# What should be shared?



## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

As some of you may know, my wife and I have a relationship talk once a week to work on or marriage. I think this is going very well, and have enjoyed the set aside time to talk about things. One thing that is very important to me is having open communication where both of us feel comfortable sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings. This has proven to be elusive up to this point.

We had an argument a few months ago that started on me asking about what she thought about when she got in the mood. She didn't want to tell me. I then got upset because I felt as though I deserve to have some knowledge about that. We went back and forth for quite some time about what she should share, and what she shouldn't. The argument ended with her telling me that she will never tell me things that she feels she wants to keep to herself. I feel like she should feel free to tell me any, and everything. Her response was that there are certain things she will never tell me, and I don't have the right to know. This has troubled me since then. 

I am sure that I am not creating an environment that makes her feel comfortable sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. The more I push for her to share, the more she withdraws. I think it's an environment we are both contributing to. 

I came across this article: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html

This left me with more questions than answers, which I think is a good thing. My question for everyone is this: What should be shared, and what should a husband or wife be able to keep to themselves?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think what people are comfortable with sharing varies from one person to the next and within a marriage their comfort zone should be respected as long as what they are keeping to themselves does not impact the marriage negatively (for example, hiding financial problems, etc.) 

There are those that are comfortable enough to announce their bodily functions (I need to go #2 now or I have bad period cramps, etc) and others (like me) who keep those things personal. I am very uncomfortable talking about these things but if it will impact us as a couple I let my husband know in a way I am comfortable with "Tonight would be bad" etc. without getting graphic.

When it comes to sexual fantasies, I would place those in the same category. If it's simply a fantasy and there is no desire to ever make it any more than that, I don't see any need to divulge it to my spouse. I don't have any desire to have him show up in a fabio wig, really. Ok, I really don't have that fantasy but you get my point. Talking about these things might bring you closer together and might give you some creative ideas to try (hubby and I have done this to some extent), but they may also may you feel insecure in some ways that you aren't enough (hear it over and over from women who find their husbands looking at porn) 

So I guess I view this as a grey area and err to the side of respecting my husband's comfort level on what he shares with me. I also let him know why I'm asking but will still respect his privacy if he's not comfortable sharing.


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

I think it's pretty natural for people to keep some things to themselves, no matter how close and intimate the relationship. We are still individuals with our own thoughts and minds after all. As swedish said, as long as the secrets aren't anything that would hurt the other spouse or the marriage, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Obviously if she's hiding something that would hurt you or stress your marriage, that's one thing, but I doubt that's it.

In any case, you already know part of the reason she won't talk to you about it. You've previously existed in this pattern of pressing her and her pushing back. It's natural for her to react that way, it's not "sharing" when you feel like one person is pushing you into it, and it's normal to fight back. So even though now you guys are trying to work on these things together and open up communication, the past is still in your minds. She has already felt you press her on this before, and so sharing private emotions and thoughts may take more time and effort. And remember, you're talking about something incredibly personal. You may feel you have the right to know about what she is thinking about when she's in the mood, but maybe there wasn't anything specific in her mind, maybe it wasn't something she was comfortable talking about or putting into words. Then the second you push her, she pushes right back and all of a sudden she's angrily saying "there are things I'll never tell you" when really, they are probably few, far between, and pretty minor. But just being pressured makes everything all of a sudden blown out of proportion.

Maybe the next time you do bring this up with her, think about why you want her to share first. Is it so that you want to know everything she feels so that you can be better about getting her in the mood in the first place, or is it you imagining she's thinking of something you wouldn't like and that's why she won't tell you. If it's the latter, it's almost certainly all in your head. If it's the former, just explain it to her that way. Apologize to her for that night, and tell her that all you really want is to know is how to make her happy and what gets her in the mood the most so that you can always do your best to please her. Just ask her if there is anything you can do to help her feel more comfortable talking about those intimate things, but at the same time let her know you're not pressuring her to talk about it. If she doesn't want to share them yet, let her know it's ok, then maybe ask her if it's ok if you bring it up again some time down the road when you've reached the point as a couple that communication is more open and unforced.

