# Was it my fault?



## so_very_Sad (Oct 22, 2015)

Ok...so I guess this is going to be a long post...I will try and keep it as simple as possible.

I have been married to my hubby for 15 years. We have a 2 year old daughter (who we tried 12 years for). 

A month ago he told me he didn't love me anymore, I had not other indication that he felt that way...it felt like JUST one day, he decided that...he never gave me the chance to try fix it. That was shattering enough. 
That night I went onto his facebook (something I never do) to see messages between him and a woman I have known since I was a child. I kicked him out then and there. As he left I demanded to know how long it had been going on for, he said a month...and he said "they loved each other".

This woman was still very much in my life to. She was still talking to me, joking with me, and only a few days before she looked me in the face as I bought her a coffee. 

Sadly, I have since had other people who know our families, (as I have said we have been in each others lives since we were babies, and our families have a lot of mutual friends..we also live in a smaller town) come forward and tell me she has done this before. 

I have said from the start of this I believed she wanted my "perfect life"...a life that's grass was only spray painted green. This was backed up by my mum telling me that she tried to turn her (my mum) against me. 

I am a defence wife and my life has been FAR from easy or even wonderful.

I very much LOVE my husband and very much want him back. I miss him, his good and bad points.

A lot has happened in the last month *I process things very quickly* I have read a lot of things..including posts on this forum...I guess first of all how do i burst his bubble..no easy answer there.
2nd how do I show him that she isnt who he thinks she is. I believe she is using him.

I also know begging is NOT a good idea and have done my best to NOT do that...thought rabbit holes seem so easy to fall down. 
I have however just recently asked him for another chance for us. When we were engaged he had a "one night stand". HE asked me then to give us a chance...I did...and for 15 years never regretted it. I have asked him for that same chance. To date me, to start over with me, to bring back the fun and games..the thrill if a new relationship and the butterflies that come with it. 

I felt LOVED not long ago. He was going to "stuff up" his career to move us, as we were so unhappy here where we are. He was due to go away for work, I sent him away to think ..he came back and deiced he did not want to move...it was a hard to take. But I supported him in that choice...and we made the choice together to go through IVF for our 2nd baby. I had gone off the pill (due to endo and nasty periods I use the pill to help with that). I had suffered 2 periods in one month and was about to have my 3rd period when he left. 
At no stage did he say to me he felt uncomfortable with the decision we had made together for #2

At no stage did he make any indication of not being in love with me anymore. 

I know the title on my post is NOT my fault...but the thought does sit in there...was there something I did to make him do this? 

I have apologized for my part in our break down of the marriage over the last almost 2 years. I am not innocent..though I did not choose infidelity or even send him that way.

We had been seeing a relationship counselor and NOT that long ago either, our life goals were the same...he WAS happy with me...

I am honestly not sure why I am here or even what I expect others to even say to me...I guess if you have an advice or help then I am reading...I DO NOT want to let him go...he is my world, I adore him and I want to be there for him in all his endevours, I want to celebrate with him when they work and catch him if he falls.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

OP, you have answered your own questions. You want to stay married to him....all right, but that means that you have to take the bitter with the sweet, and accept that you are his permanent plan B. He is a cheater, and won't stop being one, as long as you kowtow to him. If you really want a healthy life, you need to stop defining your happiness by your husband, stick up for yourself and improve your self image. Get individual counseling, become more self sufficient. In other words MAKE your life, yours. As long as you are willing to accept the scraps of life, that is all you will get.


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## wolffey2003 (Oct 23, 2015)

Dump Him


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi

Are you feeling numb, a loss of self, panic? I keep noticing how BS regardless of gender process the same emotions. Many terms used here include the 180, the fog, cheaters script. Start by reviewing the newbie section. 

NCIS Gibbs has his rules. Here the number one rule is while a marriage may have serious issues, adultery is never an acceptable option. It is always the fault of the cheater. 

As to the OW, it will be months before he wakes up. You can't tell him anything at this point. It will actually make him dig his heals in more. 

Understand you are in a fog as well. For example you gave him a chance when he cheated while you where engaged. Why won't he give you a chance now that he is committing adultery? Does this really sound like you?

Keep posting and at a later date review your thoughts. Research the terms I mentioned and post your thoughts. 

You will heal, the wound will never completely heal (triggers) but you will grow.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The answer to the question in your tagline is.....no, not at all.

