# My Story - Need advice



## hesitationmarks

Quick synopsis: I was a bad husband, porn replaced sex with my wife for years, no emotional intimacy, limited sex, I was an ass to her, she was fed up after years of this and I found a notebook with bills written out, apartment complexes, ect. Confronted her and she said yes I am leaving you. We lived together for a couple more months through the 2013 holidays and she moved out in January. I went into panic mode, begged pleaded, went to IC, co-dependents anonymous would have done anything to get her back. We have a 10 Yo son. I did some investigation and determind she had picked up an EA with a younger worker who she supervised. She came back for a few months in early 2014, we shared intimacy and looked like things were gonna get better but then paranoi set in and she started checking out again and the night before out beach trip with her family she said she is gonna seek divorce. I was devastated, she went back to her apartment. A few months later we sold the family home and both her and I purchased separate smaller homes while still married within 5 miles of each other. I assumed her EA was heating up and said freak it and began drinking excessively, online dates, she kept my son mostly, I did not do anything to better myself other than working out, looking pretty good and ended up having a fling with a 20 year old, sex multiple times. I was 39 at the time and my wife is 40. Every now and again I would have dinner with wife at her house. One night in Early sept she asked me if I wanted to go to a cabin rental which we did quite often when married. I said yes and asked her to come over to my house that night and we proceeded to have sex. I asked her what the hell happened and she said it was the guy at work coming on strong that sealed the deal for her as far as leaving me. We proceeded to be together and I did not tell her about the 20 year old. Inncut all ties with the 20 YO. I experienced a UTI and my wife did and went to the doctor. I assumed I had and std so told the wife I had sex with a young woman. Turns out it was not an std, she was furious as you might imagine. It was a rough month. We survived it and ended up selling both homes and moved into a single larger home in March 2015. I learned that her coworker requested to transfer from my wife's unit due to "home stress" it was causing him. He had a GF and young child together. And his GF was jealous of my wife. I don't know what happened between my wife and the guy, he was just giving her the eye and touching her hand getting her butterflies racing or it could have been worse, she says nothing happened. 

My wife keeps saying now that I'm trying but can't get over the fact I slept with someone else. I understand that. The guy is still working with her and my gut tells me that she is talking with him again and I believe there was very limited contact with them after he demanded to leave her unit for sometime. Either I have a wife that won't forgive me for sleeping with someone when we were not together anymore or she is again entering an EA. she just bought the new shades of gray book. It feels like a repeat of 2013/2014. I feel my appetite going away, constant obsession over this, just wanting her to show some affection. We have sex but other than that there is very little there but a peck on the lips each morning and night. She has her walls halfway up. We are reconciled but I feel she can jump ship anytime all it takes is one instance. I need your help folks, I love my wife, made terrible mistakes. I am very low at this time, probably clingy. Is there anything I can do to guide her back to me completely. Or is this thing likely dead and I am living on borrowed time. She denies anything is going on with the guy at work. She is with me on nights and weekends. Man I really love her but feel I am gonna lose her again and maybe that is my faith for the sins I have committed. Please help with you advice. I only drink subtle and don't talk to any other girls. I just want my wife back.


----------



## arbitrator

*If this relationship is, in any way, going to be saved, it is going to require mandatory joint participation on both of your parts in both MC and IC.

The one that I really feel sorry for here is your son! That poor child has been preeminently put through sheer hell by both of your actions! You both need to seek his forgiveness!

And while you're at it, arrange for this son of yours to receive some counseling of his very own!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hesitationmarks

Yep she is totally saying now that she need space and time but she wants to be single but still wants to be with me just tired of crying her eyes out. Should I throw in the towel looks like I'm on borrowed time. Damn I love that woman. She won't forgive me and it's been nearly nine months. It was a foolish thing to do and I regret it so much. If she only knew how much I love her. Damn ain't life a *****. Looks like I will be joining the divorce club.


