# Mismatched intellect



## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Just posing the question. Has a large gap in intellect between spouses ever been a problem for others?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Only when the one on the lower end insists they are the one on the higher end and expects their less knowledgeable views and actions to be the correct ones.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

married tech said:


> Only when the one on the lower end insists they are the one on the higher end and expects their less knowledgeable views and actions to be the correct ones.


Ha! lol


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Well... Mr Adams I q is a few points higher than mine...but he is a man..so he is much smarter than me...and he has never been wrong...ask him...lol


You're funny too


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DH is really smart mathematically and he's a literal thinker.However,his vocab skills and communication skills are lacking.

It presents a challenge when we're having a discussion bc he has trouble understanding things sometimes and I have to state it in several different ways before it clicks for him.I also have to be careful not to use uncommon words bc I realized it makes him feel stupid when he has to ask what I meant. 

Both smart but in different ways


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Mismatched intellects would be a problem for me, if that were the case. My ex was smart, but she thought she was a lot smarter than she was, and was very arrogant about always being right. This is one case where intelligence worked against the relationship.

My wife is much smarter than my ex, and is far more balanced and pragmatic. Our intellectual abilities are in different domains, so we tend to complement each other very well. It can also make for interesting and enlightening conversations on everything from physics to politics. It's not unusual for her to say that I'm right - and vice versa! What a concept!

You may have heard the conundrum: If a man alone in the woods speaks, and his wife cannot hear him, is he still wrong?"?

Answer is here: If a man alone in the woods speaks...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My IQ is so much higher than normal that the only equivalent match would be Sheldon, and since he's fictional, I'm screwed.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

To this day I cannot ever win in a game of scrabble against my wife, grrr. However, if I go shopping with my wife, to keep my mind occupied I do the math in my head as to how much the cash register will ring up in total "damage", including the 4.72% excise tax. 

We are pretty evenly matched, we just have our own gifts.

To let you know how awesome my wife is at scrabble she beat my brother's MIL who is a best selling author from Canada. Damn she is good.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Not a gap in intellect, but differing intellectual strengths, were a problem in my marriage. My ex-husband is highly intelligent and very analytical, an engineer by both temperament and training, and is very mathematically talented. My verbal skills, spatial skills, people skills, and general creativity are much stronger than his, but I suffer from mild dyscalculia. Our I.Q.'s are within a few points of one another, but he obviously considered me to be much less intelligent and often treated me as such. He couldn't wrap his mind around being both smart _and_ having a mild learning disability. Because of that, he was often dismissive, impatient, and sometimes just a real @ss. My ex is clear that he has no time for stupid people, and anyone who's brain is wired a little differently from his, he considers stupid. 

This became a huge problem when our son was in elementary school. He has some visual-motor integration issues, and seems to have inherited my dyscalculia. My ex tended to become very impatient, almost irate, if our son didn't grasp his math homework immediately. It caused problems in their relationship. It also caused problems in our relationship because I disliked seeing him treat our son as if he were just too stupid to be taught.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think it's one of those things that is relative to the couple / person. It matters only if it matters.

Love languages and personality types might also affect it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

My IQ is higher than my wife's and while it does create problems, it isn't something we can't work through. It helps that both of us are reasonably open minded. 

It isn't something I dwell on but the difference crossed my mind the other day. I came home and the second I walked in the door, they all come at me with their problem of the day. I raised my hand and said "guys, please ... give me a break, I just got home ... one at a time please!" It isn't uncommon for me to walk in the door and immediately have a problem to solve before I can even take my coat off but this reached a crescendo that made me lose my patience. The thing is that my wife is perfectly capable of dealing with most of these issues but instead of simply asking for my input she has come to rely on me to take care of it. On that night she peppered me with 4 or 5 problems to solve and I spent the rest of my evening dealing with it. Now I can read into this and come up with several theories as to why she does this but I really think it comes down to a lack of confidence and our conversations frequently support that. She would rather let me deal with it than risk trying it on her own and making a mistake. Unfortunately I see my youngest daughter taking after her mom in this respect and that is a BIG problem.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

Chumpless said:


> Just posing the question. Has a large gap in intellect between spouses ever been a problem for others?


