# 6+ months separated, 12 anniversary approaching just want to forget ...



## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

Please excuse the word salad- overcome with loneliness and anxiety no companionship with another person for over 7 mos now and not sure how much longer I can stand it. We cannot agree on terms for the divorce so filing on pause. Meanwhile packed up the house, selling everything or donating it. still awaiting job transfer for move to Hawaii that should be wrapped up in a month. threw away all items associated with us as a couple. haven't lived as a couple in nearly 8 months since his affair was suspected. I am crazy right now with every fiber of me crying out for affection. People say its wrong for me to want companionship when my divorce isn't final. I don't want to start anything since not ready plus could be leaving the mainland... I am the one punished for being faithful. I know life isn't always fair but this seems so cruel. I just want to affectionately be with someone else on the day the upcoming anniversary to commemorate moving on that date. irrational I know.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I know what you're feeling, many here do.

Just don't make major life decisions now and it's not easy to date, there is rejection and crazy lurking. You may be lucky and find a good man who you enjoy spending time with, but don't go looking for a full relationship.

The pain of rejection is very tough, a relationship won't fix you, just give you some escape from the pain if you are lucky.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Vent away; this is a great place for that and more. I'm sorry you're here in the club none of us want to belong to.

Remember you WILL get through this period. At least you seem to have a plan and are acting upon it; that is much more than many of us can say!

And to me, while it may be unpopular statement here, if the marriage is really truly over I see nothing wrong with a date provided you're crystal clear on situation and expectations... and you must keep your 'spidey-sense' on high, tuned in for the creeps, the predators on the emotionally weak, and/or LOL the plain old "guys" in general who in a similar situation just want to jump in the sack. 

Hang in there, you're gonna be fine.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> I know what you're feeling, many here do.
> 
> Just don't make major life decisions now and it's not easy to date, there is rejection and crazy lurking. You may be lucky and find a good man who you enjoy spending time with, but don't go looking for a full relationship.
> 
> The pain of rejection is very tough, a relationship won't fix you, just give you some escape from the pain if you are lucky.


--------------------------------

I understand the reasoning for not making any major decisions but at the same time I want to ride the wave of momentum lol. I had a lot of inaction for a long time with several decisions just too lazy and indecisive. Then this situation occurred and catapulted me in looking at everything under the lens of being my own person, not his fault but mine for relinquishing that in the 14+ years we have been together. People, situations and goals change in that amount of time so making the necessary adjustment so to speak.

I have dabbled into online dating and do not like it. I was told its because I put casual instead of serious relationship but what else can I put without being misleading? People see it and contact me I guess thinking I just want sex. Also there is a disposability factor in peoples dealings with this type of interaction the warehousing and cataloging of people, I digress


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

2xloser said:


> Vent away; this is a great place for that and more. I'm sorry you're here in the club none of us want to belong to.
> 
> Remember you WILL get through this period. At least you seem to have a plan and are acting upon it; that is much more than many of us can say!
> 
> ...


-------------------------------

Its definitely over and probably was long before ever cheated but I didn't have the courage to do anything there was no reason to end what I considered to be decent a partnership even though there were problems and unhappiness because whose really happy all the time lol. 

My main problem is the spidey sensor needs serious recalibration lol. I have ever seriously dated since married young and am at a huge disadvantage there. I'm actually very open to sex once i got to know someone and parameters were understood by all but it seems like there is no middle ground on one night stand to serious relationship, at least when its male to female in what I'm getting once talking to guys. 

Without explicitly getting into the topic of sex in my talks with a few guys I get the impression they want the woman to be monogamous to them even in a casual situation while he roams free...not that I'm the roaming type but its the principle of the thing of not all eggs in one basket. been there and done that have a houseful of souvenirs lol.

I can tell I'm healing though I have long way to go I can see the progress from my prior thread under CWI which is pretty detailed diary. There are a lot of moving pieces to the puzzle with the big one being if I get the transfer. I thank people for taking time to respond and maybe this can help someone.


