# They gotta be crazy.....here we go loopdeloo



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You know, 
After all the divorce is finalized, and a person reflects back on the hows and whys of what happened in their marriage, there seems to be a predominant consensus that it is worthwhile and integrous to define and understand what we as the betrayed spouses "did" to promote an unhealthy marriage, leading to divorce.

I personally have felt that I did not put my foot down enough, but in most cases this would have led to being called controlling, and if I didnt put my foot down, I was a doormat.
There comes a point that there is nothing you can "legally" do that would have made your spouse think rationally, and logically.

Ive thought about communication. Knowing how throughout the years I went from force bluntness, to spending all day finding ways to "pretense" what I was saying in a nice and comforting way, yet still get my point across, only to be met with the exact same vicious retort, which led to either stonewalling or blameshifting...

I have no answers to why there was so little intimacy in my marriage after so long, much of it was based upon her expressions of needing understanding and room to initiate on her own, without it becoming an obligatory situation. This led to simply more years down the tubes.

Money? When it came to money, we had conversations outright where we both agreed that we were in financial trouble, and she would say, yes, lets hold off on the spending and extracurricular things for awhile... only to get bored three days later and make a plan for the weekend with her girlfriends.

She has purchased throughout the years, many, many potted plants of various sorts, and placed them throughout the house. 
They would last for about four weeks, and initially there would be the watering and caretaking of them, but after awhile, she would miss a week, then two, and they would look dry, and begin to wither. How often I could rightly compare my own marriage with this woman to her capacity for a "green thumb". Apparently, it was buried elsewhere.

I guess my point is this, that if there is a solid, contributing factor that one could find about themselves that facilitated the end of their previous marriage with one particular person,,, I am not so sure that refraining from, or changing that part, would be applicable to their next relationship. 
For me, it boils down to how involved the person you were married to, was in contributing to the success of the marriage.

IF there were problems that you were responsible for, was it that there was just not enough time to work on it, before your spouse decided to bail on the marriage? Was it that you did not listen to them trying to work it out before they gave up?

I found out, that none of the issues that were considered as my contributions to the end of the marriage, were issues at all, until they were good and ready to be used as supporting reasons FROM her to end it. Saved up, like a bag of marbles ready to toss on the sidewalk in front of you. 
Why was there never any mutual discussion of it? Being the person who was always asking if something was wrong, or how I could make our relationship better, and being told everything was fine, seemed to me, a good sign that we were okay.

I from this point on, refuse to look into it any further. I refuse to beat myself up over what "I" couldve or wouldve done if given the chance. Fact is, I wasnt given the chance, and the defining affair she chose to have, removed the possibility of making positive changes.

Any changes I could have made would have been done in direct relation to the marriage with "her", and I am finding that so many people out there, do not think, or act, or behave quite like she did within the marriage. So it could be an exercise that proves counter to a good relationship in the future.
Lord forbid I "expect" the next woman I involve myself with, to behave in the same ways... that could get really funky, really fast.

I now know of 2 people who recently divorced after involving themselves in an affair, that are checking themselves into rehab because they feel like theyve lost their minds.

(SIGH),,,,,


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Shoo,

My advice is to get out hte introspection and inspection mode as much as you can.

The truth is, and it may be hard to hear this, is you or your ex-wife may not either be "bad people." You just had different goals, values, etc, neither one morally superceding the other. In that, you weren't compatible and made for a volatile mix.

For instance, some couples spend "hand to mouth" like your ex-wife and they are happy as pigs in mud. Of course, at the end of their life, they have nothing financially to show for it but I guess they scrape by as the poor on our American safety nets.

Some couples are frugal, downright cheap. I know of an MD and his wife who scour flea markets when I know they make nearly $200,000/year together.

If you are here to "journal your thoughts", that's fine. But I found my happiness times still remain to be when I am "doing", not "thinking". Ususally that means swimming, jogging, etc. You seem to be caught up in the "divorce feedback loop" I call it and you have to try to snap yourself out of it.

Good luck.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Scanner,
The idea I guess, was to do exactly what you mentioned, to not allow yourself to stay in the divorce feedback loop.
I should have made a point with that, and to warn other people out there not to dwell on it, as it is certainly a cyclic self infliction.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Shoo,

How about spending more energy looking/anaylizing the accomplishments that you have made since the divorce instead of trying to figure out where it all fell apart? You could also use some mind energy on thinking about what you want to do with your house to make it a great home for you and your child.

The hardest thing for me was to break that cycle of questions that would loop around without answers because the missing peice is her thinking and she will most likely never talk to you about it.

Hope you start moving forward. Can't go back and standing still is painful.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> You know,
> After all the divorce is finalized, and a person reflects back on the hows and whys of what happened in their marriage...


There's your first problem. You know what history is? Just one f^cking thing after another.


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

Wake up, son of mine.
Momma got something to tell you.
Changes come.
Life will have its way with your pride, son.
Take it like a man.

Hang on, son of mine.
A storm is blowing on the horizon.

Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road,
Take it like a man.

Listen up, son of mine.
Momma got something to tell you.
All about growing pains.
Life will pound away where the light don't shine, son.

Take it like a man.
Suck it up, son of mine.
Thunder blowing up the horizon.

Changes come.
Keep your dignity.
Take the high road.
Take it like a man.

Momma said like the rain,
this too shall pass like a kidney stone.
It's just a broken heart, son.
This pain will pass away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

but a broken heart is a broken heart. After so long together regardless of the end. It is shattered.


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