# Midlife crisis



## Bananapeel

Edit - It is a PA, not a midlife crisis


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## ScrambledEggs

Get some marriage counseling. You gave a lot of info, its hard to tell how one sided it might be. She needs to talk about what is bothering and if she does not know she should get some IC. 

You seem like a 'fixer' Nothing wrong with that but maybe backing off and giving her some time to figure things while still communicating would help? Hard to say. Good luck


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## Thound

Perimenopause is my guess outside of cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

Thound said:


> Perimenopause is my guess outside of cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Completely agree. If you're absolutely certain there's not another man in the picture, look into hormone levels and possible hormone replacement.

Perimenopause lasts for years. For some of us, it's a very difficult roller coaster of hormonal ups and downs. Before starting hormone replacement therapy there were days I thought I was losing my mind. It can certainly present as midlife crisis, flat affect, depression, or even manic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bananapeel

I guess I never thought about that, but it makes sense. Thanks.


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## SamuraiJack

How old are each of you?

Any recent big events, deaths, anniversaries, or huge life changes?

My wife hit 39 and flipped the switch on things...happenes to the best of them...and the most mediocre...


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## Bananapeel

SamuraiJack said:


> How old are each of you?
> 
> Any recent big events, deaths, anniversaries, or huge life changes?
> 
> My wife hit 39 and flipped the switch on things...happenes to the best of them...and the most mediocre...


I'm 38 and she's 39. The only major change was our youngest started kindergarten in August so the house has been a bit emptier than normal. She has also had some problems with her best friend and they don't talk much anymore. 

Did you work things out with your wife? Did the patterns change permanently or revert back to normal?


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## Thound

Bananapeel said:


> I'm 38 and she's 39. The only major change was our youngest started kindergarten in August so the house has been a bit emptier than normal. She has also had some problems with her best friend and they don't talk much anymore.
> 
> Did you work things out with your wife? Did the patterns change permanently or revert back to normal?


Yes. After 10 years things are somewhat better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy

You're new here. It's more common for wives to have fallen out of love with their husbands than not at this stage of your marriage. Start reading the "general" section. And read every thread as though it is written by a man who's wife has fallen out of love with him but he doesn't know it. It'll all start making sense then.


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## MachoMcCoy

I'll get you started:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/265066-trying-give-her-what-she-needs.html


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## MachoMcCoy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...010-helping-wife-prioritize-our-marriage.html


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## MachoMcCoy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/237274-help-needed.html

That's a good start. It's more fun digging them up yourself anyhow.


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## ReidWright

If it's midlife crisis, I don't understand the hiding the phone part



Bananapeel said:


> After her behavior change I assumed she was having an affair so I bought a cell phone recovery program and pulled the deleted data off her old phone (she just got a new one a few weeks ago that she never leaves alone). I also checked the computer browser history, have been monitoring the odometer on the car, checked bank accounts and credit cards, etc. and she is not having an affair.


the undelete programs can't retrieve all 3rd party communications app messages (words with friends, kik, viber, skype, there's hundreds of them)


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## tech-novelist

There are so many red flags for cheating, it looks like a Communist Party rally. You have no idea how well some women can hide their affairs.


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## aine

Thound said:


> Perimenopause is my guess outside of cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I second this assessment. You may find some useful information on this site

Why Do Women Hate Husbands in Perimenopause — The Perimenopause Blog


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## Bananapeel

ReidWright said:


> If it's midlife crisis, I don't understand the hiding the phone part
> 
> 
> 
> the undelete programs can't retrieve all 3rd party communications app messages (words with friends, kik, viber, skype, there's hundreds of them)


True. I don't understand it either, but then again I don't really understand what she is going through right now. But at some point you have to say you did your due diligence and believe the findings.


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## Bananapeel

I would like to that those of you that posted helpful suggestions. 

I really think her feelings about me have changed and she doesn't know why. I've talked with her and she said she didn't want them to change and she feels badly about it. We've been talking about separation/divorce and how to go about it amicably so we can raise the kids in a unified manner, if need be. She doesn't want to face that possibility but recognizes that it is a potential outcome at this point. I am going to have to investigate the perimenopausal angle and suggest that she have her OB/GYN do a hormone panel. Counseling might in the future too.


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## MachoMcCoy

You're not getting it. Here's another.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ife-distant-early-midlife-identity-shift.html


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## Bananapeel

It seems that people are saying that wives commonly go through a change at this point in their lives and their feelings and desires are different? It could be because of a midlife crisis, falling out of love, involved with someone else, or perimenopausal hormone imbalance. Sorry if I am a bit dense, but what else am I missing?


