# So lonely



## AloneInACrowd (Jun 20, 2011)

My marriage is empty at best. I spend all of my time at work or taking care of my child. My husband is a great dad, when I'm not around to do the work. He often helps around the house, too, so I know it's better than for many others. But he doesn't appreciate anything I do and just doesn't care how I feel. I tried to get us to counseling; we went to our HMO's 'intro to MC' class but never followed through. I told him over a month ago that I needed him to decide how to proceed with counseling- whether individual or a communication class- and make the arrangements. He hasn't. 

I can't force him b/c it won't do any good. I just don't want to have to keep doing all the work. So we mostly don't talk any more. There's absolutely no intimacy in our relationship, and I'm really not interested in any of the physical sort before I stop feeling like crap all the time (he'd be happy to have sex whether we're on speaking terms or not, but I just can't see him as a lover right now). 

I work full time- I am actually the breadwinner in the family. I'm so tired I can't function, and he doesn't care. He doesn't care that I'm hurting, only that he feels hurt or threatened that I'm hurting. He gets defensive and angry whenever I bring any of this up, or even when I tell him anything that sounds the slightest bit negative. If I'm tired, and happen to mention it (literally, the words 'I'm really tired' stated in a factual way), he gets worked up that I'm blaming him. If I'm upset about something at work, he tells me I'm complaining or just ignores me. But I have to listen to his rants about taxes going up and how we're going to be able to afford anything 20 years from now (when I stop pretending to be interested, he gets upset I'm not interested and storms out of the room).

I don't really have any friends (I spend all of my life working or parenting so the few friends I still have I don't have time to see without my child with me), nor can I talk to my family. I have only my toddler who I obviously want to keep all of this away from. But I can't do right by my child when I have to live like this. My work is good, but work is work. My toddler brings me so much joy, but is not a real companion and certainly doesn't deserve such a grown-up burden. I'm just so alone and am hoping someone can post a response an make me feel a little less so.


----------



## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi Alone, 

You are not alone. I understand your pain and my heart breaks for you. I'm going through something similar, so I totally understand your pain. 

I want to tell you the problem isn't with *you*. I don't know you at all, but I know you are a full, rich, wonderful person that your husband has been missing out on. I know this because you just eloquently expressed your pain and feelings and that takes a lot of skill. I'm sitting here thinking, "What's wrong with your husband when he can't listen to someone who can communicate this well?"

My suggestion to you is you should hire a babysitter and take time to go out with any of the friends you have left that you can. If you can't open up to them and share your woes, then maybe just a laugh or two will do you well? 

The isolation must be killing you from the inside. You're not alone. And just because you don't currently have people to talk to does not mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means you haven't made your new friends yet! ^_^


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Alone,
As you come to this forum, you will no longer be alone in a crowd, but will find yourself in good company. There are many on this website who have been through similar situations. You will even find people on here who have overcome difficulties in their marriage.

You must also make some decisions for yourself. If your husband doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, than you should go to individual counseling. Like TheAbstract said, you need to find some time where you can enjoy life. Go out on a fun date with your husband, or take up a fun hobby.

I am also wondering what time your child goes to bed? If it is too late, that can be incredibly draining as well. Toddlers should go to bed sometime between 7:00 pm and 8:30 pm. After you put your child down, then you can have more time to yourself in the evening.


----------



## AloneInACrowd (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. It does really help to write about this stuff and get it out, and helps even more to hear such supportive responses from people I've never met who care enough to say something nice. 

Brian- she's in bed by 7:30 at the latest, but the rest of the night is spent cleaning up, getting everyone's food ready for the next day, and dealing with errands- and I have to be up at 5:30 or 6am to get to work in time to pick her up from daycare at a reasonable hour. It's just exhausting, and any deviance from the routine (family visiting, going out to dinner, doctor appointment, etc) literally just subtracts from sleep. 

Thanks TheAbstract for suggesting I get out a little. I guess I needed to hear that from someone outside of my situation. I bought a groupon for a series of pilates classes, so maybe making myself take a break from my family and job to do that will help. It's just hard to feel like it's ok to leave my daughter given that I leave her so much for work- I want to do the absolutely best for her that I can; I suppose that's why I needed someone else to tell me it's a good idea.


----------



## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

Alone, 

I think it would be the *best* thing in the world for your daughter if you spent some time for yourself. Right now, it sounds to me like you are really hurt inside and tired/burnt out maybe. Your time with your daughter is limited and she deserves the best mom you can be. So, if you get a baby sitter and do something fun for *you*, then you'll be more rested and a little healed and your time with your daughter will be better. 

^_^


----------

