# Not sure what to do



## elledj (Oct 1, 2009)

I have been married for 20 years. For the past year my husband and I have not been getting along. Our fights lead to his threats of him leaving me. He also recently informed me that he hates the weekends because that means spending time at home. Any time we argue he uses the "You are always against me" comment. I am starting to put up walls because of the constant threat that he is leaving. I can not talk to him about anything not even how I feel because of the I am against him comment not even if I try to tell him how I feel. I am really not feeling happy about being in this relationship. I feel like he is trying to control me, like my opinion or emotions do not matter. It is either his way or nothing at all and screw what I have to say or feel.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sit down and have a heart to heart when things are more relaxed. 

When you do speak to him...use "I" messages. 

Example: "I feel sad that we aren't getting along." "I wish we could spend more time together and do something fun." 

Whatever your issues are...plan the conversation ahead as best as you can. When you use the "I" messages it usually comes across as a softer approach. Try to keep calm and raising your voice. If he's NOT in the mood to talk...ask when it will be a good time.

If he still refuses...then back off and have some fun in your life. Don't wait on him. Do your hobbies and go out to lunch with friends. Take up exercise...whatever. Show him that you aren't waiting around on him.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I have actually been there before as well. It gets heartwreching to think the one person that is supposed to love you doesn't want to be around you. I did discover why my husband was doing this though, and it was silly. He assumed that since I didn't want to go camping that meant I didn't like to do anything outdoors. Yeah, silly. I love being outdoors and as soon as he learned to stop trying to "figure me out" he learned that I am up to trying a lot of things if you just ASK. I can't read minds!! Maybe you should ask your hubby if he is doing the same as mine was?? Do you think that could be it??


----------



## elledj (Oct 1, 2009)

I am normally up to do what he wants. Some stuff I may not be fond of but I give it a whirl. If I suggest something it is normally shot down, that is why I feel like it is a control issue. Not only that but I feel so hurt because the furthest thing from my mind even through this rough time I do not think of leaving. I stood by him when he had some addiction issues which he overcame and never once did I feel that I needed to leave him. Needless to say I am extremely hurt by his constant comments about leaving me. I am not sure that he is involved with someone else and therefore the thought of leaving the marriage is easy for him. My gut tells me that he is not having any type of affair. He is hard person to talk with because right away he blows his top. I can try to have a calm discussion with him but it ends up with him being furious and cursing me out. I am just so hurt and confused right now. Do I keep trying or do I move on is the big question. I know I need to do some soul searching within in myself.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I would definately find out if you want to be there first. If you do not, then when he says he wants to leave, show him the door LOL. If you do want to work it out, then I would try to make an arrangement of rotating, okay you decide what we do this weekend, I will do next weekend and rotate so he has some control, but it is equally split. 

Do you see yourself with him in 10 years?? Can you see yourself with him if he doesn't change how he behaves??


----------



## elledj (Oct 1, 2009)

There are times I can and on the bad days I feel like I am better off without him. I get so confused. We have two kids away at college and one still at home. He has been an amazing father despite his downturn into addiction when they were small. My daughter asks me why he is so mean to me. I tell her that I think he is going through some type of midlife crisis because the last thing I want is for them to pick sides. He has been a good father to them. I get the brunt of his mood swings and I have always felt that better me than the kids. I feel like it is taking a toll on my spirit, self esteem, etc. This past weekend was a really depressing and dark and I starting to really second guess wether I am in it for the long haul or is it time to get out. Sometimes I feel I need to get away and really look at my situation. Then again if I did that who would totally lose it. I want to make the right decision really for myself. My kids are out on their own and independent so I can no longer make the excuse that I need to saty in it for them. My last one will be leaving for college next year. I will really be by myself then. I am soooo confused.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

It does sound like it is going to be a very difficult decision, and I know that it is probably tearing you apart to have to try and answer all these questions about what is better in the long run. Maybe you could baby step and start with a counselor and then if no effort is being made on his part, try a trial seperation? Sometimes a little time apart makes things so much clearer for everyone. Definately keep it at a level you are both comfortable with though, if a trial seperation sounds way too drastic, then stick with a counselor. I am not gonna lie, we tried a marriage counselor and I honestly can say that since I made absolutely sure we got a male counselor my hubby actually took his advice and criticism to heart and tried to fix things.


----------

