# Need to talk to People who had a EA



## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

It has been almost 2mths since I found out my husband had a EA. Last night we got into another fight over the EA and he admited that a EA is a form of cheating and that it was a mistake that he would never do again. That people learn from their mistakes. And that for the most part he thnks that our marriage is the best that it has ever been but wants me to drop the fussing about the EA. It's hard I have so much hate for what he did and for the person he was involved with. I keep thinking is he lying again to me about wanting our marraige to work and this will never happen again. Before he was talking to her before coming home then kissing me telling me he loved me all the time he was cheating on me how do you get over a EA. I love him but I have moments were I just want to cry and leave the marriage and find someone that want cheat on me. He always knew I had a problem with men that cheat. How do you move on and trust the other person again? How do you now that it want happen again? any help


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My marriage survived my wife's EA but it was difficult and is still an ongoing process. I understand the hurt and mistrust you are feeling now. 

First off, how long did it go on?
Was there ever physical contact?
Is he an open book for you now?


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

They have known each other for 4yrs but EA went on for 2mths. Both have said no physical contact. And for the most part he is open but is tried of talking about it. He did admit that he promised her that he was going to divorce me to start a relationship with her. But now he says that he loves me and wants to work on our marriage that he doesn't know what he was thinking about and admit that a EA is a form of cheating. I love but how do I know that he is not lying to me again.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He needs to provide you with all of his passwords as well as let you look at the phone and, the phone records.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

mrsbroken said:


> Both have said no physical contact.


Clarification please. So they have never met or simply state the relationship never went intimate? Is the woman local or is this long distance? What was their relationship before EA. Co-workers, social friend...?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

You have to decide for yourself.

If you truly don't think you can ever put this behind you, then you need to get out and get out now. There is no reason to drag along a marriage if you will never be able to "get over" it. If you try to stay but can't forgive/forget then your marriage will be worse off than it was during the EA.

Am I trying to tell you it should be easy? Of course not, but only you know yourself well enough to know if you will ever get over this or not. If the answer is "no, I won't get over it" then you need to just get a divorce now.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

she is a friend of a friend and have met at social gatherings. I have only met her twice. And both said it wasn't intimate with each other just phone calls(10-15 a day), e-mails and see each other once a week at sporting event that I normal do not attend. I have know about her saying hi everyonce in awhile when they ran into each other at the sporting event for years and never thought anything about her likeing my hubby more than a friend and when I found out about the EA both said thry were just good friends.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I know for sure that if my wife were calling and emailing that frequently with some guy that I would define it as an affair and presume they were screwing.

And deal with it accordingly as cheating.

i'm a straight guy, and if I were communicating with one of my male friends that often they would start to wonder about me. Men do not do that with their friends. So if he is doing that with a woman, your radar should be pinging like mad!

The only reason he is communicating that often with her is because of a romantic attachment.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Well the positive thing is he has admitted it was (is) an EA. It took my wife months to realize that. First thing is he must commit to no contact. Never. What ever the sporting event is, he (or she) needs to discontinue going to it. If his feelings are strong for her he needs to end all contact with her or he will never really reconnect with you. As dobo stated he needs to be transparent and provide with his records. This is not a permanent situation, just one that needs to exist until you become more comfortable with him. Since the two are local no contact my be difficult but it must be maintained. 

I strongly suggest the two of you get to counseling to redefine the marriage. When an affair happens it is most likely the result of the spouse not getting something they need at home. Attention, love, respect, intimacy.... You and he both need to figure out what that is. He also need to understand your needs and wants. This can be a real opportunity to really analyze your marriage and make it better than ever. When I started this journey over two years ago I wasn't sure we would make it but with time, effort and counseling we have greatly improved the marriage and TOM is completely out of the picture.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

oh he admitted that he had promised the ow that he was going to leave me for her. But now he says that he made a big mistake and wants us to work on our marriage. That he never loved her just that we were fussing alot and he didn't know what to do and she was there to listen that he was crazy in the head and promises never to do anything like that again that he is human and makes mistakes that he has learned from them and that now our marriage is back on track and we were getting along the best we ever have. Am just hurt and mad


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

My wife and I also got through it, and she wanted to put it behind us befor I was ready to let it go. I had to say what I was feeling to her so I could let it go, and eventually we did have an official "last talk" about it. Being able to talk to her about that subject improved our communication in all areas, if we could talk through the betrayal of our vows everything else seemed like small potatos. This also made it possible for me to build new trust in her and our relationship because we were much more focused on not drifting apart from each other again and keeping the other informed about how we were feeling. 

