# I don't know what to do with him!!



## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

Hi all, I’m new here and looking for some advice on my situation…I’ll try and keep it as brief as possible as it’s quite a long story!

DH and I planned for and had our son back in late 2011. The months preceding the birth and after the birth, DH starts drinking more and more. I didn’t think anything of it, putting it down to the stress of becoming a father, and besides I was far too preoccupied with preparing for birth (first time mum) and then caring for a newborn to give it too much thought…..when our son was only 6 weeks DH breaks down and tells me he “doesn’t know if he can stay with me”….citing that we have an “intimacy issue”. I’m completely blindsided with this as it seems to have come out of nowhere and we’ve just started a family….how can this be??? At this point I have absolutely no idea there is an OW involved already…..

Following the issue coming out in the open, his drinking & pot smoking takes a rapid increase….the sweet, loyal DH that I once knew had turned into an angry, despondent alcoholic. I make an appointment for IC, believing that it is my fault as I have “intimacy issues”. My psychologist basically tells me that she believes DH has major depression and recommends HE seeks help, and there’s probably nothing actually wrong with me….I tell him this and he just gets angry, but says he’ll think about seeing somebody.

Fast forward 3 months and the enormous stress of our relationship breakdown, his drinking combined with struggling to care for a newborn forces me to ask him to move out. I feel like I’m just doing what he wants to be done, but just can’t bring himself to do it…..why else would he be behaving like he is? Clearly he wants out of the relationship but feels guilty because we’ve just had a baby. He moves out and we begin MC (he's already had a few sessions of IC, but it doesn't seem to have helped)…..the purpose of this being to help him figure out “what he wants” and “whether he can be happy with me”. Soon after I convince him to see a psychiatrist – he does and he’s diagnosed with double depression and GAD and begins AD.

Fast forward another 3 months and it finally occurs to me to check his mobile phone bills….to which I discover that he’s been living with a female colleague from work since the day he moved out, and has spent hours and hours on the phone to her since my son was born. Needless to say I’m completely blindsided again! I confront him and he denies that anything is going on and that they are just friends. I reluctantly believe him as I can’t possibly prove otherwise (what an idiot right??) I tell him I never want to see him again and that MC is pointless and I’ll be getting my own new place and that formal separation proceedings will be beginning….around this time his AD are starting to bring him out of his depression and he's starting to realise he wants to be with me, but because I’ve told him to go away he starts getting angrier and angrier and drinking more and more….he’s horrible to be around…..

By late 2012 his medication has kicked in properly, and he says he feels like a completely different person, and doesn’t understand what the problem was in the first place….he wants me back. I reluctantly decide to give him another chance. I strongly suspect that something was going on that was more than “just friends” with OW, but can’t prove it and he goes to extraordinary lengths to lie about it….holy s*#t can this guy lie…..5 months after we’re back together (and him still dealing with his alcohol issue and still working at the same place as OW) I come home one night to find him passed out drunk, pick up his phone and discover an email account that I didn’t know existed – in it was hundreds and hundreds of emails and chats between DH & OW dating back to a couple months before I gave birth when they started fooling around, detailing how much he wants to be with her and loves her and lots of dirty details. UNBELIEVABLE. Although I strongly suspected they’d been together, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it started that early….

The next day I kick him out of the house. He ends up going back to her place as he has “nowhere else to go” (he had options, just none of them where he could drink and smoke…). A week later he loses his job (he’d already had lots of warning over the year), and because of this has to come home as we can’t afford another place for him to live. We end up sleeping together soon after (I've calmed down a little and have a vague ray of "maybe this can work someday"). AFTER this I then jump on his laptop, only to find her Facebook page in the history still open, where she’s messaging her friends and telling her that “her man is back” and she’s “gettin’ some”…..I completely lose it at DH as AGAIN he’s flat out denied that anything happened with her when he stayed there for a week of so…and AGAIN he’s not told me the truth before sleeping with me again!!! He admits to sleeping with her once (in the face of irrefutable evidence of course..) I THEN find a few more emails to her after this, saying to her “I told her we were only together once…..” More lies, it wasn’t only once….I tell him I’ll never trust him again, and he nearly commits suicide…..

