# Depression driving her out of love with me



## qwerty123456 (Nov 6, 2010)

Hi,
I moved my post from the Anxiety, Depression area, as I think depression is just part of our problem. So if you already read it there, sorry. We had a talk this morning, and I will post an update when I have time. Thanks for reading.
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Hi,
First post here. I found this site searching for "does marriage counselling work" and starting reading. I'll try to keep it short, but it's a pretty long story.

I met my wife when she was 18, and I was 21. We barely said a word to each other, but there was an obvious attraction. She was still living at home, with little dating experience. I was in university, and similar lack of dating experience. We dated for a year, engaged for 2 more, then married, and didn't live together until we married. That was 19 years ago. We have rarely been apart more than a few days in the past 22 years, and generally don't fight often. We have two kids, b & g, 11 & 13. Their births and early years were among the happiest times for us (or me at least). We live in a large new house, and both have decent jobs, with no debt except a small mortgage. Sounds ok, right?

I began to get severely depressed about 1-3 years ago; I'm not sure exactly when, but the obvious realization for me was a near breakdown during a family vacation last year, when I considered leaving and not coming back, and even suicide. The thought of the damage this would do to my kids has always pulled me back from this one. My wife would also suffer, but at the time, I felt she'd be better off without me eventually. I spoke to her about it, and she begged me to seek help, which I resisted.

About a month ago, after a brief argument before leaving for work, I gave her the "we need to talk", indicating it was more urgent than ever before. I realized that a few little things she could do could send me off the deep end in anger, something I am not accustomed to. I have a very high stress job where I must maintain control at all times, and rarely lose control at home; tending toward short cutting remarks (or silence) rather than outbursts. She was in agreement that we needed to talk, and we began with a short talk a few days later where she indicated she wasn't sure about us. We barely had time to get into things. After a few weeks of not finding time to continue our talk, I decided to grab the car, and take her for some takeout, eat in the car, and talk, something we probably haven't done for at least 15 years. I did most of the talking, opening up more than I ever have before about my depression, and my love for her, which I realized is perhaps stronger than I ever thought. She listened quietly, then said she felt very sad for me, and wants me to get help, but she was not sure she could continue being unhappy with me any longer. She was not sure she loved me anymore. She has mentioned being unhappy before, but this was different. I realized this could be the end, and it scared me to death. I have no interest in starting a new life, or putting our kids through a divorce. I told her I always thought it would be me falling out of love with her, not the reverse. Her love and devotion for me always seemed unfaltering. I have had wandering thoughts a few times over the years, but they have never been more than fleeting. I appreciate beautiful women like most guys, but I have a beautiful wife, and know that I could never cheat on her. Before we ended our talk, I became very emotional, which is also unlike me, and vowed to seek help and do what I could to convince her that we were worth saving. She was non-committal about this, and only said she needed time to think. We both agreed to think, write some things down, and talk again. The next day I made an appointment to seek help for my depression as promised, but it's two weeks away.

A week or so later, and I am an emotional wreck, while trying not to show it at work. Meanwhile, she goes on like nothing has changed, going out with the girls, doing housework, etc. I spent most of a night sitting on the couch unable to sleep, and she appears not to notice or care. We had planned a day trip with the kids after she'd spent another night out with the girls. When the time came, I said I thought she should stay home and try do do some thinking and I'd take the kids. It was driving me crazy that she could just go on like nothing is wrong (except that I can't get near her) while I'm falling apart. She stayed home and had two friends come over to talk. 

A few days later, I read through some of the notes she had made, since she left them on her nightstand. I knew I shouldn't have done this, but it seemed she wanted me to see them, as she left them out. I felt guilty and told her what I'd done as soon as she got home. She didn't seem too upset, although it's hard to tell. It seems she has adopted my lack of emotion, and given me all her emotions. I just don't feel any love from her anymore. Her notes were in sections - good & bad, but she had started with the bad, and then went on to consequences, like moving/selling the house, etc. which just made it all seem like an exit plan. For the second time in a month, I felt my world crashing in. I apologized for peeking, and she said she was still working on the good stuff. She did say she still loves me, but is not "in love" with me. This is not much consolation, as I don't really understand what this means.

