# My stepson tried to get me arrested. Hes 8!!!



## Zebra M-301

Long story short.

My stepson told his counselor at school that I was abusive. So, the school had to report me because they are mandatory reporters.

Cops and CPS show up at our house and I got the "keep your hands where I can see them..." from the Cops!

The CPS case worker talked to him and she said there was no evidence of abuse.

My wife and I sat down and talked to him to figure out why he lied...

My stepson..."Because I don't like you and I want my Mom to be with my Dad". 

I was VERY patient and did not yell at him, reaffirming to him that he could be honest. But I was completely taken back with what this 8 year old was saying. He deliberately lied about me to his counselor because he KNEW that the cops would be involved, and he thought that the cops would just take him out of the home and take him straight to his Dads. 

2 weeks later he ran away from school, and lied to me and his Mother about seeing some "man with a knife" at school, and a "scarey man at home has been sneaking into his room at night"...I have no doub that if he was not grounded from lying the first time, he would have told his counselor AGAIN that I was that scarey guy with a knife in his room!!

What can I do to help this kid realize I'm on his side...or should I walk away? I'm trying REALLY hard to get this kid into a friendship with me, but he is VERY sneaky and manulipative towards me and his mother.


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## Kurosity

My son made comments at school and the teacher reported me to our version of cps (dcfs) at any rate after everything was confirmed that I, his mother, had not laid a hand on him we got him in with a child therapist and things have turned around for all of us. Not right away but each day it gets better. I would get him his own IC and may be do some FC. It could not hurt to try.

I wish you all the best.


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## turnera

He needs to be seeing a therapist. NOW.


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## mel123

OP.... turnera is correct, get him HELP. This young child has been traumatized by the split-up of his family


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## Mayers89

wish you all the best.


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## EnjoliWoman

Agreed. Family counseling. He's having a hard time with the divorce. But eventually he will accept you and there will come a time when he's a teen or young man and he will appreciate all you've done. Hang in there. 

I've been investigated 3 or 4 times (lost count) AND had the police called to check on her twice because her Dad thought she didn't sound like herself on the phone. I have nothing to hide and it all worked out. They are pros and have seen this stuff before and know it's a ploy.


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## wiigirl

turnera said:


> He needs to be seeing a therapist. NOW.


This....don't wait!








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

My evil stepmother had my husband investigated a couple of times. CPS threw it out both times. They know what they're doing, usually.


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## unbelievable

I've never abused my kids. Once, though, when he was about 12, my son threatened to call the police on me because I had grounded him. I handed him the phone and told him, "tell them to bring the crime scene truck." He declined and never threatened it again.


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## justwhy

Can he live with his dad?


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## Zebra M-301

justwhy said:


> Can he live with his dad?


No, his Father has failed a drug test administered in the court room, and has lost ALL of his parental rights, but my wife insists on letting my stepson see his Father because if he doesnt see his Father, then he does things like why I posted on the board. 

I'm sure his Father is telling my stepson that I am standing in between my stepson's Father and my wife being together, but I dont know how to handle it. I cant punish my stepson because it isnt his fault that he is being lied to, but I also cant go after his Father because he is very protective of him. On the other hand, my wife is protective of my stepson...VERY protective. So, if I hurt the boy in any way then I get flack from EVERY ANGLE....Im just frustrated and dont know what to do.


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## turnera

You get him to therapy, like we said. He needs an outside person helping him to understand what's going on and what the reality is.


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## turnera

fwiw, he needs to keep seeing his dad.


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## colotnk

Zebra M-301 said:


> I'm sure his Father is telling my stepson that I am standing in between my stepson's Father and my wife being together, but I dont know how to handle it. I cant punish my stepson because it isnt his fault that he is being lied to, but I also cant go after his Father because he is very protective of him. On the other hand, my wife is protective of my stepson...VERY protective. So, if I hurt the boy in any way then I get flack from EVERY ANGLE....Im just frustrated and dont know what to do.


