# Wife had HD during separation but now has no interest in sex at all now. wtf?



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

So my wife and I decided to R but she wants to practice celibacy now that we are back together? I'm so confused because during our separation we had a really good friendship to the point I was comfortable enough hearing about her dating life. I'm not going to say she slept around a lot but as far as what I got out of it she had a very "healthy" sexual appetite. Now mind you one of the guys she was dating was her ex that she knew before me. He was in that mix of guys she was dating. Where I get confused at is us working things out but she has no sexual interest towards me at all. I've tried to be patient about things and not ask for a deadline or put any pressure on her about it. The only reason I wanted a D in the first place was because we weren't have sex frequent enough for me. I thought she has LD but hearing her tell me about things that happened while we were separated, she clearly still had HD like myself. I'm just confused, frustrated and I feel like the new feelings I have for her are going to be replaced with the feelings I had prior to us divorcing. Not to mention I feel like her ex may ruin us starting over. Any help or similar situations?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is just into you and might be in R for other reasons. I would be devastated if I were you in this position


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

It just doesn't add up though. I trust that she has cut all ties with guys prior to the R especially her ex because I did the same once I realized she was back in it. She shows affection, seems loving and I can tell she's almost to that point where she naturally loves me again but right now its not enough indications to confirm. I still have not had a real kiss from her. A lot of pecking but I want some tongue action! She's definitely more touchy feely since the last time I saw her (we live in different states but I am moving back end of Sept). Every time I visit I feel like this is eating away at me from the inside out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

So, while you two were apart she slept around, banging other guys, getting her "fill", but now that you are together you get nothing?

So every time she gets horny in the future will she declare a break and get her fill again?


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I don't want to put her business out like that. Let's just say she mentioned at one point she was getting a dose every day. Prior to the separtion I was practically begging for it. Now I haven't given the full story but due to our lack of sex when we got married, I had quite a few affairs and one that she found out about a quater into the marriage. I'm just not built to withstand long term unhappiness. I got to the point when we had dry spells and I did everything I could to make her happy (not going out with my friends, spending more time with her, show her I was a fun dad to our son, taking off from my other job for her and our son, cooking, keeping things organized, etc.) Id see my mistress or who ever I was dealing with at the time. I honestly think she may just be seeing if I am really serious about this by with holding things as long as she can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

At the present moment in time I'm trying to show her that I do and am madly in love her. When I visit I help with anything possible but I make sure that I am consistent. She told me the other day that when I visit I don't have to do so much when I get here. I just honestly try to take her mind away from things so she can have a clear head. I tried to do something with my son by myself the other day but she insisted that she go with us lol which I thought was cute. I was just trying to give her time to herself just to have a break. I've never dealt with this before with any woman I've dated in the past as far as being sexually active with that woman and in reverse us starting over meant waiting again. Its completely backwards and I'm trying to accept what she said as far as taking things slow, getting to know each other again. In reality I'm like why didn't you take it slow with the guys you were dating instead of giving the cookie up so easily? I'm the one who has to wait? Wtf....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

needguidance said:


> *I don't want to put her business out like that. Let's just say she mentioned at one point she was getting a dose every day. Posted via Mobile Device*


*

Not to be hurtful, but she was getting what she wanted. And now after the seperation is over she is celibate?

If she is with you and wants to be chaste what could that say to you?

Ive been in a similar spot, I know what its like*


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

needguidance said:


> At the present moment in time I'm trying to show her that I do and am madly in love her. When I visit I help with anything possible but I make sure that I am consistent. She told me the other day that when I visit I don't have to do so much when I get here. I just honestly try to take her mind away from things so she can have a clear head. I tried to do something with my son by myself the other day but she insisted that she go with us lol which I thought was cute. I was just trying to give her time to herself just to have a break. I've never dealt with this before with any woman I've dated in the past as far as being sexually active with that woman and in reverse us starting over meant waiting again. Its completely backwards and I'm trying to accept what she said as far as taking things slow, getting to know each other again. *In reality I'm like why didn't you take it slow with the guys you were dating instead of giving the cookie up so easily? I'm the one who has to wait? Wtf....*_Posted via Mobile Device_


Again, not to pile on.

