# Breaking the silence



## debs (Jun 13, 2011)

I need advise.
I have been with my partner for nearly 11 yrs with a 2 year seperation. we have been back livng together for just over a year. I wont go into all the past problems as it will take days.

We are not married (he has never asked me) but have both been married before. He has quite a few issues mainly ADHD, excesive gambling problems and uncontrolled anger issues. All of which he denies apart from ADHD which has been prof diagnosed. When he 'loses' it he tells me its because i provoked him and that i am abusive so he wont go for councelling but will go with me for me to get help. My familly and friends all disagree with him that i am an abusive person.

My immediate problem is silent treatment. For me it is a cruel form of mentle and emotional abuse and i dont know what else to try to prevent is or break the silence when it happens.

Everytime there is any kind of confrontation or dissagreement between us (which is often) he goes into an uncontrolled rage. There is no logic or reasoning with him and any attempt just makes him worse.

He becomes extemely hurtful, cruel and vulgar. He starts falsly accusing me and lying about me to me. This sends me into a paniced frenzy of trying to explain, defend and prove myself.

I know this is wrong and try not to do it and have learnt to leave the house and get away from him until he calms down. Otherwise i will also spiral down into some one i dont like and become a physical and emotional wreck.
When i do return to the house, the silent treatment starts.

If i try and speak to him a few hours later in an attempt to sort the problem out and share how i am feeling and my side of the story, he either shuts me down or it just escelates into another rage of false accustions, insults and lies.

Alternitively, I give him his space and remain silent myself to prevent anymore of the above cycle.

Eventually i cant take anymore (it can go on for weeks) so i go and visit my married daughter who lives 2 hrs away. I stay for a week or so and then return home. The silent treatment is then broken and everything gets swept under the carpet and nothing is solved. Obviously, eaach time this happens there is another wedge between us until now there is hardly anything left between us at all. 

I dont know how else to stop the cycle. What am i doing wrong? and what else can i do or try? Please advise


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

debs said:


> I dont know how else to stop the cycle. What am i doing wrong? and what else can i do or try? Please advise


Move out permanently and find someone else.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Especially given you aren't married, why do you enjoy living in this arrangement? It sounds brutal.

I think you were on the right track when you left the house but the mistake was coming back.  You deserve better.

If you really did want to stay, I would insist he get help with his issues as they are not going to go away on their own.


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

what did the councellor say when you went together, surely they must have brought a few issues up.
there is no point been treated like a door mat here, 11 years is hard to walk away from, but for your own health you need a clean brake and a new start, give yourself time to heal. you need it


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why do you even stay? Seriously. You aren't married...he doesn't respect you...so, what is the draw to stay?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Sometimes when I read situations like this, I often wonder if its not so much about WHY the person you are with acts the way they do, but more so WHY you feel the need to stay in the situation? You need to ask yourself that question and be honest about it. If its love, that doesn't sound like a healthy kind of love.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He sounds awful.

What's your payoff? People don't stick with people this bad unless there's a payoff somewhere for themselves. To say "I love him" is cliche. I'm hoping it's something more than that because I see no redeeming qualities in the person you describe here.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You should write him a letter every time. It may take time to sink in. But remember while youre gone he will be able to take it in better.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Without any other commitments involved, I also have to ask Why Stay?

What is most disturbing is the anger issue. Please go before something happens to you


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I thought this website was called Talk About Marriage. Something is missing here.


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Debs: I read your story and tears welled up in my eyes - as this could be my story too. Like your partner my husband of 9 years acts just like that when we have an argument. Although it happens less and less now I have come to distain the "silent treatment" - it is such an immature way to handle your emotions and I think it proves they have very poor communication skills. 

In the beginning I made excuses for my husband and told myself that's just how he handles things and I need to give him space/distance and respect that is how he deals with issues. Now I realize it really is their lack of coping and communication skills why they do that. To shut down emotionally, withhold love on purpose to hurt your partner - it's a form of abuse. It's just one more way he can hurt you and trust me he knows very well how much it bothers you.

The bigger question is what do you do about it. I do the 180 and eventually he starts warming up again - the more of the 180 I do the faster he seems to come back to reality. It's hard when you are dealing with someone else's emotional baggage.....to be honest I'm still trying to make those tough decisions myself. 

