# I am so full of resentment and I don't know what to do



## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

First, let me say I've been married to my husband for 19 years and together for a total of 21 years.

I was a sahm since my son was 5, he is now 22. During that time, I was diagnosed with MS.

During our whole marriage, I took care of everything. He went to work, came home and watched tv, then to bed. He never helped raise the kids. I was basically a single parent.

On top of that, there was never any affection from his part unless it involved sex.

Also, he would not communicate, would never open up and tell me what he thought period.

I've talked to him many times about how lonely I felt, how worthless and unloved I felt and I explained to him calmly why and made sure to use "I" statements. At the same time, I didn't nag him. I don't bring it up often...only until I couldn't stuff it inside anymore

He always got annoyed, as if my feeling are an annoyance, and later he would say was he'd change. And he would for a short time, but it was never long lasting.

The final straw came, when on two occasions I was dealing with an MS flare. Those 2 times I was completely incapacitated. I needed help, I couldn't even get food for myself. When I asked him for help, he made a meal, plopped it on the table and sat with a scowl on his face. That had to be the lowest point for me.

The next time, I was too afraid to ask for help, for fear of getting the same reaction. The next flare lasted a month and during the whole time he ignored me, it was as if I didn't exist. My sister finally stopped by and freaked out when she saw how much weight I lost and how weak I was.

That did it, we separated for 2 years. I came back, he said he was sorry and things will be different.

It the same.. I was in training for a job and a major flare hit. I was in the hospital for a bit then home. I was pretty much bed ridden. He did it again....didn't help with meals or laundry. I had to call is daughter for help. Even that didn't do it, not until I lost it with him and told him I was not tolerating this anymore and would go to domestic relations. He started helping then.

And the other issue is money. He makes 4000 a month. He gives me to 250 a month to live on, to pay my car insurance and whatever else. That's it.

He did that because I didn't move back into the bedroom right away. But heck, he doesn't want to discuss anything that happened before. He wants me to sweep it under the rug and pretend everything is fine.... Absolutely nothing has changed, no communicating from him, no affection...no nothing

I feel trapped. I can't work, I can't support myself.... I'm dealing with intense resentment, anger depression.. I can't keep living like this.

It's awful. I gave him everything, tried my best to take care of his needs....but my emotional never mattered. I felt like I was living with a roommate. And as far as the vow to cherish was never there.

He's been selfish and self centered and did what was best to him at the expense of me and my children's emotional needs. He made his comfort zone more important than we are.

He will not go to counseling and will not agree to pay for me to go. I'm at the end of my rope.

I see my Neuro tomorrow and will be asking for anxiety meds for I can't keep living with my heart race constantly


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

My sister in law has MS and so I can kinda relate to your flare ups as far as not being able to do much when that happens. I have have seen her at low points from this disease. 

What are you wanting from the marriage? Didn't sound like you got much from it, nor will you. 

IMO, its best to consult a lawyer. Is there anyone in your family or maybe a friend who can take you to talk with one? Maybe someone that can help lend you some money for a consultation? Some do consultations for free but most do not. 

There are different laws for different states I would imagine, but if you talk with a lawyer and tell him how much your husband makes, and your situation, you may be able t get some kind of help. Have you filed for disability?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Get away. Figure it out, plan it out, do what you have to do.... Quality of life is EVERYTHING. 

Call around for phone consultations to see where you stand. Talk with family about your options.... don't discuss anything with your H, it's past time for that. Whether he doesn't care, is just a jerk, or is really really stupid...doesn't even matter. You can have a better life than this.... but YOU have to MAKE it happen.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Hi AgentD,

First, no I didn't file for SSI, for my husband pulled my health insurance. I had to beg for it and got it just recently. I'm finally able to have a Neuro appointment, which I didn't have for years. But while married to my huband, I am not entitled to SSI because he makes to much. And I can't file for SSDI because I've been a sahm for 17 years.

I was staying with family before, but my bother was an alcoholic and it was so stressful there. Then I stayed with my mom, but she blames me for my MS.

I wish I could work, it would make things so much easier for me as far as leaving...

