# Say It's not too late...



## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

have been married to my husband for 3 years and together for 10 years. We have a 10 month old daughter that we both adore. I have made a lot of mistakes in our marriage and they are now coming back to bite me.

I have been overbearing and a totally controlling for most of our marriage. I fully expected him to do everything I asked and change many things about himself. 

I don't fully understand why I treated him this way, but I do know that I love him with all my heart. I think that my control issue stems from having a mother that was bi-polar and my feeling of never being in control during my childhood.

Anyway, for the past several years I have done nothing but nag and put him down, often degrading him in front of mutual friends.

Most recently he had begun talking to a woman he sees doing work sometimes. They were texting and calling for at least four weeks.

I found out and was hear broken. 
He says I was a shame that it took this to make me see what I was doing.

Truth is I saw what I was doing and was told about it by many different friends, but I never changed, because I was convinced it really didn't bother him much. Boy was I wrong. 

He says that he has reached his breaking point and is no longer in love and that he has been unhappy for the past 6 months (Since I returned to work from Maternity Leave)

He has since stopped talking to the other woman, but I wonder if he is just waiting for a divorce before he pursues her.

I am extremely upset about his emotional affair, but I understand that I pushed him to it. Although that does not excuse it.

We have a daughter together and have been a couple since High School. I know that I did a lot of things wrong, I do not want to lose him. He says he wants to separate, but I feel like this will push him further away. We have a concealing session scheduled, but I feel like he is only doing it for our daughter's sake.

I cant help but feel that this "relationship" with the other woman helped push him to this point.

What do I do?
Please Help!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well now is the time to right the wrongs, and you know what those are. try a softer side and maybe he will see a change. Communication, boundries, and a date night will all help this along.

It isn't to late unless the dicorce papers are filed, and the judge rules on the case.

draconis


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Recognizing the opportunity is very important. You have this opportunity to demonstrate that you can change, and you want your marriage to work (of that is really the case). I am an example of a significant change (and work in progress) but the changes I and my wife made saved divorce (we already had the lawyer working) and has us in a great place.
Remember - men need to be respected. When they often cheat it isn't with a better looking woman, or just about the sex (in most cases not all). They get attention, respect, and a feeling of being important.
Husband and wife were meant to be a team. Not one to rule above, but also not one to be walked on, but to be side by side.
Good luck.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

First off, I appreciate the post. I really helps to get someone else's perspective.

I do hope that we still have a chance. He is a good man and a great dad. The problem is we are two very different people. Before the differences didn't seem to matter, but now they are catching up to us. 

We met when we were 17 years old. He didn't have a family life, so when we started dating, my family quickly became his too. We moved in together when I began college.
I was a communication major (how ironic) focusing on Broadcast television.

He worked hard as a union construction worker and supported me through college. hough I did have a part time job. Before finishing college , we bought our first house, and while we argued a lot, things still seemed good, because he adored me. 

We got married in 2004, right after I began working at my local news station. He was so supportive he would even pick me up from work every night so that I would not have to drive late. I never let him know I appreciated it though. Now, 4 years later and he's had enough. 

He says that he has tried to talked to me and tell me how he feels and I just blew him off.

I fear that he has given up on trying to get love from me and has turned to someone else for acceptance. He says she like the things he does and listens to him without judgement.

He does say that he has stopped communication with her, but I kinda feel like he wants to use the separation as a way to justify talking to her and seeing where it goes. 

I don't know if separation is the right approach. I feel it will only pull us further apart.

Also, he says that he doesn't want to keep discussing our problems ourselves and wants to wait to talk to our counselor to discuss more.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

What were the things he communicated with her about, and can you fill that role?

As far as being two different people never let that stand in your way. My wife and I are two different people too but she fills in my weaknesses and vice versa.

draconis


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I have been trying to show him that I've changed and some days are better than others for us. The other day I saw that he was looking at apartments on the internet. He saw that I was upset and told me that he really wasn't even looking. He ended up going out to a sports bar for two hours and coming home at 11pm. We talked about our relationship for a while and I was feeling really positive about everything. Things were good this morning too, until I sensed that he was being distant and I became upset. This led to an arguement.He said he wanted to do the counseling, but not if I keep bringing the topic up 5 times a day. He said the more I badger him about it the further I push him away. I do not get any of this. He is very friendly one minute and needs space the next. He says he still doesn't know what he wants and if i keep pushing, it will be over. He also said that he needs to start going out alone once a month and that I need that too. How can someone go from loving someone so deeply to being so distant?

