# Husband seems to be hiding things



## AngelMom0310 (Jun 2, 2015)

My husband works out of town, gone for a couple of weeks at a time. Today, I found a debit card purchase on our bank account of around $90 to an adult novelties type store in the town where he is working. We used to live in this town. I know that this place only sells 3 or 4 kinds of things - hookah stuff (husband does not smoke - ANYTHING), synthetic weed (again - husband does not smoke/drink/use), and porn/sextoys/lingerie.

There have been other little "not right" moments over the past 6 months or so. We have had a rough couple of years due to life circumstances. I don't know that he has cheated already, but I'm worried that this is where things are headed. I always felt so confident that I'd know exactly how to handle this because I've dealt with it in a previous marriage. Now it seems to be here and I don't know what the hell to do. 

Do I tackle this debit card purchase head on? I don't think he can explain this away at all. I really don't.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Maybe he purchased porn to enjoy while he's away from you.

Why not just ask?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Also, if it is on a shared bank account, he's not hiding anything. Do you ask him before you make all purchases?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'd ask him. Like Chris said, it could be porn to enjoy while he is missing you, or a toy....they do make toys for men to enjoy (i.e. fake girl parts....). If he bought something tangible like that, he could easily prove it to you by producing the goods. If he can't produce anything, then, well...you could have a problem. (i.e. lingerie for someone else, condoms, peep show/lap dance/private room if they have it at that store).


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## AngelMom0310 (Jun 2, 2015)

My thought process is- why pay for porn when he gets it all over the internet for free. And we've tried the sex toys route before and he's never been interested. My anxiety is through the roof right now. Maybe it's not as big a deal as I think it is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He bought it as a joke gift for a work colleague? (Yes, people really do that kind of thing!) or is it a gift of lingerie for you, perhaps?

Or has someone cloned his card, or found his details and made an over the phone purchase?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> He bought it as a joke gift for a work colleague? (Yes, people really do that kind of thing!) or is it a gift of lingerie for you, perhaps?
> 
> *Or has someone cloned his card, or found his details and made an over the phone purchase?*


It's possible. That happened to me. 

But, I wouldn't offer this to him as a possible explanation straight out of the gate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It's possible. That happened to me.
> 
> But, I wouldn't offer this to him as a possible explanation straight out of the gate.


Nor would I.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What are the other 'not right' moments?


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## AngelMom0310 (Jun 2, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> What are the other 'not right' moments?


Clearing the texts and call logs, friending women on FB that I know he doesn't "know", other credit card charges like a few clubs a couple of times - says he went out to eat with guys from the work crew, but my husband is not a joiner. Or never has been, anyway. I really think now, that if he is cheating or heading that way he's just looking for hook-ups, not relationships.

Our relationship has been trying at times but never headed towards the breakup point.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

*Re: Husband seems to be hiding something*

there could be a logical explanation.

magazines to whack-off too, masturbatory aids, etc. you don't want the poor guys' balls to explode while he's away, do you?

You could attempt to use standard investigatory techniques to determine if he is cheating or not, but these are likely not to be too helpful since he is gone for a long period of time.

Do you have access to his phone, for instance, when he is home, and can check for text messages he may not have erased?

You could always come right out and ask him about it, although he may be embarrassed by whatever he bought, assuming it was in fact innocent.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

AngelMom0310 said:


> My husband works out of town, gone for a couple of weeks at a time. Today, I found a debit card purchase on our bank account of around $90 to an adult novelties type store in the town where he is working. We used to live in this town. I know that this place only sells 3 or 4 kinds of things - hookah stuff (husband does not smoke - ANYTHING), synthetic weed (again - husband does not smoke/drink/use), and porn/sextoys/lingerie.
> 
> There have been other little "not right" moments over the past 6 months or so. We have had a rough couple of years due to life circumstances. I don't know that he has cheated already, but I'm worried that this is where things are headed. I always felt so confident that I'd know exactly how to handle this because I've dealt with it in a previous marriage. Now it seems to be here and I don't know what the hell to do.
> 
> Do I tackle this debit card purchase head on? I don't think he can explain this away at all. I really don't.


