# My dilemma with H and a night out



## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

I am going an annual xmas night out at my friend/work colleague's house tomorrow night (Friday) Kids and husbands are invited too. It will be the first time my H has been home for it. He works away.

Things are not as good as they should be between H and me at the moment. We have attended counselling this year and were making improvements until last month when he was home. A few situations happened which has had me question everything about our relationships. Past and present. A member here described H as PA and the counsellor said he was very insecure (seeing C together on Tues) He phones every day but it has been awkward and very matter of fact.

Anyway, H get home early hours on Friday am after travelling since Wed with little sleep. He usually comes home and tries to stay awake until around 8pm after a few beers and goes to bed.

He knows I am going out and wants to come along. One part of me thinks its a good idea so he can meet my friends + hubby's in a social situation but the anxious part of me doesn't. H talks about work, work, work and keep saying "I still get paid to sit here", will get drunk quick because he is tired, be a PITA and will fall asleep early. I have said I will not be coming home early and don't want to spend my night worrying about him. 

Whether he comes or not, I will have to deal with the fallout and don't know if I can just now.

Any advice??
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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

What fallout will there be if he doesn't go?
What time about would you be going home?


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## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

I will be going around 6pm and probably leaving 11-12pm. Our 12 year old will be there with her friends, so past his usual "bedtime".

The fallout will be

If he goes, he will be adamant and say he is not tired, drink the same pace as all the other men to "fit in" (never met them before), get drunk quick, brag about his good job(what he always does and I see people think "what a jerk"), fall asleep or want to go home early. I will get upset, he will get annoyed/angry and usually says hurtful things to me. And the next day I will still be upset and he will act as if nothing is wrong or if I bring it up, I will be blamed for causing his outburst. Maybe I do.

If he doesn't go, I will have a great night, nobody to worry about but I will be given the silent treatment and will pay for it somehow later on. H has never hit me.

I would love to go as a couple and have a great time, introduce him to people and feel proud to say he is my husband. ( I just felt upset writing that bit) I just don't feel proud at the moment.
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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

getting it wrong said:


> I am going an annual xmas night out at my friend/work colleague's house tomorrow night (Friday) Kids and husbands are invited too. It will be the first time my H has been home for it. He works away.
> 
> *Things are not as good as they should be between H and me at the moment. We have attended counselling this year and were making improvements until last month when he was home.* A few situations happened which has had me question everything about our relationships. Past and present. A member here described H as PA and the counsellor said he was very insecure (seeing C together on Tues) He phones every day but it has been awkward and very matter of fact.
> 
> ...


You need to elaborate a lot more info regarding the bolded text....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If you know he's going to behave that way go without him and deal with the silent treatment afterwards. Think of it this way - at least he won't be yelling at you 

When he gives you the silent treatment continue to act completely normally, go about your day(s) as you normally would. If he wants to play that game and act like a child, not much you can do about it, but you can refuse to participate. Do for you and the kids, don't do for hubby. When he notices and queries it say "You weren't talking to me so I didn't know what you wanted".

The silent treatment is basically a grown up toddler tantrum, and you must treat it as such. Just like a toddler tantrum, he may up the ante before he realises it's futile and grows up and stops it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How about you make love to him when he gets home, then take a nap. He will be refreshed and be awake for the evening.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you have to stop preempting your H actions. Let him make his own choices, what he does or does not do is no reflection on you. 
He is responsible for his own behaviour, you are acting co-dependent and trying to control outcomes of his actions. This is a recipe for misery. Let go. ( I know this as a result of dealing with an alcoholic H, always planning, preempting, controlling, it does not work). Just go, enjoy yourself, be kind and loving to him, let him be a p**** if he wants to, his problem, not yours. If he falls asleep, let him, go home when you are ready, you are not his babysitter.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

You've admitted things aren't great in your relationship, yet you're more worried about having fun at some party, or being embarrassed by him, or worried about going home early. If you're serious about repairing the marriage you'd be focusing on how to bring each other closer together. A great relationship you put each other and the marriage first but-



> I have said I will not be coming home early and don't want to spend my night worrying about him.


Sound like this party is way more important than him. He's been away travelling for several days and all you can think about is going out to party without him?

It says a lot about your attitude towards him as a spouse. Maybe the problems you're having are making you question whether you want to be with him at all? - I don't know. But you're acting/speaking like you don't want to be with him, you're embarrassed by him, you want to have fun and not have him drag you down or make you look bad. If you're going to try and fix the marriage you need to at least start acting like you respect him, and not care what your work mates think of him. You chose him, after all.

If I was you I would go together, and leave together - like husband and wife. And treat him like you admire and respect him (even if you don't right now - because of these problems - act like you believe in him at least). Maybe YOU should brag to your work mates about him instead, _in front of him_, there's nothing better for a man especially - to be complimented publically by his woman.

Again, I don't know how serious your problems are, or what they are, but if you're serious about trying to get the marriage back on track you need to switch to 'care and repair' mode.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I never have understood why adults have to do all this drinking.... What's so fun about it? Especially at a Christmas party.



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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

I agree with Aine. Tell him you are happy he is comming. Tell him you intend to stay late, as its your annual work party. Give him the number of a taxi in case he wants to go early.


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## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

I have a night out maybe 2-3 times A YEAR so yes it is important to me to get out and socialise (drinking is not important to me) but not more important than my H. He has very few friends and this would be a great chance for him to meet some different people. 

As was said to me on my other thread, it seems like I have been dealing with crazy making PA behaviour for the best part of 25 years together and the more I think back, yes, I can see it now. H has also worked away for this amount of time too. I am a lot better now and I am still learning how to deal with it but I do get very anxious when he is drinking because that is when all his anger tends to come out and is directed at me, never physical though.
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## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

I started to see a counsellor because I was starting to emotionally withdraw from him and wasn't sure why. He constantly let me and the kids down, was self medicating with alcohol, being the "nice guy" to others, putting everyone else first, etc I didn't trust what he says and I couldn't rely on him for much. We are working on that. Although he has always worked and financially looked after us, right up to not that long ago, if I asked or needed him for anything (help with kids/house)his answer would be "but I work" his answer to everything.

Years of feeling like the only responsible parent has left me with little respect or admiration for him. Hopefully when I see him tomorrow I won't feel so anxious. I'm hoping counselling will help us both. We have been making progress but when he was home he slipped back into the same crazy making behavior. 

I am not going to give up without a fight but it takes 2 and I don't know if he can or will. Time will tell.
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## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> How about you make love to him when he gets home, then take a nap. He will be refreshed and be awake for the evening.


I do usually but 4-5 times a week of adventurous sex still does not seem to help.
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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

getting it wrong said:


> I do usually but 4-5 times a week of adventurous sex still does not seem to help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not about the sex. It's about getting him into bed for a nap without asking him to take a nap.  Isn't the issue that he comes home tired and doesn't eat, so he will not be able to function if he goes out with you? If he comes home, gets some loving, and a good rest, followed by some food, would that help?


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