# copeing with inadequacy feelings.



## jcjohnson3 (Nov 30, 2010)

Well here I am, a place I'd never thought I would be again. My wife recently left me after 7 years. She has done the whole thing over text. I have tried to get answers as to why, but all I get is it's not you it's me stuff. She says I was a good hubby, but we both want different things in life. She says I will make someone very happy, just not her. I always strived to put her and the rest of my family first, she was more career oriented.

so here I am a 30yr old white male, no kids, I am only 5'6 and 170lbs. I have never been good with girls. I guess you could say I never had game, and never wanted it. I always saw girls as something to cherish and not something to play with. I have always wanted a family, growing up in the south it was always instilled in me to put that first.

Since she left me I have this feeling of no one ever wanting me. I have no idea how to even approach women, or for that matter how to handle rejection. Girls say I am cute and attractive, but I still have a hard time comeing to the same conclusion.

Ladies can anyone give me advise? I know I'm short, but very athletic and well built. I am educated and have a good job. How do I get over these selfesteem problems and feeling of inadequacy?

Thanks for any help.


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm male, 61, your height, and much poorer shape but I'll give you my hard learned advice.

First recognize that women want men as much as we want them.

Second there are a lot of short women. We short men fit them very nicely.

There are a lot of women who want good men, the guys they are looking for are not flashy, but men like you and me who are family oriented, have good jobs, and able to love.

As far as conversation goes, most women are a lot better at it than you and I, though I have gotten much better these last years, your dates can carry most of the conversation, especially if you listen and ask questions based on what they say. 

There are a lot of books on Amazon about becoming a better conversationalist. I bet google might even come up with some suggestions. Read a couple, find what works for you, when you meet someone, bring a single red rose, offer to pay for coffee, wine, or dinner. 

None of us are as smooth as TV and movies indicate. 

Realize both of you are hopeful, scared and afraid of rejection. 

Make sure you register at PlentyOfFish.com (pof.com). Put up a couple of photos, if you have a pet, put it in at least one photo, if possible put up pictures of you outside as well as indoors. As the pof people tell us pay careful attention to your profile. If you are a basically monogamous romantic, say so. If you like to read, like a particular form of music, say so. If you want to visit Europe or climb Mt. Everest, say so. Write about your travels even if they were only rides your parents took you on. Talk about enjoying walks on the beach, dinner by moonlight, home improvements, your hopes for the future, friends, you name it. As you want kids, say so. If you are have good prospects at work, say so. Women in their 20s and early 30s are evaluating you not only for what you say, but your prospects as a mate and father of their children.

I'm certain there are several lovely women looking for you within 25 miles unless you live in a very, very empty region and it doesn't sound as if you do.

I suggest indicating you are looking for a LTR - long term relationship. Don't say you are looking for a date where you have a drink and go to bed together, unless you really are.

Don't fall in love on your first date. The next day, send a brief email thanking your date, telling her how much you enjoyed meeting her.

Most important, don't complain about your soon to be ex until your date starts asking questions about the stbX. I'd say a few sentences, then say you don't want to live in the past, you are looking to the future.

As you get ready to say goodbye, if you had a good time, tell your date how much you enjoyed your time together, tell her you want to meet again. Remember she is with you because she wants to meet someone and via messages, email, and phone you've already passed her first tests.

Good luck. You'll do fine, you've already convinced one woman to marry you, even though it didn't last, you've shown that you can find someone and develop attraction.

FYI I had my first date last night and had a wonderful time. I followed the advice I gave you except for the rose, the florists had shut down by the time we met.



jcjohnson3 said:


> Well here I am, a place I'd never thought I would be again. My wife recently left me after 7 years. She has done the whole thing over text. I have tried to get answers as to why, but all I get is it's not you it's me stuff. She says I was a good hubby, but we both want different things in life. She says I will make someone very happy, just not her. I always strived to put her and the rest of my family first, she was more career oriented.
> 
> so here I am a 30yr old white male, no kids, I am only 5'6 and 170lbs. I have never been good with girls. I guess you could say I never had game, and never wanted it. I always saw girls as something to cherish and not something to play with. I have always wanted a family, growing up in the south it was always instilled in me to put that first.
> 
> ...


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

*Re: coping with inadequacy feelings.*

I don't believe you think your inadequate, I think you're just feeling a little insecure and beat up right now. Going through a divorce is an emotional nightmare but the sun does shine again have no fear. You know you have a lot to offer, you're educated, stable, dedicated, athletic, etc. Your height isn't really an issue, sure you may meet someone that wants a taller man, but another girl may only like men with tattoos, another may only like men with brown hair, or professional, or with kids, or without pets, or from Idaho. See the pattern? You just wont fit every womans criteria, so don't expect to, but you will still find plenty of women to date. 

I've never been a very good "dater" but have learned to work around my weak points. I am terrible at the first date interview scenario, you know where you just meet somewhere and sit and talk, I hate it. So...my first meetings involves an activity, walking, putt-putt, and my favorite first date activity, shopping. Plan to meet at the mall, what woman wouldn't love to help you do your Christmas shopping? The idea is to have a little bit of a distraction to ease the tension. 

Rejection? Sure, it's going to happen. But so what, will it make your head explode? Your heart stop? The earth stop turning? Nah, it's just a couple seconds out of your life. I have found the best exit after rejection is to leave with a compliment, put on your best puppy dog face and say "I had to try or I would wonder forever" or crack a joke "can I have a hug goodbye?"

The best way to become more social is meet more people, do things out of your comfort zone. Talk to anyone around you, become involved in a group activity. As the other poster suggested, ask questions, people love to talk about themselves! 

Good luck


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Whoa there! Don't put yourself down. You have a lot to offer a woman. Always focus on those positive things. Confidence is more important than height. Besides there are plenty of us short women in the world.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

And stop thinking of women as delicate, precious things to love cherish and honor, unless and until you meet one that believes you are worthy of the same.

They're people. They belch, they fart, they do incredibly stupid things ... just like you.

Take the pedestal out of the picture it is unnecessary and actually counterproductive for both you, and any woman that catches your attention.


----------

