# Being away on your anniversary



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

This is a spin off of WOM's thread, addressing anniversary absences in general and how you might feel if this happened in your marriage.

My husband will be in South America for our anniversary this year. And when we have our 25th in two years, he may not be home, either. We do plan to take a trip somewhere, likely Hawaii, with our kids. It will almost certainly not be on the actual anniversary date.

While it is sad that he cannot be with me this year, and has not been other years, either, it does not affect the fundamental state of the marriage. I think it is because our foundation and communication are strong. 

As the emotionally dependent person in the marriage, I look to him to soothe me first when we argue. He has no problem with this. When I am calm, he shares his perspective, which often makes a lot of sense--sense I could not see in a moment of emotion.

I think if our marriage were not as strong as it is, I might see his absence on an anniversary differently. But as things are, after the initial sting, I think I would quickly adjust. I certainly have in the past.

How about you? How do you think a spouse's absence on an anniversary, 25th or otherwise, would affect you, and why?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Our marriage is strong and we have a small celebration the day of(card/flowers) but we also have something planned like a nice dinner or a get away weekend like we have done the past 4-5 years. So being away on the actual day is not killer because something is planned down for the following weekend or so. Now, for our 25th we are planning ahead and thinking of something to do. Cruise, etc.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

In the early years of our marriage we would celebrate the day we met not the day we married.
We usually forget our anniversary until after it is over (both of us) I don't know when that started happening, probably around 10 years ago or more and because he is usually away on business. We will be married 25 years this year. No big plans tbh. We are rebuilding I think after much damage being done with his drinking, etc over the years. I don't really want to celebrate the marriage because to me, the marriage has been a lot of bloody hard work and pain (there I said it!). At a marriage course we went on a few years ago, I refused to renew my vows, because I didn't want to be a hypocrite, that is what shocked him into starting the first counselling sessions. I knew I would have choked if I had to say vows, I'm not sure if i would do any better now. I like things the way they are, floating along committed but not quite
I am not sure we are putting in the effort needed, but I am not going to pretend, it is what it is. Something died in me in the last few years, I don't know if I will ever get it back.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Our marriage is strong and we have a small celebration the day of(card/flowers) but we also have something planned like a nice dinner or a get away weekend like we have done the past 4-5 years. So being away on the actual day is not killer because something is planned down for the following weekend or so. Now, for our 25th we are planning ahead and thinking of something to do. Cruise, etc.


Yes, we have been talking about the 25th for years. We both want to do a special trip to mark it, like 10 days in Hawaii with the kids. 

But even if that did not happen, it would be okay. The love and commitment, which is the most important thing to both of us, would not be affected in any way.

Tbh, I think Dug forgets about our anniversary most years. He is just not very sensitive to special days. But I bring it up, if only to say I would like to go out for dinner. And by now he knows I expect some sort of love letter.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

aine said:


> In the early years of our marriage we would celebrate the day we met not the day we married.
> We usually forget our anniversary until after it is over (both of us) I don't know when that started happening, probably around 10 years ago or more and because he is usually away on business. We will be married 25 years this year. No big plans tbh. We are rebuilding I think after much damage being done with his drinking, etc over the years. I don't really want to celebrate the marriage because to me, the marriage has been a lot of bloody hard work and pain (there I said it!). At a marriage course we went on a few years ago, I refused to renew my vows, because I didn't want to be a hypocrite, that is what shocked him into starting the first counselling sessions. I knew I would have choked if I had to say vows, I'm not sure if i would do any better now. I like things the way they are, floating along committed but not quite
> I am not sure we are putting in the effort needed, but I am not going to pretend, it is what it is. Something died in me in the last few years, I don't know if I will ever get it back.


It is always good to be honest, aine.

Best wishes resolving all of this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jld said:


> Yes, we have been talking about the 25th for years. We both want to do a special trip to mark it, like 10 days in Hawaii with the kids.
> 
> But even if that did not happen, it would be okay. The love and commitment, which is the most important thing to both of us, would not be affected in any way.
> 
> Tbh, I think Dug forgets about our anniversary most years. He is just not very sensitive to special days. But I bring it up, if only to say I would like to go out for dinner. And by now he knows I expect some sort of love letter.


