# ok, now im the really confused one ugggh!



## catch22gofigure

So today after many days of wanting my husband back home, trying to analyze his motives i feel like ...just move on already.

He is constantly over or calling ( we communicate about 12-14 hrs a day ) He is always checking to make sure im ok or are the kids ok , if we need anything financially , and so on and so forth. This man has even started praying together with me about my current employment situation (something we've never done in 19 yrs ) what the heck is wrong with me is what I am now wondering. He is doing everything in his power to make me happy EXCEPT talking about coming home or reconciliation. He has asked me if I will move in with him to make things more affordable for us financially. .hellloooo you're the one who moved out is what is going through my head. I don't know what our deal is. Family and friends say we are crazy and will be back together soon. I say no. Though I want that badly I feel it will be a false reconciliation unless he can learn to open up about his true feelings, something his pride and ego won't let him do I dont think.

Any insight and coments are welcome...i just had to vent for a min


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## lostwithouthim

Sounds genuine to me  When my H wanted to get back with me the first time round, he used to call me every morning for a chat. One day he said he thought he was going through a male menopause and wasn't happy with the OW. I took him back, but 12 years later he's left again. Not for another woman this time (or so he tells me!) but because he feels we've been living together as friends for the past 4 years and he doesn't feel anything for me anymore.
During our time that we've been separated, I've done a lot of thinking. I've worked out that I've never fully forgiven him for his affair and that is why the intimacy wasn't always there. I know now that we should have gone to MC or for me to go alone if he didn't feel it was necessary.
If your husband is serious about wanting to live with you again I would seriously suggest going to MC either on your own or both together. Your husband can also have separate appts to you. I'm currently having counselling on my own, but it is not marriage counselling. I went through the Church, but she says that you don't have to be a Christian to have Christian counselling. The service also does MC and it's cheaper than going to somewhere such as relate and quicker as well! I wouldn't move out of your home and move in with him, that doesn't sound ideal. It sounds like he feels he can't live alone for financial reasons, so you really have to insist on MC. It also sounds like you are not going to give in to his demands too easily, good for you  I know my husband is finding it hard to cope financially, but then it was his choice. He should've thought about that before he left me! I certainly won't want him back unless I knew he wanted to come back for the right reasons, Good luck and keep us posted


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## catch22gofigure

I hear ya...i mean don't get me wrong I love him dearly and do want to reconcile. But im 180'ing his azz the best I can. The overwhelming attention is just that to me right now (well today anyway ) , overwhelming. He is not gonna get back in that easy after all the bs emotions i've went through since he moved out. Unh uhh no way. Dont quote me on this though. ..lol this heckuva a rollercoaster ive been on. I'll probably be crying and wanting him again tomorrow. We cant afford counseling so ive just been reading and doing it all alone so far. I doubt he'll go anyway. He thinks more like he dont want anybody in his business. ..smh


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## lostwithouthim

Catch22, are you in the UK? If so I recommend that you speak to your local Church or diocese. You don't have to be religious to access their services and they are normally free counsellors or pay a donation. My counselling is supposed to be £15 a session but I can't afford that. She still gives me the same service whether I pay or not! I know what you mean about easier said than done, I'd probably do the same. But for the sake of our sanity, we need to be strong. If we end up crying and accepting them back, then a few months down the line and they'll be off again!


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## whitehawk

Hi Catch , sorry about your troubles.
Why would you both move to his house btw , what doesn't he like the old house or something?

Catch what did he actually say about why he wanted to move out ? He must have given some sort of reasons .

Right now about all I can really tell is he's confused right now about what he wants .
Sounds like he wanted away time for awhile to try and work that out . But now maybe one , he's feeling the pinch and finding it hard to stay away and two , he feels guilt about not looking after you now - in his eyes and so he's trying to do that still even though he's not actually there - that and he does still care about you.

It's really hard to tell though because really there's nothing to go on. How has he been with you over the last year or two ? Has he been happy , his normal self , no complaints , distant , not interested in conversation , grumpy , snappy , any outbursts and if so about what ?


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch22, are you in the UK? If so I recommend that you speak to your local Church or diocese. You don't have to be religious to access their services and they are normally free counsellors or pay a donation. My counselling is supposed to be £15 a session but I can't afford that. She still gives me the same service whether I pay or not! I know what you mean about easier said than done, I'd probably do the same. But for the sake of our sanity, we need to be strong. If we end up crying and accepting them back, then a few months down the line and they'll be off again!


No I'm in the US


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hi Catch , sorry about your troubles.
> Why would you both move to his house btw , what doesn't he like the old house or something?
> 
> Catch what did he actually say about why he wanted to move out ? He must have given some sort of reasons .
> 
> Right now about all I can really tell is he's confused right now about what he wants .
> Sounds like he wanted away time for awhile to try and work that out . But now maybe one , he's feeling the pinch and finding it hard to stay away and two , he feels guilt about not looking after you now - in his eyes and so he's trying to do that still even though he's not actually there - that and he does still care about you.
> 
> It's really hard to tell though because really there's nothing to go on. How has he been with you over the last year or two ? Has he been happy , his normal self , no complaints , distant , not interested in conversation , grumpy , snappy , any outbursts and if so about what ?


Ok, really the majority of it I believe is me and my mouth and way I handled my grief. In my first post on TAM i touch on all weve been through the past two years. There have always off and on been good and bad times but we work as a team to get through them. I am generally a talkative, outgoing, spontaneous person. The backbone of my peers , immediate ,extended, and in lawed family. When I lost my mom and almost my kids months later (in a car accident) IT BROKE ME DOWN. My way, I now see that I coped with it was by introverting. I had no words , little emotion, and lots of anger . My mom was given the wrong meds, died with no insurance, my two younger siblings are poorer than me and I had to fight with just about all my blood family that showed up ( my mom was given away ). He on the other hand in our many years together has never lost anyone close to him, has a close knit responsible family, and had no idea how to console me other than just sitting there staring at me. I grew to resent and shut out everybody I felt that I have encouraged , helped, loved along the way for not rescuing me or assisting in helping me out of this internal tormoil. He acted as if I was to just jump up and keep it moving because life goes on. This hurt me deeply and I began to question my true value in everyone's life , including his. He has always been a provider, but never an emotional person really. So he took what was my grief really as someone would take a 180 so to speak. That was the reason for my second post to TAM. He took it as if I was not appreciating him, shutting him out, and cutting him off. He says I live in my phone. However, im a talker. He's always at work so the people who were communicating and consoling me were doing so via phone, text, email, or facebook. I needed that to pull me through. I didn't leave the house, rarely let people im after tje funeral, and so on and so forth. We have a wild sex life, but that even stopped . I mean who feels like swinging off chandeliers when your mom is lying cold ? I had two seriously injured kids from a accident that happened only months after mom, my oldest was so injured that we had to care for her son for 3 months all the while we still have a teen and preteen at home. It was too much for him I guess. He said one day he was sick of me cutting him off amd belittling him (we had a technology fuss, I am a heavily technical person ) and many people say he is intimidated by my intellect. Idk. He is a hands on laborer who makes decent money in plants and manufacturing. I love him dearly , i just feel like when the going got to far out of his realm he panicked. On top of everything else the day Mom passed. I was laid off from my job.
Now that im going through a tough time financially again due to lack of work. He is being all that he can be to me it seems. I've been so hurt before that im scared to trust it. So ive been searching online and reading to try and counsel myself. Ive been here before and emerged before emotionally and know I can do it again. It's just this time with us separated, by his choice ...i kinda feel like ...uhh why now ? I really just want an apology, a good soul searched apology. I dont think he has the ability to. Due to some childhood issuesbhe has with abandonment. That little boy had to learn to suppress that part of him to cope. But if that's my deal breaker...do i lower my deal breaking standards and do what I do best , make things right for everybody. Or do I remain in my stubborn form and demand what I want from him as he usually gives in to my requests. The only request he has never given into...is tapping into hurt or uneasy emotions within himself.


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## catch22gofigure

Yeah im long winded, sorry you all.

But our day to day now is as it was before he moved out. Frequent sex 2-3 x's daily, we share finances...though mine are FAR less than his, He advises me in my job search, we talk about our goings on and convos with others throughout the day...what we've heard on the news or through relatives and friends, the kids, grand kid and the one on the way, things we need to do for ourselves future wise. ..just no talk about all the hurt and pain two people who seem to love each other so much have caused each other. No talk of getting back as a family ...i am looking as much as I can to get myself some IC. He is not gonna go...pretty sure of this he thinks he's ok. He was raised this way...they say im animated and dramatic. I say im in tune with my emotions. I may not be in control of them all the time; but im in tune with them.


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## lostwithouthim

Catch22 I really feel for you  You've gone through a lot in your life and it sounds to me that he wasn't there to support you through this. Don't blame yourself, it wasn't you that broke the marriage up! How is your family now? have you still got a houseful to look after? 
My husband says I have issues with my phone as well, it's just an excuse. Just because they don't use their phone all the time, doesn't mean that you should stop.
We look to friends when we're not getting enough attention at home. With my husband he was always on his computer, but if you tell him this he'll deny it.
As for getting him to do jobs for you, do you think that this has brought you closer together and is the start of his return? I have found that the more independent I am, the more he hates it as he is not needed. This winds him up as he likes to think I am still needing him. 
In the UK we have a scheme called skill share. Do a search for it online and see if there's a similar one in the US. Basically you offer a skill in return for another skill, for example - you could offer to do some ironing in return for someone to come round to do the gardening.


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## catch22gofigure

Hmm thanks, ill have to check into the skill share thing. Well yes/no to your question of it bringing us closer. It's brought us closer than we have been in a long time. But no closer to a resolution. I think he wants to rug sweep. I am not having it. Today I still feel like I'll let it all go first. Then there is my spiritual side that is telling me to stay in the fight. I've assisted him in coming to be so much of a better person. i think he's forgotten who was there by his side all along. Since my last reply he has called twice. I stayed the night over last night and woke up to breakfast...so he is asking have I eaten lunch. I lied and said yes because his contact is messing up my 180 attempts. ..lol , no seriously. I can't push him away too much as this is what got my behind in this boat anyway. I never call, text, or email him. He initiates all contact. Everytime he has left me the key to his apt for various reasons, i lock the door behind me and leave the key there. Im refusing to accept it. Its like he is subtly trying to be transparent ; but I need to hear his words. Some say actions speak louder..but to me...with it being him. It would take some real effort for him to be able to do so.


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## lostwithouthim

I wish there was a rule book that we could follow that says when trying to reconcile don't do this, do that, etc. lol. I get confused as to whether to let him help me or not. I suppose the one way of looking at it is reverse psychology, but then the other way of looking at it is he's happy that I've moved on.
I've tried to remember what it was like before when he first moved out 12 years ago and what brought him back to the realisation that we should be a couple not separate. It took 8 months for him to realise last time and I'm pretty sure that I used to everything myself or got someone in to do it. I do know that I had moved on and was reluctant to take him back. My son was only young then, rightly or wrongly I took him back for my son thinking that I will one day love him again. I know that someone on here is going to judge me for doing that, there's always someone to put a spanner in the works on here and make me feel low again!
It did work, I did learn to love him again but now it's happened again! I would prefer that he came back before I'd moved on or at least pretended that I'd moved on.
It's his birthday tomorrow and I don't know whether to get him a card or not. I don't know how he would react.
My spiritual side of me wants to hang on as well, IMO marriage should be for life and not getting out when the going gets tough. We are not the weak ones here, they are! anyone who can quit on their marriage at a whim isn't a strong enough person to hold it together.


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## catch22gofigure

Honnnneyyy , we my friend , are kinda in the same boat. I know I need his help financially, yet for reconciliation causes I feel I should not accept it. And that too was one of our issues. He said I'm so independent, I don't let him be a man. I try and do it all myself when I have a husband. The whole holiday, birthday, anniversary thing I have not gotten to yet , but I understand what you feel. Do you or dont you, especially when in my case my lack if showing affection at times is a part of the problem that I have to own. He calls me day and night something he's always done while at work. But trying to do 180 do I keep it strictly business ? When in the past and I was in my moods...I was doing just this...again something that I have to own was part of the problem. I'm listening, reading, and taking all advice. But most of all praying. ..cause only God knows what the heck i really should be doing. Because I sure as heck don't at times.


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## whitehawk

Sorry we made you repeat it all then Catch , think of it as venting 
But yeah , see the problems now but I'll 
have to come back when more time to think . Lots of right in there people round here though Catch , should keep this thread now that you've set up the story and they can see what's been going on and chip in.
But hey sex 2-3 times a day not even living together, must take some doin. :scratchhead:


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## catch22gofigure

Yeah, thats what im saying (about the sex ) ..he is here right now at my house. Came straight here after work. He is off the weekend so im sure me and the kids will likely spend it at his apt. So there is plenty of time daily for us to make that happen. I truly appreciate anyone's input on this. I want to hear from people of all backgrounds on this one. Friends and family want us to end the separation now, but I want to hear from people that don't actually know us.


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## whitehawk

You know what catch , just passing through again but while I'm in the area for what it's worth.
I wouldn't divorce or stay separated. I mean even the fact that your still sexing it up after all this and all those years , not bad at all.
He does still love you and he cares for you very much , and he still desires you - not too shabby at all.
What if he was to work at giving you a little bit more of what you need from him emotionally , and you were to tone down down a few notches - hopefully you meet a happy medium somewhere around the middle , or something like that ! :scratchhead:

Also on his time a lone , he might come to realize finally , just what a huge thing all that has been for you.
My x never got my emotions on anything I was goin g through . It was a different story when it was her though.


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## lostwithouthim

Morning Catch from "sunny" UK  Spent more than half an hour on the phone last night to hubby, talking about this and that. He's got my son over next Friday and asked me where I was going. I told him and I may be wrong but he sounded disappointed that he wasn't going. I don't think it was necessary because I was going, but I'm going to see a local band that's really good 
He's always been soppy about birthdays, which is why I'm surprised that he's not invited his son over to spend the day. I think he's probably expecting a card from me, so I'll make him one to give to him tomorrow.
I always feel a lot brighter and happier when I've been chatting to him on the phone. I hope he feels the same.
I agree with Whitehawk on this, whilst he's living away from you I wouldn't have sex with him. He's got it made at the moment, he's got his freedom and his sexual needs. That's one thing my hubby is not getting off me! Not even if he moves back in, I need to feel happy and secure with him first and even go to therapy with him.
Have a lovely day


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## catch22gofigure

Im giving it thought. I've decided today that when he comes for the kids today. Im denying the offer to go too. Im gonna just say I want some alone time this weekend. Let him get a feel of total responsibility of the kids (teens ) who bore so easily. I want badly to go over just as much as he may want me to. I feel I have to give him a little more room to feel the affects of what he has done by leaving. I'm afraid to be hurt again. The fear of losing him forever is hurtful; but the feelings I felt when he first left was agonizing. I never want to feel this again. Even these confusing and apprehensive feelings I have now suck greatly, when he could just man up and actually verbalize what he's feeling or thinking. I know if I ticked him off or made him mad he could surely find the words to express anger. Its just sadness, hurt, grief, pain that he cant seem to express. Sucks for me being such a analytical person. But it makes.it worse for him because his holding back makes me feel unworthy for him not to share such emotions with me. Which causes me to do what im trying my best not to do now and thats withdraw from him. Idk...just woke up and find its gonna be yet another confusing day. I don't wanna throw in the towel...then again i'm like this is just too much work. Too consuming so to speak...


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Morning Catch from "sunny" UK  Spent more than half an hour on the phone last night to hubby, talking about this and that. He's got my son over next Friday and asked me where I was going. I told him and I may be wrong but he sounded disappointed that he wasn't going. I don't think it was necessary because I was going, but I'm going to see a local band that's really good
> He's always been soppy about birthdays, which is why I'm surprised that he's not invited his son over to spend the day. I think he's probably expecting a card from me, so I'll make him one to give to him tomorrow.
> I always feel a lot brighter and happier when I've been chatting to him on the phone. I hope he feels the same.
> I agree with Whitehawk on this, whilst he's living away from you I wouldn't have sex with him. He's got it made at the moment, he's got his freedom and his sexual needs. That's one thing my hubby is not getting off me! Not even if he moves back in, I need to feel happy and secure with him first and even go to therapy with him.
> Have a lovely day


Hey hey !! Sounds like progress to me ! I would agree in making him a card. To make one instead of purchasing one takes great thought and will show him that it truly came from the heart. Yes the sex thing may be the hardest of it all for me to stop giving into. My nature...ugghhhh , my nature. ...lol Im working on it though. The furthest ive been able to go is 3 days. Im shooting for it again starting today.

It does make ya feel good to hear from them. And we all like to feel good even if for a lil while. Im learning not to expect anything and watch and listen to everything when it comes to him. Hopefully this will work out great for us all. I for one am not feeling really confident about it right today though. I know him and feelings and opening up is what he just cant do. All the while its what I need to even consider reconciling.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> You know what catch , just passing through again but while I'm in the area for what it's worth.
> I wouldn't divorce or stay separated. I mean even the fact that your still sexing it up after all this and all those years , not bad at all.
> He does still love you and he cares for you very much , and he still desires you - not too shabby at all.
> What if he was to work at giving you a little bit more of what you need from him emotionally , and you were to tone down down a few notches - hopefully you meet a happy medium somewhere around the middle , or something like that ! :scratchhead:
> 
> Also on his time a lone , he might come to realize finally , just what a huge thing all that has been for you.
> My x never got my emotions on anything I was goin g through . It was a different story when it was her though.


I appreciate your advice so much. It hits right at home for me everytime !:iagree:


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## catch22gofigure

WhiteHawk
Ya know what comes to mind for me about my situation? 

To be or not to be, that is the question....

Yeah im a lil silly at times you all and posting all over the place as I learn the way its supposed to go here...quotes and quick replied and such....blah blah blah. Hopefully you all can understand what im trying to do and say.


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## whitehawk

Hey Catch , thanks darlin but hey , my life's screwed anyway so I wouldn't take much notice of me :scratchhead: 

Don't worry about that other stuff , hell I've got crap everywhere too, doesn't matter. I envy the ones that persist with their thread though . They get followers that learn there situation and really ride along with them was all I meant . I've made a couple but the one main one really helped me in so many ways.

Talking calls and stuff , yeah me too. I'm not suppose to though am I mines of with om. But ha , she does too I can hear it.
And this last few days my text is playing up and she's in a real panic , did you fix it did you fix it ?
In all honesty though I feel like saying what do you fkg care !
Ahwell , just some more confusion to put in the pile


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## lostwithouthim

It b***** is too confusing for my liking! It's like they want to get on with their life, but they don't want you to get on with your life. I like to think it might be because they're confused as well and they don't know what they want. As me and my hubby never actually argued and fought when he left, it's very hard for me to move on. I should've have done what I did the first time and threw his wedding ring at him and a photo frame, lol. I've been very calm and collected this time and today I feel like I just want him back. I want him to believe I've changed and I can make this marriage work, but I can't even talk about things like that with him at the mo.


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## catch22gofigure

He is on his way now to get the kids, wish me luck on staying my behind home. Hopefully he wont even ask...but idk....


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hey Catch , thanks darlin but hey , my life's screwed anyway so I wouldn't take much notice of me :scratchhead:
> 
> Don't worry about that other stuff , hell I've got crap everywhere too, doesn't matter. I envy the ones that persist with their thread though . They get followers that learn there situation and really ride along with them was all I meant . I've made a couple but the one main one really helped me in so many ways.
> 
> Talking calls and stuff , yeah me too. I'm not suppose to though am I mines of with om. But ha , she does too I can hear it.
> And this last few days my text is playing up and she's in a real panic , did you fix it did you fix it ?
> In all honesty though I feel like saying what do you fkg care !
> Ahwell , just some more confusion to put in the pile


Thanks for understanding how I post. So many peoples threads are so organized, I was kind of embarrassed. But Right ! That's how I feel , why do they effin care ??!! I'm like all those months i sat dying for compassion while grieving. But all of a sudden you are so concerned with my emotional well being. At the same time though, i know he is the love of my life. He just got some crazy hang ups...idk.

Oh and you're life is not screwed. I have been able to go back and read some of your threads and have been able to gather and take a lot from them. Know that one day some how some way. We'll be able to make perfect sense of all this. From a test to a testimony or either as an experience that we had to go through to be able to help someone else through it, as you have been doing for me. To me this site is therapeutic. Even situations unlike my own ive been able to gather and gauge from


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> It b***** is too confusing for my liking! It's like they want to get on with their life, but they don't want you to get on with your life. I like to think it might be because they're confused as well and they don't know what they want. As me and my hubby never actually argued and fought when he left, it's very hard for me to move on. I should've have done what I did the first time and threw his wedding ring at him and a photo frame, lol. I've been very calm and collected this time and today I feel like I just want him back. I want him to believe I've changed and I can make this marriage work, but I can't even talk about things like that with him at the mo.


Do you think he has sought any professional help ? I sure wish my H was open to that. He'd s**t bricks if he knew I was on a forum of this nature. But heck I cant talk matters of the heart with him. It's not just since the separation either. He's always been like this. He'll go so far until he realizes he's tapping into deep emotions and , zooom ! He shuts down. It seems your H is looking for you to graval and beg this time too. He is apologizing, but wont say ge wants to come home. I wondered earlier if maybe my own H is wanting that too. I am oh so sorry though. Just as he has a big ego, so do I. I refuse. I take ownership for my part in us getting to this point ;but I am not the one who threw up the white flag and left.


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## lostwithouthim

I take it you didn't go out with H and the kids then? good for you  I did get annoyed with him one saturday but haven't done since. I think even if I grovel and beg he still won't change his mind and come home. In fact the advice I've been given is not to grovel and beg as it will just keep them away!
Like you, my husband didn't talk frank with me and that's why when he left it came as a complete shock! I don't really know what I've done wrong, I've always been a good wife to him (or so I like to think!). I admit that I didn't go to bed with him as much as I should, but if that was an issue then he should've done something about it. When he had the affair, I didn't feel like making love to him because of where he had been! I know I'm repeating myself here, but I do wish now we could turn back the clock and go to therapy or counselling together.
I wish I could talk to him now, but it's still early days for him. You sound very optimistic that he is starting to come round to R. I hope you are right!
He hasn't been to any professional help as such, but he does talk to a life coach who is a member of our church and he is opening up to her. She is life coaching me at the moment and bless her she is doing it for free  
What is driving me nuts is that I don't know where he is living and with whom. He tells me he is living at his mates and I think he lives about 45 mins away. My son tells me that he is going to go to his dad's place tomorrow for the afternoon.
Well the day started off good, I was happy and cheerful but now I feel miserable again! I started giving the rooms a good clean, but then got so fed up I came on here instead.
As for your posts, I'm afraid mine are haphazard as well so that makes 2 of us! It's so good to meet 2 positive people like you and Whitehawk who want to save their marriage instead of some people on here who tell you just to give up and blow them out!
As for being on this forum, I get paranoid. Sometimes people write stuff that sounds so much like my husband I think eeek he knows I'm writing on here and is following me. He looks after my son whilst I'm at college and he could easily get on my computer and look in my history! Maybe I am just being paranoid, IDK!


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## catch22gofigure

He hasnt made it here yet. He is at his moms doing some things for her. Today is an annual family event for them food, music, and stuff. His mom just called me asking me to go. I refused. They all want us back together and tell me I will always be their family. She is a sweet lady and I do love her as my own mom. I just had to tell her politely that me and her son are not together and I don't find it appropriate to attend this year. She sounded disappointed ;but I just dont feel like participating under these conditions.
Well do you think your son will let you know where he is staying after he goes ? Its been a pleasure meeting with you and white hawks minds as well. After first scouring the site for months before joining. I didn't think i'd meet anyone receptive what I'm going through.


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## lostwithouthim

I agree Catch22, in fact at the beginning I was ready to give up as someone really upset me on here and made me really depressed. I think my son will let me know where his dad lives, but he gets confused as he has high functioning autism and trying to get any information out of him is like trying to get blood out of a stone.
Like you, I get on well with my mum in law as well, she's more like my mum than my real mum. She would love to see us get back together. I asked her today if she knew where he lives and she said she didn't! She said she hasn't sent him a b/day card this year, she's so annoyed with him for giving up on our marriage so easily. I don't think that will make the ride smoother for him or not. He has to make his own mind up and he can't be bullied into coming back. 
I'm glad that you decided not to go to the family event this year, I bet you're disappointed though 
I feel a bit brighter now, so I think I'll carry on scaring the cats with the vacumn cleaner, lol. They hate it!


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## catch22gofigure

Well my depression has kicked in. Its gonna be so hard for me to 180 him. This makes me sad....


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## lostwithouthim

Sorry to hear that catch  Keep away from him whilst you are depressed and don't talk to him. The last time I was really depressed, I texted him and had a rant at him! I don't think that was a good idea, lol. Just don't 180 him, leave him be at this moment.
I wish I could say something to help you at this time, but I know what depression is like and it's hard 
I was reading a book today that said that when you feel low, feel your energy and concentrate on it. It seemed to work for me! Here's a virtual ((((hug!))) for you


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## catch22gofigure

He came , I refused , I DID IT !!!! He kept repeating that I am more than welcome to come over..i just kept sayimg no, id like to but I cant.I said that I have some things i'd like to do this evening and maybe have a drink or two with some friends. He's called since he and the kids left and opened the invitation to come over. I told him I was gonna have a little me time tonight, he said ok. So that was that. TRUTH IS I don't have jack diddly squat to do. It's. Raining like cats and dogs here so...TAM is probably stuck with me tonight...


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## catch22gofigure

And then he came back....
This time for swimming trunks for our son. ..

Sooo he says see ya later on hunni bun
My reply: when you bring the kids back Sunday ,don't forget their glasses. Im. So proud of me !!! Now to stay strong the rest of the night...


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## lostwithouthim

Well done you  You go girl!! Hopefully it'll make him realise that he's got to do more to win your affection back! I'm on here on and off tonight as well, nothing else to do! Apart from make his b/day card that is, if I can be bothered, lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Well done you  You go girl!! Hopefully it'll make him realise that he's got to do more to win your affection back! I'm on here on and off tonight as well, nothing else to do! Apart from make his b/day card that is, if I can be bothered, lol


Yupp 1 i have to be careful as to not come off as a nasty attitude. I have a strong peronality and im often perceived that way if there's tension in the air ...i dont try to , My aunt says im one of those people who ya can sometimes read in my face what going om in my mind...lol but people get it wrong A LOT ! So smiling it is. I do know that a smile almost can never be fully read  , so smiling it is. I do that often , so i'll be comfortable with that on the next encounter. I will however, answer the next call.or text. I am seeking reconciliation ; however there are deal breakers for me too. I refuse to fix it alone this time. I deserve that much. If I can see just an ounce of fight...ill put back on my fighting gear. But as of right now, my little white flag is slowly rising. Every woman has a breaking point. :slap:

I'll probably not be this empowered as the day grows shorter...but for right now im just gonna bask in all its glory right now....:corkysm60:


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## lostwithouthim

Is part of R answering all texts? my X sent me a text last week that basically said that my son can buy him this or that for his birthday. I'd already got his present so didn't bother answering his text. When he rang me later, he asked if I'd got his text and I said yes but I didn't answer it because it would spoil the surprise. Since then he's seen the present and already guessed what it is! I think he was slightly annoyed that I hadn't answered his text as he keeps bringing it up. He's going to collect my son from Church tomorrow and always asks if I want a lift home. I always say no, but then he is curious as to why I don't want a lift home saying oh is there something on?
It seems ok for him not to answer his texts though, I sent 2 today that he didn't respond to. What r the rules on this? lol. Do I answer all his texts even though he ignores mine? hmmm IDK!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Is part of R answering all texts? my X sent me a text last week that basically said that my son can buy him this or that for his birthday. I'd already got his present so didn't bother answering his text. When he rang me later, he asked if I'd got his text and I said yes but I didn't answer it because it would spoil the surprise. Since then he's seen the present and already guessed what it is! I think he was slightly annoyed that I hadn't answered his text as he keeps bringing it up. He's going to collect my son from Church tomorrow and always asks if I want a lift home. I always say no, but then he is curious as to why I don't want a lift home saying oh is there something on?
> It seems ok for him not to answer his texts though, I sent 2 today that he didn't respond to. What r the rules on this? lol. Do I answer all his texts even though he ignores mine? hmmm IDK!


That is what I don't know. See some of these folks I feel are needing to move on. I can certainly understand why in some cases; so then they do need to 100% enforce the full 180. Me on the other hand ...that is most of our issue. Me pulling away.. so im scared to overdo it. Since they left hrs ago I have gotten 3 calls and a visit from him subtly trying to get me to come with him and the kids. See we have always spent our weekends as a family unless he is working. So he is really feeling the affects of his choices today if not any other. It's taking everything in me not to take him up on this offerray:
So im praying hard to stay strong.
I'm curious, what are you gonna write inside of his card ? I'm so dang bored without the kids here. The internet is really being my friend today. At least you have a project to work on. I don't even have laundry to do. I sent it to his house for him to do for them. ..hey we shared the duty when he was here, only fair


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## lostwithouthim

Hey there! I wrote to (his name) from (my name) and a smiley. Didn't know what else to put! just hoping that he's not going to just throw it back in my face!
It's no wonder you're confused, he's got one foot in the door and always had done. If you were doing 180, you'd do the laundry yourself.
See what he's like after he drops the kids off. You never know he may want to come back! If not, I do think you should have a chat with him. Tell him that you're confused, ask him how he sees you? Does he see you as a friend or a wife? The sex bit is even more confusing but I think that's cake eating!
I am assuming that my husband is going to be distant towards me tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll stay for a cuppa as my life coach has given me a few tasks to do this week!
Maybe you should get yourself a project to do. Is there anything that you've thought of doing but not got round to it? Such as scrapbooking, card making, cross stitch and my favourite one at the mo is upcycling clothes. We've got a programme over here called Superscrimpers that teaches you to spend less. If you go here - Mrs Moneypenny's Scrapbook from Channel 4 there's tons of things to do on there to save you money 
I'm finding I'm getting bored in the evening as well and do some cards for next Christmas by recycling old Christmas cards. You can also do mini cross stitches to stick on the front of the cards. I keep meaning to do cards for Father's day to raise a bit of money for the Church, but I've not got round to it yet!
There's a book that people on here are talking about called "love dares". I think if I was in your position, I would get it  It sounds really good, but I don't think it would suit me in my current situation. I'll keep you posted as to how things go tomorrow!


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## catch22gofigure

Oh ok , sounds appropriate. Hopefully he won't throw it back at you. Is he angry with you for some reason ? Why would he do that ? I wonder too why he won't answer you ? Maybe he'll come around soon.
Yeah I coupon but I'm also ADD so nothing holds my attention too long. Y eah the 180 thing is kinda touch and go with me it seems. My thing is that if we are going to share parenting then...share we will. Even the kids laundry. I had to sit through a 4 hr ceremony the other night because both kids are in a local group. He was at work. It just happened to be on many laundry night Shooot I see it as a fair swap. He didn't complain though. He toted them out and then checked to make sure that was everything that needed to go.
I do have the book Love Dare and watched Fireproof, i just haven't started on the book yet. May do that tonight...


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> And then he came back....
> This time for swimming trunks for our son. ..
> 
> Sooo he says see ya later on hunni bun
> My reply: when you bring the kids back Sunday ,don't forget their glasses. Im. So proud of me !!! Now to stay strong the rest of the night...



On ya catch . He came back for another shot at some fun , bet on it. But hey feels like [email protected] anyway like that don't you think.
He's gotta "feel' the pinch here for his own good. 
Can tell you one thing , if a guy feels it's so easy , he doesn't learn a thing and he loses respect so fast he's wheels are spinning.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks for understanding how I post. So many peoples threads are so organized, I was kind of embarrassed. But Right ! That's how I feel , why do they effin care ??!! I'm like all those months i sat dying for compassion while grieving. But all of a sudden you are so concerned with my emotional well being. At the same time though, i know he is the love of my life. He just got some crazy hang ups...idk.
> 
> Oh and you're life is not screwed. I have been able to go back and read some of your threads and have been able to gather and take a lot from them. Know that one day some how some way. We'll be able to make perfect sense of all this. From a test to a testimony or either as an experience that we had to go through to be able to help someone else through it, as you have been doing for me. To me this site is therapeutic. Even situations unlike my own ive been able to gather and gauge from



Ah , should see some of mine , I spend days after fixing them sometimes. One of the nicest things about people round here catch , no one gives a toss we all have real things to worry about hey. And thanks to catch , hope your right , A lot of people think we do have our karma coming after going through this hell , hope their right because I can't wait for mine :smthumbup:

Strange what you say though , mines all concerned about me too .
4 days after blowing our family to bits after 18 yrs, she just walks in the front door to see how I am .
She's an on call nurse , l felt like one of her fkg house calls. 
Couldn't even look at her though and pretty well said just get out of here will you.
She still offers and does that much for me even now , even if it's gonna leave her flat broke or she's that tired she can't even stand up. She'll still jump in the car and race out to drop somem off or whatever.

Maybe she's still just nursing me - who knows .


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## catch22gofigure

Yeah he's called twice more for absolutely nothing. Only says well baby. im just checking on ya. I mean what is he expecting could happen to me ? He only lives like 10min away. I badly want to be over with him. I just know its best if i dont go. Something tells me I will get another call or visit before the night is out. We'll see. Its kinda like when your parents tell you "this is gonna hurt me more than it does you , but its for your own good" my name on here is so fitting tonight. I feel im in a catch22 situation. ...sighs


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Ah , should see some of mine , I spend days after fixing them sometimes. One of the nicest things about people round here catch , no one gives a toss we all have real things to worry about hey. And thanks to catch , hope your right , A lot of people think we do have our karma coming after going through this hell , hope their right because I can't wait for mine :smthumbup:
> 
> Strange what you say though , mines all concerned about me too .
> 4 days after blowing our family to bits after 18 yrs, she just walks in the front door to see how I am .
> She's an on call nurse , l felt like one of her fkg house calls.
> Couldn't even look at her though and pretty well said just get out of here will you.
> She still offers and does that much for me even now , even if it's gonna leave her flat broke or she's that tired she can't even stand up. She'll still jump in the car and race out to drop somem off or whatever.
> 
> Maybe she's still just nursing me - who knows .


These spouses we have are truly weird individuals right now. This time around through I will lose it all before I just give in. I'm gonna pay for this non compliance though...i know it. I know him....just waiting and ready for whatever.

I'm so impatient though. I'm about to say, to heck with this stupid game already...i give up its too much. Besides my life is in limbo behind this. If he can't get right, he can definitely get left.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Oh ok , sounds appropriate. Hopefully he won't throw it back at you. Is he angry with you for some reason ? Why would he do that ? I wonder too why he won't answer you ? Maybe he'll come around soon.
> Yeah I coupon but I'm also ADD so nothing holds my attention too long. Y eah the 180 thing is kinda touch and go with me it seems. My thing is that if we are going to share parenting then...share we will. Even the kids laundry. I had to sit through a 4 hr ceremony the other night because both kids are in a local group. He was at work. It just happened to be on many laundry night Shooot I see it as a fair swap. He didn't complain though. He toted them out and then checked to make sure that was everything that needed to go.
> I do have the book Love Dare and watched Fireproof, i just haven't started on the book yet. May do that tonight...


Hey Catch22, The day that he left me and my son had been to sealife and I bought him a gift from there. I had no idea he was going to leave that day, so that's why I bought him a gift. I put the gift in a bag for him to take, along with a note saying just that I'd bought it for him, nothing heavy or anything. That really upset me. I just feel that he might do the same with the card, who knows :/ 
I don't know why he's not answered my texts. He always does this! I can have a long chat on the phone with him the day before and then he goes cool on me for the rest of the week.
I suppose we have a similar situation to you two in that he has to be here for my son whilst I'm at college. He doesn't do his laundry though, I've always done that anyway.
I normally go out with a friend whilst he's taking my son out and make myself unavailable. Maybe if you arrange to be somewhere then he wouldn't have to keep popping round and making excuses to see you. Join a club, meet a friend or go for a long walk.
Has he brought the kids back yet? How did it go? I don't understand why he keeps calling you pet names, no wonder you are confused! I also got an email from Mort Fertel who writes - 
if your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about the affair, the attention you're not getting, or whatever. If your timing is off, trying to solve your problems will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you'll ever find resolution. 
Go to go as I'll be late for Church. Speak later


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## catch22gofigure

Oh ok I see now. I'm sorry you had to experience that. Well hopefully this time will be a totally different experience for you. H is a sweetie most times unless stressed. So really it's the norm for him. I went no.contact at all on H for two months after the initial separation. Every since I started back communicating (3 months ago ) he has been in consistent contact. I just have to make sure that if he ever poses the offer to come back that certain things have to be in place for me to allow it. If thst can't happen for me , unfortunately I have to let it go. That is something I don't want to have to do. I have daughters as well that I have to be an example for. My heart and my mind have to be on the same accord with this one. My mind knows.that I know my worth. My heart says he's trying ,cut him some slack. I don't want to stop all contact again, that's moving backwards I feel. I just hope one of these days that ill be able to get some of my hearts desires met, without settling, just because. 

He is a great dad too. So there is no arrangement for getting the kids. Just whenever he is off he gets them for quality time with them. They love their dad dearly and im certain that no matter what happens with us this will remain the same for them.I knew they wouldn't be back tonight. When he gets them its for the weekend , so they stay overnight. He used to get them Fri-Sun. But he had to work last evening and just came and got them Sat. I cook ,clean, handle school stuff, act as a walking search engine for my son daily...so this week I decided that he can do their laundry. Parenting is more than child support or walks in the park. I'll be the first to ake sure he doesn't lose site of all I do on that end as well.
I dont fear being alone. Im.still very young, attractive, smart , and a social butterfly... so that's not an issue. I get hit on daily whenever im out. Grocery stores, kids.functions,.FB, or.even just an.errand to the gas station. The attention of others is not what im in.search of though, im in search of a deeper kind of love. One that I know is attainable in this life. Who knows what the outcome will be. I just pray that things start moving in that direction soon before I give up totally.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> These spouses we have are truly weird individuals right now. This time around through I will lose it all before I just give in. I'm gonna pay for this non compliance though...i know it. I know him....just waiting and ready for whatever.
> 
> I'm so impatient though. I'm about to say, to heck with this stupid game already...i give up its too much. Besides my life is in limbo behind this. If he can't get right, he can definitely get left.



Mum always said patience is a virtue and I tell you , I have payed the price for impatience . Even this now , was a lot to do with it. But , I know the game your feeling too. I tend to feel the 180 stuffs too much gaming , dunno if it is though.
I do know some couples will get much further just doing things how they do things . As they always say though it about your own well being first of all.

I dunno. Do know grovelling's no use. For us , I have no choice . I can't be some pathetic part time best friend x husband, especially when she's seeing om.
Sometimes I've felt disgusted for even talking to her.
Dunno , still figuring it all out but I do know I'm backing right away from here on. Seeing some of her , was sort of reminding her to me , of what we can be. No way she's ever gonna match that , even she said that. But , it's not enough right now and it's been 6mths so for my own good I have to keep my distance from here. Probably move on . As a friend here and I have been discussing , I can do that now but , I can also leave the door slightly ajar too for awhile.

Yours is different , we need more opinions. I do think don't be too easy though and definitely put him on a diet.
Gotta watch that to though , is their any other women handy for him , could backfire .


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## catch22gofigure

Yep my thoughts exactly. That's how I think about it..putting him on a diet. As for another woman handy. Dont know. I don't think so, there are many desperate woman around so i'm sure it could be feasible. I guess I have to take my chances with that one. If im that easily moved on from then it'll make my decision that much easier. That patience is something else. But its mentioned in the Bible right along with a hefty description of love....ahhhh, the webs we weave


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## lostwithouthim

I agree with Whitehawk, I would put him on a diet as well  My husband accepted the card I gave him and thought it was good. My son went over to his place today to play on the wii U, so I was able to find out which town he lived in. Works out he's not living with his friend, he's living on his own about 15 mins away. When I asked my son what it was like, he said it's small! Part of me is glad he's on his own as he must get lonely which is why he talks to me on the phone for ages. Today though he was being quite distant to me, didn't want to stay here long and the text messages were short and sweet. He thought I would've got him a cake for his birthday, but my son had said that his dad had already got a cake. He said he hadn't, maybe a missed opportunity there or maybe I did the right thing by not getting him one. Definitely a case of cake eating, hehe.
I went out with a friend this afternoon for a carvery, went back to her house for a tea and then had a leisurely stroll back up to mine. I have to go out when he picks my son up as I'd be climbing the walls staying in.
He's been funny with a mutual friend of ours as well. She sent him a text to wish him a happy birthday and he didn't reply to it. She was not amused!
Catch and whitehawk, do you think the book love dare will be suitable for me or is it too early to attempt anything like that?
I also see your point about not wanting to go backwards with your hubby, you are certainly making progress 
Now I know he's living on his own, I can pack the rest of his stuff from the spare room. I didn't want to do that before as I thought he only had a bedroom to live in. I going to turn the spare room into a beauty room so I can use it when I'm qualified. That will give me a focus 
I hope though that he sees sense before it's too late and is willing to try again to work at our marriage. Only time will tell, I know I should move on but part of me is holding back!


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## catch22gofigure

I think Love Dare may be a bit premature. But I think 5 Love languages would be great. There is a disconnect somewhere I think and it may be the love Language. I have them both a re reading the 5 Love Languages now. I don't get why he its being so distant with you though. Who got him the cake I wonder ? And why did he not want you to know where he lived until now and it's only 15 min away? Seems if he is running or hiding from something. Why don't you all consider maybe dating each other to see how that goes. These scenarios we've found ourselves in are so difficult to know which avenue to take. I'm praying clarity for the both of us, White Hawk included .


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## lostwithouthim

He didn't get a cake, he assumed that I was going to get him one as I sent him a photo of some cupcakes, lol. I don't think he would consider dating me at the moment, he seems to think it's past all of that, he doesn't feel anything for me anymore and he keeps going on about these past 4 years when we have just lived as friends.
Just been on the phone to my mum in law to tell her where he was living and wish I hadn't bothered! I was telling her my plans for the spare room and she said well what if he wants to go the whole way and get a divorce and sell the house? First of all, he can't afford a divorce and secondly he can't sell the house when it's in joint names. She still thinks he can as I can't afford to buy him out. Even if he does petition for a divorce, I won't give it to him! She's depressed me now as she told me he keeps going on about the past 4 years and she said once that trust is gone, it's gone for good! That doesn't make sense as I've never cheated on him, I've always shown him love in other ways just not necessarily in the bedroom. When he came back earlier this year, we started working at the marriage and sleeping together again, but he said it just wasn't working out and he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. Sorry I've gone a bit maudling again, I don't think I'll be talking to my mum in law anytime soon!
I hadn't asked him where he was living or whether he was living on his own as he told me he was living at his friend's. He might've been living at his friends for the first few weeks, but it makes sense to be living 15 mins away and not 45 mins away!
To top it all I've just found out that my son has only had sandwiches for lunch, so that means I've got to cook for him! Normally when my husband takes him out, he takes him out for a proper meal so I don't have to cook in the evening for him.
Sorry I'm feeling very low at the moment, b****y mother in law!!


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## catch22gofigure

Aww im so sorry to hear that youvare having a sucky day. Seems as he has been talking to her a bit. Men usually do confide in their moms about these things. Mine does. He tells her everything and she tells me. He is wrong for not holding up his part of the meal deal without notice too. Not fair to you at all. Take a breather hun when you can. Its gonna get better , you gotta believe that. I am currently at my H's apt. He cooked Sunday dinner today. I came but still holding on to my diet so to speak. He told me i seem distant today. ...hmmm , so he notices ,huh. I wanted to say well there is a lot more to come from where this came from. Instead, I just smiled. Things are about to get interesting with us... i feel it coming. This "diet" is not gonna sit well with him. But hey who cares as long as i heal in the process of it. It's not for him..it's for me.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> He didn't get a cake, he assumed that I was going to get him one as I sent him a photo of some cupcakes, lol. I don't think he would consider dating me at the moment, he seems to think it's past all of that, he doesn't feel anything for me anymore and he keeps going on about these past 4 years when we have just lived as friends.
> Just been on the phone to my mum in law to tell her where he was living and wish I hadn't bothered! I was telling her my plans for the spare room and she said well what if he wants to go the whole way and get a divorce and sell the house? First of all, he can't afford a divorce and secondly he can't sell the house when it's in joint names. She still thinks he can as I can't afford to buy him out. Even if he does petition for a divorce, I won't give it to him! She's depressed me now as she told me he keeps going on about the past 4 years and she said once that trust is gone, it's gone for good! That doesn't make sense as I've never cheated on him, I've always shown him love in other ways just not necessarily in the bedroom. When he came back earlier this year, we started working at the marriage and sleeping together again, but he said it just wasn't working out and he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. Sorry I've gone a bit maudling again, I don't think I'll be talking to my mum in law anytime soon!
> I hadn't asked him where he was living or whether he was living on his own as he told me he was living at his friend's. He might've been living at his friends for the first few weeks, but it makes sense to be living 15 mins away and not 45 mins away!
> To top it all I've just found out that my son has only had sandwiches for lunch, so that means I've got to cook for him! Normally when my husband takes him out, he takes him out for a proper meal so I don't have to cook in the evening for him.
> Sorry I'm feeling very low at the moment, b****y mother in law!!



Just a quickie while I'm still mad at ya . Umm , don't talk to the in law about that stuff, she's his mum . Big no no according to tam!

ps , he was sulking from no cakey wakey .

ps ps , I envy you . Him living on his own is a huge ball in your court I think.

Triple ps . Personally , I wouldn't rush into that room either , just see what pans out for a few weeks.
See , being distant on him , then starting the room , that;ll read like your done to him , could backfire because from there he could well think right - fk her.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Aww im so sorry to hear that youvare having a sucky day. Seems as he has been talking to her a bit. Men usually do confide in their moms about these things. Mine does. He tells her everything and she tells me. He is wrong for not holding up his part of the meal deal without notice too. Not fair to you at all. Take a breather hun when you can. Its gonna get better , you gotta believe that. I am currently at my H's apt. He cooked Sunday dinner today. I came but still holding on to my diet so to speak. He told me i seem distant today. ...hmmm , so he notices ,huh. I wanted to say well there is a lot more to come from where this came from. Instead, I just smiled. Things are about to get interesting with us... i feel it coming. This "diet" is not gonna sit well with him. But hey who cares as long as i heal in the process of it. It's not for him..it's for me.


You just better not have cracked. And one more thing , if it backfires , I was never here


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> You just better not have cracked. And one more thing , if it backfires , I was never here


Lol @ I was never here... Well I told him last night that I want no more to do with the whole situation. Though I love him, I love him enough to let him go. He just sat there like a deer in headlights asking "what did I do ". See he'll never get it. This man needs help that . It's too emotionally draining for me. He wants to rug sweep amd I want to leave no stone unturned. It wont work. So im out. He called last night after I left and I simply told him we need to communicate only about the kids. He called this morning all chirpy talking about come over I've fixed you breakfast, I declined. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

White Hawk , i literally look forward to your input..swift and to the point, I like that


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## whitehawk

Ah Catch , don't take any notice of me I wouldn't know which ends up right now , 
Do know your best staying vertical though :smthumbup:
Unfortunately I do know all about frustration and rug sweeping too. It caused so much [email protected] with us , my x was an expert at it. As a matter of fact , I would not be here if she'd only told me what was going on. Even though I was asking 2 or 3 times a week for 12 mths.
I dunno , she still does it now.
It was just this thing she really had to work at but the minute she stopped , back to sweeping - she admits it. Her whole family did it . 

But he sounds dumbfounded , I don't get it . He fkg moved out on you , how the fk could he not know . Can't just move out on your damn wife and go on like nothings happened.


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## catch22gofigure

Exactly, well he'll know now. I done. It's far too draining for me. I don't feel im equipped to fight this long drawn out fight that some do all for a man...nope just cant do it. I'll regroup, get my life in order, and one day find a love that will make me be grateful that I left this craziness alone.


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## whitehawk

But catch , ya love him and I'm pretty sure he loves you a lot too.
Just had to have a re read. I think he moved out not because he doesn't love you or anything but it's almost like he thinks all your emotional stuff through all that, you shut him out and don't want him.
Sounds like he sat with you a lot through love and care , yeah couldn't find the words you needed but hey , he was there.

He sounds a lot like my ex. She often left me so needing for just words and you know what , she'd expect you up and about again in a wk too. Maybe because she's a nurse and she knows too much sympathies not all that good and a good nudge out the door is really what you need , I was never quite sure with her.
But I'll tell you what , she cared you know , a lot. And we're really lucky to have someone care and love us like that.
It use to frustrate me like you , needing those words and like recondition.
But sometimes now I realize she did , but she was a nurse and they can't get too soppy and have to be pretty tough in that way.
For all her good things though and her love , a little bit of frustration was a small price to pay . I just wish I'd got it back into perspective myself before it was too late.

I dunno about this 180 stuff for you , it's a totally different thing. Definitely stay vertical  . Maybe some space for him to just digest things a bit , but I'm thinking more sit down with him too . Tell him everything you told us . Then give him a few days to think about it.

I mean you guys have a lot , maybe this is just one part of him you should live with if he can't get it any better, But he probably could get it a bit better.


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Just a quickie while I'm still mad at ya .


Why R U still mad at me?
Do you really think it would backfire if I start changing the room round? It's him that's being distant with me, not the other way around.
Today I got an email from Mort that said talk to him and talk about something unofficial. So I texted him and mentioned about the fact that I can't remember the last time it was sunny on bank holiday monday. I didn't get a reply so that doesn't work.
Whitehawk, I wish I had a rule book that says what to do and what not to do. If I distance myself from him - that doesn't work, if I change something about the house - Then he might think f*** you. What do u think I should do?


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> But catch , ya love him and I'm pretty sure he loves you a lot too.
> Just had to have a re read. I think he moved out not because he doesn't love you or anything but it's almost like he thinks all your emotional stuff through all that, you shut him out and don't want him.
> Sounds like he sat with you a lot through love and care , yeah couldn't find the words you needed but hey , he was there.
> 
> He sounds a lot like my ex. She often left me so needing for just words and you know what , she'd expect you up and about again in a wk too. Maybe because she's a nurse and she knows too much sympathies not all that good and a good nudge out the door is really what you need , I was never quite sure with her.
> But I'll tell you what , she cared you know , a lot. And we're really lucky to have someone care and love us like that.
> It use to frustrate me like you , needing those words and like recondition.
> But sometimes now I realize she did , but she was a nurse and they can't get too soppy and have to be pretty tough in that way.
> For all her good things though and her love , a little bit of frustration was a small price to pay . I just wish I'd got it back into perspective myself before it was too late.
> 
> I dunno about this 180 stuff for you , it's a totally different thing. Definitely stay vertical  . Maybe some space for him to just digest things a bit , but I'm thinking more sit down with him too . Tell him everything you told us . Then give him a few days to think about it.
> 
> I mean you guys have a lot , maybe this is just one part of him you should live with if he can't get it any better, But he probably could get it a bit better.


I agree with Whitehawk Catch  You do love him and you should get back together but stay vertical until he makes the commitment to move back in with you. I guess we made the wrong decision by telling you to go 180 on him. You guys need to have a deep conversation. Tell him exactly how him staying away is making you feel and you want him but you don't want a cake eater!
lol @ Whitehawk about not having a cakey wakey for his birthday.
Whitehawk, why is it a huge ball in my court for him having his own place?
I promise I won't be talking to my mum in law again any time soon. If she wants to ring me then that's fine and we'll keep the conversation general  No talking about changing the spare room or anything. 
I do need to do something with the spare room though, it looks empty without the bed in it


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Why R U still mad at me?
> Do you really think it would backfire if I start changing the room round? It's him that's being distant with me, not the other way around.
> Today I got an email from Mort that said talk to him and talk about something unofficial. So I texted him and mentioned about the fact that I can't remember the last time it was sunny on bank holiday monday. I didn't get a reply so that doesn't work.
> Whitehawk, I wish I had a rule book that says what to do and what not to do. If I distance myself from him - that doesn't work, if I change something about the house - Then he might think f*** you. What do u think I should do?


Was only kidden lost , well sorta , the in law that's all . Shouldn't tell her all that stuff or ask them at a time like this , can't trust them . He'll know "her" version of every word of it by now to. Hell my in laws all exited because now she'll have her 40 yr old daughter back all to herself.


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## whitehawk

ps , om thinkin :scratchhead: but na , wouldn't touch the room yet . Well just make it a bit nicer.


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## lostwithouthim

Whitehawk, you mentioned it's a big no no according to TAM, do they have a list of stuff you should and shouldn't do when you have separated and trying to him back? I should change my user name to utterly lost! lol.
I was going to tidy the 3rd bedroom up and pack the rest of his books up to give him next time he's round, yes or no?
You haven't mentioned for a while how things are with you Whitehawk? any changes occurred?  You two have been great  It's been good having someone to talk to without being negative about the situation and sorta going through the same thing as me


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## whitehawk

Above there - only I would have to edit one line see what I mean catch !

Losty  Glad ya didn't make the cake . Sounds like he was sulking about that and it rubbed of to the friend too. That's a good thing, means he missed you not looking after him.
Your doing ok don't worry , no easy way with this stuff. Personally l reckon ya damned if you do and damned if you don't most of the time.
It's hard to know how he really feels. It's bad that he left once before and an ow but it's good that you guys made 12yrs after that.
Dunno what caused the first time but 12 yrs , that means he probably loved you alright to get back and go that far but that last 4 of not much action and affection , that was the deal breaker.

We had a way too bigger gap too for another reason and that really really damaged us both.

But he not only missed out but he would of felt you were a cold [email protected] too. And if he knew why it was , he would've thought in the end , fk this she's never gonna let that go, can't do it any more and he's bailed.
The key there is did he actually still love you though , just couldn't hack it any more. He said - he doesn't feel anything anymore. That could be resentment or it could be real .
We have to figure that out .


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## whitehawk

ps , at least his living alone still , thats a real bonus


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## lostwithouthim

Whitehawk, I still don't get what you mean by his living alone is a real bonus, do u meant that at least he hasn't got am OW? The reason there was not much action the last 4 years wasn't because of the OW, I've only just realised it was one of the things that was holding me back. I've had an infection down there and I still haven't got it sorted. I went for tests the other week, but everything came back normal. I need to make an appt with the doctor, but I only get one day off college a week and I'm always busy on that day. Also I went on the mini pill and I wanted to change to the injection as I didn't want to get pregnant. Again, I kept putting it off and time just went by.
I was never a cold b*tch to him, I was always loving in other ways, but as you say only time will tell!
I didn't even mention the OW since he's been back in those 12 years. I did try to make it up to him this year, when he told me he thought we were better off living as friends. He went away earlier this year, came back after a week and said he missed me. During that time I was a dutiful wife even though I still suffered with my infection at times. He says though it wasn't just about the sex, he said we've grown apart! Four weeks later he was off again! If only he's mentioned that things weren't right in those last 4 years, I could've done something about it! As it was it came as a real shock when he just upped and left. He had never had a heart to heart with me in the last 4 years or if he did say anything it was just a passing comment! I didn't realise it would come to this!


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## lostwithouthim

Oh great! Thanks to my husband, I've just lost a friend  He didn't reply to her text the other day when she said happy birthday and now she's saying she's going to distance herself from both of us  What a bummer! I'd love a day when something didn't go wrong for me! She was being a big support for me as well


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## whitehawk

Yeah I know these thing's get so fd up. Same for me , if only she'd talked to me. Breaks my heart now because this is where it went and didn't have to . All I got was the odd one liner , usually out of the blue so you were never sure if it meant anything.

Well , him living alone , that means no ow in his ear or in his mind , or bed , he can think this through. You two can just be alone over there sometimes, talk.
I literally haven't been able to get time alone with my x in 5mths.

Ah right , thought I read it was the ow from 12 yrs back holding you back, sorry. Well he'd still be sick of it but I think there's bigger worries. Not good that he's took of a couple of times. Could mean it's just not right for him unless there's things between you's that he complained about finally getting too much.

I reckon don't crowd him too much , give him his space , don't fuss over him too much either . But at the same time see if he'd be interested in having a good talk and get to the bottom of it.
Don't like ask him that but if you can get to sit down together for a few hours then ask him . You need to know exactly what it is with him.
Be prepared though because it might be just like he said and maybe he really just doesn't feel that way about you anymore.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> But catch , ya love him and I'm pretty sure he loves you a lot too.
> Just had to have a re read. I think he moved out not because he doesn't love you or anything but it's almost like he thinks all your emotional stuff through all that, you shut him out and don't want him.
> Sounds like he sat with you a lot through love and care , yeah couldn't find the words you needed but hey , he was there.
> 
> He sounds a lot like my ex. She often left me so needing for just words and you know what , she'd expect you up and about again in a wk too. Maybe because she's a nurse and she knows too much sympathies not all that good and a good nudge out the door is really what you need , I was never quite sure with her.
> But I'll tell you what , she cared you know , a lot. And we're really lucky to have someone care and love us like that.
> It use to frustrate me like you , needing those words and like recondition.
> But sometimes now I realize she did , but she was a nurse and they can't get too soppy and have to be pretty tough in that way.
> For all her good things though and her love , a little bit of frustration was a small price to pay . I just wish I'd got it back into perspective myself before it was too late.
> 
> I dunno about this 180 stuff for you , it's a totally different thing. Definitely stay vertical  . Maybe some space for him to just digest things a bit , but I'm thinking more sit down with him too . Tell him everything you told us . Then give him a few days to think about it.
> 
> I mean you guys have a lot , maybe this is just one part of him you should live with if he can't get it any better, But he probably could get it a bit better.


He's called twice again, I didn't answer. There is so much hurt and water under the bridge. I dont know if I have a ounce of fight left in me. If he wants this as much as I do it will take him to man up and at least offer to work in this. He has YET to say that. Just a bunch of rug sweeping techniques is all I see. I hate collard greens just cant make myself swallow them. But if me taking and swallowing just one bite would xhange my life drastically, i'd do it. I have to see his fight in this. It's a definite deal breaker.
The mailman can be nice to me. I want to see him be nice and care for me , even when it may seem difficult to, i want to see him analyze where we went wrong for a solution to make it right. If it meant that much to him he'd do it dont ya think ?


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree with Whitehawk Catch  You do love him and you should get back together but stay vertical until he makes the commitment to move back in with you. I guess we made the wrong decision by telling you to go 180 on him. You guys need to have a deep conversation. Tell him exactly how him staying away is making you feel and you want him but you don't want a cake eater!
> lol @ Whitehawk about not having a cakey wakey for his birthday.
> Whitehawk, why is it a huge ball in my court for him having his own place?
> I promise I won't be talking to my mum in law again any time soon. If she wants to ring me then that's fine and we'll keep the conversation general  No talking about changing the spare room or anything.
> I do need to do something with the spare room though, it looks empty without the bed in it


No you all did not make the wrong decision. This man just has a lot of soul searching and growing up to do. I often wonder if he even wants the marriage. Heck idk , talking about matters of the heart with this man either causes him to shut down or blow up. He like awww baby dont start with that..im like ok tell ya what im DONE. I cant live in limbo like that. It's tearing mea part. So I am now to the point where I dare not start talking" us" to him. I've just thrown my flag in thebwind. Let the chips fall where they may. I am gonna continue to distance myself from him as well as refrain from sex and convo that does not pertain to business as much as I can. If he can talk about home repairs he can tall about marital repairs. If he cant then like I said ,im done. I deserve better, someone im more equally communicable with. Even if its just me and my own thoughts. He has now all the time in the world to think, sort, explore other people, whatever his agenda may be. Because im stepping back and letting go and letting God.


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## catch22gofigure

I guess I have entered that angry idgaf stage....ugghh dangit rollercoaster


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Oh great! Thanks to my husband, I've just lost a friend  He didn't reply to her text the other day when she said happy birthday and now she's saying she's going to distance herself from both of us  What a bummer! I'd love a day when something didn't go wrong for me! She was being a big support for me as well


Now if she is being that petty ,knowing how he us and what you all are going through. Then I feel she was not a true friend from the get go. You are better off without those kind of friends Lost.


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## lostwithouthim

You're right catch! It's just that up to now she's been really supportive to me and always positive about how he will come back. She does get depressed and this is what she does, takes it out on other ppl.
I still don't feel talking to him is going to make any difference Whitehawk. When he first came round after we had split up then he told me that he didn't like these chinese whispers that were going round about him and if any1 asks to just say that we've grown apart. I said you might think we have, but I don't! I asked him if it wasn't just about the sex, what was it about then? He couldn't give me a straight answer! I think this time on his own will help him to think things over and you are totally right Whitehawk, I should give him space and time to reach his own decision in this! I do try and give him space, I very rarely message him unless he messages me and even then I don't always answer him.


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## dt49er

I just joined the forum today. I wanted to try and talk to others that have been through some of what my wife and I have.
What I have learned in the last 9 months is WE are not alone! Many couples have issues and it is always helpful to talk with others and learn how to work things out.
We had talked to the priest, to no avail. We have tried many avenues.

luckily last year my wife stumbled onto a program which we both thought was a waste of time. It was the last straw before we decied it was over. We even discussed no seperation, if its over its over.
We found a program called Retrouvaille. It is not a retreat, not counceling. It is a program to learn communications from other couples that have dealt with issues.

We are still a long way from being healed but it is amazing how the last 8 months has been.

I suggest you check it out and I will talk to you or anyone that is interested.
Good luck


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## lostwithouthim

Welcome to TAM DT49er  Unfortunately I am not yet in a position to take up any programs with my husband as we are separated. Nor do I want to! I've wasted far too much money on these programs and I can't afford to spend anymore.
I'm so glad that you have found something that works for you and your wife and I wish you all the best


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## catch22gofigure

dt49er said:


> I just joined the forum today. I wanted to try and talk to others that have been through some of what my wife and I have.
> What I have learned in the last 9 months is WE are not alone! Many couples have issues and it is always helpful to talk with others and learn how to work things out.
> We had talked to the priest, to no avail. We have tried many avenues.
> 
> luckily last year my wife stumbled onto a program which we both thought was a waste of time. It was the last straw before we decied it was over. We even discussed no seperation, if its over its over.
> We found a program called Retrouvaille. It is not a retreat, not counceling. It is a program to learn communications from other couples that have dealt with issues.
> 
> We are still a long way from being healed but it is amazing how the last 8 months has been.
> 
> I suggest you check it out and I will talk to you or anyone that is interested.
> Good luck


Welcome ! Feel free to talk here... im new too and Lost and White Hawk have been soo beneficial to me. Im so torn right now i dont have a lot of advice to offer as this is all new to me. But ill help as much as I can. I will make sure to check that out though.:smthumbup:


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## dt49er

thank you for the welcome and the reply.
I am sorry for your roubles. 
The program doesn't cost if you can't pay.

I even had one wife say, I ddin't care about going but it was 2 nights without working and kids so I took it, that was a fews ago for them.
Best of luck


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## lostwithouthim

I've just had a look at the website and all the sessions are in the US. Unfortunately I live in the UK. Whilst it looks good, I'm afraid my husband would not commit to anything like that at the mo as he believes our marriage is over! I'm here because I want to talk to like minded, positive people who want reconciliation.


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## catch22gofigure

Lost yeah she has issues all of her own . I'd be careful with any reconcil advice from her at this point. The elders here tell you to be careful of those types of friends , as misery often loves company. Whose to say what her intentions were when wishing him a happy birthday ... i tell people that all the time. I dont get offended though if they dont respond as I want them to. She is a bit unstable. 
Does he even like her ? Or he could have thought she was trying to be funny in a way...a lot of times when couples split. They spilt friends and he may feel that she is your friend not his...hence him not welcoming or responding to her Happy B Day. Things also happen with technology. ..does she have the most current # for him ? Was he in a good service area to even receive the text ? So much could be the issue.


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## dt49er

I looked at Retrouvaiile UK and there are some groups there, maybe not close to you though.

I am glad you are wanting to reconcile.
We are workign and have come to understand it is a lifetime of work.

Also its a choice to love.

good luck


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## catch22gofigure

dt49er said:


> I just joined the forum today. I wanted to try and talk to others that have been through some of what my wife and I have.
> What I have learned in the last 9 months is WE are not alone! Many couples have issues and it is always helpful to talk with others and learn how to work things out.
> We had talked to the priest, to no avail. We have tried many avenues.
> 
> luckily last year my wife stumbled onto a program which we both thought was a waste of time. It was the last straw before we decied it was over. We even discussed no seperation, if its over its over.
> We found a program called Retrouvaille. It is not a retreat, not counceling. It is a program to learn communications from other couples that have dealt with issues.
> 
> We are still a long way from being healed but it is amazing how the last 8 months has been.
> 
> I suggest you check it out and I will talk to you or anyone that is interested.
> Good luck


Hey now this may be something I bring up to him...there is a program set for June in Atlanta. I only live like 45 min away from there. Im there often really. Idk...imma pray on it. Because im really at my wits end with him.


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## catch22gofigure

He has made a visit and several phone calls today. Is it time for me to lay off 180 a bit today you guys ? I must admit its kinda a trip to watch him make all these attempts , but at what. He don't know what he wants. All he knows is it involves me....i need more.


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## dt49er

prayer is so important.
There are also followup sessions, 4 hours on saturday (at least in my area).
I wasn't sure we would go to the follow up sessions, but said heck lets try one.

We didn't miss any, out of 6 follow ups.

It ended up being something we looked forward to.

When the sessions were over, there is a monthly meeting, We only attended one, its a long drive!

We asssited at the next sessions follow ups and rekindled the enthusiasm.

We will be helpking with the upcoming weekend soon.

Also there is no pressure to pray or share, its ab out you and him only!


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## lostwithouthim

dt49er unfortunately it's only me who wants to reconcile at this point in time, so I can't really go on the program on my own. It does sound good though 
Catch, It sounds right up your street  I don't blame you for not wanting to do the 180 today. I do suggest though that you do a search for Mort Fertel who sends you a free email each day with tips in it. So far it's not worked for me, but then you're much further down the path of R than I am  Just ignore all the buying stuff, just sign up for the free emails


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## doubletrouble

catch22gofigure said:


> So today after many days of wanting my husband back home, trying to analyze his motives i feel like ...just move on already.
> 
> He is constantly over or calling ( we communicate about 12-14 hrs a day ) He is always checking to make sure im ok or are the kids ok , if we need anything financially , and so on and so forth. This man has even started praying together with me about my current employment situation (something we've never done in 19 yrs ) what the heck is wrong with me is what I am now wondering. He is doing everything in his power to make me happy EXCEPT talking about coming home or reconciliation. He has asked me if I will move in with him to make things more affordable for us financially. .hellloooo you're the one who moved out is what is going through my head. I don't know what our deal is. Family and friends say we are crazy and will be back together soon. I say no. Though I want that badly I feel it will be a false reconciliation unless he can learn to open up about his true feelings, something his pride and ego won't let him do I dont think.
> 
> Any insight and coments are welcome...i just had to vent for a min


I'm sorry you are going through this C22. Here's my take on it...

He's doing a form of cake eating. He wants to be part of your life as long as he doesn't have to do anything real in order to gain that objective. Money? Really? That can be a source of stress in a marriage but it sure isn't a way to repair a marriage. 

Sounds to me like you're looking for a bended knee (figuratively) and he's not showing heart, just talking about it. Talking a LOT, I'll grant, but actions speak SO much louder than words. I used to hear it all the time, "Your actions speak so loudly I can't hear what you're saying."

Seems to me that's where your puzzle is in your mind. 

You need all the elements of reconciliation if you're ever going to move the process forward.


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## catch22gofigure

Well only a day or so of 180 and look who is wanting to talk. Has been giving lil pieces of himself on each phone call i've answered while he's on his breaks at work. He gets off shortly and coming over, he says we have a lot to straighten out and wants to talk .I am still sticking to my guns of what I need out of him and yes DoubleTrouble a bended knee pretty much sums it up. I've given until I can give no more. Im far from a pushover so even though im wanting a reconciliation, this time around I will get what I need if not all most or I'll take nothing at all amd move on. I was not blessed with this strength to endure what most could never handle for nothing, so its high time I demand something out of someone that I vowed to spend my life with. God blesses me each day that I wake up ,with this life. How dare I allow someone else make it anything but harmonious. Thats what I am learning to do, work on my flaws, admit them as they come amd go, and learn from them all the while. I'll settle for nothing less at this point. 19Yrs is a long time when im only 35 , and a good bit of those 19 have been hell. I refuse to spend another 19 chasing a dream that may never come.
I don't knock anyone that would, im just not cut out for that. I can do and feel bad all by myself, who needs help for doing that. And yes money was a big factor. This man is also an awesome provider. However, we are FAR from living comfortably. Im not working so he is paying all bills in two places ...STUPID ! When if he can find within himself to learn how to express his needs and concerns, learn to deal with the rough times without panic and anger towards me...he can bring his happy behind home. Im not gonna ask him to; but he'd be more than welcome. If that is not something feasible, then soon im sure ill be called to work somewhere. I work in IT and Healthcare, just waiting on a break. My company downsized and I got cut, that's what landed me unemployed. I have made it in the past off little to nothing, I know I could do it again. Anyone can be happy go lucky when the sun shines...how you react when the storms come determine your character and strength. I need to be in a relationship where I know we can stand the rain under one umbrella. Not with someone who will run and spend their life savings on a storm shelter;yet still wanna hold my umbrella for me....nahhhh ill pass on that. I see the intentions and actions. I need to hear the voice of the head , the sound of courage, the bellow of a warrior. I would hope that he'd expect no less from me.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> dt49er unfortunately it's only me who wants to reconcile at this point in time, so I can't really go on the program on my own. It does sound good though
> Catch, It sounds right up your street  I don't blame you for not wanting to do the 180 today. I do suggest though that you do a search for Mort Fertel who sends you a free email each day with tips in it. So far it's not worked for me, but then you're much further down the path of R than I am  Just ignore all the buying stuff, just sign up for the free emails


I was getting those emails at one point. They all seemed to be mainly a marketing tease so I un subscribed. Maybe ill give it another shot. I may have judged them too soon.


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## lostwithouthim

Wayhey Catch22, it seems that things are looking up for you! Well done  I need to start doing a 180 on him, not 150. I was trying that when mum in law put a spanner in the works, but I'm not going to phone her anymore. If she wants to phone me then fine, but I will only talk small talk and not stay on for long. 
I'm going to go to the advice centre this week to see what my rights are, just in case he does spring something like selling the house on me! 
The emails do seem like a marketing ploy at forst glance, but they are also full of good advice 
Have a great day and keep us posted


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Well only a day or so of 180 and look who is wanting to talk. Has been giving lil pieces of himself on each phone call i've answered while he's on his breaks at work. He gets off shortly and coming over, he says we have a lot to straighten out and wants to talk .
> 
> Hellelujah - Sounds like progress catch , little pieces of himself, the guy actually acknowledges there's stuff that needs to be straightened out and wants to actually talk about it .
> 
> ps , don't forget the diet.


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## catch22gofigure

Well last nights convo was still choppy. I did have to break out the 180 and refuse intimacy. I let him know that I no longer feel like its ok for us to continue that path, it makes me feel used. As if he's having his cake and eating it too. He told me I'm thinking about it all wrong. I asked" well, how should I be thinking? " he replied like a wife who wants to connect and be intimate with her husband (now he has not the entire separation called us that husband/wife )

So I did notice however that when speaking of the future it was my this and your that. He mentioned again though that I should go ahead and move in with him. That there are too many memories in the home house. I agreed , but said more bad than good. He said really, that many bad ones ? Im a over analyzer so I tried to just take it at face value and not flip like I wanted to. Guess i was looking for signs of him wanting to ask to come home....but hey Rome wasnt built in a day. He also mentioned the L word...i though I wanted to did not reciprocate. Should I have ? i wanted to but I had a confused 180 rule moment so opted not too. I told him we often misunderstand each others intentions when talking he had that deer in headlights look again. Then said you always think im thinking the worst about things. I said well what are we gonna do to fix that. He said you just need to stop trying to read too much into stuff. I said well damn...you leave with not a lot of clues as to what you really wanting to say. He said just chill out it aint that serious. So needkess to say I dropped it there and just continued with our general convo we have. This is his way of shutting down and avoiding what seems to be leading into an emotional convo my friends. Only a lil glimpse at a time with this dude. What the heck !! Its so frustrating for me. At this rate it'll take years to decipher one of his thoughts. I told him I feel like a sex object to him ( fishing is what I was doing) He then said, now that hurt. You would belittle my feelings for you too that ? With a weird kinda look. I shut up for real that time. And apologized if I was wrong, but stressed those are my very real and valid feelings that you have not given me any other choice but to go on. We kinda left it at that and watched a movie until we fell asleep. Well this morning, i flunked 180 and was intimate , afterwards he turned into bubbly loving husband again. The noon was equal to that and now he's off to work. ..so still Im confused and yet goes another day on the rollercoaster. Did I mention I hate rollercoasters


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## lostwithouthim

I hate rollercoasters as well, lol. Still sounds promising to me though, at least you were starting to talk  Well I blew my top at my husband tonight. He phoned up and said he wanted to sort out our benefits and was coming round later this week. I've been very amicable up to now, just leaving him to wait to see if he's got this benefit coming and not changing my benefits in the first week.
Anyway, I digress. I still couldn't get over what his mum said on the phone the other night and told him. He said well it's going that way isn't it? Why prolong it? I thought that's what you wanted? (divorce and selling the house!). I said no I didn't want a divorce as I still don't know what I've done wrong and why he had to give up on the marriage so quickly and not see a counsellor. He tried to change the subject, but I was too angry to talk to him, I just spent the whole time ranting at him. All this anger that's been building up inside me, I just let rip. I called a few friends and got some sympathy and good advice. I'm not giving up this house without a fight! I am totally going 180 on him now! I don't feel that I want to be friends with him anymore at the moment and if he thinks that I can just be friends at a drop of a hat, then he's got another thing coming! He phoned me later, but I cancelled the call, so he texted me and I had to reply because it was to do with my son, but I only used a one word answer.
I am so annoyed with him right now that it's easy to 180 him. It's only been a month since we've split up, he is being so selfish at the mo and as for me well ---- no more mrs nice guy!!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Wayhey Catch22, it seems that things are looking up for you! Well done  I need to start doing a 180 on him, not 150. I was trying that when mum in law put a spanner in the works, but I'm not going to phone her anymore. If she wants to phone me then fine, but I will only talk small talk and not stay on for long.
> I'm going to go to the advice centre this week to see what my rights are, just in case he does spring something like selling the house on me!
> The emails do seem like a marketing ploy at forst glance, but they are also full of good advice
> Have a great day and keep us posted


I dunno about progress. That's why im posting here to get you all take on things as outsiders looking in. Maybe you all can see something I dont. People say actions speak louder than words, if this is true, then I guess I can agree there is progress. But; isnt talking, communicating, and sharing of your feelings all actions? It's like he is trying to trick us into working on things and dating each other without actually verbalizing that that's what were doing. What kinda crap is that ? It's immature. Like the boy in school who picks on ya and pulls your pigtails ,when in all actuality he has a crush on you. 
Now i don't blame ya with the not calling his mom thing. I feel like this if you aren't with me then the only other thing you can be is against me and you dont need that. Keep y'all business between you all from here on out. I talk to his mok and sis because they call me often. But i mainly talk to them about general stuff. His mom tries to talk to me as if he and I are still together;but I swiftly remind her that is not our status right now and that I shouldn't attend family funtions or stay intwined to their family related matters right now. She cried when we first split and asked cant we just work it out. I said to her my needs ( as I know he talks to her about everything) so that she could relay my persistence on this matter to him ( as I know she will ) she fishes, i hook her with my own bait hook, line, and sinker. She's a sweetie though and only wants us to be together and I appreciate that. However, she has to know this is the one thing she can't fix for her son, no matter how much she desires us together.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I hate rollercoasters as well, lol. Still sounds promising to me though, at least you were starting to talk  Well I blew my top at my husband tonight. He phoned up and said he wanted to sort out our benefits and was coming round later this week. I've been very amicable up to now, just leaving him to wait to see if he's got this benefit coming and not changing my benefits in the first week.
> Anyway, I digress. I still couldn't get over what his mum said on the phone the other night and told him. He said well it's going that way isn't it? Why prolong it? I thought that's what you wanted? (divorce and selling the house!). I said no I didn't want a divorce as I still don't know what I've done wrong and why he had to give up on the marriage so quickly and not see a counsellor. He tried to change the subject, but I was too angry to talk to him, I just spent the whole time ranting at him. All this anger that's been building up inside me, I just let rip. I called a few friends and got some sympathy and good advice. I'm not giving up this house without a fight! I am totally going 180 on him now! I don't feel that I want to be friends with him anymore at the moment and if he thinks that I can just be friends at a drop of a hat, then he's got another thing coming! He phoned me later, but I cancelled the call, so he texted me and I had to reply because it was to do with my son, but I only used a one word answer.
> I am so annoyed with him right now that it's easy to 180 him. It's only been a month since we've split up, he is being so selfish at the mo and as for me well ---- no more mrs nice guy!!


I hear ya ! It's like they want you to snap on them. Ive fussed long enough with my H though before he moved out. I refuse at this point ( i just come here and you all stuck with listening to it ). Its high time you did that though. You never said you wanted that and he knows it. He's trying to get a rise out of you though I think to gauge the situation. Youve not been a** kissing lately and he trying to see why. He knows texts about the son will force you to reply. I guarantee that phone call you ignored was not about your son. So he texted about the son to get a reply. Remember what they tell us, they too are on this rollercoaster. If ya ask me we all bat crazy...but hey this is life and love for ya...:scratchhead: or is it ?


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## lostwithouthim

I have the same problem with my MIL. She wants us to be together, but at the end of the day she is there for her son. I know that everything I say to her will get passed onto my husband, so I won't be saying anything in future!
As for your dilemma, as an outsider looking in, he sounds like he wants to R, but he doesn't want to move back in to the house. Maybe he feels that if he does, then he'll just want to leave again after a few months as maybe things will revert back to how they were before. Maybe he's happy the way he is at the moment, IDK! He's confusing me, let alone you! lol. Keep talkng to each other and maybe if he won't go to counselling, then what about talking to a mediator? Best of luck and whatever path you take, we're here to support you


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I hear ya ! It's like they want you to snap on them. Ive fussed long enough with my H though before he moved out. I refuse at this point ( i just come here and you all stuck with listening to it ). Its high time you did that though. You never said you wanted that and he knows it. He's trying to get a rise out of you though I think to gauge the situation. Youve not been a** kissing lately and he trying to see why. He knows texts about the son will force you to reply. I guarantee that phone call you ignored was not about your son. So he texted about the son to get a reply. Remember what they tell us, they too are on this rollercoaster. If ya ask me we all bat crazy...but hey this is life and love for ya...:scratchhead: or is it ?


Thanks Catch  You know how to cheer a girl up  Just downing a large glass of wine that my very kind friend brought me round as she knew I needed it  She said just have one glass, but she didn't specify how big the glass should be, lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks Catch  You know how to cheer a girl up  Just downing a large glass of wine that my very kind friend brought me round as she knew I needed it  She said just have one glass, but she didn't specify how big the glass should be, lol


Anytime hun, anytime...and i think you deserve that glass of wine after last night. Shoot , i need one after my night...lol Tonight is our no husband drama night, enjoy !! :toast: Cause no telling what the rest of the week will bring with them...


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## catch22gofigure

Update : It's gonna snow ! The H came out just a bit ago after a 2hr phone call and said that he knows he's been a bit unbearable to live with for the last couple of years. Blamed it on not being where he wanted to be at this point in life financially and emotionally. I accepted the apology and did not pry for anymore than he gave. Now this I will call progress. I am not gonna get too excited because i still have to protect my requests...It just felt so good to get un requested soul searched info from this man. Who knows how long this continue...for now though. Im pretty darn happy. Gonna stick to my 180ish and see what the days to come brings....


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## lostwithouthim

That's brilliant news catch, I'm so pleased for you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

Wow! I hope this is the start of a good trend. One data point does not make it a trend, but it's nice to have that data point!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That's brilliant news catch, I'm so pleased for you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Lost ! Not gonna get too optimistic, we'll see how it progresses or regresses. Im gonna take it slow. The last thing I want is a false R. I know I would totally lose my mind. He was a bit distant today before work. Releasing emotions is sooo difficult for him. Some deep seated stuff from chikdhood im sure. I just have to know if its a character flaw before I'd even go all in again with him. Like I said before, ill be alone first. Though that's not my hearts desire


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## lostwithouthim

Good luck with it Catch  I hope it isn't a false R for your sake. Just to remind you - let him make all the moves and don't push him into being affectionate with you or wanting to say I love you at every available opportunity. I think that was part of my problem that drove him away the second time.
I spoke with my college tutor today who suggested I ring him and apologise for ranting at him last night. She said it is better that we stay as friends, rather than all this nastiness. I put all my toys back in my pram this morning and apologised by text  He rang me up later to tell me about a meeting that him and our son had attended and how it went. I'm not expecting too much this time round, I think it'll probably take more than a few weeks for this wake up call. That is if it ever happens. I am leaving it with God now, there is nothing else I can do. My fight has gone!


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## catch22gofigure

Thans Lost thats confirmation if what I've been thinking too. He has told me twice that he loves me this week. His distance today,I noticed. ..but swiftly knew not to react on it (thanks180) Im allowing him to have the lead in this. I am such a leader and like I said I have a strong personality to his very laid back personality. Many people say he is intimidated by me. I need to allow him to be a man, accept gis advice whether I use it or not, and allow him his time to sort this all out himself. After all he is the one who left. So I am preparing myself for for worst;yet hoping for the best. Im not gonna beg or ask for why he is gone...but in order for me to come back full circle its gonna be on him to prove to me, if coming back is indeed what he wants....why I should allow it. We have a lonnng way to go. If God is willing things will emerge as they should. 
He kinda threw me off though asking lasylt night why I never call or text him first . Or why I never invite him to stay over or me at his place. I let him know that I was allowing him his space. That by him moving out ,it said to me that my company is not something that is wanted. He said , "you have it all wrong". That let me know that the 180 for me is truly not limiting contact; but initiating more contact outside of intimacy (he has no problem letting me know when that's wanted...lol )
But I will have to find more opportunities to not think what can he show me;but what can I show him to let him know he is truly wanted. I guess I really did a good job of making him feel of lesser importance or taken for granted. So I guess you know that 5 Love Languages is what im currently studying. Because most of the time I was unintentionally doing this. First step in recovery is accepting my part in this.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Good luck with it Catch  I hopeverything isn't a false R for your sake. Just to remind you - let him make all the moves and don't push him into being affectionate with you or wanting to say I love you at every available opportunity. I think that was part of my problem that drove him away the second time.
> I spoke with my college tutor today who suggested I ring him and apologise for ranting at him last night. She said it is better that we stay as friends, rather than all this nastiness. I put all my toys back in my pram this morning and apologised by text  He rang me up later to tell me about a meeting that him and our son had attended and how it went. I'm not expecting too much this time round, I think it'll probably take more than a few weeks for this wake up call. That is if it ever happens. I am leaving it with God now, there is nothing else I can do. My fight has gone!


Big girl Lost for the apology! :yay:
You're guy too is confused I think. He seems to want in some ways to remain in your life. I just cant figure out what is fueling his apprehension to do so. Sounds like something you need to figure out without directly asking him. 
Leaving it with God is all we can do. He has the final say on every


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## lostwithouthim

I must get that book 5 love languages, unless you think that it is not the time yet for me? I am concerned that when you say people have felt you intimidate him, I wonder what they mean. One thing I've learnt and I still find difficult to digest is that you shouldn't blame yourself in this. You don't seem very intimidating to me, but then I suppose we react differently towards our spouses.
I'm sure that my husband's friends are saying the same thing about me, I feel that I was probably intimidating at times! I would ask him straight out what he felt was wrong in the relationship the first time round. You need to tell him that you will TRY to change, but there's no guarantee that you will change. He will have to accept you as you are, faults and all. Tell him that you need to know when you are being too much or there is something that annoys him about you. You are only human and we all have our faults. Don't put yourself down


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Big girl Lost for the apology! :yay:
> You're guy too is confused I think. He seems to want in some ways to remain in your life. I just cant figure out what is fueling his apprehension to do so. Sounds like something you need to figure out without directly asking him.
> Leaving it with God is all we can do. He has the final say on every


I was writing the response to your message when you sent this through  Thanks for the hope, albeit small IMO  I think he's confused as well, but in his head that's it there's no going back! I do think that his apprehension is probably because I can also be intimidating as well. I know I told you to stop blaming yourself, but it's easier said than done. I know I've got to move on, get some legal advice over the house selling so I am prepared and just keep refusing to divorce him. He probably only wants to remain in my life because of our son. I think if he found his faith again, that will help him see things clearer  I've just found out about a spiritual retreat that I'm hoping to go to at the end of May, with full board. They offer a bursary fund for those that find it hard to pay. I definitely feel that this is what I need at the moment, but it should also be suitable for my son, so that he doesn't get bored  At the moment he finds anything to do with religion boring!


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## catch22gofigure

Oh its time !!! Everybody, relationship issues or not need to read it. I read it before all of our issues, but only as a recommendation from a friend as a good read. Im reading it now with passion and a readiness to apply what I am learning. 
I am indeed a very strong personality. Its just not really reflected here. People say its similar to that of Tyler Perrys Madea or Oprah Winfreys character in the Color Purple. Very smart girl I am they say, but take absolutely no stuff in any situation, with a very sharp and swift tongue. His flaws i have pointed out to him constantly, he knows what I have thought of him in the past. If I were in his shoes I'd really think that "hey nothing I do is right" Then to be honest when he started doing it back to me, honestly in hindsight I could not handle it and would explode constantly feeling I was under attack and that I could do nothing right in his eyes. He hates confrontation, I welcome it..huge personality differences. I am also have a very broad vocabulary , he does not. So my choice of words , my VERY heavy loud voice during these fights and even my tendency to sling a object or two, just may have led him to say ok, you win...im out. Idk, but what I do kniw is that I can only work on and correct me. Not just for this marriage; but as a personal growth so to speak.


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## catch22gofigure

We both keep responding while the other is typing...lol i also was responding and a call came in and distracted me


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## whitehawk

How's it going you 2 , sounds like a bit of progress Catch.
M x was extremely easy going to , laid back , she didn't like any trouble . Although we got along extremely well I was often to a bit full on for her . Although near the end she was getting that bossy it really gave me the [email protected]
So I hear you on the personality thing. A lot of the time I felt it was sorta good for me, I need some toning down here and there.

Hey , love the throwing of the odd object , a girl with a temper is so funny sometimes


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## lostwithouthim

Hey Whitehawk, not seen you for a couple of days! You two should not be blaming yourself, I'm trying so hard not to blame myself. So what if you have a loud personality! You were made like that and that's who your partner married. I know how easy it is to blame yourself for the break up of the marriage, but it's really not your fault! It's up to your spouses to tell you where you are going wrong, what irritates them about you and reach a happy medium - not just wait until they can bear it no more and just go!


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> How's it going you 2 , sounds like a bit of progress Catch.
> M x was extremely easy going to , laid back , she didn't like any trouble . Although we got along extremely well I was often to a bit full on for her . Although near the end she was getting that bossy it really gave me the [email protected]
> So I hear you on the personality thing. A lot of the time I felt it was sorta good for me, I need some toning down here and there.
> 
> Hey , love the throwing of the odd object , a girl with a temper is so funny sometimes


Hi WhiteHawk !!
Unfortunately my temper has gotten the best of me before and ive been known to break/tear up some shiii...smh
I was wondering where you were...yeah it seems idk we'll just have to see how it goes with this guy. Still a great sense of confusion for me on his intentions so guess ill just have to see. Can't wait too long though...life does go on . Don't want to wait forever on a boat that can't float. How have you been ?


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey Whitehawk, not seen you for a couple of days! You two should not be blaming yourself, I'm trying so hard not to blame myself. So what if you have a loud personality! You were made like that and that's who your partner married. I know how easy it is to blame yourself for the break up of the marriage, but it's really not your fault! It's up to your spouses to tell you where you are going wrong, what irritates them about you and reach a happy medium - not just wait until they can bear it no more and just go!


:iagree: 
I just want to make sure I'm being all that I can be. For myself, kids, marriage, and relationship with God. And some of the things I say or do, I am truly not proud of.


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## catch22gofigure

I honestly just want this all to.be over. It's so mind consuming. Limbo rollercoasters suck !! He gives a lil , then retreats a lil. The pbone calls and contact dont ever end, the full on emotional and financial support is not ending it seems, i just don't get it. Ive been trying to read other threads and such. But I truly feel alone in my confusing situation. Nobody else's story is quite like mine....ugggh. Im just having a moment you guys...pay me no mind


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## lostwithouthim

Go ahead and have a moment, I'm sure I speak for both of us and say we don't mind  I feel the same way about this forum. Everyone seems to be in a different situation to me. Everyone else seems to want me to forget about him, blah blah blah etc. the usual stuff!!! I had a look at the book the love languages and decided it wasn't for me at the mo. I've ordered 2 books, one is from the same guy that wrote love languages. They are called hope for the separated and desperate marriages. Both look good books  I've had them delivered to a friends house in case hubby finds them first - he still has a key! Going to see if I can make an appt. to get some advice tomorrow. Got a busy day ahead tomorrow as I'm also seeing my life coach. Blessings to both of you, see you later on here 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Well its official, we're done. He let me know that he still loves me and that his help comes because he wants only the best for me in life. Until i get a job that he will continue to help me. But that we are both just at a transition in life and need to work on each other. So ill take that as my invite to get off the rollercoaster. I can't keep a man that does not want to be kept.

Then he calls me after I leave and says I'm just calling to check on you baby..i say please stop patronizing me with these pet names. He then had the audacity to ask me why I'm upset. Lawd help me before I lose it on this man. I told him you're done, then im done...no further conversation is necessary. At least i know now its ok to file, to move on, to try and rebuild what's left of me.


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## lostwithouthim

Oh catch I'm so sorry  he sounds really mixed up and doesn't know what he wants by the sounds of it! Stay in touch please  I know the start if the thread reads differently now, but we can still keep posting on this thread! Take care 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Just re read your post, working on each other is good isn't it? You've been apart for a while now and you need to work at rebuilding the marriage. Have a look at the two books that I've just bought, hopefully one of them will suit you  take care and speak soon 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Just re read your post, working on each other is good isn't it? You've been apart for a while now and you need to work at rebuilding the marriage. Have a look at the two books that I've just bought, hopefully one of them will suit you  take care and speak soon
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Lost, im just tired. And I don't see a ounce of him wanting to rebuild anything. I think he is just feeling guilty for leaving. Thats not enough to sustain rebuilding this marriage. I really have No fight left. All my life I've had to fight. Harder fights than most. If you knew my whole story, you'd think you were watching a LifeTime Movie Network movie. I'm letting go. Full 180 is my attempt, I have to heal most importantly. Every thought I give to this is holding me back further and further back.If im making the wrong move by moving on I pray God reveals it to me so I wont make a big mistake


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Oh catch I'm so sorry  he sounds really mixed up and doesn't know what he wants by the sounds of it! Stay in touch please  I know the start if the thread reads differently now, but we can still keep posting on this thread! Take care
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know...he sounded pretty confident when he said it. I think he's made up his mind. I will continue to stay in touch here though.it's therapeutic. When i decide to delete my account i will PM you many email address. You and White Hawk have been my only support in this. I was winging it alone before TAM. My friends and family all are in support of us staying together without knowing the details. I've not communicated anything to anybody but you all here and i need that. I scour the page day and night awaiting a reply from you two, so i won't just disappear on you Lost


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Go ahead and have a moment, I'm sure I speak for both of us and say we don't mind  I feel the same way about this forum. Everyone seems to be in a different situation to me. Everyone else seems to want me to forget about him, blah blah blah etc. the usual stuff!!! I had a look at the book the love languages and decided it wasn't for me at the mo. I've ordered 2 books, one is from the same guy that wrote love languages. They are called hope for the separated and desperate marriages. Both look good books  I've had them delivered to a friends house in case hubby finds them first - he still has a key! Going to see if I can make an appt. to get some advice tomorrow. Got a busy day ahead tomorrow as I'm also seeing my life coach. Blessings to both of you, see you later on here
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So glad thou found something bookwise that's fitting for you ! Let me know how you like them or not:smthumbup:


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## lostwithouthim

Glad you're not giving up on us Catch  I do look forward to seeing yours and whitehawk's messages on here  Like you said, it's a lifeline for me. I've not told any of my family that we've split up because of their reaction the last time we did it. I'm not speaking to my MIL anymore as she will only take his side in this, even though she says she won't.
I think my friends are gradually getting fed up of me moaning about him all the time. I've got two friends that aren't talking to me at the mo, one friend says I'm not in the right frame of mind to continue at college and a lot of them say to get rid of him! Some are real man haters that have been through nasty divorces themselves. I also don't like to bug my friends a lot as I feel that at the moment I am moaning a lot and saying how much I want him back! Hopefully the 2 books I've just bought will help me  I'll keep you posted and tell you what they're like


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## catch22gofigure

Yep that's why I have just been keeping my business to myself.Im kinda glad now though. We can go on with the divorce while everyone" thinks" we're still in a phase and by the time they realize we're divorced. ..he and I both will have gotten over it to a point that what anyone says or thinks cant alter or change the situation. It'll be over and done with. My depression makes me isolate in a way. So most family and friends got the hint after mom died 2 yrs ago and I just never reconnected. So right now its just me , my kids, and my thoughts.

I cant find work here so im actually planning on moving to another city. He'll take the kids until I can get established where im going. A fresh start all together.


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## lostwithouthim

I think that's the problem with my spouse. He has depression and he won't get any help for it. He says he is trying to manage it on his own without any counselling or medication. I know I shouldn't think like this, but I actually feel sad for him. He's living in a one bedroomed flat. Part of me thinks it serves him right but then I think I must be a really bad person for him to live like that rather than a three bedroomed house. No wonder he wants half of it! Fortunately for me, He can't get his hands on this place as my stepdad put a lot of money into this place and paid off the mortgage. I'm still going to go and get advice so I am armed in case he tries anything! 
It's such a shame you can't get work and having to move  The employment crisis seems to be worldwide, not just in this country! I suppose you've checked everywhere to get work? Have you tried to get agency work? I know it's only temporary work, but sometimes they can be made permanent. I suppose though I'm teaching you to how to suck eggs! I'm sure you've explored every route! What is it you do and which city do you live in and I'll have a look for you as well  A fresh pair of eyes might be just what you need 
You're going to miss your kids terrible  Oh my heart goes out to you at this time  Let me help you with your job search. Don't do anything drastic and move to a new city. I know that's what you probably feel like doing, but it won't help IMO!


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## catch22gofigure

The firm I worked for left this town four years ago and I have been working seasonally with an agency since then. This town is small and im all applied out. I was told I am a huge hire risk to tje service type jobs as they feel once im hired by them if something more beneficial pay wise comes along, im out on them. Which is true. I am educated in nursing (no LPN, I switched majors ) Bit I do have a degree in Business Admin Technologies w a specialty in healthcare, Im also a IT professional mainly specializing in software development and support. So i have no choice but to seek outside of here. 
He is saying he doesn't want me to go . For me to move in with him..., really dude ??? Some nerve. We've been discussing this off an on for months now. The only reason im not gone already is because he keeps saying ...just give it another week. Its time to go now for real. I mean why would I move back into the house with a man who for one is "done" and for two i know what living with him is like. Mind you we've not fixed a thing....ohhh no. Im equally done..that is too much stress for me.
I will miss my babies. But where I'm planning on going is only about an hour away. So I can come up often as I like to see them. I'm sure I'll find work fast there, so the interim won't be long. The city i live in is like Mayberry. All jobs are moving to the city I'm going to. I'll be staying with a relative until i secure work.


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## catch22gofigure

What is IMO...lol i keep seeing it everywhere


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## lostwithouthim

Fair enough I suppose  The house where he's living now, did that used to be the family home?
I wouldn't move far though as you're still wanting to see the kids on a regular basis and he will want to see them as well.
If he's not prepared to change, then unfortunately there's nothing else you can do  It's such as shame he won't go to MC with you. Do you think he would read a self help book? Maybe move on, give him and you some breathing space (which you have never had!) and maybe it will give you both some thinking time as well


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> What is IMO...lol i keep seeing it everywhere


IMO = In my opinion 
There's some abbreviations that they use on here as well that I just can't work out! 
I'm off to bed now, it's wayyyyy past my bedtime. Speak to you soon


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## catch22gofigure

Ohh yeah i keep forgetting you are in the UK... no I'm in the family home. He has an apartment about 7 min away. No I'm not gonna go too far, as We have an adult daughter who has a kid amd one on the way. He is stuck the way he is I think. So I can't continue to wait on what he may do. 5 months has been long enough.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> IMO = In my opinion
> There's some abbreviations that they use on here as well that I just can't work out!
> I'm off to bed now, it's wayyyyy past my bedtime. Speak to you soon


Ha ha..ok , ya learn something new everyday . Sweet dreams :sleeping:


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## catch22gofigure

Soooo after today's events ,comes the nights events. .. 
H felt the need to come over after work. Why is what im wondering. States he is spending the night and will sleep on the couch because I argues that you are not sleeping in what now is MY bed.(has not slept a night in this house since March ). So please somebody let me know why this man is in MY dining area on the computer playing the OLDEST SADDEST R&B you've ever heard. I REFUSE to start an argument as it clearly seems this is what he is fishing for. But it is 1:35 am in the morning. Legally, I cant keep him out, as I live in the family home; but whhhhyyyy ??


I've had to do my grieving alone, so how did I end up having to grieve with you ? You started this mess . That same ego that brought you to thos point. Should be that same ego that helps carry you through it. 

Ok had to vent...this is ridiculous. ..leave me be already! !


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## lostwithouthim

Vent away  by the sounds of it he doesn't want to lose you. He was probably up until 1.35 because he couldn't sleep. He's now feeling your pain that you've been feeling for the last 5 months! Ask him what he wants and if he says you then just say - it hurts doesn't it? Lol. You guys definitely need some counselling or a mediator or something. If he won't talk to anyone, then say you either talk to someone or it's over as far as you are concerned! Family homes are terrible for them just letting themselves in at a whim. My husband decided to cook here the other day when he was looking after my son and took some cheese out of the fridge without asking me first! When he first moved out, he went round the house taking some random stuff. Btw the friend I thought wasn't talking to me has family problems and that's why she didn't answer my call as she was too upset. Talk about paranoia!! Lol. Hope today goes well for you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I honestly just want this all to.be over. It's so mind consuming. Limbo rollercoasters suck !! He gives a lil , then retreats a lil. The pbone calls and contact dont ever end, the full on emotional and financial support is not ending it seems, i just don't get it. Ive been trying to read other threads and such. But I truly feel alone in my confusing situation. Nobody else's story is quite like mine....ugggh. Im just having a moment you guys...pay me no mind



Yep go for your life Catch that's what we're here for .


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Ha ha..ok , ya learn something new everyday . Sweet dreams :sleeping:



Yeah 1/2 the time I'm missin a whole post just because the crucial piece in it all is like TMOKJUW, hu !!!


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Yeah 1/2 the time I'm missin a whole post just because the crucial piece in it all is like TMOKJUW, hu !!!


Lol whitehawk!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey Whitehawk, not seen you for a couple of days! You two should not be blaming yourself, I'm trying so hard not to blame myself. So what if you have a loud personality! You were made like that and that's who your partner married. I know how easy it is to blame yourself for the break up of the marriage, but it's really not your fault! It's up to your spouses to tell you where you are going wrong, what irritates them about you and reach a happy medium - not just wait until they can bear it no more and just go!


Hi Lost how you doing.
Yeah that personality thing is a funny one. I guess we shouldn't have to hold ourselves back , not sure about that one .
I put it down to what you do have together.
For us , we could also just talk , on and on and on, just naturally , so that's the trade of I guess.
Or as my dad always said , about anything - you never get perfect it doesn't exist .


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Vent away  by the sounds of it he doesn't want to lose you. He was probably up until 1.35 because he couldn't sleep. He's now feeling your pain that you've been feeling for the last 5 months! Ask him what he wants and if he says you then just say - it hurts doesn't it? Lol. You guys definitely need some counselling or a mediator or something. If he won't talk to anyone, then say you either talk to someone or it's over as far as you are concerned! Family homes are terrible for them just letting themselves in at a whim. My husband decided to cook here the other day when he was looking after my son and took some cheese out of the fridge without asking me first! When he first moved out, he went round the house taking some random stuff. Btw the friend I thought wasn't talking to me has family problems and that's why she didn't answer my call as she was too upset. Talk about paranoia!! Lol. Hope today goes well for you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol I raid x's fridge all the time , what your worried about a piece of 
cheese , don't get it.
Good news with your friend , didn't think that sounded right.
Lost when you say looking after your son , what at the house , so whart's wrong with whipping up a feed , I do that all the time too.
Isn't the house 1/2 his anyway , is he paying the mortg and bills.
Anyway , personally I say don't sweat the small stuff.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Vent away  by the sounds of it he doesn't want to lose you. He was probably up until 1.35 because he couldn't sleep. He's now feeling your pain that you've been feeling for the last 5 months! Ask him what he wants and if he says you then just say - it hurts doesn't it? Lol. You guys definitely need some counselling or a mediator or something. If he won't talk to anyone, then say you either talk to someone or it's over as far as you are concerned! Family homes are terrible for them just letting themselves in at a whim. My husband decided to cook here the other day when he was looking after my son and took some cheese out of the fridge without asking me first! When he first moved out, he went round the house taking some random stuff. Btw the friend I thought wasn't talking to me has family problems and that's why she didn't answer my call as she was too upset. Talk about paranoia!! Lol. Hope today goes well for you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I somehow finally fell asleep even with all the music madness and woke up to this ninja (for lack of a better word ) in my bes spooned with me WTF !!!! I have politely gotten up, got the kids up so they can ready themselves for school, and now at the gym. I think thats what it is too...but too effin bad, thats what he gets. I dont care one ounce tgis time that he is hurting. That was a mimd game he was playing I feel yesterday to gauge my reaction to what he said. I passed ! No tears or questions from me, just a polite thank you... thats all I was waiting to hear was my reply. Obviously the shii backfired on him. Maybe he was expecting a tear or some begging or something, NEVER !! After the gym, hopefully he'll be gone to his own place amd I can come back and get started packing my things for storage. Space is what he wanted...soace is what he is about to get. Im so much of a people pleaser , that this H here is about to get his requests fulfilled....awww im such a good wife:smthumbup:


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## lostwithouthim

I don't mind him having some of my food, but it would be nice to be asked first. Yes he looks after our son at our house. We don't have a mortgage and I'm paying all the bills at the mo. I know it's only a bit of cheese lol. The thing is as well I don't drive so I have to take the bus everywhere. I haven't got time to do the shopping and when I do I just buy what I need as I have to carry it home on the bus. It just means that if he eats half the cheese, then I have to go out to buy some more when I get a chance. Like I said, if he told me first if he took some, then it would stop me feeling anxious. I went through a terrible time when he first left as he had taken some household stuff and I didn't notice they were missing straight away. When I went to use them it was like I'd been burgled and it seemed like it was every day I noticed something was missing. I think it's psychological as well as he moved out when me and my son were out for the day, he sent me a text to say he'd left and I got home to find the spare bed missing, the chest of drawers from the spare bedroom and his computer. All the time when I was out I was thinking loving thoughts about him, I bought him a gift from the place we went to and some other bits and bobs. I even took some photos for him as I felt sorry that he'd missed out!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Yep go for your life Catch that's what we're here for .


Thanks So very much  Having you guys is what's fueling my empowerment. People helping people all across the world. :biggrinangelA:


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## lostwithouthim

Catch, I missed your post back there. I was answering whitehawk's post. I must've missed that you said he had climbed into your bed, that is out of order!! I guess you've made your decision and are ready to up sticks and start looking after number 1. I will still be here to talk to you whatever you decide to do  I just want to make sure you're 100% sure that this is what you want 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Yeah 1/2 the time I'm missin a whole post just because the crucial piece in it all is like TMOKJUW, hu !!!


My sentiments exactly! !! Ive been having that feeling since coming to TAM...ha ha ! I did however find a page that actually lists all the used abbrev and lingo here. Kinda takes away from the viewing having to use a chart to decipher the meaning of stuff and most of the time i forget to pull it up to use . I just think forget it and go to the next post:scratchhead:


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hi Lost how you doing.
> Yeah that personality thing is a funny one. I guess we shouldn't have to hold ourselves back , not sure about that one .
> I put it down to what you do have together.
> For us , we could also just talk , on and on and on, just naturally , so that's the trade of I guess.
> Or as my dad always said , about anything - you never get perfect it doesn't exist .


Your dad's saying is right. I'll add one of my favourites to that in relation to the H . And that's the fact that you can't fix stupid. ..:banghead:


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## catch22gofigure

Lost I hate that your friend is going through things as well. Im happy though that her behavior was not against you. So I apologize for the comment I made about her. I am just really protective over people that I consider to be friends. And ive befriended you, even if it's only in cyberspace.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, I missed your post back there. I was answering whitehawk's post. I must've missed that you said he had climbed into your bed, that is out of order!! I guess you've made your decision and are ready to up sticks and start looking after number 1. I will still be here to talk to you whatever you decide to do  I just want to make sure you're 100% sure that this is what you want
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I appreciate that. Of course I still want reconciliation, not under these circumstances though. Im gonna do what I have to for me. Letting go and letting God. If it happens in the meanwhile, ill know it was nothing but God. I am not in full control of me more less trying to get someone else in control of themselves.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I don't mind him having some of my food, but it would be nice to be asked first. Yes he looks after our son at our house. We don't have a mortgage and I'm paying all the bills at the mo. I know it's only a bit of cheese lol. The thing is as well I don't drive so I have to take the bus everywhere. I haven't got time to do the shopping and when I do I just buy what I need as I have to carry it home on the bus. It just means that if he eats half the cheese, then I have to go out to buy some more when I get a chance. Like I said, if he told me first if he took some, then it would stop me feeling anxious. I went through a terrible time when he first left as he had taken some household stuff and I didn't notice they were missing straight away. When I went to use them it was like I'd been burgled and it seemed like it was every day I noticed something was missing. I think it's psychological as well as he moved out when me and my son were out for the day, he sent me a text to say he'd left and I got home to find the spare bed missing, the chest of drawers from the spare bedroom and his computer. All the time when I was out I was thinking loving thoughts about him, I bought him a gift from the place we went to and some other bits and bobs. I even took some photos for him as I felt sorry that he'd missed out!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yeah how the hell do those loving thoughts fkg work anyway.
Do you know , the very night , I just couldn't wait for us to go to bed , to tell x everything I'd realized , was the night she gave me the sep letter.
I'd had a real light bulb moment through the 3wks before about all things us. I couldn't wait to tell her how much I loved her still and everything I'd realized and to love her again , repair what I'd done.
I get a sep letter ! TIMING :lol:


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I appreciate that. Of course I still want reconciliation, not under these circumstances though. Im gonna do what I have to for me. Letting go and letting God. If it happens in the meanwhile, ill know it was nothing but God. I am not in full control of me more less trying to get someone else in control of themselves.



Catch have you talked to someone , counseling whatever? 
Sad , feel like I'm watching a walk away wife actually happen. I know it's not all like that but that's how it feels.
Weird with you guys , I can't actually get the whole situation for some reason - can you Lost ? But it doesn't seem that bad .


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Catch have you talked to someone , counseling whatever?
> Sad , feel like I'm watching a walk away wife actually happen. I know it's not all like that but that's how it feels.
> Weird with you guys , I can't actually get the whole situation for some reason - can you Lost ? But it doesn't seem that bad .


That's the whole reason for me finally posting my story. I had been looking through the threads for months before actually creating an account. Because no ones story seemed quite like mine. If you feel like you're missing something, imagine how I feel.
1. jan he decides after a argument about technology, a field that I work in, something that all he knows about I taught him. He woke up the next morning with the im moving out story
2. For two months there was NC other than about the picking up and dropping off of kids
3. I went and talked to attorneys end of Feb, took info for any of his requests to be made known before I file to be fair, dropped the info and attorney # to his mom to maintain no contact 
4. That evening I got a text that if I like we can talk about the legal matters, we met at a pub nearby. I thanked him for the good times and bad let him know there is no animosity anf that the children will always be at his and his families disposal at anytime . He was pissed and said that i am moving way too fast to wait..
5 that night he asked if he could come by, i denied. The next night i was invited to dinner and soooommmmeeeehhhoowwww , we became intimate. 
6 Hit the green button as the rollercoaster has begun...now were here.

What started out as a WAH husband switches back and forth as a WAW
I don't know if him moving out what trying to prove a point or what ;but if that's the case it's not working. Because i for whatever reason think his walking away proved my point. That he does not have in him what it takes to work through the difficulties marriage can bring. Sure i have PLENTY of hangups. But im a problem solver. I in the past have suggested and attempted a myriad of things. He always seemed unattentive or could not see the importance that I did in doing so. So I stopped trying, in the midst of the many other challenges ibwas facing in life during these times. Me stopping trying. Refusing to argue, agreeing with anything he thought was true..pissed him off. A person can't argue alone. There was something wrong with anything I did or said. So I stopped making decisions. My answers was often, whatever you want, if that's what you like, or a simple I dont know. I felt if all you want is to be right and for things to go your way, ill give it to you to keep my sanity. Even doing that was insufficient. So hence the name again. I was put in a Catch22 situation, dam*** if I do or dont.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Catch have you talked to someone , counseling whatever?
> Sad , feel like I'm watching a walk away wife actually happen. I know it's not all like that but that's how it feels.
> Weird with you guys , I can't actually get the whole situation for some reason - can you Lost ? But it doesn't seem that bad .


I actually am just about to call a therapist that works with a local women's shelter and may do IC with me for free. So I'll know within the hour about that.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Lost I hate that your friend is going through things as well. Im happy though that her behavior was not against you. So I apologize for the comment I made about her. I am just really protective over people that I consider to be friends. And ive befriended you, even if it's only in cyberspace.


Hi Catch, this is a different friend, not the same friend. That one is still being a bit funny with me, but I'm over it now. Forget her and move on, she'll come round eventually  My other friend has distant herself from me at the moment, she's the one with the family problems. It's complicated! I do get the feeling I'm being avoided at times, probably because I'm whinging and whining about H all the time.


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Yeah how the hell do those loving thoughts fkg work anyway.
> Do you know , the very night , I just couldn't wait for us to go to bed , to tell x everything I'd realized , was the night she gave me the sep letter.
> I'd had a real light bulb moment through the 3wks before about all things us. I couldn't wait to tell her how much I loved her still and everything I'd realized and to love her again , repair what I'd done.
> I get a sep letter ! TIMING :lol:


I know all about the timing thing! It's so bl***y typical!


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Catch have you talked to someone , counseling whatever?
> Sad , feel like I'm watching a walk away wife actually happen. I know it's not all like that but that's how it feels.
> Weird with you guys , I can't actually get the whole situation for some reason - can you Lost ? But it doesn't seem that bad .


I agree Whitehawk


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree Whitehawk


Really you guys ? I don't want to be that type of wife though, in all honesty.ray: I just feel im left choiceless with someone else calling the shots on my future life...only because he said so. Or because of what he wants. What do you guys suggest I do or not do , outside if the 180 ? :scratchhead: he still is not allowing me to do it fully ? In the case of some people who cant get any rise out of their WAW or WAH ...my junk is total opposite. Of course I can be forceful in making him stay the heck away. But in what has to be my 180 (doing things opposite of what you've been doing ) this is gonna be a argument, a battle just waiting to happen. Thats what we have grown used to..arguing, fussing, and so on. What other way is there around it shy of me being flat out mean and nasty ? One of the things that helped lead of to this carnival of a life we have now. That counselor is out of her office today, so ill have to reach her again Monday. 

And Mothers Day is Sunday...do I bask in it with him should he lay it on heavy or 180 ? Decisions, decisions. ..see why I want off tgis dang ride of a rollercoaster. ..its making me nauseous :soapbox: lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hi Catch, this is a different friend, not the same friend. That one is still being a bit funny with me, but I'm over it now. Forget her and move on, she'll come round eventually  My other friend has distant herself from me at the moment, she's the one with the family problems. It's complicated! I do get the feeling I'm being avoided at times, probably because I'm whinging and whining about H all the time.



Ohh ok...well then, can I take back my apology. ..lol just kidding:lol:


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> What started out as a WAH husband switches back and forth as a WAW
> I don't know if him moving out what trying to prove a point or what ;but if that's the case it's not working. Because i for whatever reason think his walking away proved my point. That he does not have in him what it takes to work through the difficulties marriage can bring. Sure i have PLENTY of hangups. But im a problem solver. I in the past have suggested and attempted a myriad of things. He always seemed unattentive or could not see the importance that I did in doing so. So I stopped trying, in the midst of the many other challenges ibwas facing in life during these times. Me stopping trying. Refusing to argue, agreeing with anything he thought was true..pissed him off. A person can't argue alone. There was something wrong with anything I did or said. So I stopped making decisions. My answers was often, whatever you want, if that's what you like, or a simple I dont know. I felt if all you want is to be right and for things to go your way, ill give it to you to keep my sanity. Even doing that was insufficient. So hence the name again. I was put in a Catch22 situation, dam*** if I do or dont.


I know totally how that feels catch  My husband seems to give up too easily and not stick around to try and make this marriage work through our hang ups! It got to the stage for me where nothing I was saying was right, so I started agreeing with him. It wasn't long after that that he thought sod this and walked away from me!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Really you guys ? I don't want to be that type of wife though, in all honesty.ray: I just feel im left choiceless with someone else calling the shots on my future life...only because he said so. Or because of what he wants. What do you guys suggest I do or not do , outside if the 180 ? :scratchhead: he still is not allowing me to do it fully ? In the case of some people who cant get any rise out of their WAW or WAH ...my junk is total opposite. Of course I can be forceful in making him stay the heck away. But in what has to be my 180 (doing things opposite of what you've been doing ) this is gonna be a argument, a battle just waiting to happen. Thats what we have grown used to..arguing, fussing, and so on. What other way is there around it shy of me being flat out mean and nasty ? One of the things that helped lead of to this carnival of a life we have now. That counselor is out of her office today, so ill have to reach her again Monday.
> 
> And Mothers Day is Sunday...do I bask in it with him should he lay it on heavy or 180 ? Decisions, decisions. ..see why I want off tgis dang ride of a rollercoaster. ..its making me nauseous :soapbox: lol


The book I've ordered that talks about separation has a chapter in it about if he comes back to you. It's written by the same author that wrote 5 love languages. It's called hope for the separated by Garry Chapman. It takes the religious view so it is a positive read. If you've got a kindle or similar you can download it now!
Ok the other thing I suggest that you do is take one day at a time. I've just been to see my life coach and she suggests that if you feel used, then tell him! Ask him why he's friendly one minute and distant the next because it's doing your head in! Tell him that you don't want him to move back in just yet amd not to stay over at the family home, but you do want to work at the marriage. I have always said that if we ever hope to R then he's going to have to date me again before I can trust him enough to let him back in to the family home and my heart. I feel that if there is any R then it's going to take a long time, there's no doubt about that! Meanwhile I'm going to take the advice this book gives me and work on myself, which is what you need to be doing. Can you get out on your own, just the two of you? Take yourself away from this situation and go and do something fun together! Recreate memories of what you used to do when you were first dating. Get the romance back into your lives and I think this roller coaster that you are on will flatten in time  Hopefully the spark that was once there in your marriage will rekindle itself  I envy you, I really do, I wish I was in your position right now  You've been given another chance at your marriage, take it slow and steady and tell him to do the same  Waffle over


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## catch22gofigure

A lot of those POV's are in the 5 Love Languages as well. Im gonna look on my kindle for that one too here shortly. I don't think you would call this a second chance though Lost. I mean am I missing something, and im serious in asking that. The H has still not said ONE TIME that he wants to " work in it , work it out , Reconcile" not narry a time. What he has done has continue to add to our communication issue . Ican't mind read and he does not know my love language at all. Or he would know that the way I love requires words of affirmation. He wants me to accept love in HIS love language and I cant comprehend it. I took the time a year ago to learn how he receives love best. I want him to know that I too deserve someone who will take the time. to love me how I need to be loved. Even if just a little. And lest we not forget , as crazy as he's acting now about me it seems to most . This man is the same one who left months ago. Did it backfire on him ?? i dont know . Is he now thinking that he made a big mistake ?? i dont know..He wants to cake eat and rug sweep, at my emotional expense. I want a R so badly, but is it worth it, if indeed he does too, for me to settle. I wont say that he doesn't want to 100% R, but I can say with great certainty, obviously he doesn't want it bad enough.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> The book I've ordered that talks about separation has a chapter in it about if he comes back to you. It's written by the same author that wrote 5 love languages. It's called hope for the separated by Garry Chapman. It takes the religious view so it is a positive read. If you've got a kindle or similar you can download it now!
> Ok the other thing I suggest that you do is take one day at a time. I've just been to see my life coach and she suggests that if you feel used, then tell him! Ask him why he's friendly one minute and distant the next because it's doing your head in! Tell him that you don't want him to move back in just yet amd not to stay over at the family home, but you do want to work at the marriage. I have always said that if we ever hope to R then he's going to have to date me again before I can trust him enough to let him back in to the family home and my heart. I feel that if there is any R then it'st going to take a long time, there's no doubt about that! Meanwhile I'm going to take the advice this book gives me and work on myself, which is what you need to be doing. Can you get out on your own, just the two of you? Take yourself away from this situation and go and do something fun together! Recreate memories of what you used to do when you were first dating. Get the romance back into your lives and I think this roller coaster that you are on will flatten in time  Hopefully the spark that was once there in your marriage will rekindle itself  I envy you, I really do, I wish I was in your position right now  You've been given another chance at your marriage, take it slow and steady and tell him to do the same  Waffle over


 What is Waffle Over ?...lol Ahhh dating , I would love to do that. We never did to be honest. ..fell deeply in love at a very young age and quickly too. Have I told you my age ?


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> What is Waffle Over ?...lol Ahhh dating , I would love to do that. We never did to be honest. ..fell deeply in love at a very young age and quickly too. Have I told you my age ?


No you haven't mentioned your age  Waffle over is the same as rant over  Waffle means to talk a lot about nothing in particular, lol. I don't know how else to explain it. So when someone says stop waffling, they mean just get to the point. Hope I've explained it well enough 
I'm sorry if I misunderstood, I just assumed that your H wanted to R. He is acting like he does! If you met at an early age and never been on a proper date, well then now is your chance  What's the time over there at the mo btw? It's 9.30pm here


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> No you haven't mentioned your age  Waffle over is the same as rant over  Waffle means to talk a lot about nothing in particular, lol. I don't know how else to explain it. So when someone says stop waffling, they mean just get to the point. Hope I've explained it well enough
> I'm sorry if I misunderstood, I just assumed that your H wanted to R. He is acting like he does! If you met at an early age and never been on a proper date, well then now is your chance  What's the time over there at the mo btw? It's 9.30pm here


Ahh ok..im learning, im learning. ..lol its now 5:52pm here now. No dont apologize. He's confusing Lost...he really is. I want to believe that's what he wants too based on his actions. I just cant rely on being right about that and then be wrong like I have been. Remember he just told me yesterday that we just need to work on ourselves. ..then came over later that evening with the crazy sad depressing love music. There's no real way to follow what he wants. Thus forcing me to demand what I want and that's for him to.verbalize it. For one it's my love language and for two that's the only way to know definitely what's going on in this man's mind and heart. If only it could be that simple
Oh and im 34 by the way. Still young enough to start my life anew if he cant get it together. Like i said before, im willing to fight hard for this marriage..but only if he's is the ring with me ready to go all rounds.


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## lostwithouthim

I just wondered about the time difference and when you're likely to be posting as at the moment I am sat here on my own, my son has gone over to his dad's and all my friends either haven't got any money, doing stuff with their partners or going out somewhere else. So you are 5 hours behind me  
I've got a question about 180. I've been trying to look up on other threads and don't want to really start a new one in case I get some negative person saying stuff.
When my husband left today, I mentioned that I needed to get the vacumn cleaner emptied because it wasn't getting the floor clean. He said he would do it but I said no don't worry I can manage. BUT... I can't get the cylinder off, lol. Also there's a drawer that won't close, there's stuff that has fallen behind it and I can't lift it out as it's too heavy.
My question is - do I take my husband up on his offer of help or is that breaking the 180 rules? So far I've not done the complete 180, but I hope once I get this book then it might make things clearer for me, lol 
I don't think you should demand what you want from your husband. I think demand is too strong a word! I would ask him politely what does he want from this? friendship or R? You could also mention that there is no in between as it's just confusing for you  However much you want it, stay away from the sex  You're a strong person and you need to be treated with respect and like a lady not a sex symbol  My husband asked me for a back massage today, which I gave him as that will be my job. I stayed professional at all times and didn't get emotionally involved. He did get turned on by my touch and I thought well I can't be that bad if I'm still turning him on, lol. BUT... I wouldn't do anything else with him no matter how much he wanted it. It goes against everything I believe in. Maybe it's God testing me, IDK! I did ask God to take over the other day as I've given up trying. Only time will tell, but for now I'm not expecting him to come back soon.


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## catch22gofigure

Well with the 180 I have honestly been gauging what I should and shouldn't do based on my current situation that day with the H. Personally, I would let him do it. For starters that is still your husband that you want R with. I have made the mistake in the past of being a lil too independent, challenging his manhood he says. Things like that make some men feel good. You want him in a feel good mood when he is around I would assume.Now some women will make up scenarios just to have him around. I don't think you'd do that. You genuinely need help with some things from time to time. I even know divorced women whose exe's will help with things like that, so no prob at all. One thing that stuck out to me was his request for you to touch him...that's good I think. Even though not intimately, from the book I'm reading again. Touch is some people's love language. He's depressed as you said. Human touch is vital, as im sure you know some babies not having human touch have died and not thrived ,just for lack of it. So did he genuinely need a massage or is his love language pot empty further deepening his depression ? I'll let you decide on that one.

As to me being on and off here posting im on and off all day and night. Scouring for some enlightenment on my situation. Literally waiting and anticipating you or WH to respond to my latest post, it's that bad. Thats why I keep saying its as if this separation is consuming me in some forms. If im not on here im either busy in the house. With the kids or he is sitting near me. I even get on when he is around as a refresher course for whatever he may say or do.


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## lostwithouthim

I'm not sure what you meant by - So did he genuinely need a massage or is his love language pot empty further deepening his depression? I've not read love languages so I'm not quite sure what you mean.
I'm on and off here as well, waiting for a response from you or WH, lol. It does help I think  When I'm at college, I will go on here during the day to check for any responses. I think I'm addicted, lol.
When I was giving him a massage, he put his hand on my knee. It felt good, not sexually or anything but felt very warm and friendly. I've not got a massage bed so it had to be on my bed and I had to have one knee on the bed to get in the right position.
Two things he mentioned today made me think he was changing back to my loving husband. The first thing he said was that he noticed he'd been swearing a lot and apologised. I said it was because of his friends that he hung around with and he agreed.
The second thing he commented on was that he'd not had a shave, something that I always nagged him to do, lol. I said I did notice, lol.
Now I might be reading too much into this and I'm trying not to think that he might be changing back to wanting me again as the next time he sees me he will probably be distant again! Back on the roller coaster, lol. I think sometimes I read too much into his actions and words. I read somewhere that men (no disrespect) just say what they mean without any hidden meanings and we shouldn't look into what they say too deeply.
I have been praying continually for him and hopefully God is finally reaching him and showing him the person he has become in the last few months.
I hope he will find his faith again and go back to church. It may not be at our church, but any church will do!
He did say that he misses the female touch, so reading into that he might not have AW like I thought he had. 
Before he left, he didn't like me touching him. He said his skin was sensitive and was going to visit the doctor about it. I took this personally and kept asking him is it me? He said it wasn't, but I'm still convinced it was! For him to ask me to give him a massage must mean he's better, lol.
I should be going to bed as I'm getting soppy again over him and it's 12.20am! lol. I'm trying to stay strong so I don't get hurt again! I know I've got a long way to go as I still love him and miss him. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him today, I was feeling closer to him today than I have been since we split.
However, he still went on about how I should tell my parents. I don't want to as they will only sl*g him off or say I'm better off without him! He still talked as if we won't get back together, IDK maybe he's trying to convince himself that this is what he wants!
Maybe this thread still should read I'm confused because I think we all are, lol.
Thanks for the advice about 180  I will take that on board and let him help me  Good excuse for me not to do the vacuming, lol. I've managed to shut the drawer, lol. 
I'm going to stay up for a little while longer if you want to talk Catch


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## catch22gofigure

What I meant by the massage is like the analogy I used about the babies. Just as we are on this rrollercoaster, so are they. It's hard for us to think it that way because in a lot of cases it's easy to forget what got us all in this situation. Especially when infidelityis not the issue. But you have mentioned before that he suffers with depression. If he has a physical touch necessity in order even feel somewhat alive. And has not stepped outside of his vows to you then asking for a massage what not only a desire; but vital to him feeling alive in a sense. If our needs of those natures are not met, your perception of thingsis clouded, your emotions are all out of whack , and you will find yourself merely existing.
He has been trying to improve the tiniest of things in his absence. Since there had been a distance in communication lately between you two. He verbalized those changes that you have not been privy to see. In working on himself, his bodies natural thirstto be whole prompted him to request touch. Just like being thirsty. You can want something to drink...tea, lemonade, punch, but there are those times when nothing will quench that thirst but water. And your body will loudly let you know what it needs no matter what.
Mine doesn't sound like he'll be back anytime soon our even at all either, though he did say today. Hey when you move down there..shoot I may just come on with you...uhhhhh no ! That is my thoughts. I'm telling you this man ego is bigger than what this marriage means to him if you ask me. He was soooo proud of himself when he moved out. Probably telling his peers oh noo I'm never going back this time. Now that it feels yucky for us to be this way...he ids too ashamed to be laughed at for what some would say, come crawling back. If that is the case, it's so immature and unattractive to. me. That's why It'd be so easy for me to stop trying and give up on R. I need a man with manly thoughts, who makes manly decisions. Not someone who is pre occupied with what someone invalid thinks of them. Or better yet what they know ours best for them.
I agree are all confused and even a bit scared . Fear of the unknown unsettles anyone..that's where our faith comes in and we seek hea r from our Spiritual voice. That is the only person who truly knows how our stories will end. And in most cases you just have be still, patient, and have faith that He will give us our hearts desire or at least lead us to our true and perfect destiny.


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## lostwithouthim

I know what you mean by the male ego, it's a tough nut to crack! They need to stop taking any notice of their friends and listen to the voices inside their hearts and their heads telling them what to do. I understand what you mean when you say that touch is a basic need, that's why when my husband couldn't hug me it was emotionally draining for me. I went downhill with a bump because I suffer with depression as well. 
Someone quoted Mort Fertel on one of the other threads that we are subscribed to. He said before you call it quits, give it a year. If you don't then you will not find closure and will be forever wondering what if! During that year really try your hardest to R and if it still doesn't work after the year then it's not been a wasted year, it's been one of the most important years of your life!
Do you know these friends of his? I don't know my husband's friends and I often wonder how they treat their wives! It takes a big man to go against what his mates say and follow his heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Really you guys ? I don't want to be that type of wife though, in all honesty.ray: I just feel im left choiceless with someone else calling the shots on my future life...only because he said so. Or because of what he wants. What do you guys suggest I do or not do , outside if the 180 ? :scratchhead: he still is not allowing me to do it fully ? In the case of some people who cant get any rise out of their WAW or WAH ...my junk is total opposite. Of course I can be forceful in making him stay the heck away. But in what has to be my 180 (doing things opposite of what you've been doing ) this is gonna be a argument, a battle just waiting to happen. Thats what we have grown used to..arguing, fussing, and so on. What other way is there around it shy of me being flat out mean and nasty ? One of the things that helped lead of to this carnival of a life we have now. That counselor is out of her office today, so ill have to reach her again Monday.
> 
> And Mothers Day is Sunday...do I bask in it with him should he lay it on heavy or 180 ? Decisions, decisions. ..see why I want off tgis dang ride of a rollercoaster. ..its making me nauseous :soapbox: lol



Hmm similar 180 issues my end so here's my solution.
My thing is , I fkd up big , I hurt her a lot so yes she did this , it's wrong but I did things I did. I think I still want us , if that could happen. But it's so hard to know now because I've been to hell and back now and she did it.
Do I don't I , should I shouldn't I , 1/2 the time I don't haVe an fkg clue.
The second 180 problem with my x is , she's different and very proud.
If I completely 180 her , I'm scared she'll read it as if I've completely moved on, I'd put money on it and with her that would hurt her pride even more and she'd give up and move on herself.
In 18yrs I have never seen her approach anyone , acting like that with her, not once.
So I go about 140-50. 

Ps , enjoy mothers day - why the hell not. If he rocks up just go about 140-50 so as not to spoil it for the kids. Bit friendly , if he is , receptive , but not like overly . You have your pride and he needs to know that and that he can't just treat you any old way and you'll just roll on and forget about it . 

PS. Don't quote me on it but it sounds like him moving out was more about just some mental down time on it all , clear head stuff, is hard to tell though. Pretty sure now though he wants you guys and you back , don't quote me on that one either though . Does seem that way though.
It's like to , all the lawyer stuff was hey hey slow down I didn't mean divorce just a bit of space - could be wrong though .


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I know what you mean by the male ego, it's a tough nut to crack! They need to stop taking any notice of their friends and listen to the voices inside their hearts and their heads telling them what to do. I understand what you mean when you say that touch is a basic need, that's why when my husband couldn't hug me it was emotionally draining for me. I went downhill with a bump because I suffer with depression as well.
> Someone quoted Mort Fertel on one of the other threads that we are subscribed to. He said before you call it quits, give it a year. If you don't then you will not find closure and will be forever wondering what if! During that year really try your hardest to R and if it still doesn't work after the year then it's not been a wasted year, it's been one of the most important years of your life!
> Do you know these friends of his? I don't know my husband's friends and I often wonder how they treat their wives! It takes a big man to go against what his mates say and follow his heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think its his friends really. .he does not have many that he talks to on a regular basis. But we live in a small town. Everybody knows everybody here and they try to know everything going in in everybody's life. So its more an internal thing for him. I know what friends he does have and they all think he's stupid for leaving. I thought about the whole year thing...really thinking about it . We'll see how it plays out as far as my emotions go for taking on another seven months of this.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hmm similar 180 issues my end so here's my solution.
> My thing is , I fkd up big , I hurt her a lot so yes she did this , it's wrong but I did things I did. I think I still want us , if that could happen. But it's so hard to know now because I've been to hell and back now and she did it.
> Do I don't I , should I shouldn't I , 1/2 the time I don't haVe an fkg clue.
> The second 180 problem with my x is , she's different and very proud.
> If I completely 180 her , I'm scared she'll read it as if I've completely moved on, I'd put money on it and with her that would hurt her pride even more and she'd give up and move on herself.
> In 18yrs I have never seen her approach anyone , acting like that with her, not once.
> So I go about 140-50.
> 
> Ps , enjoy mothers day - why the hell not. If he rocks up just go about 140-50 so as not to spoil it for the kids. Bit friendly , if he is , receptive , but not like overly . You have your pride and he needs to know that and that he can't just treat you any old way and you'll just roll on and forget about it .
> 
> PS. Don't quote me on it but it sounds like him moving out was more about just some mental down time on it all , clear head stuff, is hard to tell though. Pretty sure now though he wants you guys and you back , don't quote me on that one either though . Does seem that way though.
> It's like to , all the lawyer stuff was hey hey slow down I didn't mean divorce just a bit of space - could be wrong though .


Ahh White Hawk ive missed you so. Me and Lost have been trying our best with this thing. A male perspective is so welcomed to us both. I agree with you on the. 140-50 thing. If I go full 180 on him he will think just as your. x would, he's gonna think i've moved on. I don't know if you caught my post about me moving to another city here in the next month or so. Well he is begging me in so many ways not too. My question is why not, i haven't asked him that, buti. Think it. That's when it really hit me that he may have really only wanted space or ro try and prove a point of some kind to me. He has hinted for the last few days here that he may follow me down . Now if. whay you initially wanted was to be away from me...what you wanting to come for? He has showed sadness everytime I mention anything about the move as I prepare to transition. So i try to limit speaking to him about it. As a way of improving me, I need this mo
ve and cant allow him to talk me out of it.
I understand your wife's action in a lot if ways though as far as why you have to 140-50 her. All that I've went through over the last 19 yrs with the H. ..i would react the same way. I almost did hence the going to talk to 
Lawyers so quickly. Do you think she is a x who has just learned to harden her heart ? I often think thats what i've done. Not conciously, but the heart will do it on its own.it it's a survival thing. Before its to the point where its broken forever. Numb or completely useless for anything, adaptations make way to protect it. The people whose heart does not use this method are the people who going through we're going through have nervous break downs, commit suicide, become heavily dependent on drugs or alcohol...because their poor heart. Just like the marriage is irreparable forever, or at leastuntil. until someone convinces them on how to heal it. We had both somehow initiated NC, even before I knew what it meant. So I was like fine. Im not gonna wait around until you find someone else, or this gets uglu. Let's nip it in the bud now and get it over with i've beenhurt enough. What will you be doing for your x for Mothers Day ?


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## lostwithouthim

Hey Whitehawk, like Catch said we've missed the male perspective on this.
Somehow my last post got deleted, so I'm going to have to write it again  Bummer 
My husband came round today to drop my son off. He picked me up from town after I'd done some shopping, helped me pack my bags in the shop, gave me a lift back home and took the bags out of the car. What wrong with that I hear you ask? isn't that normal? Well no, not since he moved out. He once took me into town to do some shopping, stood back whilst I packed my own bags and then drove me home. He did take the bags out of the car though I must admit.
Anyway that is small progress I think. He went on today about the massage I did and said his back was much better now thanks to me. He said he's feeling turned on at the mo, but won't ask me for anything else as he knows what the answer will be! He did say was I trying to turn him on with the short skirt that I was wearing, I said it was over leggings so I didn't think it was that short. I reminded him that I'd worn it before when I was out with him, but he seems to forget all about the positive things and just about the negative stuff. He needs to stop reminding himself how we've just been friends for the last 4 years and start working on the positive things that have happened.
Whitehawk, I know you mentioned about not changing the spare room into a beauty room, but I had to mention it to him when he was on about selling the house earlier this week He seems to be very eager for me to move my stuff into the spare room and change it into a beauty room. I think he's telling me that he's moved on and I should too! See! mixed message again! I am going to give it a year and see how things progress during that time. I will not be doing anything rash during that time, I know I've got to have patience. It would be nice if I could see what God has planned for me, but he keeps saying patience dear child, patience!!
Looking forward to hearing from you both soon, TAM addicts, lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey Whitehawk, like Catch said we've missed the male perspective on this.
> Somehow my last post got deleted, so I'm going to have to write it again  Bummer
> My husband came round today to drop my son off. He picked me up from town after I'd done some shopping, helped me pack my bags in the shop, gave me a lift back home and took the bags out of the car. What wrong with that I hear you ask? isn't that normal? Well no, not since he moved out. He once took me into town to do some shopping, stood back whilst I packed my own bags and then drove me home. He did take the bags out of the car though I must admit.
> Anyway that is small progress I think. He went on today about the massage I did and said his back was much better now thanks to me. He said he's feeling turned on at the mo, but won't ask me for anything else as he knows what the answer will be! He did say was I trying to turn him on with the short skirt that I was wearing, I said it was over leggings so I didn't think it was that short. I reminded him that I'd worn it before when I was out with him, but he seems to forget all about the positive things and just about the negative stuff. He needs to stop reminding himself how we've just been friends for the last 4 years and start working on the positive things that have happened.
> Whitehawk, I know you mentioned about not changing the spare room into a beauty room, but I had to mention it to him when he was on about selling the house earlier this week He seems to be very eager for me to move my stuff into the spare room and change it into a beauty room. I think he's telling me that he's moved on and I should too! See! mixed message again! I am going to give it a year and see how things progress during that time. I will not be doing anything rash during that time, I know I've got to have patience. It would be nice if I could see what God has planned for me, but he keeps saying patience dear child, patience!!
> Looking forward to hearing from you both soon, TAM addicts, lol


Girrrrrrllll !!! This man is comimg around it seems , slowly but surely ! 
Now for my waffle over (i hope im using it correctly. ..lol  )
*Clears throat * 
What did I tell you about that massage ?? It was something deeper than , oh I just want one. He is healing , emerging, testing the waters it seems. Seems like to me you have one on your hands that just wont come out and say what he wants too.
Well Lost my friend, seems to me you have some progress...  So excited for you. Im sure this means a lot to you.
Psssst , ummm though you are doing the right thing by not being intimate with him. Maybe it wouldn't have hurt to have been a little" spunky" with those very subtle; yet direct flirty things your H said to you. Reward him for his progress inadvertently. ..lol 
Idk if it was or wasn't an issue for you all; but say you've been one to withhold intimacy from him at times. I feel that could be seen as something that may be still a very important things that much change if his feelings are to change and R is to become. That's just IMO, you dont have to be intimate with him to let him know that there is still a place for that in your marriage. ...he just has to get on the right path that will lead him to a true R and ultimately to a life of verrrryy intimate moments i'm. Sure


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## catch22gofigure

As for the spare room ....errr idk bout that one. I mean if you look at it from a positive POV ,then it could be read totally different. I mean it is after all a "spare" room. It could be him saying, go ahead do that one thing you've always wanted to do even before the split. Because should he return home and R successfully, there will be no need for a spare room that he could use to sleep in the next rocky road in the marriage shows up. Thinking positively won'tallow him to anticipate another rocky road. And if he us wanting half and all that as far as the house is concerned, the last thing i'd think he'd want is you doing something like that to the house. What if the most prospective buyer is one who has no plans for renovations upon closing. That's just a different way of looking at it I think.


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## lostwithouthim

Catch when he came back to me the first time this year, I know it's confusing, lol, we had some very intimate moments  Ok so the last 4 years have been a bummer, but I did try to make it up to him the last time and that didn't seem to work.
IDK, it was just something that my life coach said to me. She's been chatting to my hubby, not life coaching him but just getting feelers out. She wouldn't tell me exactly what he said because that would be breaking confidentiality, but she did say that he knows exactly what he wants and he's made up his mind! She obviously hasn't seen him since the massage, but she did say to me be careful that I don't get used.
I suppose in one way I am flirting with him by wearing the short skirt, but then backing off. My hope is that he will start to miss me when he's not here. I do know it's going to be a slow progress and I am hoping for that as I don't want to rush into things.
I bought him a gift when I was out today. It didn't cost a lot, but he took it and he appreciated it. Mort Fertel says - give your spouse a gift. Now here's the key. It can't be just any gift. Your spouse has to feel YOU in it. You see, the most important part of a present is that it embodies the presence of the one who gave it to you. This is not a matter of money. This takes time, thought, and energy. I spotted this and thought of my husband. It's something useful so I hope that when he uses it, it will remind him of me.
Catch, you are giving me more hope and making me smile, but I'm hoping it's not false hope. I don't want to get hurt in this, like you I've had enough hurt in this past month.
I would like Whitehawk's opinion on this from a male prospective. He doesn't seem to come on as much so maybe he's getting himself sorted and moving on. Is that right Whitehawk? WHITEHAWK! R U THERE! lol.
You did use waffle in the right context, but you don't have to put "over" with it  I just used "over" when I had finished my waffling, lol. But anyway you weren't really waffling, you were stating an opinion, lol.
As for the beauty room, like you IDK! We do use the spare room for visitors, but as I look at it - everything is reversable 
The other thing that makes me go hmmm is when my son asked if we were going to see nan this summer, my hubby said well it's a bit too far to go on the train (I don't drive you see!). I said I don't yet know what we'll be doing this summer, it will be a bit awkward staying with my MIL. 
I think he has accepted that I won't sell as I want to make the room into a beauty room. There not going to be a massive change to the room anyway, I'm just putting a couch in there and some cupboard space. I can't afford to do anything else with it at the mo.
Talk soon


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Ahh White Hawk ive missed you so. Me and Lost have been trying our best with this thing. A male perspective is so welcomed to us both. I agree with you on the. 140-50 thing. If I go full 180 on him he will think just as your. x would, he's gonna think i've moved on. I don't know if you caught my post about me moving to another city here in the next month or so. Well he is begging me in so many ways not too. My question is why not, i haven't asked him that, buti. Think it. That's when it really hit me that he may have really only wanted space or ro try and prove a point of some kind to me. He has hinted for the last few days here that he may follow me down . Now if. whay you initially wanted was to be away from me...what you wanting to come for? He has showed sadness everytime I mention anything about the move as I prepare to transition. So i try to limit speaking to him about it. As a way of improving me, I need this mo
> ve and cant allow him to talk me out of it.
> I understand your wife's action in a lot if ways though as far as why you have to 140-50 her. All that I've went through over the last 19 yrs with the H. ..i would react the same way. I almost did hence the going to talk to k
> Lawyers so quickly. We had both somehow initiated NC, even before I knee whay it meant. So I was like fine. Im not gonna wait around until you find someone else, or this gets uglu. Let's nip it in the bud now and get it over with i've beenhurt enough. What will you be doing for your x for Mothers Day ?



Ahh thanks Catcho. yeah I think he's had enough space wks ago and maybe , now again don't quote me on it I'm no mind reader but been trying to figure out how to get you guys restarted. Don't forget , 1 he'll feel like a bit of a tool for taking off and 2 he'd know - especially if you still have him on a diet , Catch tell me you still have him on a diet- that's he's hurt you and fkd you off - he needs to know that , it's good thing.

Of course he doesn't want ya to go , that's really funny I reckon. 
''Hey I'm moving out for a few mths but please don't go anywhere''

Yeah , mothers day , ahh . don't know.
Don't they say no cards, birthdays and [email protected] and she was seeing an om - so I don't go throwing myself at her no way.

Pretty sure she was hinting today though , Y dropped my D of early for mothers day see.
First thing she said when I walked in was - oh I've got coffee now. See she hasn't had coffee for 2 wks so I leave even quicker. Can't hang around if there's no coffee 
I think she wanted me to stay longer.
Then she brought up mothers day, hmm, dunno what we'll do - her and d , might just hang out at home - what do you think [me] , what are you doing tomorrow anyway [me] 
So I dunno . Don't forget , she was seeing an om - not sure whats going on there now but none of her stuff my problem while that's on so.
Anyway I said oh well , have a nice day anyway and took off.
Now I've been feeling guilty and wondering if I should text her , wanna come over or something - for d and all .


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey Whitehawk, like Catch said we've missed the male perspective on this.
> Somehow my last post got deleted, so I'm going to have to write it again  Bummer
> My husband came round today to drop my son off. He picked me up from town after I'd done some shopping, helped me pack my bags in the shop, gave me a lift back home and took the bags out of the car. What wrong with that I hear you ask? isn't that normal? Well no, not since he moved out. He once took me into town to do some shopping, stood back whilst I packed my own bags and then drove me home. He did take the bags out of the car though I must admit.
> Anyway that is small progress I think. He went on today about the massage I did and said his back was much better now thanks to me. He said he's feeling turned on at the mo, but won't ask me for anything else as he knows what the answer will be! He did say was I trying to turn him on with the short skirt that I was wearing, I said it was over leggings so I didn't think it was that short. I reminded him that I'd worn it before when I was out with him, but he seems to forget all about the positive things and just about the negative stuff. He needs to stop reminding himself how we've just been friends for the last 4 years and start working on the positive things that have happened.
> Whitehawk, I know you mentioned about not changing the spare room into a beauty room, but I had to mention it to him when he was on about selling the house earlier this week He seems to be very eager for me to move my stuff into the spare room and change it into a beauty room. I think he's telling me that he's moved on and I should too! See! mixed message again! I am going to give it a year and see how things progress during that time. I will not be doing anything rash during that time, I know I've got to have patience. It would be nice if I could see what God has planned for me, but he keeps saying patience dear child, patience!!
> Looking forward to hearing from you both soon, TAM addicts, lol



Ok now your turning me on . Losto Losto, male perspective. A short skirt over leggings is about as hot as it gets . That makes me think , my x was coming over in this new little white skirt for awhile . Never dreamed it might have been for me , probly wasn't she was seeing om anyway.
I would never take x bags in now , she has om , she can carry them herself.
Jesus , your not kidding , mixed alright he's worse than mine. Fk him then do the spare room . 
PS , on the skirt , don't worry absence makes us notice things a lot more . is he seeing anyone - if not he'd be hornier than usual too.


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## whitehawk

Least you can start your new beauty room.
But yeah , mixed alright - he wouldn't want something would he ?
Has he hit you for anything since ? Yeah that yr things a good idea. Basically what I'm doing. Just going on with my life now , what's left of it . Seeing y d and the comings and goings of x , putting out my feelers on her but on with my life too, well I spose my new life .
I hurt her a lot , if she's going to do anything it's going to need time anyway but yeah I figure a yr too. But hey who knows mth to mth right now just coping with bills , work and crap too.
Starting to allow more petrol though now so that I can at least get the fk out of the house a bit , no if's no buts.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Ahh thanks Catcho. yeah I think he's had enough space wks ago and maybe , now again don't quote me on it I'm no mind reader but been trying to figure out how to get you guys restarted. Don't forget , 1 he'll feel like a bit of a tool for taking off and 2 he'd know - especially if you still have him on a diet , Catch tell me you still have him on a diet- that's he's hurt you and fkd you off - he needs to know that , it's good thing.
> 
> Of course he doesn't want ya to go , that's really funny I reckon.
> ''Hey I'm moving out for a few mths but please don't go anywhere''
> 
> Yeah , mothers day , ahh . don't know.
> Don't they say no cards, birthdays and [email protected] and she was seeing an om - so I don't go throwing myself at her no way.
> 
> Pretty sure she was hinting today though , Y dropped my D of early for mothers day see.
> First thing she said when I walked in was - oh I've got coffee now. See she hasn't had coffee for 2 wks so I leave even quicker. Can't hang around if there's no coffee
> I think she wanted me to stay longer.
> Then she brought up mothers day, hmm, dunno what we'll do - her and d , might just hang out at home - what do you think [me] , what are you doing tomorrow anyway [me]
> So I dunno . Don't forget , she was seeing an om - not sure whats going on there now but none of her stuff my problem while that's on so.
> Anyway I said oh well , have a nice day anyway and took off.
> Now I've been feeling guilty and wondering if I should text her , wanna come over or something - for d and all .


I am literally CTHU over here !!!! Exactly ,hey hun i am just
Tired of your a** for a while...so imma bounce and you just sit riggghhhtt there til I come back to my senses....psssht , the nerve if some people. And here I am doopid enough to even consider it at first.

Now I've seriously given thought to the unofficial NC , going dark we did....should I be considering that as a success ? I mean his actions and all ? I still want things verbalized and issues undealt with dealt with. If so, how or where do yoy start with that. Should I drop 180'ish ? Tsk , tsk ,tsk.....

Then you are right I guess I kinda forgot about the OM your x got fogged by. Has the fog lifted any on that ? I think you should text her though.. what harm could it do ? Then maybe since she "has coffee" you can hang around long enough to see where she's at on the issue of the OM. I think for Mothers Day a nice dinner or lunch would be good foryou all. If the weather is good ,pick somewhere with a deck or outside seating. That way you can soak in some good ol' vitamin D the feel good vitamin to help make it a calm and relaxed outing for you all.


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## catch22gofigure

Oh yeah,
He is still on a diet...(as I type this im literally lol ) i don't know who its agonizing more me or him. He keep trying and I keep saying. ..nope we just cant. He asks why, i said it confuses things for me . Puzzled ,he asked ,how is that ? I flat out told him I feel like you are having your cake and eating it too which leaves me feeling used and needed for one reason only. (Boy did I rehearse that one good ) He said , are u serious ? Then he told me , girl u need to quit with thinking you know my thoughts on stuff, you're always off most the time. He said guess ill have to respect that though, if thats how you feel. Hours later..back to the same..lips and hands coming at me in all directions. Im sticking to my guns though. ..as hard as it is to do so.


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## catch22gofigure

make


whitehawk said:


> Ok now your turning me on . Losto Losto, male perspective. A short skirt over leggings is about as hot as it gets . That makes me think , my x was coming over in this new little white skirt for awhile . Never dreamed it might have been for me , probly wasn't she was seeing om anyway.
> I would never take x bags in now , she has om , she can carry them herself.
> Jesus , your not kidding , mixed alright he's worse than mine. Fk him then do the spare room .
> PS , on the skirt , don't worry absence makes us notice things a lot more . is he seeing anyone - if not he'd be hornier than usual too.


Oh yeah, about whether or not the skirt was for you. ..I think it very well could have been. I have a ex boyfriend that I must say though i'd NEVER in a GAZILLION years think about dealing with. I can see it being a stroke of the female ego to know that I still "got it " So if there is an ounce of hope for R in her heart or mind...then it's imperative for her to know and see that you are still attracted to her.


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## catch22gofigure

And I apologize for my last few post being somewhat sensual in nature. I just am one of those people who think intmacy is a very real portion of separation just as it is in marriages. I mean think about it whether or not you actively are participating in it of some sort. It highly affects you. I mean for me, honestly speaking I am notat my best mood wise when frustrated in that area. Your rationale can be seriously off under those conditions. Its a hormone and if it's not functioning as designed for whatever the reason medically ir by choice. You are now experiencing a hormonal imbalance. So those who are choosing to refrain (as im learning to do ) have to realize, that we throw in yet another element of dysfunction to the situation by doing so. It may be necessary to do under our circumstancesbut that does not take away the fact the the imbalance is present in our WAH or WAW. Kinda like people who get sooo drunk they end up with a hangover. Now alcohol is what caused the hangover. But i've been told its that same alcohol even if just a little of it to lessen the hangover and restore some feelings if normalcy to your body. As with intimacy... it took a rapid decline of some form of intimacy in order to get us to the point of separation. Be it physically intimacy, communicated intimacy, or even religious intimacies....there was a decline somewhere. But in most cases to even begin to fix it you have to refrain from physical intimacy before you can increase intimacy of another form. So bare with me you guys if I *go there *


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch when he came back to me the first time this year, I know it's confusing, lol, we had some very intimate moments  Ok so the last 4 years have been a bummer, but I did try to make it up to him the last time and that didn't seem to work.
> IDK, it was just something that my life coach said to me. She's been chatting to my hubby, not life coaching him but just getting feelers out. She wouldn't tell me exactly what he said because that would be breaking confidentiality, but she did say that he knows exactly what he wants and he's made up his mind! She obviously hasn't seen him since the massage, but she did say to me be careful that I don't get used.
> I suppose in one way I am flirting with him by wearing the short skirt, but then backing off. My hope is that he will start to miss me when he's not here. I do know it's going to be a slow progress and I am hoping for that as I don't want to rush into things.


What's she mean by that though? Why is she talking to him ? And if she has your best interest at heart as a Life Coach...can't she at least hint as to what you should or should not expect out of your efforts ?


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Ok
> Jesus , your not kidding , mixed alright he's worse than mine. Fk him then do the spare room .


I dson't think I'll be fking him anytime soon, that's a big no no as far as I'm concerned, lol. Maybe I was wearing the skirt for him, maybe I wasn't - who knows, lol. He said yesterday that I never show my legs off because I don't like them, so I figured I'll show him! lol.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Then you are right I guess I kinda forgot about the OM your x got fogged by. Has the fog lifted any on that ? I think you should text her though.. what harm could it do ? Then maybe since she "has coffee" you can hang around long enough to see where she's at on the issue of the OM. I think for Mothers Day a nice dinner or lunch would be good foryou all. If the weather is good ,pick somewhere with a deck or outside seating. That way you can soak in some good ol' vitamin D the feel good vitamin to help make it a calm and relaxed outing for you all.


I agree with Catch here  Stay for a coffee. Just have a chat about this and that. My H always stays for a coffee and a catch up when he drops my son off. I always let him decide though, sometimes he might rush off. If she mentions coffee again, then just say oo that's nice. Wait for the invite or just be cheeky and ask her that's what my H does! I dunno about all going out as a family though if the om is still around. I wouldn't ask my H out for a family outing especially as he's the one who left. I do tell him where we're going though and maybe one day he'll ask if he can come along as well. You need to let her do the running, after all she's the one that left you!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> make
> 
> Oh yeah, about whether or not the skirt was for you. ..I think it very well could have been. I have a ex boyfriend that I must say though i'd NEVER in a GAZILLION years think about dealing with. I can see it being a stroke of the female ego to know that I still "got it " So if there is an ounce of hope for R in her heart or mind...then it's imperative for her to know and see that you are still attracted to her.


That's how I feel at the moment catch  I'm thinking oo I've still got it! I also like to think he's still attracted to me even though we've "grown apart". You could say your ex looks nie today when she wears something nice. It's what I normally do if I see my H wearing something different. It shows them that you notice.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> What's she mean by that though? Why is she talking to him ? And if she has your best interest at heart as a Life Coach...can't she at least hint as to what you should or should not expect out of your efforts ?


I think she means that my H has already moved on and is not interested in coming back. She talks to him because he does jobs for her and heoften has a tea with her afterwards and confides in her. She is also a spiritual guide, so she may be talking about his faith as well. She does say that I should plan for the future with or without him. I don't really put in any effort with him, I just act normally. I used to buy him little gifts when we were living together and thought I'd get him this gift today. It was probably a no no though! Where's that darned rule book again, lol!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I dson't think I'll be fking him anytime soon, that's a big no no as far as I'm concerned, lol. Maybe I was wearing the skirt for him, maybe I wasn't - who knows, lol. He said yesterday that I never show my legs off because I don't like them, so I figured I'll show him! lol.


Lol...nooo dont fk him...just make continue to subtly make him think about how his moving out is making him miss out. Im proud of ya. Cause this holding out is about to make me pull my hair out.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Lol...nooo dont fk him...just make continue to subtly make him think about how his moving out is making him miss out. Im proud of ya. Cause this holding out is about to make me pull my hair out.


hehe I remember the first time he left, 12 years ago. He moved in with AW so it was easier to move on that time! We did it the once when he came round because like you I was so turned on.
I remember going out with some girls, got drunk and said in a really loud voice - I'm so horny at the mo it's untrue! lol. Looking back, that was so embarassing!!
This time is different though. yes I am still turned on esp the way he was talking today, but as I'm not yet "fixed" with my problem it's easier I suppose not to do anything. My problem is I've only got one day off college a week and at the mo I can't afford not to miss any lessons to go to the doctor as I've an interview coming up for level 3 and I don't want the tutors to think I can't cope!
I'm always playing catch up on Fridays, so I've not had a chance to book an appt yet. Half term is coming up so hopefully I'll get an appt then  The way I see it there's no rush as I'm not active in that department atm, lol.
Well done you for staying away though, at least you won't think he's just after your body or just horny  I'm proud of you as well


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I think she means that my H has already moved on and is not interested in coming back. She talks to him because he does jobs for her and heoften has a tea with her afterwards and confides in her. She is also a spiritual guide, so she may be talking about his faith as well. She does say that I should plan for the future with or without him. I don't really put in any effort with him, I just act normally. I used to buy him little gifts when we were living together and thought I'd get him this gift today. It was probably a no no though! Where's that darned rule book again, lol!


One thing about men can be just as slick and smart as women can. hE knows that she isyour life coach im sure. So you think he could be feeding her what he wants her to hear ? Because just like my WAH, their actions these days are speaking a different language for someone so sure. Not saying that ultimately either one of our H want to come back; but the one thing I do know is that they are not 100% sure about what they want right now. And if he is not opening up to you, his wife. I doubt he. is relaying such sensitive information to a known mind picker so to speak, especially one he does work for. I do that to family friends and relatives a lot here. ..because what's going on with us is none of their business. So I let them know that its definitely over with us. We've grown apart, we're great friends. ..but that's about it. That way they think they have my positioning on it and will leave me alone about us trying to work it out. Something they all clearly want...but this isn't their life its up to us to decide what we want. Whether we are right or wrong. He could be doing the same thing in speaking with her.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> hehe I remember the first time he left, 12 years ago. He moved in with AW so it was easier to move on that time! We did it the once when he came round because like you I was so turned on.
> I remember going out with some girls, got drunk and said in a really loud voice - I'm so horny at the mo it's untrue! lol. Looking back, that was so embarassing!!
> This time is different though. yes I am still turned on esp the way he was talking today, but as I'm not yet "fixed" with my problem it's easier I suppose not to do anything. My problem is I've only got one day off college a week and at the mo I can't afford not to miss any lessons to go to the doctor as I've an interview coming up for level 3 and I don't want the tutors to think I can't cope!
> I'm always playing catch up on Fridays, so I've not had a chance to book an appt yet. Half term is coming up so hopefully I'll get an appt then  The way I see it there's no rush as I'm not active in that department atm, lol.
> Well done you for staying away though, at least you won't think he's just after your body or just horny  I'm proud of you as well


See me on the other hand all the activities i've tried to have and outings ive tried to go on has not been enough to distract me all the way. So we will see how long my "diet" can last. I said i'd give a diet a try. ..i never said I could go cokd turkey, or ana-sex-orexic, ...i may have to binge once a month or so .. .then purge using 180...lol Im just being honest. Today when he looked so sad in saying that he guess he has to respect my wishes on that...omg it was a natural aphrodisiac

But im gonna let you be my role model and try to erect some self control on that matter..lol


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## lostwithouthim

That sounds likely Catch, but then he knows that she won't tell me anything as it's supposed to be confidential. The thing is at the mo he can't move on from "the last 4 years we've just been living as friends" and until he realises that it wasn't all just friends then he may start to R. I just hope that the spark will rekindle itself. Maybe like you said he's unsure himself, so he wants some space to think things through on his own rather than have other people's opinions. This is probably likely. I do know that he won't take any jobs from this other woman as the last time he saw her she had a go at him for leaving me. I saw her today and told her not to say anything like that to H as it will annoy him and make him withdraw. When I told H later that she wanted some jobs doing, he said he wasn't going to do them as she's got an ulterior motive for seeing him. I don't think he wants to be pushed into anything atm


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> But im gonna let you be my role model and try to erect some self control on that matter..lol


Good for you, you know it makes sense! He'll just want you all the more and will be thinking of you more whilst he is away. This is what I'm hoping for with my H, that if I leave him wanting more then he'll think about me more and maybe start to miss me. Of course, it could all be a ploy and it might be just because he's horny like WH said! I expect he may want to leave early tomorrow and not stay for a coffee because he wants to distant himself again. Let the roller coaster begin! lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That sounds likely Catch, but then he knows that she won't tell me anything as it's supposed to be confidential. The thing is at the mo he can't move on from "the last 4 years we've just been living as friends" and until he realises that it wasn't all just friends then he may start to R. I just hope that the spark will rekindle itself. Maybe like you said he's unsure himself, so he wants some space to think things through on his own rather than have other people's opinions. This is probably likely. I do know that he won't take any jobs from this other woman as the last time he saw her she had a go at him for leaving me. I saw her today and told her not to say anything like that to H as it will annoy him and make him withdraw. When I told H later that she wanted some jobs doing, he said he wasn't going to do them as she's got an ulterior motive for seeing him. I don't think he wants to be pushed into anything atm


Exactly Lost. If true "confidentiality was at the forefront for her when in his presence YOU my friend would never come up. Confidentiality is confidentiality Lost. He should not even know she is your life coach unless you told him. Confidentiality would make her answer him , Im not at liberty to discuss who i coach and don't coach. Seriously. She could seriously be doing harm instead of helping the R. I know i don't like being in the presence these days of people I feel will try and sway me one way or the other. Or people who I feel only has his best interest at heart. So can't say I blame your H there..


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Good for you, you know it makes sense! He'll just want you all the more and will be thinking of you more whilst he is away. This is what I'm hoping for with my H, that if I leave him wanting more then he'll think about me more and maybe start to miss me. Of course, it could all be a ploy and it might be just because he's horny like WH said! I expect he may want to leave early tomorrow and not stay for a coffee because he wants to distant himself again. Let the roller coaster begin! lol


Thats the name of the game... two steps forward three steps back. I have almost gotten used to expecting a distance day or moment or two after we've had a "good" day. For me though like I said before, am officially done. Im only engaging in 180 for me now. If I want to be intimate it's because of my physical needs not a means to connect in any other matter. I won't ask any questions as to our future as Im moving on with mine the best I can. 
Now its dealing with what happens after I leave town. This is gonna be interesting. Maybe he'll find happiness somewhere with someone and won't have to bare the agony I have being consumed with this marriage moreso than myself. Thats what he initially wanted....right? ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That sounds likely Catch, but then he knows that she won't tell me anything as it's supposed to be confidential. The thing is at the mo he can't move on from "the last 4 years we've just been living as friends" and until he realises that it wasn't all just friends then he may start to R. I just hope that the spark will rekindle itself. Maybe like you said he's unsure himself, so he wants some space to think things through on his own rather than have other people's opinions. This is probably likely. I do know that he won't take any jobs from this other woman as the last time he saw her she had a go at him for leaving me. I saw her today and told her not to say anything like that to H as it will annoy him and make him withdraw. When I told H later that she wanted some jobs doing, he said he wasn't going to do them as she's got an ulterior motive for seeing him. I don't think he wants to be pushed into anything atm


Think about it Lost. He doesn't know she won't tell you anything, her confidentiality is with you . Not with him...she's your coach, not his. All she owes him is pay for whatever work he's done honestly.


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## whitehawk

Wound up going to x's for a few hrs for mothers day , for my d more than anything. text her last night see if she wanted me to , she said it'd be great if I could , whatever that means .
it was fkd though couldn't wait to get outa there.
For a start , I still don't know if om is still on the scene and I'm not asking her.
And then , it's hard enough spending a few hrs one or two nights a week there for my d , anymore makes me feel sick.
It just reminds me of what that rental of hers was all about and why she's even in there , then I start to boil.
She did say she thought of d just staying here Sat night and her coming over here for awhile Sun . That's better , at least this is our real home but anyway , didn't happen that way though so whatever now I spose.

Anyway , still no clue what's on her mind or happening with her .
I'm sorta beginning to look forard to some aspects of my new life without her to now , dunno. I'm still messed up


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## lostwithouthim

Hey you two, you've been busy whilst I've been asleep, lol. I'll have a word with my life coach today at Church and tell her not to bring me up at all when H is round doing jobs for her. He dpesn't know that I've been seeing her, but she did say to him that I may be going round just so he didn't turn up to work there at the same time. I think you're right Catch, I had doubts about going to see her in the first place because she was talking to H, but I think she's just letting him talk as she's not life coaching him.
WH, you've asked me to ask H - You want me to stop trying to read your mind ok , it's time you fkg tell me what the fk this is all about then. You're right what he will say may hurt me and I can't deal with anymore hurt at the mo. The same way that you wouldn't ask your ex as to what's going on in her mind


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## lostwithouthim

oh yes and another thing WH, I totally don't blame you for not wanting to spend time over there in her place. You should get her to bring your D over to your place more and invite her for a coffee. I think she'll start missing being at home eventually if she comes over more. I hope the place is tidy and clean when she comes over because that will show her that you're getting your life together without her. Change the furniture around, decorate the place a bit, put positive changes into the house and don't forget to add a feminine touch as well. If it's decorated all masculine then she won't like it at all, but if it's got a feminine touch she will and may also be suspicious that you've got another woman. Remember both of you, keep them guessing


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Oh yeah,
> He is still on a diet...(as I type this im literally lol ) i don't know who its agonizing more me or him. He keep trying and I keep saying. ..nope we just cant. He asks why, i said it confuses things for me . Puzzled ,he asked ,how is that ? I flat out told him I feel like you are having your cake and eating it too which leaves me feeling used and needed for one reason only. (Boy did I rehearse that one good ) He said , are u serious ? Then he told me , girl u need to quit with thinking you know my thoughts on stuff, you're always off most the time. He said guess ill have to respect that though, if thats how you feel. Hours later..back to the same..lips and hands coming at me in all directions. Im sticking to my guns though. ..as hard as it is to do so.



Catcho , if the timing/opp arises you should say to him well if you actually talk about your thoughts then I wouldn't have to , so what the fk is it your actually trying to do with all this [email protected] !


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey you two, you've been busy whilst I've been asleep, lol. I'll have a word with my life coach today at Church and tell her not to bring me up at all when H is round doing jobs for her. He dpesn't know that I've been seeing her, but she did say to him that I may be going round just so he didn't turn up to work there at the same time. I think you're right Catch, I had doubts about going to see her in the first place because she was talking to H, but I think she's just letting him talk as she's not life coaching him.
> WH, you've asked me to ask H - You want me to stop trying to read your mind ok , it's time you fkg tell me what the fk this is all about then. You're right what he will say may hurt me and I can't deal with anymore hurt at the mo. The same way that you wouldn't ask your ex as to what's going on in her mind


Na that was with what Catcho's hub said lost but hey - ask him anyway 
Nope seriously , know where your coming from though. 

With mine too , I just feel it's too soon anyway. That's why I'm always trying to read her instead of just talking about it.
I don't know if she'll ever turn or , maybe by the time she has if at all , I'm not interested anymore anyway - dunno . 
But I do feel she needs more time and if om is on the scene still , I'd want that to implode itself rather than force it on to.
If something fizzles itself out then it's done .
Besides , it's too sickening to even think about talking om [email protected] with her .

I'm all over the place !


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## whitehawk

For me from here put it this way , I'm driving my car but the passenger door is unlocked .
But I have to be driving my car from here because x well , once her walls up you can't really trust anything you see with her.


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## lostwithouthim

Hey WH, sorry I thought you were talking about my H then about asking him what is going on in his head. Like you, it is too early to be having deep conversations like that. H has just picked my son up to take him out, but he's coming back here for some lunch. I am going out with a friend for a carvery. Feeling quite good about this as he said he would've liked a carvery, I told him to enjoy his sandwich, hehe. He gave me the two fingered salute at this  I did say that perhaps we could all go out for a carvery another time. He didn't say no to that. Yes I know it's hard to do a 180 on them. 
I think it's always easier to do 180 on them if you know there's someone else on the scene. It won't last with this om, not when there's not been closure on your marriage. It will just go the same way that your marriage did, making the same mistakes. You need to concentrate on you now and try and change. You need to change in order for her to realise that your marriage may actually work this time around  I used this time to think a lot about where we have been going wrong, etc. btw, when you are next round at her, start snooping around and seeing if there's any clues that he's still around. Subtly ask her friends as well if she is still seeing him. Don't be direct but say something like - oh I saw my w the other day, she seemed very happy. Is she still seeing whathisname? Hope this helps. I don't want to tell you what to do, take what I say on board or ignore it I don't mind either way  have a good day 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Wound up going to x's for a few hrs for mothers day , for my d more than anything. text her last night see if she wanted me to , she said it'd be great if I could , whatever that means .
> it was fkd though couldn't wait to get outa there.
> For a start , I still don't know if om is still on the scene and I'm not asking her.
> And then , it's hard enough spending a few hrs one or two nights a week there for my d , anymore makes me feel sick.
> It just reminds me of what that rental of hers was all about and why she's even in there , then I start to boil.
> She did say she thought of d just staying here Sat night and her coming over here for awhile Sun . That's better , at least this is our real home but anyway , didn't happen that way though so whatever now I spose.
> 
> Anyway , still no clue what's on her mind or happening with her .
> I'm sorta beginning to look forard to some aspects of my new life without her to now , dunno. I'm still messed up


Aww im sorry it wasn't as pleasant 
n experience as you would have liked it to have been. As far as your place with her, i think she is scared to admit that there still is a place for you with her. She sounds a bit still in the fog to me. The stuff we go through in the name of love and family. ..smh. It makes you want to just give up to stop the pain. Then second guess yourself as to are you giving up too early. I wish it would have been a different outcome for you White Hawk. I do understand looking forward to new aspects of life. That's where i'm teetering back and forth from.


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## whitehawk

Yeah me to catch , just finished another post somewhere on exactly how I'm starting to feel lately but hey , even reading through TAM these mths , especially the female perspectives , I dunno if I could even be fkd with it to be honest . Seems damn near impossible asks to keep anyone but yourself happy these days , I dunno. And the work , yet you still end up with this bs.
I do know I am enjoying my hassle free freedom for a change though when ever I feel better and that's getting more and more , few plans and holidays I'm looking forward to too . And hey , i can move now , I hated it here , so alls not all bad.

But hey , we're trying to save your marriage not encourage you out the door so you didn't just read this ok :smthumbup:

Lost I could never go asking her friends , as if she hasn't humiliated me enough as it is .Fk it anyway too be honest right now , I'm off the idea again anyway.

Mothers day was ok btw , it wasn't that really , she even shouted a giant feed :smthumbup:
I just feel creepy being there like this.
I feel so guilty feeling that way for my daughter though , it's her new damn home . How could I ever explain that though to her, that part breaks my heart.
Dunno how some of these couples don't even go to the home though and pick them up somewhere else. I imagine not even going to your own childs home.
Fk this stuffs insane.


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## catch22gofigure

Lost it really looks like things are looking up !! Keep doing what you're doing it seems to be working: ) i can't wait to hear how lunch goes when you all do go


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## lostwithouthim

oh dear WH  it does sound like you are going through a rough time at the moment, from the female perspective of course  Is there not any part of you now that doesn't still love her or do you seriously want to move on? What I suggested to Catch was that she gives it a year and then see if she still feels the same then about moving on 
Just got back from my carvery, it was yummy  My H rang me up when he was out with our son to apologise for snapping at me and then asked how Church was this morning! He texted me later on saying I didn't have any milk, then said jokingly, I dunno no milk no carvery, i've just been on bread and water lol. I called him a meanie for trying to make me feel guilty. I really don't know where his head is at at the mo. He seems friendly enough, but I'm just hoping he's not leading me astray because I don't want to be hurt! I'm still planning ahead as if he's not going to be here though. Me and my friend have decided to take the kids camping in the summer and other things. She's has her problems I know, but we're back on track now I hope


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Lost it really looks like things are looking up !! Keep doing what you're doing it seems to be working: ) i can't wait to hear how lunch goes when you all do go


Don't worry I'll be shouting it from the rooftops if that ever happens, lol. You do give me a lot of hope though Catch, but it may be false hope. I don't want to get hurt again  Next Sunday we've got a bring and share lunch at the Church, yummy  That's very popular with my son, but he's going to be out with his Dad so he'll miss out! I'll have to see if I can sort something out  I know that my H won't want to go to the bring and share, but my son does


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> oh dear WH  it does sound like you are going through a rough time at the moment, from the female perspective of course  Is there not any part of you now that doesn't still love her or do you seriously want to move on? What I suggested to Catch was that she gives it a year and then see if she still feels the same then about moving on
> Just got back from my carvery, it was yummy  My H rang me up when he was out with our son to apologise for snapping at me and then asked how Church was this morning! He texted me later on saying I didn't have any milk, then said jokingly, I dunno no milk no carvery, i've just been on bread and water lol. I called him a meanie for trying to make me feel guilty. I really don't know where his head is at at the mo. He seems friendly enough, but I'm just hoping he's not leading me astray because I don't want to be hurt! I'm still planning ahead as if he's not going to be here though. Me and my friend have decided to take the kids camping in the summer and other things. She's has her problems I know, but we're back on track now I hope


Sounds like things are comingright along  and you are getting out doing things that is excellent. Love it ! Love it !


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## catch22gofigure

The H is acting really funny since I constantly am refusing his advances. Its scary , not knowing what he's thinking. That's the main reason I must continue to just move forward. I don't know why but it saddens me to see him sad. Gotta be strong though and not fall for these puppy dog eyes. See no one knows when this stuff will be over. Makes me sick just thinking about how long it could drag out. ..He so far has cooked me. Breakfast and told me how great of a mom I am; but today I also sense a great urge to push him away... i surely don't understand all these feelings I'm having....ugggh one of those days i guess.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> The H is acting really funny since I constantly am refusing his advances. Its scary , not knowing what he's thinking. That's the main reason I must continue to just move forward. I don't know why but it saddens me to see him sad. Gotta be strong though and not fall for these puppy dog eyes. See no one knows when this stuff will be over. Makes me sick just thinking about how long it could drag out. ..He so far has cooked me. Breakfast and told me how great of a mom I am; but today I also sense a great urge to push him away... i surely don't understand all these feelings I'm having....ugggh one of those days i guess.


It's understandable that you want to push him away, after all he's the one that left you! He's got to realise that he's caused a lot of hurt and anger between you both and you both need to take things slowly. I bet it was lovely having your breakfast made though 
We celebrate mother's day in march over here, just about the same time that H decided that he missed me and wanted to be with me again (the first time this year!). I am hoping there is chance of R, but that H just wants to take things slowly and not bodge it up like last time! (bodge = mess).
Remember the saying, slow and steady wins the race  Keep on with the diet, you're doing well  sort of, lol.


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## catch22gofigure

This is also only my 2nd Mother's Day since my mom passed. Maybe that's why i feel so yucky and sensitive: (


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> It's understandable that you want to push him away, after all he's the one that left you! He's got to realise that he's caused a lot of hurt and anger between you both and you both need to take things slowly. I bet it was lovely having your breakfast made though
> We celebrate mother's day in march over here, just about the same time that H decided that he missed me and wanted to be with me again (the first time this year!). I am hoping there is chance of R, but that H just wants to take things slowly and not bodge it up like last time! (bodge = mess).
> Remember the saying, slow and steady wins the race  Keep on with the diet, you're doing well  sort of, lol.


Thanks for the advice Lost, sometimes it's quite unbearable. He is off today and the mkids and I spent the night with him. I really just want to go home as i'm acting quite distant today with him. Very familiar to how I used to do before he left. Mayve us apart forever is truly best. Those are my feeling at this moment.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> This is also only my 2nd Mother's Day since my mom passed. Maybe that's why i feel so yucky and sensitive: (


Sorry to hear that Catch  I think it probably is the reason, no maybe about it


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## catch22gofigure

Yep, i have a total bottom out experience today I think. Power and strength. Zilch today. Just here rehabbing I guess.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks for the advice Lost, sometimes it's quite unbearable. He is off today and the mkids and I spent the night with him. I really just want to go home as i'm acting quite distant today with him. Very familiar to how I used to do before he left. Mayve us apart forever is truly best. Those are my feeling at this moment.


You are bound to be feeling up and down at the moment because of the situation and your mum. Sounds like you might be depressed. I get like that when I get depressed thinking yes maybe he's right, maybe we are better off apart, but then I do miss him when he's not here and would love for the day if he decides to give it another go. Only time will tell 
You both need to decide to change else the marriage will just be the same as it was before. Maybe do something different for a change. Go out for a meal with the kids or go somewhere you've not been before. Like I said, you're in a much better position than I'm in, at least he's coming round. Do a search on the internet for advice on how to spice up your marriage or how to change in your marriage.
I think it's so easy to get into a rut and slip back into our old routine. When H left, I've spent more time on my computer than watching TV and I'm doing more hobbies. It's so easy to slip back into the old ways again, like having lunch whilst watching TV. Giving you this advice has made me realise that if H comes back, then we need to change as well. We definitely need to go out more as a couple. 
I'm sure you can find somewhere to go that's within your budget or maybe pack a picnic. Over here we have lots of museums, art galleries and stately homes that are free to go to and there's events on especially during the summer. It seems to be winter time that we get stuck in, nowhere to go and we get fed up. Hope I've not stated the obvious, I seem to doing that a lot lately, lol


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## catch22gofigure

Yep depression at it's finest today . As for the marriage , I'm not really giving. it much thought as. far as R , more like grieving it's death. I just can't wait to leave this city. I think once I do that it won't be so many things, people, or place s that remind me of him. Like today. If you were a fly on the wall you'd think, oh whata happy family. Cards, candy, dinner, kids, movie, blah blah blah. But its fake, all fake as I can see. If you. can be so nice now, so thoughtful now, so concerned now. Why couldn't you do this months ago? Why did we have to get to this point (here comes Waffle )....if i ask I insite a spat or im starting stuff. Mom death has so much to do with this because its the same type of feeling. Like somebody just died...literally the marriage is dead to me. Not in my heart, but my mind somehow knows it. When someone is on life support..there is still hope. When you can clearly see they've flat lined. You know for certain they are dead. I am not seeing any hope. It looks like hope and acts like hope...but something says this isn't something to be hoped for to me. I could be wrong but I don't see it. For the first time today he said he hopes my move will be whats best to get me ob the path I need to go career wise. Hmmm , something changed quickly, huh ? He and I both know, one of us leaving town will be the only thing that allows us to truly let go. He is ready to let go I think, he's. Just scared to and does not want to hurt me anymore. It's all coming together for me. I've been hanging out some in the Going through divorce or separation section as I need to meet some friends there too. Looks like thats where im heading. Trying to remain positive ;but facts are facts. Reality is slapping me real good today. We've been together since mid teens we're all the other knows. What we share is not what we shared anymore. Sucks but I justhave. to suck it up. He willnever. do mc im sure, so he'll never learn anymore than we're doing now. Maybe his next partner can get him to a place where he can learn some accountability. Im closer and closer...really at the threshhold of filing and putting a stop to this emotional. Madness. If the shoe was on the other foot. Would he have sought out help and support. In hopes of retaining me...i dont think so.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> oh dear WH  it does sound like you are going through a rough time at the moment, from the female perspective of course  Is there not any part of you now that doesn't still love her or do you seriously want to move on? What I suggested to Catch was that she gives it a year and then see if she still feels the same then about moving on
> Just got back from my carvery, it was yummy  My H rang me up when he was out with our son to apologise for snapping at me and then asked how Church was this morning! He texted me later on saying I didn't have any milk, then said jokingly, I dunno no milk no carvery, i've just been on bread and water lol. I called him a meanie for trying to make me feel guilty. I really don't know where his head is at at the mo. He seems friendly enough, but I'm just hoping he's not leading me astray because I don't want to be hurt! I'm still planning ahead as if he's not going to be here though. Me and my friend have decided to take the kids camping in the summer and other things. She's has her problems I know, but we're back on track now I hope



That's great lost , good for you.
he might be thinking of keeping it good for the kids , might want somem ORRRR, maybe he's missing you and he's new lifes sh1t , we'll know better when we get a bit more.

Yeah I do still love her but what can I do .
Your right though , a year or a bit further a long. I hurt her a lot and we were both a mess too so, if at all she will need time but my door will mentally be ajar until life says otherwise - someone new whatever i guess .
meantime I'm going on with my plans , see what happens.
But , new strategy . In my thread about everything that happened, everybody said they couldn't blame her and that I would need to go to her , not really a 180 situation thing.
This I have wrestled with right through . Although in many ways I think they were right despite what she's done. So , at this stage I've decided to meet it 1/2 way. I have to start thinking about my end now , the future, being this far now I don't really have a choice but - as I come and go for my daughter and stuff from here on and going on with my life i'm also gonna be dropping of lots of love deposits a long the way. Have you read about those ?
I'll be doing my thing but leaving love deposits too  , time and her will tell the rest I guess in whatever form life decides to shape into from there.
Mind you , yep I'd prefer they were the other kind of deposits  , but no way I'm going there unless this other fks out of her life and then some .

There ya go , todays revelation but , who knows what I'll get tomorrow !


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> The H is acting really funny since I constantly am refusing his advances. Its scary , not knowing what he's thinking. That's the main reason I must continue to just move forward. I don't know why but it saddens me to see him sad. Gotta be strong though and not fall for these puppy dog eyes. See no one knows when this stuff will be over. Makes me sick just thinking about how long it could drag out. ..He so far has cooked me. Breakfast and told me how great of a mom I am; but today I also sense a great urge to push him away... i surely don't understand all these feelings I'm having....ugggh one of those days i guess.



Can't you make him spit the fk out whatever is in his head - apart from wanting some relief that is . That part we do get


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Aww im sorry it wasn't as pleasant
> n experience as you would have liked it to have been. As far as your place with her, i think she is scared to admit that there still is a place for you with her. She sounds a bit still in the fog to me. The stuff we go through in the name of love and family. ..smh. It makes you want to just give up to stop the pain. Then second guess yourself as to are you giving up too early. I wish it would have been a different outcome for you White Hawk. I do understand looking forward to new aspects of life. That's where i'm teetering back and forth from.


Yeah you might be right catch . Personally I'm thinking she's about 1/2 way there .
She watches me and my d messing round , laughing and playing a lot to , pretty sure she feels like she's missing out a bit. checks me out a lot too .

But na , I wouldn't go on closed to us , I'd just sort of go on if that makes sense.
I have to start thinking like that to cope and move a long from thjis but as I was saying to lost.
My door will be slightly open for awhile yet unless life takes me somewhere else.
Your right , she would need more time I think for sure so who knows I guess .
Mothers day was fine , me and d had a ball as usual and x was cool too , it just makes me sick being there. Like apart frtom that there wasn't really any problem , just those yuk feelings.


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## lostwithouthim

You say he will never do MC but have you asked him? The other thing I've read is that if he never sorted out the issues with your marriage, then his next marriage will fall into the same pattern.
I understand that you want to get off this roller coaster. Are you not considering the "give him a year"?
If your mind is made up, which it sounds like it is, then before you leave him you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Tell him how he's made you feel, tell him that he won't change and there is no future with someone who won't change. If he says he will change, then invite him to go to MC with you. MC is not just about couples who want to get back together, it can also put closure to your marriage as well.
Best of luck for the future  Stay in touch


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Can't you make him spit the fk out whatever is in his head - apart from wanting some relief that is . That part we do get


If only it was that simple. He guards it with the jaws oflife . Always has. We talk about everything but us. Good laughs and conversations. ..about anything but matters of the heart


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> You say he will never do MC but have you asked him? The other thing I've read is that if he never sorted out the issues with your marriage, then his next marriage will fall into the same pattern.
> I understand that you want to get off this roller coaster. Are you not considering the "give him a year"?
> If your mind is made up, which it sounds like it is, then before you leave him you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Tell him how he's made you feel, tell him that he won't change and there is no future with someone who won't change. If he says he will change, then invite him to go to MC with you. MC is not just about couples who want to get back together, it can also put closure to your marriage as well.
> Best of luck for the future  Stay in touch


That's the biggest part of the problem Lost, I will have to see the H make some effort to want to make things better. Before when things have gotten rough with us i'm always the one to have to find ways to workout our differences . Two years ago I. Made it known that I think we need mc. He said that he is not going in there telling them folks all his business. On top of how he already is... so i know he won't. 
Also you have to remember, really there is nothing to leave. He is the one that moved out on me. 
So a combination of all the stressors we've come through, it's just taken a toll on the marriage and us individually as well. At this point Ive wrestled back and forth with whether or not to do a heart to heart, as that may be interpreted as me asking for a R. 

From my analysis, I don't think he wants this at all. I think he is scared to just let go
Now the year yeah, that is doable. As im leaving town soon so that will allow for the space we need. It'll be easy to keep my mind off the marriage as ill be so busy getting acclimated with my move. So if after a year , if there is significant effort, then it'll be even better evaluated. Honestly though once I do move im planning on going back NC only communicate for the kids sake.


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## lostwithouthim

Just a quick reply as I'm at college and I'm on my phone. I'll reply to both of you when I get home and on my pc. I am very interested in hearing more about these love deposits WH. Have you got a link? I agree about meeting them halfway. You may be right about him doing this for my son, only time will tell. Got to go, back to lessons!! Have a nice day and talk soon 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

So last evening i get this long spill on how I'm his best friend. Whoop dee doo, can you imagine that. I was thinking i would sure hate to be your enemy is this is what being your best friend feels like. Then he went on to say how if I get in another relationship down the road that that man will have to understand our bond. I never once replied, i just looked at him. He is nuts if he thinks I'd jeopardize something good for a friendship with him down the road. This goof is on some type of ego trip or something. From one extreme to the next is where he is. Sighs.....I think after all he has sent me through over the years, the arguing, his mean streak, and so on. He is waiting for me to do something comparable to his contribution to the decline of this marriage. Like tit for tat or something. Just journaling here you guys...as i try to give myself some form of closure. I think i need to request this thread to be in another group, as this no longer seems like a shot at a R.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> That's great lost , good for you.
> he might be thinking of keeping it good for the kids , might want somem ORRRR, maybe he's missing you and he's new lifes sh1t , we'll know better when we get a bit more.
> 
> Yeah I do still love her but what can I do .
> Your right though , a year or a bit further a long. I hurt her a lot and we were both a mess too so, if at all she will need time but my door will mentally be ajar until life says otherwise - someone new whatever i guess .
> meantime I'm going on with my plans , see what happens.
> But , new strategy . In my thread about everything that happened, everybody said they couldn't blame her and that I would need to go to her , not really a 180 situation thing.
> This I have wrestled with right through . Although in many ways I think they were right despite what she's done. So , at this stage I've decided to meet it 1/2 way. I have to start thinking about my end now , the future, being this far now I don't really have a choice but - as I come and go for my daughter and stuff from here on and going on with my life i'm also gonna be dropping of lots of love deposits a long the way. Have you read about those ?
> I'll be doing my thing but leaving love deposits too  , time and her will tell the rest I guess in whatever form life decides to shape into from there.
> Mind you , yep I'd prefer they were the other kind of deposits  , but no way I'm going there unless this other fks out of her life and then some .
> 
> There ya go , todays revelation but , who knows what I'll get tomorrow !


:iagree:

I think that's why i value your opinion so. You actually can acknowledge that you did things that affected the situation at hand. I wanna know about love deposits too. Not for now but for future endeavours.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> So last evening i get this long spill on how I'm his best friend. Whoop dee doo, can you imagine that. I was thinking i would sure hate to be your enemy is this is what being your best friend feels like. Then he went on to say how if I get in another relationship down the road that that man will have to understand our bond.
> 
> Well , I'm glad you put him on that diet Catch because it's a way to know if what he's doing is for something real or just some friend/ benefits thing . But that sh1t above seems from what he said there , that he's viewing you guys as friends right now and that you'll both be moving on.
> Sounds like he's not hanging round in a getting back together sense but more some friend thing. He's daily meal / look after you type thing in he's eyes.
> But hey , could be wrong but to me that's how it sounds.
> Not to say maybe later on once he's had a taste of the other side , he actually misses you guys and does actually want it back .


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I think that's why i value your opinion so. You actually can acknowledge that you did things that affected the situation at hand. I wanna know about love deposits too. Not for now but for future endeavours.



Ah thanks Catch but hu , I wish I did only do things but unfortunately I did monumental ! Still , can't undo I guess - work with what we've got and all that crap


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## whitehawk

PS. Sorry guys but I just stumbled over that love deposit thing written by some doctor . I didn't save it though so try a google , sure it'd come up somewhere.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> So last evening i get this long spill on how I'm his best friend. Whoop dee doo, can you imagine that. I was thinking i would sure hate to be your enemy is this is what being your best friend feels like. Then he went on to say how if I get in another relationship down the road that that man will have to understand our bond. I never once replied, i just looked at him. He is nuts if he thinks I'd jeopardize something good for a friendship with him down the road. This goof is on some type of ego trip or something. From one extreme to the next is where he is. Sighs.....I think after all he has sent me through over the years, the arguing, his mean streak, and so on. He is waiting for me to do something comparable to his contribution to the decline of this marriage. Like tit for tat or something. Just journaling here you guys...as i try to give myself some form of closure. I think i need to request this thread to be in another group, as this no longer seems like a shot at a R.


I can't believe that your husband said that about the bond between you. When I read this earlier, I just sat there with my mouth open! No wonder you're confused Catch, I would be as well!! I wouldn't move this thread as I think you don't know what you want at the moment Catch. One minute you're saying oh yes I'll give him a year and the next you are saying I don't care about him anymore. I know it drives me up the wall as well!! More about that later


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Yeah you might be right catch . Personally I'm thinking she's about 1/2 way there .
> She watches me and my d messing round , laughing and playing a lot to , pretty sure she feels like she's missing out a bit. checks me out a lot too .
> 
> But na , I wouldn't go on closed to us , I'd just sort of go on if that makes sense.
> I have to start thinking like that to cope and move a long from thjis but as I was saying to lost.
> My door will be slightly open for awhile yet unless life takes me somewhere else.
> Your right , she would need more time I think for sure so who knows I guess .
> Mothers day was fine , me and d had a ball as usual and x was cool too , it just makes me sick being there. Like apart frtom that there wasn't really any problem , just those yuk feelings.


It must be horrible to have to go to her place. It'll be different if it was the family home, but to go to her place where everything in it is hers and it's her home that she set up well--- I don't blame you for not wanting to go there!
I will do a search for these love deposits you're on about WH. Have you used them and do they work?


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## lostwithouthim

Did a search on love deposits and the nearest I could find was this - A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
They are called love bank deposits and what the doc says makes sense. If we look at love like a bank accounts, any hate remarks etc. will withdraw the love from the bank, but any emotional needs will put the love back into the bank and may cause your spouse and you to fall in love again.
I've just got off the phone from my H. Had a bit of an awkward moment when he said my back feels better now so I won't be needing anymore massages from you. I replied, that's good. He said what good that my back is better or good that you don't have to give me any massages. I replied both. I said that it's not because I don't like giving H massages but I'm getting mixed messages off him. He didn't know what I meant, so I tried to explain but I didn't explain myself very well as I didn't want to hear the reply. He said he knows he's irresistible, jokingly. I said he'll always be irresistible to me. I think I heard him say awww to that, but I'm not certain! So it looks like a massage may be on the cards again this week  I think that's the biggest love deposit I can give, anymore and I'll be breaking everything I believe in - ie. no sex if we're apart. Actually what I should've said was I got turned on when I gave him a massage and it leaves me frustrated but I'm drawing the line at going all the way with him! Do you think a massage is a love deposit or is it more like a lust deposit? I suppose whatever it is, it's still a positive deposit! Looking forward to hearing your take on this


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> catch22gofigure said:
> 
> 
> 
> So last evening i get this long spill on how I'm his best friend. Whoop dee doo, can you imagine that. I was thinking i would sure hate to be your enemy is this is what being your best friend feels like. Then he went on to say how if I get in another relationship down the road that that man will have to understand our bond.
> 
> Well , I'm glad you put him on that diet Catch because it's a way to know if what he's doing is for something real or just some friend/ benefits thing . But that sh1t above seems from what he said there , that he's viewing you guys as friends right now and that you'll both be moving on.
> Sounds like he's not hanging round in a getting back together sense but more some friend thing. He's daily meal / look after you type thing in he's eyes.
> But hey , could be wrong but to me that's how it sounds.
> Not to say maybe later on once he's had a taste of the other side , he actually misses you guys and does actually want it back .
> 
> 
> 
> Yep so glad you noticed it too. That's why I'm so glad that I did not let myself get lured in head over heels expecting more. That would've really been a bummer
Click to expand...


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Ah thanks Catch but hu , I wish I did only do things but unfortunately I did monumental ! Still , can't undo I guess - work with what we've got and all that crap


Well sooner or later this ride will have to stop for us and when it does I'm just praying it puts us in happy happy land somewhere. Where all this stuff will seem so minimal to us. I haven't given up on love, just love with him.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I can't believe that your husband said that about the bond between you. When I read this earlier, I just sat there with my mouth open! No wonder you're confused Catch, I would be as well!! I wouldn't move this thread as I think you don't know what you want at the moment Catch. One minute you're saying oh yes I'll give him a year and the next you are saying I don't care about him anymore. I know it drives me up the wall as well!! More about that later


No i never said that I don't care. What I said was that I am not gonna feed into his Mr.nice guy routine. Protecting my heart at all costs. If I follow by the full 180 keeping hopes of a R only to find a year or so later that things really will never be changing with him on the inside. Then when reality hits im screwed back to this same place again. I'drather deal with it now and anything else is a plus, if indeed later a R doea happen. 19 years...??? I think we've wasted enough time already. Im torn, broken, you name it. No one person can continue making me wait on them to decide if im worthy of their change. Its just not reality for me to do that. I've progressed to this point. Since starting this thread i think.
I love this man to the core of me. Him his family are all I really have and it's been that way for years. Maybe he wants and needs to experience other relationships idk what the deal is but we've been together since being teens. If we haven't gotten it together by now, whose to say we ever will ya know. I do hope he realizes though that once I leave. Im literally looking to start my life brand new minus my kids. After that year is uo...(which we have but 7 months left on that ) i know emotionally the connection to him after me going NC will be non existent other than the kids and I can arrange a mediator for that. We do have an adult daughter as well. I see myself in one year with new friends , a new job, and possibly even a new prospect of a boyfriend. Im a very attractive girl so getting the attraction from men won't be the problem ; just making sure I do their interview correctly is my only obstacle: )


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## catch22gofigure

I think its a great love deposit and for your situation can be explained as an act of just kindness, kinda like the cylinder you needed help with. These things can be tricky. ..lol great job keeping it together Lost


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## lostwithouthim

I think we've all change from the start of this thread  I know I was more needy then, didn't actually tell him as much but desperately wanted him back. Now I know it's just a waiting game. I've not gone NC on him because that's when he distances himself from me, but I only ring him up if I need him not just for a chat. I went to college early this morning so I didn't get to see him and I'll be at college early again later in the week. He did say he'll probably see me later in the week, when normally he's not there when I get home 
Good job I asked him to do the cylinder, it was blocked and that's why I couldn't open it!
What you are saying is that you want your life and not wait for him anymore? My life coach is sorta telling me the same thing, to get on with my life and stop hanging around for him. I tell her I'm not! I've got future plans that don't really involved him, but if he happens to want a R then well plans can be changed can't they  I'm certainly not wasting my life waiting to see what he does next, if it happens, it happens.
You're probably right when you say that he is not telling anyone anything at the mo. I spoke to his mum on the phone and she mentioned that I should tell my mum. I just said that I didn't want grief from my parents at the mo and left it at that! H is probably testing the water atm or maybe not, who knows! No-one but him! I just have to keep reminding myself, slow and steady wins the race and keep the faith and have patience, patience and more patience!


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## catch22gofigure

Right, I have faith...just not hope. I believe there is a huge difference. Faith is the evidence of things hoped for but yet not seen. I have my faith that God will make sure that I have the desires of my heart if I do things according to his will. If being with this man is out of the will of God. Then maybe that's why he allowed him to remove himself. If he is to be here he'll bring him back. I won't have to do a single thing but seek ye first the kingdom of God. That is what I keep forgetting to do. I keep trying to fix things myself instead of letting go and letting God. 
I have been doing one thing right I guess. I NEVER call or text him . He is always the one initiating contact. Its been that way for months now. He is still making sexual advances at me; but im still denying access. He asked this morning, do I gross you out that bad that you no longer want to be with me. I just simply said no. He then went to shower and come in here naked saying. .why you looking at my piece (in a joking way ) i simply said honey your piece is the farthest thing away from my mind. He says (with a puzzled look ) i said uhhh why should it be. We're best friends, i shouldn't look at you like that . He got the heck outta here with the foolishness. Now im just at his apt waiting to drive him to work as his vehicle is in the shop. That's what best friends do right ?...lol 
And yes we all have changed since the start of this thread. We're learning and growing I guess. Its all new to me. Only boyfriend ever only marriage. ..this breakup stuff I had to get the grasp of.


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## lostwithouthim

I agree with you Catch  I keep forgetting to let go and let God. I suppose that's what I meant by having faith and patience. God keeps saying have patience and I'm trying! I really am! lol.
What I've been doing is carrying on with my life and then when I say my prayers just before I go to sleep I ask God to give me patience, faith that he will do what's right for me and then say "I'll leave it with you Lord". I still ask God to look after the family and protect us, after all he is still my H.
This breakup thing isn't new to me, but it's a different situation this time around. The first time, as i've said before, it was easier to let him go as he was with the OW.
Funny you should say that he said do I gross you out that much that you don't want to be with me. I said a similar thing on the phone to my H last week when I was having a rant at him. I love the fact that you've been referring yourself as a best friend to him, lol. That's one to put in the memory bank for future ref  Keep up the good work


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## catch22gofigure

Hey , that's the title he gave me last evening, best friend. To everyone else he still refers ti me as wife ..but last evening he told me im his best friend. Im just letting him take the lead...lol i have to tell ya though he is not liking this at all. He said today guess i'm back to punishment with you like it was when we were living together. Uhhh oh well is what I thought. Apparently that's what he wanted, right? I told him look you said i was your best friend and I agree we are now. But i don't have one single best friend that ive had sex with and im not gonna start now. He was silent the rest of the 30 min. Commute to work. Then called me with some general talk as I got him to work to early and talked to me about cars until it was time for him to clock in.


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## lostwithouthim

Talked to you about cars? What a thrilling subject! lol. Well I suppose that's what you talk to your best friend about  You should remind him occasionally that he's the one that left you and if he wants that intimacy with you again then the ball is in his court  I know how hard it is to talk to them though, as I found out earlier  Hopefully it will give them food for thought! Oh and you should also keep reminding him that you're moving out soon, so he better decide whether he wants a best friend or a wife! lol I know, easier said than done


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Talked to you about cars? What a thrilling subject! lol. Well I suppose that's what you talk to your best friend about  You should remind him occasionally that he's the one that left you and if he wants that intimacy with you again then the ball is in his court  I know how hard it is to talk to them though, as I found out earlier  Hopefully it will give them food for thought! Oh and you should also keep reminding him that you're moving out soon, so he better decide whether he wants a best friend or a wife! lol I know, easier said than done


Yep i plan on reminding him this evening that he's the one initiated all this. It can change but only if he does. He seems so hurt by my best friend responses. I finally initiated a text today though. ..here is what i sent along with a message saying he is appreciated








He called in his break...but no mention of that text that i know he got.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I think we've all change from the start of this thread  I know I was more needy then, didn't actually tell him as much but desperately wanted him back. Now I know it's just a waiting game. I've not gone NC on him because that's when he distances himself from me, but I only ring him up if I need him not just for a chat. I went to college early this morning so I didn't get to see him and I'll be at college early again later in the week. He did say he'll probably see me later in the week, when normally he's not there when I get home
> Good job I asked him to do the cylinder, it was blocked and that's why I couldn't open it!
> What you are saying is that you want your life and not wait for him anymore? My life coach is sorta telling me the same thing, to get on with my life and stop hanging around for him. I tell her I'm not! I've got future plans that don't really involved him, but if he happens to want a R then well plans can be changed can't they  I'm certainly not wasting my life waiting to see what he does next, if it happens, it happens.
> You're probably right when you say that he is not telling anyone anything at the mo. I spoke to his mum on the phone and she mentioned that I should tell my mum. I just said that I didn't want grief from my parents at the mo and left it at that! H is probably testing the water atm or maybe not, who knows! No-one but him! I just have to keep reminding myself, slow and steady wins the race and keep the faith and have patience, patience and more patience!



Yeah on that waiting thing , that's what I have to do. My x is so hard to read when her walls up , so mixed messages , you can only try to read between the lines with her at times like that that's really all you have. 
So to be honest , I really have no clue whether she's starting to waver or what's in her head , as I get more I'm running them past you guys and taking it from there but in the meantime/ 7mths, she's done all this , not sure what's going on with om , I've got no choice but to think of me too from here.
But in that way I'm sorta lucky. Because if I can sell the house , my d and I have both chosen where I should move to. She loves the idea and I do to and it's still close enough to see lots of her but be completely away and out of x's new life if it goes that way because if we didn't get back then I don't wanna be around her new bs..
But the thing is , where we've decided I'll probably move to , would tempt x even more , she'd love it up there .
I know to that if I moved up there and got reestablished , did all the hard restarting up stuff , that'd make it even more tempting to her because she's literally worn out right now , exhausted . She couldn't do a reestablish herself , just too tired. But if mine is all ready and waiting , that'll be all the more tempting for her.
But the other thing is , it's a brilliant new start for me alone to if it goes that way. Lots of lovely girls up there , place is crawly with them , much bigger town , has everything I want , still close to my d .
So either way , for me it'd be ideal from both sides of the coin.
Just gotta sell this place. Dunno how that'll go , the agent contract goes another 2 mths yet.
I'm thinking though if it doesn't sell in that time I might take it of the market and do a few mths more work on it for a better price and try again then which would set me up much much better anyway if it sold at a better price.
Trouble is though , there's absolutely no life around here , I don't fit in with the locals . The girl talent is almost zero , plus it literally haunts me of all our old family stuff , then x's new life only 10 mins away and every fk'er knowing about it , so I would rather just be outa here but , gotta work with what we've got I spose.


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## catch22gofigure

White Hawk you and I are totally in the same situation with this one ! Where im moving to is modern, crawling with men of ALL nationalities, for once in my life i'd be living in a metro area. This place here and all the people in it reminds me of us. It would take me dexades to get over him. EVERYBODY here knows us and wants and thinks we should work it out so should I meet and befriend someone dating wise he'd catch pure hell from the locals. My friend base, former colleagues and all adore my H and I. It would be pure hell and not fair to whomever I choose. That's not top of the list on my agenda...but uhh without a R , ya dang skippy this chicks gonna hit up the dating scene.
The home house needs some work..but I dont have to sell. My adult child is gonna move in after I move out. May be a few months before she does, but thats the plan so far. 
So we'll both have to see how this pans out for us White Hawk. Honestly, I think well do just fine. Does anyone follow the whole astrology thing ? I don't but had a friend to tell me to just give it a look even if just for entertainment. My mouth dropped open when I read mine and my H ...not prediction ;but the type of people we are due to our zodiac sign. ..scared me it was so accurate.
I have no clue with the H either and choosing to not give it too much more thought. Like you said the door is slightly ajar..but after about 6 more months and season changes. ..don't be surprised if a strong chocolate wind blows through and slams it shut. Its not my fault. I tried to have a H to take a deeper look at why the door was only ajar and not completely open. But...too bad so sad the H left and forgot his way home.


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## catch22gofigure

Lost ??!! Where are you ?? Somebody has been M.I.A a bit here lately, which is GREAT !!means your getting out and getting it done: ) just thought i'd pick on ya a bit here.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Did a search on love deposits and the nearest I could find was this - A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
> They are called love bank deposits and what the doc says makes sense. If we look at love like a bank accounts, any hate remarks etc. will withdraw the love from the bank, but any emotional needs will put the love back into the bank and may cause your spouse and you to fall in love again.
> I've just got off the phone from my H. Had a bit of an awkward moment when he said my back feels better now so I won't be needing anymore massages from you. I replied, that's good. He said what good that my back is better or good that you don't have to give me any massages. I replied both. I said that it's not because I don't like giving H massages but I'm getting mixed messages off him. He didn't know what I meant, so I tried to explain but I didn't explain myself very well as I didn't want to hear the reply. He said he knows he's irresistible, jokingly. I said he'll always be irresistible to me. I think I heard him say awww to that, but I'm not certain! So it looks like a massage may be on the cards again this week  I think that's the biggest love deposit I can give, anymore and I'll be breaking everything I believe in - ie. no sex if we're apart. Actually what I should've said was I got turned on when I gave him a massage and it leaves me frustrated but I'm drawing the line at going all the way with him! Do you think a massage is a love deposit or is it more like a lust deposit? I suppose whatever it is, it's still a positive deposit! Looking forward to hearing your take on this



Yep that's the one. After reading it I do know I sure could have made a lot more than what I was doing but I also could have done with a few myself because the lack of was basically what sent me adrift in the first place.
I think women and men need to read this stuff.

ps , yeah it's fkg terrible having to go there lost . But how the hell could I ever tell my daughter I can't go to her main home so, I suck it up.
Anyway it is a way of having a peak and suss out of x to so until I know which way I'm going, on the bright side that's handy.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I think we've all change from the start of this thread  H is probably testing the water atm or maybe not, who knows! No-one but him! I just have to keep reminding myself, slow and steady wins the race and keep the faith and have patience, patience and more patience!


Lost couldn't agree more . It takes time for people to realized they f'd up , miss us if they're going to, get their sh1t back into perspective but just as importanyly it takes time for our heads to clear , pain , and to workout exactly how we feel about all this too , what they've done.
Personally , I think time is crucial in this stuff and just as much for us as anything so that we get through the fazes first rather than just jumping back into that fire.


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## lostwithouthim

Catch, don't forget when you sent that "lost where r u?" Message, it was 3am for me lol. I was tucked up asleep in bed  don't forget to add on 5 hours for me  I don't blame you guys for wanting a fresh start, I did the first time round. I did end up moving, but we all moved together  I don't want to move this time because I've really settled here, I've got all my friends here, my church is 15 mins walk from here and the house is in a lovely location overlooking the fields  btw catch I didn't get your text, but maybe that's because I'm on my phone and not on the pc. Limited website on my phone u see  
Off to college in a bit whilst you are both still tucked up in bed, lol. See you guys on here soon 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Oh yeaaahhhh, the time thing I keep forgetting about. Silly...sighs..


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## catch22gofigure

Well he is seeming quite angry and disgusted with me for withholding sex. Guess this means we're about to gp down argument path. I sooo did not want it to end up this way, but O know him and can smell it brewing. Gosh this is hard, but I have to do it. I don't get why he is so upset about sex ? I don't think this is gonna be my best friend for long you guys. I'll keep ya posted.


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## whitehawk

Oh no  no offense Catch but didn't the twit move out on you , fk him ?

Well , here's one for you two.
I'm on the phone to x about this fkg mess she's left us and especially me in. Started of I needed to work out this mths payments because my next pays gonna be late. But hey , those are only a fraction of out crap but anyway.
One thing led to another and the next minute my mouth has come out with--
"Why the fk didn't you fkg talk to me babe. You were married , your suppose to at least complain for a year or two and give things a chance. You said fkg nothing , you didn't even fkg tell me about the health stuff and depression until you give me the sep letter. "
Her , " Don't worry I know I know , I can't fkg believe I didn't "
Me - " Babe it was a marriage , your family, our beautiful girl and you don't even mention what your going through instead this - do you fkg realize yet what all this has done to D and me and then everything you and I worked for , the position it's left me in , all our sh1t . We could very easily lose everything you know and then the last five yrs that did this to us was for nothiN but even worse now d doesn't grow up with a family "
Her , " I know I know , I feel like a total fool , about everything ! "
Me , " babe you didn't even give us a chance to fix it "
Her " I know I know , I've totally fkd our lives "

I wasn't yelling it or even cursing it , it was just in a soft tone of bewilderment that just slip out.
Then I changed the subject and back to sort our finances and then I thought better get off - can you put D on for me!

But her tone was really strange through that, sad , confused , teary, as if she'd thought about it all over and over and over. 
I just don't know but I'm glad it happened , the **** I've gone through from all this , then my D . The mess our lives are in , everything we worked for . Ha , least I kept my cool.


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## catch22gofigure

Right ! He did move out on me. They are so blame stupid that they begin I believe to believe their own twisted realities. This morning I get the you're not leaving town on me your my f***ing wife ! I held my mule as long as I could then lost it. 
Dear God forgive me but ive called this man all kinds of son of a b*****s, told him I pray to God that he knew what he was wanting because im gone ! i told him the reason im denying him sex all of a sudden now is that I've come to full agreement that the marriage without professional help is pretty much dead. I told him that I am now preparing my mind and body for the fabulous future that lies ahead for me without him. Since my flaws and quirks are beyond unbearable then enjoy a nice life without them. I began to rant and remind about many of the situations where he had no one but me,how when he was broke and busted that I carried the family as he has done lately, with no resentment and pride for being able toddo so. I reminded him of the many large obstacles ive faced since childhood and that there are not many women alive who could walk a meter in my shoes and not faint or give up. Yet I still hold my head high and smile. I went on and on and he said I love you . I said this my friend is not love and better yet I don't even want to be friends with someone who is so easy to exit my life. I need a stand by me type friend. I told him Thanks for letting me go so that I can now prepare myself and my life for that one who will stand by me unconditionally, who will pick me up when im down not stomp me after I've fallen, for that one who is intimate with me out of passion (oh this really struck a nerve ) he said you wouldn't dare. I said Dare me , why not ? Im free right ? You are showing me no signs of wanting to make this right again. He said what do you think ive been doing ? I said having your cake and eating it too. He then says you just don't know how much I love you. I said I sure don't because you are not man enough to know how to tell. Me. Then the phone rang ,his mom was calling, I grabbed my keys and left. He's now calling me repeatedly, I refuse


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## catch22gofigure

To answer right now. He stirred up a hornets nest. I did text and say I will answer you when I feel like talking. Now you know how it feels to want to hear someones take and feelings on a situation ;but cant. He text back saying, answer the phone, i replied later, not now. He said understandable , ill talk to you then.


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## catch22gofigure

I know I broke all i've learned this whole run. Just guess I had to get it out. Oh yeah I have a job interview in two weeks! !!! In the city im moving too !! This is what prompted all this I believe. Reality is setting in that im really leaving. I guess he thought it was a scare tactic or something. No sweetie. .. im moving on , with or without ya


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Oh no  no offense Catch but didn't the twit move out on you , fk him ?
> 
> Well , here's one for you two.
> I'm on the phone to x about this fkg mess she's left us and especially me in. Started of I needed to work out this mths payments because my next pays gonna be late. But hey , those are only a fraction of out crap but anyway.
> One thing led to another and the next minute my mouth has come out with--
> "Why the fk didn't you fkg talk to me babe. You were married , your suppose to at least complain for a year or two and give things a chance. You said fkg nothing , you didn't even fkg tell me about the health stuff and depression until you give me the sep letter. "
> Her , " Don't worry I know I know , I can't fkg believe I didn't "
> Me - " Babe it was a marriage , your family, our beautiful girl and you don't even mention what your going through instead this - do you fkg realize yet what all this has done to D and me and then everything you and I worked for , the position it's left me in , all our sh1t . We could very easily lose everything you know and then the last five yrs that did this to us was for nothiN but even worse now d doesn't grow up with a family "
> Her , " I know I know , I feel like a total fool , about everything ! "
> Me , " babe you didn't even give us a chance to fix it "
> Her " I know I know , I've totally fkd our lives "
> 
> I wasn't yelling it or even cursing it , it was just in a soft tone of bewilderment that just slip out.
> Then I changed the subject and back to sort our finances and then I thought better get off - can you put D on for me!
> 
> But her tone was really strange through that, sad , confused , teary, as if she'd thought about it all over and over and over.
> I just don't know but I'm glad it happened , the **** I've gone through from all this , then my D . The mess our lives are in , everything we worked for . Ha , least I kept my cool.


I honestly think she is slowly wearing down. She knows sge f****d up, now she has to get to a place where she can own it. She knows her actions are forever etched in your mind, your D's mind, the family's minds...and its hard to own that load. Have you told her you forgive her ? Nothing in the convo about a R, just a simple, I've forgiven you. It was hard; but i've forgiven you. I haven't forgotten ;but ive forgiven you...
She seems right on the brink to me...knowing what's the right thing to do;yet scared to just do it.

Trust and believe she HAS definitely had to think about this over and over. You just don't up and leave your family, with no survivors guilt. They thinking and feeling something behind this....what it is they are thinking and feeling is what's the mystery to us coaster riders and limbo danglers.


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Oh no  no offense Catch but didn't the twit move out on you , fk him ?
> 
> Well , here's one for you two.
> I'm on the phone to x about this fkg mess she's left us and especially me in. Started of I needed to work out this mths payments because my next pays gonna be late. But hey , those are only a fraction of out crap but anyway.
> One thing led to another and the next minute my mouth has come out with--
> "Why the fk didn't you fkg talk to me babe. You were married , your suppose to at least complain for a year or two and give things a chance. You said fkg nothing , you didn't even fkg tell me about the health stuff and depression until you give me the sep letter. "
> Her , " Don't worry I know I know , I can't fkg believe I didn't "
> Me - " Babe it was a marriage , your family, our beautiful girl and you don't even mention what your going through instead this - do you fkg realize yet what all this has done to D and me and then everything you and I worked for , the position it's left me in , all our sh1t . We could very easily lose everything you know and then the last five yrs that did this to us was for nothiN but even worse now d doesn't grow up with a family "
> Her , " I know I know , I feel like a total fool , about everything ! "
> Me , " babe you didn't even give us a chance to fix it "
> Her " I know I know , I've totally fkd our lives "
> 
> I wasn't yelling it or even cursing it , it was just in a soft tone of bewilderment that just slip out.
> Then I changed the subject and back to sort our finances and then I thought better get off - can you put D on for me!
> 
> But her tone was really strange through that, sad , confused , teary, as if she'd thought about it all over and over and over.
> I just don't know but I'm glad it happened , the **** I've gone through from all this , then my D . The mess our lives are in , everything we worked for . Ha , least I kept my cool.


That's the sort of thing I would say to my H, but he's not saying I know, I know, he's saying well I tried to talk. Same with my son, as far as he's concerned he's 19, he's an adult and it's not really affecting him! Well yes he is 19 but he's also got autism! A fact that my H seems to forget!
Well done for saying that to her. I supposed the difference between you saying that and me saying that is that I don't keep my cool. It takes guts to say something like that without getting upset or losing your cool


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## catch22gofigure

So it seems we both let off some pressure today. I'm telling ya, we must be married to twins


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I honestly think she is slowly wearing down. She knows sge f****d up, now she has to get to a place where she can own it. She knows her actions are forever etched in your mind, your D's mind, the family's minds...and its hard to own that load. Have you told her you forgive her ? Nothing in the convo about a R, just a simple, I've forgiven you. It was hard; but i've forgiven you. I haven't forgotten ;but ive forgiven you...
> She seems right on the brink to me...knowing what's the right thing to do;yet scared to just do it.


I agree Catch  WH, just leave her now to mull over what you've told her and don't mention it again. Catch, well done to you as well for standing up to your H. Well I've had a rant with him already last week, I'll just leave it at that


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I know I broke all i've learned this whole run. Just guess I had to get it out. Oh yeah I have a job interview in two weeks! !!! In the city im moving too !! This is what prompted all this I believe. Reality is setting in that im really leaving. I guess he thought it was a scare tactic or something. No sweetie. .. im moving on , with or without ya


Well done for getting the interview, Good luck  We'll have to see where this takes you! Leave it in God's hands now. I agree when you said that even though we've all had s##t from our spouses, we need to tell them that we've forgiven them


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## catch22gofigure

I feel sooo much better, I got it all out. Well most of it anyway. I did not remain calm though (smdh ) he kept walking close to me I said bk the f**k up before I knock the cold hell outta ya like I really want to do...im shame;but he backed up. Now I can really leave it to God...or at least pray harder that i truly do. 
Lost , I really appreciate your stage in this right now. If we were all on a rant today, no telling where this thread will go. Somebody gotta have some dang sense because I totally lost mine today...


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## lostwithouthim

Hey you guys, thought I'd give you an update. I saw our retired vicar in town today and filled her in on what's been happening. When I told her that H had moved out, the first thing she said is that he's not a well man is he? Just goes to show that I'm not the only one who's noticed he's depressed. my H is the only one in denial about this, he refuses anti-Ds and counselling as he says he wants to work through this on his own. IMO, I do think he needs some extra help as he'll be going round in circles and he'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel. He seems to have lost his self esteem as well, but that is getting better since he's been working  As I've said before he's not got any spare cash and is prepared to live like that rather than live with his family. Well he made his bed, now he's got to lie in it!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I feel sooo much better, I got it all out. Well most of it anyway. I did not remain calm though (smdh ) he kept walking close to me I said bk the f**k up before I knock the cold hell outta ya like I really want to do...im shame;but he backed up. Now I can really leave it to God...or at least pray harder that i truly do.
> Lost , I really appreciate your stage in this right now. If we were all on a rant today, no telling where this thread will go. Somebody gotta have some dang sense because I totally lost mine today...


I felt better at getting it out and I ignored his phone calls for the rest of the evening as well  That was the time I sent him a text the following day apologising and saying that I didn't want any nastiness between us and can we still be friends for the sake of our son.


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## catch22gofigure

Yeah severe depression is a serious illness. I too refuse meds ( have you watched the commercials and listened to the side affects ?) Im depending on God...but lately God has been whispering. Girl u might oughta get u just a lil help with that. ..lol idk imma keep listening and making sure it's God im hearing. 
If he is not strong enough to fight the depression alone he may need to get some as well. Chemical imbalances are very real. ...see how I lost it today on H. Direct result of depression and stress mixed up. You'll never find the two in a recipe together because they sure enough don't mix well.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yeah severe depression is a serious illness. I too refuse meds ( have you watched the commercials and listened to the side affects ?) Im depending on God...but lately God has been whispering. Girl u might oughta get u just a lil help with that. ..lol idk imma keep listening and making sure it's God im hearing.
> If he is not strong enough to fight the depression alone he may need to get some as well. Chemical imbalances are very real. ...see how I lost it today on H. Direct result of depression and stress mixed up. You'll never find the two in a recipe together because they sure enough don't mix well.


That's the thing Catch, he doesn't want to get help. When he was living with me, I went downhill as well with depression. I've had treatment - meds and counselling. Would be great if he did realise, but he's blamed me for his depression in the past. I haven't seen the adverts for it, we may not get them over here. If possible, could you send me a link please, someone has bound to put it up on youtube!


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## catch22gofigure

Ok I sure will as soon as I get a min. Yes those commercials scare me..lol I just went today and now have a IC appt...I have to stay on top of the depression thing as much as I can or it'll stay on top of you. Im sure he will do 100% better with some help. I feel his pain though. Especially him being a man and all they are usually the worst at admitting something is wrong with them. 
Hopefully soon he'll come to accept that it's ok to get some help.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok I sure will as soon as I get a min. Yes those commercials scare me..lol I just went today and now have a IC appt...I have to stay on top of the depression thing as much as I can or it'll stay on top of you. Im sure he will do 100% better with some help. I feel his pain though. Especially him being a man and all they are usually the worst at admitting something is wrong with them.
> Hopefully soon he'll come to accept that it's ok to get some help.


Thanks Catch  Looks like I'm back on the roller coaster again. Rang him up to arrange what time he was coming round tomorrow and he's distracted on his game! Could only spare me about 5 mins today! Oh well! See what tomorrow brings!


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## NotEZ

Catch, I just read this entire thread and I have to say I'm in nearly the EXACT situation as you. I'm 30, he's 36.. Been together 15 years, 2 kids. He said we are done after an argument (me arguing, him saying NOTHING as usual) last June and moved out. Now, our situation is a little different in that he is sick and has been his whole life. Back in 2010, during one of his hospitalizations, he went into complete kidney failure and had to be transferred hospitals. The hospital didn't even call me. I found out when I took our then 8 and 10 month old daughters to visit and bring him lunch. They hadn't seen him in 3 days because he is heavily drugged for the first while and it scares them. Anyways, we found his room empty, asked the nurse and they said he was transferred to icu. Went there the nurse says he was taken by ambulance to another hospital at 10 that morning (now 3 pm). Still no one told me what happened. I took my kid home and spent all evening on the phone with one hospital telling me he left by ambulance in the morning and the other telling me they were expecting him but he hadn't arrived. Never been so scared in my entire life. Finally I got a call around 9 that night from a surgeon telling me he had gone into kidney failure, that they had to do surgery to insert a tube for dialysis and that he was recovering. Went to see him the next night and he was chained to the bed, had no idea who I was and would flip from yelling at me about tying him up like a dog to crying and begging me not to leave him there. The nurse told me he had so many toxins in him, he is delirious and they tied him up because he is unable to understand what's happening and is trying to rip the tubes out. 

Anyways, that night I called his parents and told them to come because it was serious. They live 2 provinces away and very rarely visit. Anyways, they did. Too make an already long story short, He was well enough 2 days later to bring the girls to see him. We were all there, with his entire family and their best friends family, who my husband considers his aunt & uncle, who still live in town. Now, I'm not overly close with his family for a lot of reasons, mostly their treatment of him. While we are sitting there, his "uncle" starts laughing with hubby about how funny it was that hubby was screaming at the surgeon during the surgery because he thought he was cutting off his penis. I'm sure looking back, that was hilarious... You know what wasn't? His wife sitting at home with two kids frantically searching for her husband while a family member is right there and can't pick up the phone! I excused myself without saying a word about it. Anyways, he ended up remaining in the hospital for about 3 weeks after that. His mom and sister stayed the entire time, for which I was grateful since I'm the only one can work (even prior too), however, I was also upset because he used them being there and not wanting me to miss work as reasons to just not tell me about things that I felt I should be there for... Learning to clean the site, learning what kind of foods he can eat, etc.

When he was first released, he had to go to the hospital for dialysis 3 afternoons a week. The first time he went after being released, I asked him if He wanted me to come. He said no, don't bother. It's boring. I will probably just sleep anyway plus the riders are playing today (my fave team). It hurt me because I was already feeling left out of it all. That night, after the kids went to sleep, I asked him to talk to me. Asked him what he was feeling... His, and our, whole world just changed and he just acted like it was any other day. He said he's fine, it is what it is, whatever. The same way he reacts to everything! I did tell him how hurt and upset I was about how it all went down, his family being there and not calling me, etc. He told me he was sure his uncle didn't mean too, probably just didn't think of it, etc. And that's fine, I could understand that, however, I just wanted to know. He's told me about 50 times since then he'd ask about it or tell them it hurt me, but almost 3 years later, he hasn't. He didn't want anyone to get mad at him or think he was saying something wrong, etc. So I still don't, and never will, know the reason behind the worst night of my life. I know I need to let it go, but its more now that just him asking would have brought me peace and he wouldn't do that. Better to avoid situations is the way he deals with things.

Anyways, over the next couple years I started getting really depressed. Our entire lives changed and he doesn't include me in any of it. Yes, when I need to come home early for his numerous appointments each week (and he does dialysis at home now), I'm included but that's it. If he feels anything about his health situation, I don't know about it because he won't open up about anything. His friends didn't even know anything about it until the day he left and only because he had to take all of his dialysis stuff with him (granted he rarely would go out). I felt alone. Like he shut me out. Like I was good enough to manage everything except him. So I shut down too. Well except for my anger. I was angry with him. I had a hard time just having fun with him because I was just there.

So after he left, I started councilling and went on anti-depressants. Was still extremely angry with him, now more because I revolved my life around his illness and what he needed and then he just walked out leaving me to deal with everything alone. He told me I couldn't handle his illness. Strange words to say to the one person who has been by your bedside for 15 years. Sorry, still angry lol. Anyways, I moved out of the house we had been renting just before Xmas and back in with my parents. That was tough as my mom can be very mean. Lasted until the first week of January when my mom had her first freak out blaming me for world hunger and snow and anything else you could think of. I called hubby and told him I have to leave and asked if he could take the kids for a week or two. He said sure no problem. I went and dropped them off, told him I'd be at my friends house and it would only be a week or two. He asked me to stay there. Stupidly, I did. And I'm still there. The first week was awkward but we quickly got back to "normal". We spend all our time together (though I go out once or twice a week), we watch movies, he cooks for all of us (always has), gives me a massage almost every night. He still wakes me up for work (stupid alarm lol). We did start sleeping together again for about a month or so... I backed that offwhich always asks if I mind if he goes to watch the fight or if he goes for coffee, etc (which he only has twice since we got there) and even came home and brought the kids and I food because he was staying for drinks (he can't drink) after the fight. Everything is exactly the way it was if we were together, except we aren't. He tells me that if I try to talk to him because, heaven forbid, you talk about feelings. It is confusing as all heck. Oh, and he too tells me he loves me... All the time. If I ask him why he still says that, he tells me it's because I do, even if you don't think that. 

