# Is this cheating



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Fiance and I broke up in early November and I moved out. Her and I Saw each other very regularly, I slept over a lot, we still had sex and we were trying to rebuild something. 
She had to move and her ex husband paid for movers and stuff. She turned to him when we broke up. Well Saturday I found out they had sex. I'm devastated! Tgey always had an innapropriate relationship and he has propositioned her many times for sex. Even offering money. 
So, is this cheating? Was this her way of paying him back? Oh, he's in a serious relationship by the way. 

So far she has boy apologized or said she is sorry for hurting me. We have barely spoke and she is ignoring my texts and emails. 

Please help. If she asks to be forgiven should I consider it?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jdesey said:


> Fiance and I broke up in early November and I moved out. Her and I Saw each other very regularly, I slept over a lot, we still had sex and we were trying to rebuild something.
> She had to move and her ex husband paid for movers and stuff. She turned to him when we broke up. Well Saturday I found out they had sex. I'm devastated! Tgey always had an innapropriate relationship and he has propositioned her many times for sex. Even offering money.
> So, is this cheating? Was this her way of paying him back? Oh, he's in a serious relationship by the way.
> 
> ...


NOPE!!!

Yes this was cheating, as it sounds like you guys were working on things. Find a better woman.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

You *broke up *and she looked elsewhere. I don't consider it cheating, as you weren't really her plan 'A', but that description doesn't matter. If she wants to come back, she will indicate it. Don't read into things. Just take the information at face value.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Fiance? Yes, it is cheating.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

No, accept the relationship is over and to her you were a stop gap. You have learned the hard way an ex is an ex for a reason and cannot be part of a new relationship. 

I suspect she is ignoring your texts out of a desire not to be reminded of who she is, and wat she has done.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I agree with 3x. We were working on things. The only kicker is that I have made humongous mistakes in 2015 that I want to be forgiven fir. Not infidelity, but financial stuff that ruined us. 

But this was my biggest concern with her and her ex husband. I'm sure she feels justified as we were not living together and he helped her. 

All I want is an explanation and apology


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jdesey said:


> I agree with 3x. We were working on things. The only kicker is that I have made humongous mistakes in 2015 that I want to be forgiven fir. Not infidelity, but financial stuff that ruined us.
> 
> But this was my biggest concern with her and her ex husband. I'm sure she feels justified as we were not living together and he helped her.
> 
> All I want is an explanation and apology


Then you really need to be done with her, that ex will always be looming over the relationship. Bad news. Let her go.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

jdesey said:


> Fiance and I broke up in early November and I moved out. Her and I Saw each other very regularly, I slept over a lot, we still had sex and we were trying to rebuild something.
> She had to move and her ex husband paid for movers and stuff. She turned to him when we broke up. Well Saturday I found out they had sex. I'm devastated! Tgey always had an innapropriate relationship and he has propositioned her many times for sex. Even offering money.
> So, is this cheating? Was this her way of paying him back? Oh, he's in a serious relationship by the way.
> 
> ...


If you were broken up at the time then no it's not cheating. The better question is why aren't you sleeping with other women also?

If you want to keep sleeping with your ex to get some physical needs met fine but it's stupid to get emotionally attached and act like she's still "your girl".

She's not, she WAS your girl. She's now an ex who can fvck whoever she wants until she commits to you again. It's not her job to explain that to you.

Sounds like you two have serious communication issues and because of this, were not on the same page. Maybe part of the reason she's an ex now?

Hit the gym, start dating other chicks and move it along. She has no intention of rebuilding anything she's happily boning her ex husband. Now you know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdesey said:


> Fiance and I broke up in early November and I moved out. Her and I Saw each other very regularly, I slept over a lot, we still had sex and we were trying to rebuild something.
> She had to move and her ex husband paid for movers and stuff. She turned to him when we broke up. Well Saturday I found out they had sex. I'm devastated! Tgey always had an innapropriate relationship and he has propositioned her many times for sex. Even offering money.
> So, is this cheating? Was this her way of paying him back? Oh, he's in a serious relationship by the way.
> 
> ...


So, you and her were still having a loving, sexual relationship of a kind.

However, she sort of kinda forgot to advise you that she was also having sexual relations with at least one other man, he ex-husband.

Was she cheating on you?

