# 2nd marriage with older kids



## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

I recently got engaged to a wonderful, loving man after dating for a year. Both of us are divorced with grown kids. My two sons are 28 and 30. The oldest is married with a baby. His 2 are a high school senior (boy) and college junior (girl). We waited a few months to tell the kids about our new relationship, as we weren't sure how things would go and we didn't want to introduce someone who may or may not stick around. My younger son was fine with it and expressed his desire to see me happy. My oldest son had a very hard time accepting a new man in my life. It took several months of counseling and many months of patience and understanding a different way to communicate with him to gain acceptance. Over time they all met my fiance and we had a few get-togethers. Fast forward to one year and all is great with my kids and fiance. They both really like him and are happy that I've met a man to spend the rest of my life with. 

When I was first introduced to my fiance's kids, his son was eager to meet me and accepted me right away. His daughter had a tougher time seeing her dad with someone other than her mother. She was friendly and polite though. I completely understand that and had a conversation with her telling her I'm not looking to replace her mom in any way. Since she's in college out of state, I haven't spent much time with her. Almost a year into the relationship, my fiance told them both together that he was very serious about me and planned to propose in the near future. They both told him it was too soon and they weren't ready. He expressed that he had found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and would be pursuing that. He is a very loving and kind father and he reassured them that they would not be replaced or abandoned. However, their conversation didn’t end as well as he had hoped.

Since that conversation took place almost 3 months ago, I have not been asked to join him when he sees them the way I usually would have been. I have noticed a difference in that he no longer plans things with me included. I casually asked about that one day and was told about the conversation he had and the response they gave him about it being too soon and not ready to accept that he was serious about me. He continues to tell me that because I am a parent, I need to understand what they are going through. I get that. My own kids went through an adjustment too and I, being the parent, understood that it would take time to adjust to a different family dynamic.

Several weeks later we became engaged and I told my sons pretty quickly. They are happy for us and expressed that. He has not told his kids though and says he hasn't had a chance to get them both together. True, as they are busy at this age. 

I am concerned because for the last year or so, my fiance’s daughter rarely calls or texts to say hello. She will when she needs financial help, but other than that she barely replies to his texts and his feelings are hurt because when she does she just cuts to the point and no niceties. He has talked to her about this a few times and she say's it's not intentional. Lately, she has been involved in behavior that is not like her and lying when confronted. Her disrespectful and unapologetic attitude is unfamiliar to her dad and he has a hard time with it. Originally, he encouraged she and I spending some time together and I tried, but she was busy. He asked me to reach out to her one more time and she completely blew me off. Again, he say’s because I’m older and a parent, I need to take the high road. I haven't had a daughter before, so I'm not sure what to think. I'm starting counseling to help me understand what everybody is going through. 

I’d like to hear from others who may have similar situations and can provide some insight into what my future with this man and his two kids could look like.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well she is an adult now and has her own life in college so in a way he needs to accept that she is growing away from him. Its also not vital that all adult children are 100% behind the relationship before you get engaged or married. Getting engaged after a year isn't that quick and sometimes we do need to make some decisions that are for us once the children are older. After all they have their own lives to live and are being independent, and you have your future to think of. 

I met my now husband of 13 years when our children were aged 17-26. He has two and I have three. My son was great, he liked him immediately. My daughters didn't want another man/father figure around as they had been badly hurt by their dad. It took quite a while before they grew to like him and realise what a good man he is and now they really love and respect him. I have never been that close to his boys, mainly because they were still with their mum then (and one still is age 31), and she is/was very much a controlling influence in their lives which makes it hard. My husband sees them from time to time, but they are now in their 30's and there is no need for constant contact. 

As you are engaged so presumably planning for a wedding soon, they will need to be told. Keeping them from being told seems pointless. If they want to see him and not you for now, then don't let that be an issue but they do need to realise that they have their own lives, will be moving out and independent soon(one is now) and their dad is allowed his own life as well. 

I rarely see my husband's boys, they are not easy to get along with and can be pretty rude and selfish generally so I tend to avoid that fiasco if I can. 

How long has it been since his divorce and why did the marriage end?


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

His marriage ended just shy of two years ago. His ex suddenly decided she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Huge shock to all!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Common for kids to wish for parents to reconnect for years even--especially if their mom has no new relationship and divorce was a shock.

Glad you are handling this with grace; counseling is good idea. Could there be more to all this than you realize?

Your future may be bumpy for a while and 'daddy's girl' likely has some power. Hope communication between you and fiance doesn't suffer.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Not at all surprising that a 20-year-old is still self-centered. Kids are often still emotionally immature around that age. Expect bumpy times until she's 25+. In addition, college can be stressful. She may think of her Dad as her stability away from college. Now with you in the picture, she may be worried about losing that. 

