# Please help...I want to save my marriage!



## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Hello there-
I am 27, my husband and I are separated, but working on getting back together. It started when I noticed that a girl was getting too close to him and it made me uncomfortable, so I asked him to stop talking to her (but I did so in a yelling way, which I am regretful). He began texting her and gave her a ride home, lent her an expensive camera, and took her to the movies. I did yell at him at lot and accuse him of seeing her because he began staying out late and didn't make me believe any different with his actions- his behavior totally changed. I could not take anymore the day I found out he let her borrow my camera, so I smacked him. That day he told me to pack my stuff. So I went to my parents. This girl began copying some of my photography shots and even made a fake account to spy on my photos. When I said that she was copying me, she said I should kill myself. My husband is still friends with her and won't stop even after I asked him and believe it is our issue. 
He says our issue is trust and that he should be able to be friends with anyone- my problem is just with this one. I can tell when other women like my husband and this one does. I have no problem with any of his other female friends. 
I want to work this out, but I feel like it can't fully begin with her still in the picture. He says she is just a friend and has maintained that.
We both screwed up- I yelled and accused and he just kept on with her. But this is fixable. He says that he doesn't want me home until we work things out, but it's so hard when you've been together for 10 years. Thoughts?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

You should have been quicker. Why is he the one who decides when you should come back. You should have been the one to tell him that: to pack his bags if he is not willing to work with YOU!
Yes you didn't handled the situation quite good, but of course you couldn't have. He refused to stop seeing her... I think you should be the one making the rules. Well you can also apologize for the slap to begin with. But then make should you start dealing with the trust issues in your marriage, when there's no one in the picture,who's causing them!
Good luck


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Thanks Charlene- I did apologize for slapping him and I really regret it. I didn't think before I acted. He says that she has nothing to do with the situation, but clearly she does.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

We were renting an apartment and I could not afford it on my own. I had just lost my job.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Ok i see things are not easy for you right now.... i meant you should have made it clear that if she's not out of the picture ,you'll leave....it shouldn't have come to this- he to tell you you should pack your bags. Aren't you hearing from him? Does he call?


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

We talk every day online and on the phone. I mean, I can see that he wants to be trusted, but if that is the case, he shouldn't have done all those things, you know?


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

The smack was in front of people, which makes matters worse. But I really did not mean to do that. I saw that she had taken a picture with it on facebook and I told him I was going to come to his workplace and get the camera...I went...he said he didn't have it. I said I know where it is...and that's when it happened. I just reached that point where I couldn't handle it. I apologized to him and to everyone there. I know it was a blow to his pride and I really regret it. That is the first time I have ever acted in that manner.


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## DeadlyNightshade (Dec 5, 2011)

Maybe it is just me, but I think you have a reason to be upset with him. She told you to kill yourself, and still your husband stays in touch with her. He seems to just brush off you concerns.

I know I'll likely get critical replies to this, but I don't think friendships with the other gender are a good idea when married or in a serious relationship.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

He says it is silly to ask him to stop being friends with someone. But like I said before, I have no problems with anyone else. He is a tattoo artist and tattoos ladies on sensitive areas every day and I have no problem with that either, it's his career. 
The whole kill myself thing really bothered me. He said I started it by saying she copied me. I think regardless, he should have been like, "Wow, this girl is nutso. Later."


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

To add: while arguing over this, he stopped kissing me, hugging me, having sex with me. He said he wanted to be good friends before being that married couple again. I understand that it hurt him, but I am the type of person that needs affection.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

DeadlyNightshade said:


> Maybe it is just me, but I think you have a reason to be upset with him. She told you to kill yourself, and still your husband stays in touch with her. He seems to just brush off you concerns.
> 
> I know I'll likely get critical replies to this, but I don't think friendships with the other gender are a good idea when married or in a serious relationship.


No, i think you're right. Of course there are exceptions like freindly couples or old friends who are friends with your partner from the begining. But like that here , No Way! It would be a huge issue for me / andvfor myhusband if he was the OP/
This is may be the only think we agreed on -If your spouse feels uncomportable you beeing friends with someone, then the other person should go away.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Like most people here you need real counselling. You wont have it easy getting him back, and it seems you need him more than he needs you. I am afraid you will have to give in all the way.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Maybe your husband did not deserve to be slapped in public but he was out of order and is completely disrespecting you. If you ask your spouse to end a relationship with someone of the opposite sex then guess what? You do it. Personally I think you need to do the 180 and start making some demands. He is toying with you. When you apologized for slapping him you should have told him it was wrong to do it in front of other people.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

He gave your camera to her without your permission. He did this even though he knew you wanted him to stop seeing her. She is an open enemy of you and the marriage yet he does not care about that. He stopped being intimate with you and had you leave the home until you agree to his relationship with her. He at every turn is picking her over you. He is at the very least having an emotional affair with her and may be having a physical one too.

Sorry, but your marriage may be over. You cannot save it until he picks you over her, which he clearly is not doing.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi, kitty0819
There is two problem with your relationship.
The first one is that there is that girl who is actively trying to ruin your relationship. You have noticed that and is trying to fix it. That is good. 

But the second one, the most dangerous problem, you have failed to recognized. Your husband has lost all of his respect for you. He don't even listen to what you said.

Your relationship is dying from the inside and to some extend, from the outside. 

If you want to save your marriage, you have to fix it from the inside out. You have to add back the attraction, you have to make him wants you like the first day you met.

If you can do that, no girl can even compare to you in his eyes.

So here is what to do now.
Realize that the problem is not the girl, but it is your relationship.

Stop getting jealous over that girl (nobody want and over protective wife and jealous wife).

Start dressing more provocative, make him remember why he choose you in the first place, and why he should dump the other girl.

If you follow my instruction, you will get him back in no time.
You should also read this article on how to save your marriage.
how to save my marriage

In addition, you should get the save my marriage today program by amy waterman. 

My friend bought the product and it helped her save her marriage.
She love it so much that she wrote a review about it.
You can read her review here save my marriage today review


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

@RClawson- I did apologize for doing that in front of people. I even apologized to the people who were there.

@TRy- He does not see her as the issue. Maybe she is not the entire issue, but she IS a big part of it. He says he wants to rebuild everything before I come home, but I am living 2 hours away. It's hard to rebuild trust when you do not live with someone.

@Patricia- Thank you. I will look into it. I just have a problem with her, it is no other girl.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

@Patricia- so I should let their friendship continue?


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

I have tried demanding that their friendship be over. It gets me nowhere. He then in turns tells me he wants me to stop being friends with a guy I've known for 22 years, just to show me "how silly it is" to ask someone to stop being friends.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I honestly feel your remorseful for your actions, the slapping. You should and sounds like you did apologize for that. Your part in this is over.

