# Contacting the OW



## confused4322 (Apr 30, 2013)

I was wondering how many of BS's contacted the OW and found it helpful? It has been about 3 1/2 months since D-day and I am wanting to try and contact her. I think it is driving me crazy not really knowing that much about her. Also, I think if she would answer my questions honestly then maybe I really can believe what my WS is telling is true.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

More often than not, contacting the OP is going to cause you more pain. From what I've seen here and other forums, only a very small percentage actually found contact with the OP helpful.


----------



## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Took me about 4 months to be able to talk to the OM. He is a real POS so it didn't help much in understanding why my life was turned upside down but at least seeing the sack of dung let me know I wasn't the problem. I moved on and up since then and I don't know if I could have done as well mentally not knowing what was really over there.


----------



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I was dealing with the beginning stages of an EA and the OW acted like she had done nothing wrong. She actually sent an email to my H and me to defend herself and express that things were being misinterpreted. It was pretty maddening but it also felt good to tell her I didn't buy her little innocent act.


----------



## Twang (Mar 22, 2013)

I did contact and met the other woman and my first thought was REALLY she is UGLY. It helped me to see what she looked like and to let her know that this thing is over and if she tries to come after my husband again she will deal with me and I told hubby he better be sure it is over because I aint doing this crap again no matter how much I love him. She was very respectful to me and could barely look at me. I think it is different for each person tho.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I contacted the xOM on Dday. Told him I'd kill him if he ever tried to contact my wife again. Never heard another thing from him. I never really knew who he was, but he certainly knows who I am.

Honestly, if you're wanting to contact to find out what kind of person they are cuz you don't know much about them ~ save yourself any heartache and don't bother. It will never be worth it and will probably cause more questions than answers. Besides - they'll never give you the truth. Why would they?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

confused4322 said:


> I was wondering how many of BS's contacted the OW and found it helpful? It has been about 3 1/2 months since D-day and I am wanting to try and contact her. I think it is driving me crazy not really knowing that much about her. Also, I think if she would answer my questions honestly then maybe I really can believe what my WS is telling is true.


I have no opinion one way or the other so I say, why not? Call her up. Just tell her that it may help you ease the pain. She may hang up on you. She may call you a bad name. But at least you tried.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I think you have to be very clear what you are looking to get out of it. If you really think that there is something positive to be gained then go for it. But all too often I think that the BS just causes themselves more pain by obsessing over the A and by being morbidly curious. It is very tempting to want to know every little detail, but actually that just causes you more pain. In effect, you are just rubbing your own nose in your WS's mess. I know I am guilty of doing that.


----------



## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

confused4322 said:


> I was wondering how many of BS's contacted the OW and found it helpful? It has been about 3 1/2 months since D-day and I am wanting to try and contact her. I think it is driving me crazy not really knowing that much about her. Also, I think if she would answer my questions honestly then maybe I really can believe what my WS is telling is true.


My situation was a little unique... my H and the POSOW are both military. I had all the proof I needed to strip their clearances and ruin their careers- that said, I did it to get the truth from her and compare her story to his. Of course there are some things I know she lied about, but I really did not care. It was a 2 1/2 hour conversation- her pretty much in tears and apologizing... me forwarding the info and exposing to her family, her mother because she was already divorced. Wow, what a winner. Someone who already had divorced after a few years of marriage, had an affair with a married guy while deployed and even had her mother writing my husband downrange..... WTF???? :scratchhead:
She had already left and gone back to her station (in Japan), he was still in Iraq (1 week from coming home) and I was in the states- and lets just say it was best that way. But I sent her mother our family pictures, so she could see our children and even the emails where her daughter fessed up to sleeping with a married man. EXPOSURE and calling the OW.... the only way to go for me. 
Everyone has a different situation, but it depends on what you think you might get out of it- if she has no remorse and knew he was married.... she may blow you off. If he lied to her and she had no clue, she may be remorseful. Either way, take the high road and just know that you are on a different level that her.


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I did, but in my case she did not realise my WH was married.

I only found out because I was suspicious and went through his office one day when he was out. I found a name, an address, an email address and CC receipts for dinners for two.

I emailed her and told her that I thought my husband was having an A and I thought it was with her.

I took a chance as I had no way of knowing that the email I had found belonged to the person that he was cheating with. It could well have been a work colleague then I would have looked a fool. But it all just seemed to click. I put it all on the line. I told her to please tell me if they were having an affair - that I needed to know for my own sanity. I even said that if she wanted him she could have him, I just needed to know.

I made the mistake of confronting him with the CC receipts before I got her reply. He admitted he had been seeing her, that they had met at work and got on, that he felt flattered by her interest, but swore that the receipts I had were the only dates they had had, and that it had not been physical. It was only after I gave him the chance to fess up that I told him I had emailed her. I told him I wanted to believe him, but that I'd wait and see what she had to say first.

When she replied she told me everything I needed to know - she told me she had met him on a dating site, so he was actively looking - he had lied about that. And she gave me dates of when it began and ended, also why it ended - she ended it because she felt he wanted too much too soon. He told her that he loved her after two weeks and he told her he would wait for her as long as it took till she was ready (vom).

