# How does a man tell a stranger his wife is cheating



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Hi all, 

My neighbor down the street wants to tell a guy he doesn't know about seeing his wife making out with another guy. 

At first, he didn't want to get involved. He was drinking when he told me and a couple other people at a Labor Day party. He had been drinking and was on a huge rant about what he saw. 

I guess the husband has been busting his tail working while his wife is cheating and living the high-life and spending money on her new boyfriend. 

I told him to find out where he works and send a note. 

For those of you who agree with telling a stranger, what do you say/write to a stranger?

For those of you who think he should let it go and not tell him, what are your reasons?

At first I said it would be the right thing to do to tell him and then I started to change my mind and told him to not do it or to think about it. 

He seems uncomfortable as a man telling another man. Like he doesn't want to crush a fellow man. ?? 

Make sense? I'm tired so kind of rambly.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

^^ he lives down the street from me but we also went to high school together. ^^

The wife went to our HS too but I don't know her. Her unsuspecting husband is a lawyer. If that matters. ???


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Just tell him


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Since he is getting drunk and blabbing about it to neighbors he should tell the guy, but do it in person. I think doing stuff like this anonymously is too easily discredited. Or worse the BH confronts based on something that is easy to deny and WW takes it underground.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your neighbor know the name of the OM?

Even though he saw the wife out with another man, does he really have evidence besides "I saw your wife at a bar kissing some guy?"

Too bad he did not take a picture.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Perhaps you might want to tell the wife (via a note, anonymous) that you have been seen either her boyfriend and that her husband will notified if she does not tell him the complete truth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While you assume that her husband is working hard to support her while she's cheating.. keep in mind that he might be cheating too.

Do you or your neighbor know who the OM is? Is he a married guy?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Since he is getting drunk and blabbing about it to neighbors he should tell the guy, but do it in person. I think doing stuff like this anonymously is too easily discredited. Or worse the BH confronts based on something that is easy to deny and WW takes it underground.


I'll never understand that anonymous crap either. Do it like a man (or woman) or don't do it at all. I just don't see the downside to telling the truth. The way I see it is when (if) others find out that you signed your name to it, the you'll gain a lot of respect from those that have the same values as yours. And the ones you get sh!t from?....well, then you know who you should surgically remove from your life.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I have been in this situation and I have to say that its a tough call. It would be easier if it were a close friend or family member. I know my neighbors wife is cheating on him. His wife told me without really telling me. She came up to me when I was outside all concerned about what I saw her doing at a popular happy hour spot. The funny thing is I didn't see her at all. It was during march madness so I was probably looking at TV directly above her She literally said over and over again that the guy was just a friend. I repeatedly said I didn't see anything, yet she still seemed very concerned. Later I found out that she came by the house and asked my wife if I saw anything. My wife had no idea what she was talking about because I hadn't told her.

I get it. Most say we would say something. But would we really? How many of us have seen co-workers and acquaintances fool around and yet remain silent? When I see my neighbor the guy looks so happy. I just can't bring myself to ruin his life. 

With that said its really screwed up that he has told everyone but the husband. Its like he is ridiculing the guy and making the situation worse.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Take a picture. Shouldn't be hard if she is so stupid to be making out with her AP where people can witness it.

I am good face to face so I would deliver the picture in person and tell him sorry but I would want to know if it was me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I have been in this situation and I have to say that its a tough call. It would be easier if it were a close friend or family member. I know my neighbors wife is cheating on him. His wife told me without really telling me. She came up to me when I was outside all concerned about what I saw her doing at a popular happy hour spot. The funny thing is I didn't see her at all. It was during march madness so I was probably looking at TV directly above her She literally said over and over again that the guy was just a friend. I repeatedly said I didn't see anything, yet she still seemed very concerned. Later I found out that she came by the house and asked my wife if I saw anything. My wife had no idea what she was talking about because I hadn't told her.
> 
> I get it. Most say we would say something. But would we really? How many of us have seen co-workers and acquaintances fool around and yet remain silent? When I see my neighbor the guy looks so happy. I just can't bring myself to ruin his life.
> 
> With that said its really screwed up that he has told everyone but the husband. Its like he is ridiculing the guy and making the situation worse.


