# Wife Cheated and got Pregnant while I'm deployed



## brokenmilguyAZ

Hello all, well I would like to give you some background. Im a Military Member thats been active duty for 13 years and married for 3.5 years. I am currently deployed and have been overseas since mid July 2011. My wife moved back to her hometown for help with our daughter who is 1 around the beginning of August. Well within 30 days of her being home she was cheating with her ex bf and well got pregnant as well. she did have the balls to tell me but now i have 4 months left over here to deal with this ****. I caught them making out and fondling back in October and forgave her since she said she didnt mean for it to happen. now the question is what the hell do I do. Divorce her since i cannot raise a child that isnt mine. Also dont even bring up could it be mine. there isnt a hint of a possibility and she also admits its his. He bailed on her and left the state and now shes there stressed beyond belief waiting for me to figure out what to do. I love her so much and want to be a family but ive read post after post where it never worked out after the spouse cheated. abortion isnt an option for her adoption might however if im gonna leave anyways she should just keep the child. I want custody of my daughter becasue of her infidelity and my wife doesnt have a job and hasnt since beginning of 2010. so i am the sole source of income. but since im active duty the courts have a hard time giving full custody to active duty members. so becasue of her mistake im stuck to live life unhappy without my daughter and raising her daily and being there for her or stay with her and there be no trust and posiblly seperate and her get half my retirement in the end anyways. I need some support on what I should do. Just when i think i have my mind made up i change it. she and my daughter would be living on welfare and struggling and i cant bare to think my daughter would grow up like that. The relationship was pretty decent of course our ups and downs. but up till i left it was damn near perfect. finally worked through our communication issue. and now shes says shes really sorry but wants to be a family for our daughter. what on earth do i do?


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## newlife94

Wow, I am so sorry to hear your story. I am on the opposite end...my H is deployed and cheated downrange. We have children and it bothers me beyond belief. Thankfully they are older and I do work, so I have income. Please don't think that you have to stay with her just to be a family- it does not make it easier on your daughter. I have been thinking....do I really want to stay with him (he asked for R back in May) and always wonder if he is going to do it again. I don't want to spend any amount of time feeling so insecure in my relationship that it takes a toll on my mental state (which it is right now). I wanted to R, but really have changed my mind recently. He just does not realize the impact of what he has done. If she had not gotten pregnant, would she have admitted the A? Is she sorry because he left town or because she loves you? If she kissed him before and got caught, but did it again....well. I feel the same way about my H, he won't stop contact with OW- says she is a "friend" and was his only "friend" for over 3 months. WTH? 
I am worth more than he has to offer, even he admits that I am a better woman than he is a man--because I was willing to R. Well, he is still deployed and I have had much time to think. Spend your 4 months to work on you and how you feel--concentrate on your daughter and come up with your plan. Child support and she can get a job. Your daughter will still have military benefits so you should not worry about her being taken care of, there are plenty of resources. 
Good luck and hang in there. Thank you for your service!!! At least there are honest, respectable Soldiers downrange and not all are cheating on their wives.
I am a better person for this....and much stronger than I ever thought.


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## newlife94

Also, custody is a possibility for you....with a family care plan, you could easily get custody. It depends on what your deployments look like in the near future and how much family support you have. Good luck.


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## Hijo

Newlife: If he is refusing NC, then I don't believe the affair is done with. Sorry.

Broken: Thank you for serving. I am so sorry for your circumstances, like you need one more thing to worry about besides getting injured right?

Does she have family to support her and her new baby?

Baby adoptions are much easier than older kids. She may resent you for making her give it up though, so would be tough on any reconciliation.

With you being away for another 4 months though, if it were me, I would D her ass and sue for custody (you don't get anything unless you try!). That of course is me. I'm not you.

Have you spoken with a chaplain/counselor?


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## newlife94

Hijo said:


> Newlife: If he is refusing NC, then I don't believe the affair is done with. Sorry.


I agree, which is why I am NOT in for R. He and I have tried to talk, he gets mad and defensive....I am already checked out. I have been using this time to get myself taken care of. With him deployed it is easy to distance myself and now that I am over the initial emotional response I am able to completely focus. I have a family to take care of, he made his choice, I am making mine. He is not 100% on board and I am 100% convinced I want more than this. I have decided that ultimatums just get me more heartache and I don't want or deserve the drama. There are way too many people who know what he was doing and it is embarrassing. 
Sadly for him, he is losing 1/2 his retirement....again, he made that choice not me.


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## brokenmilguyAZ

My deployments are pretty heavy and i have no real support system. I mean my parents would take care of my daughter in a heartbeat however where she is now she has her family there. the military has distanced me from my family and i have given up so much to be with her. my daughter is my #1 nothing more. I feel bad leaving and potentially leaving my daughter as well and only getting visitation rights. keep in mind I currently stationed in AZ and she would have my daughter 1000 miles away. breaks my heart knowing i wont be there with her (daughter). the OM was her ex from Highschool. we also have a 7 year age gap. me being the oldest obviously since this was childish. Im willing to start over. let the house forclose thats in her name since i pay on it. let her car get repoed since her name is on it. and start my life over. im a strong willed man. i spoke with a chaplin on a few ocasions and i get the same response. god will show me the way. well damnit lets get on with it. im so frustrated because i want to be nice to her but a part of me wants to emotionally drain her. but she is pregnant with a guy that will never take care of his kid. its easy to be a father of a child but another thing to really be a DAD and thats what i want to be to her.


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## Eli-Zor

Firstly thanks for your service and sorry you are here due to what is happening at home.

There are a few items I will cover from experience and feedback from OM's (other man - the one having an affair with your wife) , waywards ( your wife) and the betrayed spouse (you). Some of it may be tough reading for you.

you mentioned 



> I caught them making out and fondling back in October and forgave her since she said she didnt mean for it to happen.


This is a lie on her part , she did mean it to happen. Ex's are bad news and she knows this. He slept with her because she was willing, it is unlikely he wanted to make her pregnant. 

She fell pregnant, what about contraception? mistakes happen , your wife knew the risk and went ahead and had sex with him. 

Does the OM know your wife is pregnant?
If he does who told him?
If she told him , she did so because she expects him to carry her off so she can live in happy ever after land.
If she has not , then no one must tell him until you have decided what happens next. 

Is the OM married or engaged?

Is she in any way in contact with him, directly or indirectly?

These are some of the options:

1. Abort the child
2. Give the child up for adoption
3. Stay married and bring up the child as yours
4. Stay married to your wife doing either item 1. & 2. 
5. Divorce your wife


There are cases where the BS can accept the child as his and the marriage recovers however from the dozen or so I know of it is very rare it is successful, it only works if the wayward does her everything to work on the marriage and love for her husband. 

From the cases I have seen where the OM is involved there has been an even lower rate of success in saving the marriage. 

Despite many views you may receive from posters, friends or family , the OM has no say while the baby is in her womb. He does have a say once the child is born and if he chose to do a paternity test , experience says those that do this will interfere with the marriage. 

I suggest you start with putting the options in writing for yourself to decide. 