The best advice I can give is to be gracious and don't force things. If you try to bring her around now, you'll likely create permanent cracks in your relationship with her. Better to just give her time to mature and come around on her own.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

fiance said:


> His marriage ended just shy of two years ago. His ex suddenly decided she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Huge shock to all!


How long had he been divorced before you met him?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

The only advise I can give here is a bit obvious but, let him deal with his kids you deal with yours. If his daughter goes full revolt it is doubtful he will chose you over his daughter in the end. So tread lightly and be nice but don't try to push her to act as if everything is normal, for her it's not.


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

His ex had someone even before he moved out. She encourages the kids to spend time with her and her new man is what I heard. I don't know how that's been going. At times, I've wondered myself if there is more to this.


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> How long had he been divorced before you met him?


It wasn't yet final. It became final 5 months after we met.


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Common for kids to wish for parents to reconnect for years even--especially if their mom has no new relationship and divorce was a shock.
> 
> Glad you are handling this with grace; counseling is good idea. Could there be more to all this than you realize?
> 
> Your future may be bumpy for a while and 'daddy's girl' likely has some power. Hope communication between you and fiance doesn't suffer.


His ex had someone even before he moved out. She encourages the kids to spend time with her and her new man is what I heard. I don't know how that's been going. At times, I've wondered myself if there is more to this.


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

wilson said:


> Not at all surprising that a 20-year-old is still self-centered. Kids are often still emotionally immature around that age. Expect bumpy times until she's 25+. In addition, college can be stressful. She may think of her Dad as her stability away from college. Now with you in the picture, she may be worried about losing that.
> 
> The best advice I can give is to be gracious and don't force things. If you try to bring her around now, you'll likely create permanent cracks in your relationship with her. Better to just give her time to mature and come around on her own.


Yes, I definitely agree on not forcing things. That's the last thing I would want to do. I don't pursue any getting together between the four of us at all. It's noticeably different now. 

I understand the lack of maturity at 21, but what I do expect at that age is manners. The one parent that has been the most supportive and loving with her and brother is the one being ignored and treated as though he doesn't matter, unless of course he can pay one of her bills. That bothers both of us. I'm a bit afraid this will continue for years to come and I'm expected to go along with it because her dad feels bad about the emotional pain she's been put through. I'm also wondering if this is a sign of things to come with her brother as well. My son's are much older, so the attitude was different.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

fiance said:


> Yes, I definitely agree on not forcing things. That's the last thing I would want to do. I don't pursue any getting together between the four of us at all. It's noticeably different now.
> 
> I understand the lack of maturity at 21, but what I do expect at that age is manners. The one parent that has been the most supportive and loving with her and brother is the one being ignored and treated as though he doesn't matter, unless of course he can pay one of her bills. That bothers both of us. I'm a bit afraid this will continue for years to come and I'm expected to go along with it because her dad feels bad about the emotional pain she's been put through. I'm also wondering if this is a sign of things to come with her brother as well. My son's are much older, so the attitude was different.


You probably don't have the full story from him about the marriage. Truly I feel you in fact are trying to force things. She has given you clear signs on what she needs; actually doesn't need; from you so you probably want to back off and stay our of their relationship and giving an opinion on her "manners." Rise above it considering her age and stop taking it personally. It isn't really your business.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The thing I do not understand is why neither of you met the other's children until after you were engaged. I understand not wanting to introduce someone to your children but that is something that you would do when they are young, not when they are adults. Personally, I would use my kids to "vet" someone before I would even think about potential marriage. If my kids got a bad vibe I would probably bail. I imagine the shock to his kids came from the fact that the deal was already done and they were just given a fait accompli to accept out of hand without discussion or input of any kind.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some children adjust to a step-parent and some never do. Children (whatever their age) are a major reason for the failure of subsequent marriages. 

This has been a very quick engagement. Maybe it should be a long one.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is all still very fresh and moving fast for these kids, young adults, on both sides. I would say just slow it down a bit and plan some family get togethers. Don’t get married until this gets resolved. In the grand scheme of things 2years is nothing. No need to rush marriage.


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

Ynot said:


> The thing I do not understand is why neither of you met the other's children until after you were engaged. I understand not wanting to introduce someone to your children but that is something that you would do when they are young, not when they are adults. Personally, I would use my kids to "vet" someone before I would even think about potential marriage. If my kids got a bad vibe I would probably bail. I imagine the shock to his kids came from the fact that the deal was already done and they were just given a fait accompli to accept out of hand without discussion or input of any kind.


I understand what you're saying and I'd agree 100% if we had met each others kids after the engagement, as you are thinking. However, that's not the case. We met each others kids within a few months of starting to date, as I mentioned in my original post. We'd been together a year before getting engaged.


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Some children adjust to a step-parent and some never do. Children (whatever their age) are a major reason for the failure of subsequent marriages.
> 
> This has been a very quick engagement. Maybe it should be a long one.




