# And guess what, it happened to me!



## jalden67 (3 mo ago)

“ first time caller long time listener.”

Well here goes, I somehow find myself here after being married for 20 years. Myself 47 and my wife 44, we both met at college in our early 20’s. Throughout the marriage our main strength was our love and commitment to one another. We both loved being around each other and our sex life has been really good. Our family includes a set of twin boys 14 years old, who are everything to us.

I work for a major airline as a pilot and my wife is a grade four teacher for a school across the city.

Early on in our relationship we built everything on love, trust and loyalty. Never would we ever question that commitment that we had.


My wife would always talk about her days teaching, usually with some hilarious stories about the kids or even her co-workers. So I got to hear about almost everyone at the school.

Early in the spring she joined a lunch hour walking club with the other teachers. In total it was about six females and four male teachers. As a 44 year old female, she is very attractive for her age. Soon a group of the staff included a Saturday walk and sometimes they even started at our place as our house backs onto a huge city park.

I first started noticing increased texting and slight changes in her appearance. Just more really nice clothes instead of the casual jeans and a t-shirt.

Then one Saturday the usual walking group just turned out to be my wife and the gym teacher, who happens to be 15 years younger.

Again I never thought anything other than walking took place (cue the head slap ).

Then more texting and I’d occasionally look over to sneak a peak who she was chatting with and saw the name of the gym teacher Devin. I brought it up with, “ better not text too late as he might wake up his parents.” After that little nugget I noticed she changed his name on her iPhone to just “D”. But no password, so it must be harmless banter I thought.

One evening after some wine with friends she put her iPhone on the charger and went to bed. Here was my chance as my gut was telling me something is off here. I started reading the texts between her and Devin and couldn’t finish as my hand was shaking so much. A lot of texts included the usual gossip at the school. Then there was a day where my wife was upset about her home life how she expected to be more ahead at her age ( weird because we are in a good place). Then they were exchanging pics, my wife drinking a coffee and him at the gym. No nudes whatsoever. But it was constant all times of the day and somehow I never caught on till now.

But I did notice as I was out of the country flying and they never met up, there were opportunities as my sons were out at their friends cottage.

And when I returned I signed on to iCloud with her Apple ID when she was out in the pool.
So now her texts were coming to my work iPad and it didn’t take long for them planning a walk.

But it gutted me as my wife volunteered to go over to his place. He declined and they started at our place when I was not home but the kids were that time. Then I noticed my wife telling Devin that I was going to be leaving on the Saturday going to Europe and the kids had sleepover plans. If he wanted to come over for a swim after the walk.

That day I put my uniform on, kissed her goodbye and said I’ll FaceTime from Paris tomorrow after I wake up. I drove around the block called work and booked off sick. Then read the text about what time he was going to arrive (7:00pm). At 6:50 I walked in the front door to see my wife come downstairs with a complete shock look on her face. Asked what happened to my trip. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling well and booked off. I noticed her looking at her cell phone on the desk and started walking towards it. Then I picked it up along with her car keys and said, “ what’s going on ?” She confessed everything and walked out to meet Devin in our driveway and explained the “jig is up!” My wife felt neglected, lonely, old and felt she needed something in her life. Then someone new started paying attention to her and she fell for it “ hook line and sinker”. Nine marriage counseling sessions later and we are back to being a stable couple again. But ...... But I can’t seem to let it go, I constantly want to bring it up and for sure the last bunch of arguments all started with me. My wife ended up leaving the school to become a sub -teacher not wanting to work with someone who she had an emotional affair with. My wife has insisted it will never happen again, I can have full access to all of her texts whatsoever.

But my last trip I thought about it all the way across the pond. I fear I look at her different now, not the young blonde I met years ago but some stranger living in my house.

That’s it .... that’s all ... I feel broken.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I don’t want to kick a man when he’s down but I hope you understand that it wasn’t just a swim she invited him over for, she was planning on cheating on you. And I hope you also understand that if you hadn’t caught her she would by now be having a full on affair with this guy. 
You caught her, she didn’t own up until she had to. 
Frankly I wouldn’t trust your wife and I really don’t know how you must feel when you’re not there.


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## jalden67 (3 mo ago)

I forgot to include, that night I came back after I confronted her, three others from her school came over that were invited. My wife called them before and asked if they wanted to come over for some drinks. Because we have a nice backyard for social settings I believe that there was a group invited by phone and Devin by texts. 
My wife insists that she was caught up in all the attention and did feel a closeness to her co-worker but insisted that everything was under control. She has had several solo counseling sessions with the marriage counselor who told me she believes my wife is telling the truth. 

Andy 1001,I feel that boundaries were broken and trust was trampled all over. I can’t just wake up tomorrow and everything be fine. Part of me feels I jumped too soon before anything sexual happened and now I live in this limbo feeling with a stranger.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

She's a liar -- maybe lying to herself as well, but a liar nonetheless. And she needs a better counselor. 

Did you ever get a timeline from her, to include each time they saw each other? Even if there wasn't any inappropriate physical contact so far, she knew exactly what she was up to, and SHE was the initiator! 

If you are going to make this work, she needs to either quit her job, or immediately transfer to another school in the district. And the "walking group" is done for her. She can't be trusted, you need to impose consequences and hold her to them.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Why didn't you confront Devin in the driveway ?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I guess you'll never know if it was just an EA or not. It will be difficult to rebuild the trust if you decide to give your marriage another chance. What about your kids?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jalden67 said:


> I forgot to include, that night I came back after I confronted her, three others from her school came over that were invited. My wife called them before and asked if they wanted to come over for some drinks. Because we have a nice backyard for social settings I believe that there was a group invited by phone and Devin by texts.
> My wife insists that she was caught up in all the attention and did feel a closeness to her co-worker but insisted that everything was under control. She has had several solo counseling sessions with the marriage counselor who told me she believes my wife is telling the truth.
> 
> Andy 1001,I feel that boundaries were broken and trust was trampled all over. I can’t just wake up tomorrow and everything be fine. Part of me feels I jumped too soon before anything sexual happened and now I live in this limbo feeling with a stranger.


I wouldn’t say that you jumped too soon. Any man wants to stop the affair in its tracks, especially when you have hard evidence already.

But you need to feel good about the after-plan and it doesn’t sound like you do.

Talking, honesty, and full transparency is critical. If you need to talk then do it. She should help you heal by giving you exactly what you need to do that.

If you’re committed to stay together, try Marriage Counseling. If you’re unsure then don’t.

She should be moving heaven and earth to make help you heal right now. If she’s not then I question if she’s really reformed. But for your part, healing won’t happen in a day. It takes time to be able to even look at her again.

In the end it’s your call. There’s no time limit to ending a marriage because of infidelity (even emotional ones). If your view of your wife has changed to the point that you can’t find your way back, then end it. Give her the life she wanted and let her be single.

Look at it this way, the old marriage is dead. She killed it. You have to decide if you want something new with this woman or not. If she’s genuinely remorseful and doing everything right, then maybe. If not then pull the plug.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jalden67 said:


> I forgot to include, that night I came back after I confronted her, three others from her school came over that were invited. My wife called them before and asked if they wanted to come over for some drinks


This ^^^^^ was a way to legitimize him being at your house. And the drinks were the foreplay. 100% she was planning for everyone else to leave while her and loverboy had some quality time in your bed.

You can tell this is true by her level of guilt when you confronted her. If it was simply emotional, there wouldn’t have been a “jig” to be up. She was just having a little party with friends. But you know that wasn’t the case.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Get yourself tested, get your financials in order, contact a lawyer and start focusing on yourself (working out, hobbies, friends). After you do all that then you have a decision to make, stay or leave. Do what is best for you.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> If you’re committed to stay together, try Marriage Counseling


I don't think they need marriage counseling, the marriage isn't broken, she is. She needs IC to figure out why she has such **** boundaries that she's willing to throw away her marriage and family for a romp with the young gym teacher... 

And she won't like this, but as I said above she needs to quit her teaching job or transfer away from that school. If I'm OP I won't accept anything less. He's a pilot that spends long amounts of time away from home, scheduled in advance. She needs to be absolutely killing herself to make him feel safe in this relationship, but she won't do that if he doesn't put his foot down and demand it.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> [...]My wife felt neglected, lonely, old and felt she needed something in her life.[...]


I refuse to believe she was feeling that way. She probably has it all and saw/heard colleagues cheating and getting away with it. The education sector is putrid with adultery. They have months of paid vacation time when and where they get to do anything and everything they want, including commit adultery. So it's no surprise they cheat so often.



> My wife has insisted it will never happen again, I can have full access to all of her texts whatsoever.


Some how, some way I don't think you believe that for a second. She will most likely do it again if given the chance. That dopamine rush is hard to forget.

I am of the camp that deviating from the marriage vows in such a blatant manner (she was going to have sex with the guy in your bed) is a point of no return and can only be settled with an amicable divorce. There's no way of coming back from this. I'd say start the 180 and end it with The Papers. It's the only way to get the thought out of your head.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> My wife insists that she was caught up in all the attention and did feel a closeness to her co-worker but insisted that everything was under control.


Hahahaha. Yeah right.

Best believe this: she invited the other 3 as a distraction, just in case nosy neighbors saw her and the OM alone. I bet the plan was for them to leave and for him to stay behind. And they probably knew there was something going on between your wife and the OM too. I’d send them an email and contact their significant others to let them know the type of behavior they were engaging in.

These animals must be outed.

I found out the really hard way how rampant promiscuity is in the field of education.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

OP, the bottom line is that she is the one that broke the marriage, she is the one that needs to fix it.
She is the one that needs to be doing the work in counseling to figure out, and correct, whatever malfunction(s) that led up to her betrayal.
She should be moving heaven and earth, utilizing all resources, in an attempt to restore trust and make you feel safe in the relationship. Is she doing this, or is she somewhat passive about things?
I guess that it is a positive that she semi- stepped away from her job, and is giving you some semblance of transparency through reading her texts, but it is nowhere near enough.
Maybe it is your narration of the story, but she doesn't seem like she is scared enough. It seems like things are very smooth and glossed over. She needs to be scared as hell. Is she fighting for you and the marriage? What is she willing to do? She should be offering you the moon.
The problem is that there are many more forms of communication than texting. She should be proposing an infrastructure that shows her location at all times. All forms of social media should be dead for her. It is good that you can monitor her phone through the tablet, that needs to stay in place.
You should get this book for her:









How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair


As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, therapist Linda J. MacDonald has identified behaviors and attitudes that determine unfaithful p...



www.goodreads.com





She needs to work the book hard. She should understand the damage that she did to your marriage, and she needs to understand that she is on thin ice.
You probably should consider doing more homework. You may want to make a list of things that are unsettling for you and you need answers for, and look at doing a polygraph on her. Inform her of this. Her reaction will be very telling.
You may as well accept that your current relationship is dead. That acceptance may make your position easier. The question is can she convince you that she is a person that you want to be with, and build a relationship with?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Why didn't you confront Devin in the driveway ?


I would have


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

One of the things I stumbled upon with education sector employees is that 1) they live a very socially intense life to the point that their school feels like a second home. So much so some education employees pivot, emotionally, to the school at the first sign of marital conflict (and it should be no surprise romance follows); 2) in some schools adultery is an open secret; 3) in some schools adultery is tolerated and they even have best-practices protocol; 4) all education employees back each other up (behavior fomented and encouraged by the different unions) and 5) for some of these education sector employees, there is a sort transition that takes many years but it basically culminates with their work bonds becoming their primary emotional bonds, meaning the husband ends up an outsider in the employee’s life, emotionally and often romantically.

The employees in this last stage have difficulty NOT going to work, calling in sick, etc. My XW once tried going to work in the middle of a blizzard. She crashed the car and then had the car towed to a mechanic near her school (which was 25 miles away).

I really do not know in what stage your wife is in but, to me, it sounds as though she’s just being introduced into the real goings on. I bet you would find a treasure trove of information if you were to somehow be able to gain access to her work communications.

And always remember: whatever she says she did, it’s ALWAYS much worst.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She may not have had sex with him yet, but it could have been leading there. Don't beat yourself up that you ''jumped too soon,'' emotions are what they are, and it was a normal reaction. I think it's better than burying your head in the sand, like many do.

If you want to stay in this marriage, she definitely should get into some counseling. i think what she was doing was a lead up to an affair, though. This is how they start...texting late and often, lunches, arranging times to get together, etc.

I'm not sure what to suggest to do...but, if you don't trust your wife at this point, it might be time to seek legal advice, and just weigh your options in the event you don't want to be married anymore. I think what would trouble me the most, if my husband were to do this, is the texts telling another woman that he was unhappy in his homelife. You sounded completely blindsided by that, but honestly? I think this is an eye opener for anyone reading this who doesn't understand why their spouse would cheat, because their life is so perfect. 

Cheaters, people who are seeking attention, etc...will sometimes make their homelife sound bad because this tells the other person that they're interested in, that there may be a chance with that person. No one says ''my life is awesome with my wife/husband, I just feel like cheating.'' lol I have a good friend whose husband cheated, and they're divorced now, but my friend came to find out that he told the OW that he was separating, and that was complete news to my friend. 

So, it's good that you shared that here, because cheaters often lie to the people they're interested in, to keep the attention flowing.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would have hidden somewhere watching them to see how far she (and Devin) took it.


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## Goose54 (Feb 11, 2018)

> Part of me feels I jumped too soon before anything sexual happened and now I live in this limbo feeling with a stranger.


I think you handled that correct, why let it go physical. You KNOW what was in her heart, like others have said, it was gonna happen that night. I don't believe I've ever seen it suggested, going back to the beginning of theses boards, suggested to let the A go physical when it could be stopped before that happened. 



> I would have hidden somewhere watching them to see how far she (and Devin) took it.


Welp, there it is, always a first and proven wrong.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Gotta say I was very impressed with how you caught her by calling in sick, doubling back home. I do think after others left, she and he woulda done the horizontal bop. Not in your bed. Maybe guest room or couch.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I am sorry OP but you will never look at your wife the same again. The naive innocence is gone 
forever. Get some counseling and figure out what you want to do and what you can live with.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@jalden67
let me get this

1- your wife has emotional affair
2- spend significant time with her affair partner via walk and text - away from you and kids
3- wait for you to leave to Europe
4- Plan a party for her affair partner in your ****in house
5- she is shocked you came back because it ruined her plan - of ****ing him

and she is sorry about what she did after you found out? you are you kidding? - this is no different than actually sleeping with him, not only that, she was planning this IN YOUR F HOUSE ON YOUR F BED and where your kids were raised and born.

was she wearing something new or nice and do you know if she had shaved down there when you got to the house?

being lonely and liked the attention is a lame excuse - what she is saying is that if something happens to you one day, like getting sick in cancer or sick were you cant move she will feel lonely and cheat.

the consoler is telling you she said the truth because he/she trying to repair a marriage not really because she is saying the truth.

I would take her for a Poly and ask if you planned sleeping with him. and I bet you anything that she at least had kissed him or had oral with him.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Goose54 said:


> I think you handled that correct, why let it go physical. You KNOW what was in her heart, like others have said, it was gonna happen that night. I don't believe I've ever seen it suggested, going back to the beginning of theses boards, suggested to let the A go physical when it could be stopped before that happened.
> 
> 
> Welp, there it is, always a first and proven wrong.


No...you're not wrong. Some comments are just comments and not good advice.
Waiting and watching would have ended with violence in many households. Bad idea.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She didn’t have everything under control — not even close. If it really wasn’t physical then it very soon would have been. You’ll never trust her again the way you once did and you shouldn’t. Now you have to try to rebuild and that’s never easy. I wish you well.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

jalden67 said:


> Part of me feels I jumped too soon before anything sexual happened and now I live in this limbo feeling with a stranger.


Brother, you were protecting and standing up for your marriage. Nothing at all wrong with that. What she did was, at the very least, extremely inappropriate and highly disrespectful of you and the marriage. A woman protects what she values, and it is obvious she does not value you or the marriage as much as she does getting her ego stroked. That is some shallow sh*t. And yes, I too think she was ready to defile every horizontal surface in your house with that guy if you had not walked in.

She needs to work on her boundaries. You and her need to sit down and come up with a written list of boundaries: rules both of you agree to live by in order for the relationship to have a chance of continuing. At the top of the list: NO friendships with the opposite sex, for either of you, at least for the next few years.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

At a minimum, have her write out a COMPLETE timeline of every interaction she ever had with this ahole. Then have HER pay for a polygraph to verify its veracity. Also have the question asked whether she was hoping for anything sexual to happen when he came over. Lastly, tell her if she wants you to even consider staying in this marriage she must sign a post-nup that favors you.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> […]You sounded completely blindsided by that[…]


Judging by his prefacing comment (“first time caller, long time listener”) I highly suspect his gut told him something was off a while ago.

What is probably eating him inside right now is not having taken action when his gut spoke to him the first time and not demanding his wife quit the shenanigans.

That feeling that you could’ve spared present marital problems and never took action never leaves you.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> “ first time caller long time listener.”
> 
> Well here goes, I somehow find myself here after being married for 20 years. Myself 47 and my wife 44, we both met at college in our early 20’s. Throughout the marriage our main strength was our love and commitment to one another. We both loved being around each other and our sex life has been really good. Our family includes a set of twin boys 14 years old, who are everything to us.
> I work for a major airline as a pilot and my wife is a grade four teacher for a school across the city.
> ...


Sir, I am so very sorry you find yourself here. A foundational cornerstone of your life, the strength and security you thought you had with your wife in your marriage, has been obliterated. The cement of that cornerstone was TRUST. That trust has been crushed and is now gone. This is a cruel and bitter blow indeed.

Im going to procede with my post as if this is an EA that has been caught in the early stages. Im not going to go into the "should haves" of how youve handled this except to encourage you to stop going to marriage counseling. Your marriage did not destroy your relationship, your wife did. She needs to be in IC asap. She needs to read..a lot. "Not Just Friends," and, "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", are an absolute must. 

Im not going to get into her whys and wherefores, this is for her to figure out. I hope she understands the scope of the hurt and destruction she has inflicted on you and unleashed on her marriage (whats left of it) and her family. I truly do. All of her rationalizing is nothing but a pile of excuses. Full stop.

I do want to focus on one thing for *you*. This comment is both very telling and relatable,* "I fear I look at her different now, not the young blonde I met years ago but some stranger living in my house." *All betrayeds feel this way in varying degrees and for different lengths of time. What I want to focus on now is the feeling of being trapped in a relationship that you did not chose. A marriage whos makeup you did not envision. Living with a now percieved stranger in a relationship that is supposed to be the most intimate and trusting you'll ever know in this life is not a blessing, its a curse. It is one that is already sapping the vitality out of your life and will continue to do so for a long time. I dont say this to pile on with negativity. I am being realistic with you.

Im going to encourage you to take some PTO for yourself and get away for a while. Take a trip to/with some friends. Get out from underneath and think. Read. Read books like "No More Mister Nice Guy", and "The Confident Male." Look up the 180 and implement certain parts of it for your own well being. Im encouraging you to detach from her. Dont be enmeshed. Dont do anything that looks like the "pick me dance". Figure out what you want for *your *life now that the landscape has so radically shifted. Take your life back, as, most assuredly, your future life's happiness hangs in the balance. This is not an overstatement, this is one voice of experience calling out to you to do whats best for *you*, as, most assuredly, *your* best interests were nowhere to be found during your wife's emotional affair.

