# My Husband got another woman pregnant, anyone been through the same thing?



## bdl (May 16, 2012)

Hi, I've been married a little over 5 years (married at 19) with a 5 year old son at home. My marriage has been anything but easy and my husband had an affair with a girl he used to date in HS. Very unfortunately he got her pregnant even though she claimed to be on bc for 4 years and it was part of her routine, their relationship consisted of him calling her up to have sex when he was belligerently drunk, not condoning it but his intention was not to leave his family or to start a new one just to get off and "she made it easy", his words. She made a claim to be pregnant about 2 weeks after they had sex, he told her that he was in no way able to nor did he want to have any part in this, she wanted to keep seeing him I guess so they continued a sexual relationship but did NOT talk about the pregnancy at all (according to him). Of course after a month he decided to start pulling away from her due to the fact that she started making threats to tell me, tell his family, run off with the baby etc if he did not divorce me and move out immediately. realizing that what he had done was about to change his life and cause some serious problems he reached out to me admitted the affair and I found out about the pregnancy. My first reaction was SHE IS LYING! I've know this girl a long time we all worked together in hs thats how we all met he dated me then dated her than dated me and married me, something I know she was not ok with she doesn't like me and has gone after my husband trying to "reclaim" him before and is totally the type to think that a baby is gonna get her what she wants. So I obviously was thinking that she was trying to scare him into leaving me and that it wasn't true. I told him to tell me everything she told him about the pregnancy and what nights the slept together and he did, he was 100% honest and it seemed like there was a 50/50 chance she was lying, he said on jan 15 after his bowling league was over he was drunk texted her to come get him and he accidentally "went" inside her (no they didn't use a condom, and yes I know he is a total ****ing idiot, I remind him everyday, we are in counseling i'm working on my anger).
So basically we have been working on our marriage and our communication, his priorities have completely changed and he is 100% committed to our marriage and family, he has changed his email and blocked her # from calling texting basically contacting him all together, this pissed her off and she proceeded to text me and tell me that she's "not trying to be a ***** but..." I told her she didn't need to tell me anything because I already know everything, that caught her off guard and she got mad and started going on about how he has to pay her medical bill and child support and all kinds of stuff and that she already has a lawyer. I told her as soon as paternity is established then he will accept the consequences of his mistakes. recently she has come out to facebook that she is pregnant (so she isn't lying). My husband and I have talked about it and his decision is to pay support if that is the route she decides to go, he has no idea of her intentions since they have not had any communication since feb and she knew that he didn't want any involvement from the start leaving he plenty of time to seek alternate routes. she decided to keep the baby knowing he is married with a child at home and he did not want to be a part of it. That's HER choice not mine and I respect it end of story, but what comes with that is knowledge that she will be 100% a single mother with a check in the mail. I have to protect my son from his fathers mistakes he has always been a good father and a good husband he takes care of us 100% and it's just unfortunate that in a low point of our marriage he turned to drinking and trying to make himself feel better by reaching out to someone who would only bring him down further. A lot of this is me venting I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of his mistake i.e. emotionally, mentally and actively calling lawyers researching everything! and he really wants to "move on" and it seems like he isn't living in reality, he is acting like its not happening at all. I just want to know if there is any light at the end of the tunnel, how do you live your life normally? any insight would really help me I'm having a roller coaster of emotions, but I do love my husband and I am willing to work this out with him as frustrating and hurtful as it is, counseling seems to help but I just have nobody who I can relate to, and I'm scared of what the future holds.:scratchhead:


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I know there are others on this site who have been through the same siuation. I'm so sorry for you to have to be going through this! But no matter what, DNA test must be done and then you can truly decide what you want for you and your son. He doesn't ever have to see the child, just write a check for 18 yrs. But the OW could periodically take him to court for increases and stuff. If he does have a relationship w.the child at some point you will be seeing the OW. Can you live with that? Good luck you will get good advice here.

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OMG. Details don't matter. You need to get out of this situation ASAP.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lamaga said:


> OMG. Details don't matter. You need to get out of this situation ASAP.


Details don't matter?!?!?! What are you ON?

Have you ever been cheated on?


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

Yes, I feel like we are sitting ducks because everything is up to her so we are kind of just waiting around for him to get served to submit to a paternity test, which is so stressful but all we can do. His focus is to do what he should have done in the first place which is to work out our problems and be there for his family, his decision is to not take part in the child's life but he will also not avoid his financial obligation if she decides not to take anything to court then he said he is good either way. I know the OW doesn't want him to be involved either because he decided to work it out with me which may deter her from seeking support as that would open the door for him to have rights to the child, I just don't know . As far as I'm concerned they are both extremely selfish people, but he is my husband and I know he is actively working on that. I'm just a mess but thank you I really hope to gain some insight and I'm happy I found this site!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, Hope, I have been cheated on. Would you like me to post my other bona fides?


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

being cheated on is something that is very serious I don't take this lightly at all, but i'm not so quick to drop my husband and I'm not looking to have to defend my choice just simply want someone to relate to.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Yes, Hope, I have been cheated on. Would you like me to post my other bona fides?


That would be nice


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

bdl said:


> being cheated on is something that is very serious I don't take this lightly at all, but i'm not so quick to drop my husband and I'm not looking to have to defend my choice just simply want someone to relate to.


There are a few of us here who have been cheated on, and maybe even some whose WH got another woman pregnant.

I hope your hubby is doing everything he can to prove he's not cheating any more. Mine is, and although he didn't father a child, we're together and very happy today. Do some more reading - you sound like you have things under control.


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

yes counseling has actually helped in a big way and he is an open book these days. We have been doing really well but he has a hard time understanding why I still get depressed or angry sometimes it makes him feel like I don't love him because I'm not "moving on" from it,but I think it mostly just hurts him to see me hurting and stressed out over his poor choices.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am so glad to hear your in counseling and that it seems to be working. I pray that he has hit rock bottom and had the huge wakeup call he needed to see the error of his ways. You weren't clear--what combination of you and him in IC, and both in MC, are you going through?

