# How would you feel about this ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

When we separated it was x's decision and yep it was basically my fault due to an EA and hurting her, there was lots of other junk and stress in us to but that was the biggie.
l think splitting was a cop out though and shouldn't have happened , we were easily savable .
But l'm still at the house , we tossed and turned about it but because l work from a home workshop it'd be too hard to find a rental .
She also said she feels so bad at doing this anyway , she'd rather l kept the house as l worked that herd to get it for us but , she did too but admittedly l did go a lot because l also had work problems, new area , and had to start a business eventually .

The house is a renovator and it was gonna be our project , her and me . We did 2 others before we lost our money and this was a new start for our family.

She said to be fair she wanted me to have the house , the lot, she'd walk away.
l just couldn't believe this on top of everything else , couldn't believe it. 
Our new , well old new family home that we went to hell and back for for 4 yrs to get and 15 mths later, this !

l said l can't keep the whole house , you worked so hard for us too , l couldn't do that . So , she said well if your sure then you just give me whatever percentage you think when we sell it.
Yeah l know , despite the hurt and everything this split has done , l spose l can't complain compared to what most guys get left with , l know .
But on that part above , l still don't know just what to feel about it . Her wanting to just give it to me and stuff.
l mean her rental is my daughters new main home now and she's flat broke to boot . l couldn't keep it all could l ?

The other thing is , 9mths and the house still puts me into tears sometimes. l see things , her things or our plans for this or that or something she was going to do next but didn't . lt's still all so upsetting.
Can l complain though ?
l dunno , l don't want the whole house , l don't want to finish it alone or any of this . What l wanted was to put our family back together .
At times l still feel so much anger at her for doing this too. It's on one ac and sometimes l'll stumble on something out somewhere , same emotions.
Even with everything , then her fairness on all this , l still feel like roaring - FK YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME , fk you and spitting in her face .
Unfortunately we co parent though of course and even if we never R , there's still that side of whatever relationship we do have for yrs to come. But l really do , badly . 
9 mths and l still have so much trouble getting it all into perspective. Sometimes l wish it was me in that damn no issues rental !


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I do not understand why you are mad at her? You had the affair, she's letting you have what you want. What's the bif? You should be mad at yourself for such thoughts and behavior. Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much is your equity in the house?

Have the two of you even filed for divorce yet?

What was the equity in the house on the day she moved out?
What is it today?

How much $$ have you put into the house since she left?

If she does not want any, there is no problem with you taking it all.

The house seems to fit your lifestyle better than hers. So keep it if that's what she wants. 

Until the day the divorce is signed she could change her mind and want her half of the equity.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I do not understand why you are mad at her? You had the affair, she's letting you have what you want. What's the bif? You should be mad at yourself for such thoughts and behavior. Just saying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And l appreciate you sayin it to.
But nah , l wanted our family and our 18yrs together to get past this and on with our family , our house , our life and we could've.
l sure didn't want it like this.
Don't know if l have the right to but l also feel so angry at her for taking this way out to and of course it also hurts a lot .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How much is your equity in the house?
> 
> Have the two of you even filed for divorce yet?
> 
> ...




Would you just keep it Ele, l must be soft 

Any equity by the time it's sold would work out about a 70/30 split my fav, all things considered .

ps , btw would you agree with Tracy Ele ?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry you are in pain, and I'm not trying to be mean, but this was your doing. You don't control her or her emotions. You don't get to determine how someone else deals with your infidelity. She is out of the marriage and that is simply not your call.
As to giving you the house, I think that is an emotional decision on her part that she will regret down the road and it may cause resentment further on down the line.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> I'm sorry you are in pain, and I'm not trying to be mean, but this was your doing. You don't control her or her emotions. You don't get to determine how someone else deals with your infidelity. She is out of the marriage and that is simply not your call.
> As to giving you the house, I think that is an emotional decision on her part that she will regret down the road and it may cause resentment further on down the line.