You are absolutely right to get upset at this. I highly doubt that they are just friends, the things you are saying lead me to believe it has gone physical or at least, very emotional. Regardless, this woman is actively seeking the end of your marriage.

I had a friendship with a good friend before I met my wife. We never got physical, kept it strictly on the friend level, and I always kept my messages in the open if she wanted to read them. I had nothing to hide and let my wife know that. When we got married my wife told me she had a problem with it, and I told her she was crazy and that she was just being paranoid.

8 years later, after she cheated on me, I looked back on what I did and can't believe how incredibly insensitive I was. My wife saw that I had a connection with another woman and asked me to stop, and I **** on her! I told my wife how stupid that was of me and I asked her honestly why she put up with it. If she would have left I would have realized how important it was to her and it would have stopped. Thats what my wife SHOULD have done.

In that case, I only messaged her, kept it completely open, was friends for a long time, and she was happily married and completely respected my marriage. This is NOT your situation. Your husband is physically seeing this woman, alone. Give her gifts. Hiding things from you. And the woman is trying to destroy your marriage.

Your husband is being a dumbass and you need to tell him to leave or move out until he decides to stop seeing this woman. Read the book "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. You need to leave immediately and not discuss reconciliation at all until he stops talking to this woman. He is probably cheating on you already or is about to soon, I would definitely start spying on his texts/emails or hiring a PI to tail them on their dates (these are dates, do not be naive).

Do not be naive and do not be your husband's doormat. The thing about my affair I most regret is not listening to my inner voice. If you are not a paranoid person by nature, then the feeling in your gut that this isn't right, the jealousy, is a GOOD thing. You KNOW this woman will destroy your marriage, she WILL destroy your marriage. If your husband will not listen to you, send a clear message by walking out. That is the only way to save your marriage.

Also, do not listen to the bitter ones or haters, your marriage can be saved, but it will not be through appeasement. The book I suggested will show you that. Another similar suggestion is the Divorce Busters 180 plan. The worst thing you can do is let him continue to talk to this woman. Do not be manipulated by your husband, you are clearly in the right in this situation. Your husband is not clearly thinking because he is in the fog of an affair. He is rationalizing because he is excited by this woman and wants to be with her.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

He says that they don't talk very often, maybe once a week or so? And he is saying that he is never alone with her. He said the movies was in a group, but when she posted about it on facebook, she just listed him. I am currently living with my parents, 2 hours away.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

She is also 18 and he is 27.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> He says that they don't talk very often, maybe once a week or so? And he is saying that he is never alone with her. He said the movies was in a group, but when she posted about it on facebook, she just listed him. I am currently living with my parents, 2 hours away.


I dont want to be rude but your husband is cheating on you. He is lying out his teeth. Read on these forums the unbelievable lies cheating spouses say. From personal experience, i know this is hard to believe. You want to believe your spouse, but my wife who is a very sweet person, lied through her teeth for six weeks while she had an EA and PA. I could not believe the deception. Hire a PI and start snooping and you will know the truth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I also wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it is hard. The good thing about these boards is there are so many people who are or who have gone through what you are. You're going to go through a whirlwind of emotions and have a horrible few weeks. But when the dust settles your life will have a new meaning and direction. You will experience pain, but there will also be hope. Hope that no matter what the outcome, you will become a better and stronger person from this.

I would not wish the experience on my worst enemy, but in many ways, I am very glad that I have gone through this. My marriage is completely brand new, and I have a heart to be there for people in the same situation. Use this time of pain to reflect on who you want to be and how you want to live your life, and have hope that you can become that person, no matter what happens with your relationship.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Thanks COguy....I'm going to attend a couple of support group meetings to help with the pain. Today I added back that I was married on my profile and unblocked her. Wasn't long after that she deleted him off her friends list. I think it is too much of a coincidence. He said he didn't know she had and that he was talking to her about working on her on his off days, I guess via text. I'm convinced she saw my info, deleted him, jumped his ass, and that's why they were talking, not over a tattoo. I mean, it was really fast...right after I listed I was married. We fought again and I kept trying to get him to stop talking to her...he called me a selfish **** and said to be happy if he talks to me again.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Maybe I am wrong...but I don't see why he would just be talking to her when he doesn't really talk to her all that much, so he says. I hate to be a nag, but she needs to be gone if we go forward.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

It has been nearly 2 months since I have been home. He says I should trust him, but how can I do that unless I am there with him?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

I don't think there's point in coming back home unless he decide to respect your wish.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

the only way to move forward in this is to force your H into making a decision. i'm going through something similar.

tell him that he has one of 2 choices:
a. you move back home with him & then 2 of you start rebuilding your marriage TOGETHER. you cannot work on a marriage with the two of you apart. explain that to him. if he says that he wants the issues resolved before you come home, then tell him that it's unlikely when you are 2 hours away.

b. if he refuses to let you back home, then tell him 2 months are long enough to get clarity & make a decision on your future. if he is not committed to working on your marriage together, then you need to move forward with a seperation/ or divorce.

do not get into an argument with him trying to convince him of the poor decisions he is making. he will just get defensive. instead put the ball in his court.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

blissful said:


> the only way to move forward in this is to force your H into making a decision. i'm going through something similar.
> 
> tell him that he has one of 2 choices:
> a. you move back home with him & then 2 of you start rebuilding your marriage TOGETHER. you cannot work on a marriage with the two of you apart. explain that to him. if he says that he wants the issues resolved before you come home, then tell him that it's unlikely when you are 2 hours away.
> ...


Good advice, but I kind of disagree with "A". If you move back in before he agrees to your demands (mainly that he severs contact with this woman), you tacitly approve of his behavior. Your husband sounds like he does not WANT to reconcile. He is happy to continue with someone other than you. Do not sell yourself short by accepting a man who does not truly respect you or your feelings.

The bad news is, you are being rejected, and I know the pain that comes with this. My heart breaks for you right now as you deal with this.

The good news is, you are standing up for yourself and showing that you have self-respect by not allowing yourself to be walked over. You are laying the groundwork for a successful, peaceful life, even if that is really hard to see right now. Once the pain from your loss (which will feel almost exactly like the death of a loved one) starts to subside. Ask yourself, would you really want to stay married to a man who can be so callus and cold to your emotional health? You do not deserve that, no wife does.