I don't know; I've wondered that too, especially when I see "trophy wives" who may or may not be very intellectual. 
The man I've fallen for is smarter than I am, and much more well read than I, but the marvelous thing is he enjoys intellectual conversations (which is what drew me to him to begin with) and he is never condescending about my lack of knowledge in an area, or mistakes I may have made about something.
He appreciates other skills I have, so we seem to admire each other, each for our strengths.
But I have to have intellectual stimulation; I can't be attracted to someone for any length of time without it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

A difference in intellect is only a problem if the one who is less educated has zero desire to expand his/her horizons to learn. I would say in many cases that it's not so much a mismatch in raw intelligence so much as education level. I have a masters degree, my wife has an associates. I'm more educated, but I don't have much of an issue talk to her about current events and intellectual things.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

My problems with it came more from my arrogance than her failure ro relate.

I'm better but it took some work.
Getting there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

My wife tries to go around with me on this topic fairly often hence the tone of my first post here. 

I agree that raw IQ numbers don't count for much of the person has near zero common sense or workable skill sets.
But still there is a point of where even the practical intelligence of being aware that you probably don't know everything fails some people. 

My wife proved that a while back with a dismal fail at proving she is more on top of things and all around more knowledgeable than me by agreeing to taking basic online IQ tests. 

Lets just say she skipped a number of questions plus had a fit that I didn't help her with her test so her barely socially functional score rating was not a valid reflection of her overall intellect.  

Seriously if you skip questions on a IQ test and throw a fit that someone didn't help you....... welllllllll?????? :scratchhead: 

BTW I scored well. Damn well.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

married tech said:


> My wife tries to go around with me on this topic fairly often hence the tone of my first post here.
> 
> I agree that raw IQ numbers don't count for much of the person has near zero *common sense* or workable skill sets.
> But still there is a point of where even the practical intelligence of being aware that you probably don't know everything fails some people.
> ...



Couldn't agree more. I could care less who is more intelligent but if you have no common sense then I won't be able to deal with you.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yeah, it can matter if the gap is considerable. I mean, do you think you could feel fulfilled in a marriage with a person whose IQ fell in the 50 - 69 range (mild intellectual disability)? If you're of normal intelligence, probably not. 

My H has an average IQ. I do not. It's been a problem.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> My IQ is so much higher than normal that the only equivalent match would be Sheldon, and since he's fictional, I'm screwed.


...and on the Asperger's spectrum and asexual too. (And even the actor is gay..)


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> My IQ is so much higher than normal that the only equivalent match would be Sheldon, and since he's fictional, I'm screwed.


What, no BAZINGA?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Me and my man are 2 points apart in I.Q. We have common interests, like talking about current news, but we are so different in other ways. If I somehow convinced him to read a book, he would take a year to finish it. If he asked me to fix our jeep, it just might take me FOREVER! 

The main thing is, is that we can talk to each other honestly and openly. I also think street smarts count, as well as intuition and gut feelings. An optimal relationship is where you complement each other in different types of intellect, and work as a team. At least that is what I think.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Not a gap in intellect, but differing intellectual strengths, were a problem in my marriage. My ex-husband is highly intelligent and very analytical, an engineer by both temperament and training, and is very mathematically talented. My verbal skills, spatial skills, people skills, and general creativity are much stronger than his, but I suffer from mild dyscalculia. Our I.Q.'s are within a few points of one another, but he obviously considered me to be much less intelligent and often treated me as such. He couldn't wrap his mind around being both smart _and_ having a mild learning disability. Because of that, he was often dismissive, impatient, and sometimes just a real @ss. My ex is clear that he has no time for stupid people, and anyone who's brain is wired a little differently from his, he considers stupid.
> 
> This became a huge problem when our son was in elementary school. He has some visual-motor integration issues, and seems to have inherited my dyscalculia. My ex tended to become very impatient, almost irate, if our son didn't grasp his math homework immediately. It caused problems in their relationship. It also caused problems in our relationship because I disliked seeing him treat our son as if he were just too stupid to be taught.


I think that the problem here is attitudinal, not one of IQ.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> DH is really smart mathematically and he's a literal thinker.However,his vocab skills and communication skills are lacking.



Sounds like my wife. 

Both of us are "smart" but I'm a lot more street smart than she is. We complement each other quite well. 

Ironically we don't exactly see eye to eye but...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> A difference in intellect is only a problem if the one who is less educated has zero desire to expand his/her horizons to learn. I would say in many cases that it's not so much a mismatch in raw intelligence so much as education level. I have a masters degree, my wife has an associates. I'm more educated, but I don't have much of an issue talk to her about current events and intellectual things.


