# When a friendship gets too much



## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

This week, I told a colleague at work that I needed for us to "keep a distance from each other" - and have brought to an end a close friendship. It has been one of the most agonising decisions I’ve ever had to make. But I think I had to do it. We’re both married, and I had begun to think too much about this person and too little about my spouse. 

Rightly or wrongly, this person and I developed a close emotional bond, one which has lasted a few years. We know a lot about each other, have helped each other through a few personal crises, and boosted each other’s confidence by telling each other how great we thought the other person was. But I could feel myself wanting too much from the relationship, and decided – after countless tearful, sleepless nights – I needed to back away. The other person was quite upset, probably because they don't share my strong feelings and can't understand where mine have come from.

There is a sizeable complication. Our desks are right next to each other. We work together on certain projects and are usually the first two in the office each morning. I "broke off" the friendship rather suddenly and without having much of idea of what "keeping a distance" might entail. Yet we will need to speak to each other, and I don’t want things to get nasty. Other people in the office have little idea how close we've become. 

My colleague is out of the office next week, but I’m already dreading the week after that, when we'll try to relate to each other as if we were some sort of strangers. I have only vague ideas how we should and shouldn’t behave in each other's company or what we should and shouldn't say. Even “Good morning, how are you?” is fraught with potential difficulties for two people used to answering that question honestly. What is out of bounds, and what isn't? And is it even possible to maintain a kind of perfunctory relationship with someone after you've cried on their shoulders and hugged them when they were down? It almost feels like I need to quit my job. But that's not an option.

Please help me. I feel as bad as I’ve ever felt in my life – and am more than a little scared. I would take a lot of comfort in hearing from someone who has gone through something similar without going crazy.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ask to have your desks moved. NOthing wrong with that.

YOu are very right to require distance. If only more people had your strength of conviction.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i really feel for you. i had to cut off contact with an old friend of mine and i cried about it for awhile. but he lives in a different state so it was easier. 

just try to do whatever you can do distance yourself physically from him. the emotional will come later. 

it took a lot for you to do what you did. can you turn to your H for support? i hope some day your H can appreciate what you are doing for your marriage.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It's very hard when in your mind you go across that line. It's a fine line between friendship and more. Now granted you didn't go that much farther but in your mind and his it went a little to far. Now hearts are effected. That's the reason people say never get involved at work. Now the best is probably to move your desk away while he's not there..


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Q, 

I can certainly understand the confusion/fears over the mechanics of how to act/respond, etc after this type of friendship comes to an end.

I can also understand their frustration/hurt to this new decision but hang in there. You've done the right thing for YOU and for THEM! If they question you, just say something like "I realized that my focus needs to be on my spouse. I want to turn to them for support. Thank you for your help in the past." Say this as many times as the topic comes up, be kind, but firm. Be done. They can't argue, you've let them know it's complete and over.

Here's my suggestion on the mechanics, think about how you respond to anyone new in the office. You are polite, helpful, considerate but there is a distance to it. The space between you and someone you've recently met is open but unbroachable.

That means, when you say good morning, instead of asking how are you, you say something like "Good morning, it's a beautiful / rainy / cold day today." Nice generally acceptable comment without stepping into the space between you. You smile and quickly glance away while moving on with your work. This allows you to acknowledge them but lets them know you are "at work" and off limits to personal conversation. All of the things you would normally do with someone you don't know well.

Now, how do you work on a project together? The same way you do with someone new. You clarify the "to do" list, who has responsibility for each item, and ask questions or provide answers if needed. No need to get any closer or farther apart than that. If they have a great idea, no worry about saying, that's a great idea. Just don't add you're so smart or brilliant or how lucky you are to work with them. You do this type of interaction every day with others, you can do it with him/her too.

I know it's awkward now, but it's the same if you tried to be too close with someone too fast, that would be awkward too. It's just building a new habit in how you relate with him/her. You can do this! I know you have the strength for it because you've taken the hardest step. It just seems like this part will be harder ... it won't.

