# Girlfriend makes a lot less money (shallow?)



## rep

I have been with someone for about 1.5 years. I really do love her to death. We have a few things that are not in-common that bother me but one issue,,Im not sure HOW to feel.
I make about 5-6 times what she makes but I also pay a good bit in child support. I still have a lot more than her but as the relationship continues, I can see money becomming an issue. She is a little old-school and feels its the guys job to pay the mortgage. She says that but I can tell she knows its a thing of the past. If she moved in, Id be so uncomfortable asking for money but its not my fault that she makes less. 
My friends are split down the middle. Money is the 2nd most dangerous disscusion to have, right behind sex,,, at least I think so. Am I shallow or being smartly cautious???


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## CanadianGuy

People are usually old school when it agrees with what they want. You are being smartly cautious. No time like the present to have a good conversation about money. Pre-nup conversation too.


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## EuphoricConfessions

It is better to have dangerous conversations 1.5 years into a relationship, then to wait 5 or more years to have it. After this much time together, you should be able to tell if this is a serious relationship that will last long term. You should be comfortable enough in your relationship to have the hard conversations.

Maybe you could encourage her to to to college and get a degree so she can find a better paying job?


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## Enginerd

You're not shallow. You're smarter then I was because I didn't even consider it. I make 3.5 times what my wife makes and it will always be that way as long as I'm employed. I don't mind taking care of my family, but it gets old being the one carrying the majority of the financial load. I call myself the "paycheck mule". I can never drop the ball, but she can because the impact isn't significant. Fortunately my wife feels bad about it and trys to help in other financial areas like managing our loans, working with insurance companies to pay what they say they cover or changing credit cards to find better rates.

You should have a very long talk about financial expectations and how bank accounts will be structured. You both deserve to know what to expect from each other. If you don't do this your being immature like I was. She might be unrealistic about your wealth and expect more then you can deliver.


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## RandomDude

I don't know, I would be happy just by my wife WORKING at all so...


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## SimplyAmorous

I think it depends purely on the woman... I am old fashioned and a damn good wife... and when it comes to money, I am one careful Mama....Husband has always let me handle every dime.... He tells people I can squeeze a dime out of a nickel... On his meager income, we were debt free before our last child.. without me working any jobs worth anything. And we own land & have 6 kids to boot. Though we don't live 1st class, because we don't care too. 

You are obviously a Modern Man...with modern views....who expects his woman to work and at least meet 3/4 % of your income flow...and to each their own....it's your life & what you want out of a woman after all. 

Just be honest with her in your EXPECTATIONS...if you see her as Less than You, if she seems like an Entitlement Queen... this could surely come to haunt you ! Talk to her about her expectations and your own - in the relationship you envision. Couples need to agree on $$... it's one of the top 3 reasons for Divorce... ($$, Sex & Communication)

I feel the one who earns the $$ has every right to be Lord over how it is spent.... If she is not on the same page as you...going in the same direction....this WILL be a horrendous issue. 

The only point I am making is... just cause someone is not making the big bucks doesn't = they suck with $$. It depends on how they were raised, their beliefs, their goals. My husband was more of a Traditional Man, he preferred me home with our children. And I so appreciated that.


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## Mavash.

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel the one who earns the $$ has every right to be Lord over how it is spent.... If she is not on the same page as you...going in the same direction....this WILL be a horrendous issue.


I'm a homemaker/old school gal too. I agree with this. Its HIS money and HE gets final say so in how its spent. 

My husband doesn't expect me to work EVER and is happy to take care of me but if you don't want to do that then yes you need to speak up now as to what you expect. 

Don't let her move in without coming to an agreement on finances and if that means a prenup then so be it. It's your life, your money and you need to do whatever you think is best.


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## Shoto1984

Agree with the other posters. Money is a "must have" conversation. If she might move in with you then you're moving into "partnership" territory. You can't expect the practical / financial stuff to just work themselves out. You both have to be comfortable about how things are going to work and who is going to do what. Part of the process will be figuring that out for yourself. What do you expect? What is OK? A little compromise might be alright but if either of you have to come too far away from what your original expectation is it will likely be a lingering issue.


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## happysnappy

I worry a lot about this in my relationship. I make about a fifth of what SO does but not because I'm unwilling to make more. I just can't because of kids Childcare location etc. it's definitely something I feel insecure about but nothing I can change at the moment


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You need to clear any issues before furthering your relationship. Otherwise your heading into marriage with resentments. If your not happy with the woman your with for whatever reason, find someone else.

This issue was discussed before hubby and I married. He wanted me home with the children and I wanted to work. I eventually quit my job and I've been retired SAHM for 12 years now. I won't be returning to work. We have a fabulous marriage that is very fulfilling.


