# Pushed my wife too far.....



## ashamedhusband (Aug 10, 2011)

I am new to this so please forgive me if I am long winded as i am ashamed of myself and need to get it off of my chest. My wife and I have been fighting for several months for 4 main reasons. My wife is 32 and I am 42 and we have been married for 11 years. 

The first issue we had was a female friend of my. This female was an elementary school and we grew up together and been in contact through several bad experiences including both of our first divorces. Approximately 5 years ago we met for drinks around the corner from my house. Everything was innocent as we haven't talk in moths. Nothing has ever happened between us and never however my wife always felt insecure to this woman. Unknown why because my wife is far more beautiful. Anyway during a bad time in this females life she left her job and used me as a reference. After she was able to secure a new job i sent her flowers. as my wife didn't like her I never told her. She found a receipt in my wallet which said "congrats with the new job love, Tom".

Well she flipped! After months of arguments and having proved I have always been faithful, I terminated my friendship with me female friend just to prove to my wife how much I cared. One of the reason why she new i was faithful was I was cheated on when I was married at age 24. It hurt and I never wanted to do that. 

The second issue : Three years ago, my wife's sister had an affair and left her husband. I flipped not because that I liked her husband but for what she did. I resented her for years which caused stress on the family as I did not make her feel welcome here. This past May, I publicly apologized to her for being stubborn and taking out my anger and insecurities on her. 

Third issue: Last year after ten years of marriage I tried to spice up of sex life as I was insecure about myself and our age difference. My wife was ten years younger and I wanted to keep her thrilled with me. We started playing fantasy games in bed and watching porn. its morphed into telling each other fantasies ....threesomes and foursomes type of thing. We even joined a website and chatted with other people. We basically just wanted to be watched and to watch other but said if it advanced further and anyone of us was uncomfortable we stopped. We meeting another couple for drinks we planned on a second meeting "just as friends" however after several phone calls between the other half and my wife, I felt uneasy and put an end to it. We never did anything. Several months had passed and after awhile she said she never wanted a forsome and we spoke about a threesome with another woman. For months we played a game in bed and it really made her wet at times. we even joked which one of her friends we would have done it with. Well I let it go to far as I kept asking and pushing her to find someone. "Give and inch and take a foot" We One night during sex she kept saying about me having sex with another female and I started thinking this isnt what i wanted it was her having sex if what I wanted . Well now she is saying she only said those things just because she new i wanted to hear them and I made her feel cheap.

Finally: march she got implants. Although she looks great, I did not think she needed them. After coming around to the idea we agreed on a look and size. Well she changed her mind and took the advice of a nurse at the last second and went bigger I was hurt she took the advice of a stranger over what we agreed. For months I had problems with the way she seemed to "assentuate that area drawing attention" I only asked her to keep it between us and never tell anyone about the procedure just because of the stigma it went with it. I also have to admit I was jealous of the attention she has been getting both before and after the procedure. I feel like a heel because she loves them and my insecurities about her new boobs didn't let her enjoy the experience.

Now we had a huge fight and all four of these issues area coming out....I feel so bad as I felt like I am a bad husband. I have apolgized hundreds of times and vowd to never bring up the fantasy idea again as I now know it made her feel cheap. I am in pain. For the past momnth every night I try talking to her about my insecurities and what I have done wrong and I am a mess. I dont want to lose her and the kids. I have made her feel cheap and controlled basically accusing her of an affair because of my insecurity.

This Thursday I am going to a marriage counselor to help get some tools to make me a better husband. however for the past three night, I have been on th ecouch as she has had enoungh of me and my begging for an apology and forgiveness. The kids see what a mess I have been and they are scared out family will split basically because I am afraid she will kick me out.

Yesd there are things she does that make me feel insecure and iratate me but I am taking responsibility for my actions. My question is: Is it too late to save my marriage....she is so mad and tell me she loves me and cares about me but she is not in love and has no affection for me....

Ashamed husband....


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

No reason to be ashamed of anything, just let go, you are in love with your wife and want to treat her right so just do it. Actions speak louder than words my friend, go do something nice for her right now. Tell her you want her and how wonderful she is and speak her love language.

Don't let her see your shame, let her see your love. Stop apologizing. The past is the past and you both seem to have been transparent with each other, if you made mistakes you atleast did them together. You've already ended contact with your old female friend, your SIL is family and family forgives, every couple finds ways to try spicing things up in the bedroom so have no regrets live and learn, your wife got bigger implants because thats what she wanted not because of her friends advice.