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## Yeswecan

> perimenopausal hormone imbalance


Highly unlikely at her age. I would not put too much into this because of her age. 

There is something else going on. Keep digging and work on keeping amicable.


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## MyTurn

The problems with her best friend are troubling. I would talk to her friend to find out why.There's more to this than you know.


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## SamuraiJack

Bananapeel said:


> I'm 38 and she's 39. The only major change was our youngest started kindergarten in August so the house has been a bit emptier than normal. She has also had some problems with her best friend and they don't talk much anymore.
> 
> Did you work things out with your wife? Did the patterns change permanently or revert back to normal?


No, She continued her course, had an EA at least. Gave up on the marriage a year before she announced...

she's somewhere else now...pretending to be happy.


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## BoyScout

Your story is similar to mine in many ways. My wife and I were married for 27 years. I thought, and she still agrees that overall I was a very good husband and father. Unlike your wife, she never seemed to be madly in love. Frankly seeing the way she reacts to everyone, I am not sure she was capable of that.

A little over a year ago, I got the 'I am not happy with my life' speech. Our nest had just recently emptied and she was ready to turn 50. She became very cold and distant. I can't say she was hiding things and I didn't really suspect an affair.

Long story short is that she moved out of the house last October she needed 'space' and was not sure she still loved me any longer. She refused any counseling. In January she told me that she had no intention of trying to work things out. She said that she'd been trying to work it out on her own and it didn't work for her. 

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I grew tired of supporting her life style while she lived with her single girlfrind so I filed for divorce. She has made it clear that she wants to make her own desicions and considered herself smothered by my controlling her. This was a shocking claim to anyone that knows us and she could not really provide a valid example of my controlling her. She recetntly moved her stuff into her own appartment and is trying to get a job that can support her.

I have always thought this was a classic mid-life. Her sense of herself was tied to two very active children who did not need that any longer. I found other outlets for my energies and she had no desire to follow me or to work with me to find new things to do together. 

Very sad situation. Keep trying to engage her. If you find out how to crack this code, let me know.


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## Thound

Yeswecan said:


> Highly unlikely at her age. I would not put too much into this because of her age.
> 
> There is something else going on. Keep digging and work on keeping amicable.


I respectfully disagree. This is pretty much the age when women go thru this. When I was in my twenties my coworkers told me to hang on when she gets close to 40 the sh1t will hit the fan. Stupidly I told them it wouldn't happen to me. Guess what happened? Since then I have observed many couples go thru this and the woman's age is the common denominator. But the cell phone thing really sticks out as a red flag.


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## Thound

Checking hormone balances during perimenopause is dicey at best. The hormones may be fine one day and jacked up the next. At least that is what I have read.


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## Thound

MyTurn said:


> The problems with her best friend are troubling. I would talk to her friend to find out why.There's more to this than you know.


Do not do this. Believe me I know. She will tell your wife you inquired about her, and your wife will resent the hell out of you for it. She will feel like she has no one to confide in. The reason I know is this is exactly what I did, and it caused so many more problems. I suggest you do the 180 and detach. Give her space and work on you. Buff up and stay active.


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## sisters359

One thing that happens to a lot of women at this stage in life that so few people pay attention to is, the level of confidence many start to feel. A lot of women and men marry out of basic insecurity--the fear of being alone, of being seen as a loser who can't get a mate, etc. The co-dependence that arises will sustain the marriage for some time--add kids, jobs, etc, the fact that the couple isn't really well matched and didn't marry from a position of individual strength, etc., and, well, having one partner (often but not always the wife) realize that she does not need anyone to take care her, can really throw a marriage for a loop. 

This is not a doomsday event, really, b/c many couples will mature together and learn to love one another without that neediness that was the early foundation of their marriage. In these cases, all is well.

But when a woman finds herself married to a man who appealed to her 20-something self, and now she is a different person at 40ish, the story may well be different. 

I have to say that the OP came across as the type of person who may be controlling and always seems to be right (in his mind anyway)--just the way the opening post was written was off-putting. That's what got me thinking, no wonder she doesn't love him anymore, now that she doesn't have the need for validation. I'm sorry, OP, b/c I don't know you and can be completely wrong--but at least give my reaction some consideration b/4 you dismiss it. Of course, if you really are the type of person I'm thinking of, you probably won't be able to see yourself in this light, and your wife's actions will have nothing to do with the way you are. I am in no way saying you should excuse her actions--but recognizing what might be your own role in the breakdown in your marriage is a very, very different thing. She was unhappy and chose to violate your trust--that is all on her (the behavior, not the unhappiness, to which you may well, in fact, have contributed). 