Same with us, if the 25th celebration was not in the cards, like a cruise and such, it would not make a difference. It is being together and not on the actual day either. Heck, my W and I would be completely satisfied if the evening we celebrated our 25th was held on our back deck. Just the two of us and what the crickets will witness. :grin2:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Same with us, if the 25th celebration was not in the cards, like a cruise and such, it would not make a difference. It is being together and not on the actual day either. Heck, my W and I would be completely satisfied if the evening we celebrated our 25th was held on our back deck. Just the two of us and what the crickets will witness. :grin2:


Absolutely!

When the fundamentals are strong, the details figure themselves out.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Communication, well in advance, is key. If you're both on the same page no problem. 

Sometimes being apart is unavoidable, my annual conference is often around our anniversary (bringing her is not a good idea). Non round number were never a big deal. For our 20th she met me halfway for a long weekend on my way home from the conference. 

Thanks TAM, we finally sat down with a calendar and finalized travel dates for our 25th. She said it was important to her to be there on the exact date. I was thinking about going earlier hoping for better weather.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jld said:


> This is a spin off of WOM's thread, addressing anniversary absences in general and how you might feel if this happened in your marriage.
> 
> My husband will be in South America for our anniversary this year. And when we have our 25th in two years, he may not be home, either. We do plan to take a trip somewhere, likely Hawaii, with our kids. It will almost certainly not be on the actual anniversary date.
> 
> ...


This is exactly the same way love languages work. If you are the type of person where it would be important to you it is incumbent on your husband to get that and not blow it off. You would think after 25 years he would. If not there is something wrong with the communication of the marriage. 

As far the answers to your question I suspect the answers will be all over the place but if I were to put a number on it I would say 75-25 people would expect their spouse to be with them on their 25the wedding anniversary. You imply here that it IS important to you, you just hold your tongue. By the way I think it pretty crappy your husband doesn't want to spend his 25th wedding anniversary with you, and you sucking it up pretty much follows the same pattern of the other posters wife, In your case it's him putting his desires over your feelings. I get now why you think he should suck it up too, because this is the tact that you have taken. But you're wrong. Your husband should know better. It's your 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, you only get one! South American will be there the next day. 

In the other thread your post is essentially - Well I don't feel that way so you are weak because you do.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DH cares not for the day the state formalized our relationship. For him, the anniversary of our union is the day we had our first date and knew what we were to each other. So, the actual wedding date isn't really celebrated much. 

We had our first date December 19. We married 3 years later on December 9. So, we just pick a day we're relatively free of responsibility in December near those dates and spend it together. 

When DH was over the road or regional and couldn't be there for special occasions we'd just celebrate before he left or when he came home, whichever was nearer the actual date.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sokillme said:


> This is exactly the same way love languages work. *If you are the type of person where it would be important to you it is incumbent on your husband to get that and not blow it off.* You would think after 25 years he would. If not there is something wrong with the communication of the marriage.


Actually, it isn't. 

I can ask, but he is not obligated to do anything about it. And if he did it out of obligation, it would not feel meaningful to me, anyway.

The bolded illustrates the attitude that causes so many hurt feelings in marriage: entitlement.



> As far the answers to your question I suspect the answers will be all over the place but if I were to put a number on it I would say 75-25 people would expect their spouse to be with them on their 25the wedding anniversary. You imply here that it IS important to you, *you just hold your tongue*.


:lol:

If you think I hold my tongue in my marriage, you clearly do not know me.



> By the way I think it pretty crappy your husband doesn't want to spend his 25th wedding anniversary with you, and you sucking it up pretty much follows the same pattern of the other posters wife, In your case it's him putting his desires over your feelings.


He would like to spend every day with me, sokillme.

But we are not independently wealthy. So Dug does what the job requires.



> I get now why *you think he should suck it up* too, because this is the tact that you have taken. But you're wrong. Your husband should know better. It's your 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, you only get one! South American will be there the next day.


I do not think WOM should "suck it up." 

I told him to communicate clearly and directly with his wife. I said it in several posts.

Wherever Dug is on the exact date of our 25th anniversary, I will be fine. It is the marriage that is important to us, not the exact date of the celebration. 



> In the other thread your post is essentially - Well I don't feel that way so you are weak because you do.


Again, a false statement. 

