# Great article: The TRUE reason people stray



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

"Listen, no-one's denying the fierce, heart-palpitating, loin-burning feeling you get when you first meet and sleep with someone isn't achingly delicious.

But so is being in love and happy with someone you have history with, someone who knows you and cares for you and is going to be there for you no matter what.

No-one's denying there's a trade off. If you want monogamy, you both make a deal: 'In order to have this deep bond with you, I'm prepared to do without that thrill of the chase'."



Read more: Tracey Cox: The TRUE reason people stray and why you need to get real to save your relationship | Mail Online


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

OK, I will say this article is BS (Bull Sh--). Perhaps the author has a bad sex life? Her statement:

*I don't know any couple who are ripping the clothes off each other's bodies ten years in (and don't bother writing to tell me you're the exception because I simply won't believe you!)*

I can tell you that 10 years in we were still ripping each others clothes off, same at 20, 30 and 40 years in!

I think except for ONS, sex is not the primary driver for most affairs.

A two thumbs down on this article.


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## RNS (Apr 6, 2013)

As I never have had a health relationship...is that low of a frequency really a good enough type of thing? 

Also brings up a question that is the primary premises of this article. Why do some of us never even have a inclining of desire to cheat. I was married at age 19, only been with one women...still have not found a replacement. If we all have this tagging temptation, why did I feel no pull? Am I wired wrong or what?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Tracey Cox is a sex therapist, not an infidelity expert.

So, her opinion does not have a lot of research behind it like Shirley Glass or W Harley.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, I do think she has something of a point. If you go into marriage expecting swing from the chandelier hot monkey sex every single day for the rest of your life, you're bound to be disappointed. That is not to say, however, that you'll never have that again. It's just that if you demand hot voracious sex every single time for the next 40 years, you're unlikely to find your married sex life fulfilling. Because sometimes it's just not like that. It can be good, even great, sometimes really spectacular. But it won't be really spectacular every single time. 

And, frankly, I think there are really a lot of people in the world with very short attention spans. People with a strong need for ever-increasing levels of kink, adventure, fun, whatever. They lack the emotional wherewithal to be content. With sex, and with many other aspects of normal adult life. 

However, people cheat because they want to and they can. Cheating is always a choice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Well, I do think she has something of a point. If you go into marriage expecting swing from the chandelier hot monkey sex every single day for the rest of your life, you're bound to be disappointed. That is not to say, however, that you'll never have that again. It's just that if you demand hot voracious sex every single time for the next 40 years, you're unlikely to find your married sex life fulfilling. Because sometimes it's just not like that. It can be good, even great, sometimes really spectacular. But it won't be really spectacular every single time.
> 
> And, frankly, I think there are really a lot of people in the world with very short attention spans. People with a strong need for ever-increasing levels of kink, adventure, fun, whatever. They lack the emotional wherewithal to be content. With sex, and with many other aspects of normal adult life.
> 
> However, people cheat because they want to and they can. Cheating is always a choice.


:iagree: :iagree:


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

bullsh*t.


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## inman (Apr 17, 2014)

I've never been in a relationship long enough to know if this is true or not. But it appears to me that this article is a concession to some unnecessary surrending of joy. 

I know some people who at the very least seem like they are still enthralled with each other. People who have been together for a very long time.


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

So much right with this article, and yet they HAD to throw in some inane, decisively controversial statement like "I don't know any couple who are ripping the clothes off each other's bodies ten years in (and don't bother writing to tell me you're the exception because I simply won't believe you!)".

The Daily Mail strikes again!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Well, I do think she has something of a point. If you go into marriage expecting swing from the chandelier hot monkey sex every single day for the rest of your life, you're bound to be disappointed. That is not to say, however, that you'll never have that again. It's just that if you demand hot voracious sex every single time for the next 40 years, you're unlikely to find your married sex life fulfilling. Because sometimes it's just not like that. It can be good, even great, sometimes really spectacular. But it won't be really spectacular every single time.
> 
> And, frankly, I think there are really a lot of people in the world with very short attention spans. People with a strong need for ever-increasing levels of kink, adventure, fun, whatever. They lack the emotional wherewithal to be content. With sex, and with many other aspects of normal adult life.
> *
> However, people cheat because they want to and they can. Cheating is always a choice.*




Yep in the end it's the choice they made. They could have made another but this is the way they went with it. Great post


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

> - Tracey Cox says that affairs come from a human desire for excitement
> - She says that as a relationship goes on we can long for more exotic sex
> - She claims that in order to avoid affairs we should lower our expectations


Well I think she is correct on the first 2 points, but wrong on the 3rd. Why not step up our game rather than lower our expectations? As part of a long term relationship we need to keep adding new things in, and we need to keep tending the fires. This means we have to make an effort to do fun things without regard to all the family pressures and deadlines. We have to put our spouse at the top of the priority list, not down at the bottom below doing the laundry and painting the garage. 