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## ScarletBegonias

Money and sex are the two things that absolutely MUST be discussed before the relationship goes any further.You don't want to end up back here with issues bc you neglected to approach delicate topics.
I make more than SO which bothered him at first but he realizes I don't look down on him for not making what I do.It doesn't make me more of a woman or him less of a man.he stays with me all the time but I don't ask him to contribute because I don't need it.He still tries to give me money for things and I accept it so i don't hurt his pride.
But if he ever fully moved in we would have a detailed money conversation before anything went further.


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## ATC529R

I disagree with most here. 

IMO you take the good with the bad.......with money factored into that equation.


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## MaritimeGuy

I think you should clearly establish your expectations about every aspect of life before moving in. Money, sex, cooking, cleaning, etc. Particularly later in life where patterns are more firmly entrenched and people are less likely to change. 

More important than the income situation, is protecting the assets you accumulated prior to getting together. Last thing you want is a few years down the road losing a portion of your assets reducing your ability to support your children. If she truly loves you she's not after your money and will have no problem with a pre-nup.


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## Dad&Hubby

There's being "old fashioned" and there's being lazy and greedy.

My Memere (grandmother) was old fashioned. She worked when money was needed but my Pepere was the bread winner. He handled the money and the bills etc. and they never wanted for anything. She was a SATM and she took care of the house, the kids and my Pepere. 

Money isn't the only contribution into a household. Currently my wife makes twice as much as I do. Additionally, I have child support (that equals our mortgage) so in reality I contribute about 25% of our monthly income BUT it's not an issue of entitlement, it's just the cards we're dealt and my wife and I look at each other as 50/50 partners. There's no "I do this more so I get this advantage" in our marriage. If the roles were reversed, I'd still approach money exactly how I do now.

Then there are the "I'm old fashioned" people who say that because, they're not TRULY old fashioned, they're lazy. Is she going to wake up before you EVERYDAY and have a hot breakfast waiting for you, with your shirts ironed and all the things you need for your day laid out. Is she going to do all of the household chores, make sure your shirts are ironed...just the way you want them, make sure you come home to a hot dinner EVERY night...Because that's the other side of the "old fashioned" coin. 

In true old fashioned-ness (can that be a word LOL). One person earned the income and managed the money while the other person took care of and managed the house.


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## Acoa

Actually I think money is harder to talk about than sex in many social situations. And yes, you need to discuss your feelings with her and plan what your future together will look like.

When my wife and I married many years ago we were both broke and had similar education levels. 

I worked and she raised the kids. I managed to climb the career ladder and we did quite well on my income. She volunteered to keep sharp, mainly at stuff pertaining to the kids, PTA, church, scouts, ect. 

I even paid for her to go back to school and finish her masters degree. 

She still has the professional volunteer mentality, but her pursuits are now aligning to her own interests. So, we are working on her getting a JOB to make more money so we don't have to rely on my income. Which was our plan from early in our marriage. 

Not that I plan to quit my job. But working becomes much less stressful when you don't have to worry about next weeks paycheck.


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## COGypsy

I think it depends far more on the expectations than the dollars. From what you mentioned, it sounds as though she may expect that your paycheck is to support the family and hers is for her to play with. That's a problem.

Otherwise it's a matter of how the two of you prioritize things. Her earning less may not be a problem if the expectation is that her primary role is to have/care for kids and take care of the house. It becomes a problem if the expectation is that you'll be equal or comparable finanical contributors with the kid and house stuff allocated differently. 

Relative age and career stage make a difference too. My ex made more or less the same amount the whole time we were together. When we got together, I made probably a bit more than half of what he did. By the time we divorced, I made more than he did. That's what 10 years will do, I suppose.

I think there are really too many variables for it to be a black and white answer across the board.


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## ChiGirl

I'm a woman.

In the last 10 years I have made more (sometimes as much as 6x more) than every boyfriend I had. It bothered me sometimes when I saw that that person didn't have any motivation to do anything with their life.. they just drifted. If I had a boyfriend that did what he loved and made less, it was never an issue.

My STBX made 20% less than I did, and after saving for 3 years we decided I would take some time off. Mind you, all the money was saved from my paychecks. He wanted me to quit because I worked far away and had an illness, and he felt like it was destroying our relationship (it wasn't)
After I quit we have had a ton of arguments about money, mostly HIM spending it... while I can't buy anything without his approval.

I am now looking for a job and new husband 

So this is really your issue.. why do you feel this way about her and her money? Is she bouncing around from job to job? Is she careless at work.. is she not motivated?

I have found that it's not the money, but the attitude of the partner that is usually the issue.


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## Anubis

Rep,
This is a HUGE issues that you must have settled to your satisfaction before moving in together in order to avoid to serious stress in the future.

What's interesting here is that this is a second marriage for you and you already have kids. Something that is hugely important, and relevant to all the advice here: What does your and her future look like regarding kids (and her past/status)?

Assuming a relationship is going to go the distance, there are two (three) major paths you can go down:

1) You both have kids from prior relationships and/or are done with having kids. No Kids.

1a) A possible path - You both will work full-time more or less until retirement age.