----------



## AlmostDone821

It sounds like she is reversing it on you. IMO, you could actually be saying the same thing to her. You don't know what she did. Is she saying that she absolutely had NO sex during this time either? And if so why would you believe that? It's super easy to blameshift so one doesn't have to take responsibility. The things that would piss me off in her shoes is the fact that you didn't tell me until you thought you had a STD and the age of the girl. You are both old enough to be the girls parents and that would bother me A LOT and that is a big blow to her self-esteem. She is not 20 anymore and never will be. And she knows you had sex so she probably has an unrealistic sex tape of it running through her head. The bottom line though is neither of you are without blame. When she was unhappy originally when you were an ass, she didn't have to seek out external sources. We are all unhappy at some point but that doesn't mean it's ok for me to confide in my male co-worker, that is not ok. If I'm not happy, I need to tell my husband - hey I'm not happy and you're an ass and if things don't change I'm leaving. But bringing in another person into the mix is definitely not going to help the situation.

You should try a marriage intensive counseling session or weekend. Some marriage counselors will do a 4 to 5 hour session in one sitting. There are also weekend intensive sessions. What have you got to lose by trying it? At least then you could honestly tell your son that you both did everything you could and if anything you could possibly work out a positive way to co-parent.


----------



## cdbaker

My impression of the situation is (was?) that his wife wanted the separation because she was involved with a co-worker. (Maybe it started as an EA, but an EA that leads to a separation almost ALWAYS becomes a PA) If she asked for and received the separation, and they went so far as to sell their home and BUY (not rent) new homes, then I don't think she has much right at all to be too angry at him for moving on and getting involved with someone else. Her age really has nothing to do with it.

With that said, if you want to save your marriage, you've got to do the 180 and read into "No more Mr. Nice Guy". Before that though, have you gotten your porn addiction under control? Like REALLY under control? I find that 90% of men who discover they are addicted (which itself is the vast majority of men), will then later lie about not using it anymore. Have you REALLY changed as a person from the husband you were to her before? You've got to get that in check first.


----------



## ConanHub

Um... she cheats on you and leaves you for another man, you get drunk and start banging a young hotty, not smart but not cheating, and she is getting pissy?

I will say that fvcking others will usually spell doom for a relationship but your relationship was already dead because she left you to be with someone else.

Call it quits. She is deranged. Maybe if she gets enough mental help, she could make up her mind.

Too much damage at the moment that isn't being dealt with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

hesitationmarks said:


> Quick synopsis: I was a bad husband, porn replaced sex with my wife for years, no emotional intimacy, limited sex, I was an ass to her, she was fed up after years of this and I found a notebook with bills written out, apartment complexes, ect. Confronted her and she said yes I am leaving you. We lived together for a couple more months through the 2013 holidays and she moved out in January. I went into panic mode, begged pleaded, went to IC, co-dependents anonymous would have done anything to get her back. We have a 10 Yo son. I did some investigation and determind she had picked up an EA with a younger worker who she supervised. She came back for a few months in early 2014, we shared intimacy and looked like things were gonna get better but then paranoi set in and she started checking out again and the night before out beach trip with her family she said she is gonna seek divorce. I was devastated, she went back to her apartment. A few months later we sold the family home and both her and I purchased separate smaller homes while still married within 5 miles of each other. I assumed her EA was heating up and said freak it and began drinking excessively, online dates, she kept my son mostly, I did not do anything to better myself other than working out, looking pretty good and ended up having a fling with a 20 year old, sex multiple times. I was 39 at the time and my wife is 40. Every now and again I would have dinner with wife at her house. One night in Early sept she asked me if I wanted to go to a cabin rental which we did quite often when married. I said yes and asked her to come over to my house that night and we proceeded to have sex. I asked her what the hell happened and she said it was the guy at work coming on strong that sealed the deal for her as far as leaving me. We proceeded to be together and I did not tell her about the 20 year old. Inncut all ties with the 20 YO. I experienced a UTI and my wife did and went to the doctor. I assumed I had and std so told the wife I had sex with a young woman. Turns out it was not an std, she was furious as you might imagine. It was a rough month. We survived it and ended up selling both homes and moved into a single larger home in March 2015. I learned that her coworker requested to transfer from my wife's unit due to "home stress" it was causing him. He had a GF and young child together. And his GF was jealous of my wife. *I don't know what happened between my wife and the guy, he was just giving her the eye and touching her hand getting her butterflies racing or it could have been worse, she says nothing happened.*
> 
> My wife keeps saying now that I'm trying but can't get over the fact I slept with someone else. I understand that. The guy is still working with her and my gut tells me that she is talking with him again and I believe there was very limited contact with them after he demanded to leave her unit for sometime. Either I have a wife that won't forgive me for sleeping with someone when we were not together anymore or she is again entering an EA. she just bought the new shades of gray book. It feels like a repeat of 2013/2014. I feel my appetite going away, constant obsession over this, just wanting her to show some affection. We have sex but other than that there is very little there but a peck on the lips each morning and night. She has her walls halfway up. We are reconciled but I feel she can jump ship anytime all it takes is one instance. I need your help folks, I love my wife, made terrible mistakes. I am very low at this time, probably clingy. Is there anything I can do to guide her back to me completely. Or is this thing likely dead and I am living on borrowed time. She denies anything is going on with the guy at work. She is with me on nights and weekends. Man I really love her but feel I am gonna lose her again and maybe that is my faith for the sins I have committed. Please help with you advice. I only drink subtle and don't talk to any other girls. I just want my wife back.


