# Personal boundaries that dictate YOUR behavior in your marraige



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

H and I were having a discussion the other day and it was surprising to me that we had such different views on personal boundaries within a marraige. When I say personal boundaries, I am referring to the things you choose to do/not do on your own, not because your partner has asked you to, but because you personally find ir disrespectful or inappropriate in your marraige.

This came up because I manage a staff of about 30 people, and I had to send a team of two people on a 2 night trip for business. The two person team ended up being one of the single guys, who is known to be a big partier, and one of my female staff who is engaged. I could see from her face and body language when I gave them the assignment that she was uncomfortable, and on a personal level I sympathized with her because I personally would not be comfortable traveling for 2 nights with that guy since I am married. Not that he's a predator and not that she couldn't just keep everything strictly business and handle herself properly. Still, if I were in her shoes, I would have been uncomfortable. They went on the trip and nothing fishy happened (that got back to me, at least).

When I told my husband that I would personally be very bothered if I had to travel alone with a single male coworker, he thought I was nuts. I know if it was asked of me, I would go, but since I have a bit of leverage with my work travel due to my position I am lucky that I can pretty much ensure that never happens.

Some other standards I keep for myself (that my husband thinks are crazy):

I don't go to the weekly company happy hours, as they are comprised 99% of the single people in the office. I personally think it would be inappropriate for me to hang out with a bunch of singles at the bar after work.

I DO go to events outside of work that are specifically geared towards team outings for my department or professional organization events.

I will not go to bars or clubs without my husband at all, unless for a specific event like a vachelorette party and even then I check in with him often and come home at a decent time (usually before almost everyone else).

I do not like spending time alone with other men one-on-one outside of an office setting. This applies mostly to when we are out with friends. Even though the men are married and we are friends. For example we were out at an event with a big group of friends recently and my friend (male, married) and I walked up to order food for the group, while his wife and my husband stayed behind. We ended up in line for quite awhile and the cashier ended up thinking WE were husband and wife. It was an innocent mistake on her part but for some reason it made me extremely uncomfortable!

I trust my husband 100% and he's never done anything I would consider questionable, and he trusts me too. He thinks my personal standards are nuts and he's never tried to put boundaries on me in any way, and is really thinking I am odd because I came up with this stuff on my own.

So, does anyone else live this way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I do think most of these boundaries are a little overly strict, like maybe out of the 1940s? Or maybe more appropriate to some of the Arab countries I have traveled to. I especially don't see any problem with socializing with single co-workers in a group setting. Really, what's wrong with that?

And if women want to be equal in the workforce, they have to accept traveling with men (especially true of the military). 

I am curious - you were uncomfortable sending a male and female co-worker together on a business trip. What if the male co-worker was a lesbian woman instead? Would that affect your view?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I don't understand the need to have all these "rules" to "affair proof" your marriage.

I think its just really simple. 

1. Love (romantically) only your spouse/partner and respect them as much as possible and apologize when this doesn't happen. 

2. Don't let your genitals/body parts touch another person's genitals unless they are your spouses/partner. 

Easy right? Am I missing something or does it have to be more complicated than that?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Yea, I know that there are different comfort levels for different people and I've got no problem with that. Def don't judge anyone else for being more liberal. I actually didn't realize just how conservative I apparently am until I brought it up to H, who I had just assumed all these years felt similarly to me about these things.

Clearly I could never avoid all of the situations that I personally find uncomfortable and I would never object in a business setting if I were needed to travel alone with another man or whatever.

For me, the business trip I scheduled made me uncomfortable because of the specific male worker that was going. As I said, he's known to be a rowdy partier and they were traveling to a beach party town for this occasion. Again, nothing happened, but had it been me I probably would have been uncomfortable with the arrangements and perhaps asked my husband to tag along, if appropriate. 

If it were a lesbian single woman with the same personality, I would have felt the same.

And you're right - nothing inherently wrong with going to a happy hour with a bunch of singles. I just decided it wasn't right for me, mostly because the rumor mill at work is strong about all of them hooking up with each other and I wouldn't want to become part of that, both because I am married and because I am a supervisor ans don't think it would look good professionally.

