# He never compliments me



## La Rose Noire

A few questions for the men.

Do you compliment your SO/wife? Do you do it often? Do you do it because you mean it or only because it's what you know she wants to hear?

For those who don't compliment their SOs/wives, why don't you? Resentment? You don't think it's genuine? Or you just have a hard time expressing yourselves?

My SO never compliments me. He used to all the time in the beginning of the relationship. Now, he only does it when he's done something to upset me. Then it's suddenly "I love you. I'm sorry. You're so beautiful and smart. I'm a lucky man and you didn't deserve that". This has only happened a couple of times as we generally don't argue/fight. He is wonderful to me most of the time. We have been together 2 years and have been talking about getting engaged soon and married next year. I can't remember the last time he complimented me out of the blue. Over a year at least. 

I just don't understand it. He thinks I'm being silly. But I feel like I could take 3 hours to get all dolled up for him, and I get the same reaction as if I'd worn a potato sack. "You're ready to go? Cool." Other men give me attention all the time. Even in front of him. Hell, even other women do. But I don't want their attention, I want his. 

Sometimes I wonder if he just doesn't say it because he doesn't feel it. But I haven't changed my appearance since we've been together. I take good care of myself. I dress nicely, fix my hair, am in good shape, etc. I wonder if he was only saying that in the beginning to get me to like him. Sometimes it feels like a bait and switch. He was gushing over me at first. Kept telling me how beautiful and sexy he thought I was. Now, nothing.

When I asked him recently, he said he thinks I'm very beautiful and he's very attracted to me. But hasn't really explained why he never says it more often or has made any effort to try. He thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

For the record, it's not just my looks. It's my cooking too. I know I'm a good cook, people love my food. I love cooking for him. Most of the time though he won't say anything or just say "Thanks, that was good." For every day meals I don't mind, but when I'm in the kitchen for hours preparing something more elaborate, it would be nice to hear something more than that. Sometimes I have to ask him if he liked it to get any kind of response. 

I really want to hear some raw honesty from you men. Is he just bad at expressing himself or does he just not say anything he doesn't mean?


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## Ten_year_hubby

You two might benefit from marriage education course since your SO is clearly missing a very important point in relationship dynamics. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that his dad didn't compliment his mom so he never learned


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## La Rose Noire

Ten_year_hubby said:


> You two might benefit from marriage education course since your SO is clearly missing a very important point in relationship dynamics. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that his dad didn't compliment his mom so he never learned


You may be on to something. He never knew his father. In fact, he recently opened up to me that he had never had a good male role model and always looked for one throughout his life.


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## quietnight112

Yes. Most men and women need marriage education. I know I did/still learning. Most likely, you've hurt his feeling deeply and he's being passive aggressive. He needs to grow up and let those slide or confront you on how you are hurting his feelings. I didn't do those, so I was passive aggressive too. So he needs to work on this, like I had to/am working on this.

You also need to learn to know what your man wants. I mean emotionally, and stop hurting his feelings. Only one way to find out, confront him.


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## Phenix70

My husband did exactly the same thing, was full of compliments during our "courting" stage, never missed an opportunity to same something nice to me.
Fast forward to being married & then I get nothing from him.
I asked him why he stopped with the compliments, his answer?
"Because I've already 'got you', I don't need to keep up the compliments."
That was when I let him know that the secret wasn't getting the girl, the secret was keeping the girl & if he wanted to keep me, then the courting couldn't stop.
As I told him this I could see the light bulb going on, it was actually kind of funny to watch. 
Since then we both do our best to continue to "date" one another & avoid taking the other for granted.
We both compliment each other, do things that we know the other likes, from picking up ice cream or beer, to letting the other have some "me" time when they need to recharge their batteries, to evening back rubs.
We make each other our prioritiy, his needs are my needs & vice versa because we are equal partners in our marriage.
I like to think of it as a balancing act, that us being able to have our needs met is vital to the health of our relationship.


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## La Rose Noire

quietnight112 said:


> Yes. Most men and women need marriage education. I know I did. Most likely, you've hurt his feeling deeply and he's being passive aggressive. He needs to grow up and let those slide or confront you on how you are hurting his feelings. I didn't do those, so I was passive aggressive too. So he needs to work on this, like I had to/am working on this.
> 
> You also need to learn to know what your man wants. I mean emotionally, and stop hurting his feelings. Only one way to find out, confront him.


I've never done anything to hurt his feelings though. More like the other way around and he knows it. He acknowledges that I didn't deserve those actions from him (and thankfully they are few and far between).

