# Diminishing sex life



## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Married with kids


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

I’m married for four years going 5. My husband is really a great provider and awesome dad. I love him so much and never thought of cheating. We argue sometimes but usually I give in because I don’t really like arguing. If it’s something I know a little bit is my fault I just give in and move on. The only thing I am really not liking is that it’s been about 4 or maybe 5 or more months since we had sex. He is an amazing dad to our kids. He gives me attention but in bed he would not cuddle with me. Our kids sleep with us so normally both our kids are in the middle and it’s been like that for months. We would just kiss good morning and good night. It almost feels like we’re just friends and we just get along because we have kids together. I told him about this before that I love making love with him. I even lost all the pregnancy weight so I’m back in my old weight so I know it’s not my appearance. Whenever we go out I always try to do my make up and get dressed up for myself and for him. I’m even working on my license to have my career back and he backed me up on that. I maybe just so selfish and there are days I feel that I really just wanted to have sex with him. Honestly, I never thought of cheating and never will do it unless I divorce my husband but I don’t think I have the guts because he is such a great dad and I don’t like to break our marriage just because of not having sex. I can’t talk to anybody that’s why I just cry and just talk to myself. Oh my I sound like a crazy woman now.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

socalledperfectwife said:


> I’m married for four years going 5. My husband is really a great provider and awesome dad. I love him so much and never thought of cheating. We argue sometimes but usually I give in because I don’t really like arguing. If it’s something I know a little bit is my fault I just give in and move on. The only thing I am really not liking is that it’s been about 4 or maybe 5 or more months since we had sex. He is an amazing dad to our kids. He gives me attention but in bed he would not cuddle with me. Our kids sleep with us so normally both our kids are in the middle and it’s been like that for months. We would just kiss good morning and good night. It almost feels like we’re just friends and we just get along because we have kids together. I told him about this before that I love making love with him. I even lost all the pregnancy weight so I’m back in my old weight so I know it’s not my appearance. Whenever we go out I always try to do my make up and get dressed up for myself and for him. I’m even working on my license to have my career back and he backed me up on that. I maybe just so selfish and there are days I feel that I really just wanted to have sex with him. Honestly, I never thought of cheating and never will do it unless I divorce my husband but I don’t think I have the guts because he is such a great dad and I don’t like to break our marriage just because of not having sex. I can’t talk to anybody that’s why I just cry and just talk to myself. Oh my I sound like a crazy woman now.


Why do the children sleep with you? How old are they? Who's decision was it to allow them to sleep with you?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sorry your here. Join the club of the sexless marriages.

Does he watch porn?

Get thoes kids into there own rooms.

Comunicate that your desiring him. Ask him whats up ?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why oh why do you have the children in your bed?? That must be making it so much harder for you to have any intimacy at all. I bought up three children and not once did they ever sleep in our bed. You have made a rod for you own back and need to take back the bed for the two of you. They wont like it but they need to be in their own room. 
I cant believe you are even thinking of ending the marriage over this. You have small children and a good husband. Talk to him about it and make sure that you both get those children out of the bed.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Annnnnd this is one of the reasons my kids slept in their own beds from infancy on. The marital bed was for myself and my husband so we could talk, kiss, cuddle, and have great sex.

Most people are very uncomfortable initiating sex with two children right there in the bed. Try moving the kids into their own beds.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Get the kids out of your bed. Pronto.

Sit your husband down and say, “I love so many things about you (list them) and I also love having steamy hot sex with you. I miss it, I NEED it. I feel like we are heading into a danger zone by not taking care of our sexual relationship. I won’t be in a sexless marriage. How do you recommend we fix this?”

Listen to what he suggests and go from there. TALK. COMMUNICATE. SPEND TIME ALONE.

Remove distractions from the bedroom. 

1. Kids
2. Electronics - Charge your phones and tablets in another room.
3. The TV. 

Now you are alone...no distractions. Put on some lingerie and go to bed. Problems solved.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Thanks for all the reply. I don’t know how to reply individually. Sorry it’s my first time here. The kids have their own rooms but I don’t know they end up sleeping with us so then they just get used to it. Before if we would make love, we would have sex before our bed time and just let the kids watch tv, both are still very young like 2 and 3 year olds. I did tell him before that I love having sex and making love and all that I’m willing to do even the crazy porn stuff because I love my husband and I love to make love with him but every time I open up about sex topic he shuts me down and keeps on saying that the more I tell him about it the more he gets disinterested in doing it. Were very open in terms of our phones he knows my password and so as his. I trust him so much and I think he feels the same way towards me. I asked him before if he watches porn and he says yes sometimes. I am the same way but of course I still want to do it in real life, with him.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Y’all are probably right. I would take your advice I know it’s not right o have the kids sleep with us plus it’s our own bed and our own bedroom. I just hope my husband would feel the same way. I love him so much but not having sex for quite some time really makes me feel like I’m going crazy. Not really if this is normal or I’m just selfish.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"but every time I open up about sex topic he shuts me down and keeps on saying that the more I tell him about it the more he gets disinterested in doing it."

Umm, what? Why would talking about sex with your husband cause him to NOT want to have sex? If anything, it should "get him going". Maybe you should ask him who SHOULD you be talking to about sex if not him? 

Could he be mad about something that he's not telling you? Did you ask him if when he wants to watch porn, why doesn't he just get with YOU and get the real thing?


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> "but every time I open up about sex topic he shuts me down and keeps on saying that the more I tell him about it the more he gets disinterested in doing it."
> 
> Umm, what? Why would talking about sex with your husband cause him to NOT want to have sex? If anything, it should "get him going". Maybe you should ask him who SHOULD you be talking to about sex if not him?
> 
> Could he be mad about something that he's not telling you? Did you ask him if when he wants to watch porn, why doesn't he just get with YOU and get the real thing?


