# Question for Men



## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

This is just a random question I've been wondering for awhile. No special reason and I am not looking down on anyone. Simply curious. 

When a man is married and he is having an affair..say you met on the computer and got together real time, does he just look at the Women he is having an affair with as a sexual play thing and doesn't think of her any other then that way or could he have actual feelings for her?

This is something that happened in the past and I thought this would be the perfect place to ask since I've often wondered about it.

Thank you for your time and honesty


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It can be just play and no feelings attached.

And it could be the other. Depends on the person.

I'm SURE some men go into it with no feelings but fall as intimacy comes into a picture too.

There is no one rule. But I think the big question is WHY they cheated rather than what happened after. 

And the answer to that can be pretty broad as well.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I happen to believe that gender aside those who cheat have a character flaw that makes them the most important thing. So regardless of male or female they only use others becuase that's what they are. They are always priority number one in thier own world. Some minor exceptions but as general rule


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It's about him. 
That could be any number of things. It might be just sex, or a particular kind of sex. It might be about finding that spark again. It might be an escape from his daily grind. It might be a longing of the past and the unknown. So many things they feel they've somehow 'lost' in their current plight.

But it is always about him (or her if its a female cheater).


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

misty rain said:


> This is just a random question I've been wondering for awhile. No special reason and I am not looking down on anyone. Simply curious.
> 
> When a man is married and he is having an affair..say you met on the computer and got together real time, does he just look at the Women he is having an affair with as a sexual play thing and doesn't think of her any other then that way or could he have actual feelings for her?
> 
> ...


I think it depends on how they met. Certain people inhabit certain sites. And it depends on what they talk about. If the conversation revolves around what you'd like to do to each other in bed, or what your significant others are NOT doing to you, then the probability that you'll end up in a physical affair is quite large.

On the other hand if you talk mainly about trivia, vent about relatives, go on about favorite foods, etc., then there might not be any physical component to it at all.

If a physical affair does start, one or both partners could regard it as only sex. That usually comes clear in the run-up to actually meeting. The problem is that only sex type sex often generates stronger feelings, especially over time. Even so, those feelings might exist in only one of the two partners.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think there are several types of affairs. Some are purely about sex. Some start as emotional affairs that then drift into physical ones - or may remain emotional.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Some just want sex. Some hope that the affair is going to fill the physical and emotional need, then find out it's not, especially if the relationship turns out to be shallow.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There's no telling what's going on in his mind and it really doesn't matter. What's happening is the woman is hooking up with a man who has proven to be deceptive and unfaithful and that's kind of a bad way to start a relationship.


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> There's no telling what's going on in his mind and it really doesn't matter. What's happening is the woman is hooking up with a man who has proven to be deceptive and unfaithful and that's kind of a bad way to start a relationship.


That's true...good point.


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

I'm actually pretty amazed at how many men in here are looking down on an affair. I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all..just in my experience, I have a hard time believing there is anyone out there (Males and Females) that are truly loyal to one person. I think we as humans are always looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Hoping the grass will be greener on the other side but truly knowing deep down...it's not. 
I don't know...My first husband met a women online when we were married and had two young kids. He ended up moving across the Country and left the kids and I. I had so much anger and resentment towards him. Then the kids grew up and had kids of their own and he decided it was ok to move back here again. Yes he is still with the Women he left me for and now that I look at it..they are much better for each other then we ever were. He just really did his kids injustice by taking away their dad.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I think it would depend on what kind of marriage the person has. I love my wife and do NOT want to cheat on her. However, given the right circumstances, I am certain I would\could be tempted to cheat. For me, it would be 100% physical sex interest BECAUSE I love and want to stay with my wife.
Forbidden fruit. I don't want it to be my long term diet, just a bite is all I want. However, since I have never cheated, it's hard to say what tasting the "fruit" would do to me long term. I guess that's why it's forbidden.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Then true answer lies in contentment. We have evolved to understand wanting. We therefore want. We should have evolved the understanding that wanting, for the purpose of wanting alone, is dangerous and counterproductive but sadly we have not. Therefore, lacking the ability to understand being satiated, we constantly seek that which we do not need even to our own peril.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
the times I have thought about / come close to cheating, it has been because of things lacking in my relationship at home. Those "things" were a bunch of inter-related issues: lack of sex. lack or respect, lack of affection. 

When it seemed that I could get all of those things somewhere else, it was very tempting. Sex by itself would not have been appealing - if that is what I wanted, I would have just hired a call girl.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Two quick comments for you to consider.

