# Will wanting a child ever stop?



## wannabemommy

I've never posted to a forum before, so I hope I'm doing this right.
Background - I am 35 and my husband of 15 years is 41. We met when I was 17, married when I was 19 (he was 26). The plan was to have a baby before he turned 30, he didn't want to be an "old" dad, I didn't want to be "too young" of a mom. 

Here's what happened, when I was 22 (getting to that I want a baby point in my life) and he was 29 his ex-wife died...and I was an insta-mom to an 8 year old. PLEASE do not misunderstand, my step-son truly is the best thing that ever happened to me...but raising him made me just want a baby more...but not right at that moment, I was still getting used to a child that was going through a really rough time in his life. I think I was 25 when the bug really bit me...and I mean it really bit. But my husband was already over 30 and didn't want any more children at that point. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of things said...but it came down to leave or learn to live without having a baby. I am totally in love with my husband, so I of course didn't leave. Plus, I couldn't let my wonderful step-son lose another mom.
Now I'm almost 35, my step-son is in college and I honestly don't want to have a baby at this age...I know a lot of people think it's ok - but I have known too many people have too many issues with mid-30's pregnancies. But here's the thing...I'm angry. I am SO angry with him. I get in these moods where I pick fights just so he will feel like I'm feeling. I feel cheated. In every other aspect my husband is damn near perfect...why can't I live with this? Will the feeling EVER stop?


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## Trickster

Hey wannabe.. #5 is not to old to have a childMy wife and I got pregnant at 35. I always wanted children and my wife always said... Maybe one day At 35 the clock was ticking. So I pressured my wife into it and she had the HARDEST Time. I think both people have to be on board with it without force. I would have loved 2 or 3 children. We stopped at one. I feel a little angry and cheated also. She lead me to believe that once we were marrieed we would strat trying. 

If your hubby said he was finished, A baby in the picture will just be a wedge.


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## lamaga

You're 35, you're incredibly young to have a child! BUT -- AlreadyGone is right, you both need to be on board with this.

If you are constantly angry, it's a sign that you have not accepted this situation. So you guys need to hash it out -- does he realize how much you want his child? Secondly, you need to decide if it's worth leaving your marriage over. Ignoring the anger is probably the worst option you could choose, although people do it every day


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## FirstYearDown

Theoretically, a woman can have a healthy child at any age. It's just that the birth defect risks go up the older the mother is. 

At least you are smart enough to know not to have a baby, with a man who doesn't want one. I have seen so many marriage crumble because of indifferent or ambivalent parents. It often results in the reluctant parent not helping with the children and causing resentment.

Your anger comes from grief for not having a biological child. If you are truly honest with yourself, you will realize that you cannot blame your husband because you didn't want to leave. He was clear about what he wanted and gave you a choice. If you desperately wanted a baby, you should have left your husband. We can't have it all. Any choice leads to some doors closing. 

Nothing will replace a baby, but perhaps you can refocus some of your nurturing by having a baby animal or doing volunteer work with children. I love kids, but only when they can go back to their parents. When I want to be around children, I go see my nieces. Do you have nieces, nephews or close friend's kids to spoil?


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## Joshy

wannabemommy said:


> I've never posted to a forum before, so I hope I'm doing this right.
> Background - I am 35 and my husband of 15 years is 41. We met when I was 17, married when I was 19 (he was 26). The plan was to have a baby before he turned 30, he didn't want to be an "old" dad, I didn't want to be "too young" of a mom.
> 
> Here's what happened, when I was 22 (getting to that I want a baby point in my life) and he was 29 his ex-wife died...and I was an insta-mom to an 8 year old. PLEASE do not misunderstand, my step-son truly is the best thing that ever happened to me...but raising him made me just want a baby more...but not right at that moment, I was still getting used to a child that was going through a really rough time in his life. I think I was 25 when the bug really bit me...and I mean it really bit. But my husband was already over 30 and didn't want any more children at that point. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of things said...but it came down to leave or learn to live without having a baby. I am totally in love with my husband, so I of course didn't leave. Plus, I couldn't let my wonderful step-son lose another mom.
> Now I'm almost 35, my step-son is in college and I honestly don't want to have a baby at this age...I know a lot of people think it's ok - but I have known too many people have too many issues with mid-30's pregnancies. But here's the thing...I'm angry. I am SO angry with him. I get in these moods where I pick fights just so he will feel like I'm feeling. I feel cheated. In every other aspect my husband is damn near perfect...why can't I live with this? Will the feeling EVER stop?


