# My husband is trying to control my life & my sons



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

I've been remarried for 11 years (together for 14) and my current husband met my son when he was 6 years old. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was about 5 and it's been a difficult journey but he's now 20 years old and what I would consider a good kid (guy). He isn't disrespectful but he is lazy and a little selfish at times and this makes my husband insane. Every day my husband is constantly nit picking at things my son does. (example: He needed to get his license plates last week (June 15) but the temp tag is good until July 19th). He's always telling me how lazy my son is and how he stands back and lets everyone do everything for him. It's always negative and nothing positive. He will pick on him for his hair, his clothes, his friends, his car etc. My son has always struggled with forgetfulness, disorganization and being tired a lot. School was an absolute nightmare but he graduated and went on to complete 1 year of college before deciding it's not for him. This was another negative comment from my husband. My son pays his bills, just bought his first car with no co-signer and works a full time job. He is not the neatest kid when it comes to keeping his room clean and is not perfect but I hear about how imperfect he is every day. He tells me he's going to kick him out of the house if he doesn't do this or that, and he can't keep his car in the driveway because it leaks a little bit of oil (the car his dad gave him). He doesn't need two cars and he has to get rid of one of them because they can't both be in the driveway, especially when winter comes. It's become my husbands obsession to drive my son out of my life. He resents him for some reason and I just don't know why. He has never been disrespectful to my husband or swore at him or been defiant. He just doesn't always do things the way my husband wants or thinks they should be done and they are little frivolous things - not major issues. He even gets mad at me if I do something my own way.

The problem has been about all the negative things my husband keeps saying about my son and everyday its something new. Well over the weekend things escalated and I almost left him. My husband is always telling me what's good for my son and what I'm doing wrong such as washing his clothes or making dinner or picking up a few items for him at the store that he can take to lunch. My son doesn't ask me to do any of this nor does he expect me too, but for some reason, this bugs the living hell out of my husband so he starts up with the negative comments. If I want to talk to my son about something even things that are unimportant, my husband will turn down the tv to try and listen, then barges in, adds his two cents and proceeds on with a 30 minute lecture about the subject of our conversation which is all negative. My husband is a very smart guy but he loves to hear himself talk and will go on and on like beating a dead horse. My son and I are absolutely done with this and if I try to step in and shut down the lecture when it has gone on for far too long, he tells me that I'm undermining him. He is a control freak and acts more like my Dad than my husband. He never lets either one of us do anything our own way. He tells us how it needs to be done and if we don't do it that way, he becomes angry. So yesterday, I blew up and told him to stop telling me what to do and that I am not going to be controlled. I told him if I want to do something for my son, I will do it. I also do a lot for my husband, more than a spouse should do. The funny thing is that my husband is lazier than my son and sleeps all the time and yet he never says anything about all the things I do for him. I cook, clean, do laundry, take care of our 5 animals (feeding, walking, playing, vet appts except for cleaning up the yard waste and on occasion I do that as well. I pay the bills and even help him with yard work, but I am beginning to resent him because no one can think for themselves anymore, he is always butting in and taking over. I've talked with him about helping me out around the house and it will last for a few days and then it goes right back to me doing everything. I can't live this way and don't know if I'm being over dramatic or if I have a legitimate issue. Does anyone have any experience in this sort of situation and if so, how did you resolve it?


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

You are not over dramatic and it's not an issue that I think you can solve between the both of you. This needs counseling or else .... I'm just afraid that it sounds like your husband is the 'type' of guy that doesn't believe in that.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Your husband is an Ahole. He doesn't like your son because he has always been second place to him. And that is what he should have expected coming in. This situation is exactly why second marriages (with a child from previous) have such an astoundingly high divorce rate. Frankly I don't know why any woman would stay with a controlling ahole of a husband.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your husband is an ass. Good for you for speaking up for yourself. 

Seems to me your son is doing good. Has a job and pays his own way. Maybe, it's time to get him his own place because having you h talking **** to him all the time would not be good for his self-esteem.