You're living what would be a step-parent's worst situation to me! I feel for you and hope it all turns out okay.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I know this won't be a popular answer, but those people who came to your house to interview you are the very people you should turn to for help. First of all, if you follow their plan you are unlikely to end up in said stressful situation again. Second of all, it will save all of you a lot of trouble down the road. There is probably a THIRD person/mentor that your stepson can be involved with who can spend some time with him and get him the perspective he needs. 

Obviously he is stressed, and very bright, and manipulative and creative. 

I have to admire a kid who is really hurting and who will do everything and anything they can to try to stop the hurt. What he did is good...the alternative is holding it inside and having all kinds of problems, including turning to things like huffing or even suicide attempts or stealing cars or well, getting the kitchen knife out while you sleep. Never say never.

But this kid needs help. I would say that CPS has seen it all and they will be able to make the right referrals. The good thing is they will also be able to document everything and probably it will all be free. Not sure if your state has a child advocate office but sometimes they can be helpful in talking to the kid and listening to the kid and trying to arrange things so that the kid will have the best of both worlds. 

Sorry this is happening to you. Cover your bases. It won't be easy, you'll probably end up having to use vaca time from work, etc. Oh well, comes with the territory of having kids...yours, stepkids, even your kids' friends... the need comes knocking on your door and it doesn't always call in advance to wait to be invited.


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## Benevolence

Do you interact with the child? Try to do some activities together, things he may enjoy. Get him into therapy but be a positive role model, if you feel like you cannot handle it... avoid him like the plague.


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## Kurosity

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I know this won't be a popular answer, but those people who came to your house to interview you are the very people you should turn to for help. First of all, if you follow their plan you are unlikely to end up in said stressful situation again. Second of all, it will save all of you a lot of trouble down the road. There is probably a THIRD person/mentor that your stepson can be involved with who can spend some time with him and get him the perspective he needs.
> 
> Obviously he is stressed, and very bright, and manipulative and creative.
> 
> I have to admire a kid who is really hurting and who will do everything and anything they can to try to stop the hurt. What he did is good...the alternative is holding it inside and having all kinds of problems, including turning to things like huffing or even suicide attempts or stealing cars or well, getting the kitchen knife out while you sleep. Never say never.
> 
> But this kid needs help. I would say that CPS has seen it all and they will be able to make the right referrals. The good thing is they will also be able to document everything and probably it will all be free. Not sure if your state has a child advocate office but sometimes they can be helpful in talking to the kid and listening to the kid and trying to arrange things so that the kid will have the best of both worlds.
> 
> Sorry this is happening to you. Cover your bases. It won't be easy, you'll probably end up having to use vaca time from work, etc. Oh well, comes with the territory of having kids...yours, stepkids, even your kids' friends... the need comes knocking on your door and it doesn't always call in advance to wait to be invited.


:iagree:Yes ask them for all the contacts and help that they can provide for your step son. They will be able to help more but you have to ask.


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## mel123

OP....Benevolence has a great idea, find out what the kid like to do , then go do it. Let him know you are genuinely interested and care about him.


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## ankh

Put in a reservation at the local juvenile detention facility, and the jail, and the State Penn as that is where he is heading if some rules are not established. He's in control, when parents should instead be in control, AND HE KNOWS IT.

If my kid threatened ME with the 'i will sick the cops on you' routine, I would take away everything in life that he likes until he gets the message that he is not 18 yet, the rent is free, and food, and love. If he doesn't like those terms, I don't care.


