# Six Months After Affair



## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Well, it has been some time since my last update and as nearly six months have passed since the discovery of my wife's affair, I figured I would share an update as to where things are. 

As an opening footnote, I will add that my wife has a serious drinking problem and has since day one (it was a problem in her first marriage as well, wherein she also cheated on her husband). This has been a huge issue for me, and she refuses to remedy, putting not only herself at risk, but my kids (recently while drunk, she walked into a wall and fell over while trying to cary our 4 year old to bed - she dropped him and he woke up screaming. My daughter saw all of this and asked "what is wrong with mommy"). She simply apologizes and promises to tone it down - I have been hearing this promise for almost 10 years. 

For background on what happened, please see HERE and HERE. As a study guide, here are the cast of TOMs:

TOM 1 = Family friend, made out in our house on Christmas Eve 2007 - likely not the first time. We severed ties with he and his wife (she was one of my wife's good friends).

TOM 2 = Married Co-worker, pursued an EA with him, no reason to believe it went beyond early EA stage - I identified and forced her to end it. She has recently began texting him again during and outside of work, full well knowing it would bother me.

TOM 3 = Married Co-worker, EA that lead to a PA (at a minimum, made out a few times). Ended when I discovered and confronted TOM 3 and his wife. They still work together.

All three TOMs live in my town, the furtherest of which is maybe 10 minutes from my home. Every time I leave the house, I wonder if I am going to run into one of above and if I so, what I am going to say/do? They have good reason to fear me, but know that I likely won't lay a finger on them as doing so would place me and my career in jeopardy. Oh how I sometimes long for the 19th century. ;-)

Most likely, this is not the universe of TOMs. I did see last year an email to yet another co-worker that said "do you miss me?". But again, I only know what I know.

With regards to TOM 3 (the one that brought me to this board back in February) my wife eventually admitted things went physical with him. She told me she developed a deep emotional bond with him and they made out a few times - this over the course of a few months. While my gut told me that things likely went physical, I had hoped it was only an EA...this revelation left me deeply scarred and wounded. In addition, if I were a betting man, I would be that more than "making out" took place. Only she and TOM 3 know for sure. 

Understand, this now puts my wife "making out" with at least two different guys in a year - this is best case scenario. 

After months of lies and deceit (and secret phones and email accounts), she was contrite and pledged to fix the marriage and earn my trust back (even admitting most of this was her fault). I attempted to identify boundaries that she needed to agree to live within (not socializing 1 v 1 with other men, honest, etc). She agreed, but then later "rescinded" this agreement (her actual words), as I discovered that she was to meet a male friend for "drinks" less that two weeks after telling me things went physical with TOM 3. She took the position that there was nothing wrong with it (meeting a guy I didn't even know for drinks), as they were just "friends and colleagues" - it was a work related meeting she claimed. She eventually did meet him, but only for coffee (she changed it from a bar to a Starbucks).

We did go to a marriage counselor who did more harm than good - forged a clear alliance with my wife and had a clear distaste for alpha males (my wife saw the therapist a good 6/7 times before seeing us together). Blame was mostly placed on me and it was also primarily up to me to fix. Understand that I recognized my faults and saw where I could improve as a husband, but after maybe 5+/- sessions, I told my wife that I would not longer see this therapist. This shocked the hell out of her. I located another therapist, much more professional and with a PhD, who I have seen alone for a little while now - she is a tough cookie who stated that what we were doing with the other "counselor", was not only unhealthy, but damaging and was not marriage counseling. (NOTE: shop around for a therapist, it needs to be one that you are both comfortable with). She really opened my eyes as to what was transpiring here with my wife and forced me to ask myself some really hard questions, reaffirming much of what I already suspected. It has been healthy to hear that it is not me sabotaging the marriage (as blame for the EAs and PA were squarely placed on my shoulders).

I wake up each day, hoping this would be the day it would "click" with my wife and she would dedicate herself, as I have, to making this marriage work. Yet, I still find myself chasing this ever elusive hope, as while things are "better" in a sense, the root causes of this mess (disrespect, infidelity, no boundaries, drinking problem, etc) still remain and my wife is happy keeping things as is - she gives the appearance of trying to make things work, but all the while not doing what is needed (she talks a good game, but doesn't mirror this talk with her actions).

