# Wife returning for the weekend to see kids. Should she be allowed to stay with us?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Wife is flying down to spend the weekend here and she asked how I felt if it was ok that she stayed at my house with the kids. I told her I would think about it. She replied it was no big deal and she has a place to stay (I'm assuming her dad's. He lives 15 minutes from me). But how should I respond? Part of me really feels she doesn't deserve to be in the same home as me and the kids, but part of me tries to be rational and not emotional and say she is still their mom and how would the kids react if I keep her out? I'm kinda split to be honest.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

They are her kids, but that isn't her home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

If you are not dead set on D, then why not? I know you are angry at her, but right now, you have to know what her position is so that you can make decision how to move on. It will be awkard but it would provide an ample opportunity to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. 

Also, there is chance that she wants to have some deep conversation with you when she asked to stay in your house for the weekend. What have you got to lose at this point? Let her come and see how things are. 

Do not use this as your chance to vent your anger and frustration on her. This is about a life-changing decision of D or R with the mother of your kids. So, keep your anger in check, and use this opportunity to figure out exactly what she is thinking now. Carry yourself with more of business mindset than anything, and try staying clear of confrontational attitude, which at this point is not productive for either of you.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Also, try not to have any expectation of how she should respond or what result you hope to see. Prepare for whatever outcome and keep your cool. Do not make the mistake of treating her as your wife. That woman is no more now. Just deal with her as though she is a stranger who happens to be your kids' mother and a woman you once had a relationship with. Try to listen more than talk. 

Your main objectives is to find out
- if she has any interest in R
- if there is OM still involved in her life
- if she wants D, what kind of custody arrangement she has in mind. 

I know you are not sure you want R at this point regardless of what she says, but you have to know what her stance is first.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

HD, ditch that woman. She needs to chase you, not the other way around. Making her stay elsewhere will be better for everyone. The kids need an example of healthy boundaries. Your wife destroyed your family. She shouldn't be rewarded for her behavior. It will cause more grief than it's worth. 

She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. DON'T reward her. Especially if R is on your mind. She needs to see you being strong and moving forward with your life, protecting the kids.

Have the kids able to see her where she's at (provided its her dads) or a neutral location. Now is the time for you to show YOU have boundaries.


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> HD, ditch that woman. She needs to chase you, not the other way around. Making her stay elsewhere will be better for everyone. The kids need an example of healthy boundaries. Your wife destroyed your family. She shouldn't be rewarded for her behavior. It will cause more grief than it's worth.
> 
> She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. DON'T reward her. Especially if R is on your mind. She needs to see you being strong and moving forward with your life, protecting the kids.
> 
> Have the kids able to see her where she's at (provided its her dads) or a neutral location. Now is the time for you to show YOU have boundaries.


I agree completely. She left and she must feel the consequences of her actions. Especially if you're thinking of reconciliation.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If she can stay at her dad's then she should stay there.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Bad idea if you let her stay in your house because the kids may get the wrong impression that their mom is back home to stay. It's your call.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> Bad idea if you let her stay in your house because the kids may get the wrong impression that their mom is back home to stay. It's your call.


This could be very upsetting for the kids. :iagree:


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> Bad idea if you let her stay in your house because the kids may get the wrong impression that their mom is back home to stay. It's your call.


I agree that it would be upsetting for the kids. But, let's face it. The kids are in this together. They will get hurt no matter what, and especially if the parents decide to do D. Considering the scale of event unfolding, obsessing over little things seems pointless. It's like parents trying not to wake up the kids while carrying them out in the middle of fire.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Besides, if you left the W stay, it would also send the W a message that you are weak and pathetic, not a man she would consider keeping.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

While the kids are in it and protecting them seems a little pointless the concern I have is that Mom staying and then leaving will be needlessly confusing at this stage. 
In any case, it is a very difficult one.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No, do not let her stay. Like others have said, this will only get the children's hopes up that the family is still together. Then they will only be crushed AGAIN when she leaves again. This will only hurt and confuse them more. I know I would be.

