# What should I do please ?



## 92driver (Oct 13, 2014)

Hello all here is my story !
Married 17years two D on 16 one 14 wife beautiful 47 not very sure of herself say home mom me 49 good job no financial problems happy marriage according to her perfect intimacy the last two years stress due to building a home arguments nothing bad I always go and make up can't be mad at her for long. Her Dad dies can never really get over it, my daughter very beautiful sometimes difficult has issues in school my wife can't handle that either gets depression. I come home from work in June she tells me I am in love with another guy and I love you too, can't stop the affair to exciting and new, I love you too need time to decide. Now four months later, she lives with him right now but has not moved out of our house has almost no contact with the kids and with me, she looks like she aged 15 years and my oldest daughter told me she is definitely not happy. One of her main problems with me was that I am too critical and not a social butterfly like her I like to stay home with my kids but I am not boring according to my daughters there is nothing wrong with me. This guys according to a personalty profile I found online is critical, can't take criticism is controlling overbearing personalty, rigid and so on, I still pay for everything this guy is very money wise ( she even needs to pay for her groceries) he is not married and single for the past seven years .
My wife told me she did this because she wanted to know if she is still attractive and desirable. My daughters asked me to give her some time. I don't know anymore what to do, please no just dump her or divorce her posts, I just need some advise please, thank you.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

92driver said:


> Hello all here is my story !
> Married 17years two D on 16 one 14 wife beautiful 47 not very sure of herself say home mom me 49 good job no financial problems happy marriage according to her perfect intimacy the last two years stress due to building a home arguments nothing bad I always go and make up can't be mad at her for long. Her Dad dies can never really get over it, my daughter very beautiful sometimes difficult has issues in school my wife can't handle that either gets depression. I come home from work in June she tells me I am in love with another guy and I love you too, can't stop the affair to exciting and new, I love you too need time to decide. Now four months later, she lives with him right now but has not moved out of our house has almost no contact with the kids and with me, she looks like she aged 15 years and my oldest daughter told me she is definitely not happy. One of her main problems with me was that I am too critical and not a social butterfly like her I like to stay home with my kids but I am not boring according to my daughters there is nothing wrong with me. This guys according to a personalty profile I found online is critical, can't take criticism is controlling overbearing personalty, rigid and so on, I still pay for everything this guy is very money wise ( she even needs to pay for her groceries) he is not married and single for the past seven years .
> My wife told me she did this because she wanted to know if she is still attractive and desirable. My daughters asked me to give her some time. I don't know anymore what to do, please no just dump her or divorce her posts, I just need some advise please, thank you.


Her affair sounds like 'in your face' to me.

I take issue with your daughters' suggestion to give her time 
Why does she get a free crack at the affair apple while you sit at home and suffer due to her infidelity ?

I know you don't want any 'divorce her' posts and you will get some but why are you going into this limiting your options ? Divorce or at least the threat of it is a powerful tool. 

It sounds as if you want to either 'nice her back' or whatever but she basically took your world, flushed it down the toilet (along with her kids), has no regard for you (and has the nerve to say she loves you too - really ????? If that is love, I want none of it)

File for divorce (because you file doesn't mean you have to follow through), put her belongings in storage so you can rid yourself of consistent thoughts of her while she's away screwing another guy. If this doesn't get her attention, then you know it's over. 

For me, it would be over already


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

92driver said:


> I come home from work in June she tells me I am in love with another guy and I love you too, can't stop the affair to exciting and new, I love you too need time to decide. Now four months later, she lives with him right now but has not moved out of our house has almost no contact with the kids and with me


 She is living with another man and does not care that you know it. In all the threads that I have read over the years on infidelity forums, your wife is one of the worst most unremorseful cheaters that I have ever heard of. She is cheating in your face. Please understand that the marriage that you knew is now gone forever. Now that she has done this in such a disrespectful way to you, she would not respect you if you take her back, and she cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. At this point, the odds are very small that you can save your marriage long term even if she does come back. You need to file for divorce yesterday and not look back. You need to not take her back. Perhaps if she begs and makes the effort you can consider calling off the divorce at the last minute, but that should not be the plan. The woman that you were in love with is gone. Time to find a new wife.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

You don't want "dump her" advice...well from your post it sounds like she has already dumped you. She lives with the other guy, correct? Sounds like she has made her choice.