I even told hubby nearly the same thing you did when I cut him off... I feel used. Like I'm here so you'll get what you want from me. He said I have no idea how he feels but if I want to think that, he can't stop me. Your right, I have no idea how you feel cause YOU WON'T TELL ME. At this point, I'm about ready to give up too. Sorry for the long hijack lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Welcome to our little group notez and don't worry about the hijack we welcome fresh ideas on what we're going through at the mo  Your story is very sad and resembles Catch's but also resembles mine in a way because you got depressed and went to counselling, etc. It sounds like your H got depressed as well after his illness. Men like to be the breadwinners in the family and if you're going out to work and he isn't then he's probably become resentful. The other way it is similar to my story is that he just told you that he was leaving and moved out without an explanation. Well he might have given you a half hearted explanation, but like me you didn't realise how serious it was until he walked out of the door.
Catch should be on here soon, she has been hoping to meet someone in a similar situation to hers and then you two can have a chat.
We're all here to support each other and we all want our partners back so don't worry about pouring your heart out here  Talk soon


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## catch22gofigure

Ller


NotEZ said:


> Catch, I just read this entire thread and I have to say I'm in nearly the EXACT situation as you. I'm 30, he's 36.. Been together 15 years, 2 kids. He said we are done after an argument (me arguing, him saying NOTHING as usual) last June and moved out. Now, our situation is a little different in that he is sick and has been his whole life. Back in 2010, during one of his hospitalizations, he went into complete kidney failure and had to be transferred hospitals. The hospital didn't even call me. I found out when I took our then 8 and 10 month old daughters to visit and bring him lunch. They hadn't seen him in 3 days because he is heavily drugged for the first while and it scares them. Anyways, we found his room empty, asked the nurse and they said he was transferred to icu. Went there the nurse says he was taken by ambulance to another hospital at 10 that morning (now 3 pm). Still no one told me what happened. I took my kid home and spent all evening on the phone with one hospital telling me he left by ambulance in the morning and the other telling me they were expecting him but he hadn't arrived. Never been so scared in my entire life. Finally I got a call around 9 that night from a surgeon telling me he had gone into kidney failure, that they had to do surgery to insert a tube for dialysis and that he was recovering. Went to see him the next night and he was chained to the bed, had no idea who I was and would flip from yelling at me about tying him up like a dog to crying and begging me not to leave him there. The nurse told me he had so many toxins in him, he is delirious and they tied him up because he is unable to understand what's happening and is trying to rip the tubes out.
> 
> Anyways, that night I called his parents and told them to come because it was serious. They live 2 provinces away and very rarely visit. Anyways, they did. Too make an already long story short, He was well enough 2 days later to bring the girls to see him. We were all there, with his entire family and their best friends family, who my husband considers his aunt & uncle, who still live in town. Now, I'm not overly close with his family for a lot of reasons, mostly their treatment of him. While we are sitting there, his "uncle" starts laughing with hubby about how funny it was that hubby was screaming at the surgeon during the surgery because he thought he was cutting off his penis. I'm sure looking back, that was hilarious... You know what wasn't? His wife sitting at home with two kids frantically searching for her husband while a family member is right there and can't pick up the phone! I excused myself without saying a word about it. Anyways, he ended up remaining in the hospital for about 3 weeks after that. His mom and sister stayed the entire time, for which I was grateful since I'm the only one can work (even prior too), however, I was also upset because he used them being there and not wanting me to miss work as reasons to just not tell me about things that I felt I should be there for... Learning to clean the site, learning what kind of foods he can eat, etc.
> 
> When he was first released, he had to go to the hospital for dialysis 3 afternoons a week. The first time he went after being released, I asked him if He wanted me to come. He said no, don't bother. It's boring. I will probably just sleep anyway plus the riders are playing today (my fave team). It hurt me because I was already feeling left out of it all. That night, after the kids went to sleep, I asked him to talk to me. Asked him what he was feeling... His, and our, whole world just changed and he just acted like it was any other day. He said he's fine, it is what it is, whatever. The same way he reacts to everything! I did tell him how hurt and upset I was about how it all went down, his family being there and not calling me, etc. He told me he was sure his uncle didn't mean too, probably just didn't think of it, etc. And that's fine, I could understand that, however, I just wanted to know. He's told me about 50 times since then he'd ask about it or tell them it hurt me, but almost 3 years later, he hasn't. He didn't want anyone to get mad at him or think he was saying something wrong, etc. So I still don't, and never will, know the reason behind the worst night of my life. I know I need to let it go, but its more now that just him asking would have brought me peace and he wouldn't do that. Better to avoid situations is the way he deals with things.
> 
> Anyways, over the next couple years I started getting really depressed. Our entire lives changed and he doesn't include me in any of it. Yes, when I need to come home early for his numerous appointments each week (and he does dialysis at home now), I'm included but that's it. If he feels anything about his health situation, I don't know about it because he won't open up about anything. His friends didn't even know anything about it until the day he left and only because he had to take all of his dialysis stuff with him (granted he rarely would go out). I felt alone. Like he shut me out. Like I was good enough to manage everything except him. So I shut down too. Well except for my anger. I was angry with him. I had a hard time just having fun with him because I was just there.
> 
> So after he left, I started councilling and went on anti-depressants. Was still extremely angry with him, now more because I revolved my life around his illness and what he needed and then he just walked out leaving me to deal with everything alone. He told me I couldn't handle his illness. Strange words to say to the one person who has been by your bedside for 15 years. Sorry, still angry lol. Anyways, I moved out of the house we had been renting just before Xmas and back in with my parents. That was tough as my mom can be very mean. Lasted until the first week of January when my mom had her first freak out blaming me for world hunger and snow and anything else you could think of. I called hubby and told him I have to leave and asked if he could take the kids for a week or two. He said sure no problem. I went and dropped them off, told him I'd be at my friends house and it would only be a week or two. He asked me to stay there. Stupidly, I did. And I'm still there. The first week was awkward but we quickly got back to "normal". We spend all our time together (though I go out once or twice a week), we watch movies, he cooks for all of us (always has), gives me a massage almost every night. He still wakes me up for work (stupid alarm lol). We did start sleeping together again for about a month or so... I backed that offwhich always asks if I mind if he goes to watch the fight or if he goes for coffee, etc (which he only has twice since we got there) and even came home and brought the kids and I food because he was staying for drinks (he can't drink) after the fight. Everything is exactly the way it was if we were together, except we aren't. He tells me that if I try to talk to him because, heaven forbid, you talk about feelings. It is confusing as all heck. Oh, and he too tells me he loves me... All the time. If I ask him why he still says that, he tells me it's because I do, even if you don't think that.
> 
> I even told hubby nearly the same thing you did when I cut him off... I feel used. Like I'm here so you'll get what you want from me. He said I have no idea how he feels but if I want to think that, he can't stop me. Your right, I have no idea how you feel cause YOU WON'T TELL ME. At this point, I'm about ready to give up too. Sorry for the long hijack lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well hello, nevermind the hijack welcome. That seems to be how the ball bounces around here on this thread. WAH/WAW who don't know how to friggin express themselves. My WAH is about to call and ill be answering for the first time today since I went apes on him earlier. Ill let you all know shortly how this goes. 
This man has gone bonkers if he thinks for one minute imma be patiently waiting on him to communicate. I will if he puts forth more effort. Other than that. Imma really show him that im moving on. He can either get right or get left. Do you think the weakness of dialysis makes him feel less of a man and that's whyhe left. To protect what he thinks is his pride ? Or is this family of his in his ear about you all in a not so friendly manner ?
I've seen illness bring families closer; but ive also seen it tear them apart. Im so sorry you are going through this too.
My H too is trying to get me to move in with him. No sir...that comes with conditions. We are no where near ready for R, though ultimately that's what I want. But im not Malcom X's daughter so its not by any means necessary that ill accept it. And he does notsseem to "get it". He is a rug sweeping cake eater right now....boo. hoo for him. Im shaking out the carpet and using sugar free batter for the cake these days. I have to or else this rollercoaster will never stop. What are you doing as far as changing things for the better for your marriage ?


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ, I can also see after re reading that he may feel like a burden on you. Are there any support groups that you , even if not him could attend? The caregiver job is a heavy one. And kidney caregiving is not a simple task. I've lost several relatives to kidney failure, my prego daughter has a kidney infection right now (ouch ) and I have a sister who suffers with pylonephritis..a kidney disease. She has one kidney as we speak. We almost lost her before it was detected. Thank God right now she does not have to take dialysis. But I know how tedious the task of his caregiver can be. You need a support system. On top of all the other hats we wear as mother and wives. Two jobs that are never done.


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## lostwithouthim

Hey catch just thought I'd say hi before I went to bed, lol. Just in case you think I've gone m.i.a, lol. Hope the conversation goes ok today with H and look forward to hearing what he says now. Like the analogy of a cake eating, rug sweeping man lol. Speak to you tomorrow, night night 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey catch just thought I'd say hi before I went to bed, lol. Just in case you think I've gone m.i.a, lol. Hope the conversation goes ok today with H and look forward to hearing what he says now. Like the analogy of a cake eating, rug sweeping man lol. Speak to you tomorrow, night night
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alright Lost  Sweet Dreams :sleeping:


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## catch22gofigure

And then there was the phone call. So,
Now he says that I should take a more systematic approach to moving to the new city. Very authoritative was his tone as to what sounds more logical to do. Ha ha...wonders never cease to amaze me. Me take advice from someone who has never even done it themselves. He says that no you don't have to take my advice, I just think differently. Well buddy ya got that part right...your thinking is indeed VERY different. He went on and on about things I need to have done to my car before leaving and blah blah. Im thinking, yeah right anything to prolong my stay here. Pssht ! Sorry im sticking to my own plan. A man with such a plan and so many words about everything but the right thing. I politely let him know I will take it into consideration ; but I've thought my plan out pretty much and ill go with that. I own my home here, if it doesn't work; then hey I come back home and try it all over again. No harm no foul. Thank goodness he's at work and it was a break time call, so limited to only a few mins. Can you say saved by the bell !! The next break is a lunch, so wish me luck on round two of todays saga...to be continued


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## NotEZ

Hi girls, 

Thanks for the welcome. Hope you guys don't mind me venting here with you. It's so much when you can talk with people going through the same thing. It's hard for people to understand sometimes.

Lost: Well, when we got into an argument that day, I did tell him if he doesn't want to be here, he can leave. And he did. He had a friend pick him up and then decided he wasn't going to come back. He told me later (a week or so) that neither of us were happy. I couldn't handle his illness and he couldnt handle my depression. I do understand the man/breadwinner thing but he hadnt been able to work for years. Not since his last hip replacement in 2004 so it seems odd that it would come up now

Catch: He told me he felt like a burden when I was depressed. Of course, he never said anything to me about it because he never does. And every time he'd say nothing to me, id feel so completely alone and fall worse into depression. This was during one of few times he's said anything to me regarding us. I have huge guilt about making him feel that way however, at the same time, I needed him too. I needed him to support me sometimes too. It is tough to deal with all this. I was 15 when we first got together and he's been sick the entire time... Granted, it's getting worse. He has sickle cell anemia. At first it was hospitalization for a week or two at a time, 2-3 times a year. As he got older it was more and more. He has numerous specialists who, after a 3 week stint in the hospital (14 days prior to my having our youngest and coming home 7 days after), decided to have him in the hospital for a blood transfusion once a month instead of waiting till he had a crises. 10 months later, he went into kidney failure. I stood by his side the best I could but it wasn't enough. I just don't know where we go from here.

And you are definitely right, do not move in with him. It just makes the limbo worse. I wouldn't have if I knew I'd still be here. I'm trying to get a new place now because this back and forth is difficult emotionally. I often wonder if I, maybe even we, wouldn't be in a much better place if I didn't come live with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> And then there was the phone call. So,
> Now he says that I should take a more systematic approach to moving to the new city. Very authoritative was his tone as to what sounds more logical to do. Ha ha...wonders never cease to amaze me. Me take advice from someone who has never even done it themselves. He says that no you don't have to take my advice, I just think differently. Well buddy ya got that part right...your thinking is indeed VERY different. He went on and on about things I need to have done to my car before leaving and blah blah. Im thinking, yeah right anything to prolong my stay here. Pssht ! Sorry im sticking to my own plan. A man with such a plan and so many words about everything but the right thing. I politely let him know I will take it into consideration ; but I've thought my plan out pretty much and ill go with that. I own my home here, if it doesn't work; then hey I come back home and try it all over again. No harm no foul. Thank goodness he's at work and it was a break time call, so limited to only a few mins. Can you say saved by the bell !! The next break is a lunch, so wish me luck on round two of todays saga...to be continued


Of course he's trying to prolong your stay... He wants you to stay! He just won't say it because then he'll have to live up to your expectations of him and put the effort in too. I think it's very clear throughout your posts that he very much does want to be with you, it's just easier to not do the work. I think he'll come to his senses before you leave, though. Or very shortly after... Then it'll be your turn to decide whether he's offering you enough of himself to come back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotEZ

Sorry missed your question regarding changes I'm making. I started councilling and antidepressants the week he left. That was the first thing I needed to do as I wasn't thinking clearly, even prior to him leaving. I've done a lot of reading... Here especially, but also a lot of self help and relationship books, including love languages which I LOVE. When it comes to changes in our relationship itself, I've been trying to be myself... Because I wasn't when I was depressed. It is very tough though with us living together because when things are great between us, it feels normal... And great. But if I bring something up or we try to discuss anything, he shuts down. I never know if we are really doing well or if we are getting a long because I'm here... If that makes sense. At times it seems like he wants our family to be together and yet sometimes I feel like he's just getting the benefit of having his family here with the added benefit of being able to play the "we aren't together" card when he wants to avoid something. I just don't want to end up the fool. That makes it difficult for me emotionally but I also think for whatever this "relationship" is because my actions waver with my thoughts. I'm all in when he seems genuine but any time he pulls the we aren't together to avoid conversation, I say ok and we live like that. I barely speak to him. That's where we are now and for the last couple days. Nothing but roommates... You don't want to be with me, you get nothing but basic conversation. 

I know, I'm not helping anything by doing that... But I don't know what to do. These are the times I wish I had never come and could be in a better place lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Yikes ! Sickle cell too? Yes our stories are eerily similar, my sister has a sickle cell trait. Not trying to be stereotypical ; but are you all African American as well ? Dont want to be a debbie. downer either but ya think maybe this is a midlife crisis of his. Like hey man im sick as f**k...maybe i need to get the heck outta here for a minute, check out this bucket list, then when I do all that I can feel as if i've accomplished some things in life ? 
Im glad you all can seem to see that my H still wants this marriage. He needs to personally thank you all that im still even in the R realm. My attitude (that im working on ) has just about had enough of his silliness. I keep trying to have in my remembrance that I too suffer with depression and could very well not be thinking rationally, as im currently un medicated or under counsel (thats on the way though) We're also on the same page with that "being the fool " stuff. I just don't think he better let me figure out that's what this is until I get a prescription in my hand...lol No Seriously. ..
I honestly would LOVE to move in with him..but every piece of dirt God used to create this body screams Girl you know good and well thats a disaster waiting to happen. That's why i keep declining. Its a control thing i think for him... its so hard to gauge what to do or not to do. Whats working and whats not when they are so shallow with communicating. My advice here isnt lengthy. Because i dont know what the heck I got going on and sure don't want to tell nobody wrong. But what I do know and am passionate about. I try and share a lil more. 
I told White Hawk I think is x and my h are twin bro and sister, your h must be the triplet of them. Because you are indeed correct, his actions are a LOT like my H's. Im on and off here all day since finding it. So trust unless im really busy or sleep...im here.
Vent all you want, thats what I do. I even go to fussing and venting to him here and he knows nothing about the site im sure. Pkus he's not much of a reader, so even if he stumbled upon this...my thread is so long he'd stop at the first page...lol


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Of course he's trying to prolong your stay... He wants you to stay! He just won't say it because then he'll have to live up to your expectations of him and put the effort in too. I think it's very clear throughout your posts that he very much does want to be with you, it's just easier to not do the work. I think he'll come to his senses before you leave, though. Or very shortly after... Then it'll be your turn to decide whether he's offering you enough of himself to come back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im telling ya, if this man could tap into matters of the heart , put his pride and ego aside, he could single handedly save this marriage. Im being stubborn ( working on that too and researching ) and refusing this time to accept this rug sweeping mess. It ain't enough sex, food, money, or nothing that will move my stance on that issue of the R though. That's my dealbreaker so to speak.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That's the thing Catch, he doesn't want to get help. When he was living with me, I went downhill as well with depression. I've had treatment - meds and counselling. Would be great if he did realise, but he's blamed me for his depression in the past. I haven't seen the adverts for it, we may not get them over here. If possible, could you send me a link please, someone has bound to put it up on youtube!


ABILIFY® (aripiprazole) Anti-Depressant Add-on Treatment - BMS.flv - YouTube
Cymbalta Commercial (real one) - YouTube

Heres two links Lost...just Google antidepressants commercials. When the commercial is just about done...just listen to the side affects....hey you may not be depressed anymore but ya may have itchy eyeballs or some crap. I had a bad reaction one time and it has really messed me up to where im too scared to try much of anything.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks Catch  Looks like I'm back on the roller coaster again. Rang him up to arrange what time he was coming round tomorrow and he's distracted on his game! Could only spare me about 5 mins today! Oh well! See what tomorrow brings!


Hey Lost, gotta give credit where it's due. He's been around a good bit here lately . More than he has since started this thread. Let him rest a little and take it all in....The massage and skirt has him all shook up still...lol. slow and steady remember :smthumbup:


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## whitehawk

Jesus Catch , you didn't break anything . I reckon that was the best thing that could have happened.
You spelt out all the crap , he sounds like he didn't have a clue but hey he has one now and that's exactly what we need.

He has to know that stuff Catch and the fact that your holding your ground , he has to take notice now or he blows it.
Forget the 180 bs , you've been doing it , and all that work will force him to think about everything you said. Great job I reckon .

Tell you , even if he pretends and just goes on as usual , don't you worry that stuff will be in his head. Haven't read the last two pages yet , wonder what happened next !


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## NotEZ

Yup, it's sickle cell. He's got the full blown deal. That what caused his kidney failure, his two hip replacements and countless other problems that has him on 38 pills a day. And yes, he is black, I am not. This is where my issues with his parents came in (over it now, we just aren't close). He is originally from Zambia, though he's been in Canada nearly his entire life (was 13). His dads company paid for him to come to school here for his masters. Hubs and his mom came with them (then he has a sister born here). When we met, hubby was 18 but because he was still in school, he was covered by his dads visa still. At the time, his dad had gotten not 1 but 3 masters degrees and was now working for the university. His parents we're very strict then. He had to do two hours of calculus every night before he was allowed to go out. And his mom would flip out if she picked up the phone when I called. No girls... Click lol. We had been together about a year and a half when he happened to have a crises while we were together. After getting him to the hospital, I called his parents and let them know he was there. She hung up on me. The next day I dropped by to visit him and his parents and the aunt and uncle were there. Hubby was in the bathroom. It was first time I ever met them so it was akward. Said hello and his mom comes up to me and says... Your the girl that calls the house? Dont call my house and get out of here. I left... First meeting, check! 

Anyways, he had apparently come after me but I was already gone. I talked to him later, he apologized for her, it was all good. I just avoided her from then on. Fast forward another year, his dad went to work a couple provinces over and was traveling back and forth. I decided to get an apartment with my twin sister, to try it out (lasted 6 months lol). Anyways, he spent a lot of time there even staying over a couple nights. I had only been out a month when one night his mom called (he'd been with me for 2 days) and said since he insists on spending his time with me, she's moving with his dad. And she did... Just left him here not even a week later. Now keep in mind, while hubs was now 21 and most would say so what, he was still under his dads visa. Had to be in school to stay here, couldn't work, couldn't get a student loan nothing. And they just stopped paying for him totally. Said they couldn't afford it cause they lived in Vancouver and it was too expensive. His student visa expired that summer and there was nothing we could do. He was now here illegally, couldn't work and... Had no health care!! My parents took him in when I moved back with them. He had 3 hospital stays during that time at $1000 a day. My parents covered it all. 

We had our first daughter January 1, 2003. His parents came to meet her for the first time in April of that year (also there first visit period). We were still living with my parents. While awkward and tense, it went relatively well. Until... His dad ran out to the car to grab something. Came in with a huge envelope... Immigration papers. Gave them to me with my parents right there. Told me I should fill them out because I wouldn't want hubs to get sent back. Like they cared when they left 3 years prior. I was sooo mad. Hubs was too, he had no idea. Anyways, we asked them to leave and that was it for me. Didn't talk to them for a long time. I did eventually do it, after we got married. He got his permanent residency in 2006, citizenship in 2009. But I Felt like they abandoned him and that my child was there way out. I've never been close to them since. I do speak to his dad at times but neither his mom nor myself have any use for each other.

Of course, he's never said anything about all that either. His parents did the best they could. He understands they couldn't support him forever, etc. I think if he ever allowed himself to feel anything, them leaving probably hurt him. A lot. 

As for the mid life crises/bucket list thing... I did think of that at first. But he doesn't do anything. When he first got his apartment, he didn't have anything. No furniture, no bed, nothing. He lived like that for over a month before I had a guy from work drop off some furniture I had gotten from our neighbors so the kids could visit. He was still coming tithe house everyday at 7 and staying till I got home from work. He literally did nothing... Still doesn't leave the house much. Almost wish that was it... At least I could understand that. It's so frustrating that he is sitting right across from me right now, could give me all the answers, just can't or won't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Jesus Catch , you didn't break anything . I reckon that was the best thing that could have happened.
> You spelt out all the crap , he sounds like he didn't have a clue but hey he has one now and that's exactly what we need.
> 
> He has to know that stuff Catch and the fact that your holding your ground , he has to take notice now or he blows it.
> Forget the 180 bs , you've been doing it , and all that work will force him to think about everything you said. Great job I reckon .
> 
> Tell you , even if he pretends and just goes on as usual , don't you worry that stuff will be in his head. Haven't read the last two pages yet , wonder what happened next !


I was thinking man I blew it White Hawk is gonna let me have it good when he gets on here...I feel much better now. See I don't have brothers or uncles. So most of this stuff about male psychology is all greek to me. I only know what i've experienced or read...well and whatever Oprahs tried to teach. ..lol
I just am such a realist that first break all i've. Really been wanting to say flew out before I could stop it. Thanks for letting me know I didn't mess up bad. I felt better afterwards, but under my loud mouth and thick skin...i really do love him. If it dont work..itll be because he didn't do all he could. Not me. No regrets is what im aiming for R or not.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree Catch  WH, just leave her now to mull over what you've told her and don't mention it again. Catch, well done to you as well for standing up to your H. Well I've had a rant with him already last week, I'll just leave it at that



Do ya both , sh1t , interesting.

I've been in the middle of rewriting my adios but door will be slightly open letter , apologizing for hurting her and pointing out the main things that were going on with me , the why's and stuff . Don't think I could include a " forgive you " though Catch , not yet. I probably could one day because of how I hurt her and had her thinking it was over anyway - but not yet.

The letter was suppose to be as much for me , a way of sort of moving on , but most importantly , trying to say that I will have to for me but that that doesn't mean I'm closed . Basically that if she starts to sway , I may still be around for awhile yet 
But I also want her to be aware that although I might be still around , life might have other ideas so don't push it .

Like I didn't put things like that but that's what it means.
Basically a rewrite of one from a few wks back.
Think I'm happy with this one but I feel to it might still be a bit soon and hasty to give it to her - not sure.


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Yup, it's sickle cell. He's got the full blown deal. That what caused his kidney failure, his two hip replacements and countless other problems that has him on 38 pills a day. And yes, he is black, I am not. This is where my issues with his parents came in (over it now, we just aren't close). He is originally from Zambia, though he's been in Canada nearly his entire life (was 13). His dads company paid for him to come to school here for his masters. Hubs and his mom came with them (then he has a sister born here). When we met, hubby was 18 but because he was still in school, he was covered by his dads visa still. At the time, his dad had gotten not 1 but 3 masters degrees and was now working for the university. His parents we're very strict then. He had to do two hours of calculus every night before he was allowed to go out. And his mom would flip out if she picked up the phone when I called. No girls... Click lol. We had been together about a year and a half when he happened to have a crises while we were together. After getting him to the hospital, I called his parents and let them know he was there. She hung up on me. The next day I dropped by to visit him and his parents and the aunt and uncle were there. Hubby was in the bathroom. It was first time I ever met them so it was akward. Said hello and his mom comes up to me and says... Your the girl that calls the house? Dont call my house and get out of here. I left... First meeting, check!
> 
> Anyways, he had apparently come after me but I was already gone. I talked to him later, he apologized for her, it was all good. I just avoided her from then on. Fast forward another year, his dad went to work a couple provinces over and was traveling back and forth. I decided to get an apartment with my twin sister, to try it out (lasted 6 months lol). Anyways, he spent a lot of time there even staying over a couple nights. I had only been out a month when one night his mom called (he'd been with me for 2 days) and said since he insists on spending his time with me, she's moving with his dad. And she did... Just left him here not even a week later. Now keep in mind, while hubs was now 21 and most would say so what, he was still under his dads visa. Had to be in school to stay here, couldn't work, couldn't get a student loan nothing. And they just stopped paying for him totally. Said they couldn't afford it cause they lived in Vancouver and it was too expensive. His student visa expired that summer and there was nothing we could do. He was now here illegally, couldn't work and... Had no health care!! My parents took him in when I moved back with them. He had 3 hospital stays during that time at $1000 a day. My parents covered it all.
> 
> We had our first daughter January 1, 2003. His parents came to meet her for the first time in April of that year (also there first visit period). We were still living with my parents. While awkward and tense, it went relatively well. Until... His dad ran out to the car to grab something. Came in with a huge envelope... Immigration papers. Gave them to me with my parents right there. Told me I should fill them out because I wouldn't want hubs to get sent back. Like they cared when they left 3 years prior. I was sooo mad. Hubs was too, he had no idea. Anyways, we asked them to leave and that was it for me. Didn't talk to them for a long time. I did eventually do it, after we got married. He got his permanent residency in 2006, citizenship in 2009. But I Felt like they abandoned him and that my child was there way out. I've never been close to them since. I do speak to his dad at times but neither his mom nor myself have any use for each other.
> 
> Of course, he's never said anything about all that either. His parents did the best they could. He understands they couldn't support him forever, etc. I think if he ever allowed himself to feel anything, them leaving probably hurt him. A lot.
> 
> As for the mid life crises/bucket list thing... I did think of that at first. But he doesn't do anything. When he first got his apartment, he didn't have anything. No furniture, no bed, nothing. He lived like that for over a month before I had a guy from work drop off some furniture I had gotten from our neighbors so the kids could visit. He was still coming tithe house everyday at 7 and staying till I got home from work. He literally did nothing... Still doesn't leave the house much. Almost wish that was it... At least I could understand that. It's so frustrating that he is sitting right across from me right now, could give me all the answers, just can't or won't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmm now the plot thickens. ... it was bound to happen at some point. This man has abandonment issues. I don't care if he was 40 , what parents leave their ailing child in another country.? This could be somehow linked to his current flight from you. They supposedly loved him...could not make a way for his caregiving..boom he's discarded.
You having struggles with his caregiving. ..you put him out...boom see the connection. 

My H too had a form of abandonment in his childhood. When the going got tough for his dad...he left and did not return for 10yrs. They had no clue where he was... 
Boi this thread is really evolving now. :scratchhead: you just made me think of something else to research


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I feel sooo much better, I got it all out. Well most of it anyway. I did not remain calm though (smdh ) he kept walking close to me I said bk the f**k up before I knock the cold hell outta ya like I really want to do...im shame;but he backed up. Now I can really leave it to God...or at least pray harder that i truly do.
> Lost , I really appreciate your stage in this right now. If we were all on a rant today, no telling where this thread will go. Somebody gotta have some dang sense because I totally lost mine today...



Ahh , doesn't matter Catch . doesn't matter . As I was saying , I reckon it's the best thing you could of done and because of you've been stepping back from him , he'll be thinking about this sh1t finally no matter what he says , he will be and he'll finally know he needs to fkg acknowledge it and think about it- now , or he's gonna lose you.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Do ya both , sh1t , interesting.
> 
> I've been in the middle of rewriting my adios but door will be slightly open letter , apologizing for hurting her and pointing out the main things that were going on with me , the why's and stuff . Don't think I could include a " forgive you " though Catch , not yet. I probably could one day because of how I hurt her and had her thinking it was over anyway - but not yet.
> 
> The letter was suppose to be as much for me , a way of sort of moving on , but most importantly , trying to say that I will have to for me but that that doesn't mean I'm closed . Basically ethat if she starts to sway , I may still be around for awhile yet
> But I also want her to be aware that although I might be still around , life might have other ideas so don't push it .
> 
> Like I didn't put things like that but that's what it means.
> Basically a rewrite of one from a few wks back.
> Think I'm happy with this one but I feel to it might still be a bit soon and hasty to give it to her - not sure.


Ok sounds like a plan, the letter and all. I wouldn't give it to her yet though. I'd let her marinate a bit on the latest conversations and events . I've been thinking of writing a release letter. Im scared right now though as ive been a bit emotional the last week or so off and on. It may stir up feelings and thoughts ive suppressed and am not ready to truly deal with right now. I dont wanna write it, get emotional, and before I know it hand it right to him . Gotta get better self control first...lol Today showed me that I am not as stable as I thought I was. Itll get better after I start IC i think. 

I know you know better than us...but something tells me I don't want you to even come near giving up just yet. I coyld be wrong..but just a 6th sense kinda feeling I get when reading your posts. My 6th sense is pretty keen too. Nothing revealing like a psychic...just a strong nagging hunch. Also something I don't usually tell people about, but felt the nees to share that with you


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## NotEZ

I maybe should have made my own thread... Didn't mean to take over yours lol. Think thats all the background info now though... Just what to do with it all. Guess if I knew that, I wouldn't be here lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I was thinking man I blew it White Hawk is gonna let me have it good when he gets on here...I feel much better now. See I don't have brothers or uncles. So most of this stuff about male psychology is all greek to me. I only know what i've experienced or read...well and whatever Oprahs tried to teach. ..lol
> I just am such a realist that first break all i've. Really been wanting to say flew out before I could stop it. Thanks for letting me know I didn't mess up bad. I felt better afterwards, but under my loud mouth and thick skin...i really do love him. If it dont work..itll be because he didn't do all he could. Not me. No regrets is what im aiming for R or not.


Ahh don't worry about that Catch , nothin. He needed it and the timing was good too. I think he loves you too he's just a bit on the rug sweeper come vague 
side . He probably doesn't even need the mush like you do.
Anyway , give it a week or two as you go now , see what he's roller coaster brings.Might take awhile to show any acknowledgement but it'll be ticking over .
And stop worrying about blasting him he's not a baby he'll be right.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Ahh , doesn't matter Catch . doesn't matter . As I was saying , I reckon it's the best thing you could of done and because of you've been stepping back from him , he'll be thinking about this sh1t finally no matter what he says , he will be and he'll finally know he needs to fkg acknowledge it and think about it- now , or he's gonna lose you.


Thats pretty much what I was insinuating too without actually asking or making it appear that I was asking for a R. I was able to get in that there is still plenty of love left in me for him, but under these conditions I can and will cut that **** short. He knows I have the ability (which im not proud of) to cut people out of my life, very significant people ,as if they never existed. I don't want to do that with him.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Ahh don't worry about that Catch , nothin. He needed it and the timing was good too. I think he loves you too he's just a bit on the rug sweeper come vague
> side . He probably doesn't even need the mush like you do.
> Anyway , give it a week or two as you go now , see what he's roller coaster brings.Might take awhile to show any acknowledgement but it'll be ticking over .
> And stop worrying about blasting him he's not a baby he'll be right.


Gosh darnit White I just wanna give ya a hug. I think once again this rollercoaster is on the right track. But im doing just as you say here as those we're my intentions. Im just doing it with no expectations. Your expectancies are really what leaves you hurt. If you dont expect much and dont get much...the is far less pain when it doesn't go your way. At least that's what works for me.:ezpi_wink1:


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok sounds like a plan, the letter and all. I wouldn't give it to her yet though. I'd let her marinate a bit on the latest conversations and events . I've been thinking of writing a release letter. Im scared right now though as ive been a bit emotional the last week or so off and on. It may stir up feelings and thoughts ive suppressed and am not ready to truly deal with right now. I dont wanna write it, get emotional, and before I know it hand it right to him . Gotta get better self control first...lol Today showed me that I am not as stable as I thought I was. Itll get better after I start IC i think.
> 
> I know you know better than us...but something tells me I don't want you to even come near giving up just yet. I coyld be wrong..but just a 6th sense kinda feeling I get when reading your posts. My 6th sense is pretty keen too. Nothing revealing like a psychic...just a strong nagging hunch. Also something I don't usually tell people about, but felt the nees to share that with you



Thanks Catch , yeah I think it's too soon to , it's a sorta get it outa my head exercise for now , don't think I'll be rushing it of to her though anytime soon.

So you think hey . See this is one reason I'm hanging out in a chicks thread- among other places - evils , dungeons , filth and like . 
Like you I need some girly heads on the job with a bit of consistence , seeing what you guys are picking up as we go.

And hey , meantime I can return the favor. And hey , on that note , there's no way he's gonna think about your stuff seriously unless you force him to and I reckon you have Catch . I know what I'm expecting now but I don't wanna say just yet but don't you worry - his wheels are turning.:scratchhead:

Ps , sorry Lost , gotta get some stuff done but will be back - too much to read for now.

PS ps , going over to see d tonight . Not that I'd expect anything from x yet of course but still , looking forward to making an appearance , dropping of a few love deposits into the mix


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Thanks Catch , yeah I think it's too soon to , it's a sorta get it outa my head exercise for now , don't think I'll be rushing it of to her though anytime soon.
> 
> So you think hey . See this is one reason I'm hanging out in a chicks thread- among other places - evils , dungeons , filth and like .
> Like you I need some girly heads on the job with a bit of consistence , seeing what you guys are picking up as we go.
> 
> And hey , meantime I can return the favor. And hey , on that note , there's no way he's gonna think about your stuff seriously unless you force him to and I reckon you have Catch . I know what I'm expecting now but I don't wanna say just yet but don't you worry - his wheels are turning.:scratchhead:
> 
> Ps , sorry Lost , gotta get some stuff done but will be back - too much to read for now.
> 
> PS ps , going over to see d tonight . Not that I'd expect anything from x yet of course but still , looking forward to making an appearance , dropping of a few love deposits into the mix


Ha ha...same reason I look forward to your replies. Now is lovely, she and I have so much in common yet just enough difference to create a awesome balance of opinions, advice, experience. .yadda yadda...lol but though you dont know my H you know men in general like we know women. The input from the opposite sexes is soo important. Enjoy your D time I know that's always grand. And go ahead and drop those love deposits. Hopefully before long you just may be depositing. Err uhh ..ok won't go there...lol Well i guess i better catch some shut eye too...or at least try. ..ttyl :sleeping:


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## catch22gofigure

NotEz you just chime in whenever you like...you are more than welcome here with us and we're glad to have ya aboard the flipping rollercoaster with us....one day we'll be getting off....hopefully soon.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> And then there was the phone call. So,
> Now he says that I should take a more systematic approach to moving to the new city. Very authoritative was his tone as to what sounds more logical to do. Ha ha...wonders never cease to amaze me. Me take advice from someone who has never even done it themselves. He says that no you don't have to take my advice, I just think differently. Well buddy ya got that part right...your thinking is indeed VERY different. He went on and on about things I need to have done to my car before leaving and blah blah. Im thinking, yeah right anything to prolong my stay here. Pssht ! Sorry im sticking to my own plan. A man with such a plan and so many words about everything but the right thing. I politely let him know I will take it into consideration ; but I've thought my plan out pretty much and ill go with that. I own my home here, if it doesn't work; then hey I come back home and try it all over again. No harm no foul. Thank goodness he's at work and it was a break time call, so limited to only a few mins. Can you say saved by the bell !! The next break is a lunch, so wish me luck on round two of todays saga...to be continued


You've hit the nail on the head, it is to prolong your stay. My H still tells me what to do and I'm thinking why? I'm on my own now and you've no right to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Just goes to show how much control they had on us before. I'm fed up today, hopefully I'll be in a better mood later on when I've finished college.


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## catch22gofigure

Ahhh the rollercoaster Lost..., take some time to deal with those emotions today after class. As you see I have those fed up days often. This too shall pass is what I have to tell myself. It does get pretty rough. He can try all he wants, my H that is, but im steady on making this move successfully. He knows I dont have to be in arush and can't figure out why I am. If he would look deeper instead of being such a surface skimmer then he would see that 30% of this move is because I am making a conscious move forward with my life without him. Im a take charge kind of person and he knows this. So can't find decent work here, this town and everyone in it contains too many memories of us, its nothing to do here and boredom has fueled my depression for years, so its high time I take control of all of that by getting the heck out of here. So he can do with those thoughts of delaying me all he wants. Yes, it's flattering. ..but not gonna change a thing at this point. He can't even give me a valid excuse for why I shouldn't . So his case is dismissed for lack of evidence. ..lol


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## lostwithouthim

Lol lack of evidence, I love it! Thanks for the link on depression btw, I'll have a look at it later and if it is appropriate for H then I'll pass it on via email. The more I think about it, the more I realise that my H needs to do something about his depression. He snaps at me for the smallest thing and sometimes it's like walking on eggshells when I'm around him! Update: whilst I've been typing on here he rang to say he's off home as he's bored stupid and hungry. I asked him why he didn't have any lunch at mine and he said he didn't want to take my food. I said I'd got extra food in case he wanted some lunch, so he's meeting me off the bus and taking me home so he can have something to eat before he goes back to his place. I'm feeling a bit better than this morning anyway, even before he rang  I will do want you say catch and take things slowly  I do need reminding to do that, lol  I've not replied to all your posts today as there's just too many! Lol. Will speak later if you are on 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Lol lack of evidence, I love it! Thanks for the link on depression btw, I'll have a look at it later and if it is appropriate for H then I'll pass it on via email. The more I think about it, the more I realise that my H needs to do something about his depression. He snaps at me for the smallest thing and sometimes it's like walking on eggshells when I'm around him! Update: whilst I've been typing on here he rang to say he's off home as he's bored stupid and hungry. I asked him why he didn't have any lunch at mine and he said he didn't want to take my food. I said I'd got extra food in case he wanted some lunch, so he's meeting me off the bus and taking me home so he can have something to eat before he goes back to his place. I'm feeling a bit better than this morning anyway, even before he rang  I will do want you say catch and take things slowly  I do need reminding to do that, lol  I've not replied to all your posts today as there's just too many! Lol. Will speak later if you are on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Noooooo !!! That's not what im saying about the commercials! !! Some forms of depression will have the depressed person (clears throat, like me ...) thinking they can do it without meds.Which in fact, the symptoms are only decreased by prescription meds when there is a chemical imbalance present. So if he does have an imbalance. Him listening to those side affects at the end of the commercial, will give me all the ammunition he needs for validation of why he should not seek treatment.


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## catch22gofigure

u


lostwithouthim said:


> Lol lack of evidence, I love it! Thanks for the link on depression btw, I'll have a look at it later and if it is appropriate for H then I'll pass it on via email. The more I think about it, the more I realise that my H needs to do something about his depression. He snaps at me for the smallest thing and sometimes it's like walking on eggshells when I'm around him! Update: whilst I've been typing on here he rang to say he's off home as he's bored stupid and hungry. I asked him why he didn't have any lunch at mine and he said he didn't want to take my food. I said I'd got extra food in case he wanted some lunch, so he's meeting me off the bus and taking me home so he can have something to eat before he goes back to his place. I'm feeling a bit better than this morning anyway, even before he rang  I will do want you say catch and take things slowly  I do need reminding to do that, lol  I've not replied to all your posts today as there's just too many! Lol. Will speak later if you are on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah nice and slow like you told me before. It's so easy for us to get caught up in the moment and forget everything for that split. second . don't worry about not replying to every post. I told you imma talker. So reply to what ya feel ya wanna whenever you can. I mean we do have lives outside of TAM ....or do we ?? Lol !!! 
Can't spend all ya time here.
And another thing...the whole" stupid bored and hungry" thing....i figured that one out....(I hope White Hawk gets to read this one and let me know if im correct ). That is their **Stupid*, ok, i'll. Be nice.  It's their indirect way of telling you that he wants your company and some of your cooking. Even if not the cooking , lets say you go buy him takeout, you communicated to him a act of attention, or care, or whatever it is he needs as the moment. I think its a way to gauge where they still are with us too. I told you I cut off sex this man reeeaaalllyyy is losing it now and grasping at straws . I reealllyy don't know how much longer imma make it myself. Im beginning to wonders whose supposedly getting the lesson out of this me or him...sheeesh lmbo !


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Noooooo !!! That's not what im saying about the commercials! !! Some forms of depression will have the depressed person (clears throat, like me ...) thinking they can do it without meds.Which in fact, the symptoms are only decreased by prescription meds when there is a chemical imbalance present. So if he does have an imbalance. Him listening to those side affects at the end of the commercial, will give me all the ammunition he needs for validation of why he should not seek treatment.


Ah yes I see now  Just watched the ads and you're right. They have so many side effects it puts you off going on Anti-ds. Thank goodness we don't have those types of ads over here 
Well H picked me up from the bus, took me to get my meds and then we went shopping in our local supermarket. To anyone else we were probably just a normal couple doing our shopping! He took me back home and had some lunch here and a coffee whilst we watched some TV. He called his place "home" for the first time and gave me back his joint bank card on our joint account. Looks like he's distancing himself from me again. I'm still waiting for the book "hope for the separated" to be delivered. I need to read it now! I think now that I should go 180 on him and the book will help me do that. Feeling down now again, on the roller coaster  How's everyone's day been so far? I'm off out to a meeting later, got to keep going for my sake


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## Christina909

Hi I thought I would join you guys here here is my update on my husband leaving me. It's been 45 days

Update things got worse left some bad voice mails he responded with some bad voice mails saying I should find someone else. I reached a deep low... so when I got home from work I turned off the net and tv I got in to some deep prayer and God showed me 1 Peter 5:6-7 which says cast all my cares upon The Lord. Then I heard a message by Author Sheri Rose Shepherd discusses ways for moms to proactively train sons to become husbands and fathers of integrity, responsibility and respect. Ill share the link below. She said God showed her to serve him no matter what, and I decided to Give my husband to God and to continue serving God no matter what. So as I did this I started to read Gods word and fill my spirit with his wisdom. Here the great part I started reading the book LostWithOutHim recommend by Ed Wheat it has helped me so much he talks about choosing to love and the foundation of marriage. Lastly I watched this movie called "another women" it's on YouTube ill also share the link below. It's about how a couple had to learn to fall in love all over again. My husband and I have started over and are talking as friends now. Ok God has a plan and I'm trusting him. 

Links:

Preparing Sons to Be Great Husbands and Fathers (Part 1 of 2) | Focus on the Family

To movie

Another Woman 1988 - Full Movie - English - YouTube


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## lostwithouthim

Thanks for the post Christina  It's just what I needed at this time  Funny you should read a book with my nickname as it's title  Ed Wheat is a good author, I read another book by him.
I'm terrible at forgetting that God is with me through the bad times as well as the good, especially when I'm feeling depressed and just want the world to pass me by!
Thanks for the links, God's word and the book recommendation  I'll read that passage tonight  I have my bible by my bedside and will read it sometimes before I go to sleep. It's always handy to know what to read  Ed Wheat is good as he points to bible passages all the time to read, so I have no problem finding a passage to read  God blessings on you Christina


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## catch22gofigure

Hi guys just dropping in. Been a pretty busy day for me. Will chime in later if im up late tonight, ttys


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## catch22gofigure

Christina909 said:


> Hi I thought I would join you guys here here is my update on my husband leaving me. It's been 45 days
> 
> Update things got worse left some bad voice mails he responded with some bad voice mails saying I should find someone else. I reached a deep low... so when I got home from work I turned off the net and tv I got in to some deep prayer and God showed me 1 Peter 5:6-7 which says cast all my cares upon The Lord. Then I heard a message by Author Sheri Rose Shepherd discusses ways for moms to proactively train sons to become husbands and fathers of integrity, responsibility and respect. Ill share the link below. She said God showed her to serve him no matter what, and I decided to Give my husband to God and to continue serving God no matter what. So as I did this I started to read Gods word and fill my spirit with his wisdom. Here the great part I started reading the book LostWithOutHim recommend by Ed Wheat it has helped me so much he talks about choosing to love and the foundation of marriage. Lastly I watched this movie called "another women" it's on YouTube ill also share the link below. It's about how a couple had to learn to fall in love all over again. My husband and I have started over and are talking as friends now. Ok God has a plan and I'm trusting him.
> 
> Links:
> 
> Preparing Sons to Be Great Husbands and Fathers (Part 1 of 2) | Focus on the Family
> 
> To movie
> 
> Another Woman 1988 - Full Movie - English - YouTube


Uh oh ...looks like the lose it bug bit u too ,huh. Try your best not to do that. You lose all power when you do. Have you got a plan on how you intend to fight for your marriage. I think taking a day or two to decide on that would good for you right now. Sorry it went that way for you today. But is a ride ya know. So just buckle back up and try it more time in a strategic way. Im rooting for ya ! im gonna go check out those links as well


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## Christina909

The book title is Love Life for every married couple, I'm going to read a Couple of chapters tonight


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## Christina909

Yes so far my plan is to be patient and I'm not making any drastic decisions. And in the mean time my schedule is full with reading, cleaning and going out to dinner with friends. Also I pray for him every day also I'm watching what I say I was really hurt at first and really mad at him no I'm just leaving it in Gods hands. And finally I'm just going to continue to show him love but also giving him his space. Ok so I'll list the books I'm reading

The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick (2008)
Love life for every married couple by Ed Wheat
Marriage fitness by Mortal Fertel 

So he called me today 3 times I found it hard not to say the wrong thing. Ok tonight I'm just going to read and then maybe watch a movie yes that's good advice take it day by day


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## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> Uh oh NotEZ...looks like the lose it bug bit u too ,huh. Try your best not to do that. You lose all power when you do. Have you got a plan on how you intend to fight for your marriage. I think taking a day or two to decide on that would good for you right now. Sorry it went that way for you today. But is a ride ya know. So just buckle back up and try it more time in a strategic way. Im rooting for ya ! im gonna go check out those links as well


Wasn't me you quoted hun lol. I've had a pretty good day. Will fill you guys in tomorrow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Christina909 said:


> The book title is Love Life for every married couple, I'm going to read a Couple of chapters tonight


Ah yes that's the one I've read  Well I've actually only just read the chapter on how to save your marriage, I've read that about 3 times now, lol.


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## lostwithouthim

Christina909 said:


> The book title is Love Life for every married couple, I'm going to read a Couple of chapters tonight


I'm such a dimbo, lol. I've reread your original post and realise that you meant you'd read this book that I recommended, lol  Nice to see I do something right for a change


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## lostwithouthim

My update: So H was round yesterday as you know. Took me shopping, came home for some lunch and a coffee and left late afternoon. He also complained that I'd not done the dishwasher and emptied the bin. It was raining in the morning and I had to go to college. When I told him this he said I'm always got some excuse and I could've done it last night. Is this some sort of control thing? He also wanted some money out of my son's respite fund. I said it wouldn't be right to give it to him. I think that's why he gave me his bank card because he said there's no point having this as there's no money in it. His benefits haven't come through and he's got no money. Well that's not my fault! Money is a major issue for him and a big part of his depression. Ok vent over, I'm off to college, see you guys later


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## whitehawk

Love deposits gone weird .
Went over to be with d for a few hrs last night. We messed about , wrestled and joke round then x got back.
All cool , she just went to get a few groceries after work. But sometimes it's so strange , as if we're just us all together just as usual , only in a different place.
She chit chatted about everything and then the shopping and bargains she found, just like she use to.
Made us all a great tea.
Later she made a few funny vids with some phone apps of me and d on the couch. Then later she asked if I wanna go to this fun park for d's birthday and we'd be taking some of friends to.
Huuu :scratchhead:
This joints 4hrs drive each way , talking a serious 12 hour drive and day here , the three of us and 3 friends. 
We've only spent a few hours together a time so far in 7 mths. This would be 8 hours driving alone , 4 hrs there. Nearly fell of the couch 
I said yeah ok we'll do it but - later got to thinking .
Everything I've been through with all this and her with om in the middle of town sipping coffees 2wks after destroying her family , whole town knowing and these 3 friends mothers are part of the whole town. The girls and a lot of the others do often stay out here but thats just with d and me but this is different . Then there's the 12 hours together for the first time wirh everything she's done.
Even though yeah , I effed up big time and that brought most of this on but , it didn't have to be this way and there sure didn't have to be an om and blatantly like that in front of the whole town , my d straight after she's just lost her family. So there's a lot of pain in there and well , later when I went home , time to think , I thought right now a 12hr day - with the girls and us altogether , that'd just be too fkg weird and , not right just yet considering.
Y was awake all night thinking about it and decided to text x today to say I'm not doing it.
I dunno , it's just too weird , there's just too much hurt , could I even go there especially in front of the others knowing their families know the whole town , the 12 hrs, the lot.
I dunno what she's thinking but that's just too much right now. I feel like you Catch waiting on the fall out , x hasn't replied to the text yet.


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## NotEZ

whitehawk said:


> Love deposits gone weird .
> Went over to be with d for a few hrs last night. We messed about , wrestled and joke round then x got back.
> All cool , she just went to get a few groceries after work. But sometimes it's so strange , as if we're just us all together just as usual , only in a different place.
> She chit chatted about everything and then the shopping and bargains she found, just like she use to.
> Made us all a great tea.
> Later she made a few funny vids with some phone apps of me and d on the couch. Then later she asked if I wanna go to this fun park for d's birthday and we'd be taking some of friends to.
> Huuu :scratchhead:
> This joints 4hrs drive each way , talking a serious 12 hour drive and day here , the three of us and 3 friends.
> We've only spent a few hours together a time so far in 7 mths. This would be 8 hours driving alone , 4 hrs there. Nearly fell of the couch
> I said yeah ok we'll do it but - later got to thinking .
> Everything I've been through with all this and her with om in the middle of town sipping coffees 2wks after destroying her family , whole town knowing and these 3 friends mothers are part of the whole town. The girls and a lot of the others do often stay out here but thats just with d and me but this is different . Then there's the 12 hours together for the first time wirh everything she's done.
> Even though yeah , I effed up big time and that brought most of this on but , it didn't have to be this way and there sure didn't have to be an om and blatantly like that in front of the whole town , my d straight after she's just lost her family. So there's a lot of pain in there and well , later when I went home , time to think , I thought right now a 12hr day - with the girls and us altogether , that'd just be too fkg weird and , not right just yet considering.
> Y was awake all night thinking about it and decided to text x today to say I'm not doing it.
> I dunno , it's just too weird , there's just too much hurt , could I even go there especially in front of the others knowing their families know the whole town , the 12 hrs, the lot.
> I dunno what she's thinking but that's just too much right now. I feel like you Catch waiting on the fall out , x hasn't replied to the text yet.


I'm new to this thread, but not to this site. I've read your story since you first got here. One thing I don't know, is she still with OM? If I'm not mistaken, you don't believe so but don't have confirmation... Though I read a lot and stories mix hence why I asked.

Because its late and I'm not entirely clear on your entire situation, I don't want to give you any advice on what you should or shouldn't do regarding this little trip. One thing I do wonder given the above post alone... If the embarrassment of these 3 little girls (or their families) knowing what she's done to your relationship bothers you enough to mention it... Have you actually thought about how your going to deal with those feelings if you reconcile? I'm in no way trying to be unsupportive, and I apologize if I come across that way. I just worry that, if it important enough to mention, that you are fighting for someone you wont be able to forgive anyways. You have NO REASON to feel embarrassed. If you take that feeling on and throw everything into winning her back are you truly going to be happy with what returns to you?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

It's good that she's asked you to go WH, but like you I would feel a little weird. I think if you don't want to go then I won't blame you! It's too much, too soon! When h went with me to the supermarket yesterday, I popped to the green grocers to get some apples and he said I'll meet u in there and went and got himself a trolley. I went into the supermarket after and got a basket and went round getting my stuff. When I met up with him, he asked me why I got a basket as he had got this trolley for us. I was like errrr, didn't have an answer. So I know exactly what you mean by weird! So what your heart tells you to do 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

NotEZ said:


> I'm new to this thread, but not to this site. I've read your story since you first got here. One thing I don't know, is she still with OM? If I'm not mistaken, you don't believe so but don't have confirmation... Though I read a lot and stories mix hence why I asked.
> 
> Because its late and I'm not entirely clear on your entire situation, I don't want to give you any advice on what you should or shouldn't do regarding this little trip. One thing I do wonder given the above post alone... If the embarrassment of these 3 little girls (or their families) knowing what she's done to your relationship bothers you enough to mention it... Have you actually thought about how your going to deal with those feelings if you reconcile? I'm in no way trying to be unsupportive, and I apologize if I come across that way. I just worry that, if it important enough to mention, that you are fighting for someone you wont be able to forgive anyways. You have NO REASON to feel embarrassed. If you take that feeling on and throw everything into winning her back are you truly going to be happy with what returns to you?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thanks for that Not. I've thought a lot about forgiveness if we did get back There's 2 sides to it but I do feel what she did was so huge , I'm just not sure how I would handle it if we R.
I'm not sure if the om's still around , I don't ask. Any R stuff for me anyway have just been my own private thoughts as yet and any contact with her has always just been about my d or finances as yet. I haven't gone there .
This trip was nothing to do with an R but maybe it was intended as a stepping stone to her , not sure , she has been so different lately. Or , maybe it was simply for my d's birthday. 
But , 3 little girls ,Vixens you mean , especially with the town gossips for parents . Na they're great girls but they ain't no angels and between them and the parents . I don't normally give a damn what people say and think but all of this - hell comes to mind ! She shamed me , her own daughter who has to go to school in that damn dump with all 800 of them knowing everything her own mothers done , it's not as simple as a bit of embarrassment.

But on R , to be honest , for myself , I'm not sure. 
When I read through here about the trust issues , the work , the pain that stays with the betrayed or dumped spouse even 10 yrs later , even thinking about sex with a wife that did this and went to a om . It is very , very , deep sh1t . I've started to wonder just today if I could even go there again with her.
And , if a spouse can do this once then you will never ever know if and when another brain fart might strike .- toughest call I've ever had.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> My update: So H was round yesterday as you know. Took me shopping, came home for some lunch and a coffee and left late afternoon. He also complained that I'd not done the dishwasher and emptied the bin. It was raining in the morning and I had to go to college. When I told him this he said I'm always got some excuse and I could've done it last night. Is this some sort of control thing? He also wanted some money out of my son's respite fund. I said it wouldn't be right to give it to him. I think that's why he gave me his bank card because he said there's no point having this as there's no money in it. His benefits haven't come through and he's got no money. Well that's not my fault! Money is a major issue for him and a big part of his depression. Ok vent over, I'm off to college, see you guys later


Hey there Lost
Ok my take on it. Seems somebody is starting to miss the sense of security of having a wife that will always have his back. This is something my H would do (about the dishwasher) ..almost like he's trying to display to me that he still has a say in the day to day of what is now my home. I say my instead of our home because what they have not done is established anything that solidifies they will one day be home. It is a control thing I think. How to address it correctly, im not sure.since you are doing so well as not to overly show him you want him back by any means at this point he may be trying to get a rise out of you like he has in the previous couple of interactions ro see where your head is or if these changes in you are real. I read somewhere that any reaction that we make or get from them shows something. Someone who has moved on or doesn't care will neither argue or get upset with anything you do or say. Even a negative reaction is a reaction. Do you feel you can bring up with him your disapproval of those things he is saying without blowing your plan that you are sticking to so very well. I mean if it would cause a blow up I wouldn't do it...but if he's receptive. It would be a great cornerstone for resolving that kind of confrontation again.


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Wasn't me you quoted hun lol. I've had a pretty good day. Will fill you guys in tomorrow!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ikr ..smh i just noticed that too , getting ahead of myself. Just edited the post...lol Glad to see you had a good one !!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey there Lost
> Ok my take on it. Seems somebody is starting to miss the sense of security of having a wife that will always have his back. This is something my H would do (about the dishwasher) ..almost like he's trying to display to me that he still has a say in the day to day of what is now my home. I say my instead of our home because what they have not done is established anything that solidifies they will one day be home. It is a control thing I think. How to address it correctly, im not sure.since you are doing so well as not to overly show him you want him back by any means at this point he may be trying to get a rise out of you like he has in the previous couple of interactions ro see where your head is or if these changes in you are real. I read somewhere that any reaction that we make or get from them shows something. Someone who has moved on or doesn't care will neither argue or get upset with anything you do or say. Even a negative reaction is a reaction. Do you feel you can bring up with him your disapproval of those things he is saying without blowing your plan that you are sticking to so very well. I mean if it would cause a blow up I wouldn't do it...but if he's receptive. It would be a great cornerstone for resolving that kind of confrontation again.


I find it very hard to confront him with things like this without losing it! I just ended making excuses as to why I didn't empty the bin and he said that's my problem, I always have some sort of excuse!
He got a letter today telling him he couldn't have a certain benefit. It was delivered here, so he said to put the kettle on and he'll be round in 10 mins. He read the letter, made the phone call, got in a bad mood, drank his coffee in about 2 mins and said "I'm off, bye bye". What was the point, why couldn't he just take the letter back with him and sort it out from there instead! He called this place home again, funny how now he's got 2 homes! He's now put me in a fed up mood, even though it wasn't my fault. I'm not the one who's issued the letter, so he has no need to take it out on me.


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## lostwithouthim

WH, I know exactly what you mean, I've been through that myself. It takes years to get over the affair. Your spouse may think everything is ok and it probably is in her head! But for you, you'll find it hard to trust her again, you probably won't want to sleep with her again and you'll wonder if she's going to leave again. I made the mistake of taking him back w/o any form of mc to get you both to start again from scratch because that's what is needed. As we say here all the time on here, this needs to be done slowly and steadily. I agree that an 8 hour round trip is too much too soon, but if she wants a r then she's going to have to work at it. Before she moved back into the family home again, make sure you are both ready. Start dating again, go out for the odd night out and build up your trust and affection again for each other. I've made the mistake once and if I get another chance I'm not going to make the same mistake again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Grrr back on the emotional roller coaster again! Looks like it's going to be quite a while before there's any sort of r. I did a silly thing earlier and rang him to make sure he was ok. Before he left my house, he was talking about crashing his car. He said he is depressed because he's got no money and any money he's got is tied up in the house! That put me back on the emotional roller coaster again  he's just texted me to apologise and told me not to worry about him. I sent him back a love deposit saying I'll try not to worry but I'm too sensitive and when he gets depressed then so do I! Off out now, speak to you all later 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Love deposits gone weird .
> Went over to be with d for a few hrs last night. We messed about , wrestled and joke round then x got back.
> All cool , she just went to get a few groceries after work. But sometimes it's so strange , as if we're just us all together just as usual , only in a different place.
> She chit chatted about everything and then the shopping and bargains she found, just like she use to.
> Made us all a great tea.
> Later she made a few funny vids with some phone apps of me and d on the couch. Then later she asked if I wanna go to this fun park for d's birthday and we'd be taking some of friends to.
> Huuu :scratchhead:
> This joints 4hrs drive each way , talking a serious 12 hour drive and day here , the three of us and 3 friends.
> We've only spent a few hours together a time so far in 7 mths. This would be 8 hours driving alone , 4 hrs there. Nearly fell of the couch
> I said yeah ok we'll do it but - later got to thinking .
> Everything I've been through with all this and her with om in the middle of town sipping coffees 2wks after destroying her family , whole town knowing and these 3 friends mothers are part of the whole town. The girls and a lot of the others do often stay out here but thats just with d and me but this is different . Then there's the 12 hours together for the first time wirh everything she's done.
> Even though yeah , I effed up big time and that brought most of this on but , it didn't have to be this way and there sure didn't have to be an om and blatantly like that in front of the whole town , my d straight after she's just lost her family. So there's a lot of pain in there and well , later when I went home , time to think , I thought right now a 12hr day - with the girls and us altogether , that'd just be too fkg weird and , not right just yet considering.
> Y was awake all night thinking about it and decided to text x today to say I'm not doing it.
> I dunno , it's just too weird , there's just too much hurt , could I even go there especially in front of the others knowing their families know the whole town , the 12 hrs, the lot.
> I dunno what she's thinking but that's just too much right now. I feel like you Catch waiting on the fall out , x hasn't replied to the text yet.


Ok now what in the heck White Hawk !!! This woman is blatantly seeking more time around you. Isn't this what you wanted ? Who cares what the whole town thinks. Your only concern is to be how you, her and d are feeling about this I think. In order to truly let by gones be by gones in this, and yes she is wrong for having the OM...regardless. .i feel,but it appears as if the revelation is taking place here. The thing is now that she sees what she may be finding out to be true as the most logical, rational, and best thing to do . How much longer that'll take her...idk. She willbhave to come to reason with the reality of it all. And thats a big pill to swallow im sure.but you have to admit she's come a long way. 
I too have been hurt....but i ama good people, like myself. We have the ability to still be able to see good in other people even after they've shown us they are capable of inflicting pain on us. Not always a good trait to have; but it is what it is.
You might have scared her because of the rejection of the invite. But I have a feeling a response is coming soon....

I look forward to how the rest of the week goes for you guys.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I find it very hard to confront him with things like this without losing it! I just ended making excuses as to why I didn't empty the bin and he said that's my problem, I always have some sort of excuse!
> He got a letter today telling him he couldn't have a certain benefit. It was delivered here, so he said to put the kettle on and he'll be round in 10 mins. He read the letter, made the phone call, got in a bad mood, drank his coffee in about 2 mins and said "I'm off, bye bye". What was the point, why couldn't he just take the letter back with him and sort it out from there instead! He called this place home again, funny how now he's got 2 homes! He's now put me in a fed up mood, even though it wasn't my fault. I'm not the one who's issued the letter, so he has no need to take it out on me.


Yea the H is this way too (funny how all of our spouse's share the same ways ) This was one of our main issues. Him stressed and somehow I end up sharing thr blame in the situation or if not that stuck to deal with his attitude about it. I don't handle that well, flip out,...then round one it is ding the effin bell...sighs. any suggestions on how we can handle these ever present moments ?


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> WH, I know exactly what you mean, I've been through that myself. It takes years to get over the affair. Your spouse may think everything is ok and it probably is in her head! But for you, you'll find it hard to trust her again, you probably won't want to sleep with her again and you'll wonder if she's going to leave again. I made the mistake of taking him back w/o any form of mc to get you both to start again from scratch because that's what is needed. As we say here all the time on here, this needs to be done slowly and steadily. I agree that an 8 hour round trip is too much too soon, but if she wants a r then she's going to have to work at it. Before she moved back into the family home again, make sure you are both ready. Start dating again, go out for the odd night out and build up your trust and affection again for each other. I've made the mistake once and if I get another chance I'm not going to make the same mistake again!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
But i guess i see this as an opportunity for more" love deposits" to be dropped and not a premature attempt at a R. When both have hurt each other, I think it's so much more red tape...and makes it that much harder to know which piece of tape to tackle first.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Grrr back on the emotional roller coaster again! Looks like it's going to be quite a while before there's any sort of r. I did a silly thing earlier and rang him to make sure he was ok. Before he left my house, he was talking about crashing his car. He said he is depressed because he's got no money and any money he's got is tied up in the house! That put me back on the emotional roller coaster again  he's just texted me to apologise and told me not to worry about him. I sent him back a love deposit saying I'll try not to worry but I'm too sensitive and when he gets depressed then so do I! Off out now, speak to you all later
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hang in there Lost 
His depression is getting the best if him. My heart goes out to you both. I know the feeling all too well. Continue to pray for his depression until he sees he needs help and can't do it alone.
Go have you some you time and regroup for your fight. I think you're handling it all well. It's draining for us all do you are entitled to a fed up moment or two. You know i have them often.


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## catch22gofigure

I've been kind of pre occupied today again...but daily update coming soon.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> :iagree:
> But i guess i see this as an opportunity for more" love deposits" to be dropped and not a premature attempt at a R. When both have hurt each other, I think it's so much more red tape...and makes it that much harder to know which piece of tape to tackle first.


I agree  I'm not getting many love deposits at the moment, but he's getting plenty! I love this analogy of love deposits btw, it makes it easier to understand what to do next


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hang in there Lost
> His depression is getting the best if him. My heart goes out to you both. I know the feeling all too well. Continue to pray for his depression until he sees he needs help and can't do it alone.
> Go have you some you time and regroup for your fight. I think you're handling it all well. It's draining for us all do you are entitled to a fed up moment or two. You know i have them often.


I prayed for him on the way out tonight that God will wrap his arms around him and love him for who he is. I prayed that I don't get hurt anymore and I left it all with God. When I was on the bus, I was answering WH's post when I got the text through from H saying he was sorry and not to worry about him. My prayer had been answered  God know what we need at this time, some prayers are answered quickly, others take a little longer  I will continue to pray that he realises he needs help for his depression, but his free will may get in the way of that, lol


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I've been kind of pre occupied today again...but daily update coming soon.


Well hurry up, I'm off to bed soon! lol


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## catch22gofigure

Ok..today's run down
I must admit I was a bit unstable about a lot of things today. My future, my marriage, the affect this could be having on our familyfor generations to come. I feel the need to make him stop with the pet names (baby this baby that ) the back rubs and hand holding while we're near each other, even the bottom swats as I move to and fro through the house. Though I do enjoy them, I'm finding it difficult not to push him away as I'm beginning to view him as a rug sweeper in everything he does. Should i be holding onto my need to make him verbalize more than show actions. Or am i I truly expecting too much too soon. 
I told him today that he plays entirely too much (he is a class clown type often ) he was demonstrating how he can make a milk shake out of some ice cream we were eating...next thing i know we're both splattered with cold half melted ice cream. We laughed so hard at how silly we looked and he said well that's why you love me. I can make you laugh still. Hmmmm i felt for some reason that this statement contains a hidden message. Gosh i get sick of playing detective with this dude. I didn't respond but only with a smile. I've been avoiding that love word. In all im reading you should refrain from saying it to them right now. This is his third attempt to get it out of me inadvertently it seems. When do I stop avoiding it I'm wondering ? Won't it be ok at some point to share that i truly do love him ?
Now..new issue I've noticed. In the past when 
He is stressed, he's a stress eater. I have noticed that over the past week or two, he is eating the equivalent of 4-5 meals a day. 
I must admit that last evening I allowed a mere snippet of intimacy with him. Nothing heavy. ..but yet enough I will say for sake of keeping this post clean.
Immediately after his errr uhhh release...this man was eating a meat and cheese stick IN BED !! Then immediately after holding me. tight as he drifted off to sleep. I didn't say a word, just very observant. The only stressors I can see for him right now would be our marriage. So I'm thinking as White Hawk said before, his thinking wheels are turning. I hate to see him eat like this and he also said he notices he's gained about 10lbs...i told him he looks fine, but i do notice it too. Now i feel bad cause i want to help him curb his appetite, but when things or conversations get deep with us, within minutes he's eating.. it's my only indicator right now that he is thinking about it, but i feel compelled to help him. I do the opposite you see. I lose my appetite when stressed. So he often gets upset when i wont eat with him. 
Just for. work yesterday he took 2sandwiches, bag of chips, soda, bag of Werthers, 2 boxes of Goobers, and a slice of pie. All gone after a 8 hr shift. On the way to work a full size Mexican cheese dip three meat. And rice dish. Gone in a 30min commute. After work 10pc hot wing meal with fries and Soda. Thisvis becoming the norm. I've seen it many times before and he eventually gets a grip on it. Just kinda hurts that this is how he is coping. it seems with something bugging him internally. .


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Well hurry up, I'm off to bed soon! lol


:rofl: Just dropped the motherload on the thread. And i agree some prayers get answered quickly...some we have to stay steadfast about. Im trying. ..Lord knows I am.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I prayed for him on the way out tonight that God will wrap his arms around him and love him for who he is. I prayed that I don't get hurt anymore and I left it all with God. When I was on the bus, I was answering WH's post when I got the text through from H saying he was sorry and not to worry about him. My prayer had been answered  God know what we need at this time, some prayers are answered quickly, others take a little longer  I will continue to pray that he realises he needs help for his depression, but his free will may get in the way of that, lol


Yeah that good ol free will is something serious. God will prevail though thats what I keep telling myself. My expectations are low but my faith is high. ..now to only keep it that way.


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## catch22gofigure

Ok slap me in the head with a failure stick...i just sent a flirty text....uggghhh why does the send button exist? ?!!!


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## lostwithouthim

This is how my H gets when he's stressed/depressed. I must admit I do too, but it is mainly snacking between meals when I get stressed/depressed. I noticed today that my H has put on weight again, he gets it round his face and his neck and it goes on really quick as well! I think he also eats more when he's stressed/depressed. It's comfort eating you see  When we went shopping the other day, he bought himself a ready meal as a treat. It is very easy to slip into ready meals, especially when you are eating alone and it's easier than preparing a meal from scratch! I've been doing it lately and I've noticed I've stayed the same weight for ages, I'm trying to lose it at the mo. I definitely comfort eat, but I'm trying really hard to keep the weight off.
Your H said that's why you love him because he makes you laugh, but has he actually said he loves you? Men can be so self centred at times. I remember the last time my H left and after a few months he said, I'm not making any promises but I may come back. I said that maybe I won't want him back. At the time he said it, I'd moved on and really didn't want him back then. This time I'm trying to make out I've moved on, but a little piece of me is holding on. I want to get to the point where I'm not bothered if he does or he doesn't! He's got to realise that he's got a lot of fighting to do if e wants to try again! Mind you, the way things are looking lately, I don't think there'll be any sort of R any time soon. 
I am amazed and shocked by how much your H is eating! My H is overweight, but I don't think he's ever eaten that amount! I think it's more like he doesn't do any exercise than anything else. I do a lot of walking so I keep my weight down that way thank goodness  I don't drive so I have to get the bus everywhere and then walk to where I want to go to 
Do you think it's worth mentioning to him how much he's eating? I'd say something like "you seem to be eating a lot lately". Ask him if there's anything bothering at the moment, it may not be the marriage but something else. I know exactly what's bothering my H at the mo and there's nothing I can do about it! Apart from giving him money and I'm NOT going to do that! I barely have enough to live on myself and my son's respite fund is there for emergencies and a night out with the girls! Your H sounds depressed but like my H I bet he won't get any help!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> :rofl: Just dropped the motherload on the thread. And i agree some prayers get answered quickly...some we have to stay steadfast about. Im trying. ..Lord knows I am.


And I've just dropped a motherload back :rofl:


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey there Lost
> Ok my take on it. Seems somebody is starting to miss the sense of security of having a wife that will always have his back. This is something my H would do (about the dishwasher) ..almost like he's trying to display to me that he still has a say in the day to day of what is now my home. I say my instead of our home because what they have not done is established anything that solidifies they will one day be home. It is a control thing I think. How to address it correctly, im not sure.since you are doing so well as not to overly show him you want him back by any means at this point he may be trying to get a rise out of you like he has in the previous couple of interactions ro see where your head is or if these changes in you are real. I read somewhere that any reaction that we make or get from them shows something. Someone who has moved on or doesn't care will neither argue or get upset with anything you do or say. Even a negative reaction is a reaction. Do you feel you can bring up with him your disapproval of those things he is saying without blowing your plan that you are sticking to so very well. I mean if it would cause a blow up I wouldn't do it...but if he's receptive. It would be a great cornerstone for resolving that kind of confrontation again.



Yeah this is a tricky one. My x back at the start did stuff like this but back then I was prepared to be going it alone and had just had my family destroyed. So I told her point blank , well it's none of your fkg business now is it so I'll take care of my own sh1t from here thanks.

But as times gone on to the here and now and I've been thinking about R , if she says stuff now about the house or I haven't done this or I should do that in a wife sense the way she would have before all this, I think it's kinda cute. I usually have a little chuckle to myself thinking ha - well look at that , after all this she still gives a sh1t and can't help slipping into wife mode. 
I don't really bite or react much at all now - in a silent but humor way I mean , not really in a 180 way. 
I just have my chuckle now and think to myself ha, I know what you don't think I know , "your weakening " and just let her go for it. 
I reckon it's really cute now. 

But your right Catch , he's still or started again now , playing hubby. It's a good thing Lost , don't worry about it just have a little smile inside. He's missing he's hub role and thinking about you. :smthumbup:


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Yeah this is a tricky one. My x back at the start did stuff like this but back then I was prepared to be going it alone and had just had my family destroyed. So I told her point blank , well it's none of your fkg business now is it so I'll take care of my own sh1t from here thanks.
> 
> But as times gone on to the here and now and I've been thinking about R , if she says stuff now about the house or I haven't done this or I should do that in a wife sense the way she would have before all this, I think it's kinda cute. I usually have a little chuckle to myself thinking ha - well look at that , after all this she still gives a sh1t and can't help slipping into wife mode.
> I don't really bite or react much at all now - in a silent but humor way I mean , not really in a 180 way.
> I just have my chuckle now and think to myself ha, I know what you don't think I know , "your weakening " and just let her go for it.
> I reckon it's really cute now.
> 
> But your right Catch , he's still or started again now , playing hubby. It's a good thing Lost , don't worry about it just have a little smile inside. He's missing he's hub role and thinking about you. :smthumbup:


Hi WH, yes I do smile inside and think none of your damn business, lol. I do worry though that he is still thinking of selling the house, he's already said I can't keep the house clean and tidy as it's too much for me!
He's still going on about the milk being delivered! I just tell him that it's more convenient, but he does'nt like it!
I like it that you are both thinking the same thing, but if I told you about what he said about not coping with the house, would it change your thinking? speak to you soon I hope, It's 11.50 so I won't be up for much longer, lol


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> This is how my H gets when he's stressed/depressed. I must admit I do too, but it is mainly snacking between meals when I get stressed/depressed. I noticed today that my H has put on weight again, he gets it round his face and his neck and it goes on really quick as well! I think he also eats more when he's stressed/depressed. It's comfort eating you see  When we went shopping the other day, he bought himself a ready meal as a treat. It is very easy to slip into ready meals, especially when you are eating alone and it's easier than preparing a meal from scratch! I've been doing it lately and I've noticed I've stayed the same weight for ages, I'm trying to lose it at the mo. I definitely comfort eat, but I'm trying really hard to keep the weight off.
> Your H said that's why you love him because he makes you laugh, but has he actually said he loves you? Men can be so self centred at times. I remember the last time my H left and after a few months he said, I'm not making any promises but I may come back. I said that maybe I won't want him back. At the time he said it, I'd moved on and really didn't want him back then. This time I'm trying to make out I've moved on, but a little piece of me is holding on. I want to get to the point where I'm not bothered if he does or he doesn't! He's got to realise that he's got a lot of fighting to do if e wants to try again! Mind you, the way things are looking lately, I don't think there'll be any sort of R any time soon.
> I am amazed and shocked by how much your H is eating! My H is overweight, but I don't think he's ever eaten that amount! I think it's more like he doesn't do any exercise than anything else. I do a lot of walking so I keep my weight down that way thank goodness  I don't drive so I have to get the bus everywhere and then walk to where I want to go to
> Do you think it's worth mentioning to him how much he's eating? I'd say something like "you seem to be eating a lot lately". Ask him if there's anything bothering at the moment, it may not be the marriage but something else. I know exactly what's bothering my H at the mo and there's nothing I can do about it! Apart from giving him money and I'm NOT going to do that! I barely have enough to live on myself and my son's respite fund is there for emergencies and a night out with the girls! Your H sounds depressed but like my H I bet he won't get any help!



He won't say he loves you because he took off , so that would mean he was an idiot . So to save he's own face - in being an idiot , he's trying to drag it out of you instead . It's harmless don't worry , just have a chuckle to yourself and let him stew a bit more. Nothin worse than feeling like an idiot 

Yeah Lost , you gotta be careful about giving x any money like this. Remember I asked if there's anything he could want ? You have to make sure he's not just turning up or the charm on just for for food or money .
I'm still not sure about it with him.
Just like a druggo when they run out of drugs , all of a sudden they're your best friend . They'll lie , cheat , manipulate , make you think they're all nice and friendly till they con something out of somebody and then they're off.

But hey then again, when you've got some spare you could just give 50bucks and if you don't see him for dust afterwards for a few days until he comes back all nice but broke again - you'll know


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> He won't say he loves you because he took off , so that would mean he was an idiot . So to save he's own face - in being an idiot , he's trying to drag it out of you instead . It's harmless don't worry , just have a chuckle to yourself and let him stew a bit more. Nothin worse than feeling like an idiot
> 
> Yeah Lost , you gotta be careful about giving x any money like this. Remember I asked if there's anything he could want ? You have to make sure he's not just turning up or the charm on just for for food or money .
> I'm still not sure about it with him.
> Just like a druggo when they run out of drugs , all of a sudden they're your best friend . They'll lie , cheat , manipulate , make you think they're all nice and friendly till they con something out of somebody and then they're off.
> 
> But hey then again, when you've got some spare you could just give 50bucks and if you don't see him for dust afterwards for a few days until he comes back all nice but broke again - you'll know


Good idea  Unfortunately I've not got 50 bucks spare, ever! I'm still in the red in the bank and with the charges they put on each month, I'll be forever in the red!
What do you mean by I'm still not sure about him? Is that a positive statement or a negative one? I do think at the moment he is being over friendly because he wants some money and I nearly caved but I didn't  I cannot afford to give him any money, not now, not ever! Of course if he does decide to R, then apart from seeing if his honour is genuine, it'll go back to how it was before. I get more money than him and I've always paid for the food shopping and the petrol and I will continue to do so, but only if there hope of R.
Speak soon I hope


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## whitehawk

Girls , I have an issue with this not going on that trip and this is sorta what I was getting at with that stupid sitting with her thing too.
I thought of a way of putting it.

See , in our last 12mths , we didn't do anything as a family . Apart from my own stuff going on where I just needed to cut loose with friends and K after all the stress I'd been through , a bit resentful , plus the fact that x and I had become really distant too , and confused . So we just never did anything together and this was another big thing that came up when we split.

So now , if she was thinking about R , wouldn't she be looking for all that now , some changes in us and more importantly ME . And that we could start doing things as a family again , that I did wanna spend time with her again , curl up on the couch together , go places again, do stuff together again. Maybe that's why she joined in so much the other night when i was over seeing D. ?
That was very unusual through all this roller coaster. Neither of us knew how this me going over to see d was going to work. For the first few mths x started going out so I could just be with d for awhile and to not make a bad situation even awkwarder . Then she started staying home but I'd mainly just be with d. The she started talking a bit more , interacting with us a more . Then that got more and more sort of relaxed , then she started watching us a lot and checking me out more and more= she never use to do that. And to now where she's been basically as if we weren't even separated and then asks me on a 12 hour day trip.

The thing is , say I do wanna R , and say she is looking for change and signs , how the hell am I suppose to show any or do things like a a 12hour day together - like this ?
And how the hell would I meant to be normal around the friends and stuff , as if we're all just a happy family again and taking the girls somewhere . I can't do that like this and just bang - right lets try that. What after the roller coaster hell of 7mths I've just gone through and , there might even still be an om on the scene so - AS IF !

Surely she'd understand that though - wouldn't she ? I mean if we were going to start dabbling in US things again , surely it would be obvious that it's going to be very small steps , cautious , a lot of hurt interfering !


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## lostwithouthim

WH, even if you did want R I would still tale things slowly  I know when my H is around, I feel awkward as I don't know how he's going to react or what he's going to do! Mind you, mine's only been a month, so it's still very early days!
If you feel uncomfortable going on this trip , then don't go and tell her you feel uncomfortable. Easier said than done, I know!
Well I'm off to bed now as it's getting late for me  Speak soon


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> WH, even if you did want R I would still tale things slowly  I know when my H is around, I feel awkward as I don't know how he's going to react or what he's going to do! Mind you, mine's only been a month, so it's still very early days!
> If you feel uncomfortable going on this trip , then don't go and tell her you feel uncomfortable. Easier said than done, I know!
> Well I'm off to bed now as it's getting late for me  Speak soon


Thanks Lost . Has it only been a mth for you , hell we read so many stories through TAM and like it is often for you , school and stuff , it's often in a rush. They all get mixed don't they. I was thinking you'd been 6mths Lost. Hell only a mth , take it easy girl . It's best he has time to think about this and what he's doing properly . Too soon and it will only fester underneath unsettled to come back and bite you again later.

You know , with that trip and everything else I waffled on about , it's mainly about hurt , the hell she has put me through. That town stuff yeah sure it's an issue but this sickly pain I've gone through and had to watch my D go through , that is the gist of it .
You can't just roll over and bounce back after this hell .


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Girls , I have an issue with this not going on that trip and this is sorta what I was getting at with that stupid sitting with her thing too.
> I thought of a way of putting it.
> 
> See , in our last 12mths , we didn't do anything as a family . Apart from my own stuff going on where I just needed to cut loose with friends and K after all the stress I'd been through , a bit resentful , plus the fact that x and I had become really distant too , and confused . So we just never did anything together and this was another big thing that came up when we split.
> 
> So now , if she was thinking about R , wouldn't she be looking for all that now , some changes in us and more importantly ME . And that we could start doing things as a family again , that I did wanna spend time with her again , curl up on the couch together , go places again, do stuff together again. Maybe that's why she joined in so much the other night when i was over seeing D. ?
> That was very unusual through all this roller coaster. Neither of us knew how this me going over to see d was going to work. For the first few mths x started going out so I could just be with d for awhile and to not make a bad situation even awkwarder . Then she started staying home but I'd mainly just be with d. The she started talking a bit more , interacting with us a more . Then that got more and more sort of relaxed , then she started watching us a lot and checking me out more and more= she never use to do that. And to now where she's been basically as if we weren't even separated and then asks me on a 12 hour day trip.
> 
> The thing is , say I do wanna R , and say she is looking for change and signs , how the hell am I suppose to show any or do things like a a 12hour day together - like this ?
> And how the hell would I meant to be normal around the friends and stuff , as if we're all just a happy family again and taking the girls somewhere . I can't do that like this and just bang - right lets try that. What after the roller coaster hell of 7mths I've just gone through and , there might even still be an om on the scene so - AS IF !
> 
> Surely she'd understand that though - wouldn't she ? I mean if we were going to start dabbling in US things again , surely it would be obvious that it's going to be very small steps , cautious , a lot of hurt interfering !


Idk just being honest. If I was considering a R. This would seriously be a thorn in my decision. Maybe I'm not being rational with my thoughts on that right now as I am quite sensitive due to my current situations. But long story short, I'd take it as a rejection. It would cause a million different things to run through my mind about a potential R. Im sure a group of sensible adults would see that you all may just be doing it for the d. Its us in this limbo that thinks others are thinking that way a lot of the time. But again, who cares what they think. You know what you've worked hard for ...why even allow non factor people to jeopardize a set back in that ? That's a LOT of my husband's issue right now I think. And you see how I feel a lot of the time..I'm like forget it all...a lot


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> This is how my H gets when he's stressed/depressed. I must admit I do too, but it is mainly snacking between meals when I get stressed/depressed. I noticed today that my H has put on weight again, he gets it round his face and his neck and it goes on really quick as well! I think he also eats more when he's stressed/depressed. It's comfort eating you see  When we went shopping the other day, he bought himself a ready meal as a treat. It is very easy to slip into ready meals, especially when you are eating alone and it's easier than preparing a meal from scratch! I've been doing it lately and I've noticed I've stayed the same weight for ages, I'm trying to lose it at the mo. I definitely comfort eat, but I'm trying really hard to keep the weight off.
> Your H said that's why you love him because he makes you laugh, but has he actually said he loves you?


He says it often.. i just don't say it back cause 180 told me not too...lol that's what I was asking you all. Is it ok you think for me to start saying it back ?


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Idk just being honest. If I was considering a R. This would seriously be a thorn in my decision. Maybe I'm not being rational with my thoughts on that right now as I am quite sensitive due to my current situations. But long story short, I'd take it as a rejection. It would cause a million different things to run through my mind about a potential R. Im sure a group of sensible adults would see that you all may just be doing it for the d. Its us in this limbo that thinks others are thinking that way a lot of the time. But again, who cares what they think. You know what you've worked hard for ...why even allow non factor people to jeopardize a set back in that ? That's a LOT of my husband's issue right now I think. And you see how I feel a lot of the time..I'm like forget it all...a lot



Catch , are you saying you would take me not wanting to go on the trip as rejection , and not getting too close over at her place the other night as rejection?

Because if this is the way you meant it , that is exactly what I was worried about.
You see , she hurt me like you just would not believe with everything she's done but - I hurt her like you wouldn't believe too be fore we split.
See she felt very rejected then , so if she is thinking R but senses any rejection now, even with everything she'
s done since , I'm worried she might just drop any R ideas like a hot cake rather than get rejected again.
The logic of what's happened since , might not even come into it for her.


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## Finding Nemo

Good evening everyone. I was reading all of your posts and I was wondering if it would be okay for me to join you guys if even for a little while? So much of what all three of you have been experiencing is exactly what I have been through. I will give you a brief history. Husband left me 3 years ago for PA with OW. Then he came back to the marriage 3 months later. Couldn't let go of the OW and continued and EA so we stumbled and we fell. Now we are dealing with Domestic Violence on top of everything else. My husband has post traumatic syndrome now due to being 45 and never being in trouble before. I am told this is normal and it will go away with the right help. My husband is really out there with his thought process right now. However, there are several things that are perfectly clear and he swears will not be changing any time soon. 

1. He loves me beyond what I know.

2. He has a serious issue with fear right now as a result of what happened with the abuse. He is attending abuse prevention classes and counseling so hopefully this will start to change soon. 

3. He knows he wants his wife and his family and his home. Only back when we weren't allowed to talk and he didn't think I would stick around he got himself an apartment and he is stuck in a year lease now.

4. He told me that he is so scared of getting into trouble again that he would never be alone with me or sleep with again until he feels safe. He will not come to the family home and I am not invited to the apartment. I do know where the apartment is, etc. He has very little in the apartment and refuses to bring anything from the family home there. He has a bed on the floor, a desk and his computer, and a handful of dishes. He spends most of his time at work so he doesn't really need much. I am allowed at his place of work which is odd because that is where OW works as well. 

5. Ow is gone now. They got into serious trouble when his work found out what they had been doing on company time. And he is on thin ice with his boss because of the abuse charge. Also, her boyfriend finally figured out what was going on and he went on a tie rid. Now he does not want anyone else. He is so focused on his work and trying to survive while caring for two households and doing everything the courts have told him he has to do without getting himself into trouble with the courts again. 

6. We will continue to go out together with our daughter, he will also do things by himself with our daughter. 

7. He wants to spend the entire day with just our daughter and the two of us to celebrate our daughters birthday. 

8. This could take more than a year to reconcile with the courts and so until then we are not legally allowed couples counseling. 
He promises to work hard in his prevention classes so that we can move onto counseling together sooner than later. 

9. When we exchange our daughter for visits, etc...he will give me hugs and kisses and he will hold my hand while we are in public, but do not expect him to stick around if we happen to be in a situation that calls for us to be alone. Not even in crowded theater and our daughter asks to go to the bathroom. Before she would go on her own. She is going to be 13 so she can handle going by herself. Now he asks me to go with her. 

10. Divorce and mediation is off the table and no discussion is to be had about it. 

There are a lot more things that he wants, but I hope that as you can see I am experiencing a lot of what all of you are experiencing to some degree. I have an awesome support team, but I do not have family. Most of my family has died and those that are left are so troubled in their own lives that I just say Hi and Bye on the phone. We live in different states so that's really all we have. 

Oh, and one more thing...I have contact with my father in law and I tell you that man can infuriate me to no end. He's so negative and so dead set on making sure that we don't get back together because my husband also takes care of FIL, FIL's girlfriend and their two kids when he can afford to. He could do it more often I just go away. FIL had a really nasty divorce about 7 years ago and he is bitter to no end. How dare I screw my husband up like this is his thoughts. I didn't do it by myself and I do take possession of my part, but I won't accept all of it. My husband lived with him for about 2 months when we were first told me couldn't live together or contact each other. My husband said that was the main reason behind getting the apartment. Because my FIL would not let up and would not give my husband a chance to breathe or think. He would keep my husband up until 4 and 5 am and then my husband was expected at work by 7. That was after a 1 1/2 drive to get to work.

There is another reason that I mention FIL and that is because he will lie to me right to my face. I found out about my husband's apartment completely accidentally. My husband hadn't paid the gas bill so they called me looking for payment. I thought this was the OW apartment and so I called my FIL and asked him. My FIL lied and said they had the wrong person because my husband was living with him and there is no OW. He was half telling the truth. When I confronted my husband he told me the truth. My husband told me not to tell my FIL the reasons why he got the apartment. He says he wishes he had known things would start to work out for us or else he would have just stuck it out with FIL, but he was scared and not sure what to do. I can't blame him for that. My point is, never trust your in-laws or even your parents to give you advice because they will also side with their child. 

Okay, so now I am rambling, but it feels so good to know my situation is a lot like all three of yours combined. Hopefully I will have found a place to call home for a little while. I am in all kinds of counseling and I tend to bounce off the walls with my thoughts. Hopefully you three will be able to help keep me a little more stable. 

I will write more later as I have already created a hug post. 

Good luck everyone ....


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## Finding Nemo

whitehawk said:


> Catch , are you saying you would take me not wanting to go on the trip as rejection , and not getting too close over at her place the other night as rejection?
> 
> One way that you could prevent any misunderstandings is to use your words and tell her that things have to go slow for you to feel comfortable again. Explain that you are not trying to reject her, but you need to go slow. Maybe something else will come up where you might feel like you are in a better position to consider it. If she truly wants a R she will understand. If she doesn't then R for her is not in your future.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> He says it often.. i just don't say it back cause 180 told me not too...lol that's what I was asking you all. Is it ok you think for me to start saying it back ?


I mentioned the 180 to my counselor before and my counselor told me to use the 180 as a guide. Before I do anything I should ask myself, if I do that would I fell good about it tomorrow? You could consider saying something like Thank you for caring so much about me. Two things happen...you have given recognition to what he said and you have not given in to something you are not comfortable doing just yet.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> WH, even if you did want R I would still tale things slowly  I know when my H is around, I feel awkward as I don't know how he's going to react or what he's going to do! Mind you, mine's only been a month, so it's still very early days!
> 
> I have been at this for almost 5 months and there are times I can say it gets easier and then there are times where I just can't give any more and want to give up. I think you are on the right track. The key is communication. When my husband is around I know for 100% sure where we are because of his behavior and what he says to me. I ask him questions, but I don't overwhelm him with the questions. It's easier for him to answer one or two questions rather than have an entire conversation. Also, I don't want him to stop coming around because he thinks he is going to get bombarded with relationship questions. I want him to enjoy being around me. That's kind of the easy part for me. It's the rest of the week that I struggle with. He does sort of his own version of the 180 at times. Fortunately for me, I understand what he is doing and try to understand why. Some weeks I will hear from him a lot. Other times I hardly hear from him at all. He hates it if I am Mrs. Independent for too long. I just try to do my thing and do what I can to stay connected, but be myself, too. I loved your idea of working on your spare room. You aren't telling your husband he can't come home. You are doing something constructive with your time. Keep your mind busy and it will get easier to deal with the time you aren't together. That's the important part.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> He's still going on about the milk being delivered! I just tell him that it's more convenient, but he does'nt like it!





It's not his concern if you have milk delivered or not. If he lived there...okay he would be able to have some say, but he went away and left you to make your own decisions. You decided you want milk delivered. Doesn't matter either if he doesn't like the way you keep house now. He only gets the right to say something if he changes the situation and comes back home or if he felt you were tearing the house down or messing it up so badly that it become worthless. But, even then the courts might have something to say about it because if he really cared about it he would be there with it to protect it. I hope that makes sense.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Catch , are you saying you would take me not wanting to go on the trip as rejection , and not getting too close over at her place the other night as rejection?
> 
> Because if this is the way you meant it , that is exactly what I was worried about.
> You see , she hurt me like you just would not believe with everything she's done but - I hurt her like you wouldn't believe too be fore we split.
> See she felt very rejected then , so if she is thinking R but senses any rejection now, even with everything she'
> s done since , I'm worried she might just drop any R ideas like a hot cake rather than get rejected again.
> The logic of what's happened since , might not even come into it for her.


Right...see I've hurt him before too just as he's hurt. She could very well take that as you have not been able to forgive her our at least to a point of working on it if indeed she's went through the pain staking task of forgiving you. Leaving Her with a feeling of, guess this will never work. And taking your no as rejection. Especial if she knows thisi s something you would do if y'all current situation didn't exist. I could be wrong;but like i said that's how i'd feel.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Good evening everyone. I was reading all of your posts and I was wondering if it would be okay for me to join you guys if even for a little while? So much of what all three of you have been experiencing is exactly what I have been through.


We're glad to have you! Give me a minute to read all of your post and I'll comment. We welcome you Finding Nemo


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## catch22gofigure

White Hawk


Finding Nemo said:


> One way that you could prevent any
> misunderstandings is to use your words and tell
> her that things have to go slow for you to feel
> comfortable again. Explain that you are not
> trying to reject her, but you need to go slow.
> Maybe something else will come up where you
> might feel like you are in a better position to
> consider it. If she truly wants a R she will
> understand. If she doesn't then R for her is not
> in your future. /QUOTE]
> 
> :iagree: great answer ! This is the only way she will know exactly your intentions. Careful though. White Hawk. If her mindset is/was not R fueled...then the way you would it could come off as if you are expecting a R soon and spawn a R setback.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I mentioned the 180 to my counselor before and my counselor told me to use the 180 as a guide. Before I do anything I should ask myself, if I do that would I fell good about it tomorrow? You could consider saying something like Thank you for caring so much about me. Two things happen...you have given recognition to what he said and you have not given in to something you are not comfortable doing just yet.


Thanks ! Next time( if there is one) i will take this into consideration. I was at a total loss on this one


----------



## whitehawk

Finding Nemo said:


> I mentioned the 180 to my counselor before and my counselor told me to use the 180 as a guide. Before I do anything I should ask myself, if I do that would I fell good about it tomorrow? You could consider saying something like Thank you for caring so much about me. Two things happen...you have given recognition to what he said and you have not given in to something you are not comfortable doing just yet.



Damn good way of putting it Nemo. This 180 stuff is very contradicting, not to mention confusing.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> He says it often.. i just don't say it back cause 180 told me not too...lol that's what I was asking you all. Is it ok you think for me to start saying it back ?


He does , well to be honest Catch that doesn't surprise me at all . I would have read him as loving you very much actually but of course it is hard to say for sure but this , doesn't surprise me .
He's funny , he 1/2 thinks he's humoring you with all your issues and he's 1/2 rug sweeping and hoping you'll just give up and be fine again tomorrow , eventually.
At any rate , I really do think he genuinely does love you .


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Right...see I've hurt him before too just as he's hurt. She could very well take that as you have not been able to forgive her our at least to a point of working on it if indeed she's went through the pain staking task of forgiving you. Leaving Her with a feeling of, guess this will never work. And taking your no as rejection. Especial if she knows thisi s something you would do if y'all current situation didn't exist. I could be wrong;but like i said that's how i'd feel.



Uh hu . See if you could feel that way regardless then believe me , she has a lot of pride and she could to despite what she's done since - well at least I thought she might anyway.
With the sort of pride she has , if you said no she would make like oh that's no worries it was just a thought.
But inside it can really hurt her especially if you've in her eyes rejected her before.
I rang her today because she didn't reply to my text saying I didn't want to do it.
And , she was exactly as I just said - oh that's no worries , I know it's awkward , I just thought it's be nice for D. 
With her that could mean she is fine with it or it could mean she's really hurt but ain't tellin !


----------



## whitehawk

That's a good idea Nemo and something I can easily put across.
As I was saying to Catch , I actually did ring her today because I hadn't heard back from the no . 
And I did try to soften that no and explained something like what you've said. I am sorry ,I would really like to go but I just think it'd be a bit awkward like this , especially being such a long day . 
She sounded understanding about the situation but as I was just saying to Catch well !
Anyway she suggested maybe the girls could come over here for the w/end later and she might see what else she can do about going down to the fun park.
I said babe - which still slips out sometimes- you can't do that trip on your own , she's got bad eyes you see , but anyway she's thinking about it . It's a few weeks yet.


----------



## Finding Nemo

whitehawk said:


> He does , well to be honest Catch that doesn't surprise me at all . I would have read him as loving you very much actually but of course it is hard to say for sure but this , doesn't surprise me .
> He's funny , he 1/2 thinks he's humoring you with all your issues and he's 1/2 rug sweeping and hoping you'll just give up and be fine again tomorrow , eventually.
> At any rate , I really do think he genuinely does love you .


. 

I have always wondered how many people would rug sweep if issues had a physical presence like a pile of dirt that creates a mound in the rug. I would like to believe most people would eventually lift the rug and clean up the pile of dirt after they have tripped on it a dozen times or more. If life and love were only that simple, huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He says it often.. i just don't say it back cause 180 told me not too...lol that's what I was asking you all. Is it ok you think for me to start saying it back ?


If you mean it, then I would  It might be what's holding your R back  Does he mean it or is he just saying it out of habit? I know when we've been apart and my H says I love you, it means a lot


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Catch , are you saying you would take me not wanting to go on the trip as rejection , and not getting too close over at her place the other night as rejection?
> 
> Because if this is the way you meant it , that is exactly what I was worried about.
> You see , she hurt me like you just would not believe with everything she's done but - I hurt her like you wouldn't believe too be fore we split.
> See she felt very rejected then , so if she is thinking R but senses any rejection now, even with everything she'
> s done since , I'm worried she might just drop any R ideas like a hot cake rather than get rejected again.
> The logic of what's happened since , might not even come into it for her.


That is very thought provoking, they do tend to forget how much they hurt you. As I said before, do what you feel comfortable with. Don't just ring up and tell her you're not going on the trip. Explain why you're not going on the trip. It is a tricky one especially if you want R, what does your heart say? When is the trip? Perhaps you can start spending more time around there and get used to the longer times around her before you make that final decision. Does she want an answer soon or can you tell her you'll think about it? I can tell you're struggling to know what the right thing to do is and I think I would be too


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Good evening everyone. I was reading all of your posts and I was wondering if it would be okay for me to join you guys if even for a little while? So much of what all three of you have been experiencing is exactly what I have been through. I will give you a brief history. Husband left me 3 years ago for PA with OW. Then he came back to the marriage 3 months later. Couldn't let go of the OW and continued and EA so we stumbled and we fell. Now we are dealing with Domestic Violence on top of everything else. My husband has post traumatic syndrome now due to being 45 and never being in trouble before. I am told this is normal and it will go away with the right help. My husband is really out there with his thought process right now. However, there are several things that are perfectly clear and he swears will not be changing any time soon.
> 
> 1. He loves me beyond what I know.
> 
> 2. He has a serious issue with fear right now as a result of what happened with the abuse. He is attending abuse prevention classes and counseling so hopefully this will start to change soon.
> 
> 3. He knows he wants his wife and his family and his home. Only back when we weren't allowed to talk and he didn't think I would stick around he got himself an apartment and he is stuck in a year lease now.
> 
> 4. He told me that he is so scared of getting into trouble again that he would never be alone with me or sleep with again until he feels safe. He will not come to the family home and I am not invited to the apartment. I do know where the apartment is, etc. He has very little in the apartment and refuses to bring anything from the family home there. He has a bed on the floor, a desk and his computer, and a handful of dishes. He spends most of his time at work so he doesn't really need much. I am allowed at his place of work which is odd because that is where OW works as well.
> 
> 5. Ow is gone now. They got into serious trouble when his work found out what they had been doing on company time. And he is on thin ice with his boss because of the abuse charge. Also, her boyfriend finally figured out what was going on and he went on a tie rid. Now he does not want anyone else. He is so focused on his work and trying to survive while caring for two households and doing everything the courts have told him he has to do without getting himself into trouble with the courts again.
> 
> 6. We will continue to go out together with our daughter, he will also do things by himself with our daughter.
> 
> 7. He wants to spend the entire day with just our daughter and the two of us to celebrate our daughters birthday.
> 
> 8. This could take more than a year to reconcile with the courts and so until then we are not legally allowed couples counseling.
> He promises to work hard in his prevention classes so that we can move onto counseling together sooner than later.
> 
> 9. When we exchange our daughter for visits, etc...he will give me hugs and kisses and he will hold my hand while we are in public, but do not expect him to stick around if we happen to be in a situation that calls for us to be alone. Not even in crowded theater and our daughter asks to go to the bathroom. Before she would go on her own. She is going to be 13 so she can handle going by herself. Now he asks me to go with her.
> 
> 10. Divorce and mediation is off the table and no discussion is to be had about it.
> 
> There are a lot more things that he wants, but I hope that as you can see I am experiencing a lot of what all of you are experiencing to some degree. I have an awesome support team, but I do not have family. Most of my family has died and those that are left are so troubled in their own lives that I just say Hi and Bye on the phone. We live in different states so that's really all we have.
> 
> Oh, and one more thing...I have contact with my father in law and I tell you that man can infuriate me to no end. He's so negative and so dead set on making sure that we don't get back together because my husband also takes care of FIL, FIL's girlfriend and their two kids when he can afford to. He could do it more often I just go away. FIL had a really nasty divorce about 7 years ago and he is bitter to no end. How dare I screw my husband up like this is his thoughts. I didn't do it by myself and I do take possession of my part, but I won't accept all of it. My husband lived with him for about 2 months when we were first told me couldn't live together or contact each other. My husband said that was the main reason behind getting the apartment. Because my FIL would not let up and would not give my husband a chance to breathe or think. He would keep my husband up until 4 and 5 am and then my husband was expected at work by 7. That was after a 1 1/2 drive to get to work.
> 
> There is another reason that I mention FIL and that is because he will lie to me right to my face. I found out about my husband's apartment completely accidentally. My husband hadn't paid the gas bill so they called me looking for payment. I thought this was the OW apartment and so I called my FIL and asked him. My FIL lied and said they had the wrong person because my husband was living with him and there is no OW. He was half telling the truth. When I confronted my husband he told me the truth. My husband told me not to tell my FIL the reasons why he got the apartment. He says he wishes he had known things would start to work out for us or else he would have just stuck it out with FIL, but he was scared and not sure what to do. I can't blame him for that. My point is, never trust your in-laws or even your parents to give you advice because they will also side with their child.
> 
> Okay, so now I am rambling, but it feels so good to know my situation is a lot like all three of yours combined. Hopefully I will have found a place to call home for a little while. I am in all kinds of counseling and I tend to bounce off the walls with my thoughts. Hopefully you three will be able to help keep me a little more stable.
> 
> I will write more later as I have already created a hug post.
> 
> Good luck everyone ....


Welcome to our little group  We always welcome new members as they give us a fresh insight as to what's going on in our lives. Sounds like you've had a rough deal, but it also sounds like you are doing all the right things  I'm sure you've been told this before, but you need to distance yourself from your FIL. I've had to do that with my MIL, we've always had a strong relationship, but you're right she will always side with her son. I get more upset after I've spoken to her and even though she's said she doesn't want to talk about what's going on she always brings it up! I have to steer the conversation away from my H and so now I don't bother. We used to talk nearly every day on the phone, but now I'm lucky if we speak once a week!
It's such a shame that your FIL doesn't want you both to get back together  Maybe if you do get to talk to him again, you can start trying to win him over. Try to avoid talking about the situation with you and your partner and ask how he is. Everytime he talks about the situation, change the subject. Everyone likes to talk about themselves! You need to try and get him back on side and accept you back into the family 
Hope to see you on here soon


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> It's not his concern if you have milk delivered or not. If he lived there...okay he would be able to have some say, but he went away and left you to make your own decisions. You decided you want milk delivered. Doesn't matter either if he doesn't like the way you keep house now. He only gets the right to say something if he changes the situation and comes back home or if he felt you were tearing the house down or messing it up so badly that it become worthless. But, even then the courts might have something to say about it because if he really cared about it he would be there with it to protect it. I hope that makes sense.


I agree, but I have problems with confrontation. I can't seem to say what I think without getting into rant mode! This is all because of my mum who likes to control me and I find it hard to confront her. I will try to just ignore him when he says things about the milk or the house. He tends to look for negative stuff to say to me and I think this is part of his depression. Either that or he's trying to get me to not care about him anymore. I can't do that at the moment as it's still only been a month.
I am worried about the house and need to get advice on this, but I only get one day off college and always have a full day with doctor's appt, life coach appt, etc. I can't take time off college at the moment because it goes against me if I want to go on the level 3 course in September. I've got a week's holiday coming up so I'll be able to go then


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> If you mean it, then I would  It might be what's holding your R back  Does he mean it or is he just saying it out of habit? I know when we've been apart and my H says I love you, it means a lot


Oops , caught me rushing through again . Don't know to be honest. 
Personally , I certainly wouldn't be throwing it at him. I'd be hoping for some sort of serious time for when you two finally get down to the actual issues .
Because for a start , he moved out on you. 
But the other thing is , if you want him to actually think about the issues , talk to you and at least try to do something about them , then he needs to know your serious about all this and that also , he can't just treat you like sh1t and move out and your just fine with it.
Gotta make him squirm a bit and work in other words.
Hope that makes sense


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> That is very thought provoking, they do tend to forget how much they hurt you. As I said before, do what you feel comfortable with. Don't just ring up and tell her you're not going on the trip. Explain why you're not going on the trip. It is a tricky one especially if you want R, what does your heart say? When is the trip? Perhaps you can start spending more time around there and get used to the longer times around her before you make that final decision. Does she want an answer soon or can you tell her you'll think about it? I can tell you're struggling to know what the right thing to do is and I think I would be too



Thanks lost , it's not for another 5 wks yet but it was eating at me so much I text her last night. Told her basically all the reasons why it'd just be too weird right now and I wouldn't feel right about it.
But your right , I could still change my mind if things took a turn meantime.
Decided I might bring it up next time I see her and see if a bit of conversation about starts , maybe she'll tell me stuff or give more clues.

ps , talking of rug sweeping , that's how she works. If your gonna hear something important there's no way she'll just come and tell you.
But if you lucky she does often just slips them into conversation - it's an art form !


----------



## whitehawk

Catch btw , my x is a serious rug sweeper. She's also very proud and - she never , just comes out with stuff you need to know.
She'll talk a brick out of a wall but you can bet if it's something touchy , or something you really need to know or hear , well your probably not going to unless you drag it out of her.
Even dropping 20 hints , your probably still not gonna hear it unless you drag it out.
But with her rug sweeping , she might not admit to something or even deny it . But usually a few days later , a week even two she might have digested it and quiety start trying to do something about.
But if you said something about that later , she'd deny it. Pride I think.

But you know what , I sort of think in a way she just doesn't think of the sort of things . Like we all talk and think about different things and with her it was often like she just didn't even think about some things. So if you said something , she really had to work at it because they just weren't things she even thought about.


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree, but I have problems with confrontation. I can't seem to say what I think without getting into rant mode! This is all because of my mum who likes to control me and I find it hard to confront her. I will try to just ignore him when he says things about the milk or the house. He tends to look for negative stuff to say to me and I think this is part of his depression. Either that or he's trying to get me to not care about him anymore. I can't do that at the moment as it's still only been a month.
> I am worried about the house and need to get advice on this, but I only get one day off college and always have a full day with doctor's appt, life coach appt, etc. I can't take time off college at the moment because it goes against me if I want to go on the level 3 course in September. I've got a week's holiday coming up so I'll be able to go then


Yeah I agree too.
Sometimes people just can't resist butting in to or maybe to with a lot of it 1 , he doesn't agree with the idea - but that doesn't matter he left or two , he still feels it's his turf , somem he use to look after or do different ways.
My x laughs at the way I do a lot of the stuff round here now - nothin like she use to.
Sometimes she says something and if it's on an off day I might say well , it's hardly your problem anymore is it. Good day I'll have a chuckle to myself.

The one that really makes me laugh is when I catch her checkin out the bedrooms or around the place somewhere.


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Oops , caught me rushing through again . Don't know to be honest.
> Personally , I certainly wouldn't be throwing it at him. I'd be hoping for some sort of serious time for when you two finally get down to the actual issues .
> Because for a start , he moved out on you.
> But the other thing is , if you want him to actually think about the issues , talk to you and at least try to do something about them , then he needs to know your serious about all this and that also , he can't just treat you like sh1t and move out and your just fine with it.
> Gotta make him squirm a bit and work in other words.
> Hope that makes sense


WH, I think you misunderstood what I meant. I was replying to Catch's question about whether she would said I love you to her husband. My H hasn't said anything like that this time, it was the last time he left about 12 years ago and he was yoyoing back and forth to my place. One of the times he said "I love you" over the phone and I just sat there with a big smile on my face. He was so impatient though he thought I was ignoring him and said well don't you love me back! I said to him yes of course but i'm sat here with a big smile on my face. He didn't pay attention as he's already gone into rant mode! I know how to treat him now WH, I've got experience, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

Ok my update for the day - I was wrestling with my conscious about whether or not to give my H any money to tied him over for a little while. Especially after what WH said about if I've got 50 bucks spare. My heart ruled my head on this occasion and I phoned him this morning to let him know that I'll give him a bit of money, but I can't afford to do it regular as I can't afford it.
He came round this morning, had some toast for his breakfast and then drove me down to the doctors as I had yet another appt! He took me shopping and then drove me back home after. He stopped for lunch and has only just left! We've had a chat as well, nothing serious but I think I've put a large love deposit in his account today.
rightly or wrongly I felt I had to give him some money. My conscious wouldn't allow me to do anything else! I'm really very sensitive and I often let my heart rule my head. If I really couldn't afford to give him any, then I wouldn't have done but as it was we had some spare cash in the joint account.
Hopefully I'll get the book I ordered soon and then I can pass on some useful advice and see where it leads me. I need some direction at this time, spiritual wise. Hopefully the book will give me what I need


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> He does , well to be honest Catch that doesn't surprise me at all . I would have read him as loving you very much actually but of course it is hard to say for sure but this , doesn't surprise me .
> He's funny , he 1/2 thinks he's humoring you with all your issues and he's 1/2 rug sweeping and hoping you'll just give up and be fine again tomorrow , eventually.
> At any rate , I really do think he genuinely does love you .


Yep you hit the nail on the head. I am finding humor hard at this point with dude. I mean we have a good time together a lot. But if he is not working on anything. ..nothing at all living day to day as if all is fine...i cant help but be 1/2 hearted with him. Do you think im being too stubborn or not allowing us to move forward by holding onto what got us here not being addressed. Or should I allow him to continue to get closer in his own way....then once a possible R is established (he still hasn't mentioned it ) work on these things ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Uh hu . See if you could feel that way regardless then believe me , she has a lot of pride and she could to despite what she's done since - well at least I thought she might anyway.
> With the sort of pride she has , if you said no she would make like oh that's no worries it was just a thought.
> But inside it can really hurt her especially if you've in her eyes rejected her before.
> I rang her today because she didn't reply to my text saying I didn't want to do it.
> And , she was exactly as I just said - oh that's no worries , I know it's awkward , I just thought it's be nice for D.
> With her that could mean she is fine with it or it could mean she's really hurt but ain't tellin !


Yep.. that pride and not showing that you've hurt my pride is me to a T ! She agreeing with you to mask her hurt or rejection feelings, as in her mind showing you that you hurt her feelings is a weakness to us. No strong, pride filled woman wants to ever show you that.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yep you hit the nail on the head. I am finding humor hard at this point with dude. I mean we have a good time together a lot. But if he is not working on anything. ..nothing at all living day to day as if all is fine...i cant help but be 1/2 hearted with him. Do you think im being too stubborn or not allowing us to move forward by holding onto what got us here not being addressed. Or should I allow him to continue to get closer in his own way....then once a possible R is established (he still hasn't mentioned it ) work on these things ?


Go with your heart Catch, God will be there with you every step of the way  The way I see it is if God wants you to do something, you'll struggle not to do it - like I did this morning with the money! I'm sure that was God's influence on me. I felt like Jonah this morning, I didn't want to do it but God was saying "yes you do!". Today I wanted to say to my H that I wish I had known what I know now and I could turn back the clock to the start of the last 4 years, but I was couldn't. I think God was holding me back


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> If you mean it, then I would  It might be what's holding your R back  Does he mean it or is he just saying it out of habit? I know when we've been apart and my H says I love you, it means a lot


I feel he means it and i know I do as well. It's just the limbo. There is still no real talk about R ...just day to day for us. Do I have began to question if love is something that I should keep out of my vocab in an effort to ease my moving on. Mind you before the separation, we both stopped saying it months before..


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yep.. that pride and not showing that you've hurt my pride is me to a T ! She agreeing with you to mask her hurt or rejection feelings, as in her mind showing you that you hurt her feelings is a weakness to us. No strong, pride filled woman wants to ever show you that.


I know what you mean about female pride Catch. Like I said I didn't want my H to know how much hurt he had caused me  I have to be strong especially when I'm with him and sometimes I find it hard to be strong with him when all I want to do is be emotional with him. I don't think it'll work at the moment though as he's not in that position to be emotional back to me! We have some awkward moments, especially when he is talking about intimate stuff with me. I don't think he's doing it to turn me on, but he's just trying to work out what went wrong for both of us (maybe!) and what makes me tick. We've done more talking over the last month than we have had for ages and I'm starting to open up to him, but I'm not quite there yet! I don't really want to talk about intimacy with him at the mo, what's the point! That's the way I feel at the mo as for me any R is a long way off yet!


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Go with your heart Catch, God will be there with you every step of the way  The way I see it is if God wants you to do something, you'll struggle not to do it - like I did this morning with the money! I'm sure that was God's influence on me. I felt like Jonah this morning, I didn't want to do it but God was saying "yes you do!". Today I wanted to say to my H that I wish I had known what I know now and I could turn back the clock to the start of the last 4 years, but I was couldn't. I think God was holding me back


Great advice Lost I can relate to that. Im going into deep meditation today on some things that are weighing far to heavy on my mind and heart, this is one of them.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I feel he means it and i know I do as well. It's just the limbo. There is still no real talk about R ...just day to day for us. Do I have began to question if love is something that I should keep out of my vocab in an effort to ease my moving on. Mind you before the separation, we both stopped saying it months before..


I never stopped saying it, but H had to be prompted all the time to say it and that's what hurt me! When we did used to say it, it did become a habit and when I was forcing him to say it, then he probably felt I was smothering him!


----------



## catch22gofigure

​


whitehawk said:


> That's a good idea Nemo and something I can easily put across.
> As I was saying to Catch , I actually did ring her today because I hadn't heard back from the no .
> And I did try to soften that no and explained something like what you've said. I am sorry ,I would really like to go but I just think it'd be a bit awkward like this , especially being such a long day .
> She sounded understanding about the situation but as I was just saying to Catch well !
> Anyway she suggested maybe the girls could come over here for the w/end later and she might see what else she can do about going down to the fun park.
> I said babe - which still slips out sometimes- you can't do that trip on your own , she's got bad eyes you see , but anyway she's thinking about it . It's a few weeks yet.


You think your answer may possibly change over these few weeks ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Ok my update for the day - I was wrestling with my conscious about whether or not to give my H any money to tied him over for a little while. Especially after what WH said about if I've got 50 bucks spare. My heart ruled my head on this occasion and I phoned him this morning to let him know that I'll give him a bit of money, but I can't afford to do it regular as I can't afford it.
> He came round this morning, had some toast for his breakfast and then drove me down to the doctors as I had yet another appt! He took me shopping and then drove me back home after. He stopped for lunch and has only just left! We've had a chat as well, nothing serious but I think I've put a large love deposit in his account today.
> rightly or wrongly I felt I had to give him some money. My conscious wouldn't allow me to do anything else! I'm really very sensitive and I often let my heart rule my head. If I really couldn't afford to give him any, then I wouldn't have done but as it was we had some spare cash in the joint account.
> Hopefully I'll get the book I ordered soon and then I can pass on some useful advice and see where it leads me. I need some direction at this time, spiritual wise. Hopefully the book will give me what I need


I think its fine that you gave him some money. After all this is still your husband. True I wouldn't make a habit of it...but nothing wrong with a lil help for him. Then it's good to hear that you all spent some good time together too. How does his depression seem to be today ?


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I think its fine that you gave him some money. After all this is still your husband. True I wouldn't make a habit of it...but nothing wrong with a lil help for him. Then it's good to hear that you all spent some good time together too. How does his depression seem to be today ?


Well once I'd given him some money, his mood lifted  Lack of money is one of the things that brings him down! Yes it was a nice day today, but I'm not expecting it to be a habit!


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I never stopped saying it, but H had to be prompted all the time to say it and that's what hurt me! When we did used to say it, it did become a habit and when I was forcing him to say it, then he probably felt I was smothering him!


It got to that habit point a time or two with us too. We corrected it. But before our split. I stopped andhe did too.then randomly now for no specific reason he'll say. I love you. I be stuck looking like this:wtf: and have once or twice said something harmful like no you don't. Ya know maybe i just had an epiphany in writing this post :
What if I just have to trick my possibly hardened heart? Maybe I can't see that he loves me because i've been so hurt before. ..maybe he's been somewhat catching the blunt of it and since he can't express himself, doesn't know how to deal with or fix i. So maybe...if I just "act" as if nothing ever happened. At leasttil i can get him to where he is relaxed and open as he can be...then suggest MC ?? Hmmm at least giving it a trial run. (2 weeks) I guess. Cause i must admit...i've got some issues too. But still implementing some 180 the things that are working for me. Just assume the role of wife ,again. Because i've been acting a bit distant and as if he is not cordial and receptive to me and he has been. So lets see how this may go. 

Sorry lost but I had to get that one out before I forget it....lol


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> WH, I think you misunderstood what I meant. I was replying to Catch's question about whether she would said I love you to her husband. My H hasn't said anything like that this time, it was the last time he left about 12 years ago and he was yoyoing back and forth to my place. One of the times he said "I love you" over the phone and I just sat there with a big smile on my face. He was so impatient though he thought I was ignoring him and said well don't you love me back! I said to him yes of course but i'm sat here with a big smile on my face. He didn't pay attention as he's already gone into rant mode! I know how to treat him now WH, I've got experience, lol



Na that's what I was referring to too lost. Probably should have used her post to save some confusion though. I was in a hurry again


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> It got to that habit point a time or two with us too. We corrected it. But before our split. I stopped andhe did too.then randomly now for no specific reason he'll say. I love you. I be stuck looking like this:wtf: and have once or twice said something harmful like no you don't. Ya know maybe i just had an epiphany in writing this post :
> What if I just have to trick my possibly hardened heart? Maybe I can't see that he loves me because i've been so hurt before. ..maybe he's been somewhat catching the blunt of it and since he can't express himself, doesn't know how to deal with or fix i. So maybe...if I just "act" as if nothing ever happened. At leasttil i can get him to where he is relaxed and open as he can be...then suggest MC ?? Hmmm at least giving it a trial run. (2 weeks) I guess. Cause i must admit...i've got some issues too. But still implementing some 180 the things that are working for me. Just assume the role of wife ,again. Because i've been acting a bit distant and as if he is not cordial and receptive to me and he has been. So lets see how this may go.
> 
> Sorry lost but I had to get that one out before I forget it....lol



Would he go to MC Catch ? If he would that'd be a great idea . Let them drag at him for awhile.
What you said could well be true also about him possibly not even knowing how to deal with it.
I've suspected that right through but have been hoping a bit of 180ing might force him into thinking about it enough to figure some of it out.
This stuff is a long the lines of what I was saying about my x, sometimes she just wouldn't know or see it either because she just wouldn't think that way.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Would he go to MC Catch ? If he would that'd be a great idea . Let them drag at him for awhile.
> What you said could well be true also about him possibly not even knowing how to deal with it.
> I've suspected that right through but have been hoping a bit of 180ing might force him into thinking about it enough to figure some of it out.
> This stuff is a long the lines of what I was saying about my x, sometimes she just wouldn't know or see it either because she just wouldn't think that way.


No...well idk. I know in the past he does not have any interest in it. I haven't asked this time. Remember he told me he's. done. But steady trying to adore me otherwise it seems. So far I i have not heard him say anything about a possible R . But when i do try and talk about us , he defends the fact he loves me, that there is nobody else, asks why am I thinking this way or that about us as my thinking is wrong in how he truly feels. So im like why would he even bother with it if he is done ? Wouldn't he just be like look, its over. Why contact me for anything other than the kids this morning he's called twice already. We talked hours after he got off last night. Every break while he was at work. Were together all day yesterday until he left for work. All by his initiation. 
Yeahhhh, 
I think imma give it a run. Just as until I see what behaviors it produces. If I see things going sour....i can always stop. Don't you wish they could at least learn to think outside the box on just a few things ? Sure would make life easier. Wishful thinking I'm sure.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> ​
> You think your answer may possibly change over these few weeks ?



Maybe , if it was about R and om was long gone . If all is still the same with her though , om , separation , forget it !


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> It got to that habit point a time or two with us too. We corrected it. But before our split. I stopped andhe did too.then randomly now for no specific reason he'll say. I love you. I be stuck looking like this:wtf: and have once or twice said something harmful like no you don't. Ya know maybe i just had an epiphany in writing this post :
> What if I just have to trick my possibly hardened heart? Maybe I can't see that he loves me because i've been so hurt before. ..maybe he's been somewhat catching the blunt of it and since he can't express himself, doesn't know how to deal with or fix i. So maybe...if I just "act" as if nothing ever happened. At leasttil i can get him to where he is relaxed and open as he can be...then suggest MC ?? Hmmm at least giving it a trial run. (2 weeks) I guess. Cause i must admit...i've got some issues too. But still implementing some 180 the things that are working for me. Just assume the role of wife ,again. Because i've been acting a bit distant and as if he is not cordial and receptive to me and he has been. So lets see how this may go.
> 
> Sorry lost but I had to get that one out before I forget it....lol


That sounds like a good idea to me  See how it goes, but don't forget to take things slowly. We need reminding all the while to do this, lol


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Ok my update for the day - I was wrestling with my conscious about whether or not to give my H any money to tied him over for a little while. Especially after what WH said about if I've got 50 bucks spare. My heart ruled my head on this occasion and I phoned him this morning to let him know that I'll give him a bit of money, but I can't afford to do it regular as I can't afford it.
> He came round this morning, had some toast for his breakfast and then drove me down to the doctors as I had yet another appt! He took me shopping and then drove me back home after. He stopped for lunch and has only just left! We've had a chat as well, nothing serious but I think I've put a large love deposit in his account today.
> rightly or wrongly I felt I had to give him some money. My conscious wouldn't allow me to do anything else! I'm really very sensitive and I often let my heart rule my head. If I really couldn't afford to give him any, then I wouldn't have done but as it was we had some spare cash in the joint account.
> Hopefully I'll get the book I ordered soon and then I can pass on some useful advice and see where it leads me. I need some direction at this time, spiritual wise. Hopefully the book will give me what I need



Ahh , don't worry about it Lost no biggie . As Catch said anyway who could blame you.
Any way , he didn't grab it and run . Drove you everywhere and helped out a bit . Sounds like he genuinely wanted to spend some time with you . Nice one.


----------



## catch22gofigure

I'm gonna try and keep it simple and slow...praying real hard. It's so much easier to give up....whyyyy am i even giving this thought again ? Imma try though..im gonna try...:scratchhead:


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Yep you hit the nail on the head. I am finding humor hard at this point with dude. I mean we have a good time together a lot. But if he is not working on anything. ..nothing at all living day to day as if all is fine...i cant help but be 1/2 hearted with him. Do you think im being too stubborn or not allowing us to move forward by holding onto what got us here not being addressed. Or should I allow him to continue to get closer in his own way....then once a possible R is established (he still hasn't mentioned it ) work on these things ?



Gees Catch , it's such a tough call. I mean yeah he's male but hey we're still all different just like you guys .
Like it'd be a real shame to just rug sweep again , it'll only frustrate you again later . 
But at the same time I know how tough it is. I also get the 180 issues and him tensing up . A full 180 would do exactly that to my x too that's why I never use it. I have switched it on and of with her a bit though just to show that I am not fkg happy at times . I tend to be a bout a 120-150 , few sneaky love deposits thrown into the mix. Seems to get the best interaction for us considering the circumstances . But like I can't just be normal , our stuff and the hurt has just been too big and besides , she was seeing someone else.
I've softened a bit with her this last wk to though as she's been reaching out more and plus the day trip thing.

In your case , 180's , I don't know . They do say it takes time but if you feel it's actually damaging things ! what about a 120 or 30 , she still ain't happy with the situation but she's a bit warmer and getting him to MC . I've never been but I guess they'd be experienced in dragging it out ?


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Yep.. that pride and not showing that you've hurt my pride is me to a T ! She agreeing with you to mask her hurt or rejection feelings, as in her mind showing you that you hurt her feelings is a weakness to us. No strong, pride filled woman wants to ever show you that.



Hmm , sounds a lot like someone I know let me tell ya. That's a worry.
See , the reason this matters is that this has taken 7mths of the most painful and hardest times of I know my life that's for sure but from what she's said , regardless of her doing this , hers too.

So if this week has been her reaching out it would take absolutely nothing to turn her again at this stage and it probably won't be back if that happened. There's just been too much hurt involved.
Like she'd know damn well I won't be falling at her feet anytime soon it's not that , you just wouldn't wanna go rejecting her at the same time.


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I know what you mean about female pride Catch. Like I said I didn't want my H to know how much hurt he had caused me  I have to be strong especially when I'm with him and sometimes I find it hard to be strong with him when all I want to do is be emotional with him. I don't think it'll work at the moment though as he's not in that position to be emotional back to me! We have some awkward moments, especially when he is talking about intimate stuff with me. I don't think he's doing it to turn me on, but he's just trying to work out what went wrong for both of us (maybe!) and what makes me tick. We've done more talking over the last month than we have had for ages and I'm starting to open up to him, but I'm not quite there yet! I don't really want to talk about intimacy with him at the mo, what's the point! That's the way I feel at the mo as for me any R is a long way off yet!



And you go with your heart too Lost if that's the way you feel.
He sounds like he is digging away at it though Lost , that's a really good sign.
If he didn't give a sh!t he wouldn't be bothering with that and especially intimacy talk , no way.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I feel he means it and i know I do as well. It's just the limbo. There is still no real talk about R ...just day to day for us. Do I have began to question if love is something that I should keep out of my vocab in an effort to ease my moving on. Mind you before the separation, we both stopped saying it months before..



But we all do get slack in the love department Catch , hard not to after years and years . You shouldn't harden that heart just yet , you guys still have real hope if you want it.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> No...well idk. I know in the past he does not have any interest in it. I haven't asked this time. Remember he told me he's. done. But steady trying to adore me otherwise it seems. So far I i have not heard him say anything about a possible R . But when i do try and talk about us , he defends the fact he loves me, that there is nobody else, asks why am I thinking this way or that about us as my thinking is wrong in how he truly feels. So im like why would he even bother with it if he is done ? Wouldn't he just be like look, its over. Why contact me for anything other than the kids this morning he's called twice already. We talked hours after he got off last night. Every break while he was at work. Were together all day yesterday until he left for work. All by his initiation.
> Yeahhhh,
> I think imma give it a run. Just as until I see what behaviors it produces. If I see things going sour....i can always stop. Don't you wish they could at least learn to think outside the box on just a few things ? Sure would make life easier. Wishful thinking I'm sure.



Done one minute , sounds like he thinks he effd up the next. He's thinking he does love you too much to go anywhere now I think.
But I must stress the I think bit though , so many contradictions with him.


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> But we all do get slack in the love department Catch , hard not to after years and years . You shouldn't harden that heart just yet , you guys still have real hope if you want it.


I agree  The thing is when you've been married a long time you get stuck in a rut. I saw a friend yesterday who was moaning about her H, how they never did anything any more and how she isn't in the mood for intimate moments. Alarm bells started ringing and I told her she needed to get her marriage back on track before it's too late. She said she wasn't bothered if he left, but I said believe me you will! How many times have we all said oh I wish he/she would leave, but when it does happen we are devastated! I only hope she listens to me and listens to the advice I've given her! I read somewhere that you married that person for a reason and you were in love once upon a time and you can be in love with that person again!
I told her about the love deposits and she thought it was a great idea! I also told her about the love dares book. How I wish I'd known about all this beforehand, things might be different now! I suppose though that God wanted us to go through this so that our marriage can end up stronger than before, if there is to be a R. Also I can now give people real advice if I've been through it  God always has a plan for us


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Gees Catch , it's such a tough call. I mean yeah he's male but hey we're still all different just like you guys .
> Like it'd be a real shame to just rug sweep again , it'll only frustrate you again later .
> But at the same time I know how tough it is. I also get the 180 issues and him tensing up . A full 180 would do exactly that to my x too that's why I never use it. I have switched it on and of with her a bit though just to show that I am not fkg happy at times . I tend to be a bout a 120-150 , few sneaky love deposits thrown into the mix. Seems to get the best interaction for us considering the circumstances . But like I can't just be normal , our stuff and the hurt has just been too big and besides , she was seeing someone else.
> I've softened a bit with her this last wk to though as she's been reaching out more and plus the day trip thing.
> 
> In your case , 180's , I don't know . They do say it takes time but if you feel it's actually damaging things ! what about a 120 or 30 , she still ain't happy with the situation but she's a bit warmer and getting him to MC . I've never been but I guess they'd be experienced in dragging it out ?


Yep we are so in the same boat with this. He's on his way over now. Let's see how this goes with me being "all wifey like " he wants some advice on career stuff..


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> But we all do get slack in the love department Catch , hard not to after years and years . You shouldn't harden that heart just yet , you guys still have real hope if you want it.


I think somehow ive already hardened it. Im trying to find out how to undo that now


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm gonna try and keep it simple and slow...praying real hard. It's so much easier to give up....whyyyy am i even giving this thought again ? Imma try though..im gonna try...:scratchhead:




In my opinion there is a good reason why you are thinking about it and haven't given up. It's because all hope has not been lost and you are just dangling in the wind trying to figure out the best way to solve the issues. You have so much going for you right now that I would give anything to have even 1/2 of it. I read about how much contact you have with your husband and it makes me soo jealous. I received a text from my husband a bit ago and that's the first contact that I have had with him since Wednesday. My counselor sees what little contact I have with my husband as being a positive thing. I can't imagine how much more positive it is to have the contact that you have.

I would try to go to IC or MC if you can. Even if your husband is dragging his feet about it there is a way to get him to possibly see things differently. I started going to an IC first. Then after a few sessions I went to my husband and asked him if he would meet with the counselor for just one session. I wanted him to meet with the counselor all by himself so that he felt free to express his thoughts on what was going on between us. I wanted him to see that I wasn't just sitting there bad mouthing him and making him out to be some kind of evil person. I also wanted to make him feel like he was an important part of the solution. My husband found that it was nothing like he was expecting and he was the one who asked if he could keep coming back with me. Maybe you could give this a try and see if you can build off of what you already have going for you?

Even if it does'n't work, I guarantee you will feel better about any of the choices that you need to make.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> don't forget to take things slowly.



Thanks so much for posting this today. I really needed this reminder. I am an incredibly strong person and I can be patient beyond what amazes people, but today I am feeling ever so impatient and I just want to be able to move forward and start living life with my family again. It's been a day of feeling sorry for myself and hurting because I can't have what I want right this moment. Every day I am reminded by someone that I need patience and I need understanding with my husband. I have it in me, but let me tell you some days the little girl in me stomps her feet and cries and whines....Give it to me NOOOOOW!!! LOL.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> In my opinion there is a good reason why you are thinking about it and haven't given up. It's because all hope has not been lost and you are just dangling in the wind trying to figure out the best way to solve the issues. You have so much going for you right now that I would give anything to have even 1/2 of it. I read about how much contact you have with your husband and it makes me soo jealous. I received a text from my husband a bit ago and that's the first contact that I have had with him since Wednesday. My counselor sees what little contact I have with my husband as being a positive thing. I can't imagine how much more positive it is to have the contact that you have.
> 
> I would try to go to IC or MC if you can. Even if your husband is dragging his feet about it there is a way to get him to possibly see things differently. I started going to an IC first. Then after a few sessions I went to my husband and asked him if he would meet with the counselor for just one session. I wanted him to meet with the counselor all by himself so that he felt free to express his thoughts on what was going on between us. I wanted him to see that I wasn't just sitting there bad mouthing him and making him out to be some kind of evil person. I also wanted to make him feel like he was an important part of the solution. My husband found that it was nothing like he was expecting and he was the one who asked if he could keep coming back with me. Maybe you could give this a try and see if you can build off of what you already have going for you?
> 
> Even if it does'n't work, I guarantee you will feel better about any of the choices that you need to make.


That's a brilliant idea about the counselling, I never thought of that before


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Thanks so much for posting this today. I really needed this reminder. I am an incredibly strong person and I can be patient beyond what amazes people, but today I am feeling ever so impatient and I just want to be able to move forward and start living life with my family again. It's been a day of feeling sorry for myself and hurting because I can't have what I want right this moment. Every day I am reminded by someone that I need patience and I need understanding with my husband. I have it in me, but let me tell you some days the little girl in me stomps her feet and cries and whines....Give it to me NOOOOOW!!! LOL.


lol we all need reminding to take things slowly and have patience  We're only human and patience is a swear word for us, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

Another update! I rang MIL, don't tell me off WH, lol! I wasn't even going to mention H, but MIL brought it up as to why I won't tell my mum and dad. She said I'll get more support off them then I would off her. I told her that I didn't ring up to talk about my H, I rang up for a chat to see how everyone was. She did apologise but did say she wants me to toughen up.When I talked about R, she said don't bank on it! She said he's happier now than he's ever been and enjoys his own company. Now as you know that's not the impression my H gives me! When I confronted my MIL about this, she said she hasn't spoken to him for a while but that's the impression she gets with him. Those comments really make may blood go cold! I know I shouldn't ring my MIL, but they've become part of my family and it's not so easy to get rid of them. My step dad in law is 97 and has a lot of health problems. I find it hard to detach myself to ringing up occassionally to find out how they are. I did have a go at my MIL today and she apologised for upsetting me. I think she's suffering from depression as well, lol.


----------



## catch22gofigure

This lady is buggin' . Though they think they know their sons, they only know what he tells them. You know don't really know someone until you live with them. It's been years since he's lived with her, so pay her no mind Lost.
Now....*clears throat* 
Don't be calling checking up on them folks. Are they calling checking up on you, uhh nooo or you would know how their doing , right ? People like that will steal the joy right out of ya. We dont have a lot of joy these days to be letting it get sucked out Lost. If something is gonna take it i'd rather it be the rollercoaster, than a in law. He has shown you a lot lately. Keep on your path Lost, things may be looking up it seems.
I understand your take on the aging dad; but you talk to your H on the regular now. So just let him fill you in on the fam. That will give love deposits anyway. You showing him that his family is still a great concern for you.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hmm , sounds a lot like someone I know let me tell ya. That's a worry.
> See , the reason this matters is that this has taken 7mths of the most painful and hardest times of I know my life that's for sure but from what she's said , regardless of her doing this , hers too.
> 
> So if this week has been her reaching out it would take absolutely nothing to turn her again at this stage and it probably won't be back if that happened. There's just been too much hurt involved.
> Like she'd know damn well I won't be falling at her feet anytime soon it's not that , you just wouldn't wanna go rejecting her at the same time.


Understood, but just as Christina I think that said...explain it to her why you don't want to. That way she is fully informed and who knows...it may just spark a good convo between the two of ya...it would if this idi....man (lol ) took the opportunity totell me why he is or is not doing something.


----------



## catch22gofigure

AA


whitehawk said:


> He's thinking he does love you too much to go anywhere now I think.
> But I must stress the I think bit though , so many contradictions with him.


If this is the stage he's at.. i can handle it ok from there I guess. Im just looking for certainty that he's there. Like today, I made plans to stay home tonight. He asked that I drop him at work. It's like any opportunity for us to have just a glimpse of each other every day will do for him...


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> In my opinion there is a good reason why you are thinking about it and haven't given up. It's because all hope has not been lost and you are just dangling in the wind trying to figure out the best way to solve the issues. You have so much going for you right now that I would give anything to have even 1/2 of it. I read about how much contact you have with your husband and it makes me soo jealous. I received a text from my husband a bit ago and that's the first contact that I have had with him since Wednesday. My counselor sees what little contact I have with my husband as being a positive thing. I can't imagine how much more positive it is to have the contact that you have.
> 
> I would try to go to IC or MC if you can. Even if your husband is dragging his feet about it there is a way to get him to possibly see things differently. I started going to an IC first. Then after a few sessions I went to my husband and asked him if he would meet with the counselor for just one session. I wanted him to meet with the counselor all by himself so that he felt free to express his thoughts on what was going on between us. I wanted him to see that I wasn't just sitting there bad mouthing him and making him out to be some kind of evil person. I also wanted to make him feel like he was an important part of the solution. My husband found that it was nothing like he was expecting and he was the one who asked if he could keep coming back with me. Maybe you could give this a try and see if you can build off of what you already have going for you?
> 
> Even if it does'n't work, I guarantee you will feel better about any of the choices that you need to make.


Awww, thanks for posting. I don't think he's quite open for MC right now. I start IC next week so ill see how it goes from there. I think if i learn how to let go of anger, resentment, hurts,and hang ups...ill see i haven't truly forgiven a LOT of people, including him. My heart must have hardened and idk how it happened and just really realized it today while posting a reply to Lost.
Trust me though it's miserable being this close to H all the time physically ;yet not knowing how far apart you truly are.


----------



## catch22gofigure

I found this posted by a user named Tron. I think I found something that will help me with this hard heart thing...take a look. It's similar to 180 but something about it screams try this.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> lol we all need reminding to take things slowly and have patience  We're only human and patience is a swear word for us, lol




I have been sweared at a lot today if that's the case. lol.


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## Finding Nemo

So my new friends, being that we often lose track of who we are because we get so wrapped up in all the mess of life, I would like to ask you to do something important for yourselves...I would like for you to look at yourself today and say one positive thing about yourself. Maybe it's something you did, something you feel about yourself, anything at all that makes you like who you are. 

My positive for today is that I learned how to install a ceiling fan and change out light switch fixtures all by myself. And I solved the mystery of the leaking toilet. Stupid shut off valve had a crack in it. I changed it out all by myself. 

I may not know how to fix my marriage, but I sure am learning how to fix everything else.


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## Christina909

Hi everyone just leaving an update. I have been spending time with friends and family and told my parents of what is going on. I didn't want to because I didn't want to explain everything. But it has helped they have been praying. I cut all contact with his family because they would just tell him everything I said. So I been so busy but I have been texting my husband quotes from Ed wheats book one said "to think u can change others is a mistake we think the other person changed and spoiled everything but people don't change much. It's the loss of connection between husband and wife that spoiled everything. Faults are thick where love is thin." He responded that he agrees. He claimed to have left because I was controlling like a mother to him so he didn't want to come home and face the same problems. I told him we lost the connection we once had when we first met. I also told him I'm not perfect and I know I have made mistakes and not to put me on this high pedestal. After seeing that movie "another women" I new we had to some how fall in love again. So each day I would call but give him his space too. 
So this morning he called and told me he doesn't know what to do because his living situation is not good. I could tell he wanted to talk by the tone of his voice so I said "just come home." He kind of changed the subject so I drop the subject to. 
When I got home I seen he came and dropped off his motorcycle. I don't know why and don't know what this means but I know it's a good sign. 
So like lostwithouthim said patients is so important. And also giving him his space helped. 
We have to remember our spouse married us for a reason


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I have been sweared at a lot today if that's the case. lol.


You and me both. I often feel like im the star actress on some daytime reality drama...:iagree:


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## catch22gofigure

Christina909 said:


> Hi everyone just leaving an update. I have been spending time with friends and family and told my parents of what is going on. I didn't want to because I didn't want to explain everything. But it has helped they have been praying. I cut all contact with his family because they would just tell him everything I said. So I been so busy but I have been texting my husband quotes from Ed wheats book one said "to think u can change others is a mistake we think the other person changed and spoiled everything but people don't change much. It's the loss of connection between husband and wife that spoiled everything. Faults are thick where love is thin." He responded that he agrees. He claimed to have left because I was controlling like a mother to him so he didn't want to come home and face the same problems. I told him we lost the connection we once had when we first met. I also told him I'm not perfect and I know I have made mistakes and not to put me on this high pedestal. After seeing that movie "another women" I new we had to some how fall in love again. So each day I would call but give him his space too.
> So this morning he called and told me he doesn't know what to do because his living situation is not good. I could tell he wanted to talk by the tone of his voice so I said "just come home." He kind of changed the subject so I drop the subject to.
> When I got home I seen he came and dropped off his motorcycle. I don't know why and don't know what this means but I know it's a good sign.
> So like lostwithouthim said patients is so important. And also giving him his space helped.
> We have to remember our spouse married us for a reason


Wow !! Progress is what I see !! Yes patience is so important. He is getting the point. Those quotes hold so much substance. Im trying as hard as I can with it. Keep us posted !!


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> So my new friends, being that we often lose track of who we are because we get so wrapped up in all the mess of life, I would like to ask you to do something important for yourselves...I would like for you to look at yourself today and say one positive thing about yourself. Maybe it's something you did, something you feel about yourself, anything at all that makes you like who you are.
> 
> My positive for today is that I learned how to install a ceiling fan and change out light switch fixtures all by myself. And I solved the mystery of the leaking toilet. Stupid shut off valve had a crack in it. I changed it out all by myself.
> 
> I may not know how to fix my marriage, but I sure am learning how to fix everything else.


Hi Nemo
Well the one positive thing I can say about myself is that im open. Open to learning more about myself. In learning more about me. I can change the dynamics of things that affect my world. It's challenging; but Me is someone I can't give up on. My life literally depends on it.


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## catch22gofigure

Update :
Well H was kinda short with me on his break call. Idk why things were great just hours ago. I usually feed off that energy somehow and take that as a direct hit against me. Then I remembered my last post instantly. Allowed my tone to remain upbeat and positive. Refused to let his down and out tone affect me. Then I thought, if his tone was about me...then why did he even call ?
Maybe somebody has been thinking while at work and the rollercoaster got to em' ?? Who knows with this guy. Im gonna keeo up this positive reaction thing though. Not just for our marriage ;but for the law of attraction all together. At one time I was this way normally. Life over the last two years robbed me of it and im just now realizing it. Im taking back today what was stolen from me !!


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Update :
> Well H was kinda short with me on his break call. Idk why things were great just hours ago. I usually feed off that energy somehow and take that as a direct hit against me. Then I remembered my last post instantly. Allowed my tone to remain upbeat and positive. Refused to let his down and out tone affect me. Then I thought, if his tone was about me...then why did he even call ?
> Maybe somebody has been thinking while at work and the rollercoaster got to em' ?? Who knows with this guy. Im gonna keeo up this positive reaction thing though. Not just for our marriage ;but for the law of attraction all together. At one time I was this way normally. Life over the last two years robbed me of it and im just now realizing it. Im taking back today what was stolen from me !!



Ah , wouldn't even worry about it Catch . Coulda just been work , in a rush , a million things.
We do that all the time too and every time I'm thinking like you are it was just that stuff.
But it is a roller coaster too I know and not always . Won't matter , to be expected.


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## Finding Nemo

So here it is just past midnight and its all starting to creep in all around me again. Tried to sleep...dreamt of husband. Tried to read, read a funny story that reminded me of my husband and daughter. Tried to watch tv, but I can't focus enough to even understand the content of the commercials I have seen hundreds of times. I tried to lay here and listen to some jazz and the nature sounds to try and fall asleep by. The fear of losing my husband is so overwhelming tonight. 

I would have been okay if he would have just did his normal thing and not contact me at all until Sunday when he was ready to meet me to exchange our daughter. But, since he did contact me, he contacted me in a huge way. He knows I got turned down for state assistance because of the amount of income he brings in. They said it's his choice to live some place else, not the states. I am sure my daughter told him all about what happened. I wasn't going to say anything. So, when he contacted me earlier he wanted to know if I was okay and did I have food. I couldn't answer right away because my cell phone keeps jacking itself up. He started to panic like he always does if I don't answer right away and let's me all the bills are paid, etc. He wants me to answer as to why I asked for assistance and didn't come to him. And he wanted to inform me that he bought our daughter some gifts and he enclosed the cards from the both of us. 

Why did I go to the state for assistance you may be asking yourself...it's because I don't know if I can count on my husband. He hold every penny to our families name in a bank account that I don't have access to. And for good reason...I suck at handling money. I am so torn between he is with us, he isn't with us that I thought it would be best if I didn't have to rely on him. The state said they could make it more stable by garnishing his wages or by making him pay a certain amount of child support and that would be more than they would be able to assist me with. The problem that we into there is that some times I don't need a lot. Sometimes its just a couple of dollars at a time. He is paying 3/4 of the family income on two households as it is and that leaves very little behind. And if there comes a time where he misses and can't make the support payment they will put him in jail. I shouldn't care, but I had to think about this twice and now I thinking about it more than every. I want my husband to come home, not sit in jail. 

Anyway, that's kind of my rant for the night. I hope I can sleep now that I have dumped my brain out a little bit. What are some of the ways you guys have learned to use in order to cope. Maybe something you guys are doing might help.


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## whitehawk

Rant away Nemo.
Try not to over think and worry , he sounds more than generous and fair about the money stuff , your really lucky believe me.
Why don't you get your own card for that account - I know hopeless with money but it'd ease your mind a bit.
When you say order do you mean life stuff , read 180. Not to use it against him if you don't want to but just the coping stuff. It's common sense really , no rocket science but it just means be strong , look after you, do all your daily stuff , bla bla. 
Music was helping me a lot , getting away from the house, good movies. Had to keep working to but must admit , begrudgingly it does help a lot.
I bought new clothes and a few things for round the house.
Getting out in the car helps me a lot because I love going places . Getting up to our main town and away from here does to. Lots of people , shops , girls


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> This lady is buggin' . Though they think they know their sons, they only know what he tells them. You know don't really know someone until you live with them. It's been years since he's lived with her, so pay her no mind Lost.
> Now....*clears throat*
> Don't be calling checking up on them folks. Are they calling checking up on you, uhh nooo or you would know how their doing , right ? People like that will steal the joy right out of ya. We dont have a lot of joy these days to be letting it get sucked out Lost. If something is gonna take it i'd rather it be the rollercoaster, than a in law. He has shown you a lot lately. Keep on your path Lost, things may be looking up it seems.
> I understand your take on the aging dad; but you talk to your H on the regular now. So just let him fill you in on the fam. That will give love deposits anyway. You showing him that his family is still a great concern for you.


Good advice  Thanks Catch


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## lostwithouthim

Just popped on, I'm out today  Will read the rest of the posts later. Have a good day everyone


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I found this posted by a user named Tron. I think I found something that will help me with this hard heart thing...take a look. It's similar to 180 but something about it screams try this.


Very interesting  I try to do this now everytime H comes round, it makes them want to come back for more. If you're angry and vicious with them all the time, they want to spend as little time as poss with you


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> So my new friends, being that we often lose track of who we are because we get so wrapped up in all the mess of life, I would like to ask you to do something important for yourselves...I would like for you to look at yourself today and say one positive thing about yourself. Maybe it's something you did, something you feel about yourself, anything at all that makes you like who you are.
> 
> My positive for today is that I learned how to install a ceiling fan and change out light switch fixtures all by myself. And I solved the mystery of the leaking toilet. Stupid shut off valve had a crack in it. I changed it out all by myself.
> 
> I may not know how to fix my marriage, but I sure am learning how to fix everything else.


I always say this whenever anyone asks me about myself. I'm a very caring person, sometimes I can be too caring and that can be my downfall at times. Oops slipped into the negative there! lol.
Positive things I've done round the house. I cleaned filter out of the dishwasher because it wasn't working properly. Did a hot wash using a cup full of white vinegar and now it's working properly again


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## lostwithouthim

Christina909 said:


> So like lostwithouthim said patients is so important. And also giving him his space helped.
> We have to remember our spouse married us for a reason


I agree  It's the things we need reminding of - patience, take things slowly and we have married for a reason  I've not told my parents yet and I don't intend to either until I feel he's not coming back at all. There's still a part of me that thinks that he will come back, but it will take a while. Actually I want it to take a while, give us both time to think about what we want, time to change and time to talk!
Christina, that sounds really positive  If I quoted Ed Wheat to him, he'd ignore my texts and may make him run in the opposite direction. I know he's not ready to return home yet and he may never be - only time will tell 
I've not told my parents because they've been divorced and will want me to get out of the marriage as soon as possible. I know this as this is what happened last time. When H left me for AW, I told my mum and dad. My Dad travelled to my house within days, changed the lock on the door and took me to the solicitors to start divorce proceedings. It was too much for me and when he took me for some lunch afterwards a song came on that reminded me of H and I had to rush out of the restaurant in floods of tears. Also when H came back, they resented him and it took them ages to come to trust him again. My MIL said it'll only be worse for me if I don't tell my parents as they will resent me for not telling them. Well I can do what I want now  I'll try not to communicate with MIL anymore and wait for her to ring me.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Update :
> Well H was kinda short with me on his break call. Idk why things were great just hours ago. I usually feed off that energy somehow and take that as a direct hit against me. Then I remembered my last post instantly. Allowed my tone to remain upbeat and positive. Refused to let his down and out tone affect me. Then I thought, if his tone was about me...then why did he even call ?
> Maybe somebody has been thinking while at work and the rollercoaster got to em' ?? Who knows with this guy. Im gonna keeo up this positive reaction thing though. Not just for our marriage ;but for the law of attraction all together. At one time I was this way normally. Life over the last two years robbed me of it and im just now realizing it. Im taking back today what was stolen from me !!


Yeah go you! That's what I do, keep upbeat and positive and try not to rant at him, lol.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Anyway, that's kind of my rant for the night. I hope I can sleep now that I have dumped my brain out a little bit. What are some of the ways you guys have learned to use in order to cope. Maybe something you guys are doing might help.


Rant away! That's what we're here for  If you notice our latest posts read like a blog, whenever something happens that day, we post it on here and then wait to see what the others say. They normally talk sense 
I don't really understand the state system over there as I live in the UK. It sounds a lot more complicated. Over here, if the spouse moves out, you get benefits in your own right. I'm just trying to sort mine out at the moment.
What do I do? Read positive self help books on what is going on in your life, come on here for a rant, have a stiff drink! lol, Have friends over or go for a coffee with them, go to church once a week for my weekly spiritual top up and friendship, get out more - don't stay in the house moping away, keep the place tidy, move furniture around and decorate, pack his stuff up in boxes and put it somewhere safe. I've also been having a clear out and packing things up for a boot sale (I think it's the equivalent of a yard sale over there!). Hope this helps


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## lostwithouthim

Ok my blog for the day  Today me and my son went to a spiritual day at our local cathedral. We learnt how to prayer and talk to God through art. You don't have to be an artist to do this. There are several types of styles - the masterpieces, the scribbling and the abstract paintings. The scribbling is good, you just scribble on the paper and draw patterns on how you're feeling at the mo, the abstract is similar to the scribbles and the masterpieces speak for themselves. I'm not a good artist, but I had a good go  The first painting or drawing we had to do was how and when did we first find God. The second drawing was a story from the bible that you can relate to such as the prodigal son or Jonah! It's very therapeutic and can get emotional at times  It's been a great day, with THREE services during the day and it finished off with 2 big artificial flames shooting up out of two boxes either side! Very powerful and made everyone go - WOW!!


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## Christina909

Update yesterday it was day 52 since my H left. i have been calling him once a day and letting him know that i care just by asking regular things like do you need anything or just to say good night. so last night i called and asked him to dinner at first he say why then i said oh well never mind then. He then said ok and picked a restaurant where we first met. So i got all dressed up and met him there. He looked different almost like he hadn’t been taking care of like he needed a haircut. But we had a nice dinner and started to connect again. i told him i still cared for him and he said that i like living without him. I assured him that wasn’t true. So he said he would come back home. And we made up.=) Some insight he said to help him not call me he kept busy and stayed around friends. He also took long to come back because he didn’t want to come back to the same situation. I knew why he left and My daily calls assured him the situation was getting better but that I was not perfect either. I’m glad I didn’t make any sudden decisions the only decision I made was i changed my phone number which costs me 40 dollars and that was a waste. i read somewhere with all my readings it said "don’t look for someone new, concentrate on working it out with the one you already found. Then i read 70% of second marriages end up in divorce. I thought it is better to keep pursuing my spouse with Love even though he would not talk to me or answer my calls i would leave a loving voice mail short and sweet and sometimes he would then call me back. 
So even though he is home I am still going to finish my readings and keep working at our marriage. After reading Ed wheat’s book love life for every married couple, I realized marriage is such a true blessing he said we choose who we marry and God joins us together and we become one. The advice I would give is keep praying for your spouse ask God to soften his or her heart. And love them even if you are rejected. And while you’re waiting trust God and have faith which means stop talking negative about your spouse especially to others. And lastly helping someone else who is going through a tough time may help you not think so much everything. And if you have to do things and don’t feel like it just do the next thing and then the next until all your chores are done. There were days I didn’t want to clean go shopping for food etc. my lowest point was when I went to the doctor and she said my biological clock was ticking I was like Lord I don’t know what to do and I finally said I am out of ideas and strategies and I give my husband to you. Here is a verse I used when I prayed for him every night because that’s when I felt the most low was right before bedtime. 
26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.- Ezekiel 36:26


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## Christina909

i thought the same thing i just sent the text because he was blaming me for everything like i spoiled the marriage and i wanted him to know why marriages fall apart. i liked texting because i new he would read it even if he ignored me i wanted him to know he could not just blame me for it all.


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## lostwithouthim

Yey congratulations Christina  52 days is not long at all  I think if there's any R with my spouse it will take longer than 52 days. We both need to change loads to make our marriage work and I think mine will take more like 52 weeks! lol. Well I hope not anyway  It's good that you had the courage to send him a text like that  The time is not yet right for me. He came round this evening, me and my son had just finished our meal. He was disappointed as he hadn't had any dinner as he's been working, so I made him a sandwich. It was just a flying visit tonight as he was working again, but he managed to have something to eat and a coffee  My work for the day is done, what a fab day it's been  Thank you God


----------



## Tron

Hello everyone. New to the thread. Catch asked me to come chat.

Catch, I've read all your posts and let's just cut to the chase about your H. He is NOT done with you. He loves you and wants you, but I am not going to lie to you, he does not really want to live with the you of the past couple of years. That is why he left. 

Despite the fact that he is doing what most men are programmed to do (provide for and support their families) you have summarily rejected him, disrespected him, lashed out at him and abused him.

Catch, it's pretty clear from your recent epiphany that you are harboring some deep resentments towards your H. I don't think that he is the source of all of that resentment. Some, maybe most, is internal. Nevertheless, you have taken all of it out on him both verbally and physically. That is NOT OK. 

You casually throw out the term rugsweeper to describe your H. That may be true to some degree, he isn't particularly sophisticated, introspective or self aware and may not always take full responsibility. I don't know that 100% from your thread just yet, so we can talk about it some more. There is also a term on TAM called "blame-shifter"...I think there is one of those in your marriage too. 

You haven't had an opportunity to delve into this at all with an IC, but I think you need to and it sounds like you made an appointment for this week. That's really good. I think you will get to the root of those resentments pretty quickly. When you do, please share them. I have my suspicions but I think it is critical that they come from you. 

I understand that you have read 5 Love Languages. Did you ever get a chance to read His Needs Her Needs? I think workingatit highly recommended Divorce Busters too. Some homework for you.

I am curious, will you please give me a bullet list, in general, of what you think you need or want from a man? 

How about a bullet list too of what you love and don't love about your H?


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## catch22gofigure

Im gonna catch up a bit and will respond to everyone soon. Please welcome Tron everyone! !  . I've been busy reading some things today and just now making it over this way...brb


----------



## catch22gofigure

E


Tron said:


> Hello everyone. New to the thread. Catch asked me to come chat.
> 
> Catch, I've read all your posts and let's just cut to the chase about your H. He is NOT done with you. He loves you and wants you, but I am not going to lie to you, he does not really want to live with the you of the past couple of years. That is why he left.
> 
> Despite the fact that he is doing what most men are programmed to do (provide for and support their families) you have summarily rejected him, disrespected him, lashed out at him and abused him.
> 
> Catch, it's pretty clear from your recent epiphany that you are harboring some deep resentments towards your H. I don't think that he is the source of all of that resentment. Some, maybe most, is internal. Nevertheless, you have taken all of it out on him both verbally and physically. That is NOT OK.
> 
> You casually throw out the term rugsweeper to describe your H. That may be true to some degree, he isn't particularly sophisticated, introspective or self aware and may not always take full responsibility. I don't know that 100% from your thread just yet, so we can talk about it some more. There is also a term on TAM called "blame-shifter"...I think there is one of those in your marriage too.
> 
> You haven't had an opportunity to delve into this at all with an IC, but I think you need to and it sounds like you made an appointment for this week. That's really good. I think you will get to the root of those resentments pretty quickly. When you do, please share them. I have my suspicions but I think it is critical that they come from you.
> 
> I understand that you have read 5 Love Languages. Did you ever get a chance to read His Needs Her Needs? I think workingatit highly recommended Divorce Busters too. Some homework for you.
> 
> I am curious, will you please give me a bullet list, in general, of what you think you need or want from a man?
> 
> How about a bullet list too of what you love and don't love about your H?


Yes you are correct in all your findings. I am guilty as charged. I have spent so much time trying to find what is wrong with him and trying to fix him , that I didn't take time to fix me. I have abused him, I have blamed him , I have done all these awful things that helped lead us to where we are now. True , he is not the source of all my resentment either. There are many. Unfortunately I am just now realizing that I made him suffer for everyone. 
Though I read the 5LL.. i have started reading it again. Dissecting it this time. I didn't get the meat of it before. Only the gist of its' concept. 

What I love about my H ? Why did I just take a deep sigh here ? Why do I feel a flutter in my heart as I start this bullet list ? But here goes...
* He makes sure my needs are met
* He is attentive to me when im in any form of trouble health or financially if he can
* He makes me laugh
* I think he's handsome ( does that count )

Ok can I stop here for now...this is hard
I do start IC this upcoming week and will share everything as I gather it.

What I think I need or want. ...hmmm
I know I need a man who can let me know when he is displeased. Without lashing out to do so. I need a man who can give me feedback when I engage in conversation about emotional matters , and one who can appreciate even the little efforts I make to try and become better each day. I need a man who can communicate any and everything with me no matter what. Well...this is just a starter. I see now Tron im gonna be on my toes with this assignment. That was tough and I know deep down it should not have been. 

Today was a good day for us....until again that break call. See he for whatever reason thinks im supposed to have all this convo when he calls on his breaks. I often don't and we end up with a silent phone line. He gets kinda ticked and then boom. Im in the hotseat again. Wth ?? What I want to talk about, he doesn't know how to. The same ol hows your evening, what the kids doing, where are you stuff is getting real old real fast. Im a talker yet ive started googling short conversation starters.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Ah , wouldn't even worry about it Catch . Coulda just been work , in a rush , a million things.
> We do that all the time too and every time I'm thinking like you are it was just that stuff.
> But it is a roller coaster too I know and not always . Won't matter , to be expected.


It's just so hard to try and remain upbeat when you have Danny Downer on the line. Im trying though. Even with the name calling. Hopefully, that will be my last time calling him some kind of name. Somehow, I think too that I lost a little respect for him...so im trying White , Im trying.


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## catch22gofigure

RksN


Finding Nemo said:


> So here it is just past midnight and its all starting to creep in all around me again. Tried to sleep...dreamt of husband. Tried to read, read a funny story that reminded me of my husband and daughter. Tried to watch tv, but I can't focus enough to even understand the content of the commercials I have seen hundreds of times. I tried to lay here and listen to some jazz and the nature sounds to try and fall asleep by. The fear of losing my husband is so overwhelming tonight.
> 
> I would have been okay if he would have just did his normal thing and not contact me at all until Sunday when he was ready to meet me to exchange our daughter. But, since he did contact me, he contacted me in a huge way. He knows I got turned down for state assistance because of the amount of income he brings in. They said it's his choice to live some place else, not the states. I am sure my daughter told him all about what happened. I wasn't going to say anything. So, when he contacted me earlier he wanted to know if I was okay and did I have food. I couldn't answer right away because my cell phone keeps jacking itself up. He started to panic like he always does if I don't answer right away and let's me all the bills are paid, etc. He wants me to answer as to why I asked for assistance and didn't come to him. And he wanted to inform me that he bought our daughter some gifts and he enclosed the cards from the both of us.
> 
> Why did I go to the state for assistance you may be asking yourself...it's because I don't know if I can count on my husband. He hold every penny to our families name in a bank account that I don't have access to. And for good reason...I suck at handling money. I am so torn between he is with us, he isn't with us that I thought it would be best if I didn't have to rely on him. The state said they could make it more stable by garnishing his wages or by making him pay a certain amount of child support and that would be more than they would be able to assist me with. The problem that we into there is that some times I don't need a lot. Sometimes its just a couple of dollars at a time. He is paying 3/4 of the family income on two households as it is and that leaves very little behind. And if there comes a time where he misses and can't make the support payment they will put him in jail. I shouldn't care, but I had to think about this twice and now I thinking about it more than every. I want my husband to come home, not sit in jail.
> 
> Anyway, that's kind of my rant for the night. I hope I can sleep now that I have dumped my brain out a little bit. What are some of the ways you guys have learned to use in order to cope. Maybe something you guys are doing might help.


I've been coming here to cope. No money so going out and all of that is out of the question for me right now. Then scouring the net and reading have been ways for me coping too. Haven't been doing the best as coping im afraid. Hopefully the new week will bring some new ideas for us both. Prayer is the main thing keeping me sane though to be honest. Try SleepyTime tea made by Celestial Seasonings for rest. Works wonders for me. Ita with the other teas on the grocery aisle


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Today was a good day for us....until again that break call.



I can relate to this problem. My husband calls me very little, emails me very little and sends text to me very little. With so little conversation going on a person would think there would be so much to talk about. Unless the conversation has to do with our daughter, we really don't have much to say. Sometimes my husband will talk about his work and sometimes I talk about something I have done around the house. But since we don't spend any time together there is very little for us to talk about. It's weird because I get so excited when I see that my husband has sent some kind of communication to me. But, then I get tense because there are limits that my husband has set that I am allowed to talk about. I love to hear my husbands voice so some times when it's really hard to have a conversation, I just ask him to keep talking to me about anything so that I can hear his voice for just a little bit longer. Silly I know, but sometimes it's all I've got.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I can relate to this problem. My husband calls me very little, emails me very little and sends text to me very little. With so little conversation going on a person would think there would be so much to talk about. Unless the conversation has to do with our daughter, we really don't have much to say. Sometimes my husband will talk about his work and sometimes I talk about something I have done around the house. But since we don't spend any time together there is very little for us to talk about. It's weird because I get so excited when I see that my husband has sent some kind of communication to me. But, then I get tense because there are limits that my husband has set that I am allowed to talk about. I love to hear my husbands voice so some times when it's really hard to have a conversation, I just ask him to keep talking to me about anything so that I can hear his voice for just a little bit longer. Silly I know, but sometimes it's all I've got.


 hopefully it'll get better. Doing anything in particular to increase communication between the two of you ? My H contacts me consistently most of the time. But we usually don't have anything interesting to talk about. That sucks just as bad if you ask me.
Now he has asked me over to his apartment. Im here, so tell me why we sitting here looking like lumps on a log. He just got off work, so im sure he is a little tired. I guess ill spark up some small talk..but am I to be host when I am the guest too?


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Yey congratulations Christina  52 days is not long at all  I think if there's any R with my spouse it will take longer than 52 days. We both need to change loads to make our marriage work and I think mine will take more like 52 weeks! lol. Well I hope not anyway  It's good that you had the courage to send him a text like that  The time is not yet right for me. He came round this evening, me and my son had just finished our meal. He was disappointed as he hadn't had any dinner as he's been working, so I made him a sandwich. It was just a flying visit tonight as he was working again, but he managed to have something to eat and a coffee  My work for the day is done, what a fab day it's been  Thank you God


Somebody's been coming over quite a bit for grub . Seems like he's. missing the security of a home cooked meal daily. I've come to realize as well Lost that I have a mountain of stuff to work on about myself. Its gonna be hard but im up for the challenge.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Good advice  Thanks Catch


Hey we're all in this together. You always do the same for me , Lost. It's always a pleasure even if I can help just a bit.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> RksN
> Try SleepyTime tea made by Celestial Seasonings for rest. Works wonders for me.



Celestial Seasonings is manufactured about 45 minutes from my home. It's an awesome place to visit. I wish tea worked for me, but not even prescription sleep aides helps me any more. Once my mind gets wound up that's all she wrote until I can do a brain dump. 

I am struggling more than usual right now because Mother's Day was not too long ago and this is the first Mother's Day without my mom. She died near Thanksgiving and now my husband is gone. He had my daughter for visitation on Mother's Day which really sucked. I am struggling with feelings of abandonment right now on top of everything else. 

I have an extremely difficult time on Wednesday nights, Friday afternoons and Sunday nights. Those are three times during the week that I am guaranteed to see my husband because we are exchanging our daughter at those times. I get so excited and worked up only to feel let down a few minutes later. Like a kid visiting the candy store knowing I only get to window shop. 

We meet in the parking lot of a store near my house. My husband pretty much picks up our daughter or drops her off. Sometimes he will stay for more than 10 minutes, but that depends upon whether my daughter wants him to tell me about something that happened over the weekend or not. Sometimes I might get lucky and get one of the best hugs a person could ever have and possibly a goodbye kiss, but he is shy and feels uncomfortable to have any kind of physical contact in public. That's what he tells me any way. And it gets confusing because some days I really do feel like he is gone for good, but then he hugs me and kisses me and makes me feel I am the most important person in the world besides our daughter. Then I might feel like I am truly loved and wanted and then he will be cold and not even get out of the car.  

I am so glad that I came across this thread because you guys are helping me more than you know.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> hopefully it'll get better. Doing anything in particular to increase communication between the two of you ?


Since my husband works a lot I hardly ever heard from him before he went away. I am usually the one who contacts him. I try to share things our daughter is up to or funny things she has done or said. Sometimes she will have something at school and he can't get off work to attend so I take pictures to share. I had to be at a meeting one time and he went. He sent me pictures so that I wouldn't miss out. We gave our daughter an ant farm at Christmas and when the weather finally got warm enough for the ants to arrive, we took pictures and videos so that he could see what the ants are were up to. Then there are the daily affirmation emails that I started sending him. Every night I would choose a topic and I tell him I love you because X reason. Then I would take experiences from our life and show him examples. Sometimes I would send short little text messages to try and give him encouragement during the day. He said these things really help him and he needs them, but then he comes back with something that makes me think he would rather I just go away so I back off until I feel safe again. 

Things were going good between us until I found out about his apartment a few days ago. I am trying to understand that things were so messed when he got the apartment, but it hurts so bad that he isn't home with me. I am kind of reeling in a world of hurt and confusion as well because he made a statement to me that went to the very soul of me and just ripped me apart. When we were discussing who this apartment belonged to and whose bills he was paying, we discussed whether he wanted our home along with our daughter and myself. He said I want the house and I want you guys, but I don't want it with you there because I don't trust you. He then informed me that he would not be sleeping with me or would not ever be alone with me again because he doesn't trust me. He said we can't have any plans or any hopes or dreams because there is no us because he can't trust me. So I don't know if this is temporary or if this is permanent. I need the dust to settle again before I can have any other kind of discussion about it.

He is still really emotional and upset about going to jail and having to deal with the consequences of his actions. He says he is afraid of us getting into another fight and I would put him back in jail. The reality is that he hasn't taken full responsibility for his part in what happened so things aren't going to change much until he is able to do that. He really is a good guy, but at the moment his head is all messed up. I have had 5 months of support to help me, but he hasn't had anyone to help him with being able to cope. The team of people that I work with as my support team tell me that this will get better as he attends more and more prevention classes. I just hope I have the "patience" (there's that naughty word again ) to hang in there long enough to see if helps or not.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Somebody's been coming over quite a bit for grub .


Since you are making sandwiches for people, I think I will come over for lunch tomorrow...maybe the next day depending upon how long the flight is. :lol:

All kidding aside, I think this is a good thing that he is hanging around. Three years ago when my husband was having his affair with his coworker he would come around a lot. He stayed with his aunt the last time and so he didn't see our daughter very much. It took about 3 months before he finally decided he missed home and stayed. 

This time I don't think my husband is going to miss home as much because he gets to take our daughter with him every weekend. It drives me bananas when our daughter isn't home. I know he loves her, and he says having her around really helps him, but I don't understand how being a "Weekend Hero" makes up for the rest of the time. 

I am praying for all of us that they will keep coming around and that one day soon they will just stay and not leave again.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> It's just so hard to try and remain upbeat when you have Danny Downer on the line. Im trying though. Even with the name calling. Hopefully, that will be my last time calling him some kind of name. Somehow, I think too that I lost a little respect for him...so im trying White , Im trying.


Is there any way that you can write yourself some kind of positive note to have by the phone to read to yourself in case another call like this comes in? Taking the focus off of the intensity of the call might change the outcome of it. Since I am limited to what I am allowed to discuss, I have a couple of reminders for myself. This one is my favorite: 

*Although they are limited by things beyond my control, I will use my thoughts wisely and respect the power of the content of my words. I choose to respect and give love in order to receive respect and love for myself. *


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I've not told my parents yet and I don't intend to either until I feel he's not coming back at all.



My family consists of two brothers who only want to call you up the middle of the night when they are A. either in trouble with the law or B. need money. I have two aunts, an uncle, and 6 nieces and nephews. They live in a different state from where I live. I have not said anything to them about my husband not living at home either. If I were to say something one brother would come here and cause all kinds of problems and he would end up in jail and my other brother would care less until he needed help with money or his computer. I was raised by the same parents as my brothers and I just don't get how we ended up being so different. :scratchhead:


----------



## Finding Nemo

Christina909 said:


> Update yesterday it was day 52 since my H left.




How awesome that your wait is over. Now starts the real work. Keeping my fingers crossed that you are continuously surrounded by peace, love, and harmony.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Im gonna catch up a bit and will respond to everyone soon. Please welcome Tron everyone! !  . I've been busy reading some things today and just now making it over this way...brb


Welcome to our little group Tron


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> E
> 
> 
> Today was a good day for us....until again that break call. See he for whatever reason thinks im supposed to have all this convo when he calls on his breaks. I often don't and we end up with a silent phone line. He gets kinda ticked and then boom. Im in the hotseat again. Wth ?? What I want to talk about, he doesn't know how to. The same ol hows your evening, what the kids doing, where are you stuff is getting real old real fast. Im a talker yet ive started googling short conversation starters.


Having daily convos is good catch, that was the start of R for us all those years ago. I don't have any problem with convo, just ask my H, lol. He came round last night and we watched a bit of TV with our son. I still haven't told him about the day out we went on. I wouldn't go into details because he's not that religious but I'd share the odd things that happen during the day. Write a list if you want of what you want to talk about. Is there a programme tv that you watched? Did you go out for any reason to meet friends or go shopping? Did anything funny happen whilst you are out? Is there anything happening in the news at the mo that you could share? Ask him how his days been so far. one thing that I've read is that you need to listen more to your spouse. Let him do the talking, has he been up to anything interesting? etc. Hope this helps


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Somebody's been coming over quite a bit for grub . Seems like he's. missing the security of a home cooked meal daily. I've come to realize as well Lost that I have a mountain of stuff to work on about myself. Its gonna be hard but im up for the challenge.


Either that or he's cake eating  I know he's not got a lot of money at the mo, so this is his way of saving some  Mind you I did have to persuade him a few time to have a sandwich as he said he didn't want to put me to any trouble


----------



## lostwithouthim

I've finally got the book called "hope for the separated". It talks about how to get back with your partner, but says before you can get back together you need to change. It gives you assignments to do - the first one was make a list why you think that he/she left? Is there anything you can do about the list right now? I know one of mine on the list was looking after the house. I'm starting to do that more and hopefully my H will start to notice the difference. Some things are a lot harder to achieve right now, he would have to come back to see if I'm doing them. It's a really good book and a recommended read  There's even a chapter on what to do if they do decide to come back, so it is a book for everyone, even you Christina


----------



## Mr Blunt

LWH

Under the circumstances you sound very healthy. You have mentioned a few times that you have to work on yourself and that is it is going to take more than 52 days. You have even mentioned that he may not come back. You sound like you have some strength.

The first year is the worst but you seem to be level headed


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes you are correct in all your findings. I am guilty as charged. I have spent so much time trying to find what is wrong with him and trying to fix him , that I didn't take time to fix me. I have abused him, I have blamed him , I have done all these awful things that helped lead us to where we are now. True , he is not the source of all my resentment either. There are many. Unfortunately I am just now realizing that I made him suffer for everyone.


Yes, you did.



catch22gofigure said:


> Though I read the 5LL.. i have started reading it again. Dissecting it this time. I didn't get the meat of it before. Only the gist of its' concept.


My recommendation is to move on to the other two books I mentioned. 5LL is a good book to help you figure out how to communicate better with your spouse and show that you love them in a way that they can receive it and most appreciate it. Your H already knows that you need verbal affirmation and is trying. Why do you think he calls you all the time? It isn't because he has a tremendous amount to say, I promise you. It is because that is what you have told him you need. What he hasn't been too successful at verbalizing is those statements that show you that he sees you for what you are doing and appreciating it. Things like "thank you", "attagirl", "good job" and "wow, you really get/got my motor going tonight".

You know that his love language is physical touch and that is what you need to do to show him you love him in a way that he will receive it and appreciate it. If he has a secondary love language from the quiz then you sprinkle a little of that in too. 



catch22gofigure said:


> What I love about my H ? Why did I just take a deep sigh here? Why do I feel a flutter in my heart as I start this bullet list ? But here goes...
> * He makes sure my needs are met
> * He is attentive to me when im in any form of trouble health or financially if he can
> * He makes me laugh
> * I think he's handsome ( does that count )


What needs and how?

The rest, that is what we men are supposed to do. Provide love, support and security. Ah, what the hell, I'll just call the other what it is...a mating dance.



catch22gofigure said:


> I do start IC this upcoming week and will share everything as I gather it.


Please do that.


Onto your wants, because these aren't really core needs. Read His needs Her Needs and answer the questionnaire and you will get to the root of what you need from him. 

I am going to dissect these wants so please pay attention. 



catch22gofigure said:


> What I think I need or want. ...hmmm
> I know I need a man who can let me know when he is displeased. Without lashing out to do so.


OK. It is important for people to communicate displeasure, because if they don't, it builds up, turns into resentment and then tends to explode. You know all too well about that. If he lashes out and explodes, then there are better ways to do this that are not so confrontational or hurtful. Maybe H can do this better. Show or tell him that you want him to express displeasure and how you want to receive that displeasure. I suspect him simply saying "I didn't like it when you...(fill in the blank here)" or "It made me mad/sad/glad etc. when you... " works for you. This is pretty non-confrontational communication and gets the feelings across; which it sounds like you want to hear. If so, tell him you don't want him to bottle things up and this is how he needs express that displeasure from now on.



catch22gofigure said:


> I need a man who can give me feedback when I engage in conversation about emotional matters


This answer your not going to like too much. He isn't your girlfriend and he isn't a big talker. Most women don't talk for feedback, they talk to get things off their chest and just talking about things seems to allow them to work through their problems on their own. My suggestion is if you want feedback from him, ask him a question. Men are problem solvers. Ask the question and we'll try to find an answer. Don't expect your H to read your mind. He can't. 



catch22gofigure said:


> and one who can appreciate even the little efforts I make to try and become better each day.


Don't you think you need to actually get better for him to be able to do this?



catch22gofigure said:


> I need a man who can communicate any and everything with me no matter what.


I am assuming you mean "verbally" communicate. You're aren't going to like this answer. Good luck finding this man and getting him interested in you. He's probably gay.

This isn't your H and isn't most men. Some men can chit chat, some have a gift of bull$hit, but most men talk to gather information, to solve problems or to get laid...end of story.



catch22gofigure said:


> Well...this is just a starter. I see now Tron im gonna be on my toes with this assignment. That was tough and I know deep down it should not have been.


That's OK. It's a start.



catch22gofigure said:


> Today was a good day for us....until again that break call. See he for whatever reason thinks im supposed to have all this convo when he calls on his breaks. I often don't and we end up with a silent phone line. He gets kinda ticked and then boom. Im in the hotseat again. Wth ?? What I want to talk about, he doesn't know how to. The same ol hows your evening, what the kids doing, where are you stuff is getting real old real fast. Im a talker yet ive started googling short conversation starters.


After reading what I told you, rethink what you just said and reassess. What happened?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Celestial Seasonings is manufactured about 45 minutes from my home. It's an awesome place to visit. I wish tea worked for me, but not even prescription sleep aides helps me any more. Once my mind gets wound up that's all she wrote until I can do a brain dump.
> 
> I am struggling more than usual right now because Mother's Day was not too long ago and this is the first Mother's Day without my mom. She died near Thanksgiving and now my husband is gone. He had my daughter for visitation on Mother's Day which really sucked. I am struggling with feelings of abandonment right now on top of everything else.
> 
> I have an extremely difficult time on Wednesday nights, Friday afternoons and Sunday nights. Those are three times during the week that I am guaranteed to see my husband because we are exchanging our daughter at those times. I get so excited and worked up only to feel let down a few minutes later. Like a kid visiting the candy store knowing I only get to window shop.
> 
> We meet in the parking lot of a store near my house. My husband pretty much picks up our daughter or drops her off. Sometimes he will stay for more than 10 minutes, but that depends upon whether my daughter wants him to tell me about something that happened over the weekend or not. Sometimes I might get lucky and get one of the best hugs a person could ever have and possibly a goodbye kiss, but he is shy and feels uncomfortable to have any kind of physical contact in public. That's what he tells me any way. And it gets confusing because some days I really do feel like he is gone for good, but then he hugs me and kisses me and makes me feel I am the most important person in the world besides our daughter. Then I might feel like I am truly loved and wanted and then he will be cold and not even get out of the car.
> 
> I am so glad that I came across this thread because you guys are helping me more than you know.[/QUOTE ]
> 
> As you may have read, I know all too well about the whole MD thing. This is only my 2nd year and it didn't feel much better than the first. I made it through it though. He was more supportive this year than he was last year. That made the day all the more eventfull. My mind going back and forth from my separation to my missing my mommy breakdown.
> You cant help but be confused when things are consistent with your H though. I've learned that much. The pasrt two days have been eye opening to say the least. I've apent a lot of my alone time in deep thought about me. Have even sought some IC bwcause I am just that exhausted with us both. However im the only one that I can change, so that's where im starting.
> Im equally happy that you found this thread. If anything said here helps grab it. We're just a couple of gals and guys hanging out here doing what we can to help the other if for nothing but to have that someone to listen and help you through this very difficult time. I do the same thing often. I just recently met Tron doing that very thing. I am looking forward to getting to know and learn from him. So make yourself right at home.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Is there any way that you can write yourself some kind of positive note to have by the phone to read to yourself in case another call like this comes in? Taking the focus off of the intensity of the call might change the outcome of it. Since I am limited to what I am allowed to discuss, I have a couple of reminders for myself. This one is my favorite:
> 
> *Although they are limited by things beyond my control, I will use my thoughts wisely and respect the power of the content of my words. I choose to respect and give love in order to receive respect and love for myself. *


Yes I can. I use only my cellular phone, so today I put a picture memo of the words remain calm as positive as my wallpaper.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> We meet in the parking lot of a store near my house. My husband pretty much picks up our daughter or drops her off. Sometimes he will stay for more than 10 minutes, but that depends upon whether my daughter wants him to tell me about something that happened over the weekend or not. Sometimes I might get lucky and get one of the best hugs a person could ever have and possibly a goodbye kiss, but he is shy and feels uncomfortable to have any kind of physical contact in public. That's what he tells me any way. And it gets confusing because some days I really do feel like he is gone for good, but then he hugs me and kisses me and makes me feel I am the most important person in the world besides our daughter. Then I might feel like I am truly loved and wanted and then he will be cold and not even get out of the car.


He is confused too. He wants this to work out. But you have to fix you first.




catch22gofigure said:


> As you may have read, I know all too well about the whole MD thing. This is only my 2nd year and it didn't feel much better than the first. I made it through it though. He was more supportive this year than he was last year. That made the day all the more eventfull. My mind going back and forth from my separation to my missing my mommy breakdown.
> You cant help but be confused when things are consistent with your H though. I've learned that much. The pasrt two days have been eye opening to say the least. I've apent a lot of my alone time in deep thought about me. Have even sought some IC bwcause I am just that exhausted with us both. However im the only one that I can change, so that's where im starting.


That's all you can do. 


I am very sorry about your momma. I guess you've never had any grief counseling? You have sort of skirted around this issue a bit, but would you say that you are depressed? Depression over long periods of time is hard on a marriage.

I know you don't like drugs, but sometimes...

Just fyi, my D16 has suffered from depression and mood swings for a while and just went on Celexa back in January. It has done a world of good.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Christina909 said:


> Update yesterday it was day 52 since my H left. i have been calling him once a day and letting him know that i care just by asking regular things like do you need anything or just to say good night. so last night i called and asked him to dinner at first he say why then i said oh well never mind then. He then said ok and picked a restaurant where we first met. So i got all dressed up and met him there. He looked different almost like he hadn’t been taking care of like he needed a haircut. But we had a nice dinner and started to connect again. i told him i still cared for him and he said that i like living without him. I assured him that wasn’t true. So he said he would come back home. And we made up.=) Some insight he said to help him not call me he kept busy and stayed around friends. He also took long to come back because he didn’t want to come back to the same situation. I knew why he left and My daily calls assured him the situation was getting better but that I was not perfect either. I’m glad I didn’t make any sudden decisions the only decision I made was i changed my phone number which costs me 40 dollars and that was a waste. i read somewhere with all my readings it said "don’t look for someone new, concentrate on working it out with the one you already found. Then i read 70% of second marriages end up in divorce. I thought it is better to keep pursuing my spouse with Love even though he would not talk to me or answer my calls i would leave a loving voice mail short and sweet and sometimes he would then call me back.
> So even though he is home I am still going to finish my readings and keep working at our marriage. After reading Ed wheat’s book love life for every married couple, I realized marriage is such a true blessing he said we choose who we marry and God joins us together and we become one. The advice I would give is keep praying for your spouse ask God to soften his or her heart. And love them even if you are rejected. And while you’re waiting trust God and have faith which means stop talking negative about your spouse especially to others. And lastly helping someone else who is going through a tough time may help you not think so much everything. And if you have to do things and don’t feel like it just do the next thing and then the next until all your chores are done. There were days I didn’t want to clean go shopping for food etc. my lowest point was when I went to the doctor and she said my biological clock was ticking I was like Lord I don’t know what to do and I finally said I am out of ideas and strategies and I give my husband to you. Here is a verse I used when I prayed for him every night because that’s when I felt the most low was right before bedtime.
> 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.- Ezekiel 36:26


Yaay for you !!!!! Take things nice and slow that's what I would do should it one day happen with me. Please keep coming back posting. Don't stop all that. you have learned or are learning


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> He is confused too. He wants this to work out. But you have to fix you first.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That's all you can do.
> 
> 
> I am very sorry about your momma. I guess you've never had any grief counseling? You have sort of skirted around this issue a bit, but would you say that you are depressed? Depression over long periods of time is hard on a marriage.
> 
> I know you don't like drugs, but sometimes...
> 
> Just fyi, my D16 has suffered from depression and mood swings for a while and just went on Celexa back in January. It has done a world of good.


No. No grief counseling and Yes I am depressed very at times I would even say. Im starting to lean toward taking something because this time around i can't seem to shake it. I think he is as well, but he'll never admit to it. The thing with mama , yeah that's rough. It consumed so much of me and put the nail not only in her coffin but for the downward spiral of this marriage too. These past two years have been rough. Rough enough at tjmes that I just wanna throw in the towel and say forget even trying anymore. But im here, waking up yet another day . Wanting it to work with a man who im not sure the feeling is mutual about.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> After reading what I told you, rethink what you just said and reassess. What happened?


Ok I guess I get it. He was calling to gather information or possibly get laid one. Well I sure wish he would gather some info now. He asked me over here last evening and has had little to nothing to say. I feel real uncomfortable and like I just wanna grab my things and go home. This is so awkward when he does this. Yet continually asks what's on my mind ? Now if I answer that truthfully, he's gonna shut down even more. Should i keep sitting here like a lump on a log or just go home ?

The needs he meets are mainly financially. He always has made sure that things that may need purchasing are done. That's mainly it. Surely not my emotional or intimate needs those are areas he really struggles on. Intimacy is somewhat better now. Im more of a quality of than quantity of kinda gal. He doesn't get it on that I dont feel.
This is gonna be harder than i thought. I Feel i owe it to my kids to try i guess. 

On talking to him about how I need to know when he's displeased. Im on eggshells around tgis man most of the time now. What can I say ?What cant I say? If I should say it, how do I word it ? Then if I do say something and get no response, ahh rejection sets me back a million years. That makes me want to shut down and give up.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok I guess I get it. He was calling to gather information ? Well I sure wish he would gather some info now. He asked me over here last evening and has had little to nothing to say. I feel real uncomfortable and like I just wanna grab my things and go home. This is so awkward when he does this. Yet continually asks what's on my mind ? Now if I answer that truthfully, he's gonna shut down even more. Should i keep sitting here like a lump on a log or just go home ?


No. He is calling because you want him to. That is what you keep telling him you need from him. He is trying to connect with you.


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## catch22gofigure

En


lostwithouthim said:


> Having daily convos is good catch, that was the start of R for us all those years ago. I don't have any problem with convo, just ask my H, lol. He came round last night and we watched a bit of TV with our son. I still haven't told him about the day out we went on. I wouldn't go into details because he's not that religious but I'd share the odd things that happen during the day. Write a list if you want of what you want to talk about. Is there a programme tv that you watched? Did you go out for any reason to meet friends or go shopping? Did anything funny happen whilst you are out? Is there anything happening in the news at the mo that you could share? Ask him how his days been so far. one thing that I've read is that you need to listen more to your spouse. Let him do the talking, has he been up to anything interesting? etc. Hope this helps


I've been thinking a list would be nice to start having handy. I want to listen to him Lost but he's not much of a talker. He either is or isn't talking. Anything else is just normal convo... news, weather, traffic....or his work. When I try and make small talk I don't get much of a response which leaves me feeling rejected.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> No. No grief counseling and Yes I am depressed very at times I would even say. Im starting to lean toward taking something because this time around i can't seem to shake it. I think he is as well, but he'll never admit to it. The thing with mama , yeah that's rough. It consumed so much of me and put the nail not only in her coffin but for the downward spiral of this marriage too. These past two years have been rough. Rough enough at tjmes that I just wanna throw in the towel and say forget even trying anymore. But im here, waking up yet another day . Wanting it to work with a man who im not sure the feeling is mutual about.


As for the depression Catch...my opinion is that this has been going on too long. It is time for you to get some help. Counseling and a pill may be the ticket for a while.

BTW, your H is depressed because his W is depressed and his marriage is in the toilet. When those two things start to improve, so will his attitude.

BTW, a man who asks you to move into his apartment, wants to have sex with you, cooks you breakfast and calls you several times a day is a man who wants things to work out. You are on this forum, so my thinking is that you want it too. Unless you are on here just to b!tch and moan. 

Before you toss away this relationship, about 70% of the women in the black community want what you have, a man that loves you, is responsible, hard working, faithful and takes care of his wife and kids. He isn't perfect, but think twice before you throw that away. Maybe my stats are off a bit but just sayin'...he has options.

What is on your mind BTW when he asks you?


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Either that or he's cake eating  I know he's not got a lot of money at the mo, so this is his way of saving some  Mind you I did have to persuade him a few time to have a sandwich as he said he didn't want to put me to any trouble


I just think he wanted you to ask him,because him asking could be another pride issue. You offering takes away that issue with pride. In his mind he only after the sandwich after you offered. I know my H is no happy camper when he has no money. That's something we are actually dealing with now on top of everything else. Him + broke = A VERY uncomfortable time for me. Nothing makes him happy during this time and he gets all depressed and down.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> No. He is calling because you want him to. That is what you keep telling him you need from him. He is trying to connect with you.


Ohhhhh (lightbulb came on ) So what do I do with that ? Cause I don't verbally tell him to call he just does. Every break time , when he wakes, when he's in stores , often...with the same old questions most time. Unless he needs advice on something.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I know my H is no happy camper when he has no money. That's something we are actually dealing with now on top of everything else. Him + broke = A VERY uncomfortable time for me. Nothing makes him happy during this time and he gets all depressed and down.


This is something else I was worried about Catch. You aren't working and he is supporting 2 households. That is going to be a major stressor.


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## Tron

Tron said:


> What is on your mind BTW when he asks you?


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok I guess I get it. He was calling to gather information or possibly get laid one. Well I sure wish he would gather some info now. He asked me over here last evening and has had little to nothing to say. I feel real uncomfortable and like I just wanna grab my things and go home. This is so awkward when he does this. Yet continually asks what's on my mind ? Now if I answer that truthfully, he's gonna shut down even more. Should i keep sitting here like a lump on a log or just go home ?


What kind of non-verbal communication do you get from him? He may be communicating in other ways and you just aren't listening.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> As for the depression Catch...my opinion is that this has been going on too long. It is time for you to get some help. Counseling and a pill may be the ticket for a while.
> 
> BTW, your H is depressed because his W is depressed and his marriage is in the toilet. When those two things start to improve, so will his attitude.
> 
> BTW, a man who asks you to move into his apartment, wants to have sex with you, cooks you breakfast and calls you several times a day is a man who wants things to work out. You are on this forum, so my thinking is that you want it too. Unless you are on here just to b!tch and moan.
> 
> Before you toss away this relationship, about 70% of the women in the black community want what you have, a man that loves you, is responsible, hard working, faithful and takes care of his wife and kids. He isn't perfect, but think twice before you throw that away. Maybe my stats are off a bit but just sayin'...he has options.
> 
> What is on your mind BTW when he asks you?


And I dont want to throw it all away; but its kinda hard keeping it out of the garbage can all alone. Im also aware that he is a good man. Now dont get me wrong now. The blame of this is NOT all mine. There have been many of things he's done that helped get me to this point. Now since me starting this forum , there are no OW that I know of . But trust me there has been a one night stand or two slipped in by there by the H. There has been times where he has just out the blue accuse me of being unfaithful and no proof. Other than the fact that he chose working two jobs over family time. Him being stuck at work wondering what im doing. I guess because of the lack of what he's doing in that dept. Every single break he would call..who is that in the background, where you been, what you have on, ...I mean , why be married to someone you think is a ***** ? And I would ask him just that. He has serious trust issues because of the crap he's done. 
You are stepping all over my toes Tron...but I love it. You are really getting my wheels spinning here.
Whats on my mind is that I want to move in with him, that's being honest. However whats wrong with the home we own ? All this goes through my mind. See his apartment is small. This would greatly inconvenience the kids. Though it's more affordable than the house.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What kind of non-verbal communication do you get from him? He may be communicating in other ways and you just aren't listening.


Theres plenty of that

Staring at me ( i catch him in my peripheral) 
A** grabbing
Wants me to sit close to him often
Grabbing of any private body part of mine really
Showing up at my house un announced 
Back rubbing
Always trying to feed me something 

Distance sometimes on days like this (sitting close enough ;but yet far enough away )

Those are a few I notice daily


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## Tron

What if you move into the apartment and rent the house. Can you make any money at it?


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Theres plenty of that
> 
> Staring at me ( i catch him in my peripheral)
> A** grabbing
> Wants me to sit close to him often
> Grabbing of any private body part of mine really
> Showing up at my house un announced
> Back rubbing
> Always trying to feed me something
> 
> Distance sometimes on days like this (sitting close enough ;but yet far enough away )
> 
> Those are a few I notice daily


That is a lot of communication. So why is verbal so important? Why are you feeling rejected when he doesn't talk?

Silence can be nice too.


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## catch22gofigure

Though I answered this one a few ago. I want to add that. I want to be back in the home with him. I just cant believe that he is serious about this. I mean he moved out, got and apt while I was NC. I allow contact, you realize im in a financial bind, and now you want me to move out of the house built from the ground up for us. Into a small apt that is convenient for him ? I think he's just feeling guilty at times that he left. See his leave came after a layoff. This man is a workaholic. If he is not working. He is not happy. The job set him off ok until he finds work. So it wasn't a money thing why he flips out. He just has to be busy working. Which is ok...bit don't take it out on me. So a month after his layoff stuff hit the fan. He found work quickly..but uhhh too late now. Now he's got the apt, our issues, and now I'm laid off. The new job does not pay him what the old one did. So he cant afford the bills in two houses. 
I feel out of line talking to him about my true feelings on this. This is the same man who gave up on me, our life, our family. I dont know how anymore to tell him my true feelings. .without opening myself up to more hurt.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I just think he wanted you to ask him,because him asking could be another pride issue. You offering takes away that issue with pride. In his mind he only after the sandwich after you offered. I know my H is no happy camper when he has no money. That's something we are actually dealing with now on top of everything else. Him + broke = A VERY uncomfortable time for me. Nothing makes him happy during this time and he gets all depressed and down.


Sounds like my H when he has no money, he's down and depressed. As for the talk thing, yes I totally get that, especially when you sit there thinking of stuff to say and they only reply with a one word answer


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What if you move into the apartment and rent the house. Can you make any money at it?


Not an option, my adult daughter though could move in we only owe a few more years on it. He doesn't want to sell it. But seems to me maybe its too many memories in it for him to want to move back in it.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> That is a lot of communication. So why is verbal so important? Why are you feeling rejected when he doesn't talk?
> 
> Silence can be nice too.


Honestly this just came to mind when you asked me that. I've never been asked that before..
Mama , when she would get mad ,would go silent. I could scream,cry, call her name a million times and she would not respond. Left me not knowing if I was about to get spanked or what, for whatever I just did or said. Guess thats epiphany #2 ,huh...

If that's communication, why am I not hearing what he's saying? Are you ?


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Sounds like my H when he has no money, he's down and depressed. As for the talk thing, yes I totally get that, especially when you sit there thinking of stuff to say and they only reply with a one word answer


Honey tell me about it. Its been times where I do some really dumb stuff to try and compensate. Because I know how his reactions to broke is gonna be. I hate it. Since i realized this it's always been a thorn for us. About 6 yrs now.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> This is something else I was worried about Catch. You aren't working and he is supporting 2 households. That is going to be a major stressor.


Very big stressor. Thank God I have two interviews next week, so hopefully things will turn around soon. I got laid off in April.


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## lostwithouthim

Catch, I know how much you want to stay in your own home and I don't blame you for that  I don't want to move out of the family home either


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, I know how much you want to stay in your own home and I don't blame you for that  I don't want to move out of the family home either


Its not just that Lost , because there is the plan to relocate. If I get this job, which isin another city, no talk of a R..then the most sensible thing for me to do is leave. He doesn't want me to , but should his say even count these days. I'm not sure where his head is with me these days.

I also feel there are many memories in that home. Either that or bad spirits one...lol. I do however have a heavy task ahead of me in correcting a lot of my character mess. This. may even make my thought process a little more clear as to my plans.


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## catch22gofigure

Im sitting here now awaiting him to wake up from bed. The kids are with relatives and I have a million questions in my mind. Do i cook him brkfst ? Or will that be.seen as clingy, do I leave and go home now (last time he was upset that I left and ****ed an attitude) Do I stay here and experience the distance he had last evening and could very well wake back up with ? Im gonna be positive no matter what. But I see a rollercoaster in the view...i don't want to ride today dear God... can he wake up without the crap today ?


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Its not just that Lost , because there is the plan to relocate. If I get this job, which isin another city, no talk of a R..then the most sensible thing for me to do is leave. He doesn't want me to , but should his say even count these days. I'm not sure where his head is with me these days.
> 
> I also feel there are many memories in that home. Either that or bad spirits one...lol. I do however have a heavy task ahead of me in correcting a lot of my character mess. This. may even make my thought process a little more clear as to my plans.


Sorry I forgot that you wanted to up sticks and move away  You've not mentioned it for a while that's all!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Im sitting here now awaiting him to wake up from bed. The kids are with relatives and I have a million questions in my mind. Do i cook him brkfst ? Or will that be.seen as clingy, do I leave and go home now (last time he was upset that I left and ****ed an attitude) Do I stay here and experience the distance he had last evening and could very well wake back up with ? Im gonna be positive no matter what. But I see a rollercoaster in the view...i don't want to ride today dear God... can he wake up without the crap today ?


Hope it's not too late for my reply and you've already sorted it out in your head  What I do in this situation is give it to God, tell God how he's hurt you and that you don't want any hurt from him today. I would cook him breakfast, no one can wake up in a bad mood when they can smell breakfast cooking lol  You know the saying - the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, lol  It will be a big love deposit as well  Good luck whatever you decide to do


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Sorry I forgot that you wanted to up sticks and move away  You've not mentioned it for a while that's all!


Not really so much that I want to. I just feel I don't have any other option especially as far as employment goes


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Honestly this just came to mind when you asked me that. I've never been asked that before..
> Mama , when she would get mad ,would go silent. I could scream,cry, call her name a million times and she would not respond. Left me not knowing if I was about to get spanked or what, for whatever I just did or said. Guess thats epiphany #2 ,huh...
> 
> If that's communication, why am I not hearing what he's saying? Are you ?


Your H is not your mama and never will be. But now I see why silence from him is seen by you as something negative and rejection. I am sorry your mom did that to you. It is terribly unfair and the absolute worst way to deal with conflict. Look up 'stonewalling'. That was your mom. That is not your H. I don't get the vibe that your H is a stonewaller, he just doesn't have much to say. 

If a man is stressed out or has a lot on his mind we will tend to go into a cave or shell and deal with it internally. We need some time and after a while we will come out and be interactive again. This is not a rejection this is just how we 'deal'. Make no mistake though, during that time we don't want to be bothered. Do you follow?

You have some serious mommy issues Catch. I won't lie to you but these need to be worked on in therapy. A huge source of your resentment resides there IMO. This last post clarified some thoughts I had yesterday but did not want to share without confirmation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hope it's not too late for my reply and you've already sorted it out in your head  What I do in this situation is give it to God, tell God how he's hurt you and that you don't want any hurt from him today. I would cook him breakfast, no one can wake up in a bad mood when they can smell breakfast cooking lol  You know the saying - the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, lol  It will be a big love deposit as well  Good luck whatever you decide to do


Well truth is...i got hungry hungry..lol cooked breakfast. So far all is well. Let's keep it this way please God


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Well truth is...i got hungry hungry..lol cooked breakfast. So far all is well. Let's keep it this way please God


That's good. 

When you do your 180 on your H what are you doing exactly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Your H is not your mama and never will be. But now I see why silence from him is seen by you as something negative and rejection. I am sorry your mom did that to you. It is terribly unfair and the absolute worst way to deal with conflict. Look up 'stonewalling'. That was your mom. That is not your H. I don't get the vibe that your H is a stonewaller, he just doesn't have much to say.
> 
> If a man is stressed out or has a lot on his mind we will tend to go into a cave or shell and deal with it internally. We need some time and after a while we will come out and be interactive again. This is not a rejection this is just how we 'deal'. Make no mistake though, during that time we don't want to be bothered. Do you follow?
> 
> You have some serious mommy issues Catch. I won't lie to you but these need to be worked on in therapy. A huge source of your resentment resides there IMO. This last post clarified some thoughts I had yesterday but did not want to share without confirmation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Correct again, she is one of the main reasons im seeking IC..though I loved her dearly
Severe damage was done. Emotionally over the years by her. She too had no idea this is what she was doing. Im learning the whole men needing their think time thing. I am seriously trying to give him the understanding of that part when I know he is stressed. Mama never really liked H either. For no reason she just didn't. They were cordial. But I knew her. She didn't like him. They struggled over who my loyalty should lie with it seemed.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Correct again, she is one of the main reasons im seeking IC..though I loved her dearly
> Severe damage was done. Emotionally over the years by her. She too had no idea this is what she was doing. Im learning the whole men needing their think time thing. I am seriously trying to give him the understanding of that part when I know he is stressed. Mama never really liked H either. For no reason she just didn't. They were cordial. But I knew her. She didn't like him. They struggled over who my loyalty should lie with it seemed.


Once you marry, your loyalty should first and foremost lie with your spouse and your children. If your H believed that you did not feel that way and that your loyalty lay with your mama, that could be a source of resentment from him. Pretty easy to deal with that now as she is not with us anymore.

I don't want to be pushy, but am going to ask again, your 180...what is the 180 you have been doing on your H? And are you still doing it?


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## catch22gofigure

D i


Tron said:


> Once you marry, your loyalty should first and foremost lie with your spouse and your children. If your H believed that you did not feel that way and that your loyalty lay with your mama, that could be a source of resentment from him. Pretty easy to deal with that now as she is not with us anymore.
> 
> I don't want to be pushy, but am going to ask again, your 180...what is the 180 you have been doing on your H? And are you still doing it?


Right, she never understood that though. I stopped catering to her and my siblings about 4 yrs ago. He was able to relay to me that it was not something he was happy with. So she and I really began not to see eye to eye about a lot. Then 2yrs ago it went right back to that when she suddenly took ill and passed. Im the oldest all affairs and stuff left up to me with no support from relatives. My 180 has been off and on. I plan on lessoning contact some. Not too much as, my withdrawing is a huge issue for us. Never spoken about until a huge fight, but it comes up. 
Im trying to remain positive no matter what in this. That was a huge issue too. I react off of his energy or vibe. Like last night, that distance stuff makes me want to say forget it. If you don't want to fight then why should I ? I've said that several times. Then I regroup and re think and come to the conclusion that I have some fight left in me. 

Ive put him on a sex diet...that is not goin over to well for him I can see. So ive given in a couple of times even on that. He doesn't understand that. It's like a huge form of rejection to him it seems. One of the main reasons i was getting that distant feeling from him last night. Its here today, almost like he realizes he's doing it and.trying not to. It's taking all I got to keep touching him with this lil mood he has. But tryyyiinnnng to do what his love language needs . I'm already holding out on him...so idk how this will hold up much longer. Idk even if I can handle yer another azz smack either. I mean makes me feel like a sex object or something. Even though I kinda like it. How can you be distant and slap happy at the same dang time ? He's napping now with his head in my lap...so we'll see how the mood is after that.
How do you think my 180 should go ? We've been discussing here how each person's 180 is kinda different. So im interested in seeing how you think I should conduct it.


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## Tron

Just to recap, cause I don't totally understand your answer.

So is your 180 not to interact with him at all? 

Minimal interaction for kids and money? 

Not making yourself 100% available sexually? Putting him on a diet?

What is the goal of this 180? Just to get him to move back into the family home or is there some other goal?

Just so you understand what and why I am asking this...workingatit did a 180, but her 180 was not "no interaction, no sex". Her 180 was a total reversal of the dynamic in the marriage before separation. Before the separation her H would come home, they would go through their normal routine, and then around 8 or 9 o'clock before bed she would get into it with her H, nagging, b1tching, arguing, fighting etc. Noone wants to deal with that every night and then have sex, so they never had sex and never connected in that way. No sex for the majority of men is a death wish on a marriage. 

Now workingatit did this every night because she had unresolved resentment and lack of forgiveness over an EA/PA that he had 10 years earlier. They never "cleared the air" so to speak when it happened and he was allowed to rugsweep the affair. The hurt feelings festered and created the unhealthy dynamic that I just mentioned. He moved out and she wanted him back. Her 180 was to eliminate interaction with him of the kind that was poisoning the marriage, i.e. the nagging, b1tching, fighting etc., to finally forgive him for the affair and figure out ways to connect with him that he could recognize and show him she loved him. Once he moved out they essentially did not fight any more. What he needed from her in order to come home was clear evidence and a commitment from her not to engage in that behavior any more and that she *loved* him and *wanted* him. Connection and sex followed from there.

Your 180 should not be zero or limited interaction in my opinion. I am trying to figure out why exactly he moved out, what kind of stuff was going on that forced the issue and made him say I cannot deal with her $hit any more. Find out what that is and then stop doing it. Do the things that will make him feel loved and wanted. That is your 180. 

He isn't so angry with you that he isn't having sex with you. He hasn't got a POSOW. You aren't his Plan B. He still communicates with you regularly, he wants you physically and you are still sexing it up with him on occasion. He isn't a cake-eater. He is connecting with you on some level.

If you are going dark or curtailing all interaction with him and giving him the cold shoulder, how is this any different from what your mama did to you? 

You are outright rejecting him, plain and simple. Am I wrong?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Just to recap, cause I don't totally understand your answer.
> 
> So is your 180 not to interact with him at all?
> 
> Minimal interaction for kids and money?
> 
> Not making yourself 100% available sexually? Putting him on a diet?
> 
> What is the goal of this 180? Just to get him to move back into the family home or is there some other goal?
> 
> Just so you understand what and why I am asking this...workingatit did a 180, but her 180 was not "no interaction, no sex". Her 180 was a total reversal of the dynamic in the marriage before separation. Before the separation her H would come home, they would go through their normal routine, and then around 8 or 9 o'clock before bed she would get into it with her H, nagging, b1tching, arguing, fighting etc. Noone wants to deal with that every night and then have sex, so they never had sex and never connected in that way. No sex for the majority of men is a death wish on a marriage.
> 
> Now workingatit did this every night because she had unresolved resentment and lack of forgiveness over an EA/PA that he had 10 years earlier. They never "cleared the air" so to speak when it happened and he was allowed to rugsweep the affair. The hurt feelings festered and created the unhealthy dynamic that I just mentioned. He moved out and she wanted him back. Her 180 was to eliminate interaction with him of the kind that was poisoning the marriage, i.e. the nagging, b1tching, fighting etc. and to finally forgive him for the affair. Once he moved out they essentially did not fight any more. What he needed from her in order to come home was clear evidence and a commitment from her not to engage in that behavior any more. Connection and sex followed from there.
> 
> Your 180 should not be zero or limited interaction in my opinion. I am trying to figure out why exactly he moved out, what kind of stuff was going on that forced the issue and made him say I cannot deal with her $hit any more. Find out what that is and then stop doing it. That is your 180.
> 
> He isn't so angry with you that he isn't having sex with you. He hasn't got a POSOW. You aren't his Plan B. He still communicates with you regularly, he wants you physically and you are still sexing it up with him on occasion. He isn't a cake-eater. He is connecting with you on some level.
> 
> If you are going dark or curtailing all interaction with him and giving him the cold shoulder, how is this any different from what your mama did to you?
> 
> You are outright rejecting him, plain and simple. Am I wrong?


Ugggghhj !!!! No you're dead on. Some of my resentment is from the same as workingatits. From even before we got married. And my husband is feeling and saying the same stuff hers did. The way they interacted was just like us. Other than the fact that she was working, they had a small child, and that they did soend a lot of time apart during separation. I try to go home and stay home. He will come by or call and talk me right back over here to his apartment 10 min away


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Just to recap, cause I don't totally understand your answer.
> 
> So is your 180 not to interact with him at all?
> 
> im always interactive with him. I thought I wasbdoing it wrong and should be limiting contact. I dont initiate phone calls or texts.
> 
> Minimal interaction for kids and money?
> 
> Nope..me and the kids come over together
> 
> Not making yourself 100% available sexually? Putting him on a diet?
> Yep, well I was til last week.
> 
> What is the goal of this 180? Just to get him to move back into the family home or is there some other goal?
> 
> No the entire dynamic needs to change. Im gonna be honest. Im all over the place with the 180 thing. I just am.
> 
> Just so you understand what and why I am asking this...workingatit did a 180, but her 180 was not "no interaction, no sex". Her 180 was a total reversal of the dynamic in the marriage before separation. Before the separation her H would come home, they would go through their normal routine, and then around 8 or 9 o'clock before bed she would get into it with her H, nagging, b1tching, arguing, fighting etc. Noone wants to deal with that every night and then have sex, so they never had sex and never connected in that way. No sex for the majority of men is a death wish on a marriage.
> 
> Now workingatit did this every night because she had unresolved resentment and lack of forgiveness over an EA/PA that he had 10 years earlier. They never "cleared the air" so to speak when it happened and he was allowed to rugsweep the affair. The hurt feelings festered and created the unhealthy dynamic that I just mentioned. He moved out and she wanted him back. Her 180 was to eliminate interaction with him of the kind that was poisoning the marriage, i.e. the nagging, b1tching, fighting etc. and to finally forgive him for the affair. Once he moved out they essentially did not fight any more. What he needed from her in order to come home was clear evidence and a commitment from her not to engage in that behavior any more. Connection and sex followed from there.
> 
> Your 180 should not be zero or limited interaction in my opinion. I am trying to figure out why exactly he moved out, what kind of stuff was going on that forced the issue and made him say I cannot deal with her $hit any more. Find out what that is and then stop doing it. That is your 180.
> 
> He isn't so angry with you that he isn't having sex with you. He hasn't got a POSOW. You aren't his Plan B. He still communicates with you regularly, he wants you physically and you are still sexing it up with him on occasion. He isn't a cake-eater. He is connecting with you on some level.
> 
> If you are going dark or curtailing all interaction with him and giving him the cold shoulder, how is this any different from what your mama did to you?
> 
> You are outright rejecting him, plain and simple. Am I wrong?


Ugggghhj !!!! No you're dead on. Some of my resentment is from the same as workingatits. From even before we got married. And my husband is feeling and saying the same stuff hers did. The way they interacted was just like us. Other than the fact that she was working, they had a small child, and that they did soend a lot of time apart during separation. I try to go home and stay home. He will come by or call and talk me right back over here to his apartment 10 min away


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## catch22gofigure

Ummm my answers didn't separate themselves like I thought they would from your questions Tron. As i was telling you before. My story and workingatits is just about identical. Needs, wants, the confusions, , unforgiveness, rejections. Her reactions to him, his reactions to her. All the same. Reading her thread was like reading our story online.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I react off of his energy or vibe.


I think this is important. You need to try and not be so reactive. workingatit and her H had the same issues. They fed off each other's negative energy until there wasn't anything positive left.



catch22gofigure said:


> Ive put him on a sex diet...that is not goin over to well for him I can see. So ive given in a couple of times even on that. He doesn't understand that. It's like a huge form of rejection to him it seems.


Until we get to the root of your issues, you need to take the sex diet off the table. It is rejection. 

I understand that you don't feel like you are getting your needs met and therefore aren't too interested in sex. We need to work on that and figure out how he can, is, or should be meeting those needs. When he wants it you feel like a piece of meat/sex object. My w and I had the same issues many years ago. The resentment you carry is a clear impediment here because you aren't feeling positive about the good things he is actually doing. workingatit and her H had the same problems.



catch22gofigure said:


> Idk even if I can handle yer another azz smack either. I mean makes me feel like a sex object or something. Even though I kinda like it. How can you be distant and slap happy at the same dang time ? He's napping now with his head in my lap...so we'll see how the mood is after that.


I cannot like this enough. This is sweet sugar. He is feeling close to you. You should be happy.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok that's where I first started after reading workingatits post. To try and stop reacting. Man am i happy for coming off the sex diet..this was kicking even my behind, whew ! Its not so much when he wants it that gets me. Its how he approaches me for it sometimes. It's just certain stuff I find really tacky. Things he say...ugggh .i cant even go there here, if only you knew. It's like he's ugghhh. Nevermind that right now. So this house to house back and forth thing...do I decline his offers to come over ? And how can I know when he's needing his space. Cause you cant just invite somebody over and go into think mode on them, that's ludacris.

This on my lap thing is a suck up move though. Believe me when I tell you this. He feels bad for not allowing" more time " if ya catch my drift. So he's sleeping like a baby and im pissed , but forced to remain positive. See my positivity


----------



## catch22gofigure

Im going home tonight though. I need to get some things done. His entire mood with me is gonna change,this I know. Preparing myself for it now. I may stay no later than the morning though if I see its gonna jar things too much. Decisions, Decisions. ...


----------



## lostwithouthim

workingatits story and mine sound very similar, we never really resolved the affair and he swept it under the carpet and refused to talk about it. We should've gone to mc or ic back then, but that's another story.
He moved out earlier this year and came back after a week saying that he's missed me. during that time we engaged frequently and then this time it was him that withdrew his advances and left again saying that the past issues had not been resolved.
In this case, are you saying that I should be engaging in sex if he asks for it? To me that seems wrong as he should be back living with me before I consider sex with him. I've connected to him by giving him a back massage, but he asked me not to tell anyone. He's not asked me since, but sometimes our talks can be about why I didn't do this or that. He's not asked me for sex. I think that would be a total mind**** if he did. 
Do you not consider that cake eating tron? Are you being a typical bloke here and just thinking about your d***? It would make me even more depressed if we had sex, he left to go back to his place and then didn't speak to me for a few days.
I sent him a text earlier today and he didn't respond to it straight away like he normally does. I was feeling down about what my MIL said the other day and the silence from him just brought me into a depression, so I went to bed. I've slept for a few hours, I didn't realise the time and then I've decided to comfort eat tonight instead of having a sandwich as I've already had a big lunch.
I know we've got a long way to go, but how can I change when I get in these depressed moods? I had all these jobs lined up today, so that he'll be impressed when he came round to pick my son up tomorrow. None of them have been done and the house is a mess  Even though he's suffered from depression himself, he can't seem to understand my depression. I often go to bed when I'm depressed and I am totally unmotivated. He thinks it's just an excuse for not doing any housework.
I did finally get a text about 10 mins ago, but it was just a quick response. Still feeling like s**t. I do wonder if he's been talking to his mum, I know he's seen his mates today so they've probably stirred it up!
I know I'm probably being silly here, but when he's here I'm happy  I know I should leave it to God, but I still try and solve it on my own. God didn't stop me from sending that text like he will do sometimes. I should feel closer to God at the moment, I received the gift of the holy spirit this morning at church but since I've left I've been feeling low. 
I suppose as well my son has been stressing me out today. I know he can't help it, but he wanted to know what time we'd be back from the shops. My friend also brought some wine in at lunchtime, so maybe that put me in a low mood. It was our patronal festival today as our church is the church of the holy spirit ans so we had a lunch at church  We had a great time, great company and fab food  It's just the rest of the day that's been rubbish, lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Im going home tonight though. I need to get some things done. His entire mood with me is gonna change,this I know. Preparing myself for it now. I may stay no later than the morning though if I see its gonna jar things too much. Decisions, Decisions. ...


Has he woken up in a bad mood then catch? See how the land lies with him, he might want you to stay  If he's in a good mood and he's happy then I would stay  If you've had some drink today, then he may be a bit fed up. I know you're not supposed to drink on anti depressants or drink if you're depressed. Go with your heart and God


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> This last post clarified some thoughts I had yesterday but did not want to share without confirmation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tron, would you do me a huge favor and go to page 23 of this thread and look at what I wrote when I found this thread? I think it's post 337 on 5-16-2013 at 9:17pm. I gave you the page number because I don't know how to get a post from one post to another...sorry. 

You have been so wonderful at figuring things out for Catch. I was wondering if you had the time, could you go through my post and see what you come up with? Everything for me is such a mess and it helps when someone can take a look at the situation without being emotionally attached to the situation. Take your time as I know you are working with Catch at the moment and I don't want to take anything away from that. I am amazed at how much insight you have with Catch in such a very small amount of time. She is going to start sky rocketing from here on out once she gets into IC. WOW! I am just amazed to say the least. 

There is one thing about the 180 that I explained in another post that I should tell you just in case you can offer any insight to my situation. I have to be careful and use the 180 as a guide because not only does my husband also know about the 180 and does use it, he also has post traumatic syndrome due to our incident of domestic violence. So, before I can do anything like the 180 or anything else suggests I have to try and figure out if it will do more damage than good before implementing it. 

Thank you in advance. 

I have said it before, but I will say it again...you guys and gals on this thread are amazing!


----------



## Finding Nemo

Would you please bring me some eggs, too....I am hungry hungry, too. I really should eat before I read the posts from you guys. You always make me hungry. :smthumbup:

I will back after a bit. I just finished reading all of the posts. Now I am trying to change gears and my focus so that I can better handle seeing my husband in a few hours. I am not kidding, my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest with anticipation. It's sad that I feel this much now and I don't even have a guarantee that I will get a hug and a kiss tonight.

I guess if nothing else, I shall have to settle for loving him from afar. Sigh....


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> We had a great time, great company and fab food  It's just the rest of the day that's been rubbish, lol.




Aww. (( HUGS)) I totally know what you are feeling. I am usually really good about keeping things picked up and put away but since finding out about my husband's apartment earlier in the week and the really jacked up conversation I had with him that same day I just haven't cared. He won't see the mess any way so I figure what's the use. Tonight before I go to bed I will work on some of it and then I won't feel so bad about it. I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Aww. (( HUGS)) I totally know what you are feeling. I am usually really good about keeping things picked up and put away but since finding out about my husband's apartment earlier in the week and the really jacked up conversation I had with him that same day I just haven't cared. He won't see the mess any way so I figure what's the use. Tonight before I go to bed I will work on some of it and then I won't feel so bad about it. I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight.


Thanks Nemo  Well I've tidied up the kitchen a bit, but probably not to my H's standard, lol. I'm off out early tomorrow, going to a beauty show  Hopefully tomorrow will be better than today


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Preparing myself for it now.



This is negative thinking before anything even happens. You are not living in the reality of the situation. You are psyching yourself up for failure whether you want it or not. I am a pro at this kind of behavior so I identify with it upon first sight. 

If you are still there, try to change that line of thinking if you can think straight. Think of something that you really want...like to be with your husband living together happily ever after. Forget the details of how you get there...just change those thoughts to something more positive. 

I am closing my eyes now and saying a prayer for us all right now. Seems like we could all use a calm to wash over us.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> , I received the gift of the holy spirit this morning at church but since I've left I've been feeling low.
> I suppose as well my son has been stressing me out today. I know he can't help it, but he wanted to know what time we'd be back from the shops. My friend also brought some wine in at lunchtime, so maybe that put me in a low mood. It was our patronal festival today as our church is the church of the holy spirit ans so we had a lunch at church  We had a great time, great company and fab food  It's just the rest of the day that's been rubbish, lol.


This is awesome! I received it 5 yrs ago. Though I have my battles ,my life totally changed forever. The way im able to communicate with God increased, the main reason that im yet holding on. The evidence of praying in tongues amazes me.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Has he woken up in a bad mood then catch? See how the land lies with him, he might want you to stay  If he's in a good mood and he's happy then I would stay  If you've had some drink today, then he may be a bit fed up. I know you're not supposed to drink on anti depressants or drink if you're depressed. Go with your heart and God


He just did Lost. Somehow I fell asleep. Just woke up and started prepping my things to leave. His attitude start rising and he said ,D**m u leaving? I replied that ive basically been over here more than home this week and I know you want your space. His reply. If I need my space i know how to tell you. NOW that rubbed me wrong anyway BUT positivity is what I chose to do. See my positive face ? Lol so i said ok, i guess another night won't hurt. He is right now in normal mode. Lets see.how the evening transpires. I promise this man has a period at times :rofl:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> This is negative thinking before anything even happens. You are not living in the reality of the situation. You are psyching yourself up for failure whether you want it or not. I am a pro at this kind of behavior so I identify with it upon first sight.
> 
> If you are still there, try to change that line of thinking if you can think straight. Think of something that you really want...like to be with your husband living together happily ever after. Forget the details of how you get there...just change those thoughts to something more positive.
> 
> I am closing my eyes now and saying a prayer for us all right now. Seems like we could all use a calm to wash over us.


So very true. My fear of being hurt I guess. One of my walls. Tearing them down brick by brick is my goal. Thanks and continue to point it out to me. Its auto responses most of the time. I have done it before (changing my thinking) i know it literally changes your life. So keep praying for me as I embark on this journey.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Has he woken up in a bad mood then catch? See how the land lies with him, he might want you to stay  If he's in a good mood and he's happy then I would stay  If you've had some drink today, then he may be a bit fed up. I know you're not supposed to drink on anti depressants or drink if you're depressed. Go with your heart and God


I haven't started any anti depressants yet. I drink occasionally with him though. He actually just left to go get some. Its raining cats and dogs here ,.so he suggested monopoly and a lil "drink"... hey im game, why not. Though Monopoly is the longest game ever ..im gonna play :absolut: should leave me like this :corkysm60: ...uber fun..lol we'll. See


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> This is awesome! I received it 5 yrs ago. Though I have my battles ,my life totally changed forever. The way im able to communicate with God increased, the main reason that im yet holding on. The evidence of praying in tongues amazes me.


I can't speak in tongues, but most of the time I know he is there  We celebrated pentecost today, when the holy spirit came down on the disciples. It was a lovely service and I've still got one of the hymns in my head  I'll share it on here as it is very positive, something we all need at the mo  Walk in the light of the Lord.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He just did Lost. Somehow I fell asleep. Just woke up and started prepping my things to leave. His attitude start rising and he said ,D**m u leaving? I replied that ive basically been over here more than home this week and I know you want your space. His reply. If I need my space i know how to tell you. NOW that rubbed me wrong anyway BUT positivity is what I chose to do. See my positive face ? Lol so i said ok, i guess another night won't hurt. He is right now in normal mode. Lets see.how the evening transpires. I promise this man has a period at times :rofl:


I'm not surprised he rubbed you up the wrong way, that would've rubbed me up the wrong way as well! I think he's needs to change his attitude towards you if he is even thinking of R. Something like - oh are you going? I thought you'd like to stay another night, or something like that, lol.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I can't speak in tongues, but most of the time I know he is there  We celebrated pentecost today, when the holy spirit came down on the disciples. It was a lovely service and I've still got one of the hymns in my head  I'll share it on here as it is very positive, something we all need at the mo  Walk in the light of the Lord.


Some people do some don't I've learned. Just knowing He is with us is enough for me. Scared me the first time it happened. That's the me I'm trying to get back to. Being totally sold out and trusting of Him. My God is awesome, especially to put up with a sinner like me


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Some people do some don't I've learned. Just knowing He is with us is enough for me. Scared me the first time it happened. That's the me I'm trying to get back to. Being totally sold out and trusting of Him. My God is awesome, especially to put up with a sinner like me


I think it would scare me as well! I've sometimes been singing though and the words come out all gobblygoop, so I suppose that's the same thing, lol.
I'm off to bed now, early start tomorrow  Enjoy the rest day, what's left of it, lol. Thanks you guys, I feel a lot better now  Take care and God bless


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> He just did Lost. Somehow I fell asleep. Just woke up and started prepping my things to leave. His attitude start rising and he said ,D**m u leaving? I replied that ive basically been over here more than home this week and I know you want your space. His reply. If I need my space i know how to tell you. NOW that rubbed me wrong anyway BUT positivity is what I chose to do. See my positive face ? Lol so i said ok, i guess another night won't hurt. He is right now in normal mode. Lets see.how the evening transpires. I promise this man has a period at times :rofl:


Catch, this is great! He isn't afraid to tell you he needs space and is aware of when he needs it. Don't let that rub you any way but good. He doesn't want you to leave and wants quality time with you.

Just to confirm, he is not cheating on you right? When your spouse is cheating on you and/or leaving you for someone else, that is when you cut them off...no sex. When they leave cause you aren't getting along...sex is just another tool to connect with them and bring them home. OK?


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> workingatits story and mine sound very similar, we never really resolved the affair and he swept it under the carpet and refused to talk about it. We should've gone to mc or ic back then, but that's another story.
> He moved out earlier this year and came back after a week saying that he's missed me. during that time we engaged frequently and then this time it was him that withdrew his advances and left again saying that the past issues had not been resolved.


If he won't discuss the affair with you, you wont get closure, you never get past it and it festers like a bad wound. It creates resentment. Rugsweeping and trickle truth over an affair is bad news and bad for a marriage. 



lostwithouthim said:


> In this case, are you saying that I should be engaging in sex if he asks for it? To me that seems wrong as he should be back living with me before I consider sex with him. I've connected to him by giving him a back massage, but he asked me not to tell anyone. He's not asked me since, but sometimes our talks can be about why I didn't do this or that. He's not asked me for sex. I think that would be a total mind**** if he did.
> Do you not consider that cake eating tron? Are you being a typical bloke here and just thinking about your d***?


It is cake eating when he is having sex with you and other women too. I don't have a dog in this fight and don't care if your H gets laid or not. If you need help understanding your man, I can help you with that.

Lost, I haven't read many of your posts, so I don't really know your story. I understand your H cheated on you once and has moved out twice. He rugswept and would not discuss the affair with you. You resent him for the affair and for not discussing it with you. Was the cheating recent? Is he out dating other women right now? Are you in IC?



lostwithouthim said:


> It would make me even more depressed if we had sex, he left to go back to his place and then didn't speak to me for a few days.


Then don't have sex with him. But, just because he isn't living in your home that doesn't mean you should be holding out. Don't have sex if it makes you feel bad and don't have sex if he is out screwing other women. Fair enough?



lostwithouthim said:


> I sent him a text earlier today and he didn't respond to it straight away like he normally does. I was feeling down about what my MIL said the other day and the silence from him just brought me into a depression, so I went to bed. I've slept for a few hours, I didn't realise the time and then I've decided to comfort eat tonight instead of having a sandwich as I've already had a big lunch.
> I know we've got a long way to go, but how can I change when I get in these depressed moods? I had all these jobs lined up today, so that he'll be impressed when he came round to pick my son up tomorrow. None of them have been done and the house is a mess  Even though he's suffered from depression himself, he can't seem to understand my depression. I often go to bed when I'm depressed and I am totally unmotivated. He thinks it's just an excuse for not doing any housework.
> I did finally get a text about 10 mins ago, but it was just a quick response. Still feeling like s**t. I do wonder if he's been talking to his mum, I know he's seen his mates today so they've probably stirred it up!
> I know I'm probably being silly here, but when he's here I'm happy  I know I should leave it to God, but I still try and solve it on my own. God didn't stop me from sending that text like he will do sometimes. I should feel closer to God at the moment, I received the gift of the holy spirit this morning at church but since I've left I've been feeling low.
> I suppose as well my son has been stressing me out today. I know he can't help it, but he wanted to know what time we'd be back from the shops. My friend also brought some wine in at lunchtime, so maybe that put me in a low mood. It was our patronal festival today as our church is the church of the holy spirit ans so we had a lunch at church  We had a great time, great company and fab food  It's just the rest of the day that's been rubbish, lol.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Has he woken up in a bad mood then catch? See how the land lies with him, he might want you to stay  If he's in a good mood and he's happy then I would stay  If you've had some drink today, then he may be a bit fed up. I know you're not supposed to drink on anti depressants or drink if you're depressed. Go with your heart and God


I haven't started any anti depressants yet. I drink occasionally with him though. He actually just left to go get some. Its raining cats and dogs here ,.so he suggested monopoly and a lil "drink"... hey im game, why not. Though Monopoly is the longest game ever ..im gonna play :absolut: should leave me like this :corkysm60: ...uber fun..lol we'll. See


----------



## Tron

Catch,

What your mama did to you as a child, the rejection, the abandonment is very harsh and cruel treatment. This is very damaging stuff and will have serious long term affects on your interpersonal relationships, especially with your H and even possibly with your children. 

Don't ever do that to your kids. Your fears of rejection and abandonment are acute even now. You will need to deal with these in IC pretty early on.

When you go to IC I think these are the topics to bring up in your 1st session: 
1. depression 
2. abandonment/rejection from mom
3. death of mom
4. resentment towards H

You might even print out the past several pages of this thread and take them with you when you go.

I am off to NEMO's post and will take a look.


----------



## Tron

Catch,

Take a look at this and see if each one of you can take this quiz. Maybe take a break from monopoly for a bit.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf


----------



## catch22gofigure

Me


Tron said:


> Catch, this is great! He isn't afraid to tell you he needs space and is aware of when he needs it. Don't let that rub you any way but good. He doesn't want you to leave and wants quality time with you.
> 
> Just to confirm, he is not cheating on you right? When your spouse is cheating on you and/or leaving you for someone else, that is when you cut them off...no sex. When they leave cause you aren't getting along...sex is just another tool to connect with them and bring them home. OK?


Ohhh ok . Well i don't think he's cheating. When we were NC i know he did go on a date. When confronted he jumped to the defense saying that's all it was was a date. I don't believe an ounce of that..buttt if there is someone. They are doing a darn good job of a coverup. He's always near me or on the phone with me. I'm at his apartment even when he's not . When he's at work I often have the key to the apt. Calls me on breaks and lunch at work. I often drop off and pick him up from work. He answers all incoming calls when im around. Now we both keep our phones locked. Always have. This is my one piece of privacy. So im ok with that. He is not a heavy phone user. Pandora and you tube are often audible. Just works and home unless they communicate via text. Then i doubt a OW. 
So if im not to talk to him about us ...when does that come to play ? I knowwww i gotta fix me. But uhhh that is not gonna happen overnight im sure.


----------



## Tron

Nemo, 

I think you need to seriously consider opening a thread on your own on the "Going through Separation or Divorce Forum". Go into a little more depth about your story prior to, during and after the affair. Pull stuff from your other long thread in the General Relationship forum.

You are going to get quite a bit more traction and discussion on that board than this one. 

"Nemo's Journal" is kind of a catchy name. It will get attention. Oh yeah, and use paragraphs. It makes things so much easier to read.

My initial read is that you need to disassociate from your FIL. He isn't trustworthy and is no friend of the marriage, at least not right now.

As for an easy solution. I don't have one. 

2 big things going on are the PA with your H's co-worker AND the domestic violence issues with the state. The DV issues are not going to go away quickly and will seem to go at a snail's pace. That is just reality. I don't think that you can speed up that process without spending a lot of money and getting lawyers involved.

The PA with the co-worker may have already worked itself out, but if they are still working together, it would be best for the marriage for your H to change jobs and go no contact with her now and forever.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tt


Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> What your mama did to you as a child, the rejection, the abandonment is very harsh and cruel treatment. This is very damaging stuff and will have serious long term affects on your interpersonal relationships, especially with your H and even possibly with your children.
> 
> Don't ever do that to your kids. Your fears of rejection and abandonment are acute even now. You will need to deal with these in IC pretty early on.
> I
> When you go to IC I think these are the topics to bring up in your 1st session:
> 1. depression
> 2. abandonment/rejection from mom
> 3. death of mom
> 4. resentment towards H
> 
> You might even print out the past several pages of this thread and take them with you when you go.
> 
> I am off to NEMO's post and will take a look.