I say KUDOS to you for recognizing the danger and removing yourself from it! I know this could potentially sound condecending but it's not meant that way at all ... I'm proud of you! Very few people recognize it in time and even if they do they don't take measures to stop. GOOD for YOU!!!

I'd love to hear how it's going and if you need encouragement to stay firm on this stand, please just vent here. I know I won't be the only one to pat your back and say job well done.

Lost


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Must admit I am struggling to keep her off my mind.


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

So refreshing to see someone recognizing the problem and trying to stop it instead of justifying their behavior.

If you need a little more strength to know you are doing the right thing, just read some of the posts around here to get a better idea of what emotional infedility can do to your spouse.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

just hang in there, and remember, you have more to loose than to gain if ou allow your self to take that path. be strong, you will always have an ear here if you need... well eyes actually.

you can do it, you can make it through this.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Qwertyuiop said:


> Must admit I am struggling to keep her off my mind.


Of course you are! That is normal. However, you are in control of what you continue to think about when she crosses your mind. So here's your cheering squad to encourage you to stick to your guns ... don't give in. The end result is that you'll have your marriage back and your integrity. Mighty fine results, I'd say. =)

Here's something you can do to help. Make a list of the reasons why you made this decision and things you enjoy or love about your wife. When this woman crosses your mind, pick one thing off the list and think about that instead. It's a habit and you just need to retrain your brain.

We do this type of diversion with our children when they want to touch or play with something that isn't good for them and it works the same way in this instance. I know it works because I used this myself.

BTW, do you think this is a coincidence that I just "happen" to be on here reading at the very moment you wrote this? NO, it's not ... it was meant to be. Hang in there. You WILL get through this and when you do you'll look back and be very thankful that you chose right.

Keep venting when you need. Someone will be here.
Praying,
Lost


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Well, I'm back at work with her this morning and I'm so anxious I could just about throw up. Had a long chat with my spouse last night and it did not go well. Then I come into work and see my colleague's gorgeous smile ... but yes, I'm trying my best.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hang in there. It is much easier to idealize someone that you do not live with every day, share finances and day-to-day issues. What did you chat with your wife about that did not go well? 

Understand that you are struggling to let this friendship go and may be less patient with your wife (maybe subconsciously blaming your wife for having to end this friendship?)...She may sense your mood.

Do you feel sympathetic towards your wife's feelings? Do you 'date' your wife? If you can spend some 'fun' time with her, you may begin to think less about the work collegue. 

As far as work, if you stay working together, I agree with the above advice...don't encourage personal conversations...keep it professional as you would with other work collegues.


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Appreciate that, swedish. The rational side of my brain cannot control the irrational. 

My marriage is in danger of falling apart. My work colleague is not the cause, just a symptom. A symptom of the fact that my spouse and I struggle to be intimate with each other. We have not made love in years.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Years? That's not good. Why is that?

If there is no medical reason for the lack of intimacy, it is just playing with fire to deny sex within a marriage. I can imagine any positive attention from a woman who makes you feel attractive would be difficult not to fantasize about...I'm glad you realized your feelings before anything went too far, but if it stops here without addressing the lack of intimacy within your marriage...it can likely happen again down the road with her or someone else....Can you use this as a sign you need to make changes within your marriage? Is that the talk that went bad?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Qwertyuiop said:


> Appreciate that, swedish. The rational side of my brain cannot control the irrational.
> 
> My marriage is in danger of falling apart. My work colleague is not the cause, just a symptom. A symptom of the fact that my spouse and I struggle to be intimate with each other. We have not made love in years.


may i ask a serious question, are you male or female?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Qwertyuiop - You are in the first stages of an emotional affair. It's good that you've recognized it and addressed it with your spouse. But I agree with the other commenters, the lack of sex in your marriage is a problem. Sex is important and this unmet need must be damaging to both you and your wife. Can you use this as a catalyst to address this issues in your marriage?