And if I understand you correctly, you are paying for everything financially? So does that mean you are giving this other guy her half of the rent and bills and her food money? You are paying her to live with this other guy...I must be misunderstanding this, that can't be right, is it?

Meantime you are home with your children, yours and hers and you are doing the work there too? Hmmm...what are you getting out of this relationship, and really it's not a relationship if she lives elsewhere and you are paying for her lifestyle.

my only advice is to quit supporting her unless she chooses you. Good luck with that.


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## FromEurope (Jun 29, 2014)

PLEASE .... somebody tell me this is not for real!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

why waste our time if you don't want her back?
An you must NOT want her back if you are not going to do as advised.
Again, why waste our time.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Driver:

The example are you setting for your daughters can go two ways: 

A)	You as a father who rose above his own ego and made sacrifices for the family, as a noble man who forgave his wife’s indiscretion and disrespect and did not forsake her even under extreme provocation, a wise man who did not seek revenge against a man who stole his wife away from him and made her his mistress… …

Or

B)	You as a man who his wife relegated to the sloppy seconds zone (presumably not even that, by your account), who is disrespected and humiliated by his wife and some other man in his own home and family, who is now a wittol and emotional subjugate, and is ready to live this parody of a married life, and wait for his wife to choose him again… …

Even if you might be appreciated by them for being A, it will always be underlain (or even eventually overrun) with the perception of B.




Your wife told you she did this because she wanted to know if she is still attractive and desirable. Your daughters asked you to give her some more time.

Try telling your wife that you also have found a girl who is much younger than her (your wife), who still finds you attractive and desirable, and you will be starting a parallel life with her (just as your wife did with this other man).

And try telling your daughters to ask their mother to give you some time with this new woman, so that you also can explore your fantasy second life.

Just to get their responses.

Let’s see how that goes. Let's see what they deem is fair to YOU.




You wrote: “please no just dump her or divorce her posts”.

Perhaps because you know inside that that would perhaps be the soundest advice.

Unless you have the urge to derive a perverse enjoyment being at the centre of a greek tragedy-like lifestory, please do what you KNOW you must do.




If you choose separation / divorce, best of luck. Tough times ahead.

If you choose reconciliation, best of luck. ToughER times ahead.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

OldWolf57 said:


> why waste our time if you don't want her back?
> An you must NOT want her back if you are not going to do as advised.
> Again, why waste our time.



Easy there tiger... er, wolf. 

How many of us have come onto TAM shellshocked, confused and totally upside down? Don't jump on the guy from the getgo and based on one (very short) post.

92Driver. From what you've briefly described, your wife is a "cake eater", ie: having her cake and eating it too. She's got half her life in your world, and space, and half in some other guys bed. 

You've got a hard choice to make, and that is to file for divorce. Actually it's not a choice. The way she has, and is, treating you is unacceptable. And the only way she is going to realize that at this point is to serve papers on her. Hopefully it will shock her out of her affair induced 'fog' and back into reality. But be ready for the possibility that it won't. 

Look at The 180 Plan, seek counselling for yourself to resolve your own issues, love your kids and be prepared to move on.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

92driver said:


> please no just dump her or divorce her posts, I just need some advise please, thank you.


I think this is what you want... 

