# And... She's gone



## running1932

Howdy all,

Figured I might type a bunch of stuff here and get it off my chest a bit.

My young wife of 10 months (together 5 years) just up and left me, on my birthday (I'm mid 20's she's early 20s). The leaving story went a little like this: 

So just a couple weeks ago she makes some new friends at work and starts hanging out with them. We actually all hang out together a couple times and have a lot of fun. I went to the arcade with her and we had a blast, I won about $30 worth of tickets and got her a telescope. We meet up with her friend (a guy) that night and go out to the desert and look at stars. I wasn't too concerned about the guy as she was also planning to hang out with another girl too who bailed. Anyhow, had a lot of fun, met her friend, was actually exited she was making friends because she hadn't had any in a while. later they come over to our place and we have a movie night. 

The next week she starts hanging out with them more and then one comes home one night and says shes going out, this is two days before my b-day, oh and she was working a 3-11 shift (I work 9-5 so we don't see eachother much) but she told me she just got a promotion and was going to day shift. I was happy about that because we'd get to see each other more. So we have a bit of tension about her going out again since I've missed her and all but she says she wants to before her schedule changes and won't get to see them... okay... So she comes home at like 5 am... next day friday night, the start of my bday, she doesn't come home. I pretty much seeth it in and am pissed but don't call her or anything. Completely ignore her. I wake up at 6 am tofind her sleeping on the couch (she wasn't in bed and I freaked and went to call her fearing something had happened) then I turn around and go back to bed pissed. She comes into bed with me and we kind of fall asleep, or she does because she'd been up all night. I pretty much seeth and then get up 2 hours later and take our dogs out for a long walk. Come back early afternoon and she is up being busy and I am still waiting for her to apologize and not talking. Finally she breaks down and has me come talk to her and I go off about being stood up on my birthday and she turns it around on me that she is done with our marriage. 

This totally catches me off guard so I start to reason and figure stuff out, so we discuss and she cries and yada yada but we get no where really.

Finally I say, wtf I want to go have some fun on my birthday so we go out on small trip camping and hot springs and bird watching and have a pretty good time with each other but no intimacy, at night we had a long talk about how she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and has met her new friends and has a lot more fun with them than me and we just arent for each other and she doesn't trust that we can work it out anymore. 

On our way back I invite her to movies but that doesn't happen we get to talking about us and I kind of get to the comforting / reasoning (begging pleading stage). She said she didn't like that and was making things worse so I tried my best to stop. she then slipped away to talk with her guy friend and said we'd go to the movies when she came back. When I saw her I knew there was no way she was wanting to go and I told her I did not like how she was treating me and our relationship means more to me than that and since I already knew she was planning to pack up and go wished her well. 

So off she went and we have had no contact for two days, except I congratulated her on her promotion she announced on the face book and decided to send her a text today that I was grabbing a bite to eat at chinese and invited her to come - knowing full well she probably wouldn't even respond. But I just figured I would anyhow 

So yeah, that' theres the split story. A little background on us - met young (17 - 20) and ran off together (essentially eloped). Broke up 3 years later living together and she moves out of state with family. We get back toget 2 months later. and engaged 4 months later. Right before she left we were talking about getting married. We currently have no kids but have been slowly getting more to wanting them. 

I've had some problems with her / our relationship and as a result can come off judging and mean to her. Big and little things, like chores in the house, I fear she isn't responsible at times and that I have to remind her to do things and clean up after her. She has also gained a bit of weight since we first met and has tried unsuccessfully to diet/exercise. Mainly I find her to be often times a quitter or quick to run. She grew up with her mom (divorced early and divorced a 2nd time around when we got married) and they moved every 2 years or more. Her mom was also sick a lot and overweight. Not long she wanted to drop out of school, or she wanted to quit her job but I convinced her to stick with it. Since being with her we have moved at least once a year. We just bought a mobile home and I just got a decent paying and good opportunity job (I left a decent paying but deadend job to move out of state with her - in hope of better opportunity and did find that). Also we did pre-marital counseling at the church we were going to before we got married but she stopped wanting to shortly after we got married... Random thought - right after we got married she said something very submissive to me that was a powerful turn on to me - she however is raised to be very strong independent womens lib type woman - and her family right after being married reminded her of that.

To summarize, I end up having resentment that she doesn't stick with things, clean up, lose weight, etc. I try things to motivate her or completely stop cleaning up as well as I realize I have been enabling her. Things get a little better in that sense. I still remind her to some things at times (her responsibilities). She has forgotten them at times and I have to clean up and then I lose trust in her and get anxious about things.

