# He said I'm not a team player...



## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

My H and I have been together 3 years (married almost 1) and he says that I'm not a team player when it comes to our relationship. He says I don't act is if I have his back though he has mine. I admit that I am a very independent minded person but I don't believe that I'm always at fault yet, I want to be more of team player. How can I change my attitude to work for the best of our marriage? What does a successful relationship look like in terms of a trusting partnership? Does it mean trusting your SO's judgment even when you think it is a bad idea but it sometimes ends up being a good plan? Is doubt a form of combativeness?


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## Fee_ (Jan 26, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> My H and I have been together 3 years (married almost 1) and he says that I'm not a team player when it comes to our relationship. He says I don't act is if I have his back though he has mine. I admit that I am a very independent minded person but I don't believe that I'm always at fault yet, I want to be more of team player. How can I change my attitude to work for the best of our marriage? What does a successful relationship look like in terms of a trusting partnership? Does it mean trusting your SO's judgment even when you think it is a bad idea but it sometimes ends up being a good plan? Is doubt a form of combativeness?


Can you give any specific examples as to what he's referring to? Then we may be able to gauge whether his expectations of you are reasonable or not...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Marriage is no fun when you're always at odds with your wife. If you're always right, and he's always wrong. Marriage is much better if you feel like your wife supports you.



NativeSun09 said:


> Does it mean trusting your SO's judgment even when you think it is a bad idea but it sometimes ends up being a good plan?


The very fact that you asked this question tells me that you don't have his back. The answer is that you shouldn't think it's a bad idea. Once in a great while, fine. But the vast majority of the time you should be thinking he's got the right idea. And he should think the same of you.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

One example from early on in our relationship was that I was very involved in my music (I'm a musician) and I would not change a certain practice time (it really wasn't a big deal, I just enjoyed jamming with the band) when I knew he would be driving 70 miles to come spend time with me on his days off. For some reason, I was stubborn and put my old band first before him when I could practice any other time. I realize that it was wrong. I should have seen the sacrifice he was making to come see me after work (he works in the oil field). I felt terrible for that and still do even though it's in the past. We worked that out in pre marital counseling but that's an example of my selfishness, I guess. My main concern is he says that I question everything he asks of me (anything around the house, etc)
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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I don't think doubt is a form of combativeness unless it's reflexive. That is, do you always doubt your spouse? Do you always challenge his decisions? Do you always prefer your decisions... because they are yours? That's the same thing as being unsupportive in my book. But occasional doubt accompanied by sensible reasons is okay... as long as the reasons aren't arbitrary. 

Examples would really help here.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

His motto is "I'm not always right but I'm never wrong". I know that I am wrong sometimes and I own up to it. Another example, is when we were at the store and on the way out he wanted me to grab some newspapers with the coupons in them; I hesitated because I believed (and still do) that you have to pay for them. I did as he requested but I asked him if he was sure that they were free (he thinks they were). Not anything to divorce over but he in the car he asked why I always question him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Marriage is no fun when you're always at odds with your wife. If you're always right, and he's always wrong. Marriage is much better if you feel like your wife supports you.
> 
> 
> 
> The very fact that you asked this question tells me that you don't have his back. The answer is that you shouldn't think it's a bad idea. Once in a great while, fine. But the vast majority of the time you should be thinking he's got the right idea. And he should think the same of you.


I agree. I am not always doubting or questioning him but sometimes I do. What I am wanting is advice on how to change my attitude to being the supportive spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> One example from early on in our relationship was that I was very involved in my music (I'm a musician) and I would not change a certain practice time (it really wasn't a big deal, I just enjoyed jamming with the band) when I knew he would be driving 70 miles to come spend time with me on his days off. For some reason, I was stubborn and put my old band first before him when I could practice any other time. I realize that it was wrong. I should have seen the sacrifice he was making to come see me after work (he works in the oil field). I felt terrible for that and still do even though it's in the past. We worked that out in preparation marital counseling but that's an example of my selfishness, I guess. My main concern is he says that I question everything he asks of me (anything around the house, etc)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The phrase that stands out here is "for some reason I was stubborn." What was that reason? It's important to know because it is still shaping your behavior. You really ought to find out because it seems that it has prevented you from seeing that selfishness/defiance is very disrespectful to your spouse.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> The phrase that stands out here is "for some reason I was stubborn." What was that reason? It's important to know because it is still shaping your behavior. You really ought to find out because it seems that it has prevented you from seeing that selfishness/defiance is very disrespectful to your spouse.