I'm so confused right now. I don't know If I should just throw in the towel.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MOM2BELLA said:


> How can someone go from loving someone so deeply to being so distant?
> 
> I'm so confused right now. I don't know If I should just throw in the towel.


Over the years, while he probably felt horrible by the way you treated him, he learned to deal with it and probably in some ways believed this is what a relationship was like. The other woman has shown him that he can be respected and admired for just being himself. This was probably a big awakening for him. There is probably a part of him that is angry now that he realizes the woman he's loved all these years has not treated him that way in kind and now is in an awkward position because of it. 

His resentment is probably what makes him annoyed...that now that he finally decided to do something about the way he's felt, you are taking action. It can feel from his end that you are doing this for yourself, to reel him back in so you can get your life back to normal, but if you really loved him you would have done this on your own from the start, for him.

I absolutely do not think you should throw in the towel. I do think you should respect his wishes and discuss issues in counseling so he gets the space he's requesting. The worst thing you can do at this point is to appear overbearing and push him further away. I think you probably know best what causes you to want to be in control and maybe the best thing you could do for your husband right now is to go to counseling on your own to talk through these issues. Understanding why you are that way is one thing, but I think you now realize it is not serving you well to be this way and the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to learn how to stop being controlling ... I can tell you it will probably be a relief for you and you will have more energy to be yourself and love your husband for the man he is. He will need to see you have honestly changed your ways for good.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I totally agree with everything you said Swedish. I guess I just still cant understand how someone can love you so much and then 6 months after having our first child he decides to check out of our marriage. I'm trying really hard to give him the space he needs. 
I just miss having him in my life.

Tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary and I don't know how to act. I have been trying to appear happy, but I just want to cry all the time. Maybe he should move out. Maybe then he may see what he's giving up. 

What do you think?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Because of his emotional affair, in my opinion, him moving out may tempt him to contact her again. If he has agreed to end contact and begin counseling, I would start there and see how things go.

In the meantime, try to be patient with him and understand that he didn't feel this way over night, it was most likely slowly building up over the years so for him to respond at all to you now, you need to make the changes while he is still in the home...be patient, kind, loving....give him his space but let him see the changes you are making first hand.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I tried to be patient and understanding all day and then something he said upset me. We started argueing, then we talked. He said that he didn't know if he had it in him to keep trying, that I had said I would change time and time again and never did. 

No matter what he said he would have it in the back of his head that things would return to the way they were. 

I tried reassuring him that they wouldn't. He said he didn't think he could bring himself to try again. 
That I had hurt and belittled him time and time again. 

He didn't say that he wanted divorce for sure, but everything he did say pointed in that direction.

I understand that I shouldn't have brought things up again, but it was eating me up inside. 

I just can't comprehend why he can't just let go and start fresh. 
Why he can't forget about the past.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your best and only course of action is to continue to improve yourself and better communicate with your husband. There is noting wrong with arguing, it is how the conflict is resolved that matters. Your husband does not believe in your changes because of the pattern you set. It will take time for him to believe you really have changed. Be consistent and patient and with time he can come around. Good luck.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I don't know what to think. I checked the verizon phone logs today and saw that the other woman called twice yesterday for a minute a piece. I now going to say anything about what I found. Today's a 3 year anniv. and I cooked a nice dinner. 
Any thoughts?


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

He left me.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

MOM2BELLA said:


> He left me.


MOM2BELLA, I am so sorry to hear that. <hugs>


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

Today was our three year anniversary, I cooked a really nice meal. He came home late and would even look at me while was eating. He said that he didn't cheat on me but came pretty close to kissing her, but knew it was wrong.
He said he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore, evethough he thinks I am beautiful. He says that he is just not happy and wants the divorce. I feel like he wants to see what else is out there. 
I feel so incredibly hurt. We were so in love and so happy with the birth of our daughter. I never knew he had it in him to do this.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

MOM2BELLA said:


> He left me.


I am so sorry to hear that, specially since you were willing to try so hard.

