# Do you communicate with your spouse/SO well?



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Do you communicate well with your spouse/SO?

I find this one of the most very important aspects in a marriage. My husband and I communicate well. It did take a little practice at first for him to really listen and answer back at times. Now we both stop what we are doing and make frequent eye contact while conversing. 

We have mastered this important skill in our marriage and have become the best of friends in the process. My husband is a private person, but he has opened up to me fully with his thoughts and feelings at all times. I do the same.
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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think so. I try to make sure we have several hours (2-3) every day that we just sit together and talk, not involving things like TV, other people, etc. And we are always talking when we're together in the car, or walking around. We spend most of our time alone together when not at work, so we have plenty of time to dedicate to communicating. I tend to be an over-communicator. He is a good listener but can become closed into himself when he is stressed, which can be a problem. I have to be careful that "communication" doesn't become "me talking, him listening".


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Right now yes, he just came back from 1.5. month working trip, but wait till we get 2 weeks of eachother. It going to be nice to be talking this holiday season for a change ,though....


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

No.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My first husband(ex) always told me that he does not respect women and all women are going to hell. There was no communication in that marriage. Every time I tried to talk to him, it would end up in a screaming match. He was always telling me how worthless I was. What a toxic way to live. I can not believe his current wife(who moved in 3 days after I left) is still with him. He's even more abusive to her then he was with me.
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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

not abusive. Just gets in those moods and does not communicate.
j


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> hubby is anything but abusive. Just gets in those moods and does not communicate.
> 
> I mean, we do have our "talks" every now & again. But when hes mad about something, or we are arguing/disagreeing.. ... he's pretty non communicative. After we have sex or bj or something, THEN he opens up & tells me why he had a bad day that day, or what is bothering him..


'Sounds like mine, but mine IS abusive sometimes


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I'm sorry about that Charlene...\
j


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My first husband(ex) always told me that he does not respect women and all women are going to hell. There was no communication in that marriage. Every time I tried to talk to him, it would end up in a screaming match. He was always telling me how worthless I was. What a toxic way to live. I can not believe his current wife(who moved in 3 days after I left) is still with him. He's even more abusive to her then he was with me.


I can not imagine something like this at all. Unbelievable, your EX sure has some issues!! I have to wonder what his childhood was like to bring forth such madness in adulthood?

One of the things I treasure the most about my marriage ...IS the communication aspect, I could not ask for more in this respect. Anyone who read my "Transparency" thread - this speaks of how we are. 

As much as I write on here, most would assume I am an obssessive talker, but not the case.... I LOVE the "give & take", I care if my listener wants to hear me -if not, I will shut up or surely change the subject to something they can relate too. I want communication to be enjoyable on both ends, or it is nothing more than wasted breath. (Unless you are disciplining your kids of course). 

I have started little arguments with my husband that I want him to TALK a little more, ask more questions, do more impressions, he can be downright halarious when he lets loose with what he is thinking, but he often hides himself under a rock, the quiet guy in the corner. Friends/family love his humor when he gets going - so this is my way of encouraging him - even if I get a little carried away! 

We spend most of our time together , we are like a ball & chain - but happy to be so. He is odd, even when he goes outside to work on a vehice, he likes me to come & keep him company. 










I always ask how his day is with a kiss, he is always happy to share- he was never the type who needed time to unwind before he speaks, just happy to be home with a smile on his face. When he has a bad day at work, he lets it rip in all it's fury and I am happy for this, as I wouldn't want him to keep that to himself, it is good to have an Outlet for our emotions...and I soothe him. And when I am mad about something, he gets an earful, usually is it NOT with him, so this is helpful. Ha Ha 

We used to watch alot of Tv at night (Lifetime movies , Netflix) now it seems we have the TV off more than not & we just lay in each others arms & talk.... about anything under the sun... our past... vacations we want to take.... the kids....their lives.... plans for the week....things that need fixed....sex.... memories..... what IF's.......we flirt.... we tease..... we laugh..... 

This mornng before the alarm went off , he ripped one (always expected), then he started telling me about so & so at work, whose are SOOOO atrocious he stinks up the whole room & all the way down the hallway , how another guy lysols him down, everyone knows it is always him ...we started laughing so loudly - you know those times where you can't catch your breath, I was thinking the kids surely hear us ! 

Yeah, we talk about it ALL...and at any time of the day.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

/ said:


> We used to watch alot of Tv at night (Lifetime movies , Netflix) now it seems we have the TV off more than not & we just lay in each others arms & talk.... about anything under the sun... our past... vacations we want to take.... the kids....their lives.... plans for the week....things that need fixed....sex.... memories..... what IF's.......we flirt.... we tease..... we laugh


My husband and I do this every night! Oh, I love it. I love being in his arms, it's almost as good as having sex. Actually, it's best when we do this just after having sex. 
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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Do you communicate well with your spouse/SO?
> 
> I find this one of the most very important aspects in a marriage. My husband and I communicate well. It did take a little practice at first for him to really listen and answer back at times. Now we both stop what we are doing and make frequent eye contact while conversing.
> 
> ...


We've always been fairly open with each other but there were things that needed to change. He's recognizing in the moment now when he needs to express certain things that are bothering him and is doing so. This has been an adjustment to me (and others) and it's pretty damn wonderful to experience - even when that means overcoming my own ego. 

