# Life's too short....



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

My husband and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary. We have been together for almost 9 years. He is a friend of the family and my family LOVES him. I love him too, but since we got married we have experienced a lot of things. I had a high paying job that I had to leave after I was given a date rape drug and assaulted. He left for 6 months to a law enforcement academy and during that time we grew apart rather than together. I feel like it was easier for him to check out than to admit to me that he missed me and due to the high stress we argued a lot. He KNOW he never would touch another woman, but he tried to conceal when he had to train with other girls so that I wouldn't get upset/hurt and eventually when I found out it backfired. I know he was trying to protect me, but it put a wall up between us and a dagger in my heart. He was my best friend and we told each other everything! We had to move 2000m away from our home and when he started his new job, he repeated the same thing. Tried to hide when he had to work with other women and again I felt betrayed even though I know he was trying to avoid an argument. He had changed a little, more outspoken and had this commorotory (sp?) with his co-workers that I'm not a part of. I needed to go to the ER and I had to drive myselft because he didn't want to take off work cause it would look bad. I started to feel like I wasn't as important as his job. We started fighting everyday, screaming crying name calling horrible fights daily. I was homesick, lonely and so far from home. We moved again and we thought it would be better since I was only 11 hours from home. We bought a house and planned to stay here a couple years until we can get back home, It's been 2 years and I can't stand being here anymore. With the original move I had to give up my career and have only back peddled. I don't have any friends here (it's a VERY small town and they don't like LE) and I feel as though life is passing me by. The fighting has lessened, but only because I feel like we just don't care anymore. I believe we still love each other and we are good friends and it breaks my heart to say I think we need to part ways, but I feel like we're holding each other back. He has now told me that he has changed his mind and doesn't really want kids. He wants to travel around the country with his job helping people and get a sport bike etc. He has submerged himself in working out and running almost 3 hours a day and drinking a lot on his days off. We recently went on vacation and had a great time, but since we came back all I can think about is moving to where we went. He tells me all the time to leave, even in the littlest argument, but then turns around and acts like nothing happened. If something happened tomorrow I would always wonder if he really loves me. I don't feel like I'm on the right path, but I don't want to give up a good thing. What do I do? How long do I have to be lonely and bored with life. sorry this is so long OH and we've tried counseling and that didn't work. Considering trying again with someone else. I've gone to church, done positive thinking practices, talked to family/friends, talked with him, and read numerous books. In reference to the first incident (date rape) I am a little angry that he wasn't there for me while I was dealing with it (I don't think he could handle it) and he thinks that maybe I just got really drunk and screw*d someone else. This conversation only is very touchy between us. Thank You in advance for your advice.


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

I've had almost 50 ppl look at this post and no comments : ( Even if it's just a short msg can someone please provide me with some feedback. I would really appreciate it! Thank You!


----------



## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

I would seriously try counseling again. My husband and I tried a couple before we found one that would work for us. I would also suggest individual counseling for you. Rape is a serious thing and you need to talk to someone about it. 

Marriage is not easy. Sometimes it takes a LOT of work. Some years are just going to suck. In my marriage it was years six through nine. We didn't know if we would make it sometimes, but with the help of some great counselors and the decision to change ourselves (not each other) it is amazing now. I look back and if I had given up back then, I would not have had all the joy of the last nine years. I'm not trying to be preachy or judgemental, just giving my two cents.

I have read some great marriage books and watched some great marriage DVDs. If you are interested, I will give you some ideas.


----------



## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

Sat16 said:


> I've had almost 50 ppl look at this post and no comments : ( Even if it's just a short msg can someone please provide me with some feedback. I would really appreciate it! Thank You!


As you were posting this, I was posting mine. Geesh, I type slow!  Hope you get some more feedback.


----------



## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Sat16, you have a lot of issues but to boil it down....what do you want and where do you want to be in 5 years? No what he wants, what you want.


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

HappyWife40 said:


> I would seriously try counseling again. My husband and I tried a couple before we found one that would work for us. I would also suggest individual counseling for you. Rape is a serious thing and you need to talk to someone about it.
> 
> Marriage is not easy. Sometimes it takes a LOT of work. Some years are just going to suck. In my marriage it was years six through nine. We didn't know if we would make it sometimes, but with the help of some great counselors and the decision to change ourselves (not each other) it is amazing now. I look back and if I had given up back then, I would not have had all the joy of the last nine years. I'm not trying to be preachy or judgemental, just giving my two cents.
> 
> I have read some great marriage books and watched some great marriage DVDs. If you are interested, I will give you some ideas.


I have never heard of marriage DVDs :smthumbup: I don't want to look back and regret not sticking it out, but I think we have changed and want different things now. However, is he going to change AGAIN? Perhaps if we could finally transfer home. I think we'll look for a different counselor Thank you for your response! You're probably not a slow typer, I'm just anxious for advice. It's been almost 3 years of fighting and this is the first time of done this on a forum.


