# can't get the images out of my head



## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

4 months out from DDay from her EA/PA, trying to work on our marriage. In MC and IC. Married 10 years, 3 kids.

During the first few months of trying R, all I wanted was my wife back. That was my focus, and I played it slow and steady. Patient. Waiting for the fog to lift and just being the best I can be.

Right now, she is starting to come back from the fog and come around to really wanting this. It has been difficult because she wasn't sure she wanted to continue at first. Now she talks about the future like we will be together.

Right now, for some reason, when I look at her I think about the things she's done more than ever, even more than I did in the past 4 months. I look at her hands, her wedding ring, and imagine it around the OM's c**k. I look at her lips, the same thing comes to mind. Her whole being, it seems contaminated now. I cannot look at her the same way. Just as she seems to be coming back, I reject her and get really pissed off for what she did. I didn't do that during the first 3 months, I just worked to try and get this back on track.

Now I'm wondering if I can ever do this. I try to think "it's just sex, so what" and sometimes that works. But usually not. Is this just a phase? I haven't thought about D seriously in the past month or so, and now I'm thinking that's my only option because I cannot see her how I want to see her.

I struggle every single day with this right now. Working and concentrating is more difficult now than it was a month or two ago when I didn't care as much about the sex acts, but just wanted my wife back. I just have overwhelming resentment. She doesn't do enough to eliminate the resentment. I've asked for it, and I'm waiting for it, but she has not given me enough.

I don't know if I can do this. I want to, but I'm having trouble now. I need her help and I've told her this. I'm seriously thinking about giving up after the holidays. But, in January I plan on finding out exactly where she's at in this. I won't ask now, because I don't want to ruin my kids' x-mas.

Advice? How do you deal with the images and movies? That's my problem right now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When you start to get the mind movies think about him farting during the act. Think about how clumbsy it might have been. Put in your mind some ambarrassing seniro that may have happened during the act.

I get the same issue and I offen think about the positive my chick is doing. I also have the pleasure of having a submissive wife and the role playing we've done seemed to help. But I'm just wired differently then most. 

The point is your W really needs to do the "things" that will help you heal. I'm 20 month from d-day and it does get better if your W is doing the heavy lifting in adressing your feelings when it come to mind movies.

In my case i can tell my wife whats screwing with my head and she seems to walk me through the reality of it. It sucks but just talking and getting this "feeling" addressed helps me.

On occasion I just face the fact that my wife wasn't a virgine when I married her and I did marry her b/c she is a freak, but thats just me.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I had to read all of your previous posts to get a feel for your situation. In February you mentioned that you weren't your WWs best friend, and that she goes out and has a good time with her friend a lot. You said she never came home late and never came home drunk.

Then suddenly in November, you're 3 months past DDay by discovering her emails that *she had a PA during the summer with a coworker*. You decided to "work" on the marriage and "hope" thru MC that she will come out of the fog. 

Then your next thread is about her not reaching out to you, or helping to comfort you through your triggers and when you're feeling down. 

And now, you're having trouble dealing with the mind movies and starting to give up on the marriage. You pinned your hopes on MC, that it will save your marriage, as if it's some magic bullet that will solve all your problems. You mentioned in your other thread that you don't want to bring it up all the time and you don't want to know the details. You've been working on the marriage by trying to go out on dates, basically you've been trying to woo her back into you arms.

You're in False R buddy. You're the one working on the marriage with someone who isn't 100% committed to saving the marriage. She isn't remorseful or repentant. Saying sorry doesn't equal remorse. She's not empathetic to your pain, hence your other thread. It takes BOTH partners that are 100% committed to saving the marriage to make R work. 

You never mentioned if she has written a NC letter to this OM. Does she still work with OM? Because if he is a coworker, how can she be NC with him? You also never mentioned if you have been monitoring her to verify if there is NC. Because by the way you describe her in your previous threads, she's still in the fog, and even if the PA is over(?), she still sees him at work, so the affair is still on, at least in her mind, which is why she cannot commit to you 100%. 










Is she in the left column here? Is she compassionate about the pain you're feeling? I don't think so, given your previous thread about it.

Yes, you have been rugsweeping by hoping MC works and working on the marriage by trying to woo her back. Know what happens when you rug sweep? You become resentful, and its now overwhelming for you. You know why you've become resentful? Because you feel like you're the only one working on saving your relationship, while she only shows a partial commitment and isn't empathetic to your pain. You tried to swallow your pain and move on and what do you get in return? Only a half assed effort from her, correct? And now the mind movies are only making your resentment worse. 

