# empty...struggling



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I feel like I've hit another low point....9 weeks into separation now, very minimal communication with H at all now (he has been away with his family in his own country for 2 weeks over the holidays)......I feel like i'm just settling into feeling really bleak about the future....

Christmas and NewY were such a struggle, my friends and family are all being really nice but I just feel like there's such a massive hole inside me, I just miss him and I the same time I can't believe what he's done to us / our marriage.....I makes it hard cos I know my parents are silently relieved...they didn't think we were 'right' together.....they just want me to 'move on / get over him'.... I can't, I feel like I'm supposed to be moving on faster than I can...

It was my birthday yesterday, he didn't even send a text message...I suspect he just forgot.....that is how I feel, he just found it so easy to forget.....

Please has anyone who is further along in this got any advice on how long it takes to heal?....I know it's so individual, but I just feel each day is such a massive effort, I don't have the strength to just keep battling on one day after the next feeling like this  

I'm trying to do the stuff people say about doing nice things for myself but I find I get some ideas and then in the end I just lack the energy and motivation to follow them through


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Happy Birthday Marigold...Marigolds are beautiful flowers!!!

Been about nine weeks apart for us here...I have up days which are never really that high, and low days that seem I have to reach up to touch my toes...no rhyme or reason, just how I end up feeling. 

Wish I had a magic potion to give you to make everything better, but I don't...if I did I would have used it already myself...take care, it will get better, have faith!


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## oedriveron (Jan 5, 2011)

I'm around 6 months into this craphole called separation/divorce and honestly it feels like day one but one thing that does help me a lot is doing nice things for loved ones, family and friends. Helping those I care about reinforces the thought that this other person does not deserve my appreciation on any level.


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## want2behappy (Dec 6, 2010)

I am into week 2 of my separation and it is not going well. I am not curled up in a fetal postion, crying everday but I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I honestly dont know what to do now that I am single and everything my friends suggest I just dont have the zeal to do. I am curious about what you do to pass the time and how you have been coping. I dont want to watch tv, read, surf the internet, its too cold to walk.....I can go on and on. Seems like the only thing I want to do is just wallow in self pity and feel sorry for myself. I honestly dont even know how the time passes because I feel like I am in a perpetual fog.


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## ddindiana (May 24, 2010)

I'm sorry your going through this. I know how you feel, but keep coming to this website cos it will help you alot. The people her are great, also when my wife left me I started going to church and it did wonders for me. It will get better trust me , I still have bad days and I still cant stand to see my ex, but the good days out weigh the bad.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

It's been over 3 months for me, sometimes it seems like everything is going great between my wife and I, then it just falls apart...haven't seen her in over a week, hardly talk to her...I feel miserable...feel like she just left yesterday...

but I also know that this is the time of year when depression can hit its hardest...it's cold outside, people are getting cabin fever...your stuck in a house full of memories...we've got over 8 inches of snow on the ground in KC (quit a bit for us), temp has barely been above freezing and their calling for the highs to be single digit in the next week or so...these conditions can play on one's hearts and minds if you let it...

You've got to thnk positive, don't let the winter doldrums add to your already heavy heart..workout, walk at the malls, I don't know...but get active...I'm pretty much miserable right now, but I'm not going to let winter make it worse...I might go get a tattoo...or take my azz to a tanning saloon...drink margaritas...I don't know, but I'm going to get busy!!!


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

I am now coming into of my 4th week of being separated from my husband. It still sucks...but it is getting slowly better. I actually went out with my girlfriends from high school for the first time...and just going out with friends did a world of good for me. First time in a while that I enjoyed myself and laughed and did not think about my situation...keep your chin up....there are some wonderful people on this sight who have alot of wonderful advice. Best of luck to you.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Things are still fresh and you're now going through the withdrawal of having little or no contact with him. That's a really hard thing to go through. I'm a little more than 3 months from the day that he moved out and about 6 months from the time that things really fell apart. At first, there was contact; I would find those little ways to try to get in touch. Now, it's really only about the kids and only when truly necessary. I had a hard time with it; there was a time of day when I would literally want to jump out of my skin. It was the time that we would usually call each other to talk about the day, who was picking up what kid, what we would have for dinner, etc. That did subside. I'm not nearly through any of this and I still struggle daily, but there is that withdrawal and empty feeling you get from the no contact thing so I understand. It will get better. I'm sure that not having any sort of recognition of your birthday was awful. That ramped up the pain, but just think of this as your year of firsts. You will never have to go through the first birthday without him again. You already did it and survived. You can do this.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you for all your replies.....it's so lovely to get supportive and encouraging posts...