Your interpretation of my posts is just that--your interpretation.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jld said:


> Actually, it isn't.
> 
> I can ask, but he is not obligated to do anything about it. And if he did it out of obligation, it would not feel meaningful to me, anyway.
> 
> The bolded illustrates the attitude that causes so many hurt feelings in marriage: entitlement.


You could say that about anything in a relationship. You are big on men inspiring there wives being kind even when the wives are verbally abusive, why is that not entitlement. 

You say it's not important to you, but your post seems to hint to the fact that you have decided to let it go because it's not as important as rocking the boat and he is good husband in other ways.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sokillme said:


> You could say that about anything in a relationship. You are big on men inspiring there wives being kind even when the wives are verbally abusive, why is that not entitlement.


They are certainly not obligated to follow my advice, sokillme. We can only offer help here, not enforce it.



> You say it's not important to you, but your post seems to hint to the fact that you have decided to let it go because it's not as important as rocking the boat and he is good husband in other ways.


I have no trouble rocking the boat, lol.

Every human is limited. We have to accept those limitations if we want to be happy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jld said:


> They are certainly not obligated to follow my advice, sokillme. We can only offer help here, not enforce it.


I notice how you don't answer the question. Are the wives who need a man to inspire them being entitled or not?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I notice how you don't answer the question. Are the wives who need a man to inspire them being entitled or not?


No, they are not entitled. Needing something does not mean you are going to get it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Life sometimes gets too bust and makes it impossible to celebrate special days on the actual date they occur. If you do plan something special around that date that's sometimes the best you can do. We've had to do that several times since I'm sometimes out of town on business when special dates have come up.

You plan do to something for your 25th, it's just too bad that your H can't be with you so you can celebrate on that date.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Life sometimes gets too bust and makes it impossible to celebrate special days on the actual date they occur. If you do plan something special around that date that's sometimes the best you can do. We've had to do that several times since I'm sometimes out of town on business when special dates have come up.
> 
> You plan do to something for your 25th, it's just too bad that your H can't be with you so you can celebrate on that date.


It is in two years, so who knows? 

But it is not a big deal if he is away. It is the love and commitment to our family that is important to each of us. And that has no date.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Well, with two years to go, he has time to put in a request for time off. 😃


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Well, with two years to go, he has time to put in a request for time off. 😃


Lol, it is really no big deal. We will celebrate when he is available.

What a gift it has been to be married to him. I am so grateful for the family we have had together.

Thank you, @Duguesclin.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Well, with two years to go, he has time to put in a request for time off. 😃


Yeah, I'm not sure I understand that he knows that he will be away that far in advance why he can't change the dates of when he will be away. If I were in a good marriage, I would do anything I could do to assure I could make a 25th anniversary and get whatever event that is in conflict changed or just not go. There's not many things that are as important as a 25th anniversary. Not many people make it that far.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Yeah, I'm not sure I understand that he knows that he will be away that far in advance why he can't change the dates of when he will be away. If I were in a good marriage, I would do anything I could do to assure I could make a 25th anniversary and get whatever event that is in conflict changed or just not go. There's not many things that are as important as a 25th anniversary. Not many people make it that far.


When business calls, it calls, jb. 

We will be married until we are dead. So not being together on any one particular day is not really an issue.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jld said:


> Lol, it is really no big deal. We will celebrate when he is available.
> 
> What a gift it has been to be married to him. I am so grateful for the family we have had together.
> 
> Thank you, @Duguesclin.


Honestly, this is one of those rare occasions I agree with you, jld. 😊

My mom and dad were married 25 years in 1998. Their anniversary fell on a Tuesday, I believe. Do you know what they/we did on that day? Nothing. We had a party that following weekend, and that included them renewing their vows. The day, itself, wasn't *the most important thing*. It was the love they shared, the life they built together. That's what mattered. 

Mom and dad made it to 40 years. In all that time, I truly cannot recall a time when they stressed *the day* to be celebrated. More often than not, they woyld do sometging around that day, if anything at all. 

My husband and I just had our 17th anniversary last week. Do you know what we did? Nothing. We/the kids said "Happy Anniversary" and that was, essentially, it. No big meal. No elaborate gifts. No cards. It doesn't bother me in the least. Will we plan anything for our 25th? Maybe, maybe not. If not, it won't bother me. 

