# Am I overthinking things about our compatibility?



## snowmtns9 (Jun 21, 2017)

I love my wife very much and there are so many great things that I love about us and our relationship, we've been married 2 years and together for 3 years (5 years total). However, there are things about our relationship that makes me overthink what our compatibility could be long-term; maybe call it a gut-feeling.

For example, I have always been a put family first type of person and help/support family when need be. I get along with my family very easily and like being around them. On the other hand, my wife gets easily agitated when spending too much time with her family and always likes to leave before they start getting on her nerves. There is a lot of complaining that she does about her family, I listen, and let her vent but I don't understand her; maybe because I don't experience this with my family and I’m more family orientated.

I also loved in the beginning of the relationship it seemed like she had a close relationship with her mom, I always thought that was great. However, I see that's not the case the longer I'm with her; they sometimes argue as if she was still in high school and my wife is currently in her late twenties. The only thing I can compare it to, is I see how my sisters are with my mom and it's a totally different dynamic, they talk to each other daily and they never get into fights at this age.

Another thing that made me fall in love with her at the beginning of the relationship is I loved how she seemed selfless and would do things for friends and family without complaining. She's still this happy, go-lucky, helpful person to friends/family when they are around. However, the longer I've been with her it seems like I get the behind-the-scenes of how she actually feels. She vents to me how she does these things for other people and nobody ever does anything for her in return; which I don't believe is true. As a husband, I'm happy she trusts me to vent about this but I feel like I was tricked in thinking she was really this selfless person when instead she does these things out of guilt and they are not genuine. In past conversations I would say, if you are doing these things, you should do them because you want to not because you feel guilty about saying no and then complain about it later. This is just another thing I don't completely understand about her now.

I also don't appreciate the way she makes me want to see her values as being the right way of thinking and doing things. I would do things to help my family and she would make statements like I feel bad because they take advantage of you. In another example, my family would tell me that I should lose weight and start eating healthier, and she would say don't you get annoyed that your family is always talking about your weight. However, I don't feel or think any of this; it's like she's trying to put these thoughts into my head when I know anything my family tells me is coming from love, it doesn't bother me at all.

I would see my niece and tell her things like, "look how big you're getting", and she would make statements to me saying I shouldn't say things like that to her because she will grow up with self-esteem issues about her body. The part that annoys me is my wife is the one with self-esteem issues, no one in my family has self-esteem issues about weight including my sisters and their kids. It's just another thing that annoys me because she tells me what I can and can't say to my own niece.

It feels like there are two versions of my wife and the person I fell in love with is not actually her true self. It's so hard to think about this not working because there are so many other great things that I love about our relationship but these type of things just make me think about our compatibility in the future with a family. 

Am I reading into this too much? Am I crazy to be thinking these things? 

I just don't know if any of these things would cause issues for us down the line by not matching up the way I thought we did. I’ve been feeling less confident lately in the strength of our marriage.

Thank you.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You and your W are developing as people and partners. When you develop you need a good foundation to build upon. An unfiltered emotional path is not the way to maturity or a good long term marriage. You may be right not to trust your compatibility or at least the way she is learning or has learned to behave. You are not over thinking. You are rightly questioning the course you see yourself heading. That's a good thing. Since you are the one here you can learn the basic behaviors (Boundaries and Leadership) that will help give you and your family the best chance. She may or may not respond in kind, yet you will have done your part to ensure a proper course is set. 

Here... 

Boundaries in Marriage

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

Fall in Love, Stay in Love

Let me leave you with some encouragement. 

"Nobody is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." David Schnarch 

Best


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In twenty years you will mind-meld.

You will think alike in so many ways.....on the easier topics.

When conversing, you will assist her line of thought and she yours'. Filling in each others blanks. Blank stares..

However, you will never be the same person. To do so would be boring. Boring into a soft place where both of you would be unfulfilled.

Damned if you do....damned till death do you part'.

To keep it more exciting, keep her off balance...women like order.....too much! 

When nipple-titillating their orderly lives, it is fun to watch them Tango..... employing [many frantic, fast little steps] over minuscule issues.

Just do not step on her toes. They are powerful pain receptors. They can arc up at a moments notice....finding anything small and oval...... hiding in a sack.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Sorry. Sounds petty. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

xMadame said:


> Sorry. Sounds petty.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If an important issue sounds petty to you...:scratchhead:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

snowmtns9 said:


> I love my wife very much and there are so many great things that I love about us and our relationship, we've been married 2 years and together for 3 years (5 years total). However, there are things about our relationship that makes me overthink what our compatibility could be long-term; maybe call it a gut-feeling.
> 
> For example, I have always been a put family first type of person and help/support family when need be. I get along with my family very easily and like being around them. On the other hand, my wife gets easily agitated when spending too much time with her family and always likes to leave before they start getting on her nerves. There is a lot of complaining that she does about her family, I listen, and let her vent but I don't understand her; maybe because I don't experience this with my family and I’m more family orientated.
> 
> ...



Wow, your wife is not only a flawed human being as you are but she is also a different person, with different personality and a different upbringing. Why is your way of thinking any better than hers? Judgmental much?
In fact these differences may come in very useful in future as she will be able to give you different perspective.

You sound very naive, no marriage has two people perfectly 'matching' otherwise you would clone yourself and marry the clone. People have to learn to adjust to differences in the way they see the world and work it out together, that is what marriage is all about. I would be very surprised if you didn't have issues in your future.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

There isn't two versions of your wife... there are probably dozens.

Just like there are a dozen + versions of you.

Robots we are not, and while there may be some deeply learned molds that we fall back on when we stress about things, the superficial path there will take us many directions depending on what biophysical/emotional state the path of least resistance feeds and leads us.

Good versions and bad versions... a seemingly complicated mingling.

