# Trying to get my life together



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Update. 

Husband is now in the west coast, I'm living back with my parents in my and my husbands home town. It's been about a week and I am struggling with the reality of my situation but knowing I need to accept it to hurry up and move on. My husband is no help at all. Doesn't talk to me unless I text him. Says he's mad at me and still loves me but refuses to get help for the marriage, but won't end it. 
I have a another job interview next week and it's a really good job. I can't wait to start getting a life again. I have been hiding from everyone Bc I am not ready to talk about my situation. I switched all my emails and social media to my last name. Still haven't deleted his pictures from them. 
I've been working out, training for a half marathon. I have zero money right now. My mother in law wants me to keep quite about this whole situation because she thinks there is still hope. I'm not ready to tell the world yet anyway. 

All I can think about is him. I try not to. Night time is the worst, I dream about him. I can't imagine dating anyone or even falling in love with anyone again. I worry that I will never love anyone as much as I love him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You may feel that you will never love anyone as much again, but you will. There is this romantic idea that there is just one perfect partner for everyone, but its not true. There are lots of people and they have lots of good and bad characteristics. 

You will get a new job. You will meet people. Someday (and not too long) you will find someone you can love. 

Often when you are in a relationship its easy to love the person you wish your partner was, rather than the person that they really are. If you think about your husband you will recognize that while he had some good points, he had a lot of bad ones - and that is why you are separating. 

When you separate from someone it feels intensely lonely because you are so used to being with them - even if your time together wasn't all that good.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

When we spend too much time desperate to connect with another, we forget how to connect with ourselves.

You have endured so much my friend, all storms pass... quiet is good, you need that too, a great time to collect and assess where your life is leading you.

Think about what a newly awakened heart would tell you... then listen.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> Update.
> 
> Husband is now in the west coast, I'm living back with my parents in my and my husbands home town. It's been about a week and I am struggling with the reality of my situation but knowing I need to accept it to hurry up and move on. My husband is no help at all. Doesn't talk to me unless I text him. Says he's mad at me and still loves me but refuses to get help for the marriage, but won't end it.
> I have a another job interview next week and it's a really good job. I can't wait to start getting a life again. I have been hiding from everyone Bc I am not ready to talk about my situation. I switched all my emails and social media to my last name. Still haven't deleted his pictures from them.
> ...


Remind yourself how he has been treating you. You are romanticizing him, not remembering the sucky reality. We've all done it, for some reason that is where your mind automatically goes when you split. You have to make yourself remember WHY you are doing what you're doing, there are valid reasons that you need to keep in mind. 

Your MIL's opinion of what you should do doesnt mean sh!t. Do what works for you. 

Stop trying to talk to him, you need to go no contact or you will not move on.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Did you leave to start a fresh life or to scare him into action? To me it sounds like you have one leg on each side of the fence. If you want to be divorced go file, you don't need his cooperation to get things started. What you do need to do is separate your life from his, stop contacting him or his parents, stop keeping track of him, stop be concerned over what he's doing.

The guy frustrated you to the point of leaving because you were so unhappy, don't forget about that.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> Its obvious he has a mental illness, or a personality disorder. It is so exhausting trying to have a normal conversation with him. I talk to him about a issue, I state it very clearly, I give evidence to that issue. And the next sentences out of his mouth are so crazy! How he can make excuses and defend his behavior. I don't know how he can even believe what he is saying.
> He acts like he has no control of his life and his actions. It's exhausting. He says this is who I am. Which I guess is true. But he acts like he doesn't have choices. It's very obvious he makes choices, bad choices and then acts like he's a victim to that and he wants to complain yet he doesn't think he has control over anything.
> 
> He told me he regrets becoming a surgeon because it has ruined his life, his marriage, and his relationships. Yet he continues.


As I stated in a previous thread it actually pushes my mind to its limits trying to grasp the concept of literally standing between life and death on a daily basis. The responsibility would be overwhelming and I would not think it so extraordinary to desire to alleviate as much of the other stress in life as is possible. You mention choices but I posit to you that there are, in reality, very few choices that we can make. Our "choices" are limited to what we are capable of. For instance, you have left him because you chose to, could you have chosen to stay? Or are the circumstances such that you could not choose to stay and make it work? So then you really have no choice. Perhaps his circumstances produce similar conditions under which he must "choose". I can tell you that the life of a physicians wife, especially a surgeon, is not an easy one. Did you "choose" to become involved with him? And now that it has not turned out according to your fantasy you have "chosen" to leave. These "choices" seem to be not dissimilar to the "choices" you see him making and describe as bad. Perhaps it is your perception.



katiecrna said:


> It's crazy how fast someone can go down hill. He makes me so sad... the man he has become. He is shutting everyone out. This weekend is not only fathers days, but it's a big family wedding. As you guys know he comes from a very close Italian family.
> 
> He was suppose to come home, go to the wedding, spend time with his family on Father's Day. Then go back to NYC, clean out the apartment and move to the west coast for his fellowship. He has decided not to come home, not to see his family at the wedding, his grandma which will probably be the last time he ever sees her. He won't see and say goodbye to his brother. Won't spend time with his dad on Father's Day. Instead he will stay in NYC until he leaves for the west coast. I know his family will be devastated. It's crazy how selfish he is.
> 
> I know this is not my problem anymore. It just makes me sad.


