# Seriously considering an affair



## BicMarkit (Oct 30, 2012)

(Sorry - I moved this from another board)

My husband and I have been together 14 yrs, married for 2. No kids. We are both our only partners/first loves. He works full-time, I'm a grad student. we've been going to counselling for a few months because I was concerned that we don't have sex very often (only 1x a month, and only if I initiate) He has stopped initiating completely. This has been going on for 5-6 years, since we've lived together.

When we talk about our problems, it's always me that needs to make the changes, he's already changed a lot and already 'suffered' and sacrificed enough. He is referring to the fact that Im still in school, aiming fro a degree that will get me a well-paid job.
His job is tiring and in some ways is a dead end. He told me the other day, he wants me to make 100,000 a year. (I currently dont have much of a salary, student grants only, and the job I will start with, I'll make probably 58-60 gs of I'm lucky.
So, their is a lot of resentment on his part, although he denies it. I approach him for sex, but I get denied at least 2x a month. I got rejected a lot by him, and I approach him minimally. 

In order to make up for his resentment, he expects me to cook, clean, and have children not long after grad school. He really wants the domesticated housewife kind of woman, but I'm a career kind of woman, not big on having children, and not overly a germophobe like he (he has high standards in my opinion) ..oh ya, he masturbates like every 2 to 3 days - he told me that he masturbates to arm candy - and this took him years to tell me because he wouldn't tell me what kind of porn he likes.
Writing this, I feel really sad, and it causes me to think of my male friend. I have a close friend that I've confided in, and my situation makes me want to proposition him for sex, but I feel that that is not really me, I never believed in cheating. But at the same time - I'm starving. I've told my husband that I would need to see another man if we weren't going to have sex more, and he just said nothing really, or I know. And that he is hurting too. 
I just feel he wants me to be someone I'm not, he's never happy with what I do for him (because he's always expecting things) and it's always me that needs 'fixing'. I can't take this! I'm considering that I may have to leave, and get a divorce.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

14 years AND an education, and the two of you couldn't even figure out what your expectations were in marriage. Husband masturbates to "arm candy" (whatever that is) and doesn't want his wife, she tell him she'll need another man and he agrees. He wants kids, she wants a career.

*Seriously? And you two decided after 12 years to get married?*

Get the divorce first, then go find a sex partner. If your husband looks perplexed when you hand him the papers, hand him a box of tissues and "arm candy" (again, whatever that is).

T


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## BicMarkit (Oct 30, 2012)

yeah...I don't even know what arm candy is...

thanks for your reply Tony!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Let me get this straight. Your husband works in a dead end job to the point where is he so shot that he falls in bed dead tired every night
He does this so you can go to school and have the career you always wanted. 
He asks that in between doing what you want [with him paying] you clean up the house a bit and let him sleep. 

Hmm.. Now . You are in an emotional afffair with another man and he is telling you that " Really, you deserve to be loved for who you are, smart, sexy and intelligent. Your H is really nice but you have outgrown him" ? Something like that maybe??

You both conveniently forget to remember that your husband is paying for all this both in money and in energy. 
Your H does this for you. 
Because he loves you. 

I would say he is right at the end of his tether and looking for the end of your study so he can ease off a bit!

Don't continue the EA. Stop seeing this OM and sort out your lives together, even if that means separation. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

If you don't have the will to see this through in your marriage what makes you think you will have the will to work on any other relationship once it gets tough? 

I'm not saying you haven't been working on your marriage. What I am saying is that you guys said "Till death do us part." Not "Until I get sick of you."


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What ever you choose, do not have the affair. Infidelity never helps, it will take your bad situation and make it infinitely WORSE, guaranteed.

You are already in an emotional affair with the other guy, whether you realize it or not. If you want to save your self respect, that has to stop. Now. If you cannot quit the guy on your own,then you have a big problem. You will have to tell your husband. You need to go totally no contact with the other guy.

You need to figure out how to communicate with your husband in a way that he will hear you. You both want the other to change, you're waiting for it, meanwhile the ship is sinking. You can only change yourself. Start by ending the ea, you probably don't realize it but it is sucking energy out of your marriage, making things worse.