1b) Another possible path - Only one of you will work full-time, while the other is part time or non-working, until retirement age. 

2) The new kid path - You or Her wants to have kids/more kids. This means someone is going to be the primary care-taker, and very likely (she, most probably) will not work full time or at all, for an extended period of time.

3) The really not-likely path - you or her are independently wealthy enough to never have to work again.


In all these cases, it is assumed that you will do your best to raise the existing kids and get them launched into the world eventually.

Which one of the above paths are you looking at going down?

You need to know, and you need to set financial boundaries in your relationship (just like people do for dealing with opposite sex friends, etc).

I can tell you right now that a lot of women, especially ones with 'old-school' tenancies, or that have never found / pursued a career that engages them, upon seeing the income differential you have, are looking hard at path 1b or 2, yet might tell you they're going to do path 1a (especially if they're not looking to have more kids), until after the Marriage contract is signed. At that point, they will then 'change their minds', either overtly or passively.

A lot of women see it as their right to "retire" in marriage and enjoy a life of leisure once the kids are out of the house. They see it as your job to take to provide enough for the lifestyle they wish to become accustom to - the details of how are your, not their problem. I know some women don't see it the way, but some do. And of those that do, they're not going to show it to you full on, until after they're married, because that's how they see themselves securing their future. My ex-wife was one of these. I lost count of how many times she screamed at me "Ten Thousand dollars is *NOTHING*, we should be able to buy (fill in the blank)". Now remarried after the alimony ran out, and trying to find a job, Karma is brutal. :rofl:

And because you have kids and child support... it's a double-stressor. If you're the one paying for everything, it could easily become a situation where she every dollar you spend on them as a dollar taken away from her. And a dollar saved for their college funds? Does that mean she's thinks she's being denied that trip to Italy she's always dreamed of??. And if she had kids from a prior also, and she's not contributing, then she could often be mama bear and want to spend your money to do things for hers kids as a priority over your kids or spending/saving on something for your joint future. If not understood upfront, that could be a huge flashpoint.

I'm not saying don't get involved with her... but damn, if it's going to go the distance, you .. and her... have got to have a real clear understanding of what you are getting yourselves into, and a meeting of the minds on priorities, responsibilities, and the future paths you are going to go down (together).

Before meeting my fiance, I did some post divorce dating (it was glorious :smthumbup . I was making pretty good money then, nearly 200k (while sending 50K+ to my ex & kids). I met plenty of nice ladies while dating, and while I went out of my way to not mention specifics about how I was doing economically, they could often sniff it out (things like the the $70k car, the week-long trips to Maui, Cabo, the Caribbean, etc kinda implied enough), and with more than one I clearly saw or got them to acknowledge that path 1b was looking like a great idea to them. But for me it wasn't. It's not that I had something against supporting someone I really loved through thick and thin, but two things kept coming up - 1) with no new kids, the lifestyle imbalance was going to have less rewards and greater risks, and 2) I couldn't tell if they were 'in to me' for me as reason #1 and not because they wanted security and comfort and saw me as the meal ticket. 

My fiance is a bit different, she's a has advanced degree and a successful career of her own that's taking off, and could support herself fine if I'm hit by bus tomorrow. She also is a non-custodial parent (only happens 4% of the time) with kids the same age as mine. We're going at this very much in as a partnership in parallel, to the point of having a prenup that clarifies a lot of important things (Like kids college savings, inheritances, etc) and minimizes possible conflict points. This is a significant part of our compatibility and defiantly contributes to both our happiness's.


It may sound like I'm complaining about women here, but I'm not. What I'm point out is an important gender difference. In our society, men are defined by their work and expected to work and provide their entire lives. That's it. We're raised from birth with this expectation of our destiny. We have words for men who don't follow this: "Bums" "Deadbeats" "Losers". Girls, on the the other hand, get to choose. Motherhood, or just housewife is a totally acceptable path in life, in addition to now having every 'economic opportunity' that men have to have a career and make money and support themselves. We don't have similar words for women who choose to never support themselves (unless they get too smug I suppose). 

I'm not saying one side has it better or not, but it is something to recognize that your partner's expectations for their life may be very different than their expectations for yours, and it needs to be clearly understood. I suppose it can't hurt to point out that our Family Law system and Courts are way behind the times, and can choose to reward a spouse who *chooses* not to work or contribute with even more of the other spouse's hard earned resources, even if that person took a c**p all over the marriage by cheating, etc. Just all the more reason to not enter into the contract lightly.


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## Toshiba2020

Money is often over rated. When my wife and i first got married we decided being finacially well off was the most important thing, looking back on it now its really not and i wish she never would have bothered going to Grad school it was a waste as she doesnt like her career and would rather be a stay at home mom and honestly thats fine by me, nothings worse than a 9+ hr work day that sucks only to come home and have your spouse be just as exhausted and the dishes arent done, laundry is piled up, etc...Im not saying one spouse has to be a servant to the other, i just know there are plenty of times were we had tons of money in the bank account but no time or energy to spend it lol


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## norajane

rep said:


> She is a little old-school and feels its the guys job to pay the mortgage. She says that but I can tell she knows its a thing of the past. If she moved in, Id be so uncomfortable asking for money but its not my fault that she makes less.


