# Anger management in infidelity



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

In one of the linked articles in another thread titled “How do you deal with anger after infidelity?” ANGER MANAGEMENT is presented. The author states:



> Anger empowers us, motivates us, and strengthens us. It can even help protect us, but it can also kill us and those we hold dear
> 
> As I said, the anger is not the problem; it’s how anger is expressed that causes problems.
> 
> ...



Since anger can be of help or it can cause you great damage I think that it is very important to use our free will to make the right choice. Every one that is a BS gets angry and some WS get angry. The issue is not if the BS or WS has the right get angry the issues is how are you going to use anger.

In my case, as a BS, I fought to keep vengeance down and I finally did*. What I replaced my vengence with is that I used the highly motivated anger to propel me into improving myself in many areas*. Please do not start with posts that accuse me of saying that I was blaming myself for her betrayal. I choose to improve myself so that I could help myself get better. I used the anger motivation to get closer to my extended family members, do some things that interested me like taking college courses that I enjoyed; not college courses that I was required to take, get myself in better physical shape, and get stronger in my faith.

In the years ahead I saw how this was so much better than vengeance. *If I had followed through on my vengeance I would have destroyed my wife. Now what would I have gained from that? *By making a free will choice to fight vengeance and work on me I ended up far better than if I would have succeeded in my vengeance. 

*So to sum it up, it is true that your can use anger to get YOU a lot better if you choose the right way to use anger. IMO*


*HOW DO YOU USE YOUR ANGER?*


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> *HOW DO YOU USE YOUR ANGER?*


 As a reminder, a fixture of what I do feel by someone else actions, as a defense to never allow for total vulnerability, a mechanism to push thru the days and win, by attrition or action. 

Anger is the primary band aid in regards to infidelity, never let them see you bleed.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My $0.02...

I'm an angeraholic, and I love to fight.

But *now* I will never ever let someone else have that much power over me.

There are some crazy phuckers out there...you see them walking the streets just arguing with them selves and swinging at imaginary things.

Then there are guys like me that need a trigger.

Old the-guy used my anger to break people and property.

New the-guy uses my anger to build people and property...and I love building.


Hell I don't even like to use anger!

I regress if some POS broke in and wanted to hurt my family I would try to kill again....If some one shot me again I would still shoot back.


But other then that I'm feeling like I'm a pretty nice all around guy.



Slapping my old lady around when we were young....that was phucked up!


On d-day I was the calmest mother phucker there was...weird.
But after 52 session of AM I had the tools.:smthumbup: I know AM had a lot to do with the confrontation. It made a difference between going back to county or keeping the family unit/marraige intact.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IIJokerII said:


> As a reminder, a fixture of what I do feel by someone else actions, as a defense to never allow for total vulnerability, a mechanism to push thru the days and win, by attrition or action.
> 
> Anger is the primary band aid in regards to infidelity, never let them see you bleed.


It's like some chicks are asking to be hit.......That's when you check your shyt , smile, wish them the best and inform them you will be out all night so don't wait up.

Way back when..someone posted....the opposite of love is not anger or hate but indifference. Here's the catch guys.... is this infidelity crap an exit affair or is our chick waiting to get all wet by fighting for them?

In my case indifference worked, but in some post's the BH bows and throws the 180 out the window?

IDK. I figure my part is I screwed up my marriage by being my self ...I figure I'd keep my marriage by being my self......Today it's just not worth getting pissed off.

I'm the same guy with different behaviors.

There have been a few posts were the guy bailed after a yr or 2 of R and the poor bastard wasn't being himself. At the very least I'm a consistant @sshole that doesn't slap his old lady around any more and Mrs. the guy doesn't phuck every Tom, Richard and Harry.


Ok... I'm done with the ramble.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Since separation I really only did a few things out of anger. I kneed a guy in the balls after he tried to punch me. He was bigger than me and younger. I have said things I regret that I wished at the time I could do if there were no laws or possibilities of repercussions. That's fantasy, though and I didn't take those statements as seriously as those who heard them. I made one remark to my ex2 about a physical appearance of her's that I knew would hurt. I made none to her after that. That's really it.

The rest of my anger, if you read enough, you will understand, I turned inward toward myself. It's why I've been so depressed for so long. It's a major contributor, anyway, if not the sole reason. I wanted, at one time, to be dead. I could not do it myself, although I thought of different ways to do so. 

I've tried going to classes at the local community college. I could not retain, understand, or even concentrate enough to read the material. It's a direct result of things that happened to me and the depression and anxiety I still suffer with. 

I've tried walking, but I have an ankle injury that was severe enough that my foot goes numb after a mile. I measured the walk with the odometer on my car. close enough for me. I've tried some exercise, but could not keep motivated and did not see the point to extending a life I hate. Anger...turned inward.