(((HUG)))

draconis


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

Aceso and draconis thank you for the hugs i need them. 
I have been going through a really hard time, but i know i will come through it for my daughter.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

We are always here, even if you just need to vent.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear this. I think you are right in your original post when you say you think the woman from his work has a lot to do with his current mindset. Your mis-treating him over the years may have been slowing building up the way he feels, but when she came into the picture I think he decided rather quickly that he deserves better and her attention is clouding his thinking when it comes to wanting to give you a chance within your marriage (why work on an unsure thing (meaning he's unsure if your changes will last) when he has this new excitement waiting in the wings)

At this point, I would stay true to the changes you are working on and because of your daughter, he will still be around to see that you were serious. Either way, you working on being a better person will only help you and your daughter in the long run.

I also think this is a critical point for you. If he chooses to continue to be in contact with this woman, don't compromise your marital boundaries. In other words, if he flip-flops and wants to work on the marriage, she needs to be out of the picture. If he does pursue anything with her, it may not last long so be prepared as far as what you will do should he change his mind a few months down the road.

You will get through this & we are here if you need to vent.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

swedish;29601At this point said:


> :iagree:
> 
> While I hate to see any marriage end, please use this as an opportunity for self betterment. What has happened in your relationship with your husband is disheartening for you. Don’t carry all the blame yourself for past actions, he had other avenues to pursue in finding happiness with you and chose not to. Use the experience to learn from for a successful and happy relationship in the future is that is what you wish for.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

I'm telling him tonight that it would be best if he finds a new place this week. I am going to suggest that he gets a month to month lease just in case. Maybe if he moves out and doesn't have everything readily available at his finger tips, he may start to see what he's giving up.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear that he left, girl. Hopefully, he'll see what he's missing. Not that any time is much better, this at this time of the year, that really sucks. (((HUGS)))


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MOM2BELLA said:


> I'm telling him tonight that it would be best if he finds a new place this week. I am going to suggest that he gets a month to month lease just in case. Maybe if he moves out and doesn't have everything readily available at his finger tips, he may start to see what he's giving up.


How have the conversations been with him? Do you get angry/any yelling or are they calm? I know you are hurting right now but if you can remain calm during these talks it will help him to think about his decision...any anger on your part may just make him think 'how dare she be mad at me...she is the one who put me down all these years, etc.' and may only reinforce his decision.

It may also help him to hear that even if he has already decided that divorce is what he wants, you are still commited to staying the course with making changes for yourself and your daughter. Then, show him by your actions you are serious...be kind, respectful going forward. Really make him think about what he may lose in all of this.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

He says that he wants to still go to therapy so that we can try to work through this and still be friendly for the sake of our daughter. 
So he will come to conseling but nothing more.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

Ok, so i need some advice. I told my husband that he will need to find his own place preety soon. He said hewill work on it and try to be out by dec 27. He's having a hard time because, he's trying to find a place he can afford and still be able help pay our mortgage.

I talked to him last night asked him if this is really what he wants. He said yes, that he's not happy he knows that he's going to take a huge financial hit, but he saus it's what he needs to do.

We ae going to go to conceling so that we can work through the seperation/divorce and still get along for bella sake. I asked him last night if he would concider doing conceling for us and he hesitated at first, but then said he may after he sees how the first session goes. I am being stong, but kind and i kinda feel like he may be starting to realize what he's about to lose. 
I was up this morning when he left for work. He was quite, but not his usual angry composure. Before he left for work he said. Have a great day at work and i said it to him back.

Are there any possible steps that i may be able to take at this point, now that he's moving out that may begin to help him start to feel that love for me again?

I am thinking about how i can better myself in this situation for my daughters sake, but i still feel a glimmer of hope.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Counseling is a good start. I hope that you two get to work out your issues. Him wanting to end things on good terms is a good idea. And you never know. If you start understanding each other more, you just might fall in love again. But for now, think of your daughter and what's best for her.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

You want him to move out, but then ask him to go to marriage counseling to work on your relationship. Do you think that might be sending mixed messages? Please don't get upset, I am just wondering how he is seeing and hearing this?
I wish you all the best and I think counseling is a great start!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

In your original post you say you have been controlling, overbearing, always nagging and putting him down but you don't fully understand why. This is where I think you will gain the most for yourself and your daughter, if you can figure this out. This is also what your husband will need to see (that you've learned enough about yourself to understand this behavior and are changing it because you don't like being that way)

