# Back again, this time for real :-(



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Here I am again. I joined in Jan or Feb of this year when I was pregnant with my son. 
Now my son is 4 months old. My husband and I have tried to reconcile but I've found out even worse things about him that I just am having a very hard time coping with. 
Infidelity, sex addiction, border line child pornographhy, just to name a few. 

Yet I still feel so sad because I remember the good times and how fun it was to be with him. And it hurts so deep because I truly loved him. 

We've only been married a year. But the majority of the year was in turmoil. My heart is destroyed, and I'm falling apart at the seams. 

I loved him so much. Why is it so hard to let go of someone I know is so extremely toxic and sick?

Anytime there's a conversation it's always my fault, and I have all the problems, and he's just such a jerk. I wish I could write a movie or book about him so that he could see how much of a jerk he really is! (he's a movie guy)

I love and hate him at the same time, I miss him and I want him to leave me the hell alone. I want to see him and I never want to see him again. 

I'm so torn. Worse part is, I CAN'T just turn around and walk away, or leave. We share a 4 month old son. 

I feel so lost, hurt, tore up, beat up, and just pained.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

So sorry to hear your going through this. So how long have you been married? What does he say about all the issues is he willing to get help?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Let's b clinical.

What you are experiencing is oxytocin withdrawl. Your mate gave that to you, your fix. The comfortable love feeling, at the time of your relationship when things settled down and got comfortable. Then, they went so comfortable anymore. Your brain stopped producing that oxytocin, and you craved it. But you still wernt getting it in nice, comfortable doses. But, you got a little of it, in spurts, during those moments when he was lovey to you.

Your conflicted feelings are your brain telling you that the relationship is toxic, but your endocrine system still craves that oxytocin. It KNOWS where it got it last. Your mate. And it still wants more. Because your brain craves that stuff. It doesn't care where it gets it from. Even those "bad" places. Like your mate.

Give it time. Eventually, you will be free of this feeling as your brain detoxs from it's oxytocin source. 

Then, enjoy that awesome high you will get when you meet someone new and get a new addiction to PEA. That thrilling awesome lovesick making chemical that gets you all giddy when you meet someone new you really dig.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rachel- (Aug 21, 2011)

Hi Sakaye,
I am so sorry for you!
I totally understand your feelings. I am going trough very similar emotions right now. I loved my husband sooo much!!
But he gave me lots of sad days where I cried non stop as he refused to even acknowledge my presence in the house.
He gave me so many silent treatment that I have become silent myself. Overcritical, possessive, controlling, manipulative, he never hurted me phisically but he destroyed me emotionally and he wants me to believe that I play the victim and he suggested more than once that it is all in my head.

I have a 2 and a 4 years old daughters and I understand your position. it's hard, very hard, full stop.

I also have mixed feelings and wish sometimes that this separation we are going through would result in us being together again but I know, as it has already happened several times, it would start all over again with me having to undertake his irrational behaviour.

Another reason we feel so confused, I love him I hate him, is because subconsciously they are very good manipulators and can be very charming in their good days.
And they convince themselves they are the misunderstood ones and that they are right and always find their way with words to turn every arguments in their favour, or at least my husband dose it all the time. He managed to get me to say sorry more than once when it was instead all his fault. Stupid me, blinded by his "Love"....ironical 

I hear lots of people saying that with time this pain will subside and we'll be free to live our own life..I hope it's true.

Don't give up, I won't


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Let's b clinical.
> 
> What you are experiencing is oxytocin withdrawl. Your mate gave that to you, your fix. The comfortable love feeling, at the time of your relationship when things settled down and got comfortable. Then, they went so comfortable anymore. Your brain stopped producing that oxytocin, and you craved it. But you still wernt getting it in nice, comfortable doses. But, you got a little of it, in spurts, during those moments when he was lovey to you.
> 
> ...


Sometimes people actually LOVE. 
If my other half were you, I might want to leave too, if that's how you explained love. 
Not to discredit what you're saying because I'm sure there is valid information in some of your statements, but we are not robots completely chemically controlled. Love is a science, yes, does that mean it hurts less knowing this fact? Hell no. People here, like myself, are sad, we are accepting what is going on or need help in accepting one of the biggest pitfalls in our lives. We are expressing our want to go back to the other person, but come here for support so that we DON'T do it. 
So please, keep your chemical comments to yourself. You are very welcome to speak for yourself. Again, I'm not discrediting your words, but it doesn't make me feel any better.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Rachel- said:


> Hi Sakaye,
> I am so sorry for you!
> I totally understand your feelings. I am going trough very similar emotions right now. I loved my husband sooo much!!
> But he gave me lots of sad days where I cried non stop as he refused to even acknowledge my presence in the house.
> ...


