# He's not inlove with me anymore



## lovelaughlive (Jun 1, 2010)

Where do I begin? I am new here, I ahve been married 6 years to my true love. We have 2 kids who are 5 1/2 and almost 4. 
Our marriage has always been a little rocky, but I know I love him and wouldnt ever fream of divorce. 
For about 4 months he has been very irretable and hateful towards me and the kids. I can do something and its never enough (or it seems that way). He has been calling me bad names and yells constantly. It hurts so much that I am now depressed. I asked him today if he loves me anymore, because He doesn't look at me the same he isnt compassionate towards me at all. after I asked him, he said, I love you but its not the way it used to be. I dont have the same feelings for you anymore. He said he didnt know when he started feeling this way and he doesnt know why. I am so brokwnhearted right now. I have beenw ith this man since I was almost 16 years old. He and my kidss are my life and I feel like I am losing half of my heart. 


I just needed somewhere to talk and get this off my chest. thanks.


----------



## lovelaughlive (Jun 1, 2010)

I really need someone to talk to who is having problems like this. I have no one else to turn to and i feel so alone.


----------



## jengirl (Jun 1, 2010)

i have an idea of how you are feeling. I have been married for almost 6 years but I have been with my husband since high school which is just about 17 years. For about a year now maybe a little more he has been very irretable and out of touch. This started right around the time I found out I was pregnant with our fourth son. I basically feel the same way you do so please do not think you are alone


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Check his phone records to see who he's calling. Install a keylogger on his computer to see who he contacts. The sudden change and the I-love-you-but-I'm-not-in-love-with-you speech is almost always because of an affair.

That said, men very often fall out of love with the MARRIAGE, once kids come along and it's not fun any more. Especially if you're that young, and he never got to date around in his 'youth' and he's now wondering what he gave up.

YOU need to do some things to spice up your marriage. Go out on dates every week. Spend 10 hours a week just you and him, doing things he likes. You have to become the PERSON he has fun with.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you do not have outside interests, you need to get them. Letting any individual become your "whole life" is too much for THEM, and not good for you. 

Get into counseling--go alone if he won't go with you. it is essential and do not use $$ as an excuse to avoid it. Divorce is a lot more expensive. Good luck.


----------



## lovelaughlive (Jun 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Check his phone records to see who he's calling. Install a keylogger on his computer to see who he contacts. The sudden change and the I-love-you-but-I'm-not-in-love-with-you speech is almost always because of an affair.
> 
> That said, men very often fall out of love with the MARRIAGE, once kids come along and it's not fun any more. Especially if you're that young, and he never got to date around in his 'youth' and he's now wondering what he gave up.
> 
> YOU need to do some things to spice up your marriage. Go out on dates every week. Spend 10 hours a week just you and him, doing things he likes. You have to become the PERSON he has fun with.


My husband was 24 when he and I met. He had already been in the marines 4 years, been in relationships with women from all over. We have lost the fun facter in our marriage. He had an opertunity to take me sailing this past weekend. He said he wanted me to go but then started making excuses to why I probably wouldnt want to go. so I just said that Ididnt want to go and for him to have fun.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His change is still indicative of an affair.


----------



## lovelaughlive (Jun 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> His change is still indicative of an affair.


I have felt that way and have actually logged in his email and checked his phone. I feel horrible for doing that because its an invasion of privacy, I am so insecure about our relationship that Its really annoying to me. 
I feel like my life is falling apart. I am suppost to go back to school this fall becuase both of our kids will be in school and that was always our plan. 
Now I'm wondering if I will even be in my marriage after what he said to me yesterday. 
His mom wants me to pack the kids up and Move to Texas so she can help me get back into school and so I wouldnt be alone while being a single mom. I know its not good to get Family involved but she is the only outlet until now that I have had. 
I trust her completely and I know she wouldn ever judge me or my husband. Because has crazy as it may sound, even though he has called me every name in the book, and at times physicly putting his hands on me I wold defend him to anyone who ever said anything bad about him. 
My husband has me so confused, One day he is very loving and thenext he doesnt even want me. I just want to SCREAM!!!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is NOT wrong to get family involved.

In fact, if he IS cheating - and you REALLY need to find out so you know what you're dealing with, then family is probably the ONE thing that can get him to stop.


----------



## lovelaughlive (Jun 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> It is NOT wrong to get family involved.
> 
> In fact, if he IS cheating - and you REALLY need to find out so you know what you're dealing with, then family is probably the ONE thing that can get him to stop.