I don't have anything good to contribute. I'm sorry. I'll just read now, unless I think of something.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The thing about anger management is walking, running and even lifting...that's stress relief

For me in my case, others piss me off so for me it's working out in my head.

I was physically active and i was still pissed off...for me it's a mind thing....letting some @ss wipe cut me off in traffic and smiling instead of running him/her down.

With regards to infidelity....smile wish them the best and go find a partner that wants to be with you....cuz they are out there!

At the end of of the day we all will get were we need to go...no matter how slow it takes to get there!


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Originally Posted by Mr Blunt View Post
HOW DO YOU USE YOUR ANGER?


As I stated in an earlier post...When the pics were given to me of my ExWW and her Boss/OM....INSIDE i lost it ...not outwardly...but i kept it internal...I never raised my voice..BUT

I had outed him to his BW...I sued their company and they Both lost their jobs...His wife destroyed him in their Divorce...My WWs family demanded to see the proof I had, with great trepidation...i showed them...they were destroyed as well.... as she was after that...all of her lies meant nothing after that..Our relationships with others exploded like a super nova..What can one say ...when the other has hard proof...

I systematically destroyed everyone and everything remotely associated with her Affair....then filed for D and walked away..

Anger and pain are wonderful motivators ,but they will not let you find any peace...I had to let it go...and I did...Badkarma


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> My $0.02...
> 
> I'm an angeraholic, and I love to fight.
> 
> ...


holy cow "The guy" you should have stopped and say Hi to me


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> *HOW DO YOU USE YOUR ANGER?*



I used it to get the strength to divorce.

Used it at the gym....very powerful motivator to push the weights.

I used it to make sure my x-wife doesn't try to still control me, especially through my kids, after the divorce was final.

I use it to make sure I never am walked all over again.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> *HOW DO YOU USE YOUR ANGER?*


I try to follow biblical principles here where I can. I don't always succeed. But in general I'm slow to anger and try not to sin in my anger. So, no violence or yelling at people.

I use it by listening to it. What is my anger telling me? Typically anger is a protective emotion. You get angry because your adrenaline is pumping and preparing you for a fight. What is danger? How do I protect myself from that danger?

Then use that energy to take the appropriate actions. 

I was angry on and after Dday 2. I did say some things to my ex that I regret. Not that were not true, but I said them to hurt her. But after that, I don't regret a single step I took. Tons of research on divorce and lawyers in my area, then visits to my top 3 choices, 1st choice retained and divorce filed. 

I was able to process huge amounts of information quickly, and not get hung up on the little details. Without my anger I may have taken a long time and let my ex dictate details or control the pace. But because I was angry, I was driven. I needed to protect myself and for me, that protection was cutting her out of my life like the tumor she had become.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Anger Management, simple 300 lbs. incline press, 275 military press, 500 lbs. dead lift, 10 dips with 135 pounds on the chains around my waist.

I know the girl behind the desk at the Y. She spots me and all I have to do to increase my max is start talking about how my EX treats my kids.

The gym, hiking, living well... great stuff


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I had outed him to his BW...I sued their company and they Both lost their jobs...His wife destroyed him in their Divorce...My WWs family demanded to see the proof I had, with great trepidation...i showed them...they were destroyed as well.... as she was after that...all of her lies meant nothing after that..Our relationships with others exploded like a super nova..What can one say ...when the other has hard proof...
> 
> I systematically destroyed everyone and everything remotely associated with her Affair....then filed for D and walked away..
> 
> Anger and pain are wonderful motivators ,but they will not let you find any peace...I had to let it go...and I did...Badkarma


*
Great lesson! Thanks Badkarma!*


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

I guess I got kind of "lucky" (seems strange to use that word but it works here) that the OMW's anger was so immeasurable that she blew the whole thing up. She destroyed her husband's career and my wife's career. She destroyed their relationships with family. At the time that actually helped appease my rage. Although my wife was truly remorseful there was a period of about a year where I thought being remorseful wasn't enough. She needed to be in pain too. She was. Our children wouldn't speak to her. That was their decision but I did nothing to stop it. I knew R might be possible when my rage went away and I didn't want her to hurt anymore.

A related problem, however, OMW is still filled with rage and still works to destroy her WH's life and my wife's too. I can no longer allow that. At some point I'm going to have to deal with it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mostly used to motivate me to action. Once in motion, I am.pretty cold. It still gets power over me at times and I hate it. But it is happening less and less.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By ConanHub
> Mostly used to motivate me to action.


Can I ask what kind of actions?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Anger as it relates to my ex-husband's infidelity was mostly directed at me:

How could I have been so wrong about my judgement? I really thought I married a great guy.

