# My wife is has mental issues and I dont know what to do.



## maverick2112 (Apr 14, 2011)

We have been together for 11 years and she has been treating me like **** for about 3 months now after I caught her cheating on me for the second time in our marriage. I think its a defense mechanism so she can blame me for her behavior. I really think she hates herself. Now I am to the point where leaving her is no big deal. She doesnt do anything for me, talks down to me, treats me with no respect..........so it isnt the end of the world if we split. I have been a great husband and helped her raise her 2 girls the last 11 years. The only thing I may have done wrong is have a business that was open 7 days a week and was gone alot but I was WORKING. She says she doesnt love me anymore. I am her 3rd husband in the last 15 yrs.........I know.....I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!!

But I swear she wasnt weird until we were married for 3 yrs.....

I would not lose a lot of sleep if just SHE left and left my son to live with me. She is willing to do 50/50 custody.

The only reason I have tolerated this **** is because of my 5 yr old son...........the fact is if she or I leaves then me and him become separated.........that is hard to grasp. I have no respect for her and dont love her anymore for the way she has acted and accept the fact that she REALLY has mental problems that are way to large for someone like me to deal with (fix). She needs professional help. She is a nurse and she thinks she could handle him all by herself if she left me with him. I fear he will be neglected because she basically never spends much time with him but like everything else when I tell her this fact she gets pissed and tells me how wrong I am.
I kept track the past 2 weeks on average she was occupying his time for about 14 hrs..........this week Mon-Wed about 4 hrs so far........

I know this is not a healthy environment to raise a child but I figure it would be way worse for him if I am not around 24-7......

Also her and her mom have a terrible relationship.......a sure sign of trouble that I did notice but didnt know what to do when dating her. They dont even call each other on birthdays, holidays etc.etc.

And the main point is she is in friggin denial to think she can raise him with just her when she is lucky to spend 10 hrs a week with him. 

I would have more respect for her is she said to me she wants to separate but she needs a lot of help with him. Instead she says she can do everything and she has not done hardly anything with him for five years. He idea of spending time with him is taking him to the mall for 2 hours or sitting in her room reading while he is watching tv for 6 hrs straight.

In my past days she would have been kicked to the curb months ago and I would be dating as I write this but I have a desire and need to do whats best for my son.

You see......I never had a desire to have my own kids.......then we had him and I was very very happy......and still am......but I came from a family where I never knew my real dad and I remember all my friends always had dads involved in everything and I never even had a mother who was there that much..........so I told myself no matter what I dont want to screw up his life by not being a great father figure for him.
Life was very hard never having a dad around for me........I DONT WANT THAT FOR HIM. 

Its weird but my wife has no reason to be unhappy........the truth of the matter is she has never really been happy with anything.........we have a nice house, decent jobs, great kids........its just never enough for her. I have been the model husband putting off all I need for her and her kids and our son....

Cant she see how she is screwing up his life by acting like a 20 yr old ...........she is 40..........and found this freind at work who gave up custody of her own 3 kids 4 yrs ago and they go out to the bars about once a week.........Its like she is ahving a midlife crisis and want to be 20 again........MENTAL ISSUES!!!

Believe me $$$ wise and stress wise I would be a lot better without her. And those 2 girls _ helped raise...

She kicked out one of them (21) out of our house 6 months ago and she is living with her boyfriend and his parets and brother........

She kicked the other girl (18) out about 3 months ago and she is living with my twin sister and her family...........

So even her girls cant stand living with her...........she is always complaining and *****ing.......just an unhappy person to be around....





What to do???_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

From your post it sounds like if you were to gain physical custody of your son, you would be out of your marriage in a New York minute. If that's the case, the you may be interest in checking this out. Good luck.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

maverick2112 said:


> We have been together for 11 years and she has been treating me like **** for about 3 months now after I caught her cheating on me for the second time in our marriage. I think its a defense mechanism so she can blame me for her behavior. I really think she hates herself. Now I am to the point where leaving her is no big deal. She doesnt do anything for me, talks down to me, treats me with no respect..........so it isnt the end of the world if we split. I have been a great husband and helped her raise her 2 girls the last 11 years. The only thing I may have done wrong is have a business that was open 7 days a week and was gone alot but I was WORKING. She says she doesnt love me anymore. I am her 3rd husband in the last 15 yrs.........I know.....I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!!
> 
> But I swear she wasnt weird until we were married for 3 yrs.....
> 
> ...