I think people are correct in that you should leave - it's a distructive relationship and you could lose years being stuck in it. When I think of all the time lost with his "silent treatment crap" when we could have been supporting and loving each other....it's just plain sad. In my case if I had to ask myself those tough questions like why stay? What's the payoff? In marriage there are good moments and bad moments. If I was being brutally honest with myself, I would have to say that I have insecurities about being alone which I really am trying to work on....when you can master that.....u will leave him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Debs.

Your situation is very dear to my heart because I have lived it before. Your relationship is very unhealthy. Your partner is passive aggressive and has an immature way of resolving (or "not" resolving matters). Notice he never takes the blame for anything and pins it all on you, going as far as to tell he he won't get counselling alone or with you, but will go so you can get it for yourself (my ex said the same thing).

Habitual silent treatments and insulting you as punishment is emotional abuse. 

You have been with him for 11 years so you know he will never change unless he commits to stopping the behavior (first, admitting there is somethinig wrong with the beavior, and gets help. 

He doesn't want that because he doesn't see it as wrong.

Him rug-sweeping the issue isn't going to resolve it either.

What resolved it for me was leaving. I had told him a thousand times it was not ok for him to ignore me for days/weeks/month on end, that itresolved nothing. I would literally be crying in front of him asking (begging) him to go to MC with me, telling him how hurtful his behavior was. He would look at me with total disdain and tell me to move out of his way and continue on the silent treatment. This is not love. This is hatred. And like yours, he had major anger issues. Like your guy, my ex refused counselling. He didn't think anything was wrong--he would blame everyone but himself for ignoring/silent treatments. And then when he was ready to talk, he'd turn it off and act as if something ever happened. This is not ok. It's toxic. Healthy people communicate, or at least try to resolve their issues. Healthy people can admit to wrongdoing and want to better themselves. 

That is not your guy. 

My ex husband's final silent treatment lasted over a m onth and a half when I moved out. 

The silence was so loud in our home. I didn't even want to go home sometimes. I had to leave in order to save myself.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

I agree with Jellybeans

It's a toxic relationship and it probably won't get better.

My husband of almost 20 years is passive aggressive, but I only realized it this past year. 

Every time I would talk to him about our issues, he would say NOTHING...not a word. I had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. If I tried to talk again, he would get annoyed. 

I just thought he was quiet. Talk about having my head in the sand...

Recently, I didn't take him sitting there silently as acceptable and pushed for his thoughts. I was floored when I found out he NEVER said what he really thought, that he's been dismissing me in his mind and also punishing me in sneaky ways. Ugh, don't even know how to label my husband's behavior. I guess he thought, because he was always silent during our discussions (what a joke), that it would spare him as being seen as the bad guy. 

It's an awful way to live


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## debs (Jun 13, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your replies. It really helps to off load this stuff and get feed back. And yes i have questioned myself over and over as to why i stay in this distructive relationship.

Its like i am living with 2 diff men, one being a monster. For years i have tried to work out what sets the monster off. Then i think "Ive got it. I wont do or say that anymore" . Now there are so many things i cant do or say and it still doesnt stop him. I might even be just the way i say something that sets him off.

I know the tone of our voice can change when we are upset etc and i know it can vastly change what we are trying to express. so i try really hard to be aware of this especially if i want to approach him with and issue. I practise my words first, often even writing them down to keep me focused. nothing seems to stop him from exploding.

Its not all bad though. There is another side to him that is kind, helpful and very generous. Although it is my belief that he tries to buy love and acceptance from everyone. Which is really sad. Even his children. I have tried to explain that there is more to being a parent and partner than providing financially. ( Even that caused an argument)

I suppose i stay for a number of reasons:

1. fear of going through life alone
2. better the devil you know. . . . 
3. financial worry and strain of being alone
4. questioning myself - Maybe it really is my fault like he says.
Maybe i did cause it?

When i try and explain to him how i am feeling and how things are affecting me, he loses is like i have just insulted him badly. He screams at me over and over that i am a dictating abusive bully.

