# anybody get the i'm lost or lost myself thing



## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i was curious,

my wife and i are separating now, or at least ive filed...

but one of her big things (and i say hers, not mine because its all affair to me) is that she feels she needs to find herself. she went from moving from her parents to with me and never had her own thing...

so shes been daying how she needs to find herself and live on her own...her therapist even agrees . my wife is convinced thats her main motivation right now an dnot the affair for the things shes doing...even saying that even if the affair wasnt going on shes still be doing the same thing...


all i hear is fog talk, but

i was wondering if anybody else heared the same things from thier WW?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

That is indeed fog talk.

I didn't get the "I'm lost" speech, but I did get the "We need some space" speech. Later on it became "We grew apart". I didn't get the ILYBINILWY speech though.

After I had my ephiphany and manned up, I gave her the "If you want your OM, you can leave and don't let the door hit you in the @ss" speech. In your case, it IS because of her A, don't let anything she says fool you, because at this point, you can't believe a word of what she says. 

Do the 180 and detach from her, only communicate via email. Let her actually know what its like to live on her own. She will see the reality of what OM is really like. The thing is, if she comes back to you, it will only because you are her SECOND CHOICE.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

I did have the whole lost speech. "i"m lost indy, I don't know who I am anymore". Need time to sort myself out etc. 

It's all fog talk to buy time to keep you interested so she can continue to see OM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

cut her off financially. Reality is real romantic when someone else is paying the bill. It gets a little tedious when you have to put food in your stomach.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It goes on though.. Even after the kick out and absolute END.

Almost word for word. 

Need Space to work things out. 
I just need some time to be separate. 
I love you but not in that way.
I love you but not intimately.

"I left because of" really gets me since I kicked her out!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The fog speaks loudly and her councillor is enabling it, stop paying the councillor. When you separate your son stays with you, her time on her own is such that it is on your terms and she moves out alone, your son stays with you. Have you covered this in the separation you are filing. While she is in the house a hard 180, she pays her half of the bills and has a child schedule drawn up by you that prohibits contact with the OM. If she leaves she still pays her half of the bills and you go dark, any contact is via an intermediary. Let her step into her fantasy do not subsidise it or allow her to cake eat. 

Btw. if you happen to find her phone dump it , give a blank look if she asks, do not make the affair easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My best friend's divorce began this exact way Elph. His ex used to live in a rural area and together they lived in the suburbs of a big city. She claimed she needed to move back home, even though there were no jobs there for them. She was "lost". Eventually, the real reason came out, and she remarried just a few months after their divorce was finalized.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I think there's a little bit of mixing the two -- the A happens because she feels she's "lost herself", ie grew away from the marriage... and the counselor suggesting she live on her own is to control rushing away from the marriage and right over to the OM, without first "discovering herself more fully" (*cough,cough*)

Either way, she's leaving the marriage. It's all about where she ends up, and I agree I'd not be footing the bill for her to find out.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

What if they are seriously trying to work on themselves? It is possible, is it not? they may feel that they cannot be the best partner right now so living apart and needing space is more for your benefit than theirs, maybe.

I think my H is in a similar situation, he is apart, OW lives in another city so currently not with her (in person) but is slowly in his own way reaching out to me. I know he is troubled and that is why he turns to affairs and I do beleive he is trying to figure himself out. It will take forever but I must appauld the effort.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

They work together. She would live in the same city she works making going over to her place for luck would be easy. She's not searching for herself. She has no idea how good she has it. The little things I do. The nuances I know about her. I think it's all affair related. 

I'm 180 her and will minimize communication when she moves out. We don't have an intermediary because alot of ppl don't agree with her. And her family doesn't want anything to do with her while they're together. I'll also be introducing a morality clause when we get to mediation. 

She gave me the not in love speech. Still be best friends speech. All the usual fog talk. She maybe checked out to a degree but I can tell if the affair wasn't happening there would be no question. 
As well somebody mentioned the second choice thing. If we worked this out, the moment I felt like I was second choice is when I would end it. She would have to pursue. And be remorseful. Be cognizant of not only what she's done but why. There are plaeny of books tohelp her understand that work would have to be done. She's already tried to set up me sticking around when it doesn't work out. But I've told her I'm not helping her out when she moves out. 

Interesting side note. Fog talk for sure. She said if she had to do it over she wouldn't get married because ppl always said that marriage changes things. I told her marriage didnt change anything but when u have kids that changes things because priorities and time n effort, etc change. I know that's bs fog talk because she believed so much in marriage all those years. Marriage now is an inconvenience for her n her new man and the vows and promises she loved making are just words to use against her and make her feel guilty. 

So between that and lost myself. You could rewrite the text book on reactions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

I should clarify she said she wouldn't get married in general, not wouldn't get married to me. She's rewriting the relationship. Her feelings toward out R started in apr. 10 then the time of when she feels the way she does keeps changing. It's been a couple of years. Just since sept. A year and a half. When we bought house. Shortly after son was born. She can't keep it straight. But I'm going with her first answer because it makes the Mose sense and I started changing when we bought the house a year and a half ago. But until recently I know she's lived being married and to me especially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I gather that you have already figured out that _everyone_ that experiences a spouse heavily fogged gets that same speech or some version of the exact same reaction...