Just another POV that can be considered and tossed aside if it doesn't seem to help. Good luck.


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## aine

MyTurn said:


> The problems with her best friend are troubling. I would talk to her friend to find out why.There's more to this than you know.


That's a big red flag. Friends are like barometers. Her friend my disapprove of her 'activities' hence the cooling in the friendship. Why not ask her friend what is happening? say you are concerned for your wife and ask her to 'help' you out.


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## thread the needle

Do not talk to the friend at least yet. Ask your wife if you want to know what went on.

OP you appear to be a very cool cucumber perhaps lacking emotion. Under the circumstances that seems unusual. 

I can be that way at times. It causes my family, friends, wife and daughter to think I don't care. 

Do you ever show or verbalize emotion?

I ask because another poster mentioned your demeanor and I thought the same thing reading your post that you may not be able to put a finger on without being challenged here by us well meaning strangers forming our first impressions of you with the utmost respect to you.


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## ReidWright

Thound said:


> Do not do this. Believe me I know. She will tell your wife you inquired about her, and your wife will resent the hell out of you for it. She will feel like she has no one to confide in. The reason I know is this is exactly what I did, and it caused so many more problems. I suggest you do the 180 and detach. Give her space and work on you. Buff up and stay active.


yeah, sounds like a bad idea to ask her friend directly what's going on. But do you know this friend's husband (if she has one)? can you make up some excuse to chat with him? don't ask him directly, just talk about anything, and if he knows something fishy, he might bring it up. Maybe a 'hey, haven't seen you guys in a while!" might make him spill the beans.

never skip an information source in an investigation


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## Bananapeel

Her friend issue is unrelated.


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## Bananapeel

sisters359 said:


> One thing that happens to a lot of women at this stage in life that so few people pay attention to is, the level of confidence many start to feel. A lot of women and men marry out of basic insecurity--the fear of being alone, of being seen as a loser who can't get a mate, etc. The co-dependence that arises will sustain the marriage for some time--add kids, jobs, etc, the fact that the couple isn't really well matched and didn't marry from a position of individual strength, etc., and, well, having one partner (often but not always the wife) realize that she does not need anyone to take care her, can really throw a marriage for a loop.
> 
> This is not a doomsday event, really, b/c many couples will mature together and learn to love one another without that neediness that was the early foundation of their marriage. In these cases, all is well.
> 
> But when a woman finds herself married to a man who appealed to her 20-something self, and now she is a different person at 40ish, the story may well be different.
> 
> I have to say that the OP came across as the type of person who may be controlling and always seems to be right (in his mind anyway)--just the way the opening post was written was off-putting. That's what got me thinking, no wonder she doesn't love him anymore, now that she doesn't have the need for validation. I'm sorry, OP, b/c I don't know you and can be completely wrong--but at least give my reaction some consideration b/4 you dismiss it. Of course, if you really are the type of person I'm thinking of, you probably won't be able to see yourself in this light, and your wife's actions will have nothing to do with the way you are. I am in no way saying you should excuse her actions--but recognizing what might be your own role in the breakdown in your marriage is a very, very different thing. She was unhappy and chose to violate your trust--that is all on her (the behavior, not the unhappiness, to which you may well, in fact, have contributed).
> 
> Just another POV that can be considered and tossed aside if it doesn't seem to help. Good luck.


Well, my wife would agree with you and we've discussed it. I am highly driven with a clear sense of self which at times comes off as being controlling and narcissistic. The good parts of that personality type is it has helped me develop professionally, be a good father, and made me good at communicating my needs and desires to my wife. The bad parts is that with her less dominant personality she feels like I am in charge, and her needs and desires are less important to me, which isn't working with her changing (or maturing) personality now. 

She does have insecurity issues and we talked about them a couple nights ago. Her biggest worries about divorce is that she would be alone (unsupported emotionally) and not be able to financially support herself. I had to remind her that she is the mother of my kids and we'll always be family, even if we have to live separately, and I wouldn't ever do anything to change that. I don't want her to stay with me because I provide security, I want her to stay with me because she's in love with me and wants to have a future with me. I figure the only way she has a chance of making that decision is to remove her doubts about the risk to her emotional/financial security. This way she can focus on how she feels without any conditions being put on whether I will accept or support her if I don't like her choice. I really do want her to be happy and fulfilled in life, even if it isn't with me. She's a good person and deserves it.


