# What to tell kid about separation when it's sex related



## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

After 24 years together, my husband has decided to move out because of my LD issues. What reason do you give a 9 year old that we are separating because my husband wants to get laid more? His exact terms. I really can't lie and say it's because we are fighting alot and want a peaceful household because that's not true. We argue on occasion, but nothing crazy. My husband just wants more sex and is not willing to work it out with me anymore.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Tell him you aren't compatible and that makes the two of you very unhappy so you want each other to be happy.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't use your son as a pawn in the name of truth. It's passive aggressive and wrong.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

After reading your other posts, there's certainly more to it than LD. You are more than incompatible. He gained lots of weight, you aren't attracted to him so aren't' interested in sex with him, he drinks to avoid facing his real issues and talks down to you and you become even more resentful, disconnected and even less attracted to him. It's a downward spiral.

If you have any interest in saving it, I would suggest you tell him you want him to go to marriage counseling and AA or you want a divorce. If he accepts that offer, then do those things and start engaging in activities TOGETHER that will help him lose weight (not drinking will help him immensely) and rebuild your connection. 

Otherwise my advice for what to tell your son stands. He doesn't need an alcoholic for a father. And believe me, he knows you two aren't hunky-dory. So telling him you are both unhappy and incompatible works just fine.


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

EnjoliWoman said:


> After reading your other posts, there's certainly more to it than LD. You are more than incompatible. He gained lots of weight, you aren't attracted to him so aren't' interested in sex with him, he drinks to avoid facing his real issues and talks down to you and you become even more resentful, disconnected and even less attracted to him. It's a downward spiral.
> 
> If you have any interest in saving it, I would suggest you tell him you want him to go to marriage counseling and AA or you want a divorce. If he accepts that offer, then do those things and start engaging in activities TOGETHER that will help him lose weight (not drinking will help him immensely) and rebuild your connection.
> 
> Otherwise my advice for what to tell your son stands. He doesn't need an alcoholic for a father. And believe me, he knows you two aren't hunky-dory. So telling him you are both unhappy and incompatible works just fine.


Yes my LD has been an issue for as long as I can remember. He has never understood that his addictions and lack of attention to anything in the home has made the LD worse, even though I've said it plenty of times. Amazing, after a big blow up he becomes attentive to my son and me. Not sure what causes that. He actually wanted to go to counseling but I said no I didn't want to. We've already been down that road and honestly, it works for awhile and then we end up right back where we are. I "slipped" up for the past month not being intimate with him. I have the urge to, but the timing is difficult with us not sleeping in the same bed, him having to pop a pill and we have a kid in the house so I can't randomly jump him. I brought it up lightly last weekend that it has been awhile and I was wondering if there was a problem. His reply was he thought it was best that we went back to just being friends instead of him being teased. His idea of throwing me a hint is him lying his head on my lap on the couch and that made him feel rejected. That is not a hint to me! Grab me and say what you want to do! That is just showing normal affection, which is another issue. I don't want to have to have sex every time we show one another any type of affection. Then 2 days later he told me that somebody has to step up to bat and that he is moving out. He doesn't get that his spending his entire evenings on his tablet scrolling through Facebook is an issue either. He has just replaced one addiction for another. All of his problems have always been my fault including his job problems. He can't get along with people at work either. Our first counselor told him it was all his way or no way. He disagreed and we never returned to that therapist!


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't use your son as a pawn in the name of truth. It's passive aggressive and wrong.


I don't even know what this means.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

That's one I've been dealing with for 8 years. My kids are now 16 and 13 but still aren't old enough to understand why dad wants a divorce. It's the opposite for me. My wife and I haven't had sex with each other in many years because she hyper focused on the kids when they came along and she also is very LD. There's much more to it than that though.

I like what Enjoli said. Maybe just tell him grown ups are not that different from kids. Sometimes they get along and sometimes they don't. When my kids questioned me about it I'd ask them "Are their kids at school that you don't care to hang around with because you're not like each other?" Something like that.

I figure one day they'll figure it out. But it sucks for me now. They just think dad is an ogre who's mean to poor mommy.

Good luck.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

YummyPB said:


> After 24 years together, my husband has decided to move out because of my LD issues. What reason do you give a 9 year old that we are separating because my husband wants to get laid more? His exact terms. I really can't lie and say it's because we are fighting alot and want a peaceful household because that's not true. We argue on occasion, but nothing crazy. My husband just wants more sex and is not willing to work it out with me anymore.


Looking at it from a male perspective: you could tell your son that you've starved his father of sex, so he's leaving....

(Some women don't seem to get it how important sex can be in a man's emotional life. And I'm sure quite a few women have good excuses for not having sex once the kids come along... and a certain number of years pass.)


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

brownmale said:


> Looking at it from a male perspective: you could tell your son that you've starved his father of sex, so he's leaving....
> 
> (Some women don't seem to get it how important sex can be in a man's emotional life. And I'm sure quite a few women have good excuses for not having sex once the kids come along... and a certain number of years pass.)


Haha funny. I get the need for sex, but the man has to be willing to communicate with us, not make birth control our sole problem, not come home drunk daily and still expect us to love him, work on his own issues and admit his wrong doings. These are just a few examples that can create or worsen the LD in women to start with. For me, it wasn't a kid, though that doesn't help matters when you don't sleep in the same bed because of a snorer who likes to punch in his sleep. Don't get me started!:soapbox:


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## YummyPB (Jun 25, 2009)

BeachGuy said:


> That's one I've been dealing with for 8 years. My kids are now 16 and 13 but still aren't old enough to understand why dad wants a divorce. It's the opposite for me. My wife and I haven't had sex with each other in many years because she hyper focused on the kids when they came along and she also is very LD. There's much more to it than that though.
> 
> I like what Enjoli said. Maybe just tell him grown ups are not that different from kids. Sometimes they get along and sometimes they don't. When my kids questioned me about it I'd ask them "Are their kids at school that you don't care to hang around with because you're not like each other?" Something like that.
> 
> ...


Wow Beachguy, you are hanging in there. You are so right. It isn't just 1 thing like kids that make a person lose interest. It's much deeper than that. I understand being the meany. I'm already that with having to handle all of the daily tasks with a kid while my husband ignores everything on the couch with his tablet. Thank you for sharing your side and I like your suggestion. I want to remain positive about his dad and be a good co-parent. It's very scary to me that I am actually typing this. It seems so unreal yet since he is still living with us.

Good luck to you too!


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Yummy, I think Enjoli gave you good advice. That's about all a kid his age needs to know. I don't think at any age he needs to hear much more frankly. I would advise you to make sure his teacher(s) are aware of the family change and since his Dad is not around as much that he is around other positive adult male role models as much as you can make time for. Cub Scouts and sports are good places to start. Good Luck to you.


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