# What's worse? several one-nighters or a long term affair???



## lollypip (Sep 9, 2012)

Would just like to know what people think in general...I know all cheaters are scumbags,but what would you hate more,one long term affair of a couple of years,or several one night stands with different people?
I think i would have preferred different people,instead of maybe falling in love with somebody else and having the same sort of relationship with somebody else that they have with me,the same lines,the same look,the same 'i love you'.the same nickname,nothing would be special for just us two anymore.....what do you think????


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

That's like asking would I prefer the firing squad or the electric chair.


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

how about several nsa meets that turn into regular things or sex buddies.. my wife was all about continuing the fwb route with several guys at once


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## lollypip (Sep 9, 2012)

I know it seems like a stupid question, of course NOBODY would want to be cheated on at all!!! just wondered if anyone thought a long term affair would be more painful when there are emotions involved,rather than someone just going elsewhere for sex..


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

long term affair


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Doesn't matter...I'm pretty sure that either would be GAME OVER for me.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

No difference. All affairs hurt beyond measurment.

You see to the BH that had a WW that had slept with the OM once, he decides to recover because he says it could of been worse.

Then the BH that had a WW that had an affair for a year and WW can't count the number of times they did it, but recovers, it could of been worse.

Then the BH that had a WW get knocked up by the OM....

Then the BH that....

Thing is no matter how bad things were they could of been even worse.

This is why scores can't be kept.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Both are bad obviously. The hurt would be the same. 

I don't understand how a ONS would hurt less. I think if it were me, I would be angered even more by several ONS. Not having feelings for the person you cheated with means you would throw the marriage aside for cheap sordid sex. If anything, having feelings for the other person would hurt like hell to hear as the betrayed spouse, but it makes it more understandable whereas telling me "it was just sex. It was nothing" means then I must be less than nothing since he put "nothing" above me.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Both are bad obviously. The hurt would be the same.
> 
> I don't understand how a ONS would hurt less. I think if it were me, I would be angered even more by several ONS. Not having feelings for the person you cheated with means you would throw the marriage aside for cheap sordid sex. If anything, having feelings for the other person would hurt like hell to hear as the betrayed spouse, but it makes it more understandable whereas telling me "it was just sex. It was nothing" means then I must be less than nothing since he put "nothing" above me.


Exactly. The pain and devestation that would result from 'discovery' wasn't enough to keep him/her from scratching an itch, metaphorically speaking.

A long term affair...it would hurt that the spouse could love someone else, but however 'real' that relationship was, she/he is trading it in for SOMETHING; a fantasy future which will bring him/her 'True Happiness'. 'True Happiness' is worth the risk to 'Current Happiness'.

Both stink. I would side with MULTIPLE ONS as worse though. It would make me feel cheapER.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you have an affair?


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Betrayal is betrayal. Once my husband allows someone to be intimate with him in a PA, then it's over. I really don't think I could forgive him. I did have mind movies with his EA and seeing the video she made him, but I don't think I would be able to get over physical sexual contact.


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## here2learn (Aug 23, 2012)

I think a LTA would be harder to deal with, as the WS would have invested emotionally in another person. With ONSs, it seems strictly physical, and perhaps a spur-of-the-moment thing (albeit several separate moments, as the OP posited).


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Acknowledging the fact they both blow...I think I would have preferred a ONS. I got my husband trying to sleep with and telling his best friend's fiance that he loved her.

Yep, I vote for the ONS! lol


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LTA's suck cuz there is more emotion, were as the dozens of ONS stands are just a product of some messed up crap.

I mean if it one AP for years and then there is a large degree of intent to be with that one special person while you screw over you spouse.

But with ONS's its jst some poor uninformed or moraless person being used for the waywards enjotment...a band aid for a bad marriage.

I regress, a wayward can have a great marriage and have a LTA or a series of ONS......but the fact is a LTA has intent and planing were as a ONS is attacking cuz of oppertunity.

INK the both can be said with regards to LTA'S and ONS's.