Yes! Yes she was!

Oh, yes. Do please remember to thank her for risking your health by exposing you to the potential risk of a STD or HIV. (Please do get tested as soon as you can.)

And her ex was offering pay for play? :wtf:

As regards to paying him back? Doubtful. She probably just wanted sex with him.

As for forgiving her, that's something you want, is it?

I am dubious about the wisdom of that.

Why? Because I think she may have been having sex with her ex throughout your relationship.

Sorry, but that is what I fear, based on what you have said. I hope I am wrong. But...


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Yes 3x you are right. I have put my foot down before to cut off the ex, she dies it but then we get in a fight and she goes to him. He is 11 years older than her so kinda like an advisor. They only had step kids between them. He never could respect proper boundaries and she would never piss him off cause he is like her fall back. 
This sucks! I love her so much. But this is the worst thing I could ever imagine. If she has sex w any other guy I could get past it. But not with the ex husband. They have been divorced for 8 years.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why do you want be with a women that knowingly sleeps with a man that already is in a relationship?

And no it's not cheating...you broke up and just because you were the only one "working on things" doesn't mean she was doing the same.

Sure she told you what you wanted to hear, but the reality is she is just looking to get laid.

Lets face it, she has no respect for a committed relationship......hers or anyone else.....and thats obviously!

Run forest run!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You broke up yet continued to have sex with her.

That's your problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You broke up and you moved out. Relationship was over. As I recall, she had to move because you got the two of you evicted. Maybe she did sleep with her ex for payback for helping her move. It's none of your business. You were desperate for her to take you back and she was desperate to get rid of you.

Move on to another woman who doesn't have all this baggage and her ex hanging around. Try taking a course in personal finances before you get involved in another relationship.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

the guy said:


> Why do you want be with a women that knowingly sleeps with a man that already is in a relationship?
> 
> And no it's not cheating...you broke up and just because you were the only one "working on things" doesn't mean she was doing the same.
> 
> ...


Just be glad that this happened before you actually married her! My ex divorced me to remarry his first wife, so I know of what I speak!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't know if it is exactly cheating. Maybe close to it but it depends on what you two said when breaking up and trying to rebuild.

It would be enough for me.

Any women that has ever got it in her head that she can fvck me and someone else was gone, without discussion, as soon as I found out.

Let her loose. She has horrible standards if nothing else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

To the guy. Good point. What about the lack of respect for her ex husbands girlfriend. The committed relationship that he is allegedly in! Damm good point.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She did cheat on the wife of her ex.

I would inform her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jdesey,

You need to speak with the woman the ex is currently involved with, she needs to know what a rat he is and that he had sex with your w. The ex needs to know you will not tolerate another male trespassing and that you will take action. 

After blowing that up, dump her she is not a keeper and will continue to break your heart every time there is stress in your relationship.

Tamat


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yep.

I'd say dump her, but it would appear that you've already been dumped.

Either way, should she start to sniff around again, tell her to get lost.

Better yet, go dark and ignore her altogether.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jdesey said:


> I agree with 3x. We were working on things. The only kicker is that I have made humongous mistakes in 2015 that I want to be forgiven fir. Not infidelity, but financial stuff that ruined us.
> 
> But this was my biggest concern with her and her ex husband. I'm sure she feels justified as we were not living together and he helped her.
> 
> *All I want is an explanation and apology*


Accept that you'll get neither and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would rat him out, he was quick to interfere in your relationship....frankly either your in a relationship or your not, your a cake eater and she is definitely not over him...but he should suffer the consequences of his actions


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

if i'm understanding correctly (because it's a bit confusing), you had officially broken up, but afterwards casually came together to have sex occasionally.
if this is accurate, then technically you were not exclusive, unless 'we were working on things' there was a clear understanding to be exclusive.

if this is accurate, then i would say she was not technically cheating, but as another poster pointed out, she should have made it clear she was seeing someone else
along with you to provide you with emotional as well as cautionary (STD's) awareness. that would have been the honorable thing.

you know what? after all is said and done, although she may not have been technically cheating the whole situation would make me run away.
maybe not technically cheating, but less than honorable for sure. bottom line: i think she strung you along. sorry, you can do better.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

I always take the position that an ex is an ex so leave them behind.

That includes not having sex with them.