Individual counseling for yourself may be the way to do this. You say you love him very much but your treatment of him doesn't support that. Did your love for him become more apparent to you when you found out about his EA (and prior he annoyed you) or did you feel this love for him all along and perhaps the way you behaved was more due to your own insecurities where you felt you needed to keep him feeling down about himself so he would look up to you? At this point, anything you say that appears to be talking down to him or making him feel his feelings aren't valid will reinforce to him that you will not change. So in that sense, the way you are calmly talking right now is helping...you are listening to him and respecting how he's feeling and where his head is at right now.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think one of two things has happened either he is reconsidering his position or he has come to terms with his choice to leave.

draconis


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

SWEDISH,
I felt this love for him all along and it was my own insecurities that caused me to put him down to feel better about myself. My mother is Bi-Polar and I endured verbal abuse during my childhood. I never felt secure and that why i feel that I'm so controlling now.

I haven't called him at all today and he hasn't called either. 
He's the one who brought up apartments and eventhough he knows he will be struggling financially and won't see his beautiful daughter everyday, he is convinced he'll be happier.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

***
Last night when I got home from work he was in a good mood and even was talking about his day. As we talked more he brought out the apartment and the time he asked off of work for the counseling. 
He said he would still come over christmas day and then leave after. It would be too awkward for him to stay for dinner. 

I understood. 

I asked him what he wanted me to do with the comedy show pix I spent 300 bucks on. He said he would see if someone would buy them off of me, as it would be hard to go just as friends right now.

I Understood.

I asked him if we could consider a trial open separation while he moved out on his own for a few months. We would do the 8 session of counseling (With a focus on how to remain friends for Bella sake).

He said he would do the trial separation before filing for divorce.

(Is a trial separation a good thing or should we just start the filing and go through the 18 month separation now?) 

I'm not sure If I'm going to put the house up for sale now or wait a few months. 

If we go through the divorce he wants me to keep 75 percent of what we make from the house and all of his pension (Its only about 16,000) I will roll that into Bella's 529 College Fund. 

We we talked about visitation it got a bit heated. 
I have crazy hours working at a local TV station. An it will be hard for him to see her more that two whole days a week.
I feel bad, but he's the one choosing this.

I asked him if he thought there was ever a chance for us again.
He said he didn't know.

I understood.

I'll Miss Him.

P.S. Bella Took her first steps last night and we were both there to see it.
I was so happy I cried. He was overjoyed.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

I think both of you are going through this in a mature kind of way. I take my hat off to you. 

And congrats to Bella! XXX It's always exciting when they do things for the first time.  And I am glad you were both there to share the moment.


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

So, It's been almost three months since my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He broke his hand in a forklift accident, is on workman's comp and living with the other woman in an apartment 10 minutes from our home. 

He has not served me divorce papers yet, but I know he filed about a month ago and I expect to get served at the custody hearing.

Two weeks ago my grandmother, who I loved more than anything passed away from breast cancer after battling for 4 years. 
On the day she died I asked him to come over just to be with me so that I wasn't alone. He had just came from physical therapy and SHE was with him and he declined to come over to be with me in my time of mourning.

I was shocked that he refused, since my grandmother was a huge part of his life too. I told him that he would regret his actions for the rest of his life. He told me not to hold that over him.

The next morning, he showed up to my house out of the blue with coffee and a bagel. I was comforting, but distant.

The funeral service was three days later. He came and sat next to me, consoled me and took care of our daughter.
It felt like things never changed, until the service was over and 
he left alone.

Since that day, we have become friendly again and it almost feels like he is giving the divorce a second thought.

He told me that he is sorry for what he did to me and that we both have hurt each other through the years.
He also asked me why I could never tell him I loved him, when he said it to me. (I have anxiety & a problem showing affection in public.)

The past week or so I have felt things turning around, now I'm not so sure after today.

We had another good drop off this morning and when I picked Bella up he was very sweet.

Later this evening he called my best friend in Chicago.
They talked about us. He said he was so happy that we were getting along. He says that we get along better now, then the last few months he lived in our home. 

She asked him if there was any chance to reconcile. He said and I quote, "Divorce is imminent", but there's not telling what the future holds. I have made it clear the last few weeks that I would not take him back once we divorce.

In regards to his "Girlfriend" he says that he likes her and he's grateful that she is helping out with his hand. Also that they have a lot in common. (we are very different) 

When my friend asked what went wrong he finally told her that things were becoming routine and we didn't do anything anymore. (I had NO idea he felt this way.) 

