# need help/advice



## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

This may be long so I you read it all thank you. I am feeling so lost and confused right now with everything and just need some insight from a neutral third party.

I have been married for 5 1/2 years. We have had our ups and downs throughout the years. We have 2 daughters together and he has a son with his ex that he now has custody of.

Shortly after we got married is when it really started. He would get mad and accuse me of cheating often. I pretty much gave up everything to try to please him. I stopped talking to long term friends and distanced myself from my family.

At times the accusations were just a huff about me texting my friend or asking if I could go somewhere and he wouldn't say now but could tell he was rather upset I wanted to go. I would usually end up cancelling my plans and he would say oh well I never told you you couldn't go. 

At times it was scary, and while he has never physically put his hands on me, he would throw things in my general direction. Once again, he never hit me though. He has had an issue with anger for a long time and I have asked him to get help for it but he never has.

I remember a time when I was pregnant laying on the bedroom floor in a ball crying my eyes out while he stood above me yelling about how the baby wasn't his and I am worthless. We eventually moved past that but I have never forgotten how painful those times were. We would talk and things would be better for a bit but the accusations never really went away. 

Fast forward to two years ago. My brother was getting married and I was one of the bridesmaids. She wanted the wedding party to stay at a hotel with her the night before. He said he was okay with it but my brothers best man happened to be one of my ex's. He insisted I slept with him that night even though my brother and groomsmen were over an hour away. It was probably one of the worst times in our whole marriage. I ended up leaving for a day because he was constantly yelling and screaming at me. He told me if I left I wasn't welcome back ever and I would never see my kids again. I pretty much said everything was my fault and we moved on. 

The last year has been pretty bad. He constantly asks who I am texting. I tell him no one. I offer to show him my phone. He says he won't look because then he will have proof I am cheating. I have never tried to hide my phone or my activities from him. 

He ended up getting a job that takes him out of state, which is where he currently is for the time being. It was financially what we needed but for our marriage it was the worst decision to be made. As soon as he got the call that he had to work, he started treating me as if I was cheating again. He was constantly angry and saying as soon as I left I was going to leave him. Every day multiple times in a day. The first week he was gone, it was bad. The constant accusations and overall attitude has worn me down so much through the years. 

One night, about two weeks ago, he asks me if I took a shower... I said no, because honestly I forgot. I had a busy day with the kids and I was in and out within 3 minutes. He says I lied because he knew I did take one. I had posted a picture on facebook with one of my kids and my hair was wet. He wanted me to "prove to him" that I didn't do anything. He says I never made you take that picture, I told you to prove you didn't. I don't get how else to prove that besides him taking at face value that it was an honest mistake that I forgot. 

I told him that night what he did, by "making" me take that picture was unforgivable and I couldn't be with him anymore. He ignored my requests for time and space so I could figure out if that was just too much to forgive. 

Then, I did wrong, and maybe it was because I wanted the marriage to be over, my fault or his because I am too scared to leave. But I started talking to someone else. He was there for me while I cried and tried to figure out what I was going to do. He lives states away so it was never physical but I know what I did was wrong. My husband ended up finding out and has placed the blame of our marital problems squarely on my shoulders and has posted many things publicly on facebook about my indiscretions. 

He has threatened me that if I leave him, he will make sure I never see my kids again and I will be left with nothing. I haven't worked in 5 years because I have been taking care of the children, his and ours. I feel like there is no escape. I feel like I will be stuck here and unhappy forever because he will make sure I have no way out. I have no one in real life to turn to and I don't know what to do anymore.

He says he is changing his ways and wont be controlling and verbally abusive. I can see times when it is better but if I don't respond immediately to his texts he makes nasty comments. But now that I have been unfaithful, how could we ever make this work? He never trusted me to begin with and his reasons were that he was cheated on in the past.

He has told me multiple times over the last couple weeks that if I leave he will commit suicide. 

