# torn



## palo85 (Jul 3, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 young children. A few years ago before our second child was born I found emails in his account from a gay website where he was looking for local males to meet up with. I obviously flipped out on him, but stayed. He said he didn't know why he did it, that he just got bored with straight porn and it was taking more to get him off. I was disgusted, but stayed. He swore to stop. There were no problems for awhile, but this was the normal case as he has done other things before this that upset me. I still found straight porn on the computer, but at that point didn't want to argue as long as it wasn't gay porn. Our sex life was dwindling. I could never even from the beginning keep up with his sex drive and he never provided me with the emotional kind of relationship I needed to feel intimate towards him and not just sexually attracted. He complained a lot in the beginning, but then just started to take care of it himself. Our marriage continued to struggle and we finally went to counseling about a year ago. He went for about 4 sessions, but with the focus being highly on his issues with drinking and porn (gay and straight) he said he didn't like people telling him what to do and stopped attending. Well, flash forward to a couple of weeks ago, and I accidently saw his emails open on his phone. Right in front of my eyes I see some emails about men looking for men. So I open it and it is my husband emailing back and forth with men looking to meet up and other nasty things I won't write. I mentioned it the next morning when we woke up and he had nothing to say. I can't even say that I was super upset this time as I am used to his weird antics and feel completely detached. I didn't want to get too into it with him because his mom has brain cancer and I didn't think this was the right time to bring up divorcing. However I talked with my therapist whom I am seeing alone and she thought I should talk with him because I am literally going crazy with built up emotions and thoughts. So we talked about it and I asked him why he does it. Obviously he must be bisexual. I know he is not gay because he wants to have sex with me all the time I just can't feel attracted to him when I think of the things he has done. I said he either goes to therapy or I am leaving. He said he loves me and doesn't want me to go. He said he will go to therapy, but has yet to find one yet (it has only been a week, but I expect some action at this point.) I guess my question is if you think there is any hope left in my marriage? If he is gay or bisexual I do not care and will not judge, but I do not want that in someone who is my husband. I already feel like there is nothing left, but want to keep my family together. Do you think if he does go to therapy and gets sex therapy or something and is really trying to be better that we stand a chance? I don't know if I can ever forgive or forget about what he has done, I just hold the resentment inside. However, I know it has only been 5 years and don't want to give up and fail at my marriage. He is a great dad and works hard so that I can stay at home with my kids. He is just a horrible husband. Through better or worse right? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## Dave22 (Jul 1, 2012)

I am so sorry Palo. I don't think the gay or bisexual thing is something he will just one day grow out of. I think an ultimatum on the therapy is in order, and if he won't take it seriously you have to start figuring out how to end it.

It seems to me that if he has already explored the sexual stuff and acted on it, things will only get worse. If deep down you know that this is not going to go down a positive path then you should make a change now (seperation/ divorce) rather than five years from now when you're children are older and more aware of the family dynamics.

It seems like you are an incredibly dedicated and patient wife, but you need to protect yourself from more years of continued heartbreak.


----------

