# Is using a vibrator cheating?



## mahayana

My husband will only have sex with me once every few months or more. We are both in our 30's. I have tried to discuss it with him but he gets angry and won't really talk about it. I recently told him that I would like to try a vibrator. He got angry and said that I would be cheating with a vibrator. Am I wrong to respond that he will just have to deal with it because if he won't sleep with me then I have a right to try to please myself? We have been married for 8 years and have never had a great sexual relationship. It was never frequent and he lasts like 4 thrusts. I give him oral but he hasn't given me oral since the first year we started dating (10 years ago). I have talked to him repeatedly about it and asked him what we can do to help the problem but he will not discuss it. I have never tried a vibrator. He is very conservative and refused to even try a tingling ointment that I brought home.


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## Zulu

Yes, it is cheating, you are cheating yourself.... you are young, and obviously sensual, find someone who wants to have sex with you.... etc etc etc (don my flame suit)


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## Syrum

Are you happy? You are obviously not having your needs met and your husband has some huge sexual issues.

He needs to see a Dr to have his health and testosterone checked and a counselor to figure out what is going on with him sexually. 

I would tell him what your needs are. I do think everyone needs to feel loved and desired. There is nothing wrong with wanting sexual fullfillment and intimacy, in fact I believe it's an important part of marriage.

Ask him to do somethings with you to help improve things and tell him you will work on what you can from your end too. 

As for the vibrator, I do think that you can run the risk of not being able to orgasm without them. However many women unlike many men have great difficulty ever reaching orgasm. I think that if he's not willing to meet your needs then you have a right to masturbate, as long as you aren't involving other people. 

If he's not willing to change or get help then you may need to think about moving on.


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## 1963chelsea

It is your body married, in a relationship, or on your own. Mastubation is no crime in any circumstances so your cannot break any rules. If anyone has an issue it is your husband because you could argue that being married means that there are responsibilities to your partner and some level of sexual contact is expected, not demanded I might add, and he is expecting exclusivity from you in all respects so he should meet you at a sexual level, after all he does not want you going off with some else and that is a break from your committment. In short, if on your own - alone, please yourself sexually in anyway you wish, vibe, porn or fantasy.


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## DanF

My wife loves her toys, when we are together and when she is alone.
Go for it, it is healthy.
If your husband were to watch you with a vibrator and see how sexy it looks, he might be up to the challenge a little more often.


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## unbelievable

I guess it depends on who you're using it on.


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## Garcammad

I don't think it is cheating. I have bought fake vaginas for my husband to use with or without me. I agree that he needs to see a doctor or therapist to get past his sex issues. I'm betting its not you. There is a problem with him whether its physical or psychological.


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## magnoliagal

First off it's not cheating and secondly why even tell him just get it and do it already. 

The only person you are cheating is yourself. You are too young to settle.


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## Kauaiguy

There is no reason for not using a vibrator to satisfy yourself if your husband is unable or better yet WON"T do it for you. It's a heck of a lot better than cheating on him which is the other option.

Personally I would think it as a turn on for me to watch my woman pleasure herself ... as long as she is satisfying me ... It doesn't hurt anybody, I'm happy, she's happy and that's what counts!


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## dubs

It's not cheating. 
You have physical needs that naturally need to be met.

Its not fair that you have to build up sexual stress by not being able to relieve it. Its an inanimate object that you control: you are not sneaking around having sex with other people. You have an orgasm and then you're back to 'life' and can cope.

Yes, he should seek medical help and find a way to address his 'issue.' It will be challenging and won't happen overnight. But sorry, I think you masturbating with yourself is not cheating. If you used a finger, would you consider yourself cheating on yourself? No.


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## PBear

Your husband seems to be insecure and controlling. How does he feel about you masturbating in general? As dubs mentioned, how is it different using a toy instead of your finger. Personally, I'd say you're justified on shutting down oral on him till he starts returning the favor as well.

In general, your sexual relationship sounds unsatisfying and broken. It's up to you how much more of that you're willing to tolerate.

