# Wife is a prude but wasn't always this way



## nod249 (Apr 19, 2010)

Hello everyone, I am new to this site but needed some advice on something that I have been dealing with for a while. First a little bit about ourselves. My wife and I have been married almost 6 years now, and we have a daughter that's a year and a half now. We are both in our mid to late 20s. When it comes to sex I feel like once you are married anything goes. As long as it isn't unpleasant or demeaning for one person, and its consensual, then its ok. That means I enjoy having regular sex as well as blow jobs, hand, etc. My wife however when it comes to sex she is very traditional missionary style, and doesn't really experiment. When we were dating I was very upfront about my sexuality, but she told me that she was uncomfortable doing that stuff, but that she wanted to get there only it would take time. Seven years later and the number of BJs isn't even a two digit number.  I thought once we got married and comfortable she would be more open to it but she hasn't. Here's the kicker though. I have learned over our marriage through little tidbits and slip ups that she had a very promiscuous past, and many of the things I have wanted she has done for boyfriends and guy interests, even going so far as to get into a threesome with two guys. When I heard that one I lost it. 

Am I selfish for wanting these things, or selfish for wanting her to change for me, or is this a normal desire that she isn't meeting me halfway on? I did very frequently give her what she wanted in bed, but I will admit when it wasn't reciprocated I started cutting back. I thought maybe it was a cleanliness issue so I kept myself shaved and washed thoroughly so I could eliminate that. I also thought maybe it was that she wasn't attracted to me, so I dropped 40lbs and have really toned up and would say I am a very fit individual. I thought maybe it was her upbringing too, but that's out the window with the stories she has told me about her sisters, going so far as to joke around saying one of her sisters has gained weight from all the BJ's she has done.

Any advice anyone can give me? Something I should work on? Or maybe something I can say or do to help resolve it?


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

If she didn't do it before why would you think it would change after marrige? You didn't discuss it? If shes willing to seek counseling with you why don't you try that. Learning how to communicate ( if both parties are able ) is the best beginning for anything in life.


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## EllieB (Apr 19, 2010)

I was like that when i got married as well , and figured out that during my past experiences i simply didnt care...but with my husband i was mortified , no matter how much he told me he loved me or that i was beautiful , i was so scared and very insecure.
It took almost a year for me to feel confident , but i was lucky enough to figure out my issues.
Talk to her without being accusing , make her feel confortable enough to truely open up.
Good luck =)


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## lumberjack31 (Jan 1, 2010)

Been through the same thing. The wife and I went to counseling....realized that there were more issues at play. But in regards to sex, I learned how to love my wife in the ways she needed like hand holding, soft kisses, massages, etc. (all things that I could do anytime, not just when it's time for sex). Totally changed our sex life.
So to quote others, communicate with her to see what both parties need to have a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItsAllAboutTheWoman (Nov 17, 2012)

You're damn right you should be pissed. I have nearly an identical situation. My wife was practically a porn star before marrying me, and even while we were dating, she was alot of fun! Naturally, as sexually enlightened as she was, I had to put a ring on that finger since we had that, plus so many other things in common... Then she ate the wedding cake. Back when we were dating, I had to pry her off of me on the ride home from a date so I could drive safely. Today, in order to even have conventional sex, all the stars have to be aligned, curtains drawn, doors locked, showers taken, blah blah. It's to the point where I've convinced myself that when she submits to having sex (always my idea), she is merely taking one for the team. It happens about twice a month, and that's a liberal estimate.

I've learned alot about women since being married, and one of the most important things men don't realize about them is that sex is a tool. They know they have what YOU want, and they know how to dangle it in your face to get what they want. They use it to attract a man, much like a carnival ride attracts a little kid. Once they've found a guy who cares enough to spend money on a ring, and pop the question, they've found their Holy Grail, so the ride begins closing. 

It's not to say that women don't enjoy sex, because most of them do, but they don't enjoy it in the same way we do. They look at it as an act of intimacy, somehow being comforted and finding security in it. They really think that while they're being pounded like a jackhammer, that is our way of expressing our "love". Yeah. Right. This proves there is as much about us they don't know, as there is about them we don't know.
I wish you the best of luck in your marriage, but I can tell you with certainty after 18 years of marriage myself, that there is no amount of couples councelling that is going to help your situation. When a woman feels like she owns the company, she's not going to belittle herself by working in the mailroom again. Besides, do you really want her to perform a sex act on you, knowing she would rather be folding laundry? Not me. I want my wife to enjoy everything about our sex life, including things I'm into. If she isn't, then it's worthless to even suggest it. Save yourself the frustration of being turned down time and time again, become content with the new person she's turned you into, get yourself a hot little twinkie on the side, or develop a vivid imagination. Remember, marriage is all about the woman.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think you might be the most negative bitter person on TAM. That is horrible advice. 

To OP: was your wife like this before she had the baby? Has she shown signs of depression? Is/was she breast feeding? Is she a SAHM? Does your child sleep through the night? 

Let me tell you something. For me there was nothing more libido killing than having a baby. First of all my hormones were crazy, breast feeding kills your desire, seeing another person's puke, poop, pee, snot and drool all day is the most unsexy thing ever no matter how much you love your child. Having another person on you all the time for me was exhausting and I was completely touched out. 
My daughter was a horrible sleeper and I was tired ALL the time every day for two years. 
Because she never slept well sex was very hard for me to enjoy. I was so afraid she would start screaming and I would have to go take care of her. I just wanted to get it over with. 
Before that I had been I would say a lover of sex. 
Then my body: looking at my stretch marks disgusted me and the loose skin disgusted me. When I was nursing I was so afraid I would leak during sex. 
Being a SAHM is extremely difficult as well. 

