# Wife hates my dad - feeling helpless



## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

My wife has developed a hatred for my dad. He’s a rather self-centered person with poor manners, and has said some offensive things to my wife over the years. In addition to this, he has shown a lack of character in many important situations. I understand where she’s coming from.
While I have issues with my dad, I don’t think he’s a terrible person, or toxic to be around. Just generally annoying and often inappropriate/immature. We’ve limited our relationship with him, and I while I talk with him every couple of weeks, I seldom FaceTime with our 2 year old daughter, simply because it’s so awkward to even let my wife know. It is painful to me because I love my dad, despite his faults.
We are expecting a baby soon, and he’d like to visit. My wife doesn’t want him in the house, and wants him to stay in a hotel. The idea of asking him to do this is very uncomfortable, and it will certainly change our relationship. I’m willing to do this for my wife, and have done what I can to let her know that I’m on her side. Still, I’ve asked her to please consider letting him stay for just a few days, for my sake. She takes this as me siding with my dad over her, no matter how I try to explain it. I have a lot of anxiety over this (I stated seeing a therapist over this whole issue, in fact) and it makes me very sad. I don’t feel like I can really talk to my wife about it. I feel like I’m making a tremendous sacrifice for her but I don’t think she appreciates the gravity it carries for me and for my dad and brother.
On top of this, partly due to her pregnancy, she is very irritable with me, and I feel like every day I do things that insult her or let her down, or that I’m irresponsible or something. For example, this morning, the first thing she said to me as we woke up was that she “feels like crap” and I asked her if she didn’t sleep well. She got mad at me and said that I never understand that she’s pregnant and that I’m always trying to minimize her feelings. I’m fairly sensitive about this, and always make an attempt to understand her situation. Or I’ll forget to do something, like I’ll clean the kitchen but overlook something so there’s a detail that I didn’t clean properly. She’ll be furious with me. I could list things all day, but my point is that I’m feeling like her feelings run the show, and that my feelings are not to be mentioned, because she gets so angry if I mention how her actions affect me, while I’m doing everything I can to accommodate her feelings, even when there’s a large sacrifice, such as the case of my dad. I feel like every move I make might be something that I’ll be in trouble for. My anxiety is quite high. On top of this, I’m working 10-12 hour days, almost 7 days a week. It just feels lopsided.
Im happy to do what’s needed for my family, but I don’t think that it’s appreciated, and I don’t think I’m allowed to express myself.
I’d love to hear advice about how to deal with this upcoming visit from my dad, in how I might communicate with him, or any insights about possibly communicating better with my wife, or anything that can hold my family together as best as possible. Thank you.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Soon you will be apolagizing for breathing air in the house you are not entitled to. Watch the scene from animal house where Kevin Bacon is bent over and getting whacked in the a$$ with a paddle and is forced to keep saying: "thank you sir may I have another" That is likely your future if you let this continue.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Soon you will be apolagizing for breathing air in the house you are not entitled to. Watch the scene from animal house where Kevin Bacon is bent over and getting whacked in the a$$ with a paddle and is forced to keep saying: "thank you sir may I have another" That is likely your future if you let this continue.


Thank you for siding with me, but I’m really trying to find some constructive suggestions about improving the situation.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Not siding with you at all. Only can see what your future will be if you don't start to stand up for yourself. Perhaps I am wrong but you seem to be getting walked on a bit. Tell her I am sorry you feel that way but my father is staying with us. then Dad don't say xxx or yyy because that makes wife upset. Begging her please let my dad stay here for a few days to visit is not particularly attractive. When she gets angry because you forgot to clean an item in the kitchen or something to her standards calmly reply I am trying the best I can within my work schedule etc. 

Either that or tell the old man my wife hates you (the title of your post) and does not want you around so I am going to do as she wishes. I can no longer face time you with our 2 year old because you are afraid your wife might find out and not approve. Finally, you are not allowed in our home as per wifes wishes. Its really not that complicated. It does not sound like there is too much room for negotiation with your wife but I would avoid the begging please part it only makes you look weak. 

No matter what you choose it sounds like it will be uncomfortable. Hopefully someone here has another option. Good luck.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

From what you've said, i can understand why your wife wants your dad to stay at a hotel. When a brand new mum, especially a first time mum is trying to recover and heal from birth as well as adjust to her new role as mum, someone else in the house will just make that harder. Unless it's someone she's close to and comfortable with. You need to back your wife on this. Put your dad up in a nice hotel close by. Everyone gets their own space that way.

