# Right to be so angry?



## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi all, I'm a first time poster and I think I'm writing this down mainly to vent, but if anyone wants to comment in anyway, please feel free! I sure could use the advice!!

Husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. I worked a full time night shift job and looked after the kids all day too while hubby was at work. He did nothing at all to help me around the house, never went out anywhere except to work and spent his entire time at home either asleep or on the computer. We never had anything to talk about aside from the kids and I tried on a number of occasions to motivate him to spend some time out of the house either out with friends or at the gym, anything really to give him something to do. He never ever did any of this, and it got to the point where his friends, sick of him turning them down eventually gave up leaving him with no-one aside from me and the children.

About a year ago, I told him he needed to do more to help me more as I couldn't do everything by myself and he promised he would. After a few months, nothing had changed so we had a row about it and I told him that things had to change as I was getting fed up of being a mum all day, at work all night and running the house by myself. I told him if things didn't change, then I couldn't see a way forward. 

A few weeks after this (with still nothing being done!) I had a miscarriage (my 5th). He was in bed while it was happening and I woke him up to tell him. His reaction was to stay in bed. He didn't comfort me at all or even check on me to see if I was ok.

The next day, I told him that I'd got to the end of my rope and the marriage was over.

He moved out a month ago and the effect on my oldest child has been devastating. She says every day that she misses her daddy and needs constant reassurance that I'm not going to leave too. 

I have been able to cope with this, but what I have found very hard is that in the month since he moved out, he has suddenly been doing all the things socially I had been encouraging him to do for years! He has joined a gym, gone out with workmates and basically got a life. What has resulted in me coming here tonight is that I discovered he had taken another woman (that he has known for about 2 weeks) out for dinner this evening!! He lied to me over the phone 3 times before he eventually admitted where he was and who he was with. I was livid at being lied to and upset that he has moved on to dating someone within a month of moving out.

Tonight has really brought home to me that he clearly couldn't have cared less about keeping the marriage and his family together. 

Am I right to feel so angry at being lied to and him moving on so quickly or am I over reacting? Please do be honest, I can cope!

Thanks for reading and I must say, I do feel better for having written it all down!!


----------



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I would be very upset in your situation as well. 

It has been three years since my marriage ended and I still get a thorn in my paw when I see my ex-husband do things and support his new wife in ways he never did for me. I am glad he is trying to be a better spouse than he was for me. He seems to be trying hard to subdue the male chauvinistic tendencies he once had. It really makes him a much better role model for our son than he was before.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Sunflower Faerie said:


> I have been able to cope with this, but what I have found very hard is that in the month since he moved out, he has suddenly been doing all the things socially I had been encouraging him to do for years! He has joined a gym, gone out with workmates and basically got a life. What has resulted in me coming here tonight is that I discovered he had taken another woman (that he has known for about 2 weeks) out for dinner this evening!! He lied to me over the phone 3 times before he eventually admitted where he was and who he was with. I was livid at being lied to and upset that he has moved on to dating someone within a month of moving out.
> 
> Am I right to feel so angry at being lied to and him moving on so quickly or am I over reacting?


So the 180 talked about on this forum actually works.

You did tell him the marriage was over, correct? Apparently he took you seriously or has been reading about "180" in this forum.


----------



## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

TBH, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by 180 (sorry).

I have told him the marriage is over and what upset me the most was that he never tried to change my mind or argue about it! This is the man who claimed to love me and would do anything for me and yet he couldn't do a damn thing to help me or support me through a 5th miscarriage!

What I'm most upset about tonight is that he lied to me about taking this girl out. I knew as soon as he mentioned her that he would be taking her out but he tried to deny it. I'm also upset at how quickly he has appeared to move on. Perhaps I wouldn't be so livid if he had been honest. Hurt maybe, but not so angry!


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I know this scenario all too well. My first ex was the exact same way. He cut ties with all his friends and turned into this horrible blob that oozed around the house. After we divorced he got a great new job, lost a bunch of weight and got a younger new wife. Oh well, first ex was a nice guy for the most part. Just got a picture of their daughter who is like 2 or 3. Cute kid. Glad she's not mine!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but it sounds like the marriage was over awhile before the actual separation. Then you told him it was over, and he moved out. Unless you discussed something different, at that point you kind of lose your "right" to know what he's up to, and whether he lies or not shouldn't concern you either. 

