# Revelations from a man married to a sex/love addict--with an infant.



## Serialed (May 5, 2017)

I'm 34. My wife is now 30. We were married young and naive, in 2007. We've had kind of an unusual life... WW is a musician, and several years into our marriage became a very successful one who got to travel the world and perform for large crowds (in some cases) and get showered with attention. She had an affair in 2010, and we nearly divorced. She left me, I moved out, but we eventually reconciled once she realized she had been a total idiot and the washed up rapper she was cheating with was, in fact, a piece of garbage drug dealer 15 years her senior. She also had a "near miss" with another man during this time, where it got physical but didn't go all the way. 

I won't go into too much detail, but I have learned a lot since then. I KNOW I went too easy on her then and took too much responsibility due to some ugly codependence issues in an attempt to R. I was a people pleaser, a doormat. There was another "near miss" in maybe 2013 where I caught her sending a bra picture to a mutual acquaintance... which she explained away well, and it was a 1 time thing (I verified through phone records and Facebook). But aside from that, I thought she had really grown up over the last 7 years. She was holding down day jobs, had calmed down a lot, and things were good. I’d like to think I learned at least how to be LESS of a doormat. 

Flash forward. We've been married 10 years. I am also a musician and have gotten to play some tours with her, we've traveled and done theater and done a lot of other cool things together. We finally decide to have kids... have 3 miscarriages...then boom, daughter is due in March 2017! Woo! 

But then a bombshell in December 2016. She's had another affair. For 5 months, all during her pregnancy. She reveals it to me out of the blue—she hid it VERY well, considering I was pretty aware of red flags to look for. But the fact I didn’t catch her, and she brought it up herself, says a lot. She insists they did everything EXCEPT sex--they didn't go all the way (she says). She also revealed a long-term emotional affair with a mutual friend in 2010. So... it has become a serial thing. That’s a grand total of FIVE affairs, “incidents” or screw ups in our 10 years of marriage. BUT I had a daughter on the way in 2 months…. And, after paying $1600 for a prenatal paternity test I knew definitively this child was mine. 

I told her, if it weren’t for our daughter I’d leave her. I don’t want to miss my daughter’s first smile, her first step, her first word, because of my wife’s choices. I said she owed it to me to let me stay and be with my daughter for a little while, for maybe 6 months, while I figure out what the heck is happening and what I’m supposed to do. We’ve gone to a bunch of counselors, and she’s been labeled a “Sex and Love addict” since it’s not necessarily the sex, but the attention or desire to be loved that she is addicted to… and addicted she is. She admits it now. I see it. She is going to SLAA and attempting several other programs. She is trying to get into every type of recovery she can find. She closed her facebook down, stopped doing almost all of her music, and has thrown herself into mothering and bending over backwards to make me happy. In all other facets of life except monogamy, she has been a responsible woman and (mostly) a joy to be partners in life with, which is one reason this came out of the blue and hit me so hard. 

She APPEARS to be doing everything she can to keep me from leaving, despite the fact that I am aloof and unloving, and not giving her any of the attention she so craves.

But, here I am, still a bit shell shocked. In love with my precious daughter—whom I don’t want to see only on weekends, and I want to be there to help her grow and teach her how to not make the same mistakes her mother and I have made. I am still in a holding pattern for at least a few more months… but this limbo feels strange. Does anyone else have experience with a sex/love addict? It’s a new, SUPER FUN facet of infidelity to think about… especially when you have a newborn child to take care of. Addicts compartmentalize. They don’t usually intend to hurt others. They don’t usually intend to leave relationships—just crave the thrill of being desired, of filling some gaping void in their soul that no amount of love or attention will ever fill. It’s not as easy as the usual “should I stay or should I go” type of situation, which I’m confident would be easy for me to answer if I didn’t have a daughter with WW. 

Phew. Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I would wager a significant sum of money that what you know is but the tip of the iceberg.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Throughout most of your marriage she has been unfaithful. You know about 5 affairs now and some weren't disclosed until she was pregnant and knew you wouldn't leave because of the baby. This is a horrible situation for you to be in. 

The "love addict" angle is more an excuse for a person with low self esteem. The chemicals and euphoria of new affairs/relationships can be powerful but it is used as a mask for other problems like poor self image/self esteem. The need for constant outside validation instead of being happy with yourself. 

Whether they intend to hurt others or not is irrelevant, they leave a wake of damage behind them that's often unrepairable. She is viewing you as a security blanket right now more than wanting to try and repair this relationship in my opinion. While I understand you staying for now because of the baby sooner or later she will probably revert back to her old ways unless she moves "heaven and earth" working on her issues. Staying just because of kids is usually a bad plan.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> I would wager a significant sum of money that what you know is but the tip of the iceberg.


Yes. There will be more.

A polygraph would be an option.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Duuuuuuuuuuude


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Man life is way too short. UGGH.

