# Just when I thought the Depression stage was over...



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

It's back. And I really hate this one.

STBXH moved out over the weekend. He took all the bedroom furniture in the master bedroom I moved out of, essentially, after D-Day - I wanted him to, because I plan to gut it - put in all new flooring, repaint it, redo the molding, and buy a whole new bedroom set which I've already picked out from Rooms To Go.

But the room is empty now. Since I use the bathroom in there so my son can now have the other bathroom to himself, I've been leaving the doors to it open. It hurt me to see it empty for the first time after they took all the stuff in there away, but I shook it off.

Today, I came home from work and the double doors to it were closed. My son had gotten home from school ahead of me, and told me he closed them, because it makes him feel bad to see it the way it is right now. 

I told him I would get it all redone as soon as I possibly can and it will be my room again. He said that would make him feel better.

But I had to go into the garage and cry like a baby for a bit. Sh!t. Haven't cried about all this in a couple weeks, now, and thought maybe I was done with that. Fvcker.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Awww, that is sad . It is ok to cry, and ok to vent here. We get it. I'm glad your son was able to express his feelings about it, so that's a positive!  

You can do this.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Find a friend you can pay with beer and get it done.

Empty= trigger.
Kill the trigger.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It takes time. Over time, thoughts about him will trigger less and less of the reward system.

Those emotions that you express no longer have him around to reciprocate with.

There is still going to be a feeling of loss and change, and it takes time to learn how to operate and live differently.

Over time, thoughts about him will effect you less because there is nothing to reinforce it.

You need to tell yourself that it is okay, and eventually it will affect your emotional state less and less. Patience.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Forge ahead and make a better life.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Awww, that is sad . It is ok to cry, and ok to vent here. We get it. I'm glad your son was able to express his feelings about it, so that's a positive!
> 
> You can do this.


That's true, STB - I never have to worry that he's keeping his feelings hidden - he has always been very open about things that are bothering him. He just gets it out, and then he moves on. I could learn a thing or two from him.

D!ckhead just called me on his way home from the airport to see how he's been doing. I should have lied and said, "Just fine." But I told him about it and said I'm going to hire someone to redo the floor and paint in there ASAP so I can get it set back up again quickly. Then, he was annoyed - his Dad is in a rehab facility after falling recently and breaking his pelvis in two places - so he goes, "Between all this and my Dad, I just feel like I'm always doing something for everyone else." (Note I didn't ask him to do anything about it.)

Poor baby. Is all the fallout from your appalling affair getting you down? Excuse me if I don't cry you a fracking river.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Time to dig through design magazines and watch some HGTV and do something great with that room! I purged all evidence of STBX and now have two walk in closets! 

Get some great new bedding too! Never underestimate what great a great set of Italians can do for your bed...I'm talking about linens!


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## Chas (Apr 2, 2015)

NMB

Spouses that have been severely wronged, rejected reconciliation and are headed towards divorce don't understand why they still have feelings for their cheating spouse. This is the effect of putting 25 years behind you, with all the memories, both good and bad, and starting a new life which you are totally uncertain about. Not knowing the future, you're grieving over the past.

I feel the best thing to do at this point is accelerate your move into the future. Remodel the bedroom as soon as possible, start a weekly night out with your son for dinner or a show, plan weekend activities with your son, you personally need to spend time with other adults, etc. The point is to start spending your life like you own it (you do) doing fun things and bonding with your son. Soon you will realize that both your and your son's life is getting much better and fuller.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> Time to dig through design magazines and watch some HGTV and do something great with that room! I purged all evidence of STBX and now have two walk in closets!
> 
> Get some great new bedding too! Never underestimate what a great set of Italians can do for your bed...I'm talking about linens!


LOL. Thanks, Kris. One great Italian probably wouldn't be bad for it, either. When the time comes. 

Meanwhile, I'm getting brand new wood floors, a beautiful cherry wood bedroom set, a fantastic mattress, glorious 1000-thread count sheets, and the most gorgeous bedspread money can buy. It will be by far the most beautiful room in the house.

And when we're all done with that, we'll redo my son's room, too, with whatever he wants. His Dad did all the "decorating" and furniture purchasing for that room, as well - it needs to go.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> LOL. Thanks, Kris. One great Italian probably wouldn't be bad for it, either. When the time comes.
> 
> Meanwhile, I'm getting brand new wood floors, *a beautiful cherry wood bedroom set*, a fantastic mattress, glorious 1000-thread count sheets, and the most gorgeous bedspread money can buy. It will be by far the most beautiful room in the house.
> 
> And when we're all done with that, we'll redo my son's room, too, with whatever he wants. His Dad did all the "decorating" and furniture purchasing for that room, as well - it needs to go.


/drool


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I agree with everything said. 

I wouldn't tell your husband sh!t about what your son said..


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Hardtohandle said:


> I agree with everything said.
> 
> I wouldn't tell your husband sh!t about what your son said..


Unfortunately, I did. Won't be making that mistake again. There's no point whatsoever in sharing sad thoughts he or I have with him - he's incapable of remorse, so it's just a waste of energy and breath.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Unfortunately, I did. Won't be making that mistake again. There's no point whatsoever in sharing sad thoughts he or I have with him - he's incapable of remorse, so it's just a waste of energy and breath.


Does your son have his own cell phone? If so, you might suggest that your STBX call and speak w/ him directly.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I've followed your story and I sense that you will be moving on in every way much faster than it feels right now. Your son will adapt. Some counseling would surely benefit him, but I bet he will be just fine.