Thanks Pluto. Yeah the house was emotional, guilt for leaving, and that l went through a lot more than she did to get it.
l decided l think l couldn't keep it all though . She went through so much to and she's still helping big financially or we would have lost it. lt was a 2 wage deal for the first 3 yrs see
do wish she'd at least come out and help me finish the damn thing of though.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think she's being too nice, if it was you who had the EA, why is she continuing to get the short end of the stick?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

mablenc said:


> I think she's being too nice, if it was you who had the EA, why is she continuing to get the short end of the stick?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, the sticks not my doing , that's how she wanted it, l actually said no that's not fair on you.
The EA , well she found herself an om before she left anyway and kept seeing him for 6mths that l know of , not sure if still now or not . So she's well and truly paid me my dues on that one.


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## barrett82 (Jun 11, 2013)

How is it that you went through so much more to get the house? It sounds like you may have gone through a lot trying to gain a steady income but those are two different things. If she worked consistently while you moved around trying to find work. Who came up with the money to start your busin it seems like she may have carried a huge burden during that time.....I'm just sayin'
You don't seem to appreciate her contributions to the family even though she is currently taking care of your daughter. 
You say she has guilt for leaving you? Are you sure about that?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

barrett82 said:


> How is it that you went through so much more to get the house? It sounds like you may have gone through a lot trying to gain a steady income but those are two different things. If she worked consistently while you moved around trying to find work. Who came up with the money to start your busin it seems like she may have carried a huge burden during that time.....I'm just sayin'
> You don't seem to appreciate her contributions to the family even though she is currently taking care of your daughter.
> You say she has guilt for leaving you? Are you sure about that?



Hey Barrett.
Guilt , she's told me dozens of times how bad it is.
We both take care of my d and costs but she is there more than here and we decided her main home should be with mum.
The rest , yeah they are very very big points and l did point all that out to her .
But we restarted here you see and she scored a good job a mth later and yeah that did carry us a lot too on and off.
but it's just things like no l payed for the business , got the finance for the house , did all the work on the house and we bought 2blocks as well and l put a cabin on one of those plus built up the business .
lt was hell for a long time . l started 2 other businesses that didn't work out a long the way too.
And being a rural area , it took me 6mths of brain twisting bank and broker garbage to even get that fince for the house.
But yeah she had her job right through too , and she went through all my stuff with me and looked after d more and the house. She did a bucket load of a lot of our stuff too . Another reason why l didn't wanna keep the whole house .


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> When we separated it was x's decision and yep it was basically my fault due to an EA and hurting her, there was lots of other junk and stress in us to but that was the biggie.





> l still feel like roaring - FK YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME , fk you and spitting in her face .


So ... you had an affair on your marriage and you're mad at her for not wanting anything to do with you? I really suggest you get some IC going and work on the bold part I quoted below.



> l still have so much trouble getting it all into *perspective*.!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> Would you just keep it Ele, l must be soft
> 
> Any equity by the time it's sold would work out about a 70/30 split my fav, all things considered .
> 
> ps , btw would you agree with Tracy Ele ?


If you sell the house what comes of your business?

How would you support yourself if you lost the business?

I do agree with Tracy that you had an affair and thus you causes serious problems with your marriage. You wife decided that she did not want to be married to a cheater. 

As I recall your affair was carried out in your home with your wife in the other room.. it was not "just" an EA you were partying and making out hot and heavy with the house guest OW over a period of time in your home.

That's about as disrespectful of your wife as it gets.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

06Daddio08 said:


> So ... you had an affair on your marriage and you're mad at her for not wanting anything to do with you? I really suggest you get some IC going and work on the bold part I quoted below.



You think Dadio.
Most have thought that. Have been getting help , here and counseling.
l guess l just feel that yeah l did but l wanted to make up for it , l wanted to save our family.
Where as if a person breaks up a family under those circumstances , without saying a word for 2 yrs , it's irresponsible , selfish , quitting. 
But l dunno , l still wrestle with that side day in and out.
l know l shouldn't be by now , wish l could just shake it.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I think it is good you are remorseful and wish to salvage your marriage. I respect that. However, you should not be angered by your spouse's actions. She did what she felt she needed to do in order for her to be happy. That is also respectful.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If you sell the house what comes of your business?
> 
> How would you support yourself if you lost the business?
> 
> ...