She gives it up so easily to "guys" but not to her H


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

There's so many factors to weigh. She's really serious about making things last, she just doesn't want to jump back in to things with me without knowing I'm serious, scared of disappointment sexually from me (hell I'm scared I won't live up to her new standard since she made her ex sound like the new king of her body), punishing me for the past, just wants to take it at a slower rate? I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Well I know a lot changed with the way things were before. I think the only reason things took a turn was because I was cheating and I'm sure she put two and two together when I would stay out all night. Not mention the pics she found in my phone, I was going every weekend sometimes once during the weekday, I just wasn't in to her emotionally prior to the separation and I think that dried her up. Once she became single she was like a sexual monster that had been unleased back in to the wild. That's what hurts the most because I know she doesn't have LD but I can't put a finger on what's holding her back.... I've given her a full body massage butt naked since this current visit, nothing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

needguidance said:


> There's so many factors to weigh. She's really serious about making things last, she just doesn't want to jump back in to things with me without knowing I'm serious, scared of disappointment sexually from me (hell I'm scared I won't live up to her new standard since she made her ex sound like the new king of her body), punishing me for the past, just wants to take it at a slower rate? I don't know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't everything but this I know from what you say:

She wants sex with others(had sex with others), no problem doing others. She wants to take it slow with you because emotions are involved with you, not the others. That was just sex. I can see taking it slow with you, trying to reconnect but I can never understand the whole idea of takng a break from her H and doing other guys. How does this help reconnecting to you


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Well I was the one who wanted a divorce and things got serious after my job sent me out of state. Mind you I could have taken her and our son with me but with the D she stayed back home. She wanted to stay together initially but I guess once she got her rocks off and realized I was dating too that was about it. I just feel like I'm in the wrong position but who's to say this isn't what I deserve? I'm trying to take it one day at a time but its hard trying to figure out why its so easy for her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

It's totally a power play..she is enjoying holding all the cards. It's pretty manipulative and I think not a great way to be reconciling. Everything needs to be openly discussed and 50/50 to avoid resentments building again.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

needguidance said:


> Well I was the one who wanted a divorce and things got serious after my job sent me out of state. Mind you I could have taken her and our son with me but with the D she stayed back home. She wanted to stay together initially but I guess once she got her rocks off and realized I was dating too that was about it. I just feel like I'm in the wrong position but who's to say this isn't what I deserve? I'm trying to take it one day at a time but its hard trying to figure out why its so easy for her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You were dating too, you are not a saint. I get that. But you stopped,right? And she stopped dating too?

So are you even then? She is back but wants to be celibate?

The only thing I can think is she enjoyed the dating life more than the life with you. I hope I'm wrong.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Yes I stopped and I believe she did too. Its not about getting even. The thing that erked me too was I found an old video in her phone of her doing something with one of the guys she was with during the separation. It was an old video but I was pissed that it was still in her phone! I removed all media, numbers, emails and facebook ties I had with any recently and previously. I can't see her friends list on facebook so I have no idea who's deleted and who's night. Last night while she was in the the shower her laptop was still on so I went on her skype. Her freaking ex was in the contact list so I deleted and blocked him. I asked her why she didn't delete him since we have been skyping the times I wasn't visiting. Initially she said she didn't think about it and then said he never gets on anyway. Wrong answer! I told her just cut the ties, delete everything (I should have asked if she deleted everything cause that video ruined my whole weekend, still have flash backs), and be done with anyone from her past especially him. It makes me wonder cause she said she stopped talking to him after he got back with his ex. So it makes me wonder if I am just a substitute? Would she have wanted to R if she was still dating him? Maybe she doesn't want to be intimately connected because she still wants him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

needguidance said:


> Yes I stopped and I believe she did too. Its not about getting even. The thing that erked me too was I found an old video in her phone of her doing something with one of the guys she was with during the separation. It was an old video but I was pissed that it was still in her phone! I removed all media, numbers, emails and facebook ties I had with any recently and previously. I can't see her friends list on facebook so I have no idea who's deleted and who's night. Last night while she was in the the shower her laptop was still on so I went on her skype. Her freaking ex was in the contact list so I deleted and blocked him. I asked her why she didn't delete him since we have been skyping the times I wasn't visiting. Initially she said she didn't think about it and then said he never gets on anyway. Wrong answer! I told her just cut the ties, delete everything (I should have asked if she deleted everything cause that video ruined my whole weekend, still have flash backs), and be done with anyone from her past especially him. It makes me wonder cause she said she stopped talking to him after he got back with his ex. So it makes me wonder if I am just a substitute? Would she have wanted to R if she was still dating him? *Maybe she doesn't want to be intimately connected because she still wants him?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not saying that your W is having an affair, I don't know that,I can't know.

