# Wife wants to move out pls. advise !!!



## natelo

Hi I have done a lot of research already my wife has bad feelings towards me I know whining crying and bagging does not work.
I spend entire weekend crying like a baby after our last talk because I really love her and I want her back! right now but she told me she wants to move out anyway and she said maybe one day we can start from beginning as friends again? today I have made extra research that prove me not to panic and totally accept that she wants to move out simply just let her go drop my weapon (show her white flag) she will wait until Christmas and move right around new year just to show our daughter good holiday time? its so sad but thru 
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Question if she really decides to leave its ok to tell her something like this "if you leave me and our home its only one way road you choose and I will hire lawyer" do you think this may change her mind and stopped her from moving because I think if she move the chances of our reunion will be weak...


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## jhult

Threatening anything at this time will only make matters worse. You are thinking the world is coming to an end right now, I understand as I am going through something similar. Just try to hold your head high and put on a good face in front of her and your daughter. 
If you want someone to love you back, you have to love them first. Do not tell her how much you love her, and do not grovel. It will only make things worse. Do little stuff for her and continue to be there for her if she needs you. As long as there is contact between you, there is a chance. However, you need to quickly find out how and why you drove her away and end the actions that caused it immediately.


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## Almostrecovered

some background?

what is she saying her reasons are? is it possible she having an affair?


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## YupItsMe

You to do the 180 which is described here in detail and is done for yourself but maks you more attractive to her and everyone else frankly including yourself. 

I suspect she is having an affair and you are in the way. Right now she wants to explore it. If that is not the case, you should have seen things coming along time ago and shouldnt be so surprised.

Offer some more background here so you get more insightful feedback


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## Thorburn

My friend do the 180. Twice in my life I was a mess like you. The last time was last year at the beginning of June 2010. After the discovery of an EA I was devastated and did all the common things a guy does, plead, beg, cry, etc. We got through it and it was hell. My wife showed remorse etc. Fast forward just under a year and now and all the signs are back. I will be posting my story when I am done replying to you in "Coping with infidelity" if you care to see my story. If I had to do it all over again I would have kept my emotions in check and just did the 180. It took alot of research, individual counseling, etc, to figure things out for me. I acted like a wussy and often times that is how we men respond (and it is normal). You need to get strong and take care of yourself and let her fall where she may. You are devastated and I am sorry to see you go through this. It is hard to get a proper grip on this, but my friend, for your well being, back up, do the 180 and try to get a grip on your emotions (as impossible as that may seem right now).


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## ArmyofJuan

natelo said:


> Question if she really decides to leave its ok to tell her something like this "if you leave me and our home its only one way road you choose and I will hire lawyer" do you think this may change her mind and stopped her from moving because I think if she move the chances of our reunion will be weak...


No, from her point of view this will look like a desperate attempt to manipulate her into staying. She has to want to come back on her own without your influence if there's a chance to R.

It's going to take time for her to miss you, a couple of months easily. During that time you need to focus on yourself, do things you normally wouldn't do if she was still around and DO NOT contact her. The less she knows about what you are doing (and what she is doing) the better.

She will come snooping around eventually when she see that you are not chasing her. Keep your distance if she does until she is practicality begging you to talk to her. She has to want to R worse than you for it to work, otherwise you run the risk of scaring her off by being needy.


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## that_girl

Dont' threaten. 

Just let her go.


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## Runs like Dog

If you mean it, mean it. Drop the hammer, burn the village.


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## This is me

180 is the answer. As hard as it is to do, you need to 180.


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## wife2

I agree on the 180, for some reason alot of us women make the stupid choice to go after what does not want us, so act like it dont bother u, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and handle ur bussiness, she may or may not want to stay but either way, u need to keep your self respect cuz in the end u have to be able to respect yourself.


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## natelo

natelo said:


> Hi I have done a lot of research already my wife has bad feelings towards me I know whining crying and bagging does not work.
> I spend entire weekend crying like a baby after our last talk because I really love her and I want her back! right now but she told me she wants to move out anyway and she said maybe one day we can start from beginning as friends again? today I have made extra research that prove me not to panic and totally accept that she wants to move out simply just let her go drop my weapon (show her white flag) she will wait until Christmas and move right around new year just to show our daughter good holiday time? its so sad but thru
> -
> Question if she really decides to leave its ok to tell her something like this "if you leave me and our home its only one way road you choose and I will hire lawyer" do you think this may change her mind and stopped her from moving because I think if she move the chances of our reunion will be weak...


