# Discover infidelity after 47 years of marriage



## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years. About 2 months ago she revealed to me that on the day before our wedding her former boyfriend of 2 years showed up at her house and asked to talk. She agreed and he took her to a secluded place where she allowed him to perform oral sex on her. This was like a stab through the heart and I got extremely upset. She couldn't understand my reaction. She said that it happened 47 years ago and since we've had a very happy marriage since then it shouldn't matter. To me, when she told me, it was like it had just happened. We've had several discussions about it where I've tried to express my hurt but I told her I forgive her. I know that the happiness that she has given me over our 47 years should make up for it yet, deep down, the hurt won't go away. I told her the main thing I would like to know in order to get closure on this is "Why did you let him to that". Her reply is "I don't know". I've tried several times to get an answer but she keeps saying she doesn't know. She's now gotten angry that I won't let it go and has said she does not want to talk about it anymore even to the point of suggesting that we go our separate ways if I can't forgive her which I've already told her I already have. I do not hold any ill feelings towards her...it just hurts that she would have done that the day before our wedding. Had I found out then, we probably wouldn't be married. All I want is to understand why and to get over the hurt.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

She did it because she wanted to. Saying "I don't know" is a lie. Refusing to talk about it is manipulation. You may never get over it.

Why did she tell you? I really wonder if she's telling you the whole truth. It's really strange to have a guy do oral on a woman and nothing else. What was in it for her?

These wounds are very deep. You should get some individual counseling immediately. She's not who you thought she was although, if everything else is okay, you should be able to save the marriage. Maybe not.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There is some underlying reason she told you. Even Boudreaux and Thibodeaux can tell you that. She didn’t Laissez les bon temps roulez for nothing. Of course it fells like yesterday... you just found out. I’ll bet you one cinnamon teal and a bushel of crabs there is more to that story sha !


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For you it's as if it's just happened so it's not at all surprising that you feel so hurt. She did marry you under false pretences and has hidden it all these years. Two months is nothing to expect you to be over this. 
I wonder if some marriage counselling may help you both be able to talk about it and hopefully eventually get past it. 
If she refuses could you go yourself? Talking it through with another person may well help.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

She really needs to put herself at that day and not think about it as 47 years ago. Does it make it OK because 47 years went by? Not at all. What else is she hiding? Did she return the favor? If she says no ask her why not? Maybe this was just the start of trickle truthing you do death. Maybe they even had sex too. Seems odd she would just allow him to do that without nothing for him. You cannot disrespect someone much more than fooling around with some other guy the day before your wedding. What else is she hiding from over the years?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Out of the blue, she tells you about a strange infidelity. Odds are she isn't revealing everything BTW.

Normal emotions and questions arise and she then suggests divorce because your normal reaction to her betrayal is a bit too much for her to deal with. 

She doesn't sound like a keeper to this barbarian.

Too bad you didn't figure it out 47 years ago.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It was wrong no doubt. 

But consider that she was young and dumb (as we all have done certain dumb things when very young. That would explain that.

The bigger question is why she told you now.

If she was feeling real close to you, and you two were just talking about how life is, has been, and silly stuff maybe she thought that in a moment of closeness she'd share a dumb thing she did and that you'd recognize it as it was, one of those stories about something one wishes they didn't do, to show how silly she was way back.

And she felt close, comfortable, that she shared a story that was a regret for her, because she felt in the moment of closeness/conversation, that you wouldn't freak out about it.

After all, she's shown you for 47 years that you're her love, her life. In this context, let it go.

Really, accept she did something stupid just before her M day, she finally felt close enough to share it as a goofy thing, and let it go. Accept it for what it was, at this stage in your M.

Unless there are other M issues or she's a horrible spiteful W, and there are obvious reasons she was telling you to hurt you. Which the other problems is so, are the larger issue.

Barring a horrible marriage, let it go. Unless you want to damage your M. 

Then, that's on you.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Then, that's on you.


I couldn't disagree more. He is not going to damage the marriage. That has been done already by his wife. He just never knew it until now. But to suggest that it will be on him is just plain wrong.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Barring the OP's W has for 47 yrs been one he's had to fight her EAs or PAs, and it's always been he's had justifications to think she's cheated.

If the above isn't the case, someone explain how revealing she did this stupid thing yet feels close enough to H after 47 good years to share it with, makes her automatically get the full label she's a cheater and a ho / must have always been, full blown ho label all of a sudden.

Really. 

Especially if the M has been solid. There aren't any details of a terrible suspicious relationship he's fought all along.

Y'all are perhaps making mountains from a thimble sized mole hill.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I'd divorce based on principle. Do to her what you would have done 47 years ago.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Trustless Marriage said:


> I couldn't disagree more. He is not going to damage the marriage. That has been done already by his wife. He just never knew it until now. But to suggest that it will be on him is just plain wrong.


How has his W damaged the M? Did he say she's always acted like a cheater and a ho?

No.

Or has he said, let me quote, "My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years."

I'd bet she was thinking in that moment of closeness, secure with the love of her life, that she could share that stupid, silly thing she did, in the dumb times of life. Context is key here.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Benbutton said:


> I'd divorce based on principle. Do to her what you would have done 47 years ago.


And why?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Cajun said:


> I told her the main thing I would like to know in order to get closure on this is "Why did you let him to that". Her reply is "I don't know".


She knows the answer... she just doesn't want to tell you what it is.

My wife slept with someone else right before our wedding, and the day after I propsed. Her reasoning for doing that was because she wanted him, not me, and she begged him to get off the crack so they could ride off into the sunset together. 

Not saying your wife saw the ex as her true love or the one that got away or any of that, but who knows. Regardless, there IS a reason why she did what she did though, and she needs to tell you. If she really can't figure it out then she needs to do some IC to figure it out.

Laughing it off as "just doing something dumb" isn't the right answer.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Perhaps your W thought was a parting gift to her old boyfriend. Who really knows but your W. Ask your W how she would feel if your old GF provided you a BJ(just for old time sake) the day before you were married. I'm thinking this infidelity from 47 years ago has bothered your W throughout the marriage. Your W was ready to get it off her chest. The incident so long ago in her mind and such a good W you would understand being jolly good with it all. Well, your W was wrong back then to have let her BF perform oral on her and most certainly wrong with what she would think your reaction would be. You need to keep digging. I suggest there is more to discover.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Something I thought I'd never see here. Some folks here immediately ho **** cheater name calling crowd, with no empathy for the H or the W. 

Context is everything. 

A W did something stupid the day before M, yet after, and I quote again "My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years."

So now, she's an immediate ****, cheater, ho, and you've got to divorce her immediately is the chanting. 

I'm fairly disappointed. 

The H is asking how to process. 

In this case let it go, hug your wife, tell her you're glad she considers you close enough to be able to share a stupid thing she did when young and dumb, as you two were talking about life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> She knows the answer... she just doesn't want to tell you what it is.
> 
> My wife slept with someone else right before our wedding, and the day after I propsed. Her reasoning for doing that was because she wanted him, not me, and she begged him to get off the crack so they could ride off into the sunset together.
> 
> ...


OP, do you want to sour a good M?

Take all this crap advice 

If you'd have only shrugged it off at the time and let it go, it wouldn't be an issue. Because it's not.

Do you want to die on this hill?

Her old bf talked her into it, she fell for his lies temporarily, that's the reason. No more, no less.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Although I understand your feelings, if you want to destroy your marriage after 47 years, go ahead and divorce her. You'll be much happier on your own...


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

She did more then just that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> She did more then just that.


You mean she had sex with him and the guilt is killing her after 47 years so she told her husband?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How has his W damaged the M? Did he say she's always acted like a cheater and a ho?
> 
> No.
> 
> ...


She did something that the OP would have left her for 47 years ago and concealed it for 47 years, thus compounding the lie. She introduced a slow acting poison into the marriage which has now, with the revelation of the truth, showed its symptoms and may lead to the death of the marriage.

If you build a house, no matter how solid the walls are, how luxurious you make it or how well you furbish it. If you used literal detritus as the foundation, that house will crumble.

If you introduce a betrayal (adultery and a foundation of detritus) into a marriage, right at it's beginning, the intervening years of being a good spouse is furbishing a house (the marriage), but that marriage is built using detritus as foundation and I won't blame the betrayed spouse at all for blowing up a house destined to crumble, even if the cracks are constantly being propped full of filler.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

She must of felt guilty all these years for her infidelity. You say your marriage has been really good for 47 years. She should have taken her stupidity to the grave. That is why she is angry.

She is mad at herself for sharing something that only hurts you and is 47 years too damn late. Don't be fooled please. It was not only oral sex. 

If you had a great 47 years, then you must seek IC to learn to let it go. Your wife can't cure your hurt. She caused it, but she has no clue how to cure it without further hurting you and her feeling self hatred. The secrecy has eaten away at her for a long time. She just had to let it out thinking relief would come. Well it didn't turn out the way she thought now did it?

She thought you would be her shoulder to help her carry the guilt she has been holding for a very long time. After all you two tackled everything together for 47 years and you were each other's safety nets for all those years too. 

That is why she doesn't want you to keep bringing it up. She doesn't want to rug sweep the whole affair because she will do it again. She wants to rug sweep it because she doesn't want to see the pain her disclosure and lapse in judgement caused. She is terrified of the consequences, yet is also filled with self loathing over the whole sordid mess. 

It was not easy for her to eat this up all these years, but she always feared the consequences which were to lose you and everything you built together.

If you don't want her secret to end your relationship, please seek IC. It is your best bet at this point. You may have to live apart because since she caused you the pain, you involuntarily think she can cure it. That's the farthest thing from the truth and the most damaging (this tidbit must sink in).

Detach from the toxic need to know more. It will only poison you! Forgive and let go. Not for her, but for you. What good will it do now except hurt you even deeper. That is not healthy. That is harmful this late in the game of your lives. 

Make no mistake, she has received her just desserts over the 47 years she alone has carried her transgression. Guilt like anger can be toxic when not channeled properly.

In your particular situation, please let go, forgive, and bury her transgression. If you can't bury it, don't harass her with questions, that only makes her feel shame and guilt. It will make her bolt. Make no mistake about that. 

Others will tell you she deserves to be punished and shamed, but she has done that to herself for 47 years already. You are better than that. If you can't forgive, let her go and set yourself free of being the punisher. Don't allow her mistakes to change you into a man you are not better for it. Be the bigger person and just let her go if you figure out her betrayal is just too much for you to handle either right now or in the future.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> You mean she had sex with him and the guilt is killing her after 47 years so she told her husband?


Quite possible. Trickle truth is forthcoming IMO.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Nailhead said:


> Quite possible. Trickle truth is forthcoming IMO.


After 47 years? I find it hard to believe, but anything is possible, I guess.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> You mean she had sex with him and the guilt is killing her after 47 years so she told her husband?


I wouldn't be able to guess why she told him now after 47 years but I can confidently say that she is not telling him the whole story


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> After 47 years? I find it hard to believe, but anything is possible, I guess.


So, the W let her old BF simply do oral and that was it? Highly unlikely. It as possible to carry this for 47 years. Yes, anything is possible.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I quote again "My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years."


Would he have been happily married for 47 years if he'd know his wife is a liar and a cheater?

"One for the road" usually means sex, either PIV or blowjob. How would her letting him do oral on her be a parting gift? Doesn't make sense.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP, do you want to sour a good M?
> 
> Take all this crap advice
> 
> ...


Since when do we "shrug off", aka rug sweep, infidelity? 

You think the response here is baffling? Yet you're saying infidelity was just a dumb little mistake to be laughed about


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> Quite possible. Trickle truth is forthcoming IMO.


I agree, an old boyfriend who she was comfortable with and only oral sex? I wouldn't buy the story that that was where it ended. If they had that much time and enough passion to engage in oral sex, then that passion would not have ended there. These weren't giggling teenagers pushing boundaries for the first time, but adults knowingly betraying her betrothed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My bs meter is going off on this one.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Why were they even alone together the day before your wedding?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sfort said:


> Why were they even alone together the day before your wedding?


Because there was a will of the OP wife to be alone with her old BF. If there is a will there is a way.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She deceived and lied to you for 47 yrs. Shows her moral fiber.There was no reason to reveal this after 47 yrs other than to clear her concuence and dump it on you. Was she pissed at you about something and wanted to hurt you?

Day before wedding...Oral sex only? Bullcrap! Someone who would do yhat would screw old BF brains out. She wanted to for old times sake. After 47 yrs she should have taken it to the grave


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If this is the only thing she's done and has been a good W for 47 yrs, she's proven she's a good W for almost 50 damn yrs.

If H found out the next day, it would have been a slam dunk to have a harsh come to jesus fight and leave her if he wanted. Good and expected, practical reasoning. 
Both of them probably in early 20s then.

If a good M, both happy, emotionally and physically in love as the H said, today, and this was intimately shared, not maliciously shared, in their 60s now the thing is a non issue.

Again, without other details stating she's a terrible person (and the opposite is described, mind you) to go nuclear or spend more that 5 minutes dwelling on it is idiocy.

Kind of like building a 12000 square feet 8 million dollar pool home, and demolishing the whole thing and rebuilding because one found fire ants in a corner of the front yard by a fence post.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Kind of like building a 12000 square feet 8 million dollar pool home, and demolishing the whole thing and rebuilding because one found fire ants in a corner of the front yard by a fence post.