Even at the same education level... Both me and my wife have doctorate degrees but the similarity ends there. Curiosity is something I have in huge quantities, my wife not quite so.

I love mental activities like backgammon or chess, she likes Netflix.

It's what you make of it.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Well... Mr Adams I q is a few points higher than mine...but he is a man..so he is much smarter than me...and he has never been wrong...ask him...lol


I thought I was wrong once, but, that was a mistake.

Actually, I think we are pretty equal in intelligence. We compliment each other intellectually. Mrs. JA always made better grades than me, but she is a suck My IQ may be a bit higher, but I am lazy Anyway we make a good pair. I think she only loved me for my body anyway


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I thought I was wrong once, but, that was a mistake.


:lol:


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I thought I was wrong once, but, that was a mistake.
> 
> Actually, I think we are pretty equal in intelligence. We compliment each other intellectually. Mrs. JA always made better grades than me, but she is a suckMy IQ may be a bit higher, but I am lazy Anyway we make a good pair. I think she only loved me for my body anyway


Been there done that too. 

Supposedly my wife was a near A+ student plus class president (and maybe cheer captain for all I know. Never asked) and I was that guy who could have cared less if those types of people existed back then. 

I was that kid who had the highest IQ in the whole school by 7th grade but didn't care to prove it more than once unless I felt I needed to knock someone on their intellectual ass type. Mostly bored in school and always a PITA to top it off.

Still pretty much that way now. Just less motivated by spite and yea I suspect my wife is also still a suck up at work.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm a sapiosexual. It's one of the reasons I felt in love with my husband. His intellect turned me on. I think we're evenly matched as far as innate intelligence, but I know I'm better at tests and exams. When we were in the same university classes, I always got the higher grade.  

He works in a field I can't even begin to comprehend. It's too technical and difficult for me. My strengths lie elsewhere. Neither one of us looks down on the other. We complement each other. I love that he has a curiosity about people, events, places. Life for me would be boring with someone who never wanted to read a book or travel anywhere new or eat a new ethnic cuisine.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hmm, that's a new word for me: sapiosexual. I, too, am a sapiosexual.

Dh told me once that he married his equal. I thought that was a compliment. Not sure it's true, though, lol.

Dh is an engineer and I never went past trig. Science is way too hard for me. I have a lot of respect for people who can do advanced math and science. I wish I could.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

I don't think it should ever be an issue.

Look - when you marry someone, you presumably know something about them. Not their mores or their innermost "self", but you DO know their eye color, their hair color and something about their intellect.

If you "marry down" or "marry up", it should be an INFORMED decision. It should never EVER take one by surprise.

BTW - one's degree has NO bearing on their intellect. I have dated (years ago) PhDs who couldn't find their way out of a room. Conversely, my "soon to be ex" has an AS, but is an exceedingly brilliant person. She has just a little over a 4.0 since Junior High...


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Wow! Lots of really smart people on this thread (or so they say).

A difference in intelligence is no different than a difference in height.

If it IS an issue, then you probably screwed up royally to begin with. My wife and I have roughly equivalent IQs, and it didn't mean a damned thing. We are on the road to the big "D", but not one single time have either of us said "....if they'd only been smarter (dumber)....."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> I think that the problem here is attitudinal, not one of IQ.


I suspect that's true in the vast majority of cases where "mismatched intellect" is a problem in marriages. 

It wasn't at all that my husband was much more intelligent it's that he thought he was because he's "mathy" and I'm not. I do hold a degree in a field of science, so it's not like I can't do math. But the fact that I need a calculator (which I always carry because I know I need it) or pencil and paper to calculate an 18% tip at a restaurant was, to him, a sign of stupidity. 

He's just one of those people who think that everyone is either like him - or should be.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

All an advanced degree indicates is the ability to learn a lot of things about a single narrow topic, not broad based intellect. It does demonstrate perseverance and working within the system type ability tho...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

john117 said:


> All an advanced degree indicates is the ability to learn a lot of things about a single narrow topic, not broad based intellect. It does demonstrate perseverance and working within the system type ability tho...


