# What does the cheating spouse think once they've left their spouse for the OW/OM???



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I have a thread in the Private Member section but I wanted advice and opinions from posters in CWI section.

I have been wondering what or how your spouse feels/thinks/acts once they have left you for someone else.

For example, my STBXH of 31 years has left me for another woman. 

Are they thrilled that you are finally gone and they don't have to hide or cover their tracks anymore?

Do they feel relieved?

Is the thrill of sneaking around gone?

Do they ever look at the OW and think to themselves that she was a part of ending my marriage?

Do they resent the OW?

I suppose mine is relieved that 5 years of deception is over.

Is there anymore who has left their spouse who can tell me what or how you felt?

I know the emotions and reactions are different with each person but I'd like to hear what everyone thinks.

Thank you. Very Hurt


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I can't answer your questions but I can lend support I am a BS as well and married for a long time too with my ws's affair as well. My WS didn't leave but it took some time.

I know you just can't understand how he could leave such a long bond you two had without any regret or remorse. I hope some WS give you some insight and some reality of what the thinking and feeling might actually be, all we can wonder.
Affairs are fantasy and they don't share the history of our lives and your husband isn't a young man so he will have all his adult memories of your life not his with her…….
He is a fool, I think the best thing for you is to try to be the best version of you you can be………make him regret the choice he made……

Affairs have a very low success rate and his is no different.
Trying to make sense out of a waywards thinking will drive you insane. Obviously he is caught up in the affair addiction he probably doesn't even give anything else a thought right now…..that will come in time as the self reflection takes place, he will now also have to see the real woman not just the fantasy woman he had in the affair.
31 years is a long time ……..he didn't stay there that long if there wasn't something strong there…….
Like I say he is the fool and for you to hurt for that and his choices is wrong don't let him do that to you, step up for yourself get out there and make a happy life happen for you, look good at all times…………….let him see the difference in what is the real woman and the adulterous one he is now stuck with ……..
what ever happened happened stop hurting stop beating yourself up……..there is no making sense of adultery…….it is just disrespectful and a choice he made he will have to live with who he is………………….not you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Neither my ex nor I cheated, so there was no infidelity involved. Still, because of problems in the marriage (largely sexless) I left.

After I left, it wasn't long before I met someone else, who is my ideal match.

Anyway, I was incredibly relieved when I moved out. My stress level dropped, and I had a whole new positive outlook on life and the future. I had freedom to pursue my own happiness, rather than being constrained by the unloving behaviors of my ex.

Then when my new relationship began, I rediscovered the joy of a good relationship, which has continued to this day. My ex wasn't a bad person - just bad for me. Since we had a child together, there was a lot of communication for several more years. I wanted her to be happy, too - and said little to her about my own situation in case it could cause her to feel bad.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My ex left our family abruptly to live with a loser she was having a 3 month long betrayal with. He was wealthy and she believed she was going to live a fairy tale life full of travel, fancy cars, 5-star resorts....

Her new life lasted 3 weeks. She came back and I took her in. Over the next month or so she wrote her ex lover many letters. I don't know how many she actually sent but I found several crumpled up in the back of the fireplace. She wrote about the high she felt being seduced while married and how it all made her feel like a teenager again.... she was addicted to the clandestine rendezvous...

The only thing she felt bad about was lying to me day in and day out. She was a remakably honest woman and to live a lie hurting her. She also found out that when one destroys a marriage and family there is an accounting at some point in time.

Maybe that gives some insight.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP I was in a long term marriage when it went south. My xWW couldn't wait to be divorced so she could finally be with sugar daddy. Long story short, sugar daddy decided to stay with his wife. Fantasy crashed and she eventually woke up but it was to little way the heck to late and I had zero interest in repeating that mistake again. 

I don't know if this helped or not but I hope you find peace. 

Best
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I have a thread in the Private Member section but I wanted advice and opinions from posters in CWI section.
> 
> I have been wondering what or how your spouse feels/thinks/acts once they have left you for someone else.
> 
> ...


