# Trouble communicating



## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Lately I have been having increasing difficulty communicating with my wife. We just don't seem to be on the same page. 

It's like those pictures where if you look at it from differnt angles you see different images.

It's weird. We're kind of looking at the same thing but I'm seeing a bowl of cherries and she's seeing puppies. So when we start talking, we're talking about different things. It's really frustrating because we can't seem to find common ground. It's like one or both of us has an auditory processing problem or some other kind of perception problem.

I don't have this problem with other people and I generally really enjoy good conversation. I need to be able to communicate with my wife.

We are from the same cultural background and are only 3 years apart in age. We have been together for 16 years and married for 13.

Has anyone experienced this before? (Because I certainly haven't). I'm seriously considering the viability of the relationship.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i can relate EXACTLY to what you are getting at.

i went through this. I chalk it up to how each person perceives the other. By this i mean, I once had a girlfriend, that was so enthralled with me, that WHATEVER i said was basically gospel. but when we broke up, it was like anything i offered in converstaion was poison. 

i'm no pro on psych issues, thats just my observation. the real question for you is what is the REAL underlying and unresolved or unaddressed issue with your spouse? this isnt something simple on the surface.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Thanks for your reply. It's not that there is necessarily any particular angst at the start but the frustration builds quickly now because we seemingly aren't talking about the same things. It's almost like we have to explain each and every word and meaning to each other. It's so frustrating!!! Like most guys I don't have to use a lot of words and I'm absolutely literal in my communication style. I don't have the time or mental capacity to conjure up hidden meanings or trickery.....but often she tries to find them....and I'm left scratching my head going...."where did that come from?" The "REAL" issues??....probably a lot...and if I could communicate effectively then maybe I could find out. I know her previous partner (16 Years ago) was abusive and manipulative and at times I feel I pay for his sins. (For better or for worse I raised this recently).


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Of course, you are seeing things from different perspectives. The only way she is going to know your perspective is if you tell her, and vice versa. 

This does not mean either of your perspectives are wrong, it just means that you are seeing it from different viewpoints. 

Once you understand this and grasp it, you can see this is why you are "not on the same page".


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Perhaps I'm not communicating well here.......It's not just about perspective. I 'get' the perspective thing. I can deal with that. The trouble is that we regularly view the same situation but see different things....literally. As I said previously....it's as if one or both of us has a physiological information processing deficiency. (The best I can suggest is that it's like talking to your teenage kid....only worse). We are in our 50s. I've never experienced this type of communication barrier before and I was hoping that someone else has had a similar experience.....and a way forward.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Everyone has mental filters. Sometimes, those filters can get really clogged up with old memories, beliefs, and experiences and completely prevent communication. 

I went through something like this with the narcissist I dated. It was truly freaking bizarre! 

If I said, "I can decide for myself how fast to set the windshield wipers when I'm driving in the rain," he'd respond with something like "You don't appreciate all I do for you. You should be happy you have a roof over your head." 

True story, that.

Now, nevermind that I paid half of his rent and bills, plus the majority of our food and gasoline expenses, etc... His mind went where it wanted to justify whatever he wanted to justify in the moment.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

@KB I've read and reread your post and I think there's some gems in there. 

"His mind went where it wanted.....". Yes!...but in our case I don't think it's done intentionally........and I'm almost always left thinking, "wtf are you talking about?"......and I suspect she's possibly thinking the same thing about me.

"truly freaking bizarre"....I couldn't have said it better. But now I'm looking to understand just what is going on. I'm trying to make sense of my world....and I'm struggling.

Mental filters, clogged up, completely preventing communication. Great analogy.....now all I need is a way to clear all those clogs (sic) in both of us.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

What was communication like when you first married? How has it changed? Has your communication changed, or just hers? Just from your posts it seems like you're a linear, straight forward kind of guy. Could there be some kind of medical problem?


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Thanks ff 789. Well we made it through 16 years with quite a lot of challenges. 

I started noticing a few things a couple of years ago. Perception? Messages confused between hearing and application. 

And in me? Recently I was convinced I ordered a certain drink and when I commented that the waitress brought the wrong drink the three other people in my group said "No, that's what you ordered". That was weird. Like a glitch in the programming.  

