# Husband too close with female coworkers



## falco89 (Sep 15, 2019)

Hi everyone,

I am here to vent as well as get some advice on my relationship with my husband. He is an airline pilot and is usually gone on 4 day trips. I never had an issue with him hanging out with flight attendants or other women until I found out how often he texts a couple of them and hangs out with them and tries to get trips with them. Apparently some of his co-workers thinks that he's dating them and cheating on me. He hasn't cheated but I think he is way to close to them. He also texts them almost the same frequency he texts me and they tell him all of their relationship issues. I've told him how upset I am about all this and yet I checked his iPad and he's still texting them the same way and trying to hang out with them and get trips with them constantly. I don't think he understands boundaries at all and thinks all of this is just being friends. I know I shouldn't have checked his iPad. We're going to see marriage counseling anyway but just wanted to see other opinions about this issue and let it out. I think he does have feelings for one of them but I don't know how to approach him about that or if I even should start that conversation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why shouldn't you have checked his iPad? 

He isn't trustworthy, so...


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

falco89 said:


> Apparently some of his co-workers thinks that he's dating them and cheating on me.


I'm wondering how you know this?


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

I would definitely be worried. I have a friend whose father was an airline pilot. He cheated on his wife for years. When he later came clean, he tried to use the work environment as an excuse. Apparently hookups between pilots and flight attendants are very common.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

falco89 said:


> He hasn't cheated but I think he is way to close to them.


As I ask every potential betrayed spouse who claims to know their spouse "hasn't cheated," are you connected to his hip? Because unless you are and can see everything he does 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, then you don't know anything for certain. That's just a sad fact.

Unfortunately, pilots are known to be *notorious* cheaters and I got to see that up close and personal about 10 years ago, attending a dinner party hosted by friends of my then significant other. They were mostly pilots and their wives and at one point in the evening, most of the men were all bunched together by the bar getting drinks and comparing notes. I just happened to be in the kitchen only 10 feet from them so I overheard one on them saying something about "thank God for Argentina and their beautiful women" and all his buddies were agreeing and talking about how 'friendly' and 'beautiful' South American women are to American men, and how 'generous' they are sexually, etc. etc., Elbowing each other and bragging about the different women they'd met south of the border and blah blah blah. I wasn't surprised at all because my boyfriend had already told me many of the stories he'd heard from this group of jack-holes about their exploits in other cities or countries.



> I don't think he understands boundaries at all and thinks all of this is just being friends.


He 'understands' boundaries just *fine*. Unless he's a 10 year old kid who has no clue how life works, then he knows exactly what he's doing. But I'll lay money he's going to ACT like a dumb kid who innocently didn't know better about boundaries when you call him on it. They all do, and that innocent wide-eyed look actually works most of the time. I repeat - he knows EXACTLY what he's doing.

And I also think you're going to find out that he's been up to a lot more than just 'talking' with his lady co-workers. I'm sorry, but I do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

20yr said:


> I would definitely be worried. I have a friend whose father was an airline pilot. He cheated on his wife for years. When he later came clean, he tried to use the work environment as an excuse. Apparently hookups between pilots and flight attendants are very common.


Sadly I have heard the same thing. I knew a women married to a pilot, again he cheated countless times. Its rife in that job. 

Op, its very worrying that he is so close to them and even arranging to always fly with them. As you said he has no boundaries it seems, and its sad but it may well be that he has cheated many times already.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

I've read your post 3 times now and I'm feeling like I need more of a background. Basically I'm left wondering if you are just way too patient, or just afraid to speak up for some reason. What do you mean when you say he hasn't cheated? You pretty much just explained that he has, or at least that's how I read the story. That's why you checked the ipad...for confirmation.


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## falco89 (Sep 15, 2019)

I don't think he has physically cheated but I don't know for sure since he's always gone. His friends told him at a party that there's a rumor of him dating or doing stuff with some of the flight attendants because he's always with them hanging out. He tells me all of this and thinks it's ok because they're "just friends" and I told him how angry and upset I am but nothing changes. I think I've been too patient with him for a long time and trusting. I'm just going to tell him no more bidding with these people and no one on one meeting up or I cant do it anymore.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I feel that once a person especially woman's intuition starts to kick in that your gut feelings are right and it is leading that way to cheating and that's why you're super uncomfortable with your husband acting like a fraternity with his crew members and other female flight attendants. 