Yes , I know. and you only know a portion of it. My one thing that I know I haven't done is displayed none of this to my children. They remember her , but she had very little to do with their upbringing. Not the typical grandmother. We have a very loving relationship me and my babies.
I have made a screenshot to show my therapist when I go this week. You will never know how much I appreciate your acknowledgment of those issues. I've denied them for all too long now. Big Thanks Tron.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> Take a look at this and see if each one of you can take this quiz. Maybe take a break from monopoly for a bit.
> 
> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf


I wiggled my way out of monopoly. ..lol its gonna be a movie night tonight. Going to take a look at it. He's. Showering now.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ohhh ok . Well i don't think he's cheating. When we were NC i know he did go on a date. When confronted he jumped to the defense saying that's all it was was a date. I don't believe an ounce of that..buttt if there is someone. They are doing a darn good job of a coverup. He's always near me or on the phone with me. I'm at his apartment even when he's not . When he's at work I often have the key to the apt. Calls me on breaks and lunch at work. I often drop off and pick him up from work. He answers all incoming calls when im around. Now we both keep our phones locked. Always have. This is my one piece of privacy. So im ok with that. He is not a heavy phone user. Pandora and you tube are often audible. Just works and home unless they communicate via text. Then i doubt a OW.


OK. Keep monitoring just to make sure. Does he have a smart phone? With email? With texting apps? If so, there are ways to find out if he is doing anything unsavory. I don't get the vibe that he is cheating on you either, but better safe than sorry.



catch22gofigure said:


> So if im not to talk to him about us ...when does that come to play ? I knowwww i gotta fix me. But uhhh that is not gonna happen overnight im sure.


I'm sorry to give you some not so pleasant news, but you need to fix you first. If you discuss "us" with him, do it in small doses. 

You realize that workingatit was going to a counselor every week, doing online counseling through skype and participating heavily on this forum all at the same time during January and February. She had mommy issues too. 

I think you may have some unrealistic expectations of your H and I am not sure I understand why you have to be in "your" house to have a happy marriage. I realize you feel most comfortable there and that is where all your stuff is...but it is just stuff. If it doesn't disrupt the kids too much, where they sleep is not a big deal. Summer vacation is coming up too. If it saves you money in the short term to stay at the apartment then maybe that is what you need to do. When is the lease up?

What would you do if your H picked up a great 1 year assignment in Alaska paying big bucks? Would you sit down near Atlanta all by yourself or move up to Alaska with him for a year? If it was me, I would insist that my wife and my kids come with me.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron Im gonna finish that assessment asap. Hes buzzing around me and I want to take my time and do it.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> OK. Keep monitoring just to make sure. Does he have a smart phone? With email? With texting apps? If so, there are ways to find out if he is doing anything unsavory. I don't get the vibe that he is cheating on you either, but better safe than sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sorry to give you some not so pleasant news, but you need to fix you first. If you discuss "us" with him, do it in small doses.
> 
> You realize that workingatit was going to a counselor every week, doing online counseling through skype and participating heavily on this forum all at the same time during January and February. She had mommy issues too.
> 
> I think you may have some unrealistic expectations of your H and I am not sure I understand why you have to be in "your" house to have a happy marriage. I realize you feel most comfortable there and that is where all your stuff is...but it is just stuff. If it doesn't disrupt the kids too much, where they sleep is not a big deal. Summer vacation is coming up too. If it saves you money in the short term to stay at the apartment then maybe that is what you need to do. When is the lease up?
> 
> What would you do if your H picked up a great 1 year assignment in Alaska paying big bucks? Would you sit down near Atlanta all by yourself or move up to Alaska with him for a year? If it was me, I would insist that my wife and my kids come with me.


The home is not a deal breaker. The apt though is too small. Two bdrm flat...we still have teens at home. They need their space. Schools out here now already. So idk.He is on a month to month lease . He could a-n-y-t-i-m-e he's ready. He just is not ready. And I can respect that.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> The home is not a deal breaker....He is on a month to month lease . He could a-n-y-t-i-m-e he's ready. He just is not ready. And I can respect that.


That's a great attitude! We are just going to have to give him a push without him knowing we're pushing.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Off to beauty uk today so not have had chance to reply to all your posts. Tron here is my story briefly. My husband left me 12 years ago for ow. He came back after 8 months. We should've gone to counselling then, I know that now. This year he left for about a week in march. We had no communication during that week and he came back after a week saying he missed me. He left again after a month saying it was too late for us and moved to his mates. As far as I know he's not got anyone else, I've asked him this on a couple of occasions when he first left and he denied it. He's moved into his own place now, but comes round quite often. If you did a search for my name then you'll find out more about me, I think you'll find some more info there. Don't judge me though, I know what I've done wrong and regretted every day since. Have a good day everyone 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Off to beauty uk today so not have had chance to reply to all your posts. Don't judge me though, I know what I've done wrong and regretted every day since. Have a good day everyone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have a great day. Sounds like a fun outing. I hope no one will judge you. I know I will not. I will however pray and ask for you to be engulfed in the kind of peace and love that we all deserve.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok last evening was ok until.....ifell asleep on the movie. He seemed a bit "attitudish"
So im up gathering my things and going home. He gets up with this same frustrated attitude. I got a good morning out of him. Then he's like you going home ?cause he sees me gathering my things. I reply yes. Now when I talk to him he's short when I ask why its. Oh i didn't hear you. This is that craziness I am talking about. He seems so childish at times. This is why I find it so hard to even fathom the thought that this man even cares to save his marriage (im venting here guys )
I mean anything I say or do sends him up one way or another. Again last night was the head in the lap thing. Heck that's how I ended up falling asleep. With his head in my lap. But no kissing, touching, etc from him. I know he shouldn't have to read my mind but this stuff goes both ways, right. Im trying my best not to react. So im going home and not coming back over here for a lonnnngggg time. I let one comment slip though. But I felt he just needed to know how I was feeling. I told him im going on home because it seems that my presence is seriously frustrating him. He was like I answered you what else do you want me to say ?( i had asked him a question about our sons pick up schedule from a activity this week.). I say yeah and that was that. Ok vent over for now.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Would you please bring me some eggs, too....I am hungry hungry, too. I really should eat before I read the posts from you guys. You always make me hungry. :smthumbup:
> 
> I will back after a bit. I just finished reading all of the posts. Now I am trying to change gears and my focus so that I can better handle seeing my husband in a few hours. I am not kidding, my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest with anticipation. It's sad that I feel this much now and I don't even have a guarantee that I will get a hug and a kiss tonight.
> 
> I guess if nothing else, I shall have to settle for loving him from afar. Sigh....


Hi Nemo  idk why we feels this way with a visit from them. I sometimes feel like I did as a kid when we were leaving for vacation.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Now that im home. He's called three times to "check on me". These are the things that puzzle tube heck out of me. I say I'm fine, but remember now he had so little to say while i was there this morning. I have issues i know. But am i supposed to keep taking this? He starts my rollercoaster. He doesn't want this and if he does he has a odd way of showing it. Why not say, we need to talk ? Why not say what's really on your mind? Ok venting again...smh

I did however before I left apologize. I said , if there is anything I said or did thats causing you to act this way im sorry. That's when he answered with the what vibe are you talking about. I am gonna take my time home today to catch up on some reading. And in that reading I will be reading a lot here as well. Tron had given me some good starting points. So I want to be sure im implementing everything.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi Nemo  idk why we feels this way with a visit from them. I sometimes feel like I did as a kid when we were leaving for vacation.


Too bad I can't have that feeling back today.  Today I feel like crap. It's my daughter's 13th birthday. We won't be sharing it with her dad. He has to work today in order to be able to take time off next Saturday to take her to the amusement park. I am supposed to take her to do something this evening and then send him pictures. I hope I can hold it all together.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Too bad I can't have that feeling back today.  Today I feel like crap. It's my daughter's 13th birthday. We won't be sharing it with her dad. He has to work today in order to be able to take time off next Saturday to take her to the amusement park. I am supposed to take her to do something this evening and then send him pictures. I hope I can hold it all together.


Im sure it is gonna be a rough one. We had our grandsons bday a week ago. He is now working second and wasn't able to make it. He always makes a big deal out of his bdays.hen theres the relative thing. They think im sure he wasn't there because of our separation, but in all actuality he was at work. Talking about awkward feelings. Just think about how precious this day is for you and your daughter everytime you start to think about him. Maybe that'll make the day go by smoother for you both. It's rough I know...but praying for you and. Ill be on here all day just about im sure. When im not with him i try and come here for support.


----------



## Finding Nemo

So here is what happened last night when I went to pick up my daughter. At first it really sucked because I had to hear about things that my husband and daughter are buying for his apartment and all these plans they are making for the future. I was doing so well until I found out about the apartment.  I was able to do productive things because I thought we were going to have a future together. But, now it feels like they have both just moved on without me and I am stuck here in a house full of memories. I told my husband that I would bring him what ever he needed from the house and he said it's okay that he would buy it as he needs it. I told him that it hurts me that everything is still in the house and he seems to have no desire for any of it...although he says that he does. He says that just because he is buying things for the apartment doesn't mean that he isn't coming back home one day. He says he has to feel like he is doings things on his own in order for him to survive. He needs things to look forward to and shopping for things with our daughter has been helping him. While I am trying to be understanding, it's difficult at the same not be filled with fear.

We had an interesting piece of conversation last night which started off with him trying to give me money. I told him to give it to our daughter. He said no..You have to take it. I said No, it's not right for you to try and help all the time when I am nothing more than a passing stranger on the street or a friend at the minimum. He had tried to get a hold of me all evening on Friday to ask me to meet him so he could give me the money, but I wouldn't talk to him about it. He said he knew what was going on in my head. ( told you he knows how the 180 works. lol) Then he laughed and said...Why are you as stubborn as I am? I never said either of those things. I reminded him of what said to me...his quote was "We can't have any plans because there there is no us because I am afraid of you." I said what exactly does "no us" look like because for me that means that you are going to stay your distance and have nothing to do with me other than what little you have to do. He said he didn't mean it in the way that I took it. He asked me to give him some more time to work on things because he doesn't see me as just his friend. He said that just like I love him and our daughter, he loves us both just as much. 

Then he started up a conservation about paying off a school loan that I have been paying on by myself. There isn't much left to it, but he said he is proud of me for what I did by myself. He wants to help me finish paying it off so that it will be easier to get employment. He says he's not trying to get rid of me or in any way trying to say he isn't going to help me any more. He said he wants to see me doing something so that my education doesn't go to waste. I told him it would probably be part time work and he said he didn't care. He wants me to have some money so that I can just go and blow it if I choose to. He said he would be here no matter how I chose to spend the money. And then he laughed and said...and you don't get to spend it on the house either. Then he said that if this doesn't work out and I need to work at night, he would get our daughter and he would work something out. This is really freaking me out because he was never there in the past and that is why I haven't been able to obtain work in a really long time. I said something to him about this and he got teary eyed and said he was sorry and for me to give him a chance because he is here now. I can't help but to wonder if this is his way of dealing with what the state said about him making enough money that they shouldn't have to help support us. 

So, as you are probably guessing he was around for more than the 10 minutes like he usually is. He told me that he needed to get going so that he could go to work and then said to come here and give him a hug. I started to cry and then he hugged me and wouldn't let go of me. The reason I started to cry was that he hasn't been this open in a really long time. And I am not sure how much of it I can trust to be the truth. I didn't tell him that though. I thanked him for our daughter just like I have done every year and he started to cry again. He said I didn't need to thank him he is just glad that we made it through that rough time. ( My daughter and I almost lost our lives during the delivery which scared him so bad. ) He said now let's get through all of this. When he let go of me, I wasn't going to give him a kiss because I was starting to get really confused, but he said I wasn't getting off that easily and he came to me and gave me a kiss good bye. 

That was yesterday, we shall have to wait and see where this roller coaster ride goes next. :scratchhead:


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Then there's the relative thing.


There won't be any relatives around today. Later tonight my daughter will call her grandpa's girlfriend and they will chat. Not sure if she will hear from her grandpa as he doesn't live with the girlfriend. 

I know this is kind of being selfish, but I am kind of hoping Saturday is just an outing for our 3 member family with no one else involved. I think things will be stressed enough without having a bunch of other people around. I don't know if I am riding in the same car with my husband or not so that is something that I am going to have to check on. It's a 1 1/2 hour drive there and back so it would seem silly to take two cars. But, what do I know, huh? :scratchhead: Again, I kind of hope we will take one car because it will force my husband and I to be in close quarters and we will have to spend time together talking, etc. And yes, if we take the same car, I am going to hold his hand and behave just like as if nothing was ever wrong.  Not to play head games with him, but he needs this kind of close interaction in order to help release some of the fear he has toward me. His brain needs to be fed reality rather than fear. I hope that makes sense.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Have a great day. Sounds like a fun outing. I hope no one will judge you. I know I will not. I will however pray and ask for you to be engulfed in the kind of peace and love that we all deserve.


Thanks Nemo for your prayers  The beauty show was great, bought lots of things thanks to the bank of Mum


----------



## catch22gofigure

Yeah i know the feeling about the apt thing. We went through that too. Im.thinking about writing my husband a email. I just want to put a stop to all the limbo i guess. He's not gonna reply...will more than likely call. But idk on the fence about it for now.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi Nemo  idk why we feels this way with a visit from them. I sometimes feel like I did as a kid when we were leaving for vacation.


I agree  The first time I saw my H after he had left, my heart leapt for joy  I love it when he comes round and spends some quality time with us  He's been a bit distant the last couple of days, I know he's been working and I hope that's just it


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Too bad I can't have that feeling back today.  Today I feel like crap. It's my daughter's 13th birthday. We won't be sharing it with her dad. He has to work today in order to be able to take time off next Saturday to take her to the amusement park. I am supposed to take her to do something this evening and then send him pictures. I hope I can hold it all together.


You can do it Nemo  Enjoy yourselves  Where are you thinking of taking her? My son has already decided that we're going out for a meal on my birthday, with or without H, lol


----------



## Tron

Nemo, That is an awesome update. Wow! Go girl!


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree  The first time I saw my H after he had left, my heart leapt for joy  I love it when he comes round and spends some quality time with us  He's been a bit distant the last couple of days, I know he's been working and I hope that's just it


Yeah its a heckuva feeling alright. Im just taking it one day at a time for me. In all actuality I feel there is so much water under the bridge for us. That without his help in this R won't happen. I am gonna continue to do the things im learning in an effort to better me. Not so much to get a R at this point. Why I felt I could have one after him letting me know he's done is beyond my thinking. But I cant keep crying over spilled milk. He is so from one extreme to the next that I can't see movig forward any other way.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Im thinking about writing my husband a email. I just want to put a stop to all the limbo i guess. He's not gonna reply...will more than likely call. But idk on the fence about it for now.


What are you gonna write in your email?

Please post it here before you send it. I would like to have a look before you do.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Now that im home. He's called three times to "check on me". These are the things that puzzle tube heck out of me. I say I'm fine, but remember now he had so little to say while i was there this morning. I have issues i know. But am i supposed to keep taking this? He starts my rollercoaster. He doesn't want this and if he does he has a odd way of showing it. Why not say, we need to talk ? Why not say what's really on your mind? Ok venting again...smh
> 
> I did however before I left apologize. I said , if there is anything I said or did thats causing you to act this way im sorry. That's when he answered with the what vibe are you talking about. I am gonna take my time home today to catch up on some reading. And in that reading I will be reading a lot here as well. Tron had given me some good starting points. So I want to be sure im implementing everything.


Go ahead and vent here. Don't vent with him if you can avoid it.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> So here is what happened last night when I went to pick up my daughter. At first it really sucked because I had to hear about things that my husband and daughter are buying for his apartment and all these plans they are making for the future. I was doing so well until I found out about the apartment.  I was able to do productive things because I thought we were going to have a future together. But, now it feels like they have both just moved on without me and I am stuck here in a house full of memories. I told my husband that I would bring him what ever he needed from the house and he said it's okay that he would buy it as he needs it. I told him that it hurts me that everything is still in the house and he seems to have no desire for any of it...although he says that he does. He says that just because he is buying things for the apartment doesn't mean that he isn't coming back home one day. He says he has to feel like he is doings things on his own in order for him to survive. He needs things to look forward to and shopping for things with our daughter has been helping him. While I am trying to be understanding, it's difficult at the same not be filled with fear.
> 
> We had an interesting piece of conversation last night which started off with him trying to give me money. I told him to give it to our daughter. He said no..You have to take it. I said No, it's not right for you to try and help all the time when I am nothing more than a passing stranger on the street or a friend at the minimum. He had tried to get a hold of me all evening on Friday to ask me to meet him so he could give me the money, but I wouldn't talk to him about it. He said he knew what was going on in my head. ( told you he knows how the 180 works. lol) Then he laughed and said...Why are you as stubborn as I am? I never said either of those things. I reminded him of what said to me...his quote was "We can't have any plans because there there is no us because I am afraid of you." I said what exactly does "no us" look like because for me that means that you are going to stay your distance and have nothing to do with me other than what little you have to do. He said he didn't mean it in the way that I took it. He asked me to give him some more time to work on things because he doesn't see me as just his friend. He said that just like I love him and our daughter, he loves us both just as much.
> 
> Then he started up a conservation about paying off a school loan that I have been paying on by myself. There isn't much left to it, but he said he is proud of me for what I did by myself. He wants to help me finish paying it off so that it will be easier to get employment. He says he's not trying to get rid of me or in any way trying to say he isn't going to help me any more. He said he wants to see me doing something so that my education doesn't go to waste. I told him it would probably be part time work and he said he didn't care. He wants me to have some money so that I can just go and blow it if I choose to. He said he would be here no matter how I chose to spend the money. And then he laughed and said...and you don't get to spend it on the house either. Then he said that if this doesn't work out and I need to work at night, he would get our daughter and he would work something out. This is really freaking me out because he was never there in the past and that is why I haven't been able to obtain work in a really long time. I said something to him about this and he got teary eyed and said he was sorry and for me to give him a chance because he is here now. I can't help but to wonder if this is his way of dealing with what the state said about him making enough money that they shouldn't have to help support us.
> 
> So, as you are probably guessing he was around for more than the 10 minutes like he usually is. He told me that he needed to get going so that he could go to work and then said to come here and give him a hug. I started to cry and then he hugged me and wouldn't let go of me. The reason I started to cry was that he hasn't been this open in a really long time. And I am not sure how much of it I can trust to be the truth. I didn't tell him that though. I thanked him for our daughter just like I have done every year and he started to cry again. He said I didn't need to thank him he is just glad that we made it through that rough time. ( My daughter and I almost lost our lives during the delivery which scared him so bad. ) He said now let's get through all of this. When he let go of me, I wasn't going to give him a kiss because I was starting to get really confused, but he said I wasn't getting off that easily and he came to me and gave me a kiss good bye.
> 
> That was yesterday, we shall have to wait and see where this roller coaster ride goes next. :scratchhead:


I know how much it hurts when they get their own place. It does feel like they're never coming home. My husband has taken most of his stuff out of here and so I don't have things lying around that might remind me of him.
If I was you, I'd box up his stuff and either stick it in the garage or the loft or somewhere where you have storage space. If he asks why you've done that then tell him that you don't want to be reminded that he's left as it's too emotional for you at this time.
He sounds really mixed up and is confusing you in the process. One minute he's saying he's coming back one day and the next minute he's saying he won't be back at all. Then he gives you a hug and a kiss. My heart goes out to you, it must be heart rending for you!
Best thing to do is give the situation to God. I recommend reading Ed Wheat's love life for every married couple or hope for the separated by garry chapman. 
Your situation is unique, so it's hard to give you some firm advice. Just take baby steps and trust in the Lord. Have patience  (there's that swear word again, lol)


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yeah i know the feeling about the apt thing. We went through that too. Im.thinking about writing my husband a email. I just want to put a stop to all the limbo i guess. He's not gonna reply...will more than likely call. But idk on the fence about it for now.


Good idea Catch


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What are you gonna write in your email?
> 
> Please post it here before you send it. I would like to have a look before you do.


Ok I will I've started on it . He called while I was writing it so it saved as a draft. When im done later ill post it here before sending.

Well maybe I should ask what to write before I get finished.
Honestly what I feel the need to do is write a exit email. Agreeing with him on his feelings about the marriage. I don't it over Lord knows I don't. But if he is doing all this as a friend with benefits. Im gonna be more screwed in the head then than I am now , right ?


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I am gonna take my time home today to catch up on some reading.


Have you ever watched a video by Larry Billoti? It would have been something called Environment Changer or something along those lines. The url is: 

Watch this Presentation to Discover How to Attract Your Husband Like NO OTHER Woman Can | Top 20 Questions

I don't remember how I came across this, it could have been something Tron posted yesterday, but I am not sure. I am so glad that I did. Without ever meeting my husband they picked my husband apart to the very last little thing possible. I thought of you too as I watched it. It takes about an hour to fully watch so make sure you are prepared for that. 

Sadly, it is chalked full of very good information and they end it by asking for an arm and a leg if you want to know more.  Still, it was usual information so I won't complain...too much anyway.


----------



## lostwithouthim

ok here's my update. I've just tried to phone him and his phone went to voicemail. He's not phoned back so he's either ignoring me or he's working. I'm not feeling as depressed as I was yesterday, if he doesn't phone then I'm not bothered. It wasn't urgent and it can wait! He went to the council offices this morning to see about housing benefit and council tax and getting benefits sorted out for his apartment. Whether that means in his mind he's moved on and feels free at last IDK! I'll carry on working on myself in the mean time and see what happens next


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Have you ever watched a video by Larry Billoti? It would have been something called Environment Changer or something along those lines. The url is:
> 
> Watch this Presentation to Discover How to Attract Your Husband Like NO OTHER Woman Can | Top 20 Questions
> 
> I don't remember how I came across this, it could have been something Tron posted yesterday, but I am not sure. I am so glad that I did. Without ever meeting my husband they picked my husband apart to the very last little thing possible. I thought of you too as I watched it. It takes about an hour to fully watch so make sure you are prepared for that.
> 
> Sadly, it is chalked full of very good information and they end it by asking for an arm and a leg if you want to know more.  Still, it was usual information so I won't complain...too much anyway.


No I haven't watched it. I will later today though and let you know when im done.


----------



## Tron

Ladies,

Catch and I had some correspondence in PM.

What she said was 

"No he was not mad when he told me he was done. He seemed hesitant in saying it though. He says he loves me and that I am his best friend. I was like what the heck ? I may just have to chuck it up as a loss and move on. I just got a call that my IC apt has been changed to the 30th. Unlike workingatit her H said give it 30 days. My H has said nothing of the sorts. I often think he loves me enough to just try and let me go easy knowing all the hardships ive had in life. Idk Tron, all I know is I love him. He has misread me for so long though. None of my oain was ever at him. I try and talk to him about my pains and he looks at me like a deer in headlights. This has been for years now. 

I will let him know that I am getting help soon. Ive done a lot of grieving over this marriage here lately. Im still grieving now. This uncertain and fear of asking him can we work on it when he's told me he's done. Makes me feel foolish. Like im begging or something."

*You don't even know how to help yourself, so how can he? He doesn't know how to help you Catch and he can't fix you. That is your burden, not his. And it isn't fair to resent him for it.*


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Honestly what i feel the need to do is write a exit email. Agreeing with him on his feelings about the marriage. I don't it over lord knows i don't. But if he is doing all this as a friend with benefits. Im gonna be more screwed in the head then than i am now , right ?


*do not write this email!*


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> *do not write this email!*


Ok ok , I wont. I feel I need to say something though. What is what I dont know.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> ok here's my update. I've just tried to phone him and his phone went to voicemail. He's not phoned back so he's either ignoring me or he's working. I'm not feeling as depressed as I was yesterday, if he doesn't phone then I'm not bothered. It wasn't urgent and it can wait! He went to the council offices this morning to see about housing benefit and council tax and getting benefits sorted out for his apartment. Whether that means in his mind he's moved on and feels free at last IDK! I'll carry on working on myself in the mean time and see what happens next


Great job keeping it together Lost. Either way it's only gonna make a better you!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Ladies,
> 
> Catch and I had some correspondence in PM.
> 
> What she said was
> 
> "No he was not mad when he told me he was done. He seemed hesitant in saying it though. He says he loves me and that I am his best friend. I was like what the heck ? I may just have to chuck it up as a loss and move on. I just got a call that my IC apt has been changed to the 30th. Unlike workingatit her H said give it 30 days. My H has said nothing of the sorts. I often think he loves me enough to just try and let me go easy knowing all the hardships ive had in life. Idk Tron, all I know is I love him. He has misread me for so long though. None of my oain was ever at him. I try and talk to him about my pains and he looks at me like a deer in headlights. This has been for years now.
> 
> I will let him know that I am getting help soon. Ive done a lot of grieving over this marriage here lately. Im still grieving now. This uncertain and fear of asking him can we work on it when he's told me he's done. Makes me feel foolish. Like im begging or something."
> 
> *You don't even know how to help yourself, so how can he? He doesn't know how to help you Catch and he can't fix you. That is your burden, not his. And it isn't fair to resent him for it.*


It's kinda sad knowing I'm this screwed up and never knew it. Always running around helping so many others empower themselves and motivate themselves. Just unable to do it for myself. This sucks big time


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Just take baby steps and trust in the Lord. Have patience  (there's that swear word again, lol)



I wish my momma were alive. I would have her wash your computer out with soap for using that naughty word so often. ( patience) :rofl: And she would do it too. 

Oh yes...confusing me beyond what I could express. And a unique situation... absolutely.

To be honest, if you could have heard the prayer that went up last night before I saw my husband you would have thought I was a mixed up nut case. Good thing my lord knows me and understands me.


----------



## lostwithouthim

I got so much info from the spiritual day that I went on, I've not had time to go through it all. When I do I'll post some prayers and art prayers on here  Gotta finish cooking my tea now and clean the house up a bit and then I'll be back on  Keep posting guys, your posts mean so much to me


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> It's kinda sad knowing I'm this screwed up and never knew it. Always running around helping so many others empower themselves and motivate themselves. Just unable to do it for myself. This sucks big time


Admitting you have the problem is a BIG step. The first step on the road to recovery.

What is the deal with the counselor? Any way to get an appointment with someone else?

I know you are having financial issues but a couple of sessions in a short time will help IMO.

When W and I were having our issues I asked a friend (psychologist) for 3 references. I called 2 of them and got things set up with the 1 therapist that I was most comfortable with. My W connected with him immediately. We had maybe 8 sessions in the first month and were well on our way to R. 

I made a good decision that day.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I recommend reading Ed Wheat's love life for every married couple or hope for the separated by garry chapman.


I just saw that they are available on Nook. I have mine charging up and then I will get them and read them. Gary Chapman write some really good books.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Admitting you have the problem is a BIG step. The first step on the road to recovery.
> 
> What is the deal with the counselor? Any way to get an appointment with someone else?
> 
> I know you are having financial issues but a couple of sessions in a short time will help IMO.
> 
> When W and I were having our issues I asked a friend (psychologist) for 3 references. I called 2 of them and got things set up with the 1 therapist that I was most comfortable with. My W connected with him immediately. We had maybe 8 sessions in the first month and were well on our way to R.
> 
> I made a good decision that day.


I have tried for years to just think it was whatever the current situation was that was causing me to act certain ways. Ive known for a long time though that something just wasnt right. Idk. I do have a friend who has her masters in psychology. I just didn't want her in my business like that. The IC i had set up had to be rescheduled for what reason idm. Its free though through this agency I just contacted. I think ill put on my big girl panties and contact my friend this evening.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I have tried for years to just think it was whatever the current situation was that was causing me to act certain ways. Ive known for a long time though that something just wasnt right. Idk. I do have a friend who has her masters in psychology. I just didn't want her in my business like that. The IC i had set up had to be rescheduled for what reason idm. Its free though through this agency I just contacted. I think ill put on my big girl panties and contact my friend this evening.


Good girl. I don't know how anyone else feels, but I think you should hold this to yourself for a little while before telling anyone about it. That way you can safely explore everything that you need to.


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## catch22gofigure

Wow ..small changes. Today in his 6 calls since ive left. He keeps calling me baby. That has.been a big issue for me. The pet names. They mean attachment to me. Something im uncertain about right now with us. So weeks ago I asked him to call me by my name that the pet names must stop. Yet he continues to do it. It just happened 5 min ago. He said alright baby as we ended the call. It usually makes me cringe. But in me forcing my mind to receive information differently little by little and to try and stop analyzing and hanging onto his every move or action looking for answers. I didn't let it move me . I simply thought. You have no control over this mans mouth. I thought, him calling you baby does not mean that he's trying to connect neither does it mean he is blatantly denying your request for him to stop. It simply means that is how at that moment he xhose to call me by that name. It may not mean much to some. But for me to be able to stop that mess that sometimes gets me going and reacting for no reason at all. Was a small miracle..


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Good girl. I don't know how anyone else feels, but I think you should hold this to yourself for a little while before telling anyone about it. That way you can safely explore everything that you need to.


She knows about my depression and such. I just have never chose to allow her to do my therapy. She lives in another city now, so has no idea about my current depression relapse.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Admitting you have the problem is a BIG step. The first step on the road to recovery.
> 
> What is the deal with the counselor? Any way to get an appointment with someone else?
> 
> I know you are having financial issues but a couple of sessions in a short time will help IMO.
> 
> When W and I were having our issues I asked a friend (psychologist) for 3 references. I called 2 of them and got things set up with the 1 therapist that I was most comfortable with. My W connected with him immediately. We had maybe 8 sessions in the first month and were well on our way to R.
> 
> I made a good decision that day.


You ought to try living where I live here in the UK! We're short of any sort of therapy mc or ic, even the ones you pay for you have to wait for! I did manage to get a Christian ic, but she only managed to give me 3 sessions and now she's away on holiday. I'm seeing a life coach, but that's not the same as a counsellor. I think the free counselling service through the doctor has forgotten me. She said it was going to be 12 weeks and that was in march! I can't chase them up now as I'm seeing another counsellor, but I'm not that impressed with her. She says I can just talk, but she keeps butting in and doesn't let me finish what I want to say. Ho hum, well it is free after all!!!


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Good girl. I don't know how anyone else feels, but I think you should hold this to yourself for a little while before telling anyone about it. That way you can safely explore everything that you need to.


I agree Nemo, although don't let that stop you posting on here though


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree Nemo, although don't let that stop you posting on here though


Absolutely. Keep posting here. You are safe here with us.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Absolutely. Keep posting here. You are safe here with us.


I second that Nemo !!:smthumbup:


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## catch22gofigure

So I went and priced the book His Needs, Her Needs at B & N . It's only $20 so i guess that's next on my reading list. Wondering though if maybe there is a good read just for me working on me that someone could suggest?

Just found the book on kindle for half the price ! Winning! !!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> So I went and priced the book His Needs, Her Needs at B & N . It's only $20 so i guess that's next on my reading list. Wondering though if maybe there is a good read just for me working on me that someone could suggest?
> 
> Just found the book on kindle for half the price ! Winning! !!


Have you got hope for the separated yet? That focuses a lot on making yourself better  I know I keep plugging this book whenever I can, but I promise I'm not on commission, lol.


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## catch22gofigure

No imma look into that one too then. Just downloaded His Needs Her Needs...and about to dig in ! Why am I so excited about a new book ? ...lol


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> No imma look into that one too then. Just downloaded His Needs Her Needs...and about to dig in ! Why am I so excited about a new book ? ...lol


I get like that about a new book, lol. I was waiting for this one for about a week! It was delivered to my friend's house in case my H found it when I was out and I kept ringing my friend to ask if it had arrived, lol.
I can't get motivated about getting the vacuum cleaner out. I know it sounds silly but I'd rather do it during the day so I don't scare the cats because they hate it! Trouble is I'm at college during the day, lol. I know! Excuses again! lol. I need to work on another aspect of me, but that seems to be the only thing that I can think of at the mo which will make a big impact when H comes round.
Talking of H, he did finally ring! He'd left his phone in the car! He was driving when he rang and stopped at McDonalds to get something to eat. He's supposed to be losing weight, but not with the amount he ordered, lol. That's one in the eye for his mum who said how happy he is and how he's losing all this weight! haha! He didn't stay on for long though, I think he's distancing himself from me at the mo  Oh well, I've got to be positive and work on myself


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I get like that about a new book, lol. I was waiting for this one for about a week! It was delivered to my friend's house in case my H found it when I was out and I kept ringing my friend to ask if it had arrived, lol.
> I can't get motivated about getting the vacuum cleaner out. I know it sounds silly but I'd rather do it during the day so I don't scare the cats because they hate it! Trouble is I'm at college during the day, lol. I know! Excuses again! lol. I need to work on another aspect of me, but that seems to be the only thing that I can think of at the mo which will make a big impact when H comes round.
> Talking of H, he did finally ring! He'd left his phone in the car! He was driving when he rang and stopped at McDonalds to get something to eat. He's supposed to be losing weight, but not with the amount he ordered, lol. That's one in the eye for his mum who said how happy he is and how he's losing all this weight! haha! He didn't stay on for long though, I think he's distancing himself from me at the mo  Oh well, I've got to be positive and work on myself


Don't look at the distance as a bad thing Lost. I mean i know its uncomfortable, but at least he is making more appearances now. Being separated from someone who is distant at times with you right there with them physically can be draining. Im thinking that I may be even welcoming more distance between me and my H. I need it at times and he does too I think. I can't work on me with him always around. He can't have time to think about this thing if im there clouding those thoughts. Just my take on it right now. Like now. Im sure he'll call on his break soon. So I have time to practice what will hopefully become a habit for me soon. That's looking forward to contact from my H , responding positively even if he's in a foul mood, yadda yadda. Its hard right now for me not to react right off. If he is in my face I.cant just say. Hey hold on while I try out remaining positive with you....lol Someone told me today that his ups and downs im seeing could be outward signs of an inward battle. He could have told himself time and time again that he's done with me. But inside he knows he still loves and desires to be with me therefore he gets mad at himself for still loving and wanting me. And frustrated with me because despite all my flaws im a good person who has always had his best interest at heart , and he knows im still the source he seeks for comfort and love. Idk how true she was in saying this. But if so that could hold true for why your H gets so close...then runs away for a distance retreat.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Don't look at the distance as a bad thing Lost. I mean i know its uncomfortable, but at least he is making more appearances now. Being separated from someone who is distant at times with you right there with them physically can be draining. Im thinking that I may be even welcoming more distance between me and my H. I need it at times and he does too I think. I can't work on me with him always around. He can't have time to think about this thing if im there clouding those thoughts. Just my take on it right now. Like now. Im sure he'll call on his break soon. So I have time to practice what will hopefully become a habit for me soon. That's looking forward to contact from my H , responding positively even if he's in a foul mood, yadda yadda. Its hard right now for me not to react right off. If he is in my face I.cant just say. Hey hold on while I try out remaining positive with you....lol Someone told me today that his ups and downs im seeing could be outward signs of an inward battle. He could have told himself time and time again that he's done with me. But inside he knows he still loves and desires to be with me therefore he gets mad at himself for still loving and wanting me. And frustrated with me because despite all my flaws im a good person who has always had his best interest at heart , and he knows im still the source he seeks for comfort and love. Idk how true she was in saying this. But if so that could hold true for why your H gets so close...then runs away for a distance retreat.


Yes you may be right  When H first left 12 years ago, he started phoning me every day as you know. Sometimes it would get on my nerves and when he said he thought he was going through a male menopause and that he knew he's done wrong. I knew when the phone call was coming for him to say I want to come back! At first I ignored the phone, but it kept ringing until I answered it. As you know at the time I didn't want him back as I had moved on. This time I want to want him back, not just take him back for the sake of being a family again and convenience! I want to work at our marriage this time, if there is to be another chance for me and show him how much I've changed. I hope that as I go through this book that I will get more info about going through personal changes. 
I'm off to bed now, got our final theory exams tomorrow! eeek!
Night night, speak to you tomorrow, hope the rest of the day goes well for you


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Yes you may be right  When H first left 12 years ago, he started phoning me every day as you know. Sometimes it would get on my nerves and when he said he thought he was going through a male menopause and that he knew he's done wrong. I knew when the phone call was coming for him to say I want to come back! At first I ignored the phone, but it kept ringing until I answered it. As you know at the time I didn't want him back as I had moved on. This time I want to want him back, not just take him back for the sake of being a family again and convenience! I want to work at our marriage this time, if there is to be another chance for me and show him how much I've changed. I hope that as I go through this book that I will get more info about going through personal changes.
> I'm off to bed now, got our final theory exams tomorrow! eeek!
> Night night, speak to you tomorrow, hope the rest of the day goes well for you



Eww! But kind of good in a way. You won't have to think about anything else for at a little while. Good luck!! :smthumbup:


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Eww! But kind of good in a way. You won't have to think about anything else for at a little while. Good luck!! :smthumbup:


Lol


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> No imma look into that one too then. Just downloaded His Needs Her Needs...and about to dig in ! Why am I so excited about a new book ? ...lol


I go to the library and borrow their books. Other wise I would be up to my eyes in debt trying to get a hold of the books. Right now I have How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love. Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley, Tough Marriage by Paul A Mickey, and Surrender to Marriage by Iris Kransnow and Forever and a Day by Robert Rocke. I have another one called Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman. The last one is kind of a meditative book. 

I always get excited about a new book because it means I am going to soak in the tub and then fall asleep shortly there after. Sad huh? I don't sleep well so the books lul me to sleep.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Today in his 6 calls since ive left.



Wow! That is a lot of phone calls. Its no wonder you are having a hard time finding things to talk about. I bet some of your irritation that you are experiencing is due to the amount of calls coming in. Doesn't seem like you get much of a chance to stop and rewind for a moment before you are being asked to hold another conversation. Maybe it's not so much the pet name, but a request to always be engaged without being able to catch a breath. It makes me think of a little kid who is always tugging and your sleeve saying, "Mom! Mom! Mom!" In a sense you don't mind being called mom, but when you are constantly engaged it gets a little old and irritating. 

I could just hear the phone going "Click" right now as you say...Hold on a second while I go get my book so I can read it and remember how I am supposed to deal with this phone call. :rofl:


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Someone told me today that his ups and downs im seeing could be outward signs of an inward battle. He could have told himself time and time again that he's done with me. But inside he knows he still loves and desires to be with me therefore he gets mad at himself for still loving and wanting me. And frustrated with me because despite all my flaws im a good person who has always had his best interest at heart , and he knows im still the source he seeks for comfort and love.



In some ways I think this describes all of us. While I have never flat our said Get Out or I don't love you or We are getting a Divoce, I still struggle because there are times when I do want to say those things, to give up and just run away. 

You made me think of something.....when my husband left the last time to go be with OW he did tell me that we were done. Then when he started coming around more and more and I could see the guilt and turmoil in his face. He is extremely sensitive and doesn't hide his emotions very well. This time I haven't heard that. I have only heard him reinforce that he loves me and I don't see that same kind of guilt and confusion in his face. I see more fear and insecurity than I do anything else. 

Hmm...food for thought. ( In case you didn't catch that play on words...I am hungry again. LOL Its nearly time for dinner. Nummy!)


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I go to the library and borrow their books. Other wise I would be up to my eyes in debt trying to get a hold of the books. Right now I have How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love. Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley, Tough Marriage by Paul A Mickey, and Surrender to Marriage by Iris Kransnow and Forever and a Day by Robert Rocke. I have another one called Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman. The last one is kind of a meditative book.
> 
> I always get excited about a new book because it means I am going to soak in the tub and then fall asleep shortly there after. Sad huh? I don't sleep well so the books lul me to sleep.


The library here is huge true enough. But the selection is a croc of bull. I'd waste morr gas getting there to find they don't have what im looking for than just going ahead and buying the book in most cases.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> The library here is huge true enough. But the selection is a croc of bull. I'd waste morr gas getting there to find they don't have what im looking for than just going ahead and buying the book in most cases.


I am lucky in the sense that I live near a college so the libraries near me are always full of stuff. The only thing I would complain about is that they open late in the day and close at 6. You really have to plan your trip and I don't like to rush when I am looking for something.


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## Finding Nemo

Wish my luck. I am off to meet my husband for dinner. We are trying to cheer our daughter up. She had a really bad day with her friends at school. A bunch of her friends went on a trip to a museum and on the way back they rode in a limo and stopped of to have dinner at some fancy smancy place. We didn't know about the limo and dinner. If we had known I would have sent her with her friends rather than with her dad. Now they are kind of excluding her in their conversations. It's only 4 days until she gets out of school so hopefully she can hang in there until then. On top of her not so nice friends she learned that a fellow student had passed away over the weekend. Thankfully when I contacted my husband he didn't hesitate to respond. Hopefully dinner will go well. We are going to discuss the trip that is coming up the next weekend. I am riding in the same care with them and I staying with them from 10am til when ever my husband decides to drop me off at my car. Oh please let this be the thing that opens my husbands heart and mind....


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## Tron

Nemo,

Just making sure, is the court forcing this separation or is this a voluntary separation by your H?


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## Finding Nemo

Did I forget to mention earlier that I really do not like my FIL right now? I understand he's getting older and he sick with diabetes and other stuff, but he is more toxic via his mouth more than any another those things combined. He had called the house to talk our daughter, but I didn't make up the stairs and locate the phone fast enough. So, then he calls my cell phone and I have to then run all the way back downstairs to locate my cell phone. By the time I got to it my FIL was leaving a message for our daughter. I called him back and let our daughter talk to him. But, that was not good enough. He called my husband and told my husband that I was ignoring the phone and not allowing him to speak to our daughter. So, my husband calls the house phone and I run all the way up the stairs to get the phone. It's my husbands office number. Then my cell phone is ringing with a call from my husbands cell phone so I don't know which direction I am supposed to run in. I yell at my daughter to grab one of the phone while I grab the other. We answer at the same time. So, my husband says...Why are you ignoring everyone when they are trying to call to wish a Happy Birthday to our daughter. I explained what happened with the phones and he started to laugh. I didn't think it was very funny but he thought the image of me running in every which direction was funny. Silly boy!! So anyway he had just called to find out if I was ignoring everyone including him. Now how silly does this sound? Why would I hurt my own daughter like that especially since she had such a bad day at school and I was the one who initially contacted him let him know what was going on. I tell you...some days I would like to ignore every call and show they all what that really feels like. Okay...rant over. Now off to dinner my two favorite people.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Wish my luck. I am off to meet my husband for dinner. We are trying to cheer our daughter up. She had a really bad day with her friends at school. A bunch of her friends went on a trip to a museum and on the way back they rode in a limo and stopped of to have dinner at some fancy smancy place. We didn't know about the limo and dinner. If we had known I would have sent her with her friends rather than with her dad. Now they are kind of excluding her in their conversations. It's only 4 days until she gets out of school so hopefully she can hang in there until then. On top of her not so nice friends she learned that a fellow student had passed away over the weekend. Thankfully when I contacted my husband he didn't hesitate to respond. Hopefully dinner will go well. We are going to discuss the trip that is coming up the next weekend. I am riding in the same care with them and I staying with them from 10am til when ever my husband decides to drop me off at my car. Oh please let this be the thing that opens my husbands heart and mind....


Aww kids can be so mean at times. Especially little girls. Good thing she comes and talks to you about it . Some kids don't talk to their parents about such things. I just had a talk with my middle one. She is kinda down as she has lost two friends in less than two years. She just went to the funeral for one Sat. I love that my kids open up and talk to me. I'd rather be their shoulder to lean on than them left to deal with those feelings all alone. You guys have a great time out tonight, good luck: )


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## catch22gofigure

Well H is on his period again tonight I guess. He got seriously ticked that as he called on his lunch a neighbor from down the street was at the door. He heard a male voice asked who it was, I told him and he was like, well I'll let you go then. Wth ?!! i did not react though. I said ok and hung up the phone. Finished getting the neighbor the glue he came to borrow and back to my book. I have to keep telling myself. This is my change, one that will be good for ME. Finally After all these years im gonna start caring for ME. It's not being selfish, it's not sinning by not running to another's needs first, its taking control of my life and emotions for ME !
These are the fits he pitched when living at home.


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## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Nemo,
> 
> Just making sure, is the court forcing this separation or is this a voluntary separation by your H?



It started out as court ordered. I could not see or speak to my husband in any way shape or form for three months. That was January to the end of March. He got his apartment when he wasn't able to speak to me and he wasn't sure of what to do. He didn't even know if I was still around or not. When we could see and speak to each other enough time had gone by for people to fill his head full of B.S. so now he has post traumatic syndrome toward me and being near our house. So, now its kind of husbands choice to stay away. He knows he would rather be home, but he is scared. It's not so much the house. It's the idea of us being together and we get into a fight. Then he goes to jail again and his entire life is ruined for sure. They say this is normal behavior for someone as old as my husband is and having never been in trouble before. He's going to be starting prevention classes either this week or next. That will get him in touch with a counselor and some people that will know how to help him. I have my fingers crossed for luck, but only time will tell what's going to happen.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Well H is on his period again tonight I guess. He got seriously ticked that as he called on his lunch a neighbor from down the street was at the door. He heard a male voice asked who it was, I told him and he was like, well I'll let you go then. Wth ?!! i did not react though. I said ok and hung up the phone. Finished getting the neighbor the glue he came to borrow and back to my book. I have to keep telling myself. This is my change, one that will be good for ME. Finally After all these years im gonna start caring for ME. It's not being selfish, it's not sinning by not running to another's needs first, its taking control of my life and emotions for ME !
> These are the fits he pitched when living at home.


Which brand of pads does he use? I think I should invest in stock in that company for as many times as he is on his period. :rofl: 

How sad that he couldn't wait for a second or call you back. It's not like you were going to be away for very long. I know this is his insecurity talking so I kind of understand what happened. I think you handled it well.


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## catch22gofigure

Yes . I'm not having it though. Yes, I've been a a$$ for a long time. I take that blame. I though am not the only one. My lash outs are generally provoked. He will keep on and on and on until i go kablewy !! I mainly keep it all in ..but when I explode. I have a bit of a mouth on me. So for someone who has very few words and dare not lip battle with such a sharp tongue as mine. I know the damage was done. The words I can handle, the frustration, i can handle, but the defamation of my character I do not take lightly when I am not guilty of it.  I am a social butterfly :butterfly:no matter how down and depressed I get. Men and women alike gravitate to me. The men part he can't handle. Not co workers or nothing. So over the years i've tried to deter the friendlier contacts with men. For his sake. I actually communicate and relatr better to men. But have severed many male friendships to calm his nerves. This is something I think is unfair. But did in the name of love. (Ok venting) 
I know im a beautiful woman. No Beyonce , but beautiful in my own class. Funny, witty, surely no dummy, and not too bad in the shape dept to have 3 kids born by c section. I've gotten back in the gym to put some stuff back where it belongs...lol but not a bad looking girl at all. My 22yr old daughter get ticked because people in public think we're sisters. So im not aging either. Why can't he just appreciate that instead of it being a threat to him ?
Ok vent over for now. ..

I lied vent not over

:scratchhead:I could even understand it better if he would just say. Hey im a bit jealous that someone else may try and move in on our marriage. But he will NEVER admit that he's the jealous type. I get stuck with these lil fits because he thinks whatever for whatever reason. 


Now back to my book so I can finish learning what his dang needs are....I refuse to let this keep me upset. Channeling my positivity now. Idk if im more upset about the phone call or the 9.99 I spent on learning more about how to better connect with him. Oh im go finish this book ya best believe. He can either choose to reap the benefits or not !!


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## Tron

Tron said:


> When you go to IC I think these are the topics to bring up in your 1st session:
> 1. depression
> 2. abandonment/rejection from mom
> 3. death of mom
> 4. resentment towards H


Sorry to do this Catch, but you might as well go ahead and add another one to the list.

5. Co-dependence

Don't worry too much, taking care of 2 and 5 pretty much go hand in hand. 

It's ok....baby. 

We'll just add some more books to your reading list. They will be all kinds of interesting and liberating.


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## catch22gofigure

Well i guess my not reacting kinda throwed H off. So he's off work and gives me a ring. First question out of his mouth, what's wrong with you.? I was like uhhh nothing, what gives you the impression anything's wrong ? What he's wanting me to do is question or make mention of his lil fit he pitched earlier. But I didn't. He was like , so how long did your company stay over ? My reply. . I didn't have company I had a visitor, theres a difference. He say , humph. Well your visitor, how long did he stay ? I said long enough to get the glue he came to borrow. Then the conversation goes to is OUR back porch light blowed over at the house. I reply no,..why do you ask that ? No reason he says. So I then get up and go notice its off. (We always leave it on at night ) So umm you all do I have a stalker now ? Anywho I asked him , where are you at. He replies, oh I decided to come home the way that takes you by OUR house. That's twice he referred to it as our house. Mind you now though he lives only minutes away from the home house. He works out of town. Its quicker for him to leave off the hwy and go to his home. If he comes into the city limits it takes him an additional 20 min to get home because of lights and such. Yes i do over analyze things, but im telling myself not to get upset that he is borderline housewatching a house he doesn't want to live in. I want to scream to him why are you doing this ? Because to me its showing yet again that this mans insecurities are rearing their ugly head. This is the first time he slipped and made it know. But how many other times has he done this and I not even know it ? I want to say if you're so done with the marriage why would you even care ? ( venting again ..sorry guys ) he's showering now and calling me back in a few. I just had to get that out here before it flies out my mouth in the next phone call. Hopefully soon ill be able to stop dumping on you guys like this. Right now it's therapeutic so to speak to know I got it out to be heard(well read ) by someone.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Sorry to do this Catch, but you might as well go ahead and add another one to the list.
> 
> 5. Co-dependence
> 
> Don't worry too much, taking care of 2 and 5 pretty much go hand in hand.
> 
> It's ok....baby.
> 
> We'll just add some more books to your reading list. They will be all kinds of interesting and liberating.


Tron I tell ya...you just all over me,huh ?
You're either a therapist or some kinda psychic or something. I today took some time reading an analysis done by a counselor I had in the past. Who said in the report that I show signs of co dependance. So ok Tron..the next book I get will be on this one. And its on my list to take for IC. Thanks a million. .. one more finding from you though and I may as well bypass IC and go straight to the looney bin ...(just kidding) but uhhh the list is piling up ..lol. i don't care. If it gets to the root if my issues im game :smthumbup:


----------



## Tron

You think this jealousy may be him projecting? By that I mean by getting jealous about you seeing other men he is projecting his guilt over seeing other women? You mentioned that he may have had a couple ONS's.

BTW, WAI's husband was verrrrrry jealous too.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Tron I tell ya...you just all over me,huh ?
> You're either a therapist or some kinda psychic or something. I today took some time reading an analysis done by a counselor I had in the past. Who said in the report that I show signs of co dependance. So ok Tron..the next book I get will be on this one. Thanks a million. .. one more finding from you though and I may as well bypass IC and go straight to the looney bin ...(just kidding) but uhhh the list is piling up ..lol. i don't care. If it gets to the root if my issues im game :smthumbup:


Not a therapist and not a psychic. I wish. And not trying to get all over you baby. But I read and analyze what you tell us and you have now written two things in the past 24 hours that tell me that you may be co-dependent. There are signals.

The new books to add to your list:

Co-Dependent No More
Dance of Anger

Glad you are game. Much better attitude that woe is me and I give up. This is what it sounds like to get strong, to get well and be happy with yourself.

BTW, these forums are littered with co-dependent people. They tend to have problems with intimate relationships and marriage. So you are in great company.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You think this jealousy may be him projecting? By that I mean by getting jealous about you seeing other men he is projecting his guilt over seeing other women? You mentioned that he may have had a couple ONS's.
> 
> BTW, WAI's husband was verrrrrry jealous too.


It's one of the two. He always does this when he has taken work that has either long hours or night shifts. If he works 1st and gets off at a decent hour. Its not present as much. Could be guilt too though, idk. He says I talk with my eyes and too friendly with men. Its been years since he said it, but it has been said. I don't see it like that though im just a friendly person with anybody.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Not a therapist and not a psychic. I wish. And not trying to get all over you baby. But I read and analyze what you tell us and you have now written two things in the past 24 hours that tell me that you may be co-dependent. There are signals.
> 
> The new books to add to your list:
> 
> Co-Dependent No More
> Dance of Anger
> 
> Glad you are game. Much better attitude that woe is me and I give up. This is what it sounds like to get strong, to get well and be happy with yourself.
> 
> BTW, these forums are littered with co-dependent people. They tend to have problems with intimate relationships and marriage. So you are in great company.


Ok ...lol well you had me wondering . I'll price the books and get on it asap. Now tell me. What two things that i've said led you to add #5 to my list ?


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok ...lol well you had me wondering . I'll price the books and get on it asap. Now tell me. What two things that i've said led you to add #5 to my list ?


You want me to give away all my secrets?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You want me to give away all my secrets?


Yupp....


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> This is my change, one that will be good for ME. Finally After all these years im gonna start caring for ME. It's not being selfish, it's not sinning by not running to another's needs first, its taking control of my life and emotions for ME !


And this:



catch22gofigure said:


> Always running around helping so many others empower themselves and motivate themselves. Just unable to do it for myself. This sucks big time


= co-dependence

Nice thing is that you know subconsciously that you are and want to do something about it because you are unhappy. You are already starting the process of getting well, and you don't even know it.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> And this:
> 
> 
> 
> = co-dependence
> 
> Nice thing is that you know subconsciously that you are and want to do something about it because you are unhappy. You are already starting the process of getting well, and you don't even know it.


Whoa ! Im impressed Tron. This is that stuff I do for other people. Not this in depth like you...but kinda. Just could never see the stuff in myself.
I always thought i was just being self less. Gaining happiness by seeing others happy from me helping them. Boy was I wrong.


----------



## Tron

If money is an issue, try buying the books used on eBay, amazon used, or half price books.


----------



## catch22gofigure

So I guess now I need to find the fine line between helping people and depending on helping people in a search for my own true happiness and well being.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Whoa ! Im impressed Tron. This is that stuff I do for other people. Not this in depth like you...but kinda. Just could never see the stuff in myself.


It is difficult to self evaluate.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> If money is an issue, try buying the books used on eBay, amazon used, or half price books.


That's what I did today. I first went in B&N and priced the book. Decided i'd wait a day or so came home and remembered I have a kindle app on my phone. Got it 1/2 price on amazon. I plan on doing the same with these books.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> It is difficult to self evaluate.


I see now....:iagree:


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> So I guess now I need to find the fine line between helping people and depending on helping people in a search for my own true happiness and well being.


I am not an expert on co-dependence, but i know it when i see it. look it up on wikipedia for a quick definition. Co-dependence is about putting others needs before your own, to your own detriment. Allowing other people's desires precedence over your own, being so enmeshed in others well-being that you allow their moods and desires to dictate your moods and desire. Doing so much for others that they don't do for themselves and then you being resentful. When you do this, you don't permit others to grow and they take advantage, dont appreciate and lose respect for you.


----------



## Tron

Time for me to get some rest. Have a good night Catch.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Whoa !! That's deep ...even in relation to the H , omg ! So that's why.....hmmmmm epiphany #3. His hissy fits , i've told him a million times he doesn't really respect me...omg i have even bigger fish to fry....


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Time for me to get some rest. Have a good night Catch.


Good Night Tron , thanks for everything. ..until next time :sleeping:


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Eww! But kind of good in a way. You won't have to think about anything else for at a little while. Good luck!! :smthumbup:


Thanks


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I go to the library and borrow their books. Other wise I would be up to my eyes in debt trying to get a hold of the books. Right now I have How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love. Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley, Tough Marriage by Paul A Mickey, and Surrender to Marriage by Iris Kransnow and Forever and a Day by Robert Rocke. I have another one called Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman. The last one is kind of a meditative book.
> 
> I always get excited about a new book because it means I am going to soak in the tub and then fall asleep shortly there after. Sad huh? I don't sleep well so the books lul me to sleep.


I always read before I go to sleep  I've got a few books on my bedside table including the bible in case I need to look up a passage. My bedtime routine consists of s Valarian tablet which is a herbal tablet to calm you down, a camomile tea or other herbal tea and a good book  My head hits the pillow and zonk! lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> The library here is huge true enough. But the selection is a croc of bull. I'd waste morr gas getting there to find they don't have what im looking for than just going ahead and buying the book in most cases.


You can get them to order books in. If you go to the library page on the internet, I'm sure that you'll be able to order the books online and then go and pick them up when they arrive. I'm sure you can do it in the UK and the US is far more advanced than we are, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Wish my luck. I am off to meet my husband for dinner. We are trying to cheer our daughter up. She had a really bad day with her friends at school. A bunch of her friends went on a trip to a museum and on the way back they rode in a limo and stopped of to have dinner at some fancy smancy place. We didn't know about the limo and dinner. If we had known I would have sent her with her friends rather than with her dad. Now they are kind of excluding her in their conversations. It's only 4 days until she gets out of school so hopefully she can hang in there until then. On top of her not so nice friends she learned that a fellow student had passed away over the weekend. Thankfully when I contacted my husband he didn't hesitate to respond. Hopefully dinner will go well. We are going to discuss the trip that is coming up the next weekend. I am riding in the same care with them and I staying with them from 10am til when ever my husband decides to drop me off at my car. Oh please let this be the thing that opens my husbands heart and mind....


Good luck  Hope it goes well, keep us posted


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well H is on his period again tonight I guess. He got seriously ticked that as he called on his lunch a neighbor from down the street was at the door. He heard a male voice asked who it was, I told him and he was like, well I'll let you go then. Wth ?!! i did not react though. I said ok and hung up the phone. Finished getting the neighbor the glue he came to borrow and back to my book. I have to keep telling myself. This is my change, one that will be good for ME. Finally After all these years im gonna start caring for ME. It's not being selfish, it's not sinning by not running to another's needs first, its taking control of my life and emotions for ME !
> These are the fits he pitched when living at home.


Sounds like the green eyed monster is coming out  One thing I've started doing is when my H snaps at me, I don't retaliate like I used to. I just calmly tell him what he wants to hear


----------



## Tron

Catch,

Keep reading your book. When you want to take a break I would like for you to take a look at this post by Conrad on LostLove77's thread and tell me what you think. BTW the discussion takes place around page 12 of his thread.



Conrad said:


> In Anthony DeMello's book "Awareness", he talks about the 3 ways we give pleasure in life:
> 
> 1) Giving pleasure to ourselves. Spending money on something we want. Pursuing an activity we enjoy. Just for us. We're pleased and satisfied with the result.
> 
> 2) Giving pleasure to others in a way that satisfies us and/or makes us feel good about ourselves. There's always been a debate regarding Mother Theresa - as some have called her "selfish". She engaged in a lifestyle I would not want, but it worked for her. She gave with no expectation of getting love back or even a thank you. By all reports, she was an extraordinarily serene soul and a happy person. She gave that way for herself - and it made her feel good.
> 
> 3) (or... #3's) - Giving pleasure to others in a way that makes us feel BAD about ourselves. We usually talk ourselves into allowing someone to cross our boundaries to "keep the peace" or we do something in anticipation of being loved. When the expected result doesn't materialize... or when they don't appreciate us? BOOM... massive anger.
> 
> Sound familiar?
> 
> Get rid of #3's and increase your personal power and happiness.


If you want to start weaning yourself off of co-dependence then I suggest you read Zillard's thread. His methods...textbook perfection. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/60683-what-do-i-dont-know.html

You do this 1 transaction at a time. Sound familiar?


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Sounds like the green eyed monster is coming out  One thing I've started doing is when my H snaps at me, I don't retaliate like I used to. I just calmly tell him what he wants to hear


When i grow up i wanna be just like you..lol  because right now girl i don't have time to patronize his antics. I am however learning to acknowledge what he is saying, be cordial in my response, and extinguish a potential retaliation.


----------



## Tron

Lost,

How does this make you feel?



lostwithouthim said:


> I just calmly tell him what he wants to hear


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I am however learning to acknowledge what he is saying, be cordial in my response, and extinguish a potential retaliation.


This is very good! You're learning.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> Keep reading your book. When you want to take a break I would like for you to take a look at this post by Conrad on LostLove77's thread and tell me what you think. BTW the discussion takes place around page 12 of his thread.
> 
> 
> 
> If you want to start weaning yourself off of co-dependence then I suggest you read Zillard's thread. His methods...textbook perfection.
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/60683-what-do-i-dont-know.html
> 
> You do this 1 transaction at a time. Sound familiar?


Headed over to that thread now. Good thing im a bookworm Tron. ..my must read list just keeps growing and growing. But guess what in this case as my list grows ,so will I !!  Personal growth is my goal !!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> This is very good! You're learning.


I've turned over a new leaf and really am trying thanks to you and a couple of 2x4's 
As well as all the support I get from others on this thread.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well i guess my not reacting kinda throwed H off. So he's off work and gives me a ring. First question out of his mouth, what's wrong with you.? I was like uhhh nothing, what gives you the impression anything's wrong ? What he's wanting me to do is question or make mention of his lil fit he pitched earlier. But I didn't. He was like , so how long did your company stay over ? My reply. . I didn't have company I had a visitor, theres a difference. He say , humph. Well your visitor, how long did he stay ? I said long enough to get the glue he came to borrow. Then the conversation goes to is OUR back porch light blowed over at the house. I reply no,..why do you ask that ? No reason he says. So I then get up and go notice its off. (We always leave it on at night ) So umm you all do I have a stalker now ? Anywho I asked him , where are you at. He replies, oh I decided to come home the way that takes you by OUR house. That's twice he referred to it as our house. Mind you now though he lives only minutes away from the home house. He works out of town. Its quicker for him to leave off the hwy and go to his home. If he comes into the city limits it takes him an additional 20 min to get home because of lights and such. Yes i do over analyze things, but im telling myself not to get upset that he is borderline housewatching a house he doesn't want to live in. I want to scream to him why are you doing this ? Because to me its showing yet again that this mans insecurities are rearing their ugly head. This is the first time he slipped and made it know. But how many other times has he done this and I not even know it ? I want to say if you're so done with the marriage why would you even care ? ( venting again ..sorry guys ) he's showering now and calling me back in a few. I just had to get that out here before it flies out my mouth in the next phone call. Hopefully soon ill be able to stop dumping on you guys like this. Right now it's therapeutic so to speak to know I got it out to be heard(well read ) by someone.


Sounds like my H when he starts going on about things in my house that need fixing or cleaning. It's like, you don't want to live here anymore so don't tell me how to run my house! But of course I only think that, I don't say that as I'm not ranting at him at the moment, lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Not a therapist and not a psychic. I wish. And not trying to get all over you baby. But I read and analyze what you tell us and you have now written two things in the past 24 hours that tell me that you may be co-dependent. There are signals.
> 
> The new books to add to your list:
> 
> Co-Dependent No More
> Dance of Anger
> 
> Glad you are game. Much better attitude that woe is me and I give up. This is what it sounds like to get strong, to get well and be happy with yourself.
> 
> BTW, these forums are littered with co-dependent people. They tend to have problems with intimate relationships and marriage. So you are in great company.


That book co-dependence no more sounds good  I may have to read that one next


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> So I guess now I need to find the fine line between helping people and depending on helping people in a search for my own true happiness and well being.


That sounds like me as well. I'm too caring for my own good that's my trouble. I always make sure everyone else is looked after before me, including my H, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Whoa !! That's deep ...even in relation to the H , omg ! So that's why.....hmmmmm epiphany #3. His hissy fits , i've told him a million times he doesn't really respect me...omg i have even bigger fish to fry....


Talking of respect, I had an epiphany last night. In this book hope for the separated, it asks you to connect with God ans ask him what I did wrong in my marriage. I concentrated hard, wrote down a few things and Then this bible passage came to me. I looked up the passage and it talked about respect for your husband. That was a deal breaker for me! I would say that that is the first time I knew that God connected with me, the other times I've only thought that God connected with me. The passage was 1 Peter 3:6-11. I was totally gobsmacked when that passage came into my head and I had no idea what the passage was about! I am still reeling from this revelation even now!


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Lost,
> 
> How does this make you feel?


It gets my back up when he snaps at me because I'm left thinking what did I say now that caused him to snap? It is normally nothing I've said wrong. I know it is his depression that is causing him to snap and as I suffer from depression as well that's what caused me to retaliate. I feel that if I'd done this ages ago, things might have been different and we may still be together. Note I said the word "MAY" as there are other issues that need to be addressed. I am changing as a person, becoming more tolerant and patient, at least I hope so, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Headed over to that thread now. Good thing im a bookworm Tron. ..my must read list just keeps growing and growing. But guess what in this case as my list grows ,so will I !!  Personal growth is my goal !!


Me too Catch  It's good that we are both working on personal growth at the same time  The first time he left I didn't go on any forums and I feel now that I've missed out


----------



## Finding Nemo

I am keep trying to catch you guys up on what happened last night. Some good...not so good. Some really clear stuff...and some stuff that has thrown me right back into the world of confusion. Sigh! 
I had it all written out and I was proof reading it. The phone rang so I got up to answer it. Came back lifted the laptop and I hit a key...poof! Everything I had written all gone. I'll be back in a bit. Going to try this one more time.


----------



## Finding Nemo

So....off to dinner with our daughter we go. She chose a steak and lobster place. We meet there and immediately my husband says I have been trying to call you is something wrong with your phone? Remember FIL told him earlier that I was ignoring everyone and I had already had the discussion about how I wasn't. I didn't want to get into it with him right off from the start so I gave him my phone to see that there were no calls on it. Sure, enough something was wrong with my phone. It's functioning for everything but being a phone. I had this happened before and he fixed it, so he messed with it and after a lot of tries got it going again. (stressful situation resolved)

We are sitting there eating and talking and my daughter tells him that I got a new purse.  She is all excited about it because it is one similar to the one that I had when I first met my husband. My mom hated that purse. It's lots of mixed up colors of various types of leather. The significance of the purse was what my mom had said about my purse to my husband. When I was meeting my husband for the first time, my plane had arrived late and so my mom and my husband were scared something had happened. So while they were talking my mom said something to the effect of look for the lady with God awful purse. My husband loved that purse. So, he was curious last night about how I had found another so similar to the first one. He said this one was cool, too. ( I thought -- cool feeding positive memories to the memory bank)

I am not sure how they ended up on the topic, but my husband and daughter started talking about her birth. It's incredible that he remembers so many of the details. I'll keep it short and tell you that I had developed high blood pressure and I was carrying 80 pounds of toxic fluid in my body by the time my daughter was ready to be born. I was fine up until the point where the nurse said I couldn't have any more of the pain medicine they were giving me. She said I had to have to spinal blocker. So, she gave me that and then my daughter and I flat lined a couple of times after that. My husband says he had never been so scared in his life. Then they start talking about a fire I had in our house and burned my hand really badly during it. And that lead to time my cat bit my hand. my husband was talking about the cat bit telling me that the doctor didn't tell me but he told my husband that I had over 100 teeth marks in my hand and if I hadn't come in to get antibiotics I probably would have died. He was telling our daughter that he was so glad that he forced me to go to the hospital. He said had I have not gone willingly, he would have called the ambulance and forced me to go. (more memories for the memory bank..this time all trauma and how he says he is glad he didn't lose me during any of those times.) 

All this sounds really nice, huh? I felt like I should have been feeling like he really does care about me. But, all that kept going through my head is who is this guy because this isn't the same guy who cared about all that bad stuff that happened. This guy chooses to live in another city and I am lucky he is talks to me about anything other than our daughter and he gives me a hug every now and again if I am lucky. 

Next comes the details of the trip we are taking Saturday. He starts telling me how it's all going to go down. I am supposed to meet him in the parking lot where we exchange our daughter. Then ride with him and spend the entire day and most of the evening with him and our daughter. FIL, FIL's girlfriend and her two kids are supposed to meet us at the amusement park. I can do this for my daughter, but I am going to admit that my mind is really racing all over the place. I want to know why he is approaching this like there's nothing wrong? As if this is just another family trip. Why hasn't he tried to keep distance from me and approach me in a way that keep him safe from me. Why hasn't he asked if I could meet them at the amusement park? This thought really has my mind confused. If he is so scared of me, why is he locking himself into a situation where he is pretty much stuck with me all day and most of the evening?

We are supposed to talk again on Wednesday and make sure that everyone's schedule is still clear. I am kind of excited, but kind of confused at the same time. Do you guys have any advice that might help keep this situation from being tense all day? I already plan to hold his hand and behave like nothing is wrong. If he's going to behave like this is any other family outing, then I figure I should too. Maybe I am wrong?


----------



## Tron

Nemo,

Does he tell you he loves you?


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> So....off to dinner with our daughter we go. She chose a steak and lobster place. We meet there and immediately my husband says I have been trying to call you is something wrong with your phone? Remember FIL told him earlier that I was ignoring everyone and I had already had the discussion about how I wasn't. I didn't want to get into it with him right off from the start so I gave him my phone to see that there were no calls on it. Sure, enough something was wrong with my phone. It's functioning for everything but being a phone. I had this happened before and he fixed it, so he messed with it and after a lot of tries got it going again. (stressful situation resolved)
> 
> We are sitting there eating and talking and my daughter tells him that I got a new purse. She is all excited about it because it is one similar to the one that I had when I first met my husband. My mom hated that purse. It's lots of mixed up colors of various types of leather. The significance of the purse was what my mom had said about my purse to my husband. When I was meeting my husband for the first time, my plane had arrived late and so my mom and my husband were scared something had happened. So while they were talking my mom said something to the effect of look for the lady with God awful purse. My husband loved that purse. So, he was curious last night about how I had found another so similar to the first one. He said this one was cool, too. ( I thought -- cool feeding positive memories to the memory bank)
> 
> I am not sure how they ended up on the topic, but my husband and daughter started talking about her birth. It's incredible that he remembers so many of the details. I'll keep it short and tell you that I had developed high blood pressure and I was carrying 80 pounds of toxic fluid in my body by the time my daughter was ready to be born. I was fine up until the point where the nurse said I couldn't have any more of the pain medicine they were giving me. She said I had to have to spinal blocker. So, she gave me that and then my daughter and I flat lined a couple of times after that. My husband says he had never been so scared in his life. Then they start talking about a fire I had in our house and burned my hand really badly during it. And that lead to time my cat bit my hand. my husband was talking about the cat bit telling me that the doctor didn't tell me but he told my husband that I had over 100 teeth marks in my hand and if I hadn't come in to get antibiotics I probably would have died. He was telling our daughter that he was so glad that he forced me to go to the hospital. He said had I have not gone willingly, he would have called the ambulance and forced me to go. (more memories for the memory bank..this time all trauma and how he says he is glad he didn't lose me during any of those times.)
> 
> All this sounds really nice, huh? I felt like I should have been feeling like he really does care about me. But, all that kept going through my head is who is this guy because this isn't the same guy who cared about all that bad stuff that happened. This guy chooses to live in another city and I am lucky he is talks to me about anything other than our daughter and he gives me a hug every now and again if I am lucky.
> 
> Next comes the details of the trip we are taking Saturday. He starts telling me how it's all going to go down. I am supposed to meet him in the parking lot where we exchange our daughter. Then ride with him and spend the entire day and most of the evening with him and our daughter. FIL, FIL's girlfriend and her two kids are supposed to meet us at the amusement park. I can do this for my daughter, but I am going to admit that my mind is really racing all over the place. I want to know why he is approaching this like there's nothing wrong? As if this is just another family trip. Why hasn't he tried to keep distance from me and approach me in a way that keep him safe from me. Why hasn't he asked if I could meet them at the amusement park? This thought really has my mind confused. If he is so scared of me, why is he locking himself into a situation where he is pretty much stuck with me all day and most of the evening?
> 
> We are supposed to talk again on Wednesday and make sure that everyone's schedule is still clear. I am kind of excited, but kind of confused at the same time. Do you guys have any advice that might help keep this situation from being tense all day? I already plan to hold his hand and behave like nothing is wrong. If he's going to behave like this is any other family outing, then I figure I should too. Maybe I am wrong?


Glad the dinner went well  Funny you should say that about your daughter's birth as my H brought up the fact that I had to be cut and the sound of me being cut will haunt him for the rest of his life! He also talked about the pizzas we used to make when we had just started living together. We used to buy pizza bases and then put mounds of topping on it so it was ridiculous.
I'm not surprised that you're feeling apprehensive about the trip, I would too  I know you've probably said this before, but does your H now about the relationship between you and your FIL? If he doesn't, then maybe you should tell him if you can (I know sometimes it's hard to talk about stuff like that!). If he does know about your relationship, then why is he inviting your FIL along as well? You won't enjoy the trip if your FIL is there as well, so you need to work something out to say before Weds. The only other thing to do is say well as long as my FIL behaves himself!
As for you and him travelling together, WH had the same issue. I don't see a problem with it, but there may be long silences. If you've got a story tape to listen to or the radio then it might break the long silences. When H come round and we're watching TV, he will often talk over the programme anyway, lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

ok my update - My H is still being distant with me, I'm convinced now that he has spoken with his mum and his mum has told him that I will still have him back. He's also been to the council offices to sort out his rent and council tax, so maybe he's feeling finally free. I know that Catch has said something before in answer to my recent post, but it is really winding me up that he's not replying immediately. I've had to text him today because it was to do with our son, but I only text if I need to. I feel like going NC with him, but I'm not able to! He's probably thinking oh no she's texting me again!!


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Nemo,
> 
> Does he tell you he loves you?


That's easy to answer because my IC asked me about this once, too. It depends upon if you are looking for a specific amount of times that he says it or if he says it at all. 

When I met him he would say it all of the time. Then after about a year he didn't say it as often. But, during the times that he would say it, you *knew* he meant it. 


Since April 1st this is the data that I can give you. (IC had me do the research that's why I have it available now.) 

Via text = 5 times. In addition to I love you, he usually says something more along the lines of Thank you or Sweet Dreams or something like that. 

Via email = he hasn't said it in years. We had a counselor ask him about this once and he said I don't even sign my name anymore because she already knows it. Why write it all the time if she already knows it? 

In person = about 4 times that jump to the front of my mind. And they are never him saying it first. He will say something like...I love you guys too or he will say... that goes both ways. 

On the phone = probably 2 times but always after something would be said and he would get kind of scared. Last week we had our first REALLY SERIOUS conversation and he was adamant about really loving me. 

He doesn't say it to our daughter very often either...and I know for a *fact *that he does. 

I can also tell you that before when he talked to his dad which was about once every couple of weeks, his dad would say that to him and he would say it back to him. They talk every single day now but since I can't hear the conversations any more I don't know if he still says it as much to him. 

Keep in mind that we don't talk very much. Its only been recently that conversations have really started to pick up. The holidays have been helped to create some of those conversations. So, I kind of wonder if we will be talking as much in June and July.

I will be interested to see what you come up with versus what my IC came up with.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> ...then why is he inviting your FIL along as well?
> 
> ...there may be long silences. If you've got a story tape to listen to or the radio then it might break the long silences.



He does know. Why he is inviting FIL, I don't know. Our daughter has so little family that she knows and my FIL is sick with all kinds of stuff ... so maybe he is feeling like this might be her last birthday with him or something. I will be good for my daughter's sake. 

:rofl: You would have to meet my daughter to understand the true meaning behind that smiley. My daughter can carry on a conversation with a rock and it will answer her. She is hilarious. I do understand what you are saying though because before we could talk about anything and everything. Now there are limits.


----------



## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> I will be interested to see what you come up with versus what my IC came up with.


Yes, he loves you. But right now he is guarded and afraid to be too open, too vulnerable with you.

How is that?


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I've had to text him today because it was to do with our son, but I only text if I need to. I feel like going NC with him, but I'm not able to! He's probably thinking oh no she's texting me again!!




Well, that is what you are supposed to do. He is the dad and just because he isn't there doesn't mean he gets to stop taking care of his child.


----------



## Tron

Nemo, 
With your H's issues I am sure that your IC told you that you are going to have to take things slow and be patient. How did your IC tell you to create a safe environment for him?


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Yes, he loves you. But right now he is guarded and afraid to be too open, too vulnerable with you.
> 
> How is that?



LOL...close to what my counselor said. But my counselor also said to be guarded because he never initiates saying it. He could be playing a game with me to keep me helping him through his mess with the courts. I am supposed to be making life miserable for him, but I am not like that. Makes me mad when people play games. So I don't want to play games either. In my husbands mind though...I am the one that controls his life right now. So he could be trying to appease me. I hope that is not the case. Because I genuinely love him and I would not want any kind of harm to come to him.


----------



## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> LOL...close to what my counselor said. But my counselor also said to be guarded because he never initiates saying it. He could be playing a game with me to keep me helping him through his mess with the courts. I am supposed to be making life miserable for him, but I am not like that. Makes me mad when people play games. So I don't want to play games either.  In my husbands mind though...I am the one that controls his life right now. So he could be trying to appease me. I hope that is not the case. Because I genuinely love him and I would not want any kind of harm to come to him.


This is just my opinion but I think they will always say be guarded when people are having marital problems. If their patient doesn't and things go poorly then it makes the counselor's job that much more difficult. As things improve and they see a proven track record they will recommend you open up and be more vulnerable a little at a time. 

So he has officially been on Nemo lockdown for what, 6 months now?

Has he always had anger issues or was this an isolated case?


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Nemo,
> With your H's issues I am sure that your IC told you that you are going to have to take things slow and be patient. How did your IC tell you to create a safe environment for him?


Some of the ways have to do with feeding his self esteem because right now he is trying to re "find" himself. 

I remind him often that he is a good caring person, I remind him he is a good dad, things like that. 

I feed him good memories...like what happened at the restaurant. 

I try to get him to think about those kind of things for when he is not around me or our daughter. 

I also remind him that home is still home and that he hasn't lost a thing. 

I try to touch him on his arm or on his hand or something when he doesn't get out of the car. 

I also share pictures and funny things that are daughter is doing so that he knows I am not trying to keep her away from him or anything like that. 

I made him a blanket several years ago and he has always used it at night. I sent that blanket to him for his bed at the apartment. Something to help remind him that is special. 

An important thing that I do is to try not to push him. He gave me boundaries and he has slowly changed the boundaries as time has gone by. I try to respect the boundaries. 

I have only invited myself along to something with him and our daughter once and that opened the door to him talking to me more. I let him invite me if he wants me to come along. 

I let him initiate talking about "us" ~ except for the last week when I found out about his apartment and how he was lying to me about where he was living. 

If you have any other suggestions, I will certainly look into them.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> .
> 
> So he has officially been on Nemo lockdown for what, 6 months now?
> 
> Has he always had anger issues or was this an isolated case?



Five months. And I wish he would accept the "key" for release because I am not his captor. They gave me TONS of assistance and they still offer it to me today. But, he hasn't had any type of help for coping with the situation. The help is coming starting this week ...I hope. He was supposed to start treatment / prevention classes last week but something happened and they pushed it back. I think it may have been not enough people for his treatment level or something. 

This was an isolated case. What they think may have happened...but they didn't say anything to him is that he may have had a flash back from incidents that happened to him growing up. His dad beat him really bad when he was a young boy. There was blood on the walls and floor. My husband was made to clean it up. This happened a couple of times because his mom did not do anything about it. Then when my husband was about 30, he was in the transition from moving to a house to an apartment but the apartment wasn't ready for him to move into. He was at his mom's house when his brother came home flying high off of who knows what kind of drugs. He pulled a gun on my husband because he was mad that my husband was in the bathroom and he wanted in there. By the grace of God their mom walked in just about the time the brother went to pull the the trigger. My husband grabbed the gun and ran from the house. So, they think in this case, he may have felt like he was being victimized again and so this time he fought back against what he thought was reality. Unfortunately it was different from reality and it was me that got hurt and not him. 

His youth was marred with his parents not taking care of him very well. But, he managed to over come all of that and he is successful now. That's why he is having to re"find" himself. Because people treat him differently now. That's why I try to remind him that he isn't anyone different. He still works hard, does a good job at it and he looks after his family to the best of his ability. Working with my IC I can pin point now why he has done the things he has done to me in the past. I just hope we can get to a point where we can work on those things. Because again it has to do with what's in his head and his past versus what is real.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Nemo it sounds that you are doing everything right  I can't think of anything else at the moment. The book I'm reading says to build your relationship with God as he should be the no.1 in your life at the mo and not your H. God is the only one who knows what you are going through. The chapter I'm reading tells me to read a passage of the bible, pray to God about the passage - what you understood and what you didn't and then read the passage again and it will become clear to you. Mark your bible by putting stars or underlining the words or sentence that speaks to you. I'm always stuck with what to read, so I tend to go with what I read about in the book I'm reading. This book recommends I start with James and work from there


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Five months. And I wish he would accept the "key" for release because I am not his captor. They gave me TONS of assistance and they still offer it to me today. But, he hasn't had any type of help for coping with the situation. The help is coming starting this week ...I hope. He was supposed to start treatment / prevention classes last week but something happened and they pushed it back. I think it may have been not enough people for his treatment level or something.
> 
> This was an isolated case. What they think may have happened...but they didn't say anything to him is that he may have had a flash back from incidents that happened to him growing up. His dad beat him really bad when he was a young boy. There was blood on the walls and floor. My husband was made to clean it up. This happened a couple of times because his mom did not do anything about it. Then when my husband was about 30, he was in the transition from moving to a house to an apartment but the apartment wasn't ready for him to move into. He was at his mom's house when his brother came home flying high off of who knows what kind of drugs. He pulled a gun on my husband because he was mad that my husband was in the bathroom and he wanted in there. By the grace of God their mom walked in just about the time the brother went to pull the the trigger. My husband grabbed the gun and ran from the house. So, they think in this case, he may have felt like he was being victimized again and so this time he fought back against what he thought was reality. Unfortunately it was different from reality and it was me that got hurt and not him.
> 
> His youth was marred with his parents not taking care of him very well. But, he managed to over come all of that and he is successful now. That's why he is having to re"find" himself. Because people treat him differently now. That's why I try to remind him that he isn't anyone different. He still works hard, does a good job at it and he looks after his family to the best of his ability. Working with my IC I can pin point now why he has done the things he has done to me in the past. I just hope we can get to a point where we can work on those things. Because again it has to do with what's in his head and his past versus what is real.


what a sad story  I really feel for your H and believe that he should've got treatment long ago for what his dad did to him. I suppose though he was a typical bloke (sorry Tron!) and wouldn't accept help off anyone. Is he religious like you? If so, maybe you can remind him that God has already forgiven him for his sins


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> I suppose though he was a typical bloke (sorry Tron!) and wouldn't accept help off anyone.


No need to apologize to me...I know I'm a special breed. I let my W know every day how lucky she is to have me around. She agrees. :awink: most days.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Talking of respect, I had an epiphany last night. In this book hope for the separated, it asks you to connect with God ans ask him what I did wrong in my marriage. I concentrated hard, wrote down a few things and Then this bible passage came to me. I looked up the passage and it talked about respect for your husband. That was a deal breaker for me! I would say that that is the first time I knew that God connected with me, the other times I've only thought that God connected with me. The passage was 1 Peter 3:6-11. I was totally gobsmacked when that passage came into my head and I had no idea what the passage was about! I am still reeling from this revelation even now!


Its so awesome when He does that. Kinda throws ya off, but indeed awesome!


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> No need to apologize to me...I know I'm a special breed. I let my W know every day how lucky she is to have me around. She agrees. :awink: most days.


My H is the same, he says he will work through his depression himself without any help or treatment. He needs help, but I can't tell him that. He needs to figure that out for himself!
I know one of the main things he gets depressed about is money, especially when he hasn't got any! Rightly or wrongly I've not accepted any extra help from the state as this will mean he will have to pay child maintenance and as he hasn't got any money he can't pay it! It will be taken off me though and so I don't see the point of claiming anymore. I'm doing ok anyway so I don't miss it. I've just got to get the housing benefit sorted out and then I'll be ok  I'll have to see how things progress, at the end of the day I might have to claim this extra benefit.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I am keep trying to catch you guys up on what happened last night. Some good...not so good. Some really clear stuff...and some stuff that has thrown me right back into the world of confusion. Sigh!
> I had it all written out and I was proof reading it. The phone rang so I got up to answer it. Came back lifted the laptop and I hit a key...poof! Everything I had written all gone. I'll be back in a bit. Going to try this one more time.


You wouldn't believe how much this happens to me ...matter of fact it just happened. I just said forget it. Ill tell them later.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Its so awesome when He does that. Kinda throws ya off, but indeed awesome!


Hey Catch, nice to see you  It was pretty awesome and yes it did throw me off, lol. God has never spoken to me like that before!


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> ok my update - My H is still being distant with me, I'm convinced now that he has spoken with his mum and his mum has told him that I will still have him back. He's also been to the council offices to sort out his rent and council tax, so maybe he's feeling finally free. I know that Catch has said something before in answer to my recent post, but it is really winding me up that he's not replying immediately. I've had to text him today because it was to do with our son, but I only text if I need to. I feel like going NC with him, but I'm not able to! He's probably thinking oh no she's texting me again!!


No telling with him Lost. I've stopped trying to even figure out the most of it. We'll be bat crazy. It's sooo hard not to though when you're filled with so many unanswered questions.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> No need to apologize to me...I know I'm a special breed. I let my W know every day how lucky she is to have me around. She agrees. :awink: most days.


Omg !!!...just kidding. Yeah you're pretty awesome Tron..


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> No telling with him Lost. I've stopped trying to even figure out the most of it. We'll be bat crazy. It's sooo hard not to though when you're filled with so many unanswered questions.


I know it's hard, but it's also ignorant! I asked him a straight forward question and you'd think he'd give me a straight forward answer! Well I'm not going to be around to talk to him tomorrow, my friend has invited me round for tea  So I'll be just popping home, collecting my son and off out again


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## catch22gofigure

Well today's been pretty eventful. Interview went great ill know something by the end of the week. H did a pop up visit this morning. Acted as if it was hard for him to leave. He kept going in and out the door everytime he said he was leaving. Brought his entire dvd collection over, why idk. Then after leaving called and asked me if I would bring the kids by his house. So I did before my interview, they are still there now even though he's at work. He kept saying in conversation on the phone that he wants to move too. That if i get established somewhere that he may soon follow. I said that a move may be good for him too. He then called back and requested i bring over some item he had left in his moving out. I told him my car does not run on air hun, you'll have to get it another day since ive been over his way already today and he's been over here. He keeps looking at me with a look you give people when either you have something to say or you're waiting on a response to something. I didn't know what to do with that shy of asking what'sup ... so i dismissed it. and he finally left. Oh must mention. ..lol i could have won best dressed toda y for that interview ...and he just happened to comeby as i was slipping on my heels. ..maybe that's why he had such a hard time. leaving ...who knows with this guy these days.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey Catch, nice to see you  It was pretty awesome and yes it did throw me off, lol. God has never spoken to me like that before!


Hey there (waving) !! He will do it often , once you're in His presence and quiet enough to reverence and listen to Him.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I know it's hard, but it's also ignorant! I asked him a straight forward question and you'd think he'd give me a straight forward answer! Well I'm not going to be around to talk to him tomorrow, my friend has invited me round for tea  So I'll be just popping home, collecting my son and off out again


Good for you ! Keeping busy takesyou're. your mind off the madness. Ok culture question. ..what's. up with tea all the time there ? I see that going on a lot with posts from people that live in the UK. I mean i drink tea ;but with a meal. Nothing really I'd plan a outing around


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well today's been pretty eventful. Interview went great ill know something by the end of the week. H did a pop up visit this morning. Acted as if it was hard for him to leave. He kept going in and out the door everytime he said he was leaving. Brought his entire dvd collection over, why idk. Then after leaving called and asked me if I would bring the kids by his house. So I did before my interview, they are still there now even though he's at work. He kept saying in conversation on the phone that he wants to move too. That if i get established somewhere that he may soon follow. I said that a move may be good for him too. He then called back and requested i bring over some item he had left in his moving out. I told him my car does not run on air hun, you'll have to get it another day since ive been over his way already today and he's been over here. He keeps looking at me with a look you give people when either you have something to say or you're waiting on a response to something. I didn't know what to do with that shy of asking what'sup ... so i dismissed itassigned. and he finally left. Oh must mention. ..lol i could have won best dressed toda y for that interview ...and he just happened to comeby as i was slipping on my heels. ..maybe that's why he had such a hard time. leaving ...who knows with this guy these days.


Hope the outcome is good for you  I would say good luck with the interview, but I'm not sure it's what you want! If there was a chance of R, would you still want to move away or stick around? can you manage on just one wage, even with a part time job?
Funny you mentioning about dressing up for the interview with heels. I think that short skirt with leggings got my H going as well! I'm wearing my sexy beauty college uniform tomorrow, lol. He doesn't even notice me in that! I always thought that men got turned on by uniforms, lol. Apparently not in this case! maybe I should wear a sexy nurses uniform to college tomorrow, lol. 
Anyway I'm not depressed that he's not replied to my text today, just annoyed!
Just listening to one of my favourite Christian songs "hosanna". I've got UCB radio on my TV at the mo, a UK christian radio station. I'm tempted to leave it tuned in as H will be round tomorrow and no doubt will want to watch TV, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

Oh yes and the DVDs coming back to your house? That's weird! Maybe he's not got room in his apartment for all of them, IDK! I notice that things like books have started reappearing in my house. I think he's treating this as a library, bringing books back that he's read and taking some books that he's not read, lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Good for you ! Keeping busy takesyou're. your mind off the madness. Ok culture question. ..what's. up with tea all the time there ? I see that going on a lot with posts from people that live in the UK. I mean i drink tea ;but with a meal. Nothing really I'd plan a outing around


lol I knew that would confuse you  Tea is something you eat over here it's the same as your evening meal or dinner. We also drink tea just to confuse you even further, lol  So you can have tea with your tea, lol  I'll try and call it evening meal from now on


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hope the outcome is good for you  I would say good luck with the interview, but I'm not sure it's what you want! If there was a chance of R, would you still want to move away or stick around? can you manage on just one wage, even with a part time job?
> Funny you mentioning about dressing up for the interview with heels. I think that short skirt with leggings got my H going as well! I'm wearing my sexy beauty college uniform tomorrow, lol. He doesn't even notice me in that! I always thought that men got turned on by uniforms, lol. Apparently not in this case! maybe I should wear a sexy nurses uniform to college tomorrow, lol.
> Anyway I'm not depressed that he's not replied to my text today, just annoyed!
> Just listening to one of my favourite Christian songs "hosanna". I've got UCB radio on my TV at the mo, a UK christian radio station. I'm tempted to leave it tuned in as H will be round tomorrow and no doubt will want to watch TV, lol


Yep I'll still move. I can't be moved by him at this point. I have to do whats best for me this time around. I can make it off little or nothing. Put my trust in God not man. God is the source not the resource and faith without works is dead. So stepping out on faith.


----------



## Finding Nemo

I have to run for a little bit because I have to work for a couple of hours, but I wanted to tell you guys I am laughing with you girls for being awesome like me. I have a story to tell you about what happened last Friday that included some heels and a skirt as well. Tron might want to shield his eyes and not read what I will write later. LOL. I thought I felt bad for it...but now I don't. Is that bad or what?


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Oh yes and the DVDs coming back to your house? That's weird! Maybe he's not got room in his apartment for all of them, IDK! I notice that things like books have started reappearing in my house. I think he's treating this as a library, bringing books back that he's read and taking some books that he's not read, lol.


They're all in a suitcase.there's plenty room for them at his place. We watch them almost daily when im over there. He says maybe the kids want to see some of then...but they watch them with us when we're there. ..so idk


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> lol I knew that would confuse you  Tea is something you eat over here it's the same as your evening meal or dinner. We also drink tea just to confuse you even further, lol  So you can have tea with your tea, lol  I'll try and call it evening meal from now on


Lol, ohhh !! I was like what's so special about this dang tea everybody drinking:scratchhead:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I have to run for a little bit because I have to work for a couple of hours, but I wanted to tell you guys I am laughing with you girls for being awesome like me. I have a story to tell you about what happened last Friday that included some heels and a skirt as well. Tron might want to shield his eyes and not read what I will write later. LOL. I thought I felt bad for it...but now I don't. Is that bad or what?


 Nope not bad at all...it takes all i have sometime to keep my posts pg13...lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I know it's hard, but it's also ignorant! I asked him a straight forward question and you'd think he'd give me a straight forward answer! Well I'm not going to be around to talk to him tomorrow, my friend has invited me round for tea  So I'll be just popping home, collecting my son and off out again


I'm not just saying your H...all our ours who we're going through this with.


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> Oh yes and the DVDs coming back to your house? That's weird! Maybe he's not got room in his apartment for all of them, IDK! I notice that things like books have started reappearing in my house. I think he's treating this as a library, bringing books back that he's read and taking some books that he's not read, lol.


Interesting...Maybe you need to get rid of the fluff and start stocking the shelf with nothing but self help books.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Interesting...Maybe you need to get rid of the fluff and start stocking the shelf with nothing but self help books.


Aye...he's got a point Lost. That's one way to reach him.


----------



## catch22gofigure

So this book His Needs Her Needs...it's really a good read. Page turner even. ..I'm impressed. ..


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> So this book His Needs Her Needs...it's really a good read. Page turner even. ..I'm impressed. ..


:smthumbup:

Glad you enjoyed it. I read it many, many moons ago, shortly after our separation. It helped me a lot. Gave it to my wife when I was done. Don't know if she ever read it but I think she did.

If your husband will read it and take the questionnaire that would be helpful. Good luck.

Next up...Codependent No More. Interestingly enough they highly recommend this one to spouses of people with addictions. Codependence and enabling are hallmarks of these kinds of relationships. Epiphanies galore.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> Glad you enjoyed it. I read it many, many moons ago, shortly after our separation. It helped me a lot. Gave it to my wife when I was done. Don't know if she ever read it but I think she did.
> 
> If your husband will read it and take the questionnaire that would be helpful. Good luck.
> 
> Next up...Codependent No More. Interestingly enough they highly recommend this one to spouses of people with addictions. Codependence and enabling are hallmarks of these kinds of relationships. Epiphanies galore.


Yep that's up next ! I got sidetracked and didn't finish that thread review yet. I think im gonna go and do that now.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Im not done with the book yet. Just finished that thread though, thanks for sending me over to it. For lack of better words im just gonna say , Wow and smh. I told you though that he isnot gonna read that book. No i haven't asked him, but remember this is the same dude who says he's done. Even though everyone says his actions show different. And i'm giving it a try for R by bettering myself first. I really dont even want to ask him to engage in such until I know what his true intentions are. That's like setting myself of for a rollercoaster ride. I know eventually something will have to be said or done. But how when i know when its time to request something like that ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Well H stopped by after work and the first thing out his mouth was D**n baby you looked good today ...well I'll be darn haven't gotten a hearty compliment like that one in a loonnnggg while. Thing is i've worn what I had on today a time or two before. I didn't take this as a physical compliment. ..i really didn't. I took this as a compliment to the subtle changes i've made in my outlook and disposition and reaction to him in just a day or so. He I think he was able to see outwardly. ..my inner change. Just thought i'd share. He still won't get hanky panky tonight though. Tron before you break out the 2x4 . I'm not rejecting him, I'm letting whatever it is he saw marinate . He needs to let whatever that is that forced those words from his mouth sink in. It's been over 9 hrs since he saw me. So that means to me it's been on his mind today. I'll. Initiate touch (hits primary love language ) maybe a massage . I don't want to cloud what he saw with sex.. I can gauge his reaction to see if I should go ahead and give in. But if I can help it im not going to. I need him to sleep on this one. Tomorrow is my interview in the city I'm wanting to relocate to. Wish me luck !


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Well H stopped by after work and the first thing out his mouth was D**n baby you looked good today ...well I'll be darn haven't gotten a hearty compliment like that one in a loonnnggg while. Thing is i've worn what I had on today a time or two before. I didn't take this as a physical compliment. ..i really didn't. I took this as a compliment to the subtle changes i've made in my outlook and disposition and reaction to him in just a day or so. He I think he was able to see outwardly. ..my inner change. Just thought i'd share. He still won't get hanky panky tonight though. Tron before you break out the 2x4 . I'm not rejecting him, I'm letting whatever it is he saw marinate . He needs to let whatever that is that forced those words from his mouth sink in. It's been over 9 hrs since he saw me. So that means to me it's been on his mind today. I'll. Initiate touch (hits primary love language ) maybe a massage . I don't want to cloud what he saw with sex.. I can gauge his reaction to see if I should go ahead and give in. But if I can help it im not going to. I need him to sleep on this one. Tomorrow is my interview in the city I'm wanting to relocate to. Wish me luck !


Told ya. No 2x4 tonight. You da boss, you decide.

Good luck sugar plum!


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Im not done with the book yet. Just finished that thread though, thanks for sending me over to it. For lack of better words im just gonna say , Wow and smh. I told you though that he isnot gonna read that book. No i haven't asked him, but remember this is the same dude who says he's done. Even though everyone says his actions show different. And i'm giving it a try for R by bettering myself first. I really dont even want to ask him to engage in such until I know what his true intentions are. That's like setting myself of for a rollercoaster ride. I know eventually something will have to be said or done. But how when i know when its time to request something like that ?


Watch what they do, not what they say. One of Conrad's favorites.

Let's give him a little time to reflect on some of the positive changes you've made. If he notices them and starts talking about them, maybe bring it up then. You'll know when.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Told ya. No 2x4 tonight. You da boss, you decide.
> 
> Good luck sugar plum!


Thanks, well I'm up early as I have a bit to do today. I didn't have to be put in a position to put out and he initiated contact with the head in the lap thing again. So just a gentle caress and light convo and he was out like a light. His demeanor was soft and pleasant. We'll see how things go today. Normally such days like this kinda throw him off so we'll see what today brings. I'm prepared if the rollercoaster decides to show up. I will be consistent in my life changes.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Watch what they do, not what they say. One of Conrad's favorites.
> 
> Let's give him a little time to reflect on some of the positive changes you've made. If he notices them and starts talking about them, maybe bring it up then. You'll know when.


Gotcha ! Will do.


----------



## Tron

What did you take out of Zillard's thread that you think you can implement yourself?


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm prepared if the rollercoaster decides to show up. I will be consistent in my life changes.


:smthumbup:

Music to my ears.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Aye...he's got a point Lost. That's one way to reach him.


Good idea  I like this a lot


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> So this book His Needs Her Needs...it's really a good read. Page turner even. ..I'm impressed. ..


another book to add to my ever growing list, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Im not done with the book yet. Just finished that thread though, thanks for sending me over to it. For lack of better words im just gonna say , Wow and smh. I told you though that he isnot gonna read that book. No i haven't asked him, but remember this is the same dude who says he's done. Even though everyone says his actions show different. And i'm giving it a try for R by bettering myself first. I really dont even want to ask him to engage in such until I know what his true intentions are. That's like setting myself of for a rollercoaster ride. I know eventually something will have to be said or done. But how when i know when its time to request something like that ?


That's exactly how I feel  I'm slowly changing myself for the better and I hope he follows my examply and does the same  I won't have him back unless he's accepted what was wrong with our marriage in the first place  Me included, I can't let him take all the blame, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well H stopped by after work and the first thing out his mouth was D**n baby you looked good today ...well I'll be darn haven't gotten a hearty compliment like that one in a loonnnggg while. Thing is i've worn what I had on today a time or two before. I didn't take this as a physical compliment. ..i really didn't. I took this as a compliment to the subtle changes i've made in my outlook and disposition and reaction to him in just a day or so. He I think he was able to see outwardly. ..my inner change. Just thought i'd share. He still won't get hanky panky tonight though. Tron before you break out the 2x4 . I'm not rejecting him, I'm letting whatever it is he saw marinate . He needs to let whatever that is that forced those words from his mouth sink in. It's been over 9 hrs since he saw me. So that means to me it's been on his mind today. I'll. Initiate touch (hits primary love language ) maybe a massage . I don't want to cloud what he saw with sex.. I can gauge his reaction to see if I should go ahead and give in. But if I can help it im not going to. I need him to sleep on this one. Tomorrow is my interview in the city I'm wanting to relocate to. Wish me luck !


Good luck


----------



## lostwithouthim

ok my update for the day! Back on the emotional roller coaster! H came round very early this morning about 7.30. No idea why, he said he wanted to go to the dentist early but didn't have to be there until 9am! I was still in my pjs and dressing gown, real sexy I look - NOT! lol.
Anyway I was rushing around like I do in the morning, but I did manage to make him a coffee. I really didn't have time to sit down for a chat, but because his tooth was hurting he wasn't very talkative anyway! WTF!!! I can't understand why he came round that early! 
I mentioned that I wasn't going to claim child maintenance from him and he said that was a horrible thing to say. Huh??? What did he want me to say? oh yes I'm going to sc**w you for everything you've got, lol. Talk about mixed messages!! I thought he's be pleased I wasn't going to claim child maintenance.
He left before me and said have a nice day at college. I left him some money to do some shopping for me, which he's got but forgot to give me the change, lol. Like someone said on here, he's acting like we're a family and he's never left!
I've asked him over on Saturday, we're getting a take out pizza and watching a movie. They've got a deal on where if you buy one, you get another for a £1! He says he doesn't know what he's doing on Saturday, so I'm leaving the ball in his court now.
Couldn't come on this morning because he was here and I'm off out now. Speak to you all later


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What did you take out of Zillard's thread that you think you can implement yourself?


I got a lot out of it. Most importantly that you determine how people treat you by your actions and reactions. I mean after all Zillard was dealing with. It gives me even more motivation that it can be done. I see that co decency stuff is like a drug. You have to make a conscious effort to make that change. I just thank God that I didn't have to go through all of that to get a realization of what we have going on. Now I see that a lot of the relationships now not my marriage. ..but meaning all this stuff I do for folks a lot of the time they were using me. Well really I was allowing myself to be used sub conciously seeking love and acceptance. Cause in most cases its family.not really even friends. Family is my weakness with that.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Well today was kinda a repeat last night. I came from picking up our son and he said you look good baby ( them dang heels I tell ya ...lol ) there were lots of appreciation words like please and thank you , or no dont worry about I'll get it, and sit down I'll take care of that. Dont know where this is headed ,but no we had nice civil conversation and he cooked me lunch. Now he's off to work again. Im just staying focused on me and healing me right now. Though it does feel good. I dont want what feels good, i want to do what it takes to work. Either in this marriage or the next one if this is truly something he's done with. Only time will tell for us. I can't control his portion of the outcome. As for me though, still excited and looking forward to more opportunity to use what im learning. Now let's see what the evening brings.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> ok my update for the day! Back on the emotional roller coaster! H came round very early this morning about 7.30. No idea why, he said he wanted to go to the dentist early but didn't have to be there until 9am! I was still in my pjs and dressing gown, real sexy I look - NOT! lol.
> Anyway I was rushing around like I do in the morning, but I did manage to make him a coffee. I really didn't have time to sit down for a chat, but because his tooth was hurting he wasn't very talkative anyway! WTF!!! I can't understand why he came round that early!
> I mentioned that I wasn't going to claim child maintenance from him and he said that was a horrible thing to say. Huh??? What did he want me to say? oh yes I'm going to sc**w you for everything you've got, lol. Talk about mixed messages!! I thought he's be pleased I wasn't going to claim child maintenance.
> He left before me and said have a nice day at college. I left him some money to do some shopping for me, which he's got but forgot to give me the change, lol. Like someone said on here, he's acting like we're a family and he's never left!
> I've asked him over on Saturday, we're getting a take out pizza and watching a movie. They've got a deal on where if you buy one, you get another for a £1! He says he doesn't know what he's doing on Saturday, so I'm leaving the ball in his court now.
> Couldn't come on this morning because he was here and I'm off out now. Speak to you all later


Yeah I would back all the way off from him a bit. But that's just me. He gotta know he can't keep on like this. It gets old real fast. You doing all you can to help him out. No sense in him acting like that. He should be real greatful for someone like you. I know he's in pain with his tooth, but thats no fault of yours.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yeah I would back all the way off from him a bit. But that's just me. He gotta know he can't keep on like this. It gets old real fast. You doing all you can to help him out. No sense in him acting like that. He should be real greatful for someone like you. I know he's in pain with his tooth, but thats no fault of yours.


Well at the moment I've no real reason to speak to him, so he can contact me first  He's being a right misery with his tooth and like you said it's no fault of mine! I know what you mean by getting old real fast, I'm getting tired of all this :sleeping:
One minute he's not answering my texts and the next he's coming round at 7.30 in the morning! Mind you that's typical of him, he's always wanted to have a conversation with me when I'm rushing around getting ready to go out!
Whilst there's no communication for a couple of days, I can work on myself  Charity shops are really good for picking up self help books and really cheap as well! I got one today about making more time for yourself. It's more like a life coaching book, but I figured hey! I know it wasn't on my book list, but any positive book is worth reading


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Well at the moment I've no real reason to speak to him, so he can contact me first



Today has been an extremely long day. Surprised I am even able to get on the computer now. My daughter has been coming down sick with a sinus problem and last night it finally took hold of her. I gave her some medicine last night and she went to sleep at 6pm. She woke up today after 18 hours of sleep. I did manage to get her up once trying to get her to school, but she laid on the end of the bed and went back to sleep. Between all of the stress that is going on and the colds / flu going around her school she is just miserable. She was supposed to see her dad today and he was supposed to take her to see her counselor, but she isn't going to see either of them. 

I am really frustrated with our insurance company. They have been bouncing my daughter from counselor to counselor. Now we find one on our own that is AWESOME and my daughter loves going to her. The insurance company was supposed to approve her so we wouldn't have to bounce around any more. I got the call today where they said no. Dang it! Now it's back to square one. 

In reference to not having anything to speak to the husband about, I don't have any reason to contact my husband either. He called me earlier to ask about our daughter and then said the date for the amusement park is changed to Sunday. He has to work on Saturday and so does FIL. I had some other things to tell him about and he says to me...I don't mean to be a jerk but I gotta go. So, I just let it go and I said talk to you later. I tell you if he gave even 1/4 of what he puts into his work into our marriage we would have one of those marriages people talk about all the time. Sigh....guess instead of short skirts and heels I should attach a monitor to my chest and a keyboard to my waist. Sigh....it's been a downer day.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Today has been an extremely long day. Surprised I am even able to get on the computer now. My daughter has been coming down sick with a sinus problem and last night it finally took hold of her. I gave her some medicine last night and she went to sleep at 6pm. She woke up today after 18 hours of sleep. I did manage to get her up once trying to get her to school, but she laid on the end of the bed and went back to sleep. Between all of the stress that is going on and the colds / flu going around her school she is just miserable. She was supposed to see her dad today and he was supposed to take her to see her counselor, but she isn't going to see either of them.
> 
> I am really frustrated with our insurance company. They have been bouncing my daughter from counselor to counselor. Now we find one on our own that is AWESOME and my daughter loves going to her. The insurance company was supposed to approve her so we wouldn't have to bounce around any more. I got the call today where they said no. Dang it! Now it's back to square one.
> 
> In reference to not having anything to speak to the husband about, I don't have any reason to contact my husband either. He called me earlier to ask about our daughter and then said the date for the amusement park is changed to Sunday. He has to work on Saturday and so does FIL. I had some other things to tell him about and he says to me...I don't mean to be a jerk but I gotta go. So, I just let it go and I said talk to you later. I tell you if he gave even 1/4 of what he puts into his work into our marriage we would have one of those marriages people talk about all the time. Sigh....guess instead of short skirts and heels I should attach a monitor to my chest and a keyboard to my waist. Sigh....it's been a downer day.


Awww nemo what a bummer  Is your daughter going to be well enough to go to the amusement park at the weekend?
It's bad enough that your daughter has to go to counselling without being rejected for it  Do you have to go through your insurance company to get counselling? I'm not really in touch with the US system, so can't really comment on this. I found a counsellor through our local Church, it's supposed to cost money, but if you can't afford it then you can still get counselling  Maybe have a word with your vicar and see if she knows of anywhere 
Tomorrow will be better  If your daughter is still ill, have a movie day  Rent a DVD, get some popcorn and have some quality time with your daughter  I look forward to my saturday nights with my son when we have pizza and watch TV together  It's become a routine with us  
Let's see who cracks first and gets in touch with their spouse. I bet it's me! lol. There's always something I want him for!


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Let's see who cracks first and gets in touch with their spouse. I bet it's me! lol. There's always something I want him for!


Actually it will probably be me because I am supposed to send my husband some photos that my daughter and I took of her yesterday. Will it count if I ask her to hit the send button? :smthumbup:

We don't have to use the insurance but if we don't we would be paying out a lot of money for it. Under normal conditions it wouldn't be a problem, but because we have two households to pay for it's taking everything we make. In fact, Monday night my husband informed me that he was out of money and he was going to be using the savings to pay for things. He asked me to try and be careful with money etc so that I could help him out. It's a good thing he asked me on Monday before I heard what he said about me on the way home Monday night or he may have received a mouth full. Grr!

Remember the line of B.S. he told me about getting a better part time job than I have now -- anything so I could have spending money all to my own? Notice I said it was B.S.? Friday night my daughter over heard him tell my FIL that I was incompetent and that I needed to get a job to help pay to feed my daughter better. My daughter didn't know what incompetent meant so she asked me about it on the way home from dinner. She said he had been up for two days and he was pissed because he found out that I had applied for some assistance with food. I didn't get accepted for help because they said he makes tooo much money and they don't care how much money he is putting out on two households. They said they are not going to pick up his bill just because he chooses to live some place other than the family home. I am not sure why he was mad. It was either because he thinks I am incompetent or he was mad because I hadn't gone to him for help. Not sure which. He has always said things to me about getting a better paying job, but every time I have a better paying job I have lost it because he was never there to help me with our daughter. The other day he told me to trust him to help me. That's not going to be easy with his proven track record. Sigh...

It's a good thing I am getting good at biting my tongue.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Maybe have a word with your vicar and see if she knows of anywhere
> Tomorrow will be better  If your daughter is still ill, have a movie day


I will have to ask to see about someone from the church helping my daughter. We will be having lot of movie nights soon, but first she will have to force herself to go to school because tomorrow is the last day of school for her. There is a carnival on Friday, but she won't attend that. They play with a lot of water and run around all over the school. I don't think she is going to be in shape for doing any of that. We shall have to see. I am glad my husband pushed everything til Sunday. That will give her another day to feel better. 

Actually, I am sort of the cause of it being pushed to Sunday. My husband listened to me for once.  He has to work on the weekend for the state as part of his punishment for hitting me. He only has so many weekends to get it all completed. If he fails he goes back to jail. Saturday he can work 8 hours..Sunday 4. So, I was asking him to work Saturday since it was more hours and that would put him closer to completing the hours. 

Does either of your husband have key to your house still or do they ring doorbell and you let them in? Just curious. My husband still has a key and I haven't changed the locks. Although that is what I was advised to do. I figure why bother if he won't even come within blocks of the place. And legally this is where his home is so I can't block him from coming here without going to court and putting a stop to it. I just got out of that situation. Not going there again any time soon. I kinda like my husband some days.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Actually it will probably be me because I am supposed to send my husband some photos that my daughter and I took of her yesterday. Will it count if I ask her to hit the send button? :smthumbup:
> 
> We don't have to use the insurance but if we don't we would be paying out a lot of money for it. Under normal conditions it wouldn't be a problem, but because we have two households to pay for it's taking everything we make. In fact, Monday night my husband informed me that he was out of money and he was going to be using the savings to pay for things. He asked me to try and be careful with money etc so that I could help him out. It's a good thing he asked me on Monday before I heard what he said about me on the way home Monday night or he may have received a mouth full. Grr!
> 
> Remember the line of B.S. he told me about getting a better part time job than I have now -- anything so I could have spending money all to my own? Notice I said it was B.S.? Friday night my daughter over heard him tell my FIL that I was incompetent and that I needed to get a job to help pay to feed my daughter better. My daughter didn't know what incompetent meant so she asked me about it on the way home from dinner. She said he had been up for two days and he was pissed because he found out that I had applied for some assistance with food. I didn't get accepted for help because they said he makes tooo much money and they don't care how much money he is putting out on two households. They said they are not going to pick up his bill just because he chooses to live some place other than the family home. I am not sure why he was mad. It was either because he thinks I am incompetent or he was mad because I hadn't gone to him for help. Not sure which. He has always said things to me about getting a better paying job, but every time I have a better paying job I have lost it because he was never there to help me with our daughter. The other day he told me to trust him to help me. That's not going to be easy with his proven track record. Sigh...
> 
> It's a good thing I am getting good at biting my tongue.


Can't your Church help? Have a word and see what they can do about getting you support  They might be able to find a free counsellor! 
Money seems to always be an issue with these men! I think it's like Catch says, he's telling his dad what his dad wants to hear! Take no notice of what he says to his dad, it could be all BS to try and keep in his dad's good books!
He sounds confused, but I think I've mentioned that before. They are all the same, they tug at your heart strings! 
Maybe you need to have separate accounts for the time being, until there's a chance of R. That way you may apply for more money from the state. At least that how it works over here  When you are separated over here, you get your own benefits. 
You need to get advice from an advice centre as regards to your finances. You may be surprised at what you can get! they may also be able to put you in touch with a counsellor that's cheap or free. Over here we can get a free one through our doctor, but you have to wait a while! 
Hmm this is a tricky one, where's Tron when you need him! I'm sorry I can't help more, but as I don't know the system in the US it's hard for me. Is it still the case that you have to pay for health services? I remember hearing that you have no national health service over there and all the doctors are private. I also know that Obama was supposed to be sorting something out! Correct me if I'm wrong!


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Like someone said on here, he's acting like we're a family and he's never left!


Reading a few of your recent posts, I think I am on to something, but I am not sure. I am going to talk with my counselor about this tomorrow. 

You know how I tell you guys that my husband says he won't come home because he is afraid of getting into trouble again? Well, what if the real reason is because he wants to distance himself away from the house so that it becomes just a memory for him. Then when he is ready it won't hurt so much to come and pick up his belonging and be gone for good? Maybe if he even drops off our daughter in front of the house it will make him miss home. Maybe he doesn't want to miss home? Maybe that is why he doesn't want me to bring him things from home for his apartment? If he has things to remind him it will make it harder to stay away. Maybe its just another thing he's feeding me B.S. about. :scratchhead:


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Reading a few of your recent posts, I think I am on to something, but I am not sure. I am going to talk with my counselor about this tomorrow.
> 
> You know how I tell you guys that my husband says he won't come home because he is afraid of getting into trouble again? Well, what if the real reason is because he wants to distance himself away from the house so that it becomes just a memory for him. Then when he is ready it won't hurt so much to come and pick up his belonging and be gone for good? Maybe if he even drops off our daughter in front of the house it will make him miss home. Maybe he doesn't want to miss home? Maybe that is why he doesn't want me to bring him things from home for his apartment? If he has things to remind him it will make it harder to stay away. Maybe its just another thing he's feeding me B.S. about. :scratchhead:


I wouldn't try and over analyse what he is thinking, it will do your head in! lol. I read somewhere that men just say what they mean and don't have any hidden agendas.
What confuses me about your H is that he says he doesn't want to come home in case he gets in trouble again, but by the sounds of it he still loves you and wants to be with you.
Like I said take no notice of what he says to his Dad! His Dad seems to want to poison his mind and the best thing that your H can do is distance himself from his dad. I know that this won't happen, but as long as his dad is poisoning him with his words then your H will carry on being confused!
Pray for your H, leave everything up to God and let God sort your H out. I would also pray for your FIL as well, don't try and fix the problems yourself! That's what I did when I last spoke to my MIL, I got off the phone and that night I prayed for her! I've still not spoken to her, but if she wants to get in touch with me then I'll be friendly with her!
I always try and solve things on my own instead of leaving it to God! I'm sure he'll forgive us for this, after all we are only human


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Does either of your husband have key to your house still or do they ring doorbell and you let them in? Just curious. My husband still has a key and I haven't changed the locks. Although that is what I was advised to do. I figure why bother if he won't even come within blocks of the place. And legally this is where his home is so I can't block him from coming here without going to court and putting a stop to it. I just got out of that situation. Not going there again any time soon. I kinda like my husband some days.


Yes my H still has a key and lets himself in and out. Sometimes it annoys me because he's taken stuff from the house before without checking on me first. Other times it's good because of looking after my son whilst I'm at college.
This morning though he did have to knock as I'd left the key in the door and he couldn't get in. I'm not supposed to change the locks as it's against the law. My H owns half the house and so really he can come and go as he pleases.
The way I look at it, it can only be a good thing as he may see changes I've done with the house and maybe one day he might miss being at home!


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> When you are separated over here, you get your own benefits.



They told me that they would help me if I did one of two things...one file for separation or file for child support. Otherwise it's as if we all live as one big happy family. I went to my husband before and told him this. He said we would work it out together so I never asked for help. But, then I got freaked out last week when I found out about the apartment. I needed to know what support I had just in case I really needed it. I admit I am having problems trusting him. 

I told him months ago that I was going to go through this one way or another...either as a family or on our own. So far it seems he wants to do it as a family, but then his actions and words often say he wants to do it alone. 

FIL and my husband have a bad attitudes toward women and money because of what my ex-mother in law did to my FIL. I am not her so I don't appreciate that they act and treat me like her. I don't get credit for being the only person that ever takes care of our lawn and flower beds and my husband has never had to worry about cleaning house, laundry or anything like that. In fact, that is why it was so easy for him to stay at work and carry on with the coworker. He told me he was working and I believed he was working hard for us because that is what I was doing at home. 

Stupid ex-mother in law and stupid work!!


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> They told me that they would help me if I did one of two things...one file for separation or file for child support. Otherwise it's as if we all live as one big happy family. I went to my husband before and told him this. He said we would work it out together so I never asked for help. But, then I got freaked out last week when I found out about the apartment. I needed to know what support I had just in case I really needed it. I admit I am having problems trusting him.
> 
> I told him months ago that I was going to go through this one way or another...either as a family or on our own. So far it seems he wants to do it as a family, but then his actions and words often say he wants to do it alone.
> 
> FIL and my husband have a bad attitudes toward women and money because of what my ex-mother in law did to my FIL. I am not her so I don't appreciate that they act and treat me like her. I don't get credit for being the only person that ever takes care of our lawn and flower beds and my husband has never had to worry about cleaning house, laundry or anything like that. In fact, that is why it was so easy for him to stay at work and carry on with the coworker. He told me he was working and I believed he was working hard for us because that is what I was doing at home.
> 
> Stupid ex-mother in law and stupid work!!


awwww keep your chin up and keep fighting for what you have! I'll talk more tomorrow, I've got to go to bed now or I'll never get up in the morning! It's nearly 1am here! Night night 
BTW, I've passed all my theory exams  No more theory now only practical, woohoo!


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Woohoo!


Yep. Today is one of those days where my head is getting the better of me. I have some books to read so I think I will go find one to lose my mind in. 

So glad you passed your exams. I am a certified teacher's assistant and some of the classes I had to take drove me crazy.
One class I took was about handling children who were learning English. That was hard because they would put in phrases in different languages just to throw you off. It was meant to give you the experience of how the child would feel if they were reading the lesson. 

Have a good night. It's only 6pm here so it will be awhile before I can head off to bed. My daughter just made her something to eat and boy is my mouth watering. Let me see if I get this right...it's dinner so I am about to have tea? :smthumbup:


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I can make it off little or nothing.



Yes you can. There is something that they taught me at one of my support groups and that is that people get the notion in their head that they need someone...that is a big difference from wanting someone. Needing someone means you have no choice; like breathing in air. But, wanting someone let's you have control and a choice of taking it or leaving it. I believe you "want" your husband and don't "need" him. Just like me and Lost.


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## catch22gofigure

Hi everyone, Just checking in. Ive been sleep just about all day. Its been a rainy day here and I guess it got the best of me and made me catch up on some must needed rest. Lost good job on those theory exams ! Nemo, hang in there hun. I hope you D gets well soon. Have you tried the Netti Pot with those sinuses? It worked wonders for me and my kids before when we all had a bout with them. Also a lot of times sinus trouble really turns out to be allergy issues this time of year. Claritin or Zyrtec works great on allergies for my babies. I'll probably surf around here a little. Talk to you all soon.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi everyone, Just checking in. Ive been sleep just about all day. Its been a rainy day here and I guess it got the best of me and made me catch up on some must needed rest. Lost good job on those theory exams ! Nemo, hang in there hun. I hope you D gets well soon. Have you tried the Netti Pot with those sinuses? It worked wonders for me and my kids before when we all had a bout with them. Also a lot of times sinus trouble really turns out to be allergy issues this time of year. Claritin or Zyrtec works great on allergies for my babies. I'll probably surf around here a little. Talk to you all soon.



I love the rain. There is nothing better than laying in bed and listening to the rain. I do have a medi pot. I'll have her use it tonight before she goes to bed. We are going to hold off on giving her any more medicine for a little while. Up until about 3 months ago she never had any problems taking medicine. Now she is having all kinds of problems. She is even having problems with being dizzy and nauseous around girl time. Poor thing. I love her to pieces and feel so bad for her. 

Seeing anything interesting tonight?


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Yes you can. There is something that they taught me at one of my support groups and that is that people get the notion in their head that they need someone...that is a big difference from wanting someone. Needing someone means you have no choice; like breathing in air. But, wanting someone let's you have control and a choice of taking it or leaving it. I believe you "want" your husband and don't "need" him. Just like me and Lost.


Exactly, actually this is one of our issues too. He says he loves that im so strong. Everyone calls me strong. But he says that I'm too independent and that i don't allow him to be a man. I never ask for anything if I can't do something myself i struggle with it until I can. Never letting him in on it. He says that I act as if im the husband and wife. Guess that's where the whole issue of men needing to feel needed comes into play. Even with no job now, I make things happen. Just wired that way I guess. Childhood and stuff comes into play as well. I actually don't know how to ask people for stuff. I'm gonna have to learn how to do that soon. Even though he pays the bills, he knows how to access the info to do so. I don't adk him for it. When I do have to ask forv anything from anyone. I dang near have a panic attack. It takes me days to work up the nerve and find the words to do it. Then feel so awful until I repay them or do something for them to offer my appreciation. I can tell you off hand anything that anybody ever did for me by my request. Because it bothers me just that bad. When we're having financial issues and im stressed he would say, why are you so upset? You act as if you don't have a husband to depend on. I mean he would yell this even. That word depend, is like a curse word to me. The worst thing someone can ask me to do is to depend on them. Crazy i know...but im gonna work on that part of me too soon.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I love the rain. There is nothing better than laying in bed and listening to the rain. I do have a medi pot. I'll have her use it tonight before she goes to bed. We are going to hold off on giving her any more medicine for a little while. Up until about 3 months ago she never had any problems taking medicine. Now she is having all kinds of problems. She is even having problems with being dizzy and nauseous around girl time. Poor thing. I love her to pieces and feel so bad for her.
> 
> Seeing anything interesting tonight?


Yeah both my girls had that issue at girl time. I even get nauseous my first day of that time. Just one lil bout with it and I know the time is coming within 24hrs. Neither one of my d's will take pills either. Has to be in liquid form or intravenously. Even if they get it down, back it comes. A learned behavior passed from one to the other. A matter i really haven't addressed in either of them though. I look at it this way...at least I know whose girls won't be strung out of Rx pills. Heck they won't/ can't swallow them. The pharmacy has so many unfilled Rx's for the both of them from where the Rx was wrote for pill form and had to be rewrote to accommodatee


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## catch22gofigure

Sorry you all for so many typos. I am having to use my phone these days and auto correct takes on a mind of its on sometimes.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Sorry you all for so many typos. I am having to use my phone these days and auto correct takes on a mind of its on sometimes.




There are days I can promise you that a gremlin lives in my phone and is always jacking it up. Monday I had problems and my husband fixed. He calls me today and is upset because he could't get through. Its only the incoming calls that it is having problems with. Its intermittent too. I couldn't even call it using my house phone sitting right here beside it. My husband taught me how to dump it and make it go back to scratch, but I need to write down all of my contacts, etc because it is going to go bye bye.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> . The worst thing someone can ask me to do is to depend on them. Crazy i know...but im gonna work on that part of me too soon.


I hear you. I don't have anyone else to rely on so I only have me. If I say that to my husband he tells me he doesn't have anyone either. I have to bite my tongue because I know that if it came down to it he would be all over that girl he works with. Although, I don't know any more because her boyfriend knows about what happened between the two of them. There are other people at his work that he talks to as well. I have always been there even though he thinks different. And he has his dad and the dad's girlfriend to talk to. He has an aunt that talks to him, too but she is rather upset with him about what happened and she is having hip surgery problems so it's probably a good thing he can't talk to her right now. And just like with everything about my husband he is confusing. If I ask for help...he wants me to get a better job. If I don't ask for help..he says I don't care about him. WTH? I can't win for losing sometimes.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Have a good night. It's only 6pm here so it will be awhile before I can head off to bed. My daughter just made her something to eat and boy is my mouth watering. Let me see if I get this right...it's dinner so I am about to have tea? :smthumbup:


Yes that's right lol :smthumbup:


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Yes you can.  There is something that they taught me at one of my support groups and that is that people get the notion in their head that they need someone...that is a big difference from wanting someone. Needing someone means you have no choice; like breathing in air. But, wanting someone let's you have control and a choice of taking it or leaving it. I believe you "want" your husband and don't "need" him. Just like me and Lost.


I heard that before Nemo about wanting and needing and you are so right  It took me a while to stop saying I need him, but I've got there


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Exactly, actually this is one of our issues too. He says he loves that im so strong. Everyone calls me strong. But he says that I'm too independent and that i don't allow him to be a man. I never ask for anything if I can't do something myself i struggle with it until I can. Never letting him in on it. He says that I act as if im the husband and wife. Guess that's where the whole issue of men needing to feel needed comes into play. Even with no job now, I make things happen. Just wired that way I guess. Childhood and stuff comes into play as well. I actually don't know how to ask people for stuff. I'm gonna have to learn how to do that soon. Even though he pays the bills, he knows how to access the info to do so. I don't adk him for it. When I do have to ask forv anything from anyone. I dang near have a panic attack. It takes me days to work up the nerve and find the words to do it. Then feel so awful until I repay them or do something for them to offer my appreciation. I can tell you off hand anything that anybody ever did for me by my request. Because it bothers me just that bad. When we're having financial issues and im stressed he would say, why are you so upset? You act as if you don't have a husband to depend on. I mean he would yell this even. That word depend, is like a curse word to me. The worst thing someone can ask me to do is to depend on them. Crazy i know...but im gonna work on that part of me too soon.


I agree, men need to feel like they are needed! Not needed as in being very needy, but they like to get their hands dirty with jobs that need doing around the house. My H was so distant with me earlier this week that when the shredder broke then he said for me to change the fuse! I thought that's odd, normally he'll say I'll have a look at it when I'm over next. Anyway, I did change the fuse and it still didn't work so H had to fix it after all, lol.
Thanks for the congratulations guys, much appreciated 
I'm like you Catch, I'm too independent and it could be one of the things that drove my H away. I'm not saying it's the main thing, but one of those little things that irritate! 
He still wouldn't do all those little jobs that I asked him to do though, well he'll get round to doing them eventually  Like cutting the grass, he'd leave it so long that I ended up doing it.
It was very quiet on here when I got up. Normally I have about 2 pages to look through when I get up!
I'm off to college now guys, have a great day and speak soon


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree, men need to feel like they are needed! Not needed as in being very needy, but they like to get their hands dirty with jobs that need doing around the house. My H was so distant with me earlier this week that when the shredder broke then he said for me to change the fuse! I thought that's odd, normally he'll say I'll have a look at it when I'm over next. Anyway, I did change the fuse and it still didn't work so H had to fix it after all, lol.
> Thanks for the congratulations guys, much appreciated
> I'm like you Catch, I'm too independent and it could be one of the things that drove my H away. I'm not saying it's the main thing, but one of those little things that irritate!
> He still wouldn't do all those little jobs that I asked him to do though, well he'll get round to doing them eventually  Like cutting the grass, he'd leave it so long that I ended up doing it.
> It was very quiet on here when I got up. Normally I have about 2 pages to look through when I get up!
> I'm off to college now guys, have a great day and speak soon


Well he would handle most of the household stuff. I guess he talking more financially. I just have this awful thing about asking people for anything financially. It just bugs the mess out of me. Now he will take his sweet time with the household stuff . I guess because he work so much..idk. so yep being too independent has its issues too. Have a great day at school !


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Let's see who cracks first and gets in touch with their spouse. I bet it's me! lol. There's always something I want him for!




I think you win Lost. I guess you could say I sort of messed up and contacted my husband, but it was for a very good reason. My husband has an aunt who is having hip replacement surgery on the 31st. No one knows what hospital or anything. We have been instructed not to ask and if we do know do not show up there. She will be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days. All questions and concerns are supposed to be filtered by her son. She put a no conetact in place at the hospital already. My husband was working last night so I didn't get to tell him. I asked if he had a second so I could give him information from his aunt and her surgery. He said give him a few minutes because he was getting ready to turn off some equipment and reprogram it. Something must have happened or he forgot and went to sleep. This is typical behavior for him. I didn't contact him back. If he wants to know what is going on he can call her or ask me. I am not going to volunteer the information any more. 

She is mad at him any way over what happened between us and because I had made arrangements for him to stay with her when he was told he couldnt come home at first. His dad was given the message from the aunt. This is where he went before so I knew he would be okay with her. I don't know what happened but my husband never bothered to tell her he wasn't coming there. She had made room for him, but he went some place else. He didn't contact her for two months. He finally went to her house because she had our tax documents from his mail that was being delivered to her house. This made her mad because she moved furniture for him with her bad hip and all. I hope I handled this okay and this was an appropriate time to contact him? I find it interesting that my husband has really buried himself into working even more than when he was home. 

Okay. I off to wake the kiddo for school....maybe. I'll let you know in a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

I am speechless...cant wait until I get to where I can update...stay tuned you guyd I have many questions coming


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I think you win Lost. I guess you could say I sort of messed up and contacted my husband, but it was for a very good reason. My husband has an aunt who is having hip replacement surgery on the 31st. No one knows what hospital or anything. We have been instructed not to ask and if we do know do not show up there. She will be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days. All questions and concerns are supposed to be filtered by her son. She put a no conetact in place at the hospital already. My husband was working last night so I didn't get to tell him. I asked if he had a second so I could give him information from his aunt and her surgery. He said give him a few minutes because he was getting ready to turn off some equipment and reprogram it. Something must have happened or he forgot and went to sleep. This is typical behavior for him. I didn't contact him back. If he wants to know what is going on he can call her or ask me. I am not going to volunteer the information any more.
> 
> She is mad at him any way over what happened between us and because I had made arrangements for him to stay with her when he was told he couldnt come home at first. His dad was given the message from the aunt. This is where he went before so I knew he would be okay with her. I don't know what happened but my husband never bothered to tell her he wasn't coming there. She had made room for him, but he went some place else. He didn't contact her for two months. He finally went to her house because she had our tax documents from his mail that was being delivered to her house. This made her mad because she moved furniture for him with her bad hip and all. I hope I handled this okay and this was an appropriate time to contact him? I find it interesting that my husband has really buried himself into working even more than when he was home.
> 
> Okay. I off to wake the kiddo for school....maybe. I'll let you know in a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My H is working more since he left, but I think it's because he's got more time on his hands and he needs the money more. 
I think in your case you did well Nemo by just phoning him up with that information and not phoning him back when he doesn't phone you back. That's what I do, I'll phone him or text him and when he doesn't reply I just leave it! It really bugs the heck out of me though when he doesn't reply!
I know it sounds harsh but you need to distance yourself from his family or you'll end up being hurt like I was with my MIL. My MIL wanted us to get back together, but I don't think she does now! Obviously your kids will still need contact with his family, but let him do the ringing around when your kids are around at your Husband's place. I know my son spoke to his nan on skype when he was last round at his dad's.
Is your daughter better now?


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I am speechless...cant wait until I get to where I can update...stay tuned you guyd I have many questions coming


That's a cliff-hanger.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I am speechless...cant wait until I get to where I can update...stay tuned you guyd I have many questions coming


Sounds intriguing, can't wait to hear all about it


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Is your daughter better now?


Some what. I didn't think she would sleep well last night since she slept so much yesterday, but she did. She called me from school a bit ago to ask me to make sure the bring her inhaler when I pick her up from school. I have a counseling appointment this afternoon so I guess she wanted to make sure I don't forget that she might need it. 

My daughter is going to have an interesting afternoon. One of her teacher's knows she has had a difficult year, so this afternoon her class is going to give her a surprise party. She is going to flip out. What a great way for the school year to end.


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## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> That's a cliff-hanger.


Yes....I am sitting here on the edge of the keyboard, too. I hope everything is okay. We are all here...ask your questions.




I just heard a funny thing I thought I would share with you guys. Perhaps cause you to chuckle a little. My neighbor was telling me something her husband was saying about working on the lawn this weekend. Only my neighbor didn't get what he meant. So, I asked him a question about my yard and he told me what he wanted his wife to do this weekend in their yard. He said I should come help her and her come help me. I think he is taking their sons to a ball game this weekend or something so he wanted her to take care of the lawn. So I tell her what her husband said to me and she says to me...That man knows a language I don't know...I don't speak "HINT." Silly man...


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> It really bugs the heck out of me though when he doesn't reply!




It actually drives my husband crazy if I go days without some kind of contact with him. He will say...What, you aren't speaking to me? When in fact, I just didn't have anything to say. It's so hard to say how much is too much or not enough contact. I finally get that I can't base whether he cares about me or not based on the amount of phone calls, etc because I KNOW he loves our daughter and he hardly ever calls or contacts her either when she is at home with me.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Some what. I didn't think she would sleep well last night since she slept so much yesterday, but she did. She called me from school a bit ago to ask me to make sure the bring her inhaler when I pick her up from school. I have a counseling appointment this afternoon so I guess she wanted to make sure I don't forget that she might need it.
> 
> My daughter is going to have an interesting afternoon. One of her teacher's knows she has had a difficult year, so this afternoon her class is going to give her a surprise party. She is going to flip out. What a great way for the school year to end.


That's really good  Hope she enjoys it


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> It actually drives my husband crazy if I go days without some kind of contact with him. He will say...What, you aren't speaking to me? When in fact, I just didn't have anything to say. It's so hard to say how much is too much or not enough contact. I finally get that I can't base whether he cares about me or not based on the amount of phone calls, etc because I KNOW he loves our daughter and he hardly ever calls or contacts her either when she is at home with me.


I agree :iagree: It's hard to know when the contact is too much or not enough. If he asks you why you didn't call, do you say to him I've got nothing to say or do you just think it? I would actually tell him or say well you can always phone me you know!
It's true what you say about your daughter and her dad. My son rarely speaks to his dad, except when he wants something lol  Sometimes he'll say when's dad coming round and I'll say why don't you text him and find out - so he does!


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## lostwithouthim

Catch, when r u coming on again? We're all on tenterhooks here, lol


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## Christina909

Hi everyone now I understand this thread more me and my h made up after day 52 but he still had not come home and I was confused but I had patience and a week later he finally came home. Now I want to share some insight of what he told me this is the mind of the one that leaves..
Ok he said when he left he didn't actually know what the problem was he didn't know if it was him or me all he new was there was differences that needed to be worked on. 
Me giving him his space did help also I was still helping him financially when he needed it I just lent him 40$ he said he was so broke and it helped a lot his friend told him work it out with your wife she loves you. 
Also the prayers worked he went to church and the pastor told him everything I have been telling him but the difference was he listened to a stranger, and at his job his friend told him you have to work it out and don't give up. He also said how his living situation was so bad the bed had unwashed sheets the room was cluttered and dusty and he seen Roaches in the kitchen. 

The crazy thing is when he left the argument was he wanted a new truck and when I disagreed it made him mad sounds spoiled. After all this I caved and said get a truck then but now he decided we can't afford one and he is appreciating what we already have plus all his friends have said what I have been saying which is keep the car because he already has a nice car.

52 days of battle and lessons learned he came back on his own and his heart has softened 

Don't give up pray every night this is the prayer I prayed for my husband. 

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. (Ezekiel 36:26 NLT)

Lastly I still am working on our marriage and will continue to do so.


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## lostwithouthim

That's really good to hear Christina, it gives us all hope I'm sure  I don't feel so bad now for giving my H some money when he was really broke. I often wonder what H's friends are saying to him, but I have my suspicions that they corrupted my H in the first place! It all came to a head this year when my H started going out with these new friends that he'd met at the gym, once or twice a week and once he didn't come home at all! He will need to find inner strength to stop himself listening to poison if he ever does want to R.


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## lostwithouthim

I've just found this link and thought it might be worth a visit, especially for Nemo who finds it hard to let go of his things  Getting Over a Breakup


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## catch22gofigure

Ok so here's today's run down. Well the evening was ok. This morning I had to be in another city at about 5 a.m. The evening before I had to use the H vehicle. Now apparently last evening he didn't have to use his car because. ...well I'll tell ya. Back to me being gone early this a.m. So im im this other city when he wakes up. Im about an hour and a half away. He calls as usual just to say g morning or whatever. Im in the car with someone else , a relative, who just wanted me to ride with them for companionship. About 2 hrs later H calls back . He has to take our son somewhere. He asks, Do you have my keys still ? Please tell me you are not waay down there with my keys. I look in my purse and guess what ? i still have his keys. There is no spare...he is stuck at home with no way anywhere and will have to be to work later today. Im unsure what time I'll be getting back. I also have my keys, so that is not an option either. Ya'll when I tell you my heart sunk. Why ? 6 months ago this would mean that there is about to be a full on fall out about how careless I am, how irresponsible that was, he got stuff to do blah blah blah...screaming ,fussing, cursing match. I instantly started trying to see if there was someone wbo would allow us to pay them to bring him to get these keys. I even announced on a social site im on of any of my friends were in the area coming back our way soon. Nothing. I went asfar as telling him to call a locksmith and ill pay for it. . Anything to prevent what I know is about to go boom !. After about another hour with no solution in site. This man texts me and says its ok. Everyone makes mistakes. I just about flipped out of my seat. This may not be much to some, but I know full well what this could have been. Tripped me out ! Never in about 6yrs. Has he been so easy to deal with on a situation like this. Thank God I made it back to town about 30 min time for him to leave out to work. Gave him his keys apologized again and left. After I was gone for about 30 min he calls and said why did you leave so fast ? I wanted to chill with you for at least a lil minute. Shocker #2. Working to change me is really working in my interpersonal relationships I see. I am going to remain focused on me. Because who knows what his motives of calmness are. I dare not psych myself up for a let down. But just wanted to share this little piece of happiness I had today.


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## lostwithouthim

That's great Catch, I'm so pleased for you  I think when they start seeing you cool, calm and collected it rubs off on them. My H has yet to get to this stage! I went to see about getting some benefits today now that I'm on my own and when they asked when my H left I told them. Now I'm worried that my H might have to pay some money back to the state and he'll have a go at me! He so needs to let go of his anger problem before there's any chance of R. I know I seem to be saying that a lot lately don't I? lol. Put it this way, I'm changing and enjoying my life at the mo. No stress and no walking on egg shells. He doesn't realise he's doing this and I've realised how much he did do it! Same as you Catch, you expected a full blow out and instead you got a calm collected H. That must've been a huuuuge shocker! lol


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## catch22gofigure

Im gonna read all the other posts in a few..im at the gym getting it in !


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## Tron

Catch22 to H: "Thank you for being so understanding and so patient with me. I love the new you."

Then reward good behavior...have fun.


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## Christina909

Just want to say I did the no contact for the first 20 days but then when I read Ed wheats book he said separation could be bad and that's when I started calling my H I just called once a day and that's it but I became his friend and soon he started calling me but at first he did reject me but I kept showing him love so don't be discouraged I think it's good to keep in contact start over and fresh be his friend again.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That's great Catch, I'm so pleased for you  I think when they start seeing you cool, calm and collected it rubs off on them. My H has yet to get to this stage! I went to see about getting some benefits today now that I'm on my own and when they asked when my H left I told them. Now I'm worried that my H might have to pay some money back to the state and he'll have a go at me! He so needs to let go of his anger problem before there's any chance of R. I know I seem to be saying that a lot lately don't I? lol. Put it this way, I'm changing and enjoying my life at the mo. No stress and no walking on egg shells. He doesn't realise he's doing this and I've realised how much he did do it! Same as you Catch, you expected a full blow out and instead you got a calm collected H. That must've been a huuuuge shocker! lol


Yep it does seem to rub off on them, whichis good for all involved. Im getting even more excited to start IC to dig out all this mess that's been keeping me bound for years. Really the majority of my life. I know how it feels to have to walk on eggshells around people I don't want anyone to have to do that around me anymore. Where I live people know me. Well everybody just about. Some even scared to approach me because I've gained a kick a$$ ask questions later reputation with those I grew 
p with. I don't like that and its not who I view myself as. So I want to display outwardly who I know I am on the inside. So I have to learn not to react to everything without thought for later.
So I have to put out what I want back. If I dont get it I can't react on what somebody else will or won't do. I could have the whole time been sowing seeds for H to just what he was doing. Not taking full blame because he is. A grown man. But somebody gotta have some dang sense and im go make sure its me.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Some what. I didn't think she would sleep well last night since she slept so much yesterday, but she did. She called me from school a bit ago to ask me to make sure the bring her inhaler when I pick her up from school. I have a counseling appointment this afternoon so I guess she wanted to make sure I don't forget that she might need it.
> 
> My daughter is going to have an interesting afternoon. One of her teacher's knows she has had a difficult year, so this afternoon her class is going to give her a surprise party. She is going to flip out. What a great way for the school year to end.


Aww how sweet of her teacher ! I'm sure she its gonna have a blast. I hope she gets well soon. I hate when my babies are sick. I just want to take it all away


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch22 to H: "Thank you for being so understanding and so patient with me. I love the new you."
> 
> Then reward good behavior...have fun.


Thanks Tron for the tip ! I apologized and told him i'd do something to make it up later....lol he's a work so in gonna do thus one as a follow up. He won't see it until he goes on lunch. Hopefully it'll be a sweet surprise.


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## catch22gofigure

Christina909 said:


> Just want to say I did the no contact for the first 20 days but then when I read Ed wheats book he said separation could be bad and that's when I started calling my H I just called once a day and that's it but I became his friend and soon he started calling me but at first he did reject me but I kept showing him love so don't be discouraged I think it's good to keep in contact start over and fresh be his friend again.


Yep, you have to gauge what works for you all. Everything else is just guidelines. That's what I have to do. So you guys are at least talking again, that's a good thing.


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## catch22gofigure

Ok and about my questions.... Between when I wrote that post and now i've forgotten them. Theyll come back to me later I guess. My workout worked them right out of my mind I guess. ..lol


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I've just found this link and thought it might be worth a visit, especially for Nemo who finds it hard to let go of his things  Getting Over a Breakup



Oh sure...go ahead and confuse me now even more now. LOL. I went to my counselor today and I have home work this week. Before he asked me to write things down. Not I have to actually "do something". Some down right scary stuff. Going to try and connect with my husband by not doing anything on that list. We are working on a theory and hopefully by Monday I will have some actual data and facts. Then I can start tearing into that list piece by piece if the theory that I have is wrong. I can't tell you too much about whats going on at the moment because I haven't sorted it all out yet for myself. I can tell you that I am working on me the rest of this week before we go to the museum. And I will be ready for anything that comes my way. Lots of prayer and lots of work for me the reset of this week. I'll keep you posted as events unravel.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Aww how sweet of her teacher ! I'm sure she its gonna have a blast. I hope she gets well soon. I hate when my babies are sick. I just want to take it all away


I ended up being late to my counseling session because I didn't get her at school right away. I wanted her to be able to enjoy her party. Not only did they give her a party, two of her teacher's gave her birthday gifts. They are just perfect for her. She got a zebra striped watch, a necklace, and lots of cool bracelets. If I ever get to go back to belly dancing classes, I just might have to borrow her jewelry. :smthumbup:


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Yep it does seem to rub off on them, whichis good for all involved. Im getting even more excited to start IC to dig out all this mess that's been keeping me bound for years. Really the majority of my life. I know how it feels to have to walk on eggshells around people I don't want anyone to have to do that around me anymore. Where I live people know me. Well everybody just about. Some even scared to approach me because I've gained a kick a$$ ask questions later reputation with those I grew
> p with. I don't like that and its not who I view myself as. So I want to display outwardly who I know I am on the inside. So I have to learn not to react to everything without thought for later.
> So I have to put out what I want back. If I dont get it I can't react on what somebody else will or won't do. I could have the whole time been sowing seeds for H to just what he was doing. Not taking full blame because he is. A grown man. But somebody gotta have some dang sense and im go make sure its me.


This is really amazing stuff Catch. 

Looking inward to find those things that you really don't like about yourself and working to change them.

Not reacting. Staying calm. Inner peace.

Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Allowing others to take responsibility for their own stuff.

Not looking for people to blame for your problems.

It all adds up to being the best version of you that you can be.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok and about my questions.... Between when I wrote that post and now i've forgotten them. Theyll come back to me later I guess. My workout worked them right out of my mind I guess. ..lol



Good stuff is happening for you. You are allowed to be forgetful for now. :smthumbup:


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## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> This is really amazing stuff Catch.
> It all adds up to being the best version of you that you can be.




Today I am beginning my journey inward as well. My journey will be different, but as long as I am on my way. We are working on my reaction to people when they lie to me. I have been lied to so much over the past several years by friends, family, and my husband and I know that as time has gone by I have become a firecracker waiting to explode because I take it all personal.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> This is really amazing stuff Catch.
> 
> Looking inward to find those things that you really don't like about yourself and working to change them.
> 
> Not reacting. Staying calm. Inner peace.
> 
> Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
> 
> Allowing others to take responsibility for their own stuff.
> 
> Not looking for people to blame for your problems.
> 
> It all adds up to being the best version of you that you can be.


Thanks Tron. If all this happening in my life...separation and all had to happen in order for me to realize where my deficiencies are. Im grateful for these very trying times. Just like my great aunt told me. What dont kill ya will only make ya stronger...aye I woke up breathing yet another day. So taking back what I know is inside me is what im shooting for.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch22 to H: "Thank you for being so understanding and so patient with me. I love the new you."
> 
> Then reward good behavior...have fun.


Soooo break has come. He didn't mmention the text ( i know he got it though) I told you he cant do the mushy stuff for some reason. (I've been told it's a Virgo thing ) Anywho we had a good ha ha good time up spirited phone call. He was kinda down about finances on last break (the bills in that apt. Kickin dat azz ) but this break all worries were gone and I know it was because of that text I sent thanks to you Tron .
You rock !!:smthumbup:


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Today I am beginning my journey inward as well. My journey will be different, but as long as I am on my way. We are working on my reaction to people when they lie to me. I have been lied to so much over the past several years by friends, family, and my husband and I know that as time has gone by I have become a firecracker waiting to explode because I take it all personal.


Nemo go for it...you owe it to yourself. Baby steps...that's what I'm doing


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Oh sure...go ahead and confuse me now even more now. LOL. I went to my counselor today and I have home work this week. Before he asked me to write things down. Not I have to actually "do something". Some down right scary stuff. Going to try and connect with my husband by not doing anything on that list. We are working on a theory and hopefully by Monday I will have some actual data and facts. Then I can start tearing into that list piece by piece if the theory that I have is wrong. I can't tell you too much about whats going on at the moment because I haven't sorted it all out yet for myself. I can tell you that I am working on me the rest of this week before we go to the museum. And I will be ready for anything that comes my way. Lots of prayer and lots of work for me the reset of this week. I'll keep you posted as events unravel.


Sounds great to me. I look forward to hearing, well reading all about it. Thats all it takes. Its mind over matter. Don't start the rest of the week..start right now at this very moment. That's what i did. Tron caught me with a 2x4 and it got me thinking like wait im Catch (well not really but u know what I mean ) i help a million other folks do just what I need to do. I like a challenge so its high time I challenge myself.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Good stuff is happening for you. You are allowed to be forgetful for now. :smthumbup:


Lol, thanks Nemo.


----------



## NotEZ

Been a while... I've been reading but haven't had a lot of time to post. Busy week. So the last post I made, I said things were going good. He had an appointment with a specialist for personal "problem" he's had since he was a teenager. Now, its never been a problem to me nor has it hindered his family making business as we have two kids, but nonetheless. I know I'm not being discreet, but whatever. Anyways, as I said in my last post, I was back to the pulling away mode. He comes home and started talking to me about what the doc said, gave me all the options, discussing his feelings on each, etc. I had the conversation with him, told him exactly what I thought and so on. Later that night, I asked him why he was so comfortable talking to me about this personal stuff when we aren't together anymore. He told me that I'm the only person that he trusts and feels he can talk too. What?? His inability to share anything with me was a major part of what made me feel like I was around as someone to take care of everything while he dealt with his illness, rather than a partner in it.

I left it at that because I, like I'm sure others reading it, thought major step forward. Yeah, no. He's the same as always. Won't say anything about anything. If I act like everything is great, so will he. If I say, ok you don't want to be with me, lets act like it... he will agree (except I can't date if I'm in his house, not like I would). I ask why he's so open with information... because you asked me to be. I ask why he's not talking to me... because you told me not too. I don't want fake. I don't want whatever "I" say.... I want what YOU feel!!

It frustrates me so much because I want us to "work it out". I put it in quotations because I don't just want him back, I want us to FIX it. Its impossible for me to know when he copies my actions. I don't want us to be together in every single way but words. I have a hard time figuring out if it is beneficial to my cause for us to act like it or if its going to cause me more pain in the end. You know what I mean? I feel like schizo because I look at all the "look at his/her actions, and not there words". Well I see the fact that he took us in, I see that he never leaves the house, I see that he cooks all our meals, he does laundry, he gives me back rubs, he tells me he loves me (when I say it, rarely).... but I also hear, we aren't together. And then I see him completely pull away and be fine with not talking to me, not telling me to have a good day before I leave to work, not ask me for anything... because I say if we aren't together we should not be. I don't know

So I had a massive headache last night and this morning. It finally went away this afternoon. I had heard him getting sick early this morning a couple times. I figured he had taken morphine which he is prescribed for his hip and always makes him sick. So I called home this afternoon to see how he was. He told me he didn't take anything, was getting sick all day and thought he had the flu. I left work early to get the kids so he didn't have to drive. He was still getting sick when I got home. I had plans for tonight but he told me to go anyways cause he knew I was looking forward to it... that our oldest could babysit the youngest while he rested. Well, in the half hour I was home getting ready... he got sick 4 times. He was laying in his bedroom wheezing because he couldn't breathe. Finally when I asked him for the 5th time if he was going to be ok, he told me that he feels like his lungs are full of something, hes having trouble breathing, and he is puking up green crap. Now, before the Drs started scheduling regular blood transfusions and he stopped having crises all the time, he would ALWAYS have fluid buildup and an infection in his lungs when he went into the hospital. Logic says...

So I dropped him off at the hospital. He texted me two hours later said he is still in the ER observation room and they don't know whats wrong with him, but they gave him meds and he isn't puking anymore. An hour later he texts me and says that he has an infection but they aren't sure where it is so they are keeping him tomorrow until the results come back. I told him thats good that they found something so at least they can fix it. He said yes it is, kiss the girls for me. So I said I would and good night. Thought that was all. Then he texts me about my back. I said my back is still sore, but at least my headache is gone after 36 hours (tension headache, my shoulders are F'ed) and I can handle my back. He texts me back this big text saying, he saw how much pain I was in yesterday, he wanted to do something, that I handle so much more than I give myself credit for, etc. And I think... we sat watching tv and you never said one word to me that made me think you even noticed!! I don't understand it... I'm so confused. Do you care or not care? Are you only expressing concern for me because I expressed it for you? What the heck is going on? :scratchhead: I'm soooo confused lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Oh sure...go ahead and confuse me now even more now. LOL. I went to my counselor today and I have home work this week. Before he asked me to write things down. Not I have to actually "do something". Some down right scary stuff. Going to try and connect with my husband by not doing anything on that list. We are working on a theory and hopefully by Monday I will have some actual data and facts. Then I can start tearing into that list piece by piece if the theory that I have is wrong. I can't tell you too much about whats going on at the moment because I haven't sorted it all out yet for myself. I can tell you that I am working on me the rest of this week before we go to the museum. And I will be ready for anything that comes my way. Lots of prayer and lots of work for me the reset of this week. I'll keep you posted as events unravel.


Hi Nemo, I just thought it may help. I was very reluctant at first to go around the house and remove things that are his, but I started last night  In a way it's like a weight being lifted, I'll still have him back don't get me wrong but I can't keep waiting around for him! It's going to take a while for us to sort us out and he's got a heck of a lot of growing up to do! I'm still working on myself and I've got to keep moving forward 
Your IC sounds good Nemo, I can't wait to hear more  Can you tell us what sort of things she's asked you to do or not? Anything that helps me change for the better is all good


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Today I am beginning my journey inward as well. My journey will be different, but as long as I am on my way. We are working on my reaction to people when they lie to me. I have been lied to so much over the past several years by friends, family, and my husband and I know that as time has gone by I have become a firecracker waiting to explode because I take it all personal.


That is exactly what I'm like! I take everything to heart and get really down about it. The exploding bit only happens occasionally, the last 2 times it was at my H. I'm not very good at all at speaking my mind and won't be confrontational. I dod have a go at my MIL tough because she really upset me last time  That was another firecracker moment, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Soooo break has come. He didn't mmention the text ( i know he got it though) I told you he cant do the mushy stuff for some reason. (I've been told it's a Virgo thing ) Anywho we had a good ha ha good time up spirited phone call. He was kinda down about finances on last break (the bills in that apt. Kickin dat azz ) but this break all worries were gone and I know it was because of that text I sent thanks to you Tron .
> You rock !!:smthumbup:


That's good  One thing that worries me though about all of our Hs is this finance thing. They all seem to be going on about it and expecting us to bail them out. The worry is that they're getting close so they can move out of their apts and back home just so that their finances can be sorted out  I know your H doesn't want to move back in Catch, but he does sound v. positive at the mo


----------



## lostwithouthim

Hi Notez, good to see you on here  One prodigal daughter returning to the fold, now where's that prodigal son called Whitehawk? lol 
I totally agree with you when you said - "It frustrates me so much because I want us to "work it out". I put it in quotations because I don't just want him back, I want us to FIX it."
As for him being nice and sending you texts when he was in hospital, it's because you've just deposited a huge love deposit into his love bank. Keep on caring for him and he'll keep on caring for you  It is a confusing time I know, my H does that all the time. One minute you think he's getting closer and the next he's distancing himself from me again. I've not spoken to him since Wednesday, just because I've been busy and getting on with my life and I've nothing to say to him.
Like Catch said on here, go with your gut reaction. Whilst typing this I thought I may text him to see how his tooth is, but I'll wait until I'm on the bus in case he wants to "pop round". I'm going to be busy the next few days, so he won't get a chance to just turn up!
We've got half term holiday coming up and I've just been planning that  So far I've got 1 day free and I think my friend is coming over then with her kids 
Have a great day everyone  Remember don't over analyse things, baby steps, be patient and don't try and solve everything on your own, give all your worries and problems to God


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I've got to keep moving forward




If you had the opportunity to talk to a friend of your husband's that you trust and know for a fact that they would never say or do anything to hurt either you or your husband -- Would you talk to them and try to get answers for some of your husband's confusing behavior? 

I have that opportunity right now ...this is why I am asking. A friend of my husband's that he has known for a really long time sent me an email last night asking how I was going and would I like to chat. I have only met this man in person a couple of times, but my husband hangs out with him a lot. He's a good person by all accounts. I kind of want to chat with him. He just might be able to shed some light on my husband's confusing behavior. Which would help with my homework.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Personally I wouldn't but it's your choice at the end of the day. You may hear something from his friend that you don't want to hear and it may upset you. I've been told by my h's mum and life coach that he's very settled and happy. My mil's words are still ringing in my head and it upsets me. The last time my h left, we had a mutual friend. He told me that h was very happy and the next time I saw him I was very upset. A few weeks later he was back home  get other opinions on here as I'm a bit biased!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Been a while... I've been reading but haven't had a lot of time to post. Busy week. So the last post I made, I said things were going good. He had an appointment with a specialist for personal "problem" he's had since he was a teenager. Now, its never been a problem to me nor has it hindered his family making business as we have two kids, but nonetheless. I know I'm not being discreet, but whatever. Anyways, as I said in my last post, I was back to the pulling away mode. He comes home and started talking to me about what the doc said, gave me all the options, discussing his feelings on each, etc. I had the conversation with him, told him exactly what I thought and so on. Later that night, I asked him why he was so comfortable talking to me about this personal stuff when we aren't together anymore. He told me that I'm the only person that he trusts and feels he can talk too. What?? His inability to share anything with me was a major part of what made me feel like I was around as someone to take care of everything while he dealt with his illness, rather than a partner in it.
> 
> I left it at that because I, like I'm sure others reading it, thought major step forward. Yeah, no. He's the same as always. Won't say anything about anything. If I act like everything is great, so will he. If I say, ok you don't want to be with me, lets act like it... he will agree (except I can't date if I'm in his house, not like I would). I ask why he's so open with information... because you asked me to be. I ask why he's not talking to me... because you told me not too. I don't want fake. I don't want whatever "I" say.... I want what YOU feel!!
> 
> It frustrates me so much because I want us to "work it out". I put it in quotations because I don't just want him back, I want us to FIX it. Its impossible for me to know when he copies my actions. I don't want us to be together in every single way but words. I have a hard time figuring out if it is beneficial to my cause for us to act like it or if its going to cause me more pain in the end. You know what I mean? I feel like schizo because I look at all the "look at his/her actions, and not there words". Well I see the fact that he took us in, I see that he never leaves the house, I see that he cooks all our meals, he does laundry, he gives me back rubs, he tells me he loves me (when I say it, rarely).... but I also hear, we aren't together. And then I see him completely pull away and be fine with not talking to me, not telling me to have a good day before I leave to work, not ask me for anything... because I say if we aren't together we should not be. I don't know
> 
> So I had a massive headache last night and this morning. It finally went away this afternoon. I had heard him getting sick early this morning a couple times. I figured he had taken morphine which he is prescribed for his hip and always makes him sick. So I called home this afternoon to see how he was. He told me he didn't take anything, was getting sick all day and thought he had the flu. I left work early to get the kids so he didn't have to drive. He was still getting sick when I got home. I had plans for tonight but he told me to go anyways cause he knew I was looking forward to it... that our oldest could babysit the youngest while he rested. Well, in the half hour I was home getting ready... he got sick 4 times. He was laying in his bedroom wheezing because he couldn't breathe. Finally when I asked him for the 5th time if he was going to be ok, he told me that he feels like his lungs are full of something, hes having trouble breathing, and he is puking up green crap. Now, before the Drs started scheduling regular blood transfusions and he stopped having crises all the time, he would ALWAYS have fluid buildup and an infection in his lungs when he went into the hospital. Logic says...
> 
> So I dropped him off at the hospital. He texted me two hours later said he is still in the ER observation room and they don't know whats wrong with him, but they gave him meds and he isn't puking anymore. An hour later he texts me and says that he has an infection but they aren't sure where it is so they are keeping him tomorrow until the results come back. I told him thats good that they found something so at least they can fix it. He said yes it is, kiss the girls for me. So I said I would and good night. Thought that was all. Then he texts me about my back. I said my back is still sore, but at least my headache is gone after 36 hours (tension headache, my shoulders are F'ed) and I can handle my back. He texts me back this big text saying, he saw how much pain I was in yesterday, he wanted to do something, that I handle so much more than I give myself credit for, etc. And I think... we sat watching tv and you never said one word to me that made me think you even noticed!! I don't understand it... I'm so confused. Do you care or not care? Are you only expressing concern for me because I expressed it for you? What the heck is going on? :scratchhead: I'm soooo confused lol.


Hi NotEZ , I am sorry to hear he is so ill again. This makes it even harder on you all during this time. I would just do all I could to be there for him during this time. Though I know whats going on with you all , it may be time to put some of that on the side until he is better. Meds, pain, uncertainty can really cloud one's judgement and mood. Ive been bad sick before and some people are at their worst mood wise and communication wise. Hospitals won't just keep you for nothing. He's really ill again and right now would be the perfect time I think to display some of your changes. He may not react accordingly now. But when he bounces back he'll remember who was there for him. Then you can resume working on you all. Thats just IMO


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hi Nemo, I just thought it may help. I was very reluctant at first to go around the house and remove things that are his, but I started last night  In a way it's like a weight being lifted, I'll still have him back don't get me wrong but I can't keep waiting around for him! It's going to take a while for us to sort us out and he's got a heck of a lot of growing up to do! I'm still working on myself and I've got to keep moving forward
> Your IC sounds good Nemo, I can't wait to hear more  Can you tell us what sort of things she's asked you to do or not? Anything that helps me change for the better is all good


Good for you. He knows all too well that you want him back. I wish that soon I get to the point where I can actually say some of the things you've discussed with your H. But at this point what is making him come to a decision on coming back ? That's where I am. I won't reject anything that he comes at me with as far as contact or communication. But im working on me. They have to decide on something either working on them or the marriage one,right. So removing more of his stuff will give him a visual nudge I think. Like hey this woman is not sitting around waiting on me this time. If i want this I better do something. Maybe he will maybe he won't. .who knows. I'm not in a good place emotionally today. Still working on me;but knowing that I may be in the beginning stages of really moving not only on with my life but away from my marriage. I know this is either a rollercoaster or depression day. I am choosing to try and stay positive no matter what. Because my feelings are all in my head actually. He has not done anything to provoke me or these feelings today. So this is a inner person issue im dealing with. So just praying and asking God for my comforter he promised me today.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That's good  One thing that worries me though about all of our Hs is this finance thing. They all seem to be going on about it and expecting us to bail them out. The worry is that they're getting close so they can move out of their apts and back home just so that their finances can be sorted out  I know your H doesn't want to move back in Catch, but he does sound v. positive at the mo


Yeah he doesn't ever handle finance issues well. One thing I can say about him though is he never ever asks or expects me to bail him out. His issue is kinda the same as mine. He says its a man thing. It bothers him when he cant do all he wants and needs done. We had an issue at one point where he was working 3 jobs. He'll do whatever it takes to get things done. Its just hard on him. He says men are to always be the provider and it literally breaks him down when his hands are tied in that area.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> If you had the opportunity to talk to a friend of your husband's that you trust and know for a fact that they would never say or do anything to hurt either you or your husband -- Would you talk to them and try to get answers for some of your husband's confusing behavior?
> 
> I have that opportunity right now ...this is why I am asking. A friend of my husband's that he has known for a really long time sent me an email last night asking how I was going and would I like to chat. I have only met this man in person a couple of times, but my husband hangs out with him a lot. He's a good person by all accounts. I kind of want to chat with him. He just might be able to shed some light on my husband's confusing behavior. Which would help with my homework.


I wouldn't that's HIS friend. If the friend has something to just out
And say I may listen. But not chat. It could be someone he's using to gather what you have to say for your husband. Or i've had men my husband not necessarily thought were his friends but pretty much associates that know we are separated and have actually tried coming on to me. It could be an innocent attempt on behalf of his friend. But you all have enough going on and don't need the added confusion or third wheel in the chaos.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi NotEZ , I am sorry to hear he is so ill again. This makes it even harder on you all during this time. I would just do all I could to be there for him during this time. Though I know whats going on with you all , it may be time to put some of that on the side until he is better. Meds, pain, uncertainty can really cloud one's judgement and mood. Ive been bad sick before and some people are at their worst mood wise and communication wise. Hospitals won't just keep you for nothing. He's really ill again and right now would be the perfect time I think to display some of your changes. He may not react accordingly now. But when he bounces back he'll remember who was there for him. Then you can resume working on you all. Thats just IMO


I agree  I've got a friend who had split up with her partner about 3 years ago. They never got married, but he shares a child with her. Recently, she was ill and the only person that was there for her was her ex partner. They've made up now and are working things out 
My H is having a bad time with his tooth. He's on loads of painkillers and antibiotics. I'd like to help but I've never been over to his apt and he lives in the next town. I hope he realises that it's hard to get there as I don't drive and will have to get the bus. I'm busy at the moment as well and haven't got time to spare at the mo. I had to go to a doc's appt this afternoon and didn't want to miss that! He sent me a text saying he may not be able to come round on Sunday if he's still bad and he's just sat there feeling sorry for himself. He says I know how he is when he's ill, lol. I've given him some sympathy, but I can't do much more than that


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Good for you. He knows all too well that you want him back. I wish that soon I get to the point where I can actually say some of the things you've discussed with your H. But at this point what is making him come to a decision on coming back ? That's where I am. I won't reject anything that he comes at me with as far as contact or communication. But im working on me. They have to decide on something either working on them or the marriage one,right. So removing more of his stuff will give him a visual nudge I think. Like hey this woman is not sitting around waiting on me this time. If i want this I better do something. Maybe he will maybe he won't. .who knows. I'm not in a good place emotionally today. Still working on me;but knowing that I may be in the beginning stages of really moving not only on with my life but away from my marriage. I know this is either a rollercoaster or depression day. I am choosing to try and stay positive no matter what. Because my feelings are all in my head actually. He has not done anything to provoke me or these feelings today. So this is a inner person issue im dealing with. So just praying and asking God for my comforter he promised me today.


I'm sorry that you're not in a good place today  I'm not either, but I think it's because I'm tired and the wind is blowing and it's cold and miserable. It's supposed to be spring here, but it feels more like winter today!
Catch, I get those feelings as well when I think you know what? I'm happy on my own! It's different though when I see him because I feel differently then  These fellas of ours had better make up their minds quick or they might lose us forever, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yeah he doesn't ever handle finance issues well. One thing I can say about him though is he never ever asks or expects me to bail him out. His issue is kinda the same as mine. He says its a man thing. It bothers him when he cant do all he wants and needs done. We had an issue at one point where he was working 3 jobs. He'll do whatever it takes to get things done. Its just hard on him. He says men are to always be the provider and it literally breaks him down when his hands are tied in that area.


I wish I can sort my H to get a proper job, but he used to shun any help I gave him before and I don't want to be accused of nagging him! This is the new me that doesn't nag him, lol. He suffers from anxiety and depression and has been on a sick benefit for a few years. He failed the tests last time, so he's appealing. There's a back to work scheme being run by the job centre to get ppl like my H back to work, but he already knows about this. His attitude is what's the point! He's doing well with his business, but because he's claiming benefits he can only work so many hours or earn so much.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I wouldn't that's HIS friend. If the friend has something to just out
> And say I may listen. But not chat. It could be someone he's using to gather what you have to say for your husband. Or i've had men my husband not necessarily thought were his friends but pretty much associates that know we are separated and have actually tried coming on to me. It could be an innocent attempt on behalf of his friend. But you all have enough going on and don't need the added confusion or third wheel in the chaos.


I'm so glad that you agree with me Catch and I agree that his friend might have an ulterior motive for meeting up with you


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I won't reject anything that he comes at me with as far as contact or communication.


My husband may be rethinking having any kind of communication with me for the rest of the day. I touched on a raw nerve and not so sure I am sad that I did. ( Part of my homework -- you'll understand when I can get it all typed out ) Maybe it will cause him to think and change the situation some how? I doubt it, but I think he will think about it for a while. 

Here is what happened a bit ago: 

We haven't heard from my husband in several days so just a bit ago he wanted to know how things were going. I told him about the party they gave our daughter at school. And I told him about a few other things that our daughter has been up to. He was happy to hear about the party. He told me that he has been sad for her...and I didn't even think before inserting the words... Well, we have put her through a lot. He didn't say anything after that. I asked if he was getting her from school today and he hasn't answered me. 

I think I hit a raw nerve and he went off to pout because he is mad at me or really does feel bad for what we are doing to our daughter. Can't be sure which is going on...but either way it's too bad. We have to take ownership of our actions...Which is something he better start getting used to because he is about to enter a part of his prevention classes that are going to deal with that kind of behavior to the fullest extent that it can go.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> My husband may be rethinking having any kind of communication with me for the rest of the day. I touched on a raw nerve and not so sure I am sad that I did. ( Part of my homework -- you'll understand when I can get it all typed out ) Maybe it will cause him to think and change the situation some how? I doubt it, but I think he will think about it for a while.
> 
> Here is what happened a bit ago:
> 
> We haven't heard from my husband in several days so just a bit ago he wanted to know how things were going. I told him about the party they gave our daughter at school. And I told him about a few other things that our daughter has been up to. He was happy to hear about the party. He told me that he has been sad for her...and I didn't even think before inserting the words... Well, we have put her through a lot. He didn't say anything after that. I asked if he was getting her from school today and he hasn't answered me.
> 
> I think I hit a raw nerve and he went off to pout because he is mad at me or really does feel bad for what we are doing to our daughter. Can't be sure which is going on...but either way it's too bad. We have to take ownership of our actions...Which is something he better start getting used to because he is about to enter a part of his prevention classes that are going to deal with that kind of behavior to the fullest extent that it can go.


Don't feel bad about telling him the truth, the truth hurts! If he wants to go off and have a hissy fit then that's his problem  Sounds like you're on the right track though and are trying not to feel too bad about it 
It's good that he's going to be going to prevention classes soon, hopefully he'll get a lot out of it and maybe not be so scared about repeating what he did in the first place


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm so glad that you agree with me Catch and I agree that his friend might have an ulterior motive for meeting up with you




I have tried three times now to post a simple post, but I keep getting side tracked. LOL. My daughter has called me three times since I dropped her off at school. First she called to ask me if I talked to her dad so she knows who is getting her from school. Then she called to ask me if any of her friend's mom's had called to talk about going to the amusement park on Sunday. Then she calls to tell me might have lost her lunch box. She really did not want to go to school today. They are cleaning classrooms and then they will go outside for lunch and then the day will be over. 

LOL...getting side tracked again. I keep trying to say that I decided not talk to or chat with the friend. I am trying to work on making things better...not worse.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I have tried three times now to post a simple post, but I keep getting side tracked. LOL. My daughter has called me three times since I dropped her off at school. First she called to ask me if I talked to her dad so she knows who is getting her from school. Then she called to ask me if any of her friend's mom's had called to talk about going to the amusement park on Sunday. Then she calls to tell me might have lost her lunch box. She really did not want to go to school today. They are cleaning classrooms and then they will go outside for lunch and then the day will be over.
> 
> LOL...getting side tracked again. I keep trying to say that I decided not talk to or chat with the friend. I am trying to work on making things better...not worse.


Good for you  Has he answered about whether he is picking your daughter up from school or not. That's the important thing he needs to address, whether or not he's got the hump with you


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree  I've got a friend who had split up with her partner about 3 years ago. They never got married, but he shares a child with her. Recently, she was ill and the only person that was there for her was her ex partner. They've made up now and are working things out
> My H is having a bad time with his tooth. He's on loads of painkillers and antibiotics. I'd like to help but I've never been over to his apt and he lives in the next town. I hope he realises that it's hard to get there as I don't drive and will have to get the bus. I'm busy at the moment as well and haven't got time to spare at the mo. I had to go to a doc's appt this afternoon and didn't want to miss that! He sent me a text saying he may not be able to come round on Sunday if he's still bad and he's just sat there feeling sorry for himself. He says I know how he is when he's ill, lol. I've given him some sympathy, but I can't do much more than that


Attention seeking behavior. .how does he knowbon Friday how he will feel on Sunday ? He's fishing Lost...think about it.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm sorry that you're not in a good place today  I'm not either, but I think it's because I'm tired and the wind is blowing and it's cold and miserable. It's supposed to be spring here, but it feels more like winter today!
> Catch, I get those feelings as well when I think you know what? I'm happy on my own! It's different though when I see him because I feel differently then  These fellas of ours had better make up their minds quick or they might lose us forever, lol


I guess it was just a moment. I prayed, listened to some gospel, and im back in my happy place. It felt good to get myself back there alone. It didn't take me hearing from him or anyone. I got back there myself. Kinda proud of me right now.


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## catch22gofigure

maki


lostwithouthim said:


> I wish I can sort my H to get a proper job, but he used to shun any help I gave him before and I don't want to be accused of nagging him! This is the new me that doesn't nag him, lol. He suffers from anxiety and depression and has been on a sick benefit for a few years. He failed the tests last time, so he's appealing. There's a back to work scheme being run by the job centre to get ppl like my H back to work, but he already knows about this. His attitude is what's the point! He's doing well with his business, but because he's claiming benefits he can only work so many hours or earn so much.


I wouldn't try and help him with it anymore then Lost. You have enough on your plate. Your attitude determines your altitude. Keep doing what ya doing you'll keep getting what ya got. If he likes living like that then youvtake on the I love it attitude. Your making major strides to move forward no matter what. So you'll be just fine. That's him stuck in that boat. You can't get him the life raft if he wont reach out to catch it.. One day soon he'll come to realize this. But he will have to for himself. Just like my H and his hang ups. He go have to learn it on his own. If we had the ability to change these things in them. We would not be in our current situations. It would already be done. We didn't just wake up this morning and decide...oh I love him i think i'll teach him now. Unh uhh we been trying and the shii didn't work.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> It's good that he's going to be going to prevention classes soon, hopefully he'll get a lot out of it and maybe not be so scared about repeating what he did in the first place





He should have started those classes on the 13th, but it was put off for some reason. I am supposed to get a notification of the start up, etc. Then someone calls me and we talk about the program, the kind of things going on, etc. I have some input on the kind of things that they focus on so I created a list:

Setting boundaries that create a safe and secure setting for himself and his family.

Finances / employment

Empathy - this not only impacted his life, but our daughters and mine as well.

Taking responsibility for his action

Being honest 

I am sure there is more that will come to mind as time goes by, but for now those are the big things. These things are not to say he abuses me with them. These are thing that tend to cause waves so if he can work on those things it will help him with being able to deal with conflict better.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Good for you  Has he answered about whether he is picking your daughter up from school or not. That's the important thing he needs to address, whether or not he's got the hump with you




He did answer me and sent me a text a little bit ago. That's another reason why I said I kept getting side tracked from trying to make a simple post. He asked me if I am still going to the amusement park with them. I said yes I was planning to go. I thought it amusing that he was thinking about the amusement park and so was our daughter. Who needs amusement parks when I have these to two to keep me confused...oops...I meant amused.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Attention seeking behavior. .how does he knowbon Friday how he will feel on Sunday ? He's fishing Lost...think about it.


Thanks for the reality check Catch lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I guess it was just a moment. I prayed, listened to some gospel, and im back in my happy place. It felt good to get myself back there alone. It didn't take me hearing from him or anyone. I got back there myself. Kinda proud of me right now.


Well done


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> maki
> 
> I wouldn't try and help him with it anymore then Lost. You have enough on your plate. Your attitude determines your altitude. Keep doing what ya doing you'll keep getting what ya got. If he likes living like that then youvtake on the I love it attitude. Your making major strides to move forward no matter what. So you'll be just fine. That's him stuck in that boat. You can't get him the life raft if he wont reach out to catch it.. One day soon he'll come to realize this. But he will have to for himself. Just like my H and his hang ups. He go have to learn it on his own. If we had the ability to change these things in them. We would not be in our current situations. It would already be done. We didn't just wake up this morning and decide...oh I love him i think i'll teach him now. Unh uhh we been trying and the shii didn't work.


Yes I agree  I meant to say that although I wish I could help him out, I'm not going to  He's got to stand on his own two feet now and hopefully will become more responsible whilst he's at it  If he's got no money, he's going to have to work something out on his own!


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks for the reality check Catch lol



Sounds to me like fishing for some sympathy.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I guess it was just a moment. I prayed, listened to some gospel, and im back in my happy place. It felt good to get myself back there alone. It didn't take me hearing from him or anyone. I got back there myself. Kinda proud of me right now.


As well you should be. Good job! :smthumbup:


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Yes I agree  I meant to say that although I wish I could help him out, I'm not going to  He's got to stand on his own two feet now and hopefully will become more responsible whilst he's at it  If he's got no money, he's going to have to work something out on his own!


 Yep, it may even be therapeutic that he do so. We all fall down at times. But getting back up determines ultimately whether you win or lose.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm so glad that you agree with me Catch and I agree that his friend might have an ulterior motive for meeting up with you


Its the first thing that popped in my mind. If he just wanted to check on you why not call ? A email ? How's he have your email addy anyway ? Emails =paper trail.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Lord help me. This man is on his period again . I sense a attitude. ..
Telling myself not to react...i felt this one coming though. So I'm prepared.


----------



## Finding Nemo

I told you guys that I would try to explain the homework that I was assigned to do. So I am going to try and do this a little at a time so as not to confuse myself or anyone else. By sharing this hopefully you guys can give me feed back as we go along. 

First of all, My counselors name is Mark. Mark asked me "In a perfect world...and I could fix anything about myself...what would the first thing be that I would want to fix?" I explained to Mark that most of the problems that we have in our marriage have to do with my husband's negative behavior / seeking approval from outside of the marriage. I told him that I would like to work on myself and the way that I deal with these situations when they come up. Then he asked me for a second thing that I would wish for...but from someone else to me. And I said that I would wish for my husband to reconnect with me. Not necessarily to have sex or anything of that nature, but to feel safe and want to spend time with me. 

An example...he has a problem with coming to our home. So...what is wrong with me going to his apartment and picking up out daughter on the door step or at the sidewalk as the apartment is right off of the street. I don't have to go in to the apartment, but if it could get to that point, then we could spend time watching tv, cooking or doing something as a family. Or even going to say FIL's girlfriends house and hanging out together. More people are there and he would be refilling his memory banks with things that are positive. 

Soo....here comes the homework. First tell these two things to my husband. Don't ask for a reply. Don't ask for him to say anything or feel anything. Just stand and listen to me...or even pretend to listen to me.

Part of the process of doing this includes a video and that leads to me talking more and he just listen. I'll enclose the video and the other instructions in another post in just a second...


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Its the first thing that popped in my mind. If he just wanted to check on you why not call ? A email ? How's he have your email addy anyway ? Emails =paper trail.


I don't know why he didn't call. He has called before and talked to me. I think that maybe he fell back to an old habit. My husband and I have had the same email addresses for ever. My husband had given him our home address, phone number, etc...When ever he couldn't get a hold of my husband he would send a message to me to forward to my husband. Then they would connect and go do X,Y, and Z.


----------



## Finding Nemo

This is how my homework conversation is supposed to start. 

I show him this video and then explain to him that this is how I feel we interact with each other. 

Then I say: Notice the infant seems to use facial expressions that appear to be trying to break through an invisible wall. The longer the infant is trying to break through that wall and connect with the parent, the more the infant struggles and chaos begins to take place. I am in essence that infant trying to break down the wall. 

Then I say: You are not my parent and I am not the infant. This is just a way of using a visual aide to help get my point across. I want the road to success to be a two way street, but I am kind of doing it all by myself right now.  


The video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0



There is a bit more, but I am still working on that part...so any feedback you can offer would be appreciated.


----------



## catch22gofigure

This man is seriously looney tunes. So he leaves out goes to the store and comes back sweet as pie:wtf:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I don't know why he didn't call. He has called before and talked to me. I think that maybe he fell back to an old habit. My husband and I have had the same email addresses for ever. My husband had given him our home address, phone number, etc...When ever he couldn't get a hold of my husband he would send a message to me to forward to my husband. Then they would connect and go do X,Y, and Z.


Oh ok well that's understandable. I'd still watch it though. !


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> This is how my homework conversation is supposed to start.
> 
> I show him this video and then explain to him that this is how I feel we interact with each other.
> 
> Then I say: Notice the infant seems to use facial expressions that appear to be trying to break through an invisible wall. The longer the infant is trying to break through that wall and connect with the parent, the more the infant struggles and chaos begins to take place. I am in essence that infant trying to break down the wall.
> 
> Then I say: You are not my parent and I am not the infant. This is just a way of using a visual aide to help get my point across. I want the road to success to be a two way street, but I am kind of doing it all by myself right now.
> 
> 
> The video:
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht
> 
> 
> 
> There is a bit more, but I am still working on that part...so any feedback you can offer would be appreciated.


The link isn't working for me


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Oh ok well that's understandable. I'd still watch it though. !




I got to thinking about something a bit ago. I usually tell my husband about the conversations, etc and I would not feel comfortable enough right now to tell him what was said if I did have a chat with the friend.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> The link isn't working for me


Shoot...let me try it again. 


Still Face Experiment: Dr. Edward Tronick - YouTube



I think this will work now.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I got to thinking about something a bit ago. I usually tell my husband about the conversations, etc and I would not feel comfortable enough right now to tell him what was said if I did have a chat with the friend.


Im telling ya. It ain't wise to do. It could also make you seems as if you using the friend a a means of getting him back. That'll make you look weak. Plus my H would be like , our business is not everybody business. So it could cause issues


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Shoot...let me try it again.
> 
> 
> Still Face Experiment: Dr. Edward Tronick - YouTube
> 
> 
> 
> I think this will work now.


Wow , this all makes perfect sense now. Thanks fkr sharing. This is what just happened when i said he was on his period again. He didn't say anything wrong. It was that look on his face.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Im telling ya. It ain't wise to do. It could also make you seems as if you using the friend a a means of getting him back. That'll make you look weak. Plus my H would be like , our business is not everybody business. So it could cause issues




Absolutely. I don't want to appear weak...and I am working on helping my husband to feel safe. He needs to know he has a safe place to go to vent without backlash. I would rather my husband speak with the friend because the friend has no steak in the issues. And knowing the friend, I know he is going to encourage my husband to work things out if for no other reason than for our daughter. Unlike my FIL who always has a motive of destruction.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Wow , this all makes perfect sense now. Thanks fkr sharing. This is what just happened when i said he was on his period again. He didn't say anything wrong. It was that look on his face.




With my husband it is the facial and body language and totally blocking me out....I can't go to his apartment. I can't hang out with him by myself. I can't this...that and the other. What are the things I can do? If I am not his friend like he says...then why can't we work on breaking down some of the walls? (referring to the ugly part of that experiment...he's not giving me a chance and I really believe I do deserve a chance.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Its the first thing that popped in my mind. If he just wanted to check on you why not call ? A email ? How's he have your email addy anyway ? Emails =paper trail.


I agree, alarm bells started ringing in my head as well! I thought it was to do with my past experiences, so I was glad when you said no as well


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Lord help me. This man is on his period again . I sense a attitude. ..
> Telling myself not to react...i felt this one coming though. So I'm prepared.


Crikey! he has more periods than a female, lol


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Crikey! he has more periods than a female, lol


I was saying the other day that I want to know the brand name of his pads because this is a company I could make money off of in the stock market. 

Oh a not so lighter side...hope you are okay Catch.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> This man is seriously looney tunes. So he leaves out goes to the store and comes back sweet as pie:wtf:


He's struggling with his emotions, just like my H! Remember that time he came round at 7.30 and went mad at me when I said I wasn't going to claim child support from him. I think he was having a period as well, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Oh ok well that's understandable. I'd still watch it though. !


I agree with Catch here


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Im telling ya. It ain't wise to do. It could also make you seems as if you using the friend a a means of getting him back. That'll make you look weak. Plus my H would be like , our business is not everybody business. So it could cause issues


Oh yeah, I get that our business is not everyone's business line as well  I wouldn't talk to anyone mutually acquainted with your H about your H


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Absolutely. I don't want to appear weak...and I am working on helping my husband to feel safe. He needs to know he has a safe place to go to vent without backlash. I would rather my husband speak with the friend because the friend has no steak in the issues. And knowing the friend, I know he is going to encourage my husband to work things out if for no other reason than for our daughter. Unlike my FIL who always has a motive of destruction.


He sounds like he's a good friend for your H and the first thing you'll want to do is find out what H has been saying  It's best that your H talk to him confidentially about things that have been happening  It's good that there's someone positive there for your H, I don't think my H's mates are positive about R.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> With my husband it is the facial and body language and totally blocking me out....I can't go to his apartment. I can't hang out with him by myself. I can't this...that and the other. What are the things I can do? If I am not his friend like he says...then why can't we work on breaking down some of the walls? (referring to the ugly part of that experiment...he's not giving me a chance and I really believe I do deserve a chance.


Give him time, he'll come around  At the start of our separation, I used to text my H, I couldn't stand to talk to him. After a while, he was the one who phoned me up and we were then chatting on the phone for about 20 mins. If he doesn't reply to your texts then try not to get too upset about it, unless it is to do with your daughter. Hope that helps


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> With my husband it is the facial and body language and totally blocking me out....I can't go to his apartment. I can't hang out with him by myself. I can't this...that and the other. What are the things I can do? If I am not his friend like he says...then why can't we work on breaking down some of the walls? (referring to the ugly part of that experiment...he's not giving me a chance and I really believe I do deserve a chance.


Yeah some of those walls gotta come down sooner or later. Why cant you go to his apartment?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I was saying the other day that I want to know the brand name of his pads because this is a company I could make money off of in the stock market.
> 
> Oh a not so lighter side...hope you are okay Catch.


I'm fine hun  I have pretty thick skin most of the time. He knows for the most part I have a zero tolerance for bs. So me , yet Again not being reactive to his negative nancy mood. He left got his mind right and came back on a different note.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Oh yeah, I get that our business is not everyone's business line as well  I wouldn't talk to anyone mutually acquainted with your H about your H


I dont talk to but one person and you all about what's going on with us. You can be praying for one thing and people somewhere against you praying for another. God js no respector of persons. So you don't know whose of those prayers will get answered first. So I ain't taking no chances. Plus there is a such thing as bad advice. You talk to people to vent and seeking resolution. We not on TAM for nothing. In what we are facing We need a clear mind all that chatter will have you confused and disillusioned.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Yeah some of those walls gotta come down sooner or later. Why cant you go to his apartment?



His words were...I don't want you to come around the apartment because we might get into a fight and then I will lose the only other place I can live other than home and you know I can't live there right now. 

I told this to my counselor and my counselor said I should tell him that next time I am working near his apartment I am going to pull up front of the apartment and pick up my daughter. He does not have to come outside. He does not have to talk to me at all. But, it is crazy for me to be right there ...drive all the way home...and then wait a few minutes for my daughter to arrive some place close to home. 

I agree...some of these walls have to come down some time. I was thinking about the last time my husband left to be with the coworker ... he didn't contact me very often that time either. In fact, he contacts me more now than back then. He didn't even contact me about our daughter when she was sick and in the hospital with swine flu. Big difference right there because now he checks on her most times even if it the sniffles. Before he would come home and stay the night some times but back then he stayed with his aunt and had no place to take our daughter for over night visits. So he would come home and do things with her and then crash on the couch or in the bed. Sometimes he was here in he morning. Sometimes not. I realize that things are different now, but I really do hope that he is starting to break some how because of our daughter. On her birthday they had sooo much fun. She hugged him and almost started to cry. She was hugging him good bye and she said dad I wish you could home and stay with me. He just hugged her and didn't say another word to her. That just about tore my heart open. How can you resist a child's cry for you? My prayer for tonight is that these walls start to come on down if for no other reason than for my daughter.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm fine hun  I have pretty thick skin most of the time. He knows for the most part I have a zero tolerance for bs. So me , yet Again not being reactive to his negative nancy mood. He left got his mind right and came back on a different note.



I am so glad this is working for you. I am about to see my husband in about an hour. I am really trying hard to get a good attitude and good look going before then.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I dont talk to but one person and you all about what's going on with us. You can be praying for one thing and people somewhere against you praying for another. God js no respector of persons. So you don't know whose of those prayers will get answered first. So I ain't taking no chances. Plus there is a such thing as bad advice. You talk to people to vent and seeking resolution. We not on TAM for nothing. In what we are facing We need a clear mind all that chatter will have you confused and disillusioned.


I talk to one other person as well. She knows all to well about what I am dealing with, but her husband is home with her and they have been back together for nearly 9 months. She is my inspiration. Her husband wanted to go back home immediately, but she was the one that held out for a couple of months. He lived in a different state while she made up her mind. She tells me all of the time that things are on the right track with my husband, but it's hard to believe because she doesn't have to communicate and deal with my husband and listen to all of the squishy washy stuff. 

You guys already know I am thankful to have found you. You guys "get it" and I feel safe here talking with you. :smthumbup:


----------



## Finding Nemo

Lost, what is on the movie agenda? My daughter is going to be home with me tomorrow so she asked if we could watch a movie. I am not sure what we will see, but I am sure it will be fun. Have a good movie day, too. 

Catch what are you up to for Saturday? You have all those cools DVD to watch. You could make it a movie Saturday along with Lost and I. 


I know on thing for sure I am going to do and that is not get out of my pj's until I absolutely have to. Maybe not at all. :lol:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> His words were...I don't want you to come around the apartment because we might get into a fight and then I will lose the only other place I can live other than home and you know I can't live there right now.
> 
> I told this to my counselor and my counselor said I should tell him that next time I am working near his apartment I am going to pull up front of the apartment and pick up my daughter. He does not have to come outside. He does not have to talk to me at all. But, it is crazy for me to be right there ...drive all the way home...and then wait a few minutes for my daughter to arrive some place close to home.
> 
> I agree...some of these walls have to come down some time. I was thinking about the last time my husband left to be with the coworker ... he didn't contact me very often that time either. In fact, he contacts me more now than back then. He didn't even contact me about our daughter when she was sick and in the hospital with swine flu. Big difference right there because now he checks on her most times even if it the sniffles. Before he would come home and stay the night some times but back then he stayed with his aunt and had no place to take our daughter for over night visits. So he would come home and do things with her and then crash on the couch or in the bed. Sometimes he was here in he morning. Sometimes not. I realize that things are different now, but I really do hope that he is starting to break some how because of our daughter. On her birthday they had sooo much fun. She hugged him and almost started to cry. She was hugging him good bye and she said dad I wish you could home and stay with me. He just hugged her and didn't say another word to her. That just about tore my heart open. How can you resist a child's cry for you? My prayer for tonight is that these walls start to come on down if for no other reason than for my daughter.


Any signs of OW this time ?

I ask because a place won't determine a fight starting. I've seen people have knock down drag outs in a dang grocery store.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I am so glad this is working for you. I am about to see my husband in about an hour. I am really trying hard to get a good attitude and good look going before then.


Girl I take it contact by contact. ..Cause you never know what the next contact will bring. Just put it in your mind that you will remain calm no matter what and not react, you'll do fine.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I talk to one other person as well. She knows all to well about what I am dealing with, but her husband is home with her and they have been back together for nearly 9 months. She is my inspiration. Her husband wanted to go back home immediately, but she was the one that held out for a couple of months. He lived in a different state while she made up her mind. She tells me all of the time that things are on the right track with my husband, but it's hard to believe because she doesn't have to communicate and deal with my husband and listen to all of the squishy washy stuff.
> 
> You guys already know I am thankful to have found you. You guys "get it" and I feel safe here talking with you. :smthumbup:


Yep you're safe with us. I can't imagine where I would be with this without God first and TAM.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Lost, what is on the movie agenda? My daughter is going to be home with me tomorrow so she asked if we could watch a movie. I am not sure what we will see, but I am sure it will be fun. Have a good movie day, too.
> 
> Catch what are you up to for Saturday? You have all those cools DVD to watch. You could make it a movie Saturday along with Lost and I.
> 
> 
> I know on thing for sure I am going to do and that is not get out of my pj's until I absolutely have to. Maybe not at all. :lol:


Idk about tomorrow. No real plans other than a hair appt. That always makes.me wannaget out and do someone. Idk though. Them dang dvds still sitting where he left them. I am not big on movies. ...that's him that's the movie fanatic.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Girl I take it contact by contact. ..Cause you never know what the next contact will bring. Just put it in your mind that you will remain calm no matter what and not react, you'll do fine.



Well, for this contact I can't say how it went. He was hard to read tonight. I was trying to talk to him about his aunt having surgery on her hip and my daughter kept butting in trying to get her dad to play and horse around with her. She didn't realize I was trying to tell him something extremely serious. 

Then I was trying to ask him about these people that came to the house today. It took me forever to be able to get to the bottom of who these people were because he and my daughter were horsing around again. Come to find out, they were who I thought they were. They were from the legal system and they were looking for my FIL and if not my FIL, then my husband because surely he would know where his own dad lives. They some how got in touch with my FIL so why did they bother coming to my house upsetting my household? My FIL uses our home address for all kinds of stuff. It drives me crazy. 

So then we had a short discussion about where I was going to leave my car on Sunday because there is a sign in the parking lot where we were planning to leave it that says any cars left there unattended will be owed at owners expense. We haven't decided what to do but we are supposed to talk about it tomorrow. 

I wished my husband good luck for tomorrow as he tries to get some more hours put in for his punishment. I don't say for your punishment...I only say that to you guys so you know what I am talking about. He gave me a half hearted hug and I asked for a more heart felt hug. So he gave me a better hug and held me for a minute. Then I gave him a kiss and before I walked away I touched his cheek, looked him right square in the eyes and told him that I love him and I hope he is doing well. He stood there for a moment and then said he said he would be doing better if he could get some more of his hours in. He then said he was going home so that he could get some more sleep so he wouldn't be tired tomorrow. Apparently he worked the last two days straight and then he fell asleep when he got back to his apartment. My daughter kind of entertained herself tonight. 

I didn't cry this time. I almost did, but I was able to hold it. I tried to go come home and sleep, but as you can see I didn't make it very far. My daughter asked if I was okay and I said yes, I just miss your dad. I am a bit depressed tonight. Not so much scared like I have been in the past yet I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it will make more sense when I am finally able to go to sleep?


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I dont talk to but one person and you all about what's going on with us. You can be praying for one thing and people somewhere against you praying for another. God js no respector of persons. So you don't know whose of those prayers will get answered first. So I ain't taking no chances. Plus there is a such thing as bad advice. You talk to people to vent and seeking resolution. We not on TAM for nothing. In what we are facing We need a clear mind all that chatter will have you confused and disillusioned.


I agree  I know who to talk to and who not to talk to. I mainly talk to spiritually filled people who believe that marriage is sacred. I've got lots of kind hearted people praying for us both  I get a lift from a friend at college who finds the negative in everything I say and all she wants to do is bad mouth my H all the time. She doesn't even know him, yet because she doesn't get on with her ex she doesn't think we should get back together. I just let her rant away and don't take any notice. She told me to get child support off him, I've done the opposite  I'm not telling her that though  I try not to talk to her about my H, but sometimes she will just bring it up. It's horrible, it's so negative but I put up with it because I don't have any other way of getting to college and as long as I keep to a different topic she's ok


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Lost, what is on the movie agenda? My daughter is going to be home with me tomorrow so she asked if we could watch a movie. I am not sure what we will see, but I am sure it will be fun. Have a good movie day, too.
> 
> Catch what are you up to for Saturday? You have all those cools DVD to watch. You could make it a movie Saturday along with Lost and I.
> 
> 
> I know on thing for sure I am going to do and that is not get out of my pj's until I absolutely have to. Maybe not at all. :lol:


I've hired out Madagascar 3 and going to order in some pizza later  There'll just be me and my son here, it'll be good  Next week we've got britain's got talent semi final live all week, so I said that we can have our evening meal in front of the tv  Normally we don't do that as we both like watching different programmes 
I had a lazy morning, but I'm out of my pjs now  I've got a friend coming round later who's also on my beauty course. She's going to wax my legs for me ready for the sun next week, that's if there's going to be any, lol


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I didn't cry this time. I almost did, but I was able to hold it. I tried to go come home and sleep, but as you can see I didn't make it very far. My daughter asked if I was okay and I said yes, I just miss your dad. I am a bit depressed tonight. Not so much scared like I have been in the past yet I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it will make more sense when I am finally able to go to sleep?


Nemo, I get valerian to help me sleep. It's a herbal tablet that's also a sedative. You need to check first with the health shop if you're on meds, as to whether you can take it or not. It has helped me loads


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Nemo, I get valerian to help me sleep. It's a herbal tablet that's also a sedative. You need to check first with the health shop if you're on meds, as to whether you can take it or not. It has helped me loads


Well, here I am again. Still awake. Still feeling that weird feeling I had earlier. You mention valerian...I am still awake after taking 3 melatonin. Stupid brain won't shut off! Now I am fighting for sleep on top of everything else.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Well, here I am again. Still awake. Still feeling that weird feeling I had earlier. You mention valerian...I am still awake after taking 3 melatonin. Stupid brain won't shut off! Now I am fighting for sleep on top of everything else.


Forget the melatonin, take the valerian instead it's better for you  I go to bed with a book and a mug of camomile tea  The book always lulls me into sleep  It's got to be a novel though, not a self help book as that will just keep you awake


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## catch22gofigure

Well you all. I'll be leaving the forum soon. I plan on filing Tuesday, this limbo has gotten the best of me. I cant continue working towards anything but me with someone who can't even tell you what they want out of this separation. So he said awhile. Back that he is done. Im taking him on his word and giving him what he obviously wants. Its been good getting to know you all while ive been here. I probably won't deactivate until Tues when I file.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well you all. I'll be leaving the forum soon. I plan on filing Tuesday, this limbo has gotten the best of me. I cant continue working towards anything but me with someone who can't even tell you what they want out of this separation. So he said awhile. Back that he is done. Im taking him on his word and giving him what he obviously wants. Its been good getting to know you all while ive been here. I probably won't deactivate until Tues when I file.


awww Catch, it'll be sad to see you go  Can't you just come on here for a chat and continue to give us your very helpful advice  pretty please  How long have you been separated? Remember it takes time and patience. I know you said that your H said a while back that he is done, but then so did my H and I'm not giving up! Tell God that you give up and you're letting him take over from now on! I'm sure you don't really want to file do you? My H wants to file as well, but I'm not letting him! Give it time, if you still love him 
You are growing in yourself and that's good  Because you are growing in yourself, you're finding that you need your H less. I feel like that now, if he doesn't come back then that's fine but if he does then that's great 
One thing my negative friend did say is when he has a go at you or is snappy or moody, tell him that he can't talk to you like that anymore! Remind him that he's the one who moved out and you can do what you like now 
Of course it may just be the kick up the bum that he needs to work out what he actually wants for you.
God married you for a reason and he doesn't want to see you two divorce. 
I for one will miss you on here and I think I can say that for everyone else on here as well 
Stay strong! Fight the good fight and be patient  Just get on with your life and leave it all with God to sort out


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## catch22gofigure

Thanks Lost. I have to do this for me though in my growth. If someone wants something no matter how much of a communicator they are not. They will find a way other than actions to say it. He is not one to talk about matters of the heart. Ive given the benefit of the doubt on that. But a simple, i just don't know what I want right now would help. I get nothing. Not gonna stand and allow it to remain this way. Nope. I will start to nove forward in my life . Dating and all. If I am still married I will feel im sinning against God. I won't do that. So if he wants this. He can tell it to the judge. Im going dark on him as of today. Ive texted him (since he cant talk about stuff like this ) and let him know im filing Tues. Other than that I am now the one thats done.


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## catch22gofigure

Purchasing Co dependant no more Tues as well. So I can be all that I can be for my new life. You can't hold onto the past and move forward to your future. It will split you right down the middle.


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## lostwithouthim

Catch, at the end of the day it's your decision  It'll be nice though if you could still come on here and chat though, you never know when you might need us  I certainly need you on here with all your useful advice and perceptions. I won't judge you, if you want to file then that's up to you  I might feel like you in a few month's time, only I'm not going to file as I don't want to get into a battle and lose the house!


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Ive texted him (since he cant talk about stuff like this ) and let him know im filing Tues. Other than that I am now the one thats done.




Whoa! Wait! I feel like I missed something along the way. Have you sat down with your husband within the last couple of days and had a heart to heart with him? I really think you should do this before you throw in the towel. * Don't listen to what he said before he left.* *Listen to what he has been saying since then.* He has been talking. He is not that person who gave up before. He talks about you guys moving into the apartment and he calls you several times a day and he lays his head in your lap and stuff like that. Those are things I am craving and would give anything to have right now. He is telling you that he wants to be with you, but your guard is up so high right now that you are not able to see progress for the smoldering of yesterdays fire. If he didn't want anything to do with your marriage I guarantee his attitude would be totally different than it is right now. He would have taken on a more hardened shell and you wouldn't be getting what you have right now. Trust me, I have experienced that hardened shell and it is *nothing* like what you have, nothing like what Lost has, and it's nothing like what I have right now. Seriously, when you said that he was talking about you moving in...*that spoke volumes and you should listen to that. *

Having said all of that, you gave me the wake up call that I needed. I need to stop and start fanning the smoke so it can clear as well. I have progress, but I was so busy looking at yesterday's fire to see it, too. I went from a man who beat the hell out of me and went completely away. Gave me that hard shell. Totally distanced himself from me because he thought he had lost everything. Now look at what I have. He is able to speak to me and he is able to tell me he still loves me. He wouldn't allow me to come even 10 feet of him before. He would stiffen his shoulders up, pull his head back and make me work at it if I wanted to hug him. If you have ever hugged a tree, that is what is was like to hug my husband before. Now he pulls me in close to hug me and hold me. He's able to say...you aren't leaving without a hug. Before I couldn't even as much as talk to him about his work, his family or even our daughter. I had NOTHING, ZILTCH, NADA from him. I had a child, 3 hundred dollars and a future that was shot to hell. I knew this would not be an easy road and yes, it does get confusing at times, but I know what is at the end of this journey. I have my hands on the wheel, feet on the pedals, a prayer on my lips and I am moving forward now matter what gets in my way. And this is why I am telling you to take another looks at this. *You have progress. * Let go of what he said before. That right there would be the best thing that you could do for yourself right now. 

In my humble opinion, I think you should go to your IC a couple of times before you file. There is a lot going on in your head that you need help sorting out. Let the IC help you sort it. If your husband tries to contact you over the next couple of days, I would use that opportunity to talk to him. Sending him a text and then going dark is kind of like a hit and run. It may be satisfying for the moment, but in the long run I don't think you are going to find the kind of happiness in it that you are looking for. I am serious...sit on this and talk to your counselor about it. 

If you still decide to go...I for one shall miss you. And I will miss the hope that you have brought to my situation. You and Lost are just awesome !!


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, at the end of the day it's your decision  It'll be nice though if you could still come on here and chat though, you never know when you might need us  I certainly need you on here with all your useful advice and perceptions. I won't judge you, if you want to file then that's up to you  I might feel like you in a few month's time, only I'm not going to file as I don't want to get into a battle and lose the house!




:iagree: I hope you will come back on and talk to us, too. It's been wonderful getting to know you guys. Not just because of our difficulties, but because it has been a pleasure to get to know you as a person. I too am thankful for your willingness to listen and to give me advice. I'll still here here for you, too. There is no need for you to go through your journey alone. I will keep you in my prayers no matter what your journey is going to look like from here on out.


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## lostwithouthim

I agree with you Nemo in all that you are saying  Catch, listen to what we're both saying, are you really ready to throw in the towel? It's going to be a long and rocky road for all of us, but we'll all get to the end of it  If God has challenged you to do this and you don't feel that you can carry on with the challenge, then tell God. Put it all in God's hands and let him sort it out  Trust in the Lord, he will do what's best for you 
I also agree with Nemo that you should continue to see your IC at least a couple more times before you file for divorce. 
I've said everything else in one of my last posts to you, so I won't repeat it, lol 
Nemo is right when she says that we have come to regard you as our friend and there is no need to go through any of this alone 
You said last night that you don't know where you would be without the support on here and I agree 
Nemo, it's nice to see you've fanned the smoke and see things clearer now  Did you get some more sleep? I noticed this morning when I was on here that it must've been 4am there for you! Hope you're both well and enjoying this day  It's been lovely and sunny here today, my friend's been over and in a couple of hours I'm going to be sitting with my son watching a movie and eating pizza  I hope just one day goes by where I can look back and think - YES!! that was a good day


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Well you all. I'll be leaving the forum soon. I plan on filing Tuesday, this limbo has gotten the best of me. I cant continue working towards anything but me with someone who can't even tell you what they want out of this separation. So he said awhile. Back that he is done. Im taking him on his word and giving him what he obviously wants. Its been good getting to know you all while ive been here. I probably won't deactivate until Tues when I file.


What is different today?


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Whoa! Wait! I feel like I missed something along the way. Have you sat down with your husband within the last couple of days and had a heart to heart with him? I really think you should do this before you throw in the towel. * Don't listen to what he said before he left.* *Listen to what he has been saying since then.* He has been talking. He is not that person who gave up before. He talks about you guys moving into the apartment and he calls you several times a day and he lays his head in your lap and stuff like that. Those are things I am craving and would give anything to have right now. He is telling you that he wants to be with you, but your guard is up so high right now that you are not able to see progress for the smoldering of yesterdays fire. If he didn't want anything to do with your marriage I guarantee his attitude would be totally different than it is right now. He would have taken on a more hardened shell and you wouldn't be getting what you have right now. Trust me, I have experienced that hardened shell and it is *nothing* like what you have, nothing like what Lost has, and it's nothing like what I have right now. Seriously, when you said that he was talking about you moving in...*that spoke volumes and you should listen to that. *
> 
> Having said all of that, you gave me the wake up call that I needed. I need to stop and start fanning the smoke so it can clear as well. I have progress, but I was so busy looking at yesterday's fire to see it, too. I went from a man who beat the hell out of me and went completely away. Gave me that hard shell. Totally distanced himself from me because he thought he had lost everything. Now look at what I have. He is able to speak to me and he is able to tell me he still loves me. He wouldn't allow me to come even 10 feet of him before. He would stiffen his shoulders up, pull his head back and make me work at it if I wanted to hug him. If you have ever hugged a tree, that is what is was like to hug my husband before. Now he pulls me in close to hug me and hold me. He's able to say...you aren't leaving without a hug. Before I couldn't even as much as talk to him about his work, his family or even our daughter. I had NOTHING, ZILTCH, NADA from him. I had a child, 3 hundred dollars and a future that was shot to hell. I knew this would not be an easy road and yes, it does get confusing at times, but I know what is at the end of this journey. I have my hands on the wheel, feet on the pedals, a prayer on my lips and I am moving forward now matter what gets in my way. And this is why I am telling you to take another looks at this. *You have progress. * Let go of what he said before. That right there would be the best thing that you could do for yourself right now.
> 
> In my humble opinion, I think you should go to your IC a couple of times before you file. There is a lot going on in your head that you need help sorting out. Let the IC help you sort it. If your husband tries to contact you over the next couple of days, I would use that opportunity to talk to him. Sending him a text and then going dark is kind of like a hit and run. It may be satisfying for the moment, but in the long run I don't think you are going to find the kind of happiness in it that you are looking for. I am serious...sit on this and talk to your counselor about it.
> 
> If you still decide to go...I for one shall miss you. And I will miss the hope that you have brought to my situation. You and Lost are just awesome !!


Yeah but i now feel this way. No nithing has changed . I just will not fight this alone. I did not destroy this alone. If he cant fight now to keep put us back together. What makes you think he'll do the work to keep it together. I refuse to spend my life fighting for this marriage. I want to one day be able to just enjoy some of the benefits of it. It's high time I stop this madness. Like I told him via text. If he wants a R or to at least try. He can tell it to the judge. He has tried twice to call i declined both times. I texted him , what's good ? No reply. Which lets me know you have nothing really to say. You cant talk face to face. You cant talk via text. Bump that. Knowing I plan now to file, wouldn't you say something ? Everything always has to be on his terms. Unh uh not anymore. He left me remember. Balls in my court now. Keep in mind ive spent 19 yrs of my life with this man. Life is too short. I refuse to waste another moment.


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## catch22gofigure

I will do this then. I will continue to come here for support and companionship during the divorce. I have grown to really like each of you though don't know one another. It makes mefeel good to know I have been an influence on either of you. I love helping people. So i will do that much. Like I told Lost before. If I find its a bit much for me then I will PM my email address. To you all here. It's only a handful of us who post here anyway. Is that fair enough to you all ?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What is different today?


I feel I need to let him go Tron. He will not get the gist of this with us playing house out of two houses. Nobody's hurting in this but me. He is cool , calm., collected, and still not talking about shii. I don't want to be one of those couples separated for 10yrs then pop up with a thread talking about, AFTER 20 YRS MY H CAME HOME. ..unh uhh bump that. I would be good with a , ok lets try...lets see, give it this long. I get none of that. He said he was done...all I have is his word and mere actions. I can noe focus solely on me. With no.interference or false expectations. Its been 6 months next week. Communication is my deal breaker.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I will do this then. I will continue to come here for support and companionship during the divorce. I have grown to really like each of you though don't know one another. It makes mefeel good to know I have been an influence on either of you. I love helping people. So i will do that much. Like I told Lost before. If I find its a bit much for me then I will PM my email address. To you all here. It's only a handful of us who post here anyway. Is that fair enough to you all ?


That sounds fair enough to me Catch  Glad you decided to stay here, you've been a great support to us all


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I feel I need to let him go Tron. He will not get the gist of this with us playing house out of two houses. Nobody's hurting in this but me. He is cool , calm., collected, and still not talking about shii. I don't want to be one of those couples separated for 10yrs then pop up with a thread talking about, AFTER 20 YRS MY H CAME HOME. ..unh uhh bump that. I would be good with a , ok lets try...lets see, give it this long. I get none of that. He said he was done...all I have is his word and mere actions. I can noe focus solely on me. With no.interference or false expectations. Its been 6 months next week. Communication is my deal breaker.


6 months isn't long at all, but 6 months waiting round for them is a lifetime! The first time my husband left, he came back after 8 months! I'd moved on by then and reluctantly had him back for the sake of my son who was only 8 at the time. I fell in love with him all over again, but it took years to get to that feeling again. This time though I'm going to do it differently! I'm not going to wait around for him, I'm going to get on with my life and if he decides to return then I'll see how I feel at that time.
Something inside me tells me that he is coming back one day! I'm not going to sit still waiting for him to return though, not if it's going to be 8 months! I'll start sorting out the house, putting his things out of sight and moving forward!
Remember that link I sent you? I'm going to start doing some things on that link 
Good luck Catch, whatever you decide to do in the future  Don't forget Jonah though, if God is stopping you from doing this then don't fight it because he'll find a way for you that is the right way  See you on here soon, yeyy!!


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## catch22gofigure

You all really made a sista feel the love <3 !! Now if God lay on me that im wrong. I'll indeed obey. I think though that He would lay on him the need to do what it takes. I've been praying for him as well. Im not angry with him in the least. I just think after careful thought,consideration, and more than enough time. This is my braking point.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> You all really made a sista feel the love <3 !! Now if God lay on me that im wrong. I'll indeed obey. I think though that He would lay on him the need to do what it takes. I've been praying for him as well. Im not angry with him in the least. I just think after careful thought,consideration, and more than enough time. This is my braking point.


I've been praying for my H as well  I've just been saying show him your love lord and wrap your arms around him and comfort him. I want to see my H get back into going to church, because at the mo he is so far removed from it. Another bad influence from his friends, that and the swearing! My H hardly ever swore around me, but now he does it all the time! Not in temper, but it just casually slips out!
Feeling a bit depressed tonight, for no real reason. On top of that my MIL rang. We had a chat and my H's name didn't even come up. I know to stay clear now of that subject  I still felt though that she was the last person I wanted to talk to because of the way I was feeling. I acted all cheerful and happy on the phone so she wouldn't suspect anything 
I've still had a good day today though, despite feeling low


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I've been praying for my H as well  I've just been saying show him your love lord and wrap your arms around him and comfort him. I want to see my H get back into going to church, because at the mo he is so far removed from it. Another bad influence from his friends, that and the swearing! My H hardly ever swore around me, but now he does it all the time! Not in temper, but it just casually slips out!
> Feeling a bit depressed tonight, for no real reason. On top of that my MIL rang. We had a chat and my H's name didn't even come up. I know to stay clear now of that subject  I still felt though that she was the last person I wanted to talk to because of the way I was feeling. I acted all cheerful and happy on the phone so she wouldn't suspect anything
> I've still had a good day today though, despite feeling low


That's the spirit..make the best of each day no matter what.


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## Finding Nemo

I haven't been able to get online today. My daughter is home with me and she is using the laptop to play video games. I worked in the yard and went shopping for fruit and cheese a bit ago. I sent a text to my husband asking him if it would be okay to being the fruit and cheese tomorrow. He said Yes. The reason I got these particular items is this is what I would have brought before as a snack for the car ride. I am really nervous and so I am trying to ease into this as if nothing is wrong....for my daughter's sake. I am hoping all of my breathing techniques and all of my training over the past 5 months kicks in when necessary. I am off to watch a movie with my daughter. Then it should be bed time. I got some lavender earlier. A hot bath with lavender is on my list for today before bed time too. Hope you are all doing well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I haven't been able to get online today. My daughter is home with me and she is using the laptop to play video games. I worked in the yard and went shopping for fruit and cheese a bit ago. I sent a text to my husband asking him if it would be okay to being the fruit and cheese tomorrow. He said Yes. The reason I got these particular items is this is what I would have brought before as a snack for the car ride. I am really nervous and so I am trying to ease into this as if nothing is wrong....for my daughter's sake. I am hoping all of my breathing techniques and all of my training over the past 5 months kicks in when necessary. I am off to watch a movie with my daughter. Then it should be bed time. I got some lavender earlier. A hot bath with lavender is on my list for today before bed time too. Hope you are all doing well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Relax just be yourself, remember all you've learned and breathe !


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## catch22gofigure

Well he's still calling. He's not only calling he's drunk and calling. And im so ticked right now because see how he acts if I try to just finish things, That takes more energy to do than a conversation ! This man is playing games that. I am too old for. Yes I've done some crazy stuff for a long while; but (BIG BUT ) look at the whole picture, FOR BETTER OR WORSE. . The vows we both took. When worse took over in my world. He decides this is too much to handle ?? Oh no,This communication thing is huge in any marriage. I'm not asking for something that no other marriage requires, right? This is a marital necessity. 7 phone calls today, 3 texts, 2 calls in to the D....but you just cant spit out a percentage of what you feel or where you stand with your marriage. See i know this dude all too well. This man WANTS me to be begging, crying, moaning, and so on i guess. Not gonna happen. This is not about me giving up. It's about me doing what's best for me, finally. Not to reach or obtain a certain thing . I've been with this man ages. For the most part there's manipulative things that could be done to have us back together. At my sacrifice. I could move in with him. I could beg and cry and go on. I don't want that. I refuse to fix it. WE can fix it but not I ...not this time. Im fixing me ! He being unable to work on things with me and being unable to talk is toxic . Him refusing to change only leaves me with the option to end the marriage. I'm sure there's not a therapist alive who will tell me I can begin to heal dealing with someone like this. Is that too not a sign of co dependency in him ? He's depending on me to fix this because he knows I van. No buddy, I'm fixing ME because finally, I know I can. :soapbox:
Sorry guys had to vent before I finally answer one of these calls and let him have it. I'm sticking to my changes and won't react any further. Than i already have by telling him I'm filing. But I'm standing firm, my life and sanity depends on it


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Sorry guys had to vent before I finally answer one of these calls and let him have it. I'm sticking to my changes and won't react any further. Than i already have by telling him I'm filing. But I'm standing firm, my life and sanity depends on it




What ever you do, do not answer his calls right now. Especially if he has been drinking. That is the worst time to talk to anyone. He's upset and not thinking clearly. If you talk to him he is not going to hear a word you are saying any way. Maybe later tomorrow or on Monday he will be settled down enough for you to be able to talk, but I would stick to the no contact until he calms down some. If you have to, turn your phone off for a little while. Do what ever you have to do just don't make contact with him no matter how annoying the phone gets. I am off to bed soon. I will pray for the both of you.


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## lostwithouthim

I'll have a look at the posts later, I'm at church at the mo  just wanted to come on to wish nemo good luck for today and hope you enjoy yourselves 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> What ever you do, do not answer his calls right now. Especially if he has been drinking. That is the worst time to talk to anyone. He's upset and not thinking clearly. If you talk to him he is not going to hear a word you are saying any way. Maybe later tomorrow or on Monday he will be settled down enough for you to be able to talk, but I would stick to the no contact until he calms down some. If you have to, turn your phone off for a little while. Do what ever you have to do just don't make contact with him no matter how annoying the phone gets. I am off to bed soon. I will pray for the both of you.


I agree with Nemo, Catch  Put your phone on silent, don't listen to his voice or text messages - just delete them! He may calm down after a couple of days and be ready to talk like 2 adults. You need to both sit down and discuss everything from what went wrong in the marriage to how to go from here. Your filing so what's the difference what you hear now. At least then you'll know what to work on for yourself and your H and then you can both move on with your lives. I would delay the divorce though until you've both had a chance to sit down and talk about things.
When my H talked about divorce, I said well you might've moved on, but I haven't. This is probably how your H feels, even though he's the one that left you! 
I read that if you move on without really knowing what the issues are, you will make the same mistakes as you did in your recent marriage.
Hope you have a better day today


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I'll have a look at the posts later, I'm at church at the mo  just wanted to come on to wish nemo good luck for today and hope you enjoy yourselves
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Could I fly over and go to church with you instead? The long flight, cramped quarters and going through customs would be soo much easier. I feel like I am about to embark on one of the biggest "theory tests" of all times and I won't even get to see my grade at the end of it. 

I am really scared. I am praying my words are gentle and guided, my actions are meaningful and heartfelt, and that my unconditional love and dedication to my husband and my family can be felt and seen by everyone including my husband. 

Got to run...I'll be thinking about you guys. Catch, I agree with Lost about having the conversation with your husband. Go with what you feel you need to go with, but at least get it all out there on the table so that everyone is clear on what's going on and why. It is true that if you just walk away with the things are the way they are right now that you are just going to take your problems with you. 

All of the uncertainty with my husband is the exact reason why I struggle so much. My husband and I have moved mountains together in the past so it's hard for me to get past the fact that we are facing a mole hill compared to everything else in our past and we can't even get the shovel in the dirt. I am hoping today will be that day.

You guys are in my thoughts and prayers....


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## lostwithouthim

Good luck Nemo, may God guide you and protect you in everything you do today  You're more than welcome to fly over here and come to church with me, lol 
I'm glad you agree with me about Catch, everything I say to you guys I say from my heart 
Hope today brings you closer to your H and his FIL and I hope the shovel has a go at that molehill today 
Looking forward to hearing all about it later, I'm sure you're going to have a great time 
Blessings and peace be with you guys today and always


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## catch22gofigure

Listening to Fantasia's Sometimes ya gotta lose to win again....this song explains me so well right now.....take a listen on you tube girls if ya can...then you'll know where im at at the moment. ..good day all !!:

Did ya get a chance to listen ?


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Listening to Fantasia's Sometimes ya gotta lose to win again....this song explains me so well right now.....take a listen on you tube girls if ya can...then you'll know where im at at the moment. ..good day all !!:


Yeah I get it  That's how I'm feeling at the mo as well, but I'm not giving him what he wants and that's a divorce! Too much hurt and misery and it's only been nearly 2 months (already!). I'm going to carry on moving forward and see where it takes me  It's the hope that is keeping me going, that one day he may notice the changes that I've made in my life and in me and decides he wants the new me  Of course I still stand by my word, he's got to change as well!
Have a good day Catch and come on here to vent all you like, we're here for you


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Yeah I get it  That's how I'm feeling at the mo as well, but I'm not giving him what he wants and that's a divorce! Too much hurt and misery and it's only been nearly 2 months (already!). I'm going to carry on moving forward and see where it takes me  It's the hope that is keeping me going, that one day he may notice the changes that I've made in my life and in me and decides he wants the new me  Of course I still stand by my word, he's got to change as well!
> Have a good day Catch and come on here to vent all you like, we're here for you


You guys should come join me. I am sitting in the middle of a parking lot waiting....my husband is over an hour late. My daughter's friend has called already and is wondering what the deal is. Not sure how much longer I will wait here. Not even so much as a text to say he's on his way or anything. I called and he said he'd be 15 minutes. I guess in man minutes that equals an hour? So scared and now frustrated. Glad I am not in this alone. Thank you guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Nemo, I'm there in spirit  Hope he turns up soon  That's men for you, grrrrr. They always moan at us for taking our time when we go out, but they're the ones who have to mess around at the last minute, whilst you're waiting in the car, lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree with Nemo, Catch  Put your phone on silent, don't listen to his voice or text messages - just delete them! He may calm down after a couple of days and be ready to talk like 2 adults. You need to both sit down and discuss everything from what went wrong in the marriage to how to go from here. Your filing so what's the difference what you hear now. At least then you'll know what to work on for yourself and your H and then you can both move on with your lives. I would delay the divorce though until you've both had a chance to sit down and talk about things.
> When my H talked about divorce, I said well you might've moved on, but I haven't. This is probably how your H feels, even though he's the one that left you!
> I read that if you move on without really knowing what the issues are, you will make the same mistakes as you did in your recent marriage.
> Hope you have a better day today


I hear ya. Im very vocal though. Always have been. So he knows these things. What I don't know is his side of it. That's how I know, i'd be holding onto nothing if I continued to hold on and fight as I have been before. Im still doing the same things change wise. It's for me though not the marriage. He's been by and calling as well today. Hands all over me ....ugghh so disrespectful I feel. I can't settle for just this. I deserve more. So I have to do what I have to do. I've told him this too today in rejecting his advances for sex. That I cant go om being his ___ck buddy. He got ticked and was like ok , but you tripping. This man is truly done you guys. All attention someone gives you is not good attention. I've just had to live and learn that. Every step I take as I walk up the steps to that court house Tuesday is gonna literally rip me to pieces. But I have to take us both off the fence. He doesn't value this marriage. So why would he care about staying separated for eternity? I think he just does not want to be the one who said they ended it all. He wants that burden to be on me. Well i've been blamed for other things before. May as well take one more for the team.

He went and bought meat to marinate for tomorrow's bbq at my house. I did not plan to bbq. This is all his doing and im just supposed to follow suit ? How does he know that I don't have plans already ? Arrogance. He thinks I feel that I will be available to him should he ever change his mind. Well im here to serve notice that i won't. I cooked him breakfast and his coffee just the way he likes it this morning when he came by. Doesn't change a thing though. Im just as done as he is now. Only he has the power to change that. If he can't muster up that strength, then I will have to keep with plan A and put a stop to this charade.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> You guys should come join me. I am sitting in the middle of a parking lot waiting....my husband is over an hour late. My daughter's friend has called already and is wondering what the deal is. Not sure how much longer I will wait here. Not even so much as a text to say he's on his way or anything. I called and he said he'd be 15 minutes. I guess in man minutes that equals an hour? So scared and now frustrated. Glad I am not in this alone. Thank you guys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Awww just try and remain patient with him. Maybe he didn't prepare himself the night before. Hope things turn around soon. I don't want it to ruin your day.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Awww just try and remain patient with him. Maybe he didn't prepare himself the night before. Hope things turn around soon. I don't want it to ruin your day.



You got that right. He was nearly 1 1/2 hours late. On the road now. Feeling weird, but doing okay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He went and bought meat to marinate for tomorrow's bbq at my house. I did not plan to bbq. This is all his doing and im just supposed to follow suit ? How does he know that I don't have plans already ? Arrogance. He thinks I feel that I will be available to him should he ever change his mind. Well im here to serve notice that i won't. I cooked him breakfast and his coffee just the way he likes it this morning when he came by. Doesn't change a thing though. Im just as done as he is now. Only he has the power to change that. If he can't muster up that strength, then I will have to keep with plan A and put a stop to this charade.


Well done  You go girl  I agree, how does he know that you've not made plans? Quick make some, lol  We've got a week holiday here and I've got the whole week planned so my H cannot just stop by  He's quite good really, apart from turning up early last Tuesday - that was a first!
It's good though that he plans to have a BBQ at your house, considering he doesn't want to live there anymore. If my H turned up with some marinated meat and said he wanted a bbq, I think I'd die of shock, lol. My H never takes the lead like that, though I suppose there's a first for everything 
He's off to the dentist on Tuesday so I'm expecting him to pop round then. We'll be out Tuesday afternoon, so he might not find us at home 
Glad you're still treating the situation as normal  Like you said, it's up to him now to stop the divorce if he values the marriage


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Maybe he didn't prepare himself the night before.


Now that's more like a man, lol  You've got an exception there Catch, actually arranging stuff AND getting it prepared! lol. You know what! It's just made me realise that I was always the one who arranged everything! 
Hope you're getting on ok Nemo


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Now that's more like a man, lol  You've got an exception there Catch, actually arranging stuff AND getting it prepared! lol. You know what! It's just made me realise that I was always the one who arranged everything!
> Hope you're getting on ok Nemo


I think hes starting to realize I am not playing with him this time. I told him just what i told y'all. That itll hurt me like heck with each step I take going. In that courthouse. But I gotta do what's best for me. We'll see though how things go after this bbq. Right now he's cingy. Im not going for it. ...pray for me you all. Im being real calm about everything though.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Good luck Nemo, may God guide you and protect you in everything you do today  You're more than welcome to fly over here and come to church with me, lol
> I'm glad you agree with me about Catch, everything I say to you guys I say from my heart
> Hope today brings you closer to your H and his FIL and I hope the shovel has a go at that molehill today
> Looking forward to hearing all about it later, I'm sure you're going to have a great time
> Blessings and peace be with you guys today and always


Thanks you all. Im litte by little speaking with him on things. Not making much process..but like I said we'll see. Hope you have a blast Nemo !!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Good luck Nemo, may God guide you and protect you in everything you do today  You're more than welcome to fly over here and come to church with me, lol
> I'm glad you agree with me about Catch, everything I say to you guys I say from my heart
> Hope today brings you closer to your H and his FIL and I hope the shovel has a go at that molehill today
> Looking forward to hearing all about it later, I'm sure you're going to have a great time
> Blessings and peace be with you guys today and always


Thanks you all. Im litte by little speaking with him on things. Not making much process..but like I said we'll see. Hope you have a blast Nemo !! Y'all know he got lil issues. Don't want to overwhelm him.


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## catch22gofigure

He keeps saying things like you're my wife ! And why shouldn't I this or that that's what married people do. I replied uhhh, but were separated. ..then crickets from him..so little baby steps. He better learn to walk real fast though. Tuesday is not far off.


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## catch22gofigure

I have to hear him commit to the work this will take. Because it indeed will take lots of work.


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## catch22gofigure

He keeps saying things like you're my wife ! And why shouldn't I this or that that's what married people do. I replied uhhh, but were separated. ..then crickets from him..so little baby steps. He better learn to walk real fast though. Tuesday is not far off.


He didn't fail to mention though that the gym is doing me good. ...he found a way to say that though


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He keeps saying things like you're my wife ! And why shouldn't I this or that that's what married people do. I replied uhhh, but were separated. ..then crickets from him..so little baby steps. He better learn to walk real fast though. Tuesday is not far off.
> 
> 
> He didn't fail to mention though that the gym is doing me good. ...he found a way to say that though


Sounds like progress  Once divorce is mentioned, they seem to up their game if they really do not want to lose you. Hope you have a great day Catch  I'm off out to a carnival today and the sun is shining, yeyyy!
Nemo, I'm still waiting to hear all about your day yesterday, I'm on tenterhooks here


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Nemo, I'm still waiting to hear all about your day yesterday, I'm on tenterhooks here



Well, it started out slow...went okay...then really good...then really awesome...and then I went and screwed up.  