I don't say hurtful words, I don't yell at him, I don't nag him, I don't flirt with other men or have any opposite sex friends, we both have high drives and are open in bed, I love taking care of him and he knows it. Which is why I'm just confused.

I've asked him if he resents me for anything, and the answer is always no and that he loves me. He shows it through actions all the time, just never words. So I wonder if I am being silly or not.

I think it's better to be with someone who shows you they love you but never compliments you, than be with someone who compliments you but doesn't show they love you. I still can't help but get frustrated sometimes.


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## quietnight112

OK look. It looks like you can't take opinions. I'm not saying its YOUR fault. I'm saying it's BOTH of your fault. Only way to fix this is to learn about yourself then confront each other and learn about your spouse. Each other should be top priority. Print a list of what are important in your life. Then write down how many hours you spend improving/spending on that priority. Then rearrange hours if it doesn't match the list.

And it looks like this is bothering you, so let him have it. Tell him straight up it's bothering you. Then if he doesn't listen then move out of the house. Not to divorce, but to save your marriage. Maybe a week to month. Depends on how dull your H. If it was me, you'd need 2 month. I'm pretty slow when it comes to women' feelings. He needs to see you are serious.

I only suggest this because it seems important to you. But be prepared that he may never turn around. What will you do?


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## La Rose Noire

quietnight112 said:


> OK look. It looks like you can't take opinions. I'm not saying its YOUR fault. I'm saying it's BOTH of your fault. Only way to fix this is to learn about yourself then confront each other and learn about your spouse. Each other should be top priority. Print a list of what are important in your life. Then write down how many hours you spend improving/spending on that priority. Then rearrange hours if it doesn't match the list.
> 
> And it looks like this is bothering you, so let him have it. Tell him straight up it's bothering you. Then if he doesn't listen then move out of the house. Not to divorce, but to save your marriage. Maybe a week to month. Depends on how dull your H. If it was me, you'd need 2 month. I'm pretty slow when it comes to women' feelings. He needs to see you are serious.
> 
> I only suggest this because it seems important to you. But be prepared that he may never turn around. What will you do?


I'm very open to opinions, just not false assumptions.

As for the rest, that's game playing to me. I'd never threaten to leave to make him do what I want. That's manipulation. Believe me, if I tried something like that he'd tell me not to come back. I am simply trying to understand him. Also if you read the OP, you'd see we aren't married yet.


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## sisters359

Read the book Love Languages and get him to read it too--or you could read aloud to him, a bit at a time.

You have a need to hear what the author calls, "Words of Affirmation," while HE likes "acts of service." he's "complimenting" you in his language, and you may be complimenting/showing your love for him in YOUR language. Each of you feels you are already showing love, but you are showing in the way you want to receive it, perhaps, not in the way your partner likes to hear/see it. 

This is a pretty important point in your marriage, b/c both of you need to recognize that the marriage needs nurturing and that an expression of needs by one of you is NOT a criticism of the other! 

Good luck and sorry to barge in!


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## turnera

La Rose, understand that there will be things that BOTH of you do that are constantly affecting the other. Good and bad. It's common to take SOs for granted over time. It's common to be on your best behavior when you're pursuing and flirting. But it's also common to not know how to maintain a good relationship. For example, you are hurt and you try to tell him; he reacts and doesn't enjoy the criticicism (though YOU see it as trying to improve the relationship), and so he deflects back on you and says you're making too big a deal. 

Get this book, it will teach you BOTH how to maintain a healthy relationship. Read it TO him if he won't read it WITH you. His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.

Also 5 Love Languages, because you two are speaking in separate languages.


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## quietnight112

I don't think it's manipulation. I think it's standing your ground and not being treated as such. I assumed you guys were married, my apologies for jumping to conclusion. I'm married so can only comment regarding wife situation. If it was me, I wish my wife would've took such strong stance. It's not manipulation to me, it's letting me know how TRULY she feels. Sometimes, actually most of times, her words sound just nagging to me. I'm improving as you can see 

Anyway, it's my 2cents. It could be 100% wrong, but that's how I wish my wife behaved.


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## La Rose Noire

sisters359 said:


> Read the book Love Languages and get him to read it too--or you could read aloud to him, a bit at a time.
> 
> You have a need to hear what the author calls, "Words of Affirmation," while HE likes "acts of service." he's "complimenting" you in his language, and you may be complimenting/showing your love for him in YOUR language. Each of you feels you are already showing love, but you are showing in the way you want to receive it, perhaps, not in the way your partner likes to hear/see it.
> 
> This is a pretty important point in your marriage, b/c both of you need to recognize that the marriage needs nurturing and that an expression of needs by one of you is NOT a criticism of the other!
> 
> Good luck and sorry to barge in!


