# How to get GF back ~help me! (long)



## SillyMan1 (Mar 17, 2012)

Dear TAM forum,

I found this website today while seeking for help in my relationship and decided to post my story hoping for some advice or insight.

*The short version*: After my girlfriend cheated on me and I confronted her, she said we should separate, we eventually did, she is now in another country, but i want her back. She doesn't even want to talk to me and keeps requesting "space" while I have proof she is still talking to the guy she cheated with every day for several hours. I still want her back and don't know what else to try.

*Long version:*
We are 31-33 yrs old, relationship has lasted for just over 3 1/2 yrs, it started as a long-distance relationship, then she moved in with me (different country) and for the last 2 1/2 yrs we have been living together but we are not married. She has depended on me financially since moving since she could not work in this country.

The relationship wasnt going all that well the past year or so and its very possible I was to blame for this, by takign her for granted in many instances and dismissing her tries to fix the relationship. Having said that, I never disrespected her, cheated on her, never violent or anything of the likes.

6 months ago, she cheated on me over the internet (sex chat, no real life sex), I caught her after 5 months of this happening, she told me all sorts of lies when confronted about it like "its only been going on a few weeks", "i was feeling bad and was about to stop it", I had proof this was not ture... as the conversation progressed on DDay, her lines turned to "we need to be apart for a while", "i need some space", "your behaviour made me do this", and "i love you but am not in love with you anymore". I admitted to her I may have not been the best boyfriend in the world but that cheating was not justifiable and she should have broken up with me if she wanted to talk sex with someone else, she actually agreed with me here and said she was sorry for the first time since I confronted her... yeah.

At this time I was obviously extremely angry not just about what she had done to me but at how she didn't even want to try and resolve the problem, I felt like she just wanted to be apart so she could continue chatting with this other guy...

My natural reaction was to send her back home asap and end the relationship since I always said to myself I would not tolerate a woman ever cheating on me.

When I was looking for plane tickets to send her back home, I had an "aha" moment where I realised I really loved her and I had acted like an idiot in many ocasions during our relationship. I don't think what I did justifies the cheating, but I can accept that I wasn't the best man I could have been for her. So I totally broke down, I became this pathetic, low self-esteem, needy person, and just kissed her ass for the following 1 month, taking her out for meals, shopping, buying her anything and everything she wanted. Asking her to reconsider the us being apart and just give the relationship a last chance, now that I feel I have really changed my attitude and I am willing to prove it to her.

But no, she didn't want to hear anything about it, she was very happy when i bought her shoes, or we went to get her favorite take-away, but as soon as I mentioned the possibility of trying again she said she needed to go home and think... 

In the meantime, I discovered she was still texting and chatting with the guy she had cheated on me with, despite my very clear requests to end all contact. Unfortunately I dont know what was being said in those texts, she wouldnt tell me and she was hiding her phone in a way such i could not get a look at all. Obviously this hiding makes me thing she was hiding something

So, suddenly I find myself in this situation where I am meeting her every need, I am going out in the middle of the night when she fancied a snack, making efforts to buy her things I should not be buying given financial situation, and she can't even commit to give the relationship a final try, and all the while she continues to talk to Mr. internet-guy who lives many hundreds of miles away and has a very low chance of ever meeting IRL. She tells me they just remained as friends, I personally do not believe this and i am really struggling to accept it. I believe that given what has happened, she should end ALL contact.

I have told her I have really changed my ways and I am ready to be the man she always wanted me to be, I know the things she wants because she has told me in the past, she wanted marriage, kids, get a home together... I was never interested in discussing these things, now I have realised I want her to be my wife and I am willing to move our relationship forward, and she replies with "I am happy that thanks to me you made these realisations, it will make your next relationship a much happier one", it sounds pretty obvious she has no interest in me whatsoever despite the fact she DID very much love me and was in love with me once, that much I am sure of. It seems like the more attention you pay to someone, the less they want you. And it hurts REALLY bad.

So after about a month of me being this neediest person and doing absolutely anything and everything she wanted, trying to get her to stay, I went ahead and bought her the flight ticket home since she insisted she couldn't make a decision while still being with me and needed some time away from me to think. Before leaving, she wanted to go buy some presents for her family.. of course i paid for them, I took her to the airport, I paid for her extra luggage, she had some cash i had given her over time, and on top of that I added another £100 to her bank account so she could basically eat and buy basic stuff since she had no income here I wanted to make sure she was ok back home.