Better to nip it in the bud now and face it head on now. It's bothering you and I think we should just stomp out the problem by facing it and dealing with it straightforward.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

You've been far more patient with him than most and he's being disrespectful of you because he's repeatedly broken boundaries. He knows where you stand and doesn't seem to care. See how marriage counseling goes and take it from there. If nothing changes, and this is just an opinion, it's best to just walk away.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

falco89 said:


> I don't think he has physically cheated but I don't know for sure since he's always gone. His friends told him at a party that there's a rumor of him dating or doing stuff with some of the flight attendants because he's always with them hanging out. He tells me all of this and thinks it's ok because they're "just friends" and I told him how angry and upset I am but nothing changes. I think I've been too patient with him for a long time and trusting. *I'm just going to tell him no more* bidding with these people and no one on one meeting up* or* *I cant do it anymore*.


You really don't know that he's not cheating. It's more likely that he is.

Good for you for deciding to issue an ultimatum. Either he agrees to your boundaries or you're out.

(If you want to figure out if he's really faithful, stay on here and we will help you do some digging.)


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

falco89 said:


> I think I've been too patient with him for a long time and trusting. I'm just going to tell him no more bidding with these people and no one on one meeting up or I cant do it anymore.


You either trust him or you don't. If you don't then it's time to leave. Because if you don't trust him, then it doesn't matter whether he is cheating or not, you are always going to suspect he is. You don't get to determine his friendships. Nor does he yours. You only get to choose if you stay or go over them. Just because they are of the opposite sex/gender doesn't mean he's having affairs. One of the biggest problems relationships have is this idea that spouses should only have friends of their own sex/gender. Even when they think they look beyond that stereotype, people still fall prey to it if their spouse acts in ways that they don't think friends should act, despite the fact that there is no one true way to act. It doesn't matter what the stereotype of a pilot is or even what the statistical norms.of behavior of them is. What matter is whether or not you trust your husband.

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## falco89 (Sep 15, 2019)

Thank you everyone for your responses I appreciate the help.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

What bothers me more is the fact that he doesn't really care how you feel about this f'd up situation and he makes no effort to calm or reassure you that nothing's going on. He doesn't respect your feelings on this and he goes on as if nothing's bothering you. 

Even if he's not cheating, the indifference that he shows towards your hurt feelings is just something that shows he doesn't give a sh*t about your or the marriage that much. 

I'd call him an immature kido and would give him a real hard "slap" of what divorce could be like.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> Even if he's not cheating, the indifference that he shows towards your hurt feelings is just something that shows he doesn't give a sh*t about your or the marriage that much.


Exactly.

That's why it would be extremely naive to believe this guy hasn't been taking advantage of every opportunity that's come his way for YEARS.

I think the OP has only seen the very tip of the iceberg with this one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@falco89 I have moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Exactly.
> 
> That's why it would be extremely naive to believe this guy hasn't been taking advantage of every opportunity that's come his way for YEARS.
> 
> I think the OP has only seen the very tip of the iceberg with this one.


Yup.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

falco89 said:


> Thank you everyone for your responses I appreciate the help.


One thing to mention here, since it doesn't seem that anything you've discussed with him, so far, has led to any progress. Drop the conversations about it until you're with the MC. He's got some huge boundary issues that he's not recognizing, and his 3rd-party validation is coming from his pilot friends, who support those loose boundaries. The MC will provide an alternative, real-world perspective on boundaries and hopefully get your husband to understand why, in a marriage or LTR in general, what he's doing is inappropriate. And (of course this assumes the MC is decent) you'll have a safe place to talk about these things where you don't have to worry about being seen as being worked up over nothing.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

He won't be able to justify his behavior after reading this book. It's based on extensive research (what behavior/crossing of boundaries led to cheating) with couples that experienced infidelity.

Just a note about texting. One, it's addictive. Two, although flirty suggestive or overly personal texts are dismissed as harmless they are not harmless. Texting triggers the same chemical reaction in the brain as face to face conversation - and can therefore lead to unintended intimacy.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Ages?
How long have you been married?
Children?


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