# First relationship, and hurt so badly already. Please help me :(



## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

Hello Everyone
i am a new member here and really would love/need to get some advice from those who have dealt with infidelity. I have gone through some of the darkest days of my life with this person i love but i also don't feel im ready to give up. Id like to add two important factors; i dealt with infidelity for years with my father and mothers relationship.The pain and anxiety stayed with me for years and re-emerged at full force in my first relationship, which i am in now. i am 27. the other fact was that this is my first relationship. It will be three years soon though since we have been together
To give some background, i have been with him for three years. From the beginning i always felt uneasy, as if something was wrong. it was for that reason i refused to be labeled the first year but to kind of date openly and honestly and see where things would go. He told me on so many occasions that i was the only one for him and he wanted to be together. He said he loved me. During this first year we agreed we could be with other people but the rule was we had to tell the other person. The fact was we both loved each other a lot at this point and even though i refused to label anything we were basically dating and committed. after a year we decided to officially be together and label the relationship. We were monogamous and in love. after the second year because of other circumstances we broke up but then again after a few months had a similar relationship to our first year; no label but basically together with a promise of honesty with anything we did. We have been in the same place in our relationship, namely no label for the last year we have been together. In the last six months i have been wanting to commit again but because of what happened as i will explain next, we have stayed in this odd unlabeled place
After two years of being with him and not finding anything out but suspecting things, i began to dig a bit and talk around to people. In a few months of searching around this way i found out he slept with 7 other people three of which were my good friends in the last two years but not when we were officially labeled and dating. Throughout our relationship he constantly assured me there was no one else but me. He told me he was uninterested in any one but me and for the most part i believed him. On many occasions before i knew i conronted him about other people and he always made me think i was crazy and paranoid. he spoke to well and so convincing that i always believed him. Finally finding all this out crushed my wold. I went into a deep depression and had levels of anxiety i never knew were possible. Thoughts of suicide started to come to my head. the last time i felt this way was when i was a child and would hear my mother hysterically scream and cry every time she would find out my father had cheated. It took a while for him to admit these people and he only did admit them when i had proof. He claims there are no others but then again the only ones he admits were the ones i had proof about. If there were seven there were more. He was apologetic especially about my friends but his defense was that we were not dating.He said he did it because he thought i was sleeping behind his back , yet i never did. his main defense was that we were not dating. He is right but the reason we weren't dating was because i was uneasy about him and he proved me right. we still promised each other honestly and we still were in love and in some type of relationship. I wanted to see if i could trust him.
fast forward into the last six months and things have improved a bit but not much. He claims he wants monogamy and has begun seeing a psychologist to understand why he lied to me about these people. He is trying on a daily basis to win my trust back but he knows that with my past and the amount of people he hid from me there is a good chance i will never trust him. As for myself ,im trying to trust him because i do love him but its hard. I have doubts every day. anxiety is still present. i have nightmares about him at least twice a week. He swears monogamy for the future and that the ones i found out about were the only ones he was hiding. 
A big part of my sustained anxiety comes from my roomate/bestfriend. I have very strong suspicions that they cheated on me. i have no proof but i just feel it in my bones. I have begged and cried and tried so many times to ask him if something happened. I asked both actually. both insist over and over that absolutely nothing happened. The anxiety i have with this has come to A point where i dont think i can handle it anymore. With majority of the others he lied about i had the same gut feeling that had me confront him about them. With those he admitted, but he insists im wrong with this case. Both him and my roommate also know what it would do to me if i found out. The truth is im really scared i wont be able to handle it. He doesn't know but Ive been having weekly, what i believe to be panic attacks every time i get to thinking about the possibility of him with my best friend. 
I hate my partner for bringing my painful past into my present and making me replay the pain again but i see him trying and he said although he lied and was wrong he would never sleep with anyone else if i fully committed to him. i really don't know what to do. please if there is anyone that can give me their opinion or piece of advice id be so grateful. i just want to be able to trust and love again.I want to know that the person who says he loves me wont be the one who hurts me most in this sometimes cold and cruel world.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

He slept with 7 people that you know of, some of which were your "friends". You should never trust him again.

Leave him. Don't be his doormat, or his plan B. You deserve someone who will love and respect you, not someone who will sleep with your friends.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Though it seems the commitment/non-commitment status of your relationship was ambiguous - he still lied to you; and he slept with friends of yours. Not what I would call BF or husband material.

I'd say you have a couple of options, in order of preference:

- Dump him. If he would lie to you now, chances are that's just the type of person he is and you'll never be able to trust him.

- If you must; continue to date him, but without a commitment. Date other people in the process. Don't marry him and don't move in with him. Let him prove his devotion over time. I think you'll find he will not be up to that task.


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

Thank you for the replies so far. When i found out the first thing i did was tell him he was out of my life forever but as im sure many of you have experienced its not that easy to just say goodbye to someone you love. 
Now i have access to his email, his apartment, and his phone records. He willingly gives me all these things but i guess maybe thats not enough. He claims i brought him to these lies because of the way i react.He said he cant be honest with me because i go crazy but how the hell should i react when you tell me you slept with someone else?? calm? 

Most importantly what do you all think about my roomate/bestfiend situation? Am i being an idiot? i live with this guy and i do so much for him. If i found out he could do that to me and then laugh in my face like im crazy i would die .


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

jq

You have brought someone in your life that not only brought you pain but reintroduced you to childhood pain.

Wake up young lady. He is not the man for you.

And when he drags the truth out we call that "trickle truth". Google the term.

He is not your friend. If he was he would not have slept with your friends. I hope you replace those women in your life as well.


Now get strong. Seek counseling to get your head on straight for your next relationship.

Because this guy should have been out of your life two years ago.

Why would you choose to love someone that makes you crazy and doubt yourself.

HM


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> BY OP
> He told me on so many occasions that i was the only one for him and he wanted to be together. He said he loved me. During this first year we agreed *we could be with other people* but the rule was we had to tell the other person


Let me get this straight. You and your man said that you loved each other but you agreed that you both could be with other people, right? I do not know where you got your idea of committed relationships and love but it is twisted! You had better get someone to help you change your idea about committed relationships!





