# One foot out the door



## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

well for starters I'm new here. I'm 35 years old I've been married to my husband for 17 years and I'm either at my breaking point or nearing a breakdown maybe both. I've been unhappy in the marriage for awhile now and I've expressed this to him. I've talked to a therapist twice on my own and read books and basically do whatever I can to become happy again and ita not working. I feel ignored and like I'm not a priority. He hardly ever answers his phone when I call, we never go out on dates just the 2 of us and I mean never, we never have sex, we don't sleep in the same bed. I'm the bread winner and I'm gone for 10 to 11 hours a day and he's home way more than me but yet I do everything around the house. But what has really did me in is what has happened these last few weeks. Memorial day weekend I planned this trip to the lake, rented a cabin months in advance. I was super excited because it was also my birthday weekend. He ends up leaving me there alone for the whole weekend claiming he doesn't feel good. So naturally I'm very upset about it. Then the following weekend my sister plans a surprise party for me which he is late too. I get there before him and the party has already started. Then this past weekend we're all hanging out with some friends and this girl asks him for a ride home so he takes her without saying **** to me, without asking without telling me by I mean I can't even believe all this. I try calling him and of course he ignores me. I just don't know how much I can take I feel like I'm going insane. Should I just be done with this?


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

I’m sorry I have nothing constructive to add in my comment. I’m a cheating wife who really has no room to give advice on marriage right now. I don’t feel it’s responsible for me to give advice. But I’d leave this man immediately. This doesn’t sound like a marriage at all and he already seems to have 2 whole feet out. 

Why do you sleep in separate beds? AND you’re the breadwinner and expected to do everything at home too? AND he can’t make any time to make you feel like a priority or even the 4th, 5th, 6th priority on his list? 

How long has it been like this?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it sounds like you have been too easy on this user , he seems to be using you , did you ever sleep in the same bed was it he or you that moved out of the bed , you say all the good points about you what are your bad points , you don't have to respond to that just worth thinking about them and make a list of the good and bad for both then make a list for him and see if you still think it is worth going on with him ,


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You can't control HIM -- you can control YOU only. I presume you don't have kids since you didn't mention it?
HE is not responsible for you being happy -- only YOU can do that. Clearly he isn't a good partner for you at all.
YOU do the house work after working all day? What EXACTLY does he do? It really sounds like he isn't contributing at all to the marriage -- he doesn't work to contribute $$, he doesn't work around the house -- what is he doing all day?
I think you need to tell him he needs to get a job ASAP and that YOU are not going to pay all of the bills.
Take him off the accounts -- if he wants money, he has to ask you and justify it. If HE wants something he can work for it.
Sounds like you are the Mother in this relationship.
You need to work on YOU -- exercise, eat right, sleep, improve (going to the counselor etc.) for YOU, not for him or your marriage.
You might want to start doing the 180: 180 for Betrayed Spouses 
This is to help YOU start to detach from him.
See a lawyer so at least you know WHAT divorce would look like (financial, custody, assets, etc.) so that you can at least plan.
What are his reasons for NOT being with you, for NOT considering you when he took that girl home (which is a complete NO -- he's not single, not appropriate). YOU can also have said, NOPE not happening -- she can get a ride from someone else -- I don't let MY husband give rides to single women without me in the car, PERIOD. YOU are allowed to have YOUR boundaries. What he did was complete BS. He sounds like you are the mom who gives him money, and he can continue to live the single life. He is NO partner, and not mature at all.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Gemini106 said:


> well for starters I'm new here. I'm 35 years old I've been married to my husband for 17 years and I'm either at my breaking point or nearing a breakdown maybe both. I've been unhappy in the marriage for awhile now and I've expressed this to him. I've talked to a therapist twice on my own and read books and basically do whatever I can to become happy again and ita not working. I feel ignored and like I'm not a priority. He hardly ever answers his phone when I call, we never go out on dates just the 2 of us and I mean never, we never have sex, we don't sleep in the same bed. I'm the bread winner and I'm gone for 10 to 11 hours a day and he's home way more than me but yet I do everything around the house. But what has really did me in is what has happened these last few weeks. Memorial day weekend I planned this trip to the lake, rented a cabin months in advance. I was super excited because it was also my birthday weekend. He ends up leaving me there alone for the whole weekend claiming he doesn't feel good. So naturally I'm very upset about it. Then the following weekend my sister plans a surprise party for me which he is late too. I get there before him and the party has already started. Then this past weekend we're all hanging out with some friends and this girl asks him for a ride home so he takes her without saying **** to me, without asking without telling me by I mean I can't even believe all this. I try calling him and of course he ignores me. I just don't know how much I can take I feel like I'm going insane. Should I just be done with this?