You can be sure she won't _offer _you any money if she moves in. So if you don't ask, or even if you do, she will expect that you will be responsible for the finances.

Can you live with that? Forever? If not, then yes, your relationship will eventually crash & burn. You have to be on the same page when it comes to money or the relationship won't work.


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## triggerhappy

I'm hoping all responses are welcome and that some don't seem so radical as to warrant a banning, because I know sometimes on these boards, if you're not a robot who agrees with everyone else you're out of here. 


It is my belief that a man shouldn't ask a woman for money, for anything, ever. It just seems wrong. 

Even if she offers, you should never accept and pay the bills, like a man, and allow her to save up her money for whatever she wants. If she absolutely insists, then she should pick out what she is capable of paying and let her handle it each month, but never ASK her for money. 


Is that so insane?


I would like to preface that by saying that not only do I work, I bust my ass at work like a man, and love my job and wouldn't have it any other way. I put half of my money for the down payment of our house, but because my husband didn't ask and didn't expect me to.


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## anotherguy

rep said:


> I have been with someone for about 1.5 years. I really do love her to death. We have a few things that are not in-common that bother me but one issue,,Im not sure HOW to feel.
> I make about 5-6 times what she makes but I also pay a good bit in child support. I still have a lot more than her but as the relationship continues, I can see money becomming an issue. She is a little old-school and feels its the guys job to pay the mortgage. She says that but I can tell she knows its a thing of the past. If she moved in, Id be so uncomfortable asking for money but its not my fault that she makes less.
> My friends are split down the middle. Money is the 2nd most dangerous disscusion to have, right behind sex,,, at least I think so. Am I shallow or being smartly cautious???


Money is the biggest relationship killer out there, thats my view.

Once we got married it all became a non-issue really after several years. Things wound up in the 'general fund' and we dont think much about it. We dont have any fights really about money since we agree on a lot of things.. there is no tab-keeping or who gets what or how much are you spending now. Very lucky.

The thing is - before marriage it makes financial sense to move in and you are still very seperate in many ways. I actually have a hard time remembering if we had a 'you pay this and I pay that' type of arrangement when we were in our first couple of apartments. I think so. We both paid our own car loans for example. 

If you have a house and she is moving in.. thats kinda tricky. You want to make sure both of you feel invested in the relationship... and not just financially. You really need to work it out - and forget the 'traditional' BS. If she is really traditional you wouldnt be moving in together before you got married. You cant have it both ways.

My wife is more 'traditional' too... but she still has her R&D job and very much her own person and very independant. Yeah - I make about 6 times more than she does but she never thinks I am there to 'support her'. We both do our part at bettering ourselves and supporting the family in all ways and not just $. So I dont want to get 'traditional' confused with someone who believes they need to be supported. I dont believe that is always the case. I dont see it as 'asking a woman for money'.. I dont need the money really - but I tell you.. and I am right here... its trickier than you expect and you can ALSO get blowback and resentment and definsiveness if she feels owned.

Bottom line... you should both have a talk and come to some kind of agreement on it and its not like you would be forcing her to pay 'rent'. I think its important for both of you to feel like you are doing your part. Lets say she pitches in $200 bucks a month towards your shared home... whatever. Doesnt matter. The point is that you both talk it through.. it doesnt have to be a big scene.. and you both agree on it. I think if you just wing it you are inviting trouble since lets face it... you guys are not married yet and still on a trial run - even if you dont think of it that way.

If you are further along than that... then have her direct deposit her paycheck into your joint bank account.. see how she likes that. 

Im kidding. It took us years to get to that point. I think at this point we each have a credit card with our own name on it.. everything else is joint.


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## Quantmflux

I agree with the general sentiment that this is very much an "individual comfort level" situation. Personally, my wife and I started out with her making more than I did and helping to motivate me to reach my potential and then quickly flipped to me making more, and then a lot more, then she did/could. At that time I encouraged her to "find herself" and see if she wanted to try something new. She bounced around a bit but stayed at roughly the same income level (probably 60% of what I was making at the time) and that was fine.

After we had the kid she went back for a bit, but I could tell she was miserable and wanted to be a SAHM. I just carefully let her know that whatever she wanted to do was fine with me and she chose the SAHM route which I think is awesome.

I've never thought in terms of "her money" or "my money" at all nor did I expect that she would/should/could make more than me. I really never thought about income in relative terms like that at all.

That's me though. I have plenty of friends where this isnt the case and there is nothing wrong with that as long as both are on the same page (and to be blunt, the one good friend of mine where they *werent* on the same page are now divorced over it - cautionary tale)

You need to have an honest discussion with your views on this. You're not wrong. She's not wrong. But you may be on different pages and I absolutely agree that this is one of those "core issues" that will fester badly if you are coming at it from two incompatible viewpoints.


