# Need to grab my cahunas!



## lostchica (Aug 18, 2016)

help -- I found out that my husband of 8 years (16 years together) was having an over 1.5 year affair -- affair ended -- but now he says he doesnt know what he wants - I am doing everything to keep our marriage together -- and after 5 months he says he still doesnt know what he wants -- I am devastated -- how do I let go and get strong enough to tell him to **** or get off the pot?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow, what a shock to find that out after 16 years...and such a long affair too...

I'm very sorry you have found yourself here.

Can you give us a little more detail about your situation and relationship?

Why did the affair end?

Do you have children?

The more detail you are willing to share, the better our responses will be to help you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

5 months later... are you sure the affair ended?

Nothing gets a wayward's attention faster than filing... you cannot make his choices for him but you can surely make yours for you.

I sense he is waffling because he has not ended his connection to the AP... show him his options are limited, if not non-existent, to string either of you along so take that energy that is making you miserable and use it for action even if on an unfamiliar path, especially if you will not be able to count on him to do the heavy lifting to repair things in your relationship.

Please focus on your three selfs... self-love, self-respect, self-worth. These are you and he cannot take these. Do not allow him to interfere with your clarity of your own value by his poor choices and actions.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I sense he is waffling because he has not ended his connection to the AP... show him his options are limited, if not non-existent, to string either of you along so take that energy that is making you miserable and use it for action even if on an unfamiliar path, especially if you will not be able to count on him to do the heavy lifting to repair things in your relationship.


When I was cheated on, "it's over" didn't mean that literally. He could still have some actual connection with her, or he hasn't let her go (emotionally).



lostchica said:


> help -- I found out that my husband of 8 years (16 years together) was having an over 1.5 year affair -- affair ended -- but now he says he doesnt know what he wants - *I am doing everything to keep our marriage together *-- and after 5 months he says he still doesnt know what he wants -- I am devastated -- how do I let go and get strong enough to tell him to **** or get off the pot?


"I don't know" might be his answer. He needs to choose you. If he doesn't shoulder the entire burden of his choice, there will be no chance of a path forward.

If he does not choose you, with words and actions, then I advise respecting and accepting his choice.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> If he does not choose you, with words and actions, then I advise respecting and accepting his choice.


Many will tell you that he deserves no respect, but the respect given is much more for you than for him, although he will receive some of the reward... think if it in the sense as a thrown stone creates the ripples in the water, all in the immediate are touched by the ripples. 

Respect is like forgiveness in a lot of ways, it is a humble mechanism that is there to free you because without it, you can never move forward, and moving forward is the best path for you at this time even if it is without him. 

It is scarring, being cheated on, but remember that scar simply means you were tougher than the thing that hurt you.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I often find that we think about things binary too much. Maybe that's how our minds work, but there are degrees of difference we tend to ignore. Both $100 Million and $1 Billion seem like a lot of money, but 1 Billion is 10 times as much. 

My spouse cheated on me. He had a one night stand. Ok, that is a cheat and often ends a marriage. It happened once.

My spouse cheated on me. He had a 1.5 year affair. Ok, that is a cheat and often ends a marriage. It happened for A YEAR AND A HALF! 

A year and a half. Thousands of lies. Hundreds of times banging each other. All sorts of sneaky sneakerson actions. Mind boggling amounts of sweat and semen. 

Who gives a **** if it's over? GTFO


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lostchica said:


> help -- I found out that my husband of 8 years (16 years together) was having an over 1.5 year affair -- affair ended -- but now he says he doesnt know what he wants - I am doing everything to keep our marriage together -- and after 5 months he says he still doesnt know what he wants -- I am devastated -- how do I let go and get strong enough to tell him to **** or get off the pot?


So sorry you are here. The death of a marriage is only second [in pain] to the death of a loved one.

He has already defecated. But the larger waste product remains on the pot.

Yes, he is still on the porcelain throne. *Figuratively* thump him on the head and flush the whole turd down the drain...he will be properly processed by life's Waste Water Plant.

Shame on him....shame him to his family and friends...do the 180 plan.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

lostchica said:


> help -- I found out that my husband of 8 years (16 years together) was having an over 1.5 year affair -- affair ended -- but now he says he doesnt know what he wants - I am doing everything to keep our marriage together -- and after 5 months he says he still doesnt know what he wants -- I am devastated -- how do I let go and get strong enough to tell him to **** or get off the pot?




It's not your job to fix this. 
You're not going to fix things by letting him make these decisions for you. If I were you, I would tell him to get out. He can come back if he decides he wants to stay. Otherwise he can stay away. His absence will give you time to think. 

Three things you need to do. 

1. Get tested if you haven't. Yes, it's embarrassing but it's not your fault. Need to be able to cross this off your list for your own continued health. 
2. Go to individual counseling. There are a lot of thoughts swimming through your head that are hard to process. It will help you tremendously if you have help in dealing with them. You need this. 

3. Exercise what I know as "heart care." Go take some "you" time. Do things you like to do. It will help. 

I'm sorry you're here. It's hard. I put DW through hell but I'm proud to say I'm not the man I once was. I don't ever want to be that guy again but I had to come to that revelation on my own. Right now you just worry about you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

thebirdman said:


> It's not your job to fix this.
> You're not going to fix things by letting him make these decisions for you. If I were you, I would tell him to get out. He can come back if he decides he wants to stay. Otherwise he can stay away. His absence will give you time to think.
> 
> Three things you need to do.
> ...


This is great advice. Don't worry about him. If anything, keep him at arms length. Tell him how hurt and angry you are. Tell him you are going to take care of yourself and that if he decides he is all in, he better prove it, and prove it quickly. Research the 180. Start following it. 

You can't make him remorseful, or to commit back to the marriage. But you can make sure that you'll be fine even if he doesn't. It will be his loss if he doesn't figure it out. 

Good luck, and so sorry you are here.


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