# How do tou handle the empty house , any tricks ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

One thing l'm really struggling with . It also brings up a lot of anger back , especially when l clean up. like my d's room , this was our little families home , that was my d's room she'd grow up in , now there's just me.
It makes me sick.
Going to bed at night's fkg awful to. The main rooms up the front of the house , l feel like a pimple up there alone and it's very depressing.l painted it and stuff but hasn't helped much.
Another bad time is going out , feels fkg terrible unlocking the door and walking in when l get home late.

Do you have any tricks , how are you handling it ?

l've done wonders through all this , coping and progressing with the new life , plus all our debt , the hurt . But this house alone stuff , it's still upsetting me.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

There's no easy answer, Hawk.

Time, and the grieving process.

I find that I really enjoy when I have the kids for my week. The backround noise of the TV, their presence, etc. 

But, surprisingly, I find I also enjoy the quiet solitude of when they are at their mother's.

Solitude is different than loneliness.

You'll get there in time.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

It's about being comfortable in your own company and it takes a little while

I absolutely love the silence now - always had the TV blaring before but now it's hardly on

I love not having to do anything I don't want or feeling obliged just because of expectation

But then I was with someone whose mood affected the whole house which isn't fun to live with


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Make the home YOURS. Rearrange stuff, get rid of things that you never really cared for. Even if it leaves an empty spot.... start weeding things out, it gives you ideas and helps you to think more independently. Do something to the space that you've always wanted to do. (I painted a giant beach mural on my bedroom wall. Ex came in and asked why I did that...."because you don't live here" is what I told him. 

If you have an indoor hobby, crafting, painting, whatever... put it front and center in your space. So every day you see something that is just about you, something that you love to see. 

Find things that make you smile, weed out things that make you sad. Box up things that you find depressing. You might want them later....but if they are bringing you down right now, put them away. 

Bring in friends, make it a happy place where people like to gather. Make new happy memories. 

Make a list about all the good things about having the place to yourself.... no more whiskers in the sink, more closet space, can sleep sideways across the bed, can watch a Lifetime marathon, etc.... whatever works. 

Focus on the positives. It takes time.... the dreaded T word.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

It took me me time as well but every paycheck I focused a little on it. Now we're selling the house and I'm glad she's gone as I have less to move! 

Either way, mine took everything from the walls. Didn't leave me a single photo. I'm kind of thankful now because I see what kind of person she really is. So my advice, is to rebuild. One item or more a week. Make it a project and the focus will build momentum and momentum is great at one thing: PASSING TIME!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If you can, why not redecorate, make it what you want it to be. Look at the positives less dishes, less mess, you can walk around naked. It's easier to clean. Don't become a hermit go out an socialize and maybe throw a little party just because you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Or sell the place move to a safer neighborhood one with gated security (maybe?)


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Mine too just about all the decorations, including the curtain rods and the picture hooks. I redecorated somewhat, bought some stuff off craigslist...made it feel like mine and took away the empty house look. 

I always keep a tv or radio on, that helps with the quietness some. I also use light timers...that helps alot, when i wake up the house has lights on...and they go on before it gets dark etc. Seems like somone else is there turning the lights on etc.

I have alot of anger and hurt too...and was left with lots of debt, as she walked away debt free.


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## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

When my ex left, she only thought to take her clothes and a few personal items. I've refused to allow her back into the house as its no longer hers. I have my kids about 75% of the time, but when they are not home, I stay busy by doing projects around the house. Personally for me the alone time is nice sometime, relaxing.

She caused so much stress and anger in the house, I've never been happier than to see her leave. Dating someone has helped also I believe.

I thought it would take a long time to get over the big quiet house, but I recall all of the negative vibes she had around her and wouldn't want it any other way.

Good luck to you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

All good solutions. 

Try to focus on the peace. Peace, not lonliness.
Turn on music when you are home.
Pick up a hobby you can work on OR work on changing the house. Not just painting. Add moldings, change colors, pull up carpet and put down wood flooring. 
Move into a different bedroom if that helps. How many bedrooms? Can you knock out or move a wall to REALLY make it different? 

Talk to your daughter about re-doing her room. Turn a spare room into a hobby room or a music room or an office. Buy some plants for the house to fill empty space and add living things.

Put up shutters or repaint shutters/front door. Buy a welcome mat. Make it LOOK different when you come home.

Buy air fresheners - it will SMELL different when you come in. Odors are amazing triggers. 

Get a dog or a cat. Something alive that greets you. Even a bird.

If you notice the lonliness hits more at certain times, make plans for that time. Invite a friend over for a beer. Go to the gym. Volunteering at a homeless shelter always reminds you how good you still have it. Can you call your daughter as soon as you get home? That might feel good talking to her as you are unlocking the door and walking in.

What about getting a roommate who is younger? Is there a college nearby? You could post a room for rent. That way someone would be there a lot and you could mentor them. They could contribute income, mow the grass or something. It could be rewarding for you to take a young guy under your wing. Just set the ground rules.