So, now that you know you have a marital traitor in your home, take all the time you need to decide for yourself what you want your life to look like. As you do this, please count the cost. Should you chose to try and reconcile with her, you will need to know, to the best of your and her abilities, just who the hell you are supposed to be reconciling with? It will take a monumental amount of work on her part to be able to do this. Is she really willing? Are you willing to wade through this [email protected] for years? Rule of thumb is that it takes 3-5 years for majoritive healing to take place. If it sounds exhausting, its because it absolutely is.

I make no bones about the fact that I am an advocate for the Betrayed. Part of my advocacy is to feed into discussions with experienced input that I hope is realistic and pro-healing for the Betrayed, whether they chose R or D as a way forward.

So, again, take time away for yourself. To think. To start healing. To read. To regain your sense of self apart from her.

Strength, healing and clarity to you sir.

ETA: In light of some other posts, I'd like to highlight the oft quoted mantra of recovering cheaters and betrayeds alike, "The responsibility of the health of the marriage is 50/50, the responsibility of marital betrayal is 100% on the traitor." Never, ever buy into the lie that betrayal is somehow on the shoulders of the betrayed. I categorically reject that concept as do the vast majority of those recovering from betrayal. Last I looked, there were no exceptions listed in the marriage vows.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> “ first time caller long time listener.”
> 
> Well here goes, I somehow find myself here after being married for 20 years. Myself 47 and my wife 44, we both met at college in our early 20’s. Throughout the marriage our main strength was our love and commitment to one another. We both loved being around each other and our sex life has been really good. Our family includes a set of twin boys 14 years old, who are everything to us.
> I work for a major airline as a pilot and my wife is a grade four teacher for a school across the city.
> ...


Sorry, but you have a major problem.
As an ex-divorce legal executive myself I can tell you the number one reasons why wives cheat or file for divorce is because they claim their husbands were not giving them enough intimacy and attention or their husbands were not there for them.
Main male occupations that have infidelity among their wives: policeman, doctors, military servicemen, oil workers, airline stewards and airline pilots. All professions that involve husbands being away from home for long term periods.
So lets look at the situation in more detail..
You and your wife have been together since your early 20s.
She is a middle aged woman of 44 and you have a job that takes you away for long periods at a time, which means your wife has the main task of caring for your14 year old twin boys, not an easy job.
At 44 your wife probably feels there is a lack of zest and stimulation in her life and time is passing her by. She could also be going through the stages of menopause or post menopause that can cause depression and anxiety.
Keeping tabs on her activities is no guarantee your wife will stop associating with those people and the guy. You will always have to be on your alert, watch what she`s doing, who with and that`s no way to continue on in a marriage.
No matter how many marriage counseling sessions you have still won`t alleviate your insecurities.
What this means is, you need to be there a lot more often with your wife because if that`s not possible then if she hasn`t already cheated, your wife is a cheater waiting to happen. And this is what I mean by, you have a major problem.
Rather than arguing and chastising her because you don`t believe she is acting appropriately as a married woman, you need to discuss with your wife her feelings and anxieties and give her some assurances that the situation will change for the better and in the foreseeable future you are going to be there for her.
If you can`t then sorry to say your marriage is doomed to failure.
Anyway think about it and good luck.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BoSlander said:


> Judging by his prefacing comment (“first time caller, long time listener”) I highly suspect his gut told him something was off a while ago.
> 
> What is probably eating him inside right now is not having taken action when his gut spoke to him the first time and not demanding his wife quit the shenanigans.
> 
> That feeling that you could’ve spared present marital problems and never took action never leaves you.


Yea, but if someone is feeling bored/lost/whatever, they will find new opportunities. In other words, the OP could have stopped this in time, but if his wife doesn’t really commit to doing some work on herself and just showers him with promises and make-up sex, it will happen again. Because the root cause isn’t the OP.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

So your wife is 44 and the other guy is 29? I wouldn't just let her walk ...I would kick her out the door. Then after he uses and dumps her..which 100% will happen....you can have the last laugh when she comes crawling back. Once a cheat, always a cheat in my book.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My opinion:
You are going to rug sweep this and try to get the sense of security and trust you once had— and it’ll never happen. Had you not stepped in, your wife would (with 100% certainty on my part) have had sex and had sex regularly with this guy every time you were away in a flight.

But she didn’t have a chance.
if you can live with having a disloyal wife who doesn’t love you like you love her, here is what I’d do:

I would file for divorce and see what kind of settlement she would be willing to give you. If you feel she’s in any way not being totally fair and actually giving you your retirement and not touching it, I’d follow through with the divorce. You really find out about a person’d true motivations in a divorce. If she stayed remorseful, and treated you right, and worked her tail off making things right with you (they never will be), I might cancel the divorce at the last minute. But I’d have HER working toward fixing things, afraid to death of losing you, and put her life in ruin for a while.

If you don’t go nuclear, I think you are showing your wife weakness, showing her you value her more than yourself, and she will cheat again.

Lastly, I would also go to the school principal and explain what happened. They can ignore or do whatever, but I’d absolutely bring some negativity inhis life. And I’d also have confronted him in my driveway. You messed up there. You should have sent the scumbag packing and even the neighbors down the street should have heard you do so. But that’s past. Anyway, I’m sorry you’re in this, but if you don’t f her life up for a while and let her see what can happen as a result of her cheating (she DID cheat, no almost to it), you can know it will happen again. She needs a harsh, life altering wake-up call. Don’t be weak. Let the hammer down. Or you’ll always have a wife that is with you for security and not romance. Honestly, she may have ruined her feelings for you already. JMO


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lastly, I would also go to the school principal and explain what happened. They can ignore or do whatever, but I’d absolutely bring some negativity inhis life. And I’d also have confronted him in my driveway. You messed up there. You should have sent the scumbag packing and even the neighbors down the street should have heard you do so. But that’s past. Anyway, I’m sorry you’re in this, but if you don’t f her life up for a while and let her see what can happen as a result of her cheating (she DID cheat, no almost to it), you can know it will happen again. She needs a harsh, life altering wake-up call. Don’t be weak. Let the hammer down. Or you’ll always have a wife that is with you for security and not romance. Honestly, she may have ruined her feelings for you already. JMO


I don't know about that. I see your point, but these are consenting adults...and it's not the school's problem that one of their teachers was having a possible EA with a colleague. If the school fires him, they'll have a lawsuit, because this was a consenting situation. If he had sexually harassed her, sure. It sends a message to that ONE guy to think twice about ever approaching his wife again, but so what. He's not the issue, he's just a symptom.

If the OP ''scares'' his wife (with these actions) into remaining faithful, is that a worthwhile goal?

I do think he could have confronted the guy, but even then...it's not this one guy that's the issue. It's his wife, and there will be other men, if he rug sweeps this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I don't know about that. I see your point, but these are consenting adults...and it's not the school's problem that one of their teachers was having a possible EA with another teacher. If the school fires him, they'll have a lawsuit, because this was a consenting situation. If he had sexually harassed her, sure.
> 
> If the OP scares his wife (with these actions) into remaining faithful, is that a worthwhile goal?
> 
> I do think he could have confronted the guy, but even then...it's not this one guy that's the issue. It's his wife, and there will be other men, if he rug sweeps this.


I don’t think they’d fire him, but he’d most definitely be talked to. And I have experience in this area. It’s possible they might send one or the another to another school. 
My thoughts are that the fear of loss might shake her out of her mindset of being in love with the other man(let’s face it, she is). It might get him out of her head and she may fall back in love with her husband. As it is, all he has is a wife in name only. Her heart belongs to the other guy or she wouldn’t be wanting to be with him every second. 

I agree with you mostly. In all fairness, he would likely be better off divorcing her. So starting the process in my mind is a win-win.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

gameopoly5 said:


> Rather than arguing and chastising her because you don`t believe she is acting appropriately as a married woman, you need to discuss with your wife her feelings and anxieties and give her some assurances that the situation will change for the better and in the foreseeable future you are going to be there for her.
> If you can`t then sorry to say your marriage is doomed to failure.
> Anyway think about it and good luck.


Yeah, it's his fault. 

Not really.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t think they’d fire him, but he’d most definitely be talked to. And I have experience in this area. It’s possible they might send one or the another to another school.
> My thoughts are that the fear of loss might shake her out of her mindset of being in love with the other man(let’s face it, she is). It might get him out of her head and she may fall back in love with her husband. As it is, all he has is a wife in name only. Her heart belongs to the other guy or she wouldn’t be wanting to be with him every second.
> 
> I agree with you mostly. In all fairness, he would likely be better off divorcing her. So starting the process in my mind is a win-win.


Her heart belongs to a fantasy, not necessarily that one guy. He was just the guy in the moment. I get what you’re saying but he’ll never know then if his wife stayed with him from her own desire, or if she felt coerced. I just think bringing this mess to the school’s attention is excessive and doesn’t ensure it will never happen again. Idk, maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t want the whole town finding out that my marriage is not going well. It doesn’t just affect the guy, it affects the OP because people will talk. I guess opinions vary on this.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> One of the things I stumbled upon with education sector employees is that 1) they live a very socially intense life to the point that their school feels like a second home. So much so some education employees pivot, emotionally, to the school at the first sign of marital conflict (and it should be no surprise romance follows); 2) in some schools adultery is an open secret; 3) in some schools adultery is tolerated and they even have best-practices protocol; 4) all education employees back each other up (behavior fomented and encouraged by the different unions) and 5) for some of these education sector employees, there is a sort transition that takes many years but it basically culminates with their work bonds becoming their primary bonds, meaning the husband ends up an outsider in the employee’s life, emotionally and often romantically.
> 
> The employees in this last stage have difficulty NOT going to work, calling in sick, etc. My XW once tried going to work in the middle of a blizzard. She crashed the car and then had the car towed to a mechanic near her school (which was 25 miles away).
> 
> ...


I think could be “don’t ask, don’t tell” going on. Others know (wink-wink) but don’t let on.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> My opinion:
> You are going to rug sweep this and try to get the sense of security and trust you once had— and it’ll never happen. Had you not stepped in, your wife would (with 100% certainty on my part) have had sex and had sex regularly with this guy every time you were away in a flight.
> 
> But she didn’t have a chance.
> ...


OP, this is the best advice in the thread.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yeah, it's his fault.
> 
> Not really.


I did not say it`s the OP`s fault neither did I say what his wife done or is doing is right, I`m simply placing this into another perspective and what may be the cause.
I worked a a Samaritan for 2 years in the UK, and have an ability to look into situations through another persons eyes and not just skimming the surface automatically assuming a person is bad.
I don`t know for how long the OP has had a job that takes him away for long periods and how long he is away from home each month or year.
I do not condone cheating in any shape or form, in-fact having been cheated on by my first wife, I loathe cheaters.
It appears to me that the OP`s wife has become discontented and my point being unless this family`s domestic situation changes, than this marriage is going to fail one way or another.
So as I stated earlier, the OP has a major problem and he needs to get this sorted soon, otherwise this is a divorce waiting to happen.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> I forgot to include, that night I came back after I confronted her, three others from her school came over that were invited. My wife called them before and asked if they wanted to come over for some drinks. Because we have a nice backyard for social settings I believe that there was a group invited by phone and Devin by texts.
> My wife insists that she was caught up in all the attention and did feel a closeness to her co-worker but insisted that everything was under control. She has had several solo counseling sessions with the marriage counselor who told me she believes my wife is telling the truth.
> 
> Andy 1001,I feel that boundaries were broken and trust was trampled all over. I can’t just wake up tomorrow and everything be fine. Part of me feels I jumped too soon before anything sexual happened and now I live in this limbo feeling with a stranger.


You can and absolutley should require a polygraph to help ascertain the veracity of her claim. "Were you planning on having sex with Devin while I was gone on that trip?", Y/N, should be one of the 3-4 questions included including, "Did you ever have sex with Devin?" Y/N, "Did you ever kiss Devin?" Y/N. "Have you ever had sex with anyone else during our marriage?", Y/N. Limbo is absolutley untenable. Her reaction to this requirement for reconciliation will also tell you a lot.

Listen, when trust is broken, it is BROKEN. Do not minimize or allow minimization. Do not rug sweep or allow rug sweeping. Betrayeds routinely get tested for STDs and have paternity tests done for their children. Actions of ultimate betrayal have consequences. These actions are part of those consequences IMO.

ETA: I have no problem with you raining down consequences on the AP's life. Your CW should have already sent a no contact text/email to this POS. If you want to send a letter to the prinicipal and/or school board letting them know that they have a cheatin scumbag single douche of a teacher going after married female staff members, do it. Let them know that you have the correspondence to prove it. Sure it takes two to tango, but he needs to feel the repercussions too. Who knows what other wives he is now targeting at that school? Rain it down brother. Rain it down.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

In my book, there is not much difference between her having sex with him and her wanting to have sex with him. This relationship was clearly on the path to becoming physical. Does she at least admit to this? 
You are in a terrible position because your job situation will always provide her with opportunity to cheat. It will be very difficult for you to re-establish trust in her. She better be moving heaven and earth to make you feel safe.
She will take one of 2 paths. She might remain true to you. She might just get better at coving her tracks. It can be as simple as using a burner phone. 
You may want to consider having her take a polygraph and also consider getting a post nup. Discuss these options with her. It will reinforce how serious this situation is.
I would also ask her if she is aware of other teachers who are having affairs. If she is. ask her how she handles these situations. Ask her if other teachers knew what was going on. She most likely just looks the other way. Tell her she has to figure out a way to regain your trust when she works in an environment where cheating is accepted. 
If the gym teacher is married, contact his wife an let her know what has been going on.
I fear that you are unlikely to successfully reconcile due to the work circumstances you live with. Your only hope is if you can both communicate how you feel and what you need with brutal honesty. I think it is the only chance you have.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I think could be “don’t ask, don’t tell” going on. Others know (wink-wink) but don’t let on.


Dude, some schools even have a system of pairing up cougar female teachers with young (male) “meat” under the guise that she’s going to “show him around.” Little does he know he’s slowly being groomed for a few nights of punani action. And they wine-and-dine these poor kids, get them gifts, invitations to pool parties, etc.

These people are sick animals.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Hi OP.
You did very well uncovering this affair. I agree with all the others, she was ready to f*ck this guy. 
I would either bring this up with the school principal or superintendent that there was inappropriate texting going on here. This assh*le other man is likely to wreck other marriages if he's not reprimanded. As part of marriage reconciliation, your wife should be willing to back up your complaint to management and confess to inappropriate texting, and yes this could end her job.

Your wife is a sneaky one man. You're reconciling your marriage, right? Best you keep one eye open. Lucky you - you get to monitor your cheating wife making sure she behaves herself.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@jalden67










Edited to add this link: Understanding Your Loyal Spouse
It might be helpful if your disloyal spouse were to read this so both of you understand why you feel like you do!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

With the information presented thus far, we can’t say for sure whether they had sex before getting busted or not. 

If reconciliation is the goal, then there is a big difference between stopping before actual physical intimacies occur.

Once someone has actual sex and orgasms etc, they are flooded with a whole bunch of bonding and feel-good and horny hormones and and become much more attached to the AP and often will become resentful and even hostile towards the BS. 

….even if they beg for forgiveness and a second chance when they get busted and the AP throws them under the bus. 

And the BS is often times much more embittered and experiences a much more deeper level of detachment and hostility if actual sex occurs, especially a BH. 

So reconciliation becomes much more difficult and lesser likelihood of long term success if actual sex occurs.

But now if the BS is determined to dump the BS for the EA and for wanting and planning to get down, then breaking up the affair before sex may not stop the divorce, but it might make the divorce less hostile and contentious.

Either way, the best time to stop it is as soon as it is discovered and preferably before the clothes hit the floor.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> “ first time caller long time listener.”
> 
> Well here goes, I somehow find myself here after being married for 20 years. Myself 47 and my wife 44, we both met at college in our early 20’s. Throughout the marriage our main strength was our love and commitment to one another. We both loved being around each other and our sex life has been really good. Our family includes a set of twin boys 14 years old, who are everything to us.
> I work for a major airline as a pilot and my wife is a grade four teacher for a school across the city.
> ...


In a nut shell, it has happened to me, and sadly I have been on the other side as well. More then 20 years later I still needed closure on her emotional side of her affair, very recently I got it, the physical aspect was long ago delt with and forgiven that was easy by comparison to the emotional side of it, but it took me finally being honest about my own responsibility in my part of her EA, she was left feeling neglected and feeling unloved, unwanted and feeling alone. I did that to her. I owned it much later because I was feeling those feelings and couldn’t understand why, we have been married 35+ years and it was still an issue until I was able to own my part. Your wife has work to do for sure, so do you..! Don’t just blame her for all, you must own your part too. Only then can you finally see your path back to her clearly or the path to the door.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jalden67 said:


> “ first time caller long time listener.”
> 
> Well here goes, I somehow find myself here after being married for 20 years. Myself 47 and my wife 44, we both met at college in our early 20’s. Throughout the marriage our main strength was our love and commitment to one another. We both loved being around each other and our sex life has been really good. Our family includes a set of twin boys 14 years old, who are everything to us.
> I work for a major airline as a pilot and my wife is a grade four teacher for a school across the city.
> ...


Your not back to being a stable couple, you are settling. OF COURSE you are bringing it up. Your wife lived a double life and abused you in a horrible fashion, and you blame yourself. If she needed more attention from you she should have talked to you. 

You should cut your losses now and find someone else. OR you should accept this is what your life will be. No one NO ONE takes back someone who does this to them and has a great marriage. If they say they do their lying, probably to themself first. It's not possible, because your wife is cruel, no different then the guy who punches his wife in the face and says, why did you make me so angry that I had to do that. You are allowing her to make excuses for that.

My advice is to be assertive, say how you feel, tell her that you are questioning if you can stay. Make her work for it. Know your worth and demand it. Take your agency back. Detach and heal yourself so you can be empowered enough to decide if the quality of your life with her is worth it. 

I would also stop marriage counseling, that requires you to be vulnerable and it's not smart for you to do that right now. She has to build good faith to give you a foundation to try to do that. Your wife is not an emotionally safe person for you right now. 

Right now it's once again cruel to expect to punch someone in the face and then work on the reasons "why you did it" which is what she is doing. Just plain BS. 

I'm sorry man but this isn't going to work it's just going to make you miserable.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jalden67 said:


> I forgot to include, that night I came back after I confronted her, three others from her school came over that were invited. My wife called them before and asked if they wanted to come over for some drinks. Because we have a nice backyard for social settings I believe that there was a group invited by phone and Devin by texts.
> My wife insists that she was caught up in all the attention and did feel a closeness to her co-worker but insisted that everything was under control. She has had several solo counseling sessions with the marriage counselor who told me she believes my wife is telling the truth.
> 
> Andy 1001,I feel that boundaries were broken and trust was trampled all over. I can’t just wake up tomorrow and everything be fine. Part of me feels I jumped too soon before anything sexual happened and now I live in this limbo feeling with a stranger.


