# Just a touch...



## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

New here so, hello all. Excuse my babble.

My husband and I are newly married as of March. We have been together going on 5 years now. Happily parenting 2 dogs and his 14 yo daughter. I do not have any 2 legged kids of my own. I finally found my soulmate and at that time he did not want any more kids as 'at his age he didnt want to be retired and putting one through college'

But I guess theres a little frustration in my happiness, It seems more and more that our intimate encounters are few and far between. And then when they are, they are quick because of it, if you know what I mean. I try, in between, since it does seem to be a once a week, (twice a month) to be sure he orgasms in other ways so that when we do he lasts longer.

In my past relationships I can't ever remember being one who 'wanted' to be as intimate as I am now. I guess my husband just does it for me.. haha. I have tried to talk to him. I have asked if 'its me', if something going on or bothering him. I try to talk about it, try to work on it but not getting anywhere.

I have been told various things. That my depression is sometimes the reason, at which I feel like a turn-off. That its 'sometimes he just wants to snuggle on the bed' (perfectly fine). There is also the reasoning that because her performs so quick, at times he feels he is letting me down. Or he will tell me that he's more of a morning person and I should wake him, which obvioualy doesn't work when I am the first one up and waking him is like waking the dead. He's a stomach sleeper at that but in the lucky for him event he might get a BJ before I have to run. haha. I have asked even, why he won't perform oral activity and his reasoning is because of his sinuses, as I began to feel self conscious.

At least I can say, He has no issues staying satisfied.

I have tried explaining to him that as of late, I'm just happy to be involved for starters and glad to feel he might actually be interested. I have explained that sometimes even if he's not fully 'in the mood' a little foreplay could be nice. I have even asked. But he always gets his extra attention inbetween, For example, just about every night, he enjoys being rubbed on to unwind and relax, (and gets it). 

I try to be playful and flirty with him through the day, trying to send him messages to spark things up. Trying to hint at times. Hell, even sending him a playful list of turn-ons, that weren't all full sex involved, but foreplay, or how I could be satisfied some, as selfish as that may sound. He doesn't even as much as raise an eyebrow at it or respond. 

I am very selfless when it comes to this type of thing and as stated, even when he said to me he didnt want to have sex because he felt 'I didnt get mine' my reply was it wasn't about that but the fact that we were intimate together! That part was true. 

I believe that intimacy is an important part of a relationship/marriage. But, it should also be two sided. And as much as I keep saying, 'okay, so I will stop giving to him' well, that fails because, well I still can't do it. I am just attracted to him mentally and physically and my motors always running. 

Maybe I just need to let it go and let it be.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dgk2022 said:


> New here so, hello all. Excuse my babble.
> 
> My husband and I are newly married as of March. We have been together going on 5 years now. Happily parenting 2 dogs and his 14 yo daughter. I do not have any 2 legged kids of my own. I finally found my soulmate and at that time he did not want any more kids as 'at his age he didnt want to be retired and putting one through college'
> 
> ...


I did wonder if maybe he wasn't trying because he doesn't have to to be rewarded by you. But I'm sure it's not quite that simple, though certainly something to consider. To me, I suspect he has some erectile issues. I don't buy that his excuse is because you don't always get off. I think that's him not always able to perform. Not sure if you giving him bj's hoping to make him last longer is working, though it was worth a try. He may not be one of those guys who can do it more than once a day or something. 

He's not watching porn, is he? That will mess guys up in a variety of ways. 

Was he always like this, in the beginning? How old is he?


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

How was the sex between both you before marriage compared to after marriage?


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I did wonder if maybe he wasn't trying because he doesn't have to to be rewarded by you. But I'm sure it's not quite that simple, though certainly something to consider. To me, I suspect he has some erectile issues. I don't buy that his excuse is because you don't always get off. I think that's him not always able to perform. Not sure if you giving him bj's hoping to make him last longer is working, though it was worth a try. He may not be one of those guys who can do it more than once a day or something.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He doesn't watch porn, that I am aware of, unless he's hiding it but we have a pretty solid relationship on that, where I dont believe he is. It's not really his thing.



He just turned 49, and has been on testosterone pellets for his levels about 3 years now and his levels are good there. 



It wasn't always like this in the beginning. I could make jokes and say sex stops after marriage, but that's not the case, thats just my humor.



Not asking that he go more than once a day, but more than once a week or every other week as it used to be might be nice. 



