# Complicated madness



## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

I would like to preface this by saying.. please leave the judgements at the door. I'm aware of my actions, and I'm aware of the actions of others in this scenario. I'm not saying any of it is "right", but it is what happened and where I'm at.

I posted on here a long time ago about how my wife's resentment of me was costing us our marriage. I won't drag that back up, lets just say.. things never changed. She did cheat on me, and I forgave her, and things still didn't change.

At one point me and my wife had a talk, and she told me that she thought I'd be better off with someone who was into the same things, had the same goals, etc. 

That was the conversation that did it in for me.

I started talking to a female friend of mine. It was harmless to begin with, just friendly banter. Eventually that moved into other stuff, and we got closer and closer. I started telling her things about my life, and she about hers. The kicker? She's married too.

She started telling me about her problems as well. She and her husband were having troubles in the bedroom. She told me that she was no longer interested in him like that, and they were in therapy to try to fix it. She said she thought it was just her, and that the therapy could help her. However, it wasn't really changing. She said he just disgusted her. She didn't want him touching her, or being affectionate etc.

I finally came to the conclusion that I just wasn't happy where I was. I should have got out of my marriage first, but I didn't. We wound up meeting up for a "meeting". Nothing happened, but a connection was made, which would lead to something happening soon after.

Fast forward, and we have been seeing each other for months now. My wife moved out (she knows, but she doesn't know all the details) and we are pending a divorce. The other girls husband still (I have no idea how) doesn't know (or is in denial) and she's told me that she isn't happy with him, but for some reason continues to stay. He's the provider of the house, and she's more of a home maker who does odd jobs for spending money. Without going into the reasons behind why they are having issues. She says she's not in love with him and just feels trapped there. 

She's not able to just up and leave, due to financial bearing, which I understand.. but that's not a good reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

she's started seeking advice from others.. Her mom, other family members.. and they've all told her.. don't leave him, for someone else.. leave him because you are unhappy. The problem is, she can't... not without finding a job etc. I get that this shouldn't be an issue if you really want out, but when you've been in a relationship for this long and haven't had to work.. (not a regular job, she's an actress) then I can see why that would make things scary for you.

However, its not fair to either me nor her husband to keep this going like this. I've fallen in love with her, and I think we would be great together if circumstances were/could be different. I made some of the choices I did in the last parts of my marriage because of the connection I felt with her. She opened my eyes to the idea of being happy. She said I did the same for her. However, here I am.. wifeless, and she's still living at home with her husband whom she says she doesn't love anymore but cannot make up her mind on what she wants to do. She told me she wanted to start a new life with me, and then the very next day she was back to being unsure.

She's now told her mom, and a few other close family/friends and her mom told her that she should try to work it out with her husband (which I understand). She told her also if she did choose to leave, that she do it because she wants to.. not because of someone else. I agree with that as well. Her divorced cousin told her to leave him, because whatever it is that's causing her to falter isn't going to just magically fix itself and she'll wind up just continuing it with someone else, if it isn't me. She's torn on what to do, and I understand that.. but what do I do? I love her. I think we'd make a happy couple despite "how" we came to be that. I'm willing to support her to an extent if she were to leave him, but she also keeps telling me that "what if I leave him and we don't last a year?". Well, what's better? Being happy for a year, or miserable for 50? Nobody knows the future. 

She told me if she did decide to stay with him she'd never tell him about us. I get that, but to me.. just hiding it from him is hurting him and if her goal is to not hurt him, than she's not doing him any favors. I also feel like he should get a choice too. He's not being given anything, as he doesn't know. What would he do if he knew? Probably the same thing I'd do.. leave. I could have told him, and my ex threatened to tell him several times (she hasn't). 

I don't want to lose her like that, and I feel like him being told by anybody but her would just cause her to run back to him out of guilt. I personally feel like her marriage is over, and she just needs to get out while he's being ok with it. They don't have kids, and she owns nothing but her own personal stuff so there's nothing complicated. 