I dont really know why he doesn’t like talking about it. Maybe because he is kind of old school like for him one time is enough, we talked about it before so we should stop talking about it now. He told me before that he doesn’t like talking about it because he thinks it’s not a problem. It’s just a simple topic but he didn’t really say anything else after that. I’m thinking maybe the more I open up the topic about the sex the more for him to not wanna do it because he wants to do it whenever he really wants to and because I’m so eager makes him feel of not doing it more so... I’m so sorry if I’m not making any sense. Everyday I would think that oh maybe today is the day that he would want to have sex with me but ofcourse still nothing up to this day. We are actually at this moment apart for only a few days but has nothing to do with my sexless problem. I kind of like that we are apart because I have more time for myself and honestly everyday I sort of really starting of not liking him or he is starting to be unattractive for me. Now I’m really losing my hope in getting some from him and I’m starting to feel like it’s just normal to be in a sexless marriage. I really thought before sexless marriages aren’t real but now that I’m in one I don’t even know what to do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First off get the kids out or your bed, they are too old for that and obviously if the kids are in the bed during the time your best chance to have sex together is, that is going to hinder the chances. Plus I am sure it doesn't set the mood, the bedroom becomes Mom and Dad's room, not husband and wife. 

Besides that porn use would be the first thought. It is a problem in lots of marriages. 

Next check your phone bill. Sometimes this sexless thing happens because of cheating, but usually it's women who don't want to have sex with their partners because they have emotionally bonded with their lovers. But I would think it could happen with some men too. I'm sorry if that is upsetting but you still need to be sure. 

Is he religious, did he grow up in a religious family? How was the sex before you got married? Has he opened up to you sexually?

Have you tried to seduce him? Look we always tell men on here (at least I do) to get in shape and try to emotionally connect with their wives when there is a sex problem, so the same goes for women, but men are more visual when it comes to sex, it's really not emotionally connecting for most. So have you done things to try to get him to think of you sexually? 

Finally you need to talk about this even if he doesn't like it because he will presumably like being divorced a lot less. 

It is my contention when there is a problem, if you don't bring it up to your spouse, you are not being a good partner, no matter the resolution is. Your partner needs to know where they stand even though it is painful.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hes away start putting the kids in there own rm.when he gets home rell him its important that they learn to sleep in their own rm so you have started enforcing that they stay in bed.

Then put the moves on him. If he shuts you down .cry in front of him and tell him this is not normal either we start working on this or I'm going to marriage counceling with or without you. If things don't change maybe you should start looking for a place.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> First off get the kids out or your bed, they are too old for that and obviously if the kids are in the bed during the time your best chance to have sex together is, that is going to hinder the chances. Plus I am sure it doesn't set the mood, the bedroom becomes Mom and Dad's room, not husband and wife.
> 
> Besides that porn use would be the first thought. It is a problem in lots of marriages.
> 
> ...


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Did he want any kids?

What type of contraceptives are you one?

The kids in the bedroom is a real eye opener and can be a turnoff for sure, the thought that in a hot passionate roll on the hay can produce another child sleeping in your bed can put a damper on things!

You guys sound like can use a romantic date night.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Suspicious1 said:


> Did he want any kids?
> 
> What type of contraceptives are you one?
> 
> ...


He used to tell me he will have vasectomy because after our 2nd kid we both agreed we are done but I am not in any contraception at all. He just pulls out and I don’t think I would need one esp now that I’m not even getting any. Maybe that is also his reason but he never said though. We actually went out on our fourth year anniversary and watched a comedy show which turned out really a great date night eventhough we still didn’t have sex that night. I don’t know I’m kind of in a point of just accepting it and if in about I would say 2 years we still don’t have sex I don’t know if I could wait more. I stopped insisting because even when I even go on top of him he shuts me off and I know if it’s a work week he is tired but when he is off on a weekend if ever he would drink and just go straight to sleep. I don’t nag at all maybe because I don’t like arguing especially in front of our kids but I know this is killing me inside so most of the time if time permits that I’m alone or in the shower I just cry and that’s how I feel better at least. Sorry if I got too emotional.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> Our kids sleep with us so normally both our kids are in the middle and it’s been like that for months. We would just kiss good morning and good night. It almost feels like we’re just friends and we just get along because we have kids together.


Well, the kids are literally coming between the two of you every night, so...



> Oh my I sound like a crazy woman now.


Lack of sex will do that.



socalledperfectwife said:


> Before if we would make love, we would have sex before our bed time and just let the kids watch tv, both are still very young like 2 and 3 year olds.


My wife allowed our daughter to be in bed with us for most of her early life. If she would cry, wife would hold her on her chest as a little baby while we were in bed. When daughter got older and too big for chest, she'd still sleep in our bed a lot. I started sleeping on the couch because I was afraid I'd roll over on her.

My wife just couldn't deal with weaning our daughter off of the bed.

Believe me, from personal experience, kids sleeping in the bed for long periods of time will have terrible consequences for your relationship down the road.



> I love my husband and I love to make love with him but every time I open up about sex topic he shuts me down and keeps on saying that the more I tell him about it the more he gets disinterested in doing it.


He feels pressured about it, for some reason. Does he have trouble getting or maintaining an erection? Performance anxiety? In my view, a spouse wanting to have sex is a gift, not a burden.

It's going to be hard but you have to figure out why he won't even talk about it.



> I asked him before if he watches porn and he says yes sometimes. I am the same way but of course I still want to do it in real life, with him.