3 1/2 months now since my husband left. I haven't seen him at all since, he hasn't asked to and nor have I....to be honest I don't really think I could handle it - just thinking about it sends me into a melt down. 

It still seems totally unclear to me how things go from here......I've so far been avoiding the major hurdle of going back to 'our house'. When he moved out, I went to stay with some relatives nearby because I was in such a bad state.....they have been wonderful to me, but I'm staring into the abyss of having to move back to an empty house alone where we lived for 6 years.....horrible, I can't even face the thought, let alone the reality. I feel like I'm stuck, I want this hurting to stop, but it's still so painful, I miss him and when I think of him out and about, living his life without me it in, it feels so painful.....we're still married but I'm like a nobody to him

I started counseling this week, had my 1st session so it was just me explaining my situation really. I really hope it helps.....I need it to cos i'm not sure what else to do. 

All my life I wanted a lovely, big family, husband, kids etc....it feels like that has all crumbled away from me......I had to take some more time off work cos I wasn't managing well and on the verge of tears alot, doctor has started some antidepressants so I will see if that helps me to engage with the counseling.......

arrrrrggggghhhhh how long can all of this go on for??????? praying hard for things to get better and hoping that all on this site are going to feel better soon too.......

(p.s to wanttobehappy - you are only a couple of weeks into this, of course you aren't up to anything at the moment - don't be hard on yourself, you can begin to do little things as you feel able)


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

denise1218 said:


> I actually went out with my girlfriends from high school for the first time...and just going out with friends did a world of good for me. First time in a while that I enjoyed myself and laughed and did not think about my situation...


And that is the thing, trying to keep yourself busy (be it work or visiting / going out with friends) to keep your mind off the hurt / upset things going on, bloody hard to do, to get the motivation going, bloody hard


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you all for such kind and encouraging replies.....it definitely helps a lot to read here, sometimes if only to feel that I am not alone.....

a bit on an update.....now just over 3 months since separation started and haven't seen H since at all. Only some minimal telephone contact, but no lengthy conversations. I started feeling really low, tearful and sad in an overwhelming way....very difficult to see out of this mess, very difficult to see how to rebuild my life and how to survive losing him and the massive hole that leaves in me.....

I was struggling at work, I've got a v pressured job which involves dealing with clients 1 on 1....I was struggling to get through this and feeling like bursting out in tears, it was exhausting....

I saw my doctor and I've started an antidepressant (reluctantly but I need to do something) and got 2 weeks off work and I had my first counseling session last week.....it was mainly just me explaining what happened and how I feel. I'm also saying my prayers....

I so hope these things help to slowly feel better......it just feels as if I've been walking through a nightmare with no end......

I'm taking advice from this site about trying to do small, nice things and I want to thank Pandakiss for excellent comments about just finding a couple of small positive points to be thankful for and not stressing out about the 'bigger picture' which is too overwhelming still for me....this strategy is a very positive one and I am trying to do it....I would recommend to others here too.....

good luck to everyone else too and any thoughts gratefully received...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

It seems so unfair that we have to go through all this, because of the person we so desperately love.