Guess I really am stuck in the 50's era!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Sanity - I do think it's that simple!

For me, its more about making sure there is no appearance to those around me that I am behaving inappropriately...both as a respect thing for my husband and because I just don't like to be the object of negative attention. 

Guess I am pretty immature in that way though. I know most people will say who cares what others think!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Part of the equation is understanding your own weaknesses, and the other is reasonably avoiding what will make your spouse uncomfortable.

I avoid bar/club situations where my wife isn't present and there's lots of booze and lots of women. I know my boundaries will begin to slip in that situation.

I avoid overnight travel with female colleagues, not because we can't keep things strictly professional, but because it makes my wife uncomfortable.

I think slapping a "1940s" label on this sort of thing is unfair. To me, it's about maintaining and policing your boundaries, and respecting your spouse and marriage. Your mileage may, of course, vary.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm fairly similar in my boundaries. Much of it is also to avoid the 'perception' of inappropriate behavior. 

I do have to travel and do often have male colleagues also travelling. It's expected to have dinner together so I normally check in prior to going, then call/Skype after wards when I get to my room.

It's also respectful to my husband. This way, Hub doesn't have to deal with or worry about gossip and innuendo about his wife. 

I see and hear a lot of the gossip mill around work (even with my boundaries) and do what I can to eliminate it or at least make it where the assumptions are a complete joke.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My H and I have very strict boundaries and we love following them. The more we follow them, the more in love we feel. 
.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Yea, I know that there are different comfort levels for different people and I've got no problem with that. Def don't judge anyone else for being more liberal. I actually didn't realize just how conservative I apparently am until I brought it up to H, who I had just assumed all these years felt similarly to me about these things.
> 
> Clearly I could never avoid all of the situations that I personally find uncomfortable and I would never object in a business setting if I were needed to travel alone with another man or whatever.
> 
> ...


Can I ask you something then, Kag. Why would you schedule it like that then? My H has had his job for about 6 months where he travel. He is on a 2.5 week trip with 3 different assignment. On the last assignment it will be just him and a single female. This. The first trip like that. I was SHOCKED they arrange that. I figure with all the sexual harassment that go on these days why would they do that? Plus this is a new task for him and she is the lead so she is in authority. ughh!

My H have never given me the reason to not trust him. But I don't really get a good vibe from her when I met her at his office. He introduce me to her and she said to me when he wasn't listen "you look so young" but in such a condescending tone. 

Employer don't respect married life at all. 

ETA by the way Kag I'm in agreement with your boundaries. Why can't you apply in the workplace?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think your husband should be proud you are such a principled wife.. I mean it surely isn't going to BITE him any... 

Honestly , me & my husband has never even TALKED about this sort of thing (boundaries with the opposite sex) until I landed on this forum 3 + yrs ago...and read endless threads devoted to this subject.... friendship woes, EA's at work, etc...

We've always just been so damn *open *with each other, it was just never necessary... I can't keep anything from him ...and he's wired just the same.. We've always enjoyed our time together, even stingy with it... 

It's like our boundaries are written on our hearts to each other, that is the best way I could describe it.. .it would mean nothing to him if I was standing in a line with a friends husband -for even an hour talking...as he would KNOW- I'd give him all the highlights later on !! That's just the way I am ! And if he runs into some woman anywhere, he'd fill me in on their conversation too. We've always been this way... and it builds amazing trust. 



> *Sanity said:* I don't understand the need to have all these "rules" to "affair proof" your marriage.
> 
> I think its just really simple.
> 
> ...


This really IS how we think as well.... pretty simple....and by all means...keep the amorous Romance in high gear...therein lies that "glue" that holds a faithful commitment... keeping oneself from crossing lines that shouldn't be crossed with another...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Can I ask you something then, Kag. Why would you schedule it like that then? My H has had his job for about 6 months where he travel. He is on a 2.5 week trip with 3 different assignment. On the last assignment it will be just him and a single female. This. The first trip like that. I was SHOCKED they arrange that. I figure with all the sexual harassment that go on these days why would they do that? Plus this is a new task for him and she is the lead so she is in authority. ughh!
> 
> My H have never given me the reason to not trust him. But I don't really get a good vibe from her when I met her at his office. He introduce me to her and she said to me when he wasn't listen "you look so young" but in such a condescending tone.
> 
> ...