_



Well, Maverick...

I do not see what your question is. I mean i can tell you what the root of your marriage problem is based soley on what you have said here... OR... I can suggest ways to make sure that the child is cared for in a manner you approve of.. I can even tell you how to effectively communicate with your wife. But the truth is that I can not for the life of me understand what you are asking us here. 

When you say " What to do??" I am left wondering... " About What?"

Most of the posters here are pretty rational people and they generally respond in a sincere way. Please take a moment to organize your thoughts and ask specific questions or post specific problems that need to be dealt with so that we can shoot some ideas out at you. 

Based on what you have said here, I can only respond with ... "Calm down, clear your mind, Repost."

Would love to assist, but please clarify yoruself.

( Btw your wife is not mentally ill, she is addicted to the "in love" feeling that new relationships produce) Just FYI. _


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Dude, you know what you have to do. Take your son out of the ****hole she has created and get out while you still can. If you care for your step-daughters you should also help them out.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Maverick,

Sounds to me like the only thing holding you to her is your son. If she figures that one out she'll use that against you or is it too late, sounds like she is with all her talk of she'd and your son would be fine without you. I think its time you spoke to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and kick her to the curb. Your son will be better off to see you happy. You aren't, so protect your rights as a Dad and your son's but get out of that marriage.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I'm so glad you've learned from your own childhood without a father and care so much about your little boy. Above all, he's what is MOST important. I grew up similar, but by mother wasn't around hence why I'm staying civil with her after she betrayed me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maverick2112 (Apr 14, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Well, Maverick...
> 
> I do not see what your question is. I mean i can tell you what the root of your marriage problem is based soley on what you have said here... OR... I can suggest ways to make sure that the child is cared for in a manner you approve of.. I can even tell you how to effectively communicate with your wife. But the truth is that I can not for the life of me understand what you are asking us here.
> 
> ...


I couldnt agree more about the "in love" feeling.......you are right

I am asking if there is a way to get out of this relationship without losing the situation of living with my son.........

I feel like if I leave her then I am leaving him also.......

And maybe she is not mentally ill but she sure cant get along with her kids, me, her mom, her other ex husbands...........if fact at the present moment she has 1 friend......the other girl she has been going out with to the bars once a week.........


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

till your mind settles down a little, and WAY BEFORE you consider blowing this up and confronting her... Start gathering information. Quietly start logging everything (which it sounds like you have begun doing)...

It really sounds cut and dry and you have made a decision. The hardest question people struggle with is "what do I want"... It sounds like thats been resolved for you... You know what you want. Out. You also know you want the best for your child (applause/pat on the back/big thumbs up)... Now that you know that, you begin getting the leverage needed to accomplish your goal... 

Give her rope, log everything. Insulate yourself, begin protecting yourself and your son. Seperate finances where possible, lay and document groundwork to establish the best interests of the child are served with you as primary custodian.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

maverick2112 said:


> I couldnt agree more about the "in love" feeling.......you are right
> 
> I am asking if there is a way to get out of this relationship without losing the situation of living with my son.........
> 
> ...


Is your child in any immediate danger from your wife?


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## maverick2112 (Apr 14, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Is your child in any immediate danger from your wife?


No, she is actually very good to him but she just doesnt spend much time with him with me, my sister, her daughters all of us having him here and there.

She never really spent a lot of time with her 2 daughters either.........its like she just doesnt know how to have fun and be around her kids.

If I could have the perfect scenario happen, it would be for her to change and be nice again to me but I just dont think she loves me anymore and she treats me terrible. So I dont see much of a future for us when I am the only one who is willing to try. She doesnt even want to go to counseling. That alone telles me she is not wanting to try. 

I dont think she is thinking about how much work it is to be a single custodial parent..............


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

maverick2112 said:


> No, she is actually very good to him but she just doesnt spend much time with him with me, my sister, her daughters all of us having him here and there.
> 
> She never really spent a lot of time with her 2 daughters either.........its like she just doesnt know how to have fun and be around her kids.
> 
> ...


