# He's begging for more time, not sure if its already too late..



## cosmicblu (Oct 18, 2011)

We've been married 11 years. We have a 10,7, & 1 1/2 yo. We also suffered a loss of our third child, still birth at almost 9 mths pg, he would be 4 yo. I am 30, him 34. We met and immediately were together ever since. I can honestly say its been true love from the start and a very great love. But since the beginning I have to admit I have seen his temper and anger to the point if he was really diagnosed he would at least be bipolar. The stresses of daily life, finances, trying to raise children on just one income have certainly built in him and I have watched his temper grow and grow over the years. We've both made our mistakes, mine insisting on fixing finances and small things myself instead of consulting with him for help because of his anger and apparent inability to handle things. I feel it is half a cop out excuse for me not to haven been honest about these things but admit the true fear I feel from having to deal with him. Over the years dealing with his anger is like walking on eggshells and I see it in the children now so I know its not just me being oversensitive like he is fond of saying. Its escelated over the years to the past 4 being physically abusive. The first time he ended up punching me in the face like 5 times, blood was everywhere in the truck. Next time I was afraid of telling him when I hit a shopping cart in a parking lot causing a dent and he smacked me so hard it knocked me clean out on the ground. Another time we were arguing and he pushed me so hard across the kitchen I was in the air and put my hand back to catch myself and broke my wrist. The last time was last Jan., so almost a year ago, arguing and he slapped me, I finally called the police this time and he was in jail over the weekend. smaller times before these were grabbing me or pulling me back by my hair while walking away.

As rediculous as it all sounds, and I feel so rediculous for even saying im still here today, good times are terrific. Hes a very hard worker and great father other than the temper he lets them see. Im not afraid of him in a physical sense despite all ive gone through with him, in fact I know he would crumble without me. But I feel he would make it hard if I did follow through with leaving. This past weekend we argued a lot and he asked if I had the money would I have left him a long time ago. He also asked if I was still in love with him. As much as hes hurt me over the years it is still so hard to say any of these things that would hurt him. I stood there in silence, the answers to these questions right at my lips but so hesitant to actually release. But my non response and the way I was looking at him he knew the answers. I would have left him and the things hes done to me have killed a lot of the feelings I once had for him. 

At first he took my phone, locked it wouldnt give it back, hes done this a couple times before during a big blow up. By the end of the weekend he gave it back I should not give up on him yet. Hitting rock bottom for him was going to jail. I cried and screamed at him that hurting me the first time should have been enough, and so that if I had called the police on him the first time would it have never happened again?? Only afraid of the police is that the only reason?? He feels if I leave him now after hes turned this leaf and has done so good the past year I would be pulling the rug out from under him and that I should give him more time. That I am giving up on him too easily. Guiltful things now like is it better for the kids to grow up in a split up house or with a father that is trying. Says he will never lay his hands on me again, he might get mad and yell and be loud but hes working to lessen that as well. I assured him that I do in fact love him and I want him to get better no matter what because the children still need him to regardless of what happens to us. Most of the time I feel like even if he wasnt violent anymore, just loud and angry, Ive just grown away from that type of person and I do not want that kind of person or energy around me anymore, its still very stressful even without hitting and im just tired. So many other times I still see the love we have and how things could have been had he not had these issues. Half of me is done, half of me doesnt want to let go of the love and bond that we started with and still is there to a point. My head goes in circles everyday over this, sometimes I look at him and see that angry person and the things hes done, other half the time I see that man that I fell in love with. I feel like I am just going to crack, I dont know what to do. Then being a stay at home mom and seeing the little faces of my children depending on me to make the right decision. I couldnt live with making the wrong one...


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## cosmicblu (Oct 18, 2011)

Hes talking and making me feel like Im being unreasonable for wanting out now. Like I said, things like "your going to pull the rug out from under me now" and " are you really going to give up on me" and plenty other things while he was stating his case. Making sure I feel bad when its all started and everyones world is falling apart because of a separation, it was my decision and my fault. I feel that I have been plenty strong enough to have hung on this long through everything else, now I just need the reassurance and strength that I can press on and let go of the good things that were and move to the next level. Considering we dont have enough money to split up, I told him hed work days & I would work nights and we wouldnt have to see each other and go from there. I really dont know where or how else to start.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

He is an abuser and a jerk. You need to leave. NOW. Have you told your friends and family? You need a support system around you. 

The whole "we've had so many good times..." is just part of the abusive relationship cycle. Now he is going to play the "I am changing. Don't do this to me" card, to suck you back into staying. He'll try pity, threats, promises, crying, threats of suicide, etc, anything to keep you there.

Also, you sound co-dependent. Try to get into Individual Counseling to find out why are you staying in this type of relationship.

If you don't want to leave for your sake, do it for your kids' sake. This is what they are learning is "normal". Your sons, if you have any, will learn to treat their wives like your H is treating you. Your daughters (if any) will learn to seek an abusive husband just like their dad.

If your kids were in a relationship like the one you find yourself in.. what would you tell them?


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## cosmicblu (Oct 18, 2011)

I know exactly what you are saying I tell him that all the time of why no matter what happens with us he still has to strive to be better because my girls will NOT let them selves be in this situation, or my sons treat a poor girl this way. It just saddens me so much and frustrates me, why I say what I do about the good times, because if he wasnt like this it would be freaking perfect!! And the times that I have lied out of fear he just uses it back on me. I feel terrible for thinking sometimes maybe a work accident, something else will take it all out of my hands. Says that my lies are what has set him off...what a handful of times?? But of course he forgets the trillions of times of his blow ups in between which have set this fear in me. Im so freaking nice i hate how nice i am, thats what makes me so sad to even hurt him back because I know he loves us and we are his whole world....he just shouldnt have been so careless with us...


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## cosmicblu (Oct 18, 2011)

Im also not from this state, I have no family here, his dad and brother knows about some of it because his dad helped me bail him out of jail. I had to or hed loose his job for being in there so long....I hate depending on money like this. My outside support is minimal.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

I can relate to this. But the thing that im doing to myself is CHANGE. a constant CHANGE for the better me. Many says that its a cycle, but I have to stop this cycle myself. As long as your husband accepts his faults, and do some things for his issues, then its for you to decide. What im doing for my self , Im in IC, anger management Class, and of course lots of prayers. My wife is seperating./divorcing me in few months time and I cant blame her for that. If it happens, it happens, But something has to be CHANGED. and I know its ME. There may be bumps along the road during this constant/permanent change of mine , but I know with determination, willingness, and Guidance from the LORD, I will not FAIL! At the end of the road, no matter what will your decision be, it an ALL WIN-WIN situation. First for your husband, for YOU and specially for the KIDS! Its easier said but done, I know but he should do it NOW or it might be too late......


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