If he is, then he is good at covering his tracks. 
I only talk to his mother about whats going on. She is also hurt that he is doing this to the kdis and me. She said if he thinks that hurting you and ending the marriage is going to solve anything he is WRONG! She is indesbelieve that her son could be so cruel...and when she heard he had been being very verbaly abusive she said that If I desided to elave she owuld send me money for the drive to Tx. I wish I didnt have to depend on only her on helping me in a bad situation. My family is not supportive at all. Really My mother inlaw is like my mom. I can't help but feel that I've done something wrong to make him like this towards me. I grew up in a split home. My mom was a barfly I took care of my babysister, the house (when we had one) and I had to grow up wayto fast. but all Ive ever wanted is a family...My own family. My mother was not a good mom to me. I can't even talk to her about little things without it being told to everyone in the county we live in. I have put so much of myself into my family I have no friends, and when I want to get out and do something he's never up for watching the kids. now I feel like everything I have sacrificed has been for nothing. the only thing I have to hold onto is my kids and I am soooo thankful I have them. If My marriage doesn't work I worry that one day my kids will hold it agaist me and think its my fault. how will I ever tell them how hard I tried to make it work. That I wasn't the one who wanted out. Also that I love their dad and would have spent my whole life with him if he would have wanted to. I hate feeling so desperate. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. 

Thank you for replying to my thread...It helps to have someone to talk to thats out of the loop of my miserable life.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I know you are hurting but you also need to stop being the victim and take control of your life. You have placed too much faith and trust in another person to say he and your kids are your life. Build onto yourself and your life and become more confident, so what he does is not so entirely devastating. Make friends and socialize without him. Don't always be home and totally available to him. If you dress nicely, put on some makeup, and go out for a while each day or several days a week, he will take notice. Even if you just go to the movies alone or to the gym to occupy your time, you won't be around and emotionally needing his attention all the time, but it will get his attention. When he asks where you're going or where you've been, be relatively vague just like he is. Make excuses that he won't want to do the things you do - women coffee klatching, girlie movies. Turn this around on him so he wakes up and takes notice. He has to realize he is not the only one who can have an affair. He also has to awaken to the fact that other men can be interested in you just like he is interested in someone else. You don't have to sit down and take his infidelity, his cruelty, and his disrespect. You shouldn't take it for one minute. You don't have to leave your life in his hands and accept his decisions are your fate. Stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself. It won't help anything. Fight back so he gets the clue. If nothing works, then at least you tried and you didn't lay down crying and being his victim.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lovelaughlive said:


> I can't help but feel that I've done something wrong to make him like this towards me.


Why would another person doing something wrong be YOUR responsibility? He's an adult. He makes his own choices. Right now, his choices are to be selfish, cruel, and abusive. NOTHING to do with you - it only reflects on what a poor core belief system HE has. (unless it's an affair, in which case part of the blame belongs on the addiction he's in)



> I grew up in a split home. My mom was a barfly I took care of my babysister, the house (when we had one) and I had to grow up wayto fast. but all Ive ever wanted is a family...


Spend some time doing some reading. Go to your library and look up the self-help section. You'll find tons of great information on why you became an Enabler and a Giver because of your OWN needs not being met as a child. Your mother parentified you, so that YOU had to become the parent. This situation sets up all kinds of self-destructive behaviors in you, such as a false belief that you have to sacrifice yourself or your happiness just so that someone else will find you loveable. That is NOT TRUE. God made you like everyone else - valuable. You need to start believing that.



> I have put so much of myself into my family I have no friends, and when I want to get out and do something he's never up for watching the kids.


First, your biggest mistake is sacrificing YOU for HIM; or even the kids. YOU are JUST as valuable as he is, or as your children are. And just like they say on the airplanes, you have to take care of yourself first, before you put on your kids' oxygen mask - if YOU are not healthy, THEY cannot be healthy. 

Now is when you have to start learning boundaries. Get the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Towsend at the library. You will learn that YOU have just as much a right to have a life as HE does. He doesn't respect you, because YOU don't respect you. If you did, you wouldn't accept him 'not being up to' watching the kids. You would get up Saturday morning, kiss him and say "I've got errands to run; you're in charge of the kids" and then LEAVE. For at least 3 hours. _You need to get a life_. Or you will go crazy. And then you're no good to your kids. And if won't step up to the plate, then you'll just have to show him HOW. By you sacrificing all this time, you have grown to lose faith in yourself, doubt yourself, blame yourself...and that's BS! When you were dating him, did you say to yourself "I don't care if he dumps me to hang out with his friends, as long as we stay married"? Of course not. YOU DESERVE just as much respect and free time as he does. TAKE it.



> If My marriage doesn't work I worry that one day my kids will hold it agaist me and think its my fault.


First, that is NOT true. They will not hold it against you if you tell them the truth. Second, you are the PARENT; THEY are the children. It is your job to do what you have to do so that YOU are healthy in mind and body so you can protect them and raise them to be responsible, happy adults; it is NOT your job to make them like you. Please don't let such things guide your plans.