You guys are on the right track, just remember to take things slowly. You don't need to have all the answers and 100% open communication all at once. You haven't had that for a long time, so it just takes a while to build those things back up. Remember, if you push too much too consistently it can create an emotional overload of sorts and cause her to shut down more than continue opening up.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

BlueCreek said:


> Maybe the next time you do bring this up with her, think about why you want her to share first. Is it so that you want to know everything she feels so that you can be better about getting her in the mood in the first place, or is it you imagining she's thinking of something you wouldn't like and that's why she won't tell you. If it's the latter, it's almost certainly all in your head. If it's the former, just explain it to her that way. Apologize to her for that night, and tell her that all you really want is to know is how to make her happy and what gets her in the mood the most so that you can always do your best to please her. Just ask her if there is anything you can do to help her feel more comfortable talking about those intimate things, but at the same time let her know you're not pressuring her to talk about it. If she doesn't want to share them yet, let her know it's ok, then maybe ask her if it's ok if you bring it up again some time down the road when you've reached the point as a couple that communication is more open and unforced..


My feeling is more than just wanting to know what gets her in the mood. I really don't have any boundries as far as sex goes, and she is aware of that. So I don't think keeping something inside because I wouldn't like it doesn't fit that I know of. 

It goes beyond the bedroom. To be honest, it would be nice to know more about those things, but far from a priority. It's the intimacy of sharing things that we can't share with other people. She has a hard time talking to anyone about anything intimate. When she finally does, it is not communicating, its venting. 

We are supposed to breach this topic tomorrow, and I am just trying to get a feel for it. It really is the most important topic to me that we are going to cover so far. I don't want to fall into my pattern of pushing for more information.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Does your wife avoid confrontation? I do and I know many times it does cause me to keep things to myself. My husband is usually not afraid to voice his opinion and thinks very analytically so there are times I will not share simply because I don't want to get into a back and forth discussion. Sometimes I just want to talk and have my feelings acknowledged...I guess it's venting but I don't need him to 'fix' anything...maybe just a hug. We are both getting better at understanding what the other needs as far as communicating goes and opening up but it's a slow process since we are both fairly introverted.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> Does your wife avoid confrontation? I do and I know many times it does cause me to keep things to myself. My husband is usually not afraid to voice his opinion and thinks very analytically so there are times I will not share simply because I don't want to get into a back and forth discussion. Sometimes I just want to talk and have my feelings acknowledged...I guess it's venting but I don't need him to 'fix' anything...maybe just a hug. We are both getting better at understanding what the other needs as far as communicating goes and opening up but it's a slow process since we are both fairly introverted.



Yes, I think that she does keep things in to avoid controntation. I am also very analytical, and openly emotional. I like to talk about everything and delve deep into any and all topics.

If she were to say "I need to vent about something that happened, can you listen to this" I would be more than happy to ablidge. Knowing up front that I need to turn off my analytical side would be helpful.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

We are both analytical so we actually did start doing that...starting a sentence with "I don't need you to do anything, I just want to tell you this..." It has helped us to open up more.

I would also think the more you 'turn off' the analytical the more likely she will feel more comfortable opening up.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I really like that idea! I think that may be something we have to do as well.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

its nice to share lots of things together in a marriage, when you get married, its the whole, truth, honor and love eachother stuff.
but i dont think everything needs to be discussed.
but if my hubby had n e questions, i would not hesitate to answer. 
but sometimes, i also think - we think to much. 
does every moment have to be down to the last detail. quiet times can be filled with a lot of pleasure.enjoy yourself and your marriage.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

justean said:


> its nice to share lots of things together in a marriage, when you get married, its the whole, truth, honor and love eachother stuff.
> but *i dont think everything needs to be discussed.
> but if my hubby had n e questions, i would not hesitate to answer. *but sometimes, i also think - we think to much.
> does every moment have to be down to the last detail. quiet times can be filled with a lot of pleasure.enjoy yourself and your marriage.



