# Losing Hope



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I've been trying very hard to be patient during this separation from my H, by letting him go through what he needs to and focusing on myself.
I have to admit, it's getting frustrating.
I feel like I am drifting apart from him, and it makes me very sad. I would like to think he cares, but his actions prove otherwise.

It's bad enough that I had surgery on Tuesday and he was not there. He said he couldn't get off of work, I say that is BS. He has known the date of my procedure for a good 6 weeks, he could have made arrangements sooner.

The final straw for me is the fact that he promised my S (his SS) that he would come visit him this week. Well, that hasn't happened. I told him I can deal with him jerking me around, but I put my foot down when it comes to my kids. They deserve better than this.

Maybe I've been stupid this whole time, thinking we could work through this. Maybe it was denial. I really was hopeful we could get through this, but now that hope is gone.

I don't want to let go, but holding on to nothing hurts worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ahhhhhh, life. What is it without love? I'll tell you what it is - a whole hell of lot less painful, that's what!

DG, I just thought I would let that out of my system. Sorry, I do not mean it. I hope you can get to place where you know where he stands. In 36 years, neither one of us has had any medical tests or procedures where we were not together. That would be really upsetting to if she did that to me - well, before she asked for the D anyways. I hope you two can work it out.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Thank you for your kind words.
I honestly don't see us working anything out anymore.
I am not full of regret though, because through out this process I have done a lot of work on myself and have really grown. I am a better woman for all of this regardless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I feel for you. I was in the hospital for hours today getting this scan thing done for an upcoming surgery. My niece was there for me thank God, but I really would have liked my husband there. The stupid thing is he would probably be a big ****h'd about it and make it 100x worse. I think I was really sad wishing for something I'd never get anyway.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Thank you for your kind words.
> I honestly don't see us working anything out anymore.
> I am not full of regret though, because through out this process I have done a lot of work on myself and have really grown. I am a better woman for all of this regardless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup: :smthumbup:

Me too. I feel like I will be a better man in spite of this. I have tried to make myself better every step of the way so far.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> I've been trying very hard to be patient during this separation from my H, by letting him go through what he needs to and focusing on myself.
> I have to admit, it's getting frustrating.
> I feel like I am drifting apart from him, and it makes me very sad. I would like to think he cares, but his actions prove otherwise.
> 
> ...



Sorry that you are going through this. Know that you are not alone either. Just hate that old saying that misery loves company. Feel my grasp on hope is slipping. Haven't seen H since Feb. when he left in his semi to find a job and then lowered the boom on me by phone. He calls S and D but has cut himself off from me. For now that makes it easier for me to do the 180. But I do feel H is just enjoying himself and his new found freedom and is not worried about me or his family.Trying to focus on me for the first time in 25 years. Not been easy as this has left me homeless (save for the generosity of a friend), penniless as I am recovering from a brain tumor and waiting for disability and been out of the work force for 10 years because we were self employed.


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Ahhhhhh, life. What is it without love? I'll tell you what it is - a whole hell of lot less painful, that's what!


OH YES! HOW PEACEFUL LIFE IS WITHOUT THE EVIL WAYS OF THIS SO-CALLED LOVE!!!! 


DG: I am so sorry to hear things are not going well. You are in my prayers. Many of your positive, uplifting words on this forum have helped my days go a little better. Please, if ever you need to just talk with someone, Ill be there. 

Get better. <3


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> Not been easy as this has left me homeless (save for the generosity of a friend), penniless as I am recovering from a brain tumor and waiting for disability and been out of the work force for 10 years because we were self employed.


Wow...well first let me say that I am grateful to read that you are recovering from your tumor. That is a terrible thing to have to go through on your own. I am very sorry for your struggle.

Second, and I know this doesn't help matters, but I think your H is an azzhole for leaving you when you needed him the most! That is not a man in my opinion. Not a man at ALL..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

sadsuzy said:


> DG: I am so sorry to hear things are not going well. You are in my prayers. Many of your positive, uplifting words on this forum have helped my days go a little better. Please, if ever you need to just talk with someone, Ill be there.
> 
> Get better. <3


Thank you for your kind words Suzy, and I am happy that my words have brought you comfort. I truly believe that we will be stronger women in the end with all that we're going through. And the fact that we can go through something like this without resorting to slander, or fighting dirty has something to say about our character.

You & I will be just fine. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Wow...well first let me say that I am grateful to read that you are recovering from your tumor. That is a terrible thing to have to go through on your own. I am very sorry for your struggle.
> 
> Second, and I know this doesn't help matters, but I think your H is an azzhole for leaving you when you needed him the most! That is not a man in my opinion. Not a man at ALL..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DG, thanks for the kindness. I do have to say that when I had the surgery to remove the tumor from my brain (it was benign Thank God) just over a year ago H was with me. The recovery is slow going, almost a year of double vision. Still working on regaining my strength, balance and fine motor skills on the right side. But :iagree: on your character assessment of H.