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## Bananapeel

thread the needle said:


> Do not talk to the friend at least yet. Ask your wife if you want to know what went on.
> 
> OP you appear to be a very cool cucumber perhaps lacking emotion. Under the circumstances that seems unusual.
> 
> I can be that way at times. It causes my family, friends, wife and daughter to think I don't care.
> 
> Do you ever show or verbalize emotion?
> 
> I ask because another poster mentioned your demeanor and I thought the same thing reading your post that you may not be able to put a finger on without being challenged here by us well meaning strangers forming our first impressions of you with the utmost respect to you.


I tend to hide my emotions. I don't have an easy time expressing them, but wish I did.


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## Chaparral

She's cheating, you just have to catch her. Go to the coping with infidelity section and look up the evidence gathering thread.

Your thread starts like about of a thousand other threads here.

Like someone said there are enough red flags here for a parade.


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## aine

Chaparral said:


> She's cheating, you just have to catch her. Go to the coping with infidelity section and look up the evidence gathering thread.
> 
> Your thread starts like about of a thousand other threads here.
> 
> Like someone said there are enough red flags here for a parade.


You might be right, she is a bit young for Perimenopause and the paragraph from your original thread is rather odd and doesn't sound perimenopausal. Dont say anything to her but start doing some investigating.

O_ver the past few months we've fought more often and her behavior has changed. She's been withdrawing emotionally and starting to hide her cell phone usage from me. She now goes into the bedroom to take calls and always has the phone with her, even if she goes in the bathroom. We've always had a regular sex life (2-3 times a week) but the quality has gone down tremendously. Our fights are now resulting in hurt feelings; she is being aggressive and hostile, which was never how we fought before. She is not wanting to do as much with the family and is needing more time by herself. _


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## Chaparral

So it was cheating. They leave a trail if you pay attention.


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## NewLife2017

I don't know if she is cheating or not. But, peri-menopause is a strong possibility. Female here and I started at 35 and let me tell you, I didn't know if I wanted to laugh, cry or commit homicide. I had a hair trigger temper and pretty much hated everyone & then loved everyone. Your hormones are haywire and it is AWFUL. For 5 years my hair would not grow past the top of my shoulder blades. The problem is, you don't really realize it until you see a doctor. You just think you are finally going crazy. So please, don't say it can't happen, because it does. Not every woman is the same. I am through it now but I still have some menopause symptoms at 50. So, OP, it's possible. She needs to see her doctor to rule that in or out. I wish you & her the best of luck!


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## Bananapeel

Unfortunately, digging deeper wasn't too hard. It is a PA.


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## SecondTime'Round

Bananapeel said:


> Unfortunately, digging deeper wasn't too hard. It is a PA.


I missed your OP before you edited it down. I'm really sorry this is happening to you . 

Is the OM married?


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## Bananapeel

SecondTime'Round said:


> I missed your OP before you edited it down. I'm really sorry this is happening to you .
> 
> Is the OM married?


Yes and his wife is going to destroy him when she finds out.


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## SecondTime'Round

Bananapeel said:


> Yes and his wife is going to destroy him when she finds out.


Are you going to be the one to tell her?

Does your wife know you know?


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## tech-novelist

I'm sad for you but not surprised. After you read a couple of dozen threads that start like yours, the patterns start to be pretty obvious.


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## Bananapeel

SecondTime'Round said:


> Are you going to be the one to tell her?
> 
> Does your wife know you know?


I don't know if I am going to tell her yet or allow her husband the opportunity to man up and tell her himself. I need to focus on me and my family and right now I am still trying to work through the best way to handle this that will minimize damage to our kids. Their problems aren't my concern. 

My wife doesn't know that I know yet. I am planning on talking with her in the next couple of days, once we have some time alone in our busy schedules after the kids go to bed. Also, after I have some more time to cool down.


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## WasDecimated

Bananapeel, Now that you know what many of us have suspected from the beginning, the first order of business is to expose the affair with no warning to anyone. OM will NOT man up and tell his wife. He will lie and deny because that's what cheaters do. His wife has the right to know the truth about the POS she is married to. You will never have a chance at saving your marriage unless you expose the affair to his wife. Get it out into the open and see what happens. OM could throw your wife under the bus and walk away. Next, it is time for you to start the 180


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## Chaparral

Read this before you expose. When Should an Affair Be Exposed Good luck.

By the way, letting the om tell his wife will result in him gaslighting her big time. Its better she gets the truth from you.