We have problems with the things we like to do - a lot of this I believe comes from me wanting to 'fix' her, lose weight etc. but is also just me. I like outdoorsy things and love going for walks. I'm a bit like a dog I need a daily walk. She has over time been less and less for doing those types of things. We went backpacking and such a couple times but now it's hard to get her to just go for a walk. Sometime we do though. She likes dinner and a movie and other types of things like that, we do those just as much as the things I like, and at times I try to mix things up and do something new and/or different (arcade, bowling, zoo, etc) but our mainstay is going out on adventures, taking our dogs out, bird watching, swimming, etc. I'm on the computer to much, and so is she, she watches(d) a lot of reality tv, it's a big thing in my life that I've been trying to get away from is watching so much tv or playing a lot of video games, this has had some contention as well.

A big contention for us has been social situations as we tend to have anxiety in them. More her than me - once she had a panic attack at a concert at the fair (she brought this up to me as why she was leaving as well). She just doesn't trust that I will care for her and that for her to get me to she has to really really need it / ask a lot.

This is true in a sense, I have some tough love in me and really don't like when people complain or make excuses about things. Okay not sure where this is going anymore and I've lost my train of thought as I suddenly wondered if I should send this all to her. 

She also says I am controlling.

Anyhow - I'm stubborn and marriage means a lot to me. I love her and want things to work out - at the same time I want to get some help with my issues and hopefully we can get some help on our issues together. I read a lot of conlicting stuff trying to figure out what to do. At times I get pretty emotional and at those times I ususally do something stupid like send her that text. I'm in a world of hurt, I miss the love of my life and best friend - for all the negative things I said I know 3 positives.

I feel very guilty about it all, that it is my fault, that in a way I may have pre-sabatoged, and that my flaws have caused to be how she is. In converstations where we talk about relationship things I usually become defensive, feel attacked, and she is always right. It's hard for me to be upfront about my feelings (fear of retalliation) and I can often be passive aggressive.

We don't have a good support group of married folks, her parents are divorced but some of her family in town is still together. If we can somehow right this ship I want us to get counseling and build a support group of other people with healthy(er) marriages.


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## the guy

The best way to even try to save this is to let her go!

Maybe she will come back maybe she won't. But the big thing here is to think about your self cuz no one else will? Maybe when she sees how confident you are in letting her go she will think twice in what she is about to lose. Maybe in the end you may deside that this girl is just not ment to be...maybe she just is'nt the one that can bring the the best out of you?

At the the end of the day do you really want to share your wife with another man. Hell she gets all the sex she wants from her new boyfriend while you offer her security and her plan B!!!!

Sorry son, but its time to man up and stop being her doormat. Maybe once you start respecting your self your old lady will start respecting you? 

Chicks dig confident men and your sir are not meeting that role as you are so afraid to lose this over wieght women that can't keep house or her husband happy!!!!

There are women out there that can meet your needs and love doing it.......should have bailed on her at the first go around...stop getting managed by this girl and find your own direction. Stop letting this girl define you. 

Sorry brother but I just sense a need for a perverbial 2x4 to your head here. I think if you read this or listened to a friend tell you this story you would tell them the same thing!


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## the guy

And ya by the way....tell her you will no longer try to control her and she is free to move out and move on...and you do have control on what you will tolorate and this justn't wok any more.

So please have the confidence to wish her the best and to avoid any more emotional torture, it would be best that she move out...hell it sounds like she already has, except she still has all her stuff with you....I mean really she comes and goes as she please...why deal with the grief you have to ofer when she comes home days later...SHE SHOULD JUST STAY GONE AND DO BOTH OF YOU A FAVOR!!!!!

It will be a hell of alot easier to move on once she can make a choice here...in short she is stringing you along so that you look like the bad guy once you kick her out and she can be with her new boyfriend.


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## running1932

she has not been back yet but I know she is staying with her two guy friends who share a house until she finds somewhere else to go (she tried lieing to me at first that she was staying with her girl friend but I knew she was staying with her guy friends and confronted her). I don't know if she has a romantic interest there or not probably more of an emotional one than romantic but, I know she will eventually be looking. She has just moved out a suitcase of stuff don't know where it will go from here. We have a lot to work out if her little wild sprint here turns like it did the last time.


