# Just needed a place to be brave for a moment



## toodevoted (Sep 28, 2012)

I told my H that I asked a friend/neighbor if he (H) could stay in their basement bedroom so we could have a trial separation that impacts the kids as little as possible. Friend is checking with her husband. They have a walk-out basement, so it would provide us "distance" and him with an "apartment" feel without the expense and yet still allow him to be close enough to be involved with the kids. I would, however, make him knock on the door, etc. when coming to our house, just as if he were living at an apartment.

This has been a long time coming. I/we have been unhappy for years. We've been in marriage counseling for over a year. Though he and I both believe a lot of the issues rest with him (ADD, memory issues, irresponsibility), I've made a lot of changes in the past year - took over our finances from him and got us out of huge debt, etc. The things he's promised over and over to work on, he hasn't. Every deadline I've given him, he's blown past. He did some things that caused a lot of hell for me (i.e. told me he took care of many things that he actually didn't -- resulting in legal issues I ended up cleaning up, including with the IRS.) As we approach our ten-year anniversary, the final thing I had asked him to do to show me he was really "in this" was to plan a getaway - we've been away from our kids for one night in the (several) years since our eldest was born. He hasn't planned anything.

I do not have family support -- they are neither nearby nor are they, shall we say, rational. In-laws are also long-distance. They are disappointed with some of the things he's done or that he's failed to do.

So I am possibly heading into a trial separation with no family support, having been a SAHM for a long time, and worried about what the future holds. But I can do this, right? It is time to just have home be healthy for the kids. I've spent the last year managing the finances, managing the health benefits, basically taking charge of everything else. H cannot manage the money even for himself. I'm heartbroken to have to take this step, but I tried and tried to get him to wake up and notice his family, and he just doesn't. Even the marriage counselor seems frustrated with him.

My goal: to see if life is better "on my own" or not. I can't help but hope that it will also help him reprioritize his life, but I know that that cannot be my reason for a trial separation. So I can only focus on myself -- that I need to assess whether I am happier together or apart.

What do I need to do now? I haven't talked to anyone else but the one friend. I really hope this will be "trial" rather than heading to "legal" but I'm prepared to see this through -- I've been mentally preparing myself for over a year. But it is still scary. And sad.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Good luck to you. I hope your H will make the necessary changes to improve your marriage.


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## moocow (Sep 30, 2012)

Good for you... It is so hard taking that first step. Something I am still mentally preparing myself for. Sometimes I worry that I am too pre occupied with mentally preparing myself that I forget to rather put that energy into fixing things... but it never works. Everytime we fight I think this is the time I am going to do it, but I never do! I commend your courage to take control of your own life so rationally.

All you can do now is repair yourself on the inside and pray that he comes to his senses and steps up. Distance makes the heart grow fonder...and most times, people only realise what they had when they have lost it. I also hope that this isn't the end for you. Good luck...


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## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

I think that's incredibly brave. Keep us updated on how things go over the next few days/weeks/months as it seems like you might need a non judgemental place to talk


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