# So here is where I am at...is this pretty normal?



## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Filed for divorce this summer, my STBX moved out around Labor Day and we've lived apart since. We have two kids together and I keep communication to a minimum and try to keep it focused on just the kids. Ex was having an affair and wanted to leave for the other guy. I filed just because she tends to drag out decisions and I didn't want to wait for her. Plus, I wanted to fill out the paperwork so there were no surprises, etc.

Long story short, once my ex first moved out, I definitely felt sad. Sad about the future not working out as I had imagined, sad for the kids. Fast forward a few months later and I don't really feel that way anymore. The relationship was toxic (she had cheated before, is very self absorbed, I didn't stand up for myself enough) and it needed to end. The kids still have their struggles and I'm not sure how things will play out once she introduces this guy into the mix at some point, but I think the relationship ending was really for the best.

I guess the thing I am seeking advice for, though, is that on the one hand I am really past (at least I think I am) mourning the relationship. My ex obviously didn't respect me, I don't think I respected myself enough either, and it's better to move on. That being said, on the other hand, I still can't but help feel rejected on a human level. I guess this is the classic "I don't want this person, but I'm annoyed they don't want me" scenario. Have other people dealt with this while going through a divorce or break up of a long term relationship? I've gone through break ups before, but I just never saw the people again and they didn't end due to cheating, but just because the relationship had run its course so parts of this are new to me.


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## Vaughan (Aug 18, 2021)

Sorry this happened to you.

I "celebrated" my 25th anniversary earlier this year, and am now dealing with the same thing as you. My stbxw is about as toxic as it can get and there is zero doubt I will be better off without her. That being said, the "why?" question will never go away. Why didn't she love me? I know she just loved what I provided. Like yours, mine was a serial cheater. I believe a quality lady is going to get a really good guy someday.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sometimes it's best not to ask yourself too many questions about the why's and what if's. 
You have been able to quickly move on it seems(it took me 4 years to get to where you are but the circumstances were different), so be thankful for that and be the best dad you can.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> The relationship was toxic (she had cheated before, is very self absorbed, I didn't stand up for myself enough)


Sometimes things just plain shouldn't work out. She'll most likely always be a self absorbed cheater. You can become a better version of yourself to the point you look back and wonder wtf you were thinking .


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

My wife and I started the divorce process early August and while I dont neccesarily miss her anymore, I definatley miss the time when we were dating and doing so good, and the “what could have been future”…..I got over her pretty quickly and we still see each other maybe once or twice a week due to having a child together and I feel no attraction to her anymore. Definately miss who she used to be and how easily I could talk to her (i am a very shy person) lol there was no cheating going on but was very toxic so cant really relate to your story. My difference is what could I have done better or differently so this didnt happen? Was it more me or more of her problems? She has a new man already and its been a hard thing to process through but im plugging along. You seem like a great dude who is going to be just fine, screw that woman for being a cheating scumbag


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Filed for divorce this summer, my STBX moved out around Labor Day and we've lived apart since. We have two kids together and I keep communication to a minimum and try to keep it focused on just the kids. Ex was having an affair and wanted to leave for the other guy. I filed just because she tends to drag out decisions and I didn't want to wait for her. Plus, I wanted to fill out the paperwork so there were no surprises, etc.
> 
> Long story short, once my ex first moved out, I definitely felt sad. Sad about the future not working out as I had imagined, sad for the kids. Fast forward a few months later and I don't really feel that way anymore. The relationship was toxic (she had cheated before, is very self absorbed, I didn't stand up for myself enough) and it needed to end. The kids still have their struggles and I'm not sure how things will play out once she introduces this guy into the mix at some point, but I think the relationship ending was really for the best.
> 
> I guess the thing I am seeking advice for, though, is that on the one hand I am really past (at least I think I am) mourning the relationship. My ex obviously didn't respect me, I don't think I respected myself enough either, and it's better to move on. That being said, on the other hand, I still can't but help feel rejected on a human level. I guess this is the classic "I don't want this person, but I'm annoyed they don't want me" scenario. Have other people dealt with this while going through a divorce or break up of a long term relationship? I've gone through break ups before, but I just never saw the people again and they didn't end due to cheating, but just because the relationship had run its course so parts of this are new to me.


She doesn't want you now. She has a shiny new toy. Give it time for the fantasy she is living to transition into the reality of a relationship. Also, when your ex realizes you are moving on and NOT in the depths of misery she will attempt to sabotage your progress. She will want you back quick enough if she learns you are happier and thriving without her. 

Press hard and fast for the divorce. While she is distracted by her affair partner you may be able to get very favorable terms in the divorce.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

MattOly94 said:


> miss who she used to be


You miss who you thought she was.

