# How to let your loved one go knowing it might help them?



## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

So after 2 weeks of hearing it was all me (I have another thread "Just found out 3 days ago) today in therapy he is realizing it is all him. He is slightly depressed, feels like he needs to be on his own, and doesn't want to be responsible for anyone and wants to experience life o his own. Feels like we got married young...right after he got back from Iraq...and he says he has never got the chance to experience life on his own. Its hard to hear that knowing in my eyes i feel we can work through this but he is set in his ways to want to be alone and live his own life. (There is no one else he is with, no has he cheated, lied etc.)

A little bit of me can see he just wants ot live his life....and i love him so much that i hate seeing him this way....Its hard to just watch him go knowing I might never see him again, only to have him happy, but have me be sad. We have another session next week....plus we are still int he same house for another month since we haven't settled our bills or our morgage yet. I am going ot be the bigger person and help him be happy, but that requires having my heart ripped out and watching him walk away..... it really sux.


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## 1lonelyheart (Oct 20, 2010)

shelly29, i know your emotional pain, love can and sometimes does suck. I to am suffering from a 20 year relationship with the woman I love coming to an end. wants to be on her own & happy. I found out yesterday she has been in another relationship,denying it for 2 months.I finally checked the text on her phone. now she is pissed at me for checking. i've hit bottom, nowhere to go but up. I hope for you too.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Do you think your H would choose you if he had it to do all over again? If you believe this in your heart, then I'd ask for another chance, and go to a Marriage Encounter weekend. 

These were a big fad in the mid-90's, but they are really good. Our therapist put us into exercise that were of the ME vein, and honestly - they will strengthen the romance and love between you so you fall in love again (if there is a possibility).

ME is generally free or $50 for the weekend - they run off donations that are asked at the end, I think? They are often affiliated with a church (so you could google in for your area)... But, a lot of the time is private, so your experience doesn't have to be of the church you are using to attend. 

Anyway, an idea...


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Thanks GoDucks.... I'll take that into consideration... I know now he is pulling away because he wants to live his life... be himself and alone and not be repsonsible for anyone else... I dont think he ever had the chance to live his life just him. I still dont think I have all the answers I need to let him go so Im hoping in the next couple of weeks to really discover why he feels he missed out... what he really wants out of life....

Right now I don't know what he would say about if he would do it all over again with me, but I think it would be a great question to ask him once I am getting more clarity from him. I would definitely pick him in a heart beat...no questions ask, I know he was meant for me.

I asked him tonight via text cause he was at work if he would just always from now on be honest and talk to me when ever he wanted...and i asked him if he wanted to go on a hike on sunday and just walk and talk... just talk about everything and anything and he said he would be game for that.... I hope it happens.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Not much advice to offer - I know this is really hard. Thing is, most who marry young at least think this sometimes, but logic and maturity usually sets in. I really think that my wife sometimes thinks this is what's happening to me, although I tell her that I just wish I had hope that she could one day put things in perspective and be happy - even if its just a little happy.

It's extremely likely that if you let him go, one day, he'll wake up and ask himself why he shot himself in the foot.

One consideration about the Marriage encounter - I've done it twice and the assumption is often that both want to work it out. Just hope that it would not make him build a wall and become angry, but it could make a difference. Me, I left heartbroken. It's not easy seeing other couples where the wife doesn't seem to hate herself (my wife has BPD).


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

Shelly, 
As hard as it must be, it sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Walking and talking is good. Also, keep in mind, you have only had 1 therapy session. He may/may not have revealed all. Try to put some focus on YOUR feelings and needs, also. You need the strength of knowing you are taking care of yourself, too.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

You are right "workin"......i think its hard when you truely love someone to try and put yourself first.... but I see that he is putting himself first and not us....so it semi helps me kind of think wiht m head instead of my heart....its just the tugging of heart that kills me inside even though my head says this will probably happen and we will probably go our own ways...its hard letting go of so may memories with the person you love and having to start all over.

I know everyones always saying, things will get better down the road and i have to believe that but your head is stuck in such a hamster wheel of grief and sadness that its so hard to see past this. There are days when I want to say, well pack yoout **** and leave you @ss**** and then there are days when i feel, "Hey there is seriously something wrong with him inside... i want full closure and understanding in order for me to move on"


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## al0ne (Feb 10, 2010)

Hi Shelly29,

Sorry to hear what you're going through...But I think you need to let him go..

I'm going through the same thing, unfortunately...My husband decided to leave 3 months ago after 15 years because "he loves me very much but doesn't know what he wants out of life and I don't need his indecision"..we have 2 small children and really wanted us to deal with our problems but he made his decision and wont change.

Even though I really wanted to carry on, I could see he didn't want to...so I'm trying to carry on on my own for my own kids...

I understand when you say it's hard to let go, it is....especially when you go through the bad days....but just think that these bad days will soon pass and one day, you'll wake up and be OK...just look forward to these good days, even if they are only a few for now!!


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Very true Al0ne, I think I do need to let him go, saying it just kills me and churns my stomach in knots.... but I hate this limbo stage because like your H, my H has decided this is what he wants and nothing will change that....


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