# Second marriage not working but I can't leave my dogs



## Dogmom+1 (9 mo ago)

My first marriage was short lived, 2 years, we had one child, but I had to leave because my spouse was very abusive. I stayed single for 7 years, met my current husband and married him 1 1/2 years later. We've now been married for 14 years. We decided not to have any children. He knew that my child is my world and we were a package deal. In the beginning things were perfect. About years into our marriage he started drinking heavily and he changed as a person. He is verbally abusive to me and has been in front of my child. My child is away at college now and doesn't like to visit because of how my husband treats me and because he's also a jerk to my child. Recently my family visited and the weekend was a disaster. My husband drank too much and was being very hateful to me and making mean comments to me constantly. I could tell my family was less than happy about this, but they didn't say anything to him because they've always liked him and thought it wasn't their place. I have been considering leaving him for a couple months now, but am afraid he won't let me take our dogs. I know this sounds ridiculous to some, but I love my dogs like I love my child. I have asked him to go to couples therapy multiple times and he refuses. He blames me every time we argue and he says really nasty things to me. If I try to explain that he's just being mean he says that's the only way I will listen. He says all of our problems are my fault. I am depressed and cry almost 3 weeks out of every month because of the things he says to me. I feel like I was love bones in the beginning and now I am seeing his true self and he continue s to get worse. I feel like a complete failure if I get divorced again, but I'm also not sure if I can continue to be treated this way.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dogmom+1 said:


> My first marriage was short lived, 2 years, we had one child, but I had to leave because my spouse was very abusive. I stayed single for 7 years, met my current husband and married him 1 1/2 years later. We've now been married for 14 years. We decided not to have any children. He knew that my child is my world and we were a package deal. In the beginning things were perfect. About years into our marriage he started drinking heavily and he changed as a person. He is verbally abusive to me and has been in front of my child. My child is away at college now and doesn't like to visit because of how my husband treats me and because he's also a jerk to my child. Recently my family visited and the weekend was a disaster. My husband drank too much and was being very hateful to me and making mean comments to me constantly. I could tell my family was less than happy about this, but they didn't say anything to him because they've always liked him and thought it wasn't their place. I have been considering leaving him for a couple months now, but am afraid he won't let me take our dogs. I know this sounds ridiculous to some, but I love my dogs like I love my child. I have asked him to go to couples therapy multiple times and he refuses. He blames me every time we argue and he says really nasty things to me. If I try to explain that he's just being mean he says that's the only way I will listen. He says all of our problems are my fault. I am depressed and cry almost 3 weeks out of every month because of the things he says to me. I feel like I was love bones in the beginning and now I am seeing his true self and he continue s to get worse. I feel like a complete failure if I get divorced again, but I'm also not sure if I can continue to be treated this way.


Who has paid for their vet bills and been the one to take them to the vet? If you are the one who is on the care for the dogs or you were on any paperwork where you rescued the dogs or however you got them, then you could take it to court. He sounds mean so if he knew you wanted him yes that's probably what he would withhold. You need to see if there's any paper anywhere that will show you as being the owner of the dogs. Then take that to the attorney. Or you can just disappear with the dogs as long as his name is not on paperwork where he could call police and say these are my dogs and I can prove it.


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## Dogmom+1 (9 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Who has paid for their vet bills and been the one to take them to the vet? If you are the one who is on the care for the dogs or you were on any paperwork where you rescued the dogs or however you got them, then you could take it to court. He sounds mean so if he knew you wanted him yes that's probably what he would withhold. You need to see if there's any paper anywhere that will show you as being the owner of the dogs. Then take that to the attorney. Or you can just disappear with the dogs as long as his name is not on paperwork where he could call police and say these are my dogs and I can prove it.


Unfortunately we have shared the cost and both of our names are on the paperwork. We also both share the responsibility of our dogs. We each treat them very differently though, I snuggle up with them and talk sweet to them. He says they are dogs and we need to treat them that way, he has told me to stop letting them snuggle up to me because they need to respect me. I feel like they do respect me because they listen to me and behave, I don't feel like they have to act like robots. When I became very sick they became very protective of me because I was with them all day everyday, he would always make them stop laying with me when he was home though. They get very upset when he yells and is being mean to me. I worry that they will not feel loved if they stay with him because he tells them to back off if he's had a bad day at work or if they try to snuggle up to him. I just have a very different view on how they should be treated and loved.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dogmom+1 said:


> Unfortunately we have shared the cost and both of our names are on the paperwork. We also both share the responsibility of our dogs. We each treat them very differently though, I snuggle up with them and talk sweet to them. He says they are dogs and we need to treat them that way, he has told me to stop letting them snuggle up to me because they need to respect me. I feel like they do respect me because they listen to me and behave, I don't feel like they have to act like robots. When I became very sick they became very protective of me because I was with them all day everyday, he would always make them stop laying with me when he was home though. They get very upset when he yells and is being mean to me. I worry that they will not feel loved if they stay with him because he tells them to back off if he's had a bad day at work or if they try to snuggle up to him. I just have a very different view on how they should be treated and loved.


