# What to make of this...



## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Found this message on the computer my wife wrote awhile back...

Last night I had a dream that me and Durand got back together. I really do not know what this is about but I'm just trying to not think about it. The dream was that I started cheating on Lawrence with him. I wound up getting pregnant and eventually back with him. He left Carla and I left Lawrence. This was the craziest dream I had in the world and I don't know what to do. Lord give me strength.

9/10/12

Well I didn't have that dream I had last week so I'm glad about that. I wish I could lie and say I don't think about how things used to be but I do. I just pray that everyday Lord you step in and help me to press through everyday. I know with your help I can overcome this.


I want to read it for what it is...just a dream but reading the "I don't know what to do/I think about how things use to be". Kinda throwing me for a loop amongst other issues that have arrived.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I think the "Lord" probably has more pressing issues to deal with...and I think you better keep an eye on your wife. Is this "Durand" in your vicinity?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

XHusband/babyfather
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> XHusband/babyfather
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So he's around and is closely tied. This is a potentially bad situation. She's struggling with real feelings here. I don't believe in God, but she does, and she's asking for his help to not go back to this man. All I can say is be weary. Perhaps other more seasoned vets here can offer you advice on what to actually do about it. 

Good luck.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Why did her and Durand get divorced?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

For a laundry list of things...the main on being infidelity on both parts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Well, I am sorry for what is happening and I am sorry that I tend to agree with Healer, I think she still has feelings for him in spite of all the hurt that led to the divorce. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love you though!!!!!!

Help her through it. Ask her if she feels good about the two of you and if there is anything that is missing from the relationship that she needs from you. Have you read the 5 love languages and are you speaking her language?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Healer said:


> So he's around and is closely tied. This is a potentially bad situation. She's struggling with real feelings here. I don't believe in God, but she does, and she's asking for his help to not go back to this man. All I can say is be weary. Perhaps other more seasoned vets here can offer you advice on what to actually do about it.
> 
> Good luck.


And this is the BIG issue I have. These dream is one thing but the confusion and emotion tied into it is another. Around this time I can remember she found out he remarried and she literally almost died and starting crying. I was wondering why she dropped the phone during this convo and I thought something serious was happening. After I found that out I got pissed and refused to hear about it. She said and I will never forget this...

"Well excuse me for being upset but this was the person I spent 10 years of my life, <B>THE ONE WHO I WAS SUPPOSE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH</B>!!!

So to see this was still an issue 6 months after we were married is just another thing to add to the list..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

JustHer said:


> Well, I am sorry for what is happening and I am sorry that I tend to agree with Healer, I think she still has feelings for him in spite of all the hurt that led to the divorce. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love you though!!!!!!
> 
> Help her through it. Ask her if she feels good about the two of you and if there is anything that is missing from the relationship that she needs from you. Have you read the 5 love languages and are you speaking her language?


Ive been there done that and it resulted in a HUGE fight. I deal with a passive aggressive possibly borderline spouse so talks and rationality are impossible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Yikes 6 months after being married to you she breaks down when she learns that her ex remarried. 

Were you her OM in her 10 year marriage to the man of her dreams?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lawrencebe said:


> Ive been there done that and it resulted in a HUGE fight. I deal with a passive aggressive possibly borderline spouse so talks and rationality are impossible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this sums it up.....do you want to deal with a crazy bi*ch who is pining for someone else.

cut your losses and move on. or stay with someone who dose not respect or admire,desire, you.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

We're you the reason she finally split with her ex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Your wife loves her ex more than she loves you. It didn't work with him so she married the next best option. But she has to "push through each day" like an alcoholic battling alcoholism. That's her analogy of your marriage.

I'm sorry for being so blunt, but you need to see what it is. 

If I were you, I'd print out what she wrote (not the dream, but the other part). I'd also print what she said and did when she heard her ex is remarried. And I'd be blunt. 

"I know you have strong feelings for your ex. I'm not willing to be "the best alternative". Sorry but I'm worth more than that to a woman that I'd call my wife. I'm not telling you your feelings are wrong, but they don't work for me. I think we need to end this charade."

Do you have children together?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm sure this is an old wives tale about dreams, but I've heard it said before;that if you dream something at night, you've thought about it that same day. So I did some research for you; courtesy of Buzzle.com (it's an internet page so take it for what it's worth)

*When You Dream about Someone*

To know what it means when you dream about a person, we can make use of several theories for interpreting it. *If it is someone you know, the most probable and common theory would be that you have been thinking about that person way too much. Specially, when you dream about someone, it is very likely that you were thinking about that person when you fell asleep.* This creates an imprint of your thoughts on your subconscious mind, which get reflected in your dreams. But, going by theory, when you dream about someone, it has more to do with certain aspects like their personality, or the relationship you shared with them, rather than the person itself. These people may appear as representatives of their qualities which you wish to inculcate, or else you already possess but are unaware of. If you are under a lot of stress, you might dream of a person who has been the cause of stress in your past, or someone who has led a very stressful life themselves. Whereas, seeing a favorite person or a peaceful personality denotes the peace and calm in your life right now.