Read books, like Divorce Busting, and Fight less, Love More. These give you strategies to improve your marriage on your side, and in turn your husband will have to react. If he keeps his head up his ass, then maybe you will need to divorce, but at least make an effort to get help first. Go to IC, share your story, and have a goal to work toward. It might seem hopeless, like you've already tried everything, but my marriage was the same way, and we were wrong. It wasn't actually that hard to address our problems, once we got the right attitude and ideas to push us in the right direction.

But believe me, if you cheat, you will regret it more than you can possibly imagine. Read some of these threads to see the pain cheating causes. It's immense, and these threads barely begin to scratch the surface.


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## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

Having an affair does nothing but defile your honour and integrity. Ask youself "if I have an affair, can I be trusted in all of my other relationships?"

"Is this the treatment the man that is financing my education deserves?"

My advice to you, seeing as you have enough energy at the end of the day to have an affair, maybe you should go out and get a 20 - 25 hour a week job AND do your studies. I have two kids doing that. It's called being responsible for yourself.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

old_soldier said:


> Having an affair does nothing but defile your honour and integrity. Ask youself "if I have an affair, can I be trusted in all of my other relationships?"
> 
> "Is this the treatment the man that is financing my education deserves?"
> 
> My advice to you, seeing as you have enough energy at the end of the day to have an affair, maybe you should go out and get a 20 - 25 hour a week job AND do your studies. I have two kids doing that. It's called being responsible for yourself.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Stop the EA - don't take it any further.

I really, really, really wish I had found this forum before I made some of the choices I made. We were at such a bad spot in our marriage. 

I think if I had filed for divorce, either it would have snapped us both out of the rut we were in and helped us fix it OR we would have gone separate ways, leaving us both free to be happy. 

Making the choice I did left me feeling ashamed, regretful and completely without integrity.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

As well...he wants children, sounds like you don't..why did you get married. As well..you do not sound like that much of a prize yourself! Not sure what the arm candy thing is as well....

Please do not bring children into this screwed up marriage.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Stop the EA - don't take it any further.
> 
> I really, really, really wish I had found this forum before I made some of the choices I made. We were at such a bad spot in our marriage.
> 
> ...


Take TCS's advice here. Go no further, end it with the OM and threaten divorce. Had my wife done this, we would be in an entirely different, and healthier, place. 

It sounds like you guys are at cross purposes in a lot of ways. You are not on the same page in your marriage. I would never encourage divorce, but you guys have a lot to work out. At least thinking about being apart may give you reason to think about why you might stay together.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

bobka said:


> Take TCS's advice here. Go no further, end it with the OM and threaten divorce. Had my wife done this, we would be in an entirely different, and healthier, place.
> 
> It sounds like you guys are at cross purposes in a lot of ways. You are not on the same page in your marriage. I would never encourage divorce, but you guys have a lot to work out. At least thinking about being apart may give you reason to think about why you might stay together.


I would refine that and not say 'threaten divorce' - FILE for divorce and mean it. Empty threats just confuse the issue.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BicMarkit said:


> we've been going to counselling for a few months because I was concerned that we don't have sex very often (only 1x a month, and only if I initiate) He has stopped initiating completely. This has been going on for 5-6 years, since we've lived together.


Very bad news


> oh ya, he masturbates like every 2 to 3 days - he told me that he masturbates to arm candy - and this took him years to tell me because he wouldn't tell me what kind of porn he likes.


He has huge issues, 3 days a day while witholding sex from his partner amounts to addiction/compulstive behavior. He copes with his intimathy issues acting out sexually. Boredom causes anxiety. The rest are all excuses to deflect the attention from himself and his issues.. Very bad news. I'd keylog the PC to find out where's his mind.


> I have a close friend that I've confided in, and my situation makes me want to proposition him for sex


Very bad news, you already crossed boundaires. Confiding in opposite sex friends is wrong. You are likely in a EA. Thinking on jumping to the physical levels is basicaly trying to fix your pain by shooting your brains out. Don't lower yourself.


> I can't take this! I'm considering that I may have to leave, and get a divorce.


Its way better. Maybe a last chance in MC. Can you envision an exit plan?
It doesn't seem you have too much in common.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

ing said:


> Let me get this stright. Your husband works in a dead end job to the point where is he so shot that he falls in bed dead tired every night
> He does this so you can go to school and have the career you always wanted.
> He asks that in between doing what you want [with him paying] you clean up the house a bit and let him sleep.
> 
> ...