Very text book. You should take care to make sure your reactions to her and this situation are also very text book. Right on the recovery "script". 

Start with Ben Fraklin's quote: “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.”

You do have one advantage, the fact that she is obviously in "the fog" and she's essentially a dopamine junkie right now. So her behaviors will be predictable. For example, it will be very easy to tell when she is lying or manipulating you... When her mouth is moving.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

hahaahhaa good stuff pit.

curious is anybody knows of an actual layed out recovery script.


i know what i see in my minds eye. and it gets clouded by stuff they may do. im trying to get as logical as i can hoping just knowledge and common sense can over ride the emotions for now, so if we get to recovery i can deal with them then, process it and make it a bit easier because i see it all coming...

itll take a bit of the sting out...to say the least, 

i remain behind the fact that my wifes a good person making some really bad decisions right now, shes completely addicted to the affair high, and even after exposing, she doesnt care. i would assume hes feeding her some great lines. us against the world, we can handle anything, who cares what anybody thinks, were special..

all while she loses everything and anything thats meant something to her..

but that too seems to be part of the script...

just sad


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Elph, your W needs to end it NOW. My God, she's still talking to him?

Where's Jelly Beans? Jelly would say, "You either accept your marriage is open with your W talking to the OM, or you tell her it's over if she continues." or something like that.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

elph said:


> shes completely addicted to the affair high, and even after exposing, she doesnt care. i would assume hes feeding her some great lines. us against the world, we can handle anything, who cares what anybody thinks, were special..


Yup. They are on the same euphoric, dopamine induced "trip". 

There is nothing you can do, they can not and will not be reasoned with. Just like any drug, this state of mind has a shelf life. Right at DDay, you do everything you can to shake them out of it, with quick, extreme & unapologetic measures. Rush into the crackhouse and drag them out by the arm... But... If they jerk away from you, you have to let them go... She is a grown women, free to make her choices and when that choice has been made.. There really is no way around it, they have to CHOOSE to recover... the only chance you have of marital recovery is a spouse CHOSING by love and remorse to work with you to recover your marriage.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

shes not ending it, at this point shes chosen him over me..

most of the story is here..
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24004-after-d-day-stuff.html

ill update it in a min. but now ive filed for legal separation to get her out of the house at the soonest. im hoping real life smacks her in the face and she gets her stuff figured out.

ultimately at the same time ive been rebuilding...becoming the man i need to be for my son, and if one day we can come back together as man a and wife, as a whole family, then it would be a great day..


but dont think she wouldnt have to work at it...shes the one having the affair, shes " not in love with me" but eveything else with me is peachy keen? the woman i feel in love is in there somewhere, but everything else ive tried has failed, so here we go. i see glimpses, but the OM has his claws in her. shes starting to sound like him, hes ostrasizing her from her family. manipulating her.
and theres nothing i can do till the affair ends.

oddly enough im finding out what i though we were similar, we are actually quite different.

hes tall and bald. im short with an awesome set of hair.
all shes ever seen is the confidance, protectiveness, considerate person he is at work in a well controlled enviorment, because hes a supervisor, his ex is telling me out side of work hes more controlling and manipulative. he stresses alot, a hypochondriac of sorts. never been the romantic type, talks bigs, acts small. very insecure, low self esteem.

outside of this affair situation. im confident happy go lucky, roll with the punches, mostly organized personable and likeable. healthy, active, old school romantic type (before my son came along, parents we know how this goes). life is my enviorment, and im not afraid of much.
and now because of this, ive grown some more, become a real man. on top of my other good qualities...theres much more, 
but everything he is exsists at work.

shell find out the hard way, ill date supermodels (short ones albeit) and shell see what shes giving up...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Weasel words and bull****. All of it. "I don't know...I'm lost..."

Really? You seemed to have been able to navigate yourself to some other man's penis and you 'accidentally' what, fell on it?


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Weasel words and bull****. All of it. "I don't know...I'm lost..."
> 
> Really? You seemed to have able to navigate yourself to some other man's penis and you 'accidentally' what, fell on it?


im trying not to be mean or bitter about any of this, but that was funny!

yeah, this also makes me want to beat the living sh.t outta the dude even more...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Dry up her finances, get her out of the house. She is cake eating right now. Enjoying the security you provide while getting other needs met elsewhere. So end the security, and see how she likes it. I have no tolerance for people who want to hang on to the people they are cheating on for selfish reasons, while STILL cheating. The most selfish thing they can do. Give her a reality check. Pronto.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm sorry, I cant read all of your threads right now...

I got the gist, I didnt see what action you took towards exposure on his end. What have you done to rachet up the pressure or put a spot light on mr. wonderful and his affair with his married co-worker?