First, it is called "making love" for a reason. Repeated intimate contact results in bonding. That is the way our bodies/minds are programmed.

Second, people are individuals and motivated by many many different things and have different circumstances. What might be the case for man with a wife in an 24/7 Alzheimers intensive care living facility would be totally different for man who just wants to cheat to get even with his wife for some dumb reason. I don't think that you will find any hard and fast rules.

Some things are best not to contemplate. Opening the door is the first step to going through it.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

People who cheat are cowards, sorry to be blunt. If you even contemplate cheating, then you deem your marriage a failure, whether it's your fault or theirs doesn't matter. Divorce first and then have all the sex you want with other people. The fact that I was cheated on bestowed me this attitude. My ex did it with a mutual friend because it was "dangerous". It was with her best friends newly divorced ex husband. She secretly met up with him nightly until I decided to follow her and caught her red handed. He stood there quietly while I tore into her, again cowardly, if he really felt something for her. After we divorced, the danger wore off and they were alone again. He has been divorced twice and she is still single and turning 50. You reap what you sow!!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

woundedwarrior said:


> People who cheat are cowards, sorry to be blunt. If you even contemplate cheating, then you deem your marriage a failure, whether it's your fault or theirs doesn't matter. Divorce first and then have all the sex you want with other people.


Seems a little black & white to me. I can think of a number of situations where lets hypothesizing you want to financially support through your health insurance the mother of your children during a critical-terminal illness that lasts years you stray. Would it be better to take a vow of celibacy until she dies? Possibly, but becoming a martyr isn't always best. 



Young at Heart said:


> ...What might be the case for man with a wife in an 24/7 Alzheimers intensive care living facility would be totally different....


Let's say your wife is totally out of it or to make it easier in a comma on life support with no hope of recovery? Would you really feel honorable in divorcing her in such a condition? Would you feel honorable in good that she had no means of support other than public assistance and got the lowest possible level of care after the divorce? 

Life can be much more complicated. I am sorry that your wife obviously hurt you, but little in life is quite a cut and dried from my 66 year perspective.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> Seems a little black & white to me. I can think of a number of situations where lets hypothesizing you want to financially support through your health insurance the mother of your children during a critical-terminal illness that lasts years you stray. Would it be better to take a vow of celibacy until she dies? Possibly, but becoming a martyr isn't always best.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Cheating is always low and cowardly. Marriage is for the brave and high minded. Many, obviously, are only cut out for brothels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I guess with all the talk of evolution leading to cheating I realized why it is such an unexplainable enigma to me..... I am not evolved. Caveman rule!&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

It could be either or both each case is different
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I guess with all the talk of evolution leading to cheating I realized why it is such an unexplainable enigma to me..... I am not evolved. Caveman rule!��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol: Sadly CH, none of us have evolved sufficiently.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

misty rain said:


> This is just a random question I've been wondering for awhile. No special reason and I am not looking down on anyone. Simply curious.
> 
> When a man is married and he is having an affair..say you met on the computer and got together real time, does he just look at the Women he is having an affair with as a sexual play thing and doesn't think of her any other then that way or could he have actual feelings for her?
> 
> ...


My ex met almost all of his affair partners online. He liked doing it that way because he found them on sites where people were looking for sexting/cybersex, so he got the attention that he wanted in the way he wanted. It wasn't about sex - it was about sexually using a woman, because that is what he believes women exist for. He didn't even need proof that the person he was talking to was female - he just needed to think they were.

If anyone's read "Why Does He DO That?" his abuser type was a mix of Drill Sergeant, The Player, and The Water Torturer. Women are objects who were put on earth to be controlled and used by him. He is starting to be just as sh*tty to our daughter now that she's almost a teenager. 

I don't think most people who have an affair are abusers, but most of them have checked out of caring about their partner's feelings.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Racer said:


> *It might be about finding that spark again.* It might be an escape from his daily grind. It might be a longing of the past and the unknown. So many things they feel they've somehow 'lost' in their current plight.
> 
> But it is always about him (or her if its a female cheater).


I would say it's this.

As a married man (on marriage #2 now, and pretty much the past 20 years in committed relationships) I can generally say that I've never had a purely sexual interest in anybody other than who I'm with.

What I DID find in my previous marriage, was that when things got bad, I didn't mind other women being flirty with me, at all. This helped fill the gap that my ex wife was not filling. I never cheated, obviously, but I did come to understand the how's and why's of it all.

