# After three years, when I'm ready to leave, he swears he will change....



## Taldrich (Oct 17, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. The first year was pretty much like when we were dating , we had fun, we got along, we both made an effort. After about a year things started to go downhill. My husband stopped trying. He didn't pick up after himself, he refused to go to my family gatherings, he was mean and hurtful more than he was nice. He bad mouthed my family and friends, and made me feel crazy for being upset about it. Our sex life was minimal, once a month maybe, we had no connection anymore. I literally became his live in maid, doing his laundry, dishes, making all his meals. Sure, there were good days but the bad outweighed them by a lot. I have never believed in divorce so it took me three years to finally have enough of our one sided relationship. When I told him I was leaving, he promised he would change, and I have to give him credit he has been trying hard. But I am having such a hard time believing that it will stick, or even feeling any sort of emotion for him what so ever. I am really not sure what to do or where to go.... He really is a great guy and one of my best friends but I have no clue what to do.... How do I go about making my marriage work? I've tried letting go of the past but it's hard... I don't even know if it is worth fighting for.... I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I suppose mainly advice? Any suggestions would be helpful. I'm kind of at a loss


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Get yourselves to into counseling. Sometimes / often it takes a kick in the butt to wake things up and moving in a a positive direction. You are right to be fearful of this change not lasting and without outside help and getting to the root of things it probably won't so do the work in therapy! Something must have changed or your husband had been withholding certain feelings / issues he had had all along that weren't communicated or heard for him to make such a turn about. Sometimes a partner just gets lazy, complacent and takes things for granted. Whatever the cause it needs to be addressed.


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## jmiller2020 (Sep 3, 2013)

Sometimes partners need that cold dunk in the tank before they realize what's really at stake. 

Counseling would be my first stop. Give a good try on your side even though you're sick of carrying the relationship.

Commit to like 6 months of therapy. That will give you enough time to see if his changes are long term or simply an act to get you to stay.

If after 6 months little has changed or maybe he has changed but his change and your needs don't match up on the same level. Then you can continue you on your path.

It's so sad for it to come to you telling him you are leaving. And no it shouldn't be like that. He should know who he has and treasure you. With that said this is not an uncommon occurance with couples. 

In fact, our "god father" for couples counseling John Gottman says that couples struggle in their marriage for 6 years before coming in for counseling. So when you think of it in those terms you two are ahead of the game!

Best of luck and truly rooting for you both!
Peace.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date him before you married him?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Taldrich said:


> My husband and I have been married for 4 years. The first year was pretty much like when we were dating , we had fun, we got along, we both made an effort. After about a year things started to go downhill. My husband stopped trying. He didn't pick up after himself, he refused to go to my family gatherings, he was mean and hurtful more than he was nice. He bad mouthed my family and friends, and made me feel crazy for being upset about it. Our sex life was minimal, once a month maybe, we had no connection anymore. I literally became his live in maid, doing his laundry, dishes, making all his meals. Sure, there were good days but the bad outweighed them by a lot. I have never believed in divorce so it took me three years to finally have enough of our one sided relationship. When I told him I was leaving, he promised he would change, and I have to give him credit he has been trying hard. But I am having such a hard time believing that it will stick, or even feeling any sort of emotion for him what so ever. I am really not sure what to do or where to go.... He really is a great guy and one of my best friends but I have no clue what to do.... How do I go about making my marriage work? I've tried letting go of the past but it's hard... I don't even know if it is worth fighting for.... I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I suppose mainly advice? Any suggestions would be helpful. I'm kind of at a loss




Sounds like he baited and switched you. Meaning, he was great when dating and the 1st year of marriage and then his true self came out. Selfish, and in it more for himself.

Doing all errands and chores should be 50 / 50, helping each other without being asked.

It shouldn't take him 3 years to try and make an effort to save your marriage.

He isn't making the effort and only now says he wants to because you are thinking divorce.

You deserve much better than this guy and he took you for granted.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go ahead and separate. Let him 'date' you again. If he doesn't put in the effort - for at LEAST two years - you were just there for his convenience, not because he loves you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A good marriage is a lot of work for TWO. Talk to him about what you need from him.

Here's the key. He needs to understand this is permanent. Not a few weeks and back to the same senario.

You aren't a slave. Give it a period of time and if it doesn't work file and move on.

He needs to understand your intentions. It's your life too!!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My IC told me that, because I had ended up being the person who did 95% of ALL the work around the house and was having severe stress issues because of it, I had to ask my H to be responsible for ONE chore around the house. Just one. Anything. She said it was psychologically important to me to know that he WOULD take care of one thing.

Well guess what? I asked him. He refused. Said his schedule was so crazy he could never know when he'd be home to take care of anything. I was stunned. Not even one thing!

So I went home from that dinner, and I stewed, and thought, and stewed some more. And then I decided to stop doing his laundry. It was the ONE chore that least affected ME. So weeks go by, and he finally runs out of clean clothes, and he starts b*tching at me. How dare I not clean his clothes?!

I just shrugged and said 'remember me asking you to take on ONE chore? Just one?'

He did not remember.

I said 'well, I remember. I remember that you refused to help me carry the whole load of the house. So I decided that, per my IC's instructions, I had to find SOMEthing to take off my plate so I wouldn't go crazy. I chose your laundry. Seems like a fair decision to me.'

