# Ends justify the means?



## tagg (Jun 25, 2012)

If you had to do something immoral to find out if there was a problem in your marraige would it be justifiable? Even though it would be a horrible thing to do, I have seriously justifiable suspicions about what goes on in my bed while I'm in the shower.I would normally not consider it but I have to know what is behind the complete disinterest in our sex lives.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

SO masturbating?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I can already tell you that your wife does have sexual desires even if she pretends to you that she does not.


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## tagg (Jun 25, 2012)

Yes masturbating, she doesnt realize I know but she keeps a rather large toy in a bed underdrawer, and its obvious its being used.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Tagg -- Sit down and talk to your wife. I just read your other thread and you are still in limbo. I haven't read one post from you where you have communicated to your wife what you have stated here on TAM or whatyou are feeling. 18 years of marriage -- how did you communicate before ??


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## tagg (Jun 25, 2012)

We used to talk about sex but that has stopped.When I try to bring it up there are allways platitudes and reassurances, but in a week or so its back to the same old thing.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tagg said:


> We used to talk about sex but that has stopped.When I try to bring it up there are allways platitudes and reassurances, but in a week or so its back to the same old thing.


:scratchhead:

Then maybe the problem [ with her ] is not sex ,because obviously she is pleasuring herself. The problem lies elsewhere.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Tagg -- then tell her what you just wrote here. We are good for a week -- and then we fall back into a rut. Maybe take her away for a vacation -- or a long weekend -- make it romantic and make her feel speical. WE tend to take one another for granted the longer we are married -- so make that extra effort by doing this -- and also try to make that extra efort every day by showing her how much you love her -- and at the moment really miss her !!


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## tagg (Jun 25, 2012)

Appreciate the thoughts guys, its worth the effort. And I dont want anyone to get the wrong idea I'm not trying to put the blame on her. Shes the best thing in my life


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

tagg said:


> Appreciate the thoughts guys, its worth the effort. And I dont want anyone to get the wrong idea I'm not trying to put the blame on her. Shes the best thing in my life


Understand -- you just have to work this out as the "team" you have been for at least the past 18 years. Just be patient -- and keep those lines of communication open -- always.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, just as I would remind a woman on here that there is nothing wrong with her husband masturbating, I'll remind you that there is nothing wrong with your wife masturbating.

Now, if she is doing that in lieu of having sex with you, then yes, a frank conversation is called for.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Just leave something in the bedroom to invent an excuse to come out of the shower. If you catch her, well there you are...you're naked and she's got her legs spread.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wait until you turn the shower on then quietly go back to the bedroom and catch he in the act.

but don't act mad just say let me give you a hand with that!!! 

then let her catch you masterbating to some porn and ask her to give you a hand.


then say let make a deal that we give eachother the right of first refusal if I turn you down then go masterbate but if I willing then you must come to me first and I will do the same.


you might want to ask if she orgasms when you guys have sex maybe your not rocking her world like you thought. if thats the case then don't get down use it to open the line of comunication and explore what you guy like together make it fun and stress free the way sex is supost to be open to eachother likes and dislikes.


good luck.


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## tagg (Jun 25, 2012)

Thats part of the problem if I admit I know then I all but admit I've basically spied on her. I know that wasnt right but I'm desperate, plus to be honest a little scared about what she might say. Anyway maybe I just needed somewhere to whine.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

tagg said:


> Thats part of the problem if I admit I know then I all but admit I've basically spied on her. I know that wasnt right but I'm desperate, plus to be honest a little scared about what she might say. Anyway maybe I just needed somewhere to whine.


Like I said, make up an excuse to come out of the shower into the bedroom and catch her. Leave your toothbrush out there or something.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

when i was married i used to masturbate all the time.exH wasn't lacking any lovin i just preferred to have my orgasms alone.it was very private for me. 
had he started spying on me or trying to "catch" me in the act I would have been humiliated,hurt,and REALLY ANGRY. 

however,if he wanted to talk openly and reasonably about it I would have been fully open to talking about any issues my mastubratory habits caused.

Like everyone else said...TALK TO HER.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why catch her at something you already know she is doing?
You should work to become more attractive than her vibrator.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Then maybe the problem [ with her ] is not sex ,because obviously she is pleasuring herself. The problem lies elsewhere.


She sounds lazy. She has the big toy to get herself off, does not have to worry about the OP's sexual relief. Heck, if it is electric, then she does not even have to do much but lie there.

Very similar to the guy who ignores a willing wife yet MBs and does porn.


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## dahling (Sep 26, 2011)

I would do something others may consider immoral however I wouldn't do something I consider immoral. It's not justifiable to me as such justifications seem to be an excuse and rationalization of poor behavior.

Perhaps try asking your partner why they don't want to have sex with you as likely what you find isn't the sole or main reason behind the complete disinterest in the sex life. I say likely as in my experiences often times when a gal gets a vibrator she's less interest in sex with her partner as the vibrator is guaranteed physical pleasure and more pleasure.


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## dahling (Sep 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Why catch her at something you already know she is doing?
> *You should work to become more attractive than her vibrator.*


Probably best suited to ask her why her vibrator is more attractive and what he can do to be attractive in general and more attractive than the vibrator.


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