I know my unfaithfulness is an issue and I won't make excuses for my actions but I would never have gone looking for someone to give me what I need emotionally if he wasn't always so controlling and manipulative. I know that sounds like an excuse but I honestly felt like our marriage was over already. I had told him more times than I can count that I was done. That I needed time and space to figure out if we could try again. He hasn't given me an opportunity to breathe. He calls upwards of 20 times a day and texts 50+ times. All night long as well. 

I have scheduled an appt with a counselor but it isn't for another two weeks. I feel like I am going crazy right now. Any advice would be really appreciated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya the marriage needs help but your old man man needs help even more.

One needs to be emotionally healthy and then bring in another person, I mean how can you have a healthy relationship when as an individual one is so phucked up?

As an individual your old man could get some help...that help will pass on to his marriage with you.

You too could go for some individual counseling to figure out why you put up with this crap and can't set your own boundries.

So in short your first order of business is getting your old man to see a shrink if he want to keep the family unit intact.

Your second order of business is to start commanding some respect.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You took a bad situation and made it worse by bringing another guy into it. Of course, you know that now. What you may not know is even though your husband says he's improving, blah, blah, he will hold your indiscretion over you in the future and use it as leverage to manipulate and accuse you even more. A force multiplier has been introduced into the crazy train. 

Your husband needs a time out to get himself corrected and you need a time out to learn how to place and enforce boundaries. I usually don't believe in separation, but in your case I think the two of you need it so you can fix yourselves, which in turn will enable you to address marital issues. Good luck.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Awww he is so cute. He thinks he can just stroll into court and just on his sayso, he will take the kids. That is usually a scare tactic, and unless you are some criminal druggie, you won't lose your kids. I bet he wouldn't want the responsibility of taking care of them anyway, when it comes down to it.

See a lawyer about your rights. Get a job. Never be dependent upon a man again. Contact a womens shelter. They will have good resources for you.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Oh and if he starts raging or hits you, or scares you, call the police. Get this stuff documented.

He is an abuser. Isolation, accusations, physical threats, threatening to take the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have family and/or friends who will help you? You need someone I your real life to talk to.

Your husband cannot take your children away from you. He's just saying that to scare you.

Where is the mother of his other child? Why does he have full custody? He's not taking care of his child, you are. 

At this point you need to become more independent. You need a job.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

You are married to an abuser. Isolating you from friends and family (CLASSIC sign of an abuser), threatening you, standing over you screaming. It's only a matter of time before it escalates to hitting. Happened to me ... and believe me, when the physical starts you AND your children will be in danger.

Are you quite sure HE'S not cheating? Many cheaters (and abusers) accuse their victims of what they themselves are doing. It's called "projection." And I have to ask -- was he ever like this when you were dating?

I agree 1000% with Froggi. Get yourself a job, see a lawyer and become well-versed in your rights. This is not love, and things will NOT get better unless he wants to work on himself. You cannot change him.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

I am definitely not in any way or have ever been in any trouble with the law or use drugs or alcohol. He on the other hand, has a drinking problem. He says he doesn't because he can stop but when he drinks it always worse. He is definitely more vicious with his words. 

The first thing I did was start sending out my resume and actually have an interview on Tuesday for a job. He is not happy at all that I am trying to find work. He says it will never work with the kids and won't financially be worth it because of daycare costs. 

I have contacted many of the housing help in the area but no one can help me, there is too much of a wait time...

I have saved a lot of his threatening texts but he knows the system, went through it with his ex, and says a lot of things that can be used against him on the phone and claims that I am making things up when I try to get proof via text. Like him taking the kids and the suicide threats. 

My mom is the only person that I have to talk to. She is in a bad spot in her marriage at the moment and can't really do anything to help me. 

He got custody of his son a little over a year ago. His mother married a felon and committed a crime while the children were at the house. Child protective services removed the children from the home and placed them with us. After a few weeks the other child went to live with his father. She has had little to no contact with her son for over a year until recently when she went to court and cried her way to get unsupervised visitation. He says if I leave he will lose custody of his son and that it will be all my fault and I will be ruining his life too.