For example, she recently went to a work-related meeting/dinner, where I knew TOM 2 was going to be (she didn't know I knew this). She said she would be home around 8-8:30PM. She didn't get home until 10PM. Didn't call, etc. Of course, after being cheated on, one's mind starts to wonder/worry - this clearly of no concern to her. She arrived home looking as if she went out on a hot date: short and tight dress with high heels. Understand, she was at a professional business meeting/dinner. Don't get me wrong, she looked great and I told her as much, but was a little taken off guard by what she was wearing (again, to a professional meeting). This, coupled with not getting home well after she said, was reason for me to pause. I checked out the cell phone bill online and sure enough, she texted TOM 2 numerous times during the dinner - and she initiated the texting. Further, she deleted these text messages before she got home. I have no reason to believe there was anything nefarious, but the fact that she would do this, knowing it would be problematic for me/recovery/marriage/etc, speaks volumes - not to mention highlights why she deleted the messages.

I still occasionally check her phone and email, as I don't trust her and she really hasn't taken the steps to again secure my trust - this really bums me out, because I am so very tired of playing detective and so very much wish she would give me reasons not to. Some of which I have recently found:

1. Responding to a text from a girlfriend she wrote "No more boyfriends for me, too much work and too little reward".
2. A girlfriend mentioned she saw TOM 2 and referred to him as my wife's "boyfriend" - she threw a "lol" in there with that.
3. Responding to another male colleague, who is also having marital problems, she wrote "can't make it in, spending [my name]'s alimony...HAHAHHA"

This AM, after gently approaching her about seeing a new marriage counselor (she originally agreed to) much of the above came out - as after I told her we still needed to fix things, she went into uber defensive mode and lashed out. Of course, as so often has been the case here, she tried to turn it (reading texts, emails) around on me, that I was "invading" her privacy and tried to play down the aforementioned as only "jokes" and "girl talk" and that I was violating her privacy.

She told me she is going to file for divorce, as she "can't live like this". She became absolutely unhinged, stomping her foot and yelling, telling me she is going to divorce me. This is the reaction I get after six months of putting up with her BS and trying to remedying the marriage. I am so tired.

Looks like she went afterward this AM and got a new phone. I did verify she called her lawyer. In response, I emailed my lawyer and withdrew a good chunk of change from the bank - if she is bluffing, this will wake her up (not to mention, cover me if she tries to get crazy with the finances).

Essentially, it now boils down to:

1. She files and we divorce
2. She doesn't file and I decide what I am willing to put up with (for the sake of kids)
3. I file and we divorce

I am so very tired. My heart aches for my kids (my four year old asked why we were fighting this AM). The thought of Christmas morning sans kids kills me. But for my children, I would be gone.

Stay tuned...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I would file and just give up. She has no respect for the marriage or for you (or herself). She's got problems and apparently needs external validation from as many sources as possible. Was she abused as a child?

You know she has no intention of behaving as though she's married. Drinking or not, her problem is her problem. You know what you need to do -- and it involves taking those children and making a good life for yourself. Keeping your kids around this will damage them. I have an acquaintance who is farther along in the process than you and whose children are old enough to see what their mother is about and they are in serious pain. Your children will figure out what's going on if you stay and she doesn't change. So you're not helping them by showing them that Dads get walked all over and that mothers are unreliable.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I vote for #3 a hundred times. Wait...do I get a hundred votes? Forget it, I vote 3 two hundred times. Dude, you've done far more then most would and gotten nothing in return. Save your kids, get a divorce, find a woman who will be good to you and your children. Let this drunk, cheating woman go have a good time at her own expense and no longer at yours.





John


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Separate finances and file for divorce. She seems hopeless and shows no contrition at all.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Last night will likely be remembered as a low-point in my life. 

I arrived home a little later than normal, in hoping for a "cooling of temperatures", but unfortunately I arrived to a wife who had a few glass of wine in her already. 

I played with the kids for a while after which she started to pick a fight - "so, how much time did you spending looking for stuff on my computer today?" I hadn't, as I was at work all day. She proceeded to believe otherwise (this in front of the kids).

We put the kids to bed and I just wanted to avoid her, as she has been drinking (as was continuing to do so). She said she wanted to to talk. I agreed.

It began something like this: 

HER: "we need to figure out who is going to live where"
ME: "Agreed. I am not moving out."
HER: "What? Yes you are."
ME: "No, I am not."