FWIW, I'm pretty sure your WW has reconnected with OM and taken the affair underground where the OMW can't detect it, or most likely, she is in a new affair there in Wisconsin judging by her actions throughout this whole thing. It looks like your WWs cousin is an enabler anyway. 

She's more content to be a part time mom anyway.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HD- have you filed yet?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Besides, if you left the W stay, it would also send the W a message that you are weak and pathetic, not a man she would consider keeping.



On the other hand, If you don't let her stay it just reinforces her idea that your a jerk and she's been doing the right thing all along.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> On the other hand, If you don't let her stay it just reinforces her idea that your a jerk and she's been doing the right thing all along



Her idea doesnt need reinforcement in her mind. I have been nothing but positive towards my stbxw since D day. To hear her talk I am the biggest jerk around. No matter what you do, the WW is going to demonize you to justify their behavior. If you took her breakfast in bed along with the morning paper while she was staying there it would not matter. I am lucky in that my kids are all grown adults so I am not faced with this decision. If she has a readily availiable place to stay I would not let her stay at my home.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Another vote for not letting her stay. It would be very awkward plus she may try to manipulate you if in the same house.


She made her bed, make her lie in it. She'll respect you more if you tell her no.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The fact that she asked is very telling. She doesn't see herself coming to be with her kids and husband. She see it as her visiting her kids.

I bet she doesn't want to stay there with you because it would be seen as cheating by the OM. Want to bet she has told him you two are all but divorced already and that her time there at the end of summer was her cleaning up loose ends.

Common get those papers filed and call out this WW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

My feeling is that it does not matter either way. The issue in the big picture is to figure out where she stands with respect to this marriage. If she makes it a routine to visit his home on weekends, then it would unacceptable. But, this particular visit can be the opportunity to determine the next course of action for the OP, which is R or D.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Sadcalifornian: WW has clearly made her stand. HD is waffling on the D, I believe. To think R is even possible at this point is ludicrous. If he doesn't man-up and 180, there will never even be the possibility of R, unless he is okay being a cuckold.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

For God's sake, she cannot stay at your home. But that doesn't mean she cannot come by to see the kids there.

Set boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Sadcalifornian: WW has clearly made her stand. HD is waffling on the D, I believe. To think R is even possible at this point is ludicrous. If he doesn't man-up and 180, there will never even be the possibility of R, unless he is okay being a cuckold.


I think this situation is somewhat unique that W left not to live with OM but to search for a job. So, this put BH in a very perplexed situation not knowing what to do. So, this is the first time she is going to meet him face to face after being away for a while. 

In my opinion, he should try to use this opportunity to gauge where each other is at so that he can end this limbo stage.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

NO, she shouldn't be allowed to stay. She stopped being your wife some time ago, didn't she?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

HD, why do I have this feeling that you haven't made any movement forward on filing for divorce from this person? 

Well, it looks like everyone else agrees that she should not stay at your house while she is down. I agree with that, but *I would further suggest that you make it a point to take the kids to see her where ever she stays, and pick them up from there.* Don't even let her come to the house. That will send a message to her, and maybe even to you!

So let's see. She moves far away to "find a job," yet only weeks later she is flying down for the weekend. Gosh, that seems perfectly logical.

As long as you let this woman hurt you, she is going to hurt you. She will betray you. She will dash your hopes. She will interfere with you getting on with your life. She will crush your children's hopes, dreams, and security. She has done all these things already, and yet you still grapple with "should I let her stay in the house?"

Only you can stop this slow-motion nightmare.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You'll know where she is when she comes to town.mperfect time to have her served.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Don't do it. You'll end up either screaming at each other or giving each other the cold shoulder all weekend long. Plus having her so near you will drive you out of your mind, you don't want to say or do anything that you might regret later on.

In the heat of the moment, all thought goes out the door and it's all primal rage at that point. She can come over and visit with the kids but she does not get to stay there, unless she's coming back to you and you want to try R. Aside from that, when it's time to sleep, she's politely shown the door.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you've got a separation agreement or a formal child custody arrangement, I would advise against letting her stay overnight. I was legally separated and I had custody of the kids. They had been with me for months and she hadn't paid a dime in support. My "wife" came over for visitation and we ended up doing the nasty once. She promptly went to the lawyer's and tried to draw up a new agreement (giving her custody) on the basis that we had "reconciled" due to having sex that one time.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

What most posters fail to realize is that OP seems to not have made up his mind to D her yet. As much as he is angry at his W, he still has the lingering hope for R for the sake of his family. He is "not" ready to D yet.

