# Wife doesn't offer anything exciting to our marriage? how long can I go like this?



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I go from feeling happy to feeling sad....I just can't letter the feeling of frustration go....I can't accept my wife as the person she is....I think she should make an effort to be more present in our marriage...she never but never propose anything....doesn't think in anything fun, o ask me for anything in bed, or talk to me anything that she knows will make me happy is like she is not really a wife that has grown to understand that she needs to be her husband best friend and that's mean to be part of bringing ideas and emotions into the relationship...i just don't know how to get rid of this feeling of sadness and of not knowing how to fix it...:scratchhead:


----------



## jonny (Jan 8, 2011)

Others here are much more 'qualified' to help you with this.

I took a look at your recent posts - looks like you're looking for advice, that's the first step.

I think the next is you can't blame her for everything. How long have you been married? Did all of this just happen overnight - or has she always been like this? Have you let things keep going on just 'hoping' they'll get better?

This also ties into your personal boundaries and wants / needs. Read the sticky thread at the top of Mens Clubhouse about nice guys. 

Does she know you're fed up? Or do you hold everything inside?

It sounds to me like you're not at the end point, but really - closer to the beginning. But I didn't read all your old posts. Looking at your post count - you've been around the boards, but have you been productive here - or just helped yourself throw fuel on a fire?


----------



## jonny (Jan 8, 2011)

Okay - looked back through most pages of your posting history - You're focused on Sex. And seems like a TON. No judging here - I'm a guy and think about it constantly. 

BUT - does your wife know that? Answer is probably yes - which will probably put you into the Needy category. Beta Male. Also sounds like you're needy everywhere else. ( Like me , which I'm in the process of changing. )

The more sex you try to obviously get - the less you get. 

Read the sticky - everything in there - and stay away from the Sex area / Sex posts for awhile - they're not helping you obviously - just making things worse. Making you wish you had something different.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

jonny said:


> Others here are much more 'qualified' to help you with this.
> 
> I took a look at your recent posts - looks like you're looking for advice, that's the first step.
> 
> ...


Don't take this wrong Jonny, but based on your last post(s), that manning up is really working for you!

I'm impressed...


----------



## jonny (Jan 8, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Don't take this wrong Jonny, but based on your last post(s), that manning up is really working for you!
> 
> I'm impressed...


HA! Just like the rest of my life - Most talk no action! I'm regurgitating all the wise words from the awesome people here.

I'm on the right path, even if I'm going slower than I had hoped. The end result will be the same.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> I go from feeling happy to feeling sad....I just can't letter the feeling of frustration go....I can't accept my wife as the person she is....I think she should make an effort to be more present in our marriage...she never but never propose anything....doesn't think in anything fun, o ask me for anything in bed, or talk to me anything that she knows will make me happy is like she is not really a wife that has grown to understand that she needs to be her husband best friend and that's mean to be part of bringing ideas and emotions into the relationship...i just don't know how to get rid of this feeling of sadness and of not knowing how to fix it...:scratchhead:


Change your "can't" to "won't" and you've got it. You have been badgering that woman about everything having to do with sex, and I won't be suprised if you are actually pushing her away with your constant disappointment.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Change your "can't" to "won't" and you've got it. You have been badgering that woman about everything having to do with sex, and I won't be suprised if you are actually pushing her away with your constant disappointment.


He is adding stress on himself!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

jonny said:


> Okay - looked back through most pages of your posting history - You're focused on Sex. And seems like a TON. No judging here - I'm a guy and think about it constantly.
> 
> BUT - does your wife know that? Answer is probably yes - which will probably put you into the Needy category. Beta Male. Also sounds like you're needy everywhere else. ( Like me , which I'm in the process of changing. )
> 
> ...


Jonny, 

You are smart, you got it right away. 

I feel bad for marco, sometimes he is happy, sometimes he isn't, he keeps on pressuring the same issue, when I read his happy posts, I thought his problem is solved, then he goes again, he is back and forth. Don't know how to help him!