A good couple of books to read are The Rational Male, books 1 and 2. Those will help piece together why some things don't work when they "should" and why other things that "shouldn't" matter, really do.

If you want more understanding as to why she can move so fast, look up the article War Brides by Rollo Tomassi.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> That being said, on the other hand, I still can't but help feel rejected on a human level. I guess this is the classic "I don't want this person, but I'm annoyed they don't want me" scenario


Just wanted to make a comment on this quote.
You feel rejected on a human level -- by WHAT exactly? She is a cheater, so being rejected by an immoral, weak, awful person -- what exactly does that mean? In my view, you were "rejected" because you are FAR above her and deep down she knows this.
So, being rejected by a cheater -- is it REALLY so bad?


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Thanks for all the feedback. I posted this and then was off the site for several days due to Thanksgiving. Reading through the replies was very helpful. A lot of your responses really resonated and were good to read.


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## crushed2x (Nov 14, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Just wanted to make a comment on this quote.
> You feel rejected on a human level -- by WHAT exactly? She is a cheater, so being rejected by an immoral, weak, awful person -- what exactly does that mean? In my view, you were "rejected" because you are FAR above her and deep down she knows this.
> So, being rejected by a cheater -- is it REALLY so bad?


Good advice but I have to agree with the OP. There is something to just being left. Tossed out like something of no value. It eats you alive and it is hard to jut "not let it". We all want to feel like we matter, and when the person you loved, trusted and "mattered to" the most suddenly, without explanation or warning casts you aside for something else...well good luck to anyone for not feeling the "human level" rejection, for a long time imo. I am currently feeling it more than when my first wife cheated...this time my best friend in the world cheated and abruptly left. It is a hollow lifeless place to be but it will get better. It can't get much harder..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Just wanted to make a comment on this quote.
> You feel rejected on a human level -- by WHAT exactly? She is a cheater, so being rejected by an immoral, weak, awful person -- what exactly does that mean? In my view, you were "rejected" because you are FAR above her and deep down she knows this.
> So, being rejected by a cheater -- is it REALLY so bad?


Sounds good and your words should ring true.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, applies here.

.............................................

To be rejected by one's better is hurtful, but is to be expected.
To be rejected by one's lesser is worse, it places you, psychologically, under them.

Not in fact, but the feeling colors you blue, and your clocked irrational noggin rings it true.

This treatment gives one that sad feeling of being wrung through that gnarly clothes roller.

You then see yourself through that cracked prism.

Wrongly felt, matters not, when the pain is felt, bloody real. 



_King Brian-_


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Filed for divorce this summer, my STBX moved out around Labor Day and we've lived apart since. We have two kids together and I keep communication to a minimum and try to keep it focused on just the kids. Ex was having an affair and wanted to leave for the other guy. I filed just because she tends to drag out decisions and I didn't want to wait for her. Plus, I wanted to fill out the paperwork so there were no surprises, etc.
> 
> Long story short, once my ex first moved out, I definitely felt sad. Sad about the future not working out as I had imagined, sad for the kids. Fast forward a few months later and I don't really feel that way anymore. The relationship was toxic (she had cheated before, is very self absorbed, I didn't stand up for myself enough) and it needed to end. The kids still have their struggles and I'm not sure how things will play out once she introduces this guy into the mix at some point, but I think the relationship ending was really for the best.
> 
> I guess the thing I am seeking advice for, though, is that on the one hand I am really past (at least I think I am) mourning the relationship. My ex obviously didn't respect me, I don't think I respected myself enough either, and it's better to move on. That being said, on the other hand, I still can't but help feel rejected on a human level. I guess this is the classic "I don't want this person, but I'm annoyed they don't want me" scenario. Have other people dealt with this while going through a divorce or break up of a long term relationship? I've gone through break ups before, but I just never saw the people again and they didn't end due to cheating, but just because the relationship had run its course so parts of this are new to me.


Yes, what you're going through is perfectly within the range of what people go through. You were more invested in this marriage than previous relationships. That's why you are taking this one harder. 
Just make yourself a schedule and through some time to become fit. Becoming fit will up your testosterone, which will help even out your mood swings. You can also take time for general socializing with nice people.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dump a cheater gain a life. You didn’t lose much. Serial cheaters never stop.
Your new best friend is no contact. Just because you have kids you can keep contact to a minimum. The kids will adjust.

Communicate by text or email. Only kid or Divorce relayed items. Keep it to a minimum.
Pick ups/drop offs should be 2-3 minutes. You don’t need to chat. No contact is totally up to you.
Don’t lie to your kids about why you’re divorcing. They aren’t stupid. Tell them the truth in a sanitized way. Your mom has a boyfriend so we can’t be married anymore. Keeping them in the dark just causes anxiety.