Had I been weaker, or less principled, I can imagine that is why I would have cheated - to feel wanted again. She desired sex, so that need was filled, but she treated me poorly in every other aspect of our relationship.

My current wife fills these needs in every way but sexual (and even then, it's not a sexless marriage, it's just an incompatibility issue). So she fills my needs for being wanted, as a partner but not sexually.

So: first wife, sex but emotionally distant and mentally abusive = me accepting of other women's attention.

Current wife, little sex, but emotionally fulfilling and good relationship = me not at all interested or accepting of other women's attention.

Summary: for me, a non-cheater, thankfully, it would be for lack of emotional needs being filled, not sexual.


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

Why do men cheat?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ConflictedAboutItAll said:


> Why do men cheat?


Mostly the same as why women do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

I have never cheated so the response doesn't mean much to me. My assumption would be that the needs of the person is not being met whether it be emotionally or physically. 

It seems to me cheating potential develops when needs aren't being met inside the marriage. But that is my assumption - Am I that far off?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening conflictedaboutitall
I didn't cheat, but very well might have. I spent 25 years with my wife almost never being willing to have sex with me, while at the same time there were a number of other women who were very obviously attracted to me. 

I loved my wife and so didn't want to divorce her - she really would have taken it very badly. The lack of sex wasn't really her fault - she is a very low-desire person - something I was too young / inexperienced to recognize when we were married. She didn't believe is was a problem and wasn't interested in fixing it. 

So yes, I thought long and hard about cheating - as a way to get the sexual intimacy that was otherwise missing from my life. 

Our sex life finally did get better, but I sometimes regret NOT cheating, and missing so much in my life. 




ConflictedAboutItAll said:


> Why do men cheat?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> Seems a little black & white to me. I can think of a number of situations where lets hypothesizing you want to financially support through your health insurance the mother of your children during a critical-terminal illness that lasts years you stray. Would it be better to take a vow of celibacy until she dies? Possibly, but becoming a martyr isn't always best.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This story drops panties on married and single women. It also allows those who know the married, to look the other way and justify not telling the spouse being cheated on or their family. 

You must have experience.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> This story drops panties on married and single women. It also allows those who know the married, to look the other way and justify not telling the spouse being cheated on or their family.
> 
> You must have experience.


My experience is being 66 years old and seeing some relatives and older friends deal with horrible situations. 

A close friend of the family had Alzheimers. She died a horrible death. Her husband struggled with caring for her at home, until she no longer recognized him and would not allow him to care for her. 

Then he had to institutionalize her. It destroyed him financially and emotionally, but she was the love of his life and the mother of his children. It is hard to see an old friend in that much pain and being destroyed. He never really recoverd after her death. 

I saw another couple I know have a wife going into a full Mid Life crisis and run away from her husband with a jerk when she got breast cancer and decided she needed to live. The affair ended she got better and she eventually came back to her husband. I never really knew what happened when she left him, but I have suspicions. After she came back she relapsed and faded away. He bounced back and is now remarried to close friend of his wife whose husband died of a heart attack. They are both very happy people and their adult children are happy that they are both happy and living a good life.

Is cheating good? No. Have I seen enough to know that I shouldn't cast the first stone? Yes. 

Should one drop pants/panties at the first, second, third, or fourth excuse/opportunity....Hell no.

Can I understand others putting up absolute moral fences to protect themselves from inner fears/temptations? Yes.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> My experience is being 66 years old and seeing some relatives and older friends deal with horrible situations.
> 
> A close friend of the family had Alzheimers. She died a horrible death. Her husband struggled with caring for her at home, until she no longer recognized him and would not allow him to care for her.
> 
> ...







> Is cheating good? No. Have I seen enough to know that I shouldn't cast the first stone? Yes.


In other words, it's the only choice in some cases? There is no choice to divorce first, only the choice to have sex with someone other than your spouse? I always seem to see at least two choices. There are more many times. There are at least two. In anything, there is a choice to do something or not. I could answer your post or ignore it. See how I come to this conclusion? I made a third choice. I answered what I wanted. And, I'm not all that smart, either. I'm just wingin' it here, pretty much. 

Stones? I haven't condemned anyone to prison or capital punishment, or incarceration of any kind. I haven't turned even my cheating wife in for anything. She cheated. I didn't. What stones and judgment do you speak of? Is telling it like it is a judgment? Is that how grievous the offense is, that folks feel like they have been judged when it's talked about? If so, I can understand why so many are ready to justify and make excuses. I can understand why they think they are being judged. 