He also told my friend that I seem happier than ever. i make a point to let him know when I going out to make him jealous, but I'm far from happy. I want my family back. 

I know I'm beating a dead horse, but is there any chance he could be reaching out even though he is telling my friend he still wants the divorce. 

Or is it that he is trying to give me the message through my friend that there's no hope for us at all.

What do you guy's think. I need some perspective.

P.S. He Texts and calls me here and there through the week with random comments and questions and it see=ms like he just wants to communicate with me. 

I'm still holding on to hope.

Mom2Bella-


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## McGraw (Mar 2, 2009)

I'm brand new to this forum, and when I read your post, it was almost as if I was reading my own journal. My husband just left me to stay at his dad's last Friday. I have been a wreck--can't eat, sleep, function, been to Dr., gave me nerve pills, which i have yet 2 take. We have been 2gether 4 13 yrs, 2 children and he has 1 (who lives w the mother). He used to b emotionally abusive 2 me 4 a very long time. Then one day I said no more after counseling w a women's shelter for a while. I became so strong, i guess too strong, but i used to be a passive submissive doormat all my life (im 35). I got nasty enough to tell him 2 go when we'd fight, but i never thought he would do it. We just lost his mom 2 cancer in Jan. and he is taking it really hard. I had a gut feeling that he was up 2 somethin but he never ever gave me a reason not 2 trust him--total family man, so devoted, hard worker, u name it. I guess took him 4 granted , cuz he started talkin 2 a female co-worker rite b4 his mom died. she sent him a txt and thats how i found bout her, sent it by accident 2 his phone the day he left me, after i confronted him... said he gave her a shoulder massage but nothin else happened--
so he was @ her house..said she wont mess him til he settles his marriage!??? didnt kno he was settlin anything! so i asked him bout her, he says shes a friend he talks 2 who has a HUSBAND & BOYFRIEND!!the boyfriend works w my hubby & her--talk bout a soap opera! I warned my hubby hes gonna get himself in hot water, playin w fire, he's smarter than that, totally acting like a different person, he knows better. He even sent her roses after i confronted her w a vmail to say he's sorry bout me!! she had the police call me to warn me not @ contact her!I cried 2 the police officer! I have begged him 2 come home, changed and told him i'd walk on water if i had 2. I lost my mind when he went 2 leave cuz he was outside txtin her!! said some things i regret. Weve been intimate (majorly) since he left but always had an awesome --x life. He tells me he loves me but also told me in another instance hes not in love w me. Fri. nite he stayed w me in r home 4 the 1st time in a wk. we were intimate, she called him he left r BED 2 talk 2 her got dressed went outside in his truck 4 75min.!!!He says shes goin thru a lot in her personal life. i tried 2 keep my cool so he'd kno i love him n am willing 2 do anything ANYTHING 2 keep him--I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH and will not give up on us. We talk every day and he's here every day..says he misses r home gives me money takes care of all bills, as i dont work. yesterday cried n said he misses his mom n his life is in such shamblesdoesnt kno if he's comin or goin, ..i held him n told him i love him.. i think he's goin thru a mid-life crisis. All i do is pray 4 a miracle so he will come around. if u have any insight, ANYONE, PLEASE HELP!!!
totally crushed.. he has so much 2 lose, r farm, me, r home, kids, his whole life has been us, 1 more thing, i was unfaithful 2 him after all the yrs of abuse, n tried 2 leave 4 a few wks. 3 yrs ago, but i thought we were past it all, i came back 2 him and he was better than ever, now he says he will never get over that...delayed reaction? I kno i wasnt the sweet girl he met inthe last several months i was pretty cranky a lot after quittin my job last may, so there was also a financial strain. I am so shocked all i do is cry...HELP!!! I want my husband more than anything!!! I miss my best friend!!