Do the same with your wife. Do not guide her on the answers, she must state in writing to you what she wants. 

You must assume she has a plan to run away and play happy families with the OM, you are the fallback guy so she is trying to understand what your next steps are, this is part of the wayward script so please do not be fooled and don't let her play with your emotions.

I read 


> abortion isnt an option for her adoption might


I am pro-life however why is abortion not an option, she has no moral compass already so why would she have one when it comes to abortion. Sadly from the cases I know of , this choice is the most effective way of saving the marriage.

The adoption route tends to have many issues around it, I would recommend taking it out as an option. 

If you are to consider remaining married there are only two options , either she aborts the child or you accept the child as yours. If you choose the last one, regardless what anyone says , the OM is never to be involved in your life, is never to be in contact with your wife , and has no contact with the child ever. Often OM's use the contact with the child to restart the affair. 


You are in limbo, and this could drag on for a long time. If you think there is a remote chance of you accepting the child as yours and remaining married then start by accepting the baby as a future member of your family. 

If marriage is still on, have her sign a post nuptial agreement. She gives away all her rights to your pension and current and future assets. It is the message of her signing it that counts not the monetary value. 


Expose the affair, you must tell her parents and yours. This is to protect you from her blaming you.


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## brokenmilguyAZ

Eli i really appreciate the info. well about the OM. she told him when she found out she was pregnant and had several pregnancy tests and a docs visit. she told me the same day she told him "supposedly". he told her to get an abortion and he also doesnt have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of. he left town and "supposedly" she hasnt heard a word from him. she went to his home to tell him that he has runined her marriage and her family. among other things for all i know but he wasnt there. Military members shouldnt have to go through this **** and the story holds true. if the military wanted you to have a wife they would have issued her to you. guess JODY got another one. thanks for the help


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## newlife94

I know what you mean....I am willing to start over as well. I make a damn good army wife, dedicated and willing to do what it takes, but I am not willing to sell my soul for this A. He made his choice, I am not scared of what the future holds for me- I am the one that was faithful and here sending care packages, letters of encouragement and worrying. All the while, he was lying about his work hours and it is disgusting to think he was using time he could have dedicated to his family. When he comes home and the unit marches in, the Soldiers are all greeted by their families and he is standing there alone- it is sad, but he earned that feeling. It pains me to think that any Soldier would not be greeted upon arriving home, but there are those that don't deserve it.
Your service will not be held against you in court for custody, I work family issues for the Army as a civilian and there are many resources for you if you do want custody. Your wife will have to take care of herself and decide what to do with the unborn child, she made the choice for the A.
Sad as it is, you should be able to focus on your mission and not worry about this mess. I am truly sorry you have to go through this.


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## newlife94

brokenmilguyAZ said:


> Eli i really appreciate the info. well about the OM. she told him when she found out she was pregnant and had several pregnancy tests and a docs visit. she told me the same day she told him "supposedly". he told her to get an abortion and he also doesnt have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of. he left town and "supposedly" she hasnt heard a word from him. she went to his home to tell him that he has runined her marriage and her family. among other things for all i know but he wasnt there. Military members shouldnt have to go through this **** and the story holds true. if the military wanted you to have a wife they would have issued her to you. guess JODY got another one. thanks for the help


There are AWESOME military wives out here! Those of us that are dedicated and willing to sacrifice ....don't lose hope. She was not the one, but that doesn't mean that there is not one out there. Hang in there. Have you heard about the free counseling services from militaryonesource.com? It is an alternative from the chaplain just in case you would like another perspective. 
Tricare also has online chats with services and you can access it from downrange on the website.


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## Eli-Zor

> she told me the same day she told him "supposedly".


Maybe, though I doubt it, I suspect she told him first then considered what to do next as his answer was not what she wanted to hear. She came back to you, the fallback guy.




> he told her to get an abortion


Yip , they normally do, if she remains with you and has the baby , there is a very good chance he will be back using the baby as an excuse. 



> "supposedly" she hasnt heard a word from him.


I doubt it, she is likely to still be in contact with him, you cannot believe a word a wayward says. 



> she went to his home to tell him that he has runined her marriage and her family


She chose to sleep with him , she ruined the marriage. The fact she went to his house tells us she is still chasing him and hopes there is a future with him. This is normal for waywards it is called the fog, they fantasize about the OM as being all perfect. 

Unfortunately you have few choices in this, divorce is very painful often more than remaining married. Key to remaining married is what is your wife prepared to do in words and deeds.

What has she done to date. 

An example is her writing him a no contact letter, her writing a letter to all her family and yours acknowledging her adultery and commitment to you. Her taking proactive steps to protect your marriage and evidence every day of her life that you and you alone are the one she loves. This would be a lifelong task for her.


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## brokenmilguyAZ

new thank you for the encouragement however. you talk of the homecoming. mine will share the same as your Husband. i will get off the plane to see noone. my daughter will not be there and nor will my then 7 month pregnant by another man. I couldnt stand to see her upon my return. so i to will serve my country honorably as i have for the past 13 years in the Air Force. this is my 6th deployment since ive joined and have never felt the warm greeting when i get home. since all my ex gf couldnt wait for me and left and now my wife did this to me. so i will be standing alone as well since i cannot forgive her nor do i want to see her under these circumstances. but thank you for your kind words means alot that there are people behind me.


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## DanF

If you decide to stay with her, I doubt this will be the only time that she sees another while you're gone. I am retired military and have seen this all too often.
My advice: Divorce her, seek full custody in court and make arrangements for child care until you retire or decide to get out of the AF.


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## Initfortheduration

Patience is required my friend. I believe a mixture of a couple of posts maybe an option. Give her the post nup right away. No pension no custody. You are going to be on active duty for another 7 years at least. If you don't have sex with her, she will have sex with someone else. Then bingo custody and pension protected. As I said it will require patience.


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## useable

this lady deserves nothing than divorce. instead of selling her ass to the son of a ***** OM, she already preg. with his baby.

fight for full custody for your daughter and never consider any reconciliation. her A is a humliation for you


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I would hold off and wait until the baby is delivered. A pregnancy is no guarantee of a child. I would also seek counseling and be open minded about it, there is a possibility that your past experiences with your past deployments affected this outcome. My H got dumped by me while deployed not that I cheated but that he was doing things that led to this and they seemed TRIVIAL to him but they were not. It was sort of his way of having a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are disturbed or offended by me saying this maybe think why. Often when I read a post that affects me that way I have to force myself to read it and it is difficult because nobody wants to accept any sort of responsibility for being hurt, especially when it is a grave issue. (You can read my story, particularly about events in April while H was home on leave.) I have had friends tell me that I am setting a good example by honoring my marriage and commitment to my H even though he is not as strong as I am in physically or emotionally doing that. It's disappointing but by being married it is like having to accept and acknowledge and work with a part of you that you don't have full control over...it's despicable and yet it is there, so it has to be dealt with. There is no way you would be able to get a divorce before the child is born, and by law in a lot of places a child born into a marriage belongs to the marriage, it would cost a lot of $$$ to track down this guy, get paternity test, get him to accept the child or to relinquish rights to the child, especially if in a state where adultery is a crime, or if it would cause issues for him in his life...whereas the child, well, it is just a child. I am a good natured person, if my husband had ended up fathering a child from his various shortcomings (not sure what he did in past or will do in future) I think I would just laugh. You can't undo a baby. You can't undo the fact of your marriage or the fact of your past in terms of being cheated on before. It's horrible, and not what was expected (or was it?). This baby is always going to be the sibling of your daughter, you can't make an entire person just disappear. 