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## mildlyperplexed

I don't earn a lot so I don't spend a lot. Almost all the expensive/superfluous things I have are gifts from hubby so I have a 'functional' wardrobe but all the gadgets, games and toys a girl could ever wish for. 

It can work but if you feel she is taking advantage have a word with her about it before it gets to be a problem.


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## Dreald

ChiGirl said:


> I have found that it's not the money, but the attitude of the partner that is usually the issue.


THIS!!!!!

I found out too late that my ex-wife wanted to be wine'd, dine'd and catered to like the spoiled little princess she thinks she is. 

Nothing was ever good enough. She was ALWAYS comparing us versus her friends -- who had the nicer, car, bigger house, more expensive ring. Didn't show any of that while we were dating, but nonetheless it came up shortly after we married. She even had the audacity to say that we needed to upgrade her 2.25ct center diamond to a 3-3.5 ct one for our 5 year anniversary! And for our 1 year anniversary, diamond earrings were expected.

Yeah....we lasted a little over a year together. Funny how I thought a 4th grade teacher wouldn't be materialistic, but boy was I wrong!


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## ScarletBegonias

triggerhappy said:


> Even if she offers, you should never accept and pay the bills, like a man, and allow her to save up her money for whatever she wants.


But what about what he wants?While he's paying the bills she isn't ponying up her share from her job bc she's saving for "whatever she wants" what happens to what he wants?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying...


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## triggerhappy

ScarletBegonias said:


> But what about what he wants?While he's paying the bills she isn't ponying up her share from her job bc she's saving for "whatever she wants" what happens to what he wants?
> 
> Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying...


Everyone has to make sacrifices. I'm sure she's sacrificing the fact that she's not married to someone rich who wouldn't ask her to pay "her equal share". 


What of he wasn't in a relationship with her? he wouldn't be able to afford his own mortgage and bills? he still has to pay them. That's what I don't get when men complain about this. Are you in a relationship to help pay the bills you can't afford, or are you in a relationship because you love someone?


I'm way old-fashioned. So my views are different when it comes to finances and going Dutch.


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## ScarletBegonias

triggerhappy said:


> Everyone has to make sacrifices. I'm sure she's sacrificing the fact that she's not married to someone rich who wouldn't ask her to pay "her equal share".
> 
> 
> What of he wasn't in a relationship with her? he wouldn't be able to afford his own mortgage and bills? he still has to pay them. That's what I don't get when men complain about this. Are you in a relationship to help pay the bills you can't afford, or are you in a relationship because you love someone?
> 
> 
> I'm way old-fashioned. So my views are different when it comes to finances and going Dutch.


Not arguing with you or anything,so hopefully you don't take my comments that way.

I was asking because I've never really heard any woman I've known come out and say these things. 

I just always thought one of the benefits of being in a relationship was to help each other out financially so both people can have things they want instead of being solo and strapped.Unless the woman is contributing in other ways such as being a SAHM or caretaker of an elderly relative,she should be pulling her weight financially as part of the couple.If she was single she'd have to pull her full weight,so being with him gives her a break just as much as it should give him a break.

I'm not old fashioned so while I'm trying to wrap my mind around your view I think it's a mostly unsuccessful attempt.


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## norajane

triggerhappy said:


> *It is my belief that a man shouldn't ask a woman for money, for anything, ever. It just seems wrong. *
> 
> Even if she offers, you should never accept and pay the bills, like a man, and allow her to save up her money for whatever she wants. If she absolutely insists, then she should pick out what she is capable of paying and let her handle it each month, but never ASK her for money.
> 
> 
> Is that so insane?
> 
> 
> I would like to preface that by saying that not only do I work, I bust my ass at work like a man, and love my job and wouldn't have it any other way. I put half of my money for the down payment of our house, but because my husband didn't ask and didn't expect me to.


I don't understand WHY you feel this way? Why should you be fully supported by a man unless you want to contribute (and then he's supposed to say no)? 

Why should a woman never pay for anything for "us" and instead keep her money for what she wants only.

That sounds like you think women are entitled to be fully supported by men. Why?


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## norajane

triggerhappy said:


> Everyone has to make sacrifices. I'm sure she's sacrificing the fact that she's not married to someone rich who wouldn't ask her to pay "her equal share".


So you see it as a sacrifice to marry a man you *love *even if he isn't rich enough to fully support 2 people? 



> What of he wasn't in a relationship with her? he wouldn't be able to afford his own mortgage and bills? he still has to pay them. That's what I don't get when men complain about this. *Are you in a relationship to help pay the bills you can't afford, or are you in a relationship because you love someone?*


I would turn that around and ask a woman - are you in a relationship to help pay all your bills, even though you can afford it, or because you love someone?

