# Wife Cheated. Long story but could use the advice.



## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Very long story, but I could use some advice.

Background: Wife and I started dating May 19th 2004. I was 24 and she was 18. We had an instant connection, and both fell in love with each other very quickly. Wife is a beautiful woman, yet she had never been in a relationship before. As a matter of fact, I was her first kiss, and obviously she lost her virginity to me. I had been married before. My first marriage ended in divorce because of her infidelity. The relationship I was in directly before my relationship with Anna also ended due to infidelity on her part. I am a very loyal man and have never once cheated on anyone! I consider myself to be caring, loving, and I am not a bad looking guy. I have never received any negative comments from any of my sexual partners about sex, size, or stamina. I proposed to wife on May 19th 2005. She very happily accepted. We married on May 20th 2006. Neither of us could have been happier. We lived a very exciting and fulfilling life. We were both madly in love. But we did start to see each others faults. My fault is that, even though I consider myself a romantic, I show very little attention, especially when I am stressed out. I stress out often because I like cleanliness, organization, and I work in law enforcement. My wife’s fault is that she is very lazy (something she has very openly admitted). I felt I was the only one taking responsibility for house chores, and she felt I was not giving her attention she desperately needed. Those were our two major issues, and we spent years fighting about them. Other than that, our lives together were fantastic. We bought a house in May of 2007, our daughter was born in May of 2008, and our son was born in June of 2010. I was older and very ready for these things. Wife was happy with these things, but understandably felt like things just happened too fast. Both of us were working full time jobs, the kids were in daycare, and life just kind of became hectic. Both of us were stressed from our jobs, so wife rarely helped with chores, and I rarely showed her attention or gave compliments. Our sex life never really dwindled, and we always had an exciting sex life, but outside of sex, attention and compliments rarely came from me. Jealousy, however, was never a factor in our relationship as we both fully trusted ourselves and each other. 

The Beginning of the cheating: After two kids and lack of attention from her husband, Wife was having some severe self esteem issues (though I always, always, always found her so attractive through our entire relationship, I just never conveyed that to her verbally or physically outside of sex). I have always had great intuition, which helps me a lot in my job, and I started feeling something was wrong. Wife starting texting someone who she worked with constantly (2,000 messages a month). As I stated, jealousy was never an issue. But after several months of the constant texting, I suddenly got “that feeling”. Though I let it go because I did not believe that Wife would ever cheat on me. But one day, the feeling became strong enough that I just checked her phone. I was shocked to see the messages she and this guy were sending to each other. They were sexting to include pictures. I confronted her and she said it was only sexting, nothing physical was involved. I spent a week very upset with her, but I did not make her cut off contact with this friend of hers. I am by no means a pushover, but I trusted her and she promised to stop sexting. This was May of 2011. Our relationship that was completely free of jealousy was no longer. She stopped texting this guy as much as she used to, but began texting her brother’s friend a lot. Anna, her brother, and several of his friends played a lot of role playing games together, many times at our house. Her brother’s friend was in no way attractive, would quit jobs just because he hated working, and mooched off of friends and family as much as possible. He paid for nothing because everyone picked up the tab for him. I really didn’t think too much about my wife texting him so much because he is such a loser, and once again, very unattractive. My wife is very attractive. But that feeling of something wrong was still there. It never really went away, and I became a jealous person. Even thought I had been cheated on before by others, I never brought jealousy or mistrust into new relationships. As I said before, the relationship with my wife was no exception. But that year after finding the sexting was filled with mistrust and jealousy. My son’s second birthday was in June of 2012. I took a short vacation from work to celebrate it, and my wife and I got along so well. It was just like falling in love all over again. On the day I had to return back to work, we fought because I accidentally broke her Kindle. As I said, my wife was lazy, and she just left things laying around. Her kindle was underneath some blankets on the couch, so I didn’t see it when I broke. When she told me it was broken, I was already looking on line for new kindle prices because I knew how much she enjoyed reading, but I made the comment “Hopefully you won’t leave your next Kindle laying around somewhere where it can be broken again”. Well, she took this as I didn’t care about her feelings and left us not talking to each other for three days. 

D-Day: So my next vacation from work was for my birthday. My birthday is July 2nd, and my vacation started July 1st. As I said, I still had this feeling that something was not right, and being in law enforcement brought out the investigator in me. I checked her cell phone text messages log, and found her to be texting her brother’s friend until 1:30 in the morning. I knew she had him over occasionally to watch movies after I left for work, and she always told me about it, but since I couldn’t possibly imagine her doing anything romantically or sexually with this unattractive loser, I didn’t have any problem with it. But this first day of vacation, I asked her what time she went to bed. She told me 11:30 PM. I told her “That’s funny because I see you were still texting at 1:30 in the morning”. She told me that was true and she was not sure why she lied about that. I asked her if something weird was going on with this guy, and she said no. I asked to see the texts she was sending up until 1:30am, and she said she had deleted them. So I gave her the speech of her need to tell me what was going on. I told her I was not going to leave her, but I needed to know what was going on. So she told me of some of her cheating incidents. She told me one night when she went out drinking, she made out with a guy over a spin the bottle game. She told me she kissed the guy she was sexting a year ago, and she told me she had slept with the loser guy one time at her parent’s house when no one was home. I was devastated. My whole life changed that day. There were so many questions, so much anger, and so much disbelief. That was July 1st. July 2nd, my birthday, she lost her job. Law enforcement does not pay much, so her losing her job was a huge financial loss. Life was not good at all, and I was lost in a cloud of hate, mistrust, anger, confusion, denial, you name the negative emotion, I had it. The healing began about a week later. I let out all my negative emotions, but both of use wanted to work because we loved each other immensely. She explained she never wanted us to end, she just got caught up in the self esteem boost he gave her (he apparently was never shy about his feelings for her). The healing for me was a very slow process. I had mostly bad days, but I was beginning to have some positive feelings again. I had a feeling I was not being told the entire story, but I wanted to believe her. So, I occasionally let her know I felt something more happened, but kept it subtle. Obviously, there was a strict no contact rule set in place, and things were returning back to normal, if not better than before.

August 23rd 2012: While at a dinner party at my parent’s house, I noticed Wife had disappeared for a little while. I found her in my parent’s study, sitting in a chair, crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she did not answer me. I asked her if it involved her cheating incident, and she nodded her head yes. I then asked her a series of questions:

Did you cheat on me with more than one person?: No
Did you do things you have not told me about?: No answer, just more crying.
Did you sleep with that guy more than once?: No answer, but a slight yes nod.