Can he get his own place?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm not sure we can tell you how to manage your husband other than to be very frank with him.

"Fix your attitude or I will remove both my son and myself from your life".

Then be prepared to follow through. Perhaps staying a week at a relative's house will open his eyes. Or yours. You can't change your husband unless he wants to change, so give him a little stick and a little carrot. As long as his behavior is acceptable to you, it will remain acceptable to him.


----------



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

My son has been looking at moving out but he wants to put some more money aside so doesn’t have to move back in. He did have a plan to move in with some of his buddies but that fell through. Thank you for your advice, I t’s always nice to get an unbiased opinion. I have no one to talk to about this so this site has been so helpful.


----------



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

I believe you have a valid point about my husband being second to my son. I won’t let any man ruin my relationship with my son. No one should ever have to choose between the two. Thank you for taking the time to respond.


----------



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

I am going to propose we go for counseling and if he doesn’t want to go then I have to make a tough decision to resolve it my own way.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I agree he is an a-hole. And might be a tad jealous of your son. 

Don't allow him to run off your son-- I would be mad too. Some good ideas were posted already and I like the one that if your husband does not change his attitude...then you'll be happy to remove yourself from his life. Actually, can you go on a trip with your son and leave hubby? I know he's 20 but still there might be somewhere that he would like to see-- even relatives. Your son does sound like a good kid and when we have good kids we treat them really well!! I know my husband rolls his eyes when I do things for my boys.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

You need to divorce this guy and save him from a no win situation. I'm going to differ on my comments than what is previously stated. I'm of the opinion that when you marry someone you are saying they're first in your life PERIOD. This guy never had a chance to be your number one and that will drive a man to fight for it. It seems that he thinks he has authority in the marriage because as a husband he should have. Im not sure how him criticizing your son has any affect on your relationship with your son, unless you feel the need to rush in and defend him like he's a child, he's 20, he should be able to handle criticism by now. Let the kid stand on his own two feet for once, actually it would be best for your son if you demanded it. 

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk


----------



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

I totally agree that a husband should be a priority in one's life but that shouldn't mean I should have to choose between the two because my husband keeps putting me in the middle of his petty negative comments. As a mom, you feel inclined to defend your kid, especially if it's unjustified on my husbands part. I can't sit there and listen to the negativity day after day for 14 years and not eventually lose my temper. I do ALOT for my husband and I always put him first but in this case, I don't see where this negativity is stemming from. I by no means treat my husband poorly or disrespectfully and I almost always do put him first. I show him compassion, love and I'm very generous and caring with him. I'll be the first one to speak up if my son is in the wrong and I have, but this has just been going on for so long that I just don't feel he should have to defend himself if it's just nit picking by his own step father. I would never do that to his kids who are also now grown. My husband is a little OCD with his logic and I am more laid back and pick my battles. I have always been this way because having a son with ADHD, you realize they don't think or do things the way we do in all situations, so I would be forever fighting with him if I didn't pick my battles and accept him the way he is. I am not using this as a crutch to defend my son or by no means am I saying I let my son get away with whatever he wants or he is spoiled. I have never spoiled my son and he does not expect anything from me. He pays for everything by himself including a lot of his food and he is respectful to us both. I do have a good relationship with him and I'm not sure why that bothers my husband. My perception of how my husband is behaving and why is because he expects my son and I to think and react like he would, and if we don't then he gets upset and tries to make us do it his way. When we don't obey his every request his way, he picks on my son because he's the easier target. I've seen him take things out on my son when he's mad at me so I know this is actually happening. I think us being apart might help us think clearer and figure out our next steps.


----------



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

I think he is jealous of my son, that's a great point. I don't think he likes to see me do anything for him but I do the same thing for my husband. It's not like I'm neglecting him for my son. I am a pleaser so I love to do things for them both. Hell I even go the extra mile for my dogs - that's just who I am and I've been that way from day one. In fact that's one of the things my husband said he loved about me. I will go the extra mile for my family and close friends. I would rather give than receive so it really hurts me to see him just picking on my son and driving him out of my life. I think it's a alpha male thing but no one is fighting him to be the alpha, just himself!