Have you tried to take an overnight trip without your child?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItsAllAboutTheWoman (Nov 17, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I think you might be the most negative bitter person on TAM. That is horrible advice.
> 
> To OP: was your wife like this before she had the baby? Has she shown signs of depression? Is/was she breast feeding? Is she a SAHM? Does your child sleep through the night?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItsAllAboutTheWoman (Nov 17, 2012)

Sorry I offended you, but however painful to hear, I'm right. My wife actually had children prior to meeting me, and had her tubes tied, so there were no crying babies, leaky boobs, or any other hormonal imbalances that it could have been blamed on over the last 18 years. The fact of the matter is women do NOT view sex in the same way a man does. A woman's body is biologically programmed to spit out 3 or 4 curtain climbers, and call it a day. And the bottom line is, for a man to complain that his wife isn't freaky enough anymore is a waste of time. He should just get used to it, because she really doesn't care if he's happy anymore. She's gotten what she was after, so game over. She was never freaky to begin with, her appearance of sexual appetite was all a big sham just to lure him in. And yes, I'm negative about it because it's sad that so many men end up having to resort to cheating to get back that courtship thrill that their wives could care less about providing anymore, and I and every other man on the planet could care less about all of the endless excuses. Much like the excuses for the extra 30 pounds worth of twinkies that seems to mystically accumulate on their thighs over the months after the wedding, that they blame on chemical imbalances, or being genetically "big boned". A man dreams of being a superhero, fireman, policeman, or astronaut as a child, a woman has dreamt about the knight in shining armor, house in the suburbs with the pickett fence, and kids, since they were little girls. Particularly the big extravagant, expensive wedding (their 15 minutes of fame). Hint... men don't care about the wedding. It's all for the woman, because she needs something else to put her in the spotlight since she's run out of proms to go to. So after they've successfully achieved their goal of marriage, kids, and suburbs, what's the point of putting forth any additional effort to keep their husband's interests, right? After all, most women realize, and have no issues letting their husbands know that divorce is very expensive and inconvenient. The only option for a man is to either conform to the new identity she's created for him, or to satisfy his natural urges with women who might still appreciate the fact that he's a good guy and his wife has always been a little too self absorbed.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

OP I agree with the advice lumberjack & bumpgrind have offered. Communication is key to getting anything resolved in a marriage. Counseling should be able to help you with that.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I think you might be the most negative bitter person on TAM. That is horrible advice.
> 
> To OP: was your wife like this before she had the baby? Has she shown signs of depression? Is/was she breast feeding? Is she a SAHM? Does your child sleep through the night?
> 
> ...


The OP made it clear that his wife has been holding out on him during their entire relationship.

I'm amazed at the "take her out more often" advice. Men are supposed to pay what $50 or $100 for a babysitter and date every time they want sex? There's a word for women who exchange sex for monetary compensation.

This is proof of most of the things I have been posting. OP, you'll get a lot of women posters saying that the reason she is doing this MUST be because of abuse/bad relationships. I'm willing to bet that she enjoyed the things she did with her exes.

I'd divorce her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

IAATW you've forgotten one thing, your wife may be having freky sex but not with you. Unfortunately, women are cheating almost as frequently as men. I don't blame you for not thinking of it. Most men don't. Women are better at hiding affairs partly because men think that getting a "hot thing on the side" is their birthright not their wives. 

Your bitterness is going to kill you. If finances are keeping you in this situation then reconsider. You can always make up a financial loss. You'll never get back the lost years of unhappiness. 

If you have really pulled all of the stops to improve your marriage then call it a day. If you have not then do so. Give it a certain amount of time to turn around and then make your decision. 

But be honest. Fix yourself while you try to fix your wife. Frankly it sounds like your hatred of women predates your marriage. Why get married to the enemy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Most of the advice that you'll get will be: "You need to take her out more, buy more things for her, do all the chores more and become a better slave for her then MAYBE she might change BUT if she doesn't, you still have to deal with the fact that she worked harder to keep her exes and thinking of leaving her makes you a terrible person. That's what marriage is all about."


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Maybe she feels guilt over her promiscous past. It can happen.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Nod it sounds as if you are speculating about your wife's history. Have you had a talk with her about her past and how she feels? Why not start there. She may think that you will judge her and she will lose your love and respect. 

If you have been judgemental of female sexuality in the past then that will effect her willingness to be honest. If you think you cannot handle the info then don't ask for specifics. It sounds like you did not know your wife very well before you married. 

You will have to get to know her now. If you want things to work then try to resolve the anger and resentment that you and maybe your wife harbor. You may need the help of a good professional. Does your wife know how frustrated and unhappy you are? 

When you talk about it, try not to lead with your need for sex. She knows that because she has heard it before. She may not have considered the effect on yor relationship and the peril that your relationship is in. I am not suggesting you threaten her but find out if for some reason she is as unhappy as you. 

One more thing - just an observation. Read over your post. This is what I see, you seem write about sex life that is adventurous which is good but you failed to mention mutually satisfion. Your idea of an improved sex life is bj and hj. Can you see the problem? 

Maybe your wife sees a problem. You mentioned that you stopped pleasing her. Does she have an orgasm when you have an orgasm during sex? If not, do you think that it is a problem in her desire to have sex?

Just some things to consider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> Sorry I offended you, but however painful to hear, I'm right. My wife actually had children prior to meeting me, and had her tubes tied, so there were no crying babies, leaky boobs, or any other hormonal imbalances that it could have been blamed on over the last 18 years. The fact of the matter is women do NOT view sex in the same way a man does. A woman's body is biologically programmed to spit out 3 or 4 curtain climbers, and call it a day. And the bottom line is, for a man to complain that his wife isn't freaky enough anymore is a waste of time. He should just get used to it, because she really doesn't care if he's happy anymore. She's gotten what she was after, so game over. She was never freaky to begin with, her appearance of sexual appetite was all a big sham just to lure him in. And yes, I'm negative about it because it's sad that so many men end up having to resort to cheating to get back that courtship thrill that their wives could care less about providing anymore, and I and every other man on the planet could care less about all of the endless excuses. Much like the excuses for the extra 30 pounds worth of twinkies that seems to mystically accumulate on their thighs over the months after the wedding, that they blame on chemical imbalances, or being genetically "big boned". A man dreams of being a superhero, fireman, policeman, or astronaut as a child, a woman has dreamt about the knight in shining armor, house in the suburbs with the pickett fence, and kids, since they were little girls. Particularly the big extravagant, expensive wedding (their 15 minutes of fame). Hint... men don't care about the wedding. It's all for the woman, because she needs something else to put her in the spotlight since she's run out of proms to go to. So after they've successfully achieved their goal of marriage, kids, and suburbs, what's the point of putting forth any additional effort to keep their husband's interests, right? After all, most women realize, and have no issues letting their husbands know that divorce is very expensive and inconvenient. The only option for a man is to either conform to the new identity she's created for him, or to satisfy his natural urges with women who might still appreciate the fact that he's a good guy and his wife has always been a little too self absorbed.