It's easy to be critical, a trap we all fall into when expectations are not met... what do you think her expectations are?

You can pick the low-hanging fruit since it is the easiest, but the ripest are often near the top where the sunlight hits... or does she have the sun being blocked by an obstruction you are not aware of because you cannot see the top of the tree from the bottom.

Change your view... I think there may be a bigger picture than what you are seeing.

As for mother-daughter, the types of discussions they have may be because change may not be as accepted in their lives as it should be. Mother treats daughter like teen, daughter responds to mother like teen (or vice-versa) and it's painful for all. The funny thing is that changes is never painful, it's the resistance to change that is.

When one (or both) stops resisting, the relationship will have that chance to grow in a more positive way.

Perhaps think of ways can you help her in that.

Some may be insecurity-based and that can be helped with life coaching, but what stands out is her comments about weight, both about you and your niece and you recognize it as a self-esteem concern. That said, she truly cannot tell you what to or not to say to your family if it is positively presented, so let it go... it annoying you and leaving you feeling less than loving is your's to own.

A hand up of mindful is a path of loving support embracing a need, and we all have needs... take the time to know what's behind them.


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## snowmtns9 (Jun 21, 2017)

aine said:


> Wow, your wife is not only a flawed human being as you are but she is also a different person, with different personality and a different upbringing. Why is your way of thinking any better than hers? Judgmental much?
> In fact these differences may come in very useful in future as she will be able to give you different perspective.
> 
> You sound very naive, no marriage has two people perfectly 'matching' otherwise you would clone yourself and marry the clone. People have to learn to adjust to differences in the way they see the world and work it out together, that is what marriage is all about. I would be very surprised if you didn't have issues in your future.


I'm not saying my way of thinking is better than hers. I understand that we are two different people with different upbringings, but I have never interfered with the way she acts with her family or ever tried to push my views on her with her family. I feel like she pushes her views on to me and how I interact with my family.

I'm not saying that two people would ever match perfectly, but I feel like the more you match with someone (similar upbringings); separates an easier marriage vs a harder marriage. 

I just feel if we had similar core values that we would align easier on things. Not saying marriage would be "easy", but we most likely wouldn't argue over certain parts of our relationship because we both are in agreement.


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## marie89 (Jun 21, 2017)

I think youre putting a lot of emphasis on something... If family dynamics is a big deal to you, then maybe it'll be a big deal in the long haul. But to give you a little perspective, it sounds like my family is similar to your wife's and my husband's family is similar to yours. While we both find each other's family strange it definitely doesn't hinder our marriage any. We argue about meeting in the middle and make comments but those comments are meant to be constructive... or just a general vent about how we're frustrated or don't understand. 
I think my husband's family is overbearing and co-dependant with one another and my husband thinks that my family doesn't have a healthy line of communication (I chat with my parents every few weeks). I get frustrated that I can't have one sister in law over for a drink without it turning into a 10+ BBQ shindig. He hates that my teenage brother plays xbox through family dinners. I think the difference between our scenarios here is that I'm not offended when my husband tells me that he can't handle my family (and vice-versa). You seem to be taking it very personal.
Take your wife's criticism with a grain of salt and treat it like a third-party observation. Her past is probably influencing her opinion. If she thinks you're being taken advantage of, that means she cares about how you're being treated. Say Thank You. But let her know that for now, you see it a little bit differently.


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## inallyourways (Jun 9, 2017)

Compatibility is the dumbest thing I've heard of ...it's an excuse to choose to look at a persons imperfections and faults which we all have. It is easy to choose to look for excuses as to why you aren't working or what you don't like in someone and much harder to try to look for what is good and what is pleasant. It's all a matter of perspective and what you choose to focus on, if you continue to look for the things that annoy you or things you don't like you will continue to find them. If you are trying to find an excuse of "incompatibility" be real with yourself your trying to find reasons why it isn't "working"


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

@inallyourways, I think you'd get along just fine with my ex, given your outlook. But, I guess since compatibility is "dumb," you can't look for the good things either.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

4 behaviors are the most reliable predictors of divorce

You learn as you grow. You are looking for that piece of ground where you both can stand. 

Best


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## inallyourways (Jun 9, 2017)

@marriedbuthappy how ur ex is relevant I have zero clues but ya I do believe that on paper compatibility sounds great but in reality it makes no sense. If you loved the person enough to marry them and u were "compatible" enough then u are compatible enough now u can choose to look past annoyances ... compliment often give positive reinforcement and focus on the good and you won't have to worry about whether or not your "compatible"


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The problem is, love is not enough. Love alone can be delusional, and will die once the delusion dissipates. The key is fundamental compatibility, for making a relationship work and last. My ex was not compatible - nothing we did made it work. My current wife is highly compatible - it would be difficult for it NOT to work!


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## inallyourways (Jun 9, 2017)

marriedbuthappy--- the beauty of having difference in opinion. Making a relationship "work and last" is exactly that Effort and choice not compatibility You can make anything work with any person as long as u make a conscious decision to do it . What ever happened for better or worse till death does you part? It isn't relevant because u were delusional and love has no more meaning? I don't know why compatibility is even a topic once your married it's a commitment you have made at that point and if you can't commit to keeping your word you weren't mature enough to marry in the first place. Again, it's an opinion. I feel like certain matters should be black and white - Once your married do what you promised as a husband or a wife and stay true to your word and put effort into the commitment you made instead of wondering if you are no longer compatible .


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## inallyourways (Jun 9, 2017)

@marriedandhappy and what makes you think that your not dilusioned now? What if in 10 years time your love has somehow faded or dissipated and all your left with is incompatibility once again? What if she wakes up one morning and has a complete change of mind at how she looks at life and You no longer are compatible are u going to divorce her and find another more compatible choice?


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