# Lost and heartbroken over expected separation



## Shereen (Feb 10, 2021)

Coming up on my 18th wedding anniversary and 20 years together. Early on in our marriage was husband lost his job as a police officer. It was a very public ordeal. I stood by him then and through everything in between. Everything declined from there and frankly I don’t ever think he has recovered. After many years, he became less affectionate with me and would push me away when I would try to hug him etc. I begged and pleaded that we figure it out then so we wouldn’t be here now. After years of rejection, I starting living my own life and not dwelling on that. The pain was there, resentment increased and I started taking my anger out on him by snapping at him, lashing out at comments he made, etc. We got to a point in 2014/2015 where we argued quite a bit. Kids, now 15 and 16, hated it and now say they always knew we would be where we are right now. My husband has been less than perfect himself. He was in an emotional affair before we got married which led to him losing his job. He has been pursuing women for several years now with what seems to be no success. For the past 6 years or so, lying has been a big issues related to moderate substance abuse both prescribed meds and THC. I’ve learned a lot over the years by reading his journals and text messages. That’s been the only way I can get his truth and know what’s really going on. To this day, he hides his cell phone and deletes his messages. I rarely look but clearly still stuff he doesn’t want seen. We have been co-existing for several years and he has been sleeping on the couch. Several weeks ago, my daughter asked me at the store, “why do you do special things/or take care of someone that doesn’t love you?” My husband has told me he loves me but not in the way he thinks he should. A woman from his elementary school also surfaced recently, and though he minimizes it, he is actively pursuing a connection with her even though they are on opposite ends of the US. (I know from his journal.) These events prompted me to ask for a legal separation and clearly I don’t think that through. Since then, we have been effectively communicating, more so than we have been in years. I realized in asking him for the separation that what I really wanted was his love and attention and to save our marriage. Though at times it seemed it was possible and up for consideration, he looked at a place yesterday and decided he is moving out come April when it’s available because it’s the absolute perfect place for him under market value and brand new. He can have all his toys,‘instruments on display, etc and no one can tell him it doesn’t go with the decor of our house now. Really, like a huge drum set in them living room! He says he wants peace and his own space right now. His current sources of support are his sister, who he has never spoken highly of due to her own lifestyle and poorly raised children and who lives far away, and, his former stepdaughter. They have basically talked him out of any reconciliation, and after meeting the landlord and tenant yesterday who have both recovered from a divorce, he says he will be happier once he gets over the worst part of the split. We aren’t divorcing so he can have my medical benefits and has agreed to continue to provide his income to the household so the children can remain in the family home. 
I know I need to focus on myself right now, but I’m also pathetically desperate trying to save our marriage. I love him! I realized where I have gone wrong and have apologized for my part. Sincerely and genuinely. I see my character defects and the damage I have caused. He doesn’t see his as much and says no one knows what it has been like to live with me for the past 20 years. Of course,
He’s 50% to blame. I don’t want him to leave but have since told him that I love him and that I understand this is what he needs right now, and I won’t stand in his way. I still don’t want to lose him. He hasn’t been the best husband, but he is the father of my children, and the want to finish my life out with and be the small percentage who save the marriage but are even better than before. I can what to save it but am realizing I can’t want him to save it too. He has to want that on his own, and doesn’t at this point and/or isn’t willing to put in any work. How can I save it? I don’t want to lose US, the life we have built, our home that we have put so much work into, and our family!!! I initially told him he needed to leave now, but after talking to a life coach today. She suggested a different approach. She suggested to tell him that I love him and that I’m going to spend the next several weeks showing him that and telling him that while working on myself and that I understand his need for space and wanting to leave and will respect that not try to stop him. I’m dying inside though! I want him back in our bed and I just want to find our connection again and start building. I think I’m crazy and losing my mind too all at the same time!