Dude al of that is your choice. You have agency. You have a choice on what you will accept.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BelsBeast66 said:


> In a nut shell, it has happened to me, and sadly I have been on the other side as well. More then 20 years later I still needed closure on her emotional side of her affair, very recently I got it, the physical aspect was long ago delt with and forgiven that was easy by comparison to the emotional side of it, but it took me finally being honest about my own responsibility in my part of her EA, she was left feeling neglected and feeling unloved, unwanted and feeling alone. I did that to her. I owned it much later because I was feeling those feelings and couldn’t understand why, we have been married 35+ years and it was still an issue until I was able to own my part. Your wife has work to do for sure, so do you..! Don’t just blame her for all, you must own your part too. Only then can you finally see your path back to her clearly or the path to the door.


No wonder you have been unhappy for 20 years. Wow.

Never love someone enough to allow them to abuse you, but more so that you take ownership for even a part of that abuse. If you do you will suffer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

just an additional note: The way you describe the texts and progression, it looks like your wife has pursued this gym coach, not the other way around. It almost looks like she was pressing HIM and seducing HIM—— which in my opinion makes it even harder to swallow. But make no mistake, old boy knew what what going on. He knew he wasn’t being invited over for a bbq burger and a coke. 
But he was just accepting what he knew was about to be offered. I would place far more blame on your wife in this situation than normally it should anyway. She cheated, not him. But he needs to see some poo hit the fan too I think.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> just an additional note: The way you describe the texts and progression, it looks like your wife has pursued this gym coach, not the other way around. It almost looks like she was pressing HIM and seducing HIM—— which in my opinion makes it even harder to swallow. But make no mistake, old boy knew what what going on. He knew he wasn’t being invited over for a bbq burger and a coke.
> But he was just accepting what he knew was about to be offered. I would place far more blame on your wife in this situation than normally it should anyway. She cheated, not him. But he needs to see some poo hit the fan too I think.


It's very clear she was the instigator, and was pursuing him. He turned her down at least once when she wanted to meet him at his place...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BelsBeast66 said:


> ...but it took me finally being honest about my own responsibility in my part of her EA, she was left feeling neglected and feeling unloved, unwanted and feeling alone. I did that to her. ...Your wife has work to do for sure, so do you..! *Don’t just blame her for all, you must own your part too.* Only then can you finally see your path back to her clearly or the path to the door.


@jalden67 ,

Respectfully, I would disagree with this. The condition of your marriage PRIOR to the Emotional Affair (EA) would be something you could examine, but the actual responsibility for the EA is 100% all on her. Here's why: let's say that as she said, she felt unloved, unwanted, lonely, etc. A faithful spouse would have come to you, tell you she was feeling unloved, unwanted, and/or lonely as you were away flying so much, and requested that the two of you work it out to stay connected or reconnect. That's reasonable. Also, in a healthy relationship one spouse is not responsible for the feelings of the other spouse. My spouse doesn't "make me happy" or "make me feel lonely"--I choose that feeling. So even if you did fly a lot, she chose to feel lonely. She could have chosen to be content or to enjoy her "alone time"!

She chose to continue flirting, continue suggesting, continue covering up, continue crossing the line further and further...all those choices are 100% ENTIRELY on her and her responsibility. You did not know what was going on, so you aren't responsible for that! Your part in her EA was 0%.

I'm not suggesting that the focus here be on "who's to blame" but rather, to take responsibility where it's due. Yes, it is reasonable to look at the condition of your marriage prior to the EA and see if there are some areas where you could grow and be a better man and husband. But you are *NOT *at all responsible for her feelings--she chooses them--and you are *NOT *at all responsible for her deliberate choices to be dishonest and commit emotional adultery. The dishonesty, disrespect, and infidelity is 100% HER CHOICE and thus *HERS *to work through personally and work to repair (IF you are so generous as to allow her that opportunity)!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Goose54 said:


> I think you handled that correct, why let it go physical. You KNOW what was in her heart, like others have said, it was gonna happen that night. I don't believe I've ever seen it suggested, going back to the beginning of theses boards, suggested to let the A go physical when it could be stopped before that happened.
> 
> 
> Welp, there it is, always a first and proven wrong.


I did not say to let it go physical, "goosey", but to see what her were intentions were more clearly! To see if she would wait till the others left after the run, see what she was planning to do next and catch her when there could be no denying it. As it is, it has played out well - if he had acted any more than he did on his original gut feel it would have been too early and he would be left in limbo, wondering. Now he knows with more surety. And had he waited until the last minute and then blocked it he would know undeniably.

As for outing the other guy to the school, both would definitely get reprimanded as they were breaching contract - it normally is a condition of the employment that there will be no shenanigans with other faculty members during employment.

You did well OP and you will never know the real truth here. She has been with you since young, is left alone a lot, with you travelling to (in her mind) exotic locations and her having a boring humdrum life at home with the kids - it comes as no surprise that she responded to and maybe even initiated this with some young virile buck - reaffirming her attractiveness, femininity, and adventurous life all in one. My only question would be just how far she was willing to go from flirting, making out, having sex, to maybe even leaving the marriage eventually?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> Dude al of that is your choice. You have agency. You have a choice on what you will accept.


Fascinating! Now i get it because I’ve notic


BoSlander said:


> Dude, some schools even have a system of pairing up cougar female teachers with young (male) “meat” under the guise that she’s going to “show him around.” Little does he know he’s slowly being groomed for a few nights of punani action. And they wine-and-dine these poor kids, get them gifts, invitations to pool parties, etc.
> 
> These people are sick animals.


fascinating! I wonder if some older/younger women pairings have same goal.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> just an additional note: The way you describe the texts and progression, it looks like your wife has pursued this gym coach, not the other way around. It almost looks like she was pressing HIM and seducing HIM—— which in my opinion makes it even harder to swallow. But make no mistake, old boy knew what what going on. He knew he wasn’t being invited over for a bbq burger and a coke.
> But he was just accepting what he knew was about to be offered. I would place far more blame on your wife in this situation than normally it should anyway. She cheated, not him. But he needs to see some poo hit the fan too I think.


This is also why bringing this to the attention of the school/his employer will make the OP look even more foolish. They are adults. She's not a student. She's his peer, and this conduct didn't go on during school, or disrupted their jobs. They did this largely out of work. Employers aren't responsible for their employees having affairs after hours. She needs to own this 100%. He is shameful, but just a random dude who came along...

I'm not defending him at all, just don't see how bringing this to the attention of the school solves anything, except appear vengeful on the part of the OP. If I were the principal I'd say, so you want to blame us for your marital problems?

And there will be more of these situations, if the OP rug sweeps, hoping this was just a one-off ''phase.''


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> This is also why bringing this to the attention of the school/his employer will make the OP look even more foolish. They are adults. She's not a student. She's his peer, and this conduct didn't go on during school, or disrupted their jobs. They did this largely out of work. Employers aren't responsible for their employees having affairs after hours. She needs to own this 100%. He is shameful, but just a random dude who came along...
> 
> I'm not defending him at all, just don't see how bringing this to the attention of the school solves anything, except appear vengeful on the part of the OP. If I were the principal I'd say, so you want to blame us for your marital problems?
> 
> And there will be more of these situations, if the OP rug sweeps, hoping this was just a one-off ''phase.''


Had same thought. not with a student, no biz of the school officials.


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## RTMworm (3 mo ago)

I hate to see what happened with you two. But it's best to assume that (given the chance) your wife will always cheat on you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Had same thought. not with a student, no biz of the school officials.


If his behavior was aggressive and she was some shrinking violet who caved and started having sex with him or whatever, that would be different. If the behavior happened during school hours, maybe. Or he was her boss, etc…But, grown adults cheating? That's not an employer's responsibility to become the moral police of our marriages.

If anything, now everyone knows your business and the guy sues the OP for slander. Not that he'll win, but it could turn ugly and you really need to decide if that's the battle you want to fight. One that has nothing to do with why the OP's wife cheated or thought about cheating.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> If his behavior was aggressive and she was some shrinking violet who caved and started having sex with him or whatever, that would be different. If the behavior happened during school hours, maybe. But, grown adults cheating? That's not an employer's responsibility to become the moral police of our marriages.


It really depends on the if there was a power imbalance, if she was in a mentor role or not. 

I also think personally, if I owned a business I would want to know if my employees were having affairs because I believe character is character, it's not poor in just one aspect of someones life. Someone who is immoral and reckless enough to lie to the primary person in their life at the possible cost of their entire emotional and financial safety is not a good choice for someone I would want to employee. Again they are just too reckless. Not to mention the additional nonsense that my business may have to address because of the fall out. Nope: "your fired" would be what I was saying and I would be grateful to be ahead of it.

But then as we all know at this point, I'm not nice.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sokillme said:


> It really depends on the if there was a power imbalance, if she was in a mentor role or not.
> 
> I also think personally, if I owned a business I would want to know if my employees were having affairs because I believe character is character, it's not poor in just one aspect of someones life. Someone who is immoral and reckless enough to lie to the primary person in their life at the possible cost of their entire emotional and financial safety is not a good choice for someone I would want to employee. Again they are just too reckless. Not to mention the additional nonsense that my business may have to address because of the fall out. Nope: "your fired" would be what I was saying and I would be grateful to be ahead of it.
> 
> But then as we all know at this point, I'm not nice.


I totally get where you’re coming from. I’ve just never been into the idea of betrayed spouses torching the other person’s life as a way to remedy their marriage problems. In the end, you’re still waking up everyday with a cheater in your bed. Revenge may appear to bring satisfaction, but it really doesn’t. Just my opinion but everyone thinks differently on this point, I know.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Appears the OP has taken a powder and gone quite.
I would still like to know; how long the OP has had a job that takes him away for long periods and how long he is away from home each month or year?


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

I hate to tell you this but if you stay with this woman, you need to take serious pracautions from now on....cameras in your home, gps tracking her car, monitoring accounts, checking for burner phones(s), surprise returns home, etc. You may even spot check with a PI from time to time. This may seem extreme to you but I assure you....it is not. Read around here, survivinginfidelity.com, loveshack.org and others to see how conniving cheaters can be.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

OP, if you come back to this post, you really need to hold her accountable and her feet to the fire. She was going to do the “horizontal mambo“ with this fellow. Do not let her lead you to believe otherwise. You are nowhere near ready for marriage counseling (MC) yet, she needs individual counseling (IC) to see what is broken in her. 

By no means should you trust her at the current point in time. I would also have a talk with the other teachers and particularly “Mr. Gym”.

Consider reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy” as well as “Grow A Pair” by Larry WInget.

There is one word for what she did…UNNACCEPTABLE!


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

My two cents. I believe her. 

Just be happy you stopped it before it got physical. If she really loves you, she will be loyal from now on. Not every cheater is a repeat offender. She is probably being very honest with you. 

I know this from experience.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Schools and Hospitals are the worst place for affairs. My old high school football coach divorced his wife who was also a teacher at my high school as she was banging another teacher. I have served on a hospital board. We had to deal many a time over the 6 years I was on the board with doctor-staff affairs. One of my friends caught his wife banging the doctor she worked under….he caught the doc in between floors in a stairwell and proceeded to beat the living hell out of the doc. Thankfully charges were never pursued by the doc.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Goose54 said:


> I think you handled that correct, why let it go physical. You KNOW what was in her heart, like others have said, it was gonna happen that night. I don't believe I've ever seen it suggested, going back to the beginning of theses boards, suggested to let the A go physical when it could be stopped before that happened.
> 
> 
> Welp, there it is, always a first and proven wrong.


Yeah, I have seen it suggested frequently. The rationale is that since cheaters lie so much, and one will never get the truth from them, give them enough rope etc. I think it is decent advice.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

TXSDR said:


> My two cents. I believe her.
> 
> Just be happy you stopped it before it got physical. If she really loves you, she will be loyal from now on. Not every cheater is a repeat offender. She is probably being very honest with you.
> 
> I know this from experience.


I would caution him. Not let her off so easily. She needs to sweat.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Unpopular opinion here. As a wife who made the very regrettable choice of having an affair three years into my marriage. I did everything I could to completely sever ties to the AP. I quit my job, no contact totally, even moved to another state. 

I did not stray ever again. However, my husband had no true intention of forgiving me. As was his right, but he also would not let me go, I was property and he was going to make me pay for what I did. I lived that way for over ten years.

All I’m saying is, it’s hard work. And it’s not just work she has to out in IF you want to stay together. I would suggest staying in counseling a little while longer or just make it your norm if you have to.

Otherwise, let her go and move on. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. There is hope though, not every cheater continues to act in such away, contrary to popular belief. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow for the majority. Now that being said, many do because their pathalogically selfish and want attention nonstop or whatever the case is.

So.. you have to decide what you’re willing to put in and what you’re not. It sounds like she is taking accountability and that is important. I’m the same token you have to careful how you express your frustration. It’s righteous angerbut it can’t be used to bulldozer over her. She’s still a person. That’s all I’m asking you to keep in mind.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> My two cents. I believe her.
> 
> Just be happy you stopped it before it got physical. If she really loves you, she will be loyal from now on. Not every cheater is a repeat offender. She is probably being very honest with you.
> 
> I know this from experience.


Respectfully, your sense of reality is skewed.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> Sorry, but you have a major problem.
> As an ex-divorce legal executive myself I can tell you the number one reasons why wives cheat or file for divorce is because they claim their husbands were not giving them enough intimacy and attention or their husbands were not there for them.
> Main male occupations that have infidelity among their wives: policeman, doctors, military servicemen, oil workers, airline stewards and airline pilots. All professions that involve husbands being away from home for long term periods.
> So lets look at the situation in more detail..
> ...


Eh, perhaps she might have spoken up before cheating?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Unpopular opinion here. As a wife who made the very regrettable choice of having an affair three years into my marriage. I did everything I could to completely sever ties to the AP. I quit my job, no contact totally, even moved to another state.
> 
> I did not stray ever again. However, my husband had no true intention of forgiving me. As was his right, but he also would not let me go, I was property and he was going to make me pay for what I did. I lived that way for over ten years.
> 
> ...


Kept you there? Wasn't t that your choice? Ever heard of divorce?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Respectfully, your sense of reality is skewed.


He has never even met the woman.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Nope. It’s not. I’ve been there. Once a cheater, always a cheater…is not always the case.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Respectfully, your sense of reality is skewed.


Nope. It’s not. I’ve been there. Once a cheater, always a cheater…is not always the case. I’m a female.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> Kept you there? Wasn't t that your choice? Ever heard of divorce?


I was young and felt I had to stay and try to make things right. Maybe second worse decision I’ve ever made.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> With the information presented thus far, we can’t say for sure whether they had sex before getting busted or not.
> 
> If reconciliation is the goal, then there is a big difference between stopping before actual physical intimacies occur.
> 
> ...


JMHO, but the intent is the only thing that really matters.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> Nope. It’s not. I’ve been there. Once a cheater, always a cheater…is not always the case. I’m a female.


You may be right. But, how can you assess her credibility with any certainty not knowing her?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I was young and felt I had to stay and try to make things right. Maybe second worse decision I’ve ever made.


So, it was your choice vs his keeping you there, correct?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> If his behavior was aggressive and she was some shrinking violet who caved and started having sex with him or whatever, that would be different. If the behavior happened during school hours, maybe. Or he was her boss, etc…But, grown adults cheating? That's not an employer's responsibility to become the moral police of our marriages.
> 
> If anything, now everyone knows your business and the guy sues the OP for slander. Not that he'll win, but it could turn ugly and you really need to decide if that's the battle you want to fight. One that has nothing to do with why the OP's wife cheated or thought about cheating.


Not much risk of a lawsuit for slander.
First, truth is an absolute defense.
Second, think this guy would want to go public?
Third, no money in it to speak of. I do not see an attorney taking such a case.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I totally get where you’re coming from. I’ve just never been into the idea of betrayed spouses torching the other person’s life as a way to remedy their marriage problems. In the end, you’re still waking up everyday with a cheater in your bed. Revenge may appear to bring satisfaction, but it really doesn’t. Just my opinion but everyone thinks differently on this point, I know.


Right, some people do derive satisfaction from revenge. Fine with me. I was not interested, just grateful to be getting a golden ticket out.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> In a nut shell, it has happened to me, and sadly I have been on the other side as well. More then 20 years later I still needed closure on her emotional side of her affair, very recently I got it, the physical aspect was long ago delt with and forgiven that was easy by comparison to the emotional side of it, but it took me finally being honest about my own responsibility in my part of her EA, she was left feeling neglected and feeling unloved, unwanted and feeling alone. I did that to her. I owned it much later because I was feeling those feelings and couldn’t understand why, we have been married 35+ years and it was still an issue until I was able to own my part. Your wife has work to do for sure, so do you..! Don’t just blame her for all, you must own your part too. Only then can you finally see your path back to her clearly or the path to the door.


Exactly what part do you think he played? Based on what?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> Nope. It’s not. I’ve been there. Once a cheater, always a cheater…is not always the case. I’m a female.


What are you seeing from OP’s post that makes you feel she’s being honest?

This is what I’m seeing: Deceit, lies of omission, planning a get together with other men. Maybe you have different ideas than me about a married woman wanting to meet at another man’s place, and even then after he declined, tells him the husband is out of the country, the kids are OVERNIGHT at friend’s, and invited him to HER house.
There’s clear intention, clear admission of guilt from her (she knew it was wrong), and insistence it won’t happen again.

quotes of significance:
“After that little nugget I noticed she changed his name on her iPhone to just “D”. 

Then I noticed my wife telling Devin that I was going to be leaving on the Saturday going to Europe and the kids had sleepover plans. If he wanted to come over for a swim after the walk.”

I see nothing but a classical, simple, plain cheater progression followed by classical, simple, plain cheater speak from her —- minimizing, deflection of blame on her husband, and insistence that “it’ll never happen again. Why not? Why should he believe that????? It’s already happened!
What made her suddenly learn her lesson?

I just disagree wholeheartedly and hope the OP is not listening to the marriage counselors that “believe her” because she is just clearly lying.

The only reason I think she MIGHT not have gone physical is because the AP declined her coming to his house. It seems to me he was attempting to act appropriately and the the wife was flat out doggedly pursuing him.

In retrospect, I put this 99.99999% on the OP’s wife, and I wouldn’t be too surprised if this is not her first rodeo.
The AP, however, had to know all this communication with another man’s wife was wrong. And disrespected OP in all this communication and deserves to be ***** slapped.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> What are you seeing from OP’s post that makes you feel she’s being honest?
> 
> This is what I’m seeing: Deceit, lies of omission, planning a get together with other men. Maybe you have different ideas than me about a married woman wanting to meet at another man’s place, and even then after he declined, tells him the husband is out of the country, the kids are OVERNIGHT at friend’s, and invited him to HER house.
> There’s clear intention, clear admission of guilt from her (she knew it was wrong), and insistence it won’t happen again.
> ...