And as other guys have mentioned, I love watching my partner, with or without a toy. And I love using our toys on her; we have a little "tickle trunk" going on.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

mahayana said:


> My husband will only have sex with me once every few months or more. We are both in our 30's. I have tried to discuss it with him but he gets angry and won't really talk about it. I recently told him that I would like to try a vibrator. He got angry and said that I would be cheating with a vibrator. Am I wrong to respond that he will just have to deal with it because if he won't sleep with me then I have a right to try to please myself? We have been married for 8 years and have never had a great sexual relationship. It was never frequent and he lasts like 4 thrusts. I give him oral but he hasn't given me oral since the first year we started dating (10 years ago). I have talked to him repeatedly about it and asked him what we can do to help the problem but he will not discuss it. I have never tried a vibrator. He is very conservative and refused to even try a tingling ointment that I brought home.




First of all, this is surely NOT cheating in most any normal functioning sexual mind when the spouse has ZERO interest in pleasing his partner - I say SHAME SHAME on your husband for even suggesting this is cheating when he darn well knows you are in "want" of him and more intimate love making. 

How long have you been married ? Been this way from the beginning?

And I am curious to this conservatism you mention? Is he highly religious? Do you feel he has a guilt /shame thing going on with the act of mastbation? Most men have a MUCH higher need for sex than what your husband does (once every few months!!) Are you sure he is not masterbating himself? If not, he has a MONK mindset -but I am sure they do it too!

It would not be beyond imagination to hear he has his own secret sexual indulgences going on -then judging YOU out of his own guilt. I've heard stranger things. For one, he is VERY selfish, and not a giver , so I would not put anything past him. 

So he can not even bare to mention what is wrong with "tingling oilment" to prolong his releases for his wife's pleasure - the man is definitely sexually repressed to some degree, has some MAJOR hangups with pleasure. If he can not TALK with his wife about sex & views near everything related as dirty, somehow wrong, he has a mindset issue that needs "taken down", opened up and overcame.

You will suffer so long as he is under such beliefs. 

I was just taking a stab at this, correct me if I am way off base here.


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## Mephisto

If so, my wife cheats on me every time we have sex!!!!!!


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## heartsbeating

mahayana said:


> My husband will only have sex with me once every few months or more. We are both in our 30's. I have tried to discuss it with him but he gets angry and won't really talk about it. I recently told him that I would like to try a vibrator. He got angry and said that I would be cheating with a vibrator. Am I wrong to respond that he will just have to deal with it because if he won't sleep with me then I have a right to try to please myself?


No it's not cheating. What _did_ you respond with? Did you actually tell him that he had to deal with it? 

SimplyAmorous asked some valid questions in her post to you. 

I hope you have a vibe on order already. If you can use it in front of him or get him to use it on you, well, in the words of catwoman "purrrrrrfect!" and if not then enjoy your alone time. Clear your schedule for a few hours


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## MrK

I will NEVER understand a man that won't take sex any time it's offered.

NEVER!!


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## Runs like Dog

What if you have two vibrators? What does the other one think while you're grinding away with the first one?


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## DayDream

MrK said:


> I will NEVER understand a man that won't take sex any time it's offered.
> 
> NEVER!!


It happens. Especially if the man has erectile dysfunction or is on some medications that cause a decrease in the sexual appetite. Or if his wife is wearing him out because she's a nympho and has to have it 2-3 times a day.


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## Runs like Dog

stillme4you said:


> Or if his wife is wearing him out because she's a nympho and has to have it 2-3 times a day.


This is SPARTAAAAAA!


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## WhiteRabbit

Runs like Dog said:


> This is SPARTAAAAAA!


GREAT movie!


No such thing as cheating with a vibrator...unless you've replaced spousal sexy time with vibrator sexy time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream

Who are you cheating on your husband with? Yourself?


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## mahayana

I definitely not happy with the situation. He refuses to get checked out or mention it to the doctor. I have asked him repeatedly what is wrong and what I can do to help. I have suggested things that I thought might help excite him, like watching porn or something. He mentioned to me a long time ago that he used to watch porn occasionally with friends, but he refuses to try it with me. I am so frustrated that I do think about leaving him but then I wonder if that's anywhere near a big enough reason to end a marriage. However, then I wonder "Why should I have a miserable/nonexistent sex life for the rest of my life?"