You know what that is? It ain't judgment. It's guilt! They feel guilty for doing what they did. It's that simple really. 



> Should one drop pants/panties at the first, second, third, or fourth excuse/opportunity....Hell no.


What I meant was, I'll bet there are quite a few men who have told women a sad story like that, whether true or not and gotten further, with a little more conversation, a few compliments and some alcohol. I've actually been told by a guy I know that he has done something similar. 



> Can I understand others putting up absolute moral fences to protect themselves from inner fears/temptations? Yes.


I'm not sure what you mean by this. Who is fearing or afraid to be tempted by what? It's a choice. That's it. There is no magic. Sometimes it's fear that causes one to cheat. Sometimes it's fear that causes one to hang onto the marriage. Still, one is breaking vows they made and the other isn't. Reasons aside, isn't that the ground floor? Isn't that the base upon which we are talking. All else is an excuse, either to stay faithful or to cheat.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

misty rain said:


> I'm actually pretty amazed at how many men in here are looking down on an affair. I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all..just in my experience, I have a hard time believing there is anyone out there (Males and Females) that are truly loyal to one person. I think we as humans are always looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Hoping the grass will be greener on the other side but truly knowing deep down...it's not.
> I don't know...My first husband met a women online when we were married and had two young kids. He ended up moving across the Country and left the kids and I. I had so much anger and resentment towards him. Then the kids grew up and had kids of their own and he decided it was ok to move back here again. Yes he is still with the Women he left me for and now that I look at it..they are much better for each other then we ever were. He just really did his kids injustice by taking away their dad.


I haven't been unfaithful to mine and I expect a majority of married partners are faithful. Everybody gets tempted but running around is pretty illogical. If you were forming an elite military unit to embark on a very hazardous mission and you needed someone you could trust with your life, would you intentionally recruit someone who had gone AWOL from the enemy ranks? Would you hire an employee who had stolen from their previous employer? Chatting up a cheater is exactly as stupid as either of these two courses of action. You know damned well they are lying to their spouse, being disloyal, unfaithful, risking the loss of their family, etc. If their spouse can't trust them, how could you? I don't believe anyone just happens to get into an affair. You have to deliberately choose to talk to someone, deliberately choose to talk about inappropriate things with them, deliberately choose to meet them, choose to be alone with them, etc, etc, etc. It's not hard to be faithful. Just don't make those choices that end up in an affair. It's a lot easier to be faithful than to deal with the drama and stress that comes with an affair.


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## The Romance Guy (Nov 25, 2014)

misty rain said:


> When a man is married and he is having an affair...does he just look at the Women he is having an affair with as a sexual play thing and doesn't think of her any other then that way or could he have actual feelings for her?


It's calculated that about 50% of married men will have at least one affair Misty. And these men will have that affair for a variety of reasons, such as:

--their friends may be having affairs,
--they hear about celebrities having affairs, 
--they watch movies that include passionate affairs.

And the more common something is, the more people tend to think it's all right (even though it's not).

And then there's testosterone; higher levels may play a role. High testosterone levels causes one to have a higher libido, be more aggressive & take more risks. And since a man's testosterone level is higher than a woman's, some men stray.

And there's also a possibility the sex may be boring & routine with his mate & so he strays looking for more passion & exciting sex.

There's much more to say about this topic, but this should be enough to get you thinking.

The Romance Guy


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

misty rain said:


> This is just a random question I've been wondering for awhile. No special reason and I am not looking down on anyone. Simply curious.
> 
> When a man is married and he is having an affair..say you met on the computer and got together real time, does he just look at the Women he is having an affair with as a sexual play thing and doesn't think of her any other then that way or could he have actual feelings for her?
> 
> ...


*Has actual feelings for her *if they started out as friends, sharing their problems and found out they have a lot in common, etc. Those take time if one or both are in a relationship and a guy isn't going to hang around that long if it's just for sex or he could find a hooker or go on CL or POF.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ConflictedAboutItAll said:


> I have never cheated so the response doesn't mean much to me. My assumption would be that the needs of the person is not being met whether it be emotionally or physically.
> 
> It seems to me cheating potential develops when needs aren't being met inside the marriage. But that is my assumption - Am I that far off?