That is where I want to get. If I have a question, she has shown apprehension to tell me even things that I find trivial. I let a lot of things like that go. As they have added up, it turned into a problem. Its not one thing kept secret, its a whole bunch of things.

I agree totally that we do think too much, and should allow ourselves more pleasure to come. That can be tough for some, and can come so easily to others.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

yes you can teach yourself. i did .
if your concerned about past matters, you have to let them go. 
if your matter and in the present, deal with them in a non aggressive, too forward a manner. 
dont let them add up. some things are really silly.
sometimes i go to ask a stupid question, but i actually stop myself, because its just that stupid. 
stupid things should not build up into n e thing large. 
like i said its because we put too much into things and think to much.
pull yourself back. if you feel yourself getin het up, its simply because you dont need to be in eachothers company 24/7 to love eachother. go out, go to your room, read a book. 
we are allowed feelings and emotions. but they come with the real issues. but try and communicate throughout and you can even deal with them better in the long run to.
i think you just have to find a balance that something that is trivial to you , might not be for her. but that goes vice versa too.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

We currently do not have joint days off, and only really have a couple hours a night to talk. The things we talk about can get to be just what we need to get done for the next day, what happened with the kids, etc... Because our communication is not all that great putting off talking about things that we don't want to is easy.

You are right that things that may seem trivial to me, may not be for her. However there should be some give and take on both sides. I should not be allowed to pry into some subjects, but she should be willing to share some on others. Finding what subjects are better left alone is something I don't know where to start.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ok, start with this then, what information do you actually want from her , we can go from there. 
on a personal level i dont care about what my hubby did when we split up, or who he did things with. obviously its nice to know what he did when he was younger. but they are things, that are that, they are that persons past. when my hubby met me, that became our future. when we split up, i accepted when he met other women, we were that split up. 
ok i admit of course it came up later, what doesnt, but things are said in jest rather than hurtful ways. but life in general is about your kids, relationships, holidays, time together. u really have to find that balance. 
i sincerely think the information you want , is simply not required. some memories she may have , just may not be appropriate. 
just an example - my mother in law is 78, she had a horrendous up bringing. only child . she absoultely hates christmas. as a child growing up on a farm, it wasnt christmas it was slaughter time , because ppl were wanting their christmas meats. from that early age , she was expected to kill them herself and watch her father.
ask her about her past, she really doesnt want to think about it. 
i know is not her past - but the more you push it, you could actually cause more problems, because you wont let go.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

justean said:


> ok, start with this then, what information do you actually want from her , we can go from there.
> on a personal level i dont care about what my hubby did when we split up, or who he did things with. obviously its nice to know what he did when he was younger. but they are things, that are that, they are that persons past. when my hubby met me, that became our future. when we split up, i accepted when he met other women, we were that split up.
> ok i admit of course it came up later, what doesnt, but things are said in jest rather than hurtful ways. but life in general is about your kids, relationships, holidays, time together. u really have to find that balance.
> i sincerely think the information you want , is simply not required. some memories she may have , just may not be appropriate.
> ...


Well to be perfectly honest I think this issue started with knowing more about her life outside of the house. She is a hair stylist, and she has a lot of people that she talks to at work. She wasn't open to sharing much about that. Then it moved on to intimate thoughts on sex. She said she never thought about it, which took me a really long time to understand. Then it kind of just morphed into where we are now. She doesn't open up about anything in part because I pushed so much. 