Started out slow because my husband was late. He had to get gas, get a car wash, and then drive from one place to another. It was really quiet in the car at first. We had one of our daughter's friend with us. So, get this...my phone goes off and it's you guys. I was like...thank you God because the tension in the car you would have needed a chain saw to cut through it. That's when I sent you guys the text saying we are on our way. My husband gets all antsy and wants to know who I am texting. I told him it was my friend and they just wanted to check on me so I was sending them a message back. He says oh...You have a new friend? And I said, yes. I have several news friends. And he said...Oh. Well, then my phone goes off again and it's my neighbor. She usually calls to check on me on Sundays. So, I told her I was with my husband and could she check on the dog for me. This causes my husband to get a bit tense because now this is two times in a row that people are checking on me. I told him it was my neighbor the second time and I explained to him that this was her weekly ritual. Sometimes I would go to her house. Sometimes I stay home. That seemed to settle him down for a bit. But then, about an hour later or so you guys sent a bunch of messages down and he starts freaking out because he is not used to so much going on with my phone. LOL...if he only knew who I was talking to and why. 

It went okay once we arrived at our destination. The girls went off to play some games and ride some rides. My husband stayed with me and we just walked around for a bit. Notice I said the girls went away and we were alone? So, the girls came back and they wanted to try this maze...it was hard. It was more of an extreme obstacle course three stories off of the ground. The girls tired it, but decided they had enough of it real quick. So, they went to do some other stuff. My husband stuck with it all the way to the end. On the really hard parts I gave him encouragement and cheered him on. When he finished he kept fishing for compliments which I was more than willing to hand out because I was IMPRESSED to say the least. 

Things started to go from good to awesome. We went on these paddle boats just my husband and I on one boat. The girls on the other. We were on those things forever chasing this HUMONGOUS fish. The girls decided to go do some other stuff and left my husband and I all by ourselves. He asked if I was ready to go in with the girls or did I want to hang out with him. So, I hung out with him. The entire day went like this.

FIL and the other people did not show up and this hurt our daughters feelings. But, FIL did show up for dinner. Which was AWESOME. I usually put my hand on my husbands leg at dinner and he let me do it. So, I thought I would test a theory out and I took my hand a bit farther north than just his thigh. He let me keep my hand there though most of dinner. 

So...now its getting really late so we start heading back home. We drop off our daughter's friend. She lives near this really nice lake, so I asked if we could drive by the lake and look at it. I was hoping there wouldn't be very many people there. Our daughter was asleep so I thought...let me test another theory and so he agreed to go to the lake. I asked if he wanted to walk around, but there were a lot of people around so he said he would rather sit in the car if that was okay. It is nearly 3am so I agreed this would be best. Well, this is were things start to go bad. I put my hand on my husband's thigh and let my hands wonder just like I did in the restaurant. He never asked me to stop or move my hand or anything. So, we sat and talked for a bit and then I tried to kiss him. Not a little peck, I mean a good old you are my husband and I am your wife kind of kiss. He wasn't too sure at first. But, then sort of gave in. So, I tried again and this time he kissed me really good...and then pulled his back and said "I don't know." So, I pulled myself back in and said it's okay. We can drive to my car now. So, he started to leave and I said..Wait, I have to make sure of something. So I tried to kiss him again and he couldn't kiss me at all. This hurt SOOOOOO bad. I held myself together and touch him on his cheek and told him it's okay. So...now we are on our way to my car and I felt the say I was sorry. And he says Sorry for what? And I said for over stepping your boundaries. He said you don't have to be sorry. I told him that I feel bad now because it feels like I was trying to make him do something he didn't want to do. We drove in silence for a really long time and then I said...Wow! It really must be bad. And he said...what must be bad. And I said how low your feelings toward me are. He said I never said that. He said hopefully today wasn't about just this? I said no. This was an awesome day and it just feels right the three of us being together and so I wanted to try and connect with him and let him know that I am still here and I am still willing to be married and do everything it takes to succeed. He said he knows and I don't have to be sorry for trying to connect with him. I asked him if he still loves me and he says of course I do. Then I asked him if felt mad at me when he pulled away from me and he said no. I asked him if he could explain what he was feeling then and he said...today was an awesome day filled with a ton of great memories. Let's not ruin it. 

By this time we reached my car and I got out to put all of my daughter's stuff into the car. I didn't say a word. He got our daughter out of his car and put her into my car. She was still asleep. So then I was getting ready to get in my car and he reached out for a hug. I gave him a hug and he hugged me really tight. I went to kiss him a little tiny peck and I saw tears in his eyes. I said I love you and thank you for a wonderful day. He said the feeling is mutual. Then I started my car and he turned around real quick. He asked if we had plans for tomorrow and I said I didn't think so. He asked if he could have our daughter tomorrow to take her swimming. I said we would have to wait and see what's going on as he had mentioned some kind of thing he was doing earlier tomorrow in the day time. So...

that's pretty much that in a nutshell. Now it will go for who knows how long before I will hear from him again. There's no other holidays or birthdays or anything like that until July 4th. So, chances are it will be back to same old 10 minutes a week of seeing him or less because he isn't going to be keeping our daughter on the weekends for a while so he can get more of his punishment hours taken care of. He asked me to remind him Tuesday that he has to call to get his classes started as well. 

I know this is really long, but I need to include one more thing so that you understand more about today's events. The friend that was with us today is from a home that has had domestic violence charges on her dad back at the end of last year. Then her mom went to jail for domestic violence on her husband. The are poster children for what domestic violence looks like in every sense of the words. Our daughter's friend got really upset today because she was thinking about how bad her family is messed up and how happy we seemed to be as a family. I wish she could have been a fly on the wall to see what happened later after she was dropped off home. Sigh...After today I know for 100% that I love this guy with all of my heart. Now to make sense of today / tonight....sigh.....


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## catch22gofigure

T


lostwithouthim said:


> Sounds like progress  Once divorce is mentioned, they seem to up their game if they really do not want to lose you. Hope you have a great day Catch  I'm off out to a carnival today and the sun is shining, yeyyy!
> Nemo, I'm still waiting to hear all about your day yesterday, I'm on tenterhooks here


 We'll see Lost, you know this guy here is reeeaaall different. Im excited about IC coming up this week. I did kinda off my heels going this route with him but dangit im fed up. So along with my realization of that, and I buy my book tomorrow we'll see what today brings. Its either today or its a wrap really. Have fun at the carnival today. It's Memorial Day here so he's bbq'ing. He's really good at that. So im looking forward to thefood . Still kinda baffled that he never asked me if it was ok.


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## catch22gofigure

Nemo that sounds like a really great day to me . He was connected with youball day. Even kissed and let those lil wandering hands of yours have their way. Being that you all were together all day. He was possibly in overload. That's how they do. Come so close then get scared and get distant all of a sudden. It just happens that you experienced it all atb one time. Yesterday will give him something to think about until you all meet again. There may not be another holiday coming up soon, but that doesn't mean yesterdays time won't prompt him to want to spend more time with you. Just have to be patient to see what unfolds. I for one don't think you messed up. You took a shot. Mostly successful. The rejection of that last kiss is what is bugging you. I know that feeling and it doesn't feel good. Just relax. Release those feelings and start again my friend. Sorry we got ya in trouble filling up the thread. Girl next time silence that ohone hun...no distraction.


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## catch22gofigure

I really hate auto correct , just thought i'd add that. I assure you all that I can spell ( I have several plaques from national spelling bees to prove it...lol ) I use my phone for TAM...and auto correct is really a pain at times.


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## lostwithouthim

Nemo, sounds like you had an awesome family day out  I can't even get my H to come round for a pizza and movie night! You guys are so lucky, even though they are still distant with you. At least they're coming round and spending some family time with you  My son is starting to miss his dad taking him out on Sundays, last week my H had a job and this week he had an infection in his tooth. I rang him when we were on the bus on the way to see the carnival and he was still in bed! That was 10.30am! I was going to invite him to come with us, but i just said sorry I'll phone later. I've still not phoned, I can't be bothered at the moment


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## catch22gofigure

I dont know how to read this or really what to do. Today has been filled with more of the im your husband your my wife stuff, bunch of azz smack attacks, touchy feely acts and so on. He cut the grass and some other stuff to prep for the bbq. Im just hoping that he is not looking for me to read this as an act to hold off on my plans. I mean this is all well and good; it's still just not enough for me though. I don't want to discourage more of this...but this is not enough to stop me. It's all to familiar as his make up dance. This time though. He has his own apt, there is a lot of unresolved issues, this is just not sufficient. Lost idk what's worse. Having a husband who just wont come around or one that's always there but you cant get any answers....sighs. im gonna make the best of this day;but this. is weighing on me heavy


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## lostwithouthim

Catch, Having a H who doesn't come around and sends you mixed messages is worse! He rang me up tonight and said I thought you were ringing me back. I told him I'd been busy and he askes what we'd been doing. I told him about the carnival and the entertainment and asked about his tooth. It was just general chit chat which was nice, but he said a couple of things that made me think - oh he really has made his mind up and he's not coming back! IDK, maybe because he's not been round for a few days it's more of out of sight, out of mind and not absence makes the heart grow fonder. I still miss him like crazy and it's especially hard when you're doing family stuff without him there.
Sounds like you're having a good day though Catch  Just enjoy his company and welcome any attention you get from him. Remember I went through this when he asked for a massage a couple of weeks ago. Now I get, I'll be popping round during the week to see our son. Well we're not changing any plans just because he decides to "pop round".
I really don't know the answer to your situation Catch as you seem determined to go through divorce. I understand where you are coming from, he's sending you mixed messages and won't commit to anything. He obviously wants you, that much is certain  You don't think that he doesn't want to move back in because of what people would say? I know that would be at the forefront of my H's mind as he is sensitive to what people are saying about him. Has he ever told you why he doesn't want to move back into the family home? I know you've probably told me already but sometimes I can't keep up because of all the different stories on here 
Enjoy the rest of your day and speak to you soon


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> T
> Im excited about IC coming up this week. I did kinda off my heels going this route with him but dangit im fed up.


Catch, how well I can relate to this. In the past 5 months since my husband has been gone...I have had a counselor tell me to tell him either talk or walk before a certain date. I didn't do that, but my daughter told my husband about it and everyone flipped out on me. This was when he would not to me what so ever. 

A few weeks later I told my husband that he needed to decide if we are doing this together or separate. I said if we are doing separate then we needed to just get it over with because either way we are going to get hurt and lose everything. So...why put it off. I told him I would be waiting for an answer.

A few weeks later I told my husband I wanted an answer. Am I his friend or his wife because I need to know what I am doing. I said friend behave different from wives and if I am his friend then we needed to get headed down that path and stop with hugging and saying I love you. He asked me to give him some time. He said he was trying. 

I found out about his apartment and I told him he needed to make up his mind what we were doing. He tells me there's no us because he can't trust me. I go an apply for assistance and I talk to a mediator. He gets pissed about the application for assistance and he was really struggling with the mediator. I was going to go through with it because I need him to start making decisions. They stopped it because they felt he was too angry and not in the right frame of mind for this type of meeting. He was relieved. Then a couple of days later a lady calls because she said we had an appointment the next day. She wasn't informed of the cancellation. So, I call my husband and tell him that they made a mistake at their office. Again...he was freaking out and then relieved when I told him there was nothing to worry about. 

So...I guess you are right. Sometimes you have to light a fire under their behind in order to get results. But, you have to be willing to go through with it. I have had a lot of road blocks thrown in my way so I guess I should take that as meaning to just sit back and be supportive the best I can no matter how rough this gets. 

I will be saying a prayer that you are guided to the correct path tomorrow.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I dont know how to read this or really what to do. Today has been filled with more of the im your husband your my wife stuff, bunch of azz smack attacks, touchy feely acts and so on. He cut the grass and some other stuff to prep for the bbq. Im just hoping that he is not looking for me to read this as an act to hold off on my plans. I mean this is all well and good; it's still just not enough for me though.



Having gone through the touchy feeling thing yesterday I kind of understand what your husband is saying. However, the way that he says you are my wife so I am allowed to do it really bugs me. Had my husband asked me to stop yesterday I would have been crushed even more than I was. But, I would have never told him that I can do it because he is my husband. I was doing it for me and for him. I wanted to know what kind of connection is still there between us. When I went into this yesterday I had a theory. I had a feeling there was a deeper connection that my husband was letting onto. I still don't understand why when I do make the effort to connect with him he goes away with tears in his eyes. I don't know how to read it. I want to say that he is going away with tears because he is sad that he can't have what he wants. But then again what if it tears or sorrow because things really are done and he doesn't want them to be? Definitely food for thought when I meet my counselor on Wednesday.

I am looking forward to hearing from you after you visit your IC soon.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Nemo that sounds like a really great day to me . He was connected with youball day. Even kissed and let those lil wandering hands of yours have their way. Being that you all were together all day. He was possibly in overload. That's how they do. Come so close then get scared and get distant all of a sudden. It just happens that you experienced it all atb one time. Yesterday will give him something to think about until you all meet again. There may not be another holiday coming up soon, but that doesn't mean yesterdays time won't prompt him to want to spend more time with you. Just have to be patient to see what unfolds. I for one don't think you messed up. You took a shot. Mostly successful. The rejection of that last kiss is what is bugging you. I know that feeling and it doesn't feel good. Just relax. Release those feelings and start again my friend. Sorry we got ya in trouble filling up the thread. Girl next time silence that ohone hun...no distraction.



LOL...I am glad that I didn't silence my phone. I thought it was hilarious to give him a taste of his own medicine for a change. You don't know how many times in the past I have had to "guess" who he was talking to. I did leave my phone in the car once we got there. 

Oh you bet the rejection of that last kiss is bugging me. My heart and soul feel like they have taken a serious beating. I knew I would have problems after spending so much time with my husband. But, I didn't think it would be this bad. 

The only thing that is helping me at the moment is the thought that maybe he was overloaded. And maybe he wasn't' sure what to do because he wasn't sure how far I was willing to push things. Which wasn't passed kissing him. Our daughter was with us and there were a lot of people camping around us. So...not much else was going to happen. 

I hope you are right about this sticking in his mind. I hope the situation with our daughter's friend will stick in his mind, too. It really was bugging him that he parents are both so evil and vindictive toward each other. It's really bothering him that she was has lost everything she has even known...including the family home and all of her friends. May he remember this and apply this to our situation. How could he think so badly for the friend and not his own daughter?


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> My son is starting to miss his dad taking him out on Sundays.



My husband is starting to get nervous about not getting in his time for his court punishment so we had a talk yesterday about the possibility of his visitation changing for a little while. I am okay with this. My daughter will have some problems with the adjustment, but I will deal with her. As for my husband, maybe if our daughter isn't with him staying over as much he will start to miss her and it will be incentive enough to get this over with quicker. It will mean I won't be seeing him as much either, but hopefully I have touched him enough ( no pun intended :rofl: ) that I will be in the back his mind as well as our daughter.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> My husband is starting to get nervous about not getting in his time for his court punishment so we had a talk yesterday about the possibility of his visitation changing for a little while. I am okay with this. My daughter will have some problems with the adjustment, but I will deal with her. As for my husband, maybe if our daughter isn't with him staying over as much he will start to miss her and it will be incentive enough to get this over with quicker. It will mean I won't be seeing him as much either, but hopefully I have touched him enough ( no pun intended :rofl: ) that I will be in the back his mind as well as our daughter.


Nemo, do you know about the love deposits or did you miss that when we were talking about it? You have put some more love deposits in his bank this weekend and he's going to be thinking about that 
I would try and keep you and your daughter separate in his affections. I've learnt that my H is not going to come back for the sake of his son. When he hasn't seen his son for a few days, he will miss his son and not me. Your H might feel bad about the situation with your daughter's friend and the situation with your family, it will probably make him feel guilty about this. Your H is at least trying to amend things by taking his "punishment". Is he also going to anger management?
Nemo, you have to think about yourself more and look after yourself and your daughter. I know it's hard, but you can't be thinking what is my H doing at the moment all day. Use this time to improve yourself and your home. He might not be in the family home at the moment, but one day he will hopefully come back and if he sees you've done some ways to improve your living space, then I'm sure that'll make him happy 
I've been reading this book "hope for the separated" and I just want to share some things I read in it.
It says to always show him love, not physical love but shower him with compliments. Ask him if he needs anything at the moment and ask him how you can provide that need for him. I don't think this will include money, but I can't afford to keep giving my H money all the time. Don't criticise him, give him praise. Don't dwell on the past but look towards the future. I can't remember the rest of it, but it is a good read and worth getting  The most important act of love is learn to trust him again. Build up that trust whilst he is apart from you and it will be easier to trust him when he hopefully comes home 
Catch, may God's blessings pour down on you this day and you do the right thing by you and your husband


----------



## Finding Nemo

UGH! What a horrible night this is. Both my daughter and I are having some problems with being alone again. She is acting up and I am really struggling with keeping it all together. I am really asking myself why I am putting up with this. I asked her if she wants to go live with her dad so that she won't have to deal with not hearing from him and she said no because then no one would be with her when he has to work so she would alone any way. She's been kind of a hermit the past couple of weeks so I am going to have to work on some how getting her out of the house. I miss my husband like crazy right now and I know my daughter does too. How can he not be effected by all of this like we are? Sigh.....


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> UGH! What a horrible night this is. Both my daughter and I are having some problems with being alone again. She is acting up and I am really struggling with keeping it all together. I am really asking myself why I am putting up with this. I asked her if she wants to go live with her dad so that she won't have to deal with not hearing from him and she said no because then no one would be with her when he has to work so she would alone any way. She's been kind of a hermit the past couple of weeks so I am going to have to work on some how getting her out of the house. I miss my husband like crazy right now and I know my daughter does too. How can he not be effected by all of this like we are? Sigh.....


How do you know he's not affected by all of this? He is probably struggling just as much as you are  
Both you and your daughter need to find things to do together and go out more together. You don't have to invite her friends to go with you all the time and it doesn't have to be expensive. Does your Church do things in the holidays or social activities in the evening? They're normally cheap and will give you something to do  *What is stopping you going out?*
I always have something planned every day when we're on holiday. I collect leaflets whenever we go anywhere and mark down events on my calendar 
I also do a search on the internet such as - "free events in -----" or "free museums in -----". If there isn't anywhere in my hometown, then I look for things to do in the nearest town. You ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you I'm always busy out doing something  I don't want my son to be spending all of his day on his games console, which is why we go out, at least for a couple of hours!
I'm sorry if I'm stating the obvious here, I'm just trying to help


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Your H is at least trying to amend things by taking his
> I've been reading this book "hope for the separated" and I just want to share some things I read in it.
> 
> The most important act of love is learn to trust him again. Build up that trust whilst he is apart from you and it will be easier to trust him when he hopefully comes home
> 
> Catch, may God's blessings pour down on you this day and you do the right thing by you and your husband



Yes, I am familiar with Love deposits. That is something Gary Chapman talks about quite frequently. Yes, I do believe that he is carrying some guilt within himself because he has mentioned things to me about feeling bad for our daughter for one reason or another and I agree with him and say...yes, we have put her through a lot. I always make sure that I am included in that answer because this wasn't just his fault. 

No. He doesn't have to do anger management. They use a special chart / test to determine just how much help you need. My husband scored extremely low which is where you want to be in this situation. In fact, here is an odd thing...his scores where so low that they he qualified to not have to have the classes at all. But they threw in the factor that our daughter was present and saw what happened so they want him to take the classes any way. 

Yes..fixing up the house is something that I have been working on, but there are some things that I won't touch because we had an incident before where I made some choices that didn't include my husband and it really hurt him. He wanted to be involved in picking out curtains for our bedroom and living room. He never said anything. Just got angry at me and held a grudge for years. So, I had mentioned to him before that we would be working on the house and I told my husband that I would show him some respect and leave the items that we on the list that hurt him alone. I said maybe one day we can finish what we started. So far I have not needed much money in order to do things. It's mostly been picking up where my husband and I left off. 

I really want to get that book. I may ask my husband for some money so that I can order it. That book is so much different than the others I have been reading. My husband has already told me before that he needs the positive stuff coming in from home so I will continue to do just that. I know if I act like I don't care it would be all over in a heartbeat. He needs help with his self esteem and hopefully I have been feeding him what he needs. I really picked up on this yesterday when he kept asking me how he did on the maze. I knew he would get through it, but there were some really difficult parts to it. I had never picked up on this need for praise so strongly and I am glad that I was able to recognize it. I have a lot of pictures to share with him from yesterday so I should work on getting those put on a disk for him to share.

UGH! Trust...another nasty word that I am always tripping over. Given our past history, my trust in him has never been tested to strongly. I am dealing with it pretty well though. For the most part I just keep my thoughts to myself and bit my tongue. 

I'll...write more in a second...just saw your other message come in.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> How do you know he's not affected by all of this? He is probably struggling just as much as you are
> 
> *What is stopping you going out?*
> 
> I'm sorry if I'm stating the obvious here, I'm just trying to help


Help away my dear. That's why I came here. 

It's funny that your wrote this because I was typing it in my other post and decided to move it here. What stops us from going out is cash flow. When I work we do okay, but my work isn't a steady income. Which means that I have to ask my husband for help. I am kind of mixed on this because of what he said about me being incompetent in taking care of our daughter. At the same time I think to myself...this is for our daughter. Not me. Her needs and well being should come before any thing else. I just need to swallow my pride and speak up and say your daughter needs something. There isn't much near us that is free, but there are some things that I will tell my husband I want to take her to. Maybe he could come along every now and again, too. 

Now...my working situation is a sticky situation. I am supposed to work and help support the family in every way that I can. And I do that. I have also always been the primary care giver for our daughter. I am the one that has always taken her to school, taken her to her after school classes and tutoring, etc. We were always doing something after school and on Saturdays. This has always allowed my husband to focus on his work and the family is taken care of on both fronts. Well, after saying I was incompetent, what did he do yesterday? He fell right back into his old way of thinking. He asked me what we should get our daughter into this summer to get her out with other kids making friends. I told him I don't know because I can't afford to take her to anything by myself. He says to me....I'll cover the cost of everything if you will take her to everything. Ummm....duh? Isn't this the arrangement we have had for years and you didn't think I was so incompetent then. Sigh. Sorry, he doesn't know I know what he said and it still bugs the heck out of me that he said that.


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## Finding Nemo

Good morning Catch. Just stopping by to drop off a prayer for you. I am asking that you be guided on to the right path today. May your eyes be fully open, your mind be filled with knowledge of what is the right thing to do and your be heart be less burdened than it has been in a while. Good luck!!


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## lostwithouthim

Nemo, was this what he said to his dad that time? You should ignore that as he's saying things that his dad wanted to hear. I know it's upsetting, I had the same with my mil when she said my H is happier now than he's been in a long time  
That's great that your H is going to give you some money for your daughter's hols  when do the activities start?
If you've got time to spare before the activities start, then pack a picnic and go to the local park. What about a yard sale or garage sale? I'm sure you've got lots of stuff you can get rid of. Get your daughter involved too. She's probably got things she wants to get rid of as well  my son has started collecting things for a boot sale that we're going to do  the incentive is he'll get to keep the money that he gets for his stuff  pm me and tell me what town you live in and I'll have a look at some free things you can do  I'm quite good at living frugally now 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Something really weird's just happened. Whilst I was typing the last post in the barbers, my H walked in! My son was really pleased to see his dad and started talking about the new games console that's coming out. It was my son's turn to have his haircut, so me and H sat there chatting about nothing much. The barber was a bit puzzled as to why I didn't know that H was going to be there and I just said no I didn't! 
I went to pay for my son's haircut and the barber asked if I was paying for H's as well, lol. I said no and laughed. He normally says this anyway and I normally say no, lol. 
Anyway my son finished what he was talking about to his dad and then we went to catch the bus. We said goodbye and then as I was leaving the shop I turned to wave goodbye to my H and he was waving and smiling as well  I think that's pretty good progress, I don't know what you guys think?


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I think that's pretty good progress, I don't know what you guys think?



Every little bit counts, right? Did he know the time you guys were going to be there or was this him showing up out of the blue? It's really cool that you got to see him for at least a few moments. The waving back and smiling has to be a good thing. :thumbup: Now let's home he will come around the house and stay for a little while.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm quite good at living frugally now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




My daughter and I are going to go through some of the local stuff and see what she can come up with. We live in a college / art town so most of what goes on is surrounded by one of those two things. We aren't allowed to have yard sales where we live. If you want to sell stuff you have to go through Craig's list, eBay or something like that. We have a Homeowner's Association that creates rules for our housing area. One of the rules is no yard sales.  There is a park near our house so I was thinking of taking her there later today. Either that or getting the dog and taking her for a walk. Something, anything to get us out of this funk that we are in now.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Every little bit counts, right? Did he know the time you guys were going to be there or was this him showing up out of the blue? It's really cool that you got to see him for at least a few moments. The waving back and smiling has to be a good thing. :thumbup: Now let's home he will come around the house and stay for a little while.


I didn't know he was going to turn up and he didn't know we were going to be there either! how weird is that? lol. I texted him this morning to tell him what our plans were for the week as he wanted to pop in. I mentioned that we were going to town, but I didn't tell him what for  He's coming round tomorrow morning to see our son. He's going for a job interview tomorrow morning, so let's hope it's good news


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> My daughter and I are going to go through some of the local stuff and see what she can come up with. We live in a college / art town so most of what goes on is surrounded by one of those two things. We aren't allowed to have yard sales where we live. If you want to sell stuff you have to go through Craig's list, eBay or something like that. We have a Homeowner's Association that creates rules for our housing area. One of the rules is no yard sales.  There is a park near our house so I was thinking of taking her there later today. Either that or getting the dog and taking her for a walk. Something, anything to get us out of this funk that we are in now.


That's more like it  If it's an art/college town then they must have some events at the local college or art exhibitions to go to  Hope your daughter finds some places to visit  Do you do anything like a yard sale in your town or nearby? Over here we have table top sales and boot sales. You drive to an organised place and sell from the boot of your car - Hence the name! Table top sales are similar but they're indoors and you rent a table to sell things from 
Keep me updated if you find anything  I'm in for the rest of the afternoon now as it's pouring with rain here  It hasn't stopped all day!


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> That's more like it  If it's an art/college town then they must have some events at the local college or art exhibitions to go to  Hope your daughter finds some places to visit  Do you do anything like a yard sale in your town or nearby? Over here we have table top sales and boot sales. You drive to an organised place and sell from the boot of your car - Hence the name! Table top sales are similar but they're indoors and you rent a table to sell things from
> Keep me updated if you find anything  I'm in for the rest of the afternoon now as it's pouring with rain here  It hasn't stopped all day!


We have table top types of yards sales too. There are differnt ways that people can yard sale, but it depends upon where you live. Most places have these organizations that help to enforce the codes set up for the area. They go after people who aren't taking care of their yards, have cars parked in the their driveways that don't run or they have parts lying all over the ground. You get fined for having yard sales. In my area they have one GIANT sale and that's organized over the course of a year. We just had the one for my neighborhood. 

Knowing that you husband just happened to pop in must have made your heart skip a bazillion beats. I know mine would. I have no chance of that ever happening for me. My husband is currently locked in a building where access is next to impossible unless you work there. He's been there since early morning and he will there until late at night. That's how he has been filling him time. He occasionally visits with a couple of friends, but for the most part he is behind those security walls. Story of my life with him really...always having to break down a wall or two. 

I haven't heard from my husband since we left each other on Sunday. I sent him a text to let him know that we had a great time and we were thankful for being able to spend the day with him. That was the end of that. I sent a message from his daughter yesterday because she was curious if he was tired like she was. Nothing back. I sent the reminder he asked for to call on his classes a bit ago. I am sure that will go unanswered as well. Tomorrow is when he usually sees our daughter so he might contact us. I have an appointment around the same time he would usually get her from school so if he doesn't call for her in the morning I will go to my appointment and he can just miss out. Not going to sit and wait for his convenience.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> We have table top types of yards sales too. There are differnt ways that people can yard sale, but it depends upon where you live. Most places have these organizations that help to enforce the codes set up for the area. They go after people who aren't taking care of their yards, have cars parked in the their driveways that don't run or they have parts lying all over the ground. You get fined for having yard sales. In my area they have one GIANT sale and that's organized over the course of a year. We just had the one for my neighborhood.
> 
> Knowing that you husband just happened to pop in must have made your heart skip a bazillion beats. I know mine would. I have no chance of that ever happening for me. My husband is currently locked in a building where access is next to impossible unless you work there. He's been there since early morning and he will there until late at night. That's how he has been filling him time. He occasionally visits with a couple of friends, but for the most part he is behind those security walls. Story of my life with him really...always having to break down a wall or two.
> 
> I haven't heard from my husband since we left each other on Sunday. I sent him a text to let him know that we had a great time and we were thankful for being able to spend the day with him. That was the end of that. I sent a message from his daughter yesterday because she was curious if he was tired like she was. Nothing back. I sent the reminder he asked for to call on his classes a bit ago. I am sure that will go unanswered as well. Tomorrow is when he usually sees our daughter so he might contact us. I have an appointment around the same time he would usually get her from school so if he doesn't call for her in the morning I will go to my appointment and he can just miss out. Not going to sit and wait for his convenience.


A giant yard sale, that must be amazing! It's good that you've got these restrictions in your area regarding cars and such like. We could do with having those restrictions over here as well 
When I saw my H today, it was more a shock than a nice surprise. I was busy typing a post on here and I had to quickly shut down my phone before he could see what I was doing, lol. Thankfully he didn't click on  My heart doesn't skip a beat, but I've got a big smile on my face when I see him and yes I suppose my heart does race a bit  I'm still feeling a bit uncomfortable around him though, especially the long silences which I hate!
Your H being behind walls sounds really sad  I know how upsetting it is when they don't message you back, but if that happens then I wait until he contacts me again. He may have switched his phone off or ran out of charge. That normally happens with my H or so he says lol. Yes I know I do need to build up my trust with him again, once he stops lying that is! I believe him sometimes though so that's a start I suppose  He could even be asleep like my H was the other morning at 10.30! If your H has been working long hours, then it's most likely what has happened.
I'm just making excuses up for your H and to make you feel better  Has your Daughter got her own phone that she can get in touch with him or is she too young? My son will sometimes keep pestering me about when is dad coming over, so I tell him to text him to find out. I don't like ringing or texting him every day either, I don't want to seem too pushy.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm just making excuses up for your H and to make you feel better  Has your Daughter got her own phone that she can get in touch with him or is she too young? My son will sometimes keep pestering me about when is dad coming over, so I tell him to text him to find out. I don't like ringing or texting him every day either, I don't want to seem too pushy.



I make up excuses for him as well. How sad and I?  For a short while before I found out about the apartment he was contacting me almost on a regular basis. He would say good night to us. Say he loves us. Then all of a sudden he started to put more and more distance between us. That is why I can't believe we had such a wonderful time on Sunday. 

I started a journal like Tron said I should do. It's interesting to see how far I have come. It's kind of weird knowing that people are reading my life and all my dirty laundry, but I am already starting to see a lot of growth in what I am writing. 

Oh...here is an interesting thing that has happened. I didn't write back to my husband's friend. I will post what he wrote to me so that you can see it. I'd like to get your opinion of it. 

I was thinking about Catch today...I hope she is doing okay. Have you heard from her?


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Oh...here is an interesting thing that has happened. I didn't write back to my husband's friend. I will post what he wrote to me so that you can see it. I'd like to get your opinion of it.
> 
> I was thinking about Catch today...I hope she is doing okay. Have you heard from her?


Yes please I'd like to see what he's written 
No I've not heard from Catch today, I hope she's ok as well 
I probably won't hear about it until tomorrow now as it's nearly 11pm here and I'm going to try not to stay up too late tonight, lol 
Post away though, I'll be here for a little while longer


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Yes please I'd like to see what he's written
> No I've not heard from Catch today, I hope she's ok as well
> I probably won't hear about it until tomorrow now as it's nearly 11pm here and I'm going to try not to stay up too late tonight, lol
> Post away though, I'll be here for a little while longer



I sent you a private message that has the letter in it. Let me know if you don't see it and I will go ahead and post it here for you to see. Have a good night if I don't see any more posts from you.


----------



## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> I sent you a private message that has the letter in it. Let me know if you don't see it and I will go ahead and post it here for you to see. Have a good night if I don't see any more posts from you.


If you need another pair of eyes...

And I haven't heard from Catch either.


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## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> If you need another pair of eyes...
> 
> And I haven't heard from Catch either.




*This is the second letter that my husband's friend sent to me. I did't answer the first one where he asked me how I was doing*. 



C,

I know you are afraid to contact me and I know you are scared he is gone.

On Valentine’s Day in 1995 I bought a dozen roses for my wife, which was in a vase that I was going to take home. A few hours before I could go home a man came in to the office and served me with divorce papers.
I was devastated I loved her and still miss to this day. I still have trouble sleeping alone and will for the rest of my life.

If you are curious no we will ever get back together as she has remarried. No woman that I have dated sense has been as good for me as she was. That does not mean there is no one for me. It just means I have not met her yet. I struggle every day with not having a woman in my life. If I can do this, so can you. However I think that there is hope for you and him.

When the divorce happened I was miserable because I was wallowing in self-hate over what had passed between my X and me. I now know that it was not just me and it was not just her. At the time I could not see that, I just wish someone had asked me the right questions before the divorce happened. Problem with that is I still do not know what all of the questions should have been. I move out that week in Feb and when the divorce was finalized I got to see her for a few minutes. 

She had worried a lot over if it was the right thing for her to do. I know this because she was double the women from Feb. When she worried she would over eat and I would guess that it really was bothering her by how big she was. She was home and not working so she had time to eat and over eat and she did a lot. I am not saying that you are like her I am just saying that was what she did.

First off I am not and will not take the side that you are all wrong and D is all right. We both know that it takes two to have an argument. So please if I ask or say the wrong thing believe me it is not to put you down in any way. Rather it is to make you think what you did wrong that added to the problem and not solve the problem.

Ask yourself what can I do to make it right for D and for C and E?
Did you go to school and obtain a degree?
If yes do you use it?
Maybe getting out in the world and working will help you see what you can do to make it better for you and your loved ones.

What in your opinion do you feel cause the rift between yourself and D? You can tell me or not, what you need to do is figure out what it was and what you can do to repair it. After all there was a day where you both were happy and loving; I know this because I have seen the results. You both have a fine daughter that will grow in to a beautiful woman someday; she is 1/2 way there now. I do not believe that she would be if the two of you did not love each other deeply at one time. Though sex is not love is is a great byproduct of love. I have not seen you in some time, but I can tell this is a family that loves one another just by listening to the way they talk about each other. 

What is your interest?
What do you love to do the most?
Can you use that to spark an interest in yourself and D?
If does not have to be something that D is interested in, but something that you are willing to commit yourself to that makes him see you in a different light.

If all you have done is been a wife at home and not a great one just a mediocre one, when you apply yourself in to doing something that makes you a better person I am willing to bet he will take notice. That does not mean that it has to be spectacular, rather something that he see is making you a better you.

Does that mean you have to go back to school, maybe and maybe not?
You have to decide that for you, I can say do this or do that but only you can know what is right for you. 

D knows what is right for him and sometimes just like me we think we know and later we see we were heading the wrong way. Is he heading the wrong way? Only he can make that call.

What you have to do is show him that life with you is better than life without you.

Good luck and feel free to text me any time.
Just a bit more often the 13 years.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Hi guys, didn't get to file today as the money I was looking to come didn't. Delayed about the holiday. I soo forgot all about that. But the a.m it is. The bbq was great but nothing transpired that says I shouldn't go ahead and do so. Keep me in your prayers as this is the hardest thing ive done in my life outside of removing my mom from life support. I will read all the other posts for today now. And ill ttys


----------



## Tron

Nemo,

Is your H talking to this friend? Regularly?


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Nemo,
> 
> Is your H talking to this friend? Regularly?


I don't know how often they talk. They have been friends since long before I met my husband. Probably known each other a good 25 years or more. I have only met him one time and that was back when I first met my husband. The guy and his girlfriend at the time moved to another city and we lost track of him. Then I found him online one day and tried to get him and my husband reconnected. My husband was always too busy at work to connect with him. Just before all of our mess happened I happen to make contact with the friend and I was trying to get them to connect. I guess it was close enough to the incident that my husband felt the need to go ahead and connect with him. I can tell you of a handful of times they have hung out since because my daughter has usually been with them. 

One thing I am leery of is that I have always said if my husband was going to have contact with a female that I thought it was only right that he share the contents of that contact with me. If I contact this friend back, I feel the need to tell my husband and that may cause some problems because one he is a male and two it's my husbands friend. I hope that makes sense.


----------



## Tron

Nemo,

Do you think there is any way that he is being asked or encouraged by H to contact you or to share thoughts with you?


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Nemo,
> 
> Do you think there is any way that he is being asked or encouraged by H to contact you or to share thoughts with you?



I don't know. Just out of the blue I got this message asking me how I was doing. I didn't answer it. Then this message came. To be honest, I am encouraged by the statement where he said he believes there is hope. The rest of the letter scared the crap out of me. Some of it made me think my husband may have said something, but then there are other things that make me think this is a generic list he found some place.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Nemo,
> 
> Do you think there is any way that he is being asked or encouraged by H to contact you or to share thoughts with you?


 I was wondering the same thing. If so this is a good thing, right ?


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi guys, didn't get to file today as the money I was looking to come didn't. Delayed about the holiday. I soo forgot all about that. But the a.m it is. The bbq was great but nothing transpired that says I shouldn't go ahead and do so. Keep me in your prayers as this is the hardest thing ive done in my life outside of removing my mom from life support. I will read all the other posts for today now. And ill ttys


I'm so pleased  God works in mysterious ways you know! We all prayed for you about whether you were doing the right thing and something came up at the last minute. Hopefully you'll have given your H a shove in the right direction, but if not just have patience. Like I said it's only been 6 months, give yourselves at least a year to see how things pan out. Good luck


----------



## lostwithouthim

Nemo, reading the letter I would say that this guy has been reading a self help book and wants to pass what he's learnt onto you. He sounds genuine, but he also sounds lonely at the same time. I think he doesn't want you to make the same mistakes as him. 
I would reply thanking him for his letter/email but let him know that you'd rather not have any communication with him as it's a bit awkward with him being friends with your husband as well.
There could be an ulterior motive, he could be thinking if you don't R with your H maybe he has a chance.
I would keep any communication with him brief and just general chit chat. Don't even mention your H, you don't know whether he's passing the info onto him or not. Maybe your H is fishing to find out what's going on in your life and has asked his friend to find out or maybe not.
At the end of the day it's up to you though, but that is what I would do. Like you said the fact that he is male makes it a bit awkward.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> he's passing the info onto him or not. Maybe your H is fishing to find out what's going on in your life and has asked his friend to find out or maybe not.




At the end of the day when I think about it, I don't think my husband had anything to do with the letters. I am pretty open with my husband about what I am doing and what is going on. Sometimes I may even share too much information with him. My husband knows I am always willing to talk so I would hope that he would come to me and ask me about something he wants to know an answer to. He on the other hand keeps me so confused I don't know what my name is half the time.


----------



## catch22gofigure

N


lostwithouthim said:


> I'm so pleased  God works in mysterious ways you know! We all prayed for you about whether you were doing the right thing and something came up at the last minute. Hopefully you'll have given your H a shove in the right direction, but if not just have patience. Like I said it's only been 6 months, give yourselves at least a year to see how things pan out. Good luck


You are the second person to give it at least a year. He spent all night. After he got off at midnight with action after action. He rented a movie, went over the top admiring the home made lasagna i cooked. Laying on me and blah blah blah. I just don't get it. IC is tomorrow thank goodness. Im so excited about going. Hopefully the mailman will bring me what im waiting on today. Thank you all for your prayers. I have no one to talk to other than you all about this mess


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> At the end of the day when I think about it, I don't think my husband had anything to do with the letters. I am pretty open with my husband about what I am doing and what is going on. Sometimes I may even share too much information with him. My husband knows I am always willing to talk so I would hope that he would come to me and ask me about something he wants to know an answer to. He on the other hand keeps me so confused I don't know what my name is half the time.


All I'm saying is just be careful  I would reply to the letter just thanking him for it and for the advice. Tell him that you feel it's best that you don't communicate with him at the mo as he is male and you feel awkward having a male friend.
It's funny, if I had a male friend then my H will be suspicious, but I'm ok with him having female friends as I know they are just friends 
I did have a male friend once who was also friends with my H. I spoke to him a few times on the phone when my H left me the first time round. We didn't talk about H much and when we did he said that H was very happy which made me very sad. It wasn't that I wanted H back that was making me sad, it was the fact that I was lonely and H had this OW to go back home to. The first time I had given up on our marriage because he was with this OW.
Anyway, back to this mutual friend. He always came to ours for Christmas and I was trying to persuade him to come this time as I was going to be on my own and so was he. He said no at first, but later he said that he would. He hinted that there might be something more out of our friendship which made me back off because at the end of the day he was a friend and that was it!


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> N
> 
> You are the second person to give it at least a year. He spent all night. After he got off at midnight with action after action. He rented a movie, went over the top admiring the home made lasagna i cooked. Laying on me and blah blah blah. I just don't get it. IC is tomorrow thank goodness. Im so excited about going. Hopefully the mailman will bring me what im waiting on today. Thank you all for your prayers. I have no one to talk to other than you all about this mess


Thank you as well Catch  It's only here that I can talk openly about what is happening at the mo and I don't get judged  I'm excited for you about going to IC tomorrow, let us know how you get on 
Sooooo what's coming in the post today? A bopk you've ordered by any chance? Have fun today  Your H is getting close again, I bet he's pleased the D didn't happen! I just think these things take time, I know it's a pain but you're getting there  My H won't do any of those things yet like rent a movie or stop over or cook a bbq. At the mo it seems very one sided. I'll tell you about today in a separate post


----------



## lostwithouthim

ok my blog for the day, not written one of these for a while  My H came over after he's been to a job interview. He texted me earlier to ask if he can be cheeky and have a bath as he fancies a soak. He's only got a shower at his apt. I said yes and when he came over he had a bath whilst I cooked us both some lunch. He ate his lunch then I asked if he could run me into town as I needed some shopping which he did.
He went off to the docs whilst I was doing some shopping and then was collecting his washing from the launderette. I lent him some money to pay for his washing.
He rang me later to say he's finish at the docs and he would meet me in the supermarket to give me my money back. 
The funny part was when I was looking for him in the supermarket and when he found me he had a go at me for not walking down the middle aisle as this is what we always do to find each other. I had to laugh afterwards as I thought it's as though he's never left, lol. It's the way he said it that made me laugh "how many times have I told you........" lol. I know he was probably cake eating today, but it's made me smile and I walked around with a big grin on my face and laughing to myself  I bet people thought I was mad!
I got a chance to compliment him today as he was wearing a new shirt, he accepted the compliment and thanked me  He thanked me for lunch and for lending him some money. Big love deposits coming his way, wonder when I'm going to get some back? I'm going to be patient though  I won't see him now for a few days as me and my son are busy doing stuff  We're off to the cinema tommorrow to see Epic 3D, Friday we're off to see one of my friends from my beauty course and have a pamper and maybe a carvery  Saturday it's our local carnival and me and my son are taking part in it  Speak to you guys later, have a great day


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Thank you as well Catch  It's only here that I can talk openly about what is happening at the mo and I don't get judged  I'm excited for you about going to IC tomorrow, let us know how you get on
> Sooooo what's coming in the post today? A bopk you've ordered by any chance? Have fun today  Your H is getting close again, I bet he's pleased the D didn't happen! I just think these things take time, I know it's a pain but you're getting there  My H won't do any of those things yet like rent a movie or stop over or cook a bbq. At the mo it seems very one sided. I'll tell you about today in a separate post


I see what you all are saying about him trying to get close. Im assuring you im not being mean or un appreciative. But this is what he does when he knows im ticked off or upset about something. Its the norm for us. The norm has to go away or even if we had a chance at R..we'll one day be back in the same situation. I was up until almost 4a.m with him and his antics. He has talked me into staying at his apt yet another day, so that I will be here when he gets.off. this is all so typical for us. Just like Tron had mentioned before. It's not the R I want so badly. I want an entire dynamic change. Again today my money did not come, so i guess your prayers NEMO and LOST are holding up my ca$h flow...lol. No i don't want to do it and i could be making the wrong move, but we'll see what happens at IC tomorrow. I will at least wait until then. I just want y'all to understand, i know the risk im taking. But I have no other option with him at this point. If he doesn't know whether or not its worth fighting for...then apparently its not worth fighting for.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> ok my blog for the day, not written one of these for a while  My H came over after he's been to a job interview. He texted me earlier to ask if he can be cheeky and have a bath as he fancies a soak. He's only got a shower at his apt. I said yes and when he came over he had a bath whilst I cooked us both some lunch. He ate his lunch then I asked if he could run me into town as I needed some shopping which he did.
> He went off to the docs whilst I was doing some shopping and then was collecting his washing from the launderette. I lent him some money to pay for his washing.
> He rang me later to say he's finish at the docs and he would meet me in the supermarket to give me my money back.
> The funny part was when I was looking for him in the supermarket and when he found me he had a go at me for not walking down the middle aisle as this is what we always do to find each other. I had to laugh afterwards as I thought it's as though he's never left, lol. It's the way he said it that made me laugh "how many times have I told you........" lol. I know he was probably cake eating today, but it's made me smile and I walked around with a big grin on my face and laughing to myself  I bet people thought I was mad!
> I got a chance to compliment him today as he was wearing a new shirt, he accepted the compliment and thanked me  He thanked me for lunch and for lending him some money. Big love deposits coming his way, wonder when I'm going to get some back? I'm going to be patient though  I won't see him now for a few days as me and my son are busy doing stuff  We're off to the cinema tommorrow to see Epic 3D, Friday we're off to see one of my friends from my beauty course and have a pamper and maybe a carvery  Saturday it's our local carnival and me and my son are taking part in it  Speak to you guys later, have a great day


Hey hey look who's getting the opportunity to chunk out love deposits! !  yaay you Lost ! Try this next time he wants to soak. Run his bath water for him...and light a vanilla scented candle. I used to do this to the hubby when he was working multiple jobs. So to help him relax faster once he was home. He never knew I was using aromatherapy on him...but it worked. Most of the time anyway. So use that maybe to help ease any tension when he's around. The oil burners work even better.

Wow, he just called from work as I was writing this and asked if I could start planning us a trip to the closest water theme park....see i know he's trying you guys...but i dont want to settle for this. These actions are just not enough to sustain a marriage.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I see what you all are saying about him trying to get close. Im assuring you im not being mean or un appreciative. But this is what he does when he knows im ticked off or upset about something. Its the norm for us. The norm has to go away or even if we had a chance at R..we'll one day be back in the same situation. I was up until almost 4a.m with him and his antics. He has talked me into staying at his apt yet another day, so that I will be here when he gets.off. this is all so typical for us. Just like Tron had mentioned before. It's not the R I want so badly. I want an entire dynamic change. Again today my money did not come, so i guess your prayers NEMO and LOST are holding up my ca$h flow...lol. No i don't want to do it and i could be making the wrong move, but we'll see what happens at IC tomorrow. I will at least wait until then. I just want y'all to understand, i know the risk im taking. But I have no other option with him at this point. If he doesn't know whether or not its worth fighting for...then apparently its not worth fighting for.


I DO understand where you're coming from Catch, I really do  No cash flow eh? Well God's got a hand in this that's for certain, lol. Sorry we mucked up your plans with our prayers 
I would definitely wait until you've had about 3 sessions with the IC. The first session is probably about getting to know you and why you're at IC in the first place. When I read about turning off your mum's life support machine I had a lump in my throat. That's the sort of thing you'll not forget in a long time and it's no wonder it's affected you so badly!
I can't remember but did you say your H is going to IC? If not he needs to as he sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants. He doesn't want D that's for sure, but by the sounds of it he doesn't like to be rushed, lol. That's typical of all men! Well most of them anyway, lol. I know you can't force these men or even suggest going to IC as they are stubborn. As you know my H thinks IC is a waste of time!
I know what you're saying about wanting an entire dynamic change. I want us both to change for the better not just me 
There's a section about that in the book hope for the separated. It does say that if you want your partner to change, you have to first change yourself. It mentions going on a personality development course. They haven't got one near me, I think the book was written in the US and so they may have more out there. There's loads of stuff about it though online, I'm just sifting through it at the mo and will post a link when I find a good free one


----------



## Finding Nemo

Wish me luck. I am on my way to see my counselor soon. I have to make a detour on the way there. My husband sent me a text and asked if I was available to bring our daughter to his work so that they could go swimming this evening. I told him I have my counseling appointment and then I have plans to attend my belly dancing class. I think I sent his head spinning because I have not been to class in almost 5 months. He made a comment to me about it not too long ago asking me why I didn't come to him for help with the cost of classes and the costuming. I have lots of costumes, but not the one that the group uses for performances. I was sitting here thinking about that letter my husband's friend sent me and it dawned on me...I should go to class even if I can' perform with the group. I called up one of the girls from my class and asked what time they were meeting tonight. She told me at 7pm so I told her I would be there. She is so excited now. She told me not to worry about the group costume because she owns several and if I need to I can borrow one of hers. So....off to class I go. No more sitting here on Wednesday nights. YEA! Since I won't have any time to change my clothes between counseling and class I am going to have to wear my dance wear to drop off my daughter and see the counselor. This should get a few conversations going at his work. :smthumbup: I still hurt REALLY bad over Sundays events so I need to do something. I am trying to find a new focus so that the pain will subside a little quicker. I figure what heck. I love him and I believe he loves me...but if he doesn't want me then I am going to make sure I am the best I can be for myself and someone else.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> ok my blog for the day, not written one of these for a while  My H came over after he's been to a job interview. He texted me earlier to ask if he can be cheeky and have a bath as he fancies a soak. He's only got a shower at his apt. I said yes and when he came over he had a bath whilst I cooked us both some lunch. He ate his lunch then I asked if he could run me into town as I needed some shopping which he did.
> He went off to the docs whilst I was doing some shopping and then was collecting his washing from the launderette. I lent him some money to pay for his washing.
> He rang me later to say he's finish at the docs and he would meet me in the supermarket to give me my money back.
> The funny part was when I was looking for him in the supermarket and when he found me he had a go at me for not walking down the middle aisle as this is what we always do to find each other. I had to laugh afterwards as I thought it's as though he's never left, lol. It's the way he said it that made me laugh "how many times have I told you........" lol. I know he was probably cake eating today, but it's made me smile and I walked around with a big grin on my face and laughing to myself  I bet people thought I was mad!
> I got a chance to compliment him today as he was wearing a new shirt, he accepted the compliment and thanked me  He thanked me for lunch and for lending him some money. Big love deposits coming his way, wonder when I'm going to get some back? I'm going to be patient though  I won't see him now for a few days as me and my son are busy doing stuff  We're off to the cinema tommorrow to see Epic 3D, Friday we're off to see one of my friends from my beauty course and have a pamper and maybe a carvery  Saturday it's our local carnival and me and my son are taking part in it  Speak to you guys later, have a great day



Wow! Two days in a row. You have a reason to wear your smile proudly! I think I would pass out if my husband were to come around and ask for a soak. He used to do that a lot when he wasn't feeling very well or was stressed. He has his own bath now at the apartment so he doesn't have any need to borrow the one at the house.  I am going to have to remember the aroma therapy candles if I am ever in that kind of situation again.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey hey look who's getting the opportunity to chunk out love deposits! !  yaay you Lost ! Try this next time he wants to soak. Run his bath water for him...and light a vanilla scented candle. I used to do this to the hubby when he was working multiple jobs. So to help him relax faster once he was home. He never knew I was using aromatherapy on him...but it worked. Most of the time anyway. So use that maybe to help ease any tension when he's around. The oil burners work even better.
> 
> Wow, he just called from work as I was writing this and asked if I could start planning us a trip to the closest water theme park....see i know he's trying you guys...but i dont want to settle for this. These actions are just not enough to sustain a marriage.


Aromatherapy, I never thought of that  hmmmm. Trouble is though he will probably say what's that you're burning, it's giving me a headache, lol. I often use joss-ticks as it calms the cats down, but if H is coming round I try not to use them as they give him a headache. He suffers from sinus problems you see and so do I. He used to say that it's because I don't dust properly, but he's still getting headaches and sinus problems so bang goes his theory, lol. I will try burning some oils though, I know which ones do what  Did you know that there's one that's an aphrodisiac, lol. Ylang ylang i think it is, lol. Get him all hot and bothered


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Wish me luck. I am on my way to see my counselor soon. I have to make a detour on the way there. My husband sent me a text and asked if I was available to bring our daughter to his work so that they could go swimming this evening. I told him I have my counseling appointment and then I have plans to attend my belly dancing class. I think I sent his head spinning because I have not been to class in almost 5 months. He made a comment to me about it not too long ago asking me why I didn't come to him for help with the cost of classes and the costuming. I have lots of costumes, but not the one that the group uses for performances. I was sitting here thinking about that letter my husband's friend sent me and it dawned on me...I should go to class even if I can' perform with the group. I called up one of the girls from my class and asked what time they were meeting tonight. She told me at 7pm so I told her I would be there. She is so excited now. She told me not to worry about the group costume because she owns several and if I need to I can borrow one of hers. So....off to class I go. No more sitting here on Wednesday nights. YEA! Since I won't have any time to change my clothes between counseling and class I am going to have to wear my dance wear to drop off my daughter and see the counselor. This should get a few conversations going at his work. :smthumbup: I still hurt REALLY bad over Sundays events so I need to do something. I am trying to find a new focus so that the pain will subside a little quicker. I figure what heck. I love him and I believe he loves me...but if he doesn't want me then I am going to make sure I am the best I can be for myself and someone else.


Good luck with your IC and your dancing  I know it hurts, but it's in the past now, you've got to look to the future. Yayy you go girl  It's what we've been telling you for weeks and it's finally dawned on you over some guy's letter, lol. Oh well! At least you got there in the end, lol  Have fun!


----------



## lostwithouthim

I just thought, I can put the aromatherapy oils in the bath, hmm now there's a thought  I use bergamot as well a lot as it's good for depression and especially SAD


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I DO understand where you're coming from Catch, I really do  No cash flow eh? Well God's got a hand in this that's for certain, lol. Sorry we mucked up your plans with our prayers
> I would definitely wait until you've had about 3 sessions with the IC. The first session is probably about getting to know you and why you're at IC in the first place. When I read about turning off your mum's life support machine I had a lump in my throat. That's the sort of thing you'll not forget in a long time and it's no wonder it's affected you so badly!
> I can't remember but did you say your H is going to IC? If not he needs to as he sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants. He doesn't want D that's for sure, but by the sounds of it he doesn't like to be rushed, lol. That's typical of all men! Well most of them anyway, lol. I know you can't force these men or even suggest going to IC as they are stubborn. As you know my H thinks IC is a waste of time!
> I know what you're saying about wanting an entire dynamic change. I want us both to change for the better not just me
> There's a section about that in the book hope for the separated. It does say that if you want your partner to change, you have to first change yourself. It mentions going on a personality development course. They haven't got one near me, I think the book was written in the US and so they may have more out there. There's loads of stuff about it though online, I'm just sifting through it at the mo and will post a link when I find a good free one


Yeah IC is out of the question for this dude right now. That would surely be a miracle. He wont talk to me.as.close as we have been and really in a way still are. So you better believe a complete stranger won't be on his menu of people to talk to. So once I continue to work on me. Maybe I will get a better understanding of why he is the way he is too. Because im so done with it. I am. And i feel he knows it. The D is not a threat. This is truly my reality. I go to IC tomorrow. ..but not sure if one session is gonna calm my confused and torn mind and heart. Sorry to do that to you with the analogy about mom. But its soooo true. Just like with her. The ethics board and myself had to determine if in her current state would allowing her to keep fighting. Offer any improvement to an already void state. In moms case no. It took us a week to determine that after 3 wks on the vent. 2 weeks with no motor, audible, organ response. Allowing her body to continue to fight would have then caused her situation to suffer even worse. When indeed the brain and soul of the body had left. Communication and His/Her Needs are the brain and soul of a marriage.


----------



## catch22gofigure

So I refuse to give him my info to be added to his health insurance for the new benefits year. This man goes to work and puts me on speakerphone with the HR lady !!!! He knows I wont act a donkey with her...so his mission was accomplished. I posted that to say this. If he wants something done he finds means to do it. So why can't he communicate verbally to me what the heck we're doing ??!!!


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Aromatherapy, I never thought of that  hmmmm. Trouble is though he will probably say what's that you're burning, it's giving me a headache, lol. I often use joss-ticks as it calms the cats down, but if H is coming round I try not to use them as they give him a headache. He suffers from sinus problems you see and so do I. He used to say that it's because I don't dust properly, but he's still getting headaches and sinus problems so bang goes his theory, lol. I will try burning some oils though, I know which ones do what  Did you know that there's one that's an aphrodisiac, lol. Ylang ylang i think it is, lol. Get him all hot and bothered


Honnnneeeyyyy where do I get the ylue yuwrin or whatever you said. ..lol i think i got a lil rewarding to do.. Boi as bad as we already are ....we'd both prolly get drove out.of our minds. I better leave that stuff where it is..lol :rofl:


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I just thought, I can put the aromatherapy oils in the bath, hmm now there's a thought  I use bergamot as well a lot as it's good for depression and especially SAD


Yupp  i've been doing it to H for years and he never even has made the connection between the two. He even says whats that burning. That just that stress wanting to lash out after he first walks.in. gotta at least try to be all grumpy. A few deep breaths he's just about ready to plant perennials in the park..lol 
Now ,if only I could tell when a fit is coming. I could probably just about diffuse all of them. :scratchhead:


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Honnnneeeyyyy where do I get the ylue yuwrin or whatever you said. ..lol i think i got a lil rewarding to do.. Boi as bad as we already are ....we'd both prolly get drove out.of our minds. I better leave that stuff where it is..lol :rofl:


Ylang ylang, lol. I got mine from a health shop where they sell herbal remedies and such like. I bet they've got them in a big dept store over there or sometimes I get them from craft fairs or little holistic therapy shops.
I've got all sorts of tips for aromatherapy apart from hypnosis, lol. If only! I went on an adult leisure course the last few years and learnt all about the different alternative therapies.
Lemongrass is a good chill out one or if you want a real chill out one then try clary sage. That is a real knock out, in fact you can't drive if you've been burning this one! It mimics cannabis and will probably help your insomnia 
Ginger is good for aches and pains, that's what I used on H when he had a bad back. It's got a lovely smell to it as well, come to think of it he didn't complain of a headache then 
Apparently if you do complain of a headache after having one of these oils, it's your body trying to heal itself and it's what you needed at that time 
Catch, I think we should get hold of your H and my H and Nemo's H and bang their heads together, lol.


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## lostwithouthim

I've found a free online course for personality development  I've just had a look at the dressing with confidence one. It says it takes 8 hours, but it's more like 8 mins, lol. Visit Free Online Course in Personality Development - Open Learning World.com
Have fun!
Off to bed now with an image of Nemo belly dancing into her IC's office, lol. I've got a good idea of belly dancing, dance on your H's belly, lol. See you guys later!


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> So I refuse to give him my info to be added to his health insurance for the new benefits year. This man goes to work and puts me on speakerphone with the HR lady !!!! He knows I wont act a donkey with her...so his mission was accomplished. I posted that to say this. If he wants something done he finds means to do it. So why can't he communicate verbally to me what the heck we're doing ??!!!


You want to know what he's doing? I'm gonna take a stab at it...trying to break the cycle.

Why act a donkey with him but not with the HR person? You should be treating your spouse better that some random person off the street...but do you? Really?

He made the first step in changing the dynamic by moving out. So far, I see you fighting like hell not to change. I get the feeling that you are boiling mad under the surface all the time. Isn't this what he was trying to get away from...trying to change. If he moved back home, how would you change things from before? Could you even change things?

Good luck in IC tomorrow. I truly believe that you should try to get in a couple of times a week for a few weeks, if possible. Get to the bottom of this.

And let us know what you find out.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, I think we should get hold of your H and my H and Nemo's H and bang their heads together, lol.


Yeah let's do that and call it a Tri-graine...lol


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You want to know what he's doing? I'm gonna take a stab at it...trying to break the cycle.
> 
> Why act a donkey with him but not with the HR person? You should be treating your spouse better that some random person off the street...but do you? Really?
> 
> He made the first step in changing the dynamic by moving out. So far, I see you fighting like hell not to change. I get the feeling that you are boiling mad under the surface all the time. Isn't this what he was trying to get away from...trying to change. If he moved back home, how would you change things from before? Could you even change things?
> 
> Good luck in IC tomorrow. I truly believe that you should try to get in a couple of times a week for a few weeks, if possible. Get to the bottom of this.
> 
> And let us know what you find out.


Wow 2x4's.....but i have to again admit you're right. Why cant I see this stuff myself ? I guess IC will reveal me to me. I have always thought I knew me if I didn't know anyone else. Wrong is what ive been. Im too controlling too. That I have noticed. Spoiled is what he calls it. Regrouping now, guess I had a major setback this week, huh ? Sooo embarrassing it is....smdh @ myself.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I've found a free online course for personality development  I've just had a look at the dressing with confidence one. It says it takes 8 hours, but it's more like 8 mins, lol. Visit Free Online Course in Personality Development - Open Learning World.com
> Have fun!
> Off to bed now with an image of Nemo belly dancing into her IC's office, lol. I've got a good idea of belly dancing, dance on your H's belly, lol. See you guys later!


Thanks for sharing...i need all the help I can get....
Lol at your comment about Nemo bellydancing into the IC office...lol i need to take up bellydancing. I think it's cool.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, I think we should get hold of your H and my H and Nemo's H and bang their heads together, lol.




I go off to cause some trouble all by lonesome and I leave you guys here to hold down the fort and what happens? We've got you guys messing around with 2 X 4's , aromatherapy and getting these guys out their clothes. I love you guys. :smthumbup:

I wish I could have posted before Lost went off to bed. You will never guess who was a bit unnerved by the fact that I went to class tonight. He wasn't sure where else I went, but he kept sending me text messages asking me if I was actually at class and was I having fun. I don't think he believed I actually went. He was quite distant when I saw him at his work. So I was surprised he kept sending me messages. My daughter said they had a conversation about what kind of meeting I could be going to and was I actually going to wear my dance wear to the meeting. You would think he had a problem. Poor fella!!  

When he brought our daughter back tonight he didn't get out of the car at first. I walked around to the driver's side door, opened the door and asked for my hug. My counselor said he might act distant for a few times of seeing me, but not to take it personal. He told me Sunday revealed a lot of things that my husband wanted me to see, but at the same time he feels bad because he showed what he wants, but thinks he can't have it right now. I was told to keep going on as if nothing happened. So, I walked around and asked for my hug. He did give me a hug without any hesitation. I didn't push my luck and ask for a kiss, too. Although, I really wanted to. It looks like my dear old friend Patience is going to be moving back in with me again for a while. DARN it!! I want to play with aromatherapy and other fun stuff like every body else is. 

I have so much to tell you guys that my counselor said today. I am going to write in another post so that I can break it all down to you. I am glad I saw my counselor and went to class. Nemo has a spring in her step and a shimmy on her hips tonight. Now where's my husband...Nemo wants to dance. :rofl:


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## lostwithouthim

Belly dancing does sound kinda fun  I thing we should all go together, lol. We have a lot of zumba classes over here at the moment. One was at our local church but it's stopped now. That would've been the best one to go to as it's only about 15 mins walk from me! I've got my son with me most of the time, so it's got to be something that we can both do together and I don't really think that he'll go for the belly dancing, lol. You've given me an incentive though Nemo and I'm going to check my local leisure centre to see what they've got on 
Good for you having patience Nemo  I wish I could get a hug never mind a kiss, lol.
Tron you are spot on with what you said to Catch  She won't listen to us, lol. 
Nemo, so glad you got on well with your counselling, look forward to hearing all about it 
Lol at you saying that we're playing around whilst you're not here  We'll have some more fun this evening, it made me laugh and took our minds off things  Did you know you can wear aromatherapy like a perfume, but don't forget to mix it with oil first. Mix some ylang ylang with oil and put it on your wrists and neck. The next time you see your H he may not be able to keep his hands off you, lol.
Looking forward to the cinema today  We're off to a city near us as it's got bigger cinema screens than we have round here. I feel like a little kid again, so excited 
As it's only 4 in the morning for you guys, I guess I'll see you when I get back 
Bye for now


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I go off to cause some trouble all by lonesome and I leave you guys here to hold down the fort and what happens? We've got you guys messing around with 2 X 4's , aromatherapy and getting these guys out their clothes. I love you guys. :smthumbup:
> 
> I wish I could have posted before Lost went off to bed. You will never guess who was a bit unnerved by the fact that I went to class tonight. He wasn't sure where else I went, but he kept sending me text messages asking me if I was actually at class and was I having fun. I don't think he believed I actually went. He was quite distant when I saw him at his work. So I was surprised he kept sending me messages. My daughter said they had a conversation about what kind of meeting I could be going to and was I actually going to wear my dance wear to the meeting. You would think he had a problem. Poor fella!!
> 
> When he brought our daughter back tonight he didn't get out of the car at first. I walked around to the driver's side door, opened the door and asked for my hug. My counselor said he might act distant for a few times of seeing me, but not to take it personal. He told me Sunday revealed a lot of things that my husband wanted me to see, but at the same time he feels bad because he showed what he wants, but thinks he can't have it right now. I was told to keep going on as if nothing happened. So, I walked around and asked for my hug. He did give me a hug without any hesitation. I didn't push my luck and ask for a kiss, too. Although, I really wanted to. It looks like my dear old friend Patience is going to be moving back in with me again for a while. DARN it!! I want to play with aromatherapy and other fun stuff like every body else is.
> 
> I have so much to tell you guys that my counselor said today. I am going to write in another post so that I can break it all down to you. I am glad I saw my counselor and went to class. Nemo has a spring in her step and a shimmy on her hips tonight. Now where's my husband...Nemo wants to dance. :rofl:


Nemo I just love your personality and sense of humor. ..lol How was it getting back im the groove of bellydancing dancing ? Im sure the H is missing those dances hun. He probably kept texting thinking oh gosh I.better get right fast. Thos dances are all mine


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## catch22gofigure

IC today you all and I am.sooo scared. Scared of me. The emotions i'll encounter. ..sighs. at the same time im looking forward to it. I know for sure my funds will be here today. Im not gonna run file though. I will wait until I get some sessions under my belt and get to the bottom of some things. I never want to do anything ill later regret. Im taking you guys advice on this. I sure hope none of us are wrong. He asked yesterday about me planning a family trip to a water theme park. I agreed but uhhhh, none of us can swim. I've. Still been staying positive with him. Cooked him some crab legs, lemon and garlic shrim with pasta alfredo sauce, steamed and seasoned broccoli, with garlic breadsticks. He loved that. Thenight before i made his fave my homemade lasagna with 4 xheeses Italian sausage and pepperoni, salad with all the fixings and corn. So ive dropped in a couple of love deposits. He loves to eat.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Belly dancing does sound kinda fun  I thing we should all go together, lol. We have a lot of zumba classes over here at the moment. One was at our local church but it's stopped now. That would've been the best one to go to as it's only about 15 mins walk from me! I've got my son with me most of the time, so it's got to be something that we can both do together and I don't really think that he'll go for the belly dancing, lol. You've given me an incentive though Nemo and I'm going to check my local leisure centre to see what they've got on
> Good for you having patience Nemo  I wish I could get a hug never mind a kiss, lol.
> Tron you are spot on with what you said to Catch  She won't listen to us, lol.
> Nemo, so glad you got on well with your counselling, look forward to hearing all about it
> Lol at you saying that we're playing around whilst you're not here  We'll have some more fun this evening, it made me laugh and took our minds off things  Did you know you can wear aromatherapy like a perfume, but don't forget to mix it with oil first. Mix some ylang ylang with oil and put it on your wrists and neck. The next time you see your H he may not be able to keep his hands off you, lol.
> Looking forward to the cinema today  We're off to a city near us as it's got bigger cinema screens than we have round here. I feel like a little kid again, so excited
> As it's only 4 in the morning for you guys, I guess I'll see you when I get back
> Bye for now


See there ya go...lol Now Lost ,I do too listen to you and Nemo. It's just that I know your situations with your H's. Distance and stuff comes.into play often. Unlike with my H. So I don't want y'all to think that all this he is doing is sooooo great. It may be. Maybe i am not able to see it right yet through all of my own mess. But these things he is doing. Thats just him. Mad or not he's a pretty decent dude...key word "pretty". This is his let me reel her back in dance. Touchy touchy feely feely...buying this cooking that...its all the norm for him and us. And we always eventually end up back at each other throats. Im sick of that cycle. So for once I want to hear what his mind and heart thinks about us. His actions aren't what will show me if we have what's built to last. His actions show me he thinks these things are enough to string me along until he decides what he wants to do. I dont want that. That makes me feel invaluable if that makes any sense. Like uhhh she aint going no where.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> IC today you all and I am.sooo scared. Scared of me. The emotions i'll encounter. ..sighs. at the same time im looking forward to it. I know for sure my funds will be here today. Im not gonna run file though. I will wait until I get some sessions under my belt and get to the bottom of some things. I never want to do anything ill later regret. Im taking you guys advice on this. I sure hope none of us are wrong. He asked yesterday about me planning a family trip to a water theme park. I agreed but uhhhh, none of us can swim. I've. Still been staying positive with him. Cooked him some crab legs, lemon and garlic shrim with pasta alfredo sauce, steamed and seasoned broccoli, with garlic breadsticks. He loved that. Thenight before i made his fave my homemade lasagna with 4 xheeses Italian sausage and pepperoni, salad with all the fixings and corn. So ive dropped in a couple of love deposits. He loves to eat.


Well they do say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, lol  Hope your IC goes well today  Glad you've changed your mind about filing for now, get you sorted out first  Good luck!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> See there ya go...lol Now Lost ,I do too listen to you and Nemo. It's just that I know your situations with your H's. Distance and stuff comes.into play often. Unlike with my H. So I don't want y'all to think that all this he is doing is sooooo great. It may be. Maybe i am not able to see it right yet through all of my own mess. But these things he is doing. Thats just him. Mad or not he's a pretty decent dude...key word "pretty". This is his let me reel her back in dance. Touchy touchy feely feely...buying this cooking that...its all the norm for him and us. And we always eventually end up back at each other throats. Im sick of that cycle. So for once I want to hear what his mind and heart thinks about us. His actions aren't what will show me if we have what's built to last. His actions show me he thinks these things are enough to string me along until he decides what he wants to do. I dont want that. That makes me feel invaluable if that makes any sense. Like uhhh she aint going no where.


When you get into a fight, is it always him that starts it? I know it's always my H and I know it's part of his depression. I know it's hard, but try not to argue back - just chill about it! Even laugh about it, after all he's not living with you at the mo and he's got no reason to talk to you or argue with you like that anymore.


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## lostwithouthim

Had a good day today at the cinema and the train ride  
One thing happened though that nearly spoilt the day and that is our mutual friend texted me today and said that my H still hasn't been in touch with her and she thinks it's ignorant. She seems to blame me for him not getting in touch with her, she goes all moody and silent on me. I told her that he is probably depressed which is what my H told me to say, but the real reason is that he doesn't want to talk to her at the mo. He says he's a loner and he doesn't want ppl texting him 3 or 4 times a week. He chooses when he sees his friends or not. Now I'm the one who's confused about this. Does this mean he's turning into a bit of a hermit and prefers his own company to that of his family. Maybe that's why he's choosing to live on his own, he actually prefers it that way!
Anyway my friend went all moody on me, she said that she knew he would use his depression as an excuse. She goes on "it is pure ignorance and bad manners to not text me back" she goes on to say I'm better off without him, he never considered me when he left and he's a selfish g*t. She goes on to say I should take his keys off him, he has no right to come and go as he pleases and as for coming round at 7.30am he is proper taking the p**s and I am letting him do it to me.
I told her that at the end of the day he's still my husband and I still love him and miss him and he needs the key for when he comes round to pick up our son and take him places when I'm at college. That's when she went all moody and silent on me. I can't stand negative talk like that, especially as I'm hoping for R eventually. It did get me thinking though that he does prefer it on his own and he doesn't miss family life. After all he only comes round when he chooses to come round, never when I want him to. But then I suppose I never ask him to come round, he always makes the decisions, lol. Do you think I'm reading too much into this?


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## NotEZ

Hey guys, quick update. Hubby is still in the hospital, being released this morning. We spent a lot of time at the hospital, the 4 of us. The last 3 days he's been able to leave the room and stuff so we spent a lot of time just sitting outside. I don't think we've ever texted as much as we did this week. Pretty much all thru the day while I was at work. Nothing big, just chatting. We thought he might be released last night so we had our plans all worked out. They then decided to release him this morning instead. I've been staying at my parents house this week as my mom has been watching my youngest and taking the older to school while I've been working. We figured that hubby would meet mom and our D3 at the house after she drops the oldest at school so he could get the keys. We live about 3 blocks from the hospital, so he figured he'd walk and just wait for them at the house. Mom texted him and said she'd pick him up, too which he said no. I texted him after work and said it makes no sense to walk, just let her pick you up so he said ok. Then he texts me "you told me not to take advantage of your mom, so I'm trying not too". That stung... But I didn't respond just said she'll text you when she gets there. He apologized in case he upset me... Said it wasn't his intention. Don't know how he knew since we were texting and I didn't say anything. 

Now it might not make sense why that comment would bother me. Like Ive said, hubby doesn't talk. I never know where things stand. In the past month, he's done this a lot. We (I) had a long convo about a month ago, and explained where I was coming from. I told him that it is confusing to me when we act as a couple but not being one is the excuse he gives me to not discuss things with me. I told him at that point that if he wants to live together separately then we have to do that. If you don't want to talk with me, don't talk to me about anything except day today interactions. He can work out child care details for his appointments, etc... Because it feels sometimes that. He takes advantage of the parts of family he wants but then uses the separated excuse to not deal with the parts he doesn't like. Since this conversation there have been 3 incidents where it's been brought up like this. The first, which I commented on in another post was his sharing with me about his appointment a few weeks ago. Which was great I loved that. He said he trusted me and knew he could talk to me about it and I wanted him to open up more. Great. Then last week, I overheard him on the phone with his mom regarding a family issue. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it. He said because you told me not to talk to you about things??? Then this comment. It's like heard parts of what I said in this conversation but didn't actually listen to the context in which I said them. So, of course it upset me because my point was that it confused me and I wanted to clear it up, but all he heard is do this, don't do that and he's trying to do all of them like that's what I wanted and it isn't. Then if I do get upset he says he's doing exactly what I said and I'm still not happy. Don't know how to tell him in a way that he will understand what I'm trying to say.

Anyway, I'm not going to bring it up with him at all. Things were going good, so I'll leave it for now but it still bothers me. Anyway, gotta get back to work so I will be back later to read everyone else's updates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> When you get into a fight, is it always him that starts it? I know it's always my H and I know it's part of his depression. I know it's hard, but try not to argue back - just chill about it! Even laugh about it, after all he's not living with you at the mo and he's got no reason to talk to you or argue with you like that anymore.


 Nope he hasn't sparked a argument in a while. Its his attitude and stuff that generally sets me off. Sooo nonchalant at times. Or his tone...it kinda goes bk to the actions speak volumes things. He don't have to say nothing...i know when its his period time.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Had a good day today at the cinema and the train ride  H still hasn't been in touch with her and she thinks it's ignorant. She seems to blame me for him not getting in touch with her, she goes all moody and silent on me.



Lost, let her comments roll off of you. You are not responsible for your husband's actions. If she is that upset that he won't contact her then she should take that up with your husband. As for the rest of it, that is her trying to get you to do something "for her benefit" by picking at the areas where you are most vulnerable. If she makes you feel like crap then she thinks you will run to him and "make" him contact her. It's a typical game people play. It's the same kind of head game my FIL plays all of the time so I recognize it any where. 

This is between your husband, yourself and your son. Who cares if he still has a key? I don't know the law there, but I do know until the legal matters are met, you are still married to your husband. How you guys play this out is totally up to the two of you. The time might not be right for conversation, but eventually the two of your are going to have have more conversation and something will give...be it for better or worst, it's not always going to be like this. You might try making yourself a list of things that you want to talk to him about and slowly one subject at a time ask him about them. (this is a recommendation from my counselor being that I have such short contact time with my husband) Our lovely friend Patience is hard at work once again.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Nope he hasn't sparked a argument in a while. Its his attitude and stuff that generally sets me off. Sooo nonchalant at times. Or his tone...it kinda goes bk to the actions speak volumes things. He don't have to say nothing...i know when its his period time.


H doesn't start arguments but can get premenstrual. Does this happen when he is stressed? From work or from Catch?


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## catch22gofigure

Hi NotEz ! Thanks for checking in with us. i was wondering what you're up to. I know it gets tough but just hold on and pray. I can't say whats best to do or not right now. I had a setback and dont want to advise you wrong. Lemme get back on track first. I start IC today. Hopefully that'll help me sort some things out. Glad to hear he's well enough to come home now though.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Nope he hasn't sparked a argument in a while. Its his attitude and stuff that generally sets me off. Sooo nonchalant at times. Or his tone...it kinda goes bk to the actions speak volumes things. He don't have to say nothing...i know when its his period time.



Okay..so if you know when it's his period time...you have to be the change. Change the dynamics of the situation. My husband and I used to argue every single FULL MOON. It wouldn't matter how good of a day we were having, something would always set one of us off. You know what drew us out of this? We were in counseling one day and my husband mentioned this to the counselor. She looked at her calendar and said...it's FULL MOON so let's go. Right here. Right now. We know the fight is coming so let's just get it over with. Why wait? My husband and I just looked at her stunned. Her point was...we knew it was coming so it was up to us to change the dynamics of it. And we did. This happened long before we separated and we have not had a fight on a FULL MOON since because we are now on our guard against it. My point...you are now in charge of changing the dynamics. You have to start making different decisions as to how you handle his periods. Your IC will help you with this if you talk to them about it. You're already half way there since you recognize it.....


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## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> Okay..so if you know when it's his period time...you have to be the change the dynamics of the situation. My husband and I used to argue every single FULL MOON. It wouldn't matter how good of a day we were having, something would always set one of us off. You know what drew us out of this? We were in counseling one day and my husband mentioned this to the counselor. She looked at her calendar and said...it's FULL MOON so let's go. Right here. Right now. We know the fight is coming so let's just get it over with. Why wait? My husband and I just looked at her stunned. Her point was...we knew it was coming so it was up to us to change the dynamics of it. And we did. This happened long before we separated and we have not had a fight on a FULL MOON since because we are now on our guard against it. My point...you are now in charge of changing the dynamics. You have to start making different decisions as to how you handle his periods. Your IC will help you with this if you talk to them about it. You're already half way there since you recognize it.....


That is so weird. But funny too. And interesting that you changed things yourselves after recognizing the problem.

I have done the same...realized what would set me off and make an effort to slow down and then be still when I know what is coming. Much easier to do when you are actively and consciously aware of those triggers.


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## lostwithouthim

NotEZ said:


> Hey guys, quick update.
> Anyway, I'm not going to bring it up with him at all. Things were going good, so I'll leave it for now but it still bothers me. Anyway, gotta get back to work so I will be back later to read everyone else's updates.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Notez, good to see you on here  I know what you mean about that, my H tends to focus on the negative comments that I say and not the positive things that I say. I think that the best thing is not to say anything, lol only kidding  What I meant to say is only say positive things, that's what I TRY and do  It is hard though. Try not to react to any negative comments he may say. By only giving him positive comments, you're putting love deposits into his love bank  Being there for him whilst he's been ill is a huge love deposit and shows him that you care  As we've said before, don't try and rush things along, have patience  See you on here soon I hope


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Nope he hasn't sparked a argument in a while. Its his attitude and stuff that generally sets me off. Sooo nonchalant at times. Or his tone...it kinda goes bk to the actions speak volumes things. He don't have to say nothing...i know when its his period time.


I've just said something similar to Notez. When he's being like that, try and ignore it and walk away. Don't get into a fight, you've got to stay positive around him  You can mention quietly about his behaviour, not shouting but just oh I didn't expect that reaction off you.
When my H snapped at me one time, I said quietly ok there's no need to snap. He later rang me up to apologise  Try it and see, it's worth a go


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## catch22gofigure

Just bought Co Dependent no more and a hour away from IC...wish me luck


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi NotEz ! Thanks for checking in with us. i was wondering what you're up to. I know it gets tough but just hold on and pray. I can't say whats best to do or not right now. I had a setback and dont want to advise you wrong. Lemme get back on track first. I start IC today. Hopefully that'll help me sort some things out. Glad to hear he's well enough to come home now though.



Catch, you are going to recover from this. Think about this....what kind of things have you been taught in order to resolve problems. I bet your "Tool Box" contains Fight back, Argue, and Divorce because that is what most people are familiar with. Think of your counselor as a place to go shopping for better tools to put in the tool box. I guarantee you that you are going to start feeling much better once you have more tools in your tool box. I can't wait to hear how things went for you today. Today will mostly be about talking and giving background information. The next visit is where your real journey is going to begin. I am excited for you.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Lost, let her comments roll off of you. You are not responsible for your husband's actions. If she is that upset that he won't contact her then she should take that up with your husband. As for the rest of it, that is her trying to get you to do something "for her benefit" by picking at the areas where you are most vulnerable. If she makes you feel like crap then she thinks you will run to him and "make" him contact her. It's a typical game people play. It's the same kind of head game my FIL plays all of the time so I recognize it any where.
> 
> This is between your husband, yourself and your son. Who cares if he still has a key? I don't know the law there, but I do know until the legal matters are met, you are still married to your husband. How you guys play this out is totally up to the two of you. The time might not be right for conversation, but eventually the two of your are going to have have more conversation and something will give...be it for better or worst, it's not always going to be like this. You might try making yourself a list of things that you want to talk to him about and slowly one subject at a time ask him about them. (this is a recommendation from my counselor being that I have such short contact time with my husband) Our lovely friend Patience is hard at work once again.


I know you're right Nemo and thank goodness I've not let my H know what she's been saying  It might make him distance himself more!
The law here is the same. He is still joint owner to this property, so he has got the right to have a key.
I so want it to work out for the better, I hope one day we will get R and it doesn't go the other way.
I dunno about the list though, that makes me nervous as to what his response might be. I'd rather think everything's going along swimmingly and bury my head in the sand. I know that's not the right way of doing things, but I don't want to be hurt anymore than I have already been.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Just bought Co Dependent no more and a hour away from IC...wish me luck


Good luck Catch


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Okay..so if you know when it's his period time...you have to be the change the dynamics of the situation. My husband and I used to argue every single FULL MOON. It wouldn't matter how good of a day we were having, something would always set one of us off. You know what drew us out of this? We were in counseling one day and my husband mentioned this to the counselor. She looked at her calendar and said...it's FULL MOON so let's go. Right here. Right now. We know the fight is coming so let's just get it over with. Why wait? My husband and I just looked at her stunned. Her point was...we knew it was coming so it was up to us to change the dynamics of it. And we did. This happened long before we separated and we have not had a fight on a FULL MOON since because we are now on our guard against it. My point...you are now in charge of changing the dynamics. You have to start making different decisions as to how you handle his periods. Your IC will help you with this if you talk to them about it. You're already half way there since you recognize it.....


You're so right. Im working on it. I really am. Or at least trying. I guess I want to wave a majic wand and instantly fix me. It's not gonna happen. I just have to slow down and take that time to think. Im a very spur of the moment sporadic person. That has to stop


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I wish I could get a hug never mind a kiss, lol.


I haven't always gotten hugs and kisses. When we were not allowed to talk to each other but we could see each other to exchange our daughter I made a comment to my husband that I wish I could hug him. He put his hands in the air and shrugged. He could have given a care less. Several months went by and he was really down. He had no money, his job was on the edge, his family was gone, and he had so much anger and secrets that he was harboring. I asked him if it would okay if I gave him a hug. He opened his arms and I stepped into them. He wrapped me in his arms and nearly hugged the breathe out of me. He needed me to take the step forward to show him that he wasn't alone in this mess. 

Don't wait for something serious to happen or for him to make the first move. If you want a hug, find a way to get it. The next time you see him and he is going to leave...speak up and ask if it would be okay for you to hug him good bye. He can say yes...he can say no. Just be prepared for either answer.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Just bought Co Dependent no more and a hour away from IC...wish me luck


Good luck...Baby.


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## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Good luck...Baby.


Good luck you.


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## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> Good luck you.


I've been trying to get a reaction out of her for over a week now. Testing her resolve. She ain't bitin'...and that's good!


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> I've been trying to get a reaction out of her for over a week now. Testing her resolve. She ain't bitin'...and that's good!


Are you talking about Catch tron as it's not very clear what you're on about, lol


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I haven't always gotten hugs and kisses. When we were not allowed to talk to each other but we could see each other to exchange our daughter I made a comment to my husband that I wish I could hug him. He put his hands in the air and shrugged. He could have given a care less. Several months went by and he was really down. He had no money, his job was on the edge, his family was gone, and he had so much anger and secrets that he was harboring. I asked him if it would okay if I gave him a hug. He opened his arms and I stepped into them. He wrapped me in his arms and nearly hugged the breathe out of me. He needed me to take the step forward to show him that he wasn't alone in this mess.
> 
> Don't wait for something serious to happen or for him to make the first move. If you want a hug, find a way to get it. The next time you see him and he is going to leave...speak up and ask if it would be okay for you to hug him good bye. He can say yes...he can say no. Just be prepared for either answer.


I don't think he's at the stage to give me a hug and I'd hate for the answer to be no. I'll just bide my time I think


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## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> Are you talking about Catch tron as it's not very clear what you're on about, lol


Why? Am I getting a reaction out of you. If so we need to talk.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Why? Am I getting a reaction out of you. If so we need to talk.


no you aren't but I'll hit you with a 2x4 if you don't tell me who you are talking about, lol


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## catch22gofigure

Well IC was ok I guess. Just a bunch of her asking my life story and so on. She really didn't give a lot of feedback. She said we'll get into that more next session. Not a whole lot more to add to today. Other than I got my book and getting started on that in a few.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> H doesn't start arguments but can get premenstrual. Does this happen when he is stressed? From work or from Catch?


Yes !! Every dang pay day and the night before payday. I dread to see it coming. I would hide bills and try to pay them myself because showing them to him would kill his mood instantly. Like today was his payday. He didn't get menstrual. ..but distant. And attitudey..
That's the main reason I didn't want on his insurance. ..that is more money unlike at his last job where it was everyone for a flat fee. As soon as they start deducting this...I guarantee im gonna hear it. He won't gear it towards me or the kids...itll just be like ...mannn they killing me with this high azz insurance. ..i just know it. I know him...

And I guess some of it could be from me. Have to remember though I am just learning the things i've been doing. No excuse but it's true. To be honest I always thought I was doing all I could to keep the peace. I wasn't though, a lot of stuff was just adding fuel to the fire.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch, you are going to recover from this. Think about this....what kind of things have you been taught in order to resolve problems. I bet your "Tool Box" contains Fight back, Argue, and Divorce because that is what most people are familiar with. Think of your counselor as a place to go shopping for better tools to put in the tool box. I guarantee you that you are going to start feeling much better once you have more tools in your tool box. I can't wait to hear how things went for you today. Today will mostly be about talking and giving background information. The next visit is where your real journey is going to begin. I am excited for you.


Yep that is exacrly how the first visit was. I was sitting there thinking dangit lady gimme something to do. Tell me what I need to work on SOMETHING already. She was filling out my next appt. I was thinking wth ?? Lady I need some serious dang help. So I asked her. Just what can or will youbdo for me, then she explained.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I've been trying to get a reaction out of her for over a week now. Testing her resolve. She ain't bitin'...and that's good!


What's this mean Tron ? Out of me ? Or who ?


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> no you aren't but I'll hit you with a 2x4 if you don't tell me who you are talking about, lol


:rofl: im puzzled like a mugg as to what he's talking about. Im a country girl too so what the heck is a resolve in this sense ?


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## Finding Nemo

Here we go guys. Monday my husband starts his classes. I was outside working in my yard when he sent me an entire series of text messages to let me know all about it. This is the first time that he has included me in anything that has happened to him since this mess started. Before I had to learn about what was going on by my legal advocate team. I am not quite sure how to respond back to him. I am excited for him. Because he is in an extremely low category, he will be going through the counseling and classes by himself once a week. Then once a month he'll be meeting with the rest of the group. I am really happy that he is by himself because they will be able to work from deep within him. YES! Shimmy!! Shimmy! Shimmy! I am doing the happy dance. If things go well he could be finished in as little as 4 to 6 months. It just depends upon how well they think he is doing. He is worried it's going to drag out for 9 to 12 months, but I am praying it doesn't. Not sure I can handle that much more time. I'll get through it some how...just don't want to be friends with Patience any longer than I have to.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Here we go guys. Monday my husband starts his classes. I was outside working in my yard when he sent me an entire series of text messages to let me know all about it. This is the first time that he has included me in anything that has happened to him since this mess started. Before I had to learn about what was going on by my legal advocate team. I am not quite sure how to respond back to him. I am excited for him. Because he is in an extremely low category, he will be going through the counseling and classes by himself once a week. Then once a month he'll be meeting with the rest of the group. I am really happy that he is by himself because they will be able to work from deep within him. YES! Shimmy!! Shimmy! Shimmy! I am doing the happy dance. If things go well he could be finished in as little as 4 to 6 months. It just depends upon how well they think he is doing. He is worried it's going to drag out for 9 to 12 months, but I am praying it doesn't. Not sure I can handle that much more time. I'll get through it some how...just don't want to be friends with Patience any longer than I have to.


Yaaaay for you both !  he needs it and you. need him to have it. Win win situation! . Hopefully it won't last too long. Big plus him discussing it with you toi. Maybe those walls Are slowly coming down.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> ...mannn they killing me with this high azz insurance. ..i just know it. I know him....



This is something that I am having to learn as well. My husband gets moody about money and then he says smart remarks and it makes me feel bad because there isn't much I can do to help him at the moment. Like right now. Our money is already spread out tissue paper thin, but now he has to come up with more money in order to pay for each class. It's nearly 200 more dollars a month that we are going to have to scrap together. I'll just bit my tongue each time he talks about money and we'll get through this some how. Tron, if you have any suggestions for us, I know we would appreciate the input.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> This is something that I am having to learn as well. My husband gets moody about money and then he says smart remarks and it makes me feel bad because there isn't much I can do to help him at the moment. Like right now. Our money is already spread out tissue paper thin, but now he has to come up with more money in order to pay for each class. It's nearly 200 more dollars a month that we are going to have to scrap together. I'll just bit my tongue each time he talks about money and we'll get through this some how. Tron, if you have any suggestions for us, I know we would appreciate the input.


My H also has an issue when I am working. When working I easily make more than him. He then talks about how i make easy money and he has to actually work for his. Shoot I work for.mine too. Brain work is just as tiring on the body as physical labor. When I first started on TAM. My unemployment benefits were reduced because I had worked seasonal through a temp service. Now I bring home only 150 less a week than he does weekly. So nowww im paying a lot of my own bills. He doesn't like this either. So kinda like my name. Catch22...im damned if I do or don't.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> What's this mean Tron ? Out of me ? Or who ?


You mentioned how your H was calling you all these pet names and it was driving you up the wall. First order of business when I came on your thread was to get you to stop being so reactive...


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## Tron

On money...the traditional Western man is ingrained from birth that it is his responsibility to provide for the family. When there isn't any money at the end of the month because of all the bills, etc. then internally we feel like we have not done our job. It is a blow to our ego, our sense of value, and our pride. When there is no money we get down on ourselves, especially if our wife is spending exactly what is budgeted or was even able to save a little and things are still tight. This is an internal battle we fight, but it will manifest itself outwardly in what you have called his PMS. We feel like we let our family down, whether we really did or not.

If the W is out spending like crazy...this will breed resentment. If money is tight and the W is able to work, and needs to work, but refuses to, this will breed resentment. If there isn't enough money at the end of the month to pay bills and you cannot squeeze the budget any more, then you will have problems with your H and the M. I am speaking in generalizations here and there are always exceptions.

My recommendation is to not let it get to resentment. If he is PMS'ing about money just because...then leave him alone for a bit or tell him it's OK, you know he works hard and he is doing the best that can be done. He will eventually get past it and cheer up.

Women are more and more making just as much or more than men, so things are slowly changing, but the traditional values are still there. It is a bit tough as a man to see your W make more money than you. We appreciate it, don't get me wrong, but it can be a bit of a blow to our ego.


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## Finding Nemo

Update. If you guys heard me squealing at the top of my lungs know that it is a good squeal. I told you guys earlier that my husband sent me all of the information for his classes, etc. Well, I didn't answer him right away. I was busy earlier, but also I wanted to sit on it a minute because I decided to call him and make the conversation more personal. We talked for almost an hour and a half. I had gone into the basement to talk him because my daughter had the TV on and we had the dishwasher, the washer and dryer going. I wanted him to be able to hear me. My daughter got concerned because I was in the basement for such a long time. She thought we were fighting. She came down to check on us and I was actually giggling. :rofl:

We were talking about all kinds of stuff. Not just about his classes, but we were talking about what a great day we had on Sunday. We didn't talk about the kiss or anything like that. We were talking about his guitar that I bought for him. He told me the guitar is special to him because he always wanted to learn to play all of his life and I bought him the guitar and everything that goes with it. I had worked and saved the money and surprised him at Christmas two years ago. We talked about how much money he is going to have to pay our for his classes...actually our classes as he said it.

I asked him what he meant by our classes. :scratchhead: He told me that most "victims" don't know the classes are available to them. The "aggressor" pays for them. I don't know why they don't talk more about this because I have been extremely active in all kinds of groups and meetings and such. Not once did I hear about them. Anyway he told me that they don't expect the "victim" to take the classes, but they are paid for so they can. I asked my husband if he would like me to take them, too and he said you would do that? I told him Of course I would do that. He told me that it would mean a lot to him if I would. I told him that there is just one problem with this set up and he said what do you mean? I told him...I am not a victim. I am a survivor of a bad situation. He said ... That' my girl. Always looking for the good in everything. So, I guess I am off to find out about these classes for survivors of a bad situation. :smthumbup: 

So, on goes the conversation and we got on the subject of our daughter and we talked about getting her out of the house this summer. My husband asked me to try and find somethings that won't cost much since our money is spread so thin. I gave him an update on my work schedule to help give him some ideas of when I may need financial help and when I will be okay. Then we agreed that I would help bring her to him for visitation rather than him coming to get our daughter. My counselors office is near his work so this will help with saving on gas expenses.

Now here is the part where you all should have heard me say "SQEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I told him that my counselor keeps asking me every time I go to see him what the game plan is. He wants to know what my husband's intent it so that he knows how to help me. This is addition to everything else I am working on with my counselor. Every visit I have told him that I don't know. Well, now I can tell him we have a plan and we have a goal! Shimmy! Shimmy! Shake! Shake!! Oh I am so happy right now. It may take 9 months to get there, but we will get there one way or another. Here's the deal...

My husband found out this afternoon that they changed the group they had put him in. He had to take an evaluation test and answer a bunch of questions. Based on his answers they feel that he has had some pretty rough experiences growing up and they feel that he is going to need some time to work through that. He said that he was honest with them and told them everything they wanted to know. They still feel he is extremely low risk and they are still going to work one on one with him and have him join a group meeting once a month. The bad part is that by changing his group it is going to take 8 to 9 months to get through the classes. But guess what? At the end of 9 months the lease on his apartment is up. He said he will come home then if not sooner. He wants to play it by ear and see how things are going, but definitely when the lease is up. :bounce:

So what to do with "US" in the meanwhile? We agreed first of all that we are going to meet once a month to have a family meeting. This won't be at a dinner or a movie or something like that. This is the family getting together for something like a picnic at a park. Something low key so that we can focus on time together and just talk and connect. Also, because his schedule is so packed right now, we agreed that I would call him once a week so that we can just talk. Not about "us". That is what the monthly meeting is for. This is a connecting call where we can ask each other how things are going, what we might need help with, etc. This is in addition to still seeing each other when we exchange our daughter etc. Also, my husband said he may invite me to more of the things he and our daughter are doing. Especially with it being summer and we could go for walks, picnics, hikes and stuff that won't cost anything. 

He asked if he could have a couple of things from home and I told him of course. He said he doesn't want to buy a bunch of stuff and then have to sell it. He said he doesn't spend much time at the apartment so he doesn't need much. He just wants to make it more comfortable for when our daughter is there. I am all for that. 

Oh...and get this. He said something interesting to me. He asked me to stand still and stop trying to get help from outside sources ( he was referring to the mediation and the assistance that I sought help from). He says he is still with us as a family. He said if I am floundering all over the place it is going to confuse him and he is never going to be able to know if he is on the right path to the right home or not. 

You guys would think this would be enough for me, right? HA! :smthumbup: I am much more complicated than all of this. I am still going to work at breaking through what ever this fear is that he says he has...he needs to be able to come home and I need to be able to go to the apartment. 

Patience my dear friend, since you are so insistent in hanging around, I think you should have to start paying me for the use of my time. :rofl:


----------



## Finding Nemo

I am still working on the post where I tell you guys what my counselor said about Sunday. I got tied up in the last conversation with my husband. It was much more exciting to me.:smthumbup: I'll see if I can get the post out here for you guys to see it.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> :rofl: im puzzled like a mugg as to what he's talking about. Im a country girl too so what the heck is a resolve in this sense ?


I'm as puzzled as you are Catch  I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't get this lol


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Here we go guys. Monday my husband starts his classes. I was outside working in my yard when he sent me an entire series of text messages to let me know all about it. This is the first time that he has included me in anything that has happened to him since this mess started. Before I had to learn about what was going on by my legal advocate team. I am not quite sure how to respond back to him. I am excited for him. Because he is in an extremely low category, he will be going through the counseling and classes by himself once a week. Then once a month he'll be meeting with the rest of the group. I am really happy that he is by himself because they will be able to work from deep within him. YES! Shimmy!! Shimmy! Shimmy! I am doing the happy dance. If things go well he could be finished in as little as 4 to 6 months. It just depends upon how well they think he is doing. He is worried it's going to drag out for 9 to 12 months, but I am praying it doesn't. Not sure I can handle that much more time. I'll get through it some how...just don't want to be friends with Patience any longer than I have to.


That's really good that he was able to share all that with you  I bet he'll be pleased that it's finally going ahead. I hope they won't drag it out, but I don't think they will.
I know what you mean about patience, I get fed up with her at times as well, lol.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> This is something that I am having to learn as well. My husband gets moody about money and then he says smart remarks and it makes me feel bad because there isn't much I can do to help him at the moment. Like right now. Our money is already spread out tissue paper thin, but now he has to come up with more money in order to pay for each class. It's nearly 200 more dollars a month that we are going to have to scrap together. I'll just bit my tongue each time he talks about money and we'll get through this some how. Tron, if you have any suggestions for us, I know we would appreciate the input.


My H is also the same about money or lack of it. He's not happy unless he's got some. He goes all moody and depressed when he's not got any, a bit like both of your Hs. One things that bugs me though, don't these men realise that it's a lot cheaper living at home? lol.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Update. If you guys heard me squealing at the top of my lungs know that it is a good squeal.
> 
> You guys would think this would be enough for me, right? HA! :smthumbup: I am much more complicated than all of this. I am still going to work at breaking through what ever this fear is that he says he has...he needs to be able to come home and I need to be able to go to the apartment.
> 
> Patience my dear friend, since you are so insistent in hanging around, I think you should have to start paying me for the use of my time. :rofl:


That's great Nemo, I'm really happy for you  It's great to think that one day you'll be a family again  I like the idea of picnics, etc. as well to save on money  
I'm feeling sad at the same time as I wish that was the situation that me and my H was in  Both you and Catch don't really know how much you have got compared to me and you should be grateful for that  Yes he comes round and spends time at the family home, but if I don't ring him then he won't ring me. There's no physical contact apart from the massage and he's not asked since  Well he has but I said at the time it was confusing me and my feelings.
I'm really trying to embrace our dear friend Patience, but at the mo my patience is running thin! I keep telling myself it's only been nearly 2 months and it'll take a lot longer than that. He might not even return yet!
Anyway I sound all maudling in the face of Nemo's good news  Keep in touch and let us know how things get on


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Anyway I sound all maudling in the face of Nemo's good news  Keep in touch and let us know how things get on


Don't you worry about sounding maudling...I have good news, but I also have 8 to 9 months before I can say I am home free. A lot can change between now and then. For now I have to continue to work on myself and make sure that taking care of my daughter is my number one priority. I also have to help work out what ever is keeping my husband from coming home if even to drop off our daughter. How can he come home 9 months from now if all he has done is feed his fears? There is another motive behind this coming home / going to his apartment as well. We can't be intimate if we are always in public. And he can't be intimate with me until he loses what ever the fear is there either. Trust me, patience and I have some work to do still. I am sure life is going to throw some nice little curve into all of this mess some where along the way. I just hope I am strong enough to maneuver my way through it.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> My H is also the same about money or lack of it. He's not happy unless he's got some. He goes all moody and depressed when he's not got any, a bit like both of your Hs. One things that bugs me though, don't these men realise that it's a lot cheaper living at home? lol.



In my husband's case, he has no choice but to pay for two places. The family home he is locked into paying for because this is where his family lives and he has a court order that states until he finished with all of his court stuff he must take care of the mortgage and anything else he was taking care of. He had to pay for my medical bills as well.  If I were to move out into another place, he would still be required to pay for the house and the apartment. He didn't have to pay me any kind of money for hurting me, but in away this is just another way they punished him. Then there is all the legal stuff behind the apartment he is living in. He signed a year lease which means that if he were walk away from it he would still be required to pay for it just as if he lived there. So, from what he and our daughter have told me, he has been using it to help get his head of straight. Shoot! I could have saved him thousands of dollars. He could get on TAM and talk to Tron. A few 2x4s later and walla! instant money savings because his head will be more than straight. :rofl:


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## lostwithouthim

Hey Nemo, I didn't expect to see you on here at this time in the morning! Couldn't you sleep again or have you got work?
Just finished my book "hope for the separated". The good thing about this book is it gives you personal growth exercises to do at the end of each chapter. I didn't do all of them so I'm going to have to go back and do them, lol  
I'm feeling a bit brighter now  We're off out in 30 mins to meet my friend for lunch and then a pamper afternoon  Well when I say pamper, I mean it's us practising our college work on each other, lol. We're practising putting on individual lashes, should be fun!
One of the things the book mentioned to do is to ask God what I should be doing today? Who I should be phoning, what books and magazines I need to be doing, what information I need to find, what letters I need to write, etc. Write down the list as things come to you. Then ask God to put them in order of priority and mark down by each in order of priority. After you've finished them, tick them off. The book says to take each day as it comes, don't worry about what tomorrow may bring and don't work on any lists for tomorrow. Just concentrate on today


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I could have saved him thousands of dollars. He could get on TAM and talk to Tron. A few 2x4s later and walla! instant money savings because his head will be more than straight. :rofl:


I like it! lol. It is not advisable though to have your husband on here as well, not my rules but TAM's rules  He'd have to find a group that are sympathetic and some of the people on TAM are less than sympathetic as I've found out! They can make you even more depressed with their harsh comments. I nearly unsubscribed from TAM, then I met you guys  The rest is history, lol.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey Nemo, I didn't expect to see you on here at this time in the morning! Couldn't you sleep again or have you got work?


I couldn't sleep and I have work in a couple of hours,too. My daughter and I will be driving a little over an hour away for my work so she is prepared for the long trip. I on the other hand have so much in my head I couldn't get my brain to shut down. I am house watching for a neighbor this week so I am trying to remember all the things she told me I need to take care of in addition to all that I need to take care of for myself. 

Pampering sounds like a lot of fun. When my daughter was about 5 or 6 she was on a professional dance team that went all over the place for competitions. She hated wearing all of the make up and the eye lashes. If you could see her today it is hilarious. She and her friends have been using smelly markers to make hearts and stars on their hands...temporary tattoos is what they called it. Only its smeared all over the place and on their arms and they are just a mess. But, I love her and her friends all the same. 

I asked my husband for a little bit of money because I really want to get the book your are reading. I really like a lot of what you have said so far. It doesn't just apply to being separated. It could apply to a lot of life's situations. 

I will be out of her in a couple of hours and I won't be back until late in the afternoon. I have to take our daughter to see her dad after I get back. Have a fun day.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I like it! lol. It is not advisable though to have your husband on here as well, not my rules but TAM's rules  He'd have to find a group that are sympathetic and some of the people on TAM are less than sympathetic as I've found out! They can make you even more depressed with their harsh comments. I nearly unsubscribed from TAM, then I met you guys  The rest is history, lol.




I have run into that as well. Some people are just never happy and nothing will ever change them. It's sad really because they are missing out on so much.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I like it! lol. It is not advisable though to have your husband on here as well, not my rules but TAM's rules  He'd have to find a group that are sympathetic and some of the people on TAM are less than sympathetic as I've found out! They can make you even more depressed with their harsh comments. I nearly unsubscribed from TAM, then I met you guys  The rest is history, lol.



Something else that I should have noted...this is the kind of situation where I met my husband. I had been sitting chatting with people from my work and all over the world. Day after day I was answering...Hey Baby...Whatcha wearing? It would drive me nuts because they weren't interested in talking to me as a person. One night I got a bit fed up and said I am out of here. Just as I went to click off my husband's message popped up and he said...HEY...Where are you from and would you like to chat? I stayed on and my husband and I talked the entire rest of the night and into the next day. I was off so it didn't matter to me, but he left and went to work and called me on all of his breaks. Then he called me back after work and we talked until I fell asleep on him. One Saturday I had to cover for my assistant because she needed the time off. I worked an 8 hour shift with my husband on the phone with me the entire time. And I can remember to this day everything that we talked about. 

When they say God brings people into your lives for a reason I never dreamed that part of the reason my husband would be brought into my life would be to test me beyond my limits from time to time. It's hard to believe at times that I still love him as if it were 15 years ago when I met him online. 

Sorry....having a sappy flashback moment...


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You mentioned how your H was calling you all these pet names and it was driving you up the wall. First order of business when I came on your thread was to get you to stop being so reactive...


Ohhhhh ok . Well that part ive been able to keep in remembrance. He still does it and I don't say a word. He asked that I stay here again last night at his apt even though he was still on his payday period i came over, let him be distant and didn't say a word about it. To be honest im here about 5 days a week. Me and the kids. I go home trying to allow him his space and he'll do or say something to get me bk over here. Is this ok ? Imok with being here most of the time. But I do think its crazy to be paying bills in two places and of course I don't want to move over here permanently its far too small.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> On money...the traditional Western man is ingrained from birth that it is his responsibility to provide for the family. When there isn't any money at the end of the month because of all the bills, etc. then internally we feel like we have not done our job. It is a blow to our ego, our sense of value, and our pride. When there is no money we get down on ourselves, especially if our wife is spending exactly what is budgeted or was even able to save a little and things are still tight. This is an internal battle we fight, but it will manifest itself outwardly in what you have called his PMS. We feel like we let our family down, whether we really did or not.
> 
> If the W is out spending like crazy...this will breed resentment. If money is tight and the W is able to work, and needs to work, but refuses to, this will breed resentment. If there isn't enough money at the end of the month to pay bills and you cannot squeeze the budget any more, then you will have problems with your H and the M. I am speaking in generalizations here and there are always exceptions.
> 
> My recommendation is to not let it get to resentment. If he is PMS'ing about money just because...then leave him alone for a bit or tell him it's OK, you know he works hard and he is doing the best that can be done. He will eventually get past it and cheer up.
> 
> Women are more and more making just as much or more than men, so things are slowly changing, but the traditional values are still there. It is a bit tough as a man to see your W make more money than you. We appreciate it, don't get me wrong, but it can be a bit of a blow to our ego.


That part I get too. I just don't understand why after all this time he can't accept the fact that we'll be ok. Kinda the main reason I want to move out of this town. There's no work here. Even he works in a neighboring city. I can't even get service job work it seems. I was told by an employment specialist that its because of my resume. The positions ive held make me a hire risk to service jobs. They can't pay me what im used to making and they know that as soon as I get an offer from a position of my field (s ) I'll leave. H even knows this to be true, he doesn't want me to move to another city, but knows in all actuality it may be my only hope for permanent employment. I will try to give him words of appreciation and understanding next payday when I sense him pms'img. The only times he doesn't do this is when he's allowed OT and he knows he'll have a good paycheck. They are all good checks really, he does make decent pay. There is just not generally enough left over for what we're accustomed to doing when I was working. Trips to the city, days at the mall, hosting friends and family and so on...


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## catch22gofigure

Ok i had a aha moment! When i was doing my other posts. i was still at his house. I left andcame to my house to get my gym clothes. The whole lil short ride I kept thinking about what you said Tron. So that's what's up with the its ok.baby's and good luck baby's and such. ..lol i have many a duhhhh moments. ..smh. ok so nowwww I really get it.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Update. If you guys heard me squealing at the top of my lungs know that it is a good squeal. I told you guys earlier that my husband sent me all of the information for his classes, etc. Well, I didn't answer him right away. I was busy earlier, but also I wanted to sit on it a minute because I decided to call him and make the conversation more personal. We talked for almost an hour and a half. I had gone into the basement to talk him because my daughter had the TV on and we had the dishwasher, the washer and dryer going. I wanted him to be able to hear me. My daughter got concerned because I was in the basement for such a long time. She thought we were fighting. She came down to check on us and I was actually giggling. :rofl:
> 
> We were talking about all kinds of stuff. Not just about his classes, but we were talking about what a great day we had on Sunday. We didn't talk about the kiss or anything like that. We were talking about his guitar that I bought for him. He told me the guitar is special to him because he always wanted to learn to play all of his life and I bought him the guitar and everything that goes with it. I had worked and saved the money and surprised him at Christmas two years ago. We talked about how much money he is going to have to pay our for his classes...actually our classes as he said it.
> 
> I asked him what he meant by our classes. :scratchhead: He told me that most "victims" don't know the classes are available to them. The "aggressor" pays for them. I don't know why they don't talk more about this because I have been extremely active in all kinds of groups and meetings and such. Not once did I hear about them. Anyway he told me that they don't expect the "victim" to take the classes, but they are paid for so they can. I asked my husband if he would like me to take them, too and he said you would do that? I told him Of course I would do that. He told me that it would mean a lot to him if I would. I told him that there is just one problem with this set up and he said what do you mean? I told him...I am not a victim. I am a survivor of a bad situation. He said ... That' my girl. Always looking for the good in everything. So, I guess I am off to find out about these classes for survivors of a bad situation. :smthumbup:
> 
> So, on goes the conversation and we got on the subject of our daughter and we talked about getting her out of the house this summer. My husband asked me to try and find somethings that won't cost much since our money is spread so thin. I gave him an update on my work schedule to help give him some ideas of when I may need financial help and when I will be okay. Then we agreed that I would help bring her to him for visitation rather than him coming to get our daughter. My counselors office is near his work so this will help with saving on gas expenses.
> 
> Now here is the part where you all should have heard me say "SQEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I told him that my counselor keeps asking me every time I go to see him what the game plan is. He wants to know what my husband's intent it so that he knows how to help me. This is addition to everything else I am working on with my counselor. Every visit I have told him that I don't know. Well, now I can tell him we have a plan and we have a goal! Shimmy! Shimmy! Shake! Shake!! Oh I am so happy right now. It may take 9 months to get there, but we will get there one way or another. Here's the deal...
> 
> My husband found out this afternoon that they changed the group they had put him in. He had to take an evaluation test and answer a bunch of questions. Based on his answers they feel that he has had some pretty rough experiences growing up and they feel that he is going to need some time to work through that. He said that he was honest with them and told them everything they wanted to know. They still feel he is extremely low risk and they are still going to work one on one with him and have him join a group meeting once a month. The bad part is that by changing his group it is going to take 8 to 9 months to get through the classes. But guess what? At the end of 9 months the lease on his apartment is up. He said he will come home then if not sooner. He wants to play it by ear and see how things are going, but definitely when the lease is up. :bounce:
> 
> So what to do with "US" in the meanwhile? We agreed first of all that we are going to meet once a month to have a family meeting. This won't be at a dinner or a movie or something like that. This is the family getting together for something like a picnic at a park. Something low key so that we can focus on time together and just talk and connect. Also, because his schedule is so packed right now, we agreed that I would call him once a week so that we can just talk. Not about "us". That is what the monthly meeting is for. This is a connecting call where we can ask each other how things are going, what we might need help with, etc. This is in addition to still seeing each other when we exchange our daughter etc. Also, my husband said he may invite me to more of the things he and our daughter are doing. Especially with it being summer and we could go for walks, picnics, hikes and stuff that won't cost anything.
> 
> He asked if he could have a couple of things from home and I told him of course. He said he doesn't want to buy a bunch of stuff and then have to sell it. He said he doesn't spend much time at the apartment so he doesn't need much. He just wants to make it more comfortable for when our daughter is there. I am all for that.
> 
> Oh...and get this. He said something interesting to me. He asked me to stand still and stop trying to get help from outside sources ( he was referring to the mediation and the assistance that I sought help from). He says he is still with us as a family. He said if I am floundering all over the place it is going to confuse him and he is never going to be able to know if he is on the right path to the right home or not.
> 
> You guys would think this would be enough for me, right? HA! :smthumbup: I am much more complicated than all of this. I am still going to work at breaking through what ever this fear is that he says he has...he needs to be able to come home and I need to be able to go to the apartment.
> 
> Patience my dear friend, since you are so insistent in hanging around, I think you should have to start paying me for the use of my time. :rofl:


Girrrrlll I am so happy for you all !!! Im literally sitting here smiling so hard as I read this !!! This is awesome awesome with all awesomeness that goes along with it !!:smthumbup:


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> On money...the traditional Western man is ingrained from birth that it is his responsibility to provide for the family. When there isn't any money at the end of the month because of all the bills, etc. then internally we feel like we have not done our job. It is a blow to our ego, our sense of value, and our pride. When there is no money we get down on ourselves, especially if our wife is spending exactly what is budgeted or was even able to save a little and things are still tight. This is an internal battle we fight, but it will manifest itself outwardly in what you have called his PMS. We feel like we let our family down, whether we really did or not.
> 
> If the W is out spending like crazy...this will breed resentment. If money is tight and the W is able to work, and needs to work, but refuses to, this will breed resentment. If there isn't enough money at the end of the month to pay bills and you cannot squeeze the budget any more, then you will have problems with your H and the M. I am speaking in generalizations here and there are always exceptions.
> 
> My recommendation is to not let it get to resentment. If he is PMS'ing about money just because...then leave him alone for a bit or tell him it's OK, you know he works hard and he is doing the best that can be done. He will eventually get past it and cheer up.
> 
> Women are more and more making just as much or more than men, so things are slowly changing, but the traditional values are still there. It is a bit tough as a man to see your W make more money than you. We appreciate it, don't get me wrong, but it can be a bit of a blow to our ego.


Wow Tron, what an eye opener! I knew about the pride men have about proving for the family but I didn't realise how much they resented the fact that when I've got a bit more to spend and he hasn't. 
I will hold my hand up and say guilty as charged your honour! I've been going on a bit on how I've been going here and there, doing this and that and buying things for the house. I was hoping he'll see that it's cheaper to live at home, when in fact it's probably making him more resentful. 
I do try to help him in any way I can by giving him lunch on occasions, buying his shopping for him when he's only got 1 or 2 items and I have lent him some money when he's been skint.
After reading your post today, I went out with my son to meet my friend for a carvery and then onto her house afterwards. My H rang me to tell me about something and I just said we're off to my friend's house and didn't mention the carvery. That would've probably made him mad as he loves his food 
Thanks for the heads up Tron, I'll try and remember not to rub it in in future.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Don't you worry about sounding maudling...I have good news, but I also have 8 to 9 months before I can say I am home free. A lot can change between now and then. For now I have to continue to work on myself and make sure that taking care of my daughter is my number one priority. I also have to help work out what ever is keeping my husband from coming home if even to drop off our daughter. How can he come home 9 months from now if all he has done is feed his fears? There is another motive behind this coming home / going to his apartment as well. We can't be intimate if we are always in public. And he can't be intimate with me until he loses what ever the fear is there either. Trust me, patience and I have some work to do still. I am sure life is going to throw some nice little curve into all of this mess some where along the way. I just hope I am strong enough to maneuver my way through it.


Nemo, God never gives us anything that we can't handle  He also doesn't give us and easy life, but there are always lessons to be learnt when we get set challenges 
I've been reading the web site about improving your confidence and especially the one about what you wear increases your confidence. I posted the link a little while back.
It suggests that in the morning you should have a cup of lemon mixed with hot water and honey to sweeten. This cleanses you for the rest of the day. I've just bought myself some herbal lemon teabags, let's hope they have the same effect 
Another thing it mentions is always wear clothes that fit you and are not baggy on you. I've lost some weight recently, so all my clothes are baggy on me, lol. I'm going to start taking my clothes in and upcycling them to make them look new again 
This will be the new me, no more baggy clothes for me


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ohhhhh ok . Well that part ive been able to keep in remembrance. He still does it and I don't say a word. He asked that I stay here again last night at his apt even though he was still on his payday period i came over, let him be distant and didn't say a word about it. To be honest im here about 5 days a week. Me and the kids. I go home trying to allow him his space and he'll do or say something to get me bk over here. Is this ok ? Imok with being here most of the time. But I do think its crazy to be paying bills in two places and of course I don't want to move over here permanently its far too small.


Well done Catch  Bite your tongue and don't say anything, that's the spirit  Now I've got to learn how to do that, lol.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Wow Tron, what an eye opener! I knew about the pride men have about proving for the family but I didn't realise how much they resented the fact that when I've got a bit more to spend and he hasn't.
> I will hold my hand up and say guilty as charged your honour! I've been going on a bit on how I've been going here and there, doing this and that and buying things for the house. I was hoping he'll see that it's cheaper to live at home, when in fact it's probably making him more resentful.
> I do try to help him in any way I can by giving him lunch on occasions, buying his shopping for him when he's only got 1 or 2 items and I have lent him some money when he's been skint.
> After reading your post today, I went out with my son to meet my friend for a carvery and then onto her house afterwards. My H rang me to tell me about something and I just said we're off to my friend's house and didn't mention the carvery. That would've probably made him mad as he loves his food
> Thanks for the heads up Tron, I'll try and remember not to rub it in in future.


Somethings are so like right there in our face at times and we don't even notice it. I am forever grateful that Tron accepted the invite to come over and add hus perspectives,experience, and POV from a man. Because a lot of the Lost...we've been without a clue on a bunch of things.


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## catch22gofigure

Well my rollercoaster is back he's back being distant again. But still wants me there with him. I don't get it. Why ? I didn't react. Just told him i wanted to be home for a minute and left. I have some "stuff" going on ...and the combination of what's weighing on me and him I felt a reaction coming on. Last night he wanted me there with him. After he got off at midnight...that's his regular shift end. So when I speak of going over there on his work nights, that's what time of night I'm talking about. 

It does feel good to know that he makes it almost mandatory to see me before and after work. Calls every break and we spend his off days together for the most part.

He'll call later I'm sure he said he was gonna lay down a bit before work which is in a hour and half. So ill here from him either when he gets up or on his 30min commute to work. I plan being upbeat and talk about my workout and the 2nd interview I got for this position I interviewed for last week. They emailed me an assessment. So ill know something soon I'm sure.

I don't want to pull away from him too much. This is what in the past I've done when he's like this. So do I keep staying in that atmosphere or its ok to reject his request to stay sometimes and cone home like I did ?


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## catch22gofigure

Ww


lostwithouthim said:


> My H is also the same about money or lack of it. He's not happy unless he's got some. He goes all moody and depressed when he's not got any, a bit like both of your Hs. One things that bugs me though, don't these men realise that it's a lot cheaper living at home? lol.


(
Im telling ya ,THAT'S THE WHOLE THING right now look. Now only one session of IC under my belt right now a chapter of co decency no more, His Needs her needs, and you all. So what im about to say is from none of that. Just MY analysis of why he's so down. HE 'S just as looney as I am !!! He is sitting there thinking how DUMB it is that we are living out of two houses. YESSSSS !! It was a huge financial strain whe he first left but a month ago my money increased by a good bit. WEEKLY just like his pay comes. We've made it just fine and dandy at this same rate of income before, BUTTTTT this time MR. WISE GUY has moved out in a fit...and in many ways had every reason to feel it the best thing to do. But NOWWWWWW, him and her both realize how much they still care for each other and he's in conflict with his decisions. Not saying he's all wrong, but not saying he's right either. Only he knows that and he won't talk or dare admit to it. He WANTS me to either move in or ask him back home. That's the power struggle thingy in him. That way if it does indeed not work out. Its my fault. I ASKED HIM BACKor IM IN HIS HOUSE. ..that's just what I think it's going on. 

ME on the other hand refuses to do either. And he's frustrated with me at times like this. He wants me there because justmaybe he wants this marriage. BUTTT hes frustrated because im there Amd not cooperating with what he wants but can't say. :soapbox:

Then there's the friends and family he's probably is ashamed too tell that hey I'm back home. After he probably professed to that this time im seriously done..SEEE 
I even got my own place this time !!! His pride is a booger im telling ya. He either has none at all on situations or its hanging around every situation.



Ok im done. Nowww back to what I' learning. I just had to vent what is really going through my head right now.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That's great Nemo, I'm really happy for you  It's great to think that one day you'll be a family again  I like the idea of picnics, etc. as well to save on money
> I'm feeling sad at the same time as I wish that was the situation that me and my H was in  Both you and Catch don't really know how much you have got compared to me and you should be grateful for that  Yes he comes round and spends time at the family home, but if I don't ring him then he won't ring me. There's no physical contact apart from the massage and he's not asked since  Well he has but I said at the time it was confusing me and my feelings.
> I'm really trying to embrace our dear friend Patience, but at the mo my patience is running thin! I keep telling myself it's only been nearly 2 months and it'll take a lot longer than that. He might not even return yet!
> Anyway I sound all maudling in the face of Nemo's good news  Keep in touch and let us know how things get on


I know its hard Lost but it is very early. Its been 5 months for me. Our first to months was strictly no contact except for instances transferring kids. One to two word texts and i even had a call screener rejection app on my phone that would only allow his text messages through. You're doing far better than I am emotionally, so just follow your heart and hang in there. Rooting for you hun !


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Wow Tron, what an eye opener! I knew about the pride men have about proving for the family but I didn't realise how much they resented the fact that when I've got a bit more to spend and he hasn't.
> I will hold my hand up and say guilty as charged your honour! I've been going on a bit on how I've been going here and there, doing this and that and buying things for the house. I was hoping he'll see that it's cheaper to live at home, when in fact it's probably making him more resentful.
> I do try to help him in any way I can by giving him lunch on occasions, buying his shopping for him when he's only got 1 or 2 items and I have lent him some money when he's been skint.
> After reading your post today, I went out with my son to meet my friend for a carvery and then onto her house afterwards. My H rang me to tell me about something and I just said we're off to my friend's house and didn't mention the carvery. That would've probably made him mad as he loves his food
> Thanks for the heads up Tron, I'll try and remember not to rub it in in future.


Ok Lost...so what's a carvery ? That's another word that keeps coming up. See me , I carve at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And even then most of the time it pre spiral sliced...:rofl: So give me the lowdown on the lingo


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I don't want to pull away from him too much. This is what in the past I've done when he's like this. So do I keep staying in that atmosphere or its ok to reject his request to stay sometimes and cone home like I did ?


I think you did the right thing  If he was being moody and distant with him and you were trying your hardest not to react then the best thing to do is walk away from the situation 
Can't you think of an excuse to go home? something like - I've run out of clean pants or something 
My H was also being distant today. He phoned me this morning and said just a quicky. Told me what he wanted and then it was goodbye. Hmph! He might've genuinely been busy, but he could've found the time to talk to me instead of a two minute phone call! He could be running out of credit on his phone as it's the end of the month. There I am making excuses for him again, lol. Anything to face the possibility that he might not want to talk to me 
We might have some money coming to us from a missold ppi  I don't know if that's a good thing or not. If he had extra money he might decide to use it to get himself a bigger place or he could now afford to file for D  Even though I'm giving it a year, I still think that he wants out of the marriage as soon as poss. Well I'm not signing the D papers, so he'll have a very expensive bill to deal with  I know I sound negative again, it's just that I get this way when I've not spoken to him properly for a day or two.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ww
> (
> Im telling ya ,THAT'S THE WHOLE THING right now look. Now only one session of IC under my belt right now a chapter of co decency no more, His Needs her needs, and you all. So what im about to say is from none of that. Just MY analysis of why he's so down.


Do you recommend either of those books for me? I love to read but can't afford to buy many books at the mo. Which is the best one to get started on?


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok Lost...so what's a carvery ? That's another word that keeps coming up. See me , I carve at Thanksgiving and Christmas. And even then most of the time it pre spiral sliced...:rofl: So give me the lowdown on the lingo


I was waiting for this, lol. A carvery is basically a Sunday roast with all the trimmings in a pub or restaurant. You buy a ticket and then take it up to the counter. The chef will carve the meat for you and then you take your plate and go down the rest of the counter piling your plate up with vegetables, roast potatoes, chips, mash and gravy. It's a bit like a buffet and it's cheap and delicious  It also saves you the bother of having to do a roast yourself


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Do you recommend either of those books for me? I love to read but can't afford to buy many books at the mo. Which is the best one to get started on?


His Needs Her Needs was great ! I really learned a lot. I plan on re reading it for retention purposes after I finish Co Dependency no more. They were really cheap as ebooks. Both less than 20 bucks ..barely even 10 for one of them.


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## catch22gofigure

Well as I thought he just phoned and said he'll be by before work. His voice was more upbeat and asked if I was ok. He knows im going through a little something right now. I let him know I was fine and thanked him for checking on me. Guess ill see him in a few minutes. ...


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> In my husband's case, he has no choice but to pay for two places. The family home he is locked into paying for because this is where his family lives and he has a court order that states until he finished with all of his court stuff he must take care of the mortgage and anything else he was taking care of. He had to pay for my medical bills as well. If I were to move out into another place, he would still be required to pay for the house and the apartment. He didn't have to pay me any kind of money for hurting me, but in away this is just another way they punished him. Then there is all the legal stuff behind the apartment he is living in. He signed a year lease which means that if he were walk away from it he would still be required to pay for it just as if he lived there. So, from what he and our daughter have told me, he has been using it to help get his head of straight. Shoot! I could have saved him thousands of dollars. He could get on TAM and talk to Tron. A few 2x4s later and walla! instant money savings because his head will be more than straight. :rofl:


Iktr ! I'd give anything if he was receptive enough to seek this kind of help and support. Im the one always scouring the net and bookstores attempting to fix this. But in allthat time before. I always ran into stuff trying to help me fix the marriage or manipulate him into getting what i want. Those are bandaids. TAM has showed me that I have to work on me, before attempting to work on anything else. I surely appreciate it too. He'd kill over if he knew I was here airing our dirty laundry


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I was waiting for this, lol. A carvery is basically a Sunday roast with all the trimmings in a pub or restaurant. You buy a ticket and then take it up to the counter. The chef will carve the meat for you and then you take your plate and go down the rest of the counter piling your plate up with vegetables, roast potatoes, chips, mash and gravy. It's a bit like a buffet and it's cheap and delicious  It also saves you the bother of having to do a roast yourself


Ohhh ok  So like a all you can eat buffet. We have far too many of those here..i stay away from them if I can. They are the devil...lol


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## catch22gofigure

I guess the pms'ing is over. His mood was cheerful when he came by. Gave me the money to go purchase supplies for him to do my oil change in the a.m. it was a money mood though. He also does side jobs from time to time for extra $$ and he's signed up to do some of that next weekend. So the prospect of more work changed his mood back to norm. I have always thought it was something against me he's feeling when he gets like this. So i would react and kablewy..argument city. Not today though so im learning. He also asked that I be at his house when he gets off...so i guess im headed that way later.


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## lostwithouthim

I'm learning about my H as well. I used to take things personally as well when he was in a low mood but now I'm starting to realise that's it's money worries or he doesn't feel well. It's because now we're both getting on that I can realise what it is  it doesn't alter the fact though that he's left and it's a tad late to put things right. Hopefully I'll get another chance to prove to him that I have changed  the carvery would be like an all you can eat buffet, but you can't go up for seconds lol  thanks for the heads up with the books  I'll have a look later 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm learning about my H as well. I used to take things personally as well when he was in a low mood but now I'm starting to realise that's it's money worries or he doesn't feel well. It's because now we're both getting on that I can realise what it is  it doesn't alter the fact though that he's left and it's a tad late to put things right. Hopefully I'll get another chance to prove to him that I have changed  the carvery would be like an all you can eat buffet, but you can't go up for seconds lol  thanks for the heads up with the books  I'll have a look later
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that's good you can't go up for seconds...at least it'd be good for me..lol hopefully you will g et another chance to show him Lost. You seem like an amazing woman, he won't be able to not see you as a necessary element of his life before long. Along with the love deposits. You ever think of sending him inspirational vitamins via text to build his esteem ? Tell him they get forwarded to you daily so you forward them to him. Search the net for quotes and stuff you know he can relate to. I used to do that with my H when he was on a lil *clears throat* unpaid vacation. It kept him hopeful and motivated.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm learning about my H as well. I used to take things personally as well when he was in a low mood but now I'm starting to realise that's it's money worries or he doesn't feel well. It's because now we're both getting on that I can realise what it is  it doesn't alter the fact though that he's left and it's a tad late to put things right. Hopefully I'll get another chance to prove to him that I have changed  the carvery would be like an all you can eat buffet, but you can't go up for seconds lol  thanks for the heads up with the books  I'll have a look later
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I also just learned about this in my book on co dependency. There are 3 of the scenarios there that I can sooo relate too. One being where someone's mood dictates yours and makes you feel guilty for not being able.to.change their mood back or guilty that.they have the mood anyway...that is soo me. If I sense someone mad , sad, scared, anything but happy it will wreck my brain until I come up with a way to change that for them.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I also just learned about this in my book on co dependency. There are 3 of the scenarios there that I can sooo relate too. One being where someone's mood dictates yours and makes you feel guilty for not being able.to.change their mood back or guilty that.they have the mood anyway...that is soo me. If I sense someone mad , sad, scared, anything but happy it will wreck my brain until I come up with a way to change that for them.


That is so like me as well  I hate it when someone is in a bad mood and I can't fix it. I hate falling out with people, I just want everyone to be my friend. It's like this friend of mine who had a go at me yesterday just cos my H didn't reply to my text. I've already made up with her once and she goes and does this to me again! I'm like why does it always happen to me? I give a lot and take very little. I'm genuinely a caring person and want to change people for the better. I looked up personality growth on the internet yesterday and it said that this is one of the negative things about being a caring person. I think co-dependency is the book for me  I've got to learn to ignore people when they do me wrong and think F*** it when I can't change things! I think it is down to my upbringing as well, I have issues with my family as well


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well that's good you can't go up for seconds...at least it'd be good for me..lol hopefully you will g et another chance to show him Lost. You seem like an amazing woman, he won't be able to not see you as a necessary element of his life before long. Along with the love deposits. You ever think of sending him inspirational vitamins via text to build his esteem ? Tell him they get forwarded to you daily so you forward them to him. Search the net for quotes and stuff you know he can relate to. I used to do that with my H when he was on a lil *clears throat* unpaid vacation. It kept him hopeful and motivated.


Wow thanks Catch, I've never been called an amazing person before  I don't think he'll like the inspirational vitamins, not yet anyway. He doesn't really like being bothered with texts very much. I know that I've been annoyed by this type of text before and the last thing I want to do is annoy him. Thanks anyway


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Wow thanks Catch, I've never been called an amazing person before  I don't think he'll like the inspirational vitamins, not yet anyway. He doesn't really like being bothered with texts very much. I know that I've been annoyed by this type of text before and the last thing I want to do is annoy him. Thanks anyway


He just doesn't like anything does he ? There's just gotta be a way to get to him...shiii mail em anonymously


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He just doesn't like anything does he ? There's just gotta be a way to get to him...shiii mail em anonymously


He's just a misery, lol. I think it's his depression but I could be wrong! maybe it's just me, lol  
I just think I should let things take their course slowly  my dear friend Patience again! lol. He may change over the next few months or he may not. I try and buck him up by complementing him and try and build up his self esteem. 
My family didn't help as they were always knocking him down, just because he didn't have a job and he was overweight! I used to get really down about this and I can never tell my family exactly how they make me feel. I just get nervous around them because they've got so much confidence.
one of my problems was that when my family, especially my mum, knocked him down I told him what they said. I know I should've kept it to myself, but I had no-one else to talk to about this! Looking back it's no wonder that he got down and left me! Well one of the things anyway!
I might be wrong as it's something that my MIL told me. She said maybe me telling him what my family always said about him helped him to make his mind up to leave. I just wish he'd spoken up at the time instead of bottling it up inside him! 
I'm going all maudling again aren't I? lol. I've had a lovely day with my friend and my son enjoyed it as well as her boyfriend was playing on the ps3 with him 
Tomorrow is carnival day! I've got to get up early, on a saturday as well! I may not see you guys much tomorrow, but I'll be thinking of you 
One thing that's wound me up today, I got a text from someone that said "hi everyone, I've got a new number xxx Here it is __________ xxxx" no name or clue as to who it was! I texted back saying who is this as you didn't give your name but I got no response!
Now that is ignorant and has freaked me out a little!
Glad I was able to catch you Catch, lol, before I went to bed. Night night, have a good day tomorrow


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> He just doesn't like anything does he ? There's just gotta be a way to get to him...shiii mail em anonymously


No. Don't do it anonymously. You do it from you ...from your heart. You write it and you send it with good intentions behind it. If he wants to read it...cool. If not, that's okay too. Be prepared for him to ask you what it is about -- the motivation behind it. You come up with your own reason for wanting to send them. Tell him something like you love him and you know life is hard and you want to help encourage him that everything is going to be okay. You will come up with the right words. 

And two...you are going to fill in those gaps of time when you don't hear from him. You will feel better because you know you reached out to him. It's a great positive way to make contact when you are feeling distance. 

I am telling you this because this is a conversation that I had with my counselor on Wednesday. I was sending my husband emails every day telling him a reason why I love him and I would give real life examples. He freaked out at first and wanted to know the motivation behind it. When we told him that we love him and we want to show him that we love him and can back it up with real life situations...he got it. I asked him if he wanted me to stop sending them. He said no. I only want you to write them if you telling the truth. I was doing this with text messages as well. Not every day, but randomly and I would say stuff like ...thank you for looking after our family. Or something I did once was compared his inner strength to that of a super hero and how a super hero doesn't give up no matter what he was confronted with. And I told him that he is our family's super hero. 

Now the issue that I had with this is that my daughter had a melt one day and read me the riot act about everything and everything including the way I breathe. She said something to me that made me think that I was wasting my time. I thought maybe she and her dad had discussed it and I was not aware of the discussion. Come to find out...my daughter was just lashing out because she was hurting. But in the meanwhile, I stopped sending things. 

My counselor told me to pick this back up and start doing it all again. And when he asks why I started back up I am going to tell him the truth ... I stopped because I thought he and my daughter wanted me to stop. But, I believe it's the right thing to do so he can choose to read them and accept them as truth or he can delete them without even opening them. That's his choice. 

Long winded again I know...but I am trying to show you real life situations where you can and should do this...do it out of love for your husband.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I think you did the right thing  If he was being moody and distant with him and you were trying your hardest not to react then the best thing to do is walk away from the situation
> Can't you think of an excuse to go home? something like - I've run out of clean pants or something
> My H was also being distant today. He phoned me this morning and said just a quicky. Told me what he wanted and then it was goodbye. Hmph! He might've genuinely been busy, but he could've found the time to talk to me instead of a two minute phone call! He could be running out of credit on his phone as it's the end of the month. There I am making excuses for him again, lol. Anything to face the possibility that he might not want to talk to me
> We might have some money coming to us from a missold ppi  I don't know if that's a good thing or not. If he had extra money he might decide to use it to get himself a bigger place or he could now afford to file for D  Even though I'm giving it a year, I still think that he wants out of the marriage as soon as poss. Well I'm not signing the D papers, so he'll have a very expensive bill to deal with  I know I sound negative again, it's just that I get this way when I've not spoken to him properly for a day or two.


Aww Lost dont be sad. Do you really think he wants out ? I mean like whats different between this separation and the last one that indicates that to you ?


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> No. Don't do it anonymously. You do it from you ...from your heart. You write it and you send it with good intentions behind it. If he wants to read it...cool. If not, that's okay too. Be prepared for him to ask you what it is about -- the motivation behind it. You come up with your own reason for wanting to send them. Tell him something like you love him and you know life is hard and you want to help encourage him that everything is going to be okay. You will come up with the right words.
> 
> And two...you are going to fill in those gaps of time when you don't hear from him. You will feel better because you know you reached out to him. It's a great positive way to make contact when you are feeling distance.
> 
> I am telling you this because this is a conversation that I had with my counselor on Wednesday. I was sending my husband emails every day telling him a reason why I love him and I would give real life examples. He freaked out at first and wanted to know the motivation behind it. When we told him that we love him and we want to show him that we love him and can back it up with real life situations...he got it. I asked him if he wanted me to stop sending them. He said no. I only want you to write them if you telling the truth. I was doing this with text messages as well. Not every day, but randomly and I would say stuff like ...thank you for looking after our family. Or something I did once was compared his inner strength to that of a super hero and how a super hero doesn't give up no matter what he was confronted with. And I told him that he is our family's super hero.
> 
> Now the issue that I had with this is that my daughter had a melt one day and read me the riot act about everything and everything including the way I breathe. She said something to me that made me think that I was wasting my time. I thought maybe she and her dad had discussed it and I was not aware of the discussion. Come to find out...my daughter was just lashing out because she was hurting. But in the meanwhile, I stopped sending things.
> 
> My counselor told me to pick this back up and start doing it all again. And when he asks why I started back up I am going to tell him the truth ... I stopped because I thought he and my daughter wanted me to stop. But, I believe it's the right thing to do so he can choose to read them and accept them as truth or he can delete them without even opening them. That's his choice.
> 
> Long winded again I know...but I am trying to show you real life situations where you can and should do this...do it out of love for your husband.


But he's not been receptive to her past efforts to help him with his depression. So it could possibly tick him off if she persists anyway. Maybe if he thinks it just by chance he's getting this info he'll be more receptive to it. I suffer with depression baddddd at times. It's shameful and embarrassing for people to know you are in that state. So her helping or trying to help him after her family has shamed him, may be what's making him denounce help from her , even if he knows he needs it. Kinda like me and IC. There's people I could talk to...i choose not too..because to me it's embarrassing and none of their business. I have a friend with a Masters im Pspsychology and sociology. ..could have lonnnnng ago gotten free help and advice from her. But I would never be receptive to anything she has to say. Not saying you and your counselor are wrong. That may be perfect for you and your H situation, but this guy doesn't even want to get too many texts from her. So idk..He may take it as being accusatory of his emotional state..especially when he feels like nothing is wrong with him.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> He may take it as being accusatory of his emotional state..especially when he feels like nothing is wrong with him.


This is true. If I had done this with my husband a few months ago I probably would have been told where to take my phone and put it. And then I would have walked around funny all day. I keep forgetting that it's only been a short amount of time that he has been gone. 

She does have some good things that have happened and she should hold onto those....he was comfortable enough to ask for the massage and he came over to take a bath. And if I read correctly he has made other advances and she said that she told him no because it complicates her thinking. Those are all three awesome things to have happen in such a short amount of time. 

Stay with us Lost....it isn't over until it's over. We'll ride through the low points with you....just like you have been there for us....


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## catch22gofigure

Wet


Finding Nemo said:


> This is true. If I had done this with my husband a few months ago I probably would have been told where to take my phone and put it. And then I would have walked around funny all day. I keep forgetting that it's only been a short amount of time that he has been gone.
> 
> She does have some good things that have happened and she should hold onto those....he was comfortable enough to ask for the massage and he came over to take a bath. And if I read correctly he has made other advances and she said that she told him no because it complicates her thinking. Those are all three awesome things to have happen in such a short amount of time.
> 
> Stay with us Lost....it isn't over until it's over. We'll ride through the low points with you....just like you have been there for us....


 Yupp yupp ! All good things are just making way for better things that's what i have to keep reminding mysellf of. I admire her will to fight. ..it's so easy to just give up and say forget it. Like I almost did...not always a good thing to do.


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## catch22gofigure

Hey what is the cloud and exclamation point for to the left of the screen? I still haven't fully learned my way around the site


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey what is the cloud and exclamation point for to the left of the screen? I still haven't fully learned my way around the site


It means that you are on TAM some place causing trouble. :rofl:

On a more serious note, it just means that you are online and available to chat or if someone wants to PM they will know how quickly of a response they can expect. The other thing that looks like a triangle with an exclamation point is where you click in order report someones post if you find it offensive, etc. If you see that it looks like two small little blue clouds the person is offline. If there is a little yellow sunshine ray peeking out from behind the could it means you are online.


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## Finding Nemo

Can a man be arrested for smelling like heaven on earth? I think someone should arrest my husband for doing just that. Oh my goodness. I must be getting desperate.  I went to pick up my daughter tonight and got the usual hug and kiss goodbye. Well, not the usual hug...tonight's was really super long and super tight. He was hugging me and having a conversation with our daughter. I just closed my eyes and took a big silent breath. The longer he hugged me the longer I wanted to take it all in. He doesn't smoke or drink or wear aftershave so this was 100% him. I must have inhaled half of my husband because the scent of him is still stuck in my senses and I am sure burned into my brain by now. How is this fair or legal?


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Aww Lost dont be sad. Do you really think he wants out ? I mean like whats different between this separation and the last one that indicates that to you ?


The difference is last time I gave up quicker because he was with an OW and it was me who wanted out. I filed for D and luckily he saw sense and came back to me before the D papers came through. This time I really want him back and he's already mentioned D - if you remember. He's the one who's distancing himself this time and I'm the one who wants him back. We're ok when we're together, it's when we're apart that he goes all distant on me. Maybe Nemo is right, maybe I should be in contact more  Off out in a min, carnival time! Yeah!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> But he's not been receptive to her past efforts to help him with his depression. So it could possibly tick him off if she persists anyway. Maybe if he thinks it just by chance he's getting this info he'll be more receptive to it. I suffer with depression baddddd at times. It's shameful and embarrassing for people to know you are in that state. So her helping or trying to help him after her family has shamed him, may be what's making him denounce help from her , even if he knows he needs it. Kinda like me and IC. There's people I could talk to...i choose not too..because to me it's embarrassing and none of their business. I have a friend with a Masters im Pspsychology and sociology. ..could have lonnnnng ago gotten free help and advice from her. But I would never be receptive to anything she has to say. Not saying you and your counselor are wrong. That may be perfect for you and your H situation, but this guy doesn't even want to get too many texts from her. So idk..He may take it as being accusatory of his emotional state..especially when he feels like nothing is wrong with him.


Spot on Catch, that is exactly how my H is  Even though I'm sad and I think he wants out, I'm still hopeful  I'm going to text him in a min to see if he's coming across to see the carnival


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Spot on Catch, that is exactly how my H is  Even though I'm sad and I think he wants out, I'm still hopeful  I'm going to text him in a min to see if he's coming across to see the carnival



Have fun at the carnival. I'll say a quick prayer that he will come and go with you. I am not sure what we are going to do today. I wasn't expecting to have my daughter this weekend, but I don't mind. She and I will find something fun to do together. Maybe a trip to the library for some new books. I am so lucky that she loves to read.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> It means that you are on TAM some place causing trouble. :rofl:
> 
> On a more serious note, it just means that you are online and available to chat or if someone wants to PM they will know how quickly of a response they can expect. The other thing that looks like a triangle with an exclamation point is where you click in order report someones post if you find it offensive, etc. If you see that it looks like two small little blue clouds the person is offline. If there is a little yellow sunshine ray peeking out from behind the could it means you are online.


So that means you're online somewhere causing trouble Nemo, lol  I'm glad I found out about that because I now know when you two trouble makers are online lol


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Have fun at the carnival. I'll say a quick prayer that he will come and go with you. I am not sure what we are going to do today. I wasn't expecting to have my daughter this weekend, but I don't mind. She and I will find something fun to do together. Maybe a trip to the library for some new books. I am so lucky that she loves to read.


Thanks Nemo  Glad to see you're getting out and doing things with your daughter  That's the spirit! Have a great day whatever you're up to and thanks for the prayer


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## lostwithouthim

Back home now  was a looooong day, but lots of fun! We were on a float this morning in the parade and then there was entertainment in the afternoon. I texted H this morning and asked if he was coming to the Carnival. He said he was and told me where abouts he'll be standing. He waved and looked pleased to see us.
I've just rung him now to see if he was picking my son up tomorrow to take him swimming. He said it de[ends on the weather as he's got a lot of gardening work on at the mo. I said that my son will probably moan again, but I said it light heartedly so it didn't sound like I was moaning. He said we'd have to sort something out, but he's seeing my son on monday to take him to his activity. Hopefully he'll start to miss our son soon and want to take him out more 
He said he didn't recognise me this morning as I was dressed up in fancy dress. I said I noticed he got a new t-shirt and the colour suited him. I also said that I'd noticed he'd lost a bit more weight. He was pleased with the compliments I think, another couple of love deposits in the bank  Still got a looooong way to go before I get out of the overdraft, lol.
One of the activities in the book was to write a list of all the things that you think that you've failed at in the marriage and why you think your H left. Then you have to pray to God to forgive you for all of the failures. The next step is to show the list to your H and ask him if he'd forgive me for all of it. This is the part I'm struggling with at the mo, I can't tell him that it was in a book I'm reading or just give him the list because he'll think I'm off my rocker, lol. If I tell him it's what my IC advises then that's lying and I'm trying not to do that  Any suggestions as to how I can give him the list without him thinking I'm mad? lol.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Back home now  was a looooong day, but lots of fun! We were on a float this morning in the parade and then there was entertainment in the afternoon. I texted H this morning and asked if he was coming to the Carnival. He said he was and told me where abouts he'll be standing. He waved and looked pleased to see us.
> I've just rung him now to see if he was picking my son up tomorrow to take him swimming. He said it de[ends on the weather as he's got a lot of gardening work on at the mo. I said that my son will probably moan again, but I said it light heartedly so it didn't sound like I was moaning. He said we'd have to sort something out, but he's seeing my son on monday to take him to his activity. Hopefully he'll start to miss our son soon and want to take him out more
> He said he didn't recognise me this morning as I was dressed up in fancy dress. I said I noticed he got a new t-shirt and the colour suited him. I also said that I'd noticed he'd lost a bit more weight. He was pleased with the compliments I think, another couple of love deposits in the bank  Still got a looooong way to go before I get out of the overdraft, lol.
> One of the activities in the book was to write a list of all the things that you think that you've failed at in the marriage and why you think your H left. Then you have to pray to God to forgive you for all of the failures. The next step is to show the list to your H and ask him if he'd forgive me for all of it. This is the part I'm struggling with at the mo, I can't tell him that it was in a book I'm reading or just give him the list because he'll think I'm off my rocker, lol. If I tell him it's what my IC advises then that's lying and I'm trying not to do that  Any suggestions as to how I can give him the list without him thinking I'm mad? lol.



Very Cool! I was praying hard that he would come to the carnival. Very positive sign!! 

Don't tell him it came from a book. Tell him you have been working through some things and this is something you have been working on. (All true.) Tell him you feel the need to share it with him and you feel the need to ask him for forgiveness in regard to these items. Short, simple and to the point. He is probably going to think you are mad any way, but also keep in mind that he isn't familiar with this kind of behavior. He may come to appreciate that you are working to make improvements.

What if you don't give him the list? What if the next time you see him and there is a moment you could tell him the list face to face? Tell him you don't expect him to say anything or expect a conversation or anything like that. You just need him to hear you out for just a few moments. Say something like....thank you for listening to me when you finished the list. Then quickly move onto another subject so it doesn't leave you both feeling awkward.


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## lostwithouthim

Hmmm food for thought  I'm still a bit nervous though about telling him this stuff. Maybe I'll procrastinate for a while and wait until I feel comfortable  I was thinking that maybe I'll just talk to him about what my mum said and apologise for repeating these things that she said to him. Looking back, it must've made him feel awful and it was selfish of me to repeat the stuff to him just because it made me feel better. Wonder if I'll get an opportunity though and whether I can go ahead and say these things to him. It's still early days and I'm still nervous about talking to him about this stuff! 
I'm reading love life for every married couple at the mo. I've only read the chapter on how to save your marriage but I thought I'd start from the beginning, lol. How's your day been so far nemo? What've you been up to? We've just finished homemade pizza and garlic bread and chilling out to the tv for the evening 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Hmmm food for thought  I'm still a bit nervous though about telling him this stuff. Maybe I'll procrastinate for a while and wait until I feel comfortable  I was thinking that maybe I'll just talk to him about what my mum said and apologise for repeating these things that she said to him. Looking back, it must've made him feel awful and it was selfish of me to repeat the stuff to him just because it made me feel better. Wonder if I'll get an opportunity though and whether I can go ahead and say these things to him. It's still early days and I'm still nervous about talking to him about this stuff!
> I'm reading love life for every married couple at the mo. I've only read the chapter on how to save your marriage but I thought I'd start from the beginning, lol. How's your day been so far nemo? What've you been up to? We've just finished homemade pizza and garlic bread and chilling out to the tv for the evening
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Not much going on today. My daughter went back to bed. She has been having a lot of problems with sinus congestion. When she does wake up I hope to take a trip to the library. They have several books I want to pick up. They are holding His Needs, Her Needs for me. You sound like me...I jump in the middle of the book looking for answers. 


There you go...take a small step. One small issue at a time. Tell him you apologize for speaking about what was said. Don't try to explain too much though. Give him the opportunity to choose whether or not he wants to continue the conversation. It's not recommended to have full blown conversations in the early stages of separation. But, I think you will be okay if you with a baby step such as your list or choosing one topic at a time. 

Pizza sound really good. Maybe I will have some for dinner tonight.


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## lostwithouthim

Ahhh good thinking, I could order the books I need from the library. I was thinking of going to bed earlier tonight just so I can get in a bit more reading time. Yes I do let the books tell me what to do like you, but I do like to take what I want from the book and dump the rest of the stuff I don't want to do at the mo. the list sounded like a good idea at the time, but now I've had chance to really think about it and talked it over with you, I think I'll leave it for a while 
I feel for your daughter, I suffer from sinus problems and often wake up with a headache or maybe it's the wine lol. 
Homemade pizza is good and more healthy that shop bought I think  I get a French stick or baguette, add tomato purée and chopped tomatoes, slices of meat and mozzarella on top. It's lovely 
I like to experiment with new recipes and plan to do more this week  my h used to do all the cooking because he liked to do it and I let him  now I've got my kitchen back  I think we can come to some arrangement if he comes back lol 
Have a good rest of the day  hope you get out 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Ahhh good thinking, I could order the books I need from the library. I was thinking of going to bed earlier tonight just so I can get in a bit more reading time. Yes I do let the books tell me what to do like you, but I do like to take what I want from the book and dump the rest of the stuff I don't want to do at the mo. the list sounded like a good idea at the time, but now I've had chance to really think about it and talked it over with you, I think I'll leave it for a while
> I feel for your daughter, I suffer from sinus problems and often wake up with a headache or maybe it's the wine lol.
> Homemade pizza is good and more healthy that shop bought I think  I get a French stick or baguette, add tomato purée and chopped tomatoes, slices of meat and mozzarella on top. It's lovely
> I like to experiment with new recipes and plan to do more this week  my h used to do all the cooking because he liked to do it and I let him  now I've got my kitchen back  I think we can come to some arrangement if he comes back lol
> Have a good rest of the day  hope you get out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_






It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works! 


I came across that a bit ago after I read your post. I am a lot like you...I look for ideas and I try to imagine the results I would get if I tried it with my husband. My husband is nothing like that average person so he has kept me on my toes to say the least. Looks like we are in for the day. My daughter brought her blanket and pillow downstairs and parked her body on the couch. She has her kitty and cartoons. I think this is where she needs to be for the day. I don't like it when she is sick...or even feels a little bit bad.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
> 
> 
> I came across that a bit ago after I read your post. I am a lot like you...I look for ideas and I try to imagine the results I would get if I tried it with my husband. My husband is nothing like that average person so he has kept me on my toes to say the least. Looks like we are in for the day. My daughter brought her blanket and pillow downstairs and parked her body on the couch. She has her kitty and cartoons. I think this is where she needs to be for the day. I don't like it when she is sick...or even feels a little bit bad.


awwww hope your daughter gets better soon  I agree with you, I try to imagine the reaction I would get with my H. At the moment he's always happy and friendly, but then talking about anything else is a different story! 
Had a good chat with him on the phone. I was reminiscing about past carnivals with him and we had a laugh together  Always a good sign when you can talk about positive stuff in the past


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> The difference is last time I gave up quicker because he was with an OW and it was me who wanted out. I filed for D and luckily he saw sense and came back to me before the D papers came through. This time I really want him back and he's already mentioned D - if you remember. He's the one who's distancing himself this time and I'm the one who wants him back. We're ok when we're together, it's when we're apart that he goes all distant on me. Maybe Nemo is right, maybe I should be in contact more  Off out in a min, carnival time! Yeah!


Ok, i guess i wasn't clear on that. Well maybe initiating contact more won't be a bad thing. Worth a shot or two anyway. Get creative and give it a whirl.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> It means that you are on TAM some place causing trouble. :rofl:
> 
> On a more serious note, it just means that you are online and available to chat or if someone wants to PM they will know how quickly of a response they can expect. The other thing that looks like a triangle with an exclamation point is where you click in order report someones post if you find it offensive, etc. If you see that it looks like two small little blue clouds the person is offline. If there is a little yellow sunshine ray peeking out from behind the could it means you are online.


Ohhhh...lol thanks for filling me in...


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Can a man be arrested for smelling like heaven on earth? I think someone should arrest my husband for doing just that. Oh my goodness. I must be getting desperate.  I went to pick up my daughter tonight and got the usual hug and kiss goodbye. Well, not the usual hug...tonight's was really super long and super tight. He was hugging me and having a conversation with our daughter. I just closed my eyes and took a big silent breath. The longer he hugged me the longer I wanted to take it all in. He doesn't smoke or drink or wear aftershave so this was 100% him. I must have inhaled half of my husband because the scent of him is still stuck in my senses and I am sure burned into my brain by now. How is this fair or legal?


I call it y'all being thirsty....:corkysm60::rofl:

Aromatherapy at its finest. ..lol He won round one...ijs


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Not much going on today. My daughter went back to bed. She has been having a lot of problems with sinus congestion. When she does wake up I hope to take a trip to the library. They have several books I want to pick up. They are holding His Needs, Her Needs for me. You sound like me...I jump in the middle of the book looking for answers.
> 
> 
> There you go...take a small step. One small issue at a time. Tell him you apologize for speaking about what was said. Don't try to explain too much though. Give him the opportunity to choose whether or not he wants to continue the conversation. It's not recommended to have full blown conversations in the early stages of separation. But, I think you will be okay if you with a baby step such as your list or choosing one topic at a time.
> 
> Pizza sound really good. Maybe I will have some for dinner tonight.


Try getting a air purifier with a hepa filter. Me and my family suffer with sinus and allergy issues and it really works wonders.


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## lostwithouthim

I'm off to bed early tonight, had a busy day and I'm shattered  night night you two, see you tomorrow sometime


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I call it y'all being thirsty....:corkysm60::rofl:
> 
> Aromatherapy at its finest. ..lol He won round one...ijs



Girl...this man is going to be in BIG trouble if he keeps playing that unfair.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Try getting a air purifier with a hepa filter. Me and my family suffer with sinus and allergy issues and it really works wonders.



We have a whole house air purifier that works through our heating and air conditioning system. It works wonderful. However, she is always bouncing around from place to place so she doesn't get the full benefit of the filter system. I have a portable unit...I should send that with her over to the apartment to see if that might help her. I put her in the shower a bit ago as she says she has a really bad headache. I am hoping the shower will help relieve some of the pressure.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm off to bed early tonight, had a busy day and I'm shattered  night night you two, see you tomorrow sometime



Good night Lost. Sweet Dreams.


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## lostwithouthim

It's quiet on here today, what's everyone up to? I've nothing to report, not heard from H today. He was supposed to text me this morning to tell me whether he was picking my son up or not but he didn't! It's funny that all our Hs are doing overtime at the same time. This is the 3rd week in a row that he's not taken my son out. He does look forward to spending time with his Dad. He came round in the week to see him, but my son was playing on his ps3 upstairs, lol.


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## catch22gofigure

I just came on for a bit to let you all know im ok. My SIL fiance was killed last night.in a attempted robbery. They had one child together and this has taken a toll on our whole city. He was an all around good guy who did not deserve this at all. Keep us in your prayers. Times like this is when my co dependency is worse. I want to try amd help fix everyone. ..and over extend myself. Just pray I stay grounded. My H is torn up. I've only seen this man cry threetimes in all these years today being the third. He says he's ok but I know different. Just letting him have his space and finally got him to eat and rest. We just went through this in Jan six months to the day with a close family friend and dad to my cousin. Almost exact same scenario just different people. ..so this hit hard. I'll be back to check in as emotions and times allows...


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> It's funny that all our Hs are doing overtime at the same time.


( This is kind of long...sorry) 

Speaking of overtime, yesterday was the weirdest day I have gone through in a while. Late in the afternoon my husband started sending me these extremely serious text messages about how he was so fed up at work and he felt like walking out the door and never looking back again. It kind of threw me off for a little bit because he has not reached out to me for any kind of support in months...might have been last year some time being the last time. 

I told him to take some deep breaths and to try and think as he talks to me for a moment. Then I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he had been called in the early morning hours and he was still there almost 8 hours later. He told me it's a bunch of B.S. because every time he thinks he can leave another person sends in a request to have something looked at, but he can't fix their problems for them. I told him to slow down and keep talking to me. I told him he has been through this before and he can get through it again. I wasn't getting the reason he was freaking out. He said, No this time is different because I have spent the entire day here. It was then that I realized the day was wasted and he was not able to get any hours put in toward his court work. 

He told me he was dealing with stupid stuff that he can't even fix because it's the weekend. So, he's been playing phone tag with people all day and getting nothing done. Which means Monday all this will start all over again on top of everything else. And, he won't be able to just stay there because he can't miss his class Monday night. Which means he will get out of class and go right back to work. 

He started going off about all he does is work, go to his court work and when he can he sees our daughter. And then he said that he is only able to see her because I have been nice enough to help him see her. He told me his boss and everyone told him they would help him get through this, but they haven't. He is on salary so he is expected to be available 24 / 7. And I being the one person who shouldn't be expected to help him is the only person willing to do anything to help him. He said what if I weren't helping him, then our daughter would either not see her dad or she would be spending her time sitting in his cubicle office. 

I told him not to worry about our daughter. I told him I would be here for them no matter what, but at the moment I needed him to think about what happens to him if he just walks away from his job. I didn't have to tell him that he would be arrested and in more trouble than he has right now. He knew what I was talking about. This really sucks because he can go to jail again and be in more trouble if he doesn't get these hours in either. So I understand why he was stressing out. I sent him a picture of two polar bears hugging and I told him that his daughter and I love him. 

Then he went quiet and I haven't heard from him since. I had a hard time sleeping because I sent him a text before I want to bed to make sure he was okay. He hasn't answered me. So, I lay here waiting for the phone to ring telling me was is in jail or something bad had happened. And then I was getting mad at myself for caring so much. I kept asking myself why do I care when he is the one who is choosing to be separated. I feel like I just gave him cake and ice cream to go along with his pity party. Sigh.....And this weird thought crossed my mind and I haven't been able to shake it. 

I keep asking myself why he contacted me. Why didn't he contact the OW? Or maybe he did and that is why he stopped talking to me? She could have made up a ton of excuses as to why she needed to go into work and she could have hugged him and talked to him and gave him the physical support that he needed. That is if she lied to her boyfriend and everyone else again. It's not like she could have done much as far as helping him solve the issues he was working on. Ten people could have been there and not made a difference. I haven't thought about OW in a REALLY long time. I keeping saying that my daughter is first and I am second on his list and that I am having a moment of panic because I don't want anything to mess up what we have going. 

Maybe he ended up getting mad at me again because of the circumstances he is dealing with? He did tell me on Friday that he has no time to do anything other than work. He said he goes to the apartment and sleeps a few hours. He showers there. Then he spends the rest of the day and most of the night at work. He told me he isn't even eating at the apartment very much because he is always at work. I may have not helped the cause very much by saying this is the way it has always been. Only before his family was there when he went home to sleep. I told him his he is good at what he does and they know it. If I had a good employee and could use him all I wanted I would probably use him, too. 

Sigh...this is going to be such a long day. I don't know if I did the right thing by being there for him to sound off or if I should have told him I was busy doing something or what I should have done. We have been having some really good talks lately so it kind of felt natural that he would contact me for support. If I was the only person he could reach out to, I didn't want to let him down...but I am also frustrated because I couldn't go to him and give him a hug and tell him everything would be okay. 

So far I have just left him alone and I plan to leave him alone until he contacts me.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I'll be back to check in as emotions and times allows...


Catch, you are in my thoughts and tons of prayers are going up for you right now. Try not to think about being co-dependent or anything else. Your family is going to need someone to be strong and if you happen to be that person then so be it. These are different circumstances that require people to be co-dependent. So, let that be for a little while. Focus on making sure your family is fed and taken care of. Sometimes it's okay to go outside of the norm.....

(( HUGS ))


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I just came on for a bit to let you all know im ok. My SIL fiance was killed last night.in a attempted robbery. They had one child together and this has taken a toll on our whole city. He was an all around good guy who did not deserve this at all. Keep us in your prayers. Times like this is when my co dependency is worse. I want to try amd help fix everyone. ..and over extend myself. Just pray I stay grounded. My H is torn up. I've only seen this man cry threetimes in all these years today being the third. He says he's ok but I know different. Just letting him have his space and finally got him to eat and rest. We just went through this in Jan six months to the day with a close family friend and dad to my cousin. Almost exact same scenario just different people. ..so this hit hard. I'll be back to check in as emotions and times allows...


Catch Hun! Hope you're ok  I was in total shock reading this and my heart and prayers go out to you  Just look after yourself and your family and take care!


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## lostwithouthim

Nemo, that's the first time I've heard you mention OW! Are you sure he's still seeing her after all the attention you've been getting from him lately?
He felt he could talk to you because you are the one person who's not judging him at the moment. Just maybe you sending him that picture of two polar bears hugging freaked him out a little, I'm only guessing! You need to still let him make all the first moves, no matter how far you've both come 
I agree with the NC, unless you need to contact him regarding your daughter. I seem to nearly always be the one who contacts H first, I have to find an excuse to contact him, lol. I think with H it's out of sight out of mind!
I feel sorry for you not being able to sleep  At one of my counselling sessions she said that if you can't sleep then think of something boring to do like the ironing. If that doesn't get you to sleep, then get up and get the ironing board out or something equally as boring! Normally the thought of doing the ironing sends me back off to sleep again, lol. That and having to get up out of my comfy bed 
Having a bedtime routine also helps. I always go to bed with a glass of water and a camomile tea. I have my valerian tablet, settle down in my bed and read a book whilst drinking my tea. Then I lie down with my book and carry on reading until I can't keep my eyes open any longer! I normally say my prayers in bed and that helps me switch off whilst I talk to God. Sometimes I've even fallen asleep whilst saying my prayers, but I'm sure God understands, lol.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Nemo, that's the first time I've heard you mention OW! Are you sure he's still seeing her after all the attention you've been getting from him lately?
> He felt he could talk to you because you are the one person who's not judging him at the moment. Just maybe you sending him that picture of two polar bears hugging freaked him out a little, I'm only guessing! You need to still let him make all the first moves, no matter how far you've both come
> I agree with the NC, unless you need to contact him regarding your daughter. I seem to nearly always be the one who contacts H first, I have to find an excuse to contact him, lol. I think with H it's out of sight out of mind!
> I feel sorry for you not being able to sleep  At one of my counselling sessions she said that if you can't sleep then think of something boring to do like the ironing. If that doesn't get you to sleep, then get up and get the ironing board out or something equally as boring! Normally the thought of doing the ironing sends me back off to sleep again, lol. That and having to get up out of my comfy bed
> Having a bedtime routine also helps. I always go to bed with a glass of water and a camomile tea. I have my valerian tablet, settle down in my bed and read a book whilst drinking my tea. Then I lie down with my book and carry on reading until I can't keep my eyes open any longer! I normally say my prayers in bed and that helps me switch off whilst I talk to God. Sometimes I've even fallen asleep whilst saying my prayers, but I'm sure God understands, lol.


It's because of all of the attention that I have been getting is why I haven't thought about OW. Maybe I wanted to forget about her and try and focus on my marriage and how I get this family back together. I don't know. Now my mind is all full of doubt again. Remember when I told you he said he would come back home at the end of his lease in 9 months? Well, I found out that the only reason he said that is because he won't be able to rend another apartment and he won't have any choice but to come home or go live with his dad at their friend's house. They won't renew his lease now that he has been officially charged with hitting me. So today I am kind of feeling like Plan B. Can I get off this roller coaster ride and go back to riding the one I was on last Sunday? That one seemed to have so much more hope and promise.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> It's because of all of the attention that I have been getting is why I haven't thought about OW. Maybe I wanted to forget about her and try and focus on my marriage and how I get this family back together. I don't know. Now my mind is all full of doubt again. Remember when I told you he said he would come back home at the end of his lease in 9 months? Well, I found out that the only reason he said that is because he won't be able to rend another apartment and he won't have any choice but to come home or go live with his dad at their friend's house. They won't renew his lease now that he has been officially charged with hitting me. So today I am kind of feeling like Plan B. Can I get off this roller coaster ride and go back to riding the one I was on last Sunday? That one seemed to have so much more hope and promise.


I was just thinking before about your post. I think if we don't have any contact with them at least once a day, our human brains start working overtime. At the moment I'm thinking maybe he's being distant with me or not contacting me because he's got an OW! Maybe he doesn't want to see his son because of the OW. See how our minds start playing tricks on us! He'll probably be in touch during the week and everything will be fine 
In the mean time, I think I'll go window shopping, lol. I'm not ready to start dating again, but there's no harm in looking  I did that before when he went off with an OW and wanted the D to come through quickly because I started fancying this guy but there's no way I would have dated anyone before I got this D.
This time though, I don't want a D. It was my dad who was trying to speed things up for me last time. another reason I've not told my parents. As soon as they found out H had left, my dad was straight down to see me, changed the locks and took me to the solicitors. it was too much too soon! I wasn't a devout Christian back then, so D didn't really mean much to me. Now it's a big deal and I'm not going down that road!
It's sad when they lie to you. Mind you he could always stay at his dad's or a friend's, he didn't have to ask to come back home so maybe he genuinely does!
I feel that I've been lied to as well. I'm convinced that the only reason my H came back after a week earlier this year was to set himself up to move out. It was definitely planned as so much stuff has gone missing in this house, things I've not noticed before but whilst I've been decluttering I've noticed!
Oh well, I'd best get to bed, I've got college tomorrow after a week off! Up at 7am  Night


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch, you are in my thoughts and tons of prayers are going up for you right now. Try not to think about being co-dependent or anything else. Your family is going to need someone to be strong and if you happen to be that person then so be it. These are different circumstances that require people to be co-dependent. So, let that be for a little while. Focus on making sure your family is fed and taken care of. Sometimes it's okay to go outside of the norm.....
> 
> (( HUGS ))


Thanks so much. I just cant help but run around and try me best to be of any assistance I can to anybody. It's just who I am and what I do. I am the strong one most of the time. H is a little better, SIL , and niece are medicated and resting. I think im just numb. Its hard to have this distance shut down he does in the midst of all we already had going on. I asked if he wanted me to just go home. He didn't say anything. So i packed my things and started to leave and he was like no you don't have to go no where...so i stayed. But his shutdown of emotions has began...amd this is indeed hard . Just keep our lil fam in your prayers and i pray they find his killer soon. This is just horrible. My phone wont stop ringing, FB is flooded with condolences and pictures of him so this is truly a rough day for this city. He loved everyone he came in contact with....just awful.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch Hun! Hope you're ok  I was in total shock reading this and my heart and prayers go out to you  Just look after yourself and your family and take care!


Thanks, i know we'll be ok..its just hard. This is a guy who is also a childhood friend of mine. Our families treat each other as family , but it'll be ok.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I just came on for a bit to let you all know im ok. My SIL fiance was killed last night.in a attempted robbery. They had one child together and this has taken a toll on our whole city. He was an all around good guy who did not deserve this at all. Keep us in your prayers. Times like this is when my co dependency is worse. I want to try amd help fix everyone. ..and over extend myself. Just pray I stay grounded. My H is torn up. I've only seen this man cry threetimes in all these years today being the third. He says he's ok but I know different. Just letting him have his space and finally got him to eat and rest. We just went through this in Jan six months to the day with a close family friend and dad to my cousin. Almost exact same scenario just different people. ..so this hit hard. I'll be back to check in as emotions and times allows...


I am very sorry Catch. Please take care


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## catch22gofigure

I will thanks . Gonna go to bed now...sleep its finally calling my name ttys


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks so much. I just cant help but run around and try me best to be of any assistance I can to anybody. It's just who I am and what I do. I am the strong one most of the time. H is a little better, SIL , and niece are medicated and resting. I think im just numb. Its hard to have this distance shut down he does in the midst of all we already had going on. I asked if he wanted me to just go home. He didn't say anything. So i packed my things and started to leave and he was like no you don't have to go no where...so i stayed. But his shutdown of emotions has began...amd this is indeed hard . Just keep our lil fam in your prayers and i pray they find his killer soon. This is just horrible. My phone wont stop ringing, FB is flooded with condolences and pictures of him so this is truly a rough day for this city. He loved everyone he came in contact with....just awful.


Just do what you need to do without giving it a second thought  If H is being distant with you, then it might not be you - it might be his way of coping. You've just got to shrug your shoulders and get on with doing what you do best and that's caring for people. It might even bring you closer together, but I know you can't think of things like that at this moment in time.
Take care and speak soon


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## lostwithouthim

Day two of no contact with my h, I've texted him and phoned him and no reply! He was supposed to text me yesterday to let me know if he was picking my son up or not and he didn't! Today he was supposed to let me know if he's dropped my son off at his activity or not. This is totally irresponsible of him as I'm travelling there straight from college and I don't know if my son is there or not! I am so annoyed with him right now! Grrrrrrr!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Just do what you need to do without giving it a second thought  If H is being distant with you, then it might not be you - it might be his way of coping. You've just got to shrug your shoulders and get on with doing what you do best and that's caring for people. It might even bring you closer together, but I know you can't think of things like that at this moment in time.
> Take care and speak soon


It's all just too much for me right now. We had this same thing happen six months to the day. Kinda what helped lead to our fall out when he moved out and im scared. I too am grieving but no one to grieve with or to ...just like before. Only thing about before he had no connection to tje victim only me. Matter of fact our local paper did an article today talking about the other murder...how similar they are and that there are no suspects. I have had to come home today as his distance and stuff is just too much for me. I ask if he's ok. He says he's fine though I know he's not. As if he doesn't want my assistance in his grief. I had that unwelcome feeling. So I left while he was sleeping so he couldn't try and stop me. Feeling again like this marriage has suffered too much to recover from and like everything ive ever loved is slowly being taken from me one by one.... i know life can be rough. But my goodness when will the madness end ? Im numb is the only feeling I can really come up with right now. I just don't know at this point which end is up. Looking forward to IC this weekend. ..at least I'll have someone to get it all out to. I know I have you all...but im sure you know what I mean. I don't see care or concern from him right now. I know it's the wrong timing to expect it. But thus only adds to my time thing...lifei s so precious and short.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> It's all just too much for me right now. We had this same thing happen six months to the day. Kinda what helped lead to our fall out when he moved out and im scared. I too am grieving but no one to grieve with or to ...just like before. Only thing about before he had no connection to tje victim only me. Matter of fact our local paper did an article today talking about the other murder...how similar they are and that there are no suspects. I have had to come home today as his distance and stuff is just too much for me. I ask if he's ok. He says he's fine though I know he's not. As if he doesn't want my assistance in his grief. I had that unwelcome feeling. So I left while he was sleeping so he couldn't try and stop me. Feeling again like this marriage has suffered too much to recover from and like everything ive ever loved is slowly being taken from me one by one.... i know life can be rough. But my goodness when will the madness end ? Im numb is the only feeling I can really come up with right now. I just don't know at this point which end is up. Looking forward to IC this weekend. ..at least I'll have someone to get it all out to. I know I have you all...but im sure you know what I mean. I don't see care or concern from him right now. I know it's the wrong timing to expect it. But thus only adds to my time thing...lifei s so precious and short.


I know what you mean about giving up, I've felt like that often especially when my H isn't speaking to me at the mo. It makes me think that maybe he's got someone else and he's too much in luuuuuurve to bother with me. 
It stresses me out! Whenever he's not in contact with me I think all sorts of things! None of them good, lol. I do try and make excuses for him and try and be positive but it's hard!
I feel for you that you can't get any emotional support from anyone at the mo  I do know how beneficial IC is so don't worry I understand  I look forward to my sessions, I've not had any IC or life coaching for a few weeks now and it's frustrating when all I've got is self help books to fall back on.
When I get to the giving up stage, I pray to God and tell him I'm giving up again and handing it all over to him to sort out. That's what he wants us to do, he doesn't want us to have to handle these situations on our own. There's a chapter all about your relationship with God in "Hope for the separated". You really need to read that book 
I really wish I was over there with you and I'd give you all the emotional support that you need at this time  Anyway, here's a virtual (((((( hug)))))
Hope things improve for you hun, just ride it out and remember God is with you and he's a great comforter  If necessary go to extra church services or church activities, they always make me feel closer to our Father 
Take care and speak to you soon


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## catch22gofigure

Thanks Lost... just not a lot of words at the moment but know that your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.


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## lostwithouthim

The girl I told you about that had a go at me about allowing my H to take the P has deleted and blocked me off facebook  As H is still not communicating with me, I wonder if she has texted him and told him that I still love him and still want him back! feeling very down about it all  I don't know whether to send him another text about my son or not or should I leave it another day? It's driving me nuts and I don't like roller coasters! lol


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## lostwithouthim

Had to edit that last post quickly as I used my H and son's real names, lol


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## lostwithouthim

I'm happy again  H has just rung me! He's had his phone on silent all day, lol. He had an interview for a job this morning and turned his phone on silent. Phew! I wondered what I'd done wrong!
I'm trying not to be too hopeful but he was really positive on the phone today  He asked me what time I finished college and said he'll picked me up and drop me back home when I get back into town. He even said night to me on the phone. Could this be the turning point? I hope so  I'm not going to expect too much, I'm going to let him do all the chasing and I'm going to be patient lol 
I was really fed up tonight, I've been praying like mad and asking God to touch his heart and let him know to contact me  I was not patient tonight, lol. I just wondered what I'd done wrong! I was listening to a Christian radio show when the phone call came in. There's a lovely song on there at the mo that they keep playing  I'll see if I can find the link and send it to you 
I'm off to bed now, I'm buzzing tonight! I'm so happy 
night night


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## lostwithouthim

The song is called Matt Redman - 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) +Lyrics and the link is Matt Redman - 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) +Lyrics - YouTube
Hope it works


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Anyway, here's a virtual (((((( hug)))))




I have had a really long day so I haven't been able to post .. but I am thinking of you and I hope you are doing well. 

virtual (( HUGS )) from me too!


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm happy again
> 
> I'm trying not to be too hopeful but he was really positive on the phone today  He asked me what time I finished college and said he'll picked me up and drop me back home when I get back into town. He even said night to me on the phone. Could this be the turning point? I hope so  I'm not going to expect too much, I'm going to let him do all the chasing and I'm going to be patient lol




YAY! I'm glad you were granted a little bit of relief of your misery. You deserve to buzz for a while. I hope days like this will start to happen more often for you. 

Thank you for sharing the link. I hope you don't mind that I shared it with a couple of friends that I thought might enjoy it, too. 

It's been a really long day for me. My daughter and I were up into the wee early hours of the morning. We haven't heard from my husband since Saturday when he was sending text messages to me about his frustration with his work. Yesterday my daughter went into her room to play a video game for a little bit before bed time. I heard something going on, but I wasn't sure. I went upstairs to check on her and she was crying. She was having a break down because she was missing her dad. We started talking and she talked about all kinds of things. I am glad she feels safe enough to talk to me when she is feeling bad.

I need to make dinner real quick and the I'll come back and tell you about the rest of my day. It was kind of interesting.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> The girl I told you about that had a go at me about allowing my H to take the P has deleted and blocked me off facebook  As H is still not communicating with me, I wonder if she has texted him and told him that I still love him and still want him back! feeling very down about it all  I don't know whether to send him another text about my son or not or should I leave it another day? It's driving me nuts and I don't like roller coasters! lol


I would wonder about that too Lost. I mean dang...i know my H and I have mutual friends too. But ummm none of my friends would be so upset or adamant about a non response move from him. Thats kinda cooky unless she's seriously whacko ! I mean unless she wrote something that would demand a reply ,ya know business type stuff. Kinda makes me wonder exactly what did she send him that's got her so gone off a reply from someone else's husband. She's wacky and I would find it really hard to consider her a friend. She should be in the associate category until she can prove otherwise.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> The girl I told you about that had a go at me about allowing my H to take the P has deleted and blocked me off facebook  As H is still not communicating with me, I wonder if she has texted him and told him that I still love him and still want him back! feeling very down about it all  I don't know whether to send him another text about my son or not or should I leave it another day? It's driving me nuts and I don't like roller coasters! lol


What has changed with him since you alls last contact? Maybe he's dealing with something internally that has him bound. Depression will make you isolate yourself from family and friends...


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm happy again  H has just rung me! He's had his phone on silent all day, lol. He had an interview for a job this morning and turned his phone on silent. Phew! I wondered what I'd done wrong!
> I'm trying not to be too hopeful but he was really positive on the phone today  He asked me what time I finished college and said he'll picked me up and drop me back home when I get back into town. He even said night to me on the phone. Could this be the turning point? I hope so  I'm not going to expect too much, I'm going to let him do all the chasing and I'm going to be patient lol
> I was really fed up tonight, I've been praying like mad and asking God to touch his heart and let him know to contact me  I was not patient tonight, lol. I just wondered what I'd done wrong! I was listening to a Christian radio show when the phone call came in. There's a lovely song on there at the mo that they keep playing  I'll see if I can find the link and send it to you
> I'm off to bed now, I'm buzzing tonight! I'm so happy
> night night


    yaay, glad you are at ease now. That rollercoaster is something serious. ..lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

Go


Finding Nemo said:


> I have had a really long day so I haven't been able to post .. but I am thinking of you and I hope you are doing well.
> 
> virtual (( HUGS )) from me too!


Thanks so much , I feel the virtual love !!!! My day has been a little better...stopped fighting the feelings and had a all out emotional breakdown today and I feel a little better. I think the funeral will be Thurs....i know im gonna need something to keep me sane. Anyone know of herbal alternatives to anxiety meds ?


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Go
> 
> Thanks so much , I feel the virtual love !!!! My day has been a little better...stopped fighting the feelings and had a all out emotional breakdown today and I feel a little better. I think the funeral will be Thurs....i know im gonna need something to keep me sane. Anyone know of herbal alternatives to anxiety meds ?


Chamomile, Green tea, Valerian, Lavender, dark chocolate, Omega 3s, meditation, exercise and hot showers. 

Those are the things that I know that seem to help. If my husband were available I would say one of his homemade cheesecakes, but it doesn't look like I am getting any of those any time soon either. 

I am also going to go out on a limb here and say TONS of hugs between you and your husband Just holding each other and not saying anything at all. ( Note: do not breath in or else you might end up in a whole other position rather than standing upright.  ) <----- Trying to help you smile and feel better.


----------



## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> I am also going to go out on a limb here and say TONS of hugs between you and your husband Just holding each other and not saying anything at all. ( Note: do not breath in or else you might end up in a whole other position rather than standing upright.  ) <----- Trying to help you smile and feel better.


You are hopeless Nemo. That one track mind is going to get you in trouble.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Chamomile, Green tea, Valerian, Lavender, dark chocolate, Omega 3s, meditation, exercise and hot showers.
> 
> Those are the things that I know that seem to help. If my husband were available I would say one of his homemade cheesecakes, but it doesn't look like I am getting any of those any time soon either.
> 
> I am also going to go out on a limb here and say TONS of hugs between you and your husband Just holding each other and not saying anything at all. ( Note: do not breath in or else you might end up in a whole other position rather than standing upright.  ) <----- Trying to help you smile and feel better.


Im talking about for this funeral....i lose it at funerals. That's why you have to be super close or family really for me to even go. This is gonna be a really bad one i feel. He was only 39 , 3 kids, tragic death , and well known and loved by the entire city. That's how we know that whoever did this. Did not or could not have known him personally or they would have know that even if they felt the need to rob him. They could have done so easily without a gun. 

A lot of my relatives now have went and got Ativan shots and Xanax to help...i am just soooo not wanting to have to do that. But I know this is gonna be a time when im gonna need something or they will possibly be toting me up out that funeral


----------



## Finding Nemo

My day was interesting to say the least. Tonight the real work began. My husband will be finishing up his first class in a few moments. I finally got the call from my new advocate where they wanted to ask me if there is anything that they should be made aware of that they can help work on. They won't tell my husband that they talked to me and they won't tell him what is said. I am not to tell him either. I thought it would be easy to talk to them today, but it was actually pretty scary. I want to help my husband not hurt him. 

I told them about what he says in regard to his fear of coming home and / or even coming near the house. I told them he says he is afraid of getting into a fight with me and returning back to jail. I told them about how we spent the day and the night together as a family so I don't think he is as afraid of "me" per say. 

The counselor came to the phone and asked me a bunch of questions. The counselor told me that my husband could not have started the classes at a better time because next week is about facing your fears. He said this week he would go easy on my husband, but then next week the gloves come off. I am saying to myself....YES! and then I said...Oh crap! What is my husband doesn't really have a fear and he really doesn't want to come home? 

The counselor said they are going to work on him and get him to be able to at least drive up in front of the house. They think everything else will fall in place from there if I follow the directions they are going to give to me on Thursday. They wanted to have today to get to know my husband a little better in order to have a better idea of what they are working with. Then they will call me back with instructions and information. ( I should have warned them to not breath him in or else they would auromatized like me.  ) 

I will be doing a lot of praying during this next week. I really want my husband to lose him fears and I really want him to come home so we can get on with life. I have to keep the faith and remember all the connecting we did at the amusement park, and how far we have come since the beginning of the year, etc. I have to think positive that he really does love me and that we are going to be a real family again soon.

My daughter and I are off to watch a movie and then hopefully bed time will follow shortly after. I am both mentally and physically exhausted tonight. I hope I make it through the movie.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> The girl I told you about that had a go at me about allowing my H to take the P has deleted and blocked me off facebook  As H is still not communicating with me, I wonder if she has texted him and told him that I still love him and still want him back! feeling very down about it all  I don't know whether to send him another text about my son or not or should I leave it another day? It's driving me nuts and I don't like roller coasters! lol



People like this drive me bonkers. She is acting like a child -- a bratty child who didn't get her way. Stop and think for a moment, if this is how she behaves, why would you husband want to communicate with her? Why would anyone want to communicate with her? 

I am glad your roller coaster ride took you on a downhill turn that gave you butterflies and buzzing tonight. You deserve it.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> My day was interesting to say the least. Tonight the real work began. My husband will be finishing up his first class in a few moments. I finally got the call from my new advocate where they wanted to ask me if there is anything that they should be made aware of that they can help work on. They won't tell my husband that they talked to me and they won't tell him what is said. I am not to tell him either. I thought it would be easy to talk to them today, but it was actually pretty scary. I want to help my husband not hurt him.
> 
> I told them about what he says in regard to his fear of coming home and / or even coming near the house. I told them he says he is afraid of getting into a fight with me and returning back to jail. I told them about how we spent the day and the night together as a family so I don't think he is as afraid of "me" per say.
> 
> The counselor came to the phone and asked me a bunch of questions. The counselor told me that my husband could not have started the classes at a better time because next week is about facing your fears. He said this week he would go easy on my husband, but then next week the gloves come off. I am saying to myself....YES! and then I said...Oh crap! What is my husband doesn't really have a fear and he really doesn't want to come home?
> 
> The counselor said they are going to work on him and get him to be able to at least drive up in front of the house. They think everything else will fall in place from there if I follow the directions they are going to give to me on Thursday. They wanted to have today to get to know my husband a little better in order to have a better idea of what they are working with. Then they will call me back with instructions and information. ( I should have warned them to not breath him in or else they would auromatized like me.  )
> 
> I will be doing a lot of praying during this next week. I really want my husband to lose him fears and I really want him to come home so we can get on with life. I have to keep the faith and remember all the connecting we did at the amusement park, and how far we have come since the beginning of the year, etc. I have to think positive that he really does love me and that we are going to be a real family again soon.
> 
> My daughter and I are off to watch a movie and then hopefully bed time will follow shortly after. I am both mentally and physically exhausted tonight. I hope I make it through the movie.


I really think this is awesome that you all have the advocate who is actually trying to insure that your marriage is safe and sound before his return. Even though he is kinda being made to do it....its getting done. That's the important part. Yeah probably frustrating and time consuming. ..but getting done. Id love for someone to force my H to get hisself seen about. Cause dude got some issues. ..he just don't think he does.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Im talking about for this funeral....i lose it at funerals. That's why you have to be super close or family really for me to even go. This is gonna be a really bad one i feel. He was only 39 , 3 kids, tragic death , and well known and loved by the entire city. That's how we know that whoever did this. Did not or could not have known him personally or they would have know that even if they felt the need to rob him. They could have done so easily without a gun.
> 
> A lot of my relatives now have went and got Ativan shots and Xanax to help...i am just soooo not wanting to have to do that. But I know this is gonna be a time when im gonna need something or they will possibly be toting me up out that funeral


I would think that the shot or the Xanax would be the best route as it is going to take a few days for anything herbal to really kick in. You could call a vitamin shop and see what they recommend.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Had to edit that last post quickly as I used my H and son's real names, lol


For some reason I didn't think your husband's name was H or your son's name S. :smthumbup:

I did this same thing a few days ago. You guys make me feel so at home...I was just blabbering away like I had known you guys for years. Thank goodness for the delete and edit buttons, huh?


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> What has changed with him since you alls last contact? Maybe he's dealing with something internally that has him bound. Depression will make you isolate yourself from family and friends...


He says he doesn't want to talk to her as he's a bit of a loner and he wants to choose when to get in touch with his friends. He doesn't want her to be texting him 3 times a week. I don't know how often she texted him before, but this time he doesn't want to know!
I don't know what the text was about. I do know that she texted him before to wish him a happy birthday and she didn't reply to that one. 
He's not really been a social person, which was why it was totally out of the blue for him to start going out once or twice a week with his friends. 
You're right, from now on she's in my ass. category, hehe  I'm not going to be the first one to make contact with her this time! I've put myself out to help her, but not anymore!


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> For some reason I didn't think your husband's name was H or your son's name S. :smthumbup:
> 
> I did this same thing a few days ago. You guys make me feel so at home...I was just blabbering away like I had known you guys for years. Thank goodness for the delete and edit buttons, huh?


I agree nemo, I regard you now as friends


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Chamomile, Green tea, Valerian, Lavender, dark chocolate, Omega 3s, meditation, exercise and hot showers.
> 
> Those are the things that I know that seem to help. If my husband were available I would say one of his homemade cheesecakes, but it doesn't look like I am getting any of those any time soon either.
> 
> I am also going to go out on a limb here and say TONS of hugs between you and your husband Just holding each other and not saying anything at all. ( Note: do not breath in or else you might end up in a whole other position rather than standing upright.  ) <----- Trying to help you smile and feel better.


Definitely valerian  Also clary sage which is the ultimate chiller, but don't drive on it 
For teas I would say camomile. We've got one here that is called calm and is made by twinnings. I don't know if that's available over there. That is good and has helped me sleep 
Finaly copious amounts of wine, hehe


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Im talking about for this funeral....i lose it at funerals. That's why you have to be super close or family really for me to even go. This is gonna be a really bad one i feel. He was only 39 , 3 kids, tragic death , and well known and loved by the entire city. That's how we know that whoever did this. Did not or could not have known him personally or they would have know that even if they felt the need to rob him. They could have done so easily without a gun.
> 
> A lot of my relatives now have went and got Ativan shots and Xanax to help...i am just soooo not wanting to have to do that. But I know this is gonna be a time when im gonna need something or they will possibly be toting me up out that funeral


oh yes the funeral is going to be awful  I really feel for you! Send a prayer up to heaven, asking God to take care of you and everyone else on this day and ask him for strength to get through the day


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> The counselor said they are going to work on him and get him to be able to at least drive up in front of the house. They think everything else will fall in place from there if I follow the directions they are going to give to me on Thursday. They wanted to have today to get to know my husband a little better in order to have a better idea of what they are working with. Then they will call me back with instructions and information. ( I should have warned them to not breath him in or else they would auromatized like me.  )


That sounds great Nemo  I really do hope that it works for you and your H. These people seem to know what they're doing, fingers crossed for you


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Thank you for sharing the link. I hope you don't mind that I shared it with a couple of friends that I thought might enjoy it, too.
> 
> no I don't mind at all  It's there to be enjoyed by all and it's one of those catchy tunes that you can't get out of your head


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> People like this drive me bonkers. She is acting like a child -- a bratty child who didn't get her way. Stop and think for a moment, if this is how she behaves, why would you husband want to communicate with her? Why would anyone want to communicate with her?
> 
> I am glad your roller coaster ride took you on a downhill turn that gave you butterflies and buzzing tonight. You deserve it.


Wow I never thought of that before! If she's behaved like this with my H, why would he want to contact her  This is so true  No wonder he's not speaking to her! lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

I am totally devastated! The reason he wanted to see me today was to tell me that he's filing for divorce  He's going to see the solicitor at the end of the week! I said it's only been 2 months, but for him he says it's been 4 years. I asked him to wait 6 months, but he won't. He asked me why I wanted to wait for 6 months and I said it was to get used to the idea of him filing for divorce. He says it takes 6 months anyway for the divorce to come through and I don't know whether to give up or just keep on putting love deposits into his bank. Obviously they weren't love deposits, they were just friendship tokens! He says that he's tied into his flat for a year and he's happy there on his own  
He said if I don't sign the divorce papers, he will tell my parents that we've split up. You all know why I won't tell my parents in case he changes his mind.
I'm distraught and sitting here in tears :'( I thought things were going really well between us, but he was just acting the way he was acting as a friend and not as an H.


----------



## lostwithouthim

ok I've had a think about this, I've dried my eyes and I'm going to start looking for solutions. Just because he is going to see the solicitor in 7 days, doesn't mean it's going to be over. Can anyone recommend a good book to read on how to stop the divorce? I guess love deposits are not working. I need to try a different tact. I'm going to ring him mow to talk to him, not beg just talk. Wish me luck  I'll post on here and let you know how it goes


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> ok I've had a think about this, I've dried my eyes and I'm going to start looking for solutions. Just because he is going to see the solicitor in 7 days, doesn't mean it's going to be over. Can anyone recommend a good book to read on how to stop the divorce? I guess love deposits are not working. I need to try a different tact. I'm going to ring him mow to talk to him, not beg just talk. Wish me luck  I'll post on here and let you know how it goes


Lost, 

I haven't read all of your posts, so I don't know your whole story, but you guys have broken up several times, there has been infidelity (maybe multiples), trust issues, forgiveness issues, along with everything else. Is there really much to salvage of this M? Are you sure it isn't time to move on? Are you sure that you wouldn't be happier starting over with someone else. This may be a gift. 

Do I need to remind you that R is a 2-way street. Has he shown any indications that he is interested in doing anything or working at all towards R?


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Lost,
> 
> I haven't read all of your posts, so I don't know your whole story, but you guys have broken up several times, there has been infidelity (maybe multiples), trust issues, forgiveness issues, along with everything else. Is there really much to salvage of this M? Are you sure it isn't time to move on? Are you sure that you wouldn't be happier starting over with someone else. This may be a gift.
> 
> Do I need to remind you that R is a 2-way street. Has he shown any indications that he is interested in doing anything or working at all towards R?


I'm not ready to move on and find happiness with someone else. I take the Christian view that marriage is sacred and God will decide what to do for me. He keeps telling me that I need to be patient, but how much patience do I need!
There has been issues before I agree, but I still love my husband and all this has come as a complete shock to me.
I thought he was getting closer, asking for a massage, having meals here, doing jobs for me around the house, asking for a bath as he's only got a shower where he is, taking me shopping and taking me places. All the time he was thinking of me as a close friend and I was thinking that we were getting closer to R.
D is so final! I asked him over tonight to talk over about things in a calm and adult manner. After he cut the grass for me, I made him tea and then we sat down to talk. I asked him what he wants out of the D and he said that he wants half the house. He said my parents will look after me and pay for his half so that I can continue to live there. I feel it's going to be a very messy D, H thinks it's going to be plain sailing but I know what my dad is like. Although they can probably afford to buy him out, they won't! They will pay for the best solicitor that money can buy and demand the house solely in my name. My H will be left with nothing if he's not careful. 
My H wants to remain good, close friends with me and that is going to be hard to do whilst the D is going through. I don't want to have to go through all that, after all it's only been 2 months! My parents don't yet know that we've split up because if we do R, then they will not take too kindly to H messing me about for the 2nd time! The first time H backed out of the D at the last minute and asked to come back home. I think he realised that he was going to be left with nothing then and he's going to get the same treatment this time around if he's not careful.
How can you go through a D and still remain good close friends? I don't think that's possible. He thinks at the mo that I've no need to get a solicitor, but I'm sure I do need to get one. Well he'll have to pay for one as I can't afford one! I would like to battle it out between the two of us and not involve my parents as my dad can be very full on! I'll let them know when the divorce is going through and not before. I've got issues with my parents and my H thinks that they will look after me financially once he has gone but I don't think they will!
He sounds like he's been talking to his mum as that is exactly what she said to me a bit ago on the phone. Either his mum has put him up to this or he's been talking to his mum and telling her all this. He said he's annoyed with me for keep lying to my parents about the situation, but he doesn't understand. He wasn't there when we went through it the first time round and I don't want a repeat of last time!
I'm not emotionally strong enough for all this, especially as the break up is still raw. 
Do you recommend a book I can read? I think there's one called divorce busting? I do believe that one person can save a marriage, with the help of God  One person I know on here has already saved her marriage on her own and her H is now back with her  
It may not happen for me though, but at the mo I'm being guided by God and he knows what is best for me as he will do what's right to make my life better.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I would think that the shot or the Xanax would be the best route as it is going to take a few days for anything herbal to really kick in. You could call a vitamin shop and see what they recommend.


Oh ok. Im gonna check into that now. There is one right around the corner from my house.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I am totally devastated! The reason he wanted to see me today was to tell me that he's filing for divorce  He's going to see the solicitor at the end of the week! I said it's only been 2 months, but for him he says it's been 4 years. I asked him to wait 6 months, but he won't. He asked me why I wanted to wait for 6 months and I said it was to get used to the idea of him filing for divorce. He says it takes 6 months anyway for the divorce to come through and I don't know whether to give up or just keep on putting love deposits into his bank. Obviously they weren't love deposits, they were just friendship tokens! He says that he's tied into his flat for a year and he's happy there on his own
> He said if I don't sign the divorce papers, he will tell my parents that we've split up. You all know why I won't tell my parents in case he changes his mind.
> I'm distraught and sitting here in tears :'( I thought things were going really well between us, but he was just acting the way he was acting as a friend and not as an H.


Omg ! Noooo !!! I am so sorry Lost. Words can't explain the pain I feel for you right now knowing how hard you've tried. I would say just continue to make a better you. This is that same stuff i feel must husband is gonna one day pull on me. Continue to seek God first and let him lead the way in this all. Praying for you my friend.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Omg ! Noooo !!! I am so sorry Lost. Words can't explain the pain I feel for you right now knowing how hard you've tried. I would say just continue to make a better you. This is that same stuff i feel must husband is gonna one day pull on me. Continue to seek God first and let him lead the way in this all. Praying for you my friend.


Thanks Catch  I was thinking of getting this book called divorce busting. I will not go down without a fight! lol  I've just subscribed to another marriage forum called loveshack.org. I have just been reading a thread about this book, but I don't yet know if it's for me! What I do know is that the book talks about 180s, an expression I've not heard on here for a while! lol.
I couldn't have the username LostWithoutHim, so on there I am called SoLostWithoutHim, lol.
the thread I've been looking at is Divorce Busting (the book) - LoveShack.org Community Forums
Hope you're ok Catch


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks Catch  I was thinking of getting this book called divorce busting. I will not go down without a fight! lol  I've just subscribed to another marriage forum called loveshack.org. I have just been reading a thread about this book, but I don't yet know if it's for me! What I do know is that the book talks about 180s, an expression I've not heard on here for a while! lol.
> I couldn't have the username LostWithoutHim, so on there I am called SoLostWithoutHim, lol.
> the thread I've been looking at is Divorce Busting (the book) - LoveShack.org Community Forums
> Hope you're ok Catch




Oh man. Lost, I can't seem to find the words to express how sorry I am to hear this news. There is a website Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce that goes along with the book you are talking about. There is a lot of good information on the website and there are forums you can read. They do talk about the 180 and there are some rules that they talk about, but it's mostly common sense kind of stuff like getting a life, moving forward, etc. I have found it difficult to navigate through the website and I found a lot of the posts are really, really old. Still, it might help if you want to check it out. I will be praying for you.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Oh man. Lost, I can't seem to find the words to express how sorry I am to hear this news. There is a website Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce that goes along with the book you are talking about. There is a lot of good information on the website and there are forums you can read. They do talk about the 180 and there are some rules that they talk about, but it's mostly common sense kind of stuff like getting a life, moving forward, etc. I have found it difficult to navigate through the website and I found a lot of the posts are really, really old. Still, it might help if you want to check it out. I will be praying for you.


Thanks Nemo, I'll have a look at the site and thanks also for your prayers


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm not ready to move on and find happiness with someone else. I take the Christian view that marriage is sacred and God will decide what to do for me. He keeps telling me that I need to be patient, but how much patience do I need!
> There has been issues before I agree, but I still love my husband and all this has come as a complete shock to me.
> I thought he was getting closer, asking for a massage, having meals here, doing jobs for me around the house, asking for a bath as he's only got a shower where he is, taking me shopping and taking me places. All the time he was thinking of me as a close friend and I was thinking that we were getting closer to R.


This doesn't sound too much like he was trying to reconnect with you. Quite a bit of difference between what Catch's H is doing and what your H is doing. Difference in history too. Your H may just have been nice and buttering you up a bit so you don't take him to the cleaners in the D. You threatened once before and he capitulated, he may have just been trying a different approach this time.



lostwithouthim said:


> D is so final! I asked him over tonight to talk over about things in a calm and adult manner. After he cut the grass for me, I made him tea and then we sat down to talk. I asked him what he wants out of the D and he said that he wants half the house. He said my parents will look after me and pay for his half so that I can continue to live there. I feel it's going to be a very messy D, H thinks it's going to be plain sailing but I know what my dad is like. Although they can probably afford to buy him out, they won't! They will pay for the best solicitor that money can buy and demand the house solely in my name. My H will be left with nothing if he's not careful.


This sounds like his mind is in the same place as the last time he tried to D you.



lostwithouthim said:


> My H wants to remain good, close friends with me and that is going to be hard to do whilst the D is going through. I don't want to have to go through all that, after all it's only been 2 months! My parents don't yet know that we've split up because if we do R, then they will not take too kindly to H messing me about for the 2nd time! The first time H backed out of the D at the last minute and asked to come back home. I think he realised that he was going to be left with nothing then and he's going to get the same treatment this time around if he's not careful.
> How can you go through a D and still remain good close friends? I don't think that's possible.


I don't see any reason to treat him any differently this time around. 

I would let him know that you won't be friends. You won't want to.




lostwithouthim said:


> He thinks at the mo that I've no need to get a solicitor, but I'm sure I do need to get one. Well he'll have to pay for one as I can't afford one! I would like to battle it out between the two of us and not involve my parents as my dad can be very full on! I'll let them know when the divorce is going through and not before. I've got issues with my parents and my H thinks that they will look after me financially once he has gone but I don't think they will!
> He sounds like he's been talking to his mum as that is exactly what she said to me a bit ago on the phone. Either his mum has put him up to this or he's been talking to his mum and telling her all this. He said he's annoyed with me for keep lying to my parents about the situation, but he doesn't understand. He wasn't there when we went through it the first time round and I don't want a repeat of last time!
> I'm not emotionally strong enough for all this, especially as the break up is still raw.
> Do you recommend a book I can read? I think there's one called divorce busting? I do believe that one person can save a marriage, with the help of God  One person I know on here has already saved her marriage on her own and her H is now back with her
> It may not happen for me though, but at the mo I'm being guided by God and he knows what is best for me as he will do what's right to make my life better.


You can try Divorce Busters. Have not read it but heard good things.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Omg ! Noooo !!! I am so sorry Lost. Words can't explain the pain I feel for you right now knowing how hard you've tried. I would say just continue to make a better you. This is that same stuff _i feel must husband is gonna one day pull on me_. Continue to seek God first and let him lead the way in this all. Praying for you my friend.


Catch, 

There is always a possibility that I am wrong, but your H's actions say something completely different. This may be you projecting your old childhood fears of rejection and abandonment onto him.

Continue to work on you. Be the best Catch you can be. THAT is God's plan for you. 

That goes for you too Lost.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> This sounds like his mind is in the same place as the last time he tried to D you.


Last time he didn't want to divorce me, my dad came down to see me and started divorce proceedings. My H delayed the D and on the day that I finally got his D papers, he decided to move back home.


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## lostwithouthim

I've just ordered divorce busting and another book for my kindle for iphone  The other book was also recommended on here and is called The power of a praying woman. The book talks about how a woman should pray for her man. Let's hope this helps! 
I'm off to bed now, night everyone


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> There is always a possibility that I am wrong, but your H's actions say something completely different. This may be you projecting your old childhood fears of rejection and abandonment onto him.
> 
> Continue to work on you. Be the best Catch you can be. THAT is God's plan for you.
> 
> That goes for you too Lost.


I may be , honestly. Im just sticking to getting me well, dealing with this added grief, and looking forward to IC Saturday. I don't know which end is up right now on a lot of stuff. So I can only focus on me. He's dealing with grief so certain things he does I feel is towards me. Could be or could be my issues...today I actually initiated wanting to stay at his apt ...this man asked me why ( you better believe I wanted to react) i didn't though. But by the time I talked myself out of wanting to react, he was at my house leaving me the key before he left for work. Here is what's. Reaaaallllyyyy erking me though and maybe it shouldn't be. He has started" recommending" things as if we aren't separated. "Aye baby cook this "
Or go by and pick up that....ummm aren't I temporarily relieved of these duties ?? I been doing it for the most part...but ummm gimme a lil insight Tron..should I be ? Aren't those like "perks" of being a whole married couple ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I've just ordered divorce busting and another book for my kindle for iphone  The other book was also recommended on here and is called The power of a praying woman. The book talks about how a woman should pray for her man. Let's hope this helps!
> I'm off to bed now, night everyone


I read power of a praying wife and its awesome !!! I read that years before the separation. Though. May even need to dust it off a bit..


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Last time he didn't want to divorce me, my dad came down to see me and started divorce proceedings. My H delayed the D and on the day that I finally got his D papers, he decided to move back home.


Your Dad started divorce proceedings ?? Why?


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I may be , honestly. Im just sticking to getting me well, dealing with this added grief, and looking forward to IC Saturday. I don't know which end is up right now on a lot of stuff. So I can only focus on me. He's dealing with grief so certain things he does I feel is towards me. Could be or could be my issues...today I actually initiated wanting to stay at his apt ...this man asked me why ( you better believe I wanted to react) i didn't though. But by the time I talked myself out of wanting to react, he was at my house leaving me the key before he left for work. Here is what's. Reaaaallllyyyy erking me though and maybe it shouldn't be. He has started" recommending" things as if we aren't separated. "Aye baby cook this "
> Or go by and pick up that....ummm aren't I temporarily relieved of these duties ?? I been doing it for the most part...but ummm gimme a lil insight Tron..should I be ? Aren't those like "perks" of being a whole married couple ?


Catch,

This might seem like a mystery to you, but from my perch you two aren't really separated, you are married, acting married and have two homes you are "living in". It is a bit bizarre, but hey you guys seem to be getting along and you are working on your own personal issues. Looks like progress to me.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Your Dad started divorce proceedings ?? Why?


Because he didn't want my H to have to the house because my stepdad has put a lot of money into the house. Like I told you, my parents are controlling and they treat me as if I'm helpless and can't do the whole D thing on my own. He didn't actually start D proceedings, he marched me down to the solicitors office to start file for D.
The first time round my stepdad was alive and he and my dad had got together to discuss the best action to take for me. My stepdad paid for the solicitor. I'm going cold now just thinking about it! They caught me at a very vulnerable time so I was still feeling raw and numb. Dad took me for some lunch in McDonalds and this song came on which reminded me of H. I ran out of the place crying. That's how new all this was for me when dad came over. I don't want all that this time round, I want to be able to do it all myself!


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Because he didn't want my H to have to the house because my stepdad has put a lot of money into the house. Like I told you, my parents are controlling and they treat me as if I'm helpless and can't do the whole D thing on my own. He didn't actually start D proceedings, he marched me down to the solicitors office to start file for D.
> The first time round my stepdad was alive and he and my dad had got together to discuss the best action to take for me. My stepdad paid for the solicitor. I'm going cold now just thinking about it! They caught me at a very vulnerable time so I was still feeling raw and numb. Dad took me for some lunch in McDonalds and this song came on which reminded me of H. I ran out of the place crying. That's how new all this was for me when dad came over. I don't want all that this time round, I want to be able to do it all myself!



This is the exact same kind of reason why my family does not know what is going on. The moment they find out hell on earth will break loose and I will be worse off than I already am. It's hard to have to do things on my own, but I would rather go through this alone rather than have a bunch of other people that I have to fight and argue with. I feel for you Lost.


----------



## Finding Nemo

I am going to be out for a bit today. I have my IC in a little bit. Not sure I am seeing my husband today or not. He has not contacted me to ask if I could bring our daughter to him. It's still pretty early compared to when he usually asks me, so there is still time. I have dance class tonight, too. I can't wait to do something beside sit here and look at jobs needed ads and filling out applications. I have been searching high and low and still nothing. I was up most of last night filling out applications. It's so depressing, but I must keep going. My husband is carrying a huge load and I really do need something to come through for myself and my daughter. 

See you guys later. Thinking of you and sending up prayers for you all.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> This is the exact same kind of reason why my family does not know what is going on. The moment they find out hell on earth will break loose and I will be worse off than I already am. It's hard to have to do things on my own, but I would rather go through this alone rather than have a bunch of other people that I have to fight and argue with. I feel for you Lost.


I'm glad that someone else has the same battle with their family  You often feel like you're the only one who is going through this stuff with your family, especially when my H and his mum are telling me that I should tell them. 
I think I'm going to have to tell a little white lie to my H and tell him that my parents know now! At least that way I'll get him off my back. I've got IC on Friday and I'll mention this to her and see what she thinks I should do. I'll let you all know what she says 
I agree with you Nemo, I would prefer to do it on my own rather than have all the aggro that my parents will cause and my sister bringing him down! Last time my sister said she knew he was a gold digger and that he was only after my money! Well hello there, funny that! I've not got any!


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I am going to be out for a bit today. I have my IC in a little bit. Not sure I am seeing my husband today or not. He has not contacted me to ask if I could bring our daughter to him. It's still pretty early compared to when he usually asks me, so there is still time. I have dance class tonight, too. I can't wait to do something beside sit here and look at jobs needed ads and filling out applications. I have been searching high and low and still nothing. I was up most of last night filling out applications. It's so depressing, but I must keep going. My husband is carrying a huge load and I really do need something to come through for myself and my daughter.
> 
> See you guys later. Thinking of you and sending up prayers for you all.


You are in my prayers as well Nemo  Enjoy your dancing and IC  Speak to you soon


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## catch22gofigure

morning all, just taking a bit to let you all know i am ok. yesterday was baddddddddd !! First viewing of the body , everyone took it really bad. people passing out left and right. all are well now though. candlelight vigil last night my SIL and her daughter forced to be in the yard of where the murder took place was a bit much on them. Today is the funeral keep my family and city in your prayers we're gonna need them. I was so busy prepping for today yesterday that I didn't get to really get on TAM. But im thinking about and praying for you all too.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> morning all, just taking a bit to let you all know i am ok. yesterday was baddddddddd !! First viewing of the body , everyone took it really bad. people passing out left and right. all are well now though. candlelight vigil last night my SIL and her daughter forced to be in the yard of where the murder took place was a bit much on them. Today is the funeral keep my family and city in your prayers we're gonna need them. I was so busy prepping for today yesterday that I didn't get to really get on TAM. But im thinking about and praying for you all too.


Hi catch, sorry to hear you're having to go through all that  i hope the funeral goes ok for you all. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad time 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> morning all, just taking a bit to let you all know i am ok. yesterday was baddddddddd !! First viewing of the body , everyone took it really bad. people passing out left and right. all are well now though. candlelight vigil last night my SIL and her daughter forced to be in the yard of where the murder took place was a bit much on them. Today is the funeral keep my family and city in your prayers we're gonna need them. I was so busy prepping for today yesterday that I didn't get to really get on TAM. But im thinking about and praying for you all too.



Praying for you guys... "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4


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## Tron

Thoughts and prayers headed your way.


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## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Thoughts and prayers headed your way.



Tron I hope you will send some of those prayers my way, too. It seems my husband has decided that he is going to live a parallel life to the one he has with me and our daughter. Last night I got the biggest shock of my life. I was wondering around looking at articles and things my husband has written. Some of it I can find just by typing in his name. Well, one line leads to another link that leads to another link...and guess what? My husband signed up on about 20 dating / porn sites again. He started signing up to them the very next day after we went to the amusement park. I am just sick because some of these make you wonder what kind of diseases people have. I don't get it. We were sooo happy and he's being doing all kinds of things that made everyone thing it would just take some time and he would be back to himself again...or close to it soon. He still hugs me. He still kisses me. He still brings me dinner or food when he brings our daughter home. After I spoke with him last Saturday I thought this is cool that he feels safe enough to talk to me. I guess that day at the amusement park was a test and I failed it ...and I failed my daughter. I just feel sick!! 

We do have some hope though because he has team of counselors that are going to go after him and tell him he needs to get his behind home and he needs to start dealing with the issues at home. If he wants a divorce he needs to start getting his stuff out of he house, change his mail, change all of his contact information...you name it. He needs to deal with it. And he needs to deal with me and our daughter. I really do feel bad for him come Monday because they are going to go after him hard and tough. FINALLY!! At the same time I am really confused because these guys are looking at things in a different way then my IC did and so far this is not looking too good for me and my daughter.  Please keep my family in your prayers.


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## lostwithouthim

Nemo, you are always in my prayers xx When my H first started going out with me he has loads of porn magazines and videos. He had them for a number of years after we were married. I begged and pleaded with him to get them out of the house but he wouldn't. He couldn't see a problem with them! Men see things differently to us, to us women it is disgusting, to men it is research, lol. Men's minds work so differently to female's minds. Sometimes we want them to act so much like us, we want hairy females instead of men, lol. Have you read a book called men are from mars, women are from venus? It explains the differences between men and women and is an interesting read. Just another book to put on your ever growing list, lol. With you though, I can imagine you can read more that one book at once and keep up, lol. You might not be able to sit still for long enough though 
I know it was a big shock to you to find this stuff out and I do feel for you  I don't honestly think it's anything to worry about though, maybe it's to erm well you know  Men can get frustrated so easily and if he happens to be thinking of you it may turn him on and the only way to relieve himself is by doing you know what! 
I think Tron will back me up on this.
I don't think it is wise to go snooping into his business, however much you want to. You'll only get hurt  An innocent kiss from a female friend on facebook can turn into a full blown affair in your eyes at this vulnerable time in your life! 
It's good that he's got some counsellors that are kicking him up the backside  I've yet to sort my benefits out, but I've not had time yet. I'll put my updates in a separate post as this one is about you 
Lovely to hear from you again, it's been very quiet on here lately


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## lostwithouthim

ok my update for the day. Yesterday my H had a post from the benefits office. I have been letting it go up to now because he says he won't get as much if they know he is living on his own. I plan now to go to the benefits office and get it all sorted out and claim child support off him. If he is going to be unreasonable by filing for D, I can be equally unreasonable. 
I had IC today which was very good. No-one can seem to understand why he wants a D so quickly. She agreed that I should try and delay it. She made a good point as well. She said to let him know that thinking about the D is affecting my college work and I've only got 4 weeks to complete it. She suggests I ask him to delay it by 4 weeks, if he still won't then I'll hit him with the benefits claim. 
I was thinking today that he might be calling my bluff, so that I'd tell my parents that he is D me. He knows my mum has a lot of money and says that once he's out of the picture I'll get a lot of financial support from my mum. I said I already get financial support from my mum, she's said that if I need any beauty equipment or to go on any courses then she'll pay. I doubt very much that she will give me a lump sum to pay my H off so that the house is in my name alone. I think H is living in a dream world!
H seems to always look for the negative in everything. I've been keeping the house clean and tidy, but he always finds something that I've missed like a bit of dust. When I told him I'm changing as a person, he said but you aren't as the house is still dirty! 
He also said that we've not had a holiday for years and my mum could have at least paid for a holiday for us. It suddenly hit me that my mum did pay for our holiday last year! I'll remind him about this on Sunday.
My counsellor also told me to write to my parents and tell them what is going on. That way if I don't want a divorce yet, I'll just tell him that I've told my parents now and so there's no need to blackmail me anymore. My IC told me to start having control over the situation. I did tell my IC that this D is too much too soon both practically and emotionally. I can't afford to miss any college and next week is just a nightmare with college and appts. I don't think I can fit in benefits claim and go to get some legal advice as well. There's just not enough hours in the day!
I found another 180 list that looks good  Someone posted this on another forum today and it's a good read  It says on there that you shouldn't stalk your H, which is what you've been doing Nemo 
I hope you don't think I'm having a go at you Nemo, because I'm not. You know I just want the best for you 
the link is Stop Your Divorce with the The Last Resort Technique – Married Life from Hitched - Social network for married couples


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## lostwithouthim

Posted from another forum, what not to do, lol. Very funny 
Okay, the 360 was a literal joke that WGW made. So DON'T do what's on that list, unless you want to fast-track your divorce!

Just for gits & shiggles, here's the 360 (the diametric opposite of the 180):

Beg and implore like a heartsick puppy.
Call frequently.
Keep pointing to your wedding photo.
Follow her/him around the house.
Encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Ask for reassurances.
Go broke buying your WS gifts.
Schedule dates together.
Keep saying, "I Love You!" even if your WS wouldn't pee on you if you were on fire.
Don't move on with your life.
Be morbid, depressed, sulky.
Sit around waiting on your spouse - stay in, do nothing, blow off your friends, let old hobbies fall by the wayside!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) keep talking and filibuster into the wee hours of the morning!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ask.
Your partner needs to believe that you are incapable of being awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are stuck, hopeless without them!
Be nasty, angry or even cold.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse your big pouty face.
Pepper your spouse with questions about the marriage!
Lose your cool, often!
Be ridiculously chirpy.
Argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, argue incessentally!
Don't listen to a word your spouse says!
Think of witty, cutting rejoinders.
Drink, smoke, make insomnia your new friend.
Fall apart in despair frequently.
Know that if you can do this 360, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write; your wayward spouse will see you for the unstable loon you really are.
Be openly desperate or needy.
Focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. Flex your muscles and ask her if she likes your "guns".
Believe everything your wayward spouse says.
Surrender all hope.
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message that you're mentally stunted.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Do the thumbs-up/down thing that Julius Caesar used to do before feeding Christians to the lions.


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## catch22gofigure

i dont know what happened to my entire last post but here goes in short again

the funeral was yesterday and 4 suspects are in jail one still at large.
I am again needing to end this marriage as I am no longer sure there is not an OW. His phone went off and he got super agitated that I asked who is texting you this time of night. he said, who are you to ask about my phone ? I didn't react but I did get hurt by this. whoever it could be if any is more than likely attached to someone because he and I are together constantly. that or she is allowing him time to settle things with me before they become assign item so to speak. so though i do need him financially, ill let the house go and let him get the kids until i can get reestablished. that way i can afford to keep my car for job search in another city. there is a local women's shelter that has agreed to let me come there and get their assistance. 

I refuse to be the other woman. though there is little proof, it validates the occasional distance and so on for me. Maybe he's seeing if she is worth giving up what we had and holding on to me for the rebound. ..


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> i dont know what happened to my entire last post but here goes in short again
> 
> the funeral was yesterday and 4 suspects are in jail one still at large.
> I am again needing to end this marriage as I am no longer sure there is not an OW. His phone went off and he got super agitated that I asked who is texting you this time of night. he said, who are you to ask about my phone ? I didn't react but I did get hurt by this. whoever it could be if any is more than likely attached to someone because he and I are together constantly. that or she is allowing him time to settle things with me before they become assign item so to speak. so though i do need him financially, ill let the house go and let him get the kids until i can get reestablished. that way i can afford to keep my car for job search in another city. there is a local women's shelter that has agreed to let me come there and get their assistance.
> 
> I refuse to be the other woman. though there is little proof, it validates the occasional distance and so on for me. Maybe he's seeing if she is worth giving up what we had and holding on to me for the rebound. ..



What the heck is wrong with these guys? All three of them are out there in left field right now. I have not slept since day before yesterday. My husband sent me a text four hours ago and asked if he was getting our daughter for a while. He said he was on his way to pick her up and here we are...not a word to say he's not coming...nothing. And now daughter is all messed up again because she wants to see her dad. Can I have a rewind to about the third week of May and just stay there for the rest of my life? I can't believe the difference a couple of weeks has made. 

Catch, that is such good news that they have caught those guys. It won't take long before they have them all in custody.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> What the heck is wrong with these guys? All three of them are out there in left field right now. I have not slept since day before yesterday. My husband sent me a text four hours ago and asked if he was getting our daughter for a while. He said he was on his way to pick her up and here we are...not a word to say he's not coming...nothing. And now daughter is all messed up again because she wants to see her dad. Can I have a rewind to about the third week of May and just stay there for the rest of my life? I can't believe the difference a couple of weeks has made.
> 
> Catch, that is such good news that they have caught those guys. It won't take long before they have them all in custody.


I don't know what the deal is but im about to put a stop to my pain. No one person should cause me so much drama. The fact remains i don't think he'd go through it for me. Im gonna keep up with my counseling and stuff, but to heck with him. I mean I ask God is there one person on this earth who can actually be as real and true with me as I am with them ? He after the fact tried to tell me that it was not a text notification I heard but the daily balance from his bank that he signed up for...whatever. ..smh. There is a such thing as an emotional affair and i think that he may be having one. She can have him...im done. Not gonna file either, let him do it...im on a fixed income. Or heck let her pay for it for all I care at this point. 


It's sad all connected with the murder are friends of the family. One more is running...but God will see that he too is apprehended. There was even a female involved. This world and the people in it have become so evil !!


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## catch22gofigure

Im so mad at myself for actually thinking this thing could work  There's toooo much water under the bridge....i just should have known !!:banghead:


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## Tron

I am surprised. 

It would be helpful if you had some real evidence. Phone records? Bank records? Can you get hold of his phone?


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I don't know what the deal is but im about to put a stop to my pain. No one person should cause me so much drama. The fact remains i don't think he'd go through it for me. Im gonna keep up with my counseling and stuff, but to heck with him. I mean I ask God is there one person on this earth who can actually be as real and true with me as I am with them ? He after the fact tried to tell me that it was not a text notification I heard but the daily balance from his bank that he signed up for...whatever. ..smh. There is a such thing as an emotional affair and i think that he may be having one. She can have him...im done. Not gonna file either, let him do it...im on a fixed income. Or heck let her pay for it for all I care at this point.
> 
> 
> It's sad all connected with the murder are friends of the family. One more is running...but God will see that he too is apprehended. There was even a female involved. This world and the people in it have become so evil !!



Catch, can you PM me...I am curious as to where you live. I grew up in some rough areas, but wow! I have never experience anything like what you guys are going through. That seems like an aweful lot of people involved. Such a shame so many lives are messed up now and for what? :scratchhead:

Guess what guys? The websites closed down tonight.  I am so happy. It was exactly what Lost said...He is lonely and he is afraid of me so....err goes .....oh never mind. LOL. Can't seem to get that image out of my head for some reason...yet, I am intrigued by it as well. Tron is right...I am hopeless. :iagree:
Desperate and hopeless ....


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## lostwithouthim

Hi Guys
Catch, like Tron says you need to get some more evidence before you start accusing him of something. Like I said to Nemo yesterday, it might be something perfectly innocent. My H often leaves his phone in the car, but at least it doesn't disturb us when he comes round to see me. I know that he's not got another woman as he says that women are more trouble than they are worth and he's off women at the mo! There has been times when I've looked at his facebook page and noticed he'd just befriended a mutual friend. I immediately started thinking that she was the OW. I know it sounds crazy, doesn't it? I saw them both on carnival day, but they were at the opposite ends of the town and I didn't see them together at all! I doubt that they knew that each other was there. I meant to mention that I'd seen her to get a reaction from him, but I forgot.
Nemo I don't think that your H is afraid of you, that's not what I said. It's just that men have needs. My H has probably signed up to all these porn channels at the mo, lol. The way I look at it, they've got to get their kicks from somewhere and at least it's porn and not any OW.
Catch, you are doing right letting him file for D if he wants to. Why should you have to go through the expense? This is exactly what my IC said yesterday. She said if he wants a D so desparately, let him waste his money! You should both come and join me on this thread that I'm on at the mo, it's quite a lively thread and one person on there is very good at what she says. Even if you don't want to join the other forum, at least come and have a look what has been written. the link is Divorce Busting Book - Page 3 - LoveShack.org Community Forums
Nemo, I had to laugh when you said this - "Can I have a rewind to about the third week of May and just stay there for the rest of my life? I can't believe the difference a couple of weeks has made. " I'd like to go back then as well  I was getting on well with my college course without any distractions!
Catch I'm so pleased that they've caught the suspects and hopefully they'll get a decent sentence. It's very emotional for you and your H at the moment, just don't get caught up in the emotion of it all. Wait until you both feel more stable before you start accusing him of anything or getting upset at him. Like I said it could be quite innocent. The way he's been with you, I doubt he's got an OW. This death seems to have made him very unstable at the moment and very emotional. He doesn't know what he wants. It's understandable that you're both all over the place at the moment 
I'm off to get ready now  Going out with a couple of friends and my son for my birthday meal  Have a good day both of you


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## Tron

Catch,

An EA or PA doesn't fit IMO. 

He wouldn't be calling you 6 or 7 times a day reconnecting. He would be calling the OW.

He wouldn't want you to move in with him because it would interfere with his relationship with the OW.

I am skeptical.


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## Tron

Nemo,

I would share the info you found on the net about your H with his counselors. They should not share with him that you were the one who found it.

In your situation a dating site profile would be much more damaging than simply signing up for a porn site. The two aren't the same. Was there anything particularly unusual about the porn that he signed up for?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I am surprised.
> 
> It would be helpful if you had some real evidence. Phone records? Bank records? Can you get hold of his phone?


We use no contract phones so there's no bills. He swears that he is not talking to or seeing anyone...but we'll see. I mean why else be so defensive?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> An EA or PA doesn't fit IMO.
> 
> He wouldn't be calling you 6 or 7 times a day reconnecting. He would be calling the OW.
> 
> He wouldn't want you to move in with him because it would interfere with his relationship with the OW.
> 
> I am skeptical.


Ok and Tron please know I for some reason even though I don't know you, trust and hang on to every word you tell me. I see my IC in a few moments. I just can't handle yet another blow at this moment and I dare he not even try me like that. Im trying to tell myself the same thing. Like the other ladies here..ive caught him with porn..it doesn't bother me though. Heck ive even watched it with him at times. Well off to IC. ..lets seehow this goes..


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## catch22gofigure

Ok my IC is no good...this lady had me cutting up papers and gluing them to a plate. Then she asked me if I knew her upcoming client...uhhh breaking all kind of HIPAA laws. ...imma keep going but I think I need to find me another one somehow


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## catch22gofigure

Now he's asking me again to move in with him....idk what to say or do ypu guys !!!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok my IC is no good...this lady had me cutting up papers and gluing them to a plate. Then she asked me if I knew her upcoming client...uhhh breaking all kind of HIPAA laws. ...imma keep going but I think I need to find me another one somehow


What? That is ridiculous! The cutting up papers and gluing them onto a plate I understand, but not asking you if you know her upcoming client. Does she work for a company or is she independent? I would see if you can get another therapist or complain about her.
Ok you probably think I'm as mad as her when I say I understand about the cutting up of papers and sticking them on a plate. It is a form of psychoanalysis. We did it as a leisure course and by doing this you find out where your head is at at this moment. If they have pictures or words on them, they will be interpreted as what you're thinking, does that make sense? For example if you stuck on a picture of a beach for example, it may be that you like the peace and quiet of the beach or you want to go on holiday. If there's a couple on the beach holding hands, then you want romance in your life. It's a good activity and one that I must attempt to do sometime as I've not done it for ages!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Now he's asking me again to move in with him....idk what to say or do ypu guys !!!


First of all you've got to believe him when he says he hasn't got another woman. There are times when I've hidden texts from my H whilst he's been away, but it's because it's something I don't want him to know about and nothing to do with AM. What do you want to do? Like I said his head is all over the place at the moment. Take it slowly and tread carefully


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> What? That is ridiculous! The cutting up papers and gluing them onto a plate I understand, but not asking you if you know her upcoming client. Does she work for a company or is she independent? I would see if you can get another therapist or complain about her.
> Ok you probably think I'm as mad as her when I say I understand about the cutting up of papers and sticking them on a plate. It is a form of psychoanalysis. We did it as a leisure course and by doing this you find out where your head is at at this moment. If they have pictures or words on them, they will be interpreted as what you're thinking, does that make sense? For example if you stuck on a picture of a beach for example, it may be that you like the peace and quiet of the beach or you want to go on holiday. If there's a couple on the beach holding hands, then you want romance in your life. It's a good activity and one that I must attempt to do sometime as I've not done it for ages!