Not all women are like your wife.:/

My drive is so much higher then hubby's. I would be happy 1-3 times a day. I have to refrain myself, so I don't seem too pushy to my husband. I literally can not keep my hands off of him and we've been married over 12 years.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

OP, you're not alone. My wife was a wild woman in her younger years, and a few of those included me:smthumbup:. She's now ashamed of all that and often comments that, "I'm a mom now...I can't do those kinds of things anymore." To which I respond that that is completely weird to me:scratchhead:. I'm not asking her to bring other people in to the bedroom or anything like that. I'd just like some more fun and action in the foreplay area (i.e. 69), but she says it just doesn't feel right anymore.

Yes, it really bothers me. I have no idea why being a loving mom means you can't be a sexually giving wife anymore. I know I wear several hats throughout the day and it's not complicated. Husband, father, employee, volunteer, friend, son, etc. None of those involve sexually explicit acts except "husband." None of those involve payment except "employee." You get the idea...


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

monkeyboy said:


> OP, you're not alone. My wife was a wild woman in her younger years, and a few of those included me:smthumbup:. She's now ashamed of all that and often comments that, "I'm a mom now...I can't do those kinds of things anymore." To which I respond that that is completely weird to me:scratchhead:. I'm not asking her to bring other people in to the bedroom or anything like that. I'd just like some more fun and action in the foreplay area (i.e. 69), but she says it just doesn't feel right anymore.
> 
> *Yes, it really bothers me. I have no idea why being a loving mom means you can't be a sexually giving wife anymore. I know I wear several hats throughout the day and it's not complicated. Husband, father, employee, volunteer, friend, son, etc. None of those involve sexually explicit acts except "husband." None of those involve payment except "employee." You get the idea..*.


I cant speak for all women but I can say that for some it is hard to get from mommy mode. I know there were times that i forgot I was a WOMAN first. Now of course I had other issues that factor into that, but many women feel that way at some point. Not to say that this is a good excuse, but I believe this when patience and a whole of communication come in. Sometimes a woman needs to be reminded and know that it's okay to still be sexual and adventurous after kids, but it will take a lot of effort on her part. Especially if she's like me and had the "good girl" mentality lurking in the back if her mind.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Cop out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> I cant speak for all women but I can say that for some it is hard to get from mommy mode. I know there were times that i forgot I was a WOMAN first. Now of course I had other issues that factor into that, but many women feel that way at some point. Not to say that this is a good excuse, but I believe this when patience and a whole of communication come in. Sometimes a woman needs to be reminded and know that it's okay to still be sexual and adventurous after kids, but it will take a lot of effort on her part. Especially if she's like me and had the "good girl" mentality lurking in the back if her mind.


I think that's a big part of the frustration: Lack of "effort on her part." If I decided I didn't want to put the effort into my husband duties that she finds important (cleaning, upkeep of house, paying bills, etc.), I'd be a total jerk. And, trust me, sometimes they are the last things I want to do! When she doesn't put forth the effort into our sex life, then it's _my_ problem because I'm some sort of animal-like perv. My needs just aren't as important???


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

monkeyboy said:


> I think that's a big part of the frustration: Lack of "effort on her part." If I decided I didn't want to put the effort into my husband duties that she finds important (cleaning, upkeep of house, paying bills, etc.), I'd be a total jerk. And, trust me, sometimes they are the last things I want to do! When she doesn't put forth the effort into our sex life, then it's _my_ *problem because I'm some sort of animal-like perv. My needs just aren't as important???:*mad:


Sadly, I think issues like this won't get fixed *if* the wife doesn't see it as a problem. She's good with the status quo Until something happens that slaps her in the face that sex in marriage is a big issue. Your needs matter and you're not a perv, but I believe that us women are sometimes conditioned to believe that.

This is just my personal opinion based off my own experiences and talking to other couples IRL. Not to go into all of the gory details, but it wasn't until I really started to read up on both male and female sexuality, that I realized just how important good sex was to my H. My whole views on sex and sexuality have done a 180, but it wasn't w/o a lot work on my part. To be honest I'm still learning and still overcoming certain issues.

I really hope things get better for you, I don't know how old your children are, but when they are young it can be difficult on your sex life.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

You know, it's funny how all this social programming and conditioning about sex doesn't affect women generally before marriage, only afterward does it become "dirty/perverted/animal-like/etc."

In the end, it's just a set of excuses unless she was like that before too... As TrustInUs posted, a "slap in the face" is in order sometimes...


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> You know, it's funny how all this social programming and conditioning about sex doesn't affect women generally before marriage, only afterward does it become "dirty/perverted/animal-like/etc."
> 
> In the end, it's just a set of excuses unless she was like that before too... As TrustInUs posted, a "slap in the face" is in order sometimes...


While it may not seem logical, these are real issues for some women. On the flip side it also may just be a cop-out for others. There are many factors that could lead to these situations. For my personally I did feel guilty and shameful about things I had done prior to marriage even if I enjoyed them at the time. Even after the very frank talks my H and and I had before marriage.

I think it's very important for both husband and wife to educate themselves on each others sexuality and why they think the way they do about sex.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> You're damn right you should be pissed. I have nearly an identical situation. My wife was practically a porn star before marrying me, and even while we were dating, she was alot of fun! Naturally, as sexually enlightened as she was, I had to put a ring on that finger since we had that, plus so many other things in common... Then she ate the wedding cake. Back when we were dating, I had to pry her off of me on the ride home from a date so I could drive safely. Today, in order to even have conventional sex, all the stars have to be aligned, curtains drawn, doors locked, showers taken, blah blah. It's to the point where I've convinced myself that when she submits to having sex (always my idea), she is merely taking one for the team. It happens about twice a month, and that's a liberal estimate.
> 
> I've learned alot about women since being married, and one of the most important things men don't realize about them is that sex is a tool. They know they have what YOU want, and they know how to dangle it in your face to get what they want. They use it to attract a man, much like a carnival ride attracts a little kid. Once they've found a guy who cares enough to spend money on a ring, and pop the question, they've found their Holy Grail, so the ride begins closing.
> 
> ...


