# Well, it has happened. Do I tell him?



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I have finally let myself get attached to a male friend, something I've fought for years. I don't know why I chose now to do it, except that this person is someone from my past, someone I've known and loved as a friend for many years. I was well into working my way out of my marriage and I guess I didn't see how much this would complicate things. I can't decide now if I tell my husband or not--I told him before this happened that I didn't want to work on things, but I would go through the motions. I told him I didn't think it would work, there wasn't any chance, etc. But that's what he wanted, anyway. So now the situation has changed. Do I tell my husband or not? What is the kinder thing to do, just focus on the breakdown from the past and the irreversible harm I felt had been done, or bring in this new element which will devastate him in a whole new way? 
What would you men want to know in this situation? I will be taking this up with my therapist but I want men's points of view, too. As I woman, I know I would not want to know.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

The kind and gentle thing to do would be to just go, divorce and be done with it and then persue your other interest.

There really is no need to break a broken man even more unless you're a vindicative person...no good will come from emasculating him further.

Be a bigger and better person, set yourselves free and then go to your new interest.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Thank you, jdpreacher. That's the way I feel, but I wonder if people think that is somehow "chickening out."


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

It's not being a chicken...the only thing people gain by outing an affair is to ease their own guilt and conscious...take away their burden by placing it on someone else...whether it's an EA or PA, it doesn't matter.

Leave...and leave your secrets just that.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

End it. And trust me, end it quickly. We contorted ourselves into trying to shoe-horn a resolution around our broken marriage. All it did was breed more hostility.

I will also caution you on your new relationship. Be aware of what it is. It's a band-aid, not a solution. I took similar steps. Kindling with an old friend a romantic relationship from what had been emotional support.
You simply cannot do your 'new' relationship any justice in establishing and growing a bond, while you are severing the bond of your existing relationship. Dissolving your marriage will carry loads of emotional baggage. Baggage that gets carried into your new relationship because you haven't actually taken the time to deal with it or address it - it just gets shoved to the side while you try to dodge the mess by basking in a new and exciting partner.

She and I maintain contact. But I broke it off after about 3 months. I would like to be 'mess free' before moving into another serious relationship.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

There is no need to tell him about your friend. That would be salt on the wound.

But you should end the marriage. Let both of you free to live your lives.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

One thing you have to consider though is if your husband will find out about your friend another way. 

Unless he is completely clueless (not likely), he will figure it out very quickly that your decision to end the marriage and your new friend in your life are linked. He will figure it out...through mutual friends, children (if you have any), he will see the two of you together, etc.

I don't think there is a way for your husband to not find out about your friend, so my vote is just to tell him, simply, directly, and without making a painful situation worse. 

Honesty is best here even though he will be very hurt-but he probably will be hurt anyway by your decision to divorce him.

At least this way he won't be harboring any hopes that your marriage can be saved.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You do know you copped out of your marriage and tried to write yourself a blank check with that lame "going through the motions statement to your husband.

Leave him. He deserves better than this. So do you as a matter of fact.

You are going to have a rude awakening after you are "available" to this person you are cheating with. He will run , run, run.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Leave him TONIGHT, or tell him TONIGHT. Pick one.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I have come to the point where I disagree with keeping an affair secret. The standard argument is that telling someone is more about assuaging one's own guilt, and therefore it is more noble to keep it to yourself -* if you intend to stop the affair right away*. But that's a cop out. The real reason to not tell the other is so that they don't throw you out of the house/end the relationship. 

Again, those who say it's permissible to keep it secret for the sake of the kids, miss a subtle point. The wronged partner may well want to forgive the affair for the sake of the kids having both parents under the same roof. So by not telling the other party, one acts as if he or she has no mind of his or her own.

However, it's their prerogative to stay or go. If you have to keep secrets from a spouse, it is a doomed marriage. For me it goes against the very meaning of marriage - one flesh - NO secrets.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> If you have to keep secrets from a spouse, it is a doomed marriage. For me it goes against the very meaning of marriage - one flesh - NO secrets.


:iagree: Well put.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

michzz said:


> You do know you copped out of your marriage and tried to write yourself a blank check with that lame "going through the motions statement to your husband.
> 
> Leave him. He deserves better than this. So do you as a matter of fact.
> 
> You are going to have a rude awakening after you are "available" to this person you are cheating with. He will run , run, run.