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Marco, 

Please read Buddhism stories, it will really help you become content with your life. 

Do you know that you are bringing unnecessary misery on yourself?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Marco,
I don't know what it is you are looking for but perhaps you should leave. It sounds to me like no matter what she does, it is never good enough. Set the poor woman free.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Change your "can't" to "won't" and you've got it. You have been badgering that woman about everything having to do with sex, and I won't be suprised if you are actually pushing her away with your constant disappointment.


I have to agree here.

I also have issues with sex in my marriage and in my over zealous need to get the issue resolved NOW and in my time frame (patience not being a virtue), I have become obssessed and pushed and pushed and pressured my husband. 

Took me a while to see this - thought if I "kept at it" it would work out and fast - doesn't work that way. While I'm someone who makes decisions quickly, gets things done and am ready for the next challenge - my husband is the opposite - takes him a while to make decisions, likes to process and think out all the variables and then implement things slowly (one of the reasons that I love him - he is SO SMART).

So he is feeling extremely pressured and I'm feeling extremely lonely and lost and unloved, undesired, un-everything. Now - we're both entitled to how we feel and I can't change his feelings of pressure and feeling like a sex object and he can't change my feelings of being neglected.

But what I CAN DO - is take some of the pressure off that is coming from ME, take a step back, focus on other issues in the marriage, be a better me (which I've been working on since last year and I feel a WHOLE LOT BETTER about myself), and then maybe, just maybe when he sees that I'm more calm and less concerned about sex and more concerned about him, as my husband and myself (taking care of me), that will help him to reach out to me and not pull away from me which is EXACTLY what he is doing now.

So think about backing off some. It took me a while to get this through my thick head as I am a stubborn woman, but I think I finally got it. She will still be there for you to have sex with in 3 months, just back off and release some of the pressure. Remember WHY you married her (I'm sure not just for sex), what other parts of the marriage are VERY GOOD...maybe you could learn what constitutes good in those areas and try to incorporate that in your sex life.

I hate to say this, but you do focus on SEX A LOT - in fact none of your post(s) have been about anything other than sex. And after reading your previous post(s), I realize that I'm heading in the same direction if I'm not careful and I do truly want my husband to feel like he's more to me than a sex object.

Sex is extremely important to me, probably as much as you, but I have to and am going to back off and release some of the pressure on my husband - might help if you do the same.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Change your "can't" to "won't" and you've got it. You have been badgering that woman about everything having to do with sex, and I won't be suprised if you are actually pushing her away with your constant disappointment.


:iagree:


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Jonny,
Awesome work on the journey. I think I'm at where you are now too in my journey. I used to obsess about sex and be needy, because I used to feel that if my wife had sex with me, she must admire me and that made me happy. Say NEEDY! Since starting my Man Up journey I can see where I went wrong, too. Now I feel empowered about sex but not Needy.

MWIL. Great news on your journey too! Although in my opinion and in my head if my wife treated me like a sex object for a while, hey! That's alright by me! Lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Marco,
> 
> Please read Buddhism stories, it will really help you become content with your life.
> 
> Do you know that you are bringing unnecessary misery on yourself?


Just trying to have from my wife, feedback, emotions, feelings, words, just wanted to feel desire, sexy and wanted.....a lot of sex, is not all the answers to men's needs, sharing his dreams, fantacies, being able to talk to them and feel emotiona, spiritual connection, is essential to have great sex...without it, it seems boring, or lacks of emotions.....i love my wife, just trying to help her to express herself, she is just not used to do it...


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Just trying to have from my wife, feedback, emotions, feelings, words, just wanted to feel desire, sexy and wanted.....a lot of sex, is not all the answers to men's needs, sharing his dreams, fantacies, being able to talk to them and feel emotiona, spiritual connection, is essential to have great sex...without it, it seems boring, or lacks of emotions.....i love my wife, just trying to help her to express herself, she is just not used to do it...


The goal is fine. The methods you are using are unproductive at best, destructive at worst. The harder you push, the more inadequate she is likely to feel. 