Relieved is one of the great feelings. It's not that you hated your spouse that you betrayed, but you got tired of lying and having to cover your tracks.

Also the affair triggers strong emotions, part of it is because it's being done in secret. In any case you feel that you come to have loved the affair partner MORE and your partner you betrayed less.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

workindad said:


> OP I was in a long term marriage when it went south. My xWW couldn't wait to be divorced so she could finally be with sugar daddy. Long story short, sugar daddy decided to stay with his wife. Fantasy crashed and she eventually woke up but it was to little way the heck to late and I had zero interest in repeating that mistake again.
> 
> I don't know if this helped or not but I hope you find peace.
> 
> ...


This is the best way you learn.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Relieved is one of the great feelings. It's not that you hated your spouse that you betrayed, but you got tired of lying and having to cover your tracks.
> 
> Also the affair triggers strong emotions, part of it is because it's being done in secret. In any case you feel that you come to have loved the affair partner MORE and your partner you betrayed less.


Treyvion ~

Ouch! That last sentence hurt but the truth does hurt. I suppose the feelings for the affair partner is greater than the feelings for me because he DID leave me for her.

VH


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Treyvion ~
> 
> Ouch! That last sentence hurt but the truth does hurt. I suppose the feelings for the affair partner is greater than the feelings for me because he DID leave me for her.
> 
> VH


The "feelings" were the intense lust and connection.. While they are spending time with the other one, they are building up their connection with them, and the connection weakens with the spouse.

It doesn't mean the OM/OW is "better", its just how connectivity works.

If a WAS knew that the "feelings" where lust, greed and "power" they might have an easier time breaking it off.

By the way it is HARD to break it off. It physically hurts like being broken up with with someone who you loved.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

treyvion said:


> The "feelings" were the intense lust and connection.. While they are spending time with the other one, they are building up their connection with them, and the connection weakens with the spouse.
> 
> It doesn't mean the OM/OW is "better", its just how connectivity works.
> 
> ...


Hi Treyvion ~

Do you mean that it is harder to break off from the affair partner than it is from the spouse?

VH


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Hi Treyvion ~
> 
> Do you mean that it is harder to break off from the affair partner than it is from the spouse?
> 
> VH


It hurts either way. The thing about the affair partner is it's new, and you have to take the shame of having made a mistake.

Your affair chemicals mess with you, and tell you that your cheating because your feelings were getting weak for your ex.

But to leave the AP will hurt like hell unless in which they betray you badly, in that case you are just embarrassed.

95% of relationships formed by cheating fail and fail badly, so if you knew this going in, you would have never started it.

Affairs suck. No "real" man is going to be happy leaving his stable family for another woman, it's really going to bother him. He will feel like he's living a lie.

The lesson is for a man or woman cheating unless they were seriously neglected or abused for a long time is that it was a huge mistake, a "boo boo" and you are going to hurt. If you break it off, it will hurt for a bit, but you can get over it.

If you lie and stay with the AP, you will mess up your life for years to come, it's a bad lie and very hurtful to people who cared about you... Unless you really don't have a conscience.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

VH - You're right about every WS being different. I suspect, though, that you're trying to gain insight into YOUR WS's thinking. And this will just add to your pain.

The more you stay focused on trying to understand him, the more you're focused on him and your connection to him. That perpetuates rumination. Which is not a good thing. Of course, it's normal under the circumstances. But you don't want to feed that beast.

If you were going to reconcile with him, it would make sense to try to gain some understanding of what's been going on inside his head. But he has been cheating on you for years and now he's holding back information and hiding assets from you as he makes the divorce drag on. All of these are pretty disturbing signs - possibly even signs of a character, or what's also known as a personality disorder. You're too nice to EVER be able to comprehend the workings of a mind like that. If you try, you are doomed to fail. You can try to get inside the head of someone like that, but there is no way a kind, generous, honest person can do it! You are really wasting your time to even try. You will just spin your wheels and get more and more frustrated.