You learned a lot about YOUR woman. I don't use sex as a tool. Nor do I always have sex to 'feel loved'  I like to get effed just as much as any man. Speak about YOUR WIFE. Not about ALL WOMEN.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> Cop out...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe for some, but not for others.

Men don't 'get it' because most men aren't "on call" 24/7 for the kids. Most men don't deal with the kids all day. Most men just don't.

I remember the first time having sex after my 1st daughter was born. It felt WEIRD...My body had been through so much. My breasts were her feeding tool...etc...It was a shift in thinking. I got over it but it was a weird feeling. I was someone's MOM.....do moms behave this way? I remember thinking that. then I remembered that people have more than 1 kid, so of COURSE moms behave this way  :rofl:

It did take me some deprogramming about sex from my mom and religion and society. Some women haven't done this and still have guilt about sex. Not excusing them, but it is a weird dynamic. I wouldn't have believed it if i hadn't felt it.

but it has to be a woman's priority to get over it. I dont' tihnk enough sex is talked about before marriage. We tell our kids to talk about money, finances, kid raising, etc...but not enough about sex (expectations and deal breakers). I will teach my kids about that. It's important. I learned in my late 20s how important sex was for ME. SO I didn't settle for a man who also wasn't HD. But it took a long time to understand and I had some LTR in the meantime that were just awful because I didn't know myself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And NEVER tell your daughters, "Good girls don't do....." THAT sentence alone effed up my thoughts about sex for a long time. Was I a bad girl or a good girl??? OMG! Too much pressure for a HUMAN. Godam.

Screw that. I raise my girls to embrace their sexuality and to enjoy it...but to be picky and mature enough to deal with consequences. We talk a lot about sex in this house. It's NOT taboo. it's freakin' HUMAN. Parents don't talk enough about the hard stuff because they are embarrassed, etc. No no..we talk about the good stuff here.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Anyone else notice the OP only posted once and hasn't been back in over 2 1/2 yrs? Just saying.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Lol I never even looked at the date of the thread


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:rofl: I didn't look...and I don't have my glasses on. Who resurrected this!?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Maybe for some, but not for others.
> 
> Men don't 'get it' because most men aren't "on call" 24/7 for the kids. Most men don't deal with the kids all day. Most men just don't.
> 
> ...


Ha,

Believe me when I say cop out, I do NOT mean women like you...

We all have things to get over... There are some good women on here, and sadly not most unaffectionate women would never even dream about joining a marriage forum, much less post in a sex sub forum... Women like you don't represent most...

When I say cop out, I am instead referring to the women who will say they have social programming to undo. However, such programming was never present pre-marriage, and during post-marriage they have ZERO interest in meeting their husband's needs nor do they wish to make a single effort... For these women, and these only, citing social programming or, worse, citing that the husband has to patiently undertake the hoop-jumping of guiding his wife out of the social programming desert is, to me, a cop out...


BTW, about the kids thing... Sucks that most men are that way... In my case, I probably have done more for my son than my wife has ever done... And the sexual weirdness after, of course, guys get some of that too... You know how weird it is to insert your penis into the hole that you just saw your baby son come out of who is also sleeping in a bassinet not that many feet away???  My wife and I were weirded out for quite a while. lol


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

TrustInUs said:


> While it may not seem logical, these are real issues for some women. On the flip side it also may just be a cop-out for others. There are many factors that could lead to these situations. For my personally I did feel guilty and shameful about things I had done prior to marriage even if I enjoyed them at the time. Even after the very frank talks my H and and I had before marriage.
> 
> I think it's very important for both husband and wife to educate themselves on each others sexuality and why they think the way they do about sex.


Yes, but the evidence that for you it isn't an excuse is that you made an effort.

If I call my job and tell them I couldn't go in because my car is in the shop, how does it look if they spot my car outside of a strip club? Do I have a valid excuse or is it a cop out? Doesn't someone who can't go in to work b/c his/her car is broken usually try to get it fixed? Shouldn't a woman whose husband (provided her husband has always been caring, loving, etc. of course) tells her she used to enjoy sex and who realizes that the guilt came only irrationally after marriage try to make an effort to overcome these things? 

A woman claiming that sex is now dirty and she doesn't know why, all from the comfort of the couch, is presenting a cop out, IMO... You yourself mentioned that some of these women need a reality check... I am only proposing that for these women it is indeed a cop out.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

TrustInUs said:


> Lol I never even looked at the date of the thread


Dammit, me either.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But why marry someone who has no interest in caring about your needs?

Mind boggling.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

That's funny about the OP. Glad the topic is going though!

A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago that cheating on his wife and getting caught was one of the best things to happen in his marriage. He had had all the talks with his wife about his needs, but she just didn't care and continued to hold out on him. He went elsewhere. She then got the "wake up call" that his needs weren't being met and if the marriage was to be salvaged that she needed to step up her game. Of course, my buddy had some work to do as well. He admitted that the affair had an upside, but many downsides too.

Of course, I'm not saying that's the best approach, and I actually debated him at length on his comment, but now...well this happened:

A couple of weeks ago I was away at a conference and was texing back & forth with the wife. One of the texts came out kind of weird and she started thinking (I think), "Hmmmm...does he have something going on with woman there!?" Nothing was going on with me or anyone else there, but I think she had a mini-freakout, because within days of my return she was giving me grief about it (mostly in a joking way), but then also wanted to talk about our sex lives because she could tell I was frustrated lately. We had a good, honest conversation about my needs not being met and me feeling unappreciated and unloved. Then a couple of nights ago she initiated. It was nothing magical, mind you, but it was unplanned and unsolicited by me, which was a very nice change.