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## running1932

yeah I hear all that, I really gotta work on me and gain some confidence. I've suffered from low self esteem a lot of my life and staying with her could be a result of that. Hopefully I can turn stuff around a bit more, I joined a gym shortly after we got married and since then have gained about 10 lbs (I'm tall and thin, have high metabolism and trouble gaining weight), lately have accomplished doubling the number of pushups I can do, so making progress just got to keep on it. Need to build myself and be constructive (working on finishing building my front deck this week).


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## running1932

So it has been 3 nights now with no contact aside from the fb congrats message I sent her and the text I sent yesterday - both unanswered. I'm not sure if I should withhold all contact, or send her an email saying something like acknowledging our problems and that I am working on myself, that I love her and that I respect her wish for space and don't want to be controlling and then wait for her to respond and not contact her for a week. I also want to try and get a hold of her mom who I know is one of the few people in her family she will talk about and hopefully that can help when she speaks with her mom next. 

I really want to figure out this controlling business in some ways I don't know where that's coming from, maybe it is about finances or trying to motivate her to lose weight or the nitpicky things.


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## hank_rea

Most will say not to contact her at all. I have been coming here since my ex wife dropped the bomb on me (like you, it was completely out of left field...this was only two months ago, btw and we're already divorced) and that's the only advice I've been given. I didn't listen. I was like a junkie fiending for his fix. Once I talked to her/texted her, I felt great, but once the high burned off, I felt like crap again. I might have actually gotten used to this situation by now if I had just stuck to no contact. 

If you're there for her, she won't miss you. Be as unavailable as you can. She isn't even responding to the friendly messages you're sending her, forget about telling her anything else unless she initiates contact. I've told my ex wife that I realized my mistakes and that I know how to be a much better partner to her, but it didn't help at all. In the 9 years that I've been with my ex, we haven't not spoken to each other in more than 8 days....including now. I'm on day 3 of no contact right now and it's utter hell. It's for my healing, though. I need to stick to it this time. It's still early for you.....don't make the same mistakes I did. More than likely anything you say to her now will be viewed as pressuring her to get back together, i.e, being controlling. You don't want that, do you?

Believe me, man, I know how hard this is, but you're going to have to at least try to not contact her. At all. She wanted you gone, so give her just what she asked for....at least for now.


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## lifeistooshort

She's not ready to be married, and three years of age difference is a lot when you're 17 and 20.. Sounds to me like you met young, don't have that much in common, and ended up in a parent child relationship. The divorce rate for people under 25 is very high, and a parent child relationship makes that even worse. You can't force her into anything; let her go, work on yourself, and see what happens in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keeponrollin

Pack her stuff put it out on the porch and move on... I know you love your wife and its painful but she is just not mature enough yet for marriage from the way it sounds. 

If she comes back great, if not then work on your job and personnel life and let her go. I promise in 5 years you will look back and understand things you question now.


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## running1932

Dang, sounds quite similar. I think you're right, any communication on my part will seem controlling or pressuring, no matter what I say. She balks at the slightest bit of pressure usually She's a 'it has to be my idea' type of person. I'll have to completely stop any communication for now. I think I'll still try and chat with her mom or some other family, hopefully someone close and supportive can talk some sense to her because I know she doesn't have that support group aside from people who don't know us and she can just vent to.

I think that's how it happened the first time she left too.. we sent friendly messages for a bit and started dating others, but then I just got sick of the cold shoulder and completely stopped, then she called up crying one day...


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## Shaggy

You do realize that she's having an affair with the guy friend right?

The night a couple before your B day, she was for sure having sex with him, as well as those other nights,

She did the little birthday stuff she did out of guilt, but she called him like she did to reassure him that she wasn't having a good time, she certainly wasn't going to cheat on him and give you any birthday sex.

I'd be talking with HR at her job, because she's clearly banging this coworker.


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## Shaggy

Controlling is what cheaters call spouses that c-block their freedom to conduct the affair.


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## tacoma

Divorce her and write her off as youthful exuberance.

You're too young to be dealing with this ****.
Move on


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## running1932

I honestly don't know that she's having a sexual affair (yet) and I'm not going to come to make a verdict on that without evidence. She is for sure going to him with her issues rather than me however.

Obviously confronting her on that at this time would be compromising me not communicating with her, and I would just be plain mean (something I have at times been to her) and was one of her complaints. If she does come back or communicate that will have to be discussed, otherwise it does me no good to think about it. It would be like the Othello story.

I don't have any of them being romantic together, but yes, she most definitely was out with them. Only thing is, she won't have much time for an affiar with the dude since they work opposite schedules and I accessed her email and she was looking for an apt/house of her own so I don't think she is planning to shack up there for long. If anything she might move in with her grandma when she gets back in town.