Yes. No sex at your age is a deal breaker. Something weird is going on with him. It's unlikely you'll be able to fix it.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it sounds like you have been too easy on this user , he seems to be using you , did you ever sleep in the same bed was it he or you that moved out of the bed , you say all the good points about you what are your bad points , you don't have to respond to that just worth thinking about them and make a list of the good and bad for both then make a list for him and see if you still think it is worth going on with him ,





frenchpaddy said:


> it sounds like you have been too easy on this user , he seems to be using you , did you ever sleep in the same bed was it he or you that moved out of the bed , you say all the good points about you what are your bad points , you don't have to respond to that just worth thinking about them and make a list of the good and bad for both then make a list for him and see if you still think it is worth going on with him ,


This is a fair and interesting question. My bad points are I can't seem to let anything go, I harp on the past and can't seem to move forward, I definitely don't have the best communication skills but its something I'm working on. I'm definitely not a perfect spouse.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sounds like the connection and the relationship are already done. All that’s left now is the paperwork with the courthouse to finish up the legal and financial matters.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it sounds like you have been too easy on this user , he seems to be using you , did you ever sleep in the same bed was it he or you that moved out of the bed , you say all the good points about you what are your bad points , you don't have to respond to that just worth thinking about them and make a list of the good and bad for both then make a list for him and see if you still think it is worth going on with him ,





jlg07 said:


> You can't control HIM -- you can control YOU only. I presume you don't have kids since you didn't mention it?
> HE is not responsible for you being happy -- only YOU can do that. Clearly he isn't a good partner for you at all.
> YOU do the house work after working all day? What EXACTLY does he do? It really sounds like he isn't contributing at all to the marriage -- he doesn't work to contribute $$, he doesn't work around the house -- what is he doing all day?
> I think you need to tell him he needs to get a job ASAP and that YOU are not going to pay all of the bills.
> ...


Exactly I feel like his mother. We do have a 17 year old son together and he has his on business and works a few days a week but I pull the majority of the weight financially. And I was actually the one who moved out of our bed hes up alot through out the night and I can't sleep with that. And as far as the girl goes you are spot on he should not be giving single girls a ride home i felt and still feel so disrespected.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Gemini106 said:


> My bad points are I can't seem to let anything go, I harp on the past and can't seem to move forward,


Why do you think ^^this^^ is? You can't fix the past. Holding a grudge or nursing past issues is only hurting yourself. 

Your husband isn't a participant in the marriage. In fact, from what you've described you don't actually have a marriage in any sense of the word. Staying married to your husband reminds me of someone dragging a dead whale across the sand. 

No sex. No emotional fulfillment. No connection. No effort on his part. Honesty, other than your issues that are keeping you trapped, there is NO reason to stay.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> I’m sorry I have nothing constructive to add in my comment. I’m a cheating wife who really has no room to give advice on marriage right now. I don’t feel it’s responsible for me to give advice. But I’d leave this man immediately. This doesn’t sound like a marriage at all and he already seems to have 2 whole feet out.
> 
> Why do you sleep in separate beds? AND you’re the breadwinner and expected to do everything at home too? AND he can’t make any time to make you feel like a priority or even the 4th, 5th, 6th priority on his list?
> 
> How long has it been like this?


I've felt like this for so long that I had to get on antidepressants. I can't sleep in the bed with him because he's up and down through out the night and I have to get up at 6:30 am.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Why do you think ^^this^^ is? You can't fix the past. Holding a grudge or nursing past issues is only hurting yourself.
> 
> Your husband isn't a participant in the marriage. In fact, from what you've described you don't actually have a marriage in any sense of the word. Staying married to your husband reminds me of someone dragging a dead whale across the sand.
> 
> No sex. No emotional fulfillment. No connection. No effort on his part. Honesty, other than your issues that are keeping you trapped, there is NO reason to stay.


Thats another really good question I don't know why I can't let go of the past. I almost feel like just as start to heal and move on from something he does something else to hurt me and knocks me 10 steps backwards. I guess I drag the dead horse because its all I know I've had one other brief relationship other than this one.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

First, you need to look at yourself. Forget about him. You're posting here, not him. If you don't know why you can't let go of the past, don't you think you owe it to yourself to find out why? Again, get your focus off him. You can't control his behavior. 

