# 10 signs that your partner is LD



## sunhunter (Sep 4, 2013)

I found this article. It's a good way to tell if your partner really is LD by nature or that there are other reasons.


Here’s how to tell if you are with someone with a low libido (LL).
First of all, I want to tell you the odds of landing a guy or a woman with low libido is pretty high. And contrary to popular belief men are just as subject to low libido as women. So if you are in a situation where you have a partner with a vastly different sex drive, you are NOT alone.
Luckily, in most cases, this can be brought into balance – I’ll tell you more about that in a bit.
There are several indications that the person you are with has low libido. You’d think these would be obvious, but that isn’t always the case. Sometimes LL is masked by the initial rush of a new relationship and sometimes the person you are with is so wonderful in every other way that you are willing to overlook it – for a while.

1. If your Significant Other has no time or inclination toward sexual items, topics, or subjects.
This could be a variety of different things. Lingerie, sexy T.V. Shows, books, pictures, and even porn. If these things do little or very little for them, then you may have a partner with LL.
This is an indicator for both men and women. But be especially cautious if this is true for your guy. Men are usually particularly sensitive and turned on by visual stimuli and if they aren’t or if they are turned off by it, then it is a good indication of low libido.

2. They have no sexual fantasies.
If you have a high sex drive it may be impossible for you to imagine someone with no sexual fantasies. For people with high libido (HL) thinking about sex and imagining sex is as natural as breathing. It’s something that just happens.
But if you ask your LL significant other what their fantasies are, they report that they don’t really have any. Or if they do they are super tame and vanilla. Not all fantasies have to come true, but an active thought life about sex is an indication of a healthy libido.

3. Thinking about, talking about and having sex is a chore.
One of the men on our forum says that he has tried to talk with his wife, Hillary, about sex. But every time he does she gets this glazed look in her eyes, like she is going to fall asleep.
This is pretty common in LL partners. People with low sex drives often lose energy and feel sleepy when they have to relate on a sexual level. If you have a high sex drive you GAIN energy as the level of sexual tension increases.
If you have high libido then sex increases your sense of well-being and NOT having sex bothers and hurts you on many different levels and very deeply.

4. Low libido partners simply don’t NEED sex as often.
Men and women on the relationship boards will often say they tried to withhold sex to get their partner motivated, but that their partner is just not interested. That’s because after having sex, people with LL will be satisfied for a longer period of time. Sometimes it’s months or even years before they need sex again.
Worse yet, if you try to initiate again too soon, the LL partner gets irritated.

5. Low sex drive partners won’t want to try new things and will seem uptight.
Most people have limitation s on the type of sex they are willing to have, but with LL partners the limitations can be pretty extreme.
Oral sex is often out of the question. And forget about 69 or sex standing up. This lack of variety and kinkiness may relate to having no/little sexual fantasies, but it is a serious problem for high sex drive people.
high libido people generally love to kiss
High libido people love to kiss, low libido people may resist kissing. Photo courtesy of flickr.com/photos/quasproduction/

6. No/Little Kissing.
LL people will often refuse to give their partners open-mouthed, French, or long, deep, passionate kisses. If the person you are with isn’t kissing you with passion I’d be worried about it. It’s a good indication of low sex drive.

7. Not initiating. 
If you are a high libido person paired with a low libido partner you may find that they don’t initiate often or at all. This is extremely common. It’s also common for a HL to give up initiating sexual contact because they have been shut down so often.

8. Language usage in regards to sex.
This is an interesting one, and it’s very, very common. The LL partner usually talks about sex as in “giving it up” or “giving in”. They refer to the other partner as “getting it”. The language often looks like this. “You really want sex again? I just gave you some.”
A high sex drive person is much more likely to refer to sex as a shared experience. “Let’s have sex tonight”. And their fantasies usually involve someone who really wants them and really, really wants to be with them. While the LL partner often views sex as something “to get over with”.

9. Not worth the effort/other things are more important.
This is something that baffles many high sex drive people. For LL folks sex is something that is just not that important. Other things, including work, hobbies, and children often come first. A LL person may rather watch a movie, or get irritated at a movie being interrupted by a sexual advance.
If there are any conflicts or obstacles sex quickly gets puts to the side. For a person with a low sex drive there is a very limited amount of energy to expend on sex and other things quickly get in the way. A person with a high sex drive will almost always find a way to have sex.

