# I'm back, and I could really use some input...



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Hello everyone! I’m back, I’ve been gone since May 12th playing soldier. It was a rough couple of weeks because I was away from my comfort zone so I had a bunch of anxiety problems but I did well at hiding it all. I had a lot of time to think about everything and unfortunately not a day has gone by since D-Day (roughly 8 month) that I haven't thought about everything that has gone on.

Lately I’ve been thinking that I can’t do it anymore and that I don’t like who I am and where I am at in life. I feel like I’ve lost something important, like a limb or something, I don’t know I just feel like something is missing. I kind of feel like I just want to get a D… I love my wife more than anything but it’s just not the same anymore and I can’t stop thinking about everything. I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to heal while I’m still with her.

I just don’t know what to do because I really love her and I do want to be with her forever but I can’t keep living like this. I don’t know how to even break it to her. I’m worried that if we do get a D that all my friends and family will think I’m dumb and will side with her or something and I can’t help but think that she will just start messing around with our friends or something and I’ll end up losing everything.

I’ve tried so hard to make this work and try to forget everything but I can’t. A lot of times I can’t sleep at night because the EA is all I can think about. There are so many triggers all around me and they won’t go away. I feel like I'm in a bad mood fairly often and like I'm down and depressed a lot. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I’m lost…


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

First of all, it will never be "the same". You're both changed, forever. You have lost something -- your old marriage. It is dead. So perhaps focusing on what a "new" relationship can and ought to be like is a step forward, if you really do want to "be with her forever" and work it out together. It sounds to me like you've had to try and work it out alone, "hiding it well" for too long. Key to working it out is doing so together... ie, with her involvement, her help, talking it through till you can come to some conclusions together...

I also don't know that you can expect to ever "forget everything", whether you're with her or not. And worrying about what everyone else will think or say cannot be your focus. 

Right now you're extremely emotional, remember that. I wouldn't do anything rash right away; I'd focus on talking it out until you're more clear... good luck.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Agree with 2x. Also, if you haven't done so already, I would go into counseling for yourself. Doing this alone isn't working 8 months later. In 8 months you should have done a fair amount of healing by now (not saying you'd be totally healed, just better). Is your wife aware of how much pain you are still in? Has she reassured you and loved you through this?


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I've been doing counseling and MC. I've told my wife occasionally that I'm not doing well and that I'm still in a lot of pain and she hasn't really reassured me or been really loving towards me. This is just another reoccurance and I guess I'm not ready to let my guard down again because I don't want to go through all of this again.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

2x I don't expect to completely forget it, I just wish I wouldn't think about it every day.

Everytime I talk to my W about all of this she automatically starts to ask if I just want to get a D or seperate.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Geez, Forsaken - what is her reaction? Can she just not deal with your grief? Or did she deal with it better earlier on and now she's just sick of it because it's been 8 months? If she doesn't want to help you get past it maybe she isn't really interested in true R.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

At first she got pissed about it all and then she kind of showed that she felt bad and moved into a whole pretending like it never happened stage, she's never really been remorseful about the whole thing though she says she knows what she did was wrong. Thing is, she said said she knew it was wrong the last time and the time before that. It seems like this happens every year and a half to two years.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Wait a minute, thius has happened three times? And she's never even showed true remorse? And now just wants to know if you should go separate ways, rather than working through it with you?

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

And why is _this_ time taking over 8 months to "just get over it" (like she wants)? What's different this time then the first two times?

I'll tell you wah you're waiting for -- you're waiting for HER to leave YOU. But she won't; she doesn't need to... she can just go on to her fourth affair... and fifth... and sixth... why would she stop?

Dude, forget manning up -- time to get out. And while you do, do yourself a favor and figure out why you'd let any woman walk all over you like that. Seriously, pick up your bootstraps and make a plan for yourself, a plan that includes kicking her to the curb.
Sorry that sounds nasty, but the truth sometimes hurts.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Forsaken, 2X is right. When you don't bring it up, she's probably laughing a little inside at how many times she's gotten away with the marital form of murder. Then when you interrupt her little internal giggling, she gets irritated, poor thing. You're ruining all the fun. How DARE you? If it were me, I would wait until she's gone for a few hours, pack up a couple of suitcases full of her clothes and toiletries, and leave them on the curb. 

You know what, when you DO man up here, she is going to be PISSED and try to intimidate you, emasculate you into submission because up to this point it has WORKED. 

Sorry dude, but your wife doesn't deserve to be married. Kick her out. Now.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I'm afraid I have to agree. If she does this multiple times, shows no remorse and does nothing to try to help you rebuild...then show her the door.

She may still be in a relationship right now, which is keeping her from being there for you emotionally. She may still be in the fog. it's really hard to say, but what I can say is that from what you've said, I think it's time for her to go. Separate at first and do a 180. Just work on you and if she shows any interest let her know how it will have to work from now on. 

Good luck and stay strong.
SM


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