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## Zebra M-301

Ok, so here we are. He just got ungrounded from running away from school. His Mother and I talked aout how to lift the punishment from him running away from school...and lying to us...and his teachers. I stated that I don't have a problem with him getting his electronic toys back, on one condition. He understands WHY he was grounded, and can explain what he did was wrong. (Everytime I try to talk to him about it, he ends up saying "You're making me angry; You're being rude to me") Anyway, so he came home from school and the first question he asked was..."Can I play on the computer?". So, Mommy and I sat him down and she asked him. "Why were you grounded?" "Because I ran away from school." Ok, were on the right path. So she then asks, "Why did you get grounded." "Because I put myself in danger and I could have been hurt." EXCELLENT!!! So, she gives him her phone and as he is walking away he looks at me and says..."I won't do it again because (he said my name) will just ground me again and he is rude to me all the time and he doesn't care if I see my Dad or not." So I tried to stop him, and explain to him that he was the one who ran away from school, ut he kept on walking. So, I turned to my wife and asked her if she heard what he said, she did, and I asked her why she didnt stop him. "Becuase he is ungrounded and I don't want to beat him up about it." So, now my wife is ignoring me, because apparently I wasn't supposed to get upset at my step-son's remark. I don't know what to do about this and I'm actually contemplating just removing myself from the situation so I don't have to deal with it anymore. I'm done with all of this pointless...needless drama...at the hands of an 8 year old with no back-up from the only person that he listens to.


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## turnera

Is he going to therapy?


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## costa200

Yeah... Women with kids... No thanks. Listen to these horror stories all day long.

Are you paying for his gadgets and assorted crap?


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## DaisyDawnS

My step son is now 11 and is a sweet kid. Until you confront him and then it starts. It used to be really bad. He would throw his desk in school, scream at his mom and day and make threats. He once said that he wish he had a knife so he could hurt himself and his dad who at the time he was arguing with. That was a year ago. He went through counceling but they stopped taking him due to he started to act better. I disagreed with stopping it but Im the step mom. Yes I have had conerns of him getting out of control and doing god knows what in the middle of the night. It happens and I have seen him when he gets to this point. He is very respecful to me but I dont confront him the way his parents do. I did once and he stared right through me. He is sweet and loving but as he gets older it makes me nervous. 
Your wife is probably frustrated with what to do. Mentally exhausted as I know you must be too. They tend to start walking on egg shells just to avoid the whole blow ups....its not the right way but I do understand their frustrations 
Good luck and hang in there.


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## turnera

I don't think his wife is frustrated. I think she thinks her son can do no wrong and he's just being misunderstood. Disaster waiting to happen. Yours, too, Daisy.

Kids in blended families need RULES. They need STEADFAST, UNWAVERING rules that BOTH parents agree to and adhere to - and that includes the stepparent. I think no one should get married until this is resolved. It hurts the kids more than it hurts the adults, this wishy-washy stuff that lets the kid think he has the control - which is NOT what he wants.


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## ranaz2

I agree with the other posters - he needs a therapist stat. Probably a male therapist. The LEAST of your problems is whether this kid is interested in a friendship with you. And if your wife is not dealing with this kid's problem head on, that is a threat to your marriage. An 8 year-old should not be turning things upside down like this and kids that age take queues from their parents on what divorce means, whether they will be taken care of etc. It sounds like the parents split and didn't really do whatever was necessary to help the 8 year-old process it. I hope this turns around for all of your sakes. Good luck


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## EleGirl

How long before or after the separtion from from the ex did you get involved with his mother?


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## EleGirl

My step kids did something similar. Their father had full custody as their mother basically abandoned them. She came back into their lives right before he and I married.

She and her lovely friends told the kids that if they turned me into CPS I'd go to prison and the court would then have them live with their mother.

They were in middle school when this went down.

CPS figured it out and chewed the kids out for false reporting.

They are in their 20's now. We can look back now an laugh at it. They have openly admitted what they did and apologized.

My step-son was openly aggressive toward me. My step-daughter was sweet most of the time until high school. She said that she was being sweet so she could set me up to work with her brother to put me in jail. They were so transparent that their grand scheme never worked. Plus their mother never wanted them. She just wanted them to prove that they loved her more than they loved their father .. and by extension me.


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## old pilot

Shoot the little SOB.