Mostly, it's just time, though.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yeah, maybe a dog can help you feel safer along with loyal companionship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fourwheeler431 (Jun 21, 2013)

I am planning on painting everything upstairs and completely remodeling the downstairs,the way I always wanted. I figure all of that will keep me busy for awhile and keep my mind occupied.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> Mine too just about all the decorations, including the curtain rods and the picture hooks. I redecorated somewhat, bought some stuff off craigslist...made it feel like mine and took away the empty house look.
> 
> I always keep a tv or radio on, that helps with the quietness some. I also use light timers...that helps alot, when i wake up the house has lights on...and they go on before it gets dark etc. Seems like somone else is there turning the lights on etc.
> 
> I have alot of anger and hurt too...and was left with lots of debt, as she walked away debt free.


Thanks Garry , me to mate. The debts killing me , only just making through and every next mth is a only maybe.
l can't walk , everything's in my name , l'd lose everything and couldn't get new finance for 7yrs here if l walked out. And then there's the future with my daughter , but it's so hard staying.
Gonna be 3mths atleast to reno from here then more to sell , if it sells. Our debts are killing x and me , doesn't help. And short term like that there's nothing we can do to get it all lower . lf it wasn;t for my d l'd have packed the car and walked 8mths ago. fk it all.

We decided l'd stay because l work from home and need room and l can finish the house.
Thought l had a good deal , now l just wish l was the leaver , ****** !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks do much people , God l needed this. 3 wks ago l felt like l was done but some stuffs happened since and right now well, not good.
Yeah l just love it when the kids are here too and funny yeah , l'm often glad of the space when it's just me again too for a few days.
Yeah we wanna sell it so it's mostly getting done anyway right now by yours truly. That's not good though because it was our renovation , even my d was helping , damn hurts just me .

Youknow you guys saying they took everything , x left everything , even her wedding head piece , it's fkg freaky.
Most of it was an idea we had though so that the house is still exactly the same for my daughter . Does make it easier for her.
That even helped me to l think but then l find things like the head piece , photos of us all ,even some of her shoes. l still can't see what she did take cept the tv and her clothes . Her rental was fully furnished too so she needed no furniture at all.

We discuss reno's for the sale but my d's just been gorgeous with all that and we often check out this or talk about that idea-so proud of her, 12.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Yeah, maybe a dog can help you feel safer along with loyal companionship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Funny you should say that. Would you believe x finally picked the dog up today to take him back to his old home. l was gonna keep it , was my daughters but she didn't like him either,damn thing was mad. Great one day , it'd be running of away from you into the bushes the next , then maybe great again the next, or still mad. Stupid mut was stressing me out with his craziness .
Might get a newy !


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

fourwheeler431 said:


> I am planning on painting everything upstairs and completely remodeling the downstairs,the way I always wanted. I figure all of that will keep me busy for awhile and keep my mind occupied.



Just you there fourwheeler or ? Was it the family home . Great plans anyway , good luck with it all.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> All good solutions.
> 
> Try to focus on the peace. Peace, not lonliness.
> Turn on music when you are home.
> ...


Thanks Enjoli . Yeah have been trying to figure out a share thing. Trouble is my d and her friends are here a lot and l want it free for her / us , so it's been a tricky.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

What about a female - a nursing student perhaps? Someone studying a career that is very reliable and dependable (vs. party girl). Maybe even slightly unattractive/not your type so as to avoid any uncomfortableness?


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## fourwheeler431 (Jun 21, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Just you there fourwheeler or ? Was it the family home . Great plans anyway , good luck with it all.


Yes it will be just me here most every night. I will have the kids here with me every afternoon/evening. It was our family home and the only home the kids have ever lived in,otherwise I wouldn't even consider keeping it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think it's great that you all are thinking of keeping the 'family' home for your kids. But I don't think you have to do that forever. That's not something you owe them. Learning how to deal with change and be OK with it is a very important life lesson for them to learn, too. It's something you can do as a team, and work on dealing with it as something that you can live with and make your own, despite not wanting to be put in that position. That's life -- you can never be sure that things will always stay the same. 

Even though my ex came from a dysfunctional family, and he thought his parents _should have_ divorced, he never realized how stable of a life they did provide, in a way. He never did without anything, had freedom to do things with friends, but a home to come back to -- so when adulthood came, and he had to deal with financial uncertainty, and not getting everything he wanted, when he wanted, he had no skills. It's not the worst thing in the world for kids to deal with change and doing without once in a while. _It's all how you do it._ If your attitude is that it's horrible, and you focus on the lack and the loss, that's what they will absorb and retain. If you treat it as a challenge you can rise above, they will gain skills and confidence they will take with them into adulthood.