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

I'm grateful for all the interest and support everyone has shown. I know I am not the loneliest man in the world, but today I sure as hell feel like him.

I know the absence of sex is a problem. Part of this is down to my wife's lack of interest and low sex drive. Part of it is also down to me. We've been together for around ten years now and are both middle-aged; I no longer find her attractive or even desireable. Her hair was once long and black; now it's short and grey. She was once lithe and slim; now she's overweight and arthritic. I know this sounds nasty and selfish, but it's part of the reason I find it difficult to be intimate with her. And I have become impotent.

Sometimes I just about succeed. I haven't forgotten the good things in the relationship. I've said to my wife were I to look for someone else I'd want them enjoy doing the same things she and I do. But quite suddenly I have stopped enjoying just about everything I do with her. These days, I usually dread it. It scares me to think how quickly all this has happened. And knowing that her only reason for making love is because I want it - not because she does - is a huge turn-off.

We are starting couple counselling tonight. My hopes are not high, probably because I've been in therapy for depression for four months now and feel more miserable than I was at the start. Yes, I know: sometimes you have to reverse before you go forward. But I can't see forward just now.

I'll be honest with you: today, I would prefer to be dead.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

that is never an answer... stick with it and it will start to turn around. honest.

as for the not evjoying things you do with your wife.... that could actually be due to the other woman. some times that will cause your perceptions to change and it will take the light of love of your spouse, suddenly, none of the thing you enjoyed are enjoyable.

and try not to let her giving you sex just to please you get you down... it's hard to grasp, i strugled with it too, but honestly, she isn doing it because she loves you, she wants you to be happy and if you ask her, she will probably tell you that she enjys it too, just doen't have the drive for it... accept it from her, because belive it or not, when you stop accepting it, it gets worse, way worse, as it sounds like you know.. (weird) 

good luck with the counseling, try to be positive, not all things are handled the same and i pray your therapists are able to help you and your wife.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am of two minds when it comes to the circumstances you describe.
Kudos, for being self-aware enough to recognize that your relationship with your co-worker was creating concern regarding your marriage, particularly if your marriage is not going well.

However, given what has transpired in your marriage ... know when to fold'em. I'm not advocating dumping your wife. If anything, you are taking exactly the correct steps.
- you recognize that there is a problem
- you want to address the problem
- taking steps to address the pain means sacrifice and work - and in your case, loss. But you did it anyway. 
- Going to counseling to try to address the issues in your marriage to determine if the marriage can be, or is worth saving.

What I am saying, having attempted to follow the steps above myself - is at the end of the process (what/when the 'end' is - is up to you) Choosing to dissolve the marriage is one of your options. It is the one that I took. Being commited to your marriage is noble. Being commited to being miserable is silly. Choose to be happy, whatever that choice involves.

Tell your co-worker what is going on, if you feel that you have that kind of relationship. If she is sharp, she will understand the subtext. You are trying to do what you need to do for yourself. It seems clear that you recognize that developing feelings for your co-worker will cloud your ability to honestly evaluate what is happening with your wife. I don't doubt for a moment that the co-worker has nothing to do with the issues between you and your wife, but that certainly would not be your spouses opinion were she to learn about it.

I'm sorry that it hurts - and I know it hurts.
But you should give yourself some credit that you are absolutely acting honorably and above board. Regardless of what decision you make - you are taking the correct steps.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I agree with Deejo. You are being a stand up, honourable man. Life it short and you need to work on getting to a happier place. Ideally, this will happen through greater intimacy in your marriage. But if not, you can feel good about doing the right thing while you pursue a path that will bring you to happiness.


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Thanks very much for the support, everyone. I can't tell you how much it helps.

Bit of pisser that the counsellor phoned in sick tonight. This was to be our first session with her. I've rarely had a more difficult day in my entire life, and that rounded off the whole depressing day.