*Have you both been tested for STDs?*

I would check out the books, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This last book in particular has some excellent passages describing how the betrayed spouse feels. If you can read them aloud to your husband it may help him understand where you're coming from.

Discovering an affair and reconciling produces a roller coaster of emotions. With the pregnancy involved, you sadly have the issue of continuing to be tied to the OW and your future is hanging up in the air.

Here is what I saw with my husband; he of course knew all about the affair because he was IN it; so for him, me discovering it was sort of a big bang and then he was ready to move on. Of course for me, it was the total opposite. I had this horrible sensation that reality as I knew it was a total farce, it had been smashed into a million pieces and I had to construct a new reality out of all of that. So for him, the circle was complete, while for me, I wasn't even sure what shape to draw, and complete seems like something I will never entirely attain.


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

Yes we are gaining a lot from counseling I started out doing IC because he wasn't ready or sure he wanted to stay in the marriage because of the things he had done he felt were not forgivable and that our marriage could not recover... but now we are in MC and I think he actually is getting more out of it that I even am, which actually makes me feel better because he is definitely not a talker and I have no problem in that department. 
We have not been tested yet but I know it's important and needs to be done!
I see that with my husband he says that he loves me and you know his intentions are good at this point but he gets frustrated with me and my emotions because he does not like to think about the things he did. "sweeping things under the rug" seems to be his specialty and I call him out on it and I try to remind him of what the counselor has helped us with and it's such a process sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I feel the exact same way, for my husband the circle is complete too, he sees it as there is no more affair so when I ask questions he will get defensive or deflect them because it happened so long ago (for him), I just find that I do have to remind him that just because you have reconciled your emotions over it and it happened a long time ago for you I am new to it and just now starting to process how all of this happened on top of the negative effects having a child out of our marriage will have on our lives and our child together life. So much has gone into our marriage and family I feel it would be a shame to throw it away on a weak time but I've always been an optimist so we will see where it gets me.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If you can get him to read just a chapter or two of Not Just Friends, the book I mentioned above, you might be surprised to see the light bulb go on and to understand what you're going through. I read aloud long passages to my husband because I felt they were so deadly accurate and well-written. Sometimes hearing it from an objective source--a book written by a therapist who has counseled many marriages suffering from betrayal--can help a disloyal spouse get an inkling of what you're going through.


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

TY that's is definitely something I will look into!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Cheaters are ashamed of what they have done, so they want to rug sweep it and BS to get over it as soon as possible. Many WS cant understand the gravity of their heinous act.

Paternity test should be done, because you or your husband dont know with how many others she is sleeping with. If you didn't done the STD test do that immediately.

Your husband being remorseful and ready to work on your marriage is a good sign. Both of you read some books, it can help him to understand the gravity of your pain.

Good luck for your family.


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## Softly Walking (May 4, 2011)

I was going to write some pretty harsh things here but thought better of it. 
You say you want to protect your child... what happens if this child is his and turns up in 20 years looking for "dad" - then what are you going to tell your kid? Mommy and daddy knew about this child but choose to lie to you rather than be honest, that other kid was nothing but a mistake - it should have been aborted but it's mom was too selfish? 
What happens if your kid grows up, meets the other kid - they fall in love and get married (it happens) - then what?


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Even if he choses not to have a relationship with the OW child, it doesn't mean they can't tell their son about when he is old enough to understand. ?!

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I personally think if she's going to have this child, that yes the child should be in your life too. The child has a brother and you are the step mother. Set up visitation and love this child as your own. The child is innocent. There is no excuse for what your husband did. Nothing can justify his wrongful actions. 

I've been cheated on before several times with my ex h. There is absolutely no excuse for it. Your husband didn't accidently get her pregnant. It happened due to her ovulating and him having a full blown affair. This OW is in love with your husband and I can see why. 

Personally, I'd leave. This is not a fight worth fighting for. I wouldn't doubt if he did this again. My ex h has slept with 3 women on his current wife. I'm sure it's more, but I know because he told my daughter when she was 15.

I remarried and I have the most wonderful loyal husband. It's nice not having to trust someone. My husband now is home 100% of the time unless he's working. 

Good luck to you! I wish you the best in whatever happens. You have a long road to follow.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

So sorry for your situation.I think that you should talk to a lawyer ASAP. Even if you plan to stay together,from what I understand it may be financially advisable for you to divorce him and get a child support order for your child before hers is born. I'm sure it differs depending on where you live, but from what I understand, the first child that support is ordered to gets the biggest percentage. Support for later children is calculated based on income after paying support for previous children. I'm sure it would be a shame for you and him to end up divorcing in the future and know that he is paying more child support for the product of his affair than he is paying for your child.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

381917 said:


> So sorry for your situation.I think that you should talk to a lawyer ASAP. Even if you plan to stay together,from what I understand it may be financially advisable for you to divorce him and get a child support order for your child before hers is born. I'm sure it differs depending on where you live, but from what I understand, the first child that support is ordered to gets the biggest percentage. Support for later children is calculated based on income after paying support for previous children. I'm sure it would be a shame for you and him to end up divorcing in the future and know that he is paying more child support for the product of his affair than he is paying for your child.


You are probably surprised to read the above post but it illustrates the importance of getting the best legal advice for the situation you're in.


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> You are probably surprised to read the above post but it illustrates the importance of getting the best legal advice for the situation you're in.


Yes I spoke with a lawyer yesterday. I got all my questions answered a lawyer is not necessary at this stage, but we talked about how I protect myself from the financial burden of this, I'm not the type to bury my head in the sand I am trying to cover all aspects and prepare myself asap.