I guess it's how your wired. I don't have a problem with it but I'm comfortable with confrontations of all kinds.

I have caught quite a few and either convinced them to tell and fix it or I just outed them.

I have a reputation as an honest man so even those that don't really know me find a wall if they try and call me a liar.

I almost got a man fired for his attack on my character in a similar situation and he was working for a company that did business with mine.

If people don't want to out some cheater that is their business but I just always think about what if it was me?

I would really want to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I guess it's how your wired. I don't have a problem with it but I'm comfortable with confrontations of all kinds.
> 
> I have caught quite a few and either convinced them to tell and fix it or I just outed them.
> 
> ...


I agree with ConanHub, I would want to know. Advise the neighbor to go tell him. Or better yet, tell him to confront her and tell her what he saw, with the caveat that she must end the A now or he tells the H.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He will explain who he is and does not care if the wife finds out but he doesn't know anything about her husband. 

Yes, the husband could be a total dirtbag or cheating himself. 

I think it's more (to him) about not knowing the husband and getting into someone's business he doesn't know. I think it's also about not liking the wife. 

No picture or evidence of any kind that I know of.

I have been in the same situation and I knew my girlfriend was cheating with her very good friend's husband. I know neither the OM or his wife but I know their names. I did not say anything to the unsuspecting wife. They live in another state. I just felt because they both are total strangers, it would be weird and I probably wouldn't have any credibility. 

So, as much as I would want to know myself, when I had my chance to tell a stranger, I did not. ONLY because they were strangers to me. 

That's what I ended up telling my neighbor. (My situation).


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> I agree with ConanHub, I would want to know. Advise the neighbor to go tell him. Or better yet, tell him to confront her and tell her what he saw, with the caveat that she must end the A now or he tells the H.


The one drawback about blackmailing the wife is she then has time to hide evidence, make up lies, go underground........

Yes?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I have been in this situation and I have to say that its a tough call. It would be easier if it were a close friend or family member. I know my neighbors wife is cheating on him. His wife told me without really telling me. She came up to me when I was outside all concerned about what I saw her doing at a popular happy hour spot. The funny thing is I didn't see her at all. It was during march madness so I was probably looking at TV directly above her She literally said over and over again that the guy was just a friend. I repeatedly said I didn't see anything, yet she still seemed very concerned. Later I found out that she came by the house and asked my wife if I saw anything. My wife had no idea what she was talking about because I hadn't told her.
> 
> I get it. Most say we would say something. But would we really? How many of us have seen co-workers and acquaintances fool around and yet remain silent? When I see my neighbor the guy looks so happy. I just can't bring myself to ruin his life.
> 
> With that said its really screwed up that he has told everyone but the husband. Its like he is ridiculing the guy and making the situation worse.



As far as I know, he has only told myself and one other person. He knows the city they live in but not where the husband works.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> While you assume that her husband is working hard to support her while she's cheating.. keep in mind that he might be cheating too.
> 
> Do you or your neighbor know who the OM is? Is he a married guy?


No, he didn't know the OM. Could be a LTA or a bar hookup. It was at a bowling alley bar.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rugs said:


> No, he didn't know the OM. Could be a LTA or a bar hookup. It was at a bowling alley bar.


People who go to bowling allies tend to be repeat customers. I wonder if your neighbor could go back on the same night of the week.... if they are there, he could get a picture without them even knowing it.

Evidence is crucial when telling someone that their spouse is cheating.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Tell him. Just put yourself in that situation and there is your answer.

Every husband or wife should know the truth.

Tell the poor man,he deserve it,and what he does next is not your problem anymore.
Maybe they can work it out or maybe they will divorce,but he need to know.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I'd say advise your neighbor to tell the husband respectfully probably over the phone with a message that is not alarming but along the lines of "I don't know if you are aware, but your wife has been seen in public making out with another guy." Some people already know.  Some have accepted this sort of thing in their marriages. I know one guy (guy 1) who got in the face of another guy (guy 2) at the birthday party of one of guy 2's children and was pretty indelicate about the message. It lead to fisticuffs. Guy 2 knew and didn't really want to talk about it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Rugs

Have your friend call the husband and ask if they are in an open marriage?

Then tell him what he saw, with whom and wish him luck.