She also confirmed that they had been physical, and the number of times it had happened. 

She was absolutely mortified that he was married - she had had no idea.

So, for me, contacting her was absolutely the right thing to do. She was happy to tell me anything I wanted to know, ALL of which he would never have told me if she hadn't. Also I was able to bluff a little and get details out of him that he thought she had told me.

But I think my situation is a little unusual.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I doubt that you would find her to be honest or forthcoming. It will likely only cause you more grief. I would not expect honesty. Even if she does tell you the same story as your wayward spouse it is possible that ow and wh simply have already set the story that you would be told. 
Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

In my case it was EA. I contacted OM, a week after sexting messages began. I had an sms backup running weeks before, not sure of what she was up to. Was able to catch it early. 

I remember the date and time. Will never forget. In my case I knew him and his mom and other family members. They are related to my WW..long story. I called and I said I know everything. I've captured all sexting images. You can have her. She wants to be with you, move in with you, want to be yours. I'll be devorcing her to make that happen.

All of this started when they found each other on Facebook. He said to not get divorced, he was going to block her and not make contact of any kind ever again. Till this day, no contact has been made that I am aware of, been monitoring off and on. Maybe the treat of having all text and sexting messages go to his family scared him. Not sure, but I will if contact is ever broken.

I just wanted him to know that I knew what they were up to. I know my WW will new tell him that I knew.. 

Then I signed on to this site, got advise to expose. Call his mom explained everything, WW has extreme respect for her. Loves her very much. Notified WW mom. When I told her I exposed, well you guys on the forum nailed the reaction to be expected perfectly.

Each situation is different. I'm glad I contacted OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

newlife94 said:


> My situation was a little unique... my H and the POSOW are both military. I had all the proof I needed to strip their clearances and ruin their careers- that said, I did it to get the truth from her and compare her story to his. Of course there are some things I know she lied about, but I really did not care. It was a 2 1/2 hour conversation- her pretty much in tears and apologizing... me forwarding the info and exposing to her family, her mother because she was already divorced. Wow, what a winner. Someone who already had divorced after a few years of marriage, had an affair with a married guy while deployed and even had her mother writing my husband downrange..... WTF???? :scratchhead:
> She had already left and gone back to her station (in Japan), he was still in Iraq (1 week from coming home) and I was in the states- and lets just say it was best that way. But I sent her mother our family pictures, so she could see our children and even the emails where her daughter fessed up to sleeping with a married man. EXPOSURE and calling the OW.... the only way to go for me.
> Everyone has a different situation, but it depends on what you think you might get out of it- if she has no remorse and knew he was married.... she may blow you off. If he lied to her and she had no clue, she may be remorseful. Either way, take the high road and just know that you are on a different level that her.


I read this at my desk at work and darn near stood up and applauded.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I did text my H's online OW. Theirs was an EA of chat/texting/sexting/phone only, no PA. But it was such a strong pull for him that after 8 months of no contact he re-contacted her to "see how she was doing" and they started again for another almost 5 months until I caught on.

Her H had discovered only the last few months of it and they had cooled it, a bit. I texted her and told her it had to end or I would inform her H of the extent of it. That seems to have worked. 

She apologized for hurting me again and said "I will never contact him again" which to me, suspicious person that I am says, 'but I will answer his call' I made it clear I knew who she is, where she lives and would not be silent. 

In truth I do know her home address, her cell and their home #. I do not know his cell and I only have a suspicion about a work #, but I will use any and all methods if there is ever contact again, that is a promise.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

PamJ said:


> I did text my H's online OW. Theirs was an EA of chat/texting/sexting/phone only, no PA. But it was such a strong pull for him that after 8 months of no contact he re-contacted her to "see how she was doing" and they started again for another almost 5 months until I caught on.
> 
> Her H had discovered only the last few months of it and they had cooled it, a bit. I texted her and told her it had to end or I would inform her H of the extent of it. That seems to have worked.
> 
> ...


No disrespect intended but I think you erred by not telling him. It might have saved their marriage if you had.


----------



## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

It made me feel really good to curse that MF out! Its not productive in any way but, in my case it was my wife's ex and he knew all about me and my marriage as his daughter lives with me and I support her 100%. So.. he was getting the benifit of screwing my wife while I was taking care of his daughter and my wife knew that.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

"No disrespect intended but I think you erred by not telling him. It might have saved their marriage if you had."

He knows about half of it, saw a racy text my H sent her, decided he did not want to know more as long as it was over.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

PamJ said:


> "No disrespect intended but I think you erred by not telling him. It might have saved their marriage if you had."
> 
> He knows about half of it, saw a racy text my H sent her, decided he did not want to know more as long as it was over.


..and it seems their marriage is just fine from what I can tell-kind of makes me a little mad that I am dealing with this and everyone else is fine. I *will* contact him if I see one more piece of evidence that there has been any contact between my H and the OW at all, but so far, nothing and I am being very watchful.


----------

