# ADHD (but not like other posts)



## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

So, I've done research on line and I've looked on here to see about being married to someone with ADHD. My wife was diagnosed as a child but hasn't taken meds for years. She just recently started the process of getting treatment for ADHD. The problem is that most of what I've read about ADHD in adults, and especially related to marriage, is an ADHD male who is disorganized, unreliable and sort of a goof ball. He is usually married to a woman who struggles to deal with those negative traits. Well, that isn't helpful. 

I am a man married to a woman with ADHD (I assume it doesn't just go away since she was diagnosed as a child). She is super organized and gets irritated if I don't do exactly what she expects me to. She will interrupt me when I'm speaking to talk about other things and I feel like we are always super busy. I am hoping that her recent interest in getting treatment for this will help, but I am wondering if anyone else has similar experiences with a partner with ADHD who is more like this than the goofball most describe.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have ADHD and I'm not quite the goofball depicted .

I rely on superb planning and tracking to stay out of trouble, but it's difficult to stay focused on critical work or do the same thing over and over...

I do tend to be super busy and interrupt people or change the subject while talking... C'est La Vie..


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

I have ADHD. I interrupt and am extremely disorganized. At least she has that going? Good luck with meds for her. I can't take them. I wish I could. 

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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A number of those very successful, always busy, never sleep, constantly going, hyper-organized women you know may have ADHD. I have a girlfriend who travels extensively in the US helping school systems implement new curriculum and designing and implementing new curriculum management software systems. She also has a "side business" as a professional photographer doing sessions and events multiple times per week, is a single mom to two children, is active in her church and various civic organizations, and has a busy family and social calendar. She sleeps about 4-5 hours a night. She's off the charts ADHD. She's on high-dose meds, does yoga 5+ days per week, and still cannot sit still through an entire movie, takes 30 minutes to tell a 3 minute story, can't keep track of her keys, and tends to interrupt others in casual situations. But she NEEDS that level of busy-ness to keep her mind focused and herself functional. And if you screw with her schedule, woe unto you. Because she relies on that schedule, requires that strict organization, in order to keep control of her life. Without it, her ability to function is seriously undermined. Frankly, she gets kinda fussy about stuff that messes with her schedule or her system.

As with many medical and health issues, somewhere along the way, the way men present with an illness became what was considered "normal" while the way women typically present was largely ignored. The truth is that ADHD often presents in females differently than it does in males. ADHD can make the traditional classroom learning environment very difficult, so ADHD students may struggle. Where many boys with ADHD will compensate by acting out because they'd rather be thought to have a bad attitude or be lazy than thought to be "stupid", girls are more likely to compensate by becoming shy and withdrawn but also extremely organized and systematic. Boys on average tend towards behavioral issues, where girls on average tend more towards depression and anxiety. In either case, though, what you're dealing with is someone who has a very hard time turning their brain off. They're constantly being bombarded with input - from the outside world and their own thoughts - that they have a very hard time processing, sorting, and reacting to appropriately. 

OP, your wife interrupts because she's lost tract of the fact that you're talking, is afraid (anxious) of forgetting whatever it is she wants to say, and is struggling with self-control and patience. She hates having her system/schedule changed because disruptions to her schedule are disruptions to something she NEEDS in order to function well.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Rowan, great insight about disruptions to the daily routines that are needed to function. 

@RaceTrack1975, you might check out the ADHD link in my signature. 



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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

Rowan said:


> As with many medical and health issues, somewhere along the way, the way men present with an illness became what was considered "normal" while the way women typically present was largely ignored. The truth is that ADHD often presents in females differently than it does in males. ADHD can make the traditional classroom learning environment very difficult, so ADHD students may struggle. Where many boys with ADHD will compensate by acting out because they'd rather be thought to have a bad attitude or be lazy than thought to be "stupid", girls are more likely to compensate by becoming shy and withdrawn but also extremely organized and systematic. Boys on average tend towards behavioral issues, where girls on average tend more towards depression and anxiety. In either case, though, what you're dealing with is someone who has a very hard time turning their brain off. They're constantly being bombarded with input - from the outside world and their own thoughts - that they have a very hard time processing, sorting, and reacting to appropriately.
> 
> OP, your wife interrupts because she's lost tract of the fact that you're talking, is afraid (anxious) of forgetting whatever it is she wants to say, and is struggling with self-control and patience. She hates having her system/schedule changed because disruptions to her schedule are disruptions to something she NEEDS in order to function well.


This makes good sense. Hope we can figure out a way to make things work a bit more smoothly.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

RaceTrack1975 said:


> This makes good sense. Hope we can figure out a way to make things work a bit more smoothly.


Medication may be very helpful for her, but do be aware that it's not a magic bullet and that it may take some time to find a medication and dosage that works for her without causing unwanted side effects. But also keep in mind that many ADHD symptoms can be at least somewhat managed with behavior modification. A lot of the "coping skills" we teach ADHD kids involve organization - writing things down, using calendars, setting alarms and reminders, making lists. - but she may already be doing most of those. Exercise and/or relaxation techniques may help a lot. Wearing headphones to either cancel out surrounding noise, or with music keep part of her brain busy while the other parts focus, may help if she struggles with concentrating on boring or difficult tasks. Tiles or other Bluetooth trackers to keep track of her phone, keys, purse, etc, are useful if she tends to lose things. Melatonin can be helpful if she struggles to turn her brain off enough to sleep at night. 

You two may also find it helpful to get into MC with a therapist who also has experience with ADHD patients. But, whatever you do, try very hard to avoid falling into a parent/child dynamic. It's frighteningly common in couples where one has ADHD, but it's a recipe for a dysfunctional, and not very sexy, relationship.


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## RaceTrack1975 (Jul 18, 2017)

Rowan said:


> Medication may be very helpful for her, but do be aware that it's not a magic bullet and that it may take some time to find a medication and dosage that works for her without causing unwanted side effects. But also keep in mind that many ADHD symptoms can be at least somewhat managed with behavior modification. A lot of the "coping skills" we teach ADHD kids involve organization - writing things down, using calendars, setting alarms and reminders, making lists. - but she may already be doing most of those. Exercise and/or relaxation techniques may help a lot. Wearing headphones to either cancel out surrounding noise, or with music keep part of her brain busy while the other parts focus, may help if she struggles with concentrating on boring or difficult tasks. Tiles or other Bluetooth trackers to keep track of her phone, keys, purse, etc, are useful if she tends to lose things. Melatonin can be helpful if she struggles to turn her brain off enough to sleep at night.
> 
> You two may also find it helpful to get into MC with a therapist who also has experience with ADHD patients. But, whatever you do, try very hard to avoid falling into a parent/child dynamic. It's frighteningly common in couples where one has ADHD, but it's a recipe for a dysfunctional, and not very sexy, relationship.


Thank you for you response. However, I think the the ADHD person you seem to be envisioning is what I spoke of in my original post as *not *being the case. She is highly organized and actually we do fall into the parent/child dynamic with me being the child at times. This is something I've tried to break out of.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

RaceTrack1975 said:


> Thank you for you response. However, I think the the ADHD person you seem to be envisioning is what I spoke of in my original post as *not *being the case. She is highly organized and actually we do fall into the parent/child dynamic with me being the child at times. This is something I've tried to break out of.




It doesn't sound like she has ADHF to be honest. Might be a misdiagnosis.


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