> i found out he slept with 7 other people three of which were my good friends


That is no big surprise. He wanted to be with other people and you agreed so what did you think was going to happen? You need to get a different definition of “Friends” What you called friends are just a bunch of betrayers!




> i have nightmares about him at least twice
> I hate my partner for bringing my painful past into my present and making me replay the pain.


*If you do not get some help and get away from him then you will be worse in the future*. You have no idea about relationships and have a twisted view right now. *The best advice I can give you is for you to find a woman that has been successful at marriage or a committed relationship and do everything she did and learn from her.* Remember your thinking about relationships cannot be trusted to give you the best chance at a contented relationship so commit your actions and attitudes towards someone that has been a proven success for many decades.



You are young and naive but you are a valuable person that needs to get off your very destructive ideas. You are lucky as you are young and have no children and are not trapped with this man.* Do not just talk but ACT! You are too valuable of a person to waste your life by being in pain all the time. *You can get a LOT BETTER!




> From the beginning i always felt uneasy, as if something was wrong.


You were so right and you have it in you to get a LOT BETTER. GET HELP!!!!
*The bottom line is that you need desperately to let a proven winner help you get smarter, stronger in body, mind, and spirit, and a lot wiser on what is integrity and good morals*. Do not feel too bad because you had poor examples with your parents and you may have bought into some of today’s twisted culture on relationships.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would suggest that you seriously reread your post a few times.

Ask yourself each time the following:

1. Is love delusional?
2. Is love hurting the person you love over and over again?
3. Is love based on lies?
4. Is love having sex with your girlfriends friends?


Your view of love is very emotion based. It is not based upon facts because the facts show this boy as a very self centered beast.

He does not care about you, never did and never will. 

And why in the name of humanity would you allow this jerk to rent space in your head to the point of wanting to kill yourself.

Run and don't look back. He is a player, a con man, and he will continue in this path.

You sound like a very nice girl. Move forward and heal. there are some great guys out there and you will find one.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

You were not in a committed relationship, so I don't see how he cheated on you.

Yes, you said you would tell each other...but come one...why would you agree to "well we are really committed just not labeling it that.....

Move on for the lying.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You have several issues in your life that are causing you problems . Your cheating boyfriend is only one of them!

I think that as well as giving him his marching orders you should consider using therapy to help you get yourself together. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Do not confuse some sense of loyalty and fear of being alone with "love". Love dose not cause anxiety attacks and nightmares. I don't believe what you have is love and I know what he has is not. I suggest you move on from this relationship and find one wherein you feel safe, secure and respected. From your BF's behavior, you will always harbor doubt and suspicion, why live with that when there are guys out there who actually are truthful and faithful? Is it worth it? Gather your strength and move on. Find a man with integrity who would at least own up to his mistakes and not blame you for his shortcomings. I wish you good fortune.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

No choice is right. What you have done is found a relationship that doesn't work but you are handling it like your mother handled her relationship with your cheating father.

Get counseling and break the cycle of accepting anything a cheater does or says.

Get yourself free.

Any relationship that would even bring thoughts of suicide should be abandoned. If you have a gut feeling about your friends, follow your gut.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You are young my lady friend,dont vaste such good years on man who does not deserve you.
He cheated on you over and over again and trust me on this one,he will do it again.

Just let him go,set yor self free and you will find happines.
There is a lot of good people there,who will die if they can find theirs soul mates,it is just a matter of time.

Just put him somwhere in back of your head and continue to live and be happy.

First you need new set of friends. Friend is not a friend if she/he slept with your boyfriend/husband.
Friend is not a friend if they lie to you.


Stay strong and be happy,life is to short 

Grettings from EU


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

This relationship is hurtful for you. It has brought out insecurities and demons from your childhood. You are suspicious of everyone, including your best friend. You are simply miserable. End this relationship and see a psychologist. You have very deep issues from your childhood. You need to address these, before getting into a meaningful relationship.


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

Thank you so much for all the support. Its such a good feeling to know total strangers can care enough to give such deep and meaningful advice
id like to say that i agree with almost all the posters here, in fact Ive thought many of the things you guys are saying now so it just confirms what i already know. but that being said can you guys be certain he does not love me, or he sincerely does not want monogamy and just me in the future, or that he really does not want to make a change? please don't take this as me being stubborn. It me saying, yes i know he messed up, yes i know chances are he will again, but its me also saying i still think maybe he does want to be a different person ,and to be with only me. Its me saying that i believe there is a small chance he can also be the guy who never hurts me and only loves me in the future. Am i being naive and just holding on to false hope? How do i just throw away the chance that he is being honest and sincere now? dont people make mistakes? dont we forgive those mistakes if we loves them? these are all real questions i have. i wish i had a functional relationship to follow as a child ,that way i wouldn't have these questions, but i didn't. 

Id like to add that he has been in counseling for three months now, specifically to talk about the mistakes he has made with me. he plans to bring me to his next session so that i can directly speak to the psychiatrist and see for my self the effort he has (or maybe has not )been making. He also gives me access to his phone at any time, gave me his email password and says he is making me a key for me to check on him at any time

the truth of it is im happier with him even when he is hurting me than i am alone when im not being hurt. im embarrassed to admit that and its hard to type it out but its the truth. That being said i by no means see my relationship with him as something secure. i constantly think about ending it for the ridiculous repetitive lies who all for some disturbing reason had to do with sex. i will end it if i decide it needs to be done. 

thank you again for the kind hearts that have reached out to help a total stranger. i sincerely appreciate every word of help


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

oh and poster matmat, would you be so kind as to point out what other issues i have in my life? im not really aware of any besides this one? lol


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@Roselyn you are right. This relationship has caused me to suspect everyone is lying. because of my childhood i already had trust issues and this has made it so much worse. the ironic part is before i knew of his lying tendencies i often confided in him when talking about my lack of trust in people. i told him i was so scared of being cheated on(big phobia of mine). Thats why i made him promise that he would never lie if he was with another person. He always promised that he would never lie and that i was the only one he wanted to be with, even in the first year where i refused to commit for fear of not knowing him well enough. When bringing it up with him now its something i always ask him; how could he lie so much and about sex when he knew the deep pain i was carrying around exactly about those two things(sex and lying). his response is that i didnt want to date him and that he thought i was with other people behind his back , and that even though he knows it was wrong those were the reasons


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jq24 said:


> After two years of being with him and not finding anything out but suspecting things, i began to dig a bit and talk around to people. In a few months of searching around this way i found out *he slept with 7 other people three of which were my good friends* in the last two years but not when we were officially labeled and dating.