"love addict" is just a pretty euphemism for broken person or to be blunt adulteress. You wife has severe emotional problems and will probably take a lifetime to overcome. She is very similar to an alcoholic. If you stay you are in for a very hard life. At this point you really should not believe a word she tells you. You have no idea who or what your marriage has been.

Get shared custody. Be in your daughters life. FIX, fix you codependency issues and move on to better. It's not a good place to be in to sacrifice you life to someone who emotionally defrauded you. Who in their right mind could be happy with that? Again life is way too short.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She is a cheater, not a love addict, IMO. 

You have her so high on that pedestal, you can't seem to bring yourself to call it what it is. Why does she get such kindness after her repeated poor behavior for a wife? Was it because she was carrying your child? 

You seem like a very nice person, but staying together won't help your daughter, if she grows up believing it is ok for her mother to have multiple emotional and/or physical connections to multiple men. Your wife is more than a mother, she is an exemplar. She may be trying to reform, and I'd be less apt to be saying any of this if she had only one incident, however she has cheated multiple times. That establishes an undeniable pattern of behavior which cannot just be overwritten easily. I suspect that it's only a matter of time before she cheats on you again. I personally think you and your daughter deserve more than that kind of deliberate destabilization in your lives.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> I would wager a significant sum of money that what you know is but the tip of the iceberg.


Yep.

Also, is divorce illegal where you live? If not, why haven't you filed?

She's never going to stop cheating, man. Serials never really do.

Seriously, you might as well either divorce or accept that you're in (and will likely always be in) an open marriage.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

So what was the question?

Terrific read, *phew* Congrats Serialed *sic* (as in serialization), fully expect you'll get whatever answer you're seeking in 50 pages..


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Serialed said:


> I'm 34. My wife is now 30. We were married young and naive, in 2007. We've had kind of an unusual life... WW is a musician, and several years into our marriage became a very successful one who got to travel the world and perform for large crowds (in some cases) and get showered with attention. She had an affair in 2010, and we nearly divorced. She left me, I moved out, but we eventually reconciled once she realized she had been a total idiot and the washed up rapper she was cheating with was, in fact, a piece of garbage drug dealer 15 years her senior. She also had a "near miss" with another man during this time, where it got physical but didn't go all the way.
> 
> I won't go into too much detail, but I have learned a lot since then. I KNOW I went too easy on her then and took too much responsibility due to some ugly codependence issues in an attempt to R. I was a people pleaser, a doormat. There was another "near miss" in maybe 2013 where I caught her sending a bra picture to a mutual acquaintance... which she explained away well, and it was a 1 time thing (I verified through phone records and Facebook). But aside from that, I thought she had really grown up over the last 7 years. She was holding down day jobs, had calmed down a lot, and things were good. I’d like to think I learned at least how to be LESS of a doormat.
> 
> ...



Why would you put up with a serial cheater like that? You will regret it and is that what you want to teach your daughter that it is ok to walk all over a man, cheat, etc he'll still come back? Be a man, get a divorce and fair child custody arrangements, you can still be a great father, you don't have to stay married to her mother to be that!


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Serialed said:


> .....my precious daughter whom I don’t want to see only on weekends.....


Considering your wifes behaviour, shouldn't she be the one leaving and seeing her daughter at the weekends? Or is you leaving and her getting primary care a facet of 'gender equality' Washington State reserves for cheating wives?


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

Serialed said:


> I'm 34. My wife is now 30. We were married young and naive, in 2007. We've had kind of an unusual life... WW is a musician, and several years into our marriage became a very successful one who got to travel the world and perform for large crowds (in some cases) and get showered with attention. She had an affair in 2010, and we nearly divorced. She left me, I moved out, but we eventually reconciled once she realized she had been a total idiot and the washed up rapper she was cheating with was, in fact, a piece of garbage drug dealer 15 years her senior. She also had a "near miss" with another man during this time, where it got physical but didn't go all the way.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Hey, I'm in the early stages of finding out about my husbands infidelity. 7 times. He's a sex addict, he seeks no affection or communication outside receiving sexual pleasure. My world fell apart, specially as we have a very active and fun sex life, me ironically being the more needy sexed one, as in I can't really go 48 hrs max.
We've started therapy, the therapist said to me, that my husband could have crazy sex every night with the hottest wife ever a big house, great job everything........ he would of still sought it out.
The issue is not mine, it's his,the addiction part isn't even in the end result as in the orgasm the addition is quenched in the making contact and the chase then the organisation of the event. The secrecy adds to this. It still hurts like crazy but I do understand parts of this, as these things excite me too, but I don't but myself in the way of temptation, he went on a swinging website. Hoping that just viewing would me his thrill, instead it just fed him.
So now he's going to be getting therapy to try help him find trigger points to why he reacts that way, and tools to help him should he feel things heading back that way.
For me I'm left devastated, I'm trying to get strong and mentally healthy, for myself and children first. We are hoping that we can figure this out and in time build reconciliation, meantime we are in recovery.
Honestly I'm terrified........ I never want to feel this pain ever. The paranoia and mind movies are a killer. However I love him hugely and at the moment when I wake, I say to myself " today I choose love today I choose forgiveness " I offer a prayer or two.
Not all days are a walk in the park, but I do see a foundation being prepared for a future.
Hope this helps.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Any reason why you think she is going to stop cheating on you??? She has done it five times that you know about ( the others are probably right in that you do not knows squat), and you are the one who thinks they will be moving out and you are the one playing the "pick me" game. You also better be careful because if any of these "self help" groups she is in are co ed, they are a breeding ground for new sex connections. Now please don't tell us she has a make sponsor or mentor???

