# Help to make an informed decision??



## Zoro (May 11, 2012)

Hi all, first post and looking for some direction here…
Little bit of background info to start off with, I’m 36 and my wife is 32, we have been married for 5 years and together for 11 years and have a 4.5 year old daughter who is the apple of my eye. We have a house together as well as the 2 cars and motorbikes.

18 months ago my wife told me that she doesn’t feel the same way about me that she used to. We used to do everything together, cooking, going out, visiting friends and motorbike riding etc..

Since then she has been very distant and has found her own friends to go out with, both guys and girls, leaving me at home to look after our daughter for which I don’t mind as it allows me to really bond with her and have fun.

Just recently I had a couple of my friends inform me that she has been seeing someone else. A friend of hers (lets call her Sam) had told some of my friends of this. I confronted her about it and she said that they are only friends and she has abused and threatened Sam for telling my friends about this. (Stick with me here people, sorry if this gets confusing). After our argument she says that she wants to sell and separate, fair enough. We have had other arguments where she has said this before..

I work away (offshore) and we had this argument in the car on the way to the airport. Upon my return, she picked me up from the airport and acted as if nothing had happened. She had not contacted me or returned any emails whilst I was away (3 weeks) until the day before I was due to fly back, which is when I asked her if she could pick me up from the airport. She agreed and offered to take me out for lunch when I got back, WTF?.

Whilst I was away she had contacted my friends and said to them that if they heard about this other guy then why did they not come to her and quiz her about it?? She said they are all lying and that I shouldn’t be talking to them etc cooz they cant be trusted. I asked my wife why did Sam even know about this other guy?? Why is it you could tell her about him and not mention him to me?? Her reply was that “I don’t know all your friends so why do you need to know all mine”, which is crap because she does know all my friends- every single one of them.. she knows this. So much for sharing/ including me in her life as part of our “Marriage”… 

Anyhow, she had been going to the pub/ bars a few afternoons and nights upon my return with her 20 year old friend (female) for which she has known for only 6 months and she has been acting like she is 20 herself lately, pretty pathetic really. She has not worked for the last 8 months so I said to her the other afternoon when she came home with the 20 year old half drunk that I wish I had enough money to be at the pub drinking etc. How’s about you start financially contributing to the household. This caused WW3 and ended with her walking out and leaving with the 20 year old, bottle of JD under the arm yelling “You’ve done it now, I want a divorce” blah, blah, blah….acting like she was a disgruntled school girl..Gave me the silent treatment until 2 days ago.

She has since removed our wedding photos and any other photos of us together from the walls. She was apparently going to see a solicitor 2 days ago to start the divorce proceedings and came home with the 20 year old all nice as pie and talking to me. (again WTF?).. Tells me that she didn’t go and see the lawyer and that she wants to do this without involving the courts etc. I said fine that’s good but as long as its done fairly because when she went silly the other afternoon she said she was going to take everything, not let me see our daughter ever again and wished I was dead. I did not believe this to be true and took it with a grain of salt due to her temper at the time. 
Today she says to me that I need to move out because she cant afford to. Basically she wants me to continue paying the mortgage/ house payments and rent a place elsewhere. But it doesn’t have to happen straight away, lucky me… I have told her previously that I wont be going anywhere until the house has been sold. Today I did not say anything back to her, just to keep the peace. 

I have an appointment to see a solicitor on Monday morning at 9am, just to get some idea of where I stand with regards to my financial situation and custody of my child.

I will have my boss write a letter stating that I will not be headed offshore any more and will have an onshore role from now on. If we sell the house and split the assets I will be financially fine to have my daughter live with me in a rented apartment etc, she on the other hand will not be able to support herself and our daughter if she has sole custody, even if she does get a job. 

If it all turns pear shaped and she ends up with sole custody of our daughter I think she may move 4000klms away towards her parents so that she can sponge from them. I will of course oppose this move. Due to the “normal” child custody arrangements I fear that she will however end up with our daughter and leave me paying child support, which is fine. Even if I do pay to support my daughter my wife still wont be able to afford to live here in the same town.

Is there anything else I should be putting in place before this goes any further?
I would prefer to sort our mess out and reconnect but I don’t think I could trust her anymore.
Does anyone have any other suggestions that can help my situation??

Sorry for the long first post but this is my current situation, I have never felt so low in all my life. Makes me want to jump off a cliff at times..However time will heal this wound i'm sure.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sounds like you have things handled pretty well. I would advise you to take a copy of the letter from your boss with you to the meeting with your solicitor. Tell your solicitor EVERYTHING (the suspected affair, the drinking/partying, bringing home drunken friends when your daughter is around, leaving with said drunken friend and a bottle of Jack, not working for 8 months, etc.) LISTEN TO YOUR SOLICITOR'S ADVICE. This is NOT the time to worry about being the 'bad guy' or 'being too hard' on (wife), or whatever.