HM


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> Rugs
> 
> Have your friend call the husband and ask if they are in an open marriage?
> 
> ...


I agree with this. Up front and to the point is the best approach in this situation. I wish someone would have told me that way.

WD


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## Mrtruth (Aug 20, 2015)

Wow elegirl did you really try and turn this into the guy may be cheating. Really? Why don't you just say the guy is beating her, killed her puppy and stole 47 million dollars and killed JFK!!!

Seriously why even comment on that? Wow ! The poster came on asking if they should tell on the wife and you tell them to wonder if the husband is cheating? What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Don't tell if he is because it is OK if he is?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I would say to tell him his wife is cheating. State what you saw, where, and when. Whatever her husband decides to do with the information is his business. If he doesn't know the husband then google lawyers in the town he works, or search through county property tax records as they are public knowledge. 

I would advise to do this face to face, but that is my preference. I would offer him my phone number so after he confronts his wife he can ask questions if she denies it. Getting a photo of them together could be anything unless they are in a sexual act or kissing. Just my opinion as I would want to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Nope, face to face is for people I actually know and understand their demeanor. I've seen enough kill the messenger type fights, I'd be quite alright with a phone call or email with proof.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Dissenting opinion: I'd not say anything. The information is second hand and possibly of doubtful truthfulness. It could end up blowing up a marriage where nothing was really wrong.

If the guy who says he saw what was going on wants to tell the BH, that's on him and what happens is his responsibility. It is really none of your business. And it would be best if your friend would stop spreading stories.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Dissenting opinion: I'd not say anything. The information is second hand and possibly of doubtful truthfulness. It could end up blowing up a marriage where nothing was really wrong.
> 
> If the guy who says he saw what was going on wants to tell the BH, that's on him and what happens is his responsibility. It is really none of your business. And it would be best if your friend would stop spreading stories.


You would be right but this is about the guy who actually saw the wife making out with her AP.

The guy asked Rugs what to do. Rugs is putting it out here on TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My perspective is as a husband who suspects my wife of having at least one affair in the past. There have been some red flags and even perhaps a smoking gun.

It is possible the BH in this case knows something is wrong but doesn't know what it is. Perhaps he has some gut feelings she is cheating but hasn't stumbled upon evidence or TAM. Maybe he found out she was cheating, she said the affair was over, but now she's taken it underground and BH has no idea.

This is a much more likely scenario than BH being some kind of dirtbag or danger to WW.

I think the vast majority of BHs would rather know than not know. I definitely would want to know! Having suspicions but not having hard evidence is hard on a person. It is a service to the betrayed to let them know what is going on. From my philosophy the truth is just the truth. It has no agenda. We cannot control other people's reaction to it. What they choose to do with it is on them. It is not our prerogative to withhold truth from people out of some sort of paternalistic protectiveness of their feelings.

My caveat to telling is one must be 100% sure of the facts, and then to only tell the facts. No conjecture, no omissions. The more verifiable the better, such as photos or emails. The stakes are high, and there is no room for errors in the facts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One could just walk up to a stranger and introduce them selves, and mention they live down the street from each other and mention to him that you had seen his wife on such and such a day at such an such bar and wanted to know if their "open marriage" was helping the marriage.

And when they guy say WTF are you talking about, one could just say they miss understood the situation when they saw his wife sucking face with another guy.

Then apologize for the intrusion. This way when the WW comes pounding on one's door he can tell her that one was interested in the option of an open marriage and meant no harm.

See this bull shyt story is a win win....this guy you know can inform the BH and have an out if it comes back to bite him in the @ss. Making it look like an honest mistake gives validity to the fact that that you meant no harm or had some other agenda.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Thor said:


> My perspective is as a husband who suspects my wife of having at least one affair in the past. There have been some red flags and even perhaps a smoking gun.
> 
> It is possible the BH in this case knows something is wrong but doesn't know what it is. Perhaps he has some gut feelings she is cheating but hasn't stumbled upon evidence or TAM. Maybe he found out she was cheating, she said the affair was over, but now she's taken it underground and BH has no idea.
> 
> ...


