# No sexual chemistry our whole marriage 14 years



## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

We have been married for almost 15 years and I love her. We have four great kids together but have never had any sexual chemistry. She is grossed out by kissing, sweat, and just about everything else having to do with sex. She offers it regularly enough because she know I have a need but the sex is terrible, its the same every time and she just lays there. I have read so many books and asked her so many questions trying to fix this. She has no sexual fantasies, is not sexually attracted to me or anyone else(we both think she may be asexual). She is very pretty but I find I am no longer sexually attracted to her because I realize there is absolutely nothing sexual about her. We are good friends and partners but this is a really big need in my life and I don't know if there is anything I can do to make this any better. I love her and my kids to much to ever leave over this. HELP!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Professionally counseling for her individually and for both of you? Have you ever thought about it or have ever done counseling of any type?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Also, you may want to keep this thread in only one subforum. Same thread in two forums is frowned upon.


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

She is in therapy right now just working through some of her stuff. We have talked about going to counseling but she is to the point now when I bring it up she feels like I am just being critical of her and she says "you don't need to always make me feel like a terrible wife"


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

My bad. I am new and didnt see this subforum until afetr I posted in the general one.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Isthisall said:


> She is in therapy right now just working through some of her stuff. We have talked about going to counseling but she is to the point now when I bring it up she feels like I am just being critical of her and she says "you don't need to always make me feel like a terrible wife"



Well her being in therapy is a great step. I would not try to pressure her too much right away as she has taken on this new adventure in therapy. At some point though, marriage counseling may have to be part of the equation, for both of you. 

How long has she been in therapy?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Isthisall said:


> My bad. I am new and didnt see this subforum until afetr I posted in the general one.



No problem, ask a mod to merge them if possible.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

I would wonder if she was molested as a child.


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

She has been in therapy about 4 months.
She says there has never been sexually abused. I have asked her that several times.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Isthisall said:


> She has been in therapy about 4 months.
> She says there has never been sexually abused. I have asked her that several times.



Four months, her journey has just started. I would give a bit more time, but at some point, marriage counseling may have to be woven into the picture. Also, in this amount of time don't expect miracles yet.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Why did you marry her?

Why did you stay with her?

Was sex ever good? If so, when did it change?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

sixbravebulls said:


> I would wonder if she was molested as a child.


First thing I thought of, too. Because I was. I'm not grossed out by kissing (because I wasn't kissed as part of it) or intercourse (because I wasn't raped), but it will definitely mess up your idea of what intimacy and trust of someone who is supposed to be a kind of protector of you is about.

I find that the women I know who'll admit to this happening to them (and it's most often an older brother or other family member who victimizes us) go one of a few ways. They're either ambivalent at best about sex and intimacy like I am, averse to it altogether like your wife, or are sexually insatiable, because sexual attention makes them feel protected in a way.

Definitely it's a very good thing that she's in therapy - whether this is the case for her or not. I wish I'd started some for myself years ago.

ETA: I never used to believe in repressed memory syndrome, until I experienced it myself. It's real. That said, this may not be the case for her. But I think it's more likely the case than not.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I, too, am curious as to whether or not the relationship was ever satisfying, sexually speaking. If so, when/why did it change? If not, why did you marry someone you knew was grossed out by the thought of kissing you?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Isthisall said:


> She has been in therapy about 4 months.
> She says there has never been sexually abused. I have asked her that several times.


My first thought, too, is she was sexually abused as a child.

I asked my wife 3 times, and she denied it. But then many years later when I sat her down with a really serious discussion about things have to change she suddenly broke down in tears and told me she had been molested when young.

So don't believe denials.

The pattern you described fits child sex abuse. But it could also fit other things. Therapy is the right place for her to be. You cannot be a therapist to her in this situation no matter what the underlying cause is.

Your focus should be on you. What are you needs and desires? What are your deal breakers? You can set expectations, limits, and lines in the sand with her. You can and should be supportive of her therapy, but not pry into the therapy details.

I would advise being patient but firm. Have some line in the sand you keep private. Maybe 6 months or a year (but no more) to see some real improvements or you leave the marriage. Some shorter term goals are good too.

I think it may be helpful for you to go to her therapist in a joint session once in a while. This would be for the therapist to offer you some ideas and tools to help your wife. This isn't MC, but if it helps your wife heal then it helps the marriage too.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Isthisall said:


> She is in therapy right now just working through some of her stuff. We have talked about going to counseling but she is to the point now when I bring it up she feels like I am just being critical of her and she says "*you don't need to always make me feel like a terrible wife*"


Could be that her orientation is not exactly heterosexual, but her religious and family beliefs lead her to have a traditional relationship. 

For example: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

whether it is CSA or not, she has to WANT to be more sexual in order to become more sexual. You cannot make her want it. You can encourage it though. 

How is your wife mostly motivated? Is she best motivated by avoiding a negative, reaching for a positive, or a combination of both?

