# 1 step forward, 2 steps back



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I am at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back with my husband. 

He called tonight & was complaining that he is so busy at work & he could hardly afford to take the time off etc as the bosses will be around. I said look its your only brothers wedding, you will be gone for 4/5 days. So anyway long story short, we started talking more about us. I think the thing with him & work is that he loves to feel important & that he is the only one who can do what needs doing. Anywho...

He says he has made all of the effort for the past year in the marriage. wtf:Thats right - I sat on my a$$ watching Oprah & eating bon-bons all day long...)

I say a big problem is communication, he says he was the one who communicated. Yet when I say to him but you said that you never told me when things bothered you because you didnt want to cause a fight or make a big deal out of nothing - do you think that was communicating?? 

Then he turns it around on me and says well what did you do? He says he waited up for me when I came in from class to talk to me, I said yes you did & didn't I sit and talk with you for ages. He says well you sat opposite me. I said I didn't realize you wanted me to sit ON YOU for gods sake. 

I said I asked him about work, I encouraged him to go away for dive trips on the weekends. He wouldnt go even though I tried to practically shove him out the door because I could see he needed the time to get away and destress. I never nagged him about anything, even when he left on weekends/holidays/vacations to go to work. I knew it was stressful & I didnt want to pile more on there. 

I tried to question him about the love languages, but he wanted no part of it. He says I did all those things for you. I've done everything, you've done nothing. 

OMG would love some help as to what the hell to do. We leave tomorrow evening to drive to FL. Sometimes he wants to talk about it, and sometimes he doesnt. Hes so hot & cold I am so confused. 

Hope this post makes sense. I feel as though I am rambling, I am tired, and frustrated.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Do you guys talk about what you are hurt about and why? Or does he just tell you the stuff you did wrong? Your communication sounds really bad like you said.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Damn, he's blaming you for everything, eh? Sounds familiar..

I feel for you, having to sit in the car with him. Can you get seriously ill and stay home? That's what I'd do for sure. 

Or bring your Ipod or something and tune him out. It could be a long and bumpy ride if you start "discussing" things. IMO Being trapped in a car is not where you want to have a serious conversation. 

Good luck. You are a better person than I would be in the same situation.


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

NO he just tells me all the stuff I did or didn't do, and if I ask him anything or try to get him to look at how he contributed to this mess he says well I did that, and that, and that. You know he has been so wonderful...

I thought more last night, and I think he feels that we are holding him back, he said something last night when I said look you have to have priorities, this is your only brothers wedding, are you seriously thinking about letting him down & not going? He ACTUALLY WAS, and said thats what I have to do to get ahead at work. 
Maybe work will be enough for him when the people in his life don't give a crap about him anymore because he has continually bailed on them...


----------



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Recently going through a small scale similar issue. What seems to be helping is we laid a ground rule of a discussion of only one negative issue at a time (though open discussion on how to know each other better) and if either of us starts to get heated/fristrated, to end the discussion, say one nice thing about each other before hanging up the phone/ending the convo, but agreeing to go back to it the next day, but in a new way.

On my side I agreed to tell him what his words say to me, calmly, then ask him if that is what he meant? IF not, then he says so and tries to reword it (working wonders) and the same the other way around.

We also agreed to try not to bring up the who did what in the past, other than to say "this is what I was trying to do when.... but I guess I went about it the wrong way" or " wow, I thought you meant this in the past and that is why I reacted the way I did" but the past is for example, but for discussion of LOL 

We also agreed to put off the big heated issues till we are understanding each other better. Small steps on small issues first.

Now it is still WAY early in our reconcilliation, but so far *fingers crossed* it's working. We both see what we have done to each other in the past, and are working not to make the same mistakes, with a beginning of a slip here and there. We both want the long term, so we are not as much about the insane passion we once had, and more about fixing what broke so the passion can naturally come back (we both know it's there somewhere)


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Babyheart said:


> NO he just tells me all the stuff I did or didn't do, and if I ask him anything or try to get him to look at how he contributed to this mess he says well I did that, and that, and that. You know he has been so wonderful...