So I'm quite open to the fact that something may be happening for both of us, but in general I don't have these communication issues with other people. I am generally extremely careful with my words. I am literal. I say what I mean and mean what I say. It's the only way I know how to make sense of my world.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

The Seahorse Guy said:


> And in me? Recently I was convinced I ordered a certain drink and when I commented that the waitress brought the wrong drink the three other people in my group said "No, that's what you ordered". That was weird. Like a glitch in the programming.


This is hard to follow without giving examples of what you are talking about, and that is a sign of not communicating clearly. It isn't "like" seeing a bowl of cherries vs a bowl of puppies. There are specific things happening. 

This is the first and only example. And it was not with your wife, but with three other people. So can you please give other examples that have happened so we can understand what you are talking about?


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## whitelightingstorm (Jul 6, 2012)

I feel the exact way with my husband! We look at the same thing and in my logic it's this way and he will come up with a totally different perspective. It is driving me nuts. I do not have this problem with anyone else! I can have conversations with others, debate things but still see the issue's. I have no idea where he comes up with this stuff. I do know he is always quoting old movies in our conversations. I do not watch much TV so I have no clue what he is talking about. I am to the point of not even speaking to him. Have to say he has always been like this since I've been with him. It's just starting to annoy me as I get older.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Thank you whitelightingstorm. Maybe I'm not alone with this situation after all. 

I spent a short period with my wife yesterday. Here are 2 of 5 events that happened with this short time. The other 3 events are too long to explain without local knowledge of our town.

We were invited to dinner tonight. I explained to my wife that I couldn't attend because I was working late and would have only 30 minutes at home before going to a class.

Got that? 

Not so hard is it?.........Within 10 to 15 seconds she makes a call to the other woman and says " I spoke to (my name) and we're good to go to dinner." I'm like...:scratchhead:?

Then a few minutes later we're speaking to our son about his first soccer game for his new school. He needs socks of the correct colour. We're all within 6 feet of each other. There are no distractions, no television, nothing. I confirm the colour with my son. "*Navy blue*?" "Yeah, *Navy*," he responds. She then says, "I'll phone the store. What colour were they? *White*?". Now I'm thinking...:wtf:?

As I said, there were 5 incidents like this all within about 90 minutes.

I just don't know what is going on. I can't make sense of it. Now it's at the point that I don't even want to engage her in any conversation and we are becoming increasingly distant.

I noticed this behaviour in small amouts a few years ago but now it's getting rapidly more common.

Further to this, she is not particularly self aware. So she can't just go, "Oh, silly me." and laugh it off. She is one of those people who struggle to take responsibility for her own actions. *It's always somebody else's fault.* 

(I bet she was the only kid at school who never had an eraser.....because she never made a mistake. The point here is that she always automatically gets agressively defensive when problems are raised. :2gunsfiring_v1

Last night I thought I would go visit with her Doctor. Just to have a chat with the practitioner about this behaviour because I feel I can't raise my concern with my wife without it degenerating into an argument.

:banghead:
Help!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm going through this with my H. I met him when I was 17. I also hung on every word he said. I fought with him a lot when we met, but in the end, I decided to start listening to him. And boy did I ever. I did everything to please his ideas and thoughts. But over the years I've grown up a bit, I've had more life experiences, he's not been the perfect H....and so I now have totally different ideas than him. And I think that's ok. He doesn't seem to mind too much. I think we both understand that life takes a toll and does it's work on us. 

I think it's just a matter of, you both are growing and changing while together. Then one day you wake up, and all of the sudden all of the changes have accumulated, and you can't relate as well anymore. 

It depends on how you want to deal with it. Do you want to embrace her views or not? Is it ok that she doesn't see certain things the way you do anymore or not? Can you try and see where she is coming from or not?


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

@ somethingelse. My frustration is not about differing ideology or philosophy although those differences have been evident throughout our relationship. It's certainly NOT because she doesn't see things my way.....and I am more than happy to have my world view challenged. I try to regularly challenge the way I think and will modify my view when new information comes to hand.

My previous post gives real examples of our communication difficulties. eg I explain why I *can't *attend dinner and she immediately calls our friend and says we *can* go. Both my son and I say Blue socks, she talks about white.

It probably sounds bizarre if you haven't experienced this basic level of missed communication.......and it *is* bizarre. It's been going on for a while now but is getting far too frequent. 

*I turned to this forum to see if anyone else had a similar experience. It seems not.* I am beginning to see this as a neurological problem rather than a social problem or relationship problem and that is why I am inclined to seek counsel from her Doctor.