Possible the card was compromised. Mine has been before. A few times as well. People buying crap at Walmart and gas. Need to be vigilant with the cards. Most card companies offer alerts via email when a purchase is made over a certain amount. My email would have been dinged showing the card charged $90.00 and at what store.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It's possible. That happened to me.
> 
> But, I wouldn't offer this to him as a possible explanation straight out of the gate.


Just approach him and state, "I was balancing the checkbook. There is a really strange charge on the card. Do you have any idea what it is?" The reaction will be very telling.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Maybe a fleshlight, all hd committed married road warriors know :smthumbup:


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Maybe he purchased porn to enjoy while he's away from you.
> 
> Why not just ask?


No one buys porn in a store anymore much less 90 bucks worth


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

If he was hiding I would think he would be using cash, especially since you brought up the issue with club charges, he already is aware you check and question his spending.

Its also possible that you do not know every interest that your husband has, he may be reluctant to disclose or share with you his taboos.

Ask, without accusations. Try and be considerate, he might not exactly be proud of his resent spending habits.

The phone messages, and friending would concern me, because I have experienced this.

Its not your job to find out for yourself what your H is hiding. It is your H's job to show you that he has nothing to hide.

Now he has already given you the opportunity to see where this money has been going, so you don't need to trigger a defensive reaction out of him. If you put him on the defense, not only will you not know for sure what was purchased, but in the future your going to be questioning large cash withdrawals, and hyper security.


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## AngelMom0310 (Jun 2, 2015)

dash74 said:


> Maybe a fleshlight, all hd committed married road warriors know :smthumbup:


hahaha that is what I'm hoping!!!! THAT I can live with.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Given the other red flags, I would do some further investigating before confronting. Check phone bills online. FB activity, online history, etc. You could also consider a VAR.

Imo, you have reason to worry.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Angelmom, I see you have two identical threads going, you should limit it to just one.

Whatever your H has done, it seems that it's semi-transparent, or semi-secretive, or else he would have figured out a better way to hide his transaction (like going to an ATM to get cash for his purchase). It seems likely that he is acting "inappropriately" at least according to a viewpoint where he is keeping stuff about himself to himself instead of being entirely forthcoming about his likes, interests and the people he interacts with. Until you know more don't assume the worst - it's likely that finding a hookup is not his end goal at all, just merely trying to find a way to get a little more dopamine going on in his brain, like most of us want to do at some point or another, in a way that our mind is able to recognize as not violating our own morals (which can vary wildly from one person to the next).


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I wouldn't worry too much about the spending at this store. After all, it wasn't hidden. And not that I'd know, but $90 seems about right for some sort of sex toy or two. I've been in those stores once or twice and the prices are rather high.

What I would be concerned about is that he's making online friends with women he doesn't know (or _really_ know) and also deleting his texting and email history. Couple that with his work travel, and you have something to keep an eye on.

And fwiw, I'm not much of a joiner either, but I do know the value of being social with fellow employees from time to time. Especially when one is on the road where you can't keep making the same excuses over and over again.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

alexm said:


> I wouldn't worry too much about the spending at this store. After all, it wasn't hidden. And not that I'd know, but $90 seems about right for some sort of sex toy or two. I've been in those stores once or twice and the prices are rather high.
> 
> What I would be concerned about is that he's making online friends with women he doesn't know (or _really_ know) and also deleting his texting and email history. Couple that with his work travel, and you have something to keep an eye on.
> 
> And fwiw, I'm not much of a joiner either, but I do know the value of being social with fellow employees from time to time. Especially when one is on the road where you can't keep making the same excuses over and over again.


