# Heading in the same direction?



## JI81 (Jan 18, 2011)

I've spent a long time thinking how to word this post.

I am in my second marriage. My first marriage was very destructive, and my ex wife was physically and mentally abusive. As a result of the divorce, she kept custody of our child. I fought extremely hard to stop this, giving examples of her violence and unsuitability, but to no avail. She moved away and I lost touch with my child. 

Back to the present day, I have been with my wife now for approx six years. We have a son together, and she has two daughters from a previous relationship. One is seven, the other eight. I have been the only father figure they have had for all of their lives.

My reason for writing on here is that I just don't know what to do. About a year ago I was contacted by the social services informing me that my child (from marriage 1) had been taken into care, and would be adopted. I fought very hard to stop this, and as a result the adoption plan has been rescinded. The social services are now looking to my wife and I to care for my child (my child would live with us). Obviously I am over the moon, but my wife has now dug her heels in and refuses to co-operate with the SS. Our relationship has deteriorated dramatically, to the point that I am now sleeping on the sofa!

I have explained to my wife that my child will not take "priority" over our other children. I love my step daughters and our son, and have been there to nurse them better when they are sick, share their joy on Christmas morning, help with homework, parents evenings etc etc. Basically my child will not replace them, and I will not ignore our family. However, she has become unbearable with her attitude. She says that I am too full of stress lately, but refuses to talk through family issues (finances, social services, children amongst other things). I feel so alone, and it is becoming hard to cope with everything.

My wife no longer does any house work. The children have school meals, so she no longer cooks. She has admitted that she feels down and depressed, but refuses to get help. We hardly ever make love, perhaps once every couple of months. I work six days a week, but my hours are not excessive. I am around in the mornings to have breakfast with my family, and I am home in time to help with homeworks and tuck them into bed. I only work Saturday mornings, so the weekends are basically ours.

I knew from the start that my wife has commitment issues, and also trust issues. She had cheated on me before we got married, but we worked through it. I don't want this relationship to end like my last marriage. I don't want to get a divorce. I don't want to become a "Weekend Dad". If we split, I know I will lose contact with my step daughters as they are not my flesh and blood, and I would hardly ever get to see my son. It will break my heart to lose them, and I would not be able to cope with it again.

However, I have been given the opportunity to save my first child from a life of fostering etc. I have the chance to have them come live with me again. My wife must surely understand how much that means to me!? I have never stopped loving my child, and I miss them every day.

Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Is there a way back from this?

Any help or advice would be very much appreciated, as I am struggling to cope with this.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I realize we are only hearing one side of the story, but she sounds unreasonable. You have accepted her two kids as your own and because of unforeseen circumstances she has the ability to accept yours as one of her own, too.

Are there issues with your son? How old is he. Has your wife given you reasons why she would not want him in your family?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Based on your side of the story, no, you're not being unselfish at all - this is your child.

Your wife is not only being unreasonable but extremely selfish. 

What kind of mother is she? IMO, and this is going to be harsh - if she cannot accept YOUR child into the marriage, then what kind of marriage do you have and how can she really love you and ALL your children?

This is absolutely despicable to me, as a mother. If she makes you choose between her and your child, then for me, she loses. Your child is not at fault as to what has happened to him and he deserves the love and care of his father...end of story.

I hope you do the right thing by him and do not let her insecure, selfishness force your child into foster care. The fact that she has taken this stance has me flabbergasted, seriously.

Apparently SHE doesn't understand how much your son means to you or she wouldn't take this stance. Sounds to me like she doesn't want the idea of "her perfect world" disturbed and your child would upset the apple cart.

So what - get your son and let the chips fall where they may - do you really want to stay with a woman who would deny your child and let him be put in the foster care system - what does this say about the type of person she really is - seems her true colors are showing...


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

After the previous two posts, not much else to say. Just here to agree with them. It seems selfish from her side.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

In life, you should never back down when you are doing the right thing. Taking care of your own child is the right thing. Live by your values. Make sure your wife understands that it is your fundamental value in life to take care of all your children. If she does not respect that, then that's on her and you would be causing a disaster in multiple people's lives if you are going to change what you believe in in order to keep your wife from being depressed.


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## JI81 (Jan 18, 2011)

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I am relieved that I am not over reacting to my wife's position on this. I would like to clarify that I have a son with my current wife (and two step daughters), and I had a daughter with my first wife. It is my daughter that is in the hands of social services at the moment.

I have been shocked by my wife's reaction to this. She says I am too stressed about the situation (I am sure she would be too if the roles were reversed, so to speak), yet I am unable to talk to her about it. Having people to talk to on this site really helps. Advice is always good and well intentioned.

Thanks again to everyone. I will keep you all informed about my daughter.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hicks said:


> In life, you should never back down when you are doing the right thing. Taking care of your own child is the right thing. Live by your values. Make sure your wife understands that it is your fundamental value in life to take care of all your children. If she does not respect that, then that's on her and you would be causing a disaster in multiple people's lives if you are going to change what you believe in in order to keep your wife from being depressed.


AMEN :iagree::iagree: You sound like a good man who is being beaten & rediculed for doing what is right for his own flesh & blood. Do EVERYTHING you can to rescue your child from Foster Care. Make a difference in her world, she will never get these years back again. You may have regrets in the past about not being there, but NOW is your time. Redeem. 

Your wife does not sound like a Giving woman in any way, not even doing her work at home, she appears to not be appreciating your Love, $$ & care for HER children -if she so much as expects you to walk away from your own when she is in the MOST need right now. 

Follow your heart . I have this saying on my living room wall. 

One Hundred Years from now 
It will not matter 
what kind of car I drove, 
What kind of house I lived in, 
how much money was in my bank account 
nor what my clothes looked like. 
But the world may be a better place because 
I was important in the life of a child.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Your daughter will never forgive you if you abandon her to foster care. She WILL find out.

You can "keep the peace" by surrendering to your wife. "Surrender" is always an option.

But, how will you look at yourself in the mirror in years to come?

And, how will you ever be able to look at your daughter again?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

There is only one answer.

Continue to to what you need to do to keep your child from being adopted.

Your woman, she is feeling many things.

But her feelings on this one, they must take the backseat, regardless of the consequences.

You are doing the right thing 100 percent.

I wish you well.


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