I suppose that I just wanted what I wanted. I was just being selfish. I was making him wait because I felt that I could without regard to his time, our time, and our relationship. That is the reason. I was too used to independence and looking out for myself. Premarital and individual counseling has helped me overcome this but I have this issue with questioning his decisions. I make time for us and our marriage but I sometimes doubt or question him.
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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

So what I'm asking is how do I change my mind set to becoming more supportive and less combative? The newspaper incident is a trivial issue but I don't want things like this to continue to cause division. 
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## Fee_ (Jan 26, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> His motto is "I'm not always right but I'm never wrong". I know that I am wrong sometimes and I own up to it. Another example, is when we were at the store and on the way out he wanted me to grab some newspapers with the coupons in them; I hesitated because I believed (and still do) that you have to pay for them. I did as he requested but I asked him if he was sure that they were free (he thinks they were). Not anything to divorce over but he in the car he asked why I always question him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmm, this sounds a bit controlling to me. My ex (read: EX) would always accuse me of being selfish and not doing enough to please him. He would correct me about every little thing like why I cleaned the sand of my shoes a certain way, why ran across the road when the going was clear (that time he actually held on to my wrist to keep me walking with him), why I took a bottle of water with me when he thought I didn't need it. It was like I was constantly trying to keep up with his version of events and if I didnt I was failing as a partner. I would apologise all the time and he never would. I don't know if you're feeling at all like this, but your posts reminded me of that relationship. For me a healthy relationship means that there's room for compromise and different viewpoints, not a "my way or the highway" scenario, but each to their own...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> His motto is "I'm not always right but I'm never wrong". I know that I am wrong sometimes and I own up to it. Another example, is when we were at the store and on the way out he wanted me to grab some newspapers with the coupons in them; I hesitated because I believed (and still do) that you have to pay for them. I did as he requested but I asked him if he was sure that they were free (he thinks they were). Not anything to divorce over but he in the car he asked why I always question him.


I'm confused, were the papers free or not?

Did you get the papers or just not get them?

Where they news papers or store ad/coupon papers?

It's no clear that you were wrong in asking him if he was sure that they were free. It's not necessarily a challenge of him, but instead you seeking information.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Fee_ said:


> Hmm, this sounds a bit controlling to me. My ex (read: EX) would always accuse me of being selfish and not doing enough to please him. He would correct me about every little thing like why I cleaned the sand of my shoes a certain way, why ran across the road when the going was clear (that time he actually held on to my wrist to keep me walking with him), why I took a bottle of water with me when he thought I didn't need it. It was like I was constantly trying to keep up with his version of events and if I didnt I was failing as a partner. I would apologise all the time and he never would. I don't know if you're feeling at all like this, but your posts reminded me of that relationship. For me a healthy relationship means that there's room for compromise and different viewpoints, not a "my way or the highway" scenario, but each to their own...


I do agree that it could be considered controlling. However, though that is his motto, ironically he often does admit to being wrong. It's more of a "have I ever steered you wrong" kind of saying. I get the gist of his point. He wants me to trust him. So far, he hasn't done anything to make me not trust him. But he thinks I don't trust him when I question some of his decisions.
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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm confused, were the papers free or not?
> 
> Did you get the papers or just not get them?
> 
> ...


The newspapers were not free. Only $2 each (found that out later) but still. Not a huge deal just I think confusion on his part and a misunderstanding of my hesitancy as a challenge to him. But when he later said, that I challenge him often, it made me think, "am I really not a team player?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fee_ (Jan 26, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> The newspapers were not free. Only $2 each (found that out later) but still. Not a huge deal just I think confusion on his part and a misunderstanding of my hesitancy as a challenge to him. But when he later said, that I challenge him often, it made me think, "am I really not a team player?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To dust off an old chestnut... there is no 'I' in 'Team'. Seems he is only interested in making sure his team is winning.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Fee, that's what I was thinking. But i still want him to feel like I have his back. He was wrong on that one thing but he often has good ideas and even with the good ideas, he thinks I challenge him. I don't want to make him feel like I can't trust him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fee_ (Jan 26, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> Fee, that's what I was thinking. But i still want him to feel like I have his back. He was wrong on that one thing but he often has good ideas and even with the good ideas, he thinks I challenge him. I don't want to make him feel like I can't trust him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can he accept that you have good ideas too? Why is it a challenge - why not just a conversation? If you are butting heads all the time, my advice would be to pick your battles. I have learned that from past relationships - sometimes a "yes dear" will do in place of an escalation. I guess the real test of how controlling he is will be how many times a day you have to perform this little skit. If his whole day revolves around teaching you his wise and grand ways and ends with you becoming nothing more than an placated and acquiescent shell of your former self then something is wrong. But if you can let him have his little victories without compromising your integrity in the process then go ahead and soothe his ego once in a while, making sure yours gets love an attention too.