He might be using it more than you know. Do you feel like you're 'available' to him?

I don't think we'll be able to tell you what is really going on, there's just too much we don't know.

One of my guesses (fueled purely by my personal experiences) is that because the kids take up a lot of time and sleep in your bed, he may, for some reason see you as just the mother of his children and not his wife. He may have turned off his attraction to you because he only sees mommy mode, and not a sexual creature.

But, the more I think about it, it might not be completely the case: it seems you are trying to be that for him, too.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Like several have mentioned you def need to get the kids in their beds. That is possibly half the problem. So when you mention it what does he say? He needs to start showing that he is trying to meet your needs. I am not condoning this but I can see why women have affairs if they are stuck in a situation like this and a the SO won't try to change. This could go both ways


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Get the kids out of your bed. You can't expect any sort of sex life with 2 children in your marital bed. That's where children are made, not where they sleep.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There's more than one room in the house hopefully.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There is such a thing as a Madonna Complex, when a man sees his wife as the mother of his children and can no longer see her as a sexual being. 

Sure, he may have performance anxiety.

I think you under value sex. I don’t understand how you have managed to stay sane doing without as long as you have. If it were me five days would have been too long. Sex is vital to your well being. The relief good sex gives you is fantastic.

You should somehow let your husband know you two do need to talk about it. The problem is already leading to the demise of your relationship, and if he wants to save your marriage the time to do it is now.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I can only see a few avenues in my over-simplified brain:
1) He has a low testosterone problem that isn't making him think/want sex
2) He is masturbating and/or watching porn and constantly self-satisfying and releasing sexual energy without you
3) He has someone else... or isn't into you

As lovely as it is to sleep with your kids close.... its not a good long-term lifestyle and needs to end. Especially if you are having sexual problems... this is going to be a major challenge.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

socalledperfectwife said:


> it’s been about 4 or maybe 5 or more months since we had sex.
> 
> Our kids sleep with us so normally both our kids are in the middle and it’s been like that for months.


Gee, I wonder why you're not having sex.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

socalledperfectwife said:


> Thanks for all the reply. I don’t know how to reply individually. Sorry it’s my first time here. The kids have their own rooms but I don’t know they end up sleeping with us so then they just get used to it.


You are responsible for this.

Start watching a couple episodes of Supernanny every day for the next month or so. You AND your husband. You're going to see a pattern: the kids ruling the home and the parents becoming unsatisfied with the marriage because of it.

You're the adult. BE the adult. Put them in their beds. Keep them there. Yes, it really is that simple. They look to YOU for guidance and rules. YOU bending the rules doesn't make it right.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

socalledperfectwife said:


> Y’all are probably right. I would take your advice I know it’s not right o have the kids sleep with us plus it’s our own bed and our own bedroom. I just hope my husband would feel the same way. I love him so much but not having sex for quite some time really makes me feel like I’m going crazy. Not really if this is normal or I’m just selfish.


Most men marry a woman because they want to BE with that woman and have SEX with that woman. Not be share a bed with kids. I guarantee he never envisioned sharing his bed - YOUR bed - with the kids. 

And the more you tell him you're not happy - without YOU doing the work to keep the romance flowing - the more it sounds to him like a b*tchfest on HIM; i.e. you are blaming HIM for not making things right, when YOU have the power all along to get those kids back in their rooms.

And here's one really important thing you need to know about men. Nearly every man has the same top three Emotional Needs: sex, fun, and admiration. You b*tching at him shows you no longer admire him. So guess how HE feels? btw, read His Needs Her Needs pronto.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/hi...rsTRk9252AIVi7jACh1EcQ_jEAQYASABEgIhKPD_BwE#/


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Volunteer86 said:


> Like several have mentioned you def need to get the kids in their beds. That is possibly half the problem. So when you mention it what does he say? He needs to start showing that he is trying to meet your needs. I am not condoning this but I can see why women have affairs if they are stuck in a situation like this and a the SO won't try to change. This could go both ways





username77 said:


> Get the kids out of your bed. You can't expect any sort of sex life with 2 children in your marital bed. That's where children are made, not where they sleep.





john117 said:


> There's more than one room in the house hopefully.


Yes they have their own rooms. We are currently apart, about 3 hours away so I have the kids for a week now but we will be back together this coming Sunday when I drive back to his work area. We have 2 places so we constantly travel especially during the holidays. I would definitely tell him to not let the kids sleep with us, hopefully he would agree. It was a mistake letting them sleep in our bed in the first place. I just hope that he will think the same. Meet my needs? To be honest I never thought as a wife and mom I have needs. I am not even asking him for anything and I’m really contented financially and emotionally esp him towards our kids. He is a really responsible guy. The only thing is just really not having sex. I know for some people it’s a big deal. But now that it’s been more than 5 or 6 months I can’t even tell exactly last time we had sex. Now I look back to our sex life it’s really dull and I could count number of times we’ve ever done a passionate sex during our 5 year relationship. But I would not cheat on him for this plus I don’t go out at all unless we are together and I can say I’m pretty loyal unless we divorce ofcourse but I’m still not looking forward on doing that especially our kids are still young. I can’t do anything for a few days now. I’m just getting myself busy with my studying then soon will be working again. Every time I think of sex, the sex we’ve had I can’t even remember exactly when I just try to focus on something else maybe that’s why he sees me always moving constantly. I would try sometimes make jokes but he doesn’t really get it. I don’t know I guess he just lost his interest with me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Explain the work and home thing. Whose idea was that? When did it start? What exactly is the schedule? Do you work at all? Full-time student? Kids are under 5? Are you giving him at least 10 hours a week WITHOUT the kids around? That is a must - you must continue to DATE each other whether you have kids or not, or you will not stay in love.