To a lot of people, a woman allowing an old boyfriend to do oral on her the day before her wedding is more than fire ants. A better analogy would be that the house was built over a sink hole that didn't open up for 47 years. The ground just gave way, and it turns out that the wife knew about it the whole time.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Kind of like building a 12000 square feet 8 million dollar pool home, and demolishing the whole thing and rebuilding because one found fire ants in a corner of the front yard by a fence post.


Or like your wife mixing her **** into your food and feeding it to you for 47 years.

Getting use to the taste might not be too bad but finding out what the secret ingredient is could be disconcerting.

Her unwillingness to deal with the very normal emotional turmoil and questions her behavior has caused, is actually more of a concern than her initial betrayal.

This whole set up is setting off my Spidey senses.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Nailhead said:


> Because there was a will of the OP wife to be alone with her old BF. If there is a will there is a way.


47 years ago? 20 minutes of stupid by a 20 to 25 yo person before marriage wipes out 47 years of a good and healthy, loving marriage. 

Not itrw, not ever, unless the H is looking for an excuse to divorce. And here, he says he's not.

OP, grow up and accept she chose you to build a loving M and lifelong relationship with. 

You. 

If you want a divorce keep dwelling on it. 

How old were you then, and now?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If this is the only thing she's done and has been a good W for 47 yrs, she's proven she's a good W for almost 50 damn yrs.
> 
> If H found out the next day, it would have been a slam dunk to have a harsh come to jesus fight and leave her if he wanted. Good and expected, practical reasoning.
> Both of them probably in early 20s then.
> ...


I am old enough to say this without reservation, I have cut people out of my life for far less of a betrayal that happened 30 years before I discovered it. There is no passage of time or acts of kindness done by the betrayer while you are living a de-facto lie that can justify that a betrayal of this magnitude has to be forgiven or rug-swept.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I am old enough to say this without reservation, I have cut people out of my life for far less of a betrayal that happened 30 years before I discovered it. There is no passage of time or acts of kindness done by the betrayer while you are living a de-facto lie that can justify that a betrayal of this magnitude has to be forgiven or rug-swept.


There is no statute of limitations on right and wrong.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sfort said:


> To a lot of people, a woman allowing an old boyfriend to do oral on her the day before her wedding is more than fire ants. A better analogy would be that the house was built over a sink hole that didn't open up for 47 years. The ground just gave way, and it turns out that the wife knew about it the whole time.


So you're saying she's been a **** wife all these years?

Let those without guilt cast the first stone.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

** ***** all.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

#1. You dont have any kids around 46 do you? 

#2. Has this old boyfriend been around the past 47 yrs? Has she spoken of him?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I am old enough to say this without reservation, I have cut people out of my life for far less of a betrayal that happened 30 years before I discovered it. There is no passage of time or acts of kindness done by the betrayer while you are living a de-facto lie that can justify that a betrayal of this magnitude has to be forgiven or rug-swept.


Have you even read OPs post?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> 47 years ago? 20 minutes of stupid by a 20 to 25 yo person before marriage wipes out 47 years of a good and healthy, loving marriage.
> 
> Not itrw, not ever, unless the H is looking for an excuse to divorce. And here, he says he's not.
> 
> ...


I understand what you're saying but for me the situation would make me question what else she has lied about for 47 years. Yes he says they have been "happy, loving marriage" for 47 years but maybe that is just on his side? I would say that any marriage, no matter how long, that started on cheating is only a house full of mirrors.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Have you even read OPs post?


Yes, added to reading it, I also made sure I comprehended it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Without more from OP, we don't know if she's just started Trickle Truthing. Others may not react the same way, but Trickle Truthing makes me furious.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Assuming she's been a good and faithful wife you might as well pretend you're the biggest badass on the planet and act like it doesn't bother you.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And why?


Why not.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Numb26 said:


> I wouldn't be able to guess why she told him now after 47 years but I can confidently say that she is not telling him the whole story


We all know this even the husband knows this that is why he wants answers. The answers will hurt more and serve for damn good purpose except to poison HIM. 

He needs help fighting the urge to go that route when he has already chosen to forgive. 

OP, you need to understand that the whole ugly truth won't change your hurt as the betrayal has run deep anyway. Why do you want more pain? The damage has been done. What do you want? To save the marriage or to end it?

Those are the two main questions you must focus on, not the urge to dig deeper as only more hurt will come from that. Accept that you know enough to slowly work on your decision of honestly forgiving and rebuilding your marriage or maybe not.

Relief won't come with more questions. Anger will take over. You need professional help for that. Your wife doesn't hold the key to help you. The fools around here that tell you she needs to disclose everything can't control you or her. Don't allow them to hit you with "their" projections. You know enough to decide at some point if you can or can't move on past this with your marriage. 47 years is a long time of happiness to throw away especially f she came clean. This is important because it is a clear indicator of her guilt and shame. She wasn't caught. That is BIG even if some folks around here decide she should be lynched or burned at the stake pretty much. They are fool of toxic and unrightful anger. Don't let this poison you! You are not vile like that. This won't turn you into a punisher.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'd bet she was thinking in that moment of closeness, secure with the love of her life, that she could share that stupid, silly thing she did, in the dumb times of life. Context is key here.


When my wife admitted what she did while we were on "break" I asked her if she performed oral on him. She denied denied denied. Finally, during a screaming match in front of our counselor, she finally admitted to blowing him. I can also list about 20 lies easily that she had told me during her trickle truth sessions with me where she either denied or plain out lied to me on other topics hoping I would just go away.

I think there is more here than she is telling. I think he should sit her down and tell her it's time to spill all the beans once and for all. Even then he will have to keep prying and asking questions about statements that don't make sense to get as much truth out of her as possible. 

You are right about context and the context is her long time boyfriend came over and they both said their goodbyes in a secluded area in total disrespect for her future husband. Once a cheater - always a cheater. What else is she hiding?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> 47 years ago? 20 minutes of stupid by a 20 to 25 yo person before marriage wipes out 47 years of a good and healthy, loving marriage.
> 
> Not itrw, not ever, unless the H is looking for an excuse to divorce. And here, he says he's not.
> 
> ...


No sir. The lying by omission wipes out 47 years of marriage. Furthermore, I think only the tip of the iceberg has been exposed. Test the waters kind of thing.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And why?


I don't take these things lightly, it wouldn't matter to me how long ago it happened. 
I would feel that I was robbed at a chance to have been with someone better. It doesn't get any simpler than that for me.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Bibi1031 said:


> We all know this even the husband knows this that is why he wants answers. The answers will hurt more and serve for damn good purpose except to poison HIM.
> 
> He needs help fighting the urge to go that route when he has already chosen to forgive.
> 
> ...


Rug sweeping - bad.... No matter the passage of time or acts of contrition in the interim. The cancer can not be excised if hidden or ignored.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So you're saying she's been a sh!!t wife all these years?
> 
> Let those without guilt cast the first stone.


The OP wife has been a wonderful a wife by all accounts. A lying one but still a good wife.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Well, so much for the folks that say one spouse has the obligation to confess prior misdemeanors to their spouse because they deserve to know. Goes to show how this kind of advise can cause pain to others that could have be avoided if the offender had the courage to live with their own guilt. 
Cajun, it sounds like the 47 year old version of the modern bachlorette party. I can understand your disappointment in finding out your now mature wife had a bit of a last fling, at least I hope it was the last, but the old gal gave you 47 years of serving you up poon tang on a regular basis. And she ain't likely done yet if you're up to the task. Side that, you said its been a happy marriage. You have to admit that despite the let down, what she done a couple or three days before you tied the knot, washed off pretty good. 
Look at it this way Dawg. There are a few guys on the site that performs oral sex on their wives after their misses spent the afternoon with the boyfriend of two years. Be thankful you ain't one of them.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> We all know this even the husband knows this that is why he wants answers. The answers will hurt more and serve for damn good purpose except to poison HIM.
> 
> He needs help fighting the urge to go that route when he has already chosen to forgive.
> 
> ...


You must have cheated in your life 🤔


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sfort said:


> There is no statute of limitations on right and wrong.


Exactly. So I would challenge anyone of an older age to look back at the person they were 50 years ago, and judge themselves with their present day perspective and moral maturity. I've been there and still am, often with regret,remorse and shame, and in most cases unable to make amends. There is a hell of a lot more reflection the closer you get to the endpoint of your life.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> I would feel that I was robbed at a chance to have been with someone better.


Whoa! That's a profundity right there. I need to write that one down.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> We all know this even the husband knows this that is why he wants answers. The answers will hurt more and serve for damn good purpose except to poison HIM.
> 
> He needs help fighting the urge to go that route when he has already chosen to forgive.
> 
> ...


Fixed it. Be careful Bib.🙂


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If this is the only thing she's done and has been a good W for 47 yrs, she's proven she's a good W for almost 50 damn yrs.
> 
> If H found out the next day, it would have been a slam dunk to have a harsh come to jesus fight and leave her if he wanted. Good and expected, practical reasoning.
> Both of them probably in early 20s then.
> ...


Not even close, there is no emotional investment or heartbreak over a pool house. Some people can get by with that knowledge, others have self respect.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

We may have scared OP away, but he came here because he smelled a rat. We've told him that it smells like a rat to us. If he can get past it, that's his business. If he's going to live with a lot of questions marks, and if he's okay with that, it's his business. He came here for honest opinions, and he got what he wanted. I'm not suggesting he bust up the marriage if it has been good for 47 years, but he's now playing with fire. If he's okay with getting burned, who are we to complain?

If I were him, I'd be considering a polygraph for her, unless she decides to come clean. They're not totally reliable, but they're an indicator.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I am old enough to say this without reservation, I have cut people out of my life for far less of a betrayal that happened 30 years before I discovered it. There is no passage of time or acts of kindness done by the betrayer while you are living a de-facto lie that can justify that a betrayal of this magnitude has to be forgiven or rug-swept.



Your name is the complete opposite of what you are pointing right now. The divinely favored know how to forgive and let go. Never shame or punish. You simply leave that to the Divine and you walk away from the toxicity something you didn't cause brings into YOUR life.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Sfort said:


> Whoa! That's a profundity right there. I need to write that one down.


I was actually in this position so I speak from experience. I found out my xw cheated just before we were married, 12 yrs prior. It was one of the first epiphanies I had shortly after the discovery. Poke fun at my statement, that's fine, but it wasn't meant to be profound - it was just the way it happened.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Benbutton said:


> Not even close, there is no emotional investment or heartbreak over a pool house. Some people can get by with that knowledge, others have self respect.


If you knew anything about me, I'm usually on the other side. Drop her like a hot stone, etc. I do believe others would confirm that.

In this case OP is asking how he can get past this 

Odds are, this happened in their early, early twenties. The 47 yr M makes them late 60s or even more.

They've been married, happily, for 47 years. H has been very happy. W has been happy. 

The young girl, day before M, heagot talked out of her dress for 20 mins or so, yes, give or take, by a lying old bf, talking her out of her clothes. And she fell for his logic in some manner. 

Now, after 47 yrs of described "My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years" goid, happy M, this comes up, apparently not maliciously. 

And H wants to get past it. That's HIS request. 

So, let him. 

Too many idjits have thrown out she's nothing but a cheatin' sl$t, ho, cheater and advised him to D his W immediately, which is really self righteous stupidity showing itself, not consideration for the OP.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> Poke fun at my statement, that's fine, but it wasn't meant to be profound - it was just the way it happened.


Do you think I was poking fun at it?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> In this case OP is asking how he can get past this


I'm all for forgiveness, but I'm not sure how the OP can get past this. I guess it all depends on the state of their marriage and the degree of happiness in their marriage. Still, madness to tell him now, unless *she is* the one looking for a divorce.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Nailhead said:


> No sir. The lying by omission wipes out 47 years of marriage. Furthermore, I think only the tip of the iceberg has been exposed. Test the waters kind of thing.


Then you, in this case should divorce. If you did have a good M for almost 50 yrs and this came out over too much wine then obviously you believe you're perfect so you couldn't get past this, you feel justified (again, because you're perfect) and she should be flogged on the way out.

That's you. Maybe not the OP.

And, maybe you're looking for a reason to D, and this was a gift to you.

That's you. Not the OP.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sfort said:


> Do you think I was poking fun at it?


I did.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> She must of felt guilty all these years for her infidelity. You say your marriage has been really good for 47 years. She should have taken her stupidity to the grave. That is why she is angry.
> 
> She is mad at herself for sharing something that only hurts you and is 47 years too damn late. Don't be fooled please. It was not only oral sex.
> 
> ...


I agree and think this is good advice. But her saying if he can’t get over it they can just divorce—— that’s yet another stab in the back to me. She has a bad attitude.

That said: 47 years. Put it behind you and be thankful for what you have.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I did.


Strange. It was a sincere compliment.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This situation always causes a really heated debate. It’s a bad situation of history that gets drug forward. Both parties have a point depending on the past marriage bliss/disgust and loads of context to sift through. I’m not a reconciliation guy usually but ..... ummmmm.... I don’t know.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I'm all for forgiveness, but I'm not sure how the OP can get past this. I guess it all depends on the state of their marriage and the degree of happiness in their marriage. Still, madness to tell him now, unless *she is* the one looking for a divorce.


Finally a bit of reality. 

Kudos to you @In Absentia .


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> This situation always causes a really heated debate. It’s a bad situation of history that gets drug forward. Both parties have a point depending on the past marriage bliss/disgust and loads of context to sift through. I’m not a reconciliation guy usually but ..... ummmmm.... I don’t know.