You say he's "hurting" you. How? And YOU keep allowing it. Why? See where I'm going here? The problem you have is you are staying in a dead relationship. Complain about him and his problems all you want. But it won't fix YOU.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> First, you need to look at yourself. Forget about him. You're posting here, not him. If you don't know why you can't let go of the past, don't you think you owe it to yourself to find out why? Again, get your focus off him. You can't control his behavior.
> 
> You say he's "hurting" you. How? And YOU keep allowing it. Why? See where I'm going here? The problem you have is you are staying in a dead relationship. Complain about him and his problems all you want. But it won't fix YOU.


This is really solid advice. Thank you!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Gemini106 said:


> Exactly I feel like his mother. We do have a 17 year old son together and he has his on business and works a few days a week but I pull the majority of the weight financially. And I was actually the one who moved out of our bed hes up alot through out the night and I can't sleep with that. And as far as the girl goes you are spot on he should not be giving single girls a ride home i felt and still feel so disrespected.





Gemini106 said:


> I've felt like this for so long that I had to get on antidepressants. I can't sleep in the bed with him because he's up and down through out the night and I have to get up at 6:30 am.


 I bet he can't sleep the useless fecker is asleep all day or chatting to women on facebook when your at work , if he was tired he would sleep like a baby, leave him he is ok with his son and wife going out working and he stick his hand out the you and your son to feed him , i bet when you come home you do another days work picking up after the useless ball---


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I bet he can't sleep the useless fecker is asleep all day or chatting to women on facebook when your at work , if he was tired he would sleep like a baby, leave him he is ok with his son and wife going out working and he stick his hand out the you and your son to feed him , i bet when you come home you do another days work picking up after the useless ball---


You're right I do come and start my second shift as the maid. And he does sleep alot during the day and who knows what he's up doing at night. Probably worth investigating.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Gemini106 said:


> You're right I do come and start my second shift as the maid. And he does sleep alot during the day and who knows what he's up doing at night. Probably worth investigating.


 i would start there , you might be better off asking for help on how you do a history search on the phone or pc ,


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> i would start there , you might be better off asking for help on how you do a history search on the phone or pc ,


I'm definitely going to look into that. Thanks for the advice.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Gemini106 said:


> I'm definitely going to look into that. Thanks for the advice.


I wouldn't lose a second on this man. Take care of yourself and your son and file for divorce. I don't think it's even worth knowing what he does in your absence or during your sleep. Not worth it. You deserve a partner that cares for you and works as hard as you do to make your marriage work. He is clearly not invested in you or in his marriage. Leave and don't look back.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> You can't control HIM -- you can control YOU only. I presume you don't have kids since you didn't mention it?
> HE is not responsible for you being happy -- only YOU can do that. Clearly he isn't a good partner for you at all.
> YOU do the house work after working all day? What EXACTLY does he do? It really sounds like he isn't contributing at all to the marriage -- he doesn't work to contribute $$, he doesn't work around the house -- what is he doing all day?
> I think you need to tell him he needs to get a job ASAP and that YOU are not going to pay all of the bills.
> ...


I don't think she said he doesn't work, just that he is home more than her. Maybe he has a shorter commute?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Ok. So. You married your H when you were 18, and I assume pregnant? How old was your H? Also 18?

How long have you earned more than H?
He has his own business? What are the prospects of his expanding the business if he were motivated to do so?
How long has he been detached like you describe? Certainly he wasn't this way when you married him.
When did you notice your sex life start to slow significantly? Did you normally initiate, or did he? 

Do you know what you want? Do you want to bail on your marriage? Do you want to stay and change the dynamic?
Keep in mind that as the higher earner in a long term marriage, you could be on the hook for spousal support if you want a divorce.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Ok. So. You married your H when you were 18, and I assume pregnant? How old was your H? Also 18?
> 
> How long have you earned more than H?
> He has his own business? What are the prospects of his expanding the business if he were motivated to do so?
> ...


Yes married at 18 after getting pregnant. He was always the bread winner until the last year or so. He started his business last year and only works a couple days a week aside is still taking off. But when the shoe was on the other foot a he was working long hours I did what I could to ease the burden. I'm not getting the same support back. Our spark has begun to dramatically diminish over the last couple years. We both used to actually enjoy our time together and now I don't think either of us do. And as far as if I want bail or not I don't know I'm tired of trying. I'm exhausted.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Gemini106 said:


> Yes married at 18 after getting pregnant. He was always the bread winner until the last year or so. He started his business last year and only works a couple days a week aside is still taking off. But when the shoe was on the other foot a he was working long hours I did what I could to ease the burden. I'm not getting the same support back. Our spark has begun to dramatically diminish over the last couple years. We both used to actually enjoy our time together and now I don't think either of us do. And as far as if I want bail or not I don't know I'm tired of trying. I'm exhausted.