There went my world again. We talked for hours and I found out a lot more than what she originally told me. The guy she was sexting, well, they never had sex, but it turns out she brought him to her parent’s house one day and made out with him. She said that’s as far as that went. She told me she actually slept with loser guy five times. Three of those times were in our house, twice on the couch in the living room and once in the kitchen. The other two times were at her parent’s house. She also gave him oral sex on two separate occasions. And here’s the kicker, of the five times she had intercourse with him, only two of those times were protected sex. I told her it was over, broke some things, to include my hand when I punched a wooden post, and then she begged like I have never seen someone beg before for me to not leave her. I don’t remember much of the next couple of weeks after that. I had a cast put on my hand and was placed on light duty, which meant day shift for a month instead of graves. My doctor placed me on anti depressants, anti anxieties, and sleeping pills. I began drinking heavily. We left the kids with the grand parents for a while since we knew things would be bad around the house for a while. I called the loser guy and told him to come to my house about an hour after breaking my hand. He actually came. I scared him so badly. He left the house shaking. There are a couple of reasons I did not hurt him or worse. One, I would lose my job. Two, I would go to jail or prison (people of law enforcement don’t do too well with the bad guys on the other side of the fence). Three, my hand was already broken. And four, before I told the guy to come over, I had my brother take all the guns out of my house. I also called the sexting guy, who did not answer his phone, and left the message that he should not ever contact my wife again. 

Present: My wife has become a completely different person since all this has happened. She now does all the chores around the house. She devotes all of her time to me and the kids. She has given me her passwords to her social and email accounts and she leaves her phone in places where I can look at it any time I want too. I have found no evidence of things happening since, and that feeling of being lied to is slowly going away. However, I have more bad days than good days right now. I am having a near impossible time of getting the images of her with this loser guy out of my head. And since some of those things happened at our house, I feel like I am being slapped in the face every time I get home. My wife says she regrets doing it, says it was horrible anyways, and says she would do anything if it was possible to take it back. I can see such a huge change in her as can my family. I want to get past this and move forward, I just can’t though. I love her and want to stay with her, and she is showing her commitment to her want to be with no one other than me as well. So how do I move forward, get rid of the sometimes extreme anger, and begin to trust again? Any advice would be helpful, and please be respectful.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It sounds like you took control of the situation pretty much. Now lose the temper and trust but verify for the near future. Calmly make it known any deleted texts or contact and it's over! Good luck and for awhile keep a var in her car don't tell her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well done. Best wishes to you and your wife and kids for the future.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You - ummm no, really SHE should find answers to these questions:

1. WHY did she feel entitled to send thousands of texts and pics to OM1 (and why did you not confront HIM too at that time?)

2. Was there no one at her parents' home during the sex episodes? 

3.Who in her circle of friends or in her family knew of the "loser"? BTW - losers can have appeal to certain women. It's a combination of bad-boy/anti-establishment some women admire. Forget the physical looks - it's all about presentation - lesson learned!

4. Why did she confess?

5. What is she doing to address the underlying issues? (No, cleaning the house and giving you pw do not address the issue)

Question for you:

Are you going to extend your police duties to your home indefinitely? Because (IMO) things are not resolved. Not by a long shot. They're only temporarily shelved - or placed conveniently under a rug.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For starters get rid of the couch and the kitchen table..in fact I would really think about moving. 

Again this is a start, in addition your have PTSD so get that addressed.

In my case I found a mountra and when ever those depressing though and mind movies started up I would force them out of my head. I would repeat "I diserve good things" some times a hundred times a day, but the point is don't let those evil thoughts take control of your life, do not let what your wife did define you by telling your self you "diserve good things".

I also found the more positive I was around others that also helped. Its not easy man...been going thru it for almost 3 years and it does get better, its just that 1st year thats a real b1tch.

Just like your old lady, mine is doing the heavy lifting to stay, so we have that going for us....some guys have chicks that don't give a crap and these poor guys struggle alot more then guys like us that have truelly remorseful wayward wives.

I wish I had magic pill brother but I don't...just keep looking on the bright side becuase you do diserve good things.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

walkonmars makes a good point, she needs to not only focus on healing you but she must learn the tools to affair proof her marriage.

Once she understand her self and why she has these behaviors she can learn the tools to prevent them from taking over her life and making bad choices in the future.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

maaz3231 said:


> And here’s the kicker, of the five times she had intercourse with him, only two of those times were protected sex.


I hope this isn't a thread jack, but I would like to ask this question, especially to the women out there. Why is it that I continuously hear of WW's always having unprotected sex with the OMs. There has to be a physcological or maybe hormonal reason for it. I mean it's done intentionally. On top of that there probably isn't a bigger insult the WW can do to the BH. To the OP, did your WW explain that?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Forgot to add that you both need to get tested for STIs


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Maaz------let us do really get into this---1st this is the 3rd woman who has cheated on you----do you see a pattern here-----you have already answered this question haven't you---you were, conceited, payed little to no attention to your partners, and basically were probably pretty much controlling

You talk about others as if they are nothing----yes your wifes lovers are all scum for what they did---but what gives you the right to call others loser just cuz they don't meet your standards, especially physically-----not all people can be wonderful like you I guess

You have a tuff roe to hoe---you are gonna have to get over what she has done, and she is gonna spend years making it all right----but 1st you need to do one thing, and that is lose your elitest attitude---cuz buddy you ain't no better than anyone else on this planet


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I hope this isn't a thread jack, but I would like to ask this question


Yes, it's a thread jack.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I hope this isn't a thread jack, but I would like to ask this question, especially to the women out there. Why is it that I continuously hear of WW's always having unprotected sex with the OMs. There has to be a physcological or maybe hormonal reason for it. I mean it's done intentionally.


It's germane, since it's a fact in this sitch. 

Semen is full of mood elevating chemicals. It's not necessary for a woman to know about this. It's instinctive to want it.



The Middleman said:


> On top of that there probably isn't a bigger insult the WW can do to the BH. To the OP, did your WW explain that?


It's biological body agenda stuff. As far as an insult goes, there are several that are more egregious, like sticking a guy raising somebody else's by-blow.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Hey Maaz------let us do really get into this---1st this is the 3rd woman who has cheated on you----do you see a pattern here-----you have already answered this question haven't you---you were, conceited, payed little to no attention to your partners, and basically were probably pretty much controlling
> 
> You talk about others as if they are nothing----yes your wifes lovers are all scum for what they did---but what gives you the right to call others loser just cuz they don't meet your standards, especially physically-----not all people can be wonderful like you I guess
> 
> You have a tuff roe to hoe---you are gonna have to get over what she has done, and she is gonna spend years making it all right----but 1st you need to do one thing, and that is lose your elitest attitude---cuz buddy you ain't no better than anyone else on this planet


Wow I didn't see this coming!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

OP, you probably ought to read a book called "Married Man Sex Life Primer." It's not about copulation, but it's about how to increase your sex rank and make yourself more sexually desired by your wife. My guess is that you've temporarily raised your sex rank with your behavior during the affair detection. You ran off the interloping males successfully and you were the last man standing, so to speak. Women get turned on by that.

