# Should I persevere



## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

I have been with my wife for 8 years now and over the last couple of years we have slowly grown apart and for the last 4-5 months we can barely talk to each without it turning into a battleground with names being thrown around. I have also thrown my wedding ring a couple of times recently.
I know this will be a bit long winded but I want people to see the whole picture before making judgement. I know most will probably recommend counselling etc (which we have just made an appointment) but I would really like to see things from many other peoples perspectives and not have tunnel vision focused on my own wants and needs.
This is my second marriage. I came to this marriage with 3 children of my own (in their teens now) that I have always had full custody of. My wife also came to the marriage with a child of her own and we also have a young son together. We are both in our mid 30’s. Before we met I had a mortgage half paid off and living quite comfortably and my wife was renting at the time and struggling to make ends meet. I work full time, make a good wage and endure a lot of stress at work. My wife works part time one day a week. We seem to be quite sexist as far as house duties are concerned. Lawns, maintenance, pool cleaning, fixing stuff, unclogging drains or anything that might raise a sweat is my domain. Cleaning, washing and cooking is hers. This is a generalisation as I do cook or do dishes from time to time and my wife will occasionally weed the garden etc.
Our personalities are similar in that we are both relatively quiet and not outspoken, have a similar sense of humour and enjoy similar tv shows and movies etc. My wife is very insecure as far as other women are concerned even though she is very attractive and slim herself. I understand this and I’m very loyal and assuring to her. She is uncomfortable with me watching any TV shows or movies that may contain any form of sexuality or nudity and anything suspicious will have to be screened by her first. This doesn’t really bother me and I consider this a minor sacrifice to keep my wife happy and reassured. However, a couple of years ago, she started to become obsessed with a male celebrity, watching countless youtube clips, recording anytime he appeared on TV, being a member of the fan club and forum etc. This didn’t really bother me at the time and I would just roll my eyes and think whatever. I did continually mention though that if the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way she would accept that type of behaviour from me. She knew that I wasn’t really the jealous type so she considered it ok. She went to a meet and greet day and finally met him and had photos with him. She even had one of these photos put on a shirt. She framed and decorated her favourite picture and put it alongside our family photos in a prominent part of the house. There were computer files outlining all the dates she could see him. She won a competition to meet him backstage and wore her shirt with their photo proudly. I was really getting sick of this until one day I just cracked it and tore up every photo, deleted every trace I could find on the computer. There was no room in our marriage for a childish crush on a celebrity. My wife, although she now understands it was wrong, still doesn’t forgive me for destroying her precious photo.
During this time, our sex life started to suffer. What used to be almost daily for the first 5 years, slowly diminished away to a couple of times a week and now only once or twice a month if I’m lucky. There is absolutely zero desire on her behalf. Our young son sleeps between us almost every night and recently we have slept in separate beds on a few occasions. I have confronted her about this countless times along the way and the usual excuses are that she’s exhausted, depressed or I don’t go about it the right way. For our first five years, the way I went about it was never a problem. We’d go to bed, I’d give her a foot and back massage, we’d make love. Everyone happy.
I have tried all sorts of approaches to try and fix our intimacy problems. I’ve taken her to the movies, gone out for dinner more often. She continually complains about being stuck in the house and being bored and having no excitement in her life. I ask her what she would find exciting and the only thing I can get out of her is that she needs a holiday. Unfortunately, our financial position just won’t allow for flying our entire family all over the place. We tried camping a few times years ago as a cheap escape which I and our younger kids enjoy but it just isn’t good enough for my wife. Recently I have been trying to do more overtime at work so I can put some money away for a holiday but the rate we are going, it will be another year before we have enough saved away. We had a big fight a couple of weeks ago when she woke up on her work day and just didn’t feel like going to work, so she didn’t. I have been working my bum off doing additional overtime to try and keep up with all the bills and trying to put a little bit extra away and she can’t even be bothered to go to work. We argued about this for days.
There are of course, other reasons behind all our problems. Blending families has always been an issue for us. When we met, my eldest child and her child bonded well and formed a friendship. This left my youngest, losing attention from both her father and sibling. There has always been friction between my youngest child and my wife and we have had behaviour issues to deal with. There is also a big difference in rules between our children. My kids have one set of rules and hers have another (none). We fight about this constantly too and my wife does recognise that there is a problem but she loves her child too much to enforce punishment. So any punishment comes from me, which of course leaves her child resenting me despite the fact that it is me that pays her private school tuition and coughs up thousands to have her teeth fixed etc.
I know I have built up a one sided story here and I do have my share of shortcomings. At times, my wife may find it hard to get my attention, calling my name several times before I respond. It’s not because I don’t want to talk to her, sometimes I just get focused on what my mind is on at the time. I play sport a couple of nights a week to keep in shape and also as a social outlet instead of going to the pub with mates. Sometimes, I may not get home until midnight. My wife has always complained about this and I did cut back to once a week for a while but this year, she’s happy to see me out of the house more anyway. I’ve tried to encourage my wife to have her own social outlet and encourage her with new hobbies. I spent a lot of money on her last hobby that only lasted for a few weeks and is now collecting dust.
I have just reached the stage in my life where I am questioning if it’s all worth the effort. I still love my wife dearly and I know she still has feelings for me but I feel unwanted, used and abused. I crave to share some real intimacy where I don’t need to jump through hoops to get it, where it just comes naturally just because we love each other and want to make each other happy.
Sorry for the long winded post, but I would love to hear peoples opinions.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

You need to do what you feel is right in your heart. Myself, I take my commitments and my word seriously but I not sure that anyone other than myself would think this is working for me.


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

Thanks for your reply Ten Year Hubby.

I certainly do take my commitment seriously and to be completely honest, I would stay with my wife indefinately regardless of my happiness if I thought that was the best thing for my kids. But I do want my kids to be brought up around happiness as I was when I was young. At the moment, I feel the right thing to do would be to call it quits and start giving more of my attention to my kids. On the other hand, I know that if we separate, it will be permanent. If she decides that she wants me back later, it will be too late as I will have moved on and be unwilling to go back to an unhappy relationship. I just don't know when I should just give up all hope and say goodbye.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Aquila audax said:


> Thanks for your reply Ten Year Hubby.
> 
> I certainly do take my commitment seriously and to be completely honest, I would stay with my wife indefinately regardless of my happiness if I thought that was the best thing for my kids. But I do want my kids to be brought up around happiness as I was when I was young. At the moment, I feel the right thing to do would be to call it quits and start giving more of my attention to my kids. On the other hand, I know that if we separate, it will be permanent. If she decides that she wants me back later, it will be too late as I will have moved on and be unwilling to go back to an unhappy relationship. I just don't know when I should just give up all hope and say goodbye.


If you take your commitment and your kids future happiness seriously as you say, then there is no giving up.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

Another perspective is to set an example for your kids that to err is human and what is important is correcting mistakes as best you can and that sometimes short term pain is worth long term happiness.

If your kids grew up and were in the same situation you are in what advice would you give them?


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

We went for our first MC session which felt good to me. My wife on the other hand hardly spoke a word. The counsellor told her that she thinks she is depressed and needs to see a doctor about it. She refuses to go to a doctor and says it was hard enough for her to go to MC let alone expose all her problems to a doctor. I told her if she wont go see a doctor and help herself then I will not stick by to offer my support. I really want to help her if for no other reason than as the mother of my child, but how can I help someone that wont pick themselves off the floor to seek help.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Aquila,

People help other people who can't help themselves every day and you can do it too. The lady obviously has a problem and it looks to me like it's your responsibility (and your benefit) to get her treated and made well. I'm 100% sure you can talk her into it.


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