He doesn't have any business with dogs. Of course you should snuggle with them and love them. I'm thinking if you got an attorney that he would maybe give you the dogs in exchange for something he wants to keep real bad whether that is a car or a certain amount of money that he would have to divide with you. Talk to an attorney about it. I wouldn't leave my dogs and especially not to someone like that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dogmom+1 said:


> Unfortunately we have shared the cost and both of our names are on the paperwork. We also both share the responsibility of our dogs. We each treat them very differently though, I snuggle up with them and talk sweet to them. He says they are dogs and we need to treat them that way, he has told me to stop letting them snuggle up to me because they need to respect me. I feel like they do respect me because they listen to me and behave, I don't feel like they have to act like robots. When I became very sick they became very protective of me because I was with them all day everyday, he would always make them stop laying with me when he was home though. They get very upset when he yells and is being mean to me. I worry that they will not feel loved if they stay with him because he tells them to back off if he's had a bad day at work or if they try to snuggle up to him. I just have a very different view on how they should be treated and loved.


If he ever mistreats the dogs you should call the police or animal control and report him and put that on record. Then you can petition to get the dogs away from him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He doesn't have any business with dogs. Of course you should snuggle with them and love them. I'm thinking if you got an attorney that he would maybe give you the dogs in exchange for something he wants to keep real bad whether that is a car or a certain amount of money that he would have to divide with you. Talk to an attorney about it. I wouldn't leave my dogs and especially not to someone like that.


I’d suggest the same thing. I’m sure he’d let you and the dogs go for the right amount of money. He sounds like a really horrible, selfish person. Whatever is easiest and benefits him the most is what he’ll want to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please don't ever leave them with him. He sounds awful.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Dogmom+1 said:


> I am depressed and cry almost 3 weeks out of every month because of the things he says to me.


I would suggest you need to tackle this first. To spend most of your time crying and depressed because of things a drunk says to you, it makes no sense. 

If he "makes mean comments" and "says nasty things", you don't need to respond, or feel depressed, and you don't need to blame him for your mood. Get some stability in yourself, and then you'll be able to either leave or fix the relationship.


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## Lapm (10 mo ago)

It’s time to get away from this abusive relationship. Just take the dogs and leave. If you can’t take the dogs to a shelter with you, have a family member or friend take them until you can get settled. Go to marriage counselping by yourself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The dog is the main reason why I'm still in my house, whilst my wife is next door. I can't bear the thought of being without him. He is my wife's dog.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you got family you could go to with the dogs?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't understand this mindset.....if you leave a ****ty marriage you're somehow a failure, but if you remain as a doormat or emotional punching bag you're somehow NOT a failure.

I mean, you can continue to take it and refuse to leave but your marriage is still a failure and everyone knows it.

Leave and take the dogs with you...make him fight you for them and if he bothers then offer him a better settlement in exchange for them.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You might want to record a conversation between him and you with your phone. Don't let him know he's being recorded. Its a long shot, but if you had a recording of him saying, "Dogs are just dogs", it might be useful later.

Ownership of pets is a common topic in a divorce proceeding. You might want to retain a divorce lawyer who can advise you of the steps you can take in your jurisdiction.

You have to teach people how to treat you. He's not going to get better. He's clearly an alcoholic.

This marriage is over.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Pack up your dogs and belongings and leave this asshole. Life is far too short to spend in misery.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Abusers rarely change, OP. You have to leave and go no contact if you ever want to have peace in your life. You’re not a failure if your marriage ends - you’re more than your marriage. Marriage doesn’t define who we are, it’s something we choose to do. To become a partner for hopefully life is a great thing but not with an abuser. I echo the others, divorce and take the dogs.

It will be hard because abusers don’t like to lose, so just stay strong. Be prepared for him to beg you to stay, then be a jerk, then try to get you in bed ...then be a jerk again. I never married one, but dated an abuser and it was both the worst experience of my life yet the best in terms of personal growth. Please stay strong.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think you have been listening to your husband say derogatory things about you for too long. You somehow believe that he will get the dogs by some sort of magic, if you leave him. Make an exit plan. Work on it one step at a time to get away from the abuse. When you are ready to file for divorce and have money saved up to move out, take the dogs with you. It's that simple. It would be quite difficult for him to get the dogs once you have taken them.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Go to a couple of Al -Anon meetings. It's a group for people like you who "love" alcoholics. I put love in quotes because I think you have fallen out of love at this point. Learn about the cycle alcoholism & how it impacts relationships. 

Meanwhile in whose name are the dogs? Who is on the license? Who pays the vet bills? If you can prove the dogs are yours, they are yours. As much as we love our fur-kids, the law doesn't treat pets any differently than the couch. So get your evidence together & act. Otherwise, just leave with the dogs & whatever else you can carry in your car while he's out.


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