# How long before it's just to much?



## jamesfinch (Oct 2, 2012)

I have been watching & waiting to post & now I am at a point were I need to know when enough is enough...

I have been married to my wife for 81/2 years & I do love her. We got married young & have 3 babies together. We have had ups & downs. I have a big trust issue because she cheated on me & I found out on my own. Now I have trouble believing her & I really want too. But every time I turn around I catch her in lies. Anywhere from talking to another man to stupid stuff. She is also very aggressive (I know i'm a dude but I want your input on it), she throws things, use to smack me & not in a playful way & can be vicious with her words. If she does not know where I am & what I am doing at all times, I get accused of everything under the sun. I did move out last month in hopes that we can work it out. The last straw was when her nagging became unbearable & she is very irresponsible with money. 

Let's not get the idea that i'm perfect. I did have a female friend that I confided in & my wife did not condone. I had no guy buddies that liked my wife so hanging out with them was a no go. She didn't like them because they disliked the way she treated me. But I have stopped talking to the friend & am hoping that you guys have a few words of wisdom on what steps to take next. 

I know everyone on here has a sob story and there is so many details left but i'm hoping this is a start. I do love my wife.


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## jamesfinch (Oct 2, 2012)

Well its been another day & she seemed kinda distant today.

She was telling me a few stories about what people are saying about us around town but i'm unsure if I can trust what she says. 

She says shes ok with keeping the kids an extra night because I had to work early the next morning, but I hear her complaining to other people about it.
I have no problem keeping my kids, I love every minute I get with them & have kept them for her on her night more than once. I keep trying to believe her but every time I turn around... I have even heard her complaining one time when she didn't know I was around the corner. I asked her about it & she denied it then realized I heard her so said I didn't understand the contexts of the conversation.

Any help???


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I really don't see any upside to this relationship! There doesn't seem to be anything positive coming out of it.

1. Your wife has cheated on you and accused you of cheating on her. People who cheat ASSUME that everyone acts like they do (cheating)...it's how they justify their own bad behavior.

2. Your wife lies to you constantly about everything (big, small). Even when caught, she tries to deny her lying (more lies).

3. Your wife is physically violent - throwing things, hitting you.

4. Your wife is verbally abusive.

5. Your wife is financially irresponsible - my guess is she tries to make herself FEEL better by buying THINGS.

Your wife sounds VERY IMMATURE. It sounds like she's never grown up emotionally beyond the high-school level. She still deals with life as a spoiled, self-centered teen-ager. Unfortunately, YOU can't afford the luxury of her acting self-indulgent (spending sprees), selfish (affairs), and spoiled (hitting and throwing things in a temper tantrum) as she is now the MOTHER OF THREE small children.

She is MODELLING behavior for them (this is how you act when people make you mad; this is how you act when people disappoint you, this is how you act when your spouse doesn't do what you want, etc.) Is THIS how you want your children growing up? Do you want them to treat their spouses this way? Or accept being treated by their spouses this way?

You BOTH need counseling. If your W refuses to go, then find some counseling for yourself. You either need to fix this (with your W's FULL COOPERATION), or you need to get out on your own and SHOW YOUR KIDS HOW IT'S DONE RIGHT. Show them how to live like an adult (bills paid on-time), show them how to live like a man (showing respect for others, requiring respect for yourself) so your sons will want to BE men and your daughters will want to MARRY one.

Good luck, and keep posting. Let us know how it's going.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Slowly is right. Your wife must agree to ongoing MC or you are DONE. Leaving was absolutely the correct thing to do. One of the things that drove me out of my marriage was my husband bad-mouthing me behind my back to our son! Just wait, this will happen to you too if she doesn't agree to MC and likely anger management as well. You are doing the best thing for your children; nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## soconfused08 (Oct 7, 2012)

Hi:
I decided to respond to your post because I act like your wife, except for cheating and I am the more financially responsible one in the marriage. I verbally abuse my husband, I have made him leave our home and move into his live/work space(he moved into my home when we got married), and I am violent-throw things and use my finger to push his face.

He does not treat me the way I treat him. He calls me mean and I think our 2 1/2 month marriage maybe over. I made him leave yesterday. It is the 4th time in 2 months that I have kicked him out the house. He says he wants a divorce because we may not like each other and he is probably right. I tried to call him but he will not answer.