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## EleGirl

What I learned about step children is that they are often resentful that their parent(s) bring other people into their lives. 
Your step-son did fall in love with you and want to marry you or be part of a family with you. His mother did.
To him a stranger who he does not like moved into his home and took the place of his father. He has every right to not like you, to distrust you and to resent you being there.

Think of it. How would you feel if your wife moved someone into your home who then went around telling you how you are supposed to live. And your wife told you that it’s too bad, she wants them there and you will need to just suck it up, threat them with respect. Shoot even even expects you to love them as a family member. 

After what I went through with my son and my step kids I came to realize that most kids feel that step-parents are intruders in their lives. They don’t want anything to do with them but are forced to. 
I am actually sorry that I married my step-kids dad. They did not need the turmoil of me in their lives. My son did not need the turmoil of his step-dad and two step-siblings who were drama queens/kings. If I had it to do over I would not marry into the situation.

Something like 70% of marriage where there are step children end in divorce. You can see why.

You, your wife and your step-son need to get into counseling. It’s not only he who needs help. As much as you are trying to be a good step-dad you are messing up big time. You are not his father but you are trying to replace his father. Not good. It won’t work if the step-child does not buy into the idea that you are the father replacement for his real dad. You are not his father; you should not be trying to discipline him, etc. His mother and his father are the two who should raise him. 
His mother is messing up big time as well. She comes down hard on him sometimes but then slacks off when she get exhausted. As a male child he will challenge the authority of his mother even harder than he would challenge the authority of his bio dad. He’s figured out that she will back down and he will rule by doing dramatic things.
You are just the guy living in the house with his mother. He needs to treat you with respect and you he. But he will not accept parenting from you. Not now, not with what has been going on. A counselor might be able to help all of you get through this. I’ve been told by counselors that it takes about 5 years for a blended group to become a family. 
With my step kids I finally figured a lot of the above out.. it took a while. I read some books on step parenting that got this through to me. 
Eventually when my step kids started to pull their antics and say things like you are not my mom, I don’t have to listen to you, I would respond. “Yep not your mom. But this is my house. And in my house you will treat everyone to include me with respect. And you will follow my house rules. If you don’t you won’t live here.” And if you say that be ready to back those words up. Be ready to find someplace else for him to live.

You sound like a really good guy trying to do the right thing in a very bad situation.


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## EleGirl

old pilot said:


> Shoot the little SOB.


We don't advocate violence here....


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## ShawnD

ankh said:


> If my kid threatened ME with the 'i will sick the cops on you' routine, I would take away everything in life that he likes until he gets the message that he is not 18 yet, the rent is free, and food, and love. If he doesn't like those terms, I don't care.


I would probably take the lazy way out - try to get him diagnosed as having schizophrenia, put him on extremely powerful drugs that make him more like a tomato than a human, then water him from time to time.
video of a man on quetiapine


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## EleGirl

ShawnD said:


> I would probably take the lazy way out - try to get him diagnosed as having schizophrenia, put him on extremely powerful drugs that make him more like a tomato than a human, then water him from time to time.
> video of a man on quetiapine


He was also taking 'herbs' so he's mixing drugs as well.


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## turnera

ankh said:


> Put in a reservation at the local juvenile detention facility, and the jail, and the State Penn as that is where he is heading if some rules are not established. He's in control, when parents should instead be in control, AND HE KNOWS IT.


I so agree. I've SEEN it happen; one of our friends' kids is now in prison. We argued with them til we were blue in the face. Of course, another set of friends literally put bars on the windows and installed an alarm system to keep their kid IN the house; she ran away, sold everything, moved to Hawaii with some boy, married, divorced, married again (but lied about first husband), and is now divorced again once the guy found out about the lie. 

Lax doesn't work; prison guard doesn't work. What works is nonjudgmental rules, always loving but not necessarily liking, letting the kid barter for what they want, and always open to conversation.



ankh said:


> If my kid threatened ME with the 'i will sick the cops on you' routine, I would take away everything in life that he likes until he gets the message that he is not 18 yet, the rent is free, and food, and love. If he doesn't like those terms, I don't care.