My wife knows about my co-worker. She encouraged me to be friends with her. But I have confessed to my wife that I was spending too much time thinking about the wrong woman and she agreed (with some reluctance!) it was right for me to pull back.

Deejo, you said: "Tell your co-worker what is going on, if you feel that you have that kind of relationship. If she is sharp, she will understand the subtext." What would you suggest I tell her? She knows the marriage is having difficulties, but I haven't told her what those difficulties are. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable telling her about the sexual dimension, or lack of it.

I am trying to choose to be happy. But I'm not sure where my happiness lies. I think what I am searching for is "limerence" - the falling-in-love bit, the romantic desire, the "I want you as badly as you want me" I have been missing all my life. At the moment, I couldn't care less whether it lasted until I die or for a month; my need to "be desired" (as my therapist calls it) is submerging most of my other emotions. I need to remind myself of how much I would lose if we broke up. We are, at the very least, good friends.

I know I owe it to my spouse to try a little harder. But when I'm down, I can't see how I can dance around the issue of not desiring her. Can it happen after all this time? Am I thinking too much with my crotch?

Sweet Jesus, I am a mess, an utter mess.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

I commend you. Cut it off. Nothing good will come of the mess.

She's married, you are married. 

Fix your own marriage or cut your losses. Then move on. There are plenty of fish out there. The myth that there is only a single person for each of us is a fallacy. There are lots of quality people. The key is find one that's compatible and as committed to working at it and stick with it as you. 

Sounds like your wife semi-checked out already...but that's what the counseling is for.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My point was to stress that you value her friendship, the step back isn't about something that she has done wrong - it is about all of the things she has done right, and as a result, it is clouding your perspective on trying to address issues in your marriage. 


Is she married as well? I reread your initial post - did I just flat out miss that somewhere?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Qwertyuiop - Could you be having a mid-life crisis? Not meant as a judgment. When people are seeking out those in love feelings, it's often a tonic for deeper "who am I / what's the point" kind of thoughts. That reality is that you probably won't get those "in love" feelings again with your wife. Your relationship has moved past it. But there is a deeper level of connection that some couples are able to achieve.

That said, telling your wife you don't find her attractive is an extremely difficult conversation to have, but maybe she needs to hear it. If she made more of an effort to be attractive to you, and stoke the fires of desire, would that help recreate intimacy?


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Thanks again, everybody. I'm very grateful.

I'm not sure I believe in mid-life crises. I think what's going on in my head has very little to do with my age.

Yes, my work colleague is married. I should have mentioned this earlier. Happily married, she insists - though I have my doubts. She has leaned on me quite heavily at times - partly, she says, because there are certain things she can't discuss with her husband. In an ideal world, she says, she _would _discuss them - but "we don't live there". That answer strikes me as a little glib. But what do I know?

Deejo, I think this colleague is aware of the things you suggest that I tell her. The other week, we had a very frank exchange of text messages. I said to her (in part): "I am in a relationship that is falling apart. At the moment I seem to have little interest in saving it, for reasons I don't understand. Other women - particularly attractive, friendly ones who tell me I am a nice man - are proving a distraction. And because I am f***ed-up, I end up thinking too much about you and not enough about [my spouse]. So you tell me: under the circumstances is it wise for our friendship to continue as it is?"

She replied (in part): "I guess I valued ur friendship at a difficult time in my life and I looked 2 friends (male and female) 4 support. I have been v open with you and that is not something I do lightly. I am sorry if my trust was misplaced and that I made things worse 4 u. I guess I just hoped the attraction thing would pass in time."

Then, she texted this: "Hope you don't mind me contacting u but saw [her therapist] yesterday and was talking about all this … Do u feel I misled you in any way? Did u interpret my friendliness as an 'invitation' at any point? Please be honest!" 

I said: "I am a lonely and confused man who couldn't handle the friendliness of an attractive woman. But we got too close." 