She then says she is filing today (Weds), as she couldn't get to her lawyers office. I saw emails confirming that her lawyer is bringing documents to where she works for her to sign.

My wife, under the influence of alcohol, then proceeded to tell me how much she:

1. Hated me
2. Can't believe she had kids with me
3. Doesn't want anything to do with me
4. I need to move out
5. Made fun of me for not making as much money as she
6. Accused me of being "righteous" and "pious" and "narrow"

During this time I asked her to calm down (she was yelling), as not only could the kids hear her, but she was becoming a lunatic. Truly losing it in front of me, while saying, really, really hurtful things.

She continue her tirade for a bit, during which I pointed out to her that she is an alcoholic and a serial cheater - she then threw a glass of water on me and again screamed how much of an a$$hole I am and how she can't stand the sight of me.

I just sat in utter shock. How did my life come to this? I have spent the majority of the last six months trying to remedy, and now, in her eyes, it boils down to me occasionally checking (and finding) emails/texts that prove embarrassing to her. OMG. She is positioning the divorce as having nothing to do with her cheating and/or drinking - but rather, all about me.

She continues that she has the "goods" on me and is prepared to battle in court. She is trying to position the kids against me. Tells me "you will never find somebody again, no way". Then she walked away.

She locked me out of the Master Bedroom, eventually letting me in. I don't know if she is trying to push my buttons in hopes of me lashing out at her (physically), as that is the only way to get me out of the house, but I didn't bite....just tried to remain calm and clear headed.

She is beside herself that I wont sleep in the guest room. She then again starts with the "you are such a a$$hole, I can't wait for you to move out", again makes light of the fact she makes more money than me - I won't be able to afford our house, etc - starting laughing at me, telling me "you can't afford to live here, you will have to get an apartment...hahahaha". I tried to ignore her.

Confirmed she got another phone and she locked down current iPhone (on my account). Will likely shut down her iPhone today - she doesn't need two phones.

Also confirmed that her lawyer is dropping off the paperwork today. This is really it.

Didn't sleep at all last night. I am a tough guy, but damn, that was some pretty hurtful and nasty stuff she threw at me (some in ear shot of the kids - who were in bed). 

I am so broken right now. As I said previously, the thought of waking up on a Christmas morning to an empty house, no kids, breaks my heart. My little man (son), not having me home each night kills me....my daughter, with no daddy to tuck in each night, or talk about "star wars" with...brings tears to my eyes. I try to look down the road, 1 month, 6 months, 1 year...I don't like it at all- however, I know things won't change here and there is no turning back after what she did last night. It doesn't make it any easier or less painful with regards to my kids. Damn, I can't help but feel I let them down in some way. This really, really sux.

Stay tuned...


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I am very sorry that you are going though this. It sounds like the best option is to get the divorce. You did say you have a good lawyer, right? Don't make any drastic moves without your lawyer's consent. 

About the kids and Christmas, just celebrate on different days. Mom's Christmas can be Dec 24, and Dad's can be Dec 25. I think it is much healthier for kids to be around one happy parent at a time rather then two fighting angry parents.

Good luck.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Wait till she goes to work then change the locks. Make her get a police officer to come down to make you let her in. During the day go get a restraining order from the court. Tell the court you are in fear for your life and that she threatened to kill you.

When she shows up with the cops to get let in, show them the restraining order and BLAMO she's in the slammer. Yahtzee.




John


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm not sure why you are assuming that SHE is or should be the one who will end up with the kids. She has put your youngest in physical danger, she drinks to the point of getting drunk with them in her presence, and she is a nasty, spiteful drunk on top of it. With you gone, who is she going to direct that anger to? More than likely it will be the kids. 
Find your own lawyer, and at the VERY least, look into getting joint custody. Don't leave them to be raised by someone who is obviously as unstable as your wife. Kids see and understand FAR more than adults give them credit for, so don't think that they don't see how she is or what she is doing, they just don't have the ability to articulate it in an adult way, especially the 4 year old. NO son should ever see his mother like that. 
I am so sorry you are going thru this, but please don't let her have the kids without a fight!!


