# no cake eating!



## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

stbx sends me an email how he's glad i seem to be doing well, and proud he is of our son, he's "glad he's with us"...i wrote back there is no "us" according to you so don't use that word and that i don't care to hear how he feels about what i'm doing.

there will be no cake-eating in this house. not a crumb!:nono:


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I know what you mean, mine will say stuff like goodnite, have fun, blech


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

he tells me he never loved me, yet says he "still cares"...yeah ok! god just move out already....(few more days)


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

cabbage65 said:


> stbx sends me an email how he's glad i seem to be doing well, and proud he is of our son, he's "glad he's with us"...i wrote back there is no "us" according to you so don't use that word and that i don't care to hear how he feels about what i'm doing.
> 
> there will be no cake-eating in this house. not a crumb!:nono:



Consider this little twist: H sends email expressing how proud he is of DD, bear in mind that she is staying with him at the moment. Not once has he expressed any pride in DS, prefers to "bash" on him instead. DS just became a father, baby was 10 weeks early and is flourishing and doing so well. Bit of the ol' double standard at play here, ya think?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hate that "I still care" crap.

No, you're nosy and trying to string me along.

UGH! Good for you for telling him to shove it up his butt.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

lisa3girls said:


> I know what you mean, mine will say stuff like goodnite, have fun, blech



Yep, mine says "drive safely", or "I hope you are doing alright." Well, no! I am not doing alright!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's because they are guilty.

Asswipes.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

cherokee96red said:


> Consider this little twist: H sends email expressing how proud he is of DD, bear in mind that she is staying with him at the moment. Not once has he expressed any pride in DS, prefers to "bash" on him instead. DS just became a father, baby was 10 weeks early and is flourishing and doing so well. Bit of the ol' double standard at play here, ya think?


wow that's weird...totally his loss!! congrats on your grandbaby!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

hilly2 said:


> Yep, mine says "drive safely", or "I hope you are doing alright." Well, no! I am not doing alright!!!


Mine will do all this too and "Have a nice day at work" etc. I mean if he were trying to work on the marriage I'd appreciate it, but now wth? 

I guess it's better than always being angry/hateful. I guess.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Mine will do all this too and "Have a nice day at work" etc. I mean if he were trying to work on the marriage I'd appreciate it, but now wth?
> 
> I guess it's better than always being angry/hateful. I guess.


The problem with it is that it confuses me. Why is he doing this? Because he still cares of because it makes HIM feel better. I still love him very much, so I hold on to hope. I shouldn't love him though, I should be running in the opposite direction!


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

exactly hilly, very confusing and not fair to us! if you could now be so caring why would you have to leave? it's a joke afaic.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

hilly2 said:


> The problem with it is that it confuses me. Why is he doing this? Because he still cares of because it makes HIM feel better. I still love him very much, so I hold on to hope. I shouldn't love him though, I should be running in the opposite direction!


Yep, I agree... but I will have patience for a little longer. Maybe ... maybe he will come around and want to try. If not... I will be sad and feel very sad/bad for my children (who are already showing signs this is effecting them). I will miss what we had but I won't die w/o him and I will find someone who wants me.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Mine has accidentally said I love you twice on the phone this week but he still left. He even gives me hugs and kisses when he sees me. I stupidly let him. Why can't I be strong enough to push him away. I feel like a puppet and his hand is knife deep in my back!!!I just keep on dancing.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex was frequently baiting me with little praises of affirmation (thanks for being such a good father through all this, our son loves you so much) she even has tried feeding me some sort of little apologies via text messages such as "I'm sorry for what I've put you through" etc. I don't bite, don't acknowledge her words and certainly don't reciprocate, she has stopped I think.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

"cake eating" and my stupidity, ruined several friendships(completely my fault) for me. I was the dumped one. I have learned my lesson and I am keeping away from her. Never shall I be desperate.
Thanks confusion. Never again. NEVER.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Lon said:


> My ex was frequently baiting me with little praises of affirmation (thanks for being such a good father through all this, our son loves you so much) she even has tried feeding me some sort of little apologies via text messages such as "I'm sorry for what I've put you through" etc. I don't bite, don't acknowledge her words and certainly don't reciprocate, she has stopped I think.


Kisses and hugs would be more than confusing... but he stopped those a long time ago.  

I apologize and mean it to my H that I didn't know he was unhappy he never talked about it (except while fighting) and I said some mean things one night ... but never did I want him to leave or us not to work on things. I said some stuff that was immature and have apologized . He has apologized some... at first ... but I don't think he truly means it (just says it to relieve guilt). I also tell him I still love him (it's been a few weeks and I don't say it lightly) but it's true, but not as begging him to come back just to let him know. I think he is in a MLC and not sure how long I will wait but I do have to put my kids in the equation.


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Kisses and hugs would be more than confusing... but he stopped those a long time ago.
> 
> I apologize and mean it to my H that I didn't know he was unhappy he never talked about it (except while fighting) and I said some mean things one night ... but never did I want him to leave or us not to work on things. I said some stuff that was immature and have apologized . He has apologized some... at first ... but I don't think he truly means it (just says it to relieve guilt). I also tell him I still love him (it's been a few weeks and I don't say it lightly) but it's true, but not as begging him to come back just to let him know. I think he is in a MLC and not sure how long I will wait but I do have to put my kids in the equation.