Go read Passionate Marriage by Schnark. Seriously before you get down a path that you can't get back from.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She isn't providing you what YOU want because you aren't providing HER what SHE wants. I would recommend first reading the book His Needs Her Needs by Harley. It explains why she feels no desire to make you happy. If you won't read that, go to affaircare.com and read up.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It can be extraordinarily difficult to get your head around the concept that you cannot 'make' your spouse change. People try to do it all the time.

They bend over backwards with kindness, affection, acts of service, thoughtfulness, or they yell, scream, mock, ignore, shut-out and shut down on their partners all with the expectation that they will change. They pursue a course with a focus of making their partner behave and think differently. And invariably they become frustrated, angry, anxious and resentful when their partners behavior worsens based upon the pursuit behavior of the partner that wants the change.

It just doesn't work. I have experienced it. I have seen it time and again on these forums, and in the lives of my friends and family.

The only thing that you can change without question, is how you feel about, and how you react to your spouses behavior. This concept is so utterly fundamental that it is disastrously easy to overlook. The only element in your relationship that you have full control over ... is you.

Whether you call it 'right fighting', 'runner and pursuer', 'his needs her needs', or finding 'balance' is immaterial.

There is one simple concept you need to grasp; "What I want, and what is important is about me."

It's not about him, it's not about her. Set the expectation that your partner will always behave in a manner that compliments what is important to you, and what you want, and YOU are not 'present' in your relationship.

Two are not One. Not ever. Don't even try to sell me on that concept. Not anymore.

Intimate relationships are fundamentally and inherently SELFISH. And that is good. For as long as both partners are having their needs met, or are working as a partnership towards meeting their individual and collective needs and goals, you have smooth sailing with occasional chop.

But when you end up in a dynamic where expectations are unmet on either side, and both partners are caught in the spiral of trying to bring the other over to their side, or to their wants, and desires ... whether it is more or less communication, sex, quality time, family time, or life goals then you are caught in the death spiral. The two CAN'T get closer until one of them CHOOSES to change how they think or behave, for themself.

So ... quick summary Marcopoly, what you are doing isn't working, and importantly, isn't going to work. You want your wife to desire you, and want to have sex with you.

She simply isn't interested.

Your only option is to change how you perceive and react to the circumstances. That's it. You can't change or demand that she perceives and reacts to the circumstances differently.

Should you choose to change, the direct consequence is that your partner has no choice but to respond to the change in you.
That response may be favorable or unfavorable. If it is favorable, you begin reestablishing 'balance'. If it is unfavorable, and your changes are based upon what you desire and need, then your other option becomes clear ... you don't have a partner. You leave them and start over, or you soldier on start the death spiral all over again.

At some point in time, YOU will have to make the choice, not your wife.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Should you choose to change, the direct consequence is that your partner has no choice to respond to the change in you.
> That response may be favorable or unfavorable. If it is favorable, you begin reestablishing 'balance'. If it is unfavorable, and your changes are based upon what you desire and need, then your other option becomes clear ... you don't have a partner. You leave them and start over, or you soldier on start the death spiral all over again.
> 
> At some point in time, YOU will have to make the choice, not your wife.


Don't agree with the nuance of the entire post. But this is SO important it bears repeating a hundred thousand times.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

turnera said:


> She isn't providing you what YOU want because you aren't providing HER what SHE wants. I would recommend first reading the book His Needs Her Needs by Harley. It explains why she feels no desire to make you happy. If you won't read that, go to affaircare.com and read up.


I agree, her needs don't appear to be addressed, at lest on the face of it.

Marco, - you have had rapid cycling of great heights and deep valleys in your sexual relationship with your wife. When I read your post, the urgency, anxiety, dissatisfaction and overwhelming lust, almost knocks me over. I really feel your distress and I wish I could say something that helps. But I think that the problems go deeper than your unhappiness with your sexual relationship with your wife. I think you and your wife would benefit from couples therapy.

