# Shocked and Hurt



## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

So I'm 26 years old got married when I was 21 to someone I was friends with all through high school. We had dated separate people for a long period of time him 6 years me 3 and 1/2. He went to basic training and came back in 2007 had bought me the ring while there and decided since I was pregnant would be a good time to give it to me. He bought this before I ever became pregnant so it wasn't him fixing an accident. Our son will be 5 soon. I thought everything was going okay stbx acted as if everything is okay. We get into fights here and there but I thought we just said what we had to say and were done with it. We've been married would have been 5 years tomorrow. I got home from work last Monday and he said we needed to talk. Told me that we just don't get along anymore I don't support him going to school or the military. ( I didn't not support him in those just didnt like that he didnt take my feelings into consideration before making decisions that affect the family bc he will be gone alot) I begged him to give me time to fix whatever problems we have. He had also revealed to me that when I dropped him off for mobilization (he was deploying) he went out drinking that night which he only had money for 3 beers said he thought he might have gotten drugged. apparently his buddies said they saw him go into a hotel room with another woman and he doesnt remember anything. I told him if I could get past that he should give me a chance. Asked him the next morning what was going on and he said he hadn't made any decisions and he'd go with the flow. He had also said he still loved me. Then Wednesday he texted me and told me that it wasn't working it all felt like it wasn't real that I had already done a 180 but it wouldn't change the way he felt. He fell out of love with me. He said it also wouldnt change what he had done to me. He says that it is his fault he never mentioned any of this but yet he refuses to give me a chance to show him it can be different. He's made up his mind already says he's doing this for our son and for himself. It came completely out of no where. Is it just me or does it seem like we got married too young and he's just ready for being single and free? He seems excited to get on with his new life while I'm sitting here feeling awful and figuring out where to move and this wasn't even my decision.

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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Married to young, maybe but things happen the way they do. I married the love of my life young also. I will say, you cannot change what he is feeling or going through, that is his burden. You have to take care of you and family. If it is meant to change you will get that from him but do not bow down and consider yourself less. You are a wonderful person, even with not being perfect. Hang in there, I am going through some rough stuff too!


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm trying to think positive but there's something so frightening about the unknown future when you already had one planned out. I'm going from sadness to anger back to emptiness. I wish it was as easy for me as it seems to be for him

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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm trying to think positive but there's something so frightening about the unknown future when you already had one planned out. I'm going from sadness to anger back to emptiness. I wish it was as easy for me as it seems to be for him

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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You are focusing on him and his disrespectful behavior way too much. 

You begged him? Why in the world would you beg him to give you time to change yourself when he is the one who decided to join the military against your wishes and concerns that it would take him away for long periods? You are not the problem. You do not need to conform to his life and career asperations.

The questions you should be asking are why in the world you would put up with this? Why would you think you are the problem? Why would you think you are the one who has to change? Why would you blame yourself? Why are you so dependent upon him that you will put up with this kind of disrespect?

If he wants out, let him go. He'll need to pay you child support and alimony. Life will not be peachy for him. Let him have his career if that is what he wants. You need to work on yourself, building up a life and network of support. Are you in counseling? Make his ass pay for that too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you are correct that you married way too young but that's neither here nor there at this point. He's made it clear that he's not interested in a life with you. So you need to focus on yourself and your child and figure out how you are going to move forward, starting right now. Because he already has.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

Thank you guys for the replies. As of right now I'm not in counseling. I may think about it. Right now I'm going through stages of anger. I realize now that there is no reason for me to beg him. That just makes me seem helpless. I am going to get my head on straight and do what needs to be done. It still hurts to know that someone doesn't love you and just gives up on you completely. I will never understand it but there's no reason in trying to when it will get me no where.
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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Michelle86, so sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time.

I just wanted to post because I feel my story is similar to yours. I met my H in school when I was 16 and he was 18, we dated and eventually got married when I was 20 and he was 22.
As a couple we had our ups and downs, we did argue but usually over silly little things. But we had so much fun together and spent alot of time with each other. 

But then after a year of marriage, my H started being distant again and I could see he had changed, he was not being romantic and loving anymore. He was staying late after work, going out more with friends and people from work and not having time for me. Then when we were having a bad week, he decided it was the best time to tell me he didn't want to be marrried to me anymore and that he didn't love me anymore. I begged him and cried so much, but he had made up his mind and wouldn't even hug me. I was so upset and angry at the same time, we ended it with bad words which is sad really. 

He made it clear that he didn't want to see me or talk to me, and only texted me about divorce proceedings. About two weeks ago I saw he had changed his facebook photo to one of him and a girl from his work place. I knew he had been texting flirty messages to a woman from work but he said he hadn't committed adultery when I asked him about it. It's been two months now since my H left me and we haven't contacted each other, which has been really strange.

I wanted to say that don't regret getting married young, I know it's hard not to because I always think what if I didn't get married to my H would we still be together as a couple? But I think it's ok to marry young as long as both individuals feel ready and are mature enough, in my H's case I don't think his mind was ready for marriage. 

