# Putting My Pants Back On



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Been married 16 years. Usual story - over time she took over more and more until she was wearing the pants in the family. No sex. No affection. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Recently a lot has happened to us, but one thing is that she actually told me she wanted me to be more dominant. The problem is that when I do it, she fights it. Every time I do make a real decision, take control, she says things like, "when you act this way it makes me want to leave you..." She doesn't actually threaten it, but just says things like that. 

Why is she acting that way when she wants this? And how do I a) handle those statements; and b) take some control.

BTW I'm already starting on the fix yourself program, working out, etc.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When she says that, you say, "There's the door."

Honestly. I mean, if she's going to say it, the you can call her bluff.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Actually I have, but I don't need to keep hearing it. 

I guess the bigger issue isn't really what she says, so much as she gets so pissed when I'm taking control the way she actually wants me to? It makes no sense!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It makes no sense! So call her on it. Tell her if she keeps threatening to leave, then you will leave. This is insane. She wants you assertive, but then says she'll leave when you act that way.

Ew.


----------



## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

You sound like a decent guy so as long as your not being a jerk while making the decisions etc she's being crazy.

You can't be assertive and then get punished for it- that would drive anybody nuts. 

There needs to be a conversation where you lay out example a, b, and c of these times and say 'what do you really want?"

(of course I wonder what you want at this time, too? are you happy or unhappy, willing to work it out or wanting to leave etc)


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I was kind of where you are a few years back. Read _No More Mr. Nice Guy_ and _Hold On To Your Nuts_. My W threatened to leave/divorce a few times when I started growing my sack back. I'd back off, and try to talk to her about it. That worked for shyte. Now, when she threatens that, I calmly tell her, "Okay, I'll take off work in the morning to see a lawyer." Then I shut up. She backtracks very quickly on that.

I think your W does want you to wear the pants again. BUT...she doesn't trust that you're up for the job at this point, so she's testing your new sack. Be prepared, b/c she will ramp up the tests as you work on yourself.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with showing her the door (Don't you offer to leave!)


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Maybe her idea of dominant isn't your idea of what it is......My husband and I have these problems a lot you can think your on the same page but when we break it down sometimes it means totally different things for each of us. Maybe your idea of dominant is her idea of aggressive....?? You might want to have a conversation that clears this up. "hunny, you say you want me to be dominant what is your idea of what dominant is?"


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> There needs to be a conversation where you lay out example a, b, and c of these times and say 'what do you really want?"
> 
> (of course I wonder what you want at this time, too? are you happy or unhappy, willing to work it out or wanting to leave etc)


Yeah, that's a conversation she won't have. Just makes her madder when I try.

I'm pretty unhappy at the moment, but honestly I think fixing this problem will help a lot. There are issues with her health that actually make me uncomfortable with leaving her right now. I can't prevent her from doing it, and I can make it clear that I won't try though.

Actually yesterday she started that crap, and said she'd call her dad to come get her right now, and was that what I wanted? I said go ahead. She backed off pretty quick and it did feel good. But going through this crap every time I make a decision is getting old fast.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

sculley said:


> Maybe her idea of dominant isn't your idea of what it is......My husband and I have these problems a lot you can think your on the same page but when we break it down sometimes it means totally different things for each of us. Maybe your idea of dominant is her idea of aggressive....?? You might want to have a conversation that clears this up. "hunny, you say you want me to be dominant what is your idea of what dominant is?"


I don't think that's it. I don't think the word "dominant" actually ever came up in the conversation. I'm not being aggressive at all. I'm just taking some control and making decisions for the family. Mostly when she gets mad i reply with just that. I say I made a decision for our family. It's the having to listen to her rant spit venom about it that's the pain in my ass.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Toffer said:


> I agree with showing her the door (Don't you offer to leave!)


He's done that. lol And she continues to threaten to leave when he asserts himself. If I was him, I'd assert myself out the door. Oh well.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Drover said:


> I don't think that's it. I don't think the word "dominant" actually ever came up in the conversation. I'm not being aggressive at all. I'm just taking some control and making decisions for the family. Mostly when she gets mad i reply with just that. I say I made a decision for our family. It's the having to listen to her rant spit venom about it that's the pain in my ass.


Then leave the room when she gets this way. Tell her you won't even talk to her when she can't be mature and discuss things rationally.

No place for this shet in a marriage.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Drover said:


> Actually yesterday she started that crap, and said she'd call her dad to come get her right now, and was that what I wanted? I said go ahead. She backed off pretty quick and it did feel good. But going through this crap every time I make a decision is getting old fast.


You guys have probably been doing the crazy dance for many years, so this will take time. Stay calm when she makes that threat, and keep your reply simple...like you did. If you're consistent, she'll learn that that no longer gets you spun up. 

Of course, then she'll probably find some other button to push.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Always stay calm and if she acts like a child, let her. Don't feed into it or act like you care if she leaves. She'll shut up soon enough.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Drover said:


> I don't think that's it. I don't think the word "dominant" actually ever came up in the conversation. I'm not being aggressive at all. I'm just taking some control and making decisions for the family. Mostly when she gets mad i reply with just that. I say I made a decision for our family. It's the having to listen to her rant spit venom about it that's the pain in my ass.