My advice for you is to act is if the relationship is over. Don't act angry or resentful to him, that will get you nowhere and validate his "choice" to himself. Instead, start acting as if you are going to move on. Start doing the things you would do if you were divorced and ready to start dating again (even if you don't want to think about it). This strategy will make you instantly more attractive to your spouse and he'll wonder what he's doing. If your marriage is not going to work out, which it very easily may not if he's not remorseful after 2 months, then you are putting yourself in a good position to move on. I know it's easy to say but hard to do, but as you start to concentrate on improving yourself, you'll start to gain more confidence and have more peace with your decision.

We are here for you, along with your family. I will start praying for your peace and comfort in these troubling days. I don't know your religious background, but it really helped me in that time to know there was a merciful, loving God that I could lean on and trust when the crap hit the fan.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Well, nothing has changed. He told me I should have her blocked by today, but I told him no. I have come to realize he has been the controlling one in this situation. He's controlling when I come home, trying to make me block her, and telling me to stop looking at her profile. I know I shouldn't for my sanity's sake, but I refuse to do it just because I have not gotten what I asked for, why should he? 

CoGuy- Yeah I am being rejected. And it does feel like the death of a loved one. But tonight, I am trying to find peace. He got online and didn't message me. Thank you. Yes he has been cold. I know this has hurt him too, I mean 10 years is a long time, but these actions are not those of a loving husband. I'm not perfect, but I have been very, very good to him. I never ever gave him reason to think I would ever be with anyone else...took care of the house, cooked, gave him all of me. I feel like this is the thanks I get for that. Thank you very much. I am actually going to start tomorrow by moving into my aunt's basement apartment in a decent sized city. I'm excited! 

It's funny that even though I yelled at him a lot and smacked him, you guys still see his actions as worse than mine. I'm not meaning that in a bad way, it's just that he throws that up in my face a lot. Says I was more wrong in it than he was. He just wanted a friend.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> He says it is silly to ask him to stop being friends with someone.


Tell him you are not asking him to stop being friends with anyone. You are asking him to make a choice between friendship with her and marriage to you.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> Well, nothing has changed. He told me I should have her blocked by today, but I told him no. I have come to realize he has been the controlling one in this situation. He's controlling when I come home, trying to make me block her, and telling me to stop looking at her profile. I know I shouldn't for my sanity's sake, but I refuse to do it just because I have not gotten what I asked for, why should he?
> 
> CoGuy- Yeah I am being rejected. And it does feel like the death of a loved one. But tonight, I am trying to find peace. He got online and didn't message me. Thank you. Yes he has been cold. I know this has hurt him too, I mean 10 years is a long time, but these actions are not those of a loving husband. I'm not perfect, but I have been very, very good to him. I never ever gave him reason to think I would ever be with anyone else...took care of the house, cooked, gave him all of me. I feel like this is the thanks I get for that. Thank you very much. I am actually going to start tomorrow by moving into my aunt's basement apartment in a decent sized city. I'm excited!
> 
> It's funny that even though I yelled at him a lot and smacked him, you guys still see his actions as worse than mine. I'm not meaning that in a bad way, it's just that he throws that up in my face a lot. Says I was more wrong in it than he was. He just wanted a friend.


I was speaking to my wife about her affair time last night. One of the things that was most hurtful is that she tried to distort MY reality. Like I couldn't trust my perception of reality anymore. I KNEW something wasn't right, but she was so aggressive and adamant that nothing was going on and that I was the crazy one and acting out of line. It's very emotionally taxing.

That's why we are here supporting you, many of us have been involved in a similar situation (either as the betrayer or the wayward spouse), we know how it feels. We want to confirm to you that you are 100% correct in your actions and doing a great job, you are a very strong woman to recognize he's being a jerk and have the strength to pick up the pieces and move on. There are a LOT of women who would just sit there and take it while their husbands continue to act callusly and inappropriately.

Don't believe your husband's lies. YOU are acting in good faith and with love in your heart, he is being selfish and is reaping the consequences. You deserve to be in a loving, caring, supportive relationship!


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Sounds like gaslighting. GASLIGHTING: The Extremes of Emotional Abuse « Voice of Cassandra I feel this way as well. Found it the other night while doing some research. Sorry that you went through that as well. It's terrible. 
Thank you so very much, I really do appreciate it. You guys have been saying what friends and family have been, but it always just helps to have a non-biased opinion.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Sorry this is happening to you. 

Your husband is acting like a fool.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

He's a moron, no doubt!


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

To let you guys know the latest: I posted that I had time to think and that we should work harder on his fb page. This was an experiment. Not long afterwards, he deleted it and she had posted that "you're not worth it...i'm done". Guess that tells me everything.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

She also just blocked me. She wouldn't just randomly do that if not for my posts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> She also just blocked me. She wouldn't just randomly do that if not for my posts.


Kitty, please look at the 180 in my signature below. This is the way you should be handling things with your H now. 

I agree that you should not delete the OW (other woman, or should we say OG.. other OG) because your H told you to while he's having an affair with her. But you should act like she does not exist. Ignore her she's toxic. While you see her as the problem, it's your husband who is. All it would take would be for him to tell her to take a hike. He's the one who married you and made serious promisses. She has no obligation to you.

By your paying any attention to her at all you are giving her amo to use against you. And you are making her far more important than she is. The more you withhold your support/love from your husband the more pressure will be put on the affair. At 18 she will be hard pressed to provide a 27 year old man with his needs. 

Again look at the 180 and the other link in my signature.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> To let you guys know the latest: I posted that I had time to think and that we should work harder on his fb page. This was an experiment. Not long afterwards, he deleted it and she had posted that "you're not worth it...i'm done". Guess that tells me everything.


Let's see what happens...

My hardest emotion throughout the deceit was in feeling that I wasn't my wife's 1st choice, she was looking for more. I wanted to be with someone not because they didn't find better, but because I was their 1st choice. You certainly don't want to be your husband's rebound.

I accepted reconciliation with my wife because her actions told me that she really loved me and that I really was her first choice, she had just been in too much of a fog to see it. Make sure you get a similar response from your husband if he starts wanting to reconcile.

He should be truly remorseful, talk about how dumb and stupid he was, be exceedingly truthful about what happened (details about the affair), and show steps to prevent it from happening again. He should be willing to go to counseling and be open to any reasonable demand you have (password sharing, phone sharing, itinerary sharing, etc.).

If he's not truly remorseful, then he'll talk about wanting to make it work but won't take the steps needed to make it happen. At this point, an attempt to say there was nothing going on with this woman would be the ultimate sign, there is obviously a connection there if he let his wife leave over it.


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## MattTalkShow (Dec 11, 2011)

I can help with anything that you need to get the truth out for.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

I think I'm just to the point where I'm not interested in it anymore. I've got those really angry feelings right now and think that after all these months that I don't need to be with him anymore. If he's going to treat me as if my concerns are nothing, why should I continue? 