Not saying he is abusive AT ALL, but you may want to brush up and be knowledgeable in any case: 

Toxic Men and Toxic Relationships


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm always right and it almost ruined my marriage. I'm still always right but I've learned to shut up and let him live his life the way he sees fit. He's a grown man perfectly capable of navigating this world without me. I realize now its pretty arrogant of me to think I'm the boss of him. 

He still makes mistakes but they are his mistakes not mine.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Thanks, Fee. I will check that link out. I think this may truly be a case of letting him have a small victory every once in awhile. I am still myself, just less selfish. My good ideas are often praised in our household so I don't think he's trying to be the only voice. He often talks about teamwork and each of us working together for the best of the relationship. I was just wondering if the "yes, dear" attitude is the way to go sometimes.
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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I'm always right and it almost ruined my marriage. I'm still always right but I've learned to shut up and let him live his life the way he sees fit. He's a grown man perfectly capable of navigating this world without me. I realize now its pretty arrogant of me to think I'm the boss of him.
> 
> He still makes mistakes but they are his mistakes not mine.


Interesting input, Mavash. Thanks for chiming in.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Add me to the yes dear camp. I pick my battles these days and we are both happier.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Add me to the yes dear camp. I pick my battles these days and we are both happier.


I guess I need to pick my battles as well and see where it goes and if it helps any. I don't want to placate and be miserable but I do want to show him that I do care about his opinions/decisions even when they are sometimes wrong.
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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I will tell you a little thing about me... I read a LOT.. and I absorb stuff like a sponge. I am a walking, talking piece of info... for some reason I really absorb totally stupid things.

Like you I would have known right away that the newspaper isn't free, or I could tell someone nope you are wrong about (totally insignificant factoid that no one ever would consider knowing about)

I understand what Fee was trying to say, because I was in a relationship like that, it was done to be controlling... not just to blurt something out. And it was HORRIBLE.

I think you are like me a bit where you just know something and bring it up.. without realizing it. Do you do this in other areas of your life?

I know I either have friends who admire my means of storing info, or people think I'm a know it all B***h.

I say pick your fights and words/helpfulness.. only say something if it's IMPORTANT enough to have a debate about. If he's wrong sometimes who cares?

BTW I don't think the band and newspaper are the same thing. The newspaper is kind of knowing a fact and telling him. The band is not realizing/having empathy - I'm happy you solved that.

Let him take the lead in things, make him in charge of certain things and if he doesn't do it perfectly support it anyway. Ask yourself if it's worth correcting him all the time.

It's something you can totally work on, I know I am more conscious of it now.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> I will tell you a little thing about me... I read a LOT.. and I absorb stuff like a sponge. I am a walking, talking piece of info... for some reason I really absorb totally stupid things.
> 
> Like you I would have known right away that the newspaper isn't free, or I could tell someone nope you are wrong about (totally insignificant factoid that no one ever would consider knowing about)
> 
> ...


I do consider myself a bit of a know it all. I think that is my problem, trying to correct people when they're wrong all the time. Thanks for the input. I do want to work on it.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> The newspapers were not free. Only $2 each (found that out later) but still. Not a huge deal just I think confusion on his part and a misunderstanding of my hesitancy as a challenge to him. But when he later said, that I challenge him often, it made me think, "am I really not a team player?"


So wait a minute. He told you to go get new papers believing they were free.

You, very reasonably, ask him if he was sure that they were free. And his response was that he's right, they are free.

But they were not free.. $2 each.

Why does he have a problem with you pointing out what is true?

A team player does not play along when the other person has a wrong impression what is real.

Another thing I'm wonder, why did he tell you to get the papers. If he wanted them, couldn't he get them himself? Just wondering.