How had I let myself become so unprepared for a divorce?

How could I let myself be deceived and treated so badly for so long without knowing a thing?

How was I ever going to regain the upper hand?

How come I couldn't come up with a smart or clever plan to regain the upper hand?

Why could he sleep like a baby and I couldn't sleep at all?

My anger was and still mostly I say myself. Yes, it's been a few years and my accident took precedence for a while but I have mentally navigated through most of this as best I could but I can honestly say, aside from legal preparations, it could all happen again and just as easily. 

I still will always question my judgement as to why I fell in love with this type of person.

My anger toward my ex-husband is really, he is who he is and I would so rather be me and that makes me content. I am content with who I am as a person. He is stuck with himself.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Rugs said:


> Anger as it relates to my ex-husband's infidelity was mostly directed at me:
> 
> How could I have been so wrong about my judgement? I really thought I married a great guy.
> 
> ...





> How was I ever going to regain the upper hand?


Meaning, to prepare for the divorce?



> Why could he sleep like a baby and I couldn't sleep at all?


I wondered the same. I still don't understand it. I guess cause I place much more importance in how she felt about me rather than how I felt about myself? Maybe that isn't very clear? Maybe she just didn't care how I felt about what she was doing, and all she cared about was how physically gratified she was? Not sure if that's very clear. Oh well...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I'm ashamed to admit that anger controlled me in the week or two after d-day. I was very cold and cruel to anyone I spoke with. I thought our MC therapist was on the verge of not seeing us again as I spewed awful things towards her. I had no respect for anyone which I later determined I didn't respect myself at that time. I was enraged at God for allowing my WW to cheat, and I eventually lost my faith in God. I hated everything and everyone, I was completely alone amongst the ruins of what was my life. I had no love for anyone nor did I feel love from anyone. This drove me to be suicidal and I saw death as the only way to end the pain. Luckily, or not depending on your opinion of me, the anger wasn't enough to help me kill myself. 

As I progressed from d-day the rage and anger remained relatively high, my MC recommended individual therapy. I got in a rage over this as I felt I didn't need more psych therapy, as I did nothing wrong. My WW destroyed my marriage not me, I didn't go and cheat, stop telling me I need more therapy. It took my MC about three months to convince me my anger was making unreasonable decisions. I started individual with expectations I would be given tools to cope with my anger, I was wrong. The first session about mid way through the therapist began talking about dinosaurs and lions. I remember looking to see if I could jump out the window but they didn't open! If I wasn't suicidal before this session I for damn sure was after. I told my MC about the session and she still laughs about it to this day. I found another individual therapist but recommended the lions and dinosaurs therapist to my WW!!

Presently I can say that anger and rage has dissipated somewhat unless I dwell on certain aspects of the affair. I have begun to show love in the place of hate towards my WW and currently I'm learning to be vulnerable in my marriage. Anger and rage have been a big factor in my reconciliation, if I hold on to that anger and rage I won't be able to reconcile, if I let it go much chances to reconcile improve drastically. I'm learning from my mistakes in the marriage and I'm improving myself as a person. It took me a long time to figure out anger and rage were holding me back from reconciling. I want to be the best me I can be, I want to have better control over me, I want to be a better father and husband. Letting go of the anger and rage I held onto is a big step for me. However, this step is so very important. 

I won't ever forget what my WW did to me or my marriage, she won't either, but the gift of reconciliation has been offered and accepted. I am proud of my WW efforts during reconciliation, and I know she is proud of my efforts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Yes, anger can be useful; but putting it to work for you, rather than against you, is easier said than done. It's difficult to channel something that is inherently challenging to contain and control. Anger not only inhibits brain function, but it changes who a person is and what they are capable of doing.

I used to have problems with anger as an adolescent, but I grew out of it, and I learned to prevent, control, and channel it... to a degree. Generally, I think the best option is to move beyond the anger. Sometimes that's easier said than done. 

When you're younger, there are plenty of outlets for your anger, whether that means fighting an equally hot-headed kid, or just going ape on inanimate objects. You can get away with that stuff. When you're older, there are less outlets and more pitfalls associated with anger. Self-control has to fill the void.

Though I am calm and rational by nature, this time of year (~d-day) is very challenging for me. I can feel my fuse shortening. The anger is real and has a root cause, but it doesn't have much of a function 3 years out from d-day; except I suppose to keep me grounded to all of the emotions I felt a few years back and to guard against further pain. Anger can certainly help you advocate for your needs and wants - preventing others from walking all over you - but you're often only a small step away from walking over others yourself. 

When I'm angry, I feel like a hammer, and everything looks like a nail. This mindset can be very empowering, but the challenge becomes seeing the world for what it really is, choosing appropriate nails to strike, and striking them cleanly and with a purpose. I will say this: I've made some killer calls to customer service departments over the past few weeks. The squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease...


