# What about the kids?



## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

I am curious to know if anyone can give some input. I have been married for 5 years and we have two daughters 5 and 3. My husband and I have been up and down the past few years, mainly down, and I am not happy in our marriage. I know I want out, but he will not agree to it. we have tried the marriage councilling, and two different councillors have said the same thing, that they don't knwo why I am still with him, and that for us to not bother going back until He takes care of his drinking and his personal issues. Throughout the past few years I have been also dealing with a depression, and I believe it is partly caused by ny husband, not completely that’s for sure, but partly. Anyways, my concern/question is about the kids. If I break off the marriage because I have feelings for someone else, am I giving up rights to my kids, or is there any damage done to me having custody of the kids. I am not going to demand them full time, but even split, but I am wondering if I end it because of feelings for someone else, do I lose rights to my girls? Does anyone know, has anyone been in this situation? My husband thinks that I have no feelings for him (which he knows that I have no feelings for him) because of the depression and I have no feelings for anyone, and he won’t leave because he thinks I am unstable. But, if I tell him I do have feelings for someone else (although I know I would never end up with this person) I am afraid that he can take the kids because I ended the marriage because of someone else. I hope I am making sense. Please if anyone has info, or advise or anything, please let me know. 

Thanks


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

One, you should not leave your marriage based on feelings for some one else. Leave him because of the damage he has caused.

Two, I would think his drinking would have more of a bearing on the custody issues than your involvement with some one else.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

yep, Amp has it right. Getting attached to anyone else is a huge added mess you do not need right now, and your kids will need plenty of time to adjust to a new way of life w/o you introducing someone new.

Please document his alcohol use and associated behaviors, as dispassionately as you can--"He's been a mean stinking drunk" does not carry anywhere near the weight of "June 13, 7 pm: He arrived home after drinking at XX for X hours; drove himself. Alcohol on breath, slurred speech." If he EVER has the kids when drunk, he is endangering them, plain and simple, but you will need to prove it before you expect a court to address it. Do not hesitate to call the cops if he is driving drunk--it may be the only way to save lives (his, innocent strangers, your kids). Some people need jail time to realize how out of control their drinking is. He may sober up if you leave, but you don't want to risk him having unsupervised custody while he still has a drinking problem.

And, just in case you missed it--leaving for someone else is a mistake, plain and simple. Leaving b/c your marriage cannot be repaired and learning to be a single and strong parent is priceless for you and your kids. There are no shortcuts. Do the right thing.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

Yes, I totally agree, and I think I worded it wrong. I would never ever leave my marriage becuase I felt something for some other person. that is not what I meant. I meant that my marriage is over due to EVERYTHING, and drinking is just part of it. I have been very open lately with my husband telling him that it is over in my mind and I want him to leave. He will not leave becuase he thinks that I have no feelings for him just becuase I am depressed, but if I had feelings for someone else then he would understand and leave. I need to be alone, and that is the bottom line, just me and my girls and figure out who I am and what I want. But I am wondering if I tell him there are feelings for someone else to get out of the marriage and make him realise that I am not a empty feelingless person, I am just feelingless towards him, can he take the kids on me.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

daisykay said:


> Yes, I totally agree, and I think I worded it wrong. I would never ever leave my marriage becuase I felt something for some other person. that is not what I meant. I meant that my marriage is over due to EVERYTHING, and drinking is just part of it. I have been very open lately with my husband telling him that it is over in my mind and I want him to leave. He will not leave becuase he thinks that I have no feelings for him just becuase I am depressed, but if I had feelings for someone else then he would understand and leave. I need to be alone, and that is the bottom line, just me and my girls and figure out who I am and what I want. But I am wondering if I tell him there are feelings for someone else to get out of the marriage and make him realise that I am not a empty feelingless person, I am just feelingless towards him, can he take the kids on me.


no not at all , if you dont have feelings for your husband & instead you do have feelings for someone else , it has nothing to do with your parenting skills .

If you think he will certainly leave once he knows that you are not empty feelingless person & you are pretty much capable of loving someone else , just not him , then may be the best thing would be to be honest with him . He doesn't have the right to take the kids just because you are ending the marriage & have feelings for someone else .


Best of luck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're kidding yourself if you think you can just say you met someone else and he will then just walk away. Chances are better he'll make your life a living hell trying to find out WHO you met and go from there.