Yes. Trying to pigeonhole a single reason why people cheat neglects all the variable of the person. Plenty of people in good marriages have one night stands on boys or girls nights out as just one example.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

A mans blueprint is to impregnate as many women as possible thereby ensuring the continuation of the species. We are but mere animals!

Being serious now; I think men cheat for exactly the same reasons that women cheat. 
We all have our needs and desires...if these are not being met 'at home' then I believe we are far more likely to wander.

There are many threads on TAM, from both husbands and wifes, complaining that their spouse is LD, doesnt understand his or her sexual and or emotional needs. 
Many of you ask 'why stay? Leave'. Sometimes it isn't quite as simple as that; there are children involved, mortgages etc etc.

Many will stay in a sexless marriage becaue of their love for their children....some will get their sexual and possibly emotional needs met elsewhere. Its life.

I'm certainly not saying its right but those of you who are lucky enough to be in a marriage where all your needs are met and where you meet all your spouses needs should perhaps try to be a little more understanding and maybe less critical (eg. 'weak cowards') of people who are in marriages where those needs are not met.

A homeless and penniless person steals a loaf of bread from a store because he has not eaten in three days and is hungry. Is he guilty of theft? Yes.....but you can understand WHY he committed the 'offence'....


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I haven't been unfaithful to mine and I expect a majority of married partners are faithful. Everybody gets tempted but running around is pretty illogical. If you were forming an elite military unit to embark on a very hazardous mission and you needed someone you could trust with your life, would you intentionally recruit someone who had gone AWOL from the enemy ranks? Would you hire an employee who had stolen from their previous employer? *Chatting up a cheater is exactly as stupid as either of these two courses of action. You know damned well they are lying to their spouse, being disloyal, unfaithful, risking the loss of their family, etc. If their spouse can't trust them, how could you? I don't believe anyone just happens to get into an affair. You have to deliberately choose to talk to someone, deliberately choose to talk about inappropriate things with them, deliberately choose to meet them, choose to be alone with them, etc, etc, etc.* It's not hard to be faithful. Just don't make those choices that end up in an affair. It's a lot easier to be faithful than to deal with the drama and stress that comes with an affair.


*Unless, of course, you're my rich, skanky, XW, who was an absolute master at deceit in keeping her distant, out-of-town trysts as quiet and unsuspecting as possible, until due investigation ensued long after the separation began! 

But then again, she knew exactly what kind of a loving, trusting dupe that she had for a husband!

Her mantra was largely, "Smoke'em if you got'em!" But, trust me, she was definitely smokin' 'em alright~ just not her husbands, and never at home!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

The Romance Guy said:


> It's calculated that about 50% of married men will have at least one affair Misty. And these men will have that affair for a variety of reasons, such as:
> 
> --their friends may be having affairs,
> --they hear about celebrities having affairs,
> ...


*The same can be said for the female species ~ and in most instances, even more so!*


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *The same can be said for the female species ~ and in most instances, even more so!*


In life, sometimes you are the statue and sometimes you are the pigeon.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Cheating is an interesting topic, a theme which I'd say is in the subconsciousness of this site.

Make enough, rigid, laws and someone is bound to break them.

Polygamy has been an acceptable practice in some parts of the world through sometimes in history. And then there was the practice of keeping slaves and concubines.

In Tibet, a woman married to a man ends up being a spouse to all men in the household.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4yjrDSvze0&list=PL3BA8EC4DC179AD59&index=1

In Sahara, switching partners is celebrated and women are the ones who initiate and have leverage.

BBC NEWS | Africa | Sahara women relish their rights

In Kyrgyzstan, the practice of abducting a girl for marriage :rofl:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKAusMNTNnk

A deceitful person is a deceitful person, be it as a spouse, friend, neighbor or even someone you sit next t on a bus.

Can a bad person be a good spouse, or a good person be a bad spouse?

The answers can vary, as many as there are people on the planet, if we go into minute details of it. World and its many wonders.

Nothing is perfect in this world. So when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ChristianGrey said:


> *Cheating is an interesting topic, a theme which I'd say is in the subconsciousness of this site.*


*Moreso from the Christian perspective, I'd greatly be forced to say! ~ No pun intended!*


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ChristianGrey said:


> Cheating is an interesting topic, a theme which I'd say is in the subconsciousness of this site.
> 
> Make enough, rigid, laws and someone is bound to break them.
> 
> ...


So, women would be okay having several husbands, but not okay with a husband having several wives? Maybe I'm reading too much into that?