He desperately wants us to be together, and is currently determined to do whatever it takes to win my trust back and for us to have more children and spend the rest of our lives together. I guess my question is how could I possibly trust him again, when the mere thought of reengaging and putting my heart on the line only to be smashed again fills me with enough anxiety to cause a panic attack?? He’s exhausted every avenue of deceptive, sneaky, double life behaviour, and I definitely can’t tell when he’s lying  I do note however, that I seem to have some kind of advantage over others on this site, as DH had already come out of his “fog” (both his affair “fog” and his complete mental breakdown “fog”) and realised what an enormous mistake he’d made with OW. He justifies all the lying (about the initial affair) with “ he couldn’t risk losing me” as he’d finally got the clarity he’d always so desperately wanted about knowing that he wants to be with me forever, and the thought of losing me because he’s messed up so badly during deep depression was just too much for him to bear…..And as for round two with OW, he apparently thought he’d lost me forever (I was telling him so in my blind rage state) so didn’t think it’d matter if he slept with her again (he was apparently using her to “feel better” as he’d hit rock bottom)

I’m sinking into depression and anxiety to the point of considering medication – which I never thought in a million years I’d need (I’m like anti-depression normally!!) It’s just incredible the destruction that a WH can cause by having an affair. One minute I'll think I can make it work, the next I just want to tell him to f*#k off as I deserve so much better, and it shouldn't take DH having an affair and putting me through this to finally figure out how much I have to offer!! The pain, the incredible, incredible, all consuming pain......

Any thoughts both positive or negative are welcomed  I’d also be interested to hear anybody else’s experience with affairs where there is an element of mental illness (and subsequent substance abuse) involved, and also other women whose WH had an affair when they were pregnant/postnatal.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

And I guess my bigger question is....do you think reconciliation is possible, and how the hell do other BS decide whether they even want to reconcile, or would they be better off moving on to somebody new who hasn't completely destroyed them?? It's so hard when there's a young baby's future at stake here too 

I know lots of reconciled couples say they're stronger than ever, but I can't see how that could be possible right now


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

whatthefudge said:


> And I guess my bigger question is....do you think reconciliation is possible, and how the hell do other BS decide whether they even want to reconcile, or would they be better off moving on to somebody new who hasn't completely destroyed them?? It's so hard when there's a young baby's future at stake here too (


Anything is possible but things need to change. Both spouses
need to find their faults, pinpoint the cracks so to speak and
work harder than ever on building a better life with each other.

As a BS myself, I'm not worried about outside influences.
My insides are so f*cked up right now, the last thing on my mind
is being better off with someone else. If anything, I'm learning that
I don't need someone else.

In the case of the young baby's future, what kind of a future
will the baby have in an environment where alcohol abuse is taking place?
Both my parents were raging drinkers, my mom passed at the
early age of 54 from it, so I grew up witnessing and experiencing
the damage first hand. It's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

*Side note: I had always thought of my mom's early death as the #1 most painfully shocking crisis I had ever experienced. After my ww's affair, it quickly became a distant #2. I'm not proud to admit that. *

I would suggest counseling. Maybe after a few sessions, you can
determine whether or not you have something that's worth saving.

If you truly want what's best for the baby, then the abuse needs to stop.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Anything is possible but things need to change. Both spouses
> need to find their faults, pinpoint the cracks so to speak and
> work harder than ever on building a better life with each other.
> 
> ...


Ahhh sorry I didn't clarify that properly - the alcohol abuse is not really that anymore....it's been vastly downgraded to more of a "drinking problem" ie he doesn't drink that often, but when he does he finds it difficult to stop....that's something that's being addressed in his IC.

I know that we have something that's worth saving...which is also what makes this so difficult - we were so good together (except he had an issue with our level of intimacy) but now it's just such a puddle of snot  We start MC tonight.....