I am also going to seek help from a counseller to find a way to approach this with my wife because if I allude to there being a problem (even if it's medical) she will act defensively and we won't get to the root of the problem.

I have never witnessed this type of behaviour in any other person.....although, admittedly I am not living in close association with anybody else.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Ok, so she ignores anything you say and does whatever she wants. Might have something to do with lack of respect for you. Could be a medical issue. Did you end up talking with a doctor about this? If so, what did he/she say?


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Decided last night to see the Dr. Doctors aren't so easy to see here in OZ. You're extremely lucky if you can get in to see one with 24 hrs notice.....and certainly not on weekends. I will have to wait until Monday and then TRY to get in to see her MAYBE Tuesday. I return to work Wednesday.

Ignores me? Maybe? Sure, why not? But when we're engaging in one on one conversation on a topic she raised? And I use very few words. It's not my habit to blah, blah, blah!

(Something I haven't raised before is that her memory is shocking..............although in saying that she does have more knowledge of where my keys and glasses are located.)

She is turning 50 in July. Has had 4 kids:22, 21, 13, 11. Working fulltime for 2.5 years after being a stay-at-home mum for 13 years.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I know this is very far fetched for a woman her age, but early dementia could very well be a possibility. Just to throw it out there, does she have any of these symptoms?

Early Signs of Dementia:

Dementia - diagnosis and early signs | Better Health Channel

Progressed Dementia:

Understanding Dementia: Signs, Symptoms, Types, and Treatment


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Thanks for the links. After looking at the symptoms I would tend to say "No". 

If you'd asked about chronic Post Natal Depression then I'd say that was a possibility......but after 11 years? 

Auditory Processing Disorder? Likely but I thought it would have been apparent earlier in life. Or can it manifest more prominently in middle age?

Dare I say......Hormones???

That's why I would like to speak with her Doctor (within the bounds of confidentiality).

I'm kind of thinking on my feet here. Maybe I'm better off visiting with the cousellor first and then trying to get my wife to go to the Doc? I'm just not confident of success there. I'n not sure which approach to take.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

The Seahorse Guy said:


> Thanks for the links. After looking at the symptoms I would tend to say "No".
> 
> If you'd asked about chronic Post Natal Depression then I'd say that was a possibility......but after 11 years?
> 
> ...


Have you ever discussed this with your W? Just sat her down and discussed your concern? 

I can't imagine how frustrating it would be for this to keep happening. 

I would say maybe get some counseling sessions set up and go at least for yourself to gain some perspective on this. 

I read up on Auditory Processing Disorder, and it is a childhood disorder that carries on into adulthood. But you said you've only noticed this in the past 2-3 years? I'm not sure if it progresses and gets worse. Maybe if not treated correctly it does...but you and your W definitely have to go to the doctor and inquire. Ask him about APD, it will help him get an idea of what you feel is going on.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Thanks somethingelse. If only it were that easy to speak with her about these things, I would have done it by now. I have enquired with a counsellor to go alone and discuss this.

The communication problem has been going on for some years in a small way. I was always curious as to what was going on during the communication between us. Frankly, I was puzzled.

It was only a few years back I heard her get directions from a security guard and then fail to follow them. She then got angry and berated the guard to me saying he was an idiot etc (as she always blames others for any mistakes). 

She remained adament that she heard correctly (although I heard differently). 

It was from this point that I started to take note of discrepancies between what was said and what she heard.

Lately it has been getting so bad that I am avoiding speaking with her. I turned to this forum desperate to find someone who may have experienced this in their relationship.

I don't seem to notice DW behaviour in other people and generally enjoy conversation (although I am a little of the strong silent type.......well maybe not so strong anymore).

I cannot discount the possibility that she is simply ignoring anything I have to say. It's entirely possible......but so is APD.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

The Seahorse Guy said:


> Thanks somethingelse. If only it were that easy to speak with her about these things, I would have done it by now. I have enquired with a counsellor to go alone and discuss this.
> 
> The communication problem has been going on for some years in a small way. I was always curious as to what was going on during the communication between us. Frankly, I was puzzled.
> 
> ...


I think the best chance you have at getting this resolved is to get her on board. She needs to be able to recognize that this is happening before she will be willing to seek help for it. 

Marriage counceling might help her to open up to the idea that something needs to happen here and that she quite possibly has a neurological disorder. If you can convince her that your M is needing some intervention because of this issue, maybe she will agree to it. Just tell her that you are fed up, and you need some sort of intervention. Let her know how serious you are about it.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Thanks for your responses. I have travelled some of these paths before and will give some thought to going there again. It's all good food for thought.

