# EA, well at least I didn't F*** him



## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

Anyone else have a spouse, EA only, that periodically brings up that the EA did not go physical, and pats themselves on the back for that.

On one hand I am grateful that it did not go physical, but I'm still angry and resentful that she explored the possibility of an outside relationship while married to me.

Every few weeks, when she mentions hey not physical, I take her through the sequence, and in the end she agrees what she did was wrong, and she would be upset if I did that. But it does not seam to stick.

EA only, Do you want a cookie?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'll answer as a wayward H who had an EA only - Nope. Not even once. Did she tell the OM ILY? How deep was her EA?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The fact she keeps bringing it up and bragging that it didn't go PA is so disrespectful.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

She needs to stop trying to make herself feel better, which is all she's doing. If it was physical, she'd say at least she didn't go at it unprotected. If she was unprotected, she'd say at least she didn't give you an STD. If she gave you an STD, she'd say at least it wasn't aids. There is ALWAYS an "at least." 

She betrayed you. Her opinion as to what the "level" of betrayal was does not matter. You are the offended party and shouldn't have to put up with her disrespectful comments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Otheways WS's can pat themselves on the back (note: not all this applies for every WS)-

"Well, at least I didn't get herpes"

"Well, at least I didn't get pregnant or get someone pregnant"

"Well, at least I told the truth after the 3rd time of getting caught"

"Well, at least it wasn't more than 3 different OM/OW's"

"Well, at least I had the decency of using you as my back up plan"

"Well, at least I didn't sleep with your brother/sister"

"Well, at least I didn't completely siphon off the checking account to finance my affair"

"Well, at least I completely shatter your heart to the point where you won't take me back."


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

That makes as much sense as if the roles had been reversed and you said to her *"Yes I fvcked the OW but at least I didn't love her"*. Sheesh!!


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

I was thinking about this today hence why I'm finding myself drawn back to this site a lot. I'm still pissed that my spouse also pats herself on the back for not having "sex" with her EA. She only texted him explicit pictures so we're good... right? 

I STILL have this pit in my stomach that says something isn't right. Why text naked pics of yourself to some guy if you had no intent on sex or weren't at least planning it?


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Yeah, that really makes her look like a saint.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You had the appropriate response in your post.

"Would you like a cookie?"


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

This needs to be thrown right back at her:

"So what your saying...honey..is that since you didn't let this man shove his penis into you...since all you did was become so emotionally attached...so much in fact that it drove a wedge right threw the heart of the man you sore to forsake above all others...drove me mad with thoughts of betrayal and what did I do wrongs...physically made me ill... collapsed my spirit and threatened my emotional stability...but since you didn't let him toss his penis in your mouth...I should be thankful?

Honey...why don't you think about that one for awhile before you decide to bring it up again.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

This is what happens when there is no remorse.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I can relate to this. My WW had an EA only also. She doesn't keep bringing this up, mind you, but it did come up during our hellish 20-30 days or so post DDay.

This moment was the closest, by far, I've ever been to striking someone out of anger. About 3-4 days after DDay, when we were still arguing and crying and hating life, she said, "God, I might as well have just F*cked him!"

I still don't quite understand how I didn't just tell her to get out of my house when she said that. And I'll NEVER forget it. But looking back, I know she said it not because she was dying to do that, but because I wasn't letting her off the proverbial hook.

She went through a phase where she wanted credit too. Like, what she did was wrong, but since they didn't have sex (or even kiss at all), I shouldn't be AS upset as I was. She said there was no way they ever would have gone PA while we were married. She knows I don't believe that statement for a minute. But since they were friends for years, and they had a million chances to connect physically, and yet hadn't, it's possible she meant that. And yes, I know for a fact they didn't go PA.

It's things like this that make it darn near impossible to heal. I've divulged some things to a close circle of friends, but I've never told them she said those words.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OP--she's not owning what she did. And at minimum, doesn't understand the gravity of what she's done. Her comments sound extremely entitled.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> This is what happens when there is no remorse.


Yes, or at least not enough remorse. My W always admitted her mistake, felt bad she hurt me so much. But even still, she wanted me to recognize her being respectful enough to withhold the physical part. 

I do get the point she's making, but that doesn't do anything to curb pain. And this never comes up anymore. We really don't talk about the A much these days. It's been 5 months.


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## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

@sigma1299
She did not tell the OM ILY. She did tell me she was in love with the OM, but reversed her-self the next day. The EA was otherwise shallow, 2-3 months. About 3 years back, but I found out the details this past summer. She says very little communication, but she did ask the OM what there was between them.

@Jellybeans
To be fair she does not bring this up out of the blue. It just comes up in our conversation as we discuss problems, issues and the EAs.

@WhereAmI
It is part of making her self feel better. She told me recently that she needs to forgive her-self and get past this. Which is true. She is on anti-depressants and sometimes anti-anxiety meds to help her over come her emotional distress. But I feel she's kind of trying to glide over this stuff. And I'm not sure what I need to get past this, it's just that sometimes her apologies does not seem heart-felt.


