# He wants out, I don't (longwinded)



## jenksie (Feb 13, 2008)

I found out that my husband of nearly five years "llikes" a woman at work. I knew he had been spend up to 4 extra hours at work and now I know it was because he was staying there for her. I also found him instant messaging with her. 

Truth be told I meet a guy 4 years ago that I could almost see myself cheating on my husband but ended. Unfortunately I understand how meeting someone new can make you feel good about yourself, but I believe acting on those feelings and persuing them is wrong whether your marriage is good or not. The things is he works with this girl so he will have to see her and I can't tell if he is willing to stay away from her for any other reason than work.

Anyway, he has now told me that he is not willing to pursue and type of couseling because he wanted to do it four years ago and we didn't. He just wants his "freedom". 

The real kicker is that he can't afford to be on his own and really he has no were to go. We even share a car. 

I want to get help and I want to work this out. I don't believe in divorce. I feel that I took a vow, I want to work this out. Not that it will be easy and not that it will be pleasant all of the time. But told me last night that he feels trapped and hasn't trusted me in nearly 4 years. (since my near indisgression)

I feel too ashamed to tell my parents and he doesn't want his mom to know because he is afraid that she will "rip him a new one" because he has said all along that "she loves you more than me." Not true, but we do enjoy each other's company.

Last night he said that it will take a number of months before he can even possibly afford to move out. I love him enough that I can't put him on the street with no car, no place to live which undoubtedly will result in him losing his job. But I don't want to live in agony for months on end...if not longer.

What do I do?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Jenksie, so sorry to hear this. I know it is difficult for you.

You mentioned he wanted to go to counseling for help for four years. What were the problems? Why did he want to go? I assume then, that you weren’t willing to go. Why not? 

You are at the start of a potentially very long journey. Prepare yourself for this. If he has daily contact with her this will be difficult. I would suggest you look at what your current problems in the marriage are and take a look at what you can both do to address them. Also, please keep your cool and have faith in yourself. You will need a steady hand and time before you even start to see improvements. It will take time. Since it will be several months before he will be able to leave, use that time to try and get to the root problems of the relationship. Try and convince him to look at counseling. If he won’t go, consider it for yourself. Take a firm grip on yourself and have hope and faith that things can get better. They can, but it won’t happen overnight. Take care & Bless.


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## jenksie (Feb 13, 2008)

When he found out about the guy that I talked to for a few weeks be wanted to go to counseling. I didn't want to go because I felt that we could work it out together. I know that I was wrong and I pretty much have since created a double standard asking to go to counseling now. but the way I see it, if he can't move out, then as was suggested we might as well get counseling. I do plan on calling my Employee Assistance Program tonight as a starting place. And I want to get counseling alone if he won't go. 

I made the comment to him that even if counseling could make the transition to be apart easier, it will be worth it. But I don't want him to go to counseling with the primary motive of separating or divorcing. Even though I don't believe in divorce I am willing to see it as a last resort.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Good for you to atleast get help for yourself. Healing yourself is very important.

As for the marriage it will only work if two people want it to.

draconis.


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