As for the rest of it, your wife does sound like a bit of a b. Has she only been like this while pregnant or is she always like this?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

What did he say to her? Was it personal insults or just random offensive things? If he's insulting her, I can see her side, but if he's just a crotchety old jackass then honestly, she needs to understand that while I understand that she is pregnant and is overemotional and hopped up on hormones (assuming she wasn't like this before) that YOU don't understand and it's not YOUR problem. I mean, after all, your father is your family, right? She can't expect you to change your life just because she's pregnant. The thing with your dad just sounds like a the last straw in her making her pregnancy a big deal and a pain for you. You're not the one having the baby, so she needs to keep her problems to herself. If this is something that's recent with the pregnancy, maybe she needs to talk to her mother more or something, or maybe she has some friends that can tell her this will all pass and she needs to just suck it up because hormones are making her crazy. Her pregnancy, her problem, your family comes first.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Not siding with you at all. Only can see what your future will be if you don't start to stand up for yourself. Perhaps I am wrong but you seem to be getting walked on a bit. Tell her I am sorry you feel that way but my father is staying with us. then Dad don't say xxx or yyy because that makes wife upset. Begging her please let my dad stay here for a few days to visit is not particularly attractive. When she gets angry because you forgot to clean an item in the kitchen or something to her standards calmly reply I am trying the best I can within my work schedule etc.
> 
> Either that or tell the old man my wife hates you (the title of your post) and does not want you around so I am going to do as she wishes. I can no longer face time you with our 2 year old because you are afraid your wife might find out and not approve. Finally, you are not allowed in our home as per wifes wishes. Its really not that complicated. It does not sound like there is too much room for negotiation with your wife but I would avoid the begging please part it only makes you look weak.
> 
> No matter what you choose it sounds like it will be uncomfortable. Hopefully someone here has another option. Good luck.


Thank you for the input. I agree that b be begging is not becoming, and I haven’t done that. But I’ve tried to negotiate and to feel out what the limit of her comfort is. As for the other things I mentioned, I do need to stand up for myself more. I tend to avoid conflict, so it’s easier in the immediate to just shrug things off but it can bottle up too.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> What did he say to her? Was it personal insults or just random offensive things? If he's insulting her, I can see her side, but if he's just a crotchety old jackass then honestly, she needs to understand that while I understand that she is pregnant and is overemotional and hopped up on hormones (assuming she wasn't like this before) that YOU don't understand and it's not YOUR problem. I mean, after all, your father is your family, right? She can't expect you to change your life just because she's pregnant. The thing with your dad just sounds like a the last straw in her making her pregnancy a big deal and a pain for you. You're not the one having the baby, so she needs to keep her problems to herself. If this is something that's recent with the pregnancy, maybe she needs to talk to her mother more or something, or maybe she has some friends that can tell her this will all pass and she needs to just suck it up because hormones are making her crazy.


He said some things that were insulting about her family, though somewhat indirectly, and insulting things about where she’s from. But the way she is acting is not unique to pregnancy. When things area hard in her life, she becomes volatile and I tend to bear the brunt.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

frusdil said:


> From what you've said, i can understand why your wife wants your dad to stay at a hotel. When a brand new mum, especially a first time mum is trying to recover and heal from birth as well as adjust to her new role as mum, someone else in the house will just make that harder. Unless it's someone she's close to and comfortable with. You need to back your wife on this. Put your dad up in a nice hotel close by. Everyone gets their own space that way.
> 
> As for the rest of it, your wife does sound like a bit of a b. Has she only been like this while pregnant or is she always like this?


As I stated above, she can be like this. I talked to her about it tonight and I hope that it resonated with her. It certainly cut some of the tension. I still feel like I disagree with the way she’s handling this and if it were me, I’d just let the in-law stay and not create drama. It’s easier for me to deal with not liking people than it is for her. It really consumes her. But I don’t expect others to see things my way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ar80 said:


> He said some things that were insulting about her family, though somewhat indirectly, and insulting things about where she’s from. But the way she is acting is not unique to pregnancy. When things area hard in her life, she becomes volatile and I tend to bear the brunt.


Then why stay married to her? Does she work? Your father is your family, he clearly comes before her to you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ar80 said:


> *He said some things that were insulting about her family, though somewhat indirectly, and insulting things about where she’s from*. But the way she is acting is not unique to pregnancy. When things area hard in her life, she becomes volatile and I tend to bear the brunt.


Not cool mate. You REALLY need to back your wife on this. You can't let your dad get away with that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Not cool mate. You REALLY need to back your wife on this. You can't let your dad get away with that.


I don't support her being a b all the time, but if my husband's family directly insulted me over and over and he stood by and said nothing or joined in, there would be a Texas-shaped hole in the door. THIS kind of thing is why women should never quit their jobs.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Then why stay married to her? Does she work? Your father is your family, he clearly comes before her.


I don’t think that my father comes before my wife. I also don’t think that issues like this are worth divorcing over. I would like to strengthen our relationship and grow together.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't support her being a b all the time, but if my husband's family directly insulted me over and over and he stood by and said nothing or joined in, there would be a Texas-shaped hole in the door. THIS kind of thing is why women should never quit their jobs.


Bloody oath!! 




ar80 said:


> I don’t think that my father comes before my wife. I also don’t think that issues like this are worth divorcing over. I would like to strengthen our relationship and grow together.


When your wife is bringing home a brand new baby is not the time to start doing that. Wife 1, baby 2, dad 3.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't support her being a b all the time, but if my husband's family directly insulted me over and over and he stood by and said nothing or joined in, there would be a Texas-shaped hole in the door. THIS kind of thing is why women should never quit their jobs.


