# Where Did That Bus Come From??



## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

I really need some perspective here. I am currently married, 4 years, together 6, we were best friends for 6 years before this. I seen her go through two abusive marriages and she seen go through my fair share of relationships. We have had our roller coaster rides, finances, housing, jobs, etc. We made it through all of it. In the beginning our sex life was amazing, of course over time, it dwindled. We just bought a house last month, been renting the whole time. One day a few weeks ago, we were talking and she just lost it and said "I'm Not Happy, I'm In Hell, I am Not In Love You, I dont want you to touch me.

Ok, insert getting hit by a bus here... Basically it turns out she has had these feelings for quite awhile and says its because were friends first and there are levels of love and we are not on the level we should be. Went to MC, not worth a hoot. She has been talking to friends, one our friends is dead set against us separating and is doing everything she can to help. We are still in the same house, separate rooms, very awkward, she goes back and forth on things. One day its we need to get the camper sold, the next, we really need to get this calendar hung up. She is going out more now, because she doent want to be here, she tells me where she is going and who she is with, which i have verified a few times. But there is a guy that she started texting in Feb, he is the last text before bed, several through the day and first in the morning. She went to high school with him, been 16 years. I have confronted her about, says things are to complicated with us, why would she add something like that into the mix. Our friend asked to and she says no. She has told our friend, she loves me more than anything, but the sex is hard because of the friend thing, which she misses dearly and she doesnt want me to be unhappy. i want to save this in any way I can. Any thoughts??


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

1) Ask her to give up this "friend".

2) Post this is the "Coping with Infidelity" section.

Her emotional energy is going through this guy and not you most likely.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Acorn hit it out of the park.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I love you but I'm not in love with you = Thanks for being my doormat and paying for a nice place for me to live but you just don't get me wet anymore and he does.

Athol Kay's book is worth a try.


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## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

formerly betrayed wifes POV…

Why is the ‘friend’ thing killing the romance? It seems to me that most women want to be best friends with their husbands. I’d think that being wonderful friends before becoming romantically involved would be a good thing not a bad thing. 

I’d say keep your eyes open to the possibility of an inappropriate relationship with this other guy. 

Also, and this may sound cold/conniving (but who cares) I would highly suggest that you bring up divorce and separation now. Work out all the kinks to an actual divorce/separation now while she’s still in this specific state of mind. Let her know that you want to cover your bases, protect yourself, in the event there is an actual spit. Get her to sign something agreeing to this/that in the spilt. If you end up getting divorced you will have saved yourself tons of frustration and if not then you will be giving her tons of reality to think about. 

Good luck and well wishes.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

Post in Men's Clubhouse or Coping with Infidelity. I think you will get advice on reading Married Men's Sex Life, at the very least. Sounds like your wife is having an EA/PA and is rewriting history a bit.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've already discovered the problem. It's the friend she is having at least an EA with, possibly even a PA.

Wether she admits it or not, texting a guy waking up and going to bed is way outta line not ok in any marriage. That level of contact is what a romantic relationship has, not a friendship.

You need to read those texts, you also should put a VAR in her car and bedroom to hear what she is saying to him.

He is killing you marriage because she IS having an affair.

Affairs can be killed by choice and by exposure. In your case she is choosing the affair, so I recommend you find out the real details and expose. It could be the OM has a gf or wife and that is why she is still living with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Shaggy is dead on.

This is an emotional affair (EA) at best. It may be turning into a physical one (PA) as she's spending more time going out without you.

As others have suggested, start to investigate quietly. Buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) and place it under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro (cheaters feel free to talk in their cars)

Buy a keylogger and put it on your/her PC. Do you have access to the cell phone account records on line? Go into the detail billing section and look at the volume of texts and calls to this guy's number. I'm pretty sure you'll be blown away

Is there anyway to be able to actually look at the texts on her phone or is it PW protected? Don't be surprised if all of the texts to/from him are deleted

Look up the 180 here and implement immeadiately. Move fast. Move decisively. Read up in the coping with infidelity section. You're in for the fight of your life


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

hey everybody,

Thanks for all the input, greatly appreciated. yes i totally agree she is having a EA, unless shes doing it on lunch, the PA isnt happening because she comes home right after work and when she does go out, I know who she is with, verified it. I have all the phone records, yeah its ridiculous. I cant get to her phone, she has it on her at all times, big red flag. There is no fixing this, we are sitting down tomorrow and deciding on who gets what.

I agree on the friend thing, that's what everybody wants. Her saying she doesn't want me to touch her anymore, again big red flag, definitely proves something is going on.
When she is done with something, she is done, so this is done.
Thank You All!!! Good Luck To Everyone!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Drover said:


> I love you but I'm not in love with you = Thanks for being my doormat and paying for a nice place for me to live but you just don't get me wet anymore and he does.
> 
> Athol Kay's book is worth a try.


Uhhh...yeah. This. :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

LostOneForGood said:


> hey everybody,
> 
> Thanks for all the input, greatly appreciated. yes i totally agree she is having a EA, unless shes doing it on lunch, the PA isnt happening because she comes home right after work and when she does go out, I know who she is with, verified it. I have all the phone records, yeah its ridiculous. I cant get to her phone, she has it on her at all times, big red flag. There is no fixing this, we are sitting down tomorrow and deciding on who gets what.
> 
> ...


What was her childhood like?


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

Ok, latest update. There has not been a EA or PA. She allowed me to loo at her messages, even deleted, strictly was helping each other, he has many issues, wow. Which in turn helped her take her mind of things and help him. Ok, next she has been doing nothing since she dropped the bomb on, except hanging out with our friends. We had a long talk the other day and she did not want to talk about splitting things or anything like that. Finally today I couldnt take it anymore, I called our realtor and said list the house. i texted her and told her this, she freaked. It got her to talking. her biggest issue is the friends thing. She said sex with me has always been good, but it made her feel weird. She said she always thought of me like family and she has went with the groove, hoping her feelings would change and it finally hit a wall a few weeks ago for her. That is her biggest hold up right now. I got out of her today that the reason she hasnt been doing anything, is because she is in a tug of war with herself. She wants to snap her fingers and make everything all right, she said she doesnt want to feel this way, but doesnt know how to change her feelings. She wants to go out to dinner tonight. So I believe we will


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

It doesn't make any sense that after 4 years of great sex and marriage she suddenly goes bone dry and has no interest in having intimacy with you because you were friends before that.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How did you check the deleted texts?


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

There were alot of times she pushed away at intimacy, but we still did pretty well. A very good friend of ours, straight says, she is very confused, her biological is in full swing, she still wants the fun life, she still wants you, she is on a emotional roller coaster. She said if she wanted to go, she would go, she is trying to figure out what she really wants. The deal is, if we split, I have to move back to y home state 2 hours away, she know this. She also knows that once I m gone, Ia m gone. If I was staying in town, I think this would be going differently. So our friend says, she wants to be 100% sure of her decision, because of this reason. She goes back and forth to much, we are splitting up, we need to hang this calendar somewhere, i cant afford this place by myself, when we go camping next we should... Its all over the map. 
Oh i got the deleted texts from a program on the computer that backs up the phone.


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