# Recovering and 18 year Anniversary



## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

It has been a while since I've been to TAM. A lot has happened since I was last here. 

Yesterday was our 18 year anniversary and I have to say that I'm surprised that we made it this far. Not because of her being unfaithful again, but because of how I'm still haunted by what she did.

One of the things that has happened was I had a chance to cheat with a much younger and more attractive woman than my wife. Guess I should say I did cheat with this other woman. We was both in our birthday suits and there was a lot of petting and kissing, but I was unable to go all the way. This one event helped me the most with getting over my wifes affair. When I could not go all the way it was a wake up call that I really only wanted to be with my wife. The down side was it made ask myself if I couldn't cause of my love for my wife then how was she able to if she loved me. 

It's almost been 3 years since she cheated and I still have nightmares. They are not every night, but a good 3 to 4 times a week. Other than that things are really going great. I still have some major trust issues, but it's getting better. I have still have a bug on her pc and phone, but I don't check the reports very often. She has been honest, faithful, and loving. Doing everything I've needed to get past her affair.

We have had some ups and downs, but we are making it. Some times when things are going great she will break down and sob while apologizing and begging me to forgive her. Some times a song or movie will hit me hard and I withdraw for a while. 

For all of you who are thinking about R, it can work if you both want it bad enough. I'm not saying the pain will go away, or that everything will be a bed of roses, but it can be done. I wish you all the best.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I trust you have told your wife about that little situation? You know honesty in moving forward and all that?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> I trust you have told your wife about that little situation? You know honesty in moving forward and all that?


She encouraged me to do it, and I feel she was more disappointed that it didn't happen than I was. Short answer yes.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wanabeelee said:


> Some times when things are going great she will break down and sob while apologizing and begging me to forgive her.


If she still does this, unsolicited, after 3 years, I can't think of any better way she could demonstrate remorse. That means she is owning what she did, and is appreciative of another chance.

Otherwise your feelings are typical, even after all this time. Good luck with your R.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Sounds like she was trying to even the score (you cheated and I cheated so we are even). Since you didn't go through with it, you still have some level of moral high ground that she doesn't have (or so it feels like that to her hence the disappointment).


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Congratulations on your 18th anniversary. forgiving her and keeping your marriage together. I think you are in the minority, as from what I have read most husbands don't forgive their cheating wives and the marriage ends. I think the key is to trust again and not continue to bring it up.

I have to ask what is the word for R I see this a lot on this board My guess is relationship


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Congratulations on your 18th anniversary. forgiving her and keeping your marriage together. I think you are in the minority, as from what I have read most husbands don't forgive their cheating wives and the marriage ends. I think the key is to trust again and not continue to bring it up.
> 
> I have to ask what is the word for R I see this a lot on this board My guess is relationship


Thanks for the congrats.
The trust is my last issue. I'm having to learn to trust her again.

R = Reconciling


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wanabeelee said:


> *She encouraged me to do it,* and I feel she was more disappointed that it didn't happen than I was. Short answer yes.


Just when I thought she sounded remorseful. That's more an indication of guilt than remorse; of wanting to adjust the moral high ground imbalance - IMHO. 

All I can tell you is that I'd be disappointed if my WW told me that.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> Sounds like she was trying to even the score (you cheated and I cheated so we are even). Since you didn't go through with it, you still have some level of moral high ground that she doesn't have (or so it feels like that to her hence the disappointment).


It may be some of that Squeakr, but I think its more that it was one of the things I told her I needed. She was scared to death that I would fall for the girl that I attempted the affair with. Not that it has come up may times since the failed attempt but she told me I could always try again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ditto. To me, if my wife asked me to do this, then it would feel like it was all about her. I'd feel she didn't care enough about me/our relationship if she wanted me to even the score. If you care that much, you wouldn't want your spouse being with someone else, even in this situation. The only reason would be to make her feel she wasn't the only bad one in the marriage. And that's selfish, IMHO.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wanabeelee said:


> It may be some of that Squeakr, but I think its more that it was one of the things I told her I needed. She was scared to death that I would fall for the girl that I attempted the affair with. Not that it has come up may times since the failed attempt but she told me I could always try again.


How can she be scared your fall for another yet encourage you to do so? I don't get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

I'll take full responsibility for this one. I insisted that it was something I needed to move on. We was each others one and only until her afair. This all happened almost two years ago while I was still on the fence as to if I could get past her affair.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Thank you for sharing your story. I too have found that reconciliation is possible. In fact, I have found that things can be so much better than I ever thought possible even before the affair. Blessings on all!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I'll take full responsibility for this one. I insisted that it was something I needed to move on. *We was each others one and only until her afair.* This all happened almost two years ago while I was still on the fence as to if I could get past her affair.


Ugh - this makes your situation even more difficult.

You guys shared something pretty rare and special, and she up and wrecked it hard. The tit-for-tat thing makes a little more sense now.

How do you feel? Can you ever realistically get past what she has done?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wanabeelee said:


> I'll take full responsibility for this one. I insisted that it was something I needed to move on. We was each others one and only until her afair. This all happened almost two years ago while I was still on the fence as to if I could get past her affair.


