# Parents hate my wife now



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

During this process of trying to save my marriage I have re-connected with my parents and I've had to be honest with them about what has happened to cope.
Did I make a mistake?
Dad hates my wife now and I worry this will ruin any chance of a good relationship if we do manage to come out the end of this.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Ooooops! Maybe you should have waited awhile before taking this step. I hope this doesn't destroy any chance you have of working things out.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

If he cares about you, then he will respect your choice to R or D. 
Thank him for his support but let him know its your marriage and not his.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I have an amazing relationship with my wife even though my sister hates her. My sister of course is a **** so I never have to see here now. It works great.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

thummper said:


> Ooooops! Maybe you should have waited awhile before taking this step. I hope this doesn't destroy any chance you have of working things out.


I don't see I had any choice. My parents formed so big a part of the reason why I was so emotionally reliant on my wife and it was a re-connection I had to make.

I couldn't make an emotional connection with my parents without being completely honest. That's just the way I am.

To be honest, I value my relationship with my Dad than the one with my wife at the moment so perhaps it was the right thing to do.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

that is the catch 22, you want to be open with people so that you can vent your feelings, but then those people are free to form opinions about them that sometimes become perpetually negative. When I was with my ex boyfriend I would tell everyone about every fight that I had with him. They subsequently did not like him. This really changed how I handled my next relationship, with my now husband. I became really cautious about protecting our relationship. Now, for several years this was very doable as we didn't have any major issues, only small normal fights between couples. I still didn't share about them. Then when we started having major issues I still kept it to myself for a few months hoping that I could fix it on my own. Finally I was about to burst with overwhelming stress, so I confided in my best friend. It felt amazing to get that out. But now I know that her opinion of him will be forever changed. But I am ok with that.

I realize that it is different with family, sometimes even trickier and longer lasting with opinions. They become protective of their son or daughter and can see the spouse of their child as the enemy. I would say that if you and your wife do reconcile that you be just as open about your progress and the good things that may happen as you have been about the bad things. So then your family can see that while she made mistakes, she is also trying to right them. It could change their opinion all over again


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I guess you are right. Thanks.


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## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

Clearly you are close with your parents. You don't have to change that. You need support. Who cares who likes who… betrayal has that effect. She needs to feel the discomfort she created. Maybe it will help her make some rights. Good luck.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

They are still leery and don't want to see you get hurt.

That is one reason I am so thankful for TAM as a sounding board. Family and friends tend to focus on the negative. Time may soften their attitude.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Right now I don't seem to care. That is where the wife has pushed me to. Maybe I will care later on if things work out but right now I am happy with my decisions. Honestly I think it is unlikely it will work out but we will see. I will know in a couple of hours when I get home. I will be able to smell the BS from a mile away.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

poida said:


> During this process of trying to save my marriage I have re-connected with my parents and I've had to be honest with them about what has happened to cope.
> Did I make a mistake?
> Dad hates my wife now and I worry this will ruin any chance of a good relationship if we do manage to come out the end of this.


Yes, you made a mistake. If you're having marital problems, talk to a counselor or a bartender or talk to your dog. Don't talk to your friends, your wife's friends and you certainly don't talk to family (her's or your's). The only thing they need to know is that things are groovy. If you lay out your wife's dirty laundry to your folks, they are going to naturally develop a bad opinion of her. Even after you and your wife reconcile, at Thanksgiving dinner, your folks see the coniving bat that hurt their son, sitting there in front of the turkey in her dirty laundry. If your wife runs you down to her parents (who probably think she could have done better, anyway), the ugly impression they'll have of you is going to hang around a very long time.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

That is a pretty judgemental statement. You don't know anything about me. Everybody's situation is different. I have been heavily involved with a counsellor and part of my personal problems stem from a lack of connection with my parents. Complete honesty with them was part of my journey.
Am I supposed to feel bad that my wife f*cked around and what, I can't speak with the people who are dear to me about it. Get real mate.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Um, do you want to spend the rest of your life with your dad? Respect and love your parents, live your own life. Cut the chord.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

poida said:


> That is a pretty judgemental statement. You don't know anything about me. Everybody's situation is different. I have been heavily involved with a counsellor and part of my personal problems stem from a lack of connection with my parents. Complete honesty with them was part of my journey.
> Am I supposed to feel bad that my wife f*cked around and what, I can't speak with the people who are dear to me about it. Get real mate.


