# Need help- constant lies about pornography



## completelydevastated

I am so hurt and sad. I am more computer savvy than my significant other and over the past few months I have noticed cookies and history items that make me believe that he has been watching porn.

I have confronted him at least 10 or 15 times about this issue and he keeps telling me that it must be from when he checks his email and that he has no idea why it would be there, and is getting very upset with me for asking so many times.

However I see searches for certain websites or certain pornographic actresses and I know that he is lying to me.

He has told me so many times that I am beautiful, I'm the only thing he needs, etc. and that he wouldn't watch some fake **** on the internet. Why do I keep finding the same history then? He has tried to cover his tracks by deleting recent websites but google still shows suggestions and there are still cookies viewed as he doesn't know how to clear those.

We have been together for over 5 years and have a 2 year old together, we are not married as he keeps saying "its like we're married", even though he knows I have wanted to tie the knot. I had many problems during my pregnancy with hyperemesis (extreme vomiting and inability to hold anything down to the point of being hospitalized) and I had 3 previous positive pregnancies that were lost. 

This has caused me to become very unhealthy and I have gained weight which I am not proud of, and have an issue with my body already which is not being helped by seeing this. Our sex life was affected as a result of these things, and he had acted very supportive but now I see he is not.

I really don't know what to do- I can't afford to live on my own with my child and I fear that this is taking a horrible toll on my mental health. I am feeling so depressed and I have no friends or family to talk to about this, I just don't know what to do except cry.


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## Hope1964

He's lying because he knows it would (does) upset you. It has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing.

Men watch porn. It's a fact of life. As long as that's all he's doing (ie he isn't sex chatting or something), and it isn't affecting his/your lives in other ways, if there is any way you can put up with it and stop taking it so personally, then do. It would make your lives SO much easier.

Have you ever watched porn? If not you should. Do it with him. It's a great turn on.

If you truly cannot stand him watching porn, you will either have to break up with him, or totally call him out on it and make him have a net nanny or something. Which will just mean he'll go farther underground with it, probably.


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## Nikki1023

Hope1964;444479
Men watch porn. It's a fact of life. As long as that's all he's doing (ie he isn't sex chatting or something) said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Its really not that bad, and it isnt that big of a deal. But your feelings are your feelings, and you really have to think what bothers you most about it.
> 
> Watch it with him..he'll be paying more attention to your reaction, then the porno. Have sex with him with it on..trust me, he wont even look at it.
> 
> Feeling insecure with the way you look at some point in your life is normal Id say. Dont let it ruin your life though.
> 
> good luck


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## diamondmate

I guess its really normal that man watch porn. My dad watch porn before and my mom knows about it, but mom dont care about that. I guess that is much better than be cheated in real life.

____________

 free money online poker


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## Mindful Coach

It's not okay to watch internet porn if it's not okay with both partners. Internet porn is way too personal, besides the fact that it can come with viruses and other bugs that will completely screw up your computer.

Do you have issues with him watching other porn? He's obviously fascinated by it, so what if the two of you picked out some porn to watch together that is not through the internet? 

My guess is that it's more than the porn though, my guess is it's also about him lying about it to you, that has to be hurtful. It might be time to clear the air about this with him.

I have two eBooks that might be helpful for you, they are both free. One is about Rebuilding and Deepening Trust with each other - you don't have to sign up for that one. The other is more for just YOU, to help you with your feelings of depression and get you back in a happier place. You do have to sign up for the newsletter for that one, but I rarely send out newsletters and I don't share information with anyone, so it is safe. You can find those at these two web addresses:
http://www.inspir3.com/download/Rebuild-and-Deepen-Trust-in-Your-Relationship.pdf
"Hey, You Look Different" eBook is on the homepage of Practical Personal Development and Improvement - Inspir3.

Please do something nice for yourself today and for your "May as well be Husband", you are both hurting.


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## tacoma

Is his porn use affecting your sex life?

If not then what exactly is the problem?

He's hiding it and lying about it because you make his life miserable over it.
Stop making his life miserable over it, accept it and he will stop hiding it and lying about it in time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

Make sure you are doing something you like as well. If his thing is porn, and its not affecting your sex life, then whatever you are doing you enjoy, then he really can't say anything.


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## that_girl

It's not ok to lie. I hope he isn't.

And the saying "it's like we're married..." is a lie too.

It's not like you're married. My husband and I lived together for 2 years and had a baby before marriage. We didn't want to get married because it was "just like we were married". But we decided it would be best for our family so we tied the knot. It was never like we were married. At all. It's much better now (with some issues in there but it's all good now). I love being married. But it is different.