I should add that after I confronted her, and as I wanted to reconcile I tried to initiate sex on many ocasions, but got absolutely nothing. She said "I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore", "I dont feel about you this way anymore" and "I cant have sex unless I have these strong feelings for you"... on our last day together, I tried once again and she told me she would "feel dirty" if she had sex with me... I really dont know what thats suposed to mean. I am still her boyfriend officially, but I'm guessing she sees this other guy as her boyfriend now and having sex with me would feel like she is cheating on him?


A day after she went home, we talked on the phone, she told me she loved me and missed me, but still hasnt decided if she wants to come back with me or not. She has her father in hospital who's just had an operation and is to stay hospitalised for a few more days.

Another day passed, we talked again, she was feeling down and depressed because apparently her mum told her they were going through financial difficulties due to his dad's hospital fees, and struggling with basic things like buying food as a result, she was basically implying, without saying anything, that I should take care of this. 

The following day, we talked again, and I saw she was once again playing this online game and voice chatting with this guy she cheated on me with... I asked her to voice chat with me and she did so for a few mins, before giving me an excuse to leave and soon after I saw she was back talking to him ( spied her ventrilo ) - so I went and confronted her about it and she lied to me, said she wasnt talking to him and that she felt I was stalking her... It IS true I am checking on her because I can't trust her right now and she has made no effort to restore my trust in her, however I have told her many times that if she just doesnt love me and loves some new guy, to please tell me and end my misery, it will be easier for me to move on if she can just tell me straight, but she won't, she keeps saying she has no time to think about romance during this time with his father in hospital....(however she seems to have no prob talking to this other guy for hours about god knows what)

I told her, come back with me, and I'll work my ass off to make sure your family doesnt have any problems during these difficult times... treid to play the family card, she cares deeply about her family, but it didnt work.

I feel like I am just a credit card for her. I am getting 0 love and affection from her ever since the day i confronted her about the cheating and the following month of ME alone trying to fix the relationship, probably this other guy she talks to on the internet is getting all of her affection... and all I get is being asked for more and more money in one shape or another, I have told her that I need her to commit to give our relationship one last go so that I can take care of everything, but she wont do it, says she is not comfortable with my offer being conditional to her coming back with me, she feels as if "I owe her" this much for all the bad times we had while we were together and she wants me to give out the money unconditionally.

I don't know what to do...

This is not a money issue. I could pay whatever needed, I am just extremely uncomfortable about the fact that I may give her more money only to find out next week she needs even more. She forgets very fast about my good gestures... I have alarm bells in my ears telling me this woman may just be taking advantage of me now and I am a stupid gullible man and believing everything she says. However I do know she loved me deeply once - maybe in the same way I love her now, but we have somehow swapped positions in the relationship, now I'm the needy one and she is the one hurting me. I just think that if she loved me once when she wasnt getting all the things she wanted, surely now that I am prepared and ready to give them to her, she should be able to love me again...Right? It just makes no sense.

The one thing I do know and this is where I would like to focus this forum thread: I love her and I want her back. I know many of you after reading this will say "dump her and run as far as you can", but I can't do that... I don't want anybody else and I have no motivation to get up in the mornings when she's not next to me. I am confident that if she gave us another chance, given that my feelings toward the relationship have changed radically, we would be good together, I just need to convince her to take that step. 

I would be very interested in hearing your opinions as to what to do next, below I have suggested some questions...

- What can I tell her to convince her to give me another chance? I think she needs to have an "aha" moment in the same way I did, I just dont know how to cause it.
- Should I call her everyday while she is away, or is it better to have no contact and let her miss me? I am afraid she will just get used to being on her own or talking with this other guy and wont miss me at all though. The way she talks to me, it feels she just wants me to get used to living on my own and let her go so NC may have the opposite effect I want...
- If I do call her, should I avoid bringing up the issue of getting back together or just talk about random small talk? for how long?
- Should I pay for her parents hospital fees if she doesn't want to be with me anymore? (she keeps saying she cant think about romance while her father is in hospital, what I hear is "I am not interested in you unless you can pay for this unconditionally")
- Any other advice, insight, experiences you can share are appreciated.

If you have read this far, I thank you very much and look forward to your feedback!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's a gf. Not a wife. Cut your losses and find someone who is in the same country and who wants to be with you. She doesn't want you. Seriously. Accept that.


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## SillyMan1 (Mar 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> She doesn't want you. Seriously. Accept that.


