# First Steps for Separation?



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

I met with my IC today and told her about my desire to seperate. Based on my relationship history, she understands this decision and is supportive. My husband is more than a decade older than me, we met when I was only 20, engaged 5 months later and things have been rocky from the start. Lying on my part, agressive/controlling/insecure behavior on his part. The signs were all there and we both should have known better. I was living in a FOO with a diagnosed but untreated Borderline mother and was preparing to graduate college with little support.

Anyway, I am wondering about the first steps to seperation. I told my H last weekend that I had been thinking about it, but am now 100% certain. Financially, we own a house together, have several joint bank accounts, family cell plan, about $15,000.00 in shared debt, and monthly bills. We also have a 2.5 yr old child who I provide 80-90% of the care for and time with. He has never given her a bath by himself, but will "keep her" for me and entertain her for periods in the evening. I am stably employed, graduate educated and professional. 

No one has moved out (although it will be me) and my IC advises that I speak to a lawyer before talking to my husband about finalizing seperation so that I am informed of my rights and what to do/not to do. For instance, if I were to move out before a seperation agreement was finalized, I could me accused of abandonment. Also, there is no custody agreement in place. 

My question is, what are the proper first steps? Is rushing out and seprating things like phone and banks accounts advisable before a legal document is in place? Where I live, mediation and collaborative seperation is legal, so litigation does not need to take place. 

My biggest concerns are: 1) He will want joint custody, which I do not believe to be in the best interest of the child. Currently, while living in the same home, custody and care is not joint. I believe it will be very traumatic to instantly force a child to spend 50% of her time with someone she doesn't do that with now. She doesn't even view him as a care giver and cries out for mommy when she is in need. He has never even given her a bath by himself or washed her laundry. I cook 99.9% of her meals, get her up in the mornings, put her to bed at night, wash her clothes, trim her nails, make her doctor's appts. He does take her and pick her up from daycare, but it is on his way to work. He would watch her for 3ish hours a couple days a week over the summer while I worked a part time job, but I paid for it when I came home. He would want to know what took so long, tell me multiple times how many diapers he changed, that he had to cook her breakfast, that it is my fault she cried for me after I left. It sucked. 

2) He will not buy out my half of the equity in the house or he will force a sale and the house will stay on my credit indefinately. With the mortgage on my credit and my current income plus student loans, my debt-to-income ratio only entitles me to $400/month of housing spending (rent or new mortgage). Unless we sell the house or he buys me out, finding new housing is going to be difficult if a credit check is required. The only asset I have is the half of our house, and I am going to propose that he keep the house and, rather than buy me out and have me return the money to him, he just absorb my half of our debt for my half of the house. If he gave me $20,000 I would just give it right back anyway. 

I appreciate anyone's constructive advice and help. I am looking forward to transitioning to a new life in a way that is as positive as possible for me and my daughter. Thank you for reading and taking the time.


----------

