# It does get better!



## toolforgrowth

Well it's been at least 6 months since I last even came to this site and a lot has happened in that time.

First off, my girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now. Been an interesting ride, a lot of ups and downs; she has cystic fibrosis along with some other health issues, and that provides a very interesting dynamic to our relationship. We've been taking things very slowly as we both came out of long and miserable marriages when we started seeing each other and didn't feel the need to rush things. I feel as though I have a solid grasp of who she is now; I know her good side as well as her bad side, and if we decide to live together (which at this point I think it's only a matter of time) we both know what we'd be getting into. I've seen her at her worst along with her best, and vice versa. And the great thing is, we love each other that much more. It hasn't pushed either of us away. If anything, it's brought us closer.

She's stunningly beautiful. By far the most beautiful woman I've ever been with. And she has a very strong appetite for extra curricular activities, which I absolutely love. She is a fantastic cook, shows me love and affection, and tells me how lucky she is. I feel the exact same way about her. I know what I've been missing out on all those years with my ex wife...it never felt like this. She feels the same way about her ex.

So I think I may have found the one. For those who are separated, contemplating divorce, or actually going through it, just know that it DOES get better. And it can be even better than it was with your spouse.

I had the classic walk away wife. She was attracted to a handsome older man at her job, and in January of '12 she left me and took the kids and started an affair with him. She tried to keep it a secret, but her little brother was a good friend of mine and told me about it 3 months after we split. I was devastated. Totally broken hearted. Divorce was filed and we argued over our daughter something fierce. I was the classic Nice Guy throughout our entire marriage, but her affair woke me up. I fought tooth and nail for time with my kid. Lawyered up, stood toe to toe with her, and got a fair deal. Papers were filed in April, and it was finalized in December...not long after her affair blew up. The OM was in an open marriage and his wife came calling, so he called it off. She was sniffing around and dropping hints for a while afterward, but she knew I was dating my GF and I gave her no quarter. 

A few months back she started seeing a guy who's 7 years younger than her and 10 younger than me (I'm 33). They already live together, she bought a gas guzzling Tahoe to ferry the 4 kids they now have between the two of them, and generally leaves me alone...for which I am eternally grateful. Although for the past year or so my GF and I have gotten random messages on Facebook from a person who claims I'm a player and such. I'm positive it's my ex...nobody else has any motive to do such a thing. The most recent one happened after they moved in together. It blew me away...she's living with another guy and yet still cares what I do. Very strange. 

We share our daughter just fine though, and rarely argue. We speak only when necessary, which again suits me just fine.

My house is redone on the inside and is gorgeous. My daughter and I have never been closer. My GF loves me, is gorgeous, and knows how to make me feel special. I have friends and hobbies. My money is my own; I do pay child support, but after that nobody tells me what to do with my money. I have freedom, self respect, and a great life.

What's the point of all this? Life may be SO hard right now, and you may think this is the end of the world as you know it. And let's face it, it probably is. BUT...the new world that comes after can be so much better. Go to counseling. Surround yourself with family and friends who care about you. Go out. Do things that bring you joy. Life does go on. And there will come a day where you will look back on this time in your life and say, "I beat that! I overcame and came out the other side better for it!"

Life is beautiful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie

Thanks, TFG! Positive stores are always welcome in these parts.


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## ExisaWAW

Well played TFG! Hope to get there one day myself. Btw, I decided today that I'm not going to visit the CWI forum until I'm completely healed.

That entire forum is ripe with triggers. Maybe someday.


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## Houstondad

Nice balance in the post TFG. I'm in a very similar place you're in that I thought I'd never find. My ExW cheated and moved far away from me and our kids (yes, I have custody). But I had a hard time letting go. Took me almost 2 years to truly get over her after an 11 year marriage. And the timing of getting over her couldn't have been perfect, because 1 month later I've met an awesome woman who is affectionate and meets my needs. Never thought I'd meet someone who was better than my EX in nearly every way. They do exist!! Haha. Anyways, just remember that nothing stays the same or is permanent. For those of you that are still in a dark place right now, don't believe for a second it will stay that way. Continue to work on yourself because there is a light at the end of that tunnel.


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## legiox

I cannot imagine how you guys/girls do it with kids. I never want to even look at my WAW and STBXW. Having kids, your basically forced to see them atleast once a month...ugh.


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## angelpixie

legiox said:


> I cannot imagine how you guys/girls do it with kids. I never want to even look at my WAW and STBXW. Having kids, your basically forced to see them atleast once a month...ugh.