Please tell me that you're not falling for this bullsh*t.

She left you for him TWICE and you honestly believe that "nothing happened"...?

*OF COURSE SOMETHING HAPPENED!!! SHE F*CKED HIM.*

Until she admits that, there's nothing for you to save.

P.S. They're probably still f*cking.


----------



## GusPolinski

hesitationmarks said:


> Yep she is totally saying now that she need space and time but she wants to be single but still wants to be with me just tired of crying her eyes out. Should I throw in the towel looks like I'm on borrowed time. Damn I love that woman. She won't forgive me and it's been nearly nine months. It was a foolish thing to do and I regret it so much. If she only knew how much I love her. Damn ain't life a *****. Looks like I will be joining the divorce club.


Just read ^this^.

Yep, they're still f*cking.


----------



## hesitationmarks

I got no proof she banged him. Where's the proof need that bro


----------



## hesitationmarks

Well its all a mute point now, I pressed her the last few days and she said today that she wants the divorce and can't get over the fact that I "cheated" after she left me during our "separation". I accept that. What do I do now to protect my self interest folks.


----------



## GusPolinski

hesitationmarks said:


> I got no proof she banged him. Where's the proof need that bro


Why do you need proof? Again, she left you for him... TWICE!!!

Do you really need to see video of them banging in order to believe that they actually did the deed?


----------



## aine

Your wife is making herself feel better by passing the blame onto you for the failure of the marriage. Yes you treated her badly but she went out and had the A before you, you were with the 20YO when you were separated so all bets were off, she cannot pin this on you. You are falling for it too. Your WW will keep this hanging over your head if you let it, I say move on and prepare yourself for the inevitable. Do the 180 for you, get a good lawyer and go from there.


----------



## hesitationmarks

Thanks for your thoughts, keep em coming, they are all very helpful


----------



## hesitationmarks

Now she is acting like she doesn't want a divorce, I said let me move out for 6 months and see how you fell then and she said she didn't want me to get an apartment. She still denies anything with the guy, I don't believe anything happened. I truly don't believe she did anything physical with him. She was home every night while I was out. If I told her I banged a 20 year old, wouldnt she come out and just say she f'd the co-worked if she did it out of revenge. Should I get a PI, I have nothing man. Other than a paranoid hunch. She spend all her time with me, no girls night out. The only time I don't see her is during work hours. She is home by 4:30 pm everyday. I think I am right about her.


----------



## ConanHub

Didn't she separate from you to be with him?

Regardless. She left you twice to be with another man.

Look up plan B.

You are it.

When she was separated from you, how the hell do you know what she was or wasn't doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