This is why I think her coming down home serves an important purpose of figuring out where they are at. There should be some honest talks between them. The issue is much more than whether she stays at home or her dad's home. I say, let her stay at home with her family, and use that short stay to assess how they feel about each other and the future options.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> What most posters fail to realize is that OP seems to not have made up his mind to D her yet. As much as he is angry at his W, he still has the lingering hope for R for the sake of his family. He is "not" ready to D yet.
> 
> This is why I think her coming down home serves an important purpose of figuring out where they are at. There should be some honest talks between them. The issue is much more than whether she stays at home or her dad's home. I say, let her stay at home with her family, and use that short stay to assess how they feel about each other and the future options.


Sorry, but I've been following this story since the beginning, and he has taken quite a while to realize is the amount of damage and disrespect the WW has shown towards him, the marriage, and their children. 

Lets not forget that naked bike ride. 

Affair over but wife apathetic to marriage 

WW told me not to contact OM wife, but 

Wife is leaving but is wanting to do the minimum towards support 

Wife moving out & I'm not sure the right thing to do 

Wife moved out yesterday, just kids and I 

Question about wife leaving to find work 

I really don't see how you can say she's leaving to find work, like there's no jobs in Houston that she needs to go all the way to Wisconsin to find a job. 

It's all about abandoning Houstondad and the marriage. She spent how many months up there living the single life with her cousin so she could "find herself?" From April to September, right? And now she goes to Wisconsin against his wishes and not even wanting to work on the marriage.

Filing for divorce, but wife is currently job-less 

BSs are often in the smog too.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

No I would not


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> What most posters fail to realize is that OP seems to not have made up his mind to D her yet. As much as he is angry at his W, he still has the lingering hope for R for the sake of his family. He is "not" ready to D yet.
> 
> This is why I think her coming down home serves an important purpose of figuring out where they are at. There should be some honest talks between them. The issue is much more than whether she stays at home or her dad's home. I say, let her stay at home with her family, and use that short stay to assess how they feel about each other and the future options.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Thats why I said let her stay at home. I was surprised/shocked that she came home this quickly. I wonder if she got word that HD was talking to atty about divorce. Anyway since she is coming he should get the lay of the land. I don't see how it could hurt.

On the other hand if I did not see some major improvement by the time she left, I would tell her thats the last time she would be allowed to come back there and I would be filing D ASAP.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have her stay at her dads and if a night gets long then look at the options for her to spend the nigh instead of driving 15 minutes down the road, late at night.

What I like about having her suit case at the dads and then having the option to spend a night will keep the kids somewhat grounded and not having you look like the bad guy when you give her the offer to spend a night when it gets late.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There's a heavy emotional component to this proposal, for the OP as well as the kids. Minds aren't clear when emotions are high. He can be polite, respectful, sociable, even nice. I just want him to keep a clear head and not pursue a path which makes a bad situation worse. He's got the kids so he occupies the high ground. He has the most to lose and the least to gain by her proposal.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sounds bad when you "keep a mother away from her kids" but if it were the other way around and you abandoned your kids, I would advise the LS to have the deserting spouse stay at a more convinient location. Gender does not matter, desertion of families by women is much more frequent these day and the consequences are the same. Tthe priority are the children - the who left can visit but not stay in the home. It is far easier for kids to deal with having the deserter visit than to move back home for a few days and then leave. 

If R is in the works it has to proceed in stages and start with you and your wife. Don't involve the kids in the roller coster ride. Be absolutely sure that she is back to stay. That may take close to a yr or more before you let her back into the kids lives. 

This is not for revenge. She abandoned her family and now she has to earn the right to get them back. By earn i mean to atone in such away as to be reasonably sure that she does not abandon the kids again. I think the fact that she asks and then glibly says it no big deal shows she is thinking of herself only. Not the impact of her coming and going on her children. Oh and let her that it is a big deal. 