Go to the Coping With Infidelity section and read the many threads of women in affairs who don't have sex with their husbands because they are saving it for the other man


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> She is just into you and might be in R for other reasons. I would be devastated if I were you in this position


I agree.

She is NOT into you.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Quit jumping threw her hoops. Be the best man you can be , not the one she wants you to be. You will wear yourself out trying to please her. You come across as needy. Quit trying to make everything better for her!


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Yeah I am trying to be less needy. I know maybe we went about things backwards. Maybe when I came to visit I should have been staying at a friends place or a hotel. Atleast then it could be really be starting over, us being in separate places while I'm in town instead of sleeping in the same bed like we really started. Maybe I shuld have waited to tell her I loved her again. I just don't like the position I'm in right now and one thing I'm trying to work on is patience, not giving up. If this happened 6 months ago and we were R, I would have dropped it totally over her not giving me sex and moved on again. When I think about it though it sounds so childish on my end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Its pretty clear man. 

If shes fine having a good amount of sex with others but not with you then you have to seriously conside the fact that shes just not attracted to you. 

There she was going out and getting her fix daily during the separation yet here you are begging for scraps after you've agreed to R. 

Weakness and indecisiveness really isn't attractive to a woman, not at all.

You shouldn't be begging or even asking, you should be demanding. 

A healthy sex life is one pillar of a healthy marriage, and she needs to know that if the relationship is ever gonna be repaired the sex life is mandatory, no negotiations. 

Stop begging and pleading to her, its not gonna change anything

Firstly you two need counseling.

Secondly, as much as I don't believe the whole Alpha/beta thing you need to be more Alpha and man up. Don't let her be the one who gives the green light or the red light on your sex life.(This doesn't mean have an affair it means make yourself and your stance known) Thats the only way you'll be attractive to her, not by tugging on her skirt asking pretty please.

Right now she holds all the cards you need to take them back. She needs to know that if she doesn't care about your needs(yes *sex is most definitely a need*) then there can be no marriage. If one partner doesn't care about the other partner's needs outside of convenience, then you're basically married to a room mate.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My thoughts are that sex with you has much more baggage attached to it than sex with these other guys did. With them she could just relax and enjoy it. With you she has all this history weighing on her that is putting a damper on her libido. 

I think you need to work on this with a professional if you want any hope of having a fulfilling relationship. I suspect there is a lot of unresolved feelings on both sides that is like a giant elephant in the room.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I think you need to work on this with a professional if you want any hope of having a fulfilling relationship. I suspect there is a lot of unresolved feelings on both sides that is like a giant elephant in the room.


:iagree:

And you need to be able to clearly tell your wife that nothing makes it more clear to a man that a woman is into him than her giving up her body.

Tell her that if she can't 100% devote herself to you and throw herself at you, her body is betraying what her mind is thinking.


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

I have gone thru a similar thing if you read my post from just last week. It sucks, and is hard to deal with. Keep your head up, and good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're not in reconciliation. I could make a list of the facts that prove this, but you're not going to listen so I won't bother. But it's quite clear to everyone reading that your reconciliation is a false one. Sorry.


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## dabdab1000 (Aug 8, 2012)

why would she tell you what happened,it's not nice...perhaps they didn't happen and she's trying to make you jealous???

If she's not giving you sex right now and that was the reason you separated, maybe she's seeing if you want her emotionaly and not just physically???

Don't get hung up onthe sex part and enjoy courting again, offer her some kissing, cuddling, massage etc...if she's responsive (even if you don't have sex) she's stillintoyou


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Let us look at the situation. You cheated since she was LD but she was HD once you guys separated ? 

Conspiracy theory 1: Any chance she was cheating during the marriage

2: Maybe she lost attraction after your infidelity (Does she know the complete truth?)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nothing really mysterious here. She wants to be financially supported. She puts cheese on the trap when her security is in question. Once the wage-earning mouse is in the trap, she puts the cheese away.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let's see she has been getting and enjoying it at least once a day and she now wants you back but be celibate? And sex was wat dove you apart the first time?