Ok, I dont know your exact situation, and I do not know her real position, as I am sure you dont either, but what you have done is painted us a mental picture. That mental picture of her is one of a party girl, making up for a lost time of exploration and pleasure. The early 20's that most people have... you know, the drinking, dancing, partying and free spirit that people get to do before they commit to anything. 

If that is the actual case, and you two are truly on two different paths, then it might be a good idea to stop fighting her and give her what she wants. 

If you are already detached from her, and you are only concerned with the child, then it would be very likely that the child would only hamper her ability to engage in her " journey of self".

With that said... I might just start by actually encouraging her to go out and party.. " Hey I will watch the kid, you go have fun!" At the same time you would want to paint the situation as dreadful... if she were to keep the child. 

I would be willing to bet that if she is deep into her "journey of self" that she would agree to let you have custody. You only have to paint that picture to her. That she can enjoy her hedonistic lifestyle and that you will be more than happy to let her do it. All you need is the child. 

now... That is all based upon what you have said here. That would not normally be my advice, but if she is like you say she is.. then there is no way that she would be good for raising the child and he would only get in her way. Are you with me so far?

If she is totally gone from your heart and mind, then the best thing that can happen to you is that she gets arrested for a DUI or something.

That is reality. Zero sympathy just hard truth.


If you were wondering if you love her or not... Think about what i just told you. If you want to puke, then you love her still, and you are not really ONLY concerned with your son. If it sounds like a good idea, then you dont even need to worry about the relationship. Do it, and save your son.


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## maverick2112 (Apr 14, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Ok, I dont know your exact situation, and I do not know her real position, as I am sure you dont either, but what you have done is painted us a mental picture. That mental picture of her is one of a party girl, making up for a lost time of exploration and pleasure. The early 20's that most people have... you know, the drinking, dancing, partying and free spirit that people get to do before they commit to anything.
> 
> If that is the actual case, and you two are truly on two different paths, then it might be a good idea to stop fighting her and give her what she wants.
> 
> ...


Its crazy you brought up the DUI thing..........I was thinking this very thought a few weeks ago on a friday when she was out on the town. She doesnt take drinking a driving seriously and if she got a dui maybe she would wake the ###k up. I swear it would open her eyes. When I tell her she better be careful she shrugs me off like I am nagging or something. She is a nurse and a dui would not be good for her job either. I actually have a friend who is a cop and tells me they pull over all kinds of drinkers on the weekends. Its only a numbers game with her.........sooner or later her and her friend will get pulled over leaving the bar.

Another thing thats crazy with her is she cant drink for ****.......shes goes out, gets drunk, then has a hangover for the next 2 days and swears she is done drinking until maybe 10 days later when she forgets about the hangover. Its like I am watching a child who keeps slamming the door on his foot but never moves his foot. She just doesnt grasp the fact that she cant ddrink at 40 like she could at 20. 

The only problem with this is she only goes out about once every 10 days.....maybe every other weekend.......she really has a hard time during her womans monthly episode so thats one week where she feels so bad she doesnt want to go out.........then in the other 3 weeks she goes out about twice. Thank god her job is demanding it somewhat saves her from herself. She started treating me terrible when she started going out with this friend at work. This friend is a mother of 3 that gave up custody of her 3 kids and only has them every other weekend. This new girl friend has her ear now and I am sure is telling her how great life is single etc. etc. She is a weirdo too.......what woman would lose or give up custody of her 3 kids at 32.......she is 35 now and my wife is 40.
I mean its crazy thinking of these 2 women out carousing the bars at 45 and 40 5 yrs from now. As you can tell my wife is easily influenced..............

Thanks for your comments..........It helps to think I am not going crazy thru all of this nonsense.

The funny thing is that after 2 yrs she is the one that demanded we get married..........i would of been fine living together for a couple of years


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## maverick2112 (Apr 14, 2011)

you know after writing all this I realize what it is that i feel.........

I feel like I am letting my son down by not having a successful marriage..........

I know that sounds crazy (especially when so much of this is out of my control) (and god knows it take 2 to make a successful marriage)

but thats kinda why I have been putting up with so much crap for the last 4 months...........

I really dont want to let him down..............


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## maverick2112 (Apr 14, 2011)

I have been pondering with the idea of separating but living in the same house and coming and going as we please..........

