# Trying to avoid divorce



## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Came home from work friday to a note from my wife that she wants a divorce. She took all her clothes and moved to her sisters house. A little back ground. We,ve been married 14 years , together for 17. Have a soon to be 16 y/o son. About 6 years ago she had a 4 month PA. We almost divorced but worked it out. I learned to forgive and she did all the right things to help me recover. In december of 2017 i found out she had maxed out some credit cards i didnt even know she had and ive been trying to deal with the fact she decieved me again but also trying to repair the financial damage. Financially we’ve made great strides but it came with sacrifices, sold our truck and i am currently selling my boat. 

The problem comes in that since december i have been emotionally cold to my wife. Little to no affection and i think she finally broke. I feel like i had good reason but i also love my wife and im miserable wirh out her. We met up and talked for about an hour yesterday and i suggested counseling which she didnt object to. I dont even know how to go about finding a good counseler and im scared to death of finding a bad one. I looked online for hours last night but didn’t have much luck. Ive been an emotional wreck but teying to hold it together. I still love my wife and want to fix it but i dont wanna be lied to again and i want to learn how to better control my emotions and show her i care. I guess im not even sure what im asking her to be honest. Just need to write it down and get it out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

My suggestion is you dig a little bit deeper.

My initial guess is that the affair never died, but just went farther underground.

An even more important question is why you would want to salvage a marriage with somebody who clearly does not have any problems with betraying you.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

cabin fever said:


> Came home from work friday to a note from my wife that she wants a divorce. She took all her clothes and moved to her sisters house. A little back ground. We,ve been married 14 years , together for 17. Have a soon to be 16 y/o son. About 6 years ago she had a 4 month PA. We almost divorced but worked it out. I learned to forgive and she did all the right things to help me recover. In december of 2017 i found out she had maxed out some credit cards i didnt even know she had and ive been trying to deal with the fact she decieved me again but also trying to repair the financial damage. Financially we’ve made great strides but it came with sacrifices, sold our truck and i am currently selling my boat.
> 
> The problem comes in that since december i have been emotionally cold to my wife. Little to no affection and i think she finally broke. I feel like i had good reason but i also love my wife and im miserable wirh out her. We met up and talked for about an hour yesterday and i suggested counseling which she didnt object to. I dont even know how to go about finding a good counseler and im scared to death of finding a bad one. I looked online for hours last night but didn’t have much luck. Ive been an emotional wreck but teying to hold it together. I still love my wife and want to fix it but i dont wanna be lied to again and i want to learn how to better control my emotions and show her i care. I guess im not even sure what im asking her to be honest. Just need to write it down and get it out.


She has done you a favor, forget the counselor and go full ahead with Divorce. Protect yourself and be as selfish as possible, do not consider her or her feelings at all. Focus just on yourself and your son, figure out your next moves and what you want during your next phase in life. 

I very much doubt from what you have said you can do anything and she doesn't care so why should you, she is just getting prepped to leave you and make sure she is comfortable doing it, take away her comfort, take control and move on.

You will be much happier once the dust settle trust me, I thought my life was over but once I got over the initial devastation I realized she weren't nothing special and I was glad she was gone. i also found a much better match for myself and feel like a new person, whether my new relationship lasts or not I have no clue but I am much happier than I was in my marriage and i feel like i became myself again and building from this.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Don't get it man.

She cheats. You repair it.

She violates your trust again, putting you in financial danger...and she's the one leaving you?

She banged another man. She essentially spent money she didn't have. How does she not expect some blow back.

And man oh man you've got to man the heck up, you can't actually be blaming yourself for being cold. 

No one can be angry for you. If you can't live without a wife that cheats on you, spends the money you don't have then guilt trips you because you're angry then by all means go to her.

End of the day it's your decision isn't it?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

cabin fever said:


> Came home from work friday to a *note from my wife that she wants a divorce*. *She took all her clothes and moved to her sisters house*. A little back ground. We,ve been married 14 years , together for 17. *Have a soon to be 16 y/o son.* *About 6 years ago she had a 4 month PA.* *We almost divorced but worked it out*. I learned to forgive and she did all the right things to help me recover. In december of 2017 i found out *she had maxed out some credit cards i didnt even know she had* and ive been trying to deal with the fact she decieved me again but also trying to repair the financial damage. Financially we’ve made great strides but it came with sacrifices, sold our truck and i am currently selling my boat.
> 
> The problem comes in that *since december i have been emotionally cold to my wife*. Little to no affection and i think she finally broke. I feel like i had good reason but i also love my wife and im miserable wirh out her. We met up and talked for about an hour yesterday and *i suggested counseling which she didnt object to.* I dont even know how to go about finding a good counseler and im scared to death of finding a bad one. I looked online for hours last night but didn’t have much luck. Ive been an emotional wreck but teying to hold it together. I still love my wife and want to fix it but i dont wanna be lied to again and i want to learn how to better control my emotions and show her i care. I guess im not even sure what im asking her to be honest. Just need to write it down and get it out.