Well said.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Kind of like building a 12000 square feet 8 million dollar pool home, and demolishing the whole thing and rebuilding because one found fire ants in a corner of the front yard by a fence post.


Heh more like after having built the 8 million dollar home you've realised it's built by substandard materials that is cracking and under threat of collapse. 

Of course you can always spend more money to reinforce the structure but short of rebuilding it simply isn't the same now that the bliss of ignorance is gone.

However this is my opinion, and OP has to make up his mind what he is willing to do.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I'm all for forgiveness, but I'm not sure how the OP can get past this. I guess it all depends on the state of their marriage and the degree of happiness in their marriage. Still, madness to tell him now, unless *she is* the one looking for a divorce.


I can't see a reason for her to do it unless.she was trying to cause pain


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Numb26 said:


> I can't see a reason for her to do it unless.she was trying to cause pain


Guilt can be a burden, combined with the trickle truth revealing a 'small' infidelity may allow her to gauge her husbands reaction prior to revealing the rest of her potential transgressions - or not. Of course, only a theory, but that would be my suspect.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Bibi1031 said:


> Your name is the complete opposite of what you are pointing right now. The divinely favored know how to forgive and let go. Never shame or punish. You simply leave that to the Divine and you walk away from the toxicity something you didn't cause brings into YOUR life.


My username directly translates to True Word and is indicative of authenticity in speech, nothing more. I think you confused me with Divinely Favored. There is no punishment in not wanting adulterous or back-stabbing people in your circle. It is best to free oneself of such rot. It simplifies ones life and protects you from further exploitation by a proven liar and treacherous being.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Benbutton said:


> I don't take these things lightly, it wouldn't matter to me how long ago it happened.
> I would feel that I was robbed at a chance to have been with someone better. It doesn't get any simpler than that for me.


OP is not YOU. He has forgiven.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bibi1031 said:


> Your name is the complete opposite of what you are pointing right now. The divinely favored know how to forgive and let go. Never shame or punish. You simply leave that to the Divine and you walk away from the toxicity something you didn't cause brings into YOUR life.


Lol if that is him I am the polar opposite.

I AM THE INSTRUMENT OF KARMA!


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> I can't see a reason for her to do it unless.she was trying to cause pain


She might have had a fallout with an old friend that knew and is now threatening to expose. The fear of being outed has brought on more confessions than most other reasons.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Strange. It was a sincere compliment.


I got your meaning but I've been paying attention to your online "accent".😉


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I always take a fairly hard line with infidelity. I’m a divorce guy all the way. Self respect is something I have plenty of and I’m very bold by nature. As I sift through my loads of context in marriage and history...... I would want my wife to take it to the grave. THAT ..... is not the usual me.... but it’s me when covered in that context. UNUSUAL....VERY..... but it is what it is.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> She might have had a fallout with an old friend that knew and is now threatening to expose. The fear of being outed has brought on more confessions than most other reasons.


Now THAT'S a far out supposition, but who knows? It could be true.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> I got your meaning but I've been paying attention to your online "accent".😉


I don't have an accent. Everyone else does.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Rug sweeping - bad.... No matter the passage of time or acts of contrition in the interim. The cancer can not be excised if hidden or ignored.


It ain't hidden or ignored when she disclosed the secret meeting the day before the wedding and what she told him transpired. If you can't forgive that, then what more do you need to know to forgive? Nothing in all honesty. More disclosure will bring more negative emotions and hurt to the betrayed. 

He says he has forgiven, but his urge for more answers is very telling. It is also an involuntary urge. He wants to get past it, but he can't. He needs help. 

He doesn't need her for that. He needs a professional that has perfected their craft in helping the betrayed come to a place of healing in a healthy way regardless of whether the marriage survives or not.

Lynching mob mentality doesn't help OP. That is what I don't agree with. That is why I'm not on the side of treating this particular case like most others. Going scorched earth with this case is a big no no too.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> Lynching mob mentality doesn't help OP. That is what I don't agree with.


This statement is confusing. Everyone here is on his side. We just don't agree on what his resolution is, which doesn't matter since the decision is his anyway.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cajun said:


> My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years. About 2 months ago she revealed to me that on the day before our wedding her former boyfriend of 2 years showed up at her house and asked to talk. She agreed and he took her to a secluded place where she allowed him to perform oral sex on her. This was like a stab through the heart and I got extremely upset. She couldn't understand my reaction. She said that it happened 47 years ago and since we've had a very happy marriage since then it shouldn't matter. To me, when she told me, it was like it had just happened. We've had several discussions about it where I've tried to express my hurt but I told her I forgive her. I know that the happiness that she has given me over our 47 years should make up for it yet, deep down, the hurt won't go away. I told her the main thing I would like to know in order to get closure on this is "Why did you let him to that". Her reply is "I don't know". I've tried several times to get an answer but she keeps saying she doesn't know. She's now gotten angry that I won't let it go and has said she does not want to talk about it anymore even to the point of suggesting that we go our separate ways if I can't forgive her which I've already told her I already have. I do not hold any ill feelings towards her...it just hurts that she would have done that the day before our wedding. Had I found out then, we probably wouldn't be married. All I want is to understand why and to get over the hurt.


Hey partner, you might want to join this rodeo you organized.

You understandably need to talk to her about this and have your questions answered and she honestly owes that to you, not only for the betrayal, but for waiting 47 years to spring this on you.

She should understand that you need to work through this and her lobbing a bomb in your lap and then saying she doesn't know why and she doesn't want to talk about it is a sure fire way to cause more damage.

You should consider getting some books on the subject to help with both of you communicating thoughts and feelings and counseling could help as well.

She might not have the tools to communicate like she needs to right now but if she isn't even willing to try to help you work through the pain she inflicted, that speaks very poorly of her.

If she refuses to try and help you through the pain she caused, she really isn't a good candidate for reconciliation in my opinion.

Her reticent attitude is far more concerning than the initial infidelity.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sfort said:


> Now THAT'S a far out supposition, but who knows? It could be true.


Heh not really that far out, it's actually quite common, even as a form of damage control / mitigation of potential blackmail and @Dictum Veritas is right to point it out.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What she told you was just enough to get it off her chest. Tip of the iceberg.
She’s mad because she doesn’t have to eat this **** sandwich like you do. She does expect you to just get over living her cheating lie for 47 years.

Her thoughts are this doesn’t/shouldn’t matter now. I’m just glad to get it off my chest and put it on yours.

However, whether you eat the **** sandwich or not is up to you.

Sorry you’re here but your feelings of betrayal, disrespect are a real hurtful thing and you should matter too. Her callous attitude doesn’t say much for her. It says she matters a lot more than you in her mind.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cajun said:


> My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years. About 2 months ago she revealed to me that on the day before our wedding her former boyfriend of 2 years showed up at her house and asked to talk. She agreed and he took her to a secluded place where she allowed him to perform oral sex on her. This was like a stab through the heart and I got extremely upset. She couldn't understand my reaction. She said that it happened 47 years ago and since we've had a very happy marriage since then it shouldn't matter. To me, when she told me, it was like it had just happened. We've had several discussions about it where I've tried to express my hurt but I told her I forgive her. I know that the happiness that she has given me over our 47 years should make up for it yet, deep down, the hurt won't go away. I told her the main thing I would like to know in order to get closure on this is "Why did you let him to that". Her reply is "I don't know". I've tried several times to get an answer but she keeps saying she doesn't know. *She's now gotten angry *that I won't let it go and has said she does not want to talk about it anymore even to the point of *suggesting that we go our separate ways if I can't forgive her* which I've already told her I already have. I do not hold any ill feelings towards her...it just hurts that she would have done that the day before our wedding. Had I found out then, we probably wouldn't be married. *All I want is to understand why and to get over the hurt.*


Not sure why she decided to spill this 47 years in, or why having done that is suggesting going separate ways because you are having trouble processing it. Taking it to her grave would have been the sensible thing.

Simply the why is she did what she did because she wanted to. And what she told is most likely just the tip of the iceberg, not that it makes any difference really. No point to badger her for details. Young, impulsive most in late teens or twenties have done some pretty stupid things. 

How to get over the hurt? I have read that some psychiatric professionals use hypnosis to erase painful memories. Other than that, these thoughts are going to stay with you for the rest of your life.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> But her saying if he can’t get over it they can just divorce—— that’s yet another stab in the back to me. She has a bad attitude.


That is her anger being channeled outward. If she turns it towards her, she will feel guilt and shame. If the guilt and shame fester, she will get depressed and shut down. They are toxic coping mechanisms. I totally agree it's not one bit helpful. But we all use terrible coping mechanisms when we find ourselves in such horrible messes that we ourselves got into... Sigh


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Lol if that is him I am the polar opposite.
> 
> I AM THE INSTRUMENT OF KARMA!


I did get the poster's name wrong because I saw DF in it at the bottom. I am adjusting to TAM's new format and how the "likes" appear.

That's why the response made no sense with the posters name of "Divinely Favored". It does now.. 😂

My apologies for my over sight. 😱


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Cajun said:


> My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years. About 2 months ago she revealed to me that on the day before our wedding her former boyfriend of 2 years showed up at her house and asked to talk. She agreed and he took her to a secluded place where she allowed him to perform oral sex on her. This was like a stab through the heart and I got extremely upset. She couldn't understand my reaction. She said that it happened 47 years ago and since we've had a very happy marriage since then it shouldn't matter. To me, when she told me, it was like it had just happened. We've had several discussions about it where I've tried to express my hurt but I told her I forgive her. I know that the happiness that she has given me over our 47 years should make up for it yet, deep down, the hurt won't go away. I told her the main thing I would like to know in order to get closure on this is "Why did you let him to that". Her reply is "I don't know". I've tried several times to get an answer but she keeps saying she doesn't know. She's now gotten angry that I won't let it go and has said she does not want to talk about it anymore even to the point of suggesting that we go our separate ways if I can't forgive her which I've already told her I already have. I do not hold any ill feelings towards her...it just hurts that she would have done that the day before our wedding. Had I found out then, we probably wouldn't be married. All I want is to understand why and to get over the hurt.


Hi @Cajun,

Well as usual, the regulars at TAM are arguing with each other rather than talking to you, so let me take a stab at this. I am not going to bring in "religion" and I'm going to try to not base my post on MY feelings or MY reaction--rather, I will try to focus on you, what you've said, what you've stated to us, and then share what I know from my experience.

First, 47 years is a long time. I suspect after that long of a marriage, you actually do know your wife fairly well. Yes, people can be secretive and hide aspects of themselves, but not usually for 47 years. At some point, their True Self will be shown. So when you think back on the person you "thought she was", if you consider her ACTIONS and not her words, chances are you have a pretty clear image of who she truly is. Don't doubt yourself after 47 years of evidence!

Second, I think it is 100% natural for you to react as you have. FOR YOU this revelation is fresh and thus, you are reacting to new information. You've built 47 years on a foundation that you just found out wasn't the foundation you thought it was. Thus, it's completely normal to feel betrayed and angry, and to look back and wonder if it was all a lie. All I'm saying is that I don't think you're out of line; you'll want to know more. See, for 47 years she has had all the pieces of the puzzle and she knows that the image the puzzle makes isn't an image she wants you to see. In addition, she's known this for almost half a century! You made a puzzle with several key pieces missing that you didn't even KNOW were missing, and the image you saw...well now you know it wasn't a fully accurate image! YOU have known this for less than a week, so you are newly adjusting to this.

Third, I know the most common question Betrayed Spouses (BS) ask is "Why?" "Why did you do that?" "Why would you let that happen?" Right? But just a note to self: there is no answer out there in the realm of heaven or earth where you'd say to yourself "Oh. Well...that is a good reason." Shoot, there's not even an answer that would make you say "Well, that makes some sense." Know why? Because in real life, the reason people do things like this is because they want to...and they can. It comes down to that, simply put. Now you should know that in my life there was a time when I was a Wayward Spouse--I cheated online. I worked hard to become a better person and spouse, and earn my "former" (so that I am now happy I can say I am a FORMER wayward). But, in real life, some part of her at that time had some screwed up fear or insecurity or lack of self-worth that she wanted to do it. Now, did she go around desiring the ex-bf? Probably not. It was likely something more like she was afraid if she got married, she wouldn't be as desirable and this confirmed she "still had it." And trust me, people do CRAZY MENTAL GYMNASTICS to justify this!!! But deep down it's usually a severe lack of self-worth or fear...and because they can do it.

So if you do decide to forgive her, I would strongly suggest that both of you, together, take a journey learning about infidelity. Now, at first she may feel like it was before marriage AND almost 50 years ago so how is it infidelity, but if you explain to her that it's the closest thing to how you feel right now, then maybe she'll agree to learn about it with you. Start with my article on Understanding Your Loyal Spouse. If nothing else, it will help you have vocabulary about everything that you're feeling...and it will give her some concrete things she can do to help. Another thing you can do is to just Google "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse" or something like that, and read articles...and then talk about them. Finally there is one book I actually recommend: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". I'm not affiliated with this author, but it would be great to read this out loud and then discuss if that's true for you or not, how the two of you might tackle that idea, etc. If you approach it like the two of you are on one team, and the feelings and issue are the other team, she will hopefully feel less "threatened" and like it's you vs. her. When a person feels like you vs. them...it's natural to defend yourself. But when a person feels like "us vs. the issue from 47 years ago" the likelihood of being more open is greater. 