They also get turned on by being provided for. How long until you can make detective? If that's not on the horizon, you need to move to another agency that pays more or start thinking about a career change. You can always join the reserves and ride on Saturday night if you need an occasional action fix. How much college do you have? Military experience? Every federal agency under the sun has gun carrying investigators these days (every human activity violates some federal felony statute) and they all pay decently on the GS after 3-5 years.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The OM is a losser, any respectable(I use the term losely) AP would have fronted for a hotel room...instead they head off to mommy and daddies house on occasion. 
If nothing says losser then what does?


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## ladandrewe (Nov 19, 2012)

They also get turned on by being provided for.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Wife needs IC like breathing. To learn to filfill her from within.
Wife needs to read Not just friends
Wife needs to learn healthy boundaires
Wife needs to drop any kind of toxic behavior.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Agree wife needs to do a whole lot of things------but facts ARE facts, and by Maaz's own admissions---he created much of this problem-----

You got a young girl here who was/is real early 20's, you of all can read what he said, he did,---and it created the problem---I am willing to bet no matter how beautiful/wonderful she is, she isn't all there yet---and all of you know that also---kids in there 20's don't even necessarily have fully formed mental capacity---and whether any of you like it or not---Maaz, has had 3 women cheat on him, one right after the other, why is that

Sure the guy who was his wife's partner, is a lowlife piece of scum---but look at Maaz"s description of him----its like he is a human nothing to Maaz---well even the not so beautiful people on this planet deserve to be treated decently--(not when they cuase cheating/cheat) but in general---Maaz has an elitest attitude about physical standards, and so this ugly guy, could cause him no harm---well guess what Mr. Ugly has caused him grief he may never forget------Maaz---has to learn that everyone who walks the face of this planet is entitled to some dignity, and respect, no matter what they look like------and until he contributed to the A., Maaz should have taken him for what he was, a human capable of wooing/capturing Maaz wife

Maaz future is up to him, but if he stays with this woman, or any other woman in the future---he is within himself, gonna have to correct whatever it is, that caused 3 women to cheat on him, all w/in short periods of time of each other

If you wish to dispute me---fine---but read the FACTS 1st!!!!!!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I hope this isn't a thread jack, but I would like to ask this question, especially to the women out there. Why is it that I continuously hear of WW's always having unprotected sex with the OMs. There has to be a physcological or maybe hormonal reason for it. I mean it's done intentionally. On top of that there probably isn't a bigger insult the WW can do to the BH. To the OP, did your WW explain that?


To ad some more to what Mac already has said..

You would be surprised to know. How very few people use
condom´s with complete stranger´s, when it comes to one night stand´s


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

As someone else said, you need to burn the couch and kitchen table and while at it include the bed because they more likely thank not used it to.

Also ask her what she wore for him. It was no doubt her ****tiest lingere , that goes into the trash too.

I assume that girls nights out and having men over while you are at work is done forever, if not then do it.

Have you exposed to family , especially her parents who's house she used and to her brother do he can cut the looser out of his life?

Have you DNA tested your kids.?

Have you had her polygraphed?

And what about the long term , what has your wfe done inside her own head to not want to cheat again? Sure she's working hard not to be put on the street, but what about the next looser who shows her attention? Will she ignore him because of fear or you dumping her, or because she's actually choosing to be faithful.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I hope this guy is keeping things together right now because he has PTSD/in shock but like you http://www.foxcharlotte.com/news/local/Paula-Broadwell-is-Back-In-Charlotte-179895341.htmlthis guy should DNA the kids


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

tom67 said:


> I hope this guy is keeping things together right now because he has PTSD/in shock but like you http://www.foxcharlotte.com/news/local/Paula-Broadwell-is-Back-In-Charlotte-179895341.htmlthis guy should DNA the kids



Paula Broadwell is Back In Charlotte | Charlotte News | Weather | Carolina Panthers | Bobcats | FOX Charlotte | Local News

Is this the correct link?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It works on my end. Just hope he isn't a doormat that's all.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Paula Broadwell is Back In Charlotte | Charlotte News | Weather | Carolina Panthers | Bobcats | FOX Charlotte | Local News


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

A typical story. Same devastation to BS. WTH!!

I have a gut feeling that she has not yet told you EVERYTHING. There is some more to the story.

Check out something more on the first guy.

Take care,

AU


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How come things happen only in May of each year?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> How come things happen only in May of each year?


It's springtime and the sap is rising. But don't forget April in Paris. I once knew a guy who let his wife take a trip to Paris in April with her girlfriend. Bet you can guess how that turned out.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey Maaz------let us do really get into this---1st this is the 3rd woman who has cheated on you----do you see a pattern here-----you have already answered this question haven't you---you were, conceited, payed little to no attention to your partners, and basically were probably pretty much controlling
> 
> You talk about others as if they are nothing----yes your wifes lovers are all scum for what they did---but what gives you the right to call others loser just cuz they don't meet your standards, especially physically-----not all people can be wonderful like you I guess
> 
> You have a tuff roe to hoe---you are gonna have to get over what she has done, and she is gonna spend years making it all right----but 1st you need to do one thing, and that is lose your elitest attitude---cuz buddy you ain't no better than anyone else on this planet


I'm not quite sure where your anger towards me is coming from, but I don't believe I have an elitist attitude as you describe. As I stated before, I believe the other person is a loser because he lies to so many people he knows, he quits jobs because he doesn't like to work, and then lies to his parents so they pay for his living and luxuries. I have always been the cook in the family, and on several occasions I've cooked meals for him and my wife's brother. I never liked the guy because of his lying and mooching attitude. If that makes me an elitist, then so be it, but I don't believe I am. As I stated before, I'm not a very affectionate person, and yes that is something I need very strongly to work on. My ex-wife and I had a very toxic relationship. She cheated on me to get out of the marriage. My girlfriend before my current wife has cheated on every person she has been in a relationship with. I know this because she told me. As for my wife, her explanation was she enjoyed the ego boost. As I asked before, please be respectful. I'm looking for help, not criticism.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

maaz3231 said:


> I'm not quite sure where your anger towards me is coming from, but I don't believe I have an elitist attitude as you describe. As I stated before, I believe the other person is a loser because he lies to so many people he knows, he quits jobs because he doesn't like to work, and then lies to his parents so they pay for his living and luxuries. I have always been the cook in the family, and on several occasions I've cooked meals for him and my wife's brother. I never liked the guy because of his lying and mooching attitude. If that makes me an elitist, then so be it, but I don't believe I am. As I stated before, I'm not a very affectionate person, and yes that is something I need very strongly to work on. My ex-wife and I had a very toxic relationship. She cheated on me to get out of the marriage. My girlfriend before my current wife has cheated on every person she has been in a relationship with. I know this because she told me. As for my wife, her explanation was she enjoyed the ego boost. As I asked before, please be respectful. I'm looking for help, not criticism.