Yes. Knowing is better than not knowing. All that that should told is what has been seen. I don't think photos or detective work are in order. We are not PIs we are not the police. Do a good deed, see what comes, and rest your head.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No good deed goes unpunished....he should ask the guy if he is in an open marriage and act like he is curious about open marriage.

At the end of the day the BS spouse won't put 2 and 2 together....lets face it, denial is a long river....tell his WW about the nut that asked about "open marriage' and at the very least scare the shyt out of the WW.


In short ...A picture is worth a thousand words!

You guys remember the member that took a picture of complete strangers cheating ( I think he over heard them talking shyt about the husband)and then took off, went around the block and took another picture of the WW crying on the AP shoulder as they walked out of the restaurant? I think the OM even ran after the TAM memeber.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was last year during football season when a complete stranger was sitting behind a WW when she was texting shyt about her H while she sat next to him at a NFL game and the guy ended up passing the BH a note at the end of the game. LOL


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

He asked for advice to pass on the basis of not having photos. If it is on his mind, he should just pick up the phone and be respectful. I do not think it makes sense to go taking pictures.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I say extort as much money as you can out of the cheating wife, and then tell him anyway. LOL


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> You would be right but this is about the guy who actually saw the wife making out with her AP.
> 
> The guy asked Rugs what to do. Rugs is putting it out here on TAM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, and Rugs should stay out of it. The guy probably should also. How does he know that she was out with her affair partner? There are a dozen innocent explanations possible.


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## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

The poor guy deserves to know. I would send him an anonymous registered letter to be received and signed for by him only. I would include in the letter every little detail I could remember. Time of day, date, location, what the guy looked like and etc. 

In this letter, I would also advise this guy that his life could be at stake here and that he should be tested for STDs and no unprotected sex.

After that it would be all up to him how he handles the information.

If I were in his shoes, I would hope that someone would do the same for me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Yes, and Rugs should stay out of it. The guy probably should also. How does he know that she was out with her affair partner? There are a dozen innocent explanations possible.


Rugs is out of it and he told his friend why he stayed out of a similar situation.

Sometimes the contrarian bug makes you blind. lol.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> Yes, and Rugs should stay out of it. The guy probably should also. How does he know that she was out with her affair partner? There are a dozen innocent explanations possible.


Ok. She was making out with a man that wasn't her husband.

I'm interested in your innocent scenarios here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Helping some guy clean his teeth with her tongue seems innocent enough.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Rugs is out of it and he told his friend why he stayed out of a similar situation.
> 
> Sometimes the contrarian bug makes you blind. lol.


I'd need a lot more detailed information first. I also read that they were making out. Where did Rug's friend see them making out? If it was in public how bad could that be? (Yes, I know, it could be pretty bad. I was young once too.)

Usually we TAManiacs wait for details and are quick to back away from stories that are too general. I'm not doubting Rug's friend. I just need to know more.

Generally, I'm against "letting folks know" by remote control. If I were Rug's friend and really determined to get involved I'd strike up a conversation on the street with the husband. Then I'd tell him that I'd seen his wife in town the other day with some guy and didn't want to interrupt them. And I'd end with mentioning that I hoped that the wife wasn't peeved at me for ignoring her.

Or something like that.

That sort of thing lets the husband determine how much he wants to know. He can always ask further questions if he wishes.

And if the husband replies: "Oh, that was when she was with her uncle Timothy. He's come into money after years of being in debt. She's very happy for him."


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I'd need a lot more detailed information first.


Like I said, contrarian. I'm not getting into this weird debate with you.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Actually, I'm of two minds about this. 1. I hate cheaters. 2. I hate snitches. So, since I hate them both, I will do what I advise everybody else to do, and that is to mind my own f*cking business.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

This question gets raised many times here on TAM, and there's never really a right answer, unfortunately.

From my POV, if I don't actually know the people involved (or at least one person), I'd probably stay out of it.

Reason being, you don't know exactly what's going on in the first place, or what the consequences will be.

Hypothetically speaking, letting this man know what was seen could play out in 100 different ways. He could laugh it off, or he could thank you. He could punch you in the face. He could punch his wife in the face. She could throw rocks through your windows or slash your tires. She could knock on your door next week and tell your wife that YOU'RE cheating - with her. He could kill her, or the OM or himself.

Just because you'd react to this in one way doesn't mean he (or she) would react similarly.