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ADHD isn't some kind of debilitating disease that renders one helpless and dependent. And it sure isn't an excuse for your 20 year old son to expect his mother to be doing everything for him.

I lived with a guy who had ADHD for 7 years, and he had an amazing amount of energy and hardly ever took a sick day from work. The "H" in ADHD stands for hyper, so how is it he's so lazy and always tired? That doesn't even fit the profile.



> My husband is always telling me what's good for my son and what I'm doing wrong such as washing his clothes or making dinner or picking up a few items for him at the store that he can take to lunch. My son doesn't ask me to do any of this nor does he expect me too, but for some reason, this bugs the living hell out of my husband so he starts up with the negative comments.


You're NOT HELPING your son, you're just crippling him by doing everything for him but chewing his food. Our job as parents is to teach our offspring how to survive in the world when they're grown. We're supposed to be providing them with the tools for their *independence*, not washing their clothes for them, making their bed for them and going to the store to get him treats for his lunch. Jeez.

I'll just say this. My brother's wife is just like you. Constantly over-indulging her supposedly adult 25 year old daughter who STILL lives at home and expects mommy to do everything for her. She doesn't pay rent and her worthless 30 year old boyfriend lives in her room with her. And fool that my sister-in-law IS, she thinks she's a great mother because she caters to this lazy, spoiled brat and doesn't make either of these two losers pay for anything. My brother has considered leaving so many times (and actually did one time) because he's SO done with the bad parenting. They only married 7 years ago and it's not his kid, so he's limited in how much he can put his foot down, unfortunately.

Your husband sounds like a worthless loser if I'm being honest. You should toss HIM out the door first as he's completely worthless and brings nothing to the table. Then, set your son's limit for being able to stay home until he's 25 and start teaching him to be *independent,* and not looking to his mother to do everything for him. I'm telling you, you're doing him NO favors..


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

The fact that you think he's "picking" on your son speaks volumes. 

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Does your husband get mad when you lay out your sons outfits for the next day on his bed too?

Sorry but while you paint your husband as an ass, too much of what you said paints you a babying your son to a disgusting degree and your son being a lazy ass who uses excuses so mommy will do everything for him.

A few questions though to know more

-Why does your son who lives at home need two cars? And as an aside I wouldnt want someones car leaking oil on my damn driveway either.

-Does your son pay rent?

-He couldnt buy the car outright? Im assuming he doesnt pay rent, and he works full time. What bills does he have? Cell phone and auto insurance at most? You make it sound like a big deal you didnt have to co-sign for him.

-You say you pay the bills. Does that mean earn the money for all of them or just writing checks and mailing envelopes? Does husband earn or contribute in anyway? (and they do have auto-pay these days)

-Does your son do any of his own laundry or clean up after himself? 

I could ask more but I just see you treating your son like a CHILD. And your husband as some outsider is trying to drive him away. 

Now I could be wrong and your husband could just be an ass. But we are hearing one side, and I just get the feeling you baby your son way too much, and your husband resents it. Maybe he resents playing second fiddle to a 20 year old in his own house.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sunshine69 said:


> He tells me he's going to kick him out of the house if he doesn't do this or that, and he can't keep his car in the *driveway because it leaks a little bit of oil (the car his dad gave him)*. He doesn't need two cars and he has to get rid of one of them because they *can't both be in the driveway*, especially when winter comes.


I would be getting the oil-leaking car out of my driveway too!

Your husband may be a jerk, but this is not evidence of it.

In fact, it is evidence of disrespect on your son's part. He thinks it is fine to use up driveway space and to pollute it to boot. 

He should park the oil leaker at his own dad's house and see how that flies.

As for a 20-year-old living rent free, supposedly paying "all his bills", that does not make sense. "Bills" typically include living expenses such as rent and car repairs.

I think there is far more to this story on your husband's side than you have aired.