Just doesn't add up, unless she is still seeing someone and planning on keeping the affair active.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Update: 
Well we talked about things and I asked her why she was approaching things like this and if she was just being loyal to someone she was still. I know when I had the affair and I told her this too, its hard to give your energy to two people. Somebody is going to get the real you and someone is going to get the fake you. She mentioned I'm the only one she wants to be with and there is no one else lingering in the picture. As far as her wanting to take things slow she said pretty much she dried up after the affair and that's why it was so hard to work things and have sex. With the present time she said it was easier meeting someone new and it was just sex, no feelings. She says with me though we have a lot of history, she wants to see if I'm really here to stay and not change my mind when I get frustrated or run out and find someone new when I don't get what I want. Plus she said there is baggage between us and she's scared it might be awkward. I'm so confused because before she was uncomfortable even being naked around me but now we are taking showers together again. In addition to that I've been giving her massages every night with her naked. Its making me more frustrated but I feel like each time I'm getting closer to the goal line. A few yards here, couple completions there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Just watch as some have a tendency to move the goal post, as soon as you get close.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Man, you've moved completely into doormat territory. Read no more mr nice guy ASAP. Nightly massages and no sex at all??? Lol.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Man, you've moved completely into doormat territory. Read no more mr nice guy ASAP. Nightly massages and no sex at all??? Lol.


:iagree:And possibly why she doesn't want to have sex with him. Dwindling respect


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> :iagree:And possibly why she doesn't want to have sex with him. Dwindling respect


Agreed. Can not let this continue.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Update:

I finally got a hold of a digital copy (Thanks to Kindle App on Android thru Amazon) of MMSL! It's excellent so far. I am almost half way through the book. Half way through I am starting to realize where I am slacking. A lot of things change when my mom passed (her death, me taking on her house note and taxes on the house, etc.) and not to mention my sons birth which was all so close together. It's like I didn't have time to grieve and I didn't have time to accept my sons birth because I had so much resent towards my wife who was my gf at the time. I felt like everything was so rushed and even after I moved back in with her the first time we broke up, I remember things being just like they are now. It took time before anything actually happened between us intimately. I can't remember exactly but I think it was about 60 days max before I got back to where we were. I think my problem lies financially. Im always worried about money which takes away the Alpha traits I carried when I met her. I could give a damn about losing her let alone her being with another man. Ive become so beta over the last 5 months because I lost my job 2nd job in Mar of this year due to a small F* up on my part. It killed all the extra I was making over the last 2 years which brought me to being more Beta. I think once I get a hold on my debt then I can be myself again but thats not the only part. Im a huge sports fan and I remember when I met her I was really into working out and playing basketball. I have played in about a year or so faithfully. I have been more working out more again the last 3-4 weeks since we started reconciling. Now understand, I have always been in shape when I met her but I was definitely in a lot better shape when I met he four years ago then I was about 5 months ago when we split. Im not completely back to where I was but I am about 35% there.

This time I have learned to back off but still keep a good lines of communication. I want her to know that I want to be with her but Im not going to bend over backwards to get her back. Today she kind of pissed me off because I called her early in the day and later but she never picked up the phone, just texted. So I was like cool, I'll space my texts out when she sends the last text of the night I won't respond at all. So I think the best thing I can do is return to my good evil ways but alter them a little bit so I stay the same but not so much of the A* hole she encountered eventually in our relationship. I can't wait to finish the book and while I was visiting this past week she picked up two books too while we were at the store. I can't remember the names but it looks like she is willing to improve and work us finally! I guess really it takes time. I think I was rushing things because I remember when I moved backed in before when were dating I was still doing bad stuff but we worked things out. Now I look at it as I am doing things on the good end completely and I want things to work out fast. Unfortunately its still the same process, a matter of time. I tried to kiss her for 10 seconds but I couldn't find a decent moment to make it happen. I probably could have done it the day she dropped me off at the airport cause we were just pecking a lot. I got discouraged because we were at the airport and it was a lot of people out. Lol I guess there are humps I am still getting over too but we will get there together!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

needguidance said:


> *So my wife and I decided to R but she wants to practice celibacy now that we are back together?* I'm so confused because during our separation we had a really good friendship to the point I was comfortable enough hearing about her dating life. I'm not going to say she slept around a lot but as far as what I got out of it she had a very "healthy" sexual appetite. Now mind you one of the guys she was dating was her ex that she knew before me. He was in that mix of guys she was dating. Where I get confused at is us working things out but she has no sexual interest towards me at all. I've tried to be patient about things and not ask for a deadline or put any pressure on her about it. The only reason I wanted a D in the first place was because we weren't have sex frequent enough for me. I thought she has LD but hearing her tell me about things that happened while we were separated, she clearly still had HD like myself. I'm just confused, frustrated and I feel like the new feelings I have for her are going to be replaced with the feelings I had prior to us divorcing. Not to mention I feel like her ex may ruin us starting over. Any help or similar situations?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would say this is not an R. It casts doubt on all sorts of things.