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Honestly, this is one of those rare occasions I agree with you, jld. 😊
> 
> My mom and dad were married 25 years in 1998. Their anniversary fell on a Tuesday, I believe. Do you know what they/we did on that day? Nothing. We had a party that following weekend, and that included them renewing their vows. The day, itself, wasn't *the most important thing*. It was the love they shared, the life they built together. That's what mattered.
> 
> ...


No cake?

We usually do dinner out and a cake. 

Nice story about your parents, btw.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jld said:


> No cake?
> 
> We usually do dinner out and a cake.
> 
> Nice story about your parents, btw.


Nope. No cake. I would have had to bake it and I didn't feel like it lol. 

And thank you. 😊

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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I've never heard of anniversary cake, I Googled, and it's a thing :scratchhead:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Nope. No cake. I would have had to bake it and I didn't feel like it lol.
> 
> And thank you. 😊
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


Speaking of cake . . . I think I am going to bake one today. That chocolate crazy cake, the one with no eggs or butter.


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## WhiplashWish (Mar 20, 2017)

If there were circumstances that demanded an absence on the anniversary, I think that's okay. It's unavoidable. Unalterable job responsibilities, family emergencies, etc. When choices are being made, though, priorities shine through, and my priority is to be with my wife on that day each year, every year, not because I *need* to, but because I *want* to. Yes, anyone can celebrate anything on any day they want, but to me and my wife that day is special and beautiful.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jld said:


> Speaking of cake . . . I think I am going to bake one today. That chocolate crazy cake, the one with no eggs or butter.


I've been wanting to try sweet potato brownies. I think I will get the ingredients when I get paid next. (Found it on Pinterest) 😀

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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> I've never heard of anniversary cake, I Googled, and it's a thing :scratchhead:


The only one I ever heard of was saving the top of your wedding cake and sharing it on your first anniversary. Other than that, I would have to call myself clueless, too lol.

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I've been wanting to try sweet potato brownies. I think I will get the ingredients when I get paid next. (Found it on Pinterest) 😀
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


Oh, that sounds good. I have heard of black bean brownies, too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maybe anniversary cake is a regional thing.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

WhiplashWish said:


> If there were circumstances that demanded an absence on the anniversary, I think that's okay. It's unavoidable. Unalterable job responsibilities, family emergencies, etc. When choices are being made, though, priorities shine through, and my priority is to be with my wife on that day each year, every year, not because I *need* to, but because I *want* to. Yes, anyone can celebrate anything on any day they want, but to me and my wife that day is special and beautiful.


Sounds like you and your wife are on the same page, WW. That makes everything easier.


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

I honestly think the husband and I have spent more anniversaries apart than together, but being a military family, it's bound to happen.

We are actually excited for this year, because we think we stand a good chance of him not only being home for his birthday but also for our anniversary.

As far as celebrations go, it's usually just a treat of going out to dinner without any one else. With a house full of people, a hour or so away to just be us can be such a refreshing feeling. But that's the extent of our celebrations. When he's gone, it's just like any other day where we talk as much as we can in between coordinating two time zones.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

These threads have really got me thinking. One of the points here was that some people celebrate the day they met or committed instead of the day of the wedding. Mrs Nail and I celebrated the day we met (every month) up until we got married, then we switched over to the anniversary. But this year I have been giving a lot of presents (I guess I'm developing a new love language) and I bought her a present for our meeting day. It was very well received. 

A short story about people for whom the exact date is important. Mrs Nail is a date keeper, and I have learned the hard way that many dates are important to her. This year I was at a bit of a loss as to what to buy for mothers day, so I asked her. She reminded me that she needed a new purse and that we had already picked one out. So I got it ordered. When it arrived she didn't want to wait until Mothers day to receive it. I knew that this was going to be a problem and had a back up trinket for mothers day. She was surprised and very happy to get something that morning. 

Mile stones in marriage are a big thing. but just reaching a multiple of 10 or 5 does not make it any more important than the day our youngest Turned 18, or left home. Or the day we got over a difference that was threatening the marriage. There are endless important days. My Father Died 8 months before his 50th. so they didn't make the Gold level? no their marriage was golden long before that milestone. My Grandmother was very much hoping for the notoriety of reaching 70, She and my Grand father died (12 days apart) between their 69th and 70th. I think it says something about the strength of their bond that they wouldn't live without each other.