Here are some observations from the weekend.

Overall it was a pretty good weekend although I worked all day Saturday. She had a flip-out at Soccer because our son misheard the game time and of course it was *my fault* because apparently I should have called the school (after school on Friday) to check my son's recollection. (Can you imagine if every parent had to do this every time?) 

Anyway, the kid made a mistake, I copped the blame....situation normal. Better me than him.

Anyway, she came to Latin Dance class with me on Saturday night. There were maybe 25 or 30 couples on the floor. The instructor asks, "Who has been to Brazil?" (We're in Australia so you wouldn't expect too many to have been there. It's not easy.) So he asks again. Then he turns to our end of the room and asks a third time. My W puts her hand up and I'm looking at her thinking :slap:. He aks :"So you have been to Brazil?" and she kind of snaps out of it all of a sudden and pulls her hand down. Later he asks "What SITCOM character used to dance like this?" He asks a couple of times and gives a few clues. Somebody responds with Fonzie, which is correct. W objects, saying that the instructor said CARTOON character. :scratchhead:

So those 2 episodes tell me that it's not simply that she is ignoring *me*. 

So given that the weekend has been ok, I figure I'll approach the subject and I tell her that I am concerned to the point that I am thinking of speaking with her Doctor. Predictably she denies having any problem and blames it on everybody else for not being able to speak properly (yes, she has had her hearing checked). At this point our 11yo interjects and says "it's just because Dad's concerned!."

So now I have to lay low for a while on the Dr visit.

I'm still chasing a time with a counsellor. I've previously engaged a counsellor once for preventive counselling and once for a problem. W didn't see any value in any of the times we went to counselling because they both (in her words) "failed to fix" *ME*.

I will go to the (female) counsellor alone this time.

So that's we're we sit now.

:banghead:


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## whitelightingstorm (Jul 6, 2012)

My husband always tells me it's because he used to be an alcoholic and damages his brain. LOL I AGREE!!! But it drives me crazy. Now he is a recovered alcoholic and he is very forgetful. 

How old is your wife? Has she had health issues? Accidents? Drink to much? Stress....soo many things could make her not think straight. 

If you ever want to chat about it to vent..I'm always logged onto yahoo messenger. whitelightingstorm Leave the n out of lightning That is if you want someone to vent to.  I think I understand what you are going through.


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## whitelightingstorm (Jul 6, 2012)

wow I should have proof read what I wrote...sorry about all the spelling errors! LOL forgive me!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like she is really disoriented and confused. She isn't "present" enough to take in information being told or asked of her. 

Another word that's coming to my mind is Complacency


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I've been married 20 years. Last year I realized that my wife was lying to me about little stuff on a regular basis. Nothing serious, but enough to make a guy think WTF? Turns out that she's not even aware that she's doing it sometimes. I know this because I ended up spying on her to prove it. Anyway, her parents were raging alcoholics that use to verbally and physically abuse her. Her defense mechanism was lying so she would not upset them again. She and her siblings carried this behavior into adulthood. They all have major denial issues and never take responsibility for their actions. They are simply incapable of viewing the world through others eyes and are deeply insecure. They are the masters of self justification. I realize now that my wife had these traits the whole marriage, but I was blinded to it for various reasons. I have my own issues no doubt. 

It could be a combination of things. Personality flaws and certain characteristics tend to become more exaggerated in middle age. At the same time we become more aware and sensitive to others behavior as we gain life experience. In other words it could have been there all along and you didn't notice it. Look for abuse or abandonment in her past.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Yes, yes and yes.

@whitelightning Yes, I will keep you in mind when I need to vent. Thank you so much. That is a very kind offer. I am not yet registered with yahoo. They allow PMs on this site? 

She is turning 50, no significant health issues, sometimes drinks more than I think is reasonable but can control it. Appears under stress at work. working full time for a little over 2 years after being a stay at home mum for 13 years. She is a Personal Assistant and also has a staff of 4 Business Support Officers to manage. It's her first supervisory role. ( I have experience in that area and can assist and offer a shoulder to lean on.)

@ somethingelse Yep....good word. Definitely see that aspect in her.

@enginerd Yes, she was the youngest of 3 girls and was always picked on and blamed and probably had to defend herself a lot. Critical parents, judgemental. 

