# feeling awful...can't move on...



## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Hello,

Lucy here. I'm just past two months since my husband announced it's over and he wants to move out. He moved out Nov. 20. 

It feels like no time at all has passed for me, I'm still in shock and denial. I've lost 20 lbs. I'm trying to do things for myself but the days are a blur. Actually, it feels like torture.

I don't know what I need, except to be able to vent I guess. I have friends who listen and sympathize, but that can't help the fact that I am absolutely paralyzed by the idea of moving forward...seeing my husband with other people (even ones he's not romantically involved with) - actually, even seeing him is like torture now.

We saw a counsellor last week, the same one we saw once before he announced the separation. It was awful - him all business-like, me a mess. Then he thanked the counsellor for how helpful it was, when really he just rammed it down my throat that he's done, its over, and there's nothing I can do about it.

It makes me want to run away, never see him again, but we have a 7 year old. I have no idea what to do. 

How do you get past the jealousy, the possessiveness (of your kid), the rage and shock and disbelief?

I've told him I want to try to work things out too much. I can imagine my life without him, but only cold turkey, not with him in it all the time on account of our daughter.

And I both love and hate him right now.

Please, any kind (okay, or harsh) words right now to help would be much appreciated.


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## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi, 
My husband and I separated four months ago. It's hard. Yup, really, really, really hard. Just know you are not the only one going through this (not that that helps, but hopefully you will feel supported).
My best to you!


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

What are you doing to get through it, FG? I'm sick to my stomach almost all the time. 

I'm usually a pretty positive, optimistic person but I just can't see a way forward here.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You are not alone, I have been there and still have my days. Look into the 180. I kind of do my own version cause of the kids. You have to do things for you and your daughter . One day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

We are in a tight-knit community with so many overlapping interests and dreams. It feels impossible to imagine it all working out. And it's all me - he seems fine, even wants to be friends!?!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I would not be able to be friends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Lucy, 
ok..might be a bit harsh.  Choices...either keep doing what your doing or just simply roll over and die. Wait. Same thing. 
Knock it off. Your focusing on 'him'. He's done with you. Your husband left you 10 days after mine left me. I've been exactly where you are right now..I actually still am in many ways. The ill sick feeling..throwing up..shaking...can't live without him...seeing him move one..laughing being happy...moving on. Hearing about how he wanted out...divorce...then he left...and never spoke to me again. Only for a bit via text. I wasn't even worth a phone conversation. 
I went into a deep deep depression. I lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks. I didn't need to lose any weight. Doctor was concerned etc etc...Anyway...if your not on medication..consider it. If it's not working figure it out until it does. Dosage...kind etc. This is a must. You need to eat. The one thing you do have going for you is your 7 yr old. You need to get yourself together woman. Your teaching your child you can't live/function without a man. That man. WRONG! 
Pick yourself respect up and dust it off...get a grip. We have been dumped and that's that. We cannot control their choices but we can control how we handle it and deal with the rest of our lives. 

You say you need to go cold turkey but you can't because of your child...again...wrong. Yes you can. You go as cold cold as cold can get. If the conversation does not involve said child there is no conversation. period. Exchanges don't mean you always have to be in his face. Try and make other arragements as often as you can. He does't need to know 'why' your doing it this way either. Stop telling him how you feel. Be done with that. 180 180 180

you ask how to get through it...you need to listen...and you start by snapping out of it and realizing you can live without him. Detatch. detach detach...limit your contact. 
Read co depedant no more...also 'dont' call that man'... books...self help books...come here more..all the time...every dang day...several times...
and 'listen' to us. By the way...go get your hair done. Clean up. You lost 20lbs. buy some dang clothes ...fake it til you make it...change your attitude...because if you don't... you will remain exactly where you are...and hows that working for you? Hm? 

We ...you and I...have been doing this just about equal time...I agree your douchecanoe is in your face...I still work with mine...but you have to make a conscience choice to do something. Make small personal changes...make some big ones when you can...

Biggest hugest one...if it doesn't involve your child...DO NOT TALK TO HM ANYMORE. Unless you do this you cannot begin to heal...so start doing this my dear...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I would not be able to be friends
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Friends? 

This is crap.

You don't need nor do you 'have' to be 'friends'...with him. 
Cordial...short...sweet...to the point for the child. That's it. 

Friends? NO! That's like adding salt to the wound. Your husband is toying with you...knowing this would be killing you inside...this is ludicris ...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

...meaning I am with Lee...although it looks like by my post above i was talking to her...I was agreeing with her...