You can prove to your wife that you love her by letting her have her boyfriend on the side, because she only life once. Let her know that you will always there for her. If you really love her, be patient and continue supporting, do whatever it takes, give your life to her.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Driver, this problem you are facing is huge. Let's break it down piece by piece - 
1. You are still paying for her. You are her husband not her father. By still providing for her you are validating her affair. It almost means you are paying the other guy to **** your wife. 
2. She loves both of you. If she loves you, why is she flaunting her affair in your face? 
3. You still want to be with her. Are you sure you know the reasons to why you want to stay with her? 
4. Your daughters say she needs time. Let me ask you - if anyone hurts either of your daughters, would you give them time or take matters into your own hands? 

Your post is horrifying. Rarely we see this kind of despicable behavior. Many posters would be reaching for their antidepressants after reading your post. We can't help you. No one can. It's only you who can do anything. We'll advice you with your best interests in our hearts. You should be willing to understand them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Driver, you are an enabler. You are funding the affair. You need to make the affair difficult to conduct. Expose the affair to everyone. Stop funding the affair. File D and don't be plan B. W needs to move out. You start 180.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

92driver said:


> Hello all here is my story !
> Married 17years two D on 16 one 14 wife beautiful 47 not very sure of herself say home mom me 49 good job no financial problems happy marriage according to her perfect intimacy the last two years stress due to building a home arguments nothing bad I always go and make up can't be mad at her for long. Her Dad dies can never really get over it, my daughter very beautiful sometimes difficult has issues in school my wife can't handle that either gets depression. I come home from work in June she tells me I am in love with another guy and I love you too, can't stop the affair to exciting and new, I love you too need time to decide. Now four months later, she lives with him right now but has not moved out of our house has almost no contact with the kids and with me, she looks like she aged 15 years and my oldest daughter told me she is definitely not happy. One of her main problems with me was that I am too critical and not a social butterfly like her I like to stay home with my kids but I am not boring according to my daughters there is nothing wrong with me. This guys according to a personalty profile I found online is critical, can't take criticism is controlling overbearing personalty, rigid and so on, I still pay for everything this guy is very money wise ( she even needs to pay for her groceries) he is not married and single for the past seven years .
> My wife told me she did this because she wanted to know if she is still attractive and desirable. My daughters asked me to give her some time. I don't know anymore what to do, please no just dump her or divorce her posts, I just need some advise please, thank you.


What you should do is what you already said you don't wanna do. 
Or you can go on paying for her affair and wait until she gets tired of banging the other guy (if she ever does). Then maybe she will come back to you, at least until she finds yet another guy to experiment with... and so on...

Look, if your wife was a SAHM it's obvious your Daughters will hope she comes back against all evidence, so their request to give her time should be considered with a grain of salt. 
I think you should file for D, you can Always stop the proceedings later, but I think you need to let her know you won't take this.
Then It's up to you and her to decide if you want to try R or not (If I were you I'd think this through A LOT before commiting to R with someone who behaved like your wife. but it's your call...)


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So far, everything you've done has guaranteed an eventual divorce. You can't find a thread in all the thousands here that has worked doing what you're doing.

She has picked another man over you and you're paying her to do it. You're teaching your daughters that they can treat their husbands to do the same.

Your fear is your enemy and its winning. I would wish you luck but on this course your family is finished.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm not really feeling this OP ATM.. But I will hold off the validity of the thread for now.

92driver

You will need to break down your postings in to paragraphs. 

You will have to get into more details as well for people to understand a bit more.

Is english your native language ?

You are writing out your thoughts as if they were small tidbits that popped into your head as your typing. Preview your post and read it slowly to make sure you are getting your points across or the right point across.

You used wording like the other man is money wise making your wife pay for stuff. I get what you are saying here but its not exactly the the word I would use for him in that instance. Cheap and conniving is more like it..


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You don't want dump her or divorce her advice. The only other option then is to take relationship advice from your teenage daughters, live in limbo indefinitely. Have you no self respect? She deserves to be booted out of the marriagw she's been staying with an affair partner for months. 