I don't think jnj express was showing anger toward you.

I took it as CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, by exploring some possibilities. He doesn't know you, he only knows what you post. You're a young guy (compared to many of us here) and to have 3 (or more) cheating partners, including 2 wives, is a statistical outlier at your age. So that obviously would prompt the question as to whether there is something else there. 

That doesn't mean you CAUSED the cheating, because, as anyone who reads these threads knows, the responsibility is always 100% on the cheater. But maybe you have some tendancy to pick women who cheat, just as some women always go for the abusive guy? We don't know you, as I said. You will get a lot of suggestions and thoughts, and they may not all apply to you, but may give you some new perspectives.

After all, that's the point of this forum.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Maaz---do not take my post the wrong way------I took it from reading you that you from the beginning put down your wife's lover, as if he no chance to score with her---due to his for lack of other words ugliness-----it led to you giving off an elitest attitude---IMHO, it is something you may wanna look at, in going forward yourself---maybe in the way you look at things, and the attitude and vibes you give off.

You are right in the way you are handling your situation, but once again IMHO you may wanna take a break from women---and just enjoy life---if that is even possible at this time

Getting cheated on by 3 women, in 3 relationships w/out any details leads to believe there is something wrong possibly with you---you have explained it---so now as I said before---maybe you need to get thru this situation---and then just be on your own, and try to enjoy life with no partner responsibilities-----good luck to you, whatever you do----and please remember my criricism, was for you to just look at---nothing personal should be taken from it---again be good


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What made her confess?


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> You - ummm no, really SHE should find answers to these questions:
> 
> 1. WHY did she feel entitled to send thousands of texts and pics to OM1 (and why did you not confront HIM too at that time?)
> 
> ...


1. I was never a jealous person, and I had no problems with her having friends, so I never called her out on that. I didn't confront him because I didn't think any physical cheating had taken place and I wanted her to handle the issue the way she wanted.

2. No one was at her parent's house at the time, no. They were out of town, so it was empty.

3. Her friends and family all knew him. No one thought anything was happening though.

4. She confessed because she said she felt guilty.

5. She has given me passwords to her accounts, she doesn't go anywhere without telling me first (not my rule, something she does on her own), she installed GPS software on her phone on her own and told me to feel free to check up on her whenever I feel the need to. She wrote a no contact note to the OM and shared it with me. 

No, things are not resolved. I don't think she will cheat on me again, and I am pretty certain she does not speak to the OM anymore. Occasionally I will check up on certain things, but there have been no indications anything else is going on. I'm pretty good at figuring that stuff out.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

tom67 said:


> It sounds like you took control of the situation pretty much. Now lose the temper and trust but verify for the near future. Calmly make it known any deleted texts or contact and it's over! Good luck and for awhile keep a var in her car don't tell her.


Thank you. And the temper is not in any way normal for me. However finding out about infidelity made me lose control. Instead of physically harming anyone thought, I hit a wooden post. Not that I should have hit anything, but it was a much better option than the alternatives.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Well done. Best wishes to you and your wife and kids for the future.


Thank you very much.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

the guy said:


> For starters get rid of the couch and the kitchen table..in fact I would really think about moving.
> 
> Again this is a start, in addition your have PTSD so get that addressed.
> 
> ...


Magic pills would be fantastic. I've addressed the PTSD with my doctor and he has given me some meds to deal with it temporarily. Whenever I get those negative thoughts, I remind myself how much I love my wife and kids. I also repeat to myself that everyone makes mistakes. Just like you, being around others helps immensely. I just get a little embarrassed talking about to other people, but it relieves so much stress. I'm glad to hear that your wife is remorseful also. I feel so bad for anyone who has to go through it, but having a wife who try's so hard to make up for her mistakes really helps. Thank you for the advice and good words.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I hope this isn't a thread jack, but I would like to ask this question, especially to the women out there. Why is it that I continuously hear of WW's always having unprotected sex with the OMs. There has to be a physcological or maybe hormonal reason for it. I mean it's done intentionally. On top of that there probably isn't a bigger insult the WW can do to the BH. To the OP, did your WW explain that?


She told me since he had little experience, and since he was not going to ejaculate inside her, she felt it was safe. I disagree with her completely, and she has since admitted how naive her thought process was.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> Forgot to add that you both need to get tested for STIs


We've been tested since, and thankfully are both clean. I'm not sure how I would be able to deal with getting an STI.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

the guy said:


> Wow I didn't see this coming!


Took me by surprise too!


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

the guy said:


> The OM is a losser, any respectable(I use the term losely) AP would have fronted for a hotel room...instead they head off to mommy and daddies house on occasion.
> If nothing says losser then what does?


Agreed. I would also like to add that since I knew the guy and helped him out from time to time, it makes him even less respectable. Throughout my life, I have been hit on by women who were either involved or married. Whether I know their partner or not, I would not get involved with her just out of respect for her partner. Maybe she'll get involved with someone else down the road, but I'll have no part of wrecking a partnership or family. That's respect.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Maaz, you have handled the situation well. Assuming this is your last relationship you won't need this further bit of advice. If you do D you wife at some point you should really take a hard look at the criteria you use to select women. Three cheaters in a row. Wow. Could be a statistical anomaly I guess. Figure out what it is that attracts you to these types of women.

No disrespect intended and stay safe out there.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

ladandrewe said:


> They also get turned on by being provided for.


My family is sufficiently provided for. I work in public service, which does not pay near as much as it should, but we have food on the table, she does not need to work, we own a house and two cars. The kids always have clothes and a warm family environment. The other guy had no money, job, or even a means of protecting anyone in our house. All they wanted was sex anyways, so I guess the above doesn't really matter, but with the exception of attention, everyone was provided for.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Wife needs IC like breathing. To learn to filfill her from within.
> Wife needs to read Not just friends
> Wife needs to learn healthy boundaires
> Wife needs to drop any kind of toxic behavior.


