# Just found Husband's underwear with sperm all over... in his workbag



## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

here I am ...again. after a wonderful Christmas and New Year... got up this morning like every morning and packed his lunch. My Husband has the habit to leave his food containers in his bag, so I took it out to clean them and found his underwear....all over with dry sperm. 

I had no time to talk to him because of the morning rush to get everybody out on time. Everybody left, got my good bye kiss from my husband before he left and here I am...shaking and knowing that this is not a good found.

I feel completely stupid.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It could be he found a secret spot for a nice jerk at work. It could be he is having an affair. Either way, DON'T SAY A WORD!!!! Repeat: DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!! If he is having an affair, he will likely deny until he dies without concrete proof. Keep quiet and start digging. I haven't had enough coffee to function yet, but there is an evidence gathering thread started by Weightlifter. If you can't find it, I'm sure some kind soul will like it. I would, but I can't make links work on my stupid tablet.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I don't know your back story, so I apologize, but why is this an indication of infidelity?

I mean, I see the possible correlation here, but... people masturbate. I'm trying to think of a scenario in which a man, uh, finishes in his pants when he has a partner. I mean, usually when one has sex, or receives oral sex, the pants come off, or at least down, and one finishes... elsewhere, know what I mean? Besides, don't most people (adults, anyway) 'clean up' afterwards?

I have a teenage boy around the house, and I do laundry quite often. Believe me when I tell you that stained underwear isn't a sure-fire indication of sexual activity with another person... :surprise:


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

yes he will deny and deny and deny. I have access to everything BUT workplace. I can't dig there. No way to do so. 
I just remember that I caught him (a few months ago) wearing his underwear the wrong way and he said " we played basketball and I was sweating so I turned it" . this man is BS me. I just can't do it anymore. He is driving me insane.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

WHERE does he masturbate at work? why is the underwear in his bag? why took he off? Is not that I found it in the laundry, I found it under his food containers in his bag. 




alexm said:


> I don't know your back story, so I apologize, but why is this an indication of infidelity?
> 
> I mean, I see the possible correlation here, but... people masturbate. I'm trying to think of a scenario in which a man, uh, finishes in his pants when he has a partner. I mean, usually when one has sex, or receives oral sex, the pants come off, or at least down, and one finishes... elsewhere, know what I mean? Besides, don't most people (adults, anyway) 'clean up' afterwards?
> 
> I have a teenage boy around the house, and I do laundry quite often. Believe me when I tell you that stained underwear isn't a sure-fire indication of sexual activity with another person... :surprise:


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I did not find the posting from weightlifter.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I just want to throw my wedding ring away. my marriage is a scam!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SA2017 said:


> WHERE does he masturbate at work? why is the underwear in his bag? why took he off? Is not that I found it in the laundry, I found it under his food containers in his bag.


Where? Anywhere he can, I suppose. Washroom? His desk? I don't know. I've never masturbated at work, but I imagine others have, and do.

Why did he take them off? Because they were dirty and wet I suppose. Because he brought a clean pair to work with him to change into afterwards, or after playing basketball or going to the gym or something.

Look, straight up, I'm not saying he didn't do anything wrong, I'm just saying that appearances can be deceiving. You'll have to give us more to go on as to why you're so adamant this means he's cheating on you.

To me, as I said above, I don't finish in my pants when I have a partner. It goes... elsewhere. I also don't finish in my pants when I'm alone, but that's just me. This just really sounds like he rubbed one out somewhere, maybe even with his pants on. And also that he has poor hygiene, but I digress.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

alexm said:


> I don't know your back story, so I apologize, but why is this an indication of infidelity?
> 
> I mean, I see the possible correlation here, but... people masturbate. I'm trying to think of a scenario in which a man, uh, finishes in his pants when he has a partner. I mean, usually when one has sex, or receives oral sex, the pants come off, or at least down, and one finishes... elsewhere, know what I mean? Besides, don't most people (adults, anyway) 'clean up' afterwards?
> 
> I have a teenage boy around the house, and I do laundry quite often. Believe me when I tell you that stained underwear isn't a sure-fire indication of sexual activity with another person... :surprise:


Here's how this works. You're having an affair. You and AP want to have sex, but there is a brief window of opportunity and maybe a chance of getting caught. You can't get totally naked or even really partially naked. So, you pull your pants down a little and then pull your penis out through the hatch built into men's underwear. Your AP, wearing a dress or skirt, moves her underwear aside and rides you. Due to the moist nature of sex and gravity, your underwear is now wet all around the hatch. BTDT many times with DH back when he was my AP and many times later after we were married and trying to get in a quickie before the kids interrupted us.



SA2017 said:


> yes he will deny and deny and deny. I have access to everything BUT workplace. I can't dig there. No way to do so.
> I just remember that I caught him (a few months ago) wearing his underwear the wrong way and he said " we played basketball and I was sweating so I turned it" . this man is BS me. I just can't do it anymore. He is driving me insane.


If you want my guess, I'd say he probably is having an affair. One underwear oddity after work is one thing, but two??

You could always confront him and tell him he has 2 choices. 1) You divorce him or 2) He agrees to take a polygraph. BUT, you have to mean it. I mean, really, really, mean it. As in, if he balks at the poly, you see an attorney the next day.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

He could have cleaned up with them, and forgot that he put them there.

I know it's hard believe me, you need to save the underwear as evidence and then commence to digging for evidence.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

ok. I wish I could post a picture of it ...it looks like he cleaned up not only himself but another "mess" too. this was not an one time jerking off job. 

yes I will keep it .. I wonder if its possible to proof that there is not only his DNA on it...


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

Based on reading your other thread as well, I'm wondering if your husband prefers masturbation to actual sex. In fact if he is doing it at work and going for weeks without having sex with you he possibly may be addicted to masturbation. Does he watch porn at all?

My husband had a real problem with masturbation. It didn't matter how much sex we were having. He would jerk off in the bed with me right next to him only a couple of hours after we had sex. In the shower. In the tv room while watching sports. While he sat at his desk in our home office checking his email. I figure probably behind his locked office door at work. He even admitted to me once that he did it while driving sometimes.

As far as where could he be doing it at work. Do they have showers? Does he have an office with a locking door? Or the obvious answer is the restroom. Maybe he got off in a restroom and had to use his shorts to clean himself up because the TP was all gone. Sounds like he probably forgot he put them in the bag or he probably would have emptied it himself.

I don't see this as a sign of cheating but if he is masturbating to the point of it affecting your sex life you both need to get some MC to figure out how to get him to spend his sexual energy with you instead of alone.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

SA2017 said:


> I did not find the posting from weightlifter.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> ok. I wish I could post a picture of it ...it looks like he cleaned up not only himself but another "mess" too. this was not an one time jerking off job.
> 
> yes I will keep it .. I wonder if its possible to proof that there is not only his DNA on it...


As gross as this sounds I do think it is common for men that hide their masturbation habits to reuse a towel (sock, underwear, t-shirt, pillowcase, whatever) to cleanup after masturbating. To the person discovering such an item, it may appear that the item was used to clean up a 20-person gang bang, but in reality it is likely just a month's worth of hidden masturbation. 

Where would he be doing this? Probably NOT at work, but more likely on a lunch or bathroom break. If he drives to and from work, odds are he is doing this in his car and using a mobile device to watch porn. 

If this were a sign of infidelity, then you would have found another woman's underwear or article of her clothing. 

*99% to me just seems like your husband is ashamed of masturbating and hiding it from you. Why is he ashamed? THAT is the question you need to ask.*

As awkward as this sounds, you could probably talk about this with his mom and she will tell you a story of finding his underwear like this ever since puberty! As men's masturbation habits and rituals often date back to adolescence. For me it was a pillow case I kept hidden between the mattresses when I was young. By the time I would sneak it into the washing machine with other laundry, OMG it was as stiff as a brick. Today I'm no longer ashamed of my solo habits and my wife has designated a box of tissue paper and a small wastebasket next to the bed. She even enjoys giving me "something to think about" when she is not in the mood and needs her own space.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Check for cash withdrawals. The only place I can think where you might not take down your pants to finish is at a strip club getting lap dances.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Check for cash withdrawals. The only place I can think where you might not take down your pants to finish is at a strip club getting lap dances.


Wouldn't it be easier to check for glitter? Cause it would be everywhere!


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Send them away for DNA tests. Maybe there is female (or, ahem, male) DNA on it that isn't your husband's?

Either way, it's pretty ****ed up. Even if you are rubbing it out at work, which is slightly messed up, and then catching it in your own underwear (seriously, there are papertowels and toilet paper everywhere) and then, dropping it in your bag like lalala.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lostme said:


> He could have cleaned up with them, and forgot that he put them there.
> 
> I know it's hard believe me, you need to save the underwear as evidence and then commence to digging for evidence.


Yes, I agree.

He wiped himself with them. He could have gone to a bathroom stall to "off" himself, but TP is available for wiping. Not likely.

Two possibilities:

1) He is a Pervert. He MB'd at work or in his car, looking at what? Random women, men, little girls, young boys?

2) Maybe a BJ was delivered by a women or a man. His underpants may or may not have been removed. But they were used to wipe up the "Semen on the Mount". His mount.

If he is not a pervert he is a common-core cheater. Both are rid-worthy reasons to toss him and his underwear onto the neighbors {Dandy-Lioned covered} front grass. Sprawled on his back, he will match the pattern and fit right in.....no, on.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I wanted to throw out another opinion.
I am 55 and I frequently ooze semen if I have not had sex for more than 4 days.
This is NOT just a dab of goo, it's a substantial amount.
When I go take a pee, I have to milk "it" so I won't mess up my shorts.

Sometimes it even goes through my shorts and onto my pants which is a REAL PITA!

FYI: I never masturbate and take testosterone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Look for porn magazines in his car. Or does he travel with a laptop. Look for pictures or porn movies on it. 

With the advent of Internet Porn, printed porn is rapidly becoming extinct. Good thing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

UMP said:


> I wanted to throw out another opinion.
> I am 55 and I frequently ooze semen if I have not had sex for more than 4 days.
> This is NOT just a dab of goo, it's a substantial amount.
> When I go take a pee, I have to milk "it" so I won't mess up my shorts.
> ...


 @SA2017...this is the only Ace in the Marital Deck.

On the back of the Ace card is written......hope. Hope this is true.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Why your husband is choosing masturbatation over you is a peculiar issue. 

