# Strange response from Wife on Oral Sex



## Daany (Oct 24, 2019)

Hello Everyone,

We are married for 19 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She is in early 40s and I am in mid 40s. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
Does this mean she likes giving oral or i am reading too much?

Dan


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Why not ask your wife? Maybe she feels embarrassed and wants to act like she doesn't like it? She sounds sexually shy. 

I get super turned on from oral and know plenty of women who say the same. Ask her what would make her feel less grossed out? I have a joke with my husband about grooming, so if he wants downstairs play then he better be prepared. Showered and trimmed is a rule...I am not about to fish a pube out of my mouth in the middle of sex.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Daany said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> We are married for 45 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
> She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
> ...


It may turn her on, but disgust her - and she may be disgusted with herself for getting turned on by it. 

I wouldn’t push it. If she doesn’t like doing it, just accept that and move on.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Daany said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> We are married for 45 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
> She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
> ...


You stated in your intro post that you and your wife are in your 40s but here you stated that you've been married for 45 years. 

How old are you and your wife? 

How long have you been married?


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## Daany (Oct 24, 2019)

Lila, yes, that was a typo. let me fix that. to answer your question, we have been married 19 years and both are in early/mid 40s.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

No, she's not just sexually shy or embarrassed to admit it. If she says that she doesn't like it or want it, she doesn't like it or want it.

It doesn't matter that it makes her wet - it doesn't mean it's wanted or liked. Her genitals don't say what she likes or wants, she does. Getting wet or having an orgasm when you don't like or want something is called arousal non-concordance. I found this Ted talk a while ago and it REALLY helped me to understand something i needed to understand and make sense of.

Please watch this and you'll understand all about it. It's wonderfully explained here. And please, don't anyone try to explain that she really does want it because she's wet. That thinking has a lot of very very bad implications as you'll understand better from this video.

https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_the_truth_about_unwanted_arousal


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Not strictly relevant here but I recall reading of a study which concluded that there is a natural response to threatened rape which causes many women to lubricate. 

It does NOT mean that they want to be raped, nor that they enjoyed being raped - it is an evolved protective reaction which minimises the likelihood of extreme, and therefore future reproduction threatening, damage.

Unfortunately many women who are the victims of rape and display the natural protective response are unaware of its cause and can carry undeserved guilt/shame throughout their lives.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Something could have possibly happened to her at a young age also or in her young life...

I don't have a problem with oral but... when my husband spoons me and lays his region against my bum and is excited I get really emotional. It triggers memories for me and I get really uncomfortable with him.

It is not that she does not love or care for you... she just doesn't like it that much
you just got to love her through that and realize that when it comes down do it be thankful you still get her every way else. 

Us women are some complex creatures.. most of us anyways full of emotions try talking to her if you haven't already.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

cp3o said:


> Not strictly relevant here but I recall reading of a study which concluded that there is a natural response to threatened rape which causes many women to lubricate.
> 
> It does NOT mean that they want to be raped, nor that they enjoyed being raped - it is an evolved protective reaction which minimises the likelihood of extreme, and therefore future reproduction threatening, damage.
> 
> Unfortunately many women who are the victims of rape and display the natural protective response are unaware of its cause and can carry undeserved guilt/shame throughout their lives.


I think it is relevant to this. I'm no expert on psychology or biology/physiology but the video i linked to explained it, not as a protective mechanism but as your body's automatic response to sexual stimuli, wanted or unwanted. It's also not uncommon to orgasm during rape, leaving the same shame and confusion for the victim (as i well know and why i tried to learn about this). Certain aspects of the act, even unwanted, trigger a response in your body. It doesn't mean you want the act. In the video they equated it to putting an apple with a worm in it up to your lips/tongue and your mouth waters. Doesn't mean you want to eat the apple!