He hasn't lost interest in you; he's disappointed that his 'marriage' instantly turned into fatherhood and he never got to enjoy a regular sex life with the woman he's attracted to.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

I would definitely move the kids back to their rooms this coming Sunday when we are all together after the holiday vacation. Even if he doesn’t want it I’m the one in control on that part anyway because 9 out of 10 I’m the last person to go to sleep after cleaning up after dinner and putting the kids to sleep anyway. Most of the time actually he is already snoring when I go to bed. I know I should not have let the kids sleep with us right in the beginning. In terms of improving myself I have already lost all the pregnancy weight so I’m back to my old weight. I shower everyday and he knows it and even complements me because I smell good and he loves my cologne as well oh well he bought it for me lol I even make sure I shave at least every other day. I have smooth legs I think or at least that’s what my husband used to say. I would actually try to at least do my hair before he comes home and there are times he would complement me about it so I think I’ve been trying. I just need to really figure out why he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I don’t think at all that he is cheating because I don’t feel it plus we both can track each other. We share the same bank account. We both know each other’s code to our phones. I know his email passwords, he knows mine as well. And I told him that once I found out he is cheating, he knows divorce is next, no explanation because he knows my belief when it comes to cheating so I don’t think he is cheating on me and I trust him on that area. I just don’t really know. Dang sometimes I just feel maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should just wait we will have sex in a few years. Is it normal to not have sex with your husband for 6 months? I am the only one in this kind of situation? This past holiday all my in laws and even own relatives and friends would always say that we are a perfect couple and we have a perfect family. Honestly, I think we are almost perfect expect we don’t have sex ofcourse they don’t know that. Oh crazy life...


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

turnera said:


> Explain the work and home thing. Whose idea was that? When did it start? What exactly is the schedule? Do you work at all? Full-time student? Kids are under 5? Are you giving him at least 10 hours a week WITHOUT the kids around? That is a must - you must continue to DATE each other whether you have kids or not, or you will not stay in love.
> 
> He hasn't lost interest in you; he's disappointed that his 'marriage' instantly turned into fatherhood and he never got to enjoy a regular sex life with the woman he's attracted to.


I’m a stay at home mom but working on my License. My husband is the sole provider and he is great with that. I don’t have any problems with him even with the kids. Sorry if I got you confused with the work and home thing it really has nothing to do with the problem. We are always together, it’s just first this past holiday the road is so icy and it’s a 4 hour drive so we’ve decided to just stay at our main house and I’ll just drive to the other place we have where he is staying right now. But we will be together this coming Sunday. You are probably right about not having to enjoy just us because I got pregnant within the first year that we lived in together and got married then boom 2 kids and maybe it has a lot to do with that.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> Is it normal to not have sex with your husband for 6 months?


Whole bunch of people post here about never having sex. You're not alone.

Something just dawned on me:
You live in multiple houses, and there's driving involved.

It might be a bit more difficult to wean the kids out of your bed, because it feels like your family is always on the move/they don't feel like they have a secure bed. I wish the best in that, though, because it is still required.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

We would go out without the kids sometimes but only I would say just twice last year because we couldn’t find a really trustworthy babysitter. He would always say that he really appreciates having a wife like me. I would say I take care of the kids even when I’m studying online, I would bring the kids with everywhere I go. I would cook for him everyday. I would clean everyday. There are times I would even show up at his job and bring him food. I would even buy his beers and cigars because he is such a great provider for me and the kids and I know not all men are like that. I am just so active think too much that there are times I remember before I would be the one doing all the work whenever we have sex then all of a sudden he would snore and litterally fall asleep while I’m on top of him. I just try to be positive that maybe he is tired.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

He doesn't have mommy issues, does he?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It has everything to do with that. I know you're studying, but please get His Needs Her Needs asap. You can download it, I think. It explains exactly what's happening in your marriage. And no, it's not normal to not have sex. The ONLY other reason it could be happening is the offside chance he doesn't like women once they've had kids (very rare) but since you've had two, I doubt that's it.

This is all about you no longer having romance. He married you for romance and fun and sex. He's getting NONE of that now. He's just a working machine, in his mind. He's just a paycheck. 

So if you are always at the 'other' place where he works, you need to find a permanent babysitter there who will come watch your kids once a week so that you and he can go on a date. A real date with romance and trying new things (restaurants, movies, plays, sporting events, whatever) and, yes, sex. Get a hotel room each weekend, if you have to and just go there for the sex and check out after 3 hours.

Explain more about him falling asleep during sex.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> He used to tell me he will have vasectomy because after our 2nd kid we both agreed we are done but I am not in any contraception at all. He just pulls out and I don’t think I would need one esp now that I’m not even getting any. Maybe that is also his reason but he never said though. We actually went out on our fourth year anniversary and watched a comedy show which turned out really a great date night eventhough we still didn’t have sex that night. I don’t know I’m kind of in a point of just accepting it and if in about I would say 2 years we still don’t have sex I don’t know if I could wait more. I stopped insisting because even when I even go on top of him he shuts me off and I know if it’s a work week he is tired but when he is off on a weekend if ever he would drink and just go straight to sleep. I don’t nag at all maybe because I don’t like arguing especially in front of our kids but I know this is killing me inside so most of the time if time permits that I’m alone or in the shower I just cry and that’s how I feel better at least. Sorry if I got too emotional.


I had just posted this in another thread but I will post this on here too. 

I always tell the men on here, if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, I would assume that your wife doesn't want to have sex WITH YOU. Not she doesn't want to have sex. The same holds true for husbands in my mind. 