Oh and one other comment. Mrs Nail is very afraid of making commitments, so when she scheduled a day off for our anniversary trip it gave a nice love hit. I think many people here are seeing this as the gift that it can be to reserve a time for each other.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

....NVM........


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well you say spin off but this could actually be a pretty bid departure from the original thread. Here you say he won't be with you on the anniversary and he will be in South America... but the real question is why? Is it for work or some other previous obligation? If so that's very different from the original thread where the wife is voluntarily missing the annivaeatgy to spend time with a friend on vacation.

it isn't that they can't celebrate it a different day, I think most people do that anyway,it's that she was available but prioritized her friend over her husband. I don't know of any man or woman wouldn't look at that without pause.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

This year I had to be out of town on business for our 23rd anniversary. We celebrated the night before by going out to dinner. We also included our teen daughter as her schedule has been such that we never saw her. It was a nice way to celebrate. I'm not super big on celebrations or presents. I have given no thought about our 25th. We will have two in college, so probably no big trip.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Shiksa said:


> This year I had to be out of town on business for our 23rd anniversary. We celebrated the night before by going out to dinner. We also included our teen daughter as her schedule has been such that we never saw her. It was a nice way to celebrate. I'm not super big on celebrations or presents. I have given no thought about our 25th. We will have two in college, so probably no big trip.


Yep, that is expensive. That is part of why we are going to need to plan, too.
@Wolf1974, read the whole thread and you will know why he is away. 

The thread was inspired by WOM's, but has a different focus.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well you say spin off but this could actually be a pretty bid departure from the original thread. Here you say he won't be with you on the anniversary and he will be in South America... but the real question is why? Is it for work or some other previous obligation? If so that's very different from the original thread where the wife is voluntarily missing the annivaeatgy to spend time with a friend on vacation.
> 
> it isn't that they can't celebrate it a different day, I think most people do that anyway,it's that she was available but prioritized her friend over her husband. *I don't know of any man or woman wouldn't look at that without pause.*


Me. If my husband had a good friend who wanted to spend a few days with him, and the only time that he could get off included May 12th, I wouldn't give it a second thought. My husband doesn't go anywhere with his friends. Not out of town/overnight, etc. So, it really wouldn't bother me at all. Considering how often our anniversary coincides with Mother's Day, I am already used to celebrating on a different day, if we do anything specific. So, now you know of one woman who it wouldn't bother. 

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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Me. If my husband had a good friend who wanted to spend a few days with him, and the only time that he could get off included May 12th, I wouldn't give it a second thought. My husband doesn't go anywhere with his friends. Not out of town/overnight, etc. So, it really wouldn't bother me at all. Considering how often our anniversary coincides with Mother's Day, I am already used to celebrating on a different day, if we do anything specific. So, now you know of one woman who it wouldn't bother.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


That's great and all but I meant in real life know of those. You might be an exception objectively not the rule I would say


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Me. If my husband had a good friend who wanted to spend a few days with him, and the only time that he could get off included May 12th, I wouldn't give it a second thought. My husband doesn't go anywhere with his friends. Not out of town/overnight, etc. So, it really wouldn't bother me at all. Considering how often our anniversary coincides with Mother's Day, I am already used to celebrating on a different day, if we do anything specific. So, now you know of one woman who it wouldn't bother.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I hear you. You would be prioritizing your spouse, not yourself.

Andy1001 brought up the idea of Dug following the _Tour_ with a friend for free during our anniversary. I would initially be hurt if I thought we had been going to do something together. But since I am fundamentally a very practical person, I would quickly realize it was a real opportunity for him. 

How can we really be happy if we know we are keeping our spouse from something they love? 

And how meaningful would it be if they caved for us, anyway?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If your spouse LOVES to celebrate an anniversary, "How can we really be happy if we know we are keeping our spouse from something they love? 

And how meaningful would it be if they caved for us, anyway?" 

It'd mean a ton to me if my wife gave up something for my happiness. You use "cave" and I'll use "were empathetic."


