# My Husband Wont Masturbate in Front of me



## 4yearsnokids (Mar 26, 2014)

A few things

1. My husband won't masturbate in front of me. He does it only when I'm not in the house. He won't even let me give him a hand job. Once, when we were long distance, he masturbated via webcam while I stimulated him visually. But, now that we live together he just won't. And he won't say why, I've asked. Has anyone experienced this?

2. Is it wrong that I feel bad when he masturbates instead of having sex with me. He doesn't initiate sex, but, when I'm gone. He masturbates. I don't understand. Why doesn't he just ask me to have sex? I'm perfectly willing, and he knows this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

1. I don't understand why he won't answer you. 
2. No you're not wrong to feel bad if he only masturbates and never has sex with you.


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## 4yearsnokids (Mar 26, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> 1. I don't understand why he won't answer you.
> 2. No you're not wrong to feel bad if he only masturbates and never has sex with you.


I know no one's going to be able to KNOW why he won't do it in front of me. I was asking if anyone had ever experienced anything similar. Or, if there's another thread that might explore the topic. I literally can't even dream up a reason why he won't do it...and I'm wondering if the reason is something bad. He doesn't NOT answer by the way...he just doesn't know why himself, or, so he says.

He doesn't only masturbate. We have plenty of sex, and it's very good. I just feel like, I don't know, like he's supposed to be giving all of his sexual life to me...but he's not.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I don't masturbate in front of my wife nor do I have the desire to do so. IDK, it seems like it's something I don't feel comfortable doing. She doesn't ask me to do it, I don't tell her when I do it but I'm sure she thinks I do from time to time. Normally my wife and I are very open in communication, but we don't talk about masturbation and porn usage.

IDK, maybe there is a shame component to it that I haven't overcome yet. Maybe your husband feels the same way, and the long distance webcam activities you two did were simply out of desperation for him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with Plan 9. Lots of people (male and female) have a sense of shame with sex and masturbation in particular. As far as bugging him to masturbate in front of you, I'd recommend letting that go. Just not his thing, he's not comfortable with it, etc...

As far as masturbating INSTEAD of having sex with you... That's a bigger issue. Have you always had to be the aggressor? If so, I see lots of hurts and frustrations in your future, unless you two deal with this. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Men are conditioned to think masturbation is bad from a very early age. They are shamed by their peers for doing it, even though those same peers do it as well. Case in point...the Britishism "wanker" is a put down, and "wank" is a crude term for masturbation.

For me, honestly, I never considered it would be something a woman would want to see, that she would be turned on by it until I started reading here. It took a while for me to actually do it, but I did, and she loved it, got her so worked up...


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'm with Plan 9. Lots of people (male and female) have a sense of shame with sex and masturbation in particular. As far as bugging him to masturbate in front of you, I'd recommend letting that go. Just not his thing, he's not comfortable with it, etc...
> 
> As far as masturbating INSTEAD of having sex with you... That's a bigger issue. Have you always had to be the aggressor? If so, I see lots of hurts and frustrations in your future, unless you two deal with this.


The instead of is the problematic thing, many men would feel a little uncomfortable doing that in front of their SO. I do not understand why no hand job. DDW was very good at those and always willing to give me a tug. I never needed to do it myself while we were together. She did it for me and it feels much better.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO, why would he want to masturbate in front of you when he could have sex with you instead? 

Given the choice, I would want to have sex with my wife rather than amuse myself. To me it's like ordering a steak dinner and leaving the steak and eating the parsley garnish on the plate.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

6301 said:


> IMO, why would he want to masturbate in front of you when he could have sex with you instead?
> 
> Given the choice, I would want to have sex with my wife rather than amuse myself. To me it's like ordering a steak dinner and leaving the steak and eating the parsley garnish on the plate.


Well, I discovered that me masturbating for her, ends up being more about her than me in that she gets sooo turned on and she'll start taking care of herself so it is essentially masturbating to live porn...the one who finishes first usually jumps in and finishes the other...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you masturbate in front of him?

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill here. You say that you have lots of sex and it's good sex, so what's the problem if he wants to yank one off alone once in a while, especially when you're away?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

4yearsnokids said:


> I know no one's going to be able to KNOW why he won't do it in front of me. I was asking if anyone had ever experienced anything similar.


No, I have not. Sorry.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there's several things going on here. lets try to distill them.

1. most married men jag off whether they're getting enough sex from their wife or not. occasionally men just need a quick release without all the time and effort, even though sex with wife is always better.

2. when the beating off becomes a common substitute to love making then it's a problem. also like above posters i myself am shy and don't want to beat off in front of her. never done it. wouldn't say i never would but she hasn't asked.