Did he lose his job, before trying to start a new business? Or was it a proactive decision? On average, a new business can take 3-4 years to turn a profit. Was this talked about when starting the new business? Is it moving in the right direction?

I'm focusing on these questions because from what you've described, I'm not sure the situation is unfixable. A lot of your problems seem to coincide with his change in employment.

First, to me he sounds depressed. A man who has provided for his family for 15 years, and now can't, is easily susceptible to it.

Second, men are simple critters. There's a relationship expert that I respect who nails it I think - Suzanne Venker:
6 Things Women Need to Know About Men

If you do decide you want to keep going, understand that maybe you can't change him. But you can change how he acts/reacts by understanding and playing to his nature. I mean, would you be happy if your man found his mojo again?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So do you want to continue to complain and vent, or do you actually want to do something about this mess?

I've been on TAM for a long time. As a rule, people either pull the trigger, get righteously angry, and begin the process of leaving or they stay and complain until everyone responding to them gives up and just leaves them to wallow.

So what is it about your husband that keeps you in this? Can you answer that? And, please, don't say, "I don't know." You MUST know something or else you wouldn't be here.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> So do you want to continue to complain and vent, or do you actually want to do something about this mess?
> 
> I've been on TAM for a long time. As a rule, people either pull the trigger, get righteously angry, and begin the process of leaving or they stay and complain until everyone responding to them gives up and just leaves them to wallow.
> 
> So what is it about your husband that keeps you in this? Can you answer that? And, please, don't say, "I don't know." You MUST know something or else you wouldn't be here.


Of course I want to do something about this mess. But I literally just joined this forum less than 24 hours ago hoping to get some insight and advice, I wasn't looking to make a life changing decision a couple hours later, just looking for unbiased opinions. As for what keeps in the this situation I think its lack of experience, life experience mostly and hope. Hopeful that he give this some effort to save it. But that's not happening and that's why I ended up here.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Did he lose his job, before trying to start a new business? Or was it a proactive decision? On average, a new business can take 3-4 years to turn a profit. Was this talked about when starting the new business? Is it moving in the right direction?
> 
> I'm focusing on these questions because from what you've described, I'm not sure the situation is unfixable. A lot of your problems seem to coincide with his change in employment.
> 
> ...


He's company he was working shut down at the beginning of covid. And as far as his business goes it was like a now or never situation. And I would be happy if we could get back to where we used to be but we're so far gone in the opposite direction I don't know if its possible.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Hubby broke up with you a while ago. He's just around for the paycheck. I hear this all the time... but with the genders reversed.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

dadstartingover said:


> Hubby broke up with you a while ago. He's just around for the paycheck. I hear this all the time... but with the genders reversed.


I disagree.

This man worked hard and supported them for 15 years. He lost his job to covid. The business he started after that is still new and not making ends meet. He's lost his mojo. He's probably low-key battling depression. Get him back on his jam, and he'll probably be that same man he's been for the first 15 years of the marriage.

But right now their "it's working" dynamic has been completely thrown off. Getting him to do the laundry more won't get that working dynamic back. Getting back to him being the hard working provider that he was is what's going to do it. The trick is what can OP do to help make that happen?


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

Gemini106 said:


> well for starters I'm new here. I'm 35 years old I've been married to my husband for 17 years and I'm either at my breaking point or nearing a breakdown maybe both. I've been unhappy in the marriage for awhile now and I've expressed this to him. I've talked to a therapist twice on my own and read books and basically do whatever I can to become happy again and ita not working. I feel ignored and like I'm not a priority. He hardly ever answers his phone when I call, we never go out on dates just the 2 of us and I mean never, we never have sex, we don't sleep in the same bed. I'm the bread winner and I'm gone for 10 to 11 hours a day and he's home way more than me but yet I do everything around the house. But what has really did me in is what has happened these last few weeks. Memorial day weekend I planned this trip to the lake, rented a cabin months in advance. I was super excited because it was also my birthday weekend. He ends up leaving me there alone for the whole weekend claiming he doesn't feel good. So naturally I'm very upset about it. Then the following weekend my sister plans a surprise party for me which he is late too. I get there before him and the party has already started. Then this past weekend we're all hanging out with some friends and this girl asks him for a ride home so he takes her without saying **** to me, without asking without telling me by I mean I can't even believe all this. I try calling him and of course he ignores me. I just don't know how much I can take I feel like I'm going insane. Should I just be done with this?