I don't think it's cheating, if it was he probably would have thrown away the horrendous, hygiene challenged, underpants. 

Do not shame him for his masturbations habits, if you actually want to improve your sex life, use this find as a tool, be calm and jokey and tell him about your find of his pants, you get more information from a person by asking questions in a jovial manner and you can detect lies too, because you're not so angry. 

There's something amiss, he's choosing something over you, find out what it is. It could be porn, it could be he finds sex lacklustre with you. 

Your marriage is lacking communication, both of you need to have a serious, honest and calm talk about things. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> here I am ...again. after a wonderful Christmas and New Year... got up this morning like every morning and packed his lunch. My Husband has the habit to leave his food containers in his bag, so I took it out to clean them and found his underwear....all over with dry sperm.
> 
> I had no time to talk to him because of the morning rush to get everybody out on time. Everybody left, got my good bye kiss from my husband before he left and here I am...shaking and knowing that this is not a good found.
> 
> I feel completely stupid.


Imagine (not too vividly) these scenarios; 

1) He is bashing hsi bishop, realizes nothing is to hand other than his undies. Realizing he cannot put them in the laundry, he hides them in his work bag until he comes up with a solution.

2) He is having an affair. Just as he is about to cum, he withdraws and puts his undies on just in time.

I would very much think 1 is more likely.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

thank you everybody for your opinion. I think everything is possible with him. he do take naps in his car in lunchtime. there no porn magazines and he don't travel with his laptop. I went through his phone several times (he let me openly use it) and there is nothing. so either he just delete everything, or he has a secondary phone or sim card at work , or he do cheat with someone who is up to easy and fast sex at work. 


I am actually a person he can talk to about everything. he choose not to do so. He prefer to lie and to deny. 
I can't find peace in this marriage. I can't trust him ...I doubt I know my own husband. how sad and how poor. 

where can I send in for a DNA test? I am sure is super expensive though


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The idea of going to Weightlifter's Standard Evidence thread was to give you information you might be able to use, not to ask questions about the details of your personal situation. That's why we told you to ask these questions in your own thread. You are likely to get better answers here and not get into trouble for thread jacking the Standard Evidence thread. 

It's usually better to only have one thread where people get the whole picture and are able to understand your situation more clearly. I recommend that you stick to either this thread or the other one. You could also ask a moderator if they would merge the threads. I don't know how likely that request is to be honored, but it's worth a try.

Unfortunately, it is pretty much impossible to get evidence on someone who works for the federal government. You may as well be trying to get military secrets. Everything is under security and there is no way to get to it unless you're willing to risk federal prison or being shot. It's very easy for federal employees who have a work phone and e-mail to hide things. No one is checking on them at work. Their e-mail and phone are not monitored.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I'm sure it is very frustrating when you don't know what's going on in your own marriage and your husband is not forthcoming with information. That itself is a serious marriage problem that should be addressed.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> where can I send in for a DNA test? I am sure is super expensive though


STEP 1: Extract a sperm sample from your husband via whatever means necessary.

STEP 2: Place this sperm sample on a pair of your husband's underwear as a "control sample."

STEP 3: Borrow a police trained scent hound or hunting dog from a friend or neighbor. 

STEP 4: Have the dog hunt for the scent of the suspicious underwear by training him on the scent of the "control sample."

RESULTS: If the dog goes straight to the suspicious underwear you found in his bag, then it is your husband's underwear and semen. If the dog is unable to pick up a familiar scent based on the control sample, the underwear and semen belong to another person. 










This will only cost you one fuzzy tennis ball for the dog, and a really fun story to your new friend with a scent hound!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I agree that this doesn't necessarily mean he's been unfaithful to you or that you shouldn't trust him, but it's not a bad idea to try to get more information. What ever you do, stay dark! Don't say anything about this at all. Monitor everything very close, get a report from the cell phone company about all of his calls you should also try a VAR under the seat of his car. If he's doing anything, sooner or later he'll F up and you'll find out.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> Imagine (not too vividly) these scenarios;
> 
> 1) He is bashing hsi bishop, realizes nothing is to hand other than his undies. Realizing he cannot put them in the laundry, he hides them in his work bag until he comes up with a solution.
> 
> ...


Trying so hard to explain this without being too graphic. If a man leaves his boxers on during the act, the woman's wetness alone will be all over. If he ejaculates inside of her, that just adds to the moisture. If the sex is vigorous, if the male continues moving during ejaculation, and/ or he stays inside a bit too long, you end up with _a lot_ of fluids all over his underwear. Its the wet spot on the bed, only it's on the boxers.

Really, I've been a WS and had this happen many times. Seriously, have none of you ever done it up against the wall or in the car or at your desk like that? You just unbutton, unzip, pull it through the hatch, and there you are. If someone comes along, you aren't really exposed and can straighten your clothes quickly.

Hell, I've done this with DH at home in bed simply because I was too impatient to take the time to remove his boxers. 

By the way, I can think of a damn good reason to be having sex and pull out to ejaculate. Pregnancy. Pulling out is still a popular method of birth control for those who don't want to use hormonal methods and don't like or don't have a condom on hand. If he was having sex wearing his underwear and she was on top, at the finale he may have had to move her quickly to avoid getting semen anywhere near her vagina. After all, you can pretend the cum on your underwear is just your jerk at work, but it's a lot harder to explain a positive paternity test.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I decided to say nothing. I don't know if I will be able to control my "attitude" since I am not in the best mood. 

I can't place a recorder in his car because he parks his car right in front our security cameras. he will see that I went into his car and he will exactly see what I did. so I don't know how to solve this "obstacle". 

My husband gives me the feel of full transparency and access to all his devices and accounts. I use his phone and I went through it...there is nothing to find. I have access to all his laptops, desks, accounts, fb...everything. but I truly believe he has either a secondary sim card or play phone, or email account which he uses at work only. I have NO access to his work computer. My husband works on base. He knows where I can control and where not. He is not stupid. 

God...I addressed our "problems" MANY times... he deny and deny and twist everything around. he even asks me "what is your proof?" .


I give you one example:

the other night I went to bed, he was still watching his sport. He came upstairs and he thought I am sleeping already. he went to our master bathroom , took some lotion and went to our restroom. he was there like 1 hour! I got up to listen what he is doing. I saw through the door crack that his phone is on...he was watching a video on silence. I also heard him working his D. I listened to him until he was finish. I went back to bed and he came to bed after another 10 minutes. 

I did try to talk to him about this. I tried to ask him without "shaming". But he lied. then he asked me why I think he would do that. I told him why and then he told me coldly that I have no proof. sure, I had no proof. I didn't take pictures nor is a camera in there. what I am trying to say is even though I know what's going on and I try to talk to him, he will deny and let me look stupid in the end of the conversation. 




jb02157 said:


> I agree that this doesn't necessarily mean he's been unfaithful to you or that you shouldn't trust him, but it's not a bad idea to try to get more information. What ever you do, stay dark! Don't say anything about this at all. Monitor everything very close, get a report from the cell phone company about all of his calls you should also try a VAR under the seat of his car. If he's doing anything, sooner or later he'll F up and you'll find out.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

@badsanta, I am not in mood for these kind of advices.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It would be the last time I made his damn lunch. He can keep track of his lunch containers and make his own lunch. Let him dig around dirty underwear.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

some one asked if they have showers and lockers at work. yes, they have plenty of these. but there also cameras all over the place. I think his car is his "messy place" .


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It is apparent your H is self satisfying himself. Video, bathroom and lotion. Tri-fecta of taking care of business on one's self. I would think your H is doing this at work or on the way home. Maybe going to work. The question is why?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

well, that's me. I always make his breakfast and lunch in the mornings. I get up with him and it's finish when he comes in the kitchen. I will stop this if I can proof his wrong doings and we are getting a divorce. he will then loose all the benefits of me being his wife. until then I will do my part rightfully. 





Blondilocks said:


> It would be the last time I made his damn lunch. He can keep track of his lunch containers and make his own lunch. Let him dig around dirty underwear.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> It is apparent your H is self satisfying himself. Video, bathroom and lotion. Tri-fecta of taking care of business on one's self. I would think your H is doing this at work or on the way home. Maybe going to work. The question is why?



I don't know why. I can't even ask why because he deny doing this in the first place. I looked on his phone the next morning but there was nothing for me to be upset about. He may deleted it very carefully, he knows how to delete.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

He has had a _J Arthur Rank_ and has cleaned up with his pants. He put them in his bag to bin later and forgot. 

Unless there is other evidence of infidelity or suspicious behaviour then I would forget it. If this bad habit bothers you (and it would bother me) you could put the pants and lunch box back in his bag and let him be responsible for his lunch arrangements. Don't shame him.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

peacem said:


> He has had a _J Arthur Rank_ and has cleaned up with his pants. He put them in his bag to bin later and forgot.
> 
> Unless there is other evidence of infidelity or suspicious behaviour then I would forget it. If this bad habit bothers you (and it would bother me) you could put the pants and lunch box back in his bag and let him be responsible for his lunch arrangements. Don't shame him.


I do not plan on shaming him. I just wonder what he is doing. I have many ??? but he won't provide the answers. so I am stuck in something that I don't like.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

peacem said:


> He has had a _J Arthur Rank_ and has cleaned up with his pants. He put them in his bag to bin later and forgot.
> 
> *Unless there is other evidence of infidelity or suspicious behaviour then I would forget it. *If this bad habit bothers you (and it would bother me) you could put the pants and lunch box back in his bag and let him be responsible for his lunch arrangements. Don't shame him.


Ahh, but there is! Apparently, he has been caught looking up contact info for an ex, he's stopped saying "I love you" as of 2 YEARS ago, he seems to only want sex with OP about every 3 weeks, on and on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> I don't know why. I can't even ask why because he deny doing this in the first place. I looked on his phone the next morning but there was nothing for me to be upset about. He may deleted it very carefully, he knows how to delete.


Of course your H will deny. I would as well if I was pulling the pud in the tub. Certainly your H will clear his browser. He does not want you to see what kink he is into for the week. I'm not attempting to be funny here. It appears to me your is not getting his kink on and finds ways via video porn and Dove lotions. 

What is your sex life with your H like?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> he seems to only want sex with OP about every 3 weeks, on and on.