All, I'll add before you send this to WOM.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The more I think about it, the more complications special dates seem to bring. It becomes about the special date itself, and not what the special date is supposed to represent. Like not seeing the forest for the trees. And we make ourselves unhappy with all our expectations around it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> That's great and all but I meant in real life know of those. You might be an exception objectively not the rule I would say


Maybe I am an exception. But that doesn't mean I am the only one who feels this way about these things. But, I will say that if it was important to my husband, I wouldn't go on a trip with a friend during that time. And I would not do it out of guilt, either. I would decline the trip for that particular time, and suggest planning a trip the following year, if this year was out. The point is tgat if a milestone is important enough for my husband to give pause, then it is important enough for me to acknowledge and put him first. No way would, or should, either of us feel that we are only doing something for each other out of guilt. 

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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Maybe I am an exception. But that doesn't mean I am the only one who feels this way about these things. But, I will say that if it was important to my husband, I wouldn't go on a trip with a friend during that time. And I would not do it out of guilt, either. I would decline the trip for that particular time, and suggest planning a trip the following year, if this year was out. The point is tgat if a milestone is important enough for my husband to give pause, then it is important enough for me to acknowledge and put him first. No way would, or should, either of us feel that we are only doing something for each other out of guilt.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I agree it's not about guilt. I would says it's more about respecting and caring about your partners need whatever they are. Think that's what love is all about.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Yep, that is expensive. That is part of why we are going to need to plan, too.
> 
> @Wolf1974, read the whole thread and you will know why he is away.
> 
> The thread was inspired by WOM's, but has a different focus.


The why was rhetorical. That was not the point I was making. Sorry it wasn't clear


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> The more I think about it, the more complications special dates seem to bring. It becomes about the special date itself, and not what the special date is supposed to represent. _*Like not seeing the forest for the trees*_. And we make ourselves unhappy with all our expectations around it.


Funny you used the exact analogy my GF used to describe your post. It isn't about the date it's about prioritization of friends over spouses.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Funny you used the exact analogy my GF used to describe your post. It isn't about the date it's about prioritization of friends over spouses.


I guess we are drawing different lessons from it, Wolf.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Our marriage is extremely strong, and one of the reasons is that we take time to mark the milestones. This year we are celebrating 39 years, we will be on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean. We will go on adventures together, and dance in the moonlight. We plan on making love under the stars. That's an anniversary. We treat each other to this every year. Depending on our stress levels, several times a year.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Being away can mean many things. Business obligations, extended family commitments or just a jaunt with friends. I may have misssed an anniversary or two over the last 30+ years as I tend to travel around the world for my job. This is the price of the agreement my wife and I made years ago when starting a family. She wanted to be a full time mom, so I carried the financial load. It worked for a long time because we made it work and we celebrated a little later. We did make it a point however, to be together for the milestones and we never vacationed separately. 

To WOM case, he has a right to be pissed off. His is a milestone anniversary, and she wants to take a jaunt.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> I guess we are drawing different lessons from it, Wolf.


Not really a lesson to be learned here. It is either something you prioritize or something you don't. Certainly a handful of people here are ok not being the priority in a relationship and that's ok. Might not be their love language if you want to call it such things. Time spent is definitely for me so it would be inconvievable to have someone in my life say hey I'm not spending time with you on your birthday, anniversary, Christmas whatever of they were available. For you and some others no big deal. This is probably more about what we are as people. Neither right or wrong just different.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld said:


> How about you? How do you think a spouse's absence on an anniversary, 25th or otherwise, would affect you, and why?


I kinda feel the day-to-day is more important to me than one particular date. Keep in mind this is also coming from a person who was comfortable living together for years, and then not wanting the big marriage celebration in favor of an intimate ceremony, just the two of us. 

However we have celebrated each year we've been together for the past 22 years; not necessarily grand, but at the very least, moments shared. It would depend on circumstance but consideration does speak volumes to me.

Birthdays we make a big deal out of and perhaps treat more special. If I relate your question to a birthday, I'd be pretty gutted if he wasn't around (if plans could otherwise be flexible). Why? Because at the heart of it, as immature as it may sound, it's about holding onto some magic in this life and expressing love. It's one way I get to express my love to him and he's the only person on the planet that is going to give a damn about celebrating with me for mine too. A birthday is simply the excuse to focus on the other person. I love that - both the giving and receiving. It's joyful and fun and worth celebrating!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> I've never heard of anniversary cake, I Googled, and it's a thing :scratchhead:


Okay, wait. Cake changes everything.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Okay, wait. Cake changes everything.