*What Does it Mean When You Dream About Someone You Like?*

Normally, the thoughts of someone you like are on your mind all day, and more precisely, before you sleep. Dreaming about someone you like is therefore, not at all an uncommon experience.

Dreaming about someone could simply be a manifestation of your infatuation or attraction towards them. If the person likes you back, the dream signifies your acceptance, self-confidence and self-respect. Whereas, if the person appears to reject you in the dream, it is a sign of being low on yourself and a feeling of insecurity creeps in. You are not confident about winning the person over and are mentally preparing yourself for rejection, so that it doesn't hurt you that badly. This could be considered as a kind of defense mechanism implemented by the subconscious.

*When you dream about someone you had liked in the past, not the person, but the pattern of events related to them are important. You may be facing a similar pattern in your current life, or experiencing strikingly similar feelings, like the ones you had for them.*

All the analysis and derivations of these dreams imply that, it is our mind which indulges into a constant process of accepting and rejecting certain thoughts. All these thoughts and feelings together create various kinds of emotions. Dreams are probably the manifestation of these thoughts and feelings.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

To answer a few question...

Based from what she's told me they were seperated 3 years prior to us even knowing one another. 
Wee have no kids together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry but you really get the feeling that this will end badly for you. If the roles were reversed she probably would feel absolutely disgusted toward you. I would prepare myself for a bad ending and always have you ducks in a row. Collapsing after her hearing her ex get married after being married to you for 6 months would be a deal breaker for many men. You deserve better.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> To answer a few question...
> 
> Based from what she's told me they were seperated 3 years prior to us even knowing one another.
> *Wee have no kids together*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bail...


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## Everafter2013 (Feb 11, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> To answer a few question...
> 
> Based from what she's told me they were seperated 3 years prior to us even knowing one another.
> Wee have no kids together
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was about to ask you this question. If her ex remarried, say, 3 months after her divorce, it was probably just her ego. Still, a bit odd that she said "The one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with" (yet she cheated on him. Precious). 

But if you met 3 years after they had been separated, and what...a couple years before you two got married and she broke down like that? It is quite obvious she hadn't moved on. A woman who has moved on will probably not be over the moon to hear her ex gets married (especially if the divorce was a bit ugly). Many will probably be happy for him, most will be just indifferent. Certainly will not act as if she is dying to hear the news though. 

Probably in her mind he is the one that got away and she is fighting her feelings for him. 

Get to the bottom of it. The guy is her baby's father.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Everafter2013 said:


> I was about to ask you this question. If her ex remarried, say, 3 months after her divorce, it was probably just her ego. Still, a bit odd that she said "The one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with" (yet she cheated on him. Precious).
> 
> But if you met 3 years after they had been separated, and what...a couple years before you two got married and she broke down like that? It is quite obvious she hadn't moved on. A woman who has moved on will probably not be over the moon to hear her ex gets married (especially if the divorce was a bit ugly). Many will probably be happy for him, most will be just indifferent. Certainly will not act as if she is dying to hear the news though.
> 
> ...


Yes they have two kids together. I can remember getting into fights and her saying "that's what he use to do/he'd never do that". 

I've been doing a lot of "trust verifying" lately and throughout this "relationship" I've always felt 2nd to someone or something else. I've checked phone records from 2 years ago and its over 10 guys she's talked to that I have no clue who they are. I struggle everyday, staying up late stressing over all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Dreams - man I took some courses in dreams. Dreams are dreams, some make sense, some can be explained and others are just dreams. Dreams are not real. But what your wife has said and what she wrote - ouch!!!!

Those feelings if not killed could rekindle a relationship real fast. Lets say you two are mad, she goes on FB and boom.

Your fears are not unfounded. Her crying over him being remarried would have set me off as well.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Maybe it's just me but I was married three times (I'm 65) and when I found out one of my ex's was either married or in a relationship, I was as happy as a priest at a little league baseball camp. let some other guy suffer the wrath, not that I can't be a pain in the a$$ at times. 

I would ask her if Mister Wonderful was such a catch, then why did she cheat on him, and why he cheated on her. Yeah brother, that sounded like a real marriage made in Heaven. By the by, if I were you, if she isn't on birth control, I would wrap that pepperoni up when you have sex.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Do you really want to stay in your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> At this point I stuck trying to figure out what to do. I showed her this message as well and she flipped. She has threatened suicide but also insists if I have to go through her things I need to go.I fear starting over and being alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A few thoughts...