We have had questionable events happen before. Once when we dated (with his ex), once when we were engaged (he says he just kissed this person), and now this. I forgave the two instances. I figured that he had changed. But this situation shows me he's just more of that person and I guess I'm just not enough to keep him happy. So I think maybe the best thing for me is to start my life over without him and file for a divorce.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

"If he's not truly remorseful, then he'll talk about wanting to make it work but won't take the steps needed to make it happen. At this point, an attempt to say there was nothing going on with this woman would be the ultimate sign, there is obviously a connection there if he let his wife leave over it. "


This has been the case. Talk about wanting to work it out, but not seeing those actions through. Why am I wasting my time?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want a divorce then file for it. See an attorney. You have no obligation to stay in a marriage where this is going on.

How often are you talking, texting, chatting with him?


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I let my H continue a friendship with a girl I was uncomfortable with. Two weeks ago he confessed he slept with her three times and got her pregnant! 

Don't fall for it, if he valued you and your relationship he would stop seeing her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> I think I'm just to the point where I'm not interested in it anymore. I've got those really angry feelings right now and think that after all these months that I don't need to be with him anymore. If he's going to treat me as if my concerns are nothing, why should I continue?
> 
> We have had questionable events happen before. Once when we dated (with his ex), once when we were engaged (he says he just kissed this person), and now this. I forgave the two instances. I figured that he had changed. But this situation shows me he's just more of that person and I guess I'm just not enough to keep him happy. So I think maybe the best thing for me is to start my life over without him and file for a divorce.


You're making the decision from a place of strength not of weakness. You deserve better than someone who would minimize your feelings (he's also a cheating d-bag).

Don't settle for someone who does not truly care about you. You're a strong woman, you deserve to be loved and cared for. Make sure that you always demand that kind of respect from the men in your life. I hope the best for you and hope you have peace in your decisions over the next few weeks. And as much happiness as you can create during the transitional phase in your life.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If you want a divorce then file for it. See an attorney. You have no obligation to stay in a marriage where this is going on.
> 
> How often are you talking, texting, chatting with him?


We talk online almost every night. But he doesn't call me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> We talk online almost every night. But he doesn't call me.


Have you read the 180 in my signature block below yet?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Have you read the 180 in my signature block below yet?


sorry for distracting, but is this 180 list only for betrayed spouses or can i use it with my husband who tents to be emotionally/verbally abusive?


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

The 180 from what I've read is a way of creating strength within yourself. Even if your H has not been unfaithful. If you are being treated badly soon the 180 will show your H that you will not accept this behaviour from him and are separating yourself from him. He will either see that he is wron and amend his ways or he will not. If he doesn't you are being strong and will be well on your way out of an abusive relationship. 

If your H is physically abusive them I think you need professional advice on how to handle things
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

Kitty, l understand your plight. l must say the only mistake you made was slapping your husband in public. It hurt his ego. l dont blame you much cos he pushed you. But you did d right thing by appologizing. l am really happy for you for wanting to safe your marriage and l pray God who is the pillar of marriage should come to your rescue.

D problem is not the other girl, it is your HUSBAND. You might not like what l want to say. Your husband is is lying to you and discusses you with the other girl, if not why would the little girl tell you to kill yourself. He is not showing you any respect whatsover. Since you have moved out of your matrinonial home, get a job if possible and concentrate on your job and don't think of going into another relationship cos you are married. Show love to your husband, and take it that he is on vacation, and invariably when is satisfied with having his fling, he will come back to you, then you can give your condition to continue the marriage. It is only a foolish man that can give in to a strange woman for temporily pleasure that always ends in agony and regrets. For now, pamper yourself and take proper care of yourself. Be strong for yourself. You are just 27 not 37.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kallywana said:


> Kitty, l understand your plight. l must say the only mistake you made was slapping your husband in public. It hurt his ego. l dont blame you much cos he pushed you. But you did d right thing by appologizing. l am really happy for you for wanting to safe your marriage and l pray God who is the pillar of marriage should come to your rescue.
> 
> D problem is not the other girl, it is your HUSBAND. You might not like what l want to say. Your husband is is lying to you and discusses you with the other girl, if not why would the little girl tell you to kill yourself. He is not showing you any respect whatsover. Since you have moved out of your matrinonial home, get a job if possible and concentrate on your job and don't think of going into another relationship cos you are married. Show love to your husband, and take it that he is on vacation, and invariably when is satisfied with having his fling, he will come back to you, then you can give your condition to continue the marriage. It is only a foolish man that can give in to a strange woman for temporily pleasure that always ends in agony and regrets. For now, pamper yourself and take proper care of yourself. Be strong for yourself. You are just 27 not 37.


I think that's a horrible way to go through life. Kitty is a wonderful woman deserving of respect and commitment. Why would she continue to "wait" for her husband while he is unfaithful, unloving, and uncaring of her needs. All people deserve to be in a relationship where there is mutual respect and care for the other's needs.

I do not believe God would want her to continue to be in an unhealthy, toxic relationship. Would you want your son or daughter to stick it out in her situation? God loves her, he wants the best for her. She isn't running out on her husband, her husband ran out on her. If her husband is TRULY remorseful (which he is not right now at all), and SHE decides to take him back, it will be from a place of strength and not obligation. Nowhere in the Bible does it show that we should be doormats for our spouses.

Quite the contrary, the message is that we are children of the King, and should command the respect that that entails. No heir to a throne would accept this kind of treatment.

I am always optimistic about healing in marriage and reconciliation, but not the way you are suggesting. You're vision of their future marriage will never result in fulfillment or peace. "Waiting" for her husband as if he are on vacation? What happens if he never comes back from vacation? Her marriage was over when her husband cheated on her. Reconciliation is just that, reconciling a split in the marriage. She has no obligation to wait until her husband decides to stop acting like an idiot.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

COguy said:


> I think that's a horrible way to go through life. Kitty is a wonderful woman deserving of respect and commitment. Why would she continue to "wait" for her husband while he is unfaithful, unloving, and uncaring of her needs. All people deserve to be in a relationship where there is mutual respect and care for the other's needs.
> 
> I do not believe God would want her to continue to be in an unhealthy, toxic relationship. Would you want your son or daughter to stick it out in her situation? God loves her, he wants the best for her. She isn't running out on her husband, her husband ran out on her. If her husband is TRULY remorseful (which he is not right now at all), and SHE decides to take him back, it will be from a place of strength and not obligation. Nowhere in the Bible does it show that we should be doormats for our spouses.
> 
> ...



Coguy, you are free to express ur own opinion just as l am free to do so. 