The easy way to put it is ONS's have little care...or care a less about. Where as LTA's are more emotional were that one specific AP is focuased on.

I guess what it boils down to is the wayward thinks about getting the next strange or when they meet about again with the bestest person ever.....there still thinking about getting some from other then the person that doesn't have a clue.

At the end of the day my old lady could have found a LTA and I'd be done with her, but she just found a bandaid to keep her busy until I started giving a damb.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lollypip said:


> Would just like to know what people think in general...I know all cheaters are scumbags,but what would you hate more,one long term affair of a couple of years,or several one night stands with different people?
> I think i would have preferred different people,instead of maybe falling in love with somebody else and having the same sort of relationship with somebody else that they have with me,the same lines,the same look,the same 'i love you'.the same nickname,nothing would be special for just us two anymore.....what do you think????


I think this is not worth thinking about. I think that in either case it is all over.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:
When it happens ireguardless, its time to regroupe and get your sh!t together and work on your self.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

It doesn't matter which... both situations would end my 20+ year marriage.

I just KNOW I would never get over it...I'd be bitter and twisted forever no matter which it was.

Cheaters are selfish scum... I know I deserve better.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

I could never handle knowing my H loved another woman, the emotional tie would be way too much for me and we would never R. ONS is a physical thing, nothing personal, but i personally still couldnt stay in R if this was something done more than a one off mistake.

The only reason I am in R is because up to now I only know about 1 cheat that he better have learned from......this pain is way too much to go through again!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

They are equally bad.

1) Affair partners are wild cards and you are exposing your spouse to an unknown that they have not agreed to. 

2) In both types, the WS's mind is somewhere else either reliving the last encounter or planning the next one.

3) WS may be expending household resources on the affair that could have been used on the family.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lollypip said:


> Would just like to know what people think in general...I know all cheaters are scumbags,but what would you hate more,one long term affair of a couple of years,or several one night stands with different people?
> I think i would have preferred different people,instead of maybe falling in love with somebody else and having the same sort of relationship with somebody else that they have with me,the same lines,the same look,the same 'i love you'.the same nickname,nothing would be special for just us two anymore.....what do you think????


A series of one nighters would bother me because it is typically associated with a sex addiction and can spread STD's or may be more likely to than one long term affair partner. 

With that said, the long term affair partner hurts more, speaking from experience, for the reasons you suggest.

That is why I filed.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

LTA


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

For us women, the fear many of us have is that our partner will get a woman pregnant and then he will have additional responsibilities thrusted upon him. This is entirely possible with an ONS as much as with a LT relationship.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

lollypip said:


> Would just like to know what people think in general...I know all cheaters are scumbags,but what would you hate more,one long term affair of a couple of years,or several one night stands with different people?
> I think i would have preferred different people,instead of maybe falling in love with somebody else and having the same sort of relationship with somebody else that they have with me,the same lines,the same look,the same 'i love you'.the same nickname,nothing would be special for just us two anymore.....what do you think????


I think I would actually lose more respect than I already have if he had multiple ONS. I cannot stand men that only think with d****s. It would have increased the chance of me coming down with an STD also.

With a long term affair he would have at least put his heart into it. I can understand an emotional connection more than I can understand "Its just sex".

If I had to make any kind of a choice....neither. I would just like a man that is honest and faithful.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Well, WS has confessed to a drunken ONS with a stranger on a business trip and denies a PA with an EA he had with a coworker years later. 

I first fixated on the EA. It hurt worse at the start. But, as time has gone by (closing in on a year since discovery) I'd have to say the ONS hurts way more. I barely think about the EA, except maybe when I start doubting if it went PA. 