I guess I would like to know more about her life at work. I know there are relationships she has had with people that either worked close to her, or with her that she didn't want to share with me. I just want to get to the point to where if I ask something she will either tell me about it, or tell me that she would rather not tell me. She just dodges the questions I ask now.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

reading your mail, your interest seems fair. but i wouldnt look into to much. hairdressers usually take the brunt of gossip. i admit to coming home and having a pop about someone now again in work or up the farm, where my horse is. mainly because of laziness. but when i talk my hubby says sometimes to much is said about work. he doesnt know the ppl i work with and vice versa, so dont really let them be of a concern for you.
my hubby says leave work in work. 
but if i ask a simple question it does get answered. 
ask her simple things. what styles does she like best. if she asks why your intrique, simply say. 
id just like to know what your thoughts are. and how you feel about work. 
dont ask lots of questions, they simply are not needed.
then talk about what you did. i had to teach my hubby to talk with out the need to be asked how his day was. he is much better now. 
if he wants to talk he will , if he cant be bothered, i dont bother either.
just ask how her day went and leave it at that.
its a shame it has gone into your sex life. 
but tell her its important to you, to know how she feels , tell her how you feel.
do you have children, do you spend time together, actually suggest you need to feel you have contact with eachother so that you get out of your lull situation. 
every marriage has one now and again. mine isnt perfect. but its better now than it has been for a long time. 
tell her how she is making you feel. atleast then you can work on from that point. but you have to be on your own.
do you touch her, kiss her. or does she push you away


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Well the one thing she has said is that being a hair stylist people like to use her as a second therapist. When she gets home she is drained, and really doesn't want to talk about things like that. Which I understand to a point, but it became a habit.

We have a two year old girl, and a boy that turns 6 in a couple weeks. We have gotten into a bad rut of never going out together. Since we don't have joint days off, it is a little tough. I have been pushing for her to adjust that, and I think that is going to happen in the next month or two.

She is affectionate, and since we have started having our weekly talks there has been a lot more affection, which has been a joy!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

so you are getin somewhere. you think its a habit, but i really would let your constant habit of asking about it go. you need to adjust the way you are. as your having weekly talks, then do that if it helps.
but pay her more attention, ok you simply are not getin time together, that has to change. take her out for meal, get a babysitter. but your both making efforts, other things wil come with time. 
if shes in the kitchen , make cheeky gestures, touch her, kiss her neck. i actually think you have a little insecurness. but really you just need to focus on what important. 
plannin for your future. go to a hotel for the night. wine. flowers.
we all have lull times. 
my hubby and i have not been out together for a long time. but we have been to the hotel, i have had flowers, we take the children out. we just bought a hot tub and this has helped a great deal. my hubby had a one night stand in april. so we have had lots to overcome. thats why we have not gone to pubs etc. i have my own hobbies and so does he. yes i go out now and again.
if we want to talk we do, but we dont have to talk all the time. just doing being around eachother is nice. 
we dont do something every week. its called making the most of home life. but do geniune acts of chivalry, she wil love it. 

i think you have already made a start, you can move forward.
have fun


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

justean said:


> so you are getin somewhere. you think its a habit, but i really would let your constant habit of asking about it go. you need to adjust the way you are. as your having weekly talks, then do that if it helps.
> but pay her more attention, ok you simply are not getin time together, that has to change. take her out for meal, get a babysitter. but your both making efforts, other things wil come with time.
> if shes in the kitchen , make cheeky gestures, touch her, kiss her neck. i actually think you have a little insecurness. but really you just need to focus on what important.
> plannin for your future. go to a hotel for the night. wine. flowers.
> ...


The weekly talks are going really well. Last night I think we made a lot of progress. She had said that she didn't feel in control of her life, and she would keep things to herself because it gave her something to control. She also said she did that with sex as well. She also agreed to see a counselor which was great! She has always been hesitant to do that. I am very grateful she is willing to at least give that a chance. I think it will help her a lot, not just in our marriage but for her own personal happiness.


We are taking the kids and going to Seattle for the weekend. Which we haven't done anything like that in years. We are both really looking forward to it. Last week I got her a gift certificate to get a pedicure, and she went and had that on Tuesday. She really enjoyed that. She also is starting to relax some, especially this week now that she is on vacation. All in all things are going really well, and progressing.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i am really pleased for you. the biggest things come in the smallest of packages. i think your also learning how to treat a woman. your doing very well. just keep doing it.


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