He slept with SEVEN other people, THREE of whom were "good friends"??? (not such good friends after all). You seem to justify this by saying your status was "unofficial" and "unlabeled".

Who cares what your status was? It's all irrelevant based on this next statement:



jq24 said:


> Throughout our relationship he constantly assured me there was no one else but me.


No matter what your "status" was, *he lied to you repeatedly* about it. HE IS A LIAR.

Dump this scoundrel...


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

i need to clarify something here. at various point during the three years both of us were with other people. if it was in the very first few weeks of knowing him or after breaking up but when we were still in contact. He DID inform me of some of the people he was with. i never took it lightly but i thanked him for his honesty. In my case i always told him of the people. in one or two cases i waited a week to say something. i think this is important information because im not 100% innocent. i did sleep with other people . but it was never when we were labeled and i always told him. to date there is not one person i even kissed that he does not know about. As for him, one of the main reasons i get panic attacks is when start to think about all the people i dont know about. if i found out about 7, how many more are there?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

jq24 said:


> i need to clarify something here. at various point during the three years both of us were with other people. if it was in the very first few weeks of knowing him or after breaking up but when we were still in contact. He DID inform me of some of the people he was with. i never took it lightly but i thanked him for his honesty. In my case i always told him of the people. in one or two cases i waited a week to say something. i think this is important information because im not 100% innocent. i did sleep with other people . but it was never when we were labeled and i always told him. to date there is not one person i even kissed that he does not know about. As for him, one of the main reasons i get panic attacks is when start to think about all the people i dont know about. if i found out about 7, how many more are there?


You told him everything, he did not tell you. You operate under one set of rules and he under another. This relationship and the timeline is so confusing, we were labeled, we weren't labeled, then we were and then we weren't. We could during this time and we couldn't during that time. Yikes. This would drive me to drink or jump off a cliff. No wonder he is seeing a shrink and you are having panic attacks. 

I see that you are having trouble seeing how crazy all of this is.

There is a video on YOUTUBE with Bob Newhart, titled "Stop it". I would suggest you pull it up and view it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, I'm just gonna come out and say it.

For two people who are really in love and want to be together, you both sure sleep with a lot of other people.

That's not any definition of love that I know... it sounds more like a crazy obsession. Obsessions are not healthy.

You can write it all off with semantics if you wish -- "we weren't REALLY together", "we were allowed to see other people", "we weren't OFFICIAL" -- Bottom line: people who are in love with each other and want to be together don't have multiple sexual partners.

This was your first "relationship." It didn't work.

Move on...


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

JQ, my childhood background is similar to yours. Having experiencing my parents dysfunctional marriage, I knew, that I never wanted my life to be anything like that. 

I knew what I wanted in a relationship and what my line in the sand is.

You are sending so many mix messages in your relationship/not relationship. We are together but dating other people. Then you are in a not relationship. 

You calling it by any other name because you are not willing to commit does not make it any less than a relationship.

My advice is to call a halt in on going together not together business.

You guys have set up a really bad pattern. If you stay together, get married, not together-together; its the same old story every time.

You need to break up and move away from each other.

You need to take some time to learn who you are. Grow stronger as a person. Become confident in yourself. Learn not to be codependent on anyone. Get into therapy to work thru all your childhood issues.

Only then, can you be in a relationship. 

Being in love is not suppose to hurt and cause anxiety. Take care of you first. Get some help. Move away from this man, he is only causing more pain.


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@brooklynAnn thank you. i definitely need time to understand my self a bit better
i think what some people are not understanding or that i might have not explained was that i in general wanted to be with him but was scared to commit for stated reason. I guess i didnt want to be on an online forum a few years down the line complaining about panic attacks. I told my self in order to not get attached to him while i was just casually seeing where things were going with us(and getting to know who he really is) i should date or sleep with other people. I didnt want to just fall in love and be trapped. but the truth is if i was ever with anyone else i never liked it. The other time i was with other people was when we broke up after a year of dating and i told my self i needed to move on and that i needed to experience more. That didnt work either because ultimately he was the only one i wanted to be with even after we broke up. He always knew who i was with though even after our break up when we had the least contact in three years. I hope this explains the "sleeping around" on my part. If it was up to me i would find the man TODAY that will be the last man i ever sleep with again. i want to only love and only be with one man forever. 
Now realizing all this back and forth is not healthy we both decided, and hopefully this time he will pull through, that we will act as if we are dating (no talking to other people, no dates etc) even though we are not labeled( i refuse to be labeled right now). From this point on we will either fully commit and move in or we separate. but there will be no more back and forth with labels and yes dating allowed/no dating allowed nonsense. i know that there is a good chance we will separate.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By jg24*
> It me saying, yes i know he messed up, yes i know chances are he will again, but its me also saying i still think maybe he does want to be a different person ,and to be with only me. Its me saying that i believe there is a *small chance* he can also be the guy who never hurts me and only loves me in the future. Am i being naive and just holding on to false hope? How do i just throw away the chance that he is being honest and sincere now? dont people make mistakes? dont we forgive those mistakes if we loves them? these are all real questions i have. i wish i had a functional relationship to follow as a child ,that way i wouldn't have these questions, but i didn't.