Definitely even though probably your W needs therapy and to be more responsible, there is nothing but gain for you to seek counseling for yourself, particularly anger of course it is justified but it does need to be channeled. 

Ghenghis Khan had kids and not all of them were his own. I'm not sure that it really affected his manhood, because he was completely secure in that. I'm sure there are other examples. 

Not saying it's right, but no sleight of hand can undo a biological process. I would claim the child as my own, as a gift. But that's me. You make a child your own by how you treat it and a bond other than biology. It's a spiritual, not a sexual process. Still, yes, difficult situation, but it can certainly be made more difficult. So it is good to seek guidance and keep your eyes on the long term.


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## Jellybeans

I would divorce. She is pregnant with another man's baby. My bet is the affair has been going on since before you even caught them together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

Her comment that the OM ruined her marriage and life is a laugh. Notice how she does not put any blame on herself for continuing to have unprotected sex with her ex boyfriend and getting pregnant behind your back. Talk about someone not taking any responsibility for her actions. It is everybody else's fault except hers. You should never want to be with this person ever. Thank you for your service to our country. You deserve a whole lot better than this.


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## Cypress

AZ,

I'm sorry your in this situation. And, thank you for your service. 

You'll feel better once you do something about this. Go online and find a lawyer in AZ. Find out your rights. You may need to file soon, so your not responsible for the OM's child. Get your STBXW served with D papers. 

You can also talk to your legal officer about this.

Cypress


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## aug

I think you should divorce her.

You do not want to get stuck with raising another man's child for the next 18 plus years. You would be responsible both legally and financially for someone else's child for 2 decades. And that would suck big time.

Also, the other man (OM) would always be part of the child's life, your wife's and yours. There would be no getting away from the OM for the rest of your life. How bad would that be? To be blunt: your wife gets to f**k him and you get to deal with the aftermath.

Any financial contribution to the OM's child would diminish what you can do for your own daughter.


If you do decide to divorce, fighting for major custody of your daughter will be difficult but doable. Get your parents to say that they will be there to help you with your daughter. Say that you and your family will provide child care no matter where you are stationed. Tell the court that you are performing a vital service for your country and should not be punished by diminished custody. And you wont be doing in the armed forces forever.

There are other options available to you and your daughter. There always is if you dont give up.


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## NotLikeYou

Broken- Whether you decide to try and reconcile with your wife or divorce her is entirely up to you. If you go for reconciliation, you have a hard road ahead of you.

If you elect to divorce her, please understand that if she has the baby and you are married to her, your name goes on the birth certificate, and you are on the hook for child support. 

So if you can't stand the idea of paying to raise some other man's child, you need to start the ball rolling sooner rather than later, and have a court-sanctioned DNA test in place before she gives birth.


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## Darth Vader

brokenmilguyAZ said:


> Eli i really appreciate the info. well about the OM. she told him when she found out she was pregnant and had several pregnancy tests and a docs visit. she told me the same day she told him "supposedly". he told her to get an abortion and he also doesnt have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of. he left town and "supposedly" she hasnt heard a word from him. *she went to his home to tell him that he has runined her marriage and her family. *among other things for all i know but he wasnt there. Military members shouldnt have to go through this **** and the story holds true. if the military wanted you to have a wife they would have issued her to you. guess JODY got another one. thanks for the help


I want you to reread that line bolded! He wasn't the only one who ruined her marriage! Your wife ruined her marriage! It takes two to tango! Another thing, tell your wife to get her Princess ASS out there and get a job! She needs to find stable income! Because you know you don't want to pay ailmony to her, also, DON'T SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! Make sure to get a paternity test done! Because once you sign the Birth Certificate, you're considered the Father! REMEMBER! *DON'T SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!* Does the military automatically sign the Birth Certificate for him?

Thank You for serving God and Country my MAN! Apparently your wife doesn't give a DAMN about what you have to face, let alone see over there! You didn't deserve this! You deserve better!


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## lordmayhem

brokenmilguyAZ said:


> new thank you for the encouragement however. you talk of the homecoming. mine will share the same as your Husband. i will get off the plane to see noone. my daughter will not be there and nor will my then 7 month pregnant by another man. I couldnt stand to see her upon my return. so i to will serve my country honorably as i have for the past 13 years in the Air Force. this is my 6th deployment since ive joined and have never felt the warm greeting when i get home. since all my ex gf couldnt wait for me and left and now my wife did this to me. so i will be standing alone as well since i cannot forgive her nor do i want to see her under these circumstances. but thank you for your kind words means alot that there are people behind me.


Keep your head up. I assume you're deployed somewhere in the AOR? Or some other contingency deployment? I just retired from the USAF myself in 2007 after 23 years of service and have been deployed many times, especially for OEF/OIF. So I know exactly how you feel. 

From your previous posts in your thread, I see that you have a house in her name, so that means you're not living in base housing, so no hassle about outprocessing base housing. And it looks like you're making use of your resources there by getting counseling from the deployed chaplain. Have you consulted your first shirt/commander yet? 

Sadly, I've seen this many times, where the wife of a deployed servicemember gets pregnant by another man, or has an affair and the servicemember gets the Dear John letter and comes home to an empty house. Its one of the risks we take when serving our country; we not only risk our lives, but our relationships and marriages as well. Its no different than getting an unaccompanied assignment for a remote tour. 

If you havent already, consult the first shirt/commander, they can advise you about dependent care responsiblities, etc. With your WW still being your dependent, unfortunately, she's still covered under Tricare and you may have some copayments to deal with if she gives birth in a civilian hospital.

As for your WW, she's a piece of work alright. From what it looks like, she's been in contact with her ex boyfriend for quite a while, hence the reason why she wanted to go home in the first place. She used your 1 year old daughter as an excuse so she could go to her hometown and be with her boyfriend. Unfortunately, when you caught her making out with her boyfriend, you should have immediately demanded she come back and not stay there and go NC with that scumbag. Instead, you quickly swept it under the rug by forgiving her so quickly. All they did then was wait for thing to settle down before resuming their affair. Now she's pregnant and she blames him? Talk about not accepting responsiblity for her actions. She was the was who ruined the marriage. 

You know of course that you cannot R with her, that OC would be a constant trigger to you about her cheating. Then, you could never deploy or go someplace ever again without this in the back of your mind. You would never be able to trust her again. 

You already know not to sign the birth certificate or enroll the child in DEERS. As for custody of the child, you have a chance, don't just assume that you wont get custody. You've signed your dependent care responsibilities form, so you do have a plan in place. I know you have one, its in your mobility folder. I know this because I was a Unit Deployment Manager. You will have to change your will when you get back too. 

