# Think I finally nailed what is wrong with my wife.



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

For the longest I have been trying to think why me and my wife are not as close as i would like us to be. I just feel like were together with no meaning.

She has either divorced me emotionally and its not coming back and just never told me this or is emotionally disconnected from me and is waiting for me to do something to get it back.

I am not sure which it is but when i presented this to her or actually just said to her " i know what your problem is now you either divorced me emotionally or emotionally disconnected from me." all she said was oh really.

My question is how the heck do you get someone back emotionally? 

This makes soooo much sense to me now. I now know why she doesnt want to have sex but does at times even though she really doesnt want to just for me. I know she loves me but emotionally its not there! 

One part of this i know was me drinking and that i was supposed to have stopped and that took alot of work and time to finally get done its just that now i am waiting for her to believe me as this may take a couple weeks due to pass trys and starting off good but then after a couple weeks i would go back to beer. I understand it will take her some time just wondering what else can i do to get her back emotionally? thanks


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I bet a big step to making her feel more comfortable would be to stop starting conversations with your wife with the words "I know what's wrong with you..."


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Agree. Your conversation should be I know what is wrong with me that is causing you to emotionally disconnect.


----------



## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I bet a big step to making her feel more comfortable would be to stop starting conversations with your wife with the words "I know what's wrong with you..."



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Talk about putting someone on the defensive and causing them to shut you out.


Oh, and I just went back and re-read your first post in this thread. I don't know your entire back story. But what I got from your post was that you have a drinking problem and have made many attempts at stopping only to start again a couple of weeks later. Your statement that it would probably take a couple of weeks for your wife to trust you because of your past failed attempts really caught my attention!! Really? You think your wife should learn to trust again in a couple of weeks?? How many times have you let her down? How long has this been going on? And you think she should be over it in a couple of weeks? You remind me of my ex who verbally abused me for _*years*_ and then thought I should get over it because he was nice to me for a few days. It simply does not work that way. Once someone has reason to not trust you then it takes a long time to regain that trust - if you ever do.


----------



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

well, I did not say exactly that to her I do not remember exactly what i said that is why i had typed it like that in my post just to make my point to you guys. 

Anyways, how does one get someone to emotionally connect back to them?

I took this Monday off from work because i wanted to do something for her that i know will make her happy. We have a room in the house that is being used for storage. She works from home during the week and the setup is terrible. She needs an office, so i was going to empty this room out go through everything and clean it up nicely. I have paint already to repaint it and a computer desk im not using. I was going to setup an office for her which i think will make her very happy. I wanted to do this last weekend but got stuck winterizing the house.

I am just not sure how to get back an emotional connection.. any help?


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

According to common wisdom, the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over, and expecting to get a different result each time. In that case, my approach to resolving issues of affection and intimacy in my marriage in the past was certifiably insane.

The pattern went something like this; The problem that I wanted to resolve was lack of intimacy. I put together a logical argument to support my case. I would use official sources such as self-help books to build my case. When I was comfortable that I had a rock solid argument I would confront my wife and lay it all out.

Me: “We need to talk about our sex life.”

My Wife: (sigh) “What about our sex life?”

Me: “We need more sex in our life. In their book How To Fix Your Marriage With Logical Arguments and Statistics Dr. X and Dr. Y state that couples who have sex less than twice a week are 60% more likely to divorce.”

From there the discussion would go downhill quickly. Even if my logic was brilliant, the best I could expect from any such discussion was a promise to think about it. More often it ended in a fight. In other words, we got nowhere fast.

After repeating this doomed pattern numerous times, I finally figured out that you cannot resolve issues of sex and intimacy using logic.

The truth is women typically do not use logic to determine whether or not they want intimacy. They make that decision based on their feelings. If your wife is feeling good about herself, and about you, and about the relationship, then the odds are pretty good that if you approach her for sex, she will be open to the idea. This all depends on how she is feeling right here, right now.