If she is having an affair, seeing as we are still married, that would be completely unacceptable to me and would me R a lot more difficult.

However, since she does have single male friends, that she is out with, I have no problem going out and making some lady friends. We will see if she likes that.


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## aug

She's too young to be married because she's not ready for it.

Marriage only 10 months old. Get an annulment.


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## Iver

Get Athol Kay's MMSLP - it will have some good advice for you.

You describe your wife as overweight? You do realize this is only going to get worse don't you? 

It's hard for you to get her to even go for a walk? She's lied to you about where she's staying?

I think you should be thankful you don't have children with this woman - you'd be in world of hurt.

I don't mean to be insensitive or dismiss what you are going through here but you need to read a number of the posts on this site and truly understand that by divorcing her now you will be saving yourself from a great deal of pain down the road.

Good Luck.


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## running1932

Well though she said she's done when she left it of course is not yet over. I'm not going to do anything rash yet just keep working on myself. Maybe she is out there working on her self (she did the first time we broke up) and we will both be better people. So I'm just going to bite my tounge for now until she contacts me. I just hope it doesn't take too long, summer is coming up and that's typically are favorite time together.


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## running1932

thanks for the book recommendation, first page already seems spot on.


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## jh52

You posted this in reconciliation - you can't reconcile by yourself.

You marriage is in deep trouble after 10 months - I would think long and hard if you really want to spend the rest of your life like this. You don't have kids - make a break now and stop chasing her. You look very weak in her eyes - and this makes you not attractive to her.

BTW - I am not 100% sure she is having a PA - but am 100% sure she is having an EA with this guy.

Cheating is cheating - whether emotional or physical - just open your eyes - it will be hard to face the truth - but I believe this is the truth.


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## running1932

Damn, I am getting so torn up here. It's like on one side I want to bite my tounge and wait for her to contact me, but on the other side if she is having some type of EA then I feel I need to intervene immediately, or at least call her out on it and completely sever things.


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## tulsy

running1932 said:


> Damn, I am getting so torn up here. It's like on one side I want to bite my tounge and wait for her to contact me, but on the other side if she is having some type of EA then I feel I need to intervene immediately, or at least call her out on it and completely sever things.


What is the point of that? You are running in circles and not listening to anything people are posting. 

Pack up all her chit, put in in bags and tell her to come get it. She chose to leave, tell her to take all of her chit with her...you are not her storage facility.

Read MMSL, 180, and move on. You waiting around for her, texting her, FB messaging her....it all makes you look even more unattractive to her. She's not interested, it's over.

Stop hoping to be her backup plan...you want to be her plan B, or C, or D, etc.? 

If you aren't plan A, she's not the girl for you. Stop buying the "your controlling" reason...she met the other guy and wants him instead....she's just using that as an excuse to make the breakup your fault.

Snap out of it.


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## running1932

I've been feeling a lot of grief and anger. I did a workout yesterday which helped with esteem but seemed to fuel my anger. My energy levels are through the roof. I'm playing ultimate and hockey this friday/saturday and I'm going to tear it up out there. Don't know what else to do, this frustration is maddening. At least I'm able to sleep somewhat and am back to gaining weight (lost 5 lbs but have gained it back). 

Nearing 48 hours of no contact on my part and 4 nights since she actually left or spoken with me. Half of me wants to make sure we get together this weekend to talk and half thinks I should still no contact until she does. There is a final notice that came in the mail to get her car emissions tested by the 25th. Not sure if I'm going to mention it - I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.


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## running1932

And yeah, this thread is probably better for the going through separation forum, since that is what's going on. I'd like to reconcile but that takes two people wanting to. I guess I just want to fight for her back.


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## running1932

She came by to get some stuff, but it's totally over and there is nothing I can do. She's not wearing her ring and is emotionally attached to her new friend. I guess this thread needs to be moved to the other forum and I need to go through the grieving process.


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## Madman1

It may not be completely over yet, someday she may come back saying she made the biggest mistake of her life and you will take her back only for her to do this to you again.

The fun may just be starting.


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## whitehawk

This might hurt and I'm sorry about that but I think it's best you hear it if someone hasn't said it already.
I know believe me , how hard this sh1t is. We were together 18yrs.