It is obvious that your wife's life is disintegrating into the single/partying lifestyle, and it isn't going to get better...at least not for a long while. This WILL NOT BE GOOD for your daughter.

Ensure that you're doing ALL the things that make for a good parent; not just food/shelter but reading to her, playing with her, taking her to the park, teaching her how to jump rope, or learn her alphabet, or take turns with other children, or make up a story, or bake cookies, or learn about the animals at the zoo, or go to the library. ALL the things that will make your daughter's life better and richer; all the things that will prepare her for school next year.

Stick to your guns about selling the house. Your wife can sink or swim when you quit providing a roof. Spend your time, money, attention, love on your daughter and YOURSELF. Go for full-custody of your daughter and ask your solicitor ANY questions you have so that you can be as fully informed as possible of possible situations, possible outcomes, actions you can take/avoid to give YOU the best chance of becoming your daughter's permanent, full-time stable parent.

Good luck, and let us know how your solicitor's meeting goes! We care!


----------



## Zoro (May 11, 2012)

Thanks for the advice SGW. I've been putting all my energy into my daughters life at present and i think my wife is jealous of this. My daughter only asks me to play with her and i have asked her why she never asks mummy to play with her. Her reply was "because mummy is always busy". She is always on the phone TXTing and on facebook talking to her so called friends. Wife also said to me this afternoon that "she never asks me to play with her", i bit my tongue and said nothing. 

My wife has a hard time keeping friends, she cant even have a relationship with her parents or her sister. Really has a destructive personality, i think she has Borderline Personality Disorder either that or Bipolar. Her own Matron of honour at our wedding no longer has anything to with her. She just doesn't care how she is perceived by others/ what other people think of her. This has created a lot of lost friendships and embarassment over the years and i dont know why i'm still here. I just wanted a "normal" upbringing for my daughter but what is "normal" these days anyway? 

My daughter attends pre-school and i've booked myself in with the school to go on an excursion with the kids next week. I'm the one that reads the library books to her, bakes cupcakes with her and takes her to the beach to play in the sand. My wife never wants to do anything with us together and i assumed this was because she used to spend time with her while i was away. I dont think this is the case anymore, i just think she regrets getting married, having a child and buying a house. These are all the things that she wanted for soo long, now she has it all she doesn't want it. Her loss i suppose. 

I have read the "180" today and will attempt to complete a few more of the steps that have been listed within that. Its not really in my nature to act without regard towards my wife but i think it needs to be done. 

Just really worried about losing contact with my daughter if this whole thing backfires on me, she will be pretty spitefull once she has been served papers and will try and take me for everything i have, including my soul. Just have to tread really carefully for now and ensure everything is perfect before it is released.

P.S. Wife just rang me from the pub saying she is sleeping at her 20 year old friend's house tonight because she's had too much to drink.. Lucky for her as i was going to ring the police and give them a description of the vehicle and get them to pull her over when she left. She has a tendency to drink and drive quite often. Daughter and i have been watching the Smurfs....lol


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You sure she is only sleeping with her female friend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zoro (May 11, 2012)

She actually came home around 3am telling me that her ex friend Sam (the one that had told my friends about the other guy) had overdosed on some drug and that she had to be taken to the hospital etc. Her 20 year old female friend is Sam's sister in law, if that makes sense. Not sure why they/ she were contacted just yet as she is still asleep/ hungover. I believe that her 20 year old friend still talks to Sam. Sam's hubby has said to my wife's 20 year old friend (his sister) that she is being disrespectful to him/ their family by still being friends with my wife...this was a couple of days ago. 

To be honest i really dont care who she is sleeping with anymore, as long as its not done around me or my daughter... i'm well past that. If she is sleping around i hope she gets an STD....


----------



## Zoro (May 11, 2012)

Bit of an update, she's just taken my daughter to go and live somewhere else. Reckons i'll never see her again and will be moving 4000klms away to take a job. 

Not a real good outcome just yet, wil be seeing the solicitor tomorrow to find out what my options are.


----------



## Zoro (May 11, 2012)

Thankfully everything has calmed down to the point where we can talk/ communicate again. I went to see the solicitor and she has given the courts some paperwork so that if she does decide to take off for real then all i have to do is drive straight to the courthouse, let them know whats happened and she'll be made to return.

We will still be splitting up, the logistics of said split have still to be worked out, with regards to living arrangements etc..

Is going to be a tough couple of months ahead for us both but time will heal our wounds, thankfully this will be done without anger or spite and clear heads will prevail. I know from reading the horror stories on here that my current situation could be so much worse than it is. 

Just need to keep in the back of my mind that there is always someone much worse off than myself.


----------



## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Good luck!


----------