But, the ONS? It KILLS me he'd risk losing his young family for a BJ (or whatever it really was) with a total stranger. We meant that much to him?!? I mean, what kind of a person does that? It has totally changed my perception of him. He's not a very good person. Yes, it could have been a one time mistake, but we had been married for eight years and I was back home with a 5 and 2 year old. I'm not kidding, we had just gotten back from a family vacation to the very place he proposed to me just a week earlier. Those family pictures are really tough to look at.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****I KILLS me he'd risk losing his young family for a BJ (or whatever it really was) with a total stranger.****

This is what I wonder about. don't you men worry about being accused for date rape?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Multiple ONS means your spouse was kissed, touched, grabbed, held by more than one person. Now thats so risky because thats floozy and you could get and std, all the while youre doing XY and Z with your spouse....thats worse in my opinion, such little regard for cheating that you dont even put forth effort onto one person and have emotions involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> This is what I wonder about. don't you men worry about being accused for date rape?


When, my STBEH's long term affair was outed, the bunny boiler OW, lied to her husband, she swore on her four kids and her dead father that my STBEH was stalking her and the aggresssor. 

The truth was the opposite. 

She even stalked me at prior to the affair with my STBEH, and in the emails i saw she was always asking for personal information about me. 

This bunny boiler is now stalking my STBEH since her husband filed for divorce, too.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> This is what I wonder about. don't you men worry about being accused for date rape?


When, my STBEH's long term affair was outed, the bunny boiler OW, lied to her husband, she swore on her four kids and her dead father that my STBEH was stalking her and the aggresssor. 

The truth was the opposite. Then and only then did STBEH worry about a date rape charge due to her outright lies.

She even stalked me at prior to the affair with my STBEH, and in the emails i saw she was always asking for personal information about me. 

This bunny boiler is now stalking my STBEH since her husband filed for divorce, too.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> ****I KILLS me he'd risk losing his young family for a BJ (or whatever it really was) with a total stranger.****
> 
> This is what I wonder about. don't you men worry about being accused for date rape?


No kidding. He's not even sure her age, guesses 21 cause she had been in the bar! Not only that, his buddy screwed her first, then supposedly she offered him the BJ. She could have totally charged their butts. Five years later I tested positive for HPV so somewhere he screwed someone, no condom! How little he cared for me as his wife and mother of his children.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

They are both really bad. I'd leave ASAP at both situations.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Several one night stands.Perhaps I can't stomach the fact my spouse spent _years_ in an affair with someone else, while they pretended everything was normal when they got home. You'd have to be sociopath to live like that.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Several one night stands.Perhaps I can't stomach the fact my spouse spent _years_ in an affair with someone else, while they pretended everything was normal when they got home. You'd have to be sociopath to live like that.


I agree. 

The fact that my spouse could lie so convincingly and without even getting red in the face, about meeting the OW on BNO's or men's trips, just blows me away. 

He would then come home and act as if nothing happened. Hugging me and acting affectionate. 

Also the fact that he would occassionally pick a fight so he could leave the house to see her and then come back and apologize for the fight and still act as if nothing happened. 

It does fit the mindset and behaviors of a sociopath.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> I agree.
> 
> The fact that my spouse could lie so convincingly and without even getting red in the face, about meeting the OW on BNO's or men's trips, just blows me away.
> 
> ...


This is why I am very sensitive about arguments now. Since some people use petty arguments as the road to breaking up. and of ocurse petty arguments to run out of the house and not come back til the next.

Consider that an early warning signal.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

lollypip said:


> Would just like to know what people think in general...I know all cheaters are scumbags,but what would you hate more,one long term affair of a couple of years,or several one night stands with different people?
> I think i would have preferred different people,instead of maybe falling in love with somebody else and having the same sort of relationship with somebody else that they have with me,the same lines,the same look,the same 'i love you'.the same nickname,nothing would be special for just us two anymore.....what do you think????


My husband, B1, and I have had this conversation many times. I have my own theory about this, but as a former WS, I'll keep it between B1 and myself, as I think you were directing the question to betrayed spouses, only.

My reason for commenting was simply to state that if a betrayed spouse truly believes that *all* cheaters are _scumbags_, then I don't think it should matter which scenario you would "hate more." They should get a divorce and move on. *Everyone* deserves more than to spend the rest of their life with a _scumbag_ and even the scumbags, themselves, deserve more than to spend the rest of their lives being thought of as such.

