

I will say something from my experience which you guys probably won't like.
Cheat - have an affair.
OP is depressed, lonely, feeling like a doormat. Been there , done that - maybe minus the doormat.
20 years of marriage and last 5 years trying to find the balls to get a divorce. I couldn't.
Having an Affair proved to me that I can still be desirable, loved and sexy. It made me strong. I didn't file for D yet but did inform my husband and gave him 2 weeks notice to vacate my house.
Had I not met OM I would probably be stuck in this marriage for another 10 years - lonely, depressed craving intimacy and human contact.
The trick is not to get caught.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

pandorabox said:


> I will say something from my experience which you guys probably won't like.
> Cheat - have an affair.
> OP is depressed, lonely, feeling like a doormat. Been there , done that - maybe minus the doormat.
> 20 years of marriage and last 5 years trying to find the balls to get a divorce. I couldn't.
> ...


so what your saying is your a week person. 

maybe if you were strong enough to confront you husband with a I am out of hear because I'm unhappy in our marriage because of this or that and if we don't try to work on a solution I think divorce would be best.


hope you new guy realises that you perfer to cheat rether than comunicate about the problems.

Oh yes he know because your cheating with him.

you took the cowards way out.


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