Actually, if people here hadn't recommended it, I would NOT have even tried to go through the motions. It doesn't seem right to me, in some ways. On the other hand, refusing to do what my spouse asked seemed wrong in this situation, too. 

For the record, my attachment is one-sided. My friend probably hasn't a clue that my feelings for him have changed. We live 1000 miles apart. There are no plans to change anything between us. I am deeply aware that this is playing with fire, however, and want to end the marriage now. I suspect I will, in the very near future.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Am I missing something? The marriage is over, but not 'finished' - meaning you are not yet divorced.

You have feelings for, but there has been no hanky-panky with the old flame?

I just don't see that there is an obligation to tell him - given that that your long distance friend may or may not become more, and functionally has very little to do with the dissolution of your marriage.

It becomes an 'affair' if you are on the one-hand trying to resolve things with your husband, while on the other building a bond with your male friend.

I knew full well that my wife was getting support from TOM - but as long as she was telling me that she still wanted to work things out, despite how grim they looked, I assumed she wasn't going to cross the line. She did cross the line, and lied to me about it . I don't think that is the case here.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

Sisters


Please don't take this the wrong way ....

Did you give him an honest chance while having feelings for someone else??

Having someone else in the picture to me would not be fair. It could cloud and mask feelings you might have for your Husband IMHO....

You went through the motions???Are you saying you took the feelings for the other person aside and looked at any you might have for your Husband??


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I haven't let my husband touch me in a couple of years, and I've never been satisfied with our sexual relationship. This was no secret to him, either. I was so worried I'd have an affair, but I worked to prevent that from happening. I guess the only thing I didn't do was let my husband know how bad it was, until it was too late. I didn't want to hurt him, and I thought I could keep going forever like I had been going. I was wrong about that, and I feel really guilty about it, although I'm quite sure nothing would change my feelings for my husband and staying in a loveless, sexless marriage would probably prove a disaster sooner or later. My feelings for my husband were long gone before and were never fully what they should have been. I was never passionately in love with him. I probably should not have married him, but I don't regret the life we did have or the children at all. It feels to me like all that is left is to let us both go. He deserves better, too.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

Sisters....

With what you just wrote, I would tell him. I can't say these would be a kind way, but an Honest way is always best.

He is going to hurt if he loves you no doubt... But saying what you just wrote might be the best way....

I wish you the best....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Roger136913 said:


> Sisters....
> 
> With what you just wrote, I would tell him. I can't say these would be a kind way, but an Honest way is always best.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I have basically told all of what I wrote just before your post. It only seemed right. I'm trying not to say things that might seem cruel, but want to be honest, too. It's hard. He is the father of my kids. That will never change.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

May I ask his response if it's ok to ask?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He is very upset that I'm "not giving him a chance" with joint counseling. Well, from my point of view, he had many, many chances. I didn't threaten to leave ever and "scare" him into attending to me. But I sure made my needs clear. And b/c of the way I have felt for so long, I'm not sure there ever WAS a chance--if the feeling was never there, what would we be trying to rebuild/recover? I guess I need to make that more clear to him. Seems unnecessarily cruel in a way, but perhaps necessary. 

He was also quite afraid that I hated him and would take the kids away. Such a thing NEVER crossed my mind, nor did I ever "hate" him.

Now, if he was afraid I hated him (and he's said such things over the past few years), why the heck is it such a shock that I was unhappy to this extent? Why didn't he take initiative if he was worried I hated him? Doesn't make much sense to me, except it is just like him to keep taking (i have always treated him very well, except for the sexual part of our relationship) and to follow the path of least resistance. 

I just cannot see staying married to someone I cannot imagine having sex with ever again, or ever loving again. It's pretty much that simple and that complicated.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

So leave...I don't understand the desire to continue to mentally torture yourself or your spouse...and that's all this seems to be doing.

It's easier to mend a broken heart when it's not being ripped apart day in a day out...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Thanks, JDP. That's what I think. He's the one having a hard time with it. I feel guilty, but I think that is normal, and I'm pretty sure I'll get over it.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

You put it so clearly in your post, and have thought about it. I have to applaud you for now making the move. There is so many that live in misery year after year.

I just cannot see staying married to someone I cannot imagine having sex with ever again, or ever loving again. It's pretty much that simple and that complicated.


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