# My in-laws are trying to ruin my marriage



## readytogiveup (Apr 8, 2013)

I have known my husband for about 4 years. We have lived together for about 3 years. We got married last year. 

His family is ruining our marriage. One of his brothers and an ex-sister-in-law warned me about the family ruining each of their marriages. 

His 80-year-old mother lives with us. People think she is a sweet little old lady. Those people do not live with her. Many of my things have come up missing. This is especially true when it comes to laundry. It disappears from the dryer. She leaves debris on the dishes and tries to compete with me to wash them. usually I just let her wash them and then pull them back out and rewash them. Basically, she rinses things - like you would if you were putting them in a dishwasher. She puts them away in the cabinet. 

When I tell my husband, he is afraid to say anything to her because she is nearing the end of her life, and besides, she won't change. 

When she has made horrible remarks about me, he has told her that it is uncalled for, but then she just flies off the handle even more. Essentially, if you ask her anything about what she is doing, or if you ask her to let someone else do it, or ask her not to do it. For example we have asked her to please let us wash the towels because she refuses to use anything but cold water and because she basically balls the towels up and puts them in the closet that way. Many times, we have found dirty stiff towels balled up with everything falling out at you in the closet.

She is also an extreme hoarder. There is a path to her bed. It is half covered over and the rest of the room is piled at the very least 4 ft high - no exaggeration! I have cleaned up most of the mess in the rest of the house, but when I make a nice clear space things appear from nowhere to take up the space. She never throws things away, not even from the fridge. It is all I can do to deal with this, but on top of it she is just plain nasty to me most of the time.

She is very manipulative and sneaky, and acts very emotionally unstable. When there was a water leak, I proposed that it might be leaking at the connection for the washer and I asked my husband if he would look. For some reason, she did not like the idea that it might be a simple problem with a simple solution, so she jumped up on the washing machine, screamed that she couldn't see, and proceeded all by her 79 year-old-self, to move out the dryer and the washer from the wall (it is kind of like a laundry closet that they are in, so they are basically enclosed where they are.) In the process she torn apart the dryer vent connection, made lots of work for others, filled the washer up with water while it was unlevel (1/2 in difference in the laundry closet and the kitchen floors) and then went to bed. As it turns out, I was right, and the connection would have only needed to be re-tightened until she tore everything up.

While we were out of town, she moved his unemployed brother into our house. 

Two years later, he still lives here for free, does not work and has posed as my husband to commandeer control of our home internet service. He has had temper tantrums, broken things and called me a f-ing b on several occasions. Oh, and did I mention he is almost 50 years old? 

He has one other living brother who is very nice to me. So is the rest of this brother's family.

He has a brother who is deceased and that brother has two children. They are nasty to me as well. 

Until very recently my husband thought I was being overly sensitive and imagining things. His 23 yr old niece and 25 yr old nephew posted filth on my 18 yr old daughter's facebook page slandering both of us because I posted something from Yahoo and they decided to interpret it as a criticism of their friend, my daughter's ex-boyfriend. My husband read it because I copied it into an email before it was deleted. My husband is no longer on speaking terms with the nephew because he is a violent alcoholic, but when he confronted his niece, she lied and claimed I had made nasty remarks to her. When he told her that he knew I had not because he had read what was posted and that she owed me an apology, she then said he was confused, that I had my claws in him and that he had changed. She repeated something said in an argument between me and my husband that his mother must have overheard and repeated. 

So... He now realizes that his mother IS talking about me behind my back and trying to turn the family against me, and his niece and nephew are only too happy to oblige her.

So what is the motive? I had treated my husband well. He has Parkinson's and let a lot of things go. Nobody in his family would help him. 

He retired early from his job before being diagnosed with PD. He thought he was dying. As he was unmarried and had no children of his own, he set it up at the cost of about $400 a month for his pension to go to aforementioned niece and nephew. This would give them each about $800 a month. Then he had a 1/4 million life insurance with 1/2 to his mother, and 1/4 to the niece and nephew. It cost another $150/month. They knew he had these things in their names. Do you think that any of them could help him with anything? Nope. He had been very depressed and suicidal at times before we met.

I filed for him for Social Security, I helped him straighten out some financial problems that resulted from the loss of income from retirement, and the inaction on these matters due to depression and the progression of the disease.

Last fall, he went to the Mayo clinic and the neurologist gave him a different kind of medical regimen, and told him he should still have many years with a reasonably decent quality of life (considering the PD). When he told his mother this, her response in a catty tone was, "Well I guess you'll outlive me after all."

None of them manages their money. They have used him for years. While I did not put a complete stop to them using him, my presence has drastically curtailed it. 

A friend of the nephew's told my daughter that they don't like me because they think I'm out to get his money. He is not rich by any means. As far as I can see, what they think they are being deprived of is the free money they have been waiting patiently for upon his death. 

The big $$ life insurance policy?? Well, I discovered that since he is disabled he is no longer required to pay the premium, we contacted his agent. He is no longer paying $150/month, the insurance co is picking u the tab and they issued him a check for $7300 back to his diagnosis for the premiums he paid. 

When I mentioned something about the paperwork the insurance company was sending, his mother declared that he was changing beneficiaries. I told her it was because he was no longer required to pay for the insurance. (But, he did change beneficiaries.)

So it appears to me that all their objections stem from the fact that they feel they are losing their gravy train - he no longer gives them hundreds or thousands of dollars and they wont get any share of his estate, insurance or pension.

So, aside from venting, and I could fill a book if I continued, I am wondering what thoughts others have. I love my husband, and he loves me. He has a hard time with his family doing this, and remember he has PD, and stress is much harder to handle, so he does not always say or do much about it, BUT his family and their caustic, vitriolic actions are creating problems, and I find it hard to turn the other cheek, especially since 2 of the 4 live under the same roof. And whether it is from a 23, 25, 50, or 80 year old, there is so much melodrama.

Should I try to run them off? Should I suffer in silence and let them stampede all over our happiness? I want to end the drama.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wow! That must be miserable. There's probably not much you can do with your MIL at this point. Could she afford to live in an assisted living facility?

As for the BIL, your husband needs to give him a deadline to move out. Are the niece and nephew still receiving money from your husband's retirement? If so, he needs to put an end to that. They are ungrateful trouble makers.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Forget the petty issues like ungrateful nephews or nasty Facebook comments. The *real* problem is two unwanted people living in your home. 

The mother and brother simply need to move out. If the mother can't live alone, then the brother can go live with her, but somewhere else.

Find another place for mom and give the brother a deadline to move out. Meanwhile, at an absolute minimum, cut off his internet service (if it's wi-fi, put a password on it). No reason you should be paying for that at all. If he needs it for job hunting, he can go to the library and use theirs.

I believe very strongly that family members should help each other, but it's a two-way street. Mom's hoarding is bad enough, but I can't imagine letting my brother continue to live in my home after he calls my wife a "f-ing b". If they use the "family is family" excuse, then how about moving YOUR mother and brother into the house as well, to keep them company? See how they like it.


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## swtluna (Mar 8, 2013)

I agree with Theseus... find them an apartment or house to rent..and move them in together.. and sweetie..if you dont.. then resentment is going to fly towards your husband because he wont help you or do anything about it..that will end your marriage not the In laws...


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