Considering this Devin is a lot younger than the OP`s wife, it could be a case that all he wanted was to be a friend, the OP`s wife was trying to lure him into her web but Devin doesn`t fancy her and why he declined the offer to visit the OP`s home with her alone.
Regardless, it`s probable this marriage has been rocky for some time, the OP has done a vanishing act and doubt he`s coming back so we`ll never know the full facts.
Without any updates from the OP than it`s just going around in a circle and not worth keeping this thread open.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> Considering this Devin is a lot younger than the OP`s wife, it could be a case that all he wanted was to be a friend, the OP`s wife was trying to lure him into her web but Devin doesn`t fancy her and why he declined the offer to visit the OP`s home with her alone.
> Regardless, it`s probable this marriage has been rocky for some time, the OP has done a vanishing act and doubt he`s coming back so we`ll never know the full facts.


Not too much of a vanishing act, he was reading 7 hours ago.

He wanted a friend? Mr. 29 year old gym teacher? With an attractive 44 year old? Suuuuure.

There‘s not enough info to know why he declined, maybe his wife was home or maybe his kitchen burned down. But you don’t go to her house for a pool party when hubby is away and the kids are out for the night expecting to be “just friends” given the emotional affair that was ongoing.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I would have


I would have as well...


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> [...]*She confessed everything* and walked out to meet Devin in our driveway and explained the “jig is up!"[...]


@jalden67 I missed the line above in your original post... How do you know she told you everything? One thing cheaters do *for sure* is lie, minimize and trickle truth the cheat-ee until presented with undeniable truth. And even then some still deny it. When she tells you she just went walking with him, what it really means is that she did indeed went walking with him, to the nearby motel, where she proceeded to do things to him that she never did to you. 

Don't want to get graphic but this is how these f-ing animals communicate.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> If she really loves you


In my own view of what love is, this was tested and proved false.



TXSDR said:


> Once a cheater, always a cheater…is not always the case.


True.
And haves relevance IF your goal is that don´t happens twice.
For the kind of relationship I would stay in, the "once" quantifier is enough.
Of course someone may become a good and even a splendid human being.
For themselves or for their future loves.
That is, someone that deserves to be admired.
As a human being, not as my partner.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> But I can’t seem to let it go, I constantly want to bring it up and for sure the last bunch of arguments all started with me. My wife ended up leaving the school to become a sub -teacher not wanting to work with someone who she had an emotional affair with. My wife has insisted it will never happen again, I can have full access to all of her texts whatsoever.





jalden67 said:


> My wife insists that she was caught up in all the attention and did feel a closeness to her co-worker but insisted that everything was under control. She has had several solo counseling sessions with the marriage counselor who told me she believes my wife is telling the truth.
> 
> Andy 1001,I feel that boundaries were broken and trust was trampled all over. I can’t just wake up tomorrow and everything be fine. Part of me feels I jumped too soon before anything sexual happened and now I live in this limbo feeling with a stranger.


Sir, of course you can "let it go," nor should you. If the arguments are over you bringing it up, its a HUGE red flag that you have an unremorseful CW on your hands that is only upset that she got caught (bet she looked like a deer in the headlights when you walked in the door). Here is what true remorse looks like:

• Be mad at me as long as you need to and vent away, I deserve it

• I dont deserve any sympathy...I am the one who destroyed us

• What more can I do to help you heal?

• Ill be here, working on my warped soul, as long as it takes to get myself right again and will work my ass off to gain just a modicum of your love, respect, and trust back.

• Take all the time you need to start your healing. I am devestated that I have done this to you.

Does this sound like your CW?

Look, youve recieved some great input from veterans on this site who's BS meters are finely tuned to identifying trickle truth, gaslighting, rugsweeping, minimizing, misdirection, etc and a lot of those meters are pinging right now.

All due respect, how can a marriage counselor know shes, "telling the truth"? If you want to know, have her take a polygraph. Theres too much at stake to not make use of that tool.

*"I can’t just wake up tomorrow and everything be fine." *Why are you even saying this? Is this *your* expectation or *hers*? Of course you can't just wake up and have everything be fine. *Your world has been blow up!

"My wife insists that she was caught up in all the attention and did feel a closeness to her co-worker but insisted that everything was under control"*

Says who? Your decieving, cheating wife?. Sir, comon. You may have been born relatively recently but it wasnt yesterday. The facts speak for themselves. She was headed for a physical affair and was building up to it until you unexpectedly walked through the door. Shes now minimizing and rug sweeping to try and avoid the fallout/doing damage control by spinning the story.

Not only should you *not* he "fine", you need to step it up. She must feel the consequences of her catastrophic choice to pursue another man. You need to know just who you're dealing with. She hasnt done nearly enough imo.

Oh, and btw, good moms dont jeapordize the safety, security and health of the home and family unit to get some strange and thats the truth.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> Considering this Devin is a lot younger than the OP`s wife, it could be a case that all he wanted was to be a friend...




...........


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ArthurGPym said:


> ...........


Indeed. That’s all she wanted was some attention and a friend too. After all, she had everything under control….. omg
She couldn’t get naked fast enough for this guy.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Indeed. That’s all she wanted was some attention and a friend too. After all, she had everything under control….. omg
> She couldn’t get naked fast enough for this guy.


No man wants to just be friends with a woman.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

you intervened and what will happen that evening is postponed to a later date.

they will provide a safe environment for themselves at school and pool parties will be held on the days you are not at home.

no confession or remorse


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

bygone said:


> you intervened and what will happen that evening is postponed to a later date.
> 
> they will provide a safe environment for themselves at school and pool parties will be held on the days you are not at home.
> 
> no confession or remorse


Perhaps. Or she may realize it’s a mistake to pursue new ****?


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Double post


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

jalden67 said:


> “ first time caller long time listener.”
> A lot of texts included the usual gossip at the school. Then there was a day where my wife was upset about her home life how she expected to be more ahead at her age ( weird because we are in a good place).
> *This is worrying it's known as re-writing the marriage history to make herself feel ok with what she is doing.*
> 
> ...


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> Considering this Devin is a lot younger than the OP`s wife, it could be a case that all he wanted was to be a friend,


You have a talent for nonsense humor.
That´s a gift!


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> With the information presented thus far, we can’t say for sure whether they had sex before getting busted or not.


But we can say for sure the intent was there. That's all I would need.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> But we can say for sure the intent was there. That's all I would need.


So you are really mad at someone and say “I could kill him,“ the judge can toss you in prison for intent to murder? We don’t know if she would’ve changed her mind at the last minute.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> So you are really mad at someone and say “I could kill him,“ the judge can toss you in prison for intent to murder? We don’t know if she would’ve changed her mind at the last minute.


The difference is that she took countless actions toward infidelity, but even though it’s not a court, if in court the prosecution can prove that significant steps were taken toward committing a murder, a person could be put in jail for aggravated murder. OP caught her in the act of committing the crime. Had he not caught her, there’s little doubt she’d have had sex with the guy. At this point, the only doubt would be whether HE wanted to or not.

If I were a pilot and wasn’t at home for extended periods, I’d no doubt divorce her. She just. Isn’t trustworthy.

Soneine correctly pointed out that she’s already proven she doesn’t truly live the OP, and I agree. Nobody wants to divorce. It’s called for in this case. The wife doesn’t seem at all remorseful, although I suspect she’ll kick up the love bombing, tears, and pleas of remorse several notches if OP actually filed. 
When a man has to call in sick to intercept his wife’s AP who is on the way to his own house to do the deed, it’s time to call it a day.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

@jalden67 You need to get a timeline from her. After she gives it to you, tell her she will be taking a polygraph. Create either a real or fake appointment... drive to parking lot 45 mins before appointment, sit and she what she says. Her story will change... guaranteed.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> Exactly what part do you think he played? Based on what?


No man is a complete victim, we get caught up in our work, hobbies, our own personal issues and those things take lots of energy to sustain, means less energy to spend giving our wives attention they want, means when they notice that and there’s no change, there’s no effort or their feelings are that they got dismissed after trying to get his attention back because he doesn’t think her point in valid.. and men do that.. then that’s his to own..! There are no blameless parties in a marriage just denied ownership of your own part no matter how minor or not. I am sure if a person is self aware and not self blinded, you can appreciate the possibility that their is something you neglected in your marriage just enough to trigger her to feel that there’s something wrong or missing, I don’t blame those who got cheated for their spouse or partner doing what they did, but I just don’t buy the idea that they have nothing to own if they reflect on themselves, it takes two to tango, I’m saying if your not practicing your tango moves like you should, your partner will notice.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> We don’t know if she would’ve changed her mind at the last minute.


True and still IMO unrelevant


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> No man is a complete victim, we get caught up in our work, hobbies, our own personal issues and those things take lots of energy to sustain, means less energy to spend giving our wives attention they want, means when they notice that and there’s no change, there’s no effort or their feelings are that they got dismissed after trying to get his attention back because he doesn’t think her point in valid.. and men do that.. then that’s his to own..! There are no blameless parties in a marriage just denied ownership of your own part no matter how minor or not. I am sure if a person is self aware and not self blinded, you can appreciate the possibility that their is something you neglected in your marriage just enough to trigger her to feel that there’s something wrong or missing, I don’t blame those who got cheated for their spouse or partner doing what they did, but I just don’t buy the idea that they have nothing to own if they reflect on themselves, it takes two to tango, I’m saying if your not practicing your tango moves like you should, your partner will notice.


The marital issues and the cheating are two separate problems and one is never an excuse for the other. If the marriage had problems then work them out and if they can't be worked out, then divorce. The cheater owns 100% of the cheating. Beside, it seems most cheaters rationalize what they've done by suddenly finding all kinds of issues in their marriage that never appeared to exist prior to thier cheating.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The marital issues and the cheating are two separate problems and one is never an excuse for the other. If the marriage had problems then work them out and if they can't be worked out, then divorce. The cheater owns 100% of the cheating. Beside, it seems most cheaters rationalize what they've done by suddenly finding all kinds of issues in their marriage that never appeared to exist prior to thier cheating.


Seems your not getting my point.. I agree with what you’re saying, but.. the “victim” has a responsibility to look inward as well if he or she want’s clarity. Getting a second chance or giving one depends on understanding yourself as much as the circumstances of that event. Rarely in my view are there blameless partners on either end.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Seems your not getting my point.. I agree with what you’re saying, but.. the “victim” has a responsibility to look inward as well if he or she want’s clarity. Getting a second chance or giving one depends on understanding yourself as much as the circumstances of that event. Rarely in my view are there blameless partners on either end.


No they don't. (have a responsibility to look inward)

At least not in the context of a discussion about infidelity.

As BigD said, it's a separate issue. If OP wants to open self-help thread, then it becomes relevant.

If you don't keep those 2 completely separated then it becomes possible to nitpick the betrayed spouse and it becomes a justification for adultery.

That's not to say each spouse doesn't have a contribution to things gone wrong in the marriage.

It's only to say that in terms of fidelity, the betrayed spouse has zero fault for the adulterer stepping out.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Seems your not getting my point.. I agree with what you’re saying, but.. the “victim” has a responsibility to look inward as well if he or she want’s clarity. Getting a second chance or giving one depends on understanding yourself as much as the circumstances of that event. Rarely in my view are there blameless partners on either end.


Cheating has nothing to do with the victim and everything to do with
the cheater. People who are cheated on like to make it about themselves
but it never really is.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Seems your not getting my point.. I agree with what you’re saying, but.. the “victim” has a responsibility to look inward as well if he or she want’s clarity. Getting a second chance or giving one depends on understanding yourself as much as the circumstances of that event. Rarely in my view are there blameless partners on either end.


The betrayed spouse is blameless for the infidelity.

Both or either may own some of the other problems in the marriage.

The two are completely separate issues, except in the mind of the cheater.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Seems your not getting my point.. I agree with what you’re saying, but.. the “victim” has a responsibility to look inward as well if he or she want’s clarity. Getting a second chance or giving one depends on understanding yourself as much as the circumstances of that event. Rarely in my view are there blameless partners on either end.


HUH????

That’s not how it works boss…


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

@jalden67 How are you doing? How are things between you and your wife now?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Seriously?


Longtime Hubby said:


> So you are really mad at someone and say “I could kill him,“ the judge can toss you in prison for intent to murder? We don’t know if she would’ve changed her mind at the last minute.


This is your analogy? Eeegads.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> No man is a complete victim, we get caught up in our work, hobbies, our own personal issues and those things take lots of energy to sustain, means less energy to spend giving our wives attention they want, means when they notice that and there’s no change, there’s no effort or their feelings are that they got dismissed after trying to get his attention back because he doesn’t think her point in valid.. and men do that.. then that’s his to own..! There are no blameless parties in a marriage just denied ownership of your own part no matter how minor or not. I am sure if a person is self aware and not self blinded, you can appreciate the possibility that their is something you neglected in your marriage just enough to trigger her to feel that there’s something wrong or missing, I don’t blame those who got cheated for their spouse or partner doing what they did, but I just don’t buy the idea that they have nothing to own if they reflect on themselves, it takes two to tango, I’m saying if your not practicing your tango moves like you should, your partner will notice.


Got any specifics applicable to this marriage?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> Considering this Devin is a lot younger than the OP`s wife, it could be a case that all he wanted was to be a friend, the OP`s wife was trying to lure him into her web but Devin doesn`t fancy her and why he declined the offer to visit the OP`s home with her alone.
> Regardless, it`s probable this marriage has been rocky for some time, the OP has done a vanishing act and doubt he`s coming back so we`ll never know the full facts.
> Without any updates from the OP than it`s just going around in a circle and not worth keeping this thread open.


Maybe he was looking for a skateboarding buddy, or yo- yo instructor.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

DosEquis said:


> I hate to tell you this but if you stay with this woman, you need to take serious pracautions from now on....cameras in your home, gps tracking her car, monitoring accounts, checking for burner phones(s), surprise returns home, etc. You may even spot check with a PI from time to time. This may seem extreme to you but I assure you....it is not. Read around here, survivinginfidelity.com, loveshack.org and others to see how conniving cheaters can be.


That sounds like a wonderful and fulfilling life 🤮. Nah, just dump her ass and bang some single flight attendants at your next layover.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

Yup lived it my self, now I’m on the other side. Happily married and both stronger than before.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> HUH????
> 
> That’s not how it works boss…


Why do YOU think you’re right about how anything works..? HUH..????? 
see this is the sad part about forums like this. People come her for advice or helpful points of view and then this happens where a know everything person tries to talk down others for their personal experiences and their resulting outlooks on life.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

In real life it’s all one issue, I don’t disagree with anyone on choices and cheating, but seems no one likes to be taken off the “paint by numbers” progression here how uniform of everyone.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

So I’m getting beaten into submission is that the game here..? I offered my point of view based on real life experience and this is how you all treat me? So now I’m getting told I’m “Wrong” really..? 
somethings wrong with this forum. To many of you aren’t dealing in reality seems more like a paint by numbers approach to everything not allowing for any deviation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BelsBeast66 said:


> So I’m getting beaten into submission is that the game here..? I offered my point of view based on real life experience and this is how you all treat me? So now I’m getting told I’m “Wrong” really..?
> somethings wrong with this forum. To many of you aren’t dealing in reality seems more like a paint by numbers approach to everything not allowing for any deviation.


Don’t tap out bro,just because some of us disagree, no need to feel beaten on. Gotta have some thick skin.
Cheating to me is a loyalty and general character issue, which is separate from general marriage issues. There are lots of horrid marriages where spouses are mistreated, their d so poise won’t have sex with them, etc etc—- still don’t cheat. Then some will justify cheating because their spouse put the toilet paper on wrong.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

Tap out..? Who tapped out? 
look I have similar views.. but there’s a vain of my way or the highway that runs around here.. I don’t like to be bullied, and I have the knuckle scared hand to prove it, but in a forum like this it’s kinda weird that an “opinion” or point of view can get shouted down as not valid or in the wrong category or contextual space..? 
lots of dogs barking here protecting there little web space from outsiders is what I’m getting. I’m not wrong about that either.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Seems your not getting my point.. I agree with what you’re saying, but.. the “victim” has a responsibility to look inward as well if he or she want’s clarity. Getting a second chance or giving one depends on understanding yourself as much as the circumstances of that event. Rarely in my view are there blameless partners on either end.


IMHO, this is trite and devoid of analysis. It is perfectly possible for one party to be blameless. And, I see no rationale for a betrayed to look within, other than to examine his or her picker. NPD folks target kind, trusting people. Those qualities are not faults.
One need not be a perfect person to expect adherence to vows.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Tap out..? Who tapped out?
> look I have similar views.. but there’s a vain of my way or the highway that runs around here.. I don’t like to be bullied, and I have the knuckle scared hand to prove it, but in a forum like this it’s kinda weird that an “opinion” or point of view can get shouted down as not valid or in the wrong category or contextual space..?
> lots of dogs barking here protecting there little web space from outsiders is what I’m getting. I’m not wrong about that either.


You expect unquestioned acceptance? Seems a bit close minded.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Why do YOU think you’re right about how anything works..? HUH..?????
> see this is the sad part about forums like this. People come her for advice or helpful points of view and then this happens where a know everything person tries to talk down others for their personal experiences and their resulting outlooks on life.


Pot meet kettle. Don't you think you are right, as well? Presumably, that is why you voiced your opinion.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> If I were a pilot and wasn’t at home for extended periods, I’d no doubt divorce her. She just. Isn’t trustworthy.


A lot of jobs are just set up to facilitate a spouse’s straying. Here we have a pilot who once he climbs into the cockpit will be gone for a known period. In case of overseas flights probably at least 2 days. OP’s wife is a premenopausal female working in education, one of the professions with high rates of infidelity.

@CursiveWritingOnTheWall his thread has a job where he is gone for 48 hour shift. @CursiveWritingOnTheWall wife is SAHM with kids in school.

Take a husband gone working for a known period of time, very unlikely to show up unannounced. Mix with a horny wife with time on her hands. Add a DTF young stud gym teacher and Bang Bang!

OP cant trust his wife. If he continues working as a pilot, his wife is going to be shagging men, younger ones too. She will have no problem attracting all she wants. In his house, in his bed.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

Amazing.. I hope everyone else who is reading these responses to my one posted response understands that the elites who live on this site don’t respect your personal experience or any response based on those experiences. Wow.. do you guys even read what you say..? Your analytical gymnastics might impress you but others are laughing.. like me.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> Pot meet kettle. Don't you think you are right, as well? Presumably, that is why you voiced your opinion.


Me thinks you presume too much. 
and no I don’t think I’m right all the time except when I’m talk about me..!


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> You expect unquestioned acceptance? Seems a bit close minded.


Says the person who just said my opinion wasn’t valid. I’m new here.. a closed mind doesn’t seek out a forum like this.. lol. Still Your trying to bully my personal views. Hypocrite at the very least.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Says the person who just said my opinion wasn’t valid. I’m new here.. a closed mind doesn’t seek out a forum like this.. lol. Still Your trying to bully my personal views. Hypocrite at the very least.