When you broach the subject of sex on logical terms, you are effectively trying to override her natural criteria for sexual arousal. You are asking her to go against her nature, ignore her feelings, and do what logically makes sense. All women understand the concept that sex is good for a marriage. They know that they should not put it off for too long. The logic makes sense to them. However, when it comes down to a yes or no proposition in the here and now, logic usually loses out to their feelings of the moment.

If you really want to improve your odds of having a passionate sexual relationship with your wife, then you need to engage her in the domain of feelings. You need to learn how to lead her to the kinds of moods and emotions that will make her want to be sexual with you.

The lesson to be learned here is that you cannot let the sexual fires of your marriage to be dead most of the time, and then expect them to fire up on demand. It is much better to be stoking the fires on a regular basis to ensure that there are always warm embers burning.

If you really want to have a passionate sexual marriage, then you need to be a man who is always attractive and is always behaving toward his wife in a loving way. You need to learn how to manage your wife’s emotional state. You have to learn to consistently meet her emotional needs so that when she asks herself those all important questions (how do I feel about me, how do I feel about him, how do I feel about the relationship) the answers are always positive.

Warmly,
RDJ


----------



## Frosty (Aug 23, 2011)

RDJ,

You are brilliant. This. I see I have a lot of work to do. Easy on paper but hard in practice.


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Frosty said:


> RDJ,
> 
> You are brilliant. This. I see I have a lot of work to do. Easy on paper but hard in practice.



Wow! I’ve been called a lot of things. Brilliant was never one of them. LOL

I consider myself “seasoned”. Someone once told me that being married to an extremely difficult wife has its advantages; they can teach you a lot of lessons if you’re willing to pay attention and learn them.

Thanks for your kind words.

Warmly,
RDJ


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The first step to getting the connection back IMO would be some internal soul-searching - do you have what is in you to absolutely commit to making things work? You will need to be on your game for quite some time to overcome something like that, and your wife is going to need to sense that from you. You can't be mentally shifting between staying and divorcing if you want to pull this off.

Assuming you are, you will need to take the attitude of "Wife, I believe I have done a number of things which caused us to emotionally disconnect. I want you to know that starting today, I plan on trying to correct that. I ask nothing more than you try to notice the changes going forward, and help understanding what things I could do better in my efforts. I don't know if it's enough to get us back to where I'd like us to be, but I want us to become the best that we can be, whatever that is."

Then, deliver. Do whatever it is that you think you want to do to attract and keep your life partner.

As an example, I have come to realize in my marriage I have shut down on my wife. While she has issues with me, I am still recovering from about 5 years of emotional/sexual neglect, and I have pretty much shut down to her emotionally and sexually now. Tried everything I could do myself, including IC, but just not working. My wife's light bulb went on about a year ago, and she's been trying to figure things out and do what she can to get it back. Just yesterday, for whatever reason, I noticed her hair. It was the first time in 5 years I can remember looking at her in that way. I bring this up only to say - it's easy to make a connection, but it's very hard to recreate it if you lose it.


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

:iagree::iagree:

This is the path I followed, it goes much deeper, but it's an excellent start.

Warmly,
RDJ


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

tony8404 said:


> Anyways, how does one get someone to emotionally connect back to them?


You don't. Once they're gone, they're gone. You learn to live with it. 

Now, everyone go ahead and crucify me. But it is the VERY rare poster that says that they left their husband emotionally then came back. How many people have broken up with someone and gotten back together? Now, of the FEW that say "I did", were you living with them? Seeing every day what it was that made you hate them in the first place? Or did absence make the heart grow fonder?

You didn't say how old you are or whether or not you have kids. If you're young and no kids, get out and find someone else. I wish I could.


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

MrK said:


> You don't. Once they're gone, they're gone. You learn to live with it.
> 
> Now, everyone go ahead and crucify me. But it is the VERY rare poster that says that they left their husband emotionally then came back. How many people have broken up with someone and gotten back together? Now, of the FEW that say "I did", were you living with them? Seeing every day what it was that made you hate them in the first place? Or did absence make the heart grow fonder?
> 
> You didn't say how old you are or whether or not you have kids. If you're young and no kids, get out and find someone else. I wish I could.