12th year anniversary is 8/2, I will have to plan something pretty epic to get over sting of it lol If anyone has any ideas?


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## Matthias (Jul 16, 2014)

I am sort of in the same boat. It's been two months of separation. While you've been married longer, it is still going to hurt in a few months.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

While I think you're right that many (or even most) guys out there do actually want what you've suggested -- a monogomous woman to them, while they sleep around -- I also think there are men who want exactly what you're implying, a "relationship" that can include intimacy and sex, without being exclusive... not being players, not out tramping around, not sleeping with everyone they know, yet open and transparent enough that there might be other dates and "it" could and might happen. I also think it a much more likely scenario to easily get to with someone who's been through a marriage split (or two!), and even more likely with an infidelity victim.

Of course then you'll have to get into some icky realities (protection and birth control, how much can one tolerate, when and how to tell, etc.) but I think that can get worked out. 

Yes, having not been on the dating scene puts us at a disadvantage, but remeber that plenty of us men are in the same situation. And we're potentially expected to know how it all works and lead the way...!

I have not done the online dating thing (yet?), and I'm not sure you'd find that desired scenario by putting it all into some profile or early conversation without coming across wrongly, either too loose, too contemporary, or something else unintended. But I think the relationship situation you're suggesting can definitely happen and even be attractive to many men, you've just got to find them. Plenty of men, especially infidelity victims, are in the same exact boat -- have no intention of settling down again any time soon, even though they are frankly lonely and miss companionship. To me it's less about wanting that relationship and more about how it gets on the conversational table. Difficult for sure.

And if you're moving to Hawaii, that might just need to wait until the move for anything that has a hope to be an ongoing thing...but not for certain!

Good luck!


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

2xloser said:


> While I think you're right that many (or even most) guys out there do actually want what you've suggested -- a monogomous woman to them, while they sleep around -- I also think there are men who want exactly what you're implying, a "relationship" that can include intimacy and sex, without being exclusive... not being players, not out tramping around, not sleeping with everyone they know, yet open and transparent enough that there might be other dates and "it" could and might happen. I also think it a much more likely scenario to easily get to with someone who's been through a marriage split (or two!), and even more likely with an infidelity victim.
> 
> Of course then you'll have to get into some icky realities (protection and birth control, how much can one tolerate, when and how to tell, etc.) but I think that can get worked out.
> 
> ...


-----------------------------


Thanks for the insightful response. My thought was to get my feet wet before the move since I expect the whole rebound thing to be its own issue. I figured let the first and most likely to be epic mistakes be made and left behind on the mainland..lol l However, the first “relationship” after I get there I suspect it might be trickier for me because I will really be lonely with no support thus more vulnerable to want a more stable but still open “relationship”. I am just getting used to the scene and what is even normal dating though its hard to meet people where I am. So many people in my age bracket are now wanting to settle down and have kids and I want the opposite. ai yiyi


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Well you seem to be pretty self aware and have your head squarely on your shoulders, so other than opportunity presenting itself, I don't know what is stopping you.

I can't exactly relate, as for me the significant anniversary dates were the days of the year I absolutely want to be left alone, as I know I won't be very good company anyway. It's the other days I struggle with, lol, but even those are hit and miss... some days I would like to be with someone, and others I am glad as hell I am not, even something just physical I'd pass as I'm still lost in this new world (yes hard to admit, being a guy and all, but true) -- and yeah sometimes I am angry about it.

Absent finding a date for your dreaded anniversary, maybe a girls night out is what's in order for you?


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## FisharnEked (Jul 16, 2014)

arandomlady said:


> overcome with loneliness and anxiety no companionship with another person for over 7 mos now and not sure how much longer I can stand it. I am crazy right now with every fiber of me crying out for affection. People say its wrong for me to want companionship when my divorce isn't final. I am the one punished for being faithful..


