# My wife wants a break, please help!



## Itsnoteasy1 (Feb 22, 2014)

I am expecting pretty huge criticism about the state of my marriage. We eloped last year. We continued to live with our respective parents and have been looking for an apartment. She got a job just a few months ago and now I finally got hired for a very good paying job just this past week. I start in march. Anyway, she expressed a few times that I didn't treat her like I used to when we first started dating. I acknowledged what she was saying but apparently I did not make the changes she wanted because now she is asking for a "break".

So last Tuesday was her birthday. We talked on the phone prior and I THOUGHT that we had agreed that our schedules would conflict on that day. (her birth day). She had to drop people off at night shift work and babysit her brothers. I was busy during the day. So instead I spent time with her Monday the day before her birthday. Well I wished her happy birthday multiple times, got breakfast with her, and had sex with her (per her request) that day. The day after, I, in all honesty, forgot to wish her a happy birthday first thing in the morning. I waited until I was finished with my business to call and by that point, she was too far gone and did not even answer.

She did not contact me until the next day and we argued and fought about me ignoring her on her birthday for the whole day. I got defensive because I thought that everything I had done on Monday had made up for Tuesday and I thought that she already knew we wouldn't see each other Tuesday. As it turns out, she told me that what she was actually trying to tell me was that we could not go out on a date or do anything too special on Tuesday. That did NOT mean she did not want to see me or spend time with me! This was a huge misunderstanding on my part and also pretty negligent. Not only did I forget about her for half the day, I did not go to see her. All I did was leave a happy birthday voice-mail at 8pm. 

I realize now how arrogant I was and especially to argue over it and defend myself so much when she confronted me. 

Well eventually she told me she needs a break. She sent me a text later asking if I wanted my ring back. Then she asked what would happen if she wanted a divorce now. I told her I'd be so incredibly upset that I hurt her so bad. Eventually she realized that I had a misunderstanding and that I thought she told me we could not see one another on her birthday but she still said she thinks we should go on a break then see a couples therapist after the break. 

At the very least it seems like she does not want to leave me and wants to work things out.



I agree that this whole living apart thing is not working out for us. We desperately need to find some arrangement where we can live together and I think this is half or 90% of the problem. The other part is that I stopped treating my wife like a rose. I stopped doing the nice things I used to do for her and used the excuse of not having money and what not. So at least I realize my fault. I also got defensive with her about the little things. 



What is your advice about this "break". I don't want to loose her in this time. I don't want her to get further distanced from me if I get too pushy and start doing things for her. If I do that she'll think I am only acting because of how upset she is and it wont be genuine. 

..but if I give her 100% space I'm afraid of loosing her. 


What can I do here in this time? I feel like I screwed up big time and I'm finally realizing how bad I hurt her and how terrible she is feeling.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Yeeeeahh... maybe you should have done more on her birthday to make her feel special. Especially if you guys are newlyweds. That being said, it is water under the bridge at this point. You did it. So what now? 

IMHO, you're going to have to do the hardest thing possible: you have to give her the space she needs. She asked for it, respect her and give it to her. If you chase her, hound her, text/call/email, etc., she'll go the other way. You're gonna have to dig reeeeeal deep and let her go (when I say that, I mean give her space) and trust that maybe she'll find her way back to you. 

Next, use the time you have apart very wisely. No matter how much you worry about it, you cannot control her or what she's thinking, nor will you know what she's thinking during this time. You should use the time to take a hard look at yourself and think about what you can do to be a better husband to her. Figure out what changes you need to make the relationship better. Think about her side, then think about yours, then think of a plan to get you there. 

If she comes back (and she probably will), present your plan to her. Tell her what you plan to do to be better. Then do it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry but come on, is she 12? You celebrated her birthday. I can't imagine breaking up or separating because of this. Is there more to your story or is she very dramatic?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Why did you get married when the both of you didn't have employment and a place to live together? How old are you two?


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## Itsnoteasy1 (Feb 22, 2014)

mablenc said:


> I'm sorry but come on, is she 12? You celebrated her birthday. I can't imagine breaking up or separating because of this. Is there more to your story or is she very dramatic?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No, she's not 12 and "celebrated her birthday" is not exactly how she feels. I met her in the morning while she was getting her car fixed and spent time with her. She was hungry and so we went to share a meal. She is the one who paid because at the moment, I am unemployed. (...until march that is since I got the software engineering job I interviewed for!) Plus later that day, we had sex but she felt like I made it about me because I finished before her?! (This is a major reason I argued and defended myself. I tried my hardest to put every ounce of effort into pleasing her. I did not finish before her on purpose!! The foreplay was great and a few other details that I believed displayed my thoughtfulness towards her..)

I'm sure she now realizes that I did not see her Tuesday, the day of her birthday, because we had a miscommunication. I THOUGHT she had told me she would be too busy to see me but, as it turns out, all she was saying is that we could not go out to dinner or do anything "extra" because she had to stay and babysit at home. 