Final thought: forgiveness does NOT equal forgetting!!! I don't think you'll ever "forget" this. I don't dwell on it, but it is on my mind every day in one way or another. But to me, I define forgiveness as "Laying down your right to deserved recompense for an offense, and deciding (choosing) to never, ever pick it up again." At this point an offense has been committed...and since a wrong has been done to you, you have the right to some recompense or consequence. Right? Forgiveness doesn't mean "you will experience no consequence" but rather that natural consequences will still occur and you have chosen to lay down your rightful demand for recompense. Does this make sense? My personal opinion is that it's a very natural consequence to say that the actions she chose (oral sex b4 marriage and then covering it up for 47 years) result in HER needing to learn how to help the spouse she betrayed. In addition, some individual counseling (IC) may be wise, but then again she may have grown in the intervening 47 years.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The first question is what precipitated this sudden revelation?

Here is the deal and what she need to understand, 47 years or not, it's hard to be married to a liar.

I would caution you not to assume you have the full story. It would be foolish to do so, 47 years is a long time to hold a lie. I also think it would be very unwise for you to just let this go or assume that this is the only thing that has been hidden from you. Again hiding the fact that she cheated on you the day before your wedding? Just the fact that she was willing to cheat the day before the wedding with some guy who just showed up? The story doesn't sound believable. What seems much more reasonable to me is that they had an ongoing parallel relationship which begs the question how long was it going on and did it go on after your marriage?

The next question is did she have contact with this man during your marriage?

Having read many stories like this, I would bet money there is a lot more to this story and your marriage that you have no idea about. But the truth is you are going to have to decide how you will move forward and how strong you are going to be. I suspect you will not be able to just sweep this under the rug, mostly because the story as it sits now doesn't make a lot of logical sense. Who suddenly cheats the day before they get married with someone who just shows up, and passively lets this person do it? Just the fact that it's the DAY BEFORE your wedding, she should have been all caught up in that. It's like he was a prostitute who just showed up or something, again this doesn't sound very plausible, can't remember reading any stories where women do stuff like this. Even with men and prostitutes, for instance at a bachelor party, the man actively pursue this activity.

Now maybe he showed up and professed his love, and she decided to have one more fling before she married, but why didn't she say that? What seems much more likely is that they had an ongoing relationship, now maybe this was a last sex act in it, but that begs the question did it really end? It's a rare person who consummates an ongoing cheating relationship the day before the wedding and then goes cold turkey the next. Morals don't change on a dime. Also if she was able to keep this lie for 47 years who knows what else she was able to lie about. One things for sure, your wife is not a moral a person as you believed. Again was this guy around your marriage during this time? Did she ever succumb to any other temptation during the 47 years? It's reasonable to ask this if she wasn't able to resist it in what is generally considers the most intense period in your relationship the day before you get married. All of these are perfectly reasonable, logical questions that any smart person would be asking, don't feel guilty about that. Your wife has lost the benefit of the doubt, frankly forever.

I understand the tendency of some people to want to say "if the marriage is good just move on" but I would say, a marriage where one spouse lies to you for 47 years is not a good one. A spouse who physically cheats on you the day before your marriage and then lies about it for 47 years, thereby stealing your agency, is NOT a loving and good spouse in mine or most peoples book. Again it's not like this was a one time thing that she confessed immediately.

What's very clear is your wife has no idea nor does she care to deal with the magnitude of this betrayal. She also has no fear, which in this case is not a good thing. Again despite what anyone says her acceptance of this really doesn't matter. whether she wants to get it or not, unless it's dealt with it will erode your relationship, as it is already doing. If she chooses to be defiant and minimize your pain it will just cause it to erode worse and may end it. I would tell her as much. I might write her a letter making these points.


This is new to me, it's like it happened yesterday (which is reasonable, go read some infidelity message boards to confirm this).
This has changed my trust in you, as you have proven that you can lie to my face for 47 years, moving forward, our relationship can't help but be different.
I would be foolish to believe you are telling me the truth now. 
Why should I believe there was not more then this, or that this has not been an ongoing thing in our marriage?
How much contact have you had with this guy?
How do I know there were not other people in our marriage too?
You need to understand that in my eyes this has greatly damaged our marriage and how you behave moving forward will depend on what kind of marriage we will have now.
At this point today, going forward, I expect full openness and transparency and the truth from you, I have deserve that as I have for 47 years, you promised that and failed me.
If you continue to minimize and lie to me you can assume our marriage will be destroyed.
It is unrealistic and unfair for you to believe that my love for you would remain unchanged if you continue to minimize the pain you have caused me.
By lying to me since the day before we made vows you have stolen my agency and I intend to get it back with or without you.
It's up to you if you are going to be wiling to repair our marriage or not.

Then I would thoroughly detach, maybe even go away for a few days and turn off my phone, not answer her calls. 

I suspect as is usually the case in situations like this, the dynamic in your marriage is for you acquiescing or defer to her, you really shouldn't in this case (probably shouldn't have been from the start). She needs to understand the magnitude of what she did and that there will be consequences. Her actions say she has no fear, again I would suspect she is used to you and others protecting her from them.

Anyone who advises you to - just get over it - is frankly giving you foolish advice because you won't. Human nature doesn't work like that, unless YOUR WIFE, deals with this it will destroy your bond and eventually your love for her. So doing nothing will NOT fix that. I would question what the goal of that advice is. It's not going to save your marriage. Frankly the damage is done, it is yet to be seen if she can repair it.

I get the tendency to bristle at a lot of the stuff that I have written in this post but almost all of it is just describing the reality of the situation. Maybe even you find it harsh, but again it won't matter. This is your situation you have to accept your reality and deal with it if you are to have any hope that it won't crush you.

This will NOT GO AWAY. I guess you will have to decide what you care about more, your marriage or your peace of mind.

At the very least you should go to marriage counseling but I would look for one who specializes in infidelity.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Sfort said:


> This statement is confusing. Everyone here is on his side. We just don't agree on what his resolution is, which doesn't matter since the decision is his anyway.


Indeed. We are on his side, but not all of us are OK with his decision. Some want to treat his WS like a run of the mill type of cheater and this particular case is not that ordinary. We can't lynch her so to speak. 

@Cajun:
She confessed. She wasn't outed. Her confession came 47 years later, but look at the confession very closely. 

It was on the day before the wedding. A very hurtful sexual act that happened was disclosed. These two things alone would make any betrayed leave the infidel without hesitation. It was a very damaging. Not much different than PIV to be quite frank. Yet you forgave her or so you say. Your action contradicts this with your need for more questions. 

Her disclosure contradicts trickle truth too. This is not over for you. You need help for sure. But wanting answers from her won't help you or your decision to get past this. 

This is truly what your probing for more from her won't get you to salvage the marriage. It will cause the opposite effect. She will bolt or shut down, and you will fill up with confusion, anger and resentment. That is not forgiveness. But That is not rugsweeping either because you want to dig deeper. 

You can of course, but with proper tools only professionals can equip you with. Please don't probe your wife. She is very vulnerable right now. She can't help you. She will hurt you because she is in survival mode. Don't pressure a human in survival mode because our animal instinct will kick in and she will hurt you to save herself. Avoid that if you can. It will hinder you and her and will delay both your healing processes. Seek IC for both of you first. Then marriage counseling if you two get to the point where you truly can work on rebuilding the marriage and trusting her again. 

It doesn't look like you are ready for that yet. You really want to forgive, but you honestly can't right now and that is OK. It is going to take time.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> Indeed. We are on his side, but not all of us are OK with his decision.


It's none of our business. He came here from opinions, and that's what he's getting (if he comes back.)

I'm just curious. She cheated on him 47 years ago. Some people here, even "regulars", are saying it's okay and get over it. Answer these questions: 

If she cheated 45 years ago, would that be ok?
If she cheated 35 years ago, would that be ok?
If she cheated 25 years ago, would that be ok?
If she cheated 15 years ago, would that be ok?
If she cheated 5 years ago, would that be ok?
If she cheated 1 year ago, would that be ok?
If she cheated 1 month ago, would that be ok?

Where's the line?

The supposition is that she told him for a reason. We don't know and may never know that reason. Until she comes clean, she's concealing the truth. In the very rare possibility that she has made a full disclosure, if OP can accept that it was a long time ago and there is not a current problem, it may not be worth blowing up his marriage. It's possible that the "regulars" here are jumping to conclusions that are invalid. However, experience is a great teacher, and saying the same thing using ten times the words does not change anything.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Sfort said:


> Do you think I was poking fun at it?


I couldn't tell, my apologies if you werent.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> OP is not YOU. He has forgiven.


I was answering another posters question.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Sfort said:


> It's none of our business. He came here from opinions, and that's what he's getting (if he comes back.)
> 
> I'm just curious. She cheated on him 47 years ago. Some people here, even "regulars", are saying it's okay and get over it. Answer these questions:
> 
> ...


Your post above is a TJ. We are now arguing and not really helping. I apologize to OP for this. I will stick to helping HIM not defend my POV with others.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> I couldn't tell, my apologies if you werent.


No apology necessary. It's a forum. It's hard to tell sometimes. In conclusion, I think it's a great comment.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> Your post above is a TJ. We are now arguing and not really helping. I apologize to OP for this. I will stick to helping HIM not defend my POV with others.


It is in no way a TJ. These questions are the very ones that OP needs to ask himself to reach a decision that works for him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> She knows the answer... she just doesn't want to tell you what it is.
> 
> My wife slept with someone else right before our wedding, and the day after I propsed. Her reasoning for doing that was because she wanted him, not me, and she begged him to get off the crack so they could ride off into the sunset together.
> 
> ...


That is harsh, I feel for you there..


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The bigger question is why she told you now.


Yep, that's the question that begs for an answer. People don't fess up to a cold case without motivation and purpose. Anyway, even if her attempt was to make some type of restitution causes more hurt than help, it was dumb act and selfish therapy. If her efforts were to "put it all on the table" she accomplished nothing but to put the burden of her actions on him and destroyed at least part of marriage at his expense. She should have limited her confessions and seeking forgiveness, if that what her intent was, to the man upstairs.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Indeed. We are on his side, but not all of us are OK with his decision. Some want to treat his WS like a run of the mill type of cheater and this particular case is not that ordinary. We can't lynch her so to speak. She confessed. She wasn't outed. Her confession came 47 years later, but look at the confession very closely.
> 
> It was on the day before the wedding. A very hurtful sexual act that happened was disclosed. These two things alone would make any betrayed leave the infidel without hesitation. It was a very damaging. Not much different than PIV to be quite frank. Yet he forgave her or so he says. His actions contradict this with his need for more questions.
> 
> ...


First of all most of us aren't telling him to lynch her, but what we are telling him to do is not to blindly trust her.

Maybe I missed it but there is nothing to indicate that she "freely" confessed. Maybe he dragged it out of her, we just don't know. On top of that, she lied to him for 47 years, and he also believed her for 47 years. Given everything I just wrote, history shows, she has the ability to lie about huge stuff in their marriage, and he he can't tell. So caution is more then warranted.

Then there are all the red flags in the story. Assuming she is now telling the truth, and given how the tendency by almost all cheaters to minimize at first in also unwise, but lets say she is, given the day of the cheating the story is very extreme. The day before your marriage for almost everyone is a day where you are hyper focused on your relationship, so a random hookup seems extremely problematic. The logical question that follows is, if she can't be faithful on the day before all the planning, and excitement of her wedding why should we assume she was in the times when, like all marriages, it got hard? These are reasonable questions.

Besides that there is a very big tell in all this to quote "She couldn't understand my reaction." Really? If she can't understand then she is a sociopath, and if she does understand then she is minimizing and rug sweeping.

The problem with this is, even if he goes and gets therapy that is not enough. There has to be good faith for the marriage to survive, she needs to willingly and actively build there bond back. Her attitude shows a lack of good faith and desire to do that so therefor no foundation to fix this. She can't be passive in rebuilding the trust in a marriage that she destroyed. As it is now, she is actively avoiding taking ownership. That is not going to work. He can get all the advice in the world, without her participation its going to fail.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Cajun said:


> My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years. About 2 months ago she revealed to me that on the day before our wedding her former boyfriend of 2 years showed up at her house and asked to talk. She agreed and he took her to a secluded place where she allowed him to perform oral sex on her. This was like a stab through the heart and I got extremely upset. She couldn't understand my reaction. She said that it happened 47 years ago and since we've had a very happy marriage since then it shouldn't matter. To me, when she told me, it was like it had just happened. We've had several discussions about it where I've tried to express my hurt but I told her I forgive her. I know that the happiness that she has given me over our 47 years should make up for it yet, deep down, the hurt won't go away. I told her the main thing I would like to know in order to get closure on this is "Why did you let him to that". Her reply is "I don't know". I've tried several times to get an answer but she keeps saying she doesn't know. She's now gotten angry that I won't let it go and has said she does not want to talk about it anymore even to the point of suggesting that we go our separate ways if I can't forgive her which I've already told her I already have. I do not hold any ill feelings towards her...it just hurts that she would have done that the day before our wedding. Had I found out then, we probably wouldn't be married. All I want is to understand why and to get over the hurt.


Started the discussion with a bang, and no replies yet after 100 posts from us?

Why bring the ball to the field, kick it, and then disappear?

