# Should I be worried?



## xodsxo (Jan 12, 2021)

So Ive been in my relationship for over 2 years now. In these past 2 years I've made mistakes. My last mistake resulted
in my Boyfriend not wanting to visit my family or house. his explanation is that I have to learn that my actions have consequences and he does not feel comfortable going around my family. My problem is that its been 3 months now and I feel like im being punished for my mistakes which have been forgiven. not only that but since then I've been putting work into myself and my life and the relationship to grow from all this. so is he simply becoming to comfortable with the idea that he doesn't have to come around my family? Am I allowing it to go for too long? or should I just continue to give him time? during the holidays I really wanted him to come with my family as well and he decided not to. to continue his answer "you need to learn that your actions have consequences". I told him thats what I wanted for Christmas and of course its the same answer... Should I feel upset? or am I being too pushy and need to be more understanding?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think we’d all like to hear what these “mistakes” you made were. Then we can offer an opinion on if his actions are justified.


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## xodsxo (Jan 12, 2021)

I don't want to go too into depth but for example lets say we were drinking at the beach and then we all had too much to drink. id become an angry person towards anything and pick a fight. always stupid fights but still we'd fight. Last time it turned into a show between me and a friend and he tried to intervene and it was just chaotic for no reason.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

To me, the main question is - can you live this way? Truly? Genuinely?

If he never changes his mind, is that okay with you? Are you willing to go to your family gatherings alone, with a good attitude? No gossiping. No pouting. 

Can you have peace of mind about this specific issue and carry on and never bring it up again?

If you can, then do that.

If you can't or won't, then consider ending your relationship.

He's a boyfriend - not a husband.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

xodsxo said:


> I don't want to go too into depth but for example lets say we were drinking at the beach and then we all had too much to drink. id become an angry person towards anything and pick a fight. always stupid fights but still we'd fight. Last time it turned into a show between me and a friend and he tried to intervene and it was just chaotic for no reason.


I hate to say it, but this doesn't cut it, at least as far as the implications of the OP goes. It sounds like the consequences are somehow tied to action with or by family. Unless I am missing something, there has to be a reason why not seeing your family is the consequence. We need more to go on. Remember this is an anonymous forum. We only know what you tell us. So it's not like we can out you to people you know.

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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

My opinion, you need help. Your behavior is unacceptable in a relationship, assuming you want it to be healthy.

You also need to dump him as that seems very controlling and does not bode well for the future.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Reading between the lines I’d say that you humiliated and embarrassed him in front of your friends and family and because you have “moved on” you feel he should too.
Would this be a fair assumption?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Tasorundo said:


> My opinion, you need help. Your behavior is unacceptable in a relationship, assuming you want it to be healthy.
> 
> You also need to dump him as that seems very controlling and does not bode well for the future.


I'm not so sure. Until I hear the reasoning behind it, he may or may not be in the right. If her family was being hurtful or otherwise negative about it, and she never defended him, then the appropriate consequence is occurring. If this consequence comes from never doing the dishes or laundry, then he is being an arse. But the OP has not yet provided the details needed to determine this.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

maquiscat said:


> I'm not so sure. Until I hear the reasoning behind it, he may or may not be in the right. If her family was being hurtful or otherwise negative about it, and she never defended him, then the appropriate consequence is occurring. If this consequence comes from never doing the dishes or laundry, then he is being an arse. But the OP has not yet provided the details needed to determine this.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


Meh, 3 months, and even saying "you need to learn that your actions have consequences" seems awfully controlling, or at least no a healthy thing people say to an equal.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe your embarrassing to be around in public ????


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s a boyfriend? Why would he have to be around your family?

PS
Maybe alcohol doesn’t suit you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't think we have enough information to give good advice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

xodsxo said:


> we were drinking at the beach and then we all had too much to drink. id become an angry person towards anything and pick a fight. always stupid fights but still we'd fight. Last time it turned into a show between me and a friend


Alcohol affects people differently. Some are happy drunks. Some are nasty drunks. Sounds like you fall in the second category. All I can assume from what you've posted is you made an ass of yourself in public. 

Working on improving yourself as a person is a step in the right direction. Perhaps your bf is doubting how sincere you are in making real changes. But that's just a guess on my part. Could be he just doesn't have it in him to forgive you. I'm a stranger in cyberspace who has very little information on which to base my response.

If you'd like to give us more information, it would help. Keep in mind you're anonymous, so it's not like anyone here is going to track you down. At least, as far as I know ... JMO.


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## xodsxo (Jan 12, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Reading between the lines I’d say that you humiliated and embarrassed him in front of your friends and family and because you have “moved on” you feel he should too.
> Would this be a fair assumption?


yes its exactly the situation. I keep telling myself to continue to respect him taking time. Its just how much time becomes too much where one should just walk away, if you get me. sometimes I feel like we've moved forward and our relationship now is stronger on a more intimate and personal note so why continue to "punish" when someone is trying to move and grow from something


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## xodsxo (Jan 12, 2021)

Tasorundo said:


> My opinion, you need help. Your behavior is unacceptable in a relationship, assuming you want it to be healthy.
> 
> You also need to dump him as that seems very controlling and does not bode well for the future.


Oh no its clear I need help, im in the process of seeking counseling. I struggle with my mental health. however going into the relationship he knew that. everything was laid out. I discovered drinking wasn't doing me any good when I started to go out and drink with him. im now not drinking and any time I do I stop at 1 drink.