Yes, it would be nice if he felt the same as you. But even in the best of relationships, we can't control the other persons thoughts or emotions. And since it doesn't seem like you're talking too much, it will be tough knowing whats going through his head.

In my case, I spent most of the summer determining my marriage was over. We gave things one last round of counseling in November before
I decided it was over. In December, I told her, and we stuck it through the holidays for the kids. Then I waited another 7 weeks due tomsome health issues on her side. By the time it was said and done, it was almost 8 months from the time I figured we were done and I started the grieving process for the marriage. 

I started seeing someone a couple weeks after I separated. It started light and casual, someone to hang out with. I don't feel guilty for that at all, although I'm glad my wife hasn't found out. More to prevent hurt feelings than anything. But it's my life now, not a shared life with her anymore.

Anyway, just a guys $0.02 worth.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

While I understand that I really don't have a right to know what he is doing and who with, it still hurts that just a few weeks after moving out, he has already started a new relationship. Since first posting here, he has admitted that its a relationship. 

I was very angry and asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed. He said he would feel the same as me and be hurt and angry!!

I have now told him that I don't want to discuss anything with him about his life unless it concerns the children. I don't want to be his "friend" as friends don't lie or set out to hurt one another. I have also told him that he is not to introduce his new girlfriend to the children until I decide its appropriate. I'm not saying that to be a *****, but the kids are very young ( 5 & 2 ) and it would be too confusing for them so soon after the split. And he has been told that he must see the kids on a proper, regular basis and not let them down for the sake of his new girlfriend.

He has agreed to this and hopefully doesn't go behind my back as I do think these ground rules are very important. I am absolutely NOT using the children as a weapon at any time. They need regular and consistent contact with their dad and I honestly feel that bringing a new woman into their lives would not be the best thing for them right now.

I hope I can get rid of this feeling of bitterness and anger at how I have been treated over the last 12 months both before and after the split.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You have every right to be hurt and angry.

However you should be glad you did ask him to leave, because staying with some loser who doesn't realize what he's got, doesn't value or even comfort his own wife when she has a miscarriage, is worse then asking him to move and realizing nothing has changed.

At least now you can move on and start having the life you deserve.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

sunflower faerie:
In the moment of fear and pain and loss, your husband was not there for you; your "anchor", your best friend. Ponder that. I don't mean to be cruel and heartless to you when you are feeling vulnerable and lost. But the fact of the matter is, he was not an emotional support when you needed him.

Have you found our problems seem to get bigger the older we get? If he can't be there for something so devastating, what about up the road?

In the quiet moment of the day, reflect on the truth of the matter, put your feelings aside and your brain will tell you what your heart already knows.

I had to face the EA, my X was having (it turned out not to be his fantasy that he thought: she was a 65 yr old 45 yr married woman) and I got immense satisfaction out of that. Can I ever trust this person again? NO! end of marriage for me. The lying, the deceit, the words, no apologies, the callousness....was this what I was willing to take back no matter what? NO!

My despair was that the dream went up in a cloud of smoke. The truth of the matter was it was a dream because I was with someone that would run away the moment the feelings were other than happy. And he is 65! How do you reach 65 yrs old and run a way as your form of dealing with life's ups and downs? Sounds like that is what you have. 

You are not alone, you were alone. Gather your support system around you. It will be tough but you will not wither away. You will blossom. Do the things that you have wanted to do or try new things. Another words:

LIVE LIVE LIVE


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You told him the marriage was over and you watched him walk out of your home. Who he's with and what he's doing isn't your concern.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Wait a minute, but you two are actually still married and neither legally seperated or divorced?

Begin to establish a status-quo with those kids, NOW.
Its time to get "down to business" in your head, and get online and research the entire spectrum of what divorce means to you.


----------



## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I agree with you being angry. I have a similar situation with my ex and dont want him bringing the ditzy 21 year old girlfriend around the kids either. You had aguy, as did I, who couldnt handle the "For worse" part of the wedding vows. I guess he didnt pay attention to that part.