That's what I did. I told DD22 that I made the rules as long as she was in my house. I told her up front what her consequences would be if she broke a rule, and I followed through on those consequences. 

We asked her once in high school why she never got in trouble like all her friends did and she just shrugged and said 'why would I do something that I know I'm going to get punished for?'

She's taking a parenting psychology course this semester for her BS Psychology. She told me recently that I did what is called 'authoritative parenting,' which is what the experts prefer, say is the only one most likely to create happy, healthy kids. I just figured it was logical.
Authoritative Parenting - What Is Authoritative Parenting


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## 3Xnocharm

Mom needs to stand up to this kid. He obviously needs to stop seeing his waste of a father who is implanting all this bullsh!t in his head. He needs strict rules and consistent punishment. She should never allow him to disrespect you that way. I would totally understand if you left this situation...the only problem is, that means the kid rules/wins.


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## farside

I agree with everyone that said taut family counsel needs to be pursued. There are many public resources out there through CPS and the schools to help in these situations if private counseling is unavailable.


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## Hicks

The child lost everything important to him, namely his family. He did not choose this, it was the adults around him that made all the devestating choices. Now, the wife feels guilty over what she did to her own child and will continue to overcompensate for that guilt for the rest of her life. This overcompensating will enforce and enable these problem behaviors in the child. It's a downward spiral.

It is unfortunate and tragic. I think that family counseling with all 3 of you together is the best optoin. But realize that this boy is a victim of his circumstances and refrain from blaming him. The way to get him into counseling is to tell him that you (step dad) wants to learn how to stop being a bad guy but needs his help in explaining what to do in front of a therapist. This way the boy goes into it with his eyes wide open and not feeling attacked. Best of luck to you.


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## Zebra M-301

turnera said:


> I don't think his wife is frustrated. I think she thinks her son can do no wrong and he's just being misunderstood. Disaster waiting to happen. Yours, too, Daisy.
> 
> Kids in blended families need RULES. They need STEADFAST, UNWAVERING rules that BOTH parents agree to and adhere to - and that includes the stepparent. I think no one should get married until this is resolved. It hurts the kids more than it hurts the adults, this wishy-washy stuff that lets the kid think he has the control - which is NOT what he wants.


I'm a former Marine, so I have an idea of what structure is and how to deal with these types of problems. I had no idea of what I was getting into with her step-kids. I have figured out that since her son was born, she has had quite a few guys in and out of her life. But she reassured me that the guys didn't meet her kids, with the exception of her EX...they broke up about 4 months before we met, but she had other guys in between. 

So, before we started dating, we sat down and went over some basic rules. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship, she has 2 also. My 2 rules were simple; 1. The kids NEVER hear or see us arguing. 2. If I make a decision, she supports it NO MATTER WHAT, there can be a discussion AFTER between us in private.

Well, shortly before we got married, her son and I were doing something and I told him to do something mundane and routine. He very calmly, with intelligence, told me that I was not his Father and he did not have to do it. I corrected him and stated that I was not asking, I was telling him to do it. He started throwing a complete tantrum, crying, whining, sobbing. So she comes out of the bedroom guns blazing because he was all butt hurt. She got on to me and I told her that she was mistaken, she told me that I had no right to make her son cry. He just sat there doing his sob act listening to the whole thing.
So now when she askes me to get him to do anything I just tell her that she lost that right when she went to bat for him in front of him. She can yell at me all she wants when he cant hear or see...but the moment she defended his actions in front of him, I got shut down. I cant get him to do ANYTHING at this point because of that. And there are more things to the story. But, it all biols down to the happiness of her son. She coddles him if he is upset and the kid cries if all the kernels in his bag of popcron arent popped out of the microwave.