Her reply was: "mhhmmm ... U think we got 2 close cos it became difficult 4 u. I didn’t have an issue with it. I like having close friends."

There's more, but I'm not sure it's all that helpful.

As for my spouse "checking out" - perhaps I'm painting an unflattering picture of her. She is very affectionate, a terrific listener, and easy to get on with. Until recently, we have enjoyed each other's company. And all along, she has made clear that her sex drive is low. Deep down, I blame myself for that - I suspect if I was more her thing, she'd have taken more of an interest. (Part of the reason I'm in therapy, I suppose.) But this colleague, damn her, has removed the scales from my eyes. Now I see what I have been missing.

At the end my very first session with the therapist, having told her how much I loved my wife and how great our relationship was, she asked me: "Do you think what the two of you have is a relationship, or just a very good friendship?" And it's that question that continues to haunt me - day after day, night after night.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Hey buddy, you are in an emotional affair and currently in "the fog". You're falling for the fantasy of this other women, and it's brought up all sorts of feeling you haven't had in a long time. 

I'm going to suggest you check out the forums at survivinginfidelity.com - specifical the wayward forum. There's a whole lot of complicated feelings that are going on, and other people who have gone through that might be more able to guide you.

You need to realize that your feelings for this other woman and unrelated to your marriage. Of course a new person, who is largely a fantasy is more exciting. It's like a new toy. Affairs happen to good people. But you are deluded to compare your wife to this other woman. It's deeply unfair to your wife, and unloving.


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Thanks for this. I've had a look at this other forum, but am not sure what exactly to search for. But I appreciate your advice. As I've said: the logical side of my brain is unable to control the emotional side. I am painfully aware of the "unfair" things I'm doing.

My wife has just left for a week to visit her sister. To say I'm not looking forward to a weekend on my own is an understatement. But it's crazy: I don't like it when she's here, and I don't like it when she isn't.

God, this is awful. I feel like I haven't a friend in the world just now.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It's hard when you are not getting the emotional responses from your wife that you need. It does tend to lead us a stray. Just be strong.. I can tell you its hard. I am almost 40 and when my wife and I were going through our issues there was this 21 year old who one night asked me to go out with her to a bar. I knew what she was getting at. She was hoping I would drink a little and let my guard down. It's been no secret to me that she as wanted me and at the time it was almost 2 months since sex with my wife. I did think LONG and HARD about it but in the end I text her back I can't do it and said sorry. I know what your feeling and if you want any type of relationship with her that can't be in the way.. The OW was covering her butt not to look like she wanted you.. Tread lightly..


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Were you able to get it on with your wife after that? And did it cure your temptation? Because at the moment I feel like the loneliest man in the world.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

When you are not being loved back it makes you want to stray. When you are "in love" there is no temptation to stray. Now the problems are how do you keep that up?? Well you change your thinking and put priorities in order. Always focus on your spouse first above everything in life. If you do that you will see a good relationship. You can't give in to temptation. It will make you feel worse.


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

I am not sure I have ever been "in love".

I am loyal, though.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

See that might be the problem then. As men we tend to hold back true feelings and are afraid to look weak. Take this time to learn about yourself. look at what you want and need...


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Absolutely. 

Thanks for your support.


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## Otter88 (Oct 7, 2009)

Loving Husband is correct.
Look at what you want and need.
Make a commitment to not stray - you are so far doing a great job and I admire that you recognize and do not WANT to go down a bad, bad path; I even think it wonderful you talked with your spouse about this.

You are spending much time in the physical presence of this other woman and that is making life worse for you. Have your desk moved, your texts to this woman are clear and she knows what is up; if she is any type of a good person, she will honor your space and need for distance.

You and your spouse need to be in a room with a counselor and you be able to say: "This is what I want and need, and I don't think I am getting what I need". Then what you need and what your wife can provide to help you meet your needs must be discussed.