He must be taking the same classes as my husband. It's amazing how they all sound alike. 

Oh yeah, they are both alcoholics. Surprise, surprise!


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> He must be taking the same classes as my husband. It's amazing how they all sound alike.
> 
> Oh yeah, they are both alcoholics. Surprise, surprise!


Yeah I guess thats why he is so hot then cold. I feel like Katy Perry :rofl:
I guess there is nothing I can do as long as he maintains he has done no wrong or does not need to change anything to help fix this. It really seems like he is looking for an out (perhaps there is indeed another woman in the wings)

Good for me though, my friend from school has offered me her husbands services pro bono if I need them (hes a divorce lawyer in manhattan). Perhaps I need to see where I would stand.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yep, my husband is suffering from Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde as well. It's one of the main symptoms I've noticed since he became an alcoholic. It's striking how it's almost _feral_ when he goes into "Mr Hyde" mode. His eyes practically glow, His face changes. It's almost scary. It'll take nothing to send him into this state. I'll say the wrong thing and *BAM!!* There it is. And when he gets that way he's downright mean. There's no talking to him and that's when he's most abusive. 

Then he'll switch back..like a light switch and become nice again. Problem is, there's no predicting it. It has nothing to do with him being sober or drunk because my husband is always in some state of inebriation. I think the alcohol magnifies his emotions more so than someone who is "normal". That's how it seems to me. 

My husband shows absolutely NO remorse about anything he did. No apologies for the fact that he almost destroyed our business and trainwrecked our lives. Any explanation for his actions comes in the form of blaming me. It's all on me. Even the things he once gave me credit for as being good are now twisted and disregarded. 

I'll admit, I feel a lot of guilt about the things I did. I'm far from blameless but the difference is I readily admit that the things I did were wrong and look to put things behind me and move forward. He just wants to sit and assign blame and take no responsibility for his actions. 

More importantly, I've taken a lot of steps over the years to change and he's done nothing. I know I didn't do enough but at least I tried. Now he's inherited a large sum of money which enables him to act as he does too and he has no reason to change. Maybe when he goes through that money he'll wake up. 

I especially love it when he lectures me on how much I need to work or how I should "parent". I find this absolutely bizarre and amusing. It's a good thing I have a sense of humor and don't take these things seriously. :rofl:

So I "yes" him and go home. It's easier that way. When we argue and debate it's just pointless. It's the dog chasing it's tail. 'Round and 'round we go and we go nowhere. The biggest difference now is that I don't yell back at him anymore. I don't cry or beg or cut myself. I just leave. IMO that's a BIG step. I'm getting to the point where I don't give a damn . 

Not giving a damn is the greatest sense of freedom one can have. Highly recommended. 

You are lucky to have a lawyer who will work for you. I wish I had the same. I've often thought of going for a consultation but I just can't afford the freight and I just don't have the time or inclination right now. I just want to live my life in peace. 

My husband is usually pleasant enough if I don't stir him up so my goal now is to just keep things cordial, pleasant and not get too involved with him. I find myself not wanting to spend time with him and that's probably the biggest positive trend now.


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep, my husband is suffering from Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde as well. It's one of the main symptoms I've noticed since he became an alcoholic. It's striking how it's almost _feral_ when he goes into "Mr Hyde" mode. His eyes practically glow, His face changes. It's almost scary. It'll take nothing to send him into this state. I'll say the wrong thing and *BAM!!* There it is. And when he gets that way he's downright mean. There's no talking to him and that's when he's most abusive.


OMG exactly! Thats what I meant when I said the other night at dinner when we had our "GOOD TALK" I could see the old him in his eyes. Feral is a good description of the other look.