Writing things out is good therapy.

It really doubt that you have fully reconciled from her 4 month physical affair. 

She moved out to live with her sister, but most 16 year olds want to remain in the high school they are attending so what happened to the 16 year old? Is he living with you or your wife at her sisters? 

First, if she abandoned her child and her husband that is a very very bad sign that she is probably in another affair. If she has taken your child with her, grow a pair, visit you W and your child and find out what the child wants as at 16 they should have a say in things. If you wife won't allow it, then see an attorney, actually SEE AN ATTORNEY and figure out how get things straightened out. Actually, while marriage counseling could help, I suspect neither of you really wants to fix your marriage.

Your lack of affection is probably a combination of the past affair, her financial irresponsibility, and your having to make a lot of sacrifices to fix the financial mess she caused. You need to protect your financial health so you can support you 16 year old as they aren't cheap. 

Good luck.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Thanks for the words. I kinda knew in heart what everyone was gonna say. At this point although i cant say for certain but i have found no evidence of another guy. Again im not stupid, but we are together except when we are at work. This does sound like a soap opera. For some stupid reason i still love her. I never imagined i,d be back in this situation. 

To answer some questions my son has been with me. He is staying with my wife tonight and tomorrow night. 

God this sucks. I work hard to provide. Im in decent shape, good job. I just cant seem to make her happy. I will admit i have faults. Lack of emotion is a big one but its not like i i never show it either just not enough to please her i guess. We had a good sex life ( i thought anyway). I dont know where this went wrong 

Again im just venting right now. I’m trying to keep the sadness from turning anger. That is one emotion i can show unfortunately.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cabin fever said:


> I just cant seem to make her happy.


Happiness comes from within. 

You cannot make her be happy, no matter how hard you try. It will all be fleeting...just like the other man she is likely pursuing right now.

Financial infidelity is much the same way...spending to try to find happiness.

You can't fill a bucket until the holes are plugged. But she actually has to choose to plug the holes by doing serious work on herself through counseling.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Putting to one side the affair that she had, her financial infidelity alone would be more than enough for me to call it quits.

She obviously doesn't want to work on the issues, or she wouldn't have run away.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill.

You don't need a marriage councilor.

IMO you need IC for codependency issues.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your scared of the future so your holding on.

Once you get away from this lying cheating wife of your things will be much better!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Honestly it sounds like you are desperately codependent and holding on to someone who has repeatedly abused you. Fixing that should be your priority. She knows you won't divorce her at any cost so she just keeps abusing you more. You can't see it but your relationship seems toxic.

You say for instance you would never imagine you would be back in this situation but I ask why? Your wife has continued to show you she has a profound lack of character. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Even if you get through this one your wife will do it again and you will once again be back. It's who she is, it's in her nature. 

There is not happy ending with a person as broken as your wife. And I am sorry I am not trying to be mean but you are also broken because you continue to stay or want to stay with someone who abuses you. You can only fix one thing you. You need to do it, be an example to your son. Love has nothing to do with this. You love someone who is bad for you and your kid. Time to stop that and then figure out why that is, so you never do that again with someone else. 

Look up the book - human magnet syndrome.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@cabin fever, 

I hope you don't mind but I took a little time to read some of your old posts from 2012, and learn a little of your background before replying here. In addition, I would like to had a female voice to this male chorus and see it it doesn't make some difference. 

It's my observation that you've never been one to dash headlong toward divorce. Some folks do, and that's there prerogative, but others like you want to do everything they can to give their marriage a chance, and if it still doesn't work there's some peace that comes in saying "I know for a fact I tried everything." Thus if you want to try some counseling, I think that would be consistent with your personality so far. To find a good counselor, I suggest finding the ones who take your insurance (if you have it), and then just call them and ask to talk. Maybe you could write up some questions for them like where they went to school, what is their style, what do they believe about divorce...or faith? You get the drift. That way you get to know them a little before you go.

I also observe that you seem to be willing to look at yourself and see where you may have contributed to an environment that resulted in issues in the relationship. This is actually a really good trait and fairly unusual--most people would much rather point fingers than look at themselves. So I think that's a pretty positive thing. 

HOWEVER, I observe that your wife has acted TWO TIMES in deceptive, dishonest ways toward you, and whilst she seemed to "walk the walk" after her affair, she followed adultery up with financial infidelity. Yes--by the way--having two credit cards that your spouse doesn't know about and running them up to the max to the point that your spouse has to sell items just to get back to ground zero is unfaithfulness too: financial unfaithfulness. 

So I am very glad you are a man who values the commitment of marriage and honors his word. I also very glad that you are willing to look at how you may have contributed to an environment that was less than ideal. But bear this in mind @cabin fever, in the end an adult is responsible for their choices. I know you know this. In the end, even if you were a complete bastard, she still had a choice to be honest or dishonest...to be faithful or unfaithful...to include you or exclude you...and to let you see her real Self or to HIDE her real Self. Nothing you did "MADE" her do this--she chose it. 