You are in a really good spot to fix your marriage, if you need help overcoming your insecurities seek individual counseling, if you and your W both think there is a breakdown in communication then go to a MC together. If you need motivation read over some of the sob stories on this site, and realize that if you can find your confidence and self esteem your W will always find you attractive. Best wishes!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

ashamedhusband said:


> I am new to this so please forgive me if I am long winded as i am ashamed of myself and need to get it off of my chest. My wife and I have been fighting for several months for 4 main reasons. My wife is 32 and I am 42 and we have been married for 11 years.
> 
> The first issue we had was a female friend of my. This female was an elementary school and we grew up together and been in contact through several bad experiences including both of our first divorces. Approximately 5 years ago we met for drinks around the corner from my house. Everything was innocent as we haven't talk in moths. Nothing has ever happened between us and never however my wife always felt insecure to this woman. Unknown why because my wife is far more beautiful. Anyway during a bad time in this females life she left her job and used me as a reference. After she was able to secure a new job i sent her flowers. as my wife didn't like her I never told her. She found a receipt in my wallet which said "congrats with the new job love, Tom".
> 
> Well she flipped! After months of arguments and having proved I have always been faithful, I terminated my friendship with me female friend just to prove to my wife how much I cared. One of the reason why she new i was faithful was I was cheated on when I was married at age 24. It hurt and I never wanted to do that.


You did the wrong thing here. you put another woman before your wife and you lied by omission. 

I could not forgive secret meetings with another woman or flowers sent. That to me is cheating. 

I think the best thing you can do is not try and justify your behaviour. And if you want your wife to trust you, prove to her you will never do such a thing again.

And don't keep secrets.



> The second issue : Three years ago, my wife's sister had an affair and left her husband. I flipped not because that I liked her husband but for what she did. I resented her for years which caused stress on the family as I did not make her feel welcome here. This past May, I publicly apologized to her for being stubborn and taking out my anger and insecurities on her.


Well it's good that you apologised to the sister. the sister was wrong in what she did, but that had nothing to do with you or your marriage - unless of course the person behaving badly is trying to influence one of you to do the same.



> Third issue: Last year after ten years of marriage I tried to spice up of sex life as I was insecure about myself and our age difference. My wife was ten years younger and I wanted to keep her thrilled with me. We started playing fantasy games in bed and watching porn. its morphed into telling each other fantasies ....threesomes and foursomes type of thing. We even joined a website and chatted with other people. We basically just wanted to be watched and to watch other but said if it advanced further and anyone of us was uncomfortable we stopped. We meeting another couple for drinks we planned on a second meeting "just as friends" however after several phone calls between the other half and my wife, I felt uneasy and put an end to it. We never did anything. Several months had passed and after awhile she said she never wanted a forsome and we spoke about a threesome with another woman. For months we played a game in bed and it really made her wet at times. we even joked which one of her friends we would have done it with. Well I let it go to far as I kept asking and pushing her to find someone. "Give and inch and take a foot" We One night during sex she kept saying about me having sex with another female and I started thinking this isnt what i wanted it was her having sex if what I wanted . Well now she is saying she only said those things just because she new i wanted to hear them and I made her feel cheap.


Lots of women go along with this type of thing, because they think it makes them sexier and more appealing, they think their husbands will be more attracted to them and think they are so cool. But at the end of the day it makes them realize that their husbands have no respect for them and no respect for their marriage. it can also show that you do not desire your wife the most, and women need to feel like their husbands want them more then any other woman.





> Finally: march she got implants. Although she looks great, I did not think she needed them. After coming around to the idea we agreed on a look and size. Well she changed her mind and took the advice of a nurse at the last second and went bigger I was hurt she took the advice of a stranger over what we agreed. For months I had problems with the way she seemed to "assentuate that area drawing attention" I only asked her to keep it between us and never tell anyone about the procedure just because of the stigma it went with it. I also have to admit I was jealous of the attention she has been getting both before and after the procedure. I feel like a heel because she loves them and my insecurities about her new boobs didn't let her enjoy the experience.


I wouldn't be surprised if her feeling insecure wasn't tied into the threesome and foursome stuff. Also if i told my fiance I wanted surgery and he agreed even in a small way, that would feed into my insecurity about my body.


> Now we had a huge fight and all four of these issues area coming out....I feel so bad as I felt like I am a bad husband. I have apolgized hundreds of times and vowd to never bring up the fantasy idea again as I now know it made her feel cheap. I am in pain. For the past momnth every night I try talking to her about my insecurities and what I have done wrong and I am a mess. I dont want to lose her and the kids. I have made her feel cheap and controlled basically accusing her of an affair because of my insecurity.