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## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

Sorry you are dealing with such a terrible issue. I cannot advise you what to do but I can tell you what happened to me. In my first marriage my husband had an affair when I was expecting our first child. The affair was with a neighbor that I grew up with. The affair began sometime during the first few months of my pregnancy and continued for about a year after having the baby. I tried to salvage the marriage and failed because I just couldn't trust him. He was also an alcoholic. We divorced when our daughter was three years old. Then he disappeared from our daughter's life for three years. One day he showed up and wanted to see her. I refused (because I was terrified that he would disappear and hurt her again). After about three months of him coming over and begging to see her I gave in. They spent about 6 months bonding (after school and weekends) and then he gave me an ultimatum. He said he can't be a part time dad and I either reconcile with him or he's disappearing again. Reluctantly we reconciled and ended up having another child together. Then I found out he was cheating again (and he still had an alcohol problem). So we split again. Sad story. I made decisions for my daughter's sake and she ended up getting hurt twice. Plus we had another child together and she got hurt too. Always make decisions for yourself and know that without intense counseling, a leopard doesn't change his spots. Best of luck to you.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

GottaKnow said:


> Sorry you are dealing with such a terrible issue. I cannot advise you what to do but I can tell you what happened to me. In my first marriage my husband had an affair when I was expecting our first child. The affair was with a neighbor that I grew up with. The affair began sometime during the first few months of my pregnancy and continued for about a year after having the baby. I tried to salvage the marriage and failed because I just couldn't trust him. He was also an alcoholic. We divorced when our daughter was three years old. Then he disappeared from our daughter's life for three years. One day he showed up and wanted to see her. I refused (because I was terrified that he would disappear and hurt her again). After about three months of him coming over and begging to see her I gave in. They spent about 6 months bonding (after school and weekends) and then he gave me an ultimatum. He said he can't be a part time dad and I either reconcile with him or he's disappearing again. Reluctantly we reconciled and ended up having another child together. Then I found out he was cheating again (and he still had an alcohol problem). So we split again. Sad story. I made decisions for my daughter's sake and she ended up getting hurt twice. Plus we had another child together and she got hurt too. Always make decisions for yourself and know that without intense counseling, a leopard doesn't change his spots. Best of luck to you.


Whoa, that's pretty intense! I'm so sorry that happened to you  Can I ask why you couldn't trust him again...did he not put the work in to get it back?

I would never get back together with my husband just for our son's sake, but it still has to be considered. In my husband's defence, he is an excellent father (aside from sleeping around on his son's mother of course!!) and has been even throughout all our mess, and has given us all of his money even when we weren't living together. There's been no ultimatums from him, in fact he understands that if I give him another chance, he's lucky....


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## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

whatthefudge said:


> Whoa, that's pretty intense! I'm so sorry that happened to you  Can I ask why you couldn't trust him again...did he not put the work in to get it back?
> 
> I would never get back together with my husband just for our son's sake, but it still has to be considered. In my husband's defence, he is an excellent father (aside from sleeping around on his son's mother of course!!) and has been even throughout all our mess, and has given us all of his money even when we weren't living together. There's been no ultimatums from him, in fact he understands that if I give him another chance, he's lucky....


That was in the early 90's, before the Internet and I just didn't know about counseling. So we didn't get professional help. At first he worked dilligently to let me know his whereabouts and curtailed the drinking. However, within a year he was back to his old self. He would disappear for a couple days here and there and come home saying he was at a friend's house. I simply couldn't believe him.

I reconciled with him because I had spent the last three years wiping my daughters tears when she wondered where daddy was. Her pain lessoned as time passed. Then he came back and I caved and let him see her. When he gave me the ultimatum I could not tear her heart apart again so I told myself that I could do it. He seemed to have changed and after almost a year of watching him I didn't recognize the man he used to be. But he only showed me what I wanted to see. He was still the same person, only worse. 

He was a good dad too, when he was there. He was patient and kind and loving. He was charismatic and charming. But alas, he was more selfish than any of these other qualities.

Anyway, I learned two important lessons: 1. Never make decisions for someone else (no matter what the situation is). 2. People seldom change without an intense committment to do so.

I'm sure you will make the right decision. Sometimes time is the best indicator.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

whatthefudge said:


> I know that we have something that's worth saving...which is also what makes this so difficult - we were so good together (*except he had an issue with our level of intimacy*) but now it's just such a puddle of snot  We start MC tonight.....


Given the way you write about it I asume you don't buy this. Never did.
Sounds story rewritting on his part to justify his affair while you where pregnant and he still at it as a way to shift the blame. It's his last line of defense.

I'm sorry you were gaslighted so badly. It really messes with our minds.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Given the way you write about it I asume you don't buy this. Never did.
> Sounds story rewritting on his part to justify his affair while you where pregnant and he still at it as a way to shift the blame. It's his last line of defense.
> 
> I'm sorry you were gaslighted so badly. It really messes with our minds.