As someone who has had to make those decisions, we make them based on the business needs and trust our employees to behave professionally.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> As someone who has had to make those decisions, we make them based on the business needs and trust our employees to behave professionally.


Yes, this. In this case they were the only two employees qualified for the assignment that I could afford to send out of the office that week due to deadlines other staff were handling. It happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's not up to the employer to protect the marriage.They do what they have to do in order to make the most of their business.


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

It probably just depends on your own comfort zone. My H and I have a LOT of problems but neither of us has ever worried about the other having an affair. When I was younger I had a job that required me to travel with a male co-worker. He was a friend of mine at the office. I never even thought about my H being upset by this and he wasn't at all. I called him every night. Of course co-worker and I stayed in separate rooms and met for breakfast before the meetings. It was all good.

But if you live with someone who is suspicious of your intents or of you being tempted, or maybe if you feel you might be tempted, then set up those rules. Each situation is different.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> As someone who has had to make those decisions, we make them based on the business needs and trust our employees to behave professionally.



Yeah I guess I'm surprised that employer don't consider it an unnecessary risk.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Yeah I guess I'm surprised that employer don't consider it an unnecessary risk.


I definitely understand where you're coming from on this. The thing is,it isn't their problem to consider.Expecting them to do so would open up a whole can of worms no one wants to explore.You know there are some messed up people out there who would try to set a precedent of suing a company bc the company sent their spouse on a work trip and the spouse was unfaithful due to the temptation of traveling with an opposite sex coworker alone.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Yeah I guess I'm surprised that employer don't consider it an unnecessary risk.


Why should an employer (who's paying someone to work for them) take in to consideration the state of someone's home life or marriage?

That isn't an employer's problem. It's the employee's problem. If they can't keep their hands to themselves, they need to seek help on their own. 

My job when I'm assigning people to work is to determine the person with the right skills to do the job. If I start concerning myself with who's married, who's single, who might 'f' their colleague then there is a greater risk of assigning the wrong person who isn't suited for the job and losing MY job for assigning work unfairly.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Why should an employer (who's paying someone to work for them) take in to consideration the state of someone's home life or marriage?
> 
> That isn't an employer's problem. It's the employee's problem. If they can't keep their hands to themselves, they need to seek help on their own.
> 
> My job when I'm assigning people to work is to determine the person with the right skills to do the job. If I start concerning myself with who's married, who's single, who might 'f' their colleague then there is a greater risk of assigning the wrong person who isn't suited for the job and losing MY job for assigning work unfairly.


I do totally get what you saying but how hard is it to make it same sex when it only two people? But I can see how sometimes it would could be a scheduling problem.

Everything everything EVERYTHING is stack against marriage these days.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I do totally get what you saying but how hard is it to make it same sex when it only two people? But I can see how sometimes it would could be a scheduling problem.
> 
> Everything everything EVERYTHING is stack against marriage these days.


We are supposed to operate as if all employees are the same. This means NO gender discrimination. Again, it's up to the employees to keep their pants on.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Well Kayag to further answer your original question one boundary I would like to propose is no dinners together on business trip when it just two people of opposite sex. LOL. 

I had finally completely come to terms with this situation until you had to go bring it up again!!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> We are supposed to operate as if all employees are the same. This means NO gender discrimination. Again, it's up to the employees to keep their pants on.


Grrrrrr! Ugh!!

There TCS did you get that? I'm throwing out the pregnancy and no sex in more than a week cards both at the same time! 

/end rant and venting


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It is a reality though. If I started making gender based decisions, I could be sued. 

Hopefully he'll be home soon?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> We are supposed to operate as if all employees are the same. *This means NO gender discrimination. Again, it's up to the employees to keep their pants on*.


imagine what liability that counter thinking it could lead you to.

