# Is it really that bad



## thanos2535 (Oct 12, 2012)

So this is my situation. I have been married now for almost 14 years and been with my wife for 16. We have 3 young kids and recently have been talking about divorce. We have our fights and arguements like normal couples but the big driver is our sex life. I have a high drive and she has a low drive. Over the past 3 years the frequency of relations continues to drop. We went from once a week to twice a week now to once a month and I can easily see that dropping as well. I have tried all sorts of things on my end to try to change things up. I have been more attentive to moods, massages, chores, romance, anything I could think of to get her in the mood. The worst part is she is a tease about things which makes the rejection hurt that much more. About 3 months ago I wrote her a letter telling her what my concerns were and how it was making me feel. She said she was sorry I felt like that but she just has a low drive and I should get used to it or get a divorce. I told her simply I was ready for one but the fact was I have 3 kids. I took a hard look at the situation and saw what it would cost me financially as well as time with my kids and told her I was prepared to just cohabitate and have that be it. I mean aside from our sex life we really are good friends and enjoy the company of the other person. I thought would it really be so bad to live with a friend and see my kids everyday. I still get to keep my house she doesn't have to work full time and it isn't that different that what we do now. Basically I just stop coming on to her and I requested she stop with me since in truth she has no real intention to follow up on her teases. She said she had no interest in being my friend and would rather we split. I told her to let me think on it and the next day told her I changed my mind and am fine. She bought it and I have been living my lie for a few months. It is hard and I find myself considering is it worth it. I know if I did go through with a divorce it would be a long time before I could find another person to love or date and it wouldn't be like I would be having sex at the frequency I desire. So basically I would be trading all I have now for a situation with all the same bad stuff but none of the good. Has any of you gone through this or tried something similar. I am looking for realistic solutions that improve on my situation now not make it worse.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

First, please break your post up into paragraphs. It's hard to read a wall of text.

Second, as long as you are giving her what she wants, why should she change? You will have to act differently if you want her to act differently. After all, if you got a divorce she would have to work, so why should she get away without having to work while you are married?

You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life". Both are available on Amazon.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i don't get it. she says she wouldn't want to just be friends, and yet that's exactly how you have been living and 
what she's happy with except for maybe once a month. and maybe she wouldn't mind skipping that either.

so what's her problem with co-habitating? does she like the game of 'pretend were married and pretend we're sexually active'?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Now that you've told her everything's fine, she's pretending to believe you -- or she doesn't care as long as you aren't bugging her for sex. Have you checked the Sex in Marriage forum here on TAM? There are many posters (male and female) in the same situation. I wish I could say it's an easy fix but unfortunately it isn't. Read there (if you haven't already).


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

just adding on to what jorgegene said, your response to her should be i hear you don't want to be in a relationship where your just friends and but i don't want to be in a sexless marriage, so it looks like we both need to work at this in order for this to work. just don't accept that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You have a clear choice:

1. Remain in a sexless relationship.
2. Divorce.
3. Cheat to have your needs met.

I could not stomach 1 or 3. This is where it becomes a clear choice between where your priority lies: money or sexual fulfillment.

I would also add that it is clear she does not respect you. To some degree, I don't blame her. She called your bluff, and you folded.

Never...ever...ever play brinksmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Remaining in a marriage so you don't take a hit financially is akin to marrying for money. 

In both cases the phrase "when you marry for money you earn every penny" applies.

What's the money worth to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It isn't just the money with him. He's afraid that if he divorces he still won't be getting enough sex.

Have you two tried marriage counseling? Have you tried a sex therapist? How about a convo with your priest or pastor? You've tried fixing this on your own and it isn't working. Bring in a professional.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well that is a risk, unfortunately. There is no guarantee he'll find another partner or that he'll get more sex, so it does come down to what he's willing to live with and what he's willing to chance. 

My belief is that most women have a sex drive, it's just not necessarily activated by their hb.

The question of counseling is valid. What have you tried? I'd suspect a lot of what you do is for the purpose of getting laid and she knows it. 

Perhaps a counselor can help tease out what's going on.

My first question is always what is your wife getting out of sex? I know it's a touchy subject for guys but I genuinely think in many of these ld cases the wife doesn't get as much out of sex as the hb thinks she does. Many women don't know what they want ir how to ask for it if they do, and frankly many guys don't understand a woman's sexuality as much as they think they do. 

Just my experience of course but I was what you'd call ld with my ex because he was concerned with himself. My current hb is concerned with me so I have a higher drive. 

That's just one of many possibilities. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She knows that she doesn't have to do damn thing since you have 3 kids with her ... you're stuck with her. It's the same thing that happened to me, I can't get divorced either without is sending me to the poor farm. My wife knows that and has no intention of trying make the marriage better, she can be a ***** and get away with it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

This is a very common situation. Many women lose their drive after kids. Their focus changes and they are busy with all the needs of the kids. 

You need to set your expectations realistically. At this point, she's not going to magically turn into a sex kitten. If you act sullen and upset, it will only make things worse. Realistically, you can probably work out an agreeable duty sex schedule. Try for 2x per week but accept 1x per week if that is more agreeable. Set a fixed time for fun time like 11AM Sat or else it will never happen. And try to genuinely appreciate her effort even if she's not really into it. She wants you to to be happy and she wishes she wanted it more. Don't punish her for not having the desire.

If you make her feel good about making you feel good, chances are she'll get more into it and start to enjoy it more. That may lead to more fun time, but don't put too much pressure on her.

Also, be sure you take a good, objective look at yourself. Are there objective obstacles to her getting in the mood? If you're messy, sloppy, dirty, rude, inconsiderate, out of shape, etc, that will make it much harder for her to want you. Remove any obvious barriers so it will be much easier for her.



thanos2535 said:


> Basically I just stop coming on to her


<joking> That's the problem! Not all women like that. </joking>


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You don't want a divorce because it is cheaper to keep her. The kids will be affected. You will see them less. You lose pretty much in every way. 

You have a tough call here. I'm with @farsidejunky on this one!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It isn't just the money with him. He's afraid that if he divorces he still won't be getting enough sex.


He may not realize, but not having sex because you are unattached and on your own, is not on the same level as being with someone who you desire, but who constantly rejects you. It is no longer a looming issue that is constantly over your head. Its much easier to cope when there is no one there rather than being unwanted. 

What I haven't seen is any explanation to him as to WHY she has no desire. OP, do you only give her affection when you want sex? Have you let yourself go physically? Are you typically an angry person, or do you criticize her a lot? There are so many things that can affect our desire for our partner that seem small, but have a big impact.


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