# My thoughts can't shake Old vs Current EX.



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's an absolute shock when your wife or husband does a complete 180 on you. Especially the moment after d-day. And I had a hell of a time letting go of my old EX. The one who loved me, cared for me, etc,etc. And accept the new version who was cold, selfish, etc,etc.
It's been a year since our divorce was official. Time has definitely helped. I'm in a 4 month relationship that has been great thus far.

My kids are currently visiting their mom for the summer and in the middle of the long visitation, I got to see them for a week. And it's more like a vacation for me since their mom ran away to Minneapolis and the kids and I live in Houston.

So I just returned from my trip to see them. When I arrived to pick them up, my EX greeted me. She was being nice and everything and as we were about to leave, the kids asked to go get lunch at a nearby eatery. They wanted their mom to go too. I wasn't about to become a prick, especially in front of the kids so I said she could go. So we all ate lunch together and things went great. And then those old thoughts came flooding back in. Her smile and kindness reminded me of the old her. Yikes.

And I recognize that I sit here typing that I continue to refer to the "old" her and that she's changed. The old her is in the past. It's no longer the present or reality.Just wish I wouldn't have those dumb thoughts of imagining what once was, and could be now if she didn't make so many mistakes and gave the marriage a chance. 
Don't worry, I'm never going back to her. I'm in a great relationship with someone I care about. But just wanted to share what I was feeling and hope that it's normal to have thoughts like this. And that it's not detrimental either.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

You my friend , confirmed that I haven't been losing my mind. IT is completely frightening how drastically people can change, my Ex and I ended things 2 months ago after 12 years together ( no we weren't married , everyone asks why and I honestly don't have a good answer) And this woman stuck by my side through thick and thin, and loved me unconditionally and honestly made me feel like I was the most important person on Earth ( until the last couple years where it slowly changed and she started to resent me and almost hate me at times) But all and All it makes you wonder. And after the end , its like she nonstop goes out of her way to be a cold hearted person. ITs like any and every chance she gets she lets me know there is no chance in the world we would every be a couple again, ( even without me remotely suggesting that quite the opposite in fact) So I know all about the drastic change, it almost feels like she died a couple months ago, that woman who loved me , cared for me , was there for me for so long , just died and this new beast took over.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

this happened to me with my first R as well, was with her 4 years we were going to get married , she got bored started seeing this guy she worked with while together with me, pulled the whole time apart / space bull**** , she became this cold hearted ***** to me , wouldn't talk to me 90% of the time , 1 month or so later when the guy got bored with her, she started calling me nonstop from 7 am " hi I want to have dinner with you tonight , and can I spend the night" , hilarious to me , and of course I gave in , we got back together , and wouldn't you know , it didn't work out ?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Totally normal. No one is all good or all bad. You guys had a life together, a marriage. It's normal to see snippets of the past re-emerge and see her kindness. To be able to turn that off, to not ever think she was kind or that you had any good times together would be weird/ bad. So it's normal what happened when you saw her. Glad to hear you are doing good, Houston.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

HoustonDad,
Welcome to the forum, although I'm sorry that you have to be here. 

I've been divorced a year now, the process started in December 2012 for me. 

I too had a hard problem of reconciling the "old" ex, mother of my two children, with the "new". The one thing my mother told me which helped me out is that I have to look at my life as if I'm a widower. Because in reality when you go through a divorce you essentially are. The life you had is dead; you have to carve out a new life.

I'm not saying it's easy, and you will have flashbacks but there is a reason that this person is now your ex. 

Just my two cents. If you need to talk private message me. I'm not on here as much as I used to be but I'm always willing to help out a fellow TAM member. 

-Proud


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> It's an absolute shock when your wife or husband does a complete 180 on you. Especially the moment after d-day. And I had a hell of a time letting go of my old EX. The one who loved me, cared for me, etc,etc. And accept the new version who was cold, selfish, etc,etc.
> It's been a year since our divorce was official. Time has definitely helped. I'm in a 4 month relationship that has been great thus far.
> 
> My kids are currently visiting their mom for the summer and in the middle of the long visitation, I got to see them for a week. And it's more like a vacation for me since their mom ran away to Minneapolis and the kids and I live in Houston.
> ...


Hi, long time no see. What you are going through and feeling is normal. But you now who and what she is now. So just keep remembering that.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I have not seen X but handful of times since D, almost 6 months

Your X can act like she was a long time ago but that is a 

snapshot, not a photo album.

There had to be great moments in the past to make it

so special to you. It's like you want it known, at one time

our marriage mattered. I guess I summed mine up via

Ronnie Millsap, "they say all good things must end but I 

wouldn't have missed it for the world"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> Your X can act like she was a long time ago but that is a
> 
> snapshot, not a photo album.



Great analogy


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