I know that is painful but I will bring up the story that I always post on these types of threads. 

I read a post from some guy on another board once which totally changed my mind about sexless marriage forever, he said.

When my wife stopped having sex with me I assumed and she said it was because she went through the change of life and she lost her sexual drive. I loved her and I accepted she just didn't want to have sex anymore. We had a good marriage and even though it was painful I was willing to accept that because I loved her. However when I found out she had an affair a few years later I realized that it wasn't that she didn't want to have sex it's that she didn't want to have sex WITH ME. 

Now that is an awful thing to read I am sure. It still pains me to write it. But it is a better mindset to have as his original mindset left him vulnerable. The truth is he thought he had a good marriage, but he really didn't. Because for most people and obviously you SEX is a major part of marriage. She had completely abandoned a whole part of it. If marriage is a stool then sex is one of the legs. Remove that is you have a broken marriage in my mind. She may have not even understood that about herself. I still think that last sentence in the previous paragraph should be the working assumption for anyone in a sexless marriage. It is just a much safer mindset. 

Also because of that I now believe for the most part sexless marriages are unsustainable. Do some survive? Sure but I think the ones that do just played out the clock. I wouldn't call them good marriages, and if there were no clock eventually unless both parties are A-sexual they would not last. I also feel that a-sexuality is rare. A lot of times it just sexuality that has not been cultivated for whatever reason. Most healthy people have a sexual nature, they may not even know it. 

You are still young, to just give up on this part of yourself isn't going to fix it, it's just going to push the eventually failure of your marriage down the road. If you were 65 I would think maybe you can run out the clock, but you are no were near that. Your sexuality is a big part of who you are. What if I told you, you are not going to to have emotional intimacy in your relationship for the rest of your life? Would you accept it? Why are you willing to accept a lack of physical intimacy? 

It's not good, it's not smart. You are both vulnerable, eventually you are going to start being tempted, you even said it has made you start to resent him. Besides that unless you can prove he is a-sexual he still has a sexual nature. He may want to start being sexually active again, and it may not be with you because you have established patterns where he doesn't see you in a sexual way. So like my story it may be that he doesn't want to have sex with you, he may not even know that yet. That can change by the way. 

Finally you need to both really talk about this. Talk about going to a sex therapist. Don't assume that it is going to be fixed in one night. But it needs to be a work in progress. This is just as important as building a financial partnership, which also takes work. Abandon the sexual aspect of your relationship at your own risk. I think since he shuts you down and doesn't want to talk about it, you should write him a letter and put all your thoughts into it, but the letter needs to say that a sexual relationship is necessary for you to have a good marriage. You can do it in a loving and entreating way, but even though he may not like it and it may make him uncomfortable it is actually the right thing to do. His marriage failing would be a lot worse. A good partner sometimes needs to challenge their partner when they are hurting themselves. He is hurting himself and it's going to destroy his marriage. His wife and mother if his children is starving.

One last painful question. Is there a possibility he is gay?


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

I doubt he is gay but I appreciate your opinion and after reading every word of it I never really looked on that kind of perspective and thank you really.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

I don’t think he would go with me on a sex therapist he doesn’t believe any kind of therapist or marriage therapy or so. I opened this up before but just turns into a big argument because I think he knows that I’m weak in terms of arguments that I would just end up giving up on it and apologize although he apologized in the past but didn’t really do anything about it. I’m still in my 30s so I guess I’m still not late. Honestly I still love him and never imagined myself with anybody else but seems like maybe you are right. He may like to have sex but not just with me.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

When it comes to falling asleep while we’re having sex. He stays erected actually even when he’s snoring so it’s really impressive so I don’t think he has erection problems. He just falls asleep maybe because he usually comes after like hours of us being so passionate with each other. Don’t know if I’m explaining it right. He is usually drunk though at least last time I remember we had sex. I just was so horny so I didn’t care if he was drunk I just went on top of him and did all the work but he then still fell asleep because I heard him snore and he has done that in the past so ofcourse what would you do after that I just stopped and just went to sleep.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Fix the marriage first. The sex will come once you've done that.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

socalledperfectwife said:


> *I would definitely move the kids back to their rooms this coming Sunday* when we are all together after the holiday vacation. Even if he doesn’t want it I’m the one in control on that part anyway because 9 out of 10 I’m the last person to go to sleep after cleaning up after dinner and putting the kids to sleep anyway. Most of the time actually he is already snoring when I go to bed. I know I should not have let the kids sleep with us right in the beginning. In terms of improving myself I have already lost all the pregnancy weight so I’m back to my old weight. I shower everyday and he knows it and even complements me because I smell good and he loves my cologne as well oh well he bought it for me lol I even make sure I shave at least every other day. I have smooth legs I think or at least that’s what my husband used to say. I would actually try to at least do my hair before he comes home and there are times he would complement me about it so I think I’ve been trying. I just need to really figure out why he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I don’t think at all that he is cheating because I don’t feel it plus we both can track each other. We share the same bank account. We both know each other’s code to our phones. I know his email passwords, he knows mine as well. And I told him that once I found out he is cheating, he knows divorce is next, no explanation because he knows my belief when it comes to cheating so I don’t think he is cheating on me and I trust him on that area. I just don’t really know. Dang sometimes I just feel maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should just wait we will have sex in a few years. Is it normal to not have sex with your husband for 6 months? I am the only one in this kind of situation? This past holiday all my in laws and even own relatives and friends would always say that we are a perfect couple and we have a perfect family. Honestly, I think we are almost perfect expect we don’t have sex ofcourse they don’t know that. Oh crazy life...