OP,

Don't ever, ever give up the moral high ground that you deserve. It won't make you feel better in the long run; and in her mind, that could be a free pass to rug sweep what she did.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I hate to be the black bean on the rice, but I believe that an honest opinion may be worth if it gives a new insight to the OP in the long run.

I don't think your R is a sucessfull one, and after reading all your threads is understandable why you feel unsetled, have bad days 3-4 days at week, and you are still insecure about your wife 3 yars after the incident, as you realized in previous threads you were *plan B* she came clean because OM told her directly that he used her for sex in a ONS, and even when you began "R" she was still pinning for him, wanting to find answers from him until the phone confrontation when he told her he manipulated her, but other wise, if he had been honestly interested in her she would be living with him right now and you realized it in the first months after DD.

I don't doubt that now regrets her actions and stupidly breaking her vows so easily after some compliments from a player, and that she is performing heavy lifting and showing true remorse, but for you to still have nighmares at least half of the year (or more) after 3 years of R, you have to ask yourself if R is really the best for you in your case, is not unusual that BSs that were plan B end cracking and realizing that they can get over it.

I am telling you this because, I dont want you to end as some poster in other forums that 20 years later are not able to get over the affair, but feel that there is not point in leaving now and they feel condemned to spend their last days unhappy or unnable to leave their FWW to not hurt their family (as user "grany" here on TAM)


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I agree. Having nightmares 3-4 times a week, 3 years after the affair is way beyond someone who is healthily recovering from infidelity. Some part of you is not letting it go, and likely won't, to be perfectly blunt.

I speak from experience as someone who is also 3 years out from DDay. Yes, it still affects me, but I may have a nightmare once a month, max, and most of my life is fairly normal at this point. And my wife, while behaving well and treating me well, is not showing the remorse yours is.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Being encouraged by ones wife to have an affair is not a good sign.

What do you think her motivation was?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> Being encouraged by ones wife to have an affair is not a good sign.
> 
> What do you think her motivation was?


:iagree: That is why a RA can potentially backfire because it sometimes RELIEVES the WS of guilt for their own affair.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Ugh - this makes your situation even more difficult.
> 
> You guys shared something pretty rare and special, and she up and wrecked it hard. The tit-for-tat thing makes a little more sense now.
> 
> How do you feel? Can you ever realistically get past what she has done?


How do I feel is a hard one to answer. It has been almost 3 years now and still things drive me right to the edge of a panic attack. Not very often, but it happens. I still have a way to snoop on her in place even though I dont use it very often. 95% of the time I'm good, but that 5% is pure hell. 

I don't think I will ever get past what she did. Up untill I found out I had never had a panic attack. Since I've had them about the affair, my job, and even my kids can bring them on. I may never be able to get past what she did, but I'm learning to live with it and glad I didn't end it.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

manticore said:


> I hate to be the black bean on the rice, but I believe that an honest opinion may be worth if it gives a new insight to the OP in the long run.
> 
> I don't think your R is a sucessfull one, and after reading all your threads is understandable why you feel unsetled, have bad days 3-4 days at week, and you are still insecure about your wife 3 yars after the incident, as you realized in previous threads you were *plan B* she came clean because OM told her directly that he used her for sex in a ONS, and even when you began "R" she was still pinning for him, wanting to find answers from him until the phone confrontation when he told her he manipulated her, but other wise, if he had been honestly interested in her she would be living with him right now and you realized it in the first months after DD.
> 
> ...





Gabriel said:


> I agree. Having nightmares 3-4 times a week, 3 years after the affair is way beyond someone who is healthily recovering from infidelity. Some part of you is not letting it go, and likely won't, to be perfectly blunt.
> 
> I speak from experience as someone who is also 3 years out from DDay. Yes, it still affects me, but I may have a nightmare once a month, max, and most of my life is fairly normal at this point. And my wife, while behaving well and treating me well, is not showing the remorse yours is.


When I'm awake I may trigger twice a month that people can tell, maybe a few more times that they cant. When I do trigger it's not tears, anger, but a slight shift in mood. My WW is the best at seeing it. Like if a song or movie triggers she is quick to change the station or chan. If you didn't know me you might not ever notice me trigger. 
On the other hand I don't seem to have any control when I'm sleeping. I've always been a very vivid dreamer. I've alway been able to recall at least two or three dreams in the mornings. For the past year or maybe a little bit more not all my nightmares have been affair or her leaving related. Still they are bad enough to wake me, but not something I have problems shaking off and going back to sleep. Just the random affair nightmare sends me out for a 2am run for an hour or so.

I don't think I will ever 100% get over what happened, but I think I'm learning to live with it better every day.

BTW Thank you for all your advice and concern


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

manticore said:


> I hate to be the black bean on the rice, but I believe that an honest opinion may be worth if it gives a new insight to the OP in the long run.
> 
> I don't think your R is a sucessfull one, and after reading all your threads is understandable why you feel unsetled, have bad days 3-4 days at week, and *you are still insecure about your wife 3 yars after the incident, as you realized in previous threads you were plan B she came clean because OM told her directly that he used her for sex in a ONS, and even when you began "R" she was still pinning for him, wanting to find answers from him until the phone confrontation when he told her he manipulated her, but other wise, if he had been honestly interested in her she would be living with him right now and you realized it in the first months after DD.*
> 
> ...