If you want out, just man up and take steps to get out. You will never get what you need by lying or manipulating.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

He has a drinking problem. That ends a couple of ways, death, insanity, or prison. ALWAYS. Unless he gets into recovery, it's pointless to carry on with him in any way shape or form.

Get yourself to Al-Anon. Considering sharing custody with someone with an active drinking problem sounds insane to me and getting yourself into a program to help you deal with the effects his drinking has caused in your life (Such as the depression) will be an enormous help to you. Plus, there are people there that you can talk to that will truly understand what you are going through in ways nobody else can.

If you have feelings for someone else, keep them on the back burner until you have your life in a situation that is healthier for yourself and your children. Anything else is just not fair to them or you. If those feelings between you are real, then they will wait until you have a stable lifestyle to offer.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

He has me convinced that he doesn't have a drinking problem. He drinks about a 12 pack a night. This past week (since our marriage councillor appt. ) he has stopped during the week and just drinks thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, and a case, or more a night, by himself on the couch and passes out. It does not interfere with his work. I hate the drinking and have told him repeatedly, and he makes me drink with him. I will have a glass of wine the whole night, and he says that I drink with him so we both have the problem. I am so lost, as I am sure you have all noticed, I am all over the map. I do see a socail worker, and I am on meds for my depression, and it does help tremendously. But, he holds that against me and says I am sick and he won't leave becuase I am sick, and bla bla bla. I know deep down that I am done in the marriage. I am agreeing to go to councelling and so on for him, but it is over in my mind. He has even talked about it with me and said when it ever gets to that point, that I should not leave, he will leave, he does not want the kids to go into some small rental appt. But when the time comes down to it, he just won't leave. And the more nad more I go over my finances, I just don't see how it is financially possible for me to leave. I have no one around that I can go live with for a little while. I am just so lost. Sorry for rambling.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

What is convincing you that he doesn't have a problem? Counselors have told you so, your own eyes told you so, why would you listen to him?

Makes you drink with him?

Honey, I'm sorry, but there is co-dependent written all over this. That's why Al-Anon would be such an important group for you to look into.

No one is saying kick him out this very moment. Get help for yourself. That should be the top priority now. Ask you social worker for a list of Al-Anon meetings near you or to talk to a counselor that is familiar with alcoholism/addiction. 

Then, start to get your finances in order so that you are able to care for yourself and your children. 

None of this has to be done today, but taking small steps to bring yourself a brighter future will help you have some hope, and that hope will also help relieve some of the depression.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

daisykay said:


> *He has me convinced* that he doesn't have a drinking problem. He drinks about a 12 pack a night. This past week (since our marriage councillor appt. ) he has stopped during the week and just drinks thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, and a case, or more a night, by himself on the couch and passes out. It does not interfere with his work. I hate the drinking and have told him repeatedly, and *he makes me drink with him*. I will have a glass of wine the whole night, and he says that I drink with him *so we both have the problem*. I am so lost, as I am sure you have all noticed, I am all over the map. I do see a socail worker, and I am on meds for my depression, and it does help tremendously. But, *he holds that against me* and says I am sick and *he won't leave becuase I am sick*, and bla bla bla. I know deep down that I am done in the marriage. I am agreeing to go to councelling and so on for him, but it is over in my mind. He has even talked about it with me and said when it ever gets to that point, that *I should not leave, he will leave*, he does not want the kids to go into some small rental appt. But when the time comes down to it, he just won't leave. And the more nad more I go over my finances, I just don't see how it is financially possible for me to leave. I have no one around that I can go live with for a little while. I am just so lost. Sorry for rambling.


 Do you see how the bolded parts are what YOU have control over, yet you CHOOSE not to?

This is completely in your hands, yet you allow him to manipulate you. It isn't HIM doing these evil things to you; it is YOU accepting it and doing nothing. 

Until you are ready to stop participating in the game, nothing will change.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

But how? How do I leave/get him to leave? How do I afford it. I am worried about the kids in all of this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You get your lawyer to kick him out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kids? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that drinking a case of beer every night is what a normal family does?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

"MODERATE" drinking (not "social" drinking, which is even less) is 1-2 drinks for a man/night. That is 1-2 beers, 1-2 4 oz. glasses of wine, or 1-2 mixed drinks with 1 oz alcohol each. Even moderate drinking has health consequences. 