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## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> She went through a phase where she wanted credit too. Like, what she did was wrong, but since they didn't have sex (or even kiss at all), I shouldn't be AS upset as I was.


Exactly this! My wifes words are often, since nothing physical happened why are you so upset?



Gabriel said:


> Yes, or at least not enough remorse. My W always admitted her mistake, felt bad she hurt me so much. But even still, she wanted me to recognize her being respectful enough to withhold the physical part.
> 
> I do get the point she's making, but that doesn't do anything to curb pain.


And this. Thanks Gabriel.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It bothers you so you should let her know.

I agree with the poster who said this is what happens when there's no remorse.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband has not said that to me since the day I found out. If he did I would throw his clothes right back out the door.

Here's something he emailed me 4 days after D day"
_Whether or not that I did the deed with the escort or not on Dec 16 or not matters not. 

What matters is that I had the intent to meet someone outside the marriage for intimate relations. That is just as bad as having sex with someone other than you.

I don’t know why I tried to argue with you on Saturday about that. I should have told you that having the intent was just as bad as actually having sex and stopped arguing with you. _


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If my wife ever said that to me I'd laugh so hard I'd wet myself. I mean if she banged him like she bangs me that must make him the Pope.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Oh this.. 
My stbxw told me about the EA then noticing how crushed I was made it a PA and left me. 

"At least I was honest about it"


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Jellybeans is always on the mark! You need to talk to her and make her understand that she didn't do you any favors by not going physical with this guy. It's not something to be proud of because, even though she may not have give him her ENTIRE body, she did give him a piece of her heart. 

Someone gave me a great definition on what cheating is one time. Cheating is when you do something or say something to someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse. That's cheating. She needs to understand that.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

As a wayward, I have never once even thought that it would be appropriate to "pat myself on the back" like that. It's really disrespectful to you and shows how little she has accepted her role in what happened.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This totally reminded me of back when I was first becoming suspicious of his affair but did not yet have the proof. I knew I was not comfortable with his relationship with her but he would always tell me "She's just my friend. You wouldn't be comfortable with my friendship with her, but at least I ain't fvcking her!" Ummm,,,yeah he was. 
Well......
Well, at least I didn't call the cops to have my cheating husband thrown off my property when he refused to leave after he had already moved out.....oh wait, yes I did.
Well, at least I didn't threaten to press theft charges against him if he didn't immedietly return my belongings when he stole from me after the divorce was final...oh wait, yes I did.
Well, at least I didn't use his own toothbrush to clean the dog's teeth after I found out about his affair....oh wait, yes I did.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> This totally reminded me of back when I was first becoming suspicious of his affair but did not yet have the proof. I knew I was not comfortable with his relationship with her but he would always tell me "She's just my friend. You wouldn't be comfortable with my friendship with her, but at least I ain't fvcking her!" Ummm,,,yeah he was.
> Well......
> Well, at least I didn't call the cops to have my cheating husband thrown off my property when he refused to leave after he had already moved out.....oh wait, yes I did.
> Well, at least I didn't threaten to press theft charges against him if he didn't immedietly return my belongings when he stole from me after the divorce was final...oh wait, yes I did.
> Well, at least I didn't use his own toothbrush to clean the dog's teeth after I found out about his affair....oh wait, yes I did.


:lol::lol::lol:
You have such nice vindictive qualities about you:smthumbup:


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Your post did make me laugh. I have heard "Well it was only sex. I didn't really have strong feelings for him". These types of statements are made by spouses who just don't get it. Oh they would get it if they were cheated on, but they don't get why you are "overreacting". I would be very careful with your wife and watch her carefully...clearly if this was no big deal, then why not do it again?


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> I would be very careful with your wife and watch her carefully...clearly if this was no big deal, then why not do it again?


Sigh...

This is what concerns me the most. The knowledge that she can bury this EA quickly and without remorse worries me greatly. Even more so at what other things she could bury without remorse.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Chrono said:


> Sigh...
> 
> This is what concerns me the most. The knowledge that she can bury this EA quickly and without remorse worries me greatly. Even more so at what other things she could bury without remorse.


Hey Chrono, I read your post about your wife sending naked pictures to another man and I can honestly tell you, I know exactly how you feel. It ended my relationship to a woman I thought I was going to marry. Don't kid yourself - it is a big deal...huge deal and it is infidelity. Most guys would dump her butt for this. She needs to understand the gravity of the situation. No one should be seeing her naked body other than you, her husband. If she doesn't get that, do you wan to be with her?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Ugh, yeah, my stbx did the same with his first affair. But, honestly, I really think that he DID become physical with her. The conversations I found were all flirtatious and I think it was purely an attraction thing. I don't think he loved her or anything. I almost, ALMOST, wish that both the affairs were just physical and not an EA. I might have preferred just a ONS. Who knows. It hurt like hell, either way.


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