# Finding peace



## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Well, I have no idea how to post anything I posted before, so long story short. ...

I am a WS had an emotional email affair. Plus a lot of issues. Together 20 years. Turmoil since dday 7 years ago. Emotional abuse etc since. 

He has shut me out for well over a year. Wants to stay together for the kids, yet gets angry at me for not working on us. Everything I do or try is never right or good. I have went to great lengths doing things I never thought I would do. Nothing helps.

I tried a 6 month commitment. ..that ends in July. Nothing is better except rarely fighting now because I just stopped fighting. I give up. I don't care to be right. It's whatever now. 

He now says he doesn't know if he loves me because maybe he was forced to? Or don't know any different. Really? 

I am convinced that when it's bad and so damaged and all one can think about is their misery and your the one who made them miserable. There is NOTHING you can do to fix it. We are focused on being individuals. I think a shred of him wants this....but maybe he can't. He claims we can go out sometime but I am tired of being rejected. Everything feels like it's score evening. If that makes sense.

So I have found peace in letting go. It'so hard when you love them. You know you did wrong. You tried your hardest and failed 100%. But you leaned a hard valuable lesson. 

I just wanted to share in case there are others who ate in my similar boat, trying to fix their mistakes and are getting no where. It's the only love I have ever known, and I am scared as ever, but I find peace knowing that I am moving in the right direction.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

unsureone said:


> Well, I have no idea how to post anything I posted before, so long story short. ...
> 
> I am a WS had an emotional email affair. Plus a lot of issues. Together 20 years. Turmoil since dday 7 years ago. Emotional abuse etc since.
> 
> ...


Difficult one this. You are the guilty party and if your husband after all this time cannot get over it then it might be better to sit down and discuss a separation. You have obviously hurt him very deeply. All I hear is complaining about what you have done and it is not good enough etc but have you really shown remorse without excuses, really bent over backwards and more for him? Only you and he can know that. He has to also decide the next step. Holding on to you and punishing you for seven years is not right either, ask him to make that decision.
You should read this article by affair care of the impact on your spouse
Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you mean you will take steps to divorce if he does not show willingness to truly reconcile by July?

I think that would be a good plan.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

aine said:


> unsureone said:
> 
> 
> > Well, I have no idea how to post anything I posted before, so long story short. ...
> ...


Great article. I wish I would of read it 7 years ago. I am still trying, but I have to let go of all my hope to be in a better place mentally. Everything I mean everything I have tried is never good enough never makes him a shred happy. I truly believe he is so angry with me that nothing will ever help. I damaged so much in the beginning and he's a big picture kind of guy. Analyzes everything. I could be looking into no where and I am accused of thinking of someone else or hiding something. it's really at the end I think. I am still helping him with new hobbies and whatnot. We are finally owhat not.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

jld said:


> Do you mean you will take steps to divorce if he does not show willingness to truly reconcile by July?
> 
> I think that would be a good plan.



Yes. But after time. We want to stay together for the kids at this point. I think he is expecting a miracle? But doesn't want one? It's a limbo state. He's conflicted.

So yes, for his sake......unless that miracle happens, I think it may be the best for him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

unsureone said:


> Yes. But after time. We want to stay together for the kids at this point. I think he is expecting a miracle? But doesn't want one? It's a limbo state. He's conflicted.
> 
> So yes, for his sake......unless that miracle happens, I think it may be the best for him.


I think it would be best for both of you. You had that EA for a reason. Have you figured out why?


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

jld said:


> unsureone said:
> 
> 
> > Yes. But after time. We want to stay together for the kids at this point. I think he is expecting a miracle? But doesn't want one? It's a limbo state. He's conflicted.
> ...



Yes Fear, I needed to feel attractive. Attention. Selfish.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

unsureone said:


> Yes Fear, I needed to feel attractive. Attention. Selfish.


maybe you both need a marriage counsellor to get you pointed in the right direction. Divorce should be the last option when you have tried all others. The damage is so deep that perhaps you both need professional help first.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

aine said:


> unsureone said:
> 
> 
> > Yes Fear, I needed to feel attractive. Attention. Selfish.
> ...


We tried a few and he did not care for it at all. It was another thing to fight about. 

I Feel it would help. But it does take 2.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your children?

Staying in a bad marriage for your children is really not a good idea. Your child are learning that what they see is what marriage is. 

So far you both have taught them that your angry, unhappy marriage is all they have to look forward to as adults. 

If you and your husband divorce and co-parent them without anger and games, your children will learn that they are not doomed to repeat your example because you would have taught them to not stay when things are this bad.


.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How old are your children?
> 
> Staying in a bad marriage for your children is really not a good idea. Your child are learning that what they see is what marriage is.
> 
> ...


Middle school and elementary school. I keep circling back to that. We coparent well. We do everything else together well. Just not "Us". 

How do you let the only person you have ever loved go when they don't want to split and they want you to perform a miracle? 

I wish I was the person he sees me as because then I could be so cold hearted.

I know this is what is best for him and my kids. And that's why I am finding peace in letting go. But it's so hard.


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