First, something is definitely amiss here. The guy's numbers and her ultra defensiveness... If it were something innocent and easily explainable, she would do so.

Second, she's a grown woman. If she threatens to kill herself, take her to a doctor and let her deal with it. I don't mean to be flippant, but it's not your problem to stay with her while she does whatever she is doing just because she may kill herself.

Third, because something is amiss and she refuses to tell you, it is fair game to make assumptions and accept them as fact until you know otherwise. 

Lastly, were it me, I'd leave. Tell her that there are too many things unexplained and damning and until you get answers that satisfy you, you're history.

She will do what she will do.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> Ive been there done that and it resulted in a HUGE fight. I deal with a passive aggressive possibly borderline spouse so talks and rationality are impossible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Borderline?? Marriage itself is impossible if the person truly has a personality disorder. Do some research on it, see if your wasting your time trying.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I just feel like ill be disappointing someone or leaving her behind. I will feel guilty for taking my things and just leaving 2 years of a relationship. God knows I want out but this is the only thing that is holding me back. Like I'll be turning my back in her. I just wish I could grow a pair and walk out but I can't. I have everything planned and the exit will be painless but if she comes home and sees me and all these things gone what will happen? I would never forgive myself if she harmed herself. I'm just so scared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

First of all, why did you abandon your original thread? Your WW is in an affair with an old coworker who you caught asking her for a quickie, and she replies that she cant make any promises. Then she goes over to OMs house and claims its to take him medicine. 

She physically abuses you by throwing things, hitting, *AND BITING* you! WTF?

She tells YOU that you have to go if you have to snoop through her things.

She has you sleeping on the couch downstairs while she sleeps in the marital bed.

Accept the facts already. You married an abusive serial cheater. She cheated on her XH, and now she's cheating on you. Look, you've only been married two years and have no children with her. And now you find this crap about her XH? 

RUN! Get away from her as fast as you can. Please have some respect for yourself. You said you would take the advice last time, but it looks like you haven't. Are you still sleeping downstairs?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

And if she hits you again or threatens suicide, call the cops already!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Damm! From your profile, you're only 25 y.o. Still young.

Why are you staying in this abusive relationship? And with 2 stepkids?

Do develop more self respect and move on. Move on.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

workindad said:


> Yikes 6 months after being married to you she breaks down when she learns that her ex remarried.
> 
> Were you her OM in her 10 year marriage to the man of her dreams?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think answering this question would explain a lot.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What the he!! are you so afraid of? being alone? Maybe it's just me but if I was in a relationship where I was always on the defense, having my wife being physically abusive, and feeding me a line of B.S., I would be more than happy to be by myself. Then, just for extra measure she throws the "I'll kill myself" line at you because she knows that will make you stay put, is when I call the bluff and tell her that if she wants to end it all, let me know where your being laid out and I'll send flowers. 

Friend. There's a big difference between being "lonely" and "alone". I've been single for the last seventeen years and I'm not alone. I have good friends and family that I could turn to and they would be there in a heartbeat. Yes, sometimes I would have liked to have been in a relationship with a woman but age, (65) and mainly bad health have made that a bit hard but your only in your what 20's? You just started your life as an adult, why waste it on a relationship that not only makes you sad, but it's not a healthy relationship. Your getting a ton of advice here from a lot of people who have been in the same boat as you. Listen to what they say. You have your whole life ahead of you. For Gods sake, don't waste it on a toxic relationship that will only drag you down. Move on. Get your head together and when the right girl comes along, besides noticing the boobs and buns which most guys do, but listen to what she has to say about her life, family and past relationships and you'll be able to get a handle on what kind of a girl she is. Fat lot of good boobs and buns are when there attached to someone toxic. Like I said, I'm 65, been around the block quite a few times and made the same mistakes.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

To answer a few questions

1.) I was not the OM while she was married to her XH. We supposedly met 5 years after they separated. Their divorce was final 2 years ago.
2.) I left the other thread because she found my other post and was greatly upset about it
3.) She now sleeps on the couch because its cooler downstairs. 

I have a plan and want to follow through. Me coming here is to essentially vent and to not fall into her guilt trips. To keep a sense of reality while in the FOG. My last straw was a voicemail her mother 'll eft me saying the next time something happens she's going to call the cops on me. Everyday I struggle with this decision and everyday she shows me reasons why I need to go. Since I fo und all this stuff I hear about how I'm wrong weekly. 
The main thing I'm concerned with is taking all the stuff I've bought in this house with my hard earned money. I do find myself making excuses to stay and I am worried about her well being. But I can't keep going on like this. 