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## xodsxo (Jan 12, 2021)

xodsxo said:


> I don't want to go too into depth but for example lets say we were drinking at the beach and then we all had too much to drink. id become an angry person towards anything and pick a fight. always stupid fights but still we'd fight. Last time it turned into a show between me and a friend and he tried to intervene and it was just chaotic for no reason.


before him went out with friends and drinking didn't affect me in a bad way. when me and him started going out is when I discovered drinking wasn't doing me any good. apart of my mistakes was that I kept drinking knowing I shouldn't. I know don't drink and if I do I stop at 1 drink


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

xodsxo said:


> its been 3 months now


3 months is not enough time. Your BF is not "punishing" you, he hi protecting himself from further humiliation and hurt. This situation is very much like an affair. 2 - 5 years. Maybe. Maybe never. But 3 months? Impossible to say whether he will ever feel "comfortabe" enough again.



xodsxo said:


> before him went out with friends and drinking didn't affect me in a bad way.


Alcohol takes away inhibitions. The key to your sitch is that this is telling you how you REALLY WANT to behave, but don't, until you get enough to drink.

I had a SO in younger life who wouldn't have sex with me unless she was "drunk enough", but not "too drunk". What this told me is that she basically did not want to have sex with me.

Thank God, I didn't marry her. I think you may need to do the same.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Could you tell us how old you and your bf are?


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## xodsxo (Jan 12, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Could you tell us how old you and your bf are?


I’m 22 and he’s 30


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thanks for letting me know! Okay, here's my take on the situation. There's a bit of an age gap here. Yes, it's only eight years, but I can tell you that the person I was at 22 and the person I was at 30 were vastly different. When I was 22, my social life was wilder. By that, I mean I'd go to parties with friends where people were getting pretty trashed. Lots of pot smoking going on too. When I was 30? At that point, I was married and hosting dinner parties in my home. Sure, we still drank, but in moderation. No pot smoking at all (my husband was an Army officer).

I did some pretty wild and crazy crap when I was younger. I learned as a grew up. You could be a mature 22 year old. OTOH your bf could be an immature 30 year old. Regardless, it boils down to simply how long you've lived. Longer life = more life experience. Hopefully, people learn from their experience.

I just don't think this is one of those till-death-do-we-part relationships. JMO.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

xodsxo said:


> sometimes I feel like we've moved forward and our relationship now is stronger on a more intimate and personal note so why continue to "punish" when someone is trying to move and grow from something


This isn’t about “punishing” you. 

If you mistreated and humiliated and disrespected him, you are lucky he is still seeing you at all.

If getting with your friends and family means that people will be drinking and pecking at each other, then it’s not a matter of punishing you, it a matter of not wanting to be around you when you are acting like an arse and not wanting to be around your family if they are getting drunk and acting obnoxious. 

Actions have consequences. You humiliate and mistreat someone, the consequence is they don’t want to be around you. That isn’t punishment. That is not wanting to subject yourself that kind of situation again.

You’re fortunate he didn’t outright dump your azz.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

I certainly would have.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

xodsxo said:


> yes its exactly the situation. I keep telling myself to continue to respect him taking time. Its just how much time becomes too much where one should just walk away, if you get me. sometimes I feel like we've moved forward and our relationship now is stronger on a more intimate and personal note so why continue to "punish" when someone is trying to move and grow from something


You aren't being punished. You behaved badly and, as a consequence, he is not subjecting himself to a possible repeat. He may never feel comfortable around you when you're with those that enable, encourage, or simply bring out bad behavior in you. Some mistakes have permanent consequences.

Growing and changing take time. 3 months is a start, but most people wouldn't consider a few months enough time to show any change is permanent.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Did you ever apologize to him in front of those friends and family?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I think there’s way too much context missing here to form any kind of opinion. OK, you drank too much and embarrassed him. In what way? Did you take your clothes off and throw yourself at a man in front of him? Did you get behind the wheel of a car and hurt someone? Did you start a fight with him and slap him in the face? Publicly ridicule him or state he had a small pee pee?


Or did you drink too much and dance on a table. Did you drink too much and trip over something. Did you start a silly argument over your cat.

The first examples I could see there being some need of change and “consequences” so to speak, if he stayed with you at all. The second examples, I could see him saying “you need to get some help for drinking too much and we need to work through this” and drawing out the “punishment” for it could be pretty controlling.

In my opinion, there’s a world of difference that could have happened and without details, I can’t say what the answer would be.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> Meh, 3 months, and even saying "you need to learn that your actions have consequences" seems awfully controlling, or at least no a healthy thing people say to an equal.


Really? It appears to be an observation and statement. Where is the controlling part conveyed in the statement, "you need to learn that your actions have consequences"?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

I'm thinking the incident in question as depicted is covered in sugar coating.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Nailhead said:


> Really? It appears to be an observation and statement. Where is the controlling part conveyed in the statement, "you need to learn that your actions have consequences"?


That is something you say to a child, not an spouse.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> That is something you say to a child, not an spouse.


That is fine but the statement is not controlling. BTW, the OP is married to this person. Dating for 3 months.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Nailhead said:


> That is fine but the statement is not controlling. BTW, the OP is married to this person. Dating for 3 months.


I am aware they are not married, saying that to someone at 3 months, is even more controlling. When will he decide she has served her sentence?

If someone one I was dating said that to me, goodbye.


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