# No idea what to do



## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

Seven weeks ago my husband told me for the first time that he is unhappy in our marriage. I had known that he has been battling some depression for a few years but I thought it had a lot to do with his job and elderly parents. I tried really hard to connect with him and get him to leave his la-z-boy and connect with me. I felt like I tried and tried and then just started letting him disconnect thinking that he would get better when things started getting better. So seven weeks ago I found out he was unhappy and he had a difficult time expressing to me why he was unhappy. He felt like I stopped seeing him. When I asked about all the times I went to him and told him I love him and miss him and tried to get him to sit on the couch with me or go do things with me how that was not seeing him. He told me it felt like too little, too late. I didn't understand why if this was going on for years why he had not talked to me - quite the opposite - always telling me how much he loves me and how happy he is to be married to me. He said that he was just feeding me lip service. I was so confused, hurt and betrayed. We decided to have him do some individual counseling to find out why he felt so lost in his life and what was at the root of this problem because he told me that he felt he wasn't a man anymore and that he was lost. We spoke about marriage counseling after he spent a little time thinking about this and spoke with his counselor. Things have just gotten worse. A week ago he moved out of our home while I was asleep. He went to his parents. When I called the morning after I asked for him to come talk to me and he did. I didn't understand because I had told him I might go to my sister's for a few weeks and he told me he didn't want me to go but now he was leaving. He said he needed to be away for awhile. I asked if he would come back in a week and he said yes with some hesitation. I didn't realize that the week he was going to be gone that he didn't want anything to do with me. He wouldn't call or text, didn't want anything to do with me which hurt so badly. He keeps telling me this isn't all my fault but I feel like the evil person he has to stay away from. Yesterday I got a vague message from him saying that he would touch base with me today and since today is the day he is supposed to come home I was confused. He said he had been pretty busy with work, his parents, and his friends and had not had much time to reflect. It hurt because all I have been doing is reflecting and thinking about us and he said he needed space but it didn't sound like he was using it to think of us. I called him but he wouldn't answer the phone. I texted him because I needed to know at the least if he was coming home. He finally responded and he was mad saying he had asked for space and every single day since he was gone I had contacted his mom, his friend, and him. He has been frustrated with me in the past for not reaching out to others. I feel like there is nothing I can do right. He said he is coming home today and said that he asked for a simple thing and why couldn't I give it to him. This is anything but simple. I wrote back that I was glad he was coming home but now I'm terrified and I don't know what to do. I'm scared to say or do anything as everything I say or do seems to be making it worse. I have an individual counseling appointment on Tuesday and I know we need to get in front of a marriage counselor as soon as possible. Is he telling me without using words that he no longer cares about us? Is he done? He keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants but he has agreed to marriage counseling. He says he doesn't see how we could get through this. I feel like I am fighting for this marriage alone but I'm glad he is coming home and doesn't that mean something? Please tell me what to do when he comes home. I don't want to do the wrong thing and he is so fragile right now.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

If he wants space, give him space. That means not contacting him, his family, or his friends. You can't make assumptions on what he is doing with his time away, because honestly you don't know what is going on in his head.
If he's unhappy, only he can figure out for himself what he is going to do about it. You can't do this for him.

Instead, take this time to work on you. You only have control over yourself. If he needs more time, you have no choice but to give it to him. So with all do respect, back off and listen to what he is saying and quit trying to have him see things your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

Delinquent, I am trying to do what you are saying. I feel like I have had so little interaction with him the last week. He kept saying he would call me later and then never call. He did not tell me that him taking the week was for complete silence from me and I didn't realize that. Now he is coming home..... I think. How do I give him space while he is here?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Your story has a lot of similarities to mine, which is in my profile. I am separated a second time. My wife found it hard to know what she was feeling and/or communicate that to me. There are a few very specific examples in my story where I was flat out lied to about her feelings and there would be huge shifts in a few days from I love you to i can't stand to be around you. This most recent separation being one of them.

He needs space. He needs to figure this out for himself and you need to get into mc. It's brutal from your end waiting while intensely lonely and sad. 

I wish I had a better answer for you, but best of luck and God bless.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

First of all if I came across as thinking that this should be easy, I apologize. I know how badly it hurts, and how hard it is. My H & I have been apart over 4 months and the first month I was a wreck. Crying, pleading, begging, etc.

If he decides he isn't ready to come home, as hard as it is just accept it and simply say "thank you for letting me know" and leave it at that. I know it's hard and your scared because you really want your marriage to work. I think we all do or else we wouldn't be here.

As for giving him space when he is home, yes. Let him come to you.

