# Stepdaughter trying to ruin my married



## Nicely83 (Aug 12, 2020)

Hello..new here

I've been married for a year and four months. We have been together for 2 years. My husband has a 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship, I have a 19 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and we have a 1 year old daughtet together. 

The issue is the 11 year old. I met her at 8 and from the beginning she has been manipulative, conniving, and a pathological liar. She has lied on me on several occasions as well as her father and my eldest daughter. I don't trust her with the one year old due to her sneaky behavior, and we just don't connect.. One might ask why I went through with the marriage knowing all of this and honestly I thought things would get better, but they only got worse. 

We are in marriage counseling, but things with her haven't improved. She has been with her dad since she was 2 months, her mom walked out but remained in her life here and there. My husband is a guilty dad that works 24/7 and doesn't spend much time with his children which leaves no room for discipline. 

I am at my breaking point and considering leaving. I've been home for a year with the baby and since last summer the 11 year old has been with me most of that time considering the pandemic. I deal with disrespect, talking back, the lies oh the lies she tells. Its too much. And the kicker is she calls me mom. 

I'm not sure what I'm asking here this is long enough, but any advice would do. 

P.s 
I'm also considering talking to my husband about her not calling me mom until we can establish a bond if and when.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I feel really sad for this little girl. 
She was living with her Dad until you came along and then she had (in her opinion) to compete with you for his attention. Then a new baby arrived which pushed her further out of the loop. 
She lies and talks back simply to get some attention, her father isn’t there and you dislike her intensely, in this situation even a rebuke will be welcomed. 
Then there’s you, a passive aggressive woman who makes it clear she doesn’t want anything to do with her and wishes she wasn’t there. 
You really are the personification of the wicked stepmother.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

The 11 year old went through a lot. You guys got married just few months after meeting up, and had baby right away. I dare to say that her dad rushed things without considering her well being. The girl's world has crumbled all around her. Father is not there. There is strange woman and the baby in the house all the time. 

It may take a lot of time and patience to help her out of her misery. I recommend few session of parenting class for you to help you understand her, and react accordingly. The girl may also benefit from therapy, she could have someone to talk to , someone who would help her to make sense our of her world, and help her learn to deal with stress better.


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## Nicely83 (Aug 12, 2020)

Thank you both for responding. I'm aware I may come off as the wicked step mom, but it wasn't always this way. From the very beginning I was nothing but nice I treated her with respect and gave her love and attention I even spent time with her. Things didn't change until I could no longer take it anymore. I've honestly tried everything and I have even mentioned therapy for her to my husband. I understand I am the adult here, but I am also human and my life got flipped upside down as well. Its a transition for everyone, but only one person is making it difficult.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nicely83 said:


> Thank you both for responding. I'm aware I may come off as the wicked step mom, but it wasn't always this way. From the very beginning I was nothing but nice I treated her with respect and gave her love and attention I even spent time with her. Things didn't change until I could no longer take it anymore. I've honestly tried everything and I have even mentioned therapy for her to my husband. I understand I am the adult here, but I am also human and my life got flipped upside down as well. Its a transition for everyone, but only one person is making it difficult.


so, when you mentioned therapy, what did your husband say? why isn't it happening? 
the kid got a lot in her life going on, but you are right, it does not mean, she can misbehave and be disrespectful. I really think your husband has to get more involved here. and no, you should not expect her to call you mom, definitely not in this situation. 

Are you letting yourself to be pulled in into arguments with her or you are able to keep your calm and cool? There should be consequences for lying, What your husband says when she lies? Does it let it slip?

Did you try family therapy for you, your husband and his daughter? Several session might be actually very useful, and put you and your husband on the same page, and help the kids too.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So I suspect these aren't exactly the answers you expected right? So this can be kind of a hard thing to deal with for sure. I think the issue can be competing priorities, I don't think they have to be though. I think a lot of people miss when you marry someone with kids you marry a family. This is true in all cases but even more so when there are young kids involved.

My Mom tells the story of the first time she met my sisters before I was born, one of my half sisters sticking her tongue out at her, when no one was looking, she was 5 I think. As she tells it she took my sister aside and asked why she did that. When my sister didn't answer she told her that she was sad because she loved my Dad and really wanted her and my sister to be friends. That moment could have gone either way but it shaped their whole future.