I don't have much interest in cheating on my wife, but I_ do _wonder what ways there are out there to "wake up" your spouses seemingly clueless attitude about the importance of awesome sex.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> But why marry someone who has no interest in caring about your needs?
> 
> Mind boggling.


It didn't began that way (AT ALL) for me. She changed over the years. She was all about it for the first few years.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> Ha,
> 
> Believe me when I say cop out, I do NOT mean women like you...
> 
> ...


I would assume you are speaking of me or women like me, and to some degree I respectfully disagree. To me there is a huge difference between being socially programmed in an unhealthy way (me) and disregarding your husbands needs. Not all women do that, but there are women who put in effort to make things happen, but will still need patience in doing so. Only thing I can say for myself is that I'm doing things with my H that I never thought I'd do and actually in enjoy it. If he hadn't been patient with me I don't know that I'd come this far to be where I'm at today.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

monkeyboy said:


> I don't have much interest in cheating on my wife, but I_ do _wonder what ways there are out there to "wake up" your spouses seemingly clueless attitude about the importance of awesome sex.


There are ways... I've had to do them... I tell you, being a husband is much like being a father sometimes... Praise/consequences, having to teach them, lol

And of course, in other marriages, the man is the one whose wife needs to act like a mom...

And of course, there are some ****ed up marriages out there where both the wife and the husband act like children...


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Interlocutor-I posted my response before I saw yours. Sorry typing on an iPad sucks


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

TrustInUs said:


> I would assume you are speaking of me or women like me, and to some degree I respectfully disagree. To me there is a huge difference between being socially programmed in an unhealthy way (me) and disregarding your husbands needs. Not all women do that, but there are women who put in effort to make things happen, but will still need patience in doing so. Only thing I can say for myself is that I'm doing things with my H that I never thought I'd do and actually in enjoy it. If he hadn't been patient with me I don't know that I'd come this far to be where I'm at today.


There's a difference between patience and mouth-feeding...

I'm not talking about women like you.

Again, in the part you just bolded, it clearly says women who do not make a single effort. I'm talking about those kinds of women.

Why are you making these assumptions about my posts when they agree with everything you have said?


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I may have misinterpreted your responses after you wrote 'cop out' under my first post on this thread. I was one of 'those' women to some degree.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

monkeyboy said:


> That's funny about the OP. Glad the topic is going though!
> 
> A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago that cheating on his wife and getting caught was one of the best things to happen in his marriage. He had had all the talks with his wife about his needs, but she just didn't care and continued to hold out on him. He went elsewhere. She then got the "wake up call" that his needs weren't being met and if the marriage was to be salvaged that she needed to step up her game. Of course, my buddy had some work to do as well. He admitted that the affair had an upside, but many downsides too.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, these are some of the things I was thinking of. I've heard many stories about how this has happened to couples. For some they came out stronger in the end. I wish more women could overcome these issues early in marriage.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

You know, someone should start this particular topic being discussed right now...

Not about the lazy women that make no effort...

But instead about the phenomenon exactly where a woman (self-aware and interested in making an effort) with a healthy sex drive and a loving husband enjoys sex before marriage and then begins to feel guilty afterward due to programming that awakens only post-marriage... Some of these women may be trying but have no one to talk to... And of course, the questions, why the hell is this taking place in a sexually liberated country like the US where porn can be purchased anywhere and where sex sells all products in advertising? Is there still some kind of residual sexual shame from the country's Puritan foundations? What about all the cultures here? It seems to cross all cultural boundaries... Does this happen in France, Italy, Spain, UK, etc.? Anybody know? And why do these superstitions set in specifically following marriage, while in dating almost anything goes these days?


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> You know, someone should start this particular topic being discussed right now...
> 
> Not about the lazy women that make no effort...
> 
> But instead about the phenomenon exactly where a woman (self-aware and interested in making an effort) with a healthy sex drive and a loving husband enjoys sex before marriage and then begins to feel guilty afterward due to programming that awakens only post-marriage... Some of these women may be trying but have no one to talk to... And of course, the questions, why the hell is this taking place in a sexually liberated country like the US where porn can be purchased anywhere and where sex sells all products in advertising? Is there still some kind of residual sexual shame from the country's Puritan foundations? What about all the cultures here? It seems to cross all cultural boundaries... Does this happen in France, Italy, Spain, UK, etc.? Anybody know? And why do these superstitions set in specifically following marriage, while in dating almost anything goes these days?


Good idea! My wife boggles my mind. As a Christian couple, it's even in the bible to basically go nuts on each other sexually, yet in her warped mind it's still somehow wrong? I don't know what we do to our women in this society, but it's maddening.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> You know, someone should start this particular topic being discussed right now...
> 
> Not about the lazy women that make no effort...
> 
> *But instead about the phenomenon exactly where a woman (self-aware and interested in making an effort) with a healthy sex drive and a loving husband enjoys sex before marriage and then begins to feel guilty afterward due to programming that awakens only post-marriage... *Some of these women may be trying but have no one to talk to... And of course, the questions, why the hell is this taking place in a sexually liberated country like the US where porn can be purchased anywhere and where sex sells all products in advertising? Is there still some kind of residual sexual shame from the country's Puritan foundations? What about all the cultures here? It seems to cross all cultural boundaries... Does this happen in France, Italy, Spain, UK, etc.? Anybody know? And why do these superstitions set in specifically following marriage, while in dating almost anything goes these days?


I don't think such women are self aware personally. To me what you described sounds like a bait and switch, or a marriage with other issues. I really don't think this issue is black and white. There are many issues why a woman might change sexually over the years good or bad. 



monkeyboy said:


> Good idea! My wife boggles my mind. As a Christian couple, it's even in the bible to basically go nuts on each other sexually, yet in her warped mind it's still somehow wrong? I don't know what we do to our women in this society, but it's maddening.


We are a Christian couple as well and I too felt a bit of guilt regarding sex and certain positions. That's when I had to start reading up on info and doing self reflection on why I even felt that way about sex.

Sometimes I wonder if some of my Christian friends would think I'm going to h*ll if they knew the stuff we did.