Why not tonight?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

"He is usually drunk though at least last time I remember we had sex. "

He is drunk all night every night? Or just by the time kids go to sleep?

Sounds like he needs to sober up.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> "He is usually drunk though at least last time I remember we had sex. "
> 
> He is drunk all night every night? Or just by the time kids go to sleep?
> 
> Sounds like he needs to sober up.


He only gets drunk occasionally but he drinks everyday though like 3-4 bottles a night after a day’s work.I think I’m part at fault of that as well because I buy his beers. I’m kind of thinking right now that maybe he doesn’t see me attractive anymore because before we got married I had my own career, my own money but after we had kids I quit my job and just focus on the kids although we both agreed on that. Maybe he thinks I’m boring and unattractive.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

I can’t do it tonight because he is in the other place and we’re staying at our main house for only a few days until the weather gets better so when we’re together again most likely this Sunday I’ll tell him for sure that we should have the kids sleep in their own beds.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> He only gets drunk occasionally but he drinks everyday though like 3-4 bottles a night after a day’s work.I think I’m part at fault of that as well because I buy his beers. I’m kind of thinking right now that maybe he doesn’t see me attractive anymore because before we got married I had my own career, my own money but after we had kids I quit my job and just focus on the kids although we both agreed on that. Maybe he thinks I’m boring and unattractive.


Write him a letter. Then you can have solid points that he can't argue with, we have all given you stuff to write I think. Honestly he doesn't sound like the greatest husband right now, if he is fighting you about sex something is really wrong. Having your partner fall asleep more then once during sex could really be disheartening, he is lucky you still want to have it with him. Not saying your marriage is doomed but it needs to be fixed and he needs to stop discounting your feelings. You are not wrong for being, disheartened, dissatisfied and even angry. 

Also just because maybe he is unattracted to you doesn't mean YOU are unattractive. 

Don't let my post spiral you into despair that was not the purpose. It was to get you to see that this is more important then you think, and it's not something you can just ignore in your relationship. Soon you are going to get angry and eventually you may want out. That is normally how this goes. You are in your 30s, for most women you haven't even hit your peak yet.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> I can’t do it tonight because he is in the other place and we’re staying at our main house for only a few days until the weather gets better so when we’re together again most likely this Sunday I’ll tell him for sure that we should have the kids sleep in their own beds.


Where is this other place? Does he stay there a lot?


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > I can’t do it tonight because he is in the other place and we’re staying at our main house for only a few days until the weather gets better so when we’re together again most likely this Sunday I’ll tell him for sure that we should have the kids sleep in their own beds.
> ...


No he doesn’t stay there a lot, just one time because of the holidays and the weather and it’s our mutual decision because it’s only for a week. We have been together throughout our marriage even when he worked in a different state we are always together


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> No he doesn’t stay there a lot, just one time because of the holidays and the weather and it’s our mutual decision because it’s only for a week. We have been together throughout our marriage even when he worked in a different state we are always together


OK, continual purposeful daily separation without sex is a red flag you know right?


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > He only gets drunk occasionally but he drinks everyday though like 3-4 bottles a night after a day’s work.I think I’m part at fault of that as well because I buy his beers. I’m kind of thinking right now that maybe he doesn’t see me attractive anymore because before we got married I had my own career, my own money but after we had kids I quit my job and just focus on the kids although we both agreed on that. Maybe he thinks I’m boring and unattractive.
> ...



I actually have written him a letter before about this but not the whole thing I just told him I miss us. I miss him hugging me tightly. I miss miss him being so passionate with me but it didn’t go well because he said right away that he thinks he has given enough to me and it’s like as if I’m being too demanding and so ofcourse same store I gave in and eventually said sorry. I really hope that when the kids sleep on their own we would be having sex again but I don’t know I’m just trying to be really positive. Honestly now I just say good morning and good night with him and that’s totally not me. I love touching him. I love kissing him but seems like he lost his interest in me. Once the kids are in school which won’t be long, once I get a job after I get my license at least I will have a career again and hopefully he would want to be with me again and look at me as an attractive woman again he used to see but if not oh well I’m gonna do this for myself and my kids so I can move on, have my own money again. Now I just feel that sex is not even a need for me. It’s sad for me because I used to look forward in doing it but because I’m not getting it from my husband makes me feel like I don’t want it anymore or maybe I am liking him anymore because of the way he is treating me. I’m sorry y’all I’m getting so deep and emotional now. I have no one to talk to but this forum. I can’t even talk to my friends because I don’t like them to hate him that’s why I just keep everything to myself and ofcourse here.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > No he doesn’t stay there a lot, just one time because of the holidays and the weather and it’s our mutual decision because it’s only for a week. We have been together throughout our marriage even when he worked in a different state we are always together
> ...


I honestly didn’t know that. Maybe I should really look further into his phone and his activities. I don’t really think he is cheating or maybe because I know i would never cheat and I trust him 100% that’s why I never look at a way if he is cheating or not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> I honestly didn’t know that. Maybe I should really look further into his phone and his activities. I don’t really think he is cheating or maybe because I know i would never cheat and I trust him 100% that’s why I never look at a way if he is cheating or not.


Not saying he is but you post does have some red flags in it. Trusting 100% when we are talking about human nature is probably a mistake in my mind. 99%, yeah as long as you see no warning signs.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > I honestly didn’t know that. Maybe I should really look further into his phone and his activities. I don’t really think he is cheating or maybe because I know i would never cheat and I trust him 100% that’s why I never look at a way if he is cheating or not.
> ...