Let her go and make your life better.

She couldn't be the wife you wanted. She can't give you the understanding and apology you wanted.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

You were broken up but if their relationship has always been inappropriate this should be a red flag with lights blinking "to move on". She hasn't moved on from her ex husband.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Yes you are all correct. Call it cheating or not. We were allegedly working in us. It's still just wrong. And yes. She and him have never really moved on. She uses his last name even though her real daughter has her previous marriage name. 

Yes. Time to move on. I could never trust her again. I'm still in shock.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jdesey said:


> Yes you are all correct. Call it cheating or not. We were allegedly working in us. It's still just wrong. And yes. She and him have never really moved on. She uses his last name even though her real daughter has her previous marriage name.
> 
> Yes. Time to move on. I could never trust her again. I'm still in shock.


Out them to the OM's wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I would love to out them. I have no way to contact his girlfriend. I don't even know her name. 

This is the second woman to cheat on me. The first was my ex wife. It hurts so bad


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I wouldn't recommend getting back together with her at all.

But you haven't made it clear whether you guys agreed to be exclusive while you were broken up and still sleeping together. Did she agree not to see anyone else, or did you just assume that was the case?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

jdesey,

I understand the pain, stand up like a man and.....

Expose the OM professionally on linked in and etc, put up posters around his workplace.

Expose the OM to his family, parents, siblings, grandparent whomever.

Expose your GF to her people.

You can and will find the OM GF put in the effort.

This is a good story to tell your next GF or Wife, it may filter out cheaters since it shows you will not take it lying down and they will move on to some cuckold.

Tamat


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

As far as exclusive, we had an understanding that we were. She git upset a few Saturday nights ago when she thought I was on a date. I asked her several times if she was talking to other men. 

None of it makes a difference. This hurts so bad. To the other poster. I have told every woman I have ever dated that cheating will not be tolerated. And I'm my book it's cheating if you got to hide it. Like favebooking, texting , etc. 

This sucks


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It will be painful.

you know that already; you're in pain

but you will be allright.

you're already getting it and ahead of the curve for situations like this.

heck, you're only human. There would be something wrong with you if it didn't hurt.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Thank you lady poster. I guess talking it out helps. This forum is great. At least I can say that I never cheated. I forgot to add that I unknowingly helped her cheat on a guy in 2014, we were broken up and I had no idea she had a new boyfriend when she begged me to come to
My place and screw her. 

So she's just not faithful.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I agree with everyone else, let this one go.

She will never apologize or give explanation, because she does not care.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jdesey said:


> All I want is an explanation and apology


An explanation....she is a serial cheater,,,she cheated *with you*, She cheated on you (trust me you just didn't catch her) and now, during this "break up" she wants to work it out while seeing her ex.

She is a monkey...she will never release a branch until she has another one to grap. She is a cake eater. She lacks boundaries and has no moral compose.

As far as an apology...forget about it! In her head she did nothing wrong and her way of thinking is pure selfishness....why would she apologize when she feels no guilt?

She is a user and if you bang her ever again then except the emotional torture to continue.

Ya this shyt is painful but it will get a lot better if you distance your self from her. This chick is toxic to your emotional health.

So dust your self off and remember it's not what knocks you down that matters...it's how you get back up that counts.

So for your own well being please go dark on this one and start looking for another.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Yes I am trying to accept that no apology or explanation will ever happen. She's not responding to any emails or texts. I'm sure you're right. Why would she apologize if she sees no wrong. 

She still has a ton of my stuff in her storage place that I need to get. Then yes I need to go 100% dark. 


Then I know she will get tooled over by her ex and when she comes running back to me she can forget it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You know she will come back...she's done it twice before....and if you take her back you will be here again.

I suggest you play her game until you can get your stuff...but you will need to be very careful you don't get emotionally sucked back in.

If you don't have the emotional strength to play her then maybe just let that stuff go.

Stop contacting her...trust me she will contact you...when she get blown off by her ex....just give it time.

And when she does want to meet...tell her you will meet her at the storage unit and after you will take her some were nice. The after you get your stuff run like hell and never look back.

Figure it this way...she most likely payed this month storage...so you have a month to wait for her to want her itch scratched by you and will surely be calling you....trust me.