Now that people can understand this hopefully we don't see a bunch of people assuming that she "really wants it" and giving tips on how to get past her "sexual shyness" and admit that she really wants it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

JustTheWife said:


> I think it is relevant to this. I'm no expert on psychology or biology/physiology but the video i linked to explained it, not as a protective mechanism but as your body's automatic response to sexual stimuli, wanted or unwanted. It's also not uncommon to orgasm during rape, leaving the same shame and confusion for the victim (as i well know and why i tried to learn about this). Certain aspects of the act, even unwanted, trigger a response in your body. It doesn't mean you want the act. *In the video they equated it to putting an apple with a worm in it up to your lips/tongue and your mouth waters. Doesn't mean you want to eat the apple!*
> 
> Now that people can understand this hopefully we don't see a bunch of people assuming that she "really wants it" and giving tips on how to get past her "sexual shyness" and admit that she really wants it.


You don't want to eat the worm!

But you still want to eat the apple 😎.

I'm not saying "she really does want to do oral despite what she says" only she knows that and it's best to take her at her word.

The good news is if you're having frequent, sex in demand by either of you, then there's hope things may get better in this respect. 

Her getting wet may, I say may, at least show she doesn't have the added problem of being so, so "repulsed" she goes bone dry and freezes up physically and emotionally.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You don't want to eat the worm!
> 
> But you still want to eat the apple 😎.
> 
> ...


I think the point is that her getting wet is totally irrelevant to her feelings on whether she wants it or not or likes it or not or is repulsed by it or not. She may be completely repulsed by it, wet or dry. She may love it, wet or dry.

If someone gets wet or has an orgasm while getting raped (to use an extreme example) there is no "at least..." related to that. None whatsoever. I know that this is not talking about rape but it's the same concept with this. If she says she doesn't want to suck and hates it, there is no "but she's wet..." and certainly not that she can't be repulsed because she didn't "go bone dry". Couldn't have been that bad for her because she "didn't go bone dry". Wow, just wow.

I have to take issue with a view that getting "so repulsed" means you go bone dry. So conversely if you don't "go bone dry" it means at least you can't be completely repulsed. Or that your level of being repulsed or not can be measured or in any way indicated by the moisture level of your vagina. This is very dangerous thinking because it can lead people to believe things like "well she said she didn't want it but she was wet so______" Fill in the blank with what? She really wants it? At least she's can't be completely repulsed? She just can't admit she wants it? She's just playing hard to get? She's just "sexually shy"?

i'm not trying to be argumentative but i feel strongly about this and some of these attitudes really are scary.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

JustTheWife said:


> No, she's not just sexually shy or embarrassed to admit it. If she says that she doesn't like it or want it, she doesn't like it or want it.


Not necessarily true. There are people who have been taught that certain sex acts are wrong and thus they do run into the conflict of enjoying something and being embarrassed/disgusted that they do. This is not dismissing your point on the arousal without desire thing. It is a very real thing. But your point is no more absolute that the other. The OP needs to be able to determine, and make sure she is being open and honest with herself as well, which way it is. And then move on accordingly.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

JustTheWife said:


> Originally Posted by Ragnar Ragnasson:
> 
> "You don't want to eat the worm!
> 
> ...


Peace; pls see the bolded.

Of course no one is saying "she really wants it despite what she's saying".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How often do you give her oral? Are you asking for stand alone oral?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Daany said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> We are married for 19 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She is in early 40s and I am in mid 40s. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
> She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
> ...


Taken from a article-

Conversely, if you feel reluctant or turned off but are wet or hard, also trust your feeling to say no. Lube is not a substitute for mental arousal, but rather a tool for helping your body catch up to your mind. Think of tickling as an analogy: it can be pleasurable, but when done against someone’s wishes, it can be very unpleasant. And even when the person being tickled is uncomfortable and asks you to stop, they will still laugh, because that is the body’s automatic reaction to tickling. Just because they laugh does not necessarily mean they want to be tickled. Just because your genitals respond to sexual stimuli does not necessarily mean that you want to have sex.
End article.

I guess then when, a man has a erection or when the partner touches it and it becomes. The partner, assumes he must want it. Mentality is probably her first thought. So this is a thread alot can learn from. I did.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Crass, I know, but if DW is touching it I want it.

Oh well, I can live with that.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Crass, I know, but if DW is touching it I want it.
> 
> Oh well, I can live with that.


Exactly, but this is sometimes the double standard so many accept. Just saying....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As others have said, physical arousal does not equal enjoyment - for men or women. 

OP - do you do everything she wants in bed?