She is not 100% of the problem, you shoulder 50% of the responsibility for the unhappiness that you feel. You cannot make her do exactly what you want and she can't make you dial back your urgent sexual needs. If you want to stay together, you have to compromise as much as she does. This is going require help from a third party, I think. Would you consider seeking therapy if it would help your relationship? 

Not putting the full burden on you but, it sounds like she has made a monumental effort to meet your sexual needs but I don't get the sense that you make an effort to find out what her needs are and concentrate on meeting them. You seem to assume that your financial success is enough currency to demand she become a grade B porn star in exchange but she may not see it that way. 

She may actually think that providing you with children and caring for them, taking care of the home and social engagements, and all of the other little things she does to make your life easier so that you don't have to worry about it as you worked, as just reward for your hard work outside of the home. Your part of the equation is an inflated value of what you have contributed to the family and a devaluation of what she brings. 

In your tally, she owes you big-time for your financial success and this sense of entitlement fuel your dissatisfaction with her. Looking at what you describe of your family and your financial success, her contribution seems equal to yours. You both owe each other for a job well done.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks for your insights, every relationship is different, I still have hopes for us finding balance....I know she enjoys sex very much, i mean i can see and feel how she enjoys herself and sometimes she can reach 2 orgasms....my problem is that lacks of excitement....and i think if both work in trying to bring some excitement to our sex life, we both would be happier....i mean woman buy lingery all the time, or ask questions about how to do this or that, i just want for her to become interested in investing in our sex life....otherwise, what's the point!....you do your very best to be a good husband, father, friend, but if you quit your trying to improve your relationship, then everything go back to being boring and not exciting...i don't know about you but want to be with my wife until death do us apart...and i don't see this happening if she doesn't think like a mature woman after being together for 23 years and having experienced so much together, that kills me that has taken her ( and still does) so long to offer more, to understand the value of learning to enjoy her sexuality....i understand that need to do my part in let her known that i love her and respect her...but she needs to realize that while we are healthy and life smile to us, we should be able to enjoy our marriage and what this has to offer....we do, but not with the trust and communication i wish it would happen....


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Marcopoly, I am gonna give this one more shot. You aren't listening. But I will try again anyway. Who knows... Maybe 50 thousandth time will be a charm.

No one disagrees with you that wanting an exciting sex life is good. <--- Read that again. No one disagrees with that goal.

How do you go about achieving this? One sure fire way that WON'T work is to push, push, push, complain, complain, complain.

How would you feel if nothing you EVER did was good enough? Oh great honey, thanks for mowing the lawn. But next time, let's not miss the edges. Oh gee, honey thanks for getting the groceries, but you forgot the milk. Thanks for packing the lunches, but next time put milk in.

How much would you want to keep trying to do your best? If I repeated that long enough, eventually you would get to f you and your milk, do it yourself. You would think to yourself, why bother?

Add to that that sex is deeply personal and even sometimes a little scary, the more you pressure the more you erode trust. It takes TRUST more than sexuality or horniness. WAY more. The more you push, the more you erode trust. The thought in my head when I picture it goes something like Wow his "kink" is more important than I am.

I was quite conservative in the first years. VERY conservative. My husband was very clear that he would never want something that I was not comfortable with. No scratch that, he was clear that he wanted it, but not as much as my comfort. We developed our sexual raaaawr over the ensuing 16 or so years. Still working on it! (Discovered a new position after over 18 years together. Woot!)

Developing sexuality is a journey, not a destination.

If you love your wife and she loves you, have some faith in her. If you want to take the journey, take the first step and back the heck off. Build her trust in you as the man who cares a ton for her. Make sure you are making deposits in the love bank. Read His Needs, Her Needs. As time goes on, read Passionate Marriage. Learn SLOWLY how to develop this sexuality. Never ever ever criticize the sex you have. Never say that was nice dear, next time... 