3. the not wanting a hand job is odd. most men love hand jobs.
they're delicious. just not as good as sex.


4. no, it's not 'bad' that you feel bad when he beats off instead of making love to you. don't obsess over it unless it becomes to often. just let it go. if it becomes too often you have a problem and talk to him gently 'what's going on?'


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To add on my thoughts... A hand job is about the lowest form of intimacy for me. Virtually anything else would be my choice. Just not my cup of tea. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yea, maybe try jilling off in front of him and see if he will then do it for you or do it together at the same time .....make it a contest to see who can get there the fastest!!!!!

then eat some ice cream and go for the real thing!


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

4yearsnokids said:


> A few things
> 
> 1. My husband won't masturbate in front of me. He does it only when I'm not in the house. He won't even let me give him a hand job. Once, when we were long distance, he masturbated via webcam while I stimulated him visually. But, now that we live together he just won't. And he won't say why, I've asked. Has anyone experienced this?
> 
> 2. Is it wrong that I feel bad when he masturbates instead of having sex with me. He doesn't initiate sex, but, when I'm gone. He masturbates. I don't understand. Why doesn't he just ask me to have sex? I'm perfectly willing, and he knows this.


1. I never did, either, until I revealed to my wife that I was turned on by women masturbating. She decided she could do that. And once she started . . . . 

2. It's not wrong for you to feel bad if he masturbates ALONE when you are available. That's hard for me to understand. Masturbation doesn't come close to a living, breathing, willing woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

4yearsnokids said:


> I know no one's going to be able to KNOW why he won't do it in front of me. I was asking if anyone had ever experienced anything similar. Or, if there's another thread that might explore the topic. I literally can't even dream up a reason why he won't do it...and I'm wondering if the reason is something bad. He doesn't NOT answer by the way...he just doesn't know why himself, or, so he says.


I can think of reasons why he does not want to masturbate in front of you. These are pretty common really.

It could be that he was taught that masturbation is wrong and thus it embarrasses him.

He might be trying to hide porn use from you. Especially if he’s using some really fringe type of porn. Many men are embarrassed by their porn habits.

It could be that he’s had a long history of masturbating by himself, that’s what he’s used to. And now he’s not comfortable sharing this with a partner. A lot of guys who have used porn for a long time to get off while single cannot make this transition in marriage.



4yearsnokids said:


> He doesn't only masturbate. We have plenty of sex, and it's very good. I just feel like, I don't know, like he's supposed to be giving all of his sexual life to me...but he's not.


I don’t think that masturbating alone is a problem in a relationship WHEN IT DOES NOT INTERFER WITH SEX WITH ONE’S SPOUSE. 

You he’s masturbating and therefore he’s not having as much sex with you as you would like, there’s a problem.

If he does not want to masturbate in front of you, that’s his personal preference and you really need to stop bugging him about it. There is no requirement that anyone masturbate in front of their spouse. The more pressure you put on him the less likely he is to do it.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

It's kind of like this. A woman goes into a bathroom stall and sits down. She has a wonderful conversation with the lady in the stall next to her including asking her pass the paper I'm out. A guy sits in a bathroom stall and he would die before he said boo to the guy next to him. Guys are just a little more private when it comes to certain things. Just the way we are wired.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

:rofl:

55


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stevenj said:


> It's kind of like this. A woman goes into a bathroom stall and sits down. She has a wonderful conversation with the lady in the stall next to her including asking her pass the paper I'm out. A guy sits in a bathroom stall and he would die before he said boo to the guy next to him. Guys are just a little more private when it comes to certain things. Just the way we are wired.


I suppose you learned about what women do in a public bathroom first hand? :rofl:


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

There are guys that like handjobs? 

Wow, I despise them... Like, no thanks, I can do that myself, and better than my wife. lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> View attachment 20857
> :rofl:
> 
> 55


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Eh, my DH won't do it for me either, but I'm going to keep asking.

I gave my first hand job this week. I have nothing against it. I hadn't realized I'd never done it till recently. 

But anyway, I was like - wow, DH, that was the best hand job I have ever given you.

(Miss Scarlett is drinking and posting. Better than drinking and shopping. I once got a delivery of a Marilyn Monroe costume - the pink one from Diamonds - and crotchless panties a few days after I had been drinking particularly.)


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Eh, my DH won't do it for me either, but I'm going to keep asking.
> 
> I gave my first hand job this week. I have nothing against it. I hadn't realized I'd never done it till recently.
> 
> ...