I'm may just being an over thinking concerned wife. But, but its something I have talked on even before marriage and don't want to feel like a nagging wife when talking to him either. Not aure how else to approach the fact that 'we all have needs' in fairness. If this all makes sense?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dgk2022 said:


> He doesn't watch porn, that I am aware of, unless he's hiding it but we have a pretty solid relationship on that, where I dont believe he is. It's not really his thing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, you can't make someone have sex if they don't feel like it. It's not worth much if it's forced. Maybe you need marriage counseling to see if you can get to the bottom of why he isn't wanting sex. Of course, it does sound like he has low testosterone and maybe the pills aren't working well for him. He may have lost his attraction for you or something and not want to say it.


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, you can't make someone have sex if they don't feel like it. It's not worth much if it's forced. Maybe you need marriage counseling to see if you can get to the bottom of why he isn't wanting sex. Of course, it does sound like he has low testosterone and maybe the pills aren't working well for him. He may have lost his attraction for you or something and not want to say it.


Agree, and I certainly wouldnt ever forcefully attempt or make him or anyone.

Thanks for listening and the feedback.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So I cant tell you about his desire level. I'd be checking his phone for porn ....

But I don't understand why when he's quick he can't still participate and help you orgasm.

If he doesn't like oral then he can use toys, fingers and such.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The problem in this marriage and relationship is simple:

You know what a good sexual relationship is.
He might, but he does not care.

I guess this might be the reason he found himself single/divorced, and with a child?
Yes, no?

Um, could he be a closet gay man?

He sleeps on his stomach to keep his penis, safely away from you.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Dgk2022 said:


> New here so, hello all. Excuse my babble.
> 
> My husband and I are newly married as of March. We have been together going on 5 years now. Happily parenting 2 dogs and his 14 yo daughter. I do not have any 2 legged kids of my own. I finally found my soulmate and at that time he did not want any more kids as 'at his age he didnt want to be retired and putting one through college'
> 
> ...


I'm the same age as your husband and it started going downhill not too long ago. My wife and I have now set a schedule for 2x week and it works well. Often times we will do another one or two in between but sometimes not. The schedule gives me time to think about it, then I want it, otherwise, I'd rather watch a movie and chill but when I get it into my head, I'd rather do it. Not saying your husbands the same, but worth a try.


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

It's worth the suggestion. And as stated, nothing wrong with watching movies and chilling, sometimes you never know where that leads either.


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> The problem in this marriage and relationship is simple:
> 
> You know what a good sexual relationship is.
> He might, but he does not care.
> ...


He's divorced because his ex cheated on him, but well.. I suppose that could go hand in hand. _shrugs_



And, I do try to know what a good relationship is, sexual and otherwise. Seems I always care and believe that there should always be an effort. His thoughts are if it doesnt seem broke, dont fix it. 



Where I believe couples should always grow and continue to act as if they are dating each other and continue to learn each other even after marriage. Not become complacent, stale and act as just two people living together.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> The schedule gives me time to think about it, then I want it, otherwise, I'd rather watch a movie and chill but when I get it into my head, I'd rather do it.


We are much older. I will say it is use it or lose it. The more you do it the more you want more. We have had an intimacy schedule since our kids were small. Worked very well. If it is Afternoon it is playtime.



Dgk2022 said:


> He's divorced because his ex cheated on him, but well.. I suppose that could go hand in hand.


I believe you have your answer. He didnt take care of business so business went elsewhere.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

49 years old, newly married, and he only wants you once every other week? That’s not good for the long term. What is he going to be like as he gets older and the relationship goes into comfort mode? 

Are you both in decent physical shape? If not, that should be worked on. You’re already doing a lot to keep the fire going. He needs to at the very least, meet you halfway.


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> 49 years old, newly married, and he only wants you once every other week? That’s not good for the long term. What is he going to be like as he gets older and the relationship goes into comfort mode?
> 
> Are you both in decent physical shape? If not, that should be worked on. You’re already doing a lot to keep the fire going. He needs to at the very least, meet you halfway.


Yes, we are both physically fit. We bowl twice a week, and he plays hockey. 

He just says he "I just haven't been able to of late. I haven't wanted to or felt in the mood to and I have no real idea why." Thats all I get when I bring it up, so I dont know.

I even mentioned supplements for low libido and he shrugged it off, told him it wasn't to embarrass him but only to suggest based on what he has said.


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## TrailTrekker (10 mo ago)

My wife has a drive a little higher than I do. We’d be about the same, but life stresses and three busy teens don’t always make for romantic evenings.