Good luck.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Marcopoly, I am gonna give this one more shot. You aren't listening. But I will try again anyway. Who knows... Maybe 50 thousandth time will be a charm.
> 
> No one disagrees with you that wanting an exciting sex life is good. <--- Read that again. No one disagrees with that goal.
> 
> ...


Wow...it is exactly what happens, i suggest things but she thinks i am criticizing her...i see your point, so what i do?...just go with it, last night i told her that i would be fine with having sex or not...she said she wanted a quicky and we did it...not my favorite time as she was not completly healthy but told her that no issues ragarding that....i'll back off of talking about the last time we had sex....i am going to be the nice, funny and loving guy she diserves....and wait and wait and hope she'll not going to go back to be so neglected of our relationship.....you won't believe this but until about a year ago, we never talked about our relationship and I had a lot of secrets kept from her...silly things like desires of mine, but never never can i share with her because she doesn't know what to tell me....so i will stop and wait...but if she goes back to not talking to me, to not offering much of anything - i am the one, who organize trips, dates, movie nights, camping trips etc....it is okay that she trust me and love me for all i do, my pain comes from she no realizing how far can it go a " marcopoy your body is really sexy or you are fine man, or anything....i just dont have it....nothing like this....and i guess i have to learn to leave without it.....or wait and hope for the best.....thanks


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are STILL NOT LISTENING.

We are saying she does NOT trust you. She probably RESENTS you for pushing so hard about this. She probably RESENTS you for not stopping to ASK HER what SHE wants out of life, whether she's happy, whether you bother her. 

SHE WILL NOT WANT TO BE THAT WOMAN YOU WANT until you become the MAN SHE WANTS.

How do you do that? 

Well, you can start by actually listening to us and getting the BOOK that at least two of us have suggested you read. Why should you read a book, you ask?

Because it will explain to you WHY she is not the hot mama you want, and it will tell you HOW to change that.

Are you willing to at least read one simple little book, or are you just here to complain?


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Wow...it is exactly what happens, i suggest things but she thinks i am criticizing her...i see your point, so what i do?...just go with it, last night i told her that i would be fine with having sex or not...she said she wanted a quicky and we did it...not my favorite time as she was not completly healthy but told her that no issues ragarding that....i'll back off of talking about the last time we had sex....i am going to be the nice, funny and loving guy she diserves....and wait and wait and hope she'll not going to go back to be so neglected of our relationship.....


Backing off is step ONE. It is not the end game. You are going to spend some time establishing trust.




> you won't believe this but until about a year ago, we never talked about our relationship and I had a lot of secrets kept from her...silly things like desires of mine, but never never can i share with her because she doesn't know what to tell me....so i will stop and wait...but if she goes back to not talking to me, to not offering much of anything - i am the one, who organize trips, dates, movie nights, camping trips etc....it is okay that she trust me and love me for all i do, my pain comes from she no realizing how far can it go a " marcopoy your body is really sexy or you are fine man, or anything....i just dont have it....nothing like this....and i guess i have to learn to leave without it.....or wait and hope for the best.....thanks


So you are saying you started from a position of her basically treating you as a brother? 

I am not suggesting you wait and hope for the best. But I know for sure what you are doing now is not working. Back off. Give her space. See what happens with some time. Then after a time, try different tacks. Read some books. 

ARE you meeting HER needs, btw?


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Are you willing to at least read one simple little book, or are you just here to complain?


Not exactly sure why that made me laugh so much!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you KNOW what her needs are?


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I have backed off in the pass, and things are good for a while, but end up being almost superficial and the fact that this is being an issue for ever but only the last year become a real problem is that is so exhausting....sometimes i really believe it is not in me to fix it, but i don't know how the dynamic would change if i stop asking her to be closer to me by communicating with me more - thing that she just won't do - how would you feel if you have never felt handsome, or sexy or desire?....it is only one life you have and has to be a better feeling out there..... a feeling where a woman makes you feel special, loved, sexy, a man.....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We did not tell you to BACK OFF.

We told you to CHANGE YOURSELF.

Will you?