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

In the very beginning my anger wanted vengeance then my anger combined with hurt motivated me to protect myself and get better without her. As I started taking actions to get better my anger subsided but the hurt was still there. These negative emotions are going to be there it is just that I think that we can use the negative emotions to motivate us to do better.
I finally figured out that I cannot be angry and vengeful with my wife and get myself a lot better at the same time. It really boiled down to self-survival for me. I did not want to be destroyed so I chose to do the things that would help me get better even though I was in pain. *The anger and pain was used in the very early stages to motivate me and the anger and rage left but the pain remained for a long time and kept me motivated.*

Strong emotions can be great motivators and it is up to our decisions to choose the motivations to help us or hurt us. With anger its purpose can be to motivate us to do the right things to help us get better in the very early stages then it can be eliminated to a great degree. I like the way Cabsy said it below



> By Cabsy
> Yes, anger can be useful; but putting it to work for you, rather than against you, is easier said than done.


In the end, I think for me, I wanted to get better more than I wanted to feed my anger/vengeance. I guess anger is like so many other things; it can burn you or keep you warm. It seems that our fee will decisions determine so much. *What are some ways that you think that anger can be used to help us?*


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Mr Blunt,

I have had ADHD since I was little but it allowed me to channel my emotions as they are very strong.

Anger for me gives me focus and direction. It allows me to accomplish a task that I may normally not want to do. When I get tired or unmotivated, I can pull up something that makes me angry, (EX's boyfriend yelling at my son) and direct that into focus and energy.

I have learned how to channel my anger so instead of using on the person I would like to, I use it yo provide myself with focus and motivation to accomplish a task. 

I go to bench 315 at the gym, I can easily pull up something that makes me angry and use it temporarily.

To have constant anger is bad for you and is not healthy. Learn to forgive so you can not let the anger control you, but you can control the anger and use it to be helpful.

This works for me 95% of the time. Touch my kids and all bets are off though. Everyone has their limits.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I never really saw mom's anger. I don't know if she felt any, or just sadness and abandonment at everything coming crashing down around her. 

Dad, the cheating A-hole, was for some reason very angry. 
That anger manifested itself in the form of a fist coming at high velocity towards my body. 

My response was usually to throw a fist back. 

I don't think he ever got help for that. 
Wonder how he deals.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My anger was unspeakable. It lasted a good 22 months. I went down the deepest hole I knew of. Anyone who came near me, wx I knew them or not, if they crossed me, lord help them. I had no self-esteem, I hated life, I hated my husband, I hated the world, I was so alone, so scared and so full of rage and anger. 

Finally after so long, I had to reach out for help for I know I was drowning...

With help of medication, for the past 8 or so months, my anger has been in check ((I've always been a nice person)) but still have to be on top of it if infidelity is involved. 

I am very aware now and am extra aware of not even letting myself come close to touching on that horrible, horrible emotion to the depth that I did, ever again... 

~sammy


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> My anger was unspeakable. It lasted a good 22 months. I went down the deepest hole I knew of. Anyone who came near me, wx I knew them or not, if they crossed me, lord help them. I had no self-esteem, I hated life, I hated my husband, I hated the world, I was so alone, so scared and so full of rage and anger.
> 
> Finally after so long, I had to reach out for help for I know I was drowning...
> 
> ...


Medicine to keep you from being constantly angry or just when you trigger? I am wondering if you went through some type of physiological change.

I am glad you are doing better Sammy! Good for you!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

THanks for caring... I think I went through a physiological change! I've never ever experience the depth of anger or rage that I did and for so long. I'm on medication to stabilize my emotions so I could start to deal with life in a better state of mind. 

I am so much better now. I am on the road to recovery and even on the road of forgiveness. I can now start to make sound decisions for my life, and make decisions to go toward, than to run from. 

Infidelity and the choices it gives you is unlike anything I have ever had to deal with. It was the aftermath,...it was harder than I ever imagined. "What am I going to do about it now?" My life was in ruins, as I knew no other way for almost 30 yr, have never worked, and no support system. It was horrible. 

But, it's getting better, and I do see why it can take up to 5 years to get through it...seems like a long time, but when I look back there is no way I could have rushed it any sooner for me. ((well, maybe I should have gotten help sooner, but I think you know what I 
mean)) Again, thanks for caring... 

~sammy


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Sammy good for you. I know how bad it can be but I did have a few friends that were golden. Keep on improving


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

From the American Psychological Association, Strategies to keep the anger at bay, from the article titled *Controlling anger before it controls you*:



> *Relaxation*
> 
> Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
> 
> ...


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