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I personally think if she's going to have this child, that yes the child should be in your life too. The child has a brother and you are the step mother. Set up visitation and love this child as your own. The child is innocent. There is no excuse for what your husband did. Nothing can justify his wrongful actions.
> 
> I've been cheated on before several times with my ex h. There is absolutely no excuse for it. Your husband didn't accidently get her pregnant. It happened due to her ovulating and him having a full blown affair. This OW is in love with your husband and I can see why.
> 
> ...


Yes I completely understand, and she was in love or infatuated with him she always has been he took OW virginity in HS and she has never liked me because I was the one he dated the married after her and I don't think she has ever gotten over him and they took advantage of each other IMO. 
As far as the OW and child are concerned we are working out what is best for us and our family sounds terrible I know but my concern is not the OW or the child. I know the child is innocent but so am I and so is my son and I won't raise him with the OW or child around it's not fair to him he doesn't need that confusion it would be different if he was is a situation where his parents were divorced and there was an actual family enviornment where his father was remarried but that is not the case, once he is grown and old enough to understand I believe I would have no problem explaining it to him but to put that sort of thing out there and expect him to grasp and understand it at 5 really is not an option for me at this point. I know there are so many things to think about and I think about it constantly! Complicated doesn't even begin to explain all this! but I do appreciate all advice and personal suggestions because it really is so much to process and so many decisions have to be made. I believe we are going to sit down with his family today after counseling session and tell them the situation and see how they feel about it too because this really is as our counselor put it "sliming" out onto everyone because of my husbands selfish behavior.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I personally think if she's going to have this child, that yes the child should be in your life too. The child has a brother and you are the step mother. Set up visitation and love this child as your own.


You can`t be serious.

I can`t imagine being capable of such a feat.

Talk about asking for a lifetime of heartbreak and torment.

No thanks. I`ll pass.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You can`t be serious.
> 
> I can`t imagine being capable of such a feat.
> 
> ...


Yeah me too.

My ex husband has children with two other women (that I know of anyway). None while we were married but one before and two after. My kids know of these other kids, have for years, ever since the younger ones were born actually, but they have never had any inclination to get to know them. Kids are like that - their world revolves around THEM till they're grown. Now that they're adults, there's no reason they can't try to contact them on their own, although it might be difficult - the two little ones were adopted out when their mom died (shows you what a winner my ex is eh?)


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

Softly Walking said:


> I was going to write some pretty harsh things here but thought better of it.
> You say you want to protect your child... what happens if this child is his and turns up in 20 years looking for "dad" - then what are you going to tell your kid? Mommy and daddy knew about this child but choose to lie to you rather than be honest, that other kid was nothing but a mistake - it should have been aborted but it's mom was too selfish?
> What happens if your kid grows up, meets the other kid - they fall in love and get married (it happens) - then what?


Well I appreciate that you held back, I think I've said it before I'm not looking to argue but respect that on a public website people will have their opinions. The OW was raised by her grandmother alone and he choice is to raise the child herself with no involvement my husband also does not want OC in our life and does view it as a mistake brought on by a mistake. I guess everyone has different ideas on what protecting their children means. I am protecting him from this situation all together and he will grow up with no knowledge of it. It's a personal choice and in this situation I have to remind myself that there are not any right or wrong choices, the damage is done and its all in how I want to proceed from here on out there is no law stating anyone has to be in the life of a child they don't want, they both made the mistake 50/50 but she made the choice to continue pregnancy 100% on her own, I can not bring myself to feel sorry for her or the child, I'm only human and I am flawed too but it's how I feel, I know not everyone will agree with it.


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## bdl (May 16, 2012)

tacoma said:


> You can`t be serious.
> 
> I can`t imagine being capable of such a feat.
> 
> ...


I can't either, and that is why I chose not to for myself and my son. As soon as she found out and told him which was two weeks after the "accident" and before I even found out, he told her that he was not in any position to take on being a father to the child so she knew he did not intend on being in the child's life. If my husband had decided to be a part of the OC life I think my decision would have been very different.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

My dad had a child before he met my mom. He paid child support every month but was not involved in his life in any way. My dad says now that they just had a ONS, she tracked him down told him she was pregnant a few months later, he told her that he was not in love with her and he thought the best thing would be for her to find someone who loved her and wanted to be a husband to her and father to her baby. And she did just that. Not saying that was the right thing to do, I don't know, but it seemed to work for everyone involved. My dad would bring up here and there during my childhood that I did have a brother, his name was X, and I could find him if i wanted to when I got older. I never wanted to until I was a teenager. He lived about 15 miles from me. My sister met him through mutual friends. He actually hit on my (and his) sister until he realized who she actually was. So I think you should definitely tell your child what this possible biological sibling's name when he's a teen if you live anywhere remotely close by. I think a lot of the connection we feel for our families is on a biological level and if a couple of teenagers feel it for each other, they might mistake it for a romantic magnetism if they don't know that they are actually related.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree with the OP that it's not in her or her childs best intention to have a relationship with the OC. If the OW moves forward with her pg, knowing she will have no contact with the man....its her choice. Yes he will have to pay but you can't force a relationship. And it's truly a sad thing that this OW gets to tell her child, your bio dad didn't love me AND was married to someone else. Yuck.

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Well, OP decided to stay in the relationship. It's not the child's fault.

If this happened to me, I'd pack up and leave without looking back. I've been cheated on and I left without hesitation.

This child will feel rejected if the father does not stay in a part of his life. I know this and how hurtful it is. I've delt with this with my own daughter. It was awful that her biological father shut her out and hates her. It destroyed her emotionally to be rejected in this manner.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> This child will feel rejected if the father does not stay in a part of his life.


How do you miss what you never knew?

I`ve seen my "dad" 3 times in my life.

I`ve never given the guy a second thought.

I never felt rejected and had no desire to even know the guy.