You need to serious ask yourself, what has she done to help save the marriage? She cheated. She needs to be doing the HEAVY lifting. That means she needs to be willingly transparent by handing over all and any passwords to all accounts that she has. She has to be physically accountable for her whereabouts. She needs to be able to give you details and talk about the affair when you need to talk about, not avoiding it like she's been doing. She needs to be compassionate to your pain, both physically and emotionally, and comfort you when you trigger and feel down. AND she needs to quit her job and seek employment elsewhere, because seeing the OM all the time is going to keep her in the fog. But all of this requires 100% commitment to the marriage.


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## baltimorebarry (Dec 7, 2011)

Man you need to look within yourself. Have you ever thought that there was something you could have done to prevent the cheating? So your wife cheated, who does her heart belong to? My wife cheated on me and I felt just like you did until she explained to me what led her to do so. After some real soul searching, I found that I had come up short in many areas in my relationship. Now we are a more connected then ever. 

Here's an example: If your wife stopped having sex with you what would you do? Sure you would try and talk to her but she's not listening and in the meantime you have a desire that needs to be fulfilled. And the first time you could get that desired met, you will. Now if you were not there for her emotionally the way she needs, then what did you expect her to do? 

That's why they call it "working it out". Because you really do have to work through the issues and come to an understanding.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is no way you could have prevented your wife from cheating. It was a choice she made. A character flaw that generated a behavior and a individual dicision on her part.

Yes her choice to be decietful and justify her betrayal is a by product of a problematic marriage, it still is her choice to deal with this problematic marriage by taking the easy way out and going behind your back. Where the honorable choice would have been to confront the marriage and take the hard road and divorce.

In my case I would have rather read a divorce paper sueing me for neglect, rather then read a text message on my wife cell about how much fun she was having with the OM and how sh!tty her H was.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

This is pretty typical to BH having spent so much energy to finally get his W back, and wonder if all his effort was worth it. After all, what you have got back is this tainted woman of wife. 

I say you have to give a year before making a drastic decision. However, in the meantime, you shouldn't just sit around hoping your W would read your mind and do what's necessary to heal your wound. Tell her again and again how you are still hurting and what you expect her to do to help fix this situation.

There are some basics that your W must do at minimum. 

- She must change her job if OM is still working with her.
- She must send a formal NC letter to OM.
- She must confess fully with all the related details, even including specific sex acts.
- She must make herself completely honest and transparent, like revealing all her passwords and constantly letting you know of her whereabouts.
- She must show true remorse.

Make your demand as specific as possible. If MC did not work well, then you may have to find a different MC that understands your pain better and works more effectively to heal you instead of defending her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

In the meantime, prepare/protect yourself and your kids financially and legally. Avoid joint bank accounts, credit cards, assets, etc

Hide/secure your assets.

If you do decide to divorce in the future, this area will be one less things to worry about.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> And now, you're having trouble dealing with the mind movies and starting to give up on the marriage. You pinned your hopes on MC, that it will save your marriage, as if it's some magic bullet that will solve all your problems. You mentioned in your other thread that you don't want to bring it up all the time and you don't want to know the details. You've been working on the marriage by trying to go out on dates, basically you've been trying to woo her back into you arms.
> 
> You're in False R buddy. You're the one working on the marriage with someone who isn't 100% committed to saving the marriage. She isn't remorseful or repentant. Saying sorry doesn't equal remorse. She's not empathetic to your pain, hence your other thread. It takes BOTH partners that are 100% committed to saving the marriage to make R work.
> 
> ...


Most of things you wrote are correct. When I decided to try and R, I knew the chances weren't good. She wasn't able to do the right things, and still isn't.

But I did not expect MC to solve all the problems. I knew that the majority of it needed to be fixed on our own.

She does feel really bad when I'm feeling bad. She says so, and feels helpless about it. I can see that in her too. She doesn't know what to do or say - she's timid and she moves away from my pain instead of confronting it. I confront everything, she never has, she'd rather hide or suppress, and she's always been that way.

So I've told her again today, what I need, for her to come to me with real expression and feeling. She says she's 100% committed, but she says she's having trouble meeting my needs because it feels "forced." hmmm, okay, so I see where she's at, not really in this, based on that statement, not feeling much of anything. I'll continue to press her for my needs, and if I don't get anything, this will be over.

You're right, as long as she still sees the OM at work, she will never come back to this. She will never have feelings for me when she still sees him. If I gave her an ultimatum today to divorce or leave her job, which is very fulfilling for her, she'd probably choose divorce. 

So why am I doing this? I decided to do the honorable thing and give my kids a chance at an intact family. Her choosing to stay at her workplace is her own stupid mistake. She thinks this will happen "naturally" to fall in love again and repair the marriage. I know better, but if I had demanded anything before, then it would have been over already.

