# It is slipping through the cracks...help!



## allowingthecakeeating (Mar 13, 2013)

I have started some other threads in the past but here it is in a nutshell.:
Briefly, about 3 years ago my husband started to become very distant, angrier and short tempered in our marriage. Very polar opposite behavior from the previous 20 years. A year and a half ago we started some marriage counseling. He did not participate very much. However, he had no problem telling me what was wrong with me and I spent a lot of energy changing those issues. I have come to realize that my husband is extremely passive aggressive and it has played a big role in our relationship problems. Last August he moved out and stayed with some family to get a “break” as he called it. In November he decided to get a rental house about 10 minutes from our our home. During our separation my husband has been very involved with the children and shows up for all activities and wants to see them any chance he gets. We have had a “informal” written custodial arrangement. I have been trying many things throughout the last 8 months such as no contact, being the wife he would want me to be (finally started taking ADD medication etc..), allowing him to come and go as he pleases, and ME moving on with participating in lots of activities, having parties, going out to dinner and movies etc. 
He promised in Marriage Counseling in August that he was willing to work on the relationship, but never made much effort after he left. I have tried to get him to go out to lunch and just have fun light conversation etc. One week he seems to want to work on things and is open and then the next he is completely shut off. He likes having family dinners at our home. He tries to come over to “hang” out a lot. (It does not happen often anymore, I have put my foot down.). But, it is apparent that he loves his freedom!! He is still very involved with our church etc...he makes no warm and loving gestures to me anymore. 

I do believe that he has been in an emotional relationship with an ex female boss for over two years. Now he has confirmed that the relationship with his ex-boss has progressed further. He now says it is none of my business. Also she has just divorced her husband.

*The concerns he says that led up to his unhappiness:*
That he and I have always had different outlooks about life. (He can be optimistic and I pessimistic.) 
That we are two different people. I am a go-getter and he is very laid back. 
When we had children I changed. 
I have accused him of inappropriate conversations with his boss. 
He feels he has to ask permission to do activities. 
I do not fight fair and argue often. 
He says he never knows who he will come home too. The stressed wife or happy wife. 
The hectic daily grind of three kids, working and money stress. 
I talk to too many friends about our life. 

His general attitude is that “Everything is always my fault.” He very rarely apologizes and takes responsibility for his actions. 

Last month (after not asking for a couple of months), I asked him to decided what he wanted to do...he choose the option of ending the relationship. I asked him not to end it. That is when he told me he now longer was in love with me. That he did not find my personality attractive anymore. I am really having a VERY hard time. 
However, to date he has not filed and says his has no intension yet, isn't ready to tell the kids, hasn’t moved his things out of the house etc.. He has never used the word divorce. Two weeks ago he started conversations via email about separation of money, bills, taxes and more child visitation. He would like us to be very friendly and “co-parent” our kids together just living apart. Happy happy happy! He can come over for dinner and hang out with the kids all the time etc...He is the poster child for “having his cake...and eating it too!” However, it has been very hard for me until recently to set strong boundaries. 

Last week we had a HUGE fight. The “ex-boss” and young daughter happened to show up at the local mall where my husband and kids were shopping. I was VERY unhappy. I have kept quiet and never approached anyone about their relationship. But, after last weekend I sent her ex-husband a very polite email just asking him to give me a call on a private matter. (We have been introduced a couple of times.) Well my husband went biolistic and screamed at me for an hour on the phone. (very out of character.) Now he wont talk to me and is VERY cold. He says that the ex-husband is mad and the “ex-boss” is furious...I feel that after 2 years I deserve to get some answers about the true nature of their relationship because he will never tell me. I touched a nerve somewhere. 

How can someone change so quickly? It seems that when I gain some ground he wavers and when I waver he comes around....I don’t get it. It is like for months we have played cat and mouse. 

The MC and I still believe that he has feelings for me but is just intent on ending the marriage. He is in this “fog”. When he isn’t looking I see him watch me. 

Some have told me to date, It is really hard for a mother of three to find dates. We live in a small town in PA. His character is not to ever be jealous...and would go out of his way to not be. In the past he thinks it is funny when someone hits on me etc. 

How should I proceed? I love him but know that we have a lot of work to do. 23 years and three children are not something to throw away. 

Thank you !


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