Blessings to you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> This is not for revenge. She abandoned her family and now she has to earn the right to get them back. By earn i mean to atone in such away as to be reasonably sure that she does not abandon the kids again. *I think the fact that she asks and then glibly says it no big deal shows she is thinking of herself only. Not the impact of her coming and going on her children. Oh and let her that know it is a big deal.*


:iagree:

Children are usually not privy to the goings on of their parents, especially young children. Even if you were to explain to them beforehand that their mother was going to stay a few days at their home visiting them, their feelings of attachment to their mother would surge and make it very difficult for them to detach once their mother leaves for a second time. Better play it safe and have them visit their mother over at the grandfather's house while she's in town.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This woman has bounced back and forth on these kids, what is it 3 times now,---enuff is enuff

HD---gave her all the chances in the world, to make a mge., and she refused

From the time of her A., she has selfishly placed herself, over her kids, and mge.

The 2 of them are seperated---she doesn't even see the kids for the most part----she does not deserve to stay in the home, and give the kids, false hope that she will be moving back into their lives----she has decided to forsake her family, and go her own way---she should not be allowed anymore than visitation, and that's it


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Let her stay at her dads. She shouldn't have asked. And the kids should not know that she asked. Just another chance to manipulate the situation.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Just an update. She sent me an email yesterday out of the blue stating she will stay at her dads and not stay at my house. She said she would like to do as much as she could with the kids this weekend and she could bring them over to her dad's. She said she doesn't want to complicate things for me. She has been acting nice for the last several months, but her actions tell me she has no effort to recovery. I haven't yet replied back but plan to later tonight with a brief and short response. She's not coming back permanently. It's just a visit to see the kids, then it's back to her cousin's till Thanksgiving holiday. I am taking off Friday to get the papers filed and get custody of the kids after talking to a lawyer recently.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Just an update. She sent me an email yesterday out of the blue stating she will stay at her dads and not stay at my house. She said she would like to do as much as she could with the kids this weekend and she could bring them over to her dad's. She said she doesn't want to complicate things for me. She has been acting nice for the last several months, but her actions tell me she has no effort to recovery. I haven't yet replied back but plan to later tonight with a brief and short response. She's not coming back permanently. It's just a visit to see the kids, then it's back to her cousin's till Thanksgiving holiday.* I am taking off Friday to get the papers filed and get custody of the kids after talking to a lawyer recently*.



Well, it's cheaper and easier to have her served when she's in town than out of State.


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## BillAlfonso (Sep 23, 2011)

Hey, I had a thought, do you think she may take the kids? I've heard of stuff like this before and could complicate things a great deal. I mean, I wouldn't put anything past anyone foul enough to commit adultery.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

BillAlfonso said:


> Hey, I had a thought, do you think she may take the kids? I've heard of stuff like this before and could complicate things a great deal. I mean, I wouldn't put anything past anyone foul enough to commit adultery.


There's always that possibility, from what he's described about her and her activities, it's unlikely because it would cramp her new lifestyle. This is a woman who's enjoying the single life, who rode a bicycle in panties in the naked bike ride. It looks like she's more than content to be a part time mom. Of course I could be wrong, but she's not exactly fighting HD for the kids.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

That's my strong feeling LM. My gut has usually been right with much of this. I've always been the cook of the family. Put the kids to bed. Wake them up and get them ready for school even before all this BS went down a year ago. I feel like being a parent has become a burden for her and it's kinda like a "mid-life crisis" for her in some ways.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Talked to my wife yesterday and she brought up the possibility of staying at the house this weekend. I told her that I was concerned about how our kids would feel once she left. The feeling of abandonment again. Maybe I'm overreacting. Even though they know she is only visiting for the weekend, I told her that with her living in the house it might still send them a mixed message (subconciously?). My wife became upset and felt I was trying to keep her away from the kids. She also didn't understand the difference between her staying at our house and her dad's house.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Good move , she left the house she has to earn the right to have access to it. You should file pronto in case she does try go awol with the children
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