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## natelo

Thanks for all your support you are great and i'm so happy that someone is helping me! your suggestions are so valuable! 
right now still did not change much in our situation even after I told her with my confidence to move out and I feel comfortable with her decision moving out and I just want you to be happy I will do anything for you and support you but the truth is doesn't work she is still cold and not changed.
180 you mention i think is good to try but how I can do it if im stock with our daughter all afternoons and nights. I have to work till 3 or 4 pm only having my own company makes me flexible on work schedule. When she works 9-4 and after leaves for internships 6-4am only day she's off is saturday i would love to try 180 just dont know how


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## natelo

180 i like that this may work just dont know how to start?


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## natelo

I would love to get a full story thanks for your post sounds promising!


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## natelo

hey one think I was able to figure out is that she's definitely have strong support from someone i may know or not, neither male of her female best friend her best friend 2 years ago cant get pregnant or stay pregnant to have child she had miscarriage or something? she was desperate and one time she ask my wife to somehow get pregnant clinically and give baby for her so my wife denied I was shocked how she even came up with this idea? and their friendship was bad for a longer while but back then our relationship was good now they are two best friends again they spend hours on the phone talking and texting and if I told my wife that i dont like her being in lovely relationship with her super girlfriend she throw fit and after all that everything was going bad she started to connecting all pass our bad moments my mistakes bad words all together etc. and that possibly build her up and being in love with her bad feelings. Now I think someone must be working on her to leave me, but not necessarily she is in any relationship and I can only hope that she not but if I find she is cheating I'm done with her then I want to be the one to leave her and divorce how can I trust her now or later anyway?, this morning I start to gently screeched her neck and said wake up we have to take our 6 year old to school she respond don't touch me! then she screamed at our doughtier that she is slow instead help her dressed so she can be on time in school, later I ask for a kiss when go to work she replied just leave now,(no kiss of course) that boost my anger now im so upset! If somehow I find she's cheating I will never be able to trust her again our marriage is sexless anyways, and all this today gives me a good reason to turn 180 im done doing a nice thinks for her because that turns her even more careless!
what do you think?


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## sadcalifornian

You should snoop like crazy. Put VAR in the house and in her car. Also, check her cell phone and the past records for strange calls. Her behavior seems awfuly close to that of someone in affair. Even if it is not an affair with an opposite gender, you still must find out who is manipulating her to break up the family.


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## natelo

:scratchhead:Tonight I checked her phone logs... I know that is not nice but somehow I have to do my research, and she knows I have an access to this after I called customer service to change myself to be primary account holder because for some reason she was the one as primary even if the all the bill are on me? but anyways so when they change we both received confirmation via text... tonight on the log I found lots of numbers she exchange calls and texting, the longest conversations are her best friend and text massages, witch is ok i mean I don't care everyone needs friends, I found another number that right away that bring my attention another so popular number that she talk and text I mean constant a day and night massages incoming and outgoing I called this number to check with anonymous number voicemail turned on with as....e sounded male voice... I know she is where he is now because he is the guy where she does her night internships everyday I had nothing to loose like text her with question? "who do you text all the time are you in relationship with him?" Her answer was, "I text with my friends and im not in relationship with anyone and if you keep accusing me I will stop answering your questions i told you im doing this for me and I wanna be alone" is that mean she is with someone? its hard to believe her but i'm confused now?
anyways its a mess im so tired of this! good think is i'm going on vacation with my friends in a week from now but i don't know whats next..... Also I came out with a Christmas gift for her its a photo album with pictures of us together as a family i will have this assembled by local scrapbook place anyone advise on this idea in this horrible time?


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## sadcalifornian

Obviously, if she is indeed in an affair, she won't admit to it. Besides, she already set her mind up to leave you anyway. Find out if the guy is married. If so, contact his W or GF to share all the info. 

Do not confront her accusing of A anymore. She won't tell you squat. You must find out the solid evidence on your own. Use keylogger and VARs. You can also place GPS tracker in her car. So, she does work with him, heh? Is there someone else at the place who may be aware of their interaction that you can contact discreetly? 

I know a case on infidelity forum where the BH placed a small VAR in WW's purse and got the indisputable evidence. Try everything.


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## natelo

should I talk to her best friend about it im sure she knows?


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## sadcalifornian

I guess any lead should be explored. But, wouldn't she tattle it to your W? Is she someone with a good character?


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## natelo

she seems to be honest but she will protect my wife so i dont know?


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## sadcalifornian

This gets tricky. You already raised suspicion on your W that you may be onto her. That is of course if she is indeed in an affair. However, assuming she is in an A, what you don't want is to alarm your W enough for her to take the A deeper underground. Or, she may even decide to stall the interaction with OM completely until she moves out. 

Personally, I would try other snooping techniques first. But, then again, this is a borderline call, and it is yours to make.