A bit of background about her: after our 2nd child (and a miscarriage in between), she became quite depressed, gained a lot of weight, and had low self-esteem. She would always say she had low self-esteem when we met, and she was young, vivacious and pretty and looked great in a bikini. Add 40+lbs to her small figure, and she felt pretty down. I tried to help, but know that I just made it worse; she needed to help herself. About 2 years ago, her doctor warned her to lose weight as it was affecting her health, something I'd said for years. She has an amazingly strong will and through a proper diet and exercise, lost over 40lbs in less than a year, and looked as good as when we were married. She turned heads everywhere we went; not only was she beautiful and sexy, she was more confident than I'd ever seen her. I was very happy for her, and the sex was amazing. I enjoyed the attention she got, and for the first time in years, took her shopping for clothes, where I'd pick out the sexiest things I could find, and she'd try them on while girls half her age looked on as only jealous women can. We used to do this before we got married, and it was just like old times. We enjoyed several holidays where she wore bikinis from our honeymoon, and times were great. 

Then came the incident last year, where I was severely depressed during a short holiday. More cracks started to show between us, and she spent less time with me and more with the girls. She started to let herself go again, and struggled to maintain the figure she had fought so hard for. She still turns heads, and the turn on I used to get from seeing other guys attracted to her turned to jealousy. She could laugh and have fun with other male friends, but not with me. It drove me crazy and made my depression worse.

This week I had a first meeting with a shrink. He started by asking why I thought I needed to see him. I spent an hour telling him my life feels like one failure after another, starting with not finishing university, and that a failure of my marriage would feel like the final failure. He identified my job as the primary source of my depression, and suggested I should start by suggesting to my wife that we seek counselling together, and see what her reaction is. I did this, and her reaction was indecisive. She wasn't sure about counselling, even though she had suggested it a few times over the years, along with me getting help for depression. Again I am worried that it might be too late, and that the pain I have caused her through many years of unhappiness has done too much damage. I am not an outgoing person like she is, and tend to say damaging, cutting things when I am angry or depressed, but when I'm happy, I am not forward enough in my expression of love or affection for her.

I really don't want to lose her. I know that quitting my job may be the best thing to help with my depression, but that is difficult for reasons I can't go into without revealing too much about myself. 

Like I said, it's long, but I'll stop here. I'm interested in hearing what others think of my situation. Thanks.


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## LoveSickGirl (Nov 7, 2010)

I think what's most important for you to do is to try to get her on board with working on this problem you seem to be having together. If you can do it, you need to maybe try being more verbal with her now - you said that you struggle with being forward with your love and affection for her, but when you are at risk for losing her, I think you should really try to lay it all on the line with her. Tell her your full and honest feelings, and ask her to atleast try going to counseling, but let her know that you will continue to go yourself even if she isn't willing. You need to show her that you are willing to make the effort it takes to change, and then maybe she would be more willing to herself.


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## qwerty123456 (Nov 6, 2010)

Thanks for the reply. A few things have happened since I posted, mostly good I think. I surprised her (and the kids) by taking them to dinner on Saturday, which is very rare, since I love to cook, and generally reserve weekends for special home-cooked meals. We had a nice enough dinner, but I felt like a new boyfriend dating a single mom with her kids. She led the way into the restaurant, ordered food, to the point where the waitress didn't seem sure where to place the check, so it went in the middle of the table. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but it felt really odd. We went home, watched a movie with the kids, and things were ok, until something set her off after the movie.