His existence or non existence means absolutely nothing to me.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Well, OP decided to stay in the relationship. It's not the child's fault.
> 
> If this happened to me, I'd pack up and leave without looking back. I've been cheated on and I left without hesitation.
> 
> This child will feel rejected if the father does not stay in a part of his life. I know this and how hurtful it is. I've delt with this with my own daughter. It was awful that her biological father shut her out and hates her. It destroyed her emotionally to be rejected in this manner.


Did her bio Dad leave after she was born? Because that is pretty crappy and karma will get him. But this situation, as I understand was that the guy told he OW right away, I don't want this and won't participate. So the OW has a heads up, she can make an informed choice...us woman have choices, adoption, abortion...ect...and if she chooses to go the pg by a married man route...knowing full well he isn't going to be around, then it's on her. 

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## Jeanna (May 19, 2012)

bdl said:


> Hi, I've been married a little over 5 years (married at 19) with a 5 year old son at home. My marriage has been anything but easy and my husband had an affair with a girl he used to date in HS. Very unfortunately he got her pregnant even though she claimed to be on bc for 4 years and it was part of her routine, their relationship consisted of him calling her up to have sex when he was belligerently drunk, not condoning it but his intention was not to leave his family or to start a new one just to get off and "she made it easy", his words. She made a claim to be pregnant about 2 weeks after they had sex, he told her that he was in no way able to nor did he want to have any part in this, she wanted to keep seeing him I guess so they continued a sexual relationship but did NOT talk about the pregnancy at all (according to him). Of course after a month he decided to start pulling away from her due to the fact that she started making threats to tell me, tell his family, run off with the baby etc if he did not divorce me and move out immediately. realizing that what he had done was about to change his life and cause some serious problems he reached out to me admitted the affair and I found out about the pregnancy. My first reaction was SHE IS LYING! I've know this girl a long time we all worked together in hs thats how we all met he dated me then dated her than dated me and married me, something I know she was not ok with she doesn't like me and has gone after my husband trying to "reclaim" him before and is totally the type to think that a baby is gonna get her what she wants. So I obviously was thinking that she was trying to scare him into leaving me and that it wasn't true. I told him to tell me everything she told him about the pregnancy and what nights the slept together and he did, he was 100% honest and it seemed like there was a 50/50 chance she was lying, he said on jan 15 after his bowling league was over he was drunk texted her to come get him and he accidentally "went" inside her (no they didn't use a condom, and yes I know he is a total ****ing idiot, I remind him everyday, we are in counseling i'm working on my anger).
> So basically we have been working on our marriage and our communication, his priorities have completely changed and he is 100% committed to our marriage and family, he has changed his email and blocked her # from calling texting basically contacting him all together, this pissed her off and she proceeded to text me and tell me that she's "not trying to be a ***** but..." I told her she didn't need to tell me anything because I already know everything, that caught her off guard and she got mad and started going on about how he has to pay her medical bill and child support and all kinds of stuff and that she already has a lawyer. I told her as soon as paternity is established then he will accept the consequences of his mistakes. recently she has come out to facebook that she is pregnant (so she isn't lying). My husband and I have talked about it and his decision is to pay support if that is the route she decides to go, he has no idea of her intentions since they have not had any communication since feb and she knew that he didn't want any involvement from the start leaving he plenty of time to seek alternate routes. she decided to keep the baby knowing he is married with a child at home and he did not want to be a part of it. That's HER choice not mine and I respect it end of story, but what comes with that is knowledge that she will be 100% a single mother with a check in the mail. I have to protect my son from his fathers mistakes he has always been a good father and a good husband he takes care of us 100% and it's just unfortunate that in a low point of our marriage he turned to drinking and trying to make himself feel better by reaching out to someone who would only bring him down further. A lot of this is me venting I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of his mistake i.e. emotionally, mentally and actively calling lawyers researching everything! and he really wants to "move on" and it seems like he isn't living in reality, he is acting like its not happening at all. I just want to know if there is any light at the end of the tunnel, how do you live your life normally? any insight would really help me I'm having a roller coaster of emotions, but I do love my husband and I am willing to work this out with him as frustrating and hurtful as it is, counseling seems to help but I just have nobody who I can relate to, and I'm scared of what the future holds.:scratchhead:


I commend you for even being able to stay. I know that so many women has gone through the same thing, and although I have recently discovered infidelity in my relationship I have not had to deal with and infidelity of an off spring. I'm sure a paternity test will be done, and hopefully your husband will do the right thing if this is proven to be true. Unfortunately, this opens up a new chapter for you, only you can decide how it will turn out. My question is did he run and tell you because she wanted more than he wanted to give? All I know is he should be grateful he had place to run back too, not to many women would be this forgiving.
.


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## Jeanna (May 19, 2012)

bdl said:


> being cheated on is something that is very serious I don't take this lightly at all, but i'm not so quick to drop my husband and I'm not looking to have to defend my choice just simply want someone to relate to.


You should not defend your choices. Only you know what is best, and, as my mom always says, 'God don't give us more than we can handle'. However, this is out in the open, you know what the next step is, so there should be no anxiety about that. But worrying about what your husband's next step is should not be an issue. You are the victim in this and because of his choices a child may be added to the list. Agree upon and set ground rules of communication if he turn out to be the father. because according to what you've said if he's acting like nothing really happened that is because he doesn't feel the repercussion of his actions. If he knows and values what he can lose his response will be different. bdl.