In case u have forgotton, she said, she wants to save her marriage. She is not interested in divorce or separation. It might be easy to for you while it is difficult for another. 

From all indications, her husband might not be sleeping with this girl, it might be a harmless friendship, which the wife is very uncomfortable with - is natural cos it is possing a threat to their marriage, and you dont expect her to kill her husband because he has refused to stop the relation or pack out of her home on her own accord just because of some little girl. This is a mere suspision without proof. It might even be that the wife is going about it the wrong way. We all have to learn to live beyond our feelings sometime. Dont forget her husband is a tattoo artist. You dont the tone she has been using to tell him to stop seeing the other girl, dat cud warrant him telling her he has right to friendship with anyone. 

The husband got a hot slap and felt humilated in public. she has said she was sorry but that does not change the fact that the wife showed a degree of disrepect to the husband outside home. Men are very much particular about respect in marriage. That is why the man has asked her to leave their home. She refuses to take charge before the issue got out of hand, and l am not blaming her cos we all make mistakes and take irrationally decision at some point. Now, the husband's strong hold is that he was slapped in public instead of the actual problem. In the actual sense wife was wronged and demeaned by husband n the girl but everyone is saying: oh you shouldn't have done this.

Divorce can only give her heartbreak and devastates the kids if they hv any.

Coguy since you are such a good Bible teacher, may l remind that the Bible says - A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands (Proverbs 14:1). 

We are all free to say what we want, in the end the decision as to what she wants is solely hers.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kallywana said:


> Coguy, you are free to express ur own opinion just as l am free to do so.


I'm freely expressing my disagreement with what you wrote, nothing more.

There is nothing harmless about this man's "friendship". Even if everything they talk about is above board and totally professional, the fact is he chose the "friend" over his wife's feelings. That makes it harmful. Also, seeking fulfillment out of your marriage is cheating no matter how many clothes stay on in the process. That being said, you'd have to be extremely naive to not see the writing on the wall in this case.

The biggest problem I have with your post is that it contains an underlying theme of appeasement. That she somehow brought this on herself through her actions or tone. That's exactly the opposite message a betrayed spouse should be hearing. Kitty did not cause her husband to act inappropriately, no matter how incorrectly she dealt with it. At the end of the day, her husband chose another woman (friend or not) over his wife. There is no blame she should take in that.

Divorce is painful and hard, and I always hope that people choose to reconcile before that. But I would choose divorce for every betrayed partner in a heartbeat before I would choose accepting a false remorse or a lifetime of appeasement or subserviance.

You can love someone unconditionally and still be divorced. I know, because I made that decision for my wife before I knew the outcome of our marriage. I had the peace of God knowing that whatever my decision, I was making it with the right attitude. However, if my wife elected to continue to treat me disrespectfully, I would not have continued with reconciling my marriage. The Bible calls us to love others, it does not call us to be emotionally abused.

We could spout Bible verses back and forth all day. She's justified in wanting to leave if that's what she chooses. In her case, it would be foolish to attempt to reconcile while her husband is still IN the affair and showing no signs of remorse (not even false remorse). To tell her to wait it out while her husband is on marriage vacation is the ultimate insult to her self-respect IMO. If her husband shows true remorse at a later time, then she can think about reconciliation, if that is what she desires. In this case, her marriage is already over, a reconciliation would be the formation of a new marriage.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

COguy said:


> I'm freely expressing my disagreement with what you wrote, nothing more.
> 
> There is nothing harmless about this man's "friendship". Even if everything they talk about is above board and totally professional, the fact is he chose the "friend" over his wife's feelings. That makes it harmful. Also, seeking fulfillment out of your marriage is cheating no matter how many clothes stay on in the process. That being said, you'd have to be extremely naive to not see the writing on the wall in this case.
> 
> ...


Coguy, she wants to safe her marriage. She has not mentioned that she wants to leave her husband rather he asked her to leave because of the drama outside their home and she did not not mention she wants a divorce. We are make mistake at some point. She wants to safe her marriage. 

My biggest issue with your post is that you are sounding very bitter and unforgiving. How would you feel when you wife give you a slap in public for whatever reason. A man is the head of the family and deserves some respect. That is why the husband sent her packing, she did not leave on her own. Like l said the issue is now appeasing him cos of the public assault.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Opps sorry wrong thread :/


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Hi I posted this in the spring and I'm glad it came up again because I took the advice of a TRBE and have him cum close the the back of my mouth I taste very little. Tthe texture - I make him drink lots t of water till he blows up like a puffer fish. :} the taste and texture is better if he is not dehydrated and he has not had certain vegetables and meats. I put him on a cum purification and sweetening diet.
> 
> Actually, my H did not insist it is something I wanted to do. This may be TMI so don't read if you are easily offended ........ a pulsating one is difficult to let go of.
> 
> ...


We have de-railed :smthumbup:


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kallywana said:


> Coguy, she wants to safe her marriage. She has not mentioned that she wants to leave her husband rather he asked her to leave because of the drama outside their home and she did not not mention she wants a divorce. We are make mistake at some point. She wants to safe her marriage.
> 
> My biggest issue with your post is that you are sounding very bitter and unforgiving. How would you feel when you wife give you a slap in public for whatever reason. A man is the head of the family and deserves some respect. That is why the husband sent her packing, she did not leave on her own. Like l said the issue is now appeasing him cos of the public assault.


Did you read her last few posts where she talks about moving on? Moving on because her husband is still telling her she's the one at fault?

I'm neither bitter nor unforgiving. My wife cheated on me and I forgave her and have a wonderful marriage now. I wish that for everyone. If you read my first post to her it was very encouraging to a reconciliation. However, her husband is not only uncaring and acting like a d-bag, he's still in the middle of his affair (or maybe was now that his girlfriend appears to be ending it). Her husband might have "sent her packing" because she was being unreasonable, but this is something she should have made him do when he started placing another woman in front of his wife.

If my wife slapped me in public, I'd be pissed. But if she told me to stop texting and going on dates with another girl, and I crapped on her feelings, then I would deserve it. You can see my first post where I mentioned I had a friend that I refused to stop communicating to when first married. To be honest, I needed to be slapped from my wife, I was being a jerk and deserved it. I wish my wife had the courage at that time to leave me so I would have realized how dumb I was being about it.

You can't reconcile with someone who still thinks they are in the right or in the fog of an affair. Her husband is both.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

COguy said:


> Did you read her last few posts where she talks about moving on? Moving on because her husband is still telling her she's the one at fault?
> 
> I'm neither bitter nor unforgiving. My wife cheated on me and I forgave her and have a wonderful marriage now. I wish that for everyone. If you read my first post to her it was very encouraging to a reconciliation. However, her husband is not only uncaring and acting like a d-bag, he's still in the middle of his affair (or maybe was now that his girlfriend appears to be ending it). Her husband might have "sent her packing" because she was being unreasonable, but this is something she should have made him do when he started placing another woman in front of his wife.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kallywana said:


> COguy said:
> 
> 
> > Did you read her last few posts where she talks about moving on? Moving on because her husband is still telling her she's the one at fault?
> ...