Thanks for the advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> Yes they have two kids together. I can remember getting into fights and her saying "that's what he use to do/he'd never do that".
> 
> I've been doing a lot of "trust verifying" lately and throughout this "relationship" *I've always felt 2nd to someone or something else.* *I've checked phone records from 2 years ago and its over 10 guys she's talked to that I have no clue who they are.* I struggle everyday, staying up late stressing over all of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No kids. Why do you stay with this woman, who clearly does not love you fully, and please don't say because you love her


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I think its fear of beibg alone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I left everything of mine that didn't fit in the bed of my truck when I walked out on my cheating wife. 

All those things you bought with your hard earned money are just things. They can be replaced with equal and better. But your self worth and self esteem are irreplaceable. That is what you give away every day you stay with your poisonous wife. 

You got to make a move man. You can't wait around for her to suck your soul dry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> I think its fear of beibg alone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are worse things. Believe me. Staying with an unrepentant wife who blames you for everything would be far worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Take the recording that your Mother-in law made to the police. Explain to them your situation so you don't get into trouble with the law, then if it was me, I would find another place to live, pack up your stuff even if you have to put it in storage then call your mother in law and tell her to take her threats and shove them sideways along with her crazy daughter. And please tell me what the big fear of being alone is? If anything, she owes you and what she owes you is honesty and to act like an adult and a wife......something your not getting. if you have the proof like you say, then there is nothing keeping you there except your fear of being by yourself. She's giving you nothing in return for your love except a boat load of grief. So get over the fear of being a bachelor and enjoy it before it's too late ok?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

6301,

I really appreciate your advice and coming from someone who is my fathers age I really respect that. My fear of being alone is solely a mental barrier that I will have to overcome. I just want to ask you what did you finally tell yourself to leage and stay gone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Given that she's going to call the cops on you, you should be prepared. Get yourself a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and keep it with you at all times or when you sense trouble.

It'll beat the "he said, she said" scenario when the cops do come calling.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I kind of pity you but empathize at the same time, I had a bad marriage and was terribly unhappy, and yes I will admit this here and now my unhappiness within my marriage was the root cause of my depression, I stayed strong and with IC when away from home I became better and a better person.

You need IC immediately and then you need to check into a motel, suitcase with clothes as far from her as you can get and be sure to file for D asap.

Take clothes enough to see you through a week, then go to the launderette and shopping in the super market and start to integrate back into a normal life, rent an apartment and begin to rebuild you, you deserve better than being No.2 to anyone else, leave and save yourself from this mental abuse, that's what it is, mental and psychological abuse of you by her.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I just feel so at odds. Hearing and seeing her go through all these things in life. Her kids living with her BPD mother, who constantly manipulates her. Forever having health problems, I guess me feeling sorry/fear of being alone has left me here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I'm sure this is an old wives tale about dreams, but I've heard it said before;that if you dream something at night, you've thought about it that same day. So I did some research for you; courtesy of Buzzle.com (it's an internet page so take it for what it's worth)
> 
> *When You Dream about Someone*
> 
> ...


Does this have a real, scientific basis?:scratchhead:


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Lawrence 

What I did I do to finally break the hold. Marriage #2, I was married to a woman who was very immature and had a habit of saying horrible, nasty things when she got mad. The kind of anger that lasted for days. Ever hear of Al-Anon? it's for people who live with alcoholics. I swear she belonged to something called "and-on-and-on". She never knew when to stop with the argument because she went on and on and on. After ten years we got divorced and I learned a valuable lesson. If there is something on my mind, I'll say it and if she replies to the disagreement, I listen to a point but if it drags on, then I end it and will not put up with it.

Few years later, I married again to a completely different kind of woman. Wasn't a fighter, but kept things to herself and she didn't show much emotion. Her father died when she was two and her mom who is a really nice woman raised her three kids on her own without the help of a man and being that my wife was the youngest, she saw tat her Mom didn't need a man and so slowly I was put on the back burner and on her list of whose important, naturally our daughter came first but I was not even in the top ten. Not to mention that since she liked her mothers lifestyle of not having to answer to anyone, she became very independent and it got to a point that I didn't mean a thing to her.

Well enough is enough and I really loved her but love has to be a two way street and I wasn't getting anything from her. One night she said she was going away for a few days to a few single friends of hers and when I voiced my opinion that I wasn't happy about her Girls night out twice a month and coming home a three and four in the morning, and now a weekend camping trip to a cabin, it went in one ear and out another and I told her that I loved her but not enough to put up with anymore of this BS so if your going and you don't care how I feel about it, then by all means go but make sure you have another place to come home to because you not welcome here any longer. She thought I was crazy and called my bluff and the day she was leaving, I pulled the suitcases from the attic and said start packing. She did and honest to God when she drove away, I had the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I didn't miss being the second fiddle or having my self respect, pride and dignity used like toilet paper.