But , so she's left twice now right , that's ridiculous . There's something really wrong there.
And she's seeing other guys too , lies , what already , that's triple ridiculous , worse.
She's already shown you her selfish , immatured character , so soon , is not the sort of girl any guy needs I'm sorry , but that really is just bs.
And , she's so young still just to ice the cake . You know really , getting married and meeting so young. I spose in our parents old days , people could do that and survive but these days , the women and the character that yours has shown and so early - YOUR TOO GOOD FOR THAT BS .
And to prove it , while your here , upset , trying to figure out how to save it , what's she doing ?

I wouldn't get back with her if I was you , she'll only hurt you again. She might even last till the kids come a long next time - then leave you again for herself, Not worth it.
If it was me I'd be looking forward , looking after me , growing , enjoying life and sometime later a beautiful new girl that is worth your while and love and that does have what it takes , will come a long believe me. I know it is incredibly painful and hard but the next time will be much harder , especially if there are kids.
Better yourself , fix those things and enjoy being young , life will look after yoy if you do.
And hey , do you really wanna be married at this age anyway !

Sorry about the 2x4 but I me thinks we gotta be cruel to be kind here.

Good luck , hang in there.


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## Madman1

Listen to what Whitehawk is saying, run forest run,
If you think it hurts now wait till she has your kids and does it again!

Thank your lucky stars you found out now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## running1932

Yeah, I no longer see any course forward to save this so I am completely letting go. So now I just have to look after me. Went and setup a new bank account today and am keeping the house locked (she left her key at home). Might be coming over this weekend to get more stuff but I'm not going to talk to her about us, just going to be me and keep it real.


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## running1932

So I sent her a text today about a random funny incident that only she would get happened and she actually replied but I didn't reply further. She called me later needing the dates we move into our last two places for looking for a new place (she doesn't plan to stay living with her guy friend/coworker). I thought it was funny because it was only 6 months and just over a year we moved into our these places.. is she really that helpless or was this an excuse to call me? Either way - just got back from the gym and frisbee today was a lot of fun.

Also, wish I had read MMSL years ago.


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## whitehawk

running1932 said:


> So I sent her a text today about a random funny incident that only she would get happened and she actually replied but I didn't reply further. She called me later needing the dates we move into our last two places for looking for a new place (she doesn't plan to stay living with her guy friend/coworker). I thought it was funny because it was only 6 months and just over a year we moved into our these places.. is she really that helpless or was this an excuse to call me? Either way - just got back from the gym and frisbee today was a lot of fun.
> 
> Also, wish I had read MMSL years ago.



Probably a bit of both but really , it doesn't matter she's not asking to work you guys out is she ?
The guy , sorry but they've probably had their fun and it's fizzled out.

Your really doing a good thing looking forward. You'll be working on you, enjoying, living , laugh and life will look after you don't worry.
Try to take heed of what we tried to say because believe me , later with kids , you just couldn't imagine.


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## jh52

running1932 said:


> So I sent her a text today about a random funny incident that only she would get happened and she actually replied but I didn't reply further. She called me later needing the dates we move into our last two places for looking for a new place (she doesn't plan to stay living with her guy friend/coworker). I thought it was funny because it was only 6 months and just over a year we moved into our these places.. is she really that helpless or was this an excuse to call me? Either way - just got back from the gym and frisbee today was a lot of fun.
> 
> Also, wish I had read MMSL years ago.


Sorry you are going through this but you need to let her go and file for divorce.

Don't get your hopes out because she responded to one text.

I believe you stated she is living with a few friends and not just OM. She is going to get her own place so that she and her OM have a place to live. This is what I think is going to happen.


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## running1932

jh52 said:


> Sorry you are going through this but you need to let her go and file for divorce.
> 
> Don't get your hopes out because she responded to one text.
> 
> I believe you stated she is living with a few friends and not just OM. She is going to get her own place so that she and her OM have a place to live. This is what I think is going to happen.


no that wouldn't make sense.. he has a place and a roomate, and she is crashing there until she finds her own place - but then of course possibly for some OM to stay over or whatnot.

She tried to access the bank account and locked it out. Her worked changed companies and they switched payrolls over to the new company, either she has opened a new bank account and had her direct deposit go there or it is taking longer than normal since the change. In such a case.. you leave a guy and want a D and expect bank account access? (She technically still does, I left 1/3 of what was in there since I make 2x what she makes) but plan to close it asap when I move all my bills over and direct deposits over.


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## jh52

Running -- if you plan to stay around TAM and seek support going forward I would Private Message a moderator to move this thread to the Going through a Divorce Forum and change the name of your thread from Reconciliation to something that pertains to your situation. You are not in reconciliation.


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