I was pleased to notice that around Xmas time last year, my fiance told me that he chose randomly a female co-worker to buy a Secret Santa gift for. Could I pick something up for her? I suppose that was his way of being transparent with me. The feedback that I got for the gift was that it was obvious that a woman had chosen it. Hookay.....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Grrrrrr! Ugh!!
> 
> There TCS did you get that? I'm throwing out the pregnancy and no sex in more than a week cards both at the same time!
> 
> /end rant and venting


It's that kind of thinking that kept women out of the workplace longer than it had to be.

surely since you work outside of the home, you would not want to lose career opportunities because some co-worker's wife thought you were too hot for her husband to be around.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> It is a reality though. If I started making gender based decisions, I could be sued.
> 
> Hopefully he'll be home soon?


Morning of 4th of July


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

OP, I think your boundaries sound great! I think it would benefit more marriages if spouses behaved similar to you.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I've never been much of a club/partier except for a brief period in college. And now it doesn't have much of an appeal for me at all. 

I do travel for work sometimes 5-6 days on a trip. But it's perhaps once a year. My husband hasn't ever had issues with my travel. He's more concerned about safety since I often arrive late in the evening in an unfamiliar, large city. I usually travel by myself, but on my last trip three female colleagues came too. I think if a male colleague came to attend the training or conference, my husband wouldn't be bothered because he knows I get jet lagged easily, so I'm likely to head to my hotel room after the day's work is done. I call/text him when I'm away, so he knows what my itinerary is for that day. Before we had a family, he would come with me on the trips, but now we don't have that luxury any longer.

We don't have a problem if one of us has lunch with an opposite sex colleague during work hours. It's not a regular occurence for us. We don't really socialize with colleagues after hours, but if my employer had some event that I was invited to, I'd go. I'd take my husband, but if for some reason that wasn't an option, I'd go by myself and he would be ok with it. And vice versa. He's had some team building activities during work hours. His employer is very big on team building activities. He had to once give a female colleague a ride to the activity. It didn't bother me he had to give her a ride. Like SimplyAmorous, I tell my husband nearly everything that goes on in my life, so we don't have secrets. We do so much together, spend so much time together and are respectful of each other. In fact, people who knows us often comment on how much time we spend together. It's probably more often than other couples I know, but every marriage is different.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Great discussion.

For me, a couple of people have already touched upon reasons for boundaries. I believe that AS WELL AS ensuring I don't put myself into potentially harmful situation, I also don't want to give the impression to hubz or anyone else of doing anything dodgy with another man.

So I wouldn't, say, go out for dinner with a guy friend. Putting aside for a sec how hubz may feel, how would it LOOK to someone who knows us who may see me, and if that were a repeated situation, what impression might I be giving? Yep it could be completely innocent on both parts, but if a mutual friend who frequented the same places happened to see me laughing in another man's company on a regular basis, what could that look like and what would it sound like if hubz was told?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Yeah I guess I'm surprised that employer don't consider it an unnecessary risk.


Think of the implications of what you are suggesting.

If they considered it an "unnecessary risk" then it would be an unnecessary risk to hire women into management positions in the first place. We would go back to the 1940s where women only got jobs to pass the time until they could find husbands.

And since business trips are often necessary for promotions, imagine what kind of sex discrimination lawsuits a company would face if they had an explicit policy against this.


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## ddindiana (May 24, 2010)

Theseus said:


> I do think most of these boundaries are a little overly strict, like maybe out of the 1940s? Or maybe more appropriate to some of the Arab countries I have traveled to. I especially don't see any problem with socializing with single co-workers in a group setting. Really, what's wrong with that?
> 
> And if women want to be equal in the workforce, they have to accept traveling with men (especially true of the military).
> 
> I am curious - you were uncomfortable sending a male and female co-worker together on a business trip. What if the male co-worker was a lesbian woman instead? Would that affect your view?


Theseus, If we would go back to the 1940's, We wouldn't need Tam, because we wouldn't have the divorce rate we have now.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't really understand the avoiding situations because they may appear questionable to others. I only care what my husband does or feels, he only cares what I do or feel. 

He can go to bars all night if he wants, I know he's not going to cheat. I can go and sing karaoke on a hen's night and have men wanting to buy me drinks, he knows I'm not going to cheat. 

But I don't work in a corporate environment, so maybe that's the difference.


