# Sound Threatening?



## Prudence222 (Jun 25, 2014)

I confronted my husband about his EA 2 days ago. In a nutshell he tried to gaslight me and say it was not as serious as I am making it out to be and then confessed he loved her. I said if he wants to work on our marriage his relationship with her has to end. He said I am putting him in a position to hurt someone either way and I said he put himself there. I said I deserved better and he laughed. He waited 4 hrs then said he gave it deep thought and he will call the OW one last time and end it. I know he was waiting for me to say how grateful I was he chose me but instead I said I don't envy him that conversation cause she isn't gonna be happy. He said no she isn't and how she has no one and has threatened suicide if he (my hub) leaves her. He agreed to go to marriage counseling but got a dose of reality shock I think and told me in a very sinister tone "If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you." I asked how I could do that and he said by lying and making him look bad to the counselor and I said I was just going to tell my truth and opinion. He then repeated himself slowly. If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you. I got chills.
I am feeling ready to file for divorce and at this time and not even thinking counseling is going to do much good except maybe to have a mediator there when I say I am going to file. 
Whats your opinion on what the hell he might mean?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Prudence222 said:


> I confronted my husband about his EA 2 days ago. In a nutshell he tried to gaslight me and say it was not as serious as I am making it out to be and then confessed he loved her. I said if he wants to work on our marriage his relationship with her has to end. He said I am putting him in a position to hurt someone either way and I said he put himself there. I said I deserved better and he laughed. He waited 4 hrs then said he gave it deep thought and he will call the OW one last time and end it. I know he was waiting for me to say how grateful I was he chose me but instead I said I don't envy him that conversation cause she isn't gonna be happy. He said no she isn't and how she has no one and has threatened suicide if he (my hub) leaves her. He agreed to go to marriage counseling but got a dose of reality shock I think and told me in a very sinister tone "If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you." I asked how I could do that and he said by lying and making him look bad to the counselor and I said I was just going to tell my truth and opinion. He then repeated himself slowly. If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you. I got chills.
> I am feeling ready to file for divorce and at this time and not even thinking counseling is going to do much good except maybe to have a mediator there when I say I am going to file.
> Whats your opinion on what the hell he might mean?


 A multitude of things. The "This" he may be referring to is the affair and his response/statement to you is a defensive fog babble crap.

or

I would take a leave of absence from him for the moment and reevaluate your relationship with him from the time it started till now. The detachment will allow you to review without a skewed influence of being in contact with your husband. By doing this you may discover you have been abused or a victim for a long time.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Prudence222 said:


> He agreed to go to marriage counseling but got a dose of reality shock I think and told me in a very sinister tone "If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you." I asked how I could do that and he said by lying and making him look bad to the counselor and I said I was just going to tell my truth and opinion. He then repeated himself slowly. If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you. *I got chills*.


I hope to god he didn't notice those chills. If not, you are in the drivers seat. You know why? Because he thinks HE is.

You need to knock him to his knees. You need to let him know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are gone if he messes up. Not a threat, a cold hard ACTION that says you are serious. I can guarantee that once he see's with CERTAINTY that you may already be gone, it will crash his world. You need to think of the PERFECT phrase, delivered with the cold hard callousness he delivered his BS line, to give to him in your counseling session that will slap him hard. 

I can't recommend that verbiage. When those words were delivered to me, it was a different scenario. And my wife didn't even have a plan or agenda when she did it. I just kept hounding her and hounding her to tell me why it didn't seem like she was coming along while I was trying to fix our marriage. She just blurted out something that made me realize she didn't love me, hadn't for a while, and was never coming back. 

Trust me, that is a message he will NOT get over too quickly (especially when you then go an poison his relationship with the bunny burner).

If not, he was gone already anyhow. You need to know that too if it is the case.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds like cheaters chutzpah.

He goes out an has an A, and he threatens you if you mess "it" up. Really.
I would start the counseling session with your concerns over his statement. Why does he think its okay to threaten you? Which "it" is he afraid you will mess up? Your concern that it shows a definite lack of remorse for his hurtful, deceitful behavior. How it is not a constructive method to rebuild the trust he ruined.
Jeez.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

f*** it up for him, big time.

did you ever tell the other woman's husband about this?

sounds like they are both threatening you (she threatened suicide before, right?)

you can't nice them out of this affair.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Thought...

Proceed with the D. Have him served. Tell him he f#cked it up for you. Get an RO based on his threats. You can always stop the D at any time.

Now he has consequences. Have him NC the OW permanently. Be on the call when he calls her - or writes the NC letter. 

R cannot happen if OW is still around.

R is you choice and yours alone. He lost his vote when HE stepped out on your marriage. You can stop R and go to D at any time for any reason. Even years from now.

See weightlifters thread for evidence gathering. Check emails, phones, texts... Check phone bills, credit card bills going back months. You need access to all his accounts. Passwords, emails everything permanently. If he does not like that (and why?) , well too bad.

Expose. Contact OWH/BF
How's them apples.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Proceed with the D. Have him served. Tell him he f#cked it up for you. Get an RO based on his threats. You can always stop the D at any time.


