# I think Im messing up



## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Hi, I have lurked here for many months, and have learnt a lot about marriage and relationships. However I am in need of some advice, and want to write my thoughts out.

I am married for 12 years, together 5 years before that. We separated for three months six years ago, because of my involvement in drugs. Ive left that life behind. We have three daughters. While I have broken trust due to my addiction issues, I have never been unfaithful. As far as I know my wife has been faithful.

We have had a pretty good relationship, and are both committed to the family. Sex was good in the beginning, but the last few years I felt it was not frequent enough. At the beginning of this year, my wife lost about 10 kilograms, and is really attractive. I always found her very attractive, even before. She has also become more sexual. Frequency has increased.

In the last 2 years, our business has been struggling. I turned 40, and have been feeling quite depressed and negative. I went on antidepresants, and put on a bit of weight (8 kgs). My wife told me a while ago she does not find me that attractive. I have been going to the gym sporadically, but have not made much progress. I also have been drinking more than I should.

I have been suffering self esteem issues lately. I am not very well endowed, and this has started bothering me. My wife has never complained, but that would be too hurtful, wouldn't it. As my wife is looking and feeling sexier, and initiating sex more often, I have been struggling with performance anxiety. I also feel like I was doing most of the exploring sexually, but suddenly my wife is more adventurous. She has started enjoying anal sex, something I never expected, and something new. This new found sexuality of her has me a bit concerned. Its what I always wanted, but now its making me feel a bit freaked out. Can I keep her satisfied!

She has also taken up contact with an ex of 22 years ago on Facebook. He lives on another continent. Its been making me uncomfortable. I challenged her, and she gave me the usual were only chatting he is on another continent story. However she was quite defensive. I asked to see the messages. She sort of agreed, read them out to me, but left out some affectionate terms. (I had already gone on her FB page and read them) I made it clear to her I would not entertain an EA.

Last night we had sex, but I again felt very anxious, and things went downhill. I got up, and went to listen to music. She went to "sleep". This morning I had a bad feeling, and checked her FB. She was chatting to the ex last night, and saying he should visit, she would set him up with some single friends. Then she said if he were to come she would want him to herself. He asked what he could do to her. "Anything and Everything she replied. He then said he would take her from behind, and take what is his. She asked when his flight is landing. Iwas pretty shocked. This is very out of character.

Later on today I checked her FB again, and see all their chats have been deleted.

Before work this morning I told her I wanted her. She said no, its time for work etc. I never let up. I took her from behind for a quickie and left.

I sent her a message later to say: I enjoyed taking you from behind. Taking what is mine. Hot. She replied: me too. 

So basically I think my wife is having a sexual awakening, and I am too messed up and insecure. This is not attractive. My body issues, which she has contributed too, my penis size, which has become an obsession of mine, and fear about her sexual awakening and not being able to handle it weigh in.

And then the very out of order and messages with her ex.

I dont want to tell her I read them. Not yet anyway. She may know because of what I texted though, but I will deny.

I am feeling really upset today, would appreciate some advice, and just wanted to write this all down.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

oddball said:


> Last night we had sex, but I again felt very anxious, and things went downhill. I got up, and went to listen to music. She went to "sleep". This morning I had a bad feeling, and checked her FB. She was chatting to the ex last night, and saying he should visit, she would set him up with some single friends. Then she said if he were to come she would want him to herself. He asked what he could do to her. "Anything and Everything she replied. He then said he would take her from behind, and take what is his. She asked when his flight is landing. Iwas pretty shocked. This is very out of character.
> 
> *Later on today I checked her FB again, and see all their chats have been deleted.*


^^^^^^^^^^^
This is your CLEAR & PRESENT DANGER.

All the other issues are peripheral.
She IS having an affair with her ex boyfriend,and it may even include cybersex.
Forget all your fears, get the necessary information and prepare to confront her.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks for the response Caribbean Man.

I have tried sexting with my wife before, and she was not into it. But yes, looks like she may well be getting into it with her ex.(What is weird is that he never featured on her list of exes.I thought I knew all of them. I think he is from high school. I don't even think they had sex back then. Cant figure out why she is chatting to him) It shouldn't be that hard to find out how they are communicating. She has a phone, and we have a family pc. She has been quite "close" to her phone lately, but I will have to have a look and see if any other chat options are being used on it.

I just honestly cannot believe she is doing this. (ive read that a few times here huh!) 