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## MyrnaLoy (Apr 23, 2013)

My H and I have similar boundaries as the OP. We've never really talked about it, it's just how we are. I always think of him and if I thought he'd be uncomfortable with something, then I wouldn't do it. I'd rather err on the side of being too conservative than being insensitive to his feelings. Plus, I tend to come off as flirty when I'm just being nice. When I was single, that was just annoying. But now I don't want people to think I'm flirting with other guys. It's sad but true, lol. My H just naturally checks in with me on everything. At first, I thought it was over the top, but now I'm used to it and appreciate it.

Neither of us work in traditional corporate jobs (and I'm now a SAHM) so luckily we don't have to worry about the traveling issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I don't go to bars or clubs without my husband either. If I want to hang out with my girlfriends, we meet for drinks at like Apple Bee's or something. I only use a female personal trainer and before I started working out from home, I went to an all female gym. I love extreme sports/activities. Most extreme sports are male dominated though so I always try to find a female coach/trainer whenever possible. I do this for two reasons...the first is out of respect for my husband and the second is I find myself attracted to men who teach me things and that push me to step outside my comfort zone. I don't know why but it's just a turn on for me. So it's best I just avoid putting myself in that situation if I can.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's not up to the employer to protect the marriage.They do what they have to do in order to make the most of their business.


This. It is not your role to micro manage people and imply that they are unable to handle themselves professionally. 

Personally I know I am 100% trust worthy so do not need to self impose such rules. It is easy, if you are a decent, trust worthy person then these scenarios are not an issue.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Regarding the "what other people think" scenario...

A while ago hubz started a new job where he works with two others, one male, one female. One day the woman was trying to carry some boards upstairs where they work. He offered to help by putting them in his van and getting her home with them.

Hubz told me afterwards. I wasn't pleased. Hubz had an EA a couple of years ago where he showed no boundaries to the OW pursuing him. It was quite feasible that any one of a number of family or friends could have seen him and her in his works van, together, after work had finished, going a different direction to his way home. Given his history, imagine what that story could have sounded like coming from a third person?

Also no-one is infallible. There are hundreds of people on here who trusted their spouses completely. I was one of them. There are also waywards on here who prior to their infidelity never saw it coming. I love and adore my husband with all my heart. That doesn't mean I will never come into contact with anyone else that I find attractive. Time and proximity can do things to you that you were sure you were not capable of. It's human biology. So I'm not going to either allow questionable situations or perpetuate something that could become questionable, given time.

Prior to hubz's indiscretion, I was 100% adamant that all that was rubbish ^^^^^^^ It didn't matter, I knew me, I knew him, I trusted him implicitly, he did me, we just were not those kind of people... 

Believe me, it's never that black and white.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Lyris said:


> I don't really understand the avoiding situations because they may appear questionable to others. I only care what my husband does or feels, he only cares what I do or feel.
> 
> He can go to bars all night if he wants, I know he's not going to cheat. I can go and sing karaoke on a hen's night and have men wanting to buy me drinks, he knows I'm not going to cheat.
> 
> But I don't work in a corporate environment, so maybe that's the difference.


Well said. These rules are for children. We are adults and as adults we understand there are certain expectations when you are in a committed relantionship.

I had a good friend of mine divorce when his high school sweet heart was hitting the bars with co workers every weekend. He's the most easy going guy ever and he simple sat her down and said "Do you want to be a bar fly or a wife?". She accused him of being controlling and he said "No babe, i'm simply giving you a choice. I don't want a wife that is at the bars until 2 am every weekend because she feels she has to socialize with co workers".

She blew his warning off and he filed. Folks again we are all adults here. Simply state you case in a calm manner and follow through. See thats where we fail, myself including. We should not strive to control others via arbitrarity rules or even capricious ones. I remember many times having to explain to my ex who I was doing freelance work for. My ex would explode if I told her it was a female and sometimes demanded that I only work with male clients. Ridiculous. 

So lets be intellectually honest please. These rules are simply to quell the anxiety of not being able to fully trust your spouse. Its like removing the bullets out of a gun but always thinking there is one in the chamber. What a sad existance. Life is about choices and people should be free to be who they are so we can decide if we want them in our lives.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

tobio said:


> Regarding the "what other people think" scenario...
> 
> A while ago hubz started a new job where he works with two others, one male, one female. One day the woman was trying to carry some boards upstairs where they work. He offered to help by putting them in his van and getting her home with them.
> 
> ...


