# bad ending to a decent weekend, advice please.. thank you...



## torani (May 6, 2013)

This weekend my partner and 3 kids went out of town to celebrate his grandparents 60th wedding anniversary and vow renewals.. Amazing huh! 60 years! This couple is pretty awesome.. 

Anyway my partner and I seemed to do well ( got along with no fights ) right up until tonight when we left his grandparents house to make the 2 hour drive home. So we finally got loaded up in the car and as we are pulling away my infant starts screaming AND then my 2 year old starts crying for an unknown reason. My 14 yr old sitting in the back seat was trying to comfort the baby and I pulled the car over after about 2 blocks so I could get out and see what was going on with the 2yr old... I threw a few more things in my trunk so my 14 yr old could have enough sitting room. Dad was making baby a bottle so I decided to quickly smoke a cigarette before getting out on the road. 

Yes I started smoking again... I know its bad for me but I am not willing to part with it at the moment. Anyways then my partner gets out of the car and says to me... sarcasitially and with a pi**ed off look on his face "Really?", " Now your gonna smoke?" Puzzled by his reaction, I replied, yes whats wrong? He then said " Your going to make us wait on you in the car while you smoke?" I replied, Well I wanted to smoke before we get on the road... He then proceeds to tell me " we just got all the kids loaded up in the car, ( I did all of the loading of the car by the way ) and now your going to inconvienence us by making us wait on you while you smoke! " I responded to him that I have spent the entire weekend catering to all of our childrens and his needs and that I didn't see anything wrong with him allowing me to have a few minutes to smoke if I want to.. He said " because you are majorly inconveniencing me and the kids making them wait in the car longer than they need to be.." 

I just spent and hour and half earlier that day with the kids in the car waiting while he went fishing at the lake... 

I told him I cant understand why he feels the need to criticize me, that I don't do that to him and its not fair for him to do it to me... I told him I am tired of the criticism, it hurts my feelings that he cant just be nice to me or supporting of what I want regardless of how he feels. I also told him I understand his right to have an opinion but does he always have to say something to me. I told him that he is my partner and I feel he should be supporting me not criticizing me... 

This led to a long argument in the street... delaying our take off even longer.. 

I admit I didn't handle this very well. I wish I could have ignored him and just walked away but the build up of feeling personally attacked by him on so many occasions made me explode in anger... Then of course according to him, I am irrational and should pick my battles more wisely according to him.. 

Really? I didn't start this argument! He hurts my feelings... 

So here is what I need advice on, Am I being to sensitive or would these comments offend you to if said by your spouse? 

Is this really him criticizing me or is my perception wrong?

Any ideas on how I can handle these types of situations in the future? I am tired of the long drawn out arguments..

Thanks for reading, I know its long...


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Off Topic but please remember that the residual smoke that clings to your clothes is bad.
Thirdhand Smoke - no-smoke.org

Take any old dress you were wearing when you smoked and take a deep breath. Can you smell the lingering smell?

Sorry for going off-topic but reading up on this scared me into quitting smoking. In a few months, I complete 5 years of smoke free existence after smoking for over 13 years.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Here's what I see... for what it's worth...



torani said:


> I pulled the car over after about 2 blocks. Dad was making baby a bottle so I decided to quickly smoke a cigarette before getting out on the road.
> 
> *Both you and he are trying to fix a problem. You've done what you thought needed to be done, and then decided to use extra time you thought you'd have to smoke a cigarette while he finished up his end. Ok so far. *
> 
> ...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sorry Torani I'm familiar with your situation and sympathize and understand difficulty you have had in your relationship. But I have to side with your SO on this one. You could easily have put the cigarette out when he was done. From that point both of you mishandled things. 

P.s. How's the baby? Being a handful or one of those rare ones that's happy as long as they're dry and fed?


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

My husband never let me smoke. He would break them, scream, yell, have temper tantrums and was outright abusive. One day he told me he loved me, and he and the kids were scared that I will eventually get sick. I would have never thought by the way he treated me.

I never smoked in front of the kids. I know my little habit was because of my fathers' smoking. Not willing to do that to my kids. I had to quit to matter how I felt about it, and I'm a better person for it.