I'm trying to say that this is not a helpful exercise. There are all sorts of different reactions, depending on the individual cheating spouse, so nobody can tell you what your spouse is thinking and feeling. And if he told you, a good portion of it would probably be lies anyway - look at his track record.

A wonderful Canadian general wrote a book about his time in Rwanda, Shake Hands With The Devil. He was there with a small group of soldiers under the UN flag, but he was woefully undermanned. He developed PTSD as a result of witnessing the horrors of the genocide there that he was powerless to stop. As he was working on his book, he had a research assistant who delved into all things Rwanda for about 2 years. She was deeply affected by it; unfortunately, she committed suicide before the book was completed.

There are some things so awful that you simply can't comprehend how people who do these things think, and maybe it's best to leave it to other people to study them. It will just hurt too much for you to try to go into that dark place. Stay in the light as much as you can. It's where you belong. Do things to distract yourself when you start to ruminate. Find healthy alternative thoughts - if you pray, do that. If you like music, turn on upbeat songs. Watch funny TV shows. Call friends. If you have a pet, play with your pet. Having thoughts about him is normal, but encouraging yourself to stay focused there isn't good. Take care of yourself, and honor the good person that you are. Involving yourself in thoughts of what might go on in his head isn't a nice place for you to go.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

treyvion said:


> It hurts either way. The thing about the affair partner is it's new, and you have to take the shame of having made a mistake.
> 
> Your affair chemicals mess with you, and tell you that your cheating because your feelings were getting weak for your ex.
> 
> ...


Treyvion ~

I read once where your spouse and their affair partner form a bond in which they both know (either conciously or sub-conciously) they are doing the wrong thing. I asked my IC why my stbxh always defending her or protected her honor. He would not even listen or even consider that she was not a nice person. 

My IC said that they align themselves with each other and their deception so if you are critical of the affair partner, you are critical of your spouse.

VH


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

treyvion said:


> 95% of relationships formed by cheating fail and fail badly, so if you knew this going in, you would have never started it.


That's true. But you have to remember, in marriages were one spouse leaves the other for the affair partner have failed 100% of the time. Think about what that tell you.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

treyvion said:


> 95% of relationships formed by cheating fail and fail badly, so if you knew this going in, you would have never started it.


Crazy but my Ex affair must have been that 5%.. She started the affair June/July 2012. They moved in together March/April 2013.. They are still together today..

Granted she still doesn't speak to our oldest and the rest of her family. 

Personally I think its one of those things, *"I can't break up with guy financially or emotionally right now. I would look like a fool.."* 

Well at least that is what I want to believe.. 

Not getting the closure you want is never good. You just need to accept it regardless and just keep moving on.. Again not easy, but there isn't much more you can do. 

Regardless if they wake up every day thinking what an a$$hole I was or saying thank god I found this person.. If they are that adamant or headstrong about what they did and think it was right, you will never get an answer or the answer you want. 

My wife made the poorest of excuses why she was leaving. 

It does suck not having the closure or being told I'm sorry I fvcked up, you were a good person and I was just an a$$hole that didn't see it until I left. 

My Ex left me for a loser who sole purpose in life was *BARELY* caring for himself. He has sh1tty job and no financial future. His pension is a social security check. My Ex has nothing either and I will make sure she has less than that if I have my way.

Trust me I know, you wonder WTF happen. What did YOU DO ? 

I have the solace that I told my wife I loved her everyday.. I know I did. I didn't imagine it. I didn't rewrite history.. We made love several times a week. We were financially okay.. Not rich not poor. I know we were 1000 times better off than she is now.. I don't drink, I don't smoke.. I never cheated or abused her. 

You just don't get the answers you want and it sucks.. You move on without any fvcking closure at all. You just suck it up and move on. There just isn't anything you can do. 

2 years a therapy and the answers is as was already said. Be the best YOU can be.. 

What if this new girl cheats on me doc ? Bob, be the best man you can be, that is all YOU CAN DO.. If she cheats on you, you will survive, like you did this one.. All you can do is be the best you and hope others will to..