I've been cheated on before and still believe folks deserve a fair chance at trust. Once you break it then you are done. When you start at zero or negative trust its hard to build anything.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

But Sanity, isn't this thread actually about how we govern OURSELVES? Not what we ask of our spouses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Kag123, if my AxW had managed to keep a few of your personal boundries concerning after work "habits". we wouldnt be in our current mess. Divorce. You are not being overly strict, you value your marriage. I think that is commendable.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tobio said:


> Also no-one is infallible. There are hundreds of people on here who trusted their spouses completely. I was one of them. There are also waywards on here who prior to their infidelity never saw it coming. * I love and adore my husband with all my heart. That doesn't mean I will never come into contact with anyone else that I find attractive. Time and proximity can do things to you that you were sure you were not capable of. It's human biology. *So I'm not going to either allow questionable situations or perpetuate something that could become questionable, given time.


:iagree:x 100%

Human beings can be conditioned to accept _anything_.

Rationalization and compromise are actually double edged swords, they can be good in some instances and extremely dangerous in other situations.
Then we have compartmentalization.

Here's the definition for compartmentalization:

Compartmentalization is an *unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.*
*Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states*

This^^^is why people needs rules , laws , and relationships need good boundaries.
Nothing childish about that.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I don't drink with men if H isn't around, that's pretty much my only boundary. I've made bad decisions (in college, before I met H) while drinking, so I've felt pretty safe with it. My H has no boundaries that I can discern and has never asked anything of me, boundary-wise.

I wish he would, it would make me feel cherished! When we first got married, I got a job in a city 8 hours away. It was great for my career and H worked from home, so the move was not a big deal. We arranged to rent an apartment from my cousin, but it was being renovated. The job started almost immediately, but fortunately I had an old childhood friend living in the city who I was still close to, and he and his 2 single, male roommates had just made a basement bedroom in their house that we could stay in. H chose to stay behind in our old city until the new apartment was ready!! It ended up being 2 months!! He came to visit a few weekends, but the whole experience left me feeling pretty abandoned. :-( (My friend and his roommates were total gentlemen and there were no issues whatsoever, but it made me feel like he didn't think I was pretty enough to be a risk. Silly, but that's how I felt.)


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sanity said:


> So lets be intellectually honest please. These rules are simply to quell the anxiety of not being able to fully trust your spouse. Its like removing the bullets out of a gun but always thinking there is one in the chamber. What a sad existance. Life is about choices and people should be free to be who they are so we can decide if we want them in our lives.


I have to disagree with this. For me, it is about not abusing my wife's trust. That is what my boundaries are about. My wife trusts me and I trust her. In turn, I act in a way that affirms that trust and she does the same. We avoid situations that would intentional test that trust.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I have to disagree with this. For me, it is about not abusing my wife's trust. That is what my boundaries are about. My wife trusts me and I trust her. In turn, I act in a way that affirms that trust and she does the same. We avoid situations that would intentional test that trust.


So are you telling me that if somebody kidnapped you and tossed you into a strip club with tons of one dollar bills but because of sheer lack of will, you would say "Well while we are here, why not get one dance?" 

I don't believe in fencing people off from "tempation" to avoid infidelity. This is a test of character. 

I took my brother to his bachelor party a few weeks ago and we kept it PG-13 (drinks and cigars) One of the guys at the party mentioned going to a local strip club and my brother said no because he didn't want to do that to his STBW. My brother and I do not regret not going to the strip club at all. He loves his now wife very much and that ladies and gentlemen is fence enough. Call me and idealist, but I don't need somebody dictating boundries so I don't have sex out of marriage. If love somebody, cherish them so I won't do something that will harm or destroy that relantionship. If you love and respect them truly, you don't cheat. 

Banks keep money in safes because there are many thieves out there. Some people are honest and would never take a dime because they value their liberty. Some people don't steal because its wrong. You don't have to be inside of a bank vault full of cash to prove you won't steal a dime just like my brother didn't need his now wife to tell him not to his a strip club. 