Be proactive. Start looking up lawyers while you're deployed.


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## Zzyzx

I can't speak to military issues, no experience with that. But I can tell you that you must NOT sign the birth certificate, you must NOT accept paternity. You are willing to take a paternity test to prove you are not this baby's father. You must make your resistance known from the very beginning, that's the only way you stand a chance of not being made to accept responsibility for this baby. To make this work, you need to file for divorce before that baby is born. It's up to her to chase that guy for child support, it won't be your problem, especially if you have custody of your daughter. In other words, file as soon as you return. The other posters have advised that you can fight for custody of your daughter. Do it. Enlist your family's help.

I will say this though, your stbx (and I hope you begin to think of her that way) is your daughter's mother, you will not be able to sever that relationship so you'll always have some contact with her around your daughter.

I do not believe R is possible with a woman like this because you will never be able to go on another deployment wondering if she's going to step out on you again. If you take her back, you are letting her know she's off the hook for this one and will feel she can do it again because she's got you wrapped around her finger.

Finally, thank you very much for serving our country. I really appreciate you doing that and to me it just sucks horribly that you have to come home to this.


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## Atholk

You need to start immediate legal action or you will be the legal father of the child and on the hook for 18 years of child support payments.


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## Eli-Zor

I would normally push for a recovery but in this case if you do go the recovery route it is a hard road forward. Having an OM's child in your life is a challenge especially if the OM is hovering around.

While there are successes stories I suspect there are more marriage failures due to an OC. 

Look at your options, what do you want out of your life? then make a decision and keep to it.


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## Jellybeans

lordmayhem said:


> I just retired from the USAF myself in 2007 after 23 years of service and have been deployed many times, especially for OEF/OIF.


Oh good. You're back  Re: your post...I thought you were... young. LOL. OP...thank you for your service.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenmilguyAZ

well a bit of new news. She is playing the blame game and basicaly blaming me for breaking up our family. well i agreed since that is what she wanted to hear. I have fought for our family before and I would this time. however its to much. Me being deployed and she did this to me. its not worth trying. she will probably take me to the cleaners and take everything including my daughter. however selfish it may seem. i will allways be there for my 1 year old daughter. i need to take care of me and if im living in the back of my truck since she took everything and i have to start over then so be it. ive thought about what i might do when i return or say to him or her. but honestly who the F#$% cares what they do. if you have any new insight let me know. Soon to be single active military guy in AZ


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## Jellybeans

brokenmilguyAZ said:


> well a bit of new news. She is playing the blame game and basicaly blaming me for breaking up our family. well i agreed since that is what she wanted to hear.


You should not have agreed. You should not own her bad behavior. That is hers for the taking. Her blaming you is ridiculous. Had you cheated on her and knocked some broad up then she could flip the script but SHE is the one who is now prregnant with another man's baby--the same guy she cheated on you with prior to you leaving--the same guy you caught her red-handed with.

You already know this but -- you deserve better.

Get a lawyer upon your return and protect yourself and what is rightfully yours. Protect yourself re: custody and the laws. Don't roll over and be a doormat. I am sorry this happened to you, especially while you are deployed but it's better to find out now than later if she would have tried to pass the baby off as yours and lied about cheating on you. 

You can and will move on w/ your life just fine without her in it. Be a good dad to your daughter and move on with your head held high.


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## ZeroCool

As a prior milspouse (still married, just not AD anymore) this just breaks my heart. Saw this kind of thing too many times. Our one command had some Hall of Fame, epic level stuff. I was the Ombudsman at the time and when I would tell people what command, they would pat me on the shoulder and say "I'm sorry". A couple actually involved Congressmen and once, a Senator. No lie.

I agree with the previous posters about not giving up on the idea of custody. I know more than a few who did get custody even though they were on heavy deployment rotations. And get to legal so you know exactly what you are facing with respect to benefits, privileges, etc. Terminate any POAs. Change your DFAS MyPay account passwords. Especially if she is going down the path of blaming you. One of our neighbors returned to find himself in 20K of debt/bad checks, unpaid bills, and a threatened security clearance.

I also agree with talking to someone in your command so they know the score. 

Stay safe!


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## jnj express

She can't take you to the cleaners, as you haven't been married that long, so there can't be that much there---As to retirement, she only gets it for the time married up to the D---let house, and car go, and cut off all credit cards, do an immediate legal seperation, and end all financial responsibility to your cheating wife---just send her what is needed to care for your daughter

Your wife trying to blame her lover for ruining the mge., is BS---she is the one who wrecked the mge., and make sure she knows it, in no uncertain terms

Go for full custody, she is unfit---can't get a job, would be on welfare----cheats with other men---your daughter would be better off under your custody, with her grandparents


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## Dadof3

jnj express said:


> She can't take you to the cleaners, as you haven't been married that long, so there can't be that much there---As to retirement, she only gets it for the time married up to the D---let house, and car go, and cut off all credit cards, do an immediate legal seperation, and end all financial responsibility to your cheating wife---just send her what is needed to care for your daughter
> 
> Your wife trying to blame her lover for ruining the mge., is BS---she is the one who wrecked the mge., and make sure she knows it, in no uncertain terms
> 
> Go for full custody, she is unfit---can't get a job, would be on welfare----cheats with other men---your daughter would be better off under your custody, with her grandparents


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Sorry for your circumstances. Thank you for your service. I wonder out loud to all the users in this forum, if there are any out in Arizona that would give this soldier a warm welcome home when he comes home. I know I would, if I lived in Arizona!


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## bossesgirl26

I have no real advice. I just want to tell you how sorry I am to read your post. Itis just so selfish and horrible. Thank you hardly seems enough for your dedication, committment and sacrifices you have made and continue to make for our country. I wish you the best.


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## newlife94

bossesgirl26 said:


> I have no real advice. I just want to tell you how sorry I am to read your post. Itis just so selfish and horrible. Thank you hardly seems enough for your dedication, committment and sacrifices you have made and continue to make for our country. I wish you the best.


It is nice and refreshing to see that there are service members who are faithful. My H is still deployed and has not been....still denying what he did. Blames me for accusing him and it is disgusting.

Anyhow, thank you for your service AZ...when do you return and to where? I have family in AZ and a few friends who would be more than happy to give you the warm welcome you deserve.


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## newlife94

brokenmilguyAZ said:


> well a bit of new news. She is playing the blame game and basicaly blaming me for breaking up our family. well i agreed since that is what she wanted to hear. I have fought for our family before and I would this time. however its to much. Me being deployed and she did this to me. its not worth trying. she will probably take me to the cleaners and take everything including my daughter. however selfish it may seem. i will allways be there for my 1 year old daughter. i need to take care of me and if im living in the back of my truck since she took everything and i have to start over then so be it. ive thought about what i might do when i return or say to him or her. but honestly who the F#$% cares what they do. if you have any new insight let me know. Soon to be single active military guy in AZ


I went to a briefing at legal and they said this (obviously addressing the active duty soldiers)....if you can give your spouse something up front- furniture, car, whatever- and they will take the "immediate gratification" and agree to leave your retirement....DO IT. It is easier to buy new furniture and start fresh right now and have that security for yourself later. She will not want all of the details of her affair to go public so to speak, so if she will do an uncontested divorce and agree to somethings...NOT giving her custody though....I would say try it. 
I on the other hand plan to get my 50% of the retirement and full custody. He chose to have an A, there is no way I am leaving that 50% for him. I was a dedicated SAHM/W for all these years and he messed it up. I don't blame the military at all, he chose this. Now he will have to pay up...