I'll have to wait until after the holidays, and take a new hard-line approach about this marriage, my needs, her leaving her job if she wants to save the marriage. If I had done that at the beginning, after DDay, we would not still be married right now. She didn't feel enough for me to choose me over her job. She was totally numb. And you're right, she's gone about this whole thing half-assed, because that's all she had for me.

I will feel good that at least I gave this a shot and committed to it fully, the chance at a fulfilling family life with her and with our kids. I know the chances of this marriage working out are very slim. If she doesn't want to do what's necessary then it's her loss that she gave up on a good man and didn't try hard enough. You can't force someone to love you again, you can just set the stage for it and see if it happens. She didn't set the stage for it, and I didn't demand certain things, so that's why I'm where I'm at today.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

baltimorebarry said:


> Man you need to look within yourself. Have you ever thought that there was something you could have done to prevent the cheating? So your wife cheated, who does her heart belong to? My wife cheated on me and I felt just like you did until she explained to me what led her to do so. After some real soul searching, I found that I had come up short in many areas in my relationship. Now we are a more connected then ever.
> 
> Here's an example: If your wife stopped having sex with you what would you do? Sure you would try and talk to her but she's not listening and in the meantime you have a desire that needs to be fulfilled. And the first time you could get that desired met, you will. Now if you were not there for her emotionally the way she needs, then what did you expect her to do?
> 
> That's why they call it "working it out". Because you really do have to work through the issues and come to an understanding.


Wrong, wrong, wrong!!!!!

There is never a good reason to cheat. Never ever. If there was a problem she needed to address it with you or divorce you. Cheating is not an option in marraige. You are 50%/50% responsible for marraige issues but the cheater must take 100% blame for cheating.

Cheaters are always good at blame shifting. They always have reasons for why it was the other persons fault. If you buy into their lies and let them get away with it without remorse, they will find reason to cheat on you again.

Sorry but you are the last person anyone should be taking advice from, as you are totally being fooled by your wife into accepting her cheating as your fault. Wow, you are so beta it hurts just to read it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Sorry, double post.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Not to mention that Barry and his wife are seperating, yet he says they are more connected then ever. Oh, and she apparently has "handcuffs" on her "v".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Not to mention that Barry and his wife are seperating, yet he says they are more connected then ever. Oh, and she apparently has "handcuffs" on her "v".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok help me out here. How do you handcuff a woman's "V":scratchhead:


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Ok help me out here. How do you handcuff a woman's "V":scratchhead:


Carefully.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> Ok help me out here. How do you handcuff a woman's "V":scratchhead:


I'm assuming she's not giving up the poontain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Carefully.





pidge70 said:


> I'm assuming she's not giving up the poontain


I'll take both your word.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> I'll take your word.


I'm only guessing.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> I'll take both your word.


:rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm glad I didn't say "Throw me a bone people".


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> I'm glad I didn't say "Throw me a bone people".


You are killing me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Be honest and inform him that she needs to move on!

Instead of going behide his back and commiting adultory. Why could she inform him that she is beeing neglected and is going to find some one else.

Why find some one else first then have him catch her!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may want to download a free copy of Dr Robert Glover's ebook 'No More Mr Nice Guy' (click on the link below my signature). It can help you to put your life in perspective and achieve happiness.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sirwonder said:


> I will feel good that at least I gave this a shot and committed to it fully, the chance at a fulfilling family life with her and with our kids. I know the chances of this marriage working out are very slim. If she doesn't want to do what's necessary then it's her loss that she gave up on a good man and didn't try hard enough. You can't force someone to love you again, you can just set the stage for it and see if it happens. She didn't set the stage for it, and I didn't demand certain things, so that's why I'm where I'm at today.


It's sad that she would choose her job and seeing OM, over her husband and children, but its not surprising, not at all. You state that she says she is committed 100%, however, her actions don't show it. Remember, action, not words. 

Well, you gave her a shot at R. You tried that Plan A. After the holidays, it will be time to put D on the table. If she doesn't recommit in the face of D, then all that means is that she checked out of the marriage a long time ago.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

sirwonder said:


> Advice? How do you deal with the images and movies? That's my problem right now.


As long as you stay married to her, they will be there. Believe me, I know.

So the only way to truly render them harmless is to get rid of the source of your pain.....your wife.

If you are no longer with her and you are out in the dating world again and surrounding yourself with decent women to try to strike a relationship with, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

I know, you probably can't bear to break up the kids' home. But you wouldn't have been the one to do that. She did it by being a cheating huss.

Now that I'm single I can't say that I don't have a vision pop in my head from time to time, but the difference now is, the thoughts don't hurt. I actually chuckle inside as to what a moron she was for deciding that cheating was more important to her than her family. I laugh because she is now some other poor saps problem, and he is hers. 

So the only true way for the visions to have no significance, is to get rid of the so-called significant other that caused those visions.


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