I have no proof that he has cheated. He does go out to the bar a few times a month so he definitely has the opportunity to cheat. He swears he has never but I am pretty sure he was with his ex in the beginning of our marriage. He was leaving work early telling me he had to work overtime and they kept forgetting to pay him. He would text and call her from the minute he left the house to the minute he got back, he worked 3rd shift so I don't see why else he would be talking to her... His son would come over and say his dad was at his moms house and they went to the bedroom together to talk. He was only 2 at the time and didn't know any better than to tell me, but I never asked his son about what was going on. 

It is sad because I know and see how he has treated me is wrong. I should never have been okay with it but he always told me he would stop. He said he was sorry and would work to make things better. He would be better for a while until things blew up again. It was always a slow build up that started with a nasty look or comment to all out yelling. Then this latest incident of him making me take a picture to prove I wasn't lying is just too much. He swears he is changing, I want to believe him but I honestly can't go through any of this again. 

He says he has forgiven my infidelity but keeps sending me links on how it feels to be cheated on. I keep telling him that I want to separate and work on myself while he gets some help to see if we can ever make things work again but he still insists we are together and I am playing games. I told him my only regret was not being more clear about my decision to end the marriage after the photo incident but I feel too weak to stand up to him. 

He has thrown some traumatic incidents from my past in my face saying they were my fault that it happened. It has taken me years to get past and stop blaming myself for what happened. He told me I am just like my father, who was an alcoholic abuser who blatantly cheated on my mother and was a known fact in my town he slept around with everyone... Then the next breathe he says he wants to work everything out and he loves me so much. 

He tells me if I leave I will ruin the kids lives and he will make sure they know that me leaving was because I was unfaithful and it is totally my fault. Now he says he is changing exactly the way I want. I text him that I was done, after telling him over and over on the phone and his reply was no you are not, I will never give up.

I have told him his is controlling and verbally abusive and he says I just make him out to be a monster so I can leave with a clean conscience. He smashed his phone in a fit of rage because I wouldn't answer. He is currently in a different state for an unknown amount of time but I am honestly scared of when he comes home. I am pretty much stuck in this house until he gets back though because I need to take care of his son... I just feel stuck and a week ago I was 100% sure of my decision to leave and now I don't know how to feel about anything...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is the counselor you have the appointment with someone associated with an organization that helps victims of abuse? If not, find that sort of organization and ask for their help.

Does your husband have family that leaves in your area? Does his ex have family near by?

How long is he gone for work at a time? 

Technically he can lose custody of his son because he's traveling for work and not taking care of his son himself. Having someone else, you, taking care of his son would not fit well with the court.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Is the counselor you have the appointment with someone associated with an organization that helps victims of abuse? If not, find that sort of organization and ask for their help.
> 
> Does your husband have family that leaves in your area? Does his ex have family near by?
> 
> ...


No, the counselor isn't one that helps victims of abuse.

Yes, he has family that lives around here and his ex as well.

This is the first time he has gone on the road for work and he claims to not know for how long. He could have come home every weekend but has yet to actually do it. He has stopped asking about the kids completely for over a week now.

We went to court right before he left for work. They are aware of his job and the mother still didn't get custody back of the child. But if we aren't together that will probably change. He has a few job options that are not on the road already so I am sure he could figure something out but none would pay as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

as753 said:


> No, the counselor isn't one that helps victims of abuse.


It might be very helpful for you to find an local organization that helps women who are in abusive relationships. They often offer sliding scare counseling. They should have resources that can help you get out of this situation.

Do an internet search on the terms and read up on these:
“domestic abuse exit plan” “domestic abuse safety plan” and “cycle of abuse”
You need to make an exit/safety plan. Usually leaving is too big a step to take… so instead with a plan/todo-list you can work each stop in your plan one-by-one. And when the time comes you will have worked your say out of this bad situation.


as753 said:


> Yes, he has family that lives around here and his ex as well.