Wannabelee, re-read the snippet in bold red text above.

And then read it again.

And then again and again and again and again and again.

How does this make you feel? Have you confronted your wife w/ this? If so, what was her response?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

2asdf2 said:


> Being encouraged by ones wife to have an affair is not a good sign.
> 
> What do you think her motivation was?


As a few others have pointed out it might have been a way to ease her guilt. I did say it was something I needed. My wording was something along 

"I dont want to look back and hate myself for staying with you and not knowing what it would be like to be with someone who wants me like you wanted him" 

That was said within the first 3 months after DDay. Guess it stuck with her and she was afraid I would leave to find out.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Wannabelee, re-read the snippet in bold red text above.
> 
> And then read it again.
> 
> ...


Damn near a panic attack. I have confronted her many times about that very topic. At first she said how she felt trapped and he always made her feel strong and free. (first 3 months or so) After that she started saying how she had made the worst mistake in her life, and that she's so thankful that I didn't leave. That she didn't see what she had till she destroyed it and almost lost it all. 

Side note: When she cry and apologizes, she almost always says that she broke me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Who was your affair partner? Someone that the both of you knew?

Did you "court" her or did she know the score all along?

And why did your wife feel threatened by her?

And about this...



Wanabeelee said:


> At first she said how she felt trapped and he always made her feel strong and free.


Why did your wife feel trapped? Responsibilities of her job? As a mom? As a wife? How was OM going to free her of any of that?

Also...



Wanabeelee said:


> Side note: When she cry and apologizes, she almost always says that she broke me.


Crying isn't fighting fairly, so to speak, and your wife is likely very aware of this.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Wanabeelee said:


> How do I feel is a hard one to answer. It has been almost 3 years now and still things drive me right to the edge of a panic attack. Not very often, but it happens. I still have a way to snoop on her in place even though I dont use it very often. 95% of the time I'm good, but that 5% is pure hell.
> 
> I don't think I will ever get past what she did. Up untill I found out I had never had a panic attack. Since I've had them about the affair, my job, and even my kids can bring them on. I may never be able to get past what she did, but I'm learning to live with it and glad I didn't end it.


Research the threads, get a good counselor and invest in some therapy. This is no way to live.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> How do I feel is a hard one to answer. It has been almost 3 years now and *still things drive me right to the edge of a panic attack.* Not very often, but it happens. I still have a way to snoop on her in place even though I dont use it very often. 95% of the time I'm good, but that 5% is pure hell.
> 
> I don't think I will ever get past what she did. *Up untill I found out I had never had a panic attack.* Since I've had them about the affair, my job, and even my kids can bring them on. I may never be able to get past what she did, but I'm learning to live with it and glad I didn't end it.





Wanabeelee said:


> On the other hand I don't seem to have any control when I'm sleeping. I've always been a very vivid dreamer. I've alway been able to recall at least two or three dreams in the mornings. For the past year or maybe a little bit more not all my nightmares have been affair or her leaving related. Still they are bad enough to wake me, but not something I have problems shaking off and going back to sleep. Just the random affair nightmare sends me out for a 2am run for an hour or so.
> 
> I don't think I will ever 100% get over what happened, but I think I'm learning to live with it better every day.
> 
> BTW Thank you for all your advice and concern



Panic attacks are bad for the body. You need to address the cause before your physical body breaks and lead you to an early grave.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Read your original post in 2011. Looks like a serial cheater


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Who was your affair partner? Someone that the both of you knew?
> 
> Did you "court" her or did she know the score all along?
> 
> ...


I knew the girl but my wife didn't and had only seen a picture of her. My wife thought she looked much better than her and knew that the girl was interested in me.

She says she felt trapped cause she had been with me since we was 15 and had never been on her own. She didn't have a good enough job to support herself. She felt that she could not make her own choices. That it was too late for her to see what it would be like to be with someone other than me cause we had kids.

She said she was looking for a way out, and thought for sure that cheating on me would set her free.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Read your original post in 2011. Looks like a serial cheater


She has told me that the one time she went wayward I cought her. She dont count kissing the guy while we was dating cause we had broken up for all of two days. Since I'm almost 100% sure she has not cheated. Not to say that I'm not 100% sure that she will not ever do it again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OK so, how would you say the two of you are doing today? Would it appear that she's gotten the "itch" out of her system?

Any counseling for either of you?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> OK so, how would you say the two of you are doing today? Would it appear that she's gotten the "itch" out of her system?
> 
> Any counseling for either of you?


We are doing good. She seems to be over the itch. She dont ask to go out by herself anymore. She removed all the men from her facebook account that were not friends with me and ither family or really close friends.


We both went to counseling, joint and individual for about a year and a half after D-day. It resolved some things, helped with some others and did nothing for a few problems. 

We decided that a lot of the stress in our relationship is over money and the counseling was causing more stress than it was resolving at the end.


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