Sorry to take that part of your post and run with it. It just sounds shady and I have been where you are. It's no fun


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## PBear

Lieing to you about the porn is bad, yes. But is he in a situation where he's left with what he sees as no options? You mentioned your sex life has suffered due to some things, and he gets in trouble when he gets caught watching porn. What would you like from him? Should he sign up to get neutered, so he doesn't have any urges?

It seems that the two of you may need to both take a step back and discuss what's expected in your marriage. And if you need help with your body image issues (from him or someone else), what are you doing to get that help? Have you looked at joint counseling? If its a matter of cost, I can pretty much guarantee counseling is cheaper than separating or divorce.

I don't mean to put this all on you. But you're the one posting in here, not him. And the only person who's feeling and actions you control are your own.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## annagarret

Hope1964 said:


> He's lying because he knows it would (does) upset you. It has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing.
> 
> Men watch porn. It's a fact of life. As long as that's all he's doing (ie he isn't sex chatting or something), and it isn't affecting his/your lives in other ways, if there is any way you can put up with it and stop taking it so personally, then do. It would make your lives SO much easier.
> 
> Have you ever watched porn? If not you should. Do it with him. It's a great turn on.
> 
> If you truly cannot stand him watching porn, you will either have to break up with him, or totally call him out on it and make him have a net nanny or something. Which will just mean he'll go farther underground with it, probably.


UGGGHHHH.Not all men watch porn! All men STRUGGLE with porn big difference. Yes, as women we take it personal and we shouldn't. Men have a box in their mind for their wife and a box in their mind for their porn. No, don't start watching porn with him, that won't make your relationship grow more intimate. Do try to read and learn on your own how men are. They are so wonderfully different. This is a deeply male struggle. As you learn about men and your own man in particular, you will acquire more coompassion and understanding. Then gently, and non-threateningly talk TO him not AT him about how it makes you feel. When he feels secure with you understanding what it is like to be male he, hopefully will be able to change his habit. This takes a lot of deep wisdon on behalf of the woman. You cannot judge him. Even if you were to leave and find another man he will still struggle with porn too. Hang in there.


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## WillWeMakeIt

Here is a very interesting website on what porn does to a brain. I found the link to it on psychology today.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn.

Either of you watching porn will NOT be good for your relationship.


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## cookie1986

I see where you're coming from. Maybe you should have a sit down conversation with him. No yelling, no screaming, no blaming. Just sit down and talk about the porn. Let all of your feelings out, after you know what your feelings are, of course. I feel that some of this hurt is due to your self confidence about your body. I also struggle with my body image. You should be completely honest with him about the reasons you don't like him watching porn and about him lying about watching porn. I don't feel it's ok to lie, or to indulge in something that hurts your partners feelings. However I bet he isn't trying to do either. 
I also agree with some of the other posts about maybe watching some together that you both feel comfortable with. 
Hope this helps.


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## Lon

If he is lying to you he is either has a bad moral compass or else he has a compulsion to watch and he can't stop himself and he is ashamed of both his own weakness as well as hurting you. I would say if he is a nice man its definitely the latter. Porn is not the problem its his compulsion that he is struggling to deal with.


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## OliveAdventure

CompletelyDevestated, not all men watch porn. Men don't NEED porn, and anyone who says that is not being truthful. Porn is something that should ONLY exist if both partners are for it, and even if one hesitates a bit and really isn't sure, it should never ever be pushed. With that being said, couples who watch porn can do so and be okay, but not if one is doing it to please the other. My fiance does NOT watch porn, and won't, unless I wanted to with him. Because I struggled with an ex lying about his fantasies and porn, I'm not totally okay with it but I have to admit its an idea I toy with from time to time. If my fiance pressured me you can bet I'd say hell no. Porn, like alcohol, is an addiction. My friend struggled with her now fiance for years through it. They are now porn free and engaged and doing well. I applaud her for staying as long as she did and helping him through it. 

If you are not ok with it, then it is not okay!!!! Please don't settle for anything less than you being happy. 

If he is willing to honestly stop and start being a man about sex, you guys can make it, but you need him 100% there with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBG

This is something that I've personally been dealing with for the last few months, our problem started at the height of our arguing and my emotional disconnection. The first time I found it I confronted him about it and he said that it must be from a music downloading site. I let it go because we'd had this issue in the past and I know for sure it was the site because it was downloading porn when my hubby was deployed. Since I knew that I was the only one using the comp and it wasn't me well it had to be that site. Now we're using a different site and it happened again.

