# Permanently Banned



## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

I was wondering if I could get permanently banned as accounts cannot get deleted. I got my fill of TAM philosophy and advice and got all I can out of it. Now I feel that it is a negative drag. 

I feel like getting banned would put closure on my experience here.

Thank you.

EDITED: Let me talk this out with Arb before banning and then I will give my final say.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

do do it ...
you will need to come back to here ...
believe me ...
Taming is a vent for me that refrained me from doing a lot of bad things .

also so much pain to remeber bad feelings through other ppl stories and mine , but still it has a great value.

shall u disappear , wish u the best ; and remeber always that one lives only once, love urself and enjoy every single nice moment u have .


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Thanks Zouz  That was a beautiful post.

I will miss TAM but I think its time for other things to come into my life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Maria: Despite your personal feelings of triggering at hearing other peoples problems, you impress me as being too nice of a lady to isolate yourself from both these people who come to TAM to genuinely have problems that they want to seek solutions for, or simply just to vent about.

You came here yourself for some personal reason other than to simply audit these often sad stories that find their ways in here, but through your past experience and offers of encouragement, you are doing those folks an immense favor.

A lot of these stories make us all trigger to the point that they either help conjure up bad memories from our own past as well as sometimes so ridiculous that we want to jump all over the person relating their problem with all four feet, and oftentimes in a very uncomplimentary way!

But more importantly, by getting yourself "perma-banned," you help to destroy the friendships that you've made with those of us who have greatly come to like you for who you are!

And if you ever reach a saturation point that have had far more than your fair share of triggering, take a short hiatus from here to help clear your mind. But never flippantly say something so offensive or arcane to have yourself permantly banned from here ~ and while it may not really bother you, it sure bothers those of us who have really come to like and admire you! Always leave the door cracked where you can come back and converse with your friends!

And trust me on this one ~ you're worth it! Just as I hope that you feel the inherent reciprocity that we're equally worth it, in your eyes!*


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Maria: Despite your personal feelings of triggering at hearing other peoples problems, you impress me as being too nice of a lady to isolate yourself from both these people who come to TAM to genuinely have problems that they want to seek solutions for, or simply just to vent about.
> 
> You came here yourself for some personal reason other than to simply audit these often sad stories that find their ways in here, but through your past experience and offers of encouragement, you are doing those folks an immense favor.
> 
> ...


The first thing I am going to respond to is for any moderator who would permanently ban me, hold off on a moment as I think over what arbitrator has said.

I think I have been viewing TAM as too much arguing and ego-stroking (on my part, I am not singling anyone out) instead of helping those who truly need help. Perhaps I won't feel so burnt out if I refocus my energies.

About being worth it. Of course you guys are! The times of true connection and feeling like I have helped have been what drew me here in the first place. Its nice to know I am appreciated as well as it is easy to feel that you aren't affecting it enough especially on such an open space like the internet. I think I may need either a hiatus or a refocus.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*And, Maria, if you should ever need us as your friends to help intercede for you in this matter, all that you ever have to do is simply ask!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Agree w/ arb. Don't go.

At least not like this.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Seriously, Maria. For 'drama', constant thread fighting, bickering, cliques, in-crowds and bullying people with the 'wrong' POV - try the Mumsnet experience.

By comparison,, TAM is like a balmy beach.

Don't get banned,, just take a break if it's bugging you.

Avoid trigger threads if you can and, if 'fighting' upsets you, try not to get drawn into it (not always easy, I know).

No forums are ideal for many,, but, insofar as the things you describe, TAM is a lot better than most.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

TAM used to be good, not so much now. Some days I feel like going into total thermonuclear meltdown on members I can't stand so that I'll get banned. 

I don't know much about you OP, but if you can manage it, take a sabbatical from here. I know how some of these stories can get to a person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Agree w/ arb. Don't go.
> 
> At least not like this.


Seppuku?

But srsly, thanks Gus.

Its not that TAM is a hugely dramatic,

but I think it is the nature of forums. I feel that the same points are being made and I wonder if its the best use of my energy. If I am going to stay, I have to refocus what I bring to TAM and what I get out of it. Probably by being more supportive to others and talking less in debate/idea threads.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> Seppuku?
> 
> But srsly, thanks Gus.
> 
> ...



*Totally, Maria!

As my high school forensics/debate coach taught me so many years, "Always choose your battles wisely!"*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> Seppuku?
> 
> But srsly, thanks Gus.
> 
> ...


Bottom line... forums aren't the best way to communicate and debate _any_ of the complex topics related to marriage, and that goes doubly so for infidelity.

I don't recall all of the details from your initial thread, but I do remember being pretty impressed w/ you upon reading it. You've been through the dual fires of both infidelity and abuse/assault, and have come out the other side stronger, more determined, and more resilient. Wow.

Probably 20 or so years ago, someone told me, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal w/ it." Wise words. I took that statement at face value at the time, but _it took years for me to *fully and truly* understand it._

Like literally every other person on this rock, you are the product of both your life experiences and how you've chosen to _react to_ and _grow from_ them. And I'd say that you've done better than most. Not in that you were in any way more fortunate in terms of less having "happened" to you, but in that you've managed to deal w/ it in a healthier way than most would've either chosen to do or been able to do.

Because of this, you have an insight and perspective that is uniquely your own. That is what you bring to TAM, and there is a certain value associated w/ it. And TAM would be a lesser place w/o it.

In your time here, you'll grow to respect certain posters, and some more than others. But you may not always agree w/ them. And that's fine. Don't let it bring you down. As long as we're all contributing to the dialogue, each offering his or her own unique perspective, we're getting somewhere. (Sometimes, though, it's not a particularly pretty somewhere. LOL)

And yes, this place can drive you crazy, _but only if you let it_. If you get to the point where you feel like you're being triggered or are possibly contributing to the triggers of others, it's probably time for a break. Log out every once in a while and have a glass of wine. Disappear for a week or so. Avoid threads (or even other posters) that may trigger you. Hell, use the "Ignore" feature if feel that it's warranted.

In short, _do what you have to do to be you._


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just exercise self discipline and say away... 

I've taken breaks for a few months at a time when I cannot take this nonsense.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> I was wondering if I could get permanently banned as accounts cannot get deleted. I got my fill of TAM philosophy and advice and got all I can out of it. Now I feel that it is a negative drag.
> 
> I feel like getting banned would put closure on my experience here.
> 
> ...


Hey, if you don't think you will be back and want to get banned, make it count!!

But I concur with others, don't leave. I've enjoyed your posts here and agree with most everything you have contributed.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Bottom line... forums aren't the best way to communicate and debate _any_ of the complex topics related to marriage, and that goes doubly so for infidelity.
> 
> I don't recall all of the details from your initial thread, but I do remember being pretty impressed w/ you upon reading it. You've been through the dual fires of both infidelity and abuse/assault, and have come out the other side stronger, more determined, and more resilient. Wow.
> 
> ...


All of this is perfect advice. I think I will take one part of it and get a glass of wine, take a break for a bit and then remember that I am bringing something unique to TAM.

Thank you for your comments about my initial post as well. Your comments are insightful not only to how I felt and how I view it, but as to how I can bring more out of that experience.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

vellocet said:


> Hey, if you don't think you will be back and want to get banned, make it count!!
> 
> But I concur with others, don't leave. I've enjoyed your posts here and agree with most everything you have contributed.


Thank you 

I didn't recognize it was you vellocat. The icon switch did it!


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