# Intro



## Tahoe2 (4 mo ago)

Hello, I’m new to this forum and trying to find better ways to navigate my separation and possible divorce. My story is probably familiar to many. My wife suddenly decided to leave me without warning after 18 years of marriage. I realized when she said she was leaving how poorly I had treated her. I always expected her to be there. I had acted like I didn’t care about her for so long that passion and intimacy disappeared. I did not make her feel attractive and she said she did not know who she was anymore and wants to be happy. She never said she was unhappy or things needed to change, but I am to blame for showing lack of interest in her for several years and taking her for granted. I feel awful that I made her so unhappy, but I have asked for forgiveness and I try not dwell on it. We have now lived separated for 4 months and she seems very content to wait out the 12 month mandatory waiting period in our state. At first I had hope but it is fading fast. Her coldness and lack of emotions hurt the most. We have 2 children who seem to be doing ok with the current arrangements, living with me 2 days and her 2 days and alternating weekends. I am struggling with accepting it is over and what will be next if we don’t reconcile. I live in a state that I do not want to stay in, but am in the military nearing retirement and we bought a house about a year ago. I don’t want to disrupt my kids lives, but I’m not sure I can live down the street from her for several more years for the kids.
I am a believer in Christ and know things work together for good, but it is extremely hard when the thinking about starting over and not having the security a marriage gives.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

sorry you find yourself here with thsi situation? had there been any discussion from her in the past about what she wanted you to do? also in the 4 months since she has gone has she been seeing anyone ?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Tahoe2 said:


> Hello, I’m new to this forum and trying to find better ways to navigate my separation and possible divorce. My story is probably familiar to many. My wife suddenly decided to leave me without warning after 18 years of marriage. I realized when she said she was leaving how poorly I had treated her. I always expected her to be there. I had acted like I didn’t care about her for so long that passion and intimacy disappeared. I did not make her feel attractive and she said she did not know who she was anymore and wants to be happy. She never said she was unhappy or things needed to change, but I am to blame for showing lack of interest in her for several years and taking her for granted. I feel awful that I made her so unhappy, but I have asked for forgiveness and I try not dwell on it. We have now lived separated for 4 months and she seems very content to wait out the 12 month mandatory waiting period in our state. At first I had hope but it is fading fast. Her coldness and lack of emotions hurt the most. We have 2 children who seem to be doing ok with the current arrangements, living with me 2 days and her 2 days and alternating weekends. I am struggling with accepting it is over and what will be next if we don’t reconcile. I live in a state that I do not want to stay in, but am in the military nearing retirement and we bought a house about a year ago. I don’t want to disrupt my kids lives, but I’m not sure I can live down the street from her for several more years for the kids.
> I am a believer in Christ and know things work together for good, but it is extremely hard when the thinking about starting over and not having the security a marriage gives.


Remember, there is often times a large part of that verse left out, work together for good for those that love him, who have been called for His purpose. That relations has to be brought under His authority sir really. But there is hope because of Christ for sure.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and a huge step you’ve already taken is to realize your part in it. That’s a major, major thing, I just wish it hadn’t been her leaving that brought it to light. That makes everything harder and less genuine probably for her. Example “Oh, now you realize?  Now you want to care?” Sucks.

Stay in prayer, as the spirit to wreck you and her if that’s what needs to be done. Don’t be afraid of it for sure.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You can live somewhere close enough to share custody of the kids. You may want to make the intervals longer, like a week on, a week off to minimize if one of you bugs the other one or is still trying to be some way dependent or calls too much, there are special websites for parents sharing custody to agree to only use email communication through that website to minimize the content and aggravation, and rules are it's limited to necessary discussions only about the kids and only about necessary things about the kids. The emails are kept and are certified for court use if someone starts harassing the other. 

Doesn't sound like you have that problem at least. But it can be a good thing to put firm boundaries on communications so you are not still just getting the worst of the marriage and the worst of the divorce. And to give you time and space to recover and grieve and move forward without always wondering what they'll think. 

I would say get off of each other's social media right now so you don't get in the habit of keeping up already. 

You'll have to stay in the same approximate locale if you share custody. I suppose you could both agree to move somewhere else if you both don't want to be where you are, but that's very rare. She won't be able to just take the kids far away and neither will you. But you'll work that out and get used to the idea. You don't have to be on the same block and I wouldn't advise that you are. Hope things look better for you soon. 

Thank you for your service!


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