After that though I started checking more often and these videos and pics were going to folders that were buried inside his work folders. He knows that I am completely aware of how to show/hide folders so he wouldn't just try that because of course that was the first thing I checked. I found the porn by just doing a regular search of the computer. I was livid because now that I knew he was burying it, it wasn't just the site. I took a few minutes to look at the type of porn he was viewing before deleting it as well as every pic/video that he had of me that were sexual (he had tons of me). I knew he had them backed up on a hard drive so that he'd be able to get them back but he'd have to go through the trouble of doing this.

I sent him a text, he was hunting at the time and of course he blamed it on the site. I sent him back a message that said the fact that you downloaded it hurts, the fact that you question my intelligence hurts more, but the haft that you continue to blatantly lie to me hurts the most. He didn't respond but as soon as he got home we had a long discussion about it. He promised that he'd never do it again after I told him how much it hurt me and how it made me feel. He also explained how it made him feel when I denied him sex repeatedly and said that he thought we should work on trying to get back our connection so that I want to have sex with him more.

Since then I've regularly checked his computer and of course he deletes those items out of history because well he's not stupid but I know how to check if he's still visiting these sites. I can see when he accesses them date and time and exactly which ones. I quit yelling about it and continued to work on us while talking to him about it. He still looks at it but much less frequently, typically it's on Mondays while I'm at work and he's off and occasionally I find it on his phone still. We actually just had another discussion about this a few days ago and he does admit that he looked and that we're doing better and once again promised that he wouldn't do it again. Do I believe him? No, not until he proves to me that he's stopped. It's still a battle for us but I do feel like there's been a lot of improvement in our marriage and with his viewing porn.

Interestingly enough, my friend has this same issue with her husband and I talked to my hubby about it and told him what sites he was visiting so of course these were the sites hubby started with. I kick myself for this because before he had never looked at porn. I feel like I implanted the idea in his head. Hubby told meto at that time that my friend should be happy that her hubby was looking at amateur rather than professional because then it's more realistic, what ever. Amateur is just free and easier to access. I explained to hubby that my fear is the escalation that can occur with porn because it might start off kinda vanilla but with time a man is going to need something a little harder to get excited and that it would just continue to need to be more graphic and hardcore to keep him excited. He agreed that this was highly likely. I also explained that I had boundaries on what I was comfortable with and that I was worried that he would want/need the things he is seeing that I am unwilling to do and that he'd start seeking them from someone else. Once again, he said he understood but that he'd never look elsewhere.

Like I said it's still a battle in my house, but I've learned that yelling and criticizing him makes it worse. My hubby said he denied it because he was ashamed to admit the truth to me and I can see that out of him. Hubby also has a very addictive personality which worries me as well. Now, I try to calmly speak to him about it and ask questions as to what he's getting out of it and if there's something in particular that he's looking at that he wants to try. I do have my comfort levels, but I'm no prude. Lastly, porn is something that I'm not willing to live with and it has to stop, but I'm trying to be understanding and patient while we get through this. I've upped the frequency and quality of our sex life and our emotional connection has greatly improved as well. 

I've also stopped questioning myself and my body about this, which was hard to do but hubby is still very much attracted to me and very sexual with me. His drive is like a 10 and I'm closer to a 5, so it's a compromise but I've found the more we have sex the more I want it.

I tell you all of this because you are not alone, many women deal with this and struggle through it. If I had the answer for you I'd post it in a heartbeat because I know how devastating it can be to discover this and how hard you're being on yourself. As long as you're still actively having sex with him and connected to him don't blame yourself. I hope that this is something that stops soon in both of our marriages. Until then try talking calmly to him about how it makes you feel and why you have such an issue with it. I know it's hard, but whatever you do don't ignore it just so you don't argue otherwise you'll grow to resent him about it. I'm not a wife to turn a blind eye to something but I also don't want to come across like I'm his mother either. 

Patience and understanding is all I can offer for now but don't just let it go. Not all men look at porn, mine went 8to years without it and I'm confident it will stop again once we continue to improve our marriage and get back on the right path. Ask questions, lots of them but don't be accusative while doing so, get to the root of the problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grade_school_love&married

tacoma said:


> Is his porn use affecting your sex life?
> 
> If not then what exactly is the problem?
> 
> He's hiding it and lying about it because you make his life miserable over it.
> Stop making his life miserable over it, accept it and he will stop hiding it and lying about it in time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I have to disagree on this one.....my husband and I openly share the viewing of porn.....DVD's, downloaded, instant on the internet, etc... however, I began having a problem with it when he feels that he has to lie about viewing it daily on the internet. I also have a problem with him commenting on the women and what he sees. Why does my husband feel he needs to lie about it when we both openly share this adventure???????


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