# I need help with a questionable situation



## Quickshot23 (Feb 17, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for 2 years. She revealed to me that she went skinny dipping with a guy that she used to date. Now fast forward to today, this guy now works a local store. She goes to this store regularely and when asked if she knew he was working there she said yes. I asked her if she would have an issue with me if I visited a store where an ex worked and she went crazy yelling and screaming. I kept calm about this the whole time and pretty much didnt say a word and she began yelling about random things that we irrelevant like a friend from 4 years ago that I do not talk to anymore. 

What is going on here? Im very confused.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Quickshot23 said:


> I asked her if she would have an issue with me if I visited a store where an ex worked and she went crazy yelling and screaming. I kept calm about this the whole time and pretty much didnt say a word and she began yelling about random things that we irrelevant like a friend from 4 years ago that I do not talk to anymore.
> 
> What is going on here? Im very confused.


Gut feeling: EA or she is thinking about something akin. For pro advice, wait till other people here respond.


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## Quickshot23 (Feb 17, 2011)

I hate this, I do not know what to do anymore.

She literally is losing control

She is saying things like: O what?! So I have to cut my past out of everything?!? Fine lets move out of the state! I wont talk to my family or my friends?!!? LETS GO!

Someone please tell me what is going on...I try to talk and she loses it again

Im so lost


FYI - We both are born again Christians so Divorce is not an option unless the unthinkable is happening

Her past is representative of this story 

My past is not perfect but it is not at the level of things she has done (not trying to say im better but I am trying to explain where this issue stems from)

I dont like her past and I am grateful that she has changed but when things like this happen I question where she is at in her moral/faith/life and it makes me question what I am doing in life

We have a daughter together and she has a son from a previous relationship

help....please


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Quickshot23 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 2 years. She revealed to me that she went skinny dipping with a guy that she used to date. Now fast forward to today, this guy now works a local store. She goes to this store regularely and when asked if she knew he was working there she said yes. I asked her if she would have an issue with me if I visited a store where an ex worked and she went crazy yelling and screaming. I kept calm about this the whole time and pretty much didnt say a word and she began yelling about random things that we irrelevant like a friend from 4 years ago that I do not talk to anymore.
> 
> What is going on here? Im very confused.


Sounds like she went on the defensive straight away.

She's hiding something. 
Don't go into denial like most people do, confront the issue NOW.
Next she'll tell you she had sex with him.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Quickshot

Your wife is doing what they call transference. She is most likely feeling guilty for having feelings for this guy, so she is trying to transfer her guilt onto you to make herself feel better. If u start feeling guilty for challenging her on her involvement with the OM, the she feels better because it is deflecting the blame from her.

The best thing to do in this situation is to keep remaining calm when she goes overboard on you. When she starts having her tantrums, you calmly state "I refuse to talk to you when your being irrational.". then walk away and don't bring it up again. If she keeps attacking, then you repeat what you said, but more firm. Never lose your temper. You have to let her understand that you won't let her take control of the conversation by her deflection and bad attitude. Keep to your guns! Bring the conversation up again when she's ready to talk calmly. If she starts up again, repeat process.

When you do finally have a civil talk with her, you have to be prepared to stand firm in your position...don't let he sway you...and you also must specify the consequences of her seeing this other man. But...you also have to be prepared to follow through with your stated consequences, or else they are just idle threats. The first time you give into hepr pleading and begging that they are just friends, etc, you might as well throw in the towel on your marriage, because then she will realize you aren't going to follow through with your stated consequences. She absolutely has to believe that there are consequences for her behavior in your marriage, and you have to show her how you mean it, or she will lose all respect for you.

Keep us posted. And listen to the other posters that may comment. We've all been here before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Talk is cheap and she will lie, stay calm and gather the evidence that she is or may be behaving inapropreate.
Get the tools you need to keep an eye on her she is up to no good with that kind of behavior and you will need to prove it in order for her face the reality of it all.

So get a voice activated recorder and put it under her car seat. Get a keylogger for the computor and start writing down her activities. GPS are great and start checking Phone bills and credit card account. These things will help in getting to the bottom of this.

So quitly look in to her activites and do not push her, the last thing you want is for her take this thing deeper under ground.

Once you get some hard evidence you will beable to confront her and show her the proof that will confirm her bad behavior and she can turn this thing around all she wants but the proof is the proof and you can't spin that back on you.

In fact she will she spin this back on you..."invading her privacy" what you are doing is invading her secrecy and protecting your self from more deciet.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I think her reaction is strong. I don't think it necessarily constitutes an affair; it could be that there is nothing going on at all, but on being faced with those circumstances, she either knows it could be construed as inappropriate and feels angry about this, or she may have feelings (not necessarily reciprocated, or could be.)

What do you mean by "her past is representative of this story"? Has she done something previously to make you suspicious or had this reaction? Or are you referring to things she has done with previous boyfriends?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

There are several ways to defuse tantrums. When the tantrums don't get the desired result, honest communication sometimes follows:

"How is this helpful?"

"I don't like where this is headed"

In your case, this may be the best one:

"How did this get so big?"

You are just asking an honest question and the key question is this:

"How would it feel if I behaved this way?"


Notice the absence of the word "you" in any of this.

Best to keep that bad boy tucked away.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Quickshot23 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 2 years. She revealed to me that she went skinny dipping with a guy that she used to date. Now fast forward to today, this guy now works a local store. She goes to this store regularely and when asked if she knew he was working there she said yes. I asked her if she would have an issue with me if I visited a store where an ex worked and she went crazy yelling and screaming. I kept calm about this the whole time and pretty much didnt say a word and she began yelling about random things that we irrelevant like a friend from 4 years ago that I do not talk to anymore.
> 
> What is going on here? Im very confused.


So let me get this right......you've become suspicious of her intentions because she goes to a shop where one of her former lovers works?

You're getting upset because in one of her past relationships she went skinny dipping with him? 

How long have you and her been together? How long before you started seeing her did she date this other guy?

How long does she have to live before you forgive her for her past?

On the little bit of information you've given....it sounds like her reaction has more to do with your inability to accept her past than it does about her possibly having an affair. To me anyway....I can't see anything in what you've written that indicates your wife is having an affair with the guy from the shop.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Did she go skinny dipping with this guy while married to you, or was this before your time?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. Same question. I was under the impression she went skinny dipping with this guy after you were married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I was a little confused when I read it as well....so decided to go with the skinny dipping "in the past" train of thought because of the "Now fast forward to today,..." thing.

Because if it happened after they got married....my response would have been totally different.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If she went skinny dipping after the marriage, she's lying and probably had sex with him.

If before you came along... not as big of a deal.

How did you even find out about it?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Some men can't stomach the fact that their wives had a past before them. They feel that their W may begin to miss the good ole days (and the good ole boys), or they feel that their W is comparing them to the exes.


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## Ooogles (Feb 19, 2011)

Quickshot23 said:


> I hate this, I do not know what to do anymore.
> 
> She literally is losing control
> 
> ...


If there was an ex I went skinny dipping with, thinking about him would be like yearning to eat old lasagna leftovers. 

For your man view, let's flip this thing around.

Let's say with 100% certainty that your wife is upright. Are you still bothered that she went skinny dipping with this other man before you? Be honest. 

The unthinkable _*is*_ happening. You are becoming a stumbling block in her faith rather than leading her in it. Read about how the 'woman at the well' was treated.


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