# Is Divorce Right for Me?



## Redchevy (May 9, 2017)

Wow, not sure where to start, but the fact that I'm on this site as she's sleeping next to me is a good indication of my thoughts. 35, married 8 years with a three year old. So for the last five or so years of our marriage, my wife has gotten worse and worse when It comes to pitching in around the house as well as taking care of herself. So I know I caused part of the problem by always being there to pick up the slack. But over the years, it just keeps getting worse. When our daughter was born, she gave up her career to become and admin assistant to bettter take care of our family and our daughter. As far as taking care of our daughter, I handle the morning before daycare stuff and she handles the afternoon / evening stuff. Bath time is usually her deal, but it's always a fight to get her to give our bath every other day. Also, the household chores have basically become mine. For laundry, she'll start a load but never move it over to the dryer. If it's in the dryer, sometimes she'll take it out and leave it in the bin for a day or two. For cleaning around the house, we always start with a game plan, but I ended up picking up all the stuff she doesn't want to do including vacuuming the couches (we have a dog that sheds), making the beds, cleaning the oven and stove. I also handle everything outside. When it comes to making the beds and vacuuming the couches, she says she can't do it because she's not good at it and she's slow. I always tell her that I don't care how long it takes, I'm happy if she does it. I also remind her that I wasn't born knowing how to make the bed and vacuum the couches, that I learned over time. She still won't do it, so I start to do everything cause I am anal about stuff like that.
And I believe that our daughter should live in a clean house. Also, I cannot get her to cook. If it was up to her, she would eat out two meals a day, every day. And we started falling into that. After many arguments, I started going to the store and buying groceries for the week and now I cook just about every night. Between a very demanding career, cooking, cleaning and laundry, I try to relax or go for a motorcycle ride when I can. Of course, with this comes that "I don't want to spend time with her or our daughter". I've tried explaining the above to her and I'm told I'm being ridiculous. To top it off, she has really let herself go. She showers maybe twice a week and has gained anoutn50 lbs in the last year. I've tried talking to her on several occasions, and she tells me that if I don't like it, to leave, but to leave our daughter. I've told her that I am considering it, and it's not up to her to decide who gets our daughter. Her own mother tells her she's wrong.

Any advise? Thanks in advance.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the core of the marriage? Intimacy? Passionate kissing and good and frequent sex? Are you two falling into the roommate death sentence? When did the spark die... before or after the kid came?

I've been there with a wife that let herself go after having kids. But we hated each other and had a 100% sexless marriage for the last 4 years. I waited for the youngest to go into kindergarten and divorced her. I'm much happier now. You have two choices. Accept it and be miserable for the next 15 years. Or have a come to Jesus talk and give her 6-12 months to get herself back on track. You either get your wife back or you get to find a new one.


----------



## Down_And_Out (May 3, 2017)

how old is she?


----------



## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Huge mistake I made with my currently separated wife, was getting resentful over picking up her lack of interest in day-to-day living and having to bail us out of her failings over and over again. If you want this marriage to work, you are going to need to deal with any resentment towards her regarding her short comings. That does not mean ignore the issues. That just means make sure you don't become resentful and bitter. If you are on the Internet posting about this, you are probably feeling some resentment and bitterness already. 

Mistakes I've made in a situation similar to yours:

I would become aggravated and get into arguments over what I perceived as issues.

When she would screw up I would Band-Aid the issue and WE would never actually resolve it as a COUPLE.

Because I was bandaging HER mistakes and trying to fix them, I was enabling her and aggravating myself because I would have to bandage the same mistake she would make over and over. 

I felt that I was responsible for her happiness. I would become aggravated when she didn't seem happy.

When I would try to resolve issues with her, I would inadvertently do it in a way where I belittled her and made her feel bad about herself. 

What I'm saying is, have you done any self reflection about how you are approaching her in these matters? I had nothing but good intentions when trying to approach these matters with my wife, but I was doing it all wrong and I was hurting her in the process. That is something you don't want to realize when it's too late. You want to realize that now. 

Do you guys get out often together and separately? We got stuck in a rut while my wife was in school and after school because we didn't have that much money and our circle of friends had dried up due to everything we have been trying to accomplish. Make sure you guys are getting time away from the house/children together and separately. 

You really need to exhaust all options before you go for a divorce. It sounds like y'all are in a rut. I think it's really admirable of you that you have been picking up her slack and doing things that need to be done. There is nothing wrong with that for the time being. Just make sure that you aren't getting resentful and lashing out. And for gods sake's don't comment on her weight. She knows.

I hope this is helpful. I see a lot of similarities in your situation that I have experienced over many years that led to our separation. I just wanted to mention some of the places where I went wrong. Mainly that my approach was flawed. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Also. If she is willing, get some counseling together. If she isn't willing, go by yourself. Don't pressure her to go. If she doesn't want to go, take the lead and go alone. Getting counseling will show her with action that you are serious about the relationship and that might inspire her. And don't make her the problem and the reason you would go to counseling. 

And don't start threatening her with divorce or separation. If she is already feeling withdrawn and down on herself, threatening splitting up could be make things horrible. 

Unless there are other factors involved that you're not talking about, I think that you should stay away from the idea of separation or divorce right now. 

Be proactive. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------