It is a nasty, smelly, habit especially is the spouse doesn't smoke. Your husband seems like a nice guy. Get nicotine patches, and get it in your head that cigarettes are dirty, smelly, they age you, and are bad for your kids. Hate them as if they were your worst enemy, and then get busy with something else.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Here's what I see... for what it's worth...





KathyBatesel said:


> Here's what I see... for what it's worth...


Both you and he are trying to fix a problem. You've done what you thought needed to be done, and then decided to use extra time you thought you'd have to smoke a cigarette while he finished up his end. Ok so far. 

*this would be accurate...*

He then proceeds to tell me " we just got all the kids loaded up in the car, ( I did all of the loading of the car by the way ) and now your going to inconvienence us by making us wait on you while you smoke! " 

He notices you doing this and isn't happy about it. He uses sarcasm instead of making a simple and polite request. You let it bait you into becoming defensive. 
*
Yes accurate*

I responded to him that I have spent the entire weekend catering to all of our childrens and his needs and that I didn't see anything wrong with him allowing me to have a few minutes to smoke if I want to.. He said " because you are majorly inconveniencing me and the kids making them wait in the car longer than they need to be.." 

Because you're feeling defensive, you respond with some veiled criticism of your own, implying that you, not he, attends to the children and that you are a victim. What you do NOT do is recognize what is valid about his statement - that within minutes, you've got seriously fussy children and that by taking extra time, it could increase their discomfort and tension. 
*

I can see where this may have some veiled criticism, however, I Was not implying that he does not attend to the kids. I don't feel that way. I don't agree that his statement to me was valid. I attended to the children and took care of their needs BEFORE I took time for myself. To me the only difference I see was the activity of the smoking. Would my partner have been just as inconvenienced if I had to stop somewhere to pee? I doubt it..

It doesn't matter if I take that time to smoke, or if I take time to use the restroom or buy a coffee for the drive home... When my children get fussy or tense, I tend to them immediately. Unfortunately I don't think life will always be convenient for them. *

I just spent and hour and half earlier that day with the kids in the car waiting while he went fishing at the lake... 

So basically, you're both teaching your kids that personal "fun" comes before including everyone in the family? You want to smoke, the kids must wait. He wants to fish, the kids must wait. What lessons do you suppose the kids are learning from events like these? 

*
I don't agree that a parent taking time to do any personal activity of their own is teaching their children that personal fun comes before anyone in the family. Including the fishing. Now if I, we had neglected our kids all day, maybe.. If I let them sit in the car and just cry until I was done smoking, then yeah maybe. However I spent all day with my children including lots of fun activities for them and the family spending time together. I think my kids will remember the great day they had. In the car I tended to them immediately, they were not uncomfortable for long.*

I told him I cant understand why he feels the need to criticize me, that I don't do that to him and its not fair for him to do it to me... I told him I am tired of the criticism, it hurts my feelings that he cant just be nice to me or supporting of what I want regardless of how he feels. 

"Pot, meet Kettle." I think you are deceiving yourself when you say this. You are critical of him every time you make statements like this one or the martyrdom type of statements you wrote above. You also failed to be nice or supportive of him when you insisted on smoking instead of saying, "Oh, you're ready? Let me put this out now." 

*Maybe my comment was perceived as critical. Perhaps I should have done a better job at validating his feelings. 

However, I don't agree that because I wouldn't put down my cigarette as he would have preferred is being mean or unsupportive of him in anyway. If I would have told him his feelings weren't important to me then yeah I could see how that might be mean or supportive.* 

I also told him I understand his right to have an opinion but does he always have to say something to me. I told him that he is my partner and I feel he should be supporting me not criticizing me... 

Each time the two of you do this, you're demonstrating that "I" is more important than "we." You're proving to each other that your relationship isn't as important as your individual wants and desires. While you should not surrender valid needs for a relationship, you two aren't willing to surrender the small stuff, even! Smoking a cigarette, driving right now or five minutes from now, or going fishing are ALL examples of personal wants - not the kinds of NEEDS that you should not sacrifice on. 