When you ask for opinions, you frequently get them. If you want unquestioned affirmation, you might consider getting a dog.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

poida said:


> That is a pretty judgemental statement. You don't know anything about me. Everybody's situation is different. I have been heavily involved with a counsellor and part of my personal problems stem from a lack of connection with my parents. Complete honesty with them was part of my journey.
> Am I supposed to feel bad that my wife f*cked around and what, I can't speak with the people who are dear to me about it. Get real mate.


I've grappled with this myself. So far, I've chosen NOT to share anything with my parents but to be honest I think its more out of cowardice and shame than any rational reason. 

I don't know your personal situation but I suspect you have an opportunity to improve both your marriage and your relationship with your parents if they see you defend her and demand that she be treated with respect. Ultimately, it'll be uncomfortable but help you gain some legitimate adult respect from your parents and enhance you in the eyes of your wife. Women who cheat often lack respect for their partners when they reconcile which can further strain the relationship.

But ultimately, if you take a stand with your parents, do it for you. The most important opinion of you is the one you form when you look in the mirror every morning. 

If I were headed down this path (and I may in the future), I'd make treating my wife with respect a condition of my parents involvement in my life and my kids lives. To me, that'd be manly.

Just my two cents (spoken from the silent sidelines.)


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

poida said:


> During this process of trying to save my marriage I have re-connected with my parents and I've had to be honest with them about what has happened to cope.
> Did I make a mistake?
> Dad hates my wife now and I worry this will ruin any chance of a good relationship if we do manage to come out the end of this.


When Mrs Wysh and I went through our 'problems' years ago I think it is fair to say that my mother pretty much hated Mrs Wysh. Even before I think she wasn't that keen on her, saw her as money grabbing and wanting me as a beta provider type.

However, now, she thinks the world of her, hugs, kisses the whole shooting match.

The difference? She saw her treating me right, treating me not exactly like a King but as the most important thing in her life.

Basically most parents want to see their child happy and successful in life. At the moment, understandably, you are far from happy.

If you can turn this around and they see you happy and striding through life with a (now) good woman at your side I reckon they are likely to be happy too.

However this requires a lot of work from you and your wife to get to this point, has she got it in her and are you up for it? 

Things are going to be rocky with your parents, probably both sets of parents. For a while, when we visited my parents Mrs Wysh wouldn't get out of the car. Now she's the first one in the house to greet my mum and dad.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> When you ask for opinions, you frequently get them. If you want unquestioned affirmation, you might consider getting a dog.


To the OP, you will get all kinds of so called advice on the forum. You just need to go with "what you feel is right". I do not see one problem with him going to his parents, he needs to do what is best for him. His wife helped to create the mess, if they actually have a solid R, both his parents and wife will fall into place.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

poida said:


> I don't see I had any choice. My parents formed so big a part of the reason why I was so emotionally reliant on my wife and it was a re-connection I had to make.
> 
> I couldn't make an emotional connection with my parents without being completely honest. That's just the way I am.
> 
> *To be honest, I value my relationship with my Dad than the one with my wife at the moment so perhaps it was the right thing to do.*




Then why bother to try to R?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The deal about marriage is intimacy. That means secrets and sins stay in the circle as much as possible. If two people become one flesh, then one can't gripe about the other without making themselves look bad as well. Take the advise or ignore it, but if you want to keep a marriage going, be very careful about who you spill marriage business to. Marriage requires respect, trust, and communication. Ratting out a spouse's mistakes to friends or family kills all three. If you need marriage counseling, go to a trained professional. You wouldn't let your parents perform brain surgery on you. Doesn't matter what your parents think about her. She's your wife and it's your life. You're the only one living in your skin. Your parents won't have to live with your wife or bear the consequences of ditching her. This is couple business, not family business.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

this is one of the reasons I cringe when one of the first pieces of advice a recently betrayed spouse hears around here is to tell everyone...family, friends, boss', coworkers...about the betrayal. In time, BS may be willing to forgive, others are often not because they haven't shared the deep relationship the betrayed had with the wayward.