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## McGraw (Mar 2, 2009)

*i need help.. ANYONE!!!!!*

I'm brand new to this forum... My husband just left me to stay at his dad's last Friday. I have been a wreck--can't eat, sleep, function, been to Dr., gave me nerve pills, which i have yet 2 take. We have been 2gether 4 13 yrs, 2 children and he has 1 (who lives w the mother). He used to b emotionally abusive 2 me 4 a very long time. Then one day I said no more after counseling w a women's shelter for a while. I became so strong, i guess too strong, but i used to be a passive submissive doormat all my life (im 35). I got nasty enough to tell him 2 go when we'd fight, but i never thought he would do it. We just lost his mom 2 cancer in Jan. and he is taking it really hard. I had a gut feeling that he was up 2 somethin but he never ever gave me a reason not 2 trust him--total family man, so devoted, hard worker, u name it. I guess took him 4 granted , cuz he started talkin 2 a female co-worker rite b4 his mom died. she sent him a txt and thats how i found bout her, sent it by accident 2 his phone the day he left me, after i confronted him... said he gave her a shoulder massage but nothin else happened--
so he was @ her house..said she wont mess him til he settles his marriage!??? didnt kno he was settlin anything! so i asked him bout her, he says shes a friend he talks 2 who has a HUSBAND & BOYFRIEND!!the boyfriend works w my hubby & her--talk bout a soap opera! I warned my hubby hes gonna get himself in hot water, playin w fire, he's smarter than that, totally acting like a different person, he knows better. He even sent her roses after i confronted her w a vmail to say he's sorry bout me!! she had the police call me to warn me not @ contact her!I cried 2 the police officer! I have begged him 2 come home, changed and told him i'd walk on water if i had 2. I lost my mind when he went 2 leave cuz he was outside txtin her!! said some things i regret. Weve been intimate (majorly) since he left but always had an awesome --x life. He tells me he loves me but also told me in another instance hes not in love w me. Fri. nite he stayed w me in r home 4 the 1st time in a wk. we were intimate, she called him he left r BED 2 talk 2 her got dressed went outside in his truck 4 75min.!!!He says shes goin thru a lot in her personal life. i tried 2 keep my cool so he'd kno i love him n am willing 2 do anything ANYTHING 2 keep him--I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH and will not give up on us. We talk every day and he's here every day..says he misses r home gives me money takes care of all bills, as i dont work. yesterday cried n said he misses his mom n his life is in such shamblesdoesnt kno if he's comin or goin, ..i held him n told him i love him.. i think he's goin thru a mid-life crisis. All i do is pray 4 a miracle so he will come around. if u have any insight, ANYONE, PLEASE HELP!!!
totally crushed.. he has so much 2 lose, r farm, me, r home, kids, his whole life has been us, 1 more thing, i was unfaithful 2 him after all the yrs of abuse, n tried 2 leave 4 a few wks. 3 yrs ago, but i thought we were past it all, i came back 2 him and he was better than ever, now he says he will never get over that...delayed reaction? I kno i wasnt the sweet girl he met inthe last several months i was pretty cranky a lot after quittin my job last may, so there was also a financial strain. I am so shocked all i do is cry...HELP!!! I want my husband more than anything!!! I miss my best friend!!


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## McGraw (Mar 2, 2009)

*Help--anyone!!!!*



McGraw said:


> I'm brand new to this forum, and when I read your post, it was almost as if I was reading my own journal. My husband just left me to stay at his dad's last Friday. I have been a wreck--can't eat, sleep, function, been to Dr., gave me nerve pills, which i have yet 2 take. We have been 2gether 4 13 yrs, 2 children and he has 1 (who lives w the mother). He used to b emotionally abusive 2 me 4 a very long time. Then one day I said no more after counseling w a women's shelter for a while. I became so strong, i guess too strong, but i used to be a passive submissive doormat all my life (im 35). I got nasty enough to tell him 2 go when we'd fight, but i never thought he would do it. We just lost his mom 2 cancer in Jan. and he is taking it really hard. I had a gut feeling that he was up 2 somethin but he never ever gave me a reason not 2 trust him--total family man, so devoted, hard worker, u name it. I guess took him 4 granted , cuz he started talkin 2 a female co-worker rite b4 his mom died. she sent him a txt and thats how i found bout her, sent it by accident 2 his phone the day he left me, after i confronted him... said he gave her a shoulder massage but nothin else happened--
> so he was @ her house..said she wont mess him til he settles his marriage!??? didnt kno he was settlin anything! so i asked him bout her, he says shes a friend he talks 2 who has a HUSBAND & BOYFRIEND!!the boyfriend works w my hubby & her--talk bout a soap opera! I warned my hubby hes gonna get himself in hot water, playin w fire, he's smarter than that, totally acting like a different person, he knows better. He even sent her roses after i confronted her w a vmail to say he's sorry bout me!! she had the police call me to warn me not @ contact her!I cried 2 the police officer! I have begged him 2 come home, changed and told him i'd walk on water if i had 2. I lost my mind when he went 2 leave cuz he was outside txtin her!! said some things i regret. Weve been intimate (majorly) since he left but always had an awesome --x life. He tells me he loves me but also told me in another instance hes not in love w me. Fri. nite he stayed w me in r home 4 the 1st time in a wk. we were intimate, she called him he left r BED 2 talk 2 her got dressed went outside in his truck 4 75min.!!!He says shes goin thru a lot in her personal life. i tried 2 keep my cool so he'd kno i love him n am willing 2 do anything ANYTHING 2 keep him--I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH and will not give up on us. We talk every day and he's here every day..says he misses r home gives me money takes care of all bills, as i dont work. yesterday cried n said he misses his mom n his life is in such shamblesdoesnt kno if he's comin or goin, ..i held him n told him i love him.. i think he's goin thru a mid-life crisis. All i do is pray 4 a miracle so he will come around. if u have any insight, ANYONE, PLEASE HELP!!!
> totally crushed.. he has so much 2 lose, r farm, me, r home, kids, his whole life has been us, 1 more thing, i was unfaithful 2 him after all the yrs of abuse, n tried 2 leave 4 a few wks. 3 yrs ago, but i thought we were past it all, i came back 2 him and he was better than ever, now he says he will never get over that...delayed reaction? I kno i wasnt the sweet girl he met inthe last several months i was pretty cranky a lot after quittin my job last may, so there was also a financial strain. I am so shocked all i do is cry...HELP!!! I want my husband more than anything!!! I miss my best friend!!