:smthumbup:
I'm glad you're not giving up. I'm fighting the good fight. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing when I feel like I can't resist the urge to talk to him or see him, but then, inside, I KNOW, that he is unhealthy. And you ARE right! My husband IS a HUGE manipulator. I love him - but maybe I don't love HIM, I love a representation of what I thought was him. I HAVE to keep telling myself that. That that's not the real him. The sweet him is just another mask, another face to put on when he wants something, or is feeling bad, or who knows what they feel when they're doing that. I will never know if he's genuine or not. Never. We've been married for a while, I'd rather not say how long, but we've known each other for a long period of time. 
I miss him, but am coming to terms with the reality that he wasn't meant for me, and I don't have to torture myself and keep breaking MY OWN heart by going back to him. I deserve BETTER and there IS someone out there who is looking for someone like me. Who will love me for me. And I'm not looking right now, but when the time is right, I know he will find me, or I him. And if it never happens, then it was never meant to be. I just can't believe that THIS crap I'm going through now is supposed to be my forever after. Excuses after excuses poor out of this mans mouth and I find myself listening and understanding him. But I realize YES, he's manipulating. He starts talking SO MUCH that he contradicts himself. I loved him and would've given him the WORLD if I could. But he will never know how to truly love. He will never know what it feels like to love someone so much you would sacrifice just about anything for them. 

Stay strong, I need to too. I haven't been on here a while, thought I could do it, but now the anxiety is coming back. And typing here makes me feel better and I'm able to sleep after. To know I'm not alone, to know I have support, these things are important. I am different from some because I DON'T have family support. No one really knows what's going on aside from one really good friend. I mean really knows. So I have to wear this facade and when people ask me how my 'husband' is, I just grin and bear it. You might say it's torturesome, but where I live, it's just easier than trying to explain your life story. Try to say **** off and you're immediately the town *****. So, yeah, trying to just hang in there. 
I love my son, and you know what, if nothing else, my husband IS a good father to my baby boy. He takes care of him well, and loves him. If nothing else, I'm glad he does that. 

Hanging in there! You do too!


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## Rachel- (Aug 21, 2011)

Hy Sakaye,
I have just read your post and guess what?? I also don't have any family support apart from 2 good friends that unfoutunatly i can rarely see or speak to.
My family leaves far far away, in another part of the world. I only talk to my parents by phone, I haven't seen them in 4 years. They have never met my youngest daughter, only once my oldest. Pretty sad.
So i can totally understand how you feel. It's such a complicated situation, especially having children and very very sad for them too.
I am still fighting, thank you so much for your support! So appreciated. When you write about yourself I feel like it could be me.
I think so many man are good manipulators anyway, they try to keep their wife, it can be convenient at times and at the same time they want to keep on doing all they want and like.
So they master their speaking ability and sometimes they are not direct, they behave in a way using even few words but effective that make us doing uncounsciusly exactly what they want.
They use our emotions and I consider that very low, mean and cruel. they make us feel guilty and so doing things to please them not to feel guilty any more. But when confronted, as I have been told by my husband himself, it's all in our head.
That's why they don't use direct sentences like "I don't want you to work because I fear you may find a better man out there!!"
When confronted on this issue my husband replied he never prohibited to me to go and work, but when I said I was considering it he replied "why , you don't need to go to work".
And so on, the list is long...and I have felt bad so many times, I also don't want to go back to give him another chance to hurt my feelings.
Mine too seem to be a good father..but speaking of not having any more trust in him...I feel sometimes is doing it to impress my girls so that if we part they won't abandon him and will want to live with him more than with me as he is more fun.

There so much more I could say...maybe next time.
I hope you are well and stay strong, I am listening to a song very often that seem to give me just the strength I need to stay put and no going back, maybe it can help you too.
It's called "Defeated" by Anastacia, try to listen, in fact there are many other song by Anastacia that I like, the lyrics are great for us!!

Let me know if you like it.
Rachel


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