This makes no sense🤔


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Too many idjits have thrown out she's nothing but a cheatin' sl$t, ho, cheater and advised him to D his W immediately, which is really self righteous stupidity showing itself, not consideration for the OP.


Now you know why I have learned to stay out of these debates.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sfort said:


> If she cheated 45 years ago, would that be ok?
> If she cheated 35 years ago, would that be ok?
> If she cheated 25 years ago, would that be ok?
> If she cheated 15 years ago, would that be ok?
> ...


Context doesn’t count for Jack squat at “I Do”. Anything after that is screw you... we are officially getting divorced and I could care less about it being 100 years ago.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Bibi1031 said:


> Started the discussion with a bang, and no replies yet after 100 posts from us?
> 
> Why bring the ball to the field, kick it, and then disappear?
> 
> This makes no sense🤔


Maybe he’s at work on the bayou catching alligators.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think it would be v sad if this marriage ended over this, they have probably got children and grandchildren who would also all be hurt by a divorce. However his wife will need to understand that while she has known about this for a v long time, he has just found out. He will need a long time to be able to move past it. It would be such a shame if her refusal to accept how hurt he is and to support him in this led to divorce.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I think the most BS excuse is "young and dumb". You can be young and dumb and still know right and wrong.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

A few thing may have brought this on.

One of their children got a DNA test and told Mom, but told her not to tell Dad, since we know "mommas baby pappas maybe"

The OM died and someone told WW and she felt guilty about it or loss or sadness.

The WW came to a realization that her BH was always a plan B in her mind, though she knew she was alway plan A in BH mind so she stayed. 

From the BHs perspective we don't know if performing oral on his WW was something BH loved to do but she didn't allow it or enjoy it from him. There is a level of intimacy with oral which surpasses many of kinds of sex.

The WW was in contact with OM for years.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Be carefully with marriage counseling if you go that route a lot are notorious rug sweepers and can cause more harm than good..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think it would be v sad if this marriage ended over this, they have probably got children and grandchildren who would also all be hurt and damaged by a divorce. However his wife will need to understand that while she has known about this for a v long time, he has just found out. He will need a long time to be able to move past it. It would be such a shame if her refusal to accept how hurt he is and to support him in this led to the marriage ending after all this time.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Be carefully with marriage counseling if you go that route a lot are notorious rug sweepers and can cause more harm than good..


You are probably correct here, but we need to realize that when couples attend MC, the professional aims at repairing the marriage AKA reconciliation between the partners. 

What we here call rug sweeping is not that at all, but avoiding distractions that bring in hurt, confusion, distress, resentment, etc. That steers the married couple from achieving the goal of reconciling the marriage. It serves no positive purpose towards achieving the goal that brought them there. 

IC for both partners is much better until both partners clearly know that they wish to reconcile. Only then will MC be the best option.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Context doesn’t count for Jack squat at “I Do”. Anything after that is screw you... we are officially getting divorced and I could care less about it being 100 years ago.


After the words I do, is a different scenario. If you thinks it's not, hey that's ok too.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Al_Bundy said:


> I think the most BS excuse is "young and dumb". You can be young and dumb and still know right and wrong.


The most BS reasoning is expecting that between 13 and 25 yrs of age every decision involving hormones and good judgement will be based on what is right.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The most BS reasoning is expecting that between 13 and 25 yrs of age every decision involving hormones and good judgement will be based on what is right.


Who said anything about 13? And yeah by 25 you should know what is wrong and right, that's a pretty low bar.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She did it the night before the wedding. The more I think about it, the more I can’t wrap my head around it. I can see why OP can’t let it go.

It’s not that it was a mistake, not that she may not have regretted it. It’s that what sane person even has temptation to screw their ex on the eve of their wedding.

The more I think about it, if it wasn’t for 47 years of happy marriage, I’d think she was a monster.

It’s incomprehensible what she did.

Em would also ask why she is telling him now, and have apprehension about the accuracy of her answer. 

Her accept it or GTFO is not exactly endearing either.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Al_Bundy said:


> Who said anything about 13? And yeah by 25 you should know what is wrong and right, that's a pretty low bar.


Yes, one should. But everyone has made perfect decisions in their 20s.

Not.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> *Her accept it or GTFO is not exactly endearing either*.


If this was a quick goto, it is indeed a sign of there are added/ and accompanying serious issues in the M and a cause for concern.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sex with someone else the day before your wedding doesn't require years of experience to know that's a bad decision. To pretend else is just rationalizing after the fact


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Waldo, oh Waldo....... Wherefore art thou Waldo???


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Waldo, oh Waldo....... Wherefore art thou Waldo???


Are your Spidey senses still tingling? Mine have been since you used those words many posts ago, and made me aware that my support was a bit flawd when you "fixed" my quote.

I think we are in agreement here and no need to fix our quotes right?

You rock Conan the Barbarian!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> Indeed. We are on his side, but not all of us are OK with his decision. Some want to treat his WS like a run of the mill type of cheater and this particular case is not that ordinary. We can't lynch her so to speak.
> 
> @Cajun:
> She confessed. She wasn't outed. Her confession came 47 years later, but look at the confession very closely.
> ...


She can’t help? Or won’t help?

She drops this bombshell now he’s gotta make sure he doesn’t hurt poor muffins feelings?

********.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> She can’t help? Or won’t help?
> 
> She drops this bombshell now he’s gotta make sure he doesn’t hurt poor muffins feelings?
> 
> ******.


Probably both.

Muffins feelings? You don't beat around the bush for sure! I really admire that. 👍


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Why muffin didn't say, well you do taste good, and have her right then right there on the table to show he's still rockin her world like the last 47 years and more to come, is a mystery.

Addressed and solved, let it go.

Again, I say, barring other info that OP hasn't shared - if she's been a terrible W.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Looks like the OP ran for the hills


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Looks like the OP ran for the hills


I can't blame him. When she told him this it probably triggered all the questionable things that have ever happened in his marriage. Girls trips, trips to see her "mom", etc.....


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> I can't blame him. When she told him this it probably triggered all the questionable things that have ever happened in his marriage. Girls trips, trips to see her "mom", etc.....


That was the worse!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Looks like the OP ran for the hills


To be fair, he only posted seven hours ago. He may have a job. Not everyone logs in every day, particularly newbies.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sfort said:


> To be fair, he only posted seven hours ago. He may have a job. Not everyone logs in every day, particularly newbies.


True. We shall see


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Sfort said:


> To be fair, he only posted seven hours ago. He may have a job. Not everyone logs in every day, particularly newbies.


Dunno. He posted and replies came flying in immediately. Not coming back to see the advise given is very odd when you post in the right forum and not the usual newbie forum. 

Coping with infidelity is a very touchy forum. If you post here, you definitely want help ASAP. He got overwhelming amounts of responses/help. You don't find it odd that he took the time to find the right forum where one gets tons of responses/help and just quickly disappear? 

It frankly does not compute. 

@Cajun: 

Come back dude! We don't want to run you off. We truly wanna help if you really want the help.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> Dunno. He posted and replies came flying in immediately. Not coming back to see the advise given is very odd when you post in the right forum and not the usual newbie forum.
> 
> Coping with infidelity is a very touchy forum. If you post here, you definitely want help ASAP. He got overwhelming amounts of responses/help. You don't find it odd that he took the time to find the right forum where one gets tons of responses/help and just quickly disappear?
> 
> ...


True, sometimes we know the truth but still don't want to face it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> It frankly does not compute.


Not everyone sits in front of their computers all day logged into TAM. Time will tell. He hasn't logged in since he posted. He may have been able to read the responses without logging in, but that's pure speculation.

The thread will have value for others, even if he doesn't return. This thread has been somewhat unique in that some posters who normally agree are disagreeing to the point the they are calling others names, like "idjits". Me thinks someone doth protesteth too much.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Hi @Cajun,
> Well as usual, the regulars at TAM are arguing with each other rather than talking to you,


Lol! 

You gotta admit though, despite the horror of what OP is going through right now, the ongoing debate/discussion/argument is absolutely fascinating. 

If it isn't mirroring the back and forth thoughts in OP's mind, it surely is mirroring mine and my partner's, wondering what would be fair to expect OP to do in this scenario, what we would do etc...


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Waywards seem to think time nullifies the deed if they wait long enough to confess. My aunt died 4 years ago from Alzheimer's . She got diagnosed 5 years prior. The day she got diagnosed, she confessed a year long affair with a coworker when she was in her mid forties. At the time of her confession, she was 71. My uncle was crushed by this and though he took care of her during her illness, I don't believe he forgave her and I don't believe he really grieved after she died. I am sure she felt the need to get what she did off her chest but, she destroyed a man in the process. They were married 55 years.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You do not have to think that she was right to also think that, after 47 years of a solid marriage (how many of you here are even remotely close to that?) she deserves forgiveness.

People seem to excel at denying others the forgiveness they wish upon themselves when the shoe is on the other foot.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Waywards seem to think time nullifies the deed if they wait long enough to confess. My aunt died 4 years ago from Alzheimer's . She got diagnosed 5 years prior. The day she got diagnosed, she confessed a year long affair with a coworker when she was in her mid forties. At the time of her confession, she was 71. My uncle was crushed by this and though he took care of her during her illness, I don't believe he forgave her and I don't believe he really grieved after she died. I am sure she felt the need to get what she did off her chest but, she destroyed a man in the process. They were married 55 years.


Exactly, it's like the confession was more about hurting the other person one last time.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Waywards seem to think time nullifies the deed if they wait long enough to confess. My aunt died 4 years ago from Alzheimer's . She got diagnosed 5 years prior. The day she got diagnosed, she confessed a year long affair with a coworker when she was in her mid forties. At the time of her confession, she was 71. My uncle was crushed by this and though he took care of her during her illness, I don't believe he forgave her and I don't believe he really grieved after she died. I am sure she felt the need to get what she did off her chest but, she destroyed a man in the process. They were married 55 years.


Then, with her confession, she set your uncle free to seek solace and company when she passed. She killed two birds with one stone no? ( add Tongue in cheek emoji here).

A whole year cheating in her mid forties= midlife crisis to me. Definitely not an exit affair at midlife. BIG difference and worthy of a separate discussion


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

At this point, this is all just academic (and of diminishing usefulness) unless/until OP decides to reengage.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> At this point, this is all just academic (and of diminishing usefulness) unless/until OP decides to reengage.


True. OP probably feels like his whole life was a lie. Hard to engage others from that position.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Looks like the OP ran for the hills


You mean paddle his pirouge off into the swamp. There ain’t no hills down there.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> You mean paddle his pirouge off into the swamp. There ain’t no hills down there.


🤣🤣😆😆


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

OP, I understand, completely. My wife had a similar fling just 2 weeks prior to our marriage. She told me about it on the eve of our wedding. So, unlike you, I knew it happened. Like you, however, she has never been able to tell me why it happened. Not even 37 years later. So, I understand how you feel lost.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Did you forgive her completely? Has she been a loving, faithful wife throughout your marriage?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Why did she confess after all these years???


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Can we please not make jokes about a persons situation before they have fully explained it, this is not a trivial matter to him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> Can we please not make jokes about a persons situation before they have fully explained it, this is not a trivial matter to him.


 Just so everyone knows I’m actually a Cajun from “down the bayou”. I was chased out to Texas by hurricane Katrina a long time ago. I’m pulling his leg and don’t worry.... we might even be related. 😜


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aaronj said:


> OP, I understand, completely. My wife had a similar fling just 2 weeks prior to our marriage. She told me about it on the eve of our wedding. So, unlike you, I knew it happened. Like you, however, she has never been able to tell me why it happened. Not even 37 years later. So, I understand how you feel lost.


???????

Were you both sane?

That would seem to be a show stopper.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> That would seem to be a show stopper.


But not everyone has the same emotional attachment to sex that we do. Some people call it Sport ****ing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> But not everyone has the same emotional attachment to sex that we do. Some people call it Sport ****ing.


It's not even totally emotional with me.

Self control and strength are necessary traits for me.

I'm not actually a traditionally jealous man but I'm sexually territorial and require my mate to be in control of herself.

I also require respect.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> It's not even totally emotional with me.
> 
> Self control and strength are necessary traits for me.
> 
> ...


That is why I dumped my X like a hot potato. I'm territorial and demand respect too because after all, one must have dignity and self respect to carry our God given spine on our backs. 

Others may be different. Different strokes for different folks.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> Then, with her confession, she set your uncle free to seek solace and company when she passed. She killed two birds with one stone no? ( add Tongue in cheek emoji here).
> 
> A whole year cheating in her mid forties= midlife crisis to me. Definitely not an exit affair at midlife. BIG difference and worthy of a separate discussion


Funny you should say that. She wasn't even out of the oven right and he was chatting up a lady he met at a farmer's market kind of place. Took her to coffee a few times before realizing dating at his age wasn't for him. My aunt was a very prim and proper lady. Kind of prudish really and the last one you'd ever associate with an affair. To say I was shocked when I heard would be a major understatement.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

aaronj said:


> OP, I understand, completely. My wife had a similar fling just 2 weeks prior to our marriage. She told me about it on the eve of our wedding. So, unlike you, I knew it happened. Like you, however, she has never been able to tell me why it happened. Not even 37 years later. So, I understand how you feel lost.


Uh.................... WHAT??????????????
You...............
Still..............
Married her?????????????????

Gotta tell more about this story, and surely nobody could consider this a thread jack, but rather direct reievance to OP’s case and how to get past it.