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

COguy said:


> I think that's a horrible way to go through life. Kitty is a wonderful woman deserving of respect and commitment. Why would she continue to "wait" for her husband while he is unfaithful, unloving, and uncaring of her needs. All people deserve to be in a relationship where there is mutual respect and care for the other's needs.
> 
> I do not believe God would want her to continue to be in an unhealthy, toxic relationship. Would you want your son or daughter to stick it out in her situation? God loves her, he wants the best for her. She isn't running out on her husband, her husband ran out on her. If her husband is TRULY remorseful (which he is not right now at all), and SHE decides to take him back, it will be from a place of strength and not obligation. Nowhere in the Bible does it show that we should be doormats for our spouses.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I agree with CoGUy. Your husband has cheated, disrespected you, and show you nothing but contempt while siding with the other woman, who has been verbally abusive to you.

The worst part of it all is that your lousy husband had you convinced for a while that you were to blame because you slapped him. Guess what - you took responsibility for your actions. He has not. 

You are so young - only 27. You have a whole life ahead of you. You don't need to stay in a marriage with a chronic cheater who is too selfish and immature to admit his failings and take steps to get his act together. Trust me, you do NOT want to have kids with a guy like that.

You are starting to see the light! I would encourage you to get some counseling for yourself to boost your self esteem. You deserve SO MUCH MORE than what your husband has been giving you. And I would also do the following:

1) Tell your husband that you have thought about his actions, and that YOU have decided that you are no longer interested in the marriage.
2) Tell him you are filing for D.
3) Tell him he is now free to have whatever type of relationship he wants with the 18 year old b!tch.
4) Cut off contact with him completely.

I would see a lawyer if you have any assets in common or any financial issues you need to sort out in a divorce. 

I can predict that if you do all of these things, your weasel of a husband will come crawling back to you. But I would not allow him back into your life unless he agrees to a year of therapy for himself, agrees to 100% transparency with email, cell phones, etc. and complete NO CONTACT with this coworker. I would also ask him to find another job. I doubt he will be willing to do these things, but a man who wants to save his marriage a fly right WOULD do all these things and more.

Congratulations on finding the strength and self confidence to realize you DO deserve more and that your HUSBAND is the problem.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> kallywana said:
> 
> 
> > I agree. It also seems that right now her husband thinks he's the one calling the shots... kicking her out and telling her that she can only return if she does as he wants... let's the affair continue in the light of day. :scratchhead:
> ...


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

ishe? said:


> The 180 from what I've read is a way of creating strength within yourself. Even if your H has not been unfaithful. If you are being treated badly soon the 180 will show your H that you will not accept this behaviour from him and are separating yourself from him. He will either see that he is wron and amend his ways or he will not. If he doesn't you are being strong and will be well on your way out of an abusive relationship.
> 
> If your H is physically abusive them I think you need professional advice on how to handle things
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No ,just verbally . Thanks.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Sorry I have been MIA, I moved up with my aunt. I haven't talked to him and have been trying to be as positive as I can. I'm trying to do the 180 to the best of my ability, thank you for posting it! It's very hard at times...like today I went shopping with my aunt and it just hit me because we used to do that every Christmas. 

I refuse to be a doormat and wait for him to be done with her, whatever is going on. And even if she was taken out of the equation, he is still treating me like garbage.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

I sent him a message telling him that I will be filing divorce papers. He's moving into his own apt. We have no assets to divide, as we rented and had our own vehicles in our own names. Money wise, when I left, I took half. He said I didn't deserve it because I didn't make as much as he did. 

Now, I understand I have done wrong in this situation by yelling and smacking him (which I apologized to him and everyone there for doing)...but I think that a man would do anything in his power to show his wife that he wasn't seeing someone, not continue to do this crap. He would do anything to get her to come back home and work things out. This is not happening.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> I sent him a message telling him that I will be filing divorce papers. He's moving into his own apt. We have no assets to divide, as we rented and had our own vehicles in our own names. Money wise, when I left, I took half. He said I didn't deserve it because I didn't make as much as he did.
> 
> Now, I understand I have done wrong in this situation by yelling and smacking him (which I apologized to him and everyone there for doing)...but I think that a man would do anything in his power to show his wife that he wasn't seeing someone, not continue to do this crap. He would do anything to get her to come back home and work things out. This is not happening.


Because he's a cheating d-bag. I'm so glad you are young and have your whole life ahead of you and no kids. You're going to get through this and end up better for it. You deserve a GOOD husband!


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Thank you! I know he isn't here to tell his side, but anyone that knows us will tell you that I was very, very good to him. And he was good to me in our marriage up until this stuff. I'll always give him credit for that. But this just isn't who I married anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> Thank you! I know he isn't here to tell his side, but anyone that knows us will tell you that I was very, very good to him. And he was good to me in our marriage up until this stuff. I'll always give him credit for that. But this just isn't who I married anymore.



From what you have said he's cheating and being disrespectful. That is enough. You are young. I'm glad to see that you have the strength to end the marriage. There's a chance that he will come back.. and if he does, do not take him back lightly.

Do you have an attorney? Or can you get someone to help you with the divorce papers? Since you have no children and no assets the divorce will be easy to draw up.

As for the money you took. He's wrong. You are married. You are entitled to 50% by law. 

Is your income a lot lower than his? Are you going to be ok financially? Do either of you have debt?


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

I have decided that when I do file, it will be a no-fault divorce and will be granted in 6 months since no children are involved. Yeah it's either I take the money or get the court to award it to me. Either way, it's mine. Yes, it is. He makes a good deal of money, while I have worked a retail job, as there have been no jobs for my degree in the area. I will be fine. I took a considerable amount of money and am staying with family until I am on my feet.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

ETA: Only debt I have is a student loan, owing a mere $600 or so on. So I am good with that! I made sure to manage money very well while married. I clipped coupons, I saved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In most states, if he earns a lot more than you do, you can get interim spousal support until your divorce if final. The amount varies accounding to state. 

If you live in California there is an on-line calculator you can use to find out how much it would be. I'm helping my brother who lives in Cali with his divorce so I've been working with that.

Here in New Mexico where I live, they will take our joint income, subtract your basic bills and then split the remainder between the two of you.