Thats it.. In the end all the panic, fear, being scared, feeling like you have been scorched to death all ends up with that.. 

Be the best you that you can be.. I hate that line myself but in the end its the retarded truth..


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> That's true. But you have to remember, in marriages were one spouse leaves the other for the affair partner have failed 100% of the time. Think about what that tell you.


Well my mom and dad did it, and been married 30+ years. My step dad's wife was violent having pulled a knife on him and then he knew it was time to leave.

My mom's husband at the time was also violent, having thrown her down a flight of steel edged stairs among other bad actions from having gone down in a alcohol and drama infused death spiral.

THEY worked out. Most will not. It's a mistake.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I have a thread in the Private Member section but I wanted advice and opinions from posters in CWI section.
> 
> I have been wondering what or how your spouse feels/thinks/acts once they have left you for someone else.
> 
> ...


I bet they feel buyers remorse but would never admit it

and a feeling of an anti-climatic nature

or "Not at all what I was expecting now that the rainbows and unicorns are so hard to see in the light of day"

55


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Why do you ask these questions?
And what would the answers change in your future?

What if they felt some buyers remorse and nostalgia for the good past times in marriage? Is that a big deal? But then they buried it with rationalizations. Or they felt relief. Now what? Shall you copy them feel relived too because they do? Or hate them for that?

You have no power over other people feelings and thoughts. 

Judge people by their actions. 
Or even better stop judging and start living.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

On a second thought. Different idea. If those questions are so important. So just close you eyes for 5 sec and pick an answer.
My bet is you will extremely close.

Any woman would be a world champion in "reading feelings" for man competition. On top of that you've known the guy for years.

You can also pick the answer with the maximum emotional benefit.
e.g. He's a total heartless a-hole sociopath who feels free of the pesky spouse(you). 

Even if it's wrong. So? I assume your purpose in life is not to research unfaithful spouses post divorce feelings. Right? You don't want to see such people again?

They should not be allowed to control you anymore.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

VH- you really need to focus this energy elsewhere in your life. You are wasting your time and only hurting yourself by continuing to focus on him and his AP. Its been going on for FIVE YEARS. Havent you wasted enough of your time and emotion on this loser?? He is with her because she is equally as fvcked up as he is, thats all you need to know, and move forward.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Treyvion ~
> 
> I read once where your spouse and their affair partner form a bond in which they both know (either conciously or sub-conciously) they are doing the wrong thing. I asked my IC why my stbxh always defending her or protected her honor. He would not even listen or even consider that she was not a nice person.
> 
> ...


It's both, conscious and subconscious. Alot of it is just the power of the human mind...

With our modern intelligence and understanding of the situation, it would be wise for people to break it off to take their licks and come back home, but most people will not...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

treyvion said:


> It's both, conscious and subconscious. Alot of it is just the power of the human mind...
> 
> With our modern intelligence and understanding of the situation, it would be wise for people to break it off to take their licks and come back home, but most people will not...


Most of us wouldnt take them back home anyway...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> VH- you really need to focus this energy elsewhere in your life. You are wasting your time and only hurting yourself by continuing to focus on him and his AP. Its been going on for FIVE YEARS. Havent you wasted enough of your time and emotion on this loser?? He is with her because she is equally as fvcked up as he is, thats all you need to know, and move forward.


The very best thing you can do at this point is realize that you have wasted 5 years of your life. Focusing a large percentage of your time and attention on someone who did not care about you. A large proportion of your mission and priorities included this person...

Take the person out and live your life, make up 5 years where you make most of your own decisions based on what's best for you.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Zanne said:


> VH, I agree with some of the posters who said that it shouldn't matter what your WS thinks. I'm sure you have heard the advice that we are each responsible for our own happiness. However, if it helps you to heal and move on, I will respond.
> 
> I am in the process of divorcing my husband after 25 years of marriage. Our marriage has been in crisis for some time, but I had an affair which was, figuratively speaking, the last nail in the coffin.
> 
> ...