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## RandomDude

This is a horror story, and why the heck did you agree with her? She messed up the family while you're trying to support it. Forgiving her in this will only encourage more of such self-centered behaviour. How can you still love her? 

Also, whether she deserves forgiveness or not is irrelevant, she can't be left to get away with this. That's just injustice. She also refuses to accept responsibility for her actions, that is a clear sign that she will NOT change. Leave her mate, you deserve better, and she needs to learn action and consequence.


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## newlife94

RandomDude said:


> This is a horror story, and why the heck did you agree with her? She messed up the family while you're trying to support it. Forgiving her in this will only encourage more of such self-centered behaviour. How can you still love her?
> 
> Also, whether she deserves forgiveness or not is irrelevant, she can't be left to get away with this. That's just injustice. She also refuses to accept responsibility for her actions, that is a clear sign that she will NOT change. Leave her mate, you deserve better, and she needs to learn action and consequence.


:iagree:

My H ....omg, he is something else. Makes me feel like I did something wrong- because I saw the FB messages (the tipoff that something was up!) So- let me get this right....I found the messages and questioned him. He is the one having the A and I am the one in the wrong????? WTH? He had the nerve to say that I am the one that betrayed him- by reading his messages!! Really?!?! What an a$$. He gives me the silent treatment, then calls 4 days later- leaves a message and I am supposed to email him right away (apparently). Of course I didn't...completely doing the 180. Then he writes again to tell me mad that I did not write him after he called. Well, well, well, guess who doesn't like the silent treatment??? Hmmm. Sorry, you f'd up.
Don't agree to take the blame, you did nothing wrong....get to legal and let her know you are not playing games!!


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## brokenmilguyAZ

Well here we are a few months down the road from the wife getting pregnant and I am only a few weeks from finally going home. She is still pregnant with OM and OM left and wants nothing to do with her "supposedly". Its Christmas here in the desert and I am prepared to confront her. She will not be picking me up at the airport so yet again an American Service member coming home to a F'ed up situation and noone to greet them upon return. Thank you for your praises and support the military. Its difficult but as said she deserves nothing but the big D. R isnt an option and certainly not spending a dime of my money on any MC. thanks for the support


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## lordmayhem

If you D, you need to do it quickly. In many states, even if you're not the biological father, the child is considered a child of the marriage and you will end up paying child support for a child that isn't yours. Check with your legal office upon your return.


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## EleGirl

brokenmilguyAZ said:


> well a bit of new news. She is playing the blame game and basicaly blaming me for breaking up our family. well i agreed since that is what she wanted to hear. I have fought for our family before and I would this time. however its to much. Me being deployed and she did this to me. its not worth trying. she will probably take me to the cleaners and take everything including my daughter. however selfish it may seem. i will allways be there for my 1 year old daughter. i need to take care of me and if im living in the back of my truck since she took everything and i have to start over then so be it. ive thought about what i might do when i return or say to him or her. but honestly who the F#$% cares what they do. if you have any new insight let me know. Soon to be single active military guy in AZ


How can she take you to the cleaners? You have ony been married for 3.5 years.

She will get child support if she gets primary custody of your child. The amount depends on the state formula.

She might get temporary spousal support until the divorce is final. But she will not get any spousal support after the divorce. You two have not been married long enough. She has no rights to any assets you had before you were married. As soon as the decision for divorce is made, that ends community property rights.

If she has any rights to your military retirement, she can only draw on half of 3.5 years worth. Not half of your entire career's worth of retirement. Make sure you get an attorney who is very experienced in military divorce.

Your biggest issue will be this baby she is carrying. By law in most states any child born during a marriage is assumed to be the product of that marriage. You will have to pay child support for this child UNLESS you have a very good attorney who is also experienced in this sort of paternity case. 

Even if there is a chance you eventually reconcile with her, file for divorce as soon as you can. Doing so will go futher in establishing you as not being the father of her new child. It will help you lay the groundwork for when you return to the USA. 

As you know, with her being in another state, 1000 miles away, this makes it very hard for you to get custody of your child. Most states now have no fault divorce. They will not care about the adultery nor about the child. 

One thing you might consider is to get her to move back to AZ. Then once she is there with your daughter, you can get a court order so that she is not allowed to leave the state with your daughter. Timing on this could be tricky.


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## lascarx

Friend, I feel for you. In my case, wifey didn't get knocked up but that was probably only a lucky coincidence. Definitely talk to an attorney and file asap. I find that getting ready for the divorce is giving me a lot of go-juice. Not depressed at all. 

Since she seems to be your basic leech, maybe you could pay her to get your daughter. Shouldn't matter to your wife even if she really does like kids as much as she likes randomly making them, because she'll have another one soon anyway. As much as paying would chafe to begin with, sooner or later it's just money and the floozy was just another bad used car you should've inspected closer.


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## chillymorn

thanks for your service!!!!!!


sorry to hear your situation. good luck.

hope things turn out for the best.


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## FourtyPlus

There are also cases where things worked out, where the marriage was saved. But....it takes two and it's not easy and it's not going to happen overnight. 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Thank you for your Service!


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## ShootMePlz!

Legally you won't have to pay child support for the OM's kid just for your own. I suggest given all this that you also get a DNA test done on your kid just to be sure. Your wife can't get your retirement because you haven't been married long enough, but she will use your medical to have the baby until the divorce is final.

Make sure that your pay has been moved to a different account and just give her want is required per the miltary. Check with JAG and the base Family Services. 

It sucks that she can take your child back to where her parents live and you will only see your kid during your 30 day leave time period each year. I am surprised that she actually went thru with the birth and didn't get an abortion. It will tough for her explaining this situation to any future husband to be or even a future mother in law.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I think you should go for divorce and put your daughter with your parents. Your W when she becomes your ex is free to move to wherever she likes, she can go to where her daughter is if she wants. She can file for child support for her other child, IF it comes to term, as there are all sorts of things that can happen between conception and delivery. You could even help her file for support for her other child and hold the ex-bf accountable. The main thing is to have the paternity documented and to make sure that if you don't want to be the child's father, then to get legal advice, since many places consider children born into a marriage, belonging to that marriage, of course the facts of your deployment are critical, but not without records both of military service and leave records, and her medical records. 

Be smart, not emotional. Getting a divorce doesn't mean the end. Your W has choices, but you should also make choices for your daughter. It doesn't sound like your W is a person who can make good choices right now. But it's no use making her life on earth miserable beyond what is necessary just giving her the options of becoming a good mother to both of her children. Which does not necessarily require marriage, or full custody.


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## Thor

Milguy, thank you for your service.

