# Separation>Drug Addiction>Reconciliation>Abuse-Continue?



## mote

For a background, I chose to leave husband June of 10' due to unhappiness and verbal abuse, control issues. During the separation we both longed for eachother but tried wiping away the memories, me with drinking, him with drug abuse and women.

After a year of separation I had a dream about husband I decided to call him and see if he wanted to meet up, terrible I know but for sex, my thoughts were to see if there was still love there, we began talking from there and seeing eachother regularly, I was still very skeptical about the situation and continued with my single life going to the bars etc ended up kissing a guy and he spiraled it all to the next level abusing drugs more and more, the verbal abuse started again etc. Then the push for knowing every detail what happend during the separation has hurt us tremendusly. 

He was using hardcore drugs and got really bad, I ended up moving in with him after 4 months of talking, and quitting my job to help him overcome his addiction, he has been clean for a couple months now. 2 months ago he would see things from facebook that happend during the separation or whatever and starting getting physically abusive, blaming me for ruining his life and if I ever left again it would be hell, etc. threatening me, in the mix of abuse I got a cracked rib, hundreds of bruises and terrible black eyes, I was scared to leave. On Christmas Eve he punched me in the face at a gas station and went to jail. My way out right...

I love him more than anything, and keep telling myself it was a chemical imbalance from the drug abuse, and told him he must get help before we can be back together again. On new years day I ended up going states away to my dad to work on myself and clear my head. Then to find out I'm pregnant. 

>Now just wondering if after much professional help is there a chance to truly reconcile? 

>How do you get over the pain and damage of what was done during the separation? 

>Any other advice?

I'm probably leaving a ton out, so let me know if you want more background, just trying to make it easy enough to read to get advice. Thanks in advance.


----------



## hawaiigirl36

ouch. if and when he can get himself cleaned up in both ways, the abuse and the drugs, there is a possibility that you two can have a healthy relationship. this baby is important, and you need to think about what you want to do. if you choose to bring this baby into this world, you cannot put this baby in this situation under any circumstances, the way things are now.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Why leads you to believe that a sober husband is a nonviolent husband? 
Besides alcohol you DO realize you're addicted to chaos and drama, which is a whole different basket of problems.
Why do you hate yourself so much? Why don't you feel you're worth loving? 
What are you going to be able instill in your baby besides a life of dysfunction, anger, depression, violence, self loathing and substance abuse?

If you think I'm abrasive and rude, how do you think you'll hold up to child protective services?


----------



## AnewBeginning

Mote- i am in a similar situation as you. I left H in November due to verbal and emotional abuse. he never hit me, although he did shove me once but he was plastered (NOT an excuse) and also under the influence. He has been trying really hard to win me back and we have been going to MC as well as I have been doing IC. It is really helping. He has some drug issues as well, mainly prescription abuse. My counselor has suggested for me to make a list of things that HAVE to change in order for the marriage to work. We have a 2yr old son so I am trying everything to make our family work. But he has to go by the new rules. No verbal or emotional abuse, stop with the pills, no lies, and to show me the respect that I deserve and to be treated as an equal and not inferior. 

Sounds like the drugs are taking a toll on his sanity. They can do that, trust me, I've watched it happen over the last year since H's accident. But HE has to be willing and want to change, unfortunately you can't make them or this would be much easier. There is also a time frame and if he crosses the line on any of the rules then we need to re-evaluate and that this is the last change- go back and I am done. End of story. The physical abuse has to stop...period. You can't go back to that or have a baby in that environment. He needs to go to therapy or counseling to try and sort out his demons rather than "self-medicating" them. Which is what my H was doing. 

I understand where you are at right now because I am in the same spot- but you have to be strong and make sure that he is making progress before you make the plunge and go back. You need to be safe, that should be your first priority, you and the baby.


----------



## memyselfandi

My advice?

Before you have that beautiful baby of yours..get into a great rehab program that will surround you wih friends that will help you through all of this.

In the meantime, concentrate on making a life for you and that sweet little baby of yours while remaining clean and sober.

I don't say it to be mean, but Daddy needs help and hopefully will find a rehab program on his own. You have responsibilities of your own right now and can't be carrying around a shovel every time he digs himself a ditch. If he wants to see his son/daughter..he'll do what he can do clean up his act.

Good luck you you and God's Blessings!!


----------