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Shereen said:


> Coming up on my 18th wedding anniversary and 20 years together. Early on in our marriage was husband lost his job as a police officer. It was a very public ordeal. I stood by him then and through everything in between. Everything declined from there and frankly I don’t ever think he has recovered. After many years, he became less affectionate with me and would push me away when I would try to hug him etc. I begged and pleaded that we figure it out then so we wouldn’t be here now. After years of rejection, I starting living my own life and not dwelling on that. The pain was there, resentment increased and I started taking my anger out on him by snapping at him, lashing out at comments he made, etc. We got to a point in 2014/2015 where we argued quite a bit. Kids, now 15 and 16, hated it and now say they always knew we would be where we are right now. My husband has been less than perfect himself. He was in an emotional affair before we got married which led to him losing his job. He has been pursuing women for several years now with what seems to be no success. For the past 6 years or so, lying has been a big issues related to moderate substance abuse both prescribed meds and THC. I’ve learned a lot over the years by reading his journals and text messages. That’s been the only way I can get his truth and know what’s really going on. To this day, he hides his cell phone and deletes his messages. I rarely look but clearly still stuff he doesn’t want seen. We have been co-existing for several years and he has been sleeping on the couch. Several weeks ago, my daughter asked me at the store, “why do you do special things/or take care of someone that doesn’t love you?” My husband has told me he loves me but not in the way he thinks he should. A woman from his elementary school also surfaced recently, and though he minimizes it, he is actively pursuing a connection with her even though they are on opposite ends of the US. (I know from his journal.) These events prompted me to ask for a legal separation and clearly I don’t think that through. Since then, we have been effectively communicating, more so than we have been in years. I realized in asking him for the separation that what I really wanted was his love and attention and to save our marriage. Though at times it seemed it was possible and up for consideration, he looked at a place yesterday and decided he is moving out come April when it’s available because it’s the absolute perfect place for him under market value and brand new. He can have all his toys,‘instruments on display, etc and no one can tell him it doesn’t go with the decor of our house now. Really, like a huge drum set in them living room! He says he wants peace and his own space right now. His current sources of support are his sister, who he has never spoken highly of due to her own lifestyle and poorly raised children and who lives far away, and, his former stepdaughter. They have basically talked him out of any reconciliation, and after meeting the landlord and tenant yesterday who have both recovered from a divorce, he says he will be happier once he gets over the worst part of the split. We aren’t divorcing so he can have my medical benefits and has agreed to continue to provide his income to the household so the children can remain in the family home.
> I know I need to focus on myself right now, but I’m also pathetically desperate trying to save our marriage. I love him! I realized where I have gone wrong and have apologized for my part. Sincerely and genuinely. I see my character defects and the damage I have caused. He doesn’t see his as much and says no one knows what it has been like to live with me for the past 20 years. Of course,
> He’s 50% to blame. I don’t want him to leave but have since told him that I love him and that I understand this is what he needs right now, and I won’t stand in his way. I still don’t want to lose him. He hasn’t been the best husband, but he is the father of my children, and the want to finish my life out with and be the small percentage who save the marriage but are even better than before. I can what to save it but am realizing I can’t want him to save it too. He has to want that on his own, and doesn’t at this point and/or isn’t willing to put in any work. How can I save it? I don’t want to lose US, the life we have built, our home that we have put so much work into, and our family!!! I initially told him he needed to leave now, but after talking to a life coach today. She suggested a different approach. She suggested to tell him that I love him and that I’m going to spend the next several weeks showing him that and telling him that while working on myself and that I understand his need for space and wanting to leave and will respect that not try to stop him. I’m dying inside though! I want him back in our bed and I just want to find our connection again and start building. I think I’m crazy and losing my mind too all at the same time!


I’m sorry for the quandary you are in. Sometimes people damage each other beyond repair. You had an affair as well right?


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## Shereen (Feb 10, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m sorry for the quandary you are in. Sometimes people damage each other beyond repair. You had an affair as well right?


Years ago. I wasn’t feeling love from my husband. Still don’t. I truly believe though that if we both wanted to make it work, we can, and could make it even better than before if we were both all in 100%. He isn’t though so that’s where the road ends.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Shereen said:


> Years ago. I wasn’t feeling love from my husband. Still don’t. I truly believe though that if we both wanted to make it work, we can, and could make it even better than before if we were both all in 100%. He isn’t though so that’s where the road ends.


How long was your affair and did y’all work through it?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me that you have not had enough of his actions to make you move on yet. What happens if in all this reconciliation you find out that he has continued to do like he did in the past? Why are you blaming yourself for your husband's actions? You can only change you but make sure what event has lead to what. I was in a very similar situation and stayed with my (now) ex thinking the very way you have explained here. I too did not want to give up on my marriage and split up my family. In the end of it all there was a slight situation where, like you mentioned here, that brought me to the end. What you live right now is torturing your mind. My ex did not want the divorce. He just wanted me to "accept him the way he was," his words, which meant accepting that he had a drinking problem, a porn addiction and was rejecting me for his fantasies, his seeking the attention and time of other women while I raised the kids and took care of him and the house. I think men like this have the example of a father before them that treated their mothers the very same way. This is no way to live. I would highly suggest that if you are not in counseling yet to seek a counselor to help you thru this.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Can I ask, what do you actually love about him, and love about being married to him?
I didn't see much about that in your post, so I'm wondering how you are seeing him, and what connects you both (besides the kids).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you should ask yourself what exactly are you saving? Are you sure a lot of this just isn't the fear of the unknown?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m sorry for the quandary you are in. Sometimes people damage each other beyond repair. You had an affair as well right?