And to be honest, if my husband did, by some miracle, become open and caring.. I feel it's too late. So much damage has been done and my trust is completely gone.

Even if I get SSI eventually, I'll be lucky to 360 a month. I know, I checked into it. All I know is that my sacrifice, financial and all my needs has to account for something.

Most days, I'm just in tears and feel like such a fool


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Get away. Figure it out, plan it out, do what you have to do.... Quality of life is EVERYTHING.
> 
> Call around for phone consultations to see where you stand. Talk with family about your options.... don't discuss anything with your H, it's past time for that. Whether he doesn't care, is just a jerk, or is really really stupid...doesn't even matter. You can have a better life than this.... but YOU have to MAKE it happen.



I am going to call lawyers for a free consultation, and I also know I need to see a Neuro actively to document my MS progression. So this is going to take some time...but in the meantime, I don't know how to get through each day. I barely get out and just sit here and think...my mind plays over everything... I think I will be much better when I have a plan. But how in the heck do I act like everything is ok. I certainly do not want to sleep in the same bed!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Hmmm..... my first thought was "then just don't". But, I see that sometimes you have to play your cards carefully, especially when dealing with a jerk. I have a few more ideas...

Find an online support group for MS.
Find online chats or games.... 
See if you can get H to pay for online classes! ( I know, long shot)

Planning your future for YOU may be the "up" that you need! Having goals is a mood lifter. Treat him as a roommate. But you know him, we don't. If you can sleep in another room and just "be roommates" for now...then do that. If you feel you have to stay in the bedroom, then do that. It's easy for us to tell you things to do, but you know what you are looking at every day. The idea is to keep pushing yourself, get your life to a place that YOU enjoy. Keep seeking possibilities.... something is out there for you!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

From what I'm reading, you have been married for 19 years. You either live in an equity state or a community property state. Either way, in your condition, hubs is going to have to pony up more than $250/month if you get an attorney involved.

Stress can cause flare-ups, right? Well, this man is dishing out enough to give anyone major stress. Life is damn short. Really short. I'm a cancer survivor, and your post made me recall the lack of help, compassion, or any support my husband gave me. What little I got wasn't worth the hassle.

You deserve a whole let better than what you're getting. Lay all this out to an attorney. I feel fairly confident in saying you will get a WHOLE LOT MORE divorced from this man than you would get remaining with him. Honest.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Not sure what country you are in, but I have read of people who got divorced on paper so disabled spouse could get assistance. It might be to your benefit, financially. Mentally... it could save your life!

The resentment thing will continue to make you miserable for a long time, and could physically affect the MS. Consider asking for counselling as well, not just for dealing with a chronic condition, but for moving on with your life. Lots of free support groups out there, most of them online.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

HI SunnyT, yeah, I'm going to have to play my cards right. I did it before when I left, but no courts were involved, it was just a trial separation.

I hid it well last time, but this time, it's much harder, especially since the last flare. I was pretty much bed ridden Feb of this year until a month and a half ago.

What is so disheatening was that I did call colleges to try and enroll, and I was in training for a job, then this flare hit. It's been awful

But I do not, in any shape or form want to have sex with this man or have him think I want to. I'm just not sure how to handle that part while I get my plan together


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> From what I'm reading, you have been married for 19 years. You either live in an equity state or a community property state. Either way, in your condition, hubs is going to have to pony up more than $250/month if you get an attorney involved.
> 
> Stress can cause flare-ups, right? Well, this man is dishing out enough to give anyone major stress. Life is damn short. Really short. I'm a cancer survivor, and your post made me recall the lack of help, compassion, or any support my husband gave me. What little I got wasn't worth the hassle.
> 
> You deserve a whole let better than what you're getting. Lay all this out to an attorney. I feel fairly confident in saying you will get a WHOLE LOT MORE divorced from this man than you would get remaining with him. Honest.


