# Sharing TAM with Spouse???



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Hi . . .there have seen some threads about members sharing TAM with their spouse. Most have been informational ('hey - can you believe s/he posted this . . .whaddya think, etc'), and at least one recently has been 'Holy crap - she wants to read all this stuff I posted about her!!!!' I think that was going to work out ok.

Has anyone had a positive expereince where they've asked spouses to come here, read posts, reply and use this to explore their own marriage? Lord knows, there are things I've posted that I would love my wife to know, but dread the consequences (I'll have to delete my 'Sex in marriage' posts if I ever want to get any from her again.) And, perhaps I'm a bit scared of what she might really post about me/her/us (yikes!).

Thoughts?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My wife joined about four months after I did, bear in mind I came here as a wayward H looking for help putting my affair behind me. She came here at my encouragement, I wanted her to see how much I had progressed and all of the great help I had received here. I knew she would read through ALL of my post with a little time, but I had this idea that she would read my most recent post first and work towards the beginning. Had she done that, she would have seen that I'm in a great place first and worked her way back to me being in a not so good place when I joined. Of course what does she do? She goes to my very first thread asking for help getting the OW out of my head, does the time line based on the date of the thread and freaks out, not badly but I did have to get out the glue to put her back together. She subsequently read everything I posted and still does. She says it really helped her to understand where I am with the affair and to have some real confidence that I really am over it all. We don't really post to or about each other and don't advertise that we're H and W, but we don't really try to keep it a secret either. We've gotten into a routine lately of when I get home from work asking each other about threads posted during the day which has served as a spring board for some good conversations about our own marriage. I would say it's been a good thing for us having both of us here.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I told my husband about this site from the very beginning, when I did my 1st thread, I shared every reply I got with my issues with him (they were very small & kind of out of the box in comparison to many difficult things discussed here). 

He is a very easy going man, trusting, open, forgiving, loving always. Nothing I say would SHOCK him either. He understands my intentions are just for the "best for us". He knows WRITING out my feelings has always been MY WAY of getting a handle on anything that is troubling me , anything that needs fixing, I need a pen or a keyboard to discover more about myself, about our relationship. Forums are wonderful cause they allow you to get feed back from others who have walked in such shoes. Tremendously helpful for perspective & learning. 

Boy do I ever WISH he would have posted, but he is *not *the "writer" type. The most he would add would be a sentence likely. Articulating himself through words on a forum would not be something he would care to do. For me, it is more a pleasure & enjoyment. 

So I just bounced stuff off of him, commincaiton always onging, we dug into our pasts, where we missed it, he opened up about his fears, his pain, my worry, we faught sometimes, always resolved within hours, held nothing back. It has always been Good but now it is even better as my husband is more openly "vulnerable" with me in all things. 

I am all for total transparency--IF you have a "sound" spouse who can HANDLE IT. I realize this is not the case with many. Very unfortunate. 

I think if you don't have the $$ for real marraige counseling, coming on here TOGETHER and getting feedback to your situation-by others who has "been there" is a method of getting REAL help, could even save your marraige. 

Just my 2 cents of coarse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have made Darth Wifey agree on a promise of never coming looking for me on a marriage forum even though I did finally tell her what I've been doing in my man-cave, and printed out some posts for her to read. It has helped, and she's been keeping her promise so far - I hope. I'm still very alert for subtle signs that she's read something she's not supposed to.

But then again considering how much I tell her anyways nothing here was really a surprise for her when I printed stuff out - so it might be rather hard to read. Still, I like believing I can post without fear that wifey will kick my arse.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I would love to see spouses come here together. Since we only get one side of the story, our advice may not be helpful because there are other factors coloring the situation that we do not consider.

The other thing that I think would be useful would be for people to put feelings out there that they cannot articulate to their spouse.

The downside might be people taking sides with the posters. If either one felt abused, it might make their problems worse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I still remember once a very long time ago when I was giving the missus crap in front of everyone on a social forum (this was before marriage) and she found me and gave me sh-t in public about totally unrelated crap just to make herself feel better and how she's the victim.

It seems that my posts here are more acceptable however, considering she hasn't kicked my arse after reading the threads I wrote. Or maybe we're just both more mature now.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My H knows I post and read. He's not a fan of online communication or forums, so he's not interested in visiting. He has commented on the changes I've been making within myself and the relationship and I've told him that I have learned a lot from these forums. Sometimes I will share scenarios that relate to us and the different perspectives given and my take on it all. He likes hearing about those things. I guess he's interested in what I've learned and how I'm thinking about us.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

My H doesn't know I visit here and never will. Like heartsbeating, he's not a fan of online communication or forums anyway (even keeping up with facebook irritates him and he's 24) so I wouldn't expect him to join because he might but will never return. I don't even think he'd read what I post but he'd mock me or question me just for the fact that I visit a marriage forum.


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

jayde said:


> Has anyone had a positive expereince where they've asked spouses to come here, read posts, reply and use this to explore their own marriage? Lord knows, there are things I've posted that I would love my wife to know, but dread the consequences (I'll have to delete my 'Sex in marriage' posts if I ever want to get any from her again.) And, perhaps I'm a bit scared of what she might really post about me/her/us (yikes!).
> 
> Thoughts?


Yeah, Mrs. Parrothead and I have read this forum and said "Thank God it never came to that for us!" We have never posted about each other because there really isn't anybody I would tell anything that personal to in the real world, never mind complete strangers. She feels the same way. 

However, it is interesting to see how many of you think the same things we do without ever mentioning them to each other. Conversely, there are waaay too many things some of you say amongst yourselves and to your spouses that would never occur to us.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

I used to post here a lot and it was very helpful and informative just for the sake of learning things from other people's posts. My wife and I would have discussions about what we were reading together. 

I replied to a request for stories of success from another TAM member and that is when it became really helpful to the relationship of my wife and me.

I would share our successes and failures in our relationship. I would talk to my wife about the issue good or bad. Then I would make my reply post.

It really took our communication to a whole new level. During this time our marriage hit a crisis. Having that communication in place from posting and talking about what we would post was really important to communicating our way through it. 

You can read about that process in my blog article:  How to Make My Wife Want Me. I learned how to read what she was really saying to me, how to prove to her that I wanted to become a more connected husband, and how to make our intimacy work better.

Overall, I have shared many ups and downs about my marriage, but she was in the process the whole time.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

My husband doesn't actually read the board but is receptive to listening to threads I'm willing to share. He's not the go online and read stuff kind of guy. He actually feels a bit uncomfortable with the internet. I think it confuses him and makes him feel overwhelmed. But I know he has found a lot of insight to certain stories because he has openly and willingly discussed subjects with me. I think TAM is great for relationships, all kinds of relationships. Even healthy relationships. It's a great place to begin an open dialogue about issues you might have difficulty addressing.


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