Because H is self-satisfying to porn.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

what means OP?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> what means OP?


original poster. In this case...you. :smile2:


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Of course your H will deny. I would as well if I was pulling the pud in the tub. Certainly your H will clear his browser. He does not want you to see what kink he is into for the week. I'm not attempting to be funny here. It appears to me your is not getting his kink on and finds ways via video porn and Dove lotions.
> 
> What is your sex life with your H like?


our sex life is strange. I have posted about it. we had sex during the Christmas holidays ...often and in different variants. he had no problems with having an erection as some people assumed. but now he is on his distance track again. he woke up and his first look is his phone (he checks his sports notifications) . he don't even look/ check on me. this will be the situation like for another 2 weeks until I am good enough again... I guess.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> I do not plan on shaming him. I just wonder what he is doing. I have many ??? but he won't provide the answers. so I am stuck in something that I don't like.


I apologise. I also have had some experience with my husband turning away from me and demonstrating some suspicious behaviour; please don't put up with it. When you think you are living with a stranger - that is a huge red flag that 'Huston we have a problem.' . Start making preparations to leave, give him 6 months to change - then go if he doesn't make those changes. Don't threaten something you are not prepared to go through with, let him know you are serious. If he won't communicate you have to show him with actions that you mean business.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> @badsanta, I am not in mood for these kind of advices.


Obviously you are in dealing with a great deal of stress, but I did mean for my comment to be lighthearted enough to perhaps get you to laugh. Sometimes it does help to take a step back and try not to be so serious.

In my opinion those advising you to send soiled underwear off to a lab to be tested are overreacting. Those that claim there are only one or two horrifying explanations are naive. Here are other possibilities:



Your husband may be getting sexually harassed at work. Cruel coworkers may have staged this underwear and placed it in his bag to cause him marital problems upon returning home.
He may have a gay coworker that has an underwear fetish with an unhealthy attraction to your husband at work. Ejaculating onto someone else's underwear is a common theme with online pornography, along with the excitement of revealing the evidence to the owner of this garment as a "tribute" to them. This underwear may not even belong to your husband, but may have been purchased by someone that knows exactly what brand he wears when doing this. 
Your husband could be suffering from hemorrhoids or a skin irritation and is using medication. This medication caused his underwear to become soiled and he changed into a fresh pair at work in attempts to alleviate his condition and be more comfortable. 
He could have gone to the doctor to have a vasectomy performed and ice packs soiled his underwear. Some men have this done without talking to their wives. This may explain a lack of sex at the moment. 

I could go on and on, my point being is that you should not allow your struggling self confidence to scare you into jumping to the conclusion of believing that your worst fears are coming true. 

Show the underwear to you husband and simply ask him to explain it. Try to be open minded. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> I apologise. I also have had some experience with my husband turning away from me and demonstrating some suspicious behaviour; please don't put up with it. When you think you are living with a stranger - that is a huge red flag that 'Huston we have a problem.' . Start making preparations to leave, give him 6 months to change - then go if he doesn't make those changes. Don't threaten something you are not prepared to go through with, let him know you are serious. If he won't communicate you have to show him with actions that you mean business.


If she actually confronts him with the soiled underwear and THEN he does not open up about it, then YES there is a problem!


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

badsanta said:


> If she actually confronts him with the soiled underwear and THEN he does not open up about it, then YES there is a problem!


I'm confused. I thought she had and he wouldn't give her any answers?? OP?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

yes, I feel stressed big time. not only stressed but depressed too. I hate it being in a trap like this. I feel trapped. 

Isn't this shaming when I show him his own underwear and want answers? this is going to be awkward because he will not be honest. he then will hide it better in the future. 

I am in the States...I am a foreigner as you figured it out already. Is really not easy to prepare leaving him. kids are involved. he knows that and that's why he is playing so much. playing, lying, manipulating... you should think he outgrew of all that.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

peacem said:


> I'm confused. I thought she had and he wouldn't give her any answers?? OP?


no, not about the underwear yet. that just happened this morning.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> It would be the last time I made his damn lunch. He can keep track of his lunch containers and make his own lunch. Let him dig around dirty underwear.


Yeah! @$%#&*

Yuck!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I could go on and on, my point being is that you should not allow your struggling self confidence to scare you into jumping to the conclusion of believing that your worst fears are coming true.
> 
> Show the underwear to you husband and simply ask him to explain it. Try to be open minded.


This... the less judgemental you are in your questions the more easily truth will be shared.

At least you will have opened the door for him... let him know he can walk through it without fear of being ambushed.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Trying so hard to explain this without being too graphic. If a man leaves his boxers on during the act, the woman's wetness alone will be all over. If he ejaculates inside of her, that just adds to the moisture. If the sex is vigorous, if the male continues moving during ejaculation, and/ or he stays inside a bit too long, you end up with _a lot_ of fluids all over his underwear. Its the wet spot on the bed, only it's on the boxers.
> 
> Really, I've been a WS and had this happen many times. Seriously, have none of you ever done it up against the wall or in the car or at your desk like that? You just unbutton, unzip, pull it through the hatch, and there you are. If someone comes along, you aren't really exposed and can straighten your clothes quickly.
> 
> ...


I have always cleaned myself, I assume most do. The point is that this is not a smoking gun and investigation is needed.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'm wouldn't even guess at a motive for why he'd do it, but is it possible that he left the underwear in there for you to find on purpose? Like when a dog is mad at you and poops in your shoe?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Obviously you are in dealing with a great deal of stress, but I did mean for my comment to be lighthearted enough to perhaps get you to laugh. Sometimes it does help to take a step back and try not to be so serious.
> 
> In my opinion those advising you to send soiled underwear off to a lab to be tested are overreacting. Those that claim there are only one or two horrifying explanations are naive. Here are other possibilities:
> 
> ...


Or, he could be f---ing any of his exes that he regularly sexts with. Or a new girl. 

Giving him much too much credit


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> I'm wouldn't even guess at a motive for why he'd do it, but is it possible that he left the underwear in there for you to find on purpose? Like when a dog is mad at you and poops in your shoe?


there is no reason to act like this. he has no reason to be mad at me.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I don't know if this is giving him too much credit? I am just trying not to overreact. of course I want to know the truth. I don't want to waste my life on a cheater. I would like to have a choice too, not only him. I do not appreciate lies. is just so hard to deal with him because he do lie or deny the truth. no matter HOW I ask.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, how about you pack his lunch tomorrow and put the dirty underwear right on top. He'll know you've seen it. Just wait and see if he says anything. If he doesn't, put it back the next day and so on.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm trying to come up with reasonable reason why he would have ejaculate all over his drawers.

The gentleman poster who posted about leakage due to health - reasonable.

I've never masterbated at work. Or in my car. Maybe I'm a prude.

But if I did - I think I would be a bit more prepared -- or careful -- where if I needed to wipe up I'd have other options besides my underwear. 

The most reasonable answer is he got a handy over his pants. The question is did he give it to himself or did someone give it to him? I can't imagine doing it to himself is ideal- because of the mess. What aroused him so that he messed in his his underwear? 

usually the obvious answer is the most logical answer. Does he frequent strip clubs? Are there females at work?

He's already proven to be untrustworthy, engaging in at least EAs by sexting former lovers while married to you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, how about you pack his lunch tomorrow and put the dirty underwear right on top. He'll know you've seen it. Just wait and see if he says anything. If he doesn't, put it back the next day and so on.


A sandwich, chips, and fruit of the loom errr fruit of the day!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I used to pack my husband's lunches the first few years of marriage. One day he came home and cautiously asked "Are you mad at me?". Said "No, why?". He said because you didn't put any meat in my sandwich.

So, leave out the meat. See if he says anything, then.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SA2017 you do not have enough evidence to accuse your husband of adultery. Yes, I agree something weird is going on, but gooey shorts in and of themselves are not enough evidence to throw your marriage away on. 

And judging from your posts, and the way you talk about your husband, there is a lot more problems in your marriage other than having a husband who apparently likes to beat off. There is some toxic posturing going back and forth between you and him. You have a judgmental, accusatory attitude...almost as if you are looking for something to bust him on. 

Back when I was married, I did my own laundry. I cannot think of one instance where my ex felt it necessary to inspect my underwear. You found the goo because you were looking for something to bust him on, because you are mad at him because of the way he acts. 

You two need marriage counseling.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Probable Cause? Perhaps!

Enough Evidence for Conviction? Hardly!*


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Trying to get answers from your husband has already proven to be a pointless exercise. Stop asking him questions when you know he’s going to lie to you.

You do not need to show him proof of his own actions. Continuing to do so is pointless and frustrating. Simply act on what you know. For example, regarding the dirty underwear in his bag, tell him that you will no longer be packing his lunch due to finding cum stained underwear in there. If you want to continue making lunch for him, you could leave it in the fridge for him to pack himself.

Until there are consequences for his actions, he will continue. Making him fess up to something is impossible, so why bother continuing? Simply hold him accountable for what you do know and act accordingly. He doesn’t have to agree with your assessment and he doesn’t have to admit to anything for you to take action based on what you do know.



SA2017 said:


> I don't know if this is giving him too much credit? I am just trying not to overreact. of course I want to know the truth. I don't want to waste my life on a cheater. I would like to have a choice too, not only him. I do not appreciate lies. is just so hard to deal with him because he do lie or deny the truth. no matter HOW I ask.


If he is treating you in such a manner or acting in such a way that you feel nervous and unsafe around him that is enough for you to act on. You do not need proof that he is having an affair. You already have proof that he is mistreating you by lying and acting strangely.

For those who want to understand what’s going on, here is the other thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/362138-husbands-sexdrive-schedule.html


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

If you are really concerned about him cheating or looking at porn use a program to uncover everything that has been deleted or is hidden on his phone. Wondershare's Dr Fone works great.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> SA2017 you do not have enough evidence to accuse your husband of adultery. Yes, I agree something weird is going on, but gooey shorts in and of themselves are not enough evidence to throw your marriage away on.
> 
> And judging from your posts, and the way you talk about your husband, there is a lot more problems in your marriage other than having a husband who apparently likes to beat off. There is some toxic posturing going back and forth between you and him. You have a judgmental, accusatory attitude...almost as if you are looking for something to bust him on.
> 
> ...


Well, the drawers were in with his lunchbag/box. If i found drawers in with my spouse's lunch bag I would surely inspect them. Odd place to find underwear.