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## blindedEL (May 23, 2012)

I am very sorry for your situation and I feel your pain. I just found out that my husband was having an affair and the OW claims she is pregnant. She is 50 this August & I feel that she decided to use the pregancy to make my husband "out her" to me. How selfish the both of them are. My husband was still grieving the loss of his mother, and 2 brothers all in the course of 18 months. I thought he was still grieving, but just found out he reached out to someone else. I am heart broken - and I am torn about what to do. How do you maintain respect for someone who you have basically laid your life down for? This is blatent disrespect at it's worst & lack of appreciation for the sacrifices made for him & our family. It is entirely selfish. How do you keep his bad behavior from your children & still try to get through each day? It is embarassing, humilating and to add insult to injury, my husband wants to sweep it under the rug - he does not want to let me vent or even try to reach out to me to console me. I met the OW when I found out & she claimed she did not want anything. But, we both knew that was a lie. I maintained my dignity & did not let her know that I was upset. Although I did tell her that she could NOT have my husband. She claimed she was not trying to break up my family, but clearly she is because she would not have made the statement. She has an agenda & my husband claims he is torn between the child he never had (our children are not his biological children) & wanting to save his family. If I stay, I will always have the OW & her child in my life. I take my hat off to you for being able to work through the situation. I have asked my husband to leave - he won't. I have thought about leaving my own home, but I did not commit the offense. He is nasty & defensive. He does not understand that I am NOT the offender here, he is. So, he has to deal with the hand dealt now. His lack of understanding makes me want to just walk away. There is a lot to lose for the both of us - our children's respect, our business, his reputation & his integrity in the community. If the story got out, he would be ruined. I think the OW knows this. It is a battle to see which one of us he chooses. This is difficult to deal with. I still have to work & my child is still in school. Putting on a brave face & trying to get up each morning is very difficult. I have turned to God for comfort & direction. Stay strong & I wish you and your family all the luck in this situation. Trust me, I know this is not easy...


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## britt84 (Jun 5, 2012)

Hello! Your story unfortunately sounds a lot like mine, so maybe I can offer some insight. I am 28, My husband is 30. We have been together since I was 16 and he was 18. We had our first son right away. I will say, my husband (who was then just my "boyfriend") used the see lots of women behind my back, I cant say I really would expect anything else since we were still kids pretty much, still very young BUT needless to say, it always broke my heart to find out about these instances and regardless of age, it wasn’t right. Well once our first son turned about 3, I found out he was BOLDLY cheating on me with a girl who lived in the same apt building as close friend of mine. My friend is the one who told me she saw him at this apt building on a regular basis and even over night. I will add, my husband and I were very different, he was a partier and I was more of a home body-he was all about that life, up all night, drinking, clubbing, etc. I would be at home with our son. This girl whom he was cheating on me with is EXACTLY the same as he was, maybe even worse. Worse bc she already had an alcohol addiction at the age of 20. ANYWAY....so I find out, confront him and he comes crawling back to me. So, the night he comes home, his is in the bathroom and his phone rings, the call is missed, I listen to the voicemail............ITS HER! She's claiming she's pregnant! I had NEVER thought that would be my life! I fell apart, he didn’t even act surprised! I was SICK! I had to meet this girl! I HAD TO KNOW WHO COULD POSSIBLY have just messed up my whole world, who is she? He called her, told her he was working things out with me and that he loved me and I had his heart and that the best bet would be for her to get an abortion and that he'd even pay for it. She refused, saying she'd do it all on her own and that she didn’t need him. Well at that point, I couldn’t deal! My heart was so broken that I couldn’t even look at him! I broke it off with him, I made him move out. We were separated a year or more and in that time, he wasn’t with that girl, yes he still saw her and the baby here and there but he lived alone and would take out son and I moved on with someone else and he continued his partying ways and even found new women. Yet this chick started calling me, harassing me, sliced my tires a few times, called my job. It was HELL! Well after that year he and I started getting friendly again, I noticed he still hadn’t gotten a steady girlfriend and we still had feelings for eachother. We ended up moving to a new place and starting over together. After counseling, and trying to mend what was SO BROKEN, we ended up having a new baby....things were going really well with us, and the "baby mom" just got crazier, busted out our home windows, tried to physically attack me while I was pregnant, and just continued on for years to come. WELL THEN!!!!! Over the years, he would slip up, go out all night and after awhile of that again I decided NO! I cannot do this with him, I am too young to be stuck with a cheater! Now, we have two babies and I end up kicking him out and what do you know, he goes to live with that girl! She's the type that has no boundries, she doesn’t care what he does as long as she "has him" so he would always run to her if I had had enough. It was a sick game! It made me so insecure, at a point in my life I became obsessed with finding out why he kept going to her, bc I knew she was ugly, a *****, she was useless, no future ahead of her, she was a severe alcoholic and I am the opposite of all of that-and I am NOT bragging...this is just how I saw this. Well anyway during his short stay with her, he knocked her up again. It didn’t hurt so bad that time. Almost as if I was used to the disfunction. He STILL wasn’t with her, told her again to get an abortion, she refused, and in turn she would just keep him from seeing the kids UNLESS of course, he wanted to be with her too. Since he didn’t she didn’t let him see the kids bc he was with me. So now today we do see the kids here and there and the girl tries to be nice to me, but it STILL (8 yrs later) tears me up, its still always on my mind, I still have such a hard time with it all. He tries so hard to show me how much he loves me and we are now married and have 3 boys and we live a good life, we just bought a home, we have stable jobs, we go to church and we have a lot of family time with the boys but in the back of my mind this history will always haunt me, every time hw communicates with this girl about the kids, I get paranoid, im nice to her but it isn’t easy! I don’t trust him fully, although things have progressed a lot. I don’t know if my feelings of hurt will ever go away but I chose to stay with him and now I need to accept reality and move on. I try more day to day and my feelings change from day to day but I keep praying and things to get easier! I hope the same for you bc I know how hard a situation like this is!


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## nenaj1 (Jun 7, 2012)

Well I hope you won't keep your husband away from the child. Alot of women make that mistake and end up messing up a childs life.