This was a mistake that I made. I didn’t say anything when he said insulting things. They were such small things, but they added up over time. For example, he’d say something like “if you didn’t get the vaccine, then you deserve to die if you catch covid” when my wife’s parents aren’t vaccinated. Or making comments about people’s weight when my wife’s mother has weight issues.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ar80 said:


> I don’t think that my father comes before my wife. I also don’t think that issues like this are worth divorcing over. I would like to strengthen our relationship and grow together.


Then she should be able to rely on you to stand with her instead of your father. I don't know what he said or anything about the context, but based only on what you've said here, your father is rude to her for no reason and you're asking her to stand there and take it. That does NOT mean that you have to indulge all of her tantrums. Growing a human is hard and hormones are real, not a made-up, feminist trope. Ask a doctor, your hormones are nuts when you're pregnant. But you say she's like this all the time. It is not bullying her to expect her to act like an adult, but holding you hostage with emotional outbursts IS bullying and you don't have to tolerate it. 

What if you said, look, one last try. I know my dad was a jerk in the past, but I'm going to talk to him and he's going to be polite. If he isn't, I will ask him to leave. Then DO those things. Caveat is she needs to be more patient and mature, because having a spoiled brat for a wife is not in your life plan.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Bloody oath!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Start doing what?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ar80 said:


> This was a mistake that I made. I didn’t say anything when he said insulting things. They were such small things, but they added up over time. For example, he’d say something like “if you didn’t get the vaccine, then you deserve to die if you catch covid” when my wife’s parents aren’t vaccinated. Or making comments about people’s weight when my wife’s mother has weight issues.


OK, I'd like to change my answer a little bit. If THESE are things that are upsetting her, and that's truly it, then she's being a big baby about it. But again, I'm on the outside with only part of the story.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Then she should be able to rely on you to stand with her instead of your father. I don't know what he said or anything about the context, but based only on what you've said here, your father is rude to her for no reason and you're asking her to stand there and take it. That does NOT mean that you have to indulge all of her tantrums. Growing a human is hard and hormones are real, not a made-up, feminist trope. Ask a doctor, your hormones are nuts when you're pregnant. But you say she's like this all the time. It is not bullying her to expect her to act like an adult, but holding you hostage with emotional outbursts IS bullying and you don't have to tolerate it.
> 
> What if you said, look, one last try. I know my dad was a jerk in the past, but I'm going to talk to him and he's going to be polite. If he isn't, I will ask him to leave. Then DO those things. Caveat is she needs to be more patient and mature, because having a spoiled brat for a wife is not in your life plan.


Unfortunately, the issues with my dad run deeper than rude things he says. There have also been a number of things that have betrayed a lack of character, and it would be impossible to guarantee that he’d be acceptable. He’s also a poor houseguest in certain ways. So I can see where she’s coming from with all of this.
But the outbursts, as you put it, do make me feel bullied, and I’ve brought it up with her tonight. She’s apologized and I believe that she’s sincere. It’s still an attribute of hers that she’ll need to improve upon and it’s hard to deal with.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Since she’s pregnant and your dad makes her upset……..he doesn’t get to stay overnight. Simple. Your das should be understanding on this.
Not being able to FaceTime him with your 2 yr old, that’s not acceptable to me. Your wife not only ruling the roost, but taking her anger out on you….. also unacceptable. Why did you have kids with her, marry her, etc.
You seem to be really passive, indecisive, and willing to work 80 hrs a week to be a mile for the family.

Does your wife work? If not, why not?
My suggestion is to stop allowing your wife’s angry outbursts over things you KNOW aren’t reasonable. Stop letting her dictate your every move. Stop being so passive. When you haven’t done anything wrong, simply be firm and NOT accept mistreatment. State your case and walk off. If she follows, tell her you’re not tolerating her unreasonable behavior. 

But no, I would say it’s not the right time for dad to visit. Your wife should be comfortable in her own home without being forced to deal with your obnoxious dad that has character problems, especially a new mother.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Time to make things uncomfortable with your dad.

tell him the exact things he has said that have upset your wife. Tell him that those things aren’t acceptable. Tell him if he ever wants to stay at your place again, then he needs to apologize to her and say that he won’t speak like that again. Until then, he is not allowed to stay in the house you and your wife share. If he can’t agree to that, then let him know you are choosing your wife and he can stay in a hotel. Regardless, the choice is up to him. He can continue being an asshole, or he can be a better man and become a part of your family.

secondly, you said that your wife treats you like crap whether she is pregnant or not. Time to take care of that. First thing that should go towards fixing that is standing up to your dad and not avoiding confrontation. Take care of your business. Show your wife you are confident and strong. Then lay down some boundaries. She is not allowed to treat you as less than equal.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

ar80 said:


> This was a mistake that I made. I didn’t say anything when he said insulting things. They were such small things, but they added up over time. For example, he’d say something like “if you didn’t get the vaccine, then you deserve to die if you catch covid” when my wife’s parents aren’t vaccinated. Or making comments about people’s weight when my wife’s mother has weight issues.