Get checked BTW.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

needguidance said:


> It just doesn't add up though. I trust that she has cut all ties with guys prior to the R especially her ex because I did the same once I realized she was back in it. She shows affection, seems loving and I can tell she's almost to that point where she naturally loves me again but right now its not enough indications to confirm. I still have not had a real kiss from her. A lot of pecking but I want some tongue action! She's definitely more touchy feely since the last time I saw her (we live in different states but I am moving back end of Sept). Every time I visit I feel like this is eating away at me from the inside out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She was HD because she loved the sex she was having with various men.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

needguidance said:


> I don't want to put her business out like that. Let's just say she mentioned at one point she was getting a dose every day. Prior to the separtion I was practically begging for it. Now I haven't given the full story but due to our lack of sex when we got married, I had quite a few affairs and one that she found out about a quater into the marriage. I'm just not built to withstand long term unhappiness. I got to the point when we had dry spells and I did everything I could to make her happy (not going out with my friends, spending more time with her, show her I was a fun dad to our son, taking off from my other job for her and our son, cooking, keeping things organized, etc.) Id see my mistress or who ever I was dealing with at the time. I honestly think she may just be seeing if I am really serious about this by with holding things as long as she can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Sounds like she enjoyed the whole cuckolding thing. Not trying to beat you up but this is what this says to me.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I would say this is not an R. It casts doubt on all sorts of things.
> 
> Get checked BTW.


I already have, negative. It's you can look at it as she has her doubts on us and she doesn't want to get wrapped up in emotionally that way or as my friend told me, it looks suspicious. As I said I wasn't an angel before we or I decided for the D. Then I had to think it had only really been 2 weeks tops since we officially went into R phase. When I started mentioning it to her the last week of July she was very hesitant but by the time I visited the first weekend of August it was definitely solid that we would work on being together again. When I came back this past week, today would be officially three weeks were in for R mode. Now honestly who can really put a timeframe on when you officially jump back in the bed together? Mind you I told her I feel like things were confused a bit. We were still kissing, being naked around each other (which really, really throws things off), and going to sleep in the same bed. Honestly it could have been better if we started actually dating again as if we physically lived in the same area but different households. Its just really harder on us now and things have to speed up because we live in different states and I convinced her to move out of the country with me. I could have easily move on and tried working things from a distance but I figured that would be a huge distraction for both us and I know if someone tried to work things from a difference with me it would never work. Simply because I don't believe in long distance relationships. I think I had that moment of clarity this time that it does take time for her to come around again. Its not immediate or fast, when the time is right we will take it to the next level. I was just hoping we took it to that level before we leave the U.S. lol.


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## CaptVere (Aug 27, 2012)

needguidance said:


> So my wife and I decided to R but she wants to practice celibacy now that we are back together? I'm so confused because during our separation we had a really good friendship to the point I was comfortable enough hearing about her dating life. I'm not going to say she slept around a lot but as far as what I got out of it she had a very "healthy" sexual appetite. Now mind you one of the guys she was dating was her ex that she knew before me. He was in that mix of guys she was dating. Where I get confused at is us working things out but she has no sexual interest towards me at all. I've tried to be patient about things and not ask for a deadline or put any pressure on her about it. The only reason I wanted a D in the first place was because we weren't have sex frequent enough for me. I thought she has LD but hearing her tell me about things that happened while we were separated, she clearly still had HD like myself. I'm just confused, frustrated and I feel like the new feelings I have for her are going to be replaced with the feelings I had prior to us divorcing. Not to mention I feel like her ex may ruin us starting over. Any help or similar situations?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh come on. You know what to do. Why are you even asking? This is over. Go work on yourself and then find someone who loves and respects you because this woman does not.


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