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

grizabella said:


> Sat16, you have a lot of issues but to boil it down....what do you want and where do you want to be in 5 years? No what he wants, what you want.


This is exactly it, I KNOW what I want, but his goals have changed and now I don't know what he REALLY wants. We have SO many issues... Him saying he no longer wants kids is a big one, but I don't know if that's the truth or if he doesn't want them right now! I don't know WHAT to do.... and in the meantime life keeps passing by. I HATE living here I want to go back to my family and friends really bad and that is a HUGE issue with me and the root of ALOT of arguments. I hate where I live and have no choice  But I also have a husband that has a good job and makes a lot of $ SO..... DAMN this sucks LOL!!!


----------



## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

Sat16 said:


> I have never heard of marriage DVDs :smthumbup: I don't want to look back and regret not sticking it out, but I think we have changed and want different things now. However, is he going to change AGAIN? Perhaps if we could finally transfer home. I think we'll look for a different counselor Thank you for your response! You're probably not a slow typer, I'm just anxious for advice. It's been almost 3 years of fighting and this is the first time of done this on a forum.


Great marriage DVD - Mark Gungor - _How to Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage_. Funny and thought provoking. The plus is, guys actually like this one.


----------



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi Sat, I'm very sorry for all that has happened to you, but I believe you are in the right place. Hope we can help.

First, children. I assumed before you were married that you discussed you wanted to have them. If he's saying he doesn't, you need to decide how important it is to you.

Second, it seems as though you are financially dependant on him.  I believe a lot of people will tell you "money isn't everything," which is easy to say when you have it. However, do you have family that you could move back home with? It seems like you are very unhappy. People do change, but it feels like he's not making you a priority. 

Hopefully we can give you some different perspectives. I know the only thing that has gotten me through years of arguing with my spouse are my friends/family.


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> Hi Sat, I'm very sorry for all that has happened to you, but I believe you are in the right place. Hope we can help.
> 
> First, children. I assumed before you were married that you discussed you wanted to have them. If he's saying he doesn't, you need to decide how important it is to you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for responding. We did talk about it with our pastor before our wedding and he said he'd like two kids. I believe in my heart he still wants that, but the arguing and being in this awful location has clouded that. 

I am not completely financially dependent on him, but where we are living I don't make what I'm used to. I do really enjoy having the luxury of not "having" to work that he provides. But I do hold a decent job for my sanity. I think that it's hardly possible for a single woman to have a nice, big house and nice car and clothes etc she wants, without the support of another income. I realize that these are things that I will have to part with. I'm not gonna lie, I don't want to give up what I have financially  But my friends, family and happiness is more important to me.

I believe you when you say friends and family are what helped you through all the arguing and I truly believe that if we were back home and had that support we would be 50-75% better, maybe more. However, it could be another 3 years till we get transferred and in the mean time. YES I am and have been for 3 years VERY unhappy, miserable I would say... I am SO happy I finally decided to post on here, thank you everyone for your help. I need answer's and I have no one here to talk to!


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi and welcome to the forum. Sorry you are having so much turmoil in your life. I can really relate to that. It all boils down to too much stress; every aspect of your life is suffering.

Stress affects people differently. In my situation, I finally got to the point where I began to socially detach. Even worse I also began to emotionally detach from my children and husband. Stress was so bad in our household that my children and husband also began to detaching from me and from each other. Each of us were in our own little world. It does sound as though this could be a possibility with you and your husband. That could be why nothing seems to change your feelings.

You may want to see a psychologist for complete testing. I finally did that a few months ago. His evaluation was so helpful. In addition, you and your husband may want to get individual counseling and conquer stress and individual issues which are inhibiting you as a couple.


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Hi and welcome to the forum. Sorry you are having so much turmoil in your life. I can really relate to that. It all boils down to too much stress; every aspect of your life is suffering.
> 
> Stress affects people differently. In my situation, I finally got to the point where I began to socially detach. Even worse I also began to emotionally detach from my children and husband. Stress was so bad in our household that my children and husband also began to detaching from me and from each other. Each of us were in our own little world. It does sound as though this could be a possibility with you and your husband. That could be why nothing seems to change your feelings.
> 
> You may want to see a psychologist for complete testing. I finally did that a few months ago. His evaluation was so helpful. In addition, you and your husband may want to get individual counseling and conquer stress and individual issues which are inhibiting you as a couple.


I do believe that stress is a major part of our problem, however, it is unavoidable. We both try to manage it through taking vacations, working out and spending time with our dogs etc, but It's just not enough..... It doesn't help that it is him and I ALL the time, no one else. I feel locked in a box haha. 