If that is the case, why cant she bring herself to tell me? I have asked her numerous times that if she doesnt love me and doesnt want to see me again to tell me straight and end my pain, she won't do it. I believe she is good natured and wouldn't hurt me out of "revenge" or something...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sm1,
I'm thinking she really doesn't need to tell you anything, and as painful as that is her actions speak loader then words.

Some folk just don't have the moral compose and strength to look some one in the eye and tell them it over.

There is no revenge here, she just found some one else, and instead of telling you it was easaier to be decietful and hide it from you.

Go find a women that can look you in the eye and tell you whats on her mind, b/c the one you are *chasing* now know for a fact that no matter what she does or how she behaves you will always be around.

With that said, stop chacing her and give her a taste of what it will be like when you are no longer around. Start showing her some indifference that will make her second guess her choices when she sees you moving on with out her. Distance your self and stop engaging her, she may think twice about what she is about to lose.

Even if she doesn't come back, doing the things I mentioned will help you heal and move on to find a women who can face the hard dicisions in life and be honest enough to tell what I think everyone has a right to know and that is why they are moving on.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

SillyMan1 said:


> *The short version*: After my girlfriend cheated on me and I confronted her, she said we should separate, we eventually did, she is now in another country, but i want her back. She doesn't even want to talk to me and keeps requesting "space" while I have proof she is still talking to the guy she cheated with every day for several hours. I still want her back and don't know what else to try.


That was as far as I read and all I need to read to know there is something wrong with you. You either need to see a therapist or you need medication for a disorder that has been left untreated. I don't know, maybe it has been diagnosed and treated but you just don't take your meds.

I'm not trying to be funny, and I'm not trying to offend you. I am dead serious. There is something wrong with you.


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## SillyMan1 (Mar 17, 2012)

River1977 said:


> I'm not trying to be funny, and I'm not trying to offend you. I am dead serious. There is something wrong with you.


No offense taken, but what's wrong with loving my girlfriend of almost 4 years and wanting her back? I appreciate there are many signs in my story that should tell me to walk away - but unless she tells me clearly " i do not love you - i do not want to be with you" I cannot just let go. Are women not able to speak clearly at times like these? :/


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude you have no idea.
Chicks are messed up and your thinking is not nearly the same as theirs.
Now go get some help and find the tools you will need to move on. She left brother and what wasn't said by her was said in her action.

The only chance you have is by playing the same game and move on. I understand you love her, and sometimes we have to let the ones we love go and if they come back then it was ment to be, if they do not come back then its time to find someone that can love you longer then 4 years.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Let's see:

She cheated on you

She is happy to take your money

She feels like you "owe" her for the bad times together

She now lives in another country

I know that you are hurting, but you need to be realistic about this. You have built up a fantasy in your mind about what a wonderful person she is. Wake up. Do you fear that you will have trouble finding another woman? Learn from this experience, and do not sell yourself short in the future.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't tell you because she wants the best of all her worlds.

AND she wants YOU to break up with her so you're the bad guy and she's the victim.

"Chicks" aren't the only crazy ones.  Men can be crazy too.

She's NOT the woman you want her to be. She's a betch, actually.

If she says she doesn't want you anymore, then she loses her cash cow, her meal ticket, her security (in case the OM doesn't work out) etc.

WAKE UP.

I'm a "chick" LOL...and I'm tellin' ya...she doesn't care one shet about ya. She is in ANOTHER COUNTRY doing whatever she wants...

Just count your losses and trade up  You can do better and you will. Do the 180 on her. NOW.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SillyMan1 said:


> No offense taken, but what's wrong with loving my girlfriend of almost 4 years and wanting her back? I appreciate there are many signs in my story that should tell me to walk away - but unless she tells me clearly " i do not love you - i do not want to be with you" I cannot just let go. Are women not able to speak clearly at times like these? :/


She knows you're weak and a pushover so she'll never say this.

BE A MAN and get your balls and you call the shots in YOUR life. Don't give her so much control. No no.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

You said yourself that she said I love you BUT I am NOT in love with you...sounds to me like I don't love you, telling you she needs space and that you are like a stalker is me hearing GET AWAY FROM ME...leave her alone and find someone else because it is apparent that she is not interested in anything but your money. There are many women out there that will be willing to give you what you need. Take some time and leave her be if it is meant to be she will come and if not you would have healed in the process..and date someone else, what else to bring her back except to think you are moving on with your life...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SillyMan1 said:


> No offense taken, but what's wrong with loving my girlfriend of almost 4 years and wanting her back? I appreciate there are many signs in my story that should tell me to walk away - but unless she tells me clearly " i do not love you - i do not want to be with you" I cannot just let go. *Are women not able to speak clearly at times like these?* :/


This is not a woman thing. Both men and women do this.... not all but some.