It took a long time to learn my lesson and I wish I would have done the same thing to wife#2 because that was one hideous ten year stretch. Don't make the same mistakes I made. Hope this helps.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I guess what Im concerned with and holding onto is the good times. The days with no arguing or fighting. I guess its hoping we go back to what we were.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Im sitting here reading all of my responses to everyones comments and I never realized how much I've made excuses for this marriage I am in. Everyday I wake up feeling empty and drained, waiting for the next episode of drama in her life to unfold. As I lay in the bed by my lonesome for the 5th night in a row, all I can think about is how unhappy I truly am. How much of my life and happiness I have comprised stay. I haven't had a haircut in weeks, I drink everyday and have become a shell if myself. When I leave the house all I wear I s sweats and have lost interest in looking "fly" let alone buying any clothes for myself. $300 a month went to her to finance her biweekly hair and nail appointments. Its just so hard to come to reality. I'm actually in a abusive relationship with someone who lies and cheats. I just want to prove that wrong and snap out of this likeca bad dream but I can't. I just I could fix this but I can't. I've completely lost myself in this mess. I've dwelled for so long waiting for change that I've lost me. I know I need to go, besides, I've been alone for a long time staying; so why not leave and better myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

get out while you can still find yourself again!!!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yep bud, you're being played.

It might not seem like it now but you will feel 1000 times better 5 minutes after you walk out that door for good.

Just go.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is the first step. Read the books MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY. The first explains how to interact with women and it is not bs about current popular thinking. Its about biology.

The second is about the reality of taking care of yourself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Acknowledging the situation is the first step, you are just awakening. Now it's a matter of taking actions. Step by step.
Write those thoughts down, reduce them to a few lines, choose a mantra and remind it every time fear shows it's ugly face to distract you.
Make a plan, get your doks lined up then do it no matter what. Be accountable of your own happiness.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Does this have a real, scientific basis?:scratchhead:


Sure, just like astrology and paranormal sightings.

No, actually I'm not sure. How can anyone really know what dreams actually mean. I just posted it as food for thought.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Thanks to all that have replied to my questions. This week has been somewhat rough, stemming from last Friday. Between her constant drama at work, with her family and her being "sick" everyday it's been draining. There are times when I wonder should I stay but something always happens to remind me of why I need at least a separation. Last night she kept asking about her saving and just to see I mentioned about us "saving together". I've mentioned it before and her answer is always "Because of my past and what my XH and mom did to me I don't want to save with someone, we aren't responsible with money because you buy cigs and beer, and I want to have my own money without asking anyones permission or controlling what I do with it.

So we went back and forth and presto changeo the convo went from that to how I didn't help het with the cable bill this month, I never give her money (never to her means and I quote "not like never ever just not all the time...300-400 a month from me to her us never right?), and the kicker how could I save with someone who goes through my phone and email (and is also upset because I keep my phone and tablet away from her now)? Still being super defensive about HER mistake in s unrelated convo is clearly a red flag to me. Not to mention the night before she made a huge scene about me sleeping on the couch, but she slept on it 4 nights in a row last week. Im just so tired of it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I'll make a prediction for you. With in two weeks, she is going to call the cops on you. Not because you did anything against the law, but to teach you a lesson. You WILL be arrested. You'll go to court. You'll probably be put on probation(if no priors) and you'll have to complete a spousal abuse program.

This will be on your record for life. Any and every time a cop runs you name, license, or license plate, he/she is going to see that you've been arrested for domestic violence.

If you stay there much longer you should get use to the idea.

Find a friend or family member that will let you stay with them for a while. Sneak out any possessions of your's that she will not notice are gone.

When her and the kids are gone, take everything else that is rightfully your's that you can fit into your car and LEAVE.

I would take a video of the inside of the house/apt before I left to show that you didn't trash the place before you left.

You NEED to get away from her and SOON. If you don't you.ll be sorry.

As for what to do after that, others here will give you good advise on your next step(s). I'm just trying to avoid letting her get you locked up.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> And if she hits you again or threatens suicide, call the cops already!