This reminds me of my Dad. He has a PhD in education. He says that his doctorate is mostly proof that he has forgotten more about abject boredom that most people will ever learn.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

john117 said:


> All an advanced degree indicates is the ability to learn a lot of things about a single narrow topic, not broad based intellect. It does demonstrate perseverance and working within the system type ability tho...


--Reminds me of the time Marilyn vos Savant correctly answered the Monty Hall paradox in her column. She got a load of mail from people waving their academic credentials and telling her she was dead wrong.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Wow! Lots of really smart people on this thread (or so they say).
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well, actually I'm not that smart, I just like doing math in my head. I believe it is more related to music than anything else.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

It's an issue with my wife because she makes it one. I figured out early in life that nobody likes a know-it-all, so I try not to be condescending to anybody. I'd already figured that out before I met her, so I've NEVER treated her that way. I also think she's rather smart, although she has a hard time buying that. I also know everybody is human, and I can make a mistake that others may see. If I act like an arrogant jerk, people will only take pleasure in finding and pointing them out.

We have a HUGE difference in math / science knowledge, but I think we're really close otherwise. I can be a bit faster 'on my feet' but she beats me given a little more time.

What causes the most trouble are her friends, family and acquaintances. People will notice me, and comment something to her... and it gives her an inferiority complex.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

It's not necessarily an attitude problem when an IQ difference causes problems in a marriage. Like I asked before, do you really think you could have an emotionally and intellectually fulfilling relationship with someone whose IQ was profoundly different from yours? 

And, of course, I should have know. I did, but when I tried to talk about it with friends/family (I was very young), they all said he was definitely intelligent. He's not American, and would pretend things were a misunderstanding when I questioned him about something he said that was, frankly, dumb. Or he'd say it was just a joke. Still, I knew deep down, though I tried to convince myself it wasn't a big deal.

Finding the IQ difference a problem doesn't make me shallow or full of myself. It's just part of who I am, and fast-paced, intellectually-stimulating discussions are something I enjoy. Too bad I was too busy talking when we were just dating to really listen. Youth.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Yes. Mine is roughly 140. Hers ~110.
Also breaking it down:
Mine math/pattern/sequence ~160 Verbal ~120
Hers math/pattern/sequence ~85 Verbal ~120+ Prolly slightly higher here.

Needless to say I speak in math and am an engineer by trade. She is verbal and stinks in math. Once she said I speak like an alien. She may be correct.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

My ex made it an issue...hated if I used "big words"...so I tried to couch my words....then he went on to obtain a BS degree from a diploma mill....when I found out, he blamed me for making him feel inferior (so he chose to buy his degree rather than earn it)...and it was all my fault.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There's profoundly and there's profoundly. 

As long as one does toy use their superior intellect to steamroll their partner into submission I'm ok with it. 

A marriage needs common sense, not function theory to survive.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Intellect does not equal wisdom. One can be off the charts on one and barely register on the other. The lucky few have both. In my opinion, wisdom is much more important to a good marriage.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

All true. It could be that I'm blaming problems that aren't IQ-related on the IQ. H also has a few learning disabilities, but it could just be a lack of curiosity, unrelated to IQ, that I see. I only have my one marriage experience to speak from, so very limited.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> DH is really smart mathematically and he's a literal thinker.However,his vocab skills and communication skills are lacking.
> 
> It presents a challenge when we're having a discussion bc he has trouble understanding things sometimes and I have to state it in several different ways before it clicks for him.I also have to be careful not to use uncommon words bc I realized it makes him feel stupid when he has to ask what I meant.
> 
> Both smart but in different ways


We are somewhat like this.. He is good at Math. ...I was so bad in high school...I couldn't get past Algebra __ I knew if I ever went to College, I'd need a tutor just to get through math... whereas English / spelling / writing -that's my domain...and this is where he struggled in school... 

He's told me I use big words too -on occasion, then I just explain... 

What me & H have in common is -we're both very commonsensical ...down to earth....he likes listening to me ramble..and we'll bounce things off of each other....we talk about anything/ everything...and I so appreciate that...in this...we grow together..



> *Fozzy said: *Intellect does not equal wisdom. One can be off the charts on one and barely register on the other. The lucky few have both. In my opinion, wisdom is much more important to a good marriage.


 Your thoughts here made me think of this I had saved somewhere ...


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Depends on how big of a gap in intellect where talking about here college vs high school or college vs I eat wall candy?


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