# where do I start...



## aztam (Sep 30, 2013)

@the beginning I suppose.

I have been married for 23 years in April, we have 3 kids 16, 18 and 20, the first affair started about year 4, I had found a letter one night he had wrote to her saying he would moved her out where he moved too. She said is was over with him and there was no sex involed, I was crushed, I worked my ass off 8-10 hrs a day, came home and played with my son, she says she felt neglected and that was why it happened.

I was full of rage at this betrayal, I wanted to fly to his state and hurt him but I did not, I instead enlisted into the Army (Ran away, so to speak) I had to wait for 4-5 months to leave for basic so our relationship got a little better and we ended up having another child in my first year in the Army. I assumed the cheating was behind us BUT once I got out of the army she had an affair with someone she worked with. I again tried to save the relationship by now we had our 3rd son.

I do not think she cheated again after this guy but the 'thought' and non-trust is always here. I found out recently she was texting a guy a lot (4-5 hours at a time) she claims it was innocent but how can it be with though times.

So here I sit typing this, she is gone for the weekend with her girlfriends and my mind is going crazy, is she really with them or someone else.

We have split twice now for several months but she always says she will change, I have had one relationship while we were separated, D paper were filed but we ended up getting back together.

I don't know what to do, do I just end it and move on, is there anyway to bring the trust back or has that bridge been burned down too many times?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She says she will change, but it doesn't seem anything has changed.

So, your lack of trust likewise did not change.

You will start to trust her when she begins to act trustworthy and stops doing things that are suspect. Like texting some guy 4-5 hours at a time. And then going on a trip with her "girlfriends." After already having cheated on you at least twice.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

aztam said:


> @the beginning I suppose.
> 
> he had our 3rd son.


You mean your 3° son is from the OM?

Is something happining now that makes you think something is going on?


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

aztam said:


> ...
> 
> We have split twice now for several months but she always says she will change, ...


She'll never change.


----------



## aztam (Sep 30, 2013)

jack.c said:


> You mean your 3° son is from the OM?
> 
> Is something happining now that makes you think something is going on?


meant 'we' 


She is texting a guy for 4-5 hours at night, she claims it is just a friend but I know if it were me texting a girl for that amount of time all hell would break lose.

I just do not understand how you can talk to another man for that amount of time if you are not 'involved' with him.


----------



## aztam (Sep 30, 2013)

I really do not trust her, whether that is fair or not, it is how I feel. I want to trust her BUT just when I start to think we are ok, stuff like this happens.

I just hate the though of throwing away 23 years.


----------



## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

She is involved with him. Why don't you respect yourself enough to hold her to the same standard that she would hold you?

I would be long gone if I were you. She's an unrepentant serial cheater, and this behavior isn't correctable. 

40 years from now, she's going to be slinking down the hall to visit one of her "dear friends" whilst in the nursing home. That is if she hasn't moved on with one of her other men by then.


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I dont get some of these scenarios...are you hoping someone can shed this horrible situation in a different lite to give you hope?

I dont see where the question is...this sounds like a lose/lose for you...time to lawyer up imo


----------



## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I dont understand the previous posters. 

''''''We have split twice now for several months but she always says she will change, I have had one relationship while we were separated, D paper were filed but we ended up getting back together.''''''

You are both as bad as each other. How often you have cheated and that she has cheated more often doesnt count. 

You both want a cheating relationship and that is what you are getting. 

Have I missed something.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Call it quits, file for the D>


----------



## aztam (Sep 30, 2013)

accept1 said:


> I dont understand the previous posters.
> 
> ''''''We have split twice now for several months but she always says she will change, I have had one relationship while we were separated, D paper were filed but we ended up getting back together.''''''
> 
> ...




I am not sure I consider my relationship cheating as we were seperated and papers that been files and delivered by her, we got back together about 8 months later


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hey Aztam, I hope you are OK - any updates since she went away for the weekend ?


----------



## aztam (Sep 30, 2013)

Well, she is back now. I confronted her on the texting, she showed ,e the messages and they seem innocent but I still feel it is wrong for her to text another man for hours at a time maybe I am being selfish IDK, the 'fear', trust issues from before just make it hard to trust her.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_I just do not understand how you can talk to another man for that amount of time if you are not 'involved' with him. _

You can't. This by definition is involvement.


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Aztam, you have kids then join the army? She has girls night out? You keep giving her chances after chances? You have a girlfriend during separation? I think your poor children have lousy immature parents. You are no better than your cheating wife. You will NEVER be able to trust your wife. I suggest you grow up, be a better dad, divorce your cheating wife, and grow up and be a real man. Be a role model to your kids. You had kids and then joined the army? Really?!? Your children should always come first, before the country. No thanks from me, for your service.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

She is your wife. You should not have to share her. If she doesn't want to "be" with you, then let her go and find a woman who values you. Not one who wants you as the provider while she plays around.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Read the texts and time stamps carefully. There are probably a bunch of deleted texts.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Bottom line, you don't spend that amount of time with another man just because you are friends. There have been poor boundaries with your wife for a long time. All of this is non-sense and you have been too nice to her. Many of us get the reluctance to quit on the M, but you need to end it. Why she continues her behavior is tha she has had no remorse for her actions and there have been not enough consequences.

If I had to do it all over again with my wife, when she did the sexting in 1999 and then again in 2010 I should have ended the M right then and there. I was warned that there would be a PA with someone new. Less then a year later it happened.

If your wife wants to continue in this behavior there is nothing you can do about it. But you can do something about how you react to it. If you put your foot down and say no more texting, ever to other men and her reaction is OK I won't and she doesn't then fine. But her reaction will more than likely be, "You can't tell me what to do". You will then have your answer, my responce would be, see ya.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

aztam said:


> I have been married for 23 years in April, we have 3 kids 16, 18 and 20, the first affair started about year 4


Damn I wish I only had 2 years of child support left. At least I'm sure my kids are mine though.

You still have time to salvage your life. Divorce her.


----------