That'll work in my scenario. Perfectly, I'd say.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Prudence222 said:


> I confronted my husband about his EA 2 days ago. In a nutshell he tried to gaslight me and say it was not as serious as I am making it out to be and then confessed he loved her. I said if he wants to work on our marriage his relationship with her has to end. He said I am putting him in a position to hurt someone either way and I said he put himself there. I said I deserved better and he laughed. He waited 4 hrs then said he gave it deep thought and he will call the OW one last time and end it. I know he was waiting for me to say how grateful I was he chose me but instead I said I don't envy him that conversation cause she isn't gonna be happy. He said no she isn't and how she has no one and has threatened suicide if he (my hub) leaves her. He agreed to go to marriage counseling but got a dose of reality shock I think and told me in a very sinister tone "If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you." I asked how I could do that and he said by lying and making him look bad to the counselor and I said I was just going to tell my truth and opinion. He then repeated himself slowly. If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you. I got chills.
> I am feeling ready to file for divorce and at this time and not even thinking counseling is going to do much good except maybe to have a mediator there when I say I am going to file.
> Whats your opinion on what the hell he might mean?


Say to him: "What would you do, then? Cheat on me? Oh, wait! You already did that!"


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Going to marriage counseling with him in this state of mind is a waste. 

Think about it. You have on your hands a husband who is not only non repentant, but also thinks, perhaps correctly, that the balance of power is in his favor. How could you ever make it work with such a brazen attitude on his part? You can't.

So far you are doing it on his terms and I guarantee it will end badly for you unless you yank the rug from under him in a most unanticipated manner. This guy is crying for a psychological bitc* slap if he's ever going to be able to work it out with you. 

And yes, his threat is a thinly veiled promise he will make your life a hell if you don't do it his way, which is gas lighting, trickle truthing, cake eating, and basically destroying your soul. 

With his attitude it's a guarantee he will let things die down and resume the relationship with her. In fact, you can bet he will tell her to lay low for a while and then they will take the affair underground. 

What I find most troubling is the dynamic you portray in your marriage where your husband assumes he has so much power over you. Are you ready to stand up for yourself?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Prudence222 said:


> I confronted my husband about his EA 2 days ago. In a nutshell he tried to gaslight me and say it was not as serious as I am making it out to be and then confessed he loved her. I said if he wants to work on our marriage his relationship with her has to end. He said I am putting him in a position to hurt someone either way and I said he put himself there. I said I deserved better and he laughed. He waited 4 hrs then said he gave it deep thought and he will call the OW one last time and end it. I know he was waiting for me to say how grateful I was he chose me but instead I said I don't envy him that conversation cause she isn't gonna be happy. He said no she isn't and how she has no one and has threatened suicide if he (my hub) leaves her. He agreed to go to marriage counseling but got a dose of reality shock I think and told me in a very sinister tone "If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you." I asked how I could do that and he said by lying and making him look bad to the counselor and I said I was just going to tell my truth and opinion. He then repeated himself slowly. If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you. I got chills.
> I am feeling ready to file for divorce and at this time and not even thinking counseling is going to do much good except maybe to have a mediator there when I say I am going to file.
> Whats your opinion on what the hell he might mean?


1. Leave immediately.

2. File for divorce.

3. Have no contact with him what so ever.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Prudence222 said:


> I confronted my husband about his EA 2 days ago. In a nutshell he tried to gaslight me and say it was not as serious as I am making it out to be and then confessed he loved her. I said if he wants to work on our marriage his relationship with her has to end. He said I am putting him in a position to hurt someone either way and I said he put himself there. I said I deserved better and he laughed. He waited 4 hrs then said he gave it deep thought and he will call the OW one last time and end it. I know he was waiting for me to say how grateful I was he chose me but instead I said I don't envy him that conversation cause she isn't gonna be happy. He said no she isn't and how she has no one and has threatened suicide if he (my hub) leaves her. He agreed to go to marriage counseling but got a dose of reality shock I think and told me in a very sinister tone "If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you." I asked how I could do that and he said by lying and making him look bad to the counselor and I said I was just going to tell my truth and opinion. He then repeated himself slowly. If you **** this up for me I will never forgive you. I got chills.
> I am feeling ready to file for divorce and at this time and not even thinking counseling is going to do much good except maybe to have a mediator there when I say I am going to file.
> Whats your opinion on what the hell he might mean?


Your husband had an affair and he will never forgive you? Let me interpret what he said for you word by word:

If = I'm
you = a
**** = moron
this = please
up = divorce
for = me
me = and
I = take
will = half
never = of
forgive = everything
you = okay


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who and where is this woman? Is she married? Why do you think it isn't a PA? Why do you think he really ended it?

Did you hear hate in his statement?


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Man!

Sometimes there is no answer but the big D, and I believe this is one of those times....

Free yourself and don't ever look back!!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Who and where is this woman? Is she married? Why do you think it isn't a PA? *Why do you think he really ended it?*
> Did you hear hate in his statement?


Perfect question, Chap.

A lot of us heard the "ended it" story....


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ahh, good times...

My ex came barreling in the kitchen. Thought she was going to go ninja on my ass. I texted the OM and asked him if his wife also knew he was in love with my wife.

30 seconds later she comes in and asks why am I always trying to mess up all the good things in her life. That I should stay out of her life, or else...

Truth be told, she probably did feel like that. I turned into a very passive aggressive man until I found myself again. It wasn't conducive of a good marriage. 

But...the cheater speak was an exact play by play of everything you read here.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Prudence, he is manipulating you, and trying to control you. he wants you to allow him to paint a picture where things are not so bad. For him to do that, you need to keep your mouth shut. So, he threatens you. But it's an empty threat. 

So what if he won't forgive you. What do you have to lose? If you feel his going to be violent, come at him with both barrels blazing in front of the counselor. Her testimony will be helpful in your order of protection. If he doesn't become violent, maybe hobbling him and exposing him for what he is will be a breakthrough moment and lead to some real healing in your relationship. 

Do anything but be silent.


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