Ultimately my point is that we are adults and there are consequences for our choices. I don't need another adult telling me not insert my penis in another woman to know that I will lose something great by doing so.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I thought this thread was about boundaries you place on yourself.Not about someone else placing boundaries on you.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

By the way, i'm not trying to be confrontational. I'm simply trying to discuss this open and honestly. I believe as adults we should be able to make adult decisions and reap the rewards and suffer the consecuences of the decisions. 

I once knew a pastor who's wife demanded that he never travel with a female staff members alone to avoid "temptation". This caused hardship and problems because the church only had one vehicle so the female staff members would have to travel seperately and meet the pastor. Ironically, a few years later the pastors wife was caught messing around with another Pastor from another church while she travelled alone. 

My point being is that it comes down to a test of character. If you really need to tell your spouse not to hit the bars and flirt with the other sex, come home at 2am smelling like beer and sex, perhaps you choose poorly and should dump?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I thought this thread was about boundaries you place on yourself.Not about someone else placing boundaries on you.


The OP mentioned that she has personal boundries that are considered "nuts" to her husband. At some point more than likely there will be a conflict because her boundries will conflict with his hence there will need to be a "compromise" and in effect imposing a boundry on him.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sanity said:


> *I once knew a pastor who's wife demanded that he never travel with a female staff members alone to avoid "temptation". This caused hardship and problems because the church only had one vehicle so the female staff members would have to travel seperately and meet the pastor. Ironically, a few years later the pastors wife was caught messing around with another Pastor from another church while she travelled alone. *
> 
> My point being is that it comes down to a test of character. If you really need to tell your spouse not to hit the bars and flirt with the other sex, come home at 2am smelling like beer and sex, perhaps you choose poorly and should dump?


But aren't religious people supposed to be of good , sound moral character, moreso a pastor's wife?
Therin lies the paradox.
That's why its necessary to have strong personal and marital boundaries no matter how strong you _think _your character is.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I kinda look at it like we are mammals first, and people second. The law of the Jungle is higher and more powerful than the laws of people. My animal drive is stronger than my moral code.

This doesn't mean I have no control over sexual urges, but what it does mean is that my body may or may not listen to my "morals". My body decides things based on the laws of the Jungle, not the laws of the people around me. So I can't just allow my body to do the things it wants to do...and I am very self-aware of what these things are. My mind is in charge and is guarding the boundaries of my marriage, but if I still allow my body to do as it pleases (such as strut itself around or flirt with others), there is always a chance that the boundaries can fail.

Again, boundary failure wouldn't necessarily mean I'd run off and have sex with someone else in the next instant....but other undesirable things (within marriage) might occur.

In other words, I may decide to be monogamous, but my body will never agree to it. So I have to stay aware of this fact and keep my boundaries up high.

AND...I want to say that I have no desire to be sexual with anyone but my husband. We are in love and have a very sexual relationship. The fact that I want to take extraordinary precautions to protect our bond is not because I want to screw around...

...except, that my body probably DOES still want to. As much as I want to pretend that isn't true, I can't change what my body wants to do. All I can do is keep it locked down.

BUT...keeping it locked down is really fun for me! Like an extra marriage challenge that I want to "win".

.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sanity said:


> So are you telling me that if somebody kidnapped you and tossed you into a strip club with tons of one dollar bills but because of sheer lack of will, you would say "Well while we are here, why not get one dance?"
> 
> I don't believe in fencing people off from "tempation" to avoid infidelity. This is a test of character.
> 
> ...


I am really struggling to get your point out of what I said. Nevertheless, I don't disagree. My point (made in response to yours that these boundaries are all because we don't trust our spouse and fear they will cheat) is that my boundaries are not because of that (or at least not mainly that).

They are in place because I respect my wife and don't want to be in a position where I abuse that trust. She loves me and trusts me. Part of my love and respect for her are not doing things that could cause her to question that trust. So, I don't stay out until the bars close with single people without her. 

Some people may need to fence themselves off. They may have horrible boundaries, recognize it, and be working on it. Much like an alcoholic stays out of a bar to avoid temptation, particularly in the beginning. But there are other reasons for this behavior as well.


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