Now I know this is really basic stuff. Many people know that they can't "make" others do stuff or "make" them feel things like happiness--in the end adults choose and they are personally responsible for their own actions and their own feelings. So since that's the case, you didn't "make" her want a divorce either. In a way, it's easier to think like that because if you did "make" her want a divorce, all you have to do is stop-doing-that and she'd stop wanting a divorce! LOL Of course, that's not how it really works. 

In real life, she made the choice to be dishonest with you and have a physical affair. Now, after that she made better choices and chose to keep the family intact and rebuild with you. But then here it is just a few years later, and again she made the choice to be dishonest with you and hide finances. And this time, rather than making better choices again, she's running away from facing her choices, and she's asking for a divorce. I think if she had learned from the PA about being honest, being transparent, practiced letting you see her true thoughts and feelings, and practiced including you (rather than keeping you out)...then she wouldn't have hidden the financial trouble she was getting herself into. She would have trusted you and gone to you and said, "We're a team and I have an issue...." right?

So in real life, for this divorce to be avoided, you could work on yourself until the cows come home--and I do recommend that because you'll grow tremendously as a person, man, and father--but if she's not willing to work on herself and really learn how to be that open and honest with another person, then there can't be a marriage. Now she may say she 'didn't feel safe being honest with you' or words that mean that...and I have some faith in you to see if that's true or not. If she was honest, did you yell at her and humiliate her? If so, you taught her that honesty=being hurt...and you can work on that. If not, then she's looking for a way to justify her actions: namely, being a fraud twice and being unfaithful twice. She's looking to blame you for her choices. 
@cabin fever, in real life she had many options that did not involve any kind of infidelity. Even if you found out and you were cool toward her (not all affectionate and smooshy), that is not a justification for divorce--she cheated TWICE (once with another man, and once with money) and the same way that some rebuilding had to be done after the OM...some rebuilding has to be done after the money! You were betrayed, and yep, betrayed people act cool because they were hurt and so they protect themselves! What did she expect? She could have chosen to take a second job and pay it back herself. She could have chosen to sell HER OWN things since she is the one who benefited form the cards in the first place. She could have chosen to take personal responsibility for the mess she got herself into, and instead she made another choice. 

Just think about that for a little while, okay? Again, I'm speaking as a lady poster, and as a formerly wayward person. I appreciate you can look at yourself, and I suspect there are two sides to this story. But think about it a little, okay?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

When she maxed out the cards do you know what she spent the $$$$ on?

Or who?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

It is not your issues that need to 
be worked on. You tried to work
on things.It is not the issues either.
IT IS HER ISSUES that need to be worked 
on. Sounds like she has plenty of them!!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, just an FYI, in my book that is two strikes. The infidelity is both physical and financial. That is alarming, and although you love her, she has issues that you need to address before you can go forward. From a financial standpoint, if you are going to separate, then, take her to the bank, and have her credit cards be put in her name. If there is a refusal, then cancel the card. If you decide to divorce, make sure that all debts are paid, and failing that, she must assume responsibility for her cards. I have had clients in this position, and it became apparent that she was using funds that they did not have to feed a psychosis. That psychosis allowed her to betray her family by putting them into bankruptcy. We approached the credit reporters and filed statements with them, that he was not responsible for her debts. We severed finances, which sent her into an anxiety attack. She apparently believed that she could rack it up, and he would pay. He separated from her, as it was apparent that she would drag him down with her. She lives with other family now. She is working through her fourth year post bankruptcy, and she will qualify for credit in three years. He is well away from her, and is enjoying the peace of not being harassed for payments that she racked up.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Sorry had to clear my head for a bit.

I still dont know what im doing. The shock of coming home to my wife gone, my dogs gone (she took 2/3 dogs too) is overwhelming. Shes had our son with her the past couple days. The house is quite and its driving me insane. I cant stand it. Most of my friends are not close by or work different hours them me so i dont really have anyone to hang with right now. Im going stir crazy. I did finally get 5 hours of sleep last night. I still wake up at 4am. The past 2 days ive just gone up the gym to work out after i get up. Havnt had a drop of alcohol. 

Im a planer. A goal setter. Ive always known exactly how things would work out. Right now i have no clue and its a tough pill for me to swallow. I still love my wife. I hear you all loud and clear. Im still processing all this. Been doing a lot of writing. Im not a writer or a reader but done ALOT in the past 4 days. 


I plan to call her tomorrow night to discus a few things. If we do proceed with divorce she stated she wants a uncontested divorce, no fighting and splitting our son 50/50. I wouldnt settle for any less. When it comes to my boy i will not back down. I hope its not gonna be an issue. She seems to not ne angry. I wanna keep it that way.


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