Your opinion is valid, but it is an opinion and people may have a contrary opinion. I'm not sure what you are expecting. It seems if I disagree with you I am closed minded and a bully. That doesn't seem right, does it? You said you've live it. Were you the betrayed or the betrayer?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@BelsBeast66 I do get what you are trying to say. Quite often something else is failing in the marriage prior to cheating. Something may have weakened the bond. That may be worth understanding in the long term, but not from the standpoint of dealing with the infidelity. There is nothing the betrayed spouse did that excuses or even explains the cheating. Some may say the marital issues are an explanation, but really they aren't. They are just a convenient scape goat. 

I've also heard plenty of stories where the betrayed is unaware of any issues in the marriage. In some of those cases they cheater even confirms that. They agree that the marriage was perfect, yet they still chose to do it because something is wrong inside of them. They need to do inward looking to find what is broken in them, not the victim of the cheating. Then of course there are those cheaters that really were in a perfect marriage, but post infidelity they suddenly come up with a laundry list of "problems" to lean on as a crutch to relieve some of their guilt. 

Bottom line is, the blame for cheating lies solely with the cheater.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She did it because she could.
That’s who she is. It’s important for you to understand fully well your wife is not who you thought she was.

for you to forgive so easily is a big BIG mistake!


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your opinion is valid, but it is an opinion and people may have a contrary opinion. I'm not sure what you are expecting. It seems if I disagree with you I am closed minded and a bully. That doesn't seem right, does it? You said you've live it. Were you the betrayed or the betrayer?


Look.. I’ve been accused now of so much crap by the elites in this sites it’s ridiculous. I don’t bark I bite.. I’m not one who’s overly sensitive to criticism but that’s not what I got.. you guys don’t own any crap or this thread would have ended hrs ago..! now you want me to answer that..? All you get is I’ve been on both sides.. I know what I’m talking about. Do you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Stop making this about you and jacking this guy’s thread. Move forward.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @BelsBeast66 I do get what you are trying to say. Quite often something else is failing in the marriage prior to cheating. Something may have weakened the bond. That may be worth understanding in the long term, but not from the standpoint of dealing with the infidelity. There is nothing the betrayed spouse did that excuses or even explains the cheating. Some may say the marital issues are an explanation, but really they aren't. They are just a convenient scape goat.
> 
> I've also heard plenty of stories where the betrayed is unaware of any issues in the marriage. In some of those cases they cheater even confirms that. They agree that the marriage was perfect, yet they still chose to do it because something is wrong inside of them. They need to do inward looking to find what is broken in them, not the victim of the cheating. Then of course there are those cheaters that really were in a perfect marriage, but post infidelity they suddenly come up with a laundry list of "problems" to lean on as a crutch to relieve some of their guilt.
> 
> Bottom line is, the blame for cheating lies solely with the cheater.


Yeah I still agree with most of what you saying..
but.. the analytical contortionist responses that I keep getting and I keep seeing being posted are mind numbing who in their real life has a conversation like that..? What you just wrote to me only proves my point you covered all the exists and left me know opinions.. and any responses I give is therefore invalid on its face. You’re gigged the game so to speak.
In real life had you stared to tell that to me I would have just stopped listening. If you think all the analytical crap that gets post here about somebody else’s relationship is being followed like some kind of roadmap you’re much more disconnected then they are. I just got right to a certain point of view and people lost their ****ing minds.. I know you don’t get my point of View because I didn’t cover all the bases you expected in the way the other robots here would, I comment as if I’m talking to a real person, in a face to face that’s how it goes, short and sweet get right to the point you wanna make.


Evinrude58 said:


> Stop making this about you and jacking this guy’s thread. Move forward.


tell them to stop.. I don’t want to hijack anybody’s thread.. I made one comment and everybody lost there **** not my fault not my problem.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Look.. I’ve been accused now of so much crap by the elites in this sites it’s ridiculous. I don’t bark I bite.. I’m not one who’s overly sensitive to criticism but that’s not what I got.. you guys don’t own any crap or this thread would have ended hrs ago..! now you want me to answer that..? All you get is I’ve been on both sides.. I know what I’m talking about. Do you?


Been betrayed, never the betrayer.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Been betrayed, never the betrayer.


Been both. It’s posted here. 
Doesn’t mean I’m any more right than the next person though. In fact it might mean I’m more of an idiot than most.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Been betrayed, never the betrayer.


Sorry to hear.. truly..!


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## jalden67 (3 mo ago)

I’ll try to get the thread back on track. I was able to download all the texts from my wife’s phone and back that up with five months of phone bills to cross track. No texts were deleted and really mundane school chatter with the odd debate of politics. And surprisingly immature tests about how their principal dresses like he’s 70. The night I confronted her I was also able to read the texts she sent to two of her friends asking them to come over and I’ll quote “so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.” Seems Devin pursued my wife and although she’s guilty of poor judgment, there was no romantic evenings. The “walking club” with work colleagues has “**** show” written all over it. When she ended up walking alone with Devin the two times it was because her friend wasn’t able to get a babysitter for her kids. And another was sore from kickboxing (?) 
I truly believe after spending time with our counselor that it was the typical “mid life”crisis where you want to experience some excitement because you realize that half of your life is over. And possibly teaching 40 hours a week then coming home to two active twins might not be what they wanted. My job allows me to explore some pretty cool places and maybe with the focus always on myself at work being a Captain of a larger aircraft. The counselor said, sometimes when a spouse gets too much attention the other one thus feels left out. And the more I take a forensic investigation into this mess the more it points to someone liking the attention they were receiving, the conversations and the compliments.
We’ve decided that we need the return of boundaries as what one can do in a committed relationship. No passwords ever on phones, and possibly leaving teaching and retire. I spoke with my wife about the feelings one has about trust being broken and what she can do to rebuild that trust. Also possibly of a post/nup where if our relationship were to end that my pension/401K is untouchable

Someone asked how long I’m away per month and it does vary but three trips usually (total 10-12 days working) . But it does allow for lots of time I’m home as well.
My wife is also adamant that she would never have engaged in a sexual relationship with a work colleague ever. 
So right now it’s more “baby steps” towards getting back together.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Her reaction of guilt and your comment “the jig is up” do not resound as an innocent gathering to talk about school politics and make fun of the principal. She was caught and she knew it. If it was all innocent, she would be fighting back right now, not trying to fix things.

So Devin was the pursuer, and when she thought you were leaving, she sent the kids away and invited him over. Sorry that doesn’t pass the smell test. The friends being there and the texts to them were all just cover.

Your wife was playing with fire and it sure looks like she was putting her hand all the way in on the night you caught them.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

KindBuddha said:


> In the MeToo era, if sexy gym teacher goes over for a jog, a swim, and a bang, and for some reason reads the signals wrong, or she changes her mind, or they ever get caught somehow, then how does he know this quite possibly nutso 44 year old cheating wife doesn't turn her crazy against him


After 6 months (since spring) of texting, walks, and work relationship I imagine they fully understand each other. It sounds like she might have spent more time with OM than hubby. And who knows how much time they spent together while OP was away.

Yea, still a risk, I get that. The calculus of that just depends on her signals. But anyway I don’t think this was the first pool party she had while OP was away. OM knew the plan.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Uhuh.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> [...]My wife is also adamant that she would never have engaged in a sexual relationship with a work colleague ever.[...]












On a serious note, very glad to hear you didn't find anything. 

Keep vigilant and see if you can get some counseling. The trust is not going to come back for a long time. Those overnight flights are going to feel mighty long, and your gut is going to be acting up a lot. Hence, at the first sight of discomfort, *get medication*. Otherwise it's bye-bye sleep for a while and your anxiety levels will get to places you never thought possible.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Look.. I’ve been accused now of so much crap by the elites in this sites it’s ridiculous. I don’t bark I bite.. I’m not one who’s overly sensitive to criticism but that’s not what I got.. you guys don’t own any crap or this thread would have ended hrs ago..! now you want me to answer that..? All you get is I’ve been on both sides.. I know what I’m talking about. Do you?


But you are funny sometimes. That's a win.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jalden, 

Very few people knowingly go out to start an affair, oh i am sure there are people out there that do indeed join affair sites to actively seek out a partner or test the waters for a host of poor excuses, but in truth most occur in the normal routine of life, by seeing somebody of the opposite sex in a different light that particular day or someone new who has join their company and there is a spark of sorts. And then suddenly that loyal spouse start internalizing to themselves that they would like to know that person but only from a peripheral perspective, to be friendly but not to friendly and internally they create lines in the sands they don't cross, because they tell themselves that we are "just friends" in fact that is what they tell everyone around them including their spouse because on some level that is what they want to believe....always going back to those lines in the sand. Then suddenly they find themselves thinking about that person, at first in dreams segments, they might find themselves masturbating about them or waking their spouse and initiating sex in fact they will rationalize this as being an good thing for their marriage , healthy even. In this way they can continue to feel good about themselves and the lines are still there, just a bit smudged. And then they find activities that they can join/create that would include this person beyond the work atmosphere but a way that their spouse is not invited or told so that they can continue this peripheral emotional investment in this person, there is that hug you give them lingering an little longer than normal, they light body touch, nothing overtly sexual but definitely more sensual and as the waves of emotions slowly takes over the line in the sands are slowly eradicated by those waves.

Then the faithful spouse starts to slowly change, their view changes, they start to look at their life and their partner and start to look at this new person and there is this sudden character assassination that begins in their head and realize how their spouse has deprived them of who they were, and this new person has re-instilled this sexual awareness they thought dead. They begin to rationalize that they should be happy and everyone around them should be happy for them because to them they are living in an hallmark moment, disregard the fact they are married. Before they know it all the rules they said they would not cross are gone and they are in this bliss, as fake as it maybe it is real to them, i.e. the affair fog. I have no doubt that your wife has told herself she would never cheat with the guy, until she slept with him in due course. The problem with that statement and with all statements with regarding declarations of “I would never cheat on you with him/her” is that they secretly have already cheated in their head long before they utter those words, those declartive statements are lies they they you because they are lies they already told themselves long before. 


Look you caught before it went down that path but rest assure it would have gone down that path it would only take an opportunity for it to happen . It could have been that day you came home or another day and important thing is that she needs to realize that it could have happen to better understand why. I truly wish both of you success in uncovering the the hidden needs that were clearly not met.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m gonna call bs on this response of hers.

the jig is up.
Wanted to meet at his place, making requests to him individually , “swimming”—- yeah, her in a swimsuit isn’t seductive, huh?
You have evidence of constant texts. You see a text if her telling her friend “so he doesn’t get the wrong idea”.

Eother this thread is all made up malarky, or I’d bet my next paycheck that what you saw in texts is the stuff she wants you to read, and she has a burner phone for the good stuff.

Your wife was definitely pursuing the guy, definitely had him in her mind constantly, and definitely this isn’t her first rodeo. The look on her face when you came home and caught her should be evidence enough. The jig is up! Who says that??????

Some to jig us badly wrong here. This story doesn’t add up.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

jalden67

Get a "security" camera or two going in your house. Lots of choices online search will provide.
Then consider a hidden camera.

- but neither will prevent your wife from doing something away from the house.

Being a marriage cop sux - so the long term is to get her mind sorted out. Honor your marriage vows or you two agree on "polygamous" marriage - or you separate in preparation for divorce. That is - you get "out" of infidelity. 

If you read here enough - you will find that most _wayward spouses_ become frightfully sorry for their betrayal of their spouse - and most eventually find or realize they betrayed (if they ever had) their own integrity. 

Read through the posts here in your thread - the resounding warning is clear - your wife is willing to succumb to the siren of attention and there are LOTS of willing males who have no compunction in putting their poker in someone else's wife.

These warnings are meant to keep you from suffering worse in the future. Sort of like trying to teach your kids (when the start drving a car) to not speed. Once that bridge (an affair) is crossed - life is changed forever.

Yes - "The Jig is up!" 

Let those words sink in.

Also - a wayward can leave their phone or Ipad somewhere - like work place - and go elsewhere to pursue their paramour and indulge in their fantasy - or just plain fun for the fun of it.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Jalden,
> 
> Very few people knowingly go out to start an affair, oh i am sure there are people out there that do indeed join affair sites to actively seek out a partner or test the waters for a host of poor excuses, but in truth most occur in the normal routine of life, by seeing somebody of the opposite sex in a different light that particular day or someone new who has join their company and there is a spark of sorts. And then suddenly that loyal spouse start internalizing to themselves that they would like to know that person but only from a peripheral perspective, to be friendly but not to friendly and internally they create lines in the sands they don't cross, because they tell themselves that we are "just friends" in fact that is what they tell everyone around them including their spouse because on some level that is what they want to believe....always going back to those lines in the sand. Then suddenly they find themselves thinking about that person, at first in dreams segments, they might find themselves masturbating about them or waking their spouse and initiating sex in fact they will rationalize this as being an good thing for their marriage , healthy even. In this way they can continue to feel good about themselves and the lines are still there, just a bit smudged. And then they find activities that they can join/create that would include this person beyond the work atmosphere but a way that their spouse is not invited or told so that they can continue this peripheral emotional investment in this person, there is that hug you give them lingering an little longer than normal, they light body touch, nothing overtly sexual but definitely more sensual and as the waves of emotions slowly takes over the line in the sands are slowly eradicated by those waves.
> 
> ...


You nailed it.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m gonna call bs on this response of hers.
> 
> the jig is up.
> Wanted to meet at his place, making requests to him individually , “swimming”—- yeah, her in a swimsuit isn’t seductive, huh?
> ...


I tend to agree with you on this. Education sector employees tend to use burner phones for this sort of stuff. That and internal company communication programs. I, for one, couldn’t find a single incriminating text in my XW’s last phone, and she NEVER spoke on ANY phone while in the car. Signs that, at that point, she’d already been “educated” by others on how to avoid my monitoring.

Having said the above, the OP seems to be contempt with his wife’s response so… do you reckon counseling and him monitoring her will give him the peace of mind he’s looking for?

We already know he can’t un-see and un-hear what he’s seen and heard but… what new version of his wife do you think he could eventually grow to trust?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Jalden, it sounds like you have given this a lot of thought, and nobody here knows your wife as well as you do. I believe at a minimum she was purposefully toeing the slippery slope on this one, and regardless of whether she thought she could do that and enjoy the titillation without stepping over the line this was still a massive breach of your trust. Once again, as others have said, regardless of her intentions she was putting herself into a situation that affairs start from. And she was hiding it, and she knew better.

At a minimum, I would require her to either retire as you suggested or change schools. She's in her mid-40s, so I probably wouldn't reward her with early retirement (whether she sees it as a reward or not), I would tell her she changes schools ASAP or quits, and can apply at other schools when that opportunity opens up over the summer. You need to put your foot down on consequences and follow-through. It's just not possible for you to safely do your job if you have to worry about PE guy stopping by her classroom during her planning period. Not a chance.

Also insist on IC for her, anything else is rug sweeping. She needs to unpack why she has **** boundaries that would let her put her marriage and family at risk for a few dopamine hits from a young "stud" gym teacher. It's really sad. She cannot be a safe partner until she deals with this in counseling. Do not let her refuse that.

Finally, not right away but if you work this out and things are looking good, then find a way to take her on a few of your overseas trips every so often. I don't know if you can schedule far enough in advance for her to take those days off, but that would be a really cool thing for the two of you to do. Good luck, I hope this works out for you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BelsBeast66 said:


> Sorry to hear.. truly..!


No need to be sorry. I'm happily married for over 32 years with no marital infidelity.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jalden67 said:


> I spoke with my wife about the feelings one has about trust being broken and what she can do to rebuild that trust. Also possibly of a post/nup where if our relationship were to end that my pension/401K is untouchable


Isn’t this somewhat backwards? Shouldn’t SHE have been the one initiating the discussion and asking YOU what is needed to rebuild your trust in her? Asking you about your feelings? 

SHE should have brought up a postnup, not you.

Nothing you have mentioned would help most to be comfortable leaving for a two day trip away where unexpected return is impossible.

What would have happened if you hadnt returned unexpected?

BTW, IMO her retiring would just give her more time for extracurricular activities. And expose you to more spousal support when the wheels come off.



jalden67 said:


> My wife is also adamant that she would never have engaged in a sexual relationship with a work colleague ever.


How about with someone she DOESNT work with? Of course no one is ever going to admit they would engage in an affair. What would you expect her to say?


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> I’ll try to get the thread back on track. I was able to download all the texts from my wife’s phone and back that up with five months of phone bills to cross track. No texts were deleted and really mundane school chatter with the odd debate of politics. And surprisingly immature tests about how their principal dresses like he’s 70. The night I confronted her I was also able to read the texts she sent to two of her friends asking them to come over and I’ll quote “so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.” Seems Devin pursued my wife and although she’s guilty of poor judgment, there was no romantic evenings. The “walking club” with work colleagues has “**** show” written all over it. When she ended up walking alone with Devin the two times it was because her friend wasn’t able to get a babysitter for her kids. And another was sore from kickboxing (?)
> I truly believe after spending time with our counselor that it was the typical “mid life”crisis where you want to experience some excitement because you realize that half of your life is over. And possibly teaching 40 hours a week then coming home to two active twins might not be what they wanted. My job allows me to explore some pretty cool places and maybe with the focus always on myself at work being a Captain of a larger aircraft. The counselor said, sometimes when a spouse gets too much attention the other one thus feels left out. And the more I take a forensic investigation into this mess the more it points to someone liking the attention they were receiving, the conversations and the compliments.
> We’ve decided that we need the return of boundaries as what one can do in a committed relationship. No passwords ever on phones, and possibly leaving teaching and retire. I spoke with my wife about the feelings one has about trust being broken and what she can do to rebuild that trust. Also possibly of a post/nup where if our relationship were to end that my pension/401K is untouchable
> 
> ...


Im honestly confused. It sounds as if you believe youve turned over every stone, all needed questions have been asked and answered, you are satisfied with her answers, and have now closed the case of your wife and the hot young gym teacher, tied it up neatly with a bow and have moved on down the road as a reconciling couple.

Most people come here looking for advice and answers from the collective wisdom of other Betrayeds who have paid for lessons learned in agonizing sweat and tears. There has been a lot of good input given to you which youve now dismissed in one sentence, "I’ll try to get the thread back on track." Sincerely, I wasnt aware we were off track. Weve just learned some hard hard lessons about the need to be very skeptical concerning the claims of lying cheaters and the great dangers of rugsweeping.

I am sincerely asking you now, what are you looking for here? Why are you in this site?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

DosEquis said:


> There has been a lot of good input given to you which youve now dismissed in one sentence, "I’ll try to get the thread back on track." Sincerely, I wasnt aware we were off track.


Dos, there was a pretty heavy-duty thread jack going on, that's what OP was talking about. I don't think his comment was intended to discount all the advice he's received.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

DosEquis said:


> Im honestly confused. It sounds as if you believe youve turned over every stone, all needed questions have been asked and answered, you are satisfied with her answers, and have now closed the case of your wife and the hot young gym teacher, tied it up neatly with a bow and have moved on down the road as a reconciling couple.
> 
> Most people come here looking for advice and answers from the collective wisdom of other Betrayeds who have paid for lessons learned in agonizing sweat and tears. There has been a lot of good input given to you which youve now dismissed in one sentence, "I’ll try to get the thread back on track." Sincerely, I wasnt aware we were off track. Weve just learned some hard hard lessons about the need to be very skeptical concerning the claims of lying cheaters and the great dangers of rugsweeping.
> 
> I am sincerely asking you now, what are you looking for here? Why are you in this site?