6301 said:


> Take the recording that your Mother-in law made to the police. Explain to them your situation so you don't get into trouble with the law, then if it was me, I would find another place to live, pack up your stuff even if you have to put it in storage then call your mother in law and tell her to take her threats and shove them sideways along with her crazy daughter. And please tell me what the big fear of being alone is? If anything, she owes you and what she owes you is honesty and to act like an adult and a wife......something your not getting. if you have the proof like you say, then there is nothing keeping you there except your fear of being by yourself. She's giving you nothing in return for your love except a boat load of grief. So get over the fear of being a bachelor and enjoy it before it's too late ok?





aug said:


> Given that she's going to call the cops on you, you should be prepared. Get yourself a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and keep it with you at all times or when you sense trouble.
> 
> It'll beat the "he said, she said" scenario when the cops do come calling.





GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I'll make a prediction for you. With in two weeks, she is going to call the cops on you. Not because you did anything against the law, but to teach you a lesson. You WILL be arrested. You'll go to court. You'll probably be put on probation(if no priors) and you'll have to complete a spousal abuse program.
> 
> This will be on your record for life. Any and every time a cop runs you name, license, or license plate, he/she is going to see that you've been arrested for domestic violence.
> 
> ...


I have anecdotes, that will back up these assertions and they aren't pretty. Sorry, you are a dude and these things never end pretty for you if you wait.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Im waiting for August when I get my refund from school. Its just becoming difficult because there are "good" days coupled with the bad and my heart is saying stay but my mind says RUN! How did yall keep a constant mindset throughout the "getting ready to leave process" without talking yourself into staying. I know enough is enough but u fear I'll talk myself into staying. Reading the last comment about going to jail is a real eye opener too.. any other thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

So at this point guys it seems like I have begun the stage of questioning myself. Are things thst bad? What if she didn't cheat? What if I'm over reacting? How can I just leave...how would that make me look? I will be receiving my school refund in a few weeks (4 grand) so I can leave but why these feelings? I was so sure a few weeks ago and even though we argued today we seemed to move on ok. Its like maybe I got things wrong ya know? I asked yesterday and I'll ask again how'd you guys not talk yourself into staying when wanting to leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Do a polygraph.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I'll make a prediction for you. With in two weeks, she is going to call the cops on you. Not because you did anything against the law, but to teach you a lesson. You WILL be arrested. You'll go to court. You'll probably be put on probation(if no priors) and you'll have to complete a spousal abuse program.
> 
> This will be on your record for life. Any and every time a cop runs you name, license, or license plate, he/she is going to see that you've been arrested for domestic violence.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Especially the part about calling the cops. But you can do your best to avoid being arrested by following the guidelines with dealing with the cops that I posted in the newbie thread. I made those suggestions based on MY personal experience in responding to DV calls and arresting both males and females. IF you get arrested, *DO NOT* take a plea bargain! Plead not guilty and *DEMAND* a trial. Even if they offer you probation, that means you are admitting guilt and that becomes a conviction. If you demand a trial, the prosecutor must bring enough evidence to prove you guilty beyond reasonable doubt. If there is not evidence against you to assure a conviction, the prosecutor will balk at the potential waste of valuable court time and resources, and will probably just drop the case. You see, that's how the game is played. I've seen this hundreds of times. The prosecutor is counting on you to roll over and take probation or whatever. You get a slap on the wrist, and he/she gets and easy conviction. Don't fall for it. Because that DV conviction *WILL* follow you forever. 

BTW, due to federal DV laws that came into being during the Clinton administration, a DV conviction means you can never own a firearm for at least 10 years. In some states, your firearms can be confiscated. Just food for thought.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

You'll leave when you've had a belly full.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Write down all the reasons why you need to leave. Not just the facts and her actions, but how this relationship has made you feel, as a person. How it has drained every ounce of you and made you so depressed. Every time you feel like talking yourself back in to the relationship, read what you wrote. Also, write down where you see yourself in 2-5 years time, one list of with her, one list without her. Note the differences. This may help you keep your resolve.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you realized that every day spend with her is cheating you of a day spent with the right kind person you will be with after her?

She's abusive and a cheater.

The good person that you will be with is neither if those things. 

The thing. Between you and happiness is your current abusive wife. She is stealing the chance to live a happy life away from you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Here is the first step. Read the books MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY. The first explains how to interact with women and it is not bs about current popular thinking. Its about biology.
> 
> The second is about the reality of taking care of yourself.


Have you read these books yet?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I haven't read those books yet. I have been trying to plan my escape. I'm not the kind of person who just runs like this. I feel like I'm deceiving her at this point. It's feels so wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You really need to read those books whether you stay or go. Nmmng is free online ,btw.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I hear you I guess at this point Im holding onto something that's not there. I'm just trying to figure out what's making me want to stay. The fear of being alone? Me starting over? Leaving her and feeling bad? Ultimately no one can tell me what to do its my choice and decision. But why is it so damn difficult. Everyone that I ask about this ALL say to go. But my question is how? All the feelings, all the memories good and had how do you just walk away and go? I may be in denial but man this is difficult to do. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> *I hear you I guess at this point Im holding onto something that's not there. I'm just trying to figure out what's making me want to stay.* The fear of being alone? Me starting over? Leaving her and feeling bad? Ultimately no one can tell me what to do its my choice and decision. But why is it so damn difficult. Everyone that I ask about this ALL say to go. But my question is how? All the feelings, all the memories good and had how do you just walk away and go? I may be in denial but man this is difficult to do.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remember, you aren't the one dreaming of being with and having a child with your EX - She is...