I cannot believe you even stayed with this man. Who cares about saving marriage yadda yadda. if my husband cheats on me I am dumping his @%%

Don't worry about what family will think. You just tell them you have decided to separate because things weren't going well.

Don't make it a stupid competition about whos gonna end up with him.

Thats high school crap.

I am sure you will find someone else.

And I can guarantee that he will be going back to her behind your back after things cool down.

I have seen it many times before.

Then the wife finds out again the man runs back saying he loves her and making up lies.

Leave him while you can.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I think a woman who decides to have a child by a married man, when the man tells her he won't participate...is the one messing up the child. Not the spouse who was betrayed!!!!


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## nenaj1 (Jun 7, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> I think a woman who decides to have a child by a married man, when the man tells her he won't participate...is the one messing up the child. Not the spouse who was betrayed!!!!



Oh please. A real man needs to man up and deal with it. Oh yeah she should have an abortion people would say. Screw anyone who blames a woman for not killing an innocent baby. And as for the wife who is an idiot for staying with a the cheater and who is proud of her husband being a dead beat....you should be ashamed of yourself. Teach your husband how to be a real man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

I've been through this as well but I was your husband. I decided not to stay with my wife and left her. We did not have any children of our own. I understand what your husband is going through so much. 

A couple things. He probably is going to minimize what happened with the OW. Just expect that. That is the natural response. It is good he wants to work things out. 

Do not be embarrassed for wanting to fight for your marriage. That is your right and I am sure there are reasons why you love your husband. We are more than our mistakes. 

Can't give you any advice about the OC situation or how to deal with OW. With me OC is my only child and I am involved with her every single day and she is my world. That isn't your situation at all. 

Good luck.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

bdl said:


> Yes I completely understand, and she was in love or infatuated with him she always has been he took OW virginity in HS and she has never liked me because I was the one he dated the married after her and I don't think she has ever gotten over him and they took advantage of each other IMO.
> As far as the OW and child are concerned we are working out what is best for us and our family sounds terrible I know but my concern is not the OW or the child. I know the child is innocent but so am I and so is my son and I won't raise him with the OW or child around it's not fair to him he doesn't need that confusion it would be different if he was is a situation where his parents were divorced and there was an actual family enviornment where his father was remarried but that is not the case, once he is grown and old enough to understand I believe I would have no problem explaining it to him but to put that sort of thing out there and expect him to grasp and understand it at 5 really is not an option for me at this point. I know there are so many things to think about and I think about it constantly! Complicated doesn't even begin to explain all this! but I do appreciate all advice and personal suggestions because it really is so much to process and so many decisions have to be made. I believe we are going to sit down with his family today after counseling session and tell them the situation and see how they feel about it too because this really is as our counselor put it "sliming" out onto everyone because of my husbands selfish behavior.


you will not raise your child with the other woman or the other child around??? this is the most selfish inconsiterate thing you could do if you choose to stay with this lying B you have for a husband! 

That child that is gonna be born, have a father, just so happens to be your husband, but by all means do not deny him his father, and put up an altimatium towards your husband to choose you and your child over this child. That is just simply ignorant! 

Look your husband is 100% to blame here, if you has so much resentment towards an unborn child than you do your husband, big problem. If you dont accept this child, you shouldnt accept your husband back


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## SangFroud (Jun 7, 2012)

Sadly, there are three lives that this affects that did not ask for this to happen, yours, your child and the unborn. The OW has made her choice about what she wants to do - so let her do it...with financial support only from your husband (his choice). The child will survive, I know several children that have, doesn't mean that your hubby won't be made out to be a villian but it is ultimately his choice, and if it is his - at least he is willing to pay child support - some parents won't!

Additionally, you don't have to have anything to do with the child at all but I think your child should be made aware that Daddy has another child with someone so your child doesn't discover it by accident though. That can cause all types of hurt on your child. I would however be very careful if your husband decides to become involved with the child - that opens up situations where the OW can get her claws in again...I would not trust him to be over at her house to visit the child - in fact, should he decide to do that, I'd make sure that I was involved too (but I would make him be the one to take care of the nuturing aspect if it visited). I wouldn't mistreat a child, but I also would not have to be the caretaker either. 

Course the OW probably wouldn't let you be a parent-type to the child even if you wanted to from the way you describe her.

I'd keep my lawyer on retrainer for the time being though - Good Luck!


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## Ramgirl (Jun 11, 2012)

I have just recently discovered this forum and have been a "lurker" I guess, but this post is so similar to my situation I wanted to reply. I have been married for 12 years this summer and we have been together for 16 years. We have one child, a 5 year old. In January 2012 my husband took me on a spur of the moment weekend getaway. Upon arrival, he told me he had had an affair and gotten another woman pregnant. By far the most devastating moment of my life. These last 4 months have been filled with much pain, heartache and anger. We are in counseling and praying hard to save our marriage. The day he told me was the day after the child was born. There was no time to process the pregnancy as the child was here. I was pretty much in shock during the initial days, the betrayal was just too much to bear. The affair was already over, but that didn't ease anything for me. My faith has been the only thing to get me to where I am today. I have never been more amazed at the power of prayer than I am today. I didn't want a divorce, as crazy as that sounds (even to me!). I wanted the life I have spent 16 years building. My husband made a horrible choice and his selfish behavior has changed our lives, my child's and the infant who is a product of this affair. When I made the decision to stay though, I knew I had to accept this man for who is now. He was no longer a man with one child, he has two. For me, if I couldn't accept that, then I couldn't stay. It would not be on my conscious for years that to make my life easier, a child would grow up knowing his biological father financially supported him but did not want to know him. These were adult problems and the adults had to bear the weight of them. My husband chose this, he holds the blame for it. But I partially own where my marriage was when the affair happened. I don't excuse it and I don't offer that as reasoning, but I'm realistic. We both have changes to make to ensure we never go through this again. There are no next-times. 
We told our child a few weeks ago about the baby and my husband recently went to court and obtained joint custody with visitation. The baby is at our home a few days a week for a few hours a time. It hasn't been easy, but I have consistently prayed that I not look at this child as a reminder of my pain. His mother? Now that's a different story. Our daughter has accepted her brother with joy and that too has been difficult to get through. I knew she would one day know of her brother and I believe she has the right to a relationship with him. He has the right to a relationship with my husband. He earned that the day he was conceived. Does it hurt? Of course. But I pray that someday the affair won't hurt so much, that I will be stronger for it. And I pray that this child will have added much to our lives. Guess we'll see. 
Anyway, I ended up saying much more than I intended. I really just wanted to say that yes, there are others who are feeling the pain you are and I'm sorry for you and anyone else who is going through such an experience. I know my choices may not be yours, but maybe you will consider them. I would say pray about them. Good luck to you.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Your husband cheated on you multiple times before marriage and got someone else pregnant TWICE, yet you still chose to marry him afterwards. Now he has made 2 kids with that other woman, who acts like a lunatic and destroys your property. Yet you've continued to stay with him. You've chosen this hurt for yourself. Kicking him out and then repeatedly giving him another chance hasn't helped anything. I cannot believe you would have the sense to marry a man like this after he showed you repeatedly that he couldn't be trusted. Although you married a horrible man, you have created your own suffering by not standing up for yourself and moving on permanently to find someone better.