Does something like this ever work???


I dont even know if this would work..........just brainstorming.........


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

no it doesn't work. not usually.. when it does, it is rare.

I get that this is all new to you, and that your gut reaction is to FIX FIX FIX, but right now you even know if you need a hammer or a screwdriver to fix the problem. You see the hole in the boat and you are inclined to just shove things in the hole.

So a person in your mental state does what comes naturally.. he fixes.. by shoving things in the hole... so now you got a cannon ball in the hole, a patch made from the sails, you boarded it up with wood from the rudder... and be for you know it the hole is poorly patched up and even though the leak stopped, you have no sails to move, no cannon balls to defend yourself, and no way to guide the boat.

So STOP doing, and start thinking.

Calm down, and look at the situation with no emotion, only logical. Read about forgiveness, trust and think about all you will have to do in order to make this work. Think about her, and the kind of person she has become.. think about her potential to recover from this behavior and analyze your expectations. Do a lot of list writing and self analysis. 

You have a long way to go before you're even ready to make a decision here, and if you start taking actions before a decision is made, you are going to make things much worse. Like a child that tries to fix a broken lamp.. they usually make it unrepairable, right?

Usually when i read people's posts, i try and figure out where they are int eh communication process. Most times people have no idea how to communicate effectively with the ones they love. I mean they feel like "They dont listen to me" or "they dont care about what i am saying" And there is a feeling of " If i could just get them to understand what i mean and what i am saying..." 

In my opinion, you have a complete disconnect from your wife. Not even close to anything resembling a communication that works. 

If you walked into a therapists office today, you would spend 2 months just trying to organize your feelings and to be honest, your relationship would end during that time alone. you need to take an active role in deciphering your feelings and position. You need to understand your expectations and convey those to her. you need to understand her expectations and realize what she is talking about. 

I am not saying you are completely weak and lost. I am just saying that you are standing in a filthy mess that you are tasked to clean, and you are forced to just sit there and look at it wondering "where the hell do i start"

That is where you are at. You need to figure out where to start, and that begins with you. 

No matter what you think, your son has nothing to do with how you feel about your wife or yourself. 

My guess is that you are not in a strong enough state to say " This is wrong i am leaving" and you are not in a weak enough state to say " OMG!! PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME!! WAHHH!!!"

You need to organize all of this stuff in your head and take a position. Then you can make a decision and act upon that decision.

Don't even think about doing ANYTHING until then.


When you decide to start organizing your thoughts, and building up a base of knowledge to help take actions ... when you are ready to effectively communicate that message to decision to her... then we can start acting!


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## maverick2112 (Apr 14, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> no it doesn't work. not usually.. when it does, it is rare.
> 
> I get that this is all new to you, and that your gut reaction is to FIX FIX FIX, but right now you even know if you need a hammer or a screwdriver to fix the problem. You see the hole in the boat and you are inclined to just shove things in the hole.
> 
> ...


You have hit the nail on the head here. I am 48 and have been thru I think almost everything but I find myself in a position of crazyness, never ever thinking that this would happen to me. Once I thought we had a child together I figured we would be together forever........I do just jump into these kind of things, have always been very careful. So I will admit I am lost and dont know where to start when she wont even try to discuss anything. 

*"No matter what you think, your son has nothing to do with how you feel about your wife or yourself. "*

Reading this makes me feel a little better...................

This whole situation could possibly even be taking out of my hands if she chooses to leave the house and separate me. I really think she has her eyes set on the single life or has her eyes set on another guy. I dont really see what I can do but let her leave and try to be pleasant and not fight with her about it.

Whats funny now is she hardly responds to my talk or my texts but if she moves across town with our son she will have to be getting ahold of me daily for him. If I play her game and not respond I could be ignoring my son calling me wanting me to come get him...........so I cant play her childish game.......... 

*My guess is that you are not in a strong enough state to say " This is wrong i am leaving" and you are not in a weak enough state to say " OMG!! PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME!! WAHHH!!!"*

This is exactly the case...........if fact I was going to leave 2 months ago and on one hand I am glad I didnt cause I have spent every night since then with my son but on the other hand I dont think she will ever truly appreciate what she had in me until I am gone for a while. So takes for granted a lot that i do.........


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