# men with no sex drive?



## AnonymousRN (Nov 2, 2011)

I think my husband is depressed. He is moody and rageful. I thought there was something going on with porn but now i think that is really only a tiny piece. I initiate all sex acts lately.. and am turned down 9/10 times. He is always "tired" or complains of some ache or pain or whatever. And if I push it he yells at me. This has been going on since late september i think, about a month after we were married. 
we have been married since august..but been dating for 9 years prior.

Prior to that things were fine. He was friendly, happy and sex was amazing. The only problem then was that I wanted it more often than him.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Since I am in your shoes, just a little further down the road and havent fully figured out the answer, I can only give support and a little advice on what has worked. The advice is to stop initiating for sex, or talking about the relationship or even wanting to be around him. That was one time my husband claims to have been happy in our marriage (we were sexual prior to marriage as well with my drive a little higher). The other time he was all over me was when i was having an affair... he wanted it so much more it was sad. I couldnt figure it out other than I wasnt asking him for sex and I was happy bc someone was meeting my needs (sex and time). Oh note: when I ended the affair bc things were going well between me and hubby... he stopped having sex with me again!

Other than that it has been me trying to prove to him why he should want to want me, want to love me. It has been, in retrospect, pathetic on my part that i would actually plead and beg for that. So, last night was my last draw, I saw myself through ugly eyes... he sees me as pathetic bc Im trying so hard.

The downside to this, is when/if he eventually tries to connect with me, Im not open to it. Im closed down. I feel humiliated and disrespected and loathed by the man who supposedly chose to love me when he said I do. We have only been married a little over 2 years and this is where we are. I have kids who love him, so I stay. They are thriving, so I stay. My friends are sad that I am making this choice bc they want me to be happy, but I want what is best for my kids. That is what it boils down to. 

If he tries hard enough for long enough, maybe Ill warm up again. If I didnt have kids, and I had my money out of the house... all of it is there), I would have left already before my kids started loving being where we are.

2 years ago I began posting bc of similar reasons you are posting. I apparently have been trying everything too much to make it work, and THAT was my problem which made him want me less. There is a post about heat and coolness on here which i just saw and wish I saw it long ago... it helps to explain why asking for sex and affection and trying actually cools a low drive guy off to the point of disgust even. It didnt make sense until last night when I saw my actions through those explanations and I was disgusted..with my actions.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have you talked with your husband about this, and if so, what does he say?

How old are you and your husband? What is your relationship like outside of the sex arena?

It is estimated that 1 out 5 men can have a lower sex drive, and there can be many causes from physical issues (hormonal, ED, depression etc.) to medication to relationship issues - even excessive pornography use/masturbation.

Here's a list to work through:

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

What you can do now is to pull back and 'cool off'. Here's a thread about being the hotter partner and what to do when you are with a cooler partner (note the thread was written from a male perspective, but you can easily switch the sexes and it is still applicable):

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Best wishes.


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## a___girl (Nov 8, 2011)

My husband has a much weaker sex drive than me. He's not under active, I think I'm just over-active. So, while I too cannot provide any answers, you sure aren't alone.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

AnonymousRN said:


> I think my husband is depressed. He is moody and rageful. I thought there was something going on with porn but now i think that is really only a tiny piece. I initiate all sex acts lately.. and am turned down 9/10 times. He is always "tired" or complains of some ache or pain or whatever. And if I push it he yells at me. This has been going on since late september i think, about a month after we were married.
> we have been married since august..but been dating for 9 years prior.
> 
> Prior to that things were fine. He was friendly, happy and sex was amazing. The only problem then was that I wanted it more often than him.


I"m another similar woman.
I found out three things.
1 - my husband had "issues" and was unhappy with some things. Instead of talking to me about them, he withdrew both emotionally and physically. Depression. he chose to masturbate every day instead of dealing with what was bothering him. The more I initiated sex, the more he pulled away.
2- My husband was drinking when I was not around, and that was killing his sex drive.
3- He ended up having a ONS with someone at a bar. 

I did make it clear about #1 that it was NOT acceptable to shut me out if he was having problems. It was necessary for him to talk to me, or seek counselling for his depression. But I had to spell it out. with holding sex was not acceptable. Deal with the problem. Seek help. It kills your marriage.


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