In our relationship, I'd taken more the pacifist route. If something doesn't bother me, I don't mention it. But lately I've been verbalizing more about little things, even when they don't upset me but might be moments that I just notice. For example cooking is fairly new territory to me. I made dinner the other night and pulled out bowls ready to serve. The kitchen has been more his domain and he swanned in, opened the cupboard and pulled out a plate to replace the bowl as he wanted to eat from a plate instead. Normally I'd shrug this off, no big deal. This time I stopped him and said when he's the chef, I respect it and wouldn't do this to him. I said it'd be far more gracious of him to accept my meal as it's served. He looked at me, stunned, then quickly swapped the plate back for the bowl lol.

Other than that, we converse a lot about different thoughts and about our day. We're best friends.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Our communication is as close to telepathy as two people can tolerate. She asked me to stop reading her mind a few years ago and I did - basic marital courtesy. 




I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Do you communicate well with your spouse/SO?
> 
> I find this one of the most very important aspects in a marriage. My husband and I communicate well. It did take a little practice at first for him to really listen and answer back at times. Now we both stop what we are doing and make frequent eye contact while conversing.
> 
> ...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Do you communicate well with your spouse/SO?
> 
> I find this one of the most very important aspects in a marriage. My husband and I communicate well. It did take a little practice at first for him to really listen and answer back at times. Now we both stop what we are doing and make frequent eye contact while conversing.
> 
> ...



Short answer - yes. We try to talk every day in person about all sorts of stuff. It's a good way to build intimacy.

Long answer - it wasn't always so. We had problems with communication. Both of us are conflict avoiders. Over time and after reading several self-help type books, we've reached a place where we truly communicate. We have true communication. I read somewhere, can't remember where, that true communication is when the recipient hears the message and in the way it was intended. Previously, I think one of us wasn't hearing the message as it was intended. Both of us are less defensive now. We're also better at saying things without sarcasm. We get to the point without being hurtful. Now we talk about everything under the sun. Nothing is off limits. It's great. It's a good way to nip problems in the bud before they become so gigantic to tackle.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> I'm sorry about that Charlene... verbally abusive? or physically?
> 
> Do you have a place you go & just shut your mind off to it? or do you go & sit in the bathroom and just cry to yourself/ or cry yourself to sleep afterwards?


Just verbally  When this happens i just what to disappear , and actually i have a place to go. The last time i prepare some stuff and he just blew up! I think he finally saw that words can make one go away....
Now i'm waiting for the next outburst


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I feel I've improved much. Especially in the last few weeks. My weaknesses are my emotions, which really color the way I react sometimes.

Husband is the same way, and has made a good practice of blame-shifting, kitchen-sinking, changing the subject, name-calling, emotional manipulation, using "poor" body language (arms/legs crossed, little eye contact, smarmy facial gestures, etc.) BUT I will say he has improved in the area of being more understanding about what I say without providing solutions, and instead saying things like "I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry I did/caused xyz" etc.

Sometimes he exaggerates this too far, becomes too fake and says, "Sorry I'm such a s***** husband" etc. It drives me crazy. really hard not to revert to old patterns or just break down and cry out of frustration.

We have a long way to go, but overall I'd say we have improved over the last few months, as opposed to how it was just months after we married. Always at each other's throats lol

I'd love for us both to get to that place of openness and vulnerability, where we can say what we need in a healthy way and not attack the other.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My H and I have awesome communication! We both came out of 25 year marriages in which we both felt we were NOT HEARD. 

I had to learn that I COULD talk to him, about everything and anything. We met online tho, and talked and talked and talked for months before we met, then LDR with lots of phone, IM, text, all TALK! Even so, when we got together I had to remind myself all the time that I have a PARTNER.... not someone who doesn't care what I say. It was sooooooooooo frustrating to never feel heard in my prior marriage that I quit communicating. I didn't ever tell ex anything, didn't ask his opinion, didn't tell him about my day, even quit talking to him about the kids. I even went to MC without him...about this issue (he chose not to go). When he left, he said he felt like he wasn't part of the family....which I still contend was his own fault. So in the early days of this marriage, I had to remind myself to share. Talking is sharing, something I had to learn to do. He would remind me, and I'd remind myself...and now it's all the time. It just took some practice. 

My H is a talker! He will talk, and talk, and talk. We can take a road trip and talk for hours. (LOL, we do spend quiet time together too tho!) But he had to be reassured that I wasn't going to blast his ideas every time he opened his mouth too. As much as he loves to talk, he got shut down alot in his previous marriage. So we both knew going into this how very important talking and listening would be.

Anyway, H and I talk about everything. We never fight, we never raise our voice to each other, we try to see the other's pov, and we LISTEN. 

And we both are on another marriage site (left over from the downfalls of our last marriages) where we always contend that communication is everything.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Most people don't shut up enough and listen. They're too focused on thinking of the next angry putdown to spout. They rarely listen to the responses to their own statements and often don't care what that response is. They hear what they want to hear. And when they do speak it's often cryptic and odd. Sometimes I swear my wife sounds like a schizophrenic or someone who's already had half of this conversation with someone else. Or she's unaware of basic English grammar and who in the hell is 'you', 'us', 'we', 'them' in that sentence? 

I'm a person who's perfectly happy being with someone and there's no talking going on. I don't need to fill the silence. People who do, are filling it with gibberish. And there are people who just vent and vent and vent and vent and vent. No thanks.


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