Yes, I'm aware he's an acts of service guy. I am as well. I just wish I'd get a little more words of affirmation. He could go without. 

I only wanted to know why men don't compliment. If he's resentful, then yes I want to know (but I keep asking and he keeps saying no, and I can't think of anything I've done). If he won't compliment me because he doesn't think it, then I'd also want to know to move on to someone who does. If he just has a hard time expressing himself, but does think it, I could live with that.


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## La Rose Noire

turnera said:


> La Rose, understand that there will be things that BOTH of you do that are constantly affecting the other. Good and bad. It's common to take SOs for granted over time. It's common to be on your best behavior when you're pursuing and flirting. But it's also common to not know how to maintain a good relationship. For example, you are hurt and you try to tell him; he reacts and doesn't enjoy the criticicism (though YOU see it as trying to improve the relationship), and so he deflects back on you and says you're making too big a deal.
> 
> Get this book, it will teach you BOTH how to maintain a healthy relationship. Read it TO him if he won't read it WITH you. His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.
> 
> Also 5 Love Languages, because you two are speaking in separate languages.


Thanks for your input. Perhaps my approach is wrong, as the only times I've ever brought it up is when I'm upset about something else. Maybe I come off as attacking and he goes into defensive mode.


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## Caribbean Man

A genuine ,heartfelt " thank you..." is a powerful gesture that can take any relationship , whether marriage , friendship or business to a next level.
Most times though,married couples take each other for granted , and just assume the other partner " understands."


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## La Rose Noire

quietnight112 said:


> I don't think it's manipulation. I think it's standing your ground and not being treated as such. I assumed you guys were married, my apologies for jumping to conclusion. I'm married so can only comment regarding wife situation. If it was me, I wish my wife would've took such strong stance. It's not manipulation to me, it's letting me know how TRULY she feels. Sometimes, actually most of times, her words sound just nagging to me. I'm improving as you can see
> 
> Anyway, it's my 2cents. It could be 100% wrong, but that's how I wish my wife behaved.


I suppose you and I think of "standing your ground" on different terms. Standing my ground to me would be telling him that something is unacceptable and simply leave if he kept doing it. I would not look back.


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## turnera

La Rose Noire said:


> he goes into defensive mode.


Trust me, we all do.

HNHN - and the questionnaires that go with it - will help you learn how to discuss it with him as a COUPLE rather than adversaries.


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## quietnight112

La Rose Noire said:


> I suppose you and I think of "standing your ground" on different terms. Standing my ground to me would be telling him that something is unacceptable and *simply leave if he kept doing it. I would not look back*.


OK.... Now you are starting to understand my first post, 2nd post, etc. You are a woman. I am a man. You asked for a man's opinion. And I (a man) told you we speak different languages and are missing each other's point. Other women chimed in that fact as well. What you've just said is the WORST thing you can do to your SO/husband. THE WORST. In fact I would dump you right now for having such opinion, if I wasn't married to you. (assuming I'm your SO).

Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome - YouTube

Please watch this and maybe you'll understand SO/husband's POV.


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## La Rose Noire

quietnight112 said:


> OK.... Now you are starting to understand my first post, 2nd post, etc. You are a woman. I am a man. You asked for a man's opinion. And I (a man) told you we speak different languages and are missing each other's point. Other women chimed in that fact as well. What you've just said is the WORST thing you can do to your SO/husband. THE WORST. In fact I would dump you right now for having such opinion, if I wasn't married to you. (assuming I'm your SO).
> 
> Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome - YouTube
> 
> Please watch this and maybe you'll understand SO/husband's POV.


I don't think you understand me. I'm talking about hurtful things, not small stuff.

For example, my SO has twice flirted with other women in front of me (this is what I mean when he has hurt me and knows it). It was mild but disrespectful none the less. This is unacceptable to me. And I have told him as such. I'm not interested in moving out to get him to stop. I will simply observe. If it happens a third time, I'm gone. I will not tolerate that level of disrespect.

Now with this, no I wouldn't just leave him. I understand relationships/marriages are work. But there are dealbreakers too. If I felt so strongly about something that I felt I needed to move out, I just would and not come back.

He shares the same opinions as I do. Neither of us are doormats.

Keep in mind, we aren't married. And as a Catholic I would not divorce him unless there was infidelity. He also knows this. Hence the dating stage is crucial to me.