The next morning, I initiated a talk once the kids had gone back upstairs. I told her exactly how I felt at the restaurant, and how I thought she had lost it with me later on for no good reason. We talked more about my talk with the shrink, as we'd not had time to do that yet. I told her how the shrink determined from what I'd told him that I had a "universal loathing" for my job, and that this was likely at least partly responsible for my depression. I told her that I was prepared to leave my job if that's what it takes to fix us, and me. The problem is, I have no idea what I would do, or where I would go, and suspect a significant change in career is needed to make a difference, not just a different employer doing the same thing. My job is seen by many as a dream job for lots of reasons, but few know just how stressful it really is. An example - I came to realize during my visit with the doctor that my breakdown last year was likely triggered by a call from my boss *while I was on holiday*, on a saturday evening, for something that could not only wait until Monday, I determined during the call that there was no valid reason for the call except for them to exert control over me, even when I am holiday, all because they disagreed with the timing of my holiday. (which they nearly always do).

Running out of time. To finish up, we had a nice day, I made a dinner Sunday that she loved, and we played a board game with the kids, followed by a family show before bed. I'm feeling better about things, if only because I've identified a big part of my issues (my job), but also feeling overwhelmed by the monumental scale of fixing that problem, along with my marriage. It's really hard to explain about the job thing. If I find a way without revealing too much I will.

Thanks for reading,


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## LousyRiverdalePunk (Nov 10, 2010)

Being in a relationship with someone who suffers clinical depression can be difficult, especially if one doesn't know that much about it. Depression isn't having a bad day or a bad week, it's a mental disorder(often it has a biological cause). Singing happy songs and trying to look on the bright side won't fix it. Therapy and medication under a Dr.'s care can improve it though. I am someone with zero medical knowledge diagnosing clinical depression based on three message board paragraphs, so please rely on your _actual_ Dr. 

I can't offer a lot of advice, but I would encourage you and your wife to have some frank discussions about what depression is and how it effects you. Your wife may take a lot of your negative moods personally and think that she is the cause. I would encourage her to read "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed" by Anne Sheffield. If you can convince your wife to do counseling, it would certainly be a good thing. 

My most important advice for you would be this: try not to take your work problems (or other problems not related to her actions) out on your wife. Certainly talk to her about your work, your frustrations, ect. But try, try, please for the love of God try not to get angry at her because you had a bad day at work. She has nothing to do with your job, she did not cause those problems.


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## qwerty123456 (Nov 6, 2010)

Thanks for the reply. I'm not certain I have clinical depression, as I've only had one visit with a psychiatrist. He didn't seem quick to assume this either, for which I am glad. I have resisted seeing a doctor for at least a year due to experiences with many pediatricians, who all seemed too quick to recommend medications for my son (who they thought was ADD/ADHD, but has not needed medication yet). However, now that I have seen a doctor, I am glad, and am willing to try medication if the doctor suggests I should. 

I accept your point about not bringing work home, and talking out my bad days on my wife and family, and realize this is something I have been guilty of many times over the years. For a long period, I literally brought work home - I would check work email by 6:30, be at the office by 8:00, home by 5-6, but then work from home sometimes 2-3 hours each night. On top of this, my employer thought nothing of calling me at nearly any time with a problem. I have primary responsibility for a 24/7 operation, so I am the first called when something is wrong. However, I have neglected the more important 24/7 operation in my life - my marriage (and family). 

Unfortunately, acting now to put a stop to letting my work interfere with my marriage is not going to be enough - too much damage has been done already. I have begun by turning off my work cell phone when I leave the office, and not checking work email until I arrive at the office. I started ignoring calls to my home phone months ago, but my superiors will call my cell. Fortunately, I can use the excuse that I'm fishing with my son and out of cell range. 

Another point which further complicates things, which I have not mentioned yet: my wife and I have the same employer, and for the past year, she has actually worked in my office. As you can imagine, this causes some friction at times. It means we can take lunches together, and we usually do. Today, rather than going home for lunch, I took her for take out, which I think she appreciated. We talked about minor things, then I mentioned finances, mainly because I know she feels left out of this, and I wanted to fix this. Because I am very cautious financially (a cheapskate in her words), we have no debt except for a mortgage with only 4 years left, and a good income. I suggested we consider reducing mortgage payments to allow a bit more freedom to have fun as we have taken on some extra expenses lately. I guess it was too much, because I got an odd sense of detachment from her after a few minutes, so I suggested we leave it for some other time. 