I sure hope that you never get the addiction of gambling; you will bet even when the odds are a “SMALL chance” that you win.
* Yes you are naïve!*




> “… can you guys be certain he does not love me, or he sincerely does not want monogamy and just me in the future, or that he really does not want to make a change?


*Instead of you taking the good advice that you have been given you try and defend your position.* Do you not realize that your thinking is not the best? Just examine what your thinking has to you so far or as Dr. Phil asks; how is that working for you? I am not trying to put you down but you need to be confronted with some reality and logic so that your twisted emotions do not cause you any more harm. I know that you are trying to do the best that you can but your past has diminished your abilities. Your youth and parent’s example has a lot to do with your thinking so do not beat yourself up because that is not your fault. However, what is your decision right now is for you to quit thinking that you know best for you and *seek out a person that has been successful in relationships for decades and then LISTEN TO THEM AND DO WHAT THEY DID TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL!*






> the truth of it is im happier with him even when he is hurting me than i am alone when im not being hurt.


That says a LOT! You are so dependent on him that you would rather be hurt by him than be alone and not hurt. That tells me that *you really need to get yourself in better shape before you try and get together with him and try and make a life with a serial cheater and a liar.*


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@Mr Blunt thank you for being, well, blunt. However i think you have some things wrong here. You seem to think i do not see how bad things are or the wrong he did. i do , i really do. 
i specifically also made it a point to say that im not ignoring peoples advice here. Coming on this forum totally changed the way ive been thinking in a mere 48 hours. Thats ALL because of the generous time people have taken to help me on here. but because i still question both sides of the argument does not mean im ignoring peoples advice, including yours!
you also ask "how is that working for you" and thats a great question. right now its horrible as ive expressed. However i have also had some of the best days of my life with this man. He has cared for me and showed love at countless times in our relationship. He has done good by me as well. So yes ,im here because he hurt me and lied and manipulated me to a point that i may not return from but he has also been great to me at times. Being its my first relationship im not sure if any amount of good matters when someone sinks as low as he did to be honest though?
That being said , i ask you specifically, where does hope come in to my relationship? I clearly see him trying hard to change and to give me access to every part of his life to show he is not hiding things any more. He has gone to speak to someone for months to try to see why he lied so much. He makes me the center of his world .Please understand im NOT defending him, im asking you , do i throw all that away? There is a small chance he may be what he says he will be but i throw that chance out as well? I honestly believe in working hard on something you want , and that includes a relationship, however i don't want to be working on a sinking ship, or to be made a fool of.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By jg24*
> i ask you specifically, where does hope come in to my relationship?


*When you are dealing with such an important issue as your emotional health, hope had better be based on some logic and history of actions.* I do not doubt that he has shown you some good times and showed some care for you. However his latest actions of lying and numerous betrayals with sex with a least 7 others including many of your friends has shown you a very serious breach of being a man that will have your best interest at heart.


Serial cheating and lying are two of the most telling negative signs of a man’s integrity and ability to love. Your boyfriend has failed miserably at both. I am not saying that he is worthless I am saying that he has proven that he is very selfish and cares about his pleasure more that he does you. He needs to show you for years that he really changed. Changing for several months means very little!

Here is my answer about your hope. I suggest that you wait and see if he is going to continue to prove to you with actions that he has changed. When I say wait I do not mean a few months but test him for years. *Your hope should be based on his actions for years that prove that he is really a changed man*. Remember, you may marry this man and have children with him and that is HUGE. Once you have children with someone then your options are reduced significantly if he returns back to the betrayal and lying. You will be devastated and be somewhat trapped. Even if you get away from him or divorce him you still will have to suffer that fact that the children will lose at least 50% of their time with their father. It will not matter if he is right or wrong the children will suffer. *That is why I am telling you to have hope but to have hope that that is based on accomplished actions for a longtime.*

You have some logic because you said


> There is a *smal*l chance he may be what he says he will be


You know that the chances are not good but small. You are thinking about taking that small chance because you are needy and will compromise yourself.






> I honestly believe in working hard on something you want , and that includes a relationship, however i don't want to be working on a sinking ship, or to be made a fool of.


Working hard on something that you want is a good philosophy to have. However, you alone working on the relationship will be a sure way to lose. He has to be all in and right now he maybe very committed to improving but being committed for a few months means very little. *It takes a long time to break a strong negative character trait and a habit that is so exciting as se*x.

What I see as a positive trait in you is that you are open and honest about your condition. However, I think that you have not been given a solid emotional foundation by your parents or maybe some of the pop culture that you have bought into. How has that worked for you? Well you got it right when you said * “… right now its horrible…”* I appreciate your honesty and openness.

JG24, I hope that my bluntness helps you and not hurt you so I am going to tell you another thing that I see. In addition to you not knowing enough about committed relationships, you have been weakened in your emotions and self-image. *You prefer to be with him as he hurts you than to be alone. That is not healthy state of being.* That is why I keep telling you to get a woman that has been a success for decades and for you to give up your emotional bondage about yourself and your acceptance of him hurting you so that you can be strong enough to prefer being alone to being abused.

So far you have chosen a man that has lied and cheated on you many times and you have chosen “friends” that have betrayed you by having sex with your man so your choices have not been good. That does not mean that you are not a valuable woman and you can turn things around. However, you are too naive and do not have the right attitude and acceptance of the right way to be in a committed relationship. *You need good help, just like all of us do sometimes in life.*

Right now you are needy and are willing to take big chances on a very important part of your life. *With help and you getting much more informed and stronger you will make much better choices that will give you a LOT better chance at having a better life.*


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

This is a slippery slope... you can't always trust what others tell you. It is possible that they thought he slept with seven other people. Best thing is to confront him about it, ask him out right. "My friends told me you slept with seven other people, is that true?" and whether or not he answers you truthfully will determine your next step. Maybe he thought it would make you feel bad if he told you about him sleeping with others. You can't be mad for him sleeping with other people because you had a compromise, but his lying is what is troubling. Make sure you explain that to him, and your intent is to not start a fight, but rather a discussion. 