OP also has another thread where she mentions all the sexting hubby has done with ex lovers over the past few years, so many red flags here.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I dunno Cynthia, I think the mistreatment is going both ways with this couple. Don't be so quick to condemn her husband. I have issues with a woman who has NOTHING good to say about her husband. Seriously, she has not mentioned one single positive attribute of his. 

Sounds to me like she just flat doesn't like him, and from his actions he definitely doesn't like her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Well, the drawers were in with his lunchbag/box. If i found drawers in with my spouse's lunch bag I would surely inspect them. Odd place to find underwear.
> 
> OP also has another thread where she mentions all the *sexting hubby has done with ex lovers over the past few years, so many red flags here*.


Then she should have divorced him over that. Yeah, this evidence is alarming, I'm not saying it isn't, but she needs to gather more to make a complete case. 

But why make the effort? It sounds to me like this marriage gave up the ghost a long time ago. It seems to be a toxic corpse of a relationship. I don't sense that she has one ounce of respect of liking for this man....much less love.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Then she should have divorced him over that. Yeah, this evidence is alarming, I'm not saying it isn't, but she needs to gather more to make a complete case.
> 
> But why make the effort? It sounds to me like this marriage gave up the ghost a long time ago. It seems to be a toxic corpse of a relationship. I don't sense that she has one ounce of respect of liking for this man....much less love.


Agree.

She mentions she's looked through email, phone records, nothing. No access to work computer, email. He works in military base so obviously can't access those devices.

A wise man once told me years ago (you!) that basically, after a while it just ain't worth the effort of being a warden, babysitter and inspector.

OP may be getting to that point.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Agree.
> 
> She mentions she's looked through email, phone records, nothing. No access to work computer, email. He works in military base so obviously can't access those devices.
> 
> ...


Exactly. A spouse should never do anything that is going to cause his wife fear or misery in the marriage. This guy has been sexting and doing God knows what else in the past. Is he cheating on her? Probably. Is it worth the anxiety of going through all the labor and heartache to find out? No, I don't think so. I think she has enough with his past sexting and current bad attitude as reasons to dissolve the marriage. 

What I am saying is, from the tone of her posts, she's miserable and angry and checked out of this marriage. His behavior is warping her into a vengeful woman, and I don't think she wants to become that kind of person. I am encouraging her to end it, and then go forward and find happiness in herself and perhaps with a new partner. If her husband is a schmuck... then he's a schmuck, and she needs to leave his sorry ass.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Tell you what! Here's exactly how you should "handle" it: Confront him with the evidence "in hand," and if he immediately responds by making "goo-goo" eyes, then you've got him nailed to the wall!*


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno Cynthia, I think the mistreatment is going both ways with this couple. Don't be so quick to condemn her husband. I have issues with a woman who has NOTHING good to say about her husband. Seriously, she has not mentioned one single positive attribute of his.
> 
> Sounds to me like she just flat doesn't like him, and from his actions he definitely doesn't like her.



I don't like his actions and there fore it's my right to "judge" his actions. Of course not everything is bad about him, I never said this! but I am not here to praise what he is doing great, I am here because of a problem. yes of course there is some toxic back and forth going on because of HIS actions and lying. I never lied to him nor did I him wrong. so no need to put some "part" blame on me. we went to counseling and the chaplain said clearly that he has to work on certain things. which he did for a little while until things calmed down and then he just was things hiding better.


in order to leave him alone I need more proof. I can't get a divorce just because of gut feelings or dirty underwear. I am glad you're not in my shoes, I wish nobody to be in a situation like this.



to everyone else.... I didn't confront him. I will wait and keep my eyes open. someone mentioned to try wondershare dr fone.... I can't download apps on his phone. he is a tech freak and will find out quickly.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> to everyone else.... I didn't confront him. I will wait and keep my eyes open.


If you can't find out what your husband is doing at work or in his car, here is my suggestion. Buy a few inexpensive voice activated recorders and place them around your own home, especially where your husband tends to spend time. Plan to run errands so that your husband is home alone. Be sure and let him know how long you will be gone and where you are going.

When he is off to work the next day, you can check the recorders to see if he made any phone calls and what was said. If he uses that opportunity to watch porn, odds are you will hear that as well and possibly be able to tell what type of porn he was watching (normal porn, gay porn, or other).


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno Cynthia, I think the mistreatment is going both ways with this couple. Don't be so quick to condemn her husband. I have issues with a woman who has NOTHING good to say about her husband. Seriously, she has not mentioned one single positive attribute of his.
> 
> Sounds to me like she just flat doesn't like him, and from his actions he definitely doesn't like her.


This.

I had friends who were married for about a decade, and never heard a positive word spoken from either of them about the other. Quite the opposite, in fact. He eventually asked for a divorce, and she was beside herself. In my head, all I could think of was that she didn't even like him, so what's the problem? All the negative things they said about each other, the way they treated each other, none of it seemed like they were in love, let alone liked each other very much.

But she was upset because of ego. SHE wasn't the one to end the relationship, he was, so she felt rejected. He just blinked first.

This thread instantly made me think of these people.

On a somewhat related note, this is what happened, more or less, in my first marriage (though one-sided). My ex wife, at some point in time, started to like me less and less. No particular reason that I can pinpoint - I wasn't a bad husband or guy. But the dynamic stopped working for her. Whatever negatives there were became amplified, and every little thing was an issue, an excuse to be mad at me.

By the end of it all, she could barely stand me - but still had sentimental love for me, which she'd show every now and again. Breaking up with me wasn't easy for her. I was all she knew for a decade and a half, we had a life, careers, a home, and the thought of starting again was scary - as it usually is.

Regardless, my point is - breaking up with someone isn't always an easy thing to do. Most people require a reason, something they can bring to their partner and say "this is why I'm leaving you". So sometimes, they start looking for reasons, or even almost creating them. Or occasionally, as I believe my ex wife did, almost antagonize the other person into breaking up with them, so that they're the 'victim' and not the bad guy.

When you simply stop loving someone, it's actually really difficult to break up with them, knowing that you'll break their heart. Not many people want to do that, let alone have the strength to do it. So they (often subconsciously) push the relationship in that direction - with the end result being either they have a concrete justification to end it, or they break the other person into doing it first.

The other important part is that people want a concrete reason for themselves, too, particularly if they're not 100% sure ending the relationship is the right thing. Nobody wants to live in regret, or with "what ifs". THEY need to be certain about it, and having a 'real' reason (like infidelity) is the way to go about it. Subconsciously, one can look for, or even manufacture, this type of thing. My ex wife, at one point, actually said she wouldn't be upset if I got oral sex outside the marriage. It wasn't something she could do for me (jaw issue), and that's the way I took it at the time. I said hell no, of course. In hindsight, I was too stupid/blind to see the actual narrative behind that statement.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you can't put a VAR in his car or check his work phone and email due to the nature of his job and you can't use spyware to monitor his phone and computer, you're really not in much of a position to get the evidence you'd need to conclusively say he is or has been cheating. If he's smart and they only communicate in person at work, you would't be able to get any evidence even if you did have access.

At this point, I got nothing other than revisiting the polygraph suggestion I made earlier.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

I have to admit I would use some old underwear or socks to clean up after masturbating if nothing else was available. And yes, I've done it at work when I had my own office (and pretty much anywhere else I can get away with IN PRIVATE). I like that sort of thing.

If I was having sex on the other hand, generally the semen goes somewhere else and there is not much left to clean up, if you know what I mean.

He is masturbating alone - you saw him jacking off to porn in the bathroom so you know this. I did this a lot when our relationship and sex life was bad. If my wife was constantly suspicious of me and accusing me of affairs that would be a real turn off. 

If he was really having an affair, unless he is a complete idiot, he would be more discreet about it.
The real question is why, and why is he ashamed to talk to you about masturbating and why he does it? Masturbation in and of itself is not a problem, male or female (women do it too you know !!!!) - but if it's INSTEAD of intimacy you have a problem.

Are you the kind of wife who when her husband tries to tell her something, doesn't shut up and listen, but keeps talking and talking about her own feelings and viewpoint? You sound like this on the posts, as you already have put 2 + 2 together and ended up with 500. 

That is my wife, and I find the only thing that works for me is to angrily tell her to SHUT UP AND LISTEN! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Then she does. She doesn't like it, but our communication and marriage has improved immensely since I started doing this. I don't need to do it very often. The other thing I do is be completely open about my sexual habits and preferences. She is far less so, I wish that were different. What are you like on this topic? Do you tell your husband what kind of sex you like? Do you talk about sex at all?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@SA2017 

I put the odds of him having an affair at 90%.

As a seasoned male masturbature... I can tell you when you know you about to bust a nut, it's fairly easy to "catch the load" in something or at least control it's trajectory so it doesn't end up all over you. 99.99% of the time it wants to shoot OUTWARDLY.

For it to be mushed into his underwear like that tells me one thing. Something was in the way of its "disbursement" if you will for it to backsplash all over himself.

Like a vagina..... If I had to hypothesize then @MJJEAN's quicky affair sex narrative fits the evidence perfectly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Any chance he wanted you to find them? Some kind of passive aggressive message? He knew you'd be packing his lunch, right? And he's not stupid.


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## Leroi (May 13, 2016)

Hi SA2017, I'm a foreigner too, and not in the US (sorry in advance for my English). this to say that, maybe, I can give you a different opinion, or at least a different pow.
I'm married with a fantastic woman, both in our early 40, with a 2-year child. We have been together for 21 yrs, and I deeply love her as the first day, maybe more, and I can luckily say it's the same for her.
But we have a different approach towards sex: I'm HD, she is not. I can't say she is LD, because she is very passionate during sex, but she doesn't take any initiative, propose any variation.
Sometimes it's ok, sometimes I get frustrated, sometimes I get angry. 
When this happens, when for days, or weeks it is impossibile to understand if she's willing to have sex, I often indulge in mb to satisfy myself: and yes, it happened at the office, as well as in the bathroom or in the living room late at night, once she went to bed.

What will be my reaction if caught in one of this occurences? I don't know, probably I'll deny, most probably I'll try to underline her "faults", her not being turned on as often as I am.

