# Leave him and move on or stick with him



## Life Happens (Sep 15, 2012)

Hi Everyone,

I met this guy at work "Steve" I'll call him. We are both in our mid to late 20's and after many drunken happy hours and blacking out in each others beds (only kissing, nothing else) Steve and I started dating. He told other co-worker buddies that I was the best girlfriend and that he wanted to end up with me. After about 3 months I realized that him and I were polar opposites. I was more emotional and free spirited. He was more conservative, stubborn and not very emotional whatsoever. I started taking Accutane for my acne and became severely depressed and unbalanced and it was tough for Steve to deal with but he stuck it out. But the more emotional I got the less him and I would spend time together and he started partying with his friends again. I didn't feel like a solid couple and threatened to break up many times and he tried to make it work but would continue to party with his boys instead of seeing me. We fought every single day for several months about it. In total, we dated 8 months. The last straw for me was that he flaked out on our dinner plans because he was getting drunk with our co-workers. And the last straw for him was that we were supposed to go to a baseball game and I met up with him too late and we missed it.

We broke up and things at work were awkward. He would IM me on messenger every single day to talk. I never initiated because I wanted to get over him. It was hard seeing him everyday and I realized that I just didn't want anyone else. And we would talk normally all day long via messenger.

Eventually, we started getting hotel rooms, which he would pay for even though he was frugal. We would basically have the best sex we ever had and cuddle all night. Sometimes we would go out for dinner. i asked him to see a movie with me once and he said that we shouldn't date because we already failed.

One day he was playing with my cell phone and I started playing with his. I saw texts messages from our receptionist and asked him about it. He didn't seem bothered that I saw it but I was livid. A few weeks later I noticed the receptionist always getting uncomfortable around me and I confronted her about what was going on. She then told me that she has went out to happy hour and slept at his house three times but it was on the couch. But she only lived maybe 15 minutes walking distance from him. When I told her that him and I were still having sex she was very surprised. She told me that nothing happened between them but I could do better. She texted Steve telling him I confronted her and he was livid and said "She doesn't deserve to be called out because nothing happened and I want to end this. End everything, everything!"

Steve and I saw each other at work and I didn't pay him any mind but he continued to reach out to me to see how I was. Co-workers who were close to the receptionist told me nothing happened between Steve and the receptionist when she slept over. Steve and I started hooking up again and he accepted a job 8 hours away. This time we became closer and his move really affected us as I never thought I would see him again. I went to his good-bye happy hour where I found out that he had been dating another co-workers friend. I confronted him at happy hour and he said that he did date this girl, liked her and kissed her but didn't know if there would have been a third date. I let it go...

I have been traveling down to visit him and he tells me that he knows he loves me and wants to make things work but his feelings confuse him since we already failed at our first relationship. I found out from a co-worker recently that the receptionist stayed in his bed 2 out of the three times. I confronted Steve and he replied "She didn't sleep on the couch every time but nothing happened" with no other explanation. So technically he lied to me. He justified it by saying that we were broken up

Also, I am no saint because I have dated too and kissed other guys and kept it from him since we were broken up. But since he had relations with co-workers and friends of co-workers it makes me upset that I had to put up with that at work every single day and it was unbearable most of the time. I would cry in my cubicle.

I don't know how I should feel. Should I have more pride and say "Seeya later" to him or should I stick it out since he is now willing to see where things take us. Should I have more pride or should I let it go. I am supposed to fly out to see him in a few days and I don't know what to do. Should i enjoy this last time with him?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Life Happens said:


> ... and after many drunken happy hours and blacking out in each others beds (only kissing, nothing else) Steve and I started dating ... he tried to make it work but would continue to party with his boys instead of seeing me. ... The last straw for me was that he flaked out on our dinner plans because he was getting drunk with our co-workers.


I read your entire post, but this is what stood out to me. You are involved, to some degree, with an alcoholic. Okay, let's just say he likes to party too much or he is alcohol-dependant.

Nope.

I've been involved with an alcoholic for 20 years, been in Al-Anon for 16. I can spot one a mile away.

How about your drinking habits? Do you drink normally, as a rule, and just get trashed when you're with him? I did this with my husband. I don't care about drinking one way or the other, although I enjoy a good glass of Cabernet with a steak. Other than that, once I left hubs, I discovered drinking was of no particular interest to me.

At the very least, when someone is drinking to the point of blacking out, they aren't really sure WHAT they did ... besides "just kissing."

Dump this guy like radioactive plutonium. Look at your own drinking patterns. And let this serve as a lesson in life.

He is a drunk. He is a liar (which drunks just happen to be). And he is no good for you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Prodigal nailed it. 

You're jumping through an awful lot of hoops for someone who is not committed, will never be committed to you, and who doesn't fulfill any role in your life except drinking and f*** buddy. 

Is that really all you think you deserve in your life?


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## Life Happens (Sep 15, 2012)

I know it's a lot to read and thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to me. Honestly, I don't really like drinking at all but I do it with him because it makes time pass by easier. He has some nervous energy to him.

I love to eat healthy and go hiking. Take walks and stare at the stars at night. He is kind of boring - has no interests in any of those things. Eats very unhealthy and loves going out with his buddies to drink. He has definitely calmed down a lot since I met him. 