We've been talking about marriage and individual counseling, but have not yet made the decision.
We read "Not Just Friends" together. I would recommend this book to any couple who has to deal with infidelity. This book was probably the single most helpful tool in moving us forward so much quicker.
My wife says she knows she crossed several boundaries and does not plan on doing so in the future. 
As of now, my wife has dropped all her toxic behaviors.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Agree wife needs to do a whole lot of things------but facts ARE facts, and by Maaz's own admissions---he created much of this problem-----
> 
> You got a young girl here who was/is real early 20's, you of all can read what he said, he did,---and it created the problem---I am willing to bet no matter how beautiful/wonderful she is, she isn't all there yet---and all of you know that also---kids in there 20's don't even necessarily have fully formed mental capacity---and whether any of you like it or not---Maaz, has had 3 women cheat on him, one right after the other, why is that
> 
> ...


Beauty and attractiveness are a matter of opinion. In my opinion, the guy is not attractive. Another thing that raises or lowers attractiveness is someone's attitude. His attitude of mooching, not contributing, and hurting people makes him much less attractive. Did I mention that of the four people he has slept with in his life, two were married? My wife was young when we started dating. She is now 26 and I am 32. The cheating women were not one after another, just to clarify. My issues is lack of attention. I've never been one to cuddle too often, even as a toddler. Other than that, I provide, respect, enjoy long talks, enjoy lots of sex, and I am extremely loyal. I'm sorry to say, but this guy who slept with my wife is below human to me. As I have stated, he is a liar, manipulator, moocher, and does not care about the people he hurts. I have helped him out in many different ways prior to him sleeping with my wife, and this is how he repays me. How would you feel about him if he did it to you? I am not the type to feel that I am better than others, but I do feel that my morals and character are better than this person's.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

maaz3231 said:


> I'm sorry to say, but this guy who slept with my wife is below human to me.


No need to apoligize. You are correct. Any one that sleeps with a married person is below human, not only to you, but me and many other believe the same thing.

Hell even my own FWW stayed away from married guys. Not sure what that says but all the same there are plenty of single folks out there you don't have to pick on married ones.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> As someone else said, you need to burn the couch and kitchen table and while at it include the bed because they more likely thank not used it to.
> 
> Also ask her what she wore for him. It was no doubt her ****tiest lingere , that goes into the trash too.
> 
> ...


As much as I would like to get rid of the couch, kitchen furniture, and move, finances present a problem in that manner. Much of her underwear has gone in the trash. You are correct in assuming girls night out is out of the question for now. Both our families know. My family has been extremely supportive of both of us, and are not treating my wife with any kind of disrespect or opposition. They love her as I do, and they believe she made a mistake. Her family has made it clear that the OM is not allowed at their house ever again. Unfortunately, her brother is this guys best friend, so I don't see him discontinuing contact with him. I have not DNA tested the kids. I truly believe that my wife did not cheat until recently, and my kids are 2 and 4. They are the most wonderful kids and they look just like my wife and I. Even if I suspected they were not mine, I would not test because as far as I am concerned, no matter what, they are my kids and I love them so much.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

the guy said:


> No need to apoligize. You are correct. Any one that sleeps with a married person is below human, not only to you, but me and many other believe the same thing.


If that's true, then the married spouse who sleeps with another person is lower than below human. They're the one breaking their vows and possibly exposing their loyal devoted spouses to a possibly fatal disease while also setting them up for what is arguably the biggest emotional hit they'll ever take in their entire life.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> OP,
> 
> A typical story. Same devastation to BS. WTH!!
> 
> ...


I am not fully convinced she has told me everything either, so I have done some extensive background checking. So far, her story has completely added up. If my wife has chosen to tell me the whole truth, and if my wife has chosen to never be dishonest or cheat on me again, then I believe we have a long happy life ahead of us. If I find out differently, then the big D will be in the works. I'm hoping for long happy life with her.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey Maaz---do not take my post the wrong way------I took it from reading you that you from the beginning put down your wife's lover, as if he no chance to score with her---due to his for lack of other words ugliness-----it led to you giving off an elitest attitude---IMHO, it is something you may wanna look at, in going forward yourself---maybe in the way you look at things, and the attitude and vibes you give off.
> 
> You are right in the way you are handling your situation, but once again IMHO you may wanna take a break from women---and just enjoy life---if that is even possible at this time
> 
> Getting cheated on by 3 women, in 3 relationships w/out any details leads to believe there is something wrong possibly with you---you have explained it---so now as I said before---maybe you need to get thru this situation---and then just be on your own, and try to enjoy life with no partner responsibilities-----good luck to you, whatever you do----and please remember my criricism, was for you to just look at---nothing personal should be taken from it---again be good


I'm glad you re posted to clarify yourself a bit. My wife admitted to me that she felt in a way she was helping someone get laid who would not have very many other chances other wise. Thank you for your advice. Since you clarified yourself, I no longer am taking it personal.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

maaz3231 said:


> I'm glad you re posted to clarify yourself a bit.* My wife admitted to me that she felt in a way she was helping someone get laid who would not have very many other chances other wise.* Thank you for your advice. Since you clarified yourself, I no longer am taking it personal.


What a kind hearted lady, helping the less fortunate. My advice is to let her continue her charitable actions without you.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> If that's true, then the married spouse who sleeps with another person is lower than below human. They're the one breaking their vows and possibly exposing their loyal devoted spouses to a possibly fatal disease while also setting them up for what is arguably the biggest emotional hit they'll ever take in their entire life.


I cannot say that I disagree with you. However, I have spent 8 years with my wife, and I love her. So I believe through apologizing and making up for it, she will once again become above human and the love of my life. We all make mistakes. The thing about the OM is that he has not apologized, and he continues to stop by the wife's parent's house even though he is not allowed. If the guy came up to me like a man, apologized, and offered to help get my wife and I back on track, then I would elevate him to human status as well. Caring and respect make us humans. Asking for forgiveness and forgiving make us humans. If humans respected and cared for each other more than most currently do, this world would be a much better place, and we would all be so much more proud to raise our wonderful children in that type of society.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Thoreau said:


> What a kind hearted lady, helping the less fortunate. My advice is to let her continue her charitable actions without you.


I am hoping and convinced my wife will not be a charitable person in that sense again. I only mentioned this because someone was telling me I should not call people unattractive. Thank you for your advice, but I love my wife, and I promised to stay with her in the good times and the bad. Yes, cheating is a deal breaker, however, I have chosen to give her a second change. If she messes that up, then she can continue her charitable actions without me. If she never messes up again, and the both of us change our ways and fall in love all over again, then I will have never made a better choice to have given her a second chance.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

maaz3231 said:


> So I believe through apologizing and making up for it, she will once again become above human


You're considering an elevation from below human to above human? I can see maybe elevating her to human but not more than that. Even people who never cheated don't get status of above human unless they are really special.



maaz3231 said:


> he continues to stop by the wife's parent's house even though he is not allowed.


