# Wife says she loves me but wont say she is in love with me



## kylestum0527 (Dec 15, 2015)

My wife today stated she loves me but would not say she is in love with me. She went on to say she is confused. Not sure what to take of this. She has been distant or lets say not affectionate. We have been married for 1 year and together for 10. Something similar to this happen around 5 years ago. She has a history of anxiety and depression. Not sure what to do here. We have 3 children together. I want things to work but don't want to be with someone who is not in love with me.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Has she been guarding her mobile device and/or is there a password on it?


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## kylestum0527 (Dec 15, 2015)

No, not at all. I don't suspect her of cheating in the least.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have you spoken to her about her feelings in detail? For example, has she explained to you what changed and when? Did you notice a change in her treatment of you near any particular event?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Kyle,

The thing is that no body suspects or wants to believe that their W or GF is cheating on them, but it's happens so quickly these days with all the means to communicate.

Is your W in communication with anyone excessively?

Does she dress better, more sexy?

Has she lost weight?

The "I love you but am not in love with you" is a very strong indicator that she is at least emotionally attached to someone else.

Tamat


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## Sleeplessnights (Dec 1, 2015)

Pray for patience and tolerance...going through the same crap right now. Analyse your relationship. Look for how you went wrong....what she did wrong....and what to do to fix those problems.

I read two books...5 love languages and surviving an affair. Both have good concepts about love and winning your spouse back. Cheap $20 investment. Hope for the best...brace for the worst.

I feel your pain. My wife might throw away our marriage in the coming weeks or choose to help me fix the marriage. I been on pins and needles waiting for her to decide our future.

Good luck!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> Kyle,
> 
> The thing is that no body suspects or wants to believe that their W or GF is cheating on them, but it's happens so quickly these days with all the means to communicate.
> 
> ...


Or that she is very depressed.

OP, is she receiving treatment for depression at the moment?

If not perhaps she should be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

My goodness. How many husbands start threads with almost the same symptoms but state that they don't think their wife is cheating? The I love you but not in love with you when said by a wife almost always means there is already a man in her life getting her best. 

The distance you see and the shutting off of affections are all tells as well. She doesn't want to be affectionate to you because that would make her feel like she's cheating on her man. The distance is that she no longer feels the connection with you. Being around you is repulsing her. I'd bet she is picking fights about anything you do.

You better wise up. Get access to her phone, email, and social media. Velcro a VAR under the passenger seat of her car. You've come to the right place. Members here have heard it all and know what works and what doesn't. How to root out the truth. What to expect from your wife. Cheaters follow a script and rarely deviate. Read the threads. You'll see the pattern and you see yourself in the stories of so many men.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How do you know she is not cheating? Check her phone.

Stay calm. Do the things that are important to you. Make sure you work out. Concentrate on self and kids.

Cut back alcohol.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

So now you are thinking "What if...." I hope you are right but it doesn't hurt to snoop a bit, just to reassure yourself. I ignored all of the red flags and it was happening under my nose. Joked about it with my ex. I used to say to her "Who are you seeing, what's his name...." It was a joke between us, and she would reply "Sure, when would I get time for that" (meaning I'm so busy with work). She had time alright and then some. Investigate


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

The reason you need to eliminate cheating is because, frankly, that term is 99% of infidelity cases.

In other cases people find other more gradual ways of conveying the emotions. Once that are appropriate to the nuance of that statement.

We're not saying that she's cheating, just that we've seen the 'no way she is cheating' comment be blown up so often in this exact instance that it's just a checkbox that you need to cover.


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## abart (Aug 5, 2014)

Standard Evidence Post


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

OP - you need to due diligence re: cheating. If she is cheating, you follow a totally different tact than if she is depressed. Please follow the standard evidence post, listen and don't talk. The ILYBNILWY speech shows there is a very high probability of either an EA or a PA or one that is very close to occurring. if you follow threads on this board, you will see that this is one way BH's find out about their spouse cheating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kylestum0527 said:


> No, not at all. I don't suspect her of cheating in the least.


You should at least make an earnest effort at ruling it out. Comb through bank and credit card records, check the phone bill(s), and get a good look at her cell phone. I'd even go so far as running a data recovery app to have a look at any deleted call records, text messages, etc.