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## natelo

I had a talk with her best friend affair or cheating is not the case I chilled down after our conversation she said unless her best friend dont know about it? but i think she's right anyway i know my wife to, she said my wife needs to be on her own for the reason she lost her feelings and dont believe in good and happy marriage for now she needs some lesson from life like working hard and paying her bills and be independent, before she never have to work i paid for everything she wants i work hard but make enough money to cover all expenses, and I cant stop her if she can prove to herself that she don't need me and she can afford her place to live alone and make herself happy and seeing me happy she may consider to move back one day but how long this will take who knows I wish she can return now but its nothing I can do so the internships she does is to also to make money by doing job for someones shifts so she takes any open opportunity to make money for her moving plan and that is somehow understandable but WHY?


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## sadcalifornian

Well, whatever action you take or how far you take it is your decision. However, if there is A, there is a good chance her BF is already in on it. Assuming still this being the case, you would be advised to continue snooping. VARs, keylogger, etc... Just to be assured. 

However, if you do believe her words to be the case, then so be it. Who knows your W is really trying to find herself? I mostly hang around in Infidelity forum, so naturally my mind tends to focus on the possibility of A. From many similar cases I dealt with, this one still shows some signs of possible A, despite your W's BF's assurance it is not. Just to let you know. Better safe than sorry, I guess.


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## aug

VAR = voice activated recorder

Get a couple. Tape or velcro one under the car seat. Put another one someplace where she usually talks.

Be patient.


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## ing

i am sorry you are going trough this. 
Have you been told:
I love you but I am not in love with you?
I just need some space right now?
I think of you like a family member?
Day and Night texts to one number.. hmmm
has this come on rather suddenly?

If this is an affair and I am sorry to say it looks like one, you must act quickly.

Emotional Affairs very quickly escalate to Physical affairs and then separation and divorce. 

One thing you must know. While she is talking to you . She is lying, I know this is horrible to hear but this is typical for someone in an affair and she will also say the most horrible things to you.

Follow the 180 now. this is to protect you, not get her back. It sometimes has the effect of bringing the WS back to you ,but don't assume it will. You must start letting her go now The most effective way is to lovingly detach. 

Generally agree with her about anything she says about the marriage and the relationship.
Wish her well in her new life while at the same time expressing some sadness at her CHOICE.

Do not leave your home under any circumstances. If she wants to leave. She must leave.


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## natelo

Thank You! I started 180 without acting i'm always myself im doing it because im seriously pissed so my behavior is real. Today I turned my cell phone off and left the house without telling where im going and what time im planing to come back she called 16 times when I checked her call logs i also found she talk and text all her friends probably about my behavior, I know for her is very important that I'm home so I can stay with child and she can leave to do her routine internships where she possibly cheating on me! im ok with her moving out i don't care anymore neither if she's got somebody or not tomorrow I will be working to secure my own bank account so in worst case I have a money for a lawyer! I cannot trust her anymore since she is hiding her stupid phone so much, so now i have to take some brutal steps whatever happens! What a nightmare before Christmas Im so angry cant sleep, eat, concentrate on work and have constant headaches.


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## natelo

no way i can trust my wife anymore i feel so sad specially for our blessed daughter everyone loves our child she is so beautiful and so smart ...


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## lordmayhem

It's clear English isn't your first language, and there isn't a single PERIOD in your whole long paragraph. So it's very hard to understand your story.



natelo said:


> I had a talk with her best friend affair or cheating is not the case I chilled down after our conversation she said unless her best friend dont know about it?


Is this the toxic friend that you mentioned earlier? If so, then this TF is enabling her affair. Yes, its an affair, and you're in denial.



natelo said:


> but i think she's right anyway i know my wife to, she said my wife needs to be on her own for the reason she lost her feelings and dont believe in good and happy marriage


Of course this TF is going to tell you that your WW needs to be on her own, she's been enabling your WWs affair.



natelo said:


> for now she needs some lesson from life like working hard and paying her bills and be independent, before she never have to work i paid for everything she wants i work hard but make enough money to cover all expenses, and I cant stop her if she can prove to herself that she don't need me and she can afford her place to live alone and make herself happy and seeing me happy she may consider to move back one day but how long this will take who knows


Ah, so she's a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) for the most part and you've been providing 100% for all her expenses. In effect, you've been subsidizing her affair. Yes, cut off all her access to any accounts, credit cards, etc. She needs to feel the loss. You are only her provider to her. Let this OM provide for her, but he will eventually dump her. Stop paying her bills.



natelo said:


> I wish she can return now but its nothing I can do so the internships she does is to also to make money by doing job for someones shifts so she takes any open opportunity to make money for her moving plan and that is somehow understandable but WHY?