I can only speak from my own experience. But my wife and I were disconnected as much as a couple can be. She had an EA and wanted out. I stuck it out, we stayed togather in the same home, day after day focusing on the negatives until I had just as much disdain as she she did. Then I realized that by focusing on only the negative, I was creating my own misery. I started focusing on myself and the positives. I am responsible for my own happiness. I changed me. As I changed me, she was drawn to the man I was becomming and slowly changed her perception and feelings for me/us. It took a few years to come back, but we are back. We have a better relationship than either of us thought possible.

So it can be done.

I respectfully ask one question. "I wish I could". No one can stop you other than you, why do you feel you cannot end it if that is what you feel must be done?

Warmly,
RDJ


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tony8404 said:


> Anyways, how does one get someone to emotionally connect back to them?


Start putting her needs before your own.



> I took this Monday off from work because i wanted to do something for her that i know will make her happy. We have a room in the house that is being used for storage. She works from home during the week and the setup is terrible. She needs an office, so i was going to empty this room out go through everything and clean it up nicely. I have paint already to repaint it and a computer desk im not using. I was going to setup an office for her which i think will make her very happy. I wanted to do this last weekend but got stuck winterizing the house.


This is a great start but don`t stop there.
In fact you should have put her office before winterizing.

get it done.


----------



## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

You can't force a connection with someone. 

Fixing an office for her would be a very nice thing to do - but if the only reason you are doing it is so she will have sex with you then it is probably not going to work. If you have given her reason to not trust her and to lose the connection with her then you are simply going to have to suck it up and give her time. If you are focused only one getting her to have sex with you then you are in for a long hard road. Try taking the approach of making up to her all the times you have let her down with the drinking and rebuilding her trust. The connection may follow.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Coming from a family of alcoholics, I can say that respect is a huge issue. You try, and try... for a long time to retain respect for your loved one, but there comes a time when you just can't do it anymore. I'm thinking, if it were my husband.... as the respect dwindled, and the disappointment, and the attraction.... sheesh, it sounds awful. 

How to get it back? Just like they said above. Fix YOU. Make yourself a person that YOU like... MAYBE she will like it too. While you are fixing YOU, woo her.


----------



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

thanks guys for the advice so far. It has given me more to anazlize things in different ways than my one track mind was.

I actually told her that I noticed I have not been putting her first but only myself and that I did not realize that. I told her about the office and she was happy and surprised to hear me say that i was going to clean it up and fix it up.

I did most of it this weekend except my back really really hurts as I pulled something and since I did not rest over the weekend but did alot of cleaning and work it is 10 times worst than Friday night.

I have a question though... I approached my wife and told her that i know she is not emotionally attached and just wanted to know if you will ever be able to get that back with me or is it never coming back... She tells me she does not know but hopes it does... I tell her can you think about it? I doubt she will! 

My only point to her is that if she knows for sure there is no chance in hell her becoming emotionally attached to me again is never gonna happen she needs to say that before another 10 yrs pass. If she really means it to me that it can but needs time I am all for that as you guys have told me fix myselfs and stuff will fall or fall into place. I think I at least deserve to know if she already knows shes not coming back to me emotionally.

Does anyone know of a test on this I can give her to take ?


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

You ever watch your sports team play and with a few minutes left, they seem impossibly down, and losing is likely inevitable?

Your friend teases you and asks do you think they can come back and win? You of course, not giving up, say, "I don't know, but I hope so!"

That's where your wife is. She's not withholding info, she just doesn't know. She has to wait to see what happens just like you do when you watch a sports event.

You are the team that is trailing with a few minutes left. Stop whining to the coach "Do you really think we can come back from this? This might be a waste of time to try.", and get out on the field, do your best, and win the game. 