Are you in the States? If so, go to www.unitedway.org and find the nearest office. Go there, tell them that you need help with a counselor, job training, financial assistance, whatever. It's what they do. Let them help you take care of yourself, ok?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

susan2010 said:


> i know you are hurting but you also need to stop being the victim and take control of your life. You have placed too much faith and trust in another person to say he and your kids are your life. Build onto yourself and your life and become more confident, so what he does is not so entirely devastating. Make friends and socialize without him. Don't always be home and totally available to him. If you dress nicely, put on some makeup, and go out for a while each day or several days a week, he will take notice. Even if you just go to the movies alone or to the gym to occupy your time, you won't be around and emotionally needing his attention all the time, but it will get his attention. When he asks where you're going or where you've been, be relatively vague just like he is. Make excuses that he won't want to do the things you do - women coffee klatching, girlie movies. Turn this around on him so he wakes up and takes notice. He has to realize he is not the only one who can have an affair. He also has to awaken to the fact that other men can be interested in you just like he is interested in someone else. You don't have to sit down and take his infidelity, his cruelty, and his disrespect. You shouldn't take it for one minute. You don't have to leave your life in his hands and accept his decisions are your fate. Stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself. It won't help anything. Fight back so he gets the clue. If nothing works, then at least you tried and you didn't lay down crying and being his victim.


exactly.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

The library was an excellent idea. You will find self esteem in the books Turnera suggested.

You could lose yourself all day in a library. What is even better is the distraction to take your mind off of being sorrowful, and you will actually become fortified. Plus, it's a great place to take the kids. They get in the habit of utilizing the library and learning the valuable and endless resource that it is. Additionally, many libraries have activities, workshops, and story time for kids that are free to attend.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One of the reasons my DD19 loves to read so much is that I always made sure we went to the library at LEAST one Saturday or Sunday every single month, growing up. And it's all free!


----------



## lovelaughlive (Jun 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> One of the reasons my DD19 loves to read so much is that I always made sure we went to the library at LEAST one Saturday or Sunday every single month, growing up. And it's all free!


The library is one place the kids and I love to go. I will make a list of the books you suggested. Thanks so much for the feedback. 
I do have things to look forward to...I am going back to school no matter what happens and I have been putting in job apps around the area I live. hopefully soon my world will open up so that I can begin to grow into the person I want to be and I know I have in me. My goal is to be dependent on myself and not on him. I realize I sound like the victim, but I really am working towards getting out of that habit. Its a bad one I hope I overcome sooner then later.


----------



## deanbert74 (Dec 9, 2009)

I unfortunately know exactly how your feeling. My husband of almost 11yrs told me 6 mos ago he isnt in love with me anymore. It was devastating to say the least. He was set on moving out and moving on with his life, but I urged (begged) him to give it some time and see if its some kind of midlife crisis or something. And, no, it isn't an affair. People always say, oh he must be having an affair, which isnt always the case so dont necessarily fixate on that as a cause of his change in feelings. My husband says its because I for many years havent treated him like an equal, and dont involve him in decision making, and many other things. He says thats eaten away at his feelings for me. Over the last 6mos I have changed alot, its been a big eye opener to how i treat and dont treat him. We are getting along quite well, but we are more friends than anything else. He sleeps on the couch, and has for the last 6+mos now. I recently got enough courage to ask him how he is feeling now. I asked if his feelings have changed, if he is in this 100% or not, what are we doing. I was met with alot of 'i don't knows', not what i had hoped for. I dont want to get divorced, i dont want my family to breakup (we have a 10yr old son), but enough is enough. I have never felt so unsure and scared of my future, and cant take it anymore. 

Putting 110% into saving my marriage and having him just be here and not really show any effort has made me bitter and I am finding my feelings have started to change for him. I so scared when he decides what he wants, I wont feel it for him anymore.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

deanbert, go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask him to fill them out. Fill them out yourself. Share them. Learn more about each other, so you can stop LBs and meet ENs. That's a great way to get more in tune with each other, and be able to move toward him having a reason to want to stay.


----------



## flatterpuss (May 26, 2010)

love laugh live, it sounds like a possible loss of attraction (with other deeper issues) that were probably not resolved from the beginning of your marriage.

You don't deserve to be treated like this. My guess is that if he doesn't 'look at you the same' then perhaps you've both lost the passion. 

I know a website that can help with that - with free info in creating love and attraction:

Attraction Control - Creating Lasting Attraction in Long Term Relationships and Marriage

Hope that help, many blessings


----------



## confusedwife99 (Jun 3, 2010)

I can understand how you all feel, but what if you don't have pets or kids and your husband isn't having an affair. He just has so much baggage in his past that he never dealt with that now he thinks he shouldn't be married.

The worst part for me is that he doesn't live with me and I can distract myself all day with work and whatnot, but when its time to go to sleep and his side is empty...that's when you can't help but feel all those emotions you have controlled all day.


----------

