# Affaircare help!!



## silk-butterfly (Apr 10, 2010)

Hi Affaircare.

I really don`t know where to start so please bare with me. I have read your articles and want to tell you I am at the `I feel I am going to die stage`. I am so tired and exhausted of pushing through:into the third year of total emotional abandonment,six months into proving an affair and five months into my divorce. The darkness still prevails BUT I have glimpses and sometimes feelings of light at the end of the tunnel but the darkness always swallows it up.

My ex still helps me at work(I thought I was strong enough to do deal with this but then he goes and uses his girlfriends name by mistake while mentioning someone else:scratchhead:

I have no idea if the affair(NOT AN AFFAIR ANYMORE) is going on anymore but it has got me wondering again.(was he just talking to her or can`t he stop thinking about her and such)As I don`t have anything to fall back on as I had no answers to anything this kind of wondering is killing me.I try to get answers with no way of getting any. I am at a loss and need a a way out.It`s become a vicious circle. Please please help.

This is an open letter to Affaircare but any other input into my predicament will be appreciated


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey silk-butterfly! 

Let me first say thank you for reaching out and asking for me by name. I have to admit, I think it's the first time I saw my user name in a thread title!  

So let's see how I can help. You wrote: 


> ... I really don`t know where to start so please bare with me. I have read your articles and want to tell you I am at the `I feel I am going to die stage`. I am so tired and exhausted of pushing through:into the third year of total emotional abandonment,six months into proving an affair and five months into my divorce. The darkness still prevails BUT I have glimpses and sometimes feelings of light at the end of the tunnel but the darkness always swallows it up.


Actually I hope you don't mind but I'm a little confused. Is your divorce final? Has it been 6 months since you discovered the affair and then 5 months since divorce was FILED? Or was it finalized by the court 5 months ago? If so did he file before you knew their was an affair? Since the timeline is a little unclear here, would you mind telling me what happened in close to chronological order?

Then you wrote: 


> ... My ex still helps me at work(I thought I was strong enough to do deal with this) but then he goes and uses his girlfriends name by mistake while mentioning someone else:scratchhead:


If you and your ex are divorced, I would suggest having no contact with him just so you have a chance to heal. Having him help you at work just keeps you entangled with him, and keeps him entangled with you. I'm guessing that you and he have a business together or something, but I'm not sure, so again, would you mind filling in some of the details? 


Finally, you wrote: 


> ... I have no idea if the affair(NOT AN AFFAIR ANYMORE) is going on anymore but it has got me wondering again.(was he just talking to her or can`t he stop thinking about her and such)As I don`t have anything to fall back on as I had no answers to anything this kind of wondering is killing me.I try to get answers with no way of getting any. I am at a loss and need a a way out.It`s become a vicious circle. Please please help.


Again, I'm not positive about whether you're still married or divorced or what...but if you are divorced, then that means he is effectively free to do what he wants with who he wants. I would suggest that you stop thinking about him and wondering about what he's doing (or with who) and instead think of other things that are beneficial to you. For example, one thing I did right after my divorce when I felt pretty low and unlovable, I told a whole package of Post-It notes and wrote positive things about me...then I posted them all over my house so I could read something positive everywhere I went. When my mind wandered to him, I'd look up and read five Post-It notes. This helped me think of how cool I am rather and helped me to dis-entangle from my exH. 

Soooo...if you wouldn't mind answer my questions about what happened, when, in what order, and the stuff about work--it would REALLY be helpful! Thank you!


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Hey silk-butterfly!
> 
> Let me first say thank you for reaching out and asking for me by name. I have to admit, I think it's the first time I saw my user name in a thread title!
> 
> ...


Great advice, affaircare.

Thanks for the insight and wisdom.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Affaircare said:


> For example, one thing I did right after my divorce when I felt pretty low and unlovable, I told a whole package of Post-It notes and wrote positive things about me...then I posted them all over my house so I could read something positive everywhere I went. When my mind wandered to him, I'd look up and read five Post-It notes. This helped me think of how cool I am rather and helped me to dis-entangle from my exH.


Nice idea, Affaircare! Right after my divorce, I took an idea from a book I was reading, Simple Abundance, to frame a childhood picture of myself. 

I kept it on my nightstand and it allowed me to think back at those times of innocence and my dreams of the future & really think about putting those dreams into action


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

swedish said:


> Nice idea, Affaircare! Right after my divorce, I took an idea from a book I was reading, Simple Abundance, to frame a childhood picture of myself.
> 
> I kept it on my nightstand and it allowed me to think back at those times of innocence and my dreams of the future & really think about putting those dreams into action


I love all these ideas, they're great. I find that not only writing things out is wonderful, but I like the idea of posting them all over the house or a visual representation. Also, something I've done is repeated affirmations targeted at the lie I want to combat. I've also used CDs and visual affirmations to help in this area, too.

Isn't it great that we don't have to believe all the garbage others say about us? There is something we can do...and we're doing it. Encouraging, thx, all!


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