There is no advice to really give you. You are not interested in getting out of infidelity if that does not mean staying married to a serial cheater. Now you can go spend thousands of dollars and years on therapy with some genius who will probably put part of the blame on you.

If you really want to get your head out of the sand and stop playing ostrich, you will tell her she is taking a polygraph at a time you choose in the future and you will have the divorce papers to hand her if she fails. Otherwise, just keep making excuses for her and let her rinse and repeat her behavior because she keeps getting away with it with no. Consequences than you sucking it up over your child. Do that for 18 years and you will be a wreck .

Five episodes of infidelity should be enough to shake your core. Apparently not in your case. Sorry for the harshness of this but tiptoeing around the truth ain't going to help you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sorry if I missed it but how do you know your daughter is actually yours?

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She has no handles.
She has no boundaries.

She has no handles that you can hold on to. She continues to break away.
She is never going to be yours' exclusively.

Why did she reveal her latest escapades? Out of the blue?
Blue for you? It took the oxygen out of your system? Why? This is normal behavior from her, Eh?

She revealed this out of the blue because she is sick. She is sick.

And she "must enjoy" your squirming reaction. Not only is she self destructive, she is into destroying you. She is sub consciously destroying you, pushing you away.

"She wants to be free of you". She does. She does not want therapy, she is tired of IC, MC and talk. She wants romance, she wants penises. 

She does not "quite" know this. Her actions show this...her mind is conflicted.

This is her cruel subliminal way of cutting. Cutting her, cutting you...out of her life.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My Friend why do you allow your Wife to walk all over you ???

She is serial Cheater and she will never change. People like her never change. 

I really cant understand you.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Addictions of any kind need to be dealt with, otherwise a healthy relationship can never happen. She has to see the problem, she has to do the work - with or without you. Things may be too damaged now, especially as she seems to completely lack awareness. She hasn't even begun.

Love (and/or sex) addiction is real, and it has to be treated along with any other issues - it cannot be ignored or dismissed. These are the books I used (combined with therapy) to learn about and deal with love addiction.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0062506048/

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004G60B5S/

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BS03FBM/


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> Sorry if I missed it but how do you know your daughter is actually yours?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


He says he paid for a test.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband is a sex addict. He attends a 12 step group and has done so for 6 years. He's also done a **** ton of counselling. He is now 'sober' for 6 years.

The thing about addicts is that THEY have to want the help, THEY have to accept the help, THEY have to do the work. THEY have to decide to be sober. Nothing you do can 'make' her stay sober. Do you think she's reached this point?

If not you must distance yourself from her. I know you don't want to lose your baby. But you won't. There's a post on here from a guy who thought 'staying for the kids' was the right thing to do, but after he finally split with his wife he discovered that his relationship with his kids was far BETTER. I will try to find it for you. But know this - your kids need you to be a whole person. And you can't be one, living the way you are, unless your wife is doing some heavy duty work to end her acting out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Be smart said:


> My. Friend why do you allow *your Wife to walk all over you* ???
> 
> She is serial Cheater and she will never change. People like her never change.
> 
> I really cant understand you.


Dittos...

You need a plan.
You need a plane.

Two tickets...one for you, one for the baby.

Let your soon-to-be-ex-wife STBXW carry your baggage. You carried her's long enough. 

Soon it's Kid-pro-go time. You gone, with the little pooper in tow .
.


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## Serialed (May 5, 2017)

Posting from my phone so forgive me for typos or brevity. Thanks everyone for the responses. I know this board, and most others, are generally anti-R. I get why. 

I'm 100% on the fence. I've not committed either way. I told my WW I would stay in the house for 6 months, for our daughter, while I figured out what I wanted.

To answer some questions--yes, I got a test. The child is mine. 

Today, we discussed how I felt this may only be the tip of the iceberg. SHE brought up a polygraph and that she'd be willing to take one. I am strongly considering this. She also noted that she told me about her latest affair and unsolicited told me about the emotional one several years back. She is being forthright and honest without me prodding or begging and pleading.

She has accepted that she is an addict, after her counselor suggested it. She has been seeking out treatment--SLAA, Celebrate Recovery, and is looking into a specialist in our area as well. She is certainly saying and doing the right things without me asking or forcing the issue. I can tell she wants to change (at least, for now, though admittedly she knows her entire way of life is at stake).