If he loves you he'll be honest, and if not, he'll do whatever he can to insist your friends are lying. If that happens better to walk out the door. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"...someone you love..."

No offense, but you sound really immature. With low self esteem. And no idea what a productive, healthy, EQUAL relationship looks like.

Move out. Get a good therapist. Start going every week. And learn to deal with your FOO issues and then learn to love yourself.

THEN, after a COUPLE years of therapy and living by yourself, try dating again.

Anything other than this and you are setting yourself up for failure.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jq24 said:


> @brooklynAnn thank you. i definitely need time to understand my self a bit better
> i think what some people are not understanding or that i might have not explained was that i in general wanted to be with him but was scared to commit for stated reason.


We understand completely. 

And we ALSO know that you - and any relationship you get in *currently *- are a trainwreck because you have FOO issues you simply MUST deal with before you can (1) not self-destruct any relationship you are in and (2) pick a decent partner.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If the man loved you, cared for you or even respected you he wouldn't treat you like this. Believe me you do not want to end up being married to this man and discover 20 years down the line that you made a huge mistake in staying with him. You are so very young and have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone who will love you and respect you the way you deserve. This man is only interested in himself, he may talk the right words but his actions say something else. 

It is irrelevant whether he admits to sleeping with your friend, he slept with the others (who were also 'friends') he doesn't know what crossing the line is. Even friends should not do that to one another. You stick with him and put up with this, it will not get better, you are already a door mat.

He is not taking any responsibility for his s***** behaviour saying you brought his to lie because of the way you would react. That already tells you it all, he expects you to give him a pat on the back for being honest? He has a huge ego and a sense of entitlement.

It will be painful now, but toss him, go get yourself a new life, he sure is not worth another one of your tears, move on. You are being niave to think he will change, he might but not for you, you have already set the boundaries of what you will allow him to do. He has caused you much pain and believe me it will not get better. His behaviour to date tells you about his character. People make mistakes yes, but then to lie about it, trickle truth and deflect blame, that is the limit.

You know what you have to do.


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@Mr Blunt , your bluntness is exactly what i need so yes it is helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 
its funny you talk about time it takes in changing because thats is often something he currently talks about now. he claims that he is making all this effort to show me that that is not the person he is and that he is not a liar but that a few months passed and he sees no sign that im changing and beginning to trust him. He tells me that if i want the relationship to work i need to begin to trust him. i always tell him that its only been months and there is no way i can start changing my view on him so fast. I love that you gave the time frame of years, meanwhile two months have passed since he promised a better him and he is not understanding why i don't trust him yet. lol


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@toomuchlove87 i already confronted him separately about each person. With most of them he lied and tried to get out of it. He would finally admit that he did sleep with (or fool around with ) them and then tell me there was no one else that he was hiding. Then yet again id find out about another person and after lying he would finally admit that he did do it and then say again it was the last person he hid, this happened around 4 times. one or two he admitted right away. typing this out is so embarrassing because i see how stupid i sound to stay with a person who can make a fool of me so many times.

At this point all 7 people have been admitted by him and he swears now that he is in therapy there are really no others he is hiding. i dont believe him


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@turnera can you please explain what FOO is and how i self destructed my relationship?


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@aine your post just repeats what i already knwo deep down inside. it hurts so much to see the words being written by a stranger , but i need to say thank you because i guess its what i need. 
you mention making mistakes. everyone makes mistakes , including myself. i have made mistakes including some of the things im pinning him for but they have been far and wide in our relationship. you though made the distinction that he is making multiple mistakes and doing multiple things wrong (trickle truth, shift blaiming etc) and that is very different from making a few simple mistakes. 
one of his worst habits is blame shifting. EVERY TIME we are talking about him or something he did wrong the conversation somehow shifts to me and something he does not like about me that may not even be related to what i was originally talking about. i constantly point it out when he does it. Its frankly a bit disturbing because he is in effect sneakily manipulating me to get out of what he did. I do need to admit he stopped doing it after he started seeing the psychiatrist. if we are talking about him and he wants to bring up something about me he will actually inform me he wants to switch the convo to me. i do want to give him credit for that one change. in general though he will still put blame on me for things he did, for example lying


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You have shared your backgound, what is his? Look, he knew your background, and yet acted exactly like your father. Whar ever the reoationship status he always he claimed he only wanted you when with others. No, knowing your background he should have anticipated how his evey action would impact your "triggers.". That would have been the best proof of love. 

Three years ago he should have given you all passwords. Even installed where's my phone app. This would have been a balance act 
Between paranoia and your extra need for safety. You both should have recognized the toxic friends in your circle and eliminated them. While their is a need for honest sharing with others, they are either friends of the RELATIONSHIP or they gone. 

If he had been faithful from the start, except when officially broken up, and done the above, without you asking or approving what would you have felt? Now it is to late, it becomes a vicious circle of "I know I am paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?". 

I had (she has passed) a female friend who had been raped late at night in a quiet area leaving a coffee shop. I meant her 15 years later. She still triggered in similar situations. I did not know her story and was confused until one day her boyfriend told me. Stepping back I noticed he very quietly always steered thier social life away from this type of activity. He did so without her knowing he did so.

Which one would you want for a husband your BF or my friends?


