# Does being a wife mean I should...



## Clare_Bear (Dec 31, 2011)

I posted in this thread, because I would like advice from someone who has experience with marriage. I am trying to figure out if a woman should consciously change her attitude and personality to act more wife life, or if she should just keep being herself.
-Clare


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## some_guy (Dec 29, 2011)

What do you mean by "wife like"? I vote for keep being yourself. That's probably why he married you.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Be yourself... That's who he married! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clare_Bear (Dec 31, 2011)

Thanks everyone, you are both right. I guess I just felt like I should suddenly get more romantic, affectionate, spend more time together, and generally just try to act more sophisticated. You both helped me just relax, and let it go. Clare :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Clare_Bear said:


> Thanks everyone, you are both right. I guess I just felt like I should suddenly get more romantic, affectionate, spend more time together, and generally just try to act more sophisticated. You both helped me just relax, and let it go. Clare :smthumbup::smthumbup:


you should continue to be you.
if doing these things are things you want to do and you enjoy them i dont see why you couldnt do them and still be the core person you have been.
as far as the trying to act more sophisticated part, if you fake that i think it will show and i dont see any reason for that if you havent been like that in the past. i think that part would bug me but as for the rest, dont see how that could hurt.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Well, you should spend more time together.
Marriage thrives on time spent together.
And 
be more affectionate, physical.

Seriously, how does doing those two things stop you from being who you are?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Clare_Bear said:


> Thanks everyone, you are both right. I guess I just felt like I should suddenly get more romantic, affectionate, spend more time together, and generally just try to act more sophisticated. You both helped me just relax, and let it go. Clare :smthumbup::smthumbup:


Yes, sort of.

The more time and energy and passion you put into your husband and marriage, the better it will grow to be.

Same goes for him too.

A lot of people stop dating each other when they get married. Especially after they have kids. That neglect hurts the marriage. 

So even after being married, treat the other person every day like you value them, respect them, and are out to win them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Be yourself, but be his wife too.

What are his needs from a wife? Ask him that and try to meet them. Tell him your needs from a husband...hopefully he wants to meet them.

You are still you, you're just adding another hat to your wardrobe.


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## HB2428 (Dec 31, 2011)

Please, just be yourself. That is why he married you, to have a life with you, not just to have a wife. Trust me on this, I changed after I married my husband. I felt lost and like I was suppose to know how to be a wife but I did not. I lost a lot of myself in doing it to. Talk to you husband, you two need to figure out how you want to be as a married couple. Talk about how you want to live your life together, who will do what chores, finances, etc. You get to build a wonderful life together, just don't feel you ever need to change yourself.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Clare_Bear said:


> Thanks everyone, you are both right. I guess I just felt like I should suddenly get more romantic, affectionate, spend more time together, and generally just try to act more sophisticated. You both helped me just relax, and let it go. Clare :smthumbup::smthumbup:


Talk to your husband and see what he thinks. Good communication is key.

Have you read the book "The Five Love Languages"? I read it recently and it's a wonderful book which explains people speak different love languages. For some people, doing romantic things and showing affection are how they perceive love. For others, it might be doing acts of service like the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking a good meal. For some it might be words of affirmation like "I love you", "You're beautiful." See my point. So if you have one partner who does acts of service around the house and the other one's love language is words of affirmation, each one might think the other one isn't in love with them. They might as well be speaking two foreign languages to each other. That's why I say speak to your husband. If your husband's love language is affection and quality time then it's important to speak that language to him. Without it, he might feel like he's not loved. You have to show him love in his particular love language.

Finally, being romantic, spending time together and being affectionate won't hurt any marriage. Those things help a marriage. Couples should spend time together each week doing things they like to do together. Couples should be affectionate and romantic. That stuff isn't only for when you're courting someone. Doing these things doesn't end my independence or who I am as a woman.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I cant disagree more about the 'acting more wife-like' concept. Yuck.

I mean - I think I understand you - surely marriage means you are operating as a team now, but I have to say - the single biggest thing I admire most about my wife - the thing that makes me respect her as a person is that she IS her own person. 

To me - marriage isnt about receiving 'service', it is about 2 people growing together... and through that process - both becoming better, where the sum is greater than the addition of the parts. 

'constantly change her attitude and personality...'? He11 No! Of course, that does not preculde you from, lets say, the zillion little favors and small nicities you may find yourself doing because you want to, and he too.. but lets not confuse that with self inflicted personality changes to become 'wife like' whatever the heck THAT means.

Unless of course, you are a miserable, selfish, small minded person. Then - feel free to change all you like. ;-)


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Clare Bear

If your definition of "wife like" is be like Leave it to Beavers Mom, I would say no.

If the "wife" is all about her and not about the marriage then you have a problem.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Clare_Bear said:


> I posted in this thread, because I would like advice from someone who has experience with marriage. I am trying to figure out if a woman should consciously change her attitude and personality to act more wife life, or if she should just keep being herself.
> -Clare


I suggest you guys do His Needs her Needs together if you have not already. Do the boundary setting as well.

Being yourself is important but there is a difference in acting single and acting married as it relates to others. Just throwing that in.