If you don't win, you will at least know you tried.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Does anyone know of a test on this I can give her to take ? 

That's kinda saying you will only love someone if they prove to you that they love you first! I understand what you are thinking, but with love... it's never a mistake to love someone. That's giving of yourself, and that's human, and always a good thing to do. Makes the world a little better too. She might just be looking for the same thing, you know. Assurances before she is willing to get "attached".


----------



## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

I think, for women, they need to see CHANGES for US men. And chnages that will be continued/consistent for the BETTER US. That's what I learned. Who knows, If they see this CHANGES, their emotions/connection might come back. If not, at least, You CHANGED YOURSELF for a BETTER YOU! That's what im doing. Although i might have bumps along the road, but Im willing and determined to do it. I love my Wife, my daughter, my FAMILY! 
As my wife says, less talk and LISTEN and DO IT!


----------



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

ACORN, you hit it on the nail for me!!! that is exactly the analysis i needed to hear!!! You made it perfectly clear to me now..Thank you, I know feel like she is not witholding info like i felt she was. 

I felt like i was in a room full of people who all knew the truth on how my wife feels, yet I am the only one in there that does not truly know. I felt like i was being laughed at by everyone in the room for not knowing and not able to figure this out. Now i feel like im not being lauged at anymore. I now feel like i can actually put all the effort i was using trying to figure out the hidden truth into fixing me without worrying that she would not tell me the truth cause it would have hurt me. I am so glad i came on here today and typed what i typed.

DEEJOY, your right about what you said to about the assurance... I could not give that assurance to her cause i was trying so hard to find out what i thought was being kept from me. it makes sense to me if she feels the assurance from me she can attach to me. but me going up and down up and down where is the assuarance!!!!

Kelkel, i like the phrase your wife uses "lets talk, listen and do it" I am going to use that tonight once I share what i learned today with her. 

I cannot wait to talk to her and tell her this, this may be some assuarnce to her now to know i have my mind on the right track finally!


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Tony,

I must be more fluent in woman talk than I thought because I hear "I don't know but I hope so" as "sure, as long as you produce the goods". No reason I would be doubtful about anything here


----------



## Romance and More (Oct 4, 2011)

I agree, you must fix yourself. However, there is an important piece of the puzzle to add on this. You have to fix yourself for yourself. Do not do it in the hopes of getting anything back in return other than self respect and dignity. It is annoying to have to pat someone on the back every time they do any little thing. Expecting rewards for your progress, will drive a wall between you.

The damage you did was done over many days, weeks, months, years… It is reasonable to assume it will take at least as long to recover from the damage you have done. Expecting anything less than that will send you back down your path of destruction. She has every right to be on her guard, and may always be on her guard. Now it is time to pay the price for your actions. I suggest you treat her like the relationship was just starting. Nothing but respect, interest, and dedication. Don’t expect anything in return other than the self satisfaction of being what she deserves. You put yourself first up until now, now it is her turn. Do so with eagerness and affection. 

And, she has no obligation to you to forgive you. Understand that. Remember in your 12 steps, (I’m assuming you went to AA or if not, you should it will help you with yourself and your relationships) In one of those steps, you actively seek those you have harmed, and apologize. You are not to expect their forgiveness, just express your acknowledgement that you did them wrong in your actions at one point in your life. Well, this is the same… Only you will apologize with your actions every day, expecting nothing back from her. At least, you will begin to gain some respect back.

If you don’t like that answer, then the alternative is to continue to drive the nails in the relationship coffin.


----------



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

kekel1123 said:


> I think, for women, they need to see CHANGES for US men. And chnages that will be continued/consistent for the BETTER US. That's what I learned. Who knows, If they see this CHANGES, their emotions/connection might come back. If not, at least, You CHANGED YOURSELF for a BETTER YOU! That's what im doing. Although i might have bumps along the road, but Im willing and determined to do it. I love my Wife, my daughter, my FAMILY!
> As my wife says, less talk and LISTEN and DO IT!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

tony8404 said:


> For the longest I have been trying to think why me and my wife are not as close as i would like us to be. I just feel like were together with no meaning.
> 
> She has either divorced me emotionally and its not coming back and just never told me this or is emotionally disconnected from me and is waiting for me to do something to get it back.
> 
> ...