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep, my husband is suffering from Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde as well. It's one of the main symptoms I've noticed since he became an alcoholic. It's striking how it's almost _feral_ when he goes into "Mr Hyde" mode. His eyes practically glow, His face changes. It's almost scary. It'll take nothing to send him into this state. I'll say the wrong thing and *BAM!!* There it is. And when he gets that way he's downright mean. There's no talking to him and that's when he's most abusive.
> 
> Then he'll switch back..like a light switch and become nice again. Problem is, there's no predicting it. It has nothing to do with him being sober or drunk because my husband is always in some state of inebriation. I think the alcohol magnifies his emotions more so than someone who is "normal". That's how it seems to me.
> 
> ...


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yep ...can i jump on the same wagon...
I'm yet to find out weather or not H. thinks he has any fault in this but only 4 months before he decided to separate he accepted that he has a problem and that he's done wrong.( i posted that letter from him)
I don't hear him mentioning anything about that now except that he is seeing a therapist....
I also have a fault and I accepted it, apologized and have been and will be working on it hard.
We'll see!

Babyheart...H. i s the same, workaholic and likes to feel important,it boosts his self esteem i guess when he goes to work ..he has a lot of people that work under him and that is a bit addictive.
When he separated from me he told me that he's worked so much because he couldn't stand being at home ???!!! Not true!
He worked a lot of 12 hr shifts and he would constantly make comments of how he doesn't want to work as much but if he doesn't he won't get bonus at the end of the month plus he's told me many times that he doesn't want to go tonight ...i reminded him all this and asked him why is he making it like it's my fault that he worked that much...that he said " yeah OK ,i worked a lot for other reasons but I was happy actually when not at home " All of this is total noncense.....he was trying to hurt me on all accounts possible.

Now that I'm not there and do not see him he still works like crazy,started having more days off this month but he has no bonus to chaise really so not a big drive but still works a lot...and complains constantly of how tired he is...i don't want to bring that conversation up right now bit i will in MC.


I don't understand why they don't want to look at different angle and be truthful about what they feel...
I really hope MC brings a lot of him out so HE can understand himself.

You guys definitely need MC,he has to find time for that.


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My H won't go to MC he doesn't see the point especially as he doesn't want to be with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My husband says "Marriage counseling? That would be a good way to put an end to our marriage." In other words, he thinks it's a ridiculous idea. 

We did it 10 years ago and it did NOT go well. I'd open up and talk and he'd use what I said against me and give me hell for it later. No thanks.  I think we lasted two or three sessions.

My husband is an alcoholic. Pure and simple. Whatever problems we had before pale in comparison to that fact. What my husband needs is to get sober and STAY sober and then get therapy for himself. Until that happens NOTHING will move forward. 

He's on his own. I'm done. I did all I could for him last summer when I took him to the hospital and got him in for detox/rehab.I visited him every day. He got out 10 days later and I left him $100 and a full tank of gas and the keys to my Jeep so he could drive up and join us at our campsite at Lake George. We picked him up at the dock and he spent a great week with me and the kids. Everything looked hopeful then. 

He went back to work at the beginning of September promising that it would all be fine. Six weeks later he was back on the porch.  End of story. From what I hear this is all too common for alcoholics. In and out of rehab over and over again. On and off the bottle and back on again. The kids and I went through a living hell for a solid 6 months. Our livelihood was almost destroyed. He went through almost all the savings we had. 

Now he doesn't even WORK and he's squandering his inheritance. We could've built a great life with each other but he's chosen to make love to a bottle of rum rather than me. 

If he wants to live that life than he'll live it alone. 

He once told me that I "saved his life". Now he just sneers at that when I mention it. In true Orwellian fashion he has completely rewritten our history and made me the one and only villain. I readily admit and accept my share of the blame but it should be shared between us. As I once told him "We are one and the same. We occupy two different sides of the same coin." He thinks otherwise. 

He's in his own world now. There's nothing I can do. When he's "good", I'm happy to sit and chat with him. When he's bad I leave and go home. That's how I handle it. This is why I love being separated...because I CAN leave!! 

I had someone ask me what I eventually wanted. My reply: I hope he gets sober and we can become the friends we once were. Wouldn't mind having sex with him either. 

But I'm keeping my apartment. I like my life now.


----------