Keep dating each other.


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## clydeM (Jul 16, 2012)

I agree with the majority, don't change, be the person he married. As the two of you grow together enough opportunities will present themselves and both of you can decide which road to take. 
You may be in a position to improve your social status or consider volunteering , but make that decision as a couple. 
The people I admire the most are genuine, the phonies all seem to flock together. Don't change your attitude or personality be true to who you are.
My wife and I have married for 51 years, with many changes but we changed as a team - we are still genuine, sincere and more fun loving than our shy pasts divulge.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

OP hasn't been back in over 6 months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Great answers. Personally, I am kind of sloppy and sometimes leave clothes or dishes around. I had been working on doing a better job but you people help me realize- I shouldn't have to change, and shouldn't try to make myself something I am not to meet her expectation of what a man should be or do. 

I am happier already, and quite frankly it's a lot easier to just leave the dishes out, and socks and other clothes downstairs than try to start picking them up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A person should not fundamentally change who they are. But marriage does have some responsibilities as Bobby points out.

I would think that spending more time together is part of being married. Should probably be a big reason why you got married.

And being more loving and affectionate. .. yes.

Often it does the other way... people spend less time together, the affection on love slows down and the marriage falls apart.


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## Itsok123 (Aug 11, 2012)

Your question made me mad at first. but then I realized I had gone through something similar when I had my kids 16 years ago. It surprised me that after years of making a point about being different, I now found myself really afraid of being judged as a BAD mother. After trying to dress for 2 years in boring "normal" clothes I realized the creative soul I loved being was fading into nonexistence. During these difficult times of reconnecting to the real me but as a mum it became very apparent that the man I married ... The father of my kids , was far from the self reflecting soul and deep thinker he had led me to believe. This is where I say to you definitely most importantly be yourself because when the facade fell away that I had been lured into marriage with I felt totally betrayed. I understand that we want to show others important to us our best traits but finding my hubbie to be a playstation freak and not at all the soul searching father and partner he led me to believe gave me the keys to the door I was relieved to walk out of.


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## SamWiseG (Aug 15, 2012)

I've just stumbled upon this forum and hooked! It's great to hear that other people are in the same position and theres so much support here. I was in another wedding forum where there was a lots of brides-to-be and those who had just got married. If you wonna have a look: Wedding Forum | UKbride

Fingers crossed I will be talking to you all a lot quite soon.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Not quite sure what "wife like" means to you. Yes your life will change and a marriage forces us to grow (some refuse to do so though). I just bought a girlfriend a casserole dish set for her wedding...I used to go out with her to bars in college, stay out all night..all of that stuff you do in college. Back then I would have never thought I'd be buying her a casserole dish set lmao. In that moment I thought that was a wife-like thing.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> Great answers. Personally, I am kind of sloppy and sometimes leave clothes or dishes around. I had been working on doing a better job but you people help me realize- I shouldn't have to change, and shouldn't try to make myself something I am not to meet her expectation of what a man should be or do.
> 
> I am happier already, and quite frankly it's a lot easier to just leave the dishes out, and socks and other clothes downstairs than try to start picking them up.


:rofl: C-L-A-S-S-I-C


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

While I think there is much to be said for not changing who you are I would express caution at the connotation this idea of not changing and being oneself implies. I strongly think this selfish notion of well, self, me-ism and identity stuff has gone waaay out of what is helpful in relationships. Everyone wants to 'be themselves' which is great if we are all saints. "But this is not who I am" blah blah blah

A traumatic thing about marriage is that all our virtues and vices are on display. We are naked in more ways than the obvious. Who we are or who we thought we are which we always thought was great suddenly becomes an obstacle to a happy home. We suddenly start to see how who we are which was great single or elsewhere can wreak so much upheaval in our homes. To then focus so much on clinging to a social construction of ourselves which nobody really gets to live with until we get married is in my view dangerous. 

If the happiness of my spouse is important to me, my first objective will be to make her happy - identity or no identity. Forget yourself and get to work. Some go into or are in a marriage with both legs and one arm in, but the other arm is constantly feeling for the 'just in case' escape door. This escape door could be an ex, an addiction, identity, relatives etc. You will always be holding something back..not so sure that is a marriage in my opinion.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Itsok123 said:


> Your question made me mad at first. but then I realized I had gone through something similar when I had my kids 16 years ago. It surprised me that after years of making a point about being different, I now found myself really afraid of being judged as a BAD mother. After trying to dress for 2 years in boring "normal" clothes I realized the creative soul I loved being was fading into nonexistence. During these difficult times of reconnecting to the real me but as a mum it became very apparent that the man I married ... The father of my kids , was far from the self reflecting soul and deep thinker he had led me to believe. This is where I say to you definitely most importantly be yourself because when the facade fell away that I had been lured into marriage with I felt totally betrayed. I understand that we want to show others important to us our best traits but finding my hubbie to be a playstation freak and not at all the soul searching father and partner he led me to believe gave me the keys to the door I was relieved to walk out of.