I think "good", and "bad" are relative terms. Their relationships are in terms of the overall picture, because no one is perfect. Still, there must be something we compare good and bad with, to determine those. I guess we would need something that is the "ideal", to do it properly? Whatever that is would have to be made up in our heads by ruling authorities, so we are left with laws that are fallible and rules that are fallible. What's left, anarchy? I guess there is some kind of solution. I just don't see it in the secular world.

My wife was cheating throughout the marriage and I tried to make lemonade. It's really tough to do. I guess if I swapped places with the AP, I might have felt differently. I wonder if he would have felt differently? Do you think he would have tried to stop the affair or make lemonade? Maybe it's directly due to the fact that we have an institution called marriage that he felt he needed to prop his manhood with screwing my wife and making me look like dirt? Do away with marriage. Let each take responsibility for their own actions, instead of forcing them, by secular and religious laws to be "bad", or "good". Maybe that is the solution? Whom do those laws benefit, anyway?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

askari said:


> A mans blueprint is to impregnate as many women as possible thereby ensuring the continuation of the species. We are but mere animals!
> 
> Being serious now; I think men cheat for exactly the same reasons that women cheat.
> We all have our needs and desires...if these are not being met 'at home' then I believe we are far more likely to wander.
> ...


That's really a bad analogy. I think it would be more like this.

A man is hungry. He has no flour or yeast to make his bread. He needs bread to give him the vitamins and minerals he doesn't get in meat and vegetables. He will survive, but won't be as healthy as his neighbor who has all of those. 

He can go to the store and buy the ingredients. Bring them home and mix them in the proper proportions with water from his well. Let them rise; bake and eat them when they are cooled.

He can also go to the market and steal them from a merchant. Either way, he gets what he needs. 

One scenario gives him more than just nourishment for his body. 

The other gives him what his body needs, but takes away from his mind, time to prepare so he doesn't get caught. Makes him lie to his children and wife, for they know he can afford a loaf of bread. Makes him hide the bread from strangers, for they know he does not know how to bake, and they did not see him at the market on Monday and Thursday, the only days to buy fresh bread. His children know, but are told to keep silent, or they might lose their father, whom they love dearly.

The third choice is to go to the market and buy bread. He can take his children and teach them the value of work and money. He can introduce them to the folks who sell the bread and they can learn a little about honesty, friendship, etcetera. 

Interesting thoughts?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
If you want to push the food analogy:

There are some men who's wives feed them delicious healthy food, but who decide that they still want a candy-bar. 

There are other men who's wives refuse to feed them, but then become irate when they eat somewhere else.

(same applies with genders reversed)

I have no sympathy for someone who cheats when their partner is providing for their needs for love, intimacy and sex at home. I do have a lot of sympathy for someone who cheats because their partner refuses them these things.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> If you want to push the food analogy:
> 
> There are some men who's wives feed them delicious healthy food, but who decide that they still want a candy-bar.
> ...


Better to steal the bread than buy it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This stuff is really simple. There really are only two choices, fidelity or infidelity. All else is just an excuse to justify one of those choices. 

In my own case, I was told here that my lack of desire for sex was the cause of my ex's infidelity. B U L Lcrap. She easily could have left. She made more money than me and she had money saved. I had none saved. 

Also, once she cheated, why stay in the marriage for years after? I ask because women post about how the decision to be unfaithful and/or just have sex is made long before the sex. I know there are aberrations, but this is the most common suggestion. 

In my case, there were no young children to care for. Her daughter was nineteen(maybe older when the first instance occurred) and had a job. It paid more than mine. So, how can one say that in my case? I don't think infidelity, rather than divorce can be justified in her case. Unless, you consider that she wanted to use me to avoid the tough choice of leaving and then finding someone else. 

Edit: Ex's credit score was high enough she could be approved for an apartment or mortgage for a house of her own and she could have easily afforded it with her daughter, who had to live with us.  And, her daughter paid no rent to us or had to do anything, but chose to wash her own clothes and keep her bedroom a little clean. All else was provided. Although she rarely ate with us, except when she was home on the weekends she didn't want to go out(sick or tummy ache due to her cycle).

Do you think those things would help add to desire for a spouse or detract? I could not move. I didn't have the finances, or the credit rating to be approved for a mortgage. Do you think I did not know, by her actions, her emotions, her distance, etcetera, that she was more than likely being unfaithful? What do you think I could have done without concrete evidence, to get her out? Ask her repeatedly to go to counseling and share with me? I did that. Talk with her and do what I could to get her to open up? I did that. How long would it take for a fully healthy man to break down? My health took a hit, slowly. Would you try to get that daughter out of the home? I did, by talkiing with my ex. 

