# I want my old life and my old husband back



## Tinklady27 (Mar 11, 2015)

I found out on Dec. 30, 2014 (our 14th Ann.) that my husband had slept with someone else in early October and had continued a long distance relationship with her up until the point he told me. We have been working hard to get our marriage back but I am having a very hard time these last few weeks. I am obsessed with every female he has in his life. Coworkers mostly who have been his friends for a long time are my biggest problem. There is one on particular who he has gotten even closer with but he doesn't think I should worry so much. Does he not understand how much these women in his life hurt me? Am i being unreasonable? I just want to go back to my old life before I knew and before I couldn't trust the things my husband is telling me. I am sad and hurt all the time and it worries me that he will get tired of rehashing what he did. Any advice is welcome and please tell me this is all normal emotions!


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

First of all i'm sorry for what you've been through.
One thing for sure, infidelity is written in ink not in pencil. It'll stay there forever in your marital history. Even if you choose to reconcile the marriage you once knew is over, the 100% safety and trust you had for him will never go back. Gently, there's no way to get back to your old life and your old husband is gone. But it can be good again, in a different way and through a long difficult way called reconciliation. It'll work IF BOTH of you are in.

All of what you're feeling is normal. What your husband is doing, rugsweeping and minimalizing what he did is NOT good. He wants you to just forget it because a.he doesn't want to take responsibility b.he thinks it's not that bad c.he's ashame d.he doesn't care about your feeling. Those are all bad. Tell him to start taking responsibilty and show some remorse. If he keeps burying his head in the sand, walk away


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not being unreasonable. Sadly you will view everything he does through the lens of his infidelity.

That's down to him.

You both need counselling, in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry. And, yes, what you're feeling is normal. You've had a tremendous shock and it's still very recent. 

The truth is that you can recreate a new life but unfortunately the old life is gone. That's what infidelity does. And it can take years to recover from. Your husband should be doing everything he can to get your marriage back on track and that includes giving up any female friend you are uncomfortable about. 

R is a very hard road and it takes a lot of time and energy. Triggers can last for years so be patient with yourself. Counseling can help.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Tink these are normal emotions..

You need some Marriage Counseling and some personal Therapy.. It is very helpful to help you get through this time in your life..

What made him tell you ? Was it something you noticed and called him out on it ? Or guilt ?.. I have yet to see anyone here post that the wayward spouse just told them out of sheer guilt..

Remember he has to do the heavy lifting here as well.. He should be kissing your A$$ right now.. He should be doing everything to make you feel secure.. If he isn't then something is still wrong.. 

I caught my Ex wife several times and I can tell you the last time clearly something was off because I didn't feel the concern from her end.. Whereas previous times she was like her own personal GPS.. Mind you back then we didn't have find my iphone and stuff like that.. 

Again whereas the last time she would turn find my iphone off to meet this other man and wouldn't tell me much of anything.. 

I will tell you this.. If you make it easy for them, they will have little fear of doing it again.. They need to feel like they are on a cliff and you are holding on to them preventing them from falling.. 

It truly is a hard and fine line to walk.. But trust me it must be done..


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## Tinklady27 (Mar 11, 2015)

Thanks to much for the feedback. He is definitely remorseful. He way I found out was he told me he was moving out. I think he expected I would just let him go and he would never have to tell me the truth. But, I immediately sought counseling and fought him on it. After 2 days of me constantly telling him I was going to fight for him and for our family he broke down and told me the real truth. It was pure guilt that brought it out i think. I wouldn't say he is minimalizing it but I think he thinks because things are so good with us right now that I have just moved on and things can be like they were again. I feel like I have to keep reminding him that I am heartbroken and don't trust him at all. I obsess about every text he gets and phone call he makes. His relationship with this girl (22 year old college student) was being done through phone calls, texts, and Snapchat because she lives in another state. The girls he talks to are people that have been friends and coworkers for many years but I have never been distrustful until now. It makes me feel like such a nag of a wife.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your husband? How long have you been married? Do you have any children and how old are they?


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## Tinklady27 (Mar 11, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> How old are you and your husband? How long have you been married? Do you have any children and how old are they?


We are 33 & 34. 4 boys ages 5-12. We've been married 14 years.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Tinklady27 said:


> Thanks to much for the feedback. He is definitely remorseful. He way I found out was he told me he was moving out. I think he expected I would just let him go and he would never have to tell me the truth. But, I immediately sought counseling and fought him on it. After 2 days of me constantly telling him I was going to fight for him and for our family he broke down and told me the real truth. It was pure guilt that brought it out i think. I wouldn't say he is minimalizing it but I think he thinks because things are so good with us right now that I have just moved on and things can be like they were again. I feel like I have to keep reminding him that I am heartbroken and don't trust him at all. I obsess about every text he gets and phone call he makes. His relationship with this girl (22 year old college student) was being done through phone calls, texts, and Snapchat because she lives in another state. The girls he talks to are people that have been friends and coworkers for many years but I have never been distrustful until now. It makes me feel like such a nag of a wife.


You are NOT a nag of a wife. He has broken the trust in your relationship and is acting, in my opinion, immaturely and selfishly. From what you've shared, it does not sound like he realizes or accepts what he has done to you, to the marriage, to the family. It will take a step at a time to rebuild and he needs to be the one who does the heavy lifting in that rebuilding.


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