So if you need some help in getting by this could help you. It might also impress on him that a wife has rights. Something that he has yet to learn.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Is it bad that sometimes I wonder if I have overreacted? Like a small part of my brain asks, "What if?", that maybe he isn't doing anything. That maybe I am throwing away something good? I guess everyone in similar situations feels the same to an extent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> Is it bad that sometimes I wonder if I have overreacted? Like a small part of my brain asks, "What if?", that maybe he isn't doing anything. That maybe I am throwing away something good? I guess everyone in similar situations feels the same to an extent.


No it is not bad... we all second guess ourselves. It can actually be healthy in that it can prevent us from doing something too rash.

You need a list for these times when you are not sure. So that you remind yourself of what your boundaries are and what boundary he crossed.

He is having at least an EA if not a PA. This is clear because of several things.

He will not do what is necessary to protect your feelings and your marriage. The EA/PA is more important to him at this time then your marriage or you are.

Instead of taking care of you by getting rid of a relationship that is hurting you, he chose to kick you out of your marital home telling you that you cannot return until you accept his relationship with this girl.

The girl verbally abused you and stalked you on Facebook. But he did not choose to protect you and your marriage from that.

So what boundary did he cross? The boundary that you and his marriage are the first and most important things in his life. No one, nothing else can be more important. As your husband he is supposed to protect you and he has chosen not to.

If you give in right now and got back with him before he realizes that he cannot do this to you, your entire marriage will be a repeat of this episode. Is this what you want? I don’t think so. 

If you follow the 180 & pursue a divorce to protect yourself it will show him that you are serious and that you have strong boundaries about the way you will allow yourself to be treated.

He might decide that he does not want to be married to you because he wants a wife who will take care of him, let him cheat and run around, and let him abuse her.

Or he will decided that he does love you, man-up, and do what a man does to keep a wife… treat her will with a lot of love and respect.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

It's normal to feel that way. So what if you overreacted? It happens, what should not happen is what he's doing/ refusing to stop seeing her, right? / But after all if you continue to feel this way may be you shouldn't be filing. IMO you should have no doubts when making that decision. If you decide not to file,that doesn't mean you shouldn't stick to your guns.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EleGirl nailed it!!

Could not agree more. You're doing the right thing. Not that I would wish divorce on anyone, but you can not stay in a marriage where your husband puts another woman before you, even if they are "just friends" (though in this case I can tell you they are not).

I hope that God makes a way for you both to reconcile, but at the end your husband must choose his path, and for now he has decided it does not lead to you.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

No, I am not planning on going back. He's allowed her to disrespect me beyond the limits...and he has done more than his fair share of it as well.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> No, I am not planning on going back. He's allowed her to disrespect me beyond the limits...and he has done more than his fair share of it as well.


My heart goes out to you right now. I'm sorry it came to this. I hope you can get some peace from knowing that you stood up for yourself and that your life will ultimately be better for it.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Yeah the fact that she is publicly calling me a psycho ***** and hoping I drop dead speaks volumes of her character. There's no bright future for her.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Do you really want to be with a man who doesnt stick up for you. Shes a friend so he says then why is he so understanding of her feelings. Personally i wouldnt go back to him until he gets rid of her chances are that he might not and if he doesnt then trust me you done the right thing by calling it a day. I dont see why you should crave the attention that he is giving to a complete stranger. Another thing is that you had every right to lose your temper (not the slap) but the yelling was total understandable the camera wasnt his to give it was your property. I think you should find someone that will respect you and tell other women to do 1 if they are going to disrespect you.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

No, I sure don't. He says he isn't defending her, he is defending himself and that he's depressed. He told me on my birthday that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. We had no problems prior to this situation and he never, ever mentioned that before. So why all of a sudden the change? Says he doesn't like not being trusted.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

We started arguing in July and that was August when he told me that.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Sorry to say this but i think he has grown feelings for this other woman hence the reason that he is saying this to you. Do yourself a favour and move on with your life you deserve to be no1 not 2nd best to a "friend". Personaly i think he is making excuses with the trust issue and the depression which he is wrong for doing, if he cant stick up for his wife what kind of man does that make him. I know you want to save your marriage but letting another woman humiliate you is out of the question walk away sooner or later he will realise what he has lost and if you want him back take him back on the condition that he is not to have contact with this woman and not to get to friendly with anyone else choice is yours his playing you for a fool you dont deserve that.Good luck


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Thank you. I needed to hear everything all of you said. You guys are far wiser than I am! I still have not spoken to him. Doing the 180 as suggested...it's getting easier by the day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> Thank you. I needed to hear everything all of you said. You guys are far wiser than I am! I still have not spoken to him. Doing the 180 as suggested...it's getting easier by the day.


Good, I'm glad you are doing the 180! It does build strength.

If there is ever a chance of the two of you working it out, it will have to be your husband who makes the first move. The you will be strong enough to law down the conditions under which you would even consider taking him back. But if it never gets to taht, you will be strong enough to move on with your life.

I have a question about the camera. Did he give it to the girl as a gift or only so that she could borrow it? Does she still have it?


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Thanks! I don't see him coming around. He said that he let her borrow it so she could try it out. It's a DSLR; still she could have went to a store and tried one out to see if she liked it. I have the camera in my possession now. 

Said it wasn't a big deal- if it wasn't, he would have told me he was going to let her borrow it in the first place. He said that I let a camera ruin our marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> Thanks! I don't see him coming around. He said that he let her borrow it so she could try it out. It's a DSLR; still she could have went to a store and tried one out to see if she liked it. I have the camera in my possession now. He said that I let a camera ruin our marriage.


LOL... let a camera ruin your marriage. No he ruined it by putting some girl before you. You hand in there. If he does come around and you stick to your guns, you will have a much stronger marriage. If not you will have learned some very important things for future relationships. Just think of it as the high cost of tuition. Some lessons have a high price.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

I see that I did what any other woman would have done in the same situation, except I was a lot less violent, lol. I think any other lady would have done much, much worse. 