Yes, the stress has been making it worse... I will be talking to an attorney soon.. I'm just plain scared SSI will not be enough to live on. I use to be so independent until MS came along.. I hate this, that I can't work and that someone now has so much financial control over me


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

deejov said:


> Not sure what country you are in, but I have read of people who got divorced on paper so disabled spouse could get assistance. It might be to your benefit, financially. Mentally... it could save your life!
> 
> The resentment thing will continue to make you miserable for a long time, and could physically affect the MS. Consider asking for counselling as well, not just for dealing with a chronic condition, but for moving on with your life. Lots of free support groups out there, most of them online.


I agree Deejov, resentment is awful and I don't see it ending while I'm here, but I can't leave until all my ducks are in a row. Until then, I'm trying to find ways to deal with the resentment. I hate feeling like this.

Oh and I live in the USA in Pa


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Hugs to you, and I'm sorry you're in this situation. Hopefully something can be worked out and soon! Please feel free to continue to post here and keep us updated on your situation.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

I will AgentD, It helps not to keep it all inside...

I've put my foot down with alot of the treatment he was giving, like trying to manipulate me with money and with-holding care... So at least things have gotten better with the care I need, but the emotional stuff is still missing and at this point, I really don't want to be with him. I want to leave, I just need to make sure I'll be ok financially.

And gosh, it's hard trying to start a new career dealing with MS, being out of the work force to raise my kids and now my age of 48... But I know I don't want to stay married to this man and I deserve much better


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

abandonedcompletely said:


> I will AgentD, It helps not to keep it all inside...
> 
> I've put my foot down with alot of the treatment he was giving, like trying to manipulate me with money and with-holding care... So at least things have gotten better with the care I need, but the emotional stuff is still missing and at this point, I really don't want to be with him. I want to leave, I just need to make sure I'll be ok financially.
> 
> And gosh, it's hard trying to start a new career dealing with MS, being out of the work force to raise my kids and now my age of 48... But I know I don't want to stay married to this man and I deserve much better


Sounds like you have your head on straight! Hang in there!


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

AgentD said:


> Sounds like you have your head on straight! Hang in there!


Thanks, at this point, I just need alot of encouragement and not to lose heart


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

abandonedcompletely said:


> I'm just plain scared SSI will not be enough to live on.


One thing to keep in mind: SSD is not taxable income. Also, an attorney might counsel divorce. You will get additional income from hubby. With his salary? Yes, you will get more than SSD offers. You are disabled, and although it is a royal pain-in-the-butt task, you are qualified to receive disability. Please don't think the worst until, and if, it happens.

I understand your fear, but you are not going to be left out in the streets. Please, have faith. Don't give up, and don't let fear take control.

You can have a far better life. Believe it.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Thanks prodigal, that is my biggest fear, that I'll be stuck in this mess.

Also, I was just talking with a male friend. And he said, since I left for 2 years because of the ill treatment, but came back...because I'm not sleeping in the marital bed, I shouldn't be entitled to any martial income while I'm here. Just wondering if this is morally correct. and if so, how do I get a money to use for anything. I barely have any for Christmas shopping, yet my husband has been spending alot. He has made me feel I have no right to any

Before I left, the money was equally ours, now my husband treats me as it not.. I'm just not sure how to handle this


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

I faked it and hid it before I left last time. This time, I am going to be much smarter and make sure I am taken care of financially. At this point, I have no say about anything here


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My heart breaks for you. I broke my neck 3.5 years ago and I'm homebound due to severe pain. There are days where I, too, can not get out of bed the pain is so bad. I am homebound and I leave the house for doctor appointments.

My husband in a million years would never treat me like yours. My husband has picked up my slack and makes sure that I'm feeling okay every single night. I need affection and he gives it to me nightly cuddling and holding hands. He's not embarresed to push me in a wheelchair because I can not walk long distances. My husband has always put my needs before his.

Personally, your husband is very selfish. You would benefit from leaving. My husband would never ever give me a limit to pay our bills. We have one account and I buy what we need no questions asked. I've never been ignored in the last 12 years. 

