# Wife wants me out..trying to understand



## khan358 (Nov 26, 2010)

Hello, first time here. And I need some help to understand my wife. 

My wife wants me to move out, but we are still in love with each other! She still cares about my feelings, and wants to play with me, wants my attention...maybe not as much as before, but that's probably due to her stress at work. When I talk to her about why she wants me to move out, she said she wants to know if she can live without me, to prepare for divorce. I don't understand...

Some background
We have been married for 16 months, known each other for several years. Up until a couple months ago, our relationship has been quite good, we're still playful, think of each other from time to time, etc. We'd fight over common things like chores, finances, etc, but nothing we could not resolve by sitting down and have a talk. I have a stable job and has been providing for the family, she is also working hard to establish her career.

She recently opened a restaurant and it is mountains of work and stress. And she started blaming me for any trivial things not done right. She is tired all the time and we are losing the connection.

We had a couple deep talks about those problems, and she admits that it was always the stress or someone/something else made her unhappy. She prefers if I could do more/better to help her, but that is not realistic (I work full time, and spending almost all of my spare time helping her).

Now she asked me to move out so her life could be simper. I'm sad, but I also worry about how she would take care of herself. The restaurant is still losing money, right now I pay our living expenses and help her with a lot of work. If I leave, she'd have to pay those expenses herself, and she does not have a ton of money. 

I want to help her through this difficult period, but she is determined to have me move out. What can I do? How can I find out the thing that really concerns her that she is so determined to leave me?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

khan358 said:


> She prefers if I could do more/better to help her, but that is not realistic (I work full time, and spending almost all of my spare time helping her).



Opening a restaurant is a major life decision. The rewards are incredible when it's doing well, when it's losing money it's unbearable. It's like your staff and suppliers and customers and the whole community are all standing around watching you fail. 


Any chance she wants you to quit your job and throw yourself into this restaurant to make it a success, because admitting defeat and coming home to you with insurmountable debt is not an option?


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## khan358 (Nov 26, 2010)

Nope, she made it clear that she does not want me to quit my job to help her, for 1, she wants me to be happy (I love the work I do); 2, she does not think I'm cut to be a business person. 

Also financially, it's best for me to work and pay the bills so she does not have to draw money from the restaurant.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I dont get it, you argue b/c you dont help, now she wants no help at all?


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## khan358 (Nov 26, 2010)

I'm sorry for not being clear, as I am confused myself.

She is unhappy about me on all sorts of things, not just me not helping her enough. But when pressed about why she wants me move out, she said she wants her life to be simpler, and do not have to be disappointed in me all the time.

And I did help as much as I could -- I've had less than 4 hours of leisure time in the past 2 weeks. So I believe it's not about not helping her enough, right?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Honestly, sometimes the best way to help someone is to give them exactly what they want, even if you know that's going to lead to disaster. Telling her what you know will happen isn't going to do anything; she's determined to do this. So the best thing to do is give her that. When she faces being unable to pay her bills, or faces the reality of not being able to do it all on her own and sees how much you really did for her, that might be what changes her mind. 

Figuring out exactly what is making her unhappy may not be possible right now. SHE might not know what is making her unhappy. It might be that she is unhappy, but has no clue why, so she's grasping at straws trying to figure it out, and is removing you to see if that makes her happy again. You can try talking to her and asking her what it is, but if she doesn't know, it won't get you anywhere. 

As hard as it is to do, I would give her what she wants. Either it'll open her eyes to the fact that she does want to be with you, or she'll struggle on her own. But it has to be her decision, not something that she feels or can convince herself that you badgered her into.


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## khan358 (Nov 26, 2010)

Thanks, chefmaster, the guy and atruckersgirl for your kind responses.

Turns out, aside from being frustrated with me at times, there is someone else she got attracted to. I guess the only thing I could do now is to move out and give her some space, and try not to worry about her too much.

Life is always more dramatic than movie isn't it.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Yes, it is. Very wise comment there.


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