Zanne ~
What a beautiful and honest post. 
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
VH


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Zanne said:


> I feel relieved when my husband doesn't make this process difficult. I would rather split amicably. I understand he is extremely hurt by the way things turned out.* If I could go back and change things, I would have divorced him first.*
> 
> I try to keep the affair separate from other issues we had. *He tends to focus on my betrayal.
> *
> ...



Betrayal is important.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> VH- you really need to focus this energy elsewhere in your life. You are wasting your time and only hurting yourself by continuing to focus on him and his AP. Its been going on for FIVE YEARS. Havent you wasted enough of your time and emotion on this loser?? He is with her because she is equally as fvcked up as he is, thats all you need to know, and move forward.


3X~ 
Believe me, I do not want to dwell on this. I don't want to feel any more pain. I will talk to my Psychiatrist on what I can do to stop this obsession. 
VH


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> 3X~
> Believe me, I do not want to dwell on this. I don't want to feel any more pain. I will talk to my Psychiatrist on what I can do to stop this obsession.
> VH


What you can do on your own outside the psyciatrist is set some new goals for you and hopefully you can obsess on some of them.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> VH- you really need to focus this energy elsewhere in your life. You are wasting your time and only hurting yourself by continuing to focus on him and his AP. Its been going on for FIVE YEARS. Havent you wasted enough of your time and emotion on this loser?? He is with her because she is equally as fvcked up as he is, thats all you need to know, and move forward.


:iagree::iagree:

Honestly who knows what he is thinking, you will never know the answer to this bc it is highly doubtful a man like your STBXH will ever be truthful with you. 

VH, you are paralyzed by thoughts of your STBXH and OW. Trust me I understand but this is not helping you. Every time you think of them, I want you to tell yourself to stop and think of a nice memory involving anyone other than your STBXH. It could be a memory of your childhood, I do not know but this helped me. I did this and I picked one or two people, who I had made good memories with and would think of them every time a thought came into my head with STBXH and/or his OW. It worked for me.

Also have a contest with yourself about how long you can go without thinking about STBHX and/or OW. Start off with 5 minutes, if you can do this reward yourself and then keep upping the time.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> 3X~
> Believe me, I do not want to dwell on this. I don't want to feel any more pain. I will talk to my Psychiatrist on what I can do to stop this obsession.
> VH


Of course you do not want to feel more pain, but thinking about your STBHX, his OW and what they are doing/thinking only causes you more pain. This is a cycle that you need to get out of. Has either your therapist or psychiatrist started dealing with you moving forward rather than looking back at everything that has happened which is out of your control??


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

mg2977 said:


> Of course you do not want to feel more pain, but thinking about your STBHX, his OW and what they are doing/thinking only causes you more pain. This is a cycle that you need to get out of. Has either your therapist or psychiatrist started dealing with you moving forward rather than looking back at everything that has happened which is out of your control??


".....Looking forward, not looking back...."


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> 3X~
> Believe me, I do not want to dwell on this. I don't want to feel any more pain. I will talk to my Psychiatrist on what I can do to stop this obsession.
> VH



VH, 

I have an aunt who divorced her 40 years ago. She has been pining away for my uncle for 40 years! She never dated, she gained 200+ pounds, lives alone.......... She never recovered. 

My uncle, IMO, a loser. He did remarry but he's a complete selfish jerk who never sees his adult children or grandchildren. But even if he was the greatest guy in the world, why waste her/your life. 

Grieving is absolutely normal and expected but don't make it a lifestyle for the rest of your life. 

If he came back, would you take him? Is he a great prize to be won? Like others have said, you should cherish the good memories and make some new good memories with the life you have now. No one's future is in their own hands. Life just doesn't work that way. 

One of my friends recently found out her husband has been cheating on her for their entire 20 year marriage with the same woman. My friend has no good REAL memories of her marriage. How sad is that. A$$hats, simple as that. 

Let HER have him for a while, I'm guessing he's not really that great.


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