Right now she thinks she has your numbaer ans no matter how she treats you you will always be there.

If you want your stuff sooner find a fake girl friend and post it on facebook!!!!!! then work my plan to meet at the storage and offer to take her some were nice after wards.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

If she thought I had s girl she would come in glued. That happened before. There's not much to do. She's not communicating. Yeah you're right. She will get blown off by him and then I will hear from her. 

The really suck thing is that I love her so much. That makes it so hard to walk away forever. It took me over 8 years and literally dates with over 200 women to find her and fall in love. I really did see us together forever. 


So sad


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Been there done that!
You are in love with the women you think she is.
The women you though you knew no longer exists but she will come back then she will leave then she will come back then she will leave.

This women has a lot to learn and it could take years.....but the fact remains for now she is toxic to your emotional health.

Hell she may never get right...she could go through the rest of her life thinking "it's them not me"!

Commitment has little meaning to her she just sound so selfish.

Once you get through the withdrawls and stop trying to contact her you will start to heal.

Get to the gym, get back into the things you enjoyed before you guys met, work on your self.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are still gonna go after this woman as soon as she gives you the opportunity. You are having trouble with moving on. You've got to accept she is a cheating **** and move on. No need in being mad at her ex-- this was all HER fault. Wouldn't you want to bang her if you could? 

Start enjoying life single for a while. Build your happiness on your own progress. Once you are indifferent to this woman, then date a little. Get her off your mind by chatting up single women online. But don't get entwined with one. Enjoy life. Unhappiness is all in our minds. You gotta choose to be happy, then make it happen. It will!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> Enjoy life. Unhappiness is all in our minds. You gotta choose to be happy, then make it happen. It will!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Worth repeating!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unequivocally, what has been described is nothing more than textbook "cheating!"

The "call" is largely your's to make inasfar as to try to seek an apology, but I believe that she doesn't give a rat's a$$ about your feelings as it is probably her ex that is responsible for fostering her cheating ways!

I think that it's time to place this skank squarely in your rear view mirror! You deserve so much better out of life!

*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdesey said:


> Fiance and I broke up in early November and I moved out. Her and I Saw each other very regularly, I slept over a lot, we still had sex and we were trying to rebuild something.
> She had to move and her ex husband paid for movers and stuff. She turned to him when we broke up. Well Saturday I found out they had sex. I'm devastated! Tgey always had an innapropriate relationship and he has propositioned her many times for sex. Even offering money.
> So, is this cheating? Was this her way of paying him back? Oh, he's in a serious relationship by the way.
> 
> ...


You've got to be kidding. Go back with a woman who emotionally cheated on you throughout your relationship? Who was having sex with both of you? Gross.

You deserve better than that. Find a decent woman.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Yes it's cheating. I already decided that. She's not asking me to take her back. I just hope that if it happens I'm strong enough to say no. 

Already flirting with women online. Working out. Be w friends


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

It's really on you, ethically, to find her ex's girlfiend and let her know. You could literally save her decades from her life by spending an hour to track her down


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is not cheating, you had broken up yet using each other for sex. You were not in a committed relationship so she could sleep with whomever she liked, you have no 'claim' to her at all!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

aine said:


> It is not cheating, you had broken up yet using each other for sex. You were not in a committed relationship so she could sleep with whomever she liked, you have no 'claim' to her at all!


Agree. Not cheating. But she is now the ex's AP, so she is still a low life scumbag.

Move on without her. But get your stuff back first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Thank you everyone. Whether it's cheating or not I know I feel horrible pain. Time to be done. 
Today is going to be day 1 no contact. 
Staying busy at work. Working out. Talk to gal from online dating site. 


Please give me any ideas on how to get rid of the pain.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exercise, volunteer somewhere, join a sports team, join a club of some sort (poker, chess, whatever), go to meetup.com events, call up your old friends and reconnect.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

do whatever you can to stay busy:
work out - especially lift some weights.
hang with friends
do hobbies (fish, hunt, bowl, golf whatever)
180 your ex.

BTW, I think you assumed you were exclusive, even though on break, so from your perspective, she was cheating. She can claim the technicality, but really, who gives a bleep about that.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

We were exclusive. She got upset when she thought I was on a date w another woman 2 Saturday's ago. 