This has got to be a rare thing, surely.... hopefully..... my mind is blown.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

aaronj said:


> OP, I understand, completely. My wife had a similar fling just 2 weeks prior to our marriage. She told me about it on the eve of our wedding. So, unlike you, I knew it happened. Like you, however, she has never been able to tell me why it happened. Not even 37 years later. So, I understand how you feel lost.


Your muffin is no different than @Cajun's muffin. Affaircare told him the answer and @sokillme told you that exact same answer nine or so months ago. 

The why is because they wanted to. I would like to add that because they could as well. 

You two forgive and stay because you want to as well and also because you can. The majority of us that were betrayed wanted to stay but couldn't because we can't respect nor trust, our WS anymore.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

I'm sure that someone in this disaster of a thread, which I ain't reading 'cause 8 ****ing pages, but, someone is LYING. Either the OP is lying, or his missus is lying. Seriously! Days before the wedding, and some "boyfriend" just eats the ***** out? Was he a Harlequin cover model? A Scottish-Cowboy-Billionaire-Handyman-ChildlessWidower?

Pull the other one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Your muffin is no different than @Cajun's muffin. Affaircare told him the answer and @sokillme told you that exact same answer nine or so months ago.
> 
> The why is because they wanted to. I would like to add that because they could as well.
> 
> You two forgive and stay because you want to as well and also because you can. The majority of us that were betrayed wanted to stay but couldn't because we can't respect nor trust, our WS anymore.


And after a time a lot of us realized that what we wanted was something that would never exist anymore, at least with that person, so we left to find it with someone else.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

sokillme said:


> . What seems much more reasonable to me is that they had an ongoing parallel relationship which begs the question how long was it going on and did it go on after your marriage?



this is exactly what i was thinking. OP (Cajun) - think back to the early years of your marriage.

You gave us little info to go on. 

1. 47 years later. Guilt eating her up. You've been a good husband, solid provider, steady guy. She respects you for that. She didn't expect your reaction.

2. There is more to this. What was your dating life like? were you the gentlemanly man? Going by the female dating playbook you were taught. Didn't pressure her. The basic steady all-around nice guy. You got the peck on the cheek and make-out sessions. Its possible that while you were the steady marriage material guy she was having sex with the other guy regularly. She didn't want you to see her as easy so she didn't put out for you or made it very difficult. Did she refer to this guy as an A-hole? She didn't mean it like you thought she did. this is female psychology 101. And my guess is you don't know it.

3, you viewed her as a virtuous one-man woman in which you were her everything. this hurts. Now you have a new world view. She's not the unicorn you thought she was. 

4. Were there periods of strife early in the marriage or by year 7 or so. Did she go cold? You couldn't understand what in the hell was wrong. She held back intimacy for a long time. You thought she wasn't interested in sex anymore? You as the stoic man that you are rode it out. She eventually bounced back after a fairly long while.

5. What about the first two years of the marriage. How far did the old bf live. Was he still a 'friend' and you were ok with it? Was she a stay-at-home mom. You had 100 percent faith in her.
This may be where the real guilt lies that she's feeling now. Her sexual relationship may have continued at this point depending on her values, views on marriage etc.. Is she carefree. Flirty. Likes male attention. If yes, the odds are high it continued.

At least she has guilt. Most cheaters could care less. Im not saying that this is what happened but you have to think it through. Hell, you were out-providing for your family. This didn't even cross your mind. Why should it. You put the ring on her finger - right. I'm sorry to say it doesn't work that way with some women when they've got the 'feelings'.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Cajun said:


> She agreed and he took her to a secluded place where she allowed him to perform oral sex on her.



She didn't know the guy's intentions I suppose. Hey, it just happened. Women always understand what's going on in these circumstances. Always!

the reason you not getting the whole story (you probably never will) is because she doesn't want to 'hurt' you. This is why she withheld so many years.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

manowar said:


> this is exactly what i was thinking. OP (Cajun) - think back to the early years of your marriage.
> 
> You gave us little info to go on.
> 
> ...


Interesting


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Wow. 160 posts and @Cajun is prolly still at work eh? 15 hour shift ya think? 

I'm not waiting up for you dude. Fix yourself a sammich and you can sleep on the couch... 😂.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Cajun said:


> My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years. About 2 months ago she revealed to me that on the day before our wedding her former boyfriend of 2 years showed up at her house and asked to talk. She agreed and he took her to a secluded place where she allowed him to perform oral sex on her. This was like a stab through the heart and I got extremely upset. She couldn't understand my reaction. She said that it happened 47 years ago and since we've had a very happy marriage since then it shouldn't matter. To me, when she told me, it was like it had just happened. We've had several discussions about it where I've tried to express my hurt but I told her I forgive her. I know that the happiness that she has given me over our 47 years should make up for it yet, deep down, the hurt won't go away. I told her the main thing I would like to know in order to get closure on this is "Why did you let him to that". Her reply is "I don't know". I've tried several times to get an answer but she keeps saying she doesn't know. She's now gotten angry that I won't let it go and has said she does not want to talk about it anymore even to the point of suggesting that we go our separate ways if I can't forgive her which I've already told her I already have. I do not hold any ill feelings towards her...it just hurts that she would have done that the day before our wedding. Had I found out then, we probably wouldn't be married. All I want is to understand why and to get over the hurt.


WTF???? What a totally ****ing disturbing story! This poor guy just had a nuke dropped on what he has thought his marriage was for 47 years! The fact that she cheated on OP the day before the wedding is not even the most disturbing part. No, the most disturbing part (and the reason that OP is really upset the most) is the ***** summarily shut him down from wanting to know more. She drops this bomb on him and then doesn't want to discuss it?? The OP has got to be sitting there, thinking to himself, I've been married 47 years, to a complete f'ng stranger! He wants, terribly, to know more; to understand more. And the ***** cheating wife, has no empathy for the man that she has been with for 47 years. WTF? And then she threatens D if he continues wanting answers? If it were my wife who did this to me, I would call her bluff by calling a lawyer and then see how she views the prospect of being alone in her twilight years. She is abandoning him emotionally. Either she is an absolute, utter imbecile, OR there is much, MUCH more to her story and she is terrified to tell it. Which, is exactly why the threat of D is a bluff to get him to shut up about it, and fall in line. Talk about no respect. The dude is completely distraught, wondering who the hell this woman is that is in his house, claiming to be his wife. I hope he returns so that we can help validate what he is thinking and feeling. HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW!!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Rushwater said:


> WTF???? What a totally f'ng disturbing story! This poor guy just had a nuke dropped on what he has thought his marriage was for 47 years! The fact that she cheated on OP the day before the wedding is not even the most disturbing part. *No, the most disturbing part (and the reason that OP is really upset the most) is the b!tch summarily shut him down from wanting to know more. She drops this bomb on him and then doesn't want to discuss it?? The OP has got to be sitting there, thinking to himself, I've been married 47 years, to a complete f'ng stranger! He wants, terribly, to know more; to understand more. And the b!tch cheating wife, has no empathy for the man that she has been with for 47 years. WTF? And then she threatens D if he continues wanting answers? * If it were my wife who did this to me, I would call her bluff by calling a lawyer and then see how she views the prospect of being alone in her twilight years. She is abandoning him emotionally. Either she is an absolute, utter imbecile, OR there is much, MUCH more to her story and she is terrified to tell it. Which, is exactly why the threat of D is a bluff to get him to shut up about it, and fall in line. Talk about no respect. The dude is completely distraught, wondering who the hell this woman is that is in his house, claiming to be his wife. I hope he returns so that we can help validate what he is thinking and feeling. HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW!!!!


True, very good point, putting aside the 'loving half century', rather remorseless.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What I find even more rude than the bombs she dropped is for her to state that she isn’t talking about it anymore! How totally disrespectful!!!

She unloaded her guilt onto you and expects not to discuss it? That’s NOT a good marriage!

She should be willing to discuss it HONESTLY as long as YOU need to!

If she won’t get counseling with you - divorce her. She’s lying when she says she doesn’t know why she did it. She did it because she wanted to. She also wasn’t willing to consider how much it would hurt you. She’s selfish.

And I bet it was way more involved than what she confessed! She is minimizing.

Why did she choose now to unload her conscience? 

Does she not realize how new this is for you and how much she hurt you? Is she that self centered?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A lot of people here are making so many assumptions about this lady and jumping to so many conclusions. Sometimes people do just act stupidly once. It seems that their marriage has weathered the test of time with no cheating for 43 years so I hope they can work through it. 
She does need to be far more understanding though.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rushwater said:


> WTF???? What a totally ****ing disturbing story! This poor guy just had a nuke dropped on what he has thought his marriage was for 47 years! The fact that she cheated on OP the day before the wedding is not even the most disturbing part. No, the most disturbing part (and the reason that OP is really upset the most) is the ***** summarily shut him down from wanting to know more. She drops this bomb on him and then doesn't want to discuss it?? The OP has got to be sitting there, thinking to himself, I've been married 47 years, to a complete ****ing stranger! He wants, terribly, to know more; to understand more. And the ***** cheating wife, has no empathy for the man that she has been with for 47 years. WTF? And then she threatens D if he continues wanting answers? If it were my wife who did this to me, I would call her bluff by calling a lawyer and then see how she views the prospect of being alone in her twilight years. She is abandoning him emotionally. Either she is an absolute, utter imbecile, OR there is much, MUCH more to her story and she is terrified to tell it. Which, is exactly why the threat of D is a bluff to get him to shut up about it, and fall in line. Talk about no respect. The dude is completely distraught, wondering who the hell this woman is that is in his house, claiming to be his wife. I hope he returns so that we can help validate what he is thinking and feeling. HE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW!!!!


And here we go.

So calling her a *****, all throughout your post helps OP how?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> At this point, this is all just academic (and of diminishing usefulness) unless/until OP decides to reengage.


Very true. If he does return he has a complete spectrum of responses that's for sure. 

Seeing such a wide example of the human condition in this case is liable to help his emotional state somewhat so it would be a shame if he doesn't stop by.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> A lot of people here are making so many assumptions about this lady and jumping to so many conclusions. Sometimes people do just act stupidly once. It seems that their marriage has weathered the test of time with no cheating for 43 years so I hope they can work through it.
> She does need to be far more understanding though.


We don't know if there were no cheating for the last 43 years do we? If she hid this she is capable of hiding other things. But what is strange to me is that if she did do more than the ex pleasing her, why would she drop this bomb? She should know that her husband would almost certainly ask more questions about what happened between her and her ex. So a part of me thinks that the ex just gave her oral and that was it. Usually unlikely but seems to fit here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think we might need to cool it until @Cajun returns.

@Cajun, we are here for you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Of course she knows why she did it - she wanted to have one last fling before committing to you (and I am not even sure about that - you need to check to see if this was the only time she was unfaithful).

As others have asked what is the reason she told you now? And I cannot buy the "guilt was eating at her" story - maybe she felt safe in telling you because she thought that after 47 years you would not leave and maybe she even wanted to prep the way for other revelations.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> A lot of people here are making so many assumptions about this lady and jumping to so many conclusions. Sometimes people do just act stupidly once. It seems that their marriage has weathered the test of time with no cheating for 43 years so I hope they can work through it.
> She does need to be far more understanding though.


Hey, I get it. One last fling before vows (although, I wouldn't tolerate from my spouse). But if she has given him so many years of happiness, why now drop this bomb and then clam up and tell him that she will D if he does not drop it? Does that sound like a loving, caring wife to you? Not to me, it doesn't. 



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And here we go.
> 
> So calling her a b!)ch, all throughout your post helps OP how?


This is how: He is trying to make sense of the madness of his wife dropping the bomb, and then not willing to answer questions. And then threatening D? No, she is exactly as how I framed her in my earlier post. And if my wife did the same to me, I would probably be calling her something much worse. He needs validation for how he feels. And he is correct to feel the way he does. But, hey, you're free to your opinion.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I think we might need to cool it until @Cajun returns.
> 
> @Cajun, we are here for you.


I hope he does return. This guy is hurting big time.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

OP didn't know about what happened before the wedding so who's to say she has been a faithful wife once married. 

I will say this, I have read some really outlandish comments on TAM, but to say this revelation is no big deal, to drop it, to go give her a hug, and than tell her thanks so much for telling me this after LYING about it for FORTY-SEVEN YEARS isn't just CRAZY but it's also HORRIBLE advice!!

I sure hope OP comes back because he's definitely going to need help sorting through this.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

A lie like this takes away someone's agency to make an informed choice about their life. It's fundamentally disrespectful and incredibly selfish. His wife knew when it happened that if she told her then fiance about it then he most likely would never have gone through with the wedding. Now she wants to pretend it's no big deal. The OP has every right to be angry at this betrayal and the fact that she's utterly without remorse makes it that much worse a transgression. I wonder how she's react if he said, "okay if it's no big deal then I'm sure you'll be fine with me telling everyone about it, including our kids." I can get you she'd carry a different tune right away. 
OP, if you are still reading this thread, you need to insist that your wife goes to MC with you as a condition for staying married. But first, you should get IC to help you deal with the trauma.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Rushwater said:


> I would call her bluff by calling a lawyer and then see how she views the prospect of being alone in her twilight years.


This is the correct move to get some idea of what occurred. 

Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to handle it. OP Mr. Cajun - if your reading and want to get some clarity stop confronting your wife from a position of weakness. This won't work. You need a better strategy.