Actions speak a lot louder than words. You are wrong to not listen to (or pay attention to) her actions.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, you aren't listening to her.

After 3.5 years, was there an engagement? Talk of marriage? Why not married yet?

Maybe she just got tired of waiting for a commitment. She didn't feel secure in your relationship,and if she's like most women at that age, she wants a family.

But honestly, you need to respect her wishes. Stop meeting her needs. Stop being her doormat and pushover.

Pick yourself up and realize she's not the one for you.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Damn! This post is to pain full to respond to..


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## SillyMan1 (Mar 17, 2012)

Thanks for the comments all; Deep down I know you are right and that I should leave her and move on... however the whole reason I made this post was because I am not ready to give up just yet! I still hope someone can give me some advice as to what I could say or do to make her listen and to give me one last chance.



that_girl said:


> After 3.5 years, was there an engagement? Talk of marriage? Why not married yet?
> .


I addressed this in the OP, yes, she wanted to get married, kids etc, but at that time I wasn't very keen and wanted to wait. Then after I had my "aha" moment I realised this is what I wanted all along. When I told her she said it was too late. Isn't late better than never? Why would she want to start from scratch when I am finally ready to give her what she always wanted




lovesherman said:


> Do you fear that you will have trouble finding another woman?


I'm sure the fear of being alone and not being able to find another woman is part of the reason I am so crazy about fixing things with her now. I work in a male dominated industry so I don't meet new women often unless I go very out of my way. So yeah, this scares me, nobody wants to be alone.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You will find a better woman. This relationship was not meant to be. Concentrate on yourself now to heal. Do things that you enjoy. You may meet women through the hobbies or volunteer activities that you pursue.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Make all the arguments you want, OP--but it won't matter. She does not want to be with you. She has no problem using you, though. If you want to "read" things into her behavior, go ahead--but the behavior speaks volumes about what she really wants/intends. You can analyze things through your lens all you want. 

The worst of this--from an outside p.o.v.--is that she probably will come back to you after the new guy dumps her. You'll relive this cycle over and over, with her never really loving or wanting you. You won't trust her, either. It will make you both miserable. But hey, it's your right--and hers--to choose that. But stop arguing that others are wrong for calling it as they see it. That's just insulting and annoying. If you don't want other perspectives, don't ask.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

River1977 said:


> That was as far as I read and all I need to read to know there is something wrong with you. You either need to see a therapist or you need medication for a disorder that has been left untreated. I don't know, maybe it has been diagnosed and treated but you just don't take your meds.
> 
> I'm not trying to be funny, and I'm not trying to offend you. I am dead serious. There is something wrong with you.


You need to calm down. This is not a place to talk down on people. And, if you are going to give advice, read the whole thing, not just part of it. Besides, we all have something "wrong" with us. Nobody is perfect.

---------------------------------------

On topic... OP, it pains me to see you try for this girl. I do get your point on wanting to pursue her, however, I honestly don't see this relationship ever working out. Sorry... You should try to move on and find a woman who will appreciate you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She told you she didn't want you anymore when she slept with anther man, then asked for a separation (in other words break up) and moved to another country.

The writing's on the wall, read it.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

SillyMan1 said:


> If that is the case, why cant she bring herself to tell me? I have asked her numerous times that if she doesnt love me and doesnt want to see me again to tell me straight and end my pain, she won't do it. I believe she is good natured and wouldn't hurt me out of "revenge" or something...


What part of "need space" and talking to another guy do you not understand? Just cut your losses and move on. She has made it very obvious what she does, and does not want.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

SillyMan1 said:


> So, suddenly I find myself in this situation where I am meeting her every need, I am going out in the middle of the night when she fancied a snack, making efforts to buy her things I should not be buying given financial situation, and she can't even commit to give the relationship a final try, and all the while she continues to talk to Mr. internet-guy who lives many hundreds of miles away and has a very low chance of ever meeting IRL. She tells me they just remained as friends, I personally do not believe this and i am really struggling to accept it. I believe that given what has happened, she should end ALL contact.
> 
> 
> I feel like I am just a credit card for her. I am getting 0 love and affection from her ever since the day i confronted her about the cheating
> ...