And besides. Cheating or not. This ongoing thing she has had w her ex husband was always innapropriate and wrong. She would never just shut him out. He was always sex texting and proposition her for sex. No regard for my feelings on it. I will never get involved again with a woman who has that level of relationship with an ex.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

jdesey said:


> We were exclusive. She got upset when she thought I was on a date w another woman 2 Saturday's ago.


What she did was inappropriate.

But her getting upset about you dating does not make you exclusive. Both of you verbally agreeing to be exclusive, makes you exclusive.

I know that doesn't lessen the pain. But I hope you've learned something about assuming you know another person's intentions.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Ok. I guess in the future I need to ask in specific language if we are exclusive. Lesson learned. 
And yes. It doesn't lessen the pain. Her ignoring me and offering no apology makes it all so much worse.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

jdesey said:


> Ok. I guess in the future I need to ask in specific language if we are exclusive. Lesson learned.
> And yes. It doesn't lessen the pain. Her ignoring me and offering no apology makes it all so much worse.


I agree. If you're broken up, you especially need to ask in clear and specific language! The idea that you can break up and still be exclusive will not compute for most people.

That being said, she sounds like a crappy girlfriend. Let her ignore you, you don't need that noise in your life. Go out with friends, hit the gym, read a good book... no need to sit around dwelling on what she's not doing for you. The pain will pass over time.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Thank you for your kind words and advice. No contact is very hard for me. How do you go from being connected everyday All day to absolute zero? I want explaintion and apology and closure. But that won't happen. 

I hate this


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

jdesey said:


> Thank you for your kind words and advice. No contact is very hard for me. How do you go from being connected everyday All day to absolute zero? I want explaintion and apology and closure. But that won't happen.
> 
> I hate this


I understand how you feel. But contacting her just prolongs the pain, forcing you to dwell on what happened. And an explanation won't help much, it'll just be her rationalizing why what she did was okay. That won't make you feel better. SHE won't make you feel better... I'm sorry, but she just won't.

Sometimes we've got to push through the pain, learn our lesson, and trust that time will heal us. Doing good things helps me feel better... volunteering at a food bank or nursing home, something like that. Helping other people and making them happy helps me find my balance in the world.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What worked for me ...every time those bad thoughts entered my head I'd tell my self " I deserve good things".
I repeated it a million times a day.

So force those negative thoughts out by saying "I deserve good things" over and over.

Don't let the pain in by focusing on positive things like working out and get back into a hobby.... stay active.

You can also talk to your doctor and get some meds.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

jdesey said:


> Yes it's cheating. I already decided that. She's not asking me to take her back. I just hope that if it happens I'm strong enough to say no.


Oh this WILL happen, once you have gone NC long enough she will start to wonder what you are doing and miss the attention you gave her. Expect her to start trying to contact you in a few weeks so prepare yourself so you are not so taken off guard. Whatever she tells you though short of an apology isn't going to mean anything, it will be her just testing to see how much control she still has over you. Your best bet will be to ignore her regardless of what she says.

Also to add as a rule of thumb when contacting a woman DON'T send follow up messages if they don't respond. It makes you look needy and pathetic. Once the the ball is in their court leave it there, they got your message. If they don't respond then that itself is a response so just walk away and resist the urge to get in a last word.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Thank you last couple posters. Great advice. I guess I never thought that no reply is actually a reply sort of. 

I will keep
Repeating. "I deserve great things"

When she contacts me I hope I'm strong enough to resist. I have caved in every other time. But this is the mist hurtful thing she has ever done. I mase a list of all her negative traits and behaviors. I am reviewing it daily


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jdesey said:


> When she contacts me I hope I'm strong enough to resist. I have caved in every other time.


Self Esteem
The Offspring
I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over, I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert

Now I know I'm being used
That's okay, man, 'cause I like the abuse
I know she's playing with me
That's okay 'cause I got no self esteem

We make plans to go out at night
I wait 'til 2 then I turn out the light
This rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so

When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well, I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah

Now I'll relate this little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
She's drunk again and looking to score

Now I know I should say "No"
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb but I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well, I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abrn8aVQ76Q


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Look at T breaking out The Offspring...



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Ok. I did great. No contact for 3 days. Then she contacted me. The usual fight and train wreck happened. 
So back to no contact today


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Stay strong!


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