I am just stuck because if she really "does" want to work on stuff with him, its never going to work while she's still trying to moonlight with me. This is the first glimpse of happiness I've had in 5 years, so its hard for me to just cut her off. She's bounced back and forth since last week. I will see her all this weekend, and I don't know what to do. I just want to be with her. I realize that's selfish of me, since she's married.. but its just rough.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

And this is why you don't sleep with married women/men.

Listen to yourself. She cheated on her husband with you. There is no version of this story where you two ride off into the sunset together. Chalk this up as a learning experience and maybe finalize your divorce and try to meet someone that isn't married.


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

randomguy1 said:


> She told me she wanted to start a new life with me, and then the very next day she was back to being unsure.


So to distill this down to its bare essentials: She gets the financial security of her husband, and the emotional/sexual satisfaction of you. Why would she leave this situation?

Your choices are simple: Keep going as-is, or cut things off completely with her and move on.

Just simply tell her you love her and would like nothing more than to start crafting a life together but that you can't continue on while she's still married.

You went from an unsatisfying marriage straight into an unsatisfying relationship. Is this how you want to live your life?


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## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

^spot on^. Move on with your life... only get involved with her if she leaves her husband and gets out on her own (i.e. doesn't call you crying ask to move in).


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

I kind of agree with Indecision. But I also understand how you feel. It is up to you to give her some time, however long or short you are willing to give before you move on and start your own grieving process and heal your heart. 

Have you spoken to her about how you feel towards building a long term relationship with her? Ask her about her fear of holding back? Maybe you should talk to her about that? 

To be honest, she is probably fear of jumping into another relationship due to hurt, worry about happiness don't ever last. I am sure she fell in love the same way with her husband, but look what happen now? What will make a different with you long term? Financially if she has been a homemaker, she wouldn't lose out leaving her husband, unless you are saying her husband is financially stronger than you, that also means the life style and financial support from you will not be as comfortable as where she is now. I know it is a shallow thinking but believe me.... as you said it is scary financially when she has never pull the weight financially herself. 

How her family and in-laws will react to her decision to cut the string may also be another stress factor for her. 

Not to make you feel bad... but I am quite sure she is also comparing all the good and bad qualities you can offer and what her husband can offer, e.g. what you can and cannot offer to her personality wise, what her husband does that she likes that you don't do, social status, her mom likes him, he let her go out with friends without insecurity... all sort of things (maybe sexual too... but really depends on the person). She only mention about his bad things to you.... I am sure she didn't disclose any good things she likes about him too to keep her in the marriage, and trust me, there are. 

You also need to take care of yourself. Given the current situation, are you still happy? You don't want to be a male version of a mistress for too long, it will only make you feel miserable as a man.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I wonder if you are really in love with her or if she was satisfying a need you had, a need you were not getting from your marriage, the need to talk, to be close and intimate and to share your misery. I wonder if it wouldn't be healthy to chalk this one up to rebound and move on. Get some distance from her. This will allow you to really get a grasp on what you are feeling and what your boundaries are. Sounds like you are a bit lost in this relationship as well, wanting something that she is not willing to give. 

I think (and have felt this way) that we can easily fall into an abyss when we are contemplating divorce, we are like a vacuum because we are so miserable, that when something clicks with someone else, we grasp onto it for life, and then we mistake that feeling for love, but really it's another type of codependency. I know when I realized my marriage was falling apart, I felt like I was grasping onto the side of a mountain with my nails dug in, and anyone willing to reach a hand out to me, I would have gladly taken it. 