Well maybe she would like to be at least included on a decision. Like you ask her about what she thinks and at least take her opinion into mind before you make "the decision for the family" cause to some people you making a COMMAND DECISION for the family might be consider a little bit Controling dear. I know I lost it when I was pregnant with my husband and I son and we were engaged and he decided to VOLUNTEER for a deployment without even asking me that would have put him gone for our child. I would have liked to at least had a saying on that. Granted when he told me I lovingly told him how I felt about it and that it would be our only kid and he would regret not seeing the birth.... I guess what I am saying is instead thinking it is or isnt bring the convo up...get a better understanding before this small tiny issue becomes drama.


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I have a hard time offering advice to any posters that start off their stories supplying "blah, blah, blah" in place of actual details, depth, and insight into their situations.

I can't take you seriously... sorry.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

sculley, You might be right. A couple of things on that. One, she makes a stink even on small things. I'm not going to allow her to second guess every decision I make. Two, it doesn't matter what the decision is she wants to turn it into a big drama and argue it to death, and will probably get nasty about it if she doesn't get her way. I've been letting her get her way about everything too long. I don't see the point in having two arguments, one while making the decision and one after, over something that isn't even worth one argument.

I think what it is she's been making nearly all the decisions unilaterally for so long she's just used to that. It's a habit. Now that I'm making some of them she's losing some control and is fighting it out of habit, even though it's what she wants.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Keep in mind that there is a big difference between taking control over a decision in a way that helps her, versus taking control over a decision in a way that takes the control away from her.

I don't think your journey will be an easy one. I'd particularly focus on taking action, or leadership, on the day-to-day things that might otherwise default to her, based on your inaction. For instance, addressing things that break around the house, bills that need to be contested, or the long list of things that the two of you have talked about doing. If these were a problem in the past, or if she had to remind you, these are an easy win to show her that you mean business.

There is a big part of your journey that must come from within. You respond and take control in certain instances because you instinctively know it to be the right thing to do. You address troublesome neighbors, or issues with family or friends. This part of you is constant, and the noise around you, like your wife's tests, don't get a response. In fact, part of being in control is how inneffective she perceives her unfair attacks to be. Maybe you deflect with humor, or other tactics.

I'll be clear about what I consider to be the most important part: Your vision for what you want to be as a man is not elevated above your love and respect for your wife. She isn't the loser in this journey. Telling her how you intend to respond to an issue isn't a sign of weakness - it can be a sign of inner strength and respect for her. Take small steps for a while. Be patient and calm in explaining what you are doing. In effect, be the better person. That takes strength. Remind her often that part of your reason for doing this is because you love her, and you are genuinely trying to improve the marriage. Learn to distinguish between a challenge from her and a simple request to be kept out of the dark. Remember, you let this happen to the relationship, but getting out of the mess isn't as easy as the long slide into the current relationship dynamic. 

Focus on the fact that both of you have natural strengths in different areas. Sometimes, showing that you can be man enough to let her have control of certain areas can go a long way to her letting go of the areas where you can be stronger.

She will only respond with emotional outbursts until the point where they no longer accomplish anything. Period. Either they get ignored, or you set firm boundaries, but never retaliate in kind. 

There are others on this site who can offer much better, specific ideas to address some of the challenging situations. Hopefully, if you talk about some specific instances where your changes have set her off emotionally, some of the others will offer better feedback.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But in your other thread you say your wife was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

That makes a difference, man. Geebus.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> But in your other thread you say your wife was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.
> 
> That makes a difference, man. Geebus.


Yes, it does. I'm well aware of that, and making adjustments for it. I was trying to get advice in isolation from that fact.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Drover said:


> she makes a stink even on small things. I'm not going to allow her to second guess every decision I make. Two, it doesn't matter what the decision is she wants to turn it into a big drama and argue it to death, and will probably get nasty about it if she doesn't get her way.


Reminds me of the old joke, "If a man was alone in the desert and he said something, would he still be wrong?"

Your wife has developed some bad habits and she needs to replace them with more self control. Why not tell her directly that you

-don't like her second guessing your decisions
-don't think it is appropriate for her to escalate trivial disagreements into a threat of her leaving

When she does one of these things, reply as above. Leave it at that and don't respond to anything more she says


----------



## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Drover said:


> Been married 16 years. Usual story - over time she took over more and more until she was wearing the pants in the family. No sex. No affection. Blah. Blah. Blah.
> 
> Recently a lot has happened to us, but one thing is that she actually told me she wanted me to be more dominant. The problem is that when I do it, she fights it. Every time I do make a real decision, take control, she says things like, "when you act this way it makes me want to leave you..." She doesn't actually threaten it, but just says things like that.
> 
> ...


1. Handle those statements by calling her bluff or calling her out..state: If thats how you feel, theres the door, see ya later, hope we can be friends...bye bye now..