I did not intend to write that in a way that appears that I think it was not real. It was real - I was not very interested in sex, I put very little effort in physically, no eye contact, he always initiated etc etc. The reasons for this are complex, but nonetheless the "intimacy issue" got worked on by me whilst we were apart, and in his mind was "fixed" which was why he wanted me back. 

On the flip side however, what was not real was his "attempts" at resolving the issue before he became tempted to go down the path of an affair. The issue had come up before, but the problem was not clearly communicated to me nor the seriousness of how bad he felt about it....

Everywhere I read denotes that unresolved relationship issues are usually the precursor to an affair, I guess this was ours. Throw in a major depressive episode (or did the affair cause it???) and he found a very destructive way to make himself feel better....


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You will get this advice a lot here, his words are meaningless, only his actions matter. From your description of events, his actions (still drinking, not owning his affairs, other things) are clearly stating that he is not a good candidate for R. I personally feel that substance abuse adds a large hurdle to the equation. Affairs are often equated with substance abuse, because the DS compartmentalizes everything in their lives to continue the affair. Much like an addict does with drugs. I personally wouldn't give him the time of day until he was sober 6 months or more, and attended IC the entire time. If you see him commit to recovery from substance abuse (groups, working the steps, whatever) you might have a chance with him committing to you and the new marriage. Others have said it, don't stay for the kid, only stay for yourself.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

Paladin said:


> You will get this advice a lot here, his words are meaningless, only his actions matter. From your description of events, his actions (still drinking, not owning his affairs, other things) are clearly stating that he is not a good candidate for R. I personally feel that substance abuse adds a large hurdle to the equation. Affairs are often equated with substance abuse, because the DS compartmentalizes everything in their lives to continue the affair. Much like an addict does with drugs. I personally wouldn't give him the time of day until he was sober 6 months or more, and attended IC the entire time. If you see him commit to recovery from substance abuse (groups, working the steps, whatever) you might have a chance with him committing to you and the new marriage. Others have said it, don't stay for the kid, only stay for yourself.


Does the fact that he is still drinking denote that he is still an alcoholic...?

And the affair is over. I know that he went back there temporarily, but going through his secret email account, he had definitely ended it with her once he had come back home (before I found out about the affair).


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

whatthefudge said:


> In my husband's defence, he is an excellent father (aside from sleeping around on his son's mother of course!!)


A good father honors the family, puts his family first and does not put the family at risk. A good father does not turn to another woman, drink uncontrollably, nor use drugs. Your sons father is an immature, pitiful excuse of a man. 

This man deceived you for a long period of time, he lied, cheated and he gas-lighted you and got angry with you. He lost his job, even though he had several warnings. This is not a man I would be proud to be married to, this is not a man a son would brag about.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> A good father honors the family, puts his family first and does not put the family at risk. A good father does not turn to another woman, drink uncontrollably, nor use drugs. Your sons father is an immature, pitiful excuse of a man.
> 
> This man deceived you for a long period of time, he lied, cheated and he gas-lighted you and got angry with you. He lost his job, even though he had several warnings. This is not a man I would be proud to be married to, this is not a man a son would brag about.


You're absolutely correct, thank you. I do however believe that some weighting has to be put to his mental breakdown, particularly with the substances and anger (very common apparently)....also the reason he lost his job.

I guess I was coming more from an angle of how doting he is when he's with him, and how much of the work he does with him.


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

I have no sane advise to offer, WAY past the scope of my knowledge LOL. I just wanted to say I wish you the strength to make the right choices for you and your lovely child. Always put yours and child s well being and safety above everything else.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The fact that he cannot control his drinking is what denotes him as an alcoholic. So can he make the choice to completely stop drinking, forever, and not resent you and your son? Can he learn to actually cope with life? His track record is not encouraging.

As was pointed out earlier, you absolutely cannot listen to what he says, he's a liar. You need to assess his actions. He has a problem with alcohol, but has not stopped using it. How do you know the affair has stopped? Is he completely transparent, willingly? Does he answer your questions about it? Over and over? Does he accept full responsibility for his choices? Has he stopped blaming you for his own failing?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: I don't know what to do with him!!*



whatthefudge said:


> Does the fact that he is still drinking denote that he is still an alcoholic...?
> 
> And the affair is over. I know that he went back there temporarily, but going through his secret email account, he had definitely ended it with her once he had come back home (before I found out about the affair).