The choice to be a traitorous POS is always entirely on the cheater themselves....don't ever believe a word of the blameshifting bullsh*t that a WS throws out to justify their crappy behavior.

Personally, I think you should kick him to the curb.....you both deserve and can do better.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

It was a nice opening post you wrote. My best wishes. All this is always much messier and painful than appears in these pages. Give some thought to what you want. I think around the Coping With Infidelity thread we tend to get really embittered and angry about affairs. They're not good. Destructive to families and innocents. At the same time, once one partner to the marriage has left, you should be realistic about the possibility that for better or worse they will not come back. I think your gut is correct that you cannot beg them back into the marriage. You can beg, but that won't help (ask me how I know). In some cases, a spouse will say oh, geeze, I screwed up. But that is not the end. Think about what you want and go in that direction recognizing full well that what you want may not be available if it is return to your marriage before, imperfect as it may have been.


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## inpourquadri (Oct 23, 2015)

you have answered your own questions.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

This is the second time he cheated on you that you know about...



> I have however just recently asked him for another chance for us. When we were engaged he had a "one night stand". HE asked me then to give us a chance...I did...and for 15 years never regretted it. I have asked him for that same chance. To date me, to start over with me, to bring back the fun and games..the thrill if a new relationship and the butterflies that come with it.


I don't really understand.. how is that you are asking for a chance when he is the one that betrayed your kid and the family ? I mean, it makes it look like you accepted that you caused him cheat with this woman. It underminded any chance of him seeing the mistakes he is doing right now.


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## so_very_Sad (Oct 22, 2015)

Thanks everyone for the replies...
My friends and family are saying how strong I am...and I am making plans of what to do with my life. I am seriously thinking of moving. Though I have family where we are now, I want a fresh start, should he not come back..which is a huge and very real possibility. I am going to move to place where we have no memories, a place where I can make memories of my own, where I also have family support.

I guess I feel so bloody confused...as less than a month before I found out, he LOVED me...I felt it, I knew it...I also knew when things had changed...and I was causing more fights with him due to it. I fought him as it was the only way to talk to him (even though yes I know this is the WRONG way to do it...nothing else worked...). I guess I am truly trying to understand what went wrong...and if as my title says...was it my fault...even I though I KNOW it wasn't..the thought is still there. 
I know the only person that can really answer my questions is him...I get that...it is also why I said I really don't know why I felt the need to post. I guess I was looking for some support from people who don't know us, of which I have received already (and thank you for that!)
I have been seeing my own counselor for a while now and have continued with that. Our not so great relationship was affecting me personally.

I guess I also don't understand how he is so ready to give us up, our family, and watch my daughter and myself leave. 




sparrow555 said:


> I don't really understand.. how is that you are asking for a chance when he is the one that betrayed your kid and the family ? I mean, it makes it look like you accepted that you caused him cheat with this woman. It underminded any chance of him seeing the mistakes he is doing right now.


I am not condoning what he has done and have stated that to. I have not shoved that in his face..BUT have made it known. I guess I have asked him the way I did as I know this man...I have knew him well for 15 years...even though now he feels like a stranger, and someone has taken over his body. I was just trying to remind him of years ago how we gave it another shot...we tried...why cant we again


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This is of course not your fault at all. It's entirely his fault and the homewrecker's fault.

If you want to repair your marriage, I suggest listening to the good folks here who know about the 180. 

BTW, congrats on your baby after 12 long years. <3


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Just as there is a cycle to adultery there is a cycle to healing. You are dealing with a zombie from folklore. The WS has been bitten and is morphing into another being. Thier love ones refuse to accept the bew reality and pay a horrific price before destroying the zombie.

Have you used on line tools to reseach divorce laws in your state. The OW has and is pumping him full of ideas on what is fair. She may aiso have decieded she is the better mother for your daughter. Yep only in the eye of the fog, 

In two months you will morn the death of your marriage like a parent of a child killed by a drunk driver.

You at some point see your WS in a new light. Many of the same feelings will still be there, but the pain from his adultery will erupt, 
Leaving the question in your mind "di inrealoy want him back"?

Finally protect your honor. You are very vulnerable, prime affair bait.