At the end, what am i trying to say? 
First, I don't think he is cheating on you. If so, you wouldn't have find his underwear at all.
Second, i think is is angry with you. Don't know why, you have to understand it.
Third, please talk to him. I know it'll be tough, but try to be calm and positive. When I've managed to speak freely to my wife about our sex life, my desires, my fantasies - this is happening more often now (we both grew in a catholic enviroment, so it is not so easy), I always found her schocked (she really didn't realize I was frustrated by our routine) but also very responsive, above my expectations.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He got a handy at work from a third party - either over his pants or down his pants, then took off his underwear because he didn't want to sit in wet all day. If he was masterbatibg he would have been more careful, instead he was caught up in the moment. 

We already know he's cheated in the past, at least EAs, sexting with multiple women over the past few years. Could be one of these women did it, or a whole new woman.

We could come up with 1,001 scenarios but usually the most likely answer is the most obvious one.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

Just to clarify something, I see other posters have mentioned about him sexting other women - THIS is a far far bigger problem. Also him leaving the drawers in his LUNCH BAG where you would find them ... this is plain weird. As I said before, I would put them in the washing myself but wouldn't put them somewhere for my wife to find a "nasty" surprise?

Maybe he has some fetishes he is ashamed to talk to you about directly, and these online women will? Not saying this is OK (the sexting bit), but it might explain something. "Oh baby yes, look at my cum soaked boxers" kind of thing????


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He got a handy at work from a third party - either over his pants or down his pants, then took off his underwear because he didn't want to sit in wet all day. If he was masterbatibg he would have been more careful, instead he was caught up in the moment.
> 
> We already know he's cheated in the past, at least EAs, sexting with multiple women over the past few years. Could be one of these women did it, or a whole new woman.
> 
> We could come up with 1,001 scenarios but usually the most likely answer is the most obvious one.


Sorry this makes no sense at all. Why not just throw away the underwear in that case? He WANTED them to be found. Not saying he isn't cheating, but don't think this is "caught up in the moment".


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good Guy said:


> Sorry this makes no sense at all. Why not just throw away the underwear in that case? He WANTED them to be found. Not saying he isn't cheating, but don't think this is "caught up in the moment".


I dunno. Makes as much sense as someone who has so little self control that they not only have the need to masterbate at work but are so aroused that they blow inside their own pants.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Good Guy said:


> Sorry this makes no sense at all. Why not just throw away the underwear in that case? He WANTED them to be found. Not saying he isn't cheating, but don't think this is "caught up in the moment".


*Either that, or he is just the proverbial dumba$$!*


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I agree he is an idiot for leaving the soiled underwear to be found. But we've seen idiot cheaters so caught in their own la la land that they do stupid things. 

OP - since you don't have the means to really check up on him since he is on a military base, maybe you straight up ask him. I usually advise keep quiet and keep looking but in your case not sure what else to tell you.

"Why did you have underwear in your lunch bag?" See what he says. Don't mention you noticed they were soiled.

ETA - here is the thread where OP mentions she caught him sexting several women. He also denies masterbating. (I allow that this is something many guys won't admit to). 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/362138-husbands-sexdrive-schedule.html


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

@SA2017. You mention you have step children. Has your husband been married before? How and why did that relationship end?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SA2017 said:


> I did not find the posting from weightlifter.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I dunno. Makes as much sense as someone who has so little self control that they not only have the need to masterbate at work but are so aroused that they blow inside their own pants.


Some of us (myself included) have pretty high sex drives.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Who hasn't had the urge to take care of themselves in some private area at work? I know women who've told me that they couldn't stand it anymore and had to rub one out in the ladies' room.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good Guy said:


> Some of us (myself included) have pretty high sex drives.


It's not the masterbating I find odd, it's the inside the pants thing I find odd. 

Have you ever been so excited at work you spontaneously busted, fully clothed?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Any chance he wanted you to find them? Some kind of passive aggressive message? He knew you'd be packing his lunch, right? And he's not stupid.


Yup. I'd have trashed the chonies and gone commando. There's just no reason to bring evidence of an affair home with you if your not hoping to get caught.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Yup. I'd have trashed the chonies and gone commando. There's just no reason to bring evidence of an affair home with you if your not hoping to get caught.


I know you'd have to be dumbest of the dumb to get caught like this. But him being passive aggressive, wanting them to be found doesn't jive with what she tells us in the other thread.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> It's not the masterbating I find odd, it's the inside the pants thing I find odd.
> 
> Have you ever been so excited at work you spontaneously busted, fully clothed?


*I'm going to ask how would someone know for sure that it was semen in his underwear?* I know this kind of thing is generally defined as, "believe me I know it when I see it" type of thing. But as an adult male I can't tell you how many times I have been eating a snack or working on a project and spilled something on my shirt. I go look in the mirror an 95% of the time anything I spill on my shirt right below my belly button gives me a knee-jerk reaction of, "OMG I have to change my shirt or people will think I just jizzed myself" even though I know for a fact that it is just the icing from a glazed doughnut. 

THEN the other half of the time when things get a little crazy in the bedroom and I know "things" went flying somewhere, I find myself unable to recognize the difference between a spot where I drooled in my sleep versus a semen stain. 

If my wife found me with soiled underwear in my lunch box, I'd be like, "OMG I spilled a whole drink all in my lap while driving around running errands during lunch, so I had to remove my underwear as they were soaked and used them as best I could to clean. I dried my pants while wearing them in front of a hand dryer. I went commando for the rest of the day!" 










Badsanta


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I give up. Unless we get more information from the OP in either of her threads, it's just speculation on our part.

Hot and cold sexual appetite. Sexting other women. Denies masterbating. Cum stained drawers. I drew my conclusions and others have drawn their's.

OP if you have further information please share now or down the road.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

I missed many responses here and I had to read them all first. I can't answer all of them individual. 

@badsanta , yes that would be his explanation "I spilled my drink ..." , he would come up with every story on this earth before he would admit that he masturbated or cheated. He rather to die than telling me the truth. 

Is amazing how a few people try to find the fault within me. one person is creating an absolute wrong picture of how I treat my husband. Matter of fact, I daily appreciate my husband and talk never bad to other people (in real life or social media) about him. nobody would EVER have the idea we have problems. I am sharing this here because I am anonym and I can share the problem that I have and feel. you can completely skip the picture of your married couple that didn't like each other. I try to stay focused on the issue and my found. 


my husband has a bad habit which slowly but surely destroys our marriage. it's his habit, not mine. 
I tried to talk to him... is not working. Trust me, I wouldn't be here if our conversations would work! 

do we talk about sex? uhm, yes and no. In the beginning we talked about it and made sure we will meet our needs. he still gets everything that he likes.... spontaneous sex, oral/anal sex, coming on my face sex, sex in the shower, sex in closets, doggy style.... whatever he ask for he get it. when I don't get his cold attitude I do initiative . I never told him no...even when I was sick or just gave birth. 

our conversation about sex got a hit when not so great things came out what my husband did in the hidden. he know I don't trust him anymore. he knows I question him and his loyalty. is he happy about it? no, but he understand. he knows why. this is the price of his cake and all the pieces he had. 


Is funny how someone said that it's a turn off when the wife makes accusations ...well, guess what...for us wives it's a big turn off in a looooong run once you betrayed us with lies and there is no trust anymore. I am just saying.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I find myself unable to recognize the difference between a spot where I drooled in my sleep versus a semen stain."

Here's a heads-up, Billy Bob - touch it. You can tell the difference.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Also, most people don't carry a Krispy Kreme around in their shorts.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@SA2017

I know this is kind of CSI ish but have you considered looking at the underwear under blacklight? Semen, urine, and saliva will all fluoresce under black light but semen typically will fluoresce brightest. At the very least you can narrow down whether it's a spilled drink or not.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> "I find myself unable to recognize the difference between a spot where I drooled in my sleep versus a semen stain."
> 
> Here's a heads-up, Billy Bob - touch it. You can tell the difference.




exactly. to get in detail...in his case...it looks like dry clear clue or like clear nasal discharge. ok? :nerd:


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Lila said:


> @SA2017
> 
> I know this is kind of CSI ish but have you considered looking at the underwear under blacklight? Semen, urine, and saliva will all fluoresce under black light but semen typically will fluoresce brightest. At the very least you can narrow down whether it's a spilled drink or not.



black light? ok, that's an idea. I will try that. thank you.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> black light? ok, that's an idea. I will try that. thank you.


Here's a link to a black light seller. 

Black Light

And this is what you're look at:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> do we talk about sex? uhm, yes and no. In the beginning we talked about it and made sure we will meet our needs. *he still gets everything that he likes....* spontaneous sex, oral/anal sex, coming on my face sex, sex in the shower, sex in closets, doggy style.... whatever he ask for he get it. when I don't get his cold attitude I do initiative . *I never told him no...*even when I was sick or just gave birth.



@SA2017 do you feel confident enough to say "no" to something that is bothering or hurting you?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What is a work bag? Is it a backpack that he takes to work? Or is it a workout bag he takes to the gym?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SA2017 said:


> here I am ...again. after a wonderful Christmas and New Year... got up this morning like every morning and packed his lunch. My Husband has the habit to leave his food containers in his bag, so I took it out to clean them and found his underwear....all over with dry sperm.
> 
> I had no time to talk to him because of the morning rush to get everybody out on time. Everybody left, got my good bye kiss from my husband before he left and here I am...shaking and knowing that this is not a good found.
> 
> I feel completely stupid.


Maybe he went into the restroom at work...and...?  

I'd just ask him. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> black light? ok, that's an idea. I will try that. thank you.


You will also need a pair of "UV Glasses" to help enhance what you see with the blacklight:










They usually look yellow.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno Cynthia, I think the mistreatment is going both ways with this couple. Don't be so quick to condemn her husband. I have issues with a woman who has NOTHING good to say about her husband. Seriously, she has not mentioned one single positive attribute of his.
> 
> Sounds to me like she just flat doesn't like him, and from his actions he definitely doesn't like her.


She found his cummy drawers in his lunch box, what she going to say "he's sperm count looks good?"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> Here's a link to a black light seller.
> 
> Black Light
> 
> And this is what you'll look at:


*Now that's a rather appetizing menu to choose from!*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

alexm said:


> This.
> 
> I had friends who were married for about a decade, and never heard a positive word spoken from either of them about the other. Quite the opposite, in fact.


Did your friend's wife find cummy drawers. I'm sorry but this is a pretty big red flag, even it he is masturbating at work. Like who does that. I don't blame her for being pissed, plus he jacks and then lies about it. I don't think she is being unreasonable at all.