What the heck? Why is he going by your wife's parents house, what happens when he goes there since he's not allowed? Do they call the cops? Do they chat with him, do they invite him in for tea or something? 



maaz3231 said:


> If the guy came up to me like a man, apologized, and offered to help get my wife and I back on track, then I would elevate him to human status as well.


Obviously he's not going to apologize and I'm thinking he doesn't care if he's below human status or at the level of human status as far as you're concerned. 



maaz3231 said:


> If humans respected and cared for each other more than most currently do, this world would be a much better place, and we would all be so much more proud to raise our wonderful children in that type of society.


If it never rained we wouldn't need umbrellas and if houses never caught fire we wouldn't need insurance. If people were completely honest we wouldn't need locks on our doors. Etc.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, good to see that your wife appears to be walking the walk. But I have a few thoughts that I can't quite wrap my head around.

1) Your wife said the OM was not very good at sex, yet she slept with him 5 times plus provided him oral on a few other occasions. JMHO, but he must have been good enough to go back for more. 

2) I don't believe that the EA guy only made out with your wife. I'd be shocked if they didn't have a physical affair. 

3) I wouldn't be surprised if your wife is a member of TAM. The things she did on her own to affair proof your marriage and to rebuild trust are exactly what has been recommended on here many many times. NC letter on her own, voluntary GPS, making herself fully transparent in all electronics, social media, etc. 

Good luck. You still need to make sure you get to the root cause of the issue and don't sweep this under the rug. I'd still be highly pissed over the unprotected sex, and I'd bet he ejaculated inside her. If she wasn't on BC, that raises huge questions about her boundaries. We know they weren't good in the past, but her boundaries need to be worked on big time...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you forcing yourself to reconcile ?Are you reconciling because it is the right thing to do ? She repeatedly cheated with no concern to your feelings.. She knew your previous pain with infidelity but still went ahead and did it. It was not a drunken ONS. It was intentional planned out deceit while you are working for your family. Why do you want some one like her back ? She had her fun and now she has her family back. What is stopping her from doing it again when the guilt washes away in a few years? Is it because of the kids ?

Have you exposed OM to your friends ?Have you exposed your W to mutual friends and family ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

maaz3231 said:


> I'm glad you re posted to clarify yourself a bit. My wife admitted to me that she felt in a way she was helping someone get laid who would not have very many other chances other wise. Thank you for your advice. Since you clarified yourself, I no longer am taking it personal.



Don't you realize how f*cked up this is ? You are ignoring some major red flags from your wife..Like you did all through her affairs.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

maaz3231 said:


> I cannot say that I disagree with you. However, I have spent 8 years with my wife, and I love her. So I believe through apologizing and making up for it, she will once again become above human and the love of my life. We all make mistakes. The thing about the OM is that he has not apologized, and he continues to stop by the wife's parent's house even though he is not allowed. If the guy came up to me like a man, apologized, and offered to help get my wife and I back on track, then I would elevate him to human status as well. Caring and respect make us humans. Asking for forgiveness and forgiving make us humans. If humans respected and cared for each other more than most currently do, this world would be a much better place, and we would all be so much more proud to raise our wonderful children in that type of society.


He wouldn't be f*cking married women if he had a speck of decency in him..And you are giving much too leeway to your wife. Denial or not, I don't know. Your wife is much worse than him. She was the one married and had kids with you...You are ignoring long term issues for temporary relief..


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

maaz3231 said:


> As much as I would like to get rid of the couch, kitchen furniture, and move, finances present a problem in that manner. Much of her underwear has gone in the trash. You are correct in assuming girls night out is out of the question for now. Both our families know. My family has been extremely supportive of both of us, and are not treating my wife with any kind of disrespect or opposition. They love her as I do, and they believe she made a mistake. Her family has made it clear that the OM is not allowed at their house ever again. *Unfortunately, her brother is this guys best friend, so I don't see him discontinuing contact with him.*
> SERIOUSLY???? If my so called best friend did that to my sister
> I would beat the crap out of him. Your BIL does he have any self respect? Every one know´s this friend´s sister´s are always of limit.And especially if they are married. Good for you to know
> that has your "back"
> ...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> He wouldn't be f*cking married women if he had a speck of decency in him..*And you are giving much too leeway to your wife.*
> He is way to nice.That will be a problem down the road.
> 
> Denial or not, I don't know. Your wife is much worse than him. She was the one married and had kids with you...You are ignoring long term issues for temporary relief..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The OP is setting himself up for an a*s kicking by his wife down the road.

She has not had to suffer a single consequence for her bad behavior. 

She'll do it again.... because it appears she has married the reincarnation of Mr. Rogers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maaz3231 said:


> ….
> I want to get past this and move forward, I just can’t though. I love her and want to stay with her, and she is showing her commitment to her want to be with no one other than me as well. So how do I move forward, get rid of the sometimes extreme anger, and begin to trust again? Any advice would be helpful, and please be respectful.


You need to do things that affair proof your marriage. This means that both of you have to make changes.

Take at look at the links in my signature block below... “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Read them and work through them together. You might also benefit from the book “Surviving an Affair”.. these are all by Dr. Harley.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> The OP is setting himself up for an a*s kicking by his wife down the road.
> 
> She has not had to suffer a single consequence for her bad behavior.
> 
> She'll do it again.... because it appears she has married the reincarnation of Mr. Rogers.


What consequences has do you think she still needs to suffer?


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> You're considering an elevation from below human to above human? I can see maybe elevating her to human but not more than that. Even people who never cheated don't get status of above human unless they are really special.
> 
> I misquoted by saying above human. She is really special, but like myself and all others, she is only human.
> 
> ...


And if there were no bad guys, I would be out of a job. However, when people know each other, and are connected through friends or family, I think they have a responsibility to respect those people. I understand that is an unrealistic expectation, but it's how I was raised and it's how I feel.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, good to see that your wife appears to be walking the walk. But I have a few thoughts that I can't quite wrap my head around.
> 
> 1) Your wife said the OM was not very good at sex, yet she slept with him 5 times plus provided him oral on a few other occasions. JMHO, but he must have been good enough to go back for more.
> 
> ...


1. I have the same thought process, but she swears up and down he was not good. She said she really enjoyed the ego boost she got from it every time. Only she really knows the truth.

2. Same with him too. I wonder if she is telling me the truth about that, and only she and him know for sure. I have no choice but to try to trust she is telling me everything.