I would strongly recommend reading Divorce Recovery by Michele Weiner-Davis. I usually am not into self help books but this is by far the most helpful book I have read, and I truly believe it could help you as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## queenb13 (Jul 2, 2011)

I think your husband is giving you mixed messages.Use this time for you to become stronger. use this time for you to reflect on your self. Instead of giving him his space, take your space back! I have never been separated but I felt him pulling away, at first I reacted to him. then I started to create my own action. I went inside me and found my strength, I reached out to my friends and concentrated on me. slowly I became stronger and when he was ready to talk I allowed him to, however i never allowed myself to get sucked in. Use this time for you, if and when he returns you will be stronger and he will see it


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

It's so ironic right now because he thinks my strength makes him feel weak. I own my own business and am usually a very independent and strong person. I still feel like I had no idea this was coming and I can handle struggling and going through a rough time in our marriage. I took our vows very seriously. It feels to me like he is walking away without even trying. He says that he has been trying for three years but how can that be true if he was unwilling or unable to even let me know there was a problem. He said he feels like he has nothing left to give. All the sudden him not going out with friends or spending enough time with his family is my fault. I don't understand because I have always been the girl to say, go.... have fun! He says he felt pressured not to..... I'm struggling to understand. I know in my heart that if he doesn't want to work on this marriage that I have to find the strength to move forward and I know I will survive this, don't want to, but will. He is not saying it is over though. He is saying things like I'm not sure if I am still in love with you, I don't know if we can work through this.... etc. It's very confusing. On some level I need him to want to work on this or voice that he doesn't. He says I talk him out of his feelings. I feel like I am in a box and no move I make is the correct one. I know I can't fix this by myself. I just don't know what to do right now. On the one hand if he is coming home today that is good and should I accept that as a sign? I'm so confused. I don't know if I am being in denial and if he is telling me that he doesn't want this anymore. How does a man give up on his marriage without trying? 

It's been hard because the city I live in is his. He grew up here, his family is here, he has a huge support system. I moved 3,000 miles away from mine. I have always had a difficult time feeling like I am surrounded by his life. I never planned to stay in this city. I came for a job but then I met him. Now I feel like he has left me in his family home with our three dogs and just walked out leaving me with all of the responsibility in our life. He said he couldn't be in this house right now but it's not easy for me to be here either. He and his dad built this house. I am taking care of the dogs and doing all of these things. I feel abandoned with all of the responsibility..... He is 11 years older than me and we married late in life. He was almost 40 and I had just turned 30. He says it shouldn't be this hard but I don't understand. I never though marriage would be easy all of the time.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Don't get lost in his confusion. You were to blame for 50% of any issues and can only fix your end. Do not take responsibility for fixing his. No amount of space, chores, love, or sex can fix him. He needs to fix himself. All you can do is try hard and be committed.

Be open to learn and change. It's total BS that he couldn't time find to reflect because you were contacting him. A total lie to try to blame shift his confusion to you. 

There's something he doesn't want to deal with and its very likely a part of himself. The fear of closeness, love, dependants, something. He lied to you for a very long time about being happy. That's not your fault.

I also got a speech that she didn't have anything left to give after years of unhappiness, and I didn't even know she was unhappy.


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

anx, 
I think he is mad that I didn't see it. I think that is why he feels like I didn't see him. About three years ago with the economy hit he was forced to take a pay cut. He really began hating his job but felt like he couldn't leave. He was losing sleep about it feeling like what will happen to us. I told him he couldn't spend every moment thinking of it. That we would figure it out if it happened. It would be o.k...... he spent the last few years terrified he was going to lose his job at any moment and he began slipping into a depression. The last few months he also realized that his parents and uncle who are all in their 80's are probably not going to be around much longer. He said everything he knows is getting ready to disappear and he started crying really hard. What I don't understand is if you are losing so much so soon why are you throwing out the only part of your life you do have. He says he knows I would walk in front of a truck for him and that I am a better person than he is. It doesn't feel that way. I told him that it is not that we are going through hard times in our marriage but what we do about those hard times that counts and he responded that he is older and wiser than me and why is it that I can see that and he can't. I know we have real problems in our marriage right now and I want to be honest about that but I feel like he is also going through some things on his own. I thought I was his best friend and I would support him in anything. Why is it that I am the one person he is turning from? All the sudden his is embracing every other person in his life and moving away from me like I have done something terrible to him. I have never betrayed him or lied to him. He has been lying to me about things since the beginning of our marriage. I asked him why he thinks he needs to lie to me and he just says he doesn't know. 

I don't know what is real now and what is false since he has been lying to me for years. All I know is I am willing to do the hard work to get through this and I wish I knew if he is too.


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## heart (Jul 3, 2011)

I'm sorry about all the venting.... I'm just so confused and it feels good to talk....


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

None of the issues with his job or family came from you and you tried to help him through it. I've been through anxiety and depression several times in my life. You don't see things strait or act right. He ie pushing you away because of the confusion and depression. Even if you totally 100% understood every.aspect and explained it to him it wouldn't matter. He needs to find the answer for himself. All you can do is try, be committed, be strong, and wait(and pray hard if you are so inclined). 

He lost his way and needs to find it again. The job, depression, lies, can't reflect, extra is all him. Wait and show him sacrificial love in this time where he will treat you like garbage. 

If you are religious, check out the book sacred marriage.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Don't be sorry, its so nice to read other peoples stories for perspective on your own. I have learned so much from people angry and venting on these forums.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

heart: Don't get sucked into his confusion, I know because I did that for 3 months. I was so confused from the mixed messages until I asked him a question and he couldn't tell me why he had done and said totally opposite things. That is when I threw in the towel and realized he is confused NOT me and I was feeding into it.

Concentrate on yourself. I realize why his coming back home is going to be uncomfortable. Believe me I know, I live in the same house until it is sold.

There is a plan available that may help you. It is called the 180 and you can search on this web for it. Essentially, it is how you back off with dignity and how you get that focus on yourself. It sounds perfect for you.

Our hearts are with you because we have experienced the very same.


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