Dude, one of your jobs as a husband is to protect your wife, yet you stood by and did nothing while your father attacked her. Now you want him to stay in your home over your wife's objections because you're uncomfortable telling him to stay in a hotel? Well you poor thing! Why are you afraid of your father? If it were me, he would never set foot in my home again. Man up and deal with your father.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@ar80 Everything you write makes me believe you lack a solid backbone and are a "nice guy". Being a nice is isn't actually a nice thing. You couldn't stand up to your Dad when you should have and nipped his nonsense in the bud. And it looks like you can't stand up for yourself when dealing with your wife either. You just don't want to rock anyone's boat. 

The Dad is the bigger issue at the moment. With the exception of children, spouses come before all other family members. Your Dad sounds like an ass with no filter. Now is your opportunity to set him straight. I would tell him you love him and want him near by, but things he says and does cause you and your family to stress out. Now is not a time for added stress for you and your wife, so he will be in a hotel. Man up and take some leadership in your life and marriage.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ar80 said:


> Thank you for siding with me, but I’m really trying to find some constructive suggestions about improving the situation.


Easy. Say he's staying with you.

Edited to add: I didn't see where he said if you don't the vaccine you deserve to die. If that was specific to her and not an in general idiotic comment my position will change.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Easy. Say he's staying with you.
> 
> Edited to add: I didn't see where he said if you don't the vaccine you deserve to die. If that was specific to her and not an in general idiotic comment my position will change.


He needs to fix the situation with his dad first or he will make things with his wife even worse.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @ar80 Everything you write makes me believe you lack a solid backbone and are a "nice guy". Being a nice is isn't actually a nice thing. You couldn't stand up to your Dad when you should have and nipped his nonsense in the bud. And it looks like you can't stand up for yourself when dealing with your wife either. You just don't want to rock anyone's boat.
> 
> The Dad is the bigger issue at the moment. With the exception of children, spouses come before all other family members. Your Dad sounds like an ass with no filter. Now is your opportunity to set him straight. I would tell him you love him and want him near by, but things he says and does cause you and your family to stress out. Now is not a time for added stress for you and your wife, so he will be in a hotel. Man up and take some leadership in your life and marriage.


If father is just a dk, I like this too.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Time to make things uncomfortable with your dad.
> 
> tell him the exact things he has said that have upset your wife. Tell him that those things aren’t acceptable. Tell him if he ever wants to stay at your place again, then he needs to apologize to her and say that he won’t speak like that again. Until then, he is not allowed to stay in the house you and your wife share. If he can’t agree to that, then let him know you are choosing your wife and he can stay in a hotel. Regardless, the choice is up to him. He can continue being an asshole, or he can be a better man and become a part of your family.
> 
> secondly, you said that your wife treats you like crap whether she is pregnant or not. Time to take care of that. First thing that should go towards fixing that is standing up to your dad and not avoiding confrontation. Take care of your business. Show your wife you are confident and strong. Then lay down some boundaries. She is not allowed to treat you as less than equal.


Durn. Crap from W in general, crap from dad. I'm sensing a pattern.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

The feedback I’m getting here is helpful. While there have been a few different takes on things, my main takeaway is that it will be good for me to be more assertive with everyone in my family.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Easy. Say he's staying with you.
> 
> Edited to add: I didn't see where he said if you don't the vaccine you deserve to die. If that was specific to her and not an in general idiotic comment my position will change.


It was a general idiotic comment. That’s the thing with him, he just says stupid things without considering that it will be insulting to someone. He won’t say it directly about them but misses how it could affect people around him. He talks so much trash about people who have been kind to him that my wife is confident that he says bad things about her family when we’re not around (I’m pretty sure she’s right, based on his MO).


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> Dude, one of your jobs as a husband is to protect your wife, yet you stood by and did nothing while your father attacked her. Now you want him to stay in your home over your wife's objections because you're uncomfortable telling him to stay in a hotel? Well you poor thing! Why are you afraid of your father? If it were me, he would never set foot in my home again. Man up and deal with your father.


Yes this is true. It was a big miss on my part and something that I intend to be better about from now on. Sometimes I miss the diss until it’s too late. Remember Will Smith laughing until he looked over at Jada and realized she wasn’t happy? I haven’t laughed at my dad’s stupid comments, but have often missed how it was insulting until my wife told me later. I’m now much more in tune with this.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @ar80 Everything you write makes me believe you lack a solid backbone and are a "nice guy". Being a nice is isn't actually a nice thing. You couldn't stand up to your Dad when you should have and nipped his nonsense in the bud. And it looks like you can't stand up for yourself when dealing with your wife either. You just don't want to rock anyone's boat.
> 
> The Dad is the bigger issue at the moment. With the exception of children, spouses come before all other family members. Your Dad sounds like an ass with no filter. Now is your opportunity to set him straight. I would tell him you love him and want him near by, but things he says and does cause you and your family to stress out. Now is not a time for added stress for you and your wife, so he will be in a hotel. Man up and take some leadership in your life and marriage.