WOW! Very nice MissScarlett!!!!!!!!! :smthumbup:

I love when my wife does this for me, and I also love when she is wearing her Nurse costume at the time. Very cool.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband is not the norm, once we got together, he stopped masturbating , as he described it.. it was then..."OUR THING"...

He would have absolutely no desire to do this in front of me....he wouldn't be comfortable ...though he has said (when I asked his thoughts on things like this)...It'd excite him to see me doing it.. I can't say I would feel all that comfortable either!

I'd rather have his hands on me... we haven't explored either .


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I suppose you learned about what women do in a public bathroom first hand? :rofl:


Very insightful observation. I have studied extensively on the subject ever since I was a teenager and my date always disappeared with the other girls into the bathroom. Took a lot of research to find the details of this very sacred tradition. Not a lot of books written on the subject.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

4yearsnokids said:


> A few things
> 
> 1. My husband won't masturbate in front of me. He does it only when I'm not in the house. He won't even let me give him a hand job. Once, when we were long distance, he masturbated via webcam while I stimulated him visually. But, now that we live together he just won't. And he won't say why, I've asked. Has anyone experienced this?
> 
> 2. Is it wrong that I feel bad when he masturbates instead of having sex with me. He doesn't initiate sex, but, when I'm gone. He masturbates. I don't understand. Why doesn't he just ask me to have sex? I'm perfectly willing, and he knows this.


When your husband masturbated via webcam, did he do it because you persuaded him to or was the masturbation his idea? I'm wondering because you said he only jerked off in front of you once. 

I don't like masturbating in front of my husband. It is one of those things I prefer to keep to myself. I also wouldn't want to watch my husband jerk off in front of me. 

Your feelings make complete sense. When your partner chooses masturbation over sex with you, it is understandable to feel rejected.


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## 4yearsnokids (Mar 26, 2014)

After reading yalls answers, I asked him yesterday if maybe he had some shame about doing it and he said (after thinking a bit) yes, you could say that. He says he feels like its strange for him to do it after marriage and it makes him feel weird. I don't really bother him about doing it, I don't necessarily long to see him do it. Mostly I was nervous that it was a symptom of some latent dissatisfaction he had with our sex life, something he wasn't telling me. When he let me see him do it on webcam, I wasn't forcing him to do it...but now, thinking back, I remember I had to keep asking him to adjust his camera so I could see. I would do it in front of him, but he never asks me to. I think its strange that he has me, but he prefers his hand. Any way to help him release the shame?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

You seem like a wife we all want. Ready willing and able. I read a blog from MMSLP about a woman who decided for a year to not say no to her husband(Google it). Maybe this is something you suggest to your hubby?

"Hubs, I know you masturbate, but if you ask me, I promise I will not say no". 

Be clear, concise and direct in your communication. 

Oh and one other thing as a point of information to all women. When a man says "I don't know" about his feelings, chances are HE DOESNT. So don't take it personally. Often we haven't formulated it to our selves yet. So don't badger. Just ask "ok, can you think about it and get back to me?" Just the way our brain works.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'm generally the person who has no problems pointing out the 800 pound gorilla in the middle of the room, so a lot of the social conditioning, I am able to shake off, so I am not exactly sure how to help him move past that because it's something I never really felt on any deep level.

One of the things I find interesting about the increasing societal awareness of female sexuality is that awareness of male sexuality has remained fairly stagnant. Old addages about men are not falling nearly as fast, especially when it comes to masturbation. A woman taking care of herself is HOT, but a man...not so much. I have found it interesting how many women here have expressed that once they were able to move past the shame of male masturbation, they also found it quite a turn on. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone or every woman, but I think this is probably another one of those things that there really isn't nearly as big of a difference between the genders as is drilled into our heads.

I think, like SA's husband, I may be an outlier in that the only time I masturbate is with my STBW. I think a lot of that might be because the only times where I would have a chance to, she's around and always willing. There have been a few weekends that I have had to be away, and I have plenty of masturbation material of her, but I am usually too exhausted to bother. The thing is, that when we are together, I would not have been too tired to have a go at it with her, and that always takes a lot more energy...go figure


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Sometimes I think my H would rather just do it himself. I think he is so ready, over ready, that he will explode immediately upon insertion. He wants to spare my getting sticky and yucky and all that stuff that comes with sex, for a few strokes. Why not take matters in to your own hands(oopsies bad pun) Get the job done, meet the need, and not bother anyone in the process. I don't have an issue with my H doing that in the other room. 

He likes for me to do it for him, and sometimes I can, other times I cannot bring myself to do it for him, it is a mental barrier. I have watched him do it and it is more educational then anything. I never realized how the male body works in that sense. 

