# Happy marriage but very little sex



## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

I put this here because I believe I need a ladies opinion.

Ive told my wife after 1 year and 4 months marriage, that id like more sex and that id like her to engage in my sexual fetish (well fitting jeans and tight hi cut swimwear)...even encouraging her to feel more sexy and appreciated.

Sex was great before we go married now we mostly only have sex when she feels like it or when she is tipsy and I told her I want to make love when she is sober.

She told me that she is not interested in my fetish fine! but she 'teases' me when she sees a lady like that in the street and I pretend im not interested.
She also said that she will allow me to have sex with another woman in order to satisfy myself, which I told her for me, is unheard of in a loving marriage.

I admit, I got desperate once and contacted women on adult marriage sites but 'something' always seemed to stop progress and after a month, I gave up...I called it personal fate.

I decided to delete a big source of my drive and deleted all my fetish material and I kept myself focused on other stuff besides sex and for 2-3 weeks it went well. But I guess psychology got in the way and when i decided to masturbate to feel good, i could feel my fetish and sex drive come roaring back.

My wife wont have sex with me if i take pills to lower my testosterone levels.

any suggestions?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I dont understand the last part. You are considering taking pills to lower your testosterone levels? If that's what you are considering, then stop thinking of that as a solution. Testosterone does a lot more than give you a sex drive. In fact, it's vital for your well being. 

I didn't read your other posts. A short synopsis with more details may help you get more targeted responses. Any children, does your wife seem to have emotional problems? Any abuse in her history? Did she indulge your fantasy pre- marriage and did she seem to enjoy being sexual in the past?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Why isn't she interested in sex with you? Maybe she is with someone else? I suggest talking to her, finding out what she thinks is wrong, figure out what it takes to fix it, give it a period of time, try marriage counselling, and if it doesn't work, divorce. Letting this continue for too long without action will make it even harder to address later, and IMO, it's better to end a marriage quickly rather than live unhappily indefinitely. You may keep hoping things will change, but if they don't within a short time, they almost never do.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have kids?

Why do you stay in this relationship?

Read neuklas's thread.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

cbachinger said:


> My wife wont have sex with me if i take pills to lower my testosterone levels.
> any suggestions?


I wouldn't fool around with your testosterone levels as they effect many bodily functions other than sex drive. If you want to take a medication to lower your sexual desire any SSRI antidepressant will usually do the trick.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Are you really in a happy marriage? If you have to hide who you are to benefit the wife you can not be truly happy.


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## danger_mouse (Apr 21, 2014)

Random, get a book, it's called his needs her needs, read it together, she does not have a clue what marriage is about.

Question, is she fooling around? It makes sense for allow you a hall pass if she is gettin her needs met by an OM.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

danger_mouse said:


> Random, get a book, it's called his needs her needs, read it together, she does not have a clue what marriage is about.
> 
> Question, is she fooling around? It makes sense for allow you a hall pass if she is gettin her needs met by an OM.


This is what I was thinking:scratchhead:
Time to buy a VAR for her car or a pen var for her purse.
You should still be in the honeymoon stage.:scratchhead:
Check phone records.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if there is no sex, by definition it can not be a happy marriage


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## danger_mouse (Apr 21, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> if there is no sex, by definition it can not be a happy marriage


I wouldn't agree with that, you can be happy without sex, but, it would mean that both parties are LD and desire for sex is simply not a need that needs to be fulfilled.

This is more about them being in a friendship at the moment.

Might I also suggest that you get to grip with working out and hitting the gym, dress up and smarten your appearance. This has a geat effect of getting her interested in you again, it presents an aire of mystery, it may not be a bad thing to detach a little too, not going dark but go out and get a life and hobbies.

If this does not bring her interest back to the marriage you are in then you will be in better shape to move on and file for divorce and find a spouse/SO who will meet your sexual needs that she currently has no interest in.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

murphy5 said:


> if there is no sex, by definition it can not be a happy marriage


That's ridiculous. What about people with illnesses that prevent them having sex? What about old folks who no longer have sex but are still madly in love? What about couples who struggle with sexual dysfunction? Granted a marriage without sex isn't maybe as good as one with but to say it's unhappy is just wrong. More couples in sexless marriages stay together than get divorced because they don't have sex.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr B said:


> That's ridiculous. What about people with illnesses that prevent them having sex? What about old folks who no longer have sex but are still madly in love? What about couples who struggle with sexual dysfunction? Granted a marriage without sex isn't maybe as good as one with but to say it's unhappy is just wrong. More couples in sexless marriages stay together than get divorced because they don't have sex.