She is totally using you as a credit card and a cash cow. You'll be better off without her. What you are going through, clearly stated above is based on YOUR needs: you need her to give it one last chance. Why? So she can really bankrupt you? Stop with this obsession over her and move on. 

You changed to be what she wants? Got a bucket I can puke in?


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## TKIGuy (Mar 14, 2012)

SillyMan1 said:


> If that is the case, why cant she bring herself to tell me?


Because you are giving her money.

I'm sorry you are hurting, it sucks, but you need to know that this relationship is over, the only question is how long you will take to accept that. There is nothing you can do now to fix this. The number one reason is that she does not respect you. The more you try to win her back, the less she will respect you. You need to walk away. You are going to be pissed at yourself for the way you have already acted, don't make it worse. Walk away now. 

Delete all the stuff you have that enables you to check on her. Cut off all ties and go to the gym or something. Spend time working on you. I guarantee you she will come looking for you soon enough and when she does you need to tell her no. Maybe down the road after you have had time to fix yourself you could revisit it, but I'm betting you won't want to. Right now you are like an addict who is missing his fix. Step away from this for a while, "detox" her out of your system and when your head clears you will see this is crazy. Forget your love it doesn't matter in this situation she is not the right girl for you. The sooner you accept that, the better you will be. 

As someone else mentioned, this is a girlfriend - Be thankful you can walk away and just do it. You will be better for it in short time.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

The only thing I got from the OP was that your relationship is over.She doesn't tell you she's not in love with you to keep you hanging on and remain a means of financial support.Depending on where she's from her and her family may be in dire straits financially.It wouldn't be the first time that loving daughters would do anything to relieve the financial stress of a family in need.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

STOP giving her money. Omg. Stop. Use that money to treat yourself. Get a new style and hit the town. there is a woman out there RIGHT NOW waiting to meet you. COME ON!! Where's your game!


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## SillyMan1 (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh the money tap HAS stopped  As I said before, deep down I know you are all right and I need to move on asap, just finding it very hard to do so, cause I still love her and I cannot help that. So taking it one step at a time. Talked to her on the phone today and she was quite sweet, but still "I havent even unpacked yet, too busy to think about romance" (not too busy to talk to mr internet-guy a few hrs daily tho)... So I went ahead and registered on a couple of dating sites *shrug*


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

SillyMan1 said:


> Oh the money tap HAS stopped  As I said before, deep down I know you are all right and I need to move on asap, just finding it very hard to do so, cause I still love her and I cannot help that. So taking it one step at a time. Talked to her on the phone today and she was quite sweet, but still "I havent even unpacked yet, too busy to think about romance" (not too busy to talk to mr internet-guy a few hrs daily tho)... So I went ahead and registered on a couple of dating sites *shrug*


Better yet,get out and mingle.Grab a coffee and start some pleasant conversation.Do something you've always wanted to do.Single women aren't limited to bars and the internet.Put yourself out there and take a chance,and I bet you'll start to really enjoy yourself.Wish you the best friend.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What is wrong with youngins these days?

When I was younger, people broke up, got drunk, hung out with friends, made out with someone else and moved on.

Seriously! GO have some fun!


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## SillyMan1 (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw a new spin on this thread!

Yes yes... I know I should spend more time meeting new people and less time replying to my own thread on the internet.... but I need to fight some more for what I believe in so I can feel satisfied I did everything in my power and if it wasn't meant to be after that, then so be it.

I found out that this other guy she has been talking sex with over the internet (who lives even further away from her current location than I do), is only 20 years old, she is 33...

Now, it's fair to say that sex was one of the biggest problems in our relationship, we just weren't having much at all, and I accept most of the responsibility for that (ie not feeling up for it). (NOTE that after my "aha" moment I felt like having sex with her A LOT, but by then her mind had already moved on to this new guy and wouldnt have sex with me at all). So I can somewhat understand she had needs and I wasn't meeting them so she went to find them elsewhere, and a horny kid appeared in the picture and put himself in a silver plate

He probably told her all sorts of nice things, made her feel sexy etc etc, and now she thinks she is in love with him. Wheras all I can see from the outside is an immature 20year-old guy trying to bed another woman for his personal collection... just like I used to do when I was his age!