I'm sorry you have this complication to deal with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes, you made a big mistake, and you did have a choice. I was as close to my dad as anyone I know and I didn't speak a word about my marital problems (including lots of emotional abuse) until I decided to divorce. Look, your parents are already biased toward you, so when you run to them with your marital problems they're not going to be able to take an unbiased view of what's going on like an impartial counselor. If you do decide to talk to them you have to make sure you give them a balanced view of the marriage. I bet you didn't tell them all of the things you did to contribute to the state of the marriage, so what they now think is their perfect, precious baby boy is totally innocent and the mean, nasty b!tch did him wrong. If R	is your goal you didn't help yourself, and I would hope you insist your parents treat her with respect as long as you're with her. If you don't care then don't bother reconciling, just divorce her (which you'd be well within your rights to do) and you can sh!t talk her to your parents all you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

poida said:


> During this process of trying to save my marriage I have re-connected with my parents and I've had to be honest with them about what has happened to cope.
> Did I make a mistake?
> *Dad hates my wife now and I worry this will ruin any chance of a good relationship if we do manage to come out the end of this.*





poida said:


> I don't see I had any choice. My parents formed so big a part of the reason why I was so emotionally reliant on my wife and it was a re-connection I had to make.
> 
> I couldn't make an emotional connection with my parents without being completely honest. That's just the way I am.
> 
> To be honest, *I value my relationship with my Dad than the one with my wife at the moment* so perhaps it was the right thing to do.





poida said:


> *Right now I don't seem to care. That is where the wife has pushed me to.* Maybe I will care later on if things work out but right now I am happy with my decisions. *Honestly I think it is unlikely it will work out but we will see.* I will know in a couple of hours when I get home. I will be able to smell the BS from a mile away.


Dear poida,

I've read your other thread and this one (BTW, it would be better if you stuck to one thread) and my impression is that you are oscillating like a weathervane -- your goals, plans and even mood seem to change as new developments occur. This is not good.

My advice would be to calm down, do what you believe is the right thing by your WW, your parents and, most importantly, yourself, and then stop second guessing yourself. Decide what you want in your life (your goal), figure out the best way to get that (your plan) and then keep your focus on these (your mood). Unless your goals change or your plan proves unworkable, stick with what you've decided. You'll never get to where you want to be if you keep changing your goal or plan, or if you don't maintain your focus.

One question that you might want to ask yourself is, what is more important to you, saving your marriage or maintaining a close relationship with your family. Given what has happened, I would not be surprised if the answer were the latter, but that is for you to decide. The answer to this question should help you negotiate the shoals in which you find yourself in your various relationships.

Whatever happens, try to bear in mind that there are no obvious "right" answers to problems such as yours. Therefore, the best you can do is to be honest, fair and charitable in all of your relationships while looking out for what you believe to be your best interest (i.e., being true to yourself).


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

When your spouse is cheating, and in the fog, remember that affairs like the dark. 

Shine the light on the affair, get your spouse out of the fog. Tell the APs spouse. Help the affair taste the real world. 

If you are going straight to D, you do not have to try to stop the affair. But when I thought about my kids and the former wonderful Mr perfect with the prison record, I did not want him around any of my family. 

But from some of the advice you are getting, I should encourage my wife to continue the affair. Continue to be selfish, see if you can bring home stds. 

My friend's wife had an affair. He has finally died because she gave him AIDS. So now his kids end up with an a step dad that goes to jail because he molested them. The kids are now under control of the state. 

Is this the best choice for the kids, so do not expose the affair?

I think the best advice is DO NOT CHEAT! Divorce before you have the affair. And make sure Mr perfect will not molest your kids. Mr. Perfect has wonderful morals.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

poida said:


> During this process of trying to save my marriage I have re-connected with my parents and I've had to be honest with them about what has happened to cope.
> Did I make a mistake?
> Dad hates my wife now and I worry this will ruin any chance of a good relationship if we do manage to come out the end of this.


He feels the way he does because he cares and loves you. Yes of course its your marriage, but you cant blame him for the way he feels.

If he has his reasons he has his reasons, I know my dad did with my ex, and he was RIGHT..... I wish i had listened to him now.

Does he have good reasons to feel the way he does??.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

Poida, I think you did the right thing. You didnt make a mistake by getting support from your family.

This advice about keeping the 'secrets' within a circle is BS....

Your wife involved a third party into your marriage without you knowing....so...so much for keeping it within the circle.
I bet if you dug around more, she told other people as well...her friends, etc.