On the subject of our child... WA state is a no-fault divorce state, and incredibly woman-friendly. There is almost zero chance I get custody since there is no documented mental health issue, drug abuse, etc. The best I could hope for is a 50/50 split and even that is suspect with a newborn. Obviously I don't want to stay in a terrible marriage for our daughter--she needs healthy role models. I'm partly selfish in that I don't want to miss all the fun things in her first year or two... and I also don't want to share her with what inevitably will eventually be a scummy stepfather. 

If she was not saying and doing everything 100% right, this would be a much easier decision. She has turned on a GPS in her phone that I can track anytime I want, she sends me picture proof of where she is whenever I want it. She's told her parents she is an addict for some accountability. Both her recovery programs are female-only, and she has no sponsor yet but it will be a woman. As it is, my current plan is to wait until September--when my daughter is 6 months old--and reasssess. 

There is no other way to describe this situation besides an unmitigated disaster. 

I guess my question really was just whether anyone had experience with addicts, and their thoughts. I've gotten some answers and info, that's for sure. I understand the thought that "addict" sounds like an excuse for ****ty behavior. I thought that too. But professionals have diagnosed her as an addict. She genuinely seems to not WANT to cause anyone pain, nor does she get that much pleasure out of the sex itself--it's the attention she craves. That's why she is a performer. That's why she is charismatic, the life of the party. I don't need to go into the psychology of it, but based on a terrible upbringing I can see why she grew into a woman with terrible self esteem who constantly tries to fill the void with the attention of men.

Anyway. Thanks for the input everyone--I'll respond more specifically when I'm not on my phone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Sorry if I missed it but how do you know your daughter is actually yours?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk





> BUT I had a daughter on the way in 2 months…. And, after paying $1600 for a prenatal paternity test I knew definitively this child was mine.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Serial

OK, looks like she is making some attempt. Willingness to take a polygraph is different than actually doing it. Many say that hoping you will back off. I would not do it now b it I would do it as a big time surprise six months from now REGARDLESS of how she is acting. 

Understand this. Addicts of any type do not get cured totally. If you're a drunk you can stay out of bars, but you can't keep her from her addition, which is the penises of other men. That is your long term problem.

And lastly, you got one thing totally wrong. The forum is not anti R or anything close to it. It is TOTALLY anti infidelity and if that means laying it out even if someone does not want to hear it so be it.

The goal of people responding to you is to get you out of infidelity, not to keep you married at all costs.

Your timetable will be determined by how you feel as you go forward, but do not waste your money on a test right now. Before you make any decision is when you need to make sure she has "resisted" her addiciotn.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Serialed

I am sorry that you are here.

I think that your plan is a good one. A six month breathing space was recommended to me and I am glad that I took it. Being able to make a decision rationally is important, especially when children are involved. And no matter how rational you may feel now, it takes time to work through feelings of betrayal, anger and resentment to the point where they no longer colour every thought. You also have the (positive) emotional aspects of your daughter's birth to process, which are probably complicating things. I would suggest that you spend this time wisely though - and I don't mean just working through the doubt/distrust and paranoia in whatever constructive way you can. 

Have you thought about going to IC yourself? Whether you choose to stay with your wife or divorce her, you are going to need emotional support. And IC can be a good place to logically unpack pro's and con's with someone who has no vested interest in the outcome, save that it be the best one for you. It may also be a good place for you to understand your wife's diagnosis better and what its impact on your life might be going forward. At the risk of being called sexist, I think that many men fall into the trap of thinking that emotional pain needs to be "toughed out". If you can't face IC, then I'd urge you to talk this over with someone (as neutral as possible) that you trust. 

My husband had a polygraph to help convince me that he was telling me the truth about the extent of his affair. I found it to be helpful - for a variety of reasons. Remember though that it is not 100% foolproof/reliable and at some point an element of trust/belief has to re-enter the equation. 

You sound like you are able (and also trying) to empathise to a significant degree with your wife and her situation. And that is admirable. Nonetheless, it is not selfish to want happiness, calm and stability for yourself. And your daughter.


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

Mizzbak said:


> Serialed
> 
> I am sorry that you are here.
> 
> ...




I got my husband to do a polygraph, he refused point blank at first which made me think there was a whole lot more. Anyway eventually I got him to do it, first I had to suffer all the truth of what he had done. I still made him do it. I'm so grateful he did, I learnt what had gone on but also what hadn't. It gave us a foundation to start on though.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

"Counselors" aren't qualified to make a sex addict diagnosis. But they sure love slapping that label on anyone they can.

If you want an *actual *diagnosis, take her to a CSAT - they're actually qualified to make that determination.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Get a post nup now.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Serialed said:


> There is no other way to describe this situation besides an unmitigated disaster.