Why don’t you get help from at least his parents to watch your step son? You need to get a job so that you start building your independence. It’s wrong for your husband to leave you in sole care of your step son. 


as753 said:


> This is the first time he has gone on the road for work and he claims to not know for how long. He could have come home every weekend but has yet to actually do it. He has stopped asking about the kids completely for over a week now.


How long has he been gone?


as753 said:


> We went to court right before he left for work. They are aware of his job and the mother still didn't get custody back of the child. But if we aren't together that will probably change. He has a few job options that are not on the road already so I am sure he could figure something out but none would pay as well.


Well, he needs to figure out how he’s going to raise his son on his own and then have your two children part time as well. That’s life for a man who mistreats his wife.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

I have been wavering on my decision to leave but things got real today. He started threatening to hurt me. He says I make up the fact that he is abusive so I can leave with a clear conscience. He started in with the threats again with taking the kids away. He says he is changing but I still see it every text message he sends and voice mail he leave. He called me 15 times in 2 hours today when he knew I was working (only work 8 hrs every other week) He kept getting more and more angry every time I didn't reply to his texts. I am scared. He wanted to talk to one of the kids, I told him I would let her talk as long as he kept the conversation appropriate for her (she is 3). I ended up hanging up on him because he was making nasty comments about me to her and he said if I don't let her talk how he wants he is getting the courts involved. My plans are pretty up in the air at the moment but I am no longer sitting on the fence. I am leaving, I need to do it for myself and my kids. Hopefully I can get out before he gets back, he is threatening to leave work today so he can come home to monitor what I leave with. He says I am only allowed to bring my clothes and nothing else. I just want out... but I won't leave my kids behind...


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Yep, you absolutely are married to an abuser. Many of the classic abuser behaviors are present in your account of him. You also exhibit classic victim traits. 

You need to immediately get a womens advocate to help you strategize your next steps. Your goal should be to get away from this guy and pursue a fast track divorce. 

He is waging a psychological warfare on you to manipulate you into staying and tolerating his abuse. These guys can literally put their victims under a mental spell that enables it. 

An advocate can help you filter his manipulation rhetoric and enable you to escape. Please get help now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a lawyer? You may have enough evidence to get him kicked out of the house. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

I am still here... I have started packing some things up today but I don't have anywhere to go. My brother was going to let me stay there until I could get into my own apartment but now is wavering on that decision. Low income housing has a two year wait list and the women's shelter doesn't have any opening and doesn't know when/if anything will become available...

He went from taking responsibility of his actions to now everything is completely my fault and I am the abuser... He says he treated me that way because of the way I acted. He says that because I don't want to jump straight to marriage counseling, I am the one that is manipulating him. I have told him repeatedly for over two weeks that I want to go to counseling and deal with my issues before I ever decide whether or not we can work on our marriage and have encouraged him to do the same. He will no go by himself and says I either go with him or he wont go...

I have no proof of anything. He will only say things that are truly damaging on the phone and when I bring those things up via text he says he never said that and I am making things up. He has also accused me of trying to trap him with texts of admitting something that could hurt the chances of him getting to keep the kids. 

He is still texting and calling constantly all day long. He asked to call the kids last night. So I let them call. I had no intentions of talking to him but he made them put me on the phone. He started in with his crap. Come on tell me you love me, what you cant say it louder? You don't want anyone to hear you? He will only talk to me on the phone or call when he knows I am not home so I can't record what is going on. I just don't know what to do anymore and not having anywhere to go with his unknown return to the house is making me feel a little crazy. 

I definitely can't stay in this house. We rent from his mom and he has already threatened to have his mom get involved and physically remove me from the property if he gives her the word. I just don't know what to do....