Marriage isn't easy road. Affair is much harder road. 

You are right in thinking your wanting to stray is a symptom; you recognize your weakness.

You are a good person, don't stray and make yourself be less than honorable.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Otter88 said:


> Loving Husband is correct.
> Look at what you want and need.
> Make a commitment to not stray - you are so far doing a great job and I admire that you recognize and do not WANT to go down a bad, bad path; I even think it wonderful you talked with your spouse about this.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup::smthumbup::iagree::iagree::yay::yay:


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Thanks again for your input.

As I've mentioned, we are due to see a counsellor. But I'm rather sceptical that this person will be able to put things right. The scales have been lifted from my eyes; I'm not sure my marriage has ever been anything more than a good friendship.

In my defence, it was never really my intention to have an affair with my colleague (assuming that was possible). But I knew I was thinking too much about her, and not enough about my spouse - and yes, I have put her on a rather unhealthy pedestal.

She is, though, giving me plenty of space, and although it is hard as hell to treat her like she's just another person, I've just about succeeded this week. But I wonder, though, just how many months of this torture I will have to endure before I can untwist my thinking and see her as I once did. (Changing desks is not an option.)


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I agree with you sir, changing desks is a silly solution. If you were chatty third graders, moving you both to opposite sides of the room just might work. In this situation sir, you need to change jobs. 

Pull the trigger on it Q. It is much easier to find another job than another wife, and your honor in doing nothing or in succumbing to temptation, well that will be lost forever. LIL


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Q- A counsellor isn't going to "fix" you. They will help to get you see things differently. Help you focus on the positives. Work on being a better person instead of dwelling on the past.. Just be open minded..


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> "But I'm rather sceptical that this person will be able to put things right. The scales have been lifted from my eyes; I'm not sure my marriage has ever been anything more than a good friendship."


Yeah, that maybe true, but when I hear that from a person who is emotionally involved with another woman, it screams of bull****.

Love isn't some high-on-life feeling, that's the initial euphoria, bond-building stage. It's superficial and like a drug. I guarantee if you chase that feeling, it's a path to misery. You might as well be chasing a heroin high on some street corner because the initial high isn't sustainable.

You and your wife may or may not be a match, but using the "feeling" you get from this other woman a filter, is delusional thinking. It'll only end badly for you if you keep it up.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Yeah, that maybe true, but when I hear that from a person who is emotionally involved with another woman, it screams of bull****.
> 
> Love isn't some high-on-life feeling, that's the initial euphoria, bond-building stage. It's superficial and like a drug. I guarantee if you chase that feeling, it's a path to misery. You might as well be chasing a heroin high on some street corner because the initial high isn't sustainable.
> 
> You and your wife may or may not be a match, but using the "feeling" you get from this other woman a filter, is delusional thinking. It'll only end badly for you if you keep it up.


:iagree:

I couldn't agree more with Seeking Sanity. Feelings are fickle. They change with the stimuli around them and the least little breeze will change them. I can understand wanting the excitement again but it won't last.

What you have _with_ your wife is a bond forged in love. 

I found these three "love" words with definition online:
*Eros*, which is sexual or romantic love.
*Phileo*, which is a brotherly love toward someone we really like. 
*Agape*, which is the deepest love, which is based on doing good things for another person. 

Love is NOT just a "feeling". It is an action as well. IMO, IF you work on your actions towards and for your wife, Eros will follow. At least is has for me towards my husband.

The only thing you have with this OW is Eros and is a feeling imo.

Stay true to your values, your marriage, and your vows. I second what Lastinline said about changing your job. You will do what you truly value. Please, don't chase a rainbow.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Can you build passion with your wife?

Were you attracted to her in the beginning? And she to you? Do you do fun things together? Could the two of you get fit together? Walking an hour together end of day can be delightful. As for the weight gain thing - that is not good. But if it is to be solved, do it together, don't make it her problem. 