Since there is no great solution for your situation, I think the following is the best plan of action for now would be to divorce, but continue to live together so that neither of you have to spend a lot of time without your new daughter.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You must perform a serious introspection and determine whether or not you can accept her past and then if she is TRULY remorseful and contrite. I do not believe in addictions, I do believe in weak willed people who hide behind an excuse to continue to behave badly. I quote quite often that if a person wants something badly enough they will find a way, if they do not they will find an excuse.

Each of us could allow a want or desire to consume us and many do but it is not that they are addicted but rather that they are not desirous enough to make something happen. I could proclaim that I am addicted to one thing or another but the reality is that I like the thing and do not truly want to do without it for if I did I would. You wife lacks the motivation to stop her craving for attention but if you are to have any semblance of a marriage then find it she must.

She is a mother and a wife and it is time for her to accept the role and live it and I would be sure that you make that clear to her. In all of this it is the child that is the most disadvantaged because the one(s) that is supposed to care more for her than their own life is more concerned about her need for attention than her infant daughter. Tragic.

If you decide that you do want to R then you must make it crystal clear to your wife that behaving like a groupie and throwing herself at men for the attention will not be tolerated. It is shameful that she would set such an example for her daughter but in order to feel shame she must understand what shameful is. Therein lies the difficulty and it will fall to you to make her see and understand it. It is a daunting task so give it careful thought. It will prove difficult but it may be worth it for your daughters sake.


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## Serialed (May 5, 2017)

It is true, it is just a standard therapist that has said she believes she is a sex/love addict. Not a CSAT. I've spent hours trying to find a CSAT that our insurance covers but have not found a single one. So, maybe she isn't an addict. I am as skeptical as anyone that "addiction" is simply an excuse when it comes to sex, love, or attention... but she returns from her SLAA group every week saying that she relates to almost everyone in that group. But, I still view it partially as just an excuse. I don't know. What husband is prepared to answer such a question anyway? I don't know. She went to a bad IC that tried to force some pills on her then said she was not qualified to deal with her intensity of problems... so she is looking for a CSAT or at least someone with a sex addiction specialty. 

Mizzbak--I am indeed in IC myself, which is helpful...but I'm not sure how helpful. She's been trying to convince me to enjoy the once-in-a-lifetime experiences with my young daughter, and somehow has been intimating that things maybe "aren't as bad" as I think. She almost makes me feel like I'm overreacting. I am keeping the polygraph option in my back pocket. I do have empathy for WW's situation, because I genuinely feel like she's remorseful and, to some degree, simply hates herself. Not to make excuses, but she had a terrible upbringing so I understand why she is the way she is now. As you say, that doesn't mean it's selfish for me to pursue my own happiness. 

Thank you SoulPotato for the book suggestions--I'm looking at getting one or more of those now.

To all those firmly in the "divorce" camp--I totally understand. I really do. I believe in my heart I'd be lawyered up by now if I didn't have a 6 week old daughter at home. I'm resentful that I HAVE to choose between "living with my infant daughter" and "not being married to a serial adulteress" but it's my reality. That's why I said I would wait until she was 6 months old and reassess. At least I get some time with my child before I leave, if that's the path I decide to take. 

It IS tempting to snag a lawyer, move out and let the chips fall. I'd hardly get to see my daughter for a while, then would eventually get partial custody... if WA state would even go for that, given that babies almost ALWAYS end up with mom full-time in this state. Some other trashy dude inevitably marry WW and he and her would be crappy examples for DD for the half time they get her, or whatever, and I'd only get to be dad half time. I mean... there is just nothing good about that, aside from the fact that I'd be a relatively young, healthy single guy again and rid of a serial cheater. 

Man. I just hate all of this. I feel trapped.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She parceled herself out to a rapper? How many other women were in his harem? I imagine she had lots of competition. 


Nice...


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Serialed said:


> It is true, it is just a standard therapist that has said she believes she is a sex/love addict. Not a CSAT. I've spent hours trying to find a CSAT that our insurance covers but have not found a single one. So, maybe she isn't an addict. I am as skeptical as anyone that "addiction" is simply an excuse when it comes to sex, love, or attention... but she returns from her SLAA group every week saying that she relates to almost everyone in that group. But, I still view it partially as just an excuse. I don't know. What husband is prepared to answer such a question anyway? I don't know. She went to a bad IC that tried to force some pills on her then said she was not qualified to deal with her intensity of problems... so she is looking for a CSAT or at least someone with a sex addiction specialty.
> 
> Mizzbak--I am indeed in IC myself, which is helpful...but I'm not sure how helpful. She's been trying to convince me to enjoy the once-in-a-lifetime experiences with my young daughter, and somehow has been intimating that things maybe "aren't as bad" as I think. She almost makes me feel like I'm overreacting. I am keeping the polygraph option in my back pocket. I do have empathy for WW's situation, because I genuinely feel like she's remorseful and, to some degree, simply hates herself. Not to make excuses, but she had a terrible upbringing so I understand why she is the way she is now. As you say, that doesn't mean it's selfish for me to pursue my own happiness.
> 
> ...