Yes !! This woman is whacko !! i asked her, " so far what isvyour analysis if where I diagnosis wise" ...she said "uhhh depression and you've had a lot happen in life " No sh*t Sherlock is what I wanted to say. I know her upcoming client all too well. I told you all this is a small town. And im a minority...so the ones of us who are here.. i know them, or their parents,.or they folks know my folks kind of thing....

And the paper plate thing was I had to write down things that were bugging me most right now. Cut them out and glue em to the plate. Then she said "see your plate is not as full asbyou may think it is....wth ??!! Imma go til I find a replacement for her...here on out though im bk to my books. I can do bad all by myself.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> First of all you've got to believe him when he says he hasn't got another woman. There are times when I've hidden texts from my H whilst he's been away, but it's because it's something I don't want him to know about and nothing to do with AM. What do you want to do? Like I said his head is all over the place at the moment. Take it slowly and tread carefully


Why is taking things slow the hardest thing for me to do ?


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Why is taking things slow the hardest thing for me to do ?


lol it's the hardest thing for us all to do  I'm a prime example of that. I felt my H was getting closer, so I tried to push things and now look what's happened! lol. This time I will be a lot slower, I'm not giving up hope yet!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes !! This woman is whacko !! i asked her, " so far what isvyour analysis if where I diagnosis wise" ...she said "uhhh depression and you've had a lot happen in life " No sh*t Sherlock is what I wanted to say. I know her upcoming client all too well. I told you all this is a small town. And im a minority...so the ones of us who are here.. i know them, or their parents,.or they folks know my folks kind of thing....
> 
> And the paper plate thing was I had to write down things that were bugging me most right now. Cut them out and glue em to the plate. Then she said "see your plate is not as full asbyou may think it is....wth ??!! Imma go til I find a replacement for her...here on out though im bk to my books. I can do bad all by myself.


Ah yes I was right, it is psychoanalysis. She's trying to get you to do some positive thinking with her. She sounds like the tutor I had for alternative therapies, she was lovely 
If you don't click with her or what she's doing then you do right to find someone else. I had an IC that I didn't click with and I didn't know you could change so I stuck with her! That was 6 weeks wasted!
I dunno yet if you've had chance to have a look at the other forum, but someone on there said to keep a journal. Only write down positive things that have happened to you during the day and eventually your thought process will change  This I can relate to  I've got a journal that my life coach gave me and so I'll start filling that in  I always do try to look for the positive things that have happened though, but this negativity keeps creeping in, lol  Maybe I should suggest this to H as he always thinks negative thoughts especially about me! OR maybe not! lol


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## Tron

I would not read too much into his defensiveness the past few days. We just had a family friend pass away, night before last. Half of my family is just sad, the others are angry and testy.

People deal with grief in different ways...you should know this all too well.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I would not read too much into his defensiveness the past few days. We just had a family friend pass away, night before last. Half of my family is just sad, the others are angry and testy.
> 
> People deal with grief in different ways...you should know this all too well.


Ok. Im here now and things are ok. He's bought dinner and rented some movies..a little night cap. So I'll see . So sorry for your family's loss Tron. It is a very had thing to deal with though its something we all at some point have to deal with. My prayers are with you all.


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## catch22gofigure

The trigger man and last suspect is now in custody !!!!!!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Ah yes I was right, it is psychoanalysis. She's trying to get you to do some positive thinking with her. She sounds like the tutor I had for alternative therapies, she was lovely
> If you don't click with her or what she's doing then you do right to find someone else. I had an IC that I didn't click with and I didn't know you could change so I stuck with her! That was 6 weeks wasted!
> I dunno yet if you've had chance to have a look at the other forum, but someone on there said to keep a journal. Only write down positive things that have happened to you during the day and eventually your thought process will change  This I can relate to  I've got a journal that my life coach gave me and so I'll start filling that in  I always do try to look for the positive things that have happened though, but this negativity keeps creeping in, lol  Maybe I should suggest this to H as he always thinks negative thoughts especially about me! OR maybe not! lol


Haven't had a chance to look at the other forum. I just wanna stay here I think. I've met some good people and gotten some real good guidance and advice. This is ny first forum ever..so im not real keen on them. Im glad its giving you what you may need though.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Why is taking things slow the hardest thing for me to do ?


Because that is the way you are wired. Go read WAI's thread again, if you have to.

You simply have to start doing things that may feel a bit unnatural.

Doing what was natural is what got you in this position in the first place. Just sayin'.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok. Im here now and things are ok. He's bought dinner and rented some movies..a little night cap. So I'll see . So sorry for your family's loss Tron. It is a very had thing to deal with though its something we all at some point have to deal with. My prayers are with you all.


I agree with Catch Tron, I'm sending up prayers to you and your family at this sad time. Take care 
So pleased that you're over at his Catch, let's just see how it goes


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## Finding Nemo

Okay Tron...he's one I need interpretation of...My husband got some paperwork or something from his probation officer in the mail at our house Thursday. I tried and tried to get a hold of him. But, my phone is a piece of crap at the moment. He was fuming mad at me for going near his apartment. He ended up having a panic attack. Now I don't know where things stand between us. I am enclosing our conversation. What do you think? 

Thursday:
Me: I have a letter her that is from probation. What time do you think you will make it back into town? 

( Nothing for over 9 hours)

Me: Hello? We need to talk and I can't get a hold of you. I am going to go to your apartment and slip this letter under the door. I know you are not there, so I will be brief. Slipping the letter under the door and then I will leave quickly. 

Friday

H: How did you know where my apartment was. It freaked me out to see that you knew the location. 

Me: You told me. Don't you remember when the gas company called and asked about the payment? I called you and we talked about it. You told me that you had to get the apartment before you got sentenced so that you had a place to stay? 

H: Oh yeah...now I remember. ( He also does not remember talking to me about when the lease is up and him coming home at that time) 

Me: I was told by the lady that I talked to today that we are separated and on our way to getting a divorce. Are those her words or yours? Is that what you truly want? 

( no reply to my question)

Then H says: Yesterday you called me 7 or 8 times and I was working on problem at work. I initially tried to call you, but you hung up before I could say anything. And since I had other people on hold with problems I stopped trying to answer you. When I was done I tried to call you back a number of times but you never answered. 

H: You should not have gotten anything from my probation officer.
I tried and tried to call you so at a point I felt like you were playing a game with me. I called him today to confirm that he sent everything to me at the apartment. 

Me: I have no reason to play games with you. I am sorry my phone is a piece of crap right now. And I am sorry, but now that you have the letter you can see I wasn't lying or playing a game with you. 

Me: It's too bad that I was obviously more worried about something happening to you than you were. I had no way of knowing if that letter meant you missed something or not. What if you had gone to jail over this letter and no one knew about it? They told you to take every letter serious or be in bigger trouble than you are in already. 

H: I saw you at the apartment and I felt you were going to be crazy. I almost stopped and asked you what the hell you were doing but then I thought I should just drive on by. 

Me: You had no way of knowing. I applaud you for making it a time out and not going off the deep end. I did send you a message and said I would be going there and I would slip it under the door. That is exactly what I did and I was leaving when you saw me. 

Me: I am trying to take our lives and our marriage serious. I am not in this to go back to bull crap. We have a family to protect and if you getting mad at me for trying to keep you out of trouble then it was worth it. 

Me: I should not have cared so much. I know you have already checked out of our marriage so you are going to have to give me time to come to terms with the fact that I am alone now and soon everything we have known will be gone.

H: You can't think that way or you will go crazy.

H: It's not all gone, but it will never be the same, never 

Me: I don't want the same. The same is what got us here now. I want that family that was at the amusement park. I want the man who allowed me to be adventurous at the restaurant and in the car. I want to take the man that I have made love to all over this house and make love to him many more places than just here. I want the man who is dedicated to his family and doesn't give up. I want life.

H: I hear what you are saying. 

Me: Good night everyone. I need to go to sleep. I have been up for over three days straight and all of the stress I am under today is not helping me one bit. I have too much to deal with right now and I am crashing quickly. I appreciate that you took the time to text with me. ( I had to meet with a bunch of people today to discuss what is going on with my husband. Give some background information about him and a bunch of other stuff.) 

H: Please get some sleep. I do care about you. 

Okay, so what does this mean? I get the part about about him being mad at me and I understand why he freaked out. But what does he mean by I can't think that way...or I'll go crazy. And what about the fact that he never answered my initial question to him about Divorce. He tells me he hears me, but he doesn't give me any clues at to what he wants. Why is he telling me he cares about me. This confuses the heck out of me. And I am really scared because of the dating and sex sites. What if he was lying to me and he really is trying to find someone else? The websites range from match.com all the way up to some weird fetish kind of website where married women and sleeping with all kinds of women and men and two website were men and men if you get what I am saying. One of the ladies I spoke with today told me that my husband is spinning out of control now because of what we had on the day we went to the amusement park. She said he is trying to distance himself from me and self medicate himself so he can feel better about his current situation. Now that he is doing his counseling and classes he is not wanting to deal with any of the issues at hand so he pushes everyone away. She gave me no ideas as to how to help him and me not get hurt in the process.


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## Finding Nemo

One more thing...Lost has said something that other day about stalking my husband. I am okay with that thought. However, if my daughter and I are looking at old magazine articles and things that my husband has written and the dating / porn sites are thrown into the google search results I do not see how I was stalking him. My daughter and him had a conversation a few days ago about the articles he has written and I was showing her the ones that come up online. We also saw his XBox game information, his linked in account and several other things about him as well. Anyone that knows his name can see this stuff. And I am glad that I was with my daughter when I came across some of this because some of it was pretty raunchy. Maybe I am justifying myself, but again...I am glad that I saw that stuff first because if she had done the searches by herself there is no telling what she would have seen. I am just so scared and sick right now. This is a typical pattern for him....get close, starts to feel like no one cares, self medicates in destructive ways, I find out, we are argue, he feels better for a while, we get close and the cycle starts all over again. They gave it a name today but I can't remember it. I just remember they said he has a mental addiction of some kind and it stems from something deep. This time I haven't said anything to him. I figure I would let the counselors take care of him. That way he doesn't resent me.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> The trigger man and last suspect is now in custody !!!!!!


Thank heaven!


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree with Catch Tron, I'm sending up prayers to you and your family at this sad time. Take care
> So pleased that you're over at his Catch, let's just see how it goes



Thoughts and prayers....


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree with Catch Tron, I'm sending up prayers to you and your family at this sad time. Take care
> So pleased that you're over at his Catch, let's just see how it goes




It would be nice to see at least one marriage make it...sending up prayers.


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## Tron

Nemo,

You haven't mentioned him having mental illness before. Please find out what it is. 

I am reading that he loves you and was freaking out a bit about all your phone calls and the communication problems. Not that any of that really matters. If he is an addict, mentally ill or has some kind of personality disorder then there won't be much you can do. 

He needs to get well because if he doesn't you will be repeating the cycle.

I take it that he had some childhood trauma or abuse?


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> One more thing...Lost has said something that other day about stalking my husband. I am okay with that thought. However, if my daughter and I are looking at old magazine articles and things that my husband has written and the dating / porn sites are thrown into the google search results I do not see how I was stalking him.


I'm sorry if I upset you with that comment  I didn't realise that you'd been looking at old magazine articles and came across other things he's signed up for.
We have a saying over here, it ain't over until the fat lady sings. What it means is that you should not presume to know the outcome of an event which is still in progress. Your H sounds really really mixed up at the mo and as a result he's confusing you. I don't blame you for going crazy, I think I would as well!
Is there any reason why your H is having his mail sent to your house? That seems to be the big issue here and it will be a lot simpler if he did. Maybe suggest this to him.
I've been given this advice lately, keep cool and don't blow your top. Even if he gets annoyed at things you say, just keep your cool and don't retaliate. When you want to ask him something, talk to him as if you were reading the weather forecast. I tried this today with my H and it really works  Instead of getting worked up, he calmed down! Amazing! More of that to come in a separate post.


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## lostwithouthim

Hi Guys
Ok my update for the day. H came over to pick my son up whilst we were still in Church having a tea after the service. I was surprised to see him in Church as he never comes in, he always waits outside. Everyone was friendly with him, as they should be  He had a coffee, but sat with someone else he knows. I'd finished my tea so I was looking over to see if he'd finished and he looked at me and smiled. Then he went back to his conversation with someone he was doing work for and who is my life coach.
He ran me back home and then took my son swimming. I went into town and he said let him know if I want picking up or not. He said he'd text me when he's on his way back. 
I'd finished my shopping, I didn't get a text so I decided to get a taxi home. Whilst I was in the taxi, I texted him to say that I was on my way home, so he had no need to pick me up but thanks anyway. He rang me straight after and asked where I was. I said I was in a taxi on my way home. He went mad at me, saying that he was going to pick me up. I said I didn't want him to go out of his way as I knew he had a job in the afternoon. He carried on ranting at me and I repeated that I didn't want him to go out of his way. Because I was talking calmly, it made him calmer. 
I got home and unpacked the shopping. He came to the door and dropped my son off. He was about to hurry off, so I went to the door and said what was on my mind. 
I asked him why his state benefit letters were still coming here and he said he'd told them his new address. I told him that I'm going to go to the benefits office next week to sort out my benefits and he was ok about that.
I mentioned if he would delay the D by 4 weeks as I have to finish my college course and I can't do that if this is playing on my mind. He said it's too late to cancel as he's made the appt already with the solicitor. He said that he's only going to talk to her and I won't get a letter for a few weeks. I said how it's affecting my college course and he just kept saying "don't worry about it!". I said to him, that's easy for you to say! He didn't answer that!
We talked about him picking up my son next weekend and I said that my son was helping out at the Church craft fair. My son said then that he only wants to run the stall until his dad gets there and my H said well I might want to look round so we'll see how it goes. Either it's a relief that he's finally getting what he wants, ie. a D, or he wants to be involved in family stuff again. It would be so good if he started going to Church again, even if it is another Church. The Lord will be able to speak to him then and hopefully something that is said may speak to him in a kind and loving way.
I only wish I didn't have to tell my parents about our break up. I know that they will never forgive my H and it will be back to square one if he did decide to return.
I know I must think that the D is going to go through, but certain things that happened today made me think.
I know that I'm probably reading too much into these events, but him even setting foot in a Church after all this time is a positive sign 
The ball is in his court now, I'm going to try and not communicate with him for the rest of the week. I'll remain calm with him and talk to him as if I'm reading the weather report. I'll make myself unavailable to him and start the full 180 on him. He won't know what's hit him! lol. I'm going to keep on reading Divorce busting to see if it can give me any insight.
One thing that I was proud of today is keeping my mouth shut. My life coach called me over and mentioned to me about all this weight that my H has lost and how she can't keep up with him. I just smiled sweetly and didn't say anything. I know that before I would've said "I've been losing weight as well, I've lost 11 pounds in 3 months" or "yes it's called the McDonald's diet". But I didn't say anything, God helped me keep my mouth shut and I've a lot to thank God for today 
I read somewhere that if they do file for divorce to remain calm and friendly and don't get upset about anything. This may make him delay things as you can't shoot someone who hasn't got a gun, lol. I love that analogy!


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Hi Guys
> But I didn't say anything, God helped me keep my mouth shut and I've a lot to thank God for today
> I read somewhere that if they do file for divorce to remain calm and friendly and don't get upset about anything. This may make him delay things as you can't shoot someone who hasn't got a gun, lol. I love that analogy!



How confusing for you. The behavior you described about your husband going off on you about taking a taxi home describes my husband perfectly. And he has done that to me on multiply occasions. It's so hard to know what the motivation is for them because I see it as if I were doing that for him it would be done out of love. 

I wish I had some of your go get em attitude today. I am nearly defeated. I didn't sleep for three days straight. I tried to sleep the night before and just tossed and turned. I am so tired now that sleep is a chore because I am so tired. I am sleeping in hourly chunks and then waking up startled because my head is busy thinking about a divorce that I don't want. 

I like that saying about not shooting someone who ain't got a gun. I am so tired that even if I had a gun I would probably miss the broad side of a barn if I had to shoot it. Going over to the vitamin store here in a bit to get some things to help me go to sleep for a while. I need my wits about me for tonight when I go get my daughter. 

I hope you guys all have a great day.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> How confusing for you. The behavior you described about your husband going off on you about taking a taxi home describes my husband perfectly. And he has done that to me on multiply occasions. It's so hard to know what the motivation is for them because I see it as if I were doing that for him it would be done out of love.
> 
> I wish I had some of your go get em attitude today. I am nearly defeated. I didn't sleep for three days straight. I tried to sleep the night before and just tossed and turned. I am so tired now that sleep is a chore because I am so tired. I am sleeping in hourly chunks and then waking up startled because my head is busy thinking about a divorce that I don't want.
> 
> I like that saying about not shooting someone who ain't got a gun. I am so tired that even if I had a gun I would probably miss the broad side of a barn if I had to shoot it. Going over to the vitamin store here in a bit to get some things to help me go to sleep for a while. I need my wits about me for tonight when I go get my daughter.
> 
> I hope you guys all have a great day.


Hi Nemo
You H didn't say he was filing for D, it was just hearsay. If he does, it's not the end of the world there's still hope! It hurt me initially, then I started surfing the net and found loads of things that gave me hope. I dried my eyes and started planning my next move.
One thing I read that may give you hope, if you don't want a D then tell your solicitor that. He/she will then mediate between you and your H and make him go to mediation or counselling.
As your H is still under counselling and other stuff, I don't think D is on his mind at the mo. Do you really think the solicitor will take him seriously at the mo? I don't 
Which leaves me thinking, if H is as confused as you think he is then when he goes to see the solicitor she might say something to make him change his mind about filing. I don't think he's thought this through, but the solicitor will more than likely tell him all the ways in which it could go and some of the ways might not be to his advantage. For instance, instead of getting half the house, she could tell him he can't for some reason or another. I'm only surmising and it was only an example so don't shoot me up in flames Tron, lol.
Are you going to the vitamin store for some Valerian? Have I convinced you it works? I hope so because it has helped me loads and better than any sleeping tablet on the market 
Did your daughter see anything on the net that your H has signed up to, ie. porn sites? If she did she will more than likely tell him that you know about them. How old is your daughter btw? she sounds quite young. Message me if you don't want anyone else to know, but I'd like to know as it will help me assess the situation better  My son always tells his dad what we've been doing and where we've been going. Nothing is private, lol.
Hope you get some rest, take care and speak to you soon


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Because that is the way you are wired. Go read WAI's thread again, if you have to.
> 
> You simply have to start doing things that may feel a bit unnatural.
> 
> Doing what was natural is what got you in this position in the first place. Just sayin'.


I think i will go read it again. I actually thought About doing that the other day it's just been so much going on here.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree with Catch Tron, I'm sending up prayers to you and your family at this sad time. Take care
> So pleased that you're over at his Catch, let's just see how it goes


Im here still. Went home shortly to get clothes and back now. Just going through the day to day and gonna try my best to do things differently as Tron said. Thing is...i honestly don't know how. I thought that's what I would learn from IC...but we see that's not gonna happen with her. So bk to my book today. Things are less pressured since the last suspect is in custody. He was hiding in a couch of an apartment we had actually been standing outside of with the detectives


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> It would be nice to see at least one marriage make it...sending up prayers.


Thanks so much. Praying things work out for us all.


----------



## Tron

Lost,

I am thinking that you are right and need to detach and go dark 180 on him. I am sorry to say but you just don't have much to work with. From here on out only texts or email about kids and finances. Ignore everything else.

Your H simply doesn't appear to want to be married to you anymore. If my W told me what he has told you, I would simply start making my plans to move on. 

Would you really want him with you if the only reason was that it was just too painful financially to leave. What you are describing is nothing more than a financial prison and personally, that just would not be good enough for me. I need someone who values me more than that.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Nemo,
> 
> You haven't mentioned him having mental illness before. Please find out what it is.
> 
> I am reading that he loves you and was freaking out a bit about all your phone calls and the communication problems. Not that any of that really matters. If he is an addict, mentally ill or has some kind of personality disorder then there won't be much you can do.
> 
> He needs to get well because if he doesn't you will be repeating the cycle.
> 
> I take it that he had some childhood trauma or abuse?



UGH! I just typed out a note to you and it just disappeared so now I have to rewrite it again. 

Yes, there is a lot of childhood trauma that involves his dad and as an adult his brother. His dad would beat him pretty severely when he was little and he witness his mom and dad fighting a lot. When he was older he and his brother did not get a long. One compensated by being on over achiever, the other turned to drugs. One day these two got into an argument while the brother was on drugs. The brother pulled a gun and stuck it in my husbands face. As he was pulling the trigger my husband grabbed the gun and beat his brother with the butt end of the gun. Their mom came in and saw what was going on. The police were called and justice was served, but the mom took the brother's side. She still lives with the brother and supports him and she has nothing to do with my husband. 

Yes, you could say that this is turning into a mental illness of some kind. I think the process of dealing with our situation is causing all of these bad memories and situations to surface and he is becoming overwhelmed because he doesn't know what to do about it. The lady I talked to on Saturday said that she would talk with the counselor, but she didn't know if they would get into dealing with this type of thinking and behavior. She said maybe in their one on one sessions which are four times a month, but she said he may need additional resources. 

She scares me with what she says though because she doesn't have a whole lot of experience. She is only out of school since the end of November of 2011. And she has only seen 1 1/2 cycles of men go through the program - so about 13 months of dealing with men and women in the program. The counselor on the other hand has been at it for 23 years. So, I lay my money of the counselor to know what to do. I can't imagine my husband being the only person to ever go through the program with this kind of additional baggage. Wouldn't that seem logical?


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He was hiding in a couch of an apartment we had actually been standing outside of with the detectives


Wow! that's spooky! 
You mentioned that you need things to be different. The book I'm reading called divorce busting talks about SBT therapy. What this is is that you don't change the person, you change the actions. For instance your H may feel that you don't go out much anymore so you start planning spontaneous trips. However if your H doesn't like being spontaneous then maybe plan something with him. Try and think what it was that made him leave and work on the actions not you. If that doesn't make sense then don't worry it was confusing to me before someone explained it to me, lol.
The book hope for the separated and love life for every married couple also has some good tips on changing your life together for the better  I'm sure that in your books there is a section that will also help  Hope everything goes well for both of you


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Lost,
> 
> I am thinking that you are right and need to detach and go dark 180 on him. I am sorry to say but you just don't have much to work with. From here on out only texts or email about kids and finances. Ignore everything else.
> 
> Your H simply doesn't appear to want to be married to you anymore. If my W told me what he has told you, I would simply start making my plans to move on.
> 
> Would you really want him with you if the only reason was that it was just too painful financially to leave. What you are describing is nothing more than a financial prison and personally, that just would not be good enough for me. I need someone who values me more than that.


Tron, like I've said before, "It ain't over until the fat lady sings!"
I don't just want him back because it will be financially painful. I miss him every day and I still love him. I want us to be a family again. I get really sad when I see old couples out together in town and think that could be us!
It's only been two months since he left me. That's hardly any time to get my head round it! I like to think marriage is for life and just because our parents split up doesn't mean we have to go down the same path. He might be ready to move on, but I'm not!
I know you are exasperated with me keeping trying when there looks like there's no hope there, but my H has changed a lot. Since he stopped going to church and had all these issues with our last church it was the last straw for him. He went into a depression and changed overnight. Even one of our mutual friends thinks he's changed so much.
My H used to be one of these people who was kind hearted and would always do anything for anyone. He would go out of his way to help people. He's been stabbed in the back now and his attitude has changed.
I'm hoping that coming to Church today, it might be a start of him getting his faith back. God can then look after us as a family and make sure that we are closer than we've ever been before.
Ok he probably isn't coming back and the D is still going to go through, but as I said before it's that tiny bit of hope that keeps me going! I need to keep going, I can't afford to be depressed and miserable. I've got a son to look after and a college course to finish! Finishing my college course will make me more independent as it will allow me to start earning my own money! I need some distraction and this is what is giving me the distraction.
Faith and the belief in God is what's keeping me going. I know that God has a plan for me, I just wish I knew what it was, lol. 
I will only contact H though about our son and nothing else. Someone suggested putting an elastic band around my wrist and everytime I feel like contacting him then I've to snap the elastic band, lol. I've read loads of stories on the net where people have been in the same situation as me and somehow managed to sort out their problems and be R.
I hope that us three, me, Catch and Nemo will get our partners back someday and our marriages will be better and stronger than before  I bet I'm still saying this after I get my decree nisi through, lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> She scares me with what she says though because she doesn't have a whole lot of experience. She is only out of school since the end of November of 2011. And she has only seen 1 1/2 cycles of men go through the program - so about 13 months of dealing with men and women in the program. The counselor on the other hand has been at it for 23 years. So, I lay my money of the counselor to know what to do. I can't imagine my husband being the only person to ever go through the program with this kind of additional baggage. Wouldn't that seem logical?


I agree with you  When my son turned 18, we had a social worker come round to assess his needs and decide if he meets the criteria for extra help. She was only 23 and her spelling and grammar was appalling! She didn't give me any faith in her at all. Of course, she decided that my son didn't meet the criteria and so we've had to struggle with him on our own.
I would take what she says with a pinch of salt and ignore a lot of it if she has only had text book experience. His IC sounds a lot more savvy and hopefully he'll be able to get to the root of the problem.


----------



## Tron

Lost,

I am not exasperated with you but i think that a reality check may be on the menu. The current situation is heading South quickly and ther isnt a thing you can do about it if he doesnt change. Get your focus on finishing your coursework and getting some work, not on him. Gain some independence and make yourself stronger.

Marriage is for life, but only if both parties are committed to it.

If he comes back and recommits to you then fine, you will be in a better and stronger position. The pining for him and worrying every day doesn't seem to be working for you and is keeping you from getting yourself to a better place mentally.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Lost,
> 
> I am not exasperated with you but i think that a reality check may be on the menu. The current situation is heading South quickly and ther isnt a thing you can do about it if he doesnt change. Get your focus on finishing your coursework and getting some work, not on him. Gain some independence and make yourself stronger.
> 
> Marriage is for life, but only if both parties are committed to it.
> 
> If he comes back and recommits to you then fine, you will be in a better and stronger position. The pining for him and worrying every day doesn't seem to be working for you and is keeping you from getting yourself to a better place mentally.


Tron, I'm not pining and worrying for him every day, lol. I do lead an independent life and if he comes back then great, but if he doesn't then I've got to be prepared. The day after he told me he was filing for D, I couldn't concentrate at college and I told the tutor. She said that I don't have to give any treatments today if I didn't feel up to it. So that was another day wasted! I've got 4 weeks to finish this course and I need to stay positive. The last thing I need is to lose concentration when I'm giving a treatment to a client as it can be a health risk. When people know you are on a beauty course, they automatically think it's just about painting nails but it's a lot more involved than that! I've got to have my wits about me to pass my exams and if I don't keep my head screwed on then I'll fail and I want to pass this year. I'm not getting any younger you know, lol. The only thing that's keeping me focussed is to not think about the D. I do wish sometimes Tron that you'll read people's posts properly then you'll see that I'm not pining for him and BE POSITIVE! It's being positive that is keeping me going! Just call me pollyanna, lol.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Hi Nemo
> You H didn't say he was filing for D, it was just hearsay.
> 
> I can't be 100% for sure that he did not say that because when they enter the program they are asked their status of the relationship with the person they abused and they asked what their future goal is with this person. How do I know that he did not say that we are in the middle of getting a divorce? Maybe he was honest with them whereas he can't be honest with me because again...he has to deal with reality.
> 
> 
> 
> If he does, it's not the end of the world there's still hope! It hurt me initially, then I started surfing the net and found loads of things that gave me hope. I dried my eyes and started planning my next move.
> 
> 
> I have read all kind of stuff too, but I have a serious strike against me and that is that I represent a lot of deep hurt and pain. And if I am the trigger for all of his past history of hurt to be rising to the surface it may be too much for him to handle.
> 
> 
> One thing I read that may give you hope, if you don't want a D then tell your solicitor that. He/she will then mediate between you and your H and make him go to mediation or counselling.
> 
> 
> For now I am going to have to really place my trust in his counselor because he is my only hope right now.
> 
> I tried mediation, but the mediator and I agreed that I would pretty much be walking all over him because of his state of mind. There is a good chance that he would agree to anything just to get relief of having to deal with issues. I didn't think it would be very nice to walk all over him in a low point of his life He told me he was relived this was cancelled.
> 
> 
> As your H is still under counselling and other stuff, I don't think D is on his mind at the mo. Do you really think the solicitor will take him seriously at the mo? I don't  Which leaves me thinking, if H is as confused as you think he is then when he goes to see the solicitor she might say something to make him change his mind about filing. I don't think he's thought this through, but the solicitor will more than likely tell him all the ways in which it could go and some of the ways might not be to his advantage. For instance, instead of getting half the house, she could tell him he can't for some reason or another. I'm only surmising and it was only an example so don't shoot me up in flames Tron, lol.
> 
> Absolutely. He stands to lose A LOT! We lose our house and we lose never owning another house again because he won't ever get another loan. And finding another apartment or some place to live is going to be difficult because most places around here won't rent to you if you have an assault of any kind or domestic violence crime in your background. That was the reason he got into this apartment so quickly. They told him if he waited til he was charged they would not rent to him. I was able to see the rental agreement for a lot of places on line and all thought it could be considered a discrimination against certain renters they get away with it because violence of any kind is taken serious. This is where that cycle of addiction comes into play again. If he has had more than he can handle and he wants relief he won't be thinking about anything other than getting relief. He has friends he could live with for a long while so it's not like he would have no place to go. But, it would be settling for something and is going to place a lot of limits on him. I want to believe what he told me about coming home when his lease is up, but I have soo many people telling me not to listen to him.
> 
> 
> Are you going to the vitamin store for some Valerian? Have I convinced you it works? I hope so because it has helped me
> loads and better than any sleeping tablet on the market
> 
> I am going to try it tonight after I get my daughter.
> 
> 
> Did your daughter see anything on the net that your H has signed up to, ie. porn sites? If she did she will more than likely tell him that you know about them. How old is your daughter btw? she sounds quite young.
> 
> She is 13. She knows that he has signed up for one dating site. She asked me what it meant and I told her the truth. I told her that he is using to find someone else to be with other than me.
> 
> I was shaking so hard that she knew something was bad. After several phone calls with the lady I met with on Saturday she asked me to ask our daughter to not say anything so they can try and help him through what ever is going on. I explained to her that he really needs help and this is the only way we can get it to him. But, she is an honest kid and there is a good chance she will tell him. She doesn't know what was talked about yesterday so that I will keep confidential.
> 
> The things he wrote on his profile hurt me so bad because everything he wrote are *my exact words* that came out of my mouth at one time or another during our marriage. Those are my love deposits that were supposed to be used to make our marriage better. Not for him to spend all silly willy in some gross candy store.
> 
> I want just one time to be like both of you Lost and Catch and I would like the opportunity to have an honest conversation and get real answers I can bank on.
> 
> 
> Message me if you don't want anyone else to know, but I'd like to know as it will help me assess the situation better  My son always tells his dad what we've been doing and where we've been going. Nothing is private, lol.
> Hope you get some rest, take care and speak to you soon
> 
> I have been sleeping in a small chunks of time.
> 
> I was planning to try and sleep some more but my neighbor wants to come over and have a chat and check on me. I don't want to. Her husband is also a probation office and last night I had a chat with him and he pretty much convinced me to pack up and move to China already because he sees my husband doing nothing to show me he cares about me. He doesn't contact me or have very much to do with me. He doesn't call his daughter and only wants her when he wants her. So, he says from the stand point of someone who is committed to his family and marriage, my husband is not and he is only selfish and doesn't care about anything other than himself.
> 
> I tried to journal last night and sort through everything, but I keep coming up with mud.
> 
> I have counselors telling me all kind of opposite things, I got the legal system telling me another thing, I have this new lady telling me things, and I have my husband rambling around in my head.
> 
> The worst part...one person says listen to the words. Is he saying he cares about me? Does he call me and check in with us and ask how we are doing.
> 
> One person says look at the actions. Does he contact me, does he do things with me, does he make any effort to let me know that I am a priority? One person says if it's small things then I am not a priority. He is appeasing me to keep me helping make thing easier for him.
> 
> One person says look at his apartment and what is there. They say he has everything he needs and nothing more. Another person says he doesn't want any more where he is because that way people will feel sorry for him. Another person says he wants to stay connected to home by leaving things there.
> 
> The list just goes on and on.....I want off this amusement park ride. I want to file a complaint because it is not fun and should be condemned.


----------



## lostwithouthim

I agree Nemo, you've got too many people looking out for you who are in authority. I would definitely file a complaint and tell them it's too much for you!
I've just been emailing the advice centre and the social services asking for an appointment. (See Tron, I am getting things moving, lol). It's the only way I'll get things done as I'm at college and when I get home I forget to ring people up. Plus I don't really like ringing up, you get put on hold so many times and then you forget what you want to say to people.
I would email the person in charge and complain to them. It's much better to write it all down in an email than speak to them direct. Give them your contact number and let them call you back. At least then they will have a bit of a background story to what you want to complain about.
The most important thing is to give it all to God. When you go to bed tonight, spend some quiet time with God. Ask him to look after everything for you and to give you some guidance. listen to what he says, he always refers me to a passage in the bible which I look up and it always makes sense. If you can't hear him, then open the bible and just read some passages.
Try and put off your neighbours coming round. Say to them that you've not had much sleep and you're going to try and get some rest and you don't want company at the mo. Try and think of other excuses that you can use as well, they don't sound very helpful to me!
Talking of bed, I'm off early tonight. I want to read some more of my book and have a chat with God 
Take care and speak to you tomorrow


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Wow! that's spooky!
> You mentioned that you need things to be different. The book I'm reading called divorce busting talks about SBT therapy. What this is is that you don't change the person, you change the actions. For instance your H may feel that you don't go out much anymore so you start planning spontaneous trips. However if your H doesn't like being spontaneous then maybe plan something with him. Try and think what it was that made him leave and work on the actions not you. If that doesn't make sense then don't worry it was confusing to me before someone explained it to me, lol.
> The book hope for the separated and love life for every married couple also has some good tips on changing your life together for the better  I'm sure that in your books there is a section that will also help  Hope everything goes well for both of you


Thanks that makes a lot of sense to me. Yes, it is spooky too, so glad they got him !


----------



## catch22gofigure

Why do I feel like I'm just waiting on a bomb to drop. I left while he was sleeping and visited. my daughter. He woke up and called to let me know he was awake and had a run to make and that he was leaving the door unlocked for me. I'm feeling extra insecure right now because i can't imagine where he could possibly have to go. I still have that OW thought stuck in my head. But then i wonder would he want me back over here if he was going to be with someone or wouldnt he have been happy that i'd left and not call me...just leave and go to wherever ? Uggghhh me and this mind of mine is getting the best of me right now.


----------



## catch22gofigure

I would determine what it is that you want. Learn what it is you need to do to get that and keep anyone not directly involved in your goal out if your business. No one knows him or you like you do. Therefore we can only speculate. People like your neighbors no matter how friendly and helpful they may seem have no business knowing what's going on in your house let alone your marriage. That's what will add fuel to the fire and help keep you confused. I talk to one person, you all, and God about my marriage...that's it.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Tron, I'm not pining and worrying for him every day, lol. I do lead an independent life and if he comes back then great, but if he doesn't then I've got to be prepared. The day after he told me he was filing for D, I couldn't concentrate at college and I told the tutor. She said that I don't have to give any treatments today if I didn't feel up to it. So that was another day wasted! I've got 4 weeks to finish this course and I need to stay positive. The last thing I need is to lose concentration when I'm giving a treatment to a client as it can be a health risk. When people know you are on a beauty course, they automatically think it's just about painting nails but it's a lot more involved than that! I've got to have my wits about me to pass my exams and if I don't keep my head screwed on then I'll fail and I want to pass this year. I'm not getting any younger you know, lol. The only thing that's keeping me focussed is to not think about the D. I do wish sometimes Tron that you'll read people's posts properly then you'll see that I'm not pining for him and BE POSITIVE! It's being positive that is keeping me going! Just call me pollyanna, lol.


I would give the going dark a try though Lost. What could it hurt ? If he wants this even just a bit. Make him show you.


----------



## Tron

Lost,

Not meaning to misinterpret. I just think that detaching from this situation for a bit to get yourself together, get your classes completed and get a job will be much easier without the added stress of worrying about your H's actions and a looming D. You know this and have said as much. It is a way to gain some confidence and move ahead with or without him.

Make it happen. The 180 is made for a situation like this. I also suspect he is cheating on you again. Make him want you or at least a month or two from now you will know that it is soon to be over.

Has your H given you the ILYBNILWY speech? Has he told you he loves you at all over the past months?


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Why do I feel like I'm just waiting on a bomb to drop. I left while he was sleeping and visited. my daughter. He woke up and called to let me know he was awake and had a run to make and that he was leaving the door unlocked for me. I'm feeling extra insecure right now because i can't imagine where he could possibly have to go. I still have that OW thought stuck in my head. But then i wonder would he want me back over here if he was going to be with someone or wouldnt he have been happy that i'd left and not call me...just leave and go to wherever ? Uggghhh me and this mind of mine is getting the best of me right now.


Yes it is. Just stop, take a deep breath and try to relax.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok I feel like an a** he came back with his mom and our middle D...they had been to Walmart...


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok I feel like an a** he came back with his mom and our middle D...they had been to Walmart...


:lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Sorry. Couldn't help it! 

You are going to give yourself a massive coronary.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
> 
> Sorry. Couldn't help it!
> 
> You are going to give yourself a massive coronary.


Don't laugh at me...lol the first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem and Tron I will be the first to admit...i got a problem. ..smh @ myself. They picked me up and now he's cooked dinner for us at his moms and we're watching movies...lawdy lawdy i need help bad....lol


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Don't laugh at me...lol the first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem and Tron I will be the first to admit...i got a problem. ..smh @ myself. They picked me up and now he's cooked dinner for us at his moms and we're watching movies...lawdy lawdy i need help bad....lol



Aww....Catch I won't laugh because I have been in this situation and come to find out it was true. I have also been in your shoes and have found that my husband went off to do something special for me. That's why it important to establish a good foundation of honesty and trust. I will also tell you that my husband would not call me up and tell me he was going out some place before he went off. And I think most people in this situation would agree that the offending spouse begins to play hide and seek and you have to try and find them. Your husband stood in the wide open and gave you the truth. You'll get better.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Why do I feel like I'm just waiting on a bomb to drop. I left while he was sleeping and visited. my daughter. He woke up and called to let me know he was awake and had a run to make and that he was leaving the door unlocked for me. I'm feeling extra insecure right now because i can't imagine where he could possibly have to go. I still have that OW thought stuck in my head. But then i wonder would he want me back over here if he was going to be with someone or wouldnt he have been happy that i'd left and not call me...just leave and go to wherever ? Uggghhh me and this mind of mine is getting the best of me right now.


It's understandable that you feel this way. When my H came back to me after his affair, if he had a phone call he didn't want me to listen in on and went out of the house without telling me where he was going I would get suspicious. It's going to take a while for you to gain that trust again. You need to tell him however hard it may be that he needs to be honest with you if he wants this marriage to work. I wish that I was honest with H when he came back and didn't want to talk about it. He swept it under the carpet and wouldn't talk about it. I wanted to know why he had changed his mind and decided to give our marriage another shot.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I would determine what it is that you want. Learn what it is you need to do to get that and keep anyone not directly involved in your goal out if your business. No one knows him or you like you do. Therefore we can only speculate. People like your neighbors no matter how friendly and helpful they may seem have no business knowing what's going on in your house let alone your marriage. That's what will add fuel to the fire and help keep you confused. I talk to one person, you all, and God about my marriage...that's it.


I take it this was meant for Nemo, but it also applies to me as well. I'm not going to tell anyone that I think there might be hope for us, in case it gets back to H. I'll tell you all on here and to God and that's it. As far as anyone else knows he's filed for D and I'm just going along with it. People tell me I should fight for this house and I just agree with them. We'll see if that bit gets back to H.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I would give the going dark a try though Lost. What could it hurt ? If he wants this even just a bit. Make him show you.


I agree Catch, I intend to go dark on him


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Lost,
> 
> Not meaning to misinterpret. I just think that detaching from this situation for a bit to get yourself together, get your classes completed and get a job will be much easier without the added stress of worrying about your H's actions and a looming D. You know this and have said as much. It is a way to gain some confidence and move ahead with or without him.
> 
> Make it happen. The 180 is made for a situation like this. I also suspect he is cheating on you again. Make him want you or at least a month or two from now you will know that it is soon to be over.
> 
> Has your H given you the ILYBNILWY speech? Has he told you he loves you at all over the past months?


No he hasn't given me the ilybnilwy speech. There's no ow, I would've found out by now if there was. He keeps telling me there's no ow, I'd feel more hopeful if there was. I know it is over and there's very little chance of r, but can't a gal have at least 1% hope in her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> No he hasn't given me the ilybnilwy speech. There's no ow, I would've found out by now if there was. He keeps telling me there's no ow, I'd feel more hopeful if there was. I know it is over and there's very little chance of r, but can't a gal have at least 1% hope in her life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can take 5% if you want.  Feel better?

Continue with the 180 you will be moving forward towards R or D either way.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Don't laugh at me...lol the first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem and Tron I will be the first to admit...i got a problem. ..smh @ myself. They picked me up and now he's cooked dinner for us at his moms and we're watching movies...lawdy lawdy i need help bad....lol


So far the facts as I see them is that the only thing he has done to hurt you or potentially break your trust is to move out and get an apartment. And frankly, I don't see it so much as breaking your trust as shaking the foundation of a marriage that by all accounts was heading South. 

Think about that. 

According to your descriptions here, you two are now spending quality peaceful time together, the conflict within the M is now at a minimum, and there is a decent level of intimacy. 

Your issues are your issues Catch. The needs you say aren't getting met need to be tempered because those may all be coming from that place that you should be focusing on trying to fix within yourself. Continue to focus and work on those. 

Definitely continue on with your IC for another few weeks at least. Tell her you thought that last week's session was hokey and you got nothing out of it. She may have gotten a lot out of it and may be able to explain what and why to you.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> It's understandable that you feel this way. When my H came back to me after his affair, if he had a phone call he didn't want me to listen in on and went out of the house without telling me where he was going I would get suspicious. It's going to take a while for you to gain that trust again. You need to tell him however hard it may be that he needs to be honest with you if he wants this marriage to work. I wish that I was honest with H when he came back and didn't want to talk about it. He swept it under the carpet and wouldn't talk about it. I wanted to know why he had changed his mind and decided to give our marriage another shot.


I guess in my learning ill learn to do this...hopefully. Trust is hard for me withanybody ...childhood stuff that has followed me i guess. I know it'll take A while...but oh. how happy ill be when that day comes.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> So far the facts as I see them is that the only thing he has done to hurt you or potentially break your trust is to move out and get an apartment. And frankly, I don't see it so much as breaking your trust as shaking the foundation of a marriage that by all accounts was heading South.
> 
> Think about that.
> 
> According to your descriptions here, you two are now spending quality peaceful time together, the conflict within the M is now at a minimum, and there is a decent level of intimacy.
> 
> Your issues are your issues Catch. The needs you say aren't getting met need to be tempered because those may all be coming from that place that you should be focusing on trying to fix within yourself. Continue to focus and work on those.
> 
> Definitely continue on with your IC for another few weeks at least. Tell her you thought that last week's session was hokey and you got nothing out of it. She may have gotten a lot out of it and may be able to explain what and why to you.


Understood. I will be able to see things more clearly once I get employment . I always am the best I can be when employed. So much going on right now that everything is smoke and mirrors for me. He again this morning is insinuating that I move in this apt. I may...idk. im just scared to I guess....plus its SMALL !!


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Understood. I will be able to see things more clearly once I get employment . I always am the best I can be when employed. So much going on right now that everything is smoke and mirrors for me. He again this morning is insinuating that I move in this apt. I may...idk. im just scared to I guess....plus its SMALL !!


If it's too small, why don't you ask him again to move back into the family home and tell him that you want to be together but the apt is too small. It's good though that you're thinking of moving in with him  I wish I was in your position


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> If it's too small, why don't you ask him again to move back into the family home and tell him that you want to be together but the apt is too small. It's good though that you're thinking of moving in with him  I wish I was in your position


No, it's too early for that I think. I think he feels like I do...too many bad memories is that home. The home was built for us by people who did it because of me...not him. Remember his need to feel like "a man". I think us moving into something that's technically his will be somewhat of an ego stroke. I want us to stay as we are relationship wise...for now at least.


----------



## lostwithouthim

My H is going to the solicitors tomorrow. I've just submitted a prayer to the prayerline on UCB, which is a UK Christian radio station. It is in God's hands now


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> If it's too small, why don't you ask him again to move back into the family home and tell him that you want to be together but the apt is too small. It's good though that you're thinking of moving in with him  I wish I was in your position


No, it's too early for that I think. I think he feels like I do...too many bad memories is that home. The home was built for us by people who did it because of me...not him. Remember his need to feel like "a man". I think us moving into something that's technically his will be somewhat of an ego stroke. I want us to stay as we are relationship wise...for now at least.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Idk how it posted that twice


----------



## catch22gofigure

Has continued Pl


Finding Nemo said:


> Aww....Catch I won't laugh because I have been in this situation and come to find out it was true. I have also been in your shoes and have found that my husband went off to do something special for me. That's why it important to establish a good foundation of honesty and trust. I will also tell you that my husband would not call me up and tell me he was going out some place before he went off. And I think most people in this situation would agree that the offending spouse begins to play hide and seek and you have to try and find them. Your husband stood in the wide open and gave you the truth. You'll get better.


Thanks Nemo im trying. I had a big cry baby breakdown today because of my current 
Employment status. He held me and told me things will be ok that im not alone. The support felt good. I just pray that things look up for me on this. I think (in my lil sick mind now ) that he is being supportive from a friend POV. I hope in my healing im proven wrong and you all right. It really felt good to know I have his support. I cried, he held me, and then he said we should nap. He even held me as we napped. I have another interview Wed. So maybe it'll yield something good.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> My H is going to the solicitors tomorrow. I've just submitted a prayer to the prayerline on UCB, which is a UK Christian radio station. It is in God's hands now


All you can do now is pray. Let go and let God. Im such a control freak I keep messing up the letting go part...smh


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Has continued Pl
> 
> Thanks Nemo im trying. I had a big cry baby breakdown today because of my current
> Employment status. He held me and told me things will be ok that im not alone. The support felt good. I just pray that things look up for me on this. I think (in my lil sick mind now ) that he is being supportive from a friend POV. I hope in my healing im proven wrong and you all right. It really felt good to know I have his support. I cried, he held me, and then he said we should nap. He even held me as we napped. I have another interview Wed. So maybe it'll yield something good.


Good luck with the interview  Sometimes friends can be a bad influence. I feel this in my H's case that he's got in with a bad crowd who don't go to church and ridicule people that do!
Hopefully this is not the case for your situation  My prayers are with you  Got to go to bed as I'm shattered. Night everyone


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> All you can do now is pray. Let go and let God. Im such a control freak I keep messing up the letting go part...smh


Me too  lol. Actually my problem is patience, lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Good luck with the interview  Sometimes friends can be a bad influence. I feel this in my H's case that he's got in with a bad crowd who don't go to church and ridicule people that do!
> Hopefully this is not the case for your situation  My prayers are with you  Got to go to bed as I'm shattered. Night everyone


He has friends, but most of his time is spent with me and the kids. He is not usually easily influenced either. So i hope this is not the case either.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Has continued Pl
> 
> Thanks Nemo im trying. I had a big cry baby breakdown today because of my current
> Employment status. He held me and told me things will be ok that im not alone. The support felt good. I just pray that things look up for me on this. I think (in my lil sick mind now ) that he is being supportive from a friend POV. I hope in my healing im proven wrong and you all right. It really felt good to know I have his support. I cried, he held me, and then he said we should nap. He even held me as we napped. I have another interview Wed. So maybe it'll yield something good.


Are you sure you need marriage help :scratchhead: because there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this one. 

You might think about moving this thread to the "help finding a job" forum.

I'm JK...but not really. 

If the only conflict right now is where to live, the apartment or the house with bad memories, my suggestion is to move into the apartment, sell the house, and use the equity to buy something better on down the road that both of you can have ownership in.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Are you sure you need marriage help :scratchhead: because there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this one.
> 
> You might think about moving this thread to the "help finding a job" forum.
> 
> I'm JK...but not really.
> 
> If the only conflict right now is where to live, the apartment or the house with bad memories, my suggestion is to move into the apartment, sell the house, and use the equity to buy something better on down the road that both of you can have ownership in.


Tron you're a hoot !
I AM SO SCARED THOUGH !! Of what I don't know. ..i think I may need a lil more than a weekly IC visit. i think I may need to get on something for a lil while for anxiety maybe ??!!! Why is so hard for me to accept that something is going ok for me ? I mean I really feel like this all is a front by him. Like he is gonna say one of these days "look it's time we move on or something" ..I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME !! I gotta do something about this. ..i want to see what you all see.. i really really do... , so bittersweet


----------



## catch22gofigure

But !!! Biggg BUT !! We still don't talk about us.. what about that ?


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> But !!! Biggg BUT !! We still don't talk about us.. what about that ?





Tron said:


> Your issues are your issues Catch. The needs you say aren't getting met need to be tempered because those may all be coming from that place that you should be focusing on trying to fix within yourself. Continue to focus and work on those.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Tron you're a hoot !
> I AM SO SCARED THOUGH !! Of what I don't know. ..i think I may need a lil more than a weekly IC visit. i think I may need to get on something for a lil while for anxiety maybe ??!!! Why is so hard for me to accept that something is going ok for me ? I mean I really feel like this all is a front by him. Like he is gonna say one of these days "look it's time we move on or something" ..I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME !! I gotta do something about this. ..i want to see what you all see.. i really really do... , so bittersweet


The answers to these questions will likely be revealed when you are able to successfully deal with your childhood issues and whatever traumas you have had as an adult. I truly believe that.

I know you don't want to go on drugs, but a little anxiety medication might help.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Hey Guys...Sad day. Lots of tears. Lots of frustration and not much closer to a solution that I was before. Tron, or any other guy out there...Why do I have to pull your freaking teeth out in order to get one simple question answered. Sure, it's going to hurt one of us, but dang it why can't it just be a simple process? And then why does the answer you give have to be one that muddles my poor head even more than the question I original asked an answer for? 

Lost I think we need to trade screen names. I really do feel lost right now. I have been in and out of bed for about 5 days now. I tried the Valerian and while I did sleep for a little bit I reacted to it just like I have on the Melatonin. I slept for a couple of hours and I was right back out of bed. GRR! A lot of it has to do with the stress of my situation, but I really would like to sleep well for a change. I was doing so well two weeks ago. 

Catch, I am glad you are getting call backs on employment. I must really suck...I have turned out at least 3 hundred applications and not a single call back on them. I had my resume audited and they said it looks good and has a lot of good bullet points so I guess I am just being impatient. Sigh. Lost I will say a prayer for you that when you husband starts to talk to the solicitor his heart will soften and see things differently.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> The answers to these questions will likely be revealed when you are able to successfully deal with your childhood issues and whatever traumas you have had as an adult. I truly believe that.
> 
> I know you don't want to go on drugs, but a little anxiety medication might help.


Ok. I think so as well. I hate taking meds, but I don't want to further jeopardize things if I dont have to. I may find something herbal and see if that helps first. I've never tried that route.

His health insurance kicks in soon and my first appt. Will be with a better therapist. Im gonna keep going to her and mention again what you said. That I need to be challenged. I just feel like she being so generic. The stuff she tryna do it seems....pssshtt...been there done that stuff. The main reason im going to her...none of that crap worked ! Like you said I need to be challenged. ...that simplestuff is not gonna work for me.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok , OKAY...i hear ya loud and clear about owning my issues. Break out the paper plates, paper , and scissors again. I have work to do...sighs


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok. I think so as well. I hate taking meds, but I don't want to further jeopardize things if I dont have to. I may find something herbal and see if that helps first. I've never tried that route.
> 
> His health insurance kicks in soon and my first appt. Will be with a better therapist. Im gonna keep going to her and mention again what you said. That I need to be challenged. I just feel like she being so generic. The stuff she tryna do it seems....pssshtt...been there done that stuff. The main reason im going to her...none of that crap worked ! Like you said I need to be challenged. ...that simplestuff is not gonna work for me.



I have been so lucky with my self finding a good counselor, but my husband and I went to two. The first one was a pushover and the second one was a get in your face and tell you to knock your crap off kind of person. I really miss her. I wish I could afford to pay her and I would go back to seeing her. I hope you are able to find yourself a good one. It really can be helpful if you find the right person.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Hey Guys...Sad day. Lots of tears. Lots of frustration and not much closer to a solution that I was before. Tron, or any other guy out there...Why do I have to pull your freaking teeth out in order to get one simple question answered. Sure, it's going to hurt one of us, but dang it why can't it just be a simple process? And then why does the answer you give have to be one that muddles my poor head even more than the question I original asked an answer for?
> 
> Lost I think we need to trade screen names. I really do feel lost right now. I have been in and out of bed for about 5 days now. I tried the Valerian and while I did sleep for a little bit I reacted to it just like I have on the Melatonin. I slept for a couple of hours and I was right back out of bed. GRR! A lot of it has to do with the stress of my situation, but I really would like to sleep well for a change. I was doing so well two weeks ago.
> 
> Catch, I am glad you are getting call backs on employment. I must really suck...I have turned out at least 3 hundred applications and not a single call back on them. I had my resume audited and they said it looks good and has a lot of good bullet points so I guess I am just being impatient. Sigh. Lost I will say a prayer for you that when you husband starts to talk to the solicitor his heart will soften and see things differently.


I have gotten this one call back out of the thousands I have in as well. I'm averaging one interview per 150 applications or resumes sent. I to have had my resumes examined, as I have several for different job types. Im networking and anything else I can think of ...nothing is working right now. That's why I'm wanting to leave town remember. .not so much him;but I cant find work.


----------



## Finding Nemo

I wish you guys could see this mess over here dancing around my house. I was playing some of the music from my dance class and my daughter overheard a new song she hasn't heard before. So she asked me to download it to her ipod. Now she is dancing around my house with her headphones in her ears. I told her she should come dance with me and she told me belly dancing is for "You Older Women" she said us younger girls just want to be free. :rofl: She made me think of someone who was living in the 70s. My nature child...:rofl:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Hey Guys...Sad day. Lots of tears. Lots of frustration and not much closer to a solution that I was before. Tron, or any other guy out there...Why do I have to pull your freaking teeth out in order to get one simple question answered. Sure, it's going to hurt one of us, but dang it why can't it just be a simple process? And then why does the answer you give have to be one that muddles my poor head even more than the question I original asked an answer for?
> 
> Lost I think we need to trade screen names. I really do feel lost right now. I have been in and out of bed for about 5 days now. I tried the Valerian and while I did sleep for a little bit I reacted to it just like I have on the Melatonin. I slept for a couple of hours and I was right back out of bed. GRR! A lot of it has to do with the stress of my situation, but I really would like to sleep well for a change. I was doing so well two weeks ago.
> 
> Catch, I am glad you are getting call backs on employment. I must really suck...I have turned out at least 3 hundred applications and not a single call back on them. I had my resume audited and they said it looks good and has a lot of good bullet points so I guess I am just being impatient. Sigh. Lost I will say a prayer for you that when you husband starts to talk to the solicitor his heart will soften and see things differently.


I'm praying things get better for your sleep soon. I've used sleepy time tea by celestial seasonings...i have a gentle system though. Doesn't take much for things to have an affect on me. You can find it at your local grocery store.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I have gotten this one call back out of the thousands I have in as well. I'm averaging one interview per 150 applications or resumes sent. I to have had my resumes examined, as I have several for different job types. Im networking and anything else I can think of ...nothing is working right now. That's why I'm wanting to leave town remember. .not so much him;but I cant find work.



I live near a University so jobs get filled really quickly. And being that it's been a while since I have worked a full time job I don't think employers are looking to closely at my resume.  It helps to know I am not alone. Now if only my husband could see how hard I really am trying ... I was up all night a few nights ago and I don't know how I got signed up, but I have gotten a bazillion calls about loans and going to school. I am paying off my school loan. I don't need another one without a job...sigh.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm praying things get better for your sleep soon. I've used sleepy time tea by celestial seasonings...i have a gentle system though. Doesn't take much for things to have an affect on me. You can find it at your local grocery store.



I am extremely sensitive as well, but nothing seems to be working. If this keeps up I am going to make an appointment with my doctor and talk to him and ask for help. That scares me though because last time I took prescription stuff I behaved as if I had a stroke. My husband took care of me last time. I won't have anyone to look after me this time.  I asked my daughter to try and lay down with me thinking the comfort of feeling someone next to me would help, but she is Miss Independent and she is too big to lay next to her dear old mom. Good thing my kitty doesn't see it that way.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I have been so lucky with my self finding a good counselor, but my husband and I went to two. The first one was a pushover and the second one was a get in your face and tell you to knock your crap off kind of person. I really miss her. I wish I could afford to pay her and I would go back to seeing her. I hope you are able to find yourself a good one. It really can be helpful if you find the right person.


See I feel that's the kind I need. The get in your face type. ..this other lady will be too easy for me not to take serious


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I wish you guys could see this mess over here dancing around my house. I was playing some of the music from my dance class and my daughter overheard a new song she hasn't heard before. So she asked me to download it to her ipod. Now she is dancing around my house with her headphones in her ears. I told her she should come dance with me and she told me belly dancing is for "You Older Women" she said us younger girls just want to be free. :rofl: She made me think of someone who was living in the 70s. My nature child...:rofl:


How cute ! She sounds like a fun kid!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I live near a University so jobs get filled really quickly. And being that it's been a while since I have worked a full time job I don't think employers are looking to closely at my resume.  It helps to know I am not alone. Now if only my husband could see how hard I really am trying ... I was up all night a few nights ago and I don't know how I got signed up, but I have gotten a bazillion calls about loans and going to school. I am paying off my school loan. I don't need another one without a job...sigh.


I too live in a college town. There's 3 here, one being world renown ...so you are not Alone.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> See I feel that's the kind I need. The get in your face type. ..this other lady will be too easy for me not to take serious


Boy..if anyone looks at my computer history today they are going to really think I have wacked out. I was looking at kiddo stuff earlier. Playing belly dancing music and a moment ago I did a search to see if I could figure a way to find you a strong counselor. Our counselor before was involved in suicide prevention and that is why she was so "in your face". Of course that was only part of her job and in no way did she treat you like you were trying to do that. I still think of all the things she said to my husband and myself. And I think that is why I have a hard time letting go of this mess. I remember all the work she did in just a few sessions and I remember the way she got my husband to open up. I hope his classes and counseling will be strong enough to get him to open up to me again. I miss him like crazy...


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Boy..if anyone looks at my computer history today they are going to really think I have wacked out. I was looking at kiddo stuff earlier. Playing belly dancing music and a moment ago I did a search to see if I could figure a way to find you a strong counselor. Our counselor before was involved in suicide prevention and that is why she was so "in your face". Of course that was only part of her job and in no way did she treat you like you were trying to do that. I still think of all the things she said to my husband and myself. And I think that is why I have a hard time letting go of this mess. I remember all the work she did in just a few sessions and I remember the way she got my husband to open up. I hope his classes and counseling will be strong enough to get him to open up to me again. I miss him like crazy...


Aww thanks for looking out for me. I'm sure you miss him...it does hurt to not be connected to the ones you love so dearly. I wish i could get this man here into counseling , he'd be perfect then. They'll have to (if he ever goes ) be dead on from the get go or he'll forever feel its all a crock. Glad he didn't get the chance to run into the Romper Room therapist i have...that would have been a tragedy.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He has friends, but most of his time is spent with me and the kids. He is not usually easily influenced either. So i hope this is not the case either.


Sorry Catch, I misinterpreted what you said, lol. When you said from a friend pov, I didn't realise that you were referring to yourself. Sorry again, my head's all over the place at the mo, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Tron you're a hoot !
> I AM SO SCARED THOUGH !! Of what I don't know. ..i think I may need a lil more than a weekly IC visit. i think I may need to get on something for a lil while for anxiety maybe ??!!! Why is so hard for me to accept that something is going ok for me ? I mean I really feel like this all is a front by him. Like he is gonna say one of these days "look it's time we move on or something" ..I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME !! I gotta do something about this. ..i want to see what you all see.. i really really do... , so bittersweet


Maybe you need a support group for depression or anxiety. You're bound to feel anxious, I know I was the first time that my H came back this year. It'll take a while, but as long as you start making changes in your marriage and carry on doing what you do best you should be ok  Just don't slip back into your old ways of shouting back at him, remain calm and don't give back as good as you get  Be patient, things aren't going to be back to how they were overnight. Good luck


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Hey Guys...Sad day. Lots of tears. Lots of frustration and not much closer to a solution that I was before. Tron, or any other guy out there...Why do I have to pull your freaking teeth out in order to get one simple question answered. Sure, it's going to hurt one of us, but dang it why can't it just be a simple process? And then why does the answer you give have to be one that muddles my poor head even more than the question I original asked an answer for?
> 
> Lost I think we need to trade screen names. I really do feel lost right now. I have been in and out of bed for about 5 days now. I tried the Valerian and while I did sleep for a little bit I reacted to it just like I have on the Melatonin. I slept for a couple of hours and I was right back out of bed. GRR! A lot of it has to do with the stress of my situation, but I really would like to sleep well for a change. I was doing so well two weeks ago.
> 
> Catch, I am glad you are getting call backs on employment. I must really suck...I have turned out at least 3 hundred applications and not a single call back on them. I had my resume audited and they said it looks good and has a lot of good bullet points so I guess I am just being impatient. Sigh. Lost I will say a prayer for you that when you husband starts to talk to the solicitor his heart will soften and see things differently.


Nemo, so sorry you are going through all this hurt and unanswered questions at the mo  I'm sorry that the valerian didn't work for you, I guess it doesn't work for everyone! When you can't sleep, get up but don't go on the computer, find something boring to do instead like ironing. Even the thought of doing this is enough to send me back to sleep lol. 
Good luck on finding a job, we have the same trouble over here. There will be one out there for you  
Thanks for the prayer  I said a prayer this morning as well, I know God can't make him change his mind but he can see the error of his ways. Speak to you later, off to college now 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Maybe you need a support group for depression or anxiety. You're bound to feel anxious, I know I was the first time that my H came back this year. It'll take a while, but as long as you start making changes in your marriage and carry on doing what you do best you should be ok  Just don't slip back into your old ways of shouting back at him, remain calm and don't give back as good as you get  Be patient, things aren't going to be back to how they were overnight. Good luck


Yeah i think the shouting part, I have under control. It's my thoughts and insecurities that get me wound up. He haven't even given me a reason to scream here lately. I just don't know where this is all leading or not. That's where my anxiety kicks in. Fear of the unknown.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Nemo, when I was at college today, someone suggested a way of relaxing and I thought hey that's a good idea! I thought of you when she told me  about half an hour before you go to bed, put on a face mask. You'll have to sit there for about 10 mins so that it sets and so it will make you relax. You could do it with your daughter as well as a fun activity  if I was over there, I'd come and give you a facial and massage. That always relaxes me. In fact having any treatments done where I've got to either sit down or lie down relaxes me. I once nearly fell asleep when I was having my legs waxed, lol. All the other students couldn't believe how I nearly fell asleep, they thought it was so funny lol 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## catch22gofigure

Good day all !


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Yeah i think the shouting part, I have under control. It's my thoughts and insecurities that get me wound up. He haven't even given me a reason to scream here lately. I just don't know where this is all leading or not. That's where my anxiety kicks in. Fear of the unknown.


Fear that this might actually be real.

Fear that he might actually love you.

Fear that he might actually want to stay with you.

I bet if you simply asked him "how do you feel about how we are doing right now?", he would say "really, really good".

The key question, in my mind, is how do you feel about that answer? And therein lies the problem, Catch.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Fear that this might actually be real.
> 
> Fear that he might actually love you.
> 
> Fear that he might actually want to stay with you.
> 
> I bet if you simply asked him "how do you feel about how we are doing right now?", he would say "really, really good".
> 
> The key question, in my mind, is how do you feel about that answer? And therein lies the problem, Catch.


Wow !! Powerful indeed Tron. My fear is that if I ask him that question is that his reply will be....im still done, youre just my best friend, and i want to help you untilyou get a job and on your feet. That's my ultimate fear.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Wow !! Powerful indeed Tron. My fear is that if I ask him that question is that his reply will be....im still done, youre just my best friend, and i want to help you untilyou get a job and on your feet. That's my ultimate fear.


The question will need to be asked, but all in good time. Be patient. Get a handle on the anxiety. Figure out whether you can live with him in the apartment.

He is asking you for a permanent living arrangement...so "help you until you get a job and on your feet" simply doesn't fit.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> The question will need to be asked, but all in good time. Be patient. Get a handle on the anxiety. Figure out whether you can live with him in the apartment.
> 
> He is asking you for a permanent living arrangement...so "help you until you get a job and on your feet" simply doesn't fit.


Ok.. im just sooo fragile right now. I feel it best to wait to pop this question too. It'll shut him down im telling ya. This man can't discuss stuff like that. He just likes to pick up and keep moving from wherever we're at. We can talk about this years issues 2yrs from now. That's how it seems to go with him...idk why he's this way...he just is. I feel me up and talking about anything like that will set us back about two months.

Im trying to prepare myself to accept that offer...it's gonna take me a minute though. I just don't want my current financial situation to have to force me to. I don't want to move i. Under those conditions. ..I want a job first. My unemployment is sufficient. ..but not fulfilling for me at all.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Uncertainty has me bound.. actions like his staring at me when he thinks im not looking and little stuff like that makes me wonder , wth is he thinking?


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Uncertainty has me bound.. actions like his staring at me when he thinks im not looking and little stuff like that makes me wonder , wth is he thinking?


What does he do when you catch him staring?


----------



## catch22gofigure

I also feel at times..that Mr. i don't research stuff...has come across 180 info. I could be wrong...but I do get that "feeling" sometimes.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What does he do when you catch him staring?


He Asks me if im ok, twice today he's done it. Once while lying in bed after...well u know...and once while I was watching television.


----------



## Tron

Looks like endearment to me.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Looks like endearment to me.


You really think? Do you ever stare at Mrs.Tron ? When you do what do you be thinking ?(yeah...im kuntree...lol )


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> You really think? Do you ever stare at Mrs.Tron ? When you do what do you be thinking ?(yeah...im kuntree...lol )


I be thinkin' I luv this woman. If I aint happy with her then I sureas**** dont be starin' at her.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I be thinkin' I luv this woman. If I aint happy with her then I sureas**** dont be starin' at her.


Ok...lol that reply literally made me lol !! I do realize most of it is my insecurities. We had good general conversation before he left for work. I've been "holding out" since the whole defensive phone thing. So today, I rewarded him for all that support he gave me yesterday during my meltdown. Things were over quickly. Which is another issue I've complained about in the past A LOT ! He would blame me for it... and I would say it's lack of care or concern for my needs. Today, I didn't complain. He apologized, and I just said I understand he's probably tired....(i was lying about my feelings ) but that was the endof that.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok...lol that reply literally made me lol !! I do realize most of it is my insecurities. We had good general conversation before he left for work. I've been "holding out" since the whole defensive phone thing. So today, I rewarded him for all that support he gave me yesterday during my meltdown. Things were over quickly. Which is another issue I've complained about in the past A LOT ! He would blame me for it... and I would say it's lack of care or concern for my needs. Today, I didn't complain. He apologized, and I just said I understand he's probably tired....(i was lying about my feelings ) but that was the endof that.


Hmmm. Interesting. This is a twist I wasn't expecting. But OK, I suppose we can go there too.

As far as sex goes. Maybe you need to slow things down and lead him by the hand a little bit, if you know what I mean. Positive reinforcement always helps too.

BTW, there is another little forum on here called "Sex in Marriage". You might start a little thread over there. 

I also sometimes listen to Dr Jenn Berman on Sirius XM Cosmo Radio for that kind of stuff. I think she has a website and book recommendations too.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok... I'll check out that section. I've heard a lil from Dr. Berman. ..she has a show if im not mistaken. Yeah we go have to fix "that" too...and though the "blame" is flattering. ..i know it's not solely the truth.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ohhh and for once Tron i have to disagree...positive reinforcement makes it worse...much worse...If I open my mouth and say just one encouraging word...it's a wrap for sure. Now taking by the hand...i don't get that part. You don't have to elaborate if it's too uncomfortable....i'll work up a post in another thread. Though I'd rather have your take on the matter.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok.. im just sooo fragile right now. He just likes to pick up and keep moving from wherever we're at. We can talk about this years issues 2yrs from now.



This is me...the fragile one...and your husband is just like my husband. He wants to wait 9 to 12 months before talking about anything or making any kind of commitments. Life doesn't work that way. 

And for this same exact reason I am really questioning things in a new light today. I have to decide if my husband is playing the part of the "victim" with all of his excuses about being afraid of me, not wanting anything to do with me etc in order for me to be the to file for Divorce and that makes him look like the good guy. Oh whoa is me! Look at how fragile I am and all I did for her and she divorced me. Or does this guy really have some problems going on in his head? :scratchhead:


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Now taking by the hand...i don't get that part. You don't have to elaborate if it's too uncomfortable.



I wish I could see your face when Tron answers this question. I know I blushed when I read it. :smthumbup:


----------



## lostwithouthim

Hey you guys I've just rung the prayer line  I tried to ring them last night, but I couldn't get through so I decided to email them.
He asked a bunch of questions about our situations, nothing too involved just basic questions about us and our family. He read me a passage from the bible which was 2 Corinthians 1 verse 3. We talked a bit more then he said he was going to pray with me.
Wow! that prayer was so powerful, I can now FEEL the holy spirit running through my body or maybe that's the wine, lol.
It was a really good prayer and he was a lovely person to talk to. I recommend that if you've got a similar thing over there that you ring as well. The call wasn't that expensive either


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Look at how fragile I am and all I did for her and she divorced me. Or does this guy really have some problems going on in his head? :scratchhead:


I think he does have some problems going on in his head and needs to get them sorted out before you take anything he says seriously. At the mo he's up and down with his emotions, feelings and general well being. I agree to wait 6-9 months for him to get his head sorted out otherwise he'll do your head in as well


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok... I'll check out that section. I've heard a lil from Dr. Berman. ..she has a show if im not mistaken. Yeah we go have to fix "that" too...and though the "blame" is flattering. ..i know it's not solely the truth.


You just feel SO DAMN GOOD Catch! What is a man to do?  

In general, as a man, it is easier to last longer when we are doing it more often. As far as foreplay...that just requires a commitment to your spouse. You just need to let him know somehow in a good and understanding way what you need and expect. 

Sounds like you two are pretty vanilla and don't experiment too much? Not too open? Any hang-ups? You or him? Maybe you need to dress up as a DOM and crack the :whip: on his azz. JK 

The other forum could be helpful, but I have not spent any time there. I know it is a pretty active one. 

Berman talks about it much better than I could. She is on Satellite Radio (Cosmo) from 10 to 12 CDT and then replays from 7 to 11 CDT. I listened to her a lot before I came here.


----------



## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> I wish I could see your face when Tron answers this question. I know I blushed when I read it. :smthumbup:


Most men have 2 hands with 5 fingers. That is a lot of digits to be gettin' busy. :rofl: 

Just put em where you want 'em and make his fingers do the walking.


----------



## lostwithouthim

OK! hem hem! back to learning my massage routine for tomorrow, lol. I did mean for college before you get any ideas, lol


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey you guys I've just rung the prayer line  I tried to ring them last night, but I couldn't get through so I decided to email them.
> He asked a bunch of questions about our situations, nothing too involved just basic questions about us and our family. He read me a passage from the bible which was 2 Corinthians 1 verse 3. We talked a bit more then he said he was going to pray with me.
> Wow! that prayer was so powerful, I can now FEEL the holy spirit running through my body or maybe that's the wine, lol.
> It was a really good prayer and he was a lovely person to talk to. I recommend that if you've got a similar thing over there that you ring as well. The call wasn't that expensive either



Interesting that you say this because I was waiting on a call from yesterday that I placed. She gave me that same scripture. She sent me some email to that went with it. If you would like to see what she sent to me, PM me and I will email it to you. There are three prayers she sent to me. I really needed to reach out to someone today and I am glad she called when she did.


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> OK! hem hem! back to learning my massage routine for tomorrow, lol. I did mean for college before you get any ideas, lol


By the way Lost. You now have a heavy hitter talking to you on Bravelady's thread. Pay attention.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> By the way Lost. You now have a heavy hitter talking to you on Bravelady's thread. Pay attention.


What's a heavy hitter and who is it?


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Interesting that you say this because I was waiting on a call from yesterday that I placed. She gave me that same scripture. She sent me some email to that went with it. If you would like to see what she sent to me, PM me and I will email it to you. There are three prayers she sent to me. I really needed to reach out to someone today and I am glad she called when she did.


Thanks Nemo  That's how I felt when I rang up the prayer line, wanting to reach out to someone and who better than the Lord our Father  He asked God to heal us all from the pain and suffering that this separation is doing to us and bring us all back as a family again. It was longer than that but I can't remember the rest of the prayer


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> What's a heavy hitter and who is it?


Generally one who has been on the forum a very long time and gives good advice (mostly). You can typically tell by their post count and likes. If your H files and you need support there are some threads on Going Through Divorce and Private Members forums that might be helpful to you. 

I know Nemo started a journal there and she hasn't had many postings, but she doesn't really talk to her H much and they are in a forced separation. 

Give me some time and I might find a couple of threads for you to read through. Unfortunately, most of the threads that I think would be most helpful or applicable to your situation also involve infidelity and a long drawn out divorce.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks Nemo  That's how I felt when I rang up the prayer line, wanting to reach out to someone and who better than the Lord our Father  He asked God to heal us all from the pain and suffering that this separation is doing to us and bring us all back as a family again. It was longer than that but I can't remember the rest of the prayer


Look in your email. It's called Spiritual Warfare Documents.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Look in your email. It's called Spiritual Warfare Documents.


Thanks Nemo  I got my emails before I went on here and was confused as to where I got these pdf files from, lol.
I've heard about that website before through someone else but hadn't bothered subscribing to it. Maybe I will now 
Thanks again


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron, I liked this that you wrote on the other thread - "Time to establish a new normal. Make him feel what it is like to be divorced. He is on his own. No time wandering around your house on the weekends like he lives there. No sex. Nothing but co-parenting." It spoke volumes to me and that's what I'm going to do  Make him feel what it's like to be divorced 
Nemo, I've just been reading the focus on the family website. It given me a few more suggestions about what to do with my son during the week -
1. Have a workout on the Wii - We've got a step machine and we don't use, time to dust it off and get it out 
2. Have a board game night - Again, we've got plenty of board games that we need to dust off and get out 
It also mention about getting nearer to God during mealtimes. Although I won't do exactly what it says, I have been putting on a Christian radio show whilst we've been eating  It's got tons of worship songs and some of them we recognise and hopefully get my son to sing along to them 
I'm off to bed now, night everyone


----------



## Finding Nemo

I have some intersting news to share with you guys. And I want to thank you guys for being here as I am sounding off in such confusing times. One minute I have so much hope and so much success and the next I feel like I am worse off than when I started. You guys are helping to keep me sane. 

Yesterday I had about 20 different phone calls come in that were from various peole who wanted to talk to me about my husband. Remember he just started his classes and so everyone wants to know what he was like before, how he is now, how I am doing and a bunch of other stuff like that. I told you what happened with all of the stuff that newest advocate told me and the way she analyze my husband and how I didn't feel right about her. Yesterday really depresssed me because I got fed up with all of these people being in my face and everyone telling me this that and the other. So, I made a phone call today to the main person who has always been in charge of me and I told her what was going on and that I couldn't take it any more because my sitution is not like everyone else's and my husband doesn'tfit a cookie cutter mold. I asked her if I could just have one main person to talk to. One person who would talk to everyone else and then I wouldn't be so confused. She said yes, so she said someone would call me back in a little bit. 

This new person is WONDERFUL so far. I had the MOST informative conversation with her. I found so many missing answers. Do you know what it's like to eat you favorite desert after not having it for a really long time? That is how I feel right now. Now maybe I will sleep well tonight.

Something that she did for me that opened the flood gates to answers was she called the director of a program that is like my husbands only he is in another county. I am not allowed to talk to anyone other than my advocate in my county. That's why the call to the outside. The director spent the last hour and half talking to me. I told him what all has been happening over the past 5 1/2 months. How my husband just flipped into this person I don't recognize after he spent all of these other good / close times with me. I told him of the conversation that we had just before his classes started where he actually said he would come home in 9 months when his lease was up, etc. 

He told me to hold onto what ever happened before the classes. He told me to hold onto every good thing my husband has told me. He told me not analyze his apartment like everyone has been telling me to do, etc. He said those things are my real husband. Those are the things he wants. But since sitting in the classes he is having to re-live everything that has happened to him and he is now with people who are much worse off than he is and the idea of him becoming one of those people is scaring the crap out of him. He said that the first thing they talk about is self preservation -- which my husband has taken to the highest of extremes. That is why to me all of a sudden he is scared of me, asking me if we are going to fight and talking differntly to me. They are also assuming that everyone has a protection order against them and my husband is one of the few that does not. So, they are talking about things in the extreme case and my husband is taking it personal and soaking it all in.

He said to think about what my husband is going through just like when I went to my first group meeting. All of these different levels of people where there and when I would walk away in the beginning it makes you afraid of what could happen in the future. He said it depends on what my husband decides to do with this now and it will be interesting. He said give him some time and I am going to see more changes as he is dealing with his past and some of the issues that he has locked inside of him. He said he wished that my husband would have talked to me and told me what he was experiencing because that is what the program is designed to do. They want them talking about what's going on and learning to open up.

I asked what should I do because I am so confused as to where my relationship sits with my husband and without counseling there is no way for me to figure this out alone. I told him my husband says and has said he doesn't want a divorce he wants to eventually come home. But, now he's telling me stay away from me, we'll fight and I don't even have a chance in hell at this rate. I also told him what was said to me about his apartment and how I was informed by a complete stranger that I was getting a divorce. He said that had to hurt to hear and who every told me that didn't know all of the circumstances. They are assuming everyone is the same and has that restraining order which changes the ball game. He told me to keep being here. Just don't bombard him with stuff. He said to try and avoid any converstation where I expect an answer unless it absolutely requires an answer. And he said to share what's going on at his home without asking questions. ( kind of what my counselor told me interstingly enough) He said to most definity tell him that he is missed at home when we do something special that he relate to. 

Interesting thing...he told me to do some research on spouses of people who are in rehab so that I can get a better idea of how to handle some of this. 

I told him about the dating sites and the porn sites and stuff and he told me not to worry too much about those. He said he hears about it all the time because these guys feel like they have lost everything and they are lonely. I said I do worry because a couple of those he is paying money for and people do successfully get together off of them. He said once the truth starts coming out about what my husband is going through women are either going to back completely away or they are going to be so wacked out that he isn't going to want anything to do with them. I am still scared though....

I know this is long...but here's two other things and then I can tell you the rest later. He told me to go to the bank and get an application for a joint account. My husband will have to sign on the account. I ask my husband to put money into that account for me and my daughter. Small amounts as our income is spread so thin. He will have full access to the account and so will I. I will spend from that account and give him the receipts. This joins us as a family. I have control in some ways and so does he. AND he is still playing a major roll in providing for the family which seems to be an ego booster for him. ( subtle but effective....I likes very much) 

He told me that under normal circumstances I could request that his belonging be removed from the house, but as I have stated he says he doesn't want a divorce and he would like to return when his apartment runs out. Therefore he is still connected to his family and home in that statment alone and his belonging stay put leaving me responsible as his wife just as if he lives here. That part sucks!!! He said think of my husband as being in the military and he has gone away for a while. I am not suposed to remove anything from where he had it, break it, or damage anything in any way. The only thing I am allowed to do is work around the stuff. The moment he says he is not coming back that is when I can demand they be removed or I remove them myself to storage which then makes him responsible for everything. This is based off of law...and he gave me a place to look up the laws for this kind of special sitatuion. It is sad news for me and our daughter, but I guess I have to deal with it if I really want him home. I feel good about them being here, but when things start looking bad it hurts me and I feel like I am being used. 

Like I said guys...My favorite desert...I love getting answers and I love hearing the truth about stuff. Now to buckle the seat belt a little tighter because this roller coaster took me down and back up again and it took me for a loop de loop. I am preparing for what's to come next. Patience I am glad you are on this ride right along with me. I'd rather get off this ride and have ice cream or something with my family, but this will do for now.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Tron, I liked this that you wrote on the other thread - "Time to establish a new normal. Make him feel what it is like to be divorced. He is on his own. No time wandering around your house on the weekends like he lives there. No sex. Nothing but co-parenting." It spoke volumes to me and that's what I'm going to do  Make him feel what it's like to be divorced
> 
> 
> *This is exactly how I get answers out of my husband. I have to paint him the larger picture of what he has and what is going to lose. Sometimes act upon it so that he can feel it as well. Men are Mars indeed!! *
> 
> 
> Nemo, I've just been reading the focus on the family website. It given me a few more suggestions about what to do with my son during the week -
> 
> *They have a live radio show as well. I don't know if you can hear it from where you are or not. Are you familiar with the author James Dobson? He is family for writing a lot of books, but he wrote the book Tough Love. It's a great book to read. *
> I'm off to bed now, night everyone


*I am going to find some food for the bear in my belly and watch a little bit of TV with my daughter. I hope sleep come easy tonight.*


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I wish I could see your face when Tron answers this question. I know I blushed when I read it. :smthumbup:


Ohh noo !!! Please tell me that's not what he's talking about ??!! I am so clueless at times...smdh & lol.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> This is me...the fragile one...and your husband is just like my husband. He wants to wait 9 to 12 months before talking about anything or making any kind of commitments. Life doesn't work that way.
> 
> And for this same exact reason I am really questioning things in a new light today. I have to decide if my husband is playing the part of the "victim" with all of his excuses about being afraid of me, not wanting anything to do with me etc in order for me to be the to file for Divorce and that makes him look like the good guy. Oh whoa is me! Look at how fragile I am and all I did for her and she divorced me. Or does this guy really have some problems going on in his head? :scratchhead:


Don't you follow down my give up path !! You've been doing good. I understand the frustration. ..but really think about it first. I have this kinda moment at least twice a week. Yes they too have some serious problems going on in their heads. Let's focus on us though, so no matter what we're in a good place at the end of this all. Bei it good or bad.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You just feel SO DAMN GOOD Catch! What is a man to do?
> 
> In general, as a man, it is easier to last longer when we are doing it more often. As far as foreplay...that just requires a commitment to your spouse. You just need to let him know somehow in a good and understanding way what you need and expect.
> 
> Sounds like you two are pretty vanilla and don't experiment too much? Not too open? Any hang-ups? You or him? Maybe you need to dress up as a DOM and crack the :whip: on his azz. JK
> 
> The other forum could be helpful, but I have not spent any time there. I know it is a pretty active one.
> 
> Berman talks about it much better than I could. She is on Satellite Radio (Cosmo) from 10 to 12 CDT and then replays from 7 to 11 CDT. I listened to her a lot before I came here.


OM-GEEEE Tron !!!!!!! My mouth is on the floor right now !!!! Lmbo !!!! That's what he says though and expects it to fly...uhhh not !!! I mean 19 yrs almost...c'mon now...lol And he's the vanilla one...i actually think I scare him with my requests sometimes. .. i hold back on a lot of things because he acts so scary at times. He tries to on a good bit of it...the rest of it leaves me looking at a deer in headlights. Like he's thinking" wth is wrong with her crazy azz"..lol I posted on that other section earlier. .im gonna go in a few and see if there's any replies. This man can't handle all I dish or want to dish out and it's sooo frustrating at times. 
Lawd she said your reply would be a shocker and for sure it was !!...lol I sooo appreciateyou "going there" for me. Those people in the other section haven't gotten the chance to know me like you all have.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Most men have 2 hands with 5 fingers. That is a lot of digits to be gettin' busy. :rofl:
> 
> Just put em where you want 'em and make his fingers do the walking.


Lmbo !!! Im gonna have a lil fun with this idea when he gets off here in a few. Im telling ya though I scare this man... i wish he would just loosen up some and let me have my way. Dang some Vanilla ...im more neapolitan swirled with rocky road and chocolate mint..lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> OK! hem hem! back to learning my massage routine for tomorrow, lol. I did mean for college before you get any ideas, lol


I bought baby oil today and a bottle warmer..I think im gonna have a massage 101 course myself tonight. ..any tips ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> By the way Lost. You now have a heavy hitter talking to you on Bravelady's thread. Pay attention.


Tron you don't miss a beatbdo ya ??...lol im so nosey...im going to go find this thread myself.

Why can't i find this thread ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I have some intersting news to share with you guys. And I want to thank you guys for being here as I am sounding off in such confusing times. One minute I have so much hope and so much success and the next I feel like I am worse off than when I started. You guys are helping to keep me sane.
> 
> Yesterday I had about 20 different phone calls come in that were from various peole who wanted to talk to me about my husband. Remember he just started his classes and so everyone wants to know what he was like before, how he is now, how I am doing and a bunch of other stuff like that. I told you what happened with all of the stuff that newest advocate told me and the way she analyze my husband and how I didn't feel right about her. Yesterday really depresssed me because I got fed up with all of these people being in my face and everyone telling me this that and the other. So, I made a phone call today to the main person who has always been in charge of me and I told her what was going on and that I couldn't take it any more because my sitution is not like everyone else's and my husband doesn'tfit a cookie cutter mold. I asked her if I could just have one main person to talk to. One person who would talk to everyone else and then I wouldn't be so confused. She said yes, so she said someone would call me back in a little bit.
> 
> I am so proud of you for taking control of a situation that was spiralling out of control for you. It gave you some clarity and a better peace of mind about things. Now maybe you can rest a lil more , unassisted even.
> 
> This new person is WONDERFUL so far. I had the MOST informative conversation with her. I found so many missing answers. Do you know what it's like to eat you favorite desert after not having it for a really long time? That is how I feel right now. Now maybe I will sleep well tonight.
> 
> Something that she did for me that opened the flood gates to answers was she called the director of a program that is like my husbands only he is in another county. I am not allowed to talk to anyone other than my advocate in my county. That's why the call to the outside. The director spent the last hour and half talking to me. I told him what all has been happening over the past 5 1/2 months. How my husband just flipped into this person I don't recognize after he spent all of these other good / close times with me. I told him of the conversation that we had just before his classes started where he actually said he would come home in 9 months when his lease was up, etc.
> 
> He told me to hold onto what ever happened before the classes. He told me to hold onto every good thing my husband has told me. He told me not analyze his apartment like everyone has been telling me to do, etc. He said those things are my real husband. Those are the things he wants. But since sitting in the classes he is having to re-live everything that has happened to him and he is now with people who are much worse off than he is and the idea of him becoming one of those people is scaring the crap out of him. He said that the first thing they talk about is self preservation -- which my husband has taken to the highest of extremes. That is why to me all of a sudden he is scared of me, asking me if we are going to fight and talking differntly to me. They are also assuming that everyone has a protection order against them and my husband is one of the few that does not. So, they are talking about things in the extreme case and my husband is taking it personal and soaking it all in.
> 
> He said to think about what my husband is going through just like when I went to my first group meeting. All of these different levels of people where there and when I would walk away in the beginning it makes you afraid of what could happen in the future. He said it depends on what my husband decides to do with this now and it will be interesting. He said give him some time and I am going to see more changes as he is dealing with his past and some of the issues that he has locked inside of him. He said he wished that my husband would have talked to me and told me what he was experiencing because that is what the program is designed to do. They want them talking about what's going on and learning to open up.
> 
> I asked what should I do because I am so confused as to where my relationship sits with my husband and without counseling there is no way for me to figure this out alone. I told him my husband says and has said he doesn't want a divorce he wants to eventually come home. But, now he's telling me stay away from me, we'll fight and I don't even have a chance in hell at this rate. I also told him what was said to me about his apartment and how I was informed by a complete stranger that I was getting a divorce. He said that had to hurt to hear and who every told me that didn't know all of the circumstances. They are assuming everyone is the same and has that restraining order which changes the ball game. He told me to keep being here. Just don't bombard him with stuff. He said to try and avoid any converstation where I expect an answer unless it absolutely requires an answer. And he said to share what's going on at his home without asking questions. ( kind of what my counselor told me interstingly enough) He said to most definity tell him that he is missed at home when we do something special that he relate to.
> 
> Interesting thing...he told me to do some research on spouses of people who are in rehab so that I can get a better idea of how to handle some of this.
> 
> I told him about the dating sites and the porn sites and stuff and he told me not to worry too much about those. He said he hears about it all the time because these guys feel like they have lost everything and they are lonely. I said I do worry because a couple of those he is paying money for and people do successfully get together off of them. He said once the truth starts coming out about what my husband is going through women are either going to back completely away or they are going to be so wacked out that he isn't going to want anything to do with them. I am still scared though....
> 
> I know this is long...but here's two other things and then I can tell you the rest later. He told me to go to the bank and get an application for a joint account. My husband will have to sign on the account. I ask my husband to put money into that account for me and my daughter. Small amounts as our income is spread so thin. He will have full access to the account and so will I. I will spend from that account and give him the receipts. This joins us as a family. I have control in some ways and so does he. AND he is still playing a major roll in providing for the family which seems to be an ego booster for him. ( subtle but effective....I likes very much)
> 
> He told me that under normal circumstances I could request that his belonging be removed from the house, but as I have stated he says he doesn't want a divorce and he would like to return when his apartment runs out. Therefore he is still connected to his family and home in that statment alone and his belonging stay put leaving me responsible as his wife just as if he lives here. That part sucks!!! He said think of my husband as being in the military and he has gone away for a while. I am not suposed to remove anything from where he had it, break it, or damage anything in any way. The only thing I am allowed to do is work around the stuff. The moment he says he is not coming back that is when I can demand they be removed or I remove them myself to storage which then makes him responsible for everything. This is based off of law...and he gave me a place to look up the laws for this kind of special sitatuion. It is sad news for me and our daughter, but I guess I have to deal with it if I really want him home. I feel good about them being here, but when things start looking bad it hurts me and I feel like I am being used.
> 
> Like I said guys...My favorite desert...I love getting answers and I love hearing the truth about stuff. Now to buckle the seat belt a little tighter because this roller coaster took me down and back up again and it took me for a loop de loop. I am preparing for what's to come next. Patience I am glad you are on this ride right along with me. I'd rather get off this ride and have ice cream or something with my family, but this will do for now.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I bought baby oil today and a bottle warmer..I think im gonna have a massage 101 course myself tonight. ..any tips ?


Catch you make my posts about my husband and his "aromatherapy" making me all crazy look like child's play. :rofl:


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Ohh noo !!! Please tell me that's not what he's talking about ??!! I am so clueless at times...smdh & lol.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## lostwithouthim

Nemo that's great news and I'm so pleased you've finally got it sorted with all these people  catch feel free to invade the thread I'm on as well lol. I saw that tron had posted on this thread and I thought this guy gets everywhere! Lol 
As for the aromatherapy/massage trick, massage his back and creep down to his bum. Then turn him over and massage his stomach and then move your hands down if you know what I mean  he'll probably be turned in by now anyway  use a aromatherapy oil with your baby oil. Put 2-3 drops in the mix before rubbing it all over. Lol!
Anyway I've had an interesting Development . The 180 is working already and I've only been at it 2 days! H came round at 7.30 this morning! I was still in bed. My son unlocked the door for him and let him in. I got up and went downstairs. He apologised and said he thought I'd be up by now. I thought oh no now I can't log onto the computer and read the forums. 
He said that he is delaying the solicitor by a month so I can finish my college course without worrying about it. He said that he decided to delay it because I hadn't rung him on Monday to ask how his interview went. In fact I've not spoken him since Sunday and normally we're in touch every day. My suspicions are that the solicitor has told him that he needs to keep on my good side, either that or God has intervened and showed him the error of his ways. 
He asked me what I'd been up to and I said nothing much. I didn't give anything away. I talked about my son and about the girls at college. He said he might have a bath, I said in a joking way "oh will you now!" He said "or maybe not!" I didn't answer him. If he thinks that I'm going to treat him the same as I did before he went to the solicitor, then he's living in a dream world. I didn't talk to him that much as I was getting ready for college. As soon as I was ready, I went off to catch the bus. I was going to catch the earlier one because then I could come on here and talk to you guys. In case you're wondering what he was doing round my house this morning, he looks after our son whilst I go to college. Anyway I missed the bus as he was chatting about when we were younger and recorded the tapes off the radio! He was listening to his old tapes and we were reminiscing about them. I didn't let my guard down but I have to admit it was nice to have him at our house. It was good that he made the first move to contact me, 180 definitely works!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch you make my posts about my husband and his "aromatherapy" making me all crazy look like child's play. :rofl:


Girrrrrrll.....i don't play the radio when it comes to that area...lol


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## catch22gofigure

He was too tired for anything after getting off last night...so guess i'll have to save those plans for another day... Lost good to hear that he is delaying things so that you can think clearly while finishing your education. I know that will help a lot. Well getting ready for this interview in a few moments... hope this one is a winner.


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## Tron

Lost,

I think you may be reading too much into what happened this morning. 180 for you means don't engage with him. No chatting. HE IS PLANNING ON DIVORCING YOU! 

Only discuss your son and finances. That is it. It is difficult. If you two are divorced do you think you will be chatting it up every day? Do you think you will want to?

Create a new normal for him, which essentially means life without you in it (or as little as required to do the kid exchange). 

Good luck with your coursework, keep focused on that and keep working hard. You will get through this.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> OM-GEEEE Tron !!!!!!! My mouth is on the floor right now !!!! Lmbo !!!! That's what he says though and expects it to fly...uhhh not !!! I mean 19 yrs almost...c'mon now...lol And he's the vanilla one...i actually think I scare him with my requests sometimes. .. i hold back on a lot of things because he acts so scary at times. He tries to on a good bit of it...the rest of it leaves me looking at a deer in headlights. Like he's thinking" wth is wrong with her crazy azz"..lol I posted on that other section earlier. .im gonna go in a few and see if there's any replies. This man can't handle all I dish or want to dish out and it's sooo frustrating at times.
> Lawd she said your reply would be a shocker and for sure it was !!...lol I sooo appreciateyou "going there" for me. Those people in the other section haven't gotten the chance to know me like you all have.


Please be honest, how big a part does this play in what frustrates you about this marriage?


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> He was too tired for anything after getting off last night...so guess i'll have to save those plans for another day... Lost good to hear that he is delaying things so that you can think clearly while finishing your education. I know that will help a lot. Well getting ready for this interview in a few moments... hope this one is a winner.


Good luck :smthumbup:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Please be honest, how big a part does this play in what frustrates you about this marriage?


A HUGE part !!! Huge !!! Nights of frustration have led into mornings of me with a tude' that sparks his tude' and evolves into an all out fall out that neither of can remember how it started. This is BIG for me...

Trying to listen to what he says "that he doesn't have a problem" ...makes me think well shoot if there's no "problem" then either you don't care enough to do what it takes to satisfy me ALL the time, or there is someone else. I KNOW there's a problem sometimes..idc what he says. ..but I also would accept it better if he could admit it...get a pill or something. ..i can work with that. Would even be willing to do "more" just because im a helper type person. But what I did was withdraw. Leaving us both even more frustrated because im like I go 150% only to get 25% back in bed....so i'd be like ...bump it. What's the use of me even wasting my time.

He'd take it as I don't want to do it or I'm doing it elsewhere. ..when in all actuality i'd be just as frustrated as he was.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Good luck :smthumbup:


Thanks Tron. Im an hour early so just sitting here waiting until time to go in.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Lost,
> 
> I think you may be reading too much into what happened this morning. 180 for you means don't engage with him. No chatting. HE IS PLANNING ON DIVORCING YOU!
> 
> Only discuss your son and finances. That is it. It is difficult. If you two are divorced do you think you will be chatting it up every day? Do you think you will want to?
> 
> Create a new normal for him, which essentially means life without you in it (or as little as required to do the kid exchange).
> 
> Good luck with your coursework, keep focused on that and keep working hard. You will get through this.


Thanks Tron  I am trying to do a 180 on him. He was engaging more into chat than me, he kept following me about wanting to chat and calling me into the room. I was trying to keep out of his way this morning. If he hadn't have engaged me in chat then I would've made the earlier bus. I didn't have to go to college early today, but I left as soon as I could even if it meant standing at the bus stop for an extra 15 mins. I am working on 180, honest! He's already been wondering why I've not been in touch with him for 2 days and it will continue like that  I'm much better than I was last week with the no contact 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> A HUGE part !!! Huge !!! Nights of frustration have led into mornings of me with a tude' that sparks his tude' and evolves into an all out fall out that neither of can remember how it started. This is BIG for me...
> 
> Trying to listen to what he says "that he doesn't have a problem" ...makes me think well shoot if there's no "problem" then either you don't care enough to do what it takes to satisfy me ALL the time, or there is someone else. I KNOW there's a problem sometimes..idc what he says. ..but I also would accept it better if he could admit it...get a pill or something. ..i can work with that. Would even be willing to do "more" just because im a helper type person. But what I did was withdraw. Leaving us both even more frustrated because im like I go 150% only to get 25% back in bed....so i'd be like ...bump it. What's the use of me even wasting my time.
> 
> He'd take it as I don't want to do it or I'm doing it elsewhere. ..when in all actuality i'd be just as frustrated as he was.


Sexual fulfillment is a big part of who we are. If you have a partner that won't work with you, that can be extremely frustrating and will build resentment over time. 

Please bring this up in your next MC session. Maybe she can give you some tools to bring him around in an way that he will accept or hopefully welcome. 

Unfortunately I don't have any easy answers for you on this because, to some extent, we share this issue in our M's. 

Feel free to share those tools though.


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks Tron  I am trying to do a 180 on him. He was engaging more into chat than me, he kept following me about wanting to chat and calling me into the room. I was trying to keep out of his way this morning. If he hadn't have engaged me in chat then I would've made the earlier bus. I didn't have to go to college early today, but I left as soon as I could even if it meant standing at the bus stop for an extra 15 mins. I am working on 180, honest! He's already been wondering why I've not been in touch with him for 2 days and it will continue like that  I'm much better than I was last week with the no contact
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lost, This old thread was just put up on one of the other threads I follow. Give it a read. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Lost, This old thread was just put up on one of the other threads I follow. Give it a read. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


Thanks Tron  I'll give it a proper read when I get home. I'm on my mobile at the mo and it's at 20% charge, eeeek!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Sexual fulfillment is a big part of who we are. If you have a partner that won't work with you, that can be extremely frustrating and will build resentment over time.
> 
> Please bring this up in your next MC session. Maybe she can give you some tools to bring him around in an way that he will accept or hopefully welcome.
> 
> Unfortunately I don't have any easy answers for you on this because, to some extent, we share this issue in our M's.
> 
> Feel free to share those tools though.


Yes it is very important ... It parents a LOT of our issues (well on my part anyway) i know that I do have a lot of resentment because of this very thing. Ill bring it up to this IC counselor. .not sure if she'll be of any assistance though.


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## catch22gofigure

I got the job !!!!


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I got the job !!!!


AWESOME!!! WAY TO GO!!!

:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I got the job !!!!


Well done! Is it in the same town or will you still have to move?


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I got the job !!!!




This is awesome. :smthumbup:

This raises my hope. The two jobs that I really wanted and just finished going to school for turned me down today. I wanted to cry, but I will apply again and again. When they see my name over and over maybe they will get tired of me and hire me just so I won't perster them any more. :smthumbup:


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Well done! Is it in the same town or will you still have to move?


I won't have to move..the commute is about 30 min...but I still kinda want to move. Not sure which im gonna do at the moment. I have an interview in the a.m about a housing application I put in 15min outside of the city im to be working in. Im gonna go...but still on the fence. Its also closely to his job. ..so we'll see. I do have some big decisions to make about it now.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> This is awesome. :smthumbup:
> 
> This raises my hope. The two jobs that I really wanted and just finished going to school for turned me down today. I wanted to cry, but I will apply again and again. When they see my name over and over maybe they will get tired of me and hire me just so I won't perster them any more. :smthumbup:


That's the spirit don't give up. This isn't a dream job...but its a start. I'm gonna keep looking until I get where I really want.


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## catch22gofigure

Anyone heard from NotEz ??


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Anyone heard from NotEz ??


No, have you checked that she's not posting on any of the other threads?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

No ..imma go see


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## lostwithouthim

Hey you guys, how are you all doing? I'm just reading through this divorce busting book and have got to the bit that talks about doing a 180. It describes in detail how to do 180 and is very good  It gives examples of how couples have changed their routine and behaviour just by one spouse doing the 180. Have you ever felt that you're banging your head against a brick wall by keep on trying to change something in the relationship? 180 tells you to do the complete opposite. I get it now! I'm going to have loads of fun with this  hehehe 
An example they gave was one wife kept going on and on about her H not getting a job. Oh how I wish I knew about this when we were still living together! The person who wrote the book was her counsellor and told her to totally change it round and instead of nagging him to get a job, start agreeing with him that she shouldn't be pressurising him and agree with him that his depression must be bad for him not to want to work. The next bit was really good  Her counsellor told her to start leaving nursing home leaflets around the place and when he starts asking what they are all about, then tell him that you are just planning for the future, lol 
Sooooooo now I know what 180 is really all about, I'm going to start my game plan  I'm first going to start by looking through the local papers and circling houses that I can afford. I'm going to really start on the decorating and tell him that if we have to sell the house then it needs to look presentable. I'm going to completely declutter the house from top to bottom for the same reason. I still think that he's rushing into the divorce without really thinking about things. The way he sees it at the moment is that I stay here and my mum pays him off. I really doubt that's going to happen! He's living in a dreamworld.
I can say that just in case my mum doesn't give him half the house money, I need to look for alternative housing. That will make him sit up and think, I hope! Once the house is in a decent state, I'll get a valuer round to see how much it's actually worth. We had a house up the road recently sold, so at the moment I can go on what that's worth!
At the moment I can't think of anything else I can do a 180 on, I'll just have to see when he comes round. I'm looking forward to this, mwah ha ha ha ha < Evil laugh!


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## catch22gofigure

Hi Lost , so seems like the book is a really good read.


----------



## NotEZ

Im here guys. Just reading, not posting. We just aren't going to work. Too many issues on both sides.

Went from everything great in the hospital, to him telling me he spent that time thinking we should get back together to the kids and I living with my sister since sunday. Its a joke.

Anyways, I'm still checking on you girls every day. Just don't have much to say


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Im here guys. Just reading, not posting. We just aren't going to work. Too many issues on both sides.
> 
> Went from everything great in the hospital, to him telling me he spent that time thinking we should get back together to the kids and I living with my sister since sunday. Its a joke.
> 
> Anyways, I'm still checking on you girls every day. Just don't have much to say


Hey hey hey now !! (Now i'm about to handout some 2x4's !!) I knew something just wasn't right. I told you all I am such a people person ) I kinda felt it if that makes any sense... Even if things aren't going like you want them to...doesn't mean you shouldn't come to TAM. We are here for your support! !! Good or bad..happy and sad. If you felt you could ride this rollercoaster alone; you would have never come here in the first place. I'm not feeling in the best place today either. But I came here to be amongst people with my like feelings, experiences, and relations. Because I realize that my thoughts at this point in my life and marriage are not clear. I feel we're pretty non judgmental on this thread. Just supporting, advising, and learning with and for each other. I can't say it will or won't work for your marriage. I can't figure out my own shii right now. So I dare not try and advise you on what I don't really know about either. But what I do know is that you are not alone. And if you have thoughts about your situation (and you do ) then you have something you can come here and vent about it if nothing else. I understand those ..."i don't have nothing to say " days. Just don't let there be many of them. You said you still come here and read....so you are still in search of something. Just know you don't have to do it alone is all im saying. Let's help each other through these trying times.


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey hey hey now !! (Now i'm about to handout some 2x4's !!) I knew something just wasn't right. I told you all I am such a people person ) I kinda felt it if that makes any sense... Even if things aren't going like you want them to...doesn't mean you shouldn't come to TAM. We are here for your support! !! Good or bad..happy and sad. If you felt you could ride this rollercoaster alone; you would have never come here in the first place. I'm not feeling in the best place today either. But I came here to be amongst people with my like feelings, experiences, and relations. Because I realize that my thoughts at this point in my life and marriage are not clear. I feel we're pretty non judgmental on this thread. Just supporting, advising, and learning with and for each other. I can't say it will or won't work for your marriage. I can't figure out my own shii right now. So I dare not try and advise you on what I don't really know about either. But what I do know is that you are not alone. And if you have thoughts about your situation (and you do ) then you have something you can come here and vent about it if nothing else. I understand those ..."i don't have nothing to say " days. Just don't let there be many of them. You said you still come here and read....so you are still in search of something. Just know you don't have to do it alone is all im saying. Let's help each other through these trying times.


Thank you for the words and support. I will write a big long post about the situation in a bit.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey hey hey now !! (Now i'm about to handout some 2x4's !!)



Send one of those 2x4's my way? I have a husband who needs an adjustment tonight. This man of mine is sick....I mean really sick. Not sick as in sick in the head or gross. He has a chest cold and it is bad enough that the doctor thought he was having heart problems. So they sent him to the emergency at the hospital. He sends me a text and said...At the emergency room. Got to go. Which sent me into a panic of what is going on with my husband. He didn't want me to panic until he knew more about what was going on, but what did he expect sending me a text like that? He hadn't called his dad or anyone. Just told me that statement and left me hanging. This man sure knows how to get under my skin sometimes. Grr! I am so thankful that he is okay, but dang him!! I would have went to him if he had told me what hospital he was at. My FIL was making plans to come here and stay with me if necessary. And we all know how much love he has for me.  I think I will trade in the 2x4 for an 8x8. Grrr!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Well im feeling" friend zone-ish" today. Nothing in the day to day has changed. ..but he had some things to say this evening after getting off work. He did something he's never done ...well at least not in a while. He said "im proud of you..you have worked hard to find a job and are making it happen for yourself in a lot of areas right now. Now that would have been all well and good if he hadn't followed it with. " That's what I wanted to see was you get on your feet" I knew you could do it..blah blah blah...some super pep talk kinda stuff. I thanked him and followed along in the so called happy moment. But all I could notice was the "i know what your independence means to you's" and you you this and you you that. Which has unknown to him led me to feel as if he really is just letting me go easily and attempting peacefully. He has more to say. ..i can see it in his eyes...he's just trying to figure out how to spit it all out. He said ..." while at work , i've been thinking about a lot of stuff" looking for me to ask, what ? So I did... it took him a lonnnnng time to say "our son is just like me" i know him...so I know that is NOT what he wanted to say or talk about. ..he just clammed up. Him talking at all like this...is progress I must admit. Is it to my benefit? ?? Ummmm idk about that. So yes he is noticing a lot about me more...but I think it's a step forward for his plan. Not mine.
Either way im just continuing to create a better emotionally stable and sound me..


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Thank you for the words and support. I will write a big long post about the situation in a bit.


Ok:smthumbup: , take your time.. i honestly do know the feeling.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Send one of those 2x4's my way? I have a husband who needs an adjustment tonight. This man of mine is sick....I mean really sick. Not sick as in sick in the head or gross. He has a chest cold and it is bad enough that the doctor thought he was having heart problems. So they sent him to the emergency at the hospital. He sends me a text and said...At the emergency room. Got to go. Which sent me into a panic of what is going on with my husband. He didn't want me to panic until he knew more about what was going on, but what did he expect sending me a text like that? He hadn't called his dad or anyone. Just told me that statement and left me hanging. This man sure knows how to get under my skin sometimes. Grr! I am so thankful that he is okay, but dang him!! I would have went to him if he had told me what hospital he was at. My FIL was making plans to come here and stay with me if necessary. And we all know how much love he has for me.  I think I will trade in the 2x4 for an 8x8. Grrr!


It would have scared me too ! BUT....is it really his fault that YOU reacted ? He probably did it that way for a reason. He took advantage of an opportunity for you to prove. .by your reaction. Where he still stands with you. He knows what his pre separation wife would do...but is that still there. I don't think you reacted badly. However you did react, I think any of us would have. You must admit though he took control and grabbed your attention. Co dependence No more is proving to be a good informative read...(ijs , thought id throw that out there )...


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi Lost , so seems like the book is a really good read.


It is a really good book  I don't know why it's called divorce busting though as most of the book is centred around how to improve what you've already got. It'll be good for you to have a read Catch as you're just starting over again with H and it gives you some good methods on how not to make the same mistakes twice and such like


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey hey hey now !! (Now i'm about to handout some 2x4's !!) I knew something just wasn't right. I told you all I am such a people person ) I kinda felt it if that makes any sense... Even if things aren't going like you want them to...doesn't mean you shouldn't come to TAM. We are here for your support! !! Good or bad..happy and sad. If you felt you could ride this rollercoaster alone; you would have never come here in the first place. I'm not feeling in the best place today either. But I came here to be amongst people with my like feelings, experiences, and relations. Because I realize that my thoughts at this point in my life and marriage are not clear. I feel we're pretty non judgmental on this thread. Just supporting, advising, and learning with and for each other. I can't say it will or won't work for your marriage. I can't figure out my own shii right now. So I dare not try and advise you on what I don't really know about either. But what I do know is that you are not alone. And if you have thoughts about your situation (and you do ) then you have something you can come here and vent about it if nothing else. I understand those ..."i don't have nothing to say " days. Just don't let there be many of them. You said you still come here and read....so you are still in search of something. Just know you don't have to do it alone is all im saying. Let's help each other through these trying times.


I agree with Catch Notez  Just come on here and vent. Talk about your day and contact with your H. Give us your opinion on our situation and tell us some positive that's happened in your life  I think the title to this thread should've been changed several times now! lol. Do the 180 on your H, if he has someone else to look after him, then let them do it for a change! Don't pamper to his needs, he'll soon start to get curious why you haven't contacted him. There's other good tips on that list so if you haven't tried 180, then start today! It's a sort of reverse psychology  I also recommend the book divorce busting, it's the best one I've read so far


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well im feeling" friend zone-ish" today. Nothing in the day to day has changed. ..but he had some things to say this evening after getting off work. He did something he's never done ...well at least not in a while. He said "im proud of you..you have worked hard to find a job and are making it happen for yourself in a lot of areas right now. Now that would have been all well and good if he hadn't followed it with. " That's what I wanted to see was you get on your feet" I knew you could do it..blah blah blah...some super pep talk kinda stuff. I thanked him and followed along in the so called happy moment. But all I could notice was the "i know what your independence means to you's" and you you this and you you that. Which has unknown to him led me to feel as if he really is just letting me go easily and attempting peacefully. He has more to say. ..i can see it in his eyes...he's just trying to figure out how to spit it all out. He said ..." while at work , i've been thinking about a lot of stuff" looking for me to ask, what ? So I did... it took him a lonnnnng time to say "our son is just like me" i know him...so I know that is NOT what he wanted to say or talk about. ..he just clammed up. Him talking at all like this...is progress I must admit. Is it to my benefit? ?? Ummmm idk about that. So yes he is noticing a lot about me more...but I think it's a step forward for his plan. Not mine.
> Either way im just continuing to create a better emotionally stable and sound me..


Men!!!!! I ask you! They're like another species! We are supposed to be descended from Adam's rib, but surely then we should understand men shouldn't we?
My H said that I'm doing really well on my own and how much weight I've lost and how I'm starting to get out more and do a lot more. He said I'm strong enough to get through this without him. Actually I think he had a speech prepared before he came round to tell me he was divorcing me, lol. 
Is your H like Jekyll and Hyde Catch? Mine is - one minute he can be talking to me as if we were still married and living together and the next minute he goes all cold on me and brings up the D again! I think, though I may be wrong, that the devil has got a hold of him and is whispering in his ear telling him to say things. A book I read says that it's evil that breaks up a marital home and a family.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Would you all mind if i shared something I posted on another thread here ? Its sexual in nature...but may coincide with my most recent post and feelings. Be honest.. i don't mind .


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Men!!!!! I ask you! They're like another species! We are supposed to be descended from Adam's rib, but surely then we should understand men shouldn't we?
> My H said that I'm doing really well on my own and how much weight I've lost and how I'm starting to get out more and do a lot more. He said I'm strong enough to get through this without him. Actually I think he had a speech prepared before he came round to tell me he was divorcing me, lol.
> Is your H like Jekyll and Hyde Catch? Mine is - one minute he can be talking to me as if we were still married and living together and the next minute he goes all cold on me and brings up the D again! I think, though I may be wrong, that the devil has got a hold of him and is whispering in his ear telling him to say things. A book I read says that it's evil that breaks up a marital home and a family.


He's not Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde...he never mentions anything to do with the marriage. .not even the separation or divorce. As if its just gonna go away or something. Last night he mentioned that he's in a financial tight, but has a plan on how to get out of it. He's the mysterious type when it comes to his feelings on things most of the time. Leaving me in a horrible limbo and waiting on Tron to decipher it all for me...lol I just don't know with this dude. But something is up. What idk...but something.


----------



## Tron

Let 'er rip. You know I'm not squeamish.

Please don't make me go dig up your other thread.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Let 'er rip. You know I'm not squeamish.
> 
> Please don't make me go dig up your other thread.


Ok..here goes...


----------



## catch22gofigure

Sorry it took so long, he asked me to pack his lunch right when I was about to post it...here goes. Its the whole post quote and all.




salamander said:


> When faced with powerless situations, I start studying Chopra's "The Law of Detachment". The Law of Detachment | The Chopra Center
> 
> So, recently, H and I talked about his increasing ED. (The PE has been since day one, off and on, with awesome streaks and very disappointing streaks. He has Average to High Drive.) And I told him I love and accept him even when he can't get it up.
> 
> then I proved it to him by humping him like a pillow, and cumming on his non-erect penis.
> 
> It sounds bizarre, and maybe TMI or even gross. But it's not. It's love. And now he believes me. Even when he can't get it up, he can still sexually and emotionally satisfy me.


Now that idea I like !! He let me know that he's been checking his blood pressure frequently at work and its been a little high. He won't go to the dr...blames it on th high temps outside. ...but maybe this is the most recent culprit. It attempts to get up....just not a rock solid up. Kinda flimpsy up... Im not sure what his deal has been so for the last couple of days i haven't initiated. Those same last couple of days he's been kinda acting as if he wants to..but can't or something. Lots of spooning while napping and sleeping. Much more than we ever have in a lonnnggg while. A lot of trying to hold me tight while spooning. .but no real "action". I dont understand and have been known to give him the to heck with it attitude. Something I don't want to do anymore as Im trying to change my bad habits. Should I initiate? He's acting like he did back when he was on the Afib meds. That wouldn't dare allow him even a 2% hardness. Im confused and this is so important to me . Just looking for some hard-core advice.


----------



## catch22gofigure

With his actions for the last two days (Since I got hired) ....his blood pressure (per his convo ) has been up. Now this is just me putting two and two together. Do you all remember me telling you all waaaay back that people say he is intimidated by my strong personality. His iskinda strong too...just not as strong as mine. When i'm down im down. But when im up....i'm up. Here comes now the opportunity for me to leave this city and possibly excel. Maybe this is it. I also got put on the waiting list yesterday for affordable housing in this city too. My appt for that was yesterday. Or maybe (yes it's still in my mind ) that there is a OW. As i AM typing this post. He was in the store. ..apparently he realized his phone was in the car with me...and he came and got it. Claiming that he needs to call his carpool driver and tell him he's running late. (Yeah I know ,he is in the store stuck in line ) BUT he's been almost late for pick up before and not rushed to call that man. I think he just realized I was alone in this car with that phone. ...


----------



## catch22gofigure

Its like he says he wants me happy and working. ..but thats not what he really wants. We go through stuff EVERYTIME i go to work somewhere. He knows we need the money...buttt where I am going to work there are many men of our ethnicity working there something that doesn't sit well with him either. So again im confused


----------



## Tron

HBP and ED, huh? Has he ever tried Cialis or Viagra? Maybe your GP can get you a sample or two.

Low testosterone and ED is a tough thing for men to deal with, especially if they are the type to not go see a doctor. It is something I suspect you have to tiptoe around sexually and work hard to compensate in other areas. 

If you are high drive and kinky then I can see where he might start worrying about what you are doing possibly outside the marriage. Because if he can't satisfy you sexually because of ED, then yeah he is half a man and worried you are going to go looking for it somewhere else. 

No confusion here, he is in a CATCH22 situation. Needs the money, but afraid that by working with lots of other people (MEN) you are going to go out searching for sexual fulfillment elsewhere. 

And if you are volatile, like you have been then you just kicked up his stress level and HBP another notch. He is concerned that you are going to leave him at any time. Wondering when the bottom falls out of the marriage because you found a new man that will do for you what he can't. Does that sound about right? 

I don't have any of those issues, so I cannot really give you any real life personal experience. But that is my take.

Anything else specific you want to ask?


----------



## lostwithouthim

Catch and Tron, make sure that viagra or something similar agree with his high blood pressure first. I'm not sure if you said he's on tablets or not for his high blood pressure, but my H is and he had to switch tablets because he had ED. My H has a high libido and my low libido certainly didn't complement this! However since coming off the mini pill, my libido is a lot better 
The point is, the ED is his bodies way of coping with HPB. If he did have an E or got to an Orgasmic state then he could be seriously ill. At the best he could have a mild heart attack, at the worst he could have major heart attack or a stroke. 
My H has had high blood pressure for years now and it has gone down a lot with exercise and a balanced diet. 
Have you spoken to him about this? This is one of the times where you could do what it says in divorce busting and say the total opposite to what you've been saying.
If you've bee nattering him to go to the dr, then stop nattering him. Say to him that you understand him problem and it's to do with his blood pressure. Start leaving emergency contact details of your local hospital in a place where he will see it, along with a map if you don't know how to get there. If he asks why then tell him that it's just in case he gets seriously ill with his HBP. Don't say anymore! Get yourself a sex toy and ask him to use this on you. When he sees how much fun you are having without him, then I'm sure with the emergency contact number and the toy he'll be down the docs straight away! It's a really good technique that she says in the book and she gives examples of how it works for other couples. Have a think about it and see if you can come up with anything better  It's called uncommon sense technique and is similar to reverse psychology.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> HBP and ED, huh? Has he ever tried Cialis or Viagra? Maybe your GP can get you a sample or two.
> 
> Low testosterone and ED is a tough thing for men to deal with, especially if they are the type to not go see a doctor. It is something I suspect you have to tiptoe around sexually and work hard to compensate in other areas.
> 
> If you are high drive and kinky then I can see where he might start worrying about what you are doing possibly outside the marriage. Because if he can't satisfy you sexually because of ED, then yeah he is half a man and worried you are going to go looking for it somewhere else.
> 
> No confusion here, he is in a CATCH22 situation. Needs the money, but afraid that by working with lots of other people (MEN) you are going to go out searching for sexual fulfillment elsewhere.
> 
> And if you are volatile, like you have been then you just kicked up his stress level and HBP another notch. He is concerned that you are going to leave him at any time. Wondering when the bottom falls out of the marriage because you found a new man that will do for you what he can't. Does that sound about right?
> 
> I don't have any of those issues, so I cannot really give you any real life personal experience. But that is my take.
> 
> Anything else specific you want to ask?


What can I do outside of what i'm doing to relay to him that that's not and has never be something he should worry about? He can't get meds because he refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem in this area. He'll try to do "it" anyway and just say that ..."it's just too good " or things like that ,that put the blame back on me. Other "things" I do to him or say to him that makes him "spill over" too soon. It's either not "firm" enough or super firm "but spills over" too fast.. i rarely get the best of both worlds. And yes, I am that word that you said I am...lol I told you I think I scare him. If I "talk" (which I love to do ) it causes a "spill over". Then there is this thing that's going on now with us...like he wants to but can't ...if this is a health related issue. I need to know. I mean technically we are not together. So this makes me feel like he's withdrawing for some reason. Adding to my "issues" I am working on already. It makes me feel unwanted so to speak. Which in the past caused me to withdraw as well. Uggghhh !!! I'm beginning to think all of this is a little too much work. Yes, I must admit. ..i have my options too. I just don't want to possibly miss my train while waiting on a bus that ain't coming.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes, I must admit. ..i have my options too. I just don't want to possibly miss my train while waiting on a bus that ain't coming.


And he knows it. He thinks about it every day and this doesn't help his BP, ED or libido at all.

His options may be more limited than you think. A man who can't get it up, has 3 or 4 kids and no money cause he sends half of it to his hot-headed, bat$hit crazy ex-wife. just kidding about the bat$hit crazy


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch and Tron, make sure that viagra or something similar agree with his high blood pressure first. I'm not sure if you said he's on tablets or not for his high blood pressure, but my H is and he had to switch tablets because he had ED. My H has a high libido and my low libido certainly didn't complement this! However since coming off the mini pill, my libido is a lot better
> The point is, the ED is his bodies way of coping with HPB. If he did have an E or got to an Orgasmic state then he could be seriously ill. At the best he could have a mild heart attack, at the worst he could have major heart attack or a stroke.
> My H has had high blood pressure for years now and it has gone down a lot with exercise and a balanced diet.
> Have you spoken to him about this? This is one of the times where you could do what it says in divorce busting and say the total opposite to what you've been saying.
> If you've bee nattering him to go to the dr, then stop nattering him. Say to him that you understand him problem and it's to do with his blood pressure. Start leaving emergency contact details of your local hospital in a place where he will see it, along with a map if you don't know how to get there. If he asks why then tell him that it's just in case he gets seriously ill with his HBP. Don't say anymore! Get yourself a sex toy and ask him to use this on you. When he sees how much fun you are having without him, then I'm sure with the emergency contact number and the toy he'll be down the docs straight away! It's a really good technique that she says in the book and she gives examples of how it works for other couples. Have a think about it and see if you can come up with anything better  It's called uncommon sense technique and is similar to reverse psychology.


Trust me Lost, I'm only mentioning this as a last resort. All of this i've tried. He is vanilla so with the toys thing...he'll watch me with them, but dare not use them with me in that matter. Im not a nagger at all. Volatile in the past yes, nagger no. Over the years i've done my share of reading up on male behaviors, likes and dislikes. As I have no brothers and no father to learn from. So i knew early on men hate a nagger. Remember im the one who he'd get mad at because i'd do things myself. I'll ask once..maybe twice after that I either do it myself or pay someone to (he hates that ).My education is in healthcare. Remember i told you ive completed the LPN program minus taking the boards. So i do understand that HBP affects men sexually. That's why i'm asking do you all think these new actions he's showing is another failed attempt to hide that there is a problem. Its only been like 3 days since we were intimate. .but it's driving me mad !! I can't tell if it's my new job, the possibility that im leaving town, or HBP and/or ED ? Today he started back with the smacks on my bottom...and it made me feel like why tease me if your not gonna please me. To me there's a big difference in not being able to and not wanting to. One I can deal with and welcome the challenge of out of love for him. The other makes me feel like...move on and have a go at all these options.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Trust me Lost, I'm only mentioning this as a last resort. All of this i've tried. He is vanilla so with the toys thing...he'll watch me with them, but dare not use them with me in that matter. Im not a nagger at all. Volatile in the past yes, nagger no. My education is in healthcare. Remember i told you ive completed the LPN program minus taking the boards. So i do understand that HBP affects men sexually. That's why i'm asking do you all think these new actions he's showing is another failed attempt to hide that there is a problem. Its only been like 3 days since we were intimate. .but it's driving me mad !! I can't tell if it's my new job, the possibility that im leaving town, or HBP and/or ED ? Today he started back with the smacks on my bottom...and it made me feel like why tease me if your not gonna please me. To me there's a big difference in not being able to and not wanting to. One I can deal with and welcome the challenge of out of love for him. The other makes me feel like...move on and have a go at all these options.


What do you say when he smacks you on the bottom like that?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What do you say when he smacks you on the bottom like that?


I just smile at him..shoot idk i was supposed to say something


----------



## catch22gofigure

Hey also i've noticed (he wears a bald head ) has greyed A LOT ! He's been too tired to shave this week and I caught a glimpse. The top is not growing back at all and the back is grey !! Do u think all of this could be some kinda mid life stuff too ? Idk why im all over the place analyzing today all cause I need some good "@#%!! ...im just pitiful, i know


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## Tron

Did I say crazy? I meant kinky. Damn that spell check.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I just smile at him..shoot idk i was supposed to say something


"You want a piece of that...let's go big boy."

"You wanna do that without the jeans on...baby"

"Ooooooo harder...please" "don't make me beg"

"A little lower and you hit the jackpot"

C'mon Catch you can do it... Does he like it when you tease him? Maybe that is what he needs to get going.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey also i've noticed (he wears a bald head ) has greyed A LOT ! He's been too tired to shave this week and I caught a glimpse. The top is not growing back at all and the back is grey !! Do u think all of this could be some kinda mid life stuff too ? Idk why im all over the place analyzing today all cause I need some good "@#%!! ...im just pitiful, i know


My H has been going grey and balding for years! He reckons it's living with me that's done it, lol. I wouldn't worry about asking yourself is it me as it sounds to me as if he's got a lot of health problems going on. I know it's hard not to get paranoid as you've only just started living together again, but your IC should help you with this  Wouldn't you rather he orgasm early than not at all? something is better than nothing, then you can play with your toys, lol.
I'll send you a pm with a trick that I've been taught and I'm too embarassed to write it on here, lol.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Did I say crazy? I meant kinky. Damn that spell check.


Lol , so you slick trying to call me crazy Tron ?? Yeah, there's a few loose screws. But i have enough sense to know my level of kinkness needs to be addressed. Or he and i have an even bigger problem.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> "You want a piece of that...let's go big boy."
> 
> "You wanna do that without the jeans on...baby"
> 
> "Ooooooo harder...please"


Ohhhh, well shoot idk, i'll be ready next time... lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> "You want a piece of that...let's go big boy."
> 
> "You wanna do that without the jeans on...baby"
> 
> "Ooooooo harder...please" "don't make me beg"
> 
> "A little lower and you hit the jackpot"
> 
> C'mon Catch you can do it... Does he like it when you tease him? Maybe that is what he needs to get going.


Idk if he does or not...he's so vanilla...yet swears he's a freak...(so sad ). I was thinking about having a bubble bath drawn with candles lit when he gets off. But im scared to... cause if he rejects me...or the moment, i cant promise I won't react.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> My H has been going grey and balding for years! He reckons it's living with me that's done it, lol. I wouldn't worry about asking yourself is it me as it sounds to me as if he's got a lot of health problems going on. I know it's hard not to get paranoid as you've only just started living together again, but your IC should help you with this  Wouldn't you rather he orgasm early than not at all? something is better than nothing, then you can play with your toys, lol.
> I'll send you a pm with a trick that I've been taught and I'm too embarassed to write it on here, lol.


We aren't living together again Lost...i'm merely visiting. I haven't agreed to move in yet. Even though i haven't stayed at my house in a week. Send that PM on girl...I can't wait to see this one !! Don't be ashamed to share herr though. Well idk everyone isn't as open about it as myself, i know....


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Lol , so you slick trying to call me crazy Tron ?? Yeah, there's a few loose screws. But i have enough sense to know my level of kinkness needs to be addressed. Or he and i have an even bigger problem.


Addressed? You are who you are and like what you like. Within the context of marriage, it's all fair game IMO. And if that is what gets my W's motor to purr, as a man, I am going to try and help out. With ED and some of those problems, the psychology is a little different. Maybe IC can help you there. IDK


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Idk if he does or not...he's so vanilla...yet swears he's a freak...(so sad ). I was thinking about having a bubble bath drawn with candles lit when he gets off. But im scared to... cause if he rejects me...or the moment, i cant promise I won't react.


Maybe get in right before he enters the bath room, that way there isn't any pressure.


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> I'll send you a pm with a trick that I've been taught and I'm too embarassed to write it on here, lol.


Now I feel all left out


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Wouldn't you rather he orgasm early than not at all? something is better than nothing, then you can play with your toys, lol.


Uhhh no ma'am...lol I need the real deal holyfield for the most part. I want to enjoy toys together. ..not just so I can be satisfied. I can do that without a man. This is meneeding to enjoy some of the benefits of being married. Ya see, there have been times when I have been treated like a woman guilty of cheating because of his shortcomings. Thats not fair and makes me feel like maybe im being accused because of what you may be doing. Though i dont always think that's tje case I feel like, if you worried about that then do what ya gotta do as my H and thatll get rid of that thought. Orrrrrr admit theres a health issue and we can work through it better.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Now I feel all left out


How do you think I feel tron with only myself here and you two going on about sex, lol.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Maybe get in right before he enters the bath room, that way there isn't any pressure.


Both our big AZZes ain't go fit in there together...lol See i offered a full body massage last night...his answer" im alright baby" So that really is why im a lil unsure to offer his "so macho" behind anything else.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Both our big AZZes ain't go fit in there together...lol See i offered a full body massage last night...his answer" im alright baby" So that really is why im a lil unsure to offer his "so macho" behind anything else.


Whoops. Not everyone has my big jacuzzi tub, I guess.

Don't ask just do it!


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> How do you think I feel tron with only myself here and you two going on about sex, lol.


I may not know how you feel...but I have a tip for you to get rid of that feeling fast. ..lol that's another thing... i purposely try not to "take care of myself" alone. ..trying to give him the chance to do it for me...#epicfail


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Though i dont always think that's tje case I feel like, if you worried about that then do what ya gotta do as my H and thatll get rid of that thought. Orrrrrr admit theres a health issue and we can work through it better.


Now this is where you need to be focused IMO. Have you actually said this to him...or just thinking it? 

We men can't read your mind honey!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Whoops. Not everyone has my big jacuzzi tub, I guess.
> 
> Don't ask just do it!


We have a garden tub at my home...but this lil azz apt..had a lil azz tu ....lmbo !!
So you say I should just go ahead and do it ? And if he say something slick like uhhh i really just wanted to shower baby...then what ? Cause imma tell ya now. He may just get smacked...jk


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Now this is where you need to be focused IMO. Have you actually said this to him...or just thinking it?
> 
> We men can't read your mind honey!


Oh ive said it before...last time was probably about a yr ago.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> We have a garden tub at my home...but this lil azz apt..had a lil azz tu ....lmbo !!
> So you say I should just go ahead and do it ? And if he say something slick like uhhh i really just wanted to shower baby...then what ? Cause imma tell ya now. He may just get smacked...jk


Then get in the shower with him and smack him there.

And that sounds oh soooooo goooooood. :FIREdevil:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Now I feel all left out


My my my...and it was juicy too. You'd be surprised at Lost Tron...really surprised :smthumbup:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Then get in the shower with him and smack him there.
> 
> And that sounds oh soooooo goooooood. :FIREdevil:


Awww , I love it !!!! Game on !!


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> My my my...and it was juicy too. You'd be surprised at Lost Tron...really surprised :smthumbup:


OK now I am feeling just a bit resentful cause I am givin all this good love advice and gettin nuthin in return. 

All of you know how it feels not to have your needs met, how can you do this to me????


----------



## Tron

Gotta run ladies. It was fun.

Got a hot date tonight with the old ball and chain.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> My my my...and it was juicy too. You'd be surprised at Lost Tron...really surprised :smthumbup:


lol Catch, that's what everyone says to me. I feel like you know me already now catch, lol. They say that the quiet ones are the worst


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> OK now I am feeling just a bit resentful cause I am givin all this good love advice and gettin nuthin in return.
> 
> All of you know how it feels not to have your needs met, how can you do this to me????


Well see now im gonna blame shift and put it on Lost. I don't mind saying it out here...no shame in my game....lol SHE the one that chose to PM...lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> OK now I am feeling just a bit resentful cause I am givin all this good love advice and gettin nuthin in return.
> 
> All of you know how it feels not to have your needs met, how can you do this to me????


How can I ever make it up to you. ..lawd knows i don't want you to be resenting nothing. I need you and all your good advice. .


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Gotta run ladies. It was fun.
> 
> Got a hot date tonight with the old ball and chain.


Alright! ! Have fun you and Mrs.Tron...hopefully she'll reap the benefit of our "offbeat" convo today !!


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> lol Catch, that's what everyone says to me. I feel like you know me already now catch, lol. They say that the quiet ones are the worst


Yes the quiet ones are the worst...except in my H case...he so dang vanilla


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> How can I ever make it up to you. ..lawd knows i don't want you to be resenting nothing. I need you and all your good advice. .


I don't mind you pming Tron and telling him. I just get embarrassed talking about sex in front of a bloke, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes the quiet ones are the worst...except in my H case...he so dang vanilla


Aha! Now there's a cultural difference! We don't use the word vanilla, except in ice cream, lol. I'm guessing it means straight or stiff or or whatever, lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I don't mind you pming Tron and telling him. I just get embarrassed talking about sex in front of a bloke, lol


 What is a bloke ? Lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

I'm off to bed now, I can hardly keep my eyes open, night


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Aha! Now there's a cultural difference! We don't use the word vanilla, except in ice cream, lol. I'm guessing it means straight or stiff or or whatever, lol


It means like normal to me. I've seen it used here a lot. But to me it means simple, plain, easily accepted. Status quo so to speak. Me though intimately. ..im anything but. I have been forced to be for years from time to time because that's how he is. It embarrasses me to try or want to try new things and get ignored or shot down because he is bashful about stuff...sooo frustrating.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm off to bed now, I can hardly keep my eyes open, night


Night night !!:sleeping:


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Night night !!:sleeping:




Night. Night. Sweet dreams. :sleeping:


----------



## Finding Nemo

WOW! I am not ever sure I should create another post until it cools down in here a bit. LOL. :rofl: I just came here minding my own business and BOOM! my eyes got wide and I had to go back a couple of pages to make sure I was on the right board. This is so awesome that you guys feel secure enough to discuss this kind of stuff. I wish I had my husband to even just simply talk to. Poor sad Nemo. 

I just came here to tell you guys about the job interviews I had today. The lady said that she wanted to conduct an interview and then if I passed that one someone would call me in a couple of days to do another one. Well, I passed the first one and she said hold on I am getting someone else on the line so we can do the second interview. Then when she was finished she asked me to hold the line while a third person got on the phone. So. I think I did okay being that at first they were going to call me back and instead did the interviews one right after another. Now comes the tricky part. The district manager is going to talk to me on Monday or Tuesday via Skype and she will be the one to decide my fate. This job is an interesting combination of three jobs I have held in the past. I haven't told anyone else about the interviews because if I get shut down I am going to be sooooo sad. I want this soooo badly. To be doing something similar to what I right now, something I am really familiar with only more pay and guaranteed hours. What a huge difference that will make in my life. You guys please pray for me? Cross your fingers and anything else you can think of. I really, really need this.


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## catch22gofigure

Lol girrrl it went down while you were away... me and my dilemas , I tell ya. That was one i've been holding back on sharing. Just in my reading and learning i'm slowly uncovering some "stuff" that i've suppressed with resentment. So boom !! I dropped a bomb on the thread. I have found that i truly have resentment and anxieties brought on by this "issue" we have come up in the marriage from time to time...I couldn't dare share it with the one cousin/friend that I talk to, I don't feel the IC is equipped to handle that kinda stuff...so I came to my virtual friends with it...lol


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## catch22gofigure

I do send prayers your way that you get the job. Nothing like being able to make your own money. Claim it as yours !! Sending all positive vibes and claiming the job as yours. What God has for you is for you and nothing can stop it. That is what I have to keep telling myself.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Lol girrrl it went down while you were away... me and my dilemas , I tell ya. That was one i've been holding back on sharing. Just in my reading and learning i'm slowly uncovering some "stuff" that i've suppressed with resentment. So boom !! I dropped a bomb on the thread. I have found that i truly have resentment and anxieties brought on by this "issue" we have come up in the marriage from time to time...I couldn't dare share it with the one cousin/friend that I talk to, I don't feel the IC is equipped to handle that kinda stuff...so I came to my virtual friends with it...lol



When I came on line I was like...Whoa! Maybe I was on the wrong page or something. But, I am so glad you got this out into the open. As I told you guys, last year I found a secret email account that my husband had been using and it was for dating and porn sites. We had the most amazing talk that came out of that mess and we created the most amazing memories because I was able to figure out a way to "Fuel" what my husband was missing. Now I sit here and say...Why are we wasting time? He's over there at his place missing me and dreaming up all of these fantasies. I am over here missing him and dreaming up all of these fantasies. What a waste of time. Sigh...He once told me not to use up my "tool box' all at one time and I laughed. He had no idea what was in my tool box before...let alone what's in there now. If we ever get together again...boy isn't going to know what hit him after me hanging out with the lot of your guys. I just might "Freak" him out beyond his recognition of the old me. I might even have to change my name to Found Nemo and Freaked Him Out. LOL. :rofl:


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> When I came on line I was like...Whoa! Maybe I was on the wrong page or something. But, I am so glad you got this out into the open. As I told you guys, last year I found a secret email account that my husband had been using and it was for dating and porn sites. We had the most amazing talk that came out of that mess and we created the most amazing memories because I was able to figure out a way to "Fuel" what my husband was missing. Now I sit here and say...Why are we wasting time? He's over there at his place missing me and dreaming up all of these fantasies. I am over here missing him and dreaming up all of these fantasies. What a waste of time. Sigh...He once told me not to use up my "tool box' all at one time and I laughed. He had no idea what was in my tool box before...let alone what's in there now. If we ever get together again...boy isn't going to know what hit him after me hanging out with the lot of your guys. I just might "Freak" him out beyond his recognition of the old me. I might even have to change my name to Found Nemo and Freaked Him Out. LOL. :rofl:


Lol "All is fair in love and war"...I'd get kicked off the forum if I went any further ... lol At least your H is game. Mine has his days...I need those days every day...just ain happenin'. I know the routine oh so well amd really beginning to think it is a underlying health issue. He has alcohol tonight. ..it never takes getting drunk to make for a good night and he has a high tolerance. I think a night cap with a higg enough alcohol content level is what's been enough to thin his blood to allow a good "stand up" show...we'll see shortly because im not taking no for a answer tonight. ..lol
I guess I don't have to mention that this is another deal breaker...not because there is an issue ; but finding a resolution to the issue is a must.


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## Finding Nemo

I am so anxious for Monday to come. I have mentioned before that we used to see a counselor who was a no B.S. get your crap together kind of counselor. I have been thinking about the IC I have right now. It sucks to go and pay him money for him to say, Hmmm. This is a tough one. And I walk away no better than I was before I paid him a hundred dollars. Where I know that she would be all over this with books, information, homework...you name it, she wouldn't just sit there. I have access to a fund that would help me to be able to pay her so that I can see her again. I talked to her a little bit earlier today and she knows how to get access to that fund for me. It might take a couple of weeks to get going, but she said she would help me get it going. I am soooo happy that she is going to be on my team again. Not sure how my husband is going to react to this, but I don't really care right now. Some times you have to bring in the heavy hitters and right now I feel like she is the one who is going to help bring about a lot of changes for me. Tomorrow I am supposed to see the advocate that I saw last week. I wish I didn't have to deal with her because she makes my head spin and not in a good way. Good luck tonight Catch.:rofl:


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> It means like normal to me. I've seen it used here a lot. But to me it means simple, plain, easily accepted. Status quo so to speak. Me though intimately. ..im anything but. I have been forced to be for years from time to time because that's how he is. It embarrasses me to try or want to try new things and get ignored or shot down because he is bashful about stuff...sooo frustrating.


My H is like you and I'm more like your H. My H used to get frustrated with me for not wanting to try playing with toys, although I was the one who told him about the mints  There you go Tron, now use your imagination, lol. That is as far as I will go with the mints, lol.
The way I see it though, my H married me knowing that I didn't like to experiment. So there must be something there besides satisfying each other in bed  Maybe he thought he could change me, IDK :/


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> WOW! I am not ever sure I should create another post until it cools down in here a bit. LOL. :rofl: I just came here minding my own business and BOOM! my eyes got wide and I had to go back a couple of pages to make sure I was on the right board. This is so awesome that you guys feel secure enough to discuss this kind of stuff. I wish I had my husband to even just simply talk to. Poor sad Nemo.
> 
> What a huge difference that will make in my life. You guys please pray for me? Cross your fingers and anything else you can think of. I really, really need this.


You and me both Nemo  I was getting more frustrated writing about sex when I didn't have anyone else here as well, lol. 
Good luck with your job, I hope you get it  I'll pray for you


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I am so anxious for Monday to come. I have mentioned before that we used to see a counselor who was a no B.S. get your crap together kind of counselor. I have been thinking about the IC I have right now. It sucks to go and pay him money for him to say, Hmmm. This is a tough one. And I walk away no better than I was before I paid him a hundred dollars. Where I know that she would be all over this with books, information, homework...you name it, she wouldn't just sit there. I have access to a fund that would help me to be able to pay her so that I can see her again. I talked to her a little bit earlier today and she knows how to get access to that fund for me. It might take a couple of weeks to get going, but she said she would help me get it going. I am soooo happy that she is going to be on my team again. Not sure how my husband is going to react to this, but I don't really care right now. Some times you have to bring in the heavy hitters and right now I feel like she is the one who is going to help bring about a lot of changes for me. Tomorrow I am supposed to see the advocate that I saw last week. I wish I didn't have to deal with her because she makes my head spin and not in a good way. Good luck tonight Catch.:rofl:


It's a shame that you're having to see both a counsellor and an advocate as it is confusing when you see two people and they have conflicting views. My life coach is more optimistic than my counsellor even though they are both Christian and should be reading from the same hymn sheet, pardon the pun, lol


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> What is a bloke ? Lol


Are you joking or do you really not know what a bloke is? lol. A bloke is a nickname for a man over here, it's not a swear word so don't worry Tron, lol


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## Tron

Oh, I know what a bloke is. No offense here. 

I lived in Scotland for a little while...and my W watches Eastenders.


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## lostwithouthim

Got up this morning to a message from H this morning saying "morning i'll be round at 2..30 today". Totally different tone of voice to the one he used yesterday on the phone to me, looks like he's gone cold on me again. and changed into My Hyde, lol.
I can't really talk to him about the house today as he'll be picking my son up from our Church fete and then going back to his flat/apt. I'll may get a chance tomorrow when he drops my son off, we'll have to see 
feel like my heart is in the pit of my stomach today, I was ok until I got that text. I'm not being hopeful that he will change his mind, but if he wants to be "best friends" with me then he's going the wrong way about it!


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Oh, I know what a bloke is. No offense here.
> 
> I lived in Scotland for a little while...and my W watches Eastenders.


You get Eastenders over there? lol. I bet that totally confuses the Americans with the slang that they use or do they have subtitles? lol.


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## Tron

I think i know where you are going now Lost. 

Swishing with a little minty fresh mouthwash beforehand does the trick too. 

I don't recommend Listerine unless you like the idea of slathering BenGay all over your, ummm...privates. Not for the faint of heart, or folks with a low pain tolerance.


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## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> You get Eastenders over there? lol. I bet that totally confuses the Americans with the slang that they use or do they have subtitles? lol.


It certainly takes a little watching to decipher.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> I think i know where you are going now Lost.
> 
> Swishing with a little minty fresh mouthwash beforehand does the trick too.
> 
> I don't recommend Listerine unless you like the idea of slathering BenGay all over your, ummm...privates. Not for the faint of heart, or folks with a low pain tolerance.


errrr no Tron, try extra strong mints instead, lol. The female pops one in her mouth before performing oral. There! now you've made me all embarrassed, lol


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## lostwithouthim

That H of mine is really p****ing me off at the mo! He rang up to tell me he's going to have to sell one of his consoles as he's skint/broke/short of money and can I break the news to my son. He even had the cheek to ask if I'd lend him some money. I said you want a D and then you want to borrow some money. He said that that's what ex partners do when they D, they stay friends and help each other out! The man is living in a fantasy land. He said that I'm making out like D is a big thing :rofl: I said it is a big thing! 
I also approach the subject of having to sell this house. He still is convinced that my mum is going to put up half the money so I can buy him out :rofl: I tell you, that man is going to have a short sharp shock coming his way when it's not going to go to plan!
I decided to mention all this about D on the phone to him as he wound me up by saying that I'd get more benefits once we're D.
He said he didn't ring me up for an argument, so I said well why did you mention D then? He apologised for upsetting me and told me to cheer up. He must've apologised about 5 times on the phone, he wants me to stay friends with him, but I don't think that will happen!
BTW, I'm still hoping that God is going to intervene before we get to the decree nisi stage or show my H the error of his ways. God can't interfere with free will though  I don't want all this aggro!
The local paper has just come, time to start circling some houses, hehehe


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## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> errrr no Tron, try extra strong mints instead, lol. The female pops one in her mouth before performing oral. There! now you've made me all embarrassed, lol


Never been on the receiving end of that little trick. Hmmm.


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## Tron

Friends? Uhhhh no. Try again jerkoff.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I am so anxious for Monday to come. I have mentioned before that we used to see a counselor who was a no B.S. get your crap together kind of counselor. I have been thinking about the IC I have right now. It sucks to go and pay him money for him to say, Hmmm. This is a tough one. And I walk away no better than I was before I paid him a hundred dollars. Where I know that she would be all over this with books, information, homework...you name it, she wouldn't just sit there. I have access to a fund that would help me to be able to pay her so that I can see her again. I talked to her a little bit earlier today and she knows how to get access to that fund for me. It might take a couple of weeks to get going, but she said she would help me get it going. I am soooo happy that she is going to be on my team again. Not sure how my husband is going to react to this, but I don't really care right now. Some times you have to bring in the heavy hitters and right now I feel like she is the one who is going to help bring about a lot of changes for me. Tomorrow I am supposed to see the advocate that I saw last week. I wish I didn't have to deal with her because she makes my head spin and not in a good way. Good luck tonight Catch.:rofl:


Yaay !! Share whatever you learn from the heavy hitter...im still in search of a new one. My H insurance is effective now..so i can get the ball rolling.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> My H is like you and I'm more like your H. My H used to get frustrated with me for not wanting to try playing with toys, although I was the one who told him about the mints  There you go Tron, now use your imagination, lol. That is as far as I will go with the mints, lol.
> The way I see it though, my H married me knowing that I didn't like to experiment. So there must be something there besides satisfying each other in bed  Maybe he thought he could change me, IDK :/


I have my moments when im not as motivated...but unfortunately those are few and far between. Stress, good or bad kicks it in gear. Money in my pocket kicks it in gear....i often wish i could turn it off...but im a Leo. So...hey I was born to be wild...lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Are you joking or do you really not know what a bloke is? lol. A bloke is a nickname for a man over here, it's not a swear word so don't worry Tron, lol


I honestly didn't know...lol Thats was a first for me


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Got up this morning to a message from H this morning saying "morning i'll be round at 2..30 today". Totally different tone of voice to the one he used yesterday on the phone to me, looks like he's gone cold on me again. and changed into My Hyde, lol.
> I can't really talk to him about the house today as he'll be picking my son up from our Church fete and then going back to his flat/apt. I'll may get a chance tomorrow when he drops my son off, we'll have to see
> feel like my heart is in the pit of my stomach today, I was ok until I got that text. I'm not being hopeful that he will change his mind, but if he wants to be "best friends" with me then he's going the wrong way about it!


What do you have to talk to him about ? What happened to upset you about that text ?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I think i know where you are going now Lost.
> 
> Swishing with a little minty fresh mouthwash beforehand does the trick too.
> 
> I don't recommend Listerine unless you like the idea of slathering BenGay all over your, ummm...privates. Not for the faint of heart, or folks with a low pain tolerance.


Tron she has other tips for what to do with mints....i got a T Shirt for that one...but I think I may want to revisit that amusement park...lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> errrr no Tron, try extra strong mints instead, lol. The female pops one in her mouth before performing oral. There! now you've made me all embarrassed, lol


Men pop mints too Lost... ol Vanilla did fancy that one a time or two..lol


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Never been on the receiving end of that little trick. Hmmm.


Buy Mrs.Tron some...just offer her one ... and then initiate. ..shoot you or her won't know what hit ya !!:corkysm60: pop goes the weasel cause the weasel goes pop !!.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Friends? Uhhhh no. Try again jerkoff.


Right !!! He's ticking me off ,by keep upsetting my friend. My unhealed co dependency makes me wanna protect her by handling him for her :cussing: She's far too nice for him...he does not deserve her right now !


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I have my moments when im not as motivated...but unfortunately those are few and far between. Stress, good or bad kicks it in gear. Money in my pocket kicks it in gear....i often wish i could turn it off...but im a Leo. So...hey I was born to be wild...lol


lol Catch, my H is happier when he's got money in his pocket as well


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Men pop mints too Lost... ol Vanilla did fancy that one a time or two..lol


oh i know that one, lol. Other tricks that men can do is use a fisherman's friend instead of a mint or pop an alka selter in your privates, lol


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Right !!! He's ticking me off ,by keep upsetting my friend. My unhealed co dependency makes me wanna protect her by handling him for her :cussing: She's far too nice for him...he does not deserve her right now !


Aww thanks Catch


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> What do you have to talk to him about ? What happened to upset you about that text ?


I dunno really what upset me about the text. I think it was that he never uses smileys in his text. My heart just dropped to my stomach.
I spoke to him yesterday about picking up our son and what time he is picking him up.
The house bit I'd already mentioned in a previous post. I'm going to run that by the site divorce busting or email the author to see what her take is on this and if she thinks that by saying that I'm selling the house now will make him change his mind about filing so quickly!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> oh i know that one, lol. Other tricks that men can do is use a fisherman's friend instead of a mint or pop an alka selter in your privates, lol


Oh hecky nawl ! I used fishermans friend when I had a cold once...that stuff is strong. ..i'd be scared...lol

Now the alka seltzer gets two thumbs up !! (Yeah..got a T shirt for that one too...lol )


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I dunno really what upset me about the text. I think it was that he never uses smileys in his text. My heart just dropped to my stomach.
> I spoke to him yesterday about picking up our son and what time he is picking him up.
> The house bit I'd already mentioned in a previous post. I'm going to run that by the site divorce busting or email the author to see what her take is on this and if she thinks that by saying that I'm selling the house now will make him change his mind about filing so quickly!


What smiley did he use ?


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## lostwithouthim

I've had a really weird, go figure kinda day! I've had to keep telling myself all afternoon that H is filing for D and all of this that is going on is him trying to be "friends".
Ok this is how it went. Fist off he changed his mind about coming down at 2.30, he turned up at the church fete at 12.45 ish. The vicar was talking to him and next thing I know he was running a stall, lol. Luckily it wasn't a stall next to me, so I didn't have to talk to him that much 
What was weird was that my son had been put on a game, my son said last night I think I'll suggest to the vicar that we have a wii racing next time. Well, we got to church this morning and the vicar said to my son, you're going to run a wii racing game. How weird was that!!
Ok back to my H. He had come to look round the stalls and have a burger. He asked if I wanted a burger and I said yes please and gave him some money to get me a burger. He didn't take the money and went to get me a burger with onions on it, just the way I like it  He then came back about 3 mins later with a cupcake for me, then he went to get me a cup of coffee! I'm thinking like - Whoa! How am I supposed to do a 180 with this guy? It was so hard to keep myself occupied and not engage in conversation or follow him around the place. 
Then he was supposed to leave with my son at 3pm, but said that as my son is having a good time then he will stay until my son got bored. At 4.30, they were announcing the winner of the cake competition and the winner of the princess competition. H came to stand by me and was telling the vicar about the time that I entered a cake competition and how I'd won as I was the only one who had entered. A happy positive memory which was very good as normally it's only negative memories  This happened about 11 years ago when we first moved to this town, so not quite as recent! I'm still not falling for this behaviour, though I did laugh along when he was retelling this story.
Then...the raffle was drawn and we both won. The really spooky thing in this raffle was that he had numbers 51-55 and I had numbers 151-155. doubly weird!
My son came over and gave me his prizes that he won for me to take home with me as he was going straight to his dads. H asked me if we had enough helpers to tidy up and I said we should be ok. My sn gave me a box of chocs that he won for me to take home, but I gave them back to him saying that perhaps he'd like to share them with his dad when they are watching the film together. I said have a great time at your dads and I'll see you tomorrow. They said bye and H winked at me!!! Totally freaking me out this!! I hope that this is God intervening as I prayed to God this morning and said I'm running out of time please help me. Show him the error of his ways and don't let this D go ahead. Anyway I thanked God as I always do when something positive like this has happened. I'm going to be patient, carry on with the 180 and see how things develop! Fingers crossed it will be a positive sign


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## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> oh i know that one, lol. Other tricks that men can do is use a fisherman's friend instead of a mint or pop an alka selter in your privates, lol


Whaaaaaaaaat???? No way!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> What smiley did he use ?


He never uses a smiley, just straight to the point as I wrote it this morning. I've used smileys in his texts, but I don't bother now. He never responds to my texts with a smiley and as I'm now doing a 180 on him, I just answered the text with ok. that's it just ok, lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> He never uses a smiley, just straight to the point as I wrote it this morning. I've used smileys in his texts, but I don't bother now. He never responds to my texts with a smiley and as I'm now doing a 180 on him, I just answered the text with ok. that's it just ok, lol





lostwithouthim said:


> I dunno really what upset me about the text. I think it was that he never uses smileys in his text.


Ok now Lost...ya lost me. If he never uses smileys...and you know this. Why didbyou get upset that he didn't do something he never does anyway? Now both of us cant be whacko...thats my dept...lol


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## catch22gofigure

Almost certain now its H blood pressure. Tricked him into checking it earlier 143/91....ugggg and he still refuses to go to the dr....smh So now not only am intimately frustrated this man is ill and refusing help...aiii aiii aiiii I give up , whats a 

NEWSFLASH !!!!!!!!!!!! 
AS i was typing this he calls from work and says...i think this bp thing is messing with my manhood !!!!! PROGRESS ,ADMISSION, i can work with this......whew !!!!!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok now Lost...ya lost me. If he never uses smileys...and you know this. Why didbyou get upset that he didn't do something he never does anyway? Now both of us cant be whacko...thats my dept...lol


I really dunno what it was Catch, lol. I just felt down when I read his text. It might not be the fact he didn't use smileys, lol. It was just as if my happy bubble had burst! I woke up this morning singing and thinking what a lovely day it's going to be. Then I read his text and IDK, my happy mood was low again once more! It might be because I had it in my head that this was the plan of the day and this was going to happen at this time. H had scuppered my plans. Then he rang up and changed them all back again! It really doesn't make sense! 
The other reason I think is that I like order in my life and my son has high functioning autism. Whenever a plan gets changed, I've got to tell my son about the change as soon as I can. I think living with someone who's got autism makes you start thinking like someone with autism. Does that make sense? lol.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Almost certain now its H blood pressure. Tricked him into checking it earlier 143/91....ugggg and he still refuses to go to the dr....smh So now not only am intimately frustrated this man is ill and refusing help...aiii aiii aiiii I give up , whats a
> 
> NEWSFLASH !!!!!!!!!!!!
> AS i was typing this he calls from work and says...i think this bp thing is messing with my manhood !!!!! PROGRESS ,ADMISSION, i can work with this......whew !!!!!


Yeah!! So pleased for you  I do think you should keep an emergency number for the docs/hospital handy and when he asks say just in case you have a heart attack. That's a very high number and as you know it can be extremely dangerous!


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## lostwithouthim

Has anyone read through my post weird kinda day? Does anyone have any insight into this? Is it just me or shall I see how things develop? Is there anything I'm doing wrong about the way I'm treating H at the moment? I know we're supposed to have patience, but I've only got a few weeks left before H goes to file for D. I've not got long! Also on my other post about uncommon sense and my plan on making him think I'm going to sell the house. Need opinions/advice please


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Almost certain now its H blood pressure. Tricked him into checking it earlier 143/91....ugggg and he still refuses to go to the dr....smh So now not only am intimately frustrated this man is ill and refusing help...aiii aiii aiiii I give up , whats a
> 
> NEWSFLASH !!!!!!!!!!!!
> AS i was typing this he calls from work and says...i think this bp thing is messing with my manhood !!!!! PROGRESS ,ADMISSION, i can work with this......whew !!!!!


:smthumbup::smthumbup:

Well, well. Maybe go with him to the doctor and make sure that everything gets put out in the open.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Now both of us cant be whacko...thats my dept...lol



I am waaay ahead of you guys. Wacko would only describe one small tiny piece of me right now. I think I am ready for the padded room right about now. I'll even wear my sponge pajamas without a fight.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I really dunno what it was Catch, lol. I just felt down when I read his text. It might not be the fact he didn't use smileys, lol. It was just as if my happy bubble had burst! I woke up this morning singing and thinking what a lovely day it's going to be. Then I read his text and IDK, my happy mood was low again once more! It might be because I had it in my head that this was the plan of the day and this was going to happen at this time. H had scuppered my plans. Then he rang up and changed them all back again! It really doesn't make sense!
> The other reason I think is that I like order in my life and my son has high functioning autism. Whenever a plan gets changed, I've got to tell my son about the change as soon as I can. I think living with someone who's got autism makes you start thinking like someone with autism. Does that make sense? lol.


Yes it makes sense. I have an autistic cousin so I know how change can make a whole days difference. You have to practice what you preach though and not react...whether he sees it or not. If you can learn not to react alone. ..the easier it is not to do it around. The H. That's what i've been practicing.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Yeah!! So pleased for you  I do think you should keep an emergency number for the docs/hospital handy and when he asks say just in case you have a heart attack. That's a very high number and as you know it can be extremely dangerous!


Yes !!:iagree:


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Has anyone read through my post weird kinda day? Does anyone have any insight into this? Is it just me or shall I see how things develop? Is there anything I'm doing wrong about the way I'm treating H at the moment? I know we're supposed to have patience, but I've only got a few weeks left before H goes to file for D. I've not got long! Also on my other post about uncommon sense and my plan on making him think I'm going to sell the house. Need opinions/advice please


Idk if you want my advice Lost...im not stable myself. Now if you want my honest take on it at the moment. ..be prepared for 2x4's....


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> :smthumbup::smthumbup:
> 
> Well, well. Maybe go with him to the doctor and make sure that everything gets put out in the open.


He asked me to run an errand for him while on his lunch at work. I told him i'd do it only if he allowed me to make him an appt Monday and he agreed !! I went immediately after the admission to the adult store and purchased some things to "help him out" he would never accept using this stuff pre admission. ..so lets see how it goes. I made a Fathers Day gift bag and put on the card To:Big Daddy and filled it with all kinds of stuff, the kids gift bag has his actual Fathers Day gift in it. Let's see how this goes. Im also waiting now with a very "interesting" attire...lol I have my phone fully charged in case I need to call 911...cause this is gonna really get the blood flowing.:smthumbup:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I am waaay ahead of you guys. Wacko would only describe one small tiny piece of me right now. I think I am ready for the padded room right about now. I'll even wear my sponge pajamas without a fight.


Lol, I jist love your personality


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ummm NotEz , where the he¡¡ are you ??!! Im still waiting and I know you're still lurking. ..we're here for you when you're ready. Remember I am still suffering with Co dependency.. I WILL SEEK YOU OUT TO HELP....lol Seriously, we're here hun...


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I really dunno what it was Catch, lol. I just felt down when I read his text. It might not be the fact he didn't use smileys, lol. It was just as if my happy bubble had burst! I woke up this morning singing and thinking what a lovely day it's going to be. Then I read his text and IDK, my happy mood then was low again once more!



Your happy bubble got burst would be my guess. It might have been due to subconscious thinking. I know it is what happens to me all of the time. Since I rarely get any kind of contact from my husband you would think I would jump for joy any time I receive anything from him. Most of the time those little contacts remind me that he is not here with me and there is a pretty good possibility that he will never be with me again. Just this evening I had an episode of this that made me have to leave the room so that my daughter's friend would not see me cry. I don't think I will never look at contact with my husband the same again.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Lol, I jist love your personality



I kind of like me, too.  I had a really rough day today and I am ready for any room where I can bang my head against the wall. Might even talk to that wall. I might get farther dealing with it than I will with my husband. Stupid advocate pissed me off today. I sat there for an hour and talked. Then what does she say? Sounds to me like your husband is avoiding you and has you on ignore. It's a good thing I know how to bite my tongue because I almost slipped and said Well, no crap Sherlock. Now help me deal with him. I knew it would not be pretty today, but all she did was get me all worked up over the fact that my husband has made the decision to avoid me at all costs as if I am just going to up and suddenly disappear off the face of the earth. She couldn't even give me a small piece of hope today. Remembering that she has only been at this a short while, I asked her if there was any hope of getting my husband back to where he was before he started his classes. She told me she didn't see it happening. She said it's usually the people who start out together working as a team that are successful. She said all the others fall to the way side and end up divorced and single. Thank goodness I won't have to deal with her for much longer. I serious think this is the worst of the people I have dealt with. 

I hope your husband has a wonderful - FUN filled - Father's day. My husband will be alone as he is still pretty sick and so my daughter will be with me. I'll be sure she calls him and tries to talk to him. Other than that he will have to wait until he is better in order to see her. 

What did you get at the store? I got some weird flavored gels before and those things tasted like plastic. They were sooo gross. They smelled heavenly, but bleh!! Won't do that kind of thing again without asking to try it before I buy it.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Mannnnn , 
This man is too through with himself. He just made it in from work and I showed him a water bottle with a built in water filter I bought him and he was like "baby you didn't have to do that." The old me would have been really kinda, uhhh a smart mouth and said something like "i know" with a bit of an attitude for what I thought meant he said that because he doesn't want or appreciate it. Instead I said," I know ;but I know how much you like bottled water. And you buy bottled water at work, so this will save you money on 400 gallons of water you usually pay for."

He then said...."hmmmm, you looking all good, you getting ready for sex ,huh ?" The old me would have gotten ticked at what i thought was such a "dumb and far too direct of a question" . Instead, I said "I Bought You Something Else " ( I reach to the right of me and present the Big Daddy Bag :FIREdevil: ) He said " girrrrrl , what the he!! Is this ?"...by now im about to burst out laughing. ..not wanting him to misinterpret my laughter as it being towards his issue. ..so I took the opportunity to present each bag item to him and describe it's intended use . I saw a HUGE smile come across his face . Next thing i know he's leaped from the sofa and grabbing his shower accessories :rofl:

Now im praying that this stuff I bought eases this issue for both of us. ray: 

If only the other issues in this marriage could be solved so easily


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Your happy bubble got burst would be my guess. It might have been due to subconscious thinking. I know it is what happens to me all of the time. Since I rarely get any kind of contact from my husband you would think I would jump for joy any time I receive anything from him. Most of the time those little contacts remind me that he is not here with me and there is a pretty good possibility that he will never be with me again. Just this evening I had an episode of this that made me have to leave the room so that my daughter's friend would not see me cry. I don't think I will never look at contact with my husband the same again.


Awww im sorry to hear your day didn't go as planned. Tell me again how old is your H ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I kind of like me, too.  I had a really rough day today and I am ready for any room where I can bang my head against the wall. Might even talk to that wall. I might get farther dealing with it than I will with my husband. Stupid advocate pissed me off today. I sat there for an hour and talked. Then what does she say? Sounds to me like your husband is avoiding you and has you on ignore. It's a good thing I know how to bite my tongue because I almost slipped and said Well, no crap Sherlock. Now help me deal with him. I knew it would not be pretty today, but all she did was get me all worked up over the fact that my husband has made the decision to avoid me at all costs as if I am just going to up and suddenly disappear off the face of the earth. She couldn't even give me a small piece of hope today. Remembering that she has only been at this a short while, I asked her if there was any hope of getting my husband back to where he was before he started his classes. She told me she didn't see it happening. She said it's usually the people who start out together working as a team that are successful. She said all the others fall to the way side and end up divorced and single. Thank goodness I won't have to deal with her for much longer. I serious think this is the worst of the people I have dealt with.
> 
> I hope your husband has a wonderful - FUN filled - Father's day. My husband will be alone as he is still pretty sick and so my daughter will be with me. I'll be sure she calls him and tries to talk to him. Other than that he will have to wait until he is better in order to see her.
> 
> What did you get at the store? I got some weird flavored gels before and those things tasted like plastic. They were sooo gross. They smelled heavenly, but bleh!! Won't do that kind of thing again without asking to try it before I buy it.


You sound like I do about my IC...whhaaacckkoo !! I think I need to lay her down on the dang couch...smh. ill PM you tomorrow aboutbwhat I bought...gotta run. Sounds like the shower just stopped....:biggrinangelA:


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> You sound like I do about my IC...whhaaacckkoo !! I think I need to lay her down on the dang couch...smh. ill PM you tomorrow aboutbwhat I bought...gotta run. Sounds like the shower just stopped....:biggrinangelA:



Go Catch! Go Catch! Go! Go! Go! :rofl:


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Awww im sorry to hear your day didn't go as planned. Tell me again how old is your H ?




He is 4 going on 5  

He is almost 46 in less than a month and a half.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> If only the other issues in this marriage could be solved so easily


If this was the answer to marriage made easy...I'd be in the store buying stuff every day. :smthumbup:


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Lol, I jist love your personality


Me too


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I kind of like me, too.  I had a really rough day today and I am ready for any room where I can bang my head against the wall. Might even talk to that wall. I might get farther dealing with it than I will with my husband. Stupid advocate pissed me off today. I sat there for an hour and talked. Then what does she say? Sounds to me like your husband is avoiding you and has you on ignore. It's a good thing I know how to bite my tongue because I almost slipped and said Well, no crap Sherlock. Now help me deal with him. I knew it would not be pretty today, but all she did was get me all worked up over the fact that my husband has made the decision to avoid me at all costs as if I am just going to up and suddenly disappear off the face of the earth. She couldn't even give me a small piece of hope today. Remembering that she has only been at this a short while, I asked her if there was any hope of getting my husband back to where he was before he started his classes. She told me she didn't see it happening. She said it's usually the people who start out together working as a team that are successful. She said all the others fall to the way side and end up divorced and single. Thank goodness I won't have to deal with her for much longer. I serious think this is the worst of the people I have dealt with.
> 
> I hope your husband has a wonderful - FUN filled - Father's day. My husband will be alone as he is still pretty sick and so my daughter will be with me. I'll be sure she calls him and tries to talk to him. Other than that he will have to wait until he is better in order to see her.


Nemo, your advocate sounds a right bundle of laughs doesn't she? lol. If what she's saying is true and the ones that work as a team get back together, then this give me a little bit of hope. Mind you, she'll probably say something different to me. What surprises me is how you're supposed to work as a team with your H when you're only supposed to have very little contact with him!


----------



## lostwithouthim

Nemo, you edited your post on here and I've got the original post about your H ignoring you by email.
What do I say to this. I think it could be that your H is getting the same information as you from his advocate. 
I would do a 180 on him for a few days. When he starts to respond, let him do all the chasing even if you think he's getting closer to you. The worst thing you can do is be a needy spouse. It does the complete opposite of what you think it would do, it drives them away!
I'm ready for my 2x4 today, bring it on! I'm going out to lunch today with a friend and I might not be back when H drops my son off  He'll be mad with me, I know he would. My IC says it sounds like all this time I've been in control of everything and he's trying to take back the control. That's the reason he went mad at me last Sunday because I made my own way home and didn't wait for him to pick me up from the shops. Well if he wants to be in control then he needs to come round and finish off my decorating, lol. If I see him today, I'm going to let him know that he needs to finish the decorating in case we need to get the house valued. Whichever way we go, either my mum pays half the house (which is in his fantasy land!) or selling the house, we need to make sure that the house has got the highest value. 
I'm off now as I've got some things to do before I get ready for Church. Have a good day guys and speak to you later


----------



## catch22gofigure

Well looks like I may not need the 2x4's...you're about to do just what i was gonna say. Don't be available or around when he comes and goes with your son. I know he has high functioningautism but if he can run a booth alone, he can sit alone for a brief moment while your H picks him up. Go around the block, go in the backyard. Anything but making yourself available to be seen or your voice heard by him. 180 yeah...but me personally i'd say ,go dark. At this point, no matter what you do or say will changes his mind if he's serious, other than showing him what its like to not have you in his life. 
You have to do what's best for you though. I'm all for being positive;but IMO...it's. gonna hurt a lot worse if you don't begin to detach some and things don't go as planned. If things do go as planned you already know you love him. So reconnecting that love will be easy to do when that time comes.


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## catch22gofigure

Happy Father's Day Tron !!


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Go Catch! Go Catch! Go! Go! Go! :rofl:


All im gonna say is... IF WALLS COULD TALK !!:corkysm60:


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well looks like I may not need the 2x4's...you're about to do just what i was gonna say. Don't be available or around when he comes and goes with your son. I know he has high functioningautism but if he can run a booth alone, he can sit alone for a brief moment while your H picks him up. Go around the block, go in the backyard. Anything but making yourself available to be seen or your voice heard by him. 180 yeah...but me personally i'd say ,go dark. At this point, no matter what you do or say will changes his mind if he's serious, other than showing him what its like to not have you in his life.
> You have to do what's best for you though. I'm all for being positive;but IMO...it's. gonna hurt a lot worse if you don't begin to detach some and things don't go as planned. If things do go as planned you already know you love him. So reconnecting that love will be easy to do when that time comes.


Well I'll update you in a new post as to what happened today, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with me and I definitely do not need a 2x4, lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

Ok my update for the day. So this morning I went to church and then me and a friend went for a meal/carvery. After the meal, we had a couple of drinks that sent me a bit tipsy, but not so much that you'd noticed. It did sent me into a devil may care attitude though, lol. I got my phone out to look at something and noticed that there was 4 missed calls on my phone, 2 from H and 2 from my son. I rang my H back and said hi I didn't hear my phone ring. I said I was out with my friend and I'll be back at 2pm. He said he was already at the house, but he didn't shout at me for a change and didn't tell me to rush back like he normally does. 
My friend dropped me back home at 2pm, then one of my neighbours wanted to talk, so I was talking to him for about 5 mins. I went in the house and said hi to H and to my son, then said I needed the toilet. My son decided to talk to me when I was sat on the toilet, as they do! lol. I sorted out what he wanted and then went back downstairs. My H said that he saw me being dropped off and having a natter with the neighbour. I thought he's spying on me now! Our front door is no-where near the sitting room you see.
He asked me about the service we were going to at 4pm. I know! Church twice in one day, lol. It was a special service for the "enough food if" campaign that they are going to discuss at the G5 summit tomorrow. Do a search to see what it is all about  We had a worship leader come to sing worship songs with us, apparently he's got an album out! Remember that song I gave you a link to? Well that was one of the songs that he sang this afternoon 
Anyway, I'm straying from the subject. H told me that my son says he likes his flat as it's tidy, hmmm. I don't know why he had to tell me that! Maybe he was trying to get a rise out of me, but I was in a tipsy stupor and didn't care what he said, lol. H also mentioned about his desk being moved up to my son's room. I said it's too big for his room. H mentioned that my son should start keeping his room tidy and having a clear out. I said we plan to as we're going to do a boot sale in the next week or so. 
I said that H doesn't need to come round tomorrow as my son has got an exam and it's across the road from my college. H said to let him know how he got on with his exams, but I'll wait until I can be bothered to tell him, lol.
He left straight after then and I really couldn't be bothered today, lol. I'm letting go and letting God. I didn't even talk to H about the house. Did I do good or do you still want to hit me with a 2x4? lol.
Good idea about not being around when he picks my son up. There's always jobs to do in the garden, but I know that H come to find me before he leaves with my son. He always does! He says he doesn't want us to be like a couple that just send their son out of the door. well, we'll see about that! When the D starts going through, I might just feel like doing that! It's his hard luck, I'm not going to be best buddies with him. He's got to realise this 
I'm waiting to be approved on the divorce busting forum, it has some good posts on there and some good tips to do 180 with your spouses  the only thing is, once you register, you've got to be approved before you can post and then your posts are monitored for a while before you can post and it comes up straight away. I think it'll be worth it though


----------



## catch22gofigure

Yep you did g great !! When I was NC and hard 180'ing my H...i wouldn't even make eye contact with him when I did have no other choice but to mention or talk to him. Remember i couldn't do that for long though. That was one of my issues that led to ourmss. Us stone walling each other. It did get his attention though. ..big time.

I'm actually proud of you Lost. I want you to be happy and I know our goals are to have a R. But he has to know your worth is more than gold. He can't use you and your life or feelings as ransom because he is broke and miserable right now. That's not good.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Happy Father's Day Tron !!


Thanks Catch. It's been great so far!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Thanks Catch. It's been great so far!


Thats good to know !! I did brkfst for the H and a awesome steak dinner for him and his dad ...the Big Daddy bag was a success btw..:smthumbup: So he's had a great Father's day. I start work tomorrow let's hope this mood doesn't change...


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Thats good to know !! I did brkfst for the H and a awesome steak dinner for him and his dad ...the Big Daddy bag was a success btw..:smthumbup: So he's had a great Father's day. I start work tomorrow let's hope this mood doesn't change...




YEA! I hope you first day of work is wonderful. 

Tomorrow I am expecting an email that will lead me to a final interview for a job. This is the stage I always seem to get to and then I mess it up some how. I have never done an interview from home using Skype so this should be interesting. I have been reading and doing a lot of research about the company so hopefully that will pay off. 

Happy Father's Day Tron and Big Daddy.


----------



## Tron

Thanks Nemo. 

Good luck tomorrow to both of you.

And Catch...very glad the bag worked out.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Thanks Nemo.
> 
> Good luck tomorrow to both of you.
> 
> And Catch...very glad the bag worked out.



UGH! They put the interview off until tomorrow morning. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I plan to do some more reading and research today hoping that I can land this job. I just don't like this not knowing part...

Catch I hope you are doing well today.

*
Can you believe this? They are out in the field recruiting and training and I have to wait until Friday now for my interview. I hope this is not the start of a downhill trend with this company. I really do want this job, but the suspsense of waiting to find out is going to drive me crazy. :scratchhead: *


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> UGH! They put the interview off until tomorrow morning. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I plan to do some more reading and research today hoping that I can land this job. I just don't like this not knowing part...
> 
> Catch I hope you are doing well today.
> 
> *
> Can you believe this? They are out in the field recruiting and training and I have to wait until Friday now for my interview. I hope this is not the start of a downhill trend with this company. I really do want this job, but the suspsense of waiting to find out is going to drive me crazy. :scratchhead: *


Hope you get to hear soon  Good luck


----------



## catch22gofigure

Started my new job today! ! So far i like it. Have to get dinner going. I may be able to update in a few. Just wanted to drop in and say hi !!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> YEA! I hope you first day of work is wonderful.
> 
> Tomorrow I am expecting an email that will lead me to a final interview for a job. This is the stage I always seem to get to and then I mess it up some how. I have never done an interview from home using Skype so this should be interesting. I have been reading and doing a lot of research about the company so hopefully that will pay off.
> 
> Happy Father's Day Tron and Big Daddy.


I know that feeling. But you believe in God ,right ? Then you have to know what God has for you is for you. And nothing will be able to stop it. Those other jobs weren't for you. The interviews were just practice for that one interview that is just for you. Keep pushing. ..it took me forever, seriously


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I know that feeling. But you believe in God ,right ? Then you have to know what God has for you is for you. And nothing will be able to stop it. Those other jobs weren't for you. The interviews were just practice for that one interview that is just for you. Keep pushing. ..it took me forever, seriously



Well, one good thing about this...the original company that I put in the application with handles a lot of other companies and products. They said that they would keep checking to find me a job that I actually get hired for. I'll keep going until something comes through.


----------



## Finding Nemo

OKay you guys. Here is your weather alert for tomorrow. Should you hear thunder and see lightening...that is not a storm on the horizon. It will be my counselor that is cracking the whip and stirring up trouble. :smthumbup: Time to bring in the big guns! She lowered her fees for me so that I would be able to afford her. And I have access to a fund that will help pay for it. YAY!! No more listening to the counselor repeat what I already know.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> OKay you guys. Here is your weather alert for tomorrow. Should you hear thunder and see lightening...that is not a storm on the horizon. It will be my counselor that is cracking the whip and stirring up trouble. :smthumbup: Time to bring in the big guns! She lowered her fees for me so that I would be able to afford her. And I have access to a fund that will help pay for it. YAY!! No more listening to the counselor repeat what I already know.


That sounds fantastic! Go Nemo


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Started my new job today! ! So far i like it. Have to get dinner going. I may be able to update in a few. Just wanted to drop in and say hi !!


I'm really pleased for you Catch  Hope you continue to enjoy it


----------



## catch22gofigure

Still haven't got the chance to update, as you. all know I work mainly in tech support. So being in training for this job this week has me doing a lot of studying. Tomorrow will definitely be a day i get to spend some time here. These first two days have just been kind of hectic. The commute has been challenging only because its been pouring buckets of rain for two days. So I've been making it home late. Sun's back out after tomorrow though. ..so my schedule will be mike flexible


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Still haven't got the chance to update, as you. all know I work mainly in tech support. So being in training for this job this week has me doing a lot of studying. Tomorrow will definitely be a day i get to spend some time here. These first two days have just been kind of hectic. The commute has been challenging only because its been pouring buckets of rain for two days. So I've been making it home late. Sun's back out after tomorrow though. ..so my schedule will be mike flexible


Don't work too hard  Look forward to the update  I've got nothing to update as I've not spoken to H since Monday evening and there's nothing really to report there


----------



## Finding Nemo

Did you guys hear the thunder crack yesterday? That was my counselor. Not only was she honest...she was brutal. I don't know when I have walked away so stunned. Not sure if she used a 2X4 or not, but I finally get it and then some. She wants me to start with getting some books on Codependency. Now where have I heard that before? :scratchhead: If you guys have any suggestions, please post them. I am on a mission here and one I can't afford to take too lightly. 

I'll write more when I get back from a job interview. It's not the one I really, really want, but I can't be choosy at the moment. See you guys when I get back.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Did you guys hear the thunder crack yesterday? That was my counselor. Not only was she honest...she was brutal. I don't know when I have walked away so stunned. Not sure if she used a 2X4 or not, but I finally get it and then some. She wants me to start with getting some books on Codependency. Now where have I heard that before? :scratchhead: If you guys have any suggestions, please post them. I am on a mission here and one I can't afford to take too lightly.
> 
> I'll write more when I get back from a job interview. It's not the one I really, really want, but I can't be choosy at the moment. See you guys when I get back.


Good luck with your job interview  Catch has been reading co-dependency no more. I didn't hear the crack of thunder over here, but it was so humid it was threatening a storm, lol.
Had to ring H today about my son, he didn't answer the phone so I left him a text message. He still hasn't got back, do you think he's doing a 180 on me as well? lol. Anyway, I'm not bothering ringing him again tonight and if he rings back late at night like he's done in the past, well I shall be in bed 
MIL rang today to say that's she's going away for a few days in case I try to ring and I don't get an answer (as if!). She says she will never ignore me so I should'nt worry about that. If anything it's me ignoring her, lol. Well at least not ringing her up! Anyway I didn't give anything away, I just talked about my son  I was very good  She asked me if H went to Church and I said I don't know but I don't think so. If only he would, I'm still hoping he'll get his faith back and maybe jusy maybe we may have a chance at R!
Speak to you guys later


----------



## NotEZ

Ok, so I know I have yet to lay out the full story of what happened since H got out of the hospital. I did mention that he said he thought about us maybe trying again while he was in the hospital but never really said anything after that. We went back to status quo (friends). We ended up in an argument 2 saturdays ago now and I moved out with the kids to my sisters house.

So skip forward to 10 mins ago, I received a text from him that said

"I've been thinking and you are right. I didn't try everything to try save this relationship. Maybe we should go to couples councilling. See if we can save our family". 

I just told him to be sure he really wants to put in the effort. So, we'll see what he says, I guess. Boy, things can change in an instant. We've now been separated for a year. While we had been living at his place for the past 6 months, it wasn't for the purpose of "being together". I thought for sure that, when we moved out a couple weeks ago, we missed our last chance.

I don't want to get my hopes up. But its the first time he's ever even considered councilling. The fact that he brought it up on his own says a lot, though I know he could change his mind again.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Catch, I am just curious...how did you feel when you first started reading the Codependent book? I am curious because right now I feel like crap. Scared out of my mind. And I feel like my entire life is just falling apart right before my very eyes. When I first came to TAM it was for simple advice. Now I have moved all the way down the line to being told the best thing I can do for myself it to divorce my husband and then worry about how to get him to come back home or any of the other problems we have going on. This is a wonderful counselor and I know I need to listen to her. But, I am scared out of my mind. The last thing I want is a divorce. But, what choice do I really have after 6 months and we have made no progress, but in fact everything has gone downhill. Just needing a friends ear tonight.


----------



## NotEZ

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch, I am just curious...how did you feel when you first started reading the Codependent book? I am curious because right now I feel like crap. Scared out of my mind. And I feel like my entire life is just falling apart right before my very eyes. When I first came to TAM it was for simple advice. Now I have moved all the way down the line to being told the best thing I can do for myself it to divorce my husband and then worry about how to get him to come back home or any of the other problems we have going on. This is a wonderful counselor and I know I need to listen to her. But, I am scared out of my mind. The last thing I want is a divorce. But, what choice do I really have after 6 months and we have made no progress, but in fact everything has gone downhill. Just needing a friends ear tonight.


What do you think would happened if you filed for divorce? Seems to me your H is just scared of himself... he's scared he lost control one night and scared if he couldn't stop it that time, he won't be able to if it happens again. Right now, he has is safe because he still "has" you but isn't in a position where he can't control his surroundings. If you file (remembering that it can be cancelled at ANYTIME) he will be forced into seeing what scares him more... himself or losing you.

It doesn't mean you are going to lose him. Its pretty obvious that he cares about you... he's just scared. As long as you are allowing him both, he never has to decide. Make any sense? Don't know if I helped at all.. just an outside perspective.

Edit: And if he does let you go... well then you've seen where his head is really at and are out of limbo.


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## lostwithouthim

NotEZ said:


> Ok, so I know I have yet to lay out the full story of what happened since H got out of the hospital. I did mention that he said he thought about us maybe trying again while he was in the hospital but never really said anything after that. We went back to status quo (friends). We ended up in an argument 2 saturdays ago now and I moved out with the kids to my sisters house.
> 
> So skip forward to 10 mins ago, I received a text from him that said
> 
> "I've been thinking and you are right. I didn't try everything to try save this relationship. Maybe we should go to couples councilling. See if we can save our family".
> 
> I just told him to be sure he really wants to put in the effort. So, we'll see what he says, I guess. Boy, things can change in an instant. We've now been separated for a year. While we had been living at his place for the past 6 months, it wasn't for the purpose of "being together". I thought for sure that, when we moved out a couple weeks ago, we missed our last chance.
> 
> I don't want to get my hopes up. But its the first time he's ever even considered councilling. The fact that he brought it up on his own says a lot, though I know he could change his mind again.


So pleased for you Notez  Am I the only one who's H isn't asking for a R? I hope my turn comes soon  He's ignored my text from yesterday, which means I've got to ring him up again. Ho hum! Such a pain! I wouldn't normally ring him, but it's to do with our son.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch, I am just curious...how did you feel when you first started reading the Codependent book? I am curious because right now I feel like crap. Scared out of my mind. And I feel like my entire life is just falling apart right before my very eyes. When I first came to TAM it was for simple advice. Now I have moved all the way down the line to being told the best thing I can do for myself it to divorce my husband and then worry about how to get him to come back home or any of the other problems we have going on. This is a wonderful counselor and I know I need to listen to her. But, I am scared out of my mind. The last thing I want is a divorce. But, what choice do I really have after 6 months and we have made no progress, but in fact everything has gone downhill. Just needing a friends ear tonight.


According to my H, it takes 6 months for a D to go through. Anything can happen in those 6 months. You can always change your mind at the last night. I think what your counsellor is thinking is either D will put the frighteners on him or D is the only way that will make him realise how much he wants you back into his life and the grass is not always greener on the other side!


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## NotEZ

Ok, so I am now going to tell this whole story... including the parts that kept me from talking about it before.

Everything was great when H was in the hospital. We texted the entire time, I was there almost every night with the girls. It seemed so normal to me. Like the last few months had been when we were at home... but he always wanted us to be "friends". He seemed to think that we could live life like we always had together but "not being together" meant our conflicts would never enter the picture. He was wrong. I tried the best I knew how too, but it drove me nuts. I'd be great for so long and then I'd snap because it drove me nuts that we did everything as a couple but he'd use us not being together to not be there for me emotionally.

Thats always been the problem with us. He keeps EVERYTHING inside. He hates conflict of any kind, will never express himself in any way, and believes it shows weakness to do anything but. Me, on the other hand, is someone who has to express themself. Has to be heard, has to talk things through, and has to have someone talk to me about themself to really connect.

I felt, a lot of the time, that he was essentially cake eating. Getting to live life as a family, having his best friend by his side, but having the built in excuse of "not being together" to avoid the part of the relationship he was uncomfortable with. I pushed him on it many times, probably not the right thing to do, but I couldn't help it (big time work to do still lol). Everything would be great, then I'd change it. No matter what happened, no matter how close we'd get, we aren't together was always the answer.

Now, in a lot of cases, another person might be the case. In mine, it truly was impossible. He can't work, he watches the kids all day long and stayed in all night. Literally went out twice the entire 6 months we were there. He doesn't even have a computer, so no internet/email buddies, and left his cell phone (no home phone) out all the time because we all used it. He did everything for us. He is the most amazing cook, would give me massages every night because my shoulders were always bad... everything but give us a chance.

So, he gets out of the hospital... as soon as I get home from work he says I thought you washed all these blankets already. Me, being exhausted, took it as a criticism and flipped... it was during that discussion that he had said that he had been thinking about trying again with me while he was in the hospital but that this is what makes it seem impossible. He says something, I take it wrong... an argument. It hasn't always been that way, it just is now. We have zero communication. We don't know how to speak to each other. We are so good in every way except for when it comes to disagreements. And it is usually my complaint, since he rarely says anything about anything (a huge problem in itself). 

So, we put this disagreement behind us, everything is fine. Here is me thinking... he actually thought about it. Thats so much more than I've gotten yet. Fast forward, the night we get into a fight (more like, I get into an argument), I had plans to go out for the day. Told him I would be back early because I wanted the four of us to have a movie night. He says great. I came home, we watched a movie everything was good. The kids went to sleep and I, trying to start something, told him I loved him. He started laughing... and I got pissed off. Started a huge argument about how sick of this I am, his games,etc .... I had been drinking (not usual). He told me if I feel that way, I should leave. I did the very next day.. moved out to my sisters.

We texted each other for a while. I was still mad and hurt, thinking he was laughing at me that night. He said he didn't even hear me, was watching tv and all of a sudden I freaked out. I realized that I was completely wrong, had been drinking... reacted out of emotion and not reality. At the same time, he pretty much refused to answer my texts once I left. He even told me a few days ago that he only told me he was thinking about us getting back together to hurt me because he hates fighting and wanted me to stop. I don't like fighting either. But it has happened, because of me, 2 or 3 times since we lived there. He refuses to say anything and I demand answers... yes, Im in the wrong. 

I saw him yesterday to get the rest of my stuff from his house. He told me that he loves me but fighting is exhausting to him. Doesn't matter if its 1 time, 2 times or 3 times in 6 months. I told him that I don't like fighting either. That I need him to hear me too.. that while I've always supported him when he's sick, I won't treat him special because he's sick. He still has the ability to be their for me too. He told me, if we are meant to be together, we will find our way back to each other.

So today, I decided to be strong, and let him go if thats what he needs. He texted me about a cheque that was at his house for me so I told him a time I'd be there. I went there grabbed the cheque, said thank you, and left... I got home an hour later to a text that says "I've been thinking and maybe you are right. I didn't try everything to save our relationship. Maybe we can try couples councilling and save our family". Like I said earlier, this is the first time in the last year he's even been willing to give our relationship a go, let alone asking for councilling. I told him to make sure its what he really wants because if it isn't, it won't work anyways. He told me it is, he's been thinking about it a lot the last couple days and he really wants to try. I told him I will wait until monday and if he hasn't changed his mind, I will make an appointment.

So we aren't together, I confirmed, but we are going to work on it. We both agreed to not see other people, which neither of us has done anyways, and that we will give it 100% effort. Whatever happens, will happen... its the best I can hope for right now. 

I know we sound pretty disfunctional from the outside, but we were happy for 11 out of our 14 years (3 together plus 1 separated unhappy). We are a young couple, 30 & 36, not only fighting the "high school sweetheart" stigma but also dealing with a lifelong, chronic illness. I have to think that, after all we have dealt with already, we'll make it through this too. Nothing is guaranteed, but we've made it through so much already that if anyone can do it, we can do it too.


----------



## NotEZ

lostwithouthim said:


> So pleased for you Notez  Am I the only one who's H isn't asking for a R? I hope my turn comes soon  He's ignored my text from yesterday, which means I've got to ring him up again. Ho hum! Such a pain! I wouldn't normally ring him, but it's to do with our son.


Thanks Lost... but I wont count my chickens till their hatched. This is the first step of many if we countinue... I have given him till monday to back out.

And, you just never know what might happen. H has been an absolute prick to me the last two weeks.. Ignoring every text I've sent him that wasn't about the kids. Told me that there was almost zero chance we ever would have gotten back together despite anything that happened while we there for the past 6 months (this when I asked him why he told me he thought about it.... said it was to hurt me cause I made him mad). Just yesterday he told me that he just doesn't think its worth the effort. I've heard him say that type of thing for a year!

Today, for the first time, he wants to give it a go. You just never know what is going to happen. And, for all I know, I will be back here on monday saying... whoops, he changed his mind lol.


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## lostwithouthim

Hey notez, it sounds as if both of you have had so much to deal with that it is putting a strain on your marriage. Maybe you both need something from the doctors, either for stress or depression. I'm not a doctor so I don't know what it is, but it probably is stress related. I recommend the book divorce busting, it's not just for people who are going through a d, but is a good book to help relate to one another. 
Got to dash now, speak to you soon 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron

NotEZ,

You need to stop reacting to everything and get control of your emotions. 

When you feel injured, take a few deep breaths, stay in control and express your anger/hurt in a calm and constructive way..."you know when you (fill in the blank), it made me feel (insert emotion)." Then let him talk.

Your explosions are killing your H's love for you and killing your M.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> According to my H, it takes 6 months for a D to go through. Anything can happen in those 6 months. You can always change your mind at the last night. I think what your counsellor is thinking is either D will put the frighteners on him or D is the only way that will make him realise how much he wants you back into his life and the grass is not always greener on the other side!


You know what is really, really interesting. Months ago when we were allowed to talk to each other for the first time, we had a counselor tell me that this is what I needed to do and give a deadline. My daughter overheard the counselor and freaked out. She told my husband who then called his dad. FIL calls me up and says some pretty nasty things to me. At this point FIL tells me that divorce is the last thing on my husband's mind. Now here is 3 months later and I am right back where I started from. With trying to decide what I need to do. Only this time, I am playing a different ballgame. And I am not going to be so nice. 

After nearly two weeks of writing my husband these nightly letters of how my daughter and I are moving on with life he writes to me out of the blue and tells me that he is so happy to be receiving these letters from me. He tells me how proud of me that he is because he sees the passion and fire in me again. This was him breaking the silence that he purposely put on me. And I didn't respond the way he thought I would...in fact, this is what happened yesterday. He told me that he would help me with karate and my dance and anything else I needed. I responded, but I wasn't so nice. I said you don't need to worry, so and so is working with our daughter and so and so is doing this to help her as well. And then I said I have everything under control with my dancing. My friend is there and she is helping me so I don't have any worries. I wasn't trying to be mean...but give him a taste of what he is missing out on. His thing is martial arts and working with our daughter has been a passion of his. He's not here to help her...so why should I make this big deal about how I know I can count on him? Chances are that he isn't going to be there and so I just not going to make any extra effort any more to make him feel good about himself with the words I say to him. Yes, I love him beyond belief, but I also have to remember he doesn't want to be with me, so I need to move on and take care of my daughter and myself. Let him worry about the pain and sorrow of not being there with his daughter. 

Yesterday after my interview I sent my husband an email to tell him about the job prospects that wanted to hire me and to make sure that he will be available at 5am every morning so that I could go to work. He writes me back and tells me what ever I need, he is there. He asks a bunch of questions about the two jobs I am being considered for. I never respond. I went about my day. Why should I bother giving him the details? It has nothing to do with him. It only concerns our daughter being taken care of while I go to make an income for us. 

Last night I got my daughter and I ready and we went to the library. From the library we were going to walk the short distance to the dance studio so I could attend class. My husband calls me while I am at the library and he asks me if he is going to get to see our daughter. I said, I don't know. I have things to do so he is going to have to come to her because I can't bring her to him. He was disappointed again because I didn't bring our daughter to his work. Well, he doesn't know that I am not going near his work for IC any more. And I figure why should I make the effort for him. He wants to see his daughter he can figure out a way to do it. My daughter and I already agreed...he needs to step up and I step back. 

So, at this point of conversation I am next door to the indoor swimming pool that they go to on some of their outings. He told me he needed X amount of time to get there and he would meet us. After I hung up the phone I realized what time it was and I didn't have time to wait around. I needed to get to the dance studio because a professional photographer was coming to take our pictures for upcoming advertisements and for our own personal use, etc. I left our daughter at the swimming place and she called her dad to tell him where she was waiting, etc. If he hadn't showed up, she would have called me and I would go get her. She was less than a block away so I wasn't too worried about her. He then calls me and wants to know why I didn't wait. I explained I had things to do. He then sends me a text to let me know that he was going to leave his cell phone in the locker, but he would check it when they got done to see if I needed anything. 

After they finished swimming he calls me up and tells me they are headed to get something to eat and he wants to know if I am finished with class and did I want anything. I was on the house phone with my aunt so I sent him a message saying I have no money to pay for it so no thank you, but thank you for asking. He gets mad at me and says he is the one paying for it so what do I want. I didn't answer about the food. I did not want to give him any satisfaction of doing something nice for me. I just sent a text reply to tell him I was on the house phone with my family. He gets mad because he didn't get the message until after the place closed and so he didn't get to purchase anything for me. Then we meet a few minutes later so I can pick up our daughter. 

They had gone inside of the store, so I just sat outside and waited. When they came out my husband asked me about the shirt I was wearing. He didn't remember it, but it was one of his from his martial arts training place. He said that's my shirt...and I said I don't know. It was in MY closet and I decided to wear it. Then my daughter asked if I got my picture taken and when I told her that I did she started to laugh. Husband then asked me if he can see the pictures when they come in. I said, I don't know if they will give me a copy of them or not, but at some point I know they will be used for advertisement and then everyone will see them. I asked my daughter if she was ready to go and she said in a minute. She gave her dad a hug goodbye and thanked him for the frozen drink and for the day. I told my husband see you later and I got in my car. It kind of left both my husband and our daughter stunned and wondering what had just happened because I am the one normally wanting to stick around and I ask for my hug, etc. 

It was hard to do ...but I just kept thinking in the back of my head that this a guy who wants nothing to do with you, so make this about your daughter and move on...my daughter told me that her dad looks hurt and I said...sorry, it hurts me, too but this is what he wants so this is what he needs to experience. She asked if she would see him over the weekend and I said, if he calls and asks. Otherwise, I will find something for us to do together. She said...cool. She said Mom you shouldn't have to do everything for dad. His attorney told him he needs to spend time with me. So, if she is telling him that then he needs to make more of an effort not you because you have been trying to help him. And I said..maybe that's the problem. I've been helping him too much and he hasn't had to taste what it is like to be really alone like I have. And she said I love you mom even if this is a mess.

Oh and guess what? I finished reading two books last night. I was tired and the tears just kept coming and I just kept reading. I finally fell asleep on my own and dreamed of how the day should have been so much more different. Patience, my dear friend, what a wonder you are to me.


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Ok, so I know I have yet to lay out the full story of what happened since H got out of the hospital. I did mention that he said he thought about us maybe trying again while he was in the hospital but never really said anything after that. We went back to status quo (friends). We ended up in an argument 2 saturdays ago now and I moved out with the kids to my sisters house.
> 
> So skip forward to 10 mins ago, I received a text from him that said
> 
> "I've been thinking and you are right. I didn't try everything to try save this relationship. Maybe we should go to couples councilling. See if we can save our family".
> 
> I just told him to be sure he really wants to put in the effort. So, we'll see what he says, I guess. Boy, things can change in an instant. We've now been separated for a year. While we had been living at his place for the past 6 months, it wasn't for the purpose of "being together". I thought for sure that, when we moved out a couple weeks ago, we missed our last chance.
> 
> I don't want to get my hopes up. But its the first time he's ever even considered councilling. The fact that he brought it up on his own says a lot, though I know he could change his mind again.


Aww man this is great !!! Just take it real slow ...Im learning and in counseling too. I think this is amazing. Id shui anything for this H over here to say that... this is really grrat for you all. Keep us posted NotEz !! Get it ?? "Post It Notes"
:lol:


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## catch22gofigure

SMy H has been acting real different since our latest episode with the hbp. I've not stayed in my own home in 2 almost three weeks. He tells me what h e wants for lunch and supper....well i won't type all those lil details but things are too similiar to me as to before we split. Everything except no fussing and all that. I'm comfortable ; but agitated at the same time. At what point can i bring up us? Why doesn't he bring. up us ? The opportunity is arriving for me to be able to do a complete relocation. I do still want to re locate. I have a job there now...ugghhh decisions. Our work schedules are conflicting some. I see him for maybe three hours out of the day. Leaving maybe one full hour to talk and "stuff"...
I don't want him to take it the wrong way if I leave. Buttt i don't even know if he cares. He still hasn't talked to me about us. Idk...i just don't know with this dude...


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch, I am just curious...how did you feel when you first started reading the Codependent book? I am curious because right now I feel like crap. Scared out of my mind. And I feel like my entire life is just falling apart right before my very eyes. When I first came to TAM it was for simple advice. Now I have moved all the way down the line to being told the best thing I can do for myself it to divorce my husband and then worry about how to get him to come back home or any of the other problems we have going on. This is a wonderful counselor and I know I need to listen to her. But, I am scared out of my mind. The last thing I want is a divorce. But, what choice do I really have after 6 months and we have made no progress, but in fact everything has gone downhill. Just needing a friends ear tonight.


Time has not permitted me to finish it yet. But IT IS GOOD !! Its crazy indeed to be sitting up reading about you. That's what i feel about what I've read of it. The inky thing I don't care for is all the alcohol anonymous referencing..but it's necessary to give you background on how the name ,analysis',and treatments came about. I don't drink much so alcohol talk really annoys me. Though i understand its truly an illness, nothing really interests me about it. The book though...you definitely need to read it. No matter if all seems peaches and cream for you guys from here on out. Do it for you. You also should read His Needs Her Needs. I'm looking forward to reading it again


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Ok, so I am now going to tell this whole story... including the parts that kept me from talking about it before.
> 
> Everything was great when H was in the hospital. We texted the entire time, I was there almost every night with the girls. It seemed so normal to me. Like the last few months had been when we were at home... but he always wanted us to be "friends". He seemed to think that we could live life like we always had together but "not being together" meant our conflicts would never enter the picture. He was wrong. I tried the best I knew how too, but it drove me nuts. I'd be great for so long and then I'd snap because it drove me nuts that we did everything as a couple but he'd use us not being together to not be there for me emotionally.
> 
> Thats always been the problem with us. He keeps EVERYTHING inside. He hates conflict of any kind, will never express himself in any way, and believes it shows weakness to do anything but. Me, on the other hand, is someone who has to express themself. Has to be heard, has to talk things through, and has to have someone talk to me about themself to really connect.
> 
> I felt, a lot of the time, that he was essentially cake eating. Getting to live life as a family, having his best friend by his side, but having the built in excuse of "not being together" to avoid the part of the relationship he was uncomfortable with. I pushed him on it many times, probably not the right thing to do, but I couldn't help it (big time work to do still lol). Everything would be great, then I'd change it. No matter what happened, no matter how close we'd get, we aren't together was always the answer.
> 
> Now, in a lot of cases, another person might be the case. In mine, it truly was impossible. He can't work, he watches the kids all day long and stayed in all night. Literally went out twice the entire 6 months we were there. He doesn't even have a computer, so no internet/email buddies, and left his cell phone (no home phone) out all the time because we all used it. He did everything for us. He is the most amazing cook, would give me massages every night because my shoulders were always bad... everything but give us a chance.
> 
> So, he gets out of the hospital... as soon as I get home from work he says I thought you washed all these blankets already. Me, being exhausted, took it as a criticism and flipped... it was during that discussion that he had said that he had been thinking about trying again with me while he was in the hospital but that this is what makes it seem impossible. He says something, I take it wrong... an argument. It hasn't always been that way, it just is now. We have zero communication. We don't know how to speak to each other. We are so good in every way except for when it comes to disagreements. And it is usually my complaint, since he rarely says anything about anything (a huge problem in itself).
> 
> So, we put this disagreement behind us, everything is fine. Here is me thinking... he actually thought about it. Thats so much more than I've gotten yet. Fast forward, the night we get into a fight (more like, I get into an argument), I had plans to go out for the day. Told him I would be back early because I wanted the four of us to have a movie night. He says great. I came home, we watched a movie everything was good. The kids went to sleep and I, trying to start something, told him I loved him. He started laughing... and I got pissed off. Started a huge argument about how sick of this I am, his games,etc .... I had been drinking (not usual). He told me if I feel that way, I should leave. I did the very next day.. moved out to my sisters.
> 
> We texted each other for a while. I was still mad and hurt, thinking he was laughing at me that night. He said he didn't even hear me, was watching tv and all of a sudden I freaked out. I realized that I was completely wrong, had been drinking... reacted out of emotion and not reality. At the same time, he pretty much refused to answer my texts once I left. He even told me a few days ago that he only told me he was thinking about us getting back together to hurt me because he hates fighting and wanted me to stop. I don't like fighting either. But it has happened, because of me, 2 or 3 times since we lived there. He refuses to say anything and I demand answers... yes, Im in the wrong.
> 
> I saw him yesterday to get the rest of my stuff from his house. He told me that he loves me but fighting is exhausting to him. Doesn't matter if its 1 time, 2 times or 3 times in 6 months. I told him that I don't like fighting either. That I need him to hear me too.. that while I've always supported him when he's sick, I won't treat him special because he's sick. He still has the ability to be their for me too. He told me, if we are meant to be together, we will find our way back to each other.
> 
> So today, I decided to be strong, and let him go if thats what he needs. He texted me about a cheque that was at his house for me so I told him a time I'd be there. I went there grabbed the cheque, said thank you, and left... I got home an hour later to a text that says "I've been thinking and maybe you are right. I didn't try everything to save our relationship. Maybe we can try couples councilling and save our family". Like I said earlier, this is the first time in the last year he's even been willing to give our relationship a go, let alone asking for councilling. I told him to make sure its what he really wants because if it isn't, it won't work anyways. He told me it is, he's been thinking about it a lot the last couple days and he really wants to try. I told him I will wait until monday and if he hasn't changed his mind, I will make an appointment.
> 
> So we aren't together, I confirmed, but we are going to work on it. We both agreed to not see other people, which neither of us has done anyways, and that we will give it 100% effort. Whatever happens, will happen... its the best I can hope for right now.
> 
> I know we sound pretty disfunctional from the outside, but we were happy for 11 out of our 14 years (3 together plus 1 separated unhappy). We are a young couple, 30 & 36, not only fighting the "high school sweetheart" stigma but also dealing with a lifelong, chronic illness. I have to think that, after all we have dealt with already, we'll make it through this too. Nothing is guaranteed, but we've made it through so much already that if anyone can do it, we can do it too.


Girl if this ain't me and my H minus the health issues. Yes, get to. reading and listening really hard at what you read and hear. That's how I'm coping and growing. I don't know where"we" stand other than"friends" BUT i know where I am ...and that's really a big part of my issues, ME ! I Think You May Find Out There Same...get busy lady...the rollercoaster doesn't drop you as hard from this side...The side that says, I want this;but I don't NEED this. The side that knows things may not go my way;BUT the fact that it may not does not consume or control me ,my mind, or my motives. ITS NOT EASY , NotEZ !!! Not for me anyway ; but its worth ot to ME, to do it for me. For my present and future relationships and friendships. This is what I need. Once we rebuild, restructure, and redefine US. I think we'll be much better off.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> SMy H has been acting real different since our latest episode with the hbp. I've not stayed in my own home in 2 almost three weeks. He tells me what h e wants for lunch and supper....well i won't type all those lil details but things are too similiar to me as to before we split. Everything except no fussing and all that. I'm comfortable ; but agitated at the same time. At what point can i bring up us? Why doesn't he bring. up us ? The opportunity is arriving for me to be able to do a complete relocation. I do still want to re locate. I have a job there now...ugghhh decisions. Our work schedules are conflicting some. I see him for maybe three hours out of the day. Leaving maybe one full hour to talk and "stuff"...
> I don't want him to take it the wrong way if I leave. Buttt i don't even know if he cares. He still hasn't talked to me about us. Idk...i just don't know with this dude...


The time away from each other is not going to be good for you guys. What are his options for getting transferred to another shift where you guys can spend some more time together?

If you leave without asking him to come with you, he can only take it one way..."my W is moving on and doesn't want me anymore". Is that the message you want to send?

What do you want to ask him about "us"? Why are you agitated? Is this sex related or about the relationship?


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Oh and guess what? I finished reading two books last night. I was tired and the tears just kept coming and I just kept reading. I finally fell asleep on my own and dreamed of how the day should have been so much more different. Patience, my dear friend, what a wonder you are to me.


I am so pleased for you that you've finally managed to get to sleep on your own  what r the 2 books you're reading at the moment? 
It sounds a lot like you are doing 180 on your h without you realising it! One thing though, I would not use your daughter as a something that he is missing out on because he's left. He's left you, not your daughter. Keep your plans private from him by all means, but however much it hurts you, you cannot keep your daughter away from him. I understand when you say he needs to make the effort to see her. 
How I've been doing it is we make arrangements for my h to pick my son up after church on Sunday. I then leave it in his court. It's then up to him whether he keeps to the arrangements or not. He was umming and ahhing about it today, so I just said to him well let me know what you want to do. Hope this helps 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotEZ

Tron said:


> NotEZ,
> 
> You need to stop reacting to everything and get control of your emotions.
> 
> When you feel injured, take a few deep breaths, stay in control and express your anger/hurt in a calm and constructive way..."you know when you (fill in the blank), it made me feel (insert emotion)." Then let him talk.
> 
> Your explosions are killing your H's love for you and killing your M.


Yes Tron, I am absolutely aware of this. Its something I've been working on but I, obviously, still have a ways to go. I've been trying CBT to try and gain control of my emotions. 

I've been doing so much better than I had been, but at this point even once is too much for him. I've made an appointment to go back and see my IC, who I haven't seen in a couple months. 

I absolutely do not want to ruin the chance he has given us.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Ok, so I am now going to tell this whole story... including the parts that kept me from talking about it before.
> 
> Everything was great when H was in the hospital. We texted the entire time, I was there almost every night with the girls. It seemed so normal to me. Like the last few months had been when we were at home... but he always wanted us to be "friends". He seemed to think that we could live life like we always had together but "not being together" meant our conflicts would never enter the picture. He was wrong. I tried the best I knew how too, but it drove me nuts. I'd be great for so long and then I'd snap because it drove me nuts that we did everything as a couple but he'd use us not being together to not be there for me emotionally.
> 
> Thats always been the problem with us. He keeps EVERYTHING inside. He hates conflict of any kind, will never express himself in any way, and believes it shows weakness to do anything but. Me, on the other hand, is someone who has to express themself. Has to be heard, has to talk things through, and has to have someone talk to me about themself to really connect.
> 
> I felt, a lot of the time, that he was essentially cake eating. Getting to live life as a family, having his best friend by his side, but having the built in excuse of "not being together" to avoid the part of the relationship he was uncomfortable with. I pushed him on it many times, probably not the right thing to do, but I couldn't help it (big time work to do still lol). Everything would be great, then I'd change it. No matter what happened, no matter how close we'd get, we aren't together was always the answer.
> 
> Now, in a lot of cases, another person might be the case. In mine, it truly was impossible. He can't work, he watches the kids all day long and stayed in all night. Literally went out twice the entire 6 months we were there. He doesn't even have a computer, so no internet/email buddies, and left his cell phone (no home phone) out all the time because we all used it. He did everything for us. He is the most amazing cook, would give me massages every night because my shoulders were always bad... everything but give us a chance.
> 
> So, he gets out of the hospital... as soon as I get home from work he says I thought you washed all these blankets already. Me, being exhausted, took it as a criticism and flipped... it was during that discussion that he had said that he had been thinking about trying again with me while he was in the hospital but that this is what makes it seem impossible. He says something, I take it wrong... an argument. It hasn't always been that way, it just is now. We have zero communication. We don't know how to speak to each other. We are so good in every way except for when it comes to disagreements. And it is usually my complaint, since he rarely says anything about anything (a huge problem in itself).
> 
> So, we put this disagreement behind us, everything is fine. Here is me thinking... he actually thought about it. Thats so much more than I've gotten yet. Fast forward, the night we get into a fight (more like, I get into an argument), I had plans to go out for the day. Told him I would be back early because I wanted the four of us to have a movie night. He says great. I came home, we watched a movie everything was good. The kids went to sleep and I, trying to start something, told him I loved him. He started laughing... and I got pissed off. Started a huge argument about how sick of this I am, his games,etc .... I had been drinking (not usual). He told me if I feel that way, I should leave. I did the very next day.. moved out to my sisters.
> 
> We texted each other for a while. I was still mad and hurt, thinking he was laughing at me that night. He said he didn't even hear me, was watching tv and all of a sudden I freaked out. I realized that I was completely wrong, had been drinking... reacted out of emotion and not reality. At the same time, he pretty much refused to answer my texts once I left. He even told me a few days ago that he only told me he was thinking about us getting back together to hurt me because he hates fighting and wanted me to stop. I don't like fighting either. But it has happened, because of me, 2 or 3 times since we lived there. He refuses to say anything and I demand answers... yes, Im in the wrong.
> 
> I saw him yesterday to get the rest of my stuff from his house. He told me that he loves me but fighting is exhausting to him. Doesn't matter if its 1 time, 2 times or 3 times in 6 months. I told him that I don't like fighting either. That I need him to hear me too.. that while I've always supported him when he's sick, I won't treat him special because he's sick. He still has the ability to be their for me too. He told me, if we are meant to be together, we will find our way back to each other.
> 
> So today, I decided to be strong, and let him go if thats what he needs. He texted me about a cheque that was at his house for me so I told him a time I'd be there. I went there grabbed the cheque, said thank you, and left... I got home an hour later to a text that says "I've been thinking and maybe you are right. I didn't try everything to save our relationship. Maybe we can try couples councilling and save our family". Like I said earlier, this is the first time in the last year he's even been willing to give our relationship a go, let alone asking for councilling. I told him to make sure its what he really wants because if it isn't, it won't work anyways. He told me it is, he's been thinking about it a lot the last couple days and he really wants to try. I told him I will wait until monday and if he hasn't changed his mind, I will make an appointment.
> 
> So we aren't together, I confirmed, but we are going to work on it. We both agreed to not see other people, which neither of us has done anyways, and that we will give it 100% effort. Whatever happens, will happen... its the best I can hope for right now.
> 
> I know we sound pretty disfunctional from the outside, but we were happy for 11 out of our 14 years (3 together plus 1 separated unhappy). We are a young couple, 30 & 36, not only fighting the "high school sweetheart" stigma but also dealing with a lifelong, chronic illness. I have to think that, after all we have dealt with already, we'll make it through this too. Nothing is guaranteed, but we've made it through so much already that if anyone can do it, we can do it too.


Girl if this ain't me and my H minus the health issues. Yes, get to. reading and listening really hard at what you read and hear. That's how I'm coping and growing. I don't know where"we" stand other than"friends" BUT i know where I am ...and that's really a big part of my issues, ME ! I Think You May Find Out There Same...get busy lady...the rollercoaster doesn't drop you as hard from this side...The side that says, I want this;but I don't NEED this. The side that knows things may not go my way;BUT the fact that it may not does not consume or control me ,my mind, or my motives. ITS NOT EASY , NotEZ !!! Not for me anyway ; but its worth ot to ME, to do it for me. For my present and future relationships and friendships. This is what I need. Once we rebuild, restructure, and redefine US. I think we'll be much better off.


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## Tron

NotEZ said:


> Yes Tron, I am absolutely aware of this. Its something I've been working on but I, obviously, still have a ways to go. I've been trying CBT to try and gain control of my emotions.
> 
> I've been doing so much better than I had been, but at this point even once is too much for him. I've made an appointment to go back and see my IC, who I haven't seen in a couple months.
> 
> I absolutely do not want to ruin the chance he has given us.


People can only stand so much. And when they reach the limit, they reach the limit. Sometimes you can take a break and recharge...but after a while when things just don't seem to change they will give up.

Keep on trying. Just gotta do the best you can do. :smthumbup:


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> NotEZ,
> 
> You need to stop reacting to everything and get control of your emotions.
> 
> When you feel injured, take a few deep breaths, stay in control and express your anger/hurt in a calm and constructive way..."you know when you (fill in the blank), it made me feel (insert emotion)." Then let him talk.
> 
> Your explosions are killing your H's love for you and killing your M.


Listen to him (Tron )NotEz... the man knows his isshhh. I have seen a drastic difference not only in H ; but in my life since I've stopped reacting to certain things. Yeaeehhh i've had a relapse or two but its made me all the more motivated to not react in the next situation. . I've got a wayyssss to go. But not reacting and rejecting is what im learning to tackle now. It's tough but we can do it!


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> The time away from each other is not going to be good for you guys. What are his options for getting transferred to another shift where you guys can spend some more time together?
> 
> If you leave without asking him to come with you, he can only take it one way..."my W is moving on and doesn't want me anymore". Is that the message you want to send?
> 
> What do you want to ask him about "us"? Why are you agitated? Is this sex related or about the relationship?


Its about the relationship. Lol ... he can't change shifts and i just got started. I can opt to take a later shift (uggggggghhhhhhh....hate second shift ) Buttt that would give us mornings together....but heck we'd probably just be sleep. He gets off late now and me trying to make time for us is exhausting me. And im starting to think like what's the use of me being here. He's not here with us the majority of the time. This was even before i went to work. Because he goes to work at 2:30 p.m.and doesn't make it home until 12:40 a.m. Commute time included..he too works out of town. I'm just agitated. ..idk. because we just dilly dallying along like all is well, knowing good and well its not. This is kind of those times as H calls them" you just wanna argue". I really don't ;butthat's how. I connect talking,planning ,knowing...this man still is not talking about US ... i want to...


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## catch22gofigure

I kinda figured that about the move Tron. See...he acts or at least that's what I read sometimes like if I move closer to our jobs...he'll be wanting to come along too. That would be a good thing. BUT! !!! The man doesn't talk, so idk if what I think, is right or wrong. ThEN!! There's the book ,Co dependence No More...REALLY it's not good that I wait on what will make me happy..forrrr someone else's happiness. So again Catch22 ,what do I do ? It's like he's gotten comfortable again too. At the same time, it's still like he's waving screaming ...you go first about asking to be back together. He simple like that. But I can't/ won't do that. He is the one that left and got us here. ..at least im doing the ground work. Im not doing that...un unhhh


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I am so pleased for you that you've finally managed to get to sleep on your own  what r the 2 books you're reading at the moment?
> It sounds a lot like you are doing 180 on your h without you realising it! One thing though, I would not use your daughter as a something that he is missing out on because he's left. He's left you, not your daughter. Keep your plans private from him by all means, but however much it hurts you, you cannot keep your daughter away from him. I understand when you say he needs to make the effort to see her.
> How I've been doing it is we make arrangements for my h to pick my son up after church on Sunday. I then leave it in his court. It's then up to him whether he keeps to the arrangements or not. He was umming and ahhing about it today, so I just said to him well let me know what you want to do. Hope this helps
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey Lost !!!


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey Lost !!!


Hey catch! I've had a busy day today. Went to college, went on the computer when I got home and had to switch it off again when h came round. My son came home and we had to go straight out again to youth club. Only had chance to catch up with one post on the way when I was on the bus and now I'm on my way home. Will have to catch up with you guys later 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I kinda figured that about the move Tron. See...he acts or at least that's what I read sometimes like if I move closer to our jobs...he'll be wanting to come along too. That would be a good thing. BUT! !!! The man doesn't talk, so idk if what I think, is right or wrong. ThEN!! There's the book ,Co dependence No More...REALLY it's not good that I wait on what will make me happy..forrrr someone else's happiness. So again Catch22 ,what do I do ? It's like he's gotten comfortable again too. At the same time, it's still like he's waving screaming ...you go first about asking to be back together. He simple like that. But I can't/ won't do that. He is the one that left and got us here. ..at least im doing the ground work. Im not doing that...un unhhh


Catch, 

This isn't you against your H...he did this...he did that! You guys are a couple, just in case you forgot.

Here: "Honey, the commutes for both of us are the suck right now. Would you like for me to find us a place to live closer to where we work so that we can spend more time together?"


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> This isn't you against your H...he did this...he did that! You guys are a couple, just in case you forgot.
> 
> Here: "Honey, the commutes for both of us are the suck right now. Would you like for me to find us a place to live closer to where we work so that we can spend more time together?"


Ok , okayyyy...ugghhh !! Why does the thought of doing this scare the ****ens out of me ?? :scratchhead:


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok , okayyyy...ugghhh !! Why does the thought of doing this scare the ****ens out of me ?? :scratchhead:


Are you afraid he might say no?

He very well might at first. If he says no, try again in a week. Except next time..."we were getting so close spending all that time together the past couple of months. Now we see each other for 5 minutes a day and I miss you...isn't there anything we can do?" 

You can do this if you want to Catch. Don't nag, don't *****. Work it carefully and with a purpose.


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## NotEZ

Tron said:


> People can only stand so much. And when they reach the limit, they reach the limit. Sometimes you can take a break and recharge...but after a while when things just don't seem to change they will give up.
> 
> Keep on trying. Just gotta do the best you can do. :smthumbup:


You know, I'm really scared. Its like, as soon as he said he wants to try... I don't know how to act. I avoid texting him, I don't know how to be with him. I'm scared of pushing him away and I'm scared of being close enough to him that I do "react" to something.

The difference between this last 6 months and before he left is huge... I've still exploded a couple times, but not like before. The times it has, I catch myself shortly after, and feel like an idiot, BUT its still happens at times. I got to the point where I found a way to control most of it, but there are still times it happens BEFORE I even realize what I'm doing. 

The worst part is I KNOW its all in my control, I just don't know HOW. It has nothing to do with him, its all about me... I know this. Im almost wondering now, if it isn't better to just let him go until I can figure it out so that he doesn't get hurt in the meantime.

Its just crazy to think about because I know how much I love him. I know how much I WANT to never have it happen again. I also know that, in that moment, I don't feel I have the control that I do. I don't KNOW that I can promise it won't happen at this point in time, no matter how much I want to say it never will.

I'm a happy person. 98% of the time we are happy. I can get mad or be disappointed without ever raising my voice or ever making a big deal out of it. But every once in a while, I let it become too much... those are the times I lose control and those are the times that I ruin everything. And, HE doesn't even do anything or say anything to actually upset me. I do it all to myself. 

I can't wait to see my councillor again... Ive spent so much time worrying about "us" that I forgot to REALLY deal with me. I actually thought thats what I had been doing all along. But now that he's giving it a chance, I realize its me that I've been scared of all along.


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## Tron

NotEZ,

Anger

Fear

Have you explored these much in IC?


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## NotEZ

Tron said:


> NotEZ,
> 
> Anger
> 
> Fear
> 
> Have you explored these much in IC?


No. The more I think about it, the more I realize my IC didn't really help me with much of anything. She played more the role of a friend, listening to me cry about my "situation". I went to 7 sessions with her and I don't remember her even questioning me about me aside from how are you doing.

The improvements I did make were done on my own. Reading, following CBT, that sort of thing. But Im realizing now, there is so much going on inside of me that I can't sort through on my own. I think I even know where the feelings come from, but being conscious of it and dealing with it are two different things.

I'm going to call a few different places now, see if I can't find someone who will actually explore these things with me. I was set up with my first councillor through the EAP program at work. It was great to have her to talk to in the beginning, but its short term councilling for a reason. I didn't get anything out of it that I can carry with me now or in the future.


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## Finding Nemo

NotEZ said:


> No. The more I think about it, the more I realize my IC didn't really help me with much of anything. She played more the role of a friend, listening to me cry about my "situation". I went to 7 sessions with her and I don't remember her even questioning me about me aside from how are you doing.
> 
> The improvements I did make were done on my own. Reading, following CBT, that sort of thing. But Im realizing now, there is so much going on inside of me that I can't sort through on my own. I think I even know where the feelings come from, but being conscious of it and dealing with it are two different things.
> 
> I'm going to call a few different places now, see if I can't find someone who will actually explore these things with me. I was set up with my first councillor through the EAP program at work. It was great to have her to talk to in the beginning, but its short term councilling for a reason. I didn't get anything out of it that I can carry with me now or in the future.



Definitely find a new IC. I hated to leave mine, but after paying a lot of money, a person gets tired of hearing...Yep. This is a tough one. No duh!! If it were easy I wouldn't be in your office asking for help. Help me for heaven's sake. Give me an idea of what to do. Recommend something to read. Something I can say. Something I could do. Anything but sit there and repeat what I just paid to tell you. Sigh. Good luck with your new one. I have one now that my husband and I used to see together. She did everything in her power to help me to be able to pay for her service. She's one that cracks the whip and beats you with an 8x8 rather than a 2x4. I need tough love sometimes.


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## Finding Nemo

Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? I got a job!! It's not the job I really, really wanted, but it will put food on the table and give us spending money. It's super early hours so I can keep my other part time job, too. This will help ensure that I have pay coming in every week and I won't have to worry so much about taking care of my daughter. I couldn't live on my own yet, but I am only getting started. I don't get to start for about 2 weeks because the district manager in charge is going on vacation for a week. In the meanwhile I have to go and take a drug test and they will run a background test. I have a bunch of reading to do as well. Thank you guys for all of the positive thoughts and prayers.


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## NotEZ

Finding Nemo said:


> Definitely find a new IC. I hated to leave mine, but after paying a lot of money, a person gets tired of hearing...Yep. This is a tough one. No duh!! If it were easy I wouldn't be in your office asking for help. Help me for heaven's sake. Give me an idea of what to do. Recommend something to read. Something I can say. Something I could do. Anything but sit there and repeat what I just paid to tell you. Sigh. Good luck with your new one. I have one now that my husband and I used to see together. She did everything in her power to help me to be able to pay for her service. She's one that cracks the whip and beats you with an 8x8 rather than a 2x4. I need tough love sometimes.



Yup, this is what I need. If I could figure it out on my own, I would not be asking for your help in the first place. I need someone who is going to help me sort myself out and give me the tools to be the person I should be, the person that I know I am.


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## NotEZ

Finding Nemo said:


> Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? I got a job!! It's not the job I really, really wanted, but it will put food on the table and give us spending money. It's super early hours so I can keep my other part time job, too. This will help ensure that I have pay coming in every week and I won't have to worry so much about taking care of my daughter. I couldn't live on my own yet, but I am only getting started. I don't get to start for about 2 weeks because the district manager in charge is going on vacation for a week. In the meanwhile I have to go and take a drug test and they will run a background test. I have a bunch of reading to do as well. Thank you guys for all of the positive thoughts and prayers.


Congratulations Nemo.. thats great news.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? I got a job!! It's not the job I really, really wanted, but it will put food on the table and give us spending money. It's super early hours so I can keep my other part time job, too. This will help ensure that I have pay coming in every week and I won't have to worry so much about taking care of my daughter. I couldn't live on my own yet, but I am only getting started. I don't get to start for about 2 weeks because the district manager in charge is going on vacation for a week. In the meanwhile I have to go and take a drug test and they will run a background test. I have a bunch of reading to do as well. Thank you guys for all of the positive thoughts and prayers.


Well done Nemo, I'm so pleased for you


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## lostwithouthim

Hey guys  I've got a friend staying with me at the mo, I've told her about this website so she might be able to pop on to say hi. She's going through marriage problems as well and she's staying with me for a few days to give them both space. It's also taking my mind off my problems and it's great to have some adult female company for a change


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Well done Nemo, I'm so pleased for you



I took a huge chance and I waited to find out if I was going to get a different job before accepting this job. When I called the guy this morning he nearly jumped for joy that I accepted. He said he was glad to know the position was filled and he won't have to worry about it while he goes on vacation. 

I wish I was going on vacation to where he is going. I wish I could drag, push or pull my husband there, too. He said he has friend who is a minister and he has 200 and some odd acres of land. He has been using his land for individual / couple retreats to help people / couples to grow. There's no set plan. You kind of set up your plan as you go along. You go on a horse back ride or in a covered wagon to various parts of the land and then you spend the day there. You might be picnicking for breakfast beside a river or lake or you might have lunch under the trees in a part of a meadow. Then you return back to the main house for dinner and to go to sleep. 

Knowing all of this ...would it make you wonder why it took him over two hours to conduct the interview. He talked, and talked, and talked.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey guys  I've got a friend staying with me at the mo, I've told her about this website so she might be able to pop on to say hi. She's going through marriage problems as well and she's staying with me for a few days to give them both space. It's also taking my mind off my problems and it's great to have some adult female company for a change


Hi Friend!! :yay: ( Waves really high and hard so you can see me from all the way over there )


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## ThereIsAlwaysHope

Hi Guys, This is Lost's friend here  Lost has just registered with TAM and I wanted to come on here and tell you my story as you seem a bunch of non judging Christians who want to reconciliate with their spouses.
I joined this forum because I want to meet people who are going through similar experiences to myself and I like to be able to help other people by sharing my story and hopefully you will be able to give me good advice.
I've been married for 4 years. I am still living with my H, but we've agreed to have a temporary separation. It's difficult whilst we are living under the same roof, which is why Lost kindly invited me to stay with her for a few days to get a bit of thinking space for both of us 
My husband has had 2 affairs and I have taken him back despite this. As a Christian I think Marriage is sacred and should not be destroyed.
I'd like to be able to trust him again, but I'm finding this hard to cope with. My H is adamant that he is not having an affair, but he goes out for long periods of time during the day and doesn't come home until about 10pm. He told me he was going to see his son, but I saw his son's girlfriend in town and she said that he hasn't been round there. 
When I confronted my H about this, he said he was seeing an old school friend and he didn't tell me as he thought that I wouldn't believe him as I haven't got much trust at the moment. 
He's been out of work for 2 years due to depression and struggles to get a job because he still pays maintenance for his son and has arrears as well. I claim disability benefits due to severe anxiety and depression. I've been trying to get a job, but when I went into the job centre the other day, I had a panic attack and broke down. They told me they understood and I wasn't fit to work.
My H doesn't understand my anxiety and depression and wants me to go out more and do more things. I've not been very supportive with him being out of work as well and this has been part of the problem. We are under each other's feet a lot with no space to ourselves and this has put a strain on our marriage.
We still love each other dearly, but we both can't see a way forward with the marriage. Lost doesn't want us to split up and this is why she's encouraged me to join TAM, hoping for some good advice from you guys


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## Finding Nemo

ThereIsAlwaysHope said:


> My H is adamant that he is not having an affair, but he goes out for long periods of time during the day and doesn't come home until about 10pm. He told me he was going to see his son, but I saw his son's girlfriend in town and she said that he hasn't been round there.
> When I confronted my H about this, he said he was seeing an old school friend and he didn't tell me as he thought that I wouldn't believe him as I haven't got much trust at the moment.




