# My wife has nothing left...



## ReadyToChange (Nov 6, 2011)

Hi.

After almost 3 years of marriage (8 years together) my wife and I decided to separate because it felt like our marriage was broken. 2 weeks prior to our separation I was unfaithful. I went to get a massage and the therapist began doing inappropriate things to me which I allowed to happen for a few minutes but then stopped it because I felt terrible and uncomfortable with the situation. I was consumed with guilt and told my wife what had happened the very next day. She was understandably upset and hurt. We talked it out and it appeared she had forgiven me. A little more background is that I suffer from depression and have so for many years. It has only been in the past year that I realized what I was suffering from and started to seek help. I've been seeing a therapist for almost a year now. Before my infidelity we had already scheduled a session with a couples' therapist and and during the second of our sessions my wife suggested that we separate. I agreed because I thought it would help both of us take a step back and look at our lives and how to move forward. 

During our separation we did see each other a few times and were intimate. The intimacy added to the confusion and pain both of us were experiencing. I suggested that we not see each other for 2 months. During this time we began talking divorce and what that might look like. We were civil in our email only communication and although it was difficult we were getting closer divorce. About a month ago I asked to see her and when we met I told her that I wanted to repair our marriage and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to show her that things can be better. We were both very emotional and she tells me that she doesn't want to go back to the way things were. I tell her that I don't either and that I know that I can do better. She tells me that she doesn't think she can rebuild the trust to continue our marriage. I've written several emails trying to explain how I feel, asking her to consider trying to save our marriage. She has started to distance herself more and more from me now that I want to work on things. I dropped a present off at her house for her birthday and she didn't acknowledge the gift or letter that I wrote. She tells me that the only way for me to show her that I've changed and that I love her is to divorce her and that we do it in a fair way. I text, call and email her and she responds days later and sometimes not at all. 

I was trying to figure out what had changed in her. How she could turn so cold and distant. I can hear it in her voice that something has changed. I'm so hurt that she doesn't want to even talk, let alone try and work on our marriage. She seems so sure that it won't work between us but I ask her how can she know that if we don't try, if I don't have an opportunity to show her. I asked her a few weeks ago if she is seeing somebody and she said, 'kind of'. It was devastating to hear. I couldn't understand how she could open herself emotionally to another person. This person is a doctor that she used to work with at a job she just left. It makes me so sad that I could be losing her. I just want one chance to turn things around. I know that it will take a lot of work and communication. Communication is something that our marriage lacked and now she won't even talk to me. I've asked her to come talk to the pastor that married us since he knows our history and is a marriage specialist. She has been refusing but in our last conversation, she said that she will think about it. I'm so afraid that she is getting more involved with this other guy which is in 'fun' stage of a relationship and when she thinks of me it conjures pain and bad feelings for her. My wife has turned very cold and won't open her heart to me. How can she be so sure that we need to divorce without having tried to repair our marriage. 

I've been praying and talking to family and friends who have been very supportive. I'm feeling so desperate and alone. I miss my wife.

Anyone experience anything similar?

Any ideas for what I can do to try and break through the wall that my wife has put up?

Thank you.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

i feel the same way about my husband. i dont trust him at all and i feel so strange around him now. He wants me to apologize to him for kicking him out and i think he should apologize for lying so much to the point i feel hes being unfaithful. at the same time i do want to work it out because we have a family. 

And in my heart i want my family to stay together and work it out. 

im afriad of how i may look, and that im making the wrong choice but this is where we are. I also advised him to speak to the priest that married us but he doesnt bother calling. he says he went there on their appointed date and the priest had an issue so he tried and it didnt work out. 

huge crossroads. Follow the 180. Im doing it in very small amounts but i doing it. and every day that passes i try to be kinder. hold my tongue.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My guess is she's started healing herself, and is moving on. She doesn't want to let you and your actions hurt her any more.

My advice to you is to let her know that you're interested in trying to fix things, and then giving her the distance she wants. Show her that you're making positive changes for yourself, not in an effort to get her back. Continuing to pressure her will continue to have negative effects.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. But people will naturally try to protect themselves from getting hurt, and separating herself from you is her way of doing that. I'm not saying that she's blameless, but she's not the one posting here.

Btw, what kind df masseuse do you go to that she (presumably a she) tried to do inappropriate things? Sorry, but I'm not really buying that story. They're professional service provider, like a hairdresser. Unless, of course, you went digging through the classifieds for a happy ending masseuse...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReadyToChange (Nov 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> My guess is she's started healing herself, and is moving on. She doesn't want to let you and your actions hurt her any more.
> 
> My advice to you is to let her know that you're interested in trying to fix things, and then giving her the distance she wants. Show her that you're making positive changes for yourself, not in an effort to get her back. Continuing to pressure her will continue to have negative effects.
> 
> ...


I wasn't looking for a happy ending but I could have been more aware of the surroundings that in hindsight were suggestive of some shady activity. It was stupid and irresponsible of me. 

Thank you for the insight. I agree that she is healing herself and feels like she must protect herself. I am doing the same for myself. I'm working on my depression and rebuilding other relationships with family and friends that have suffered. Our marriage was difficult at times because we had trouble communicating openly since we're both the kind of people that avoid conflict. But we also had so much fun together and I really miss that. I've told her that I do want to save our marriage but she is taking that stance that she cannot trust me. I know I did something very wrong but I just can't understand why her trust is so shaken and irreparable. And how she can be so sure of it if I don't have a chance to show her differently. My says that she is reclaiming her life, but I don't get that. I never stopped her from doing or going after the things she wanted or enjoyed. It's like she has blocked me from her mind, from her thoughts. She says that she will always love me. If that's true why won't she give our marriage a chance to heal? If you love someone wouldn't you be willing to give them a chance, especially after the vows taken in a marriage. I'm sure that you'll say that I broke those vows and you're right but I think as her husband I would be forgiven and given that chance.

I think you're right about making the changes for myself even though it's hard to not think about my wife. I'm continuing to work with a therapist and being more physically active and rebuilding my life. I just wish we could meet on occasion to talk. She still sounds very standoffish when we talk on the phone. I guess it might be that she is angry, or still feels hurt or just doesn't want to show me any emotion/compassion.


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