3. She is not a member yet, though I have been encouraging her to join. She got a lot of that from the book "Not Just Friends". The book was really helpful and gives much of the same advice as people do on this website.

Thank you for the well wishes. Trust me, this is not being swept under the rug. I question her every day looking for inconsistent answers, and every day I remind her how badly she messed up. She seems genuinely remorseful. As for what did and did not happen between her and the others, well, there's no way to know for sure, so I choose, for my sanity, to trust she is telling me everything. She has been warned that if something else comes to light that she did not tell me about or lied about, we will no longer be together.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What consequences has do you think she still needs to suffer?


Sleeping in another bedroom for a few weeks. 

No sex until OP is ready. 

Staying with her family until OP says she can come home. 

Lots of things to display to her what losing her husband will be like. 

I'm not talking about waterboarding her or smashing her thumbs with a hammer EleGirl. 

C'mon.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Are you forcing yourself to reconcile ?Are you reconciling because it is the right thing to do ? She repeatedly cheated with no concern to your feelings.. She knew your previous pain with infidelity but still went ahead and did it. It was not a drunken ONS. It was intentional planned out deceit while you are working for your family. Why do you want some one like her back ? She had her fun and now she has her family back. What is stopping her from doing it again when the guilt washes away in a few years? Is it because of the kids ?
> 
> Have you exposed OM to your friends ?Have you exposed your W to mutual friends and family ?


I am not forcing myself to reconcile. I'm giving it a chance. She knows there is no guarantee I am going to ultimately choose to stay. I don't 100% know the answer for that. I love her very much. So I'm choosing to give her a second chance. Yes she had her fun, and yes she still has her family. Nothing is going to stop her from doing it again unless she chooses to do so. She knows full well though that this is her only second chance. If it happens again, it's over. I'm not sure if it makes a difference or not, but she has given me permission to sleep with someone else if I want to. I do not want to because I believe strongly in commitment. It just might be helpful to know she has given me a free pass in return for her mistake. And yes, my wife has been exposed to family, not mutual friends yet though.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah....free passes...

Straight from the cheater's script. Just one more type of manipulation and a way for her to steer the direction of the Reconcilliation. 

You are the one who decides how the R unfold. Not her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> What consequences has do you think she still needs to suffer?


For starters a good spanking...clothed or unclothed, I'll leave that up to maaz..


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Don't you realize how f*cked up this is ? You are ignoring some major red flags from your wife..Like you did all through her affairs.


Yes I do realize how messed up this is. I'm living with it every single minute of every single day. I will no longer be ignoring warning signs. I will never be blindly in love again. I never should have been, but it happens and I learned from that mistake.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Sleeping in another bedroom for a few weeks.
> 
> No sex until OP is ready.
> 
> ...


Did not think you were talking about water boarding.. 

Just wondered what you tought consequences should be.

Every case is different. This is all up to the OP. I'm not a big one for spouses punishsing each other with times out, humiliations etc. It sets up a very dangerous dynamic in a relationship.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> He wouldn't be f*cking married women if he had a speck of decency in him..And you are giving much too leeway to your wife. Denial or not, I don't know. Your wife is much worse than him. She was the one married and had kids with you...You are ignoring long term issues for temporary relief..


I don't consider my wife a worse person than him, but she certainly made a worse decision than he did. I don't believe he has a speck of decency, but I believe my wife does. I'm hoping, and I believe she just made a mistake. My wife and I have spend several hours of many days discussing the reason this happened. I promised her to stay with her in good times and bad. We've had many good times. Yes, she broke her vows, but before I leave her, I'm going to try to give her a second chance. If in the long run she does it again and we divorce, at least I can say I put my all into it and gave it every shot I had.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think folks here a looking not at what you can do from now on, but what your chick can do to affair proof her marriage in the future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

the guy said:


> For starters a good spanking...clothed or unclothed, I'll leave that up to maaz..


There you go...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

the guy said:


> I think folks here a looking not at what you can do from now on, but what your chick can do to affair proof her marriage in the future.


Yep, this is the bottom line of what has to happen. 

That's why I suggested the books. Really hope that Maaz will get them.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> SERIOUSLY???? If my so called best friend did that to my sister
> I would beat the crap out of him. Your BIL does he have any self respect? Every one know´s this friend´s sister´s are always of limit.And especially if they are married. Good for you to know
> that has your "back"


I am very angry with her brother. Not to excuse him, but he is still pretty young and has had no relationship experience. He's smart, so I figured he would understand this situation and show loyalty to his family, but that has not been the case thus far.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Did not think you were talking about water boarding..
> 
> Just wondered what you tought consequences should be.
> 
> Every case is different. This is all up to the OP. I'm not a big one for spouses punishsing each other with times out, humiliations etc. It sets up a very dangerous dynamic in a relationship.


You make humiliation sound like a bad thing. In all seriousness, we all can agree that without consequences the bad behavior will continue or relaps in the future.

I do agree that each case is different but there hase to be a balance between dangering the dynamics of the relationship and preventive maintenence.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> He is way to nice.That will be a problem down the road.


Maybe I am being way too nice, and maybe that will lead to divorce. And maybe we'll be happily married 50 years from now. Who knows? I can always walk away any time I need to. I just don't want to throw something away that has been so good up till now. Time will tell if I am making a mistake or not.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> The OP is setting himself up for an a*s kicking by his wife down the road.
> 
> She has not had to suffer a single consequence for her bad behavior.
> 
> She'll do it again.... because it appears she has married the reincarnation of Mr. Rogers.


I don't foresee this OP ever getting into a serious relationship unless he cleans up his act. Believe me, my wife is suffering severe consequences for her bad behavior. Since this is fairly fresh, she has suffered a barrage of questioning and put downs, now only from me, but from he family and my family as well. She also seems to be punishing herself pretty badly as she has developed so signs of serious depression. I'm not a pushover or reincarnation of Mr. Rogers :rofl: I just want to give her a second chance. Like I said, if she does it again, she loses me.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You need to do things that affair proof your marriage. This means that both of you have to make changes.
> 
> Take at look at the links in my signature block below... “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Read them and work through them together. You might also benefit from the book “Surviving an Affair”.. these are all by Dr. Harley.


Thank you for the references. We also read "Not Just Friends" together and compared notes we each took from the book. We've done all advised things to affair proof our marriage thus far. And I agree that both of us need to change. I realize how important showing love and affection is now. We both believe our marriage can be stronger than before once we get past this dark period.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

the guy said:


> I think folks here a looking not at what you can do from now on, but what your chick can do to affair proof her marriage in the future.