There is a one percent chance she comes back to you fully remorseful- only if you begin to divorce her and show her you are in fact a man. What you are doing now is tantamount to giving her permission. She has no respect for you. Clearly.

PS please tell us where on the Internet you found personality profile of the other man. This tool can be of great use to many of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

IMO you are setting a poor example for your daughters. They are going to look back at this in the future and wonder if every man has so little respect for themselves.

and please folks spare me the "stay together for the sake of the kids" posts. 1. They are older. They aren't toddlers. 2. They already know the score. 3. Mom moved out months ago. The family home has already been destroyed

Driver, teach your children the proper way adults act in a relationship. Don't let their mother's action teach them that this behavior is acceptable. If you have no respect for yourself, at least dump this "woman" for your daughters' sake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I was hung up on the part about the Magic Website that offers personality profiles of other men, you know the one that said OM is rigid and critical and controlling and overbearing. Still want to know where this website is.

But I just re-read about you paying all her bills to live there.

MY GOD MAN!! 

This can't be real. No man has so little self respect. But he will let us know the website hopefylly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

92driver said:


> please no just dump her or divorce her posts,


... therefore ... no advise in this world can help you. 

After she has drug you through hell and back you'll begin to see the light, so good luck.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Poor definition of love, no boundaries, cruel.

I'd say, let the other poor guy keep her. Have her served with D papers, she'll come running back and on your terms then.

If you don't break this cycle, she'll break you.

Oh and read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Will explain a lot.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Since you've disappeared and let us know what kind of advice you want, I'd have to say that I guess you'll just have to put up with her nonsense from now on out. Good luck with that! When do YOU think you'll have enough of her bs to actually do something about this totally unworkable situation? :scratchhead:


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dump her and divorce.
Or
Get a tattoo 'Welcome' on your forehead. 

My suggestion is do the first one.

Acting as a doormat sends a horrific message to you children.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Rohitvikash said:


> It almost means you are paying the other guy to **** your wife.


I have looked over your draft. I suggest you remove the word "almost".




A++ said:


> I think this is what you want...
> 
> You can prove to your wife that you love her by letting her have her boyfriend on the side, because she only life once. Let her know that you will always there for her. If you really love her, be patient and continue supporting, do whatever it takes, give your life to her.


I suggest, to show he really loves her, he set up a 14 day cruise to Aruba for her and the boyfriend. Since the boyfriend is "money wise" as he puts it, adding a little spending money for the couple would sweeten the pot and go a long way to show how much her happiness means.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

92driver said:


> Hello all here is my story !
> Married 17years two D on 16 one 14 wife beautiful 47 not very sure of herself say home mom me 49 good job no financial problems happy marriage according to her perfect intimacy the last two years stress due to building a home arguments nothing bad I always go and make up can't be mad at her for long. Her Dad dies can never really get over it, my daughter very beautiful sometimes difficult has issues in school my wife can't handle that either gets depression. I come home from work in June she tells me I am in love with another guy and I love you too, can't stop the affair to exciting and new, I love you too need time to decide. Now four months later, she lives with him right now but has not moved out of our house has almost no contact with the kids and with me, she looks like she aged 15 years and my oldest daughter told me she is definitely not happy. One of her main problems with me was that I am too critical and not a social butterfly like her I like to stay home with my kids but I am not boring according to my daughters there is nothing wrong with me. This guys according to a personalty profile I found online is critical, can't take criticism is controlling overbearing personalty, rigid and so on, I still pay for everything this guy is very money wise ( she even needs to pay for her groceries) he is not married and single for the past seven years .
> My wife told me she did this because she wanted to know if she is still attractive and desirable. My daughters asked me to give her some time. I don't know anymore what to do, please no just dump her or divorce her posts, I just need some advise please, thank you.