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

I agree - get a GOOD lawyer and FULL custody - Mommybean is right - if you are out of the picture, she will not stop drinking and all that anger will have to go somewhere and unfortunately that will be towards the kids. I also agree with the restraining order, after last nights episode, I would fear for your well being as well as the childrens. This way you can start a "paper" trail because without it it is just your word against hers. File the order and she will either "behave" or "hang" herself. But at least you legally have your basis covered. Stay strong for your kids, do everything you can to protect them, they will see the situation for what it is and you will come out on top in their eyes. You have not let them down.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

:iagree::iagree:

Document, document, document. Dates, times, issues, behaviors. Keep a journal


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

CiC you must go and buy at least three voice activated recorders. YOU MUST RECORD YOUR INTERACTION WITH HER. SHE CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO FILE ASSAULT CHARGES AGAINST YOU. YOU HAVE TO RECORD HER TALKING TO YOU. This is very important. You need to do this to protect yourself. She will sure as chit try to get a protection order against you, so she can get you removed from your home. Don't let her. Record everything. It doesn't matter if she knows or not. You may even be able to have her removed.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Don't let her push you. Do document, document, document. Record. Get her to put things into writing (email, whatever.) She'll hang herself.

Also, keep a diary.

I hate to say it but it still won't be easy. I've got a friend in PA who has a wife like yours (serial cheater, not a drunk but defintely a behavior problem) and he's had the worst time convincing the courts of anything. Advocates come in with their own prejudices. So the only thing I can say is trust no one, even advocates, and document and push the documentation on them.

Hold her accountable for everything and document when she doesn't live up to what she says she will.

The hardest part of this is that you should encourage her to get into treatment because the children still need their mother. And if she recovers, she'll be a different person. It won't save your marriage but it will help the children.

Also, if she drives while drunk, call the cops. Get her busted.

She needs to be busted.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

I just filed, expecting her to be served tomorrow AM while at work.

I made one last sincere effort to reconcile. Yesterday I suggested things were moving incredibly fast and decisions about our family's future were being dictated by impulses and emotion, rather than calculated and well-thought out decisions. As such, I threw out the possibility of seeing the recommended marriage counselor, to help us determine if this marriage was salvageable or not, and if so, help us fix it. She agreed to doing so. 

But this AM when we discussed, it became clear nothing is going to change. She is absolutely hung up on me "invading her privacy" by occasionally checking her email/phone. She has since set up new, secure, email accounts and a new phone. We went a few rounds, but it all boiled down to the following for me...I said that I too am willing to attending counseling, but I would only do so if she was of the mindset that she will do "whatever it takes to keep this family together and repair this marriage" - no point in going to therapy otherwise. I said "I am willing to do whatever it takes, are you...?" She was equivocal - she said she would attend counseling and make some changes. I explained that it was a "yes or no" question. So I again asked and she again replied she would see the counselor, but with caveats. UNBELIEVABLE. I asked a third time...She couldn't bring herself to say "yes, I will do whatever it takes to keep this family together and repair the marriage". 

In turn, I knew what I had to do, as nothing is going to change...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Did you get the VARs? She may go ballistic on you. You want that recorded. This may remove the fog. What if she says she agrees with your ultimatum now?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

CIC,

I'm sorry it came to this. I'm sorry it will get uglier still.

After you have had your guts ripped out a few more times - you will eventually get to the place where it is easy to recognize that what you were trying to save wasn't worth the effort. She wasn't worth the effort. She made really bad choices - just like my ex, and never really invested herself in a reconciliation and recovery of the marriage. 

We all suffer damage in one form or another throughout our life. We look to the relationship with our spouses to mitigate that damage, not add more.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

You have gotten some very good advice here; please, for the sake of your children, take heed. It won't be easy, but document and record everything.

I am wishing you the best of luck!


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

1.	I am very sorry you are going through this. I have been there and know your pain. Hang in there.
2.	I was super worried about my kids in the divorce but I have to tell you they have done great. They are so resilient; you will be surprised how well they adapt. Not that they will like it but they will make it through.
3.	I would do everything you can to avoid a big, drawn out court battle. This only adds to the pain. Try your best to say, We are getting divorced and getting along for the children should be our main goal." Try to make a deal on the kitchen table, avoiding a lot of fights will make the painful process longer.

Best of luck to you.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

She is hopeless and as you pointed out has a history of cheating. She lives for the drama, she thrives on hurting you. File for divorce, move on! You deserve better!