Qwertyuiop said:


> Thanks again for your input.
> 
> As I've mentioned, we are due to see a counsellor. But I'm rather sceptical that this person will be able to put things right. The scales have been lifted from my eyes; I'm not sure my marriage has ever been anything more than a good friendship.
> 
> ...


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Thanks for all the input, everyone.

Changing jobs strikes me as silly. A new job could just as easily introduce me to somebody else, and more serious consequences. 

My wife and I have got along fairly well up until this year. When I met her, though, it was on the rebound - my first wife had left me, quite suddenly, after an eight-year marriage and that really blew me apart. I was desperately lonely and unwilling to heal the wounds on my own. My second marriage was, to an extent, predicated on us both being lonely.

That said, we've had a pretty good time of things until recently. I can't believe our relationship would have lasted this long if it was just a cure for each other's loneliness. We've normally enjoyed each other's company. We are each other's best friend.

But now a light seems to have been switched off. The loneliness is back, and the worst of it is, I'm lonely even in her company. I feel like I've nothing to say to her; I'm not interested in conversation, in doing anything with her, in sharing a bed with her. At times I look at her across from the dinner table and see a complete stranger. And, dear God, it is the worst feeling in the world.

I am relatively fit. I exercise quite regularly and weigh less now than I did twenty years ago. But she is ten years older than I am, and prefers to take things a bit more gently now that she's pushing 60. I walk to get fit: she walks to take in the scenery. That never used to bother me too much; it bothers me now. Her expanding girth doesn't seem to bother her too much.

I well understand the "delusional thinking" about my colleague. As I've said, it was never my intention to start anything with her. But things went too far - and now I find it almost impossible to get her off my mind. Have any of you gone through anything like this? What can I expect to go through before she finally falls off the pedestal I have put her on? How long is it going to take before I see her as a fairly ordinary person rather than an object of desire?

I also appreciate that the "initial high" I'd experience with someone else won't last ("limerence", I think it's called); but equally, I'd like a woman who is interested in sex to the point where, once in awhile, she'd say "let's go to bed" or "take off your clothes". Or, after all this time with her, is that asking too much?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

> I also appreciate that the "initial high" I'd experience with someone else won't last ("limerence", I think it's called); but equally, I'd like a woman who is interested in sex to the point where, once in awhile, she'd say "let's go to bed" or "take off your clothes". Or, after all this time with her, is that asking too much?


Absolutely, it's not too much to want a sexual relationship with your wife. In fact, I think it is soul-deadening to accept a sexless marriage. 

What we're all trying to get at is replacing one with another is a cruel thing to do to your wife, and won't serve your long term interests. If you want out, can't make it work with your wife, or don't want to, at least get out with dignity for both yourself and your wife.

You seem like a very bright guy, who intellectually gets all this and is somewhat surprised with himself that he's having feelings. Is it accurate to say you are more of an in your head person, than a in your feelings person?


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

I'm not sure what the difference is. I've always thought of myself as a sensitive guy, and I find it hard to keep my feelings to myself. I guess that's part of the reason I'm here. Does that answer the question? 

I think what has surprised me is that my work colleague is, to me, quite attractive - much more attractive than either of the women I have married. I have _never_ had any luck with physically attractive women and just assumed that I would have to accept a "good enough" relationship with someone who didn't necessarily turn me on but was a good companion. It's taken me 47 years to realise that a sexually-charged relationship might have happened, had I been patient enough to look for one. And I guess that's part of the reason I feel so utterly depressed.


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Just thought I'd post an update here. Since "breaking off" with my colleague -- which has proven to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life -- things have become even worse. My sleep has become more erratic; I am finding it hard to concentrate on or care about pretty much anything. My health is also being affected. I developed a series of boils along my neck and down my arms and a sinus infection. I went to the doctor, who said my immune system was weak, and that it might have been brought on by stress. Antibiotics have helped, but they've not cured it.