I agree with DosEquis on his assessment. To me, it sounds as though she was already doing something with this guy and was looking for acceptance from the group of friends to “get used to” and/or accept the young meat’s presence (which is the logic framework these animals operate in). It could be, COULD BE, that the OP stumbled upon the first instance of a cheating episode, but there’s a very high probability of that not being the case. Initially, these animals tend to consummate the adultery far from home and away from inquisitive eyes and slowly but surely, “drunk” with the confidence of not having been caught, work their way to each other’s residences.

@jalden67 I hate to say it but… I think your wife was trying to set up the gym teacher to keep your side of the bed warm while you were out flying. THAT is where she was at mentally until the words “the jig is up” came out of her mouth.

Please, understand something about adulterers, whether you agree with us or not, 1) they lie, 2) they will say what you want to hear, 3) they will minimize and 4) they will trickle truth you until you fall asleep. There is a very good chance your wife is doing one of these four things to you, a combination of or all four at the same time.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Jalden 67
Thanks for the update. It does seem like you headed this off at the pass. Life isn't perfect and relationships are not perfect. There are a couple of things that stick out to me. She invited him over via private text emphasizing that you and the kids would not be there. She invited the others over so he would not get the wrong idea. How easy would it have been for him to leave last - just stay back at the last minute to help clean up. You indicated that he was pursuing her. Your original post made it seem like she was pursuing him. In any case she did not shut it down. Why not? And why invite him over at all when she knew what his intensions were? I think she is kidding herself if she thinks it was all under control. I think she needs to do a deep dive with her therapist to discover her true whys.

Her claim about how she would never get physical with anyone from work is just a standard answer that she might believe, BUT if you had confronted her months earlier and said you were concerned she was getting to close to the gym teacher, wouldn't she have answered that she would never let a relationship develop with someone from work.

I would also be concerned about her retiring - wouldn't it just give her more time to feel alone and bored.

That being said, I actually think you are probably in good shape. I am just saying that you should remain alert. Don't go overboard on the monitoring. She will feel more secure and it will benefit your relationship. If she strays, she will be more likely to make a mistake.
Is there any way she could go with you 2 or 3 times a year?


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> […]Her claim about how she would never get physical with anyone from work is just a standard answer that she might believe[…]


I think someone actually listed this very line to mean “I’ll f-ck his/her brains out as soon as I get a chance” in the _Euphemisms Dictionary_.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

At the very least, she was trying to build “The Fantasy” right? Husband’s out of town… Young and attentive stud… Stolen glances across the dinner table… one too many wine glasses… friends leave… jump in the pool… and then, as Corey Wayne likes to say “the dïck just happened to be inside me.”


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Dos, there was a pretty heavy-duty thread jack going on, that's what OP was talking about. I don't think his comment was intended to discount all the advice he's received.


Hey Exit, thanks for responding. IMO I was not threadjacking at all. In fact, I was dealing with the heart of the heart of the matter and quoted OP directly in order to respond.

I will, however, truly "threadjack". Here is a commonly held definition of threadjacking"

Noun. threadjacking (plural threadjackings) (Internet) *The act of taking over an e-mail list or discussion thread with a subject unrelated to the original posting*.

I will truly "threadjack" once again here shortly.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I think you have it right @ Jalden 67
She definitely made choices ...
Now you know and can make changes in your marriage. 

Many here go to the extreme with "Advice "

Take what you need and leave the rest if that Sh!t behind


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jalden67 said:


> The night I confronted her I was also able to read the texts she sent to two of her friends asking them to come over and I’ll quote “so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.”
> 
> 
> Seems Devin pursued my wife and although she’s guilty of poor judgment, there was no romantic evenings. The “walking club” with work colleagues has “**** show” written all over it. When she ended up walking alone with Devin the two times it was because her friend wasn’t able to get a babysitter for her kids.
> ...


No, that message to her friends, was to throw *them 'off the track'.*

She should not have included him, knowing he was hot to get in her pants.
She did not, she included him.

She has a flimsy excuse for everything including the walks. She should have cancelled the walks when the others could not make it.

She didn't.

You are being gas-lighted.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

This *is* a threadjack of sorts.....

In my perplexity as to the OPs most recent update, I began to think of my friends that are airline pilots. They are professional, analytical, practiced, highly versed on the equipment they fly, in control of the cockpit environment, have procedural manuals and checklists that are used regularly so that all goes "by the book", *are used to making command decisions in compressed time frames*.

I am wondering if this skillset is working against OP in this situation where. A + B = J.

Just a thought. End threadjack.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Changed his name in her phone to D, after husband saw their message………intentional

talking/texting constantly

inviting him individually after hours over to a swim party, even after he refused a visit from her to his place.

Tells her friends to come so he doesn’t get the wrong idea. Uh huh….. clearly the wrong idea was in her mind. Who’d she invite FIRST? 

Informed him the husband was away and kids gone overnight. NOBODY does that with an opposite sex “Friend” unless nefarious designs are implied. 

I’m suspicious of the entire thread, but why in the heck would OP think everything is fine and his wife is a little angel after all the obvious events have transpired?

it’s like the president getting a present from Vladimir Putin that is heard ticking, sets off Geiger counters a mile away, has strange wires poking out, police dogs are rabidly barking at it, and the president just casually opens it up after telling everyone, “don’t worry, I talked to Vladimir this morning and he says we were all good and hoped he had a huge positive impact on my life”.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m suspicious of the entire thread, but why in the heck would OP think everything is fine and his wife is a little angel after all the obvious events have transpired?


I think @DosEquis may be onto something about why OP is moving on so fast.

This makes perfect sense, he believes his wife and sees no evidence to the contrary.
Even all those red flags betrayed people see a mile away...OP doesn't. There's a 'reasonable' explanation for those things according to his believable wife.

So A + B = J





DosEquis said:


> This *is* a threadjack of sorts.....
> 
> In my perplexity as to the OPs most recent update, I began to think of my friends that are airline pilots. They are professional, analytical, practiced, highly versed on the equipment they fly, in control of the cockpit environment, have procedural manuals and checklists that are used regularly so that all goes "by the book", *are used to making command decisions in compressed time frames*.
> 
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I can’t see a suspected AP coming to a pilot’s house and the pilot taking off with to intercept, and him not going outside to discuss things. Seems like a pilot would be a more decisive, take charge dude.
Am I missing something?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I can’t see a suspected AP coming to a pilot’s house and the pilot taking off with to intercept, and him not going outside to discuss things. Seems like a pilot would be a more decisive, take charge dude.
> Am I missing something?


Yeah, very odd that there is no mention of words exchanged with the OM sitting in the drive way. That does seem really odd.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

jalden67 said:


> I’ll try to get the thread back on track. I was able to download all the texts from my wife’s phone and back that up with five months of phone bills to cross track. No texts were deleted and really mundane school chatter with the odd debate of politics. And surprisingly immature tests about how their principal dresses like he’s 70. The night I confronted her I was also able to read the texts she sent to two of her friends asking them to come over and I’ll quote “so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.” Seems Devin pursued my wife and although she’s guilty of poor judgment, there was no romantic evenings. The “walking club” with work colleagues has “**** show” written all over it. When she ended up walking alone with Devin the two times it was because her friend wasn’t able to get a babysitter for her kids. And another was sore from kickboxing (?)
> I truly believe after spending time with our counselor that it was the typical “mid life”crisis where you want to experience some excitement because you realize that half of your life is over. And possibly teaching 40 hours a week then coming home to two active twins might not be what they wanted. My job allows me to explore some pretty cool places and maybe with the focus always on myself at work being a Captain of a larger aircraft. The counselor said, sometimes when a spouse gets too much attention the other one thus feels left out. And the more I take a forensic investigation into this mess the more it points to someone liking the attention they were receiving, the conversations and the compliments.
> We’ve decided that we need the return of boundaries as what one can do in a committed relationship. No passwords ever on phones, and possibly leaving teaching and retire. I spoke with my wife about the feelings one has about trust being broken and what she can do to rebuild that trust. Also possibly of a post/nup where if our relationship were to end that my pension/401K is untouchable
> 
> ...


I hope all goes well for your family! Sorry to see you here. Couple odd things I noticed as a newer member myself. Guess I'm a bit sensitive due to my own problems.
First, you open as long time listener, first time caller? If your marriage was great and you both happy, why would you be here? Just out of boredom? A forum for primarily couples in distress. Looking for help.
You said after you came back and confronted her, that she went outside to meet the om and told him the "jig is up"? This alone makes no sense by what you're saying here. Why would she tell the om the jig is up? What exactly was the "jig"? Is this just a misstatement by you in conveying the story?
I don't want to disrespect you, your wife or family here at all, just it makes no sense.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Jalden,
> 
> Very few people knowingly go out to start an affair, oh i am sure there are people out there that do indeed join affair sites to actively seek out a partner or test the waters for a host of poor excuses, but in truth most occur in the normal routine of life, by seeing somebody of the opposite sex in a different light that particular day or someone new who has join their company and there is a spark of sorts. And then suddenly that loyal spouse start internalizing to themselves that they would like to know that person but only from a peripheral perspective, to be friendly but not to friendly and internally they create lines in the sands they don't cross, because they tell themselves that we are "just friends" in fact that is what they tell everyone around them including their spouse because on some level that is what they want to believe....always going back to those lines in the sand. Then suddenly they find themselves thinking about that person, at first in dreams segments, they might find themselves masturbating about them or waking their spouse and initiating sex in fact they will rationalize this as being an good thing for their marriage , healthy even. In this way they can continue to feel good about themselves and the lines are still there, just a bit smudged. And then they find activities that they can join/create that would include this person beyond the work atmosphere but a way that their spouse is not invited or told so that they can continue this peripheral emotional investment in this person, there is that hug you give them lingering an little longer than normal, they light body touch, nothing overtly sexual but definitely more sensual and as the waves of emotions slowly takes over the line in the sands are slowly eradicated by those waves.
> 
> ...


I do not think we can generalize about how things start. The above is certainly true aboutvsomecaffairs and how they start. But, there is no way to quantify the %.
Regardless, premeditated or unplanned (initially, anyway), the manner of onset mitigates nothing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OP nipped this pool party tryst in the bud.
That is all he accomplished.

What about the other encounters?
Namely, the two walks and the possible other (unknown) times that they got together.?

The gym teacher is careful.
He wanted to protect his own reputation.

He did not come over to the house the first time because of that, uh, finding himself in the Lions' Den.
That makes for a large dose of chutzpah,

........................................................................
_Think about it-_

The pool party.

OP's wife, and the other lady friends in revealing swim suits.
With all their assets jutting out, and they being ogled and admired.

The hunky gym teacher eyeing them up.
What a turn-on for some ladies.

Oh yeah....

Gym guy in his speedo, his bare body totally revealed and the outline of his round bum, and his junk, fully, on display.
Yes, and all ladies attending, hoping he would get aroused.

OP's wife arranged this.

We know why.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This last post I wrote (above) is that 2 x 4 that sometimes needs to be wielded.

Just Sayin'


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

DosEquis said:


> Hey Exit, thanks for responding. IMO I was not threadjacking at all. In fact, I was dealing with the heart of the heart of the matter and quoted OP directly in order to respond.
> 
> I will, however, truly "threadjack". Here is a commonly held definition of threadjacking"
> 
> ...


I don't think you were threadjacking. The guy who was threadjacking just got banned it appears.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> I don't think you were threadjacking. The guy who was threadjacking just got banned it appears.


Ah...understood. My apologies.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Question deleted by me due to rereading original post and adding wrong info. Sorry


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

These are meaningless words and your wife wants you to apologize.

I don't think that someone who takes the young partner to their house expects attention from you, she chose the person she expected attention from, but you came home.

now protecting the provider and the pool house.

Have it run the std test and pass you the results

plan a polygraph and take it away

don't let her leave the job, show that the breakup doesn't leave the table, it should build your confidence

see a lawyer, if your wife will stay, let her sign the agreement, if she will leave, start the divorce

let the kids know and your wife stays with her friend for a while so she can come home while you fly.

you have to show that it has serious consequences,


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)




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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Does it bother you at al that your wife finds this younger man more attractive than you and would have preferred an intimate relationship with him vs you? You are in effect playing second fiddle and she is staying with you because of potential consequences vs preference and/ or devotion.

It seems clear to me that she wanted to be alone with him at your house while you and the kids were gone. Do you have the same option that she does? Can younstartva relationship with a younger woman as you approach mid life?

Your wife betrayed you and the only reason this did not go physical at that time is you came home. She specifically told this guy you would not be home, nor would the kids. Why do you think it was important for her to tell him that if she was merely inviting him over to swim with fellow coworkers? Why was his name changed in her phone? Why was she dressing nicer?
You know the answers. But, if she claims she felt neglected, old etc. , it is all okay? Her marriage counselor buys her story re her intent? Is this counselor that naive?
You have as partner who is not loyal to you, not attracted to you as much as she is this younger man, and who feels entitled to lie and cheat. That has to be discouraging.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

So why did OP not address the OM when he showed up and she had confessed? Me, I'd told her stay inside and went to greet him and inquire just what the hell does he think he's doing? Let him know this isn't a game and Im not laughing! Start talking now, or I guarantee both of you will be fired due to charges of moral interpitude. As a husband I would not have allowed my wife to just shoo him away and then endure sucking up over it.
Also did OP ever mention if the gym teacher is married. I'd blow his world up, drop a nuke on his marriage as well and let them see how it feels as well.
. Just saying...this smells bad!


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> I agree with DosEquis on his assessment. To me, it sounds as though she was already doing something with this guy and was looking for acceptance from the group of friends to “get used to” and/or accept the young meat’s presence (which is the logic framework these animals operate in). It could be, COULD BE, that the OP stumbled upon the first instance of a cheating episode, but there’s a very high probability of that not being the case. Initially, these animals tend to consummate the adultery far from home and away from inquisitive eyes and slowly but surely, “drunk” with the confidence of not having been caught, work their way to each other’s residences.
> 
> @jalden67 I hate to say it but… I think your wife was trying to set up the gym teacher to keep your side of the bed warm while you were out flying. THAT is where she was at mentally until the words “the jig is up” came out of her mouth.
> 
> Please, understand something about adulterers, whether you agree with us or not, 1) they lie, 2) they will say what you want to hear, 3) they will minimize and 4) they will trickle truth you until you fall asleep. There is a very good chance your wife is doing one of these four things to you, a combination of or all four at the same time.


Seriously bo, is it really necessary to call people animals? Come on. Regardless of what screwed up things we do to each other, we aren't "animals". Life goes on, the sun comes up, the earth still spins around the sun. It has for you and everyone who's been here and will in the future. Sure it's a bucket of painful suck, but we go on living. Heck I'm not even sure exactly how long my marriage is gonna last at this point either! I may just have to face a lot of pain myself, but life will go on


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I asked early on in this thread why the OP didn't confront " Devin " in the driveway. 

Crickets....if it was me it would have been fireworks. 

I would personally want some answers. 

That being said, OP , is satisfied with the answers he has. 

That should be enough for all of us


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> So you are really mad at someone and say “I could kill him,“ the judge can toss you in prison for intent to murder? We don’t know if she would’ve changed her mind at the last minute.


Big difference, she was taking action to make it happen. More like made a deal with the hit man and paid a retainer.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TinyTbone said:


> Seriously bo, is it really necessary to call people animals? Come on. Regardless of what screwed up things we do to each other, we aren't "animals". Life goes on, the sun comes up, the earth still spins around the sun. It has for you and everyone who's been here and will in the future. Sure it's a bucket of painful suck, but we go on living. Heck I'm not even sure exactly how long my marriage is gonna last at this point either! I may just have to face a lot of pain myself, but life will go on


Yes people are animals, did you not pay attention in HS Biology class.🤨😂

Just like sex offenders, cheaters let their animalistic urges rule the day, over their human conscience. Why to me, they are not much better, because they commit an offense against the BS that causes pain and suffering or even death.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

I agree with keeping your eyes open. 
In the meantime how about you take her with you on some short trips. That would get her out of her bubble and expand her horizons with you.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Seriously bo, is it really necessary to call people animals? Come on. Regardless of what screwed up things we do to each other, we aren't "animals". Life goes on, the sun comes up, the earth still spins around the sun. It has for you and everyone who's been here and will in the future. Sure it's a bucket of painful suck, but we go on living. Heck I'm not even sure exactly how long my marriage is gonna last at this point either! I may just have to face a lot of pain myself, but life will go on


I call them "animals" because they've succumbed to animalistic urges with an abandonment only seen in animals. They act without an ounce of remorse of who they're hurting and how much emotional trauma their romantic "game" generated. 

I have zero sympathy for them.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Seriously bo, is it really necessary to call people animals? Come on. Regardless of what screwed up things we do to each other, we aren't "animals".


By all means true
Why to insult animals? Lot of them are loyal beings


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

ElOtro said:


> By all means true
> Why to insult animals? Lot of them are loyal beings


Guys, point taken. No need to insult animals.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> I call them "animals" because they've succumbed to animalistic urges with an abandonment only seen in animals. They act without an ounce of remorse of who they're hurting and how much emotional trauma their romantic "game" generated.
> 
> I have zero sympathy for them.


Look I'm sorry. Man I know you went to hell and back! I mean genuinely I winced at the pain your dealing with. I mean 0 disrespect for you and your situation...just that animals stuff, sounds so debasing is all. Keep up the good fight sir!


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Yes people are animals, did you not pay attention in HS Biology class.🤨😂
> 
> Just like sex offenders, cheaters let their animalistic urges rule the day, over their human conscience. Why to me, they are not much better, because they commit an offense against the BS that causes pain and suffering or even death.


Yep, I did pay attention in biology. Scored really high! Of course homosapiens is, as we like to think, the highest order of mammals. I find it prudent to not allow my feelings to be ruthless in writing or when speaking to others. Doesn't mean I feel that we can't be worse than animals and are! 
My apologies to anyone that may have found my comment out of place, considering the highly emotionally charged issues being discussed. Guess I'm still a delicate flower yet!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> Your wife betrayed you and the only reason this did not go physical at that time is you came home. She specifically told this guy you would not be home, nor would the kids. Why do you think it was important for her to tell him that if she was merely inviting him over to swim with fellow coworkers


OP actually doesn’t know for sure that the affair hasn’t been physical for awhile. All he actually “knows” is what she told him.

She got a real charge out of having a fit gym rat 15 years her junior interested in doing her. The endorphins are through the roof. An affair high. And rest assured she isnt about to give those good feelings up ever. The hormones from pre menopause, the opportunity, the attention from a young, hung, fit guy. And OP believes she hasn’t already riden the stallion numerous times?

Read @Arkansas thread about how his middle-aged wife went full on for a 27-year old. Efd his brains out for months and eventually married him. The kid was her daughters BF. Took her husband awhile to snap to what was going on, but it eventually was unavoidable.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

If your wife wants to cheat, it doesn't matter whether it's at home, at school or elsewhere.

you can't follow her and everyone knows your house, including her friends and om.

she cheated on walks and at school, she wanted to go to the man's house, he wanted to use your bed.