There's a high probability that this is more than a one-off random. OP says he was happily married but that could mean anything. He thought he was happily married by getting up every morning, slugging off to work day after day, year after year just so he could continue to produce in order to serve others. That's what men are supposed to do dammit! This is the married man's function. That of producer/provisioner/even plow-horse. The mind plays funny tricks once he becomes conditioned to a certain set of beliefs.

I laid out some questions for him that might give him a possible timeline. From that, he could confront his wife as if he always knew about her dalliance/s to obtain an admission. 

On the other hand, maybe he doesn't want to know. Thats ok. He got married in 1974; perhaps its better to let sleeping dogs lie, shut the FK UP because she told him to, pretend the whole thing didn't happen, and that Mrs. Cajun is indeed a unicorn.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Rushwater said:


> No, the most disturbing part (and the reason that OP is really upset the most) is the *** summarily shut him down from wanting to know more. She drops this bomb on him and then doesn't want to discuss it??


The most disturbing part in this story is old Cajun wants to know why, why, why. Its simple. She figured she be with him until one of them buried the other and she wanted one last fling before she tied the knot. The good news is she wanted her last single girl f-ing by another guy before she said "I do" rather than thinking, "I'll get me some pecker on the side after I've got old Cajun corralled. I hate to break it to y'all but there are any number of brides that had one last fling days or hours before walking down the isle. A bigger question for m,if I was in Cajun's shoes, did she douche after she got home after her date. The other good news is she still wanted to marry Cajun after her ex gave her a shellacking so it must have not been all that great.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> The most disturbing part in this story is old Cajun wants to know why, why, why. Its simple. She figured she be with him until one of them buried the other and she wanted one last fling before she tied the knot. The good news is she wanted her last single girl f-ing by another guy before she said "I do" rather than thinking, "I'll get me some pecker on the side after I've got old Cajun corralled. I hate to break it to y'all but there are any number of brides that had one last fling days or hours before walking down the isle. A bigger question for m,if I was in Cajun's shoes, did she douche after she got home after her date. The other good news is she still wanted to marry Cajun after her ex gave her a shellacking so it must have not been all that great.


Yeah the why is always they wanted to because it felt good, but then also and

_- they knew they could_ -

but what I mean buy that is - they knew the spouse is the kind of person who would hem and haw but not have it in them to end the relationship, so they were pretty sure in the end they would be OK even if they did it.

They knew they could is - they knew their partner would let them get away with it and still stay with them.

I mean by now we have read this story enough to see the pattern of they type of cheating and the type of guy that gets cheated on that way. It's just so consistent.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> The most disturbing part in this story is old Cajun wants to know why, why, why. Its simple. *She figured *she be with him until one of them buried the other and she wanted one last fling before she tied the knot.


Yep. Simple as that. This is where mans' thinking tends to go off the rails, because they think that women think like we do. They don't.

Cajun thinks that there was some sort of calculus she reasoned through then made a positive decision to act. That she somehow weighed the costs and benefits. She was emotionally torn. that she thought of him. that he had a high position in her reasoning.

My disagreement with the above quote is where it says "She Figured". I don't think the reasoning even went that far. She did it because she wanted to. That's it. the opportunity presented itself. Women (especially women of her age at the time) don't think in terms of the future. They think in terms of the present. Right now. Hence, No Calculus; No Reasoning. Cajun wasn't a factor or variable in any thought process because there was no thought process. Plus he'd never know - no harm done. In philosophical terms, this is an act of the Will that has primacy over the intellect. Mrs. Cajun's answer to Why did she do it?, was "I don't know". Translated into guy speak, this means, "I wanted to". Cajun -- there's your answer.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I think we might need to cool it until @Cajun returns.
> 
> @Cajun, we are here for you.


Isn’t it time to close this unless the OP comes back? Too many assumptions. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Isn’t it time to close this unless the OP comes back? Too many assumptions.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Assumptions eh?
...One being that he would be back. 😉


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

The fact she drops this revelation on you out of the blue is very strange. It is also not a good sign that she suggests separation if you can't get over it. Wow, no remorse here. Does she want out of the marriage at this late date? I recommend in most affairs where the history is murky that the WS sit for a polygraph. Why she didn't take this story to her grave is not good. Was it done just to ease her conscience after all these years? The trade-off is that you now have to live with this betrayal. The time to be honest is well past its expiration date. Extremely selfish of the WW if that is all there is to the story. I suspect there is more, thus the reason for the polygraph.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

OP isn't coming back


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Isn’t it time to close this unless the OP comes back? Too many assumptions.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He has only been absent for a while. Poor chap has a lot to process.

But folks, please take general debates and unrelated, but fascinating, information about Cajun culture to the appropriate sections of TAM, please?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the bigger question is, WHY after 47 years does she tell you.
i am sure it was bugging her and felt good to get it off her chest.
but now the OP is devastated! She is a selfish coward, she should have taken that knowledge to the grave with her.


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## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It was wrong no doubt.
> 
> But consider that she was young and dumb (as we all have done certain dumb things when very young. That would explain that.
> 
> ...


Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How do you explain her complete lack of remorse in the present day?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cajun said:


> Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!


All these things are excuses to do this. You are defending her doing something that is honestly indefensible.
It’s your life. 47 years is pretty awesome. I’m jealous. 

BUT: Can you provide answers to reasonable questions?
Why did she tell you now? It’s been 47 years.
Why do you believe her as far as was this all?
Lastly, why do you think her response of “deal with it or we can just divorce” is acceptable??

Less importantly:
Have you been a doormat 47yrs due to your fear of losing her?
What’s the rest of the story of your marriage?
Cheated on the eve of your wedding? That doesn’t correlate to 47 yrs of happy marriage to me. I think it’s reasonable for anyone to have lots of questions about this. We do. You do. Why are there no answers?

Your wife seems totally cold to me from the way you describe her response.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> 47 years ago? 20 minutes of stupid by a 20 to 25 yo person before marriage wipes out 47 years of a good and healthy, loving marriage.
> 
> Not itrw, not ever, unless the H is looking for an excuse to divorce. And here, he says he's not.
> 
> ...


So, she lied RIGHT from the beginning of the marriage -- what makes you think she hasn't lied about a LOT of other things. You assume that she ONLY had oral before the wedding -- but lied for 47 YEARS about it. What else has she lied about in the marriage? Just because OP trusted her and would NEVER have suspected her to do this -- what ELSE could she have gotten away with.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Cajun I am going to suggest some counselling for you as an individual and perhaps as a couple, too?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cajun said:


> Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!


It is ultimately your call of course, I would have chose to act differently.

At the very least, you mentioned on your opening post that you do wish to find some answers. I do believe your wife owes that to you, and instead of *threatening to end the marriage* she should be there to help you heal. This part, I'm not sure even you can rug sweep forever otherwise you wouldn't have brought it up. You mentioned you forgive her, and communicated that to her, but you need to make sure she understands that she did this, and she needs to do her part as well to show accountability as a grown adult and marital partner.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Cajun said:


> Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!


@Cajun So glad you came back by. There's a wealth of info around the forum.

Hang in there, you'll make to the other side, in whatever the best answer for you in these circumstances looks like. Good for you. 

Peace and goodwill to you.

RR.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> How do you explain her complete lack of remorse in the present day?


You have no foundation that confirms the W has a complete lack of remorse. 

In this situation it seems like there is more opportunities for success than most, and it may be more productive in this case to build up ways to learn yet come through this with a stronger M, for @Cajun to take from the discussions.

He's shared a bit more. At 17 and 23 yrs old, and she was just out of HS, this is classic example of a bad choice when young and dumb.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

There's some advice with respect to forums....take what you need - leave the rest.

Getting married to you not just changed her life - but changed who she was.
She's a different person from that 17yo you married and she's proud of herself for who she is today.

She probably doesn't recognize or identify with that 17yo anymore. Telling you about what that girl did was like talking about another person. She underestimated your reaction.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

@Cajun, since you don't want to leave the marriage for a foolish act which took place half a century ago at a very young age, what are you planning to do to overcome your pain? Are planning to get help with some therapy? I don't remember if you are already going. It's a tough situation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You have no foundation that confirms the W has a complete lack of remorse.
> 
> In this situation it seems like there is more opportunities for success than most, and it may be more productive in this case to build up ways to learn yet come through this with a stronger M, for @Cajun to take from the discussions.
> 
> He's shared a bit more. At 17 and 23 yrs old, and she was just out of HS, this is classic example of a bad choice when young and dumb.


I do have a foundation to cite her complete lack of remorse in the present day. Read the first, opening post.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I do have a foundation to cite her complete lack of remorse in the present day. Read the first, opening post.


Read it. Doesn't say she has a complete lack of remorse. Doesn't describe she shows a complete lack of remorse.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Read it. Doesn't say she has a complete lack of remorse. Doesn't describe she shows a complete lack of remorse.


It does to me. I guess we interpret it differently.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am very glad to hear that you are not going to end such a long happy marriage for a stupid decision she made at age 17.
However I wonder if you would be helped by getting some MC. Hopefully they would be able to help her understand that despite the long time since she did this, for you it's new and very fresh in your mind. For you it's hurtful and that you need to be able to talk it through.


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## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It was wrong no doubt.
> 
> But consider that she was young and dumb (as we all have done certain dumb things when very young. That would explain that.
> 
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> All these things are excuses to do this. You are defending her doing something that is honestly indefensible.
> It’s your life. 47 years is pretty awesome. I’m jealous.
> 
> BUT: Can you provide answers to reasonable questions?
> ...


I hear what you're saying. l don't know the answers to those questions and yes it still bothers me. I want to believe that her response to "just deal with it", is her defense mechanism...after she saw my hurt, she apologized profusely. I believe her when she says she is so sorry for hurting me but since I keep bringing it up, she doesn't know what else to say or do. So I think it's her defense mechanism kicking in. I guess, at this point, I can only evaluate it from a "happiness" standpoint. So I've come to the conclusion that the real questions are, all things considered, how happy/content/satisfied has she made me feel for 47 years and how happy/content/satisfied does she make me feel today? I guess for me, ultimately, that's what matters. Maybe I am a sap, but looking back at all things about our life together, the love I have felt coming from her and her demeaner towards other people, I would truly bet my life that she has been faithful ever since she said "I do". I know, it's just a "gut feeling", there are no certainties, but that's where I'm coming out. Ragnar provided me what I needed, an assessment/opinion from a uninvolved third party of what I WANT to believe. So at this point in my life, 71 years old, with Ragnar's affirmation that this is a reasonable explanation. I'm going with that. Again, maybe I'm being a sap or a doormat. If that's the case, then so be it, because for 47 years since the "I do", I have absolutely no doubt that she's loved me. Thanks to this discussion I think I've achieved closure.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He has already explained that he understands what happened. She has been a great wife for 47 years. 

He understands that the "WHY" is just background noise in the scheme of a 47 year happy life.

He found his response and I am very glad he chose to truly forgive.

Thank you for coming back with such an uplifting update @Cajun.

The love and now also the honest forgiveness you are gifting your wife shows your solid character. You are a good man. You deserve peace and enjoyment of all these years you two built a solid relationship. 

Take care and may peace always be with you and yours![/QUOTE]


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Cajun said:


> Thanks to this discussion I think I've achieved closure.


Translation: I'm not going to answer your questions.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Sfort said:


> Translation: I'm not going to answer your questions.


He read the responses. He took the advise that best helped him. He tossed the rest. That is what we are supposed to do in a forum like TAM. 


He is done, and his resolve is what's best for him and his wife. 

A 47 year marriage has weathered this storm. That is great and very hopeful news.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> He read the responses. He took the advise that best helped him.


No, he took the minority advice that agreed with him. 



> A 47 year marriage has weathered this storm.


I doubt it. She has permanently scarred their relationship. Maybe he will get past it, maybe he won't. I'd bet most of us here hope that he does. He's chosen a path of "Ignore it and it will go away", like my grandmother did with her cancer, may she rest in peace.

His answers to questions asked here might be helpful to other people who read this thread in the future. The forum is supposed to be give and take.

Oh, well. C'est la vie.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I think he got almost every perspective on this almost immediately after the event, which has helped him settle his mind.

Something most of us did not get.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If the OP is able to whether the storm, that's great. Hopefully his boat he won't sink later on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cajun said:


> I hear what you're saying. l don't know the answers to those questions and yes it still bothers me. I want to believe that her response to "just deal with it", is her defense mechanism...after she saw my hurt, she apologized profusely. I believe her when she says she is so sorry for hurting me but since I keep bringing it up, she doesn't know what else to say or do. So I think it's her defense mechanism kicking in. I guess, at this point, I can only evaluate it from a "happiness" standpoint. So I've come to the conclusion that the real questions are, all things considered, how happy/content/satisfied has she made me feel for 47 years and how happy/content/satisfied does she make me feel today? I guess for me, ultimately, that's what matters. Maybe I am a sap, but looking back at all things about our life together, the love I have felt coming from her and her demeaner towards other people, I would truly bet my life that she has been faithful ever since she said "I do". I know, it's just a "gut feeling", there are no certainties, but that's where I'm coming out. Ragnar provided me what I needed, an assessment/opinion from a uninvolved third party of what I WANT to believe. So at this point in my life, 71 years old, with Ragnar's affirmation that this is a reasonable explanation. I'm going with that. Again, maybe I'm being a sap or a doormat. If that's the case, then so be it, because for 47 years since the "I do", I have absolutely no doubt that she's loved me. Thanks to this discussion I think I've achieved closure.


jmo.
I’d feel very similarly to you. I’d be beyond hurt. I’d want answers. She’s stonewalling you. Look up the term. 
If you feel she’s never cheated, you may be right. She would have been distant with you or stopped having sexual with you for a while, because r most likely some other sign you’d have picked up on.