That same day, he got off the couch and actually took care of a couple things that needed done (stuff I couldn't do myself). So I did one load of laundry for him. And then he did some more. So I did another load. And so on.

He's not going to GIVE you this. You have to take it for yourself and show him that you deserve to be respected.


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## Taldrich (Oct 17, 2015)

We dated just shy of 2 years before we got married. Back then I waitresses so while he was working I would tidy the house and do a few chores, then when I was gone he would do the rest of the chores and make himself dinner, etc. 

Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice I truly appreciate it


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He won't.


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## Coachme (Sep 9, 2015)

It sounds like it’s been tough; you have seen the best and worst of each other, which is what marriage is about. But through this, I can’t help but notice that you both love each other and want to stay together, but in a happier and more fulfilling way than you are experiencing now. Often when we feel like we have been trying hard, we are giving our partner something that we would like or would respect, but not something that our partner really wants or needs. 
It sounds like you want the relationship you once had, you want to feel desired and acknowledged by your husband, you want his attention and you want more intimacy with him. Instead of seeing yourself as his maid, you could see yourself in a different role. Forget the chores etc for a week and focus on the emotions you want to feel with your husband and make it your role to create experiences where these emotions will flow. What experiences in the past brought you passion and excitement? What could you do on a daily basis to feel these emotions with your husband? Be creative. Examples could include flashing him at the dinner table, blind folding him and have him taste different foods or desserts and guess what they are or give him a massage.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Coachme said:


> Forget the chores etc for a week and focus on the emotions you want to feel with your husband and make it your role to create experiences where these emotions will flow. What experiences in the past brought you passion and excitement? What could you do on a daily basis to feel these emotions with your husband? Be creative. Examples could include flashing him at the dinner table, blind folding him and have him taste different foods or desserts and guess what they are or give him a massage.


What? If she quits doing the chores for a week, since she's the only one doing them, her house will be a pit, and she won't be happy about it. Then she'll have twice as much to do the next week...alone.

And she should take on more work by trying to rekindle the passion and excitement?

Your ideas are great for a marriage that is going well, but IMO it would be a set-up for more disappointment for OP.

Her husband is the one who has become lazy. The OP doesn't need to take on more herself.

Tladrich, I'd suggest counseling as others have. Combine that with only doing the chores that really matter to you. Let him do the rest, if he even notices. Turnera's idea about not doing his laundry is a good one.

Your husband knows how to be a husband, he did it for a year. Either he has just gotten lazy or there is something else going on. Has he changed in other ways?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If he doesn't do his own work in counseling, and change, you should seriously consider D. Once you have children, if he doesn't change, it will harder to emotionally and financially to D.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Coachme said:


> Forget the chores etc for a week and focus on the emotions you want to feel with your husband and make it your role to create experiences where these emotions will flow. What experiences in the past brought you passion and excitement? What could you do on a daily basis to feel these emotions with your husband? Be creative. Examples could include flashing him at the dinner table, blind folding him and have him taste different foods or desserts and guess what they are or give him a massage.


Coachme, I understand what you're getting at. Men scratch their heads after a few years of marriage and wonder why their woman isn't jumping his bones every day like when they were dating. He retreats. He feels like he got a raw deal - no more daily sex. So if woman would just go back to that sex kitten, theoretically, he'd jump back up to the table and start being everything she wants. Doing everything she needs done. Sharing 50/50 in all the work.

But tens of thousands of years of history don't bare that out. Men expect women to take care of them. Period. So even if a guy SAYS he's going to be 50/50 in a marriage and make her happy, HIS happy is having lots of sex. And having fun. And being admired for his accomplishments. Because that's what matters to HIM. But often, the man fails to remember - or even know in the first place - that women's needs are usually NOT about having sex or having fun or being admired. To women, needs are usually about financial and domestic security, about conversation, and about honesty. To women, sex is what you do once you are happy. Not what you do to GET happy. 

So the OP can do what you say. But if she does it without bringing in the OTHER part of the equation and making sure he understands that if SHE doesn't get HER needs met, she won't - can't - continue to give him sex, massages, sex, fun, sex. Because he will happily accept all the sex and massages...and stay exactly where he is in terms of meeting her needs.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> So the OP can do what you say. But if she does it without bringing in the OTHER part of the equation and making sure he understands that if SHE doesn't get HER needs met, she won't - can't - continue to give him sex, massages, sex, fun, sex. Because he will happily accept all the sex and massages...and stay exactly where he is in terms of meeting her needs.


Coachme, Turnera said it better than I.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I would give him a chance. Sure, his behavior has been bad, but he is backing up his words with actions, and if properly encouraged, this could be the start of genuine change. Don't give up.

You may be already, but you need to be sure he understands what your needs are, and what exactly you would like to change. When he does something right, reward him. Make this change positive for him. Let him know how well he is doing, if he is indeed making steps forward.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would give it some time. If he can't make this a permanent change it won't last long, probably just another couple month. you have 6 years invested in the guy so 3 months to see if he can change seems reasonable. 

That said you have to make the good faith effort as well. You can't plot your exit and wait on the sideline for the smallest slip to proclaim "HA I knew it we are done". Judge him on the effort he is making to improve and last. slip ups will occur along the way I'm sure.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're going to stay, do it ONLY if he goes to a therapist with you.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I have learned that people dont change


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