As a mom, you'll defend your kid for ever. Good thing. But not to the point of enabling a 20-year-old to not be responsible for his own stuff.

One more thing, make a deliberate effort to NOT treat your son as a child. You seem to think that running errands for him and cooking for him, etc., is showing your love for him as a mother.

Appropriate if he were age 10. But at 20? Stop doing this regardless of your relationship with your husband.

This bird needs to fly, not hunker down in the nest.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Middle of Everything said:


> Now I could be wrong and your husband could just be an ass. But we are hearing one side, and I just get the feeling you baby your son way too much, and your husband resents it. Maybe he resents playing second fiddle to a 20 year old in his own house.


Second fiddle to a 20 year old? Has the kid been 20 years old for the whole 14 years? And I don't read where you said you lay out his clothes on the bed. There were so many assumptions made that I would otherwise have been interested in the answers to the questions. But, as it were . . .

As far as cooking for your son, it isn't as though you would cook for yourself and your husband and not put the other member of the house in the pot too. But I don't think you should be doing his laundry. Actually, I don't think you are properly preparing your son for life. Being ADHD, there are lots of things he did and will continue to struggle with, but it was and remains your job to better prepare him. Perhaps you should speak with social workers or others who are familiar with his disorder so they can help you get him organized and doing for himself. Even if you have to remind him to do things or write out a daily schedule, you should be making him do for himself. You shouldn't being doing for him. And purchasing snacks for his lunch??? He is not still a child in school. Teach him to fend for himself and buy his own lunch items.

However, there is nothing you do and nothing your son does or doesn't do that justifies your husband belittling, degrading, and bullying you and your son. Your husband is a very big butthole, and I don't understand why you have allowed your son, and yourself, to be treated this way all these years. 



Sunshine69 said:


> I am going to propose we go for counseling and if he doesn’t want to go then I have to make a tough decision to resolve it my own way.


You sound completely uncommitted. You don't have say things just to appease those who responded to you. But you do need to make up your mind and decide to do something about your situation, and decide that first. If you are not willing to get rid of him after he refuses to cooperate in kinder fashion, than don't bother saying you will. Frankly, I think you should leave and then tell him there has to be counseling before you will return. Go to a family or friend's house for a while. You say you pay the bills, but I don't know if that means you have a job or if you are dependent on your husband. If you are dependent on him, then that is the reason he's so abusive and also explains why you have tolerated his abuse. You should work and should have been working to maintain financial security for yourself and your kid, rather than depending on a man for your bread and butter and the roof over your head.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Has the strain between your husband and son always been there or is this since your son turned 18?
Dealing with teenagers is tough, especially if they're not yours.

Did you have any kids together? Also what happened with husband number 1? Was he an involved father who payed child support? 

To be honest, you sound like you're looking for a reason to bounce. Now that your kid is an adult and won't hurt you with getting a replacement. You no longer feel like you need your husband, so your tolerance for his shortcomings are getting to be to much to bear.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I just love all the assumption. I have lived in your shoes with an ADHD daughter. Does your husband understand what this truly means? I spent so many years coaching and teaching my daughter how to live in our world and not hers. It is a true disability. You had your son for better or worse. Your husband is behaving like a jealous child. 

Car wise, I agree that a car that leaks oil needs to be moved. 

Take heart, my daughter is now a teacher and married. I take pride in that because my efforts were well worth having put my life on hold for years.

Counseling might help your husband understand you aren’t doing this to spite him but helping your son to become a man that can stand on his own.






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Tomara said:


> I just love all the assumption. I have lived in your shoes with an ADHD daughter. Does your husband understand what this truly means? I spent so many years coaching and teaching my daughter how to live in our world and not hers. It is a true disability. You had your son for better or worse. Your husband is behaving like a jealous child.
> 
> Car wise, I agree that a car that leaks oil needs to be moved.
> 
> ...


All I see in her post are all the things that she does for her son. How is doing for him helping him or teaching him? It isn't.


----------