2. Regarding taking some control....see number 1


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's called a fitness test or a **** test. You "seem" like you're taking control, but if you give up immediately at a little resistance like this, then you fail the test and your "dominance" is exposed for the weak fraud that it is. Men who are actually dominant ignore bs like this.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Heh, I'm about 3 days into a 180. I could tell she noticed almost immediately that something was different. Today she started a fight about something. I didn't fight back, just told her she was welcome to fight about it, but I wouldn't be available to fight with.

She turned it to marriage talk, which she had been avoiding like the plague. I told her she was welcome to leave if she wanted. I acknowledged that I had been a passive-aggressive pushover for years, but said I wouldn't be anymore. It was almost funny how she immediately stopped ranting and got very quiet. Then she started being rational about things, and really didn't disagree with anything I told her.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Meg, screwed up tonight. She initiated another talk about our marriage and I went along with it. I told her flat out that I wasn't putting up with sh*t anymore which she actually seemed to like. She did try a minor fitness test where she said she wasn't going to be my submissive Asian bride (no offense to anyone, it's what she said). I called her on it and everything went well.

Then she wore her sexy underwear to bed, but under PJs. I told her to forget the PJs and come close to get warm. She came halfway over and lay kinda halfass across my arm. I laughed and told her she was a stubborn little brat because she'd rather be uncomfortable than just do what I told her. 

After we watched our movie, she rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up later and tried to initiate (yeah it was stupid at this point in a 180 but i was also half asleep). She woke up and pushed me away. I tried again and she got pissed, saying I was ignoring what she wanted. I said she was ignoring what I wanted and left the room.

Oh well. I screwed up. Back to the 180 tomorrow and act like nothing happened...


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Oh yeah, and I flat out told her that when she acted badly that she really just wanted me to tell her "no" and I was going to. I really expected her to deny it and want to argue. She just got quiet. I really think she didn't even know she was fitness testing and it made her think.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Drover said:


> Meg, screwed up tonight. She initiated another talk about our marriage and I went along with it. I told her flat out that I wasn't putting up with sh*t anymore which she actually seemed to like. She did try a minor fitness test where she said she wasn't going to be my submissive Asian bride (no offense to anyone, it's what she said). I called her on it and everything went well.
> 
> Then she wore her sexy underwear to bed, but under PJs. I told her to forget the PJs and come close to get warm. She came halfway over and lay kinda halfass across my arm. I laughed and told her she was a stubborn little brat because she'd rather be uncomfortable than just do what I told her.
> 
> ...


I can side on the whole asian comment. (my husband was married to a japanese woman before and she was really submissive....no offense to anyone...) but he knew when he got with me that I was hard headed, independant, and will speak my mind (within reason) heck that was one thing that attracted him to me. I will not allow my husband to talk to me like a **** or in any way disrespectful. THere is a difference between being the man of the house and degrading your spouse. Please also realize she has a condition (my husband has different anxiety disorders and PA) is she on meds? Because her actions sound like her classic condition.

At the end of the day you guys both have to respect each other and be able to comprimise on issues that you dont agree on..I am not saying one of you comprimise...ya'll both talk it out and come up with something your both comprimising on and can live with. I know it's hard but it is key to living in a non resentful home...

When you initiated it?? what did you do, did you just grop and assume she was gonna fall all over you? just sounds to me in your description she wore her sexy underwear to bed and then did what you asked by not wearing her pjs....when she layed halfass on you it was your job (yes it's 50/50) to bring her close or make her feel like you wanted her and weren't just ordering her around... sorry just my opinion and just alittle something to think about.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

sculley said:


> When you initiated it?? what did you do, did you just grop and assume she was gonna fall all over you? just sounds to me in your description she wore her sexy underwear to bed and then did what you asked by not wearing her pjs....when she layed halfass on you it was your job (yes it's 50/50) to bring her close or make her feel like you wanted her and weren't just ordering her around... sorry just my opinion and just alittle something to think about.


Noooo...she kept the PJs on. And it was like o.k. I'll lie here next to you but I won't get comfortable and I won't like it! lol. It really was kinda funny. She did everything but cross her arms and grit her teeth. 

But really my point was that it was stupid of me to initiate sex, especially in the middle of the night and then to get pissy about it. I wasn't blaming her. That was all on me.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Drover said:


> Noooo...she kept the PJs on. And it was like o.k. I'll lie here next to you but I won't get comfortable and I won't like it! lol. It really was kinda funny. She did everything but cross her arms and grit her teeth.
> 
> But really my point was that it was stupid of me to initiate sex, especially in the middle of the night and then to get pissy about it. I wasn't blaming her. That was all on me.


Maybe she wanted you to initiate and take the clothes off lol I mean she didn't have to wear sexy underwear...When my husband thinks I am just gonna be easy that night he doesn't get off on the hook at all.


----------



## geek down (May 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> When she says that, you say, "There's the door."
> 
> Honestly. I mean, if she's going to say it, the you can call her bluff.


I used to tell my wife, 'You know where the door is, you've used it many, many times."


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

sculley said:


> Maybe she wanted you to initiate and take the clothes off lol I mean she didn't have to wear sexy underwear...When my husband thinks I am just gonna be easy that night he doesn't get off on the hook at all.


I wish that was the case.


----------

