# what to do?



## hurting_in_va (Oct 9, 2011)

I found out my wife had cheated on me with a co-worker. We are trying to work through this and get back to a better place but its very difficult for me. How I found out was by going through her phone and probably read alot more than I should have. Here is one main issue I have, my wife has never really been outgoing sexually so to speak. The stuff I read hell she was more than outgoing for him! now trying to work through this its like sex has to be scheduled for us and it bothers me hell she gave him a bj in a parking lot after lunch one day. Last night i wanted to be intimate and she was tired and said in the morning we will and im sitting there thiinking WTF. It really messes with my head.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I went through similar emotions with my wife's affair. She was much more sexually open with the OM than she had been with me. I am very open and she has always been somewhat shy.

When we reconciled, the love came back, but her passion and "openness" didn't. After many, many discussions about this, we had a blowout and I basically told her that if I couldn't get the same attention and passion that I was showing her, I was done. I told her, *"I have been busting my ass after 30 years together to get the kind of passion, sexual attention, and adventurous attitude from you that he got in a month." What did he do in one month that I have not been able to do in 30 years?"*

It turned her around. She is now more aggressive, more inclined to initiate, and more adventurous than she ever was.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you going throughh counseling, or trying to work through it on your own?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I agree with Dan F. Even after cheating, they try to make a play to keep control and return to the status quo before cheating with the OM. Listen to Dan F. If she is not prepared to do above and beyond what she did for him, I would simply not accept this. I would tell her if you can't muster the passion or desire to restore what YOU destroyed, then hit the road. I am going to find the woman that wants what I have to offer. I will wager it has the same effect on your wife. She feels that she should be able to maintain you with no more effort then she put in before. Wrong.


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## hurting_in_va (Oct 9, 2011)

She is very atrractive and outgoing too friendly as I have told her which can lead to this exact situation. Being that this is a co-worker its hard for me to believe her when she says they do not talk anymore. Theres so many things that run through my head. Its hard to not over think things and read into things.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

As DanF indicated, I think you have to let her know that the status quo will no longer be tolerated. That includes you being able to own the consequences, or being unwilling to settle, even up to a relationship ending ultimatum. Its very likely that she is convinced that there are no consequences for cheating or maintaining the status quo. The fact that she claims to have ended it suggests that divorce is the last thing she wants. Is the coworker married? Have you contacted the coworker's spouse, if so? The two of you should be working together to keep them apart.


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## hurting_in_va (Oct 9, 2011)

The other part of me says if this is what it takes to get a blow job from her F it I dont want it does that make any sense? I got so many things running in my head just gotta sort it all out I guess


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I am a woman and agree with you all.....I am not the offender...our sex life dwindled due to my H infidelity with porn and lack of emotional attention....see when a woman feels that her man listens to her and is attentive to her emotionally then we woman (I am speaking for myself) want to please our man...guilt doesn't work...although she is the one who strayed...I do agree that she should be more attentive to you...but have you ever thought that it may still be going on with her and the co worker....If I were you I would demand that she change jobs.....I would not put up with my H working at the same place as the OW....NO WAY....


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

hurting_in_va said:


> The other part of me says if this is what it takes to get a blow job from her F it I dont want it does that make any sense? I got so many things running in my head just gotta sort it all out I guess


...makes absolute sense. Thanks for expressing your feelings regarding the situation...I didn't want to think I was the only one out there with feelings like that.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the OM is married or has a girlfriend I do hope that you exposed it to them. If you did not then you are sending a message that it was fine to have sex with your wife. In addition, you both need to be checked for STD's.

What have been the consequences to her affair? If she knew that you would have divorced it immediately if she cheated do you think she would have cheated on you? If the roles had been reversed do you think she would have been as accepting as you have been?

The fact that she is still working with her lover is very bad for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She needs to have no contact with the OM, none at all or the affair chemicals and high continue to be fed and the affair continues in hear head.

She needs to find a new job. Yeah it's hard and it jeans giving up what she has no, but that is a consequence of cheating.

She also must put as much effort into your sex life as she did with the OM. If she says she cant or she doesn't, then show her the door because she is playing you, basically she is saying she will stay with you for security, but she won't put the emotional and sexual effort into the relationship. She is telling you the OM was and is more important for her. If that is what her actions show, then kick her cheating butt out into the street.

Never ever accept any excuse or not being the most important person in her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One other thing, how do you know it ended. First rule about cheaters is they lie, and lie very very well. Never accept the word of a cheater, you will get burned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> She needs to have no contact with the OM, none at all or the affair chemicals and high continue to be fed and the affair continues in hear head.
> 
> She needs to find a new job. Yeah it's hard and it jeans giving up what she has no, but that is a consequence of cheating.
> 
> ...


Yes, agreed.

If she does not give you top billing now, then it's time for her to go. 

You, hurting_in_va, did not give us much detail about what happen after exposure, what her reaction and comments were, etc. Maybe she's not very remorseful and is still playing you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Continue to tell your wife this is difficult, make it clear that *she* needs to work on helping you heal from her affair. 

Yes, *we* need to work through the marriage, but again *she* needs to work on helping you heal. See the difference?

I have a sence that the both of you are sweeping her adulterous behavior under the carpet, it seems she isn't willing to do the heavy lifting, intimacy beeing one of the "lifts" that she needs to take. What if any other things is your W doing to help you heal?

Its clear, sex is not one of them, so please tell us there are other things she is doing to help *you* make an effort to work through this marriage.

On a personal note, I would not be with my wife if she still worked with her AP (affair partner). It would suck to have to go back to eating mac an cheese and giving up cable, but my W quiting her job would be cheaper then a divorce!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Most cheating wives have affairs not because they are sexually starved in their marriages. Women know that we men desire sex in order to stay in a committed relationship. *Sex is the currency* unfaithful wives use to keep the OM around. Given a choice, a great many of these women would choose not to have sex with their OM. This may be of little comfort to you but it is the truth.


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