Sometimes its difficult to distinguish a selfish lover who just wants things that they they actively enjoy from someone who finds a particular sex act extremely unpleasant.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Peace; pls see the bolded.
> 
> Of course no one is saying "she really wants it despite what she's saying".


Peace. Of course. Always.

My issue is that you think that being wet may show that she not so repulsed....

Being wet shows NOTHING about what she wants, what she likes, or what she's giving consent to. Nothing. Period.

As soon as you start to say that being wet MAY mean something about what she wants or what she feels, you have a problem. "MAY" does not change the point. 

Being wet does not mean that she MAY want it. Sure, she may want it but being wet is no indicator of whether she MAY want it or not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Not necessarily true. There are people who have been taught that certain sex acts are wrong and thus they do run into the conflict of enjoying something and being embarrassed/disgusted that they do. This is not dismissing your point on the arousal without desire thing. It is a very real thing. But your point is no more absolute that the other. The OP needs to be able to determine, and make sure she is being open and honest with herself as well, which way it is. And then move on accordingly.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


if she says she doesn't like it then he should respect that and believe her.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> if she says she doesn't like it then he should respect that and believe her.


That depends also. I have a wife that was previously married to an abusive husband. She will quickly say things are fine when they are not, because she think someone is upset and she is trying not to cause waves. I have had to learn when she really means things are fine, and when she is only saying that out of the fear she still feels. Thankfully she is getting better, and I can trust more often that she means it when saying things are fine. But trauma has a way of making us say or do the opposite of what is true. I'm not saying his wife does have a trauma making her claim she doesn't like it. That is simply a possibility that needs to be eliminate, or corrected if discovered.


Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ahhh, the complexities at times of a good sex life.

There are many challenges and rewards, pitfalls and peaks, waxing and waning.

I'm thankful mine keeps towards the simple mostly. Of course we've had many years to work it out to get to where we're at now.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its complicated.

"doesn't want" covers so much ground. (from uninterested to deep revulsion).

Some lazy lovers claim that they "don't want" a huge range of things, and end up controlling a couple's sex life. Sometimes that is a reason to end a relationship.


Sometimes "don't want" changes. My wife used to think performing oral was degrading to women. (but strangely no to me performing oral). At some point she suddenly changed her mind, and it became something she was happy to do. (on the rare occasions she wants to do anything) 



Diana7 said:


> if she says she doesn't like it then he should respect that and believe her.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Daany said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> We are married for 19 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She is in early 40s and I am in mid 40s. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
> She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
> ...


I just finished this.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B...=as2&tag=atholkcom-20&linkId=XBFXZ3PPTBG7ECUT

I recommend it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

maquiscat said:


> That depends also. I have a wife that was previously married to an abusive husband. She will quickly say things are fine when they are not, because she think someone is upset and she is trying not to cause waves. I have had to learn when she really means things are fine, and when she is only saying that out of the fear she still feels. Thankfully she is getting better, and I can trust more often that she means it when saying things are fine. But trauma has a way of making us say or do the opposite of what is true. I'm not saying his wife does have a trauma making her claim she doesn't like it. That is simply a possibility that needs to be eliminate, or corrected if discovered.
> 
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


You are exceedingly wise.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

StillSearching said:


> I just finished this.
> https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B...=as2&tag=atholkcom-20&linkId=XBFXZ3PPTBG7ECUT
> 
> I recommend it.


Read it, heavily do not recommend it. 

I’ve spent more than a little time dealing with this guy and the red pill in general. While I do believe he means well, he is massively off base in dangerous ways, and is more than a little misogynistic.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Marduk said:


> You are exceedingly wise.


Not wise enough to be sure this isn't sarcasm. But if meant, thank you. Spending 10 years in the Navy and another 15 or so doing conventions regularly, exposes one to a wide variety of situations and possibilities. Throw in being part of, or having friends in, various alternative lifestyles and you get even more exposure.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

maquiscat said:


> Not wise enough to be sure this isn't sarcasm. But if meant, thank you. Spending 10 years in the Navy and another 15 or so doing conventions regularly, exposes one to a wide variety of situations and possibilities. Throw in being part of, or having friends in, various alternative lifestyles and you get even more exposure.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


No, it was heartfelt. My wife also has sexual trauma. Most people don’t understand what it does to a person, I think. 