britt84 said:


> Hello! Your story unfortunately sounds a lot like mine, so maybe I can offer some insight. I am 28, My husband is 30. We have been together since I was 16 and he was 18. We had our first son right away. I will say, my husband (who was then just my "boyfriend") used the see lots of women behind my back, I cant say I really would expect anything else since we were still kids pretty much, still very young BUT needless to say, it always broke my heart to find out about these instances and regardless of age, it wasn’t right. Well once our first son turned about 3, I found out he was BOLDLY cheating on me with a girl who lived in the same apt building as close friend of mine. My friend is the one who told me she saw him at this apt building on a regular basis and even over night. I will add, my husband and I were very different, he was a partier and I was more of a home body-he was all about that life, up all night, drinking, clubbing, etc. I would be at home with our son. This girl whom he was cheating on me with is EXACTLY the same as he was, maybe even worse. Worse bc she already had an alcohol addiction at the age of 20. ANYWAY....so I find out, confront him and he comes crawling back to me. So, the night he comes home, his is in the bathroom and his phone rings, the call is missed, I listen to the voicemail............ITS HER! She's claiming she's pregnant! I had NEVER thought that would be my life! I fell apart, he didn’t even act surprised! I was SICK! I had to meet this girl! I HAD TO KNOW WHO COULD POSSIBLY have just messed up my whole world, who is she? He called her, told her he was working things out with me and that he loved me and I had his heart and that the best bet would be for her to get an abortion and that he'd even pay for it. She refused, saying she'd do it all on her own and that she didn’t need him. Well at that point, I couldn’t deal! My heart was so broken that I couldn’t even look at him! I broke it off with him, I made him move out. We were separated a year or more and in that time, he wasn’t with that girl, yes he still saw her and the baby here and there but he lived alone and would take out son and I moved on with someone else and he continued his partying ways and even found new women. Yet this chick started calling me, harassing me, sliced my tires a few times, called my job. It was HELL! Well after that year he and I started getting friendly again, I noticed he still hadn’t gotten a steady girlfriend and we still had feelings for eachother. We ended up moving to a new place and starting over together. After counseling, and trying to mend what was SO BROKEN, we ended up having a new baby....things were going really well with us, and the "baby mom" just got crazier, busted out our home windows, tried to physically attack me while I was pregnant, and just continued on for years to come. WELL THEN!!!!! Over the years, he would slip up, go out all night and after awhile of that again I decided NO! I cannot do this with him, I am too young to be stuck with a cheater! Now, we have two babies and I end up kicking him out and what do you know, he goes to live with that girl! She's the type that has no boundries, she doesn’t care what he does as long as she "has him" so he would always run to her if I had had enough. It was a sick game! It made me so insecure, at a point in my life I became obsessed with finding out why he kept going to her, bc I knew she was ugly, a *****, she was useless, no future ahead of her, she was a severe alcoholic and I am the opposite of all of that-and I am NOT bragging...this is just how I saw this. Well anyway during his short stay with her, he knocked her up again. It didn’t hurt so bad that time. Almost as if I was used to the disfunction. He STILL wasn’t with her, told her again to get an abortion, she refused, and in turn she would just keep him from seeing the kids UNLESS of course, he wanted to be with her too. Since he didn’t she didn’t let him see the kids bc he was with me. So now today we do see the kids here and there and the girl tries to be nice to me, but it STILL (8 yrs later) tears me up, its still always on my mind, I still have such a hard time with it all. He tries so hard to show me how much he loves me and we are now married and have 3 boys and we live a good life, we just bought a home, we have stable jobs, we go to church and we have a lot of family time with the boys but in the back of my mind this history will always haunt me, every time hw communicates with this girl about the kids, I get paranoid, im nice to her but it isn’t easy! I don’t trust him fully, although things have progressed a lot. I don’t know if my feelings of hurt will ever go away but I chose to stay with him and now I need to accept reality and move on. I try more day to day and my feelings change from day to day but I keep praying and things to get easier! I hope the same for you bc I know how hard a situation like this is!


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## Mandynga (Jan 11, 2013)

Just joined today...hey everyone.

My husband of 18 years is expecting a baby with an OLD flame on Feb 8, 2013. 

We went through a rough patch/rut the past few years, him leaving me with all the household responsibilities and kids (we have 3. My oldest was 1 when him and I got together, he's been dad ever since. 

