# Like living in the show Malcolm in the middle



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hi, 

My son is six and he is super loving, intelligent, handsome, and sweet. I love him more than life itself and would want nothing better then to nurture him and show him how to be a good man someday. If any of you have ever seen the show Malcolm in the middle than maybe you can understand my problem, 

My son is very smart for his age, but he has become quite the smart mouth when getting in trouble with me or dad. More with me than dad. I feel like Lois the mom from the show. I am always yelling at him because talking to him doesn't seem to even enter his ear canal. 

I spoke to the dr. He doesn't have ADD. Before I take him to. Therapist I am pretty sure this has something to do with my lack of something. Maybe I'm just blaming myself out of guilt. But lately I have to scream at him to get him to do what I ask. When I ask him to do me a favor he refuses with some kind of smart mouth reply like not now or I can't or whatever. 

When I was growing up, there was non of that. I couldn't even look at my mom the wrong way, I respected my elders and did as I was told. I rebelled at 15 with the hormones but that was about it. Why is it becoming harder to deal with him? 

Example of an issue i have with him: son, please clean up your room? His reply, but kk (his 2yr old sis) did it..... I say pick up your mess..... He says but but but.....and it goes on until I finally blow up and scream until it is done. He's crying I'm upset feeling guilty and my son confidence and shoulders are slumped to the floor. 

His self esteem is on the floor and I have never told him any negative comments about himself. I tell him everyday he is wonderful and I love him, but I see sadness in his eyes and it is so hard to get him to do things when he is told. Dinner is a battle, clean up is a battle, bath, etc a battle. He's talking back and I'm fed up.... What do I do?????? How can I help him understand he must listen, focus, do as he is told, and not questions authority or my requests...?

Thank you,


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Try doing the work along with your child at first, i.e. pick up toys together and offer some positive words when he does what you expect. 

If he refuses then the next time he asks you for something remind him and ignore him and tell him. He has to make the connection.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I went through this with all 3 of my kids. It's called asserting their need to be separate from you. It's a power struggle. I know I can't make my kids do anything but I can persuade them. It's like having to learn to be a good leader.

My methods aren't popular so I'm hesitant to describe what I do.

A hint I didn't make my kids clean much when they were little. I focused my energy on building the relationship.

Screaming at them wasn't helping either of us so I stopped putting myself in those situations where I yelled.

Instead I picked my battles and I strategized depending on age and the battle.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

HMy son is soon to be five and going thru the same thing. I do lose my patience sometimes with him. I am no parenting expert. I figure it out in a minute by minute fashion. 

I do know that its important to me that we have a positive and uplifting environment in our home because I grew up with the opposite and it was awful. 

I dont always win the battle. I try to praise praise praise and thank him when he does something good. During non heated times, like just driving in the car or sitting together somewhere I start discussions with him about how our actions make other people feel. Trying to teach him that he can make his own decisions but there are consequences to being mean and being kind. I try to keep it light and on his level. He is not as in tune to how other people feel as his sister is - I guess that might be a fundamental difference between boys and girls. I dont know. But I just want him to pay attention and feel empathy. It works a little. 

I do allow him to make his own decisions as much as possible so he feels like he has some control. But he has to be respectful of other people and his things. He knows that all toys are picked up and put away before bed. If he chooses not to pick up his toys after I remind him a few times, I will put them away and he wont get them back for a few days. Again the emphasis isnt on "because I told you so" its focused on - if you leave it out we might lose pieces, what if someone steps on it and hurts themselves, it could get broken and we wouldnt be able to play with it again. 

It doesnt always work but I am trying to be patient.

One other thing - if I do lose my patience and yell, I always calmly apologize to him soon after and explain that I got frustrated but that I shouldnt have yelled. I ask him to give me suggestions of how I could have better handled myself. Usually he will say - just ask me once to do it, dont yell at me. I will say - you are right, i shouldnt have yelled at you. But I will remind him that when I asked him nicely he didnt respond to me and he ignored me which made me feel upset and frustrated. So I will ask him, what should I do so that you listen to me the first time I talk? And he will usually just shrug and I see something clicked in his mind for a second.


----------



## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

You said you talked to "the doctor." What kind of doctor? If it was his pediatrician, they have no business giving a diagnoses concerning mental health, i.e. ADHD. He needs to be seen by a behavioral health specialist catering to children. Even then, a proper diagnoses cannot be given or refuted until there is an "investigative" procedure. That doc (should) give you, your H, your son's teacher, and any other adults that are in close proximity/relationship with your son a separate questionnaire to be filled out confidentially. They should then collaborate all the data that is collected and meet with your child to talk to them as well. 
Also, check out a program called "Love and Logic." You can find some literature online to work through on your own but I would suggest looking for a program locally that teaches it. You may not agree with all of their ideas/strategies (I certainly don't!) but they definitely have multiple strategies aimed at parenting that are amazing! Good luck to you!


It took many many years before my oldest son was diagnosed ODD. That stands for oppositional defiant disorder. Not many people have heard of it, but it's real. He is not a "bad" child by any means but the name says it all.


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

MyHappyPlace said:


> You said you talked to "the doctor." What kind of doctor? If it was his pediatrician, they have no business giving a diagnoses concerning mental health, i.e. ADHD. He needs to be seen by a behavioral health specialist catering to children. Even then, a proper diagnoses cannot be given or refuted until there is an "investigative" procedure. That doc (should) give you, your H, your son's teacher, and any other adults that are in close proximity/relationship with your son a separate questionnaire to be filled out confidentially. They should then collaborate all the data that is collected and meet with your child to talk to them as well.
> Also, check out a program called "Love and Logic." You can find some literature online to work through on your own but I would suggest looking for a program locally that teaches it. You may not agree with all of their ideas/strategies (I certainly don't!) but they definitely have multiple strategies aimed at parenting that are amazing! Good luck to you!
> 
> 
> It took many many years before my oldest son was diagnosed ODD. That stands for oppositional defiant disorder. Not many people have heard of it, but it's real. He is not a "bad" child by any means but the name says it all.


I'm a social work major already in field and by no means a know t all, which is why I went to pediatrician. She didn't dismiss it bu gave me some tips and things to look out for before we start the whole screening process.... Thank you for your ideas I will be on it tomorrow and looking into all possibilities, I really love him. I grew up with a single mom who yelled a lot and hit me too, but I know her struggle and have never hated her for it....except maybe in the teen years lol, but by then it was more yelling and control. Anyways I just want to avoid those issues period! Thank you thank you thank you all!


----------

