# Should I try to make it work?



## neverthunkit (Jan 21, 2010)

My husband told me 2 months ago that he doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for a long time. I also found out that he's been seeing a married with 2 kids woman at work and he and she says they've had sex once. We talked and he said that he would give it 6 months to feel changes. We are seeing therapists seperately on the recommendation of our therapist because there are so many levels of complication in our relationship. He's told me several times that he had ended it with her to try and work on us and him to regain feelings for me. I think it was just to buy 6 months with his kids (our son graduates 8th grade this year) and we both think it would devastate him. Womans intuition is something else! I found them talking by her car down the street from our house a week ago after he told me that he told her he was going to try to make our marriage work. They both said that that is what they were talking about and how important it was to him to try. We have 2 beautiful kids 13 and 2. I have been trying to get him to do things with me to try to regain a connection, asking him to go out, hang out and talk, etc and have been shot down! He says it's because he doesn't want to "hang out" with me right now. But when he's horny he sure wants to be with me. Anyway, Sunday night something told me to check his phone. Sure enough he had sent her a text saying "I am stalking you" and when I confronted him about it he said "I'm crazy about her" "She makes me happy and you don't". I'm not a totally innocent party here. No infidelity but huge lies about money and a failing business that I was left to run by myself and everytime I needed financial help was told that it was my fault and I wasn't running it right, so on and so forth and it would end up in a huge fight. So I stopped asking for money and found it other places that put us in a financial hell! I could go on and on it's a long story with more parts.
My question is this: should I continue to try to reconnect with him? I do love him very much and want to try but he is just not reciprocating. Any real men or women advice would be great. My therapist doesn't say do or don't, he's giving me great tips on how to figure it out for myself, but I just need some real unbiased advice.


----------



## neverthunkit (Jan 21, 2010)

Wow! Anyone?


----------



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Wow. That sounds like a lot of emotional stress for one person. It sounds like you are doing what you feel will make things work and get reconnected; however, remember that a relationship is a two-way street. If he is going to talk the talk, he needs to walk the walk. Maybe you want to ask him what he feels he needs to start to reconnect with you. He is giving it 6 months, but what does he want to do in the 6 months to make it work (and why 6 months?-it has taken me longer than that to get over my bf ow and I am not married or with kids-just sounds like a short amount of time to get over and move on from what he is presenting you with)? 

It makes it very difficult to reconnect with someone when you are still continuing to see/talk to the other person; especially when there are true emotions involved.

It sounds like he thought about this for a while (not sure how long the A was going on) and while he may realize he will never be with her as a family unit (as she is married with kids and no mention in your post that she would leave her family), he is saying that he does not love you anymore. As devastating as it may be to the children, how is it to be in the household when your parents are in a one-way relationship...what does that show them about how to have a happy long-lasting marriage? Children are pretty resiliant and while it may hurt, one day (you would hope) that they would understand the position you have been put in.

I am not saying to leave your husband etc., because it sounds like you really want things to work and that you are still in love with him...but you may want to take some time as an individual and determine what you are willing to settle for and/or what you feel needs to happen. You two need to come to a compromise on the boundaries and the thoughts of what is going to make you two happy again...and if you both are not willing to actively work towards that goal (constantly) then you may need to regroup.

Right now, I think the ball is in his court. He did the dirt etc, but he is also telling you that he does not have those feelings for you anymore (he tends to make things very personal and without blame to himself)...while most people understand that as a lull in marriage from time to time, it sounds like he is ready to throw in the towel and let it all go. You need to find out why and you need his input on how to make him happy again...but understand, that this may be a cycle...once you fix it, he may be unhappy again in coming months/years etc. then what are you going to do? How long will you do it for? How often will you need to change who you are in order to make your H happy again?

Good luck. I wish you and your family the best.


----------



## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

It is difficult to give an answer if you do not ask a question.



neverthunkit said:


> My question is this: should I continue to try to reconnect with him?


This is your only question, and it is not answerable. You are the only person who can say how much is enough.

Nobody can give you advice about what you should want.

Maybe you should describe the strategies that you have attempted to re-connect with your husband, and how much success you have had with each strategy? Or how you get along with your husband day to day? Or the origins of his resentment of you?

You cannot get advice on what to do, only on how to do it.

Good luck.


----------



## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

I agree with AlexNY in some ways. I can't tell you whether you should try and reconnect with him.

But I can encourage you... If you are willing to risk his deception and really DO want to try your hardest, then go for it. Your dedication and commitment may be the thing that wins him over. Put in 110%. Whether or not he will reciprocate is another question entirely.

He sounds captivated by this other woman and that makes it extremely difficult for you. Can he not choose one way or the other? Work at the marriage or let go and see whether the grass is greener? I'm not suggesting an ultimatum, I'm just sympathizing with your frustration. Maybe you need to decide for yourself whether you can risk being the only one really putting int he effort. Give yourself a time frame possibly?

How have you tried to reconnect? If you aren't being open about the business and truly working together on that, how will you be able to do that for the marriage as well?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best hope you have of saving your marriage is to tell everyone what they are doing. The first person you need to tell is her husband! Let HIM do half the heavy lifting by getting his wife to stay away from your husband. Call his parents and tell them he's having an affair on you and you need their help by speaking to him. Call his best friend and ask for help. And call their work and tell their HR department that they are carrying on a workplace affair using workplace resources; you are giving them an opportunity to separate the two of them before you decide if you are going to look into legal issues.

This is war. Either you fight for your marriage, or you give up. Your husband can't think straight right now because he's running on hormones he gets from sneaking around. Do the thinking for him, until he gets her out of his head. He'll be mad at first that you told everyone, but once he realizes what he's been doing, he'll thank you for fighting for the marriage.


----------