Thanks Ele
And yep , yep and yep, it was major . Although now not that l'm making excuses but we had x and me , basically been ;living as friends more than h and w for a couple of yrs . Everything had gotton the better of us.

But you know even a female friend said to me only just today , but you didn't s;leep with her did you and you and x hadn't been good for a fair while/
Well l know it's not good enough but that was basically how l viewed it to. No sex just laughs and fun. 
No we never made out as such, there was a slip up once but that didn't get far and never happened again. 
But whichever way you cut it , it was still a major f up , there's no way round that one l know.

The business l can re'set up again at whatever l buy next. Can't really do it in a rental though.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> I think it is good you are remorseful and wish to salvage your marriage. I respect that. However, you should not be angered by your spouse's actions. She did what she felt she needed to do in order for her to be happy. That is also respectful.



Thanks Tracy . l sort of get it but , on the other hand , if l did what l felt l needed to do do be happy then we wouldn't have had a family left yrs ago , l don't think there'd be any families left.
life's about 3 happiness's in a family , not just one , so l dunno.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

No. Life is not about a happy marriage. Nobody is responsible for your happiness. You are. It was your choice to deal with the issues in your marriage the way you did. It was your choice to seek happiness outside of your marriage instead of creating it in your own. A happy marriage doesn't just happen. It is work and allot of it. It means putting your spouse's needs ahead of yours at times and vice versa. It means never giving up on each other. It means letting go of the things that didn't work out and trying again and again and again. Life is about living. And to live you must have the ups and downs or you will have had nothing. You can choose right now to learn from this and become a better person, or you can choose to remain stuck and never let go. You choose.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: How would you feel about this ?*



whitehawk said:


> l guess l just feel that yeah l did but l wanted to make up for it.


Nothing to make up. Life has consequences, some which are a done deal when committed.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Sorry for your situation. If she immediately quit when she found out about the EA, then she probably was on the brink of leaving anyway. Is it possible that she was having an EA with the OM at the same time? While none of us can say we deserve a Mulligan for our marriage, most people that feel an emotional connection that have been betrayed want to reconnect. This may have been the straw that broke the camels back or she may have already had one foot out the door. Either way, be thankful that she is being fair about the divorce, most people are not in this situation. 

Now you need to concentrate on you and your children. Try to look within yourself that you allowed yourself to get in the EA and take actions to prevent such things in the future. I recommend exercise as a way to relieve stress and make a healthier you. If you own your own business, invest time and energy here to put you in a better financial situation for whatever lies ahead.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> No. Life is not about a happy marriage. Nobody is responsible for your happiness. You are. It was your choice to deal with the issues in your marriage the way you did. It was your choice to seek happiness outside of your marriage instead of creating it in your own. A happy marriage doesn't just happen. It is work and allot of it. It means putting your spouse's needs ahead of yours at times and vice versa. It means never giving up on each other. It means letting go of the things that didn't work out and trying again and again and again. Life is about living. And to live you must have the ups and downs or you will have had nothing. You can choose right now to learn from this and become a better person, or you can choose to remain stuck and never let go. You choose.


You should've talked to w Trace , l believe in trying again and again to l devoted 18yrs of my life to x. l nursed her through 100's of migraines, dunno how many opps ,hospitals . 
l aslo did and went through you wouldn't believe what else for her. This was the first time ever l dropped the ball.
You could make a marriage work with try again and again, l hope you have , that's was my modo too. And l was ready and willing to do whatever it took because that's what l believe.
l would have easily gone on from this if that was her , especially with me insisting everything was fine , over and over .
l would have excepted that in 18yrs , neglect , one of us will f up. l'd want to forgive for that and put us back together because that's what marriage is about.