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

AS, the behaviors you describe are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my post in Maybe's Thread. If you decide that most of the BPD warning signs apply to your husband, I would be glad to suggest free online resources and a book that would be very helpful during your divorce process.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

Uptown said:


> AS, the behaviors you describe are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my post in Maybe's Thread. If you decide that most of the BPD warning signs apply to your husband, I would be glad to suggest free online resources and a book that would be very helpful during your divorce process.


wow that is scary accurate to him. Like every single thing...


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

Wow.. that is scary accurate.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

as753 said:


> Wow.. that is scary accurate.


 If so, I would suggest you speak to your therapist about it to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest you read_ Splitting: How to Protect Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder._ Further, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) in the "Co-Parenting After the Split" board at BPDFamily. While you're there, it would be prudent to read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. But don't forget those of us here at TAM. We want to keep helping you as long as you find our experiences useful.



> I feel like I am going crazy right now.


"Crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling if you've been living with a BPDer for the past five years. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused spouses feel like they may be losing their minds. It is extremely confusing and disorienting to live with a person who absolutely adores you much of the time but will flip, in ten seconds, to devaluing (or even hating) you. This is why therapists see far more of those abused spouses -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get out now.

He can't keep your kids from you.

This guy has serious issues.

Involving third parties in a marriage is always bad.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

Today, he text me that he needed to ask me a question but promised there would be no drama. I ended up calling him and he yelled at me for paying our joint phone bill and buying a coffee with his money. When he was finally done yelling at me he says I love you so much, give me a kiss. I ended up just hanging up. He called back and told me I am being ridiculous and I said that I have 3 kids to take care of and I needed money otherwise I would be going to file for child support. He says I am not allowed to do that because we are still married. He sent my charges to fraud investigation through the bank and told me not to spend any more of his money since I didn't want to be with him anymore. 

Not even five minutes after I hung up a second time crying, he started messaging me. He says he did nothing to warrant me crying and that I have issues I have not yet told him about and I am feeling guilty. He said we had a really good talk and I am mad because he is changing in to the man I want him to be and that I am pissed about it. Then he says how dare I put the kids in the middle of this. Honestly I am confused on how I did that, I need money to care for them whether we are together or not. That is me being realistic...He says me putting the kids in the middle of it is abuse and I have a crazy double standard and can't take responsibility for my actions.

I told him I was planning on getting the oil changed in his car today and that I needed to get the kids a couple more things for school.

He says it is fine but I am just trying to make him be the bad guy. And he wants to know why I am beating myself up, that I need to tell him what I am hiding. He says we need to be honest so this can go smoother. Then he asks where I am getting clothes, I respond with the two possible stores so when he checks the account they match up. He says go buy some clothes for yourself too.

Then he starts going on and on about how is he so different and he has changed so much in the last week. And I will be so surprised on how he is now that he is a totally different man. Then he makes fun of me and then tells me he swears he is different now.

Then he sends another 6 messages about how he is so different and he just wants to make me smile. He swears he will never make me cry again. And he says I better not be mean to him because he is different. Then he says life without you really f'in sucks.

I seriously am getting whiplash from his moods. I haven't text back since telling him the stores I would be going to. I just feel so confused...


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

My God. I feel so badly for you. I wish I had good advise or some way to support you, but I don't have much to offer. My heart bleeds just reading your story. 

I can confirm your husband is an awful abuser. Plain and simple. You must find some way to escape him as soon as you can. You must. I encourage you to search for a way.

Please see if there is some help to be gotten from other local organizations besides who you've already explored. If it's OK maybe you can divulge to us which area you live in so members of the TAM community can forward information to you. 

You might consider getting a VAR to record his communication with you. I think you should engage with him as little as possible to avoid escalating his abuse. 

Some people are crazy. Some people are evil. Some people are both. Your husband is both.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

IMO jealousy is nothing more than insecurity. Ask him why is he so insecure. Or maybe ask him if he is cheating. Sometimes the accuser is really the guilty party.