I don't think it bothers him near as much as it does me to have him do that in front of me. 

For me personally I can't bring my self to have solo time for me if he is in the other room. Or if he is awake. I am sure that is part of upbringing. It is not only taboo for guys, it is for us ladies to. That is just not part of my sexuality I am willing to share. I suppose guys could have the same issue.


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## rrw (Apr 5, 2017)

1. He may be embarrassed to start masturbating, while not fully aroused, while you watch him. Try this: While having intercourse, when he says he's about to come (but not when he's too close and it's too late to stop), pull your hips away from his and ask him to ejaculate on your belly or breasts. Don't use your hands; he'll have to masturbate until he comes - he'll need to come if he's close enough, so he'll have no choice. Rub his semen into your skin over your breasts and belly, then beg him to lick you to finish you off. While he's licking you, talk dirty and tell him you're about to explode after watching him jerk off and come on your body, because it made you feel hot seeing how much your body excites him. Then moan louder and louder & push his head deep between your legs. Let your body go when you come. If you're not ready, fake it and never, ever tell him you faked it. Do that a few time and you won't need to fake an orgasm. Then shower together & use a sex toy to arouse him when he's able to get fully erect - wait awhile if you know from experience how long it takes him to get another erection. Don't talk about what happened. When he's able again, have intercourse in his favorite position & let him come inside you. Have intercourse a few more time over the next week, then have him pull out when he's fully erect & aroused, but not too close to coming. Turn over & beg him to come on your ass. If he's aroused but not close, he'll have to masturbate longer to come. Don't watch this time, but when you feel his semen, ask him to rub it over your ass. Beg him to lick you until you come, even if it takes awhile, don't forget to let yourself moan & let your body go when you come for real. After having intercourse a few more times, turn your head when he's about to come on your ass. From that point on, he shouldn't be embarrassed any more. Strip in front of him and beg him to masturbate while you watch and come on your *****. Then do whatever you want when you want it.


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## gt30743 (Apr 10, 2017)

My Husband has a much higher sex drive than me so we use his masturbation, as well as me giving him love in ways other than actual intercourse to help bridge the gap. He masturbates in front of me one to two times a week. Its a normal part of our intimate time together.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Zombie thread. (3 years old). Probably worth starting a new one.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

4yearsnokids said:


> After reading yalls answers, I asked him yesterday *if maybe he had some shame about doing it and he said (after thinking a bit) yes, *you could say that. He says he feels like its strange for him to do it after marriage and it makes him feel weird.
> 
> I don't really bother him about doing it, I don't necessarily long to see him do it. Mostly I was nervous that it was a symptom of some latent dissatisfaction he had with our sex life, something he wasn't telling me. When he let me see him do it on webcam, I wasn't forcing him to do it...but now, thinking back, I remember I had to keep asking him to adjust his camera so I could see.
> 
> ...


My suggestion would ask him to do you a favor. Tell him that you love him so much that you want to learn how to sexually please him even more than you now do. Tell him that you want him to teach you more about his arousal pattern and what happens just prior to orgasm. 

You can tell him that a girlfriend told you her husbands testicles pull up close to his body just before orgasm. Tell him you have never actually had the chance to closely look at him when he orgasms, as the way you normally make love you can't see down there.

He feels as a married man that pleasuring himself is associated with shame, while he may feel that teaching his wife about sex is something husbands should do. 

Afterwards tell him how much you liked the watching it; how it made you feel closer to him as you learned things about him you hadn't known before (if you do feel this way). You could also verbally encourage him during the process by smiling, making happy sounds and tell him yes, yes, yes as he gets more excited. Afterwards comment on how the size and color of his penis changes during arousal and how the shape of his scrotum changes during arousal. You can also tell him that he has a lovely "O-face" that melts your heart. In short create a positive feedback loop where you give him positive reinforcement for his action that you want. That is classic conditioning. Go make B. F. Skinner proud of you.

If he can't handle that maybe you can play the ZZ Top song Pearl Necklace for him while out driving around. Learn the lyrics so you can sing along. When you get home you can look at him and say that the song inspired you and you want to take him to the bedroom. :wink2:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_Necklace_(song)

A Pearl Necklace refers to ejaculating on a woman's chest. This can be either by you giving him a hand job to cause and aim the ejaculate where you want it or it can by him masturbating on your chest. 

Good luck.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Since we're still talking about it...

My view is that I already masturbate 3-4 times a week since actual sex is rare. So I wait to have sex with my wife and she wants me to masturbate? The one time in weeks/months I get to have sex? Isn't going to happen.


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