*I agree that we are not working as a "we"... and that the smoking, driving now are personal wants. *

This led to a long argument in the street... delaying our take off even longer.. 

Probably because none of this is about a cigarette. It's ALL about control and feeling like you don't have enough influence on each other. Can pretty much guarantee he has the same resentments building as you do, even if he doesn't express it the same way.

*
I can see some accuracy in this, for me I think it comes from just simply wanting to have some control over myself, being allowed to make my own decision is. yes I agree about he resentment.*

I admit I didn't handle this very well. I wish I could have ignored him and just walked away 

Or you could have gone for door number 3: Responded with love and support. 

*Valid point. *

but the build up of feeling personally attacked by him on so many occasions made me explode in anger... Then of course according to him, I am irrational and should pick my battles more wisely according to him.. 

Well, he's right. You should choose your battles wisely, and this wasn't worth the damage to your relationship. You say here that your built-up feelings "made" you explode in anger. YOU decide what to think and feel - not him. If you think, "He's criticizing me" it will generate anger. If you think, "He's feeling neglected" you may have a different response. 
*
some valid points*

Really? I didn't start this argument! He hurts my feelings... 

You both were pretty invested in it. He used a rude approach to what seems to me a reasonable request, and you responded by turning it into a personal attack of him - that he is unsupportive. 

*I agree we were both invested in it. I agree he was rude in his approach and I wasn't plesent in my response. I also understand that its your opinion is that his request was reasonable, however I don't. Again, if I had pulled over took care of the kids then went in someplace to pee, would I get a different response? would that still be a reasonable request.. 

I don't feel I turned this into a personal attack on him, I felt the need to simply defend my own actions and decisions. I am just wanting him to be NICE to me... *

Is there a reason you seek to find a win/lose here instead of a win-win? Making him less worthy as a man won't make you more worthy as a woman and vice versa. Blame will NEVER solve your problems, so stop blaming and stop accepting blame. 

*I don't think its about winning or losing. More like meeting in the middle. However I am not sure how exactly I could have accomplished that. Suggestions would be great.

By me smoking and inconveniencing him and me agreeing to put out the smoke because that's what he wanted isn't a win/win for both of us. One of us isn't getting what they want. Not sure where the middle ground is on that. *


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

On the smoking, you do realize that the behavior your kids see you doing now , they will very likely emulate too.

So do you want your littlest ones lighting up ? Do you want your baby, who right now is pure deciding when she's older that they will do it too. 

And all your words about them not doing it mean nothing if you yourself do it.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Sorry Torani I'm familiar with your situation and sympathize and understand difficulty you have had in your relationship. But I have to side with your SO on this one. You could easily have put the cigarette out when he was done. From that point both of you mishandled things.
> 
> P.s. How's the baby? Being a handful or one of those rare ones that's happy as long as they're dry and fed?


Yeah. 

The baby, she is doing great and lucky for me she is just a super good baby. I am enjoying her so much!


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> My husband never let me smoke.
> 
> *I just want to be allowed to make my own decision on this. *
> 
> It is a nasty, smelly, habit especially is the spouse doesn't smoke. Your husband seems like a nice guy. Get nicotine patches, and get it in your head that cigarettes are dirty, smelly, they age you, and are bad for your kids. Hate them as if they were your worst enemy, and then get busy with something else.


Yes I understand smoking isn't the most plesant smelling, many folks find it nasty and etc. I also know how unhealthy it is, the influence it has on my kids, their risk in smoking later to etc.. I also understand my partner doesn't smoke so I understand his distaste for it. I have been working on quitting but I don't think this topic is relative to my reason for posting. 

You say you think my guy is a nice person.. is that because he doesn't smoke? your suggestion is for me to quit smoking?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

2 babies & a teen on a road trip is very stressful.

I am very patient & would not have been bothered by your quick smoke. Most men (that I know) are impatient on road trips so I can understand your SO's reaction.

I would have put out my smoke if it bothered him & ignored his outburst for the greater good of the family.

