# No More Misses Nice Gal?



## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

I know the book is all about men, but I re-reading it (2nd time in two weeks) I see many similarities in what are the root causes of the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome in my wife. Father was distant and belittling. Mother was unemotional and her parents marriage is a sham at best. My wife has huge problems around toxic shame and abandonment. I have my own issues with my mother and book has brought a lot to light, but I see a mirror of my problems in my wife's upbringing and some of her coping mechanisms are very similar to what a Mr. Nice Guy would do. Although, I was the one following my wife around and pandering to her every whim the second she screamed about something she didn't like and she has been the Alpha in the relationship since almost day one. (I'm quickly working to turn that around!)

I'm wondering if I should give the book to my wife at some point and say I see a lot in her that might apply to her, or just keep it for myself? Are there books for women that talk about similar issues, especially about childhood development?

BTW, the great thaw continues in our R. She is opening up to me more and more, but it's a long process that will take many months... I'm actually more hopeful than I have been in weeks.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

As a general rule, I think it's a bad idea to share this stuff with your spouse. Unless you have really open communication (which you likely don't - as you are in this forum) the level of distrust is pretty high at the moment. She may see this as "not the real you" and that she is "being played".

On the other hand....

My wife and I have been discussing this stuff non-stop. 

It's made us closer.

But - keep in mind - we have always highly valued each other's intelligence and insight.

We have not always valued the way we've treated one another.

This stuff makes for some fascinating conversations.

So, perhaps the best answer is... "not right away".


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Keep in mind ... 'fixing' is a nice guy trait.

Isn't your job to 'fix' your wife. Took me nearly a decade to come to that realization. More than likely, she will resent you for it, and fight you on it.

Get where you need to go first. Once you are settled, you will be far better equipped to provide support for your wife - should she need or ask for it.

Giving her "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is not a good idea right now, as Conrad suggested.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TOTALLY AGREE with Deejo. 

I absolutely refuse to get into "why". Unacceptable behavior is just that. And I respond to it accordingly. As SOON as you start down the path of WHY, you open the door to her saying "well you know why I am like this, why can't you just accept it"? 

There is no "why". There is only "do" or "not do". 

P.S. - I have dual citizenship. Born on Mars but I also have a passport to Venus. My W can talk about how she FEELS as much and as long as she likes. Childhood events - bring em on. And on Venus I go into "Dr. Phil emulation mode". But that stuff while interesting NEVER excuses bad behavior. 





Deejo said:


> Keep in mind ... 'fixing' is a nice guy trait.
> 
> Isn't your job to 'fix' your wife. Took me nearly a decade to come to that realization. More than likely, she will resent you for it, and fight you on it.
> 
> ...


----------



## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

Of course you guys are right! Fix my problems first... listen to her problems, but no fixing! It's so ingrained in me it's going to take a long time to recover.


----------

