# Am I selfish for wanting what he "WONT"give?



## CandyO (Jul 23, 2013)

I have been with a man for 17 months and he always has an excuse why he can't have sex.Everything from "He is not a night person to his arm hurts to his back hurts to he has a herpes out break.I have heard it all.In the mean time I have lost 70 pounds since we met.I have had my hair done wear make up and bought expensive perfume.I have taken him and had his testosterone checked and all is well there.I have done everything especially blame myself and have felt "Not worthy or good enough for him."I am nearly 50 years old and until I met him have always had a great sex life.I am so hurt by his rejection that I feel resentment for him more than anything else.I am financially secure by my own hard work and planning.He lately has had over drafts at the bank I covered.He is a slob with a house full of cats that I am constantly cleaning up after.And he let me know today that I can't even make a pitcher of tea to his liking!I am such a fool for putting myself through this.He can't make his penis work and won't use his hands or anything else to satisfy my needs and then tells me "not again" if I try to communicate my hurt to him.What would you suggest.I have cried until I am just empty inside.Any advice would be appreciated.:banghead:


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you with him?

C


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

No,your not selfish to want theses things.You are smart and self
sufficient and you know what you need to do,but are afraid to
admit it.

In your own words,you describe him as a selfish unloving slob.
If you leave him what have you really lost.It sounds like
your getting nothing from him now.

If hes not willing to change, can you live like this?


----------



## CandyO (Jul 23, 2013)

I thought he loved me and I loved him.I thought he would atleast try to satify my sexual needs if I was patient with him and kept him encouraged he would atleat do what ever it took 10 minutes a week to provide me what I needed.


----------



## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

When people show you who they are, believe them. He has shown you and so now it's your choice if you are willing to live that way.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you married? 

I don't see any "love" in your post. Just a lot of resentment and frustration, especially when you should be in your honeymoon period. And a little lesson for you... People don't often change. And when the do change, it's a crapshoot if its better or for worse.

My advice... Ditch him. He doesn't love you; he's just using you

C


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Why can't he make his penis work? ED?

Oh, never mind ... I know your problem is the lack of sex but in my view that is the least of your problems with him.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Forget that guy and hook up with a man coming out of a sexless marriage. You didn't say one redeeming thing about this guy you are with. You love him for what reason?


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Forget that guy and hook up with a man coming out of a sexless marriage. You didn't say one redeeming thing about this guy you are with. You love him for what reason?


Yep, a whole lot of those guys in sexless marriages who would like nothing more than a wife who actually wants to have sex with them.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

17 months. Not married. The purpose of dating is to find the one. Well, he's not the one. Time to move on.


----------



## CandyO (Jul 23, 2013)

He has ED issues,But won't take cialis or anything.I am extremely attracted to him physically but yes,I feel used as well as rejected.I did tell him I needed sex once in awhile and it was hard for me to stay faithful to him.We have a great time together and laugh alot and have a lot of common interests.He is hiv positive and has been for years and it is well controlled.He said it would just kill him if he gave it to me.I just think even if his penis doesn't work he could figure out another way.So yes deep down beyond this hurt and tremendous rejection I do love him but I really don't think I can live a life like this when I have to ask him for a hug.Your right.If he loved me he would show me but instead he has moved into the other room with all his cats and has taken up residence in there.I purchased this house with my money so I am going to remove his name from the title of the house and let him seek comfort elsewhere.I do love him but he has made me the lonliest I have ever been.And no I don't want to live like that another day.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

CandyO said:


> He has ED issues,But won't take cialis or anything.I am extremely attracted to him physically but yes,I feel used as well as rejected.I did tell him I needed sex once in awhile and it was hard for me to stay faithful to him.We have a great time together and laugh alot and have a lot of common interests.He is hiv positive and has been for years and it is well controlled.He said it would just kill him if he gave it to me.I just think even if his penis doesn't work he could figure out another way.So yes deep down beyond this hurt and tremendous rejection I do love him but I really don't think I can live a life like this when I have to ask him for a hug.Your right.If he loved me he would show me but instead he has moved into the other room with all his cats and has taken up residence in there.I purchased this house with my money so I am going to remove his name from the title of the house and let him seek comfort elsewhere.I do love him but he has made me the lonliest I have ever been.And no I don't want to live like that another day.


I'm curious, how did he become HIV+? 

What was your dating life like prior to him?


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

for all u know, his HIV has evolved and him shunning u away is just a way of ensuring that u do not contract the disease...

very likely he just do not know how to spill the beans to you and just pushing you away with some crap excuses


----------



## CandyO (Jul 23, 2013)

malmale said:


> for all u know, his HIV has evolved and him shunning u away is just a way of ensuring that u do not contract the disease...
> 
> very likely he just do not know how to spill the beans to you and just pushing you away with some crap excuses


I do know that his virus is well controlled.I have attended every Dr. Appointment with him.He has been positive for 16 years and through atleast one relationship immediatly before me and refused sex to her as well so she got smart and left his ass.
He told me he contracted it from having oral sex with a girl.
Hiv is no longer a death sentence if the person remains adherent to their anti virals.
Thank you all for caring.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

CandyO said:


> I do know that his virus is well controlled.I have attended every Dr. Appointment with him.He has been positive for 16 years and through atleast one relationship immediatly before me and refused sex to her as well so she got smart and left his ass.
> He told me he contracted it from having oral sex with a girl.
> Hiv is no longer a death sentence if the person remains adherent to their anti virals.
> Thank you all for caring.