Have you had any of those moments? The kind were you take her aside and say, "look I know this is hard for you. I want you to know I love your Dad and you are a part of that. I just want to help you. I want it to be nice for when you are here with us. I am not trying to replace your Mom, I understand that she will always be your Mom. I am the women your father is married to though. At the end of the day if you can't accept that I will be sad, but there is nothing I can do about that. But I will always treat you with respect and I expect you to do the same. I know this is hard but will you help me?"

Also what have you said about your new daughter? You understand that your step daughter felt like she was being replaced. It's your job to make sure she doesn't feel that way. It takes a big person but even if it's only cause you love her father do it.

All that being said I think you REALLY NEED TO CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE. This is not about an 11 year old little girl. This is about her Father. You should be mad at your husband not his daughter. You are not that kids Mom you should not be the primary disciplinarian if one at all. I wouldn't, I would leave it up to him whenever possible. The man needs to step up. He is putting you in an impossible position and possibly ruining his marriage and your relationship with her. If you are to talk about ending it make sure he knows it's really about him abdicating his responsibly not his young child acting like a young child.

Finally what I am going to say is probably a big lift for most people, but this is really how I always thought about this. I think this is the only way this really works.

My mother loves my sisters like they are her own. They were not always easy, I know that. But when my Dad left one of them stayed and lived with her. Because of that my sisters treat her as good as she is their own Mother. She didn't take her place but she was a huge part of shaping their lives. My parents have been divorced for over 30 years. My Mom is at every Christmas, every birthday, at the birth of my one sisters kids. That was hard for my Mom at first but her being able to have grace for young kids who were going through what are really difficult things even for adults has blessed all of our lives immeasurably.

I met my step mom when I was in my mid 20s, yet I feel very close to her and will forever be in her debt. Partly because of how much she has enriched all our lives, but also because of how much she has loved and taken care of my father. If he were to die today and she were to get sick, I would take care of her like I would my own Mother, no questions asked. But that women has shown me over and over that she loves my Father and she loves our family. She deserves that.

Before you give up. If it were me I would try to do the really heavy lifting and even if it is pretend at first. Try to love this kid like she were your own. Don't expect her to call you Mom, your not her Mom. See if you can earn it. All you should demand out of her at first is that she treats you with respect. You can build on that.

Now maybe you're right and this kid is a bad seed. But she is 11 years old. You have a lot of say about that, but I guarantee you she WILL be, if you guys can't work this out.

She is a little kid learning to be an adult. Teach her, but do it from a place of empathy and love. Imagine how hard this would be for you? See what I am saying, when you married her Father you took some responsibility for her life. YES YOU DID THAT. Save it!

If you get this right it may change your life too. I have no kids, so my step sisters kids are probably the only Grand kids my Mother will ever have. I am forever grateful for that.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

So, so funny that you were called "wicked." So, so typical. And so, so unfair.
I don't see anything in your post to warrant being called that name. 

What happened to you in your marriage as a stepmother and what happened to you in the responses you received here are exactly what I described in *my response here* from a few days ago. It's like you're catching hell from all angles. I'm sorry about that. It's just that people don't understand your plight as a stepmother, so it's normal and also natural that their first inclination is to empathize with and have sympathy for the stepchild(ren) because they, after all, are just children, while you are the adult. So they feel like you should handle things better. What they don't understand is 1) you are human too, 2) you're not automatically wicked just because you are a stepmother, and 3) there is no better way to handle things when you don't have support, particularly don't have support from your husband. So I would ask you to please try to forgive and overlook the responses you received so far, and be prepared because there are very likely more of them to come, and possibly much worse. It's just that they truly don't understand. They are human too and just responding to their inclinations that come naturally.

I would probably respond differently had you not said your stepdaughter began lying on everyone around her right from the start. That indicates she is not only undisciplined now but has never had much discipline if any. There are lots of men who are able to devote themselves to doing the mothering thing, but not all. And out of those who cannot, their solution is to get married. They don't necessarily get married to have a wife and loving relationship. They get married to provide a mother figure for their children. Since you said he's never around and doesn't do any disciplining, it sounds like your husband's motive was to - at least in part if not to a great degree - get himself a glorified AND FREE 'round-the-clock babysitter. It's well known among the stepfamily support and counseling communities that there are women who get duped into marriage this way. The deception certainly doesn't last forever because she inevitably discovers all the responsibilities (but little authority if any) fell completely on her. But it's too late to change her mind because she's married by then and with fewer options than to divorce, thereby relinquishing her own hopes for a happy marriage and family life. And that's just one element that contributes to the much higher divorce rate of second/third marriages with kids from previous unions than the national average of the divorce rate of first marriages - a rate we are already familiar with being in the area of 50%.