I know how you feel as well. But be proud that you are the one doing "the right thing"


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

2xloser said:


> Well you seem to be pretty self aware and have your head squarely on your shoulders, so other than opportunity presenting itself, I don't know what is stopping you.
> 
> I can't exactly relate, as for me the significant anniversary dates were the days of the year I absolutely want to be left alone, as I know I won't be very good company anyway. It's the other days I struggle with, lol, but even those are hit and miss... some days I would like to be with someone, and others I am glad as hell I am not, even something just physical I'd pass as I'm still lost in this new world (yes hard to admit, being a guy and all, but true) -- and yeah sometimes I am angry about it.
> 
> Absent finding a date for your dreaded anniversary, maybe a girls night out is what's in order for you?


------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I could say I didn't want to BE with someone all the time and Especially then and in the beginning it couldn't have been furthest thing from my mind...now....
Actually due to a snafu with my insurance my tubal ligation 
( this was mentioned in prior thread don't want kids making it official) got moved to the week of so even if I wanted to, no hanky panky for me lol. 

As far as "dates" I have a couple of contenders but haven't actually followed through with anything physical. I have crossed the makeout threshold and afraid if I go any further than that all hell might break loose lol. 

For now, its tbd if I will be out with girls or go on a date...


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

arandomlady said:


> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> ...and afraid if I go any further than that all hell might break loose lol.


Awwww like I said, you have your head on straight... if you both have your eyes wide open for what it is (and what it is not), why wouldn't you go ahead and do yourself and some lucky guy a favor and let hell break loose for a night, if it's what you want?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ARL:

Are you and your husband still living separately?

Eta: I had hoped you would have your situation resolved by now.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

2xloser said:


> Awwww like I said, you have your head on straight... if you both have your eyes wide open for what it is (and what it is not), why wouldn't you go ahead and do yourself and some lucky guy a favor and let hell break loose for a night, if it's what you want?


-------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to, believe me, and was very close but choked lol. I want full completion to make up for it buts it complicated...

I got the Hawaii offer and made a counter but for all intents purposes I got it.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> ARL:
> 
> Are you and your husband still living separately?
> 
> Eta: I had hoped you would have your situation resolved by now.


-------------------------
yes, he hasn't been here, stopped paying the bills but haven't filed. I finally got the Hi offer and on my way out.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

I failed to mention today is the day, 12 years, I still cant believe it- gone. I did nothing. I'm still recovering from the tubal ligation and partial Oophorectomy (ovary removal) not as in good condition to be out an about as I hoped. I really wish I was out though, the meds, the procedure , everything just feels a little heavy right now...


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

AWWWW neither GNO nor a date?? That's a bummer... did nothing at all? I remember today was the day you wanted to be out. I'm sorry circumstances didn't allow, but you gt yourself out and celebrate as though it were the "actual date" just as soon as you are capable.

And congrats on Hawaii! Onward and upward to not just greener pastures, but tropically lush pastures surrounded by beaches! I'd venture to say many of us are jealous of this component of your life...! Methinks you are gonna be just fine.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

2xloser said:


> AWWWW neither GNO nor a date?? That's a bummer... did nothing at all? I remember today was the day you wanted to be out. I'm sorry circumstances didn't allow, but you gt yourself out and celebrate as though it were the "actual date" just as soon as you are capable.
> 
> And congrats on Hawaii! Onward and upward to not just greener pastures, but tropically lush pastures surrounded by beaches! I'd venture to say many of us are jealous of this component of your life...! Methinks you are gonna be just fine.


---------------------------

Unfortunately, given my condition, I'm forced to sit still and reflect and I behave responsibly. I much rather drown it in Chambord & Champagne then unleash the sexy...lol perhaps next week... I expect HI will be its own set of challenges but I am ready to look forward not back. I am trying to build up courage and faith that I will ultimately be ok.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You alreafy know this but just making the comment: Obviously be careful on how often and how much 'drowning' with C&C or any other adult beverage you take on. I found it became an easy habit to get into and had to literally stop drinking completely for a while just to get myself back to a level of normalcy...

Anyway, you're going to be just fine. When the time comes, you go on ahead and let that sexy out and even get it raging, being careful in all ways of course -- but don't sulk, martyr yourself, or be afraid to get out there and live... let yourself have some fun. It's actually OK! 