Update: I thought I'd make one last attempt so this morning I asked my husband if he'd do these marriage exercises that I found one being to compose a simple list the other a questionnaire. He declined and said marriage shouldn't be this much trouble. He has absolutely no intentions of trying. With that being said a couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity to take a second job i called this morning and it's still available. I'm taking it and getting the eff out. Thanks again everyone for the advice and support!


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Gemini106 said:


> Update: I thought I'd make one last attempt so this morning I asked my husband if he'd do these marriage exercises that I found one being to compose a simple list the other a questionnaire. He declined and said marriage shouldn't be this much trouble. He has absolutely no intentions of trying. With that being said a couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity to take a second job i called this morning and it's still available. I'm taking it and getting the eff out. Thanks again everyone for the advice and support!


Did you make it clear that this morning's ask was a last attempt? Was he made clearly aware that by declining, it meant that you are filing for D?

Also, have you ever brought up depression to him?


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Did you make it clear that this morning's ask was a last attempt? Was he made clearly aware that by declining, it meant that you are filing for D?
> 
> Also, have you ever brought up depression to him?


I didn't come out and say those exact words. And yes we have talked about depression his and mine both he takes antidepressants as well but he refuses to do any more work than that such as therapy etc. Mine depression is more situational is what my therapist told me and he is the sole direct cause of it. My conclusion not exactly my therapists. I've told him on multiple occasions that something had to change because I'm headed to a breakdown or my breaking point. And I don't want to deliver the im filing news until I have all my ducks in a row because once I tell him I'm not going to be around for the aftermath. And the thing is there is always excuse after excuse for his behavior but he doesn't nothing to change it. So I have to change it. I can't live like this it is sucking the life out of me. I'm married but have literally none of the benefits of it. I just hope this isn't going to be traumatizing on my son.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gemini106 said:


> Update: I thought I'd make one last attempt so this morning I asked my husband if he'd do these marriage exercises that I found one being to compose a simple list the other a questionnaire. He declined and said marriage shouldn't be this much trouble. He has absolutely no intentions of trying. With that being said a couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity to take a second job i called this morning and it's still available. I'm taking it and getting the eff out. Thanks again everyone for the advice and support!


You may want to check with an attorney before taking another job while he doesn’t have an income. 

Otherwise you may be at risk of paying spousal support depending on variety of factors and the divorce laws in your jurisdiction.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Gemini106 said:


> I didn't come out and say those exact words. And yes we have talked about depression his and mine both he takes antidepressants as well but he refuses to do any more work than that such as therapy etc. Mine depression is more situational is what my therapist told me and he is the sole direct cause of it. My conclusion not exactly my therapists. I've told him on multiple occasions that something had to change because I'm headed to a breakdown or my breaking point. And I don't want to deliver the im filing news until I have all my ducks in a row because once I tell him I'm not going to be around for the aftermath. And the thing is there is always excuse after excuse for his behavior but he doesn't nothing to change it. So I have to change it. I can't live like this it is sucking the life out of me. I'm married but have literally none of the benefits of it. I just hope this isn't going to be traumatizing on my son.


If you didn't come out and say it, I guarantee he didn't know those were the stakes.

It's obvious your mind was made up before coming here. Go ahead and do what you have to do. I will warn you though, as the primary breadwinner in a 17 year marriage be prepared for a bit of spousal support sticker shock. You might want to start by running those numbers through an attorney.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

He has income just not as much as mine. I'm not worried about spousal support because I don't intend to go after him for child support. And I was on the fence until this morning after basically being told I'm not worth the time or energy to write a few things down on a piece of paper. That's a really big reality check.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gemini106 said:


> He has income just not as much as mine. I'm not worried about spousal support because I don't intend to go after him for child support.


This is why you should talk to an attorney. 

With you being the higher earner and he being the parent at home, he may go after YOU for child support. 

Women automatically got the kids and automatically were the child support recipients in our parent’s generation of divorces. 

That is not always the case today. Do not assume that your vagina and ovaries gives you automatic child custody and child support or automatically protects you against shelling out spousal support. 

I am not an attorney in your jurisdiction so I can not say one way or another what your legal rights and responsibilities will be. But I can say that you should consult an attorney and find out before making any big decisions. 