I have a few opposite sex friends. Some I talk to a lot. But I do that in front of her. Or they come and visit us, and the kids. Ive always been sure we agree on the boundaries.

But I cant but think that my own depression and insecurities are an issue. 

But then why is she wanting frequent sex from me. Oh Boy! confused


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Don't be confused. Often in an affair, the cheating spouses's desire for sex either increases or decreses dramatically. 

Your wife is involved in an EA at the least. She makes plans to have sex with her ex. You are simply a convenient piece of meat right now and she's probably imagining it's him she's having sex with.

If you've read here as long as you say you know you need to do the following:

Get a keylogger on the PC
Get a VAR for her car
Check the cell phone records now and look at the number of texts/calls to the OM

Also, man up and deal with your depression aggressively and seek counseling for your insecurity issues. DO NOT be weepy or clingy with her. Be a man


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

oddball said:


> Thanks for the response Caribbean Man.
> 
> I have tried sexting with my wife before, and she was not into it. But yes, looks like she may well be getting into it with her ex.(What is weird is that he never featured on her list of exes.I thought I knew all of them. I think he is from high school. I don't even think they had sex back then. Cant figure out why she is chatting to him) It shouldn't be that hard to find out how they are communicating. She has a phone, and we have a family pc. She has been quite "close" to her phone lately, but I will have to have a look and see if any other chat options are being used on it.
> 
> ...


While she is having sex with you, she is fantasizing about the other man. 
Also he is not near, he's in another country. 
Men are usually aroused firstly by visual.
Women are very highly aroused by mental stimulation. The other man creates a fantasy in her mind which causes sexual tension, and desire to build in her. 

He can do that because he does not have her crap to deal with,and he doesn't have a business to run. 
Everything is always nice and rosy in the beginning of affairs.
So she gets high on his words

You are just the release for that tension.
She may also be having sex with you to cover her track.

You need to get a grip of your self esteem issues .
Stop thinking of yourself as inadequate. Being well endowed, or satisfying all her sexual needs is no guarantee of fidelity. I am speaking from experience. If a woman wants to cheat she will cheat.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Yes, agreed re self esteem issues. This is bull****. I am a pretty out there guy. This is perhaps the catalyst needed to get a bloody grip on myself. 

While I must get to the bottom of the contact with ex (who she told me was very respectful of our marriage! yeah right) how do I behave towards her. Do i keep having sex. Do I go cold on her.

When do I tell her I saw that awful message? Is it too soon.?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Don't expose yet until you either have hard evidence (copies) or you know when and where he arrives (if he is in fact coming for a "visit")

Not sure why you say that you "must get to the bottom of the contact with ex". She's having contact with him because they are in an EA and she's planning to let him have his way with her. The only one getting to "the bottom" of anything will be the OM getting to your wife's "bottom" if you don't handle this correctly.

You need to find out if the OM is married or has a GF and how you could get in contact with them when you're ready to blow this mess out of the water.

Gather evidence quietly. Keep going about your life as if nothing has changed but monitor her! Do not allow the hook-up to happen!


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks Toffer

Let me clarify something. I have been monitoring the fbook chats for about 2 weeks. Its not been explicit, but I felt a bit uncomfortable. I live in Africa, OM is in Holland. He is divorced, has 2 kids. The talk of a hook up was inappropriate, but not a realistic possibility. My wife has little free time, and wouldnt be able to hide her OM in our community easily.

Having said that, I am not in denial.

I want to see if they have switched to another chatting platform. Maybe some other instant messaging. But that would be on her phone. By the way, nothing is password locked.nothing on skype. I know her fbook password, computer open, phone open. 

I honestly think she is having a little fantasy. I dont think she really wants to have a PA. 

But I am not going to take any chances. So yeah, vigilance and monitoring.

I do appreciate the responses


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

oddball,

She IS in an EA though, you do KNOW that right?


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Yes, I do KNOW that. It may be geographically tricky, but she is in an EA. I'm not sure how much is emotional, and how much is sexual. But its unacceptable.

About 2 weeks back on a Friday night she said she wanted to go see a friends band play. I said okay, Ill stay with the kids. At 9:30 she texted me to say it was not much fun, a lot of mutual friends hadn't turned up. I said, Im hard and waiting for you. She responded. See you soon.Went to bed with a book and fell asleep. At 1:30 I woke up, she wasn't home. I texted, no response. I phoned and said, I was worried, where are you. 20 mins later she was back. She had been with mutual friends. I verified. She was high, and friggin horny. We had sex all night. This is not like her at all.