So Aug you went to the psych and they evaluated you and said it was just high stress? I don't trust them so much, I feel like they may not get the whole picture and tell me I'm Bi-Polar and my husband an alcoholic or something LOL!!! I guess It's worth a try. I know we're under extreme stress. I forget everything, chest pains, eat as much as I want and don't gain an ounce (not complaining about that) and my mind never stops... tired all day and can't sleep at night. Maybe I need to go home for a while and we should seperate to see how it goes!


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sat16 said:


> So Aug you went to the psych and they evaluated you and said it was just high stress? I don't trust them so much, I feel like they may not get the whole picture and tell me I'm Bi-Polar and my husband an alcoholic or something LOL!!! I guess It's worth a try. I know we're under extreme stress. I forget everything, chest pains, eat as much as I want and don't gain an ounce (not complaining about that) and my mind never stops... tired all day and can't sleep at night. Maybe I need to go home for a while and we should seperate to see how it goes!


Much of my stress is unavoidable. My estranged husband made some really bad choices and I've been suffering the consequences the last 6 years. I began going to a therapist in 2008. Although she has been quite helpful, many of my problems continued to get worse. All of this was further compounded by the fact that I had lingering problems from a serious illness late in 2009. 

I was a little nervous about seeing the psychologist too. The hospital first had him evaluating me back in 2009 (for hypoxia damages). My therapist insisted that I follow up with him in June. He is a neurophysiologist and did a through evaluation. We ended up testing for eight hours followed by a 2 hour consultation (w/me and the therapist)--thankfully three separate appointments.

He ruled out Alzheimer's, ADD, and other major mental disorders. But, he said my primary problems are stress, anxiety, and depression. It's just that I never presented the typical signs. I could not focus on anything, got easily confused, lost everything I put my hands on, had impaired audio capabilities (even though my hearing is great), had chest pain, socially detached, etc. It's funny that my husband used to deliberately stress me out and then tell me I was bi-polar. The psychologist said all my mental problems are stress related. However, he now feels the damage (in some areas) will be permanent. 

Anyway, I found a general physician who was willing to work with the psychologist. After much hesitation I decided to give in and try the psychologist's recommended anti-depressant. I'm now taking a low dose of Zoloft; it's been 5 weeks. I'm finally starting to see some improvements. The chest tightness has subsided and I have more energy. 

Once you get to the bottom of your stress issues, things should be better in your marriage. I suspect your husband is also having stress issues. You'll need to get him onboard with resolving stress as well.


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Much of my stress is unavoidable. My estranged husband made some really bad choices and I've been suffering the consequences the last 6 years. I began going to a therapist in 2008. Although she has been quite helpful, many of my problems continued to get worse. All of this was further compounded by the fact that I had lingering problems from a serious illness late in 2009.
> 
> I was a little nervous about seeing the psychologist too. The hospital first had him evaluating me back in 2009 (for hypoxia damages). My therapist insisted that I follow up with him in June. He is a neurophysiologist and did a through evaluation. We ended up testing for eight hours followed by a 2 hour consultation (w/me and the therapist)--thankfully three separate appointments.
> 
> ...


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Much of my stress is unavoidable. My estranged husband made some really bad choices and I've been suffering the consequences the last 6 years. I began going to a therapist in 2008. Although she has been quite helpful, many of my problems continued to get worse. All of this was further compounded by the fact that I had lingering problems from a serious illness late in 2009.
> 
> I was a little nervous about seeing the psychologist too. The hospital first had him evaluating me back in 2009 (for hypoxia damages). My therapist insisted that I follow up with him in June. He is a neurophysiologist and did a through evaluation. We ended up testing for eight hours followed by a 2 hour consultation (w/me and the therapist)--thankfully three separate appointments.
> 
> ...


I responded to this post and all it did was quote your post without my response :banghead:

I'm sure they would tell me the same thing, I've dealt with severe anxiety and mild depression in the past and I now am able to manage it myself. I know I suffer from high stress levels now I have many of the symptoms, however the stress my husband and I experience is completely unavoidable until we get back home and then some of it will be lifted (and new will be added I'm sure LOL) I wonder if it would be best for me to move back home and seperate for a little while to see how it goes. Maybe it would be refreshing for both of us. Some other details about us that may give you guys some better insight. I'm 29 and he's in his early 30's and we don't have ANY kids yet THANK GOD. It's hard enough have two furry friends, that if I left, he wouldn't have time to care for and I wouldn't have the space for. So still trying to figure that out since they are part of the family and WILL be taken care of (spoiled) as always


