# 7 years, now what



## cayliec072

I’m new here, and here to vent where I cannot. I’m 21 I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, married 3. He is 29. We have been through a lot of bad. He was abusive and an alcoholic but has overcame both things since we have been married. He didn’t tell me he was married and it took awhile for him to get divorced. Dating phase he cheated on me. Having child one in our apartment all the way to our house now he constantly has people over and they don’t respect our home. He smokes weed all day at work and home, I’m totally 4/20 friendly however I do not smoke. 

He helps probably twice a month on the weekend and every now and then I can go to the grocery store without the kids. I’ve almost divorced him twice. This last time I really filed and then stupidly backed out. I’m at a rock and a hard place, I just have no idea if I’m totally over reacting about him or what! He cannot be alone so I work nights and even at 11 o’clock he has his friend over to smoke until he’s ready for bed. He’s been better but since it’s nice out everyday after he gets off work and sometimes even on his lunch break has 1-2 people over. He complains that I don’t want to do things with him. Which I admit sometimes I don’t want to sit in the garage and watch him smoke weed, but we regularly walk and go for bike rides and usually have dinner together. 

I want to leave I should have left but his reactions are so crazy and all over the place I have no idea how to do it. He will threaten to keep both of our dogs which I just want my pit bull (but I take care of them both so) won’t want me in the house that I also worked very hard for and keep running because he has no concept of how bills work.. and he will instantly get on dating sites and want to bring random woman around our kids! I left him for a month and he never wanted the kids, he showed me his true colors about our kids! If I’m his “wife” he acts so different with them.. it’s sad! But I am a very protective mama and I got that I left so go find whatever you are looking for but seriously! Talking to random chicks online for a week or less and wanting them around our kids??! 

It just didn’t make sense.. I need advice from anyone who has been through this or similar or just some on-site in what to do!! I am going to counseling, and I’ve decided I need to wait for a last straw to happen before I leave him permanently and I need to get my ducks in line as well.. please any advice. Am I wrong? Should I work it out? Note that we have been to counseling 3 different times..

I’ve been told To stop feeding into the past but I have no idea how not to? I just feel like a little good now doesn’t make up for all the bad. I don’t think he even understands how much I do including working nights full time, and schooling! I chose to but some help would be nice and not having people always around.. also note that when I tell him how I feel he chalks it up to some pity him and he’s so depressed that I told him how I feel. I can’t deal with that all the time, I get it I truly do but it’s like I’m not validated I guess?


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## Adelais

Sorry if I sound harsh, but divorce the bum. He is a bad example for your children, and so are you as long as you stay with him.

Make an appointment with a lawyer, and learn your rights. He can't keep your house, dogs, etc. He will have to split 50/50. You can find a lawyer or two who will talk to you for free.


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## OnlyHappyTearsWelcome

You have your entire life ahead of you. He is not a good man. I am back here after over 7 years of trying to "fix" my marriage. Waiting for him to change. Don't waste the best years of your life trying to fix someone else. What you have now will be your life in 10 years unless YOU change it. I learned the hard way. Hugs to you!


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## MattMatt

@cayliec0729 using your email address as your login name is not a good idea. @EleGirl who is a site admin can change this for you, if you want.


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## MattMatt

@cayliec0729, you are a good person. Your husband? He probably isn't.

You need to think of your child and yourself.


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## EleGirl

@cayliec0729 I removed the email provider name off your user name "@xxxxx.com". If you would like a different user name, PM me and let me know what you would like and I'll change it.


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## happydad

I made it through the first two lines, so you were 14 and he was 22 when you first started dating?


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## StillSearching

happydad said:


> I made it through the first two lines, so you were 14 and he was 22 when you first started dating?


OP, this is truly all you need to know about him.
now file.


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## EleGirl

@cayliec072

I broke your post up into paragraphs so people can read it. A wall of text is hard to follow.

How many children do you have and how old are they?

As the poster above noted you were 14 and he was 22 when the two of you got together. He was an adult and you were a child. Think of the kind of adult man who needs to have a child as his partner... a very immature one. And that does not even address the legal issues. Why did your parents go along with you seeing a guy who was an adult? 

What has happened is that you are maturing into an adult and now you are seeing him for what he is... someone who is emotionally stuck at a very young age. 