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I'm sorry, I cant read all of your threads right now...
> 
> I got the gist, I didnt see what action you took towards exposure on his end. What have you done to rachet up the pressure or put a spot light on mr. wonderful and his affair with his married co-worker?


exposure on his end was job, parents and soon to be ex. 

still waiting for end of HRs investigation.
ex has her own plans, but gonna use to get full custody, house back in her name, support.

parents were ****ing useless. i guess they dont mind raising a dishonorable fk. i want to send them a congrats card, for doing a great job at raising a son who has no problem going after another mans woman, destroying a family, and traumatizing a little boy who had nothing to do with this.


lets get real, i want to put him in a condition where theyll need dental records to identify him...and now hes starting to give my wife legal advice because she called me going on some tirade about fighting for our son and all this other stuff...

its really just sad.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Bet she finds herself in another guy's apartment and she already has the grid coordinates plugged in.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Before I found this website one year ago I thought "I love you but am not in love and I need some time away"..really meant that..then I read it means she has another, I thought no freaking way..found out EVERYTHING I read on here was true!!!!How could I be so blind not to see she had rented another house AND opened a new bank account before telling me?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

elph said:


> lets get real, i want to put him in a condition where theyll need dental records to identify him


I know you know this already, but I'll say it anyway. He ain't worth it. Believe me, I have fantasized about "taking care of" the OM in many different ways. I'm lucky that he is hundreds of miles away. I have a friend whose now ex-wife was having an affair. He told me he had driven to OM's house with a pistol and sat in the road outside his house. He thankfully came to the realization that the OM wasn't worth the trouble he would get into. 

As many have pointed out to me, the hatred, anger, and utter contempt for the OM should mostly be aimed at your wife. Of course, the OM is to blame as well, but your wife is the one who took vows with you.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

but how do i get angry at her with my son around? or when she doesnt want to hear what i have to say? or, more importantly when i want the marriage to work?


my thing is that i am hoping for the time for the anger to come out. in a controlled enviorment and situation...hopefully months down the line when were in marriage counseling.

its so much easier to be angry at the OM, esp. since hes been the pursuer. he should know better too since hes been to my house and he was married at the time when he started this...he gets a differnt kind of anger...believe me i want to call my wife every name in the book...but i dont think any of it would do any good till she at the stage when shes willing to accept whatshes done.

she saying now, she knows what she did was wrong. but the correct statement is she knows what shes DOING is wrong. she knows shes hurt people...but like on a nother thread, shes dealing with guilt, not remorse...and until i ever get remorse, anger at her is a waste of time...

anger at the OM would just make me feel better..

makes me wish i was rich, or "italian" (cue joe pesci)


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

elph said:


> makes me wish i was rich, or "italian" (cue joe pesci)


There's an idea. The TAM "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" club. Where does your wife's OM live? JUST KIDDING. I am not condoning violence against Other Men. They are already a lower life form and I don't support animal cruelty. lol


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> There's an idea. The TAM "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" club. Where does your wife's OM live? JUST KIDDING. I am not condoning violence against Other Men. They are already a lower life form and I don't support animal cruelty. lol


Unfortunately, the only thing that gets you is court time for assault. There ought to be a statue like France has where the BS can get away with beating down the OM/OW due to it being a crime of passion.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

Funny u mention crime of passion. 

My wife keeps saying that she's being punished by me n her family. She tries to act like a victim. 

I always respond, because u committed a crime of the heart. 
The only victims are my son and my self

When she says that crap it reminds me how selfish she is right now. How utterly fogged up. 
And then it makes me want to say fk it. But then i look at my son. And that reminds me that it isn't just about me. It's about u's and our family. That at some point I would want to work it out. For our family. To make that whole would give me the patience needed so long as the requirements are met
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

elph said:


> But then i look at my son. And that reminds me that it isn't just about me. It's about u's and our family. That at some point I would want to work it out. For our family. To make that whole would give me the patience needed so long as the requirements are met
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what if she comes home crying her eyes out and begging forgiveness? Are you going to jump straight away into R?


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> So what if she comes home crying her eyes out and begging forgiveness? Are you going to jump straight away into R?



no.

as we know there are things that has to be done.
the obvious is no contact. i dont care how it happens. it just has to happen.
followed of course with transpernacy, openess, honesty. and then the question and answer portion of the pagent...then theres the swimsuit compet...

wait, i was getting off track.

after that is established for a bit, then we work on what went wrong in our marriage and fix it.
but i have 2 requirments as well.
1. she pursue me. i know how much effort and energy she put into the affair. i want that in kind. i want to know that im wanted. desired even. there are certain rules that even go with that, but its mostly anti-trigger stuff. i know i cant replicate that infatuation feeling she had or that he gave her, but i can show that im better on every level.
2. if i feel for one second that im second place or second choice. im done. there are a variety of ways she'll be able to prove it, but she has to put in the work. she has to make me feel special to her again. superior. why not get an ego boost after having it competely destroyed.


those things happen, i think well be able to get through it alot easier. esp if she owns up and doesnt fight it...then i know shell be in remorse, not just guilt.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

elph said:


> no.
> 
> as we know there are things that has to be done.
> the obvious is no contact. i dont care how it happens. it just has to happen.
> ...


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