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## so_very_Sad (Oct 22, 2015)

Sadly or not for me I am a Social Woker...and weirdly enough I am fascinated and would love to work with the bereaved (wow I do sounds like a weirdo...) What I am trying to say is I understand that healing cycle and I guess at the moment I am very much stuck in the "bargaining". 
I am just really trying to understand why he would do this...and as have said before only he can really answer that...I know. 
I would NOT be surprised if the OW is very much in his head about having our daughter. Knowing what she is like personally (having known her for all of my life) she is that kind...BUT..saying this, her children are older...and she now has the freedom that only comes with older children. My child is still in nappies and does require the attention of a 2 year old. 

Thanks for reminding me to protect myself to...I am trying in a way. I have my own plan B in the works...and though I would rather plan A...like all plans sometimes 2nd is best


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

so_very_Sad said:


> I DO NOT want to let him go...he is my world, I adore him


Do you want the best chance to save your marriage?

Then you have to be willing to lose it; to move on with your life without him. 

By that, I mean you shouldn't chase after him and you shouldn't apologize. In fact, you need to end all contact with him except what's necessary for the well being of your child. You should implement the 180 to detach from him. Talk to an attorney and start the divorce process. You can always delay or end it before it's final.

He has to understand what it *feels* like to lose his wife for cheating on her, if there's any chance for him to turn around. And, you need to find your anger.

Further, if he does an about face and wants to R; you shouldn't accept anything less than no contact with the OW, unconditional remorse, full transparency, acceptance of exposure, and 100% effort from him to do the heavy lifting to repair the damage to you and the marriage - *before* you even consider it. 

He has to *know* that you will not accept being his plan B.

The more you chase him the further he will try to pull away from you. The more contact you have with him, the harder it will be for you to detach from him.

Remember; I said "best chance" to save your marriage; and a chance is all you have. He may not turn around. But if he doesn't; these steps, as counter intuitive as they may seem, will give you a head start on moving on with your life.

I'm sorry you're here.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Do you want the best chance to save your marriage?
> 
> Then you have to be willing to lose it; to move on with your life without him.
> 
> ...


I think this is right. What I would add, is that, as hard as it will be and as much support as you may need, do not at this point do anything with the objective of saving your marriage. That may be a felicitous result. But if your objective is to save your marriage you will make things worse before they get better. Take care of yourself.


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## so_very_Sad (Oct 22, 2015)

Thanks again for the messages....I did look at 180 and was trying very hard to do it, like I said rabbit holes are to easy to fall down :-/

So an update...the request I sent him to give us a 2nd chance was answered. I asked him to take the time to think about it...he couldn't even give me that honor and answered right away. He said he is happy with his life right now.
So...after a good cry, I emailed him back and said that I had asked him to think about it, but if he couldn't even give me that he is NOT the man I thought he was. 

So....I WILL adore the man I WAS married to for 15 years, the man that is now gone. And I will go with MY plan B, now my plan A...come next year I will be moving myself and my daughter. I need to show him that I wont be waiting around for him, and I need to get on with my own life...as hard as that is right now. My heart keeps crying out...as is expected...and I am deeply saddened. But, he has to make his own choices, and he has. 

Thanks again for all the messages.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

First of all congrats for having a baby after so much time of trying .

Second-you should never apologize to him for having an Affair,an Affair with a long time friend.
He should apologize to you,beg for forgivness. 

This is not the first time he cheated on you,and this time it is even worse. He cheated on you,your child and he cheated with a long time friend.

Reading your posts you decided to stick with him and work on your marriage. Well I am not a woman,but I would kick his a$$ out of my house and enjoy my life with my child.

Best wishes to you and your baby,but if you still want to do it,then tell him no contact with this woman at all. 

Expose his Affair to family and friends.
No secret paswors,accounts.
He needs to tell you all about his Affair.
He needs to convnice you that he will never do this again,especially because this was his second Affair.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Make your plans to move on. He needs to see/know you're moving ahead and making your life without him. Do the 180 full out, no contact. 

Full exposure to everyone. Since he's made his choice file now. If that doesn't wake him up nothing will.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Stick around and keep posting. 

This battle for you is far from over.

When you think about breaking the 180, come here for the needed reality check.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You can survive, you make make a fabulously loving home for your child. You can recover and heal and become stronger and more centered than you feel right now.

Having an action plan is good. Anticipate the roller-coaster ride of emotions that will follow in the next weeks and months. It will hurt. If it didn't, then the marriage meant nothing and we all know that wasn't true. So mourn the loss of the good times you had and the marriage you could have had. And like farsidejunky mentioned, post here. TAM is a great source of support and an excellent sounding board for emotions and developments.


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