Where did you see she had an affair? It's not in her post. We need to know more about that, maybe that ended the marriage in his mind.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Where did you see she had an affair? It's not in her post. We need to know more about that, maybe that ended the marriage in his mind.


It was on another thread.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

It's rather odd that you seem more concerned about his drum set in the living room than him cheating on you. Is it because you've cheated on him so you think it's fair?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> It was on another thread.


Ah, I see it. From the post she seems to think that the affair has nothing to do with this. I doubt that though. At least for men I think some of them give up after that, they may stay married but they don't really care about the marriage in the way they did in the past. We need to know more as far as the timeline.

I mean it's possible that he was working very hard and in his mind building for their future, she felt neglected and angry and decided to react the worst way possible being angry and have an affair. Afterwords (assuming he found out some way) she wants all to be forgiven but he no loner wants her touch, so he reject her. Then she gets angry again, and he is done at that point. And this moving out is just the culmination of all that.

She says he never recovered from losing his job but maybe it is from the affair and losing his job. Also was losing his job part of the aftermath of dealing with an affair, which is not uncommon. That is a hard thing to recover from, then adding her yelling at him.



> I see my character defects and the damage I have caused. He doesn’t see his as much and says no one knows what it has been like to live with me for the past 20 years


What does this mean exactly. How much of that is the aftermath of the betrayal of an affair. Not that it's right but some people after being cheated on feel like the marriage is pretty much open at that point. He may have even decided just to stay for the kids or whatever. This is also not uncommon. 

OP we need more information and and a timeline.

I am also not saying what he did as far as his dalliances is justified, I am trying to figure out how it all fits together.


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## Shereen (Feb 10, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m sorry for the quandary you are in. Sometimes people damage each other beyond repair. You had an affair as well right?


Years ago. Short lived and never discussed.


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## Shereen (Feb 10, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> Sounds to me that you have not had enough of his actions to make you move on yet. What happens if in all this reconciliation you find out that he has continued to do like he did in the past? Why are you blaming yourself for your husband's actions? You can only change you but make sure what event has lead to what. I was in a very similar situation and stayed with my (now) ex thinking the very way you have explained here. I too did not want to give up on my marriage and split up my family. In the end of it all there was a slight situation where, like you mentioned here, that brought me to the end. What you live right now is torturing your mind. My ex did not want the divorce. He just wanted me to "accept him the way he was," his words, which meant accepting that he had a drinking problem, a porn addiction and was rejecting me for his fantasies, his seeking the attention and time of other women while I raised the kids and took care of him and the house. I think men like this have the example of a father before them that treated their mothers the very same way. This is no way to live. I would highly suggest that if you are not in counseling yet to seek a counselor to help you thru this.


We are all working with therapists. And, he always tells me he wants someone to accept him for who he is; emotionally unavailable, rigid, compulsively dishonest, is ok with him being high all the time etc. I am aware of the emotional affair(s) and him continuously and actively seeking women outside the marriage. I guess I’m holding on to who I know he once was and believe, with the right treatment for his trauma, can get back in his path of normalcy.


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## Shereen (Feb 10, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Ah, I see it. From the post she seems to think that the affair has nothing to do with this. I doubt that though. At least for men I think some of them give up after that, they may stay married but they don't really care about the marriage in the way they did in the past. We need to know more as far as the timeline.
> 
> I mean it's possible that he was working very hard and in his mind building for their future, she felt neglected and angry and decided to react the worst way possible being angry and have an affair. Afterwords (assuming he found out some way) she wants all to be forgiven but he no loner wants her touch, so he reject her. Then she gets angry again, and he is done at that point. And this moving out is just the culmination of all that.
> 
> ...