Once you KNOW there's not someone else in the picture, go from there.

FWIW, "I love you, but I'm not _in love_ with you" almost always means an affair.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> FWIW, "I love you, but I'm not _in love_ with you" almost always means an affair.


Usually, yes.

But sometimes it means "We've lost our emotional bond, but I don't hate you and don't want bad things to happen to you."


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Usually, yes.
> 
> But sometimes it means "We've lost our emotional bond, but I don't hate you and don't want bad things to happen to you."


Yeah, I think this is what has happened to me and my wife. I'm not even worried about an affair at this point because she's made it clear that she would be happier alone.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> Yeah, I think this is what has happened to me and my wife. I'm not even worried about an affair at this point because she's made it clear that she would be happier alone.


Has she said specifically what is happening in your marriage that she feels is worse than being alone? Does she feel like she's not being treated well, or maybe she feels she's already alone?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Usually, yes.
> 
> But sometimes it means "We've lost our emotional bond, but I don't hate you and don't want bad things to happen to you."


I get that. Still, he'd be wise to at least look into it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JukeboxHero said:


> Yeah, I think this is what has happened to me and my wife. I'm not even worried about an affair at this point because she's made it clear that she would be happier alone.


Wow. That is really a total rejection of you. I am sure that hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

kylestum0527 said:


> My wife today stated she loves me but would not say she is in love with me. She went on to say she is confused. Not sure what to take of this. She has been distant or lets say not affectionate. We have been married for 1 year and together for 10. Something similar to this happen around 5 years ago. *She has a history of anxiety and depression. *Not sure what to do here. We have 3 children together. I want things to work but don't want to be with someone who is not in love with me.


Is she open to treatment for those issues?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I have a question. Did she actually say " I love you but I'm not in love with you" or did she just fail to say "I'm in love with you"? Cause when I first read it I thought you were just saying she didn't express "being in love" to you not that she said she wasn't in love with you.

Depression is an interesting thing you can care about people but there is a general lack of emotion about anything. I don't know that a person can be depressed and be "in love". 

OP, how young is your youngest child? How old was your youngest when this happened 5 yrs ago? Some women can experience post partum or other hormonal driven depression further off then just after a baby, one thing I read said up to two years.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From what I've seen over the years here, you can pretty much add depression and anxiety to the list of red flags indicating cheating.

I suppose people with these conditions often look elsewhere for relief.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I love you vs I'm in love with you hmmm.

This is tricky as the 'I'm in love with you' is what prompts marriage. The 'I love you' is what builds the marriage and allows it to continue. The feeling of being in love can change from day to day due to circumstances of just getting on with life.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

kylestum0527 said:


> My wife today stated she loves me but would not say she is in love with me. She went on to say she is confused. Not sure what to take of this. She has been distant or lets say not affectionate. We have been married for 1 year and together for 10. Something similar to this happen around 5 years ago. She has a history of anxiety and depression. Not sure what to do here. We have 3 children together. I want things to work but don't want to be with someone who is not in love with me.


I'm with Blondilocks the phrasing is weird the way you explained it. 

We need more information. She has anxiety and depression issues that happened before, but you now have three kids. Life, pregnancy, hormones and age can exacerbate issues of anxiety and depression.


Yet, there are some affair red flags as well.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Has she said specifically what is happening in your marriage that she feels is worse than being alone? Does she feel like she's not being treated well, or maybe she feels she's already alone?





jld said:


> Wow. That is really a total rejection of you. I am sure that hurts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I don't want to hijack this thread, but basically she is resentful and bitter about mistakes I've made in the past, mostly related to spending too much time playing games or being involved in hobbies. I have numerous threads, the most up-to-date one is "Wife is having an emotional breakdown" in the Private members section. Have you read it?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Usually, yes.
> 
> But sometimes it means "We've lost our emotional bond, but I don't hate you and don't want bad things to happen to you."


 Sometimes people win the lottery too....


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

IIJokerII said:


> Sometimes people win the lottery too....


Maybe I should buy a ticket then!

I almost said that phrase to my XH when i left him. The only thing that stopped me from saying it, was that people on this site said it meant cheating. I wasn't cheating, and didn't want my husband to use that phrase to accuse me.


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