And, yes, it means working at keeping the fun and excitement in sex. Maybe it is a weekend away, or sneaking into the back seat of the car at a drive in movie, or getting dressed up sexy for a Halloween costume party. Not every night is going to be crazy, but we shouldn't resign ourselves to twice per month boring sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I really didn't care for the article...Years ago... I bought the book mentioned.. by Esther Perel, "Mating in Captivity"..... reading some pages .. I remember thinking.... we don't feel like this.. we love being together... and it doesn't down our passion for each other... My husband has never gotten bored with me, oh he's wanted more sex.. but he's never looked over the fence...

Me...I deeply value monogamy and spending my life with one special person who loves me like no other, who has my back, who brightens my world, that special bond we share, there is no force on heaven or earth to compare ..(I am a bit of a romantic, can you tell!).... in all our years... I was never tempted to be with another...he was ENOUGH for me.. every encounter of love making..I was left feeling a deep abiding connection..wrapped in each other... not wanting it to end....

Oh...there were times we SHOULD have been doing it more so, he could have been more creative, or I could have been more seductive..we did let our kids and playing Family get the best of us for a time.. yet we didn't go there, or even think of it !! 

Then when I did want more EXCITEMENT... and Yes, I did .. in Mid life.. I know because of our history, how deeply I feel about this man.. that I would do anything to bring him along for that ride.. I wanted to go those places WITH HIM.. it was not about me finding new excitement with someone else.. but about *US* taking that ride together.. Oh we had a few bumps along the way...but it was like a Mid Life Honeymoon..... a couple doesn't need a new partner.. just shaking it up with the one they love ..

I really feel if a couple is meeting each other 's emotional needs (those 10 listed in "His Needs/ Her Needs)... this is far more easier to maintain...


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Nope. Disagree with everyone on here about that article....it's pretty much accurate, nailed-on. :scratchhead:


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

There is no one motive for cheating, there are a variety of motivations... this woman is NOT an infidelity expert, she's a SEX therapist.

Shirley GLASS is an infidelity expert, Cox is NOT Glass by a long shot.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

> I don't know any couple who are ripping the clothes off each other's bodies ten years in (and don't bother writing to tell me you're the exception because I simply won't believe you!)


Well I've been married 36 years now and I still rip my wife's clothes off during sex, I have too, Lord knows she won't take them off on her own! Boy I tell ya, I get no respect, no respect at all.


Seriously, my wife didn't cheat for the excitement, it played a part in the continuation of the affair, but that's not what got her started. Article has some good points, and some bad points, but nothing I ain't read before. Meh


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> *Well I've been married 36 years now and I still rip my wife's clothes off during sex, I have too, Lord knows she won't take them off on her own! Boy I tell ya, I get no respect, no respect at all.*


Boom!


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Ron Adams, Simply Amorous, Bridge:

I think you are generalizing what simply is extraordinary luck (not to undermine the efforts you might have put into the relationship, and your basic personalities, but still… …one-in-a-billion kind of luck – so much so, one would say your cases are not just exceptions, but pleasantly UNNATURAL).

May it last forever.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> Well I've been married 36 years now and I still rip my wife's clothes off during sex, I have too, Lord knows she won't take them off on her own! Boy I tell ya, I get no respect, no respect at all.


Nice.



"Do you talk to your husband while having sex?"

"Yes. if he telephones me, I do talk to him. After all, he is my husband."


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If you settle, if your lazy, if you take no for an answer, maybe the article has truth.

Not so for this barbarian and mate. I still molest her every chance I get, usually corner her in the kitchen. She will tease me by wiggling various body parts at me until I chase her down.