By definition, he will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life. He will either be a recovering alcoholic (100% sober) or a relapsing alcoholic (binge drinking, compartmentalizing, lying, etc..). My dad has been sober for 29 years (since '94) he can be around booze without drinking, but he is still an alcoholic, and if he started to drink he would probably fall into the same routines with booze.

The fact that he will always be an alcoholic, was what prompted me to make that comment about sobriety. Obviously there is a chance that he can live a fruitful, happy, and committed life, but while he continues his drinking, your R has very little chance for success. When he drinks, he chooses himself, satisfaction, addiction, and selfishness over everything else in his life, including you and the child. His words may say he wants you, but every time he takes a drink, you should hear "i'm selfish, and since im choosing to satisfy my selfish needs now, I will do so again when a new affair partner shows up and I feel like having an affair." 

Ignore the words, look at the actions. What has he done to show you that he is capable of change? What has he done that shows you that he can commit to you, your child, and a new healthy marriage?


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## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

Whatthefudge, it seems like there is a concensus here. So many of us (that have been through the worst of infidelity) are pointing out warning signs. Please be aware of these as you move forward. However, it does seem that you are not ready to give up yet. You seem to be justifying his actions. And that's fine. I personally think you are simply not ready to let go yet. One thing I have learned with my first marriage and now my second in dealing with infidelity is that when you are done, you are done and you know it. When you reach that point of being done you will be able to move forward in your own life. Until you reach that point you will mentally weigh all of this till it drives you nuts. So, as you move forward with R (it seems to me that is where you want to go), look for the warning signs you're reading about here. Actions...not words...Don't allow him to shift the blame...Demand full transparancy...increase in drinking...etc... If you notice these signs don't dismiss them, demand accountability. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> The fact that he cannot control his drinking is what denotes him as an alcoholic. So can he make the choice to completely stop drinking, forever, and not resent you and your son? Can he learn to actually cope with life? His track record is not encouraging.
> 
> As was pointed out earlier, you absolutely cannot listen to what he says, he's a liar. You need to assess his actions. He has a problem with alcohol, but has not stopped using it. How do you know the affair has stopped? Is he completely transparent, willingly? Does he answer your questions about it? Over and over? Does he accept full responsibility for his choices? Has he stopped blaming you for his own failing?


The affair had already stopped (he ended it) before he came home to me....he just didn't tell me about it! I can ascertain this from the secret email account (her telling him how much she misses him and how jealous she is that she's not his anymore etc etc).

He is now being completely transparent. I have access to everything, and he accepts this would be for life.

He has been very good with answering any of my questions (which come up frequently and at random times), and I believe the trickle truth answers are no more....it both feels different, and there's a look of disgust and pain on his face which I'm unfamiliar with....

He is not blaming me at all, and is taking full responsibility for what he's done. He's also going to IC to deal with his own issues.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

Paladin said:


> The fact that he will always be an alcoholic, was what prompted me to make that comment about sobriety. Obviously there is a chance that he can live a fruitful, happy, and committed life, but while he continues his drinking, your R has very little chance for success. When he drinks, he chooses himself, satisfaction, addiction, and selfishness over everything else in his life, including you and the child. His words may say he wants you, but every time he takes a drink, you should hear "i'm selfish, and since im choosing to satisfy my selfish needs now, I will do so again when a new affair partner shows up and I feel like having an affair."
> 
> Ignore the words, look at the actions. What has he done to show you that he is capable of change? What has he done that shows you that he can commit to you, your child, and a new healthy marriage?


I'm not very knowledgable about alcoholism, however I fail to see how binge drinking every now and then means that R is not likely?? Is it simply that it's an extra stessors on top of an already difficult situation? Any further to that, wouldn't that make me a hypocrite given that I like to do the same on occassion? Major depression has a strong link to alcoholism aswell, he wasn't an alcoholic before his breakdown.

Just because a person is selfish in one area (ie they have a substance addiction), surely doesn't mean that they'd automatically choose to indulge in an affair, being another selfish act....? He knows where he screwed up and the series of bad decisions he made over and over again that led to the affair, he's adamant it can't ever happen again.