So, in other words, I believe she is hurt because of the way I argued with her in my defense. Things got pretty nasty over the phone. No cursing or anything, but a lot of defensiveness on my part and pointing out of her flaws in my defense. THIS is what she is fed up with and why she asked for a break. NOT just for her birthday. 

I haven't taken her out on a date or done anything particularly special for her in MONTHS.


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## Itsnoteasy1 (Feb 22, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Why did you get married when the both of you didn't have employment and a place to live together? How old are you two?


I think at this time this is a mute point. We had our reasons but we failed to make any type of plan and so in that sense it was a rather unintelligent idea. That, however, does not remove the fact that we got married out of love. 

I understand that part of love is being able to support one another and so that is why I believe it was "unintelligent ". I don't think, however, that this should mean a divorce or a dissolution of our "unintelligent" decision. 

I will be starting a job and will be capable helping my wife financially too now.


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## Itsnoteasy1 (Feb 22, 2014)

Love2326 said:


> Yeeeeahh... maybe you should have done more on her birthday to make her feel special. Especially if you guys are newlyweds. That being said, it is water under the bridge at this point. You did it. So what now?
> 
> IMHO, you're going to have to do the hardest thing possible: you have to give her the space she needs. She asked for it, respect her and give it to her. If you chase her, hound her, text/call/email, etc., she'll go the other way. You're gonna have to dig reeeeeal deep and let her go (when I say that, I mean give her space) and trust that maybe she'll find her way back to you.
> 
> ...


This is my general idea. I've been doing research and I am attempting to adopt the ideals of the "180" plan. 

Dont persue reason, chase, beg, plead, implore
No freaquent phone calls
Dont ask for help from wife's family (did that before.. not good)
Dont buy gifts
Dont keep saying I love you
Dont sit around wating on my spouse
Make yourself be someone they would actually want to be around
Dont argue at all!
Be consistent
Take care of myself, excersise, sleep... ext...

It is absolutely NOT easy though. I love her so much and the urge to just call her is ridiculous.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married?

Honestly, you screwed up royally on her birthday. The first words out of your mouth that day should have been "Happy birthday, love!". There's no excuse for failing to do that.

Second, the fact that you're not "dating" each other while you're married but living apart is another major mistake/issue. You MUST change that as soon as you can. It doesn't have to be expensive. Just do something where your focus is bonding time with each other. Not just sex, although that would be a great way to end a date! 

Your families do know you're married, right?

C


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## Itsnoteasy1 (Feb 22, 2014)

PBear said:


> How long did you date before you got married?
> 
> Honestly, you screwed up royally on her birthday. The first words out of your mouth that day should have been "Happy birthday, love!". There's no excuse for failing to do that.
> 
> ...


Yes, they know we are married for sure. I've stayed with my wife a few times here and there for a week at a time.. but I never felt like moving in to her parents was right. I feel like I'd impose myself on them. I don't want to be an added "child" or burden on them.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Itsnoteasy1 said:


> This is my general idea. I've been doing research and I am attempting to adopt the ideals of the "180" plan.
> 
> Dont persue reason, chase, beg, plead, implore
> No freaquent phone calls
> ...


OK regarding the 180, yes. You're on the right path. Don't be a **** about it though (by being nonchalant when she tries to talk to you... you still gotta show her you care), but make it a clean 180. In sum, tell her you'll give her the time she needs and cut it. Yes, it will be hard as hell (I've done it too). But my point was, you have to use this time wisely! Focus on YOU during the 180 time. What do you need to do to fix yourself? What do you want out of this marriage? What can you do to get what you want and what she wants? Workout, sleep, eat right, etc. If she sees you improving yourself, she'll want to be a part of that. 

Take it one day at a time.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Also, if you guys get to the point of reconciliation, you have to fix this living situation. Live like a married couple. Be a married couple. Go all in. Trick is: she has to go all in too.


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## Itsnoteasy1 (Feb 22, 2014)

Just to let you guys know, I buckled down this weekend and left her alone and just used the time to work on my self and to start working up a plan for my wife and I for the future. 

Well my wife called me up and met up with me today for, of all things, TAXES!  Well after filing taxes, we talked a bit over the phone and she let out how she was feeling and she reaffirmed what I was thinking this weekend. ... That I haven't been truly *loving* her with my whole heart. Rather, I've been letting my own insecurities infect the marriage by being controlling in some respects (noting abusive, just generally not treating her the best I can) and generally not treating her like the rose she is. I've been missing the point of LOVE. (all my own words here) Because true love isn't when you force someone to do/not do things or when you do stuff for them just to get your "reward" (whatever that is.. sex/affection/cake?) ..

... (obviously, you can see that simply missing her birthday wasn't the only problem here... albeit the tipping point) 



So anyway, thanks for the advice, she came around and reconciled with me. We are still on "break", but I know she loves me and she wants this to work. I just need to give it my all and remind myself that I need to treat her better every day!

Thanks for the help everyone.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

ItsNot, EXCELLENT! Keep it up. You can only work on YOURSELF. She has her work to do on herself, and you focus on YOU. Stay focused!!! As you make yourself better, the relationship will be better. Hang in there!


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