Is it really wrong to defend myself and try and correct him when he falsly accuses me of saying, doing or even feeling something that i havent? Because if i do I am sure the devil himself appears. And the cycle begins.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Debs, prhaps you need to seek counseling to find out why you can't walk away from a relationship that is bad

Your children are already living in a broken hme and theuy probably know it. Do you want them growing up thinking this is what a marriage is supposed to be? Is your relationship what you'd want for your daughter?

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT!

Do you have friends or family that could help you if you did leave? 

More importantly, has this man ever hit you? You deserve to be with someone who will treat you with love AND respect.

Please, get help and work on a plan to leave this man before he hurts you or your children. He needs help! You can't do it for him.


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## adlock (Feb 3, 2012)

debs said:


> 1. fear of going through life alone
> 2. better the devil you know. . . .
> 3. financial worry and strain of being alone
> 4. questioning myself - Maybe it really is my fault like he says.
> ...


Let's look at your fears:

1. Unlikely unless you choose to put yourself in that situation e.g. reject any and all new ppl, refuse to leave your house, etc. It may take time but it will happen

2. See #1, having companionship for the sake of a companion even if its a horrible person is a highly unhealthy way of thinking

3. Or, think of it as a way to motivate yourself into being financiall independent - retraining yourself, taking actions on your savings, budget etc, cutting out bad habits with money

4. I'm sorry but to put it bluntly the way you describe this guy he has three not just major red, but glowing neon red flags that say run away: Gambling problems, anger issues, emotionally abusive (silent treatment), then throw in ADD (not a bad trait per se but bad in this context). And yet you still question if its all your fault?
He sounds like he may have borderline personality disorder traits as well.

You've described many cycles, yet you choose to believe each time it will be different. Why? 

I agree with above posters, get individual counseling, start focusing on yourself. And run away. Fast.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

Excuse my rambling, just a stray thought. It seems us men and women end up with the wrong partners ;~) I mean there are so many men on this forum that got kicked to the curb for no reason at all, and yet there are plenty of women that stay with men that treat them terribly for years. It all seems so terribly pointless in the end.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I have a sister who was many years ago diagnosed paranoid/schizophrenic. During the early years of the diagnosis, I asked her doctor why it is not possible to make her see reason (concerning her delusions, hallucinations, and other manifestations of the disease). She is an extremely intelligent person, so I thought surely it would be possible to talk sense into her. The doctor told me there was only one way to handle someone with mental disorders, and that is with medication.

I am willing to wager that 80 percent (probably more) of the women on this board come here with complaints exactly like yours with only very slight variations. The biggest question is why women are so willing to be treated this way. But to address the complaint itself, the only answer is medication. There is no fixing him that anyone on this board can help you with, Deb. We have no idea what you can do to change HIM because there IS NO changing him. We can only tell you what YOU should do, which is to leave and stop submitting and subjecting yourself to his abuse.

There are so very many mental and behavioral disorders and diseases that I cannot possibly remember them all, but it is safe to say there is absolutely no cure for any of them. Medication is normally prescribed to change/influence behaviors and reactions in the person, and medication has to be taken forever because it is only useful when it is taken. The behaviors you describe in your boyfriend usually fall into two categories: narcissism and/or borderline personality. (There may be a third but like I said, I don't remember.) What this boils down to is he needs someone to abuse, and being abusive is the real him. All the niceness you experience from him is only to dupe you into sticking around for the cruelty. Yes, that means you were targeted and you did and continue to fall for his charming charades.

The only thing I don't understand is why there has never been a diagnosis for the women like you who put up with these abusive men. Surely there has to be some kind of disorder that explains why anyone wants to be treated so badly and constantly creates all kinds of excuses for staying. In my book, there is no reason under the sun to constantly sacrifice myself to what is so lamely referred to as love. The only thing close to a diagnosis has been that these women have low self esteem, but it seems to me there must be more to it because I find it too hard to believe that the majority of women on earth suffer from low self esteem. Surely there is another element that has yet to be determined. 