I have read that before. My going to counseling is to understand the feelings and thoughts of the kids, as well as to learn how to handle these situations in a positive manner so that I can increase my chances of not having a failed marriage the second time around. 

Also, my original post is not about how long my engagement is, whether it be "quick" or what. At our ages, 50 +, I don't thing a year of knowing each other, dating, and now living together is considered quick. I'm simply trying to connect with people who've had difficulties with older kids and remarriage.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

fiance said:


> I have read that before. My going to counseling is to understand the feelings and thoughts of the kids, as well as to learn how to handle these situations in a positive manner so that I can increase my chances of not having a failed marriage the second time around.
> 
> Also, my original post is not about how long my engagement is, whether it be "quick" or what. At our ages, 50 +, I don't thing a year of knowing each other, dating, and now living together is considered quick. I'm simply trying to connect with people who've had difficulties with older kids and remarriage.


First off. I am sorry for what you are going through. Finding someone you care for and meeting resistance? Ugh!

Second. It's OK to feel hurt or even offended. However, pun intended, you are the wise sage. They are the rookie. They will learn that this is actually a potentially great thing for their parent. Just BE the great person their Father sees in you and it will work itself out. 

I can only imagine the gas lighting that has gone on in that household. "Suddenly not happy" right around the time their children graduates. While possible sounds like a lie if not from him but from her as it is possible, but not overall probable. 

One reason he may see you as so amazing is the amount of emotional neglect he probably went through for years has him seeing some major rose colored glasses. For that matter, why not? You yourself probably are enjoying the bliss of mutual affection that makes it all seem so easy. 


My advice? Encouragement for you and the choice you are making. If you haven't already, drag yourselves into a marriage counselors office. Then take a finances course together. Look objectively at your long term goals and if they are all in line. Once all this is sorted out, then get married.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This man isn't ready to be engaged. He is essentially hiding your engagement so as not to upset his kids. How long does he expect you to suck up to his kids? 

This does not portend well for a marriage. When a parent allows a child or children to run the parent's life, it won't end well. You might want to reconsider the engagement until he establishes some 'rules of engagement' with his children. For example: he informs his children that he is getting married and he doesn't require their approval.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

fiance said:


> It wasn't yet final. It became final 5 months after we met.


OK so maybe why the children are not happy. Their dad had another lady while still married.


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> OK so maybe why the children are not happy. Their dad had another lady while still married.


He had moved out of the house and waiting for the divorce to become final long before we met. It just so happened to take much longer to finalize due to mitigating circumstances. His ex had someone even before he moved out, so really she is the one who the kids should be upset with.


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## fiance (Aug 18, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> This man isn't ready to be engaged. He is essentially hiding your engagement so as not to upset his kids. How long does he expect you to suck up to his kids?
> 
> This does not portend well for a marriage. When a parent allows a child or children to run the parent's life, it won't end well. You might want to reconsider the engagement until he establishes some 'rules of engagement' with his children. For example: he informs his children that he is getting married and he doesn't require their approval.


I'm seeing red flags for sure and I appreciate you pointing them out. I'm starting counseling this week to figure all of this out and do what's best for us as a couple, family and ultimately ME.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Well I went through a very similar situation. My husband has two boys. I have two girls. Grown. It was my oldest daughter that barely liked my husband and she was pretty cold to him when we first began. I won't get into to many details since this post is about you not me. Here is what I learned about grown kids.

1. They have a right to their feelings but anyone over 18 really shouldn't have a right to dictate your relationships. Yes you can try and help them to understand where you are but in the end they have no say (unless you are being abused). Time will help things along. 

2. Give them their space. Don't force the "family stuff" on them too fast. Just you and your fiance do things but you may have to exclude the family stuff for a while. Me and my husband did as much together, rather than together with our kids for a while.

3. As the "other parent" just be cordial and don't force a relationship. Let them come to you. Remember, at this stage in life you are not considered a step-parent, you are just Dad's Fiance. So it's different than raising someone elses kids. So again, let them come to you.

This is something you and your fiance have to agree on. He can't feel guilty because his daughter is not so accepting. He can't distance you either. Where his focus needs to be is on keeping the relationship with his daughter as a father and that's it. Don't try and make a family unit right now. When you guys get married and share a house it is yalls house and all kids must respect you and him. How much time they spend with you guys will be up to them.

Enjoy your empty nester years without the guilt. The hardest part of parenting is when kids grow up to be adults. It's time to treat them like adults.

FYI -- my daughter who didn't take to my husband got pregnant, married and they are living with us in our house for about 3 months. Her and my husband are almost best of buddies now  So there is hope. How did it happen. My husband just kept showing her love. Didn't force anything, kinda put up with her cold shoulder because he understood. Eventually she got over it and now the very one she turned her nose up at is the one who has been a blessing to her husband as he learns about marriage and manhood. Life has a way!!!

Good luck.


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