# Blended Family. Wife is extremely sensitive about step-son and my mother.



## tyler_mott85 (Nov 22, 2013)

Hello all.

Married for two years this month.

Wife and I each have children from previous relationships, one child together. She has primary custody of my step-son (4 yrs, we'll call him A). He gets visitation with his father one day a week, usually on Sundays. I have 50/50 shared custody of my daughter(5 yrs, we'll call her I). I have her Thurs evening until Mon AM every week. Our son is 18 months. We'll call him T.


Relationship is fine except for one issue. I feel like my wife is so completely over the top overly sensitive with how my step-son is treated. And nothing triggers this defensiveness more than my mother. Currently the issues surround the time my mother spends with each child.

My daughter has a half sister (10 yrs, We'll call her V). When I's mother and myself were dating my parents accepted V as their own grandchild. When we separated I had to make a decision to stop having anything to do with V as V's mother was using her against me, to control my emotions, etc. My parents stopped seeing her as well to help with the situation.

After my wife and I got married there was immediate tension between my wife and my mother. I wasn't too extremely worried because I am my mom's baby and i know it just takes her time to accept that I love someone other than her.

The issue right now, that continues to rise up is my wife thinks my mom doesn't spend equal time with our kids. About a year ago my parents decided to start spending time with V again. While I don't see why it's necessary, as I have decided to keep V at an arm's length forever I can see how my parents don't have quite as much emotions at stake with V's mother. 

One weekend my parents took A and I and V for a couple days and A was a wreck. Telling V that "she doesn't belong here, she' needs to go home, etc" I realized quickly that this was my wife coaching him to say negative things. Ever since then we've had an outstanding rule that V and A are never to be around each other. As my parents understand it, it's because we're worried that A will act up again. But as my wife and I know it, It's because my wife refuses to let A be with my parents while V is around. 

The first weekend of the month was my wife and I's anniversary. My parents kept A, I, and T for a night so we could go out. On veteran's day my mom kept I and V for the day. My wife is freaking out saying that my mom is not being fair with her time, etc. As my parents see it V and A are the same to them. "I" will always be the common link between all of the children so she will always have more time with the grandparents.

If my parents would stop seeing V it would solve everything. If my wife would just drop the "counting" and appreciate when "A" does get time with nana and papa, it would solve everything.

What am I missing here? 

This is the one issue that will undoubtedly tear us apart as we move forward. Any thoughts or suggestions?

-Stuck in the middle-


----------



## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Okay, step I can help in.. I was a step mom, and considering what a lech my H has turned into, I'm going to end up with a stepmom for my girls.. 

I have a few questions though.. There are some issues I'm not getting.. 

One.. What is the dynamic b/w your wife and V's mom? It appears that she feels threatened by V, and I'm wondering why.. What was the time frame b/w your relationship with V's mom and your wife? If it was short, or the cause of the end of your relationship with V's mom, well, that would explain a lot to me.. A. She feels guilty, and hence doesn't want her around and B. is worried about what V will say around A.. 

Two.. What is A's relationship with his biological grandparents? Are they around? Active? If they are not, then I can somewhat *see* where the issue is coming from, but not really get behind it.. I see it, b/c this is something I will face, as my mom is dead, my dad travels, and my STBXH's family never really accepted our kids, b/c they thought we shouldn't have any.. So, my kids don't really have grandparents.. So, while I would be envious if new skids have a good relationship with grandparents, that's not really the new grandparents issue, it's mine, kwim?

So.. I need a bit more info.. WHY is this an issue? Where is this coming from do you think?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your post is next to impossible to understand so I renamed the children with names that remind the reader of their relationships and age.
WS4 = Wife’s 4 year old son (A)
MD5 = my 5 year old daughter (I) (I is also a pronoun and made it even harder to read.)
MDHS10 = daughter’s half-sister, 10 years old (V)
OBS = our baby son (T)


tyler_mott85 said:


> Hello all.
> 
> Married for two years this month.
> 
> ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a relationship with your wife's parents? If so how do they treat all these children?


----------



## tyler_mott85 (Nov 22, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> Okay, step I can help in.. I was a step mom, and considering what a lech my H has turned into, I'm going to end up with a stepmom for my girls..
> 
> I have a few questions though.. There are some issues I'm not getting..
> 
> ...


The relationship between my wife and V's mother is only what is needed to be discussed about "I" and not much more. Schools issues, returning certain clothes, etc. My wife does seem to be pretty pushy when it comes to making sure we get things back. We lent my ex our copy of "i"s birth certificate and she is on me like mad to get it back since we "spent ten bucks on it". Little petty stuff to me, I'd just assume order another one and be done with it.

Time frame between my relationship with V and I's mother to my wife is about two years. I dated a couple women in between, as well.

A's grandparents are not around. They live in Nepal, which is where his father is originally from.

My in-laws treat all of the kids equally and there are no issues at all. Both of my in-laws, who are no longer together, both ask to see all three of the kids all the time. My parents all but refuse to have all three kids at the same time because "they don't know them that well" Especially the baby. 

I know my post was confusing with the letter's I assigned, sorry.


----------



## tyler_mott85 (Nov 22, 2013)

Wow. So respectful.


----------



## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

It appears that your wife views V and your ex as a threat.. Is she generally insecure? 

I've never been in the position, so it's hard to say that she's acting in an unreasonable manner.. However, she has no control over your parents, and they choose to have a relationship with V. 

So A has your wife's parents in his life. And her parents treat all 3 kids equally.. 

I think she's being a bit unrealistic if she's expecting your parents to act like HER parents.. People are in different stages of their lives.. 

How is your relationship with A? Can you have a heart to heart talk with her and ask her why she feels A is treated differently? What SHE thinks the issue is?

B/c if it's just that she feels your parents aren't acting like her parents do.. well, that's a different kettle of fish.. 

She shouldn't be threatened by V's mom, but is she?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm confused...do you and V's mum share a child together? You said your daughter and V are "half sisters". 

I find it very sad that you've cut V out of your life, that poor little girl


----------



## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

tyler_mott85 said:


> Hello all.
> 
> Married for two years this month.
> 
> ...


* It may have nothing to do with your ex-wife. Some kids don't welcome step siblings period. You can't force a child to share parents or grandparents. You have to treat your step kids nice without making your biological kids feel second best. JMO your kids are watching how you treat your ex. *


----------



## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

frusdil said:


> I'm confused...do you and V's mum share a child together? You said your daughter and V are "half sisters".
> 
> I find it very sad that you've cut V out of your life, that poor little girl


*Looks like OP has a current wife with serious issues about his ex-wife and kids. The kids are the ones that should be most important.*


----------



## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I'm confused...do you and V's mum share a child together? You said your daughter and V are "half sisters".
> 
> I find it very sad that you've cut V out of your life, that poor little girl


:iagree:

OP, V is your daughter's sister. It's not fair to your daughter to cut V out of your life.

That was your first mistake, IMO.


----------