Just a ditto to the others giving the advice to talk to an atty pronto. It really does happen that the non-father ends up paying child support for the OM's kid! You need to know how to jump the legal hoops to make sure this baby is not your financial responsibility. There may be things to be done before the baby is born, so don't delay.


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## TDSC60

brokenmilguyAZ said:


> well a bit of new news. She is playing the blame game and basicaly blaming me for breaking up our family. well i agreed since that is what she wanted to hear. I have fought for our family before and I would this time. however its to much. Me being deployed and she did this to me. its not worth trying. she will probably take me to the cleaners and take everything including my daughter. however selfish it may seem. i will allways be there for my 1 year old daughter. i need to take care of me and if im living in the back of my truck since she took everything and i have to start over then so be it. ive thought about what i might do when i return or say to him or her. but honestly who the F#$% cares what they do. if you have any new insight let me know. Soon to be single active military guy in AZ



Only 3.5 years married. Don't think you will be taken to the cleaners. Get the best lawyer you can find now. As far as your retirement goes, she will get very little if any. Don't know why but 5 years is in the back of my mind (meaning 5 years of marriage before the spouse is entitled to any portion of military retirement). The Base legal office or OPM can verify this.

One poster said that a child born in the marriage is considered a product of the marriage. This is true in most states. BUT a DNA paternity test can prove you are not the father and courts recognize this ( you will have to wait until the child is born). You don't need the OMs DNA, only your's and the child's. 

Ask around get the best divorce lawyer you can find. Go for full custody if you can swing it.


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## Lazarus

EleGirl said:


> One thing you might consider is to get her to move back to AZ. Then once she is there with your daughter, you can get a court order so that she is not allowed to leave the state with your daughter. Timing on this could be tricky.


Agree more or less with this whole post, in particular the above. 

What's important here is the children; your daughter and her half brother, or sister. The issues re whether OMs kid is adopted or stays in family unit in whatever form. 

Your daughter is #1. Right? What would be best for her?

Live with mom - 1 year bonding so far
Live with you - how long you been around to bond?
Live with Grandma/pa - Can they cope full time?
Grow up not knowing or knowing a half brother, sister?

Whomever your daughter grows up with dictates whether she grows up with OMs child.

a) Leave your baby with mom and her lifestyle? Welfare and lots of other men introduced to your daughter pretending to be a new daddy?
b) You give up the Air Force and return home to what type of work? How you going to look after your daughter? Can you stay in Air Force and access care services and still bond with your daughter? Will your daughter suffer attachment issues if no mom or dad around 24/7? To some extent, every military child doesn't have one parent full time anyway. . 
c) Live with Grandparents post Divorce. Stability and love but are your parents willing and how would baby manage when it loses its mom after a year attachment/bonding? (b and c your daughter grows up without half brother or sister)

Visitation rights. a) above. In future, you are likely to see or hear via your daughter information about OMs child if he/she is not adopted. Therefore, you are likely to be exposed to half sibling anyway. All additional issues over and above trust that are stopping reconciliation - bringing up seeing OMs child - a daily reminder etc.

I guess you need to decide a clean break for you and your child or the mix. 

If it is the mix, over and above providing for your daughter to live with her mom, you could give some consideration to setting aside a small sum of money to make sure your daughter's sibling is provided for at some stage. This may sound alarming to you at the moment and rightly so (two people fvcked and you get landed with the fallout potentially 100% financially and emotionally) however, this idea could prove useful long term with your daughter's emotional wellbeing (and her half sibling) if they grow up together with their mom.

You need to take steps now to ensure OM pays for his daughter (not you) otherwise alimony meant 100% for your daughter ends up being diluted to help OM's child.

When your daughter grows up and learns about the terrible situation that faced her father, the fact that you made a small contingency for her half brother or sister could help with emotional relationships in future. 

You need a good lawyer to sort out this mess. You are vulnerable so you need to take someone with you to avoid the lawyers that lack good morals and ethics. You are here already because of a low moral mindset! You don't need unethical lawyer stress over and above your existing stress. Sort out your questions in advance and get responses documented in writing. 'What if' scenarios pertinent to your situation.

If you know that you have done everything right to protect the innocents: your baby daughter and her unborn brother, or sister and yourself then you are in a good place for future happiness. 

Those who don't live right by themselves, never really find true happiness. 

Your wife and OM should be the losers, not YOU or the kids.


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## Badblood

brokenmilguyAZ said:


> Well here we are a few months down the road from the wife getting pregnant and I am only a few weeks from finally going home. She is still pregnant with OM and OM left and wants nothing to do with her "supposedly". Its Christmas here in the desert and I am prepared to confront her. She will not be picking me up at the airport so yet again an American Service member coming home to a F'ed up situation and noone to greet them upon return. Thank you for your praises and support the military. Its difficult but as said she deserves nothing but the big D. R isnt an option and certainly not spending a dime of my money on any MC. thanks for the support


Dude, first things first. Get over yourself. This has happened to thousands , maybe millions, of military people since the dawn of time. Probably some Roman Legionnaires had the same problem. Second, there are JAG lawyers who SPECIALIZE in service- related divorces and counselors who SPECIALIZE in service-related marital issues. If you don't have a support network in place by this time, it's your own fault. The Longer you wait to divorce her the more money she will get. Right now she can get 1/2 of 3.5 years of retirement, but that will increase the longer you put the divorce off. You need to man-up and be a DAD. Go get your daughter, breing her home with you, find safe day- care, get her a doctor, cook her dinner, in short, be a parent. I'm a Vet, myself, and I know it will take some work, but you can do it, without your cheating wife. TAKE CHARGE, and stop being a victim.


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## EleGirl

Badblood said:


> Dude, first things first. Get over yourself. This has happened to thousands , maybe millions, of military people since the dawn of time. Probably some Roman Legionnaires had the same problem. Second, there are JAG lawyers who SPECIALIZE in service- related divorces and counselors who SPECIALIZE in service-related marital issues. If you don't have a support network in place by this time, it's your own fault. The Longer you wait to divorce her the more money she will get. Right now she can get 1/2 of 3.5 years of retirement, but that will increase the longer you put the divorce off. You need to man-up and be a DAD. Go get your daughter, breing her home with you, find safe day- care, get her a doctor, cook her dinner, in short, be a parent. I'm a Vet, myself, and I know it will take some work, but you can do it, without your cheating wife. TAKE CHARGE, and stop being a victim.


If he simply goes and gets his daughter and takes her out of the state his wife and daughter have been living in, his wife could go to court and get a court order to have the daughter returned to the state they have been living in. And then the court will look at him as a risk of fleeing with his child. He could then end up with nothing but suprvised visitation.. 1000 miles away from where he lives in AZ.


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## lordmayhem

EleGirl said:


> If he simply goes and gets his daughter and takes her out of the state his wife and daughter have been living in, his wife could go to court and get a court order to have the daughter returned to the state they have been living in. And then the court will look at him as a risk of fleeing with his child. He could then end up with nothing but suprvised visitation.. 1000 miles away from where he lives in AZ.