This is all new to you, the thought of divorcing and moving on.

I would venture to say that your wife has had these thoughts through out your entire relationship.

You were all in, 100%. She wasn't and most likely still isin't.

She'll tell's you that she wants you to stay. Wants to work on your marriage. Her actions say otherwise...

I stick with what I said earlier. If you stay, make sure you have bail money put aside and a planed ride/place to stay, when you're out of lock-up.

It's comin', so plan for it.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

What did y'all do? Weigh the pros ajd cons? I did we have nothing together...at all. Were you tired of being disrespected or lied too? Tired of arguing or hearing them mad at the world everday? The covert and overt abuse? Double standards, arguing, physical and emotional abuse? Was it the lack of intimacy and love? Or was it the accusations of cheating when you weren't? Getting your stuff broke. Trying to make someone happy when all they want is ti be the victim? 

I am tired if all of that and then some so why is it I'm at the cusp of leaving and now I'm second guessing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> What did y'all do? Weigh the pros ajd cons? I did we have nothing together...at all. Were you tired of being disrespected or lied too? Tired of arguing or hearing them mad at the world everday? The covert and overt abuse? Double standards, arguing, physical and emotional abuse? Was it the lack of intimacy and love? Or was it the accusations of cheating when you weren't? Getting your stuff broke. Trying to make someone happy when all they want is ti be the victim?
> 
> I am tired if all of that and then some so why is it I'm at the cusp of leaving and now I'm second guessing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't find anything you can out in the pro columna
column and if you can find one the cons are dealbreakers for me.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Geez! Have you read your posts.? Do you have absoutely no self esteem? You sound like a spineless teenager willing to put up with incredible abuse because you are simply afraid to walk out the door. I am going to give you some import advice

1) MAN UP! If you don't respect yourself, no one will
2) Go down to Walmart and buy two rubber balls
3) use those balls until you can find yours.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There's about 7 billion people in the world.

The one you are currently with is busted and broken, not the right fit.

Think about it this way. Before you even met her you were free. Then one day after knowing her for a while you agreed to be with her full time. But you know what you have the right to end that agreement and stop being with her, to return to the land of you being in charge of you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I really think you should back off and read the two books before you make decision. Unless things have always been bad with your wife.

Something has changed, is it you? We husbands often change and become betaized and then lose the respect of their wives even though the wives push the changes.

As far as the dreams go, I still have dreams of my first ltr partner of overv30 years ago. Haven't seen her since either.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I really think you should back off and read the two books before you make decision. Unless things have always been bad with your wife.
> 
> Something has changed, is it you? We husbands often change and become betaized and then lose the respect of their wives even though the wives push the changes.
> 
> As far as the dreams go, I still have dreams of my first ltr partner of overv30 years ago. Haven't seen her since either.


Well I read NMMNG today and for everything that I have already read and come to know...this book explained who I have been 100% for the last 10 years, with every friendship/relationship I have ever known. Even the part in the book about holding the door open for people, I do this ALL THE TIME. The person could be 200 ft away I will wait and hold that door for them. I have no real clear and resolute boundaries because I feel as though if I do then it will make people upset. 

I HATE to make mistakes at work and feel awful about them all day long, like the child in me is waiting to get home to be spanked like I use to for being bad in class.


I have always known that I grew up in a dysfunctional house hold with a very passive-aggressive mother as well as my Uncle's who I spent a lot of time around as a young child. Crying because I wanted things in the store or because I was upset would result in "I'm going to give you something to cry about" beatings. So I learned at an early age that if I upset mom or want something to just be a "good boy" and not make her upset or I'd be "in trouble". So I've kept a lot of things about my childhood and up bringing secret my whole 26 years of living and I have never really addressed it. I couldn't even honestly tell you what a happy or normal marriage is let alone any form of relationship.

Even growing up I have always felt the need to "fit in" or "be" cool and do the things that others do, never really wanting to do it or finding it to be "me". As the years have gone on I have generally lost the sense of who I am or what even makes me happy anymore. I can not remember the last time I really really gave myself the time to do ANYTHING for myself. This includes the whole gambit of SELF, I do know who that person is. I do not even look in the mirror anymore. 

