# At a loss...



## EardrumBuzz (Aug 12, 2011)

Good people of this forum, I have lurked here for a while, looking at many different topics/threads as my marriage began to go sour. And now, I find myself posting here--as things have gone from bad to worse.

My wife admitted to an affair after a recent trip out of the country, where she goes at least twice a year for extended periods of work (ranging from three weeks to three months at a time). The OM is not a direct co-worker of hers, but close enough. He is bi-national, living in the foreign country as well as here in the US part of the year. There is no question they will see each other again, each and every time she goes there for work, as well as here in the US on occasion.

It was my intuition that told me she had been unfaithful, and her admission came almost as soon as I confronted her about it. However, her original response was denial. Further details were parsed out slowly. I'm still not sure if I have them all. I'm also not sure I believe everything I have heard. I do not need to go into detail how I feel emotionally--everyone on here is well aware of that. Hurt doesn't even begin to describe it. 

The terrible thing about the situation is that when I realized our interpersonal relations had gotten so bad in the last few months (no sex for over three months; poor communication), I finally took the time to search my soul for my true feelings, came to the realization of how much I loved this woman, and had decided to work hard to get our marriage back on track. While I was doing this work on myself, she was playing around and apparently "drinking at Amy Winehouse proportions" in order to dull her pain. Now here we are with the age old question: reconcile or divorce.

Because of my soul-searching, I know that I am culpable for co-creating the situation that led to her affair--though of course I do not blame myself for it happening. That decision was hers alone. Still, my deep realization of love has me leaning towards reconciliation. My shattered trust and knowledge that I am replaceable, added to my humiliation, tells me to walk away. 

Here is what we have done so far. I want to get some perspective from other members about what we are doing, and of course the situation itself. Any advice will be gratefully accepted.


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 She has vacated our home, but has not moved out permanently. She is doing so reportedly to "get her life back in order, and to try to minimize how badly she has fu***d it up." She will supposedly seek IC in a few weeks, and is planning on quitting drinking. I do not think that there is any real possibility she will see the OM during this time, but I have clearly been duped before. 


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 I have been asked to not see a lawyer for at least these same few weeks as we both realize rash behavior will not serve any good purposes. I am angry, but don't want my anger to make my decisions for me. I agreed to this condition. 


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 I have told her that I could not promise any reconciliation--before realizing that she never asked for it anyway. I know she is remorseful, at least to a point, but she will be defending a graduate degree in 10 days, and so is distracted. I think it is possible that she left the house in order to concentrate on her defense, and that once that is over, she may ask for a divorce. We were pretty bad off before all of this, so perhaps she has left the marriage emotionally but needed the time to come to terms with it. This may also just be my insecurity. 


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 I do not want to give too much personal information away and so this will perhaps seem incomplete: I have said that "zero contact" with the OM would be one way to start repairing the damage done. But, in truth, zero contact could SERIOUSLY hinder or damage her career. My brain understands this and questions the validity of asking for it, but my heart doesn't care at all. 


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 I am also distrustful of her extended international trips, but again, to say such things would now be impossible ruins all she has worked for for many years. Of course, she has also ruined what we worked for for many years...but that is a different story. Whatever the case, even at 80% trust levels, her going on such trips would be extremely worrisome to me. We have a friend that is in the same boat--but now that I'm in it with her, I wonder why she chooses to live like that (her husband, who works with my wife, also goes out of the country frequently). 


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 IF and when my wife comes back, we may seek couple's counseling. Now whether this is in the service of reconciliation or merely raking the ashes of the dead is up in the air at this point. 

I guess that is about it. We have been together for 11 years, married for 8. No children.

I guess I want to know whether you all think it was good for her to move out, or if we should have started working immediately. I also want to see how you would manage "zero contact" in such a situation. Last, in your opinions, is trust regain-able to the extent that your spouse could go out of town for three months, including seeing the OM, and you not worrying? 

Thank you. You have given me good advice before without knowing it, and I look forward to all replies. I will check the forum again in a couple of hours. If I need to be more clear about something, please post. 

OH! I have just moved to a different city and have no network of friends, so this has been my only outlet besides the discussions with my wife. I have called a counselor myself, and hopefully I can start seeing her next week.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your here.
The best advise I can give and you already acknowledge the fact that take the time to make your dicision.
Its to bad she has to continue with her current job, that traveling will be big time trigger.
Some thing tells me that her career will out wieght her choice to stay married and with that said prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
If she can except the consequence in having an A and leaving her job then that says alot, but I just don't think she'll head in that direction. If she does make that kind of commitmnet then by all mean stay.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Well Buzz, if you've been lurking you know what to do. 

You want to reconcile, but you aren't sure if she does. Let her decide.

No, it's not bad that she moved out. Is he around now? Is she remorseful? Or still fogged in? Or is her time focused on her degree? There's no rule that because she's moved, then finishes her degree, that she'll want to divorce afterward. That's simply fear you have to stop listening to. 

Go back over the threads, and get your ducks in order. Step 1, 2, 3, etc. If you need ideas for NCLs, you can find them at AFFAIRCARE under "articles." Their articles are in order of the processes, so you might find other useful things there, too.

I hope you've read Just Let Them Go (at least the first 2 pages), which prepares you for the flip of the coin, if that's what she wants. 

Being a recent graduate, it may be a good time to look for another position, so she is not in contact with the OM.

Should you have started working on it right away? No, because neither of you know enough yet. But do communicate. Hope your counselor is good.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

She is responsible for putting herself in the position of jeopardizing this particular career by having the affair, and not you. I think that if she chooses this job, with this man in the picture, that should tell you all you need to know. You would only have to present it to her as something that she did to herself, and let her make the choice with full implications laid out on the table.

I don't think I'm being extreme by suggesting that the marriage security is more important than the career path. Many of us make these types of sacrifices for our partner.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Mge. is tuff under the best of conditions---your conditions are terrible---seperated for possibly 6 months every year


That is a tuff way to conduct a mge.

Lonliness creeps in, physical wants come into play---many things cause problems, when apart from each other so much of the time

You need to straighten this out, either the job goes, or the mge. ends---in your situation they can't co-exist---the 2 of you can't handle it


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## EardrumBuzz (Aug 12, 2011)

All of you--thank you for listening and taking the time to comment. To Halien and jnj especially, I sadly agree that her career may be incompatible with our marriage, knowing full well this more than likely dooms me to divorce. 

Still, I will wait and see what form(s) any potential reconciliation takes. I owe her, and us, that at least. Or at least I think so...

She claims to not know who she is personally, marriage-wise, or career-wise. I think she is being honest in terms of accurately portraying what she feels inside. But, I don't think a neutral third party would necessarily come to the same conclusion...

Anyway, thank you again. take good care of yourselves!


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

So many times "wanting to find myself" means I want to see how it is on my own. Good luck and persevere but keep in mine YOU have a say in this. You don't have to wait for her to decide anything.


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