She still says she needs time to think and decide on us, but I feel helpless standing by. She doesn't want to make any plans like holidays (which we normally think about now for a spring getaway) in case we're not together then. I am trying to be as understanding as I can, while also doing my best to model the husband I think she wants me to be, but worried if I go overboard, she'll just think I'm acting it out. Most of the changes she wants me to make are changes I need to be make for my own well being, so it's not like she's asking me to be someone I'm not.

The reality is, because of our financial position, she could easily buy a house and start a new life on her share of our assets, and I think she knows this. At this point, I'd sooner buy someone else a house, and we stay together in ours, as I have no desire to start again without her! 

Still feeling very helpless in all this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

qwerty123456 said:


> We went home, watched a movie with the kids, and things were ok, until something set her off after the movie.
> 
> The next morning, I initiated a talk once the kids had gone back upstairs. I told her exactly how I felt at the restaurant, and how I thought she had lost it with me later on for no good reason.


What was the movie? It could be that something about the movie brought up some resentment that she's been harboring against you.


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## qwerty123456 (Nov 6, 2010)

Blanca said:


> What was the movie? It could be that something about the movie brought up some resentment that she's been harboring against you.


I don't think that was it. The movie was Prince of Persia, which we both enjoyed, as we both like Ben Kingsley. I think it was a case of her thinking I was being abrupt, while I was thinking she was being unreasonable by getting up as soon as the credits came on and starting to send an email. My daughter wanted to read the credits and couldn't see with the lights on, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have said anything. Not a big deal really, and the next day we talked about it so we both understand what wrong.

I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her at times, which is exactly how she has described being with me several times in the past.


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## qwerty123456 (Nov 6, 2010)

Ok, another week has gone by, with many ups and downs. Last Friday, we both took the day off with plans to do something together, which was my idea. Our son was off school, but I'd hoped we could leave him home for a few hours to have some time together. She wanted to bring him, which made me feel like jamming out and letting them go it alone. I ended up going and it was ok - I managed to hold it together fairly well, while we had a coffee and did some browsing at the mall. Then on Sunday we planned a family day out, with lunch at new restaurant. I woke up very down, and had difficulty hiding it. She said the day still turned out ok, but I felt otherwise. We took turns with each child in the mall, while I took one at a time to look for a birthday gift for mom. My son was great - he found something on his own in a few minutes, which was great. Then we switched, and my daughter went straight to the perfume counter, where mom had shown her the latest expensive perfume she wanted. Fine, I said, I'll look at it later, right now, we're looking for something for you to get mom. She insisted the perfume ($80) was all she wanted to give her. So we spent a half hour wandering the mall with her upset that I wouldn't buy the perfume for her to give to mom. When we met up with mom & son, I told her things didn't go well, since she was stuck on buying the perfume. I don't think mom expected that I would buy it for our daughter to give, but I do wonder if she was testing me to see if I would fork over the $80 on a whim for the perfume, something I would have done 15+ years ago. I am a very sentimental person, and strongly feel a gift should reflect the thoughts and caring the giver has for the recipient, and shouldn't always be something the person asks for every time.

Anyway, fast-forward a few days. We've been carrying on with very little conversation beyond daily happenings, and little to no affection from her. She shows no sign of love for me at all actually. Last night I tried to initiate some conversation, to which she just says she still needs time to think, and write down her thoughts. This has been going on for 6+ weeks now. She's already planning another night out with the girls tomorrow, and finds time to do things like sit at the computer doing mindless surveys, all the while not having time to sit down and think about US. She started to get angry and stonewalled me when I pointed out that she doesn't seem to place our marriage very high on her list of priorities. I asked her what has changed in 20 years that should make it so difficult for her to make the same commitment she made so easily when we met? I told her my position has not changed - I would and will make the commitment again now, just as I did 20 years ago. I think she is suffering from a bit of the "grass is greener" syndrome, combined with some deep-seated contempt for the way I've treated her at times over the years. I admit I have been difficult to live with and mean to her in my depressed state for a while now, but I am seeking help. She seems to be waiting to see if this will change things, if some medication will make her love me again, which I think is unfair of her. She is taking no responsibility for her part in our situation, and refuses to consider counselling. 