I never realized I was so vanilla, never in a million years thought about jacking at work.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @SA2017 do you feel confident enough to say "no" to something that is bothering or hurting you?


sexwise? yes. well, but then again...there is a hint of "pressure" because...you know...husbands cheat if they don't get their satisfactions at home. so I make sure that this reason is none of our reasons.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

wilson said:


> What is a work bag? Is it a backpack that he takes to work? Or is it a workout bag he takes to the gym?


 @wilson , it's a backpack for gym, his stuff and lunch. 

it's his "everything has to fit in" bag. 

I usually leave this bag alone and put his finished breakfast and lunch-to-go just on our bar countertop, but since he left his empty food containers in his bag and it started to stink...I took it out and literally grabbed the underwear with it. I didn't even "search" for it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't see where you actually just asked him what was up with what you found?


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

SA2017 said:


> sexwise? yes. well, but then again...there is a hint of "pressure" because...you know...husbands cheat if they don't get their satisfactions at home. so I make sure that this reason is none of our reasons.





Please don't feel like you have to be his sex slave because you don't want him to cheat. He will cheat if he wants to cheat. Don't blame yourself for that. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

SA2017 said:


> @wilson , it's a backpack for gym, his stuff and lunch.
> 
> it's his "everything has to fit in" bag.
> 
> I usually leave this bag alone and put his finished breakfast and lunch-to-go just on our bar countertop, but since he left his empty food containers in his bag and it started to stink...I took it out and literally grabbed the underwear with it. I didn't even "search" for it.


This may have already been asked, but could something have leaked out of one of the containers, and got on his underwear?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

sokillme said:


> Did your friend's wife find cummy drawers. I'm sorry but this is a pretty big red flag, even it he is masturbating at work. Like who does that. I don't blame her for being pissed, plus he jacks and then lies about it. I don't think she is being unreasonable at all.
> 
> I never realized I was so vanilla, never in a million years thought about jacking at work.


I don't think many of us have, so you're not alone!

But in all honesty, if he does do this, then he may be embarrassed about it.

Anyway, my point was just that there's two sides to every story. My ex wife became a bit of a hard ass for the last several years of our marriage, so I had to walk on egg shells, as they say. Sometimes it's better to play dumb, or yes, even lie, to avoid a mini-apocalypse - particularly if it's something embarrassing, personal or you know it'll PO your partner. I'm not advocating lying in marriage, but if buddy here is doing something personal and perhaps shameful (yet generally harmless) and is being given the second degree about it, his reflex might just be to deny.

I've seen a handful of posts here about people who do not want their partner masturbating at all, or somebody who has a partner who 'forbids' masturbation and takes it as a personal affront. It's obviously legit when the sex life is sporadic or non-existent (as seems to be the case here), but all the same.

I just feel that this thread seems to fit the mould of this. Doesn't mean that's what it IS, but it somewhat follows the script. One partner has a 'problem' (masturbation, porn, etc.) that impacts their sex life. The other partner is frustrated, angry and untrusting - which is normal.

There are certainly some red flags, I just don't think the underwear is one of them.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SA2017 said:


> Is amazing how a few people try to find the fault within me. one person is creating an absolute wrong picture of how I treat my husband. Matter of fact, I daily appreciate my husband and talk never bad to other people (in real life or social media) about him. nobody would EVER have the idea we have problems. I am sharing this here because I am anonym and I can share the problem that I have and feel. you can completely skip the picture of your married couple that didn't like each other. I try to stay focused on the issue and my found.


I apologize for that. The reality is that you didn't say many positive things about your husband or the marriage until well into this post. How you were speaking (about him, and just in general) reminded me very much of how my ex wife spoke to, and about me, as well as the couple I mentioned in my post.

All of us giving advice and replying here are biased in some way. Those that immediately say "he's cheating" - have been cheated on (or in one case, did the cheating in her previous marriage). My bias came from how you were speaking about your husband and your marriage (in both your threads), and I gave my 2 cents.

Like a few others have said here, there are bigger problems in this marriage. It seems as though you're focusing on this underwear thing rather heavily. There's a lot of speculation going on, by us and by you.

Talk to him. My previously mentioned bias makes me think that he doesn't talk to you because he's afraid to talk to you for some reason.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't see where you actually just asked him what was up with what you found?


No I did not ask him yet. there was no opportunity yet. I also have a hard time to find the right start into this conversation without getting awkward or a shaming outcome. I am not quite sure if I even should ask or remain still.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

hifromme67 said:


> Please don't feel like you have to be his sex slave because you don't want him to cheat. He will cheat if he wants to cheat. Don't blame yourself for that.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


no, I don't feel like a sex slave. I do enjoy it. I am aware of it that even though the sex life is great that men still cheat our of very selfish and greedy reasons. I just try my best ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

alexm said:


> Like a few others have said here, there are bigger problems in this marriage. It seems as though you're focusing on this underwear thing rather heavily. There's a lot of speculation going on, by us and by you.


He's been caught sexting multiple women, he went looking for an ex's contact info, there was another underwear incident, and he seems to have taken deny til ya die to heart. OP says that when she tries to speak to him, he just simply lies or avoids. She cannot trust him. He will not be honest with her. What else can she do but speculate?

I get most people haven't been married to a chronic lair, so trust me when I say the standard advice doesn't work when you're married to someone who is almost incapable of telling the truth even with evidence right there in your hand. Seriously, it's crazy making.


Some people you just can't talk to like that because they will never admit their sh*t. Ever.

Also, due to lack of coffee yesterday, I just now thought about something. If he was jerkin at work, but did not have PIV with another women, an A is still on the table. Considering his history of sexting, it would be reasonable to wonder who he was talking to or texting while he masturbated.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SA2017 said:


> No I did not ask him yet. there was no opportunity yet. I also have a hard time to find the right start into this conversation without getting awkward or a shaming outcome. I am not quite sure if I even should ask or remain still.


OK. Tell him that you're trying to remember what you put in his lunch that day because, apparently, he enjoyed it so much he came in his shorts. Just look at him expecting an answer.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> OK. Tell him that you're trying to remember what you put in his lunch that day because, apparently, he enjoyed it so much he came in his shorts. Just look at him expecting an answer.


:rofl:

I bet the look on his face would be priceless!


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Well since semen has a pretty distinct smell, it should be easily determined whether or not that's what it is!


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

HurtWithHope said:


> Well since semen has a pretty distinct smell, it should be easily determined whether or not that's what it is!


it smells just like that.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SA2017 said:


> it smells just like that.


The scent of a woman is also fairly distinct. We all have our own personal scent, but as a whole the scents of different women are somewhat similar. When you smelled the underwear, did you also detect the scent of a woman's vaginal fluids?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MJJEAN said:


> He's been caught sexting multiple women, he went looking for an ex's contact info, there was another underwear incident, and he seems to have taken deny til ya die to heart. OP says that when she tries to speak to him, he just simply lies or avoids. She cannot trust him. He will not be honest with her. What else can she do but speculate?
> 
> I get most people haven't been married to a chronic lair, so trust me when I say the standard advice doesn't work when you're married to someone who is almost incapable of telling the truth even with evidence right there in your hand. Seriously, it's crazy making.
> 
> ...


I'm not ruling it out, at all. I'm just not convinced this particular thing is a red flag.

Ultimately, I think what I'm saying is that OP is probably headed down the right path here, but the underwear thing is a bit of a red herring, and she's focusing far too much attention on it, rather than what really matters. It's been a couple of days, and she has yet to even ask her husband about this. I don't quite get that.

And to me, that's the crux of the problem - lack of communication. Sure, he's to blame for that, too. But honestly, how many of us out there would be holding onto this type of thing for as long as OP has? If any of us were in a similar position, we'd be asking "what the hell is this?" the second we get the chance.

Furthermore, determining what, exactly, is on the underwear is irrelevant, IMO. What's that going to tell her? I just think she needs to change tactics.

I know the number one rule around here is to not confront until you have solid irrefutable evidence, but perhaps in this case it'd benefit her to get it all out with him, and explain her suspicions openly and honestly and in a calm manner. Doesn't mean he'll admit to anything (if there's anything to admit to), but he'll know exactly what she thinks of all of this, him included, and if he's innocent of any wrong-doing and values the marriage, he'll smarten up.

Basically, if he's told what his actions LOOK like (not necessarily are) he may take that to heart. My wife had issues with boundaries very early on in our relationship. I truly don't believe she ever crossed any lines, or even would have, more that she had self-esteem issues (mainly due to an emotionally abusive ex) and didn't mind outside attention. In any case, I went against all TAM convention, and spoke to her about it. Not what I thought she was doing, but what it looked like - not just to me, but to others. I wasn't accusatory in any way, and this was early enough in the relationship that I would have cut bait pretty easily if I felt I had to and shrugged it off, TBH. Same with her. What I came away with was that she didn't quite realize the optics of it, what it looked like, and how it made it appear she wasn't taking the relationship seriously. And perhaps she wasn't at that time, which is okay. It was early on.

Some times it's a defense mechanism of sorts. I believe it was in her case. Sometimes people spiral into places where they didn't expect. It takes good communication to pull them out of that spiral and a strong partner to be the catalyst. Sometimes it's too late, sometimes it's just in the nick of time. YMMV.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> sexwise? yes. well, but then again...there is a hint of "pressure" because...you know...husbands cheat if they don't get their satisfactions at home. so I make sure that this reason is none of our reasons.


The dynamics of human sexuality are indeed strange. Sometimes a man may cheat because he wants to be with a woman that is powerful and in control in such a way that she assumes the role of his mother scolding him for being bad. Sometimes a man may cheat because he is afraid to be himself around the woman he loves out of fear of loosing her, so he finds someone he does not care about to be freaky with sexually. Sometimes a man may cheat as the result of an emotional affair, as the result of convincing himself that a close friendship was perfectly innocent until becoming overwhelmed with attraction. Sometimes a man may cheat because he and his wife have produced unhealthy offspring and his instincts push him to find new opportunities by being attracted to different people. Sometimes a man may cheat because sex at home has become readily available, routine, and boring, so he seeks out something harder to get and more exciting. 

My point being is that none of those things can be prevented by feeling "pressured" to perform in the bedroom. All of those things can benefit from working on trust and communication OUTSIDE the bedroom so that the two of you are very open about all your feelings and can work on them together as a couple. The result of that should be that things naturally improve all on their own in the bedroom, as trust and communication are the foundation of your marriage. 