The reality is, one doesn't know what the consequences of this sort of thing could be, especially if you don't really know the people/person involved. If it's somebody you KNOW, a close friend or relative, then you can better determine the outcome, and also break the news to them in a way in which they will not shoot the messenger, so to speak.

If I saw one of my buddies wives out with another man, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him. If it was an acquaintance, I'd make sure to tell everybody I knew so that it would eventually make it back to him. If it was a neighbour or somebody I don't really know, that's a very different situation altogether.

It's not about minding ones own business, IMO so much as it is a) not knowing what the situation really is and b) self-preservation.

Besides, if this woman is bold enough to be making out with someone else in a public place, then she either doesn't care or they have an open relationship. In either case, she's obviously not terribly concerned with keeping it as underground as possible. At some point, one of this guys actual friends or family members will see her and fill him in.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> Actually, I'm of two minds about this. 1. I hate cheaters. 2. I hate snitches. So, since I hate them both, I will do what I advise everybody else to do, and that is to mind my own f*cking business.


I disagree completely. You can't even put snitching on anywhere close to the same level as cheating.


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## vox.populi (Aug 8, 2013)

Option 1) Expose the kiss. Further intel collection is entirely out of the question which shows us the problem with Option 1; lack of credibility. That horse is dead.

Option 2) Mind your damn business. Not much expanding needs to be done on this point. It's a very simple concept.

Option 3) Get to know the man. He might need a weight lifting partner or a fishing buddy or a drinking buddy real soon.

I needed my support circle badly leading up to and following D-Day. You could say that I would be destroyed emotionally and financially today if not for that small group of guys and gals. Instead, I credit them with me being able to earn another degree, find more suitable partners of my own, land better employment, secure primary custodianship of my 3 kids <== (Huge accomplishment)

Do we want another Jerry Springer episode and another SAHM distorting the truth with her lies and self-pity? No, we want to see that righteousness wins in the end.

Assuming he isn't fooling around himself, start laying the ground work to help this guy out. I'll never forget having the final evidence in my hand. The first person I called was a friend who was a good listener. His advice was excellent field guide level stuff that got me off on the right foot. If there is time then try to overtly discuss concepts like the 180, complete exposure, counselling, even that Red Pill Bull**** applies to some facets of the situation; capiche?

Help the guy out.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

This is so dumb. The other guy saw another guy's wife making sucky face with someone else and he is upset about it. Rugs wants advice. Just tell the guy what he saw. Respectfully. Sidney, you are a nut.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

alexm said:


> Hypothetically speaking, letting this man know what was seen could play out in 100 different ways. He could laugh it off, or he could thank you. He could punch you in the face. He could punch his wife in the face. She could throw rocks through your windows or slash your tires. She could knock on your door next week and tell your wife that YOU'RE cheating - with her. He could kill her, or the OM or himself.
> 
> Just because you'd react to this in one way doesn't mean he (or she) would react similarly.
> 
> The reality is, one doesn't know what the consequences of this sort of thing could be, especially if you don't really know the people/person involved. If it's somebody you KNOW, a close friend or relative, then you can better determine the outcome, and also break the news to them in a way in which they will not shoot the messenger, so to speak.


This pretty much captures how I feel about it. Its not like I wouldn't feel bad. But.....the reality is in the real world no one ever finds out from a stranger. I think your post is the reason why. Infidelity is very volatile stuff.

When people find out there spouse is cheating its almost always self discovery, or a close friend or relative that tells you. A stranger??? Hardly ever. I do believe most on here when they say they would tell. However, I think most people outside of CWI feel like AlexM, they would want to tell, but in the end they would decide its probably best not to get involved.

Given this scenario even if the guy told him. She will just say it wasn't me. Because he is a stranger her husband is more likely to believe her over him anyway. I guess the best you could hope for is that he keeps an eye out going forward.


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## vox.populi (Aug 8, 2013)

Don't forget about the other betrayed partner. She is the one who delivered my 2nd and last D-Day. Theoretically, someone who exposes an affair is doing the humane thing for multiple betrayed families.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

A lot going on here. I think the answer is pretty simple. Tell the guy to tell the other guy that his wife is making out with the men. It's what we owe to each other. No preaching here. If he is fine with it then good.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> I disagree completely. You can't even put snitching on anywhere close to the same level as cheating.