I honestly can't wrap my mind around this view.


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## ScarletBegonias

norajane said:


> I honestly can't wrap my mind around this view.


I am struggling with it too,obviously 

you raise some great questions.I'm interested to see the reply.


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## Anubis

ChiGirl said:


> I have found that it's not the money, but the attitude of the partner that is usually the issue.





Dreald said:


> THIS!!!!!
> 
> I found out too late that my ex-wife wanted to be wine'd, dine'd and catered to like the spoiled little princess she thinks she is.
> 
> Nothing was ever good enough. She was ALWAYS comparing us versus her friends -- who had the nicer, car, bigger house, more expensive ring. Didn't show any of that while we were dating, but nonetheless it came up shortly after we married. She even had the audacity to say that we needed to upgrade her 2.25ct center diamond to a 3-3.5 ct one for our 5 year anniversary! And for our 1 year anniversary, diamond earrings were expected.
> 
> Yeah....we lasted a little over a year together. Funny how I thought a 4th grade teacher wouldn't be materialistic, but boy was I wrong!


:iagree:

Your partners attitude about money is going to have a huge bearing on the rest of your live together. It could range from feeling like you always have a partner to always feeling taken for granted... and not just feelings, but the actual interactions you'll have and the situations you'll be in.

I can not recommend that anyone get married to someone who has not had to live on their own and work to provide for themselves. For the simple reason that a person who has always been supported by someone else will not have much.. if any.. basis for appreciation for what it takes for a person to work to support (and what it's like to be that person) not just their partner, but usually a growing family. If someone has spent their entire life having whatever they want (and need) just given to them without having to earn it, they'll take it for granted that it should always be that way and fail to value the effort and sacrifice it took to provide all that. From there it goes to failing to value the provider, and the belief that they are entitled to more/better/whatever without having to contribute. And even if the other aspects of the marriage are great, this is often enough to be very fatal to the relationship.


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## 33N 96W

*rep*

If 
your girlfriend (medically) could not have sex for the next 12 months 
and 
she chose not move in with you
what direction would your relationship take?

Should you an your significant other go separate ways , suggest you get a completed salary survey of all future dates .


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## Drover

What exactly ARE your expectations? She's not going to magically start making more money. I'm not really sure, other than a pre-nup if you get married, how you expect to resolve this? Asking for money she doesn't make won't solve anything.


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## Tigger

I think you have to look at her attitudes and past about money.

Has she been a princess with daddy giving her everything?

Has she lived on her own for awhile and paid her own way?

What is her language of love? Google search and you both do the little test.

I would really investigate her history in this area before discussing as that will tell you a lot.


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## Wiltshireman

IMHO who earns the money does not matter only that there is enough to support the family. There are otherways to contribute than purley money.
As long as you are both happy that you are both pulling your weight then all should be fine.

In my case I earn 4 times what my wife does but then she works part time from home an does the majority of the childcare / household chores. I pay the mortgage and the household bills, we both put money into the holiday / rainy day account.


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## SimplyAmorous

Anubis said:


> I can not recommend that anyone get married t*o someone who has not had to live on their own and work to provide for themselves. For the simple reason that a person who has always been supported by someone else will not have much.. if any.. basis for appreciation for what it takes for a person to work to support (and what it's like to be that person) not just their partner, but usually a growing family*. If someone has spent their entire life having whatever they want (and need) just given to them without having to earn it, they'll take it for granted that it should always be that way and fail to value the effort and sacrifice it took to provide all that. From there it goes to failing to value the provider, and the belief that they are entitled to more/better/whatever without having to contribute. And even if the other aspects of the marriage are great, this is often enough to be very fatal to the relationship.


 I just want to say - that what you say HERE stomps on women like myself... I never lived on my own... maybe for 3 months in an apartment with a couple girls, then I was living in a camper in someone's back yard for a summer... Things were rough on me in my teen years....I was so far from being spoiled...well... my husband found it bordering abusive.... I didn't always have lunch $$ for school... My step Mom would put signs on the Fridge not to touch certain foods. When he met me, he took me shopping -just wanting to bless me with nicer clothes, I didn't have alot. 

I was NEVER someone who took anything for granted... and I saved every dime I got my hands on.. I worked since I was 16, bought my own car...had full time jobs since out of school, even a couple jobs at a time... up until a month before I delivered our 1st son...... I was damn good with $$... but still.. I did NOT live on my own... 

I managed every dime my husband made after I quit working... he always felt I was tighter than he was... I never jumped to buy anything...If you heard our income & what we have accomplished on it -with as many kids as we have, you wouldn't believe it was even possible. I know people who make 3 times more than us... less kids and own far less... plus they are in debt... we're not. We slashed our 14 yr mortgage - paid it off in 7 yrs. 

And HE was the type that would NOT ask a woman for anything... even though I felt he was too good to me..in the beginning, I never abused that. I was very thankful though.