Or nearly every day.  Humor helps a lot. Mentally making fun of some of my ex's more ridiculous traits is really useful when he and posGF treat me like I'm inferior to their combined awesomeness.  It takes time, but more than that, it takes will. It doesn't happen on its own. We have behaviors and emotions that have become ingrained. When our lives change so drastically, we basically have to reroute those neural pathways so that we think, feel and live differently. If people can do it after strokes and head injuries, I tell myself I can do it after a divorce, even one that was heartbreaking. And for the most part, I have.


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## sarcasmo

ExisaWAW said:


> Well played TFG! Hope to get there one day myself. Btw, I decided today that I'm not going to visit the CWI forum until I'm completely healed.
> 
> That entire forum is ripe with triggers. Maybe someday.


Agreed! I really need to stop reading those threads for a while. 

Thanks for sharing, TFG! I hope to get where you are at eventually!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript

Hey TFG, 

Thanks for coming back here and updating us. Your post couldn't have come at a better time. I'm in the process of separating/divorcing my W (not sure of you remember my story) after finding out she never stopped talking/seeing OM and had EAs (possibly PAs) with 2 more guys. 

I've decided to let her go and face the fear of the unknown. At least, I'll be able to look in the mirror and know that I did the right thing, have respect for myself. We have a son together and that's the toughest part for me. 

Your post is inspiring.

Thanks,


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## brokenbythis

Lifescript said:


> Hey TFG,
> 
> Thanks for coming back here and updating us. Your post couldn't have come at a better time. *I'm in the process of separating/divorcing my W (not sure of you remember my story) after finding out she never stopped talking/seeing OM and had EAs (possibly PAs) with 2 more guys.
> 
> I've decided to let her go and face the fear of the unknown. At least, I'll be able to look in the mirror and know that I did the right thing, have respect for myself.* We have a son together and that's the toughest part for me.
> 
> Your post is inspiring.
> 
> Thanks,


This is my situation. My ex will never change. Even if he did there's the pregnant OW and a baby he made with someone else while he was married to me in the mix, which I want no part of. He's made it so I have to leave. Which I am. 

I too am facing the fear of the unknown but its better than settling for less that you want. 

So where do you meet new dates? I have not dated for 15 years - where are they? How did you guys meet someone new?


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## unsure78

Hey broken check the single of TAM thread it has some good ideas


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## toolforgrowth

hate to say it, but for me...it was Facebook. My girlfriend and I worked at Arby's together when we were both 18. We were attracted to each other, but I was dating my high school sweetheart so nothing happened between the two of us (it wasn't from a lack of her trying though). Then I went to college and she moved to the big city. Fast forward 14 years to last spring; I see her ok the friends list of one of my good friends, so I thought "Why not?" And sent her a friend request. She accepted and messaged me a few days later. The rest is history. 

I don't blame people for trying to work things out with their spouse, but for me, I just couldn't once I found out she was cheating. That was it for me. I divorced her and never looked back. If I had tried to work things out, it would have sent the wrong message: that I'll put up with and forgive anything. That I don't have standards. That she can do what she wants with no consequences. That didn't sit well with me. And I think me walking away and not looking back forced her to evaluate her decisions. Last weekend I had my daughter and she said she wanted her mom and I to get back together again. I said it's never going to happen; I'm happier being divorced and I said I'm sure her mommy is too. Then she said, "How do you KNOW Mommy is happier?" That brought me up short. I said, "Well, I guess I don't know for sure, but I can imagine she is. Either way, this is what I want. I want to see where things go with GF."

I thought that whole exchange was a little weird for a 5 year old, but I dealt with it pretty good I think. I told her I will always love her no matter what and that she will always come first on my life, and she knows it.

Interesting times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Baseballmom6

Things do and have gotten better for me but I have been wondering something lately. 

I was married for more than half my life (27 years) and I still think about my Ex almost every single day. It is usually right before I go to sleep or as soon as I wake up or other times of the day when it gets quiet. I am in a relationship now so this makes me feel guilty. I divorced my husband after I discovered his latest affair.

I never want to be back with the Ex so I don't understand why I continue to think about him. Sometimes, I think about the good times and other times I think about all the crap he has done to me over the years.

When will the constant thinking about him stop?


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## toolforgrowth

It never truly stops, it just slows down. How long have you been divorced?

Give it more time. I've been apart from my ex for a year and a half now and I still think of her often. I went to IC for over a year, and he said it's natural. You spent all those years developing those emotional attachments, and they don't go away overnight. My GF still thinks of her ex, too. She wanted to be friends with him, she loves him but more like a brother or close friend...nothing romantic at all. And it makes her sad that he's somewhat resisting that. It doesn't mean she wants him over me, or that she's not madly in love with me. But she's still mourning the loss of someone who was once close to her. You still are too.