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

I had a very deadly cancerous tumor removed from my thigh a few years ago. We had been having some problems in our relationship at that time as well. He stayed with me through it, even though I told him I'd kick his ass if he was staying just because I was sick. I would have HATED that.

Sadly, I think that's exactly why he stayed. How bad would he have looked to his friends and family if he had left then? 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if the thought of losing me forever to cancer didn't make him realize he wanted to be with me forever, then nothing will. We are still living together through August so we can get the house ready to sell. My dream house; not a perfect house on a perfect street but it was Camelot to me.

I have to give up my Camelot too...I can't afford it alone and the thought of a stranger moving in to help with $$ is just not something I would like. 

My son and his fiance' were also living with us while they were saving for a home of their own...they bought a house and will be moving next month! 

Lots and lots of changes for me!!! But, I am taking positive steps. I am working out 5 days a week with an exercise physiologist (to get in shape as well as strengthen my "cancer" leg). I'm eating healthier foods, reading about Grief and how it affects me, journaling when I don't write here or send emails to friends about feelings. I also went to my doc and got on an antidepressant and that's working quite well.

Not to say I don't have really really really DOWN times, I sooo do! But, they are fewer now and mostly less intense. I know this will not be easy and I know that I will have bad days but, if I don't make it through this, I know it won't be because I didn't TRY!!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

BP- you have an amazing attitude. I admire you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sad, DG, cherokee, and BP, 
Well yeah, BP, being with u playing the sympathy card would not have been cool at all
Cherekee, what an azz to leave u while u are still recovering, but ladies, there's a twist to my story - a cruel twist. See, my W is the one with an incurable but treatable cancer. She is doing great actually, the magic of new drugs and the power of faith and prayer is what did it. So the twist u ask, well, i love her deeply, would have cherished her for the rest of our lives. After spending 13 grueling, suffering months praying every night that i would not lose her to this terrible desease, sobbing with her. Seeing her recovering miraculously really; SHE WENT AND QUIT ME!!!!! WTF!!! After last year, I thought we were closer than ever before, I thought oh hell we been to hell and back, we are going to have the greatest love for each other. Then 4 months into a healthy great year she f-ckn dumps the D word on me and AGAIN the family is devastated!

Tell u what though, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am still grieving for my marriage but in an odd way, i cried myself out last year. I am now seeing good in things. I cant imagine knocking on deaths door like she did. I am willing to be happy for her. For the first time in her adult life she will experience true freedom. I hope honestly that she finds the joy and happiness she seeks. I hope she can find a man that she will adore and admire although I can guarantee she will NEVER find someone that will love her and take care of her the way i did for 36 years. But that doesnt matter as long as she finds true joy in her heart. I will miss her but I will move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I will miss her but I will move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well said. I do and a part of me will forever miss my husband. But it is time for me to let him go.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yes sad. Sadly so. I dont know about you, and I have said it before - I don't know how not to be married. This will be a new life experience for me and I am going to dive in with an open mind. I have no other choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Brighterlight-

I am sorry that she walked away from you after all you've done for her. I think it is great that you have taken this opportunity to do some soul searching of your own. A lot of people aren't brave enough to look inside of themselves and ask themselves what it is that they could learn from something like this.

Keep your chin up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DG. Thank you for the kind words. My stbxw and I did raise three great kids and there are now six since they are all married and I see how blessed I am to have them in my life. That is something we gave each other that will forever stand. So, I can move on. I still have a lot of healing to do. I don't know where life will lead me but I now have the oppertunity to pursue some of the dreams that I always had that I knew I couldn't do while trying to support a family. Always wanted to complete my pilot certification; i think i'll do that. Always wanted to spend more time outdoors, she never cared much for that, hiking, backpacking - I think I will do that. Always wanted to sell the house, rent an apt closer to work and buy a beach house or land and home in the mountains - we are selling the house so i will consider that. Don't know yet what I want ti do. I would have preferred to have had there beside me but it wasn't in Gods plan for us. I cant say that anything is impossible, but it doesnt look likely we will be together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

This thread is amazing, I wanted to reply to everyone. it began by Delinquentgirl, entitled Losing Hope, but here is amazing hope from everyone. I wish everyone who is going through, or been through treatments my best wishes forfull recovery . Going through these things alone must be very tough!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> My stbxw and I did raise three great kids and there are now six since they are all married and I see how blessed I am to have them in my life. That is something we gave each other that will forever stand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's great that you can look at it like that. Children are a blessing.
I got married very young to my first H after we had a child in our teens. While our marriage was a very toxic one, but I don't regret it because had we not gotten married we never would have had my youngest son, and I love him more than anything in this world.