I know a few others will jump in with better advice for you, but I wanted to share with you my thoughts based on experience...I pulled out the part the rings familiar to me. How does your husband expect you to get better about trusting if he is going to continue to deceive you? I don't care if he has gone to the moon and back. Trying to "SPARE YOUR FEELINGS" or "SKIRTING THE TRUTH" is not going to spare you or your feelings nor is it going to keep him out of the doghouse. If he wants you to feel safe then he needs to do what ever it takes to make you feel safe. If he isn't doing anything wrong then he needs to honest about his whereabouts and if you ask questions, he doesn't get to get defensive. He needs to just "TALK" to you. Communication and honesty is the two priorities that need to take presidence if there is to be any kind of recovery. It is possible to recover, but not if there isn't 100% honesty on both of your parts.


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## Tron

Thereisalwayshope,

Cheaters lie. Do not trust a word he tells you unless it is confirmed.

And you have to find out what he is up to. Go to the Coping With Infidelity forum and start reading about how to start investigating. 

I am sure there are going to be lots of red flags and you won't have to search too hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Are you afraid he might say no?
> 
> He very well might at first. If he says no, try again in a week. Except next time..."we were getting so close spending all that time together the past couple of months. Now we see each other for 5 minutes a day and I miss you...isn't there anything we can do?"
> 
> You can do this if you want to Catch. Don't nag, don't *****. Work it carefully and with a purpose.


Yes that's exactly what I'm scared of. Because if he says no, i can't promise I won't react. Like ok...to heck with it, I'm not what he wants. Detach and move on...I've just never envisioned myself begging a man. That's the feeling i get on the inside. I'm even thinking now about he won't talk about us ?? Idk..but i do have a appt first week of next month for another counselor. ..something about that other lady just doesn't sit well with me


----------



## catch22gofigure

ThereIsAlwaysHope said:


> Hi Guys, This is Lost's friend here  Lost has just registered with TAM and I wanted to come on here and tell you my story as you seem a bunch of non judging Christians who want to reconciliate with their spouses.
> I joined this forum because I want to meet people who are going through similar experiences to myself and I like to be able to help other people by sharing my story and hopefully you will be able to give me good advice.
> I've been married for 4 years. I am still living with my H, but we've agreed to have a temporary separation. It's difficult whilst we are living under the same roof, which is why Lost kindly invited me to stay with her for a few days to get a bit of thinking space for both of us
> My husband has had 2 affairs and I have taken him back despite this. As a Christian I think Marriage is sacred and should not be destroyed.
> I'd like to be able to trust him again, but I'm finding this hard to cope with. My H is adamant that he is not having an affair, but he goes out for long periods of time during the day and doesn't come home until about 10pm. He told me he was going to see his son, but I saw his son's girlfriend in town and she said that he hasn't been round there.
> When I confronted my H about this, he said he was seeing an old school friend and he didn't tell me as he thought that I wouldn't believe him as I haven't got much trust at the moment.
> He's been out of work for 2 years due to depression and struggles to get a job because he still pays maintenance for his son and has arrears as well. I claim disability benefits due to severe anxiety and depression. I've been trying to get a job, but when I went into the job centre the other day, I had a panic attack and broke down. They told me they understood and I wasn't fit to work.
> My H doesn't understand my anxiety and depression and wants me to go out more and do more things. I've not been very supportive with him being out of work as well and this has been part of the problem. We are under each other's feet a lot with no space to ourselves and this has put a strain on our marriage.
> We still love each other dearly, but we both can't see a way forward with the marriage. Lost doesn't want us to split up and this is why she's encouraged me to join TAM, hoping for some good advice from you guys


Awww well we're glad to have you. Sorry youre having troubles ;but we're all trying to work through them together. So join the crowd. I know all too well what you're going through anxiety and depression aye two things that have been a thorn in my marriage. too. I'm working on it though little by little. Did Lost tell you thatby joining here you've also joined a book club ?? Jk...but there are some books we're reading that. may get you headed in the right direction. Are you reading anything more ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey guys  I've got a friend staying with me at the mo, I've told her about this website so she might be able to pop on to say hi. She's going through marriage problems as well and she's staying with me for a few days to give them both space. It's also taking my mind off my problems and it's great to have some adult female company for a change


A friend of yours is a friend of mine Lost, thanks for bringing her here. Everyone needs someone in times like these. I cant imagine going through this without you all..


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes that's exactly what I'm scared of. Because if he says no, i can't promise I won't react. Like ok...to heck with it, I'm not what he wants. Detach and move on...I've just never envisioned myself begging a man. That's the feeling i get on the inside. I'm even thinking now about he won't talk about us ?? Idk..but i do have a appt first week of next month for another counselor. ..something about that other lady just doesn't sit well with me


You catch more flies with honey.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I took a huge chance and I waited to find out if I was going to get a different job before accepting this job. When I called the guy this morning he nearly jumped for joy that I accepted. He said he was glad to know the position was filled and he won't have to worry about it while he goes on vacation.
> 
> I wish I was going on vacation to where he is going. I wish I could drag, push or pull my husband there, too. He said he has friend who is a minister and he has 200 and some odd acres of land. He has been using his land for individual / couple retreats to help people / couples to grow. There's no set plan. You kind of set up your plan as you go along. You go on a horse back ride or in a covered wagon to various parts of the land and then you spend the day there. You might be picnicking for breakfast beside a river or lake or you might have lunch under the trees in a part of a meadow. Then you return back to the main house for dinner and to go to sleep.
> 
> Knowing all of this ...would it make you wonder why it took him over two hours to conduct the interview. He talked, and talked, and talked.


Yaayy !!! You did it !! So happy for ya hun !! congrats !!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You catch more flies with honey.


Well I've heard that expression before and understand it. How does it relate to my situation ,though. You know imma lil remedial Tron , help a sista out. .lol


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes that's exactly what I'm scared of. Because if he says no, i can't promise I won't react. Like ok...to heck with it, I'm not what he wants. Detach and move on...I've just never envisioned myself begging a man. That's the feeling i get on the inside. I'm even thinking now about he won't talk about us ?? Idk..but i do have a appt first week of next month for another counselor. ..something about that other lady just doesn't sit well with me


IDK, but H may have the need for it to be "his" idea before he goes along with it.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> You know, I'm really scared. Its like, as soon as he said he wants to try... I don't know how to act. I avoid texting him, I don't know how to be with him. I'm scared of pushing him away and I'm scared of being close enough to him that I do "react" to something.
> 
> The difference between this last 6 months and before he left is huge... I've still exploded a couple times, but not like before. The times it has, I catch myself shortly after, and feel like an idiot, BUT its still happens at times. I got to the point where I found a way to control most of it, but there are still times it happens BEFORE I even realize what I'm doing.
> 
> The worst part is I KNOW its all in my control, I just don't know HOW. It has nothing to do with him, its all about me... I know this. Im almost wondering now, if it isn't better to just let him go until I can figure it out so that he doesn't get hurt in the meantime.
> 
> Its just crazy to think about because I know how much I love him. I know how much I WANT to never have it happen again. I also know that, in that moment, I don't feel I have the control that I do. I don't KNOW that I can promise it won't happen at this point in time, no matter how much I want to say it never will.
> 
> I'm a happy person. 98% of the time we are happy. I can get mad or be disappointed without ever raising my voice or ever making a big deal out of it. But every once in a while, I let it become too much... those are the times I lose control and those are the times that I ruin everything. And, HE doesn't even do anything or say anything to actually upset me. I do it all to myself.
> 
> I can't wait to see my councillor again... Ive spent so much time worrying about "us" that I forgot to REALLY deal with me. I actually thought thats what I had been doing all along. But now that he's giving it a chance, I realize its me that I've been scared of all along.


We are sooo twins on this one. ..


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Well I've heard that expression before and understand it. How does it relate to my situation ,though. You know imma lil remedial Tron , help a sista out. .lol


Sweet, thoughtful, kind, attentive....good.

Angry, explosive, argumentative, mean.....bad.

But you knew that already.


----------



## ThereIsAlwaysHope

catch22gofigure said:


> Awww well we're glad to have you. Sorry youre having troubles ;but we're all trying to work through them together. So join the crowd. I know all too well what you're going through anxiety and depression aye two things that have been a thorn in my marriage. too. I'm working on it though little by little. Did Lost tell you thatby joining here you've also joined a book club ?? Jk...but there are some books we're reading that. may get you headed in the right direction. Are you reading anything more ?


Lost is lending me some of her book that she's read  I'll chat to you all in more depth another night, but Lost has given me a few glasses of wine, lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Sweet, thoughtful, kind, attentive....good.
> 
> Angry, explosive, argumentative, mean.....bad.
> 
> But you knew that already.


Ok just needed to clarify. But I've not been on the bad side lately i don't think. I guess I'm just questioning things again. Like is it worth all that I think about and deal with...even outside of my own issues. He's gotten reeeaaaalll comfortable again. Ok I'm working again now...i make sure he has dinner when he gets off. Wouldn't it only be right to expect him to have something taken out to cook when i get off ? This is the kind of stuff i would fuss about when we were together. The "little" things. So i'm quite upset that t there's nothing. quick to fix to eat today, i don't want to go to the s tore, so im really forced to wait until the meat unthaws to cook and eat. But it was only a couple of weeks ago he was fixing breakfast, lunch, and dinner...happily. where s that dude ? He thinks he's in here like a new year...but uhhh. What about thinking about me ? I'm doing all I can to make the best of this...but does he not have to do anything while I "work on me ?" Idk , maybe marriage is not for me. Not whining 
I just don't think I'll ever be to yhe point where I can just overlook all of these "little things" and pretend. its ok, just to keep the peace for him. I'm still reading my book. ..so that's whyI'm. kinda like...just maybe he is one of these people that is supposed to be removed from my life. That's where my turmoil lies today. I'm going back home tommorw. What's the use of staying here. He's not here when I'm here since im working now. So imma gonna chill at home. this weekend, reflect on some things and revamp my plans now that I'm working again. Im gonna let him know this evening when he gets off. Hopefully he'll understand and not get upset. I just have a LOT on my plate right now.


----------



## catch22gofigure

ThereIsAlwaysHope said:


> Lost is lending me some of her book that she's read  I'll chat to you all in more depth another night, but Lost has given me a few glasses of wine, lol


Her and that wine !! Lol, lemme guess she's well on her way to handing you a Valerian too...lmbo !:lol:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> IDK, but H may have the need for it to be "his" idea before he goes along with it.


You hit the nail on the head !! He's one of those kind of people. And I'm the type that likes makin my own decisions...so we bump heads on the stupidest stuff !! Like , its shorter to go this way or that..just dumb stuff


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Her and that wine !! Lol, lemme guess she's well on her way to handing you a Valerian too...lmbo !:lol:



Look out for the aromatherapy, too...that'll get you into trouble every time. :rofl: 

We love you Lost and we are so happy you are our friend. :butterfly:


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Look out for the aromatherapy, too...that'll get you into trouble every time. :rofl:
> 
> We love you Lost and we are so happy you are our friend. :butterfly:


:rofl: yupp !!


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Her and that wine !! Lol, lemme guess she's well on her way to handing you a Valerian too...lmbo !:lol:


rofl Catch! That's exactly what I did! And she said the valerian really helped, so ner 
lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Look out for the aromatherapy, too...that'll get you into trouble every time. :rofl:
> 
> We love you Lost and we are so happy you are our friend. :butterfly:


Aww I love guys too mwah :x
Actually I've not yet told her about the aromatherapy, though I did give her a pedicure tonight 
Waxing tomorrow, hehe. That's what you get for staying with a friend who is a nearly qualified beautician


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Aww I love guys too mwah :x
> Actually I've not yet told her about the aromatherapy, though I did give her a pedicure tonight
> Waxing tomorrow, hehe. That's what you get for staying with a friend who is a nearly qualified beautician


Oooh yeah...i'd love living near you Lost !! A good friend you are indeed. Im sure this will do wonders for her emotions at a time like this too.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> rofl Catch! That's exactly what I did! And she said the valerian really helped, so ner
> lol


I knew it !!! I was trying to find something for anxiety, you holler Valerian. I think it was Nemo who couldn't get to sleep , i already knew you were gonna scream Valerian..its all good though. Hey if it works, im for it ,especially all natural stuff.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I knew it !!! I was trying to find something for anxiety, you holler Valerian. I think it was Nemo who couldn't get to sleep , i already knew you were gonna scream Valerian..its all good though. Hey if it works, im for it ,especially all natural stuff.


Yep..it's me that can't sleep. In fact, here I am .. wide awake.  I swore to my self that I was going to do everything I can to try and get some good sleep tonight. I took a really hot bath, drank some sleepy time tea, I ate a healthy dinner, I've had no caffeine or sugar..and I was all prepared to lay in the bed reading until I fell asleep. My kitty was laying beside me purring and sleeping. My doggy was laying on the floor beside the bed..sleeping and dreaming. I was well on my way to sleep when all of a sudden...Bring! Bring! Bring! My phone is ringing off the wall waking everyone up. My phone only rings if it my family or my husband so I knew I had better get up and answer it. Wanna guess who it was? Yep...it was husband and he was calling to tell me that he was thinking of me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I didn't send my nightly email of what I had done for the day last night so he wanted to make sure I was okay. He said he and our daughter were moon gazing and they wanted to ask me to step outside and moon gaze with them while they were on the phone. This is something we have done as a family on numerous occasions. So...I got out of bed and went to the back yard to gaze at the moon with my family. 

A person would think that I could come back in and go back to sleep, but no. Now my mind is racing a bazillion miles an hour. I tell you guys...this guy has been driving me nuts for months...and tonight is no different. Weeks of being ignored became share a special moment with your family. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining...I am happy they included me, but it has confused me again because I am supposed to be "enemy number one" and the person he wants nothing to do with. 

Not getting my hopes up...going to keep on the path I have been on where I am taking care of myself and my daughter first.
I love my husband and I think he has the best aromatherapy  but it's better if I remain friends with Mizz Patience for a while longer and let my husband worry and chase me for a while. 

I hope all of you are having sweet dreams tonight. :sleeping:


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Oooh yeah...i'd love living near you Lost !! A good friend you are indeed. Im sure this will do wonders for her emotions at a time like this too.


She's had a good chance to think about things and I think she'll be going home a different person  If nothing else, she'll be all glammed up, lol.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Yep..it's me that can't sleep. In fact, here I am .. wide awake.  I swore to my self that I was going to do everything I can to try and get some good sleep tonight. I took a really hot bath, drank some sleepy time tea, I ate a healthy dinner, I've had no caffeine or sugar..and I was all prepared to lay in the bed reading until I fell asleep. My kitty was laying beside me purring and sleeping. My doggy was laying on the floor beside the bed..sleeping and dreaming. I was well on my way to sleep when all of a sudden...Bring! Bring! Bring! My phone is ringing off the wall waking everyone up. My phone only rings if it my family or my husband so I knew I had better get up and answer it. Wanna guess who it was? Yep...it was husband and he was calling to tell me that he was thinking of me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I didn't send my nightly email of what I had done for the day last night so he wanted to make sure I was okay. He said he and our daughter were moon gazing and they wanted to ask me to step outside and moon gaze with them while they were on the phone. This is something we have done as a family on numerous occasions. So...I got out of bed and went to the back yard to gaze at the moon with my family.
> 
> A person would think that I could come back in and go back to sleep, but no. Now my mind is racing a bazillion miles an hour. I tell you guys...this guy has been driving me nuts for months...and tonight is no different. Weeks of being ignored became share a special moment with your family. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining...I am happy they included me, but it has confused me again because I am supposed to be "enemy number one" and the person he wants nothing to do with.
> 
> Not getting my hopes up...going to keep on the path I have been on where I am taking care of myself and my daughter first.
> I love my husband and I think he has the best aromatherapy  but it's better if I remain friends with Mizz Patience for a while longer and let my husband worry and chase me for a while.
> 
> I hope all of you are having sweet dreams tonight. :sleeping:


Nemo are you ADD ? I am. That alone makes it difficult for me to get to sleep. My mind will keep racing and racing . I can never go to sleep in complete silence. I have to have something to catch my attention. Like a good documentary or something. It can be a show with comedy or 30 min long. I like technology and science so I put the tv on something like that and get locked in until I doze off. 

Yes I agree, let him chase a while. It's so tempting to bask in the moment because its something we want so bad. But to me when the rollercoaster shows up it makes it that much rougher of a ride. I just dont know where the fine line is. Im working myself up to ask those questions like Tron told me to. But I must admit, im so scared.
Moon gazing sounds so fun ! Yet relaxing at the same time. My H would find that to be the most boring thing ever. I'd love it! He's still eating in overtime. That seems to be his hobby these days. He's gaining weight amd everyone notices it. Honestly, I like a big man. I just know its not healthy for his bp or him overall.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Not getting my hopes up...going to keep on the path I have been on where I am taking care of myself and my daughter first.
> I love my husband and I think he has the best aromatherapy  but it's better if I remain friends with Mizz Patience for a while longer and let my husband worry and chase me for a while.
> 
> I hope all of you are having sweet dreams tonight. :sleeping:


That's great Nemo  It says when you ignore them for a bit it gets them thinking what's up and want to get in contact with you again  I've tried ignoring my H, but sometimes it can be unsuccessful. Because my friend was staying with me, he wanted to stay a bit longer today and join in with the chat. My friend is the female version of my H and it struck a chord with my H. He know that they've been going through marriage problems and I'm helping them by letting my friend stay with me for a few nights. I hope it's given him food for thought.
My friend has explained how her depression and anxiety has affected her and how my H has been much better off without me being there. She said that's how depression and panic attacks can affect you, you feel that you just want to be on your own and can do a lot better on your own without anyone else being there.
Don't get me wrong, she would love it if me and H got back together again, but she is also trying to let me see what it's like from his point of view.
It's so hard him coming round as I still love him and I still want him back. It will take me a long time to recover from this and I'd do anything to be given another chance. I just want him to realise that I do understand him more and having read these self help books now has made me realise what I've been doing wrong. 
The only thing left for me to do is 180 and go dark. The going dark bit is hard as my son tells him everything that I've been up to. My H doesn't seem to want to help me either, he won't help with the gardening or the decorating. He wants me not to rely on him for anything and become more independent.
I will never beg for him to come home, but I would like another chance. I don't want to think that the marriage is over and it can never be revived. I'm like you Nemo, I just have to be patient, but for how long and will it ever get to R!


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He's still eating in overtime. That seems to be his hobby these days. He's gaining weight amd everyone notices it. Honestly, I like a big man. I just know its not healthy for his bp or him overall.


Men comfort eat when they're either unhappy or content with their lives. With your situation I think it's contentment


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That's great Nemo  It says when you ignore them for a bit it gets them thinking what's up and want to get in contact with you again  I've tried ignoring my H, but sometimes it can be unsuccessful. Because my friend was staying with me, he wanted to stay a bit longer today and join in with the chat. My friend is the female version of my H and it struck a chord with my H. He know that they've been going through marriage problems and I'm helping them by letting my friend stay with me for a few nights. I hope it's given him food for thought.
> My friend has explained how her depression and anxiety has affected her and how my H has been much better off without me being there. She said that's how depression and panic attacks can affect you, you feel that you just want to be on your own and can do a lot better on your own without anyone else being there.
> Don't get me wrong, she would love it if me and H got back together again, but she is also trying to let me see what it's like from his point of view.
> It's so hard him coming round as I still love him and I still want him back. It will take me a long time to recover from this and I'd do anything to be given another chance. I just want him to realise that I do understand him more and having read these self help books now has made me realise what I've been doing wrong.
> The only thing left for me to do is 180 and go dark. The going dark bit is hard as my son tells him everything that I've been up to. My H doesn't seem to want to help me either, he won't help with the gardening or the decorating. He wants me not to rely on him for anything and become more independent.
> I will never beg for him to come home, but I would like another chance. I don't want to think that the marriage is over and it can never be revived. I'm like you Nemo, I just have to be patient, but for how long and will it ever get to R!


Lost. I think that you are doing exceptionally well emotionally throughout this whole thing. So no matter how it ends up, know that you rock !! The heart is a crazy thing. Can be a beautiful thing..but crazy. Especially when it and the brain have a disagreement. I do think it's time you go dark. There you have a friend. Someone who knows the both of you and she is seeing that he is doing somewhat better. I know i hard, but you have made things happen. What i mean by that is if Lost wants something done or needs something done she makes sureit gets done. 
I think you need to want to see a change and do something you've never done. I'm scared to do done things right now. But im gonna have to prepare myself for it and make it happen. Like I said before. You need to see how your H will react if you completly detach. Make arrangements for your son's travels and any assistance he may need. In a way that you nor him have contact. You seem to be such a sweet and caring woman who belongs to what seems to be an awesome church. Someone in your circle of people will be glad to help you with that im sure. Don't ask him to do anything around your home. You tube it and watch some do it yourself tutorials. Does he even really give second thought to an R is what you need to kmow. That's what we all need to know. But we al have to take different approaches ;because though our h's are alike in many ways..they are all very very different. And have to be approached differently. That's just IMO


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Does he even really give second thought to an R is what you need to know. That's what we all need to know. But we al have to take different approaches ;because though our h's are alike in many ways..they are all very very different. And have to be approached differently. That's just IMO


Catch, I do know at the mo that R is the last thing on his mind. He wants to file for D, but emotionally I'm not ready for D. I'm still getting over the fact that he's left me. I know there's a very slim chance at the mo for R, but I need that little bit of hope to keep my drive going.
Going dark is my best option at the mo, but it's very hard to do! I'm not sure about keeping his son away from him though, he may resent me for that. I can see your point though and as the holidays are coming up he'll be seeing less of him anyway because I will be at home


----------



## NotEZ

Ok, so quick update... not much new to say really. I took the kids over to H's place on friday (like we've always done when we weren't living together). Normally, I just drop them off but this time I had to stay because I was watching D3 while H took D10 to an appointment. I had still planned on leaving afterwards as I figured we were going to stay apart while going to councilling and figuring out if it will work. That was the impression I had gotten anyways when I asked H to confirm that we were just working towards getting back together and not officially back together. 

So, I got ready to leave and H asks me where I'm going. I told him I was going to go stay at my parents acreage (they are out of town and have horses and stuff that need to be fed) for the weekend. He said, I thought you were going to stay here? I told him that I didn't know that he wanted me to. That I figured we were going to keep things they've been (for the past 3 weeks, anyways) until we get into councilling and see where things are going. He said, oh I thought I told you that I wanted you and the kids to move back in? (Trust me, he never said anything remotely close to that). 

So I ended up going to my parents, doing what needed to be done there and then I went back to H's place, where we've all been since. So now we are actually back in the same bedroom (we stayed separate all but a few nights in the 6 months we lived there with him), we did family movie night last night and tonight he is cooking my favorite supper. Im really really confused now and wish I knew what goes on in his head. Not that I mind at all, its just this is way different than what I expected when he says he wants to go to councilling, see if we can work it out and "try" get back together... this feels more like act like we're back together and see if we can stay that way. 

But I know what got us to this point and my goal is not to overanalyze, not to overthink, and just go with the flow. I haven't said anything to him about it and I don't plan too. We can figure it out in councilling. He told me wanted to try again and that is good enough for me. Will keep you all updated. I will try get back on later tonight to read what everyone else is up too.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, I do know at the mo that R is the last thing on his mind. He wants to file for D, but emotionally I'm not ready for D. I'm still getting over the fact that he's left me. I know there's a very slim chance at the mo for R, but I need that little bit of hope to keep my drive going.
> Going dark is my best option at the mo, but it's very hard to do! I'm not sure about keeping his son away from him though, he may resent me for that. I can see your point though and as the holidays are coming up he'll be seeing less of him anyway because I will be at home


Noooo , i'd never recommend keeping his son away from him. What I am saying is use a mediator. Like his friend/fam or your friend/fam assist with drop offs and pick ups or that he doesn't come in when he comes by...things like that. And I know going dark is hard. I did it the first two months me and H separated. It was pretty rough. I must admit. But I did it as hard as it was. That was before I even knew what going dark meant.


----------



## lostwithouthim

NotEZ said:


> But I know what got us to this point and my goal is not to overanalyze, not to overthink, and just go with the flow. I haven't said anything to him about it and I don't plan too. We can figure it out in councilling. He told me wanted to try again and that is good enough for me. Will keep you all updated. I will try get back on later tonight to read what everyone else is up too.


Sounds great news notez  Remember baby steps and let him do all the leg work  enjoy your time spent back with the family


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Noooo , i'd never recommend keeping his son away from him. What I am saying is use a mediator. Like his friend/fam or your friend/fam assist with drop offs and pick ups or that he doesn't come in when he comes by...things like that. And I know going dark is hard. I did it the first two months me and H separated. It was pretty rough. I must admit. But I did it as hard as it was. That was before I even knew what going dark meant.


I've been thinking of using a mediator for the D if it gets going. The book I'm reading at the mo recommends using a mediator to stop things from getting hairy during the D. I Don't really want to use a mediator for my son, I think less contact by phone and GAL will be enough for him  After all he's the one in the one bedroom flat on his own.. A mediator for my son's contact might be going a step too far especially as he's going for D.


----------



## Finding Nemo

So how do you go dark when they keep flipping on the darn light switch? 

I was totally dark last Wednesday. Friday night I tried to be as dark as I could -- I need go take care of some things is what I kept saying but he kept asking me questions about my jobs and various things that I couldn't just walk away from. Then Saturday there was all this business about how he was thinking about me and wanted to share the moon with me, etc. Then last night...last night was a freaking night mare. I kept crying through out the day. I was excited to have a job. I was excited my husband thought of me. When I saw him I started to cry again and excused myself saying I really needed to say good night and leave. He didn't know that I had just talked to my good friend who I grew up with...she just got married. And another friend has been married longer than I have been and they just bought their first house. It was hurting so bad that these people were having such good lives and mine is such a mess. He reached out and grabbed me and hugged me. He told me that I didn't need to leave and could I stay for a moment to talk because he has some important stuff he needed to tell me about. His dad has cancer and is sick and is dealing with a bunch of stuff so he was asking me for support. I told him that I would do what I could, but I couldn't guarantee anything. Then he wants to know about my job and how he can help me. He ask me about the leak in the kitchen and did I need a plumber to come and help me. He said this kind of leak could lead to getting the house condemned if the mold gets out of control. He kept asking me legitimate questions that I couldn't just walk away from as much as I really wanted to leave. He told me to call him Monday after his class so we could talk about my job etc. ( Which I have news about that I will post in a minute. )

So, there I was and I couldn't stop the tears. Itty tiny tears just kept streaming and I couldn't get them under control. My husband reached out for a second time and hugged me. This time he wouldn't let me go when I tried to end the hug. He told me that he genuinely missed me this weekend and was thinking about me. ( FIRST TIME EVER HE HAS SAID HE MISSES ME) 

My daughter and I pack up into the car and we set off for home. She hadn't seen that I was crying when I arrived and she asked me in the car what was wrong. I told her it was hard to explain. She asked if we could talk when we got home. I told her of course. So, we spent the night talking and trying to soothe a bunch of rampaged emotions. She was having a day just like I was only she was afraid to cry in front of her dad because she didn't want to upset him. 

As if this isn't bad enough...I made an actual dinner last night and I made enough to pack some up to take to my husband. I usually don't eat or else I make salad or something because I hate to eat alone. He was excited to see that I brought him something I made. He didn't look in the bag. He just listened when I told him to make sure it goes in the fridge soon because some of it needs to stay refrigerated. Well..check this out...my daughter and I are in the car driving home and she asked me what I made for him. I told her and she said Mom, you are going to make dad cry when he sees that. I asked her Why and she says because they were cooking dinner earlier and my husband started to cry. She said he has never showed any kind of emotions in front of her since he was made to stay away from us by the courts. Apparently, last night he was thinking about a special dinner I make and he was wishing I was there with them cooking it. ---- It's exactly what I made for him. How freaky is that?

So...now I am off of the roller coaster of hell and I am officially a full blown rider of the train to CRAZY TOWN! Sponge pajamas included. 

I know not to read too much into this weekend, but I can't help but to smile and say that I am thankful a prayer came true. I was asking for his heart to soften and not only did his soften, but so did mine. Whooo! Whoo! The Crazy Train has left the station....


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I've been thinking of using a mediator for the D if it gets going. The book I'm reading at the mo recommends using a mediator to stop things from getting hairy during the D. I Don't really want to use a mediator for my son, I think less contact by phone and GAL will be enough for him  After all he's the one in the one bedroom flat on his own.. A mediator for my son's contact might be going a step too far especially as he's going for D.



But, he doesn't seem to mind being in the one bedroom flat on his own. Just like my husband. He doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that he spends a lot of his time by himself when he isn't working or trying to do things for the court. He told me that there is nothing more that he would like to do than to be able to put our daughter to bed every night like he used to. I have spoken to my IC -- the one that knows my husband and she said He really must not miss her too much because he hasn't done anything to try and change the way things are. He could ask me to leave the house for half an hour. Put her to bed and then leave the house. But he has made no kind of effort what so ever. He just says plays the part of a Victim that life has stomped on. So, she also recommended using a mediator or even getting the restraining order back in case the train ride gets to be too much for me. Does your H come around every day for your son or is it a set schedule?


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I've been thinking of using a mediator for the D if it gets going. The book I'm reading at the mo recommends using a mediator to stop things from getting hairy during the D. I Don't really want to use a mediator for my son, I think less contact by phone and GAL will be enough for him  After all he's the one in the one bedroom flat on his own.. A mediator for my son's contact might be going a step too far especially as he's going for D.





lostwithouthim said:


> Sounds great news notez  Remember baby steps and let him do all the leg work  enjoy your time spent back with the family


Adding you to my prayer list. I am excited for your guys. Take it slow and be honest and open. Go to IC if you can afford it so you can work on you for a while. I am a firm believer that those two things are the key to success in these situations.


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## Finding Nemo

Update on my employment situation....I had two jobs that I interviewed for. One I really, really wanted. The other would get me by. Well, the one to get me by offered me a job and the other said they would get back to me. I took that to mean a big fat NO. So, today I start the hiring process of paperwork, etc for the job to get me by. They set up a drug screen test appointment for this afternoon. Guess what happened next? The other job called me and told me they want me to work for them. I nearly fell off the chair I was sitting in. This one if FULL time and it is nearly 3 times the pay. It has medical benefits and the hours work so well for my family. I just have to get passed 6 weeks of summer and then school starts and I won't have to ask anyone for help. My husband is going to flip when he gets the message I just left for him. I can't believe my luck today......let's this be the start of something positive for a change...please.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I know not to read too much into this weekend, but I can't help but to smile and say that I am thankful a prayer came true. I was asking for his heart to soften and not only did his soften, but so did mine. Whooo! Whoo! The Crazy Train has left the station....


That's really good Nemo, I'm pleased for you  Now sit back and let him to all the leg work. You still need that swear word called patience, lol. You're not out of the woods yet, but you're getting there  Maybe I should pray for my H's heart to soften, I've got some news that I'll post in a bit. Don't get too excited though! lol.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> But, he doesn't seem to mind being in the one bedroom flat on his own. Just like my husband. He doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that he spends a lot of his time by himself when he isn't working or trying to do things for the court. He told me that there is nothing more that he would like to do than to be able to put our daughter to bed every night like he used to. I have spoken to my IC -- the one that knows my husband and she said He really must not miss her too much because he hasn't done anything to try and change the way things are. He could ask me to leave the house for half an hour. Put her to bed and then leave the house. But he has made no kind of effort what so ever. He just says plays the part of a Victim that life has stomped on. So, she also recommended using a mediator or even getting the restraining order back in case the train ride gets to be too much for me. Does your H come around every day for your son or is it a set schedule?


It's a sort of set schedule, lol. He comes round to take my son to his activities when I'm at college or pops round during the day when my son hasn't got any activities on or he's got travel training. It's 2 days a week that he pops round to see my son and I'm not usually there. He also takes him out on Sunday, he picks him up from Church. The last 2 times he's popped in for a coffee after the service as well. When he drops my son back off to my house, he will stay for a coffee and a chat.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Adding you to my prayer list. I am excited for your guys. Take it slow and be honest and open. Go to IC if you can afford it so you can work on you for a while. I am a firm believer that those two things are the key to success in these situations.


Thanks for the prayers Nemo  I really need them at the mo


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Update on my employment situation....I had two jobs that I interviewed for. One I really, really wanted. The other would get me by. Well, the one to get me by offered me a job and the other said they would get back to me. I took that to mean a big fat NO. So, today I start the hiring process of paperwork, etc for the job to get me by. They set up a drug screen test appointment for this afternoon. Guess what happened next? The other job called me and told me they want me to work for them. I nearly fell off the chair I was sitting in. This one if FULL time and it is nearly 3 times the pay. It has medical benefits and the hours work so well for my family. I just have to get passed 6 weeks of summer and then school starts and I won't have to ask anyone for help. My husband is going to flip when he gets the message I just left for him. I can't believe my luck today......let's this be the start of something positive for a change...please.


Yayyy! Well done Nemo, I'm so pleased for you


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## lostwithouthim

ok guys my update for the day. My H came round when my friend was here and opened up to her. He said to her he was happy living on his own and he felt it was a weight that had lifted from his shoulders. He said when he was living here, he had to leave because he was fed up of living in a messy house. So that means that all he's left me for is because I'm untidy?! It doesn't make sense! I've been reading about MLC and it sounds exactly like my H. Unfortunately it can take years for them to get out of a MLC, but there's no other explanation for it. He does focus a lot on negative stuff when he's around me and seems to only think about the negative stuff that has happened in the marriage. Another sign of MLC. The book I'm reading at the moment tells me that I shouldn't take things that he says to heart as he's in a negative frame of mind at the moment. It could also be his depression as well.
He also said to my friend that he hasn't turn his back on God, but he doesn't want to go to the same church as me as it would be unfair on me. I don't think he goes to church otherwise he would've said something to my friend and he won't have my son overnight on a saturday and then my son misses church. He told my friend that he helped out the other week at our church fete. Well Catch, it looks like I'm the one who's confused now, lol. I'm going on the roller coaster ride, I just hope this ride doesn't turn me upside down as I get travel sick, lol.
I pray that God will soften his heart and make him think twice about filing for D. That is the biggest worry on my mind at the mo. I'm trying to do 180 and going dark on him, but he doesn't seem bothered about it.
I intend to start tidying and cleaning this house from top to bottom and hoping he'll start noticing the difference. On the divorce busting forum, someone is going through the exact same situation as me and she said that he's started to take notice that her house is cleaner  
Like I said, R is a long way off, I just need to get out of this darn D! If it takes years to R or not, then let it be so, but I do not want a D! 
My H says don't worry about the D, but I can't help it! He seems to think it's no big deal! grrrrrrr, men!!!!


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> So how do you go dark when they keep flipping on the darn light switch?
> 
> I was totally dark last Wednesday. Friday night I tried to be as dark as I could -- I need go take care of some things is what I kept saying but he kept asking me questions about my jobs and various things that I couldn't just walk away from. Then Saturday there was all this business about how he was thinking about me and wanted to share the moon with me, etc. Then last night...last night was a freaking night mare. I kept crying through out the day. I was excited to have a job. I was excited my husband thought of me. When I saw him I started to cry again and excused myself saying I really needed to say good night and leave. He didn't know that I had just talked to my good friend who I grew up with...she just got married. And another friend has been married longer than I have been and they just bought their first house. It was hurting so bad that these people were having such good lives and mine is such a mess. He reached out and grabbed me and hugged me. He told me that I didn't need to leave and could I stay for a moment to talk because he has some important stuff he needed to tell me about. His dad has cancer and is sick and is dealing with a bunch of stuff so he was asking me for support. I told him that I would do what I could, but I couldn't guarantee anything. Then he wants to know about my job and how he can help me. He ask me about the leak in the kitchen and did I need a plumber to come and help me. He said this kind of leak could lead to getting the house condemned if the mold gets out of control. He kept asking me legitimate questions that I couldn't just walk away from as much as I really wanted to leave. He told me to call him Monday after his class so we could talk about my job etc. ( Which I have news about that I will post in a minute. )
> 
> So, there I was and I couldn't stop the tears. Itty tiny tears just kept streaming and I couldn't get them under control. My husband reached out for a second time and hugged me. This time he wouldn't let me go when I tried to end the hug. He told me that he genuinely missed me this weekend and was thinking about me. ( FIRST TIME EVER HE HAS SAID HE MISSES ME)
> 
> My daughter and I pack up into the car and we set off for home. She hadn't seen that I was crying when I arrived and she asked me in the car what was wrong. I told her it was hard to explain. She asked if we could talk when we got home. I told her of course. So, we spent the night talking and trying to soothe a bunch of rampaged emotions. She was having a day just like I was only she was afraid to cry in front of her dad because she didn't want to upset him.
> 
> As if this isn't bad enough...I made an actual dinner last night and I made enough to pack some up to take to my husband. I usually don't eat or else I make salad or something because I hate to eat alone. He was excited to see that I brought him something I made. He didn't look in the bag. He just listened when I told him to make sure it goes in the fridge soon because some of it needs to stay refrigerated. Well..check this out...my daughter and I are in the car driving home and she asked me what I made for him. I told her and she said Mom, you are going to make dad cry when he sees that. I asked her Why and she says because they were cooking dinner earlier and my husband started to cry. She said he has never showed any kind of emotions in front of her since he was made to stay away from us by the courts. Apparently, last night he was thinking about a special dinner I make and he was wishing I was there with them cooking it. ---- It's exactly what I made for him. How freaky is that?
> 
> So...now I am off of the roller coaster of hell and I am officially a full blown rider of the train to CRAZY TOWN! Sponge pajamas included.
> 
> I know not to read too much into this weekend, but I can't help but to smile and say that I am thankful a prayer came true. I was asking for his heart to soften and not only did his soften, but so did mine. Whooo! Whoo! The Crazy Train has left the station....


Im telling ya this is the crazy stuff I go through with my H. I try to pull away and go 180 or dark. ..and he steps his game up...i don't get it


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Update on my employment situation....I had two jobs that I interviewed for. One I really, really wanted. The other would get me by. Well, the one to get me by offered me a job and the other said they would get back to me. I took that to mean a big fat NO. So, today I start the hiring process of paperwork, etc for the job to get me by. They set up a drug screen test appointment for this afternoon. Guess what happened next? The other job called me and told me they want me to work for them. I nearly fell off the chair I was sitting in. This one if FULL time and it is nearly 3 times the pay. It has medical benefits and the hours work so well for my family. I just have to get passed 6 weeks of summer and then school starts and I won't have to ask anyone for help. My husband is going to flip when he gets the message I just left for him. I can't believe my luck today......let's this be the start of something positive for a change...please.


Yippee !!!:bounce::bounce::bounce:


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> ok guys my update for the day. My H came round when my friend was here and opened up to her. He said to her he was happy living on his own and he felt it was a weight that had lifted from his shoulders. He said when he was living here, he had to leave because he was fed up of living in a messy house. So that means that all he's left me for is because I'm untidy?! It doesn't make sense! I've been reading about MLC and it sounds exactly like my H. Unfortunately it can take years for them to get out of a MLC, but there's no other explanation for it. He does focus a lot on negative stuff when he's around me and seems to only think about the negative stuff that has happened in the marriage. Another sign of MLC. The book I'm reading at the moment tells me that I shouldn't take things that he says to heart as he's in a negative frame of mind at the moment. It could also be his depression as well.
> He also said to my frieend that he hasn't turn his back on God, but he doesn't want to go to the same church as me as it would be unfair on me. I don't think he goes to church otherwise he would've said something to my friend and he won't have my son overnight on a saturday and then my son misses church. He told my friend that he helped out the other week at our church fete. Well Catch, it looks like I'm the one who's confused now, lol. I'm going on the roller coaster ride, I just hope this ride doesn't turn me upside down as I get travel sick, lol.
> I pray that God will soften his heart and make him think twice about filing for D. That is the biggest worry on my mind at the mo. I'm trying to do 180 and going dark on him, but he doesn't seem bothered about it.
> I intend to start tidying and cleaning this house from top to bottom and hoping he'll start noticing the difference. On the divorce busting forum, someone is going through the exact same situation as me and she said that he's started to take notice that her house is cleaner
> Like I said, R is a long way off, I just need to get out of this darn D! If it takes years to R or not, then let it be so, but I do not want a D!
> My H says don't worry about the D, but I can't help it! He seems to think it's no big deal! grrrrrrr, men!!!!


Umm did I mention I hate rollercoasters ?? I know you do too Lost, these kind anyway. I'm really at a loss for words. I can't wrap my head around why he would leave his family over a few dirty dishes. Is it extreme uncleanliness, Lost ? Now honestly I probably wouldn't be able to deal with that too much myself;but I mean it was his home too. So if there was something to be cleanes and especially since he wasnt working, right ? Then why didn't he just pick up himself. My H is not the cleanest person in the world either. But you've not heard that being a deal breaking complaint with him. MLC could be true...i've wondered that about my H. Just pray sweetie it's about all you can do right now. I honestly say a prayer for you all each time I'm here. I don't know what either of us can really do to change our situations except what we've been doing. Researching, self improvement, and most importantly prayer. I know my God is faithful


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Umm did I mention I hate rollercoasters ?? I know you do too Lost, these kind anyway. I'm really at a loss for words. I can't wrap my head around why he would leave his family over a few dirty dishes. Is it extreme uncleanliness, Lost ? Now honestly I probably wouldn't be able to deal with that too much myself;but I mean it was his home too. So if there was something to be cleanes and especially since he wasnt working, right ? Then why didn't he just pick up himself. My H is not the cleanest person in the world either. But you've not heard that being a deal breaking complaint with him. MLC could be true...i've wondered that about my H. Just pray sweetie it's about all you can do right now. I honestly say a prayer for you all each time I'm here. I don't know what either of us can really do to change our situations except what we've been doing. Researching, self improvement, and most importantly prayer. I know my God is faithful


I did let the house go, but I;m out at college most days whilst he was sat on his backside not doing anything! I am trying to keep the place cleaner and tidier since he's gone, but he's yet to comment on the effort I'm making! He's just looking at anything vaguely negative at the moment and this is just another excuse I think!
He's only ever once said how he's fed up with the house and I said me too. He said this when he came back the first time this year. He said we should draw up a rota and share the jobs but of course this never happened. It was the royal we again, ie. leave it up to me to do! lol.
In the book I'm reading it says to find out as much information about MLC as you can so you understand your WAS more. 
They also say action speak louder than words and so I intend to get this house clean and spotless. My H used to moan when I used to use cleaning products as well as they gave him a sore throat. I used to do the cleaning when he was out, but he never went out much, lol. He was depressed as well and had no motivation to get up off his backside.
ok I'm off now to start cleaning the kitchen, lol.
Speak to you guys later


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## catch22gofigure

I think i'm again at my wits end with this whole charade. It's just too much for me emotionally... so i told him last night that I would be going home today. It's time for me to go dark possibly for good. He sat there silently. To me that was a big fat ok. I've shed too many tears, done too much already to keep hope alive for us. Im once again feeling like im doing all this for nothing. I know Tron said that he and I are not against each other. Right now im starting to wonder. I truly feel like this man is using me for what he is comfortable with. I'm tired. I can't do this any longer. It'll be easier at this point to just wait for mr right down the road as far as relationship wise and just have some me time in the meantime. Yes, he is having bp issues, but this man id not trying at all to please me sexually anymore, he calls me on all his breaks or whenever he can. Now that im working and attempt to return the same to him...his tone is like im a bother. Conversation is only interesting to him when its about what he wants to talk about. ..when i talk he asks dumb questions to stuff I've already answered blatantly telling me he isn't even listening to me at all. All that connecting crap is for the birds. This man is using me and I cant have it. I deserve better.


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## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> I think i'm again at my wits end with this whole charade. It's just too much for me emotionally... so i told him last night that I would be going home today. It's time for me to go dark possibly for good. He sat there silently. To me that was a big fat ok. I've shed too many tears, done too much already to keep hope alive for us. Im once again feeling like im doing all this for nothing. I know Tron said that he and I are not against each other. Right now im starting to wonder. I truly feel like this man is using me for what he is comfortable with. I'm tired. I can't do this any longer. It'll be easier at this point to just wait for mr right down the road as far as relationship wise and just have some me time in the meantime. Yes, he is having bp issues, but this man id not trying at all to please me sexually anymore, he calls me on all his breaks or whenever he can. Now that im working and attempt to return the same to him...his tone is like im a bother. Conversation is only interesting to him when its about what he wants to talk about. ..when i talk he asks dumb questions to stuff I've already answered blatantly telling me he isn't even listening to me at all. All that connecting crap is for the birds. This man is using me and I cant have it. I deserve better.


I honestly feel this EXACT same way. I feel like his saying we should go to councilling was his way of having everything go back to the "normal" he was ok with for the 6 months, but that drove me nuts. Like those words were all the effort he has to put into anything. I waiver between just waiting and seeing where it goes because he at least took that step and feeling like I'm wasting my own time and setting myself up for more hurt by being there for him while he figures out if he even wants me to be.


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## NotEZ

And you are right catch, we could sooo be twins (well I already have one of those, so triplets maybe? lol). I could write almost everything you say.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I think i'm again at my wits end with this whole charade. It's just too much for me emotionally... so i told him last night that I would be going home today. It's time for me to go dark possibly for good. He sat there silently. To me that was a big fat ok. I've shed too many tears, done too much already to keep hope alive for us. Im once again feeling like im doing all this for nothing. I know Tron said that he and I are not against each other. Right now im starting to wonder. I truly feel like this man is using me for what he is comfortable with. I'm tired. I can't do this any longer. It'll be easier at this point to just wait for mr right down the road as far as relationship wise and just have some me time in the meantime. Yes, he is having bp issues, but this man id not trying at all to please me sexually anymore, he calls me on all his breaks or whenever he can. Now that im working and attempt to return the same to him...his tone is like im a bother. Conversation is only interesting to him when its about what he wants to talk about. ..when i talk he asks dumb questions to stuff I've already answered blatantly telling me he isn't even listening to me at all. All that connecting crap is for the birds. This man is using me and I cant have it. I deserve better.


I think it's quite a good idea to stay away for a while to see how you feel about each other  It'll be hard for you to start living with each other again and it will seem strange at first. When you get used to your own company, it's totally different. You've got to start thinking of someone else as well as you and your kids. I enjoyed having my friend here, don't get me wrong, but I've got into a routine now and enjoying the place on my own 
I still want my H back though and want to make it work but it will have to be done slowly. It can't be all or nothing with me, it'll be too much.
I'm sure you mentioned that your H has depression and he won't get any help for it? I'd start leaving leaflets around the place about depression or post one out to him. At the end of the day, you have to think to yourself "at least I tried to make this work!". I don't like to think of anyone splitting up and always hope for the best for them  I'll say a prayer for you that you're doing the right thing  My friend's gone home now and she will hopefully sort it out with her H now  We put in a plan of action over the weekend and she's been carrying it out


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## lostwithouthim

NotEZ said:


> I honestly feel this EXACT same way. I feel like his saying we should go to councilling was his way of having everything go back to the "normal" he was ok with for the 6 months, but that drove me nuts. Like those words were all the effort he has to put into anything. I waiver between just waiting and seeing where it goes because he at least took that step and feeling like I'm wasting my own time and setting myself up for more hurt by being there for him while he figures out if he even wants me to be.


I've said this before to Catch and I think that you should both have your own space and start dating your spouses and doing baby steps. You can't rush these things or you'll be back to square one.


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> I honestly feel this EXACT same way. I feel like his saying we should go to councilling was his way of having everything go back to the "normal" he was ok with for the 6 months, but that drove me nuts. Like those words were all the effort he has to put into anything. I waiver between just waiting and seeing where it goes because he at least took that step and feeling like I'm wasting my own time and setting myself up for more hurt by being there for him while he figures out if he even wants me to be.


Yep, I keep trying to do what I think God wants and all that..but honeyyyy...i can't with him. I'm telling you im really trying my best, but I ain't nobody's fool either. And once again since he knows I'm quite getting tired of his shenanigans. .he's calling me with that stupid I'm trying to gauge your temperament talk. This man need a shrink in the worst way...smh


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> And you are right catch, we could sooo be twins (well I already have one of those, so triplets maybe? lol). I could write almost everything you say.


Ohhhh so you're a twin ? Cool ! Identical?


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I think it's quite a good idea to stay away for a while to see how you feel about each other  It'll be hard for you to start living with each other again and it will seem strange at first. When you get used to your own company, it's totally different. You've got to start thinking of someone else as well as you and your kids. I enjoyed having my friend here, don't get me wrong, but I've got into a routine now and enjoying the place on my own
> I still want my H back though and want to make it work but it will have to be done slowly. It can't be all or nothing with me, it'll be too much.
> I'm sure you mentioned that your H has depression and he won't get any help for it? I'd start leaving leaflets around the place about depression or post one out to him. At the end of the day, you have to think to yourself "at least I tried to make this work!". I don't like to think of anyone splitting up and always hope for the best for them  I'll say a prayer for you that you're doing the right thing  My friend's gone home now and she will hopefully sort it out with her H now  We put in a plan of action over the weekend and she's been carrying it out


Lost its really the exact opposite. ..we're far too comfortable in the same house together. Thats why I want to go to my own house. I want some space for a minute. You have to think about what i've been saying. We practically live together again now. It's been over a month since ive slept in my own home. Im not looking to think of someone else...but myself. I'm doing that. I've been everyones caregiver leaving me co dependent for far too long. In my book now its every man for himself unless I deem my assistance necessary. Thanks so much for your prayers. I sure need them.


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## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> Ohhhh so you're a twin ? Cool ! Identical?


Yes, I'm an identical twin.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Alright you guys and girls!! Time to fess up. Which one of you stole my husband and left this stranger in his place? Because I certainly don't recognise this guy to be my husband as of late. 

Two nights in a row HE has called me and the conversations have gone on for hours. Monday night we killed the house phone battery and he called me back on my cell phone and killed 3 hundred minutes on top of that. This is my husband...the old part of my husband that used to feel safe enough to talk to me for HOURS and HOURS. 

Monday's topic surrounded every which kind of financial topic possible. It started out with me asking him to call me to help me decide what to do about the two jobs I was hired for. So, we made the decision to go with the one with the most benefits..."For our Family" so we have a back up plan in case something goes wrong at my husbands job. Plus, with more income I can afford to get a different car and start putting away a lot of money into savings in case of any dark days ahead. He didn't ask for help with any bill paying, but what he did ask is that I put away so much into stocks and profit sharings and 401K. Then so much for savings. Then so much into a savings for our daughter...which he will add to as well. Then he discussed going to look at a car with me when the time came. He told me not to go alone..take him or my FIL. He said pay in full. And to make sure that I have the option to sit on the decision for at least 48 hours. I may have mentioned that's the way I make decisions now by the way. I sit on them and think and rethink until I can either decide and if I can't decide I scrap it and find a new solution to think about. 

So then last night I sent him a message to tell him that some his grandfather's things were being brought up to me to put them in the basement. Apparently FIL's business partner got himself into some really hot water with drinking and driving. He wanted people to be his character witness and say that he doesn't that kind of stuff and he is mild mannered, etc. Well, no on would do that. They went to court and said the guy needs help. Five driving under the influences in the past couple of years should tell you something as to the kind of help this guy needs. Yesterday the guy got sentenced to do jail time. He has so many days to get his business affairs in order and then he has to turn himself in. The guy went nuts yesterday threatening people and he is going to burn down the building and this that and the other things, too. So, FIL starts to panic because some of the stuff at the business belonged to my husband's Great Grandpa and Grandpa. They are intended for my husband and daughter eventually. As much as I want everyone to get their stuff out of my way and let me move on with life, I just couldn't let stuff get damaged. 

My husband first called to thank me because I didn't even ask him. I just said get the stuff to me so that it is safe. That opened the door to an entire conversation about hopes and dreams my husband has and what he hopes our daughter will do in the future and on and on and on. Then he wanted to know if I had started my paperwork yet because I could not get a hold of the HR person for my work. He was nice to me and told me that if I ended up losing both jobs it's okay because he knows I tried and he knows I will keep trying. He never said anything about being at home during any of these plans. But, he made some comments that were curious. He said he needs to buy a washer and dryer, but he didn't want to spend a lot because he only needs it temporary and eventually would sell it. He said the same thing about a vaccum cleaner and buying a couch. 

So who is this person and now how do I get this person to keep calling me and to keep talking to me? Then to get this person to feel safe with talking to me and being with me in real life? How do I get him to not buy a couch...but to come home and sit on the couch he spent so much money and hard work to get already. 

Whoo! Whoo! The Crazy Train is whizzing right on down the tracks....I need to get it to slow down a bit so that I can figure out who this person is that trying to take a ride with me.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> It's a sort of set schedule, lol. He comes round to take my son to his activities when I'm at college or pops round during the day when my son hasn't got any activities on or he's got travel training. It's 2 days a week that he pops round to see my son and I'm not usually there. He also takes him out on Sunday, he picks him up from Church. The last 2 times he's popped in for a coffee after the service as well. When he drops my son back off to my house, he will stay for a coffee and a chat.


I was trying to think of a way for this to still happen, but you be able to go dark...well, as dark as you can because your husband is like mine and flips the darn light switch on so he can see. Grrr! I think of it as trying to conserve my time and energy.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> ok guys my update for the day. My H came round when my friend was here and opened up to her. He said to her he was happy living on his own and he felt it was a weight that had lifted from his shoulders. He said when he was living here, he had to leave because he was fed up of living in a messy house. So that means that all he's left me for is because I'm untidy?! It doesn't make sense! I've been reading about MLC and it sounds exactly like my H. Unfortunately it can take years for them to get out of a MLC, but there's no other explanation for it. He does focus a lot on negative stuff when he's around me and seems to only think about the negative stuff that has happened in the marriage. Another sign of MLC. The book I'm reading at the moment tells me that I shouldn't take things that he says to heart as he's in a negative frame of mind at the moment. It could also be his depression as well.
> He also said to my friend that he hasn't turn his back on God, but he doesn't want to go to the same church as me as it would be unfair on me. I don't think he goes to church otherwise he would've said something to my friend and he won't have my son overnight on a saturday and then my son misses church. He told my friend that he helped out the other week at our church fete. Well Catch, it looks like I'm the one who's confused now, lol. I'm going on the roller coaster ride, I just hope this ride doesn't turn me upside down as I get travel sick, lol.
> I pray that God will soften his heart and make him think twice about filing for D. That is the biggest worry on my mind at the mo. I'm trying to do 180 and going dark on him, but he doesn't seem bothered about it.
> I intend to start tidying and cleaning this house from top to bottom and hoping he'll start noticing the difference. On the divorce busting forum, someone is going through the exact same situation as me and she said that he's started to take notice that her house is cleaner
> Like I said, R is a long way off, I just need to get out of this darn D! If it takes years to R or not, then let it be so, but I do not want a D!
> My H says don't worry about the D, but I can't help it! He seems to think it's no big deal! grrrrrrr, men!!!!




It's no big deal because it's something he wants. I guarantee you he would be thinking differently if it were something you iniitiated and he didn't want. 

Are you reading the forums on another website where they talk about MLC? I think it was the divorce busting website that had an areas for that kind of topic. 

I am praying for you. One way or another we are all going to be okay...we just have to be.


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## catch22gofigure

Well ive officially gotten all my things from H apt. I left while he was gone and told him where I put the key. I can't do this anymore. He just said ok baby and started talking to me about tires in his truck...really ? I'm telling you this man does not want me for real. He just doesn't know how to end it all just like I don't. Im headed to work, but really just want to lay home and cry. He'll never open up and tell me what he feels, so I have nothing but my own thoughts to take on this. My thoughts say i'm being a dummy. This morning he was a little upset that I didn't cook breakfast. He didn't say it but I could tell he had a bit of an attitude. Yeah i don't have to put up with that. Im just gonna go on home when I get off. No 180 ,no going dark,...I'm just plain out done. What else is a girl to do ?


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Alright you guys and girls!! Time to fess up. Which one of you stole my husband and left this stranger in his place? Because I certainly don't recognise this guy to be my husband as of late.
> 
> Two nights in a row HE has called me and the conversations have gone on for hours. Monday night we killed the house phone battery and he called me back on my cell phone and killed 3 hundred minutes on top of that. This is my husband...the old part of my husband that used to feel safe enough to talk to me for HOURS and HOURS.
> 
> Monday's topic surrounded every which kind of financial topic possible. It started out with me asking him to call me to help me decide what to do about the two jobs I was hired for. So, we made the decision to go with the one with the most benefits..."For our Family" so we have a back up plan in case something goes wrong at my husbands job. Plus, with more income I can afford to get a different car and start putting away a lot of money into savings in case of any dark days ahead. He didn't ask for help with any bill paying, but what he did ask is that I put away so much into stocks and profit sharings and 401K. Then so much for savings. Then so much into a savings for our daughter...which he will add to as well. Then he discussed going to look at a car with me when the time came. He told me not to go alone..take him or my FIL. He said pay in full. And to make sure that I have the option to sit on the decision for at least 48 hours. I may have mentioned that's the way I make decisions now by the way. I sit on them and think and rethink until I can either decide and if I can't decide I scrap it and find a new solution to think about.
> 
> So then last night I sent him a message to tell him that some his grandfather's things were being brought up to me to put them in the basement. Apparently FIL's business partner got himself into some really hot water with drinking and driving. He wanted people to be his character witness and say that he doesn't that kind of stuff and he is mild mannered, etc. Well, no on would do that. They went to court and said the guy needs help. Five driving under the influences in the past couple of years should tell you something as to the kind of help this guy needs. Yesterday the guy got sentenced to do jail time. He has so many days to get his business affairs in order and then he has to turn himself in. The guy went nuts yesterday threatening people and he is going to burn down the building and this that and the other things, too. So, FIL starts to panic because some of the stuff at the business belonged to my husband's Great Grandpa and Grandpa. They are intended for my husband and daughter eventually. As much as I want everyone to get their stuff out of my way and let me move on with life, I just couldn't let stuff get damaged.
> 
> My husband first called to thank me because I didn't even ask him. I just said get the stuff to me so that it is safe. That opened the door to an entire conversation about hopes and dreams my husband has and what he hopes our daughter will do in the future and on and on and on. Then he wanted to know if I had started my paperwork yet because I could not get a hold of the HR person for my work. He was nice to me and told me that if I ended up losing both jobs it's okay because he knows I tried and he knows I will keep trying. He never said anything about being at home during any of these plans. But, he made some comments that were curious. He said he needs to buy a washer and dryer, but he didn't want to spend a lot because he only needs it temporary and eventually would sell it. He said the same thing about a vaccum cleaner and buying a couch.
> 
> So who is this person and now how do I get this person to keep calling me and to keep talking to me? Then to get this person to feel safe with talking to me and being with me in real life? How do I get him to not buy a couch...but to come home and sit on the couch he spent so much money and hard work to get already.
> 
> Whoo! Whoo! The Crazy Train is whizzing right on down the tracks....I need to get it to slow down a bit so that I can figure out who this person is that trying to take a ride with me.


Yaay for you !!! This is great news !! Idk the answer to your questions but I do know you're on the right track !!


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> So who is this person and now how do I get this person to keep calling me and to keep talking to me? Then to get this person to feel safe with talking to me and being with me in real life? How do I get him to not buy a couch...but to come home and sit on the couch he spent so much money and hard work to get already.
> 
> Whoo! Whoo! The Crazy Train is whizzing right on down the tracks....I need to get it to slow down a bit so that I can figure out who this person is that trying to take a ride with me.


My H is like that. He'll talk to me about his finances and how he wishes they could be sorted out. He said he was disappointed not to get a job he's applied for. I mentioned that a friend of mine used to do a job that he would like to do. He said to find out for him. I did find out, but it's was through a friend so it's no good to him.
I have the same thoughts as you Nemo. I always think why don't you move back in and then we can share the finances again and we'll both be a lot better off 
Just let him do all the chasing and contacting you Nemo and don't forget baby steps and patience. It will take time to realise what he's up to and it could be a chance of R if you take it slowly


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I was trying to think of a way for this to still happen, but you be able to go dark...well, as dark as you can because your husband is like mine and flips the darn light switch on so he can see. Grrr! I think of it as trying to conserve my time and energy.


It's a hard one I know! Like this morning he came round early when I was getting ready to go to college. It was his day to have our son as it's my son's day off. He has to be here for when my son's travel and work mentor comes round to take him out. He offered to run me to the bus station this morning, saying that he needed to go as he's got his laundry to pick up. 
I've got a plan though  On Sunday my friend is coming over to have her legs waxed. My H normally takes my son out on Sunday, so when he gets back he won't be able to stay for the usual coffee and chat because we'll be upstairs waxing each others legs and whatever else needs doing, lol. I've got a few more plans as well which I will update in another post


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> It's no big deal because it's something he wants. I guarantee you he would be thinking differently if it were something you iniitiated and he didn't want.
> 
> Are you reading the forums on another website where they talk about MLC? I think it was the divorce busting website that had an areas for that kind of topic.
> 
> I am praying for you. One way or another we are all going to be okay...we just have to be.


Thanks for the prayers Nemo  Yes I'm reading the divorce busting forums as well and have been posting there. It's a really friendly place, no-one judges you as they all want to do everything possible to save their marriage  They all have PMA, which is what I need at the mo


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well ive officially gotten all my things from H apt. I left while he was gone and told him where I put the key. I can't do this anymore. He just said ok baby and started talking to me about tires in his truck...really ? I'm telling you this man does not want me for real. He just doesn't know how to end it all just like I don't. Im headed to work, but really just want to lay home and cry. He'll never open up and tell me what he feels, so I have nothing but my own thoughts to take on this. My thoughts say i'm being a dummy. This morning he was a little upset that I didn't cook breakfast. He didn't say it but I could tell he had a bit of an attitude. Yeah i don't have to put up with that. Im just gonna go on home when I get off. No 180 ,no going dark,...I'm just plain out done. What else is a girl to do ?


Men don't open up, that's their problem. If they did they would be a girl with a beard, lol. I read that somewhere and thought it was apt. We so want our H's to be like us that we forget they are from a different planet, lol. 
Have you noticed how everyone on this forum has similar H's that lurrrrrve roller coasters, lol.


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## lostwithouthim

Ok my update for the day. First of all I've finished my college course  yayyy! I wish I could say I've got nothing to do now, but this is not the case, lol.
My H keeps going on about moving his desk out of his study, but can't think where to put it. Well what I've decided to do is make his study into my beauty salon and put the desk upstairs in the 3rd bedroom so my son can have it for his computer. He can put his game consoles in there as well and then he can have it as his den  Me and my H talked about doing this ages ago, but never got round to it. I'm not going to consult H about it, I'm just going to do it  How about that for going dark and doing a 180? lol. My son is at a residential camp for a week and I'm hoping to do it then  Now to find a big strong man to help me move the stuff


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Men don't open up, that's their problem. If they did they would be a girl with a beard, lol. I read that somewhere and thought it was apt. We so want our H's to be like us that we forget they are from a different planet, lol.
> Have you noticed how everyone on this forum has similar H's that lurrrrrve roller coasters, lol.


Make sense.. i just get sooo FRUSTRATED. ..o-m- geee !! And yes , i've noticed. ..i just have no tolerance for things that just don't make sense. I think...grow the heck up already.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Men don't open up, that's their problem. If they did they would be a girl with a beard, lol. I read that somewhere and thought it was apt. We so want our H's to be like us that we forget they are from a different planet, lol.
> Have you noticed how everyone on this forum has similar H's that lurrrrrve roller coasters, lol.




You are not kidding about the roller coaster ride. My husband called me for the third time this week. I assisted him and our daughter by driving up into the mountains to pick up our daugher's friend so they could go swimming. Then husband took them swimming and took them back up the mountain. Tomorrow I will be the one to go back to get our daughter. So...why he called me? I dunno this time. He talked and rambled about so much stuff that I am not sure why he called me. I mean he called me the moment our dauhter got out of the car and was still talking to me two hours later. Yes, my husband has the gift of gab...only he doesn't talk about the things we really need to talk about.  He did walk me through helping get the water line off the on / off valve in the kitchen sink. Now I can fix the drip and get the mold cleared up. He told me he was proud of me for being able to do this. But now I don't have any other reasons for him to contact me. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Keep your fingers crossed...I really need him to feel safe so we can move forward with what ever we are going to do.

Good night everyone. I am off to sleep...or so I am telling myself. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.


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## catch22gofigure

So now I'm being invited to the amusement park with the H'family. An annual trip is what it is. He seemed un nerved when I told him i need to think about it. I don't know if I should or shouldn't. Maybe I'm a little slow or something you all, but I don't get it with them. I'm 35 years old should I be "gettin" it with them by now ? I stayed home last night. Off work today so i've been cleaning and knocking down the cob webs that are forming since i haven't been staying here. He on the other hand keeps calling me constantly (sound familiar ) , oh ever so sweet (familiar? ) , inviting me places (again familiar ) when for the last couple of days while at his house he's been on his monthly. Nowwww that I've come home...he's back to this same old circle of craziness! ! This isn't a rollercoaster for me you all. This is a train on a circular track that givesyou the tour of the whole amusement park yet there is no destination. Is always a ride past the same old scenery. Sorry for dumping on you guys i'm just aggravated


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> So now I'm being invited to the amusement park with the H'family. An annual trip is what it is. He seemed un nerved when I told him i need to think about it. I don't know if I should or shouldn't. Maybe I'm a little slow or something you all, but I don't get it with them. I'm 35 years old should I be "gettin" it with them by now ? I stayed home last night. Off work today so i've been cleaning and knocking down the cob webs that are forming since i haven't been staying here. He on the other hand keeps calling me constantly (sound familiar ) , oh ever so sweet (familiar? ) , inviting me places (again familiar ) when for the last couple of days while at his house he's been on his monthly. Nowwww that I've come home...he's back to this same old circle of craziness! ! This isn't a rollercoaster for me you all. This is a train on a circular track that givesyou the tour of the whole amusement park yet there is no destination. Is always a ride past the same old scenery. Sorry for dumping on you guys i'm just aggravated


Dump all you like catch, we're here for each other  what does your heart say? You may be overanalysing things. Men are not like us, you don't need to overanalyse what they say as they just say what they think  in my book I'm reading, sometimes you need to ignore their bad moods or periods. It says that once you start ignoring them, they will open up to you a bit more. 
One example I read was a woman would always ask her h what was wrong and if he said nothing then she would go on about it because she knew something was wrong. She tried a different tact with him, the next time she asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, instead of trying to work out what was wrong and starting an argument, she switched on the radio and started to sing along. Her h told her to switch it off as there was something that happened at his work today that he needed to get off his chest. So she managed to find out what was wrong without causing an argument. Worth a try 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Thanks Lost, i've started to ignore a lot of his little antics. I guess some just really rub me the wrong way. I reacted this time. Not verbally or with my actions. By removing myself from the agitator. What I can believe is how for thrle first time in months, he said he's staying at the home house tonight when he gets off. That's where i've been since last night. Hmmm ,look who's pulling all straws ...smh. I'm not reading into it too much. It shouldn't take me having to leave from around him for him to take baby steps. So we'll see if he actually stays or not tonight. What I do know is im not going over there. I need a little break from the train ride.


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## Finding Nemo

What do you make of this statement? :scratchhead:

Last night my husband called me because he wanted to make sure that I had taken care of the water leak that was under our kitchen sink. Yes that is a phone call every night this week and things have been building up in my mind so I am probably over thinking the importance of the calls just like everything else. Anyway, It's been leaking forever and I couldn't get a part to break loose so it was taking forever to get help. My husband was going to call a plumber, but I called a friend and her husband came and helped me. Thankfully he arrived because we found out someone had used solder and the valve was not going to come off easy. My friend's husband cut the pipe and fixed everything for me. 

Okay...so we talk for a bit and then my husband's phone died. Around 1am my daughter some how butt dialed my husband's number. This was while my daughter and I were having a conversation about what condoms are used for. She had spent the night at a friend's house and one of their dogs has been in heat. They breed the dogs and make a ton of money. So, this kind of raised some questions and my daughter asked me. Remember she is 13 and we have had talks a long the way of her growing up so this was not a shocking conversation for us to have. My husband on the other hand did shock me last night. 

He asked me if everything was okay and why we were still awake. I told him about the conversation we were having. After he had a good laugh and explained why we were having this conversation, he asked me what I told her and so I explained that the condom is put on the boy / man so that he doesn't get the girl pregnant. And he replied to me...*"It's more fun when the girl puts it on." * I was stunned and said...I can't tell her that. And he said, *"that wasn't meant for her. That was directed at you." * I couldn't ask any questions or say anything back because my daughter was sitting not even feet away from me. I didn't know if that was just a general statement he was making or what. She was listening to her ipod with headphones by this time, but I wasn't sure if she could hear me or not so I replied via an email. Which I am sure is going to embarass him if he opens it up and reads it while he is at work or around other people. I could also end up being the embarassed one if I read too much into that statement -- especailly with the descriptive words I used. :smthumbup:

He has never talked to me or directed any kind of that type of conversation toward me so I wasn't sure what to do. I mean..I am still in shock that he said that comment was directed toward me. We are in no way prudes, but when it comes to this kind of conversation my husband has been pretty shy. It has been an extremely long time ... nearly 7 or even closer to 9 months since he even wanted anything to do with me in that way. Why now? This coming from someone who thinks kissing me is the worst thing in the world because I am public enemy number one and he wants nothing to do with me. And I am the scariest thing of this earth and he told me about two months ago that I would never again be a lone with him. I am so confused. I wanted to throw up last night ... that's how confused I am. I know he's been on those dating sites and stuff so maybe he is learning something from someone else and was bold enough to let me know about it? I don't know. Am I to take that as sexual innuendo or phone play that was meant for me, or do I just ignore it as just words like when we were talking about the water leak. :scratchhead: Kind of too late to really wait for a reply to that question, but you know what? If he's going to put himself out there and make a statement like that and direct it toward me -- it's fair that I respond any way I choose to...right? 

Trying really hard not to think too much into this and wondering who is this person? I don't mind this person...just wish this person who has called me every night this week and now is making these kinds of comments to me would stop dragging my heart around.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks Lost, i've started to ignore a lot of his little antics. I guess some just really rub me the wrong way. I reacted this time. Not verbally or with my actions. By removing myself from the agitator. What I can believe is how for thrle first time in months, he said he's staying at the home house tonight when he gets off. That's where i've been since last night. Hmmm ,look who's pulling all straws ...smh. I'm not reading into it too much. It shouldn't take me having to leave from around him for him to take baby steps. So we'll see if he actually stays or not tonight. What I do know is im not going over there. I need a little break from the train ride.


Know that I say this out of love.......I can understand some of his behavior. He's confused because just a few days ago you were presenting him with a bag of "Big Daddy" type stuff and then all of a sudden you just "went away". At no point did you say to your husband that you were leaving permanently nor did you explain to him why you were leaving. You kind of told him you needed time to deal with some issues, and you did kind of leave him dangling. That's why the invites to go places and to do things with the family. For him he is trying to reach out and connect with you the best he knows how. Remember, he's from Mars and he is walking around in a world of people who are from Venus. I hope you are able to stop over analyzing everything to see that he is trying in his big old dopey manly way.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Well ive officially gotten all my things from H apt. I left while he was gone and told him where I put the key. I can't do this anymore. He just said ok baby and started talking to me about tires in his truck...really ? I'm telling you this man does not want me for real. He just doesn't know how to end it all just like I don't. Im headed to work, but really just want to lay home and cry. He'll never open up and tell me what he feels, so I have nothing but my own thoughts to take on this. My thoughts say i'm being a dummy. This morning he was a little upset that I didn't cook breakfast. He didn't say it but I could tell he had a bit of an attitude. Yeah i don't have to put up with that. Im just gonna go on home when I get off. No 180 ,no going dark,...I'm just plain out done. What else is a girl to do ?



She comes online to TAM and she dumps everything she needs to so that we can help make sense of things...then she goes back to her husband and has some sort of conversation with him because it seems to me that the two of you really love each other and want to be with each other. I think having the two houses has given you an easy way out without having to fully deal with all of the issues going on. Just my opinion and it saddens me to see you give up on the kind of thing that I am striving to even be able to dream of having. Stepping down off my soapbox now. :soapbox:


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> What do you make of this statement? :scratchhead:
> 
> Trying really hard not to think too much into this and wondering who is this person? I don't mind this person...just wish this person who has called me every night this week and now is making these kinds of comments to me would stop dragging my heart around.


As I said to Catch the other day Nemo, try not to over analyse what he says. Men just come out and say these things without really thinking about what they are going to say. It means that he's thinking about having sex with you again, end of! lol  I suppose what I'm trying to say is that men don't think deep, so just take what he says at face value  It's a fact, not an insult to men.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> As I said to Catch the other day Nemo, try not to over analyse what he says. Men just come out and say these things without really thinking about what they are going to say. It means that he's thinking about having sex with you again, end of! lol  I suppose what I'm trying to say is that men don't think deep, so just take what he says at face value  It's a fact, not an insult to men.



I was hoping that I hadn't misread what he was talking about. I don't mean to sound naive or anything like that. It just floored me that he would say something like that "to me" considering how much he has ignored me and the stuff her puts me through. KWIM? 

After he reads what I wrote to him he may never think about having sex with me again because I may have given him a reason to really be afraid of me. Let him stew on that for a while. HA! :rofl:


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Know that I say this out of love.......I can understand some of his behavior. He's confused because just a few days ago you were presenting him with a bag of "Big Daddy" type stuff and then all of a sudden you just "went away". At no point did you say to your husband that you were leaving permanently nor did you explain to him why you were leaving. You kind of told him you needed time to deal with some issues, and you did kind of leave him dangling. That's why the invites to go places and to do things with the family. For him he is trying to reach out and connect with you the best he knows how. Remember, he's from Mars and he is walking around in a world of people who are from Venus. I hope you are able to stop over analyzing everything to see that he is trying in his big old dopey manly way.


You're right. I did just that. I did however tell him I was leaving and got absolutely no response as if I said nothing. So I took as maybe that's what he wanted. What i'm not understanding that out of this whole thing is if he wants us together, why can't he just say it. Or if in in his mind he has some kind of time frame for this charade that we have going on..heck let me in on it, i may oblige. By him not doing either leaves me dangling what to make of it all. I asked him months ago what were do he told me that he was done. So if he's done, why the contact? Why the need to be around me...why continue to want me involved with his family? Im trying to stop over analyzing. I've stopped the screaming and the crying for the most part...hopefully that's next so i can get a clearer understanding of it all.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> She comes online to TAM and she dumps everything she needs to so that we can help make sense of things...then she goes back to her husband and has some sort of conversation with him because it seems to me that the two of you really love each other and want to be with each other. I think having the two houses has given you an easy way out without having to fully deal with all of the issues going on. Just my opinion and it saddens me to see you give up on the kind of thing that I am striving to even be able to dream of having. Stepping down off my soapbox now. :soapbox:


I'm not giving up completey Lost. I too still want an R. Just not by any means necessary. You and I just have two different levels of what is acceptable. during these times. I need more than what he's tying to give I feel. Even though he is doing ask of these actions. Him not communicating puts him in the same category with me as if all his actions were just like your H behavior. Though I don't want you all to divorce. At least he flat out hadtold you he does. It's your choice to continue to strive towards an R. I just want to make the best decision based on what either of us want. I've not been given that option. I'm forced to wonder if im making the wrong decision based off my own analogies. Because he don't talk about his wants. The last time I asked he said he was done. So maybe this is why he doesn't just say it. Maybe became he feels he's already said it and I chose not to listen? I know I over analyze things. If he does still want this deep down inside. .then had you ask to thank that I've heldon this far. Not that I don't want him. Bit simply because I'm ready to get the pain over with, so I keep wanting to just stop it all by ending things. But he comes right back in some kind of way to wrap me right back in.... *sighs*

So don't think that just because i have constant andevenintimate. even intimate contact with my H that I am any closer to a R than you are, im not. In factI'm even closer to a D than you are. Simply because I'm such a get it over with type person. .that I'm not sure that one day the situation gets the best of me and I do make it to file and possibly follow through with it. 

He thinking"hey she really doesn't love me...she filed. Then him stuck thinking he did make the best decision by leaving. When all along we've missed some major parts of communicating. At least speaking your thoughts and listening to others. He doesn't do that though . He. clams up. Like I said before if it was not for my friends here. He would have been history a long time ago. Please believe me when I say, I really wish I had an ounce of putting. up with bull crap or even over looking when I'm being blatantly led on...but I don't. Ma ybe that's a character flaw I have. I'm just a blunt realist i feel.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Nemo he's slowly inching his way back home. Uh huhh !  Good luck girlie! !


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm not giving up completey Lost. I too still want an R. Just not by any means necessary. You and I just have two different levels of what is acceptable. during these times. I need more than what he's tying to give I feel. Even though he is doing ask of these actions. Him not communicating puts him in the same category with me as if all his actions were just like your H behavior. Though I don't want you all to divorce. At least he flat out hadtold you he does. It's your choice to continue to strive towards an R. I just want to make the best decision based on what either of us want. I've not been given that option. I'm forced to wonder if im making the wrong decision based off my own analogies. Because he don't talk about his wants. The last time I asked he said he was done. So maybe this is why he doesn't just say it. Maybe became he feels he's already said it and I chose not to listen? I know I over analyze things. If he does still want this deep down inside. .then had you ask to thank that I've heldon this far. Not that I don't want him. Bit simply because I'm ready to get the pain over with, so I keep wanting to just stop it all by ending things. But he comes right back in some kind of way to wrap me right back in.... *sighs*
> 
> So don't think that just because i have constant andevenintimate. even intimate contact with my H that I am any closer to a R than you are, im not. In factI'm even closer to a D than you are. Simply because I'm such a get it over with type person. .that I'm not sure that one day the situation gets the best of me and I do make it to file and possibly follow through with it.
> 
> He thinking"hey she really doesn't love me...she filed. Then him stuck thinking he did make the best decision by leaving. When all along we've missed some major parts of communicating. At least speaking your thoughts and listening to others. He doesn't do that though . He. clams up. Like I said before if it was not for my friends here. He would have been history a long time ago. Please believe me when I say, I really wish I had an ounce of putting. up with bull crap or even over looking when I'm being blatantly led on...but I don't. Ma ybe that's a character flaw I have. I'm just a blunt realist i feel.


We are so unbelievably alike, its actually kind of scary now. But let me tell you something... I had a convo with hubby about this this week (I was staying at my sisters watching her kids while she worked nights). Well, technically, I sent him an email (easier to get what I want to say out with overreacting or getting over emotional) explaining my thoughts on the situation and said we can talk about it the next day. He read it, said he hadn't thought about it like that and to give him time to respond. And he didn't..at all. That was monday. If I would text him about it, he would ignore it. It got to the point where I told him yesterday that I've had enough. I feel like this is all a game to him and he has no real intention of even trying, explaining why I thought that. He did not respond.

So last night, I stopped by his place real quick to pick something up for the girls. While there, he told me he really wanted to try.. thats why he wants to go to councilling. He said that he doesn't answer those questions/texts because he doesn't know what to say. And, of course, when he doesn't answer I ASSUME it means something it doesn't... or that he's done and just trying to push ME into walking away, so that he can save face. Which leads him to feel that I won't believe him if he told me anyway. Which is the way its always been. I "react" to EVERYTHING (and I don't mean in anger or anything) like it all has a meaning, or says something, that it just doesn't have. And if he doesn't say or do something to immediately calm those thoughts... I am obviously right. I have a feeling that you are much the same as me.

The point I'm making... I finally understand that despite his not truly "saying" things, he actually WANTS us to work. I know he loves me and I know he wants to be with me. HE doesn't know how to do that. He acted all lovingly this past 6 months while we were living with him because he wanted to be with his family. Being "separated" meant he got to do that without the pressure of fixing things he didn't know how to fix. Its the same as your situation. They aren't just USING us... they aren't out looking for other women, they aren't trying to move on without us, they are SCARED and don't know how to change the dynamic. Because, when you truly think about it... the way both of us, I assume, deal with things would be scary to anyone. Everything is black and white, yes or no, need an answer, its going good or its over. Its IMPOSSIBLE for anyone else to deal with. 

Despite being the one who TRULY felt the frustration I had this week, and knowing it was MY truth, I can look at his point and say... ok how would I have responded if he answered my texts and said "your wrong, I do want to try"... Me: "well then why do you not talk to me?" "Why do you do this" on and on... Making him prove/defend his feelings to me because EVERYTHING has to have a meaning in my mind. Which, in turn, makes him say why bother saying anything? He again told me yesterday, he wants us to live together, he wants us to go to councilling and he wants to save all "US" conversation for councilling. I can understand why, now, and will respect that. 

Your H is the same... they ARE NOT going to waste their time on us if they were looking to move on from us. Both our H's invited us to move in to THIER homes... the places they got to get away from us. They may not have the words, but their ACTIONS say more than their words could. I don't know about you, but I think its HIGH time I start actually believing my H when he SHOWS me how he feels. 

**Oh, and in case Tron is reading, YES, I have an IC appointment scheduled for tuesday morning (Canada Day on monday). Even I can't understand what the H*** happens in those moment but I sure hope this one can help me figure it out before I lose my family for good.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> You're right. I did just that. I did however tell him I was leaving and got absolutely no response as if I said nothing. So I took as maybe that's what he wanted. What i'm not understanding that out of this whole thing is if he wants us together, why can't he just say it. Or if in in his mind he has some kind of time frame for this charade that we have going on..heck let me in on it, i may oblige. By him not doing either leaves me dangling what to make of it all. I asked him months ago what were do he told me that he was done. So if he's done, why the contact? Why the need to be around me...why continue to want me involved with his family? Im trying to stop over analyzing. I've stopped the screaming and the crying for the most part...hopefully that's next so i can get a clearer understanding of it all.


Men don't share their feelings as often as we do, they are from Mars remember  Have your read Men are from Mars? There's also another one called when Mars and Venus collide. He does still want you, he just can't express this. He might have had a bad day at work. Next time he is on his period, ask him what is wrong. If he says nothing, then leave him to sulk  Nemo is right when she says you are confusing him with his big daddy gift and then moving out.
I always have to take a step back with my H as he's just confusing me. Like last Weds, he came round as usual to look after our son and he offered to drive me to the bus station to catch my bus. I have to just take it as - this is him wanting to be friends. I let him do all the running around and I don't precipitate.
Tomorrow when he drops my son off from swimming, I won't be available as I've got a friend round to have her legs waxed! So he won't be able to hang around and have a coffee and a chat as normal. This 180 is getting easier now, I get it now  Hopefully H will start to see the changes in me 
Gotta go now, I'm doing a boot sale this morning with my friend  I'll read the other posts later


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm not giving up completey Lost. I too still want an R.
> He thinking"hey she really doesn't love me...she filed. Then him stuck thinking he did make the best decision by leaving. When all along we've missed some major parts of communicating. At least speaking your thoughts and listening to others. He doesn't do that though . He. clams up. Like I said before if it was not for my friends here. He would have been history a long time ago. Please believe me when I say, I really wish I had an ounce of putting. up with bull crap or even over looking when I'm being blatantly led on...but I don't. Ma ybe that's a character flaw I have. I'm just a blunt realist i feel.


Catch, the divorce busting and divorce remedy books are two of the best books I've read so far! They aren't just for people who are going through a divorce, they mainly talk a lot about better communication with your H and help you to have a better marriage. I urge you to start reading them, they've helped me a lot and I feel they'll help you as well


----------



## Tron

NotEZ said:


> **Oh, and in case Tron is reading, YES, I have an IC appointment scheduled for tuesday morning (Canada Day on monday). Even I can't understand what the H*** happens in those moment but I sure hope this one can help me figure it out before I lose my family for good.


On vacation for the next 2 weeks and read when I get the chance...which is not very often.

Not EZ...Good luck!

And Catch...more "reacting". NotEZ is right about your H, but what you do with that is up to you. Maybe you built up enough for him to stay a while. Don't know, but keep trying. I take it IC still hasn't given you much to work with? If not keep reading.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> We are so unbelievably alike, its actually kind of scary now. But let me tell you something... I had a convo with hubby about this this week (I was staying at my sisters watching her kids while she worked nights). Well, technically, I sent him an email (easier to get what I want to say out with overreacting or getting over emotional) explaining my thoughts on the situation and said we can talk about it the next day. He read it, said he hadn't thought about it like that and to give him time to respond. And he didn't..at all. That was monday. If I would text him about it, he would ignore it. It got to the point where I told him yesterday that I've had enough. I feel like this is all a game to him and he has no real intention of even trying, explaining why I thought that. He did not respond.
> 
> So last night, I stopped by his place real quick to pick something up for the girls. While there, he told me he really wanted to try.. thats why he wants to go to councilling. He said that he doesn't answer those questions/texts because he doesn't know what to say. And, of course, when he doesn't answer I ASSUME it means something it doesn't... or that he's done and just trying to push ME into walking away, so that he can save face. Which leads him to feel that I won't believe him if he told me anyway. Which is the way its always been. I "react" to EVERYTHING (and I don't mean in anger or anything) like it all has a meaning, or says something, that it just doesn't have. And if he doesn't say or do something to immediately calm those thoughts... I am obviously right. I have a feeling that you are much the same as me.
> 
> The point I'm making... I finally understand that despite his not truly "saying" things, he actually WANTS us to work. I know he loves me and I know he wants to be with me. HE doesn't know how to do that. He acted all lovingly this past 6 months while we were living with him because he wanted to be with his family. Being "separated" meant he got to do that without the pressure of fixing things he didn't know how to fix. Its the same as your situation. They aren't just USING us... they aren't out looking for other women, they aren't trying to move on without us, they are SCARED and don't know how to change the dynamic. Because, when you truly think about it... the way both of us, I assume, deal with things would be scary to anyone. Everything is black and white, yes or no, need an answer, its going good or its over. Its IMPOSSIBLE for anyone else to deal with.
> 
> Despite being the one who TRULY felt the frustration I had this week, and knowing it was MY truth, I can look at his point and say... ok how would I have responded if he answered my texts and said "your wrong, I do want to try"... Me: "well then why do you not talk to me?" "Why do you do this" on and on... Making him prove/defend his feelings to me because EVERYTHING has to have a meaning in my mind. Which, in turn, makes him say why bother saying anything? He again told me yesterday, he wants us to live together, he wants us to go to councilling and he wants to save all "US" conversation for councilling. I can understand why, now, and will respect that.
> 
> Your H is the same... they ARE NOT going to waste their time on us if they were looking to move on from us. Both our H's invited us to move in to THIER homes... the places they got to get away from us. They may not have the words, but their ACTIONS say more than their words could. I don't know about you, but I think its HIGH time I start actually believing my H when he SHOWS me how he feels.
> 
> **Oh, and in case Tron is reading, YES, I have an IC appointment scheduled for tuesday morning (Canada Day on monday). Even I can't understand what the H*** happens in those moment but I sure hope this one can help me figure it out before I lose my family for good.


This makes so much sense to me now. It really does. You're right its scary how our lives are mirroring each others in so many ways!! I want to start believing him. That's on me and my issues though. It's taking me a minute. But hopefully it'll be sooner or later. 

What you said just makes so much sense now. It's like a light bulb came on or something. Im glad that you all had your conversation. ..for one you needed it. For two, i appreciate the interpretation I got of a conversation I wasn't even a part of. He's been cool for the most part since then. He stayed here the night before and we talkes on the phone until about 2 this a.m. So all is well for right now.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> On vacation for the next 2 weeks and read when I get the chance...which is not very often.
> 
> Not EZ...Good luck!
> 
> And Catch...more "reacting". NotEZ is right about your H, but what you do with that is up to you. Maybe you built up enough for him to stay a while. Don't know, but keep trying. I take it IC still hasn't given you much to work with? If not keep reading.


Yes, what she said really hit home with me. Has my wheels spinning big time.that was very helpful. No it hasn't(IC). I'm still reading . Not as much as I was before. Getting back into the workforce has been a pretty good transition, except for me working in some reading time like I want to. Have fun on vacay !! I want a keychain too..lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, the divorce busting and divorce remedy books are two of the best books I've read so far! They aren't just for people who are going through a divorce, they mainly talk a lot about better communication with your H and help you to have a better marriage. I urge you to start reading them, they've helped me a lot and I feel they'll help you as well


I just may take you up on that. I've got to finish this one soon though. Busy, busy , busy since starting work.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Men don't share their feelings as often as we do, they are from Mars remember  Have your read Men are from Mars? There's also another one called when Mars and Venus collide. He does still want you, he just can't express this. He might have had a bad day at work. Next time he is on his period, ask him what is wrong. If he says nothing, then leave him to sulk  Nemo is right when she says you are confusing him with his big daddy gift and then moving out.
> I always have to take a step back with my H as he's just confusing me. Like last Weds, he came round as usual to look after our son and he offered to drive me to the bus station to catch my bus. I have to just take it as - this is him wanting to be friends. I let him do all the running around and I don't precipitate.
> Tomorrow when he drops my son off from swimming, I won't be available as I've got a friend round to have her legs waxed! So he won't be able to hang around and have a coffee and a chat as normal. This 180 is getting easier now, I get it now  Hopefully H will start to see the changes in me
> Gotta go now, I'm doing a boot sale this morning with my friend  I'll read the other posts later


I have heard great things about the men are from mars ....for years now. Even before marriage I think. Part of my dilemma I guess. See I, to a certain extent ,I would assume know this about men. I do feel however that some people are not meant to be together. Thats just IMO.. So knowing that men don't communicate like we do..i also know they do however communicate. So with us having this cycle of issues. I often feel like just maybe I'm with the wrong person no matter how "right" it feels. That's a question nothing but time can or will tell maybe. In search of that answer, i stand the chance of suffering much more pain. That'sscary. to me. I'm tough as nails on everything but love. So protecting myself is a natural response to me not wanting any more hurt. My issue I know. is over analyzing. Just something else U have to work on.


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## catch22gofigure

This kind of stuff I mainly see as entertainment. Its very close about 85% puff the t times i have checked it. This is my love horoscope today Leo
Another Sign • Back

All About Leo
Leo in 2013
Leo Personality
Leo Key Words
Famous Leo
Leo in Love
Friends and Family
Career and Money
Leo Teens
Leo Pets

Yesterday • Today • Tomorrow • Weekly • Monthly • More

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2013
Share with friends:

The current planetary alignment could reveal a flaw in your
current relationship, a crack in the wall that simply refuses
to be covered up. There may be a subject that needs to be
discussed that both of you have so far avoided with a
vengeance. But, guess what, you cannot avoid it any longer, as
the moment of reckoning is here and you just have to speak
up




Now this my friends is kinda uhhhh , dead on today


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## catch22gofigure

Uhhh and his


e: Virgo
Another Sign • Back

All About Virgo
Virgo in 2013
Virgo Personality
Virgo Key Words
Famous Virgo
Virgo in Love
Friends and Family
Career and Money
Virgo Teens
Virgo Pets

Yesterday • Today • Tomorrow • Weekly • Monthly • More

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2013
Share with friends:

You don't need to be extra sulky, or particularly moody to get
your point across, though with the current astral
configuration you will certainly feel like being as
uncooperative as possible. If you want to end the relationship
you are in, then this is one way to get the ball rolling; but if
you wish to continue, then it may be best to start being
more communicative.


Really ? Wow. Ok I'll give them 86% accuracy. ..


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## NotEZ

Well good news, Catch... if you believe in this stuff you should have an answer by September 19...

2013 Love Forecast â€“ Virgo Horoscopes â€“ Love Horoscopes at LivePerson

Seriously, the man LOVES you... just go with that for a while. Any doubt he might have is not coming from him, its coming from YOU.

Edit: And when I respond to you, I'm talking to me too.


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## lostwithouthim

I came across this site yesterday and it has some good inspirational stuff on it - thinkaboutit
The below passage has really struck a chord with me and I think it'll apply to each one of us 
Whatever challenge you are facing, whatever trial you may be enduring, if you believe and trust in the Lord, you will come out on the other side wiser, stronger and more fit for the Kingdom. However, this depends on your attitude about the challenges that you are facing, because you can either choose to let them make you better or bitter. I would hope that you would choose the former (better) because life will continue to go on while you are bitter, angry and miserable. And, how, in the final analysis, will that make your life more enriching? It will not. There are times when God allows us to go through difficult circumstances (no one promised you that life would be a bed of roses when you became a Christian), because those are experiences that best prepare us to be stronger and wiser people. If we had good times and victories all the time, we would not really learn any lessons; as a result, we would not grow. As with school, it is only during a test (and afterwards) that you see how much you have learned. So, please choose to allow the tough experiences that you are going through to make you a better person, for as God told the prophet Jeremiah, His thoughts toward us are "of peace and not evil...." So, think about it, and have a blessed week!


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Well good news, Catch... if you believe in this stuff you should have an answer by September 19...
> 
> 2013 Love Forecast â€“ Virgo Horoscopes â€“ Love Horoscopes at LivePerson
> 
> Seriously, the man LOVES you... just go with that for a while. Any doubt he might have is not coming from him, its coming from YOU.
> 
> Edit: And when I respond to you, I'm talking to me too.


Lol...ya know what funny ?? That's his bday !!:rofl: Well im gonna accept your response as my truth for now. 

Ya gotta admit though. This stuff is a little to accurate for both our signs. Spooks me...


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## catch22gofigure

NotEz...it's all making sense now. I think he's trying to connect again. He didn't stay over last night;but we talked on the phone until like 2a.m after he got off. Then he was at my house by 7 a.m. and came to cut the grass. Then went to come up with every excuse in the book for me to come over to his house. So im here and he's cooking Sunday dinner. Keep me in you prayers you guys ...this attitude and way of thinking is so deep seated in me. That its been much harder than I thought to get over. It's also hormonal, i've noticed that I have these rejection spats with him when its "my time"...smh uggghhhh i got a ways to go.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> NotEz...it's all making sense now. I think he's trying to connect again. He didn't stay over last night;but we talked on the phone until like 2a.m after he got off. Then he was at my house by 7 a.m. and came to cut the grass. Then went to come up with every excuse in the book for me to come over to his house. So im here and he's cooking Sunday dinner. Keep me in you prayers you guys ...this attitude and way of thinking is so deep seated in me. That its been much harder than I thought to get over. It's also hormonal, i've noticed that I have these rejection spats with him when its "my time"...smh uggghhhh i got a ways to go.


It's going to take a while Catch, it's understandable! He left you and now he wants to come back. Although your heart is saying "YES!!!!", your brain is saying "Are you sure about this?". Are you still seeing an IC? What does she think about it? 
In the book divorce remedy it says that if you're having any R, you MUST take things slowly. Even if your H is acting like it's just the norm for him and he didn't leave in the first place! I know - been there, got the T-shirt! Is he rug sweeping? Even if he doesn't want to talk about it and you don't want to break the harmony, things have to be said. You need to talk about it, but without shouting at each other or getting annoyed with each other. How can you learn to trust him again if he won't open up to you?
I've probably got the whole situation wrong here, if I have then sorry I was just trying to put my 2 cents worth in 
Enjoy yourself tonight as a family and DON'T RUSH THINGS! You maybe as horny as heck, but you've got to take things slowly. Remember what happened last time  
I've nothing much to report here. I've not been in contact with my H much. He texted me today to say he couldn't see his son today and he'll be round tomorrow to pick him up. I said that's ok I'm taking him tomorrow as I've finished college  I've arranged for him to pick our son up on Weds as usual. I'm in college for an end of term party 
Even though I've finished college, I'm still busy this week! My friend said she's got nothing to do this week, so I offered to swap lives with her. Her immediate reaction was - no thanks! lol.


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## catch22gofigure

I told you all that IC was a quack and not trustworthy. She told me information about another client of hers that I happen to know personally. What she shared was not my business to know nor hers to share. So I have an appt with one that I saw years ago. And Lost this man does not want to come home hun..idk where you read that one at. He just doesn't want to lose me completely is all it seems. Im taking it slow. Scared though that slowing it all the way down is gonna cause me to completely want to stop the whole train. I ate dinner that he cooked and it was really good. Im back home now though. I have work in the morning. I don't want to drag my things back over there or inconvenience myself by leaving from work over there. All of my things are here. He is more than welcome to continue spending more time over here. I'm just not going to inconvenience myself anymore than I have to. Not being mean at all. But I do have to do whats best for me as well.


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## Finding Nemo

Not much to report here either. Friday night we had a storm so my husband quickly put our daughter in his car and we all drove off in our separate directions. He sent me a text to let me know they made it to the apartment unharmed and wanted to know if I was okay, too. By this time the storm had brought a couple of tornado formations near by. He was supposed to bring our daughter home yesterday, but apparently they spent the day sleeping and he didn't do any of his community service work. They went to see a movie and he brought her home this afternoon and tried to make it back in time, but that didn't work out for him either. 

Other than that...he sent me a picture of some mats that he saw in a store that he wants me to buy and put under the kitchen and bathroom sinks. He told me on Friday that he is on call this weekend and through next week....which means there is a good chance we won't see him at all for at least a week and a half. 

We invited him to go see fireworks with us Thursday evening and a have a picnic near a lake, but chances are he will come up with some kind of excuse so that he doesn't have to be near me. :banghead:

I am going to continue with my nightly emails, etc. And hopefully I will get to start work this week. I did my drug screen test and they started the background check ... that was all that was left over before I could start the training process. I really could use a pay check right about now so I hope it doesn't take too much longer. I found a place for my daughter to spend the day for not a lot of money and she will get to be with other kids playing games, doing arts and crafts, etc. She will be safe and that is what matters to me. 

Lost, thank you for the inspirational information. I have been a bit down today so this was extremely helpful. I am proud of you for getting your college work finished. What's next for our girl? 

Catch, it is good to hear that you are home, but also interacting with your husband. I was afraid you were going to run home to hide and not face your problems. But, here you are doing just that and for that I am proud of you. 

NotEz..I am proud of you, too. This marriage stuff is not easy at all. Way to hang in there and try to make it work. 

I am off to finish laundry and clean house. I want to try and get things organized so that I can hire a carpet cleaning service to come and clean my carpets soon. They are over due for a cleaning by about 6 months. ICK!!


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> This kind of stuff I mainly see as entertainment. Its very close about 85% puff the t times i have checked it. This is my love horoscope today Leo
> Another Sign • Back
> 
> All About Leo
> Leo in 2013
> Leo Personality
> Leo Key Words
> Famous Leo
> Leo in Love
> Friends and Family
> Career and Money
> Leo Teens
> Leo Pets
> 
> Yesterday • Today • Tomorrow • Weekly • Monthly • More
> 
> SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2013
> Share with friends:
> 
> The current planetary alignment could reveal a flaw in your
> current relationship, a crack in the wall that simply refuses
> to be covered up. There may be a subject that needs to be
> discussed that both of you have so far avoided with a
> vengeance. But, guess what, you cannot avoid it any longer, as
> the moment of reckoning is here and you just have to speak
> up
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Now this my friends is kinda uhhhh , dead on today




My husband I are both Leos, too. Our birthdays are a week apart. I agree...we have a crack alright. It's the crack in my husband's crazy head. :rofl:


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, the divorce busting and divorce remedy books are two of the best books I've read so far! They aren't just for people who are going through a divorce, they mainly talk a lot about better communication with your H and help you to have a better marriage. I urge you to start reading them, they've helped me a lot and I feel they'll help you as well




I can't wait to get my first paycheck. In the past we would have gone out to celebrate this type of event as a family. I guess this time I shall celebrate with my news friends at the book store.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I told you all that IC was a quack and not trustworthy. She told me information about another client of hers that I happen to know personally. What she shared was not my business to know nor hers to share. So I have an appt with one that I saw years ago. And Lost this man does not want to come home hun..idk where you read that one at. He just doesn't want to lose me completely is all it seems. Im taking it slow. Scared though that slowing it all the way down is gonna cause me to completely want to stop the whole train. I ate dinner that he cooked and it was really good. Im back home now though. I have work in the morning. I don't want to drag my things back over there or inconvenience myself by leaving from work over there. All of my things are here. He is more than welcome to continue spending more time over here. I'm just not going to inconvenience myself anymore than I have to. Not being mean at all. But I do have to do whats best for me as well.


Sorry I can't keep up with everyone's ics, lol. I didn't mean your home, I meant his house, sorry I should've been more specific xx glad you enjoyed your time together yesterday xx have you asked him lately about moving back into your home? He seems very stubborn to me, lol. I understand about all these bad memories for him, but if he helped you decorate then it would be like a new house anyway  hopefully I'll get a chance to do some decorating at my home soon xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lostwithouthim

Nemo, Why would your H come up with an excuse not to see you? I thought you were getting on ok?
I'm hoping to set up my own business from home and in September I will be starting level 3.
Speak to your soon, have a good day


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> My husband I are both Leos, too. Our birthdays are a week apart. I agree...we have a crack alright. It's the crack in my husband's crazy head. :rofl:


I try not to read too much into this stuff. But from what i've read my husband and I are not astrologically compatible.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Sorry I can't keep up with everyone's ics, lol. I didn't mean your home, I meant his house, sorry I should've been more specific xx glad you enjoyed your time together yesterday xx have you asked him lately about moving back into your home? He seems very stubborn to me, lol. I understand about all these bad memories for him, but if he helped you decorate then it would be like a new house anyway  hopefully I'll get a chance to do some decorating at my home soon xx
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's ok and no i haven't asked him though.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Had a busy and interesting day today  in between running around doing stuff, my h called in when I was waiting at the bus stop to go to town. He said he wanted to borrow the vacuum cleaner to vacumn out his car. He said he'd run me into town, so he had time to clean his car before we set off. I made myself scarce whilst he was cleaning his car and sorted some stuff out upstairs. Doing this 180 is getting easier  he liked my plans of having a chill out room for my son and is going to help me move the furniture. 
When he ran me to town he said he'd wait for me but I said I'm meeting some friends in town so he needn't wait around. He asked me when he can come and move the furniture and I said I was busy all this week so it'll have to be next week now! He then asked me what I was doing whilst he had my son at the w/end and I said I've not made any plans yet. When I talked mentioned about the furniture, I said "we've decided". He said, "we?". I said yes me and our son lol. I think this 180 is working but I'm not pinning my hopes on it. He'll probably still go to see the solicitor next week!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Sorry I can't keep up with everyone's ics, lol. I didn't mean your home, I meant his house, sorry I should've been more specific xx glad you enjoyed your time together yesterday xx have you asked him lately about moving back into your home? He seems very stubborn to me, lol. I understand about all these bad memories for him, but if he helped you decorate then it would be like a new house anyway  hopefully I'll get a chance to do some decorating at my home soon xx
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's ok and no i haven't asked him though.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Idk how I did that twice either. ..


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Had a busy and interesting day today  in between running around doing stuff, my h called in when I was waiting at the bus stop to go to town. He said he wanted to borrow the vacuum cleaner to vacumn out his car. He said he'd run me into town, so he had time to clean his car before we set off. I made myself scarce whilst he was cleaning his car and sorted some stuff out upstairs. Doing this 180 is getting easier  he liked my plans of having a chill out room for my son and is going to help me move the furniture.
> When he ran me to town he said he'd wait for me but I said I'm meeting some friends in town so he needn't wait around. He asked me when he can come and move the furniture and I said I was busy all this week so it'll have to be next week now! He then asked me what I was doing whilst he had my son at the w/end and I said I've not made any plans yet. When I talked mentioned about the furniture, I said "we've decided". He said, "we?". I said yes me and our son lol. I think this 180 is working but I'm not pinning my hopes on it. He'll probably still go to see the solicitor next week!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you're doing well with the 180. I feel with the 180 that even if it doesn't produce a R. It's still successful if you have healed you from it all. He seems to be trying now to find reasons to come around and be around you more. At least thats how it seems to me.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I think you're doing well with the 180. I feel with the 180 that even if it doesn't produce a R. It's still successful if you have healed you from it all. He seems to be trying now to find reasons to come around and be around you more. At least thats how it seems to me.


It does seem that with me as well, but I'm trying not to be too hopeful. I'm confused now, only the other month he was talking about D and so now I don't know what to think. 
It's 2.30 here in the UK and I'm up and wide awake! The Valerian didn't work tonight, lol. I've just been sat here waiting for a response from you guys.
Today there were little things that made me go "hmmmm". He commented on a bruise on the back of my leg and he commented on my nail varnish in a good way.
Basically I'm over analysing and trying not to be hopeful. I've had this warm fuzzy feeling all night and can't stop smiling. I keep trying to bring myself down to earth by reminding myself this is just him being friendly and he's planning a D! This is why I'm wide awake!!!! I was just starting to feel tired when you popped up Catch, lol. I don't want to get hurt again and by being hopeful and then getting served the D papers, I'm going to come back down to earth with a very big bump!
I've been praying like crazy. I've asked God every night to touch H's heart and not to file for D. Maybe God has a hand in this, maybe not! Who knows!


----------



## lostwithouthim

ok now I'm really off to bed, yawn :O Hopefully I'll get some sleep this time, night Catch and anyone else who pops on


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> ok now I'm really off to bed, yawn :O Hopefully I'll get some sleep this time, night Catch and anyone else who pops on




Good night Lost. Hope the Sandman :sleeping: finds his way to you tonight. 

I don't think he will be visiting me tonight. Today is the 6 month anniversary of my husband being away. It's going to be a long night...


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I think you're doing well with the 180. I feel with the 180 that even if it doesn't produce a R. It's still successful if you have healed you from it all. He seems to be trying now to find reasons to come around and be around you more. At least thats how it seems to me.


I don't know how they do it -- It is driving me insane for my family not to be together.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I don't know how they do it -- It is driving me insane for my family not to be together.


I agree Nemo  Hope you did manage to get some sleep, I'm shattered this morning :O


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree Nemo  Hope you did manage to get some sleep, I'm shattered this morning :O


No sleep for the weary yet. I was just about to crawl into the covers and beg for mercy and sleep, but alas I was distracted in a very good way. My phone had died earlier and I had to recharge it. When it came back on there were a bunch of messages from my husband. He was out walking and wanted to check on us. We have been sending messages back and forth for about two hours now. He has work in the morning so he is off to bed now. I should be heading back to bed as well, but now my mind if kind of racing. We didn't talk about much tonight. Mostly about how he's been walking every night after work and he is trying to reach a certain goal by the end of summer. And we talked about some TV shows that we used to watch together. I won't be picky. I'll accept it for what it is...I asked if everything is okay when he was initially trying to reach me and he said yes...just wanted to see how you girls are doing and if you are okay. I am kind of mess because I think I mentioned earlier it's been exactly 6 months since the last time he stepped foot in our house. It hurts when he calls his apartment home because that is not his home. I live in our home.  Not getting my hopes up, but I really do hope my husband is starting to think of things in a different way. Maybe all the waiting for him to make up his mind won't be in vain.  I want to be his wife. Not his friend.


----------



## lostwithouthim

That's how I feel as well, I want to be my h's wife and not his friend. It sounds positive with you though, all this texting back and forth. It annoys me as well that my h still calls our house home. You want to scream at them, this is not your home anymore! He's not done it for a while though, I try not to call it home in front of him. Yesterday he joked that he'd charge family rates to move the furniture. I thought well if you divorce me, we're not going to be a family anymore! Talk about sending me mixed signals! I just wish I knew what God has planned for me. I don't want to have to go thru anymore hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> That's how I feel as well, I want to be my h's wife and not his friend. It sounds positive with you though, all this texting back and forth. It annoys me as well that my h still calls our house home. You want to scream at them, this is not your home anymore! He's not done it for a while though, I try not to call it home in front of him. Yesterday he joked that he'd charge family rates to move the furniture. I thought well if you divorce me, we're not going to be a family anymore! Talk about sending me mixed signals! I just wish I knew what God has planned for me. I don't want to have to go thru anymore hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Ah...but it is only text about small talk kind of stuff and nothing more. He doesn't tell me he misses me. He doesn't say I love you or anything like that. I am still floored about what he said in regard to the condom, but then again I don't know why he would worry about saying something like that to me. He is comfortable enough to tell me that he needs to go take a poop, so I guess it's no different. Last night I am pretty sure he fell asleep mid thought because he sent me part of a sentence and then nothing else came in. I just said good night and let it be. 

I really don't know why he is contacting me so much. Could be the fact that I am appealing now that I have a good paying job. My FIL's girlfriend says he hasn't shut up about it since the first smaller paying job. Now that it's a higher paying job he is excited about it. Could be that something was said to him in his classes or in his one on one sessions with the counselor. He told me the counselor asked him to explain why he was there and then the counselor spoke on my behalf based on statements I have written and things I have said to my advocates. I don't know what exactly was said, but I have always spoken positive of my husband and our situation and I haven't changed my opinion at any point along the way. 

I did miss the text from him tonight. I was outside working in the yard. Also, it was a weird message that said ONCE. So I said HUH? as a reply. Then about an hour went by and still nothing. So, I tried to be playful and said...Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a little old hobbit with big hairy feet. That is in reference to the book / movie The Hobbit. That is my husband and my daughter's favorite book. They started reading it together when she was around 4 or 5. I would lay in my bed and listen to him read to her and him trying to answer a bazillion questions. It took forever for him to finish reading the book to her -- about a month, but he stayed with it night after night. 

Dang! I miss him as I know my daughter does, too. Going to shed a couple of tears and then get back to looking after my daughter and myself. Only positive thoughts are allowed in my house tonight.  I will send him my nightly email and explain I wasn't ignoring him. I was just busy living life.  Of course, those won't be the exact words I say to him, but I think you guys know what I mean.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> That's how I feel as well, I want to be my h's wife and not his friend. It sounds positive with you though, all this texting back and forth. It annoys me as well that my h still calls our house home. You want to scream at them, this is not your home anymore! He's not done it for a while though, I try not to call it home in front of him. Yesterday he joked that he'd charge family rates to move the furniture. I thought well if you divorce me, we're not going to be a family anymore! Talk about sending me mixed signals! I just wish I knew what God has planned for me. I don't want to have to go thru anymore hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



With my husband the family rate used to be a romp in the sack....sooooooooooooo ????? :rofl:


I am just playing. Trying to be lighthearted tonight to keep from sliding down the slippery slope of sadness and depression. I am praying for you and I will continue to pray for us all.


----------



## NotEZ

I'm having a tough night... don't know how I always slip. Once again I am at my sisters (nothing to do with H and I) because I ALWAYS babysit her kids while she works shift work. I'm totally sick of it but feel I don't have a choice because she helped me out and let me live here when I needed it. AND she doesn't have anyone lined up, so I can't do anything right now anyways. Its like I'm a single mother of 4 ALL the time (mine and hers) and its these times... when not an hour of my day is my own, that I feel the crappiest. 

H doesn't seem to care when we leave for a week. I try talk to him via text and half the time it takes forever for him to answer... or we'll be in the middle of an actual convo and he'll just stop texting back. Texts me hours later saying he fell asleep, which I know he always does. He has sickle cell anemia... after a blood transfusion his hemoglobin only reaches 85, so I do understand. He falls asleep playing video games, watching a movie, anything... but it drives me nuts and makes me question everything. He tells me to leave our kids with him instead of bringing them, but then I'm spending a week without my own kids. I feel so lost and when I try to talk to him, he is himself... concentrating on facts instead of feelings. I complain to him (just as a release) and he tells me, my sister needs to get a different job. Well, yeah, but she isn't going too... so how does that help me?

I'm, again, feeling crazy and irrational... probably sound it too. Trying to get rid of it here so when I feel stupid in the morning, its only in front of you guys who, I'm sure, understand.


----------



## Finding Nemo

NotEZ said:


> I'm having a tough night... don't know how I always slip. Once again I am at my sisters (nothing to do with H and I) because I ALWAYS babysit her kids while she works shift work. I'm totally sick of it but feel I don't have a choice because she helped me out and let me live here when I needed it. AND she doesn't have anyone lined up, so I can't do anything right now anyways. Its like I'm a single mother of 4 ALL the time (mine and hers) and its these times... when not an hour of my day is my own, that I feel the crappiest.
> 
> H doesn't seem to care when we leave for a week. I try talk to him via text and half the time it takes forever for him to answer... or we'll be in the middle of an actual convo and he'll just stop texting back. Texts me hours later saying he fell asleep, which I know he always does. He has sickle cell anemia... after a blood transfusion his hemoglobin only reaches 85, so I do understand. He falls asleep playing video games, watching a movie, anything... but it drives me nuts and makes me question everything. He tells me to leave our kids with him instead of bringing them, but then I'm spending a week without my own kids. I feel so lost and when I try to talk to him, he is himself... concentrating on facts instead of feelings. I complain to him (just as a release) and he tells me, my sister needs to get a different job. Well, yeah, but she isn't going too... so how does that help me?
> 
> I'm, again, feeling crazy and irrational... probably sound it too. Trying to get rid of it here so when I feel stupid in the morning, its only in front of you guys who, I'm sure, understand.



You don't sound crazy and irrational. You sound trapped because you love your family and you love your sister. Is there any way that you could alternate and bring her kids to your house?


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Ah...but it is only text about small talk kind of stuff and nothing more. He doesn't tell me he misses me. He doesn't say I love you or anything like that. I am still floored about what he said in regard to the condom, but then again I don't know why he would worry about saying something like that to me. He is comfortable enough to tell me that he needs to go take a poop, so I guess it's no different. Last night I am pretty sure he fell asleep mid thought because he sent me part of a sentence and then nothing else came in. I just said good night and let it be.
> 
> I really don't know why he is contacting me so much. Could be the fact that I am appealing now that I have a good paying job. My FIL's girlfriend says he hasn't shut up about it since the first smaller paying job. Now that it's a higher paying job he is excited about it. Could be that something was said to him in his classes or in his one on one sessions with the counselor. He told me the counselor asked him to explain why he was there and then the counselor spoke on my behalf based on statements I have written and things I have said to my advocates. I don't know what exactly was said, but I have always spoken positive of my husband and our situation and I haven't changed my opinion at any point along the way.
> 
> I did miss the text from him tonight. I was outside working in the yard. Also, it was a weird message that said ONCE. So I said HUH? as a reply. Then about an hour went by and still nothing. So, I tried to be playful and said...Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a little old hobbit with big hairy feet. That is in reference to the book / movie The Hobbit. That is my husband and my daughter's favorite book. They started reading it together when she was around 4 or 5. I would lay in my bed and listen to him read to her and him trying to answer a bazillion questions. It took forever for him to finish reading the book to her -- about a month, but he stayed with it night after night.
> 
> Dang! I miss him as I know my daughter does, too. Going to shed a couple of tears and then get back to looking after my daughter and myself. Only positive thoughts are allowed in my house tonight.  I will send him my nightly email and explain I wasn't ignoring him. I was just busy living life.  Of course, those won't be the exact words I say to him, but I think you guys know what I mean.


Nemo the last text he sent "once"? Could it be relating to a text he sent you previously. Just a thought  lol. 
Even though he's only sending you little texts about general chit chat, it's a start! When my H started phoning me every day when he had the affair, then we just talked about general stuff.
I think your H is proud of you for getting this job, not just the fact that you're getting more money now. It all sounds positive and good 
Don't fall into the trap of feeling elated when he texts or miserable when he doesn't, you land yourself up for a big fall. I do this and the way down on the roller coaster turns my stomach inside out, lol. 
Have a great day


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> You don't sound crazy and irrational. You sound trapped because you love your family and you love your sister. Is there any way that you could alternate and bring her kids to your house?


I agree with Nemo here  There's so much going on in your life right now, you need to be at home to gather your thoughts and to talk to us crazy guys, lol.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Ah...but it is only text about small talk kind of stuff and nothing more. He doesn't tell me he misses me. He doesn't say I love you or anything like that. I am still floored about what he said in regard to the condom, but then again I don't know why he would worry about saying something like that to me. He is comfortable enough to tell me that he needs to go take a poop, so I guess it's no different. Last night I am pretty sure he fell asleep mid thought because he sent me part of a sentence and then nothing else came in. I just said good night and let it be.
> 
> I really don't know why he is contacting me so much. Could be the fact that I am appealing now that I have a good paying job. My FIL's girlfriend says he hasn't shut up about it since the first smaller paying job. Now that it's a higher paying job he is excited about it. Could be that something was said to him in his classes or in his one on one sessions with the counselor. He told me the counselor asked him to explain why he was there and then the counselor spoke on my behalf based on statements I have written and things I have said to my advocates. I don't know what exactly was said, but I have always spoken positive of my husband and our situation and I haven't changed my opinion at any point along the way.
> 
> I did miss the text from him tonight. I was outside working in the yard. Also, it was a weird message that said ONCE. So I said HUH? as a reply. Then about an hour went by and still nothing. So, I tried to be playful and said...Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a little old hobbit with big hairy feet. That is in reference to the book / movie The Hobbit. That is my husband and my daughter's favorite book. They started reading it together when she was around 4 or 5. I would lay in my bed and listen to him read to her and him trying to answer a bazillion questions. It took forever for him to finish reading the book to her -- about a month, but he stayed with it night after night.
> 
> Dang! I miss him as I know my daughter does, too. Going to shed a couple of tears and then get back to looking after my daughter and myself. Only positive thoughts are allowed in my house tonight.  I will send him my nightly email and explain I wasn't ignoring him. I was just busy living life.  Of course, those won't be the exact words I say to him, but I think you guys know what I mean.



Its hard when you're stuck in a situation like that. This one here (H ) is constantly summoning me to be around. Even if he leaves me here at his house to go to the store, he calls at least twice before he makes it back. He doesn't really liketo text, but if im not answering and he's trying to reach me,he will text then. I've been trying to stay home more ,but believe it not he's stayed twice in the last week. Because I wouldn't come over here, yeah I know...it's crazy. We're both knee deep up the horse's bottom in bills trying to maintain two houses ,two cars, two kids still home , and two jobs both out of town. This is ludacris ! So I'm quite peeved off right now. I'm not letting it show ( I hope )...but i'm stewing inside !!


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Nemo the last text he sent "once"? Could it be relating to a text he sent you previously. Just a thought  lol.
> Even though he's only sending you little texts about general chit chat, it's a start! When my H started phoning me every day when he had the affair, then we just talked about general stuff.
> I think your H is proud of you for getting this job, not just the fact that you're getting more money now. It all sounds positive and good
> Don't fall into the trap of feeling elated when he texts or miserable when he doesn't, you land yourself up for a big fall. I do this and the way down on the roller coaster turns my stomach inside out, lol.
> Have a great day



We are about to find out just how positive and good this job really is.  My boss sent me an email asking me if I can fly to another location for a few days next week for training. I sent a message to my husband letting him know about it, but he hasn't replied back or anything. He gets busy during the day at work so I figure it will be later this evening when he picks up our daughter before I can talk to him. I have already made arrangements for my house and animals to be looked after so the only thing left to do now is to let him know he needs to look after our daughter while I am gone. FIL's girlfriend says our daughter can stay with her so that my husband doesn't have to worry about both work and our daughter at the same time. What he chooses to do will be up to him. I have done my part and made sure that everything that involves me will be safe and looked after. 

I haven't shared very much detail about the trip other than the dates and the name of the state of where I will be going. I don't have any details regarding hotel information or anything like that at the moment ... and I am wondering if I should bother with giving him that information once I know it. Maybe a little mystery will give him something to think about while I am gone.  Of course I am trying to be careful and not have this back fire on me either.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> With my husband the family rate used to be a romp in the sack....sooooooooooooo ????? :rofl:
> 
> 
> I am just playing. Trying to be lighthearted tonight to keep from sliding down the slippery slope of sadness and depression. I am praying for you and I will continue to pray for us all.


I feel ya, its sooo hard to fight that stinking down feeling. Praying for us all too DAILY..


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> You don't sound crazy and irrational. You sound trapped because you love your family and you love your sister. Is there any way that you could alternate and bring her kids to your house?


:iagree:


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Its hard when you're stuck in a situation like that. This one here (H ) is constantly summoning me to be around. Even if he leaves me here at his house to go to the store, he calls at least twice before he makes it back. He doesn't really liketo text, but if im not answering and he's trying to reach me,he will text then. I've been trying to stay home more ,but believe it not he's stayed twice in the last week. Because I wouldn't come over here, yeah I know...it's crazy. We're both knee deep up the horse's bottom in bills trying to maintain two houses ,two cars, two kids still home , and two jobs both out of town. This is ludacris ! So I'm quite peeved off right now. I'm not letting it show ( I hope )...but i'm stewing inside !!


It's good that he's finally managed to stay at home twice this week  Be patient, I know it's expensive but it seems like he's coming round slowly and surely  Remember baby steps


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> We are about to find out just how positive and good this job really is.  My boss sent me an email asking me if I can fly to another location for a few days next week for training. I sent a message to my husband letting him know about it, but he hasn't replied back or anything. He gets busy during the day at work so I figure it will be later this evening when he picks up our daughter before I can talk to him. I have already made arrangements for my house and animals to be looked after so the only thing left to do now is to let him know he needs to look after our daughter while I am gone. FIL's girlfriend says our daughter can stay with her so that my husband doesn't have to worry about both work and our daughter at the same time. What he chooses to do will be up to him. I have done my part and made sure that everything that involves me will be safe and looked after.
> 
> I haven't shared very much detail about the trip other than the dates and the name of the state of where I will be going. I don't have any details regarding hotel information or anything like that at the moment ... and I am wondering if I should bother with giving him that information once I know it. Maybe a little mystery will give him something to think about while I am gone.  Of course I am trying to be careful and not have this back fire on me either.


The thing about being mysterious is that you don't want to give too much away, but you don't want him to think you're having an affair either! If it was me I would tell him the name of the hotel in case he needs to get a message to you


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> It's good that he's finally managed to stay at home twice this week  Be patient, I know it's expensive but it seems like he's coming round slowly and surely  Remember baby steps


Thanks Lost, but you see what i mean by "acting a donkey " ? Now many think im being mean or rejecting him if you go by the bookssongs stuff I've been reading. So I try to do things by the books. He responds quickly though when he thinks he's about to lose me or notices me pulling away. I don't want the R based on my negative behavior though. It's not healthy for us;yet he responds positively to it. I want to change the dynamics, in all honesty doing so seems he isn't responding to


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> We are about to find out just how positive and good this job really is.  My boss sent me an email asking me if I can fly to another location for a few days next week for training. I sent a message to my husband letting him know about it, but he hasn't replied back or anything. He gets busy during the day at work so I figure it will be later this evening when he picks up our daughter before I can talk to him. I have already made arrangements for my house and animals to be looked after so the only thing left to do now is to let him know he needs to look after our daughter while I am gone. FIL's girlfriend says our daughter can stay with her so that my husband doesn't have to worry about both work and our daughter at the same time. What he chooses to do will be up to him. I have done my part and made sure that everything that involves me will be safe and looked after.
> 
> I haven't shared very much detail about the trip other than the dates and the name of the state of where I will be going. I don't have any details regarding hotel information or anything like that at the moment ... and I am wondering if I should bother with giving him that information once I know it. Maybe a little mystery will give him something to think about while I am gone.  Of course I am trying to be careful and not have this back fire on me either.


Wow, idk i don't want it to backfire on you either . This is the perfect opportunity for a lot of things. Mann where s Tron ? You surely need him to answer this one.


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## catch22gofigure

:iagree:


lostwithouthim said:


> The thing about being mysterious is that you don't want to give too much away, but you don't want him to think you're having an affair either! If it was me I would tell him the name of the hotel in case he needs to get a message to you


:iagree:


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> :iagree:
> 
> :iagree:


Going to play this a little different than I was originally thinking. I was going to be a hard donkey's behind and not say anything and just go away for a few days. But, I am going to leave this in his hands. He knows I going away for a few days and he said that he would give me money to take with me and everything to make sure that I am safe in case of emergency. We are supposed to talk later tonight. I will tell him that I have the flight information, etc and ask him if he would mind if I sent him a copy. Apparently I won't know the hotel information or anything until I get there so I will ask him if he will care if I contact him with the information. This way there isn't any guess work involved. If he accepts the information, I will know that it will be okay to make contact with him because other wise why would he care about any other this stuff, right? :scratchhead:

Catch, you are right. Where is Tron when I need him?


Edited to add...this H of mine is going to drive me nuts. He says to me....I don't know when you are leaving or where you are going or anything. He says what's the deal with that. And I said...I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. He says...I don't either. I said I printed all of the travel information for you in case you wanted it and he said...thank you, I would appreciate that. So...I think I am on the right track so far. He is trying to help me, but there have been a lot of snags along the way as to how much he wants to help me and how much he can really help me. I'll take this as a good thing for now.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Going to play this a little different than I was originally thinking. I was going to be a hard donkey's behind and not say anything and just go away for a few days. But, I am going to leave this in his hands. He knows I going away for a few days and he said that he would give me money to take with me and everything to make sure that I am safe in case of emergency. We are supposed to talk later tonight. I will tell him that I have the flight information, etc and ask him if he would mind if I sent him a copy. Apparently I won't know the hotel information or anything until I get there so I will ask him if he will care if I contact him with the information. This way there isn't any guess work involved. If he accepts the information, I will know that it will be okay to make contact with him because other wise why would he care about any other this stuff, right? :scratchhead:
> 
> Catch, you are right. Where is Tron when I need him?
> 
> 
> Edited to add...this H of mine is going to drive me nuts. He says to me....I don't know when you are leaving or where you are going or anything. He says what's the deal with that. And I said...I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. He says...I don't either. I said I printed all of the travel information for you in case you wanted it and he said...thank you, I would appreciate that. So...I think I am on the right track so far. He is trying to help me, but there have been a lot of snags along the way as to how much he wants to help me and how much he can really help me. I'll take this as a good thing for now.


I think this is a really good thing. You took your time and thought it out. Proud of ya ! And now at least you know up front where you all stand about your leaving. He's looking forward to contact and caring about your well being. These few days may provide you a lil R&R ...even though its business. Change of atmosphere for a while...


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> That's how I feel as well, I want to be my h's wife and not his friend. It sounds positive with you though, all this texting back and forth. It annoys me as well that my h still calls our house home. You want to scream at them, this is not your home anymore! He's not done it for a while though, I try not to call it home in front of him. Yesterday he joked that he'd charge family rates to move the furniture. I thought well if you divorce me, we're not going to be a family anymore! Talk about sending me mixed signals! I just wish I knew what God has planned for me. I don't want to have to go thru anymore hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi lost , guys. Sorry l haven't had the head space for this lately and l really wanted you to get some fresh input more than anything. I think Tron and others are much better at this stuff especially right now . But l do drop in to scan how your all doing.
But lost . The family rates was just a bad joke , think nothing of it.
The home stuff just slips out , does with us to . So does babe , darlin and then oops :scratchhead: But l really doubt it was meant as anything cept it was home for a long time.
l'm really sorry for your hurt in all this lost , wish l could be more help , hell l wish l could get more to ! Reading these people when their in this frame of mind though is like a mind field .


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> So now I'm being invited to the amusement park with the H'family. An annual trip is what it is. He seemed un nerved when I told him i need to think about it. I don't know if I should or shouldn't. Maybe I'm a little slow or something you all, but I don't get it with them. I'm 35 years old should I be "gettin" it with them by now ? I stayed home last night. Off work today so i've been cleaning and knocking down the cob webs that are forming since i haven't been staying here. He on the other hand keeps calling me constantly (sound familiar ) , oh ever so sweet (familiar? ) , inviting me places (again familiar ) when for the last couple of days while at his house he's been on his monthly. Nowwww that I've come home...he's back to this same old circle of craziness! ! This isn't a rollercoaster for me you all. This is a train on a circular track that givesyou the tour of the whole amusement park yet there is no destination. Is always a ride past the same old scenery. Sorry for dumping on you guys i'm just aggravated



Hiya Catcho . Sorry l haven't been able to drop in much , explained in losts . Thinkin of you guys though. But darlin , your man , Jesus , l think l'm starting to understand your dilemmas over the years.
Couldn't find a recent Trons take on it but lookin at your few latest. 
He doesn't know Catch and l don't mean this in a bad way ok but right now he's like a big old dumb smuck , he can't figure himself out, he's stuck l think. 
Sounds pretty confused about you two.
l think he's also liking his own place even if your there all the time rather than the old house for some reason. Did he hate that house or somem ?
Anyway , he wants you round part time that's for sure but he's having trouble going full on again for some reason. l'm guessing part times maybe easier , he's sorta enjoying the gaps , space .
Apart from that , Jesus he's a confusing dude right now, sorry can't help more. I think he loves you though !
Tron if you happen to read this , what do you think?


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## whitehawk

Finding Nemo said:


> Going to play this a little different than I was originally thinking. I was going to be a hard donkey's behind and not say anything and just go away for a few days. But, I am going to leave this in his hands. He knows I going away for a few days and he said that he would give me money to take with me and everything to make sure that I am safe in case of emergency. We are supposed to talk later tonight. I will tell him that I have the flight information, etc and ask him if he would mind if I sent him a copy. Apparently I won't know the hotel information or anything until I get there so I will ask him if he will care if I contact him with the information. This way there isn't any guess work involved. If he accepts the information, I will know that it will be okay to make contact with him because other wise why would he care about any other this stuff, right? :scratchhead:
> 
> Catch, you are right. Where is Tron when I need him?
> 
> 
> Edited to add...this H of mine is going to drive me nuts. He says to me....I don't know when you are leaving or where you are going or anything. He says what's the deal with that. And I said...I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. He says...I don't either. I said I printed all of the travel information for you in case you wanted it and he said...thank you, I would appreciate that. So...I think I am on the right track so far. He is trying to help me, but there have been a lot of snags along the way as to how much he wants to help me and how much he can really help me. I'll take this as a good thing for now.


Hiya Nemo. l'll have a bash at your too while l'm passin by 

He still cares about you a lot , that much l think you can take to the bank.
He wants the info because he doesn't wanna lose touch with you and l think , wants to know your ok while your away , where your gonna be encase he has to rush up to save you , all that type of stuff l think.
He does still care about you a lot , loves you even but it's hard to tell in what way.
Gonna read more next time , see if we can work him out better.
Good luck in the meantime , hang in there .


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## whitehawk

lost one more thing and l reckon Tron might agree.
H thinks you guys are gonna be best buddies , at the mo that's what he wants right now. Sorta have he's cake and eat it too.
He pretends that he's helping you and you need him but l reckon it's him who still needs you - for whatever good that is l know sorry !
He can't break free though and he isn't. l dunno what Tron makes of that but l'm wondering if he actually really wants to or is it the divorce house money he thinks he's gonna get that he's doing this for , would he be that desperate ?
He does still care about you a lot though.

Gonna try to get back with time , read the latest better and see what we can see . Good luck , your doing good don't worry.


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Hi lost , guys. Sorry l haven't had the head space for this lately and l really wanted you to get some fresh input more than anything. I think Tron and others are much better at this stuff especially right now . But l do drop in to scan how your all doing.
> But lost . The family rates was just a bad joke , think nothing of it.
> The home stuff just slips out , does with us to . So does babe , darlin and then oops :scratchhead: But l really doubt it was meant as anything cept it was home for a long time.
> l'm really sorry for your hurt in all this lost , wish l could be more help , hell l wish l could get more to ! Reading these people when their in this frame of mind though is like a mind field .


Hey whitehawk, great to see you on here  I know you're right about family rates and home, it just annoys me and I'm trying to be cool, calm and collected when h comes round. I don't talk to him about solicitors or d whilst I'm doing 180, so I don't know what's happening! I'm still doing my PIES, so I just try and keep positive for me  look up joe beam and his pies to know what I'm talking about. His principles are really good 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> lost one more thing and l reckon Tron might agree.
> H thinks you guys are gonna be best buddies , at the mo that's what he wants right now. Sorta have he's cake and eat it too.
> He pretends that he's helping you and you need him but l reckon it's him who still needs you - for whatever good that is l know sorry !
> He can't break free though and he isn't. l dunno what Tron makes of that but l'm wondering if he actually really wants to or is it the divorce house money he thinks he's gonna get that he's doing this for , would he be that desperate ?
> He does still care about you a lot though.
> 
> Gonna try to get back with time , read the latest better and see what we can see . Good luck , your doing good don't worry.


Stick with us this time whitehawk, I really like your take on things  I'm taking things very slowly at the moment and just waiting to see what develops! I know something though, he's starting to miss his son like crazy! He's picking him up early on Saturday and my son is staying at his until Sunday afternoon. I'm going to spend a productive and boring day doing housework which has been sadly neglected whilst I've been at college. 
I did put to him the other week that I don't think my parents are going to pay for his half of the house and we may have to sell it. I've told him that would take ages. I think he may realise that this d may not be as straight forward as he thinks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finding Nemo

Well today really stinks. Last night my husband, FIL, FIL's girlfriend and I made plans to go and watch fireworks together. It's nearly 5pm and my FIL called me to ask me when we are coming to his house. I told him I don't know because I haven't heard from my husband. It's nearly 2 hours to drive to FIL's house. So my FIL is worried that if we don't get on the road soon we will miss out on the activities. Apparently FIL has been calling my husband all day and hasn't been able to get a hold of him. So, FIL asked me to bring our daughter down to his house and forget about my husband. I don't know if FIL knows something I don't know, if my husband changed his mind because he was going to have to spend time with me, maybe he got called to work because he is on call. I don't know. And if he did change his mind then I don't want to stand in the way of my husband being able to spend time with his dad. So, I told FIL it was okay that I would just stay at home for a little bit longer. There is still about 2 hours left before I have to decide where to go near my house so our daughter doesn't miss out. I am trying to remain positive, but of course, the tears are slowly starting to leak out. I tried to call my husband one time and I sent him a text ... so far I haven't heard from him. I kind of had a feeling he would change his mind and disappear like he did before. And with FIL and everyone else calling him I don't think it's going to make a bit of difference if I try to contact him again. 

Happy 4th of July to those of my friends here in the states. I hope your day is going better than mine.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Stick with us this time whitehawk, I really like your take on things  I'm taking things very slowly at the moment and just waiting to see what develops! I know something though, he's starting to miss his son like crazy! He's picking him up early on Saturday and my son is staying at his until Sunday afternoon. I'm going to spend a productive and boring day doing housework which has been sadly neglected whilst I've been at college.
> I did put to him the other week that I don't think my parents are going to pay for his half of the house and we may have to sell it. I've told him that would take ages. I think he may realise that this d may not be as straight forward as he thinks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I personally think you should change it to I know my paren'ts AREN'T going to pay for his half. Wether they will or not doesnt matter at this point. If he's hoping to gain a cash sum from getting a Divorce then maybe he needs a dose of reality in order for him to start thinking differently? 

I am doing boring housework today, too as I am trying to keep my mind busy as the time is slipping away to go and do the fun things we had planned to do as a family today. Nemo is sad.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Well today really stinks. Last night my husband, FIL, FIL's girlfriend and I made plans to go and watch fireworks together. It's nearly 5pm and my FIL called me to ask me when we are coming to his house. I told him I don't know because I haven't heard from my husband. It's nearly 2 hours to drive to FIL's house. So my FIL is worried that if we don't get on the road soon we will miss out on the activities. Apparently FIL has been calling my husband all day and hasn't been able to get a hold of him. So, FIL asked me to bring our daughter down to his house and forget about my husband. I don't know if FIL knows something I don't know, if my husband changed his mind because he was going to have to spend time with me, maybe he got called to work because he is on call. I don't know. And if he did change his mind then I don't want to stand in the way of my husband being able to spend time with his dad. So, I told FIL it was okay that I would just stay at home for a little bit longer. There is still about 2 hours left before I have to decide where to go near my house so our daughter doesn't miss out. I am trying to remain positive, but of course, the tears are slowly starting to leak out. I tried to call my husband one time and I sent him a text ... so far I haven't heard from him. I kind of had a feeling he would change his mind and disappear like he did before. And with FIL and everyone else calling him I don't think it's going to make a bit of difference if I try to contact him again.
> 
> Happy 4th of July to those of my friends here in the states. I hope your day is going better than mine.


I wouldn't take it personally, especially if your FIL hasn't heard from him either! Has FIL mellowed or do you still not get on? If I was you, I'd go down to your FIL's house and go to the fireworks and enjoy yourself 
There could be a reason why he hasn't texted. His battery may be flat or he's got no credit or he's left it at work or in the car. believe me I'm an expert when it comes to mobile phone excuses, lol. My H plays FB games on his phone and then wonders why he hasn't got much battery left, lol.
Happy 4th of July to you too Nemo


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I personally think you should change it to I know my paren'ts AREN'T going to pay for his half. Wether they will or not doesnt matter at this point. If he's hoping to gain a cash sum from getting a Divorce then maybe he needs a dose of reality in order for him to start thinking differently?


I agree, I should change it to that  I still don't know whether he's still going to the solicitors or not. If he's changed his mind, he probably won't tell me anyway and just let me stress about it. He's definitely acting more positively lately, I just can't work him out, lol. I'm still doing the 180 on him and will continue to do this until I see a more positive sign that things are turning a corner! Did u look up the PIES? It stands for Physical, Intellectual, Emotional and Spiritual. I'm doing everything apart from the physical, lol. I need to get down the gym soon


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Stick with us this time whitehawk, I really like your take on things  I'm taking things very slowly at the moment and just waiting to see what develops! I know something though, he's starting to miss his son like crazy! He's picking him up early on Saturday and my son is staying at his until Sunday afternoon. I'm going to spend a productive and boring day doing housework which has been sadly neglected whilst I've been at college.
> I did put to him the other week that I don't think my parents are going to pay for his half of the house and we may have to sell it. I've told him that would take ages. I think he may realise that this d may not be as straight forward as he thinks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks lost you too. Tell you one thing lost, l really really admire you and your grit in this , you wanting to repair your family , your beliefs .
Just sayin to misery , if only more people had that stuff .

PS , l've got a strange one for you guys too don't worry , just as soon as l can just figure out how to put it all.
Actually it's all making me pretty emotional again. l'm not sure where it's coming from but x has just said , well , things . We both have. The first time really like that , in 8mths. 
l feel so strange . l think l'm going to have to go run around , keep light for awhile first , shake this strangeness .


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## Finding Nemo

whitehawk said:


> Thanks lost you too. Tell you one thing lost, l really really admire you and your grit in this , you wanting to repair your family , your beliefs .
> Just sayin to misery , if only more people had that stuff .
> 
> PS , l've got a strange one for you guys too don't worry , just as soon as l can just figure out how to put it all.
> Actually it's all making me pretty emotional again. l'm not sure where it's coming from but x has just said , well , things . We both have. The first time really like that , in 8mths.
> l feel so strange . l think l'm going to have to go run around , keep light for awhile first , shake this strangeness .




I, myself have taken to wearing sponge pajamas and I live in a padded room most of the time because the hitting of the ground after this running around keeping light hurts pretty bad. 

I will keep my fingers crossed that this is the start of something good for you.


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Thanks lost you too. Tell you one thing lost, l really really admire you and your grit in this , you wanting to repair your family , your beliefs .
> Just sayin to misery , if only more people had that stuff .
> 
> PS , l've got a strange one for you guys too don't worry , just as soon as l can just figure out how to put it all.
> Actually it's all making me pretty emotional again. l'm not sure where it's coming from but x has just said , well , things . We both have. The first time really like that , in 8mths.
> l feel so strange . l think l'm going to have to go run around , keep light for awhile first , shake this strangeness .


Sounds positive Whitehawk  Don't rush into things, take things very slowly and let her do all the running after you  8 months must be a magic number as that was when my H started to change around and want to make things work again!


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I, myself have taken to wearing sponge pajamas and I live in a padded room most of the time because the hitting of the ground after this running around keeping light hurts pretty bad.
> 
> I will keep my fingers crossed that this is the start of something good for you.


Is keeping light and running around the same as being on a roundabout? Last time that happened to me, I couldn't sleep. Your head's in a spin, you want to keep hopeful and positive but at the same time you're trying to be realistic about it all!


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## catch22gofigure

Between work and the family im finding it hard to comment and post like I want. I will say update coming soon ! Not a lot...but enough to share and want input on. Talk to u guys n gals as soon as I can get a free moment to update.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Is keeping light and running around the same as being on a roundabout? Last time that happened to me, I couldn't sleep. Your head's in a spin, you want to keep hopeful and positive but at the same time you're trying to be realistic about it all!


Same -- same. They both keep you up all night and both hurt pretty much about the same amount.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Same -- same. They both keep you up all night and both hurt pretty much about the same amount.


I now know what they mean by roller coaster ride! Since doing a 180 on my H, it is hard to keep up the momentum. What's even more confusing is that I've just heard about another book and it sounds really good, The confusing part is that there's a chapter on the pursuer becoming the pursued. I'll repost the link on here because it's confusing, but it malkes sense and sounds really good 
Understanding Pursuit and Distance - DivorceBusting.com
I know there's 12 pages in this thread, but you only need to read the first one


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hiya Catcho . Sorry l haven't been able to drop in much , explained in losts . Thinkin of you guys though. But darlin , your man , Jesus , l think l'm starting to understand your dilemmas over the years.
> Couldn't find a recent Trons take on it but lookin at your few latest.
> He doesn't know Catch and l don't mean this in a bad way ok but right now he's like a big old dumb smuck , he can't figure himself out, he's stuck l think.
> Sounds pretty confused about you two.
> l think he's also liking his own place even if your there all the time rather than the old house for some reason. Did he hate that house or somem ?
> Anyway , he wants you round part time that's for sure but he's having trouble going full on again for some reason. l'm guessing part times maybe easier , he's sorta enjoying the gaps , space .
> Apart from that , Jesus he's a confusing dude right now, sorry can't help more. I think he loves you though !
> Tron if you happen to read this , what do you think?


Yeah i do realize that he is confused. I feel sorry for him a bit. Doesn't erase the fact that I NEED him to man up. He seems to not like the gaps in space though, because as soon as I attempt to leave and go home he either follows me over or does whatever he can to get me to come back to his place. I overheard him tell our kids last night that he's getting old...so I think a lil mid life crisis may.be the culprit as well in this mans slew of issues
i


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## NotEZ

Hey guys! Finally back at H's with just MY family... so relieved. I love my sister and her kids sooo much, but with everything going on with my own family, its so tough to be on her schedule. 

The night I posted last, I talked to H around 11:00... kind of explained how I was feeling and how frustrated I was (with being away not with him) so the next day, thursday, he surprised me by coming to my sisters and spending the evening with us. We took all the kids to the park and just hung out... it was so nice. Aside from my one tiny meltdown where I was feeling absolutely frustrated with EVERYTHING... I've felt so good this week. That was the second time he went out of his way to do something to make me feel good.

Don't think I posted this before, but Canada day was on monday. My sister watched my kids overnight sunday so H and I could have the night alone, which was great. On monday morning, we were trying to figure out our plans. Now one thing that is important to note is that, obviously, my family is VERY close... we do everything together. Since H left, he has refused to come to my parents house for ANYTHING. Even though he has seen my parents a million times since then, he feels uncomfortable going there because, in his words, he thinks the rest of my family (outside me and my twin who he sees as much as me) blame him. No one does... everyone knows me. My parents visit him in the hospital and have been to his house plenty of times.. but he just refused to go. 

Anyways, H and I were going to take the kids swimming at one of the provincial parks right by my parents house for the day and watch the fireworks at night. My sister was going to meet us there but was going to go to my parents house in between because my dad was making wings (our favorite thing in the summer). Because my kids were at her place, they knew and my oldest wanted to go. I had talked to my sister on the phone that morning and she told me the plan. I told H that sis was going to come swimming but was going to go to mom and dads for supper and come back for the fireworks. He said well lets just do that too. I was SHOCKED!! It doesn't seem like a big deal, but for him it was and to me, it meant the world. The first time in a YEAR he has been out there. 

We went swimming, went to my parents house and then went back to the park for the fireworks. We had an AMAZING day. The kids went back home with my sister that night and we got to spend the night alone again. I think thats why it was so hard to be back at my sisters again. Everything was so great and then we were apart again. But now I'm back home with him and the kids. My sister is back on day shift this week so I am not needed, then her kids leave the next week to stay with their dad for a few weeks. She also put in an ad to find someone else to watch her kids on her odd shifts. So... I think everything is looking up now. 

Oh, and we start councilling in two weeks! Fingers crossed and I may need you guys to keep ME in check the next while.


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## lostwithouthim

Notez, so pleased for you  Yes we'll keep you in check and may hit you with some 2x4s along the way, lol


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## NotEZ

lostwithouthim said:


> Notez, so pleased for you  Yes we'll keep you in check and may hit you with some 2x4s along the way, lol


Thanks Lost  You guys are the best!


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## lostwithouthim

Hi Guys, it seems we're all having busy lives at the moment and that's good  H came early yesterday to take my son back to his for the w/end  He came at 8.30 in the morning! I carried on pottering about and had a quick chat with him when I was in the kitchen. I just talked about what my son had been up to. 
I made myself some breakfast and went in the front room to eat it in front of the TV. H came through and said I'm sitting out there on my own! He came to sit with me and we just chatted about this and that. See now, he's the one following me around now 
I said goodbye to them and then did some housework, got bored of that so I went into town to get out for a while. My friend texted me to ask if I wanted to go out, I said yes of course! We went for a Chinese meal and went to a few bars as well. We didn't get back to mine until about 1am. I had a brilliant night and I'm so upbeat this morning  This is only the second time that I've been out without my son since H left!
Well I must go, got to have some lunch and finish off the laundry before my son and H get back! I bought some chocolate cake to have with our coffee that was left over from the school fete. H is always moaning that I've no cake or biscuits in the house, so I've decided to treat us all  I know this is probably classed as buying him a gift, but I thought well we're all having a piece so it's not really, lol. I may be taking this 180 too seriously, lol  Have a good day everyone!


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Hey guys! Finally back at H's with just MY family... so relieved. I love my sister and her kids sooo much, but with everything going on with my own family, its so tough to be on her schedule.
> 
> The night I posted last, I talked to H around 11:00... kind of explained how I was feeling and how frustrated I was (with being away not with him) so the next day, thursday, he surprised me by coming to my sisters and spending the evening with us. We took all the kids to the park and just hung out... it was so nice. Aside from my one tiny meltdown where I was feeling absolutely frustrated with EVERYTHING... I've felt so good this week. That was the second time he went out of his way to do something to make me feel good.
> 
> Don't think I posted this before, but Canada day was on monday. My sister watched my kids overnight sunday so H and I could have the night alone, which was great. On monday morning, we were trying to figure out our plans. Now one thing that is important to note is that, obviously, my family is VERY close... we do everything together. Since H left, he has refused to come to my parents house for ANYTHING. Even though he has seen my parents a million times since then, he feels uncomfortable going there because, in his words, he thinks the rest of my family (outside me and my twin who he sees as much as me) blame him. No one does... everyone knows me. My parents visit him in the hospital and have been to his house plenty of times.. but he just refused to go.
> 
> Anyways, H and I were going to take the kids swimming at one of the provincial parks right by my parents house for the day and watch the fireworks at night. My sister was going to meet us there but was going to go to my parents house in between because my dad was making wings (our favorite thing in the summer). Because my kids were at her place, they knew and my oldest wanted to go. I had talked to my sister on the phone that morning and she told me the plan. I told H that sis was going to come swimming but was going to go to mom and dads for supper and come back for the fireworks. He said well lets just do that too. I was SHOCKED!! It doesn't seem like a big deal, but for him it was and to me, it meant the world. The first time in a YEAR he has been out there.
> 
> We went swimming, went to my parents house and then went back to the park for the fireworks. We had an AMAZING day. The kids went back home with my sister that night and we got to spend the night alone again. I think thats why it was so hard to be back at my sisters again. Everything was so great and then we were apart again. But now I'm back home with him and the kids. My sister is back on day shift this week so I am not needed, then her kids leave the next week to stay with their dad for a few weeks. She also put in an ad to find someone else to watch her kids on her odd shifts. So... I think everything is looking up now.
> 
> Oh, and we start councilling in two weeks! Fingers crossed and I may need you guys to keep ME in check the next while.


Soooo happy for you all NotEz !! This is great news!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Well finally up with a moment alone so I can update. Things here are ...well weird. I dont understand how he can want me near but just not know what or how to say it. Fourth of July i planned on doing absolutely nothing. I was tired, exhausted even ...but he has a weakness for our daughter's especially. So the adult one who lives on her own mentions she's used to us hosting a cook out...what did she do that for...up he pops. Out the door , to the store, and back with all sorts of stuff for the festivities. 
I still vowed I was not doing anything. I usually spend hours in the kitchen hosting these types of events for my family. I just wasn't into it this time. So he got a bit frustrated that I wouldn't help. It was a great evening all the same though, we had fireworks and all. 
Well the next.day i had to return to work. He was off the whole week for the holiday. So he also has the kids. Well I get off and go home. My home. That's what people do when they get off work and want to unwind. Noooooo this was not acceptable for him. I've told him several times ,im just not comfortable over here in this tiny apt. It's difficult getting ready for work and all. My conveniences are at home. But he pays no mind to what I say. Goes out buys pizza n hotwings, and ice cream. Then shows up at my house with the kids telling me im wrong for not wanting to join in on family night. This is so wrong of a way of making me feel bad in order for me to come back to his apt. So I do. ..i unwillingly gave in. The next morning same thing...i go to work, but this time he calls before my commute home is over. He says" stop by the store sand pick me. up some watermelon...im like wth ? I'm going home today. He says ok; but as soon as I get home he calls again. This time he asks am i ok why haven't i made it over yet ? I tell him i'm home. He gets upset and says , what you don't want to be bothered with me ? Why you just cant come over here and watch movies and blah blah blah....Me trying not to react agree to come back over..but i don't get this whole thing. I love this man nd i do want us back as one. But this whole working on me thing is deeming only beneficial to him. I am still after many months not getting anything I want out of the deal. It seems the I've who is doing all the work in the marriage is the one who keeps getting the shiiiiiii end if the stick. He still can't say what he wants and uses these tactics to get what he needs and wants from me. 

I'm here now but want to be away from him right now. I feel I want to be alone right now. He is still eating uncontrollably, sex is diminishing greatly (major need of mine ) So what's a girl to do?


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm here now but want to be away from him right now. I feel I want to be alone right now. He is still eating uncontrollably, sex is diminishing greatly (major need of mine ) So what's a girl to do?


I just wish your H would realise he's got depression and go and do something about it, because that's what it sounds like to me  Each time he invites you over to his, you should just repeat no come over to our home.
My H has just come and dropped my son off. He was full so didn't want any cake and didn't want a coffee either. He stopped for a chat, but things were awkward between us. I had to keep the conversation going, but then he interrupted me. He asked me what possessed me to buy a pink beauty couch. I said I wanted a pink one and that there's a cover that goes over the top which is a different cover. 
I think my H's depression has kicked in again. He said he was tired and that's probably why he wasn't in a chatty mood as normal. Oh well I probably won't see him now for a few days 
Get back to normal 
He also mentioned about my son going away for a week and what am I going to do with myself. He didn't say it very kindly, he probably thinks I'll be in the house moping around. No I don't think so! lol. I said oh I'm sure I can find things to do!
So the roller coaster is going downhill at the mo. Time to bring it back up and get on with my life without him in it - for now


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I just wish your H would realise he's got depression and go and do something about it, because that's what it sounds like to me  Each time he invites you over to his, you should just repeat no come over to our home.
> My H has just come and dropped my son off. He was full so didn't want any cake and didn't want a coffee either. He stopped for a chat, but things were awkward between us. I had to keep the conversation going, but then he interrupted me. He asked me what possessed me to buy a pink beauty couch. I said I wanted a pink one and that there's a cover that goes over the top which is a different cover.
> I think my H's depression has kicked in again. He said he was tired and that's probably why he wasn't in a chatty mood as normal. Oh well I probably won't see him now for a few days
> Get back to normal
> He also mentioned about my son going away for a week and what am I going to do with myself. He didn't say it very kindly, he probably thinks I'll be in the house moping around. No I don't think so! lol. I said oh I'm sure I can find things to do!
> So the roller coaster is going downhill at the mo. Time to bring it back up and get on with my life without him in it - for now


Thats the spirit Lost ! Have yourself a blast and take pics to prove it. That'll be a conversation starter after that week if nothing else. Take you some Glamour shots and get your game on at the arcade. ..something, anything , but moping if that's what he thinks. We all know Lost is not about to sit still for this week...it's high time he notices it too !


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I just wish your H would realise he's got depression and go and do something about it, because that's what it sounds like to me  Each time he invites you over to his, you should just repeat no come over to our home.
> My H has just come and dropped my son off. He was full so didn't want any cake and didn't want a coffee either. He stopped for a chat, but things were awkward between us. I had to keep the conversation going, but then he interrupted me. He asked me what possessed me to buy a pink beauty couch. I said I wanted a pink one and that there's a cover that goes over the top which is a different cover.
> I think my H's depression has kicked in again. He said he was tired and that's probably why he wasn't in a chatty mood as normal. Oh well I probably won't see him now for a few days
> Get back to normal
> He also mentioned about my son going away for a week and what am I going to do with myself. He didn't say it very kindly, he probably thinks I'll be in the house moping around. No I don't think so! lol. I said oh I'm sure I can find things to do!
> So the roller coaster is going downhill at the mo. Time to bring it back up and get on with my life without him in it - for now


Yupp you and I both have this wish Lost...but noooooooo i'm the one with the issues to hear him tell it. Hell he is my issue I'm beginning to think . I often wonder whose the nuttiest me or him. They say a crazy person doesnt know they are crazy. So I guess he wins that title hands down. At least I admit my issues and trying to address them.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Men never seem to admit their issues. It takes a brave man to admit they have depression. I think it's because there's still a stigma attached to it 
I'm hoping to do some decorating whilst my son is away, but I've also got some clubs to go to during the hols  You all know me by now, I can't stay in the house all day - It'll drive me crazy! lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Men never seem to admit their issues. It takes a brave man to admit they have depression. I think it's because there's still a stigma attached to it
> I'm hoping to do some decorating whilst my son is away, but I've also got some clubs to go to during the hols  You all know me by now, I can't stay in the house all day - It'll drive me crazy! lol


Yes busy, busy,busy...he's gonna flip his lid when he realizes that you actually have a life. Seems like he thinks he knows you. And he does, he's your H. What he doesn't really know is the new you. Not sitting around waiting on his next move. You're busy making your own moves. He may think your son is all the livelihood you have.. Newsflash Mr. Lost !! She's making major moves !!


----------



## Finding Nemo

Hey Guys. Sorry I haven't posted much lately. I have been on a whirlwind crazy train ride and things just seem to get crazier by the minute. 

I am off on my new training adventure tomorrow and I should be back on Thursday. I will have a laptop with me and my cell phone so I will try to check in when I can. 

Over the past couple of days my husband has taken me hopping for new clothes, taken me to dinner to celebrate the new job, and he was trying to be able to take me to the airport, but if he takes me there I won't have a way to get back home because his work has refused to allow him the time to drive and pick me up.  Which is okay because I really don't want my husband to see me cry again. Like I said, it's been a whirl wind crazy train ride that I will try to explain without writing a book. 

The crazy train left the station the moment my husband picked us up to take us to FIL's to spend some time with him. Things went along just fine on the way there. I even turned off my phone so as to be able to focus on just the family. I rubbed my husband neck, put my hand on his leg and things were going along just fine. Then we saw the fireworks and on the way back to FIL's my H took a detour and we ended up in another city away from the family. My husband knew where to go to see more fireworks so there is where he went -- with just me in the car. We are having fun and my husband decided to go get coffee some place. So...we parked and off we went to find a coffee shop that was open. 

We were walking along, talking and having fun. I reached out to hold my husband's hand and he slapped my hand away from him. I don't know what happened next because I was recovering from my brain slamming into the front of my skull. All I know is I had this conversation that went a little along the lines of take me back to the rest of the family so that I can get you to safety and you can get on with your search for someone new. He just stood there stunned. I went on to say that I was not going to stand there in the middle of the sidewalk and have a discussion about what is going on or anything else. He asked me what I wanted him to say and I said...you don't have to say anything. I already know what's going on so he doesn't have to pretend any more. I told him to just admit that he is done with the marriage and just wants to be my friend. To which I am refuse to be. He asked me to go on and get coffee so we could talk. 

No coffee shops were open so we went to see a movie. My husband was pretty much stuck with me now because the rest of the family also went to see a movie but in another city. So..he is getting tickets and I excuse myself to the bathroom. He panicked and asked if I was coming back. I asked where I was going to go? I just needed to go in there and cry without him seeing me. Then we go in the theater and guess what he does? He chooses to sit right next to me and when I accidentally touched his leg with my hand he grabbed my hand and held onto it for dear life. He was starring at me the entire movie and squeezing my hand. My head was swimming so fast that I couldn't even tell you half of what happened in the movie.

Our daughter stayed behind with FIL, FIL's girlfriend, etc as that is where she is going to stay while I am gone so my husband can focus on his work and court stuff. He's going to see her on Wednesday and take her to dinner or something so she won't be without him the entire time I am away. This provided a lot of time for us to talk. And boy did my husband talk. 

He began by asking me where do I get off with saying that he is looking for someone else and that he is done with our marriage. He goes on to tell me that he misses me and he misses being able to talk to me and share things with me. He said that is why he was calling me so much and send me text messages to me so much lately. He said he will even admit it to me that he loves me more than he wants anyone else to know. He said he doesn't want to get into any more trouble, but at the same time he said he can't live his life based on what happened to other people. This breaks open a whole other can of worms that we talk about. 

He tells me that the reason he is scared is a friend he works with told him that he is going to kick his rear end if he comes back home or even had anything to do with me. This friend apparently did go back to jail the very day that he went home to his wife. I asked my husband how much time and effort that couple put into working on their differences before they tried to go back together. I asked how much counseling and other conversation really went into bringing that relationship back together in a healthy way. I told him I am not trying to just get him back home. I actually want to talk and deal with everything that is upsetting to him and I want him to hear and understand where I am coming from as well. But, we aren't going to even get that far if he can't even find his way to hold my hand in public let alone any place else. And if he is going to ignore me the majority of the time and only make contact with me to satisfy the times he is missing what he used to have then we aren't going to get any where that way either. 

Then he tells me that he and his counselor have been talking and the counselor asked him if he is going to come home, stay away, or what he was going to do. My husband told him he is scared and wasn't sure what to do. He told him about his friend and how everyone is telling him not to go back. So, the counselor told him its okay not make a decision right now, but he has to eventually because it is not fair to me to keep me dangling in the wind with my life on hold waiting for him to decide. The counselor told him that if he really wants to come home he would help him work on it or what ever they need to in order for him to decide what he wants to do, but can't keep stalling and putting it off. The counselor told my husband to go and file for legal separation in order to protect our daughter if this is going to lead to a long separation. My husband said he didn't feel he needed to do that yet as I have made it fairly easy to deal with him when it comes to our daughter. And I have been trying to help out the best way I could so he gave me credit for that. I think this something that is very typical for people to do because I have been told on several occasions that I needed to file to protect my daughter. In fact, my IC flat out said go file for divorce and then work on everything else so long as my daughter is protected. At some point in the discussion with the counselor, my husband decided that he is going to make some kind of decision come the first of August. He said if he decided not to file for legal separation or divorce he is going to work full time on dating me, calling me, talking to me and working through all of the issues that are bugging him so that we would be stronger and closer. I asked why the first part of August and he said that is our anniversary. My reply was great....my anniversary comes and I get served with either separation papers or divorce papers. Isn't that just lovely? He says, I don't know what I am going to do but I am not going to listen to what any else tells me. This isn't their life. Over the past few days my stomach has grown into knots from the much great amount of fear he has instilled in me. 

So...here I am. About ready to go on a trip where my husband has helped me prepare for. I am kind of excited. Kind of scared. He wants me to call him if I can or at least send an email before I go to bed as he has been enjoying the letters I send to him about what I did for the day. I am supposed to go and enjoy myself and not worry about a thing while I am away. How am I supposed to do that while my marriage is sitting here in limbo and I have no more brain left because my husband has thoroughly scrambled it. 

Oh..and if all of this isn't enough...I read online that my husband's lease is up in February of next year. But, FIL's girlfriend told me that she is pretty sure it is a 6 month lease which is up come the first part of August. This could be the reason he is trying to decide what to do. I honestly don't have any way of knowing and I can't get a good read on my husband because of his bizarre behavior. He just bought a washer and dryer for his apartment. It's a used one, but still, why bother if he isn't planning to stay there? The only thing he doesn't have now is a couch and he has talked about buying one of those as well. He refers to everything in our house as things he used to have. He has a car sitting in our garage...that's something he used to have. He loves that car so I don't know what I am going to do with this kind of thinking and talk going on. 

I don't know if I should 180 - go dark - pretend like nothing is wrong or what. Please pray for me. I really do need some guidance and a peace of mind.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes busy, busy,busy...he's gonna flip his lid when he realizes that you actually have a life. Seems like he thinks he knows you. And he does, he's your H. What he doesn't really know is the new you. Not sitting around waiting on his next move. You're busy making your own moves. He may think your son is all the livelihood you have.. Newsflash Mr. Lost !! She's making major moves !!


Isn't it funny how they think they know you? My husband has been having battery trouble on his car and last night it decided to not start at all. It's a good thing I had followed in my car to the place we went to eat. I drove my husband to the store to find a new one. On the way he is thanking me for taking time out of my busy schedule to help him. I asked him what schedule this would be and he said I don't know but I am thankful for your help. Silly man...I would have been home on the computer writing to your guys but I couldn't tell him that. I just love our husband's interpretations of what we do all day long.


----------



## Finding Nemo

NotEZ said:


> Hey guys! Finally back at H's with just MY family... so relieved. I love my sister and her kids sooo much, but with everything going on with my own family, its so tough to be on her schedule.
> 
> The night I posted last, I talked to H around 11:00... kind of explained how I was feeling and how frustrated I was (with being away not with him) so the next day, thursday, he surprised me by coming to my sisters and spending the evening with us. We took all the kids to the park and just hung out... it was so nice. Aside from my one tiny meltdown where I was feeling absolutely frustrated with EVERYTHING... I've felt so good this week. That was the second time he went out of his way to do something to make me feel good.
> 
> Don't think I posted this before, but Canada day was on monday. My sister watched my kids overnight sunday so H and I could have the night alone, which was great. On monday morning, we were trying to figure out our plans. Now one thing that is important to note is that, obviously, my family is VERY close... we do everything together. Since H left, he has refused to come to my parents house for ANYTHING. Even though he has seen my parents a million times since then, he feels uncomfortable going there because, in his words, he thinks the rest of my family (outside me and my twin who he sees as much as me) blame him. No one does... everyone knows me. My parents visit him in the hospital and have been to his house plenty of times.. but he just refused to go.
> 
> Anyways, H and I were going to take the kids swimming at one of the provincial parks right by my parents house for the day and watch the fireworks at night. My sister was going to meet us there but was going to go to my parents house in between because my dad was making wings (our favorite thing in the summer). Because my kids were at her place, they knew and my oldest wanted to go. I had talked to my sister on the phone that morning and she told me the plan. I told H that sis was going to come swimming but was going to go to mom and dads for supper and come back for the fireworks. He said well lets just do that too. I was SHOCKED!! It doesn't seem like a big deal, but for him it was and to me, it meant the world. The first time in a YEAR he has been out there.
> 
> We went swimming, went to my parents house and then went back to the park for the fireworks. We had an AMAZING day. The kids went back home with my sister that night and we got to spend the night alone again. I think thats why it was so hard to be back at my sisters again. Everything was so great and then we were apart again. But now I'm back home with him and the kids. My sister is back on day shift this week so I am not needed, then her kids leave the next week to stay with their dad for a few weeks. She also put in an ad to find someone else to watch her kids on her odd shifts. So... I think everything is looking up now.
> 
> Oh, and we start councilling in two weeks! Fingers crossed and I may need you guys to keep ME in check the next while.



Keeping my fingers crossed. Counseling can be a good thing if you both put your mind into it and really do the work. Its sounds like your husband is ready to do some work so take advantage of it while you can. Now if we could just get these other knuckle heads to seek counseling of one kind of another.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Hey Guys. Sorry I haven't posted much lately. I have been on a whirlwind crazy train ride and things just seem to get crazier by the minute.
> 
> I am off on my new training adventure tomorrow and I should be back on Thursday. I will have a laptop with me and my cell phone so I will try to check in when I can.
> 
> Over the past couple of days my husband has taken me hopping for new clothes, taken me to dinner to celebrate the new job, and he was trying to be able to take me to the airport, but if he takes me there I won't have a way to get back home because his work has refused to allow him the time to drive and pick me up.  Which is okay because I really don't want my husband to see me cry again. Like I said, it's been a whirl wind crazy train ride that I will try to explain without writing a book.
> 
> The crazy train left the station the moment my husband picked us up to take us to FIL's to spend some time with him. Things went along just fine on the way there. I even turned off my phone so as to be able to focus on just the family. I rubbed my husband neck, put my hand on his leg and things were going along just fine. Then we saw the fireworks and on the way back to FIL's my H took a detour and we ended up in another city away from the family. My husband knew where to go to see more fireworks so there is where he went -- with just me in the car. We are having fun and my husband decided to go get coffee some place. So...we parked and off we went to find a coffee shop that was open.
> 
> We were walking along, talking and having fun. I reached out to hold my husband's hand and he slapped my hand away from him. I don't know what happened next because I was recovering from my brain slamming into the front of my skull. All I know is I had this conversation that went a little along the lines of take me back to the rest of the family so that I can get you to safety and you can get on with your search for someone new. He just stood there stunned. I went on to say that I was not going to stand there in the middle of the sidewalk and have a discussion about what is going on or anything else. He asked me what I wanted him to say and I said...you don't have to say anything. I already know what's going on so he doesn't have to pretend any more. I told him to just admit that he is done with the marriage and just wants to be my friend. To which I am refuse to be. He asked me to go on and get coffee so we could talk.
> 
> No coffee shops were open so we went to see a movie. My husband was pretty much stuck with me now because the rest of the family also went to see a movie but in another city. So..he is getting tickets and I excuse myself to the bathroom. He panicked and asked if I was coming back. I asked where I was going to go? I just needed to go in there and cry without him seeing me. Then we go in the theater and guess what he does? He chooses to sit right next to me and when I accidentally touched his leg with my hand he grabbed my hand and held onto it for dear life. He was starring at me the entire movie and squeezing my hand. My head was swimming so fast that I couldn't even tell you half of what happened in the movie.
> 
> Our daughter stayed behind with FIL, FIL's girlfriend, etc as that is where she is going to stay while I am gone so my husband can focus on his work and court stuff. He's going to see her on Wednesday and take her to dinner or something so she won't be without him the entire time I am away. This provided a lot of time for us to talk. And boy did my husband talk.
> 
> He began by asking me where do I get off with saying that he is looking for someone else and that he is done with our marriage. He goes on to tell me that he misses me and he misses being able to talk to me and share things with me. He said that is why he was calling me so much and send me text messages to me so much lately. He said he will even admit it to me that he loves me more than he wants anyone else to know. He said he doesn't want to get into any more trouble, but at the same time he said he can't live his life based on what happened to other people. This breaks open a whole other can of worms that we talk about.
> 
> He tells me that the reason he is scared is a friend he works with told him that he is going to kick his rear end if he comes back home or even had anything to do with me. This friend apparently did go back to jail the very day that he went home to his wife. I asked my husband how much time and effort that couple put into working on their differences before they tried to go back together. I asked how much counseling and other conversation really went into bringing that relationship back together in a healthy way. I told him I am not trying to just get him back home. I actually want to talk and deal with everything that is upsetting to him and I want him to hear and understand where I am coming from as well. But, we aren't going to even get that far if he can't even find his way to hold my hand in public let alone any place else. And if he is going to ignore me the majority of the time and only make contact with me to satisfy the times he is missing what he used to have then we aren't going to get any where that way either.
> 
> Then he tells me that he and his counselor have been talking and the counselor asked him if he is going to come home, stay away, or what he was going to do. My husband told him he is scared and wasn't sure what to do. He told him about his friend and how everyone is telling him not to go back. So, the counselor told him its okay not make a decision right now, but he has to eventually because it is not fair to me to keep me dangling in the wind with my life on hold waiting for him to decide. The counselor told him that if he really wants to come home he would help him work on it or what ever they need to in order for him to decide what he wants to do, but can't keep stalling and putting it off. The counselor told my husband to go and file for legal separation in order to protect our daughter if this is going to lead to a long separation. My husband said he didn't feel he needed to do that yet as I have made it fairly easy to deal with him when it comes to our daughter. And I have been trying to help out the best way I could so he gave me credit for that. I think this something that is very typical for people to do because I have been told on several occasions that I needed to file to protect my daughter. In fact, my IC flat out said go file for divorce and then work on everything else so long as my daughter is protected. At some point in the discussion with the counselor, my husband decided that he is going to make some kind of decision come the first of August. He said if he decided not to file for legal separation or divorce he is going to work full time on dating me, calling me, talking to me and working through all of the issues that are bugging him so that we would be stronger and closer. I asked why the first part of August and he said that is our anniversary. My reply was great....my anniversary comes and I get served with either separation papers or divorce papers. Isn't that just lovely? He says, I don't know what I am going to do but I am not going to listen to what any else tells me. This isn't their life. Over the past few days my stomach has grown into knots from the much great amount of fear he has instilled in me.
> 
> So...here I am. About ready to go on a trip where my husband has helped me prepare for. I am kind of excited. Kind of scared. He wants me to call him if I can or at least send an email before I go to bed as he has been enjoying the letters I send to him about what I did for the day. I am supposed to go and enjoy myself and not worry about a thing while I am away. How am I supposed to do that while my marriage is sitting here in limbo and I have no more brain left because my husband has thoroughly scrambled it.
> 
> Oh..and if all of this isn't enough...I read online that my husband's lease is up in February of next year. But, FIL's girlfriend told me that she is pretty sure it is a 6 month lease which is up come the first part of August. This could be the reason he is trying to decide what to do. I honestly don't have any way of knowing and I can't get a good read on my husband because of his bizarre behavior. He just bought a washer and dryer for his apartment. It's a used one, but still, why bother if he isn't planning to stay there? The only thing he doesn't have now is a couch and he has talked about buying one of those as well. He refers to everything in our house as things he used to have. He has a car sitting in our garage...that's something he used to have. He loves that car so I don't know what I am going to do with this kind of thinking and talk going on.
> 
> I don't know if I should 180 - go dark - pretend like nothing is wrong or what. Please pray for me. I really do need some guidance and a peace of mind.


This is that crazy stuff my H does. I've caught myself having to hold my tongue. They do some of the weirdest things during these times. Were busy trying to get it all together and they're busy losing the rest of their minds  
I think what he did was normal in a sense. Like you said he's scared so maybe that was just a auto reflex. Idk; but like my H. He quickly tried to retract that action to prove to you that it was something he really didn't mean to do in that manner. One day we'll still be out of this goofy stage out life. I want to just live...really frustrated with dealing with it....but it's all in the name out love i guess


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> This is that crazy stuff my H does. I've caught myself having to hold my tongue. They do some of the weirdest things during these times. Were busy trying to get it all together and they're busy losing the rest of their minds
> I think what he did was normal in a sense. Like you said he's scared so maybe that was just a auto reflex. Idk; but like my H. He quickly tried to retract that action to prove to you that it was something he really didn't mean to do in that manner. One day we'll still be out of this goofy stage out life. I want to just live...really frustrated with dealing with it....but it's all in the name out love i guess



I don't think its in the name of love any more. I think its in the name of my husband seeing just how crazy he can make me. What is it about -- please stop dragging my heart around does he not understand? Tonight of all nights when my head is so full of Stuff he asked me to bring him his bike. Okay...no problem. First let me get passed the part where I am the one losing something else and you are the one gaining it -- and chances are I am never going to see it again so just for a few moments give me a change to take this all in. It's just another day where you have ripped my heart open -- what's the big deal, huh? We can't come and remove all of our stuff at once we have to remove it piece by piece and make sure that there isn't a single piece of me left. And we can't for just one moment be the husband who cares for his wife. We have to play the part of the victim. The one who everyone is out to hurt and the one that needs time and understanding. I call B.S. I am not going to behave like his friend. The OW is his friend. I am not going to place myself there. I have much more respect for myself than that. 

And know what? FIL's girlfriend called to check on me to make sure that I got home okay and I was ready for the trip. I was crying when she called. I told her why I was upset. It hurts bad to know that my husband is filling his apartment up with stuff rather than trying to work on coming home. It's bad enough I have this looming date in my head now that tells me something extremely bad is about to happen. She tells me - get over it. It's just a bike. He didn't say he was leaving you. He just wants to ride his bike. Okay -- he missed his bike so much, why in the heck didn't he come get it himself. Why put me through the pain of dealing with it and watching another piece of 15 years just walk away from me. 

And now I am sitting alone needing someone to talk to and I have no one other than my friends at TAM. I am assuming tomorrow is going to be a whole other world of confusion and hurt because my husband is insistent in driving me to the airport. Like I told him tonight-- he wants to live a life without me then get a move on and leave me alone. He is still insistent that he isn't moving on or anything else of that nature -- but he sure as heck doesn't live in the same house as I do and he sure as heck wants nothing more than to be my friend when it's convenient. 

I am sorry guys...I am probably spinning this into something more than it is, but I know how I feel and I know what I want and what I want is not to be friends with my husband. I don't mean not be friends and be my husband -- I am am just not going to be "just friends" without the husband part. Sigh....why is life so difficult?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I don't think its in the name of love any more. I think its in the name of my husband seeing just how crazy he can make me. What is it about -- please stop dragging my heart around does he not understand? Tonight of all nights when my head is so full of Stuff he asked me to bring him his bike. Okay...no problem. First let me get passed the part where I am the one losing something else and you are the one gaining it -- and chances are I am never going to see it again so just for a few moments give me a change to take this all in. It's just another day where you have ripped my heart open -- what's the big deal, huh? We can't come and remove all of our stuff at once we have to remove it piece by piece and make sure that there isn't a single piece of me left. And we can't for just one moment be the husband who cares for his wife. We have to play the part of the victim. The one who everyone is out to hurt and the one that needs time and understanding. I call B.S. I am not going to behave like his friend. The OW is his friend. I am not going to place myself there. I have much more respect for myself than that.
> 
> And know what? FIL's girlfriend called to check on me to make sure that I got home okay and I was ready for the trip. I was crying when she called. I told her why I was upset. It hurts bad to know that my husband is filling his apartment up with stuff rather than trying to work on coming home. It's bad enough I have this looming date in my head now that tells me something extremely bad is about to happen. She tells me - get over it. It's just a bike. He didn't say he was leaving you. He just wants to ride his bike. Okay -- he missed his bike so much, why in the heck didn't he come get it himself. Why put me through the pain of dealing with it and watching another piece of 15 years just walk away from me.
> 
> And now I am sitting alone needing someone to talk to and I have no one other than my friends at TAM. I am assuming tomorrow is going to be a whole other world of confusion and hurt because my husband is insistent in driving me to the airport. Like I told him tonight-- he wants to live a life without me then get a move on and leave me alone. He is still insistent that he isn't moving on or anything else of that nature -- but he sure as heck doesn't live in the same house as I do and he sure as heck wants nothing more than to be my friend when it's convenient.
> 
> I am sorry guys...I am probably spinning this into something more than it is, but I know how I feel and I know what I want and what I want is not to be friends with my husband. I don't mean not be friends and be my husband -- I am am just not going to be "just friends" without the husband part. Sigh....why is life so difficult?


Ii think you're acting like me when im reacting. Like the other lady said it's just a binge. I know exactly how you feel though. I went through that after we first split. Him remembering the most minute if things he'd forgotten and making sure he got them. I keep forgetting there is a OW. I don't recall you s peaking much about their affair. How is that falling into all of this. Is she phasing out ? Or is he stuck in the fog ?


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## whitehawk

Hey you two .
Got it . Catch's h needs to get with Nemos , perfect match .
Guys , my brains in even worser shape than Nemo's right now so there's just no juice left for too much right now but both these guys are holding on to both worlds and can't decide , in limbo . Both holding onto things with you guys so as not to lose it with you "while" - they make a decisions or moreso l reckon work through in their heads the issues.
Nemo your h's August thing yep - bout the flat lease l reckon , he's hoping to have a decision by then. He'll be under pressure now but if he signs a new one especially if it's 12 mths , long way from sorted. What's with he's public thing Nemo , doesn't he show anything publicly ? Inside the cinema he was trying to make up for it . Doesn't mind darkness for some reason , has he always been like that ? Anyway l reckon it's better to speak up like you did when somethings bs.
Catch reckon yours is doing the same thing, how bizarre, stalling while he figures himself out. 
At least they're both holding onto you guys too , spose that's better than being left for dead and straight into an A . Depends how you look at it l guess but at least there's hope this way ,painful as it is . 65/35 l reckon, stronger about staying together maybe or they'd just do it !
Think they both do love you guys.

l know one test you could do , ask yourself was there any one thing , that just wouldn't go away ?
lt always came up in fights or otherwise , some one thing or one or two things.
With my x that was a friend l was too close too, that was the one big thing. There were others but that was the biggie.

ps , sorry bout that , just read about the A Nemo .

Just a few thoughts , sorry can't help more .


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Ii think you're acting like me when im reacting. Like the other lady said it's just a binge. I know exactly how you feel though. I went through that after we first split. Him remembering the most minute if things he'd forgotten and making sure he got them. I keep forgetting there is a OW. I don't recall you s peaking much about their affair. How is that falling into all of this. Is she phasing out ? Or is he stuck in the fog ?




I try not to think about their affair so that I can try and move forward. She has been gone out of the picture for a while since their work told them to stay away from each other. And since the boyfriend became full aware of what was going on. Having an ally has made a world of difference because I have someone else looking out for my protection as well as him own. The reason that she plays into this is that it was my husband sneaking off and them making contact with each other and then my husband lying that kicked off the fight we got into. She may be perfectly find with sitting back and watching him sleep with someone else while she still cares about him -- but I am not going to go there and be like her. Does this make more sense now?


----------



## Finding Nemo

I'll try and log on tonight after my training is completed for the day. I had to log on really fast to post what I could and this post could not wait. I am half an hour from being picked up at my front door by none other than -- you guessed it, my husband. He is really scared and asked me if I was going to cause any problems. I told him no I would not and that I understand why he is asking me. I don't have time for the B.S. this morning. I need to get on a plane and begin my job. That's all I am interested in right now. Well, that and the plane staying in the air as the sky just may open up and take me on into heaven since he is making the effort to come to the house. Yes - I packed the sponge pajamas because I really need them. Too bad their aren't considered professional wear. I'd be in there all of the time.


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## lostwithouthim

Wow you guys have been busy posting whilst I've been away! Whitehawk, you remember you mentioned about 180s and what if doing a 180 will drive your W away? Well I found this snippet of information on a website I visited. 
Do a 180 and go dark if needed, but occasionally invite them out on a family outing and see their reaction. If she says yes ok, then it's all good. If she says no then you've not lost anything by asking her and you can just say ok well it's up to you. 
I tried this on my H a couple of weeks ago and he decided to come along. It was for my son's award ceremony and he had to sit with me the whole time as my son had to sit with his class.
DON'T take anything for granted though! Just because they come with you on one trip, doesn't mean they're coming home! I take nothing for granted!
Nemo and Catch, you two seem to be doing what your H should be doing. Instead of him confusing you, you are confusing him! By getting close and then backing off, your H thinks what's happening here! I've not idea how to solve this little conundrum, maybe go on the divorce busting website and start posting there as well. There are some very knowledgeable people on there that all want to save their marriages and talk a lot of sense!
BTW don't invite your spouse to all the family trips, just the odd one or two


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## Finding Nemo

My husband made it this morning. He drove right up in front of our house, loaded my bags and away to the airport we went. He was soooo scared. I was patient, used kind gentle words, and gave him praise for reaching such a milestone. Now to keep this momentum going is another challenge, but I think it's worth a try. I am already crazy...what's a bit more crazier if it brings my husband home?


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## NotEZ

lostwithouthim said:


> Wow you guys have been busy posting whilst I've been away! Whitehawk, you remember you mentioned about 180s and what if doing a 180 will drive your W away? Well I found this snippet of information on a website I visited.
> Do a 180 and go dark if needed, but occasionally invite them out on a family outing and see their reaction. If she says yes ok, then it's all good. If she says no then you've not lost anything by asking her and you can just say ok well it's up to you.
> I tried this on my H a couple of weeks ago and he decided to come along. It was for my son's award ceremony and he had to sit with me the whole time as my son had to sit with his class.
> DON'T take anything for granted though! Just because they come with you on one trip, doesn't mean they're coming home! I take nothing for granted!
> *Nemo and Catch, you two seem to be doing what your H should be doing. Instead of him confusing you, you are confusing him! By getting close and then backing off, your H thinks what's happening here!* I've not idea how to solve this little conundrum, maybe go on the divorce busting website and start posting there as well. There are some very knowledgeable people on there that all want to save their marriages and talk a lot of sense!
> BTW don't invite your spouse to all the family trips, just the odd one or two


Absolutely agree with the bolded! Especially for Catch, only because I know (and live) her story so well. Its so easy to look in the other direction and say... he's not saying anything, he doesn't know what he wants, etc. BUT unless you ARE saying something to him and making it clear TO HIM what you are thinking and/or expecting, then the back and forth, being close and then pulling away is doing the SAME thing he is. And it very likely is just as confusing to him as it is to you.


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## lostwithouthim

Well my patience paid off today, my H rang this lunchtime to find out if I'd got my son's ps3 lead (He had left it at the w/end at H's house). H wanted to stay and chat and I said I have to go. He kept saying oh one more thing! I was late for my craft club because he kept me talking lol.
I saw someone in town that my H was doing a job for and she said how well I look and she was pleased that i'd sorted things out now. I said no we haven't as H has left me. She said I know, he told me that but apparently we're both happy about this according to her. That's obviously what my H told her. It's alright for him to say he's happier, but how does he know what I'm feeling! I told her well he may be happy about it, but I'm not. Oh well, she said, well your son is happier now that he's got his chill out room. 
Have I gone too far with the 180s, do I need to fiddle it a bit or am I doing ok?
My son now has a chill out room in the spare room with my H's old office furniture in there. Do you think that this showed my H that I've moved on with my life and he hasn't got a part in it anymore? I don't want him to feel that he could never come home again if he wants to.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I try not to think about their affair so that I can try and move forward. She has been gone out of the picture for a while since their work told them to stay away from each other. And since the boyfriend became full aware of what was going on. Having an ally has made a world of difference because I have someone else looking out for my protection as well as him own. The reason that she plays into this is that it was my husband sneaking off and them making contact with each other and then my husband lying that kicked off the fight we got into. She may be perfectly find with sitting back and watching him sleep with someone else while she still cares about him -- but I am not going to go there and be like her. Does this make more sense now?


Yes it makes perfect sense now. Thanks for clarifying.


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Absolutely agree with the bolded! Especially for Catch, only because I know (and live) her story so well. Its so easy to look in the other direction and say... he's not saying anything, he doesn't know what he wants, etc. BUT unless you ARE saying something to him and making it clear TO HIM what you are thinking and/or expecting, then the back and forth, being close and then pulling away is doing the SAME thing he is. And it very likely is just as confusing to him as it is to you.


So very true. I'm actually afraid at times now that I am a little too confusing to the both of us. I have been home for two nights now because I just don't feel like being bothered with it all. This time like Tron said is not gonna be good for us with me working out of town. It's getting to where he barely is crossing my mind as he was before. Im at a point where I've actually entertained the thought of.dating . I KNOW thar this is wrong on so many levels. Just admitting its been a thought, not that i'll actually act on it.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hey you two .
> Got it . Catch's h needs to get with Nemos , perfect match .
> Guys , my brains in even worser shape than Nemo's right now so there's just no juice left for too much right now but both these guys are holding on to both worlds and can't decide , in limbo . Both holding onto things with you guys so as not to lose it with you "while" - they make a decisions or moreso l reckon work through in their heads the issues.
> Nemo your h's August thing yep - bout the flat lease l reckon , he's hoping to have a decision by then. He'll be under pressure now but if he signs a new one especially if it's 12 mths , long way from sorted. What's with he's public thing Nemo , doesn't he show anything publicly ? Inside the cinema he was trying to make up for it . Doesn't mind darkness for some reason , has he always been like that ? Anyway l reckon it's better to speak up like you did when somethings bs.
> Catch reckon yours is doing the same thing, how bizarre, stalling while he figures himself out.
> At least they're both holding onto you guys too , spose that's better than being left for dead and straight into an A . Depends how you look at it l guess but at least there's hope this way ,painful as it is . 65/35 l reckon, stronger about staying together maybe or they'd just do it !
> Think they both do love you guys.
> 
> l know one test you could do , ask yourself was there any one thing , that just wouldn't go away ?
> lt always came up in fights or otherwise , some one thing or one or two things.
> With my x that was a friend l was too close too, that was the one big thing. There were others but that was the biggie.
> 
> Just a few thoughts , sorry can't help more .


Hey there White Hawk !! Its ok..i think it'll all be over soon for me anyhow. I think I'm getting to another stage here in this whole dilemma. Not real sure of how I feel...once I determine exactly where im at. Then maybe i can better understand where im going with it


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Absolutely agree with the bolded! Especially for Catch, only because I know (and live) her story so well. Its so easy to look in the other direction and say... he's not saying anything, he doesn't know what he wants, etc. BUT unless you ARE saying something to him and making it clear TO HIM what you are thinking and/or expecting, then the back and forth, being close and then pulling away is doing the SAME thing he is. And it very likely is just as confusing to him as it is to you.


Honey honey. ..you know you know me if you don't know anything else. I've not yet learned to get over some of our issues. Mainly communications. I feel I've prayed enough. Read enough, talked enough, cried enough, wrote enough letters. And asked enough questions. ..so i think if he wants this like every swears he does. ..then he of all people better open his darn mouth and say something soon. Im still young, kids nearly grown, attractive,and fairly smart. I do these things out of love for him...i do know though that even a dog gets tired. And people always have told me "you'll know when it's time" I don't want that time to come deep in my heart;but if it's unavoidable, what's else can I do. I know what I won't do and that's sacrifice all it took me to lose it in an effort to get it back once it's gone. Because who knows if treats down the road you find yourself in the same boat, if the issues are truly never dealt with by both of us. I don't want to be tit for tat; but there has to bea even balance. Things he'll accept and not accept from me. As well as things I will and won't accept from him. 
True its sad that he is suffering the blunt of my decision and revelations on my emotions. But I too have suffered things as a result of his mistakes. But like you all know a little of what I went through with my mama. If I made up my mind and emotions on how i will and won't be treated, my own mama now...why in the hell would I take it off of a man. I literally at. one point, cut these peopl like mamma completely out my life as if they never existed. 

I dont want to go there with him...i really don't; but what choice am i left if he can't comply with my one sole request. Through this time around, i've made no requests. My marriage is very important to me, very valuable to me...it's my determining factor. I've given all of me for years to every body. ..in my learning about co dependency. I know I've been on the right track all along. To healing that is. I'm just now kicking it back in gear. The people who are having the biggest issue with this are the ones who were/are benefiting from me over giving of myself. My question now is , Is. he one of those people ? I don't want to believe that he is; but every day I'm evaluating A LOT ! I don't knock anyone who goes gung ho about being able to have a R. I'm just saying that I want to take all the necessary steps to get a R with my husband. I'm also not tryingto make join do anything he doesn't want to do. 
Yes. I have a big loud mouth- at times. I'm a great listener, very resourceful, I cook, clean, nurse, team mom, attentive to the health,emotional state,and social being of both families' mine and in laws, you name it I do it....not to mention loyal,dependablefriend and employee . Im a work in progress though. I haven't regressed in over 15 years...because of my continual re defining of me. So that's why I leave the gaye open to accept it may not be as I want it to turn out to be. Either way I have to maintain a sense of me. Am I wrong or being mean or reacting ;simply because out of this whole thing as I think about it....thats been my one and only request. Yes i've vented about a lot of little things I don't understand or want a second eye on....but i've only asked for one ....little.....bitty...thing:soapbox:

Ok I'm done...had to get it all out , sorry


----------



## whitehawk

Finding Nemo said:


> I try not to think about their affair so that I can try and move forward. She has been gone out of the picture for a while since their work told them to stay away from each other. And since the boyfriend became full aware of what was going on. Having an ally has made a world of difference because I have someone else looking out for my protection as well as him own. The reason that she plays into this is that it was my husband sneaking off and them making contact with each other and then my husband lying that kicked off the fight we got into. She may be perfectly find with sitting back and watching him sleep with someone else while she still cares about him -- but I am not going to go there and be like her. Does this make more sense now?


Yeah , sure does Nemo , sorry for your sitch .


----------



## whitehawk

Thanks lost . You wouldn't believe it but do you know that stuff's sorta how l've been handling this right through. Only you wouldn't say dark no way, just moreso just on with my own stuff rather than lingering.
l've put out little feelers/testers and the odd love deposit a long the way to.
l think it's a really good way to go far more than a hard core 180 because it leaves the door open a little , a bit of warmth .
Because for me, l can tell you that when x was full on 180, to me that just made me think she was completely closed and l don't wanna put that across. 
But this definitely opened doors for us fore sure even stuff with us just this last few wks it let in fore sure and l'm so glad it did.
Still can't go there though just yet 




lostwithouthim said:


> Wow you guys have been busy posting whilst I've been away! Whitehawk, you remember you mentioned about 180s and what if doing a 180 will drive your W away? Well I found this snippet of information on a website I visited.
> Do a 180 and go dark if needed, but occasionally invite them out on a family outing and see their reaction. If she says yes ok, then it's all good. If she says no then you've not lost anything by asking her and you can just say ok well it's up to you.
> I tried this on my H a couple of weeks ago and he decided to come along. It was for my son's award ceremony and he had to sit with me the whole time as my son had to sit with his class.
> DON'T take anything for granted though! Just because they come with you on one trip, doesn't mean they're coming home! I take nothing for granted!
> Nemo and Catch, you two seem to be doing what your H should be doing. Instead of him confusing you, you are confusing him! By getting close and then backing off, your H thinks what's happening here! I've not idea how to solve this little conundrum, maybe go on the divorce busting website and start posting there as well. There are some very knowledgeable people on there that all want to save their marriages and talk a lot of sense!
> BTW don't invite your spouse to all the family trips, just the odd one or two


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Well my patience paid off today, my H rang this lunchtime to find out if I'd got my son's ps3 lead (He had left it at the w/end at H's house). H wanted to stay and chat and I said I have to go. He kept saying oh one more thing! I was late for my craft club because he kept me talking lol.
> I saw someone in town that my H was doing a job for and she said how well I look and she was pleased that i'd sorted things out now. I said no we haven't as H has left me. She said I know, he told me that but apparently we're both happy about this according to her. That's obviously what my H told her. It's alright for him to say he's happier, but how does he know what I'm feeling! I told her well he may be happy about it, but I'm not. Oh well, she said, well your son is happier now that he's got his chill out room.
> Have I gone too far with the 180s, do I need to fiddle it a bit or am I doing ok?
> My son now has a chill out room in the spare room with my H's old office furniture in there. Do you think that this showed my H that I've moved on with my life and he hasn't got a part in it anymore? I don't want him to feel that he could never come home again if he wants to.



Sorry about what she said lost , hate to think what went on behind my back too, it's a revolting feeling l know .
lost as l was saying in my other reply , l just don't know about 180 . l do for me and l don't use the dark part as l was saying , not like that anyway but for you l mean.But then they do say to it all will need mths don't they .
Maybe he said it like that to her so as to not embarrass you or maybe that's how he reads the 180 stuff now .

For yourself l think you definitely have to go 180ish look after yourself part .
The office stuff , yeah l've had similar issues here but lucky for me we're selling now so it's all just about getting the place ready now.
like for you it's a feel your way thing l think. Times will come when you just wanna do things and be sick of waiting so in the end it's to hell with it l'm doing that now.
That's how l got in the end before we decided to sell.
Sorry to say though lost but it does look like he somehow likes it like this now.


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Sorry to say though lost but it does look like he somehow likes it like this now.


Thanks for the reply  It looks like he likes it like this now, but for how long? I read somewhere that a WAS is happier in 5 years time in an unhappy marriage than they are being divorce. He is yet to find this out!
I'll still carry on working on myself and being the wife that he wants to come home to. 
I've started to get a lot more encouragement from my friends now. I tell them that he's left, but mention that I still hope he'll come to his senses one day.
I have God on my side and he will do what's best for our family in the end and if that's to separate altogether then that's the way it's going to be.
For now though, I'm not giving up! lol I know what you're going to say Whitehawk 
Last week I almost gave up on R, but I'm back on track now 
I still feel like screaming at him at the mo for assuming that I'm happy with the situation, but I'm not going to


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Hey there White Hawk !! Its ok..i think it'll all be over soon for me anyhow. I think I'm getting to another stage here in this whole dilemma. Not real sure of how I feel...once I determine exactly where im at. Then maybe i can better understand where im going with it




Hi Catch , l know . You've been slipping for a long time . And yeah if you can find the head space in all of this .
lf he asks or it comes up just tell him point blank in your own words.
But you know like like your just fed up with this bs , living like this , you have no idea wtf he thinks he's doing , just tell him , then do what you need too. No one could blame you at this stage !


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## lostwithouthim

Catch, I hear what you're saying and I feel you frustration in this. I can't understand this either. He says he wants you, but he's not prepared to move back into the family home. You need to make this clear to him that this is confusing for you. Although it may seem like nagging to him, you have to sit down with him and fully explain what this house means to you and your family. I'm probably going over old ground here!
On the divorce busting website, you can talk to one of the divorce busting counsellors. I know that a lot of people have found them really useful and if I was in the States then that's what I would do.
The only other thing you could do is apply reverse psychology or as the divorce busting book says - uncommon sense. Stop asking him to move back into yours, move the family into his. I know it's not big enough and it'll be a squash for a while but hopefully then he'll realise that his apartment is just not big enough, lol. I can just see his face now when you start moving all your stuff to his place :rofl: I bet it won't take him long to realise that it's ridiculous, lol.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks for the reply  It looks like he likes it like this now, but for how long? I read somewhere that a WAS is happier in 5 years time in an unhappy marriage than they are being divorce. He is yet to find this out!
> I'll still carry on working on myself and being the wife that he wants to come home to.
> I've started to get a lot more encouragement from my friends now. I tell them that he's left, but mention that I still hope he'll come to his senses one day.
> I have God on my side and he will do what's best for our family in the end and if that's to separate altogether then that's the way it's going to be.
> For now though, I'm not giving up! lol I know what you're going to say Whitehawk
> Last week I almost gave up on R, but I'm back on track now
> I still feel like screaming at him at the mo for assuming that I'm happy with the situation, but I'm not going to



Yeah l know lost l've read that to and l tell you what l've thought it and believe it to in a lot of cases don't you think.
l'm hoping mine realizes this too because things have been terrible for her lately and l know even l'm thinking lately of our good sides and appreciating that they were very special. Where as l wasn't sure anymore before , in our last 18mths or even through a ot of this separation .
But na lost , l reckon we give up when we give up.
l think we're talking years for them to maybe see things differently sometimes, a taste of the real world and all- or the other world l guess. You see couples get back after yrs all the time.
There's a lot of water under the bridge isn't there , it's not always just miraculously sorted in a few mths l reckon.
We know it's an emotional gamble to hold on or to take off too either way so you know .
Me l'm looking after me but l'm open to until life does otherwise .


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Yeah l know lost l've read that to and l tell you what l've thought it and believe it to in a lot of cases don't you think.
> l'm hoping mine realizes this too because things have been terrible for her lately and l know even l'm thinking lately of our good sides and appreciating that they were very special. Where as l wasn't sure anymore before , in our last 18mths or even through a ot of this separation .
> But na lost , l reckon we give up when we give up.
> l think we're talking years for them to maybe see things differently sometimes, a taste of the real world and all- or the other world l guess. You see couples get back after yrs all the time.
> There's a lot of water under the bridge isn't there , it's not always just miraculously sorted in a few mths l reckon.
> We know it's an emotional gamble to hold on or to take off too either way so you know .
> Me l'm looking after me but l'm open to until life does otherwise .


I agree  One things for sure though, I'm not emotionally ready for a d just yet. Maybe in 2 years I'll be more ready then. It still hurts when I see couples together or old couples holding hands. I just think what is wrong with him, why can't we just be together? All of this is said to myself though.
I an getting on with my own life and I'm busy at the moment. I was out in town today with my son when my H rang. That's the 2nd day in a row he's rung me up during the day! I just happened to be talking to some friends at the time, so I wasn't really bothered about the call.
Like it's been said before on here, this is definitely a bumpy roller coaster ride.
Someone said at a meeting I went to last night, "Well I better get home to the missus, I know what side my bread is buttered!" That really stung and someone noticed me looking upset and said cheer up. Oh well, onwards and upwards


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## catch22gofigure

I


lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, I hear what you're saying and I feel you frustration in this. I can't understand this either. He says he wants you, but he's not prepared to move back into the family home. You need to make this clear to him that this is confusing for you. Although it may seem like nagging to him, you have to sit down with him and fully explain what this house means to you and your family. I'm probably going over old ground here!
> On the divorce busting website, you can talk to one of the divorce busting counsellors. I know that a lot of people have found them really useful and if I was in the States then that's what I would do.
> The only other thing you could do is apply reverse psychology or as the divorce busting book says - uncommon sense. Stop asking him to move back into yours, move the family into his. I know it's not big enough and it'll be a squash for a while but hopefully then he'll realise that his apartment is just not big enough, lol. I can just see his face now when you start moving all your stuff to his place :rofl: I bet it won't take him long to realise that it's ridiculous, lol.


I don't everask him to move backin. Not even once since he's been gone. May be wrong, but its not my style. I'm not a nagger at all.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I
> 
> I don't everask him to move backin. Not even once since he's been gone. May be wrong, but its not my style. I'm not a nagger at all.


What about the reverse psychology then? Worth a try maybe?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> What about the reverse psychology then? Worth a try maybe?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well heck...that's what I thought I was doing when I was coming home and stuff. It's not working though. Only makes him follow me over here to home. Like now i've stayed home two nights. Guess who just called and said they're staying over here when they get off tonight? He just follows me....still not gonna say anything meaningful about us...just here. As if my presence alone is good enough. I don't get it. I try to see what you all see. I do see it...just not in its glory as you do. Sometimes to be honest Lost i'd rather my H flat out say what he's even thinking about doing like your H...than not knowing at all what his intentions ultimately are.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I
> 
> I don't everask him to move backin. Not even once since he's been gone. May be wrong, but its not my style. I'm not a nagger at all.



Yeah your right Catch. Not right to ask someone that moved out . They move out then they have to do the asking in my book . l'll never ask.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Well heck...that's what I thought I was doing when I was coming home and stuff. It's not working though. Only makes him follow me over here to home. Like now i've stayed home two nights. Guess who just called and said they're staying over here when they get off tonight? He just follows me....still not gonna say anything meaningful about us...just here. As if my presence alone is good enough. I don't get it. I try to see what you all see. I do see it...just not in its glory as you do. Sometimes to be honest Lost i'd rather my H flat out say what he's even thinking about doing like your H...than not knowing at all what his intentions ultimately are.


Yep l agree Catch l mean wtf ?
lf he moved out and just stayed away , moved on , it's clear but whatever the hell he's doing .
Personally l reckon your gonna have to just ask him point blank soon for your own peace, can't go on like that it's bs !


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree  One things for sure though, I'm not emotionally ready for a d just yet. Maybe in 2 years I'll be more ready then. It still hurts when I see couples together or old couples holding hands. I just think what is wrong with him, why can't we just be together? All of this is said to myself though.
> I an getting on with my own life and I'm busy at the moment. I was out in town today with my son when my H rang. That's the 2nd day in a row he's rung me up during the day! I just happened to be talking to some friends at the time, so I wasn't really bothered about the call.
> Like it's been said before on here, this is definitely a bumpy roller coaster ride.
> Someone said at a meeting I went to last night, "Well I better get home to the missus, I know what side my bread is buttered!" That really stung and someone noticed me looking upset and said cheer up. Oh well, onwards and upwards



reckon your doing so well though lost, you really are youknow .
Watching an old couple few wks ago , joking around as they do . Thinking look at them will ya , they've held onto each other - could teach us all a thing or two hey !


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> reckon your doing so well though lost, you really are youknow .
> Watching an old couple few wks ago , joking around as they do . Thinking look at them will ya , they've held onto each other - could teach us all a thing or two hey !


Thanks for the encouragement WH  I need all the encouragement I can get from you lot  Am I repeating myself? lol.
Catch, you've got me stumped with your H. I agree with WH, you need to ask him what he wants for your own peace of mind.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks for the encouragement WH  I need all the encouragement I can get from you lot  Am I repeating myself? lol.
> Catch, you've got me stumped with your H. I agree with WH, you need to ask him what he wants for your own peace of mind.




Catch -- I think your husband might just surprise you if you sit down and have a good old fashioned heart to heart. Just kind of say something along the lines of you really want to be married to him, you have been trying to understand how everyone feels and what everyone wants. Then just ask what he wants. Tell him that in the past he did say that he didn't want to be with you, but you feel like things have changed and your would appreciate it if he could give you a bit of insight as to how he is feeling now. Maybe even tell him that you enjoy the time you spend with him and you are hoping that it means that you are working on recovering your marriage. I have only had 4 hour sleep so my mind is rambling a bit...but I think you get the idea. You could use this as a jumping off point to discuss the possibility of moving to another place or really anything else you have wanted to talk to your husband about. Maybe sit at the kitchen table with some wine or something so that it's a relaxed setting. The more relaxed you can make it, I bet you will get answers. 

I would love answers, but I would love sleep even more. I am too tired from the trip, training, and work that all I want to do is crash. Alas, I have to wait up for my husband to bring my daughter home. Who knows what time that will be. I hope not too late. I really need sleep. Isn't that odd to read coming from me? If I could bottle jet lag I would have this sleep thing down really well. :sleeping:


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## lostwithouthim

Sleep well nemo  I agree with what you're saying, I think this was aimed at you catch  I'm off to the carnival today, so will be busy all day!! Catch up with you guys soon 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Sleep well nemo  I agree with what you're saying, I think this was aimed at you catch  I'm off to the carnival today, so will be busy all day!! Catch up with you guys soon
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yep -- it was aimed at Catch. Sorry...I am sooooo tired. 

I was sleeping so well for a change. Then my IC called because I had slept past my appointment time this morning. Now my head has that fuzzy weird feeling again. Wish I could sleep more but we are off to martial arts testing with our daughter. Then I think I will get to take a nap. 

Not sure at what point I am meeting up with my husband today but what a milestone he has reached. He has been to the front of the house 3 times now in a week. Now to get him in the house may take another 6 months, but at least he has made it this far. He always says to me -- you aren't going to cause any problems are you? It crackes me up - but I understand. I am so tired I can barely remember my name let alone remember how to have a deep conversation or a fight with anyone. I just want sleep -- and my first paycheck. 

Have fun today Lost. I am off to find coffee / tea or anything that will help wake me up so I can function a bit better this morning.


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Yep -- it was aimed at Catch. Sorry...I am sooooo tired.
> 
> I was sleeping so well for a change. Then my IC called because I had slept past my appointment time this morning. Now my head has that fuzzy weird feeling again. Wish I could sleep more but we are off to martial arts testing with our daughter. Then I think I will get to take a nap.
> 
> Not sure at what point I am meeting up with my husband today but what a milestone he has reached. He has been to the front of the house 3 times now in a week. Now to get him in the house may take another 6 months, but at least he has made it this far. He always says to me -- you aren't going to cause any problems are you? It crackes me up - but I understand. I am so tired I can barely remember my name let alone remember how to have a deep conversation or a fight with anyone. I just want sleep -- and my first paycheck.
> 
> Have fun today Lost. I am off to find coffee / tea or anything that will help wake me up so I can function a bit better this morning.


Thanks Nemo, I will  Can't talk for long as we're off to an after carnival party tonight for all the volunteers  I'll try and catch up with you all soon


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## lostwithouthim

Nemo, just read your post properly now before I go out. Things are progressing for you, slowly but surely  It may take another 6 months, lol, who knows! Glad you're getting more sleep now, that's really good


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch -- I think your husband might just surprise you if you sit down and have a good old fashioned heart to heart. Just kind of say something along the lines of you really want to be married to him, you have been trying to understand how everyone feels and what everyone wants. Then just ask what he wants. Tell him that in the past he did say that he didn't want to be with you, but you feel like things have changed and your would appreciate it if he could give you a bit of insight as to how he is feeling now. Maybe even tell him that you enjoy the time you spend with him and you are hoping that it means that you are working on recovering your marriage. I have only had 4 hour sleep so my mind is rambling a bit...but I think you get the idea. You could use this as a jumping off point to discuss the possibility of moving to another place or really anything else you have wanted to talk to your husband about. Maybe sit at the kitchen table with some wine or something so that it's a relaxed setting. The more relaxed you can make it, I bet you will get answers.
> 
> I would love answers, but I would love sleep even more. I am too tired from the trip, training, and work that all I want to do is crash. Alas, I have to wait up for my husband to bring my daughter home. Who knows what time that will be. I hope not too late. I really need sleep. Isn't that odd to read coming from me? If I could bottle jet lag I would have this sleep thing down really well. :sleeping:


I absolutely think you're right. This will be the hardest thing i've had to do in a long time. I'm gonna think long and hard about just what and how to say it. Its gonna be really hard and its really scary.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Sleep well nemo  I agree with what you're saying, I think this was aimed at you catch  I'm off to the carnival today, so will be busy all day!! Catch up with you guys soon
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Poor Nemo...i bet you are exhausted. Gotta find what works best to let you relax enough to just tko. Lost have fun !!  I wish there was a carnival or something to go to around here regularly.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I absolutely think you're right. This will be the hardest thing i've had to do in a long time. I'm gonna think long and hard about just what and how to say it. Its gonna be really hard and its really scary.


You'll be fine  ask God to help you find the right words to say  good luck 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Ok guys I've got a dilemma. I'm trying to do a 180 as you know, but my IC told me to do something which I'm not sure about doing. She said to challenge my h about saying to people that I'm happy with the situation. She also said to ask him what is this weight that's been lifted off his shoulders, is it me? What do I do? She said I shouldn't be used as a doormat. She doesn't know what a 180 is, I've tried to explain. What do you lot think I should do, ignore it or do as my IC says?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

Thanks catch  there are always a lot of carnivals going on around the towns during the summer 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I absolutely think you're right. This will be the hardest thing i've had to do in a long time. I'm gonna think long and hard about just what and how to say it. Its gonna be really hard and its really scary.


You already know that you will be waiting a looooooooong time if you wait for H to initiate this discussion.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You already know that you will be waiting a looooooooong time if you wait for H to initiate this discussion.


Yes, i know. It's so sad that I will have to set aside once again what I want in order to get what I need. It's so much easier to just give up. Now I know why the Bible says He would rather us not even get married...


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Ok guys I've got a dilemma. I'm trying to do a 180 as you know, but my IC told me to do something which I'm not sure about doing. She said to challenge my h about saying to people that I'm happy with the situation. She also said to ask him what is this weight that's been lifted off his shoulders, is it me? What do I do? She said I shouldn't be used as a doormat. She doesn't know what a 180 is, I've tried to explain. What do you lot think I should do, ignore it or do as my IC says?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmm...idk about that. How does she not know what a 180 is ? I don't think I'm one with lots of advice these days. But I would not break the 180 just because she, someone who doesn't know what it is, says so. I do agree with the doormat thing though. I dont think asking him that will change it if that's the case.


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## catch22gofigure

I cam over yesterday as requested. He is having a hard time dealing with his "mr" not working properly. He is no longer keeping this apt tidy, all of his bills are behind becausehhe. Is spending his money on fast food ...i know this is all signs of depression in him. I feel bad because i have no desire to help him through it right now. We are barely touching one another, i've went from not only beimg baby and honey to woman being added to the list. A title I don't like. Things are going downhill for us you guys. So I will be moving to another thread soon. I will keep up on here as much as I can. But so far nothing we're doing is working. What a life I have...uggggggghhh.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Hmmm...idk about that. How does she not know what a 180 is ? I don't think I'm one with lots of advice these days. But I would not break the 180 just because she, someone who doesn't know what it is, says so. I do agree with the doormat thing though. I dont think asking him that will change it if that's the case.


She only thinks I'm a doormat by not speaking out and saying anything about things that he's said. Thanks for your advice Tron and it's nice to see you back on here  I won't say anything then, just ignore it


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I cam over yesterday as requested. He is having a hard time dealing with his "mr" not working properly. He is no longer keeping this apt tidy, all of his bills are behind becausehhe. Is spending his money on fast food ...i know this is all signs of depression in him. I feel bad because i have no desire to help him through it right now. We are barely touching one another, i've went from not only beimg baby and honey to woman being added to the list. A title I don't like. Things are going downhill for us you guys. So I will be moving to another thread soon. I will keep up on here as much as I can. But so far nothing we're doing is working. What a life I have...uggggggghhh.


If you're going to say uggggh, then you need to keep to this thread, lol  what is "mr"? My H lives on fast food as well, it's because they can't be bothered to cook for one. My H is a great cook, but he doesn't seem that bothered since he's been living on his own. Haven't they heard of a freezer? Oh yes that's right, it's where he keeps his bag of icecubes!!!! :rofl:


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> If you're going to say uggggh, then you need to keep to this thread, lol  what is "mr"? My H lives on fast food as well, it's because they can't be bothered to cook for one. My H is a great cook, but he doesn't seem that bothered since he's been living on his own. Haven't they heard of a freezer? Oh yes that's right, it's where he keeps his bag of icecubes!!!! :rofl:


Rigggghhht, this one is a excellent cook as well. Doesn't cook here though..he is eating junk food like you would not believe. He is distancing himself again so I am allowing him as much space as I can. Well when he'll not make me feel bad for it. Wait !! You don't know what I mean by his "mr" ??...lol lets just say food is stepping in and sex is becoming well uhhhh...not so HARD of a thing these days.

He's also a very neat person. Not here he's not. I used to clean up over here ...not anymore I don't though. I mean you left....so i think its time you feel what its like for me to not be me. I rarely even cook over here anymore. Hell im a guest...we'll both sit here hungry until it's determined what we'll eat. Lately , ive just gone home to do what I need and get what I.need and then come over. Am I wrong in doing this ? I just want to make sure I'm not being used. But my absence in things is really showing up around here....smh


----------



## Tron

Do you think a big mess at his apt may be some extra motivation to move "home"?

Not sure how you get him off the fast food Catch, but he isn't taking care of himself and hence not taking care of you...if you know what I mean

I take it he hasn't seen his doc lately?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Do you think a big mess at his apt may be some extra motivation to move "home"?
> 
> Not sure how you get him off the fast food Catch, but he isn't taking care of himself and hence not taking care of you...if you know what I mean
> 
> I take it he hasn't seen his doc lately?


Correct. Still has not gone to the dr. One thing i didn't let you all in on is that his dad is now impotent. Started as ED . His wife left him and he too has a little apt of his own. So idk if this is scaring him too. Heredity i mean....i want to clean up for him but i don't think i should, should I ? 

And no he's not taking care of me or anything else it seems for that matter. All thismoney he has been blowing on foolishness, then he tells me yesterday how all of his stuff is behind with disconnect notices ! Part of it I feel is a revelation to him that the problems he was having when home. Still exist away from home. So I am not the sole problem. Neither was my not working. I'm making it...barely but making it even before i got this job , just on my unemployment. The same way I was before he left. I provide the food for both houses since me and the kids are over here a LOT. Since i stopped . doing that...there's barely anything to eat over here. I think he is beginning to see too, all that I did do and have been doing as a wife. He hates to be proven wrong. But I know he can't help but notice that I too have withdrawn. I've been being the "friend" he says I am. Idk if this is right or wrong...but my co dependency book does suggest that I detach from those things t that really don't concern me. This apt is one of them if he's" done". He had stayed over to my house some..but he doesn't clean there. Then asks for y things as if he's beem gone so long that he doesn't know where we keep things. The simplicity ofthings like that erk me to no end. I even said it to him. I was like..now you have not been gone that long thatyou don't know where things are around here...be for real..


----------



## Tron

Keep on with what you are doing. I don't see a need to clean his place too. Don't do it. Take care of your own dishes and normal courtesy stuff. Bulk of it needs to be on him. 

Sounds like he is sufficiently motivated. Be patient.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Keep on with what you are doing. I don't see a need to clean his place too. Don't do it. Take care of your own dishes and normal courtesy stuff. Bulk of it needs to be on him.
> 
> Sounds like he is sufficiently motivated. Be patient.


Thanks Tron. I needed to hear that . I was so umsure if I was doing the wrong thing.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I absolutely think you're right. This will be the hardest thing i've had to do in a long time. I'm gonna think long and hard about just what and how to say it. Its gonna be really hard and its really scary.



Yeah I'd go somem like what Nemo's saying to Catch . It's only fair you have some idea by now of just what's going through his nut.
As to approach and how you put it , with someone like him , maybe you could draw on your best results with him from the past and take that approach maybe.
Good luck .


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Ok guys I've got a dilemma. I'm trying to do a 180 as you know, but my IC told me to do something which I'm not sure about doing. She said to challenge my h about saying to people that I'm happy with the situation. She also said to ask him what is this weight that's been lifted off his shoulders, is it me? What do I do? She said I shouldn't be used as a doormat. She doesn't know what a 180 is, I've tried to explain. What do you lot think I should do, ignore it or do as my IC says?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yeah lost l got phone counseling at the start and none of them had ever heard of a 180 either.
The way they al advised this stuff , now let me try and get it right.
They've said you do what's right for you type of thing.
So for me say if it hurts me seeing her , don't see her if l don't have to.
Or say if l don't wanna do some family thing , not comfortable with it under these circumstance , say no you don't want to.
lf l'm moping too much , pick myself up , get out a bit or do some hobbies.
Everything they advised was all sorta a long these lines , more in just how l feel about whatever the thing was and doing what l felt was right for me not her .
l thought was a pretty good way of looking at it really.

l' d just ask him if you could . There's a key to his thinking in that line so it's a biggie.

Definitely don't be a doormat ! Good luck


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I cam over yesterday as requested. He is having a hard time dealing with his "mr" not working properly. He is no longer keeping this apt tidy, all of his bills are behind becausehhe. Is spending his money on fast food ...i know this is all signs of depression in him. I feel bad because i have no desire to help him through it right now. We are barely touching one another, i've went from not only beimg baby and honey to woman being added to the list. A title I don't like. Things are going downhill for us you guys. So I will be moving to another thread soon. I will keep up on here as much as I can. But so far nothing we're doing is working. What a life I have...uggggggghhh.



Yeah go with Tron Catch , don't clean his apt . Anyway your working more , he moved out , why should you.
Think his attitude now's about you working , he's sulking. You'll have money , you won't be as on call anymore , you'll be busy - what do ya think Tron ?
Sorry things are crap right now but personally I really think it's time to find out "what" he's thinking "is" with you guys .


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Yeah go with Tron Catch , don't clean his apt . Anyway your working more , he moved out , why should you.
> Think his attitude now's about you working , he's sulking. You'll have money , you won't be as on call anymore , you'll be busy - what do ya think Tron ?
> Sorry things are crap right now but personally I really think it's time to find out "what" he's thinking "is" with you guys .


I think you're right. He has never really likes me working. He just knows financially we've never had any other choice. He's in the past always seemed to have been in competition with me. Im the nerdy one, very social one, very popular among our peers and our community. He on the other hand is awesome in his own right...its just not as visible to others as my accomplishments and endeavors. If I buy something on sale...he'll go and be like I got a better deal on this... i shop here because.yafa yada...little crap like that. When im not working though, never to any reason of my own,....then it's like 'look at me im doing it all by myself...yada yada " leaving me feeling inadequate and defensive. ...which causes a blow out. Because im far from squeamish so my mouth opens and out comes the thrashing . All I say though is generally mirroring his flaws to him. It's true and he cant communicate, let alone argue. So that's where I temporarily win the battle. He gets hurt unbeknownst to me. I feel like he started it so obviously can handle it. Boi was I wrong in thinning like that...because I know now ,just by actions during this separation that it hurt him deeply. Probably deeper than his words and actions could ever hurt me because im so tough skinned due to the life I've had to live.


----------



## whitehawk

Hey Catch lucky your not male then. You'd be called an abuser , too dominating,too this too that, you'd be sent to anger management, counselors and you'd be expected to start training yourself to bite your tongue no matter what and suck it up . 
And when you explain why your yourself you'd be told you have issues .
Truth is though you just have a fiery personality and just like a lot of other guys and gals it just needs to work with who your with.

l was much more fiery than my x - spose there's somem wrong with me too. But my whole families fiery . Not only to we have french blood but we grew up in a huge bossy family so most of us had to fight from day one for anything and everything .
In x's family you were a freak if you ever yelled , hell we all grew up with heaps of yelling around the house there was always someone yelling about something, no biggie . But in hers
everything was rug swept , she was a lot like that too.
Use to be funny watching her try not to rug sweep sometimes, she'd really have to try non stop and it always reverted back to rug sweeping the second she stopped trying. lt just wasn't in her nature , upbringing , it was really funny when it wasn't frustrating .

l think he's moved out because he's just at a loss . Still loves you and just hopes it all goes away if he's not there for awhile .

Still , you gotta get whatever it is from the horses mouths the best .


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I think you're right. He has never really likes me working. He just knows financially we've never had any other choice. He's in the past always seemed to have been in competition with me. Im the nerdy one, very social one, very popular among our peers and our community. He on the other hand is awesome in his own right...its just not as visible to others as my accomplishments and endeavors. If I buy something on sale...he'll go and be like I got a better deal on this... i shop here because.yafa yada...little crap like that. When im not working though, never to any reason of my own,....then it's like 'look at me im doing it all by myself...yada yada " leaving me feeling inadequate and defensive. ...which causes a blow out. Because im far from squeamish so my mouth opens and out comes the thrashing . All I say though is generally mirroring his flaws to him. It's true and he cant communicate, let alone argue. So that's where I temporarily win the battle. He gets hurt unbeknownst to me. I feel like he started it so obviously can handle it. Boi was I wrong in thinning like that...because I know now ,just by actions during this separation that it hurt him deeply. Probably deeper than his words and actions could ever hurt me because im so tough skinned due to the life I've had to live.


And this is why not reacting is the best course. If you don't get sucked in, noone gets hurt.


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## lostwithouthim

Thanks for the encouragement WH  I used to feel uncomfortable in his presence, but I don't anymore. I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing. He came into Church today for coffee after the service, this has become a regular thing now.
I'm mentioned that there's a lunch at the Church the week after next and he said he'll have to see what he's doing.
He asked if we enjoyed the party last night. He said he only got the email this morning and I said that I told him about it. I know he's got a bad memory and he forgot that I mentioned it. I told him he needs to write things down on his calender. I can't be responsible now for reminding him about stuff now, can I? Anyway I think I had a better time at the party without him and I think that I would've been made to feel uncomfortable with him being there. So like you said WH, I avoid things with him that make me feel uncomfortable. If he had really wanted to come, he would've remembered. That's one thing he needs to start doing now and that's to remember his own stuff. Hopefully that will be one way that he'll grow up and start standing on his own 2 feet  After all that's what he wanted, isn't it?
Tell me if I'm wrong here as I still feel like a newbie when doing the 180s


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## Tron

Keep on Lost. 

He wants a divorce...let him know what that feels like.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Keep on Lost.
> 
> He wants a divorce...let him know what that feels like.


Thanks Tron  I sometimes doubt myself about whether or not I'm doing the right thing. He's not mentioned the D for ages and I don't know whether he still plans on going to the solicitors. I don't want to ask him, but it's driving me crazy not knowing!


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> And this is why not reacting is the best course. If you don't get sucked in, noone gets hurt.


Right, I thank you so much for pointing out to me that I was even doing it because I honestly didn't realize I was doing it. Yes i've had a mere few relapses but I take pride in knowing I've learned to be aware and not react.

This morning I could take it no more. This apt was out of control. So I went in the kitchen and began running dishwater. Guess who got up and just cleaned their apt ?


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## Tron

Tron said:


> Keep on Lost.
> 
> He wants a divorce...let him know what that feels like.


And don't pay for something you don't want. This is all on him.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> And don't pay for something you don't want. This is all on him.


If you're talking about the D Tron, don't worry I'm not going to  I've got a good solicitor lined up when I'm ready and it's not going to cost me a penny  It's through a charity, long story 
Of course, H doesn't need to know this  In fact I think he's got it into his head that I'm not going to get a solicitor 
One of my friends told me he's living in a dream world and it's going to take longer than 6 months (more like two years!).
I'm still not sure whether he's going ahead with the D, he would've mentioned it by now. Maybe he's decided to wait after all, I've no idea how he's going to afford it!
I'm hoping he is slowly but surely getting his faith back  He was waiting in his car until the service had finished today and said he was singing along to one of the hymns 
I'm hoping he does because at the moment he's got the devil on his shoulder! I pray regularly for him and my family


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks Tron  I sometimes doubt myself about whether or not I'm doing the right thing. He's not mentioned the D for ages and I don't know whether he still plans on going to the solicitors. I don't want to ask him, but it's driving me crazy not knowing!


Yeah could imagine lost.
Feel for you and the same about my x and R.
As l was saying there's been things and changes with her lately and l just feel like saying right - what's all this about then spit it out !
One thing lost , if he is ever going to change he's mind it'd be better if he reaches that conclusion himself . l feel the same about my x although l think to it depends on what the individual issues were , mine is different but l still feel she has to come to her own terms about things.
But your h definitely , he wanted out for reasons and he needs to work through those himself first and either come to regret it or not . But hey , doesn't mean you can't influence in other ways with the changes and stuff , l know mines really sitting up and taking notice . 
ps , what the hells he doing sitting in the car at the service anyway ?


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Right, I thank you so much for pointing out to me that I was even doing it because I honestly didn't realize I was doing it. Yes i've had a mere few relapses but I take pride in knowing I've learned to be aware and not react.
> 
> This morning I could take it no more. This apt was out of control. So I went in the kitchen and began running dishwater. Guess who got up and just cleaned their apt ?


Hey , next time he's nagging you to come over ask him if he's cleaned up because your not going to a pig sty


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hey , next time he's nagging you to come over ask him if he's cleaned up because your not going to a pig sty


Lol, i better not say that it'll start a riot. Remember in trying to tame my mouth. .


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Yeah could imagine lost.
> Feel for you and the same about my x and R.
> As l was saying there's been things and changes with her lately and l just feel like saying right - what's all this about then spit it out !
> One thing lost , if he is ever going to change he's mind it'd be better if he reaches that conclusion himself . l feel the same about my x although l think to it depends on what the individual issues were , mine is different but l still feel she has to come to her own terms about things.
> But your h definitely , he wanted out for reasons and he needs to work through those himself first and either come to regret it or not . But hey , doesn't mean you can't influence in other ways with the changes and stuff , l know mines really sitting up and taking notice .
> ps , what the hells he doing sitting in the car at the service anyway ?


He doesn't go to the Church service, he was waiting outside for the service to finish. He pick my son up from Church to take him out for the day. He didn't used to bother coming in at all and now he comes in for a coffee.
I agree about him having to make his own mind up. I know he's moaned about the state of the house before and that is something I've got to work on. What gets me about WAS is there must be something going on in their head to want to split the family up!
I'm having a wobbler at the mo, I was sorting some things out last night and I came across some old anniversary cards that H sent me. Inside he's written love you always and forever, on every single card he's written. Even the cards he sent me last year! I'm just feeling a bit sad at the mo, but that hasn't stopped me going out  I'm sure not ready for a D yet! The cards have now been chucked away


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> He doesn't go to the Church service, he was waiting outside for the service to finish. He pick my son up from Church to take him out for the day. He didn't used to bother coming in at all and now he comes in for a coffee.
> I agree about him having to make his own mind up. I know he's moaned about the state of the house before and that is something I've got to work on. What gets me about WAS is there must be something going on in their head to want to split the family up!
> I'm having a wobbler at the mo, I was sorting some things out last night and I came across some old anniversary cards that H sent me. Inside he's written love you always and forever, on every single card he's written. Even the cards he sent me last year! I'm just feeling a bit sad at the mo, but that hasn't stopped me going out  I'm sure not ready for a D yet! The cards have now been chucked away


I'm sorry about your rollercoaster day Lost. Prayerfully, we. will all get answers soon. Just as soon as I get one battle won on this end four more obstacles show up. I'm guess that's why it's so exhausting for me. I joined that other site you mentioned...i don't really like it so far. Takes too long. I'm gonna practice patience and give it a try.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm sorry about your rollercoaster day Lost. Prayerfully, we. will all get answers soon. Just as soon as I get one battle won on this end four more obstacles show up. I'm guess that's why it's so exhausting for me. I joined that other site you mentioned...i don't really like it so far. Takes too long. I'm gonna practice patience and give it a try.


Is that the DB site? Once you get off moderation it's really good, but it's a pain when you're on moderation  Post on various threads lots of times and then you'll be off moderation before you know it  I'm ok now  I had the wine last night, I don't drink during the day, lol. Well...sometimes I may have the odd glass of lager shandy


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Is that the DB site? Once you get off moderation it's really good, but it's a pain when you're on moderation  Post on various threads lots of times and then you'll be off moderation before you know it  I'm ok now  I had the wine last night, I don't drink during the day, lol. Well...sometimes I may have the odd glass of lager shandy


Yeah that's the one..


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok.. i got a lil peeved today (no reaction from me )Decided I need to go home a while. Well I wasn't gone 30 minutes before my phone rang. When I refused to come over...guess who followed me over until it was time for them to leave to work ? Sooooo... here I go on my train ride around the amusement park...smh. Just venting you all...


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok.. i got a lil peeved today (no reaction from me )Decided I need to go home a while. Well I wasn't gone 30 minutes before my phone rang. When I refused to come over...guess who followed me over until it was time for them to leave to work ? Sooooo... here I go on my train ride around the amusement park...smh. Just venting you all...