Oh yes. I want someone that will stick up for me and stick by me, no matter if I'm right or wrong. That's love.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Yes i think you're right about that.:smthumbup:


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## Winrey (Dec 10, 2011)

After being married for almost ten years and while pregnant with my second child, my husband began a relationship with a woman he claimed was just a friend. He withdrew physically and emotionally and told me it was my fault. I threw quite a few fits over it, but he said he had a right to have a female friend. This friendship turned into a sexual relationship, but my husband left me long before he started having sex with her. When a spouse pulls away to secure a new friendship with a female friend instead of focusing on one's marriage, this is a problem. There is no grey in this issue. If you had a male friend who had treated your husband the way this woman has treated you, I doubt he would take it any better. You deserve better, regardless of the mistakes you made in the process. It takes two to make the marriage work. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I hope you take care of yourself.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Oh wow, Winrey, so sorry to hear that. That is absolutely terrible  You are exactly right. I told him this was only black and white and, like everything else I have said, nothing penetrates his thick skull. He just doesn't want to hear it. I hope that you are doing ok, sweetie.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Just to give everyone an update: I still have not spoken with him and he didn't even have the decency to call me over the holidays. So as soon as I am back in town, I am filing for d. This girl did message me on fb and wanted me to block her- she told me that he had been telling her he didn't have a choice in meeting up with me and that he had came up to where I was staying over a month ago just to see the cat and he "fell asleep" and that's why he spent the night. I told her she was young, but she wasn't born yesterday. She told me what I needed to know without telling me. He has been discussing our marriage with her and that literally makes me sick to my stomach. 

So I hope he is happy with his new apt, new car, and new life, because mine isn't going to have a disgusting liar in it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Hope you don't mind a little bluntness. He's either having an affair or doing something that is grossly inappropriate, and when you point this out, he starts messing with your mind and blaming you. Maybe he wants out, but he should say that, instead of saying, many married men are involved with single women. 

Look


kitty0819 said:


> Hello there-
> I am 27, my husband and I are separated, but working on getting back together. It started when I noticed that a girl was getting too close to him and it made me uncomfortable, so I asked him to stop talking to her (but I did so in a yelling way, which I am regretful). He began texting her and gave her a ride home, lent her an expensive camera, and took her to the movies. I did yell at him at lot and accuse him of seeing her because he began staying out late and didn't make me believe any different with his actions- his behavior totally changed. I could not take anymore the day I found out he let her borrow my camera, so I smacked him. That day he told me to pack my stuff. So I went to my parents. This girl began copying some of my photography shots and even made a fake account to spy on my photos. When I said that she was copying me, she said I should kill myself. My husband is still friends with her and won't stop even after I asked him and believe it is our issue.
> He says our issue is trust and that he should be able to be friends with anyone- my problem is just with this one. I can tell when other women like my husband and this one does. I have no problem with any of his other female friends.
> I want to work this out, but I feel like it can't fully begin with her still in the picture. He says she is just a friend and has maintained that.
> We both screwed up- I yelled and accused and he just kept on with her. But this is fixable. He says that he doesn't want me home until we work things out, but it's so hard when you've been together for 10 years. Thoughts?


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Well, in my state, you have to be separated for 6 months before you can file. So I have to wait until April. It feels like I'm dragging around a dead weight. I think they are full blown relationship now. It sickens me.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

My stbx husband used to tell me a girl he met online was "just a friend" "our problems had nothing to do with her" 

Yea...he was cheating on me with her. If he's not willing to do everything to save your marriage, he doesn't want to be married to you. Find someone who will truly love you. I know it's tough, but trust me...you will be happier without him. I'm happy again


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Oh I fully intend on it! But I want to be respectful and be the adult here and wait until at least after I file for divorce. 

Funny, he didn't know if he wanted to be married or not, but he sure knew he wanted a girlfriend. 

I'm getting better by the day...but I just wish I could get rid of him asap.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> Oh I fully intend on it! But I want to be respectful and be the adult here and wait until at least after I file for divorce.
> 
> Funny, he didn't know if he wanted to be married or not, but he sure knew he wanted a girlfriend.
> 
> I'm getting better by the day...but I just wish I could get rid of him asap.


What state are you in? Almost every state has a provision for divorce when there's infidelity.

PS glad you are doing better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I remained as respectful as I could, because I know what goes around, comes around! He had to find that out the hard way though...funny story about him getting arrested, etc. Be patient, good things come to those of us that wait!


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

VA...for infidelity accusations, you have to have proof of penetration from what I understand. VA is a ballbuster when it comes to anything legal.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Lola, I would love to hear any karma stories you may have! Because I am waiting for this to come back around. It's sure building up my patience.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> VA...for infidelity accusations, you have to have proof of penetration from what I understand. VA is a ballbuster when it comes to anything legal.


Here's what I found:
Virginia Divorce Requirements

Got any circumstantial evidence? The texts, dates, etc don't paint a pretty picture.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Everything I have is vague and no names are mentioned. He still does not admit to having a girlfriend. He feels no remorse whatsoever. I'm having a hard time not being angry right now.


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## peter28 (Jan 20, 2012)

You have two problems that they are jealousy and trust. You should do something. Any girl can get your husband. You are most beatifull for husband. But communicate with him and you need to know some techniques. check http://www.thesavingmarriages.com


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Peter, I don't think I'm the one with the problem, lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> Peter, I don't think I'm the one with the problem, lol.


:iagree:


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Pretty sure Peter is a spammer.

How are you doing Kitty?


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

I'm doing ok, but just found out today that my brother passed away.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

kitty0819 said:


> I'm doing ok, but just found out today that my brother passed away.


Aww, I'm very sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what that's like.


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## kitty0819 (Dec 2, 2011)

Just wanted to update everyone on my current situation. I filed for divorce back in April and am going to take depositions and file the final divorce decree tomorrow. 

I still have days that feel like a thousand knives are digging into my heart, but have come such a long way thanks to counseling, friends, and family. I also started working, which helps me to socialize, and am doing photography, art, and graphic design again. I miss the companionship so much, but I am better off alone than miserable. 

As for him. I don't talk to him anymore. He sent me a text and told me that he got the papers and that he didn't want to me to hate him anymore, that we both had our heads up our asses for a while. He also said that he wanted things to go smoothly since he had caused so much of my time to be ****ty. I guess he's just trying to make himself feel less guilty. But as far as I know, he is still with this girl. I find it sickening. She's still a teenager and he's nearing 30.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Well Kitty - this is what i think - 18 yo girls change dramatically year by year. Right now she if playing a game and enjoying the drama of getting a married man to leave his wife.

When she has him to herself and the drama subsides, she is left with a rather foolish 30 yr old man who is love sick and is likely to try to control her. 

When she is ready to move on, you husband will realize that he has been used. 

My suggestion is that you should not supply them with any more drama. Dont give them the pleasure of a show. Let them depend on each other for the excitement that is driving this relationship. Cut off all contact and communicate with him as little as possible. 

Make sure that the divorce is as smooth as possible and don't be drawn into drama. Let your lawyer handle him. Try to avoid being present at the divorce. I think that you will see that your husband will try to keep the drama going. Don't let him draw you in. 

Then watch the show unfold. When it ends your husband may try to re-establish contact with you. What you do is up to you but I hope that you will have moved on. He is likely to cheat again in the future. Let him sink on his own.


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