I can, and I did. I'll do it again. 1. I hate cheaters. 2. I hate snitches. Both are serious character flaws. You don't agree with me. OK, I can live with that.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> A lot going on here. I think the answer is pretty simple. Tell the guy to tell the other guy that his wife is making out with the men. It's what we owe to each other. No preaching here. If he is fine with it then good.


Soooooooo, basically, we have one guy asking advice about telling another guy about telling a third guy , his wife is sucking lips with a fourth guy. This is , without a doubt, one of the most immature threads I have ever seen on TAM. This is the kind of thing you would expect from gum popping High School girls.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I would definitely advise him to tell his friend. In person would be best but any form of "heads up" would be preferable to nothing at all. One of the previous posters mentioned that the husband may already feel that something off within his marriage. This is how I felt during that time...but I had nothing to go on.

My XWW was cheating on me for 1 1/2 years. There were people that knew but no one bothered to tell me. I felt like a complete fool after I found out that a couple of people that I considered "friends" knew or suspected something was going on...and said nothing. I would have been grateful for any form of "heads up" whether it was a phone call, text message, email, or even a note on my windshield...anonymous or not. After I filed for divorce and it became final, I deleted those "friends" from my life. In my mind, they didn't think enough of me to at least be honest with me so why would I stay friends with them.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Rookie4 said:


> I can, and I did. I'll do it again. 1. I hate cheaters. 2. I hate snitches. Both are serious character flaws. You don't agree with me. OK, I can live with that.


To each his own, Rookie4. I agree that cheaters have serious character flaws, but I'm not of the same mind as you on snitches. That's cool - I don't want to change your opinion, just wanted to voice my disagreement. If I came off as slamming you on that, that was not my intention.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Decimated said:


> I would definitely advise him to tell his friend. In person would be best but any form of "heads up" would be preferable to nothing at all. One of the previous posters mentioned that the husband may already feel that something off within his marriage. This is how I felt during that time...but I had nothing to go on.
> 
> My XWW was cheating on me for 1 1/2 years. There were people that knew but no one bothered to tell me. I felt like a complete fool after I found out that a couple of people that I considered "friends" knew or suspected something was going on...and said nothing. I would have been grateful for any form of "heads up" whether it was a phone call, text message, email, or even a note on my windshield...anonymous or not. After I filed for divorce and it became final, I deleted those "friends" from my life. In my mind, they didn't think enough of me to at least be honest with me so why would I stay friends with them.


You're talking about friends who knew what was going on with your xww, which is an entirely different animal. I, too, would expect my friends to tell me if they knew something. F them if they didn't.

These people are not friends. They are neighbours, and only that. People who recognize one another in public. The people who know are not their friends, and have no idea how the husband would react to this news.

Bottom line, to me is this:

Is it the right thing to do? Yes
Is it the smart thing to do? That's debatable.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Too many "ifs".

What if it WASN'T her and he tells the husband? Good marriage ruined because of friend's mistake.

What if they have an open marriage? Friend has spread personal info around that is no one's business.

What if the friend is actually involved with the woman and is trying to sabotage the marriage in order to get the wife for himself?

What if it wasn't sucking face but a friendly kiss with a friend, cousin, etc... Friend has now started a rumor that isn't substantiated.

What if it didn't even happen and friend is just trying to start something because he doesn't like his neighbors?

Sorry... not his business. If he thinks he's the morals police he can park outside the NoTell Motel and copy down license plate numbers all night.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

This is a tough situation because you don't know how the BH will react....but the circumstances of my own betrayal by my LTgf make it hard for me to say don't tell.

I found out about her A because one of my good friends saw her hanging all over and making out with POSOM at a club.

I was at home, and she had told me she was going to be working late, and might go with her co-workers (girls) for a bite to eat before coming home.

I had no idea she was cheating....I knew she was really depressed and struggling with the fact that her dad had just died of Lou Gehrig's disease about a month and a half previously, but I had been there for her with support when she wanted it or space when she said she needed it.

She had stopped making and discussing plans for our wedding over that month...but I just thought it was normal because who would want to be trying to plan a happy and joyous thing like a wedding while they were still grieving and processing the loss of their parent.