Do not rely on gender-based assumptions because those assumptions are not always accurate today.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gemini106 said:


> This is a fair and interesting question. My bad points are I can't seem to let anything go, I harp on the past and can't seem to move forward, I definitely don't have the best communication skills but its something I'm working on. I'm definitely not a perfect spouse.


He is a parasite. Flush him out


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Gemini106 said:


> You're right I do come and start my second shift as the maid. And he does sleep alot during the day and who knows what he's up doing at night. Probably worth investigating.


Stop doing anything for him. Wash your kid and own clothes. Cook and grocery shop for yourself, do absolutely nothing for him. Stop being the maid. You need to shake things up alittle. Do the 180 on him, do not engage with him at all unless in terms of facts. He is a sponger


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Gemini106 said:


> I don't know why I can't let go of the past. I almost feel like just as start to heal and move on from something he does something else to hurt me and knocks me 10 steps backwards.


What is this about? Did he cheat and it got swept under the rug? Because, yeah, that never just goes away.



Gemini106 said:


> I didn't come out and say those exact words.


Many guys don't exactly do nuance. He probably didn't know how serious this was. Just because he doesn't want to do a specific exercise doesn't necessarily mean anything. If you are done, be done. If you actually want to try, I think you need to try something different than this, which to him probably equates to one of those teen magazine love quizzes.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Gemini106 said:


> He has income just not as much as mine. I'm not worried about spousal support because I don't intend to go after him for child support. And I was on the fence until this morning after basically being told I'm not worth the time or energy to write a few things down on a piece of paper. That's a really big reality check.


He is showing you who he is and how he values you. Believe him. Use the anger and disappointment. Go see a lawyer to find out what your best options are.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're nothing but financial support and a maid to your husband. I'm certain he has a whole other life going out there with other women. You're financially independent and you're young enough to do whatever you want. I mean if you only had this one life to live, would you waste it this way being miserable?

Don't even talk to him about it. Just get yourself a family attorney right away and file the papers. Let him scramble around and do whatever he wants about it. If you talk to him about it he's likely to do a bunch of wine to get you to stay so he doesn't lose financial support and his maid. Why put yourself through that when you know it's nonsense. 

Just file the papers and do everything you can to expedite the process.


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## wagon maker (Feb 27, 2020)

Gemini106 said:


> well for starters I'm new here. I'm 35 years old I've been married to my husband for 17 years and I'm either at my breaking point or nearing a breakdown maybe both. I've been unhappy in the marriage for awhile now and I've expressed this to him. I've talked to a therapist twice on my own and read books and basically do whatever I can to become happy again and ita not working. I feel ignored and like I'm not a priority. He hardly ever answers his phone when I call, we never go out on dates just the 2 of us and I mean never, we never have sex, we don't sleep in the same bed. I'm the bread winner and I'm gone for 10 to 11 hours a day and he's home way more than me but yet I do everything around the house. But what has really did me in is what has happened these last few weeks. Memorial day weekend I planned this trip to the lake, rented a cabin months in advance. I was super excited because it was also my birthday weekend. He ends up leaving me there alone for the whole weekend claiming he doesn't feel good. So naturally I'm very upset about it. Then the following weekend my sister plans a surprise party for me which he is late too. I get there before him and the party has already started. Then this past weekend we're all hanging out with some friends and this girl asks him for a ride home so he takes her without saying **** to me, without asking without telling me by I mean I can't even believe all this. I try calling him and of course he ignores me. I just don't know how much I can take I feel like I'm going insane. Should I just be done with this?


u are still too young to waste the rest of your life in this marriage. talk to your son about your problem with your husband, if your husband will, sit him down & tell him if things don't get better, u are leaving, if he won't sit & talk, then write him a letter explaining the problem, u can support yourself u bring most of of money now, depending on how long this has been going on, he isn't going to change, if he won't talk or read the letter, then talk to a divorce lawyer. life is too short to waste it on a guy who evidently doesn't still love u, if he ever did. at 35 there are many many guys who would love to be with u. find one.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Gemini106 said:


> Of course I want to do something about this mess. But I literally just joined this forum less than 24 hours ago hoping to get some insight and advice, I wasn't looking to make a life changing decision a couple hours later,


I didn't advise or advocate that you make a decision this minute. However, I did ask what direction you wish to take from this point forward. I asked you to clarify why you've tolerated the abuse this long. No need to get defensive. 

And I will stand by my response. If you want to complain, fine. We have folks who have remained in lousy marriages for years and they come here to vent. I say, feel free to vent away.


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