# Wondering what's going on in her mind



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

My wife and I have been separated for about 6 months (I am taking the date as when this all began and and she told me she does not love me and wants a divorce) and living separately for the last two months. We have recently returned from abroad and are at the moment getting settled in to the new living arrangements, getting out kids in to school, etc.
We are going to go for mediation (i.e. no court battle) but have not yet started the process yet. Personally I don't have a reason to push for it to happen ASAP, and as stated above there is a lot that has been keeping us busy.
During this time we have the kids equally. I am doing my 180 and we are civil, amicable and basically friendly. But we only share information on the "technical" aspects of things. I have no clue as to what she is going through, what she is feeling, IF she is thinking and if so, what about, etc etc.
On the one hand I think perhaps she is "over it and getting on with her life, excited about her new freedom and possibilities". On the other hand maybe she has had chance to introspect and think about the situation and possibly view it in a different light? I don't know, I guess no one but her knows (well, at least no one that I know). I also suppose the subtext of what I am asking is hope, and wanting to have some and/or feel better.
I know that as I am in the 180 I am not supposed to ask her how she is feeling or coping, and also not to express my own feelings (which I admit sounds stupid because it comes naturally to me and I do wear my heart on my sleeve). I would just really like to know what's going on.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

I think you should just ask her. I would probably do it through an email, but you could also get together for a brunch or something and have the conversation one on one.

You could say something like "It's been 6 months since we decided to separate and 2 months since we've lived together. It seemed like a good time to check in with you and see if you've had any second thoughts." Or if you know that you will not be reconciling and you just want to satisfy your curiosity you could say, "I understand that in order to move on with our new lives we need to emotionally disconnect from one another, establish boundaries, and respect each others new lives. But, I have been wondering how you are doing -- both because I still care about you and because I want to know if anything in your life is affecting our kids. I don't want to pump the kids for details, can you give me a brief update on how you're doing?"

She might respond by telling you that she doesn't think that is a good idea, and if so you must respect her boundaries.

Also, I think you need to figure out *why* you want to know. Is it because you regret the separation? Is it idle curiosity? Is it because the kids are telling you things that seem odd?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The 180 is for you. It is to help you move one. 

But if you want to reconcile, you have to let your spouse know before you start the 180. Something like, "I love you. I always will. Until you are willing to do X,Y,Z (give up boyfriend, go to counseling, etc.), I am moving on with my life." Then go dark, do the 180 and work on yourself.

I think it is totally reasonable to have this talk again every couple of months (not every couple of days). If your goal is to reconcile, they need to know that you are there for them. Don't cry and beg. Just a strong conversation, letting them know that while you are moving on, you still care about them and you are still available.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

i'd been wondering about this too recently. good to see the feedback about reaching out.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Couleur said:


> Also, I think you need to figure out *why* you want to know. Is it because you regret the separation? Is it idle curiosity? Is it because the kids are telling you things that seem odd?


I suppose my real reason for wanting to know is to understand if there has been any shift in her thinking, if she is willing to consider reconciliation. I suppose there might not be any point in asking, since she knows that I love her and did not want this, and she also said that "if she ever feels differently she will tell me" (but she does not believe she will). My only apprehension is that while doing the 180 it might look like I don't care any more and no longer interested in reconciliation, and that is an impression I don't want her to get (but again, she supposedly knows how I feel).


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I personally don't want to know if mine is thinking anything. I want her to work out her stuff before she tells me anything about "us"


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