So you find it unusual that a man would want to avoid a large family gathering wherein he will no doubt be asked about his marriage by many of the guests in attendance. It does sound very relaxing to have to explain over and over why his marriage has failed. Why would anyone want to avoid that? Could this be another one of his bad "choices" or could it be a prudent "choice" given his stress level and a way to try and preserve his sanity? Also, I do not believe that it makes you sad but rather angry that he is not behaving the way you want him to. I do believe that you have some serious issues that should be addressed before you enter into another relationship.



katiecrna said:


> Are blouses considered dressy? This is a dumb question, but when it's spring/summer what is a typically outfit you wear?
> Now I'm living back home and it's depressing and my parents never dress nice because they are always working in the yard or something. It sounds weird but I feel like I don't know how to dress here.


You have made a decision top get married, decided your husbands mental condition and decided to end a marriage and you do not know how to decide (choose) the best way to dress in your new location? Also, you are back home with mom and dad because he runs from conflict and confrontation and difficult situations? I see. You do not. You seem very self absorbed and as though you have a very strong need to be in control. This is problematic in that life seldom offers that luxury. It may be prudent for you to recognize that before you become a multiple time divorcee, leaving a wake of pain in your trail.

The most grueling part of the training to be a physician is in the latter part of med school and subsequently the years in residency. Your support during that time would have been invaluable but it was not what you wanted so you had no "choice" but to get out and preserve you mental state. A state that is perhaps not worth preserving. In any event, I wish you happiness as you seek the perfect arrangement and someone who will behave exactly as you wish them to although I find it highly unlikely to impossible that it will happen. What is much more likely is that you will either grow and mature and learn to accept that life often does not go exactly as we wish or you will continue to seek that perfection and find very little happiness in years as you search. Time will tell.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Katiecrna - Back when I was visiting TAM regularly I always read your posts for the coherent lucid messages combined with a dash of your humor.

I just saw your thread in the social forum about moving to your hometown. I searched and found this thread. I'm not familiar with the back story but see it's a difficult time for you. I wish there was something that could be said to help ease the pain and pressure you're feeling. You have the very good fortunate of sharing in the fellowship of many genuine friends here (and off-line I'm sure). That has been an immense help for me at times. 

You're still a 'Sharpie' so here's a piece of watermelon 🍉. 
Watermelon seems to help everything. Oh, and french fries 🍟 .


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Haiku said:


> Katiecrna - Back when I was visiting TAM regularly I always read your posts for the coherent lucid messages combined with a dash of your humor.
> 
> I just saw your thread in the social forum about moving to your hometown. I searched and found this thread. I'm not familiar with the back story but see it's a difficult time for you. I wish there was something that could be said to help ease the pain and pressure you're feeling. You have the very good fortunate of sharing in the fellowship of many genuine friends here (and off-line I'm sure). That has been an immense help for me at times.
> 
> ...


This is true, you make a very good point... I don't believe I have ever been sad eating french fries either.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> As I stated in a previous thread it actually pushes my mind to its limits trying to grasp the concept of literally standing between life and death on a daily basis. The responsibility would be overwhelming and I would not think it so extraordinary to desire to alleviate as much of the other stress in life as is possible. You mention choices but I posit to you that there are, in reality, very few choices that we can make. Our "choices" are limited to what we are capable of. For instance, you have left him because you chose to, could you have chosen to stay? Or are the circumstances such that you could not choose to stay and make it work? So then you really have no choice. Perhaps his circumstances produce similar conditions under which he must "choose". I can tell you that the life of a physicians wife, especially a surgeon, is not an easy one. Did you "choose" to become involved with him? And now that it has not turned out according to your fantasy you have "chosen" to leave. These "choices" seem to be not dissimilar to the "choices" you see him making and describe as bad. Perhaps it is your perception.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wow... why in the world are you being so hard on her? Did you fail to read previously how abandoned she has felt in this marriage, how alone? She did not expect perfection, she expected a partner. Was she expected to have all her needs ignored because her husband is a surgeon?? All hail the great God the Surgeon? How dare her have needs and expectations! No, sorry, thats ridiculous and selfishly absurd. She cannot make a marriage by herself. She expected a husband, thats usually how that whole marriage thing works... husband gets wife, wife gets husband. Thats not what she ended up with and I think its crappy to make her feel like sh!t for getting out of such an unhappy situation.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> All I can think about is him. I try not to. Night time is the worst, I dream about him. I can't imagine dating anyone or even falling in love with anyone again. I worry that I will never love anyone as much as I love him.


Do you dream about him? Or what you want him to be? He is not. All the status and accomplishments in the world doesn't make you a good husband. He was a crap husband. You can go back to him and be alone every night like you were. Have kids with him whom never see their father. Have your husband run back to work the first sign of emotional difficulty. Eventually loose so much connection that one of you will break it up anyway by cheating or just having grown so far apart that there is no love to dream about anymore. 