I really hope not. I love him so much but maybe because I’m trusting so much that I don’t see what others see esp for some people who were cheated before. I have some family members who have been cheated before and I always ask them why it takes them a long time before they find out. They always say there were no signs. And with my husband I know I haven’t really seen anything that would suspect him cheating. I look at his phone and I don’t really see anything but he actually has more chance if he would cheat because the kids are with me constantly all the time unlike him but during his off days he stays with the kids while I run errands both we both have locators on our phones but we did it for emergency purpose and I don’t really see anything wrong with that. What do y’all think?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> I really hope not. I love him so much but maybe because I’m trusting so much that I don’t see what others see esp for some people who were cheated before. I have some family members who have been cheated before and I always ask them why it takes them a long time before they find out. They always say there were no signs. And with my husband I know I haven’t really seen anything that would suspect him cheating. I look at his phone and I don’t really see anything but he actually has more chance if he would cheat because the kids are with me constantly all the time unlike him but during his off days he stays with the kids while I run errands both we both have locators on our phones but we did it for emergency purpose and I don’t really see anything wrong with that. What do y’all think?


Part of your problem seems to be kid overload. Ever thought about going on a small vacation without them? Let the grandparents handle them a little?


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > I honestly didn’t know that. Maybe I should really look further into his phone and his activities. I don’t really think he is cheating or maybe because I know i would never cheat and I trust him 100% that’s why I never look at a way if he is cheating or not.
> ...


I don’t really see any warning signs. Not having sex with I guess that’s a big sign there, I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe he is afraid again that I would get pregnant but we can afford to buy a pill or he just doesn’t wanna do vasectomy. I don’t know a lot of things going through my mind. Probablybecause of lack of sex lol sorry yall


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Again don't get paranoid. Just be a little more mindful is all I am saying.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > I really hope not. I love him so much but maybe because I’m trusting so much that I don’t see what others see esp for some people who were cheated before. I have some family members who have been cheated before and I always ask them why it takes them a long time before they find out. They always say there were no signs. And with my husband I know I haven’t really seen anything that would suspect him cheating. I look at his phone and I don’t really see anything but he actually has more chance if he would cheat because the kids are with me constantly all the time unlike him but during his off days he stays with the kids while I run errands both we both have locators on our phones but we did it for emergency purpose and I don’t really see anything wrong with that. What do y’all think?
> ...


No responsible grandparents, babysitter maybe but I don’t know and I don’t really see him getting excited on vacation planning. I am always the one who does the planning. Even on our last anniversary I was the one who planned it. I have no problems in planning but I don’t really the enthusiasm in him whenever I say something about it. He always wants the kids to go with us and I feel like I’m a bad parent for not wanting the kids come with us.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Again don't get paranoid. Just be a little more mindful is all I am saying.



I will definitely keep that in mind. Thanks so much.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

If you have nothing against sterilization (vasectomy, or tubal ligation) then talk to him about scheduling one of those, instead of talking about sex. Of course he is afraid of pregnancy, the pull out method is not very effective. you are on the path to returning to your career, and he wants to help you with that. you are agreed no more kids, so do away with the possibility.

In the mean time, would oral sex make either of you happy?


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> If you have nothing against sterilization (vasectomy, or tubal ligation) then talk to him about scheduling one of those, instead of talking about sex. Of course he is afraid of pregnancy, the pull out method is not very effective. you are on the path to returning to your career, and he wants to help you with that. you are agreed no more kids, so do away with the possibility.
> 
> I’m open to anything honestly and the very first time he did it on me it’s the first, one time, and last time for the 5 years of us together. I always do it to him actually and I love doing it. Maybe because I talk too much like in a comedic way about sex that’s why he doesn’t like doing it I don’t really know sometimes I would make jokes that I miss his d*** and I would touch it in the morning and I know if we would just lock the door we can do it but ofcourse I would not force him but he still would not do it. Even when I touch his d*** in the morning he would shut me down and I’m really getting tired of trying because I feel that I am on the wrong for being horny all the time.
> 
> In the mean time, would oral sex make either of you happy?


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

socalledperfectwife said:


> Mr. Nail said:
> 
> 
> > If you have nothing against sterilization (vasectomy, or tubal ligation) then talk to him about scheduling one of those, instead of talking about sex. Of course he is afraid of pregnancy, the pull out method is not very effective. you are on the path to returning to your career, and he wants to help you with that. you are agreed no more kids, so do away with the possibility.
> ...


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

socalledperfectwife said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > Mr. Nail said:
> ...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

I agree with the vasectomy or tubal. I was willing before when we had our second kid I’ll do the tubal because it’s better to do it when you are having a baby so it’s only 1 surgery instead of 2. He was the one who volunteered to do the vasectomy because I’ve read it’s less risky than tubal. I will definitely talk to him about it but if not I’ll just do the tubal. Hopefully it will help but if not I don’t know what else to do.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

notmyrealname4 said:


> He's likely terrified of getting you pregnant and having a third kid in the bed with you. The withdrawal method is not a sustainable method of birth control. You need to take care of birth control, right after you get the kids out of the bed.
> 
> 
> Are you sure he's not wanking to porn for hours and hours each week? Maybe when he's at the other home that he stays at?


We rarely have sex that’s why there’s really no need for pills. But if he tells me next time we talk that I should get tubal I really have no problem in getting a tubal. I just hope it will solve the problem. He doesn’t have that chance because we are always together and I mean together as in all the time expect he is in the garage and if he gets bored he always has a project like last holidays he made a tree house for the kids and I mean he keeps himself busy. There were times though that I would be surprise that he has his phone with him when he goes to the bathroom. But I never talked to him about that though.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

That's not much to go on. I do the vast majority of Facebooking while on the toilet.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

He might be turned off if you’re being too direct with sexual requests. Try a subtle approach, a feminine approach. When my wife initiates, I instinctively play hard to get, i don’t know why. She will work me up until I just take over. But she never asks for it, it is just her actions.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

JayDee7 said:


> He might be turned off if you’re being too direct with sexual requests. Try a subtle approach, a feminine approach. When my wife initiates, I instinctively play hard to get, i don’t know why. She will work me up until I just take over. But she never asks for it, it is just her actions.