Nothing else really makes sense. It doesn't make life any easier unless she did not care. So, you can throw out the idea that she had to because she was being starved of sex. She was getting it. She even had two places to go besides home, to be unfaithful. One was at her brother's house. The other was an apartment he rented and furnished just for those activities. He told me himself, since I asked in wonder, because he owned a nice home. 

I don't see it at all. No one has to be unfaithful. It's a choice. They believed it to be easier than the alternatives.


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## homerjay (Dec 12, 2014)

misty rain said:


> This is just a random question I've been wondering for awhile. No special reason and I am not looking down on anyone. Simply curious.
> 
> When a man is married and he is having an affair..say you met on the computer and got together real time, does he just look at the Women he is having an affair with as a sexual play thing and doesn't think of her any other then that way or could he have actual feelings for her?
> 
> ...


Inall honesty...both.

A mistress canbe for both sexual and romantic needs.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

What if the bread shop refuses to sell to you, and you are not allowed to go to any other shop?



2ntnuf said:


> Better to steal the bread than buy it.


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## homerjay (Dec 12, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Two quick comments for you to consider.
> 
> First, it is called "making love" for a reason. Repeated intimate contact results in bonding. That is the way our bodies/minds are programmed.
> 
> ...


exactly. Reasons for cheating are complex.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> So, women would be okay having several husbands, but not okay with a husband having several wives? Maybe I'm reading too much into that?
> 
> I think "good", and "bad" are relative terms. Their relationships are in terms of the overall picture, because no one is perfect. Still, there must be something we compare good and bad with, to determine those. I guess we would need something that is the "ideal", to do it properly? Whatever that is would have to be made up in our heads by ruling authorities, so we are left with laws that are fallible and rules that are fallible. What's left, anarchy? I guess there is some kind of solution. I just don't see it in the secular world.
> 
> My wife was cheating throughout the marriage and I tried to make lemonade. It's really tough to do. I guess if I swapped places with the AP, I might have felt differently. I wonder if he would have felt differently? Do you think he would have tried to stop the affair or make lemonade? Maybe it's directly due to the fact that we have an institution called marriage that he felt he needed to prop his manhood with screwing my wife and making me look like dirt? Do away with marriage. Let each take responsibility for their own actions, instead of forcing them, by secular and religious laws to be "bad", or "good". Maybe that is the solution? Whom do those laws benefit, anyway?


Not advocating anything, just highlighting the different norms and culture around the world. I only posted those examples as thought many would not know about them as Mormons and polygamous men are more common knowledge. 

I know its tough to go through that but are you going to let that misfortune influence the rest of your life or try to look for something better?

_"I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." _


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

misty rain said:


> He just really did his kids injustice by taking away their dad.


This is the lowest. Its bad enough to trash your marriage but to walk away from your kids is just disgusting.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> What if the bread shop refuses to sell to you, and you are not allowed to go to any other shop?


How would that happen?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

misty rain said:


> When a man is married and he is having an affair..say you met on the computer and got together real time, does he just look at the Women he is having an affair with as a sexual play thing and doesn't think of her any other then that way or could he have actual feelings for her?


I think it depends. 

For some it may just be about sex. For others, an emotional attachment may develop.

But you used the word "affair," not a one-off cheating or sleeping with an escort, and to me, an affair denotes some kind of relationship.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 2ntuf

You are married, have kids you love. Your wife / husband decides that they don't want to have sex anymore, or only very rarely and in a bad mechanical fashion. They don't want an open marriage, they don't see why you should want sex either - that "isn't something normal people do". They won't go to counseling. Nothing you do will change their opinion - they think YOU are the one with a problem. 

You can divorce, tearing apart a loving family. (you love each other and your kids). 

You can live like a monk / nun for the rest of your life. (while your love turns to resentment and hate)

You can have an affair - with someone else in the same situation in their lives. 


I wish this was a purely theoretical situation, but it isn't. Many people here have lived this. 





2ntnuf said:


> How would that happen?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening 2ntuf
> 
> You are married, have kids you love. Your wife / husband decides that they don't want to have sex anymore, or only very rarely and in a bad mechanical fashion. They don't want an open marriage, they don't see why you should want sex either - that "isn't something normal people do". They won't go to counseling. Nothing you do will change their opinion - they think YOU are the one with a problem.
> 
> ...