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## Spiderman (Oct 29, 2012)

ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> I've learned alot about women since being married, and one of the most important things men don't realize about them is that sex is a tool. They know they have what YOU want, and they know how to dangle it in your face to get what they want. They use it to attract a man, much like a carnival ride attracts a little kid. Once they've found a guy who cares enough to spend money on a ring, and pop the question, they've found their Holy Grail, so the ride begins closing.
> 
> It's not to say that women don't enjoy sex, because most of them do, but they don't enjoy it in the same way we do. They look at it as an act of intimacy, somehow being comforted and finding security in it. They really think that while they're being pounded like a jackhammer, that is our way of expressing our "love". Yeah. Right.


 Funny thing is that I think the same way of some men... sex is a tool to get a woman to say yes, after that the game begins. I have wished so long for him to pound me like a jackhammer that I don't even think I remember how it feels anymore.

My point is not all women use sex as a tool, it could be something else behind it BUT if she is not willing to discuss it with you then she obviously doesn't care enough to see how much it will affect you in a bad way. If she won't talk, I don't think things will resolve and you will be even more unhappy. 

Same goes for men and I'm sitting in that situation now, he will not talk about it so it is just the matter of time until I can't take it anymore and we will divorce, I don't really believe in having somebody on a side.

Good luck!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TrustInUs said:


> Sadly, I think issues like this won't get fixed *if* the wife doesn't see it as a problem. She's good with the status quo Until something happens that slaps her in the face that sex in marriage is a big issue. Your needs matter and you're not a perv, but I believe that us women are sometimes conditioned to believe that.
> 
> This is just my personal opinion based off my own experiences and talking to other couples IRL. Not to go into all of the gory details, but it wasn't until I really started to read up on both male and female sexuality, that I realized just how important good sex was to my H. My whole views on sex and sexuality have done a 180, but it wasn't w/o a lot work on my part. To be honest I'm still learning and still overcoming certain issues.
> 
> I really hope things get better for you, I don't know how old your children are, but when they are young it can be difficult on your sex life.


I had the same experience. My understanding of male sexuality has undergone a sea change. Happened by accident really. I found the books in my signature when my husband and I were at a very bad spot in our marriage. 

I had no idea that sex for men was associated with any emotions. I thought men have sex for pleasure and that's it. That is a common notion among some women. 

If sex is viewed as pleasure only then when life gets busy, sex takes the back burner somewhat like clubbing and dancing. 

If it is fun along with connection-maintaining then it is like eating and sleeping with a little clubbing thrown in. 

How do you get the message across?


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes! How does one get the message across? I've suggested that my W go online & read some articles, but I don't think she ever has. I'm sure her last therapist would have told her, but she probably blew it off, just like she has with friends that tell her.:banghead: I just don't know what will be the light that goes on over her head, but I pray it's not some kind of marriage crisis.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

"For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" and "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women" by Shanti and Jeff Feldhan


Catherine is right....these books have great information in them. H and I read them several years ago. Couple of months ago, I came across these two links. They're 10 interviews on Family Life with this H/W author team. H and I listened to them as our daily devotion time. We found these to be very informative as well. 

For Men Only

For Women Only


Hope this helps as well. Best of luck to you!


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I had the same experience. My understanding of male sexuality has undergone a sea change. Happened by accident really. I found the books in my signature when my husband and I were at a very bad spot in our marriage.
> 
> *I had no idea that sex for men was associated with any emotions. I thought men have sex for pleasure and that's it. That is a common notion among some women. *
> 
> ...


This is a MAJOR issue that I don't think many women know. I know I didn't at first. Coming here to TAM reinforced what i've read. I never rejected my H, but to be honest that led to a little resentment. But once I found that out my attitude changed about sex.

How do we get the message across? I wish I knew, because many things that I hear women say about their men, things that socially acceptable, really isn't funny anymore. "he's an animal, all he wants is sex, or he's going to have to take care of himself". It's really pretty sad.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TrustInUs said:


> This is a MAJOR issue that I don't think many women know. I know I didn't at first. Coming here to TAM reinforced what i've read. I never rejected my H, but to be honest that led to a little resentment. But once I found that out my attitude changed about sex.
> 
> How do we get the message across? I wish I knew, because many things that I hear women say about their men, things that socially acceptable, really isn't funny anymore. "he's an animal, all he wants is sex, or he's going to have to take care of himself". It's really pretty sad.


I said that women don't understand but I think men and women are responsible for that state. It is difficult to ignore the contribution of pop culture in shaping our view of sexuality particularly male sexuality. 

Mature male sexuality is not celebrated in our society but the crazed teen hormonal period is. I never knew that men go through stages of sexual development throughout adulthood. 

I read about it in books, read post from men on TAM and talked to my husband. 

I thought men remained horny teens for their entire lives. I suspect I was not alone in this. 

How many people know anything about how men and women mature sexually and the affect it has on their minds as well as their bodies? 

We have a son and daughter and I worry about them. I think men and women seem further apart now than ever. 

How will my husband and I make it better for our two? What can we teach them that will go against the messages that bombard them? 

It is pop culture that shapes the attitudes and beliefs. If it is destructive why can't we change it?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> I've learned alot about women since being married, and one of the most important things men don't realize about them is that sex is a tool. They know they have what YOU want, and they know how to dangle it in your face to get what they want. They use it to attract a man, much like a carnival ride attracts a little kid. Once they've found a guy who cares enough to spend money on a ring, and pop the question, they've found their Holy Grail, so the ride begins closing.


You may be right but the problem is that you think this is true about ALL women and that's where generalizing gets you in trouble. It's not all wives, it's not even a lot of wives, it's not even most wifes. It's just "some" wifes, such as yours, but you can't accept the fact that most married guys get it on a regular basis even though you don't. 

Rather than trying to find the root of your marital problem you take the attitude that it's all women and therefore there's nothing you can do about it, it's not your fault, that's just how it is.

And that sort of thinking gets you nowhere fast.



ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> It's not to say that women don't enjoy sex, because most of them do, but they don't enjoy it in the same way we do.


True, but that's probably common knowledge.



ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> They really think that while they're being pounded like a jackhammer, that is our way of expressing our "love".


I LOL'd at that. 




ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> I can tell you with certainty after 18 years of marriage myself, that there is no amount of couples councelling that is going to help your situation.