I don't believe any kind of true reconciliation can occur until all "scumbag" issues can be resolved!  LOL


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> My husband, B1, and I have had this conversation many times. I have my own theory about this, but as a former WS, I'll keep it between B1 and myself, as I think you were directing the question to betrayed spouses, only.
> 
> My reason for commenting was simply to state that if a betrayed spouse truly believes that *all* cheaters are _scumbags_, then I don't think it should matter which scenario you would "hate more." They should get a divorce and move on. *Everyone* deserves more than to spend the rest of their life with a _scumbag_ and even the scumbags, themselves, deserve more than to spend the rest of their lives being thought of as such.
> 
> I don't believe any kind of true reconciliation can occur until all "scumbag" issues can be resolved!  LOL


I think maybe a true reconciliation may only be possible if the cheater realizes that cheating is a scumbag thing to do in a marriage. 

And then when they come to that realization then they need to question what led the to behave in such a scumbaggish way.

Cheating if nothing else shows a lack of integrity and a lack of trustworthiness.

Personally, I do think the best solution is to move on. 

Once trust is destroyed there really can be no real bond. 

As someone else said here, my best friend would never hurt me in such a way, so my Cheating spouse is not my best friend, obviously.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

i was the spouse with the ONS, my wife was the spouse with the LTA.
which hurts worse? 
thats subjective i reckon.
in any case, once all the little skeletons come out of the closet, i suppose you have to really sit down with one another and figure out just what. in. the. hell. happened to your marriage.
as one poster said, ONSs were for me indicative of a bad marriage and my communication skills were (obviously) horrible. the LTA for my wife was the same, and both were the fallout of neither one of us really giving a f*** what the other thought. it just got to that point.
hopefully, it is slowly reversing itself.
they both hurt.
just depends on which side of it you are on.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I got both the ONS (plural) and LTA from my spouse. So for me, they're both equally as bad.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

The difference is with one nighters, theres no feeling there and with an affair there is.

With one nighters, they'll never stop doing it. With an affair.. I think this can be fixed.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

kipani said:


> The difference is with one nighters, theres no feeling there and with an affair there is.
> 
> With one nighters, they'll never stop doing it. With an affair.. I think this can be fixed.


Maybe im the exception to that. I stopped doing it. 
Anything can be fixed i think, if both parties are equally invested in the fixing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Choose you poison


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

In my case, a one nighter for my WH turned into a month long sexting affair. I think I could've dealt with the one nighter better than the fact that he would go in the next room and share fantasies and pictures with OW when I was sitting right there over a period of weeks. 

There's no good answer. Either way it's betrayal, and it kills on so many levels.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Multiple ONS are worse without doubt. Totally disgusting people do that.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The person who has several multiple ONS shows very little respect for sexual intimacy.
In fact they are heaping scorn and contempt on the marriage contract.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well let's see here, dealing with a long-term affair right now...

Would I prefer she have a bunch of ONS guys, or the single OM...

I don't know...that would be difficult. 
Because a long-term affair would mean emotions were involved. She probably loved him, told him she loved him, bad mouthed me... 

ONS would probably be devoid of emotions. 

Either of those would hurt. No idea which would hurt more. 

I'd rather play Russian Roulette.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> The person who has several multiple ONS shows very little respect for sexual intimacy.
> In fact they are heaping scorn and contempt on the marriage contract.


A person in a ONS does not have the excuse of being in a long term affair. They have not bonded with the other person. So it is more deliberate. There are no brain chemicals clouding their judgement. Just the immediate indulgence.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

A long term affair taint every memory for the period, means a huge capacity for lying and compartimentalize, it brings all sort or fog induced side effects while dealing with cognitive dissonance almost imposible to "unlearn", makes you wonder about the fond memories issue...
On the other side NSA sex seems to bring deep issues from the wayward side to the light.


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## DaKarmaTrain! (May 17, 2012)

Agree with Entropy.

WS falling in love with someone else is bad enough...but multiple ONS...wow. That would bother me waaaaaaay worse...WS admitting she fell in love with another man vs WS admitting she just couldn't stop spreading her legs as she just couldn't resist strange c*ck...for me, way more calculating/cold/selfish.