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## Bananapeel

Chaparral said:


> Read this before you expose. When Should an Affair Be Exposed Good luck.
> 
> By the way, letting the om tell his wife will result in him gaslighting her big time. Its better she gets the truth from you.


Thank you for the link. I've been trying to figure out a good time to confront (not like there is one) and don't know what to do.


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## turnera

sisters359 said:


> One thing that happens to a lot of women at this stage in life that so few people pay attention to is, the level of confidence many start to feel. A lot of women and men marry out of basic insecurity--the fear of being alone, of being seen as a loser who can't get a mate, etc. The co-dependence that arises will sustain the marriage for some time--add kids, jobs, etc, the fact that the couple isn't really well matched and didn't marry from a position of individual strength, etc., and, well, having one partner (often but not always the wife) realize that she does not need anyone to take care her, can really throw a marriage for a loop.


This!

Almost all of us marry while still mentally growing up (under age 25), still wanting to please our parents, still feeling shame or insecurity about 'acting' adult, and - especially for women - afraid to take care of ourselves. I know it changed for me at about that age, and I know many other women with the same issues. You marry a MAN who will replace your DAD, and you let him protect you...until you feel confident enough that you don't need protecting any more. Gradually. And once you hit that, realize you can protect yourself, and don't necessarily NEED a man for that, your view of your husband changes. And if he isn't in tune to that (and most aren't, we don't come with manuals), the woman starts to wonder why they settled. 

That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the husband, just that, had the woman waited until now to find a mate, she wouldn't have picked him for his ability to earn money or make decisions or make her feel safe. She'd pick him for his ability to make her feel flirty, take her breath away, and have fun with him.

Unfortunately, the man is usually completely unaware that the woman is changing this way.


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## turnera

Bananapeel said:


> I tend to hide my emotions. I don't have an easy time expressing them, but wish I did.


Do you realize that this is one of the single worst issues you can have with a woman? Women NEED their men to be vulnerable with them, to discuss things, and express their feelings.

Are you up to working on that?


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## turnera

Bananapeel said:


> Yes and his wife is going to destroy him when she finds out.


The single best way to get a WW to end an affair is to end it for her - by exposing it, all at once, and saying him or me, you get ONE MINUTE to make up your mind or you're losing me.


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## Decorum

Bananapeel said:


> I don't know if I am going to tell her yet or allow her husband the opportunity to man up and tell her himself. I need to focus on me and my family and right now I am still trying to work through the best way to handle this that will minimize damage to our kids. Their problems aren't my concern.
> 
> My wife doesn't know that I know yet. I am planning on talking with her in the next couple of days, once we have some time alone in our busy schedules after the kids go to bed. Also, after I have some more time to cool down.


Infidelity is unlike other issues in marriage and the correct responses are often counter intuitive. Relying on a cheating man to expose himself is a typically bad idea, and it will rob you of an opportunity to snap your wife out of the affair.

You are at a turning point here, dont be one of the many who com es back and say "I wish I had followed the advice here".

Ask a mod to move this to the coping with infidelity section and let the experienced people there help you with the next steps.

I wish you well.
Take care.


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## the guy

turnera said:


> Do you realize that this is one of the single worst issues you can have with a woman? Women NEED their men to be vulnerable with them, to discuss things, and express their feelings.
> 
> Are you up to working on that?


Man that ship has sailed!

Hey T don't get pissed at me girl, I just think the b!tcxh crossed a line *I* can't even stomach.

Granted it is something OP need to address when he is out looking for a cool step mom for the kids in a couple of years.


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## GusPolinski

Decorum said:


> Infidelity is unlike other issues in marriage and the correct responses are often counter intuitive. Relying on a cheating man to expose himself is a typically bad idea, and it will rob you of an opportunity to snap your wife out of the affair.
> 
> You are at a turning point here, dont be one of the many who com es back and say "I wish I had followed the advice here".
> 
> *Ask a mod to move this to the coping with infidelity section* and let the experienced people there help you with the next steps.
> 
> I wish you well.
> Take care.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/270273-camera-laws.html


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## Decorum

Oh ok Gus, thanks!


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## turnera

the guy said:


> Man that ship has sailed!
> 
> Hey T don't get pissed at me girl, I just think the b!tcxh crossed a line *I* can't even stomach.
> 
> Granted it is something OP need to address when he is out looking for a cool step mom for the kids in a couple of years.


Oh, I agree, but people were contemplating why this was all happening, so I was giving a possible scenario. Of course most women never take it to the extent she has. That's something broken in her.


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