You left your wife because you were unhappy, not because you were in love with someone else. I think perhaps the best thing for you to do is get some perspective, but also be really clear about what you want. You want her, without being attached to her husband, so until she is able to let go of that piece, you are not interested. It's not an ultimatum, it's just being really clear about how you want to live. Otherwise you end up being a doormat, and that is never attractive. She will respect you more if you stand up for yourself and your needs. If it doesn't work out and she stays with him, you now can move on to another relationship which will hopefully not involve you being manipulated.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'll say first that my understanding is that relationships born during existing committed relationships have INCREDIBLY high failure rates. Mostly because they get to exist in fantasy world. No real pressures, no stress, no life struggles, just sneaking out and having fun and sharing dreams. It's all magical pixie dust stuff. Is any such relationship that starts that way 100% doomed? No of course not, but remember that 2nd marriages fail at an even higher rate than 1st marriages, and those that are born from adultery fail even more spectacularly.

With that said, knowing that you'd like to make something work with her, I think you ultimately have to walk away. If she can't commit to a timetable for ending things with her husband, then no question in my mind, you have to walk away. For starters, you have to value yourself more than that. Second, you should do right by her and her husband and stop interfering in a marriage that she is more committed to than her relationship with you. Third, as was mentioned above by others, it forces her to make a decision by removing her ability to "have her cake and eat it too." So it's very possible that losing you cold turkey like, now not having anyone to sneak out with, to text with when he leaves the room, to speak to in the bathroom quietly while he's out mowing the lawn or something, not to mention the thrill that comes from the naughtiness of it all, that's a big loss. It'll be a bit of a shock to her system and allow her to see more clearly what her life is offering her right now without you in it. Perhaps she decides to give her marriage one last effort, or maybe she realizes what she's lost and she decides to end it instead and come back to you. Either scenario is better all around than what you have right now.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Honestly, I hope it hurts and you get what your deserve. You were a fool to messing with a married women especially after you just had what your doing done to you. You come here and expect support? Your now no worse then your ex wife. Good job.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think you know the answer to this, but finding it hard to make, because you developed an emotional entanglement to a woman that makes you feel good compared to how you felt at home. Now you left an unhappy arrangement only to be in another unhappy arrangement.

You were ready to leave...but it sounds like she isn't. You owe to the husband--regardless of all the demonizing she may have spoke about him--the right to have a chance at marriage without an interloper standing by. I know she probably made him out to be the villain and you the white knight, but now you are in a position of being a villain.  She is caught in the middle which seems that she is not able to follow through of what she may have previously had promised or some other verbal sign of intent to leave him.

The truth is that she just made you feel good, nothing more. You both have been using each other to feel better. She is not a happy person...thus will not be able to make you happy either...just as you are unable to make her happy...in spite of the high elation she make you feel right now..SO VERY TEMPORARY!!! Go off and be happy by yourself...give the poor woman the blessing of releasing her to do her best to salvage her marriage and you go salvage yourself...and actually HEAL from your own busted marriage. Jumping from one relationship...to another with a married woman...not a good sign of healthy thinking. You need to get healthy, bro.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Can any man truly love and respect a woman who has cheated on her husband? I ask in all sincerity. Do you not realize that when (if) you are truly together you will always have a bit of fear and doubt about her commitment to you? Is that something you can really live with? 

While I can't say that I respect either of your choices, I will try to set that aside and suggest that you stop being a door mat. Be clear with her that you want a long term commitment and right now, today, end all physical contact with her. You have no right to this woman. You may want her, but you have no right to her. In the depths of her heart, she cannot respect that action and will see it as weakness. If you have any real hope at something lasting with her, you have to set boundaries. 

I won't try to appeal to your sense of obligation toward her husband as you apparently feel you have none. Just appealing to your own desire as you have described it. Pay attention to what everyone here is saying. Your chances with her are pretty slim to begin with. It sounds like you've had your own share of pain. Save yourself a bit more and start thinking with your head instead of your heart. 

I do hope you will find the strength to turn from this road. My best advice is to end the relationship, spend some time just being you, find out what you really want in life, and then consider sharing it with someone who loves you rather than just needs and uses you.

I know that's not what you want to hear but you did come here asking for advice. Take it for what it's worth to you.


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