I'm so very sorry. It looks like your husband will never change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessicx (Sep 5, 2011)

Your story is absolutely heart breaking.... both because this man does not deserve a woman as good as you, and because so much of it resounds within my own life! My husband is controlling, belittling, judgmental, and downright cruel. He's been gaslighting me for years, alienating me from my friends and family, and using full on emotional and verbal abuse to widdle my self-esteem down to nothing.

I've been told by friends and family that I need to put my foot down... but like you, it never works. He finds my weaknesses and uses them to his advantage. But... there is a way!

First off.... don't get angry. I tried that because I thought it would help me stay strong... but all it did was piss him off more. Be resilient! Stick to your guns with the same tone you've used throughout the marriage. Don't give him any ideas. 

Whatever you do... don't let the endless chain of thoughts overwhelm you, especially at night. You have to find a way to cope.... I use meditation and Yoga.

It might not sound like it, but 30 minutes of guided meditation daily will help you release those obsessive thoughts and help keep your mind strong. I don't know if you're able to do Yoga... but if it's too much, try Tai Chi. Anything to help put your mind in the right direction.

Self help books are a good way to go... but this forum is a great first step. If anything, finding the right support group might be all the strength you need to make that next big step.

Be strong... you can do this... you will get through this and you will be stronger in the end for having endured it.


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## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

abandonedcompletely said:


> Yes, the stress has been making it worse... I will be talking to an attorney soon.. I'm just plain scared SSI will not be enough to live on. I use to be so independent until MS came along.. I hate this, that I can't work and that someone now has so much financial control over me


I am so sorry I hope you can get this worked out, maybe some family or friends that would let you stay with them? You defiantly don't deserve to be treated like that.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

jessicx said:


> Your story is absolutely heart breaking.... both because this man does not deserve a woman as good as you, and because so much of it resounds within my own life! My husband is controlling, belittling, judgmental, and downright cruel. He's been gaslighting me for years, alienating me from my friends and family, and using full on emotional and verbal abuse to widdle my self-esteem down to nothing.
> 
> I've been told by friends and family that I need to put my foot down... but like you, it never works. He finds my weaknesses and uses them to his advantage. But... there is a way!
> 
> ...


Hi Jessicx, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I've heard about "gaslighing" though I've never experienced it. It must be awful.

I've gotten my resentment and anger under control. I couldn't handle what it was doing to me physically. 

I've also read many self help over the years and did go to counseling, and I do have to say, it has helped me greatly and has given me the mental strength I have now.

I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I do not deserve the complete ignorance he has shown me...


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Well, I had my Nuero appt and my husband went with me. 

While there, and my husband sitting right there, I asked what were my options the next time I have a flare and can barely take care of my self. I asked what can I do if I barely get help with food and just basic needs for survival...They told me they would get me in contact with social services. I also told the doctor to tell my husband that I do not know when a flare is coming and I cannot stop one.

My husband just sat there, didn't say a word...

I will talk more candidly with the doctor on my next appointment, next month. I'll be there alone, and want the doctor to know exactly what has been going on concerning my care,

I will be starting physical therapy next week and I will also be talking with them.

What my husband has done is criminal neglect.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your H seems to be taking revenge on you walking out on him. You somehow have to impress upon him that even for the worst offenders there are time limits. He has had his revenge time to start anew.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Do you think your husband is treating you this way, possibly, because you don't work? I am not saying it is right...I'm just wondering if he is resentful because you don't work. Maybe he feels like you should have gone back to work after your child was in school or at least by now.

One other thing that caught my eye in your OP was you said he only goes to work and does not help you. Maybe he felt like your job as a SAHM was to do everything around the house and raise your child, and that since he was working, he didn't have to contribute around the house. Did you two discuss your role as a SAHM?

Also, working isn't a piece of cake, you know. I'm not saying that taking care of kids and a house is....but when I hear people say ALL the husband/wife does is work, it aggravates me because work can be hard. It's either mental work, dealing with deadlines, office politics, etc or labor.
Have you shown him appreciation for working and earning a living for you both?

I think that some men are secretly resentful that their wives stay home. I have talked to some who are resentful and feel their wives don't contribute. Yes, I know raising and child and taking care of the house are work, but especially when the children are older, many husbands feel like they are the only ones working. This can definitely lead to resentment on the husband's part, and can lead him to feel it's his money, not joint money.