----------



## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes, we are neither divorced or legally separated. I was trying to keep things as friendly as possible for the children and if I'm completely honest, I was hoping that once he moved out, he would see what an idiot he'd been and realise that his family were important! Looks like I was a bit of a mug there!!

As I have said to people in the past, he isn't a bad father, just a bad husband. Now it would seem that he is a bad husband, friend and person too! 

As long as he continues to be a good dad then I'll no further axe to grind with him but the minute he lets them down for something frivolous then there will be hell to pay!! I will not tolerate my children being let down by the one man they are supposed to be able to rely on!

I'm still very hurt and angry that less than 5 weeks after leaving his home and family, he has hooked up with someone else. I know it may not be my "right" to be upset, but after all he has said about not wanting anyone else in his life (said 3 weeks ago) the fact the he has bedded the first woman to blink in his general direction is shocking to me! I don't believe it was going on while he was still living here because as already mentioned, he didn't go anywhere apart from work! I do still feel like he's cheating on me though and I suppose in the eyes of the law, he is committing adultery, but even on an emotional level, it feels wrong and I feel betrayed. We had been through so much together with losing 5 babies and bringing another 2 into the world. Even just a few years ago I was really happy in my marriage and never thought it would all collapse as it has and for him to turn into a man I hardly even recognise any more!


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yes, He is cheating on you. Angry, upset? Those are rather calm reactions. A decent man would make sure the whole process was ended before dating someone else. Does this other woman know he is still married? Sounds like a quality person there dont it?
What I dont hear in your posts is what YOU plan on, and what it is YOU believe you deserve in life now that he has obviously moved on. You have EVERY right to be upset, and his hooking up with someone else is absolutely cheating on you and your kids.
You are facing the reality of betrayal. This sucks so vastly, and to be at the point of confusion about it...

So what are YOU going to do? You now, believe it or not are empowered to make your own choices and decisions as to your own best possible life from this point on. The days of depending on him to make you complete or to satisfy the white picket fence dreams with "him" are over.
His future, involves at least the part time loss of his kids in his life, a woman that doesnt know he is married and once finds out, will greatly reduce her opinion of him if shes of any quality person at all.
Together, they can spend the next few years wondering if each other are cheating on each other. By then, you will have what you want in life, and will be making positive progress towards the good and real things in life you deserve.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sunflower,

You may have intended for him to join the Foreign Legion, miss you and the kids, and then come crawling back. Your words did not convey that intention. Your words told him you were finished with him. The risk of throwing word grenades is that our partners may call our bluff. He may have been more disgusted with you than you were of him. Once the trash has been put on the curb, we lose ownership rights to it. Legally married or not, once a woman tells me she has lost all love for me, I'm free. I'm not dangling on a cross for a piece of paper.


----------



## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

Unbelievable - I said to him on more than one occasion that it was not what I wanted and that I wanted to make things work. As time went on, HE proved with his INACTIONS (despite saying the opposite!) that he didn't. He told me he loved me and the kids and wanted to make a good go of it and yet did nothing at all!!! The things he told me he was unhappy with I changed to suit him. It may not have suited me, but I believe that sometimes you need to compromise to get along. He did all the taking and gave nothing back in return and yet I STILL wanted my marriage to succeed because I loved my husband and didn't want to tear my family apart!

While to a certain extent I agree with your words, it doesn't change the fact that I feel betrayed by a man who even up until a few weeks ago (after he moved out) was still telling me he loved me!

I would be very surprised if the new woman in his life doesn't know he's married. He has probably spun the story to her to suit his own ends as he tried to do with me with I confronted him with the fact that I knew about her.

