# Your reaction to a friend or colleague who has been the cheater



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A post in another thread got me wondering how the people here react when finding out others in their life are cheaters themselves.

Do you just accept it, say to yourself that it's not your business or doesn't involve you?

Do you smile when told, but silently cut them out of your life?

At work do you avoid them?

At work do you try to not be on projects with them, and if a supervisor try to get rid of them?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> Do you just accept it, say to yourself that it's not your business or doesn't involve you?


This one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> A post in another thread got me wondering how the people here react when finding out others in their life are cheaters themselves.
> 
> Do you just accept it, say to yourself that it's not your business or doesn't involve you?
> 
> ...


Not long ago my H's best friend split with his W. He had feelings for one of their mutual friends, had done for a while. I guess it was a very strong EA. 

My H's friend let this cloud his feelings (fog) and decided he could see no future with his W. Interestingly his W said she couldn't break up her own strong friendship with the female in question: I suspect that although she knew her H had these feelings, she has never realized that they were reciprocated.

They got back together and he has vowed to be dedicated to his M. He actually told my H he was very concerned over what I thought of him because of this (and given my H's EA and my reactions to that.)

I said I didn't condone how he has behaved. I said I understand however that life isn't black and white and urged him to look at the bigger picture and what he has with his W and the possible repercussions should abything happen with the OW. That I didn't think badly of him but do the right thing.

The irony as I say was that his W continues this friendship with their "friend". He however gives her a wide berth. I am on friendly terms with him but not overly, but that is as it always has been. My worry at the time was my H would be the go-to for advice thus raking up his EA but I don't know if it got discussed and I never asked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It depends on how well I know them. Years ago, my best friend and my ex's best friend hooked up behind my back. My friend was single, but the guy had a longtime girlfriend and a child together. I was immensely disappointed in them both when I found out. (They lied, knowing how I'd feel). I forgave my friend and tried not to think badly of her. However, years after that they hooked up AGAIN! (He was now with a different girlfriend, after the breakup of the previous relationship, and had also cheated on his ex with the current girl). It was too much drama for me.

I'm still friends with my girlfriend, but I don't invite her to socialize with guys anymore. She's a very lonely person and very susceptible to male attention, taken or not. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Depends on the situation. I personally treat it as finding out that the person may have questionable integrity. It has led me to pressure people out of the group I manage when I realize that the person's ethical compass seems broken, and once firing when I found out that one professional employee was trying to cross the line with another. Silently write them out of my life if it is a personal relationship because of the way they can hurt a loved one with so little regard.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Halien said:


> Depends on the situation. I personally treat it as finding out that the person may have questionable integrity. It has led me to pressure people out of the group I manage when I realize that the person's ethical compass seems broken, and once firing when I found out that one professional employee was trying to cross the line with another. Silently write them out of my life if it is a personal relationship because of the way they can hurt a loved one with so little regard.


Yes. This very much sums up my reaction too.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> Do you just accept it, say to yourself that it's not your business or doesn't involve you?


It used to be this one, but since it has recently hit close to home, now its this one: *silently cut them out of your life*.

I see it as _re-living _the betrayal when I'm aware of a traitor(cheater) in my midst.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Create distance. If it is or was a good friend and they have the stones to ask my opinion, they will get it. 

Anyone that knows me, knows me. I am real and anything less than getting real back from someone is unacceptable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

One of my best friends cheated on her husband of 16 yrs with her male gym trainer. The trainer is 10 yrs younger than her. She refused to admit any wrongdoing on her part to me or her husband, claiming he worked to much, they have 5 kids together and a beautiful brand new home to pay for. She told me she fell out of love with her husband and just wanted to be happy. Her husband was devastated and was willing to go to therapy, or do anything to save her from leaving. It was a very messy divorce. She got pregnant with this trainer before she was officially divorced. She told me she wont marry him because she will lose all her alimony and some child support from her ex husband. I REFUSE to talk to her anymore. There is no relationship. She got $100,000 out of the divorce, her ex makes great money. My ex friend disgusts and repulses me. This is everything I am not and fight against. My husband and I still are friends with the husband and support him


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband works with a guy who he BELIEVES is cheating -he appears to have a GF on the side-runs off with his cell phone & has private conversations, nights at the bar, my husband doesn't ask! He still likes the man, he is a good worker & for him, that is all he cares about -after all , this is work. He comes home & has his own life. The man has made comments about his wife & sex, what a JOKE that is, so husband assumes this is why he is in that position. Even though my husband is so far from the cheating type himself - he does not seem to throw stones or judge terribly those who do or have, after all he is not married to them. This is his attitude. 