You need to do the 180, the link is in my signature. Let her go.


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## Heather858

some background?

what is she saying her reasons are? is it possible she having an affair?


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## natelo

Yes english is my 2nd language, sorry for mistakes.
besides she give me many reasons that i always pick on her cell phone and make comments on what her friends texting, that the dinner meet was not good and told her not to buy it anymore, that i was by the table with dinner and had no fork so did not get myself and she had to give it to me, that i control her with spending money, that i said it my home because im the one that work for it so i have done a lot of damage in pass but back then i my age was in lower 20s and not to serious about live and marriage I said some thinks without thinking what to say first I see myself guilty! Now im lower 30s
and much smarter and responsible we have a daughter together its my number one in my life along with wife, i still dont know if she leaving because she have someone to support her moving or she is just sick of me because the passed? but i can clearly tell the things have changed when she starts her school 1st and then internships later so yes she is not home she is doing work for 90h per week maybe have no time for other or any relationship maybe she wants to prove to her own that she can do it and then thinking if we can try back from the beginning. Now im not sure if i should cut her from the bank account because in pass she complain that she wants to work on her own and make enough money to pay for her rent without my help? but she's leaving 
for sure she work entire year to do prepare for takeoff so I should not support her with with my money? I tried to stop her so much but I cant so I don't know what to do if cheating is not the case don't know if my 180 will do the job? i dont know how to behave myself anymore if im clearly letting her go I have to take her credit cards bank account saved money because I cannot trust her in 100%


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## natelo

She does not have anyone, we had a honest talk today, shortly main reason she lost her feelings she need to be away shes not happy now and for the past few years we have to be separated that is the only way she can see now, she may consider to come back. We have to start as friends again just like when we met, I agreed to everything. Also told her I finally understand that there is no one behind this and also im sorry for all damage I have done to her and now separation is the consequence. Also I said lots of other nice things, She looks more happy now, She don't know for how long she will be gone and if we ever will be together again? Maybe depends on my behavior and only positive thinking and to be for her when she needs me I love her. What is the chance we will be together in one home? Anyone heard any related case like that? Now when im so ready and grown to be in marriage she is leaving.


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## natelo

:iagree:
PEOPLE! dont get fool 100% Lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
She was cheating 100% divorce is on the way terrible pain to child
thank you for all your help all of you was right about that.
I got detective video ill will show to our daughter one day when she gets old enough. I'm the bad guy? hell no!


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## Shaggy

I'm glad you finally know the truth. Now you need to kick her out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3

natelo said:


> :iagree:
> PEOPLE! dont get fool 100% Lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> She was cheating 100% divorce is on the way terrible pain to child
> thank you for all your help all of you was right about that.
> I got detective video ill will show to our daughter one day when she gets old enough. I'm the bad guy? hell no!


natelo - so what changed between today and the last you wrote? i thought you were conceding to early in the game. glad you know now. Please share the details so others may learn from your experience!


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## the guy

Thank god you had enough sense to hire a detective. Now you know what you are really dealing with and can move on.
Have you confronted your STBXW?

Now it's time to become the man you want to be. Now you can smile at your wife knowing she is the weak one who was not strong enough to be truthful to you and had to be decietful.

Sure, you weren't the perfect husband and yes you had problems in your marriage, but she is the one that has problems with her self that only she can fix.

Both of you a responseable for an unhealthy marriage. She alone is responsable for having a bad character. You my friend have nothing to do with her character and how she wants to live a life of deciet.

She can lie to her self and blame her unhealthy behavior on a bad marriage, but it was her choice to be an adultoress, just like it could have been her choice to divorce you before she became a dishonorable women.


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## kenn

The 180 wouldn't work on my wife, cause she is different. She always said that she would never beg a man to come back to her. Especially when we are separated by 725 miles. She would and/or feel that I was doing ok without her and she would go on without me. And yes I too tried being nice to her before I left (she told me to leave, wish I had never left now), and she would yell and scream at me. And her favorite saying "If you don't like it, their's the door". I heard it for the last 11 years.


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## Dadof3

kenn said:


> The 180 wouldn't work on my wife, cause she is different. She always said that she would never beg a man to come back to her. Especially when we are separated by 725 miles. She would and/or feel that I was doing ok without her and she would go on without me. And yes I too tried being nice to her before I left (she told me to leave, wish I had never left now), and she would yell and scream at me. And her favorite saying "If you don't like it, their's the door". I heard it for the last 11 years.


she sounds more man than you are


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## kenn

Sometimes she is, but the point is, if your in a marriage, you work things out. 50/50 remember. Read my post "Bionic Penis"


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