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@JohnA thank you for your post . One thing you say especially sticks out. That he should have considered my past more. That is one of the most hurtful things about this . He seemed to genuinely care about what I went through. He hated my father for what he did. It was about two months ago that I compared him to my father for the first time. He got extremely angry and told me he is not a monster and would never and never has cheated. 
As for his background he is 10 years older. He comes from a really great caring American family. Parents are respectful and loving to him and each other....BUT the father was in an affair many years ago. The difference was that it was quick the father highly regretted it and made every change to keep his family intact. It still affected my bf . He said it hurt him and that's one reason he would not cheat. I think he gets away with what he did to me by just saying even though its wrong its not cheating 
To follow up on the friend situation; one friend was a good friend who I introduced to my bf. Shortly after plans were made to see him alone . This was early in our relationship so even though I showed I was upset i could not say much because I refused to be labled to him yet. They both told me I was being paranoid and jealous . I found out two years later they performed oral on each other one day in his apartment. I called the friend out a month ago after months of heart ache. I said she was a dirty ***** and that if she even dares to look a me when she sees me id ruin her life. I went a bit crazy but it felt good. She was apologetic the whole time and just took what i had to say . I then sent the whole thing to my bf so that he could see what his selfish deeds caused . As for the other two it happened after we broke up . I'm still talking to them but the friendship is very superficial interms of my trust and love for them. The problem with the last two is that my bf and I were never fully broken up. We were actually still spending time together and sleeping together . We were also discussing getting back together when these two did what they did
It hurts so much to actually write this stuff out but I want to give you all the full picture
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

Take it from me - you need to leave him ASAP. This wasn't a slip up or a one time thing - he's a serial cheater and has a problem. This has nothing to do with you, it's a supreme character flaw of his. 

Don't walk - RUN away from him. You have already wasted three of years of your life on someone who doesn't deserve you - don't waste your cute years and go find someone who loves you fully and who will be loyal to you. You know this is the right thing to do, now you just need to summon up your courage and do it.


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@Hristo2015 again is what he did actually considered cheating ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Jg24
You are starting to understand your situation quite clearly. You even are smart enough to see that he tries to shift the conversation to you to sneakily manipulate you so that he can get out of what he did. Very good insight jg24! 

I think that you now have a few things to focus on and they are:

1	Be *adamant* that he has to prove himself for a LOT longer than a few months. *Do not compromise on this very important test.*

2	Get yourself some good help right there in your town/city to add to all the other helps you get online of anywhere else. A good person sitting across from you that has been successful in relationships is a must!

3	You are very brave and honest so use those traits to accept that you need help with your self-image and thinking. After you accept that then TAKE ACTION because just accepting it is not enough. Because you need help in those areas does not mean that you are inferior it is just that almost everyone needs help in those areas sometime in life. *The important thing to remember is that when you get better with this help you will be a LOT better and have such a great chance at having a good life.*

4	Know that your emotional needs and desires will draw you to compromise on standing firm on what you know is right; *be aware of this and make sure you make yourself to be firm. * Your boyfriend MUST prove with actions for a very long time before you consider reconnecting with him. His actions for the next few years will tell you if he is truly changed or not. IF he changes and you are much stronger then you can decide if you want to get real involved with him. If he does not change enough then you better cut all connection to him as he will ruin your life.

If you do the above then you will have a *HUGE chance* to have a great life and you will eliminate the* small chance* that you are considering taking right now. You are an adult and your future depends mostly on your decisions. 
Take care my dear!


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Well after readig your new posts i am going to change my mind.
You dont love him and he does not love you.

If two people love each other wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend and they sleep with other partners (A LOT OF THEM) that is not called love.

I would never want my wife or girlfriend if she slept with other man,no matter what we do or did.
Separation is only an excuse for "extra sex".

No love her sorry


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

OP... can you clarify what is wrong with you?

Based on these facts:

1) Your first relationship and only was at age 24 (really late)

2) Your bf cheats on you SEVEN times and you won't leave him

3) You seem incredibly insecure and codependent on this LOSER


Why won't you dump him? Why don't you find someone else? What fear is preventing this from happening? That you will be alone? Alone is far better than disrespected. That you won't find another guy like him? If you mean POS like him hopefully not? What are the root of your insecurities? Weight? Appearance? Social awkwardness? Can you work on these things to boost your confidence? Right now you have ZERO. When 3 of your "GOOD" friends fvck your man, it's obvious you pick your friends like you pick your boyfriends. Who ever will give you the time of day.

FIX YOURSELF.... and the rest will take care of itself.


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## Hristo2015 (Aug 31, 2015)

jq24 I think in your heart you know he has cheated. People don't sleep with 7 people on a spree and then stop this behavior. And the fact that you are saying that you have been feeling uneasy or you always have felt like you couldn't exactly put your finger on what is wrong...to me - this is a new relationship (3 years) and if you already have these kinds of problems, imagine what they will be in 10 years. This should be the exciting honeymoon period. Don't settle for less. I think you need to find a man "no assembly required" - someone who has no baggage and who will be truthful to you. Since you aren't married and there are no kids involved, it will be so easy to walk away. 

And just one other thing - it sounds like a lot of your friends have taken advantage of you. They claim to be your friend but then sleep with someone you were with when you aren't looking? With friends like that, who needs enemies. You need to cut these people out of your life - all of them, the "friends", the boyfriend, and any others who don't live up to your standards of behavior.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Jq24; you were still sleeping together. That was his chance ad step up and be faithful. As to the other two; don't women have a code like guys bro code? 

Your mid twenties he is mid 30. If he has not learn by now. What about his past serious relationships?

Your doubts will forever haunt you. Find a mentor to establish future boundaries. Know how you will bring this up EARLY in any new relationship. Be frank and open with new partner.


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

to everyone who has been following this i need to admit i left something out that id like to fill in now. im actually a man as well. i decided to leave that out so people would not answer based on that fact but look at us as a normal couple 

given this information i could explain a bit better two things;

1) i have had relationships before him but they were with women and i do not feel they were real because i was not out to myself and was just going along with things to try to make it work....it obviously didnt "work" and i came out. lol. So my first real gay relationship was at 24

2) Sleeping with friends is wrong. period. however in the gay community my friends can easily become his friends and vice versa. basically its a lot easier for that mistake to happen then in a hetero couple. again, he is still a pos but im just explaining why it happened so easily. The third friend was also not a close friend (i think i may have mistakenly said he was)

as for those that are wondering why my self esteem is so low or whats wrong with me, well nothing. im a good looking in shape man who lifts weights 6 times a week, and takes care of my self ( i mean have you seen many ugly gay men? lol). i can get another guy(or girl apparently ) if i want to, but its hard to let go of the first person i loved ,and yes i did love him (@be smart your comment is rude and out of place. you should never answer for someone if they actually loved someone else). 