I am likely similar to him in my views, I would NOT want to get involved, all I would do is give the best advice possible to either the cheater or the cheated on (if they are being niave) so both could find their happiness -with integrity attached to it and right standing before others. 

My own father cheated on my mother with her best friend, if you can even call it that -because they were OPEN about it from the very beginning....nothing would have stopped this connection anyway - as my Mom & dad shouldn't have been, my mom didn't even care, but wished them well ! Shortly after they divorced. Who suffered the most from that, likely ME !! But I still seen it as a necessary evil. I do not think my dad nor my step mom is scum, some forces are just too powerful, but again, they didn't hide anything, there really was no lying when it began. Their marraige has been an inspiration to me, meant to be. 

We did have a GF who got bored with her husband, she married too quick-afraid she would be the last bridesmaid standing, so she Jumped , sometimes you can almost tell, she was very bright & witty and literally he had some lagging mental issues, NICE guy in overdrive plus a little slow. The marraige was a train wreck. All of us knew about it , I think he did too, he was putting up with it. One of our friends took the liberty to talk to him , then this friend cut us all off, which was fine with me! 

Anyone caught up in any of these things is NOT living a happy fullfilled life by any means, I do feel sorry for them and the choices before them are NOT easy by any means. Many Need to just divorce, it was a wrong match to begin with and if they stay -they will suffer & regret they wasted their years, while dreaming of the fence or living over that fence in hiding. How sad. 

Though I feel ALL those who step outside of their marraiges should be man or woman enough to come forth- confess their sins- so their spouse has the opportunity to DIVORCE them-or try to salvage what could be resurrected in the marraige. NOONE should be lied too, or living a double life. It's wrong, it's evil and nothing good comes from it. 

But it ain't MY place to go there , I want no part of it -unless it involves ME or my husband.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> A post in another thread got me wondering how the people here react when finding out others in their life are cheaters themselves.
> 
> Do you just accept it, say to yourself that it's not your business or doesn't involve you?
> 
> ...


My now WW and I have talked to each other about a variety of friends we have known all our lives who have either been cheated on or have cheated. I guess we both thought it has nothing to do with us so we didn't judge. I think life is so complicated that we (or at least I) assumed there was more to it then cheating and it wasn't my place to judge. One of the ones who was being cheated on knew and simply had a rule that it was "ok" if it was out of the state and no STDs came home with him. I admit that one shocked me but again I reasoned this wasn't my business and while that was not my thing maybe in their "universe" it worked? I don't know. Its been harder for me to maintain any anger over this because there are so many people doing this crap to each other. Right now its all more self directed. I feel sick, can't sleep, I get spun up into anxiety-ville blah blah blah. I'm having a serious brain melt down over this and while its supposed to be "only" an EA this is starting to come out as more. *So I think about the STDs and how much I wish this was a bad dream.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

annagarret said:


> One of my best friends cheated on her husband of 16 yrs with her male gym trainer. The trainer is 10 yrs younger than her. She refused to admit any wrongdoing on her part to me or her husband, claiming he worked to much, they have 5 kids together and a beautiful brand new home to pay for. She told me she fell out of love with her husband and just wanted to be happy. Her husband was devastated and was willing to go to therapy, or do anything to save her from leaving. It was a very messy divorce. She got pregnant with this trainer before she was officially divorced. She told me she wont marry him because she will lose all her alimony and some child support from her ex husband. I REFUSE to talk to her anymore. There is no relationship. She got $100,000 out of the divorce, her ex makes great money. My ex friend disgusts and repulses me. This is everything I am not and fight against. My husband and I still are friends with the husband and support him


IF she's living with an raising a kid, can't the exH have her declared as living in a common law marriage and cut off paying the tramp?


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

If I'm just on the outside looking in, I usually just detach.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

A very good friend of mine used me as an alabi, called after his arranged ONS that he told his wife that he was helping on a project at my cabin (1 hrs from home)......he told me what he did and I became very angry at him. He said it was not my business, I told him that I don't knowingly associate with liers and people who calculate a betrayal. Said I was having second thoughts on investing in a business project, that now I know he could betray his wife of 20 years, the mother of his 3 kids, the woman who took daily care of his mother when she had cancer.......he could easily lie to and betray a friend and business partner. 