Lol I like your take on this about the train ride  He's a funny one your H, no wonder you're confused! Maybe it's time for that little "sit down and let's have a talk" chat. Do you two actually get to do this or do you lead such hectic lives?
I think I should be going to bed now, it's after 12midnight again! I've been up late most days and wake up early as the weather is lovely and hot in the morning  I love the hot weather! most people moan about it, but I'd rather it be like this than cold and wet weather 
Night night :sleeping:


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## catch22gofigure

Yeah pretty hectic lives it is...then there's the kids. I don't mention them much here...but trust me they are ever present. ..lol Im gonna get to it. He's swarming again. What I call swarming is when I can tell he's following around my every move as though he wants me to say something or he wants to say something. Kinda like trickle truth without the OM/OW. Remember I told you I just found out about the delinquent bills O think that was yesterday, then last night I find out about the car payment, then todayyyy i find out that his rent hasn't been paid !! 
So im sitting here thinking about a lot. All the snacks and things he buys us all, all the let's have drinks. ...all of this stuff he's been doing for me and the kids....he hasn't been paying his bills for the past month or so ! 

I've been trying to play my part in this whole thing. ..so not asking him prior to him telling me ,ive had no clue he hasn't been paying them. I'm sure he'll rush and catch them up...by why even go through all that. So...idk he's depressed and priorities all jacked up right now...mine are paid. Idk what is on his mind not paying his.

I told. you from the beginning this man is whacko...lol But noooooo, im the kukoo one to hear him tell it lol. Anywho...im grateful that im learning so much more about Me...now if only he'd do the same. Because this is not gonna work i see. The better im getting the more these little things are annoying me. It's gonna take two to fix this marriage. It's the only way. I feel right now is that my personality is too strong to just let it all fly. Im gonna keep working on me. Maybe some info somewhere down the road will help on that. 
By the way. This Co dependence no more is a good book. But im not gonna lie...its lonnnng
Its not taken me this long in a lonnnng time to finish a book.


----------



## Tron

So, Catch. This hovering he's doing...was he always like that, or is this something recent?

If you aren't reacting to him with your usual fiery self, do you suppose that he is trying to figure out or probe what is going on with you? Or is he just trying to figure out how to ask you to bail him out of this $hitpot he has got himself into?


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## whitehawk

whitehawk said:


> Hey , next time he's nagging you to come over ask him if he's cleaned up because your not going to a pig sty


Haha , love to be a fly on the wall. That's the thing when one has a livelier personality than the other one , it becomes all about when to and when not too doesn't it. Pain in the [email protected]@ 

ps , oops, quoted the wrong one , sorry Catch . This was to your reply , umm !


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> He doesn't go to the Church service, he was waiting outside for the service to finish. He pick my son up from Church to take him out for the day. He didn't used to bother coming in at all and now he comes in for a coffee.
> I agree about him having to make his own mind up. I know he's moaned about the state of the house before and that is something I've got to work on. What gets me about WAS is there must be something going on in their head to want to split the family up!
> I'm having a wobbler at the mo, I was sorting some things out last night and I came across some old anniversary cards that H sent me. Inside he's written love you always and forever, on every single card he's written. Even the cards he sent me last year! I'm just feeling a bit sad at the mo, but that hasn't stopped me going out  I'm sure not ready for a D yet! The cards have now been chucked away



Yeah l dunno . Mine told me just 6wks before her sep letter she still loves me more than anything and wants to grow old with me.
Mind you , some things happened in my EA during that 6wks , really did some damage .
Spose l'm lucky though compared to many because she explained absolutely everything . She toned down some of it like her real feelings about my friend , pride you know . But that all came out oo in the end.
I mean she was right about a lot of stuff but we'd also just been to hell and back for 6yrs trying to get reestablished and a home in a new area so there were reasons and huge stress's on us both, changes.
This wasn't the answer though and there was no way l was going to choose my friend over her, it wasn't like that.
So it's such a shame as the rest was just stresses and cluster fk, some stuff she needed to tell me about but didn't , we would have leveled out again. Dunno !


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Yeah l dunno . Mine told me just 6wks before her sep letter she still loves me more than anything and wants to grow old with me.
> Mind you , some things happened in my EA during that 6wks , really did some damage .
> Spose l'm lucky though compared to many because she explained absolutely everything . She toned down some of it like her real feelings about my friend , pride you know . But that all came out oo in the end.
> I mean she was right about a lot of stuff but we'd also just been to hell and back for 6yrs trying to get reestablished and a home in a new area so there were reasons and huge stress's on us both, changes.
> This wasn't the answer though and there was no way l was going to choose my friend over her, it wasn't like that.
> So it's such a shame as the rest was just stresses and cluster fk, some stuff she needed to tell me about but didn't , we would have leveled out again. Dunno !


I agree about the stress WH. Sometimes it all gets on top of us and we lash out at our nearest and dearest. Especially around Christmas when there's just not enough money around and we're trying to buy presents for everyone and food for the holiday season.
With my H it was the depression that got to him enough to make him want to move out. He blames me for his depression, but depression is an illness that doesn't cure itself overnight. He sometimes comes round here and he's not his usual bubbly self. It's mainly when he's tired or got no money. I don't blame myself for his depression, but I blame him for mine. When my H was depressed, he brought me down with him. Now I'm the one on the tablets and getting IC help. I helped him loads during his depression and this is how he repays me!
Hopefully one day our spouses will wake up and come back to their senses  In the meantime, I'll just have to get on with life


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree about the stress WH. Sometimes it all gets on top of us and we lash out at our nearest and dearest. Especially around Christmas when there's just not enough money around and we're trying to buy presents for everyone and food for the holiday season.
> With my H it was the depression that got to him enough to make him want to move out. He blames me for his depression, but depression is an illness that doesn't cure itself overnight. He sometimes comes round here and he's not his usual bubbly self. It's mainly when he's tired or got no money. I don't blame myself for his depression, but I blame him for mine. When my H was depressed, he brought me down with him. Now I'm the one on the tablets and getting IC help. I helped him loads during his depression and this is how he repays me!
> Hopefully one day our spouses will wake up and come back to their senses  In the meantime, I'll just have to get on with life



Yeah lost your h seems mostly about money doesn't it which can really bring anyone down . We went through so much money stuff , work stuff , getting finance stuff , the works. lt knocked us both about sooo much , changed us through stress . l was depressed through a lot of that 6yrs to through work hassles but she'd had a good job from day one so that part was much different for her. A guy just needs to know his families taken care of but things just wouldn't come together.
Strangest thing was , this all happened after things had finally come together. We got a house , work started coming good . like it was still hard but the downhill run was just round the corner.

lost sorry if l missed it but what can't he get work or ? 
You guys did own the house though didn't you ? If so , that's the one main biggie , well after what we went through anyway-still , gotta have money to live to l guess .


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> lost sorry if l missed it but what can't he get work or ?
> You guys did own the house though didn't you ? If so , that's the one main biggie , well after what we went through anyway-still , gotta have money to live to l guess .


He's suffered a lot in the past with depression and anxiety. He got a job, then has to leave after 2 days because of panic attacks. He's been trying to get work, start his own business, trying everything to help support our family. During his really low moods, he wouldn't even bother.
The job situation in the UK is rubbish! There's about 50 people going for one job! My H kept getting told he was overqualified and if something better came up then he would leave. He now has to omit most of his quals and work experience off his CV.
My parents didn't help the situation. They would constantly be on at me about my H not working and so the pecking order went down the line. My mum is especially vicious about this, she has a mindset that men have got to work 9-5, 5 days a week. There's university students not being able to get a job!
He was working as a driving instructor, but had to give that up as he had problems with his ears that caused him to get dizzy and be sick. According to my parents, it was all in his head and there was nothing wrong with him! My stepmum was really nasty about this, saying that someone she knows went back to work a week later after he'd had a heart attack.
It was after that that my H started with depression and lack of motivation.
He is building up his own business now, but he doesn't earn fortunes. He's applied for a few jobs as well, but hasn't got anywhere. He's accumulated a large amount of credit card debts and this is where he gets depressed. He's never been any good with money, so when the latest console or game came out, he had to buy it! He just needs to grow up when it comes to money!
He's become more frugal since we've been married, it's a case of having to! Now that he's living on his own, he's back to his old ways. As soon as he gets some money, he blows it on takeaways, ready meals and new clothes. 
Anyway enough of the venting WH, lol. You really got me going on that one!!


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok.. i got a lil peeved today (no reaction from me )Decided I need to go home a while. Well I wasn't gone 30 minutes before my phone rang. When I refused to come over...guess who followed me over until it was time for them to leave to work ? Sooooo... here I go on my train ride around the amusement park...smh. Just venting you all...




I hope there is some lovely scenery this time of year. I think that train is headed my way and I am about to join you on your ride around the amusement park. Least I will have some pleasant company with you along for the ride.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Lol Nemo, you also have a way with words  Can you collect me on your way round as well


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> So, Catch. This hovering he's doing...was he always like that, or is this something recent?
> 
> If you aren't reacting to him with your usual fiery self, do you suppose that he is trying to figure out or probe what is going on with you? Or is he just trying to figure out how to ask you to bail him out of this $hitpot he has got himself into?


Yes. This is what he's always done when in the hot seat. To try and get back in good graces. That's kinda what i've been saying to you all along. I guess I didn't know how to put it. This is the stuff he does everytime he tries to snuggle himself back to good graces. Even after the simplest dis agreement. 

Now I do think it's a little of both. He's trying to gauge why i'm wanting to stay home more. He cant figure out why I dont want to stay the night at his place. It's not that im mad at him he knows. Im still communicating with no fussing, we still have sex (at my place when his *mr* is cooperating) i fix him lunch for work ...but all from here. I stay there...maybe one or two nights a week now...this is the second week of that. 
In the same breath he is in a doozy of a mess. He's working and possibly can climb out of it...but will he is what im wondering. He's NEVER until now lived alone. We've both faced issues like this...but together. So i don't know how he is gonna handle this. We'll see. He know good and well I can't bail him out. Im barely making it myself over here. The job....ohhh yeah forgot to tell about this one. I had to leave.. i was being sexually harrassed and verbally discriminated against. So had to file a suit with my local department of labor. 

Im telling you my life is literally a movie just waiting to happen. This all took place Sunday.

This time though there is a little something different. Almost a hesitancy, like he's scared or afraid of something. Its not highly visible. ..its almost like a silent language that he's trying to keep that way...but his actions are making it audible to me. I know he's depressed and will never admit it, then there's the mr issue, then of course the underlying health issue, and to top it off finances.....so i know it's a lot on him. But I can't/won't help him sort it all out unless he's trying to help himself.

The last time we separated, i kept showing up with workbooks and movies and such. Anything that I thought would help. I would tell him we need to talk or why don't we try this or that......this time, I've done none of the sorts. If anything I've tried to agree with him that ok if you're done...then I am too. Though I want this R so badly, im not about to sacrifice happiness for the rest of my life because of one person who can't get me into heaven or hell. He knows im a strong person, he knows my heart and loyalty to people. What he didn't know and I think is slightly starting to realize is all he risks losing by losing me as a wife. Im not the best but there is far worse. I do have a pride too...maybe moreso than others astrologically speaking...lol I'm a Leo...we're supposedly the proudest of them all. I can agree to that honestly. So even though you have to monitor that. I will not let go of all of it for the sake of another human beings decision to not be with me for life. I can't. Thats a part of me, my pride that is. It's helped me in the past make good decisions, motivated me to strive for better, allows me to be all that I can possibly be. Why would I rid myself of all of me ,for someone who is not willing to wvwn share all of them with me. His feelings and deepest thoughts is what im. Speaking of.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> The job....ohhh yeah forgot to tell about this one. I had to leave.. i was being sexually harrassed and verbally discriminated against. So had to file a suit with my local department of labor.
> 
> Im telling you my life is literally a movie just waiting to happen. This all took place Sunday.
> 
> This time though there is a little something different. Almost a hesitancy, like he's scared or afraid of something. Its not highly visible. ..its almost like a silent language that he's trying to keep that way...but his actions are making it audible to me. I know he's depressed and will never admit it, then there's the mr issue, then of course the underlying health issue, and to top it off finances.....so i know it's a lot on him. But I can't/won't help him sort it all out unless he's trying to help himself.


I'm shocked about your job! You're right, you should write a book, it'll become a best seller, lol. Either that or a soap opera, lol 
I agree that the issues are something he needs to sort out himself  I feel the same way about my H, he's got a lot of stuff to sort out and he needs to wake up and realise this! I can't do it for him and neither would he want me to. If anything he will back away from anything I say!


----------



## lostwithouthim

I hope I get a better night's sleep tonight. My head was on a roundabout last night, I saw your and Nemo's train as it was going round and round and round. I've felt a bit emotional today and irritable. I couldn't find my new pack of anti-ds so that explains that one  
I had a really good day today  I went to a support group for autism and got some good info for my son  I had a friend come round here this afternoon and she's going to do my garden for me! yeah! it's got slightly overgrown of late! She does gardening for a living and isn't going to charge me that much either 
My son went on a bowling trip tonight so I've had the evening to myself  Did I get a lot done? Did I heck! lol. I was too tired today, but I did clean the carpet in the bathroom 
Once I get the garden done, I can have some friends round for a BBQ  Hopefully the good weather will last!


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Haha , love to be a fly on the wall. That's the thing when one has a livelier personality than the other one , it becomes all about when to and when not too doesn't it. Pain in the [email protected]@
> 
> ps , oops, quoted the wrong one , sorry Catch . This was to your reply , umm !


Yes, its a real challenge for me. It's much easier for me to open my mouth and just let loose. I am not proud of it AT ALL I must add. Its a real live issue that I have to work on with every interaction with this guy and a select few others. Unless you've hurt me in some kind of way ...then those people do not know this side if me exists. Or at least I like to think they don't.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I hope there is some lovely scenery this time of year. I think that train is headed my way and I am about to join you on your ride around the amusement park. Least I will have some pleasant company with you along for the ride.


We can only hope...i better take a pic while we're here. Because after we're done i dang sure don't want to have to visit again. Im sick of this place already..lol


----------



## lostwithouthim

Catch, have you read Sandi's rules on the DB site? Rules to live by and adapt to your situation  I am trying to follow the rules, just re-read them and find that I'm not following all of them! lol. Will try again tomorrow when H comes round to see our son


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm shocked about your job! You're right, you should write a book, it'll become a best seller, lol. Either that or a soap opera, lol
> I agree that the issues are something he needs to sort out himself  I feel the same way about my H, he's got a lot of stuff to sort out and he needs to wake up and realise this! I can't do it for him and neither would he want me to. If anything he will back away from anything I say!


Yeah , it was bad, really bad. What shockes me is that the people in there were ok with this stuff. Like it was no big deal..


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yeah , it was bad, really bad. What shockes me is that the people in there were ok with this stuff. Like it was no big deal..


That is disgusting! Obviously it's the norm there and people just put up with it! Maybe they're swingers, lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch, have you read Sandi's rules on the DB site? Rules to live by and adapt to your situation  I am trying to follow the rules, just re-read them and find that I'm not following all of them! lol. Will try again tomorrow when H comes round to see our son


No, i haven't ill check them out soon


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> That is disgusting! Obviously it's the norm there and people just put up with it! Maybe they're swingers, lol


 Idk what they are Lost, but after a month of it I could take no more and I swung my happy behind out of there. I feel for those still employed there. Idk what will happen but its all been reported to the labor commissioner.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Idk what they are Lost, but after a month of it I could take no more and I swung my happy behind out of there. I feel for those still employed there. Idk what will happen but its all been reported to the labor commissioner.


I don't blame you! I don't think I could've lasted a month. You'll get it sorted out with the labor commissioner, I'm sure of it


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I don't blame you! I don't think I could've lasted a month. You'll get it sorted out with the labor commissioner, I'm sure of it


I surely hope he does something about it. That's just how badly I want to be working. I tried to overlook most stuff...but the two things that I mentioned, i just couldn't. God has somthing for me I know. It's shame its such sick and distasteful people in this world .


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ya know what has me on edge right now ?? Well I'll tell ya , i know an analysis is coming based on the questions you've asked me. I'm excited to hear it nonetheless ; but im just hoping that Im on the right track and not doing something wrong. Lol...Tron to me is like the big brother of the thread.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Heyyyyy NotEz....where aaaaarrrreeee you ?


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I surely hope he does something about it. That's just how badly I want to be working. I tried to overlook most stuff...but the two things that I mentioned, i just couldn't. God has somthing for me I know. It's shame its such sick and distasteful people in this world .


It is vile. I once read in a book that even though satan has been defeated, he is still thrashing about. The analogy was that a snake got his head chopped off and he was still thrashing about. Even though it was dead, it refused to die just like satan.
I do think these people will get punished for their actions.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Hey you guys, I've just had a brilliant suggestion made to me on the DB forum. The girl suggests making a vision board. you can search for it or you can go directly to https://christinekane.com/how-to-make-a-vision-board/ to find out what I'm talking about. I'm so excited now, it gives me something to focus on and will help keep my motivation up


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> He's suffered a lot in the past with depression and anxiety. He got a job, then has to leave after 2 days because of panic attacks. He's been trying to get work, start his own business, trying everything to help support our family. During his really low moods, he wouldn't even bother.
> The job situation in the UK is rubbish! There's about 50 people going for one job! My H kept getting told he was overqualified and if something better came up then he would leave. He now has to omit most of his quals and work experience off his CV.
> My parents didn't help the situation. They would constantly be on at me about my H not working and so the pecking order went down the line. My mum is especially vicious about this, she has a mindset that men have got to work 9-5, 5 days a week. There's university students not being able to get a job!
> He was working as a driving instructor, but had to give that up as he had problems with his ears that caused him to get dizzy and be sick. According to my parents, it was all in his head and there was nothing wrong with him! My stepmum was really nasty about this, saying that someone she knows went back to work a week later after he'd had a heart attack.
> It was after that that my H started with depression and lack of motivation.
> He is building up his own business now, but he doesn't earn fortunes. He's applied for a few jobs as well, but hasn't got anywhere. He's accumulated a large amount of credit card debts and this is where he gets depressed. He's never been any good with money, so when the latest console or game came out, he had to buy it! He just needs to grow up when it comes to money!
> He's become more frugal since we've been married, it's a case of having to! Now that he's living on his own, he's back to his old ways. As soon as he gets some money, he blows it on takeaways, ready meals and new clothes.
> Anyway enough of the venting WH, lol. You really got me going on that one!!



That's cool lost vent away that's what we're here for.
But yeah ya can see a lot of he's stuff then that's for sure.
l went through so much of that myself here too . You see what happened with me was I was an artist for 11 yrs , that sent us broke , flat flat broke. We had nothing left and a new baby . No house, money , nothin.
So it was very hard for me to one eccept joing the work force again and giving up my art but two getting work.
People love artists , they're fascinated , but no one wants to give them a job or lend them money.
We were interstate then , l couldn't get work , the only way l knew to make a lot of money fast to make up for 11 yrs and flat broke was to buy a cheap house , renovate it and resell. But l couldn't get finance , l had nothing , not even a job.
Eventually l found the perfect house though so then l started working on somehow finding a loan - it would match the rent we were paying anyway so if l could. 6 mths but l found a loan , lots of bs'g . We did the house and made 70,000. So we had money again.
From there we moved back to our home state only a new area , cash up and ready start a real life again. Wrongggg !

l still couldn't get work , l'd only been an artist for the past 11yrs, money started to go , then l lost some trying to be smart on the stock market . 
We were still only renting because again l couldn't get work or a loan to buy another house, money dwindled , baby was growing.
God it was a depressing 4yrs.
Eventually l started my own business , that got me out of it. Now we are struggling and we've split up - great , but we do own 3 properties , go figure !!!!!!
So l know about depression through money and work.

l reckon given his health , and the economy , he's own business of some sort is a great idea. And like you wouldn't know though but hey , have to choose what it is wisely in these times hey.

You know lost l've been thinking money and getting rid of the pressure with him right through . lt was the family thing that caved me in too . l would've been totally different if it was just me to worry about.
Just some thoughts really anyway lost.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Ya know what has me on edge right now ?? Well I'll tell ya , i know an analysis is coming based on the questions you've asked me. I'm excited to hear it nonetheless ; but im just hoping that Im on the right track and not doing something wrong. Lol...Tron to me is like the big brother of the thread.



Heya Catch and , happy for him to have the job . Too much responsibility messing with other peoples marriages for me right now , mine's in enough of a mess. 
And Tron , your damn good at it to mate .
So Catch l really hope for you that somehow , way , you get through all this and with everyones support who knows, maybe even a happy ending eh :smthumbup:


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> That is disgusting! Obviously it's the norm there and people just put up with it! Maybe they're swingers, lol



What happened guys , looked and looked , can't find the post ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> It is vile. I once read in a book that even though satan has been defeated, he is still thrashing about. The analogy was that a snake got his head chopped off and he was still thrashing about. Even though it was dead, it refused to die just like satan.
> I do think these people will get punished for their actions.


Yes !! Very true. As I sat there i was thinking this is sooo against everything i believe in and stand for. It was a test of my faith i believe. One of those just what will you do for money kind of things.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey you guys, I've just had a brilliant suggestion made to me on the DB forum. The girl suggests making a vision board. you can search for it or you can go directly to https://christinekane.com/how-to-make-a-vision-board/ to find out what I'm talking about. I'm so excited now, it gives me something to focus on and will help keep my motivation up


Thanks for sharing! Im gonna try and check this out as well.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Heya Catch and , happy for him to have the job . Too much responsibility messing with other peoples marriages for me right now , mine's in enough of a mess.
> And Tron , your damn good at it to mate .
> So Catch l really hope for you that somehow , way , you get through all this and with everyones support who knows, maybe even a happy ending eh :smthumbup:


I hear ya on that. I'm one to give lots of advice to people daily. Not so much right now though. How can i help someone else when i can't help myself. So.being supportive is where i mainly am right now. 

I agree he is REALLY good and everything he's told me or told me to try has been successful, even if just a small success. He's direct and thorough. I'm hard headed, so his 2x4's every now and again have kept me in line.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> What happened guys , looked and looked , can't find the post ?


The job I was working was a dud...a bad dud. I was subject to some things I never thought would actually happen to me in a work place. They all happened to me at this one work place in less than a month. I really wanted that job...i cant work under those conditions though. These people actually went about their days like this crap was ok for them...smh not me. I value you me and know whats right and wrong. Unfortunately after going to management I saw nothing will be done. So i had to leave...


----------



## whitehawk

Ah right , sorry l didn't really wanna put you through explaining again but sorry about the job and the experience Catch. Damn shame.
You'll get another one, you can't do something that effects you like that and in the meantime , maybe it turns into a bit of a blessing and settles h down a bit .


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes !! Very true. As I sat there i was thinking this is sooo against everything i believe in and stand for. It was a test of my faith i believe. One of those just what will you do for money kind of things.


Well like you said, you must have been desperate for the job


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> l reckon given his health , and the economy , he's own business of some sort is a great idea. And like you wouldn't know though but hey , have to choose what it is wisely in these times hey.
> 
> You know lost l've been thinking money and getting rid of the pressure with him right through . lt was the family thing that caved me in too . l would've been totally different if it was just me to worry about.
> Just some thoughts really anyway lost.


I have given him all the support he needed through his business ventures, it was my mum, dad and sister that weren't very supported of him working for himself. They just saw him as a waste of space, which depressed him even more.
My MIL thinks that my family have had some part of his wanting to leave as the pressure got too much for him. I did try and stick up for him, but my family have stronger personalities than I have.
Thanks for your thoughts WH, they're much appreciated


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Well like you said, you must have been desperate for the job


Not desperate enough to make sacrifices just to make it work. Un unhh, kinda like this R. I need it. Want it. Not by any means necessary though. Some will, i just don't have a ounce of the that kind of gene in my body


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I have given him all the support he needed through his business ventures, it was my mum, dad and sister that weren't very supported of him working for himself. They just saw him as a waste of space, which depressed him even more.
> My MIL thinks that my family have had some part of his wanting to leave as the pressure got too much for him. I did try and stick up for him, but my family have stronger personalities than I have.
> Thanks for your thoughts WH, they're much appreciated


How were mom, dad, and sister involved in his prior business ventures ? I guess i mean in order to look down on him they would have to be informed of his plans and actions, right ?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Well last night H showed up after work wanting me to come over. The kids are away so I came over. Same behavior today..

I bought us breakfast and left to run errands for a while. I come back and we're just sitting here watching tv and before I knew out my mouth flew, What's wrong with you ? You're acting weird. He says what do you mean. I said like something is bugging you. He said something is always bugging me, bills. So that let me know he has realized that our financial issues are not owned by me solely. I used to say something to him to the effect of ...no matter where you live you gonna pay these same bills. Well there ya have it, he sees that now. He also mentioned something about hisweight gain today. I advised him it was ok...he just looked at me blankly and said do not act like you don't see this. I said I do see it;but i know you'll get it under control...heck we're both chunkish...and we laughed. ..

He indirectly asked me to stay tonight ,idk...depends on how my evening goes. Im headed to work out here shortly so we'll see


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> How were mom, dad, and sister involved in his prior business ventures ? I guess i mean in order to look down on him they would have to be informed of his plans and actions, right ?


They all wanted him to get a "proper" job, ie. 9-5. 5 days a week. They all felt setting up a business when you're the main breadwinner is a nonsense as it takes time to establish. They are very narrow minded and didn't think he was going to make anything of his business, but you have to start somewhere!
My sister and her husband both have very good jobs. They live in a big house with 2 kids and are always going on expensive holidays. My sister and her husband are snobs and my BIL has said that he can't stand people who live on benefits and don't want to work. My mum and dad both want me and my H to be like my sister and her family, but it isn't going to happen. I very rarely speak to my family and they don't know my situation as I'll get the wrong support from them. Last time my H left, my sister said that she always thought that my H was a golddigger! These sort of comments I'm afraid have been passed down to H through me and I'm now regretting saying anything to him. I just needed someone to talk to about them.
Anyway, have you looked at these vision boards yet? I'm going to start mine in the next few days. Someone on the DB forum said she's going to put a picture of her whole family on hers  Another forum member said she's going to put a picture of a man on hers with a question mark over his head, lol. I thought about putting my family on there and a picture of a strongman to remind me of being strong emotionally.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Oh ok. So they just don't like him because he's not like them. That's wrong. I agree with you on this one. Nope haven't had a chance to check them out. Im ADD So i have to be careful about having too many irons in the fire. Ive not done enough reading up on or about that site to follow much on there yet. Hopefully soon though.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I bought us breakfast and left to run errands for a while. I come back and we're just sitting here watching tv and before I knew out my mouth flew, What's wrong with you ? You're acting weird. He says what do you mean. I said like something is bugging you. He said something is always bugging me, bills. So that let me know he has realized that our financial issues are not owned by me solely. I used to say something to him to the effect of ...no matter where you live you gonna pay these same bills. Well there ya have it, he sees that now. He also mentioned something about hisweight gain today. I advised him it was ok...he just looked at me blankly and said do not act like you don't see this. I said I do see it;but i know you'll get it under control...heck we're both chunkish...and we laughed. ...


This is interesting and maybe something we can work with. Time to start formulating a plan. When does the rent run on his apartment? On a lease now or month to month?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> This is interesting and maybe something we can work with. Time to start formulating a plan. When does the rent run on his apartment? On a lease now or month to month?


Month to month. Yeah i feel like its time to revise the plan. Something is brewing with him and it seems in some sort of a holding pattern.


----------



## catch22gofigure

How's everyone doing today?


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> How's everyone doing today?


Stupid computer. Grr! I wrote you a note and I had to leave to go say good bye to my daughter as husband was here to pick her up. I come back and find that there was an error message and the computer is asking me if I want to report it or not. I did not. I wanted to post my message and go about my merry way thank you very much.  But, instead I lost the message I had written to you guys. 

Here is kind of what I wrote in a nut shell -- I was asking you guys what can I say to husband that is going to cause him to start to think different from the way he thinks right now. 

He has made it passed being afraid of coming near our house. However, he will not get out of the car. And when he talks to me about picking up or dropping off our daughter he still says -- are you going to pick a fight with me? Come on -- nearly 7 months and the only thing I have complained about is being alone and missing my family and wanting my husband to come home. That and being treated as a friend rather than his wife. Even in those cases I haven't picked a fight. I have only stated what I want and I have asked what we are doing about our relationship. In a few instances, I could have been a real witch, but I have held my tongue because I really want my husband to see that I am not out to hurt him or cause him any kind of harm. I am actually trying to work on my marriage and make it better. Sometimes when he asks me if I am going to pick a fight with him I want to ask him if he is finished with his lying and cheating ways so that I don't have to fight with him. But, I haven't said a word yet. Trying to hold it together and keep my attitude in check. 

As you guys know, I have about two weeks and he said he was going to start making decisions, doing things, or something along those lines. He hasn't started making any kind of changes at his apartment so obviously he isn't planning to come home. Which means that I am either going to be told that he is going to file for legal separation or divorce. What can I say or do that I haven't already done that can help sway things in a more favorable direction? I have tried to appeal to the lonely side of him, the loving / caring side of him, the sexual side of him, the fatherly side of him and the financial side of him. 

I really am scared and I am trying to prepare for this the best that I can, but my brain is not wanting to cooperate with me. My work is causing me to be more tired than usual and I am sleeping a lot longer hours, but now I am having night mares about bad things happening to me after the first of next month. I haven't had nightmares about anything in a really long time. Sigh....

I have been trying to journal my thoughts the best I can at the end of the day to try and relieve some of the fear I have, but it is only helping a little bit. I try not to be negative, but since I have come back from my trip -- husband picked me up at the airport. He talked to his dad all the way back to our town -- so for at least an hour. Once he patted me on the leg -- like he used to do a long time ago. but, didn't say a word to me. Then we went to dinner together. We talked about my trip and how different my training was versus what I was shown online. Once he dropped me off at the house, that was the end of the communication, etc. I have received two phone calls and they were both in regard to picking up our daughter. Today he happened to tell me what bills he has paid and what he still needs to pay. But other than that he has stopped emailing me, text messaging me, and / or calling me again. 

Round and round we go aboard the crazy train in what I have come to know as the infinite circle game.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Month to month. Yeah i feel like its time to revise the plan. Something is brewing with him and it seems in some sort of a holding pattern.



I didn't even know that month to month still existed. Around here they try to lock you in for as long as they can so they can make some money off of you in case you need to get out of the lease early. 

So, what's brewing in your mind as far as dealing with situation?


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks for sharing! Im gonna try and check this out as well.




I have something similar to this...only it's written out using words. 

My imagination scenario has to do with taking a journey in a car. I decided who I wanted to come along with me and I had to decide what the destination is. I chose to bring my husband and my daughter and my destination is the place in time where my husband returns home and we move past all of this old stuff. 

I am not sure it helps or not. Only once that I can recall have I really been able to look at this scenario and readjust my thought pattern. 

I think I should have chosen to take a train instead because I have been riding the crazy train for some time now.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> The job I was working was a dud...a bad dud. I was subject to some things I never thought would actually happen to me in a work place. They all happened to me at this one work place in less than a month. I really wanted that job...i cant work under those conditions though. These people actually went about their days like this crap was ok for them...smh not me. I value you me and know whats right and wrong. Unfortunately after going to management I saw nothing will be done. So i had to leave...



This sucks that you had to go through that and to know nothing will be done about it sucks even worse. Some people just don't know what morals and self respect are. I feel sad for them. Even sadder for you that you are out of job now, but something will come around for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts an prayers.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> I have given him all the support he needed through his business ventures, it was my mum, dad and sister that weren't very supported of him working for himself. They just saw him as a waste of space, which depressed him even more.
> My MIL thinks that my family have had some part of his wanting to leave as the pressure got too much for him. I did try and stick up for him, but my family have stronger personalities than I have.
> Thanks for your thoughts WH, they're much appreciated



Aww...how unfair for you. I think I understand what you are going through. My MIL has some reason as to why she won't talk to me, my husband or our daughter. I was told two different reasons and they are both lame excuses. First, I was told that she was jealous because my mom saw more of my daughter than she did. My mom was driving for two days each way to see my daughter --- MIL lives 45 minutes away. So how hard would it be for her to get in her car and drive to see us or invite us to her house? I was also told that I was having a bad day one Christmas and I was extremely negative so she decided to not talk to me. Okay, so don't talk to me -- but her son has lived away from me for 7 months and not once has she called him or contacted him to make sure he is doing okay. And -- my daughter was so little the last time she saw MIL that she doesn't even remember what grandma looks like. So, my daughter says she doesn't have any grandmas. Makes me sooooo mad -- but not as mad as it makes my husband. Why do people have to be like that? :scratchhead:


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I bought us breakfast and left to run errands for a while.



See how you are? Buying breakfast and not sharing.  I could use a good breakfast, lunch or dinner right about now. My tummy is growling and saying -- "Feed me! Feed me!" I am alone tonight so I am too lazy to cook.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Hi Nemo, If I was in your situation then for at least a week I wouldn't worry about what he's thinking, what he's up to, etc. It's making you ill! Concentrate on yourself and being the best that you can be. He's confused right now and he's making you confused. I urge you to try this because I don't want your health to suffer. 
I know you probably think it's too late to do a 180, but it's only for a week. Let him contact you for a change and let him do all the chasing. Just accept him for what he is at the moment, if he wants to stay outside in his car then let him! Remember babysteps! At one point he wouldn't even go near the house, give him time. Dare I say that swear word - Patience 
Above all don't rise to his bait. If he calls you names then walk away or quietly say to him I will not be spoken to like that.
I'm only asking you to give this a week. See what changes he makes within the week. Once he starts getting closer to you or acting more curious then enjoy it but keep your distance for a bit and see how things progress. Until you are sure that you know what he wants then is the time to start becoming the loving wife again.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> How's everyone doing today?


Hey Catch, I wondered where everyone was myself! I'm busy preparing for my son to go on a week's residential. I bought a holdall for him yesterday and going to be packing this weekend. Remember I told you that my H wondered what I was going to be doing with myself all week? Well so far I've got Tues and Weds nights free and Monday morning which is when my son goes on his trip, lol.
I'm finding 180 hard, I keep slipping off the rails. I contacted H twice this week about something not related to my son. Both times he didn't answer his phone because he was working and leaves his phone in the car. I've made a bit of progress though, I used to ring and text him a few times and got frustrated with him. This time I rang and left a text to let him know what I wanted and that was it. He rang me back both times.
He came to take my son out for an hour on Weds. He asked me to make my son up a packed lunch and said that he was going to get something to eat from the shop. Another slip up, I offered to make him lunch and he accepted. Well he was hinting and I can't let him get a pre packed sandwich from the shops! I'm just too kind hearted 
I've not been in touch with him since Weds and I'm out all day again today. Now it's the holidays and hot weather, I'm putting on a bit of weight through lack of exercise  Only a couple of pounds though, but I want to try and keep it off. I'm off to the gym soon when I get round to sorting it out 
Speak to you guys soon, have a good day


----------



## catch22gofigure

I totally feel where you are coming from Nemo. It's so many factors that come into play with the H's. I justdl don't get it myself. 
Justv when you think you have it figured out, they switch all the way up. 
I do think that you have to remember patience. The R transition itself can be just as challenging in getting to the point of an R. This too should be a slow deliberately maneuvered process. Just because you dont see him packing things and making space for the move home. Doesn't mean its not taking him a while to pack up somethings and make headspace for it all. That's easier said than for my heart to believe too...but my brain knows it to be true. 
I've written countless posts on here that do that too. I dont know what causes it to do that.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I didn't even know that month to month still existed. Around here they try to lock you in for as long as they can so they can make some money off of you in case you need to get out of the lease early.
> 
> So, what's brewing in your mind as far as dealing with situation?


Yeah its pretty common around here.
I honestly have no idea at this point. We're just at a stand still . Not bad, certainly not good...just where we are right now.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I have something similar to this...only it's written out using words.
> 
> My imagination scenario has to do with taking a journey in a car. I decided who I wanted to come along with me and I had to decide what the destination is. I chose to bring my husband and my daughter and my destination is the place in time where my husband returns home and we move past all of this old stuff.
> 
> I am not sure it helps or not. Only once that I can recall have I really been able to look at this scenario and readjust my thought pattern.
> 
> I think I should have chosen to take a train instead because I have been riding the crazy train for some time now.


You and me both...smh


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> This sucks that you had to go through that and to know nothing will be done about it sucks even worse. Some people just don't know what morals and self respect are. I feel sad for them. Even sadder for you that you are out of job now, but something will come around for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts an prayers.


Yeah, it's just sickening. Just got another job yesterday though. Should start Sept 1st! !!


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I totally feel where you are coming from Nemo. It's so many factors that come into play with the H's. I justdl don't get it myself.
> Justv when you think you have it figured out, they switch all the way up.
> I do think that you have to remember patience. The R transition itself can be just as challenging in getting to the point of an R. This too should be a slow deliberately maneuvered process. Just because you dont see him packing things and making space for the move home. Doesn't mean its not taking him a while to pack up somethings and make headspace for it all. That's easier said than for my heart to believe too...but my brain knows it to be true.
> I've written countless posts on here that do that too. I dont know what causes it to do that.


I agree Catch, especially with patience and the R factor  Even though my H appears to be getting closer, I'm not falling into that trap again! I'll not get too close to him again until he says he wants to make another go of it. That is if and when it does happen and how long it will take him to reach this decision!


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Yeah, it's just sickening. Just got another job yesterday though. Should start Sept 1st! !!


Good news on the work front Catch  Let's hope this one is ok


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Good news on the work front Catch  Let's hope this one is ok


It is..it's the one ive worked seasonally for 4 yrs. Just not permanently. I love it there.


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## catch22gofigure

Lost , im off moderation now. That other site just moves reeaaallly slow to me.


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## NotEZ

Hey girls... don't have time to catch up tonight (parents have my girls so H and I can have the night together :smthumbup but I wanted to check in and let you know that everything is going great here.

I slipped a couple times, got upset about certain things that weren't happening... but we "talked" about them instead of my reacting to them. He listened, talked back... come to find, yeah, my assumptions about what he feels are NEVER right. This communication really works, who knew  He's made every effort to do things more the way I need them and I have done the same for him.. so far so good. Starting councilling this week too... good times.

Will try catch up with everyone tomorrow. Have a good night.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Hey girls... don't have time to catch up tonight (parents have my girls so H and I can have the night together :smthumbup but I wanted to check in and let you know that everything is going great here.
> 
> I slipped a couple times, got upset about certain things that weren't happening... but we "talked" about them instead of my reacting to them. He listened, talked back... come to find, yeah, my assumptions about what he feels are NEVER right. This communication really works, who knew  He's made every effort to do things more the way I need them and I have done the same for him.. so far so good. Starting councilling this week too... good times.
> 
> Will try catch up with everyone tomorrow. Have a good night.


 Yaaay !!! Music to my ears :yay:Nevermind us , handle ya bizness' and y'all have fun !! Update us later...i would really love to hear some of that insight he has from the other side of things. I'm still too chicken to talk about things with my H. I've kinda just said ...to heck with it ,just going with the flow of what's become my norm until better days appear. So it cheers my soul that we got a success story on our hands with you guys :smthumbup:


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Hi Nemo, If I was in your situation then for at least a week I wouldn't worry about what he's thinking, what he's up to, etc. It's making you ill! Concentrate on yourself and being the best that you can be. He's confused right now and he's making you confused. I urge you to try this because I don't want your health to suffer.
> I know you probably think it's too late to do a 180, but it's only for a week. Let him contact you for a change and let him do all the chasing. Just accept him for what he is at the moment, if he wants to stay outside in his car then let him! Remember babysteps! At one point he wouldn't even go near the house, give him time. Dare I say that swear word - Patience
> Above all don't rise to his bait. If he calls you names then walk away or quietly say to him I will not be spoken to like that.
> I'm only asking you to give this a week. See what changes he makes within the week. Once he starts getting closer to you or acting more curious then enjoy it but keep your distance for a bit and see how things progress. Until you are sure that you know what he wants then is the time to start becoming the loving wife again.



Tonight is finally some me time. :smthumbup: I worked all week at one job and then had to work today for the second job. All of my reports are in, payroll is submitted, dinner and dishes are done, laundry is all put away and I can finally take off my shoes and say --- AHHHH!  I don't work for anyone tomorrow so this girl is taking a day to sit and do absolutely nothing. My daughter is home with me so I won't be alone, but she is old enough to do things for herself so I can just do nothing for a change. 

I wasn't sure the 180 would help or not. But, I am going to do just that. If nothing else it's going to help me to be more prepared for the worst of the scenarios. If it turns out better, then great, but at least I will be some what prepared. 

I am not sure what to make of things right now so I am just trying to make it day by day. My daughter went to the movies with her dad last night and so far today I have heard dad is really, really lonely several times and she has told me various things that were said about me -- all mostly positive thankfully. 

A negative that he doesn't like about me is that I live inside of my head -- meaning I worry about too many what ifs and I tend to make things larger than they really are because of this. And my reply to him if I could say something to him would be that if he would talk to me and tell me what's going on then I wouldn't have to live inside of my head and wonder what if. 

I thought the same thing about the car. At least he is able to make it to the drive way now. That is a HUGE milestone. My daughter and I do not ask him to come to the house. We give him to option to go to the store where we were meeting before or else we say something like -- you can drop me off at the mailbox and I will walk from there. It's about a block from our house so it's not very far at all to walk. But, I think giving him the option to do it on his own is helping. 

I am going to do my very best to be kind and gentle to my friend patience although she is not a very nice lady at times.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Yaaay !!! Music to my ears :yay:Nevermind us , handle ya bizness' and y'all have fun !! Update us later...i would really love to hear some of that insight he has from the other side of things. I'm still too chicken to talk about things with my H. I've kinda just said ...to heck with it ,just going with the flow of what's become my norm until better days appear. So it cheers my soul that we got a success story on our hands with you guys :smthumbup:



:iagree: What a way to end the week -- I am sooo happy for you guys.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> It is..it's the one ive worked seasonally for 4 yrs. Just not permanently. I love it there.




This is good news. I wish it were more permanent for you, though.


----------



## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Hey Catch, I wondered where everyone was myself! I'm busy preparing for my son to go on a week's residential. I bought a holdall for him yesterday and going to be packing this weekend. Remember I told you that my H wondered what I was going to be doing with myself all week? Well so far I've got Tues and Weds nights free and Monday morning which is when my son goes on his trip, lol.
> I'm finding 180 hard, I keep slipping off the rails. I contacted H twice this week about something not related to my son. Both times he didn't answer his phone because he was working and leaves his phone in the car. I've made a bit of progress though, I used to ring and text him a few times and got frustrated with him. This time I rang and left a text to let him know what I wanted and that was it. He rang me back both times.
> He came to take my son out for an hour on Weds. He asked me to make my son up a packed lunch and said that he was going to get something to eat from the shop. Another slip up, I offered to make him lunch and he accepted. Well he was hinting and I can't let him get a pre packed sandwich from the shops! I'm just too kind hearted
> I've not been in touch with him since Weds and I'm out all day again today. Now it's the holidays and hot weather, I'm putting on a bit of weight through lack of exercise  Only a couple of pounds though, but I want to try and keep it off. I'm off to the gym soon when I get round to sorting it out
> Speak to you guys soon, have a good day



I don't think you slipped up by making him a lunch. You were already going to be making a lunch so it's not like you had to go out of your way or do anything special just to make sure he had a lunch. If you are feeling a bit guilty about it, think about it as a deposit into your son's love bank. You made it possible for him to go off and enjoy the time with his dad without having to run around looking for food first. I would have done the same thing -- either that or even if he didn't hint or even ask, I would have added extra stuff in with the first lunch in order to make sure there was plenty of food for them both to eat. I think you are a lot like me in regard to food from home versus food from the shops. I think you did good. :smthumbup:


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I don't think you slipped up by making him a lunch. You were already going to be making a lunch so it's not like you had to go out of your way or do anything special just to make sure he had a lunch. If you are feeling a bit guilty about it, think about it as a deposit into your son's love bank. You made it possible for him to go off and enjoy the time with his dad without having to run around looking for food first. I would have done the same thing -- either that or even if he didn't hint or even ask, I would have added extra stuff in with the first lunch in order to make sure there was plenty of food for them both to eat. I think you are a lot like me in regard to food from home versus food from the shops. I think you did good. :smthumbup:


When I referred to the hinting, I was talking about my H and not my son. My H had already asked me to make my son up a packed lunch and then my H hinted that he would have to get one from the store. I said to H that I would make him a lunch and he accepted. I did put in lots of little extras as well


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Lost , im off moderation now. That other site just moves reeaaallly slow to me.


Yeah! Glad you're off moderation on there. It can be slow at times, it depends where you post to  I've found a few threads where there's a lot of traffic about. What's your nickname on there? Mine is trying to do 180


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## lostwithouthim

NotEZ said:


> Hey girls... don't have time to catch up tonight (parents have my girls so H and I can have the night together :smthumbup but I wanted to check in and let you know that everything is going great here.
> 
> I slipped a couple times, got upset about certain things that weren't happening... but we "talked" about them instead of my reacting to them. He listened, talked back... come to find, yeah, my assumptions about what he feels are NEVER right. This communication really works, who knew  He's made every effort to do things more the way I need them and I have done the same for him.. so far so good. Starting councilling this week too... good times.
> 
> Will try catch up with everyone tomorrow. Have a good night.


Glad to hear everything is ok on the home front  Don't beat yourself up about slipping up, it just shows you're human


----------



## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> I am going to do my very best to be kind and gentle to my friend patience although she is not a very nice lady at times.


I know what you mean, lol  She kills me at times!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Yeah! Glad you're off moderation on there. It can be slow at times, it depends where you post to  I've found a few threads where there's a lot of traffic about. What's your nickname on there? Mine is trying to do 180


LimboLove


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## catch22gofigure

Well,
Big decision to make. Got a letter yesterday saying that I was approved for the apartment in another city. He says he's happy for me. I don't know how to go about this though. He , since learning about the approval. Has started with the baby this and baby that again. He's at work now which has given me a little time to think about it. But it's actually about to happen you all, I'm actually about to move on. He mentioned it's close enough to his job that he will stay over some nights. I find that a bit arrogant being that I didn't extend the invite (not that I wouldn't, but umm as of yet i have not) 
Yeah im over analyzing again...but umm isn't that a bit of arrogance on his part ? He can't tell me that he wants to work on this marriage or anything else;but he can automatically assume Mi'Casa E Su Casa ?? ..hmmm someone please help me sort out this crazy mess I have going on...


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## lostwithouthim

I agree Catch, it was a bit presumptuous of him to just assume that he is welcome in your new place. If he won't move into your old home, can't he move into your new home? Why don't you mention this to him or don't you want to live together permanently now?
I suppose now you've got used to having your own space, I know I have  Don't get me wrong, I still want H back though eventually.


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## lostwithouthim

Well I've had a bit of a crazy day today! I went to Church this morning and arranged to go out with a friend for some lunch. My H came to Church after the service to have a coffee and pick up my son to take him swimming. He said he wasn't going to take my son to mcdonalds today as money was a bit tight, but I told him I'm off out to lunch. Then my friend said that as we had a leaving service this afternoon, I could go back to hers and my H could drop my son off at hers. 
So I've totally ruined H's plans. He was going to drop my son off after swimming and then stay for a coffee at mine as normal. This wasn't going to happen now!
Anyway I didn't hear my phone ring and I walked out of the pub just as a text message came through. It was from H and he said as no-one is answering their phones, I'm dropping my son off at your house. I rang him back and said we're on our way. I had to keep calm as H had the right hump!
When we came back, H seemed to have cheered up, we exchanged pleasantries and he went on his way. The text message has really got to me though and I feel quite sad about it, but I don't know why! Guess I'm on the fairground again! Like your H Catch, mine is starting to be presumptuous as well thinking that he can just have the same routine every Sunday, but I've got a life as well and I'm not going to wait in for them to come back!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree Catch, it was a bit presumptuous of him to just assume that he is welcome in your new place. If he won't move into your old home, can't he move into your new home? Why don't you mention this to him or don't you want to live together permanently now?
> I suppose now you've got used to having your own space, I know I have  Don't get me wrong, I still want H back though eventually.


Remember Lost, i haven't been able to get the chance to enjoy my own space. My H is always around. If not me at his place, I'm at his. This would. be the o opportunity for that. I still want himback. too...but remember a change in dynamic


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## catch22gofigure

Ok i've been quite short with the H today..his charade is giving me fits. I think im PMS'ing:scratchhead: Anywho...So since I let him know about the apt. The hovering has intensified. Now remember earlier, I was saying that he was now at work. He called me on his break and on his lunch. Im still at his apt. I told him I think it best I go home and give us both a lil space for a couple of days. Well , next thing I know he's left work and is now here !! He told a lie and left from work early and is laughing and playing with me as if we're teens. This man is losing his marbles I think...lol Just had to vent and let someone else is on the train ride madness...

Oh he also says that he's gained far too much weight. (Jokingly. .this is a defense mechanism he does. ..giggle n talk ) He blames me for the weight gain. He said, you cooking those down home meals that I can't resist...I'm thinking really dude? ? I laughed with him...but why can i not find this funny ? I mean I do...but I still hear blame blame blame? ! Im saying that to ask this... Am I wrong for hearing blame ? Or should I only here someone who is trying to explain their flaws to me ? He also says his Mr. Is shrinking because of the weight gain...and he's not happy about that (sorry. ..just being honest for some honest answers ) I guess thats to explain the intimacy issue that he knowwwwsss is a biggie for me.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok i've been quite short with the H today..his charade is giving me fits. I think im PMS'ing:scratchhead: Anywho...So since I let him know about the apt. The hovering has intensified. Now remember earlier, I was saying that he was now at work. He called me on his break and on his lunch. Im still at his apt. I told him I think it best I go home and give us both a lil space for a couple of days. Well , next thing I know he's left work and is now here !! He told a lie and left from work early and is laughing and playing with me as if we're teens. This man is losing his marbles I think...lol Just had to vent and let someone else is on the train ride madness...
> 
> Oh he also says that he's gained far too much weight. (Jokingly. .this is a defense mechanism he does. ..giggle n talk ) He blames me for the weight gain. He said, you cooking those down home meals that I can't resist...I'm thinking really dude? ? I laughed with him...but why can i not find this funny ? I mean I do...but I still hear blame blame blame? ! Im saying that to ask this... Am I wrong for hearing blame ? Or should I only here someone who is trying to explain their flaws to me ? He also says his Mr. Is shrinking because of the weight gain...and he's not happy about that (sorry. ..just being honest for some honest answers ) I guess thats to explain the intimacy issue that he knowwwwsss is a biggie for me.



Wouldn't think anything of the weight/cooking, l use to joke about that with mine all the time , then again - we split didn't we - WORRY ! Nah only kidden.
l actually mean it as a compliment with mine because she can cook l can't .

Well Catch , l can officially admit it - H is one strange dude.
He does love you though that's why he raced home and does all his other stuff.
Even all the take away , he wanted to give you all a fun time that's all, to hell with money .


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## whitehawk

I was talking to x yesterday about our D , and X says , well the fact the you and l are still "best friends"- helps her a hell of a lot too.
We are ??? , so that's what we're suppose to be now then eh , together 18yrs , married 12 , now best friends , what a deal !

Might be time l backed away further, you think ?

PS , gotto admit it, l'm at serious cross roads myself, best friends, wtf !


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> I was talking to x yesterday about our D , and X says , well the fact the you and l are still "best friends"- helps her a hell of a lot too.
> We are ??? , so that's what we're suppose to be now then eh , together 18yrs , married 12 , now best friends , what a deal !
> 
> Might be time l backed away further, you think ?
> 
> PS , gotto admit it, l'm at serious cross roads myself, best friends, wtf !


Oh yes, the best friend line, we've all had that one! I do think you should do some 180s on her. Believe it or not it works, they contact you more even though you wouldn't think so. Also look at this link - Sandi2's 37 Rules - DivorceBusting.com
These rules are really good and has some positive steps to do  I'm trying to do most of them with my H, some I'm finding difficult but I'll keep working at it!


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Wouldn't think anything of the weight/cooking, l use to joke about that with mine all the time , then again - we split didn't we - WORRY ! Nah only kidden.
> l actually mean it as a compliment with mine because she can cook l can't .
> 
> Well Catch , l can officially admit it - H is one strange dude.
> He does love you though that's why he raced home and does all his other stuff.
> Even all the take away , he wanted to give you all a fun time that's all, to hell with money .


Yes. He is one strange dude alright. I just find it odd that since now that its pretty much a definite that im moving to another city that the compliments are coming more, the baby this and that's have increased, subtle explanation for some things emerging all in one day. Well the fence he's been sitting on ks about to get snatched right from under him. I give my reply to the approval of my new place in less than three hours. I guess it's all or nothing now. Oh and this man does not leave work kr miss making money for nothing. He did last night though, just didn't want me to go home ...smh
Oh and at this time of the calendar, theres no fun time for us...if you catch my drift


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> I was talking to x yesterday about our D , and X says , well the fact the you and l are still "best friends"- helps her a hell of a lot too.
> We are ??? , so that's what we're suppose to be now then eh , together 18yrs , married 12 , now best friends , what a deal !
> 
> Might be time l backed away further, you think ?
> 
> PS , gotto admit it, l'm at serious cross roads myself, best friends, wtf !


Refresh my memory, does she know that you are seeking a R from her ? She may very well think this is a good safe place for you all to be at right now. I think it wouldn't hurt if you did back away some. 180 like Lost said. You need to see if this will make her pursue contact with you outside of your D. Like Lost said it does work. I keep attempting it over and over. H is not having it. He does whatever it takes to make contact when i do try. So it won't hurt to give it a go for a while


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes. He is one strange dude alright. I just find it odd that since now that its pretty much a definite that im moving to another city that the compliments are coming more, the baby this and that's have increased, subtle explanation for some things emerging all in one day. Well the fence he's been sitting on ks about to get snatched right from under him. I give my reply to the approval of my new place in less than three hours. I guess it's all or nothing now. Oh and this man does not leave work kr miss making money for nothing. He did last night though, just didn't want me to go home ...smh
> Oh and at this time of the calendar, theres no fun time for us...if you catch my drift


Catcho , this is his version of doing whatever he can to stop you and still save a bit of face-wouldn't you say Tron.
He don't want his baby to go pure and simple , nothing strange at all in any of that except that his not actually stopping you. This is his way of trying to , seems to be a hoping to make you not wanna go method.

Geez , big move for you under the circumstances Catch , you sure ?


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Refresh my memory, does she know that you are seeking a R from her ? She may very well think this is a good safe place for you all to be at right now. I think it wouldn't hurt if you did back away some. 180 like Lost said. You need to see if this will make her pursue contact with you outside of your D. Like Lost said it does work. I keep attempting it over and over. H is not having it. He does whatever it takes to make contact when i do try. So it won't hurt to give it a go for a while



Thanks lost and Catch. Interesting what you say Catch , the safe haven thing. I wish you didn't have so much on right now , you seem to pick up sorta connected stuff with my x , can't be helped l know.

Thing is guys , I've basically lived the 180 stuff for 9mths.
What's the longest you two have stayed away , me 7-8days , then it's time for my d .
l rarely contact her , 1 or 2 quick money talk text a wk max , unavoidable right now.
She might text me or ring about something , couple of d things and times to , bout it.
ALL i could do is chop out one or two things more and l wouldn't even be talking to her. You two have spent more time in a few wks with yours than l have in 9mths.

Lost , the thing is , have you read my original thread. Mine is very specific , it wasn't just a waw. Lota hurt for her before that.
i can't send it here because I can't do dat fancy stuff 
When you get time , see if you can check it out

But in my stats , posts , Is an EA bla bla.
It's way back in about pages 7 or 8.
You'd really have to read it to get my sitch tbh because most people there always said l would have to fix this n, not her .
l dunno anymore , back flip into confusion again lately- right when l thought l was finally done to.

No she doesn't know I'm thinking R Catch , hell I don't even know 3/4 of the time. l've been hoping she w'll soften in time which finally round now she has a lot , and then maybe we could talk .
Still , done some other stuff last few times I saw her made me think she's softened yeah but no way R- dunno,


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Oh yes, the best friend line, we've all had that one! I do think you should do some 180s on her. Believe it or not it works, they contact you more even though you wouldn't think so. Also look at this link - Sandi2's 37 Rules - DivorceBusting.com
> These rules are really good and has some positive steps to do  I'm trying to do most of them with my H, some I'm finding difficult but I'll keep working at it!


Lost l couldn't find those rules in that link. What section is it actually in ?
Hey lost too , what is it something actually proven or just something some guy thinks is a good idea ?


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Catcho , this is his version of doing whatever he can to stop you and still save a bit of face-wouldn't you say Tron.
> He don't want his baby to go pure and simple , nothing strange at all in any of that except that his not actually stopping you. This is his way of trying to , seems to be a hoping to make you not wanna go method.
> 
> Geez , big move for you under the circumstances Catch , you sure ?


No , I'm not sure. It's what I feel I need ...but not 100%. I still have my homage so if things don't seem to work out, I can still always go home. It's all on him now. He has the power to stop me. Whether he does or not is up to him. Im prepared either way. What I want is a fresh start on life. What I won't do is carry some of the issues from one city with me to the new city. Kinda defeats the purpose if i allow that to happen. So we'll see.


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Lost l couldn't find those rules in that link. What section is it actually in ?
> Hey lost too , what is it something actually proven or just something some guy thinks is a good idea ?


Most people on the divorce busting board have either been doing 180 or following Sandi's rules and have found that it works. Sandi's rules is a sticky at the top of the newcomer's page. You can also have a look at the replies and the success stories to see what has worked and what hasn't.
I don't know if I've told you this or not, but someone I know suggested that when my H does file for D, then I get my lawyer to look into getting a mentor for us as go between. That way we won't communicate about the D at all, it is all done through a mentor. There may be a chance of R if it's done this way as well, especially if we can sort through some of our issues as well  
When I get a chance I'll have a look at your original story WH, so I get more of an idea about your sitch


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## catch22gofigure

I am soooo scared right now, I really think this will be the end for us you guys


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## Tron

What are you going to do with your house if you get this new place? One couple with three places to live sounds like more financial drain on an already tough financial situation.

BTW, your H is worried you are leaving him.

Have you talked about any of this with him? Have you asked him to move in with you to the new place?

Maybe you can frame this as a fresh start for both of you.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I am soooo scared right now, I really think this will be the end for us you guys


Sorry to hear that Catch  You've had a confusing time of it all, but before you jack it all in you need to have a serious talk with your H. You don't really know what he wants and maybe he doesn't really know what you want! I think it's time he needs to know a few boundaries as well, he seems to be able to come and go as he pleases and that's not good or healthy for you. I know if I was in your sitch, I'd feel the same! We've both been used to having our own space, so for the Hs to come back and invade our spaces is too much too soon!
Hope you do the right thing for you


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What are you going to do with your house if you get this new place? One couple with three places to live sounds like more financial drain on an already tough financial situation.
> 
> BTW, your H is worried you are leaving him.
> 
> Have you talked about any of this with him? Have you asked him to move in with you to the new place?
> 
> Maybe you can frame this as a fresh start for both of you.


My adult daughter will move in the home house in a couple of months. No I haven't asked him about this being a fresh start. I think ive worked up the nerve to do that tonight when he gets off.
Does he really think that you think ? Im so nervous idk what to do with myself right now.
Yes three houses is waay more than we can handle. Lord God...i think I get the hardest decisions and tasks of anyone I know...


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Sorry to hear that Catch  You've had a confusing time of it all, but before you jack it all in you need to have a serious talk with your H. You don't really know what he wants and maybe he doesn't really know what you want! I think it's time he needs to know a few boundaries as well, he seems to be able to come and go as he pleases and that's not good or healthy for you. I know if I was in your sitch, I'd feel the same! We've both been used to having our own space, so for the Hs to come back and invade our spaces is too much too soon!
> Hope you do the right thing for you


I think you missing some of my story Lost,...lol no more Valerian for you. Me and him have had no space since late Feb early March. He's either at my home or im at his. We have no social life here lately together 24/7 unless one or the other is at work or running errands. So me being used to my own space is not the case. Everytime I try to get my own space, he shows up...literally. So he doesn't come and go...he's just here...all the time without actually saying, I want us, I want to work on.us, heck is there an us....nothing.

Ok while typing this he called on break. Of course he asked what I was doing. I said thinking. He said about what ? I stated about my move. I let him know that though im excited, I'm a little scared. He goes into well you've been with me for so long that it's ok to be scared. I then said well you know I'm very independent, so that part is not scary to me. Just new experiences with the whole setup of a new city. He says ,well act like it at least dang.... i softened it over and said ok,i'm scared. His break was over and he had to go...but now idk how to warm this convo bk up for when he gets off. Am i heading in the right direction yoy guys ? Lord I pray my friends are online tonight to help my big baby self through this one....:scratchhead:


----------



## Tron

"I'm really hoping you can come with me and we can stop this musical chair life we got goin"

And if the sweet Catch can't get it done, fall back to the pragmatic Catch.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> "I'm really hoping you can come with me and we can stop this musical chair life we got goin"
> 
> And if the sweet Catch can't get it done, fall back to the pragmatic Catch.


Ok..imma give it a go the new sweet catch is prepared. Idk what the heck pragmatic mean (about to Google it...lol ) but I got a feeling . I just hope the old Catch don't show up if she don't hear what she wants to. Brb...going to google pragmatic. ..lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok... now I know what pragmatic means...lol imma go belly up , all or nothing, either tonight or first thing in the a.m. depending on his level of exhaust when he gets off. Why am I so nervous? ?!!! Uggggggg !!


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok..imma give it a go the new sweet catch is prepared. Idk what the heck pragmatic mean (about to Google it...lol ) but I got a feeling . I just hope the old Catch don't show up if she don't hear what she wants to. Brb...going to google pragmatic. ..lol


It is time. 

If you don't get an answer right away. STAY CALM. Don't react. 

Remember that he may waffle and need to come to this realization himself, so that it was 'his idea', if you know what I mean. And that may take a little time.

If he outright says no...which is not likely BTW, then "I am really, really sorry to hear that" and go take a shower or something.

And like I said earlier, he may take some time to come around to the idea.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> It is time.
> 
> If you don't get an answer right away. STAY CALM. Don't react.
> 
> Remember that he may waffle and need to come to this realization himself, so that it was 'his idea', if you know what I mean. And that may take a little time.
> 
> If he outright says no...which is not likely BTW, then "I am really, really sorry to hear that" and go take a shower or something.
> 
> And like I said earlier, he make take some time to come around to the idea.


Ok. And I agree it is time. This is something I have to do. No way around it. It was almost like he wanted me to tell him that I was scared to do this without him (which im not ) i just don't want to. He actually works in this city already, so it may work in my favor. My fear is what I heard before "Im done"...that's my fear is to hear it again.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Thanks Tron, you don't know how much this advice means to me. I wanted to PM you earlier, just didn't want to be a bother.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok. And I agree it is time. This is something I have to do. No way around it..


We talked a few days ago about changing tactics. The opportunity just presented itself.



catch22gofigure said:


> It was almost like he wanted me to tell him that I was scared to do this without him (which im not ) i just don't want to. He actually works in this city already, so it may work in my favor.


If your gut is telling you this, then roll with it. I think you are right.



catch22gofigure said:


> My fear is what I heard before "Im done"...that's my fear is to hear it again.


Conquer that fear. 

Put it out there and see what happens.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> We talked a few days ago about changing tactics. The opportunity just presented itself.
> 
> 
> 
> If your gut is telling you this, then roll with it. I think you are right.
> 
> 
> 
> Conquer that fear.
> 
> Put it out there and see what happens.


You're absolutely right. The time is drawing nearer and nearer he'll be off work in about an hour. I'm gonna let him get showered and relaxed...then ill get the convo going. Im purposefully not going to shower until after we talk. That way if things don't go the way I like. I can go off to shower like you suggested. This is the first time in my life that Ive ever been afraid to speak. I've spoken to crowds with hundreds of people in the audience and didn't even flinch. So this is truly different playing ground for me. I guess I now know how he feels when it comes to speaking on matters of the heart. Tonight is the night ..i'll post my results as soon as I can. Again Tron, thanks for everything


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> You're absolutely right. The time is drawing nearer and nearer he'll be off work in about an hour. I'm gonna let him get showered and relaxed...then ill get the convo going. Im purposefully not going to shower until after we talk. That way if things don't go the way I like. I can go off to shower like you suggested. This is the first time in my life that Ive ever been afraid to speak. I've spoken to crowds with hundreds of people in the audience and didn't even flinch. So this is truly different playing ground for me. I guess I now know how he feels when it comes to speaking on matters of the heart. Tonight is the night ..i'll post my results as soon as I can. Again Tron, thanks for everything




I have been trying to wrap up my day as quickly as I could so that I could write to wish you luck. Since your time zone is ahead of mine, I figure you are having the conversation as I type this out. I am saying a prayer for you. I really do hope this is the conversation that breaks through all the madness that gets you off of the crazy train -- and brings about the positive results you are trying to achieve. Big (( HUGS)) for you.


----------



## lostwithouthim

Just wanted to add that I wish you luck as well. This convo is well overdue and I'm glad you've decided to do it  Keep us posted and once again good luck


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ugggggggghhhhh !!! Lemme get that out the way first. 


Well last night I was not able to get out all I wanted. He was agitated after work so I found it best to wait til this morning to say what needs to be said. I also had my walk through with the property manager to see if this is a acceptable location and discuss rates as this apartment is subsidized housing. Well I got a bomb dropped on me after the walk through. Due to the amount of unemployment I receive my rent will be 78 dollars more than my mortgage. I won't be able to afford to move there !!! I'm crushed !!!! When i got bk home I was in tears. H tried to console me by saying that maybe this was not meant to be for me. I told him that this would have been perfect for me. He says you know you always have a home here with me. Not what I wanted to hear but it opened the door for me to say, how is that. This apt is not my home , my home. ..built for me is my home. I dont even want to stay there. Im ready for new opportunity that I feel awaits me elsewhere...he stopped me and said...you're stressed out enough. Let's just let it rest and we'll talk more about it later when emotions aren't so high. He said your big break is coming let's just wait on that for now. Soon everything will fall into place and be ok. 

I let it go and guess will try to resume this talk with him when he gets off tonight. Im too hurt about the apartment. ..i just knew this was gonna all work in my favor after I got an approval. So very disappointing day for me you all...absolutely nothing accomplished at all


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I have been trying to wrap up my day as quickly as I could so that I could write to wish you luck. Since your time zone is ahead of mine, I figure you are having the conversation as I type this out. I am saying a prayer for you. I really do hope this is the conversation that breaks through all the madness that gets you off of the crazy train -- and brings about the positive results you are trying to achieve. Big (( HUGS)) for you.


Thanks, but looks like I have to ride for a few more hours it seems


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Just wanted to add that I wish you luck as well. This convo is well overdue and I'm glad you've decided to do it  Keep us posted and once again good luck


Thanks Lost...guess i have to revamp my plans for now. I'm so close but yet so far. I'm sooooo disappointed right now


----------



## lostwithouthim

Hope the talk goes well tomorrow morning  I guess I've got a long wait to hear your news as I'm 5 hours in front of you, lol. Sounds positive what he said so far though 
Sorry to hear about your new place, but maybe God just didn't want you to have it. I've heard about people saying thank goodness I didn't get that place because such and such happened. God is looking out for you


----------



## lostwithouthim

Well my update. I've already got my 2x4 out and I'm hitting myself with it! lol. We had a flash flood this morning and the rain was coming through the conservatory. We've not had any money to fix the roof, so my H said if it ever leaks badly in the conservatory then to let him know.
I rang him up and he answered the phone and said hello. I said hello how are you and there was silence on the other end. I kept saying hello and then the phone went dead. I thought that it was a bad signal so I tried again and again and again. Eventually I gave up!
I rang him later, still no answer! I do know if he's working he leaves his phone in the car. He never purposely ignores me. I sent him a text to say phone me when you're free as the rain has got into the conservatory. Still no answer. Someone left a message on the phone for him, so I rang him again later, still no answer so I sent him another text! He'll probably phone me back about 11pm tonight like he normally does! He's really wound me up and I'm thoroughly p'd off!
All I can say is thank goodness it wasn't a real emergency!
Anyway, this is why I don't ring him. Not only that I'm 180ing on him, but he never answers his phone anyway so what's the point!
I'm hitting myself with this 2x4 now because I was getting stressed about it when I should've just left it! Thank goodness the rain's stopped now!


----------



## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> I'm hitting myself with this 2x4 now because I was getting stressed about it when I should've just left it! Thank goodness the rain's stopped now!


Going to line up some more 2x4's for you, just in case you miss a spot.


----------



## Tron

Well Catch. Mick Jagger said you can't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get what you need. 



catch22gofigure said:


> He says you know you always have a home here with me. Not what I wanted to hear but it opened the door for me to say, how is that. This apt is not my home , my home. ..built for me is my home. I dont even want to stay there. Im ready for new opportunity that I feel awaits me elsewhere...he stopped me and said...you're stressed out enough. Let's just let it rest and we'll talk more about it later when emotions aren't so high. He said your big break is coming let's just wait on that for now. Soon everything will fall into place and be ok.


If you put your H's thoughts and ideas about the M on a spectrum "I'm done" is so far on the opposite side of this, that if you ever had any doubts about your H's feelings, you should put them to rest. 



catch22gofigure said:


> I let it go and guess will try to resume this talk with him when he gets off tonight. Im too hurt about the apartment. ..i just knew this was gonna all work in my favor after I got an approval. So very disappointing day for me you all...absolutely nothing accomplished at all


I disagree. 

The question for him now is "What I am hearing from you is that we are back to being a couple and you aren't "done". So, my husband, what then are we gonna do to get our money situation in order? Two places is a huge unnecessary drain on our finances. We can do better for ourselves and our kids. What do you propose?"


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Hope the talk goes well tomorrow morning  I guess I've got a long wait to hear your news as I'm 5 hours in front of you, lol. Sounds positive what he said so far though
> Sorry to hear about your new place, but maybe God just didn't want you to have it. I've heard about people saying thank goodness I didn't get that place because such and such happened. God is looking out for you


Yeah, i know that to be true as well. Disappointing all the same though. If only i could fully express how ready I am for a fresh start


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Well Catch. Mick Jagger said you can't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get what you need.
> 
> 
> 
> If you put your H's thoughts and ideas about the M on a spectrum "I'm done" is so far on the opposite side of this, that if you ever had any doubts about your H's feelings, you should put them to rest.
> 
> 
> 
> I disagree.
> 
> The question for him now is "What I am hearing from you is that we are back to being a couple and you aren't "done". So, my husband, what then are we gonna do to get our money situation in order? Two places is a huge unnecessary drain on our finances. We can do better for ourselves and our kids. What do you propose?"



I will use this most definitely. I didn't really think he cared as much as he did today. I could see the hurt in his eyes when he saw my hurt. So im gonna come full circle with it all. The finances are kicking both our butts and we're being silly continuing this way. His pride and mine and my fears are keeping us on this train and I'm officially tired of it all. Time to face it head on


----------



## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> Going to line up some more 2x4's for you, just in case you miss a spot.


Lol Tron
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Most people on the divorce busting board have either been doing 180 or following Sandi's rules and have found that it works. Sandi's rules is a sticky at the top of the newcomer's page. You can also have a look at the replies and the success stories to see what has worked and what hasn't.
> I don't know if I've told you this or not, but someone I know suggested that when my H does file for D, then I get my lawyer to look into getting a mentor for us as go between. That way we won't communicate about the D at all, it is all done through a mentor. There may be a chance of R if it's done this way as well, especially if we can sort through some of our issues as well
> When I get a chance I'll have a look at your original story WH, so I get more of an idea about your sitch



Thank lost , read it. Just seems like some chick that's added her own twist to a 180 to me.
Stll don't have much faith in a 180 for R. Some may come running yeah but most need a bit more l reckon.
l always think of a 180 as in what an x gf acted like when l left it.
She basically acted 180 but that was the last thin g l wanted if l was gonna go back . l wanted her to tell me and show me what l needed from her , if she did l would have gone back. But her acting like that told me ok , she doesn't give a fying f l'm outa here for good. It made it easier infact.
Doesn't seem to do a thing to my x now either. like it seems to depend on them realizing what they've left but l reckon it's a risky game because most will need a lot more than just that but you can't do it because your 180ing.
Makes no difference to mine , actually makes her more distant just ike my gf did back then to me.
If we're gonna be close at all we get far far closer and she's thinking much more when we're in touch the most. But l'm never sure just in what way that is for her.
l dunno if l even want R anymore anyway now cept for my d , right now anyway.
Just mmy food for thought lost , not saying it for your situation so much .

lt is very healthy for us to get on with our end of things , not saying that , just have doubts about it's R side for most.


----------



## lostwithouthim

WH, the success stories do show that 180s do work. Each to their own though  Basically a 180 is doing the opposite of what you've done before, so basically if you've begged and pleaded for her to come back then stay away and let her miss you.
It's different from having a g/f IMO. A g/f or a b/r you can easily walk away from as there's no family involved. This does just affect us, it affects our sons and daughters as well and there's D involved as well and all the nasty stuff that goes with it!
I get like that sometimes about giving up with R, I think perhaps I'm best just moving on, but then I think of us as a family again or when I see him I think I don't want to lose him!


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> WH, the success stories do show that 180s do work. Each to their own though
> 
> Lost I read 7 pages and couldn't find one success story . It was all just people saying how much they liked the list.
> Some talked about how it turned them around and helped them to deal with things and help themselves but l couldn't actually find any real actual R stories , maybe I missed them!
> 
> But yeah ha effect, tell me about it . The GF we were living together, engaged, it was a full on , we had property and the lot.
> But of course a long marriage and kids , 3x heavier again, l'm living it , not nice.
> 
> See to yeah l know there are 180 success stories but where are the rest, we don't know. Of course the successes are gonna write.
> l'm not saying it's not the right thing for some , l think it is.
> Say a WA was a grass is greener type , an affair or mlc'ing , l reckon it suits that and if they are gonna wake up 180 could do it.
> There was a lot more to mine though and a bit like that gf for me, if X was going to turn there'd be things she'd need to see , be convinced of , talk about but they couldn't happen 180ing, dunno.
> All I'm saying is I don't think it's for everyone and could back fire with some like it did with that gf for me.
> 
> See my X now as I've said , I've pretty well lived 180 from day 1 . There's has been more contact for my d, all our money and property crap but still , basically a strong 180 life from the day she moved out - but 9mths and we're no where ! It makes no difference in my case . Maybe nothing will , don't know.
> But if I did want R , 9 mths for God sake , think I'm gonna need a different strategy.
> 
> How longs it been for you again lost ? with you yeah I can see he makes a bit more effort now but l can't read much into that sorry. He actually seems to be moving further away and getting on with his life more to me .
> l know it's helping you a lot l can see but it also looks like it's helping him forget you easier and move on.
> l reckon your on the right track with all the d stuff you've just been saying though, why hand it to him on a silver platter ? You can see reading other stories , a lot of people cut of their nose to spite their face by the pushing divorce through too quickly idea !
> 
> Anyway , just thoughts.


----------



## whitehawk

Anyway , wonder how Catch is going , poor thing .
Hope you guys get to ALL the nitty gritty first Catch , before you do anything.
Hey get him a bit drunk , then he'll talk. Get yourself a bit drunk to actually and you'll relax more . :smthumbup:

Good luck


----------



## whitehawk

Anyway lost , l think once again , just like that gf for me , l'm moving away from her a lot more again.
l feel like there's no point . If she's 180ing me which I think she's been doing since day one - with lots of breaKS and back steps like the rest of us but still 180ing , it's had the same effect on me.
l feel like moving on again now , living again, meeting someone else , to hell with her and all of this bring you down BS , really had an absolute gut full of all of it.

Hey , she'll probably come knocking now, doubt it !


----------



## catch22gofigure

Well you guys ,I get a A for effort. I said to H this morning , ya know seems like to me we've been making a great team over the last few months. He said yeah you know you my baby. So then I said yep and you mine. We're a pretty good couple even. Then I said so you think its about time we put our heads and everything else together and get back in the same house. If we been doing ok separate . I think financially we'll be able to get where we need to be. He then said, there you go baby lets not go there right now. 

Of course I now feel like a** !! My heart was in my toes, i wanted to cry..but I just said My baddd...shook my head and stared into the tv ,but had not a clue what was going on in it. This has just been a sucky day. He kept on with the rubbing and touching which i know should be a good thing. But I just was not interested. After heleft for work,i came home. This time I'm remaining here.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Anyway , wonder how Catch is going , poor thing .
> Hope you guys get to ALL the nitty gritty first Catch , before you do anything.
> Hey get him a bit drunk , then he'll talk. Get yourself a bit drunk to actually and you'll relax more . :smthumbup:
> 
> Good luck


That's what I should have done. Not for me though, I know I would have gotten far too emotional. .


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> lostwithouthim said:
> 
> 
> 
> WH, the success stories do show that 180s do work. Each to their own though
> 
> Lost I read 7 pages and couldn't find one success story . It was all just people saying how much they liked the list.
> Some talked about how it turned them around and helped them to deal with things and help themselves but l couldn't actually find any real actual R stories , maybe I missed them!
> How longs it been for you again lost ? with you yeah I can see he makes a bit more effort now but l can't read much into that sorry. He actually seems to be moving further away and getting on with his life more to me .
> l know it's helping you a lot l can see but it also looks like it's helping him forget you easier and move on.
> l reckon your on the right track with all the d stuff you've just been saying though, why hand it to him on a silver platter ? You can see reading other stories , a lot of people cut of their nose to spite their face by the pushing divorce through too quickly idea !
> 
> Anyway , just thoughts.
> 
> 
> 
> The success stories are in another thread in the forums, not on Sandi's thread.
> I'm confused - one minute you're saying that he's making more effort and in the next sentence you say he's withdrawing?? I need to tweak this 180 I'm doing on him, no contact from me today that's for sure! I'm so mad at him at the mo!!
Click to expand...


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Anyway lost , l think once again , just like that gf for me , l'm moving away from her a lot more again.
> l feel like there's no point . If she's 180ing me which I think she's been doing since day one - with lots of breaKS and back steps like the rest of us but still 180ing , it's had the same effect on me.
> l feel like moving on again now , living again, meeting someone else , to hell with her and all of this bring you down BS , really had an absolute gut full of all of it.
> 
> Hey , she'll probably come knocking now, doubt it !


She probably will come knocking now, you're right! They always do when you start to lose interest.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well you guys ,I get a A for effort. I said to H this morning , ya know seems like to me we've been making a great team over the last few months. He said yeah you know you my baby. So then I said yep and you mine. We're a pretty good couple even. Then I said so you think its about time we put our heads and everything else together and get back in the same house. If we been doing ok separate . I think financially we'll be able to get where we need to be. He then said, there you go baby lets not go there right now.
> 
> Of course I now feel like a** !! My heart was in my toes, i wanted to cry..but I just said My baddd...shook my head and stared into the tv ,but had not a clue what was going on in it. This has just been a sucky day. He kept on with the rubbing and touching which i know should be a good thing. But I just was not interested. After heleft for work,i came home. This time I'm remaining here.


I didn't expect that reaction from him Catch  I don't blame you going home and staying there. If I was in your shoes, when he next contacts you again, tell him you don't want to be in limbo land. Give him an ultimatum, it's all or nothing! He can't follow you around like a lost puppy dog and then say that to you. That's not right!
At least though you know where you're going with this now and you know what he feels. Well done you for stepping up to the mark and having that convo 
Give him and you space for the time being, Ignore his calls and only talk to him when it's to do with the kids. You need a bit of space to get your head around this and he needs a bit of space to think things through and decide what he really wants!


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Oh yes, the best friend line, we've all had that one! I do think you should do some 180s on her. Believe it or not it works, they contact you more even though you wouldn't think so. Also look at this link - Sandi2's 37 Rules - DivorceBusting.com
> These rules are really good and has some positive steps to do  I'm trying to do most of them with my H, some I'm finding difficult but I'll keep working at it!



Talking all tyhis 180 stuff lost and reading back to here , l honestly could not 180 more than l have been , that's the problem now. Thre's no where else for me to go , l thin k she's done ! Nothing matters to her on us !

I had to text her today about the money and bills , very close to losing everything because of all this , can't cope alone itwas a 2 wage plane fpo r the next 2 yrs.

She text back and said you've done so well , you've come so far - wtf ?
What's she my fkg counselor now ?
Sounded like she thinks she's been nursing me through all this - you think ?


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Refresh my memory, does she know that you are seeking a R from her ? She may very well think this is a good safe place for you all to be at right now. I think it wouldn't hurt if you did back away some. 180 like Lost said. You need to see if this will make her pursue contact with you outside of your D. Like Lost said it does work. I keep attempting it over and over. H is not having it. He does whatever it takes to make contact when i do try. So it won't hurt to give it a go for a while




So Catch , is thgat a good thinbg that he does what ever it takes , or a bad thing ?

X seems to get much closer when l'm around , she starts talking about me again and everything !


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Well you guys ,I get a A for effort. I said to H this morning , ya know seems like to me we've been making a great team over the last few months. He said yeah you know you my baby. So then I said yep and you mine. We're a pretty good couple even. Then I said so you think its about time we put our heads and everything else together and get back in the same house. If we been doing ok separate . I think financially we'll be able to get where we need to be. He then said, there you go baby lets not go there right now.
> 
> Of course I now feel like a** !! My heart was in my toes, i wanted to cry..but I just said My baddd...shook my head and stared into the tv ,but had not a clue what was going on in it. This has just been a sucky day. He kept on with the rubbing and touching which i know should be a good thing. But I just was not interested. After heleft for work,i came home. This time I'm remaining here.



Oh [email protected], sorry Catch, but you did say what you really needed to say.
l know it was short and sweet but it was enough. That was an open door handed to him to fix this or to - lets not go there right now .
After all this [email protected] he didn't use it, he avoided it- officially - WTF !
Be good to hear what the others think but to me H seems in limbo and not going anywhere. Seems he wants to cake eat while he figures it out. 
Might be about what you wanna do now Catch, what's right for you because if he is coming round it seems a way off yet .


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> whitehawk said:
> 
> 
> 
> The success stories are in another thread in the forums, not on Sandi's thread.
> I'm confused - one minute you're saying that he's making more effort and in the next sentence you say he's withdrawing?? I need to tweak this 180 I'm doing on him, no contact from me today that's for sure! I'm so mad at him at the mo!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry lost , l know how confusing it all is.
> Anyway he was making more effort but in time it seems it's just effort to keep in touch, your son , all your lose ends , a friend.
> As times gone on though , it's seeming more and more now that it's not about you guys , just all the other stuff and just lately he is seeming more independent.
> That's just how it seems to me.
> 
> Don't worry guys , my sitch is even worse
Click to expand...


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Talking all tyhis 180 stuff lost and reading back to here , l honestly could not 180 more than l have been , that's the problem now. Thre's no where else for me to go , l thin k she's done ! Nothing matters to her on us !
> 
> I had to text her today about the money and bills , very close to losing everything because of all this , can't cope alone itwas a 2 wage plane fpo r the next 2 yrs.
> 
> She text back and said you've done so well , you've come so far - wtf ?
> What's she my fkg counselor now ?
> Sounded like she thinks she's been nursing me through all this - you think ?


I've had that from my h as well. I think they're trying to convince themselves it's the right thing to do and not feel guilty about it! Still no word from my h, he'll have to get in touch soon when he wants to pick up my son to take him out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lostwithouthim

Someone's posted this tom the 180 forum,l follow this link - Understanding Pursuit and Distance - DivorceBusting.com
It explains why we should 180 and what happens when we don't. describes my H perfectly at the mo


----------



## Finding Nemo

Welcome aboard the crazy train everyone! If you look to your left, you will see three crazy men who have created a lot of pain and confusion in other people's lives. If you look to the right, you shall see a crazy woman who has created a lot of pain and confusion in other people's lives as well. It's nice to see you all here, but sad for us all more than anything. 

If I am not more than confused now I don't know what I am. Catch, I am sooo sorry. I wish I could reach right through the computer and give you one of the biggest hugs you have ever had. I want so badly what you have had. Yet, now husband goes and says that to you? Makes me think my situation is never going to get any better. Even if I get to where you are, there is still so much farther to go. I don't know if I can mentally handle much more. I can't believe you held yourself together. You are a lot stronger than I am that's for sure. I would have been in tears and probably would have left long before you did. 

I have less than a week and I am going to know a lot more about what's going on. I don't think it's going to be very good either. I think my husband is still way to confused to even be making the kind of decision he is planning to make. He told my daughter last night that as much as he loves me he is still scared of me and doesn't trust that I am not going to call the police on him. This was before he came and dropped her off and stayed for over an hour talking to me. Yesterday was my mom's birthday and he knew I was not handling it well. I think my daughter told him because he never really paid attention to my family's birthday's etc. But my daughter knew. So, anyway -- husband asked me if I wanted a hug before he left and I said yes. I nearly started to cry on the spot. It had been a really long day at this point and I really wanted the day to end already, but I needed that hug. So, he gets out of the car and hugs me. Then he stands and he talks to me for a LONG while after. Then he sits in the seat sideways to where his legs were hanging out and facing me -- I placed myself between his legs and I was rubbing his knees while I was talking to him. It was the kind of position to really get close to someone, but I held back so as not to scare him off. I was in that position with him for at least half an hour. We were talking about all kinds of things. Nothing about us thought. This is about the time where I got really cold and I started to get teary eyed and I knew I needed to go in and go to bed so I told him I really needed sleep and I would talk to him later. 

Scared of me -- B.S. I am his second choice in life and that's what I will always believe. So much for 180 and everything else I have tried. Too bad I don't want to be just his friend because he really is an awesome best friend at times. I will probably see him on Friday night when he picks up and drops off our daughter. I am going to try and get close again -- but not too close. I just want a few more moments with him as my husband before he goes and makes his choice. 

I am so sad for me, and catch and lost and whitehawk and everyone else who has boarded this crazy train.


----------



## whitehawk

Doesn't it feel revolting. l feel like saying to her wtf , you did this and now you wanna get me through it , l think you've done enough thanks very much.
But , on the other hand , when you read what some of the others are put through and how they're treated, spose we should be thankful it's like this.

But yeah see lost he does seem to be getting more onto things his end just lately doesn't he.

l dunno . l was just talking to my sister , she's a teacher and says the things some of the kids are going through because of their parents breaking up , and the the parents come in and have big fights at each other right in front of her or the principal/
She said god you know , l so admire the way you guys are handling all this after what l see day in and out.

So , l mean she is right , maybe that's what x is doing, don't know, yours too.
You are better off with it as peaceful as poss' even if it is confusing aren't you.Especially for the kids.
l dunno , X seems resigned , l thought she was turning but now l don't think that's what it was. Thinking it may just be all about as good a transition as possible,[ that's what she calls leaving 18yrs together ] a transition .
Though l still can't work out why she invited me on that 12hr day trip , bit over board don't you think - for a transition anyway.
And why does she talk about me so much?
Met a couple of her new friends - you know what they said !
Oh hi Hawk , feel like we already know you x talks about you so much !
Then they both said , all good don't worry.

HU :scratchhead:

Why would she still talk about me so much, thought l was dog dirt and history ?

Well , spose it's better than being talked about AS dog dirt and history , shouldn't complain should l !

Then l pick up d the other night and she says on the way home - oh dad mum was talking about you all night last night !
She was - HU :scratchhead:

l don't get any of it ?????????

Hey if OM is still around, maybe he's sick to death of hearing about me 
That stuff can really P a guy off.


----------



## lostwithouthim

You're right Nemo, these WAS are all crazy! What gets me is that they are prepared to lose the family just because they threw their toys out of the pram!
Click on the link I gave you above, it explains quite a lot actually,
WH, my H maybe coming more independent like you said, but that doesn't explain what he was like on Sunday. I definitely took the lead here by going out with my friend, it meant that he had to take my son to lunch and stay out a bit longer. Also because he dropped my son off at my friend's house, he didn't get a chance for a chat and a coffee. I think he's withdrawing this week because my son is away, but I'm still annoyed with him for not keeping his promise that he'll help me when I need it. So much for the best friend thing!
The week before when I didn't ring him, he rang me 2 or 3 times during the week. Each time I was doing something so I couldn't stay on the phone for long.
If you read the thread, then it'll make more sense as to what H is like. I don't think he's becoming more independent or he wouldn't ask me to make his son up a packed lunch or hint that he wants one.
This week I'm going to ask him if he can have my son out for longer so I can relax with my friend and I don't have to rush back for 2pm. I need to take control back off him!


----------



## whitehawk

Hu , crazy train , you ain't wrong about that one.
l think l'll just stay on it from here until we get to the nuthouse :smthumbup:


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> You're right Nemo, these WAS are all crazy! What gets me is that they are prepared to lose the family just because they threw their toys out of the pram!
> Click on the link I gave you above, it explains quite a lot actually,
> WH, my H maybe coming more independent like you said, but that doesn't explain what he was like on Sunday. I definitely took the lead here by going out with my friend, it meant that he had to take my son to lunch and stay out a bit longer. Also because he dropped my son off at my friend's house, he didn't get a chance for a chat and a coffee. I think he's withdrawing this week because my son is away, but I'm still annoyed with him for not keeping his promise that he'll help me when I need it. So much for the best friend thing!
> The week before when I didn't ring him, he rang me 2 or 3 times during the week. Each time I was doing something so I couldn't stay on the phone for long.
> If you read the thread, then it'll make more sense as to what H is like. I don't think he's becoming more independent or he wouldn't ask me to make his son up a packed lunch or hint that he wants one.
> This week I'm going to ask him if he can have my son out for longer so I can relax with my friend and I don't have to rush back for 2pm. I need to take control back off him!



Oh yeah look l tell you what lost , l am sooo proud of you , l know everyone on the damn train would be :smthumbup:

Hey that wasn't a bad line was it 

ps , independent yeah well don't forget , we'd have better luck reading tea leaves than these people - we can but try hey.
But the independence does build in spats , noticed that with mine , 1 forward 2 back , 2 forward 2 back , 3 forward bla blah .
Could be wrong though , they do also do pay back to you know if you lay low on them for awhile !


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> So Catch , is thgat a good thinbg that he does what ever it takes , or a bad thing ?
> 
> X seems to get much closer when l'm around , she starts talking about me again and everything !


It's a bad thing if you ask me. Its all done for nothing it seems. I made up my mind when I woke up this morning that i'm not doing 180 im going NC again. Just ready to get it all over with. Its not going anywhere at all...


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Welcome aboard the crazy train everyone! If you look to your left, you will see three crazy men who have created a lot of pain and confusion in other people's lives. If you look to the right, you shall see a crazy woman who has created a lot of pain and confusion in other people's lives as well. It's nice to see you all here, but sad for us all more than anything.
> 
> If I am not more than confused now I don't know what I am. Catch, I am sooo sorry. I wish I could reach right through the computer and give you one of the biggest hugs you have ever had. I want so badly what you have had. Yet, now husband goes and says that to you? Makes me think my situation is never going to get any better. Even if I get to where you are, there is still so much farther to go. I don't know if I can mentally handle much more. I can't believe you held yourself together. You are a lot stronger than I am that's for sure. I would have been in tears and probably would have left long before you did.
> 
> I have less than a week and I am going to know a lot more about what's going on. I don't think it's going to be very good either. I think my husband is still way to confused to even be making the kind of decision he is planning to make. He told my daughter last night that as much as he loves me he is still scared of me and doesn't trust that I am not going to call the police on him. This was before he came and dropped her off and stayed for over an hour talking to me. Yesterday was my mom's birthday and he knew I was not handling it well. I think my daughter told him because he never really paid attention to my family's birthday's etc. But my daughter knew. So, anyway -- husband asked me if I wanted a hug before he left and I said yes. I nearly started to cry on the spot. It had been a really long day at this point and I really wanted the day to end already, but I needed that hug. So, he gets out of the car and hugs me. Then he stands and he talks to me for a LONG while after. Then he sits in the seat sideways to where his legs were hanging out and facing me -- I placed myself between his legs and I was rubbing his knees while I was talking to him. It was the kind of position to really get close to someone, but I held back so as not to scare him off. I was in that position with him for at least half an hour. We were talking about all kinds of things. Nothing about us thought. This is about the time where I got really cold and I started to get teary eyed and I knew I needed to go in and go to bed so I told him I really needed sleep and I would talk to him later.
> 
> Scared of me -- B.S. I am his second choice in life and that's what I will always believe. So much for 180 and everything else I have tried. Too bad I don't want to be just his friend because he really is an awesome best friend at times. I will probably see him on Friday night when he picks up and drops off our daughter. I am going to try and get close again -- but not too close. I just want a few more moments with him as my husband before he goes and makes his choice.
> 
> I am so sad for me, and catch and lost and whitehawk and everyone else who has boarded this crazy train.






That was so thoughtful of you Nemo. I've been strong for so long that im absolutely tired of being strong. I really don't think it's strength. .its that I've been through so much that my tolerance level for pain to the heart supersedes that of most people. Im done with it all now. Its too tiring. Im not gonna file bc like Tron said why pay for something you don't want to buy. But NC for me , this time I think im the one that's done. I think this is what he wants anyway, as he is not strong enough to do it.


----------



## Tron

"I don't understand why you want to continue living this way, I love you and want to be with you but I am not OK with this any more."

Then NC. 

Be strong and don't waiver. Don't take his calls, don't let him in the house, etc.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> "I don't understand why you want to continue living this way, I love you and want to be with you but I am not OK with this any more."
> 
> Then NC.
> 
> Be strong and don't waiver. Don't take his calls, don't let him in the house, etc.


I agree Tron  Only contact him if it's to do with finances or the kids.
I'm going back to NC with H as he's not bothered returning any of my calls this week!


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> "I don't understand why you want to continue living this way, I love you and want to be with you but I am not OK with this any more."
> 
> Then NC.
> 
> Be strong and don't waiver. Don't take his calls, don't let him in the house, etc.


I hear you loud and clear. That will be the next and final thing I say then at next contact. Then NC. I'm ready to live and I can't in a healthy way, a way in which I know ive grown in. 

Okay here goes...i just have to vent before I explode...
I can say without a R or a D ...stuck slap in the middle of limbo, that all im doing was not in vain. Just like it's been said before if nothing else you do come out a better person . And yes im mad !!! simply because i gave it a try...against my better judgement months before. Months of my life wasted !!! Sought courage I didn'thave for someone. who can't/won't (haven't determined this one yet ) who won't do the same ! Remember from day 1, i went NC pretty much. I was there, in acceptance, forcing myself to move on...and I gave this dude another friggin shot! Not anymore, my plan is set in stone and im awaiting the next contact opportunity to activate it !:soapbox:


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree Tron  Only contact him if it's to do with finances or the kids.
> I'm going back to NC with H as he's not bothered returning any of my calls this week!


I'm not even contacting then. Emergency situations only.


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## lostwithouthim

I had a support worker coming round. She initially came round to find my son activities, but now she comes round just to chat. I have opened up to her about my h and she has put this different slant on things. She said that maybe h felt he had been left behind when I started this college course and if he didn't leave then I would. She said I always like to be out and about and it's easy for me to do this. She said it mightn't be that easy for h to do the same and he might've felt left out when we were married. She thinks I should tweak my life a bit and start inviting him out on family days out. Something that he might like to do rather than something that I want to do. I've got to get my thinking cap on this one! I did think that we could go to a stately home when they've got an event on and it's hard to get there by bus. I could ask him to run us there and then he might want to stay for the rest of the day. 
I also thought that maybe I am too busy and I should schedule some time in to tidy and clean the house. Hopefully he'll start seeing the changes I've made!
It'll probably take him a while before he starts accepting these new changes in me, but at least it's a start 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> I hear you loud and clear. That will be the next and final thing I say then at next contact. Then NC. I'm ready to live and I can't in a healthy way, a way in which I know ive grown in.
> 
> Okay here goes...i just have to vent before I explode...
> I can say without a R or a D ...stuck slap in the middle of limbo, that all im doing was not in vain. Just like it's been said before if nothing else you do come out a better person . And yes im mad !!! simply because i gave it a try...against my better judgement months before. Months of my life wasted !!! Sought courage I didn'thave for someone. who can't/won't (haven't determined this one yet ) who won't do the same ! Remember from day 1, i went NC pretty much. I was there, in acceptance, forcing myself to move on...and I gave this dude another friggin shot! Not anymore, my plan is set in stone and im awaiting the next contact opportunity to activate it !:soapbox:


Hey Catch, sorry to hear whats happened. I know EXACTLY how you feel. You might remember this is what happened to me about a month ago too and was the reason I moved the kids and I back out of H's house. All of a sudden, it was back to the way it was when this whole situation started last year... we didn't hang out, we didn't talk... he saw the kids when he took them on the weekends, etc. It was only 2 or 3 weeks of living like that before he decided that he wants to give it a real shot and actually WORK on saving our relationship.

I know (now) in my H's case, it wasn't his intent to just leave me in limboland. I don't think he even really realized thats what he was doing. Our separation wasn't caused by an affair, or feelings changing, or anything like that... we were fighting so much and H didn't feel like there was a choice. When the kids and I started living with him again in January, things were better. We started getting closer and spent all our time together and things were great. But he was the same as your H, we aren't together, doesn't want to talk about it, etc. H liked our "relationship" the way it was and NOT because he wanted freedom, or wanted to stay single, or any of that.... but because he was scared that somehow just saying those words, or discussing it, would turn our relationship back to the way it used to be.

When we moved this last time, he realized that he only had two choices... to move on as a family or move on without his family. He chose with us. 

I know our situations have mirrored each other in a lot of ways. I can't quite remember how/why your H decided to separate in the beginning, so that might be different, but my H has since told me that he never wanted this. He didn't stop loving me, he wasn't happier when he left and that he would cry alone in his apartment every night. He didn't know how to fix it and felt he didn't have the choice. That hit me hard because I remember just hating him... thinking he has it all now and I am left devastated. 

That also made me see one thing that I didn't see before.... this period of "limbo" was not him trying to decide what he wanted, it was him trying to keep what he wanted. We were doing great together and as a family, which is all he wanted to begin with but didn't know how to make happen. Now all of a sudden we had it and he didn't want anything to change that. 

Now, his way of looking at it, even now, makes zero sense to me BUT it is the way HE thinks. I don't have to understand "why" he sees it that way, just that he DOES. Just something to think about.

Edit: Just in case my intent with this post is not clear, I 100% agree with your decision to go NC. I have a feeling that if you do, things might turn out much like they did for me... and if I'm wrong about that, its still the best thing you can do for yourself.


----------



## Tron

NotEZ said:


> H liked our "relationship" the way it was and NOT because he wanted freedom, or wanted to stay single, or any of that.... but because he was scared that somehow just saying those words, or discussing it, would turn our relationship back to the way it used to be.


Catch, 

This makes sense. 

You might also let your H know that you don't want things to be the way they were, you don't want to fight and that you feel you two can make this "new" relationship work even if you are together all the time living under one roof. 

You feel like your living in limbo and it just isn't working for you. You need more.




NotEZ said:


> When we moved this last time, he realized that he only had two choices... to move on as a family or move on without his family. He chose with us.


That is why, at this point, a good bout of NC might just do the trick.

Good job NotEZ. Glad it worked.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Hey Catch, sorry to hear whats happened. I know EXACTLY how you feel. You might remember this is what happened to me about a month ago too and was the reason I moved the kids and I back out of H's house. All of a sudden, it was back to the way it was when this whole situation started last year... we didn't hang out, we didn't talk... he saw the kids when he took them on the weekends, etc. It was only 2 or 3 weeks of living like that before he decided that he wants to give it a real shot and actually WORK on saving our relationship.
> 
> I know (now) in my H's case, it wasn't his intent to just leave me in limboland. I don't think he even really realized thats what he was doing. Our separation wasn't caused by an affair, or feelings changing, or anything like that... we were fighting so much and H didn't feel like there was a choice. When the kids and I started living with him again in January, things were better. We started getting closer and spent all our time together and things were great. But he was the same as your H, we aren't together, doesn't want to talk about it, etc. H liked our "relationship" the way it was and NOT because he wanted freedom, or wanted to stay single, or any of that.... but because he was scared that somehow just saying those words, or discussing it, would turn our relationship back to the way it used to be.
> 
> When we moved this last time, he realized that he only had two choices... to move on as a family or move on without his family. He chose with us.
> 
> I know our situations have mirrored each other in a lot of ways. I can't quite remember how/why your H decided to separate in the beginning, so that might be different, but my H has since told me that he never wanted this. He didn't stop loving me, he wasn't happier when he left and that he would cry alone in his apartment every night. He didn't know how to fix it and felt he didn't have the choice. That hit me hard because I remember just hating him... thinking he has it all now and I am left devastated.
> 
> That also made me see one thing that I didn't see before.... this period of "limbo" was not him trying to decide what he wanted, it was him trying to keep what he wanted. We were doing great together and as a family, which is all he wanted to begin with but didn't know how to make happen. Now all of a sudden we had it and he didn't want anything to change that.
> 
> Now, his way of looking at it, even now, makes zero sense to me BUT it is the way HE thinks. I don't have to understand "why" he sees it that way, just that he DOES. Just something to think about.
> 
> Edit: Just in case my intent with this post is not clear, I 100% agree with your decision to go NC. I have a feeling that if you do, things might turn out much like they did for me... and if I'm wrong about that, its still the best thing you can do for yourself.



Here we go. Because yes you are once again dead on with how he is acting i'm telling you they are twins !! I don't know if what this will end up as R or D...but their ways and actions are sooooo dead on the way you describe them. 

No there was no police or nothing ever involved for why he would be scared of me. Yes he has every reason thought to be scared...i was harsh at times. Only when provoked ;but i felt provoked often and reacted. He's called twice already...i didn't answer. I got a text asking was i ok. It'll only be a matter of time before he shows up and when he does. That's when I'll let this be last contact. I know Tron said don't let him in. Just this last time is necessary. I know him. Not face to face he'll play dopey and act as if he doesn't understand. I want this to be completely understood, not twisted, or taken anyway but how I intend for it to be. I dont want him assuming i'm angry or any of that. This is business. In business you have to have a plan. My plan has been drawn up and in its final stages. I need to know if we have a deal or not. If not. NC in full effect.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> This makes sense.
> 
> You might also let your H know that you don't want things to be the way they were, you don't want to fight and that you feel you two can make this "new" relationship work even if you are together all the time living under one roof.
> 
> You feel like your living in limbo and it just isn't working for you. You need more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That is why, at this point, a good bout of NC might just do the trick.
> 
> Good job NotEZ.


This makes me feel good to know you are in total agreement of her post. Because I am all ears and eyes open to this one too Tron. He's off to work by now and just texted me that he will be over when he gets off. (Soooo predictable, i knew he'd do this ) this time I replied, Ok. So I guess I'll see him tonight. He'll call on his breaks. I wont answer for the lunch but I will for the two very short breaks. Don't wanna tick him off that something is brewing or he may shy away and go on to his place after work. I need him here. I need to get this ball rolling.


----------



## Tron

And Catch, you are right, no need to act all PO'd. Be normal, good natured Catch when you let him know. Businesslike is good too. 

I also don't think he is doing it to intentionally hurt you. I realize it hurts anyway, but there is no need to go back to the way things were before. It wasn't working for either of you. 

You are confident now. Things have leveled off and you know that you guys can live together without fighting. You have made a tremendous amount of progress. You are in the home stretch and NO back-sliding is allowed.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> This makes sense.
> 
> You might also let your H know that you don't want things to be the way they were, you don't want to fight and that you feel you two can make this "new" relationship work even if you are together all the time living under one roof.
> 
> You feel like your living in limbo and it just isn't working for you. You need more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That is why, at this point, a good bout of NC might just do the trick.
> 
> Good job NotEZ. Glad it worked.
> 
> And Catch, don't act all PO'd. Be normal , good natured Catch when you let him know. I don't think he is doing it to intentionally hurt you. I realize it hurts anyway, but...no need to go back to the way things were before. You have made a tremendous amount of progress and don't need to back-slide.


Right. I can't most definitely let any anger, resentment, nothing be shown. That's not my intention. Im dumping that here and in my mind this whole 8 hours . That way im not subject to react when the time comes. I kinda feel like he's not hurting. me intentionally; but I.cant help but think sometimes this is his way of payback. And when hes done or feel like enough is enough he'll come around. I know that may not be it...but being in limbo. You don't know what to think sometimes. 

Im refusing to backslide though. That is not an option. I truly appreciate you all at this time..


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> And Catch, you are right, no need to act all PO'd. Be normal, good natured Catch when you let him know. Businesslike is good too.
> 
> I also don't think he is doing it to intentionally hurt you. I realize it hurts anyway, but there is no need to go back to the way things were before. It wasn't working for either of you.
> 
> You are confident now. Things have leveled off and you know that you guys can live together without fighting. You have made a tremendous amount of progress. You are in the home stretch and NO back-sliding is allowed.


My fear from days ago has turned into excitement. I'll be excited to either reunite our family or to begin my new life. The move to the city is off the table right now. Im starting back to work in a month, ill do the best I can as i've been doing here in my own home. Ill draw another living plan should that become a issue financially. Right now I'll continue to build from where I am.

If a R is achieved, then ill continue working on me and slowly working on keeping the dynamic changing between us.


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> No there was no police or nothing ever involved for why he would be scared of me. Yes he has every reason thought to be scared...i was harsh at times. Only when provoked ;but i felt provoked often and reacted.


And here is where you and I are twins... lol. H has told me, its not that he was actually "scared" of me, but he was scared of feeling the hurt that my words caused him. He felt I had no respect for him. I never realized before that my words caused him so much pain.. I thought like I thought, I'm reacting to a situation and when its over its over. But it wasn't for him. 

I feel absolutely horrible for that because I just didn't realize it. It seems obvious now, but I was totally blind to the toll it was taking on him at the time. It took the hell of this past year for me to finally understand that, and that is the best thing to come out of this yet.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> And here is where you and I are twins... lol. H has told me, its not that he was actually "scared" of me, but he was scared of feeling the hurt that my words caused him. He felt I had no respect for him. I never realized before that my words caused him so much pain.. I thought like I thought, I'm reacting to a situation and when its over its over. But it wasn't for him.
> 
> I feel absolutely horrible for that because I just didn't realize it. It seems obvious now, but I was totally blind to the toll it was taking on him at the time. It took the hell of this past year for me to finally understand that, and that is the best thing to come out of this yet.


These are my exact feelings. I know exactly what you mean when you say he says he's scared of you. It took this for me to see that i actually was harming him. I always thought it just rolled off his shoulder. You live and you learn. When you know better you do better and now I Know.


----------



## Tron

Ladies,

Wow!!! I am very impressed with these last two posts!!!

:smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup:


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## Finding Nemo

whitehawk said:


> Hu , crazy train , you ain't wrong about that one.
> l think l'll just stay on it from here until we get to the nuthouse :smthumbup:



Oh no...I will have to get a rubber robe to cover up my sponge pajamas. Can't have company coming to visit without at least covering up. I'll see what I can do about making sure the pads on the walls are extra soft and comfortable.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> These are my exact feelings. I know exactly what you mean when you say he says he's scared of you. It took this for me to see that i actually was harming him. I always thought it just rolled off his shoulder. You live and you learn. When you know better you do better and now I Know.



Oh my goodness. I am going to be following this piece of the conversation with my full attention. My husband has recently said to our daughter that I hurt him with my words. In fact he said I abused him with my words because I once threatened to leave him and take my daughter to where my family lived far, far, away in another state. I wasn't trying to hurt him. I didn't think about what I said. I was tired and frustrated and I knew something needed to change. I needed help. I needed to feel like I mattered. So, what did it matter where my daughter and I lived? If my family was willing to step up and help me and if he was NEVER going to be around and he NEVER saw our daughter at the time, what difference did it matter where our daughter and I were? 

I understand now that those words really hurt him. I know those words have also affected our daughter because she is often scared I will take her off away from her dad. But I haven't done that. I haven't tried to do that. Nor do I have plans to do that. I haven't a reason to take her off. Even with all of the B.S. going on, he has seen more of our daughter in the past 8 months than he has in most of her life. I mean, how sad is it when you live next door to someone for nearly 3 years and they ask you if they man they saw at your house is your brother, boyfriend, or your husband? The neighbor worked a 9 - 5 and came home and took care of his wife and 2 twin daughters so he was home a lot and had every opportunity to see my husband. My husband was never around -- that's why he didn't see him before that time. Sigh. 

So, how do we fix these situations where our words have spoken so loudly? Guess this will be a topic of conversation with my IC tonight. I'll let you guys know what she has to say...


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Oh my goodness. I am going to be following this piece of the conversation with my full attention. My husband has recently said to our daughter that I hurt him with my words. In fact he said I abused him with my words because I once threatened to leave him and take my daughter to where my family lived far, far, away in another state. I wasn't trying to hurt him. I didn't think about what I said. I was tired and frustrated and I knew something needed to change. I needed help. I needed to feel like I mattered. So, what did it matter where my daughter and I lived? If my family was willing to step up and help me and if he was NEVER going to be around and he NEVER saw our daughter at the time, what difference did it matter where our daughter and I were?
> 
> I understand now that those words really hurt him. I know those words have also affected our daughter because she is often scared I will take her off away from her dad. But I haven't done that. I haven't tried to do that. Nor do I have plans to do that. I haven't a reason to take her off. Even with all of the B.S. going on, he has seen more of our daughter in the past 8 months than he has in most of her life. I mean, how sad is it when you live next door to someone for nearly 3 years and they ask you if they man they saw at your house is your brother, boyfriend, or your husband? The neighbor worked a 9 - 5 and came home and took care of his wife and 2 twin daughters so he was home a lot and had every opportunity to see my husband. My husband was never around -- that's why he didn't see him before that time. Sigh.
> 
> So, how do we fix these situations where our words have spoken so loudly? Guess this will be a topic of conversation with my IC tonight. I'll let you guys know what she has to say...


You can't fix the situation. You have to fix you and how you react to situations. That's what I've been doing.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I hear you loud and clear. That will be the next and final thing I say then at next contact. Then NC. I'm ready to live and I can't in a healthy way, a way in which I know ive grown in.
> 
> Okay here goes...i just have to vent before I explode...
> I can say without a R or a D ...stuck slap in the middle of limbo, that all im doing was not in vain. Just like it's been said before if nothing else you do come out a better person . And yes im mad !!! simply because i gave it a try...against my better judgement months before. Months of my life wasted !!! Sought courage I didn'thave for someone. who can't/won't (haven't determined this one yet ) who won't do the same ! Remember from day 1, i went NC pretty much. I was there, in acceptance, forcing myself to move on...and I gave this dude another friggin shot! Not anymore, my plan is set in stone and im awaiting the next contact opportunity to activate it !:soapbox:



l know how hard it must've been Catch but if it was me l'd need to know l gave it my best shot and you did, so it wasn't in vain don't worry . You'll have a solidness now about all the stuff you've been thinking about and we need that first anyway so .


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> These are my exact feelings. I know exactly what you mean when you say he says he's scared of you. It took this for me to see that i actually was harming him. I always thought it just rolled off his shoulder. You live and you learn. When you know better you do better and now I Know.



You two are very similar to mine only it was me.
The last yrs were just that hard , exhausting . l t effected her one way and me another and then we both effected each other only mine was a lot like this . l was quick fused , miserable . It wasn't until our last few mths l realized how that effected her .
There was more , an EA but although that was ongoing for 12 mths it wasn't at all how it looked. lt was just fun but she thought l was going to run off. h
Her health got really bad too but geez , reading yours an Nemo's my stuff efffected her the same and our sep was all about that stuff and my friend.
ln my head l was just in fowl moods , it didn't mean much but to her it hurt her and scared her , l had no idea how much until the end , l was just all messed up from major cluster fk and struggling so long in our new area.

She felt she had to move out too , she also thought l was gonna run of with the friend as well.

All this really makes me wonder even more now.

Your h Catch has never added up , it's always seemed much more about something like this . Mind you , it's also damn hard to figure these people 

Now l'm back to thinking more about mine after reading these.

Least you have a solid plan now Catch . l was never crazy about you living that crap with him , not like that . :smthumbup:


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Someone's posted this tom the 180 forum,l follow this link - Understanding Pursuit and Distance - DivorceBusting.com
> It explains why we should 180 and what happens when we don't. describes my H perfectly at the mo


Thanks for the link lost.
l dunno , l don't fully understand this strategy as you know , l'd like to know who that is that started that page to. ls it a doctor or expert ? I see they did 16,000 posts , that is one truckload of posts .


l still struggle with this concept and when l say l don't understand it , most the 180 stuffs pretty simple but what l don't understand is the effects they say it will have and l'll go into that here . Now this is just me yeah , but l do have lived two VERY , exact scenarios .

Ok ,that ex GF l mentioned. If she'd have given me , shown me what I need from her , l'm telling you , I would never have left . But she acted exactly 180ish and that just made me think l'll never see it , she doesn't care enough , l'm outa here.
That's exactly how that treatment effected me - what can l say.

The second time , was with my wife . l was the distancer , just exactly like that post lost , describes . That was me during most of our last few yrs , l know no wonder she separated !
But hey life had been tough , she'd also changed a lot.
And true I wasn't sure how I felt about her any more .
And if you reverse it right - l was actually treating her that way - so eventually she broke s up .
There was as you know other things to but that is where being that way got me - which l was pretty well living a 180.

But , had of she backed off to the degree they describe there - there is NO WAY , no way , that would've brought me around. lt would've killed of the last thread for me , that's what that treatment would have done and it was me acting like that that did it to her.

So what does all that mean ?
Some yeah it may make them turn and become the pursuer like say but it sure didn't me and it sure didn't my wife so, more confused than ever myself. Well if we were hoping for R anyway , or to save a still going marriage when one becomes distant .

l can see if WA took of for and A , or greener grass , or selfishness , l can see it turning people like that , some anyway.
But mine was far more an emotional thing , hurt . Seems like the wrong medicine if l was looking for R , it would just be more of the same thing that drove her away surely ?

l know to some degree yes , for myself , my well being , all the self care side , but the rest - no idea !


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## whitehawk

Another thing l notice lost , in a lot of the questions people ask her , why aren't they coming back yet.

Well she says it takes them two or three yrs to turn but then , they will want to know you . And that is when you will become the best of friends again.
She says that in nearly every example.

But friends , who gives a flying about becoming good friends , you were married . l'm not looking to become good friends !

So again , it is confusing and i do wonder.


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## lostwithouthim

WH, from what I gather 180 is doing the complete opposite to what you've done before. I'm still trying to work that one out!
My H still hasn't contacted me and he had some important post delivered here today. Normally I'd tell him about it but as he's not answering my calls then he can wait until he comes round to collect it. I'm going to wait for him to contact me now.
I know a lot of the posts say 2-3 years and I thought I can't wait that long. However, that doesn't mean to say that they've not been piecing it back together before that. I read a post lately that said my H moved back in after 2 years, but if you read on then she's actually spent 2 years dating H again and going to MC. I can cope with this but not 2 years of being on an emotional roller coaster. I'm not going to wait around forever for him. However, saying that, if I was still single and still got feelings for H after 2 years, then I'll leave the door ajar as long as I am able to.


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## whitehawk

Yeah and l've read some even a few mths here at tam.
l agree l'm not hanging round either , well once l've decided but if as you say maybe later and l was still single then well, who knows.
l'm worried this is effecting your h in the wrong way , he definitely seems to be going more on his way.
but you also do have to do most of it for yourself anyway now , l know , l do to.
l'm in that place to on that side. l can't chase or hope now , l have to think of me now , don't have a choice l guess.
l do know though it was hurting her that made her split us up and if she even got a hint of more that'd surely be it for her - so if there is a hope l'm still at a loss on how to handle it.

lost why do you think she invited me on that 12hr day trip , still puzzled about that and l worry that might have been her offering me a door. like l said , one sniff of more hurt or rejection and she'd run like all hell.
l've talked to a few people here about that trip , no ones sure but a few agreed that;s a long trip , could've been something. just seemed to much to be only about my d's bd.
See she actually changed after l knocked that back . She's been very "whatever" with me since . Hope l didn't blow it.


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## lostwithouthim

ok here's my take on it, now I know a bit more about what this 180 thing is all about. Basically you don't contact them, you leave them to contact you, ok? Once they do contact you, then you are friendly with them and amicable. If my H for example contacts me and asks me to go on a trip with him, then I would agree to. However, if it had been the other way round, then H would've said no. Are you with me so far? I hope so, lol.
One of Sandi's rules said if he invites you on a trip and it doesn't affect any of your plans then go. However, if you'd planned to do something else, then politely refuse. Don't accept every invitation your S offers though, remember you've got your own life now and you've got to show her that yes you still want her back but you're not going to wait around for her.
I know you're worried about my NC with H, but what am I supposed to do if he won't answer his phone?
When he had an OW 12 years ago, I wasn't contacting him before. This was before I'd heard of going dark or 180, I just thought that's it it's over and let him get on with it.
Eventually he started ringing me every day just to chat and that was the start of R. The last time it lasted 8 months and I think Christmas is a telling time for the WAS. Do you know he went on about the fact he hadn't had a b/day cake for months afterwards, lol.
Anyway, don't be worried, I know what I'm doing 
Did you decide to go on the trip after all or is it still up in the air? I would go and forget about the reason why because it may just be her reaching out to you. Don't make any moves on her though as this will make her pull away again. Let her do all the chasing, but if she initiates contact then reciprocate it


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## whitehawk

oh yeah , that's a bit clearer to me now thanks but na, trips been and gone.
l said l didn't feel right going that far together under these circumstances.
There was also the 4 girls going and - l don't know if she was still seeing om.
lf she was then l'm not spending 12 hrs in a car pretending happy family , so l didn't go.
l couldn't bring myself to ask her about the om but if she wasn't seeing him l may've gone.
Hmm , l see what you mean about making any moves too , was wondering how that sides suppose to work.

Anyway , your bloke lost . look as far as l can tell , you have no choice anyway.
Unless like me you really hurt him and that's what really made him go.
But it wasn't was it , l'm that fkd up l forget now. Didn't he just hit you with moving out.
You can't chase him if so , worry about when he calls or tracking him down for something. lf he left like that then all that's on him now.

That what l was saying , you have no choice but to look out for yourself first right now . That's best for you.
lt was only the other angle l was a bit worried about but hey what can you do anyway.
Really handy having his pattern from llast time , not that you wanna think of that but eh , if it helps .


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## whitehawk

When you put it that way , l probly should have gone . l've had a gut feeling day 1 it was an open door . But hey , not with an om hangin around.


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## lostwithouthim

My H just moved out without any good reason really. He said we've been living as friends the last 4 years and I suppose he'd had enough with living as friends. I got fed up as well, but only because he didn't get a job and sat on his behind all day doing nothing. It was like we were with each other 24/7 so I would go out just to get some space away. 
When he did go out, it would always be with me. Once I started going to college, he stopped going to the clubs that we used to go to as he didn't want to go on his own.
He never gave me a chance to set things right. He never said what was wrong, he always said he was happy living with me. So in a way I suppose he did just hit me with it!
I do think about his pattern from last time, but this time round I contacted him more and he was the one who wants to D me and not the other way around.
You're right that I have no choice. Remember when I was giving him all these love deposits and then he chucked them all back in my face the following week when he said he wanted a D.
This has been the best way for me so far. I am relaxed more and I can concentrate on my life most of the time. When I do contact him and he doesn't answer, it winds me up!
He got to go through this fog first before he can start thinking things clearly. He may say he's happier, but is he really or is he just kidding himself? Only time will tell and it will be a looooong time before I can find the answer out to that one! lol.
I'm glad that you're finally getting how this 180 lark works  Don't ask her about the OM, he might not be there anymore but I think you'll be the first to know if he's not! She also needs to see this OM for who he is, so be patient and wait  The rebound relationships never work out, well hardly ever anyway! As they say on the 180 forum, be the husband that your wife would be proud to be with.


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> When you put it that way , l probly should have gone . l've had a gut feeling day 1 it was an open door . But hey , not with an om hangin around.


Don't worry, you'll probably get another opportunity to do something again with the family and your W  If the OM is around, why would she be asking you and not him? Don't beat yourself up about it, you did what you felt was best at the time


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## catch22gofigure

Ok so here we go

I initiated the conversation last night. Again you guys he avoids this question! ! He said why do you keep wanting to talk about this right now, dang everything was going just fine. You just want to argue. I said I do not want to argue, i just need some answers im tired of living like this. He says , man chill out . So NC here we go... He just called and asked will I go school shopping for the kids with him in the morning. I agreed , because if I don't go they'll come back with everything but the right things. I will not be answering any break calls today. He stopped by on his way to work...the door was unlocked so he walked right in. Fixed himself lunch out of my refrigerator. I went in my room and stayed there in disbelief. He came in and tried to give me the key to his apartment, saying we can leave out in the morning from his house. I refused it and said that we can just leave from here. He gave me a funny look said ok and left. Its do or die now for this marriage. Its gonna hurt me like hell but I have to do it. I do know he'll get mad here shortly by my NC...but oh well, im prepared.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> You two are very similar to mine only it was me.
> The last yrs were just that hard , exhausting . l t effected her one way and me another and then we both effected each other only mine was a lot like this . l was quick fused , miserable . It wasn't until our last few mths l realized how that effected her .
> There was more , an EA but although that was ongoing for 12 mths it wasn't at all how it looked. lt was just fun but she thought l was going to run off. h
> Her health got really bad too but geez , reading yours an Nemo's my stuff efffected her the same and our sep was all about that stuff and my friend.
> ln my head l was just in fowl moods , it didn't mean much but to her it hurt her and scared her , l had no idea how much until the end , l was just all messed up from major cluster fk and struggling so long in our new area.
> 
> She felt she had to move out too , she also thought l was gonna run of with the friend as well.
> 
> All this really makes me wonder even more now.
> 
> Your h Catch has never added up , it's always seemed much more about something like this . Mind you , it's also damn hard to figure these people
> 
> Now l'm back to thinking more about mine after reading these.
> 
> Least you have a solid plan now Catch . l was never crazy about you living that crap with him , not like that . :smthumbup:


Ummmm WH, if i was her i'd thought you were gonna run off too. A year is a long time to ponder if your H will end this EA. Have you had the opportunity to rebuild that trust with her ?


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok so here we go
> 
> I initiated the conversation last night. Again you guys he avoids this question! ! He said why do you keep wanting to talk about this right now, dang everything was going just fine. You just want to argue. I said I do not want to argue, i just need some answers im tired of living like this. He says , man chill out . So NC here we go... He just called and asked will I go school shopping for the kids with him in the morning. I agreed , because if I don't go they'll come back with everything but the right things. I will not be answering any break calls today. He stopped by on his way to work...the door was unlocked so he walked right in. Fixed himself lunch out of my refrigerator. I went in my room and stayed there in disbelief. He came in and tried to give me the key to his apartment, saying we can leave out in the morning from his house. I refused it and said that we can just leave from here. He gave me a funny look said ok and left. Its do or die now for this marriage. Its gonna hurt me like hell but I have to do it. I do know he'll get mad here shortly by my NC...but oh well, im prepared.


My h does that as well, just walks into the house and makes himself a drink. He has made himself a sandwich before now as well! You need to start setting boundaries with your h, I've already set some with mine  btw he phoned tonight. I was round at my friends tonight and I'm stopping here. He'd forgotten about the lunch at church as he normally picks up my son from there. I said we'll be in on Monday as I've not got anything on as yet. He sounded quite pleased and said ok I'll be round on Monday, I should be ok by then. Looks like my support worker was right, he likes it when I'm around more. Oh and he has had a tummy bug aka man flu!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Ummmm WH, if i was her i'd thought you were gonna run off too. A year is a long time to ponder if your H will end this EA. Have you had the opportunity to rebuild that trust with her ?



Yeah , l can't blame her with the way l'd been plus the EA.
l was in a fog to though but it was more just all fkd up.
The thing about her quitting on us is not that l could blame her , it was her solution that disgusted me.
l had light bulb moments around that exact time and l wanted to make it up to her , keep our family , l could have turned all that once I'd realized .
All our hassles were finally reaching a down hill run , the light bub moments , she never told me or warned me about the way she was feeling , she'd said right through everything was fine.
So if we look at it all , we could've been saved , this didn't have to be the solution. That's my thing.
Too many people are just quitting and running off now when in a lot of cases if only they stuck around and gave it a chance to turn the corner.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> My h does that as well, just walks into the house and makes himself a drink. He has made himself a sandwich before now as well! You need to start setting boundaries with your h, I've already set some with mine  btw he phoned tonight. I was round at my friends tonight and I'm stopping here. He'd forgotten about the lunch at church as he normally picks up my son from there. I said we'll be in on Monday as I've not got anything on as yet. He sounded quite pleased and said ok I'll be round on Monday, I should be ok by then. Looks like my support worker was right, he likes it when I'm around more. Oh and he has had a tummy bug aka man flu!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I do that at her place , just help myself , why not 
May as well at least get some decent food outa this :smthumbup:
Don't think much of it guys , you guys usually have a much better fridge stock than us , no biggie.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> I do that at her place , just help myself , why not
> May as well at least get some decent food outa this :smthumbup:
> Don't think much of it guys , you guys usually have a much better fridge stock than us , no biggie.


Oh this im not thinking much into. Im pissed really. ..the nerve !! Umm you lose the perks of my grocery shopping abilities when you left this household is how im feeling. Buy your own groceries is what I want to say to him but. Not reacting ill deal with my pissed-ness over the next day or so...Besides, he said im making him fat remember? Not that he's eating in excessive amounts here lately, but that I cook so good. Im coming to think about a lot these days. A LOT.


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## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok so here we go
> I initiated the conversation last night. Again you guys he avoids this question! ! He said why do you keep wanting to talk about this right now, dang everything was going just fine. You just want to argue. I said I do not want to argue, i just need some answers im tired of living like this. He says , man chill out .


 Don't ask Catch, TELL him. Your feelings matter as much as his.


> So NC here we go... He just called and asked will I go school shopping for the kids with him in the morning. I agreed , because if I don't go they'll come back with everything but the right things.


 Excuses Catch.. NC means don't answer the phone to find out what he needs from you. Wives make sure husbands don't screw up, if he doesn't want to commit to being the husband, don't be his wife. Everything can be returned.



> I will not be answering any break calls today.


 Hope its a lot longer than that.



> He stopped by on his way to work...the door was unlocked so he walked right in. Fixed himself lunch out of my refrigerator. I went in my room and stayed there in disbelief.


 "Im not ok with that". Its called boundaries. Neither NC or reconcilliation will work without them. Don't let him decide how its going to be. Thats why you are sitting in limbo waiting for him to decide... you won't USE your voice" 



> He came in and tried to give me the key to his apartment, saying we can leave out in the morning from his house. I refused it and said that we can just leave from here. He gave me a funny look said ok and left.


 Whether you leave from his house or your house for whatever, how is that no contact?



> Its do or die now for this marriage. Its gonna hurt me like hell but I have to do it. I do know he'll get mad here shortly by my NC...but oh well, im prepared.


Yes Catch, it is do or die. Right now you have a choice to live the way you are and accept and be happy with what you have or to make a difference. But if you want things to change, YOU have to be the one to force that change. He won't because he is HAPPY right now. I'm pretty sure he has no idea what he is actually doing to you right now. Men are simple... he is there for you, doesn't understand why words mean more than that. 

The only way you are going to force that change is to show him what he is losing and you can't do that when you are available at all times. Don't expect him to respect what you want or are feeling when you don't respect yourself enough to stand up for what you want or feel. Don't accept what you aren't happy with. 

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh Catch, cause I'm strangely invested in your relationship lol, but EPIC FAILURE!! First of all, this is probably the 15th post in the last month where you said "he followed me", "he showed up", "he did blah blah blah". He does those things because you have ZERO boundaries. You shouldn't be sitting there in disbelief because you've allowed him to do whatever he wants!

Right now, you don't need him to answer any question. You need to TELL him what you want. You need to tell him that you love him, that you love the way the relationship between the two of you is going, but that you are looking to grow together in your marriage not as a separated couple. You need to tell him that, while you love him and want nothing more than to be his wife and work on this relationship, you are no longer willing to maintain two households and go back and forth. Tell him you understand, and respect, that he may not be ready but that you are and can no longer accept anything less. 

Don't ask him anything, don't expect an answer, and definately DON'T let anything he says in response affect you. My H let me move out. In fact, not 4 hours before his "I want to go to councilling and be a family again" text, he texted me saying "We have too many problems and just won't work right now. Maybe once we get ourselves in the right place we'll find our way back too each other". They don't see things the same way we do... they need to work it out on their OWN. 

And I don't mean say any of the above in a mean/mad way, just say it. And then STICK to it. If he shows up at the house, don't let him in. If he walks in, tell him that you are not ok with that and he needs to respect you. If he calls... don't answer. He will never make a decision if you are available to him at all times because he doesn't need too... and they HONESTLY don't see whats wrong with the relationship the way it is. They walked out once, for a reason, but still got close after that. The love is not gone and, trust me, it will be a million times harder to let something thats been great just walk out. He will make the right decision Catch. And if he doesn't (again, your words and actions above are not in a "mean/threatening" way, they are nice Catch explaining her feelings and BOUNDARIES) then you aren't actually losing anything.


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## catch22gofigure

I know full well you aren't being mean NotEz. I know it's all out of concern. He did indeed get my message. Since i refused that key. I have not heard a peep from him while he was at work. He's off by now, still no word from him. We all know that is not like him. So by now he's pissed. Who cares...let him be pissed. 

We shop over a hundred miles from where we live. He has never shopped for our D and schools starts Monday. Not a chance I can afford to take. But seriously, this time around. I feel I'm done. I'm entertaining the thought of even dating a little. This man clearly does not feel how I feel, nor deserve another opportunity from me.  So no worries on the NC thing. It's a wrap for us. The boundaries will be laid tomorrow and that will be that.


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## catch22gofigure

I really and truly appreciate all the efforts everyone has made to help us. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I just want it to be over. Like I said before. No im not gonna go file. I don't have the money to and its not what I wanted. But I don't even think im receptive to a R right now. Without him at least entertaining the thought of getting help along with me. 5 years from now we'll be right back where we were, so im done. Never again can I let someone rent this much time and space in my head..


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Don't worry, you'll probably get another opportunity to do something again with the family and your W  If the OM is around, why would she be asking you and not him? Don't beat yourself up about it, you did what you felt was best at the time


Thanks lost . Yeah l've never been concerned with 180 big stuff , it's basically a no brainer that whatever name you wanna give it sooner or later we have to stop , think and reverse ourselves , the situation , for ourselves.

But, the little intricacies aren't so easy see.
Like should l have gone , why did she ask me, was it a door ?
She couldn't ask om , that a/holes not aloud near my d let alone 12 hrs on her bd.
So was it just about the bd - or more ?

Or like do you ask if om is still around , or not ? Well 1 , no l'm not asking my x wife about her new love life - shove it !
But 2 , hell they'd probly lie anyway even if it was dead or they look like a fool so !

Or , for my situation - is this treatment right for mine, mines different ? 
For mine 180 would just mean more of the EXACT thing minus the EA anyway , that split us up . That seems stupid !
A 180 as l said , if they screwed around or just ran off , yeah ok.
But to give my X more of the same treatment which is basically what a full 180 will do - isn't that just going to prove her decision right to her ? She needs somehow , to see she was wrong about me not confirm she was right , surely! 

In fact l wouldn't even be sure for you lost either . Look at it - you were living like friends and you said to yourself to hell with this and started doing your own thing right. But that's exactly what's going on again now !
So to me that's only going to prove to him you guys are a dead duck and he made the right decision. That stuffs not gonna change his mind anytime soon , no way.
If that was you that walked lost for all the same reasons, what would you need to see to make you realize you were wrong and want to go back ?

And it's other things to like , what if they are reaching out to you , you 180 them , you've hurt them a lot in the past , they think to hell with this [email protected] !
See in one way , anything good could be used as a possible tiny new start , maybe it's even a test from her , l've suspected that heaps of times.
lt's the little things where this all gets that tricky.

Anyway , l' much clearer on the little things in this and thanks for that.
Spose l should've said yes to the trip but not if om is still around.
Anyway , spose if it was about us for her l gave legit reasons for not going and your probly right , maybe she tries again.

For me l need closure now .
Either she's thinking and some of the stuff from her are little tests and if l make the most of them we may be able to move from there 
Or , they mean nothing , just this good friend bs for my d , she's not even considering R and l can move on once and for all .
Of course l could just ask , but it's like the om stuff , l just can't do it.

ps , really interesting what you said about the touching lost . l had that exact scenario the other night and l used it and cuffed her hip = she looked down and stepped away from the touch.
l could of kicked myself !


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> I know full well you aren't being mean NotEz. I know it's all out of concern. He did indeed get my message. Since i refused that key. I have not heard a peep from him while he was at work. He's off by now, still no word from him. We all know that is not like him. So by now he's pissed. Who cares...let him be pissed.
> 
> We shop over a hundred miles from where we live. He has never shopped for our D and schools starts Monday. Not a chance I can afford to take. But seriously, this time around. I feel I'm done. I'm entertaining the thought of even dating a little. This man clearly does not feel how I feel, nor deserve another opportunity from me. So no worries on the NC thing. It's a wrap for us. The boundaries will be laid tomorrow and that will be that.


Yes, let him be pissed... and make sure you continue to not hear a peep out of him. It isn't necessarily about giving up Catch (definately NO to dating, regardless), its about making this man respect and understand your feelings. HE LOVES YOU! You may not see that... HE may not even see that, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are not those of a man who doesn't want to be with his wife. He may not even consciously think "Im scared, I'm going to keep her with me at arms length".. in fact I KNOW he doesn't. But that IS the reason he doesn't want to discuss it. It has zero to do with whether he wants to be with you or not. 

One thing my H said to me that I haven't mentioned before, but I believe is as relevant in your situation as it was in mine... he enjoyed being in HIS apartment because it was HIS. Both you and I were overbearing, reactionary and sometimes down right mean. That eats at a man like nothing else, since respect of their spouse is one of the top needs that they have. It made my H feel small and he regained his self respect through his making a home of his own. That is why he feels so comfortable in his own home (plus the fact he/they feel they can stand up to you IF you disrespect him in HIS home)... so the fact that he follows you to yours when you aren't with him speaks volumes.

However, like I said before, men are relatively simple creatures. They go for easy. If they have what they want in the situation they are in, there is no need to give more. HE DOES NOT REALIZE IT. Going NC, in your case, is NOT necessarily to prepare for the future. It is to stand up for your feelings and for your needs and make him see... this is life without me. This is what you are giving up. He will have to make a choice to either face the fear of being with you or the fear of being without you. I'd bet 90% of my net worth (still have to live if i'm wrong ) on him choosing with you. He's already conquered his fears by restarting a relationship with you, he's just protecting himself by pretending he hasn't. He will realize how invested he is when you aren't there... trust me, he will.

Edit: My net worth is like $10 bucks. The 10% is to ensure i can afford my morning slurpee... I'm addicted :rofl:


----------



## whitehawk

Afraid so Catch , well , apart from the men are relatively simple creatures part, there's only one way to either wake this guy up once and for all or get the closure to move on once and for all.

l can tell you that if you saw , what my x went through to end us , say one thing , l couldn't have done it !

There's only one sentence you need at this point Catch and if that's in the middle of a raging blue then that's just how it's gonna be.

l am not living this bs any longer !
Even throw in a fk you if you want , mine threw in plenty of those!


----------



## NotEZ

whitehawk said:


> Afraid so Catch , well , apart from the men are relatively simple creatures part, there's only one way to either wake this guy up once and for all or get the closure to move on once and for all.
> 
> l can tell you that if you saw , what my x went through to end us , say one thing , l couldn't have done it !
> 
> There's only one sentence you need at this point Catch and if that's in the middle of a raging blue then that's just how it's gonna be.
> 
> l am not living this bs any longer !
> Even through in a fk you if you want , mine through in plenty !


No Catch... don't throw in an Fk U 

No offense was meant by the relatively simple creatures comment WH... probably should have said more straight forward or drama avoident


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Oh this im not thinking much into. Im pissed really. ..the nerve !! Umm you lose the perks of my grocery shopping abilities when you left this household is how im feeling. Buy your own groceries is what I want to say to him but. Not reacting ill deal with my pissed-ness over the next day or so...Besides, he said im making him fat remember? Not that he's eating in excessive amounts here lately, but that I cook so good. Im coming to think about a lot these days. A LOT.



Funny to me !


----------



## whitehawk

NotEZ said:


> No Catch... don't throw in an Fk U
> 
> No offense was meant by the relatively simple creatures comment WH... probably should have said more straight forward or drama avoident



Hey first l laughed and gave it a like , then l realized drama avoident .
Nailed it , we do not like drama :smthumbup:


----------



## NotEZ

whitehawk said:


> Hey first l laughed and gave it a like , then l realized drama avoident .
> Nailed it , we do not like drama :smthumbup:


Yeah, should probably remove the "straight forward" part all together. Don't think Catch would agree with that and, come to think of it, neither do I lol.

Drama Avoidant it is.


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Oh this im not thinking much into. Im pissed really. ..the nerve !! Umm you lose the perks of my grocery shopping abilities when you left this household is how im feeling. Buy your own groceries is what I want to say to him but. Not reacting ill deal with my pissed-ness over the next day or so...Besides, he said im making him fat remember? Not that he's eating in excessive amounts here lately, but that I cook so good. Im coming to think about a lot these days. A LOT.


I agree Catch  To me it is a biggie because I don't work and I only go shopping once a week. He's not done this for a while though because I made it a boundary.
When he first left, he took the coffee with him. When I questioned him over this, he said I don't drink coffee anyway! I did say what about the visitors and how embarrassed I was when someone came round to look after my son and I had no tea or coffee in the house.
Anyway I replaced the coffee with a cheap brand. H came round and said what's this sh*t. I said oh that's just for visitors as I don't drink coffee, lol. He's now got his favourite brand of coffee back at my house, I caved in eventually, lol.


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Thanks lost . Yeah l've never been concerned with 180 big stuff , it's basically a no brainer that whatever name you wanna give it sooner or later we have to stop , think and reverse ourselves , the situation , for ourselves.
> 
> But, the little intricacies aren't so easy see.
> Like should l have gone , why did she ask me, was it a door ?
> She couldn't ask om , that a/holes not aloud near my d let alone 12 hrs on her bd.
> So was it just about the bd - or more ?
> 
> Or like do you ask if om is still around , or not ? Well 1 , no l'm not asking my x wife about her new love life - shove it !
> But 2 , hell they'd probly lie anyway even if it was dead or they look like a fool so !
> 
> Or , for my situation - is this treatment right for mine, mines different ?
> For mine 180 would just mean more of the EXACT thing minus the EA anyway , that split us up . That seems stupid !
> A 180 as l said , if they screwed around or just ran off , yeah ok.
> But to give my X more of the same treatment which is basically what a full 180 will do - isn't that just going to prove her decision right to her ? She needs somehow , to see she was wrong about me not confirm she was right , surely!
> 
> In fact l wouldn't even be sure for you lost either . Look at it - you were living like friends and you said to yourself to hell with this and started doing your own thing right. But that's exactly what's going on again now !
> So to me that's only going to prove to him you guys are a dead duck and he made the right decision. That stuffs not gonna change his mind anytime soon , no way.
> If that was you that walked lost for all the same reasons, what would you need to see to make you realize you were wrong and want to go back ?
> 
> And it's other things to like , what if they are reaching out to you , you 180 them , you've hurt them a lot in the past , they think to hell with this [email protected] !
> See in one way , anything good could be used as a possible tiny new start , maybe it's even a test from her , l've suspected that heaps of times.
> lt's the little things where this all gets that tricky.
> 
> Anyway , l' much clearer on the little things in this and thanks for that.
> Spose l should've said yes to the trip but not if om is still around.
> Anyway , spose if it was about us for her l gave legit reasons for not going and your probly right , maybe she tries again.
> 
> For me l need closure now .
> Either she's thinking and some of the stuff from her are little tests and if l make the most of them we may be able to move from there
> Or , they mean nothing , just this good friend bs for my d , she's not even considering R and l can move on once and for all .
> Of course l could just ask , but it's like the om stuff , l just can't do it.
> 
> ps , really interesting what you said about the touching lost . l had that exact scenario the other night and l used it and cuffed her hip = she looked down and stepped away from the touch.
> l could of kicked myself !


Glad you're starting to see how this 180 works WH  I'm hoping that H forgets about the living as friends thing and wants to come back to be a family again. He came back once this year after being away for a week and we started back to being lovers again. I guess though it was too little too late for him and he left after a few weeks again.
I'm hoping that by improving on the other things that got on his nerves then he might want to make it work again. I've started cleaning and tidying the house and I'm going to start hanging around the house more instead of always being out and about all the time. 180s isn't just about them you know, it's about making yourself a better person and a spouse that your partner can be proud of 
I do think though WH, that you should focus less on the negative (oh I give up!) and more on the positive (I'm not giving in, I'm going to be the best that I can be!).
Got to go now, I'm off to a fun day to celebrate the new royal arrival


----------



## whitehawk

Do you mean not giving up on x , lost?
As I said awhile back , if l feel she's done l'm of to my life but , my door may be a little open though until my life says otherwise.
As for me , l've been looking after me day one and refuse to live in x hope but l can do that and keep one eye and ear open as l go.

her distance does seem to be getting worse though since l started backing away more and l think she's at least seeing om again 1 or 2 days a wk, not sure on what basis though.
Often though she seems like a stranger again now just lately , l wouldn't even know what l thought of that person let a lone R with her .
l often think to myself when l see her lately, do l even like her or know her anymore anyway. l sort of couldn't even imagine being with who she's been through a lot of this .
So even if she did turn up wanting to R , I'd have to get to know her again first right now , see if I even like her.
Sometimes l see some of the old her , girl l loved , not very often though.

Anyway good for you on your plan for you guys lost and you just never do know.

I don't have one anymore for x , just me and my d .


----------



## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Do you mean not giving up on x , lost?
> As I said awhile back , if l feel she's done l'm of to my life but , my door may be a little open though until my life says otherwise.
> As for me , l've been looking after me day one and refuse to live in x hope but l can do that and keep one eye and ear open as l go.
> 
> her distance does seem to be getting worse though since l started backing away more and l think she's at least seeing om again 1 or 2 days a wk, not sure on what basis though.
> Often though she seems like a stranger again now just lately , l wouldn't even know what l thought of that person let a lone R with her .
> l often think to myself when l see her lately, do l even like her or know her anymore anyway. l sort of couldn't even imagine being with who she's been through a lot of this .
> So even if she did turn up wanting to R , I'd have to get to know her again first right now , see if I even like her.
> Sometimes l see some of the old her , girl l loved , not very often though.
> 
> Anyway good for you on your plan for you guys lost and you just never do know.
> 
> I don't have one anymore for x , just me and my d .


Take it from an old hand at this, this relationship she's having with OM won't last. Do you know anyone who knows your W that you can discreetly find out about whether she is seeing the OM?
I agree that if she ever wants a R then it will have to be taken slowly. Me and my H rushed back into things and now I look back I know that wasn't the right way to handle it. 
Our spouses have a different way of looking at things though, they don't tend to put themselves into our shoes. The WAS is very selfish, just thinking of what's best for themselves.
It's up to you whether you want to give up or not, if you still love her then don't give up  I suggest though that you look more at the divorce busting forum, it's choc full of people with a PMA and they will lift you up when you are feeling down


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Yes, let him be pissed... and make sure you continue to not hear a peep out of him. It isn't necessarily about giving up Catch (definately NO to dating, regardless), its about making this man respect and understand your feelings. HE LOVES YOU! You may not see that... HE may not even see that, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are not those of a man who doesn't want to be with his wife. He may not even consciously think "Im scared, I'm going to keep her with me at arms length".. in fact I KNOW he doesn't. But that IS the reason he doesn't want to discuss it. It has zero to do with whether he wants to be with you or not.
> 
> One thing my H said to me that I haven't mentioned before, but I believe is as relevant in your situation as it was in mine... he enjoyed being in HIS apartment because it was HIS. Both you and I were overbearing, reactionary and sometimes down right mean. That eats at a man like nothing else, since respect of their spouse is one of the top needs that they have. It made my H feel small and he regained his self respect through his making a home of his own. That is why he feels so comfortable in his own home (plus the fact he/they feel they can stand up to you IF you disrespect him in HIS home)... so the fact that he follows you to yours when you aren't with him speaks volumes.
> 
> However, like I said before, men are relatively simple creatures. They go for easy. If they have what they want in the situation they are in, there is no need to give more. HE DOES NOT REALIZE IT. Going NC, in your case, is NOT necessarily to prepare for the future. It is to stand up for your feelings and for your needs and make him see... this is life without me. This is what you are giving up. He will have to make a choice to either face the fear of being with you or the fear of being without you. I'd bet 90% of my net worth (still have to live if i'm wrong ) on him choosing with you. He's already conquered his fears by restarting a relationship with you, he's just protecting himself by pretending he hasn't. He will realize how invested he is when you aren't there... trust me, he will.
> 
> Edit: My net worth is like $10 bucks. The 10% is to ensure i can afford my morning slurpee... I'm addicted :rofl:


I re read your post over and over last night. So one I can proudly say , I didn't go on the shopping trip. Her school has a very strict dress code. So i told her if anything was in question to text me a pic and ill let her know.

Now he did come in. I said Look I do not think it wise for you to keep coming in and out. He said why not ? It's still my house too (with a big azz grin on his face...uggghhh !) I almost reacted. I said ,give me the same space and respect that im giving you and jusy don't please. He looked at me and walked away. Oh yeah i forgot mention he did try to call me after he got off work. I was up, but didn't answer. They are back from shopping and my D ha s left with him. I overheard my son ask to go so that hev can get something he left at H moms house. H said I'll be back over here In a little while i'll bring it with me. I didn't say anything. Because he dang near whispered it to o But i know the test of my not reacting is up next on the menu. I know this is coming...I've been here before with this dude. So do i let an all out argument jump off ? This is what i would go through when we were still living together. Him refusing to let me shut him out. This man has climbed in windows before...seriously. he's not violent but he's very persistent. Will joke, play, from whatever to get ax rise out o f me. How can i handle what i know is coming differently?

Dating I know is a big no no. I'm just trying to be as open here i can. It's the only way to get accurate advice I think. But it has crossed my mind...a lot. Im just ready to be happy again .This is really the only relationship I've been in. Think about it 19 yrs and I'm only 35... i have no plans to act on it. It's just a thought.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Oh yeah jusy wanted to add NotEz that what you're telling me makes perfect sense.....I'm listening and learning. Thanks so very much


----------



## lostwithouthim

NotEZ said:


> One thing my H said to me that I haven't mentioned before, but I believe is as relevant in your situation as it was in mine... he enjoyed being in HIS apartment because it was HIS. Both you and I were overbearing, reactionary and sometimes down right mean. That eats at a man like nothing else, since respect of their spouse is one of the top needs that they have. It made my H feel small and he regained his self respect through his making a home of his own. That is why he feels so comfortable in his own home (plus the fact he/they feel they can stand up to you IF you disrespect him in HIS home)... so the fact that he follows you to yours when you aren't with him speaks volumes.


I missed your original post Notez as when I got up this morning, you lot had been busy as usual, lol. I agree with everything you say regarding his own place. I realise now that I had the upper hand when he was living here as well. I was always the one who made arrangements if we went anywhere, but towards the end of last year and the beginning of this year, H didn't want to go anywhere. I'm beginning to think it was because he didn't like where I wanted to go to and started digging his heels in. He does suffer from depression as well, so maybe that's got something to do with it.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Afraid so Catch , well , apart from the men are relatively simple creatures part, there's only one way to either wake this guy up once and for all or get the closure to move on once and for all.
> 
> l can tell you that if you saw , what my x went through to end us , say one thing , l couldn't have done it !
> 
> There's only one sentence you need at this point Catch and if that's in the middle of a raging blue then that's just how it's gonna be.
> 
> l am not living this bs any longer !
> Even throw in a fk you if you want , mine threw in plenty of those!


I've come too far WH...lol if I go that far oooowwweeee, that's not a cute sight..lol


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> I re read your post over and over last night. So one I can proudly say , I didn't go on the shopping trip. Her school has a very strict dress code. So i told her if anything was in question to text me a pic and ill let her know.
> 
> Now he did come in. I said Look I do not think it wise for you to keep coming in and out. He said why not ? It's still my house too (with a big azz grin on his face...uggghhh !) I almost reacted. I said ,give me the same space and respect that im giving you and jusy don't please. He looked at me and walked away. Oh yeah i forgot mention he did try to call me after he got off work. I was up, but didn't answer. They are back from shopping and my D ha s left with him. I overheard my son ask to go so that hev can get something he left at H moms house. H said I'll be back over here In a little while i'll bring it with me. I didn't say anything. Because he dang near whispered it to o But i know the test of my not reacting is up next on the menu. I know this is coming...I've been here before with this dude. So do i let an all out argument jump off ? This is what i would go through when we were still living together. Him refusing to let me shut him out. This man has climbed in windows before...seriously. he's not violent but he's very persistent. Will joke, play, from whatever to get ax rise out o f me. How can i handle what i know is coming differently?
> 
> Dating I know is a big no no. I'm just trying to be as open here i can. It's the only way to get accurate advice I think. But it has crossed my mind...a lot. Im just ready to be happy again .This is really the only relationship I've been in. Think about it 19 yrs and I'm only 35... i have no plans to act on it. It's just a thought.


No, you do not let an argument jump off, but I think you already knew the answer to that one lol. Let him be persistent... he is going to do what he is going to do. You are going to do what you do... DON'T LET HIM SEE YOU REACT. No matter how obnoxious he is, no matter what he throws at you (figuratively speaking), no reacting, no arguing, no questioning... and no waivering from your position... you are not ok with the way you have been living. 

Again, you aren't being mean. Be your friendly self the times you do talk to him but you need to stop being a wife to him in order for him to realize he wants you to be his wife again. That is the entire point of this. It is hard, trust me, I know... but so is limbo.

And I hear you with the dating thing... yet another thing we are so similar in. 16 years for H and I and I'm only 30. Needless to say, I'm lacking in dating experience as well.


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> Oh yeah jusy wanted to add NotEz that what you're telling me makes perfect sense.....I'm listening and learning. Thanks so very much


Well I sure hope it turns out to be good advice. I only have my experience to go on so I'm hoping the similarities in our situations continue right through to R.


----------



## NotEZ

lostwithouthim said:


> I missed your original post Notez as when I got up this morning, you lot had been busy as usual, lol. I agree with everything you say regarding his own place. I realise now that I had the upper hand when he was living here as well. I was always the one who made arrangements if we went anywhere, but towards the end of last year and the beginning of this year, H didn't want to go anywhere. I'm beginning to think it was because he didn't like where I wanted to go to and started digging his heels in. He does suffer from depression as well, so maybe that's got something to do with it.


It amazes me how much we don't recognize these things while they are happening. We just live without ever giving it a thought until we are forced too. Thats the one positive that comes out of these situations... we are forced to see what we were blinded too before. And in the end it makes us better people and better partners, whether that is to our current spouses or the next one.


----------



## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Take it from an old hand at this, this relationship she's having with OM won't last. Do you know anyone who knows your W that you can discreetly find out about whether she is seeing the OM?
> I agree that if she ever wants a R then it will have to be taken slowly. Me and my H rushed back into things and now I look back I know that wasn't the right way to handle it.
> Our spouses have a different way of looking at things though, they don't tend to put themselves into our shoes. The WAS is very selfish, just thinking of what's best for themselves.
> It's up to you whether you want to give up or not, if you still love her then don't give up  I suggest though that you look more at the divorce busting forum, it's choc full of people with a PMA and they will lift you up when you are feeling down


Thanks lost and sorry you've become the old hand at this bs but hey , one reason l'm hanging in a girls thread is because x is a female to :scratchhead: so you guys are gonna get her better and hey , l scored an old hand too - bonus 
Yeah it's all about them isn't it , unbelievable !
l could easily find out about om but l'm not in a too bad a place now finally. But that stuff will just upset me and bring me down all over again so whatever , not going there.
lf l was waiting round baited breath for R yeah l'd wanna know but l'm not. 
The don't give up , yeah that's a strange one through this because it depends who and what your seeing doesn't it.
So 1 , X is a different person so who would l even be not giving up on if I went that way , not even sure of her anyway , or what I even think of her .
And two , really , l haven't seen anything from her that makes me think l shouldn't give up. Unless that trip invite was a door but apart from that , there's no signs at all she's even thinking R anyway that l can see.
So l do really appreciate your attitude and staying faith lost and l really hope it pays for you . But at my end , l haven't seen any reason to have that faith in X tight through so life has to be about me and d.
l refuse to let it go on about X when there's nothing from her anyway and hey , hell she's probably even seeing an om- to hell with that bs .

l hope your right about om though , people don't deserve a new love so easily when they destroy their family to get it , they just don't .
But they do say those rarely work out don't they dunno , got a feeling she still feels she's found "the one "
well over 10 mths since they met , would've liked it to have blown up long agao personally .They are the oddest pair you'd ever see though so - but hey that doesn't mean much.
If l did wanna R be just my luck they get engage , wouldn't surprise me at all actually.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> I've come too far WH...lol if I go that far oooowwweeee, that's not a cute sight..lol



Fair enough Catch l get that but the concept l mean, it has to be in your mind and stay in there, your resolve.
The way Not described it all in more detail is the ground you have to hold really.
See the thing is , way you talk about how he to keeps going at you , he doesn't take you seriously in all this. He thinks whatever you say or do or he does , he can just act as if it didn't happen , pop up, come and go , grab some sex , meals, your company , anything , get you talking again , whatever , and it all just blows away.
l reckon you said and did things in what you were just saying , in a really nice way Catch , fireworks are usually just so damn destructive and draing aren't they.

The thing is , however you do it you really have to stand your ground from here on , that's what will make him realize it's time he takes this [email protected] seriously . lt's only consistency , no wavering , OOO SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH OF MY BS , that will get him treating this and taking it with respect.
lf a guy knows he can just bring her around again anytime he wants like he does , he'll just do what he wants with it.

When a girl is really done , he can't do that though, believe me if she's really standing her ground , none of that [email protected] works and that's when we know it's inm trouble .
But you waver so easily , even the sex , not on Catch , he knows he can just bring you around and then go on his merry way.
No can do , it'll just keep going like this until you either get back full or one meets someone else.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> No, you do not let an argument jump off, but I think you already knew the answer to that one lol. Let him be persistent... he is going to do what he is going to do. You are going to do what you do... DON'T LET HIM SEE YOU REACT. No matter how obnoxious he is, no matter what he throws at you (figuratively speaking), no reacting, no arguing, no questioning... and no waivering from your position... you are not ok with the way you have been living.
> 
> Again, you aren't being mean. Be your friendly self the times you do talk to him but you need to stop being a wife to him in order for him to realize he wants you to be his wife again. That is the entire point of this. It is hard, trust me, I know... but so is limbo.
> 
> And I hear you with the dating thing... yet another thing we are so similar in. 16 years for H and I and I'm only 30. Needless to say, I'm lacking in dating experience as well.


Dammit NotEZ !! I just wanna hug ya ! You really are like a answer to my prayers. You really do totally understand what im going through. He has sent 4 texts asking me if i'm coming over. I have yet to reply. Haven't answered but one phone call (he and the kids were out of town...so hey . But it was short. Where to get the gym shorts our S needs. Short and to the point.
So im there..just trying to hold strong and firm.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Fair enough Catch l get that but the concept l mean, it has to be in your mind and stay in there, your resolve.
> The way Not described it all in more detail is the ground you have to hold really.
> See the thing is , way you talk about how he to keeps going at you , he doesn't take you seriously in all this. He thinks whatever you say or do or he does , he can just act as if it didn't happen , pop up, come and go , grab some sex , meals, your company , anything , get you talking again , whatever , and it all just blows away.
> l reckon you said and did things in what you were just saying , in a really nice way Catch , fireworks are usually just so damn destructive and draing aren't they.
> 
> The thing is , however you do it you really have to stand your ground from here on , that's what will make him realize it's time he takes this [email protected] seriously . lt's only consistency , no wavering , OOO SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH OF MY BS , that will get him treating this and taking it with respect.
> lf a guy knows he can just bring her around again anytime he wants like he does , he'll just do what he wants with it.
> 
> When a girl is really done , he can't do that though, believe me if she's really standing her ground , none of that [email protected] works and that's when we know it's inm trouble .
> But you waver so easily , even the sex , not on Catch , he knows he can just bring you around and then go on his merry way.
> No can do , it'll just keep going like this until you either get back full or one meets someone else.


Thanks WH.. i needed that as well. The other side of the spectrum so to speak. The sex is really the hardest part. I don't know how much I can stress this. It's not even H sex so to speak..its just uggggggghhhhhh !! In light of what I said earlier about dating. In light of what I said about me being a fairly attractive 35 yr old female, in light of me telling you about all im going through. Its hard not to fall in the "grass is greener" syndrome. So there have been times throughout this , that that "need" I have. I am now for the first time have to seriously discipline myself. I truly feel that I know what men go through on a daily basis when constantly presented distractions and stuff is crazy at home. I do. 

But first time for everything. ..I got no choice.


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## Finding Nemo

WH, you hit the nail on the head earlier with your post about how my husband pretty much was not even trying to meet any of my needs or allowing me to meet any of his. He was so busy getting "fed" what he needed while he was at work -- where he spends a lot of his time. He wasn't just working, he was either chatting it up with OW or surfing around on dating and porn sites. It did eventually make me angry. It made me angry because he was accusing me of not trying to meet his needs, but how could I when he wasn't "hungry" so to speak when he got home.

WH, I am so glad that you posted when you did because I have a conversation that I am supposed to have with my husband be it via email, phone conversation or in person. It won't be in person because I never see the guy. He was supposed to stop by to take our daughter out yesterday when he was finished working on his community service work. He never called, sent a text or anything. I am trying to be patient with him as his deadline to having all of his time put in is getting rather close so he hasn't been keeping our daughter over the weekends. But, he was getting her on Friday nights. This weekend he put in some time Friday night and by the time he got home and showered it was really too late for them to be able to do anything together. I don't know what the excuse was for last night. I have to work at my second job today and it's in another city so he won't be able to see her today. She will be with me and there is no way I can be in two places at once in order for him to get her and bring her back to me. He says he really gets depressed when he doesn't get to see her. He says he gets lonely. If he's gets so lonely and depressed, then why doesn't he take the time to at least call her? I don't understand this form of logic. :scratchhead: I miss my daughter so badly when she is with him that it doesn't bother me in the least bit to send her a funny text message or something if I want to share something with her. And I text her to tell her goodnight and say I love you. 

I really do not look forward to this conversation and knowing how past conversations have gone, I am prepared for things to head south, but I am going to write it with positive thoughts and intentions and I am going to believe that with him knowing what I have to say it is going to give more clarity in his decision making processes. He is going to be in for a big shock when he goes to his class tomorrow and finds out that my / our old counselor wants to talk to him as well. She doesn't want to counsel him - although if the courts would allow for it, she would. I am not 100% for sure what she wants to talk to him about, but I am pretty sure that she wants to work on him a bit so that he stops saying that he is afraid of me and so that he stops blaming for me something that someone else did -- referring to his friend who returned home and the wife called the police on him and put him back into jail that same day. That was not me and it was not him. We do not know all of the details of what went on in that marriage, but it wasn't our marriage so I should not be paying the price for it. 

Also, I am pretty sure she wants to work on him a bit because of all of the wish washy stuff he says and does. The latest one is where I told you guys about what happened a few days ago when he was sitting in the car and allowed me to stand between his legs. She says these are all baby steps and it's okay to be patient while he is making his baby steps. But, what it the motivation behind making the baby steps. You don't get to say that I am afraid of you and then allow me to get so close to you that I could rip your [email protected]#4 off without a reason. I am pretty sure she wants to know that reason even if it means that she can't tell me. I seriously doubt that he will talk to her on his own. That's why she went through his counselor / director of his classes and other counseling. She wants to be able to help me, but she is also extremely fair to the other people who are involved in a relationship / situation and she likes to hear everyone's opinion and what they are thinking so that she can help make better assessments of what's going on. 

With our anniversary coming up on Saturday and that being the day that he was going to start making decisions she wants me to get this letter written and to him before then so that it is weighing on his mind. I am supposed to be writing what she calls a clarity letter. We have never discussed what happened that has brought us to the point of him living in one place and our daughter and I living in another. She wants me to tell him where I was at in my head and she wants me to try and explain to him that I never stopped wanting him or loving him. He was too busy with everyone else in the world to see what he had waiting for him at home. I hope WH doesn't mind if I borrow a few of his words because I can't think of a better way to be clear and concise about how things were for me at the time of the falling out of my marriage.

While I am talking about our anniversary and making decisions, I know that my husband won't be coming home. The reason that I know this is because he is a lot more comfortable in his apartment than was previously was expressed to me. I was told he only has a handful of things in his apartment, but that isn't totally true any more. While he doesn't have a lot, he has all of the comforts of what a home should have. He had gone to visit his aunt who was having hip surgery and she gave him a bunch of dishes, a TV and various things. This is the reason that he hasn't bothered to take anything from our home. He told me he has no room for anything -- of course not. Your apartment is only as big as the kitchen and dining room of our home and it's already full of stuff. I have to look at this logically and say that he has only taking things that were *the* *most* important to him. I have asked him to take his tool box - this is the one that baffles me. He is always needed a tool for something and last time he was here he took some allen wrenches with him. Why take just that? Take the whole damn thing and get it over with already because even that one tiny allen wrench set upset and hurt me pretty badly. 

As much as I wanted to, I wasn't able to ignore my husband last week as he called me at least every other day for something or another. It was mostly about our daughter, but he never gets off of the phone -- 3 hundred minutes on a cell phone were used in a 5 day week talking to him. Him initiating the phone calls. I am going to try and be as distant as I can this week. If he calls me, I will be nice and have conversation with him. But, I won't be the first one to call, text, etc. Last week I dropped our daughter off at his work because I was working in the area near his work. I didn't have dance class so I thought I would be nice to him since he had told me the previous night he was having a frustrating time at work. I think he is baffled as to why I don't wait around for him in the lobby. Once I know he is on his way through the building to pick up our daughter I leave and I don't say a word. He doesn't talk to me when he does see me at his work, so it's better if I just leave and avoid feeling like I am an alien or something. This week I do have dance class so I won't be going near his work. He already knows I love him and I want to be with him. He has to make some effort, too. Which I kind of think he has been doing - but I am so confused I am not sure. 

I am off to try and get this letter written and sent off as soon as possible. Then I will go on with life just as I have been trying to do and I will be kind and gentle with myself. 

I wish everyone a day full of blessing...


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## lostwithouthim

*He is always needed a tool for something and last time he was here he took some allen wrenches with him. Why take just that? Take the whole damn thing and get it over with already because even that one tiny allen wrench set upset and hurt me pretty badly.*

Yes I know this well, I've experienced the same things with my H  He didn't tell me what he was taking out of the house, I just kept finding things missing and it was just another nail in the coffin when I kept finding things missing,


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## lostwithouthim

*As much as I wanted to, I wasn't able to ignore my husband last week as he called me at least every other day for something or another. It was mostly about our daughter, but he never gets off of the phone -- 3 hundred minutes on a cell phone were used in a 5 day week talking to him. Him initiating the phone calls. I am going to try and be as distant as I can this week. If he calls me, I will be nice and have conversation with him. But, I won't be the first one to call, text, etc.*
Well done you  Also keep the phone calls brief, don't wait for him to hang up. Say I've only got 5 mins as I'm going somewhere. Don't wait for him to carry on the conversation.
*I am off to try and get this letter written and sent off as soon as possible. Then I will go on with life just as I have been trying to do and I will be kind and gentle with myself.*
Hope you write all what you want to say to him  Ask God to give you guidance when you write the letter.
*I wish everyone a day full of blessing... *
And to you too Nemo


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## catch22gofigure

Just checking in. All is well ; but this is HARD !!!


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## catch22gofigure

NotEz Here's where I'm confused. There's a thin line somewhere in this. Because how I'm doing now refusing calls is very similar to what i would do when stone walling or "having a attitude" . How will he know this is different and not me pitching a fit again ? Either way i don't care this is what I'm doing. I'm just wanting to know what iv shouldn't be doing,other than reacting ? I think i understand what i should be doing.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Just checking in. All is well ; but this is HARD !!!


Yes it will be, but you must be strong. The rewards will be worth it


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> NotEz Here's where I'm confused. There's a thin line somewhere in this. Because how I'm doing now refusing calls is very similar to what i would do when stone walling or "having a attitude" . How will he know this is different and not me pitching a fit again ? Either way i don't care this is what I'm doing. I'm just wanting to know what iv shouldn't be doing,other than reacting ? I think i understand what i should be doing.


I get confused about this also. I think in your case Catch, you've told him what you want. You've told him that you no longer want to live in limbo land, it's all or nothing, Give his some thinking space and time on his own to reflect what you've asked him. Hopefully he'll see what a silly crazy fool he has been


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## Tron

An interesting dilemma. 

You were a stonewaller?

In that case, what would you suggest to leave a door open for him to the home, but stay committed to your goal?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> An interesting dilemma.
> 
> You were a stonewaller?
> 
> In that case, what would you suggest to leave a door open for him to the home, but stay committed to your goal?


 Yes. Remember i told you i learned it in childhood. Not knowing then what it was called.he freaks out when i do this. And he's slowly winding up on a flip out. ..i see it coming from a country mile. How do i leave "the door open" and N C ?


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes. Remember i told you i learned it in childhood. Not knowing then what it was called.he freaks out when i do this. And he's slowly winding up on a flip out. ..i see it coming from a country mile. How do i leave "the door open" and N C ?


You also said you would never do that to your kids. I guess you only did it to your H?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You also said you would never do that to your kids. I guess you only did it to your H?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2


Right. I never do my kids that way. But when he would get me to that point. ..after I've had my spill...it would go right into stone walling. This mimics that to me. It's what I did when we first split.


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## catch22gofigure

Right now is the mirror phase. He mirrors to me whatever I'm doing or "reacting" to him. Next comes angry again. It'll be the "i know you don't care anything about me" and blah blah blah...so Idk how not to have him thinking this is y the same as before. If men are this simple. What's stopping him from thinking that this is the case ?


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I get confused about this also. I think in your case Catch, you've told him what you want. You've told him that you no longer want to live in limbo land, it's all or nothing, Give his some thinking space and time on his own to reflect what you've asked him. Hopefully he'll see what a silly crazy fool he has been



Yeah it'll add up to him in time don't worry bout that one .


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## whitehawk

Finding Nemo said:


> WH, you hit the nail on the head earlier with your post about how my husband pretty much was not even trying to meet any of my needs or allowing me to meet any of his. He was so busy getting "fed" what he needed while he was at work -- where he spends a lot of his time. He wasn't just working, he was either chatting it up with OW or surfing around on dating and porn sites. It did eventually make me angry. It made me angry because he was accusing me of not trying to meet his needs, but how could I when he wasn't "hungry" so to speak when he got home.
> 
> Thanks Nemo . Who knows with these people when they go this . My x has her whole life still here at the house. Her rental was furnished but still , all photos, lots of shoes, all her files , even her wedding head band, maybe her damn rings round here somewhere.
> Maybe the tools are the chick and their handbag or top or lippy or anything excuse to pop in for stuff .
> Good luck with the letter , stuffs gotta be said it's best l reckon and then they have the thoughts and can like it , lump it or take it from there but at least they have them don't you think.
> The work thing sounds suss , bragging to his mates maybe , OW , seems like he doesn't wanna show feelings there for some reason.
> Or maybe it's kickback because you don't wait , l'd wait myself , fro your d.
> Don't worry about the calls , he called you anyway so , if you need to get off or want to just say you gotta go. Shows he misses your friendship at least , l mean a wifey is your friend too. Glad he calls you.
> And l reckon to hell with fretting over any back steps, gonna happen. At the end of the day in the big picture they make no difference to these these people anyway .
> Geez he sounds a lot like Catch's . L'm thinking like me , they're enjoying their space a bit and the decision becomes tough. A lot of the girls get that way too, l can see my x is - [email protected] !.
> l'm not even sure myself now how l'd go if we were all under the same roof again. ln a way l get a better deal than her because she has my d 5 nights a wk and can't do anything yet she was the one complaining about loneliness , she's a lot more lonely now though because even if she is still seeing that om it must only be one day a wk  damn !. l have the whole wk free apart from calling my d.
> 
> Anyway good luck with the letter Nem , personally l'm a big believer in the must say what needs to be said.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Right. I never do my kids that way. But when he would get me to that point. ..after I've had my spill...it would go right into stone walling. This mimics that to me. It's what I did when we first split.



l have that same dilemma .
X thought l was ignoring her in our last yr or two that was one of her biggest things. 
And at times when l have thought R in this , yet there's all this 180 stuff , l've worried that'll just come across as more of the same and she'll feel l'm still ignoring her and that'll hit a big nerve .
Strange to if l allow us to get along now, get chatty,text, call , she does get more and more the old her again, very sort of us again but, l'm not sure in what way that is with her. 
MAYBE , she just thinks we've found our level in this existence - and we are now good friends or maybe , it's more .
But every time l back away or go a bit 180 type darkish , she backs right off and l see the new her that did all this start to surface again. she starts to get colder , much more reserved , defensive, backs right away and l 'm sure that's because it's hitting those exact old nerves of our last yr or 2 together in her.
So what do you guys make of that ?


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> *He is always needed a tool for something and last time he was here he took some allen wrenches with him. Why take just that? Take the whole damn thing and get it over with already because even that one tiny allen wrench set upset and hurt me pretty badly.*
> 
> Yes I know this well, I've experienced the same things with my H  He didn't tell me what he was taking out of the house, I just kept finding things missing and it was just another nail in the coffin when I kept finding things missing,




Can you believe he brought that tool back to me last night? I asked him again if he wanted to take the tool box with him so he wouldn't have to ask for tools any more. He said, no. He said I need tools just as much as he does so it's easier to leave them here and get them as he needs them. WHAT? Easier for who because it certainly isn't easier for me. Why is it that he has legal access to the family home and his belongings, but I have to stay as far away from the apartment as possible or I get into trouble? Talk about a double standard. Sigh...


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## Finding Nemo

whitehawk said:


> Anyway good luck with the letter Nem , personally l'm a big believer in the must say what needs to be said.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I worked on the letter but it didn't get finished. I keep getting tangled up in the words. It's coming out exactly the same way it is all muddied up in my head. I think it is the fear of losing all of the momentum that I have going right now that is blocking me from just blurting out everything. I decided to sleep on it and try again today. Now that I have to go to work and can't work on it the words are coming to me like wild fire. I'm going to carry a note book with me today so that I can write down my thoughts as they are coming to me. I get breaks between each of my stores that I visit so that will give me a chance to breathe and not lose my thoughts. I am loving my new job.
> 
> Have a wonderful day everyone.
Click to expand...


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> Can you believe he brought that tool back to me last night? I asked him again if he wanted to take the tool box with him so he wouldn't have to ask for tools any more. He said, no. He said I need tools just as much as he does so it's easier to leave them here and get them as he needs them. WHAT? Easier for who because it certainly isn't easier for me. Why is it that he has legal access to the family home and his belongings, but I have to stay as far away from the apartment as possible or I get into trouble? Talk about a double standard. Sigh...


My H still has a key and says he needs it in case of emergencies. Well that's a joke as he never answers his phone! He comes here and helps himself to tools and gardening stuff. He brings some of them back if I've noticed them missing. It's the same for me, only the reason I don't go to his place is I don't know where he lives. His home is here not at his apt so I don't particularly want to go there!


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## lostwithouthim

Finding Nemo said:


> whitehawk said:
> 
> 
> 
> I worked on the letter but it didn't get finished. I keep getting tangled up in the words. It's coming out exactly the same way it is all muddied up in my head. I think it is the fear of losing all of the momentum that I have going right now that is blocking me from just blurting out everything. I decided to sleep on it and try again today. Now that I have to go to work and can't work on it the words are coming to me like wild fire. I'm going to carry a note book with me today so that I can write down my thoughts as they are coming to me. I get breaks between each of my stores that I visit so that will give me a chance to breathe and not lose my thoughts. I am loving my new job.
> 
> Have a wonderful day everyone.
> 
> 
> 
> Glad that you're loving your job  I find it helps to write your letter on the pc on a word processor and then get a friend or your IC to read through it.
Click to expand...


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Yeah it'll add up to him in time don't worry bout that one .


Thanks you all, I sure hope this is all over soon.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> l have that same dilemma .
> X thought l was ignoring her in our last yr or two that was one of her biggest things.
> And at times when l have thought R in this , yet there's all this 180 stuff , l've worried that'll just come across as more of the same and she'll feel l'm still ignoring her and that'll hit a big nerve .
> Strange to if l allow us to get along now, get chatty,text, call , she does get more and more the old her again, very sort of us again but, l'm not sure in what way that is with her.
> MAYBE , she just thinks we've found our level in this existence - and we are now good friends or maybe , it's more .
> But every time l back away or go a bit 180 type darkish , she backs right off and l see the new her that did all this start to surface again. she starts to get colder , much more reserved , defensive, backs right away and l 'm sure that's because it's hitting those exact old nerves of our last yr or 2 together in her.
> So what do you guys make of that ?


 With me it's kinda like this. Yes, I know he loves me. Yes , I know we had some pretty jacked up times. Yes , I know that our issues can be fixed. Yes ,i'm improving me while learning to address our issues and mine. Does he often do , say, react or the lack of in a way that is far too familiar for me and makes me question do I even want to consider an R. YES !!!!!Because though it's tough at times..im getting along just fine. The kids are ok and so on and so forth. So do I even want to step back into this with someone who has even begun the journey im on for US. 
Though you've made changes. She may not see them yet. Or they may mimic how you usually resolve matters between the two of you. That's why i've told Lost some times here before. Just because he cooking and calling, and popping up and blah blah blah..that does not really mean a hill of beans to me. It does/only because I see the effort. The attention is phenomenal. However.. ...that **** is short lived. He tries hard as he can to stay in that mode. But sooner or later over the course of two weeks...a scenario will arise. One that is like something we'd argued about before. I've seen him about to flip stupid like normal and catch himself. That's what makes me back away. Not knowing if that slip up is in just human error...during your trying. Orrrrrr , is it all still there with never a desire to work on it. Not just a desire to be near me. I don't want to be with the old him ,no more than he wants to be with the old me. So that fear of the unknown is what has me demanding this time that he flat out request or verbalize his stance. Maybe there is something that will only let her get only so close to you and then withdraw.


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## Finding Nemo

A new delimma has developed here in the little padded room I call my world. I am not sure if I should be happy or scared. 

My husband called me this afternoon and I am glad that I didn't ignore his phone call. He asked me how my day was going. He was extremely quiet and I could tell he wanted to talk to me about something serious. I thought it was going to be the big "D" he wanted to talk to me about. I could not have been more wrong. He was calling to tell me that he got laid off from his work today. He has until the end of October before his last day. 

I am not sure what to think at the moment. On one hand all of our problems because of this job and OW will now be completely gone. On the second hand, my husband may end up in jail if he does not come up with something before his last day. His probation requires him to be employeed at all times and he is required to pay the bills from our family home -- keeping a roof over my head and my needs met. He can't be late paying on anything. Even if we were divorced he would still have to provide these things until the end of his probation. It's part of his punishent from the courts. He has another year before he is released from probation. 

So, he tells me that he was on his way to try and get some more hours put in for his community service and could we talk later. I asked him why he doesn't take some of his vacation time now and get the community service work completed and out of the way. That way the only thing he would have to worry about is finding another job. He told me that he was thinking about doing just that. He said he wasn't worried at the moment, but I think he was trying to be strong and brave for me. My FIL's girlfriend called me this evening and she told me that my husband is really upset and he's freaking out regardless of what he has told me.

He asked me if I am able to get insurance from my work and would I be willing to pick up the insurance for us until he could take it over again. He said that he is more worried about our daughter being covered than any one else. We are lucky in this case because my work just asked me if I wanted insurance. I am going to call tomorrow to see what I can do about getting us all three covered. 

Now, as I was saying earlier today, I am supposed to be writing a letter to my husband. I don't even know what to say now. He's going to be so witchy and stressed out that I don't think he is going to be in the right frame of mind to read what I have to say. I want to ask him to come home so that we can save up some money in case he isn't able to get the same level of job that he has now. I can cover some things for us, but there is no way that I am going to be able to cover everything let alone a second apartment and all the bills associated with it. And there is no way in heck that I am going to cover bills so that he can hang out on the internet searching for his new girlfriend or who ever. 

My husband is going to be taking our daughter down to visit with FIL's girlfriend on Wednesday and she will be back home on Saturday. FIL's girlfriend recommended that I try and have a conversation with my husband and ask him to come home. She told me to try and come up with some sort of compromise where I promise him that there will be no serious conversations about anything and that he may come and go just as if he lived in his apartment -- she said to state to him that I know that he is scared of going to jail, but he is going to have to trust me just like he trusting in me to help financially. He must have some sort of trust in me, some sort of caring, some sort of something for him to call me up and share this dilemma with me. He didn't even call his dad until after he talked to me. Which leads me to believe I am the first person outside of his work that he told what was going on. 

Maybe I can use our anniversary as some leverage and say that we have to start taking care of some serious business here or else we are all going to end up on the street homeless. So, why can't we work on some sort of compromise? 

Lost, I know you said you have some experience in this -- how did you deal with it? WH, Tron, anything you can recommend that I can use to my advantage? 

One good thing about this -- I am pretty sure I can rest easy about the big "D" because we won't be able to afford it for a reallly long time from now. Maybe this is the event that we needed to happen in order for us to start working together and get us back under one roof so we can work on becoming a better family together. 

Please remember my family in your thoughts and prayers.


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## lostwithouthim

*Lost, I know you said you have some experience in this -- how did you deal with it? WH, Tron, anything you can recommend that I can use to my advantage?*

I'm not sure what I've had experience in. The only experience I've had is my H having an affair and I'm not sure how this will apply in this case.
I wouldn't send the letter now, it's probably not relevant anyway. I don't think your SIL is right in thinking he might want to come home, you can ask him if you feel confident enough though  In the early months of H going I asked him if he could just come and live as friends as he was struggling for money. His answer was no, it wouldn't be fair on my son. With you though it is a different scenario, how do you think he would react? I think using your anniversary as leverage is a good idea  Are you going out for a meal or having some couple time?
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but forget about the letter now and try and work out what he wants


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> With me it's kinda like this. Yes, I know he loves me. Yes , I know we had some pretty jacked up times. Yes , I know that our issues can be fixed. Yes ,i'm improving me while learning to address our issues and mine. Does he often do , say, react or the lack of in a way that is far too familiar for me and makes me question do I even want to consider an R. YES !!!!!Because though it's tough at times..im getting along just fine. The kids are ok and so on and so forth. So do I even want to step back into this with someone who has even begun the journey im on for US.
> Though you've made changes. She may not see them yet. Or they may mimic how you usually resolve matters between the two of you. That's why i've told Lost some times here before. Just because he cooking and calling, and popping up and blah blah blah..that does not really mean a hill of beans to me. It does/only because I see the effort. The attention is phenomenal. However.. ...that **** is short lived. He tries hard as he can to stay in that mode. But sooner or later over the course of two weeks...a scenario will arise. One that is like something we'd argued about before. I've seen him about to flip stupid like normal and catch himself. That's what makes me back away. Not knowing if that slip up is in just human error...during your trying. Orrrrrr , is it all still there with never a desire to work on it. Not just a desire to be near me. I don't want to be with the old him ,no more than he wants to be with the old me. So that fear of the unknown is what has me demanding this time that he flat out request or verbalize his stance. Maybe there is something that will only let her get only so close to you and then withdraw.



Thanks Catch , yeah that makes sense .
Wirg us it's reverse ,l want the old her . This new her is what sent me of in the first place over our last yrs , l don't like that person much at all.
Her , she'd want the old me to only fixed up :scratchhead:
No more frostbite , snappiness , patience back again and tlc'ing her , spend time with her again - lots of early nights together 
She's been pretty impressed with what she can see l know , she's even sent me long text about it- and my fathering .

Sometimes it feels like a sympathetic pat on the fkg head though to be honest.


----------



## whitehawk

Finding Nemo said:


> A new delimma has developed here in the little padded room I call my world. I am not sure if I should be happy or scared.
> 
> My husband called me this afternoon and I am glad that I didn't ignore his phone call. He asked me how my day was going. He was extremely quiet and I could tell he wanted to talk to me about something serious. I thought it was going to be the big "D" he wanted to talk to me about. I could not have been more wrong. He was calling to tell me that he got laid off from his work today. He has until the end of October before his last day.
> 
> I am not sure what to think at the moment. On one hand all of our problems because of this job and OW will now be completely gone. On the second hand, my husband may end up in jail if he does not come up with something before his last day. His probation requires him to be employeed at all times and he is required to pay the bills from our family home -- keeping a roof over my head and my needs met. He can't be late paying on anything. Even if we were divorced he would still have to provide these things until the end of his probation. It's part of his punishent from the courts. He has another year before he is released from probation.
> 
> So, he tells me that he was on his way to try and get some more hours put in for his community service and could we talk later. I asked him why he doesn't take some of his vacation time now and get the community service work completed and out of the way. That way the only thing he would have to worry about is finding another job. He told me that he was thinking about doing just that. He said he wasn't worried at the moment, but I think he was trying to be strong and brave for me. My FIL's girlfriend called me this evening and she told me that my husband is really upset and he's freaking out regardless of what he has told me.
> 
> 
> Please remember my family in your thoughts and prayers.



Sorry about hubbies sitch Nem , he would be stressed to the max don't worry about that one .
He does value you and the olld h/w friendship fore sure .
l don't get this meet your needs stuff , what needs you aren't together , sounds like they've made him more than compensate . What does he get anything?

Anyway the letter , it'd have to go on hold now Nem , he couldn't handle anything else . Unless you want to just give him something supportive. Anything much else , you guys in depth , the sitch or probs or pressure , he's got much bigger immediate probs now .

But so is there still an ow Nem and do you really think he is scanning for a new women ?

My x often talks about problems or work stuff , you know like couples do , we use to , that's how your h is. Same as her other stuff though l'm often just in thoughts as she does of like - and your talking to " me " about this because ???


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## lostwithouthim

Well.... What a morning I've had and it's not 11 o'clock yet! Lol. Me and my son were just about to get the bus into the next town when H rang. He asked if we were at home and I said we were just going to catch the bus. He picked us up and ran us to the next town. We were a bit early so we went to the coffee shop. We then dropped off my son to his friend's house and walked back into town. I was dreading being alone with H in case he had another bomb to drop on me, but nothing was said. We looked around the shops and bought out own shopping, then H dropped me off at my appointment to sort out some financial stuff. He's picking us up later to take us back home again. He's going back to my house now to look at the conservatory roof. I mentioned about going to the cinema on Thursday, but he doesn't know what he's doing yet. It was nice to spend a bit of time with H especially as he didn't upset me! Like you all said, it's better to be friends at first than not at all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> A new delimma has developed here in the little padded room I call my world. I am not sure if I should be happy or scared.
> 
> My husband called me this afternoon and I am glad that I didn't ignore his phone call. He asked me how my day was going. He was extremely quiet and I could tell he wanted to talk to me about something serious. I thought it was going to be the big "D" he wanted to talk to me about. I could not have been more wrong. He was calling to tell me that he got laid off from his work today. He has until the end of October before his last day.
> 
> I am not sure what to think at the moment. On one hand all of our problems because of this job and OW will now be completely gone. On the second hand, my husband may end up in jail if he does not come up with something before his last day. His probation requires him to be employeed at all times and he is required to pay the bills from our family home -- keeping a roof over my head and my needs met. He can't be late paying on anything. Even if we were divorced he would still have to provide these things until the end of his probation. It's part of his punishent from the courts. He has another year before he is released from probation.
> 
> So, he tells me that he was on his way to try and get some more hours put in for his community service and could we talk later. I asked him why he doesn't take some of his vacation time now and get the community service work completed and out of the way. That way the only thing he would have to worry about is finding another job. He told me that he was thinking about doing just that. He said he wasn't worried at the moment, but I think he was trying to be strong and brave for me. My FIL's girlfriend called me this evening and she told me that my husband is really upset and he's freaking out regardless of what he has told me.
> 
> He asked me if I am able to get insurance from my work and would I be willing to pick up the insurance for us until he could take it over again. He said that he is more worried about our daughter being covered than any one else. We are lucky in this case because my work just asked me if I wanted insurance. I am going to call tomorrow to see what I can do about getting us all three covered.
> 
> Now, as I was saying earlier today, I am supposed to be writing a letter to my husband. I don't even know what to say now. He's going to be so witchy and stressed out that I don't think he is going to be in the right frame of mind to read what I have to say. I want to ask him to come home so that we can save up some money in case he isn't able to get the same level of job that he has now. I can cover some things for us, but there is no way that I am going to be able to cover everything let alone a second apartment and all the bills associated with it. And there is no way in heck that I am going to cover bills so that he can hang out on the internet searching for his new girlfriend or who ever.
> 
> My husband is going to be taking our daughter down to visit with FIL's girlfriend on Wednesday and she will be back home on Saturday. FIL's girlfriend recommended that I try and have a conversation with my husband and ask him to come home. She told me to try and come up with some sort of compromise where I promise him that there will be no serious conversations about anything and that he may come and go just as if he lived in his apartment -- she said to state to him that I know that he is scared of going to jail, but he is going to have to trust me just like he trusting in me to help financially. He must have some sort of trust in me, some sort of caring, some sort of something for him to call me up and share this dilemma with me. He didn't even call his dad until after he talked to me. Which leads me to believe I am the first person outside of his work that he told what was going on.
> 
> Maybe I can use our anniversary as some leverage and say that we have to start taking care of some serious business here or else we are all going to end up on the street homeless. So, why can't we work on some sort of compromise?
> 
> Lost, I know you said you have some experience in this -- how did you deal with it? WH, Tron, anything you can recommend that I can use to my advantage?
> 
> One good thing about this -- I am pretty sure I can rest easy about the big "D" because we won't be able to afford it for a reallly long time from now. Maybe this is the event that we needed to happen in order for us to start working together and get us back under one roof so we can work on becoming a better family together.
> 
> Please remember my family in your thoughts and prayers.


Of course you're in my prayers Nemo. I make sure to pray for everyone on this thread. I for one would be kinda hesitant with the letter right now. Depending on his ability to process stressors. My H would be pulling the rest of his hair out of his head if he was laid off. This is a BIG stressor for him. The whole financial thing would seem to be a good reason to pull together. My H somehow sees that as not being able to be a man. So i have to be careful not to make him feel like he can't do something without me. Id just evaluate the next couple of days. I'd be prepared, should the moment arise and you see the timing is good for the letter. Just be careful. It could all be very overwhelming for him.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Thanks Catch , yeah that makes sense .
> Wirg us it's reverse ,l want the old her . This new her is what sent me of in the first place over our last yrs , l don't like that person much at all.
> Her , she'd want the old me to only fixed up :scratchhead:
> No more frostbite , snappiness , patience back again and tlc'ing her , spend time with her again - lots of early nights together
> She's been pretty impressed with what she can see l know , she's even sent me long text about it- and my fathering .
> 
> Sometimes it feels like a sympathetic pat on the fkg head though to be honest.


Are you sure that's the you she wants back ? You know what you need and want very well. Are you 100% sure thats what she wants ? I love my H i love SOME I can even say MOST of the things about him flaws and all pre-separation. BUT , there are those few little things (my reacting triggors ) that erk the heck out of me. Those are those thingstat make me want to say to heck with it. Example: The other day we were riding along . HIM: Dang, why didn't you stop at that gas station it's the cheapest gas in town ? Me : (Totally not thinking about gas or really nothing else but getting safely to our destination. ) This is a triggor for me. I am now thinking: How in the blue hell do I know that this is where you want to get gas, or that its the cheapest in town ? See often he ASSUMES that I know what he is thinking. This under pre separation conditions would make me react with something very sharp and mouthy to get him off my case. A better way for him to express that same thought and get what he needs done is a Hey, lets stop for gas up here. It's the cheapest in town. 
With me it's not what you say, but how you say it. He and I do think a lot alike. He tells me often that I just said out of my mouth what he was thinking in his head. It's foolish though for him to assume this takes place constantly. It doesn't. He feels I k know him so well and he the same for me. That he knows what im thinking or wanting. He couldn't be any farther from wrong. But the words and actions he shows me triggors a reaction from deep inside my unhealthy place. Makes me feel the need to defend my innocence in not knowing what he was thinking and him treating me as if I should have. I think it's retarded for us to be at odds over something so ludacris. This was a constant thing for us though. Different scenario's , same common issue though for us.
Even though I was volatile often, most of the time it was provoked. Im not the one who can't express my feelings either. So this has been made known to him as well. Totally ignored. So left me feeling as heck if you don't care enough to respect my wishes then to heck with it. This starts me withdrawing and treating him the way I have. 
I said all that to say this...Ask her in whatever way you have to maneuver it...if there are some things that she liked most and least about you during the marriage. Since you're" friends" now she's making it seem, you could be using this info. to help make a better you. It will get her wheels turning though about you all. Id fund it quite attractive for a man I already love with his flaws, to make an effort to be a better person. What's not attractive is knowing you have to bang your head against the wall orpull teeth to get your needs met/heard. It makes it so easy to stay away from what bothered you most when you were together. All the great progress you think you're making with a R , for me can be easily erased with one triggor pushing episode. The good has to outweigh the bad for her. Or she will never see the benefit of giving it another shot. No matter how much she loves you. I agree though you do need to find out about OM. That has to be extinguished completely. If he is still in the pic. Then...none of what i said may apply if she's in the fog still from what I've been reading.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Of course you're in my prayers Nemo. I make sure to pray for everyone on this thread. I for one would be kinda hesitant with the letter right now. Depending on his ability to process stressors. My H would be pulling the rest of his hair out of his head if he was laid off. This is a BIG stressor for him. The whole financial thing would seem to be a good reason to pull together. My H somehow sees that as not being able to be a man. So i have to be careful not to make him feel like he can't do something without me. Id just evaluate the next couple of days. I'd be prepared, should the moment arise and you see the timing is good for the letter. Just be careful. It could all be very overwhelming for him.


I agree :iagree:


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Are you sure that's the you she wants back ? You know what you need and want very well. Are you 100% sure thats what she wants ? I love my H i love SOME I can even say MOST of the things about him flaws and all pre-separation. BUT , there are those few little things (my reacting triggors ) that erk the heck out of me. Those are those thingstat make me want to say to heck with it. Example: The other day we were riding along . HIM: Dang, why didn't you stop at that gas station it's the cheapest gas in town ? Me : (Totally not thinking about gas or really nothing else but getting safely to our destination. ) This is a triggor for me. I am now thinking: How in the blue hell do I know that this is where you want to get gas, or that its the cheapest in town ? See often he ASSUMES that I know what he is thinking. This under pre separation conditions would make me react with something very sharp and mouthy to get him off my case. A better way for him to express that same thought and get what he needs done is a Hey, lets stop for gas up here. It's the cheapest in town.
> With me it's not what you say, but how you say it. He and I do think a lot alike. He tells me often that I just said out of my mouth what he was thinking in his head. It's foolish though for him to assume this takes place constantly. It doesn't. He feels I k know him so well and he the same for me. That he knows what im thinking or wanting. He couldn't be any farther from wrong. But the words and actions he shows me triggors a reaction from deep inside my unhealthy place. Makes me feel the need to defend my innocence in not knowing what he was thinking and him treating me as if I should have. I think it's retarded for us to be at odds over something so ludacris. This was a constant thing for us though. Different scenario's , same common issue though for us.
> Even though I was volatile often, most of the time it was provoked. Im not the one who can't express my feelings either. So this has been made known to him as well. Totally ignored. So left me feeling as heck if you don't care enough to respect my wishes then to heck with it. This starts me withdrawing and treating him the way I have.
> I said all that to say this...Ask her in whatever way you have to maneuver it...if there are some things that she liked most and least about you during the marriage. Since you're" friends" now she's making it seem, you could be using this info. to help make a better you. It will get her wheels turning though about you all. Id fund it quite attractive for a man I already love with his flaws, to make an effort to be a better person. What's not attractive is knowing you have to bang your head against the wall orpull teeth to get your needs met/heard. It makes it so easy to stay away from what bothered you most when you were together. All the great progress you think you're making with a R , for me can be easily erased with one triggor pushing episode. The good has to outweigh the bad for her. Or she will never see the benefit of giving it another shot. No matter how much she loves you. I agree though you do need to find out about OM. That has to be extinguished completely. If he is still in the pic. Then...none of what i said may apply if she's in the fog still from what I've been reading.


I agree  For me, I'm trying to be the new me and not the old me as it's the old me that H walked out on. I've got to do a total 180 for H to even think about coming back. That means I've got to start decluttering, tidying and cleaning this house! This means I need to spend less time on here, lol. I've just bought a book called CBT which has different chapters on cognitive behaviour therapy. Nothing to do with my spouse, this is to work on me  There's a section on how to motivate myself which is what I need, one on depression and one on anxiety. Since H left, I've found that I've read more self help book than novels. I'm like a sponge at the mo, trying to improve and better myself. Whether or not this will bring H back or not, at least when the next guy comes along I won't be making the same mistakes twice


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Are you sure that's the you she wants back ? You know what you need and want very well. Are you 100% sure thats what she wants ? I love my H i love SOME I can even say MOST of the things about him flaws and all pre-separation. BUT , there are those few little things (my reacting triggors ) that erk the heck out of me. Those are those thingstat make me want to say to heck with it. Example:
> 
> Hell no , not sure about anything Catch :scratchhead:
> But hey that's what she said she'd wanted back and that is what we both lost so. l know l'd want the old her back , warts and all too.
> See that would be pre all the stress yrs stuff, us again how we always were before all that. We were a great couple before and both said we couldn't ask for more 100's of times over the years. We just got fkd up and lost ourselves , especially me and basically that lead to all our troubles and me into the EA. So that's what l've had to work on and l tell you , she is impressed, even sends me long texts telling me so , hell even l'm impressed !
> So l do hear you but see it was those stress years that created our triggers for both of us see.
> Funny l see what your saying in lots of other couples though but we didn't really have any of that before these last 3-4yrs .
> We always so lucky, rare, like that, just a real natural ease about us , people always commented.
> My brother and his wife have it too , just a natural extremely well suited couple you know. Ha but even they split too for a couple of yrs actually. It was a bit like us , a whole series of very big things accumulating until pop.
> Happy to say they got back though guys , took 2yrs but they're back to their old selves now. So there ya go there's hope for us all even after 2 yrs.


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree  For me, I'm trying to be the new me and not the old me as it's the old me that H walked out on. I've got to do a total 180 for H to even think about coming back. That means I've got to start decluttering, tidying and cleaning this house! This means I need to spend less time on here, lol. I've just bought a book called CBT which has different chapters on cognitive behaviour therapy. Nothing to do with my spouse, this is to work on me  There's a section on how to motivate myself which is what I need, one on depression and one on anxiety. Since H left, I've found that I've read more self help book than novels. I'm like a sponge at the mo, trying to improve and better myself. Whether or not this will bring H back or not, at least when the next guy comes along I won't be making the same mistakes twice


Ahh lost , your such a good women you know , l admire the hell outa ya.
You know , all that hurt yet your working away , faith and attitude , must be all that prayin hey 

But l wanna try and say something here and l just hope l don't mess it up.
But you worry me a bit in that maybe your doing too much on yourself. l mean don't forget , couples do have to have natural chemistry and should just get along quite comfortable as a whole with us just being US to you know.
lt's more the bad habits thing , don't change you, we do have to be ourselves in life too , who we are.
Hope l haven't messed that up - oh well !

But hey , now you've gotta explain this messy house thing :rofl:
How the hell bad were you lost - got any pics :smthumbup:

Tell you something funny , my x use to make say a milk drink - or cooking , whatever .
And sh!t would fly absolutely everywhere. Or she slop 1/2 a cup of milk all over the bench , floor or food scraps from cooking, flour , whatever , anything you eat. 
And you know what , it'd just stay there until she cleaned the house . Could be weeks. Mean time she'd just step over it or work round it.
My daughter and l would have to do the same.
And once like for example , she got take away . The coke and chips slipped over into you know those trays in you cars consul.
Well her tray was a few inches deep , so the coke just filled the tray to the brim. Chips fell in the coke and were floating round , tissues , the girls threw lollies in in a few days later- it was revolting and your elbow went into it when you drove and all.

About 2 wks later , l borrowed her car . l'm thinking knowing what she's like , hoped she's cleaned out that damn coke - nope - still there . 2wks later with even more yuks fallen into it.
A 2unch deep swool of coke and crap .

Sometimes on her bed table side , there'd be 10 cups , from months , With everything from green coffee growing thing out of it , tea with dead flies , milk turned to yogurt.
Sometimes if l'd go in to see her about something , l'd refuse to go near her side. 
She was a shocker.

And her house cleaning pattern was just let it all go - everywhere - all over the house and - every 6 wks she'd just do what she calls her MEGA clean , use to take her all weekend.

So then the place would be gorgeous again - for about 3days :smthumbup:


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## lostwithouthim

Well that makes me an angel then if what you say is true about your wife and the state of your house. lol, I dunno if it's the way my H is at the moment being MLC/depression, but he was never tidy when he was at home. Now he seems to be a bit OCD about his cleaning. He told my friend that is why he left me because the place was always untidy and needed cleaning. Mind you I don't know if that's reliable information as my friend can sometimes exaggerate things or make things up as she has mental health issues.
I can see now where you're coming from when you say you're not going to change. Your W wants the old you back from before when you were both happy not the H you were in the last few years. This is how I want to be with my H.
They say not to show your WAS pictures of old wedding albums, etc. as they won't want to know. Whilst I haven't done this, my H told me that he'd found a box of photos in my bedroom and was looking through them. He said he couldn't believe how skinny we both were back then! This was when my son was a little boy. He said he's taken some pictures of my son as he's not got many. Yesterday we were in a shop together and he came across something that he said I should send to my mum as she would love it. He showed me some photos on his phone of his apartment as well. 
Later when we were waiting for my son, he rang up someone about his benefits. He got a bit emotional on the phone and his voice was cracking a bit. He says he always gets emotional when he talks to these people and I just made sympathetic noises and said I know.
When my son got into the car, he had ripped his jeans. My H went ballistic at him and was really shouting at him. I was trying to cool the situation down and said it was just an accident and I'll put a patch on it. That's two signs of depression I can see in H, but he won't get any help for it. I believe he would feel a lot better if he went on medication. I'm getting my life coach to talk to him as he goes round there to do some jobs for her. He won't listen to me or his family but he might listen to a friend. I couldn't reason with him yesterday, I just had to wait until he had calmed down. I'm starting to see now how things could've got out of control whilst he was living here because I'm a lot calmer now in response to his outbursts  At the moment he can't see the wood for the trees, but I think with the right help he might start seeing things a bit clearer.
A very confusing time!


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## whitehawk

lostwithouthim said:


> Well that makes me an angel then if what you say is true about your wife and the state of your house. lol, I dunno if it's the way my H is at the moment being MLC/depression, but he was never tidy when he was at home. Now he seems to be a bit OCD about his cleaning. He told my friend that is why he left me because the place was always untidy and needed cleaning. Mind you I don't know if that's reliable information as my friend can sometimes exaggerate things or make things up as she has mental health issues.
> I can see now where you're coming from when you say you're not going to change. Your W wants the old you back from before when you were both happy not the H you were in the last few years. This is how I want to be with my H.
> They say not to show your WAS pictures of old wedding albums, etc. as they won't want to know. Whilst I haven't done this, my H told me that he'd found a box of photos in my bedroom and was looking through them. He said he couldn't believe how skinny we both were back then! This was when my son was a little boy. He said he's taken some pictures of my son as he's not got many. Yesterday we were in a shop together and he came across something that he said I should send to my mum as she would love it. He showed me some photos on his phone of his apartment as well.
> Later when we were waiting for my son, he rang up someone about his benefits. He got a bit emotional on the phone and his voice was cracking a bit. He says he always gets emotional when he talks to these people and I just made sympathetic noises and said I know.
> When my son got into the car, he had ripped his jeans. My H went ballistic at him and was really shouting at him. I was trying to cool the situation down and said it was just an accident and I'll put a patch on it. That's two signs of depression I can see in H, but he won't get any help for it. I believe he would feel a lot better if he went on medication. I'm getting my life coach to talk to him as he goes round there to do some jobs for her. He won't listen to me or his family but he might listen to a friend. I couldn't reason with him yesterday, I just had to wait until he had calmed down. I'm starting to see now how things could've got out of control whilst he was living here because I'm a lot calmer now in response to his outbursts  At the moment he can't see the wood for the trees, but I think with the right help he might start seeing things a bit clearer.
> A very confusing time!



Yeah l went crazy out bursting too with all our pressures over that time. lt did sometimes scare x . l'm better now.
Pressures and stress can send you that way , his work and money problems.
lt could do him the world of good to talk to her , hope he does .
Our house mostly wasn't bad. l use to pick up a lot round the place and do the dishes so that'd clean up her slops. Her thing was the kitchen and her bed table, car use to pile up to but l just stayed away from that 
l often use to mop up something she'd spill or it'd just stay there.
We use to say stuff and she'd go spotless for a few weeks then sure as eggs, back slide :scratchhead: you gave up .


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## lostwithouthim

whitehawk said:


> Yeah l went crazy out bursting too with all our pressures over that time. lt did sometimes scare x . l'm better now.
> Pressures and stress can send you that way , his work and money problems.
> lt could do him the world of good to talk to her , hope he does .
> Our house mostly wasn't bad. l use to pick up a lot round the place and do the dishes so that'd clean up her slops. Her thing was the kitchen and her bed table, car use to pile up to but l just stayed away from that
> l often use to mop up something she'd spill or it'd just stay there.
> We use to say stuff and she'd go spotless for a few weeks then sure as eggs, back slide :scratchhead: you gave up .


He often talks to her when he goes round, but I think he tells her that he's happy. He's your average man, doesn't like to talk about feelings. My life coach is wonderful though and is a Christian as well  She puts people at their ease, so she may be able to eek something out of him! I'm concerned for my son at the mo, if he just goes off on one with my son. H would never hit him, but he can really shout and you can't say anything when he's shouting! I feel sure that if he only gets help, the shouting will stop as I'm sure that's part of his depression.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> catch22gofigure said:
> 
> 
> 
> Are you sure that's the you she wants back ? You know what you need and want very well. Are you 100% sure thats what she wants ? I love my H i love SOME I can even say MOST of the things about him flaws and all pre-separation. BUT , there are those few little things (my reacting triggors ) that erk the heck out of me. Those are those thingstat make me want to say to heck with it. Example:
> 
> Hell no , not sure about anything Catch :scratchhead:
> But hey that's what she said she'd wanted back and that is what we both lost so. l know l'd want the old her back , warts and all too.
> See that would be pre all the stress yrs stuff, us again how we always were before all that. We were a great couple before and both said we couldn't ask for more 100's of times over the years. We just got fkd up and lost ourselves , especially me and basically that lead to all our troubles and me into the EA. So that's what l've had to work on and l tell you , she is impressed, even sends me long texts telling me so , hell even l'm impressed !
> So l do hear you but see it was those stress years that created our triggers for both of us see.
> Funny l see what your saying in lots of other couples though but we didn't really have any of that before these last 3-4yrs .
> We always so lucky, rare, like that, just a real natural ease about us , people always commented.
> My brother and his wife have it too , just a natural extremely well suited couple you know. Ha but even they split too for a couple of yrs actually. It was a bit like us , a whole series of very big things accumulating until pop.
> Happy to say they got back though guys , took 2yrs but they're back to their old selves now. So there ya go there's hope for us all even after 2 yrs.
> 
> 
> 
> Understood. Just trying to make sure all t's are crossed access i's dotted.
Click to expand...


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## catch22gofigure

Ok , i relapsed. He got hurt at work last night and can barely walk. I had to pick him up from work as he couldn't drive. So i ended up caregiving for the rest of the evening. I just couldn't leave him suffering. I got up early and left to run some errands. Not sure if he'll be able to work today. Off to handle business. I'll check back in shortly.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok , i relapsed. He got hurt at work last night and can barely walk. I had to pick him up from work as he couldn't drive. So i ended up caregiving for the rest of the evening. I just couldn't leave him suffering. I got up early and left to run some errands. Not sure if he'll be able to work today. Off to handle business. I'll check back in shortly.


Good for you  At least it still shows him that you care  You've also shown him that you're not a pushover and you're not going to live in limboland all your life! You might even get a chance for some more talking with him! Hope all goes well  Catch up with you soon


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## Finding Nemo

Just stopping by to say good morning and to wish you all a great day. I am off to the land of the nuts and crazies. Oh wait, that's my house. I am not staying home today. I have other work to attend to. :rofl:

How are you all doing? I am here. Extremely tired, but I am here. I am scared, too. Tomorrow is a major day for me and I am not looking forward to it. I don't know how to read my husband these days. He's open and he's sharing about how scared he is about the job loss, etc. He's happy that I have a job to help support "the family" -- as he so lovingly called us. But, we aren't a family. My definition of family is where we all live under the same roof with the same goals. I told him that we need to have an extremely serious talk soon and start making some decisions on a lot of things before the two of us sink and drown. He agreed, but so far there hasn't been anything said about meeting to talk or anything of that nature. He's asked me to put a freeze on spending on anything other than food and bills. He's been kind of making decisions like he lives with me and we are a team -- are we a team and I just don't know it? :scratchhead:

He called me up around midnight last night because he couldn't sleep. I asked what he was up to so late and he said he was thinking about me and wanted to talk. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered or if I should be pissed because after talking to him it sounded like he had been talking to other people before me and everyone else was now in bed -- which makes me feel like leftovers. Do I get mad because I was his last choice or do I get happy because he included me in his conversations at all? I tried to be supportive and I listened to him talk and we had a few chuckles and laughs. Then I realized that it was nearly 2am and I needed sleep because I had to be up at 6am. My head is kind of fuzzy today from the lack of sleep. This is the way it used to be with my husband when I first met him. I miss the days where I had a spring in my step from these late night talks --I feel like a walking zombie this morning from carrying this heavy load. 

Apparently the reason he was so awake was that he has been working over night and avoiding working with a bunch of people. We found out on Wednesday they are laying off over 650 people from his company. That is going to make a HUGE impact on our area. These are mostly college students so I am very fortunate to have a job because these are the people that I compete with in my job field. BLEH! 

Well, I am off. I get to work a short day today because yesterday I worked over time. We have a major accounts President that is going to be visiting and we had to prepare for that. I wasn't sure what to expect, but apparently I am doing a great job and they asked me to be available to talk with the President if he comes my way. I have done a lot of research on the company and I know a lot of "stuff" in general that is really helping me move along in this new job. WHEW! I knew that one day knowing a lot of nothingness would some day pay off. :rofl:

Catch -- hope your husband is doing better. I am glad you took care of him. I would have done the same thing. I wish both of our husband's would pull their heads out of their behinds and come to where the light is. Sigh.....

Later ...


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## lostwithouthim

Hi Nemo
Glad to hear from you 
*He's happy that I have a job to help support "the family" -- as he so lovingly called us. But, we aren't a family. My definition of family is where we all live under the same roof with the same goals.*
I get this as well from H and I think but we're not a family anymore! The other day when we dropped my son off to his friends, his friend's mum was talking to me and H as if we were together. I wonder what she's thinking, lol. She doesn't know the sitch, but she may think oh they're acting a bit cool towards each other. Or she may not think anything, I'm probably just being paranoid here 
I've just had someone round from the council offices to sort out some activities for my son to do whilst I'm at college in Sept  She mentioned about there being activities on Friday down at the leisure centre. I wish I'd known about this sooner! There was 2 ladies here this afternoon and they were like a double act, lol. They've got loads of suggestions for things that my son can do and if he wanted to do charity work then they can support him in that as well  That's one thing sorted out


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## catch22gofigure

Update : 
K , ive been extremely busy the last few days. School is starting back up here. Well after the whole "hurt at work" situation. The next day i immediately went back to the nc . I think something is brewing again. He more than notices. Today we got caught in a convo about finances. I mentioned (i was fishing for a reaction really) .. that I know things will be better once I get out of town. Guess what H says ? "Are you gonna take me with you ? " I was floored ... i was also speechless. As I scrambled for a confident reply , I said "I wasnt quite sure whether you would want to go or not. He said awww man you was just go run off and leave your husband. I said "well I had no way of knowing you would want to go. He got quiet. He then came back with , do you want me to come over your house tonight when I get off. I said that's a question only you have the answer to. You are more than welcome if you like. I need you to let me know whether you want to stay over or not. He said. I'll be by when I get off..

I'm not expecting or assuming anything more than a visit. Im not playing games with this man and my heart. If he wants this. He's gotta man up about it .


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Update :
> K , ive been extremely busy the last few days. School is starting back up here. Well after the whole "hurt at work" situation. The next day i immediately went back to the nc . I think something is brewing again. He more than notices. Today we got caught in a convo about finances. I mentioned (i was fishing for a reaction really) .. that I know things will be better once I get out of town. Guess what H says ? "Are you gonna take me with you ? " I was floored ... i was also speechless. As I scrambled for a confident reply , I said "I wasnt quite sure whether you would want to go or not. He said awww man you was just go run off and leave your husband. I said "well I had no way of knowing you would want to go. He got quiet. He then came back with , do you want me to come over your house tonight when I get off. I said that's a question only you have the answer to. You are more than welcome if you like. I need you to let me know whether you want to stay over or not. He said. I'll be by when I get off..
> 
> I'm not expecting or assuming anything more than a visit. Im not playing games with this man and my heart. If he wants this. He's gotta man up about it .


Wow Catch, what is this man like!!! Talk about up and down! At least at the mo I know where I stand with my H at the moment, lol. Well at least I think I do  Do you know what I would've said to him? "One minute you told me you don't want to live with me anymore and the next minute you do. Have you changed your mind and left me to read your mind?". My H is always doing this, he expects me to know what he's thinking, lol.
BTW, I wouldn't use those exact words  I'd be more subtle than that!


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Wow Catch, what is this man like!!! Talk about up and down! At least at the mo I know where I stand with my H at the moment, lol. Well at least I think I do  Do you know what I would've said to him? "One minute you told me you don't want to live with me anymore and the next minute you do. Have you changed your mind and left me to read your mind?". My H is always doing this, he expects me to know what he's thinking, lol.
> BTW, I wouldn't use those exact words  I'd be more subtle than that!


Yeah i can't say that. I have to stay away from things that could trigger a argument. Finally though he is slowly beginning to share his thoughts . To me that was subtle confirmation that he doesn't want me to leave without him and most importantly, that he's not "done". Not saying that he wants a R, but he's definitely not done. Ive ignored 7 calls from him in the last 2-3 days. I've only stayed at his place twice in a lil over a week. Once the night I went Nc and the other night with the injury. So this is either about to make or break us. I'm bracing myself for whatever


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## lostwithouthim

Good for you Catch  You've shown strength of character here  I'm terrible at NC, though I've done pretty well this week. I had to speak to H today to find out what time he was coming over tomorrow to collect our son as he is staying at H's this weekend.  Ended up talking for half an hour! H wanted to know what our son had been doing and I was telling him about the ladies who are going to find activities for him  I've been reading love languages and found out what my H's love language is from the website  The book goes into more depth and I've been trying to talk his love language on the phone tonight. I think he sounded pleased  His one is words of affirmation which is easy to do whilst he is not with me. It would've been more difficult if it had been physical touch, which was his second love language.


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## Finding Nemo

lostwithouthim said:


> Good for you Catch  You've shown strength of character here  I'm terrible at NC, though I've done pretty well this week. I had to speak to H today to find out what time he was coming over tomorrow to collect our son as he is staying at H's this weekend.  Ended up talking for half an hour! H wanted to know what our son had been doing and I was telling him about the ladies who are going to find activities for him  I've been reading love languages and found out what my H's love language is from the website  The book goes into more depth and I've been trying to talk his love language on the phone tonight. I think he sounded pleased  His one is words of affirmation which is easy to do whilst he is not with me. It would've been more difficult if it had been physical touch, which was his second love language.



Lost, the physical touch and spending quality time love languages is extremely difficult -- next to impossible in fact, when they don't come around very often. Want to guess what my husband's love language is? Yep! It's spending quality time. I asked my husband how I could fill this need for him and he told me I can't. How's that for squashing the life out of something? His second language is words of affirmation, so while I can't touch him or spend any kind of quality time with him, I have tried to give him words of affirmation. Not that it has really gotten me any where, but maybe one day it will all sink in. 

I am off to take a nap and then I will come back and check in again. Yes, you read that correctly - a nap. I can hardly keep my eyes open now that I have worked all day on less than 4 hours of sleep. Mr. Sandman seem to be working toward a R, too bad my husband can't follow the example.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Update :
> K , ive been extremely busy the last few days. School is starting back up here. Well after the whole "hurt at work" situation. The next day i immediately went back to the nc . I think something is brewing again. He more than notices. Today we got caught in a convo about finances. I mentioned (i was fishing for a reaction really) .. that I know things will be better once I get out of town. Guess what H says ? "Are you gonna take me with you ? " I was floored ... i was also speechless. As I scrambled for a confident reply , I said "I wasnt quite sure whether you would want to go or not. He said awww man you was just go run off and leave your husband. I said "well I had no way of knowing you would want to go. He got quiet. He then came back with , do you want me to come over your house tonight when I get off. I said that's a question only you have the answer to. You are more than welcome if you like. I need you to let me know whether you want to stay over or not. He said. I'll be by when I get off..
> 
> I'm not expecting or assuming anything more than a visit. Im not playing games with this man and my heart. If he wants this. He's gotta man up about it .


Heh, heh. 

Indeed.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Heh, heh.
> 
> Indeed.


I'm learning from the best  It's been a journey but I thank God that i have all of you for this train ride


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I'm learning from the best  It's been a journey but I thank God that i have all of you for this train ride



I want off of this crappy train. There's not time to relax, it's always one bump after another. Don't even get me started on the sights and sounds because they are no better. 

Never mind me. I am having a miserable day. Today is my anniversary. Some anniversary -- sitting here all by myself surrounded by a whole lot of memories and no sign of a brigher tomorrow. Today is also the day of which my husband said that he was going to start to make decisions. I am not sure what to expect now. He obviously isn't coming home because he is still in his apartment and we have so much more going now that he has lost his job. 

I am not sure how to play this today. Do I completely ignore him or do I try and spend some time with him? 

I don't even have a good feel of the situation at this moment. I didn't get a chance to talk to him last night because he dropped off our daughter at 1am and was in a hurry to leave. They had gone to see a really long movie with the friend that I told you guys that had written me the email a few months ago. After dropping the friend off he brought our daughter home. He told our daughter he had to get back to the apartment for sleep so he could be up at 5am. When they arrived in the driveway she came running up to me telling me dad needed to go, so I didn't even try to talk to him after that. I just waved and said have a good night and started to walk inside the house. He asked if I was okay and I said yes, good luck tomorrow. He told me that he was really going to push to get hours in tomorrow so he wanted to get some sleep and being that it was passed 1am he really needed to leave. I said okay, good night. He then asked Hey, could I try and get our daughter tomorrow after work? I said okay - see you later. He didn't say good night or anything. He just drove away. 

So, now I am waiting to hear from him. I don't know if I should ignore the call, text, etc or should I go ahead and talk to him. If I talk to him I was thinking I would ask him if he would like to go to dinner. Or should I just go no contact / or bare minimum contact to drop off and pickup my daughter and leave it at that? What do you guys think? It's not like the day could be any worse for me, so even if he says no I haven't really lost anything from trying...sigh...what to do?


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## lostwithouthim

Hi Nemo, what a confusing time for you! If it was me I would wait for his call. I wouldn't text or phone him. You seem to be in the same situation as Catch at the mo and I don't blame you wanting to get off the crazy train. 
I've had a good day, but... I went on FB and saw that someone I used to be friends with has unfriended me. I tried to add her again, but she's ignored my request. I noticed that she's recently become friends with my H and her mum is as well. I know I shouldn't have looked at his FB wall, but I couldn't resist. Anyway, I've taken her mum off my FB as well, she probably won't even notice!
I have had my suspicions for a while that her mum is having a fling with my H. By her daughter taking her name off my friends list, I'm wondering if this means anything. 
When my H was showing me pictures of his apartment the other day, he occidentally showed me a picture of this woman. I said oh is that so and so? He said yes it was taken at a wedding last year. I don't believe him! The same picture is being used as her profile picture. 
Maybe my mind is just playing overtime or satan is on my shoulder egging me on. 
I'll tell you something else as well, these two are supposed to be Christians. This woman is always going on about how the Lord got her this wonderful job and how wonderful is the Lord our God. They both used to be in a band at our church.
I also noticed, again slap me with a 2x4, that H has updated his info with the town he is living and separated. Grrrrr, just when I started thinking things were getting more positive between us!
Anyway, vent over. Can I ride on the train with you two? lol.


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## Tron

Lost,

Suspicious of a POSOW?

Anything you can do to find out?

What do you do think you should do if there is?


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## lostwithouthim

I don't think I should do anything. I'm working on my 180s and it says not to talk to him about anything like this. I have asked him on several occasions of there's an OW and he's denied it. I only have my suspicions at the moment. One of my friends says that she sees my H quite often in town and he is always on his own. He doesn't mind being seen with me in the town where he lives. I know of two other people that may know, but I don't know whether they will tell me or not. This OW is a lot older than my H, but she has always been friendly towards him in the past.
I may just be being silly and it's nothing at all. He does have a lot of female friends so maybe she is just a friend.
If he has got an OW, would he spend so much time doing things for us? He's got my son over this weekend and he said he'll design a business card for me.
Anyway, this new info doesn't change a thing. I'm still going to work on my 180s and do the best I can to get this family back together again.
When I first had my suspicions a couple of months ago, I spoke to one of my friends about it. She said well if he is seeing her then it won't last because of what she's like. She's already split up from two of her marriages and she is not very trustworthy. Also H is spending a lot more time round at our house. 
I don't know really, I'm confused about the way I'm feeling and about the sitch. all aboard the crazy train! woo woo  lol.


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## catch22gofigure

Just popping in to brief you guys:
So the visit went well. i was 100% wife of the year last night...lol This morning got up cooked breakfast. Left before they got up to eat. Walked to the gym. (This is a never..I do good to make it to the gym let alone walk to it, but I'll tell ya in a sec why I walked. After they got up he called me. Because I'm not in the house, and both cars are still in the yard. He said just that too "Where are you ?" I said I'm at the gym. He then wanted to know how I got there. He was like , "you aint walked to no gym"...lol That's when I told him there's a piece of steel in my tire and I am waiting on the tire store to open to get it repaired. He said, why didn't you tell me ? I just said it didn't even cross my mind, when you got to the house to tell you. 

I did that purposefully because before he got to my house, he's no contact remember?So i couldn't call him, as it wasn't an emergency. I told him a lady from our insurance company was there (she's a good family friend but he doesn't remember names ..he knew whoi was talking about this way..lol ) i made it home about a hour after our conversation. He was out in the yard plugging my tire . Hadn't even touched breakfast and breakfast is something he does not put much before. After that was done he then cut the yard and then he ate. And left to go to his apt. I refused 2break calls and played super busy after the lunch call was about 3min in. I didn't talk to him anymore until just now. Mr I can't spend advent time at the family house, is back off work and in my shower. Bag of clothes and necessities included. So back to being wife again for now I guess. Im all eyes and ears right now because this man has not stayed two nights in a row in this house since he left.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I want off of this crappy train. There's not time to relax, it's always one bump after another. Don't even get me started on the sights and sounds because they are no better.
> 
> Never mind me. I am having a miserable day. Today is my anniversary. Some anniversary -- sitting here all by myself surrounded by a whole lot of memories and no sign of a brigher tomorrow. Today is also the day of which my husband said that he was going to start to make decisions. I am not sure what to expect now. He obviously isn't coming home because he is still in his apartment and we have so much more going now that he has lost his job.
> 
> I am not sure how to play this today. Do I completely ignore him or do I try and spend some time with him?
> 
> I don't even have a good feel of the situation at this moment. I didn't get a chance to talk to him last night because he dropped off our daughter at 1am and was in a hurry to leave. They had gone to see a really long movie with the friend that I told you guys that had written me the email a few months ago. After dropping the friend off he brought our daughter home. He told our daughter he had to get back to the apartment for sleep so he could be up at 5am. When they arrived in the driveway she came running up to me telling me dad needed to go, so I didn't even try to talk to him after that. I just waved and said have a good night and started to walk inside the house. He asked if I was okay and I said yes, good luck tomorrow. He told me that he was really going to push to get hours in tomorrow so he wanted to get some sleep and being that it was passed 1am he really needed to leave. I said okay, good night. He then asked Hey, could I try and get our daughter tomorrow after work? I said okay - see you later. He didn't say good night or anything. He just drove away.
> 
> So, now I am waiting to hear from him. I don't know if I should ignore the call, text, etc or should I go ahead and talk to him. If I talk to him I was thinking I would ask him if he would like to go to dinner. Or should I just go no contact / or bare minimum contact to drop off and pickup my daughter and leave it at that? What do you guys think? It's not like the day could be any worse for me, so even if he says no I haven't really lost anything from trying...sigh...what to do?


I don't know how to get off the train either. But changing your level of expectations makes for a much smoother ride. We want what we want when we want it. Its our expectation level, that keeps on messing us up. You EXPECTED them to do one thing and they do the other. That's a let down and it's frustrating. Suppose you expect the latter of the two . If your level of expectation is low...then the fall isn't do hard. Anything near what you did want to happen...fills your happy tank. That's what I HAVE to do often or i'd lose my mind.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Mr I can't spend advent time at the family house, is back off work and in my shower. Bag of clothes and necessities included. So back to being wife again for now I guess. Im all eyes and ears right now because this man has not stayed two nights in a row in this house since he left.


Whoop whoop  so pleased for you  So this NC paid off then? Btw, I've calmed down now, lol. I'm not going to let him get to me 
I had the same when H came round. My paper shredder had stopped working on Thursday, but I waited until H came round on Saturday to get it fixed. I've only rung him once this week on Friday when I wanted to find out what time he was picking up our son on Saturday. I've just remembered, I've not given you all an update, lol. More in a min ...


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## lostwithouthim

My Update for the day. On Friday I rang up H to see what time he was picking my son up on Saturday. He said 10am, I said oh good it's not silly o'clock then (7am!). We spent about half an hour talking on the phone about my son and my new business venture. He's even offered to design my business cards for me as that's what he does, so I've left it up to him to come up with a few designs. I'm learning how to speak his love language, so designing a business card will be ideal  It's not the magic button I know this and I also know I've still got to have patience and to stay doing my 180s and keeping busy 
Things have been positive between us lately. He text me yesterday at 9.30 and asked if it was ok to come round now. I said yes as we're both up and dressed. I was making them a packed lunch when he came round. He then made us a drink and we sat down to watch a recording on TV whilst my son was upstairs playing games. My son had already called down, we can't go yet as I've not finished my games time.
I asked if he'd go and get my son's haircut as I've not had time during the week. He said he would and ran me into town. I said my goodbyes and went off to do my shopping.
I'm so lucky that I've got two good friends that own their own businesses in town, so I can pop in to say hello. I popped in to see one of my friends and had a tea and a chat whilst I was there. I've been invited on a night out as well in September, so all's good  It's really made my day to be invited out as these are friends I've made since I split up with my H 
I've also been offered a chance of renting out someone's back room to set up my business. Whilst I still want to do some treatments at my house, this is a brilliant opportunity  I'm popping down during the week to see how much the rent is, etc.
I've also found out about a government run scheme that will help get your business off the ground and provide you with a mentor. You can get a loan off them, some extra money each week, but the real perk is the mentor. He/she is worth their weight in gold as you would normally have to pay for a business advisor. So all in all I've had a very productive couple of days  I can't wait until my business is up and running, I get my certificate on Tuesday then I can sort out liability insurance  I've now got to work out prices and produce leaflets (which H will probably do, I'll keep him busy!). Once I get this loan then I can get the rest of the products and equipment I need and away I go 
I wrote this update on the DB forum and pasted it here. This was the positive day I was having before I suspected my H to be having an affair. I also had a couple of glasses of wine last night, so that must've made me a bit moody as well, lol.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Lost, That is funny that you say Funny Oclock meaning 7am. During the school year when I have to get up at 6:30 I would say -- Dark thirty. My daughter knew exactly what time I was talking about because when we leave the house the sun has not even started to think about rising. We see it rise on the way to school. I don't know how early I am going to be getting up once school starts again. I know it will be even earlier than Dark thirty. 

I wish I had a couple of glasses of wine to drink tonight. I am not sure what kind of day I have had. I know that I need some wine or something right now to help calm my nerves before I say or do something stupid. You will understand this desperation in a few more sentences.

My update for today...I went complete NC on my husband. That was until around 9pm when I received a text from him asking me to contact him. At first I wasn't going to, but then I thought about it and decided I should at least see what he wants. Come to find out he hadn't contacted me earlier because he got stung by a wasp on his foot and he was busy taking care of himself. He is allergic to bees and wasps so this was a pretty scary situation for him to be in. He was alone with no one to look after him. He said at one point he was so scared that he thought he should take himself to the hospital. But then he remembered something we did before when I had got a sting. We put a baking soda paste on it to help draw out the poison and reduce the swelling. He did that and it was starting to feel better. He wasn't feeling as sick. I am still scared because I can't see what's going on or how he is really doing.  He said it means a lot to him that I am so worried about him. Of course, I am worrried. I don't want anything to happen to him. He's just to blind to see it. 

So, here is the reason why I need some wine and someone to talk me out of this -- my husband was talking to me about finances and losing his job, etc. He asked me what I thought he should be doing right now. My answer was I am not sure. That was a lie because it's not what I really should have said to him. I didn't want to upset him. But, what I really want so badly to tell him is that I think he should put aside his fears and come home. Come home so that we don't have so much mortgage and rent to pay, plus all of the double utilities, etc. He said to me if it were just him he would shut everything off and go with the bare minimum, but he has a family to look after and his family needs things. I need things in order to keep my job. I couldnt reply back to him because I wanted to say -- First and foremost I need my husband. Everything else is secondary to me. We don't need any of the drama from the past and we don't need drama right now. We need to be thinking in terms of how to get by on such a small paycheck right now. Once he gets another job and if he feels he isn't happy then he can leave again and we will know that we need to make it final and file for a divorce. But, right now we need to pull together or we are both going to drown. 

Help me out here Tron -- WH -- anyone? I have a letter written right now that I could easily push send and open myself up to an entire world of hurt again because he reads my letter and refuses to come home. I am also opening up a whole new world of what the heck do I do to survive with a child because I can't do this alone. I have resources I can lean on, but then they go after him and they force him to pay all kinds of support -- that he doesn't have access to. The thought of what could happen to him on so many levels really makes me sick at my stomach. Why can't this guy see that I am not the evil wicked witch he thinks I am? He needs to get passed being scared. One way or another he's got to take a chance...take a chance with me and have some support or take a chance on his own and have twice the work to have to achieve. 