Just dump her and divorce. Good advice right there.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

what do all of your friends and family say you should do? Do they think you should keep paying for her to live with another man? And not see your children? And not work? 

for the life of me I can't figure out why your wife isn't happy. He gets to bang another man and have you pay for it. oh except for the fact that he must not love her because he doesn't want to commit to her in any way other than letting her live with him. I'm surprised she isn't paying rent. 

you not putting your foot down with her tell her exactly what her value it. She's not worth fighting for. She must feel like s*** knowing that. He doesn't want her and you don't want ur. Or will you do want her but not enough to tell her hell no this won't fly get your ass home or I'm divorcing you.

And your poor girls. they want you to give her more time. But their children. Course they want more time because they're hoping for a happy ending. I don't see how you can have a happy ending when you've allowed this to go on.



you're also judging whether you are a great dad and person based on what your daughters think. Did I mention that their children? 

as an adult reviewing this situation I see a weak pathetic man who allowed his wife to cheat and not just allowed it foot the bill. I see a man who listens to his children because in all likelihood he has no peers. That's not good. I'm afraid that I would have to wonder how good a father you really are when your children are on the same level as you. 

stop listening to your children number one. Number to tell her to get her ass home inmediately or you're filing for divorce tomorrow. If she does not come home pack her things and put them in the garage and tell her that she must come and get them ASAP. 

you will not pay for her food any longer. She is living with another man. Change the bank account. She moved out she abandoned her family. Go see a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

(Sorry feminazis). Be a man, take a stand, grow a pair, read MMSLP...

Everything you've been told/taught about women is wrong. Look where it got you. Read the book. Improve you, D this monster and date hot, decent women. They're all over the place hoping & looking for a decent man (a real man that is).


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

what's the point of even mentioning the term feminazi? you can tell someone to be a man without that crack. and that's especially true in this case. She didn't emasculate him. He emasculated himself.

No woman can take anything away from a man if the man doesn't allow it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Driver, I am one of those "stick it out for the kids sake" but ?????

Your wife (not the right word) has been living with this guy for months and you are financing her living expenses?!?!?! Man I believe in self sacrifice for the sake of the children but you are being put in a blender and pureed. Your girls are learning horrible things from this situation, too many to list. You said don't give dump and divorce posts but what are the alternatives? You're living the alternative and that's what brought you here!

Look man I believe in taking the high road and trying to understand and be sympathetic but that's for a one time event when the WS shows deep, sincere remorse and does all the heavy lifting. That's not even close to this. I think Merriam-Webster will have to rewrite all future dictionaries with the updated definition of selfish and they will need a pic of your wife.

This is a cyanide sandwich for your marriage and your girls. Please understand no one here wants to hurt you, your wife is doing that. We are trying to tell you to cut her loose and stop the bleeding. 

You said this makes her feel attractive?? What kind of mirror is she looking into?? What do you see when you look at her?? I will again take the side of what's best for the kids and say this woman is toxic both figuratively and possibly literally. I deeply regret your loss but the wife you once knew is gone. At some point you will have to accept that. Try to make it sooner rather than later for your girls sake.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Q tip said:


> (Sorry feminazis). Be a man, take a stand, grow a pair, read MMSLP...
> 
> Everything you've been told/taught about women is wrong. Look where it got you.


You've got that right. Look at what old 92driver said about the boyfriend-- 

_"This guys according to a personalty profile I found online is critical, can't take criticism is controlling overbearing personalty, rigid and so on, I still pay for everything this guy is very money wise ( she even needs to pay for her groceries) he is not married and single for the past seven years ."_

Yet his old lady is eating out of this guy's hand while 92 is pan handling for a few crumbs. More proof women like the bad boy challenge, no question about it. Steers get butchered. Bulls get bred.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Now I'm hungry.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As long as my old lady doesn't use to much lighter fluid.....I'm looking forward to a nice steak!


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

You have no other choice but to dump AND divorce her. The erosion of respect is too great for any form of recovery from this affair. The boundaries were NOT only crossed, they were erased with sewer.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she doesn't live there any more and your paying her way with her affair, then you can expect her to continue for as long as she can to play both ends to the middle.