I told him I wanted no association with him until he did what was right (inform wife of betrayal).....and for him to deal with her pain and anger like a man. Said I wouldn't tell her anything but if she asked me about the project and your supposed 'help' - that I wouldn't lie to her.......AND I would not keep his secret from my wife, his wife's BBF.....did agree not to tell my wife for 7 days....

I don't associate with people who lie to their loved one or betray vows......my cide is if your unhappy or in a bad marriage - fix it, ir leave it - but keep it zipped up or knees together until you have the moral authority to seek relations with others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Do you smile when told, but silently cut them out of your life?


This is what I did when one of my friends told me that he has been sleeping with another same church member's W in her marital bed while her H is on an overseas biz trip. I pretended like I didn't care. But, after that, I stopped interacting with him. It just disgusted me. I also think it is generally wise to keep your close network clear of such low moral character. 

I can't trust him anymore.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It's strange but, outside my family and mere acquaintances I haven't come across it. Then again it is always very clear to my friends and coworkers how I feel about infidelity so I doubt any of them would tell me about it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> It's strange but, outside my family and mere acquaintances I haven't come across it. Then again it is always very clear to my friends and coworkers how I feel about infidelity so I doubt any of them would tell me about it.



....and less than 3 hours after posting this I got an unsolicited confession from a very good friend that he cheated


I'm glad he came to me though and without trying to sound conceited about I am probably the only friend he has that is capable of helping him. (he had many suggestions to "keep it quiet" for starters.) The good news is that he was very open to doing the right thing about it and has listened to what I had to say. He also sounds remorseful to me and hasn't blamed his longtime SO at all. I gave him several links here, don't think he will post but educating him was the best thing I could do.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> ....and less than 3 hours after posting this I got an unsolicited confession from a very good friend that he cheated
> 
> 
> I'm glad he came to me though and without trying to sound conceited about I am probably the only friend he has that is capable of helping him. (he had many suggestions to "keep it quiet" for starters.) The good news is that he was very open to doing the right thing about it and has listened to what I had to say. He also sounds remorseful to me and hasn't blamed his longtime SO at all. I gave him several links here, don't think he will post but educating him was the best thing I could do.


I so wish people would NOT come to me to tell me about their cheating crap. My wife's best friend cheated and when the husband found out it was a quick divorce. One of my friends had the same thing and it was also with "her boss" and that was also a quick divorce. Another was cheating and when it was sniffed out got me in the middle of it to try to save his ass. There was the long distant biz trip guy who has a girlfriend. Oh and the prize one that was the "I'm not having anything to do with you or your crap" who had hookers at his Batchlor party. The people who attended (Wisely) didn't clue me into exactly what happened but again, another Divorce. Literally sickening.

On the web someplace is a Fidelity is a Myth chart and shows every weird connection people have outside of marriage. Its really depressing as well as sickening.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

X, you really need to start hanging out in different social circles, wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well my friend came to me because he knew he needs to come clean with his SO and wants to know how to handle it best and attempt R if she was willing (he was one of my only friends who knows my story)

In no way did I sugar coat it for him


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One of the guys on the crew has a GF and is married. The GF and the job are in another state (hundreds of miles away) from were the crew and the W live.

We all share a big house the company rents for the length of the project. Most guys go home on the week end to our SO except for you know who.

Well long story short I stayed home....waiting for the next project...typing here on TAM.

Screw it, that crap is way to uncomfortable to deal with...I'll find another project..hopefully with the same company.

BTW the chick stays at the house also and is a screamer.

Any one out there looking for a project coordinator


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Went on a golf trip with one of my oldest friends. we played basketball together as kids and in college.
He did not come back to the room one night and bragged about getting laid. he has 4 kids.
Hell, I do not know his wife. So, I just kept my mouth shut. Lost a lot of respect for him.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> X, you really need to start hanging out in different social circles, wow!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think your right. I've never sat down and figured out the numbers before and its pretty sad.

I counted up 17 examples (I used myself twice.) The others are the people we most associate with. Like friends close enough that you would see them as your parents funeral type of thing.

and here are the results

9 Someone cheated (A couple of cases I'm not 100% but thats the story I heard) 
1 Unknown what the cause was but Divorced
7 Non Cheaters
7 Divorces

One of the cheaters (One I know for sure) never got caught and thus is a cheater that didn't divorce. So the Divorce rate is almost 100%.

Most had been married more then 20 years. I wonder if there is something in the water up here or what? On the other hand I've read that nearly 50% is the norm over the course of a marriage that one or the other cheats. I know the divorce rate is really high but if you include this much infidelity I guess it makes sense. Some of the non cheater couples may well have had infidelity going on but worked it out quietly (I doubt it knowing them but?) I never thought I would be going through this again. 