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## turnera

La Rose Noire said:


> For example, my SO has twice flirted with other women in front of me (this is what I mean when he has hurt me and knows it). It was mild but disrespectful none the less. This is unacceptable to me. And I have told him as such. I'm not interested in moving out to get him to stop. I will simply observe. If it happens a third time, I'm gone. I will not tolerate that level of disrespect.


Did you tell him that at the time? That you're keeping count? That you are 2 steps out the door?


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## dixieangel

I've had this discussion too with my husband..just recently. I explained to him that we ALL need to be praised or complimented on occassion. And reminded him how good if feels to be noticed for your good qualities. 

This was his explanation: "You know how my grandmommie and I talk to and treat each other don't you? Do you know that I never remember her telling me she loves me? She doesn't have to. I can feel that she does."

I believe that men think their actions are enough expression..words are not necessary. This is something i struggle with too. 

Sometimes, when I'm wondering how he feels, I remind myself to think of his actions and the things he does to show is appreciation and affection. Other times, I just ask! LOL Last night I asked how he liked dinner.....so I have to fish for a compliment to get one at times...

When I do get a compliment from my husband, I really really appreciate it!! high fiving , cartwheels, woohoos...etc LOL


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## La Rose Noire

turnera said:


> Did you tell him that at the time? That you're keeping count? That you are 2 steps out the door?


Yes. After this last time I told him that was the last time I was going to accept it. Both times he was very drunk and going through a hard time. He is not an alcoholic as he can easily control his drinking and it's only happened twice in 2 years, but he cannot control himself when he's emotional. He's promised that he would stop drinking altogether and knowing that if he messes up again he will lose me is his motivation.

I guess that's what prompted this thread from me. He never compliments me but flirts like that with other women. I have told him such after this last incident. Which is what I mean when I say I only bring it up when I'm upset.


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## turnera

How old are you two?


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## La Rose Noire

I am 27, he is 40.


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## turnera

Has he been married before? What was the story on that relationship?


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## La Rose Noire

He has never been married. He says he never wanted to marry unless he was absolutely sure she was the one. He said a woman needed to be financially, emotionally and sexually compatible with him (which he says I am). He's had several relationships, the longest one being 1.5 years which was about 10 years ago. It ended because she wanted to marry him and he didn't see a future together. He said the other women he dated were good women, no big issues, just knew there were some incompatibilities that made him doubt. Either sexual, emotional or financial. Being that he is very outraged at the way men are treated during divorce (as am I), he chose not to risk it and didn't want to waste their time. He has no children either but wants them with me and discusses it often.


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## lovelygirl

La Rose Noire said:


> I don't think you understand me. I'm talking about hurtful things, not small stuff.
> 
> For example, my SO has twice flirted with other women in front of me (this is what I mean when he has hurt me and knows it). It was mild but disrespectful none the less. This is unacceptable to me. And I have told him as such. I'm not interested in moving out to get him to stop. I will simply observe. If it happens a third time, I'm gone. I will not tolerate that level of disrespect.


Different people have different definition about 'flirting'.
Out of curiousity, can you share what he did that you call it a 'flirt'? Maybe he wasn't really flirting and you misunderstood it?


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## La Rose Noire

lovelygirl said:


> Different people have different definition about 'flirting'.
> Out of curiousity, can you share what he did that you call it a 'flirt'? Maybe he wasn't really flirting and you misunderstood it?


As I said, it's mild but he's aware that it's unacceptable to me.

The first incident he kept teasing the other girl, his attention was solely fixed on her, he kept staring at her, trying to play fight with her, put his arm around her etc. She knew what he was doing and gave me looks of pity. He didn't try to deny he did something wrong either. The thing that got to me was that she was nothing like me at all. Very chubby, full of tattoos (which he claims he hates), very unfeminine and just plain ghetto. The very opposite of what he claims to like.

The second time, he ogled every single woman that walked by him. I don't care about discreet looks, but this was beyond that. At that point it was simply disrespectful. One woman actually turned around and gave him a disgusted look. He also kept going to the same bartender for drinks. When I went with him he was very playful with her, then when he got his drink said "Thanks babe". Again, while some people might tolerate that stuff, I do not and he knows it. He wouldn't tolerate it from me either. He was upset over some medical issues he's had over the last few months and I've been nothing but supportive and nurturing of him. 

In both instances he drank too much and claims he doesn't remember anything. I can't help but think that's BS.