She attacks me when I get out of the shower by grabbing Mr. Happy and then telling me "I bet you'll follow me anywhere. "

We are into our 23rd year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I generally disagree with this article. 

If you MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON, I think you will still be ripping each other's clothes off 3, 5, 10, 20 years later. I am a big believer that many of us do not choose a compatible partner (especially sexual compatibility), one that will stand the relationship test of time over the long haul. I've said it over and over, but too often we allow society's "checklist" to determine who will be a good mate. I know I was certainly guilty of that when I got married. And my marriage ended.

In my current relationship which is now going on 4 years, the attraction and clothes-ripping is as powerful as it was in the beginning, if not more so. And I am inspired by so many couples on this site (Mr. & Mrs. John Adams come to mind among others) who are still going at it like bunny rabbits after all the years together! I hope to follow in their footsteps.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> If you settle, if your lazy, if you take no for an answer, maybe the article has truth.
> 
> Not so for this barbarian and mate. I still molest her every chance I get, usually corner her in the kitchen. She will tease me by wiggling various body parts at me until I chase her down.
> 
> ...



Please accept my envy and respect.

you're the man.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Ron Adams, Simply Amorous, Bridge:
> 
> I think you are generalizing what simply is extraordinary luck (not to undermine the efforts you might have put into the relationship, and your basic personalities, but still… …one-in-a-billion kind of luck – so much so, one would say your cases are not just exceptions, but pleasantly UNNATURAL).
> 
> May it last forever.


One is a billion... Marriage would be dead and buried.... 1 in 30...maybe.....of course I look around in society & see marriages falling apart all over the place, people stepping out on their spouses .. though I know a good # that are happy thriving couples too ...

What I think is... too often people are falling into bed with each other too soon, the bonding hormones take over, they THINK they are in love but really never got to know each other to the core, emotionally...vulnerably....ignoring the red flags of compatibility.. in a variety of areas.... and those areas MATTER...

I agree with *Happy as a Clam*'s post very much ... not sure what she means by society's checklist.. I had my own personal checklist.. I pretty much interviewed my husband in our back & forth love letters while dating - I knew him like the back of my hand..and he knew me.. We waited till marriage for intercourse and in our world... Marriage was the Bomb! It was everything I ever wanted it to be....oh we had some struggles but it was more external issues, not us at each other's throats, we got along very well ...a team..

Did a thread asking about this here....

CHANGE ..from Dating to VOWS to NOW...who/what & why... 

Out of the 6 scenarios I posed.. most respondents said "Lacking Self Awareness to own needs & desires in a marriage, went in blindly"...

Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows &amp...

I just feel if these 10 emotional needs are being met in the marriage .... taken from ... His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  



> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> ...


...if a couple is honoring all of these.... towards each other... their love would feel revived on a daily basis towards each other.... enough to keep them glued, validated.. its a beautiful feedback loop... like dopamine for each other...

but how many can honor them all.. they fall down in one area that means so much to the other... and Resentment  seeps in.. ..this is the killer of anything that was once beautiful...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just feel if these 10 emotional needs are being met in the marriage .... taken from ... His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


You accurately diagnose what has gone wrong in my marriage, and the resentments that build.

Eventually one reaches the point of feeling alone and defeated, which is beyond the point of no return.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thor said:


> You accurately diagnose what has gone wrong in my marriage, and the resentments that build.
> 
> Eventually one reaches the point of feeling alone and defeated, which is beyond the point of no return.


I have both the "*5 Love Languages*" book ...and picked up a copy of "*His Needs/ Her Needs*" at a garage sale a couple yrs ago...leafing through this...

I was very impressed with the authors explaining each & every one of these needs...and how just one going astray can open up a breach in the marriage... that can allow temptation to come alive...this "going astray" we are talking about in this thread....

I would NEVER disagree with these things.... I realized through that book how God awful wonderful my H has always been , he has supplied me all of those on a consistent basis since our beginnings...I , unfortunately...did fall down a little in the sexual.. but honesty -that was the only area for us.. in all our years.. and boy did I overturn that on it's head...(he admitted even HE was slowly building some resentment towards me - wow.. I didn't even know- how important open communication is!).... 