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Long time no post, here is a lengthy update:

I had signed the paperwork at the time of my last post and she was to be served the next day at work. However, I pulled back after she and I had a long talk. I again was under the delusion she would commit to, and invest in, repairing the marriage and keeping the family together. I was wrong.

As long as things were brushed under the rug, there was no drama. Her drinking however, often gave her "liquid courage" to force the issues. After the only two therapist sessions (new therapist), she proceed to drink and lay into me for what I said during the session (after the first session it was for mentioning the fact that she cheated on her first husband and after the second, it was for bringing to light her drinking problem). After that second session, the rest of the week was a disaster - she became very nasty and short with me and proceeded to drink heavily (e.g., 3-4 glasses of wine before we attended our second grader's open house at school the following evening). I truly believe she is Cybil, as while she was doing all of this, by the end of the week she is saying (after some wine) "tell me you love me". I am like, WTF? When she noticed I didn't wear my wedding band by week's end, she flipped, asking why? She then hid it from me. Then, we proceeded to have sex all weekend. It was and is, so very confusing, because I don't know whether I was coming home to Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde.

At our last therapy session, I also mentioned how much it bothered me that she still had her second "secret phone", the one she procured to further the affair (TOM 3) and which she said she had previously "thrown out the window" - as it was a symbol of the affair and to see it, in our house, infuriated me. She would receive/check messages in front of me and continued to do so after I brought this up in therapy. No respect. As she so often has done, she said she won't go back to her old phone (iphone) on our shared account, as she claims "I can't help myself" with regards to checking her email/cell records. Give me a reason not to I pleaded.

Last week I awoke and it really hit me, exactly as Deejo said, I realized she was not worth the effort (this had all been done for my kids/family). Everyday for the last 8 months I have tried to remedy our marriage and keep this family together. I have put up with more that most, in the hopes of it eventually "clicking" with her. Well, that 8 months of effort was not reciprocated by her...the issues we are talking about today, are the same that we were talking about 8 months ago/earlier. She still recently proceed to meet another guy 1 v 1 for lunch/drinks (w/out telling me - supposedly "work related" - not necessary in her line of work) and attending an office happy hour w/out telling me - she wants to be married, but not act married. She has given no reassurance about TOM 2 or TOM 3, none what so ever - with whom she works (my first thought about the aforementioned happy hour - was he there? She made no mention either way, leaving me to wonder). In fact, knowing that it bothers me, she still chats up TOM 2 (nothing ever happened, we are just friends, etc).

As others have said, she has no intention of changing and/or acting like she is married. Understand, she wants to keep the appearance up - Big house, good jobs, two kids, nice cars, cat and dog...but does not want to live within the boundaries of marriage. I can no longer go along with this charade. 

We were supposed to see the therapist last week, but my wife cancelled last minute - citing a work conflict. I texted her back telling her to cancel the appt. and tell the therapist we won't be back, makes no sense to do so. This caught her off guard. She then called and I proceeded to tell her I was done, I had no more to give w/out getting anything in return. She she too was tired/empty, I said that was impossible, because she had done NOTHING to keep the family together. She disagreed. She texted me an hour later telling me she had a long talk with the therapist who said she could help us if we both hung in there. I didn't reply. Same bait and switch and appeasement tactic she has been using since day one.

I was scheduled to travel for work a few days later (Weds last week), and we started talking over cofee. She brings up how I am incapable of intimacy/etc because of my parents divorce - leading to our current problems - again, everything always comes back to me. I of course tell her that is nonsense and that she is incapable of being faithful and has some inexplicable need for external validation from as many sources as possible. I again told her I had no more to give, and that she has made zero to little effort to fix - despite my Herculean efforts and patience. She simply does not get it. 

I left on business and my sendoff included a kiss & "I love you"...incredibly awkward. 

While I was away, I discovered she re-initiated contact with TOM 3, the co-worker she had an EA/PA with. This absolutely floored me. What was left of my fragile heart and battered guts, were instantly ripped out. After all of this, she goes back to him (his wife just had a baby). <sigh>

Rather than then and there call her on the carpet, I held my breath in hopes of coming up with an exit strategy (while trying to uncover more evidence). Upon my return, it was difficult for me, but I put on my game face. We even had sex yesterday AM...WTF? Last night while she was at work (overnight in the hospital), she calls me up and starts talking about how the kids are scared of me because I "yell" and I am "mean" - both of which left me dumbfounded. While I am the disciplinarian in the house, the only time I raise my voice is when they are acting out - and she knows this. She then started to say my 7 and 4 year old were saying "mommy, why did you marry such a mean man?" and "mommy, why does daddy yell all of the time, did his mommy and daddy yell?" I was stunned...and angry...she said she wasn't going to keep the kids in a house where they were afraid of their father...I responded, that is nonsense, but I will NOT keep my kids in a house where their mother jeopardizes there safety with her drinking...she exploded into a typical curse-laden rant. 