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## EleGirl

Zebra M-301 said:


> I'm a former Marine, so I have an idea of what structure is and how to deal with these types of problems. I had no idea of what I was getting into with her step-kids. I have figured out that since her son was born, she has had quite a few guys in and out of her life. But she reassured me that the guys didn't meet her kids, with the exception of her EX...they broke up about 4 months before we met, but she had other guys in between.
> 
> So, before we started dating, we sat down and went over some basic rules. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship, she has 2 also. My 2 rules were simple; 1. The kids NEVER hear or see us arguing. 2. If I make a decision, she supports it NO MATTER WHAT, there can be a discussion AFTER between us in private.
> 
> Well, shortly before we got married, her son and I were doing something and I told him to do something mundane and routine. He very calmly, with intelligence, told me that I was not his Father and he did not have to do it. I corrected him and stated that I was not asking, I was telling him to do it. He started throwing a complete tantrum, crying, whining, sobbing. So she comes out of the bedroom guns blazing because he was all butt hurt. She got on to me and I told her that she was mistaken, she told me that I had no right to make her son cry. He just sat there doing his sob act listening to the whole thing.
> So now when she askes me to get him to do anything I just tell her that she lost that right when she went to bat for him in front of him. She can yell at me all she wants when he cant hear or see...but the moment she defended his actions in front of him, I got shut down. I cant get him to do ANYTHING at this point because of that. And there are more things to the story. But, it all biols down to the happiness of her son. She coddles him if he is upset and the kid cries if all the kernels in his bag of popcron arent popped out of the microwave.


Yep, if you stay in this relationship the lot of you need to go to counseling. She should have never done that in front of her son. He knows how to manipulate his mom and he's gonna do it until she stops enabling this.

He cries.. so what.


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## turnera

Zebra M-301 said:


> She can yell at me all she wants when he cant hear or see...but the moment she defended his actions in front of him, I got shut down. I cant get him to do ANYTHING at this point because of that. And there are more things to the story. But, it all biols down to the happiness of her son. She coddles him if he is upset and the kid cries if all the kernels in his bag of popcron arent popped out of the microwave.


We'll just have to agree to disagree. You COULD change this - if you wanted to. But you're being more stubborn than she is. You COULD sit her down and say this isn't working and I want to go to a professional about this and hear what he/she has to say. You COULD sit her down and say we need to go back to what we agreed on or else I'm leaving. Yes, it would take a bit longer to get the kid back under control but it's doable. You know that. You just choose to sit back and watch him self-destruct so you can say I told you so. I thought you were just a milquetoast, but this is worse.


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## Bobby5000

While I agree CPS knows what they are doing, you may want to address this head-on. That means documenting that you son made a false complaint. Documentation may be by videotape or some other means. 

I am unclear about what your wife is doing about this. She needs to be very assertive about protecting YOUR RIGHTS and emphasizing that something very wrong has been done. If your wife is wishy-washy, maybe your son is right. Take my comment about your son back, you had better have a long talk with your wife first. 

I'd say, DO YOU UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT THERE IS NO CHANCE, ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE OF YOUR EVER GETTING BACK WITH YOUR FIRST HUSBAND. And if she says, well I can't say never, we had our problems, Yada, Yada, you have a big problem. You are facing serious changes, and your wife is quite cavalier. Part of me says tell your wife, you figure it out, go ahead try to reconcile. Your stepson is not only accurate about his father; one wonders about his mother.


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## allworx

My daughter once said i'll call the cops on you..... I gave her the phone and told her go ahead, but tell them to send the paramedics first cause your gonna needed... then I smiled and walked away... 5 minutes later she came down and apologized. She has never used that line again. I think the calmness and the smile is what scared her!


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## turnera

DD22 had a party once in junior high and I overheard one of her friends threatening to call CPS on her dad and I got SO mad! I told her in no uncertain terms how disappointed in her and how ashamed I would be if she would do that to her own father, just because he didn't do what she wanted. 

They were all walking a wide berth around me for the rest of the night, lol


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