A polygraph can tell you how many times you've been cheated on and how many people she had relationships with during your marriage.

Offer her to say everything and go through the polygraph.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Well hasn't been an update from the OM. So how's it going Jalden67? Do hope against all the concerns here that all is well with you and your family.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Methinks OP has checked out....


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

He updated us yesterday.


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## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

QuietGuy said:


> He updated us yesterday.


Yes he did!


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## BoLv2Fght (Apr 1, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> I don’t want to kick a man when he’s down but I hope you understand that it wasn’t just a swim she invited him over for, she was planning on cheating on you. And I hope you also understand that if you hadn’t caught her she would by now be having a full on affair with this guy. You caught her, she didn’t own up until she had to. Frankly I wouldn’t trust your wife and I really don’t know how you must feel when you’re not there.


 I truly get it about giving the benefit of the doubt. Understand that women uses minimization, they downplay their story. You get only the holding hands but not the french kisses behind the door. You get where I am going with this? If she admitted an emotional affair. My friend that is only 50% of the story. If she was having only an emotional affair. She admits he is a just a kid living with his parents. Yes you can forgive but can never forget and you will never ever see her the way you used to ever again but here is the worse part you will never ever be the same man ever again. A man's primary source of pride or ego as a man is the woman beside him. You can stand tall against any powerful man in the world and feel just as equal or even more when they show that primal interest with that woman deside you. But the young man 15 year old younger will always stand taller no matter what ever. That is why no matter how much you probably still love her. this is the end of the road for most men. The deal breaker. This is the difference between the repercussions to the marriage if whether who cheated was the man or the woman.


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## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I wouldn’t say that you jumped too soon. Any man wants to stop the affair in its tracks, especially when you have hard evidence already.
> 
> *Amen to this! Anyone would want to stop it in its track, man or woman.*
> 
> ...





Numb26 said:


> Get yourself tested, get your financials in order, contact a lawyer and start focusing on yourself (working out, hobbies, friends). After you do all that then you have a decision to make, stay or leave. Do what is best for you.
> 
> *I agree 100% on this. You need to heal and recover. I would want my husband to work on him while I try to help and work on myself.*





Exit37 said:


> I don't think they need marriage counseling, the marriage isn't broken, she is. She needs IC to figure out why she has such **** boundaries that she's willing to throw away her marriage and family for a romp with the young gym teacher...
> 
> *I agree, she needs to bend over backwards working on getting herself straightened out.*
> 
> ...





Tdbo said:


> OP, the bottom line is that she is the one that broke the marriage, she is the one that needs to fix it.
> She is the one that needs to be doing the work in counseling to figure out, and correct, whatever malfunction(s) that led up to her betrayal.
> 
> She should be moving heaven and earth, utilizing all resources, in an attempt to restore trust and make you feel safe in the relationship.
> ...





Longtime Hubby said:


> Confront the PE Teacher - I would have
> 
> *YES! I wondered about this as well? My husband would have walked out there with me and dealt with it with the man to nip that in the bud. If my husband had been the one to mess up I would have been confronting the woman.*





Longtime Hubby said:


> Gotta say I was very impressed with how you caught her by calling in sick, doubling back home. I do think after others left, she and he woulda done the horizontal bop. Not in your bed. Maybe guest room or couch.
> 
> *Yes good job nipping it before it got worse.*





blackclover3 said:


> @jalden67
> let me get this
> 
> 1- your wife has emotional affair
> ...





Openminded said:


> You’ll never trust her again the way you once did and you shouldn’t. Now you have to try to rebuild and that’s never easy. I wish you well.
> 
> *The trust has changed. I could trust my husband again but the relationship would forever be different. No doubt. And it would take a very long time. During that time and all the stages throughout are the challenges. When to give a little of your heart back? How much each time? She has a very long way to go to rebuild any trust. Be careful how fast you allow that. I know in our world (mine) we are to forgive immediately not matter what but that does not mean we forget or avail ourselves to danger. The forgiveness is as much for our hearts and minds as theirs. I have seen what a blackened heart that isn’t cleared does to people. It eats away at the core rotting from the inside slowly ruining everything it comes across. Clear it out with forgiveness not forgetfulness.*





ArthurGPym said:


> Brother, you were protecting and standing up for your marriage. Nothing at all wrong with that.
> *
> Amen to this!*
> 
> ...





gr8ful1 said:


> At a minimum, have her write out a COMPLETE timeline of every interaction she ever had with this ahole. Then have HER pay for a polygraph to verify its veracity. Also have the question asked whether she was hoping for anything sexual to happen when he came over. Lastly, tell her if she wants you to even consider staying in this marriage she must sign a post-nup that favors you.
> 
> *It sounds harsh but I have to agree. *





DosEquis said:


> Your marriage did not destroy your relationship, your wife did. She needs to be in IC asap. She needs to read..a lot. "Not Just Friends," and, "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", are an absolute must.
> 
> *YES!*
> 
> ...





QuietGuy said:


> She better be moving heaven and earth to make you feel safe.
> 
> *Yes!*
> 
> ...





BelsBeast66 said:


> In a nut shell, it has happened to me, and sadly I have been on the other side as well. More then 20 years later I still needed closure on her emotional side of her affair, very recently I got it, the physical aspect was long ago dealt with and forgiven that was easy by comparison to the emotional side of it, but it took me finally being honest about my own responsibility in my part of her EA, she was left feeling neglected and feeling unloved, unwanted and feeling alone. I did that to her.
> 
> *Yes it happens.*
> 
> ...





sokillme said:


> If she needed more attention from you she should have talked to you.
> 
> *Oh my goodness YES. Or or or gotten butt naked in front of you! Then I bet there would have been a lot of talking.*
> 
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> She cheated, not him. But he needs to see some poo hit the fan too I think.
> 
> *Yes! Oh heck Yes he does.*





Affaircare said:


> jalden67
> 
> Respectfully, I would disagree with this. The condition of your marriage PRIOR to the Emotional Affair (EA) would be something you could examine, but the actual responsibility for the EA is 100% all on her. Here's why: let's say that as she said, she felt unloved, unwanted, lonely, etc. A faithful spouse would have come to you, tell you she was feeling unloved, unwanted, and/or lonely as you were away flying so much, and requested that the two of you work it out to stay connected or reconnect. That's reasonable.
> 
> ...





No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> OP, if you come back to this post, you really need to hold her accountable and her feet to the fire.
> 
> *Totally!*
> 
> ...





Lostinthought61 said:


> Jalden,
> 
> Very few people knowingly go out to start an affair,
> 
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> I’m gonna call bs on this response of hers.
> 
> The look on her face when you came home and caught her should be evidence enough. The jig is up! Who says that??????
> 
> ...





ShatteredKat said:


> jalden67
> 
> Get a "security" camera or two going in your house. Lots of choices online search will provide.
> Then consider a hidden camera.
> ...





Exit37 said:


> Jalden, it sounds like you have given this a lot of thought, and nobody here knows your wife as well as you do. I believe at a minimum she was purposefully toeing the slippery slope on this one, and regardless of whether she thought she could do that and enjoy the titillation without stepping over the line this was still a massive breach of your trust. Once again, as others have said, regardless of her intentions she was putting herself into a situation that affairs start from. And she was hiding it, and she knew better.
> 
> *Thumbs up!*
> 
> ...





Jimi007 said:


> I think you have it right @ Jalden 67
> She definitely made choices ...
> Now you know and can make changes in your marriage.
> 
> ...


*Wow! Great input people. Jalden67 has a lot to gleam from.

Your marriage is going to be different if you stick it out. How you shape it will depend on how much the two of you work at it for the rest of your lives. There are no days off in marriage. It’s like that commercial where the dad tells the baby he’s taking the day off (not from work). My husband comes home, I’m there. I greet him enthusiastically. He responds equally. If not I know something’s up and we talk. We work at it together. We never ever skip our date night or let anything get in the way. If I am out of town and he is home alone for any extended time, we find a way to connect in more ways than a phone call. We are very busy when we travel for our work and yet we find time for attention, sharing, intimacy, and the many “I love yous.” If you stick it out, start new. I love the setting the boundaries, clearly define everything you can think of. Early in our marriage when I was shy, I wish we had written it all down, expectations, hopes, dreams, desires, plans, goals, whatever you name them. I know my husband’s, “have lots of sex, lots of ways, lots of times.” He hasn’t changed. Currently mine is almost as simple, “kissing, lots and lots of kissing,” and there is more but when that is happening, everything else is for us. 

Keep in touch Mr. Jalden67. Your updates and insights could help others. Thanks for sharing.*


----------



## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> He updated us yesterday.


Its not about the recentness of the update, but the tone of finality to it which is sad to me as he is running a huge risk by rushing to judgement and declaring reconciliation. 

So many here are pointing out the multiple "what about this?'s" which are very obvious to other Betrayeds but he seemingly does not want to hear about what is very plain to many, me included. The red flags are replete, yet he has declared case closed.

I hope he is not one who comes back months, even years later saying "You all were right....I should have listened," but I think the chances are very good that there is far more to this story.

I also question why HE did not go out and talk to the hot young gym teacher and put him on serious notice. Way too passive/aloof of an approach imo.

One things for sure, as it stands, long haul flights are going to be torture from now on.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

bygone said:


> If your wife wants to cheat, it doesn't matter whether it's at home, at school or elsewhere.
> 
> you can't follow her and everyone knows your house, including her friends and om.
> 
> ...


Indeed.

Like it's been said in these forums multiple times, women are light years ahead of men when it comes to secretly carrying out affairs. Most often, when the husband finds out about the infidelity it's because she wanted him to know, not that he found out. This is why so many of these female infidelity cases tend to end badly for the husband. 

In this case we have the aggravating circumstances of 1) she's a teacher, 2) she works in a school setting, 3) she seems to hang out with people who seem oddly disinterested with one of their female colleagues advances on the hot young teacher and 4) the husband is far far far away 3 days a week (and so are the kids). I'd say that if we were to put together the perfect storm of cheating circumstances, this would be right up there. 

Like Corey Wayne likes to say, "it's all professional and harmless until it is not," and when it is not, it's already too late. 

As of today, there isn't anything in what I'm reading that leads me to believe she hasn't had sex with him already. The email to the group of friends telling them to come on over so that he doesn't get "the wrong idea" is the quintessential exercise in covering your a** and diverting attention just in case someone gets The Memo. In fact, I would venture to say that there is a very high probability that she has been cheating on him since the kids started sleeping away. I bet she used the excuse that she wants them to be out at the same time their father is out so that they minimize the time they're away from each other. So she has all this time to herself during which anything can happen really.

Now the husband is dealing with a wife that has had a dopamine high more than once and most likely stray again. She's either going to keep the young teacher in the background as a potential emotional/romantic pivot or as an orbiter. Either way I see her trying to contact the guy again.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> OP actually doesn’t know for sure that the affair hasn’t been physical for awhile. All he actually “knows” is what she told him.














> She got a real charge out of having a fit gym rat 15 years her junior interested in doing her. The endorphins are through the roof. An affair high. And rest assured she isnt about to give those good feelings up ever. The hormones from pre menopause, the opportunity, the attention from a young, hung, fit guy. And OP believes she hasn’t already riden the stallion numerous times?


^^^ This. To me it sounds like the quintessential case of the woman being completely taken aback by the interest from a young fit dude and her not knowing what to do with herself. Her having a pool party sounds to me like she just wanted a whole night of _rump-a-dump, _instead of the usual 30-minute quickie at the local motel. 

I really hope the husband understands that there is a lot more to her story that she isn't saying and that her relationship with the OM is way deeper than she has led him to believe. I'd, at the very least, call a lawyer and secure as many assets as I could, not only retirement funds.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BoSlander said:


> ^^^ This. To me it sounds like the quintessential case of the woman being completely taken aback by the interest from a young fit dude and her not knowing what to do with herself. Her having a pool party sounds to me like she just wanted a whole night of _rump-a-dump, _instead of the usual 30-minute quickie at the local motel.
> 
> I really hope the husband understands that there is a lot more to her story that she isn't saying and that her relationship with the OM is way deeper than she has led him to believe. I'd, at the very least, call a lawyer and secure as many assets as I could, not only retirement funds.


He did mention doing a post nup. I'm not a fan of pre nups but in a case like this it is a good idea. It is a consequence the betrayer has to bear.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He did mention doing a post nup. I'm not a fan of pre nups but in a case like this it is a good idea. It is a consequence the betrayer has to bear.


Yup. Completely agree.

There's a very high probability she's going to try to contact the young teacher again (or him try to contact her). It make take a week, a month or a year, but it will eventually happen.

I have a cousin who had something similar happen to him. He forgave his wife and went on to do counseling for a year.

One day, 3 or 4 years later, he decides to take the opposite route going home (a more "rural" route) and he sees the guy his wife was cheating with years before walking north and, half a mile up the road, his wife walking south. Turns out they were carrying out the affair from day 1 of counseling years before. This is usually how these things end.


----------



## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> Yup. Completely agree.
> 
> There's a very high probability she's going to try to contact the young teacher again (or him try to contact her). It make take a week, a month or a year, but it will eventually happen.
> 
> ...


Wow


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

If I were the OP, I’d set up hidden cameras in the home and a key logger in the computer. I bet my left nut they will communicate at work, so it’s paramount he get access to her work email box and see what is going on.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If I were OP, I’d dump her because there is zero doubt in my mind that she is a predator looking for prey, always will be, and with his profession it’s like Daniel Boone in Kentucky.

When a woman has a taste for chasing men like she CLEARLY has done, it just doesn’t go away. Some people just aren’t built for monogamy.

If this is a true story, OP is wasting time staying with her.


----------



## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> If I were the OP, I’d set up hidden cameras in the home and a key logger in the computer. I bet my left nut they will communicate at work, so it’s paramount he get access to her work email box and see what is going on.


I don't disagree with most of what your saying. However it's all Conjecture on your part...It's all useful information for the OP but it's also your trigger spit. Own it.

He's happy with the info that he has


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s not happy, he’s just sticking his head in the sand and dug sweeping.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

With the kind of life a lot of commercial pilots lead, and the kind of "I've see it all" in their work setting experience, is amazing to see one of them with his head bury in the proverbial sand. Instead of immediately recognizing what he has in his hands. 

I guess, that when it hits them in the face some people just blank out.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> With the kind of life a lot of commercial pilots lead, and the kind of "I've see it all" in their work setting experience, is amazing to see one of them with his head bury in the proverbial sand. Instead of immediately recognizing what he has in his hands.
> 
> I guess, that when it hits them in the face some people just blank out.


Who knows how anyone will react. Maybe the silence is trying to figure out just what the truth is? Hope it's not worse.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> With the kind of life a lot of commercial pilots lead, and the kind of "I've see it all" in their work setting experience, is amazing to see one of them with his head bury in the proverbial sand. Instead of immediately recognizing what he has in his hands.
> 
> I guess, that when it hits them in the face some people just blank out.


I suspect he is done here for quite awhile. And if things go south would be surprised to read him updating that he was wrong about how things went down. He has a job that takes him away from home for long periods. So trying to manage a divorce isn't going to be the easiest for him. I used to go on business trips, and just trying to manage getting broken appliances repaired from a distance was a real pain. 

And, from what have read on here, nearly all betrayed husbands do their best to "not see it all". That's why going for the track of "forgiveness" is what they grab for desperately. OP's wife gave him the words he wanted to hear, he swallowed them, end of story for now.

Another thing I have been wondering is if she invited the coworkers to pool party for a group romp. Like maybe Mr Gym Rat is capable of handling a harem. Or other possibilities. We don't know if the coworkers invited were mixed male/female. Sorry.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I suspect he is done here for quite awhile. And if things go south would be surprised to read him updating that he was wrong about how things went down. He has a job that takes him away from home for long periods. So trying to manage a divorce isn't going to be the easiest for him. I used to go on business trips, and just trying to manage getting broken appliances repaired from a distance was a real pain.
> 
> And, from what have read on here, nearly all betrayed husbands do their best to "not see it all". That's why going for the track of "forgiveness" is what they grab for desperately. OP's wife gave him the words he wanted to hear, he swallowed them, end of story for now.
> 
> Another thing I have been wondering is if she invited the coworkers to pool party for a group romp. Like maybe Mr Gym Rat is capable of handling a harem. Or other possibilities. We don't know if the coworkers invited were mixed male/female. Sorry.


In fact there was no talk of the other guests showing at all. Wonder if she'd already let them know she'd cancelled the event, all except the gym teacher


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t think there was anything but a one on one pool dinner planned. But I’m biased.

I mean, how would a guy get the wrong idea when a married woman is texting him nonstop day and night, asks him if she can come over to his place, and when that doesn’t work, tells him her husband is out of town for a few days and her kids are spending the night at a friend’s house!!!!!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TinyTbone said:


> Who knows how anyone will react. Maybe the silence is trying to figure out just what the truth is? Hope it's not worse.


I hope that that's what he's doing for his own sake, but most likely he is wanting to believe her, or he already decided to believe her.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TinyTbone said:


> Seriously bo, is it really necessary to call people animals? Come on. Regardless of what screwed up things we do to each other, we aren't "animals". Life goes on, the sun comes up, the earth still spins around the sun. It has for you and everyone who's been here and will in the future. Sure it's a bucket of painful suck, but we go on living. Heck I'm not even sure exactly how long my marriage is gonna last at this point either! I may just have to face a lot of pain myself, but life will go on


Animals are far nicer.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

syhoybenden said:


> Uhuh.
> 
> View attachment 92617


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Double Post, Internet hiccup. Hey it's Africa!


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

It is rather amazing how gullible a BS can be. I think it is denial.
I did this , too, a long time ago.
I found my XW's writings in a drawer when I was looking for the checkbook. I read " I want to stop my destructive habits: smoking, drinking, SEX WITH STRANGERS ". I did not confront her. She was a mean drunk and I saw no purpose. I had tracked her nights out for 6 months( 112/180 ((we had two toddlers, one severely disabled)) ).

Yet it took me a few months to come to grips with what I knew was true. 

Looking back after all this education on cheating, I realize I was petrified as to what to do. I was living far away from my family of origin. I worked full time and was primary caregiver to our kids. It was not until mybXW`s sister came to me and urged me to divorce that I took action.

To this day, 28 years later, my XW will only admit she had" inappropriate relationships where the ""chemistry became sexualized "". She advocated we refer to that period of her life as " her restless period ". You really cannot make this stuff up.


----------



## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> To this day, 28 years later, my XW will only admit she had" inappropriate relationships where the ""chemistry became sexualized "". She advocated we refer to that period of her life as " her restless period ". You really cannot make this stuff up.


🙄😵‍💫🤓
Nutsoville. Proof positive that narcissists will go to any lengths to rationalize their morally bankrupt behavior.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

DosEquis said:


> 🙄😵‍💫🤓
> Nutsoville. Proof positive that narcissists will go to any lengths to rationale their morally bankrupt behavior.