Tough to read but you have a point. A lot of the time I just weigh the pros and cons of getting into things with my wife. Do I want to start something up now, with our daughter sitting here? Or just walk away from the situation? Do I want two hours of arguing and my wife furiously yelling at me? Or should I get in with my day because there’s so much to do? A lot of the time it’s just me avoiding conflict or kicking the can down the road, and sometimes it’s just a matter of choosing my battles. 
As far as my dad goes, I am going to be more on his case, and I told him I will be.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Time to make things uncomfortable with your dad.
> 
> tell him the exact things he has said that have upset your wife. Tell him that those things aren’t acceptable. Tell him if he ever wants to stay at your place again, then he needs to apologize to her and say that he won’t speak like that again. Until then, he is not allowed to stay in the house you and your wife share. If he can’t agree to that, then let him know you are choosing your wife and he can stay in a hotel. Regardless, the choice is up to him. He can continue being an asshole, or he can be a better man and become a part of your family.
> 
> secondly, you said that your wife treats you like crap whether she is pregnant or not. Time to take care of that. First thing that should go towards fixing that is standing up to your dad and not avoiding confrontation. Take care of your business. Show your wife you are confident and strong. Then lay down some boundaries. She is not allowed to treat you as less than equal.


Things are beyond apologies with my dad. He’s shown who he is and there are too many things that are offensive to my wife. My only hope is that she can feel secure enough that I’ll enforce boundaries in the future that she’ll be more open to him being around.
Working with the wife on these issues now. Had a long talk last night. I think I’m being heard. But she will have to decide to change some things about herself and this takes time.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Since she’s pregnant and your dad makes her upset……..he doesn’t get to stay overnight. Simple. Your das should be understanding on this.
> Not being able to FaceTime him with your 2 yr old, that’s not acceptable to me. Your wife not only ruling the roost, but taking her anger out on you….. also unacceptable. Why did you have kids with her, marry her, etc.
> You seem to be really passive, indecisive, and willing to work 80 hrs a week to be a mile for the family.
> 
> ...


She doesn’t work. She is afraid to drive (gets panic attacks), which makes working hard for her. She’s done freelance work over the years, but it’s been hit and miss. She takes care of our daughter all day now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When you say he has said some offensive things to her what do you mean? Some people are very easily offended and some not so much.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ar80 said:


> She doesn’t work. She is afraid to drive (gets panic attacks), which makes working hard for her. She’s done freelance work over the years, but it’s been hit and miss. She takes care of our daughter all day now.


Are there local jobs she could do once the baby is older? Can she get a bus?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ar80 said:


> She doesn’t work. She is afraid to drive (gets panic attacks), which makes working hard for her. She’s done freelance work over the years, but it’s been hit and miss. She takes care of our daughter all day now.


Sounds like you’ve got yourself a moocher to me, with crazy excuses not to work/- or just crazy.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Wow. Can’t drive? There’s a lot of problems going on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

When you stand back and do nothing you let life take you where it wants. Whether it’s your father or your wife. 
From what I’ve seen conflict avoidant people live on eggshells. Hoping it’ll all just go away.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

on a more general note when we are talking about families , as you grow older and more together you start to take in laws and even brothers less important especially if they act rude of invasive , the ones that are good with you will be close the others you will start to see less and less ,


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just what do you expect your wife to do with your father while you are:


ar80 said:


> I’m working 10-12 hour days, almost 7 days a week.


You expect your wife to tolerate a house guest who admittedly isn't house broken and likes to bite people.

Be blunt with your dad and tell him that while you would like to get to the point of having him as a guest you can't handle the strife when he acts like he's the king of the castle and treats you and yours like dirt.

Sure, you don't mind your dad visiting because you won't be around to put up with him.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Your dad sounds absolutely awful. I get it. He sounds concerning and I can also see that standing up to him would make things 10 times worse, later. When he’s had time to stew, plot his revenge, and put enough fear into everyone around him. Because everyone will take his side, naturally. Because it’s better to be his friend than a target, right? So eventually, the psychological pressure would damage you. That’s how it works, right? That’s what you know, and what you’re afraid of.

So if you were to stand up to him, things would be pretty horrific for a few years. But then he WOULD find a new target and completely forget about you. I’m sad that you love your dad, but that he doesn’t love you. He really doesn’t. He’d also love for you to end up divorced.

You might think some way your wife is wanting you to choose sides, or being disrespectful to you, or demanding. And other things. But let me ask you (and you know the answer) is your wife in any way like your dad? Or does she really love you? And you her? I can see that you agree with her, that’s great. If in any way she is controlling or or like your father, then you do nothing, and let the two fight it out themselves. Because she might be like your dad, controlling and frightening and lazy - she wants a war but via a third person. Where the two roughies want to assert dominance but they want someone else to do it for them.