What she is in his life I don't know, but what she is in mine is a full stop! There is now absolutely no going back now, but it still does not affect how much he has hurt me.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"The next day, I told him that I'd got to the end of my rope and the marriage was over." That's pretty unambiguous to me. Doesn't sound like someone asking to work on things. I get that you're angry and I understand that you're hurt, but it doesn't change your status. If you feel betrayed and feel that this guy's dishonest or making horrible decisions, it just means you're probably wise to dump him. My ex was a real piece of work and I wasted quite a long time alternating between feeling resentful and hopeful. Total waste of good years I now wish I had. She wasn't right for me, never would be, never could be and she spent the next 20+ years making other guys' lives a living hell and still does to this day. Better them than me. I know it takes work to make a relationship function but you can't build anything decent with crap for materials. You can't love a selfish person into unselfishness. You can't love a drunk sober. You can't love crazy into sanity. You can't love dishonesty into honesty. If you picked a scumbag loser, spend this time to figure out why you were attracted to one, what warning signs you missed, and why you ignored them. People don't just wake up one morning and decide to be dirtbags. We end up partnered with them only when we don't believe the clues they show us. Best of luck to you.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> Sunflower,
> 
> You may have intended for him to join the Foreign Legion, miss you and the kids, and then come crawling back. Your words did not convey that intention. Your words told him you were finished with him. The risk of throwing word grenades is that our partners may call our bluff. He may have been more disgusted with you than you were of him. Once the trash has been put on the curb, we lose ownership rights to it. Legally married or not, once a woman tells me she has lost all love for me, I'm free. I'm not dangling on a cross for a piece of paper.


:iagree: 

I can understand you feeling hurt and angry. But, the only one that's hurting is you and your children. If you aren't already in individual counseling, you may want to consider doing so. Work on yourself. That loser husband (yeah the one who wouldn't even console you when you miscarried) is out of your life now. Imagine the possibilities!


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I understand the hurt and anger. Look at it as he is someone elses problem now, no longer yours. Take care of you, your kids, and be happy.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You let him know how you felt and tried to initiate change in the relationship by making changes yourself, hoping he would follow suit. He did not. Would you be happier with the same "him" that let you down time after time? Because he has clearly given you the message that he has no intention of changing, growing. So, of course you are angry and disappointed. He turned out to be much less of a man than you thought he could be. Remember, that is who he is--and it is less than you want. Maybe you are also angry b/c his inability to grow will have a potentially negative impact on your kids--just don't assume it will, b/c that will affect your ability to co-parent with him. Just remember that he is not the man you thought he was, and definitely not the man you wanted or needed. You cannot spare your kids the pain that might come if he lets them down, too, but he might not. And if he does--be there for your kids. Let them know that is what he is capable of, being the kind of dad he proves to be, and they can love him for that even if they come to realize that he is not as good a dad as they deserve. You don't want to run him down, you want to let them know that they deserve the best but some people aren't capable of being the best they deserve. Loving an imperfect parent is better than hating him, better for them--as long as they learn not to depend on him. And you, as a single mom, can SHOW them oodles of examples of what it is to be self-sufficient, to be happy despite those who let us down. Focus on that--on demonstrating to them, without anger and bitterness, that one can be very happy even in the face of struggles and disappointment. That does not mean hiding momentary sadness or whatever; it means refusing to dwell on those disappointments and showing them how you move on. You can do this; it will be a great lesson for your kids and one MANY people never get. They will be happier, better people for it. God bless.


----------



## Sunflower Faerie (Jun 6, 2011)

God, you really are all so right! I know I made the right decision for me and my kids and since the day he has moved out, his every action has confirmed this.

I'm still very sad though. I'm sad that what was a great relationship has been shattered and the man I always took him to be has turned into this total idiot! 

I am also glad that he isn't my problem anymore and that is a lot of the problem now. I feel so conflicted between what we had and what we have now! He came round last night to take oldest out to cinema and when I saw him for the first time after the call about his new girlfriend, I honestly was overcome with rage! He has the 2 kids all day today so I have a bit of piece and quiet for a change. 

I think I need to take some time to grieve for the potential we had as a couple. Up until recently, we did have a good marriage. We didn't really argue and there were lots of laughs too. Unfortunately, all the things he wasn't doing just built up and up until I because resentful. I felt that if I was doing everything by myself, then I might as well be by myself! I no longer feel that but it has been replaced by hurt and anger that he has been able to walk away without a backward glance and move on instantly!

I suppose I now need to do the same thing. There really is no going back for me now. I'll deal with it and move on and try and be the best mummy I can be for my 2 amazing babies and the best me I can be for me!

I do appreciate you all replying. Reading all the posts has been helpful and you have all spoken the truth.


----------