I believe you're doing better than you think, better than you'll allow yourself to believe. You really are gonna be just fine.


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

2xloser said:


> You alreafy know this but just making the comment: Obviously be careful on how often and how much 'drowning' with C&C or any other adult beverage you take on. I found it became an easy habit to get into and had to literally stop drinking completely for a while just to get myself back to a level of normalcy...
> 
> Anyway, you're going to be just fine. When the time comes, you go on ahead and let that sexy out and even get it raging, being careful in all ways of course -- but don't sulk, martyr yourself, or be afraid to get out there and live... let yourself have some fun. It's actually OK!
> 
> ...


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

arandomlady said:


> I have one person in mind though I would like to "be free" with but I'm not quite sure if they are totally game even though they said they are since I'm leaving soon... I feel them distancing all the while the say its ok. I have known this person the longest and feel confortable with them so its seems right but not it they pull back so I'm not forcing it. Jeeze I am going insane here it seems like my libido has increased even more and harder to fight the urge of wanting closeness, intimacy. I have 1 month here then another in another locale before I get settled with the move. how the hell am I going to manage this, I will have to find out...


Yes, don't force it. I'm guessing you've made it known to this one guy that you're available to him, if he said he is game. But maybe he's not feeling right about it, given the move so allow him to make his own choice too. Maybe he needs to create that distance, first? 

You'll figure it out... enjoy the ride. "It" doesn't have to happen immediately. Just be open to letting it, should the opportunity arise!


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

2xloser said:


> Yes, don't force it. I'm guessing you've made it known to this one guy that you're available to him, if he said he is game. But maybe he's not feeling right about it, given the move so allow him to make his own choice too. Maybe he needs to create that distance, first?
> 
> You'll figure it out... enjoy the ride. "It" doesn't have to happen immediately. Just be open to letting it, should the opportunity arise!


------------------

So "IT" finally happened...safety first of course. It was fun, liberating, and has definitely has primed me for a more meaningful experience as this felt more like stress relief lol. Lucky for me there is no attachment or feelings plus I'm leaving this week. I will say I'm shocked about how easy it was (known the person just under 2 months ) and am surprised at myself considering this is only the 2nd person I ever had sex with... I have began to wonder if I'm a sociopath a little because I feel nothing ... (thank goodness) 

I obviously don't want to make a habit of it but at the same time...I hope I didn't just open Pandora's box -ai yi yi


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nope, not a sociopath, just someone that likes sex. Nothing wrong with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arandomlady (Jan 18, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nope, not a sociopath, just someone that likes sex. Nothing wrong with that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


------------------------------------
Good to know although I never actually considered that could be a possibility of actually liking sex outside of the confines of a committed relationship as its never happened before until now. I'm definitely not ready for anything serious as trying to finalize everything with the divorce, finish training and move to Hawaii. I wont be settled in for another month or so and the days/nights are getting longer and longer lol


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

arandomlady said:


> ------------------
> 
> So "IT" finally happened...safety first of course. It was fun, liberating, and has definitely has primed me for a more meaningful experience as this felt more like stress relief lol. Lucky for me there is no attachment or feelings plus I'm leaving this week. I will say I'm shocked about how easy it was (known the person just under 2 months ) and am surprised at myself considering this is only the 2nd person I ever had sex with... I have began to wonder if I'm a sociopath a little because I feel nothing ... (thank goodness)
> 
> I obviously don't want to make a habit of it but at the same time...I hope I didn't just open Pandora's box -ai yi yi


:smthumbup: YAY!! :smthumbup:

Welcome to the new world now open to you, where it's actually OK to do things that allow you to feel good. Safely and responsibly, of course, and with clarity to both parties -- but you already know that. 

You're on your way to your life activity catching up to your mind. Sociopath? No... Let it feel good, keep yourself in check enough to make smart decisions, and simply let yourself be ok with it!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Congratulations on your new road. You deserve a great life!:smthumbup:


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