OP,
Perhaps instead of looking at this as a trap consider it a temporary assignment. For the sake of your daughter, who has no one else to stand up for her, you are doing something you find unpleasant for a period of time. The statement you made about retaining a lawyer and letting the chips fall is an open option at any time so, in reality, you are staying by choice for your daughter's sake, commendable.

Just keep reminding yourself that your option to leave is always there. As to your wife becoming involved with some "trashy dude" that is almost a certainty given her propensity for promiscuity. It is wise that you are keeping that away from your daughter. Your role in this is adult and your wife's is child. I know this is of little value but I feel you are doing the right thing for your daughter presently.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd bet my next paycheck that she's banging someone in her "therapy group".


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## Serialed (May 5, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Perhaps instead of looking at this as a trap consider it a temporary assignment. For the sake of your daughter, who has no one else to stand up for her, you are doing something you find unpleasant for a period of time. The statement you made about retaining a lawyer and letting the chips fall is an open option at any time so, in reality, you are staying by choice for your daughter's sake, commendable.
> 
> Just keep reminding yourself that your option to leave is always there. As to your wife becoming involved with some "trashy dude" that is almost a certainty given her propensity for promiscuity. It is wise that you are keeping that away from your daughter. Your role in this is adult and your wife's is child. I know this is of little value but I feel you are doing the right thing for your daughter presently.


I can do that--think of it as just a temporary assignment. I'm not sure how long my assignment is, but I can do that for now. I trust WW as a mother in terms of taking care of the necessities for my daughter... but as she gets older, I do not trust her at all to be any kind of role model, to provide stability, or to bring any type of male figures into the picture that are reasonably positive. She needs me.



GusPolinski said:


> I'd bet my next paycheck that she's banging someone in her "therapy group".


Thankfully, both the SLAA and Celebrate Recovery groups she goes to are all-female. That was a dealbreaker for me.



bandit.45 said:


> She parceled herself out to a rapper? How many other women were in his harem? I imagine she had lots of competition.
> 
> Nice...


Even though the A with Mr. Washed Up Rapper was 7 years ago, I am still physically repulsed whenever I hear "I like Big Butts" come on the radio... or at weddings...or at karaoke bars...no, it wasn't Sir Mix-a-lot himself. Just one of his entourage. "But he said he loved her!" Barf.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Serialed said:


> I am indeed in IC myself, which is helpful...but I'm not sure how helpful. She's been trying to convince me to enjoy the once-in-a-lifetime experiences with my young daughter, and somehow has been intimating that things maybe "aren't as bad" as I think. She almost makes me feel like I'm overreacting.


Serialed, IC should be helpful. I'm a firm believer in chemistry - sometimes you click with a therapist and sometimes you don't. It isn't necessarily a reflection on the therapist. Sometimes we just mesh well with certain people and/or therapy styles. (I really appreciated it when my current therapist gave me the "If I don't work for you - then it's no harm, no foul" spiel.) Maybe think about giving her feedback or even challenging her about making you feel like you're over-reacting. (FWIW, I don't think you are at all... In fact, you seem incredibly pragmatic and level-headed about your situation, all whilst being pretty honest and open about your state of mind.)

Focusing on your daughter right now does make sense - even if it's because you will only have this time with her once. And that has less to do with your wife and more to do with what is between your daughter and you. Watching closely as little personality traits emerge and enjoying the enormous changes that seem to happen overnight are a big deal. It does suck - this time should be something you and your wife are sharing closely. (I found out about my husband's first affair (already history by then) just a few weeks before his first Father's Day. He doesn't ever get that back... 



Serialed said:


> Man. I just hate all of this. I feel trapped.


We all have pictures in our heads about how our lives are supposed to turn out, the kind of parents we want to be and the kind of family life that is important to us. When we screw up and fall short of that, it's on us. But when someone else that we trust(ed) screws it up badly for us, out of their own enormous selfishness and stupidity, then it is really hard to let that go and look forward objectively. Probably the thing that I found most useful was realising that I couldn't have a plan for every eventuality. And that I didn't actually need to make any decisions, not until I was ready and knew what I wanted to do. When we are in limbo because we are afraid to move at all, then that is bad. But when we are consciously biding our time and waiting to see the lay of the land, then I think limbo has its merits. Especially when you know that you can step out at any time that you need to.

I hope that you are taking a thousand photographs of your daughter every day. You can never have too many. [insert ad for cloud-based storage here:wink2:].


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Rather than indulge in nonsense, please get your self checked for STDs. Your wife may have infected you with something since she has been so reckless. Do not be intimate with her, she cannot be trusted. 

And avail yourself of the services of a good psychologist, a counselor. And, a divorce lawyer--even if you do not divorce. Know your options regarding the child support and visitation. 