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## lovelygirl

La Rose Noire said:


> As I said, it's mild but he's aware that it's unacceptable to me.
> 
> The first incident he kept teasing the other girl, his attention was solely fixed on her, he kept staring at her, trying to play fight with her, put his arm around her etc. She knew what he was doing and gave me looks of pity. He didn't try to deny he did something wrong either. The thing that got to me was that she was nothing like me at all. Very chubby, full of tattoos (which he claims he hates), very unfeminine and just plain ghetto. The very opposite of what he claims to like.
> 
> The second time, he ogled every single woman that walked by him. I don't care about discreet looks, but this was beyond that. At that point it was simply disrespectful. One woman actually turned around and gave him a disgusted look. He also kept going to the same bartender for drinks. When I went with him he was very playful with her, then when he got his drink said "Thanks babe". Again, while some people might tolerate that stuff, I do not and he knows it. He wouldn't tolerate it from me either. He was upset over some medical issues he's had over the last few months and I've been nothing but supportive and nurturing of him.
> 
> In both instances he drank too much and claims he doesn't remember anything. I can't help but think that's BS.


oh wow!!! Totally disrespectful! I don't blame you for not putting up with his sh*tty and flirty behavior towards other women.
And yes, drinking was a BS. If he knows he gets that way after he drinks, then he should not drink as much but instead, should control it out of respect for you. [if he has it].


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## Dr. Rockstar

Phenix70 said:


> That was when I let him know that the secret wasn't getting the girl, the secret was keeping the girl & if he wanted to keep me, then the courting couldn't stop.


Quoted for truthiness.

And for what it's worth, I think it's perfectly acceptable to compliment your spouse if you're being genuine, just flirting or trying to make them feel better.


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## La Rose Noire

lovelygirl said:


> oh wow!!! Totally disrespectful! I don't blame you for not putting up with his sh*tty and flirty behavior towards other women.
> And yes, drinking was a BS. If he knows he gets that way after he drinks, then he should not drink as much but instead, should control it out of respect for you. [if he has it].


Yeah. What's really confusing is that he is nothing like that normally. It has happened twice. In between, he's amazing to me. Always very thoughtful, does all kinds of little things for me to show me he cares, never flirts with other women at all. My friends actually tell me they are jealous over how good he is to me and how much he loves me. They see it when we're together. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when he is drunk.

He has promised he will stop drinking completely so as not to ever do anything like that to me again. It's odd because he normally doesn't drink much. He will stop at 1 or 2. In both instances he was emotional, and just couldn't stop himself. Then completely changed as a person. As much as I love who he is normally, I can't accept this as being some kind of routine every few months.


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## Drover

How often do you compliment him?

FWIW I think it's just a matter of time. People get in a rut where they stop talking to each other in a loving way, or going out of their way to show affection or say nice things. We're working on getting this same dynamic back in my house right now.


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## La Rose Noire

Drover said:


> How often do you compliment him?


I do all the time. Not so much on his looks anymore. If I tell him he looks handsome he just says a "Thanks. You look good too." It makes me feel like he thinks I'm only saying it to get a compliment out of him. Then I get cranky that it's the only way he'll ever say anything.

But I will compliment him on other things. His intelligence, his handyman skills, his assertiveness, his capabilities. He has mentioned that he loves how I build him up. I know those matter to him more than his looks so I make sure I make him feel good about himself. They are genuine too. I say it because I feel it.


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## turnera

Read HNHN


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## bkaydezz

ive had the same problem here for months.
he told me the reason for it was because we argue. 
and i had asked him about hte good times that we have together, what was his excuse for not telling me then...nothing.

let me say though, in his past relationship of 9 years, they rarely ever complemented each other. he said it wasnt even something they had done when they met.
if theyd get dressed to leave somewhere they would just ask if they looked alright LOL!.

I'd like to think some of that comes from there. who knows....
Like you said Everyday several times, just spat it out now nothing.

he told me the other night that he was going to tell my how beautiful he thought i was and that i deserve to hear it. 
pretty nice eh?

i think ill take it considering that i have baggered him long enough over it. just hope that he isnt doing it to hush me even though he says i deserve it. i dont think so. but i will have to update you on it.


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## Dr. Rockstar

bkaydezz said:


> let me say though, in his past relationship of 9 years, they rarely ever complemented each other. he said it wasnt even something they had done when they met.


Ah, yes. The old "I didn't do it with her so I shouldn't have to do it with you" excuse. It's a complete cop-out. He's trying to put you into the same category of his ex. But you are not his ex (and that is at least part of the reason he's with you and not his ex) and he should not expect to treat you the same way he did his ex. Different person, different rules.


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## Jimbob82

Op, I'm sorry your H doesn't compliment you, you'd be surprised how many guys DON'T compliment their partners. On the flips side, I always compliment my wife every day on how she's looking, but sometimes she doesn't seem to appreciate it, as if i sound insincere when I've said it? You just can't win sometimes!


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