So yes, she is exploring things. Yes thats exciting. Except I aint part of it.

This woman stuck with me through all my addiction issues. She values loyalty and hponesty. She is a great mom. A great wife I thought.

But something is afoot.

Yes, at the very very least she is having an EA. Im not accepting that!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"She values loyalty and hponesty"

Actaully, I'd have to say "She valued loyalty and hponesty" because you and I know she isn't being honest with you now.

I can almost bet she has other avenues of contact with this man. As I said earlier you need to:

Get a keylogger on the PC
Get a VAR for her car
Check the cell phone records now and look at the number of texts/calls to the OM

Some here will tell you an EA is worse that a physical affair because the emotions run so very deep and the EAs are often the hardest ones to put an end to. 

Sorry but by what you've put here, I can't say I would be completely shocked if you discovered a physical relationship with some other man.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

OMG Toffer. you may be right. I just looked at her phone while she was reading stories to the kids, and didn't see anything untoward. I still think I caught this in its infancy, but appreciate you alerting me to the facts I may not want to know. Vigilance is my friend


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

She is having an emotional affair with her ex and fishing to see if she can make it physical. He's telling her that she's his? That's no good. Means its been going on a while if she's allowing him to express ownership of her naughty bits. Glad you quoted it back to her! But it may have given away the fact that you know some things.

Firstly, you need to build up some self esteem. You got fat? Easy to fix. Hit the gym once a day. Your sexual performance will also improve and since that is bothering you, you'll be addressing more than one issue with the gym. Pay attention to how you look. Remind yourself once a day about why you're great. If you can't think of a reason, do better things! And, if you need to, see a counselor to deal with your confidence issues; you may learn useful strategies. Remember, your worth is not tied up in your wife's estimation! 

Secondly, gather info on the affair. Key logger!!! VAR for the car. Do not let her know you're watching. When you have evidence, confront her privately. Let her know that this is unacceptable. See if she wants a divorce or if she is remorseful. Exposé the affair to your immediately family and friends, to hers, and to OM's friends and family. Demand transparency. How well could things go with a 22 year prior ex; they've changed and are in fantasy land so if she wants out, let go without a second glance because she won't expect it and it might snap her out of it. When you confront her, when you expose, give her divorce papers. If she wants to work on the marriage, demand cutting all ties to OM, total transparency, and marriage counselling. However, if she wants out, let her go. She's not worth your time, even if your low self esteem makes you think otherwise. You can fix your issues and be better; you don't have to be cuckolded because of them!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

By the way, cheaters often use secret email accounts and hide their IM platforms well. Keep digging. She's up to something. The red flags are present.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

moxy said:


> By the way, cheaters often use secret email accounts and hide their IM platforms well. Keep digging. She's up to something. The red flags are present.


This is why I always say that you should keylog the PC!

Do all of this without saying another word to her!


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Update: She confronted me tonight. Did you read my Facebook messages. I said yes. She was filled with remorse. It was wrong, it was only this once etc.

I accepted.

But:

tomorrow she will send a NC email to POS. I will be copied in.If she does not I will disclose to friends (who are all pro marriage and her parents.)

I really took her too task tonite. She was contrite.

From tomorrow we will have to deal with the underlying issues, and my insecurities. And her infidelity

But I nipped this affair in the bud. Thanks to TAM

And yes< i will keep on monitoring for now...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You're not out of the woods. Expose so she will be held accountable or the affair will just go underground. Insist on marriage counseling. And now it is very important for you to use a key logger and VAR to verify if she is lying and going underground or truly remorseful. Don't rest on your perceived laurels yet because they might not be real. And don't let her off the hook so easily or this will happen again. It's important for you to work on your self esteem and insecurity issues, now more than ever.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

She sent no contact letter today. I have access to her phone, and the family computer. We are talking about what happened.

She is displaying full transparency
She is not talking to POS
She is showing signs of being aware of the betrayal.

I am not out of the woods yet, but I think we will be okay.

Were it not for TAm I would not have had any idea how to react. I would have resisted snooping.,I would have not equated and EA with a PA. I would not have known about rug sweeping. 

I think my marriage will survive.

But through TAM and the good advice I have received I have some tools to work with.


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