# Tried posting this on reddit deadbedrooms, but it immediately got removed.



## JasonX (Feb 11, 2021)

I feel it is honest without writing a novel. Respond however you feel, the girls are six by the way and ex wife is getting into her mid 50s. 

Here's what I wrote "
My situation is I'm 40, nearly 41. Wife is considerably older, but due to the miracles of modern science was able to use a donor egg. We've been apart for a good 3 years now, but she still wants me back to raise the children. Me stepping out or even divorcing later is not in the cards- in her country divorce is extremely difficult unless she agrees. I was never super physically attracted to her, but as she's aged its pretty much all gone. My daughters are lovely girls though and simply don't understand why I'm not there.
I would consider myself probably low libido for my age as a man- once or twice a week is generally fine, although I recently had a curvacious partner where I seemed to be high libido. Nevertheless I don't know whether it is the plastics or what but there seems to be an obvious drop every 5 years or so. So perhaps I'll be the type that needs viagra in 10 years and all this will seem unimportant.
My concerns on such a reunification are the following-

Will I become sexually odd over the years by denying myself? I had a relative by marriage, good looking sociable guy, his wife was slim and pretty, ended up at 300 not very well distributed pounds after some children. She seemed cheerful he seemed miserable. One day I found out the Feds caught up with him for looking at some bad stuff, let's just say he's still inside after several years. Not that I'm exhonarating him, but his story to the family has consistently been that he was trying to stay faithful to his wife, but he just went down a rabbit hole of porn and started looking at worse and worse things.
I can't imagine going that route myself, but I could imagine myself looking at hard core adult stuff (I avoid all of it for the most part now), possibly seeking out a prostitute on the sly etc or maybe just getting older and losing interest.
I've mentioned to her that things would be completely platonic which she seems fine with, but I'm concerned that with her age and 2 kids she just wants help for the moment, but once I'm actually there she may take offense to me avoiding her. We weren't having relations about the last year, so she does have some clue what that is like, but on the other hand it was pretty obvious we were heading for divorce at that point. She's always been low libido, but had some desire, except for that period of time. She's at the age where menopause should have already hit by now, but she says it has not yet.

I think regardless of our relationship my daughters just want me there, but I am concerned that faking things for years could have maybe a more negative impact than staying away, I'm honestly not sure. I've read both sides from adult children- those that were happy mom and dad stayed together and those that felt lied to.

There are benefits to going back- she's wealthy and I wouldn't have to work full time anyway. (Wealthy or not she wouldn't just let me sit around completely). This is not why we married, it happened within the marriage. As an educator I could help my daughters as they are quite bright. I would say I was high libido in my 20s, average in most of my 30s, and now probably low libido, but it is still something important to me, at the moment. But if I'm not that high at 40 unless I'm with a curvaceous 20 something, where will I be at 50 or 60? Old and alone perhaps?

I hate to add this, but I feel I should be honest, it is not like everything else is perfect besides this. I wouldn't say we are great friends otherwise. We do have some common interests, but other than those sex or no sex I find myself needing some down time from her, but maybe this is common in a marriage? I do wish I had gotten counseling prior to leaving rather than just doing so without any outside help. I feel I either would have managed to stay or moved on for good. Now I'm in limbo.

As bad as those dads are that go out for a beer or whatever and never come back, I kind of feel I would have been better off doing that if I wasn't coming back. I've visited several times, kept in touch via skype etc. This all goes away though if I don't agree to remarry her. And me living in her country nearby isn't an option both because of visa problems and from what she's said she isn't interested in that. She may accept certain things in the marriage, but she won't except the American shared custody style thing, nor will she accept me having a mistress- I tried that.
I guess I'm looking for the positives and the pitfalls of a situation like this, and possibly recommending another sub, I would assume most people on here are at least average libido for their age or they would just put up with it and not post. Sorry if I'm dead wrong on that.

To be fair, I would say I handled the whole relationship badly from getting involved in the first place to having kids (although they are lovely), but I have to deal with reality now, not castigate myself too much on whether or not I was a bad person in my 20s and 30s. Sorry for the novel.

Oh, and lastly I think I should add that since we used donor eggs although my ex is not white our children are. While she agrees there is still a lot of racism in her country, she doesn't seem in a hurry to leave. If I return that would be much more likely to happen, but no guarantees.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Instead of considering moving in with her, it seems to me the normal thing would be to move back close to her and maintain your own place and see the kids regularly. I live in the US and here it's normal to have joint custody of the kids and each parent has them the same amount of time each week and are responsible for them and that way the children don't miss anybody. 

Your point about making a weird atmosphere for the kids living there again is a valid one. They will see a loveless household and think that's what their role model is. I think you should just move back close and then get at least partial custody so that you have the children on a regular basis and have a good influence on them. 

Then each of you can do whatever you want to about sex and relationships.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

It sort of sounds like she wants to "hire" you as a nanny/tutor. You stay at home and take care of the kids.
The price you pay is that you have to marry her again.
You've been gone for three YEARS -- why would she all of a sudden want you back? You say she is rich, so she should be able to hire help for the kids.
Something smells fishy to me.


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## JasonX (Feb 11, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> It sort of sounds like she wants to "hire" you as a nanny/tutor. You stay at home and take care of the kids.
> The price you pay is that you have to marry her again.
> You've been gone for three YEARS -- why would she all of a sudden want you back? You say she is rich, so she should be able to hire help for the kids.
> Something smells fishy to me.


No its nothing new, and she has been hiring various tutors for them, some are okay I think but a lot are unnecessary for their age. Basically she has said the cutoff is this summer, then she will move on. She once suggested she may marry someone else, but this was sometime ago, can't remember exactly but at least six months ago, then hasn't been mentioned since.

The sad thing is my daughters and I don't even speak the same language so even if she is bluffing- I would say the chance of that is a very small percentage, its not going to be long before I no longer understand them (I speak the language but at an intermediate level). Strange she hasn't hired an English tutor which are a dime a dozen in her country.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I don't envy your position it sounds like a lose lose. If you don't move back you lose your kids forever if you move back you're in a bad sexless (or sex with someone you don't want to have sex with) marriage. I would go to pretty extreme lengths to maintain a relationship with my kids. Do you have any kind of legal recourse that you know of. Have you talked to an attorney in her country to see what options you might have to get shared custody? Maybe summers and holidays with you.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

JasonX said:


> No its nothing new, and she has been hiring various tutors for them, some are okay I think but a lot are unnecessary for their age. Basically she has said the cutoff is this summer, then she will move on. She once suggested she may marry someone else, but this was sometime ago, can't remember exactly but at least six months ago, then hasn't been mentioned since.
> 
> The sad thing is my daughters and I don't even speak the same language so even if she is bluffing- I would say the chance of that is a very small percentage, its not going to be long before I no longer understand them (I speak the language but at an intermediate level). Strange she hasn't hired an English tutor which are a dime a dozen in her country.


They don’t speak your language because you were never around. 
Figure out what you want and do it.


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## JasonX (Feb 11, 2021)

Unfortunately outside of America the idea of shared custody is pretty much non-existent. Generally kids just stay with their mom and dad is completely out of the picture, although in a few dad takes custody. I have zero legal recourse besides getting her agreement (not legal, just her word) to visit, although with corona even if she agrees it is impossible at the moment.

What I'm more interested in in your comment is that you said you would go to extreme lengths to see your kids. Would you consider this extreme or too extreme or maybe something you would deal with? I know even around age 16 is a pretty important formative time, so I think I would be stuck until at least 18- another 13 years! But maybe I'm a selfish you know what if there are a lot of fathers that would put up with sexlessness in order to raise their children.


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