Badsanta


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

@alexm yes there is a lack of communication. my husband successfully shut me down in expressing my concerns or what I feel. yes, usually you go straight to your spouse and point it out. but is not that easy with him. he can be very manipulative...willingly or unwillingly. 
he often made me feel like I am the crazy one. he twists things around or after things are said he somehow manage it that we remain silent and ignore things out. sounds strange, but that's how it goes. he also senses when something is wrong or I want to talk...he then make sure he covers himself in a cloud of business so that there is no fit for me to bring up any kind of heartfelt conversations. and also...we have children...I can't bring up the underwear subject around them.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

badsanta said:


> The dynamics of human sexuality are indeed strange. Sometimes a man may cheat because he wants to be with a woman that is powerful and in control in such a way that she assumes the role of his mother scolding him for being bad. Sometimes a man may cheat because he is afraid to be himself around the woman he loves out of fear of loosing her, so he finds someone he does not care about to be freaky with sexually. Sometimes a man may cheat as the result of an emotional affair, as the result of convincing himself that a close friendship was perfectly innocent until becoming overwhelmed with attraction. Sometimes a man may cheat because he and his wife have produced unhealthy offspring and his instincts push him to find new opportunities by being attracted to different people. Sometimes a man may cheat because sex at home has become readily available, routine, and boring, so he seeks out something harder to get and more exciting.
> 
> My point being is that none of those things can be prevented by feeling "pressured" to perform in the bedroom. All of those things can benefit from working on trust and communication OUTSIDE the bedroom so that the two of you are very open about all your feelings and can work on them together as a couple. The result of that should be that things naturally improve all on their own in the bedroom, as trust and communication are the foundation of your marriage.
> 
> Badsanta



I am agree , but I can't do this by myself. one alone can't hold a marriage together if the other one is not in it and 100% honest.

"...Sometimes a man may cheat because sex at home has become readily available, routine, and boring, so he seeks out something harder to get and more exciting..."

that could be him. which is not fair but incredible selfish. he likes challenges and he can be pretty two sided...while he loves to cling on old things and routines, he also is into new things with challenges. this is something I CAN'T win. not on my own and not with a liar.


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## Leroi (May 13, 2016)

can't explain exactly why, but I've got the impression your hubby is a bit confused.
No panties, lot of semen, deny and deny, masturbating at night.... he's surely unsatisfied by his sex life, but looks to me like he's having a gay or bisexual fantasy, and he's fighting against it


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Leroi said:


> can't explain exactly why, but I've got the impression your hubby is a bit confused.
> No panties, lot of semen, deny and deny, masturbating at night.... he's surely unsatisfied by his sex life, but looks to me like he's having a gay or bisexual fantasy, and he's fighting against it




he is not gay nor he has bisexual fantasy. he is all into females ....


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Buy a black light (UV light). (A pet store will some them.) It illuminates any protein. Inspect H's clothes if you wash them. 

Never, Never use it in a hotel room. You will never set foot in one again.


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## Leroi (May 13, 2016)

SA2017 said:


> he is not gay nor he has bisexual fantasy. he is all into females ....


Are you sure? this is the sort of thing a husband will deny forever.
And, sorry for my brutality, but you were sure of things that are proving not to be so certain.....


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> Also, most people don't carry a Krispy Kreme around in their shorts.


I have an eclair.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SA2017 said:


> @alexm yes there is a lack of communication. my husband successfully shut me down in expressing my concerns or what I feel. yes, usually you go straight to your spouse and point it out. but is not that easy with him. he can be very manipulative...willingly or unwillingly.
> he often made me feel like I am the crazy one. he twists things around or after things are said he somehow manage it that we remain silent and ignore things out. sounds strange, but that's how it goes. he also senses when something is wrong or I want to talk...he then make sure he covers himself in a cloud of business so that there is no fit for me to bring up any kind of heartfelt conversations. and also...we have children...I can't bring up the underwear subject around them.


Well, then, it's YOUR job to get yourself to therapy and start learning how to combat this. Your H sure isn't going to change; only you can do anything to improve your life.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Leroi said:


> Are you sure? this is the sort of thing a husband will deny forever.
> And, sorry for my brutality, but you were sure of things that are proving not to be so certain.....


yes sure. we don't have to continue this kind of thought.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't really get why this is so hard. 

*you:* "I found your cummy drawers in your lunch box, what the F*ck?" 

*him:* "huh?"

*you: *"You better tell me know what the deal is or we're done. Actually were done unless you can pull a miraculous explanation out of your ass. Such as an Angel appeared to you with some porn and told you to jack right there at work."

*him: *"what?"

*you: *"We're Done" walk out.

*him: *"Um yes it was an Angel."

Then you stay somewhere else for a while, let him sweat it out and get ready for the trickle truth (assess if there is true change, probably not), and/or if it is too painful or you have had enough move on to better things in you life. 

OR

Waste your life and clean a bunch of work induced cummy drawers. 

These are really your only answers. If you do nothing you are picking option 2 and this will continue for the rest of your life, it probably will be even if you pick option 1 because people rarely change and he has shown you who he is. He is a chronically deceptive, closed off, inappropriate masturbater at the least. This is not a lot to work with.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

alexm said:


> I'm not ruling it out, at all. I'm just not convinced this particular thing is a red flag.
> 
> Ultimately, I think what I'm saying is that OP is probably headed down the right path here, but the underwear thing is a bit of a red herring, and she's focusing far too much attention on it, rather than what really matters. It's been a couple of days, and she has yet to even ask her husband about this. I don't quite get that.
> 
> And to me, that's the crux of the problem - lack of communication. Sure, he's to blame for that, too. But honestly, how many of us out there would be holding onto this type of thing for as long as OP has? If any of us were in a similar position, we'd be asking "what the hell is this?" the second we get the chance..


Taken in the context of this man's history of cyber affairs with multiple women and the attempt to get in touch with the ex as well as the other underwear incident and his history of lies, and that's just the stuff OP managed to catch, it sure becomes a red flag real fast.

My exH was a chronic liar. In the beginning, I'd confront right away when I found evidence. Then I realized that confrontation, even with some evidence, was useless. He'd just deny, deny, deny. So, I moved on to keeping silent and watching. Then, when I had something conclusive, I'd confront. Want to guess the result? New and different lies!

It's impossible to effectively communicate with a liar. Really, it is.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I don't really get why this is so hard.
> 
> *you:* "I found your cummy drawers in your lunch box, what the F*ck?"
> 
> ...



sounds good, sounds easy! but in my real world life is not that easy. especially if you don't know anybody to go to and have little children who loves him very much.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Taken in the context of this man's history of cyber affairs with multiple women and the attempt to get in touch with the ex as well as the other underwear incident and his history of lies, and that's just the stuff OP managed to catch, it sure becomes a red flag real fast.
> 
> My exH was a chronic liar. In the beginning, I'd confront right away when I found evidence. Then I realized that confrontation, even with some evidence, was useless. He'd just deny, deny, deny. So, I moved on to keeping silent and watching. Then, when I had something conclusive, I'd confront. Want to guess the result? New and different lies!
> 
> It's impossible to effectively communicate with a liar. Really, it is.


 @MJJEAN , thank you. you understand. how did you get out of your marriage?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SA2017 said:


> sounds good, sounds easy! but in my real world life is not that easy. especially if you don't know anybody to go to and have little children who loves him very much.


This is exactly why you simply MUST rearrange your life so that you are not dependent on him and have access to a lawyer and money. Making decisions out of dependence on him isn't helping you or your kids. And kids can love him in two homes if need be; better that than living all together in a home in which the mother is getting mentally beaten down.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@SA2017

I hope your husband is doing his workplace masturbating in a bathroom stall with a locking door, or his own private office.

If he is doing it in his vehicle on his lunchbreak, and someone sees him, that could mean a public indecency charge.

Figure it this way. He ejaculates on himself, so he has to get somewhere private to get his pants and underwear off. He has to walk across a parking lot [if he's in his car] with a big wet-spot on the front of his pants and the smell of sex on him.

Then [privately] take off his pants and underwear, put his pants back on and stuff them in his lunch bag.

So, porn and masturbation have gotten to the point where it's interfering with his ability to function normally in daily life.

That's when you know you've got a problem. I know.....good luck having him admit that. 




@Hellomynameis



> My husband had a real problem with masturbation. It didn't matter how much sex we were having. He would jerk off in the bed with me right next to him only a couple of hours after we had sex. In the shower. In the tv room while watching sports. While he sat at his desk in our home office checking his email. I figure probably behind his locked office door at work. *He even admitted to me once that he did it while driving sometimes*.




A whole new meaning to "distracted driving". Wow:surprise:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Taken in the context of this man's history of cyber affairs with multiple women and the attempt to get in touch with the ex as well as the other underwear incident and his history of lies, and that's just the stuff OP managed to catch, it sure becomes a red flag real fast.
> 
> My exH was a chronic liar. In the beginning, I'd confront right away when I found evidence. Then I realized that confrontation, even with some evidence, was useless. He'd just deny, deny, deny. So, I moved on to keeping silent and watching. Then, when I had something conclusive, I'd confront. Want to guess the result? New and different lies!
> 
> It's impossible to effectively communicate with a liar. Really, it is.


I would just leave.

A guy who is somehow getting his boxers full of sperm at work is either having an affair or jacking at work. Like the poster above says. If he gets caught that means no job, who knows what else, and then you are left supporting his mess (no pun intended). His recklessness is a danger to you and your child's stability. It's like being married to a junkie. Doesn't mean you have to leave forever but the dude needs the come to Jesus moment.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SA2017 said:


> @MJJEAN , thank you. you understand. how did you get out of your marriage?


I'm not proud of it, but I began having affairs of my own. I ended up falling in love with an OM and left my exH to be with him. We've been together 17 years, married 14 of those.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm not proud of it, but I began having affairs of my own. I ended up falling in love with an OM and left my exH to be with him. We've been together 17 years, married 14 of those.


Better to reverse the order of these events.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Better to reverse the order of these events.


Yes, it is. While I love DH ridiculously, it would have been better if we'd met after I left. I am grateful to have met him at all, though, so I am at peace with the circumstances.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Taken in the context of this man's history of cyber affairs with multiple women and the attempt to get in touch with the ex as well as the other underwear incident and his history of lies, and that's just the stuff OP managed to catch, it sure becomes a red flag real fast.