He is delusional and you are enabling. This puts your children at risk. You need a lawyer so that you can protect the kids from him and his drinking--this is not to punish him, no matter how much he accuses you of that. Children in the care of an alcoholic are at serious risk, both for life-long psychological damage AND at risk of death due to negligence, drunk driving, etc. 

It is scary b/c you have been accepting his point of view for so long you can't see what is real. Get away, and after a few weeks you will begin to see more clearly. Good luck.


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

You talk about lawyers, I don't think it needs to be brought to that. I know I sound like a fool becuase I am about to defend him, but as much as I hate the drinking, he has never caused harm to the girls, or driven drunk, or it has never interfered with his work, I am just worried that it will one day, but that is living a "what if" life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then what are you even here for?


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## daisykay (Mar 17, 2010)

ouch?!?!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry for sounding rude, but you came here to say you want out, and then you say he's not that bad, when we suggest getting a lawyer to end your marriage, which is basically what you do when you want to divorce. Do you want out, or not? If you don't, say so, so we can give advice on fixing the marriage. If you do, let us know and we'll continue to give you advice on how to get out.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The "what if" life is unhealthy when the odds of something happening are low. YOU ARE MARRIED TO AN ALCOHOLIC. The odds of something bad happening b/c of his alcoholism ARE VERY HIGH. It is not a matter of "if" something bad happens, it is a matter of "when" and "to whom."

Furthermore, given his drinking, he CANNOT be a fully engaged parent, and the kids know it (on some level). Do you think they will want to bring home friends as they get older? Do you think they will love and be proud of their dad? Most of the time, children of alcoholics harbor DEEP anger and resentment at the alcoholic parent AND the parent who allowed the issue to go unaddressed. This anger also then goes unaddressed, and the kids do the only thing they know as a way to deal with deep, bad feelings--they DRINK. They become alcoholics.

You are afraid to admit how bad it is, I'm guessing, maybe b/c then you will feel guilt/shame/fear/anger, all of them or whatever. Please, do not waste your time regretting the past. Accept what has been said here--a lot of us know from personal and/or life experience, professional training, etc. You cannot change the past and you cannot make him well. All you can do is take the steps essential to protecting your kids--protecting them physically and emotionally. They need counseling to deal with the fact that their dad is an alcoholic. They need to learn they are not to blame and that they can't save him, either. They need to learn how to vent their anger in healthy ways and how to prevent themselves from being drawn to partners similar to their dad in the future. They need to learn it is ok to love him even while hating the illness and even while refusing to let the illness damage their lives. We aren't judging you, we are just trying to say that your instincts are spot-on and you need to make plans to move on, and b/c of the alcohol issue, you will need a lawyer and you will need to insist on sole custody and supervised visits for him until he is totally sober for some time. He cannot be allowed to do any more damage to them than has already occurred (and you if don't understand how damaging a drunk parent is, read up on it), and you are the only one who can stop him from doing it.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

DK,
I can see how challenging it must feel when you are depressed but have to deal with such a major life decision such as separation/divorce. Even the mentally strong and normally happy people buckle under the pressure of separation/divorce, and I want to make sure that you'll be ready for yourself and your kids if it comes to that. If I understood you correctly, you want to make a story of an EA so your H would be angry enough to leave you, but you have no actual desire of starting an EA. Since he uses your depression as an excuse of not leaving you (i.e. he won't leave a poor, sick wife) and ignoring your pleas of unhappiness, you want to prove to him that you can have feelings for other men therefore well enough for him to just leave you.... You're also afraid that he might use your depression or fictitious EA as an excuse to take the custody away from you. That's why you want him to leave you, instead of you deciding to leave him...

You're afraid, and that's completely understandable. You will need to know whether you are strong and ready enough to weather the storm if you go through separation and divorce for yourself and your kids. 

I'd venture to say that the best course of action might be if he gets help for his alcohol addiction problems, and you continue to get stronger and healthier by working with your social worker. Are there other people, hopefully with authority or ones that he respects, who can help him to face that he has alcohol problems? Perhaps your marriage counselor or social worker? 
There got to be some people who can get through to him...

Meanwhile, I hope that you find the courage to love and feel good about yourself. I'm sure that you're a loving mother, and you'll find a way to be strong and happy for them. All kids want to see their parents happy .

Lots of hugs to you.


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