After reading several stories in NMMNG there was one that stuck with me. It was about the man who seperated from his wife for a year and could not find the way to let go of their marriage. The wife he described was so much like mine (mad, moody, depressed, angry) but he was so in denial he could not free himself. I also connected with the story about the man who bought his GF everything to try to make her happy. I also did the seem feeling like I need to "rescue" or be a "caretaker" is me. I do not believe i do "covert contracts" but I do keep a mental tally of the things I've done for others and it greatly disappointments me when I do not get them in return. But when someone does something for me I feel so ashamed and guilty and have even convinced myself that "A real man doesn't take help from others". Like right now I have a negative balance in my bank account and will not ask for help from anyone, even my wife, for fear and shame. 

I have been so afraid to admit it because I felt like I was going to disappoint her. But someone said on here awhile ago that leaving my actually SAVE my marriage. My past two marriages have been with two people that have "hustled" me because of my "Nice Guy" mentality and even now it is hard to admit that as well. I want to blame myself because I have ignored my inner needs for so long to believe what I am doing is right, but inside I know I have never been happy in a lot of situations. I have always placed other needs before mine and sometimes to the point of losing friendships because I get so used I want nothing to do with the other person. I do not have any friends and do not let people get close to me anymore. 

I really do need to start doing for myself and I do think the first step is to admit that I have this issue coupled with a drinking problem. I need to leave for not only the sake of my own self but for her as well, I can not keep holding someone else hosting in my twisted view of what love is or is supposed to be, nor can I be in a apparent abusive relationship that is not making either one of us happy and for holding her responsible for my happiness is not fair either. I am just to blame for this mess of a marriage because I am a mess myself and it was irresponsible for me to try to help someone else when I needed help myself.

I really never have known what it is to "love myself" even though I say it I have no clue what that means because I have always thought it was selfish to love myself or to take care of myself without fear of someone leaving me or being abandoned. 

I guess the next step from here is to seek a good therapist and begin the real search for the inner me

Thank you Chaparral for helping me...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You are more than welcome. Good luck and prayers.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Wow, you had a real eye-opening experience. It's good that you are being introspective, and honest with yourself. 

You are to blame for some of the things that have gone wrong in your relationships. All of us have done "wrong things" in relationships. But we don't have to keep repeating old mistakes; we learn from them and keep moving forward towards a better life. 

The past will be your teacher if you learn from it; your master if you don't.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> Wow, you had a real eye-opening experience. It's good that you are being introspective, and honest with yourself.
> 
> You are to blame for some of the things that have gone wrong in your relationships. All of us have done "wrong things" in relationships. But we don't have to keep repeating old mistakes; we learn from them and keep moving forward towards a better life.
> 
> The past will be your teacher if you learn from it; your master if you don't.


I hear what your are saying and you are very true. The fact still remains that I feel there are too many unanswered questions pertaining to some of the things she has done. As much as I want to stay and make things work it is not fair to me to accept less than someone who will respect me and not put themselves in a position for me to question EVERYTHING. I have never been the one to allow someone to cheat on me KNOWINGLY and it could have been partially my fault but I will NEVER accept that blame. Then when exposed with the messages and cell phone calls she still denies that it was nothing more than her merely going to his house to "drop off" some medication on a Saturday night (6:32 on October 13) while I was out of town training for my new job. Getting a straight answer out of her at this point is obviously out of the picture, but nevertheless it would not change anything. A abusive lying cheater is just that. I have to continue to remember this and that I deserve better.

The "Nice Guy" in me wants to say "Hey, she loves you, she wouldn't lie to you about something like that man, just stay and give it a chance". Deep down inside I know she is lying and like someone posted before, the decision our spouses hand us once we are deceived is a hard to make. Coupled with the arguing and fighting that has been going on even before we were married, this situation makes thing 10x worse. The lack of intimacy, sex, the distance and the daily soap opera drama has become almost unbearable. Even today just looking at her face which is obviously something wrong, but it's always "I'm ok" this "relationship has drained me.

Regardless I truly want to become a better person and a better man for myself. I will never be good to anyone, not even myself, until I get my life in order. I hope she will understand but deep down I know she will not. Even me thinking that I have to leave in the darkness in fear of what she will do to me or herself is obviously a sign that this marriage is not healthy, from both ends.

I made the first step today and contacted several places about apartments. I have done the math and with my school refunds and monthly VA money I will be able to make it. 

I will no longer post here on TAM until I have successfully moved out and started a new, because quite frankly I'm tired of talking about it and I know you guys are tired of reading about it...lol. 

Thanks to everyone for their advice, whether it wash harsh or kind it was good to be able to talk to someone about this. Thanks!


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