# Separation, seeing other people - does it help?



## pandorabox

I'm married for 20 years. The marriage started collapsing almost 10 years ago and all my effort of fixing it hit the wall. A while ago I decided the separation will be the best option but due to finances we could only separate as far as different rooms. It made me feel better putting cards on the table - I stopped feeling like I'm in the cage. Regained a bit of my sanity. From time to time I would have to remind H that we are NOT together. Few good days without arguments a bit of laugh and he would think it's all back to normal.

Anyway, recently I started seeing someone and I guess it started showing as my H wants to talk shop again. He never initiated conversation like this before.
I repeated that I still think we need a break from each other to see if it's possible to fix our relationship. 

The question is: Did any of you tried it and got the marriage back?

I gave up on my marriage at least 2 years ago and new partner really makes me happy but I would never forgive myself if I wouldn't try just this one more time.


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## Entropy3000

Dumb question. Sorry. Does your roomate / hubby know you are dating others?

This seems like some level of an open marriage.


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## aston

Sometimes you have to leave to find your way back. When you start seeing other people you go through the motions and have enough time to retrospectively re-examine what roles both of you played that led you where you are.
Furthermore, as the dust calms and the anger and resentments disappears you will start to realize there are just some things that weren't worth the energy expended. The anger etc just fades, and you never know...it might make you connect again. Maybe not back together as a couple but I've seen strange things happen.


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## pandorabox

Oh well, I think my questions are pointless now anyway. I tried to give my marriage last shot yesterday so I spoke with my husband seriously and we agreed to meet in a restaurant.
How did it go? Great - I laughed a lot .......... at how naive I am. I couldn't even feel angry or sad, I just laughed and laughed - HE FORGOT!!!


Well, I guess that showed me how much he cares .

Anyway after I came home and gave him piece of my mind we had a discussion about his tax problems. To make story short - he didn't pay his various business taxes for 4 years. Now it reached around 80K and tax department giving him only one year to pay. 
I have a friend who is one of the best accountants in my city, audits other accountants and does really good connections with tax department. I managed to get him appointment with her to help him out - FOR FREE.
He said he will go as long as she can make it disappear. If it involves paying it off - he is not interested.
He prefers to go bankrupt and go on the dole and move out from my house so tax doesn't connect me with him. By the way - he added - he want be able to contribute any money for a while.
I couldn't believe my ears - he knows without money from him I can not hold into the house. With the price drop in Real Estate I don't even have any equity. I'm pretty much F$^()D!

I cried for a while but then I realized what an eye opener it was. That man is not my "husband" or the "father" of my kids - he is an useless, egoistic, lazy prick.

I found him a job which would let him pay off those debts in 2 years, found him $400/h accountant to make it possible.

He rather will see me and the kids on the street.

Big D - here I come.


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## indiecat

Yes it's amazing how we can forget what asses they are, and then we talk to them and they remind us why we just can't tolerate them for more than an hour!


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## pandorabox

You right - the only time I can actually talk to H at all is over the phone when we are both at work. And ONLY about the business.


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## This is me

This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully


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## brokenbythis

pandorabox said:


> Oh well, I think my questions are pointless now anyway. I tried to give my marriage last shot yesterday so I spoke with my husband seriously and we agreed to meet in a restaurant.
> How did it go? Great - I laughed a lot .......... at how naive I am. I couldn't even feel angry or sad, I just laughed and laughed - HE FORGOT!!!
> 
> 
> Well, I guess that showed me how much he cares .
> 
> Anyway after I came home and gave him piece of my mind we had a discussion about his tax problems. To make story short - he didn't pay his various business taxes for 4 years. Now it reached around 80K and tax department giving him only one year to pay.
> I have a friend who is one of the best accountants in my city, audits other accountants and does really good connections with tax department. I managed to get him appointment with her to help him out - FOR FREE.
> He said he will go as long as she can make it disappear. If it involves paying it off - he is not interested.
> He prefers to go bankrupt and go on the dole and move out from my house so tax doesn't connect me with him. By the way - he added - he want be able to contribute any money for a while.
> I couldn't believe my ears - he knows without money from him I can not hold into the house. With the price drop in Real Estate I don't even have any equity. I'm pretty much F$^()D!
> 
> I cried for a while but then I realized what an eye opener it was. That man is not my "husband" or the "father" of my kids - he is an useless, egoistic, lazy prick.
> 
> I found him a job which would let him pay off those debts in 2 years, found him $400/h accountant to make it possible.
> 
> He rather will see me and the kids on the street.
> 
> Big D - here I come.


You had better tell him Bankruptcy DOES NOT discharge federal and state taxes. He's in for a shock. Maybe he'd better consult with a BK attorney too if he doesn't believe you.


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## pandorabox

This is me said:


> This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully


If you look at the original post - it was in the right area - it's a situation which changed.

Brokenbythis - You are right and that's why it's idiotic. I'm so happy I bought the house in my name and so is my business. So I won't lose those as long as I will manage to make enough money to pay for mortgage, schools and food


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## Omegaa

pandorabox

Money problem is a major problem in any R.

It's a really big one. I always had this problem with my Spouse from the beginning.
Now he's heavily in debt (not as bad as yours) and it's bound to affect us and our R. I suggested him to seek some guidance in the past. I may do so again after seeing this thread.

Marriage needs to be functional and when you have serious debt/financial issues in your marriage that your h is not dealing with, that is not going to help restoring any trust. 

Yes, it's a shame. I admire your strength to try to stay with someone who compromised your welfare so much. Hope you get out unharmed.


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## C-man

I don't think separation under one roof works unless there is some sort of agreement that you are separating for alone time. No matter how bad your relationship, dating or seeing somebody while you are still living under the same roof is a recipe for a LOT of stress. For yourself as well as for your soon to be ex-partner.

IF you are separating under one roof to truly get some "space" and to think about the marriage then don't muddy the process by getting involved in another relationship. You are probably in no shape, emotionally, to get into a relationship. While you are in a relationship, you will not be able to objectively review your marriage. In fact, you will be creating every excuse why your new relationship is justified and you deserve it. You may already be doing it.

House is in your name - so you can make the rules, but I think you're doing yourself a disservice by seeing other people while living together. It just won't work.


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## dymo

Do you happen to be the same pandorabox who posts on Doccool?


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