# Reuqest for advice to transition from marriage to divorce and still be friends



## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

I am new here, and I would like to start by asking if anyone out there has successfully transitioned from marriage to being divorced but still being friends. 
Has anyone?
If you have, could you please share with me a bit of your story? I am trying to navigate this, and it is hard. I was married before and he left me for another woman. I married again, and I am questioning my choice. My therapist calls him abusive, but I can't link his behaviour to "abusive"... more codependent??? I will go into it more, I think, as I get more comfortable here... but I have kids this time around. I know I can survive a divorce, if that is the direction I'll take, but... 
Staying together, I'll have to overcome buttloads of anger.
Divorcing, I have to think about the kids and their best interests. But I'm worried, cuz I think this is going to blindside him. Communication with him has to be managed... he gets angry or he gets sad or he gets spiteful with things like "I need the things you promise to do to get done"... There is a lot to unpack, isn't there? A lot to try to say... and really, I am just trying to not talk too much...


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Can't comment on your situation as it sounds like there is much more to the story. But to your question, yes I am divorced and friends with my ex wife. There are three kids - all young adults now. So it is possible. I am remarried. The ex is not.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ex and I are friends, marriage ended 3 years ago, first 12 months were hard but since then we have been great.

IME it takes two to be amicable, you cannot do it if only one person desires this.

You have to take responsibility for you own part in the marriage ending, truly learn what you did wrong.

Forgive your ex, really forgive them.

Forgive yourself.

Have a brilliant attitude to life and know that this is the end of one phase but the beginning of the next.

Mostly both parents must have the children's best interests at heart. 

Ex and I did not go through lawyers, did our own settlement and are excellent co parents. Kids are happy and thriving and TBH I think we are in a far better place than many intact families that I see.

All the best OP


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Ok. This gives me hope. Thank you for responding. I don't know really what to do, or how, but... therapy starts tomorrow. So... woot...


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I did this. Just so we're clear, I was cheated on, and there were periods when I was less than.... civil. But yeah, we're friends, and at the moment we still live together.

At some point I'll move out and get my own place, but for now we have separate areas (I live in the attic), and each parent gets every other weekend off, and weekdays are kinda split (I get two weekday evenings). I work longer (and earn more) so she does more - all weekday mornings, etc; but it does work.


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Maneo, in case you want to know... I wrote it down - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...-am-i-being-selfish-what-else-could-i-do.html

Holland, your answer was like poetry.  
I think the answer you option on which I need to work is... figure out what I have done wrong... twice now. So I don't repeat it. 
I will work on the other bits too. Beautifully written, though.

Everyone... when you say friends, do you mean civil to each other, like grown ups? or, do you mean that you hang out... call each other to chat about stuff like buddies, can be in groups of co-friends without it being awkward... ????


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Ms. What-to-do? said:


> Maneo, in case you want to know... I wrote it down - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...-am-i-being-selfish-what-else-could-i-do.html
> 
> Holland, your answer was like poetry.
> I think the answer you option on which I need to work is... figure out what I have done wrong... twice now. So I don't repeat it.
> ...


We're not quite at the "here's my girlfriend, there's your boyfriend" stage yet, and most of our socializing tends to be child based, but we're amicable and we have once or twice ended up at parties/dinners hosted by mutual friends.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ms. What-to-do? said:


> Maneo, in case you want to know... I wrote it down - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...-am-i-being-selfish-what-else-could-i-do.html
> 
> Holland, your answer was like poetry.
> I think the answer you option on which I need to work is... figure out what I have done wrong... twice now. So I don't repeat it.
> ...


I would say that ex is a friend but his place on the pecking order has changed, we are divorced after all 
My kids, my partner and my immediate family all come first. Then my friends and ex is in this group. If he needs something and I can help i will, I know I can ask him for help.
We have Christmas together with our kids and my family.
We celebrate the kids birthdays together.
He supported me through the passing of a parent as I did with him.
We have coffee together occasionally, more often now we will have a catch up coffee at each other house when we drop off or pick up kids.
He has met my partner and they seem to get along OK.
He is invited to most of my families functions (his family live OS). My family adore him and it has never been uncomfortable. I made a point from day one that my family kept including the ex and not to ostracise him.

He is building me something ATM that is related to a common interest we have.

Most of our communication is child related as that is a good thing. The kids see us as friendly to each other and as a united front. We have common rules across the two houses and the kids know they cannot play us off against each other.

Our situation is outside of the norm, I know this but it works well for us. I refuse to live the rest of my life with any anger or resentment and I want my kids to see their parents happy.

we would not be where we are if I hadn't of put in a supreme effort to get us to this point. I had to heal and forgive and it has been the most liberating experience of my life.

And no we are not each others Plan B. I am very much in love with my partner and we are a far better match than ex and I ever were.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Ms. What-to-do? said:


> Staying together, I'll have to overcome buttloads of anger.
> Divorcing, I have to think about the kids and their best interests. But I'm worried, cuz I think this is going to blindside him. Communication with him has to be managed... he gets angry or he gets sad or he gets spiteful with things like "I need the things you promise to do to get done"...


It is possible to be friends - I've seen others do it!  But the above right there? Means it might be difficult. If he gets spiteful when angry (which my ex did) it's a lot harder because he's said some unforgivable things to me which makes me think 'why the hell would I even want to be friends with you?'. And this may be even more of an issue if he feels blindsided. 

My ex was the one who walked out but got angry because apparently I didn't want to spend the next year weeping and wailing over my terrible loss


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Well, I'm actually quite pumped. My husband is going to start with my therapist and my therapist is entirely in the know with regard to how I feel (spoke to him yesterday!). And he's going to help me! He agrees that it is in both my husband's and my best interests to either fix our relationship or separate... and that there may be psychological layers to my husband's issues that will prevent reconcilliation - i.e., oedipal issues and repressed trauma... All that to say, my therapist is going to help and for the first time in a very long time I feel... lighter... happier... 

Thank you everyone for replying here.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Good to hear that at least your husband is willing to go to therapy. Hopefully he has an open mind and be willing to work with the process.

To your original question, you can be friends with your ex. I am similar to Holland, just divorced a little longer.

The first year was strained. She had a EA/PA, decided she was done with me, and left, moving into her own place. I was heartbroken and a little bitter. 

I had to do some real soul searching and see the things I did to the relationship as well as the things she did.

I forgave her for the things that she had done. The past is the past and I could not change it anyway. I am happier now.

To her credit, she wanted to foster a relationship based on the best interests of the kids. Having both sides want an amiable relationship makes a big difference.

Most of our interactions revolve around the kids. Sporting events, birthdays, or school functions. Although we will meet for coffee to discuss issues, we typically do not spend any amount of time on a personal level hanging out. 

Each relationship is unique, but you can be amiable and friends with the ex. It takes both sides and that is the hardest part. It will not happen over night, but if both sides are willing, it can happen.

Good luck.


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