Please do not paint all women like this with the same brush... maybe my difficult upbringing made me NOT one to feel entitled... this I will not deny.


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## ScarletBegonias

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just want to say - that what you say HERE stomps on women like myself... I never lived on my own... maybe for 3 months in an apartment with a couple girls, then I was living in a camper in someone's back yard for a summer... Things were rough on me in my teen years....I was so far from being spoiled...well... my husband found it bordering abusive.... I didn't always have lunch $$ for school... My step Mom would put signs on the Fridge not to touch certain foods. When he met me, he took me shopping -just wanting to bless me with nicer clothes, I didn't have alot.
> 
> I was NEVER someone who took anything for granted... and I saved every dime I got my hands on.. I worked since I was 16, bought my own car...had full time jobs since out of school, even a couple jobs at a time... up until a month before I delivered our 1st son...... I was damn good with $$... but still.. I did NOT live on my own...
> 
> I managed every dime my husband made after I quit working... he always felt I was tighter than he was... I never jumped to buy anything...If you heard our income & what we have accomplished on it -with as many kids as we have, you wouldn't believe it was even possible. I know people who make 3 times more than us... less kids and own far less... plus they are in debt... we're not. We slashed our 14 yr mortgage - paid it off in 7 yrs.
> 
> And HE was the type that would NOT ask a woman for anything... even though I felt he was too good to me..in the beginning, I never abused that. I was very thankful though.
> 
> Please do not paint all women like this with the same brush... maybe my difficult upbringing made me NOT one to feel entitled... this I will not deny.


You're an exceptional woman,SA.Definitely different from most others who never lived on their own.I can understand how you'd be indignant about the generalization.


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## SimplyAmorous

ScarletBegonias said:


> You're an exceptional woman,SA.Definitely different from most others who never lived on their own.I can understand how you'd be indignant about the generalization.


 I would agree that statistically....these generalizations have merit of course...but as so often we learn by meeting a variety of people ..... Not everything in life is so black & white....so we should try to be OPEN... 

Judge not on what someone makes.... but How they Live & Manage it. 

Example - housekeeping... ever notice how some are naturally "messys" & others seem like Clean Freaks....in this same way, I feel people gravitate to being "savers" (having debt feels like a noose around their neck)...or more Frivolous, buying on credit is Good ~ that's the American way!! How one treats their "stuff" may even give a clue to which mindset they hold. 

In my family....on both sides of the aisle...none of them lived high on the Hog... but they had it in the Bank! They were able to buy what they wanted when they wanted it -this gave them peace. So I guess I got a double dose in my genes... 

Our upbringing (if we were pampered like a Princess or learned the value of a $$)...and our Expectations (are they realistic) play a *H*UGE part in these things.








Scarlet B .


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## mildlyperplexed

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just want to say - that what you say HERE stomps on women like myself... I never lived on my own... maybe for 3 months in an apartment with a couple girls, then I was living in a camper in someone's back yard for a summer... Things were rough on me in my teen years....I was so far from being spoiled...well... my husband found it bordering abusive.... I didn't always have lunch $$ for school... My step Mom would put signs on the Fridge not to touch certain foods. When he met me, he took me shopping -just wanting to bless me with nicer clothes, I didn't have alot.
> 
> I was NEVER someone who took anything for granted... and I saved every dime I got my hands on.. I worked since I was 16, bought my own car...had full time jobs since out of school, even a couple jobs at a time... up until a month before I delivered our 1st son...... I was damn good with $$... but still.. I did NOT live on my own...
> 
> I managed every dime my husband made after I quit working... he always felt I was tighter than he was... I never jumped to buy anything...If you heard our income & what we have accomplished on it -with as many kids as we have, you wouldn't believe it was even possible. I know people who make 3 times more than us... less kids and own far less... plus they are in debt... we're not. We slashed our 14 yr mortgage - paid it off in 7 yrs.
> 
> And HE was the type that would NOT ask a woman for anything... even though I felt he was too good to me..in the beginning, I never abused that. I was very thankful though.
> 
> Please do not paint all women like this with the same brush... maybe my difficult upbringing made me NOT one to feel entitled... this I will not deny.


+1 I'm a 'rescue' too


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## SimplyAmorous

mildlyperplexed said:


> +1 I'm a 'rescue' too


You mean your "White Knight" came on his horse & saved the "Damsel in distress" ? 










One could describe our story something like that... but we didn't marry right out of high school. His dad didn't like me living in a Camper & told me I was moving in with his family. Very loving people. 

Then a few yrs later, much $$ saved ... we got our own place & planned our Big Wedding.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Money in itself does not define a marriage period! I was the sole breadwinner in my first marriage. The tables have completely reversed in my second marriage. Being a SAHM does not make me less of a person.

What works between my husband and I may not work for other couples. I do not have an "allowance". I have free rein on my spending as well as my husband. I never need to ask permission to buy anything and neither does he. However, I am very frugal in my ways. We do just fine on hubby's income. If we did not, I'd be applying for disability.