Could you give us another example?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> I agree. I am not always doubting or questioning him but sometimes I do. What I am wanting is advice on how to change my attitude to being the supportive spouse.


How often do you doubt/question something he says?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fee_ said:


> To dust off an old chestnut... there is no 'I' in 'Team'. Seems he is only interested in making sure his team is winning.


IF he is wrong on something, does she have to shut up and do as he says in order to be a team player? It is a team of equals or one in which he's in charge and she had to jump at his command?


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So wait a minute. He told you to go get new papers believing they were free.
> 
> You, very reasonably, ask him if he was sure that they were free. And his response was that he's right, they are free.
> 
> ...



The problem, he told me per se wasn't that they weren't free but that I couldn't just do anything he asks of me without questioning him. He had his hands full. He later admitted to being wrong that they weren't free but his view that I'm not a team player has me wondering. Also, I do not question him on everything but often. Maybe half the time or a little more than half of the time.
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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> IF he is wrong on something, does she have to shut up and do as he says in order to be a team player? It is a team of equals or one in which he's in charge and she had to jump at his command?


This is what I'm asking. Do spouses have to sometimes let their partner be wrong on something trivial?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> I do consider myself a bit of a know it all. I think that is my problem, trying to correct people when they're wrong all the time. Thanks for the input. I do want to work on it.


How often you correct him is important. If it's once a month then his perception is off. If it's just about daily.. either he's too stupid to be married to or tone it down.

It's ok to have a discussion about things. It's ok to ask him to explain what he's thinking because you want to understand.

It's very reasonable to question him and even challenge him if he's hugely wrong and he will be causing a huge problem. Save the corrections/challenges for these times.

If you are a team, then all big things should be discussed together and the solution arrived at mutually.

How do you stop being a know it all? you stop.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How often you correct him is important. If it's once a month then his perception is off. If it's just about daily.. either he's too stupid to be married to or tone it down.
> 
> It's ok to have a discussion about things. It's ok to ask him to explain what he's thinking because you want to understand.
> 
> ...


Thanks, EleGirl. I like your answer. I just need to stop being a know it all.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> This is what I'm asking. Do spouses have to sometimes let their partner be wrong on something trivial?


Yes.

Would you like him to correct you on everything you do and say?

Pick your battle well. There should be few of them.

Let him make his own choices, his own mistakes and clean up his own mistakes. .. as long as they do cause some catastrophe like the house fall down.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yes.
> 
> Would you like him to correct you on everything you do and say?
> 
> ...


Very helpful. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NativeSun09 said:


> The problem, he told me per se wasn't that they weren't free but that I couldn't just do anything he asks of me without questioning him. He had his hands full. He later admitted to being wrong that they weren't free but his view that I'm not a team player has me wondering. Also, I do not question him on everything but often. Maybe half the time or a little more than half of the time.


I can see this. He wanted the papers, there is no reason you could not get them whether they were free or not... as long as you had the money to do it.

If you want him to know that they were not free, you could mention that later.

One thing that I would do is wonder if you two would use enough of the coupons to make spending money on newspapers for coupons was a wise way to spend money. But you could make that analysis later and then tell him if you think it's wasting money.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I can see this. He wanted the papers, there is no reason you could not get them whether they were free or not... as long as you had the money to do it.
> 
> If you want him to know that they were not free, you could mention that later.
> 
> One thing that I would do is wonder if you two would use enough of the coupons to make spending money on newspapers for coupons was a wise way to spend money. But you could make that analysis later and then tell him if you think it's wasting money.


See that's the thing. The newspaper isn't even for the coupons. It was to wrap up all of our dishes in packing boxes for the move into our new house.
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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'd speak up about something if he's wrong and it matters. I'd speak up if he asked me to steal a bunch of newspapers that cost $2 each. It's me that would be caught stealing them.

I'd speak up if he's making a wrong turn and taking us in the opposite direction of where we want to go.
I'd speak up if he's wanting to buy something that costs too much for our budget, or wants to make an investment that I believe would fail.
I'd speak up if he wanted to eat at a restaurant that I've eaten at before and it sucked.
I'd speak up if the weather forecast is for rain, there were clouds in the radar, and he wants to spend the day at the beach.

I'd speak up. I wouldn't let the "team" concept shut me up if I know he's wrong and it would save us grief if I spoke up.


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