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## mahayana

I will ask him if he wants to watch. I never thought of that. I will be SHOCKED if he agrees to it, though. Here's hoping


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## mahayana

He says that he never masturbates. He would be furious and disgusted if I told him I do occasionally. He acted like I was a big pervert when I talked about masturbation with him before. It seems like he must do it though. I think he just might be ashamed about it for some reason. One time when we were intimate and I touched myself he got mad and said that I was being selfish and should only be touching him. I just really don't see any way to resolve our sexual issues, except maybe with therapy, which he adamently refuses.


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## mahayana

SimplyAmorous said:


> First of all, this is surely NOT cheating in most any normal functioning sexual mind when the spouse has ZERO interest in pleasing his partner - I say SHAME SHAME on your husband for even suggesting this is cheating when he darn well knows you are in "want" of him and more intimate love making.
> 
> How long have you been married ? Been this way from the beginning?
> 
> And I am curious to this conservatism you mention? Is he highly religious? Do you feel he has a guilt /shame thing going on with the act of mastbation? Most men have a MUCH higher need for sex than what your husband does (once every few months!!) Are you sure he is not masterbating himself? If not, he has a MONK mindset -but I am sure they do it too!
> 
> It would not be beyond imagination to hear he has his own secret sexual indulgences going on -then judging YOU out of his own guilt. I've heard stranger things. For one, he is VERY selfish, and not a giver , so I would not put anything past him.
> 
> So he can not even bare to mention what is wrong with "tingling oilment" to prolong his releases for his wife's pleasure - the man is definitely sexually repressed to some degree, has some MAJOR hangups with pleasure. If he can not TALK with his wife about sex & views near everything related as dirty, somehow wrong, he has a mindset issue that needs "taken down", opened up and overcame.
> 
> You will suffer so long as he is under such beliefs.
> 
> I was just taking a stab at this, correct me if I am way off base here.





We have been married 9 years and it has wasn't quite as bad the first 2 years. He used to drink occasionally and sometimes wanted sex when he did. He was never open to trying new things, though, and never engaged in foreplay or lasted more than a couple of minutes. Sometimes I would actually have some light bleeding from not being "ready" yet because he would just want to put it in immediately.

He is actually not religious at all but maybe a little old fashioned. He is not conservative in all areas of his life, mainly just sexually.

He denies masturbating and said he has never done it. This doesn't seem like it could possibly be true. He does get erections sometimes in the morning but he said it has nothing to do with sexual desire, just that he has to urinate.

He refuses to go to therapy with me and whenever I try to discuss it with him he gets very angry. I feel so petty thinking about leaving him over it but it makes me really depressed to think that I am married and will never have a good sex life.

Interesting tidbit for someone who is so sexually conservative with me: several years before we got married, he slept with his brother's wife and then moved into an apartment with her and his brother's baby for a year. Then she went back to his brother. It just seems like someone who has the views that he tells me he has wouldn't do something like that. It also makes me think that it could just be that he's not attracted to me.


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## mahayana

stillme4you said:


> Who are you cheating on your husband with? Yourself?


I know, right?? I actually almost started laughing when he said that it would be cheating. Almost. But I didn't. Then I thought about it and just wondered if anyone else thought of it that way...


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## TXchick

I once had a personal trainer that told me that masturbation is the best ab workout that you could ever do. Maybe if you used a massager instead of a vibrator, then it wouldn't be as hard for your husband to get used to. Go and work those abs!!! lol


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## Tourchwood

Do you mind asking what culture or country you are from?
was your marriage arranged? or have you dated? any kids?


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## Boogsie

Is using porn cheating? Both are external stimulus.

I've seen, "Is using a vibrator cheating since my hubby won't have sex with me."

And, "Is using porn cheating since my wife won't have sex with me."

Usually those two questions are met with drastically different answers.


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