On another note, if he kills himself that's all on him. Don't let him blackmail you.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

Text me again tonight saying he needed to ask me a question. Just one and he would leave me alone. I ended up answering the phone. Didn't want him calling all night again. He made me swear on the kids that I an not talking to that guy anymore. I haven't in a while and have told him so repeatedly. He says I am lying and why can't I just be honest with him. Then he is asking if I am not talking to that guy who am I talking to because he knows I am looking for another man. I said I have only talked to my Sil and my mom and that would just be disgusting. He tells me I am lying again. He continued to tell me over and over that I am a liar and that I need to be honest. Finally I got him to talk to the kids. After they were done talking to him they told him I wanted to talk to him too. Honestly they don't know better so I get stuck on the phone with him again and he tells me he misses me so much and he was "taking care of business in the shower today" while he thought about how much he wants me. Then he is telling me he loves me so much and can't wait to come home and show me. I literally felt sick to my stomach. 

I called my mom. I feel crazy right now. She wanted to bring me over to the hospital to sign me in for a few days. I just can't deal with this. I can't and I can't just not talk to him because he will get more and more aggressive the more I don't respond. I am afraid if I don't respond for too long he will quit his job and just show up at the house. I don't want to see him. 

Edited to remove where I live since I am all set with help now.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

Just wanted to give anyone interested an update. I am currently housed in a hotel provided by a womans shelter. Things kept getting worse and worse and I was honestly scared. He is back home now and knows I'm gone, obviously, but he doesn't know where I am staying. He has been telling everyone who will listen how awful I am and I lied about everything that happened. He won't take responsibility for his actions and he doesn't believe his behavior in general was inappropriate. He keeps telling me a I am pathetic, sadistic,mentally unstable, deranged, ugh the list could go on forever. I have been going to counseling and hoping to be able to find a fresh start for me and my girls. This is definitely not easy but happy I have support from the shelter and my mom.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

as753 said:


> Just wanted to give anyone interested an update. I am currently housed in a hotel provided by a womans shelter. Things kept getting worse and worse and I was honestly scared. He is back home now and knows I'm gone, obviously, but he doesn't know where I am staying. *He has been telling everyone who will listen how awful I am and I lied about everything that happened. He won't take responsibility for his actions and he doesn't believe his behavior in general was inappropriate. He keeps telling me a I am pathetic, sadistic,mentally unstable, deranged, ugh the list could go on forever.* I have been going to counseling and hoping to be able to find a fresh start for me and my girls. This is definitely not easy but happy I have support from the shelter and my mom.


:smthumbup: Good for you! I'm so glad to hear you found courage to break away from this abusive jerk -- and that you have the shelter and your mom for backup. You didn't deserve what he did to you, and you don't now.

The part I bolded shows what kind of person he really is. You are a good woman and mother, so hold your head high. I know it hurts to hear him saying these things .... especially when you did nothing to deserve them. But guess what? Anyone who knows you will see through his lies. 

You *will* get through this, and come up smelling like a rose. Focus on YOU and your girls, and keep up the counseling. And please keep us posted. I read through your thread, and was really starting to worry.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Wishing you the best.

Courage and strength.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

Yesterday was a bad day. The social worker involved with his son and his mother contacted me that I needed to let him see the girls. My main worry was that once he had them he wouldn't let me get them back, which he has threatened many times over the last 6 weeks. It came true. He pretty much told me I am acting irrationally and until I go back to work on our marriage I won't be seeing them again. Seeings as it happened Friday night there is really nothing I can do, and even going through the court it could be weeks before I can get them back. After talking to him again today, he stressed on the points that I need help, that I am a drug abuser and alcoholic and my girls are in danger to be around me. Which is simply untrue. Yes, I the past I have had my fair share of issues with drinking 10 years ago but not since, and have only had one bad moment throughout all of this that I really wanted to drink but didn't. I haven't used drugs nor do I plan to. I am just so frustrated with all of this and feel like even though I left, I still have no control. I am really hurt that he would ever think I would hurt the girls, and honestly believe he is just trying to manipulate me to come back. He only wants to talk R with threats and ultimatums. When I bring up the kids, he changes right back to our marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are in a shelter, why have you been talking to him? The idea of being in a shelter is that he's not supposed to know where you are or how to reach you.