Now you know your wife, and if she’s not like your father, she then has a lot of respect for you as a man and wants you to lead and make the decision and not disrupt your relationship with him. Sure, she could stand up and say some choice words… but I think in the long run you would eventually resent her for not letting you do what needed to be done a long time ago.

I also have to ask… is there a safety issue with him? Should he really be allowed anywhere near kids? You don’t have to answer this question here. But I’m sensing he probably shouldn’t be.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ar80 said:


> A lot of the time I just weigh the pros and cons of getting into things with my wife. Do I want to start something up now, with our daughter sitting here? Or just walk away from the situation? Do I want two hours of arguing and my wife furiously yelling at me?


None of the ^^above.^^ The reason there is an issue with "getting into things" is because you lack clear boundaries. An adult who is "furiously yelling" during a disagreement is not exhibiting any maturity or self-control. 

So, since you asked what you do, I'll give you my take on it. You state your truth/opinion. If yelling ensues, you put up your hand in a "stop" gesture. Calmly state you will not continue to discuss the issue until things calm down. You then walk away - to another room, out of the house to walk around the block, whatever it takes.

Be prepared to be met with further meltdowns and tantrums. The key here is to maintain your composure, enforce your boundaries, and make it clear YOU won't accept all the yelling. The more you hold your ground and she realizes you're not going to tolerate her behavior, the sooner things will become calmer. JMO


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

No house guests with new baby!

If you cannot talk to your Dad then I don’t know what to tell you about that.

However I will say that you and wife might benefit from some counseling after baby arrives and get settled. You sound like you are scared to talk to her and she sounds like she is acting “like a bull in a china cabinet” instead of communicating with you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ar80 said:


> My wife has developed a hatred for my dad. He’s a rather self-centered person with poor manners, and has said some offensive things to my wife over the years. In addition to this, he has shown a lack of character in many important situations. I understand where she’s coming from.
> While I have issues with my dad, I don’t think he’s a terrible person, or toxic to be around. Just generally annoying and often inappropriate/immature. We’ve limited our relationship with him, and I while I talk with him every couple of weeks, I seldom FaceTime with our 2 year old daughter, simply because it’s so awkward to even let my wife know. It is painful to me because I love my dad, despite his faults.
> We are expecting a baby soon, and he’d like to visit. My wife doesn’t want him in the house, and wants him to stay in a hotel. The idea of asking him to do this is very uncomfortable, and it will certainly change our relationship. I’m willing to do this for my wife, and have done what I can to let her know that I’m on her side. Still, I’ve asked her to please consider letting him stay for just a few days, for my sake. She takes this as me siding with my dad over her, no matter how I try to explain it. I have a lot of anxiety over this (I stated seeing a therapist over this whole issue, in fact) and it makes me very sad. I don’t feel like I can really talk to my wife about it. I feel like I’m making a tremendous sacrifice for her but I don’t think she appreciates the gravity it carries for me and for my dad and brother.
> On top of this, partly due to her pregnancy, she is very irritable with me, and I feel like every day I do things that insult her or let her down, or that I’m irresponsible or something. For example, this morning, the first thing she said to me as we woke up was that she “feels like crap” and I asked her if she didn’t sleep well. She got mad at me and said that I never understand that she’s pregnant and that I’m always trying to minimize her feelings. I’m fairly sensitive about this, and always make an attempt to understand her situation. Or I’ll forget to do something, like I’ll clean the kitchen but overlook something so there’s a detail that I didn’t clean properly. She’ll be furious with me. I could list things all day, but my point is that I’m feeling like her feelings run the show, and that my feelings are not to be mentioned, because she gets so angry if I mention how her actions affect me, while I’m doing everything I can to accommodate her feelings, even when there’s a large sacrifice, such as the case of my dad. I feel like every move I make might be something that I’ll be in trouble for. My anxiety is quite high. On top of this, I’m working 10-12 hour days, almost 7 days a week. It just feels lopsided.
> ...


Oh come on. Don't you think having a new baby in the house is going to be overwhelming enough or being in the last weeks of pregnancy without the added strain and irritation? Of course you love your dad. But you know he's inappropriate and irritating. 

You need to tell him this is not the right time with her getting ready to have a baby to try to have a house guest. You go to his hotel and take him out to eat and spend a bunch of time with him. Maybe the next day you do a quick lunch and ask if your wife wants to go with just to say hi but don't be surprised if she doesn't.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m wanting to know the following:

Why you can’t just say no to dad?
Why you feel working 10-12 hrs a day nearly 7 days a week while your wife stays at home is fair?

why you feel it’s safe for your wife not to drive and be able to take care of herself if something happened to you?

Why you allow your wife to bully you?

Why you chose to have a baby with a woman that mistreats you and uses you.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ar80 said:


> Tough to read but you have a point. A lot of the time I just weigh the pros and cons of getting into things with my wife. Do I want to start something up now, with our daughter sitting here? Or just walk away from the situation? Do I want two hours of arguing and my wife furiously yelling at me? Or should I get in with my day because there’s so much to do? A lot of the time it’s just me avoiding conflict or kicking the can down the road, and sometimes it’s just a matter of choosing my battles.
> As far as my dad goes, I am going to be more on his case, and I told him I will be.