I think I'd like some wine and some sleep now. Come morning if I am still feeling as strongly as I do about sending him the note and saying come home then I think I will do just that. I am not going to mention working on the relationship or anything like that. I may at this time tell him my side of things and get it all out in the open, but I am not going to ask for any kind of reply or give him an ultimatum. I am simply going to state the facts of the situation and hope that he is smart enough see that I am trying to help save our family -- but I need his help in order to do it. 

None of this means sweeping stuff under the rug...it means the focus has to change temporarily and more important things need to be addressed first. Now how do I go about saying all of this and not mess everything up? :scratchhead:


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Whoop whoop  so pleased for you  So this NC paid off then? Btw, I've calmed down now, lol. I'm not going to let him get to me
> I had the same when H came round. My paper shredder had stopped working on Thursday, but I waited until H came round on Saturday to get it fixed. I've only rung him once this week on Friday when I wanted to find out what time he was picking up our son on Saturday. I've just remembered, I've not given you all an update, lol. More in a min ...


Well it hasn't paid off yet. I'll say that he's noting there is something in the air. And he's stepping outside his comfort level to get a closer look. We'll see how this goes...it's all still a gamble right now.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Lost, That is funny that you say Funny Oclock meaning 7am. During the school year when I have to get up at 6:30 I would say -- Dark thirty. My daughter knew exactly what time I was talking about because when we leave the house the sun has not even started to think about rising. We see it rise on the way to school. I don't know how early I am going to be getting up once school starts again. I know it will be even earlier than Dark thirty.
> 
> I wish I had a couple of glasses of wine to drink tonight. I am not sure what kind of day I have had. I know that I need some wine or something right now to help calm my nerves before I say or do something stupid. You will understand this desperation in a few more sentences.
> 
> My update for today...I went complete NC on my husband. That was until around 9pm when I received a text from him asking me to contact him. At first I wasn't going to, but then I thought about it and decided I should at least see what he wants. Come to find out he hadn't contacted me earlier because he got stung by a wasp on his foot and he was busy taking care of himself. He is allergic to bees and wasps so this was a pretty scary situation for him to be in. He was alone with no one to look after him. He said at one point he was so scared that he thought he should take himself to the hospital. But then he remembered something we did before when I had got a sting. We put a baking soda paste on it to help draw out the poison and reduce the swelling. He did that and it was starting to feel better. He wasn't feeling as sick. I am still scared because I can't see what's going on or how he is really doing.  He said it means a lot to him that I am so worried about him. Of course, I am worrried. I don't want anything to happen to him. He's just to blind to see it.
> 
> So, here is the reason why I need some wine and someone to talk me out of this -- my husband was talking to me about finances and losing his job, etc. He asked me what I thought he should be doing right now. My answer was I am not sure. That was a lie because it's not what I really should have said to him. I didn't want to upset him. But, what I really want so badly to tell him is that I think he should put aside his fears and come home. Come home so that we don't have so much mortgage and rent to pay, plus all of the double utilities, etc. He said to me if it were just him he would shut everything off and go with the bare minimum, but he has a family to look after and his family needs things. I need things in order to keep my job. I couldnt reply back to him because I wanted to say -- First and foremost I need my husband. Everything else is secondary to me. We don't need any of the drama from the past and we don't need drama right now. We need to be thinking in terms of how to get by on such a small paycheck right now. Once he gets another job and if he feels he isn't happy then he can leave again and we will know that we need to make it final and file for a divorce. But, right now we need to pull together or we are both going to drown.
> 
> Help me out here Tron -- WH -- anyone? I have a letter written right now that I could easily push send and open myself up to an entire world of hurt again because he reads my letter and refuses to come home. I am also opening up a whole new world of what the heck do I do to survive with a child because I can't do this alone. I have resources I can lean on, but then they go after him and they force him to pay all kinds of support -- that he doesn't have access to. The thought of what could happen to him on so many levels really makes me sick at my stomach. Why can't this guy see that I am not the evil wicked witch he thinks I am? He needs to get passed being scared. One way or another he's got to take a chance...take a chance with me and have some support or take a chance on his own and have twice the work to have to achieve.
> 
> I think I'd like some wine and some sleep now. Come morning if I am still feeling as strongly as I do about sending him the note and saying come home then I think I will do just that. I am not going to mention working on the relationship or anything like that. I may at this time tell him my side of things and get it all out in the open, but I am not going to ask for any kind of reply or give him an ultimatum. I am simply going to state the facts of the situation and hope that he is smart enough see that I am trying to help save our family -- but I need his help in order to do it.
> 
> None of this means sweeping stuff under the rug...it means the focus has to change temporarily and more important things need to be addressed first. Now how do I go about saying all of this and not mess everything up? :scratchhead:


Just stay focused. And keep in mind that you can't convince him. He's gonna have to see the need to do things this way himself. Being patient is most important right now in this stage.


----------



## lostwithouthim

*Lost, That is funny that you say Funny Oclock meaning 7am. 
*
It's silliy o'clock because it's a silly time to get up, lol.

*He said it means a lot to him that I am so worried about him. Of course, I am worried. I don't want anything to happen to him. He's just to blind to see it. 
*

Of course you'll be worried, you're right they are just too blind to see.

*My answer was I am not sure. That was a lie because it's not what I really should have said to him. I didn't want to upset him. But, what I really want so badly to tell him is that I think he should put aside his fears and come home. Come home so that we don't have so much mortgage and rent to pay, plus all of the double utilities, etc.* 

I feel exactly the same when my H talks to me about being short of money. I think to myself you silly man, don't you realise you're better off at home.

*He said to me if it were just him he would shut everything off and go with the bare minimum, but he has a family to look after and his family needs things. I need things in order to keep my job. I couldnt reply back to him because I wanted to say -- First and foremost I need my husband. Everything else is secondary to me. We don't need any of the drama from the past and we don't need drama right now. We need to be thinking in terms of how to get by on such a small paycheck right now. Once he gets another job and if he feels he isn't happy then he can leave again and we will know that we need to make it final and file for a divorce. But, right now we need to pull together or we are both going to drown. * 

Yes I hear you 

*Help me out here Tron -- WH -- anyone? I have a letter written right now that I could easily push send and open myself up to an entire world of hurt again because he reads my letter and refuses to come home. * 

If I was you, I wouldn't send the letter. Remember the swear word patience 

*I am also opening up a whole new world of what the heck do I do to survive with a child because I can't do this alone. * 

Put your faith and trust in God and ask him what you should do. I'm sure he'll come up with an answer. Last week in church, I opened up a hymn book to where someone had turned the corner over. It said let go and let God. What an amazing message. I am trying, but it is hard!

*I have resources I can lean on, but then they go after him and they force him to pay all kinds of support -- that he doesn't have access to.* 

I might be having the same issues soon. They want to know my H's address but I don't know it. My H can't afford to pay maintenance for my son. I know if they did contact him then he would be very annoyed at me as I told him this wasn't going to happen.

* The thought of what could happen to him on so many levels really makes me sick at my stomach. Why can't this guy see that I am not the evil wicked witch he thinks I am?* 

He needs to take his blindfold off!

* He needs to get passed being scared. One way or another he's got to take a chance...take a chance with me and have some support or take a chance on his own and have twice the work to have to achieve. 
*

I agree but at the moment he can't see it. You need to give him some thinking space and give him time to start missing you by letting him contact you. 

*I think I'd like some wine and some sleep now. Come morning if I am still feeling as strongly as I do about sending him the note and saying come home then I think I will do just that. I am not going to mention working on the relationship or anything like that. I may at this time tell him my side of things and get it all out in the open, but I am not going to ask for any kind of reply or give him an ultimatum. I am simply going to state the facts of the situation and hope that he is smart enough see that I am trying to help save our family -- but I need his help in order to do it. * 

Ask God what is the right thing to do? I have mentioned what I would do, but at the end of the day it's up to you to do what you feel is best.

*None of this means sweeping stuff under the rug...it means the focus has to change temporarily and more important things need to be addressed first. Now how do I go about saying all of this and not mess everything up? *

Have you considered getting a mentor as a go between? you can tell the mentor all your concerns and let him/her talk to your H on your behalf. Him/her will know exactly how to word it and what to say to him. Sweet dreams


----------



## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> Well it hasn't paid off yet. I'll say that he's noting there is something in the air. And he's stepping outside his comfort level to get a closer look. We'll see how this goes...it's all still a gamble right now.


slowly slowly catch a monkey  You're doing well, remember baby steps


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> slowly slowly catch a monkey  You're doing well, remember baby steps


Right, im in no hurry. I meant what i said. Its do or die . I'm prepared to move on if necessary. Not looking to;but prepared. While he's here at my house I'm wife. When not in my presence, I'm that friend that he spoke of months ago..so it's up to him to decide which one he wants to be a part of. 
It's work though. I wake before he does, so aromatherapy is in place. I make sure there's a pleasant oil or insense burning. So his brain associates good vibes with being in this house. Breakfast is cooked with hints to dinner menu wrote on the fridge white board. My home is well kept and clean most of the time. I've made it my business though to have candles burning before he wakes. All blinds open providing more lighting. His apt is dark. That aides depression. So light therapy is in place. Most people associate light with good feelings. Like how the sun does. I'm fashionably dressed even for bed. No bonnets or face creams allowed...lol no perfume though...don't want to overwhelm him. But a baby powder scent is what I'm doing. Who doesn't love the smell of a baby ? So using that baby this and that which he frequently calls me...im dusted with a light baby scent. I honestly look forward to him leaving and going home. He needs to process it all. Think, so to speak. He can't do that in depth here. That's when my N C is in full effect. I think he's off today, let's see how long before he goes home. It's after 9a.m here now.


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## lostwithouthim

Catch how long can you keep this up? lol. Is it just to catch the prey and then when he moves in it's back to normal? lol. There's a programme that I know my H would hate to miss and he's forgotten my business cards. Should I text him or not? This NC is really arghhhh!! lol


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Catch how long can you keep this up? lol. Is it just to catch the prey and then when he moves in it's back to normal? lol. There's a programme that I know my H would hate to miss and he's forgotten my business cards. Should I text him or not? This NC is really arghhhh!! lol


I can keep it up indefinitely if need be. Though I love this man with all my being, hey imno dummy for love either. I do know my worth and flaws and all out there somewhere is a man that would LOVE to be in his shoes. I my friend am a great catch. That being said H is who I have chosen to be my life partner. Now the problem comes of he has decided the feeling is no longer mutual. Hey , I can handle that. It'll hurt but I can handle it. Being full ready to move forward in life. We just right now have some quirks to work out. We've grown up together, what worked for 16 and 17 yr old us. Is not working for the 30 plus us. If we can work it out we'll be great, if not...life goes on. 
As you can see he is very attentive to the most minute details with me, frequent un initiated contact, ensures that me and the kids needs are met for the most part and shares all of his world other than his closest emotions with me. So that's the reason why I even give it 1/2 the thought of working it out. That and my vows to God. I have a zero tolerance for bs. You see how many times you all have brought me to my senses to keep on keeping on. I have the same emotions as most women...however when it comes to drama and confusion. ..un unhh I will cut it short and deal with the pain of it later.
I personally wouldn't text. I'm not one to ask anyone for anything (a big issue I'm working on ) those business cards aren't that important right now. It may seem like it. But if you're getting a loan you can have them professionally done then. If you need them before the loan happens, anyone who can use Microsoft Mail Merge or Label maker which is installed in every edition of Microsoft Word...can make you business cards. I just made some yesterday, designs and all for a friend who just opened a business. 
If you're gonna detach, then detach. Some people like to habe control over you needing them for stuff. Don't give him the pleasure if thats true for him. Find a way to get it done yourself at low cost. You're about to be a business owner. The ability to do just this will be something you'll need on a daily basis in your career field. Im sure someone, even a student would love to do them for you...probably even for free. Just to get the practice in.


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## lostwithouthim

Thanks for the good advice Catch  I just thought that being his love language is words of affirmation, then it'll boost him up no end  You're right, they are not important right now. I've just finished working on my price list, finally got that out of the way  
I should take a leaf out of your book Catch and really try my hardest to impress when or if H comes back home. That is music to my ears saying H and home in the same sentence  I probably won't do exactly what you're doing as my H will probably think who is this woman? lol. I've never done all that for him, though I used to take him a hot drink in bed in the morning. I'd probably serve up more cooked breakfasts, probably once a week or scrambled egg on toast. It will be like going back to how we used to be when we first started out and you're right. The spark needs to come back. No time like the present though, they say that to make it a habit you have to do it for a month. So if I start making myself scrambled eggs once a week and a hot drink every day then if or when H does come back it'll be a habit rather than a chore


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## catch22gofigure

Tron, i've lost my book list somehow. What am i to be reading now?  I sure don't want togo back through the thread to find it. I've been done with co dependence no more and ready for the next runner up.


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Thanks for the good advice Catch  I just thought that being his love language is words of affirmation, then it'll boost him up no end  You're right, they are not important right now. I've just finished working on my price list, finally got that out of the way
> I should take a leaf out of your book Catch and really try my hardest to impress when or if H comes back home. That is music to my ears saying H and home in the same sentence  I probably won't do exactly what you're doing as my H will probably think who is this woman? lol. I've never done all that for him, though I used to take him a hot drink in bed in the morning. I'd probably serve up more cooked breakfasts, probably once a week or scrambled egg on toast. It will be like going back to how we used to be when we first started out and you're right. The spark needs to come back. No time like the present though, they say that to make it a habit you have to do it for a month. So if I start making myself scrambled eggs once a week and a hot drink every day then if or when H does come back it'll be a habit rather than a chore


I never used to do all this either. That's the whole point. I want to change the dynamic. If you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you got. I don't want what I have or had. It led us to where we are now. So i won't be doing this all the time...no. that'll create a monster by raising his level of expectation to that. This is something he can see and know that these are things he can randomly look forward to. Being random and sporadic is something our M needs. Redundancy aggravates the both of us amd that is what in the past we were doing. Same thing. ...allllll the time. Boring.com . 
One way I'm changing the dynamic is how I express my dislike in something. Last night he showered and left his clothes in the bathroom floor. The old me would have asked sarcastically , why did you leave those dirty clothes in the floor. The new me waited until he was near the bathroom so he could see me place them in a bag and put them in his overnight bag. First time ever, he said my bad for leaving those clothes in the floor. He actually even reached to help me get them up and in the soiled linen bag. I saw shame on his face, so he got the picture. This is not something the new me accepts. The old him and me would be fussing. Because he feels I'm grown and pay bills,who is she to scold me like a child old me, would think,he is a grown man how dare he be this messy and think I'm gonna pick it up after him. I totally avoided all of that for the first time. Leading by example...that's what I'm doing. But making sure to have his attention to the behaviors and annoyances i am working on redirecting. It's no good if he doesn't see that it bugs me and I'm addressing it differently.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Tron, i've lost my book list somehow. What am i to be reading now?  I sure don't want togo back through the thread to find it. I've been done with co dependence no more and ready for the next runner up.


Dance of Anger

I am currently reading a couple of books to help my relationship with my D16. I will let you know if I think any of those can help you when I am done.

Catch, does your husband read? There are a couple of books that are easy reads that might help him with his communication issues.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I never used to do all this either. That's the whole point. I want to change the dynamic. If you keep doing what you're doing you'll keep getting what you got. I don't want what I have or had. It led us to where we are now. So i won't be doing this all the time...no. that'll create a monster by raising his level of expectation to that. This is something he can see and know that these are things he can randomly look forward to. Being random and sporadic is something our M needs. Redundancy aggravates the both of us amd that is what in the past we were doing. Same thing. ...allllll the time. Boring.com .
> One way I'm changing the dynamic is how I express my dislike in something. Last night he showered and left his clothes in the bathroom floor. The old me would have asked sarcastically , why did you leave those dirty clothes in the floor. The new me waited until he was near the bathroom so he could see me place them in a bag and put them in his overnight bag. First time ever, he said my bad for leaving those clothes in the floor. He actually even reached to help me get them up and in the soiled linen bag. I saw shame on his face, so he got the picture. This is not something the new me accepts. The old him and me would be fussing. Because he feels I'm grown and pay bills,who is she to scold me like a child old me, would think,he is a grown man how dare he be this messy and think I'm gonna pick it up after him. I totally avoided all of that for the first time. Leading by example...that's what I'm doing. But making sure to have his attention to the behaviors and annoyances i am working on redirecting. It's no good if he doesn't see that it bugs me and I'm addressing it differently.


When did you get so smart?


----------



## catch22gofigure

It's now after 12..he's eaten breakfast, chatted with the kids, and back laying in our bed,just watching TV....if he stays much longer. No perks for the day. ( can't risk that he's thinking or ready to move to kick this up a notch ) It's too soon for that i think. Just a fantastic dinner. If he leaves, goes home, then back tonight...then he just m-i-g-h-t get a grand prize. Only if he leaves and comes back though. We need a bit more exchange first. H with time here and time away....

I will randomly call him twice this week. He doesn't need to feel as if when he's away I'm busy moving on either. That was a problem before...me not initiating interest in him other than intimately. Just the same kind of "checking on ya" he does with me. Never when he's in his apt though. There needs to be very little association with me and that apt. So it'll be either during his commute to work or when i know he's not home. A short maybe two minute chat. I'll find something to remind him about on one call and...a you crossed my mind on the other call. It all depends on how things go though....so we'll see.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> When did you get so smart?


Lol...idk where it came from. I think maybe because my head is thinking before my heart for a change...lol


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok so he left and stayed gone for about three hours. Called once while gone. I didn't answer. When he called back a second time I answered. He was "just seeing what we we're doing ". That was about 4 hours ago. He's now. been back ate supper and left to go visit his mom. Now, he hasn't said he "loves me" in about two months. I told him i never wanted to hear that lie from him again. As he left though he said "bye baby, i love you". I replied thank you. He looked at me funny and said, dang you can't say it back,so i said i love you too. He's gone now. ..I'm really hoping he stays home tonight. Though i enjoy him here. We need that exchange i was talking about. If he comes back or asks to stay, I'm thinking ill decline. Not sure with our past if i should reject him though. Well back to the plan.... I'll update as soon as anything pops up.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Dance of Anger
> 
> I am currently reading a couple of books to help my relationship with my D16. I will let you know if I think any of those can help you when I am done.
> 
> Catch, does your husband read? There are a couple of books that are easy reads that might help him with his communication issues.


Ok and thanks i appreciate that. No he doesn't read. I wish he did.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok so he left and stayed gone for about three hours. Called once while gone. I didn't answer. When he called back a second time I answered. He was "just seeing what we we're doing ". That was about 4 hours ago. He's now. been back ate supper and left to go visit his mom. Now, he hasn't said he "loves me" in about two months. I told him i never wanted to hear that lie from him again. As he left though he said "bye baby, i love you". I replied thank you. He looked at me funny and said, dang you can't say it back,so i said i love you too. He's gone now. ..I'm really hoping he stays home tonight. Though i enjoy him here. We need that exchange i was talking about. If he comes back or asks to stay, I'm thinking ill decline. Not sure with our past if i should reject him though. Well back to the plan.... I'll update as soon as anything pops up.


So, let me ask you. Do you love him or not?

It is rejection. BTW. 

You need to stick to a consistent message IMO. You seem to be all over the place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> So, let me ask you. Do you love him or not?
> 
> It is rejection. BTW.
> 
> You need to stick to a consistent message IMO. You seem to be all over the place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course I do. I just thought that you're not supposed to say it back. I told him waaay before i learned about reacting that I didn't want to hear it again. Not here recently. I also know that things can't miraculously change in two nights. That's why i feel it best he not stay too many nights at first. Since you say it's rejection. If he tries i won't refuse him then. Other than that Idk...what do you think best?


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## catch22gofigure

I see there's a lot of those books like the Dance of Anger. I'll be getting this one Tuesday. Not expensive either i see


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Of course I do. I just thought that you're not supposed to say it back. I told him waaay before i learned about reacting that I didn't want to hear it again. Not here recently. I also know that things can't miraculously change in two nights. That's why i feel it best he not stay too many nights at first. Since you say it's rejection. If he tries i won't refuse him then. Other than that Idk...what do you think best?


You arent officially NC. You are still communicating with him at home and sporadically by text/phone. He takes NC as rejection cause you have used it in the past as punishment. He obviously noticed you not replying this evening and is wondering now if you love home at all.

That said, you shouldn't feel obligated to tell him you love him just because he says it. Tell him if you feel it.

And if you are trying to protect yourself from future harm then you typically don't say it to a cheating spouse or when your are headed for D. Neither of you are there right now.

But, if you really feel that you love him and want to tell him then tell him. He has now seen the light after a few months of wandering in the desert. Help him.

"I love you and I am sorry I didn't respond. I haven't heard anything like that from you in a long while and you took me by surprise. Tell me again because I am not used to you communicating with me like that. I like it...a lot. And, I want more of it. Come home."

If you want more of it then reward him...at home of course. 

I would ask him if he would like to come home tonight, you have a surprise for him...then...I will leave it up to you to decide how to reward him...

This was a bit of a breakthrough today. He is headed home if you can support him.

JMHO.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You arent officially NC. You are still communicating with him at home and sporadically by text/phone. He takes NC as rejection cause you have used it in the past as punishment. He obviously noticed you not replying this evening and is wondering now if you love home at all.
> 
> That said, you shouldn't feel obligated to tell him you love him just because he says it. Tell him if you feel it.
> 
> And if you are trying to protect yourself from future harm then you typically don't say it to a cheating spouse or when your are headed for D. Neither of you are there right now.
> 
> But, if you really feel that you love him and want to tell him then tell him. He has now seen the light after a few months of wandering in the desert. Help him.
> 
> "I love you and I am sorry I didn't respond. I haven't heard anything like that from you in a long while and you took me by surprise. Tell me again because I am not used to you communicating with me like that. I like it...a lot. And, I want more of it. Come home."
> 
> If you want more of it then reward him...at home of course.
> 
> I would ask him if he would like to come home tonight, you have a surprise for him...then...I will leave it up to you to decide how to reward him...
> 
> This was a bit of a breakthrough today. He is headed home if you can support him.
> 
> JMHO.


Right about the N C. Its my own version i guess, due to our past. So I'm only this way when he's not at my home and I'm no longer gonna stay at his apt. I will make sure tob exhibit my love for him. All of this is so difficult attimes. to keep up with..I'm trying though. That's about all i can do i guess.


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> He's gone now. ..I'm really hoping he stays home tonight. Though i enjoy him here. We need that exchange i was talking about. If he comes back or asks to stay, I'm thinking ill decline. Not sure with our past if i should reject him though. Well back to the plan.... I'll update as soon as anything pops up.


Make up your mind Catch, lol.If I was you I'd let him stay. Let him do all the chasing though. Don't ask him if he wants to stay, wait until he asks you. You already know this though anyway, lol.
One thing you don't want to do is refuse. He's just starting to find his feet again in the old house and you as his wife.
Basically let him do all the chasing and you do none of it, but don't refuse his pursuits. Hope that makes sense


----------



## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> Make up your mind Catch, lol.If I was you I'd let him stay. Let him do all the chasing though. Don't ask him if he wants to stay, wait until he asks you. You already know this though anyway, lol.
> One thing you don't want to do is refuse. He's just starting to find his feet again in the old house and you as his wife.
> Basically let him do all the chasing and you do none of it, but don't refuse his pursuits. Hope that makes sense


You have to look at the bigger picture Lost. My mind is made up. That's the whole purpose of me staying home now. He is the one with a unmade up mind. He is doing all of the chasing . One thing i'll never do is chase a man. Every visit to his home or contact made with him has been initiated by him from day 1. I just know that just like we got comfortable being together at his place with no change in relationship status. The same thing can happen with him coming back and forth over here. Im not going for that this time. He didn't stay last night just called and texted a bit. 

My issue is balance, where's the medium with this ? Too much pushing away then it's like i was before the separation. Too much contact we can easily get comfortable. My sitch is very different, I understand. But you have to look at the whole picture. The only thing missing with us now living in the same house and communicating our feelings. 
Most people who just don't know we're separated and see us in public or even the few visitors that came by while he was here over the weekend. Have no clue that we're separated. 
So I understand what you're saying. But i have to find out what his deciding factor is. If what we've been doing is working for him , why would he chamge it ? What we're doing is not working for me so I want to change it. Im willing to meet in the middle, but where is the middle is what he has to relay to me. If he has no intentions then i need to move on. My needs are not being met. I love this man with all I have in me; but like I was saying before. Life goes on. I dare not waste my life chasing a false dream. That's kuckoo in my book. I will however do what I have to do to make sure that i've exhausted all effort to make this work. 
You have to at some point make the decision on whether it's mendable. Some people need to divorce, some people just flat out married the wrong person for all the wrong reasons. I dont feel that's not my sitch;but what if he feels its his ? He doesn't talk about stuff like this. That's what im fighting to get to. How he feels. I tried last week unsuccessfully. So I had to make the decision to pull back...a good bit. It may not be NC...or a full 180 but I had to do something. Or else im settling for what lil bit he's giving me emotionally. I love him enough to let him go. With the prayers that he's mine and will come right back to me. I don't think i have any other choice. As bad as I'm trying to save my marriage. I realize you can't change a person. They have to want to change.


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## catch22gofigure

Like now...he just called me asking me to come over for coffee...uggggghhhh my dilemmas. Im going but do I act as if this is ok. Or what do I say...i know i know such. A grown woman so confused. ..smh


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## Tron

"Coming over for a coffee"...does that mean sit down with me and talk or does that mean sit down with me and drink coffee?

You should be ok with "sit down with me and talk". Sitting down with me and drinking a coffee at my apartment is just a continuation of the same old dynamic that isn't working for you. 

If he doesn't want to "talk" then I suggest you calmly say, "well I was hoping that you wanted to talk about yesterday and our relationship and that is why I am here. If you don't want to talk then I really have no business being here and I am going home. You have now seen how we can be good together again and I have really grown from this whole experience, but this apartment and this current situation/separation is not working for me anymore. I love you and I want you and the rest of the family all together in our home. In my mind we have progressed all we can in this current situation. If you are willing to take the next step and try again then just do it. If not then I don't have anything else to say to you." Then kiss him and leave.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> "Coming over for a coffee"...does that mean sit down with me and talk or does that mean sit down with me and drink coffee?
> 
> You should be ok with "sit down with me and talk". Sitting down with me and drinking a coffee at my apartment is just a continuation of the same old dynamic that isn't working for you.
> 
> If he doesn't want to "talk" then I suggest you calmly say, "well I was hoping that you wanted to talk about yesterday and our relationship and that is why I am here. If you don't want to talk then I really have no business being here and I am going home. You have now seen how we can be good together again and I have really grown from this whole experience, but this apartment and this current situation/separation is not working for me anymore. I love you and I want you and the rest of the family all together in our home. In my mind we have progressed all we can in this current situation. If you are willing to take the next step and try again then just do it. If not then I don't have anything else to say to you." Then kiss him and leave.


I didn't get to see the reply to my call for help until now. I went over and he had fixed coffee and breakfast. Seemed to me that just coming to drink coffee not talking was on the menu. So I drank my coffee. We had a little small talk . I had already eaten breakfast so I fixed me a plate and left shortly after . I'll still make it my business somehow to stress what you just said though. I think I may write and mail him a letter.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> "Coming over for a coffee"...does that mean sit down with me and talk or does that mean sit down with me and drink coffee?
> 
> You should be ok with "sit down with me and talk". Sitting down with me and drinking a coffee at my apartment is just a continuation of the same old dynamic that isn't working for you.
> 
> If he doesn't want to "talk" then I suggest you calmly say, "well I was hoping that you wanted to talk about yesterday and our relationship and that is why I am here. If you don't want to talk then I really have no business being here and I am going home. You have now seen how we can be good together again and I have really grown from this whole experience, but this apartment and this current situation/separation is not working for me anymore. I love you and I want you and the rest of the family all together in our home. In my mind we have progressed all we can in this current situation. If you are willing to take the next step and try again then just do it. If not then I don't have anything else to say to you." Then kiss him and leave.


This is worded so perfectly...he'll understand better where I'm coming from this way.


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## lostwithouthim

Tron said:


> "Coming over for a coffee"...does that mean sit down with me and talk or does that mean sit down with me and drink coffee?
> 
> You should be ok with "sit down with me and talk". Sitting down with me and drinking a coffee at my apartment is just a continuation of the same old dynamic that isn't working for you.
> 
> If he doesn't want to "talk" then I suggest you calmly say, "well I was hoping that you wanted to talk about yesterday and our relationship and that is why I am here. If you don't want to talk then I really have no business being here and I am going home. You have now seen how we can be good together again and I have really grown from this whole experience, but this apartment and this current situation/separation is not working for me anymore. I love you and I want you and the rest of the family all together in our home. In my mind we have progressed all we can in this current situation. If you are willing to take the next step and try again then just do it. If not then I don't have anything else to say to you." Then kiss him and leave.


:iagree:
Just a thought, I think I wouldn't go over to his apt at all or stay there. You could say to him from now on you just come here. The apt is your place not ours and I feel uncomfortable there. I know I wouldn't want to go over to my H's apt if we were looking to R, it wouldn't feel right!
Just my two pennies worth, I always seem to mis interpret your sitch


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## lostwithouthim

I had a phone call from H this morning. I made the mistake of telling him my plans for my business! Big big mistake! I must learn to keep my mouth shut in future!
He started going on about our conservatory and telling me how I should do the room up and open the outside door (so clients aren't even going into the house) and not let the cats into the room, etc.
He said I should ask my mum for the money to do the conservatory up. He thinks because my mum is wealthy then I should ask her for money. I've never asked my mum for any money, but if she gives me some money then I'll accept it graciously. He just doesn't seem to get it at all! He thinks my mum is selfish by not giving us any money to go on holiday or do up the conservatory, etc. He said if it was us then we'll make sure that our son had everything he wanted. I told him that we're different from my mum. He just doesn't get it! I mean it's my mum's money, why should she give us money? My H hasn't worked for a number of years and my mum is of the opinion that you should pay your way in life. I agree totally with this, but my H will say that it's because he's not been well, which is true but my mum can't see this. She just thinks he's a lazy good for nothing!
There's no convincing my H that my mum shouldn't be giving us any money. He said that life would have been so different if she had given us money for holiday and doing up the house SMH.
I feel that my H has a long want to go to sort these issues out. It's like he's blaming my mum for the break up! I can't understand why he's stuck in the past like this, we could've had all the money in the world and still split up!
I don't know if he'll ever recover from this and stop blaming my mum for not giving us money. I've told him in the past that I'm not asking for money and he's said yes but why? I've said well in one way it's pride. I like to think that everything that's come to me is something I've earned. 
As I've said before, my H is very money orientated and may always be. I am losing hope that he'll ever come back or whether I would want him back. I still love him and I would like to be a family again but he needs to get over this hurdle first.
Well after that phone call, you can guess what mood I was in! There's no reasoning with H either, I just have to let him vent. Luckily I went into town and had a chat with my friend which put me in a better mood  I've also spoken to one of my friends about this and she's as outraged about it as I am!
Any thoughts? He's obviously depressed again as he's always depressed when it comes to money!


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> This is worded so perfectly...he'll understand better where I'm coming from this way.


I haven't copyrighted it or anything, so feel free. 



And Lost,

From what you have described, your H is a user...a taker. It is the way he is made and he will never "get it". 

I could give a couple members of my W's family money to help them out because they struggle for money. But, I just can't do it. The reasons are quite simple:

1. they are very bad with money and would waste it frivolously, 
2. they make poor life decisions,
3. they wouldn't appreciate it, and
4. if I did, all they would do is expect more.

BTW, they are already mooching off my W's mother and grandmother and don't have any qualms about it. They expect it. 

I am not saying that you are that way, because you clearly have a decent appreciation for money and a little bit of pride. You even seem to have a subconscious moral understanding of what your mother is doing. But your H clearly has none of those things. 

If you divorced his azz, I am sure that your mother would change her tune almost immediately and be more than generous with you. As it stands now, all it would do is perpetuate your H's poor treatment of you and them.


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## catch22gofigure

I felt so bad after leaving then reading the replies i got from my dear buddies on here. I sent him a text saying that he sure knows how to grind n brew a great pot of coffee and that I had the breakfast plate for lunch and it was great as well. He never replied which scared me that I had messed up by leaving earlier. That was hours ago and now its time for him to leave for work. He stopped by uninvited and came in and brought me ice packs (i have a headache today and he knows from our convo earlier ) Tylenol, and a candy bar. Then kissed my forehead and walked away. I thanked him heartily. He then turned around and gave me a big fat kiss on the lips. So i didn't mess up too bad. And now can move forward with how I'm gonna say to him what Tron mentioned earlier. You guys think a letter is ok ?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I haven't copyrighted it or anything, so feel free.
> 
> 
> 
> And Lost,
> 
> From what you have described, your H is a user...a taker. It is the way he is made and he will never "get it".
> 
> I could give a couple members of my W's family money to help them out because they struggle for money. But, I just can't do it. The reasons are quite simple:
> 
> 1. they are very bad with money and would waste it frivolously,
> 2. they make poor life decisions,
> 3. they wouldn't appreciate it, and
> 4. if I did, all they would do is expect more.
> 
> BTW, they are already mooching off my W's mother and grandmother and don't have any qualms about it. They expect it.
> 
> I am not saying that you are that way, because you clearly have a decent appreciation for money and a little bot of pride. You even seem to have a subconscious moral understanding of what your mother is doing. But your H clearly has none of those things.
> 
> If you divorced his azz, I am sure that your mother would change her tune almost immediately and be more than generous with you. As it stands now, all it would do is perpetuate your H's poor treatment of you and them.


:iagree:


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> I felt so bad after leaving then reading the replies i got from my dear buddies on here. I sent him a text saying that he sure knows how to grind n brew a great pot of coffee and that I had the breakfast plate for lunch and it was great as well. He never replied which scared me that I had messed up by leaving earlier. That was hours ago and now its time for him to leave for work. He stopped by uninvited and came in and brought me ice packs (i have a headache today and he knows from our convo earlier ) Tylenol, and a candy bar. Then kissed my forehead and walked away. I thanked him heartily. He then turned around and gave me a big fat kiss on the lips. So i didn't mess up too bad. And now can move forward with how I'm gonna say to him what Tron mentioned earlier. You guys think a letter is ok ?


I dunno about a letter, I always believe in saying things to people's faces. It will take guts to say what you need to say to your H, but you are a strong person Catch and you can do it


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## lostwithouthim

So what you are saying is that there's no hope for our marriage to work out at all then? That I should give up and file for D? I'm not going D this man just because I think my mum will give me more money. I love him whatever his faults are and he is a great father to our son. The only fault in him is his materialistic attitude. I'm sure if he went to see an IC and talked to him about it then it would become clearer to him. He is a lovely man, it's only when he gets depressed that he starts talking this way. I'll leave him alone for the rest of the week now and hopefully next time I speak to him then he will be more positive. He has only started talking like this when he was first diagnosed with depression. When he was working full time and money was coming in, then things weren't an issue. He just can't see it. You must also understand that the WAS talks negatively at times and only looks for the negative in people close to him.
I've asked my life coach to chat to him about his depression next time he does some work for her. Hopefully he'll see what she is saying and go to the docs. We can but hope


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> I dunno about a letter, I always believe in saying things to people's faces. It will take guts to say what you need to say to your H, but you are a strong person Catch and you can do it


True. He shuts down though which leaves me sitting there all uncomfortable. ..pouring my heart out and getting nothing in return. That's what happened last week. You're probably right though. Idk.. just a goofy idea I had .


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> True. He shuts down though which leaves me sitting there all uncomfortable. ..pouring my heart out and getting nothing in return. That's what happened last week. You're probably right though. Idk.. just a goofy idea I had .


I like the idea.

My W still reads the letters I wrote her many years ago...


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## lostwithouthim

catch22gofigure said:


> True. He shuts down though which leaves me sitting there all uncomfortable. ..pouring my heart out and getting nothing in return. That's what happened last week. You're probably right though. Idk.. just a goofy idea I had .


I think nearly everyone on here has thought about writing their spouse a letter. It'll be my turn next, lol  My IC told me to write a letter but don't send it. That way you've got everything you want to say to him on paper and even if you don't have it in front of you when you talk to him about it, you'll reword the letter so many times you'll know it off by heart anyway  
I have written my H a letter, but I never sent it to him. I wrote it out on word and then I read it a few times to make sure it's what I wanted to say and it made sense.
I did have an opportunity to say what I wanted to say to him when he was talking about divorce. I just recalled what I said on the letter, not that it did much good though, lol


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## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> I love him whatever his faults are and he is a great father to our son. The only fault in him is his materialistic attitude. I'm sure if he went to see an IC and talked to him about it then it would become clearer to him. He is a lovely man, it's only when he gets depressed that he starts talking this way.


Lost, 

That is a bunch of baloney. No offense, Lost, but he has cheated on you...maybe multiple times. He has left you multiple times. He has no job, no work, lacks motivation, is depressed, has mental issues, has communication issues, treats you poorly, and treats your family poorly, and is now after your money and your parents money. 

I am sure that if you actually sat down and thought about all of the crap you have gone through with him and listed all of the bad stuff he has done to you, you would be hard pressed to sit back and say this is a really great guy and worthy of my love. Your parents obviously don't think so. What do they know that you don't? Maybe they aren't clouded by their emotions and can see things more objectively than you. Maybe they are just biased against him and want to protect you. From this chair it would seem they have some good reasons for feeling that way.

I am not telling you to divorce him so you can access your parents' money. I am not telling you to divorce him at all. That is your decision and yours alone to make. You decide if you would be better off without him in your life.


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## lostwithouthim

ok I think I'll go NC with this thread!! I'll just stick with the DB forum from now on and Christian forums!! At least at the DB forum they never say you're better off without him and the Christian forums all tell me that marriage is sacred and to never give up!! Bye bye, hope you all get what you want out of life  I've never heard such a negative attitude in my life! I know he has his faults and I'm not letting his faults cloud my judgement but he is still my son's dad and my husband. It's been nice knowing you all sniff :'(


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## catch22gofigure

D


lostwithouthim said:


> So what you are saying is that there's no hope for our marriage to work out at all then? That I should give up and file for D? I'm not going D this man just because I think my mum will give me more money. I love him whatever his faults are and he is a great father to our son. The only fault in him is his materialistic attitude. I'm sure if he went to see an IC and talked to him about it then it would become clearer to him. He is a lovely man, it's only when he gets depressed that he starts talking this way. I'll leave him alone for the rest of the week now and hopefully next time I speak to him then he will be more positive. He has only started talking like this when he was first diagnosed with depression. When he was working full time and money was coming in, then things weren't an issue. He just can't see it. You must also understand that the WAS talks negatively at times and only looks for the negative in people close to him.
> I've asked my life coach to chat to him about his depression next time he does some work for her. Hopefully he'll see what she is saying and go to the docs. We can but hope


Lost, you have more patience than Job your H. How dare he expect anything from your family.


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## Tron

lostwithouthim said:


> ok I think I'll go NC with this thread!! I'll just stick with the DB forum from now on and Christian forums!! At least at the DB forum they never say you're better off without him and the Christian forums all tell me that marriage is sacred and to never give up!! Bye bye, hope you all get what you want out of life  I've never heard such a negative attitude in my life! I know he has his faults and I'm not letting his faults cloud my judgement but he is still my son's dad and my husband. It's been nice knowing you all sniff :'(


You are very sensitive today Lost. Sorry to ruffle your feathers. I didn't say you were better off without him, I think I said it was your decision to stay or go and your decision on whether you are or are not better off without him.

And I also believe that marriage is sacred. The bible also gives instances where it is ok to divorce. Just sayin'

You know he has his faults but say his only fault is money. I disagree with you. You choose to defend him. That's OK. 

Do you want me to pump you some sunshine and tell you that he is coming home and things are going to be great soon? I would if it would help. I don't believe it. The reality based upon what you tell us here is that he is giving you virtually nothing to work with, no indication that he wants to be with you. I think he likes things this way, that his mind is made up about his future and it doesn't include you. I'm sorry about that and hope I am wrong. I have been wrong before. 

That said, I think you are doing good things for yourself and making some good progress internally. Maybe a little too much focus on the H, but that is why you are here, is it not?

Either way, don't let me run you off of TAM. I won't comment on your posts anymore.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You are very sensitive today Lost. Sorry to ruffle your feathers. I didn't say you were better off without him, I think I said it was your decision to stay or go and your decision on whether you are or are not better off without him.
> 
> And I also believe that marriage is sacred. The bible also gives instances where it is ok to divorce. Just sayin'
> 
> You know he has his faults but say his only fault is money. I disagree with you. You choose to defend him. That's OK.
> 
> Do you want me to pump you some sunshine and tell you that he is coming home and things are going to be great soon? I would if it would help. I don't believe it. The reality based upon what you tell us here is that he is giving you virtually nothing to work with, no indication that he wants to be with you. I think he likes things this way, that his mind is made up about his future and it doesn't include you. I'm sorry about that and hope I am wrong. I have been wrong before.
> 
> That said, I think you are doing good things for yourself and making some good progress internally. Maybe a little too much focus on the H, but that is why you are here, is it not?
> 
> Either way, don't let me run you off of TAM. I won't comment on your posts anymore.


Again...:iagree:


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I like the idea.
> 
> My W still reads the letters I wrote her many years ago...


K, well Im gonna get one going here in a few. That way at least I get the chance to get it all out.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> K, well Im gonna get one going here in a few. That way at least I get the chance to get it all out.




Wow! Catch, I am so happy to hear of the progress you guys are making. I know you aren't out of the woods yet, but you sure are well on your way to being there. I will miss your company on this crappy train ride we have been on, but I will shake and shimmy a happy dance for you when you are no longer a passenger. It has been soooooo cool to see how much you have grown since I have joined this board. I pray my husband's heart will soften enough soon and that he will also start to think about coming home. 


Today was my husband's birthday. It's weird ... it made me more sad that I could not share this day with him over Sunday when it was our anniversary. Sunday I was confused as to what to do, but my husband called me and we talked for a long time. I guess that was his way of spending the day with me? I dunno. :scratchhead: My daughter is going away for the rest of the week so I guess it will be a quiet week for me except for work. I worked extra hours today so tomorrow I get to work a short day. YEA! For me. 


I hope I didn't mess up with the gift I gave to my husband. I made him a quilt. Our daughter says he hasn't opened it so I don't know if it was too personal of a gift or not. Oh well...it's kind of too late now. 

I am praying for you Catch...much continued success for you.


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## catch22gofigure

lostwithouthim said:


> ok I think I'll go NC with this thread!! I'll just stick with the DB forum from now on and Christian forums!! At least at the DB forum they never say you're better off without him and the Christian forums all tell me that marriage is sacred and to never give up!! Bye bye, hope you all get what you want out of life  I've never heard such a negative attitude in my life! I know he has his faults and I'm not letting his faults cloud my judgement but he is still my son's dad and my husband. It's been nice knowing you all sniff :'(


I hate to see you go Lost. But I agree with Tron. This man, your H , by your description, is not the "good person" you're describing now. This man seems to have thought he married a gold mine and is tired of waiting to reap the benefits. You really need to think about this one. Those people on DB are getting paid to feed you what it is you're wanting to hear. The non moderators have either bought the book, cd, phone therapy or something so they are hoping like you that the DB works. Here you have everyday people who are going through things like you are. We not getting paid to come here. And idk about y'all but i didn't pay nothing to be here. Just using my time, experiences, convo to people who in hoping have insight to help me through as we help each other through. I come back because I genuinely care about people after getting to know them. And from thec outside looking in through your posts...you and your son deserve better. You can do and feel bad all by yourself. Real friend don't sugar coat things for their friends. They tell them exactly how they think or feel out of care and concern. Sorry you took it that way. But honestly no woman who knows her worth would continue this way. Remember boys pattern themselves after dad and other men close in their lives. Do you want to send the message to your son that this is acceptable way of life for a man to be towards his family or wife, better yet even himself ?


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Wow! Catch, I am so happy to hear of the progress you guys are making. I know you aren't out of the woods yet, but you sure are well on your way to being there. I will miss your company on this crappy train ride we have been on, but I will shake and shimmy a happy dance for you when you are no longer a passenger. It has been soooooo cool to see how much you have grown since I have joined this board. I pray my husband's heart will soften enough soon and that he will also start to think about coming home.
> 
> 
> Today was my husband's birthday. It's weird ... it made me more sad that I could not share this day with him over Sunday when it was our anniversary. Sunday I was confused as to what to do, but my husband called me and we talked for a long time. I guess that was his way of spending the day with me? I dunno. :scratchhead: My daughter is going away for the rest of the week so I guess it will be a quiet week for me except for work. I worked extra hours today so tomorrow I get to work a short day. YEA! For me.
> 
> 
> I hope I didn't mess up with the gift I gave to my husband. I made him a quilt. Our daughter says he hasn't opened it so I don't know if it was too personal of a gift or not. Oh well...it's kind of too late now.
> 
> I am praying for you Catch...much continued success for you.


Thanks Nemo. Just keep taking it one day at a time.one interaction at a time. Im no where near there yet, but hopefully soon things will be as planned. I know the feeling your having. My bday is this week. Im not expecting anything more than a day like all the rest of the days. Not sure if he will want to celebrate or what. I purposely haven't made any plans for the day after my bday. He'll be off that night and I will accept if he decides he wants to celebrate with me somehow. If he doesn't even acknowledge it, im ok with that. I'm just at my point where the littlest things are of not much importance. Guess I'm finally learning to not sweat the small stuff and most importantly stopping that analyzing that im known to do. 
I suggest you practice not analyzing. That's what's got you right now. Don't oversdose but take a couple of sips of I don't care and move forward from there. Thought gives way to care. So focus on keeping a clear mind and it'll be easier to stop analyzing. ..some. it never goes away it seems. You just learn to better control it. Until I was able to stop reacting. I wasn't able to stop over analyzing. 

I credit any growth you may see to God first and you all on this thread. I'm one strong willed person and not easily convinced or swayed. I am moved by what I know works. You all have given me a fresh approach on things as they shift with us continually. You put me in my place when I get off course, un focused, or just plain ol tired of it all. And I appreciate every bit of it.


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## catch22gofigure

I sure want to hear from NotEz ... have any of you heard from our friend ? What's the rate of people to continue to come here after R ?


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## NotEZ

I'm still here catch.. I read everyday. Haven't been posting because I broke my keyboard at home and now I have to copy and paste letter by letter :scratchhead: Need to go grab a new one but have been sooo busy the past week. I'm at my sisters now, so typing freely lol.

Things are still going great for us. H took the girls to visit his dad last friday, so I've been on my own all week. Was a last minute thing so I stayed home for work. They will be back home tomorrow or thursday. I've talked to them every night and have gotten an "I love you and miss you" from him each time :smthumbup: 

He is even back to coming to all family things with me, something he has done NONE of since we separated, including when we were just living there. Its been really really great. We still have a lot to work on, but the effort has been there on both sides over the past month. We are communicating much better now. It was easy to blame the communication problems on him not talking and shutting down, but its become very clear that it was the way I chose to express any issues that was the real problem. He is much more receptive, and very much willing, to deal with any issues that arise.... when they are brought to him in a respectful and loving way rather than a reactive, criticizing way. Who would have thought 

I am now to the point where I can say with honesty that this may be the best thing to every happen to us. Without a doubt the most painful year of my life, but worth every second if we come out stronger and happier than ever.


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## catch22gofigure

NotEz , I'm sooo happy for you all !!!!:smthumbup: this is great news !! I was hoping,even kind of felt like you were around and just not saying anything.. lol please continue to do so ever so often. If an R ever comes my way. I know I'll be still coming here too. Maybe not as often , but definitely here. This site is chock full of info.

Wishing you all much continued success NotEz !!!


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## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> NotEz , I'm sooo happy for you all !!!!:smthumbup: this is great news !! I was hoping,even kind of felt like you were around and just not saying anything.. lol please continue to do so ever so often. If an R ever comes my way. I know I'll be still coming here too. Maybe not as often , but definitely here. This site is chock full of info.
> 
> Wishing you all much continued success NotEz !!!


Oh don't you worry, I'm always here. This site is in my favorites so its easy enough to read (which I do about 3 times a day), it just takes me 3 hours to copy and paste a sentence  I know, I know... I need to stop being lazy and get to the store 

You've been doing pretty good yourself. I so meant to respond to your post last week regarding NC being much the same as what you used to do when you were pissed about something. Alas, that was the day after I lost my ability to type. Had I been able to respond, my advice would have been very similar to what you've been doing.

The reason for the NC advice to begin with was to make your H realize that it is a two way street... that he can't have everything for nothing. I'm of the opinion that you are accomplishing that just through him having to come to you instead of you always going to him. Like I said a while ago, they feel safe in their own house. When you (like me) were always there, they had it all. They had their safety and their spouse... without every having to give more because you were already there. When you take that away (you just by staying at home, me by leaving) they realize that its not that easy. 

He is now following you home and staying with you. Be there for him, talk to him, be his wife...just do it at home. His apt may offer him safety, but if it doesn't offer him you, he will soon decide which is more important to him. 

We didn't have a house to go back to (I moved out of it in December of last year), but for 6 months he had his family plus the safety of HIS place so he didn't have to choose anything... when we left, he realized the safety of his own place didn't mean anything if we weren't with him. 

Its clear, to me at least, that your H isn't going to just let you go... so I think its very likely that he is going to soon realize that either a) there is very little point in keeping and paying for an apt that he is never in since he's always with you or b) is going to bring up the fact he is paying for an apt that he is never in leading to an actual conversation as to why he feels its necessary to not be in your home, IF thats the way he feels.

Either way, stay the course you are on. Continue to be the wife he can't stay away from but keep him coming to YOU instead of the other way around. He has to realize on his own whats more important. He already knows, he wouldn't be spending all his time with you if he didn't... he just needs to realize it.


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## whitehawk

You got a lot of very big points here Not.

Trouble is , it's making me think l passed up the boats big time.
My x has offered to come out , we're out of town , dozens of times.
You know everyone round here , even over at db , reckon oh she'd be letting you know don't you worry but l always think , oh no she won't , not like that anyway. She's a bit like Catch's H , never just spits things out .
Just tonight she offered to drop in just to pick something up. l said nahh , l'll run it into you.
On this time that was just because she has so much of running round for work l wanted to save her some but on a lot of the others it was a more well she moved out , no thanks. Thinking l'd be 180ing it.

Maybe l had it did it all wrong , maybe l should be encouraging it because your points make a lot of sense,


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## Tron

NotEZ said:


> Oh don't you worry, I'm always here. This site is in my favorites so its easy enough to read (which I do about 3 times a day), it just takes me 3 hours to copy and paste a sentence  I know, I know... I need to stop being lazy and get to the store
> 
> You've been doing pretty good yourself. I so meant to respond to your post last week regarding NC being much the same as what you used to do when you were pissed about something. Alas, that was the day after I lost my ability to type. Had I been able to respond, my advice would have been very similar to what you've been doing.
> 
> The reason for the NC advice to begin with was to make your H realize that it is a two way street... that he can't have everything for nothing. I'm of the opinion that you are accomplishing that just through him having to come to you instead of you always going to him. Like I said a while ago, they feel safe in their own house. When you (like me) were always there, they had it all. They had their safety and their spouse... without every having to give more because you were already there. When you take that away (you just by staying at home, me by leaving) they realize that its not that easy.
> 
> He is now following you home and staying with you. Be there for him, talk to him, be his wife...just do it at home. His apt may offer him safety, but if it doesn't offer him you, he will soon decide which is more important to him.
> 
> We didn't have a house to go back to (I moved out of it in December of last year), but for 6 months he had his family plus the safety of HIS place so he didn't have to choose anything... when we left, he realized the safety of his own place didn't mean anything if we weren't with him.
> 
> Its clear, to me at least, that your H isn't going to just let you go... so I think its very likely that he is going to soon realize that either a) there is very little point in keeping and paying for an apt that he is never in since he's always with you or b) is going to bring up the fact he is paying for an apt that he is never in leading to an actual conversation as to why he feels its necessary to not be in your home, IF thats the way he feels.
> 
> Either way, stay the course you are on. Continue to be the wife he can't stay away from but keep him coming to YOU instead of the other way around. He has to realize on his own whats more important. He already knows, he wouldn't be spending all his time with you if he didn't... he just needs to realize it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

There you go Catch. Explained better than what I did in PM. Keep on. I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Just a warning though, going back to some of our earlier posts a couple months ago...your H is not a big talker. 

If you want someone to engage in deep meaningful conversations, you are welcome to try again with your H, but don't expect too much and don't get disappointed with him. Having a few girlfriends (not guy friends) to have those conversations with may be your best bet. 

Have a great day!


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Oh don't you worry, I'm always here. This site is in my favorites so its easy enough to read (which I do about 3 times a day), it just takes me 3 hours to copy and paste a sentence  I know, I know... I need to stop being lazy and get to the store
> 
> You've been doing pretty good yourself. I so meant to respond to your post last week regarding NC being much the same as what you used to do when you were pissed about something. Alas, that was the day after I lost my ability to type. Had I been able to respond, my advice would have been very similar to what you've been doing.
> 
> The reason for the NC advice to begin with was to make your H realize that it is a two way street... that he can't have everything for nothing. I'm of the opinion that you are accomplishing that just through him having to come to you instead of you always going to him. Like I said a while ago, they feel safe in their own house. When you (like me) were always there, they had it all. They had their safety and their spouse... without every having to give more because you were already there. When you take that away (you just by staying at home, me by leaving) they realize that its not that easy.
> 
> He is now following you home and staying with you. Be there for him, talk to him, be his wife...just do it at home. His apt may offer him safety, but if it doesn't offer him you, he will soon decide which is more important to him.
> 
> We didn't have a house to go back to (I moved out of it in December of last year), but for 6 months he had his family plus the safety of HIS place so he didn't have to choose anything... when we left, he realized the safety of his own place didn't mean anything if we weren't with him.
> 
> Its clear, to me at least, that your H isn't going to just let you go... so I think its very likely that he is going to soon realize that either a) there is very little point in keeping and paying for an apt that he is never in since he's always with you or b) is going to bring up the fact he is paying for an apt that he is never in leading to an actual conversation as to why he feels its necessary to not be in your home, IF thats the way he feels.
> 
> Either way, stay the course you are on. Continue to be the wife he can't stay away from but keep him coming to YOU instead of the other way around. He has to realize on his own whats more important. He already knows, he wouldn't be spending all his time with you if he didn't... he just needs to realize it.



Ok , thanks so much for the advice. I hang onto every word that you all tell me for the most part. Because sometimes I just don't trust my own judgement on this matter. I do feel confident in knowing that this will all be over for the best or worse here shortly. I'm gonna update here in a sec.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> There you go Catch. Explained better than what I did in PM. Keep on. I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
> 
> Just a warning though, going back to some of our earlier posts a couple months ago...your H is not a big talker.
> 
> If you want someone to engage in deep meaningful conversations, you are welcome to try again with your H, but don't expect too much and don't get disappointed with him. Having a few girlfriends (not guy friends) to have those conversations with may be your best bet.
> 
> Have a great day!


Yep i've all but given up on having that type of conversation with him...lol it's just not gonna happen I see. Thing is thought the deep convo I want is only about him. We talk pretty deeply about eeeevvvvveeerrryyyttthhiinngg else ;but his feelings about us. It's always been this way. He will do it though. I mean it's so rare the last.time may have been like 5-6 years ago. Randomly is how it comes out. Not in conversation about anything just out the blue he'll get started. But ya better listen close and don't engage much in the convo...because it's a point where he realizes what he's doing and shuts down...mid convo. I haven't even checked my PM yet..let me go there now.


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## catch22gofigure

Ok...im such a cornball sometimes. ...you meant the PM from the other day, right ? Because I just checked my box and there's nothing there. I was like duhhhh Catch (well not catch cause surely that's not my real name...lol ) you've already read the one he's talking about.


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> You got a lot of very big points here Not.
> 
> Trouble is , it's making me think l passed up the boats big time.
> My x has offered to come out , we're out of town , dozens of times.
> You know everyone round here , even over at db , reckon oh she'd be letting you know don't you worry but l always think , oh no she won't , not like that anyway. She's a bit like Catch's H , never just spits things out .
> Just tonight she offered to drop in just to pick something up. l said nahh , l'll run it into you.
> On this time that was just because she has so much of running round for work l wanted to save her some but on a lot of the others it was a more well she moved out , no thanks. Thinking l'd be 180ing it.
> 
> Maybe l had it did it all wrong , maybe l should be encouraging it because your points make a lot of sense,


Won't hurt to try initiating a little. She may be scared of any rejection since the other offers to come out are rejected. Me personally, I wouldn't keep asking and you keep rejecting me....nawlll. That would be the end of that. Even though on the inside im impatiently waiting for you to invite. ..because my fear of being rejected won't let me offer again. I would think there's a reason you don't want me to your place. Possibly because you've moved on. 
Not saying that you have...but saying this. What if? ..just what if. Your W , even our H are researching online and other places for advice like we are. I mean in my book, no one but me knows I come here. In my H mind i've said i would not do all I did last time attempting to seek some help alone. That he would have to initiate that. So that's more than likely what he still thinks. Yet I come here numerous times daily seeking just that...
So what if she is 180ing you. What if she has gotten a hold to a forum. Her 180 would more than likely tell her to stop initiating. Idk...just my hypothesis


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok...im such a cornball sometimes. ...you meant the PM from the other day, right ? Because I just checked my box and there's nothing there. I was like duhhhh Catch (well not catch cause surely that's not my real name...lol ) you've already read the one he's talking about.


Yep.


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## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Won't hurt to try initiating a little. She may be scared of any rejection since the other offers to come out are rejected. Me personally, I wouldn't keep asking and you keep rejecting me....nawlll. That would be the end of that. Even though on the inside im impatiently waiting for you to invite. ..because my fear of being rejected won't let me offer again. I would think there's a reason you don't want me to your place. Possibly because you've moved on.
> Not saying that you have...but saying this. What if? ..just what if. Your W , even our H are researching online and other places for advice like we are. I mean in my book, no one but me knows I come here. In my H mind i've said i would not do all I did last time attempting to seek some help alone. That he would have to initiate that. So that's more than likely what he still thinks. Yet I come here numerous times daily seeking just that...
> So what if she is 180ing you. What if she has gotten a hold to a forum. Her 180 would more than likely tell her to stop initiating. Idk...just my hypothesis



Thanks Catch , always appreciate you views on this.
And your right , if x even suspects rejection she's out . lt's a combo of pride, past hurts even growing up and then feeling l rejected her in our last 18mths .
Had to see her today on finances and attempted to begin turning it around , see what me gets 
Hoping if she feels an openness to it from here she may start up again with the ideas and offers.
Mind you , there might have been just about helping my d through this but , we'll see what happens.

Couldn't agree with Tron more on H Catch.
You see it's just the way people like that are built . Sometimes it's like expecting the night to just turn into day , can't happen.
My x use to really try with the talking stuff but it just wasn't her . You had to get it going first . She'd come good for a wk but always end up back to her ways it's just how she was , her dads exactly the same.
Same with her slopping ways round the kitchen. lt was painful , and funny , just watching her trying to be all clean , it just wasn't something that came natural to her .

But what she'd usually do in the end is try in her way , this is probably what your h will do, l think he has been for awhile . But what's huge to them is almost nothing to us , because it comes natural to us but for them it's literally a leopard trying to change it's spots.

Good luck anyway .


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## Finding Nemo

Need some advice here after an interesting night of conversation last night. I got off work early yesterday because I worked a lot the day before. My boss is really strict about if you work hard you go play hard. So, I drove my daughter to FIL's shop so that she could stay the week with FIL and his girlfriend and kids. When I was on my way back home I sent a message to my husband letting him know our daughter was with FIL. I don't know why I also wrote this, but I also told him that I don't expect to see or hear from him since our daughter wasn't at home, but I do love him and if by any chance he would like to call and just chat some time I would like that very much. 

Around 10pm last night my phone rang and it was my husband. He told me that he had received my message and he said not to worry that he was planning to call me even though our daughter is away. That made me feel good. We continued to talk untill 3am. We talked about finances, we talked about a game plan to help save up some money before he is terminated from his job, we talked about my paycheck issues as they haven't taken out very much social security so my husband wants me to ask my payroll person if they would change it. The conversation was so light and so productive -- my husband instigating the entire conversation. 

During our conversation he tells me that he needs me to try and carry the house payment if I would. He said that he was trying to figure out a way to leave the apartment and come home, but there is clause in his lease that says if he leaves the lease early he would have to pay the remaining part of the lease upfront. Which we can't afford. He said something about being able to sublease the apartment. By the time he is let go from him job, there will be three months left on the apartment - so he is seriously thinking of subleasing it out. I am not quite sure what this means though because he never actually said I will come home at X time only that he was thinking about it to help reduce the bills. 

He told me that he hopes that I understand why he wants to try and stay at the apartment as long as he can. He said that he is really getting a lot out of his classes and being by himself at the apartment allows him time to process and grow. He admitted to me what his flaws are and he told me what he thinks mine are -- and he is right. He knows how to walk away from an arguement, but he doesn't know how to tell someone he is leaving and / or when he will be back. I on the other hand don't know how to let something go once he walks out the door because I get scared he isn't coming back. So, he wants me to work with my IC on this during the time he lives in the apartment. 

I took a page out of Catch's book and I didn't react to the things he was telling me. I told him thank you for telling me what you think we need to work on and I did agree to talk with my IC. He said he wants to come back and discuss this some more as this is the first real break through in conversation we have had.

I need help with the issue my husband asked me to please work on. He is right. My entire issue over the past four years has been his interaction with the OW and it makes me mad the he tells me he wants this and that, but he never gives me the opportunity to fullfill those needs because he's been busy snacking on her compliments and attention at work all day. Then when I try to have a conversation with him about this he get defensive. Which takes it up a notch. Then he will want to avoids talking about anything and he just up and leaves. I don't even know he is gone. Which freaks me out and after a while this starts to make me mad because it makes me feel like I am not good enough to put before the OW. This lead him to his online accounts where he says he doens't talk to anyone but the way the sites work, it make him feel good about himself the way women send him messages, etc. He said he doesn't intend to do anything with it, but it makes him feel good. Which then starts this cycle all over again -- snacking away from home and leaving no appetitie for eating dinner with his wife. There are some more issues that go along with this, but I would like to start here and learn how to deal with this better. 

What do you recommend for me? I am open to do any home work I need to do. That is after I get some sleep as going to bed at 3am and getting up at 6am this morning was painful. Painful, but it was worth it to have such a productive conversation -- and for once I didn't have to force it to happen.

Oops...forgot to say that I am still planning to kind of do 180 - or perhaps I should just say that I don't plan to contact him very much while our daughter is away. It seems to helping if I let my husband come to me .. but he also is enjoying receiving small text messages on occassion so I think I will keep doing that so that he continues to feel like I care about him -- because I do.


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## catch22gofigure

Girrrrrrrrlllllll !!!!! This is great news !!! I'm literally about to jump out my seat !!! There is nothing you should do if you ask me. People have different learning styles this man has clearly taken the time he has alone to truly with nothing or no one interrupting his thoughts to formulate a plan !!! What da ya mean what you should do ??!! This is one time that you need to let him do him. He is doing what it takes to not go deep in debt and cause further stress on the marriage. Telling you he's learning a lot feom the classes he's taking. What's 3 more months ? That's something to work towards and know which way you're going. Not just around and around on this train ride. He even said you all will talk more later. You never know what that convo could contain. Hopefully even more goodies 

Great Job too on not reacting ! It's strange how it really makes a lot of difference. Something I never knew before. I wish i'd learned about it years ago. A lot of things would be very different in not just my marriage ;but my life overall.


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## Tron

Nemo,

That is really great that you two are actually talking about things.

So, when you wanted to talk about the EA/PA he would just shut down and disengage. Unfortunately that is really destructive behavior when trying to get over infidelity.

Now that you are talking you might send him this link and have him read it so that he can understand your actions when all that was going down. It will also explain why his behavior at that time was so hurtful to you and why things escalated in unhealthy ways:

Joseph's Letter

Take a look.


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## catch22gofigure

Ok here's my updates 
Well i've continued to do what im calling the Low-No Contact. .lol I still have not been consistant with my answering of phone calls. I have only visited his place once for 24 minutes since I last updated; but have been invited 4 times. Once I got there I notice that he was just wanting to stir around like one big happy family....I found a way to leave in a very business like manner.

His phone calls from work get answered only if I'm not doing anything, including surfing the net or playing a game on my phone. I am not a phone talker. He hates texting. Id rather text. Since my Low-No , he now texts me OFTEN. I'm impressed actually, so I text back immediately anytime he sends me something. I also initiate texting at least once a day for the past two days. He's been staying at home though, but calls me and talks to me until he goes to sleep . Remember he gets off about 1 in the morning . I wassssss waiting up for him when I was spending more time at his apt. Now...if im up, I'll talk to him for about 30 min then I end the phone call and go to bed. So for the past two nights he has not been over here after work, nor have I been over there, neither has he been able to talk to me . I've been sound asleep by the time he gets off. I said all of that to say this....

3 nights ago there was a show coming on on a channel that the kids and I don't get at home. So H suggested that even though he was at work, we should go to his apartment and watch it. Now this show was coming on at 11:00 pm. I agreed. As since he was not there that it would be no harm for me to go over for the show. So the kids and I go over, watch the show , and leave. When I talked to H on his last break he knew we had made it over. He was upbeat and fine on this phone call. Well me and the kids had ordered pizza before we got to his place. We brought it and snacks along with us. Apparently one of the kids spilled soda im the kitchen unbeknownst to me. Well when he got in his yard he called me and asked are you all in there ? I said no,we're home. He said I thought you all were gonna "stay" and watch the show. I told him that we watched the show and went home. He then said hmph and said he'd call me back when he got inside and settle. Well. ..when hecalled back he sounded furious ! He had found the spilled soda in the kitchen. The tone of his voice, his choice of words was all too familiar for me. I lost it guys, I reacted,...but I totally lost it. I screamed back at him for just a second long enough realize that i was reacting and thenbegan. to speak in a stern mothering type voice. I told him to "listen here" I am not your child, I didn't spill the dang soda! Itold him i understand his frustration;but that no longer do I have to deal with his man period ! I told him his moving out relieved me of that duty that I was tired of fulfilling anyway. He said what's that supposed to mean, i said it means that you take your frustrations out on me verbally A LOT ! I said not since we separated but during the marriage you did. I said I know I'm guilty of doing the same thing and much more. But I've stopped all that and you know it. He said, yeah you have. I said i refuse from this day forward to listen to it. Me and our kids will stay our azzes at home and I'll come clean up the spill my dang self in the morning. Just let me know when you wakeu p. Now there were tears. He couldn't see them because this argument was over the phone(first one like this since separation) we really don't argue anymore. Anywho he said it's not all that serious. I said I beg to differ. You dialed all seven of my digits screaming and swearing about a spill of soda. Oh..this has to be pretty darn serious on top of the fact it's after 1 in the morning. I told him I will talk to him later and I hung up the phone. He waited about ten minutes and called back saying that he sorry if I took it like that. I asked him how else was I to take it. He got silent and said he was about to shower. I ok'd him and he hung up. He called back after his shower saying you know you all could have stayed over here if you wanted to. I said thank you but i should stay at home. I think he got mad because he really was expecting us to be therewhen he got home since the show came on so late and it was a school night. He didn't get his way and the soda spill set him off into the behavior that i taught him. 
The next day I did not hear from him all day long until about 8 p.m. this never happens, so it was new for me too. Kinda had me analyzing again, but i redirected those thoughts and he eventually called in his break. He was really dry and short with me. I said well hello, how are you stranger I've not heard from you all day. He then said you have my number just like i have yours. .i felt like:wtf: it took all I had in me not tp react, but I didn't. ..because he's right, in a perfect world. But in the world he has us in this is how it has yo be. So i will initiate a phone call or so every other day or so from here on out. That was...night before last. Yesterday was super busy for me. He called me at least 4 times before his work time . All efforts to get me to his apt. Well he had a last ditch effort right before he left for work and brought ground beef and. all the fixings for meatloaf for me to fix. He loves my meatloaf , but ummm I don't think so Mr. Im not your chef ...(he cooks just as well if not better than me ) So I said oh is this for a family meal together he said I guess ...something like that...so I took that as a yes...poor fella just can't communicate on sensitive subjects. 

So I guess I'll be making meatloaf Sunday. That'll be the only day he'll be off at dinner. Last night i was asleep when he got off. Now remember this guy doesn't liketexting and rarely initiates it unless he's somewhere he's not to use his phone and needs to tell me something or he's ticked and needs to ask me something(pre- separation) or he's called me several times and doesn't get a call back. That's it. But last night he called, then texted that he was home, then about 30 min later he texted "well I guess you're asleep, so I will talk to you in the morning, goodnight love."
:scratchhead: ummmmm who the hells H is this guy ??!! Can't be mine I know. I saw it when I got up in the middle of the night ,but i didn't want to wake him So i replied after i woke this morning. 
When he woke this morning he called me with a hearty god morning. He said he'd stop by before work . I honestly had so much to do today that I've just got back home. This is his carpool week where he doesn't have to drive. I turn. in my drive to find his vehicle in my yard. Got in thevhouse (the kids are home by now) the kids said daddy's carpool guy picked him up from here and here are his keys. Im like...okkkaaayyyy :scratchhead: ....i see where this is going though. H will be staying here tonight  
Just gonna see how awkward or not tomorrow goes. It'll be my birthday. So let's see if it's acknowledged. Either way im fine.

Whew ! That was a lot....lol


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## catch22gofigure

I was right he's here. Won't rightfully admit to why he's here. (Says he just so tired he may as well stay here instead of driving home ). I'll take that, the man only lives like four blocks away ..:lol: imtelling you this man can't just say, hey i want to stay here tonight...whatever. it's my birthday and hopefully it's gonna be a happy one. Can't worry much with this today


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## Tron

Happy Birthday Catch!


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I was right he's here. Won't rightfully admit to why he's here. (Says he just so tired he may as well stay here instead of driving home ). I'll take that, the man only lives like four blocks away ..:lol: imtelling you this man can't just say, hey i want to stay here tonight...whatever. it's my birthday and hopefully it's gonna be a happy one. Can't worry much with this today




Happy Birthday, Catch!! 

Hope your birthday is as wonderful as you are.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Happy Birthday Catch!


Thanks. Tron !! About to get my day started, lets see how this goes. .


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Happy Birthday, Catch!!
> 
> Hope your birthday is as wonderful as you are.


Awww gee thanks Nemo !!


----------



## NotEZ

Happy Birthday Catch! Hope you have a good one!


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Happy Birthday Catch! Hope you have a good one!


Thanks NotEz !!


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## catch22gofigure

goes


catch22gofigure said:


> Ok here's my updates
> Well i've continued to do what im calling the Low-No Contact. .lol I still have not been consistant with my answering of phone calls. I have only visited his place once for 24 minutes since I last updated; but have been invited 4 times. Once I got there I notice that he was just wanting to stir around like one big happy family....I found a way to leave in a very business like manner.
> 
> His phone calls from work get answered only if I'm not doing anything, including surfing the net or playing a game on my phone. I am not a phone talker. He hates texting. Id rather text. Since my Low-No , he now texts me OFTEN. I'm impressed actually, so I text back immediately anytime he sends me something. I also initiate texting at least once a day for the past two days. He's been staying at home though, but calls me and talks to me until he goes to sleep . Remember he gets off about 1 in the morning . I wassssss waiting up for him when I was spending more time at his apt. Now...if im up, I'll talk to him for about 30 min then I end the phone call and go to bed. So for the past two nights he has not been over here after work, nor have I been over there, neither has he been able to talk to me . I've been sound asleep by the time he gets off. I said all of that to say this....
> 
> 3 nights ago there was a show coming on on a channel that the kids and I don't get at home. So H suggested that even though he was at work, we should go to his apartment and watch it. Now this show was coming on at 11:00 pm. I agreed. As since he was not there that it would be no harm for me to go over for the show. So the kids and I go over, watch the show , and leave. When I talked to H on his last break he knew we had made it over. He was upbeat and fine on this phone call. Well me and the kids had ordered pizza before we got to his place. We brought it and snacks along with us. Apparently one of the kids spilled soda im the kitchen unbeknownst to me. Well when he got in his yard he called me and asked are you all in there ? I said no,we're home. He said I thought you all were gonna "stay" and watch the show. I told him that we watched the show and went home. He then said hmph and said he'd call me back when he got inside and settle. Well. ..when hecalled back he sounded furious ! He had found the spilled soda in the kitchen. The tone of his voice, his choice of words was all too familiar for me. I lost it guys, I reacted,...but I totally lost it. I screamed back at him for just a second long enough realize that i was reacting and thenbegan. to speak in a stern mothering type voice. I told him to "listen here" I am not your child, I didn't spill the dang soda! Itold him i understand his frustration;but that no longer do I have to deal with his man period ! I told him his moving out relieved me of that duty that I was tired of fulfilling anyway. He said what's that supposed to mean, i said it means that you take your frustrations out on me verbally A LOT ! I said not since we separated but during the marriage you did. I said I know I'm guilty of doing the same thing and much more. But I've stopped all that and you know it. He said, yeah you have. I said i refuse from this day forward to listen to it. Me and our kids will stay our azzes at home and I'll come clean up the spill my dang self in the morning. Just let me know when you wakeu p. Now there were tears. He couldn't see them because this argument was over the phone(first one like this since separation) we really don't argue anymore. Anywho he said it's not all that serious. I said I beg to differ. You dialed all seven of my digits screaming and swearing about a spill of soda. Oh..this has to be pretty darn serious on top of the fact it's after 1 in the morning. I told him I will talk to him later and I hung up the phone. He waited about ten minutes and called back saying that he sorry if I took it like that. I asked him how else was I to take it. He got silent and said he was about to shower. I ok'd him and he hung up. He called back after his shower saying you know you all could have stayed over here if you wanted to. I said thank you but i should stay at home. I think he got mad because he really was expecting us to be therewhen he got home since the show came on so late and it was a school night. He didn't get his way and the soda spill set him off into the behavior that i taught him.
> The next day I did not hear from him all day long until about 8 p.m. this never happens, so it was new for me too. Kinda had me analyzing again, but i redirected those thoughts and he eventually called in his break. He was really dry and short with me. I said well hello, how are you stranger I've not heard from you all day. He then said you have my number just like i have yours. .i felt like:wtf: it took all I had in me not tp react, but I didn't. ..because he's right, in a perfect world. But in the world he has us in this is how it has yo be. So i will initiate a phone call or so every other day or so from here on out. That was...night before last. Yesterday was super busy for me. He called me at least 4 times before his work time . All efforts to get me to his apt. Well he had a last ditch effort right before he left for work and brought ground beef and. all the fixings for meatloaf for me to fix. He loves my meatloaf , but ummm I don't think so Mr. Im not your chef ...(he cooks just as well if not better than me ) So I said oh is this for a family meal together he said I guess ...something like that...so I took that as a yes...poor fella just can't communicate on sensitive subjects.
> 
> So I guess I'll be making meatloaf Sunday. That'll be the only day he'll be off at dinner. Last night i was asleep when he got off. Now remember this guy doesn't liketexting and rarely initiates it unless he's somewhere he's not to use his phone and needs to tell me something or he's ticked and needs to ask me something(pre- separation) or he's called me several times and doesn't get a call back. That's it. But last night he called, then texted that he was home, then about 30 min later he texted "well I guess you're asleep, so I will talk to you in the morning, goodnight love."
> :scratchhead: ummmmm who the hells H is this guy ??!! Can't be mine I know. I saw it when I got up in the middle of the night ,but i didn't want to wake him So i replied after i woke this morning.
> When he woke this morning he called me with a hearty god morning. He said he'd stop by before work . I honestly had so much to do today that I've just got back home. This is his carpool week where he doesn't have to drive. I turn. in my drive to find his vehicle in my yard. Got in thevhouse (the kids are home by now) the kids said daddy's carpool guy picked him up from here and here are his keys. Im like...okkkaaayyyy :scratchhead: ....i see where this is going though. H will be staying here tonight
> Just gonna see how awkward or not tomorrow goes. It'll be my birthday. So let's see if it's acknowledged. Either way im fine.
> 
> Whew ! That was a lot....lol


While im here...
I just knowwww that someone gonna comment on all this good writing I did .... cause here goes another day of me with the truck in my yard. How fast or slow do I move with this guy ?


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> goes
> 
> While im here...
> I just knowwww that someone gonna comment on all this good writing I did .... cause here goes another day of me with the truck in my yard. How fast or slow do I move with this guy ?


Spent the whole day with you today, huh?

Have some fun with him. After all, it is your birthday.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Spent the whole day with you today, huh?
> 
> Have some fun with him. After all, it is your birthday.


Birthday was pretty cool. Hung out with some old friends. He worked that day. No gift only a happy birthday. I can't say i was hurt but i can say it's got me analyzing some. Which makes me really starting to want to distance myself even more. I wonder if he realizes that there's only a matter if time before i begin to fall out of love with him. I think im starting to not care a little too much. I actually wonder if he'd care.I surely don't want to but sometimes i wonder if that's what's happening. He's my only love as far as relationships. I've never done it before so idk :scratchhead:


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Birthday was pretty cool. Hung out with some old friends. He worked that day. No gift only a happy birthday. I can't say i was hurt but i can say it's got me analyzing some. Which makes me really starting to want to distance myself even more. I wonder if he realizes that there's only a matter if time before i begin to fall out of love with him. I think im starting to not care a little too much. I actually wonder if he'd care.I surely don't want to but sometimes i wonder if that's what's happening. He's my only love as far as relationships. I've never done it before so idk :scratchhead:




Catch, I don't think it is a matter of starting to not care a little too much. I think it is a matter of caring too much and having to be patient to get what we want. I think the feeling is intensified because of your birthday. I think it may be even more intensified because he didn't take the time to try and find you a gift or anything. It's making you feel unimportant to him. I am pretty sure this is what is happening in your head because I am experiencing some weird thoughts as well. Thoughts that I didn't have until yesterday. 

Today is my birthday and it is the first birthday I have ever been completely alone. It's making me think and analyze all kinds of stuff. My husband sent me a message a bit ago that says, "Good Night Nemo. I do hope you have a happy birthday. Please do not make it just another day. Do something special." This is really screwing with my head because I am sitting here thinking he doesn't care enough to even want to be near me. Why bother even caring about my birthday. I already told him I won't be his friend so if I am not his wife then stop caring anything about me and leave me completely alone. 

So what if he talks to me on the phone? It's not the same as spending time with me. He hasn't even said he loves me or anything even remotely similar to that in over a month. Am I supposed to guess if I am loved by reading between the words he says to me on the phone? To be honest, I think he cares about me, but doesn't love me. So I am asking myself why am I sitting here waiting on him? 

I want to ask him to come spend some time with me doing something, but I can't ask him to do something with me because he will flat out say no to me like he has every time I have asked him. I know that he has to put in time to get his community service work hours in and then he is supposed to go get our daughter from FIL. I could ride with him to get our daughter, but the invitation will not be presented to me. Just like always. 

I am kind of bugged tonight because he hasn't said I love you or I care about you or anything even remotley similar since the 4th of July when he told me he loves me more than he wants anyone to know. I thing about why he doesn't say anything if that's how he feels? Tonight I am sitting here wondering if the reason he wants me to cover the house payment and stuff is not to save the house for our family, but to allow him to move on and live in the apartment and never come back home. He keeps talking about how if I want to have cable with our daughter then I need to pay for it because he is going to cut out every thing he can in order to be able to afford the apartment while I cover the house and the bills here. He knows I can't cover everything on what little I am making, but I am willing to do my share. But, how unfair is this? He's going to cut everthing off, so this means he's cutting off his dating sites and crap ? -- the price he is paying on those would pay for cable for his daughter. He doesn't know that I know about him paying for all of these sights, so I cant really ask him if he is cutting them out in order to afford everything. Sigh. I want to know why am I paying to save a place that means nothing to me without him? If he isn't coming home, then why can't I move some place else where I can make new memories just like he is? 

I really hope Tron or WH read our posts soon and will be able to help explain what is going on in our heads. Sigh....


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## catch22gofigure

Yea well he tried to rub me up before he went to work yesterday. I refuse to be a 5min thrill (there was like20 min until time for him to leave for work) so I refused. Thing s like this do make you feel this way. But i feel all sorts of not so good feelings this morning about him. The best thing for me to do i feel is to keep it moving. Not waiting any longer. I've just been laying real low with the Low NC. 
Maybe this is what he wants. It was affecting him at first. Right now though I don't see much where it's helping. This is how EA's begin I feel. Take me who had a H who can't talk deeply, a rocky marriage we're living separate, and a long time opposite sex friend who is there for you to lean on.
It could easily happen...i don't even think at this point it would be wrong. Not when i've done all I can, right ?

And No Nemo, i think I'm falling out of love seriously. I guess after so many disappointments and hurt from the same person...its bound to happen. Idk..maybe im reacting, maybe not.


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## catch22gofigure

Happy Birthday Nemo !!:bounce::bounce:


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## catch22gofigure

And he can kiss that meatloaf meal goodbye for today...it ain't happening


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> And he can kiss that meatloaf meal goodbye for today...it ain't happening




I want meatloaf. I haven't had meatloaf in a really long time. Mmm...mealtloaf with smashed potatoes and gravy and green beans. It's 5am and I am thinking about dinner already. It's my birthday I can have what ever I want for breakfast, right?


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I want meatloaf. I haven't had meatloaf in a really long time. Mmm...mealtloaf with smashed potatoes and gravy and green beans. It's 5am and I am thinking about dinner already. It's my birthday I can have what ever I want for breakfast, right?


You sure can. I wish i could fix one for you. Everyone says mine is great. So do you have any plans for today? I had a great bday without him. He worked that day so today will be his only day off this week. I'm not planning on hearing a peep from him today. I won't be initiating anything today. For some reason, I woke up all in my feelings about this man. Started on the letter, but I don't think i need to continue working on it because. I Do realize im not in a good place about him or this marriage right now.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron,...remember this ? 


Tron said:


> I haven't brought this up, but the W thinks there is some game playing going on too. If it's true, IMO you two are too old to be playing games like this. Regardless, you have a really complicated dynamic going on with H that doesn't lend itself to a solution without open communication and commitment from both of you. He likes control, you want him to take control, but he refuses to do it and avoids making decisions, so you feel forced to make decisions affecting both of you and then he resents you taking the initiative...does this sound right?
> 
> WAI, Are you surprised by this? Not ironic at all. You just in a roundabout way played the D card again...he can't deal with that because he doesn't really want a divorce. If you don't want a D, you need to stop doing that.


I am sooo here right now. How in the heck did I get back here overnight ? Uggghhhh !!! Yep reading WAI thread....AGAIN. Tears flowing...why am I reacting so much today idk ...


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## catch22gofigure

So he's shown up over here with breakfast. Complaining about his weight gain and a bunch of nothing. Train train go away come again another day. Really? Your weight gain and I have the weight of this marriage on my shoulders :wtf: Sheeesh ! I need a vacation. I wonder if this anti biotic im on has Coo Koo as a side effect...??


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Tron,...remember this ?
> 
> 
> I am sooo here right now. How in the heck did I get back here overnight ? Uggghhhh !!! Yep reading WAI thread....AGAIN. Tears flowing...why am I reacting so much today idk ...


I don't know why Catch, but you are. Still on the roller coaster.

Is it that time of the month?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I don't know why Catch, but you are. Still on the roller coaster.
> 
> Is it that time of the month?


Idk Tron...i don't keep up with it honestly. May be. Just hasn't shown its red face yet. Sorry so graphic. ..just being real. He's gone now says he'll be back later. There's an odd silence going on. He watched a movie with me, but didn't really have a lot to say. I'm trying not to say anything because i know what kind of crap is running through my head . So its best i just don't say too much. For fear of saying too much.


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## Tron

Tron said:


> I don't know why Catch, but you are. Still on the roller coaster.
> 
> Is it that time of the month?


I didn't ask to be rude, but things may be going on in your head that hormones are having an impact on. If it happens within the next couple of days, then we may be on to something.

Try and write the letter even though you arent entirely feeling it. He is sensing a disconnect and may be looking for some reassurance.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I didn't ask to be rude, but things may be going on in your head that hormones are having an impact on. If it happens within the next couple of days, then we may be on to something.
> 
> Try and write the letter even though you arent entirely feeling it. He is sensing a disconnect and may be looking for some reassurance.


Wow Tron...you're reading me all too well. In the time I've been a away from TAM i have written the longest letter ever and am not done. Its not all pleasant but it's getting it out of me. I do think it could be hormonal. Last month it was when i reacted this way. Iknew you were not beingrude this could be a very valid issue . I've touched on every single thing in this letter. Its hand written. I wish I could share it..iuse my phone to get on here it would take a centutry to transfer to here though.


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## Tron

Hang on to the letter. Step away for a bit then read it to yourself a couple of times. See if your satisfied with it. Don't be accusatory and try not to point fingers. 

I like to write them on a computer because it allows me to easily edit and change things then take it to paper.

I think I want your meatloaf recipe...


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Hang on to the letter. Step away for a bit then read it to yourself a couple of times. See if your satisfied with it. Don't be accusatory and try not to point fingers.
> 
> I like to write them on a computer because it allows me to easily edit and change things then take it to paper.
> 
> I think I want your meatloaf recipe...


I know what you mean about typing. Its a lot faster. However writing, the actual pe n in my hand ..it gives me a totally different writing experience. When it's personal, i have to manually write it..idk why. Maybe it's got something to do with being a leftie and the way my brain is wired or something. 


But we got a HUGE 14 pg problem....what exactly do you call accusatory....cause this letter here...i got out EVERYTHING i've been wanting to say good and bad. I've reread it a couple of times and feeling all extra proud. I'm not gonna give it to him though so no worries right now on that. What shouldn't I be saying for the final draft that I will give him ?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Hang on to the letter. Step away for a bit then read it to yourself a couple of times. See if your satisfied with it. Don't be accusatory and try not to point fingers.
> 
> I like to write them on a computer because it allows me to easily edit and change things then take it to paper.
> 
> I think I want your meatloaf recipe...


Oh and give my fingers time to recoup and ill get u my meatloaf recipe...really easy, really satifying, and they say itll make ya wanna slap ya ____ ..lol you fill in the blanks


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Oh and give my fingers time to recoup and ill get u my meatloaf recipe...really easy, really satifying, and they say itll make ya wanna slap ya ____ ..lol you fill in the blanks


It's "slap ya mama" good, huh? . Can't wait.

Sit on the letter a bit. When you're ready then roll with it.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> It's "slap ya mama" good, huh? . Can't wait.
> 
> Sit on the letter a bit. When you're ready then roll with it.



Lol. Yes !!...and ok I will. I'm teary and everything today  hopefully tomorrow will be better. Cause im at give up to protect my heart stage again...


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Lol. Yes !!...and ok I will. I'm teary and everything today  hopefully tomorrow will be better. Cause im at give up to protect my heart stage again...





greenpearl said:


> Please always remember that when we have periods, and we tend to be very moody before our periods, never pick up a fight during those days, because we are lost and confused and don't know why we feel so low those days. We don't like it either.


I read this on an old 3 year old thread started by a friend.

Hang in there Catch.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I read this on an old 3 year old thread started by a friend.
> 
> Hang in there Catch.


Thanks Tron ,and it's now confirmed. My D16 just came back from her weekend at her nanna's. She is always a week before me. Guess who announced they will need extra "supplies " when she got home. Which means I'm. up next...uggghhhh, I'm hanging Tron I'm hanging. Dangit do i have every issue known to women ?? Sheeesh no wonder this dude left.

He came in and asked me what's wrong with me today. I didn't cook not in the best of spirit..so he's looking like wth is her deal. He just called and said he wants to stay the night here...lord pray for the both of us. Im about drink some wine or something. I rarely do. But imma need a big fat cup of shut the heck up brain and mouth before he gets here. I've ripped the letter from my ledger and hid it in a shoe. Cant run the risk of him stumbling across it. He does ramble when he's here. What he be looking for I have no clue...


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## Tron

Any way to start tracking your PMS because it might be good for you to know when NOT to be making big decisions and your H to know when NOT to push your buttons?


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## catch22gofigure

Oh yeah, the meatloaf

Of course you need ground beef/chuck:

You'll also need :
1 large whole onion
1 medium green bell pepper 
1 pkg of Liptons Onion soup mix
(Sometimes I also use a pkg of meatloaf mix ) it's up to you. Taste doesnt vary much with or without it
1 1/2 cups of dry plain instant oatmeal
2 cups of ketchup to mix in during prep
1 tbsp seasoned salt
1 tbsp black pepper
1/2 cup of tomato sauce
1 small raw egg
1 tbsp of Adobo seasoning 
Salt
Pepper



And you'll need :
Aluminum foil , a baking. pan , and more ketchup , 1 can of tomato paste.

Dice the onion and bell pepper to a chicklet size or smaller
Mix all the above ingredients well (this is important for a uniform taste throughout the loaf )

Next :
Preheat oven to about 300

Line baking pan with aluminium foil 

Place and mold meatloaf mixture in pan on top of aluminum foil

Mix together the can tomato paste and ketchup until the paste is not so thick that you cant spread it evenly 

Add salt and pepper to taste

Spread the tomato paste abundantly over the entire loaf. 
Add more ketchup atop the loaf if need be, As long as the loaf is abundantly covered

Cover pan with foil as well( this helps to insure that the vegetables ,oatmeal, and egg are cooked thoroughly) 

Place pan in the oven

Let cook for 15 min at this temperature 

After 15 min drain whatever grease has accumulated out of pan.
( this technique is what I think makes it so good to people, its never thick and dry on the inside but not so greasy that you cant enjoy the juiciness of the beef )
Once initial fat is drained you will cover again the meatloaf and let it cook for about 30 min or longer depending on the size of your loaf. 

Again drain any excess fat/grease from pan (careful i have dumped my whole loaf out doing this before )

Leave the loaf uncovered and up the temp to about 375 for 10 min or more...just long enough to somewhat caramelize the tomato paste spread topping the loaf
Once thats all done voila ! 

Note..the oatmeal is a filler. A very small loaf goes a long way in my house. I add this to hamburgers too. It's an old trick i learned coming up making sure that everyone waa full at meals end. One thin slice..mayyyybe two and you're stuffed like a pig :smthumbup:


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Any way to start tracking your PMS because it might be good for you to know when NOT to be making big decisions and your H to know when NOT to push your buttons?


You're right ill make note on my calendar of these emotional breakdowns in collab with my cycle. Surgically prepared to not have kids...i just gave up keeping up with it years ago. Now I have a huge reason to start back keeping up.


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## catch22gofigure

Thanks for being there...i can't believe you guys haven't told me to heck with it already lady


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## catch22gofigure

Well I alone was totally to blame for yesterday. We both turned in early and he is still resting now. I have a visitor this morning she showed her face earlier than i thought this time. 
I have a upcoming appointment with my gynecologist. I will mention this to her. Thi sis not the first time I've noticed this. I just keep forgetting about it. It's my norm. again i am forever grateful to you all. You all have beenmy. surrogate H so to speak. This is once of my issues unveiled to me. Epiphany # 2. I've been expecting him to see and notice these things in me . Hoping that he just recognizes them and adjust. That's not fair. I'm very ashamed:slap:


----------



## whitehawk

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch, I don't think it is a matter of starting to not care a little too much. I think it is a matter of caring too much and having to be patient to get what we want. I think the feeling is intensified because of your birthday. I think it may be even more intensified because he didn't take the time to try and find you a gift or anything. It's making you feel unimportant to him. I am pretty sure this is what is happening in your head because I am experiencing some weird thoughts as well. Thoughts that I didn't have until yesterday.
> 
> Today is my birthday and it is the first birthday I have ever been completely alone. It's making me think and analyze all kinds of stuff. My husband sent me a message a bit ago that says, "Good Night Nemo. I do hope you have a happy birthday. Please do not make it just another day. Do something special." This is really screwing with my head because I am sitting here thinking he doesn't care enough to even want to be near me. Why bother even caring about my birthday. I already told him I won't be his friend so if I am not his wife then stop caring anything about me and leave me completely alone.
> 
> So what if he talks to me on the phone? It's not the same as spending time with me. He hasn't even said he loves me or anything even remotely similar to that in over a month. Am I supposed to guess if I am loved by reading between the words he says to me on the phone? To be honest, I think he cares about me, but doesn't love me. So I am asking myself why am I sitting here waiting on him?
> 
> I want to ask him to come spend some time with me doing something, but I can't ask him to do something with me because he will flat out say no to me like he has every time I have asked him. I know that he has to put in time to get his community service work hours in and then he is supposed to go get our daughter from FIL. I could ride with him to get our daughter, but the invitation will not be presented to me. Just like always.
> 
> I am kind of bugged tonight because he hasn't said I love you or I care about you or anything even remotley similar since the 4th of July when he told me he loves me more than he wants anyone to know. I thing about why he doesn't say anything if that's how he feels? Tonight I am sitting here wondering if the reason he wants me to cover the house payment and stuff is not to save the house for our family, but to allow him to move on and live in the apartment and never come back home. He keeps talking about how if I want to have cable with our daughter then I need to pay for it because he is going to cut out every thing he can in order to be able to afford the apartment while I cover the house and the bills here. He knows I can't cover everything on what little I am making, but I am willing to do my share. But, how unfair is this? He's going to cut everthing off, so this means he's cutting off his dating sites and crap ? -- the price he is paying on those would pay for cable for his daughter. He doesn't know that I know about him paying for all of these sights, so I cant really ask him if he is cutting them out in order to afford everything. Sigh. I want to know why am I paying to save a place that means nothing to me without him? If he isn't coming home, then why can't I move some place else where I can make new memories just like he is?
> 
> I really hope Tron or WH read our posts soon and will be able to help explain what is going on in our heads. Sigh....


How are you holding up Nemo. So sorry for what this crazy stuffs putting you through , damn train hey.

Nemo , l'm not sure if it's a good thing to say somem here or what tbh. l just don't know , all this stuff is so hard on us and yours for you l know .
But he sounds like he is setting up to stay put for at least right now . He'd know damn well you'd be struggling to meet repayments and costs too but he's conveniently skipping that detail . Think you might be right about saving for his end instead,
l don't get the don't want anyone to know love you stuff because even if he's just the sort that is somehow embarrassed about that stuff , still doesn't add up .

l know probly no one will agree with me here and hey l don't blame you one bit for it but the not being friend stuff would close him off a lot too. Like l respect it don't get me wrong , it's just that it would close a few doors and opportunities to him right now maybe.
But l know to you need to be true to yourself too so it's a tough call. l stil dunno with mine but we have our d and big finance crap so it has to be atleast that.
l spose to , once you know if you guys are going to R or not then you can decide for yourself what you wanna do with the place unless he's gonna help.

Wonder what effect him knowing you know about the sites would have !

Sorry can't offer more Nemo and for all your going through.


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks for being there...
> 
> i can't believe you guys haven't told me to heck with it already lady


But hey , was thinkin it 
H is still given you a run for your money l see Catch . The letters a great idea me thinks . Then leave him alone for a few days , even thpugh he'll probably ring or show up anyway but oh well


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## Tron

whitehawk said:


> Then leave him alone for a few days , even though he'll probably ring or show up anyway but oh well


That is about as certain as death and taxes


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> But hey , was thinkin it
> H is still given you a run for your money l see Catch . The letters a great idea me thinks . Then leave him alone for a few days , even thpugh he'll probably ring or show up anyway but oh well


I knew you guys we're getting sick of me


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I knew you guys we're getting sick of me


Boo Hoo. Whoa is me...sniff sniff !!! 

Feeling sorry for ourselves today? :banghead:

(In my best LaWanda voice) Girl! ... time to go put yo big girl panties on, get in the kitchen and make a meat loaf.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Boo Hoo. Whoa is me...sniff sniff !!!
> 
> Feeling sorry for ourselves today? :banghead:
> 
> (In my best LaWanda voice) Girl! ... time to go put yo big girl panties on, get in the kitchen and make a meat loaf.


Oooohh Tron !! :bringiton:Lol "ain't nobody got time for that "...i MIGHT fix the meatloaf today...j/k I am cooking that tonight though..lol And yes I am all in my feelings lol. Not nearly as bad as yesterday though. After the first day it's back to normal. Where Nemo and NotEz , i need someone who can relate on what I'm about to say. See I don't cramp or crave things. It's either this or extreme lethargy. Those are my only symptoms from my 3 day a month visitor. Sometimes I think i'd rather have the "normal"symptoms


----------



## Tron

I don't know about "normal" but it lays up my W in bed a day or two every month with migraines.

A little emotional is pretty mild young lady. Count yourself among the lucky ones.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I don't know about "normal" but it lays up my W in bed a day or two every month with migraines.
> 
> A little emotional is pretty mild young lady. Count yourself among the lucky ones.


Yeah my sisters and daughters have it rough too. This is just as bad. Just a different place that hurts. I cried about soo much yesterday....and today barely any of it is on my mind. But yesterday the pain was so deep and real...remember Wrote a 14 pg letter about it...smh i don't want to take a month long dose of pills for a 3 day issue. I'm sure there's something elseI can do. Can't wait until my appt. Cause that was past a little emotional. I we thinking ohhh just go on and divorce him and getit all over. Today it's awww i love him keep a fighting....a day in the life of Catch...*sighs*


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> ...smh i don't want to take a month long dose of pills for a 3 day issue.


I don't think you should either. Seems a bit pointless to me. 

Awareness that you are going to have all those feelings one or two days a month, is almost good enough.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I don't think you should either. Seems a bit pointless to me.
> 
> Awareness that you are going to have all those feelings one or two days a month, is almost good enough.


I agree. Im go tell em but I ain't taking nothing. I got my emotional day and today marked on my calendar ...this is something vital to watch. The feelings from yesterday are very very familiar to those weeks we'd go without speaking. Remember I told you there's an odd silence between us the last couple of days ? This is the behavior that would make me react on him for not engaging in my convos amd questions and such. You think maybe he does notice when I change and purporsefully try and avoid me by getting silent...then I do just what I did yesterday and react ?:scratchhead: Then he reacts and kabloowey full blown argument. This time it didn't go that far. I have you alls help.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I agree. Im go tell em but I ain't taking nothing. I got my emotional day and today marked on my calendar ...this is something vital to watch. The feelings from yesterday are very very familiar to those weeks we'd go without speaking. Remember I told you there's an odd silence between us the last couple of days ? This is the behavior that would make me react on him for not engaging in my convos amd questions and such. You think maybe he does notice when I change and purporsefully try and avoid me by getting silent...then I do just what I did yesterday and react ?:scratchhead: Then he reacts and kabloowey full blown argument. This time it didn't go that far. I have you alls help.




Catch, I don't know how to post a URL, but I know of a website that could be very useful to you. It's called MyMonthlyCycles - Menstrual Calendar, Ovulation Calendar I hope that link works. 

Remember when I told you about how my husband and I would get into a fight EVERY month because of a full moon? Well, using this particular website I can make notes, get alerts for various things, and track all kinds of things about myself. I get reminders in my email that help me along the way. We get so busy that we lose track of time and before we know it we are in that deep emotional state wondering what the heck is happening to us. This would certain be a way for you to deal with the few days a month without having to deal with medicine and such.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch, I don't know how to post a URL, but I know of a website that could be very useful to you. It's called MyMonthlyCycles - Menstrual Calendar, Ovulation Calendar I hope that link works.
> 
> Remember when I told you about how my husband and I would get into a fight EVERY month because of a full moon? Well, using this particular website I can make notes, get alerts for various things, and track all kinds of things about myself. I get reminders in my email that help me along the way. We get so busy that we lose track of time and before we know it we are in that deep emotional state wondering what the heck is happening to us. This would certain be a way for you to deal with the few days a month without having to deal with medicine and such.


Thanks Nemo im gonna check it out now. Ive been searching some today hoping theres an app for that. Theres one for the cycle...but i need a warning like a week before.


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## catch22gofigure

Hey Nemo I love it !! Everything is there. Now to figure out if i can sync it to my Google calendar. It seems to only do email notifications and I rarely even check mine. Thanks, I've even shared it with my daughter's


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## catch22gofigure

Update...bad news you all. Its over


He got off work and came by. Things got lovey dovey and I told him about my sitch. He went on to grab my face with his hands kissing me passionately out of no where saying I have the best blah blah blah and all this. The convo then took a turn for the worst.
I talked to him last night about how this is not working out for me. Us just being "friends" that we've been getting along so well and blah blah blah. He said, he thought we had talked about this already and we knew where we stand. So i know for sure now that my worst fear out of all this has come true. He is and has been truly done and just dragging me along. I don't have much to say right now.


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## catch22gofigure

Then to top it off he leaves and comes back with a. dang movie . I politely told him that he is not at liberty to just keep showing up like this. We've spoke our peace and I now have a much clearer understanding of where we stand. He said Oh that's how you feel? I told him of course, how else did you expect me to feel. I told him its best we both just stay clear of each other to allow us both to heal and move forward. Again he says thats how you feel. I again answered Yes. I would rather just put a end to the charade and maybe later once we're both re established then maybe we can be friends but as of right now, I can't handle being his friend, that I a still in love with him and need to change that. He looked at me as if this was some big effin' surprise to him. But I was able to let him know exactly what im doing he doesn't have to notice this time. I flat out told him that I too am done with it all. 
I still won't pay for it. I don't have the money for one and its not what i wanted. I will be going to get a mediator if there is one affordable around. I'm ready to move on. I knew this was coming. At least I gave it a try.


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## NotEZ

Im so sorry to hear that Catch. Honestly though, this could be a good thing. You know where he stands and, though it is not what you wanted, you can now focus on you. Personally, i dont think for a second he is done. But it is no longer your responsibility to figure it out for him or make it easy on him. You have done all you can and given more of yourself than should be expected. Now its about what makes you happy and we all know this situation didnt. Do what you need to do for yourself. Focus on yourself for once. He will come to again... dont let him be in your life on his terms, make sure its on yours. 

You are an amazing person with a huge heart, Catch. You did everything you could and if he isnt willing to meet you half way, he doesnt deserve you.

Ill be on all night if you need me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Im so sorry to hear that Catch. Honestly though, this could be a good thing. You know where he stands and, though it is not what you wanted, you can now focus on you. Personally, i dont think for a second he is done. But it is no longer your responsibility to figure it out for him or make it easy on him. You have done all you can and given more of yourself than should be expected. Now its about what makes you happy and we all know this situation didnt. Do what you need to do for yourself. Focus on yourself for once. He will come to again... dont let him be in your life on his terms, make sure its on yours.
> 
> You are an amazing person with a huge heart, Catch. You did everything you could and if he isnt willing to meet you half way, he doesnt deserve you.
> 
> Ill be on all night if you need me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, I'm so much more hurt than i thought i would be. I can't leave. my room I'm that they. I've told my S that I'm ill and that is why I'm in bed. He's ok with that...free video game time for him. I knew it though...all this for nothing. I'll be ok...it's just initially I'm crushed. I've once again been used to the max by someone i love dearly. I often ask God, how is it that one person has to continually bare so much pain.


----------



## catch22gofigure

I just wonder why ?? I was NC doing fine in the beginning. ...he came back trying to communicate with me. Ive tried to pull away several times...he comes back....do I need to get a protection order or something if he tries back this time ? I can't let him back ever again. I do know I should mkve to another thread now. I will tomorrow. Today I only feel comfortable with you all.


----------



## Tron

Just got on.


----------



## NotEZ

Honey, he was not using you. Trust me on that one. I know its hard to see past the hurt you are feeling right now but this is not the end. This is something that needed to happen if you were ever to move forward, regardless of whether it was together or apart. You told him where your head and heart is. Let him process that for a bit. I was told this same thing over and over again, including the day before he told me he wanted to try. My H explained it to me aftetwards saying that he felt our "relationship" was so good the way it was that it was his fear of it going back to the way it was before we separated that kept him wanting to be "friends". When i took that option off the table, he had to make a decision. Once he did, he meant it.

Im not telling you to keep waiting. You have told him where you stand, the rest is up to him. You need to focus on you now. He is going to keep coming back... because he LOVES you. But right now, all that matters, or should matter is YOU. You are not ok with being his friend.. so dont be. You have more control here than you think you do. You cant stop him from blowing up your phone, but you get to decide whether to answer or not. He cant do anything to you that you dont allow him to do.

Stand your ground and dont settle for anything you are not ok with. If/when hes ready to give it his all, he will tell you in no uncertain terms. And you can go from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Thanks NotEz, you all are such a gem to me. I'm in a bad place all the way around right now. But if nothing else i have my babies they are all I have left. He did use me though I feel NotEz. Sex on demand (prolly to ashamed to try elsewhere bc of that bp issue ), meals on demand(he knows ill feed him if he's hungry ive fed him at least once daily since we started back communicating ) advice on demand ( I've always been the brains of this relationship he still does not make decisions without asking me....the list goes on and on. Well he freed me, i'll move on, date, do whatever floats my boat now. It's not the hand I wanted ; its just the hand I was dealt.

It's bad. I don't even know you, but i have no one to talk to here. No one understands why we aren't just together. Even the one friend I had to talk to i don't talk to her anymore about it bc she had a lot going on in her own life ,so out of respect for that I don't bug her with it. You all are my only shoulder right now. I just want to come to you , talk , cry , and get a big fat hug to make me feel better. I won't give up on love though, i just have to choose wiser next time.


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## NotEZ

Well, hey, thats what we're here for. You know we've got your back... whatever you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Well, hey, thats what we're here for. You know we've got your back... whatever you need.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thanks, I'm here all night I guess. Sadly enough whenI'm down like this I probably read every thread on this site


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## Tron

I am sorry Catch.

And I agree with NotEZ. This was somewhat predictable. There were indications a week or two ago.

The good thing after your convo is that he knows without equivocation, where you stand, how you feel and what you want.

When the "friendship" gets pulled off the table then he will have a decision to make.

By going and doing what you need to do for yourself and pulling yourself back from him entirely, you will be forcing the issue.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I am sorry Catch.
> 
> And I agree with NotEZ. This was somewhat predictable. There were indications a week or two ago.
> 
> The good thing after your convo is that he knows without equivocation, where you stand, how you feel and what you want.
> 
> When the "friendship" gets pulled off the table then he will have a decision to make.
> 
> By going and doing what you need to do for yourself and pulling yourself back from him entirely, you will be forcing the issue.


I sure wish someone would have told me there were signs. I would have stopped in my tracks then. Yep everything is off the table now. I don't think I ever want to see his face again. I'm ashamed that I let it go this far , for the sake of thinking just maybe this will work out. Boy was I wrong


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## Tron

You know Catch, it is OK. You weren't taken for a fool. This is your H and your M. If you read much on here you will see that people will fight for the M one way until something changes and then there is a shift. 

These things have a progression. 

Do you have any regrets right now that you didn't fight for your M as best as you could? I think not. You are just mad at him because right now he doesn't feel the same way as you. 

And NotEZ's explanation about his mindset right now is plausible. He has not made any indications that I can see that he is done with you. He has been cake eating no doubt but that is about to end.

And the thing is, you two are not in MC and were not really talking about the situation and your feelings. You guys were trying to rebuild some good feelings towards each other and temporarily sweeping problems under the rug until such time as the bond was strong enough to handle a frank discussion about the problems and where you stand. You are there now. No regrets.


----------



## NotEZ

Absolutely agree with Tron.

There is absolutely no shame in fighting for your marriage, Catch. You did everything you could possibly do on your own. If he doesnt want to meet you half way, there is nothing else you can do. At the end of the day, this needed to happen. You have been in limbo for far too long. You need to start living for you and making yourself happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You know Catch, it is OK. You weren't taken for a fool. This is your H and your M. If you read much on here you will see that people will fight for the M one way until something changes and then there is a shift.
> 
> These things have a progression.
> 
> Do you have any regrets right now that you didn't fight for your M as best as you could? I think not. You are just mad at him because right now he doesn't feel the same way as you.
> 
> And NotEZ's explanation about his mindset right now is plausible. He has not made any indications that I can see that he is done with you. He has been cake eating no doubt but that is about to end.
> 
> And the thing is, you two are not in MC and were not really talking about the situation and your feelings. You guys were trying to rebuild some good feelings towards each other and temporarily sweeping problems under the rug until such time as the bond was strong enough to handle a frank discussion about the problems and where you stand. You are there now. No regrets.


Thanks for putting it in proper perspective for me. I have not one ounce of that right now. I'm listening and trying to pick myself back up. This usually takes me a day or so. I just can't think straight right now. Everything seems so bad....everything. I've been through worse so i do know it'll be ok. I just can't feel it right now


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Absolutely agree with Tron.
> 
> There is absolutely no shame in fighting for your marriage, Catch. You did everything you could possibly do on your own. If he doesnt want to meet you half way, there is nothing else you can do. At the end of the day, this needed to happen. You have been in limbo for far too long. You need to start living for you and making yourself happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True. Its just the reality of it all slapping me in the face I think. Now I have to explain this to my kids and everything...and I don't know how


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> True. Its just the reality of it all slapping me in the face I think. Now I have to explain this to my kids and everything...and I don't know how


Give yourself some time Catch. You dont have to explain it right this second. Take some time to process it first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Give yourself some time Catch. You dont have to explain it right this second. Take some time to process it first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I want to do. Idk if that will be a option for long. My kids are teens. S asked last night went H hasn't called. Which let me know that he has been listening out for H ringtone. I'm gonna put that ringtone as my default one so he can't tell the differencetoday


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## whitehawk

Hi Catch . So sorry to hear the latest . But your friends here are right , you fort for your marriage . lf you didn't do that you might regret it forever l know l would. 
And if you did end up having to move on and personally l reckon the fat lady ain't sung yet- H, on this one . But if he has then you do need to know all that stuff is real and done anyway so.
l reckon there could be a lot in what Not described with this and l agree with Tron to. l don't think you were used or that's what h was trying to do, even if he was cake eating at the same time.
But for now well, when you start to feel like it anyway, you can at least think of you for a change from here.

Can l suggest something for telling the kids.
l said to my x day one , this is your doing and you are telling my d . There's not a hope in hell l'm gonna ware this and do that to her , it's on you.
l reckon text him in a day or two and tell him he has to explain what's going on , what he is doing , to he's children . Worked for me .


----------



## Tron

whitehawk said:


> Can l suggest something for telling the kids.
> l said to my x day one , this is your doing and you are telling my d . There's not a hope in hell l'm gonna ware this and do that to her , it's on you.
> l reckon text him in a day or two and tell him he has to explain what's going on , what he is doing , to he's children . Worked for me .


:iagree:


----------



## NotEZ

How are you doing Catch?


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> How are you doing Catch?


Thanks for checkin on me. I hadd updated earlier when I first noticed him here. I don't know what happened to all I wrote. I'm gonna copy this one before I click submit, just in case it happens again. I'm ok I guess. Of course he has tried to call all morning this morning. I didnt answer. He showed up this afternoon about the same time the S school bus was pulling up. So he makes his way in the dang house. I was in the back had no clue he was even out there. Anyway he walks up and says , I know you told me that you dont want me at your house anymore. I asked..then why are you here ? He was like mannnn , then went into some stupid small talk. I walked away. He was going on and on about how he hasnt eaten all day, that he didn't have clean clothes for work ..and all these dang woes of the world that he has.. I wanted to say who gives a phuk... (scuse my french , i'm ticked) anywho I just looked at him and walked away again. So he finally left. 

He called twice while at work.. I declined both calls. So nothing new going on here. I am still stuck trying to find ways to avoid a man who don't want me apparently..yet won't just go the hell on already and let me do my NC. My son was like mama whats wrong with daddy he look sad today...some bs. More bs that I am stuck trying to explain.... uuuggghhhh!!


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Hi Catch . So sorry to hear the latest . But your friends here are right , you fort for your marriage . lf you didn't do that you might regret it forever l know l would.
> And if you did end up having to move on and personally l reckon the fat lady ain't sung yet- H, on this one . But if he has then you do need to know al that stuff is real and done anyway so.
> l reckon to there could be a lot in what Not described to with this .
> And l agree with Not and Tron to , l don't think you were used , l don't think that's what h was trying to do at all.
> But for now , well when you start to feel like it anyway , you can think of you for a change from here.
> 
> Can l suggest something for telling the kids.
> l said to my x day one , this is your doing and you are telling my d . There's not a hope in hell l'm gonna ware this and do that to her , it's on you.
> l reckon text him in a day or two and tell him he has to explain what's going on , what he is doing , to he's children . Worked for me .


Thanks WH, sounds like a really good solution. I am not gonna say anything for now I don't think though. That would require me having to communicate with him and right now he is not getting that I am dead serious on NC. He will take that as a point of contact for me. We all know that this is not a man who can talk about anything emotional, so I would end up doing it anyway..so I may as well go ahead and do it myself. I want to go with this suggestion. Its a great one I agree, if my H only had a heart to even be able to go there...


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks for checkin on me. I hadd updated earlier when I first noticed him here. I don't know what happened to all I wrote. I'm gonna copy this one before I click submit, just in case it happens again. I'm ok I guess. Of course he has tried to call all morning this morning. I didnt answer. He showed up this afternoon about the same time the S school bus was pulling up. So he makes his way in the dang house. I was in the back had no clue he was even out there. Anyway he walks up and says , I know you told me that you dont want me at your house anymore. I asked..then why are you here ? He was like mannnn , then went into some stupid small talk. I walked away. He was going on and on about how he hasnt eaten all day, that he didn't have clean clothes for work ..and all these dang woes of the world that he has.. I wanted to say who gives a phuk... (scuse my french , i'm ticked) anywho I just looked at him and walked away again. So he finally left.
> 
> He called twice while at work.. I declined both calls. So nothing new going on here. I am still stuck trying to find ways to avoid a man who don't want me apparently..yet won't just go the hell on already and let me do my NC. My son was like mama whats wrong with daddy he look sad today...some bs. More bs that I am stuck trying to explain.... uuuggghhhh!!


I'm really sorry for what your going through but you did exactly the right thing. Do not give him anything... you give him an inch, he'll take a mile (or whatever that saying is ). His lunch and laundry is no longer your problem... make sure it stays that way.

You got this Catch.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks WH, sounds like a really good solution. I am not gonna say anything for now I don't think though. That would require me having to communicate with him and right now he is not getting that I am dead serious on NC. He will take that as a point of contact for me. We all know that this is not a man who can talk about anything emotional, so I would end up doing it anyway..so I may as well go ahead and do it myself. I want to go with this suggestion. Its a great one I agree, if my H only had a heart to even be able to go there...




Catch, I hope you are okay. I haven't been able to get online because I have been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff myself. I am going to need more than just a moment to be able to tell you all that has been going on. For now I wanted to write and let you know that I am thinking of you and I am praying for you. Have a good night and may tomorrow be kind and gentle to you.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> I'm really sorry for what your going through but you did exactly the right thing. Do not give him anything... you give him an inch, he'll take a mile (or whatever that saying is ). His lunch and laundry is no longer your problem... make sure it stays that way.
> 
> You got this Catch.


Im gonna keep on at it. He's texted because I won't answer. Trying to take me to breakfast. Its just sitting there...I dare not reply. He's called our adult daughter asking if she's heard from me today, forcing me to have to tell her what's going on. Bad move ...she's a daddy's girl so now she's not in the best of spirits with me. She's like he's trying. I simply told her...not hard enough


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Catch, I hope you are okay. I haven't been able to get online because I have been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff myself. I am going to need more than just a moment to be able to tell you all that has been going on. For now I wanted to write and let you know that I am thinking of you and I am praying for you. Have a good night and may tomorrow be kind and gentle to you.


Thanks Nemo, yeah when it rains it pours. Its gotta get better...can't get no worse it seems. Try and stay strong and just update us when you can. We understand here...we really do..


----------



## catch22gofigure

Well the calls and texts have stopped. Guess here comes the real deal of my feelings. It hurts soooo bad. I wish it didn't but it does. I love him. I just can't understand for the life of me how someone can just rip your heart out of your chest like he has mine. The bad part is in all that I have been reading and learning about me, our relationship, him even. That now I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is not good. Now that I know its over. Have in my mind that its over. How could we possibly recover from this ? We can't . How could we ? This is something that is building more resentment,more hurt, more damage . So I know for sure now that this can't and will never work successfully. I have to come here to vent to keep me from texting him and asking him these very questions. I feel like I want to cry one minute, then tell him of the next. I've called my adult D twice ...no answer. I guess now she is NC with me. I , one person, having to suffer the blunt of all this for what ? Its not fair. It hurts. Its wrong of him to put me in this predicament. 

Just venting you guys... guess itll be another all night TAM . It's sad , that the only thing that gives me a glimpse of sanity is seeing that there are other situations even worse than mine. I actually feel and pray for those relationships as well. It does not make me happy to see their misery and pain. It just lets me know that it could be even worse, though I am feeling like this is just about as bad as it can get.


----------



## whitehawk

That's cool Catch , vent away and besides, it's your thread anyway isn't it :smthumbup: 

Sorry for the hurt Catch but I still say at least you tried everything . imagine if you didn't you'd wonder forever.
But hey to , some karma for you in knowing H's shock of the reality now , will be hitting home like a Mack truck any minute from here .
Him and his silly fkg cake eating ideals of what splitting up were gonna be like , will be imploding right about now. He hasn't even been there yet has he so it's not gonna be pretty in he's head space right now either.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> That's cool Catch , vent away and besides, it's your thread anyway isn't it :smthumbup:
> 
> Sorry for the hurt Catch but I still say at least you tried everything . imagine if you didn't you'd wonder forever.
> But hey to , some karma for you in knowing H's shock of the reality now , will be hitting home like a Mack truck any minute from here .
> Him and his silly fkg cake eating ideals of what splitting up were gonna be like , will be imploding right about now. He hasn't even been there yet has he so it's not gonna be pretty in he's head space right now either.


Thanks WH. Just have to put on my big girl panties right now as Tron says. This really hurts. I mean i've wasted just about my whole life working towards absolutely nothing. I am blessed for the children that I got from it. Other than that. It's seems to have been a waste.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks WH. Just have to put on my big girl panties right now as Tron says. This really hurts. I mean i've wasted just about my whole life working towards absolutely nothing. I am blessed for the children that I got from it. Other than that. It's seems to have been a waste.


Not a waste, Catch.

Be patient.


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## whitehawk

Yeah l know Catch , been asking the same 10mths. 
It's [email protected]@t !
Spose you have your kids with you at least and wasn't the house paid for , you probably get that to right ? Either way l know it's pretty hard finding a silver fkg lining :scratchhead:
Day at a time for now Catch , just be good to yourself ,see what pans out .


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## whitehawk

Tron said:


> Not a waste, Catch.
> 
> Be patient.


Wise words Tron


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## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Yeah l know Catch , been asking the same 10mths.
> It's [email protected]@t !
> Spose you have your kids with you at least and wasn't the house paid for , you probably get that to right ? Either way l know it's pretty hard finding a silver fkg lining :scratchhead:
> Day at a time for now Catch , just be good to yourself ,see what pans out .


Nope house isn't paid for, don't go back to work until Sept, bills and kids is all I'm left with for now. I'm used to disappointment and hurt. I don't know why I'm letting this affect me like this


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Not a waste, Catch.
> 
> Be patient.


I'm trying. If I could only share with you all my entire life story, you'd see why this is so difficult for me. Nothing I've ever done other than child bearing has been successful. Even that wasn't a total success. I had to have c sections....

So this is a big blow to me. Another failure. Almost doesn't count. (Yes im venting again ) my brain knows what you say to be true. My big mouthed heart wants to talk so I'm just letting it. It's fed up with having to hush I guess. H for all these years has never been able to fully communicate with it.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Not a waste, Catch.
> 
> Be patient.


And I know I probably sound like a big baby. But my efforts are huge. I just can't see why or how someone with as much potential as myself, can't reach the goal.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> And I know I probably sound like a big baby. But my efforts are huge. I just can't see why or how someone with as much potential as myself, can't reach the goal.


I would agree. You have made huge efforts. And if I was there, I would give you a BIG HUG!

The jury is still out on the results.

And if you feel like you can't reach any of your goals, set some, write them down and start small. You will see success every day.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I would agree. You have made huge efforts. And if I was there, I would give you a BIG HUG!
> 
> The jury is still out on the results.
> 
> And if you feel like you can't reach any of your goals, set some, write them down and start small. You will see success every day.


Thanks Tron, i feel the love I do. Maybe my aim is and has been to high. I refuse to give up on life though. The process to plan though really takes a lot out of me with every setback like this. Like something in the universe is determined to keep me just as I am. But imma keep fighting.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks Tron, i feel the love I do. Maybe my aim is and has been to high. I refuse to give up on life though. The process to plan though really takes a lot out of me with every setback like this. Like something in the universe is determined to keep me just as I am. But imma keep fighting.




You leave your aim right where it is. You deserve the things you are asking of your husband. He seems to want them too and he can't say that he doesn't because he wouldn't be "trying" to borrow your daughter's words. 

The exact way your husband is behaving is how my husband behaves. He does all of these things that draw me in extremely close. Makes me feel wanted. Tell me he loves me. I never know where the exact boundry line is or when I am getting too close. I only find out where the boundry was set the moment I step over that boundry and what was okay today may or may not be okay the next time. It's a good thing I don't drink because if I did I would surely need intense rehab by now. 

Even if your husband does start to come around again saying he wants to talk, try or how ever he presents himself -- avoid having any type of sexual contact with him. Over the past weekend my husband and I had a conversation about this. He says he loves me intensely and so I asked him -- you love me so much then why do you not ever want anything to do with me and even said that I would never be alone with you again. He went back to the day of our daughter's party when we went to the amusement park. He told me that he had lots on his mind, but he was afraid that anything other than talking would blur the lines of thinking. He said he's been learning in his classes that when you are trying to make a life changing decision it is better to avoid sexual contact of any kind at all costs because it tends to desensitize the situation. Maybe this is what is happening with you and your husband? It means one thing to you, but a different thing for him?

Have you been able to talk to your daughter yet? What exactly did he say to your daughter that leads her to believe that he is trying? Maybe something he has said to her will give you a better clue as to what is going on in his head. My FIL tried to convince me this weekend that my husband is extremely in love with me and that every thing that is wrong in my marriage is all my fault and I deserve everything my husband is putting me through. I shocked everyone when I spoke up and told my FIL to keep his nose out of my marriage because he doesn't live with me and he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. I also said that it takes to people to create problems and if my husband can't take responsibilty for his behavior then he needs more intense therapy that he is already getting. Like I told my FIL -- how can someone say they love you so much yet they put you through so much confusion and pain and all they appear to think about it their wants and needs? I realize their brains are scrambled, but so is ours and we are the ones that I can honestly say are "trying." 

I'll write more about this past weekend after I get my work reports sent in. I just wanted you to know that I am here reading your posts and I am glad you feel safe in venting and allowing us to support you. (( HUGS))


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> You leave your aim right where it is. You deserve the things you are asking of your husband. He seems to want them too and he can't say that he doesn't because he wouldn't be "trying" to borrow your daughter's words.
> 
> The exact way your husband is behaving is how my husband behaves. He does all of these things that draw me in extremely close. Makes me feel wanted. Tell me he loves me. I never know where the exact boundry line is or when I am getting too close. I only find out where the boundry was set the moment I step over that boundry and what was okay today may or may not be okay the next time. It's a good thing I don't drink because if I did I would surely need intense rehab by now.
> 
> Even if your husband does start to come around again saying he wants to talk, try or how ever he presents himself -- avoid having any type of sexual contact with him. Over the past weekend my husband and I had a conversation about this. He says he loves me intensely and so I asked him -- you love me so much then why do you not ever want anything to do with me and even said that I would never be alone with you again. He went back to the day of our daughter's party when we went to the amusement park. He told me that he had lots on his mind, but he was afraid that anything other than talking would blur the lines of thinking. He said he's been learning in his classes that when you are trying to make a life changing decision it is better to avoid sexual contact of any kind at all costs because it tends to desensitize the situation. Maybe this is what is happening with you and your husband? It means one thing to you, but a different thing for him?
> 
> Have you been able to talk to your daughter yet? What exactly did he say to your daughter that leads her to believe that he is trying? Maybe something he has said to her will give you a better clue as to what is going on in his head. My FIL tried to convince me this weekend that my husband is extremely in love with me and that every thing that is wrong in my marriage is all my fault and I deserve everything my husband is putting me through. I shocked everyone when I spoke up and told my FIL to keep his nose out of my marriage because he doesn't live with me and he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. I also said that it takes to people to create problems and if my husband can't take responsibilty for his behavior then he needs more intense therapy that he is already getting. Like I told my FIL -- how can someone say they love you so much yet they put you through so much confusion and pain and all they appear to think about it their wants and needs? I realize their brains are scrambled, but so is ours and we are the ones that I can honestly say are "trying."
> 
> I'll write more about this past weekend after I get my work reports sent in. I just wanted you to know that I am here reading your posts and I am glad you feel safe in venting and allowing us to support you. (( HUGS))


Yes i've finally talked to my adult D. Not about my H,buf just normal talk. Don't worry with you FIL. Their parents seem to think thry know them so well and haven't lived with them in ages erks the heck outta me. Today is the first full day of me not hearing a peep from him and I tell you my pain couldn't be any worse. It just cuts so deep. Thanks for the support Nemo. Sorry I don't have anything I can add yo your sitch right now. Im just so distraught that I don't know which end is up. Hopefully as the days go by itll get better right now though i'm just in a whirlwind of emotions.


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## catch22gofigure

Well here comes a text. It simply reads " did you forget my number ? " i want to reply uhhhhh no, you must have forgotten what I told you....

Just venting


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## catch22gofigure

And now he shows up. Drops off a pack of meat with the kids and leaves....

Still venting...to keep me sane. Or at least that's my intention.

Edit : wait, he's doubled back and just sitting in his vehicle, in my yard. Should be time for him to leave for work soon. He's really making this hard for the both of us. I'd rather he just stay away so that i can get over him already!!!


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> And now he shows up. Drops off a pack of meat with the kids and leaves....
> 
> Still venting...to keep me sane. Or at least that's my intention.
> 
> Edit : wait, he's doubled back and just sitting in his vehicle, in my yard. Should be time for him to leave for work soon. He's really making this hard for the both of us. I'd rather he just stay away so that i can get over him already!!!




Let him stew...he's got to figure this out for himself. You could reply to his text message with the exact same words you said to him ... and exactly what he said back. Let him know that he's getting what he wants, or at least what he has told you what he wants. 

I'd be happy with him seriously trying and saying I want "us" but I think we need to take it slow over what he has been doing any day.


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## catch22gofigure

I am done . I am only continuing on this thread because I feel so comfortable with you all. This is my first forum of any kind ever. I want to go and post on the other section Separated and Going through Divorce, or whatever its named. But I may run into new people and have to go through the whole story again for decent advice and I just don't have the energy to do that. Never thought that I would be able to actually meet and talk to people the way I have here. I never really saw what people got out of the whole forum thing. So if its ok with you all I ask that you continue to stick it out with me as I vent, journal , and worm my way out of this mess im in.

He was quiet for the most part this evening. I went out with a relative of mine this evening. I was gone for about four hours. There is no one home. This is the second time that I have left and came back and he is in my home. He was not actually in my home when I got back. But had been here. Within about an hour of me returning home. I get a text saying that he had been in to get a movie that he knew we had and wanted to see. Now there is no one here but me this weekend. So this time I know without a shadow of a doubt that I locked my doors. I am beginning to believe that he has a spare key. Idk how or why he would want or need it but he has one. I am furious !! This is not fair. You don't want me...yet you continue to keep invading my space. He wants a reaction out of me I am not gonna give it to him. Hopefully he will get sex deprived long enough to go and find him someone else and just leave me alone once and for all. I just don't get it. He doesn't want me, clearly. So why keep doing all of this ?? He wants a fuss or for me to even question how he got in here. I won't do it. I am just stuck like this until he moves on I guess....


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## Finding Nemo

Sounds to me like the locks need to be changed and he needs to be told how things are going to be from now on. Either text him or call him and tell him that he left his privledge of just walking into YOUR home the moment he decided he no longer wants to be husband and wife. He needs to be told that he needs to call you before he enters YOUR home for any reason. If you aren't home then he waits til you are home. And if he's taking anything he needs to ask for it...not just take it. He is going to get mad, but this is how it is now. It's business only. Your responses need to include that HE made his choice so now he can live with it. 

I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this for you...but since we are here, do what is best for you and don't worry about him. He's going to come around eventually. Hopefully it won't be too late by then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Sounds to me like the locks need to be changed and he needs to be told how things are going to be from now on. Either text him or call him and tell him that he left his privledge of just walking into YOUR home the moment he decided he no longer wants to be husband and wife. He needs to be told that he needs to call you before he enters YOUR home for any reason. If you aren't home then he waits til you are home. And if he's taking anything he needs to ask for it...not just take it. He is going to get mad, but this is how it is now. It's business only. Your responses need to include that HE made his choice so now he can live with it.
> 
> I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this for you...but since we are here, do what is best for you and don't worry about him. He's going to come around eventually. Hopefully it won't be too late by then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will email him. I think with him even a text is too personal. Matter of fact im gonna go ahead and do that right now.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> Sounds to me like the locks need to be changed and he needs to be told how things are going to be from now on. Either text him or call him and tell him that he left his privledge of just walking into YOUR home the moment he decided he no longer wants to be husband and wife. He needs to be told that he needs to call you before he enters YOUR home for any reason. If you aren't home then he waits til you are home. And if he's taking anything he needs to ask for it...not just take it. He is going to get mad, but this is how it is now. It's business only. Your responses need to include that HE made his choice so now he can live with it.
> 
> I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this for you...but since we are here, do what is best for you and don't worry about him. He's going to come around eventually. Hopefully it won't be too late by then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will email him. I think with him even a text is too personal.


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## catch22gofigure

No calls today so far. Just a text asking what is wrong with me. I don't think he has seen the email yet because he also text and asked me to move in with him . He knows my financial situation and i guess is thinking that I'm stressing about that. He says , i haven't done anything to you why are you ignoring me. This man is a special kind of stupid. How can he not know what's wrong with me. I told him flat out. Vent #1 of the day. I wish i could Afford to change my locks. He gets off early tonight as they are on 7 days and he has to pick up our D from work...hopefullyi. don't have to dodge contact with him tonight. If i had the means i'd just leave until he drops her off..


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> No calls today so far. Just a text asking what is wrong with me. I don't think he has seen the email yet because he also text and asked me to move in with him . He knows my financial situation and i guess is thinking that I'm stressing about that. He says , i haven't done anything to you why are you ignoring me. This man is a special kind of stupid. How can he not know what's wrong with me. I told him flat out. Vent #1 of the day. I wish i could Afford to change my locks. He gets off early tonight as they are on 7 days and he has to pick up our D from work...hopefullyi. don't have to dodge contact with him tonight. If i had the means i'd just leave until he drops her off..




It could just be my curiosity, but why does he want you to all of a sudden move in with him? It's time again to remind him of what he said to you. If he didn't mean what he said then he needs to say I didn't mean it to your face. I get that he may be scared, but running scared is doing nothing but pushing you further away. It doesn't make any sense to me that he would want you to move in with him when he isn't willing to commit to your marraige. He wants to play house with his best friend while you are trying to live life with your husband and family. It's not that hard to figure out as to why you are ignoring him. Well, maybe it is. I forget, most men are from Mars. I think ours are from Jupiter or some place located in a far, far away galaxy. The way my husband has been talking to me recently has me so confused I don't know if I should be jumping for joy or ducking for cover. If FIL gets his way I'm screwed no matter what way I look at it. Grrr...


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## Finding Nemo

I don't know what I just did but some how I unsubscribed to this thread. I am not sure how to get the subscription back other than post another post and see what happens...sigh...electronics and I are not getting a long today.


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## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> I don't know what I just did but some how I unsubscribed to this thread. I am not sure how to get the subscription back other than post another post and see what happens...sigh...electronics and I are not getting a long today.


Go up to "thread tools" and open the drop-down and lick "subscribe to this thread."

Catch, I guess he needs reminding of what he told you.


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## NotEZ

Hey Catch! I've been camping this weekend so haven't been near a computer. I will catch up as soon as I can and reply then.. I just wanted you to know I was back so you didn't think I abandoned you  Hope you are doing ok.


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## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> Hey Catch! I've been camping this weekend so haven't been near a computer. I will catch up as soon as I can and reply then.. I just wanted you to know I was back so you didn't think I abandoned you  Hope you are doing ok.


Heyyyyy !!!! Yep thought you had abandoned me...jk ..lol I'm ok..same ole same ole going on here. Now he's texting talking about he knows Ive found someone new the reason why I'm treating him like this. I still haven't acknowledged any of it. He got the email and said that he can respect that. That he's sure that i just don't want him running into my new friend. I'm gonna answer his next call, if there is a next call and let him know a few things about insulting my character !


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Go up to "thread tools" and open the drop-down and lick "subscribe to this thread."
> 
> Catch, I guess he needs reminding of what he told you.


Yep Tron I plan on doing just that.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I don't know what I just did but some how I unsubscribed to this thread. I am not sure how to get the subscription back other than post another post and see what happens...sigh...electronics and I are not getting a long today.


I don't think I'm subscribed to any threads in here . I just go to the thread and click last page. Should i subscribe ? What does that do?


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> I don't think I'm subscribed to any threads in here . I just go to the thread and click last page. Should i subscribe ? What does that do?




I am not 100% for sure how it works, but when I accidentally unsubscribed it took away the ability for me to receive emails and alerts that tell me when you guys have posted something. It doesn't always tell me exactly what is posted, but it is helpful because I receive notification that there is a new post and I can click on the link in the email and go right to where you guys posted. That way I am not spending all of my time searching for your posts.


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## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I am not 100% for sure how it works, but when I accidentally unsubscribed it took away the ability for me to receive emails and alerts that tell me when you guys have posted something. It doesn't always tell me exactly what is posted, but it is helpful because I receive notification that there is a new post and I can click on the link in the email and go right to where you guys posted. That way I am not spending all of my time searching for your posts.


Ohhh ok. See i don't monitor the email that i set up this account with really. I just check back in and out and see that the thread is bolded then i know someone has posted in it since my last visit. I guess i am subscribed though because i have seen these emails in there...just thought that was how the forum thing works.


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I don't think I'm subscribed to any threads in here . I just go to the thread and click last page. Should i subscribe ? What does that do?


There is an easy way to track threads on a PC, laptop or ipad. This is a sort of short cut to cover threads that you are interested in. It also allows you to get and receive emails when someone posts on the thread.

The way I fast track is to go to my "private messages" link on the right side, click that link. When that screen pops up I look in the center of the screen and there is another link for "User Control Panel", and click on that. You should see all the threads that you subscribe to as well as how they are communicating updates to those threads. I don't like receiving emails so I snap the buttons to the right and change them from email notification to "no email notification". 

You can easily follow threads that you have not posted on by using the "Thread Tools" drop down menu that you see near the top of the page of every thread on the site.

Catch, I am going to suggest another text message to your H, but let me think about it a bit. You need to shut this "Other Man" crap he is spewing down quickly, but at the same time let him know that he stands to lose you if things don't change soon.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> There is an easy way to track threads on a PC, laptop or . This is a sort of short cut to cover threads that you are interested in. It also allows you to get and receive emails when someone posts on the thread.
> 
> The way I fast track is to go to my "private messages" link on the right side, click that link. When that screen pops up I look in the center of the screen and there is another link for "User Control Panel", and click on that. You should see all the threads that you subscribe to as well as how they are communicating updates to those threads. I don't like receiving emails so I snap the buttons to the right and change them from email notification to "no email notification".
> 
> You can easily follow threads that you have not posted on by using the "Thread Tools" drop down menu that you see near the top of the page of every thread on the site.
> 
> Catch, I am going to suggest another text message to your H, but let me think about it a bit. You need to shut this "Other Man" crap he is spewing down quickly, but at the same time let him know that he stands to lose you if things don't change soon.


Ok. Ill be waiting to hear from you. This really has ticked me off. Im telling you this H is really not getting the bigger picture. Simple and petty irritates me. 

I mainly get on here from my phone. My internet is not in service right now.


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## Tron

How did this offer to move into the apartment come about?

What are your arguments for not moving in there permanently?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> How did this offer to move into the apartment come about?
> 
> What are your arguments for not moving in there permanently?


Idk...he just up and text and said and I dont know why you won't just move over here. Instead of struggling with those bills.

Because the aapartment is just too small. We have D and S still at home. The apt is a 2 bdr...waaay too small.


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## catch22gofigure

I have more to update...give me sec to finish helping with homework


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Idk...he just up and text and said and I dont know why you won't just move over here. Instead of struggling with those bills.
> 
> Because the aapartment is just too small. We have D and S still at home. The apt is a 2 bdr...waaay too small.


Do the kids agree with you?


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## catch22gofigure

No. The kids haven't said a word about it. And probably won't care. I just know its too small. They would have to share a room and that is fight waiting to happen every day . The annoying lil brother and temperamental sister fighting over nothing all day everyday and he'll be at work during that time and won't have to deal with it. I will. 

He came by earlier and I let him in. I had some very important mail of his that came today and I needed to get it to him, a check he'd been waiting on actually. Anywho. He went to asking me was I seeing anyone else. I told him that it was no longer any of his business what I do, however I am not and im pissed off that you keep even asking me this. He asked could he have a kiss . I told him no, that kissing is a way that people connect and that he is not looking to connect with me. I said you no longer deserve my kisses , touches, hugs, meals, or even my company..nothing. I told him that he threw what we had away like last weeks garbage. He said no I did not , you did not appreciate me when I was here. I told him that we both made a lot of mistakes and if he felt that way I was sorry and i've told you that before. But i have gotten to a place where I can accept that. I tried for the last couple of months to see if we can get on some sort of mutual ground but apparently from my asking.. that ain't what you want. I was like so we need not be sharing any intimacies. Just kids and business, how hard can that be. He said that its very hard. 
At that point I just shut up. He was like well can I come over after work. I said no. He said why ? I was like did you just not hear anything that I said. He said I heard you . I was like well how disrespectful isthat to turn right around and ask me again then. So I told him let me think about it and to call me before he leaves work and i'll let him know. So what do I need to do next ya'll ?? I am really still kind of ticked athim to be honest. Before he went into all this please kiss me stuff..he swears that he saw someone leaving my house the other day. Uhhhh probably did.. Me and my closest neighbor share an alley type drive. I mean I have my own driveway, but her neighbors have to pass by/through it to get to the main road... so it wasn't anyone here but me. idk what the heck he is talking about.


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## inarut

I haven't read your entire thread but I have followed the last several pages. You have given him all the power in this relationship. Everything you say and do is carefully crafted around what he may be thinking, feeling, doing. He knows he has the power and doesnt take you seriously at all. He knows how to talk and play around you. He will continue to do this until you are firm in your decisions. You haven't come to this place yet you are still waiting and making decisons based on him rather than yourself. You still put his thoughts, feelings, wants above your own. When you said to him let me think about it he knew he had you AGAIN...he is not going to take you seriously until you are truly serious in whta you say and back it up with you actions. Its the only way he will be able to figureout what he really wants. That will take some time. I hope you stop waiting, truly take control control of your own life. If he realizes he truly does love you he will do the work to win you back. If he doesn't you will make a new life without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

inarut said:


> I haven't read your entire thread but I have followed the last several pages. You have given him all the power in this relationship. Everything you say and do is carefully crafted around what he may be thinking, feeling, doing. He knows he has the power and doesnt take you seriously at all. He knows how to talk and play around you. He will continue to do this until you are firm in your decisions. You haven't come to this place yet you are still waiting and making decisons based on him rather than yourself. You still put his thoughts, feelings, wants above your own. When you said to him let me think about it he knew he had you AGAIN...he is not going to take you seriously until you are truly serious in whta you say and back it up with you actions. Its the only way he will be able to figureout what he really wants. That will take some time. I hope you stop waiting, truly take control control of your own life. If he realizes he truly does love you he will do the work to win you back. If he doesn't you will make a new life without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for your input. I'm gonna need you to read the entire thread though, if at all possible. I dominated and made this man feel less than a man or so he says for many years. Almost two decades. His friends and fam mocking him at times because of it. At this time i've looked back and acknowledged my flaws. At the same time loving this man and wanting to reconsider this marriage. Me rejecting him is what sent him out tje door. Though he has a LOT to work on. Im trying to get what I need accomplished without validating his thoughts of me that caused the separation. So I wait for input like yours and others on this thread to give me input before makingbig. Decisions like that. I've been trying NC, so im wanting to know should I allow him over "to talk " or so he says.


----------



## inarut

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks for your input. I'm gonna need you to read the entire thread though, if at all possible. I dominated and made this man feel less than a man or so he says for many years. Almost two decades. His friends and fam mocking him at times because of it. At this time i've looked back and acknowledged my flaws. At the same time loving this man and wanting to reconsider this marriage. Me rejecting him is what sent him out tje door. Though he has a LOT to work on. Im trying to get what I need accomplished without validating his thoughts of me that caused the separation. So I wait for input like yours and others on this thread to give me input before makingbig. Decisions like that. I've been trying NC, so im wanting to know should I allow him over "to talk " or so he says.


When I said stop waiting I meant for him to make a decision about your relationship not for input here. Its a long thread but I will read through it all before asking questions already covered or commenting further.

Wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron

Catch,

Did you ever have an EA or PA in the past? did he ever catch you flirting with other guys etc? 

Just wondering if he has any legitimate reasons to suspect that you are playing around on him?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> Did you ever have an EA or PA in the past? did he ever catch you flirting with other guys etc?
> 
> Just wondering if he has any legitimate reasons to suspect that you are playing around on him?


Yes , PA 15 yrs ago. However, I didn't realize that he considered it cheating. We were broke up and were not even married yet. He didn't catch me. When we got back together, I told him about it. I don't flirt. But he thinks I do, well I guess he thinks I do. As you know by now, im black. I have a fairly large bottom, that tends to draw attention. I don't ask for the attention. ..it just happens. He says I have eyes that can talk...idk, but I do get many compliments on my eyes and very full lips. I am a social butterfly but not a flirt. At least I don't think so. He on the other hand is a very fun person to be around...but only after he's comfortable around people. He will appear shy and stand offish at first. I don't meet a stranger . Ive explained to him a million times this. ...idk he doesn't seem to get it.

He has on several occasions though caught other men coming onto me or checking me out...icant control that though. I handle it accordingly. .but i can't stop someone from being bold enough to try.


----------



## catch22gofigure

inarut said:


> When I said stop waiting I meant for him to make a decision about your relationship not for input here. Its a long thread but I will read through it all before asking questions already covered or commenting further.
> 
> Wish you the best.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is a long thread so I know it could take a minute. No harm done though. This is a crazy life I have, even crazier marriage. Your opinion is welcome though, that's what I'm here for. I think you'll see why though after reading more that for the last couple of months I've given him soo much power. Right now im at the point of taking that back. I just have to be careful not to overdo it. It's frustrated me so much that Ive now prettymuch said to heck with it. Unless he can come forward with a commitment to this marriage. It'll hurt...because as tough as I am ...its too much for me to continue with. Yeah, i see his efforts, but now its no longer enough. He's gonna either have to talk or walk. I can get over him....it'll hurt ;but I can.


----------



## catch22gofigure

I decided to tell him that it be best that he not come tonight via text. I'm sleepy (he gets off at midnight with a 30 min commute to our town ) I need to be at full attention for this so called "talk" as he puts it. He as we know is not a talker...so I can't see it going too well this time of night. He's home now and im up but about to go to bed myself so im glad I decided no. He called. I did answer but cut it short , we talked for 4 min. Per my call log. Shockingly he didn't give me a hard time about not letting him come over. I figure if it'sworth talking about he'll talk about it tomorrow..g'night all:sleeping:


----------



## whitehawk

hey Catch . Didn't think he would be done but hey , looking forward to hearing what he wants to talk about. Already know but no not sayin

But Catch , why would he want you to move into the apartment anyway ?
Doesn't he like the house anymore or what's the go ?
What would you do with the house anyway if you did ?

ps , you did a great job explaining your points to him back there to btw .


----------



## Tron

whitehawk said:


> But Catch , why would he want you to move into the apartment anyway ?
> Doesn't he like the house anymore or what's the go ?
> What would you do with the house anyway if you did ?


Been kind of wondering about this as well.


----------



## Tron

Catch,

Based upon your history with H and his latest shenanigans, do you think there is a power play going on with him? 

By that I mean, will he feel that by coming home that he has once again given in to you and handed you his balls??? 

I have got a draft of a text/email to send over, but I am concerned about this. You know that power in the M was a big issue that WAI had in her M too. I am not 100% sure how all these dynamics play out in a typical black family, especially those where the man is still in the home. I do know that the females tend to exert more control, but I don't know if this is just in the single parent homes or where both parents are married and together. 

I don't want to give you the wrong advice, especially if there is something cultural going on that I am unaware of. 

Oh, and you seem to be pretty proud of that booty and think that just by waving it around you can exert control over us poor males...I think you are making $hit up.


----------



## Garry2012

Finding Nemo said:


> I want meatloaf. I haven't had meatloaf in a really long time. Mmm...mealtloaf with smashed potatoes and gravy and green beans. It's 5am and I am thinking about dinner already. It's my birthday I can have what ever I want for breakfast, right?


I was NEVER the cook in my marriage, but I am now trying..and its kinda fun actually. One thing i have yet to perfect is a GOOD old fashioned moms meatloaf recipe. Im 0-3....i got the mashed potatoes down...


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> Based upon your history with H and his latest shenanigans, do you think there is a power play going on with him?
> 
> By that I mean, will he feel that by coming home that he has once again given in to you and handed you his balls???
> 
> I have got a draft of a text/email to send over, but I am concerned about this. You know that power in the M was a big issue that WAI had in her M too. I am not 100% sure how all these dynamics play out in a typical black family, especially those where the man is still in the home. I do know that the females tend to exert more control, but I don't know if this is just in the single parent homes or where both parents are married and together.
> 
> I don't want to give you the wrong advice, especially if there is something cultural going on that I am unaware of.
> 
> Oh, and you seem to be pretty proud of that booty and think that just by waving it around you can exert control over us poor males...I think you are making $hit up.



See I was actually PM'ing with NotEz about the whole cultural thing. I'd like to take a look at the text anyway if you dont mind. And about making $hit up....what would I stand to gain from that. I don't know what portion of what I said that you think im making up,but if its about me physically. .if I could post a pic I would i'd rather not though being that this is the internet and I'm looking to get advice anonymously . If its about my sitch , really? ?!! I don't even have the luxury right now of typing. i am doing this thread thing from a dang cell phone !! Looking for some help. If you feel that way then just let me figure it out on my own. I told you all from the get go this is a pretty jacked up sitch I have. If im beginning to get on your nerves , hey I understand. Though your assistance is greatly appreciated youre not obligated to help me , this I know. 

And yes I am proud of my booty , people pay thousands for one hell genetics helped me out for free. That doesn't mean that I run around sharing or flaunting it off ! I don't even dress in a manner that would suggest such . 
Thanks a lot Tron!


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Been kind of wondering about this as well.


I don't knowwwwww why he wants me over there instead( of him come back here. Remember like I was saying before..i dont know if its ego, too many bad memories in this house....i just don't know. 
He hasn't even said anything else about it since that text. Yeah Ive been trying not to name call either but as you see for yourself this man is really dumb and confusing at times. Just like this supposed talk. He's up and getting ready for work I'm sure. I haven't heard a peep about no dang talk today. He text me .Good afternoon
I sent the same thing back, good afternoon. He called and said that he would stop by before he leaves for work . Its 30 min til that time now. So really he ain't planning on talking about nothing of importance. Like I said earlier im pretty much done with this charade . I 've been coming here mainly to vent or journal so to speak. I told you I don't tell everybody my business. So I don't have a ear outside of cyberworld to talk tp about this mess. That's why I said it won't matter if i've gotten on everyone s last nerve with it. Just don't respond to me then. Either way this sitch goes , i can't even care anymore.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Oh Tron and another thing...how the heck can I exert power over anyone by them seeing a dang behind ?? If it was that powerful i'd dang sure be working and my H would be home. That was sooooo a "him" kinda comment you made there Tron...issed:


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> hey Catch . Didn't think he would be done but hey , looking forward to hearing what he wants to talk about. Already know but no not sayin
> 
> But Catch , why would he want you to move into the apartment anyway ?
> Doesn't he like the house anymore or what's the go ?
> What would you do with the house anyway if you did ?
> 
> ps , you did a great job explaining your points to him back there to btw .


He may not be done with trying to keep cake eating, but he's done with commitment to this whole marriage thing. I said all that to him for what ? He still act like he don't flipping get it. Like i told him before. Totally ignoring stuff I say to him is just disrespectful and shows me you could give two flips.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> See I was actually PM'ing with NotEz about the whole cultural thing. I'd like to take a look at the text anyway if you dont mind. And about making $hit up....what would I stand to gain from that. I don't know what portion of what I said that you think im making up,but if its about me physically. .if I could post a pic I would i'd rather not though being that this is the internet and I'm looking to get advice anonymously . If its about my sitch , really? ?!! I don't even have the luxury right now of typing. i am doing this thread thing from a dang cell phone !! Looking for some help. If you feel that way then just let me figure it out on my own. I told you all from the get go this is a pretty jacked up sitch I have. If im beginning to get on your nerves , hey I understand. Though your assistance is greatly appreciated youre not obligated to help me , this I know.
> 
> And yes I am proud of my booty , people pay thousands for one hell genetics helped me out for free. That doesn't mean that I run around sharing or flaunting it off ! I don't even dress in a manner that would suggest such .
> Thanks a lot Tron!


You misunderstood me. I was definitely just joking around with you. 

STEP ASIDE FLOJO! Catch is in town. 

I don't think something that happened while you were broke up before your marriage would qualify. He might still be sensitive about it, but that was a long time ago and he should be over it.

Anyways, here is your email/text: You can copy and paste if you like.


_Dear H,

I have not abandoned you. Nor have I got some other **** on the side. What I do have is a husband that is hurt and is playing games with me. I am worn out and tired of games and have tried my best to deal with the hurt. 

What I have also done is told you that I need some stability, some security and I need you with me, not “separated”. I do not want to play musical chairs with where I live, or live in a small apartment when we have a home that we own, that we are paying for and that we belong in. I am prepared to make our home a good place for us to live together. I have learned a lot and have been working on myself throughout this process, so it won’t be what is was like before. Hopefully you feel the same way and agree.

I appreciate your offer to move me into the apartment. Why do we have to move to the apartment? Why can’t you come live here? The kids can keep their own rooms and we will have much more space for all of us to live. 

If you think by coming home that everyone will think I forced you to do it then I will straighten them out and tell them that I begged you to come home. I am willing to do that if that is what it takes.

You don’t ever talk to me about how you feel about me, but if you love me and want me, just come home. 

Your loving wife, 
C_


Here is the rub. Listen carefully. If this whole ordeal is about power and him shaking things up and establishing control over this relationship then you need to be prepared to move into the apartment with him. An ultimatum is not a good idea. He is just going to think to himself that you haven't changed a bit and things will steadily go South in this relationship. 

I know it isn't what you want, and in the short term you may be living like sardines, but you can rent out the house and try and make some money on it and try to get into a bigger apartment later. 

The question you need to ask yourself is whether a house is more important to you than your husband, the marriage and your kids well being. Is it?

He has offered to end this separation. Are you going to take him up on it? If he is even half a man, he isn't going to beg you, so...


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Catch,
> 
> Based upon your history with H and his latest shenanigans, do you think there is a power play going on with him?
> 
> By that I mean, will he feel that by coming home that he has once again given in to you and handed you his balls???
> 
> I have got a draft of a text/email to send over, but I am concerned about this. You know that power in the M was a big issue that WAI had in her M too. I am not 100% sure how all these dynamics play out in a typical black family, especially those where the man is still in the home. I do know that the females tend to exert more control, but I don't know if this is just in the single parent homes or where both parents are married and together.
> 
> I don't want to give you the wrong advice, especially if there is something cultural going on that I am unaware of.
> 
> Oh, and you seem to be pretty proud of that booty and think that just by waving it around you can exert control over us poor males...I think you are making $hit up.


And yes I do think that some sort of a power struggle has a lot to do with this. Because yes at times I feel myself as we are close to a R, but ill be dang if I ask this man to come back home. He gotta want it. If he don't want it and can't find a better way of expressing that to me, then I dang sure don't need it. 

Here's my perception of where black marriages with issues similar to ours go wrong. Yes, the female is the backbone. The office manger so to speak. The male is supposed to be the head and knows this. Yet 9 times out of 10 raised single handedly by his mom. Someone who can't teach him these things. He attempts at what human nature desires and fails for lack of knowledge. Just like the bible says. 'My people perish for lack of knowledge". These marriages are failing because of it. Most men in general hate asking for directions or instructions. He's One of those kind. So what he doesn't know, he feels he should,just know ;but doesn't. So now he's left fumbling around wasting time and money. Cause his heart says he's in love; but that doesn't instantly make him know how a marriage should be. 

Prime example...i can't tell you how much time and money we've wasted because he wants to argue with the gps on the best route sometimes during travel. Just dumb stuff. Most of the time when we travel or go to the city. I offer to drive whether I want to or not just to keep his hard headed behind from behind the wheel and in control of the travel route.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You misunderstood me. I was definitely just joking around with you.
> 
> STEP ASIDE FLOJO! Catch is in town.
> 
> I don't think something that happened while you were broke up before your marriage would qualify. He might still be sensitive about it, but that was a long time ago and he should be over it.
> 
> Anyways, here is your email/text: You can copy and paste if you like.
> 
> 
> _Dear H,
> 
> I have not abandoned you. Nor have I got some other **** on the side. What I do have is a husband that is hurt and is playing games with me. I am worn out and tired of games and have tried my best to deal with the hurt.
> 
> What I have also done is told you that I need some stability, some security and I need you with me, not “separated”. I do not want to play musical chairs with where I live, or live in a small apartment when we have a home that we own, that we are paying for and that we belong in. I am prepared to make our home a good place for us to live together. I have learned a lot and have been working on myself throughout this process, so it won’t be what is was like before. Hopefully you feel the same way and agree.
> 
> I appreciate your offer to move me into the apartment. Why do we have to move to the apartment? Why can’t you come live here? The kids can keep their own rooms and we will have much more space for all of us to live.
> 
> If you think by coming home that everyone will think I forced you to do it then I will straighten them out and tell them that I begged you to come home. I am willing to do that if that is what it takes.
> 
> You don’t ever talk to me about how you feel about me, but if you love me and want me, just come home.
> 
> Your loving wife,
> C_
> 
> 
> Here is the rub. Listen carefully. If this whole ordeal is about power and him shaking things up and establishing control over this relationship then you need to be prepared to move into the apartment with him. An ultimatum is not a good idea. He is just going to think to himself that you haven't changed a bit and things will steadily go South in this relationship.
> 
> I know it isn't what you want, and in the short term you may be living like sardines, but you can rent out the house and try and make some money on it and try to get into a bigger apartment later.
> 
> The question you need to ask yourself is whether a house is more important to you than your husband, the marriage and your kids well being. Is it?
> 
> He has offered to end this separation. Are you going to take him up on it? If he is even half a man, he isn't going to beg you, so...


 Ohhhhh (so embarrassed) Im sorry Tron !! Please forgive me. See jm reacting on my dang friend. I am sooo so sorry !!! Ok lemme read the rest


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You misunderstood me. I was definitely just joking around with you.
> 
> STEP ASIDE FLOJO! Catch is in town.
> 
> I don't think something that happened while you were broke up before your marriage would qualify. He might still be sensitive about it, but that was a long time ago and he should be over it.
> 
> Anyways, here is your email/text: You can copy and paste if you like.
> 
> 
> _Dear H,
> 
> I have not abandoned you. Nor have I got some other **** on the side. What I do have is a husband that is hurt and is playing games with me. I am worn out and tired of games and have tried my best to deal with the hurt.
> 
> What I have also done is told you that I need some stability, some security and I need you with me, not “separated”. I do not want to play musical chairs with where I live, or live in a small apartment when we have a home that we own, that we are paying for and that we belong in. I am prepared to make our home a good place for us to live together. I have learned a lot and have been working on myself throughout this process, so it won’t be what is was like before. Hopefully you feel the same way and agree.
> 
> I appreciate your offer to move me into the apartment. Why do we have to move to the apartment? Why can’t you come live here? The kids can keep their own rooms and we will have much more space for all of us to live.
> 
> If you think by coming home that everyone will think I forced you to do it then I will straighten them out and tell them that I begged you to come home. I am willing to do that if that is what it takes.
> 
> You don’t ever talk to me about how you feel about me, but if you love me and want me, just come home.
> 
> Your loving wife,
> C_
> 
> 
> Here is the rub. Listen carefully. If this whole ordeal is about power and him shaking things up and establishing control over this relationship then you need to be prepared to move into the apartment with him. An ultimatum is not a good idea. He is just going to think to himself that you haven't changed a bit and things will steadily go South in this relationship.
> 
> I know it isn't what you want, and in the short term you may be living like sardines, but you can rent out the house and try and make some money on it and try to get into a bigger apartment later.
> 
> The question you need to ask yourself is whether a house is more important to you than your husband, the marriage and your kids well being. Is it?
> 
> He has offered to end this separation. Are you going to take him up on it? If he is even half a man, he isn't going to beg you, so...



Ohhhhh , so him asking me to move in is his way of ending the separation? Ohhhh ....hmmmm.....this is the biggest pill to swallow right here. I didn't see it as that. I saw it as a way of him trying to control me. That text is THE BOMB !! Luv it. I'm gonna wait on just the right time to send it though. He stopped by briefly before going on to work. Our S has made it home from school so the little time he was here tjey mainly chit chatted. He'll try and call on one of his breaks im sure, since I answered for him earlier. Should I ignore the call and send the text ? Wait until he gets off at midnight and send the text.

See he just called while i was typing this ...i ignored cause he stop my flow of typing and im using my phone. So he text ...made it to work safe Ibwill talk to you later love.

Everytime he think im finna leave his azz alone for good, he turn into super husband and he stat that baby honey love shiiii and idk why but it erks the heck outta me


----------



## catch22gofigure

Mannn I feel so bad for reacting on you Tron ....:slap: this is something else hehas said to me ,that i dont know how to take a joke.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Wait a minute Tron...
The text.....
I will tell them I begged. ...awww mann it's go take everything in me not to omit tjat part from the text....

Is that part mandatory? :scratchhead:It messes with my part of the power struggle man...like im dropping my big girl panties or something


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Mannn I feel so bad for reacting on you Tron ....:slap: this is something else hehas said to me ,that i dont know how to take a joke.


BIG HUG!

You react, the men scatter...


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Been kind of wondering about this as well.


I don't knowwwwww why he wants me over there instead( of him come back here. Remember like I was saying before..i dont know if its ego, too many bad memories in this house....i just don't know. 
He hasn't even said anything else about it since that text. Yeah Ive been trying not to name call either but as you see for yourself this man is really dumb and confusing at times. Just like this supposed talk. He's up and getting ready for work I'm sure. I haven't heard a peep about no dang talk today. He text me .Good afternoon
I sent the same thing back, good afternoon. He called and said that he would stop by before he leaves for work . Its 30 min til that time now. So really he ain't planning on talking about nothing of importance. Like I said earlier im pretty much done with this charade . I 've been coming here mainly to vent or journal so to speak. I told you I don't tell everybody my business. So I don't have a ear outside of cyberworld to talk tp about this mess. That's why I said it won't matter if i've gotten on everyone s last nerve with it. Just don't respond to me then. Either way this sitch goes , i can't even care anymore.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> BIG HUG!
> 
> You react, the men scatter...


Thanks Tron !!! I see, i was like aww man look what Ive done. Now Tron ain't responding....

Thanks so much for understanding that I'm nutty as a fruitcake and crazy as a betsy bug. And idk what the heck a betsy bug is , so don't ask. ..thats some stuff my Nonna used to say. .lol


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Wait a minute Tron...
> The text.....
> I will tell them I begged. ...awww mann it's go take everything in me not to omit tjat part from the text....
> 
> Is that part mandatory? :scratchhead:It messes with my part of the power struggle man...like im dropping my big girl panties or something


It is an act of submission...no question about it.

You do understand that most likely you won't have to tell anyone anything but maybe once or twice. He will take it from there. You just have to look at him, raise your eyebrow and keep your mouth shut. Don't say a word. Let him believe it and go on about your business.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> It is an act of submission...no question about it.
> 
> You do understand that most likely you won't have to tell anyone anything but maybe once or twice. He will take it from there. You just have to look at him, raise your eyebrow and keep your mouth shut. Don't say a word. Let him believe it and go on about your business.


Ok , washing out my big girl panties and getting ready to put them on for this one. Even the bible says I must submit....uggghhhh. yeah had to wash em , you made me wet em' when that part popped out to me. I am literally taking deep breaths right now no $hit....this messes my ego/pride all up....but imma do it, even though i feel a anxiety attack coming on. My heart is racing like crazy right now....guess that hit a spot.


----------



## NotEZ

catch22gofigure said:


> Wait a minute Tron...
> The text.....
> I will tell them I begged. ...awww mann it's go take everything in me not to omit tjat part from the text....
> 
> Is that part mandatory? :scratchhead:It messes with my part of the power struggle man...like im dropping my big girl panties or something


This "power struggle" is a huge part of the dynamics that caused your marriage to fail in the first place Catch. In order to move forward and create a happier, healthier marriage, these dynamics need to change. Its supposed to be a partnership, not a battle. 

You have to decide what is more important to you, your relationship or your ego.


----------



## Tron

Very insightful NotEZ. And I agree.

And Catch from what you have wrote today you still need some work on your codependence. You need to stop trying to "fix" your H. If he wants to drive 5 miles out of the way, then sit still and let him. Provide help when he asks for it and let the rest go. I know it is tough...I have issues with it too.


----------



## catch22gofigure

NotEZ said:


> This "power struggle" is a huge part of the dynamics that caused your marriage to fail in the first place Catch. In order to move forward and create a happier, healthier marriage, these dynamics need to change. Its supposed to be a partnership, not a battle.
> 
> You have to decide what is more important to you, your relationship or your ego.


:iagree: that's why im shutting up my ego and boldy going where I've never went before. Now im telling y'all now though. If this man rejects me im kicking his azz !!!!jk #no seriously.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Very insightful NotEZ. And I agree.
> 
> And Catch from what you have wrote today you still need some work on your codependence. You need to stop trying to "fix" your H. If he wants to drive 5 miles out of the way, then sit still and let him. Provide help when he asks for it and let the rest go. I know it is tough...I have issues with it too.


Yes, i do still have issues with co dependency. I had to cancel my appt with the new IC. But i've made another one and it's next month. I know I need help...that book and you alljust made me aware of what I'm doing...now is time for therapy.


----------



## catch22gofigure

I could only wish to have friends like you all in everyday life here. You don't mind putting me in my place. For so long I guess my personality and stuff just makes people go with whatever I say around here. That's not what I need and not the way I intended for people to view and treat me. My sisters call me a bully...but on the inside that i s so far from the truth. Thanks guys


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron, you never said when is the best time to send this text. He's at work right now


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> :iagree: that's why im shutting up my ego and boldy going where I've never went before. Now im telling y'all now though. If this man rejects me im kicking his azz !!!!jk #no seriously.


Consider this...

He very well may say no to your request for the very reason your sisters call you a bully. 

If he says no to your request to move back into the family home, do you think you can just say "OK, well then...you're the boss and this is what you want. I guess we will be moving into your place this weekend. I hope it is the best decision for us. Feel free to change your mind." 

Give him a wink, then don't look back.


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Tron, you never said when is the best time to send this text. He's at work right now


Right before he gets off work. He will read it and have what...1/2 an hour to think about it in the car on his way home.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Right before he gets off work. He will read it and have what...1/2 an hour to think about it in the car on his way home.


Ok will do


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Consider this...
> 
> He very well may say no to your request for the very reason your sisters call you a bully.
> 
> If he says no to your request to move back into the family home, do you think you can just say "OK, well then...you're the boss and this is what you want. I guess we will be moving into your place this weekend. I hope it is the best decision for us. Feel free to change your mind."
> 
> Give him a wink, then don't look back.


Dammit you're brilliant !!!!:smthumbup:


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I could only wish to have friends like you all in everyday life here. You don't mind putting me in my place. For so long I guess my personality and stuff just makes people go with whatever I say around here. That's not what I need and not the way I intended for people to view and treat me. My sisters call me a bully...but on the inside that i s so far from the truth. Thanks guys


I think that you will find it liberating when you let others own their $hit. Allow them to stand or fall on their own decisions and actions. 

Let him make this decision for the family. 

It is not critical to your life for you to make EVERY decision. 

I think things will work out. Good luck tonight.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> :iagree: that's why im shutting up my ego and boldy going where I've never went before. Now im telling y'all now though. If this man rejects me im kicking his azz !!!!jk #no seriously.


I know the name of a good attorney and will post bail for you.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Yes, i do still have issues with co dependency. I had to cancel my appt with the new IC. But i've made another one and it's next month. I know I need help...that book and you alljust made me aware of what I'm doing...now is time for therapy.


I am currently reading a book called Women Who Think Too Much. I think it would help you as well. Lol...see I am thinking again. Anyway, It talks about how we react to people and helping to clear away the negative in our thoughts. I dont know where to find the book. My IC lent it to me. I am trying to work on getting out of my head and getting my husband to come home unafraid of me. Wish I had a magic wand. Sigh...


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> I think that you will find it liberating when you let others own their $hit. Allow them to stand or fall on their own decisions and actions.
> 
> Let him make this decision for the family.
> 
> It is not critical to your life for you to make EVERY decision.
> 
> I think things will work out. Good luck tonight.


I am so ecited for you Catch. I hope your talk goes well. Remember to listen, pause and think before you reply. You both love each other...I think this can work out just fine.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I think that you will find it liberating when you let others own their $hit. Allow them to stand or fall on their own decisions and actions.
> 
> Let him make this decision for the family.
> 
> It is not critical to your life for you to make EVERY decision.
> 
> I think things will work out. Good luck tonight.


Thanks Tron , im about 15 min away from sending the text. He called on his break and asked could he stay the night. ..so tonight is gonna get real interesting


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I am currently reading a book called Women Who Think Too Much. I think it would help you as well. Lol...see I am thinking again. Anyway, It talks about how we react to people and helping to clear away the negative in our thoughts. I dont know where to find the book. My IC lent it to me. I am trying to work on getting out of my head and getting my husband to come home unafraid of me. Wish I had a magic wand. Sigh...


Imma have to check it out. I just got started on my latest on the list..but sounds like it could help me a lot. People think imma nerd..im not I just analyze and over analyze everything. I for whatever reason have to find scientific facts or at least a good hypothesis for why things tick or tock. Im just wired like that. I even analyze why im like this...is it because im a leftie, or my birth order , or blah blah blah the list goes on and on ...lol and smh


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I know the name of a good attorney and will post bail for you.


Lol..i better get my deeds out and ready to go . One of the local bondsmen is a relative of his they may leave me there..ha haa !! :lol:


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Imma have to check it out. I just got started on my latest on the list..but sounds like it could help me a lot. People think imma nerd..im not I just analyze and over analyze everything. I for whatever reason have to find scientific facts or at least a good hypothesis for why things tick or tock. Im just wired like that. I even analyze why im like this...is it because im a leftie, or my birth order , or blah blah blah the list goes on and on ...lol and smh




No kidding -- you are a leftie? Girl!! We have so much more in common than just having birthday's that are close to each other. I am also a leftie. We could never be exact though as I am white and have a small bubble butt. :rofl: No wonder my husband wants nothing to do with me.  Just kidding. 

I, too research and over analyze and that is why I am reading this particular book. One part of the book talks about getting past negative things that have happened. I am really struggling in that area. How can you convince yourself to listen to the possitive side when I lived in fear of my husband leaving for a really long time and now that fear has come true and I don't know if it will ever change. My brain has a tendency to fall to the negative, but I am trying to change that. Remind me when you get internet again. I have some other information for you to check out. It's called A.N.T.s ( Always Negative Thoughts - over analyzing everything and finding fault in everything ). There is a checklist you can use every time you need to think about something serious. Stop ... think .. then speak is how they desribe having a serious conversation. That's why I said that to yyou earlier. 

I am off to bed soon as I am not feeling so well today. My daughter and I have been fighting allergies all day. She had two bloody nose episodes. Tomorrow I get to work a short day so I am really happy about that. I have a nap planned in there at some point. It is nice to be sleeping more without any kind of help. Well, I guess you could say that thinking positive is helping me release a lot of the reason why I couldn't sleep before. I know my daughter and I will be okay no matter what tomorrow brings --with or without my husband. Good night everyone! :sleeping:


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> He may not be done with trying to keep cake eating, but he's done with commitment to this whole marriage thing. I said all that to him for what ? He still act like he don't flipping get it. Like i told him before. Totally ignoring stuff I say to him is just disrespectful and shows me you could give two flips.



Oh [email protected] yeah Catch l fully agree . And hey your not getting on anyones nerves . Your going through heavy stuff Catch , just get out whatever you have to ok.

Youknow too , this apartment thing with h. l've sorta often felt too as Tron was saying. That is his for now so he may well feel he's the boss there for once and so he wants you to go there.
Mind you , have read the latest two pages here yet so it's probably covered since but anyway.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Just im for a sec he's with me so I can't go into full detail yet until he goes to work. He hasn't formerly acknowledged the text YET !! But..he did ask me , "So what need catching up here. " this was last night after he came in from work and also he said that "well that bed from over to my house can come on over here for our S" He was pretty beat after work last night and we got a sick kid home from school this a.m. So after we leave out of this dr. Office and get bk home im just gonna flat out say ..So the text I sent you, whats your take on that. This is that shutdown stuff im talking about. In his mind he's probably answered me. But I can't tell ifits hey im coming home or no, ill help catch your bills back up...he's in a good mood though and no distancing so far ...so fingers crossed still


----------



## catch22gofigure

Ok, so he ha s left for work now. Never went to his house today at all....thats a first. He just washed and dried his uniform here. I asked him and he smiled and said "yeah I got it .we'll talk about it when I get back over here after work. " im trying not to get my hopes up, but this has been a very good time with him all day. Even though it was mayhem checking D out of school, the dr, the pharmacy and all. He usually doesn't even hang around for all of this. He'll make sure $ and insurance and stuff is ok,but I usually handle all this alone. So i didn't press him. Ill let him bk over tonight and let him talk away. I've been trying my best to.make moving into that apt ok if that's what I end up doing..well if hes even ok with a R. I still don't know for sure at this point, but things are looking up. 

My unhealed emotions are telling me to prepare for a no though and just be grateful if you get a yes....my heart is pounding and racing. I have a whole 10hrs before he makes it bk here to try and get this under control...again. i had prepped for it last night.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> No kidding -- you are a leftie? Girl!! We have so much more in common than just having birthday's that are close to each other. I am also a leftie. We could never be exact though as I am white and have a small bubble butt. :rofl: No wonder my husband wants nothing to do with me.  Just kidding.
> 
> I, too research and over analyze and that is why I am reading this particular book. One part of the book talks about getting past negative things that have happened. I am really struggling in that area. How can you convince yourself to listen to the possitive side when I lived in fear of my husband leaving for a really long time and now that fear has come true and I don't know if it will ever change. My brain has a tendency to fall to the negative, but I am trying to change that. Remind me when you get internet again. I have some other information for you to check out. It's called A.N.T.s ( Always Negative Thoughts - over analyzing everything and finding fault in everything ). There is a checklist you can use every time you need to think about something serious. Stop ... think .. then speak is how they desribe having a serious conversation. That's why I said that to yyou earlier.
> 
> I am off to bed soon as I am not feeling so well today. My daughter and I have been fighting allergies all day. She had two bloody nose episodes. Tomorrow I get to work a short day so I am really happy about that. I have a nap planned in there at some point. It is nice to be sleeping more without any kind of help. Well, I guess you could say that thinking positive is helping me release a lot of the reason why I couldn't sleep before. I know my daughter and I will be okay no matter what tomorrow brings --with or without my husband. Good night everyone! :sleeping:


Yep imma leftie ! !! Isn't it something that we all migrated here and all have so much in common in one way or the other. Life is funny like that. I chop it up to the law of attraction. ..at least thats how it seems it is.


----------



## catch22gofigure

whitehawk said:


> Oh [email protected] yeah Catch l fully agree . And hey your not getting on anyones nerves . Your going through heavy stuff Catch , just get out whatever you have to ok.
> 
> Youknow too , this apartment thing with h. l've sorta often felt too as Tron was saying. That is his for now so he may well feel he's the boss there for once and so he wants you to go there.
> Mind you , have read the latest two pages here yet so it's probably covered since but anyway.


Thanks WH. Yeah im im agreement with Tron on that too. It's either that or the whole power struggle thing. He probably has just been waiting on me to offer him bk. Because remember even though I told him ,hey if you're that unhappy leave. I didn't put him out . Apparently he was that unhappy and left. Probably too prideful to say ok I messed up by leaving , let's work on it. See his friends and fam made fun off him and was like...awwwy you'll be back over there. Idk I'm just all over the place right now after our latest turn of events. Wish me luck!!


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> But..he did ask me , "So what need catching up here. " this was last night after he came in from work and also he said that "well that bed from over to my house can come on over here for our S"


OK. Couple of questions...whose bed is it? Your H's or just some empty bed at the apartment? If the bed is gone, what is left?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> OK. Couple of questions...whose bed is it? Your H's or just some empty bed at the apartment? If the bed is gone, what is left?


Our S needs a new bed at my house. H bought a new bed for him at his house. So that's why I can't tell if that was random talk because it'll solve the bed problem at my house .or is an indicator of like hey..yeah ill come bk and look now you don't have to worry with getting him a bed...idk


----------



## Finding Nemo

What is wrong with people today? Especially those of you with the different set of chormosones than I have. Oh my ... what a tiring and complicated day this has been. I not only have had to deal with a sick child, work and deal with a bunch of cranky people there -- I also had to deal with the husband who first of all calls me at 6:30 and tells our daughter he is going to shower and come get her to go swimming. 

At 8pm, I leave my dance class without a word from my husband. I go to the store to buy printer ink so that I can print out my reports for work tomorrow. 

Around 9pm my phone starts ringing and my daughter answers it. It's my husband and he is going off on me because I left my dance class and didn't wait for him. Ummm....my class has been over for over an hour and you expect me to sit there and wait for you without a word from you? I don't think so. 

Then he starts yelling at our daughter because she told him she was sorry if the phone hangs up because it was about to die. She wasn't lying to him. She was trying to give him a warning so that he would know she didn't mean to hang up if it happened. So he's telling her that she doesn't want to do anything with him. Grrr! He wasn't even listening to what she said. 

So, she hands me the phone and he starts yelling at me because he is trying to explain to me where he is. I am not familiar with where he is -- and because I dance near there I am supposed to know every place around there. I took a deep breath and said WOW! I feel your attitude and I apologize but just because I dance near there doesn't mean I know every place. I apologize for the phone -- apparently my daughter had turned the ringer off so it wouldn't disturb my dance class. So, that is why I didn't know he had called me before 9pm. 

Then he's yelling at me because on my voice mail voice recording on my cell phone. It just has the phone number. He's telling me I am not being very professional and my employer would not appreciate it if I miss calls because of people not knowing who they are calling. Okay, so can you be nicer to me and tell me in a calm manner what you think I should say on the message or something. Say something nice to me like I don't want you to miss calls because they don't know who they calling. GRRRR! Nit pick, complain and moan tonight why don't you? 

I dropped off my daughter at an agreed upon meeting place and I didnt get out of the car. I didn't want to talk to my husband any more at that moment because I didn't want to say something I would regret. I realize he is probably thinking I purposely did something so that he wouldn't see our daughter but he has to realize that he left me. He left me to fend for myself and our daughter. He tells me very little, he has been contacting me next to never this past week so how the heck and I supposed to know what to say or do? I don't have time to play guess where I am and what I am doing. Grrr!!!! :banghead: 

Lord please hold my tongue when he brings our daughter back because I may just have to tell him like it is. That fear and anger he felt tonight --- I have felt it so often in the past that it just doesn't phase me any more. He wants to play hide and seek games then too bad for him because I am done playing the game. I have more important things to deal with. :cussing:

Maybe he's stressed about something from his work or he's sick or something, but so is our daughter and I am tired, too. Doesn't give him a reason to be such a jerk tonight. I haven't seen this side of him in a really long time. Please tell me this not a sign of things to come. GRRRR!!!! 

Okay, I am all finished ranting now. I think I am anyway. I am going to finished my reports and try to think about nothing for a short while. :rant:


----------



## Finding Nemo

Nope!! I am not finished ranting yet. What the heck happened to the guy who was so in love with me last week? He couldn't wait to bring me the special cake he picked out for me, he brought me watermelon, sent me flowers, told me he loves me, tried to work on finances with me and I felt so loved last week. I had no doubt in my mind. He told me he has been waiting for just the perfect time to give me yellow lilies -- which he did include in the floral bouquet he sent to me. He even signed the card With love from Husband and Daughter. 

This week I can't tell if I am a bother or a waste of space in my husband's mind. He has hardly contacted me since Sunday and that was only to answer a text from our daughter. As you read earlier he was not very nice to me tonight.  When he dropped our daughter off he talked to me for just a moment. He talked small talk. Told me he worked a couple of hours today for his court stuff. Worked a bit yesterday on it as well. Then he said he needed to go. No hug, no I'll call you later -- nothing. Which left me feeling like something is seriously wrong. I am trying not to over react. I am hoping he is just having an off day or something. Please tell me he still loves me and everything is going to be okay? 

Sigh......thankfully I have IC tomorrow and I can try to figure this guy out a bit better. He went to class on Monday and they talked about the laws that cover domestic violence. I wonder if he's struggling with his class and doesn't want to say anything....too many guesses to choose from so I think I'll hold off with guessing and see if I can talk to him after I see the IC. 

Wish me luck. I am off to sleep now so no more ranting for at least a few hours.


----------



## Tron

How r u doin today Catch?


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> How r u doin today Catch?



Let's hope the silence is a good thing...Thinking of you, Catch!


----------



## whitehawk

Finding Nemo said:


> Let's hope the silence is a good thing...Thinking of you, Catch!



What's that saying , no news is good news.
Maybe they're busy making up :smthumbup:


----------



## Tron

whitehawk said:


> What's that saying , no news is good news.
> Maybe they're busy making up :smthumbup:


I hope so.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Sorry I haven't been on to update you all details later ...my cell is off and I don't have internet service. Im at a Mickey D's right no w using their free wifi. We're all out eating. Any who, we are niw "working on it" to see how things go for a bit before moving back im. So i have my answer he does want to work on it. Thanks Tron that text pulled it it of him. Theres a lot more i want to add but im rushing while he is up front waiting on the food. Found out my phone usage is a big issue too.. my phone will be back on Monday..if i can get back on. before then i will ...gtg ttys


----------



## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> Probably too prideful to say ok I messed up by leaving , let's work on it. *See his friends and fam made fun off him and was like...awwwy you'll be back over there*.


This would have been handy to know early on BTW. 

Probably could have had him back home 3 months ago.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> This would have been handy to know early on BTW.
> 
> Probably could have had him back home 3 months ago.



I am so happy for you, Catch. I know I have a really long and difficult train ride in store for me, but your success has given me hope.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Hi guys !!! Phone back on...he's in the shower right now so taking a minute to fill in a little detail of whats goung on. He's still not talking much. He still hasn't agreed to move home nor I in his apt. But he has agreed that we're working in it. He said we both have a lot we need to work on and though we are a great team. There's a lot of water under the bridge. He said we can MAYBE do counseling once I find permanent work. Right now he thinks it will do no good not to have that factor in there of me working before we start working on "us". He says me not working does something to me that he know I cant help,but it pulls him down too. I know what he means he just can't say it ...it's my depression. He says I take it out on everyone around me in some kind of way. I just listened and pretty much agreed. Then the door closed...that's all that's been said. I left it alone so far since I couldn't get on here and talk to you all to make sure im not goofing up. He's been really pleasant. I expected him to go distant after all that but no he hasn't yet. He's stayed here just about every night. When he went home for two days he invited us over. I stayed one of the two nights. Didn't the other night because it was a school night andi. Didn't want to have to get up and drive the kids. I'm at home now because i don't feel so hot. We had a sick kid last week so I guess its my turn with the bug. Anyway, I'm a bit happy, but still looking for three ultimate...my H back home.

I do have to stay off this phone as much as possible when he's around. I can get on here though after he leaves forwork or when I'm away from him. So here goes, wish me luck


----------



## Tron

I was going to make some other suggestions, but after further consideration I think it would be best to just follow his lead for a while. Let Miss Bossy Pants take a break for a while.

That may be what he is looking for.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> I was going to make some other suggestions, but after further consideration I think it would be best to just follow his lead for a while. Let Miss Bossy Pants take a break for a while.
> 
> That may be what he is looking for.


Lol @ Miss Bossy Pants :lol: ok im just. gonna pray he doesn't take this inch ands run a mile with it...so far so good.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Hey everybody, just checking in for the day


----------



## Tron

And?


----------



## whitehawk

Tron said:


> And?



l second that motion :scratchhead:


----------



## Finding Nemo

whitehawk said:


> l second that motion :scratchhead:




I was wondering the same thing -- she did say something about her phone was an issue so maybe she is taking a break and trying to make him happy with not using her phone as much? :scratchhead:


----------



## Tron

Finding Nemo said:


> I was wondering the same thing -- she did say something about her phone was an issue so maybe she is taking a break and trying to make him happy with not using her phone as much? :scratchhead:


If he asked her to spend less time on the phone then makes sense.

How are you doing Nemo?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Finding Nemo said:


> I was wondering the same thing -- she did say something about her phone was an issue so maybe she is taking a break and trying to make him happy with not using her phone as much? :scratchhead:


Yes sorry you guys. But that is exactly what im doing. Trying to stay off it as much as I can. I don't have internet so I use my phone to get on here. He's works second so in the early day we're together most of the time. The kids are bk in school so immediately after he leaves for work they're coming home. So its homework dinner and so on. The last two days i've been making side money doing hair extensions. The micro kind so its taken me two days to do finish her hair. I should be able to update more starting today. It's bill time comingup and this stresses him. Soo looking to see how this next week goes. Since we're now" working on it". I can't wait to return to work so hopefully we can start counseling soon. I think that it will help us a lot. 

I was given a late birthday gift of a round trip ticket to visit relatives in NY. I will be leaving in about two weeks. This will be the first time in 19 years that he won't see me for a whole week. He says he's ok with me going, but that doesn't seem like a true statement to me. Almost like a nose turned up kind of attitude. Idk why though. I've wanted to see these relatives since my teen years so im definitely going. I do feel the need to get himtalking about his feelings on it. I haven't really been able to express my excitement about going. And though I want this R , im not about to have to walk on eggshells around this big baby. Any suggestions ? I'll be staying a week there.


----------



## whitehawk

So you guys are on again now then Catch yeah back in the same house or ? Wow , after all this , Congrats hey.

Yeah do your trip , he knows , not like your sneaking off.
Don't worry , it's not unusual for one to be a tiny bit peed when the others taking off for awhile.


----------



## Tron

IMO, He being upset is related to this:

He is working...HARD...to keep things together for the family on the financial front. You both have gone through a stressful 6 month separation. You have not been working and haven't been providing any financial support for quite some time. He is stressed about maintaining and supporting two 2-homes; and that part of the problem is of his own making. He knows this but cannot do much about that now. 

After recommitting to work on the marriage last week, you now want to leave for a week to visit family. So not only is he stressed about finances, he is now going to be stressed about working, having to care for the kids while you are gone and managing everything in 2 homes without help from you.

I am not suggesting that you should cancel the trip, but the timing could certainly be better. Just talk to him find a way to make it up to him.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> IMO, He being upset is related to this:
> 
> He is working...HARD...to keep things together for the family on the financial front. You both have gone through a stressful 6 month separation. You have not been working and haven't been providing any financial support for quite some time. He is stressed about maintaining and supporting two 2-homes; and that part of the problem is of his own making. He knows this but cannot do much about that now.
> 
> After recommitting to work on the marriage last week, you now want to leave for a week to visit family. So not only is he stressed about finances, he is now going to be stressed about working, having to care for the kids while you are gone and managing everything in 2 homes without help from you.
> 
> I am not suggesting that you should cancel the trip, but the timing could certainly be better. Just talk to him find a way to make it up to him.


That's understandable. I really didn't even think about it like that. Dang i wanna go...smh. lemme see if i can do something with this timing thing. I don't mind waiting until he's in a better spirit about it or can possibly go with me. I don't want to do anything to set us back


----------



## Tron

I don't know for sure Catch, but I think that is what it is about.

I am sure he would like to go with you, but him going may not be an option. Can you guys afford for him to take off work for a week?

How much is this trip going to cost you?

What are your current job prospects? 

Ask him if this is why he is upset.

It sounds like this visit to your family is long overdue, but I wouldn't want you to put more strain on an already bad situation. If you had a job lined up with a firm start date, Maybe go right before you start work, that way you know you are going to have some money coming in soon. Do it over Thanksgiving or over Christmas? 

Talk to him and ask him if he has any ideas? This might let him feel like he has some measure of control over the situation and you know how likes to have control over the situation


----------



## whitehawk

catch22gofigure said:


> That's understandable. I really didn't even think about it like that. Dang i wanna go...smh. lemme see if i can do something with this timing thing. I don't mind waiting until he's in a better spirit about it or can possibly go with me. I don't want to do anything to set us back



Yeah putting it that way Trons got major points there Catch , sorry l rushed in. But your doing the right thing here , good luck .


----------



## Tron

How r u doing Whitehawk? The ex and D?


----------



## catch22gofigure

Morning everyone, all is pretty much the same. Nothing negative going on. Sometimes it's really a test of my emotional health though. I truly see a lot that i could have prevented with holding my tongue. We have occasionally kind of indirectly talked about us finding a house elsewhere. Where yet idk...he still can't talk. I'm waiting until i get back working to really put my two cents in. I'm waiting to go on my gift trip. Not because of him but the two younger ones are having tonsils removed and the scheduling ended up slap in the middle of my trip. Didn't think about it when i scheduled it and once i realized it, i just called my family and let them know w why i can't right now and theytotally understand. So it really have me sn excuse without having to aire my dirty laundry to unknowing relatives, who probably wouldn't have otherwise understood why he wouldn't want me to come. They haven't met him but through talk of other relativesand me, they think highly of him. 

He's in the shower so im sneaking on for a bit . I've been doing good with the phone thing. But he has gotten to where he wants to use my phone and have me doing things with his phone . So i have to clear my history and cache after coming on here. Idk about this guy. I'm wondering if maybe this whole time someone or something has him thinking I've been unfaithful. I just have always wanted my tech and online stuff to myself. It's all I have to myself. I sharemy whole world with him andmy kids. He's not big on technology. Only uses it when necessary most of the time. I love it and am fascinated by it. It's what makes me happy a lot....but whatever works for right now so. Im on technology restriction, until he canlearn. to understand i guess. He didn't say that, but I see that me refraining from it makes him happier.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> How r u doing Whitehawk? The ex and D?


I'd like to know too WH. But no we are not "back" technically, just working on it. I guess to see if a R is what we want. Idk WH.. This was the first we got out of him as far as where we stand remember. So for right now in just giving him a break on the need to talk more in depth. As a reward so to speak for at least being able to say it is worth working on for him.


----------



## catch22gofigure

Hi everyone how's it going ?


----------



## Tron

Fine. 

How r u Catch? 

You two starting to connect? 

how is the job search? 

apartment search?

Aren't you little miss talkative lately? At least you aren't complaining so that must be progress.


----------



## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi everyone how's it going ?




I am not okay. That is why I have not been around very much. The crazy train has picked up speed and it's traveling down hill extremely fast. 

I hope I can get everything out without it becoming a novel. 

First of all, My husband and I are / were getting along fairly well. We were talking almost every day - several times a day in fact. We were sending text messages, laughing joking and sharing bits and pieces of our day. He would call me up just to see if I felt like playing a video game with him. This of course was online or over the Xbox. I don't play many video games so for him to want to play the game and share it with me was really nice feeling. 

I have been working with my IC trying to recover from a lot of old issues. She has been teaching me how to "feel' the entire array of feelings and emotions a person can have. Before all I knew I love my husband but I couldn't feel it and I couldn't give him what he wanted because I had a lot of resentment because of what he was putting me through. Now I am a fairly open book and I am really trying hard to be honest and open with my husband. She gave me some homework to work on with my husband. She told me that is my husband is going to come home in a couple of months, a year or mroe down the road we can't have these things hanging in the back of our minds. She felt I needed to spill my guts so to speak and get it all out of the table so that we aren't readdressing the same issues over and over. So this is how it went - 



Me: You know our counselor gives people homework. I have some homework and I am wondering if you have few moments for me to work on it? She wants me to talk to you and try and get what I am thinking and feeling out into the open. 

Him: Sure, I have some time so we can talk. 

Me: Okay, thanks. ( I took a deep breathe ) 

Him: Breathe and just talk to me. 

Me: Did I hurt your feelings a few days ago when I said you might as well have changed your address on your driver's license because you don't live here any more? 

Him: I am okay. Technically this is still my home, but I changed the address because all of my court documents are listed as the apartment so I didn't want any confusion as to my address in the courts, etc. 

Me: Okay, well here are the reasons why I said that to you. I want you to understand that you are not helping me mentally with all of the wishy washy messages you keep giving me. I am basing what I said off of the following facts. I am keeping in mind that you have done things for me that make me think you care, but because of all these other things I am having a hard time because I don't want you doing things for me because I am your friend. I want to know that I am your wife and that is the kind of love and caring I am receiving when you are doing things for me. 

Okay...here goes: 

My husband has left me. 

Him: No, the courts ordered me to leave.

Me: But, you were given the option to return home and you have not. 


Him: I do not feel I can return home. I don't want to go back to jail because this time it will be for a really long time.

Me: Stop listening to what every one else is telling you. You need to think for yourself. Are you that person from last year? Are you that person that is going to just up and threaten to hurt or will hit me again? What have you learned in your classes? If you aren't learning how to feel safe then you need to be addressing it with the program director. I am here. If something happens and you go to jail because you don't complete your hours or something goes wrong because you have been sick and they don't excuse it, I will be here. I don't know what all kind of help you will need, but I will be here. There are assistance programs avaialbe and I will seek them out. I can't be in jail for you, but I can certainly be here to support you. And besides that let's get this part straight - why would I sit here and say that I would be there for you is something happens if I am so desperate to send you to jail? Don't you think that is a bit rediculous? I love you and I would trade shoes with you if I could. Stop listening to other people, please. 

Him: What you are saying doesn't really mean much to me because I don't know what you can do to help me.

Me: I can certainly write you letter, I can come visit you, I can provided cash, -- I don't know what it means for a person when they are in jail. I only know what other people have told me. I am willing to do what ever it takes to look after you. I will look after everything so that you have a place to return to and you have your daughter and everything. What sense does it make to go through all of this crap if my motive is to put you in jail. Hell, I could do it a thousand times over with the way that you have dealt with things, but I haven't. I am trying to make this marriage work. I can't have that if you are in jail. 

Him: Let's hope it doesn't come down to that because I really don't want that. 

Me: Let's move on because that is something you really have to figure out on your own. 

Fact 2. Fact one really doesn't matter any more because fact two states that my husband has made it clear on several ocassions that he will never have anything to do with me and acts as though I am one of his "friends." I try to get close to him and he shuts me out - example slapping my hand away when I tried to hold his hand on the 4th of July.

Him: I never said I didn't want anything to do with you. I never slapped your hand away from me. 

Me: Then what was all that business about at our daughter's birthday with the family. You allowed me to be all over you for most of the day and then when it came right down to it you told me you didn't think so. And on the 4th of July we stood on the sidewalk and had the discussion about how you needed to take me back home because I was not going to be just your friend. What's with all of these boundaries that you have set up. I can't come near your apartment for what ever reason and if I suggest doing something away from either home you never say yes. Most of the time you ignore me and give me an excuse as to why you didn't see the message. 

Him: ( No answer so I waited for a reply. He didn't say anything. so I went on to another subject. ) 

Me: Okay, moving on so that I can get this all out. My husband is more concerned about his apartment than his own family and home.

Him: That is not true.

Me: It is true. Every time there is a money issue that comes up you complain more about not having enough money to cover the apartment than you do the house. You always complain because the apartment is charging you extra late fees and stuff because you are trying to come up with the money to cover everything. I have asked you to look into refinancing the house, but you haven't done that. I have asked you to consider coming home and subletting the apartment so that it would lessen the load. Nothing doing. As long as you are held up in your apartment that is where you feel the safest and forget what happens to the rest. 

Him: I am really pissed because I wanted to refinance before all of this stuff happened. He said now the rates have gone up. And I wasn't sure what to do because at one point you said you thought you should leave. 

Me: It's not too late. And yes, I did say I was going to leave. Why stick around and be by myself? I can live any where and be by myself, but being in the home makes me think of you and the possibility that one day you might come home. That's a huge head game to try and manuvery through. If you really want this house, I will help us. I will give you my paycheck flat out so that you can control what money is coming in. If you have to be a hard ass to get things paid then I will accept that. But, I am not going to sit here and stress out if you are not going to work on the marriage. I can stress out some place else just as easily. And the only person who really gets hurt is our daughter because she is being removed from the only home she knows. 

Him: Okay, I will call the bank on Monday and see if I can get it started. I think I still have the numbers to the people I talked to before. I gave them to you at one time so if I need them I will let you know. 

Me: That would be nice. I trust you to do the right thing with our finances. Having one person in charge will help get keep us on track. I will tell you what I need and you can have what's left over for bills. 

Him: Keep your money and put it in the bank so that I know you have some kind of security. 

Me: How does that help if you have no income and bills need to be paid?

Him: Can you pay X, Y, and Z right now so that won't be an issues? I appreciate that you are trying to help and sometimes buying me groceries as well as for you and our daughter. 

Me: Okay, there is one more thing that I need to address and then I will be finished. I don't know if you are aware of this, but I am not suposed to talk about any of this for another 48 hours once I talk to you. That way it gives me a chance to process everything you have said and I won't be jumping to conclusions - I will ask you if I am not sure about something and I am going to tell you what I think in a nice adult manner. 

Him: That's cool. I am glad you didnt take offense when I told you some of the things that I think you need to work on. I am glad to see that you are working on some of it. 

Me: You mean a lot to me and I want to make this marraige work. I am not listening to what anyone else has said. This is between you and I and you are the only one dragging your feet. 
Which brings me to the final fact. I feel like you are using me. 

Him: How is that? 

Me: I am doing the majority of the taking care of our daughter. I am not asking you for any financial assitance, but you don't ask about how we are doing. Your first thought is about how I am not helping you pay bills, etc. I have been paying bills - along with taking care of the house, the yard, our child, and working a full time job. I don't have the back up support that you have. And besides, you can afford to pay for your dating sites and whateever else you are doing at the apartment, so I don't want to hear about how you are doing so poorly financially. It is your choice to stay in the apartment. Your choice. To pay for dating sites. Your choice to be a part time dad to your daughter. 

Him; Right now I have to get my court stuff done. I am almost finished with their ordered work. Once that is done I can be more available to help with our daughter. If I don't get done I am going to jail and then I won't get to see her at all. I am losing my job and I don't have any more money. I am not paying for dating sites. I'd like to know how I am doing that when I have no money to pay for them? I feel like I am swirrling the drain as it is. 

Me: I am not going to stand here and argue about it. I have seen it. Your daughter has seen it on more than ocassion at your apartment. I am not stupid so don't try to play a head game with me. You are the one that is in control of whether you go down the drain or not. I am here trying to tell you that I love you and I want you to come home. I am trying to do what it takes to make you feel safe. I don't think there is much else I can do other than to just stand back and watch you go down because you certianly don't want to be with me and you certainly don't want to do anything to help yourself. Your job is not who you are. You can be at 20 different jobs and that doesn't make you who you are. Who you are is what's inside of you and that's what you bring to those jobs. We can live off of very little, but I have to know you are in this with me in order to get the job done. 

I looked at the time on my cell phone and saw that is was nearly 2am ...we had been talking for about 1 1/2 hours and he was starting to yarn and I could see was tired. He had just stood there crying through this conversation and although I wanted to get this worked through, I couldn't talk any more. He left and sent me a text message saying Thank you. The next day I didn't hear from him very much because I was really busy at work. I tried to text him a few times and we had a couple of laughs and it felt really good. So, that night I sent him a message and told him it felt good. It feels good to be a part of a team that I know will be successful. I also told him that I felt we made progress on a ton of levels. For one -- standing in the driveway away from the car out in the open alone with me for nearly 2 hours. I told him that I could feel he loves me and I can feel it in a way that I haven't felt it in a really long time and i told him thank you for talking to me.....

So, riding on this high for the day and then it takes a crappy turn for the bad again...


----------



## Finding Nemo

So here is part two --- 

We are riding high on this conversation that we have just had. It's feeling really good. I am feeling loved. We spent the weekend working together so that my husband could get his hours in and see his daughter. I made arrangements on my schedule so that he could spend a different night with our daughter before she went back to school on Tuesday. They had a recall with one of the products my company sells and so I am burried deep in B.S. I am texting my husband between store visits to tell him what's going on. He is sending me back messages of encouragment and playfully laughing with me because I am actually dealing with people and being calm and cool while doing it. I get my work reports put in on Wednesday night and I go to bed feeling really super super awesome. My husband had just left. I got not only a hug, but a kiss and he asked me to look at a spider bite that he thinks he got previously in the day. He's allowing me into his world in ways that he hadn't before. He even told me on Wednesday that he knows I have worked really hard all week with this recall and he hopes that my dance class is a good distraction. He told me not to worry about our daughter because he has my back. This is a statement we both have been saying to each other. It just kind of started happening and it felt good to say it and mean it so I kept saying it to him. 

I woke up around 4am Thursday morning with the most aweful of feelings. The lie that he told me to my face about the dating sites is now eating away at me. He had told me that he was getting up early the next moring and I thought he was awake by this time and so I tried to call him. I was just going to tell him that I had this crappy feeling after being lied to and I want to work through it if we could. He didn't answer his phone. 

So, I sent a text message saying sorry for calling so early. I explained that I am not doing very well in regard to the lie that he told to my face. I said I am going to wait to talk to him face to face about it and that I was planniing to have an adult conversation with him. I told him that I wanted him to explain what this is all about because it is not making me feel very good at all. I told him not to panic because this can be worked through if he wants to work through it with me. 

My daughter gets up and we get on the road to school and work. By this time in the days earlier I would have heard from him at least a dozen times. I figure he saw my message and is now ignorning me. Nothing from him all day long. I send nothing. I don't call him. I don't do anything. I just let this fester. I tried to give a bit or release to the pressure and I sent the same type of good night message that I have always sent for months whether he is talking to me or not. Short and sweet -- goodnight and sweet dreams kind of thing. 

I had a visit with my IC and told her what was going on in my head. She asks me how much longer I am going to stay in a one sided marriage where I am the only one that wants it? She said my husband has just given me the reason why he doesn't have anything to do with me. He either has someone else already or he is pretty close to being with someone and that is why he has been so atached to me over the past few days or so. She said it's kind of guilt eating at him and that is why he lied to me. She told me I needed to try to talk to him like I said I was going to do. She told me that if he were in her office she would give him a couple of days to decide what's most important to him, but since she can't counsel him she would have to leave it up to me to ask him -- and not take I don't know for an answer. She asked if I had talked to his program director and I told her I had, but they don't seem to be too concerned about any of this. He says he doesn't feel like he can make a decision about anything right now so they told him its okay to wait. Meanwhile, my head is being screwed over royally because I really want him. She told me she would try to call the director and talk to him and see if he could offer any advice. 

Friday morning comes and there's no messages, no phone calls, nothing throughout the entire day. I got off work early and I thought to myself that my husband must be having a really rough time at work or he is isn't sure how to deal with what's going on. So, when I finished visiting my last store I bought a basket and some fruit. He is on a special diet right now so I packed those kinds of things into the basket. I then hand wrote a short hand written note saying that when things get rough and he isn't sure what to do all he needs to do is look beside him and there he will find our daughter and myself. I included a second paragraph that said he is loved unconditionlly and that we appreciate him and we think he is awesome. I delivered it to his work expecting nothing in return. Which is a good thing because nothing has been mentioned about receiving it. 

It was almost time to go get my daughter from school so I started driving toward her school. My husband calls me. He asks me if I can go get our daughter so that he can put in hours for the court. He said they are letting him leave early so he can get in the time. I told him to go get it done and I would cover the rest. I didn't say I have your back because I am feeling used right now. Our daughter had an appointment and she had a class so I planned to take her to those. He asked me to call him so he could spend time with our daughter and then he tells me that he is going to have to work on Sunday so could we talk about making arrangements for me to help them spend some time together over the weekend. This kind of pissed me off but I didn't say anything. This thought jumped into my brain that said if you weren't so damn busy with your dating sites you would have the time and energy for your family - but I bit my tongue and said Go get this over with. It will be one less things we have to deal with. He thanked me and told me he was at the place to work so he needed to go but would call me later. 

Before he got off the phone he told me that he also was talking to his dad because his dad needs him to cosign on a $ 30,000 loan. I told him I hope he hasn't already done that because if they default on that loan I am going to get stuck with it and I am not okay with it. He tried to tell me that since he doesn't live with me that it's only him that is responsible and I told him what a lawyer told me and that is I am responsbile because we are still married. There is a huge different between separated and legally separated. Legally separated means all debt etc is your own, but the way things are it means it is both of us. He said he offerend his dad a different solution and that was to move his shop to another location that is in a busier loction. I told him to not do anything until we could talk about this some more because I am not going down for something I do not approve of. Hisd dad does not have a very good track record of paying things back. My husband doesn't have a job in 6 weeks so if his dad default who gets stuck with this loan. He said he hasn't done anything yet. He's just concerned about his dad and the dad's girlfriend and her kids. I agreed we would talk more when he wasn't rushed for time. I then picked up our daughter and did what I needed to do with her. So now I have two things festering...

We are on our way to my daughter's class and my phone rings. It's my husbands friend that I told you guys about a while back. He is calling to check on me. I told him I am not doing so well and he asks me what was going on. I told him I rather not talk in front of my daughter. So, he said okay. He asked what we were up to and I told him going to class. He said, I am going to come over and see your daughter at class. Apparently he lives like a block from where we were. So, he shows up at the class. Stays long enough to talk to me to ask why I am not doing so well and I am told him about the dating sites and how I feel like a used piece of crap right now. He told me to hang in there and just keep telling my husband I love him and for him to come home. I told him I would try, but it's been 9 1/2 months now and after talking to my counselor the night before I didn't know if I could keep at this. I asked him - what would you do if your wife wants nothing to do with you, she doesn't live at home with you, she does't have a job and yet when it comes to finances they want you to help them out? Do you think that is a fair trade? He told me that he thinks my husband just needs more time because his identity lies in taking care of his family and he feels like he is losing that along with everythign else. I asked how that is fair to me when I have been fighting and fighting and fighting for my marriage and family but he doen't seem to be one bit interested in me. He made me promise I would hold, talk to my husband and try to get passed this. He asks me if my daughter was going with her dad and if I wanted to go to dinner and talk. I said I don't know. He said to contact him later if I decided to. He said he is not asking me on a date, he is trying to help set my mind in a better place to deal with my husband. 

So -- my daughter finished class and I text my husband to tell him we were finished with class. I asked him to let me know what he wants to do in order to see our daughter. I then text him and I told him that his friend came to see our daughter at karate. He asked why. I said he asked me how I was doing and I wouldn't talk to him in front of our daughter so I am pretty sure he showed in person to talk to me. I told him that I told him friend what was going on and his friend left shortly after saying Hello to our daughter. He wrote back and said - So now he won't talk to me any more? and I said, It's the opposite. He's been sitting here trying to convince me to hang into this marriage a while longer. Then my husband goes silent. I wouldn't have said anything in the first place, but when my daughter knows this guy has been there I know she will talk about it. I just thought is was best to be upfront and let honesty be the forerunner in this situation. I don't know if my husband is upset, jealous, or what since he stopped talking to me. 

I was frustrated and so I decided I was going to just spill everything out to him. He didn't say a word to me the entire time it took me to write it all out. It took me nearly an hour to type it all out in text. Nothing but silence....until he gets to the part at the end where I said to him that obviously he's in an emotional state of mind that he can't handle talking to me at the moment and so I am going to go away and he can come and find me when he feels he can talk. He wrote back " WTF? " So, I started to rewrite what I said early, but once I got the first piece of the message sent off I waited for a reply. After about an hour I just laid the phone on the charger and went about my business. I have not heard from him since. 

I didn't go to dinner with the friend. I didn't even say yes or no. I just sent him a text and told him that my husband knows he was at karate and that we had talked. I told him it almost seems like my husband is upset, but I can't be sure. He said he doesn't intend to end their friendship just because of what is going on. He said he did wish that my husband would wake up and see that he has the opportunity of a life time and he' just throwing it all away.

So...here I am. Things festering without a hint as to when they are going to explode. 

When my FIL's girl friend called to talked to me about the loan and various other things we discussed what had happened and she told me my husband is now jealous and has all kinds of stuff in his head because he thinks the friend will swoop in and take over his family. She says he lied to me about the sites because he still cares about me and doesn't want me to go away. I asked her how he is asking me to stay by giving his energy to those websites. She said she agrees. He's still married and his wife still wants him so he needs to put his energy into one or the other not both. She told me that the reason he wasn't answering me is because he was talking to his dad. He wasn't able to keep up with the text message and talk so he wrote WTF? Then she tells me about the loan - they want to use our house as collateral and have my husband cosign. I told her that no one had better do anything without my consent because I am not covering for their default. I said my husband doesn't want me so he need to take this money he's trying to get and pay for a divorce. Then he is free to do what ever he wants. I said at the end of the divorce there won't be a house to put up for collateral, so I don't think any of this a win - win situation for anyone. I said I am then left to find a place to live with my daughter while my husband runs around foot loose and fancy free. She says he loves me too much to leave me without a place to live. He loves me so much why am I going through all of this other crap? We should be sitting down to make a plan for the next six weeks and trying to figure out how to get through til he has a job again. Not sititng here playing this messed up mind game. My head is about to explode --- WTF? is right. 

Someone get out their 2X4 or something because I either really have to love this guy or I am crazy one of the two.


----------



## Tron

Hmmm. Thinking.


----------



## Finding Nemo

Tron said:


> Hmmm. Thinking.



If you can wrap your head around this I will be amazed.


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## Tron

Pffft....brain scrambled. :scratchhead:


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## Tron

Well Nemo. 

I dont know about hanging around waiting on your H to get his **** together, but you are definitely right about not co-signing anything for the FIL. That is not your problem. FIL and his girlfriend and her kids need to figure that out on their own.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Fine.
> 
> How r u Catch?
> 
> You two starting to connect?
> 
> how is the job search?
> 
> apartment search?
> 
> Aren't you little miss talkative lately? At least you aren't complaining so that must be progress.


Well im here....i kept up with the calender thing so its "my time" and he's erking the heck outta me...lol its the whole i don't think i want this feeling this week soooo im just playing it by ear. Things are ok but ill wait until im thinking clearlyagain before updating. I think that'll be better for accuracy. ..lol

Glad to hear you are doing well though Tron. 
Umm not really job searchingmuch . Ive been in touch with my seasonal employer so I go bk there soon.

Still have the two places but we stay more at his apt now. Ill update more in two days when im done though. Right now I want to go home...


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Pffft....brain scrambled. :scratchhead:


Mine too, wish I had some answers to help her out. I do know for my sitch...we're on 9 months separated now. If nothing has changed by 12months....im definitely moving out of the house and to another city ...and filing. Love does not hurt and should not require this much effort, especially if its one sided.


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Mine too, wish I had some answers to help her out. I do know for my sitch...we're on 9 months separated now. If nothing has changed by 12months....im definitely moving out of the house and to another city ...and filing. Love does not hurt and should not require this much effort, especially if its one sided.




Catch, I too am looking at 12 months and calling it quits, too. Only my husband and noone else knows it. I am so tired of this entire mess. I want to start hearing answers, thoughts, feelings from my husband and not anyone else. He is the one with the answers so he is the one that needs to start talking - talking to me that is. We don't have time to sit here and mess around with a guessing game. We have a house to save and a child to look after. If he wants to sit in his apartment feeling sorry for himself, then he can do that all by himself. Meanwhile, I plan to keep enough money aside so that I can look after my daughter and myself if necessary. I love my husband, but enough is enough already. He's not a victim in this situation so I wish he would stop acting like one. The only real victim is our daughter and she doesn't have to be one if we pull our heads out of our behind and work together on this. I have wants and needs just like my husband does, but you don't see or hear of me running around trying to find someone other than my husband. Sometimes I think that is what he needs to wake his behind up -- but that is stooping to low toward the same level as him. Why can't he just accept that he is loved and get on with having a good life with his family?


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## catch22gofigure

Well well it's been a long while...so i wanted to take a minute to update.


Since I was last here I totally went against the grain. I opted to make good on that trip and announced to all friends and family that I was relocating there. You would have thought i announced i'd died. Everyone went nuts including H. I stayed there a week. H called day and night asking me to come back and has even made an appt for counseling. I really want out of this city and let him know this. So now he is trying to make plans for us all to move there permanently. I agreed to come home, we start counseling next month. He's moved most thingsout. of the home house and we now all live in his apt. So we are now officially working on it. Its gonna be tough i know. None of the issues have been resolved. He welcomed me back with tears in his eyes and is trying. Now for me to work more on me. There are still walls up. But I'm gonna do my best.


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## Tron

That is a great update.


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## catch22gofigure

I guess so. Why am i not overly excited about it though ? That's what's puzzling me.:scratchhead:


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## Tron

catch22gofigure said:


> I guess so. Why am i not overly excited about it though ? That's what's puzzling me.:scratchhead:


You've been through a 6 month ringer where he jerked you around the whole time playing games with you and your feelings. It took you actually leaving him to force him to man up. Not much there to get excited about.

Your feelings about it are completely justified.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> You've been through a 6 month ringer where he jerked you around the whole time playing games with you and your feelings. It took you actually leaving him to force him to man up. Not much there to get excited about.
> 
> Your feelings about it are completely justified.


Ok. I was like ok...this is soooo not the reaction i thought id have a different reaction. He's head over heels it seems...idk we'll see...


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## Tron

Hopefully head over heals enough to take MC seriously.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> Hopefully head over heals enough to take MC seriously.


Hopefully. We start next month . I'm not excited about it, but i asked for it sov here goes. He's started letting me know immediately when something "familiar" arises between us and asked that I do likewise. So that's where our start has been. Attempting to change the dynamic. I don't think he knows it's called that though...lol


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## catch22gofigure

I do want to thank each and every one of you who have stuck with me throughout this journey. Tron, i still think you're secretly a marriage counselor. You've directed me, advised me, and really kept me focused throughout this whole thing. Who knows where we'll end up. But I'm grateful to you all for where we are now. Today, for the first time in our marriage he merged our bank accounts. Small things like this are taking place slowly. Counseling starts in two weeks wish us luck !


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## Tron

WOW!!! That is really great news!

I am glad that I could help you and certainly will not take all the credit. The other ladies helped and ultimately you did this not me. 

Truly, taking the trip, walking away and putting the M on the line was really the final stroke, the final push he needed. You did that on your own. As they say a lot here on TAM, being prepared to lose everything is sometimes what is required, but it sure is a difficult thing to do in reality.

I hope you both commit to MC. My W and I were in for a solid year, year and a half and have gone back for refreshers on and off for the past 10 years. We have a very good MC, one that my W and I really feel comfortable with. 

I still think you need to spend some time in IC to deal with your mommy issues and I hope you won't give up on that just because you didn't like your first counselor. There are some bad ones out there. I am little afraid that until you become aware of what, when and how it pops up in your day-to-day interaction with your H, it will still rear its ugly head and have a negative influence.

Be good! And best of luck to you! 

Feel free to send me an update every so often.


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> WOW!!! That is really great news!
> 
> I am glad that I could help you and certainly will not take all the credit. The other ladies helped and ultimately you did this not me.
> 
> Truly, taking the trip, walking away and putting the M on the line was really the final stroke, the final push he needed. You did that on your own. As they say a lot here on TAM, being prepared to lose everything is sometimes what is required, but it sure is a difficult thing to do in reality.
> 
> I hope you both commit to MC. My W and I were in for a solid year, year and a half and have gone back for refreshers on and off for the past 10 years. We have a very good MC, one that my W and I really feel comfortable with.
> 
> I still think you need to spend some time in IC to deal with your mommy issues and I hope you won't give up on that just because you didn't like your first counselor. There are some bad ones out there. I am little afraid that until you become aware of what, when and how it pops up in your day-to-day interaction with your H, it will still rear its ugly head and have a negative influence.
> 
> Be good! And best of luck to you!
> 
> Feel free to send me an update every so often.


I agree . Everyone was phenomenal and instrumental in this. I sure wish that Lost could have hung around, but hey. I will keep everyone updated . You are right about IC i plan on completing that too. His insurance is paying for MC so im gonna see if both will or can be covered. I start back to work tomorrow. The employer had guaranteed this will be my last season seasonal. I will be hired in as a trainer this year !! So i am gonna start a new thread for guidance and a place to journal. Once i start it ill let you all know here so you can follow it if you like. I will be in touch. Ttys


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## catch22gofigure

Just updating again 
Today he says that the apt IS TOO SMALL, yes !! We are now searching surrounding cities for a new home that will shorten his commute while making our living quarters much more comfortable


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## whitehawk

Hey Catch , that's all such good news but me's gotta protest um - other ladies and ummm,, gentlemen :smthumbup:
l'm just glad when we were telling you we didn't think he was done you guys persisted and here ya go Catch . Such great news on those baby steps with him and hey , the new place too , citing .

This feels like the right way for you guys Catch , good luck.


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## catch22gofigure

Thanks WH ! 
Well still taking it day by day. Living and learning! Right now our schedules are so conflicting me working days and him evenings timing is limited, so no counseling yet. Still looking forward to it but not a go. He's trying to change shifts or jobs whichever comes first because he said he's got me back and wants time to enjoy it. We're very careful of our words and actions these days. Just hope we can keep up the momentum. As i promised i'll check in and out as much as I can. Love and thank you guys for everything. Were far from perfect but at least we're trying. Ttys


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## NotEZ

So glad everything is working out for you guys Catch. Things with me and H have been great too.. better than great, actually. There have been tense moments and we've actually been able to "TALK" them out. My untalkative and "assumed" uncaring H, has been replaced with the most supportive version of him I've ever known... amazing what happens when you give him something to respond too instead of assuming he doesn't care because he's not reading your mind lol. We are in the best place we've ever been, which is saying a lot because we were pretty good up until the last 3 years or so. This site, and especially the people in this thread (looking at you Tron & Catch) have been instrumental to our success. There are no words that can explain my gratitude. You guys are the best.


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## catch22gofigure

This is great news NotEZ ! I was wondering about you all. My mind wanders to this thread so often. You guys were/are literally the thread (pun intended ) that held us together. Don't get me wrong, we still have issues. I just have a different approach to them and we are actually trying to work through them now. That's a first sand warms my heart to know we're learning and growing like never before.


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## NotEZ

Hey guys, just catching up. We are still doing amazingly well. H is opening up more than he ever has. We had a very emotional conversation the other night (nothing to do with our relationship) in which he expressed thoughts and emotion and I never knew he felt regarding his life (re: illness). He trusted me enough to allow himself to be vulnerable and actually cried while expressing it... which as you guys know is HUGE considering I pretty much beat that part out of him with my words prior to our separation. It all seems so stupid now, it truly does. 

I don't know what I was searching for before. We've been together since I was 17... his illness has always been a part of our lives, obviously worsening over the years. I knew that and I chose it for a reason. That reason being he is one of the most amazing men, with one of the biggest hearts, a person can be lucky enough to meet. 

I laugh now (and reading another thread on this site is what made me think about it and post this update) that I almost threw it all away, destroying him in the process, all because of a stupid resentment I couldn't let go of. That, of course, being that I blamed him for his family not calling me when he went into kidney failure causing me to look for him for 9 hours when he was suddenly transferred hospitals and I had no clue what had happened. 

Since we've gotten back together, I don't think I've even "thought" about that, let alone questioned him or got mad at him for it. Feels pretty bad to know I ragged on him for 3 years after that despite watching with my own eyes how his daily life changed after that incident. How can you possibly blame someone for not seeing the importance in your concerns over what happened while they were unconcious and in the hospital for 3 weeks having their life changed forever. 

I feel a lot of guilt for it all but I'm not dwelling on it. I have been given the chance to spend the rest of our time making it up to him and thats what I plan to do. 

I would say that right now we are the closest we've ever been and I will never take that for granted again.


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## Finding Nemo

I am so happy for you EZ. Your story helps to keep me focused on the what the real prize is at the end of all of the non sense. I hope I get to post great news soon, too.


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## NotEZ

Its been a while Nemo, how are you doing? Any progress on your end?


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## Finding Nemo

*


NotEZ said:



Its been a while Nemo, how are you doing? Any progress on your end?

Click to expand...

*
As usual I don't know for sure what we have...It's been a few months so there has been a lot taking place. I'll try to keep this short but give you some idea as to what's been going on. 

*
Father in laws loan:* Father in law wanted us to give up our home in order to get a loan that would help save his business and pay for him to buy a house of his own. 

*Update: * My husband decided not to get the loan. In the beginning he was going to do it. He was willing to lose everything he had just for the sake of making his dad happy. After many hours of conversation I was able to get my husband to see that he wasn’t in a position to be trying to help anyone because he couldn’t even help himself at the time. He had just gotten laid off, didn’t get paid for nearly three weeks and I was buying him groceries and paying the majority of our bills. It took nearly every penny of my savings in order to keep us out of trouble. In addition, his dad started treating him like crap right along with the dad’s girlfriend. They were telling my husband that he had better grow up and do what his dad was telling him to do. This is typical behavior from his dad. My husband was finally able to break the cycle of abuse from his dad by saying no. Now Father in law doesn’t talk to us at all. Guess who doesn’t care for a change? 

*Female coworker:* Husband rescued her from jail. She was staying at his apartment. 

*Update: * She takes some kind of controlled medicine that helps with psychological problems – serious ADHD and more than a possibility she is bipolar. She stopped taking her medicine and started flipping out. My husband tried to stick around, but after two weeks of her angry all over the place behavior he left and went to stay with a mutual friend of ours. After he would get off work he started coming home and he stayed here sitting talking to me until the wee early morning hours. Then he would go back to our friend’s house, shower, and go to work. One weekend he went to the apartment and she went off on him. Then she went off on me. She was ticked off because he wasn't spending time with her and instead in her opinion he was spending too much time with his wife and his family. She even tried to manipulate him into leaving me. She sent me some nasty messages and made some threats toward me. I ignored her stupid behavior. This ticked her off even more. I called my husband at our friend’s house and told him what was going on. He then called her up and told her that she had better stop or she was going to end up on the street with no help. Get this – she writes me a letter and asks to be my friend. I never gave her an answer and I haven’t ever spoken to her. About a day later she was allowed to go back home. Since then she has only contacted my husband one time and when she found out he was with me on a date she hung up on him and hasn’t contacted him since. He told me that he is so sorry for getting wrapped up in her mess. He said she wasn't this crazy when he knew her before and although he feared for life in the beginning seeing her behavior on a day to day basis was enough to understand that she needs a lot more help than he is able to give her. Guess it's true what they say about gaining clarity when the crazy fog lifts, huh? 

On another note regarding the female coworker and the job my husband got laid off from – my husband was offered the opportunity to stay and he said no. He didn’t tell them, but he decided to leave because he didn’t want to work near the female coworker any more. He is working another job now, but he didn’t give his work number to anyone except for me. Everyone else is required to call his cell phone or text him. Then he gets back to them on his breaks. That is if he has time because he has been calling me on the way to work, on his breaks and lunch, and he calls me on the way back to the apartment. If he can’t call me on the way to the apartment I know to be ready to answer the phone between 9 – 9:30 even night. 

*Update regarding the holidays:* We didn’t spend Thanksgiving together. We tried to. We went to dinner the night before Thanksgiving and then we went driving around looking at the new art work the city had put out. We live in an area that is huge on art of all kinds and they are always adding huge bronze statues all over the place. We were having fun as a family until he got pulled over by the police and they arrested him because they saw that there was a restraining order saying we can’t be together. We both kept telling them that the restraining order was no longer in place and we told them the exact date of March when it was released. After they ran a search using the dates we told them they finally found the release order. It had been filed under miscellaneous and not restraining order release. They released my husband back to me and by the time he made it back to me in the parking lot I was shaking uncontrollably and I was physically sick. My husband hugged me and held onto me until I was able to gain composure. I was so messed up mentally. I just knew it would set him back again. And it did. He ended up not spending Thanksgiving with us. He called me before bed, but that was it. It took some talking and it took a few days before he bounced back, but he did. 

*Christmas*: My husband’s work made him take some time off because they closed down for the holiday. For the entire month of December my husband called me after I would get off from work and we would meet for dinner, a movie, or something. If we weren’t together after work we were on the phone talking for hours. You would think that we would run out of things to talk about. That never happened. Christmas eve he took us to a movie at a theater about 2 hours from our house. We had a blast. Then after we arrived back at home he asked me to stay and talk with him for a few minutes. A few minutes turned into 4am before he left. He spent the day with his aunt who had hip surgery and then called me and we met up for dinner. He took our daughter with him to stay at the apartment for a week because she was on holiday break and I had to work. We talked every single day and then for New Year’s I got a special text message. My husband told me he loves me and he looks forward to a better 2014. We agreed I was owed a New Year's kiss...which he paid in full. 
*
Update on his prevention classes and the apartment:* My husband graduated from his prevention classes and is now free to join me in counseling. We aren’t sure if we are going to be seeing my counselor (who was our MC before) or if we will be going to see his counselor (the director from his prevention classes). Either way, we both agreed that we would continue to work on ourselves and one way or another we both will have a mutual love and respect for each other. 

The second importance of him graduation his classes is that he told me that when he finished his classes he was going to see where I am emotionally, etc… and he would decide what he wants to do from there. He hasn't said a word to me other than he told me back in November that in September when all of the mess happened with the female coworker and we started spending time together and we started communicating on a deeper level he started to feel like there was hope for us and he started trying to build off of what was left of our foundation. I asked what that means and he said that he loves me and has been trying to work through everything that has brought us to the separation. Not sure if that means he wants our marriage or not, but he tells me all of the time that he does love me. 

Also, December 1st he called me and told me that he had just received a letter from the apartment management company. His lease is up February 11, 2014 so they want to know from him if he is going to stay in the apartment for another year or not. I asked him what he was going to do and he told me he wasn’t sure. I waited another week and I asked him if he had decided yet. He said he hadn’t decided but he knows he has to do something soon. I waited another week and asked him again. He tells me that he hasn’t decided yet. I wasn’t sure what to say or do next. So I asked him if he would please give me an idea as to where his thinking is and if he ever thinks of coming home other than when I ask him about it. He told me that he thinks about it all of the time. I didn’t want to push him so I sort of left it and figured I would talk to him about it again in a week. A week went by and I didn’t ask him because we were both sick. We talked on the phone but not very much because we both needed a lot of sleep. 

So, here it is an entire month has gone by and he only has a month left before the apartment lease is up. As far as I know he isn’t any further to making a decision now than he was then. I don’t know how to approach him again because I am scared out of my mind. It works best if I give him space and time, so I wonder when I should ask again. There is also the issue of him not wanting to come into the house. It took 6 months to be comfortable enough to park in front of our house. Six more months and he was able to walk into the garage all by himself and pull the battery out of the garage door opener. This was only a week ago when he was here working on my car. I kind of have a way to ask him to come into the house, but I am not sure I should say anything or not. Our water heater started leaking all over the place. He paid for an arranged for a plumber to come and replace it. I am thinking next time he is here I should ask him if he wants to see the water heater? 

That’s what’s been going on around here. I had decided before that at one year of separation I would call it quits, but then he stepped up and his actions started matching his words. Or at least I think they do. My counselor let it slip and said that she thinks he is going to come home. She asked me why wouldn’t he after doing everything he’s been doing? She says everything he has done is because he is trying to make his way home. She even gave me some suggestion on how to gently bring him back into the house so that he isn’t so scared. I wish she hadn’t have said anything at all because this hasn’t helped me at all. It just added to the fear of how much he has done and how much it is going to hurt if he says no to coming home and to our marriage. 

Thank you guys for keeping me company as the crazy train continues to go around and around...


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## Tron

I guess that sounds like progress. 

You will know one way or the other where his head is at in less than a month.


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## NotEZ

Hey Nemo, glad to hear your update. I hope you get your answers soon. I know you've been sitting in limbo for a long time. 

My only advice for you... if he does not willingly move back in february, make the decision for him and end it yourself. You've done more than anyone should be expected too to save this relationship... if he is still "unsure", make the decision for him. If you dont, I fear you will be stuck in limbo for the forseeable future.

Hopefully he's ready in february. I am pulling for you guys, you know that


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## catch22gofigure

Hi everyone just dropping in to say hello !


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## Finding Nemo

catch22gofigure said:


> Hi everyone just dropping in to say hello !




Hi Catch! Hope you are doing well and you are still on the path to success.


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## catch22gofigure

Hey Nemo....well hun idk what path I'm on today. Weird things are happening again. Do trying to determine if it's me and my mania or if we're beating a dead horse. How have you been ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron

What is weird?


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## catch22gofigure

Tron said:


> What is weird?


Weird things like me all of a sudden losing interest and him not initiating counseling as he told me he would. Like I was telling you. Im not sure if its just me or what. 
We not handling arguments. We just let them die and leave them there. I feel we need to talk about them. Don't pressure him anymore about venting his feelings even though it angers me sometimes that he still doesn't just do it. Idk..still learning and growing. Or at least trying to.


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## catch22gofigure

Hello everyone. I haven't forgotten about my TAM family. Think about you all quite often. Just dropping in to say hi.


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## Finding Nemo

Hey Catch, totally did not see your post. Hope you are doing well. I am extremely happy tonight. It's been a long hard road, but my husband and I are still together and he's planning to move home for Christmas. Nearly two years have gone by and so much has happened. I can't believe I get to actually write those words. YAY ME!!!!


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## Catch22gofigure2

Had to start a new profile Catch22gofigure2


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## Tron

How are you doing Catch?


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## Catch22gofigure2

Im better than i was Tron...How are you? Well go to my new pa ge. Im locked out of this one lol Catch22gofigure2


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## Tron

Better is good. 

You and H are getting along then? 

You working?


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## Catch22gofigure2

No and yes. Go check out my update on my new account. Things are beyond crazy now.


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