Yeah, I was really surprised to hear this may be an uncommon custom. 

Maybe we just really like cake where I live.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld said:


> Yeah, I was really surprised to hear this may be an uncommon custom.
> 
> Maybe we just really like cake where I live.


Granted, we didn't have a wedding cake..!

How the hell did I miss the memos about cake? 


Although I have lined up surprise birthday cakes in my time.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> I kinda feel the day-to-day is more important to me than one particular date. Keep in mind this is also coming from a person who was comfortable living together for years, and then not wanting the big marriage celebration in favor of an intimate ceremony, just the two of us.
> 
> However we have celebrated each year we've been together for the past 22 years; not necessarily grand, but at the very least, moments shared. It would depend on circumstance but consideration does speak volumes to me.
> 
> Birthdays we make a big deal out of and perhaps treat more special. If I relate your question to a birthday, I'd be pretty gutted if he wasn't around (if plans could otherwise be flexible). Why? Because at the heart of it, as immature as it may sound, it's about holding onto some magic in this life and expressing love. It's one way I get to express my love to him and he's the only person on the planet that is going to give a damn about celebrating with me for mine too. A birthday is simply the excuse to focus on the other person. I love that - both the giving and receiving. It's joyful and fun and worth celebrating!


I don't think it's immature. And even if it were, if it's working for you, why not?

As I have been reflecting on this thread, I've come to realize that it is our expectations that often influence our happiness. 

If we expect our spouse to prioritize a certain day the same way we do, and they don't, we will likely feel disappointed. We may even feel betrayed. And we may feel justified in that feeling of betrayal.

But where is that going to take us? 

I certainly believe that we should be honest and direct with our spouses. Clear and direct communication can prevent and resolve so many difficulties.

But after we've been clear and direct, I think it's a good idea to let our spouses make their own decisions. If we force our way or guilt our way into something, is it going to be very satisfying anyway? 

Replacing entitlement ("I have needs, therefore you must meet them") with gratitude ("Wow, that was really thoughtful! Thank you so much for offering that to me! I know you did not have to do it!") could really up our level of happiness in an otherwise distressing situation.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Life is for celebrating, I don't get it when people are indifferent to it. 

It is not about gifts in my world but about celebrating the great fortune to have such wonderful people in my life. TBH I would be deeply upset if MrH was away for work for a big anniversary, I'm more important than work.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld said:


> I don't think it's immature. And even if it were, if it's working for you, why not?
> 
> As I have been reflecting on this thread, I've come to realize that it is our expectations that often influence our happiness.
> 
> ...


Absolutely agree with this.



jld said:


> But after we've been clear and direct, I think it's a good idea to let our spouses make their own decisions. If we force our way or guilt our way into something, is it going to be very satisfying anyway?


I agree with the sentiment - although I'd hope a spouse wouldn't be arrogant enough to think they were able to manipulate their spouse and loving enough not to try. 



jld said:


> Replacing entitlement ("I have needs, therefore you must meet them") with gratitude ("Wow, that was really thoughtful! Thank you so much for offering that to me! I know you did not have to do it!") could really up our level of happiness in an otherwise distressing situation.


Having gratitude and not taking our spouse (or anything, come to think of it) for granted is helpful.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> Life is for celebrating, I don't get it when people are indifferent to it.
> 
> It is not about gifts in my world but about celebrating the great fortune to have such wonderful people in my life. TBH I would be deeply upset if MrH was away for work for a big anniversary, I'm more important than work.


Plus I hear there's cake.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> Plus I hear there's cake.


and Bubbly >


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> It is either something you prioritize or something you don't. Certainly a handful of people here are ok not being the priority in a relationship and that's ok.


We absolutely prioritize each other and the marriage but most anniversaries and birthdays are merely acknowledged. Ok, since our 20th we've tried to go out for dinner in the after glow, but if it didn't happen so be it. We are both like that, so no hurt feelings. But it doesn't mean we don't prioritize the relationship. ETA, not directed at you personally in any negative way. 

On cake, we had wedding cake, absolutely inedible, yuck. We were told it was traditional English. But it looked really good.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is heartening to see how 'some' of the posters on TAM have matured [to my eyes] over this year + that I have been on TAM.