> This Thursday I am going to a marriage counselor to help get some tools to make me a better husband. however for the past three night, I have been on th ecouch as she has had enoungh of me and my begging for an apology and forgiveness. The kids see what a mess I have been and they are scared out family will split basically because I am afraid she will kick me out.
> 
> Yesd there are things she does that make me feel insecure and iratate me but I am taking responsibility for my actions. My question is: Is it too late to save my marriage....she is so mad and tell me she loves me and cares about me but she is not in love and has no affection for me....
> 
> Ashamed husband....


Good, I think marriage counseling is a very good thing.

It's great that you are taking responsibility for what you have done wrong.

She needs to see you have changed and that you won't repeat the mistakes of the past.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

double post.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Take some Manning Up advice as well, get yourself over to showing the Alpha side of you... begging and pleading is not attractive. Become/show yourself to be the man she wants to be with. 

You've owned it verbally. Now show her every day through actions. No more begging. Tell her, calmly, that you get it and are committed, and then show her.


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## ashamedhusband (Aug 10, 2011)

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I appreciate the comments and the solid advice. 

Does anyone have any suggestions how to communicate with her as she is so pissed right now she doesn't even want to talk. And how do I get back into the bedroom. Its been three days and I am tired of the couch. I want my wife back!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I won't discount your faults and the issues that you mentioned in your post.

But, perhaps as a result of my own extensive experience with infidelity and reading sooooooooo many stories here and elsewhere...

Are you certain your Wife is not involved in an extramarital relationship? I'm afraid this could make a lot of sense. How much research have you done? For peace of mind, you have to rule this out. Don't let yourself rule it out because you want to believe it's not happening.

Much of what you said and many of the faults your jumping to accept responsibilty for in your marriage, trigger de ja vue with me... I spent well over a year and a half accepting all the fault for my marriage problems and being gaslighted... just to find out my Wife had been having an affair across that entire span. Believe me, it was literally unfathomable to me that this was even possible. 
I drove myself absolutely insane trying to fix and mend all the things I was being told were the problems and internalizing incredible doses of guilt for my short comings as a husband... only to find out, i couldn't be fixed because it wasn't "me"... It was "him".

I'm sorry to have to say that to you, and I hope I'm wrong. But...


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ashamedhusband said:


> Thanks to everyone who has replied. I appreciate the comments and the solid advice.
> 
> Does anyone have any suggestions how to communicate with her as she is so pissed right now she doesn't even want to talk. And how do I get back into the bedroom. Its been three days and I am tired of the couch. I want my wife back!


As already stated, stop apologizing. And stop talking about fantasies that include people outside of your marriage. Don't you have any that are just between the 2 of you?

As far as her not even wanting to talk, then just back off from her for a bit. Give her some space to cool off. She will come around. Maybe go to "bed" before her. Go lay down and go to sleep in the bed. See if she joins you there or sleeps on the couch herself. Maybe cook dinner for her, or clean some windows, do something to get your mind off all this. Time and space are great healers.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

southern wife said:


> Time and space are great healers.


Unless there is another person in your marriage that you don't know about... then time and space are great destroyers. 

Please rule this out before you do anything else. I didn't, I spent an incredible amount of time spinning my wheels with all the advice of friends and even marriage counselors about "giving space" and all the things I could work on that she would "come around"... 

I should have been working on identifying infidelity, and removing it.


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## ashamedhusband (Aug 10, 2011)

I have stopped apologizing and all my fantasies are with just me and my wife. 

I do trust my wife! With all of my heart, period. i am giving her time to heal. Last night she came home sick and went right to bed. I checked on her once to see if she needed water and left the room.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ashamedhusband said:


> ...Does anyone have any suggestions how to communicate with her as she is so pissed right now she doesn't even want to talk. And how do I get back into the bedroom. Its been three days and I am tired of the couch. I want my wife back!


My suggestion: man up. Make yourself a delicious breakfast in the morning (and make enough leftover for her too). Do something useful around the home and include something small that you don't usually do (but not too obvious). Put on some music that makes you smile. Hit something (punching bag with your hands, golf ball with a club, nail with a hammer etc). Buy some nice clothes. Don't worry about trying to impress her just do something to improve yourself. you don't have to talk to communicate. Don't try to "get into the bedroom" just do it, its your bed, show her a confident man and let her come to you.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I won't discount your faults and the issues that you mentioned in your post.
> 
> But, perhaps as a result of my own extensive experience with infidelity and reading sooooooooo many stories here and elsewhere...
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Take some Manning Up advice as well, get yourself over to showing the Alpha side of you... begging and pleading is not attractive. Become/show yourself to be the man she wants to be with.
> 
> You've owned it verbally. Now show her every day through actions. No more begging. Tell her, calmly, that you get it and are committed, and then show her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your wife is exhibiting classic symptoms of infidelity. She's even given you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" (ILYBINILWY) speech. You need to investigate so you know what you're dealing with. Check her phone bill. Does she call or text one number repeatedly? Check her email/Facebook account. Any inappropriate messages? If not, then check to see if she's deleting her messages/logs. If that's OK, then she's probably just mad at you.

