# Hopeless/Hopeful



## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

]I've been reading posts for several weeks now. My story will sound familar. My wife told me 5 weeks ago that she wanted a separation and moved out 3 weeks ago. I've been pretty much an emotional wreck since. I finally got myself together enough to post. I think that I need to just put my thoughts out there. 

Background: Together 11 years. Married 9. Pretty good for entire time. Got along great, lots of shared interests and laughs. Supported each other through family tragedies.Worked together to put together dream home.

This last winter, I had a lot of stress due to work and I tended to retreat to my man cave to read and watch TV shows I liked. She would stay in other room and watch her shows. We would make jokes about this and I thought nothing of it. We still did many things together on weekends. Actually this really bothered her and I didn't see it. We talked all the time about our everyday lives, jobs , and our stress, but not us.

I blame myself to a large extent. I shouldn't have retreated so much. I could have been more proactive in keeping the excitement in our marriage. But I settled and assumed that all was OK. I also feel that she shares the blame. She was always very good at internalizing problems and never speaking out until they they ate away at her.

Not sure where to go from here. I've read so much about NC, 180. limited contact, dark contact, rebuilding your life, moving on, reconcililation, etc, that my brain is on overload.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. This just touches the surface of all that is bouncing around in my head. I just wanted to put some thoughts out there. I have a friend that I have shared this with, but this person has their own problems and I don't want to keep burdening them. No real questions. Not looking for the perfect solution. This forum looks like a good place to share. I will respond and add more to my sad little life story at another time.

Thanks for being there.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Will she go out with you even though you two are seperated? If so, start dating her again. It sounds like there are no big negatives like infidelity. So it's worth trying to rebuild your relationship.


----------



## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

Thanks for the response. I've thought about that. Maybe asking her to meet for lunch or coffee and a bagel some morning. She asked for some time and space to think things out and it has only been a few weeks, so I don't know if it is a good idea yet. Don't think she is ready. On the other hand, I worry that if I don't try that am giving the impression that I don't care. Tough choice and the wrong one could make things worse. I don't want to drive her farther away.

We still talk, but not frequently. Occasionally words of affection slip out from both of us. That is when I feel hopeful. 

I hike, work out, read, take care of the house, do whatever I can to take care of myself and try not to think about all that is going on. That is when I maintain.

I am missing her a lot. The house is so empty now. Weekends and evenings are horrible. I am having to deal with the prospect of the marriage ending, losing the house, and starting all over. That is when I feel hopeless. 

I am so torn between wanting to do something and scared of doing the wrong thing. 

Any suggestions out there?


----------



## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

Now for some new details. I talked with my wife today. It was the longest, best and worst conversation we've had since she left. She expressed some of the feelings that led to the separation and what she has been feeling since. There is anger, sadness, fear of the future, loneliness, and more. What there wasn't was enough love or desire for a reconciliation. A divorce is the most likely option now. I asked her not to make any rushed decisions. She agreed. I know that she will not want to live in limbo for long and neither will I. One of us will file this summer unless a huge turn around happens. Hopefully, I will be stronger and better prepared by then. I want to be happy again and I want her to be happy too. I just fear the future so much.


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

:iagree: PERFECT


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I'm in a similar situation, except we have children. According to my wife, being single is better than remaining married, at least as far as her happiness goes.

I withdrew and isolated myself and my wife did the same. Then, we found ourselves as roommates with children. 

She wants no second chance at restoring our marriage. That "feeling" is gone. She is full of doubts and uncertainty. All of the what-ifs....

Advice given here is helpful. The 180, etc. because it makes you the focus of your life in order to better yourself. However, it is rough. Emotions are like a rollercoaster. Eventually though, consistency and time allow healing. At least that is what many say. I just don't know how long it's supposed to take. It varies.

Stay strong.


----------



## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. I realize that I sounded like such a wimp yesterday. I was pretty down. The conversation was face to face and part of the reason I was down was it was a conversation that needed to take place a long time ago before we separated. It might have made a difference. But again who knows. It was the realization that my life is going to change drastically, some ways better, some ways worse, depending on my choices, not hers. I know some days are going to be bad no matter what. But each day will will get better.
I've read about the 180 and I am doing most of it. As with anything each case is different and I am using those parts that best apply to me.
As far as taking care of my self. I always have. I'm 6ft and 170 lbs. No six pack abs, but no beer gut either. I hike 1 to 2 miles of mountain trails 3 evenings a week, plus 5 or more miles of trails on Sunday. I lift weights 3 nights a week. It's going to be hard to get a haircut. I'm bald. I have a nice wardrobe, my wife picked out most of it. She does know clothes. 
Attitude and outlook are what I have to work on. Time is the best method and each time I do talk to her more of my old self comes out.
Thanks for all your suggestions and for listening.


----------



## fearfulandhurt (Apr 7, 2012)

hi you guys im very new to this forum so bear with me. im 30 and only been married since july 1 2011, it started very well as we had been dating for 2 yrs prior and just felt right. Now a meer *8 months later we are seperated she had an affair in relation to a cheeting episode i had when we were months into dating, i fessed up after the marriage and she said she always new but forgave me nontheless . she left the home we rent and asked for space, i unfornatly did not grant that, i had so many questions and crazy thoughts of loosing my true love that i in fact went crazy, constant texts calls to her family, a random trip to the lake she was visiting on days off(she wouldve been back next day jumped the gun, pushed her very far away very quickly she has changed her # moved out (unsure of address) and told all friends and family not to let me contact her for next 2 weeks. i have alot of respect for her and am trying so very hard to respect her need for space but when is it too far gone for any chance of reconsiliation? she has said its done but then 2 sentences later said for now? and i am to stay clear and she will contact me i am truley lost right now what to do for 2 weeks? how to stay buisy and then what after 2 weeks go week to week until papers are served i have determination to try and win her back but how do you know? thanks hope to hear from some one cuz im very low right now


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Hi Fearful

I think you might get more help if you start your own thread rather than tacking onto this one. Also, if your wife is having an affair, you might want to start your thread in the Coping with Infidelity section. Good luck.


----------