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I'm angry but I don't want to go forward with anger. How do you release someone with love? After being angry for a long time?I'm seriously asking. Because there's things about our situation that give me the deep sense that I care about this person and want to have him in my life...in some way. So as much as I want to some days, I can't just give him the ol' F*off.

I'm getting by, still doing some fun things with my daughter. It's more the panic and helplessness in my mind that I'm struggling with.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm so sorry, Lucy. I have felt so many of the same things you are feeling. I still have bad days - two steps forward, one step back - but there *is* progress, albeit slow. I'm 8 months since D-Day.

What helped me was medication - I'm on an anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills. The anxiety was what caused me to lose so much weight - I just couldn't eat. Now I'm eating plenty, too much in fact! 

Also what helped me was finding joy in small things every day - a new coffee at Starbucks, fresh flowers in my house, buying new candles from Bath & Body Works, planning a trip to visit an old girlfriend out-of-state. Don't feel guilty for pampering yourself -- you _deserve_ it and need it! 

Be kind to yourself. It's okay to feel sad and have bad days. Don't hold your tears in -- allow yourself to fully feel your grief. Just don't let it consume you. Allow time to grieve, and then put your grief away for another time. It's all part of the process.

As you start to detach from your husband, you will start to see him in a different light. You will feel like a better person, because _you_ weren't the one who gave up on the marriage. _You_ aren't the one putting your 7 year-old through this. _You_ aren't the selfish one. _You_ aren't the one who thinks it's okay to treat other people like this.

Feel proud of yourself. You are a GOOD person. And you will make it to the other side as a winner.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Lucy -- If I remember correctly, he was not spending a lot of time with your daughter before. Has that changed? If not, you need to put some focus on how this change is affecting her. If they were close before, and now he's not very attentive, and she sees how you are falling apart because he's gone, it does send her messages. She needs to know that you see yourself as an individual, regardless of your marital status. You are teaching her how to be a woman. Unfortunately, her dad doing this is hurting her at a time when her view of herself is taking shape. 

What he has done is very painful to you, I'm not diminishing that. But you are stronger than your daughter, so you need to gather up whatever reserves you have for her sake. 

First of all, take care of your health. Like Stella said, go to your doctor and see if there is something that will help you get over this hump. It doesn't mean you have to stay on something forever. Make sure you spend time outside, and that you are active. Eat as healthy as you can. Not just junk food, and not just when you're emotional. Likewise, don't skip eating, even if you have no appetite (been there, done that -- the Divorce Diet, as my therapist calls it). 

Even though you're in a close-knit town, look into taking a class or joining a group based on a hobby you like to do. Think about volunteering for a local organization. Spend time figuring out who Lucy is. Take your focus off him -- even off of how much you don't want to see him. You can do it. Many, many of us have. It takes time, and it takes willpower. But I know you don't want him to rule the lives of you and your daughter any more than necessary (because he will still be seeing her).

Minimize contact as much as possible. Don't engage him on what he's doing and don't share what you're doing with him. I never thought I'd be able to get past not sharing things with my ex. He was my best friend (or so I thought) for many years. But even though we have almost daily contact due to DS, he knows pretty much nothing about what I do with my time. And vice versa. It gets easier the more you do it.

I don't know if you journal, but I found it very helpful when I was first living on my own. I filled multiple notebooks. But -- it's very good to just write til the feeling is gone, then set the book aside and do something else. Don't journal to keep things in the forefront of your mind, journal to get the things out. Do that, and then fill up the holes with new experiences and new dreams.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lucy,

You really do need to start interacting with him according to the 180 if you have not already.

The anger can be used to give you the energy you need to get beyond where you are right now. 

It sounds like he used to counselor as a 'safe' place to tell you that he's done.

Have you started to look into your rights as far as divorce goes? 

Is he helping you pay the bills and giving you any child support?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lucy mulholland said:


> I'm angry but I don't want to go forward with anger. How do you release someone with love? After being angry for a long time?I'm seriously asking. Because there's things about our situation that give me the deep sense that I care about this person and want to have him in my life...in some way. So as much as I want to some days, I can't just give him the ol' F*off.
> 
> I'm getting by, still doing some fun things with my daughter. It's more the panic and helplessness in my mind that I'm struggling with.


You can have that...eventually...were talking about a way to detatch so you can get a grip...and get in control...and stop feeling sick and get back into tune with yourself. You ever hear about loving someone from a distance? Obviously your being so close and in contact with him isn't working so well for you now is it? I'm telling you ways you need to detatch. If you keep finding excusses not to do it...then your just complaining about being dizzy when you chose to stay on the merrigoround. You asked how to stop being jealous and possesive etc etc...I'm telling you how to do that...


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