There could be a number of factors why a woman would pull away. Here's a few for u to review if you've ever done this in the past:

* Gave your word you'd do something and didn't end up doing it or breaking your word
* Took your wifes message in a negative way and your wife has learned to no longer communicate in that way
* Put your wife down, intentionally, or unintentionally
* Discredit anything or everything she says
* Not trusting in what she says or does
* Having her make all the decision and not looking out for her best interest
* Not making time for her
* Not listening
* Not showing genuine appreciation for what she's done / given.
* Disappointing her
* Embarrassing her

Right now your wife is probably feeling insignificant. I would suggest doing something special with her and taking the time to be there for her. Listen to her needs and truely listen to her (without having to jump out with a solution or a time limit). Sometimes women just want to be heard, they want you to understand what they're feeling to connect with you. Knowing that you understand can make a world of a difference to her. Next as a man, you must be able to act in her best interest, to look after her. By doing this, you'll be on the path to recoverying your relationship. It may or may not happen over night, but if you persist and show her that you do care for her, and that she's the most important person to you, that you'd be willing to meet her needs, she may start to open her heart back to you.

These are just a few ideas I can think of right at this time, but I hope it helps.

Cheers,
Greatermindset


----------



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

You guys give some good advice....

I am so happy now... I emailed my wife right away about Acorn's analogy telling her this was the answer i needed. I told her that i thought she was done and over with me. I told her i thought she was just waiting for me to give up especially when i would ask to talk to her to try to get this answer i got yesterday and when she would not i thought that was her telling me its over just waiting for me to quit.

I have not been this happy since before she cheated on me 7-8 years ago!!!!! My kids totally noticed a difference, I had such a good time with them last night. I set there computers up to the wireless printer last night as i just got the thing but no time to mess with it. 
After i did that i showed them the Paint program and they were loving it. My little one kept coming to me asking to show her again how to print. I even showed them how to find free cartoon coloring pages which blew their minds! They did not want to go to bed, they asked if we can have this much fun everynight.

I told them yes we can from now on... I even went grocery shopping last night with them which i never do, I even bagged the groceries and carried them in and helped put them away. I think her mind was numb after that lol..

My wife is still a little skeptical because i have told her numerous times i thought i had the answer or figured it out but I know for sure i have finally got it. I told her give me the rest of the week to prove to her I finally got it because before it only lasted a day. 
This morning as she came downstairs i jumped out and gave her a huge hug and kiss with a GOOD MORNING! I could tell she was surprised and I could see in her eyes she was taking a likeing to this.
After they went to bed I gave my wife a 1.5 hour foot massage while talking to her letting her know how good i felt and to finally understand things now. I did such a good job she actually fell asleep, i had to wake her up to go to bed lol. 

I finally feel like myself again, i can finally focus on changing myself without worrying if there was an us anymore that was the rut i could not get out of. thank you guys


----------



## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

I would suggest that you continue to improve yourself. Get in shape if you are not, find positive things to do. Make improvements around the house. Continue to be the friendly loving husband by hugs, rubs on the shoulders, and smiles. 

DO THESE THINGS EXPECTING NOTHING IN RETURN.

This may take years. Change your bad habits to good ones. One step at a time. NEVER drink again. She has seen you this way for years, a little bit of time is not going to fix it. She has to see substantive changes, and they have to take time sinking in. If you ever lapse and backpedal I would expect that you might as well pack it up because you are DONE. Good luck!


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

This is great news Tony!

Keep up all your efforts, especially when your wife seems down or when you don't feel like it. It really sounds like you can do this.


----------