Just don't expect me to follow zoot. Zoot suit.

Look it up, youngins!

Old Dogs and tricks.....nah, no tricks offered...no trickle truths either...or.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> and Bubbly >


I knew I liked you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> We absolutely prioritize each other and the marriage but most anniversaries and birthdays are merely acknowledged. Ok, since our 20th we've tried to go out for dinner in the after glow, but if it didn't happen so be it. We are both like that, so no hurt feelings. But it doesn't mean we don't prioritize the relationship. ETA, not directed at you personally in any negative way.
> 
> On cake, *we had wedding cake, absolutely inedible, yuck. We were told it was traditional English. *But it looked really good.


That would pretty much be an accurate reflection of my experience with English food.  

No offense, Brits! Many other wonderful things about your country!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> It is not about gifts in my world but about celebrating the great fortune to have such wonderful people in my life.


Totally agree.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> We absolutely prioritize each other and the marriage but most anniversaries and birthdays are merely acknowledged. Ok, since our 20th we've tried to go out for dinner in the after glow, but if it didn't happen so be it. We are both like that, so no hurt feelings. But it doesn't mean we don't prioritize the relationship. ETA, not directed at you personally in any negative way.
> 
> On cake, we had wedding cake, absolutely inedible, yuck. We were told it was traditional English. But it looked really good.


Thank you. You said it better than I could. We absolutely put each other first. But we also acknowledge that life happens, and we cannot control every aspect, including every celebratory day. We are flexible, and make time for each other, whether on the day or a few days later/before. 😊

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

CharlieParker said:


> We absolutely prioritize each other and the marriage but most anniversaries and birthdays are merely acknowledged. Ok, since our 20th we've tried to go out for dinner in the after glow, but if it didn't happen so be it. We are both like that, so no hurt feelings. But it doesn't mean we don't prioritize the relationship. ETA, not directed at you personally in any negative way.
> 
> On cake, we had wedding cake, absolutely inedible, yuck. We were told it was traditional English. But it looked really good.


Again it isn't about the date or celebration. If it is important to your spouse, whatever IT is, and you don't care about it or that they care about it then yes I would say you don't prioritize the realtionship. If your spouse doesn't care about IT, whatever it is , and you don't care about it then you have no issue.

In the original scenario the OP did care about spending time with his spouse on their anniversary. She just didn't care about it and wanted to go somewhere with a friend. That was the problem, not the date


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

jld said:


> That would pretty much be an accurate reflection of my experience with English food.
> 
> No offense, Brits! Many other wonderful things about your country!


Times have changed. We will have at least one night in London for our 25th anniversary trip (keeping it on topic ) and I'm really looking forward to the food. Leaning towards Fera at Claridge's but will read up some more.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Times have changed. We will have at least on night in London for our 25th anniversary trip (keeping it on topic ) and I'm really looking forward to the food. Leaning towards Fera at Claridge's but will read up some more.


When I'm in Britain, I always eat . . . Indian.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

At our house the birthdays are all in December, well 4 out of 6. now that we are almost empty nested, and all of the other Decembers have moved out, I might get a birthday cake this year. Anniversary cake, well I'm not even bringing that one up. We have enough trouble sticking to our diets without leaving a cake around the house. 

We believe in the old misquote that "people who live in glass houses should celebrate anniversaries in the basement." We really never invite the kids, friends, extended family. So there would be no one to eat all of that cake. And . . . .

There is only one cake I really like anymore. My daughter #2 's infamous Burnt cake. When she was in the learning how to cook stage, I brought home a box of Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa. It's getting hard to find now. Anyway she looked up a recipe and made a cake for her friends. They were a bit stunned when it was cut and one asked how she got it burned so evenly from top to bottom. (The cocoa made it BLACK) Since then it has been known everywhere it is presented as Burnt cake. It gets some unusual reactions every time. One time she made one for her church singles group. She labeled it "Burnt Cake". One of the girls came up to her to commiserate and said "It's OK, I can't cook either." 

The event we are attending for Anniversary / eclipse is a family friendly event so I may bring my camp oven and make cookies this year. It is in Bear country, so every crumb will have to find an eater. Could be as close to an anniversary cake as we ever get.


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