No walking out for one bad yr is not trying again and again, that's weak , it's quitting. My parents went through 20 times that and so have hers. Mine were 55yrs hers are at 45. That's what marriage is , family is.
l'd forgiven her for things that were basically about the same , 2-3times and l would've again.
That's what marriage is to me.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

VFW said:


> Sorry for your situation. If she immediately quit when she found out about the EA, then she probably was on the brink of leaving anyway. Is it possible that she was having an EA with the OM at the same time? While none of us can say we deserve a Mulligan for our marriage, most people that feel an emotional connection that have been betrayed want to reconnect. This may have been the straw that broke the camels back or she may have already had one foot out the door. Either way, be thankful that she is being fair about the divorce, most people are not in this situation.
> 
> Now you need to concentrate on you and your children. Try to look within yourself that you allowed yourself to get in the EA and take actions to prevent such things in the future. I recommend exercise as a way to relieve stress and make a healthier you. If you own your own business, invest time and energy here to put you in a better financial situation for whatever lies ahead.


Yep ,she went straight from us to an om so you know-in front of my daughter . l think she'd only met him 3or 4wks before from what l could find out but then that doesn't seem right these days to me so my info may've been wrong.
Hell he could've been around for 12mths for all l really know , that's when she started going to bed at 7 every night and many other changes so , who knows, l won't ask her now.
But at any rate yeah , we both think what ever's gone down it's best for my d and all our crap to ride this mess out now as best we can.

Yeah l have been looking after myself . the business has been hard this year though and l've been trying to build it up again. As well as finish the house , look after the other place , go through all this and help my d through it , do all my x's jobs here to now so it's been a slog l'd rather forget to be honest .
But yeah l am grateful inside that we aren't one of those bitter effd up couples after all this and in lots of ways for her fairness even though this was all her doing to and it was very much a couple show for another 2yrs yet. So to not be fair right now after walking out and leaving me to hold the whole baby alone. Would make 6yrs and a lost marriage just a whole waste and we'd lose everything too so.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Whitehawk, you are minimizing your infidelity, still. You betrayed your wife, end of story. The entire "oh we didn't have sex" is a waste of time. You cheated. It is not for you or anyone else to tell your wife that she isn't trying hard enough to work on the marriage or forgive you. You made a choice. I get that your marriage wasn't great. You think your wife should try and try again. Why didn't you try again WITHIN your marriage instead of reaching out to OW? A betrayal is a betrayal and neither you or I can control how someone else will react.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Whitehawk, you are minimizing your infidelity, still. You betrayed your wife, end of story. The entire "oh we didn't have sex" is a waste of time. You cheated. It is not for you or anyone else to tell your wife that she isn't trying hard enough to work on the marriage or forgive you. You made a choice. I get that your marriage wasn't great. You think your wife should try and try again. Why didn't you try again WITHIN your marriage instead of reaching out to OW? A betrayal is a betrayal and neither you or I can control how someone else will react.


Yeah true enough pluto.
l was trying though , a lot more than her actually , just got sick of getting nothing back .
She admitted she was very slack on us our last 3 yrs.
But anyway , yep l did wrong no matter what for sure. Just wish you know .
General consensus here still seems to be suck it up though how ever we cut it, l dunno maybe your all right .


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> You should've talked to w Trace , l believe in trying again and again to l devoted 18yrs of my life to x. l nursed her through 100's of migraines, dunno how many opps ,hospitals .
> l aslo did and went through you wouldn't believe what else for her. This was the first time ever l dropped the ball.
> You could make a marriage work with try again and again, l hope you have , that's was my modo too. And l was ready and willing to do whatever it took because that's what l believe.
> l would have easily gone on from this if that was her , especially with me insisting everything was fine , over and over .
> ...


You are right it is not. But, forgiving an act of infidelity is an enormous task that many people just cannot do. If your wife had decided to stay things would never be the same if she could not forgive. She may be yours in body, but her spirit would be broken.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

That spirit stuff breaks my heart Trace .
But one thing , in that case so is she really as strong as she seems right now then or is that show ?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

She doesn't need to forgive you if she leaves you. Therefore she can just be mad at you and move on with her own life. 

I don't know your situation well enough to offer reasons as to why she feels strong after separation. Perhaps others can add some input for that.

I do know that I have read allot of posts here on how the betrayed spouse does not feel the same for their partner after the affair.


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