He used to be a really ugly nerd who used to get bullied all the time. Went to college with terrible cystic acne and braces. Finally by his softmore year his acne cleared and braces were taken off. He is known for his gorgeous smile and grown into a handsome man. Joined a frat and still to this day is very close with his frat boys. I think this is why he drinks still. But his frat boys are actually good guys nothing typical. They're pretty down to earth and have serious girlfriends that they are faithful to. They are all 29-30 years old.

Sometimes I even feel that he is so passive and awkward that a drink helps loosen him up. He likes finance and politics and I like talking about life and feelings. He'll be emotionally cold when sober (he hates talking about his emotions) but the moment he has one drink he'll let everything that has been bottled up flow out. 

Why do I love him so much. Everyone adores him at work so much. But if they really knew who he was they would realize that he is a true Gemini - there are two sides to him.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Move on.

He is a shy man who needs alcohol to loosen up then he becomes life of the party. He cheated on you & your history is full of lies. He upsets you more than he makes you happy.

Why do you have to fly to see him? If he wanted to see you, he would fly to see you.

He wants you as FWB, nothing more.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You should have dumped him in Month 3. This relationship is toxic.

And this is exactly why I think it's a bad idea to mix your professional life with your private life. Just...no way.

End it finally and move on.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Life Happens said:


> I know it's a lot to read and thank you so much for replying. It means a lot to me. Honestly, I don't really like drinking at all but I do it with him because it makes time pass by easier. He has some nervous energy to him.
> 
> I love to eat healthy and go hiking. Take walks and stare at the stars at night. He is kind of boring - has no interests in any of those things. Eats very unhealthy and loves going out with his buddies to drink. He has definitely calmed down a lot since I met him.
> 
> ...


You will never be able to walk tall when you have to stoop to another person's level.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Life Happens said:


> Why do I love him so much. Everyone adores him at work so much. But if they really knew who he was they would realize that he is a true Gemini - there are two sides to him.


I think the question that begs answering is why do you claim to love him so much? What is appealing about a man who needs to drink in order to express himself, lies to you, and cheats on you with other women?

Uh, no, he is not a true Gemini; more likely a true alcoholic.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

This is a very toxic relationship. You aren't married to him; you don't have children. You are, also, very young. 

You need to lose him. It doesn't matter that he was ugly younger or made fun. What matters now is how he treats you. If he needs alcohol to open up, then you don't want anything to do with that.

Move on.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

LifeHappens, your guy friend is an alcoholic, and it seems that his world and yours revolves around bars, happy hours, getting drunk, sleepovers. I suspect you too are a drunk.

Hey, the party's over and it is time to sober up, grow up, and get real.


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## Life Happens (Sep 15, 2012)

Walter White, I don't mind when people are blunt. But I do mind when people make inaccurate assumptions and pass judgement for no reason. Love is blind and I can't help my feelings, which is why I made this post - for guidance..not to be judged or attacked. Have some respect. 

Like I have said...I do not enjoy drinking and do it maybe once or twice a month. And it's only a couple glasses of wine. It's just not for me.

Clearly now, I know that Steven isn't the one for me. i hope to meet someone who balances me out and can enjoy the outdoors with me. I hope he can meet someone who helps him grow up out of the frat boy stage.

Thank you everyone for you're advice (accept for you WalterWhite) this has helped me make my decision to move onto someone who is a much better fit.

I seriously appreciate it!


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## CarrWalterl (Sep 17, 2012)

I discovered drinking was of no particular interest to me.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

bail out now! It sounds like you guys have an unhealthy relationship.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Life Happens said:


> Walter White, I don't mind when people are blunt. But I do mind when people make inaccurate assumptions and pass judgement for no reason. Love is blind and I can't help my feelings, which is why I made this post - for guidance..not to be judged or attacked. Have some respect.
> 
> Like I have said...I do not enjoy drinking and do it maybe once or twice a month. And it's only a couple glasses of wine. It's just not for me.
> 
> ...


I'm glad I was helpful. I was in fact helpful. ;-)


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## knights68 (Sep 19, 2012)

Life Happens said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I met this guy at work "Steve" I'll call him. We are both in our mid to late 20's and after many drunken happy hours and blacking out in each others beds (only kissing, nothing else) Steve and I started dating. He told other co-worker buddies that I was the best girlfriend and that he wanted to end up with me. After about 3 months I realized that him and I were polar opposites. I was more emotional and free spirited. He was more conservative, stubborn and not very emotional whatsoever. I started taking Accutane for my acne and became severely depressed and unbalanced and it was tough for Steve to deal with but he stuck it out. But the more emotional I got the less him and I would spend time together and he started partying with his friends again. I didn't feel like a solid couple and threatened to break up many times and he tried to make it work but would continue to party with his boys instead of seeing me. We fought every single day for several months about it. In total, we dated 8 months. The last straw for me was that he flaked out on our dinner plans because he was getting drunk with our co-workers. And the last straw for him was that we were supposed to go to a baseball game and I met up with him too late and we missed it.
> 
> ...


Sounds to me, alcoholism aside, is that he just isn't as much into you and the relationship you have going in your head as you are into him. He wants a more casual thing, FWB if you will, and you want way more than he is willing (or able) to give.
mmoooooove on and spare your feelings. You are better than that and deserve way better!


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