# When did you touch your spouse again?



## LeslieH

I'm going through R with my husband. I cheated while on a business trip. It was basically a ONS with NC being established immediately. We are both seeing IC and looking into MC now. I told him about 3 months ago. I was kicked out for about 6 weeks, now we're living together, but I initiate all touch. He doesn't push me away and has started to reciprocate, but we don't kiss. I can give him a peck, but that's about it. We clearly don't have sex.

I am feeling very sad and attention starved. I know it's a long road ahead and I have to give him his space, but one of our main issues was that we weren't having enough sex. I'm not getting that now and it's driving me crazy. I though about OM today for the first time in over a month. Not proud of it, but feeling very low right now.

Yes, yes it's all what I deserve, but any advice would be helpful!


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## Rawrdonstein

He will touch you when he is ready IF he chooses. Don't push him. Remember you hurt him to his core. If you want to stay with him then you'll be patient. There is no set time for anyone to adjust to what he has going on in his head. Everyone is different.


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## synthetic

> I am feeling very sad and attention starved.


Fortunately your pain is still nothing compared to his. Take comfort in that.


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## Coffee Amore

LeslieH said:


> I'm going through R with my husband. I cheated while on a business trip. It was basically a ONS with NC being established immediately. We are both seeing IC and looking into MC now. I told him about 3 months ago. I was kicked out for about 6 weeks, now we're living together, but I initiate all touch. He doesn't push me away and has started to reciprocate, but we don't kiss. I can give him a peck, but that's about it. We clearly don't have sex.
> 
> I am feeling very sad and attention starved. I know it's a long road ahead and I have to give him his space, but one of our main issues was that we weren't having enough sex. I'm not getting that now and it's driving me crazy. I though about OM today for the first time in over a month. Not proud of it, but feeling very low right now.
> 
> Yes, yes it's all what I deserve, but any advice would be helpful!


Your husband needs to heal first from the enormous damage you've done to his trust, ego, love, memories, sense of self. Think of it this way. He's in the ER right now figuratively speaking with a huge wound you've given him. When you talk about fixing your love life (the frequency), you're talking about physical therapy. Physical therapy comes long after the wound has been healed.

You're still much too focused on yourself. Your sense of entitlement is high. Your sense of entitlement is what got you into this mess in the first place. 

Step back from yourself and look at it from his point of view. No wayward spouse can ever really understand what a betrayed spouse goes through, but try. Your poor husband is only three months out from hearing one of the most devastating things a person can hear. It's almost like you're impatient with him and you want him to hurry up with his healing. You realize how selfish that is? You should be grateful he's even giving a second chance and hasn't served you with divorce papers. Please don't give him even a whiff of ""how can we fix you so that I won't cheat again."

Just work on being a good spouse to him. You need to make him see that he wasn't wrong to give you a second chance. Smile, be kind, if you say you're going to do something then do it, if you say you're going to be somewhere don't show up late, tell him where you're going to be, don't complain, apologize for what you did until your tongue is sore, try to avoid triggering him. Just keep doing that until he heals. Then when he's better (that could take a LONG time), think months or years, you can work on the pre-marriage problems.


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## EDCIJB

I finally kissed my wife on father's day. She and my son wished me a happy father's day and it felt good to have some loving attention for a change. It had been 2 months since I had last kissed her. We haven't had sex in 4 months, our longest time ever without. The hurt she has put on me is hard to just let go. The last time we had sex I ended up feeling just used not knowing she was off her birth control.


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## lostwithin

I was in your shoes. I strayed and I made the decision to become a better person/husband/father for it.

You have to be patient. Some aspects of your marriage will repair faster than others. It took three years for her to forgive some parts of what happened. But you are his timetable now and you have to be ok with that. If not, then you're falling into the selfish routines that created the problems to begin with. 

MC was extremely productive because you have to be able to HEAR what the concerns are from him with an unbiased view to help.

Good luck to you.


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## This is me

I never cheated and actually she likely had an EA which helped her detach emotionally. Under her MLC she moved out for 4 months and then returned. It took MC and another 2 months before she treated our marriage like a real marriage.

Patience is most important and understand it could be much much longer. Do not pressure if you want it to repair.


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## anonymouskitty

Keep persevering, I also recommend writing a sincere apology letter.
It will work wonders trust me. And you need to continue showing him your love through your actions as words are more often than not just that.


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