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> We did not tell you to BACK OFF.
> 
> We told you to CHANGE YOURSELF.
> 
> Will you?


I will start today by stop critizicing and or making her feel like nothing she does is enough....but to me actions without communicating verbally how much you love or need someone are not enough but i got it that if i keep going this way i wont get to a good place, but trying to change my expectations and just suppresing my dreams of being taken care of, or treated with desire and passion....i guess, not everyone can have everything in life....


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I will start today by stop critizicing and or making her feel like nothing she does is enough....but to me actions without communicating verbally how much you love or need someone are not enough but i got it that if i keep going this way i wont get to a good place, but trying to change my expectations and just suppresing my dreams of being taken care of, or treated with desire and passion....i guess, not everyone can have everything in life....


First of all, it appears you married someone who did not meet your expectations to begin with, if I'm reading things right. So why do you expect that to change?

Or did your expectations change?

I would LOVE to have a husband who was touchy-feeling, held my hand when we went shopping, gave me a hug for no reason, etc.

But - that is NOT HOW HE IS and I knew it when I married him. He does not meet my expectations but he didn't when I met him and didn't when I married him. But, he had other things to offer that made up for the other areas.

NO ONE IS PERFECT - no one person can be everything to anyone. That person does not exist - really they don't. She could be the sex kitten you're looking for and do everything in bed to blow your socks off each and every night, but then blow all the family money at the casino every weekend. That would suck too, huh?

I think you need to be realistic and lower your expectations to real-life and the real world. Doesn't mean you can't have them, but exactly how realistic are they in your current situation? Sounds to me like you want her to be a porn star. But is that who you married?

The work that needs to be done here begins and ends with you. Change that and you can effect change in your spouse - I'm watching it happen in my marriage right now. It does work.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I will start today by stop critizicing and or making her feel like nothing she does is enough....but to me actions without communicating verbally how much you love or need someone are not enough but i got it that if i keep going this way i wont get to a good place, but trying to change my expectations and just suppresing my dreams of being taken care of, or treated with desire and passion....i guess, not everyone can have everything in life....


 Again, you are not listening.

That's great if you stop criticizing. 

What will you do to make YOU a BETTER HUSBAND?

What are YOU going to change about YOURSELF?

If you are no better, no nicer, not meeting her needs, why should she want to make YOU happy?

Will you ask her what SHE wants?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I will start today by stop critizicing and or making her feel like nothing she does is enough....but to me actions without communicating verbally how much you love or need someone are not enough but i got it that if i keep going this way i wont get to a good place, but trying to change my expectations and just suppresing my dreams of being taken care of, or treated with desire and passion....i guess, not everyone can have everything in life....


It is not that you can't have anything you want but you can't have everything in exactly the way you want it. If I am not mistaken, you said that when she does do what you want, you are not happy with the way she behaves. In essence she does not follow a script. But how can she not be herself. she reacts they way she reacts. 

You said that you went from zero to trying many things in a very short period of time. See it from her point of view - she must love you very much to make the effort to come so far so quickly. A woman's ability to step out into uncharted territory is fragile. 

Any hint of dissatisfaction and criticism dampens the desire. So what do you do to encourage her confidence is to be satisfied with her initial efforts and build up her confidence and over time and gently encourage. Make the environment fun light and accepting. Any conflict, anger, watching her performance instead of enjoying the experience will work as well as things are working for you now. She is on stage, on review every time she has sex with you. 

If she feels that no matter what she does you are not happy, she will not want to continue trying. It is no fun doing something sexually new with an angry, dissatisfied man. Your attitude will not encourage her to be more enthusiastic but less. 

I think all of the feedback from women is great, please take it to heart. Women are giving you the female point of view that will give you insight into how your wife may be thinking.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Marcopoly still at it huh? I would suggest some of the people replying read some of Marc's previous posts.

It isn't sex he want his wife gives him that! Marcopoly wants the freaky, crazy, wild, toy filled, anal, oral, to the max type of sex life and he want's it ALL the time.