What "actions" do you refer to specifically?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i cant give you any great advice either all i can say my XW cheated on me 3 months after our son was born, 9 years later ive never been happier remarried and have son 75% of the time a year


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

whatthefudge said:


> I'm not very knowledgable about alcoholism, however I fail to see how binge drinking every now and then means that R is not likely?? Is it simply that it's an extra stessors on top of an already difficult situation? Any further to that, wouldn't that make me a hypocrite given that I like to do the same on occassion? Major depression has a strong link to alcoholism aswell, he wasn't an alcoholic before his breakdown.
> 
> Just because a person is selfish in one area (ie they have a substance addiction), surely doesn't mean that they'd choose indulge in an affair, being another selfish act....?


It's not that alcoholism necessarily has to do with R. Once you are an alcoholic you are ALWAYS an alcoholic. He should not be drinking period. That includes "binge drinking every now and then". It doesn't matter if he wasn't an alcoholic before he was depressed. He needs to find better ways to deal with stress and his condition that do not include drinking alcohol. Especially if he's taking anti-depressants. Which is another reason in itself he shouldn't be drinking. You're not supposed to drink while taking AD.

You're not a hypocrit because as far as we know you're not an alcoholic (although I'd recommend not drinking around him).


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

Jasel said:


> It's not that alcoholism necessarily has to do with R. Once you are an alcoholic you are ALWAYS an alcoholic. He should not be drinking period. That includes "binge drinking every now and then". It doesn't matter if he wasn't an alcoholic before he was depressed. He needs to find better ways to deal with stress and his condition that do not include drinking alcohol. Especially if he's taking anti-depressants. Which is another reason in itself he shouldn't be drinking. You're not supposed to drink while taking AD.
> 
> You're not a hypocrit because as far as we know you're not an alcoholic (although I'd recommend not drinking around him).


So are you saying that it's not so much of a reconciliation issue, rather an ongoing relationship issue? ie relationships and addictions don't mix....


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

whatthefudge said:


> So are you saying that it's not so much of a reconciliation issue, rather an ongoing relationship issue? ie relationships and addictions don't mix....


I'm saying addictions are a problem period. And if he's had a serious drinking problem in the past and he drinks heavily in the present, binging or not, then that in itself is a problem. 

If you feel that him drinking the way he currently does is compatable with your relationship and you're fine with it then okay. But there's a decent chance he could go right back to drinking heavily all the time like he was before. That's how addictions work. Which is why whether it's a drug addiction, alcohol addiction, porn addiction, etc the most widely accepted approach is to quit said addiction period as soon as possible.

What happens the next time he's incredibily stressed out?? How is he going to deal with it? What other coping mechanisms does he have besides drinking?

I'm not trying to get on a soap box and get off topic from the R issue, but I'd worry about him still drinking.


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## whatthefudge (Feb 28, 2013)

Jasel said:


> I'm saying addictions are a problem period. And if he's had a serious drinking problem in the past and he drinks heavily in the present, binging or not, then that in itself is a problem.
> 
> If you feel that him drinking the way he currently does is compatable with your relationship and you're fine with it then okay. But there's a decent chance he could go right back to drinking heavily all the time like he was before. That's how addictions work. Which is why whether it's a drug addiction, alcohol addiction, porn addiction, etc the most widely accepted approach is to quit said addiction period as soon as possible.
> 
> ...


I am worried. As he's currently unemployed he can't afford his own place, however when he's back at work he'll be getting his own place. One of the requirements for re-entry into my life will be that he not have any addictions....and any reappearance of same and I'll show him the door!

And that's before I touch on all the horrible things he's said and done whilst drunk whilst we were separated.....so him drinking is in itself a "trigger"....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Obviously, there are successful reconciliations on this forum but they involve a tremendous amount of work by the WS. And total trust is hard to attain going forward.

Everyone's situation is different, of course, but I offer the short version of my story as an example of what happens when you think you've successfully reconciled but haven't. My husband had a PA 30 years ago with an employee. I *thought *we had successfully reconciled (we had a child to consider and I did). Fast forward to a few years ago and I discovered he was having an EA with the same person. At that point, we were in a different state and I feel that's the only reason it wasn't another PA.

So, a little late, I'm ending a 45 year marriage and wish I had done it 30 years ago. Don't rug-sweep for your husband as I did for mine. And always remain vigilant.


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