I never asked my husband to come back. Maybe I should, I have nothing to lose. He texted me the other day and said "If I can do anything to help, let me know." Well, I am going to let him know. I need him to stop running away and work on our f****** marriage!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

But running is so much easier

Yes, when the moment is right....
I am sorry I know it goes against 180 but sometimes people just want to know you want them still and if you haven't asked how will you know?


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> But running is so much easier
> 
> Yes, when the moment is right....
> I am sorry I know it goes against 180 but sometimes people just want to know you want them still and if you haven't asked how will you know?


I am sure he wants to hear that...but I also know I am probably shooting myself in the foot. At this point, I have to do all that I can to save this marriage. I guess marriage means more to me than it does to him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Kisses and hugs would be more than confusing... but he stopped those a long time ago.
> 
> I apologize and mean it to my H that I didn't know he was unhappy he never talked about it (except while fighting) and I said some mean things one night ... but never did I want him to leave or us not to work on things. I said some stuff that was immature and have apologized . He has apologized some... at first ... but I don't think he truly means it (just says it to relieve guilt). I also tell him I still love him (it's been a few weeks and I don't say it lightly) but it's true, but not as begging him to come back just to let him know. I think he is in a MLC and not sure how long I will wait but I do have to put my kids in the equation.


I think praise, words of affirmation, hugs and kisses definitely make me feel good and give me strength, just not coming from her.

Weird things happened to me yesterday, was driving my car and for the first time since I found out about OM#2 I was able to visualize in my minds eye what it might be like to hug/kiss/embrace my ex W again, there was a tiny spark that allowed me to keep visualizing, but there was nothing there, it was all empty and I couldn't even get to a point of pleasure in that.

Then last night had a surreal dream that she just moved back into my house, was still carrying out her single dating life but just wanted me as one of her collection or something... I had no choice, when I started to realize what was happening I didn't have a chance to get angry because she started cleaning and doing all the things I always felt she neglected... but still I didn't want her and was too paralyzed to tell her to get lost. I awoke before I had the chance to put it right in my dream. weird dream.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Mine actually thought he was going to have a lifetime of cake eating... somewhere in his apparently lobotomized brain, he thought he would stay with the kids in the family condo during the week while I travelled for work, and then go back to his love nest with the ***** on weekends.

HOW CONVENIENT FOR HIM!! 

NOT... I changed the locks, am working with my employer on more local work, have a friend stay with the girls when I do hav to travel, and slapped an exclusive use motion on his stupid cheating lying ass. 

He says I am a *****.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

lon very interesting dream, the subconscious is on track!!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

My dreams have been having H come into them too. They wake me up around 4 - I don't finish mine either I wake up in such a funk and confusion. I know my brain is trying to work things through that I haven't but... man 4 hours asleep is not helping me heal (physically/emotionally).


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> But running is so much easier
> 
> Yes, when the moment is right....
> I am sorry I know it goes against 180 but sometimes people just want to know you want them still and if you haven't asked how will you know?


I think if you have to ask....you already know what the answer is.

Any dumper who is having misgivings seriously enough will come to you to talk it through. By asking, all you are doing is stoking their ego, and I think it would serve more to validate their actions rather than anything else.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> I think if you have to ask....you already know what the answer is.
> 
> Any dumper who is having misgivings seriously enough will come to you to talk it through. By asking, all you are doing is stoking their ego, and I think it would serve more to validate their actions rather than anything else.


Okay, WD what if it weren't asked just "your welcome back if you want to come back" rather than asking?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My H has got the biggest chocolate cake with chocolate frosting on and he's enjoying every bit of it. Wish I had the strength to shove it in his face!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Its best just to not give any credence to any compliments our exes or STBXs give us. They lied to us about their affairs and threw our expressions of love for them back in our faces. 

Their words mean nothing.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, they do need to hold up their reputation/image in front of their partners. It's all fear based...they usually get their affair partners by telling how terrible their spouses were, and how saintly they were...so if the loyal spouse cuts them off communication wise it looks kind of bad. Especially if the LS is a good parent, doesn't go out and party, isn't sleeping around, and is doing great now that the cheater/abandoner is gone. The new partner thinks...this doesn't add up. So, take it with a grain of salt, it's a new form of deceit and gaslighting, you're being used but you can always just hang up.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Okay, WD what if it weren't asked just "your welcome back if you want to come back" rather than asking?


Hey m2m....If you were to do that, all you are achieving is showing them you are willing to be their backup person. It can only serve to validate their actions....and open yourself up to be hurt over, and over, and over again. It is so hard (I am about to start that cutting away process), but I think demonstrating to them that the door is still cracked open is quite possibly the worst thing you can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> Hey m2m....If you were to do that, all you are achieving is showing them you are willing to be their backup person. It can only serve to validate their actions....and open yourself up to be hurt over, and over, and over again. It is so hard (I am about to start that cutting away process), but I think demonstrating to them that the door is still cracked open is quite possibly the worst thing you can do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I go back and forth with this... we have been together since we were in HS and almost 3 decades together. I believe he is in MLC and I don't know if he has OW (maybe online and maybe having EA). I started feeling things going south for about 18mos but just figured it was a down in our marriage. He left, moved out to get some space and I have many kids and I guess I have left the door open for now because of our history and our kids. I have done a bit of the 180. I rarely initiate contact unless it's kid/finance related and time essential. 

I guess I do keep my hopes up too much... he knows he has done a lot of damage(but so have I) and is thinking that he may have done too much harm to come home and try to fix it, but is unwilling to do seek help in MC/IC or anything else.


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