I told you this before that is work for many women and every woman is different. My wife will be "normal" 9 times out of 10, but sometimes she'll be way more than I can handle. 

We laught about it as I'll say "WOW, honey!! I'm gonna retrace my steps and see how I got here!" but there is no rhyme or reason sometimes she's wild and most of the time she isn't.

You have routinely said you want wild and want it all the time. That's pressure and don't think your wife doesn't feel it. You've been on t his train awhile maybe reading the book and loving your wife even more should be a priority.

The crazy wild freaky nutso sex life will just have to wait.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes. This is great advice. 



Catherine602 said:


> It is not that you can't have anything you want but you can't have everything in exactly the way you want it. If I am not mistaken, you said that when she does do what you want, you are not happy with the way she behaves. In essence she does not follow a script. But how can she not be herself. she reacts they way she reacts.
> 
> You said that you went from zero to trying many things in a very short period of time. See it from her point of view - she must love you very much to make the effort to come so far so quickly. A woman's ability to step out into uncharted territory is fragile.
> 
> ...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Marcopoly still at it huh? I would suggest some of the people replying read some of Marc's previous posts.
> 
> It isn't sex he want his wife gives him that! Marcopoly wants the freaky, crazy, wild, toy filled, anal, oral, to the max type of sex life and he want's it ALL the time.
> 
> ...


 Aaah, did not realize that. 

Just divorce her and start paying for what you want.

You aren't willing to be a decent husband and care about what SHE wants, and you still expect her to give you bizaare sex...

It sounds like she deserves better.

Prove me wrong.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> We did not tell you to BACK OFF.


I did as an interim step to gain perspective and stop the withdrawals from the love bank and build an opportunity for trust to rebuild.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Marco,

Have you woken up yet, or you just like to be scolded by most of us. 

You know most of us don't approve the way you are treating your wife. 

YOU are the problem, not your wife! YOU make your own life miserable and unsatisfying!

No common woman can meet your expectation, even a porn star can't! 

A wife will be happy if her husband is happy with what she is providing for him. 

I would really want your wife to be on this board and tell us what she thinks of you and her frustration!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Marco,
> 
> Have you woken up yet, or you just like to be scolded by most of us.
> 
> ...


Quoted for truth, GP. I tend to doubt him though. That is all.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'm the third backup to what GP says. Why handle Marco with kid gloves. He's a butt of a husband and needs to work on himself and stop complaining about his wife.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Greenpearl,
You are absolutely right. Great post. 




greenpearl said:


> Marco,
> 
> Have you woken up yet, or you just like to be scolded by most of us.
> 
> ...


----------



## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

marcopoly69 said:


> I go from feeling happy to feeling sad....I just can't letter the feeling of frustration go....I can't accept my wife as the person she is....I think she should make an effort to be more present in our marriage...she never but never propose anything....doesn't think in anything fun, o ask me for anything in bed, or talk to me anything that she knows will make me happy is like she is not really a wife that has grown to understand that she needs to be her husband best friend and that's mean to be part of bringing ideas and emotions into the relationship...i just don't know how to get rid of this feeling of sadness and of not knowing how to fix it...:scratchhead:


Is your wife of a different race? j/w.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Start with yourself. Stop looking for what you want HER to do and decide what YOU can do to bring the closeness, intimacy, connection, and energy into your marriage.

It's not just about "stopping" asking her to do stuff.
It's also about "starting" to give to her if you want to get from her.
Read "five love languages." figure out what her love languages are, and treat her that way.

You have to give in order to get.
It might take awhile, but give it some real effort before you start wondering how and when you can start asking things of your wife again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Marcopoly still at it huh? I would suggest some of the people replying read some of Marc's previous posts.
> 
> It isn't sex he want his wife gives him that! Marcopoly wants the freaky, crazy, wild, toy filled, anal, oral, to the max type of sex life and he want's it ALL the time.
> 
> ...