Nicely83 said:


> We are in marriage counseling, but things with her haven't improved.


I'm not certain what you mean by that because she's not the one in marriage counseling. So, are you saying your husband isn't responding to the counseling you guys are receiving?

I wonder also if you feel the two of you are receiving good and appropriate counseling. It's often recommended that you need a counselor who is familiar with, if not specializes in stepfamilies because conventional marriage counseling doesn't apply to stepfamilies. How do you feel about the counseling you receive?



Nicely83 said:


> My husband is a guilty dad that works 24/7 and doesn't spend much time with his children which leaves no room for discipline.


How do you know the term "guilty dad?" Have you posted on stepfamily forums, been reading stepfamily forums, or been reading articles about stepfamilies to have become familiar with that term?

While I'm at it, here is a site, *StepTalk.org*, that may be more suited to your needs because it is specifically for stepparents.



Nicely83 said:


> I am at my breaking point and considering leaving. I've been home for a year with the baby and since last summer the 11 year old has been with me most of that time considering the pandemic. I deal with disrespect, talking back, the lies oh the lies she tells. Its too much.


Yes, it really is too much. And with all the common hallmarks of the typical problematic stepfamily, the greatest amount and worst of the stress falls on you, the stepmother.

There ordinarily aren't many suggestions. Even though I linked you to a stepfamily site, it's mostly for step parents to vent their frustrations (as you have done here) and to receive support and commiseration. But there aren't usually abc solutions although you will receive many suggestions which may or may not be helpful. 

One suggestion I will make is that you and stepdaughter together receive counseling and relationship-building. And since marriage counseling isn't working out, it can be replaced with counseling for you two at least for a while to see how it goes.

Another suggestion is that you read the book "*Stepmonster*" by Dr. Wednesday Martin. It can be a god-send to help you understand what you're going through and why. You'll get a lot of suggestions from the StepTalk site to read this book.



Nicely83 said:


> And the kicker is she calls me mom.....
> 
> P.s
> 
> I'm also considering talking to my husband about her not calling me mom until we can establish a bond if and when.


I don't know if doing this is a good idea or not, but my opinion is that it would set you both back even farther than you are. If you take my suggestion for the two of you to get counseling and relationship-building, then I don't think you should do this just yet. Give it time to see how the counseling works out first.


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## Nicely83 (Aug 12, 2020)

My husband is actually the passive aggressive one here. He avoids conflict at all cost and it's very hard at times. Me on the other hand am very vocal about my needs, wants, and how I would like things to go. Whenever I mention therapy for her he says nothing and the same for family therapy. Marriage counseling was a struggle as well, but he finally agreed to it. Its difficult when he can't see the bigger picture. He prioritizes work over everything and although bills have to get paid and food has to be put on the table etc he also has a family that needs him and a daughter who is crying out for his help and attention. I've told him that I'm paying for his neglect as has the therapist.

I'm very introverted and need my space so there's no competition here. I practically beg my husband to spend time with her or leave the house. Him being away is not my issue. I could get along fine, but again he has the 11 year old and I'm afraid the pattern will continue when the one year old grows up.

I have pulled her aside several times and have let her know that this is new for all of us and that everyone is loved the same. She's not alone.

When I was pregnant I would take her to work with me and style her hair. I've taught her how to properly wash and condition her hair, how to cook, do laundry, iron all while making it a fun learning experience and I still get met with disrespect at times and being lied on.

One time she pretended to be her dad during a discussion over text and didn't see the problem there. She behaves more like his wife than his daughter and she also tries to reprimand my one year old as if she is her mother. She's sassy and rude and she knows it and has boasted about it on several occasions. She has made rude remarks about my weight, my cooking and acne I had during pregnancy. She's told me if I do not let her do certain things she will tell her dad I hit her, or am cheating on him. I mean I have stories for days.