What are the positives, for her, of her becoming a more sexual person?
What are the negatives, for her is she does not become a more sexual person?
How can you best support and encourage her efforts and not discourage them?

I can tell you this, making her feel like a defective woman isn't helping. She needs a lot of inner strength to tackle this. It's a long road, if it is CSA. But it can be done.


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

To Rowan:

This is going to sound very strange to most people but we never kissed before marriage. Again both of us grew up in very strict cultish type homes. No the sex has never been good. We are still together because we have a very good friendship. We are the only sexual partners that we have had. Neither of us have been with anyone else. I know it sounds crazy


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## Isthisall (Aug 18, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> whether it is CSA or not, she has to WANT to be more sexual in order to become more sexual. You cannot make her want it. You can encourage it though.
> 
> How is your wife mostly motivated? Is she best motivated by avoiding a negative, reaching for a positive, or a combination of both?
> 
> ...


Anon:
The only thing that ever seems to motivate her is fixing people. There was a time when I was struggle with some physical abuse I experienced as a child that we had more passion. She was more passionate, physical, and would do almost anything to try to heal my pain but once I went through counseling and was "better" that passion ceased. So it wasn't like that was coming from her sexuality, she was using it as a tool to fix me and now has continued in that cycle of finding broken people and fixating on them(not sexually) but emotionally and mentally trying to fix them. I believe this stems from a very very messed up dad that she wished she could please but never could.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Isthisall said:


> Anon:
> The only thing that ever seems to motivate her is fixing people. There was a time when I was struggle with some physical abuse I experienced as a child that we had more passion. She was more passionate, physical, and would do almost anything to try to heal my pain but once I went through counseling and was "better" that passion ceased. So it wasn't like that was coming from her sexuality, she was using it as a tool to fix me and now has continued in that cycle of finding broken people and fixating on them(not sexually) but emotionally and mentally trying to fix them. I believe this stems from a very very messed up dad that she wished she could please but never could.


And she is in therapy right? How old is she?

I copied this from your other thread.. My questions your answers..



> safe to assume that you are giving your wife all that she needs in order to respond sexually?
> Do you flirt with her? yes
> Show nonsexual affection regularly and not just when you want to have sex? yes
> Do you spend alone time with her regularly? yes
> ...


I'm thinking her need to rescue other people is a way to rescue herself. As she gains confidence and experience she will have more strength to examine her own life and be more able to address that which isn't working for her. But she'll work this out in therapy.

Someone suggested you attend some of her therapy sessions and that might be a good way for the therapist to get an idea of how she interacts with you. But it will be her therapy session and the therapist will only address that stuff that she seems ready to address.

Like I said, it's a long road to recovery. She first has to feel safe. Then she has to feel confident enough to take a look back. And this happens in a spiraling pattern. She feels safe, so she looks, processes, learns and moves on. But it's not solved yet. She has to do this many times before she is fully ready to step into the light, accept herself and how her past shaped her, decide what she wants to keep and what she wants to throw out, then education to fill in the gaps.

I think your wife shows some signs that she was sexually a used, but I don't think you should ever ask her. She'll just lie. I lied. I lied to three different therapists until I was finally ready to come out with it.

So where does this leave you?

Be honest with her. Show your hurt when she rejects you. Tell her what you want, what you think is a great marriage. Tell her your idea of what a great sex life is like. Pain a picture for her. This can serve as her goal. This picture you paint, your idea of what a great sex life looks like, will be her guide. When she's trying to figure out who she is, where she is, she knows that you have the goal in mind. Can she rely on you to help her get there?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Anon, I admire your strength.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Isthisall said:


> To Rowan:
> 
> This is going to sound very strange to most people but we never kissed before marriage. *Again both of us grew up in very strict cultish type homes.* No the sex has never been good. We are still together because we have a very good friendship. We are the only sexual partners that we have had. Neither of us have been with anyone else. I know it sounds crazy


Please confirm that neither of you continue to be a part of this type of rigid controlling atmosphere? You both have broken away from this cult? 

And in this very strange cultish type home life you had been physically abused?

And your wife grew up in this same environment? An environment so rigid and overbearing that neither of you had even kissed prior to your wedding?

The chances of your wife having escaped this environment with ANY sense of personal safety or self confidence are slim to none.

You both need serious psychological intervention as well as mentoring/education on what "normal" looks like to those not raised as you two were.

She may not have been sexually abused in the classic sense of a perpetrator using her presence to experience their own sexual thrill. But she may have been abused regarding sexuality by using extreme forms of behavior control to keep her pure and innocent. IOW, mountains and mountains of shame and disgust thrown her way about something as natural and normal as sex and desire.

Because, once again, those well meaning adults who shame their children and prohibit them from learning, from touching themselves, make them feel disgust about their own bodies and shame about sex, fail to realize that abusive approach to keeping their child pure and innocent does not just go away once the bows have been said.


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