He's a bad example for your children and a bad husband. You are justified in leaving him. However, I understand your doubts. It's a hard thing to leave a marriage. 

What you need to do is to build a strong support system for yourself to help you navigate the process of leaving and to find the strength to do it. I'm sure that right now the idea of leaving is sort of like having a plan to move a mountain.... the task is too big and so it's hard to know where to start. If you want to move a mountain, you need a plan.. a lot of tools (dump trucks) and lots of help. It's the same for leaving a marriage. I'm going to give you a plan that you can follow to get out of this bad situation.

One of the first things you need to do is to get into a counseling program with a local organization that helps people who are victims of domestic abuse and bad domestic situations. I'm going to post what's called an exit plan. The idea is for you to customize the exit plan for your own situation, then you work it one step at a time.

ETA: You said that you are concerned about having the kids around him when you are not there because of him bringing around other women. From what you say, he probably will not want to have the kids much if at all. I also would put money on that he won't want either of the dogs. After all he'd have to act like a grown up and take care of them all.

What kind of job does he have that he can smoke pot all day at work?


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## EleGirl

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....
========================================
Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The USNational Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================

Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## Diana7

She he as a 22 year old married man cheated on his wife with a child of 14? Good grief. What an awful sick person he is. 
He sounds like a terrible man, a terrible father and terrible husband who takes drugs and bums around all day. 

My advise is to take the children and the dogs and leave. I doubt he would take care of any of them.


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## 3Xnocharm

This whole thing is sick all around, you are essentially a child taking care of a grown man. Stop waiting for a last straw, your entire relationship is a last straw! Divorce him asap and finally give yourself an opportunity for a real life! Find out just who in the hell you are!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP 

All of the above posts is great advice.

He isn't planning for the future. 

You would be best served by planning you and your child's future independently. 

Hang in there, you can do it.


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## MaiChi

Just as an observation, In the UK 22 and 14 do not go together. An arrest would have taken place no matter what the 14 year old thinks. 

As for situation today, it seems you already appreciate that the situation is not good. Statistically people who marry early have a much higher rate of divorce. My advice is to always try to avoid being a statistic but sometimes you see it coming and you open the door and let it in, even make it a cup of tea.


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## personofinterest

MaiChi said:


> Just as an observation, In the UK 22 and 14 do not go together. An arrest would have taken place no matter what the 14 year old thinks.
> 
> As for situation today, it seems you already appreciate that the situation is not good. Statistically people who marry early have a much higher rate of divorce. My advice is to always try to avoid being a statistic but sometimes you see it coming and you open the door and let it in, even make it a cup of tea.


 As it should be in the UK and anywhere else. No healthy 21 year old wants a 14 year old.


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## EleGirl

@cayliec072

How are things going for you?


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## cayliec072

I know it was illegal, I am sure he knew. My parents were oblivious to it until I was pregnant. We have 2 children now. I’m just trying to figure out finances right now and how to save up and get money for the divorce. I do work 40 hours a week however my credit is bad so I can’t get a credit card right now.


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## Wolfman1968

cayliec072 said:


> I know it was illegal, I am sure he knew. My parents were oblivious to it until I was pregnant. We have 2 children now. I’m just trying to figure out finances right now and how to save up and get money for the divorce. I do work 40 hours a week however my credit is bad so I can’t get a credit card right now.



OK, so from the above, it looks like you have reached the decision to divorce, you just need financing.

You may want to check if your local area has some sort of legal aid for people of low income in your situation. At the very least, I think they would be able to give you advice about how to proceed with limited funds.


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## MattMatt

MaiChi said:


> Just as an observation, In the UK 22 and 14 do not go together. An arrest would have taken place no matter what the 14 year old thinks.
> 
> As for situation today, it seems you already appreciate that the situation is not good. Statistically people who marry early have a much higher rate of divorce. My advice is to always try to avoid being a statistic but sometimes you see it coming and you open the door and let it in, even make it a cup of tea.


Only if they get caught. I know someone who started dating an older man when she was 13. She regularly passed as 21.

They married when she was 16 and were married for 25 years. They would still have been married if Ill health had not killed him.

However OP married a very bad man and must leave him to save her and the children.


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