He found a girl he used to know when he was 14 on Facebook in 2011. In July 2011 he told me he needed time, I didn't know about this woman. He moved out Aug 2011. He ended up calling or texting me at least once a day then would take me and the kids out for dinner and a movie EVERY Friday and stay over the weekend. I did find out about her (another story). He moved home in January 2012...then starting acting distance and weird. said he was feeling like he did before...I was going to move out and call it quits but he always reeled me back in. 

We decided to move to start anew. We moved May 2012, again off and on just not right (I've been with him half my life, I can read him). I left and stayed at a friends house all of August and September. A mutual friend of ours sent me a text with a pic from his FB page of him commenting on a pic. It was her. I confronted him and he admitted it was inappropriate. On 11/17 she posted an ultrasound pic and I confronted him asking if it was his, he finally admitted "yes" she is having his baby. Prior to this discovery I filled out all the forms for divorce and told him if he really wants this marriage he will prove it to me (since the process takes 6 months). That got his attention. he's been making an effort and almost feel I have my old hubby back...then he tells me he has to run an errand (baby related) or go with her to her appt...I told him to be open with me but when he tells me it upsets me...He's hept a few visit quiet because he doesn't like getting the silent treatment afterwards. 

I've messaged her several times with no response. he says they are just friends and just wanting to be involved...she's having a high risk pregnancy so said he doesn't want to tell her he's decided to work it out with me until after the baby so as not to cause any stress related problems...I see pregnant women and babies and reminded everyday of this. He hasn't told our kids yet, they are going to be devastated...the womens daughter goes to the same high school and know each other.

I'm trying to prepare my mind for the worst...My youngest is 13 this year and once turns 18 I'll have an empty nest and he'll be starting all over, he may just decide once our kids are grown that he know needs to be a family with this woman and baby. It's a small world, everyone knows everyone. Just wondering now how holidays and birthdays are going to be...TOTALLY HEART BROKEN, just looking for support of others who've gone trough this.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

bdl said:


> Hi, I've been married a little over 5 years (married at 19) with a 5 year old son at home. My marriage has been anything but easy and my husband had an affair with a girl he used to date in HS. Very unfortunately he got her pregnant even though she claimed to be on bc for 4 years and it was part of her routine, their relationship consisted of him calling her up to have sex when he was belligerently drunk, not condoning it but his intention was not to leave his family or to start a new one just to get off and "she made it easy", his words. She made a claim to be pregnant about 2 weeks after they had sex, he told her that he was in no way able to nor did he want to have any part in this, she wanted to keep seeing him I guess so they continued a sexual relationship but did NOT talk about the pregnancy at all (according to him). Of course after a month he decided to start pulling away from her due to the fact that she started making threats to tell me, tell his family, run off with the baby etc if he did not divorce me and move out immediately. realizing that what he had done was about to change his life and cause some serious problems he reached out to me admitted the affair and I found out about the pregnancy. My first reaction was SHE IS LYING! I've know this girl a long time we all worked together in hs thats how we all met he dated me then dated her than dated me and married me, something I know she was not ok with she doesn't like me and has gone after my husband trying to "reclaim" him before and is totally the type to think that a baby is gonna get her what she wants. So I obviously was thinking that she was trying to scare him into leaving me and that it wasn't true. I told him to tell me everything she told him about the pregnancy and what nights the slept together and he did, he was 100% honest and it seemed like there was a 50/50 chance she was lying, he said on jan 15 after his bowling league was over he was drunk texted her to come get him and he accidentally "went" inside her (no they didn't use a condom, and yes I know he is a total ****ing idiot, I remind him everyday, we are in counseling i'm working on my anger).
> So basically we have been working on our marriage and our communication, his priorities have completely changed and he is 100% committed to our marriage and family, he has changed his email and blocked her # from calling texting basically contacting him all together, this pissed her off and she proceeded to text me and tell me that she's "not trying to be a ***** but..." I told her she didn't need to tell me anything because I already know everything, that caught her off guard and she got mad and started going on about how he has to pay her medical bill and child support and all kinds of stuff and that she already has a lawyer. I told her as soon as paternity is established then he will accept the consequences of his mistakes. recently she has come out to facebook that she is pregnant (so she isn't lying). My husband and I have talked about it and his decision is to pay support if that is the route she decides to go, he has no idea of her intentions since they have not had any communication since feb and she knew that he didn't want any involvement from the start leaving he plenty of time to seek alternate routes. she decided to keep the baby knowing he is married with a child at home and he did not want to be a part of it. That's HER choice not mine and I respect it end of story, but what comes with that is knowledge that she will be 100% a single mother with a check in the mail. I have to protect my son from his fathers mistakes he has always been a good father and a good husband he takes care of us 100% and it's just unfortunate that in a low point of our marriage he turned to drinking and trying to make himself feel better by reaching out to someone who would only bring him down further. A lot of this is me venting I feel like I have taken on the responsibility of his mistake i.e. emotionally, mentally and actively calling lawyers researching everything! and he really wants to "move on" and it seems like he isn't living in reality, he is acting like its not happening at all. I just want to know if there is any light at the end of the tunnel, how do you live your life normally? any insight would really help me I'm having a roller coaster of emotions, but I do love my husband and I am willing to work this out with him as frustrating and hurtful as it is, counseling seems to help but I just have nobody who I can relate to, and I'm scared of what the future holds.:scratchhead:


 
This right here is the main reason why some people stay and put up with a cheater- SIMPLY because they dont want to feel like they've been beat or the other woman won or if you leave him, he will go be with her..... 

I'm not saying this is your case but a lot of times it becomes the fight of the two women while the man sits back watching two women bicker- in the mean time- he can still sleep with both women while they are arguing at each other when they need to wake up and see who caused all this mess. 

He called her up from what I read and she "made it easy"-- but your husband called her and got her pregnant.... so my question is you plan to stay bacause what now? I'm just wondering.......


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