That's why he gets a temporary child custody order in AZ ASAP where he lives right now. Then he files for D. Judges will rarely overturn an existing custody order.

I get calls like this all the time at work. There are PLENTY of wives who flee the home with the kids just before the divorce date arrives. The father usually calls the cops who inform him that there's nothing they can do without a court order. Now, with the WIFE taking the kids out of state, do you think the HUSBAND can get the court returned to his state? I don't think so. 

There was a time when a man from Wyoming called up saying his wife and her friends where taking his kids to another state, that they were enroute to our city via bus. The divorce date was only a couple of days away. His local police told him they couldn't do anything without a court order and I advised him the same. Think he can get the court to order the wife to return the kids or else face limited visitation? Dream on. This happens all the time.


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## Badblood

EleGirl said:


> If he simply goes and gets his daughter and takes her out of the state his wife and daughter have been living in, his wife could go to court and get a court order to have the daughter returned to the state they have been living in. And then the court will look at him as a risk of fleeing with his child. He could then end up with nothing but suprvised visitation.. 1000 miles away from where he lives in AZ.


I understand that, Elegirl, but he should have already done this stuff, instead of coming here and whining about how tough he has it. There are PLENTY of low-cost and no-cost avenues of support for military spouses, on every post, base, or installation. That's why I want to know what he has actually DONE, other that feel sorry for himself.


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## EleGirl

lordmayhem said:


> That's why he gets a temporary child custody order in AZ ASAP where he lives right now. Then he files for D. Judges will rarely overturn an existing custody order.
> 
> I get calls like this all the time at work. There are PLENTY of wives who flee the home with the kids just before the divorce date arrives. The father usually calls the cops who inform him that there's nothing they can do without a court order. Now, with the WIFE taking the kids out of state, do you think the HUSBAND can get the court returned to his state? I don't think so.
> 
> There was a time when a man from Wyoming called up saying his wife and her friends where taking his kids to another state, that they were enroute to our city via bus. The divorce date was only a couple of days away. His local police told him they couldn't do anything without a court order and I advised him the same. Think he can get the court to order the wife to return the kids or else face limited visitation? Dream on. This happens all the time.



Yes a husband can get a court order to not move the children out of state. I've seen it done.


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## EleGirl

Badblood said:


> I understand that, Elegirl, but he should have already done this stuff, instead of coming here and whining about how tough he has it. There are PLENTY of low-cost and no-cost avenues of support for military spouses, on every post, base, or installation. That's why I want to know what he has actually DONE, other that feel sorry for himself.


My understanding is that he is in a place like Afganistan. He cannot do much at all until he's back in the USA... only can call some attornies and get a few things rolling.


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## crazyconfused

Well man...it SUCKS...i know how much it sucks to come home to a FU**ed situation...I know your overseas and its hard to get things done with your head pinging off the walls and such. If you are having a hard time getting things done, get a limited Power of Attonerny for someone you trust implicitly to help you out with filing paperwork and such back home...if you havent already, get your chain of command invovled. let them work for you and take care of you...thats what they are there for. you've got some complicated issues, but thats what they are there for, to get you answers...it sucks, it sucks it sucks, but you have got to screw your head on straight and get stuff done...STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR YOURSELF!!!


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## Badblood

Elegirl, regardless of where he is deployed, there are JAG personnel available to help him, and look out for his best interests. The Support mechanism in place for deployed U.S. military is the most extensive in the world, and has been used by thousands of GI's, in similar situations.


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## Badblood

Crazyconfused, that's what I'm trying to get him to do. He can get Jag lawyers on her so fast , it would make her head spin.


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## EleGirl

Badblood said:


> Elegirl, regardless of where he is deployed, there are JAG personnel available to help him, and look out for his best interests. The Support mechanism in place for deployed U.S. military is the most extensive in the world, and has been used by thousands of GI's, in similar situations.


JAG only provides very limited general advice on the topic of divorce, separation and child custody. There is no requirement for a military lawyer to be licensed in the state in which they are serving. They cannot prepare divorce or separation documents, they cannot represent you in court, they cannot file legal divorce or separation paperwork for you. 

The OP will need to get a civilian attorney in AZ or in the state where his ex is living to handle his divorce and custody issues.

Yes I know all about the support system for GI’s around the world. I grew up with a father in the military; I was in the military as was my husband and half of my siblings. What exactly is the military support system going to do for the OP? He can talk to them, that’s it. 

Can you give specifics of what you think they can do besides listen to him and tell him he’s in a rotten situation?


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## Badblood

Elegirl, This Op is saying that there isn't much he can do, which is untrue. Jag can find him a civilian lawyer, help him give somebody he trusts power of attorney, his chain of command can get him time off to work on his problems, possibly a change of duty station, the Chaplain's office can direct him to IC or MC agencies,the American Legion and United Way can provide him with support as well (including financial). The point is, that there is a lot he can be doing NOW, while in Afghanistan or later when statside. BUT he needs to get the ball rolling, NOW. No time to lose. Nobody will do anything FOR him, but ALL will help him if he is proactive and takes charge of his situation. Which he can do from anywhere.


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## EleGirl

Badblood said:


> Elegirl, This Op is saying that there isn't much he can do, which is untrue. Jag can find him a civilian lawyer, help him give somebody he trusts power of attorney, his chain of command can get him time off to work on his problems, possibly a change of duty station, the Chaplain's office can direct him to IC or MC agencies,the American Legion and United Way can provide him with support as well (including financial). The point is, that there is a lot he can be doing NOW, while in Afghanistan or later when statside. BUT he needs to get the ball rolling, NOW. No time to lose. Nobody will do anything FOR him, but ALL will help him if he is proactive and takes charge of his situation. Which he can do from anywhere.


Ok so that’s a good list of the kinds of help he can get while deployed. Just about everyone here, myself included, has suggested that he get the ball rolling NOW. But as he said he’s coming back to the USA in a few weeks. Maybe he did not want to get leave and a new duty station for some reason. Maybe he did request leave or reassignment and was turned down. Who knows?

But he would be foolish to actually file for divorce or custody while out of the country. It would put him at a huge disadvantage. 

But what will never happen is that he cannot “can get Jag lawyers on her so fast , it would make her head spin.” JAG does not do divorces.


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## lordmayhem

I don't know about the JAG. The JAG is the military equivalent of the county/city attorney/prosecutor. They aren't there for you, rather they are there so that command can handle disciplinary actions while in the AOR, up to and including court martial actions. I remember one time while I was deployed, coincidentally with my brother at the same base, and his rotation back was held up because the JAG was prosecuting a member for violation of General Order 1 and he was the arresting officer. The member decided to plead, so the JAG ended up releasing him to go return from the AOR back to his base.


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## Badblood

EleGirl said:


> Ok so that’s a good list of the kinds of help he can get while deployed. Just about everyone here, myself included, has suggested that he get the ball rolling NOW. But as he said he’s coming back to the USA in a few weeks. Maybe he did not want to get leave and a new duty station for some reason. Maybe he did request leave or reassignment and was turned down. Who knows?
> 
> But he would be foolish to actually file for divorce or custody while out of the country. It would put him at a huge disadvantage.
> 
> But what will never happen is that he cannot “can get Jag lawyers on her so fast , it would make her head spin.” JAG does not do divorces.