If it's just you, then you have to man up. You have apologized repeatedly. The only reason to apologize more is if you think your wife has comprehension problems. I'm assuming she doesn't, so she knows you're sorry.

Realize that your wife shares some of the blame here. You may have pushed the fantasy of sharing your bed with other people, but your wife went along. If it was a problem for her, she could have put her foot down and stopped it. Now that she has expressed her desires, you are respecting them and have stopped with the threesome talk. That's all you can do. Stop worrying about that.

As for the boob job, it's done. Yes, she probably should have respected your wishes more, but she did rely on the advice of a health care professional. The main regret with boob jobs is not going bigger. So it wasn't really crazy advice. So you have to get over this spilled milk.

Move back into your bed tonight. If she says she doesn't want you there, tell her that you've spent enough time on the couch and you are now sleeping in your own bed. If she wants to go to the couch, that's up to her.

Also, start changing yourself into someone that your wife will be more attracted to. Start acting more confident and less insecure. Hopefully, that will work.

Good luck.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Your wife is exhibiting classic symptoms of infidelity. She's even given you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" (ILYBINILWY) speech. You need to investigate so you know what you're dealing with. Check her phone bill. Does she call or text one number repeatedly? Check her email/Facebook account. Any inappropriate messages? If not, then check to see if she's deleting her messages/logs. If that's OK, then she's probably just mad at you.
> 
> If it's just you, then you have to man up. You have apologized repeatedly. The only reason to apologize more is if you think your wife has comprehension problems. I'm assuming she doesn't, so she knows you're sorry.
> 
> ...


^this^ :iagree:


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## ashamedhusband (Aug 10, 2011)

thanks for the advice. We had a long talk tonight. At times, I found myself repeatedly apologizing for the past as she keeps bringing it up. I have told her I will change but she feels that its who I am and she is not sure if to believe me. I just found out the person who I had been confiding, mutual friend, has been telling her what I have been saying. 

Unfortunately this has consumed my life for several months and although it has not affected my work, I am sure I could focus more without this crap.

I just wish my wife would tell me that although she is pissed and maybe for awhile she is willing to stand by me through therapy so I can prove myself. But she would even say this.

I guess I get what I deserve. She is a really good person and I have no regrets other than making her feel like second best when my intentions were not too.........


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## ashamedhusband (Aug 10, 2011)

My wife is very angry I asked if I could return to our bedroom. She said sleep where you want. I told her she was adamant about me leaving the bed I want her to tell me also to return. She said no, so back on the couch it is.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dude take your bed back you are being a doormat and she doesn't like that, let her sleep on the couch if she wants, or let her join you in bed. Never let the sun set on your problems, every night you sleep on the couch is making her more and more sure of her decision.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

A - It's my opinion but- if you back off and try to gather your emotions in, I think that you will be far more successful in R with your wife. 

I dont think you will appear to be a doormat by not joining her in the bed for the time being. If you are aggressive about it you will push her further away. 

Now, what you do with your time now is important. You have some excellent advice by some of the posters. Please read it over again. Be patient, that is more likely to meet with success.

You have to find your confidence as a man. You are taking all of the blame but you did not force anything I assume. 

You are both equally responsible for the mess you are in and you both need to support each other and find a new direction for your relationship. 

Stay busy and take your focus off of your wife until she show signs of being ready.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ashamedhusband said:


> My wife is very angry I asked if I could return to our bedroom. She said sleep where you want. I told her she was adamant about me leaving the bed I want her to tell me also to return. She said no, so back on the couch it is.


Weak.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

it's been 6 days since his last post in this thread and I mentally put the over/under for his DDay at 2-4 weeks when I read this...

Figure by the tone of his last few responses he was holding onto denial and rug sweeping pretty agressively... So I have to push it towards the backside of my intial guess... tick, tock... tick, tock...

For the record. I'd love to be wrong.


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## pipe1 (Aug 15, 2011)

This is a ruff time for you right now. You love your W but you have possibly turned her againest you for a time anyway. I do agree you should rule out the A first. 

Go back to your bed, do it tonight man.If your wife wants to sleep on the couch let her,but ask her why?


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