I personally think that the chances of a successful relationship with a man aged 20 and a woman aged 33 are very very slim to none, the guy probably has no clue yet of what he really wants while the woman is seeking to settle down for a family, kids, etc. Not to mention when the guy is a little older he is going to have temptations and the woman is just setting herself up for a big big fall... but anyway that is just my opinion. I know for a fact that this woman wouldnt meet someone for "just sex", so I really need to make her see how bad this "relationship" is for HER

I actually think if she realised the relationship she is pursuing is doomed to fail that we might have a chance to try together again. But how can I make her see this? Question for the women of the forum: Would you ever listen to a guy telling you that the guy you've fallen for is really bad for you if he gave you valid reasons like age difference? She is obviously not seeing it on her own so I need to help her somehow. Or I could just wait until he travels and they meet, have sex, etc etc, but i would rather this didn't happen obviously...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Move.on.

Seriously. Why stay with someone you won't be able to trust? Let the 20 year old deal with her.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

SillyMan1 said:


> Oh the money tap HAS stopped  As I said before, deep down I know you are all right and I need to move on asap, just finding it very hard to do so, cause I still love her and I cannot help that. So taking it one step at a time. Talked to her on the phone today and she was quite sweet, but still "I havent even unpacked yet, too busy to think about romance" (not too busy to talk to mr internet-guy a few hrs daily tho)... So I went ahead and registered on a couple of dating sites *shrug*


Ok, I just want to say your pseudonym is perfect. you are a Sillyman. I'm not sure the man part is right. You are a Silly boy. You have no respect for yourself and I don't know why any woman would want you. Read the Man up threads., get you head out of your a$$ and act like you are worth something. Your girlfriend is a troll. If she comes back to you, how can you live knowing your were a second choice. I really hate posts like this.

GROW A PAIR!!!

I'm out


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Silly:

I know that you are hurting, but ask yourself: why is your girlfriend seeking attention from such a young guy? Doesn't this make her seem frivolous to you? She is a flirt and a tease. Is this really the kind of woman that you want? She is showing you who she is; believe her.

You are in a fantasy fog about how good your relationship was. Read the other threads on this forum by guys who were cheated on by their flirty wives who could not resist attention from other men.

You WILL find someone who deserves you. Do not throw your affection away on a woman who did not want to make your relationship work.


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## jtut21 (Mar 21, 2012)

I understand how you might feel. Its difficult to move on after you have been in love with a person. However, before trying to jump back into a relationship with her or anyone else there are a few suggestions I would like to make. 

First of all you must analyze the reason that all of this happened. Why did she cheat on you? After you have determined the motives it is best to understand why you still feel like she is perhaps the only person for you.

Secondly, it is to your advantage to stop chasing after her. This may seem unnatural but it will be the determining factor in finding out if there is really any hope in a relationship. People always want what they can't have. Chasing her and doing all that you can to rekindle a relationship out of fear for being alone will appear to be desperate. 

The final suggestion that I have is that you really spend the time that you are not in contact with her or trying to get her back that you focus on yourself. Take the time to do the things that perhaps you weren't able to do while together. Spending this time to yourself will provide you with the essential time you need for healing and getting your head clear.

Hope this helps,

Josh


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

SillyMan1 said:


> No offense taken, but what's wrong with loving my girlfriend of almost 4 years and wanting her back? I appreciate there are many signs in my story that should tell me to walk away - but unless she tells me clearly " i do not love you - i do not want to be with you" I cannot just let go. Are women not able to speak clearly at times like these? :/


There's nothing "wrong" with it but that's irrelevant. 

She's not interested in being with you anymore, she wasn't giving you any sex or affection during the time you were throwing money at her in a lame attempt to buy afffection, and it's tearing you apart in an emotional sense. If you can live with that then sure you could keep her around and just keep buying her stuff while she makes excuses why she can't spend time with you and directs all her attention at one or more other guys.

The irony is, when these sorts of things happen, the only chance you really have is to kick her ass to the curb and only then might she realize what she lost and she just might be the one begging to come back. When you turn into an admitted clingy needy sap using your financial resources as a bribe, it's so unattractive that any feelings she might have had for you will go right down the drain.

You almost can't even blame her for using you because you've made it too easy for her. 

Next time you find yourself in a situation with a woman who isn't all that into you and who is directing her attentions to another guy, rather than saying "whats wrong with trying to buy her love" go with "screw that there's a lot more women out there, good bye and good luck".

It will work much better for you, I guarantee it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. I agree. Stop being a doormat.


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