McGraw said:


> I'm brand new to this forum... My husband just left me to stay at his dad's last Friday. I have been a wreck--can't eat, sleep, function, been to Dr., gave me nerve pills, which i have yet 2 take. We have been 2gether 4 13 yrs, 2 children and he has 1 (who lives w the mother). He used to b emotionally abusive 2 me 4 a very long time. Then one day I said no more after counseling w a women's shelter for a while. I became so strong, i guess too strong, but i used to be a passive submissive doormat all my life (im 35). I got nasty enough to tell him 2 go when we'd fight, but i never thought he would do it. We just lost his mom 2 cancer in Jan. and he is taking it really hard. I had a gut feeling that he was up 2 somethin but he never ever gave me a reason not 2 trust him--total family man, so devoted, hard worker, u name it. I guess took him 4 granted , cuz he started talkin 2 a female co-worker rite b4 his mom died. she sent him a txt and thats how i found bout her, sent it by accident 2 his phone the day he left me, after i confronted him... said he gave her a shoulder massage but nothin else happened--
> so he was @ her house..said she wont mess him til he settles his marriage!??? didnt kno he was settlin anything! so i asked him bout her, he says shes a friend he talks 2 who has a HUSBAND & BOYFRIEND!!the boyfriend works w my hubby & her--talk bout a soap opera! I warned my hubby hes gonna get himself in hot water, playin w fire, he's smarter than that, totally acting like a different person, he knows better. He even sent her roses after i confronted her w a vmail to say he's sorry bout me!! she had the police call me to warn me not @ contact her!I cried 2 the police officer! I have begged him 2 come home, changed and told him i'd walk on water if i had 2. I lost my mind when he went 2 leave cuz he was outside txtin her!! said some things i regret. Weve been intimate (majorly) since he left but always had an awesome --x life. He tells me he loves me but also told me in another instance hes not in love w me. Fri. nite he stayed w me in r home 4 the 1st time in a wk. we were intimate, she called him he left r BED 2 talk 2 her got dressed went outside in his truck 4 75min.!!!He says shes goin thru a lot in her personal life. i tried 2 keep my cool so he'd kno i love him n am willing 2 do anything ANYTHING 2 keep him--I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH and will not give up on us. We talk every day and he's here every day..says he misses r home gives me money takes care of all bills, as i dont work. yesterday cried n said he misses his mom n his life is in such shamblesdoesnt kno if he's comin or goin, ..i held him n told him i love him.. i think he's goin thru a mid-life crisis. All i do is pray 4 a miracle so he will come around. if u have any insight, ANYONE, PLEASE HELP!!!
> totally crushed.. he has so much 2 lose, r farm, me, r home, kids, his whole life has been us, 1 more thing, i was unfaithful 2 him after all the yrs of abuse, n tried 2 leave 4 a few wks. 3 yrs ago, but i thought we were past it all, i came back 2 him and he was better than ever, now he says he will never get over that...delayed reaction? I kno i wasnt the sweet girl he met inthe last several months i was pretty cranky a lot after quittin my job last may, so there was also a financial strain. I am so shocked all i do is cry...HELP!!! I want my husband more than anything!!! I miss my best friend!!