Nobody is saying that the transition to living alone doesn't suck a lot of the time. I felt it, too, and still do from time to time. But it's a perfect way to take a look at yourself and decide what you're made of. I know that, despite Ex saying that one of the reasons he wanted to split was so that he could be 'independent,' _he_ has rarely been alone, and took his EA to a PA/relationship/engagement very quickly. He doesn't have what it takes to really take care of himself. He can't yet make it on his own, because he didn't take that time to work on himself. I have transitioned to living on my own very well, because I was the one who did most of the day-to-day work of the house when we were together.

***********

As for practical suggestions, I reeeealllly like the idea of putting a hobby/craft out in the open, so you're reminded of it. I used to do that when I lived with Ex. Unfortunately, that meant I often had stuff on the dining room table, lol, so I now keep it in a room in the basement. Where it's forgotten, and I don't work on it. Out of sight, out of mind. I think I will bring up a few things, and keep them where I can see them and be reminded of what I like to do.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Dollystanford said:


> It's about being comfortable in your own company and it takes a little while
> 
> I absolutely love the silence now - always had the TV blaring before but now it's hardly on
> 
> ...


I agree. I like being in charge of the house and doing what I want when I want. I know that doesn't solve anything for the OP, but I suppose it's all about your attitude. Perhaps more comfort will come as time passes.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> What about a female - a nursing student perhaps? Someone studying a career that is very reliable and dependable (vs. party girl). Maybe even slightly unattractive/not your type so as to avoid any uncomfortableness?


Hey Enjoli , guess whar X was, a nurse :lol: 
Youknow , if l could dig someone up 4-5 days a wk. trouble is l often have 5or6 of d's friends here too, week ends , holidays , weeks on end sometimes . There's often normal school week days off too , just dunno how l could find someone to work into it.
Someone studying would be a good place to start though, don't know , l'll have to give it more thought.

We're in a high tourist area , could get plenty of over nighters , bit of a pain though .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Funny , l've always been able to spend a lot of time alone . The last few mths have been quite nice in ways as l get use to this again.My d sometimes her friends too would leave and it was getting like ahhhh, lookin forward to some time alone now.
Getting a bit much now though, getting a bit sick of it.
I'm finishing this place of so we can sell but in the meantime it has been great for both me and d. At least somethings still the same , they all love hanging out here and it gives us time to adjust, come up with a plan.
The plan time really paid off because l would've done totally different 6mths back but this new plans much better .
We put it on the market 1/2 finished , had lots of interest so we've taken it of again now , finish it off better for a better price.
My d and l were both pretty pleased at more time. We're really exited about where l'll be moving to but at the same time just for now, we're not in a hurry so.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Crazy though really , insane . It was a spat of partying , an EA and too much fun here , one of the biggest things in our split up yet here l am now totally alone in the place. How ironic !

The fun you can have in this place , that's one thing l keep thinking lately. Some new light hearted fun thing right now , we'd have a ball but it's all going to waste , me too damn it .


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I am thinking about letting my outdoor dogs in the house...i dunno.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah l was thinking about that to. We had 1 dog here ,l almost let him in but actually just gave him back the other day. People that gave him to us were happy to have him back and really , l hated this little [email protected]@d so peed him off.
Kept thinking to myself , hu , reduced to a dog for company , that's bad


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Get a dog or hamster. They are enthusiastic and always glad to see you


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I got this said:


> Get a dog or hamster. They are enthusiastic and always glad to see you



A good lookin female :smthumbup:


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

WH,

Oddly enough, I find myself missing the dog more than "That Woman" as I like to call her. Made me feel like I was healing.

This does not work for everyone but first I made love to my girlfriend (we met after I told my wife she should see other people if I cannot make her happy) in our bed which was so very theraputic on several levels.

Next, I realized that I could rent my house cash flow positive and move in with some family for a while. Working out well for two reasons. My house is no longer a symbol of my pain it is a business which allows me to get my affairs in order. In the future I will either sell the house for profit or move back in with a positive attitude for the future.

Just a thought and a strategy that has worked for me.

Stretch


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Nice one Stretch.
Yeah my bed needs a new women if the old ones not sticking round , l could imagine that'd fix that .
Nice idea renting it out to not to mention the extra cash. Mine would break even if l was lucky unless l refinanced , then it'd to quite well. Miss the dog hey , classic.

Yeah l just moved back into the lounge a fw wks ago . Or you could say I just didn't go back after someone stayed over . l like the lounge , no problems there . Bit embarrassing though when someone comes round or l leave the blind up when it's sunny and someones at the door , which can look in. :rofl:

Gonna sell the place when it's finished , few mths.
Gonna be so strange looking at something else without X by my side though.18yrs we moved a lot and looked at a lot of houses over those years . 
Was even thinking about our old one we use to rent over there , that's be weird. Nice place though, he wants too much for it though so it'll be something completely new.

Strange though how it's usually the girls that stay in the house yet you don't hear of many here complaining about this stuff.


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