True. His wife isn't suddenly going to turn around and want to have all sorts of wild crazy sex with him. Those days are over.



ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> Besides, do you really want her to perform a sex act on you, knowing she would rather be folding laundry?


He just might. Half a loaf could be better than none.



ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> , get yourself a hot little twinkie on the side, or develop a vivid imagination.


Or man up and get a divorce and find a woman who you can do those things with without the deception and secrecy of a covert affair.



ItsAllAboutTheWoman said:


> Remember, marriage is all about the woman.


You sir, are a bitter man. Who generalizes a wee bit too much.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ItsAllAbout - what you posted above does not help in real life unhappy situations that a person is dealing with now. 

I changed because I read and I could not really believe what I read. The fact that the first books I read were by a man and woman team was probably significant. 

I think that the books admonishing women to just do it are laughable. You would have to ask why should I. 

Whereas what I read seemed reasonable and balanced. It alarmed me because I did not know that my husband may have been hurt by my misunderstanding of him. 

I asked him after reading for a while and he confirmed that he was often hurt and felt unloved. My husband is not one to share emotions but that conversation I will never forget. He actually seemed as if he would cry. 

He thought I knew so he was never explicit. In a way, he did tell me but I could not hear. 

I think many women go through an epiphany when the marriage hits a valley and they are trying to make things better. It depends on how the material is presented. 

It has to be from a place of understanding, if understanding is expected. Less blame, anger and bashing the flawed nature of women. 

I think assuming that the dysfunctional attitudes of women are the product of our culture and go from there. No blaming or shaming.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Wow, Catherine602! I wish my wife were motivated like you were. What motivated you to take note & study up on the issue?


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Very well said Catherine602!


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I said that women don't understand but I think men and women are responsible for that state. It is difficult to ignore the contribution of pop culture in shaping our view of sexuality particularly male sexuality.
> 
> Mature male sexuality is not celebrated in our society but the crazed teen hormonal period is. I never knew that men go through stages of sexual development throughout adulthood.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I tend to talk about the woman's side of the issue since my own journey has brought me to this point. But I do think that both men and women play a part in all of this, just like I believe a man should want to be educated in female sexuality as well.

As pop culture, it won't be changed if we continue to buy into it.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> Sadly, I think issues like this won't get fixed *if* the wife doesn't see it as a problem. She's good with the status quo Until something happens that slaps her in the face that sex in marriage is a big issue. Your needs matter and you're not a perv, but I believe that us women are sometimes conditioned to believe that.


For the first year or two that we were married, my wife was very... reserved... And I was just so enamored with "how often" (it was a LOT) it didn't bother me any. But she became more adventurous and we did have quite an active and varied sex life, though around a couple of her hang-ups - one being instant revulsion to semen. 

Then, suddenly, it was as if "I'm too good to be bothered with doing that stuff, just do me and make it good" attitude came around, one that still shows up regularly. She's demanded sex, but I've come to realize that her "foreplay" is mostly just "hey, you, i'm doing this, now you owe me", or so it seems at times. 

Honestly, I'm a little confused about both your comments about "conditioning" and "that stuff is beneath me" or whatever it is attitude. I'd love to what, where, why... or whatever... I'm a little lost...


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> There are ways... I've had to do them... I tell you, being a husband is much like being a father sometimes... Praise/consequences, having to teach them, lol
> 
> And of course, in other marriages, the man is the one whose wife needs to act like a mom...
> 
> And of course, there are some ****ed up marriages out there where both the wife and the husband act like children...


Friend of mine put it in a funny way. "Men are like dogs and women are like children. For men, if you feed us, play with us, pet us from time and tell us we're the best, we will be loyal forever. Once you stop doing any of those things we become dull or looking for a way out of the household. For women, if you buy them gifts, love them, show them you care, acknowledge when they do positive things they will respect you. Whatever you do though, never reward bad behavior or you will end up with a problem child". lol now thats not to say its all men or women but a funny way to make it sound similar.


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## Normal (Nov 19, 2012)

*My wife is becoming a prude. Help*

I have been reading this thread and hoping desperately for an answer that I don't see here. Unfortunately I have been thinking about much that has been said and I am not sure if any of the advice is valid to my situation. I can't force her to have sex with me. This means no "wakeup calls" with other women, no ultimatums, and I don't want to get down to the idea that sex is a tool. To be honest, I don’t want to go to the extreme of some and my communication with my wife starts to self destruct when I say the word sex. 

I am newly married and extremely attracted to my wife. My wife was very open to normal heterosexual 2 person sexual behavior (she initiated and enjoyed receiving) and was very attractive to me. However after I proposed she started to become more sexually distant. She would say that she wanted to have sex, but whenever the timing would be right, it would be the wrong time for her. She doesn’t want to have showers together, no sex on a weekday, no sex unless there is a romantic lead up. It was quirky but I chalked it up to pre-wedding abstinence so that our perfect wedding would not be marked with a pregnancy. Turns out that after the wedding the only sex I have seen was on the wedding night, and even then it was rushed for her sake. She said that because it was so long since we had sex she didn’t want to take too long.

My wife hates her last few jobs, and isn’t happy about living in my house after the wedding. She has this plan that I was supposed to be on track with. Now it feels like I am just another issue in her long unhappy life. What bothers me the most is that she doesn’t want to be near me, but when I pull away she doesn’t want me too distant? To all who reads this I am going bonkers trying to just have sex with my wife. Sex that she claims to wants to have with me is slowly driving me insane.

She blames this on the transition to our house, the new jobs she has had and the wedding planning. I think it is something else. I think this might have something to do with what this forum calls pre-programming. However I also think it has something to do with other more regular obstacles. 

For me she is my second sexual partner, and my sex drive has been constant since I was a teenager. I have kept my sexual desire at bay with masturbation, and would like to stop the practice and continue sexually with my wife. However when I am constantly shut down at the pre-petting stages, or am only allowed one kiss, I revert back.

I'm starting to go stir crazy here. It's getting so bad that I am actually slightly pulling away from her. I have tried everything I can think of, and no matter what I do, the weeks are going by with sickening regularity.