Its not like you were telling your parents about a fight you had with her...or how you argue about raising children, money....etc, etc. That is different than a spouse cheating.

Cheating is more than just a mistake....


Ok, but if we are giving points for blame or mistakes....

Lets start with your wife:
Your wife cheats on you, behind your back, with an ex. 
She has sex with this ex. Over the course of some time, so its not a one time thing.
She had to have told him intimate details about your personal life with her. 
She lies about what is going on the whole time until confronted. 
When confronted, she doesnt know how she feels about it.
She involved a third party in a most heinous way.

Now you:
You, on the other hand, you tell your parents about what you found out about what she was doing......ok
Now they don't like her....ok
I bet the OM doesn't like you as well. Obviously your wife didnt, or she wouldnt have had sex with him.

Ok..... I don't care how much blame you or anyone else wants to give to yourself for telling your parents....BUT what your wife did blows that all out of the water.
You can think of it a different way, if she hadnt done what she did, then they wouldnt have been told anything.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Parents don't like anyone hurting their child -- no matter how old their child is. So if you are divorcing and want to tell them why then that's one thing. But if you hope to reconcile then don't. Because it's difficult for parents to forgive someone who hurt their child.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

A lot of conflicting opinions in this thread. Interesting.
I don't regret telling my parents. I need the support.
Cheating can cause this type of thing so I don't blame myself.
I think dad is looking out for my needs. 
If my wife can pass the test with my parents again in the future then I think that is a good and genuine step forward.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> The deal about marriage is intimacy. That means secrets and sins stay in the circle as much as possible. If two people become one flesh, then one can't gripe about the other without making themselves look bad as well. Take the advise or ignore it, *but if you want to keep a marriage going, be very careful about who you spill marriage business to. Marriage requires respect, trust, and communication. Ratting out a spouse's mistakes to friends or family kills all three. * If you need marriage counseling, go to a trained professional. You wouldn't let your parents perform brain surgery on you. Doesn't matter what your parents think about her. She's your wife and it's your life. You're the only one living in your skin. Your parents won't have to live with your wife or bear the consequences of ditching her. This is couple business, not family business.


I tend to agree with this but rarely is exposure a surgically clean event. My grown daughter knew of my wife's cheating before me. She told my son... who called my brother. So much for dealing with in secret. 

In retrospect... I think the only way I would of not exposed my wife to my family... If she would of come to me first, told the whole truth, asked me for mercy and shown remorse. 

But... most BS get, panties around the ankles, denial after denial, TT and lies, and blame shifting. Exposure is the only card left in the deck.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Yeah, until now, 3 months of no regret, no action, no plans to resolve. That's a long time without family support.
I kept it to myself for 2 months which I think is adequate.
I wish it had been the scenario you describe.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

poida said:


> Yeah, until now, 3 months of no regret, no action, no plans to resolve. That's a long time without family support.
> I kept it to myself for 2 months which I think is adequate.
> I wish it had been the scenario you describe.


Just one question: What do you really want in terms of your marriage now?


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

poida said:


> I don't see I had any choice. My parents formed so big a part of the reason why I was so emotionally reliant on my wife and it was a re-connection I had to make.
> 
> I couldn't make an emotional connection with my parents without being completely honest. That's just the way I am.
> 
> To be honest, I value my relationship with my Dad than the one with my wife at the moment so perhaps it was the right thing to do.


Good for you. Unless they are abusive, no good comes from your being isolated from your family.

Parents are hardwired to viscerally hate things that actively harm their children. I think his response is the correct one.

If you two R, then, well, your wife is a big girl. She did the crime, she can handle the consequences.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Friends that you can't share personal stuff with aren't friends, they're acquaintances.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

I agree with this statement from RWB:

"... I think the only way I would of not exposed my wife to my family... If she would of come to me first, told the whole truth, asked me for mercy and shown remorse.
But... most BS get... denial after denial,... lies, and blame shifting. Exposure is the only card left in the deck. "

This is right on target. Excellent post.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

poida said:


> During this process of trying to save my marriage I have re-connected with my parents and I've had to be honest with them about what has happened to cope.
> Did I make a mistake?
> Dad hates my wife now and I worry this will ruin any chance of a good relationship if we do manage to come out the end of this.