Stress I have in abundance. My therapist is trying to help me knock this woman off the pedestal I appear to have put her on. Yet I continue to think about her; if anything, ending our friendship has intensified my thoughts toward her. 

She still sits next to met at work, of course, and there is a continuum of possible behaviour that I am struggling to position myself on. At one extreme, it's not possible to say nothing to the woman (or to quit work and never see her face again); at the other end, it doesn't make sense to resume the lunches and texts. We talk, but it's perfunctory and banal; she asks me "How are you?" and all I can say is "I'm doing the best I can." There are days when I think about ending my life.

And has all of this trauma brought me any closer to my wife? No, not one bit. 

Someone tell me it gets better. Tell me that you've conquered something similar, that it was all worth it. Because I don't know how much more of this I can take.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't beat yourself up.

You get one shot at conducting your life.
I tried for a very long time to mend the growing distance between my spouse and I.

I wanted to be an honorable, and loving, husband and father. I wanted a spouse that acknowledged my dedication, appreciated my efforts, provided me with physical affection, sex, and emotional support.

Apparently it was a very tall order. I struggled to make sense of it, and worked harder, did more, trying to bridge the gap. Instead, things got worse. My circumstances culminated in feeling completely unsure of myself, I was depressed, and ended up in the hospital twice with chest pain.

We addressed the core issues in 04 through marriage counseling. In 08 we returned with the exact same issues.

The absolute kicker was that my spouse was baffled by my unhappiness. (She now takes ownership of, and acknowledges ignoring the marriage)

To sum up a very long, painful, and draining experience - we could not come to a compromise. I left. She began giving what I had asked for, to someone else - willingly and without issue.

My point is, invariably if you do not put meeting your own needs first, ultimately you can't contribute to meeting someone elses. There is a difference between being self aware and selfish.

There is a line between self-sacrifice and surrender.

You aren't evil if you choose to pursue happiness - and it doesn't include your wife.

And yes, it is worth it. Although it certainly won't feel that way when you take the first step.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sometimes with an EA things have to get a lot worse before they get better. Plain and simply said you have broken up with some one you loved and it hurts. But it was the right thing to do in order to give your marriage a chance. If you end up in divorce because you simply can't love her or she doesn't fill you needs, thats one thing. But to leave her for a fantasy in another woman would be disastrous as you'd be destroying two marriages. The resentment towards her likely stems from placing blame on her for you ending the friendship. You did it for her and your marriage after all. My marriage survived my wife's EA and she resented me greatly after I told her it had to end. The recovery was long but the marriage endured and improved. She is out of the fog and sees me for who I am again. As you move out of the fog you will hopefully see your wife in a better light. Take care of your health and give yourself some time to heal. That must happen first in order for the marriage to improve. Good luck.


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

I appreciate this, Amplexor.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

This has everything to do with not getting your needs met in your marriage. That's why you're in this spot. You'd act like that with any other woman on this planet that you get close to (so this is not about your colleague being special or having some special qualities). 

This is from personal experience as i've had lacks in my marriage and was constantly tagging so many men with these qualities i was looking for (when in reality they didn't have those qualities but hey..gotta love the human brain). 

If I were you I wouldn't break it off with your colleague simply because she seems decided to keep you just as a friend. Hence, even if you wanted to you couldn't turn it into more. A lot comes from accepting that while this person is nice and you like her you can't have a romantic relationship with her...simply because she's not looking for that. Moreover...you could turn to her to figure out how to FIX your relationship with your wife. 

I know this sounds odd, and perhaps hard...but, you know, life is not full of flowers and butterflies and we don't get everything we want, specially without work. As long as your marriage is not ok, you'll keep seing women around you as having to offer soooo much more and you'll be miserable. See what's the best you can do with what you have at home, and work on it.


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## Qwertyuiop (Oct 18, 2009)

Thanks for that. An interesting perspective.


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