This is a good point, i have never gave her time to be wild once in a while.....i guess i have felt so represed all our lives together...2 years ago, she will take my hands away from her vagina or butt....she would do a bj by the book - no surprises - and making love was much less very boring....so I AM DOING ALL THIS BECAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE AND WANT TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE is not because i am sick and pervert......


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Start with yourself. Stop looking for what you want HER to do and decide what YOU can do to bring the closeness, intimacy, connection, and energy into your marriage.
> 
> It's not just about "stopping" asking her to do stuff.
> It's also about "starting" to give to her if you want to get from her.
> ...


Thanks for your words.....this is support...the others telling me i am the problem when i just want to be happy with my wife is a boomer....i understand that my expectations are too high and i am learning to relax and appreciate my wife for all she gives me but to me is really difficult when all my life with her, it has been her way about what is happening in the bedroom...you have no idea how hurtful is when your wife doesnt want you go down on her, or doesnt want your fingers in her..and no reason what so ever.....well today after a lot of mistakes and trying to communicate we are in a better place, she understands that to feel / be close to each other we need to makes us feel loved and before she was not doing it....to me it has been very difficult being the passionate man i am...but am learning and understanding that sexual improvement and happiness in a marriage is a long journey....


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Get your wife here to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Get your wife here to talk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


isnt this about find it a place where you can find support....she is not here because she is not like me...get it?...a lot of spouse dont care about this....they dont see how one could need expressing yourself and what troubles you....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, credamdochasgra gave you real support, huh? Let's look at what he/she said to do:


credamdóchasgra said:


> *Start with yourself.* *Stop looking for what you want HER to do and decide what YOU can do *to bring the closeness, intimacy, connection, and energy into your marriage.
> 
> *It's not just about "stopping" asking her to do stuff*.
> It's also about "starting" to *give to her if you want to get from her.*
> ...


Just wondering...is this NOT the exact same things we have been saying?


----------



## Dday and Mam (Feb 14, 2011)

I read through this post and I have found 1 area that keeps showing itself; and that is you, you, you. When you are not talking about you, you are addressing your needs. Mmmmmm..... I would like to know:
1. What have you done for her lately?
2. When was the last time you bought her flowers?
3. When did you last fulfill her needs? (I talking from the emotional side)
4. Do you criticize her - it seems that you do. That is a sure relationship wedge.
I have been married 28 years to a wonderful woman. My best friend. Address her needs and take care of her. Stop wanting to fulfill yourself. You would not believe the joy a man has in making his wife smile and feel good about herself! Try it.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

God, I hope this is not how my husband views me - pressure, pressure, pressure - nothing ever good enough...I'm changing this dynamic fast!


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> isnt this about find it a place where you can find support....she is not here because she is not like me...get it?...a lot of spouse dont care about this....they dont see how one could need expressing yourself and what troubles you....


Marco - Is your wife happy? How do you know? If you had to guess, what do you think your wife would say to a close confidant about her husband? 

What is your wife's reaction when she has worked so hard to give you the perfect bj and you are still dissatisfied? 

I ask because I cannot imagine doing something so intimate and personal, and at the same time feeling that my performance is being graded like a sex trade worker in training. I don't think anything would induce me to ever do it again. But you have a wife who tries and tries. 

Don't want to make you feel guilty or that you don't have a cause to seek a satisfactory sex life but perhaps look at things from your wife's point of view with a bit of pity for the lady. 

She has a husband who demands perfection in her sexual performance and she persist in trying to do her best. Most women would have shut down on you years ago Marco, thought you should know that. You have an extraordinary woman for a wife. She gives you 90% of what you want, but you are chasing the 10% and risking the rest. 

This is not supportive in that I am not encouraging you in your position but I think I see a train bearing down on you and support for your position does not seem to be appropriate at present. You may lose the battle with your wife - she or you or both may decide to part ways. I don't think you will find another woman who will put up with your performance requirements, in the long run.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And if you do find that sort of woman, you will just be #14 in a long line of guys she hooks up with. In other words, YOU will be the one hoping for some attention and love.


----------