She cheated and your rewarding her by still paying her way and letting her continue without an type of consequences. In other words, she got the best of both worlds.

If it was me, the day she left, she would have been cut off financially and told to get a job. I would have started a new bank account, checking, savings, and credit card. The changed the locks on the house and then found a lawyer and had her served at this bums house. Once he would have seen that there's a price for all the sex and the price is taking care of her. he wanted her, now pay for her way.

The sooner you inform her that the freebies have ended and for her to get her belongings out of the house and find a lawyer, the better you'll be. If your daughter asks why you wont wait, just explain to her that her mother doesn't have the right to leave her family just to conduct an affair and rub it under your nose. No one should have to deal with that and ask your daughter if she would like it if her future husband did it to her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Lawyer up
2. Cut off her funds, let the other dude pay for her stuff.
3. Do the 180 hard and stop talking to her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

U need to cut off the money

U need to file for D, and not look back

she is 47 and she wants validation----she she got it---she got it at the expense of her family

show your girls that you are not going to be walked over----for if you don't what do you think they will think of you in later yrs----(my father, oh ya---he let his wife go live with another man, and did NOTHING)----Is that the example you want to set for your daughters---is that how you wanna be thot of by your daughters

Stop allowing yourself to be trampled on----her excuse for leaving you---IS ACTUALLY HER JUSTIFICATION---allowing her to cheat----------its time for you to get out----and start to live life again----cuz I am willing to bet---the days must be awful long and miserable for you----and it won't stop till you free yourself


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

92driver said:


> Hello all here is my story !
> Married 17years two D on 16 one 14 wife beautiful 47 not very sure of herself say home mom me 49 good job no financial problems happy marriage according to her perfect intimacy the last two years stress due to building a home arguments nothing bad I always go and make up can't be mad at her for long. Her Dad dies can never really get over it, my daughter very beautiful sometimes difficult has issues in school my wife can't handle that either gets depression. I come home from work in June she tells me I am in love with another guy and I love you too, can't stop the affair to exciting and new, I love you too need time to decide. Now four months later, *she lives with him right now but has not moved out of our house has almost no contact with the kids and with me*, she looks like she aged 15 years and my oldest daughter told me she is definitely not happy. One of her main problems with me was that I am too critical and not a social butterfly like her I like to stay home with my kids but I am not boring according to my daughters there is nothing wrong with me. This guys according to a personalty profile I found online is critical, can't take criticism is controlling overbearing personalty, rigid and so on,* I still pay for everything* this guy is very money wise ( she even needs to pay for her groceries) he is not married and single for the past seven years .
> My wife told me she did this because she wanted to know if she is still attractive and desirable. My daughters asked me to give her some time.* I don't know anymore what to do, please no just dump her or divorce her posts, I just need some advise please, thank you.*


She is living with OM and you are financing her lifestyle and you dont want "dump her or divorce her " advice... Well good luck with your new never ending cuckold lifestyle because she has it so good now that it will never end if you dont change yourself...

The other advice is always simple and that's to start respecting yourself and to stop letting her **** all over you and your familly... 180 is your best friend at the moment... And for christ sake stop paying for her...

P.S. For the record I would never take her back but its your life and your choice...

Good Luck


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

92driver said:


> please no just dump her or divorce her posts, I just need some advise please, thank you.


You can't be serious - taking divorce off the table.

Friend, divorcing her yesterday is the *only* advice. You have allowed yourself to be her door mat and are setting a terrible example for your children.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> what's the point of even mentioning the term feminazi? you can tell someone to be a man without that crack. and that's especially true in this case. She didn't emasculate him. He emasculated himself.
> 
> No woman can take anything away from a man if the man doesn't allow it.


Yes, dear. 

There's actually an indoctrination going on. Since an apology was already pre-declared, I'm good with it.


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