It amazes me to this day. She is bright, graduated magna cum laude from law school. But, narcissism overrides her intellect. These things she would say( another was " of course I get more time off than you. I have more friends than you"), one would think would embarrass her, as they were not only dumb, but highlighted her entitlement and lack of empathy ( and, believe me, she was super concerned with her image). But, she was blind to how others would perceive her for saying this stuff (probably why she was a lousy litigator, despite her smarts).
I am convinced that a super high % of cheaters would fit the NPD diagnosis. Almost never, however, do they put themsein a position to be diagnosed.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> I am convinced that a super high % of cheaters would fit the NPD diagnosis. Almost never, however, do they put themsein a position to be diagnosed.


The key would be how to ferret these people out before becoming involved with them. Did she hide her flaws before marriage or did hormones blind you?

Did you ever remarry, or did this experience sour you on the whole idea?

Has she continued to buzz through men, or did life finally catch up with her? Did the karma bus run her over or did she escape unscathed?


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> It is rather amazing how gullible a BS can be. I think it is denial.
> I did this , too, a long time ago.
> I found my XW's writings in a drawer when I was looking for the checkbook. I read " I want to stop my destructive habits: smoking, drinking, SEX WITH STRANGERS ". I did not confront her. She was a mean drunk and I saw no purpose. I had tracked her nights out for 6 months( 112/180 ((we had two toddlers, one severely disabled)) ).
> 
> ...


Sorry for that brother! But through what you and so many have went through and been brave enough to share here, with other strangers in need, I'm thankful for. It's all of your combined strengths, wisdom, advice and yes, empathy that have help me find a better mental place and the strength to see the truth of my situation.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> The key would be how to ferret these people out before becoming involved with them. Did she hide her flaws before marriage or did hormones blind you?
> 
> Did you ever remarry, or did this experience sour you on the whole idea?
> 
> Has she continued to buzz through men, or did life finally catch up with her? Did the karma bus run her over or did she escape unscathed?


Not to threadjack too much. But, I did remarry. We had three more kids. Then, 8 years in, my second wife began an affair with her high school boyfriend. I figured it out much more quickly. Used a PI. No internet back at the time of the first one. This time, however, I read up on the signs, investigated right away, and divorced quickly.
My kids all know about their moms` cheating and have little respect for them. I have really good relationships with all of them, adults now.

As far as signs, these folks really mask themselves during courtship. But, there are subtle signs that show up. Plenty of research on this and what to look for.

I am on my own now, just me as and my dog. It is quite peaceful as compared to living with someone who has z personality disorder. 

When I was still interested in dating, I had one very bright line rule: never date anyone that has a history of infidelity, either as a spouse or affair partner. It was quite an education finding so many women who had either cheated on a spouse or boyfriend or been an OW to a married guy. Remarkably prevalent.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> It amazes me to this day. She is bright, graduated magna cum laude from law school. But, narcissism overrides her intellect. These things she would say( another was " of course I get more time off than you. I have more friends than you"), one would think would embarrass her, as they were not only dumb, but highlighted her entitlement and lack of empathy ( and, believe me, she was super concerned with her image). But, she was blind to how others would perceive her for saying this stuff (probably why she was a lousy litigator, despite her smarts).
> I am convinced that a super high % of cheaters would fit the NPD diagnosis. Almost never, however, do they put themsein a position to be diagnosed.


Very true. My XW learned how to pass a polygraph only to show me that she was always one step ahead of me.

Of course, she massively underestimated my resilience but...


----------



## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

In case you're still around OP, this would be a good thread for you to read.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Yes people are animals, did you not pay attention in HS Biology class.🤨😂
> 
> Just like sex offenders, cheaters let their animalistic urges rule the day, over their human conscience. Why to me, they are not much better, because they commit an offense against the BS that causes pain and suffering or even death.


Painfully, accurate.

_**** Sapiens_ are a violent species.
Witness the constant wars, the violence in the big cities.

Not all humans, thank God, but a good 1 or 2% are.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DosEquis said:


> I hope he is not one who comes back months, even years later saying "You all were right....I should have listened," but I think the chances are very good that there is far more to this story.


I hope he comes back later and tells us, the good or the bad news.

Updates are super helpful.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Double Post, Internet hiccup. Hey it's Africa!


Nah, ya did the double tap!


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

DosEquis said:


> In case you're still around OP, this would be a good thread for you to read.


Wow! Another 5 star thread. Can't believe the guy had so much patience... I mean, finding out his wife was being touched by the entire office must've been tough for him. 

This thread is a perfect depiction of why a man must observe how his wife acts around co workers and determine if there is too much intimacy or not.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> I hope he comes back later and tells us, the good or the bad news.
> 
> Updates are super helpful.


Unfortunately, the updates on infidelity threads seem to be pretty rare. Imagine that the thread starters have too much on their plate to bother with an internet forum.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Unfortunately, the updates on infidelity threads seem to be pretty rare. Imagine that the thread starters have too much on their plate to bother with an internet forum.


That's because it seldom ends well.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BoSlander said:


> This thread is a perfect depiction of why a man must observe how his wife acts around co workers and determine if there is too much intimacy or not.


I will only say if a wife has lousy boundaries and is an attention hound anywhere including workplace she will likely stray. Just needs the right circumstances. Which will eventually happen. And observation is just watching the train wreck in slow motion. 

Avoiding marriage to people in high risk workplaces is probably best,


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I will only say if a wife has lousy boundaries and is an attention hound anywhere including workplace she will likely stray. Just needs the right circumstances. Which will eventually happen. And observation is just watching the train wreck in slow motion.
> 
> Avoiding marriage to people in high risk workplaces is probably best,


I definitely would recommend people *NOT* marry others in high risk workplaces. 

Great point.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I will only say if a wife has lousy boundaries and is an attention hound anywhere including workplace she will likely stray. Just needs the right circumstances. Which will eventually happen. And observation is just watching the train wreck in slow motion.
> 
> Avoiding marriage to people in high risk workplaces is probably best,


Avoiding marriage to a personality disordered ahole is even better. Trick is learning what to watch for while dating. Not easy to detect but there are some clues.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> Trick is learning what to watch for while dating. Not easy to detect but there are some clues.


Yes, when dating the real person is locked in a closet at home. Show the best side.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

In my opinion the man did not share the depth of his wife's relationship.

he ran home that evening before om came, normally if he had entered 20 minutes after om's arrival, he would have already encountered the bare truth.

what his wife said to om already explains how far the relationship has come

The guy didn't face om, he's just trying to cover it up

he knows what will happen on the next flight or the next

Even if the woman leaves her job, she will stay in touch with OM without falling into phone records through her supportive friends or applications.

trying to ignore it doesn't make it go away

As I said at the beginning, this is my point of view, I'm not saying it's true.


----------



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

bygone said:


> [...]Even if the woman leaves her job, she will stay in touch with OM without falling into phone records through her supportive friends or applications.[...]


Yup, agree. It's just a matter or time. She'll probably get a burner phone or solely use work chat/email to communicate and find another, less obvious, excuse to leave the house.

If she really, like REALLY REALLY, goes off grid, they will take care of business in the morning/afternoon before/after work, and they'll give themselves 15-30 minutes so as to not raise any suspicion (it's what happened to me) coupled with the odd 4-hour shopping spree where she only buys 1 item.


----------



## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Read @Arkansas thread about how his middle-aged wife went full on for a 27-year old. Efd his brains out for months and eventually married him. The kid was her daughters BF. Took her husband awhile to snap to what was going on, but it eventually was unavoidable.


not 27 ... 20 is when she starting banging him and she passed the kid off as a potential BF for her daughter yes ....... I don't know that they ever married or are even together

I just finally understood the woman I'd married died, replaced with this new person whose qualities I absolutely detest and one I understood that, I never shed another tear for her

The woman I loved and dedicated myself to was gone - it happens


----------



## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

jalden67 said:


> My wife felt neglected, lonely, old and felt she needed something in her life. Then someone new started paying attention to her and she fell for it “ hook line and sinker”. Nine marriage counseling sessions later and we are back to being a stable couple again. But ...... But I can’t seem to let it go, I constantly want to bring it up and for sure the last bunch of arguments all started with me. My wife ended up leaving the school to become a sub -teacher not wanting to work with someone who she had an emotional affair with. My wife has insisted it will never happen again, I can have full access to all of her texts whatsoever.
> 
> But my last trip I thought about it all the way across the pond. I fear I look at her different now, not the young blonde I met years ago but some stranger living in my house.
> 
> That’s it .... that’s all ... I feel broken.



She wanted to bang a younger guy and she knew better, she didn't care about how she hurt anyone else in the world, she wanted it, she did it. She'll do it again because your value isn't enough to keep her from doing those types of things.

She will soon grow tired of the restrictions. The whole " neglected, lonely, old and felt she needed something in her life " is what counseling tells her to use as excuses.

What you know is maybe 5% of what she really has done 


maybe I'm wrong - the more I dug, the most I looked, the more I found .... if you feel broken now, you're going to come f'in unglued if you know all she's done because the chances she's 100% honest with you and told you everything is almost 0

I


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

therapy is misunderstood. does not cause any sacred or groundbreaking change

It is assumed that what is said is true.

How honest will cheaters be?
is variable

more likely to stick to their own stories and lies

It is not uncommon for people to turn to therapists to maintain relationships and manipulate their partners after/during therapy.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

bygone said:


> therapy is misunderstood. does not cause any sacred or groundbreaking change
> 
> It is assumed that what is said is true.
> 
> ...


The counselor I saw after discovery was pretty honest. He told me that a fair part of his practice was with couples where one partner cheated. He said , at most, 10% stayed together.
Expecting a cheater to be truthful in counseling seems unrealistic. We all feel old, neglected etc.at times but do not cheat. Just a lame excuse.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Arkansas said:


> The woman I loved and dedicated myself to was gone - it happens


Your story ought to be a sticky in this forum to show how off the rails people can go, how despicable they can become for a tingle in their crotch. I hope OP reads your story so he can see what he is up against.

Have to ask. Have you found someone else for yourself?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> We all feel old, neglected etc.at times but do not cheat. Just a lame excuse.


I feel old every day. Because I am. Lame indeed. Sadly for them, sooner than the cheater knows, they WILL be old, and no one will care when they are in the hospital drawing their last breath.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> The counselor I saw after discovery was pretty honest. He told me that a fair part of his practice was with couples where one partner cheated. He said , at most, 10% stayed together.
> Expecting a cheater to be truthful in counseling seems unrealistic. We all feel old, neglected etc.at times but do not cheat. Just a lame excuse.


comment can be rude. my thoughts bind me, 

r is a long topic.

I consider it as the pursuit of dreams of deceived people.

Thinking that their shortcomings are the reason for being deceived, they ignore many meaningless situations, convince themselves, etc.

Staying with a partner, who usually acts with a planned and willingness and continues to cheat with many decisions, creates the perception that they are with someone with a weak personality, making them think that cheating is a good decision.

partners should fight for each other, but fighting with each other is not right and healthy to stay in a relationship

It's hard to stay with someone who includes other people in the relationship. the shadow of the other will always rest on the bed.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You are being lied to. Your wife was having sex with her lover.

When he came to the house, did the others show up?

Or

Did your wife “call” them and say (wink wink) my husband is home and tonight is called off. Easily done to make you think they were on the way.

Call around and find a place for a polygraph. Set up an appointment but do not tell your wife. The day of the appointment take her out and show up there about 30 mins early. Tell what is going on and that you don’t believe anything she says any longer because of her affair, it was at the very least an emotional one. Tell her she needs to answer 4 questions so you can move forward. If she refuses, she is holding back what went on. If she passes then I am wrong about them having sex often. Or she will confess to everything before you go in, this has happened before. There have been a few times where they cheat the poly by meds that is why you never ask them to take one. They can prepare for the exam and lie their way through it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

We have had many examples of cheaters lying in MC, IC and on this forum. Cheaters lie, it is what they do. Very few tell the true in a very matter of fact way. Most of them are just ready to leave the relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is reminding me of a thread where a few of the female teachers were having sex with a coach from the school. I believe it was one on one and group.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Your story ought to be a sticky in this forum to show how off the rails people can go, how despicable they can become for a tingle in their crotch. I hope OP reads your story so he can see what he is up against.
> 
> Have to ask. Have you found someone else for yourself?


I have but I'm incapable of marrying, or fully trusting someone and committing. Maybe time will change that, but I'm honest with her, she knows I'm broken and she loves me as I am today. I have a lot more money. My core family unit is gone forever, and my inlaws whom I was closer to than my own family all but one is distant now. 


people here were brutally honest with me - they told me she'd blame me, she'd get greedy, she'd continue her lying/cheating/manipulating and guess what ?

she did

a person's minds spins if they can't understand what's going on .... mine spun for months until I conclude the woman I knew was gone, and that allowed me to move on


I hear rumors about the ex, she's fell out with almost everyone we knew. She retained no friends, she fell out with her sister and brothers and even her mom. Why? because she truly is a different person and they don't like her either. Her son won't talk to her at all, hasn't for 2 years. Can you imagine? Sacrificing her entire life for (what was then) a 20 year old? 

*@jalden67 *maybe your situation is vastly different. I know my ex dabbled towards affairs several times (looking back and knowing what i know now) and your wife? She either had an affair, or was trying to and she's likely done it before in some capacity. They don't just do it one day, its a progression. But one thing is for sure - you're not important enough to stop her from doing it, nor are the kids, family or anything else. She's becoming someone else - you're going to have to decide if you love this new person and all that she's doing or not IMO


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Arkansas said:


> I hear rumors about the ex, she's fell out with almost everyone we knew. She retained no friends, she fell out with her sister and brothers and even her mom. Why? because she truly is a different person and they don't like her either. Her son won't talk to her at all, hasn't for 2 years. Can you imagine? Sacrificing her entire life for (what was then) a 20 year old?


I read a tragic story with similar characteristics. A perfect wife turned completely around, acting totally irrational and self-centered, giving everything she had for OM, burning every bridge, etc. In that case the woman was later diagnosed with a treatable brain condition that had been the entire cause of the radical behavior change. As I recall, she flipped back to the loving wife but hubby couldn't accept it (they were already divorcing or divorced). She ended her life over the realization of what she had become and the damage she had done.

Tragic.

I don't want to read any more stories like that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How's it going, @jalden67?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I read a tragic story with similar characteristics. A perfect wife turned completely around, acting totally irrational and self-centered, giving everything she had for OM, burning every bridge, etc. In that case the woman was later diagnosed with a treatable brain condition that had been the entire cause of the radical behavior change. As I recall, she flipped back to the loving wife but hubby couldn't accept it (they were already divorcing or divorced). She ended her life over the realization of what she had become and the damage she had done.
> 
> Tragic.
> 
> I don't want to read any more stories like that.


Saw an episode of "Law and Order/ Special Victims Unit" where the woman, a highschool teacher or principal, began banging some young student. Brain tumor.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Arkansas said:


> I hear rumors about the ex, she's fell out with almost everyone we knew. She retained no friends, she fell out with her sister and brothers and even her mom. Why? because she truly is a different person and they don't like her either. Her son won't talk to her at all, hasn't for 2 years. Can you imagine? Sacrificing her entire life for (what was then) a 20 year old?


WWs are like Bob Williams the crack addicted NASA engineer... it's complete and utter abandonment. The dopamine high is so addictive it compares only to crack cocaine in its control of the victim. I mean, once they get out of The Fog the crash is monumental but, while on it, the way they act is completely irrational. Can't understand how family courts around the world side with these lunatics...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> Saw an episode of "Law and Order/ Special Victims Unit" where the woman, a highschool teacher or principal, began banging some young student. Brain tumor.


A brain tumor has its own needs.

Generally, the brain needs sugar to survive, and to be happy.

The tumor?

They often seek a sugar-daddy.
At minimum, a sweet swizzle stick to manipulate, to dote on, and to gyrate on.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BoSlander said:


> WWs are like Bob Williams the crack addicted NASA engineer... it's complete and utter abandonment. The dopamine high is so addictive it compares only to crack cocaine in its control of the victim. I mean, once they get out of The Fog the crash is monumental but, while on it, the way they act is completely irrational. Can't understand how family courts around the world side with these lunatics...


Not sure I agree that it is addictive. Rather, I think if you had access to complete information about their lives, including from before you knew them, youbwould see that they have, usually, left dishonest lives in all types of areas.
IMO, dishonesty and lack of empathy pervades their lives from early on. 
One just does not see it during courtship, as they are practiced, excellent liars. Not having a conscience makes lying much easier. Unlike normal people, they can look you right in the eye and lie without the usual telltale signs of lying.
I bet some can pass polygraphs. 
In my case, after the cheating was disclosed to others, with both my XWs, people who had held their tongues for fear of interfering came forward with their observations and past experiences with these two serial cheaters. This group included their immediate families and some of her old friends with whom I had become close. The stuff was shocking.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Led not left.


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## DosEquis (5 mo ago)

OP, if you are still checking on your thread, here is the story of another airline pilot's betrayal.

ETA: His cheating wife also tried to minimize, deflect, and gaslight....he too tried to handle it the way he would handle work problems and ended up in terrible pain and anguish. She too promised the world when it all came out....blah, blah, blah. It was hard to read.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

DosEquis said:


> OP, if you are still checking on your thread, here is the story of another airline pilot's betrayal.
> 
> ETA: His cheating wife also tried to minimize, deflect, and gaslight....he too tried to handle it the way he would handle work problems and ended up in terrible pain and anguish. She too promised the world when it all came out....blah, blah, blah. It was hard to read.


That's a powerful story..No doubt 👏


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

DosEquis said:


> OP, if you are still checking on your thread, here is the story of another airline pilot's betrayal.
> 
> ETA: His cheating wife also tried to minimize, deflect, and gaslight....he too tried to handle it the way he would handle work problems and ended up in terrible pain and anguish. She too promised the world when it all came out....blah, blah, blah. It was hard to read.


Wow! Excellent example DosEquis.

The man builds them a huge house from scratch, all she has to do is work part time, they go on vacation, have kids, plenty of cuddle time and sex, money in the bank… and she STILL!! Cheats on him.

And, of course, once found out, loads of trickle truthing, minimizing, obfuscating, et cetera.

What a sh-tshow. All because she wanted some attention and to feel attractive again. Bullsh-t. She just wanted some dïck and wanted to find out if she was still able to elicit a response from other males from the “dïck-on-demand” body language.

If there’s one thing Western females will fight tooth and nail for is being able to use sexual energy to their advantage.

And, to tie this back to the OP’s comment, the really important part of the story DosEquis linked in the compartmentalization of her feelings. I find it extremely hard to believe she got there from a mere cheating episode. The cheaters that are able to compartmentalize their adulterous behavior tend to be serial cheaters with a lot to lose. These are people that REALLY do not want their SO to find out of their cheating, so they develop a second life, a second husband.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

DosEquis said:


> OP, if you are still checking on your thread, here is the story of another airline pilot's betrayal.
> 
> ETA: His cheating wife also tried to minimize, deflect, and gaslight....he too tried to handle it the way he would handle work problems and ended up in terrible pain and anguish. She too promised the world when it all came out....blah, blah, blah. It was hard to read.


The link nor the whole Loveshack site will open for me.

E.T.A. Solved. It was my VPN


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