Would seem to me a WS in a long-term affair was something they could have just fallen into 'accidentally' (been seduced) while you would have to be actively seeking multiple ONS?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

here2learn said:


> I think a LTA would be harder to deal with, as the WS would have invested emotionally in another person. With ONSs, it seems strictly physical, and perhaps a spur-of-the-moment thing (albeit several separate moments, as the OP posited).


Hands down LTA for me...............if it never hit that deep emotional level I could probably recover. If it was just "hit it and quit it" ONS on a trip or something with no contact ever again it truly was just a act.

For me that deep emotional, possible love, and sex is much worse then just sex!


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## lollypip (Sep 9, 2012)

Thankyou guys for the response.My husband of 25 years had a 2 year affair 6 years ago,with someone young enough to be our daughter. I feel that i could cope better if it had been one night stands that did not mean anything rather than actualy having feelings for somebody other than me,after all of these years together.He would actually risk losing our family and risk giving me a std for some ho.
I am not innocent,i had a one night stand soon after to try and block out any thoughts of them together,that is a feeble excuse i know,but at the time it made sense.
I deeply regret it,but he does not know i done it.
Cheating destroys lives.
maybe we deserve each other,two scumbags together


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is a big debate going with regauards to revenge affairs...even ONS.

Please stick around and read and share your experience.

Often the fresh and raw feeling of being betrayed and after the saddness and anger the betrayed believes a revenge affair will help.

IDK why but there is still an arguement about this and even though I yet to have read any good coming from a revenger affair, it would be helpful to others if you continued to hang out in this community and shared this valuable insight on revenge affairs.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lollypip said:


> Thankyou guys for the response.My husband of 25 years had a 2 year affair 6 years ago,with someone young enough to be our daughter. I feel that i could cope better if it had been one night stands that did not mean anything rather than actualy having feelings for somebody other than me,after all of these years together.He would actually risk losing our family and risk giving me a std for some ho.
> I am not innocent,i had a one night stand soon after to try and block out any thoughts of them together,that is a feeble excuse i know,but at the time it made sense.
> I deeply regret it,but he does not know i done it.
> *Cheating destroys lives.
> maybe we deserve each other,two scumbags together*


...........or maybe you both could try figure out what you really want , seek help and move forward.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Well let's see here, dealing with a long-term affair right now...
> 
> Would I prefer she have a bunch of ONS guys, or the single OM...
> 
> ...


I agree. I think they both hurt equally. 

The emotional part.....the complaining about me is the part was what made it almost impossible to reconcile. 

If he said those nasty (silly really) things, even though he now claims they were not true, he must have felt that way at the time he said them, emailing his lover while he lay in bed next to me.

I don't see that I have changed much, so I have to assume that the complaints about me will still be an issue. 

The affair was disrespectful to me and now I no longer respect my STBEH.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lollypip said:


> Thankyou guys for the response.My husband of 25 years had a 2 year affair 6 years ago,with someone young enough to be our daughter. I feel that i could cope better if it had been one night stands that did not mean anything rather than actualy having feelings for somebody other than me,after all of these years together.He would actually risk losing our family and risk giving me a std for some ho.
> I am not innocent,i had a one night stand soon after to try and block out any thoughts of them together,that is a feeble excuse i know,but at the time it made sense.
> I deeply regret it,but he does not know i done it.
> Cheating destroys lives.
> maybe we deserve each other,two scumbags together


LollyPip:

I think a one time revenge affair, particularly a one nighter is far more forgiveable than having an affair without being cheated on. 

You responded in a normal way, albeit a way hurtful to you since cheating was not in your true nature. 

It took a lot for me to resist having a revenge affair after learning of my STBEH, LTA. 

I wanted to revenge affair as a way to show my husband how much pain I felt. 

The people at TAM talked me out of it telling me I would hurt myself more.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Long term relationship would hurt more. One night stands, while not right, wouldn't bother me as much.


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