You seem to be communicating your needs to your spouse. But are you only doing it in a suggestive or playful way? Maybe you need to light a fire and make it more of an issue. My wife is always good at letting me know it’s been too long. Getting a little upset about it and saying 2x a week or whatever your minimum is may be just the ticket.

I play hockey too, I think you’re trying to poke check the puck away, but he needs a full contact check. Let him know you mean business. Don’t get tossed in the penalty box tho …


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

TrailTrekker said:


> My wife has a drive a little higher than I do. We’d be about the same, but life stresses and three busy teens don’t always make for romantic evenings.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




So give don't the Gordie Howe Hat trick and be done with it? 🤣

(Adding a little humor, We are both hockey fans.. haha)


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## TrailTrekker (10 mo ago)

Ummm no the Gordie Howe is almost impossible … start with scoring once, maybe work up to a hat trick … 


Dgk2022 said:


> So give don't the Gordie Howe Hat trick and be done with it? 🤣
> 
> (Adding a little humor, We are both hockey fans.. haha)


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Dgk2022 said:


> New here so, hello all. Excuse my babble.
> 
> My husband and I are newly married as of March. We have been together going on 5 years now. Happily parenting 2 dogs and his 14 yo daughter. I do not have any 2 legged kids of my own. I finally found my soulmate and at that time he did not want any more kids as 'at his age he didnt want to be retired and putting one through college'
> 
> ...


When he gets 'rubbed on' every night by you, does he orgasm?


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> When he gets 'rubbed on' every night by you, does he orgasm?
> 
> Rare, but there are occasions where he has been close and I am told I 'need to stop or there will be a mess in the sheets' at which of course I us as opportunity if given the chance.
> 
> As of late, past couple weeks, he doesn't even seem to get the least bit aroused by it. I explained to him that he seems mentally and emotionally detached. I have asked if theres something going on with him being attracted to me, as he has stated I have lost 'too much weight without trying or always comments I need to eat a cheeseburger' etc. But he states nothing is going on and nothing has changed.


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

A little more update from the weekend:

I have been getting him to open up a little more the past couple day. He states its all 'something on the topic in general he's not or has ever been comfortable talking about to anyone, but more comfortable talking about with me. And it will take time.' I have to respect that to an extent. 



I have stopped with the being coy, playful and went straight to being blunt about it. He initially said he was trying by making sure he was holding me at night when we watched TV at which I realized he either is just playing oblivious or hes the dumbest smart engineer I know.. I do know men can only use one head at a time and all 



So, I got out the crayons and I spelled it out Done with the 'I'm just happy to be involved' to 'you do know, sometimes, once in a blue moon, I need to be turned on and maybe have an orgasm too, and I know you can do so even without sex' 


I'll let him process that. Part of it is he is so worried about saying the wrong thing or insulting or disrespecting me as a woman in any reply, by being 'dirty or open' I guess. 

All of your advice has been very helpful in helping me approach him and the situation and I greatly appreciate the feedback and insight.

I am working on getting to a happy medium for us both here. I know I have a higher drive in this relationship. Oddly enough, I wasn't like this before he and I as far as being/feeling as active. I guess when you have someone who gets your motor running that happens.. jk. This/He hasn't been like this the entire relationship though, I know its been asked, not sure I have answered, The lack of has started more recently.


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## Married12years (11 mo ago)

Dgk2022 said:


> New here so, hello all. Excuse my babble.
> 
> My husband and I are newly married as of March. We have been together going on 5 years now. Happily parenting 2 dogs and his 14 yo daughter. I do not have any 2 legged kids of my own. I finally found my soulmate and at that time he did not want any more kids as 'at his age he didnt want to be retired and putting one through college'
> 
> ...


Hey wish my wife was like you! Sounds like his confidence is shot. Orgasming too fast has him feeling like he let you down so he doesn't want to over time and makes excuses so he doesn't feel less of a man for not taking care of his wife. I wouldn't take ANY blame for this as his wife. Your trying and doing ac wonderful job. Try some cialis or the genetic version. This way after he cuts fast we will still be able to get hard and do round 2 or 3. Sorry your going through this. Your a champion of a wife.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Maybe he will try to be a little more forthcoming. If it's performance anxiety, it's just like walking a tightrope trying not to make it worse by keeping their mind on it and then feeling pressure. Sounds like he's already been to a doctor about it.


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