thank you again for all the help , i hope my added information will not change anything or the kind advice i have been getting


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@Mr Blunt i hope that in a few years im not giving anyone a chance but fully in love and settled in with someone, if not him then definitely someone else


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

@JohnA i spoke to both of his past bfs , the first one who he date for 6 years turned out to be a even bigger liar than my bf. the odd part is my bf totally trusts him and thinks he never lies. on one phone call my bfs x admitted he slept with many people during their breaks and never told him....im not sure if i should call that ironic? i told my bf , and he still hardly believes me.

as for his second bf he flat out had the same exact issues i did. he claims he couldnt deal with the shadyness and lies anymore. he said he constantly caught my bf talking to other guys. when i found this out was a while ago and gave my bf the benefit of the doubt when he told me hsi x was crazy and made stuff up. now when we talk i often joke around and say "will you tell your next bf i was crazy too and that i never caught you lying about men?" i say it as a joke but its to get a message across

as i see my self writing these sentences im thinking to my self what the hell am i doing with this person? last night he said i think he is a monster and that as much as he tries it will never change. the truth is re-living all the things he has done and lied about by sharing them here make me think i will never forgive or forget. This is just who he is i need to see that and have the courage to get up and say goodbye


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jq24 said:


> id like to say that i agree with almost all the posters here, in fact Ive thought many of the things you guys are saying now so it just confirms what i already know. but that being said can you guys be certain he does not love me, or he sincerely does not want monogamy and just me in the future, or that he really does not want to make a change?


Love is patient and kind. It does not seek its own. It is not rude. Your boyfriend has been manipulating you with his lies. He told you that you were the only one while he was out having sex with your "friends." (I use the term loosely here) The reason he did that was so you would make decisions with false information. It is a form of controlling you. He wanted you to believe he was committed to you, so he lied to you. He knew this would cause you to drop your walls and let him in.He did this on purpose with the very point of getting you to the place you are at now.
The kind of person who does this is dangerous. He will use you up and spit you out when you no longer meet his desires. If you stay with him, what you are feeling now will only get worse. You think you are anxious and having nightmares now? When you are more deeply tied to him, it will only get worse.
Further, your so called friends are toxic. The fact that you choose such toxic and downright hateful people to be in your life shows a lack of self-care and a lack of boundaries that protect you. I recommend that you start doing some reading about boundaries and learning to care properly for yourself.



jq24 said:


> Its me saying that i believe there is a small chance he can also be the guy who never hurts me and only loves me in the future.


Based on what he is doing, there is no chance. You cannot change him or save him. He is a danger to you.


jq24 said:


> Am i being naive and just holding on to false hope?


Yes. I am sorry to say, but absolutely yes.



jq24 said:


> How do i just throw away the chance that he is being honest and sincere now?


 You cannot throw away that which does not exist. You have a hope, but that is all from your broken heart. It is not because there is anything good in him.




jq24 said:


> dont people make mistakes?


 It wasn't a mistake. It was an on purpose. He did it deliberately to manipulate you. His heart had evil intent.



jq24 said:


> dont we forgive those mistakes if we loves them?


 Forgiveness is essential. Reconciliation will only cause you more harm. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. You can forgive someone and run like hell away from him forever.



jq24 said:


> these are all real questions i have. i wish i had a functional relationship to follow as a child ,that way i wouldn't have these questions, but i didn't.


 You can't change your past, but you can learn and grow and make a brighter future for yourself.



jq24 said:


> Id like to add that he has been in counseling for three months now, specifically to talk about the mistakes he has made with me. he plans to bring me to his next session so that i can directly speak to the psychiatrist and see for my self the effort he has (or maybe has not )been making. He also gives me access to his phone at any time, gave me his email password and says he is making me a key for me to check on him at any time


 Just more manipulation. Do not go.



jq24 said:


> the truth of it is im happier with him even when he is hurting me than i am alone when im not being hurt. im embarrassed to admit that and its hard to type it out but its the truth. That being said i by no means see my relationship with him as something secure. i constantly think about ending it for the ridiculous repetitive lies who all for some disturbing reason had to do with sex. i will end it if i decide it needs to be done.


It is very good that you can see this and admit it. That is the first step to change. I recommend you seek counseling for yourself and run hard and fast away from this man.



jq24 said:


> i need to clarify something here. at various point during the three years both of us were with other people. if it was in the very first few weeks of knowing him or after breaking up but when we were still in contact. He DID inform me of some of the people he was with. i never took it lightly but i thanked him for his honesty. In my case i always told him of the people. in one or two cases i waited a week to say something. i think this is important information because im not 100% innocent. i did sleep with other people . but it was never when we were labeled and i always told him. to date there is not one person i even kissed that he does not know about. As for him, one of the main reasons i get panic attacks is when start to think about all the people i dont know about. if i found out about 7, how many more are there?


Sleeping around is not healthy behavior, but you are honest.
You didn’t give him a false picture of what was going on. He purposefully lied to you.
You get panic attacks because you know he is a liar. Never, never, never date a liar. It will take your soul to stay with someone like that.
The kind of people that you are hanging out with sound like a group of confused sex addicts that need to address deep personal issues and get healthy before engaging in trying to form romantic attachments. They stab each other in the back and lack self control.
Only you can do something about the situation you are in. You can blame FOO issues (family of origin) or you can be an adult and deal with your situation and grow from it.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Don't know if your sex changes anything or not. Sorry, in event your hopes and dreams shape you. I think taking tp his ex's helped you.