From my observations in real life and from the many boards like the forums on this site, it seems to me the majority of men are abusive and the majority of women are more than willing to stay and be abused. I know that statement is going to cause a lot of resentment and backlash, especially from the guys, but it is true and I don't mean to offend anyone (although taking offense is part of these disorders, as described by the OP of this thread and all the others like it). Like I said, there are so many mental and behavioral disorders, it can only be concluded that more people suffer one or more disorder of some kind than there are those who might be considered normal or free from mental/behavioral disorder of any kind. But of them all, none address the distinct personalities of the women who seem to enjoy being abused. They must enjoy it. What else could explain their inability to leave and get away from it? Just like the OP of this thead, not one woman has ever posted how she tries to talk herself into leaving, only the many reasons she gives for staying. If the psychiatric community would only address this phenomena, there might be a medication developed to control the masochistic urges of women.

Please read this link to help you understand your boyfriend.
Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong

And this link might help you understand yourself


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I suppose i stay for a number of reasons:
> 
> 1. fear of going through life alone
> 2. better the devil you know. . . .
> ...



1. Do you really think he's the best you can do? HE is the only one in the world that would ever value you as a person?

2. Again, do you think HE is the best you can do? The unknown is worse in your mind than he is?

3. Financial dependence is a sad reason to tolerate abuse. If he beat you a few times a week would you still feel this way? I'd rather live with a stranger.

4. You don't have anything to do with the lack of control he has with his temper. You don't control him, HE controls him. He can make his own decisions about how he will and will not react to any situation. Personally, someone that professed to have so many problems with me would make me want to go in the other direction, not figure out why and try to fix it. There's just no pleasing some people. That's not about me, that's about them.

You have such a low opinion of yourself, you think somehow this life is what you've earned and you're stuck with it. Well it's not. It's what YOU CHOOSE. Every day you choose to put up with this because you don't think you deserve any better. He's the best you can do, and he's better than nothing.

You don't have to stay. You don't have to be with him. He's like a poison to your very being. He's killing you off slowly every single day you stay. That's what a toxin does.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Debs, the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal abuse, icy withdrawal, Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde transformations, emotional instability, lying, irrational arguments, lack of impulse control (e.g., excessive gambling), very controlling nature, and blame-shifting -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

Whether those traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD is a determination that only a professional can make. This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags, i.e., strong occurrences of such traits. There is nothing subtle about traits such as emotional instability, inability to trust, and temper tantrums. Hence, given your 11 year history with him, it should be easy for you to spot the red flags for such traits. 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur. I therefore suggest that you read more about them so you know what to look for.


debs said:


> He has quite a few issues ... all of which he denies apart from ADHD which has been prof diagnosed.


A recent psychiatric study (2006) concludes that "In adulthood between 65–89% of all patients with ADHD suffer from one or more additional psychiatric disorders, above all mood and anxiety disorders, substance use disorders and personality disorders...." See European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, Volume 256, Supplement 1 - SpringerLink. In that same issue of the journal, another study states, "ADHD in childhood has been reported to be highly associated with the diagnosis of BPD in adulthood and adult ADHD often co-occurs with BPD." See European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, Volume 256, Supplement 1 - SpringerLink.


> Its like i am living with 2 diff men, one being a monster.... There is another side to him that is kind, helpful and very generous.


It is common for the partner of a BPDer (person with strong BPD traits) to complain that she feels like she is living with a person who is half-way to having a multiple personality disorder. Like you, I felt that way when living with my exW for 15 years. 

This Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde behavior arises from the BPDer's practice of doing black-white thinking. It is most evident in the way he often uses all-or-nothing expressions such as "I always..." and "you never...." It also is evident in the way he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad," i.e., as "with me" or "against me." Moreover, he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor infraction or idle comment. And, as you've seen many times with your BF, merely using the wrong tone of voice is sufficient to cause him to flip from adoring you to hating you.


> For years i have tried to work out what sets the monster off. Then i think "Ive got it. I wont do or say that anymore." . Now there are so many things i cant do or say and it still doesnt stop him.


Your constant efforts to avoid triggering his anger are what is called "walking on eggshells." This is how the partners of BPDers behave all the time. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to those partners) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> When he 'loses' it he tells me its because i provoked him and that i am abusive so he wont go for counseling but will go with me for me to get help.