His affair occurred while engaged and before marriage but not discovered until after marriage and 2 babies. My affair several years back was short lived and not known. I’ve been alone, rejected and unloved years before my short lived affair happened. No excuse. Just the facts.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Shereen said:


> His affair occurred while engaged and before marriage but not discovered until after marriage and 2 babies. My affair several years back was short lived and not known. I’ve been alone, rejected and unloved years before my short lived affair happened. No excuse. Just the facts.


Really what are you holding on to? You don't sound at all happy, and he doesn't sound all that great. You also have not been honest with your husband. I don't know how anyone can read this an not describe it as a bad marriage. 

Maybe you can find someone else and be loved. Are you sure that this really isn't about your fear of the unknown and change?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gorbunisha...

All told,, compatibility has never been yours to behold.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Give it time.


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## Shereen (Feb 10, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Really what are you holding on to? You don't sound at all happy, and he doesn't sound all that great. You also have not been honest with your husband. I don't know how anyone can read this an not describe it as a bad marriage.
> 
> Maybe you can find someone else and be loved. Are you sure that this really isn't about your fear of the unknown and change?


We have a family. We have 20 years together. We aren’t happy. I’m not happy. But, I have believe if we want it bad enough, we can fix it! It’s easier to give up than work on trying to repair it. False hope probably but there’s so much history to just let it all go. I think there’s something wrong with me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Shereen said:


> We have a family. We have 20 years together. We aren’t happy. I’m not happy. But, I have believe if we want it bad enough, we can fix it! It’s easier to give up than work on trying to repair it. False hope probably but there’s so much history to just let it all go. I think there’s something wrong with me.


Sorry to say sounds like he doesn't want it. You can't make him want it. If anything he will take advantage of you because you do so desperately.

To protect yourself at least one of your actions has to be preparing for the fact that you are going to HAVE TO move on, because you have no choice. Then summon the courage to start to have hope that even if this relationship doesn't work out you will be happy and have a good life. A good way to do that is to start assessing what you life would look like without him and choosing yourself now. Also you might start to exercise and get in shape if you are not, that will help with endorphins, the bodies natural anti-depressant. It also has the extra benefit of making you more attractive, and that will work for him but someone else as well.

I have to be honest from the outside looking in 20 years together is NOT a good reason to stay with someone particularly if the marriage was very difficult, which you admit it was.

I really feels like a whole bunch of this is just about fear and that means it won't work. You need to get over your fear first. Only then can you trust that your desire to be with him even stems from love. But even then he may not want it, but at least you won't be afraid anymore.

Your only path is to get over you your fear, it's the only way you have a chance, and the truth is there is a very good possibility that he is done. You can do this but you have to have courage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He would have to want to save it as well and it doesn’t look like he does. Sure, you can wait on him to possibly wake up one day (while he dates or whatever else he’s planning on doing) but you’d be better off making plans for your life in case this is permanent.


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## Shereen (Feb 10, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Sorry to say sounds like he doesn't want it. You can't make him want it. If anything he will take advantage of you because you do so desperately.
> 
> To protect yourself at least one of your actions has to be preparing for the fact that you are going to HAVE TO move on, because you have no choice. Then summon the courage to start to have hope that even if this relationship doesn't work out you will be happy and have a good life. A good way to do that is to start assessing what you life would look like without him and choosing yourself now. Also you might start to exercise and get in shape if you are not, that will help with endorphins, the bodies natural anti-depressant. It also has the extra benefit of making you more attractive, and that will work for him but someone else as well.
> 
> ...


Been working on me. Working out daily, walking, hiking, losing weight etc. some days I think screw him, I deserve better and I’m not going to wait around for him but then other days, like today, I get so emotionally broken, I can barely function. Short of telling me he is done directly, he has said it in every other way possible. I’m seeing more and more I need to move on. The problem is I have until the beginning of April until his place is ready and it’s absolutely torture for the kids and I to still have him here until then!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Shereen said:


> Been working on me. Working out daily, walking, hiking, losing weight etc. some days I think screw him, I deserve better and I’m not going to wait around for him but then other days, like today, I get so emotionally broken, I can barely function. Short of telling me he is done directly, he has said it in every other way possible. I’m seeing more and more I need to move on. The problem is I have until the beginning of April until his place is ready and it’s absolutely torture for the kids and I to still have him here until then!


My friend that you are mourning. This is normal, and yes painful. But don't assume the pain is telling you you must get back together, or that your life will always be like this. Unfortunately in life everything ends. It's universal. Painful but universal. Again please summon the courage to have hope that you will find joy again. And you will.


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