I believe there is no "regaining" trust or "rebuilding" the relationship, you both have to be ready to start from scratch again with each other. One relationship was broken by infidelity, and another must be built up again knowing more than you did the first time about each other and wanting more than the first time for it to work out right. Just after I found out my wife wanted everything to just go back to the way it was before, but I could not. I had to decide to love her all over again, this time really knowing what she was capable of, and I was able to do that.

Now almost a year has past and another of her old boyfriends has got back in touch with her, but this time we were both aware that he may pose a problem so we put our new rules into effect. The invitation for her to go meet up with him and her old friends at the bar was rejected. Thier first meeting was at a party at our house where he could see her as a happy wife and mother, not a single woman at a bar. He seemed totally respectable and interested in being my friend, but a couple days later started up as "I still love you" text conversation with my wife and she immediately told me about it. We had both been suspicious of his motives for getting back in touch after so long, so when he came out like that about his feelings it was a lesson for both me and her about how guys act and how we can keep our relationship safe from falling into a bad situation again. If a man sends a woman more than 3 texts or spends more than 45 min talkin to her he wants to be more than just friends. This was proven true this time.

I dont think any man wastes time on chatting with weman he doesn't want to sleep with. We both just think he is pitiful and she doesn't talk to him or go places she knows he will be. We are both on the look out for people who could be a problem for us and communicate about what we suspect, what we know, and how we are going to handle it. I believe our relationship has become affair proof now and we are both enjoying life together. I hope this gives you some hope for your own future. 

It can be done.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Well the positive thing is he has admitted it was (is) an EA. It took my wife months to realize that. First thing is he must commit to no contact. Never. What ever the sporting event is, he (or she) needs to discontinue going to it. If his feelings are strong for her he needs to end all contact with her or he will never really reconnect with you. As dobo stated he needs to be transparent and provide with his records. This is not a permanent situation, just one that needs to exist until you become more comfortable with him. Since the two are local no contact my be difficult but it must be maintained.
> 
> I strongly suggest the two of you get to counseling to redefine the marriage. When an affair happens it is most likely the result of the spouse not getting something they need at home. Attention, love, respect, intimacy.... You and he both need to figure out what that is. He also need to understand your needs and wants. This can be a real opportunity to really analyze your marriage and make it better than ever. When I started this journey over two years ago I wasn't sure we would make it but with time, effort and counseling we have greatly improved the marriage and TOM is completely out of the picture.


:iagree:

I have been through this also and I'm glad you are getting along well now. It helped me to look at 'how we were' before it happened because the way we are now (much closer, stronger marriage) it is difficult to imagine him wanting attention from another woman...It does hurt for quite some time. It sounds as though he now understands his friendship crossed the line with her. It may help you to discuss the boundaries of a friend vs. an EA...if you are talking about issues within the marriage, saying things you would not say if I were sitting right next to you, etc....I ordered a book called 'Not Just Friends'...have not received it yet, but it seems to cover EA's...will let you know what I think once I've read it.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks everyone for sharing your life with me. My hubby has given me all his passwords for his email accounts, facebook and his phone. He doesn't like me to have it because he thinks am trying to control him I just explained right now am trying to rebuild trust with you and this is a start. I also told him that I didn't lkie him IM single females on facebook even his best friends girlfriend that am not comfortable with that right now and he has agreed no more IM. i know he is trying and he is tried of me fussing about it but to me it's still fresh in my mind. Some days are great and I don't think about it at all but then it hits me that my hubby cheated on me and then the teears come then i get mad. He will come in and he will ask me what is wrong then when I tell him that it's about the ow then he gets mad at me and asks why I can't just drop it that it was a big mistake he made and he is sorry and wants to move on or if I can't drop it that he will leave. He did leave once before for one night that broke my heart I felt like I couldn't breathe and he knows this and sometimes I think he uses that to get me to shut up about the ow. He got mad when I emailed her because she called his best friend saying that I was bothering her and she did nothing to me. She has threaten to go to the cops because of the emails so I have backed off but now I feel that I don't have a place to vent. I can't tell my best friend what is going on because she is my sister-in-law and I don't want my family to find out or they would never forgive him for hurting me. I just want the hurt to go away.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You can vent here. I believe your husband is acting this way because he is lacking empathy with how deeply this hurt you. there was a thread a while back debating the impact of EAs and PA on the sexes. As I recall most men would be more hurt if their wives were involved in a PA while women were more impacted by an EA by their husband. I believe there is some truth to that and suspect that your husband thinks that because it didn't go physical it's not that big of a deal and you should move past it. While you need closure, he just wants to move past it. Your paths are different at this time. Try to reason with him that you are going through a process and need time to get through it. You want things to get better but need his support and understanding. As time goes on the pain will ease and it will no longer be a preoccupation. You can focus more on the two of you and your marriage.