I agree - listen my ex would complain and bicker over every small little thing and then expect to have hot sex after doing that and I said to her continually - destroying a man's sense of being and then wanting to have sex with him afterwards does not make one want to get hot and horny afterwards. She never learned. Then when I was busting my hindy for the family and she wasnt working she would complain about being under appreciated - but fail to recognize how tired I was. 

You never know that your spouse might just be having feelings of his own to deal with - insecurities about you becoming more educated - have you thought of him at all?

To top all of this off - you befriend a coworker who has the easiest of jobs in the world - to float into your life make a comment about how underappreciated YOU are and how you deserve better - WHILE YOUR HUSBAND IS OUT THERE PAYING THE BILLS! What a schmuck!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I agree - listen my ex would complain and bicker over every small little thing and then expect to have hot sex after doing that and I said to her continually - destroying a man's sense of being and then wanting to have sex with him afterwards does not make one want to get hot and horny afterwards. She never learned. Then when I was busting my hindy for the family and she wasnt working she would complain about being under appreciated - but fail to recognize how tired I was.
> 
> You never know that your spouse might just be having feelings of his own to deal with - insecurities about you becoming more educated - have you thought of him at all?
> 
> To top all of this off - you befriend a coworker who has the easiest of jobs in the world - to float into your life make a comment about how underappreciated YOU are and how you deserve better - WHILE YOUR HUSBAND IS OUT THERE PAYING THE BILLS! What a schmuck!


:iagree:


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Very bad news He has huge issues, 3 days a day while witholding sex from his partner amounts to addiction/compulstive behavior. He copes with his intimathy issues acting out sexually.


Hey, Acabado, I think she meant that he masturbates at least once every two to three days, not 3 times a day, lol. :smthumbup:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Hey, Acabado, I think she meant that he masturbates at least once every two to three days, not 3 times a day, lol. :smthumbup:


You are right, I read it wrong. The numbers are healthy. The sexless marriage bit is not.

I recant the whole paragraph. Should I delete it? What's the norm?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BicMarkit said:


> I can't take this! I'm considering that I may have to leave, and get a divorce.


 I get it. Now that you almost have the degree that he helped pay for, why would you want stick around and share the financial benefits of you working with this degree with your husband? You already have someone else that you want to sleep with, so why wait to see how things go once you start sharing the financial load with your husband? And imagine the nerve of that jerk wanting to have children with you after only being with you for 14 years. I totally get it. He has served his purpose so it is now time to move on.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Definition of Arm Candy - An attractive person who accompanies another to public gatherings but is not romantically involved with that person.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

tcsredhead said:


> stop the ea - don't take it any further.
> 
> I really, really, really wish i had found this forum before i made some of the choices i made. We were at such a bad spot in our marriage.
> 
> ...


listen to this post!!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Affairs always make everything so much worse. It seems as if you'd do it out of revenge for him pleasing himself and not you.

By reading your post, maybe divorce is best. Your unhappy. There is nothing wrong with divorcing your husband because you are unhappy. I assume he's unhappy as well.

Don't have the affair. There is nothing that could ever justify the affair. It's selfish, wrong and the ultimate betrayal. Get rid of your male friend. If you can't, I can bet you that you are in an emotional affair with that man.

I was in an unhappy marriage. My ex had several affairs on me. He blamed me and said I set him up to cheat. How dumb is that. I left and I found the man of my dreams. He was previously divorced, but due to an unhappy marriage.

Your husband has very high expectations of you and the future. I wouldn't do it. Find a man who respects you and you can respect back. If you don't want children, find a man who has that same interest.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

BicMarkit said:


> we've been going to counselling for a few months because I was concerned that *we don't have sex very often (only 1x a month*, and only if *I initiate*) He has stopped initiating completely. This has been going on for 5-6 years...I approach him for sex, but I get denied at least 2x a month. I got rejected a lot by him...*he masturbates* like every 2 to 3 days - he told me that he masturbates to arm candy...h*e wouldn't tell me what kind of porn he likes*...*I've told my husband that I would need to see another man* if we weren't going to have sex more, and *he just said* nothing really, or *I know.*


I can tell you what kind of porn he likes with a 50/50 probability. It's either gay porn or cuckold porn. Keylog his computer and you can find out which it is.