10. Anger and hostility.
Generally speaking partners with a low sex drive don’t want to discuss the topic of sex at all. If it’s brought up it is met with anger and hostility and bounced back to the high sex drive partner. The problem of mismatched libidos should be a shared concern, not just a matter of fixing one person. Both partners need to mend the relationship.
If you are in a relationship with a low libido partner, then you may be feeling frustrated, angry, and neglected. All while acknowledging that your partner is a good person. If you are early in your relationship you may decide that you want to find a different partner.

Low Libido – 10 Ways to Tell if You’re With A Low Libido Partner - Endless Honeymoon


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

10 signs that your partner is LD:

1. You're dissatisfied by the frequency of sex
10. You're dissatisfied by the quality of sex.

... 10 was in binary, right?


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

This is a really great list!!
I would say this covers the topic quite well.

Now that there is an effective way to know if you're dealing with an LD partner, the next question becomes what to do about it?
I submit that an LD isn't necessarily "broken" and may not need "fixing" and furthermore the LD might even be unhappy about this condition.
To me, the most important thing is that LD must be willing to have an active sexlife regardless of their own level of desire.
I believe this is entirely possible and is exactly the solution to my sexless marriage.

Point being that if the 10 list above says your married to an LD then don't despair the marriage may not be doomed.
The HD will need to avoid blaming or trying to fix the LD and may need to settle for an "average" sexual frequency.
And the LD will need to bring a good attitude into bed, more often than would happens based solely on their own (low) desire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Good list and describes my wife pretty accurately. Even items on the list that don't normally get mentioned in posts like #6) a lack of open mouth kissing and #8 her language usage of sex (uses euphemism's for the word sex).


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

tommyr said:


> I submit that an LD isn't necessarily "broken" and may not need "fixing" and furthermore the LD might even be unhappy about this condition.
> To me, the most important thing is that LD must be willing to have an active sexlife regardless of their own level of desire.
> I believe this is entirely possible and is exactly the solution to my sexless marriage.


You are one of the lucky ones, I think, as your wife is willing to make the effort. I'm happy for you that you found a workable solution.

I was not one of the fortunate few, and eventually my only solution was divorce. That worked out well for me, though, and I think it worked out well for my ex too - we're both happier now.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Thanks for posting this. It helps to see it written out this way. Less personal. I think it very accurately describes my situation with DH and I've printed it out so we can talk about it.

When I try to explain the problem to him I find I get locked with my reaction to the problem, my emotions, and it is difficult to just lay the problem out.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

A number of these list items can describe my wife from time to time - especially when it relates to not wanting to talk about sex or watching things on TV that's of a sexual nature, or even discussions about sexual fantasies. I don't think my wife has fantasies.

But then again, the items my wife tends to hit against from this list may be due more to shyness and possibly her nature of being more responsive in nature.

Maybe my wife has low libido after all.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My wife hits every number on the list. I hate it. Number 11 should be... 11) won't even look at this list without contempt.


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

1 Check
2 Check
3 Check
4 Check
5 Check
6 Check
7 Check
8 Check
9 Check
10 Check

My Wife ticks every box of a LL. Still very frustrating when you know there will never be a change in Her no matter what you do.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

While(1) Check( );


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

All but #10 describe my wife (she doesn't get angry about sex, but will mention that I don't initiate - see #7). 

Here are a couple more:

- People that are HD are viewed as strange, freaks, etc. 
- Only will have sex if everything is in place (needs to be tipsy, kids need to be asleep, moon needs to be in the last quarter phase, etc)


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Actually this is a good way to sort LD from reactive drive. My wife scores around 50 - 50. 
Resentment could masquerade as LD on this list I checked a few boxes myself.
MN


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

11. Cobwebs in the crotch area
12. Tumble weeds blowing out the vag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

The original post should be a sticky, not everyone is obsessed with sex.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

techmom said:


> The original post should be a sticky, not everyone is obsessed with sex.



Why have sex when you could be cycling?


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

john117 said:


> Why have sex when you could be cycling?


too funny. in an effort of true transparency, I was feeling..ahem..interested in sex last night after daughter went to bed. So no lie, I went for a 5 mile run at 930pm. The metallica pandora station and 35 mins of exhausting my legs helped me forget about sex by the time i was back home.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

4x4 said:


> Good list and describes my wife pretty accurately. Even items on the list that don't normally get mentioned in posts like #6) a lack of open mouth kissing and #8 her language usage of sex (uses euphemism's for the word sex).