You are probably right. I used to be hard to get I think that’s one of the reasons why he married me I think and liked me in the first place. I never asked for anything but the more I ask for something the more he would not give it to me when it comes to material things. I think I would try to play hard to get and I hope something will change. I hope.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

socalledperfectwife said:


> I actually have written him a letter before about this but not the whole thing *I just told him I miss us. I miss him hugging me tightly. I miss miss him being so passionate with me but it didn’t go well* because he said right away that he thinks he has given enough to me and it’s like as if I’m being too demanding and so ofcourse same store I gave in and eventually said sorry. I really hope that when the kids sleep on their own we would be having sex again but I don’t know I’m just trying to be really positive. Honestly now I just say good morning and good night with him and that’s totally not me. I love touching him. I love kissing him but seems like he lost his interest in me. Once the kids are in school which won’t be long, once I get a job after I get my license at least I will have a career again and hopefully he would want to be with me again and look at me as an attractive woman again he used to see but if not oh well I’m gonna do this for myself and my kids so I can move on, have my own money again. Now I just feel that sex is not even a need for me. It’s sad for me because I used to look forward in doing it but because I’m not getting it from my husband makes me feel like I don’t want it anymore or maybe I am liking him anymore because of the way he is treating me. I’m sorry y’all I’m getting so deep and emotional now. I have no one to talk to but this forum. I can’t even talk to my friends because I don’t like them to hate him that’s why I just keep everything to myself and ofcourse here.


You don't really seem to be listening to the advice. Most of us have told you that YOU can be making changes here to fix this, but you're not even discussing those changes - just heading right to 'I'll leave him alone and maybe I'll just divorce him.'

Guess what? You'll have the exact same problems in your next marriage. Because you're not addressing what YOU do.

Like the bolded part above? It's exactly what I told you - men have to be admired and you basically just BLAMED him for making you unhappy. Of course he walked away from that conversation. You took no responsibility.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

One trip Down in 5 years is a pretty good indicator that he doesn't like going there. Next stop Toys.

What I am thinking is that he feels under pressure a lot on this topic. Sometimes it is very helpful if you can release the pressure. 

But I get confused here because cracking jokes usually breaks the pressure. Are you sure it's the jokes he doesn't like. 

You could try a silent seduction. (hint) bring condoms.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm still confused why the kids aren't out of the bed tonight?

I get he's not there but they need daily training to learn how to sleep in another room. The first few nights/weeks will be hard because they will want the attention and comfort of sleeping with adults. 

For this to work they need to be out every night even if one parent is not there.

I'd also check on porn use or an affair. Something is definitely off. Find a babysitter. I know it can be scary but soooo necessary. Have to get out of mommy/daddy mode and into vixen mode. 

3 beers a day is an alcoholic.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Personally I don't think you sound bad at all. I don't think you are the problem. I think he sound like a very disinterested selfish guy who was always a pretty selfish lover you just over looked it. Now he doesn't feel like having sex so you aren't having sex. You may be doing things that don't work for him sexually but he can't even talk to about sex. Which in my opinion is weak. He sounds like a perfect candidate for a walk away wife in about 10 years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I didn't say she was the problem. I said she has the ability to FIX things, and yet isn't addressing those solutions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mots of us here have told the the op that she must get the children in their own beds/rooms and that isn't helping. That's the first step and until she does this nothing will change. So the ball is in her court now.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

anastasia6 said:


> I'm still confused why the kids aren't out of the bed tonight?
> 
> I get he's not there but they need daily training to learn how to sleep in another room. The first few nights/weeks will be hard because they will want the attention and comfort of sleeping with adults.
> 
> ...


When i had to. Take classes for a dwi 32 yrs ago the definition of an acoholic was someone who couldn't stop once they started.

If they had one drink then it lead them to continue until they were drunk.

With that said the beer today espically craft beers can be high in alochol. Some are 9% or more. If i drink 3 9% beers then i am defiantly catching a buzz.

3 miller lights pftt can't even feel it.


Awhile ago i was pounding 3 craft beers 3 to for time a week and it definatly was a problem . Made me tired gave me loose bowles ,heart burn just made me feel crappy. I don't think i was an alcholic but i realised that they were messing with my system and making be feel poorly.

So i switched to miller light. And then i just cut down now i drink only occasionally. Maybe 2 beers a week at most or if the holidays maybe a little more .

Don't really miss it . Could take it or leave it.

Don't really like feeling buzzed anyways.

Coffee now lol love my coffee.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> anastasia6 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm still confused why the kids aren't out of the bed tonight?
> ...


Thank you for all the messages. Yes my husband drinks everyday. I’m not really sure if I should confront him to cut back on his drinking. I think it’s his decision. He used to smoke and stopped because he knows I don’t smoke and never liked it but I never told him to stop. He just stopped on his own decision and I’m happy for that. I do think though that his regular drinking of beer affect esp with the heartburn issue, he takes at least 2 heartburn pills everyday. He is a great provider and a great man overall really. We may have problems with no sex now I’m just positive that it will get resolved. I have my own issues as well. It’s sad sometimes. Marriage is definitely a hard work. There are times I miss being single. Waking up with silence. Drinking coffee any time of the day. Watching tv and just doing nothing. Oh life...


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