Do you have an attorney? You can ask them to file an emergency hearing. 

Him saying things like you are a drug user and an alcoholic are nonsense. Up until now he's had no problem with you taking care of the children. So obviously there is no problem. If he brings it up in court just offer to have a drug test done. And tell them that you want on done on him as well.


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## as753 (Sep 14, 2014)

I have numbers to a few attorneys that the shelter gave me yesterday. I will be calling first thing Monday morning. 

I am not officially in a shelter, I was ignoring his calls and texts completely until he got the DCF worker involved and had to take her calls. He also called the police on me saying I kidnapped the kids. They won't get involved and wanted to just do a wellness check but I ended up having them just talk to the shelter that placed me and haven't heard from them since. They told me no calls from them is good news.

He finally ended up letting me get the girls last night but I was extremely weary he would back out last minute and I think the only reason he finally agreed was because he would get to see me. Overall, it wasn't terrible, though he kept trying to kiss me... And kept saying over and over you can't do this.

Hopefully when I call the shelter on Monday, they will have a more permanent place for me, hoping I don't have to stay at the hotel too much longer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get in touch with an attorney ASAP. 

Have you checked into welfare, food stamps, etc?


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

as753 said:


> He pretty much told me I am acting irrationally and until I go back to work on our marriage I won't be seeing them again. Seeings as it happened Friday night there is really nothing I can do, and even going through the court it could be weeks before I can get them back.


He's talking smack (as we say where I come from). Get yourself a lawyer, and stand strong. And I want to stress this: *So glad you are not turning to alcohol or drugs to deal with this.* That, alone, tells me you have risen above that problem, that you are a good person, and that you have courage and strength.



> After talking to him again today, he stressed on the points that I need help, that I am a drug abuser and alcoholic and my girls are in danger to be around me. ... I am really hurt that he would ever think I would hurt the girls, and *honestly believe he is just trying to manipulate me to come back.*


That part I bolded? That is *exactly* what he's doing. Ask turnera to post the cycles of abuse, and read them carefully. Commit them to mind. He's trying to find something that makes you return to him .... even using your kids as pawns. *Do not be fooled.* Trust NOTHING he says. Communicate with him through a lawyer only.

I know all this hurts. You didn't deserve this -- you never did. And you don't now. Hold your head high, and see him for who he is: An abusive, manipulative jerk who is unfit to be YOUR husband and your children's father.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

as753 said:


> I have numbers to a few attorneys that the shelter gave me yesterday. I will be calling first thing Monday morning.


Good! Glad to hear this as well. 



> I am not officially in a shelter, I was ignoring his calls and texts completely until he got the DCF worker involved and had to take her calls. He also called the police on me saying I kidnapped the kids.


This, alone, should tell you what kind of man he really is: A sneaky, manipulative jerk who can't even talk with you directly. He has to get police and a DCF worker involved? Give me a break.



> He finally ended up letting me get the girls last night but I was extremely weary he would back out last minute and I think the only reason he finally agreed was because he would get to see me. *Overall, it wasn't terrible, though he kept trying to kiss me... And kept saying over and over you can't do this.*


Um, yeah, you *can* do this. He had no right to be treating you the way he did. You were a good and faithful wife and mother. And you have every right to feel safe, secure and loved by and with your own husband. He's not giving you that at all. Tough luck, buddy! He brought it on himself.

Stand firm!! He's trying to manipulate you into returning; that's how abusers attempt to keep control of their victims. But you left, and you're not a victim anymore. Just do your best to keep calm when and if you have to engage with him, and stick to your guns. And get that lawyer ASAP.

We're here for you and have your back.


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