Just some food for thought.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

abandonedcompletely said:


> Yes, the stress has been making it worse... I will be talking to an attorney soon.. I'm just plain scared SSI will not be enough to live on. I use to be so independent until MS came along.. I hate this, that I can't work and that someone now has so much financial control over me


If you divorce him, since you were a SAHM, he will almost surely be legally required to hand over a big chunk of his income, his savings, his retirement accounts. And if PA is an alimony state, and since you are disabled, he'd also be forced to pay you alimony. Find a lawyer who will take his pay on the end; yours is a pretty open-and-shut case.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> Do you think your husband is treating you this way, possibly, because you don't work? I am not saying it is right...I'm just wondering if he is resentful because you don't work. Maybe he feels like you should have gone back to work after your child was in school or at least by now.
> 
> One other thing that caught my eye in your OP was you said he only goes to work and does not help you. Maybe he felt like your job as a SAHM was to do everything around the house and raise your child, and that since he was working, he didn't have to contribute around the house. Did you two discuss your role as a SAHM?
> 
> ...


It was a mutual decision. In the beginning I did work. I worked, took care of the home and did all the child care by myself. We started having babysitter problems and daycare was not an option. 

Once my son was in school, I started doing paperwork, at home, for a company. I was again doing all of it by myself. The company closed and so did my job.

Eventually I discussed getting an outside job, but my husband said no. Then MS came along when I turned 36. I wish I wouldn't have listened and gotten another job anyway, at least I could get SSDI, which is not dependent on the income of my spouse.

I want to add, I also let him know how appreciative of him working... I also would make sure the kids knew how much he worked for them... 

And me, I might not have worked outside the home for many years, but I took my job serious. I was not a slacker. I was pretty much Martha Stewart. I took care of our finances, did all the cooking cleaning, groceries, banking, child care and so forth. I never had a day off, even with the flu, I had to take care of everything with no help...and I mean, absolutely no help. He never helped when he was home, on the weekends or during his vacations. I think he wanted a mother and that's how I've felt.

As far as communicating... I've tried many times. It's like pulling teeth to get any communication from the heart from him.

I was a godly wife, and put everyone first.. I'm not doing it anymore. It got me nowhere. I've sacrificed my financial future along with everything else, and this is my payment..it's awful.

I left before because he just about allowed me to starve when I was at my weakest, my most vulnerable time. This is not mature, caring behavior. I could never do that to another human being.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

turnera said:


> If you divorce him, since you were a SAHM, he will almost surely be legally required to hand over a big chunk of his income, his savings, his retirement accounts. And if PA is an alimony state, and since you are disabled, he'd also be forced to pay you alimony. Find a lawyer who will take his pay on the end; yours is a pretty open-and-shut case.


Yes, PA has alimony, they call it maintenance. 

I know they look at how many years I was home to care for the family, my age and my health.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All big factors to indicate you're going to be financially taken care of, even if they have to deduct it from his paychecks. Please don't let money keep you from leaving him and getting proper help. With the money the court gives you from his income, you'll be able to put a home healthcare worker on retainer for the times when you need her. And best of all, you'll finally get some peace of mind, and hopefully start loving yourself again after he's gone and his negativity/apathy isn't sucking it out of you. You deserve it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

abandonedcompletely said:


> I know I don't want to stay married to this man and I deserve much better


Yes, you certainly do. You've given everything and he has done nothing but take from you. You have done everything right and he has shown himself to be of the lowest moral character. Take your case to the state and their family justice system will make you whole. Your lawyer will be your advocate and the judge will be your benefactor. They will turn the tables and take from your husband and give you what you deserve.


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## TheOne1 (Dec 27, 2011)

*hugs** im sooo sorry you are going through this !! I pray you feel better and recover safely and once that happens RUN! and never look back at this MONSTER! that obviously does NOT deserve you! 

Take care of yourself you are #1 ..forget him like he forgot your needs and your heart.


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