I am trying to figure out why I treat him the way that I do. I think it is is due to lack of respect. He lied to me before we were married, he seems to allow others, especially his mother, brother, sister, and father, to disrespect him, and I pay more bills. I am not making excuses for my behavior or your wife's behavior but maybe it is the stress of childeren and marriage that causes her to act out. Like one other member says, the way we act is immature and we need help.


I am sharing this with you because I know I need help and to offer a perspective from someone who is acting like your wife in regards to verbal abuse and violent behavior. I dont want to be this way. I dont treat others like this but there is something about him that makes me act outside of my character. I am not blaming him, just sharing. I hope this helps to read from someone who is not able to control my emotions towards my husband.

Sincerely,
Soconfused


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

soconfused,

What was your childhood like?


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## jamesfinch (Oct 2, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I really don't see any upside to this relationship! There doesn't seem to be anything positive coming out of it.
> 
> 1. Your wife has cheated on you and accused you of cheating on her. People who cheat ASSUME that everyone acts like they do (cheating)...it's how they justify their own bad behavior.
> 
> ...


The other question is do I really want my kids growing up thinking divorce is ok too? The kids hear all sorts of stuff about me from her.


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## jamesfinch (Oct 2, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Slowly is right. Your wife must agree to ongoing MC or you are DONE. Leaving was absolutely the correct thing to do. One of the things that drove me out of my marriage was my husband bad-mouthing me behind my back to our son! Just wait, this will happen to you too if she doesn't agree to MC and likely anger management as well. You are doing the best thing for your children; nothing changes if nothing changes.


We do go to MC but of course I somehow always look like the bad guy. I guess I am just waiting for her to trip up there too. 

I hear rumors about myself all the time & they are always people coming to me to clarify what they heard. I laugh at most of it. But the problem is the kids hear this crap as well.

She did anger management once & never went back.


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## jamesfinch (Oct 2, 2012)

soconfused08 said:


> Hi:
> I decided to respond to your post because I act like your wife, except for cheating and I am the more financially responsible one in the marriage. I verbally abuse my husband, I have made him leave our home and move into his live/work space(he moved into my home when we got married), and I am violent-throw things and use my finger to push his face.
> 
> He does not treat me the way I treat him. He calls me mean and I think our 2 1/2 month marriage maybe over. I made him leave yesterday. It is the 4th time in 2 months that I have kicked him out the house. He says he wants a divorce because we may not like each other and he is probably right. I tried to call him but he will not answer.
> ...



Get anger management & find out where your aggression is coming from.

These issues started before kids. And I always take care of the kids, not a very stressful source for her.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

James, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with Slowly that you are describing a woman who is very immature. As Slowly observes, the behaviors you mention include:


Verbal and physical abuse,
Vindictive and mean ("vicious" and "aggressive"),
Inability to trust (accusing you of "everything under the sun"),
Heavy reliance on projection (i.e., believing you are guilty of her own infractions and selfish thoughts),
Lying and blame-shifting,
Lack of impulse control (binge spending and cheating), and
Temper tantrums.
Significantly, these are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. An important issue, then, is whether she has most BPD traits at a strong level. I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are fully capable of spotting any and all red flags that exist if you take time to learn what to look for. 

I therefore suggest you read my brief description of such traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. One such resource is the forum _"Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD"_ at BPDfamily.com.


> We do go to MC but of course I somehow always look like the bad guy. I guess *I am just waiting for her to trip up there too*.


If she has strong BPD traits, you will be waiting a long time. Because BPDers typically are good actors, it is a piece of cake for them to hide their dark side during the 50 minute sessions held once a week. It can take a therapist two years to start seeing the dysfunctional behaviors you see all week long. Hence, if your W has strong BPD traits, MC likely will be a total waste of time until she addresses her more serious issues in IC with a psychologist. Take care, James.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

James:

YOU need to decide where you want your children to be 10 years from now:

(a) Mom & Dad are divorced, but Dad has a loving, stable marriage with a wonderful mature woman

(b) Mom & Dad are still married, but Mom is always angry and violent, Dad is constantly on edge and bitter



(a) My parents have told me that people grow and change through the years; all the more reason NOT to marry too young when your adult self is NOT fully formed

(b) My parents have told me 'You made your bed, now lie in it'



(a) Marriage is an attempt by 2 imperfect people to find perfect happiness.

(b) Marriage is FOREVER; no matter what (let the words & fists start flying)



In light of physical, verbal, emotional & financial ABUSE, you REALLY think "DIVORCE" is so awful?!? I think your relationship is TOXIC (to YOU and to YOUR KIDS.)


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