I believe you have, not from experience but from watching others make this very same mistake. Not too many people in my family are married, just my little cousin and l. She got married before I did about a year or so maybe less. Her husband is very unfaithful to her and justifies it by bring up her unfaithfulness before they got married. Outside of his unfaithfulness there are multiple other things he does as well. They fight regularly, every time this would happen she would call home to her mom and tell her everything that is going on, her mother not being able to hold water tell others in the family and word gets out. In the end she would forgive him, they would make up and things was fine between them. The end result everyone else is still made at him and haven't gotten over it so easily. To be honest I am not too fond of him myself. Watching her do this I have learned not to do what she does. I keep my family out of it, no one in my family is aware of the things my husband and I are going through right now. My mom and sister know we are having problems, my sister use to live with me and my mom visited while we was having some problems so this is the only way they found out but it wasn't from me running to them to tell it all. They are aware of him wanting to leave but don't know any details. 

My mother wants me to open up to her about our issues but I keep telling her my reasoning for not wanting to. I keep my position of not involving my family. Because when my spouse and I make it through this I don't want my family to be hating him when I still love him. The best you can do is to keep them out of it, find other was to vent from now on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

poida said:


> A lot of conflicting opinions in this thread. Interesting.
> I don't regret telling my parents. I need the support.
> Cheating can cause this type of thing so I don't blame myself.
> I think dad is looking out for my needs.
> If my wife can pass the test with my parents again in the future then I think that is a good and genuine step forward.


So is the goal for your wife to pass your parents test or to pass your test? She's married to you, not your parents. If it's to pass your parents test you might need to grow up, you have to live with her thus the opinion that matters is yours. Besides, you're the one that knows the whole person and thus are the only one that can make a good judgment about her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She hasn't anyone to blame but herself. She cheated on you and part of the consequences of getting caught is facing the music.

She had no problem dragging you into a mess that she created and I have no doubt that if you were the one that cheated on her, she would have gone to her family for support and you would now be the rat in the wood pile.

All in all, she should have thought about that before she stepped out of the marriage and now comes the aftermath of her decision. If she had the guts to cheat, then she better muster up the guts and take her well deserved lumps.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

Ok I have to admit, that the fact that your parents know about your wife's affair may make your wife feel uneasy about her being around them or fully reconciling with you. 

Yeah, I would imagine that she might feel uncomfortable knowing that they know.

And from reading some of the advice on here, its almost as if you should carry some of the blame for your wife feeling uncomfortable.
That your chance of reconciling is now somewhat limited...or may never happen.

BUT when you step back & look at it....is absurd BS.

This is part of the consequences of cheating. 
Some are comparing this to as if you guys had an argument.

Yes, I dont think you should get outsiders involved in your personal life for such things as arguments, child rearing, money, etc.

BUT WTF....your wife fell on another man's penis.....
This isnt even in the same level of intimacy btwn the two of you in the case of marital secrets.
She already involved a third party....who the F cares now if other people know.

What if she had a cocaine problem....what if she abused your children...what if she stole money from her workplace....
Do you tell anyone about these sorts of things? I don't know.
But infidelity is about as high on the list you can go.

SO ignore the advice about you somehow taking the blame or should feel guilty. You shouldn't at all.

She can either put on her big girl pants & come clean about everything....and truly reconcile not only with you but everyone else...her family as well.

OR 

She can be bothered by the fact that a few people know what she did & leave you. I don't know what the fuss is, she was going to leave anyway. 

If she feels embarassed to the point that she can't take ownership of what she did, then it says a lot about her. Its the cowards way out.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I'm assuming your wife cheated on you? My parents were civil and tried with my stbxw during our false R - in fact they were kind to her, because they were supporting whatever I wanted to do.

However - I remember the first time we went over to their house as a family after dday. I remember looking at my dad (step-dad actually, but this whole thing has brought us so close that I call him dad now) and he was looking at the 2 of us with a look I had _never_ seen on his face before. It was one of great concern, unease, and anger - even though he was being really nice to her. I remember asking him about it after I decided to end R and proceed with D. He said it was brutally difficult for him to sit there and welcome her into his home after what she did to me and my kids. He was choking back his hatred to support me.

When I finally told them I was divorcing her, they were thrilled. It was killing them to see me with this woman.

