# Forgive me?



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

After 20 + years I cheated with a Russian gymnast 
30 years younger, for months. I confessed 16 months ago. How do I get her to forgive me?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

You do whatever she needs you to do. You be as open and transparent as she says you have to be. You answer her questions, even if she asks you the same question a 100 times over. You let her yell and scream. You hold her and let her cry when she needs it. You be attentive to her every need. You show true remorse and true regret. Even then, she may not forgive you but that's a good start.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Thats great advice above. I agree with all of it.

I'd like to add one thing that would have helped me more. I wish my wife had volentered more details than she did. I had to ask and ask and most of the time show her proof before she would admit to any part of the story.

I think it all came out in the end.....see....I think. I never will trust her story 100% because I had to drag it all out of her. She never did understand that I really needed to know the details to put all the F'ed up images out of my head (the ones that did not happen).

So I say....tell her some things she does not know. That may help her build trust for you again one day.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i think i asked too much details!! and now they swim around my head, but sickenly i still want to know more! why is that? im not going to ask any more, because i know they will only add to my thoughts, and i really dont need anymore! 

you need to show her that its her you want above anyone else and treat her with nothing but love and respect


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Many DS fail to answer the LS of 'Why did you do it?' Do you know why you did it and can convey that to her? If you don't then you should seriously consider going to IC (individual counseling) to find out why, otherwise there is the risk that the unanswered question will come back to bite you with another affair later on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to be totally honest w/ her, transparent, ask for forgiveness, ask her what she needs from you in order to make her feel better, what you can do to help, couples counselling if she wants it, and you need to be contrite, absolutely. Have you asked for forgiveness and told her you understand the gravity of what you did?



honeybum said:


> i think i asked too much details!! and now they swim around my head, but sickenly i still want to know more! why is that?


I did the same, Honey. I *had* to know every single detail and so wish I didn't know and hadn't asked.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Be completely honest. Be patient. NEVER get the idea that she's punishing you by bringing it up all the time. If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd realize that it's all she can think about, regardless of your feelings of shame and guilt.

Do whatever you can to make it up to her, and hope she never does it back to you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

oaksthorne said:


> After 20 + years I cheated with a Russian gymnast 30 years younger, for months.


Curious... Why do you mention that she was a russian gymnast? and she was 30 years younger than you and you "did" her for months... of all the billions of details and feelings you could have shared in your "quest" for forgiveness those are the things that popped into your head as important things to mention?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Curious... Why do you mention that she was a russian gymnast? and she was 30 years younger than you and you "did" her for months... of all the billions of details and feelings you could have shared in your "quest" for forgiveness those are the things that popped into your head as important things to mention?



The post you are responding to was posted by my H ( he asked if I minded first and he knows that I am answering you). The reason he mentioned those things is because they are what knocked me on my butt. They were what bothered me the most, I am older, not athletic; she was young enough to be my daughter, and he at first lied about the time frame. I was destroyed and humiliated. He never thought of how these factors would affect me before D-day. Now that he can see it through my eyes, he is very disappointed in himself. He isn't bragging here, this is a mia culpa.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

HHHhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm.


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