If it were me? I'd leave her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You need to understand staying with her doesn't necessarily make you or your child safe. Many kids who grow up in dysfunctional homes carry that dysfunction into their adult lives and relationships. There is a good chance that your wife will add dysfunction to your life and your child's. At least if you move on to a stable environment there will be a safe haven for your child free from dysfunction at least part of the time. 

Also children need full focus if both of you are always dealing with the drama that she brought or is bringing into your life you child will lose out of both parent's having focus. At least if you left one parent could. 

Also just because your wife seems stable now doesn't mean she will stay that way. There is a particular thread on here right now where the poster's wife with BPD seemed stable but was still cheating on him for 20 more years. That was 20 years he could have been in a relationship with someone who didn't abuse him. Now in his case it seems like the kids were oblivious to her cheating but that may not be so. Sometimes kids find out and agonize with whether or not to say. Or are forced by their one parent to hide it from the other, forced into choosing one over the other. Others grow up and model the cheating behavior that they saw their one parent minimize and their other parent passively accepting, because it was never seen as a big deal. There is a particular poster on here who basically says he cheated because everyone in his family did it and no one ever said it was wrong. Things could be fine for 10 years and then all of a sudden she could fall off the wagon. Staying with someone with sex addition doesn't mean you are giving your child a healthy environment. 

Bottom line staying for the kids isn't always the right thing to do. Staying isn't always protecting your kids. A lot of times it is hurting them especially if the emotional abuse is ongoing. Also modeling a marriage that is full of fear and doubt or even one with no love, is not a healthy way to teach a child about relationships. Again staying for the kids is really not a good reason in lots of cases. 

As far as your IC if she is trying to minimize what is probably one of the most traumatic situations you could possibly go through you should probably get a new counselor. One who understands the gravity of the situation and specializes in trauma, infidelity and I heard recently on another site grief. Getting grief counseling seems to make a lot of sense since what you are really doing is mourning the loss of something you thought you had. The loss of a person who you thought you married. 

I suggest you seriously try to detach your emotional attachment to your wife as frankly it's not healthy for you, and once you do then make your decision. It is valiant that you want to try but it also may be reckless. Also it is important to make sure that you are not making a decision out of fear or codependency. When these decisions are made because of that almost always the outcome is disaster. And it is also selfish to stay with a partner who abuses you because you are codependent, when your kids could be damaged by it. You have a responsibility to protect them. That being the case killing your emotional attachment will enable you to make a rational decision based on facts. Obviously this takes some time.


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## Serialed (May 5, 2017)

So today, I've been digesting everything said on here. I talked to my IC a few days ago. And I'm just mad--plain and simple, furious. The more I think about it, the more my hopes dwindle for a successful R... that I'll ever be able to move past this while remaining married to WW. I'm mad I have to start hemorrhaging money on a lawyer, mad that she exploded our daughter's family and way of life before she was even born. Mad that I've kept this latest betrayal from my friends and family, so I'm isolated. Mad I'm going to have to start my life over.

I'm in my mid 30s. I wanted a family, to go on trips and watch my children play together and grow up in our neighborhood. But now, that may never be the case. By the time I'm divorced and ready for any other relationships, will it be too late to start another family? Quite possibly. I have to grieve that loss also. 

I just don't know today. I feel sick.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Serialed said:


> I was a people pleaser, a doormat.


Was?!? No friend, still are.



Serialed said:


> So... it has become a serial thing. That’s a grand total of FIVE affairs, “incidents” or screw ups in our 10 years of marriage.


That you know of. All that traveling alone and you think it was only five, with her persona? Double digits is low balling...



Serialed said:


> I told her, if it weren’t for our daughter I’d leave her.


We can't help you if you continue to lie to yourself. You have no intention of ever leaving her. 



Serialed said:


> Does anyone else have experience with a sex/love addict?


LMAO, she's an addict? Is this some twisted way of making yourself feel better by saying, "Oh she couldn't help herself, the addiction made her suck all those men off."

Listen pal... WAKE THE HELL UP. She has NO respect for you, she is CHECKED OUT PERMANENTLY from "your relationship", and she DOESN'T love you. You are being USED.

You play the role of emotional tampon and old blanket. Nothing more than something comforting to go home to after she's had her jollies of getting pumped and dumped.

You want some SOLID advice? Get some help FOR YOUSELF. You clearly have ZERO self respect by sticking around and you are a codependent to the point of being a "battered wife".

There is only one REAL fix to your problem. DUMP THIS TRASH, HARD AND FAST. Move on with your life or stay miserable forever. Your choice and stop hiding behind the kid. Man up!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Serialed said:


> So today, I've been digesting everything said on here. I talked to my IC a few days ago. And I'm just mad--plain and simple, furious. The more I think about it, the more my hopes dwindle for a successful R... that I'll ever be able to move past this while remaining married to WW. I'm mad I have to start hemorrhaging money on a lawyer, mad that she exploded our daughter's family and way of life before she was even born. Mad that I've kept this latest betrayal from my friends and family, so I'm isolated. Mad I'm going to have to start my life over.
> 
> I'm in my mid 30s. I wanted a family, to go on trips and watch my children play together and grow up in our neighborhood. But now, that may never be the case. By the time I'm divorced and ready for any other relationships, will it be too late to start another family? Quite possibly. I have to grieve that loss also.
> 
> I just don't know today. I feel sick.