This blame-shifting is called "projection." Because a BPDer's emotional development was frozen at about age 3 or 4, he never learned the mature ways to defend his fragile ego. He therefore is stuck having to rely on the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children. These include denial (i.e., lying), projection (i.e., "Sis did it"), magical thinking, black-white thinking, and temper tantrums.

Of those primitive defenses, the one that BPDers rely on most frequently is projection because, unlike lying, they can fully escape feeling guilty when doing projection. This is so because projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, allowing the conscious mind to actually believe that the projection is true. This is why, if you decide your BF has strong BPD traits, you should not tell him. If you do, he almost certainly will project the allegation right back onto you -- and he will be convinced that YOU are the one having the strong BPD traits.


> Every time there is any kind of confrontation or disagreement between us (which is often) he goes into an uncontrolled rage.


If he is a BPDer, he has been carrying an enormous amount of anger and shame inside since early childhood. Because the anger is always there right under the skin, you don't have to do a thing to CREATE it. Rather, you only have to do or say some trivial thing to TRIGGER a sudden release of the anger that is already there. This is why temper tantrums and hissy fits are a hallmark of BPDers. Essentially, you are witnessing the behavior of a four year old who has the intelligence, knowledge, cunning, and body strength of a full grown adult man.

As to his temper tantrum being "an uncontrolled rage," that really is not true. If he is a BPDer, he is able to control the anger but _chooses not to_. Granted, he does have much more difficulty than other people in controlling his _emotions_. He nonetheless is able to control the way in which he chooses to act on those emotions. 

If you doubt this, you can prove it to yourself the next time he is in the middle of a furious "out-of-control" rage. All you have to do is pick up the phone and call the police. As soon as they knock on the front door, you will see your BF transform -- in ten seconds -- into the calmest, most rational person you've ever seen. Like I said, BPDers have the ability to fully control their actions. Like young children, they refuse to do so only when they know they can get away with it.


> My immediate problem is silent treatment. For me it is a cruel form of mental and emotional abuse....


Although BPDers usually "act out" by directing their anger outward, they sometimes will switch to "acting in" by directing the anger inward. During those times, you will not witness the raging and temper tantrums and verbal abuse. This does not mean, however, that you will escape being punished. Rather, it only means that the punishment takes the form of cold withdrawal and passive-aggressive icy remarks. (Indeed, a small portion of BPDers do the "acting in" exclusively and rarely act out -- they are called "quiet BPDers.")


> There is no logic or reasoning with him and any attempt just makes him worse.


It is impossible to have a calm, rational discussion with a BPDer on any sensitive matter -- and, as you've seen, all important matters are sensitive. This is because you are always just ten seconds away from triggering his rage and, as soon as that occurs, you are left trying to reason with the four year old that is now in charge of his mind. 

Granted, there are rare exceptions to this. They are called "moments of clarity." They are those rare times when the BPDer can sit down calmly and talk about his mistakes and deficiencies. In the 15 years I lived with my exW, I saw that happen maybe 5 or 6 times. Yet, no matter what is said during those clear moments, it will be washed aside in a few days -- if not a few hours -- by the next emotional tide flooding through his mind.


> I dont know how else to stop the cycle. What am i doing wrong?


As all the other posters have said, what you are doing wrong is that you keep returning to the relationship. Because you are an excessive caregiver like me, you mistakenly believe that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore him to that wonderful human being you saw at the beginning. 

That is an impossible task, Debs, because he is the only person who can change his behavior -- and he has no incentive to change as long as you remain by his side, allowing him to act like a spoiled four year old -- and KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT! 

You therefore are harming him by destroying any incentive he could have to confront his own issues and to learn how to control them. By always trying to calm him down and be his "soothing object," for example, you are destroying his incentive to grow up and learn how to do self-soothing (a skill the rest of us acquired in childhood).

Debs, if you are still hesitant to walk away from him, I suggest you
read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss the traits with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, Caregiver.


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## debs (Jun 13, 2011)

Oh my word. UPTOWN its like you have been living in my home. i am shaking from so many emotions. Thank you for helping me to see that i am not mad and my thinking not wrong. I have read so many books and been on so many web sites and you have just managed to put it so simply in a nut shell. Its so difficult to explain to anyone what happens.