Abuse....Father of her older kids was an uncharacterictic hookup for her. (Bored with her life so hooked up with someone a little quirky, edgy.....freakin' crazy. Why do women do this????) He was abusive in any way you can think of. So when I do, say or look anything in a way that reminds her of him, then she reacts to that memory. (Often I feel that I am continually paying for his sins.) We have spoken about this...but her reaction is so entrenched that it is automatic.

Thanks to everyone for your insight.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

SH, this actually sounds like a medical issue. Does she work outside the home? Is she okay at work? Otherwise, this does not sound like a normal communication issue. I would go with her to her next doctor's appt. and talk to the doctor. Unless she has always been a bit of an airhead, I would be concerned.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Thanks ff. I believe her to be quite intelligent so this is why I find it so confounding. 

I struggle when I can't make sense of my world....and I have been really struggling a lot with this one. 

I now just long for normal reasonable conversation. I work with men all the time, always have, and I get tired of the same types of conversation. I like speaking with women about things other than the stuff the guys often talk about.....No, I'm going to stop myself right there.....I just want to talk with intelligent people about intelligent subjects......and I would like my W to be one of those people, but the comms just constantly breaks down. 

Off to Parent/teacher interviews right now. Thanks for your thoughts.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

The Seahorse Guy said:


> Thanks for the links. After looking at the symptoms I would tend to say "No".
> 
> If you'd asked about chronic Post Natal Depression then I'd say that was a possibility......but after 11 years?
> 
> ...


Yes OP, I would say hormones. When I was going through this I was just as bad, or worse, than your wife. I actually got to the point where it was unsafe for me to drive. My mind couldn't focus and was always wondering off. 

I did have the West Nile a few years before and thought that part of the problem was residual effects from that too. But as time passes it has gotten much better and I am almost back to normal.

There was one point in time when my husband was loosing his temper with me quite a bit, it just made me not want to be around him. My kids were frustrated with me too.

Have her try some omega 3 oil, fish oil. It will help, but mostly it will take time. Please be patient with her. She knows what is happening but really cannot do anything about it. Give her time.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

@ JustHer

Yeah....I'm resigned to being in it for the long haul. ( Although she did recently say that if I ever got sick she would leave me as she couldn't cope.....Let me tell you...that little statement made me feel secure about our relationship....NOT!)

I'm gonna put on my serious face for this part  because this is totally true......

I strongly doubt she is aware of what is going on. I would argue that she has extremely low self awareness. Throughout the 16 years we have been together she has consistently maintained that she has never had a hormonal moment in her life. Zero. Zip. Nada. Dead flat. Always rational. *ME *on the other hand......I would turn into an absolute jerk for a week every single month and she couldn't understand what the hell got into me. (Lately I'm a jerk 26 days out of 28. There are 2 days a month when I smell so good and can't do anything wrong. She just doesn't understand why I have to be such a :tool:.)

Seriously! Without a word of a lie.

I'm just like ..."oh-kay"......and I just get on with what I have to do.

During our 6 week 2010 vacation to East coast USA I spent 2 days when I was just perfect (Maggie Valley NC). The rest of the time I spent in the abyss.

I right hope you're right JH. I hope normal lies at the end of this tunnel.

I will continue to work through this until I can't.

I has been therapeutic for me to just express myself in this forum.

Thank you all.....it actually helps.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

We have moments of poor communication like that. I can tell my husband something and it does not compute, even simple stuff. Sometimes he tells me stuff and I don't compute.

For us, I know it is to do with information overload, we have our minds on other things and just don't actively listen to what is being said.

Do you both have a lot going on? Is life full of distractions? And yes, hormones, for both parties can affect you more than you might think. It does sound though, that there might be some dynamics in your relationship that are not the best.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow night.....alone.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

My son is about to embark on a program to help his "Working Memory".

I will suggest my W become his mentor through this program. I think there may be things in the program that may help.


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## Sunshine Cadillac (Apr 30, 2013)

I dont know if this is out of left field or not, but have you tried communicating on paper or via email? This may be strange to some people, but I have a much better time communicating when i can type out what i want, go back and edit and continue. Any counselling sessions I have ever had have been via email as it was an available option and I absolutely love it. If not email, maybe a coiled note book where one could start with something and the other replies? Or if you're not a writer try email? Maybe somehow things can be explained differently or perceived differently this way? Good Luck, I hope you and your wife work things out and come together in the end stronger!


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