Personally from me, the desire to have a child, I feel will never diminish. I am currently going through a dispute with my fiancee about this, her making me believe when we got married the kids would start coming immediately.

I have got a few different but common opinions.

-Hash it out with your partner.
-Give it time.
-Or face the inevitable. If you want a kid and your partner doesn't splitting up is the option.


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## readyforbaby76

wannabemommy said:


> I've never posted to a forum before, so I hope I'm doing this right.
> Background - I am 35 and my husband of 15 years is 41. We met when I was 17, married when I was 19 (he was 26). The plan was to have a baby before he turned 30, he didn't want to be an "old" dad, I didn't want to be "too young" of a mom.
> 
> Here's what happened, when I was 22 (getting to that I want a baby point in my life) and he was 29 his ex-wife died...and I was an insta-mom to an 8 year old. PLEASE do not misunderstand, my step-son truly is the best thing that ever happened to me...but raising him made me just want a baby more...but not right at that moment, I was still getting used to a child that was going through a really rough time in his life. I think I was 25 when the bug really bit me...and I mean it really bit. But my husband was already over 30 and didn't want any more children at that point. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of things said...but it came down to leave or learn to live without having a baby. I am totally in love with my husband, so I of course didn't leave. Plus, I couldn't let my wonderful step-son lose another mom.
> Now I'm almost 35, my step-son is in college and I honestly don't want to have a baby at this age...I know a lot of people think it's ok - but I have known too many people have too many issues with mid-30's pregnancies. But here's the thing...I'm angry. I am SO angry with him. I get in these moods where I pick fights just so he will feel like I'm feeling. I feel cheated. In every other aspect my husband is damn near perfect...why can't I live with this? Will the feeling EVER stop?


Im confused, you said "I honestly do not want to have a baby at this age" - so why are you mad at him?
If you DO NOT WANT to have a baby then how can you be mad at him?
He said he didn't want one before, and you CHOSE to stay with him, that was YOUR decision.............

If you do want one now, then I would say talk to him, Im sure he would come around, but you said you dont want one............so how/or what are you mad at him for??? :scratchhead:


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## readyforbaby76

Also, I am 35 and DH and I just decided to ttc. He was not on board at first, but we discussed it, I expressed my feelings and how important it was...............he asked for TIME to think it through and I gave him months - he is now 100% on board.

But again, you said you DO NOT want one...????


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## Jazzmin

wannabemommy said:


> why can't I live with this? Will the feeling EVER stop?


You have to go through the stages of grief with any loss. Does missing someone who died ever completely go away with time? No. But people always say that time heals all wounds. We learn to accept our losses and refocus our outlook. Your resentment has bubbled to the surface because you are ready to deal with it right now. You have to address it so that you can move on. Good luck.


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## Corpuswife

If you hold onto resentment....your marriage will suffer perhaps break apart. Then, you will REALLY resent that fact that you have "wasted your time" and could have ended up with a child and someone else.

If you stay without having a child and you don't wish to continue resentment, you are going to have to seriously focus on something else: Animals; volunteering at the nursery/church; volunteering that services children in some way. I am just saying to keep in touch with that "mothering" side and use it for the good.

I have a feeling that he won't agree to another child, after all of these years.


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## ExiledBayStater

This is a zombie thread, but I do hope the OP got her baby.

A man who fathers his first child over 30 is an "old dad?" What happens to a man who has a child when he's over 30? Count me in the old dad club, and my father, and grandfathers.


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