I think giving your H time and space is a good idea, and give yourself time to let it all sink in. Keep yourself busy and make sure your life doesn't come to a stop because he wants out of the relationship. It's so hard but concentrate on yourself and keeping your life on track. 

At this early stage I think this is probably the best thing to do right now. You might find after a few weeks you might feel different and might want to contact your H, or maybe you will see your life is better without him. In my case, I am still trying to focus on myself and have had time to think about what happened and caused our marriage to end. 

Sorry my post was quite long winded! Just wanted to let you know that it's ok to feel low right now as so many of us have been in the same position. I am still in the process of working through it all and it hasn't been easy. I still have a long way to go but take it slowly don't pressure yourself to move on quickly.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

Hey Juicy thanks for taking the time to post that. I am trying right now just to worry about me and my son because if I think too much about him then I won't make it through. I'm still sad and angry. We are still living in the same residence while I try and find a place. It's hard to be here when he's here because he acts like nothing happened except that he doesn't speak to me much now. It's a very awkward situation. I think once I get out of here it might be easier to deal with since I won't be around him or worrying where he's at when he's gone. I'm sorry to hear that your H seems to have someone else. I'm worried about that with mine. I don't know how to handle that if I ever find out that's what this all is. I hope things start getting better for you and I. If only they felt how we feel they would understand.

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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Michelle - I know this is a really overwhelming time right now with a million things running through your head but you will be ok. I know this sounds cliche and you've heard it a million times but its better it happened to you now then later on. I say this because I married my stbxh at 19 - 2 months before my 20th birthday. Our first child came two weeks before our first anniversary & we had two more before I turned 30. I changed a lot to make him happy & gave up a lot of friends & family to keep him satisfied. Guess what - this year we would have celebrated our 25 th anniversary ( on Tuesday as a matter of fact) but on January 2nd this year he left & he left for another woman. So please - never beg & offer to change for someone so they will stay with you. Just stay strong and be the grown up because he certainly is not acting like one.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I agree smallsteps. It is better now than later. I've been feeling better about it this week so far. I got a new place today! It feels nice to know that I can do this. I'm still in disbelief how much my H had changed so quickly but I guess that's something that ill never figure out.
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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Michelle86 said:


> I agree smallsteps. It is better now than later. I've been feeling better about it this week so far. I got a new place today! It feels nice to know that I can do this. I'm still in disbelief how much my H had changed so quickly but I guess that's something that ill never figure out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Congratulations - that's good to hear!! I don't think we ever figure out what makes them change so fast - almost overnight. At my stbxh age (47) they say its a midlife crisis but truth is it happens at every age. You will be able to do this & you will come out stronger & better for this.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

So last night I was looking at my phone bill and it showed the same phone # was constantly being texted repeatedly. Searched it on Facebook and its a nurse my stbx works with. I suspected her at first and confronted him last night. Says he's talking to people but doesn't mean he's dating them. Yeah right. He's a damned liar. He is succeeding in making me feel absolutely nothing but anger. He can't even be a man and tell me the truth. He has had his face stuck in his phone for a month and now I know why.
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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Michelle86 said:


> So last night I was looking at my phone bill and it showed the same phone # was constantly being texted repeatedly. Searched it on Facebook and its a nurse my stbx works with. I suspected her at first and confronted him last night. Says he's talking to people but doesn't mean he's dating them. Yeah right. He's a damned liar. He is succeeding in making me feel absolutely nothing but anger. He can't even be a man and tell me the truth. He has had his face stuck in his phone for a month and now I know why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You caught him - if hes anything like mine their first instinct is to lie. Its sad


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Who pays the phone bill? If you do, cut his phone line now. For one, you are paying for his infidelity. Second, you are going to keep checking those records and it will drive you crazy. Every time you look it will open up new wounds, and you are only self-harming. 

If he pays, transfer your number to your own control. And split the account. 

Have you split your bank account off from his? Credit cards in both names, etc.?


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

He made it clear that he didn't want to see me or talk to me, and only texted me about divorce proceedings. About two weeks ago I saw he had changed his facebook photo to one of him and a girl from his work place. I knew he had been texting 
flirty messages to a woman from work but he said he hadn't committed adultery when I asked him about it. It's been two months now since my H left me and we haven't contacted each other, which has been really strange.

Juicy this must be something with men. My husband did the EXACT same thing including changing his number and only talking to me through others. I am so humiliated....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Arendt said:


> Who pays the phone bill? If you do, cut his phone line now. For one, you are paying for his infidelity. Second, you are going to keep checking those records and it will drive you crazy. Every time you look it will open up new wounds, and you are only self-harming.
> 
> If he pays, transfer your number to your own control. And split the account.
> 
> Have you split your bank account off from his? Credit cards in both names, etc.?