This is literally making me feel sick...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Most of the people I know have cheated or are now.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I seem to feel like the moral fibers aren't there and therefore, I distance myself. I put up a wall from allowing me to see them on equal grounds with me, they belong in the same category as my stbx-H. 

I actually ran into a situation like this that made me uncomfortable this summer. My stepdad's father left his wife about 10 years ago to marry his mistress of 16 years. They're married and still together, and I had sort of forgotten the circumstances surrounding it all. This woman is really good to me and my children. I sat there venting about my situation and talking about how karma will smack them both in the a$$ and it won't last, etc. and then I realized, "Sh!t, this woman is on the other side!" So I've sort of had a moment, so to speak. I knew the truth and all and didn't see her as all moral or anything. But how many people are around us that are cheaters and we have no idea.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I seem to feel like the moral fibers aren't there and therefore, I distance myself. I put up a wall from allowing me to see them on equal grounds with me, they belong in the same category as my stbx-H.
> 
> I actually ran into a situation like this that made me uncomfortable this summer. My stepdad's father left his wife about 10 years ago to marry his mistress of 16 years. They're married and still together, and I had sort of forgotten the circumstances surrounding it all. This woman is really good to me and my children. I sat there venting about my situation and talking about how karma will smack them both in the a$$ and it won't last, etc. and then I realized, "Sh!t, this woman is on the other side!" So I've sort of had a moment, so to speak. I knew the truth and all and didn't see her as all moral or anything. But how many people are around us that are cheaters and we have no idea.


We had a very similar situation when a relative got involved with a married man and was getting a stern lecture on how wrong this was and one of the people talking to her was a "homewrecker." And looked really uncomfortable with the topic btw.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Do you smile when told, but silently cut them out of your life?


Yes, this. As I don't like drama. But if they push the issue, I'll then tell them what I think.



> At work do you avoid them?


Absolutely. There is one woman here at work that has slept with 3 other married men there. I don't know why she stays. All the women hate her, and only men with any self respect avoid her like the plague.



> At work do you try to not be on projects with them, and if a supervisor try to get rid of them?


Not a supervisor, but if I were, being a person of low character in the realm of cheating and being a wh0re is not a reason for dismissal, unless they are doing it on company property, or on company paid business trips.

OR if it is a supervisor/subordinate relationship. And even then you have to tread lightly, because even though it might be consentual, if you fire the subordinate for an affair with a supervisor outside of work, the subordinate can still bring harrassment charges. It happened where I work.

As a regular employee, I was suppose to go on a business trip with this office **** and 2 other people. She is in another department. I told my supervisor that I will not go on a trip with her and stated why, and he agreed seeing as how the other men she slept with were in our department.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Dexter this thread has ben dead for 4 weeks.....zombie thread!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I have a fair few thoughts when it comes to judging others........

1. My exH talked about valuing fidelity a lot in the early years of our marriage. And spoke negatively of someone from his village who had left his wife. OTOH, he was still friends with 2 woman from growing up. 1, his ex gf from university, who when she relaised he wasn't in marriage mode, simply found someone else before breaking up with him. The other woman was dating his brother. HE found out about her intransigence when he decided to make a surprise visit to her and caught her inflagrante. 

I suppose one issue here is that with both women they did have many of the same friends.

2. When I was in my 20s, I didn't think much of fidelity and I guess that's a function of being single and still mobile.

3. A very close friend of mine was having problems in her marriage. She talked about divorce but hadn't filed for it. But she also told me about the guy she would see at salsa dancing. She admitted to me when her husband found about the the-mails and the dancing situation, he put an end to it. She tried to say to me that it wasn't about starting an affair, I was closer to her than I was to her husband, but on this one, I didn't believe. She did go on to have a relationship with this guy after her divorce.

4. I went away for a weekend as a friend was having a milestone birthday party. So I went to a luncheon "ladies who lunch" and I remember the hostess saying something about her husband in which my immediate thought was, they must not get along. That evening at the b-day party, I remember being at the refreshment table and noticing an attractive man coming on to me and then suddenly this same hostess introducing him to me as her husband. I was glad for the heads up because I believe that it takes way too many years to build up these social circles and it's just not worth tearing them down for well, what, a little tail in the afternoon.

Going forward, I will be honest and say, I don't know how I will treat a cheater until I assess the original relationship that I have with them. My exH did an exit affair. I feel like he walked off with most of the mutual friendships.


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