Your dad is being protective of you. It's totally natural. I can't imagine the torment I would feel as a father if one of my kids took back a spouse that had cheated on them. It would be almost as huge an internal struggle as I went through trying to R with my WW.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I exposed my wife's A pretty far, family, friends, etc. It did kill the A in the end.

Did not expose her EA in 2010 - mistake. Did in 2011 and 2013. My father passed in 2012. I did not share with him as he was in poor health in 2011, but I did share it with my mother, brothers, and sister and her family and friends.

I do believe every situation is different as to family dynamics. Ironically, my family is very forgiving and basically followed my lead when I decided to forgive her. Her family is taking longer to reach out to her. It is happening slowly.

Sounds like you did the correct thing and it is great that you were able to reconnect. Hopefully if you R things will smooth out. If you end up divorced you have gained your parents and who cares about your WS?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I shared nothing about my wife's affair with my parents. However, if another poster on TAM feels that they need to share the burden of their spouse's cheating with their parents, then I will support them in their chosen course of action.

See, folks, if people want their in-laws to at least tolerate them, then do not f**k around on their son/daughter. Is that rocket science?:scratchhead: No. I don't think it is!:smthumbup:


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

yes, i exposed to all family both sides and others.
It helped me.
It helped kill the affair.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

poida said:


> During this process of trying to save my marriage I have re-connected with my parents and I've had to be honest with them about what has happened to cope.
> Did I make a mistake?
> Dad hates my wife now and I worry this will ruin any chance of a good relationship if we do manage to come out the end of this.


Well since the chances of me staying with a cheater are nil, I can only tell you what I might do if I did. I can only imagine if my wife cheated on me and I wanted to keep the marriage that I wouldn't want anyone knowing. For the pure emasculation and embarrassment of it all for one thing.

I can tell you if one of my sons comes to me someday and tells me his wife rode another man, she wouldn't be welcome in my house any longer. But I'd just suck it up and be cordial, although there would be no pleasantries exchanged. I'd speak to her when spoken to for the sake of my son and that's it.

So did you make a mistake? Possibly. But don't be hard on your parents. They are understandably angry at your wife. So maybe you might want to sit them down and make them understand that if you are to move on with this marriage, then you don't expect them to ever like her again, but at least be civil.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

tainted said:


> If he cares about you, then he will respect your choice to R or D.
> Thank him for his support but let him know its your marriage and not his.


The parents can respect his choice. But they don't have to respect her because she hasn't earned it.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

brokeneric said:


> Just one question: What do you really want in terms of your marriage now?


I want a full reconciliation on the condition that she learns to deal with issues as they come up, not to bury them, and not to shut me down in arguments, to listen to me and to realise that what I say is important. I know that the relationship will work if that can happen. It is a big ask to expect someone to change life long habits and is why I expect this to be a long run, and why I need family support.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

MrHappyHat said:


> Good for you. Unless they are abusive, no good comes from your being isolated from your family.
> 
> Parents are hardwired to viscerally hate things that actively harm their children. I think his response is the correct one.
> 
> If you two R, then, well, your wife is a big girl. She did the crime, she can handle the consequences.


THANKS. That's exactly how I feel.


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

i talked about my CW to my 2 sisters and brother. They didnt say "oh i hate her so bad", they said they were sorry and felt sad for me and the kids. I didnt tell my mom the whole thing, but did tell here were having issues. 

My family is very understanding, but they have my back. when you dont have many friends to talk to, it's hard. talking to someone helps you move on. if your parents hate her, then let it be. as long as you dont live with them and the wife in the same house it should be fine.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Yes, you made a mistake. If you're having marital problems, talk to a counselor or a bartender or talk to your dog. Don't talk to your friends, your wife's friends and you certainly don't talk to family (her's or your's). The only thing they need to know is that things are groovy. If you lay out your wife's dirty laundry to your folks, they are going to naturally develop a bad opinion of her. Even after you and your wife reconcile, at Thanksgiving dinner, your folks see the coniving bat that hurt their son, sitting there in front of the turkey in her dirty laundry. If your wife runs you down to her parents (who probably think she could have done better, anyway), the ugly impression they'll have of you is going to hang around a very long time.



This is exactly why I don't agree with outing the ww's.

-sammy


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

There have been a few BS's that have been treated negatively by family and friends as well. 

My mother never liked my husband and would often make things uncomfortable. When I told her I was going to divorce, she told me to stay married. ??