Or 

You can suffer like anyone does when they strive for better. You can feel the pain now so your children won't have to. You can learn from your mistake and marry an emotionally intelligent man who has courage. If you are the kind of women you claim to be on here, the first time you have a true partner who understand why he must make a sacrifice to help you emotionally and does, the first time that happens you will love that man as much as you love this one. Then your love will only grow because it will be easier. Find a man who will work with you and who will hold the marriage and his family as more important then even you or himself. 

That is really your choice. I suggest you suffer for a little while. But I also suggest you really end it. Break ties with his family and move on really MOVE ON. That is what it is going to take. Look life's hard. Don't settle the next time as well. Yes there will be things about this man that you will remember fondly but REMEMBER why you made this choice. Remember what your life was and was headed to when you left. You were posting on her trying to connect to a man who had emotionally abandoned his wife in the first years of his marriage. Stop romanticizing what you had. You were in your first years and he was running away to be at work. You are dreaming for something that never was and never will be. You situation as it was was unsustainable. 

It's a life of settling or a life of possibility.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@katiecrna

I'm sorry that it's come to this.

You are doing some good things for yourself in finding a new job and training for a half marathon.

But you also need to work on what's going on in your head space. It might be helpful for you to write up a list of the problems in your marriage and with your husband so that you have something to refer back to when you start ruminating over how much you love him. There is so much about him that you actually do not love... so pull out the list and remind yourself. Change your thoughts. You have the power to do that.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

Wait, now your husband is starting a fellowship? When you said he was almost done with his CT residency, you implied that you both would be moving back to his home town for him to start practice. How long is his fellowship in California?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

mitchell said:


> Wait, now your husband is starting a fellowship? When you said he was almost done with his CT residency, you implied that you both would be moving back to his home town for him to start practice. How long is his fellowship in California?




It's a year.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> As I stated in a previous thread it actually pushes my mind to its limits trying to grasp the concept of literally standing between life and death on a daily basis. The responsibility would be overwhelming and I would not think it so extraordinary to desire to alleviate as much of the other stress in life as is possible. You mention choices but I posit to you that there are, in reality, very few choices that we can make. Our "choices" are limited to what we are capable of. For instance, you have left him because you chose to, could you have chosen to stay? Or are the circumstances such that you could not choose to stay and make it work? So then you really have no choice. Perhaps his circumstances produce similar conditions under which he must "choose". I can tell you that the life of a physicians wife, especially a surgeon, is not an easy one. Did you "choose" to become involved with him? And now that it has not turned out according to your fantasy you have "chosen" to leave. These "choices" seem to be not dissimilar to the "choices" you see him making and describe as bad. Perhaps it is your perception.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You love to make excuses and rationalize bad behavior. 
You say it's normal to be want to alleviate stress when you have people's life on the line. Of course. But wanting to alleviate stress and completely ignoring your responsibilities and running away from problems is not "alleviating stress". Anyone with brain cells will tell you that problems don't go away, when ignored they get worse. So what he is doing is making things way worse for him. 

Yes we all have choices and make decisions. 

Once my husband found out I was coming up to move out some of my things... he magically decided he was going to drive home and go to the wedding. So he did go. Anything to avoid me. 

I am back home with my parents because I am between jobs. Maybe if my husband didn't refuse to see me, and agreed to work on the marriage with me I wouldn't of went back home. 

Also my father rented up a uhaul and drove all the way 6hrs to our home to help us move all the heavy stuff that we couldn't do by ourselves. My dad, who is so nice, took off from work (doesn't get paid for time off), paid for this uhaul, all to help my husband and I move... my husband didn't want to see my dad or look him in the eye, so he left and stayed in the hospital for the days he was here and didn't help my dad, and didn't thank my dad. And at this time, my husband was done with residency so he didn't have to work and had no reason to be in the hospital except for the sole fact to ignore my dad, and have us do all the heavy lifting. 

Your wrong. My husband is 100% being a jerk and there is no excuse for his behavior.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry Katie that you are going through all of this, there is absolutely no excuse for your H treating your Dad like that (never mind you). i cannot for the life of me see how such an intelligent person would be so unaware of his own behaviour. Maybe he is a narcissist or has some sort of God complex, I do not know.

I just wish you happiness in the future, you are young , you have parents and a support network and will survive this.


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## elvys504 (Jun 30, 2017)

uhtred said:


> You may feel that you will never love anyone as much again, but you will. There is this romantic idea that there is just one perfect partner for everyone, but its not true. There are lots of people and they have lots of good and bad characteristics.
> 
> You will get a new job. You will meet people. Someday (and not too long) you will find someone you can love.
> 
> ...


sound good, intresting.. 

Sent from my R7sf using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

uhtred said:


> *You may feel that you will never love anyone as much again, but you will*.
> 
> *When you separate from someone it feels intensely lonely because you are so used to being with them - even if your time together wasn't all that good*.


All this for sure, currently where I am at.


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