Maybe it should be rephrased into "not as happy as it could be"...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Mr B said:


> That's ridiculous. What about people with illnesses that prevent them having sex? What about old folks who no longer have sex but are still madly in love? What about couples who struggle with sexual dysfunction? Granted a marriage without sex isn't maybe as good as one with but to say it's unhappy is just wrong. More couples in sexless marriages stay together than get divorced because they don't have sex.


Try this one then: If both spouses are capable of having some sort of sexual contact and one spouse still desires to have some sort of sexual contact, then no intimacy will lead to an unhappy marriage. 

Intimacy would be broader than PIV sex. I can think of at least one poster who cannot have PIV, but they still do other things to maintain a sex life.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

danger_mouse said:


> I wouldn't agree with that, you can be happy without sex, but, it would mean that both parties are LD and desire for sex is simply not a need that needs to be fulfilled.


OMG, i did not even think of the possibility of two LD or two asexuals in a marriage. You are right, that would do it. Maybe they can get their kicks gardening together.

but, why would the OP be on here complaining of "little sex" if he was asexual???


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

Catherine602 said:


> I dont understand the last part. You are considering taking pills to lower your testosterone levels? If that's what you are considering, then stop thinking of that as a solution. Testosterone does a lot more than give you a sex drive. In fact, it's vital for your well being.
> 
> I didn't read your other posts. A short synopsis with more details may help you get more targeted responses. Any children, does your wife seem to have emotional problems? Any abuse in her history? Did she indulge your fantasy pre- marriage and did she seem to enjoy being sexual in the past?


Sure but my high levels of testosterone do not help me if I don't have a 'balanced sex life'.

No kids. My wife's main emotional problems is that her divorced mom back home is getting old (68) and has no one to be with, although her mom told her to take care of her own future and life. And she has a pet dog, with her mom, which is also very old and not doing well and she is very attached to it.
Not abuse that I have been made aware of.

She experimented a little before but only when I personally bought some clothes with her. I was also the first person to give her oral sex, as she was very shy about that. Her sex drive has never been 'needy' in her life.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

Married but Happy said:


> Why isn't she interested in sex with you? Maybe she is with someone else? I suggest talking to her, finding out what she thinks is wrong, figure out what it takes to fix it, give it a period of time, try marriage counselling, and if it doesn't work, divorce. Letting this continue for too long without action will make it even harder to address later, and IMO, it's better to end a marriage quickly rather than live unhappily indefinitely. You may keep hoping things will change, but if they don't within a short time, they almost never do.


Not that she is not interested in sex with me but her sex drive is much much lower. When she is suddenly in a good mood or drunk, she tends to come to me.

We had a chat a few months back and she said that if I want more sex or someone who 'likes' my fetish then she says I can find a casual lover - which I said was bull**** in a loving marriage. I asked her why she has no emotional understanding about my problem and she said 'in that case I found the wrong woman for that stuff'.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

LongWalk said:


> Do you have kids?
> 
> Why do you stay in this relationship?
> 
> Read neuklas's thread.


we don't have kids because of money problems, though im in the process of hopefully getting a better paid job and more suited to me.

We have proven to each other through our first few hard times that we truly love each other...nothing more to say about that. We appreciate each other for who we truly are.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

richie33 said:


> Are you really in a happy marriage? If you have to hide who you are to benefit the wife you can not be truly happy.


I didn't say I was hiding. She knows my desires but she has no interest and told me I found the wrong woman for that 'stuff'.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

cbachinger said:


> She knows my desires but she has no interest and told me I found the wrong woman for that 'stuff'.


Ouch!


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

danger_mouse said:


> Random, get a book, it's called his needs her needs, read it together, she does not have a clue what marriage is about.
> 
> Question, is she fooling around? It makes sense for allow you a hall pass if she is gettin her needs met by an OM.


Ill look into that 

No, her sexual drive is just much lower than mine.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

From the responses ive received, id HATE to divorce so bladdy soon and just because of lack of sex and satisfaction in sexual fetish.

She would turn around and say 'why does this suddenly bother u so much? is that all what is important to u? what about just me, as ur wife with u?

I could easily counter argue, that sex is an important part in marriage and u no that my fetish is also very strong and that asking this from u is not a huge demand, considering, as u just said, u r my wife, lover and friend. ive given u my reasons and encouraging reasons for engaging in this with me and I know that u r a reasonable thinking person. so what is your problem with that now?


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