But I love the way you’ve put this.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Marduk said:


> Read it, heavily do not recommend it.
> 
> I’ve spent more than a little time dealing with this guy and the red pill in general. While I do believe he means well, he is massively off base in dangerous ways, and is more than a little misogynistic.


I highly doubt you read it. 
Or anything that's not gynocentric.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

StillSearching said:


> I highly doubt you read it.
> Or anything that's not gynocentric.


Lol. 

I’ve actually spoken with Athol Kay. At length. 

I was quite the red pill guy. And then I saw it for what it was.


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## Daany (Oct 24, 2019)

she doesn't want me to give oral. i have given 2-3 times, in 10 years.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I would feel that a normal desirous woman, merely by just having someone make a welcomed sexual pass at her, would only naturally tend to lubricate. 

And still be reticent to the performance of oral sex on a partner, for whatever reason. 

If she has been a willing participant to the practice in the past, then it may well take a long discussion with her to help allay those fears, or perhaps even a series of sexual counseling sessions!

Until such time, respect her wishes!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Daany said:


> she doesn't want me to give oral. *i have given 2-3 times, in 10 years.*


*
*

Why so few times?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Not paying attention to her when giving oral while attempting to reach some personal goal of getting her off will cause issues. 

Something isn't right here. I'm getting a bad vibe. It could easily be just me. Just wanted to express that. 

You have to be able to talk at least a little. She may even feel ashamed because she feels as if she must do it and that gets her wet. She may feel disgust for her natural reactions to thoughts of domination. It is a pretty submissive thing to do. 

Does she feel safe with you? I don't need an answer. I don't want to get that involved. You can answer for others here. Lots of good folks who know there **** will help you.


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## Daany (Oct 24, 2019)

removed


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## Daany (Oct 24, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> [/B]
> 
> Why so few times?


she just prefers missionary!


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## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Daany, back to your original question- From my experience I would speculate it is most likely one of 2 things going on here.
1) Yes it turns her on ( natural response) BUT she is embarrassed 
Or 2) yes it turns her on BUT she doesn’t want to let you know because she wants to have control of the sexual part of your relationship. 
It could also be both of these at the same time. 
I dealt with this with my x wife. 
( she had been sexually abused as a child ) 
My advice is tread lightly with this information and don’t put pressure on her. Just be positive and tell her how amazing she is when things go good


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## Daany (Oct 24, 2019)

Lake life said:


> Daany, back to your original question- From my experience I would speculate it is most likely one of 2 things going on here.
> 1) Yes it turns her on ( natural response) BUT she is embarrassed
> Or 2) yes it turns her on BUT she doesn’t want to let you know because she wants to have control of the sexual part of your relationship.
> It could also be both of these at the same time.
> ...


Thanks for the response!


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## Dave25 (May 24, 2019)

Daany said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> We are married for 19 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She is in early 40s and I am in mid 40s. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
> She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
> ...


A lot of women are turned on giving oral. Don't be afraid to encourage her to give oral, and turn her on why she's doing it. Touch her while she's going down on you, and tell her what you want her to do. Many women love that.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Daany said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> We are married for 19 years and have had oral off and on, but not frequently. She is in early 40s and I am in mid 40s. She had medical issues and then kids etc. long story short, I am having high sex drive and would like more of her giving me oral.
> She always had been reluctant and in her mind, finds it disgusting. She sometimes gives me, maybe once in couple of months, but I have noticed, the she becomes soaking wet down under and have noticed during aftersex intercourse.
> ...


I once watched a documentary which showed that
1 A lot of people watching a rape scene on video got erect/wet and 
2 A lot of straight men watching a gay scene got erect. 
3 Women being raped may get wet during the rape, 
4 A lot of straight men being caressed by another man got erect. 

These are contradictions and are difficult to conclude anything from. How would you conclude on each of these? 

Without talking sincerely to your wife, it may not easy to conclude from the data you have what her response is from and how it seems to contradict her attitude to the said act. Humans are complex machines and each one works differently even though we may have a large number of common factors


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> Daany said:
> 
> 
> > Hello Everyone,
> ...


Men raped by another man also sometimes ejaculate or get erect.


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