There was a thread here where the BS's whole family went against him. I think your family and friends should be supportive but it's hard to like anyone who has hurt the one you love. 

It's a personal decision but I personally don't like to keep secrets. It can also block healing when you are suffering alone and everyone believes your spouse is a great guy/woman. When I hear So and So is such a great person.......I never can take it seriously. 

Just chiming in....


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I would think being cheated on would be one of those difficult times that a person would need some emotional support from friends or family. they certainly can't count on it from their spouse, under those circumstances. sharing some information with someone close to you and asking them to treat with discretion makes sense to me.

also remember that whatever friends or family think of your WS, it is likely a more objective view than the one you have (the BS). it could be eye opening in fact.......


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I would think being cheated on would be one of those difficult times that a person would need some emotional support from friends or family. they certainly can't count on it from their spouse, under those circumstances. sharing some information with someone close to you and asking them to treat with discretion makes sense to me.
> 
> also remember that whatever friends or family think of your WS, it is likely a more objective view than the one you have (the BS). it could be eye opening in fact.......


For several reasons I never told anyone, not even my family, that my wife was having an affair. It... I... felt so damn lonely.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

From what you have written it seems pretty obvious that it is your parents who the ones who truly love you and not your wife. From what you have written it is your wife that is at the very least emotionally abusing and discounting you. Her actions shows she has no respect for you. Please remember these words:

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I told my mom about my WS's affair and while she doesn't 'hate' him, it has certainly changed her opinion of him and while it's obvious to me, it's less obvious to my WS because she doesn't make a huge thing of it. WS is "lucky" for more reasons than one he had his affair after my dad passed away a few years ago. Although my uncles would have happily taken my dad's place in dealing with that matter.

WS also confessed to his own parents and interestingly enough, they were really hard on him about it, particularly my FIL. I was also surprised by my MIL's reaction since I'm generally not her favorite person and vice versa. That said, I don't forget blood's thicker than water and mindful to not put a lot of stock in that with them.

The thing with telling family is they never forget and even with the best of intentions, they may tell other relatives you had no intention of sharing with. That happened to me and is how my uncles, my dad's brothers, found out. Holidays have been awkward since then . One of my uncles works for the same employer we do and pretty much avoids my WS when they see each other, maybe 1-2 times per week. 

I wish things were different but WS invited this into our lives and no one can control the reactions of others. That said, I married and decided to reconcile with my WS post affair - not married to my uncles or whoever else - so at some point you have to quit concerning yourself with it. 

Seriously, and totally unrelated to any affair..... I don't care much for my SIL and especially not my MIL, and them me, but at the end of the day... who really cares?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

poida said:


> During this process of trying to save my marriage I have re-connected with my parents and I've had to be honest with them about what has happened to cope.
> 
> Did I make a mistake?
> 
> Dad hates my wife now and I worry this will ruin any chance of a good relationship if we do manage to come out the end of this.



Sorry to say that this is a consequence of her actions. There are consequences to this kind of behavior and ruined relationships is one of them. If you decide to stay and your marriage does come through this, you'll just have to work through this additional damage she caused.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> This is exactly why I don't agree with outing the ww's.
> 
> -sammy


Then you are a believer in rug sweeping and false R. Its by keeping things secret that allow things to continue and get worse. If WW or WH 's don't face the FULL consequences for what they did, then true R is never possible.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

'Blood is thicker than Water' is a basic truism we see confirmed all the time here on the TAM boards.

It is so often true it almost seems a universal...ALMOST.

I'm amazed after reading here about how my dad's family reacted when his mom ran off with a POS when she had three young sons (my dad was 2 and his brothers were 3 and 1).

Her parents and brothers never spoke a word to her ever again for as long as any of them lived...I mean complete and total silence and refusing to ever see her/be in her presence.

It is VERY rare, but sometimes 'blood is NOT thicker'...morals matter more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I didn't expose thirty years ago when I reconciled because I was and am a very private person in real life and I don't generally give people who know me details about my life. I exposed when I decided to divorce because otherwise no one understood why I was ending a forty-five year marriage and I decided for once to explain. My feeling is that if you think you might reconcile then don't expose. The fallout can last a long time with parents and siblings and friends. If it doesn't bother you that's one thing. But it does bother many and you can't take exposure back once it's out there.


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