# Has anybody out there gotten over a long term EA? Please tell me how you did it.



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

*Update: Anybody gotten over a long term EA? Please tell me how you did it.*

Just wondering how those of you who have experienced an emotional affair got over it. If you did, where did you find the joy in life? If you chose to move on with someone with whom you had developed a deep bond, how did it turn out?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I had a very special online boyfriend who just disappeared. He just stopped contacting me. It took months to stop caring about him and realized I was too dependent on him for emotional support. I went one step farther and disconnected from all my IM friends, and started using my online time for support groups only. I feel better that my mind is not always online, and I can spend more quality time with my kids. I also see my husband as less the enemy. Hubby still doesn't provide me the emotional support I want, but I know seeking it elsewhere is only going to compromise our marriage.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I never had an emotional affair while married but I have gotten into some emotional situations with men who were not as they seemed or playing games with me.
Some of them hurt me, some disappeared.
Later because of the internet, I was able to track down a few of them and realized, it was them, not me !
so... sometimes when things don't work out, when we feel we are being punished....


we are actually being blessed.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

My wife's emotional affairs cost me my marriage. I admit, there was a time in the past where I was not very supportive and grew distant, physically and emotionally.

So naturally, she had an emotional (she claims) affair. Actually, two affairs with different men at the same time.

A few weeks after I found out, I suggested separation and she was all too happy to comply since it meant taking her emotional affairs to the next level.

It's been 10 months. She loves her freedom. She loves being able to live like she's single again, courting all attention she's given by others. She doesn't love me anymore, and she's impatient with our child. She's in complete selfish mode and loving every minute of it. 

Though I hoped this separation might bring us together later down the line, it has actually pushed her further away from me. She wants a divorce and claims she'll never belong to one man again.

So, no I never got over the emotional affairs she had, but to her, it's the best thing that ever happened to her.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

On behalf of your wife (even if she does not feel it), I am sorry for the pain you have experienced. I can't apologize to my husband for where I am emotionally, but I can read the pain in your post...so, thanks for sharing. 
On the other side of this, sometimes marriage does feel confining and the need to explore other relationships is interesting, especially if the couple married young. At times the level of commitment and interest needed to keep a marriage together feels impossible. 

I am pretty sure she will find herself bereft of the comfort and connection she needs if she allows herself to continue being so selfish. I think the only reason my husband and I are together is because we are both stubborn. When one of us has been selfish in the past, the other one fights for the relationship. You have probably already done this, but can you suggest counseling before agreeing to a divorce???


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Thank you, SFL.

Yes, we did undergo some therapy back in Sept'07 thru Dec'07. I guess it didn't take.

After we separated in Aug'08, we agreed to try counseling again, but she only went once and decided I was the one that needed it, not her, so she didn't come back. 

It's so weird because there are times when I pick up my child from her, and she's bright and beautiful and acting as she did when we first met, and I can't help but fall in love all over again. She even holds my hand and kisses me when I leave.

But then I remember she cheated on me, with 2 different men at the same time, was unwilling to do her part to make the marriage work, and is throwing her newest affair in my face. I just can't accept that she's over me.

Don't know why I can't get over her in light of all this, but I guess 10 months is just not enough time to get over a 15 year relationship.

I'm curious... in what ways did you (or he) fight for the relationship? Too late now for me, but knowledge gained is still valuable.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

I am sorry she did not want to keep trying...it's hard to know another person's motivation to stay in a marriage. For us, each time we were hurt, we did so many of the things that other people write about here - without the benefit of being able to vent like we all do here. We yelled, we blamed, we withdrew . . . but always one of us would see something good in the other and hang in there (with a ton of pain) and try to find a way to get along. We also have had to keep coming back to forgiveness. Sometimes, I guess we just decided to stay together even when the trust was low or non-existant because we did not want to be the one to leave. Unfortunately, often the pain of "putting up with" the other person created resentment and baggage that almost killed the relationship. I guess for me, it's kind of like playing golf. There are a few "sweet spots" that can make up for the crappy holes and keep you coming back. And you are right, you can't expect to get over a loving relationship so quickly. She is probably having a harder time than she lets on to you. Be brave and show her your confident side. You will be O.K. without her. You will love life again. Really!!!


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Posting an update to my story. I recently wrote to and told my friend that we can no longer share private communication. I acknowledged to him that I am having an emotional affair with him and for the sake of my marriage, I need to stop. He reluctantly agreed saying if our conversations were hurting my marriage that it would be best to stop. 

We have been friends for a long, long time and I am really sad today. I just looked for an emoticon but and there is not one to match my mood. Maybe this one :FIREdevil:

I don't know if he and I will ever speak again. I miss the idea of being able to share with him and the possibility of a keeping a friendship. There is no one I can share this with, so I am putting it out here. It is a deep sadness. Especially because I don't know if my husband and I will EVER feel like we are on the same page.

I keep trying to remind myself of the obvious logical stuff. This guy is not perfect (although we have a strong kinship). He would be too much of workaholic if we ever were to be together (although I tend to be one as well). He would be sarcastic and hurtful on his bad days (So am I). Once the hurt started, it would be difficult to maintain closeness. We are both committed to staying married to our spouses. Still, I want to send him a text and tell him I miss him. But I won't. Still going a little bit crazy though. :crazy:

I have sent enough mixed signals to him, so I won't go there. Trying to get over it and see hope for my marriage. Thanks for being a sounding board. Wishing you all a brighter tomorrow whatever state you find yourself today.


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## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

No, but when you figure it out please advise because it looks like I am going to be dealing with the demise of my second marriage. I am thinking it will simply kill me. Women seem to be so much stronger and matter-of-fact than men when dealing with it.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

I think women have this great ability to put up a wall and never look at it again, much less over it. Calloused maybe? I don't know the word for it, but I do it and have done it in the past. It's funny b/c in the marriage it is usually the man who acts as though he's all tough and uncaring, yet in the downfall, the women toughen up and the men crumble. But what do I know... I've never gone through a divorce, thankfully, and I'm just going off of what people on here say.


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## Gert B Frobe (May 6, 2011)

*Re: Update: Anybody gotten over a long term EA? Please tell me how you did it.*



SFladybug said:


> Just wondering how those of you who have experienced an emotional affair got over it. If you did, where did you find the joy in life? If you chose to move on with someone with whom you had developed a deep bond, how did it turn out?


Yes I did, 4 years a local woman and it was tough. I am the one that broke it off, I did not want to lose what I have. But the key and the only way is to make a clean break. Vow never ever to contact or allow to be contacted. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do. But time, does in fact, heal ALL wounds.


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