I then said she was unbelievable...and asked did she think I was stupid,that I wouldn't find out what was going on? She paused and tried to play dumb. I continued to bluff, wherein she admitted to reaching out to TOM 3 last week which lead to emailing (her secret account) and texting/phone calls on her "secret phone". Yet another punch to the teeth. I asked why...she said, "uh.....I was curious what he was up to". I said "great" and hung up.

So, here we are . We exchanged a few emails last night (she is overnight at work). As usual, she fails to recognize her fault here. I told her she single handedly destroyed this marriage and ripped this family apart. Someday, the kids will ask her why she did what she did, and unless she gets help, she will be unable to answer them honestly.

It is is now a race to see who files first.

I weep for my children, but I know I did EVERYTHING I could do and more to keep us together. 

My wife is riddled with problems and will not change.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

If she was at work, and other people were around, her talk of your children calling you a mean daddy, etc. was either to get sympathy from them, or further her side of the divorce/custody. I'm sure she is the type who puts on the miss suzy home-maker front when she is with other people. Honestly,she is pretty classless, not only splitting up YOUR family, but the family of one of the OM whose wife just had a baby. 
Keep documenting everything. Making an appointment with a child therapist for your kids may not be a bad idea either; it may be better to get some support for them now, versus a few months down the line when they start acting out. 
She sure is a peice of work, and honestly, I think she is one of those that will never change. Hang in there, you have a long road ahead of you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

CIC,
Your efforts have been admirable. I recall my wife pulling "You scare the kids." on me; and her NEED to believe that I was the one out of control. You simply cannot work with someone like this. Their behavior impacts your behavior - and they have the audacity to be shocked or surprised.

At this point, the relationship sounds absolutely toxic. I remember that feeling too. Sex, and "I love you." immediately followed by lies, and the ongoing pursuit of another relationship.
It is agonizing and confusing. Like my wife, I don't think yours wants to change a thing. Exactly as you point out. I went through that too.

On my end, one year later, I believe that the glimmer and sparkle of her relationship has fully worn off. She told him, that "she needs to figure some things out." It proceeded to the place that every relationship does, "what does this look like moving forward?" So what do you think has happened as a result? She doesn't feel like *WE* ever really gave reconciliation a shot and wants to 'date' me. The tragic thing is that she really believes this.
I told her that I really appreciated that she felt that way, but the answer is no. She has been dragging her feet about the divorce. She doesn't want to get divorced - but she doesn't actually want her husband back either. She can't get out of her own way. There are times when my heart really goes out to her - but I also recognize at this point that _my_ heart hasn't figured into her decision making for a very long time. She does what feels right for her in the moment. I see some of that in your spouses behavior as well. Particularly keeping up the facade that you are a functioning family.
I'm only pointing this out, because of the bizarre similarities between our circumstances. I would suspect that she is going to come at you with daggers, and over the course ahead, will come at you with tears and pleading as well. It makes everything harder. What I never lost sight of throughout this, was the fundamental truth that my wife never, ever commited herself to making the changes required for a reconciliation in our marriage. Her idea of reconciliation would be that I capitulate and she simply continues business as usual.

Hang in there. I hope you're getting some of that anger out in therapy. That's where I did it.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

She was served this afternoon.  To put it lightly, she is none too happy. She has been on the phone all PM bad-mouthing me, once again redirecting blame. Honestly, I think she is shocked I served her and frankly, it felt better to be on this end of it (rather than be served by her). My lawyer told her lawyer that she better keep her drinking in check and better drop the "kids are scared" BS. Stay tuned...


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

My saga can now be found here, in the "Going Through Divorce or Separation section: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/8308-battle-save-my-family-lost-i-filed-divorce.html

It has been quite a roller coaster ride since she was served last week. 

Eight months after my first post and I am still "Confused in Columbus" <sigh>.


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