I sat up most of the night thinking about the situation, and all I could come up with is asking her to leave. I don't see why I should leave the house that I built when she is the one who refuses to go to counselling, and who is expressing that she is no longer "in love with me" (although she did finally say she still loves me, small consolation). My biggest fear is that asking her to leave will seal my fate, and that not only will there be no chance for recovery, it will also put me in a bad position when it comes to alimony. I make 4x what she does now, and until a few years ago, she barely worked at all. I am well aware that she can make my life miserable in many ways if I'm not careful. She could even be really nasty and try to keep the kids away from me based on my seeking medical help for depression. 

The really sad part is I think I have a better relationship with her parents than she does. I spoke with her mom last week, who told me that my wife hadn't said a word to them until 6 weeks ago when they were in town. Interestingly, she told me it was the day before they left when she finally told her mom that she "wasn't sure how much longer she'd be with me". This is interesting because it contradicts what she told me. She said she'd spoken with her mom a few days before I started this whole thing with a "we need to talk" moment, but it sounds like either her mom is getting the dates wrong, or my wife is lying to me. I suspect it is the latter, because I do not thing she said anything to her mom until after I started things. This is supported by her mom telling me that my wife has never really confided in her. If she is lying about this detail, I'm not sure what that means, except that perhaps she is trying to give the impression that she has been considering leaving me for a quite a while. She says this started back in spring or early summer, with her "observing" our relationship, and she didn't like what she saw. I told her I thought this method of observation, followed by telling me about it, but then refusing to work together to resolve things was unfair, to which she scoffed, saying life is unfair, and don't be a baby. Really nice. All this supports my thinking that she is still just trying to hurt me back for all the pain I've caused her, and then will leave when she feels like it.

If things don't change, I may just ask her to leave, but worry about the fallout, and if there is a better way to deal with it. She really doesn't seem to care about talking about this any more, so I don't see many options left.


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## qwerty123456 (Nov 6, 2010)

One more thing: there are actually many complicating factors for any kind of separation, but the most obvious one is that we work in the same office, so it will be impossible to hide anything from friends or co-workers. So even a short trial separation is going to have obvious effects in our very tight community where everyone knows everyone else's business.


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## qwerty123456 (Nov 6, 2010)

Not many replies on my thread, and after reading some other threads here, I can understand why I guess. My problems must seem pretty mundane compared to many... I guess I am as boring as my wife says I am...

Anyway, last night, I decided to tell my wife why I had spent the day very distant and cold with her, but framed it by saying "this is what was going through my mind, and I want to tell you that as a way of explaining why I was acting the way I was today", but made it clear that I was not at the point of making it final, just running things through in my mind. 

I explained that in the absence of any effort from her to seek counselling or try to work things out, I felt there was no other option but to ask her to leave. I knew if I did this, it could be final, but I felt she was either delaying really thinking about us, or was dragging things out just to hurt me. I said it had been 8 weeks since this started, and that I was having a very tough time dealing her avoidance of the issues we face. I then said that I did not expect a response from her; I just wanted her to know where I was at. She said nothing.

This morning, she wrote down her recollection of what I said, and asked me to read it to be sure it was accurate, which it was, except for one minor point. She then said that she wanted us to talk over what we both have written down so far on Sunday; that she still needed another day to do more thinking.

Her Mom phoned me just now to say my wife told her this morning that she would consider counseling. I am now more hopeful, but just hope that my pushing her this way won't make her resent me even further. I now realize that my wife has never really confided in anyone all these years - while we failed to communicate many times, I always assumed she talked with her family or friends, but it doesn't sound like she does. I understand how alone she must feel, as I am the same way - I have very few close friends, and rarely talk about anything personal. I can only hope we can begin to confide in each other and become closer that ever before.


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