I thought #8 was interesting, too!

My wife always uses terms like "getting laid", "getting some", "do you", and things like that. I'm always put off by it, as her wording insinuates that it's something she gives up, rather than shares.

She also doesn't use slang terms for body parts (even less offensive ones), which seems contradictory to me. To describe the act of sex, she'll use slang terms (see above). With body parts, she might use "penis" and "vagina" - if she has to. Otherwise she avoids using any words if she can.

I always thought it was a subconscious way of removing the element of ease and intimacy from sex and turning it into a more physical thing that requires some sort of sacrifice on her part (ie. "giving it up")


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

sunhunter said:


> 1. If your Significant Other has no time or inclination toward sexual items, topics, or subjects.
> 
> *Check*
> 
> ...


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

alexm said:


> I thought #8 was interesting, too!
> 
> My wife always uses terms like "getting laid", "getting some", "do you", and things like that. I'm always put off by it, as her wording insinuates that it's *something she gives up, rather than shares*.


These words and similar that I've read in other discussions have had me wondering if it's some sort of control issue for some women. My wife is fiercely self sufficient which is something I have always loved about her, but at the same time is it a character trait that's keeping her from "letting go" with me? It may just be a small part of the puzzle.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

alexm said:


> I thought #8 was interesting, too!
> 
> My wife always uses terms like "getting laid", "getting some", "do you", and things like that. I'm always put off by it, as her wording insinuates that it's something she gives up, rather than shares.
> 
> ...



I have no perspective of being with a LD partner, never had one as described on TAM. But I did have a GF who was a nurse and would only ever use clinical terms for body parts. Talk about a mood killer for sure


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## antechomai (Oct 4, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> too funny. in an effort of true transparency, I was feeling..ahem..interested in sex last night after daughter went to bed. So no lie, I went for a 5 mile run at 930pm. The metallica pandora station and 35 mins of exhausting my legs helped me forget about sex by the time i was back home.


Indeed, 
That was my resolution (back in 1998). 
After my ex said "PIV over 3 minutes and I get bored." 
Running and cycling became more fulfilling than sex.
My sexual being was mashed a bit, but my overall well being was great.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Going to piggyback off of Alex's post above...


1. If your Significant Other has no time or inclination toward sexual items, topics, or subjects.

[B ][/Yep, she doesn't wear any sexy underwear (used to wear a nighty sometimes which was a turn-on, but hasn't worn it for several years now), and sex is a topic rarely broached.B] 

2. They have no sexual fantasies.

*I honestly think she has no sexual urges at all, let along fantasies. *

3. Thinking about, talking about and having sex is a chore.

*This is perfect. She actually does say that sex is too much work.*

4. Low libido partners simply don’t NEED sex as often.

*If I told her that she could go the rest of her life without sex, she'd be totally happy with that (to be fair, she would think that may not be good for me, but for her, it would be great.*

5. Low sex drive partners won’t want to try new things and will seem uptight.

*On the very rare times that we have sex, it's either cowgirl or missionary. We used to go it on the floor or in a chair in the main room upstairs, but those days are gone. *

6. No/Little Kissing.

*We don't kiss much, but that's as much my fault as hers. *

7. Not initiating. 

*If you don't like sex, why would you initiate? She will occasionally tell me that I can initiate, but after hearing about how sex is work, how tired she is, how she has a headache, etc., why would I bother? It would only lead to duty sex, and I hate that.*

8. Language usage in regards to sex.

*She doesn't really say anything about "giving it up", but you do get that impression by her tone. *

9. Not worth the effort/other things are more important.

*She likes to say how sleep is more important than sex, and she would much rather play Candy Crush and watch her shows than have sex*
10. Anger and hostility.

*Don't get any anger or hostility*


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

antechomai said:


> Indeed,
> That was my resolution (back in 1998).
> After my ex said "PIV over 3 minutes and I get bored."
> Running and cycling became more fulfilling than sex.
> My sexual being was mashed a bit, but my overall well being was great.


My desire has shot down a bit. I notice even less desire than normal to masturbate. Id imagine my LD spouse is probably happy about this new version of me. I don't pester her for sex and I no longer ask or wait for her to come to bed at the same time as me (i used to like that in our marriage).


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

antechomai said:


> Running and cycling became more fulfilling than sex.
> 
> My sexual being was mashed a bit, but my overall well being was great.



My sexual being is mashed pretty well after 25 mile rides so...