True about checking the phone records. I paid all the bills online - we already had seperate credit card accounts. I was driving myself nuts watching the charges appear. It basically told me where he was going & what he was up to. The only good thing was he never told me where he moved to (he still hasn't). When I opened up the statement on the website there was his new address. He still thinks I don't know!!


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

Arendt We had a joint checking that we paid the bill out of. He's on my plan and we have already separated our checking accounts. I checked into getting him off of my plan today. You are right about the records I have been checking them ever since I saw the first one and he is still repeatedly talking to her even though I confronted him. I'm working on getting the rest of our bills split up. When he gets back from his annual training for the military on the 21st I have a list of things to put in our divorce papers as well. Instead of being able to get out of all this and end on at least an okay note he's managed to really piss me off. It's hard to be nice at all but I have to be civil for our son.
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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Doesn't the military have some extra codes against adultery? It might be worth trying to get more proof if that is so. Talk with your lawyer about this. Maybe it would mean he'd have to pay you more alimony or something. I have no idea, but might be worth checking out.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

So just thought I'd do an update. I'm mostly doing better but found out today stbx is probably fired from his job and he found out Friday and didnt even tell me. I asked him about it because he's supposed to be paying for most of the daycare. He said he didn't tell me bc there's nothing to tell yet and if he did lose it then he would get another job. I told him its important reguardless of our situation that he tell me things like this bc of our son. He stopped texting after that how mature is that.... Seriously how can he even think of himself as a man when he's acting like a coward

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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Glad to here you're doing better. You called him out on getting fired - he probably didn't like that you asked him about it so he reacted like a child does when they get caught doing something wrong. Incredible!! You didn't happen to find out WHY hes probably getting fired did you? In the end as long as he gets another job and keeps up his financial support of your son you're good. You took the high road.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

Yeah he works for a mental health place and they have productivity that they are very strict about and apparently he didnt get it and he's been written up for it 3 times.

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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Wow - that must have been a blow to his ego.....


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I'm sure it was from what I heard he went out and punched his steering wheel in the car

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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh jeeze - well that explains his childish reaction to you calling him out!!! He works in a mental health facility and hes punching his steering wheel???? Ummm.. i guess he didn't pick up coping skills while he was working there. You know what - I really think you're going to be a lot better off without him.


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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I do too  the way he's acting lately had shown me a whole other side to him that I'd rather not know.

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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

It's my first night in the new place. We told our son tonight about everything and he seemed confused at first but he was excited about the new place after that. Thought everything was going okay but stbx gave our son his ipad on which he forgot to delete his messages and I found that him and his sister are bad mouthing me. He's such a different person now acting like I never mattered to him so my thoughts are should I change my name back to my maiden one in the divorce? I don't want to have a different name than my son but don't know if I want to carry this name of people that are so disrespectful anymore. Any thoughts?

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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I hate that kind of stuff - maybe you should write an e mail or something to both of them so you make it known that you've seen their conversation. 

If he didn't delete his stuff off of there - it could be a valuable tool for you. Maybe you should do some more searching around on there & get copies of everything you find for your records. You never know if you may need it.

As for the last name - I have two sons & a daughter - one son is still in school so I will most likely keep my married name. If I remarry someday then I will change it. My mom & dad have been divorced almost 40 years and she still uses his name. It's a personal choice. Maybe you can hyphenate it - then it's not the same name as your ex but you and your son will still have part of the same last name.
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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

I had mentioned to him last night that I saw what they said and didn't appreciate it. He basically told me I shouldn't be snooping if I didn't want to see anything and he can't control what his sister thinks. I told him that he could have at least told her he didn't want to hear it like I've been trying to do when my family says too much and all he could say was don't worry about it. His sister is around 40 I think she should grow the hell up.

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## Michelle86 (Jul 3, 2013)

Coming here to vent today. The day I read stbx messages found out he was looking into getting a motorcycle and didnt want me knowing. Basically said it wasn't any of my business and didnt want to hear me *****ing about it bc he's heard *****ing for the past 3 years. Found out today that he couldn't get it bc they won't finance it for him. He told me a few days ago he is for sure losing his job. Now all of a sudden today he decides to volunteer for a deployment and he would be leaving in August if they let him go. I think he's doing it because the happy life he thought he was going to have all went to hell. Everything seems to be going wrong for him. When I brought up the fact that our son is going to think he's taking off on him since we just moved into separate housing and told him that he would see his daddy everyday he just said that everyone goes through deployments. I told him not everyone goes through a divorce and then their dad taking off on them too. I don't know what to think except that he may have a screw loose. I just don't get how someone could change everything about themselves so quickly. I don't intend to make any comments to our son to make him think anything of the sort that his dad is abandoning him but I feel like he is going to take it that way.

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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

That's exactly it. He cant get financing - hes losing his job - all his plans are falling apart. Is he being selfish? Yes hes not doing this for any reason then for himself. Just try to be strong for your son. Try to help him see that other kids dads who are in the military have to miss their dads. Hes your main focus now.


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