POSOM was a snake co-worker who stepped in to 'support' her while she was depressed.....totally one of those smarmy, 'touchy-feely', 'sensitive types of turd that looks to take advantage of a person in emotional turmoil.

If it had not been for my friend, I don't know if I would have caught her....at least not for a long while.

She had no intentions of ever telling me (as I found out when she came back 8 months after D-day, confessed all the details, and begged me for another chance).

I will always feel a great thanks for my friend who tipped me off....and if it had just been an acquaintance that knew we were a couple, but not really a personal friend, I would be even more thankful because I know so many other people would just ignore it as not their business. 

So when I hear a thread question like this, I always seem to come down on the side of 'give the guy the truth about his life....he has a right to it'.

Though I do have to acknowledge the points others have made that just because this was how I felt and reacted, does not mean that this guy will be the same.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> To each his own, Rookie4. I agree that cheaters have serious character flaws, but I'm not of the same mind as you on snitches. That's cool - I don't want to change your opinion, just wanted to voice my disagreement. If I came off as slamming you on that, that was not my intention.


No sweat, Dobler, I didn't think you were being offensive or anything. We disagree....that's cool.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Decimated said:


> I would definitely advise him to tell his friend. In person would be best but any form of "heads up" would be preferable to nothing at all. One of the previous posters mentioned that the husband may already feel that something off within his marriage. This is how I felt during that time...but I had nothing to go on.
> 
> My XWW was cheating on me for 1 1/2 years. There were people that knew but no one bothered to tell me. I felt like a complete fool after I found out that a couple of people that I considered "friends" knew or suspected something was going on...and said nothing. I would have been grateful for any form of "heads up" whether it was a phone call, text message, email, or even a note on my windshield...anonymous or not. After I filed for divorce and it became final, I deleted those "friends" from my life. In my mind, they didn't think enough of me to at least be honest with me so why would I stay friends with them.


Affairs and divorces both put friends in a difficult spot. Many times after a divorce, friends decide whether to remain friends with the H or with the W. Even if you feel that there was enough blame to go around, remaining friends with both is very hard.

Tattling is also frought with danger. If you know the BS well, and if you feel very strongly about it, then you should tell. But if you are only a nodding acquaintance then you have no idea about the dynamics of their marriage. Meddling in their affairs (while they worry about who else you told) may not be welcome.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Ah the negative words continue. We already have "snitching" and now "tattling." I laugh when people get upset when scandals occur and people scream "I hate society because no one does anything when they see wrong."

Hey, you can't snitch or tattle so, what do you expect. Especially, the ones that say "no snitching" while many are not convicts, but will stand behind a criminal creed.

Yes, I know many of the excuses, let the caveats begin.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

"Hey man. I know you don't really know me, but I need to tell you something...

First off, I hate this. I hate that it's me telling you this, and I hate that there's even a 'this' to tell. That said, I'm doing this because, were I in your shoes, I'd like to think that someone would be kind enough to tell me. So here goes...

A couple of weeks ago, I saw your wife out at a bar making out w/ another guy.

And no, I'm not talking about a 'friendly' kiss... not by any stretch of the word.

I'm talking about full-on, all-out 'making out'.

As in the kind that you'd expect would be followed by some pretty vigorous sex pretty soon after leaving the bar.

Wanna grab a beer?"


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Rugs said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My neighbor down the street wants to tell a guy he doesn't know about seeing his wife making out with another guy.
> 
> ...


I would prefer face to face if I had information I thought someone deserved to know. But I wouldn't just blurt it all out there if they didn't want to hear it either. Instead I'd make sure to give him the chance to tell me to leave or no thanks. Let's face it, some people don't want to hear it. It's hard to define what an empathetic presentation looks like exactly but for me I'd make sure to say I'm sorry this is bad news.

Years back I told a friend that I knew some things about his live in gf and would tell him if he wanted to hear it. He said no thanks. I was okay with that and went about my way. It wasn't my place to force feed information about his girl cheating with another co-worker if he already knew it anyway or didn't want to know it. It took all of 10 seconds to get that monkey off my back and there wasn't any weirdness that I picked up on between us.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Delete


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