Mind you, I am only responding to this one incident. I don't know anything about your relationship.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

I am just kinda getting the impression that this is more about whether or not I should smoke. I don't think my relationship problems will be resolved by me not smoking.

I don't like feeling judged because im a smoker..


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Seems to me it didn't matter whether you smoked, ate a sandwich or tied your shoes.... a fight was in the offing. One of those fights just to fight.

Let it go. No one is right or wrong.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

torani said:


> *
> I don't agree that a parent taking time to do any personal activity of their own is teaching their children that personal fun comes before anyone in the family. Including the fishing. Now if I, we had neglected our kids all day, maybe.. If I let them sit in the car and just cry until I was done smoking, then yeah maybe. However I spent all day with my children including lots of fun activities for them and the family spending time together. I think my kids will remember the great day they had. In the car I tended to them immediately, they were not uncomfortable for long.*
> 
> *Agreed. Sorry. *
> ...


I've deleted a lot of the text here because the post would be so long otherwise, but both your first post and your response here reveal an attitude toward the problem that I would find hard to work with. I'm not criticizing, because I understand it and used to have the same way of thinking. 

I discovered through a series of failed relationships that this was a belief system that just does not work for making a marriage last and be happy. 

I am not going to harp on it or argue with you. You have a right to your beliefs. They're quite logical, but they're also wrong for making relationships work. They're well-suited for protecting yourself from people who might harm you, though.

I hope you'll step outside of your own beliefs and re-read my original response and ask yourself, "What IF I responded with love first, and with self-interest after?" Although you don't believe you're turning things into attacks, and you say you just want him to be "nice" to you, the bottom line is that he HEARS attacks (just like you do) when neither of you means them, and you both THINK you're being nice enough, when neither of you is acting in a loving way.

If your answer is that you'd feel too vulnerable or that he would hurt you, then maybe your relationship isn't going to be that supportive, loving place you'd like it to be. For sure, if you can't respond with love first and your self-interests second, it will never provide the kind of love and support he wants, either. 

Best wishes to you.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

You could always take the opinions of your partner's grandparents. They presumably know you both, care that you succeed and probably know a thing or two that is relevant?

Good luck


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

torani said:


> I just spent and hour and half earlier that day with the kids in the car waiting while he went fishing at the lake...


Curious why you did that? Why not just drop him off and agree to come back in 90 minutes. Then you can take the kids to a park, or for ice cream or whatever?

Also, it would do you well to figure out much of that argument was you two being frustrated at each other at that time, how much was just the situation (frustrated with these events that neither of you has control over) and how much was due to past actions where neither of you brought it up but now let it out.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just wondering why you waited in the car for 90 minutes while he was fishing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

Just a male perspective....

The family is all loaded and headed home. NOTE: H is mentally headed home, now, preferably with no interruptions.

Baby crys, 2 y/o crys... pull over just blocks from starting home.

He was civil in helping to get everyone settled and he was ready to head home, NOW...preferably with no interruptions.

and you decide to have a cigarette and make everyone wait for you. We hate waiting. It seems selfish to us that you should chose this moment to delay the drive home. If you wanted to smoke before heading home that would have been while loading every thing in the car. After every thing was loaded he was headed home, NOW.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Just wondering why you waited in the car for 90 minutes while he was fishing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because my two little ones fell asleep after such a long day. We couldn't go back to the grandparents house because the family all agreed to give them some alone time after the reception... So I said I would wait with the kids as I knew my partner really wanted to fish for a while.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

You smoke everyday.

He goes fishing everyday or every week or once every few months....?


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

im_tam said:


> You smoke everyday.
> 
> He goes fishing everyday or every week or once every few months....?


Yes I do smoke every day.. however I rarely smoke around my partner. Its very rare that I have. He has never had to wait on me to smoke until this last weekend.

I would have smoked as I was loading the car but I knew my partner wouldn't want me to smoke in front of his grandparents, so I chose not to smoke right then.

He rarely goes fishing. maybe once a year when we go to the lake with his grandparents.. He has other passions and hobbies that he is more interested in and is very active in... If he wanted to fish more I wouldn't have an objection to that.


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