I Suspect like most she will come around with the “let’s be friends” thing. Definition of friend = loyal, honest, trustworthy. The friends game is for her not you. You may even get “do it for the kids”. She wasn’t thinking about the kids at all. You need to move on.

Stay out of hopium. Some will say they always come back. That is a myth. However, what would you get back? The capability is there to go through this again if they did. Repeated infidelity happens.

I know 3 who run a tight no contact and they say it’s the best thing they’ve done. Read up on “grey rocking”.

Another article that may be of use is “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download and short.

Good luck. Keep posting for more info if you need it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

crushed2x said:


> Good advice but I have to agree with the OP. There is something to just being left. Tossed out like something of no value. It eats you alive and it is hard to jut "not let it". We all want to feel like we matter, and when the person you loved, trusted and "mattered to" the most suddenly, without explanation or warning casts you aside for something else...well good luck to anyone for not feeling the "human level" rejection, for a long time imo. I am currently feeling it more than when my first wife cheated...this time my best friend in the world cheated and abruptly left. It is a hollow lifeless place to be but it will get better. It can't get much harder..


Oh, I COMPLETELY understand the feeling and was not trying to negate that at ALL! I was just trying to let the OP know that in REALITY, once his emotions have calmed down a bit, I hope that he will really see that she is NOT worth the self-doubt and feelings of rejection.
SAME with YOU. Over time, I think (hope??!) that you both will see that they are not worth it. Don't let the actions of a low-morals person affect YOUR self-worth.
Judgement by a person of awful judgement -- is is REALLY a bad thing?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Married besties, go from friends to enemies in an instant, when that pledged, exclusive, S_cent of a Woman_ finds itself, wafting about some other man.

She is no longer his soul mate, he must now re-meet his soiled mate.
Thereafter, he will no longer hunger, now, this spoiled mate.

Letting her go is not the answer.
Letting yourself go, is the action needed.




_Nemesis-_


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Dump a cheater gain a life. You didn’t lose much. Serial cheaters never stop.
> Your new best friend is no contact. Just because you have kids you can keep contact to a minimum. The kids will adjust.
> 
> Communicate by text or email. Only kid or Divorce relayed items. Keep it to a minimum.
> ...


Oh, I am definitely down with minimum contact and there is a zero percent chance of her coming back or me wanting her back. I know some people will read that and roll their eyes, but I really have zero interest in getting back together with her. Ever. I have zero interest in one last roll in the hay with her either. Just no thanks. The reality is that I'd already given her a second chance so there's no way I'd give her a third. I know this is a blessing in disguise.

She is definitely on the "let's be friends" wagon. We have 50-50 custody and when I drop the kids off with her, she is constantly asking if I want a glass of wine or to stay for dinner. Mind you, I really don't think she's trying to keep me in the background as a backup option romantically, I think he genuinely thinks we can remain friends (we were friends before dating) despite the way she's treated me. I always, and I mean always, say no thanks, hug the kids, and leave. 

Thanks for the feedback.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Oh, I COMPLETELY understand the feeling and was not trying to negate that at ALL! I was just trying to let the OP know that in REALITY, once his emotions have calmed down a bit, I hope that he will really see that she is NOT worth the self-doubt and feelings of rejection.
> SAME with YOU. Over time, I think (hope??!) that you both will see that they are not worth it. Don't let the actions of a low-morals person affect YOUR self-worth.
> Judgement by a person of awful judgement -- is is REALLY a bad thing?


I am definitely coming around to this. Even since my original post, I am not so much bothered by the emotions of being discarded anymore. I know that is her failing, not mine. I know I deserve better. I know she isn't worth crying over. I'm sure there will still be days where that is not true and I'll feel rejected but the vast majority of the time I don't feel that way anymore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think it's pretty cruel to dump someone and then expect them to be all pally with you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

As for her wanting to be friends, you can always just say "Friends don't do what you did to me. You are no friend of mine" and just leave it at that.

She's just trying to make herself feel better "See we are friends, so what I did can't be that bad..."


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> As for her wanting to be friends, you can always just say "Friends don't do what you did to me. You are no friend of mine" and just leave it at that.
> 
> She's just trying to make herself feel better "See we are friends, so what I did can't be that bad..."


Oh, I totally agree on the making herself feel better part. And literally everyone who knows about the situation thinks the same. We can't all be wrong!

My feeling is kind of what you said--she doesn't deserve my friendship. Friendships are reserved for people worthy of them and she is not worthy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Wanting them to want you is needing validation and some low self-esteem. That said, it's not uncommon. Can't tell you how many guys come around after the breakup just to see if the woman still wants them sexually to boost their wounded egos. And that's all they want to know. Or maybe they are so baffled because they were "taking care of her" and being what they considered a nice good guy, so they want to think the woman still wants that from them, and sadly, that can lead to them continuing to be at their beck and call.


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