Couldn't have said it better myself.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ChristianGrey said:


> Not advocating anything, just highlighting the different norms and culture around the world. I only posted those examples as thought many would not know about them as Mormons and polygamous men are more common knowledge.
> 
> I know its tough to go through that but are you going to let that misfortune influence the rest of your life or try to look for something better?
> 
> _"I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." _


I don't know. So far, from what I have read here at TAM, It's pretty likely very few men or women have never had an affair or cheated, even in a serious dating style relationship. I hope you can understand why I would have a deep aversion for even those who consider themselves to be former wayward spouses. Sorry to those who have put in the effort. I suppose I could accept those situations if I was a wayward spouse, or even cheated on a woman I was dating, ever. 

It's tough for me to understand even a little, and I know anyone I date will not be honest. And, I know it's not really my business what was in a woman's past. How do you trust them, then? Don't tell me everyone is different. You can't know what anyone is capable of doing unless you talk about past, or wait until it happens again. I know it's just a matter of time before they get pissed enough about something I would think is innocuous, enough to cheat. It's what happens. 

I don't like thinking that I am one of a number of men, a woman I am dating is sleeping with. I hope that is understandable. It's unlikely I would be one of very few in the world, from what I have read here at TAM. 

So, what is a guy like me supposed to do? Learn how to cheat and get used to it so that it doesn't bother him? What I have learned about things that bother me from counseling is just that. You push through your fears as best you can. So, I have to go out and find a woman, date her and sleep with others whether committed or not, just to get over this? 

You may think that's crazy, but there are respected former waywards here who have done just exactly that. It may not have been exactly what their spouse did to them, but it was close enough, for the BS to feel like they evened the score. That's how many a BS gets over it and moves into reconciliation. I am not looking for reconciliation. I am just stating that as an example of getting past fear when that fear is related to being cheated on. 

So far, I haven't read or even experienced anything in real life that is any better. I think if I could crush those who did this to me, I would feel much better and think I was free from the chains they have created and I believe in, which are only a figment of my imagination. Otherwise, I do not think I can move on. 

I have even had women come on to me so strongly, they frightened me. It was just like folks her post. Sex meant nothing to them except a need to be met. I was so turned off, I wanted to run from the women who gave me that impression. I was disgusted, sickened and even angry that they thought I might be just like them. It's like they don't understand me at all, and never did. 

What is so strange about that is, my ex must never ever have understood me, or she just did not think I ever told the truth about who I was/am. That is so utterly confusing, it's really tough to put into words. It makes me realize that she made a huge mistake and then blamed it on me, while I only told the truth, which she refused to or could not believe due to me being so unique, she never met anyone like me. 

Also, it sort of explains the allure. I'm not like other men she knew, and there were many. So, she was intrigued enough to stay till she figured out who I was. Then, once she thought she had a handle on me, she ran because she was afraid of what it truly meant to commit, deeply love, and only give herself to one person. It was too much vulnerability for her to handle. 

So, she truly cannot love me the way I loved her. She is incapable. The funny thing is, I don't think I can find that in anyone. I think it's too late. The only option would be for me to change who I am fundamentally. I do not believe I can do that. I am grossed out by the thoughts. 

That also helps explain why others look at me and don't understand. 

No, I don't think I will ever live again. I don't think it is possible for me. So, all I can say is, thank you to those who helped place me here, and I know I had a huge part to play, 33.3333% actually. 2/3 of you never understood and never will.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening 2ntuf
> 
> You are married, have kids you love. Your wife / husband decides that they don't want to have sex anymore, or only very rarely and in a bad mechanical fashion. They don't want an open marriage, they don't see why you should want sex either - that "isn't something normal people do". They won't go to counseling. Nothing you do will change their opinion - they think YOU are the one with a problem.
> 
> ...


So, you agree that you have choices. That is good.

An affair will tear apart the marriage, just as a divorce. The trouble is, the divorce can be and usually is less harmful. So, instead of teaching the one's you love, your children, that it's okay to stay and go through the motions, when you don't love someone, I think it's better for all if you divorce. 

It's pretty simple really. It's true that there is much less harm done all around, if you divorce rather than cheat. Will you see your chldren less? Yes. Better for them to live the truth than a lie. Life is not a bed of roses and sometimes it's better for them to learn how to handle the tough things than to sweep them under the rug. They will suffer less. You will suffer more. Do you love them or love yourself more?


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