So you do understand what I'm saying, right? Regardless of my phraseology? The point is to get started now.


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## EleGirl

Badblood said:


> So you do understand what I'm saying, right? Regardless of my phraseology? The point is to get started now.


What I was trying to make clear is to dispell a common misunderstanding among some (not you but people reading here) that the JAG will handle divorces or that a service member's commander can move heaven and earth. Ain't gonna happen.

The whole family support thing in the military is more of a public relations effort than any real help. This is from experience of a people I know. They seldom do anything at all except listen and then say they are sorry to hear you are going through this.

But yes the OP should have a private sector attorney waiting with a plan when he lands in the USA from this deployment.


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## Dexter Morgan

Badblood said:


> Dude, first things first. *Get over yourself.* This has happened to thousands , maybe millions, of military people since the dawn of time.


brokenmilguyAZ, pay no attention to this. Nothing you have stated indicates you think we should feel sorry for you because you are in the military.

Having said that, it is reprehensible that people that are overseas risking their lives have to worry about this kind of crap on top of getting shot at.

Hang in there, get rid of this "woman". I salute you.


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## Dexter Morgan

Badblood said:


> I understand that, Elegirl, but he should have already done this stuff, *instead of coming here and whining* about how tough he has it.


Again, brokenmilguyAZ, pay no attention to this.


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## Badblood

BMGAZ, Nobody is saying that it doesn't suck that your W is unfaithful, or that you were deployed when it happened. What we are trying to get you to do is to stop the self-pity and get to work protecting you daughter. You CAN get the ball rolling from Afghanistan or anywhere else. Elegirl has some good ideas, and lordmayhem's idea about a limited POA is also spot on. Unfortunately as a Marine with three deployments, I have seen many such incidents of infidelity, and the ones that turn out better, are the ones where the BS has his/her ducks in a row when he/she gets home. Doing something is better than doing nothing, and being proactive will help ease the pain and anger you feel.


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## lordmayhem

Badblood said:


> BMGAZ, Nobody is saying that it doesn't suck that your W is unfaithful, or that you were deployed when it happened. What we are trying to get you to do is to stop the self-pity and get to work protecting you daughter. You CAN get the ball rolling from Afghanistan or anywhere else. Elegirl has some good ideas, and lordmayhem's idea about a limited POA is also spot on. Unfortunately as a Marine with three deployments, I have seen many such incidents of infidelity, and the ones that turn out better, are the ones where the BS has his/her ducks in a row when he/she gets home. Doing something is better than doing nothing, and being proactive will help ease the pain and anger you feel.


:iagree:


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## Badblood

EleGirl said:


> What I was trying to make clear is to dispell a common misunderstanding among some (not you but people reading here) that the JAG will handle divorces or that a service member's commander can move heaven and earth. Ain't gonna happen.
> 
> The whole family support thing in the military is more of a public relations effort than any real help. This is from experience of a people I know. They seldom do anything at all except listen and then say they are sorry to hear you are going through this.
> 
> But yes the OP should have a private sector attorney waiting with a plan when he lands in the USA from this deployment.


I agree with you , Elegirl, and am just trying to get the OP to be more proactive. He definitely needs to inform his chain of command, to see what options he has regarding an early end to his deployment or compassionate leave.. Every State in the Union has a State Bar association that can recommend a lawyer for him and most State Bars can be contacted online when he is back from the field. He also should contact his parents or siblings about the Power of Attorney.


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## Whip Morgan

Here is how the original poster can be proactive in his situation, and I don't remember if he has already done this or not:

First step, inform his section sergeant. Should have done so immediately. This info goes to platoon, then troop commander. Most likely, he'd be taken off the line. 

Command can contact the unit chaplain. From there, things are possible. As Badbloood said, early end or compassionate leave COULD be possible.

I've seen it myself while deployed, but no idea if the women (Yes, plural. And yes, military husbands do cheat also. But I was combat arms, so only served with men) were pregnant. Informing chain of command is step one, always. Soldiers can be aided in legal action, sadly this situation is nothing new.

Now, this depends on whether brokenAZ has a good chain of command. If his section sgt tells him to suck it up and deal with it, he needs to go higher.

I hope he told command as soon as it happened.


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## Wanabeelee

_Posted via Mobile Device_

Would they really want someone with this type of stress with a gun? It's enough just to serving our country, but add that to it.... Leave seems like a smart choice for them to offer. Till he gets his affairs in order.


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## Eli-Zor

> What we are trying to get you to do is to stop the self-pity and get to work protecting you daughter. *You CAN get the ball rolling* from Afghanistan or anywhere else.



Yes indeed


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## Badblood

Whip Morgan said:


> Here is how the original poster can be proactive in his situation, and I don't remember if he has already done this or not:
> 
> First step, inform his section sergeant. Should have done so immediately. This info goes to platoon, then troop commander. Most likely, he'd be taken off the line.
> 
> Command can contact the unit chaplain. From there, things are possible. As Badbloood said, early end or compassionate leave COULD be possible.
> 
> I've seen it myself while deployed, but no idea if the women (Yes, plural. And yes, military husbands do cheat also. But I was combat arms, so only served with men) were pregnant. Informing chain of command is step one, always. Soldiers can be aided in legal action, sadly this situation is nothing new.
> 
> Now, this depends on whether brokenAZ has a good chain of command. If his section sgt tells him to suck it up and deal with it, he needs to go higher.
> 
> I hope he told command as soon as it happened.


Absolutely right, Whip. If he goes to his section/squad leader and gets no satisfaction, keep going higher up the chain, until somebody will listen and help. I am in combat arms too, and have seen it happen numerous times that the BS will be given leave to straighten out their home affairs.


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## calif_hope

Look I know youndon't want to let your buddies down, each member of the team is important. from experience I know that while in a front line unit on a mission you have to 100% focused on your situation and environment. right nowvyounare not at your best and not 100%, in this circumstance you may be more of a danger to your buddies than the co##suckers on thevothervside. Talk to younNCO, their policies in place for this, he will do some thing, he does not want a distracted warrior out in the field.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood

calif_hope said:


> Look I know youndon't want to let your buddies down, each member of the team is important. from experience I know that while in a front line unit on a mission you have to 100% focused on your situation and environment. right nowvyounare not at your best and not 100%, in this circumstance you may be more of a danger to your buddies than the co##suckers on thevothervside. Talk to younNCO, their policies in place for this, he will do some thing, he does not want a distracted warrior out in the field.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely right. If someone isn't on their game, they are a danger to themselves and others..


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## Beowulf

All I know is that this type of thing, while it might not be uncommon, pi$$es me off royally! I consider all who serve in the military to be heroes and to treat them like this...argggg!

Edit: Anyone else feel like this type of cheating spouse should have their citizenship revoked?


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## crazyconfused

I do too man. I'm AD and my stbxw was AD when she was cheating on me when I ws deployed... I'd say worse than deportation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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