I don't care if this guy hung the moon and gave you the deed, you need to not consider any of that in your decision. Your H is a marriage fraudster.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This reminds me in a way of my sister in law..she wants to have this pampered life which involves her not working and having all the material things...she will tell her husband you do not make enough money to support the family, complains about their lifestyle, etc. etc. (he is a carpenter by trade and has been working for a large construction company for 25 years, makes decent money but her sister is married to a cardiologist so by comparison.....) 

Then she wonders why he has no desire to be intimate with her.


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## BicMarkit (Oct 30, 2012)

hi - okay thanks people - you gave me a harsh reality check.

I've decided to limit my contact with EA guy. I realize the EA part is really in my head (I think) and to him, I don't think it was ever on his mind, and I think my fantasy with him was an escape from my daily life, and the problems I have.

So, I'm being a lot more attentive to what hubby is saying and doing, for me and just in general, looking at how we interact and seeing if we're mis-communicating. I'm hoping that'll help. I figured if I do my best, and it still doesn't work, then it's not me. I'm going to do my best to be a 'good housewife', as he wants, and to my standards, and see if that is good enough, and okay for me so that I can continue that way.

Btw, I do make a salary as a student and I have an internship - so I do work and I do school work as well.

Someone mentioned that maybe he feels inadequate or inferior because of my schooling - It is possible. He has said things that make me think so, although I never think of him in that way so these thoughts never really sunk in, until now. But I guess that is something i can help him work on - by reassuring him.

Anyways - I'm hoping with this the sex life gets better. I see in his interactions with me that he is resentful, but I hope that improves by me making it up in other ways.

chime in! Thanks for the advice about the affairs - there is a lot I haven't thought about, and I've been reading the other boards here.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You ought to add some relationship books to your reading list. I recommend Divorce Busting, it will help you communicate differently. Gottman's 7 Principles is good for improving your marriage and can help you reconnect. Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends can highlight problem behaviours with your interaction with other people.

However it goes for you, please realize infidelity will never make any situation better. It is cowardly, and ironically will cause more pain than any course of action you are seeking to avoid by indulging in infidelity.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

BicMarkit said:


> hi - okay thanks people - you gave me a harsh reality check.
> 
> I've decided to *limit my contact with EA guy*. I realize the EA part is really in my head (I think) and to him, *I don't think it was ever on his mind*, and I think my fantasy with him was an escape from my daily life, and the problems I have.
> 
> ...


Don't limit your contact - no contact! You already let this schmoe into your relationship by discussing it with him and him telling you "you deserve better" and guess what better is..yea him! and he will be around to prove he is right. He only has his interests in mind. 

Oh you were on his mind alright or else he would not have said that - he would have told you to go work on your relationship instead or would have told you to work on your marriage. There is an interplay going on here - my experience is NO EA goes on by one person. You know it and so does he.

I was the one who mentioned he might feel inferior - when my ex got overly involved in her work - I would pull back feeling I did not matter to her anymore to see if she noticed. Guys do not express their feelings as openly as women do (or at least I did not) - I wanted her to come towards me and tell me what I meant to her and that I was the most important thing to her - but her actions screamed to me, that I was the thing that mattered least to her. So did you think I wanted to get hot and wild with her? No chance - I was busy wondering whether I mattered at all.

About your relationship, here's a thought - tell your husband your feelings. I mean, you are sitting there having these feelings for another dude and discussing them with us and your husband (your primary person) doesnt know anything about it. If I knew my ex was having feelings for another dude like she was - I would have done anything to correct the matter - but I wasnt given the opportunity (nor do most BS) until it was too late - now it doesnt matter. The choice was taken away from me.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I didn't read all the responses, so someone may have already suggested it. Have you considered the possibility he's gay? I'm just saying.


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## BicMarkit (Oct 30, 2012)

No he's definitely not gay. 
I think we differ on a lot of fundamental aspects of a relationship

we have different religious views (agnostic (him) & Catholic)
we have different ideas about the ideal type of home to live
we have different ideas about when to have a child & how many
we will have different parenting styles (if ever) 
we don't have common interests
I'm in grad school, he's a full time worker since 6 yrs ago
what we want in life seems to be increasingly growing in differing directions

sigh


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