# What do you when a husband lies to you?



## Totallyfrustrated (May 15, 2013)

So for the most part I feel like I have an "ok" marriage but I feel like my husband and I are never on the same page. He plays video insistently and likes to go out with people from work. I don't really have a problem with him going out with people from work, however, he always ends up lying about who he is with and what time he is coming home. For example, he went out for beers after work. I asked what time he would be home and he said around 7. Well about 9:30 I decided to find out if he was coming home soon. I sent him a text and after 15 min or so he said he would be coming home soon, hence it was almost 10:45 when he finally came home. That Sunday he went golfing with another person from work and I asked him if he was going out for beers afterwards in which he emphatically said no. He left at 2:30 and around 5:30 I decided to text him again to see if he was still golfing. He said no, that they stopped at a local place for beers. I actually was able to find out that he was at a female co-workers house. The female co-worker has a live in boyfriend so I'm not worried that my husband is cheating. However, he spent another 2 1/2 hours there and then came home. When he finally came home I asked him how the place was, and he said great. I even went as far as to tell him that I knew he didn't go to a local bar, to see if he would tell the truth, but he laughed and said I was paranoid. I know if I confront him he'll say that he didn't tell me because I wouldn't approve of his friends. There is some truth to that .... He tends to choose friends that like to get bombed and wasted with alcohol and otherwise. So what should I do??? S completely frustrated !!!


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Totallyfrustrated said:


> I actually was able to find out that he was at a female co-workers house. The female co-worker has a live in boyfriend so I'm not worried that my husband is cheating.


 You do realize even married people who cheat have been known to have sex with their affair partner in the marital bed, right?


----------



## Totallyfrustrated (May 15, 2013)

I guess I should be worried about an affair as well :/


----------



## Keeponrollin (May 14, 2013)

Lying for any reason in a partnership (dating,engaged or married) is wrong, I totally understand going out with the work group but when you start lying about being at another persons house and use the word paranoid then he trying to shift blame on you. You need to decide if this is what you want your life to be like and always worry if he telling you the truth or not.


----------



## Totallyfrustrated (May 15, 2013)

@keeponrollin....I have to agree with you. I am furious over it and I know that I'll have to confront him about it, I just don't know where things are going to go from here. We've been married for 23 years and I feel like I go through this ALL the time and his response is always that I don't trust him. Duh! There is a reason I don't trust him! Ugh! 
Thanks though, I just needed to hear it from someone else


----------



## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Don't let him get away with it if your relationship is important. He may never stop drinking but if he feels he has to lie about it then its like you 2 aren't really together. So call him out on it and figure out whether you can live with him getting bombed or if not whether that part of his life is more important than you.


----------



## Totallyfrustrated (May 15, 2013)

@mulekick....thanks.... I definitely have to call him out on things. And I think you're right. I really have to decide what I can live with.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Think about why he may be lying:

1 - affair. Always possible. Is there any way to check up on his whereabouts?

2 - Your reaction. Does he know if he told the truth ("I'll be home by 11:00.") it would not be acceptable to you? So, he says 7:00 to avoid any argument from you and then does what he wants, because ...

3 - There is no consequence for him not doing what he said he would do? 

This seems to be an ongoing thing and nothing you have done so far seems to sop it. Do you just take it and internalize your anger (which, to him, just means acceptance) or do you yell and scream, which makes him want to lie again just to avoid it before going out?


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Totallyfrustrated said:


> So for the most part I feel like I have an "ok" marriage but I feel like my husband and I are never on the same page. *He plays video insistently *and *likes to go out with people from work*. I don't really have a problem with him going out with people from work, however, *he always ends up lying about who he is with and what time he is coming home*. For example,* he went out for beers *after work. I asked what time he would be home and he said around 7. Well about 9:30 I decided to find out if he was coming home soon. I sent him a text and after 15 min or so he said he would be coming home soon, hence it was almost 10:45 when he finally came home. That Sunday he went golfing with another person from work and I asked him if he was going out for beers afterwards in which he emphatically said no. He left at 2:30 and around 5:30 I decided to text him again to see if he was still golfing. He said no, that *they stopped at a local place for beers*. I actually was able to find out that *he was at a female co-workers house*. The female co-worker has a live in boyfriend so I'm not worried that my husband is cheating. However, he spent another 2 1/2 hours there and then came home. When he finally came home I asked him how the place was, and he said great. I even went as far as to tell him that I knew he didn't go to a local bar, to see if he would tell the truth, but he laughed and said I was paranoid. I know if I confront him he'll say that he didn't tell me because I wouldn't approve of his friends. There is some truth to that .... He tends to choose friends that like to get bombed and wasted with alcohol and otherwise. So what should I do??? S completely frustrated !!!


OP, I just highlighted a couple things from your post. He plays a lot of video games, drinks with friends a lot, lies to you a lot. 

Where are your boundaries?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Totallyfrustrated said:


> ... he went out for beers after work. I asked what time he would be home and he said around 7. Well about 9:30 I decided to find out if he was coming home soon. I sent him a text and after 15 min or so he said he would be coming home soon, hence it was almost 10:45 when he finally came home.
> 
> ... he went golfing with another person from work and I asked him if he was going out for beers afterwards in which he emphatically said no. He left at 2:30 and around 5:30 I decided to text him again to see if he was still golfing. He said no, that they stopped at a local place for beers. ... I'm not worried that my husband is cheating. However, he spent another 2 1/2 hours there and then came home.
> 
> He tends to choose friends that like to get bombed and wasted with alcohol and otherwise.


He may be cheating. However, my first impression from what I read above is he is having an affair with alcohol. 

How can you tell if an alcoholic is lying? His mouth is moving and sounds are coming out.

The "normie" take on this situation is he may be cheating on you. Maybe. But "normies" don't know what it is like to live day in and day out with an alcoholic. An alkie makes manipulation, lying, and blame-shifting a work of art. They are masters of the game.

And they lie. A lot. About anything and everything. It can be as insignificant as lying about forgetting to pick up bread at the store on the way home to something as serious as cheating on a spouse.

I was married to a man who loved to play golf. He and his golf buddies always stopped at the 19th hole ... as in watering hole. And he never came home when he said he would. After all, hanging out in a bar with his fellow drunks was preferable to a boring evening at home with his wife. 

You know a person by the company he/she keeps. Look at the gang your husband hangs with. I think you understand what is going on here.


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You need to get some boundries set up fast!! If he keeps breaking them, ask him to move out till he figures out what he wants out of the marriage. But, be ready that he might say "I don't want the marriage". Do you know if the coworker is in an "open" relationship? 

Theres red flags for sure, start to prepare your emotions for ANYTHING that might come out of his mouth next.


----------



## Cora28 (Apr 30, 2013)

Hav eyou ever unexpectedly shown up at the place where he says he is? It would be interesting to do that. Sounds like he is using your trust and taking it further. Get onto him and fast and find out what he is doing otherwise this will drive you insane and therefore give him the excuse not to go home. Lying is not good and neither is the alcohol he is drinking. Maybe consider hiring a PI.


----------