It still bothers you. You’ve chosen to rugsweep this. That may very well be successful, if you can compartmentalize it and choke it down. I suspect it’s gong to eat in you and come up again in an argument.
The smart thing to do would go talk to a therapist or someone accustomed to dealing with these things and get to a point that you can get a handle on it.
But either way, if you’ve truly gotten closure, I wish you luck. 
Once again, I’m very jealous you have a wife you love of 47 years. Few people do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cajun said:


> I hear what you're saying. l don't know the answers to those questions and yes it still bothers me. I want to believe that her response to "just deal with it", is her defense mechanism...after she saw my hurt, she apologized profusely. I believe her when she says she is so sorry for hurting me but since I keep bringing it up, she doesn't know what else to say or do. So I think it's her defense mechanism kicking in. I guess, at this point, I can only evaluate it from a "happiness" standpoint. So I've come to the conclusion that the real questions are, all things considered, how happy/content/satisfied has she made me feel for 47 years and how happy/content/satisfied does she make me feel today? I guess for me, ultimately, that's what matters. Maybe I am a sap, but looking back at all things about our life together, the love I have felt coming from her and her demeaner towards other people, I would truly bet my life that she has been faithful ever since she said "I do". I know, it's just a "gut feeling", there are no certainties, but that's where I'm coming out. Ragnar provided me what I needed, an assessment/opinion from a uninvolved third party of what I WANT to believe. So at this point in my life, 71 years old, with Ragnar's affirmation that this is a reasonable explanation. I'm going with that. Again, maybe I'm being a sap or a doormat. If that's the case, then so be it, because for 47 years since the "I do", I have absolutely no doubt that she's loved me. Thanks to this discussion I think I've achieved closure.


Glad you were not a drive by poster and I'm glad you feel closure.

No one path is a fit for everyone. If I was in your shoes, I don't think I would leave her either but I would require her to talk about it and she would probably get a spankin or two out of the deal.😉

I'm glad @Ragnar Ragnasson , the old rascal, had the path you needed.😁🤠


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Glad you were not a drive by poster and I'm glad you feel closure.
> 
> No one path is a fit for everyone. If I was in your shoes, I don't think I would leave her either but I would require her to talk about it and she would probably get a spankin or two out of the deal.😉


There appears to be more to the story. Cajun posted other information in another thread. It's not particularly related to the deception, but it's related to the marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> There appears to be more to the story. Cajun posted other information in another thread. It's not particularly related to the deception, but it's related to the marriage.


And he is still staying...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> And he is still staying...


Well, that's okay. It's his choice. I can understand getting past something stupid she did 47 years ago. My issue is her concealing it (plus other things, likely) for so long. Why tell now? That's what a lot of us struggle with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> There appears to be more to the story. Cajun posted other information in another thread. It's not particularly related to the deception, but it's related to the marriage.


Yup. It sounds remarkably similar to another new poster.

Good discussions anyway.😉


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Cajun, glad you came back.

Why don't you take Ragnar's advice and just go give your wife a hug and let all of this go. 

Maybe go take her for ice cream afterwards and the two of you can share a big laugh about her betrayal and lying about it for 47 years. Nothing to see here....move along.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Cajun

Good luck, I just hope by letting it go without seeking some healing, that this scene isn't you coming back to this thread in the future (at 1 min mark):






We will be here of course even if the boat sinks. All the best.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sideways said:


> Cajun, glad you came back.
> 
> Why don't you take Ragnar's advice and just go give your wife a hug and let all of this go.
> 
> Maybe go take her for ice cream afterwards and the two of you can share a big laugh about her betrayal and lying about it for 47 years. Nothing to see here....move along.


lol indeed.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

That’s my fellow Cajun right there! Your gonna make it. Leave that junk behind in your rear view mirror. Outside of that one little misdemeanor of a VERY young girl the truth is that everyone could be envious of your loving and long lasting marriage. I’m glad your working towards the healing you need. Hang in there !!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Cajun said:


> And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do.


Cajun, in all honesty, and in all the good times and the joy this woman has given you, do your really give a rats azz, 47 years later, about what she done before she became your wife? As I understand it, the chick was 17. A 17 year old chick ain't gonna be able to tell you what was going on in her head 47 years later. She allowed the kid certain liberties and that's the best you're going to get. Who knows, her slip up may had made her a better wife with tighter boundaries. If you could go back a change it, it could very well change the dynamics of your marriage. Don let dis drive you motier foux Boo.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Due to all the stress she has caused i think you deserve a new ride....or several new guns you have been thinking about.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Well Cajun,

I am a little older than you, and I've been married over 50 years, so listen to your elder! 

I was a fraternity boy in the 60's (think Animal House). I can guarantee you there were some things that I did that would make that movie look tame.

Sometimes I feel the approach of the grim reaper, and I think maybe I ought to lighten my soul. Then I think, that might make me feel better but it would kick the hell out of my loved ones. I bite my tongue and go on with my life. It's my cross to bear.

And you know what? I'll bet that there are maybe some things that I don't know about my mate of 50+ years. I don't want to hear it. 

We have conquered life. We have children that went through tough times and grandchildren that are dealing with life. We have lost many loved ones, and at our age we seem to hear almost weekly of the passing of people we have known all our lives.

i am sorry that your wife felt the need to unburden herself, she should have taken it to the grave. 

But Cajun, you two have conquered life together. You have come out on top. I'll bet in 47 years you have faced some pretty tough times together, and I would have to believe that she has had your back many times when you really needed it.

There are a lot of people on TAM that have been through some pretty tough times and have healed, and there are some that have never truly healed and are pretty bitter.

But, we all try to help people get through tough times and we can beat you with some pretty hard 2 X 4's. Some folks need that. Sometimes we put the wood to each other. I wield a pretty big bat myself sometimes.... but we all mean well, and we want to help those who are devastated by some some pretty unbelievable sh1t.

I do think you need to get some individual counseling to help yourself heal. I think you sound like you have a good handle on this, but like I say, it wouldn't hurt to see a professional to talk this through. 

Good luck young man


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## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Translation: I'm not going to answer your questions.





skerzoid said:


> Well Cajun,
> 
> I am a little older than you, and I've been married over 50 years, so listen to your elder!
> 
> ...


Skerzoid, that was one of the questions she asked me after she saw my reaction. She asked "Would you wish I hadn't told you?". My answer was "Yes" (I wish you hadn't told me). So you are right on.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Cajun said:


> She asked "Would you wish I hadn't told you?". My answer was "Yes" (I wish you hadn't told me). So you are right on.


But why did she tell you after 47 years? It makes no sense based on the information you've provided. 

By the way, thanks for coming back to the thread. A lot of new posters read back through old threads. You have posted about a situation that doesn't occur that often. Providing your input to some of the questions asked will help make this thread a useful reference for others.


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## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> jmo.
> I’d feel very similarly to you. I’d be beyond hurt. I’d want answers. She’s stonewalling you. Look up the term.
> If you feel she’s never cheated, you may be right. She would have been distant with you or stopped having sexual with you for a while, because r most likely some other sign you’d have picked up on.
> 
> ...


That's my biggest fear right now going forward...in a heated argument I'll bring it back up. Believe it or not, we don't have many of those anymore. We've both mellowed with age. But if it does happen, we'll try to deal with it like we have all of our other marriage conflicts.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Please elaborate on how her confession came about.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Please elaborate on how her confession came about.


I'm more curious about that than anything else.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes this was one of my first questions. Under what conditions did she suddenly decide to come clean and enlighten you?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Cajun said:


> My wife and I have been very happily married for 47 years. About 2 months ago she revealed to me that on the day before our wedding her former boyfriend of 2 years showed up at her house and asked to talk. She agreed and he took her to a secluded place where she allowed him to perform oral sex on her. This was like a stab through the heart and I got extremely upset. She couldn't understand my reaction. She said that it happened 47 years ago and since we've had a very happy marriage since then it shouldn't matter. To me, when she told me, it was like it had just happened. We've had several discussions about it where I've tried to express my hurt but I told her I forgive her. I know that the happiness that she has given me over our 47 years should make up for it yet, deep down, the hurt won't go away. I told her the main thing I would like to know in order to get closure on this is "Why did you let him to that". Her reply is "I don't know". I've tried several times to get an answer but she keeps saying she doesn't know. She's now gotten angry that I won't let it go and has said she does not want to talk about it anymore even to the point of suggesting that we go our separate ways if I can't forgive her which I've already told her I already have. I do not hold any ill feelings towards her...it just hurts that she would have done that the day before our wedding. Had I found out then, we probably wouldn't be married. All I want is to understand why and to get over the hurt.


Cajun,
When I was a young man I owned a condo. I had roommates for a while. One of them was a decent guy, and he was engaged. I liked them both.

As an aside, I use to hear them discussing if their age difference was really ok with him. They were to be married in a couple months.

She was two years older, smh.

Anyway I come home from work one day to find her alone in nothing but a towel having just showered.
I made a bee line to my room to lock myself in lol, but she wants to engage with me. Imagine that. I felt like a minnow that had strayed to far from the weeds.

I allowed the cringworthy, akward, icy starkness of the moment to answer for me, and went to hide.

I have noticed over the years that there are times when people and more open to cheating. New job, or location, out of town alone, death of a parent, etc, and one of those is just before marriage.
My observation is that some women beguile themselves with worry, fear, and doubt, questioning if their "groom to be" is "the one".

Are they making a mistake, are they settling, will they miss out on the fairytale?

Questions like this drove a whole segment of the psychic hotline (which btw went out of business and no one saw it coming).
So...
Her cheating may have been a fear based decision because she did not feel in control of her future happiness.

It need be no more complicated than that.
It likely had nothing to do with you.
It was just the culmination of her weakness of character, and lack of life experience.

No excuses just an explanation.

She is not the same person today she was then. It seems likely she has become an admirable woman, person and wife.

Your love helped bring her there.

I don't think you should crash the car trying to swat a fly. You don't want to minimize it either.

My advice is to create an atmosphere about this that she feels safe to be honest with herself and you.

That is not advice I have given very often, but I think it fits the situation.

I wish you well brother!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m dying to know what brought this up after 47 years and yeah, we all agree it should never have been your burden to bear.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cajun said:


> That's my biggest fear right now going forward...in a heated argument I'll bring it back up. Believe it or not, we don't have many of those anymore. We've both mellowed with age. *But if it does happen, we'll try to deal with it like we have all of our other marriage conflicts.*


Then please please please for both your sakes do seek answers and healing and find closure in it so you won't use it as a weapon and even if you do bring it up in the future it no longer hurts. 

If you can't be transparent with your feelings in this it will likely eat you up and you know it, you already mentioned bringing it up in a heated argument and the only reason why you mentioned it is bc you know deep down you still resent her for it. 

Thats the only thing that is worrying me so I bid you to consider this.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So on another thread Cajun you mentioned that you and your wife don't have sex anymore. That it's too painful for her. That she's unwilling to do oral either. So you take care of yourself watching porn.

So I'll ask just as others have asked. In a sexless marriage why in the world did your wife confess her betrayal 47 years later??


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Cajun, in all honesty, and in all the good times and the joy this woman has given you, do your really give a rats azz, 47 years later, about what she done before she became your wife? As I understand it, the chick was 17. A 17 year old chick ain't gonna be able to tell you what was going on in her head 47 years later. She allowed the kid certain liberties and that's the best you're going to get. Who knows, her slip up may had made her a better wife with tighter boundaries. If you could go back a change it, it could very well change the dynamics of your marriage. Don let dis drive you motier foux Boo.


Quite succinctly and colorfully put. 👍👍


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

And here we all are trying to give advice to a guy that was happy married for half a century 🤣


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sideways said:


> So on another thread Cajun you mentioned that you and your wife don't have sex anymore. That it's too painful for her. That she's unwilling to do oral either. So you take care of yourself watching porn.
> 
> So I'll ask just as others have asked. In a sexless marriage why in the world did your wife confess her betrayal 47 years later??


Because it might not be about the sex but about the betrayal? This might be her issue, why she felt the need to confess.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Also how long have you been in a sexless marriage Cajun?

Having to whack off to porn and then being depressed afterwards (which I certainly understand) doesn't sound like a happy marriage to me.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

No sex. Hmm. Is there any intimacy? Do you sleep in the same bed? Is there any touching, cuddling, etc.? Is there any passionate kissing? Is there any kissing at all? Has your wife gone to her doctor to address the problem regarding intercourse? When did all the intimacy stop? The fact your wife drops this bombshell on you out of the blue is disconcerting. You better look at the answers to the questions I pose to get a handle on exactly what is going on.


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## Unknown2u (May 19, 2021)

x


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Cajun said:


> Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!


Then why post about it on a website 47 years later? If you really feel like you say, you don't need us. Somehow given what you wrote here and your other situation you MO has been to be very accepting even if you are unhappy, but since you are posting I suspect this revelation is a bridge to far and you are really struggling. I have to wonder if part of the struggle is the fact that you were willing to accept a lot when you thought she was faithful but given the damage this did to your bond, it's not as easy anymore.


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