Yep 90 bucks is about the right markup in a place like that vs the fleshlight site almost a 1/3 less

In other words they f you before they f you but hey the have lights to keep on and doe's to sling and vhs tapes to dust off


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## AngelMom0310 (Jun 2, 2015)

Lots of good thoughts in here......I'm so frustrated but we are in a completely frustrating situation. I'm gonna do a little more observing before I draw a final conclusion. But I am going to non-chalantly (as possible...LOL) inquire about the spending.

Thanks for all the good points so far!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't see anything really off here, but if keeps going to this store then I would be a little worried. Questioning every off color expense could singal your husband you don't trust him and that underminds the marriage more than anything else.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

*Re: Husband seems to be hiding something*

Good evening
For some reason men using sex toys is considered shameful, but a lot do. He is away from you for weeks, so you can assume he is masturbating. He has probably purchased some sort of male sex toy to use in masturbation.

I don't know what sort of boundaries you have in your relationship, but for many couples this would be OK in the same way that most would find it OK for you to use a vibrator when he is out of town.


If anything this is a hint that he is not having an affair. $90 is too much for condoms, and since couples generally use sex toys for novelty, I suspect they are less commonly used in affairs where there is already novelty. 


I don't see any reason to worry. I wouldn't confront him - he will just be embarassed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Husband seems to be hiding something*

FWIW, @AngelMom0310, you're probably better off sticking to a single thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/271393-husband-seems-hiding-things.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AngelMom0310 said:


> Lots of good thoughts in here......I'm so frustrated but we are in a completely frustrating situation. I'm gonna do a little more observing before I draw a final conclusion. But I am going to non-chalantly (as possible...LOL) inquire about the spending.
> 
> Thanks for all the good points so far!


Doing more observing and not saying anything yet is a good idea.

Do you usually check his spending and then ask him about it? Or is there a chance that he would think you would never notice the expenditure?

I think that you have something to be concerned about. It's not just the $90 at the adult store. It's the FB thing and the club charges.

Often times people get a gut feeling that their spouse is cheating but they cannot quite put a finger on what is triggering it. Sadly that gut feeling is often right. I've read that women's intuition about their husband cheating is right most of the time.

You might want to read through the evidence thread to get some ideas... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Almost forgot, I merged your two threads into one.

If you keep to one thread you will have better support/input. It's also against forum rules to create multiple threads on one topic.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Angel, lie low and observe for a while, do not jump the gun because if you tip him off then it will be more difficult to dig up.

Keep a record of your observations, inconsistencies, comments made that don't feel right, expenditure (such as this), actions that are secretive. Do this for a month or more. Do not alert him to what you are doing. You could ask him how he feels when he is away so much from you, see his reaction. 
The purchase may be nothing but you did mention him closing windows on his pc/phone and chatting up unknown women, there is something off there.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

FWIW- I've never gone into a porn shop and not spent 3x what I intended to spend, and I've gone maybe 3 or 4 times.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> Often times people get a gut feeling that their spouse is cheating but they cannot quite put a finger on what is triggering it. Sadly that gut feeling is often right. I've read that women's intuition about their husband cheating is right most of the time.[/url]


There's a lot to be said about that, of course, however in cases like this, it's not difficult to start reaching. Hubby travels for work, for weeks at a time, for starters. That alone is going to get some people's brains working overtime. A shared bank account in which there are undisclosed charges is another. Yes, one is to a sex shop, but as said above, it's not terribly likely that one goes to a sex shop to purchase anything for an affair or a hookup.

The club expenditures could go either way. When working off-site with others, co-workers tend to go out and blow off steam, have a few drinks, whatever. It beats sitting in a hotel room every night. And don't forget the genuine peer pressure people get in such situations. Nobody really wants to be "that guy", who never goes out with the others and would rather stay in his/her room and watch tv every night.

With that said, how much are these charges? Like, if it's $50 or $60 spent at a club, that's 5 or 6 drinks - what one would expect one person to consume on his/her own. Or is it $150, which might indicate buying drinks for other people? Even the times these charges are made can be helpful. Did he cash out at 10pm or 2am?