I have even at times felt sorry for him because he cant controll his anger. i have blamed myself over and over because i must be doing something wrong to provoke a person to act in such a way. Iimmeiatly i thought of an incident that happened a few years ago when the children were still living at home....

I was drinking quite heavy at that stage (another chapter) but that particular night i wasnt, so i didnt bite or react to his rantings.  i was sitting alone outside and he kept opening the sliding door and going at me then going inside and closing it again. eventually i got up and tried to close the door and asked him to stop it because he was going to break the door. he lifted his hand, about to strike me. i told him that if he touched me again i would phone the police. The children were still living at home then (all teenagers). He called them outside, put his phone on loud speaker, and phoned the police. He told them that his and his boys life was in danger because of me and they must come and help.

I sat there speachless. he then left the house with him and his boys.

I have spoken to him about that incident since we have been back together and of cause he denies it and that i must have been drunk again.

I could go on and on and on boring you with horrible incidents. 

But thanks to you all. I now know the main reason why i come back.... he has convinced me that it is me that causes him to act the way he does and treat me with such hatred. I have believed for so long that if i can change, the situation will change. I did tell him that often....No matter how much i change, it still wont change your behaviour. But now i understand why. I still dont understand what he is going through but i know its not my fault anymore. 

Now the decision is what to do about it. Its so tempting to show him all of this but i knew from the start that i cant. All my readings that i have tried to share with him have only resulted in him reflecting it back on me. i even recieved a linked email from him today about living with an abusive partner.

I have told him many times that he is reflecting what i say to him back on me. He even uses the same words like he doesnt have any of his own.

When i went through my bad drinking stage, I knew and even told him that my drinking was his excuse for his bad behaviour. and I dont think he really wanted me to straighten myself out.
Now that i have stopped that cycle his cycle still continues. That i have also pointed out to him.

I think i am rambling now so i will stop. I am so excited and grateful. I have made an app with my GP and believe i am on the right track again.

Thank you all espesially UPTOWN x


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Debs, thanks for the kind words. I am glad to hear you found the BPD information useful.


debs said:


> I have made an app with my GP and believe i am on the right track again.


Yes, I believe you are on the right track now -- _but not yet out of the woods._ You likely are at risk of running right into the arms of another man just like the one you are leaving. I say this because, if you spent 4-5 years living with a BPDer, you are almost certainly are an excessive caregiver like me. 

If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the woman you already are). The result is that people like us are strongly attracted to folks who, being convinced they are victims, project a palpable sense of vulnerability ("catnip" to us). This makes us sitting ducks for BPDers. It's not that they hunt us down. Rather, it's that we keep walking past all of the emotionally available people (BORING!) until we find someone who desperately needs us. Significantly, BPDers are masters at projecting vulnerability.

I therefore encourage you to protect yourself by learning how to quickly spot the nine red flags for strong BPD traits. One excellent resource is the book (_Stop Walking on Eggshells) _I mentioned. Another is the link I provided to Maybe's thread on this forum. A third is the dozen articles you will find at BPDfamily.com. The best of those is T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. 

But please don't forget about us here at TAM, Debs. We want to keep helping as long as you find our input useful. Also, please give us updates in this thread if you have time to do so. Your shared experiences likely are helping many other members and lurkers.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> i have done so much research on bpd traits as u recommended.... i cant help feeliing so sorry for him. i dont think he can help it???? (Your 8/9/12 post.)


Debs, if your H has strong BPD traits as you suspect, yes, he can help it. He can seek therapy to learn how to manage his symptoms and become more emotionally mature. As long as you continue to walk on eggshells around him to avoid triggering his rage, he will have no incentive to confront his issues and learn how to manage them.

That said, I realize you are in a dangerous situation and live in fear of his physically abusive behavior. Given that your safety is paramont, it may be appropriate for you to continue walking on eggshells around him until you are able to get away from him. My point, then, is that having strong BPD traits does not give him an excuse for abusing you because he is perfectly capable of controlling his actions when he has an incentive to do so.

If you doubt that, simply call the police next time he is abusive and -- as soon as there is a knock on the front door -- you likely will see him transform (in ten seconds) into the calmest most rational man you've ever seen. So, yes, "he can help it," when he wants to do so.


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