And finally don't contact TOW any more. While your husband has ended it it is likely he still has feelings for her and he will resent your attacks on her. You need to let her go just as he does.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

I have stop writing to the ow even though it's hard not to get mad then write her a email telling her that she is a hoe and a homwreaker. Hubby has answered my questions but I still just get mad at him even now that he has answered my questions and I don't have any more in my head. At this time I just want to hurt him like he hurt me.Sometimes I think it would be easier to leave him and start over then work this out. Am really not sure what I want anymore. He left before I found out about his EA says it was because of the fussing that was for one night then he came back saying he loved me and wanted to work things out then a week later is when I found out about the EA He says he didn't tell me about the EA because he knew I would flip and start more fussing. I just not sure why he really came back.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm glad you stopped writing OW...it will do more damage than good. In fact, it will probably just encourage her to contact your H again and that's the last thing you need.

One thing that helped me was to journal how I was feeling. It can help to get it out of your system without involving anyone else.

I understand the hurt and anger, but wanting to get revenge is concerning. That mindset will not allow you to move forward. Have you taken a good look at the 'fussing' he complained about and tried to work on that? If you work on some positive things to bring you closer together you may start to feel better about him and your marriage. 

If he is creating a distance between you, not sharing things with you for fear that it will upset you, it may set him up to share these things with others...and in this case a woman that became attractive to him because she was the shoulder to lean on...wrong on his part, but it will take work from both of you to get close, rebuild.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

we have talked about the fussing and it was because I stoped supporting him and going with him to these sporting events( I can't ask him to stop he,his brother and mine have been doing this since they were 12 and love it) He broke a couple of promises that he would give up a sat here and there so we could do something else but when it came time he would whine and go to the sporting event so I stop going. Now I think he sees that I wasn't trying to stop him from his hobby I just wanted a little compermise(?) This last month has been great both have put in out thoughts what to do on the weekends and picked 1/2 his and mine and we have been getting along better. I just can't stop thinking about the ow how do u do that.


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## crazy&conflicted (Oct 1, 2009)

Great advice Amplexor- definately, he should be showing his phone bill. Cease all contact including the sporting event. Don't trust him, he probably doesn't trust himself. Seriously, its like some addiction, I think people here keep punishing cheaters for their lack of empathy but it is difficult, people are fundamentally & essentially selfish. Any social psychology course will teach you that! It's not to say that we want to be selfish, and that we shouldn't continue to strive to be as selfless and loving as absolutely possible.. But it is a constant challenge, that I think he will need help with. I don't think this is a reflection on his love for you, I think it is something that has become out of control. Don't make things crappy between you both by constantly fighting about it, it will just create a yucky tension between you, just attempt to make things as intimate as possible- psychological intimacy being the ultimate goal.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I have been through this too and I have to say it is important for him to be an open book. He needs to understand that he has lost all privelages until he has regained the privilege to be trusted again. Trust is a privilege, NOT A RIGHT! If he demands trust, then bring out the divorce papers. Theres no room in my life for low life humans like that. I don't know about your priorities, but after my divorce...it's been about my own respect and my own life that is above idiots like that. 

All phone and bank records need to be made available, especially from the time during the affair. This helps in seeing if he told the whole truth. He needs to carry his phone at all times and needs to pick up when you call. Period. No excuses. He needs to tell you everywhere he goes until you start to trust again. Monitor his mileage too and let him know you are keeping track. If he leaves work, he needs to call you and say so. If he decides to go to the store, he needs to say which one etc... This is all so that you can be able to show up anytime anywhere to checkup when you start to hurt and have mistrust again (and it will come and go). If he's not ok with that, then give him the finger and leave, he doesnt respect your pain. And someone mentioned already, all passwords, including online banking passwords! Nothing is private anymore if he wants to stay married. Gradually you will heal and regain his trust (if he doesnt **** up again). and you'll stop checking, but he needs to know that he can and will get caught if he does it again. And you need to have that reassurance by checking up when you start to hurt again.

It's the only thing that helps. 


However, if he is a monster like my soon to be exwife is...then there is no such thing as an open book, just theatrics and lies.


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