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## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

*Say It's not too late...my letter to him*

Our custody hearing is on the March 23rd and I just wrote this letter to my husband today. I am going to give it to him when we go to do our taxes next week. We have been getting along well and I feel like this is the last ditch effort before I get served the divorce papers.

Everyone tell me what you think.
My therapist thinks I need to write the letter to him so I can say I did everything.

Here's what I wrote:



Roger,

I realize that our marriage will soon be over. But after almost 10 years together, I owe it to you to write this letter. Everything that I am writing is straight from my heart. 
I only wish that I could have found a way to express my feelings sooner. Maybe these words could have opened up our lines of communication and saved our relationship, making it stronger than we could have ever imagined. Sometimes when bad things happen, they open our eyes to things we should have seen. 

Even though, I miss you everyday, this has opened my eyes to the issues inside me that I never addressed before. So thank you for bringing my issues out in the open. 

Living with my mom as a child I never felt stable and secure. I never felt truly loved by her. When I met you I finally felt true love. But I knew that all my previous relationships never lasted. In those relationships I was used. 

When we got together, I realized that you were different and I wanted to find a way to make our relationship really work. 
I was constantly trying to prove to myself that you loved me without a doubt. For example, I would say...If he loved me he wouldn't look at other women. If he loved me he would do anything I asked. 

Those were unrealistic demands and I was very wrong. 

I take 100 % responsibility for destroying your love for me. You always loved me and supported me and instead of expressing my love back to you and excepting you for the great Man, Husband and Father that you had become, I just retreated into my own world. I made myself feel better about my shortcomings, but criticizing you for every little thing that I thought the outside world world place judgement on.

In reality, the things that I was criticizing you were for, were things that I possessed inside of me. Things that I believed that the outside world would judge me for.
I now know that I was wrong. My anxiety prevented me from enjoying my life and our relationship.

There are so many things about you that I admire. You are an outgoing, fun, self assured and laid back. Those are traits that I am working develop within myself.

I am truly sorry that in end, I could not make you happy. I did a lousy job as your wife. I didn't make you feel good about yourself or our marriage. 

All I ever wanted was to be your wife and your best friend, to have a family with YOU. The family we both always wanted. In the end my own insecurities prevented me from becoming too close to you. 

I regret that we were not more intimate. Honestly, I lay and bed and imagine making love to you one last time. Showing you my love you in a Physical way, in a way that I never really did. In the end your a man, and you had needs that I did meet. I have those same needs and I'm sorry.


Please forgive me for making you feel less than, and putting up a wall. You should have felt comfortable enough to talk to me and tell me what problems you were having in our marriage. I never meant to hurt you. All I ever really wanted was to know you loved me unconditionally and that you would never leave me. I just wanted us to be happy as a family. As husband and wife. 

I made a lot of mistakes that I wish I could take back , but I cant.

And while I know its too late. My one wish would be to start over fresh, and begin our love again. A love that was so pure, and real in the beginning. 
The way that it used to be, with our guard down and our hearts open.

During the last few weeks I have spend time with others and while they have a lot in common with me and are fun to be with, I know I could never feel anything real for them, because they're NOT you. You made me happy. And while my happiness is slowly coming back, it will never be the same without you. 
You brought out the best in me. 

You will always be my husband in my heart, and even though I don't want the divorce, I accept it.

My only regret is that our little girl wont have a chance to grow up in a home with both parents, who love each other as much as they both love her. 
We owe it to her to try again together. but I understand why you cant bring yourself to try again.

I sorry that you felt that our life had become routine. I felt that too, but didn't know how to change it. I do now. But its too late for us. 
I hope that we can remain friends, even though I still want more.

I will work everyday to grow more independent and become a better woman for Isabella's sake.
I want to be someone she can be proud of. Not for what I accomplish or what I can provide for her, but for the quality person I am and hopefully inspire her to be. 
I want her to feel about me, the way I felt towards my grandmother. The way I felt about you.

Thank you for spending the last 9 years of your life with me. I'll miss being with you, being your wife.


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