We've had long conversations about that. I used to be ok without boundaries (with the exception of the obvious). Now there are boundaries. If any one of them is broken, I'm gone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

maaz3231 said:


> We've had long conversations about that. I used to be ok without boundaries (with the exception of the obvious). Now there are boundaries. If any one of them is broken, I'm gone.


Those are your boundries, what are her boundries?

Your boundries are the walls you put up to protect you from future pain and the walls that protect your marriage.

What are walls that she needs to have that will protect her from being influenced in stepping out of the marriage? What are her boundries to protect her marriage.

You do understand that boundries are ment you you and you can't make other poeple have there own boundries....you just can't control poeple.


I know what I will do if my fWW finds another OM #21, and I know what my fWW will do to stay away from another OM#21...I hope LOL...but you do see the difference in the individual minds sets need to have an affair proof marriage?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW Mrs. the -guy was a serial cheater, I confronted her on OM #20. My refrence was...in short, if there was another OM it would be #21 for her and the end of the marriage.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

the guy said:


> Those are your boundries, what are her boundries?
> 
> Your boundries are the walls you put up to protect you from future pain and the walls that protect your marriage.
> 
> ...


Actually, we came up with the boundaries together. I have no interest in controlling her. We both agreed on future boundaries and decided to never keep secrets from each other again. We feel our greatest tool for the health of our marriage is open and honest communication.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> BTW Mrs. the -guy was a serial cheater, I confronted her on OM #20. My refrence was...in short, if there was another OM it would be #21 for her and the end of the marriage.


Ooh boy. Reconciling must have been a real b!tch.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

the guy said:


> I know what I will do if my fWW finds another OM #21, and I know what my fWW will do to stay away from another OM#21...I hope LOL.


Your wife had 20 OM?

Wow. That's a heck of a lot of guys.

Why would you think she wouldn't do it again?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BjornFree said:


> Ooh boy. Reconciling must have been a real b!tch.


Ya it was it took everything I hand not to go back to my old behaviors and start slapping the snot out of her again. Those 52 session of anger managment most of worked.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> Your wife had 20 OM?
> 
> Wow. That's a heck of a lot of guys.
> 
> Why would you think she wouldn't do it again?


The same reason I won't hit her again. We have both come a long way from those days. She has the tools to stay away from that adultorus lifestyle, just like I have the tool that keeps me from hitting her or the POS that took my parking space this morning. LOL


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maaz sorry for the treadjack but I would like to make a point that with bad behaviors one needs to learn the tools to prevent them from happening again..be it a wife beater or a cheating spouse!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

maaz3231 said:


> Maybe I am being way too nice, and maybe that will lead to divorce. And maybe we'll be happily married 50 years from now. Who knows? I can always walk away any time I need to. I just don't want to throw something away that has been so good up till now. Time will tell if I am making a mistake or not.


Ok fair enough. But at least pretend to go bat sh..t on your BIL
Oppose to making excuses for him..


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

No worries the guy. I understand what you are saying though, and thanks.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> Ok fair enough. But at least pretend to go bat sh..t on your BIL
> Oppose to making excuses for him..


I don't event talk to the brother in law anymore. I'm not sure why he is the way he is. If I had a sister, and one of my friends started messing around with her, I'd scare the piss out of him then disown him. Especially if my sister was married.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> 1) Your wife said the OM was not very good at sex, yet she slept with him 5 times plus provided him oral on a few other occasions. JMHO, but he must have been good enough to go back for more.


WW want needs met. OM was meeting those needs. To keep OM meeting those needs WW put out.

OM want to bang everything they can. WW was putting out so OM kept meeting WW needs to keep WW banging OM.

It is not about the quality of the sex for the WW. It was the WW putting up with ever she had to do to keep having her needs met.

As for the OM all sex with a WW is better then dating Rosie Palm and her 5 daughters or 5 finger Mary. So he wil meet a WW needs all day long to have her take care of his sex needs instead of Rosie or Mary.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

maaz3231 said:


> I don't foresee this OP ever getting into a serious relationship unless he cleans up his act. Believe me, my wife is suffering severe consequences for her bad behavior. Since this is fairly fresh, she has suffered a barrage of questioning and put downs, now only from me, but from he family and my family as well. She also seems to be punishing herself pretty badly as she has developed so signs of serious depression. I'm not a pushover or reincarnation of Mr. Rogers :rofl: I just want to give her a second chance. Like I said, if she does it again, she loses me.


Forgive or move on.  If the pain is not gone then do not forgive nor make the decision to R. You only have a 10% chance of making it. The issue is people forgive too soon and the issues are never dealt with.

You keep the putdowns, she will D you in the future and she would be correct in doing so. This will not be a marriage.


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## maaz3231 (May 27, 2011)

jim123 said:


> Forgive or move on. If the pain is not gone then do not forgive nor make the decision to R. You only have a 10% chance of making it. The issue is people forgive too soon and the issues are never dealt with.
> 
> You keep the putdowns, she will D you in the future and she would be correct in doing so. This will not be a marriage.


The pain won't be gone for sometime. I will not forgive her until I feel that I am ready to do so. As for the put downs, it is a natural reaction to someone who has so badly hurt you. The put downs are temporary, and they are mild at most. I'm not sure where you get the statistic of a 10% chance of making it. As of now, I give it a 99% chance of making it, but I have to get over the initial pain for the forgiveness and for the relationship to start getting better.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

maaz3231 said:


> I don't event talk to the brother in law anymore. I'm not sure why he is the way he is. If I had a sister, and one of my friends started messing around with her, I'd scare the piss out of him then disown him. Especially if my sister was married.




That is exactly what i mean..Hence my SERIOUSLY?? Question..


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

maaz3231 said:


> I don't consider my wife a worse person than him, but she certainly made a worse decision than he did.* I don't believe he has a speck of decency*,And this *but I believe my wife does.*
> 
> Just a word of caution.Be careful with that way of reasoning.
> It can often land you in trouble.. As the old saying goes it takes
> ...


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

maaz3231 said:


> The pain won't be gone for sometime. I will not forgive her until I feel that I am ready to do so. As for the put downs, it is a natural reaction to someone who has so badly hurt you. The put downs are temporary, and they are mild at most. I'm not sure where you get the statistic of a 10% chance of making it. As of now, I give it a 99% chance of making it, but I have to get over the initial pain for the forgiveness and for the relationship to start getting better.


The d rate for marriages with A's is double that of marriages without or 90%. A 2010 study found that 9 out of 10 D's had an A within them. Taht does not mean the A is the reason given. The A is a predicator that a marriage will fail.

This means that you both have to work very hard to be part of the 10%. It will not be easy. Small problems will be large.


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