There's your answer, he does not want to risk passing on his HIV to you, you can't force him. It's a risk even with protection and he is not willing to take it. You need to respect him and either accept it and NOT cheat but stay or leave him and move on. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

move on to much bagage with this one.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

CandyO said:


> I have been with a man for 17 months and he always has an excuse why he can't have sex.Everything from "He is not a night person to his arm hurts to his back hurts to he has a herpes out break.I have heard it all.In the mean time I have lost 70 pounds since we met.I have had my hair done wear make up and bought expensive perfume.I have taken him and had his testosterone checked and all is well there.I have done everything especially blame myself and have felt "Not worthy or good enough for him."I am nearly 50 years old and until I met him have always had a great sex life.I am so hurt by his rejection that I feel resentment for him more than anything else.I am financially secure by my own hard work and planning.He lately has had over drafts at the bank I covered.He is a slob with a house full of cats that I am constantly cleaning up after.And he let me know today that I can't even make a pitcher of tea to his liking!I am such a fool for putting myself through this.He can't make his penis work and won't use his hands or anything else to satisfy my needs and then tells me "not again" if I try to communicate my hurt to him.What would you suggest.I have cried until I am just empty inside.Any advice would be appreciated.:banghead:


We all know the answer to this question don't we....Being a HD male, I know I would have lost it if my wife had treated me like this clown is treating you...What ever your infatuation with this person, the quicker you can get over him the better....

Find a guy who will chase you around the bedroom, and bang you like a snare drum....You deserve it....

the woodchuck


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He got it from receiving oral sex. Right.


----------



## CandyO (Jul 23, 2013)

Thats what he said.Also what he told his infectious disease doctor.At this point I don't know what to believe from him.He has refused to go down on me and has refused on many occaisions to use his fingers to help me.So I bought me a fabulous viberator but it is just not working for me I guess I need the closeness that he is unable to give.I have been in a relationship before with an hiv positive person and I am well educated in the disease and transmission by oral sex is very rare.He lived in austin on the party scene for many years so I don't know what to believe anymore.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to believe what he's telling you and showing you. You'll never have a satisfying intimate life with this guy. Either accept it or move on. Fighting it is only going to bring you pain. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Maybe his HIV explains his lack of affection and maybe it doesn't. It sounds like you are missing a lot more from this guy than just the sex acts he withholds.

Sounds like he would rather be in the company of his cats.

Check please.


----------



## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Tip: Stop dating HIV positive men.
Russian roulette is not a fun game to lose.


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

CandyO said:


> I do know that his virus is well controlled.I have attended every Dr. Appointment with him.He has been positive for 16 years and through atleast one relationship immediatly before me and refused sex to her as well so she got smart and left his ass.
> He told me he contracted it from having oral sex with a girl.
> Hiv is no longer a death sentence if the person remains adherent to their anti virals.
> Thank you all for caring.


well this is a delicate situation, and I am very sure that if he said he contracted this via oral, he would be even more afraid to even do anything with you as he cares for u.

I too am very sure he is not having a good time deep inside especially not being able to satisfy ur urges...


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

But there are quite a few ways he could be getting her off that don't involve bodily fluids. He could even be snuggling with her on the couch and showing her loving acts of kindness and being concerned with her day.

He moved into the next room with his cats.


----------



## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

Do you think your relationship will get better? I say end it. Just be friends if you care so much about him, but find a real mate, I like Woodchuck's idea.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It doesn't sound as though this relationship has a lot going for it, OP, and you might consider whether or not it's worth investing any more time in it.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He got it from receiving oral sex. Right.


Why does this surprise you?

Transmission of oral herpes (herpes simplex 1) from the mouth to the genitals, while not the most common occurrence, happens fairly regularly. 

Type II likes the genitals, type I likes the mouth, but both can be found in either location. That it can't is just another myth about the disease.

Their support group is just as active as this one. http://herpeshomepage.com/herpes/


----------



## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Sounds like you're his momma and he doesn't want to have sex with his momma. I'm surprised you can be attracted to him at all! Also sounds like a host of other crazy issues at play.

I will echo what others have said. Move on


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Even if sexual contact is something he can't or is unwilling to give to you, if he loved you he would be doing anything else he can to ensure that you feel loved. He's not doing that, though, and I don't think you should be wasting your time on someone who doesn't care about you.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Why does this surprise you?
> 
> Transmission of oral herpes (herpes simplex 1) from the mouth to the genitals, while not the most common occurrence, happens fairly regularly.
> 
> ...


She's talking about HIV, not herpes.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't stay, he's effective left you for the other room and his cats.

Get him off the title ASAP. It's your house and he shouldn't have been on it in the first place.


----------



## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> But there are quite a few ways he could be getting her off that don't involve bodily fluids. He could even be snuggling with her on the couch and showing her loving acts of kindness and being concerned with her day.
> 
> He moved into the next room with his cats.


I agree. Even if he was giving sex, it sounds like there is also no intimacy on any other level as well. Even with sex this is a recipe for a failed relationship. My wife and I recently rebuilt our marriage. No sex was the main complaint I had. But there was no intimacy at all on any level. We worked to bring the intimacy back and the sex fixed its self. So I believe that even if you had sex from him, it would not fix your relationship as you would soon realize that he does nothing to warm you up to want to have sex with him. I beleive the sex you desire now is to fill your own needs. You can't build a relationship on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