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

BostonBruins32 said:


> My desire has shot down a bit. I notice even less desire than normal to masturbate. Id imagine my LD spouse is probably happy about this new version of me. I don't pester her for sex and I no longer ask or wait for her to come to bed at the same time as me (i used to like that in our marriage).


I've noticed as well that my urge to masturbate has gone down (been about a week now). Wife doesn't know nor care that I masturbate (her thought is if I masturbate, then I'll leave her alone), but like BB, my desire has gone down. 

That said, if the Earth goes off of its axis and DW decides that she wants sex, I won't turn her down. However, I have a better chance of winning the lottery and being stuck by lightning at the precise same time than I do having the wife want sex.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I find asking them is a pretty good sign

"Hell ya let's have nasty dirty monkey sex they have to power wash off the piano" is generally a guidepost that your partner is 'in the mood' whereas "if you come at me with that thing I'll cut it the f^uck off" is a good indicator she's not in the mood. 

all I'm sayin.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I promised myself I would do 2 things this weekend to try and be blunt with DH about my situation. 

One was ask him to read this article, which he did. His response was to say as he's getting older his libido was decreasing but he didn't see things to the extent of this article.

I said that's fair. From my point of view however I have always felt somewhat rejected. When we were in our 20's I was having the same feeling I am now in my 40's as far as not being desired by him. I feel I'm at a critical point right now and I want to find some middle ground with him.

He said nothing for 10 minutes and then went to ride his bike.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

So sorry to hear that MissScarlett. Being avoided/stonewalled during a discussion about being rejected has to really hurt. I can only empathize with you at this time though. I wish I had the answer you need. 

I came to TAM to better understand what was going on/not going on in our relationship and try to get us to a better place. With TAM's help I'm confident that it was always about her truely innate LD nature and not so many of the other possible problems (resentment, infidelity, etc). 

But now here I sit also, cause identified. What am I going to do about it? 

1) Hope for a GettingIt style change?
2) Hope my libido fades to match hers?
3) Cheat or Open Marriage?
4) Stay here in limbo as I hope for some nugget of insight from TAM that helps change one or both of us or find a way to affect a compromise I can live with?
5) Divorce and find someone more compatible?
---------------------------------------------------------
1) would be the dream solution
2) would solve the libido mismatch, but be less ideal. 
3) hell no, I'm HD but also 100% monogamous.
4) This is where I am atm....
5) I'm afraid this is the likely outcome.

It really took me a long time to even consider divorce in my own head. Since then though, I've already begun grieving the possible end of my marriage. It sucks.

I love my wife still and I know when I put "D" on the table everything will change one way or the other. We've never fought much, and neither has ever used the "D" word.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

my wife has two of the ten:
No fantasies
Sex tires her out. Like she has one orgasm, and when I try for two its "oh, i'm so exhausted...."


I wonder, just spit balling here, if she has no fantasies...maybe some could be created for her? Like we watch some light porn movie (one with an actual plot) maybe seeing it on the TV screen will make the mind have a mental image? kind of like priming the pump? 

I would not expect it to last long, but all I need is a fantasy for an hour or so as we screw.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Yep. My wife hit EVERY one of these before getting off of Yaz. It's sad that so many spouses go through this.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: 10 signs that your partner is LD*

I'm a LD guy in a relationship (almost two years) with an equally matched woman, and I found myself disagreeing with a lot of the explanations, though the parts I did agree with resounded strongly.

We love talking about and thinking about sex, but it is a chore to actually do. It does require having energy, which must be consciously saved from other activities or we just don't have the energy for full on sex. We both love kissing, enjoy sharing fantasies with each other, and have a very natural inclusion of sex in our functions of life. We just don't have a high frequency, neither of us initiates all that often, and we quite often mutually prefer sleep. When we do have sex, usually a couple times a month it is sometimes very tantric, sometimes wild monkey style, usually the session lasts many hours long and we usually are satiated for a long while after. We are not all that kinky but open and willing to try anything with each other, we talk all kinky, but maybe because we are not unsatisfied we just haven't gotten around to upping the kink in practice.

I have been giving this subject much thought the past month or so, and in the past couple weeks have discussed a lot with her about frequency and drive, and am confident her and i are on the same page. We both enjoy sex a lot though and are trying to find ways to connect sexually more often, just because we like it so much, but also to improve our general drive and vitality in general, active sex lives is supposed to lead to longer, less stressful lives after all.


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