Have you ever had a close family member die? Do you completely stop thinking about them? No, you don't. But it lessens as time goes on.

It doesn't make you wrong. It just makes you human.  As long as it doesn't interfere with your current relationship. If it does, you may want to reevaluate.

When I'm in the arms of my GF, and when I'm holding her in mine, my ex is the farthest thing from my mind. That doesn't mean I hope she doesn't find happiness in this world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

Good post TFG---- Just remember, there will be a time where you will have to convert from the "I love how she makes me feel" stage to the "I choose to love you" stage. Be aware of it, and when that time comes, do the work to transcend that hurdle. (usually about 2 years after the relationship starts)


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## toolforgrowth

There's more to it than that for me. I can't help but love her. It's not just how she makes me feel...it's who she is. Her values, and belief systems, and her likes and dislikes. I can't help but love her. But to me, that's what makes it even more special. 

Doesn't mean we're blindly moving forward too quickly. We have taken things VERY slowly and sensibly. But that's another thing I love about her: she's responsible and pragmatic. And so am I. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

> There's more to it than that for me. I can't help but love her. It's not just how she makes me feel...it's who she is. Her values, and belief systems, and her likes and dislikes. I can't help but love her. But to me, that's what makes it even more special.
> 
> Doesn't mean we're blindly moving forward too quickly. We have taken things VERY slowly and sensibly. But that's another thing I love about her: she's responsible and pragmatic. And so am I.


Right. All of that still falls into the, "I love how you make me feel." Who she is---makes you feel. Just like I am with my GF. It is amazing. However, when you start to live life under the same roof and life proceeds, there will be a time when you have to "choose" to love. You will have to do the action, and the emotion will follow. It's a deliberate action. It happens in all relationships. 

I am just saying be aware of it, and don't be confused when it comes. As long as she is a person who is understanding of commitment, you guys should be fine.


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## Baseballmom6

Hey tool,

Well it hasn't even been a year since D-Day. Been only 7 months since divorce. I know that deep down I will always love him but have no desire to be with him. He was and always will be a liar and a cheater. 

That said, however, he still affects me in some ways. Just had a good cry a few minutes ago when I learned that he has already had my name taken off of his arm. He had a tattoo of a heart with a blank ribbon through it when we got married. On year 25 he surprised me by having my name tattooed in the ribbon and told me that it was his way of showing me that he will always love me. Well I learned today that he has already covered up my name. Wow, 25 years to get it there and less than a year to get it off (probably being pressured by POS OW that he is with now). But really, less than a year? I have his name tattooed on me also (on my hip) but when I thought about taking it off I said why should I, after all I have spent 27 years and had 2 kids with the man. Guess he doesn't think that was important to him. Wow, that really hurts!

Some days I think I want to be friends with him for the sake of our children but as long as POS OW is in the picture I know that will never happen. If, however, he were with anyone else then I could see it being a possibility.


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## toolforgrowth

I couldn't be friends with my XW, but am friendLY. When we communicate I am polite and respectful, and she is the same. For example, just last night our daughter lost her first tooth at my house. I texted her and told her that, and that our daughter was very excited. She was happy I let her know. I know I would want her to let me know if our situations were reversed. Basically, I treat her how I would want to be treated.

But I'm also short and to the point. I don't make extra small talk. I said "Thought you might want to know, D's tooth came out. She's very excited. Have a good night " and left it at that. 

I'm a year and a half from the separation, over a year past D-Day. The divorce was final in December, but we had been separated almost a year at that point anyway. I'm used to the way things are, and I prefer it this way. 

About the tattoo...I'm somewhat surprised your BF hasn't mentioned the tattoo of your XH on your hip yet. I know I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who was holding a candle for their ex. Unless parameters had been established and both parties knew it was NSA, but you said you're in a relationship and I don't sense that's the case here.

A couple things: 1) you can't blame your XH for removing the tattoo. You guys are divorced. I'm not condoning his affair (trust me, I've been there) but once divorce is final...what either of you two do is your own business. But I can understand why it hurts, for sure. 2) You have no idea what he's thinking, unless he's actually telling you. And would it make any difference if he did? You said yourself that you wouldn't take him back after what he did. He probably knows that. And if he does, it's only natural that he would try to move on, just like you are.

People move at different speeds. Move at the speed that YOU are comfortable with. This isn't a race, and right now, it's about you and your BF, not your XH.  It'll get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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