I'm glad you are involved with your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> It's great that you can look at it like that. Children are a blessing.
> 
> I'm glad you are involved with your children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I've got 2 fantastic kids. My son is 23 and engaged to a wonderful girl. Just spent the week with them and really enjoyed being there. My daughter will be 18 in June. She's a toughie but has her head on pretty straight most of the time. Definitely a Daddy's girl though Daddy don't deserve her but that's just my opinion. Good things came from the 25 year marriage. I'm starting to see more of them but it's a slow paced reveal.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Great posts! I wonder if it possible to be happily in love again? I put up so many defenses now in my heart that I don't know how to unlock it. I hope that life brings all of you on this forum new joy. I am not the type of person that can survive long without companionship, I miss it so much! Loneliness is my biggest fear.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Brighterlight, I truly hope so,cause I am from the school of thought...nothing makes you forget one except another one ;o) Loving when it is done right is so good. I miss the feeling terribly ;o(


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

hesnothappy, touché!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Great posts! I wonder if it possible to be happily in love again? I put up so many defenses now in my heart that I don't know how to unlock it. I hope that life brings all of you on this forum new joy. I am not the type of person that can survive long without companionship, I miss it so much! Loneliness is my biggest fear.


The answer is -YES! You can and you will find love again, if you go about it the right way. This is my 2nd marriage and after my 1st one ended I had lost all hope in ever finding love again. After I met my now H I realized that he was the reason why my first marriage didn't last, because I was destined to meet him.

A few words of wisdom that I want to share with you, so you don't need to learn things the hard way like I did.
First, don't be afraid to be alone. There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. If you cannot embrace being alone with only yourself making you happy, then you'll never have a loving relationship. You can't depend on someone else for your happiness.

Second- It is very important to seek some sort of counseling for yourself to get rid of the feelings and the walls around your heart. It isn't fair to let the pain of your past marriage creep into your next relationship. So many times issues are swept under the rug only for them to rear their ugly head into the next relationship and it isn't healthy, nor is it fair to your partner.
There are a lot of douche bags out there, but there are also a lot of wonderful men out there. It's too bad we hear more about the bad ones than the good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DG, thanks. I was just out in the yard and i came in to an empty house. I just told myself - I'm not sure I can be alone today! I understand your comment about being able to be alone, but I am also lonely. Everywhere I turn in this house, I see her. I know how to be alone, I am just not happy being alone. I guess I have done so much in my life that I can't think of anything I can do alone that would be fulfilling to me. I was thinking of going to catch a movie, but it's no fun watching alone. I just ate by myself, outside because the thought of sitting alone at an empty table just make my heart ache. I am not quite sure of what you mean exactly by learning to be alone. What does one do "alone." Watch TV? Read a book? Visit my parents? Sister? Bike Ride? I've done all those things and I don't feel any better. I have not learned to let go yet. Tomorrow, I help my daughter and her husband move into a new apartment, that'll keep me busy for a while but then I come back to the same empty house. I think 36 years is just too much to lose. My cousins and friends are all married, so I don't want to be a third wheel seeing them. So many memories in 36 years of a devoted marriage that it might take me another lifetime to let go of.

I do want to thank you for those words though, I will work on that.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Of course it won't be easy, nor will it happen overnight. I still have moments when I struggle and I haven't been with my H for even half as long as you have been with your W.

As for learning to be alone, is there a hobby or class or just something new that you've always wanted to try, but never quite got around to? Well, now is your chance! 

Don't worry about being the 3rd wheel to your family and friends. I am sure they love you regardless and want to be there for you. 

I know this is hard, and it's painful, but you are not alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> As for learning to be alone, is there a hobby or class or just something new that you've always wanted to try, but never quite got around to? Well, now is your chance!



IM STUDYING AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE! ALWAYS WANTED TO, NEVER DID.


MY HUSBAND AND I SPLIT UP AND LOOK, IM TAKING ON OTHER LANGUAGES!!  WHY HADN'T I THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?? JK! :lol::lol::lol:


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I think I will call my son up tomorrow and see if he wants to play golf on Sunday. Yes, I have several hobbies but the one I have always told my stbx I wanted to do (flying - pilot certification) is the one that I think I most want to pursue. I just can't do it yet because it is expensive and we are not a the point yet where we have separated out finances and working on the house getting it ready for sale is occupying a lot of my time - but I know I want to do that so it's in my plans.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I've always wanted to learn sign language. I wish they would have offered it in school.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

DG, I was just told this today....again ;o) Replace the ood hurt feelings with new revived feelings. I guess I will get up in the morning and head to the gym. I do see how other things will help in healing the hurt.


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