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

I have done a lot of research, talking and thinking about our marriage and I am wondering if this isn't a case of a "selfish spouse" or narcissism. I mean I gave up my whole life and moved away from my home to support his career. His daily routine 5 days a week is all about him (work, gym, run, get ready for work, repeat) I've asked him to run through the bank NO TIME, replace the faucet NO TIME. Everything has to be put off until the weekend and then there's no time for fun! He WILL NOT stray from his mon-fri routine. He refuses to give me any affection, "cause he doesn't do that" even when he was encouraged to by the counselor. He basically told me the other day, this is how he is and if I don't like it leave, but he's NOT changing. He's willing to go to counseling, but what's the point if he won't do what they suggest. He says that thing's "things" that I'm asking for (basic sign's of affection, caring and love) are not needs so he won't display them. Lastly, the fact that he told me he wanted 2 children and now he says he doesn't have time/room for them. He can't do what he wants now (go on training for work for 1,3,6 months at a time across the country) and he will be more restricted with kids. Plus he has more stuff he wants to buy first (a bike, car parts etc) and basically no I'm sorry, but I changed my mind. If you don't like it leave : ( I myself might be able to go without children, if he felt that strong about it and everything else was good, but I feel like there's so many other issues. What do you guys think, am I on to something or just grouping a set of problems into one and labeling it?


----------



## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

Sorry you're so sad and going through this.

Your assessment of his selfishness might be right on. It further sounds as if his career is starting and he is adjusting to that as well. In a sense, he seems to be feeling his way through the freedom of being out of school, having money, making new friends and experiencing success in his new career. His focus is inward and you aren't included in his discovery process. You haven't moved on with him (doesn't sound like he's letting you) and based on what you say, he is pushing away from you and leaning in to his own life. Are most of his work buddies single? 

You are young and unencumbered by children in your marriage. In other words, you can make a fairly clean break. You sound like you're intelligent, pretty well put together (though the rape seems like a big issue that you have yet to truly deal with) and capable of supporting yourself. You do seem to lack a significant measure of confidence in yourself at this point (for many reasons). Hearing, "if you don't like it, leave" on a regular basis isn't helping because in many ways it reflects his commitment (or lack thereof) to the relationship as well. He's willing to tell you to walk, what is keeping him from walking?

Don't even consider bringing children into this volatile environment - they won't fix anything.

Perhaps the next time he says "leave," say OK, pack your bags, get in your car and drive 11 hours to go home. Call his bluff. It's possible that's what he is looking for you to do to show him that you are not entirely dependent on him for your happiness. Maybe that's more pressure than he can handle. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose even if what you lose is him.

Best wishes ... I hope you smile soon.


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

rfAlaska said:


> Sorry you're so sad and going through this.
> 
> Your assessment of his selfishness might be right on. It further sounds as if his career is starting and he is adjusting to that as well. In a sense, he seems to be feeling his way through the freedom of being out of school, having money, making new friends and experiencing success in his new career. His focus is inward and you aren't included in his discovery process. You haven't moved on with him (doesn't sound like he's letting you) and based on what you say, he is pushing away from you and leaning in to his own life. Are most of his work buddies single?
> 
> ...


Alaska, THANK YOU, you are exactly right. When we got together, he worked construction with his family and was in a band (it was a more serious band, the put out a cd and did shows and stuff) and lived hat home still. From there, I went to buy a home and he wanted his name on it, last minute, so he moved in and kind of went with my life. Hung out more with my friends, quit the band (his major hangout crew) saw my fam more, his less and even switched jobs. I had moved out on my own and was very independent at 18, then moved back in with my fam a couple years later to save $ for a house (that's when we met) It wasn't until he left for the academy (3 years ago) that he ever was on his own COMPLETELY and it has been since then that we have fought. He has changed a lot and some is for the better, but it doesn't work with our personalities. 

Some of his co-workers are single, but the way it is in law enforcement the comradery they have and time they spend with each other, I feel like they push for the safety of the people comes before your family and home life (he says, I am selfish for not liking this) I think work is work and after that 10 hours you are OFF DUTY! anyways I have packed up once and drove 1 hour crying the entire way. It is too emotional of a state of mind to safely drive that far. In that hour it seemed like I drove 4. I am making a plan to leave end of Sept., hopefully my mom can take the train out here. I was thinking of a few counseling sessions alone and together before I leave what do you think? Do you think he'll ever have room for me or is this just him finding out who he really is and what he wants and I'm no longer in the picture? 

I thank you SO much for your comment, I think for the first time someone can see what's going on and it really helped me make my decision to leave. Thank you. You are very intelligent.

It's gonna hurt like hell and it may be a while till I smile, but when I do LOOK OUT cause I'm not turning back. I can't wait to be happy!

Most of my posts are from my phone so please forgive me on any grammatical errors.


----------



## Sat16 (Aug 30, 2011)

HappyWife40 said:


> Great marriage DVD - Mark Gungor - _How to Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage_. Funny and thought provoking. The plus is, guys actually like this one.


I just saw this, thank you I will look it up


----------