That said, trust your gut, but in cases like this it's always best to proceed with extreme caution. Not only because if you're right, you'll drive him underground, but because if you're wrong, you can severely damage the relationship by showing him you don't trust him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alexm said:


> There's a lot to be said about that, of course, however in cases like this, it's not difficult to start reaching. Hubby travels for work, for weeks at a time, for starters. That alone is going to get some people's brains working overtime. A shared bank account in which there are undisclosed charges is another.
> 
> Yes, one is to a sex shop, but as said above, it's not terribly likely that one goes to a sex shop to purchase anything for an affair or a hookup.
> 
> ...


I agree that the circumstance alone can make a person start to feel insecure. The one thing that I thing that got me was the FB activity with other women. That was of concern. So it throws a cast on the other things.

But.. the advice was that she not say anything and keep an eye open. It's the right thing to do whether he's cheating or not. She will find out that either she's over reacting and that there is nothing wrong going on or she will find that she's cheating.




alexm said:


> That said, trust your gut, but in cases like this it's always best to proceed with extreme caution. Not only because if you're right, you'll drive him underground, but because if you're wrong, you can severely damage the relationship by showing him you don't trust him.


I agree. 

If she just observes for a couple of months and finds nothing, then she needs to work on her insecurities.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> I agree.
> 
> If she just observes for a couple of months and finds nothing, then she needs to work on her insecurities.


I wouldn't quite suggest that it's insecurities (though I do totally agree with everything you've said!)

The thing is, there are these so-called red flags here which are causing her to re-think some things. If there's nothing to any of it, and she's wrong, , then I wouldn't categorize it as insecure, bur rather as her being prudent.

I was in a similar situation with my wife a few years ago - little things that started to make me take notice (among them, making new facebook friends with primarily men that she, imo, didn't know well enough to invite into her/our lives in that way. But at the end of the day, it was unfounded (at least as far as her interactions were concerned), and it was totally innocent on her part. That said, a very small percentage of these men started to cross lines with her, which she did not hide from me. In the end, I didn't have to say "I told you so" - she knew.

There's a very fine line between being insecure and being prudent with stuff like this, and it's also very much in the eyes of the beholder. If OP's hubby is confronted with any of this, then he may very well take it as a personal affront - provided he's completely innocent. And then the word "insecure" starts to get thrown around. I was on the receiving end of this, so I know all-too-well.

However, like I said, my situation ended up with my wife eventually understanding my concerns due to 1 or 2 guys crossing lines and she now sees where I was coming from (at least in terms of accepting facebook friend requests from Joe Random). She now understands what "fishing" is and how to read between the lines, and that guys don't address women by "hi gorgeous!" or "how's it going, beautiful?" without a hidden (or not-so-hidden) agenda. For her part, she put too much trust into other people, given that her Facebook page is connected to mine (ie. husband and wife) and contains primarily pictures of the two of us, or the the kids and I, etc. Her profile and cover pictures are wedding photos. With me in them. In essence, she assumed that it was quite clear that she was happily married and part of a family, therefore men aren't so clueless (or disgusting) to brazenly hit on her like that.

OP's husband may be equally as clueless and not aware of how his Facebook/online interactions can appear to his wife. As OP said initially, he's not hiding his online presence or Facebook interactions, neither is his spending being hidden (joint bank account). I think she's best to mention this to him at some point, and just let him know that appearances matter in a marriage.

I had this conversation with my wife a couple of years ago, to which she got defensive and brought up the "insecurity" card. So I let it go. She wasn't hiding anything, but I still wasn't comfortable with Joe Random facebook friending her. And once a couple of these Joe Randoms started getting closer and closer to the line, and eventually putting a toe across it, she started to understand where I was coming from. It wasn't necessarily HER that I didn't trust. And more importantly, that far too many people will still try, regardless of the ring on your finger, or the photos that are visible. The best offense is a good defense, as they say in sports. In other words, be aware of the situations you put yourself in order to avoid things like this from happening in the first place.

And this is probably what OP should be casually mentioning to her husband, for starters. (but also continuing to monitor him, of course).


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