You don’t understand. 
Standing up for yourself and setting boundaries and expectations has nothing to do with arguing or fighting. 

It’s about not tolerating bad or disrespectful / insulting behavior. 
It’s not about words, it’s about actions.
It’s not about getting her to understand your feelings, it’s about deciding for yourself what you will and won’t tolerate, and acting accordingly.

If your wife is being disrespectful or having a tantrum or being insulting to you, leave and do something else. 
Go to the gym, go to the garage, go do some work, go take the kids out for ice cream and tell her she’s not invited until she changes her attitude and behavior.
Stop engaging with her. Stop giving her your time and attention. Don’t get upset, don’t get sad, don’t get angry. 
Be emotionally non-reactive and show her that you will not tolerate disrespectful behavior.

The core problem (with your wife anyway) seems to be that there’s a power imbalance in your marriage and it’s not in your favor.

Women respect strength, confidence and leadership in men, and disrespect passive, weak men who allow themselves to be walked on. 
If you can’t stand up to her, then you can’t stand up for her. And unfortunately, it sounds like both in this case.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ar80 said:


> Start doing what?


Building a closer relationship with your dad and family.



ar80 said:


> Unfortunately, the issues with my dad run deeper than rude things he says. There have also been a number of things that have betrayed a lack of character, and it would be impossible to guarantee that he’d be acceptable. He’s also a poor houseguest in certain ways. So I can see where she’s coming from with all of this.
> But the outbursts, as you put it, do make me feel bullied, and I’ve brought it up with her tonight. She’s apologized and I believe that she’s sincere. It’s still an attribute of hers that she’ll need to improve upon and it’s hard to deal with.


Your wife and your dad are 2 separate issues. While you're bringing a new baby home is not the time to attempt to start rebuilding things with your dad and wife. Your dad needs to stay in a hotel this time. Another question is, are you taking time off while your dad is going to be there? Surely you don't expect your wife to keep him busy while you work the entire time? That's ridiculously unreasonable. If you're going to be working there's no point in him coming at all.

As to your wife, the pregnancy won't be helping but it's not all hormones. How far along is she? If she's almost due I'd leave it, and maintain the status quo. Wait until bubba is a couple of months old and then talk with her about how you're feeling and things changing. Leave your dad out of it for now, repair your marriage first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds like you’ve got yourself a moocher to me, with crazy excuses not to work/- or just crazy.


So, let's get this right. "A stay at home mother is a moocher?"

No.


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## ar80 (Jul 19, 2018)

Lots odd great feedback here. I wonder how much one’s situation gets misunderstood when trying to represent people and relationships in a single post (and one that focuses on problems). My dad isn’t a dangerous, vindictive, or hateful person. He’s mostly annoying, inconsiderate, selfish, clueless. But he also has a good heart. The things that he’s said that were offensive were always indirect – more like him running his mouth and not considering how it would apply to people around him, rather than directing it to anyone.
I’ve talked about my wife here, and the problems we have, but it seems like a lot of you are reading this as her being just terrible. First, she is being a stay at home mom, so I don’t think that’s freeloading. She’s also loving and loyal. Just had trouble managing emotions and communicating clearly.
I’m self employed and mostly work from home, so my wife would not be alone to entertain my dad. That would be an entirely different situation. I’d be taking time off when he’s here and creating an itinerary so there isn’t idle time at the house. The proposed visit is at the week between Christmas and New Year, for a few days. Baby is due in about a month.
Main takeaways for me is to set clear boundaries with people around me, and to not tolerate things like dad’s stupid comments and wife’s belligerence.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your dad is not all bad or good but you have to admit he'd be a bad inconsiderate house guest under the best of circumstances. With a new baby this is not the best circumstance. You tell him that you appreciate his offer to stay but in the midst of turmoil it would be better if he stayed in a hotel. If he gets all hurt about that let him pout. 

Take a deep breath when your pregnant wife lashes out at you. Let her words roll over you without reacting. She's uncomfortable. Love her but don't cater to her. 

In the future when anybody including your dad insults her, stick up for her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ar80 said:


> Lots odd great feedback here. I wonder how much one’s situation gets misunderstood when trying to represent people and relationships in a single post (and one that focuses on problems). My dad isn’t a dangerous, vindictive, or hateful person. He’s mostly annoying, inconsiderate, selfish, clueless. But he also has a good heart. The things that he’s said that were offensive were always indirect – more like him running his mouth and not considering how it would apply to people around him, rather than directing it to anyone.
> I’ve talked about my wife here, and the problems we have, but it seems like a lot of you are reading this as her being just terrible. First, she is being a stay at home mom, so I don’t think that’s freeloading. She’s also loving and loyal. Just had trouble managing emotions and communicating clearly.
> I’m self employed and mostly work from home, so my wife would not be alone to entertain my dad. That would be an entirely different situation. I’d be taking time off when he’s here and creating an itinerary so there isn’t idle time at the house. The proposed visit is at the week between Christmas and New Year, for a few days. Baby is due in about a month.
> Main takeaways for me is to set clear boundaries with people around me, and to not tolerate things like dad’s stupid comments and wife’s belligerence.