A selfish husband and father creates a pall over everything in the home & you don't really see the difference until he is gone.

You can start by getting that bed and sleeping right in the middle of it. No need to pick a side - it's all yours!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> That's true, STB - I never have to worry that he's keeping his feelings hidden - he has always been very open about things that are bothering him. He just gets it out, and then he moves on. I could learn a thing or two from him.
> 
> D!ckhead just called me on his way home from the airport to see how he's been doing. I should have lied and said, "Just fine." But I told him about it and said I'm going to hire someone to redo the floor and paint in there ASAP so I can get it set back up again quickly. Then, he was annoyed - his Dad is in a rehab facility after falling recently and breaking his pelvis in two places - so he goes, "Between all this and my Dad, I just feel like I'm always doing something for everyone else." (Note I didn't ask him to do anything about it.)
> 
> Poor baby. Is all the fallout from your appalling affair getting you down? Excuse me if I don't cry you a fracking river.


Her got annoyed more than likely by your plans to remodel more than anything. Your making plans and moving forward without him. A great many WS hate that. Your supposed to wallow and long for his return in his head not pick out furniture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

honcho said:


> Her got annoyed more than likely by your plans to remodel more than anything. Your making plans and moving forward without him. A great many WS hate that. Your supposed to wallow and long for his return in his head not pick out furniture.


Yep.

Keep pushing forward!


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Aw,that's so sad. I'm sorry! Those visuals just kind of make everything real.

I am glad to hear you are remodeling your master. I am doing the same and I think there is something very cleansing about that.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Does your son have his own cell phone? If so, you might suggest that your STBX call and speak w/ him directly.


He does. And I've encouraged STBX repeatedly to call and text him directly. Yet he keeps calling me.

Perhaps the solution to that is to just stop answering.

He ended up "stopping by" tonight - he at least called me (again) to ask if that was OK. He said he wanted to "say hello" to our son, because he got called out to fly again tomorrow morning for another three days and won't see him for a bit. I took another walk while he was here.

I am going to Lowe's tomorrow with the wood floor sample I have from there that I would like installed, after taking measurements of the bedroom and closet. I'll pick out a paint color while I'm there, but I have one in mind already. And I'll see about hiring their folks to take care of the floor and the painting (because I suck at that). As soon as I have that lined up, I'll order the bedroom set and mattress.

STBX said a few weeks ago that he would do all that himself. Even then, I said I'd rather just hire someone. He doesn't seem to get that this is not his home anymore, and we will no longer take care of things in it around his schedule.

Like honcho said, yes, he's annoyed that I'm getting on with it, and anxious to do that as soon as possible.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> He does. And I've encouraged STBX repeatedly to call and text him directly. Yet he keeps calling me.
> 
> Perhaps the solution to that is to just stop answering.
> 
> ...


You should be able to configure your phone (or, to be more accurate, his entry within your Contacts app) so that any calls or texts from him do not generate audible alerts when he calls or texts you.

Just be sure to re-enable call and text alerts for him when he has or is with your son.

Aside from that, everything else re: the divorce, etc can be hammered out by the lawyers or, when communication between the two of you is required, via e-mail. Be sure to tell him that.


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## Foolish Man (Apr 16, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> *Perhaps the solution to that is to just stop answering.*
> 
> He ended up "stopping by" tonight - *he at least called me (again) to ask if that was OK. * He said he wanted to "say hello" to our son, because he got called out to fly again tomorrow morning for another three days and won't see him for a bit. *I took another walk while he was here.*


First, I am sorry that you are hurting. I'm been in some dark places myself lately and it sucks. 

Next, *Yes stop answering*. Talk only the minimum required to handle dual parenting. Don't waste your time or your heart on BS.

And, *own your home*. Make it explicitly clear he is NEVER to come over without your prior approval, never. Stop letting him use your home for his purposes. If he wants to have visitation with your son, it must be prearranged and make him do it elsewhere. Meet at the park, let him pick up your son and talk in his vehicle or at his place. Hell offer to bring your son over to his place. Don't let him use YOUR HOME as his turf. Make him stay on the outside of the door. Your home is YOURS.

Again sorry to hear depression has reared it's ugly head. It's OK to cry and be sad. As miserable as it may be to go in the garage and do it alone, I think that is a big step towards not burdening your son. Follow the suggestion and start planning and spending quality time with your son and your friends.

Best wishes.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Foolish Man said:


> First, I am sorry that you are hurting. I'm been in some dark places myself lately and it sucks.
> 
> Next, *Yes stop answering*. Talk only the minimum required to handle dual parenting. Don't waste your time or your heart on BS.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

Don't answer the phone. My ex used to do the same thing tome when he first left. He didn't have the guts to call the kids directly, so when he called me and asked me to put the kids on the phone. Bad move on my part. He knew they would talk if I handed them the phone, but if he called them directly they could ignore the call. Not that they always did, but sometimes. They were kids. So I stepped back and told him "If you want to speak to your children, you know how to reach them." He also tried to use those third-party calls as a way to further blame-shift me with "the kids won't talk to me because you've turned them against me" Wrong, wrong

Good that you've learned not to tell STBX what your son says. Your son seems quite articulate and capable of sharing what he wants, and sharing with whom he wants. Let him develop his own relationship with his father. If your STBX wants to know how his son feels then STBX should ask him. It is not up to you to report this to STBX.

And I am all about renovating-through-divorce! Painted the basement/family room, renovating kitchen, remodeled living room and master bedroom.


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