So when I say I have tried everything I have minus the therapy.

I believe she wants to go live with her mom, but her dad won't let her. So she is miserable because she's stuck with me while her dad works and I am miserable because he works all day and leaves me with a child that I don't connect with.


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

I recall a Supernanny episode with a similar situation. The mom had met a man, had 2 kids with him very quickly, and had left her two teens in the wake, causing them to act out in jealousy and pain. 

This girl needs a counselor, at the least to help her sort out her feelings. And so it asap before hormones make it worse. 

And hey, you obviously care about her enough to want to make things better, and I hope you do.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Nicely83 said:


> My husband is actually the passive aggressive one here. He avoids conflict at all cost and it's very hard at times. Me on the other hand am very vocal about my needs, wants, and how I would like things to go. Whenever I mention therapy for her he says nothing and the same for family therapy. Marriage counseling was a struggle as well, but he finally agreed to it. Its difficult when he can't see the bigger picture. He prioritizes work over everything and although bills have to get paid and food has to be put on the table etc he also has a family that needs him and a daughter who is crying out for his help and attention. I've told him that I'm paying for his neglect as has the therapist.
> 
> I'm very introverted and need my space so there's no competition here. I practically beg my husband to spend time with her or leave the house. Him being away is not my issue. I could get along fine, but again he has the 11 year old and I'm afraid the pattern will continue when the one year old grows up.
> 
> ...


How do you discipline her when she does those things? Or what does your husband do? There has to be consequences or kids will run roughshod over you. Some are easier than others and some need more discipline than others.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Frankly, if you need marriage counseling after a year of marriage, that's not a good prognosis for your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@*Nicely83*


You say that your husband works long hours and therefore is seldom around for you and for his daughter. Before you came into the picture, how watched your stepdaughter when he was at work? Have the hours he works increased dramatically since you two moved in together and you took over the child care?


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Is her mom in the picture? If so, her attitude could be stemming from wanting to see her parents reunite and you stopped that from happening. Now she's trying to sabotage your marriage. Being a step parent is very difficult. Been there, done that, got the divorce to show for it. 

And who's idea was it for her to call you mom? That's too much IMO. Your not her mom and never will be. At 11, she should be calling you by your first name.


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## Nicely83 (Aug 12, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> Is her mom in the picture? If so, her attitude could be stemming from wanting to see her parents reunite and you stopped that from happening. Now she's trying to sabotage your marriage. Being a step parent is very difficult. Been there, done that, got the divorce to show for it.
> 
> And who's idea was it for her to call you mom? That's too much IMO. Your not her mom and never will be. At 11, she should be calling you by your first name.


Her mom lives in Trinidad and left her when she was 2 months. She talks to her here and there, but she hasn't seen her in about 4 years. Her parents were never together.


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## Nicely83 (Aug 12, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> Is her mom in the picture? If so, her attitude could be stemming from wanting to see her parents reunite and you stopped that from happening. Now she's trying to sabotage your marriage. Being a step parent is very difficult. Been there, done that, got the divorce to show for it.
> 
> And who's idea was it for her to call you mom? That's too much IMO. Your not her mom and never will be. At 11, she should be calling you by your first name.


It was her idea to call me mom, but I regret it and it makes me uncomfortable to be honest.


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## Nicely83 (Aug 12, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @*Nicely83*
> 
> 
> You say that your husband works long hours and therefore is seldom around for you and for his daughter. Before you came into the picture, how watched your stepdaughter when he was at work? Have the hours he works increased dramatically since you two moved in together and you took over the child care?
> ...


The hours have decreased, but its still overwhelming. Before us she was in school then he would pick her up and continue working with her there. He's a carpenter. He also had neighbors that would look after her and she would play with their children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nicely83 said:


> The hours have decreased, but its still overwhelming. Before us she was in school then he would pick her up and continue working with her there. He's a carpenter. He also had neighbors that would look after her and she would play with their children.


Does she miss playing with the neighbor children?


