# Can't go on, but I feel like a horrid person...



## Jacuzzi63 (Jan 15, 2013)

After 23 years of marriage, the last 8 of which I've felt trapped in one of the circles of hell, I've asked my hubby to leave. 

He has severe chronic illnesses - however, he refused for years to take it seriously or take any responsibility for his medical self-care. He went for two years not taking his meds AT ALL. Now it's deteriorated to the point where he's been hospitalized 4 times in the past year, the longest for 9 weeks. He promises to change (like an alcoholic) then goes back to the same behaviour - slacking off in his self-care, not testing his blood sugars, not taking meds. Another crisis comes up, another hospitalization. 

In addition to dealing with his issues, we have two marvelous kids with learning disabilities, ADD and emotional issues (due to stress). 

I've had to deal with EVERYTHING - all the finances, housework, working full time + part time to make ends meet, child care, finding extra help for the kids, etc. He wouldn't even do any house/yard work when he was healthy enough to do so without my begging/pleading/threatening. All intimacy between us ended years ago. 

All the stress has caused me to have heart issues and depression of my own. In 2009 I tried to kill myself after losing my job. Then last November 2012 I had a heart attack. The day after I was released from hospital, he called to say he was being released, and could I come get him... I saw a cliff open up ahead of me... this was going to end only with him dying, me dying (suicide) or me ending the marriage. It was at that moment that any love I had for him just DIED. 

His family, who lives out of country, is stunned by my decision, and making me feel like I've abandoned him. Yet friends and family here are supporting me. 

It's like living with a psychologically abusive alcoholic. Am I wrong to want out?


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

I can only imagine how hard and stressful that has been on you. 

You should not be worried about your decision because you deserve to be happy and based on your three choices, the divorce is the less devastating and damaging. 

I am assuming you have broken the news to your husband? How is he reacting to this?


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## Jacuzzi63 (Jan 15, 2013)

How did my husband react? Very shocked at first, but now he seems resigned to it. 
He's actually accepted some responsibility, that he's failed me and the kids by acting the way he has (Alleluia! Finally!). 

He's decided to return to his home country - which is thousands of miles and a day's travel away - no consideration for the impact that will have on the kids, not seeing their dad anymore. Just another example of his selfish self-centeredness. 

He still claims he loves me - I think that's why I'm so confused and upset about this. I mean really, is it love to constantly force your body into crisis so your loved ones go through hell each time you're hospitalized? 

And yeah, Zanne - I guess there's a part of me that believes I don't deserve any happiness at all... almost like it's bad karma following me from another life...


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

It is unfortunate that it took something so drastic for him to wake up and realize what was going on but I am glad that he is starting to accept some of the responsibility. 

No, he definitely needs to get his health under control because it should not take him getting sick for you to be there for him and he definitely should not expect you to do that and take you for granted.

Even though he has gone back to his other country and left you and the kids, maybe the time apart will be a good thing?


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