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## jq24 (Aug 31, 2015)

Thank you everyone .so hard to hear and take this in but I guess I need to hear it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Hey JQ24, 

Well, it sounds like you have done sufficient evidence to back up your claim... you have the evidence and sad as this is once a cheater always a cheater. It is clear by his many indiscretions that you are not enough for him... As hard as it is I would leave.. otherwise the terms of your relationship would have to drastically change.. he would have to earn back your trust in order to get it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

The first step to straightening out your life is to leave him, his apartment and whatever connections you two have.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jq24 said:


> In a few months of searching around this way i found out he slept with 7 other people three of which were my good friends in the last two years *but not when we were officially labeled and dating.
> *
> 
> 
> I hate my partner for bringing my painful past into my present and making me replay the pain again but i see him trying and he said although he lied and was wrong *he would never sleep with anyone else if i fully committed to him.*


First, shame on your "friends" for banging, at best, an ex boyfriend of yours. You need to find a better class on losers and backstabbers to buddy around with.

Second, he said he wouldnt see anybody else if you fully committed to him. Were you fully committed if you weren't, "labeled and dating"?
Are you aware of him seeing someone else while you were in a committed relationship? Here's a key point. When you've broke up, or agree you can date other people, it means you both are free of each other and the committed part is over. The part about telling each other of your outside exploits with others is crap. If your not committed, you don't owe them anything and they can always walk. 
Just to get it out on the table, did you date and/or sleep with other folks during ya'll history together?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> First, shame on your "friends" for banging, at best, an ex boyfriend of yours. You need to find a better class on losers and backstabbers to buddy around with.
> 
> Second, he said he wouldnt see anybody else if you fully committed to him. Were you fully committed if you weren't, "labeled and dating"?
> Are you aware of him seeing someone else while you were in a committed relationship? Here's a key point. When you've broke up, or agree you can date other people, it means you both are free of each other and the committed part is over. The part about telling each other of your outside exploits with others is crap. If your not committed, you don't owe them anything and they can always walk.
> Just to get it out on the table, did you date and/or sleep with other folks during ya'll history together?


He answered these questions.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

One guy out of 7 billion people in the world and about 300+ million in the US. Leave him and find someone else who'll treat you right.

1st love can be painful but you learn by picking yourself off the ground and trying again. You stop learning when you fall and quit.

My 1st 2 GF cheated on me like crazy. Everybody else was getting it but me and I was just the guy to drive them around, shoulder to cry on, etc...You learn after one or 2 times what to watch for and how to weed out the bad apples as they say.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> He answered these questions.


I must have missed that CD. My questions to her was primarily from her opening remarks:

"_his main defense was that we were not dating. He is right but the reason we weren't dating was because i was uneasy about him and he proved me right_." 

I don't understand why she's painting him as the untrustworthy bad guy when, by her own admission, they were not dating and therefore on its face, not in an committed relationship.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> I must have missed that CD. My questions to her was primarily from her opening remarks:
> 
> "_his main defense was that we were not dating. He is right but the reason we weren't dating was because i was uneasy about him and he proved me right_."
> 
> I don't understand why she's painting him as the untrustworthy bad guy when, by her own admission, they were not dating and therefore on its face, not in an committed relationship.


To clarify, the OP is in a same sex relationship. Both the OP and the boyfriend are men.
They were in a dating relationship, but had not made it exclusive. During that time, both the OP and the boyfriend were having sex with other men. When they made it exclusive, the OP was faithful to his boyfriend, but he came to find out that the boyfriend was never faithful to him. It is complicated, so I can see how you didn't get what was going on. It took me a while to understand too.
His friends are disloyal and seem to be a bunch of sex addicts with no sense of value for each other aside from how they can all use each other. It's an unhealthy situation. He was hoping that he had found someone he could trust, who he could love, and would love him back. That is not the case. The people he is in community with are not healthy and cannot have healthy relationships at this point.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> jq
> 
> You have brought someone in your life that not only brought you pain but reintroduced you to childhood pain.
> 
> ...


So true.

Jq . Stop the pain now . Ovee time you will feel stronger n better .

To stay is worse .

To leave , you will heal .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> ThePheonix said:
> 
> 
> > I must have missed that CD. My questions to her was primarily from her opening remarks:
> ...



Oh dear . Yes . I heard such community is such from another man friend in same situation .


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Thanks for the clarification CD.


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

You are right to not believe him. And, honestly, you do need to leave. Once is an accident, two times is a mess up, but three, four, seven times, those are deliberate. You are obviously not enough for him, and at the same time, he is using you as a social cushion. You are the woman he can fall back on. 

Not only are you risking yourself emotionally but you are also risking your physical health. Sexually transmitted diseases are terrible and some are so hard to get rid of, some are not curable. You need to take a break, tell him if he is truly determined to go to counseling and solve his problems, then he should go. You need to go find yourself a more stable man. 

I don't mean to hurt your feelings in any way, but he probably tells you one thing and then boasts about how you will never leave him. He uses this to his advantage it would seem. This is a relationship which you have tried to fix, you've done all the things a good significant other should do. Now it's time to leave. You leaving is his punishment for not treasuring you, for not feeling lucky to have you, the feelings you feel towards him are not reciprocated. No man should ever "worship" his lover, partner, wife or girlfriend, but in a relationship you mutually feel thankful for having that wonderful person beside you. You feel lucky to have them every day. 

You obviously do not have that with this man- on that note... it is time for you to pack up and leave. When you do leave, watch his expression, his mannerisms... you will be able to tell if he is really sad about you leaving, or just playing the part. 

I am sorry this has happened to you, it seems we all encounter something like this once in our lives. I wish you the very best, and hope that your decision helps put your heart at ease. : )


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

toomuchlove87 said:


> You are right to not believe him. And, honestly, you do need to leave. *Once is an accident*, two times is a mess up, but three, four, seven times, those are deliberate. You are obviously not enough for him, and at the same time, he is using you as a social cushion. You are the woman he can fall back on.
> 
> Not only are you risking yourself emotionally but you are also risking your physical health. Sexually transmitted diseases are terrible and some are so hard to get rid of, some are not curable. You need to take a break, tell him if he is truly determined to go to counseling and solve his problems, then he should go. You need to go find yourself a more stable man.
> 
> ...


Cheating is never an accident.


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