My problem is that when I try to talk to her about it, she gets uncomfortable and blows up, and I try to just put off the conversation for another time. It has been more than 3 months now and I am starting to get worried that if we don’t find a solution I will have a roommate instead of my soul mate.

Angry that she can plan to have breakfast with her girlfriends and have late soccer games, but our alone time is too much for her to manage. I find myself waking up absolutely hot for her, and her response is that she just wants to sleep. I am angry that it is I that am the soul initiator, and she is constantly pulling away.

I am spinning my wheels and going nowhere.
Somebody help me please.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> For the first year or two that we were married, my wife was very... reserved... And I was just so enamored with "how often" (it was a LOT) it didn't bother me any. But she became more adventurous and we did have quite an active and varied sex life, though around a couple of her hang-ups - one being instant revulsion to semen.
> 
> Then, suddenly, it was as if "I'm too good to be bothered with doing that stuff, just do me and make it good" attitude came around, one that still shows up regularly. She's demanded sex, but I've come to realize that her "foreplay" is mostly just "hey, you, i'm doing this, now you owe me", or so it seems at times.
> 
> *Honestly, I'm a little confused about both your comments about "conditioning" and "that stuff is beneath me" or whatever it is attitude. I'd love to what, where, why... or whatever... I'm a little lost...*


I was referring to women who have hangs up regarding sex be it from social, cultural, or religious reasons. *Some* women, not all, grew up thinking sex is bad ,dirty, or not understanding basic male sexuality. Or even their own for that matter. 

Ther could be many reasons a person changes sexually, for some there are real issues behind it, and for some it could be a cop-out. I envy women who didn't have any issues regarding sex.

I think this thread has kind of went left so I'll bow out now, but I wanted answer your question.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

monkeyboy said:


> Wow, Catherine602! I wish my wife were motivated like you were. What motivated you to take note & study up on the issue?


Monkey I read what your wrote in your thread and your wife sounds nervous and uncomfortable being sexual. I was a good Catholic girl when I got married and I was very self-conscious about acting too ****ty. 

You cant make her grow up but you have to guide her by rewarding positive growth and ignoring her when she does something immature especially during sex. I'll post in your thread. 

It is important not to criticize an already nervous clueless woman. You can't remain silent though.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Monkey I read what your wrote in your thread and your wife sounds nervous and uncomfortable being sexual. I was a good Catholic girl when I got married and I was very self-conscious about acting too ****ty.
> 
> You cant make her grow up but you have to guide her by rewarding positive growth and ignoring her when she does something immature especially during sex. I'll post in your thread.
> 
> It is important not to criticize an already nervous clueless woman. You can't remain silent.


Thank you. I look forward to reading your post.


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## shanalove (Nov 22, 2012)

*Re: My wife is becoming a prude. Help*



Normal said:


> I have been reading this thread and hoping desperately for an answer that I don't see here. Unfortunately I have been thinking about much that has been said and I am not sure if any of the advice is valid to my situation. I can't force her to have sex with me. This means no "wakeup calls" with other women, no ultimatums, and I don't want to get down to the idea that sex is a tool. To be honest, I don’t want to go to the extreme of some and my communication with my wife starts to self destruct when I say the word sex.
> 
> I am newly married and extremely attracted to my wife. My wife was very open to normal heterosexual 2 person sexual behavior (she initiated and enjoyed receiving) and was very attractive to me. However after I proposed she started to become more sexually distant. She would say that she wanted to have sex, but whenever the timing would be right, it would be the wrong time for her. She doesn’t want to have showers together, no sex on a weekday, no sex unless there is a romantic lead up. It was quirky but I chalked it up to pre-wedding abstinence so that our perfect wedding would not be marked with a pregnancy. Turns out that after the wedding the only sex I have seen was on the wedding night, and even then it was rushed for her sake. She said that because it was so long since we had sex she didn’t want to take too long.
> 
> ...


Normal,
This is spot on exactly what I'm going through...but I am the wife who is constantly getting rejected..I am so sad too because of this..though my husband has always been this way..even in our honeymoon we only did it once..it blows my mind since we're both young and good looking.. We both were virgins when we got married..I feel a little resentment towards him..I just dont understand how can a person love someone yet are revolted by the idea of having sex with his beautiful wife. but i have chosen him and i dont believe in divorce so I think i just have to accept to tough this out for the rest of my life.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Normal, sorry it sounds like your wife is just not into men. 
Are you sure she is not gay? Have you asked her?


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## Normal (Nov 19, 2012)

*Re: My wife is becoming a prude. Help*



shanalove said:


> Normal,
> This is spot on exactly what I'm going through...but I am the wife who is constantly getting rejected..I am so sad too because of this..though my husband has always been this way..even in our honeymoon we only did it once..it blows my mind since we're both young and good looking.. We both were virgins when we got married..I feel a little resentment towards him..I just dont understand how can a person love someone yet are revolted by the idea of having sex with his beautiful wife. but i have chosen him and i dont believe in divorce so I think i just have to accept to tough this out for the rest of my life.


Our honeymoon was in Disney world, and it was great except for the zero sex. As far as I know she is not gay. Her responses vary from not feeling sexy to being fearful that her negative experiences in the past with men have been taxing on her current sexual state. In some sort of twisted way the men in her past used sex as a tool and she is afraid that I will somehow go down the same path. Only wanting sex from her. This is so far from the truth that I am in a situation where I can't demand she get over this because I look like a **** and she must deal with it in her own time so she one day "fingers crossed" wants to have a sexual relationship with her husband. I just can't seem to win here. I'm not going to just walk away because of sex, not yet at least. I have to hear from her mouth that for the rest of our lives sex will be out of the picture. Until then, I'm holding my breath turning purple waiting.

Sorry to hear about your rejection. I am so worried that my initiations are going to fail that I just wait for her to go out and I get off on my own. It sucks because I don't want to be in this predicament. I would give up my paycheque if she just initiated like when we first started having sex. Stupid thing is I look back on what we had and her explanation made a lot of sense when I look at it. I always thought that previous sexual partners in a relationship was not a contributor to this kind of rejections.

My head is spinning. She is the first person I think about when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep.


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