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## Nicely83 (Aug 12, 2020)

StarFires said:


> So, so funny that you were called "wicked." So, so typical. And so, so unfair.
> I don't see anything in your post to warrant being called that name.
> 
> What happened to you in your marriage as a stepmother and what happened to you in the responses you received here are exactly what I described in *my response here* from a few days ago. It's like you're catching hell from all angles. I'm sorry about that. It's just that people don't understand your plight as a stepmother, so it's normal and also natural that their first inclination is to empathize with and have sympathy for the stepchild(ren) because they, after all, are just children, while you are the adult. So they feel like you should handle things better. What they don't understand is 1) you are human too, 2) you're not automatically wicked just because you are a stepmother, and 3) there is no better way to handle things when you don't have support, particularly don't have support from your husband. So I would ask you to please try to forgive and overlook the responses you received so far, and be prepared because there are very likely more of them to come, and possibly much worse. It's just that they truly don't understand. They are human too and just responding to their inclinations that come naturally.
> ...


I agree with everything you've said. I often feel like a glorified nanny.
In counseling we have brought up the children and the fact that he needs to spend more time with her so when i say it hasn't improved I mean in that aspect.

I have done a lot of research so I say he is a guilty dad because he knows he doesn't spend much time with her so he let's her get away with things that she should be punished for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Nicely83,

I was married to a guy who had 100% custody of his two children. Their mother had abandoned them than the children were about 7/9 years old. We married when the children were about 10/12 years old. 

We had some of the same problems. The children resented that he married me. Their mother seldom contacted them. She did have a month in the summer and a week for Christmas. When they came home after being with her they were terrible. For example, one summer they told us that their mother and her friends told them to behave very badly, to verbally attack me constantly and then to lie to the police about it saying that I was doing all the wrong. They told the children that if they did that, the court would let them go live with their mother. Btu their mother did not want them to live with her. She is the one who chose to not be with them. But she did not want to admit it to them.. it was easier her to just cause trouble.

Their father basically dumped raised them on me. He spent most of his time either at work or in his home office ignoring both me and them. They really resented that as well, and rightly so.

When my step children were in their early 30's they both apologized to me for how awful there threated me. They also told me that I was really the only mother they ever really had and loved me for it. They are in their early 30's now.

You are in a no-win situation. Your step daughter is hurting, feeling ignored, feeling replaced. She's taking it out on you. She dare not take it out on her father because if she does she might lose him too. Does she blame herself for her mother abandoning her?

There are some very good books addressing step parenting. One of the major points that they all make is that the step parent is not the child's actual parent. For that reason, a step parent should not be the main parent, they should not be disciplining the child, and so forth. 

Is there any chance that you can get some family counseling that includes your stepdaughter? What you are going through it very common. It's not good for you, your children, or your stepdaughter. Her behavior si going to get worse as she enters her teen years. You need help.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Stepmum here, and I can relate to everything you wrote honey. Being a step mum is SO hard at times. It's not for the faint of heart that's for sure.

I echo the others in that the problem isn't this sweet little girl - it's her parents. Her Dad is failing her by not pulling her up for her bad behaviour. So are you sorry to say,

The thing is, the poor little thing is acting out for so many reasons but the biggest being testing I suspect. Her Mum didn't want her (that will have had a HUGE impact on her), she daren't play up for Dad in case he dumps her too, which leaves you. As the step parent you're an easy target.

Put yourself in her shoes - Mummy dumped her as a baby, it was just her and Daddy for years then a new woman came along and in short order Daddy married her. THEN they had a baby. So in a short space of time she's gone from having Daddy's undivided attention, to having to share him with not one but two other people - and she had no say in any of it.

If you understand why she's doing it, it will help you feel less frustrated with her behaviour and more able to manage it xx


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Nicely83 said:


> Thank you both for responding. I'm aware I may come off as the wicked step mom, but it wasn't always this way. From the very beginning I was nothing but nice I treated her with respect and gave her love and attention I even spent time with her. Things didn't change until I could no longer take it anymore. I've honestly tried everything and I have even mentioned therapy for her to my husband. I understand I am the adult here, but I am also human and my life got flipped upside down as well. Its a transition for everyone, but only one person is making it difficult.


Question- was the 1 year old planned? Could the 11 year old (then 9 or 10) have seen this pregnancy come along at exactly the wrong time, not just from an intrusion standpoint, but also questions about sex and babies? Or was this something that forced the issue ("having" to get married), something the 11 year old may have picked up on? Could the 11 year old be seeing the new arrival as a replacement? That she's not good enough? 

I agree with others that "family" therapy may be as important, maybe more so, than MC.


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