My husband has no problems at all being the sole breadwinner. It was he that encouraged me to quit college and my job.


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## mildlyperplexed

SimplyAmorous said:


> You mean your "White Knight" came on his horse & saved the "Damsel in distress" ?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> One could describe our story something like that... but we didn't marry right out of high school. His dad didn't like me living in a Camper & told me I was moving in with his family. Very loving people.
> 
> Then a few yrs later, much $$ saved ... we got our own place & planned our Big Wedding.


Just like that! 

No amount of material things are worth feeling like someones 24hour childcare/cleaner/punchbag. My parents had no idea I was dating and for some reason didn't think that my Mums mental behavior was having an effect on me. I'd rightly or wrongly pulled up the emotional drawbridge years before I had the opportunity to physically leave. 

We didn't marry straight away either. I struggle to build close relationships and the idea of being tied down was very unappealing.


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## Tall Average Guy

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Money in itself does not define a marriage period! I was the sole breadwinner in my first marriage. The tables have completely reversed in my second marriage. Being a SAHM does not make me less of a person.
> 
> What works between my husband and I may not work for other couples. I do not have an "allowance". I have free rein on my spending as well as my husband. I never need to ask permission to buy anything and neither does he. However, I am very frugal in my ways. We do just fine on hubby's income. If we did not, I'd be applying for disability.
> 
> My husband has no problems at all being the sole breadwinner. It was he that encouraged me to quit college and my job.


My wife and I are like this because we both have demonstrated that we are partners. She is also a SAHM with free access to all our funds. She also has shown time and time again that she deserves the trust I place in her. She buys things without asking me, but knows when it is something that we as a couple need to talk about. She does not abuse it, and I work hard not to abuse the work she puts in running our household and raising our children.

To me, the key is working together so that you are both pulling in the same direction toward your goals.


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## Tango

For many years of our relationship I was the one who brought in more money and he never let it show that it bothered him. Now that the tables have turned and he is earning almost twice what I earn, I find I am perturbed about this!! If not for the simple reason that I should be almost at the peak in my field. Anyway, I have complete control of the finances and I only ask that he run big ticket items by me to make sure we can stay within our budget. I think you hold talk with your SO an express your thoughts and feelings. Better before than after the I do


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## Broken at 20

What scares me is you said it is difficult to talk about sex or finances in the relationship. 

From the book I love to quote: 1001 Things every teen $hould know before they leave home (or else they'll come back)
497. They should know that if the credit history of the person they're engaged to is shaky, marriage won't make them any more responsible. 
530. They should know most couples would rather stick needles in their eyes than talk about finances and sex. And both need to be talked about. 

And I started a little thread about women who don't like to talk about sex a while back. It is dead, but on the 19th page I think, I made a post. I think you would do well to read it. Might help you out. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/62045-marrying-virgin-vs-experience-19.html


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## boogie110

rep said:


> I have been with someone for about 1.5 years. I really do love her to death. We have a few things that are not in-common that bother me but one issue,,Im not sure HOW to feel.
> I make about 5-6 times what she makes but I also pay a good bit in child support. I still have a lot more than her but as the relationship continues, I can see money becomming an issue. She is a little old-school and feels its the guys job to pay the mortgage. She says that but I can tell she knows its a thing of the past. If she moved in, Id be so uncomfortable asking for money but its not my fault that she makes less.
> My friends are split down the middle. Money is the 2nd most dangerous disscusion to have, right behind sex,,, at least I think so. Am I shallow or being smartly cautious???


This is such an important post to me. It really irks me to no end - so silly that it upsets me.

-You say you really do love her to death. Great!!!
-You make 5 to 6 times more money than her. Awesome!!! 
-So you pay child support....how many kids do you have - not with her? If more than one, hopefully just one mother. Anyway, so does she have any kids? Are you expecting more kids with her or do you expect her not to have kids. So either way, she is taking on a man who has other kids and now will have stepchildren. Stepchildren are difficult to deal with - you have 2 families and holidays and attitude and you are not my mom and you can't say that to my kids, I'm their Dad, blah, blah, blah....
-I hope she does not move in with you. She needs someone with less baggage - less selfish with money. Sounds like you want a roommate. "..it's not my fault she makes less." It's not her fault you have to pay child support and will have to pay for college and what if there is a medical emergency and what about cars and car insurance for the kid/s....
It will be her fault for continuing a relationship with someone like you..."..it's not my fault she makes less.." Second grade much?


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## NextTimeAround

If you two are planning to cohabitate, then you two should talk about money sooner rather than later. Do you own your place that she would move into? Are there laws where you that govern when a cohabitee becomes a joint owner? Learn what they are and work back from that. 

I suppose letting her know upfront what portion of your income is off limits ie, earmarked for child support, so that she can be realistic about what she is getting into.

Good luck. Personally, I have not experienced this myself. But I can see that my future BIL is brilliant at blended families so it can work.


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