# First time victim



## denver41 (Jun 2, 2009)

Hi, I just joined this forum after reading some of the posts. I'm truly frightened by the stories on here - has anyone been cheated on and worked through it for the betterment of their relationship?

My wife and I have been married for 11 months. In January of this year we found out we were having a baby. Both of us were very happy and were getting along great. However, in late February, she had a miscarriage and became emotionally distraught. 

She told me that she was depressed and I asked her to see a therapist but she declined. However, she started drinking a lot. In April, she went away with a friend (who is an enabler in my opinion) out of town. As I found out a couple of days ago, she met a guy there and had sex with him. 

Over the course of the next month and a half, they traded text messages and a few phone calls back and forth. There were about 400 communications in all. I found this out when I got the phone bill. Through a background check on the number, I found he lives in another state.

I confronter her and she denied it at first and said I had no right to accuse her of such a thing. After presenting my evidence, she said they were just friends and nothing had happened. I told her I didn't believe her. The next day I hacked into her email and found a couple of emails that indicated they did have sex. 

After showing her the email, she finally admitted to cheating on me. I made her leave the house and told her I was filing for divorce. We have talked every day since then (it's only been a few days). In our conversations, amidst all the crying, she is now taking 100% responsibility. 

She claims to not know why she did it and says she was so drunk she barely remembers it (her email chain supports this - in one email she asked him if anything happened). She says she hates herself for what she's done to me and can't face her friends and family, though she did tell her mother that she cheated on me. 

She is looking for a place to live and has told me she has ended the conversations with the guy and has stopped drinking. She is starting individual counseling tonight and has asked me to go to couples counseling with her. She has begged me over and over that she will do anything I want to save this relationship.

Now here's where I struggle - after reading so many posts on here, I see a similar pattern. I'm worried she's just trying to manipulate me to take her back. Can people fix this behavior? Does anyone have a success story? Or should I end this relationship and move on?


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## MyKidsMom (Feb 5, 2008)

It's all about what you can handle, If you take her back, never look back dont beat her or yourself up about the past. Yes you can get things on track again, It's just how much to the both of you want it.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

I can tell u from my experience that it will be the toughest decisions ever. But my marriage did not last cause she wasnt willing to work it out when i offered to. But if u do take her back. tell her that u will be checking up on her all the time until u are satisfied that she is not talking to the other guy. I was told that they stopped talking and they never did. Its a hard decision and I hope u make the right decision. I would try and fix it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It sounds like PTSD. After loosing her baby, she just didn't care anymore. Now that she realizes that she could lose you. She is terrified. If there was a time to consider counseling and reconciliation, it's now. JMHO.


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## ImBroken (May 18, 2009)

My wife cheated on me. It took 3 years for her to confess. Guilt ate her up. The emotional affair lasted 6 months. It ended when they had sex for the 1st time. She said it was the biggest mistake of her life. She also told our parents looking for forgiveness. I have forgiven her. I have not forgot. She only told me 6 months ago so it is still fresh. We are okay now. She treats me like a wife should. She is 100% open with me in ALL aspects of life. Very transparent. We are humble again and apprieciate each other a better. It is possible I think to work it out. As long as she is ready to be like an open book all the time.
She also sounds like she needs to quit drinking.
If you are having visions of them try tricking your brain into thinking it was something that happened before you met her. Its working for me. Kids do a number on a relationship in the early years of life. I would think she deserves 1 chance if she is ready to live up to her vows.
Good Luck my friend.


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## denver41 (Jun 2, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. We share our phone service and I get the bill. One thing that you can do online is check calls and texts from the night before. I've been doing that every day and so far no contact with the other guy and so far she has been honest about who she has talked to. Also, she says she hasn't had a drop of alcohol in 6 days, a good start I guess.

We have been talking and were on the phone for 2 hours last night after she got back from her first individual counseling session. The call I think was a bit of a disappointment to us both. She wanted to focus forward on how to fix things and I still have unanswered questions about the past. We agreed to save that discussion for our couples therapy session tomorrow. 

Damn, this is so hard, but thanks again for the replies, it helps a ton!


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## verysademily (Jan 4, 2009)

hi yes the stories on here are scary. All I can say is i found out about my husband nearly a year ago, he cheated several times. I decided to make a go of it and we are closer than ever. the only thing i would say is the trust is hard to get back, i know some people can put it behind them, i still think about it every day. its hard. but worth it.


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Whether this can be fixed is up to you. Each of us handle things differently. If you want to try and fix this there are a few things from her I suggest you require. If she's remorseful and truly wants to repair your marriage, she'll do whatever it takes.
1. No contact whatsoever with the OM
2. Individual and couples counseling
3. Complete and total honesty in every aspect of life.
4. Complete transparency on her part. (Access to emails, cell phones)

Let her know the consequences if she violates any of the above. (You will immediately contact an attorney and begin divorce proceedings)

There will also be some things required from you. Let her know about these.
1. Participate actively in counseling
2. Complete and total honesty
3. Transparency on your part
4. Do not hang this over her head, or take out your anger on her. (You will get angry and want to just yell and scream at her)
5. Identify, accept responsiblity, and work to change your shortcomings.

Above all else, infidelity is a violation of trust. The two of you need to work together to rebuild this. It will not happen overnite. In many instances it takes years to rebuild. 
Getting your wife to be honest, accept responsiblity, and agree to work on fixing the marriage is half the battle.

Good Luck.


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## sunshynrn (Jun 3, 2009)

I too am a first time victim, and also found out from the cell phone bill, when my husband had over 3000 minutes on his line in one month, I was only looking for how someone could spend that much time on the phone, I found out, numerous 2am three hours calls. At first he denied it, then came clean that he had been seeing someone else. I was devastated. I only found out in April, so my life is still turned upside down. I was finally glad to see some replies from people who have worked it out, I was begining to think I had made a big mistake but wanted to make my marriage work. We have been together for ten years, married for nine, two boys ages 5 and 7, we have had our tough times like everyone, but I never thought he would do this to me. In December, he started drinking again after being sober for ten months, when he went to work builiding a log home for a couple. Not that he isn't responsible for his own actions, but he didn't need encouragement either. He started staying at their home at night because he would be drinking, which did not go over well with me I admit, so we started arguing about his drinking and not coming home for days, and next thing I know, months later, he's been seeing someone else, and the couple he had been working for was trying to fix him up with others, behind me back. Good for us he has cut all ties with them. And I can honestly say I forgive him, and what is done is done, it can't be taken back. But that doesn't mean the hurt is gone. Most of my thoughts each day are of him with another woman, blaming myself, thinking there must be something wrong with me. I just keep telling myself, time will heal things, and as our relationship gets better and stronger, it will get easier. I am all ears for any advice from anyone who has had success in keeping their marriage together. Keep your chin up denver41, thats what I am gonna do.


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## denver41 (Jun 2, 2009)

Thanks for all the kind responses. There are some good people out there.


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