Ahh, there's nothing finer than being married to a serial cheating troglodyte, no sir.

But about the *LAST* thing I'd be doing with a POS like this is having anal sex. letting him give me facials, banging him in closets and in the shower, and pretty much anything else that includes touching his diseased, lying ass.

OP, you can swing from a chandelier and your serial cheater is STILL going to be looking to dip his wick everywhere and anywhere he *can*. Being his sex kitten won't stop him from chasing tail - that's just a way of life for him.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

I used to be an exotic dancer and sometimes I would make the customers ejaculate in their pants. Your husband probably went to the strip club during lunch and had a happy accident XD


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I say SA is WAY over reacting. To me, this is strip club or masturbation habits. Try not to attack your partner. It doesnt help get answers.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

KaggyBear said:


> I used to be an exotic dancer and sometimes I would make the customers ejaculate in their pants. Your husband probably went to the strip club during lunch and had a happy accident XD


Thats a possibility, but I'm not sure how much that would change the situation. Most women consider ANY sexual contact to be cheating. If he did pay a stripper to grind all over his junk, he still committed infidelity.

Honestly, I think I'd be extra pissed off if my DH went to a stripper for a lap dance. It's insult to injury. Sexual contact with another woman is bad enough, but to also pay for it presumably with marital funds? Aww, hell, naw!


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Thats a possibility, but I'm not sure how much that would change the situation. Most women consider ANY sexual contact to be cheating. If he did pay a stripper to grind all over his junk, he still committed infidelity.
> 
> Honestly, I think I'd be extra pissed off if my DH went to a stripper for a lap dance. It's insult to injury. Sexual contact with another woman is bad enough, but to also pay for it presumably with marital funds? Aww, hell, naw!


Oh it's dishonesty and infidelity, I agree completely, but the sad thing about the club is that most of the customers were middle-aged married men.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

KaggyBear said:


> Oh it's dishonesty and infidelity, I agree completely, but the sad thing about the club is that most of the customers were middle-aged married men.


Ahh, the titty bar. The best place on Earth to see "a fool and his money are soon parted" in action!

Having been to a few strip clubs, I can confirm most patrons I saw were middle aged or close to it and wearing wedding rings. 

Before gay marriage was legal, I had a bi male friend who went to the local "men's health club" (read: bath house). According to him, the majority of patrons were wearing wedding rings.

Sooo many possible ways those underwear were soiled. None of them good.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I recall when i was young in my 20's and early 30's going to clubs like that when i was married, i woudl even tell my wife i did and was very honest about went on there, she did not mind but then again it really was not that interesting, and the only reason i even went was because the clients brought us there...but i have a rule i have never broken nor ever intend too...If i could be the father (age wise meaning) of those girls on stage then its not for me....and i happen to remind my fellow middle age men of that all the time, some listen most don't...now show me a club with women over 45 dancing...then i would be in trouble.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Xenote said:


> If i could be the father (age wise meaning) of those girls on stage then its not for me....and i happen to remind my fellow middle age men of that all the time, some listen most don't...


That's nice, but it's YOUR rule and you can keep your judgements to yourself. I used to agree with your rule, generally... But, since, I have seen several happy marriages with large age differences. Good for you having a rule, but to me, adults should have the maturity to make their own choices based on their life and circumstance. I have come to see age as fairly arbitrary and I no longer judge other relationships because of an age difference.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

KaggyBear said:


> I used to be an exotic dancer and sometimes I would make the customers ejaculate in their pants. Your husband probably went to the strip club during lunch and had a happy accident XD


Since reading the first post in this thread, I have wracked my brain trying to think of a plausible reason for the spermy underwear, but could not come up with anything believable. THIS strip club idea is totally plausible. It's never happened to me personally, but I came close a few times... had to think about baseball to avoid such an accident...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

wantshelp said:


> That's nice, but it's YOUR rule and you can keep your judgements to yourself. I used to agree with your rule, generally... But, since, I have seen several happy marriages with large age differences. Good for you having a rule, but to me, adults should have the maturity to make their own choices based on their life and circumstance. I have come to see age as fairly arbitrary and I no longer judge other relationships because of an age difference.


why are you rising a wife?


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

wantshelp said:


> Since reading the first post in this thread, I have wracked my brain trying to think of a plausible reason for the spermy underwear, but could not come up with anything believable. THIS strip club idea is totally plausible. It's never happened to me personally, but I came close a few times... had to think about baseball to avoid such an accident...


Well it's either the strip club, or the husband has some kind of disorder which causes him to ejaculate involuntarily which is something you'd tell a spouse, right?


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> He's been caught sexting multiple women, he went looking for an ex's contact info, there was another underwear incident, and he seems to have taken deny til ya die to heart. OP says that when she tries to speak to him, he just simply lies or avoids. She cannot trust him. He will not be honest with her. What else can she do but speculate?
> 
> I get most people haven't been married to a chronic lair, so trust me when I say the standard advice doesn't work when you're married to someone who is almost incapable of telling the truth even with evidence right there in your hand. Seriously, it's crazy making.
> 
> ...


God, this post is getting awfully sticky.

I will be ever-so-happy when OP asks him about the underwear under investigation. Her marriage is underwater and the undertow in OP's post are dragging us to the bottom of the pile of dirty thoughts in TAM's hamper. The underworld is at home here. Good thoughts are under represented and under reported. 

I hope the husband is under the impression that under-truths are upper-cuts to Dear OP.

And I do hope it was the mushroom soup that gushed out of the plastic container onto the nicely folded open-fly drawers.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

thank you for all response. as I already stated, I will not ask him about it. I think, he already figured it out that his underwear in his backpack is missing. I put it in a zip lock and is hidden for now... he is on that 2 weeks "break" again... hoping for him to make a mistake or somebody will give me a hint so I can move on.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

SA2017 said:


> thank you for all response. as I already stated, I will not ask him about it. I think, he already figured it out that his underwear in his backpack is missing. I put it in a zip lock and is hidden for now... he is on that 2 weeks "break" again... hoping for him to make a mistake or somebody will give me a hint so I can move on.


You know you sound psychotic right? If you are bagging up underwear, its time to leave and get yourself to a therapist. You have lost it.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

just collecting proofs in case I will need it. you never know.


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## whatever622 (Feb 17, 2018)

Well this is my first post on this site and I have to say, as embarassing and painful as it is, my husband of 24 years is a porn and sex addict. I am pretty regularly finding underwear of his with stuff in them. Hasn't done too good of a job of cleaning himself up but he's done a bang up job at lying to me about it. Now he's resorting to washing his underwear only (when we had an agreement that he wouldn't do any laundry) and then pulling them out of the dryer and putting them in the dirty clothes pile upstairs in our room to "hide" the evidence. I'm done. I want out of this marriage. So to the original poster, you are not stupid at all.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

SA2017 said:


> here I am ...again. after a wonderful Christmas and New Year... got up this morning like every morning and packed his lunch. My Husband has the habit to leave his food containers in his bag, so I took it out to clean them and found his underwear....all over with dry sperm.
> 
> I had no time to talk to him because of the morning rush to get everybody out on time. Everybody left, got my good bye kiss from my husband before he left and here I am...shaking and knowing that this is not a good found.
> 
> I feel completely stupid.




- Being married 18+ years, I can say, when relieving myself, I always have my underwear off.

- I never ejaculate in my underwear either.

- I never have sex or relieve myself at any of my work places

- I have never had sex in my car, or anyone's car for that matter

- If I was going to a strip club, and one of the strippers wanted to take me in the back or to her place afterwards, I guarantee you I would be naked and not wearing my underwear. Vaginal, oral, anal, it doesn't matter.

- This to me is very weird.

- I have never hear of someone putting spermed underwear in other's lunch bag either.

- *If he went to a strip club, she took him to the back, pulled down his pants and grinded him only wearing his underwear until he ejaculated, that is a possibility*. But again, women today are on birth control and you wear extra thin condoms, so wearing underwear makes no sense.


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## PatJourno (Dec 24, 2017)

Please get more concrete info BEFORE approaching.

Strange to find dirty underwear in his bag. Was he not wearing any underwear when he came home?




SA2017 said:


> here I am ...again. after a wonderful Christmas and New Year... got up this morning like every morning and packed his lunch. My Husband has the habit to leave his food containers in his bag, so I took it out to clean them and found his underwear....all over with dry sperm.
> 
> I had no time to talk to him because of the morning rush to get everybody out on time. Everybody left, got my good bye kiss from my husband before he left and here I am...shaking and knowing that this is not a good found.
> 
> I feel completely stupid.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

SA2017 said:


> here I am ...again. after a wonderful Christmas and New Year... got up this morning like every morning and packed his lunch. My Husband has the habit to leave his food containers in his bag, so I took it out to clean them and found his underwear....all over with dry sperm.
> 
> I had no time to talk to him because of the morning rush to get everybody out on time. Everybody left, got my good bye kiss from my husband before he left and here I am...shaking and knowing that this is not a good found.
> 
> I feel completely stupid.


Wet dream? It could mean anything.

Hmmm... On second thought, a person usually won't get a wet dream unless he hasn't had sex for a while... as far as I know, anyway.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

At my job, I can surely rub one out as I work with my companies archive, shot I can do much more with all nook and crannies in my maze-like space.
My wife before she was my wife she used to joke, and say is this where you get your B.J's.....
The thing is I would never jerk off or have sex with someone at my job space, or any other for that matter unless it was my GF/Wife!

That's just me, but they are guys/gals that do it all the time masturbate and do all sorts of things without much more than a thought, I guess I'm way too boring when it comes to such things.

S1


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

SA2017 said:


> just collecting proofs in case I will need it. you never know.


I suspect you will be insulted, and I am sorry. These are my observations, anyway.

It seems obvious you don't want to continue in this marriage.

I suspect you are hoping to use this as evidence of fault in a divorce proceeding.

People here can help you with finding ways to actually proceed with some action to establish proof which might be usable. DNA testing is the only thing which might find anything useful.

It just seems to me to be odd behavior to squirrel away disgusting things like this, and seem to have no real plan, and not proceed with any action.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> It could be he found a secret spot for a nice jerk at work.


:rofl:

Reminds me of my youth on one of my first legit jobs, there was such a gorgeous woman in the office, tall korean lady with big piercing dark black eyes, I went to the bathroom to... erm, take care of business! I walked out with a massive grin on my face and everyone knew what I did!


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