My husband walked out on me and our children 3 months and 4 days ago, it has been such an emotional roller coaster. We still do see each other and have contact every day because of the children mainly, he moved out and hasn't wanted to come back, but I am in our 'family home' with the pictures on the walls that stare back from happier times, it is so hard.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/21234-epic-post-should-i-give-up.html - this is my story, Sometimes I wish he would just tell me it's over completely instead of me feeling so confused and mixed up  

But we will get through it, we are strong, beautiful woman, if the men in our lives walk away, then we need to make then see what they are walking away from, just what they are losing! xx


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Marigold, Therapy has helped me lots... i was going once a week and now I go every 2 or 3 weeks. Read the book "Spiritual Divorce" It was helped me tremendously too!!!!!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

*Re: empty...struggling: new thoughts and perspective*

Thank you everyone for encouraging replies.....I thought I would post some new thoughts / perspective for last couple days:

2 nights ago I got attacked in the street by 2 guys for my handbag. Nothing like that ever happened to me before and it was a really scary experience. I got bashed up and I've spent the last couple days just pretty much just in bed feeling very achy and bruised......BUT........this incident has given me a new thought to reflect on..........

This was a situation were my husband should have been there. I needed my husband when this happened to me, I needed him to be there and he wasn't. I don't even know where he lives now because he refused to tell me. This is totally SELFISH and wrong. He made promises before God and the law to be there for me no matter what. 

I can not rely on this man. He has disrespected me, been unfaithful and eventually left to pursue his own selfish life......and the revelation for me is that i DO deserve something better. Life is hard enough without your own spouse making it worse for you. Instead of caring for me, this man has renounced any responsibility. True love for someone means being there even when things are tough. I have not told him about what happened......he made it clear that it is 'his' life now. I am also angry because he selfishly took our car when we separated, despite the fact that I needed it for work, he did not, only for leisure. This has put me in the situation of walking home from a train station late at night and now being assaulted. I understand this is not directly his fault, but in my mind, the implication is that he is selfish, he puts himself first, with no qualms about the potential consequences for me.

I can't afford the luxury of 'loving' someone who is not prepared to really care for me. I want a family in the future and I need someone strong by my side, not someone who hurts me and runs away.

These are new thoughts for me and I am really hoping that something good comes out of this horrible incident.....I know that things will be difficult but I hope and pray this gives me the courage to look forward and understand that I am worth something more.

I am hoping that everyone else posting here because they are struggling after their husband or wife left begins to find strength and to understand that they do deserve kindness and consideration


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Now its just coming for 4 months since my H left me. 

All in all I have really struggled emotionally. Lots of feeling of pain, betrayal, being abandoned, uncertainty about my direction now in life. 3 weeks ago I started some counseling and antidepressants. I think the counseling is quite helpful, but I still feel very low and broken inside.

I've been trying to do what people say on this forum about working on myself and surrounding myself with good friends and family. It still feels very forced though and lots of times I just want to be alone cos I can't face anyone. I'm off work on sick leave for the past 3 weeks cos of all this.

When H left I went to stay with some relatives nearby, so as not to be alone. Yesterday I went back to the house for the first time, a very big deal for me. I took a friend for support. He left the house in a mess - lots of 'stuff' just lying around. It looked very cold and empty. It felt so disrespectful. I got really tearful, it was very hard. I couldnt face the bedrooms just yet but I know I will have to.

Strange thing is, when ever I have to talk to H on phone about a practical matter, he behaves quite 'normal' / even vaguely friendly. What hurts the most is that he had an affair before,which he never really told me the full truth about, and now I'm pretty sure that he is with someone else - lots of secrets, wont tell me where he lives and other stuff.

why why why?????? How can someone treat someone so totally cruelly? I tried so hard to make our marriage work, I so wanted that.....I just feel so let down and hurt and I want to feel better, i'm exhausted with so many emotions  when does this get better??????


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Just hitting a low today big time.....feel like i've been left with nothing......

no car - H took it
no phone since it was stolen
not living at home - feel like I'm an itinerant
not working - got signed off since started on antidepressants
can't wash my hair at the moment cos of stitches on scalp since got assaulted so look even more of a wreck

I keep trying to focus on the 'positives' but its just so hard. Some days everything just looks black and 4 months on I feel like i haven't made any head way. I feel so stuck and I haven't found the strength yet to 'move forward'. Everything scares me. I've no idea how or when I will ever get myself back on track.....


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