A few days, months after the baby is born sounds reasonable.


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

ar80 said:


> Thank you for the input. I agree that b be begging is not becoming, and I haven’t done that. But I’ve tried to negotiate and to feel out what the limit of her comfort is. As for the other things I mentioned, I do need to stand up for myself more. I tend to avoid conflict, so it’s easier in the immediate to just shrug things off but it can bottle up too.


That is definitely your responsibility in this. You are completely valid in how you feel about the situation and I agree with you completely. In law relationships are always tricky and the generation gap alone can create differences in how we view respect and social etiquette. 
Your wife gets compassion and empathy for the fact that she is pregnant and therefore hormones are not balanced and irrational behavior follows. Having said that- she doesn't get to make decisions that have long term and far reaching consequences based on short term feelings and interactions. 
Your dad is very important to you and I'm going to assume he helped raise you to be the man she thought was good enough to marry and populate the earth with. I'm willing to bet that he has not put anyone's safety in jeopardy and that his behavior is not malicious, albeit off-putting and annoying. If that is all true then your wife should absolutely care about your family that you love and want a relationship with. She should be willing for YOUR sake to put on a smile for the visits and be uncomfortable for a few hours/days if it means you have your loved ones and family around. 
Not to mention, the benefits of extended family for children are widely researched and hugely evident. Children learning they have people other than mom and dad who love them, that they can depend on and be safe with is vital to their sense of security and worth. You want to do everything you can to nurture and support those bonds in forming. 
You have a lot of options here. 
You have to start with not tolerating rudeness or condescending behavior from anyone. Including and especially your wife and family. You simply say- "I want to understand this but right now you're being rude etc and I don't deserve that." Then you excuse yourself from the room. You teach people how to treat you. What you allow is what will continue. 
Once you get into the habit of respecting yourself and expecting it from others your confidence will increase. 

The anxiety you feel is your instincts telling you that you are not taking care of yourself. You are trying to compromise your core values and everything in you is screaming NO. Listen to it. 
If someone truly loves you they will not support you living with anxiety and going against your values. 
You sound like a good guy and you are doing your best with a lot of physical and emotional demands put on you. I think you can safely trust yourself and what your gut is telling you. 

Best Wishes


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

ar80 said:


> My wife has developed a hatred for my dad. He’s a rather self-centered person with poor manners, and has said some offensive things to my wife over the years. In addition to this, he has shown a lack of character in many important situations. I understand where she’s coming from.
> While I have issues with my dad, I don’t think he’s a terrible person, or toxic to be around. Just generally annoying and often inappropriate/immature. We’ve limited our relationship with him, and I while I talk with him every couple of weeks, I seldom FaceTime with our 2 year old daughter, simply because it’s so awkward to even let my wife know. It is painful to me because I love my dad, despite his faults.
> We are expecting a baby soon, and he’d like to visit. My wife doesn’t want him in the house, and wants him to stay in a hotel. The idea of asking him to do this is very uncomfortable, and it will certainly change our relationship. I’m willing to do this for my wife, and have done what I can to let her know that I’m on her side. Still, I’ve asked her to please consider letting him stay for just a few days, for my sake. She takes this as me siding with my dad over her, no matter how I try to explain it. I have a lot of anxiety over this (I stated seeing a therapist over this whole issue, in fact) and it makes me very sad. I don’t feel like I can really talk to my wife about it. I feel like I’m making a tremendous sacrifice for her but I don’t think she appreciates the gravity it carries for me and for my dad and brother.
> On top of this, partly due to her pregnancy, she is very irritable with me, and I feel like every day I do things that insult her or let her down, or that I’m irresponsible or something. For example, this morning, the first thing she said to me as we woke up was that she “feels like crap” and I asked her if she didn’t sleep well. She got mad at me and said that I never understand that she’s pregnant and that I’m always trying to minimize her feelings. I’m fairly sensitive about this, and always make an attempt to understand her situation. Or I’ll forget to do something, like I’ll clean the kitchen but overlook something so there’s a detail that I didn’t clean properly. She’ll be furious with me. I could list things all day, but my point is that I’m feeling like her feelings run the show, and that my feelings are not to be mentioned, because she gets so angry if I mention how her actions affect me, while I’m doing everything I can to accommodate her feelings, even when there’s a large sacrifice, such as the case of my dad. I feel like every move I make might be something that I’ll be in trouble for. My anxiety is quite high. On top of this, I’m working 10-12 hour days, almost 7 days a week. It just feels lopsided.
> ...


She has to respect him, attend his events as a couple, a few. Keep her mouth shut at his house,
And you need to tell your dad to reign it in, and the reasons why. Don't you dare say my wife hates you. You both wil have a forever war.
Your an adult pls set adult boundaries,with him and your wife. Are you a beta?


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