.... FAIL... the partner that he led yo to believe he was? 
You led yourself to believe most likely. I highly doubt he "lured" you. You were not betrayed. Did you discuss that you want to grow as a person and wanted him to join you in his own personal growth? Did you do it in a way that wasn't complaining about his faults? Did you ask to goto marriage counselling? Do you really think he would have truly not accepted a warddrobe change? Or a slight change in lifestyle to accomodate your passions? 

Yes's for these questions didn't seem likely based on the what you wrote. Be honest, you got bored of your life and bored with him. The blame is not all on him for THAT. I'd say you betrayed him by giving him a false sense of what you wanted and false sense of security in your future together and then ditching him when you realized your own lie to him and yourself. Thats my guess.


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## preets (Aug 29, 2012)

Being a wife does not mean that one should change her attitude and or entire personality. But, yes ofcourse life do get change after marriage, you become more responsible towards life and relationship. Never loose your identity because we get life only once.
Preeti


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Don't address this in general terms. If there are certain things you feel you should now do, deal with them case-by-case in specific terms. 

If you change because you feel like he wants you to, you'll probably end up resenting him for it. From personal experience, my wife did just that and some of the things she changed were things I loved about her.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Wow...this is an interesting debate and I think a lot of people are missing some key details.

You need to look at what makes you..You
1. Your behaviors
2. Your values
3. Your wants vs. needs in life
4. Your belief system
5. Your morals
6. Your desires
7. Your hobbies
8. Your thoughts

These all make up who "You are". You ask should you change who "you are" in a marriage. The short answer is YES. You're going to need to change things about yourself to make a life time relationship work. Over the years, you're going to change yourself simply because your life changes (20 vs 60 for instance). So you can't say "be yourself" when "yourself" is always changing over time.

Should you dress like a floozy because you get a thrill from it...No. Is that "not being true to yourself"? No, that's changing a behavior out of respect for someone who is ALSO changing themselves to suit you and make the relationship work.

SHould you demean yourself, should you go against your morals and values...DEFINITELY not. I'm not saying someone should accept their spouse cheating, but to just make a blanket statement. "Be true to yourself" is too generalized and frankly dangerous in many ways. You should always be honest about yourself with your spouse and not change who you are inside, but it doesnt mean you shouldn't change "behaviors".

I may not be feeling romantic, but if my wife is noticeably down and not feeling connection with us, I'm going to do something romantic. Am I "not being true to myself" in order to be more "husbandly"? You can't even answer the question because doing one doesn't dictate that you must in turn give up the other.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Be yourself! Always. Don't change for anyone


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Clare_Bear said:


> I posted in this thread, because I would like advice from someone who has experience with marriage. I am trying to figure out if a woman should consciously change her attitude and personality to act more wife life, or if she should just keep being herself.
> -Clare


I don't believe one can change their inborn temperment so much... but with marraige comes adding another to our lives - "the 2 shall become one".....

I think I was born to be tied to another....everything it entails is something I personally







- I have always thrived on the togetherness...so enjoy having a partner to share everything with....I haven't really changed much over the years ...

But to strive to BE the best YOU - you can be...Now that is the plan.... Otherwise it is a form of "stuffing" to appease ....which will eventually cause unhappiness within. 

Because it is no longer just ourselves...We should always be there to: listen, comfort, posses a spirit of giving, forgiving when necessary, helping, showing affection, plan together, laugh together, validate...and sexual intimacy... the culmination of all , never let this slip.....and in all things...learn our spouses *Love Languages* & strive to dance to the beat of those....because we know it will make him happpy - which will in turn = a closer marital harmony....and hopefully he will strive to meet yours.










http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

This is MY idea of the ideal marraige...our roles as women... (Compliments of ThreeTimesALady ) >>> 



> *Sex is* desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for.* Sex is *having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. *Sex is* waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. *Sex is* finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. *Sex is* turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. *Love is *being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. *Love is* having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. *Love is* being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. *Love is* being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. *Love is *being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you .* Love is* the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. *Love is* being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

If you husband has comunicated that he would like a little effort on a few things then sure change would be good. but you should also comunicate the changes in him that would make you feel better about your marriage.




seems easy enough ......LOL


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## Nomads (Oct 13, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Coffee Amore said:


> Talk to your husband and see what he thinks. Good communication is key.
> 
> Have you read the book "The Five Love Languages"? I read it recently and it's a wonderful book which explains people speak different love languages. For some people, doing romantic things and showing affection are how they perceive love. For others, it might be doing acts of service like the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking a good meal. For some it might be words of affirmation like "I love you", "You're beautiful." See my point. So if you have one partner who does acts of service around the house and the other one's love language is words of affirmation, each one might think the other one isn't in love with them. They might as well be speaking two foreign languages to each other. That's why I say speak to your husband. If your husband's love language is affection and quality time then it's important to speak that language to him. Without it, he might feel like he's not loved. You have to show him love in his particular love language.
> 
> Finally, being romantic, spending time together and being affectionate won't hurt any marriage. Those things help a marriage. Couples should spend time together each week doing things they like to do together. Couples should be affectionate and romantic. That stuff isn't only for when you're courting someone. Doing these things doesn't end my independence or who I am as a woman.


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