I had my Resentment thread embedded in that last post...it has a test with it.. on the 1st line... it has the power to destruct everything... if left unchecked.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> . I realized through that book how God awful wonderful my H has always been , he has supplied me all of those on a consistent basis since our beginnings...I , unfortunately...did fall down a little in the sexual.. but honesty -that was the only area for us.. in all our years.. and boy did I overturn that on it's head...(he admitted even HE was slowly building some resentment towards me - wow.. I didn't even know- how important open communication is!)....



You and him – you chose each other well, and then had the wisdom to appreciate what you have, and nurture it – everyone knows and advises that is the thing to do, but VERY few do it – common wisdom, but uncommon in adherence.

Glad to have made your acquaintance.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm one of those fortunate ones who still has the hots for my Wife. I don't think it's luck in as much as its an attitude she and I have both adopted since we got married many years ago.

1) Don't ever take each other for granted:

2) Make time each day to be alone and communicate-maintain our BFF status:

3) Do everything in your power to look and feel as good as you did the day we were married:

I've seen all too often that people simply let themselves go and then wonder why their SO isn't more affectionate or wanting more sex. I think the answer is often obvious. If you always try to maintain yourself as though you were searching for a mate rather than already having one, it makes a world of difference in how much effort you expend to keep yourself in shape.

My W was drop dead gorgeous the day we met and she still is. She puts a lot of effort into looking good and being sexy. I do the same. The result is that we are still wildly attracted to one another. It's true that variety is the spice of life but you can achieve that with your SO. There's simply no need to go outside the marriage for excitement.

My W and I have shared our kinks and fantasies with one another and have experimented with different positions, different venues and different foreplay. In short, we really work at keeping our sex life interesting and fulfilling.

Now I can see that if we made no effort or simply let ourselves go that this could be very problematic, but neither of us thinks that way or wants that result. We really work on our relationship and continue to strengthen our bond. I have found long term monogamy to be more rewarding than I ever thought imaginable. I suppose I used to think like the author of the article but now I know it isn't true. 

I believe that when I committed to be my wife's husband that she deserved the very best that I could give her of myself. I think that means more than just providing a nice income. For me, it meant that I did my level best to stay as fit and attractive as possible and fortunately, she believes the same. It can be done with effort form both spouses.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have both the "*5 Love Languages*" book ...and picked up a copy of "*His Needs/ Her Needs*" at a garage sale a couple yrs ago...leafing through this...
> 
> I was very impressed with the authors explaining each & every one of these needs...and how just one going astray can open up a breach in the marriage... that can allow temptation to come alive...this "going astray" we are talking about in this thread....


I not only have 5LL, I've given a copy to each of my daughters (21 and 25 now). HNHR I haven't read yet. Honestly I've reached the point of no longer putting additional effort into this marriage. I've read a bunch of books, tried MC (she bailed), a couple of years of IC, and tried everything I can all to no avail. To be fair perhaps it isn't to no avail, but all I have gotten is surface level changes.

The interesting part to me about your list is that I can see several which she never met even from the beginning. #7 Honesty and Openness has been missing since day 1.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

johnAdams said:


> I think except for ONS, sex is not the primary driver for most affairs.


I disagree, Mrs. J.A. Take a look at the sexless marriage threads started by men and see how many of them are driven to anguished temptation to cheat by a lack of marital sex. 

However, I agree that it is not a primary motivator for women's affairs.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

SimplyAmorous;8293873[url said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/40768-ultimate-links-thread-compatibility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html[/url]


My wife and I recently did an online compatibility test. It was quite thorough and psychologically based. The results were ranked in several ways, with each individual issue listed as well as an overall compatibility percentage and how you compared to other couples. 

According to the test, my wife and I are less compatible than perfect strangers. Out of the thousands of people who have taken the test, we scored the absolute lowest. :slap:


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

intheory said:


> Just keep having orgasms with each other. Then you don't physically need to cheat.
> 
> If you're getting it at home and still have to have attention from people other than your spouse; that's a maturity issue - not a "sex isn't exciting" issue.
> 
> Which is why you MUST NOT deny your spouse sex. It is SO important. And no "corpse sex" either. You've got to at least be receptive and affectionate.


I definitely agree, denying sex to your spouse is a good way to start a lot of problems. I've read at other sites how droves of women are having all kinds of fun telling about how they are denying their husbands and having all kinds of titers and laughs about it. They don't realize how bad they are hurting themselves. For having a view opposite of theirs, I was kicked off those sites.


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