You are mad because you are allowing each of those things to happen to you.

YOU ARE ALLOWING IT.

Stop protecting her. Allow the natural consequences of her behavior to take place.

This starts by talking the truth of what has happened to family and friends.


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

Serialed said:


> So today, I've been digesting everything said on here. I talked to my IC a few days ago. And I'm just mad--plain and simple, furious. The more I think about it, the more my hopes dwindle for a successful R... that I'll ever be able to move past this while remaining married to WW. I'm mad I have to start hemorrhaging money on a lawyer, mad that she exploded our daughter's family and way of life before she was even born. Mad that I've kept this latest betrayal from my friends and family, so I'm isolated. Mad I'm going to have to start my life over.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This is so hard, I'm in a similar position, although we haven't started couple therapy yet. Also I'm in my late 30s. My husband as also now been told he's not a sex addict, so to me his actions hold nothing beyond his control, this hurts more. We have 2 children under two, and yes I'm extremely mad not only did he do this to me but also them. He selfishly choose himself over our beautiful wonderful family. I have no idea if we will survive this, but if we don't it will because he single handily tore us apart. I'm going to try, but it's just torture putting myself through it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

Serialed said:


> So today, I've been digesting everything said on here. I talked to my IC a few days ago. And I'm just mad--plain and simple, furious. The more I think about it, the more my hopes dwindle for a successful R... that I'll ever be able to move past this while remaining married to WW. I'm mad I have to start hemorrhaging money on a lawyer, mad that she exploded our daughter's family and way of life before she was even born. Mad that I've kept this latest betrayal from my friends and family, so I'm isolated. Mad I'm going to have to start my life over.
> 
> I'm in my mid 30s. I wanted a family, to go on trips and watch my children play together and grow up in our neighborhood. But now, that may never be the case. By the time I'm divorced and ready for any other relationships, will it be too late to start another family? Quite possibly. I have to grieve that loss also.
> 
> I just don't know today. I feel sick.


Serialed, I know its tough. You're mad, you're sick and you have every right to feel whatever you like. I just want to encourage you and let you know that there is joy, freedom, peace and love on the other side of this. Its all in how you CHOSE to live during and after the process.

You are absolutely not to old to have the life you desire. My first husband was a serial cheater. When it came to the point where you are now, I was a mess. Same age as you.My outlook on things were the same as yours. I didn't want to breathe anymore. But I had a 3 year old that gave me reason to fight for my life and the life desired. So I CHOSE to not be bitter, to work on me, to find me as I was a lost little, raging puppy, lol. 

So I got into intense counseling. For me "my faith" played a huge role in getting better after divorce. I loved my life after the divorce. The freedom is amazing when you are not sitting around wondering about a sketchy partner. I was a better single mother to my child because I was/am happy and free. Life after divorce were my best ever in my life. I married young 19. Divorced in my 30's. Happy, happy, happy after.

Be encouraged, you will find happiness and be a better father without the weight of a partner you can't trust. Be free, it's worth it. Father more kids and find a worthy partner. You can do it!!!!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> LMAO, she's an addict? Is this some twisted way of making yourself feel better by saying, "Oh she couldn't help herself, the addiction made her suck all those men off."


QFT

I'll add that she's not a sex/love addict.

She's a *CHEATER*.

Plain and simple.


I'm going to be a real jerk here, but you need a slap of reality.

You're sick about starting over?
Are you kidding me? Stop being a martyr.

You chose to stay with someone who is messed up.
You chose to have piles of pain and shame heaped upon you.
You chose not to sink her battleship by exposing far and wide.

You lament about not having the kids grow up in the neighborhood and family trips and everything else you had planed out with your wife.

You should be doing back flips at the thought of getting rid of her.
You should be excited about getting a person so unstable as to have unprotected sex with a stranger while pregnant away from you kids(even if it is only 2 or 3 or 4 days a week)
You should be happy that you will be able to offer yourself and your kid stability.
You should be going nuts at the possibilities of you and your kids being safe and together.

You need to get in IC with someone that has dealt with serial cheaters.
You need to get yourself to a doctor for STD/STI/HIV testing today.
You need to get yourself to a lawyer ASAP


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

GET OUT. Prolonging this is just making it worse. Your future daughter having a dad as a doormat is less healthy than any alternative.


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## Judy Dowwin (May 15, 2017)

I agree so much, please take this to a good attorney and ask for custody. How can she be a good mother and role model to your daughter? Do it before that little girl has to experience this pain.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get out now before you have just the one kid chaining you to her.


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