# So for those of you going thru it when the decision was made....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

How did you feel? Were you 100% sure or were you scared/uncertain, etc.

We are currently debating separating and I find that when it seems like it could actually happen I get all panicky and freaked out wondering if it is a mistake...is that normal? Or does that mean that it is not the right decision?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

100% certain and I was the initiator.

I am not a big believer in divorce unless it is for one of the A's (addiction, adultery, abandonment and abuse). I don't buy the ILYBANILWY excuse as a reason to initiate divorce. Still it does take two and if your partner is already there, well...you don't have much choice.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks, I think we are both not 100% sure. It is a big decision and it is not for one of the reasons you mentioned. He had two EA's because he felt his needs were not getting met.

I think it is a case of feelings having changed on both sides but is that a good enough reason? I am not sure...because like you I think you are a team and have to work at it. Of course after 25 years of being together it is not the same as it was in the first couple of years.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

highwood said:


> Thanks, I think we are both not 100% sure. It is a big decision and it is not for one of the reasons you mentioned. He had two EA's because he felt his needs were not getting met.
> 
> I think it is a case of feelings having changed on both sides but is that a good enough reason? I am not sure...because like you I think you are a team and have to work at it. Of course after 25 years of being together it is not the same as it was in the first couple of years.


 The two EAs make the decision more difficult. Many believe that that is enough of a reason...and imo, often an EA points to a PA.

I was married 25 years too. It is a hard change even when there is solid evidence. For me, it would have been much harder (and stupid) to stay. 

Have you been to counseling? Do you think his EAs progressed to PAs? Are there children involved?

eta: Maybe some MFT would help both of you figure out the direction you need to go. There is a huge upswing in divorce for LT marriages now, once the nest is empty. I guess if I were in your shoes I would try to think about how I felt about him. Did I consider him my best friend? Did I look forward to a future with him? Am I willing to invest the energy to rediscover my husband/fall back in love with him in this new phase of life? Financially, does it make sense (again, absent the As above)?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No it was not a PA that I am 100% sure of.

I guess this indecisiveness is why people stay in marriages for years even if they are unhappy, etc.

We did counselling but honestly I have no desire to go again...this is the thing 50% of me thinks I want to work on the marriage and the othr 50% does not.

We have an adult son (23) who is a good kid jsut starting out in his career and still lives at home. Oddly enough I think about him too because even an adult child is still affected if the parents split up.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

highwood said:


> No it was not a PA that I am 100% sure of.
> 
> I guess this indecisiveness is why people stay in marriages for years even if they are unhappy, etc.
> 
> ...


OK, well, I am very happy you don't have to deal with the pain of a PA. I don't worry as much about an adult son as I would about a minor. 

How about a trial separation? Though I wouldn't be keen on dating etc by either party until I knew that divorce was what I wanted. Maybe a 12 week separation and then, get together and come up with a plan of action.

I hate second guessing myself so usually choose a path to eliminate that as much as possible.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I wasn't in agreement then and I'm not in agreement now. The excuse was basically ILYBANILWY which I think is BS. It's an excuse to be lazy and not work on things. But in the end it takes two to make it work. 

I think it's normal to feel a wide range of emotions when getting a D.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks..I wish I could go to a fortune teller and have them tell me yes if you separate you will not regret it or tell me no don't separate.

I have debated the trail separation the only thing is in my mind with his history I keep having an image of him being lonely and all of a sudden starting something up either with his former AP or someone new and me not having a clue about any of it because we are living separate.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add that he left today out of town for his work..will be gone for a week or two. Because everything feels so unsettled and in limbo I am kind of feeling gross today about everything.

I hate that in limbo feeling....


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

FWIW, my opinion is that separation is just the first step to divorce.

Either both partners want to make it work, or one doesn't or claims to be unsure. The one that doesn't or is unsure should leave the marital home. By leaving, they are showing they want out of the marriage. Give them what they want. Initiate the divorce.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am thinking and I would like everyone's expert opinion on this..that I mentioned to him today that I want minimal contact..just an odd text, because I want him to realize while he is away working for the next week or two that this is what it would be like if we separated. I am not going to be hey come on over and hang out and lots of phone calls etc. Normally while he is away we talk everyday or every second day.

Is that the right thing to do??


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

highwood said:


> I am thinking and I would like everyone's expert opinion on this..that I mentioned to him today that I want minimal contact..just an odd text, because I want him to realize while he is away working for the next week or two that this is what it would be like if we separated. I am not going to be hey come on over and hang out and lots of phone calls etc. Normally while he is away we talk everyday or every second day.
> 
> Is that the right thing to do??


Highwood, who knows? Really. No one here can tell you what to do. You may have regrets either way. 

If you guys are just drifting, neither one wants to work on the marriage and both of you are thinking of divorce, I think it is just a matter of time.  The formula to a marriage isn't magic (says she who is separated and headed to a D), it is dedication, work and the willingness to suck it up in the lows and the ability to love hard in the mid to good times.

But, hey, I could be wrong!

Do you like your husband? Do you respect him as a lover, friend and man?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know the things that I do wrong but he is not perfect either.

I reallize that I do not always show appreciation to him and he feels often like he is a paycheck..I like him he is a "good guy" and I think that one of the reasons I hesitate is because I feel that people in my family are going to think.."wow she is making a big mistake...a nice guy like that...what is she thinking?"


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

highwood said:


> I know the things that I do wrong but he is not perfect either.
> 
> I reallize that I do not always show appreciation to him and he feels often like he is a paycheck..I like him he is a "good guy" and I think that one of the reasons I hesitate is because I feel that people in my family are going to think.."wow she is making a big mistake...a nice guy like that...what is she thinking?"


My dear, I just read your other thread. He is on dating sites? You are teetering on the edge. Do you want me to give you a push?

Everyone is wrong about him being a good guy...just like they were wrong about mine. A good guy does not have EAs, lies about giving them up, and goes on dating sites. That is a person who is selfish and does not respect his spouse.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He is not on them anymore..I will give you some background...of what I discovered in June 2012. In 2008/09 he went on them and then in late summer/fall of 2009 he had an EA with some filipino women that I am assuming he met on one of those sites..she was married but in an abusive relatinship supposedly..so she confided in him. He swears they never met in person....

That ended in early 2010..not sure why....and I had no clue that this was going on. I obtained copies of his cell phone records from that time and the amount of phone calls/texts was outstanding....2 hour phone calls late at night, etc.

THen in 2011 June he went to Singapore for work and met a filipino women over there who once she found out he was from canada wasted no time trying to get her hooks into him and did not care that he was married but he told her he was separated. He was over there for 2 months and then when he got back continued his EA with her until late Spetember when I caught on (I then informed her that he was not separated but still married)...he then said he was done but I discovered in April 2012 that he had been still corresponding her..becuase he was addicted to the flatter he imposed on him...(in his words)...since that time when I let our son know what was happening he has not done anything.

I hear what you are saying believe me and that is why I struggle with this....the people I disclosed to....his family/some of mine/my son only know about the one EA from Singapore they do not know about the other thing because in April 2012 I was still unaware about the other EA and the dating adult sites.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add an important note in 2007 he started taking antidepressents these had bad effects on him and basically he suffered from no libido and ED...thus his quest to figure out what was going on with him..as him and his brilliant doctor could not figure that it was SSRI related. He said that he thought it was me and he was not turned onto me so that is what he was figuring out...that is how I know he did not have a PA sexually he could not do anything...and he went off of the SSRI's two years ago and they still have the same effect. He said with these women he did not feel any sex urges toward them....just liked the flattery and the fact they made him feel wanted.

Basically I have a sexless marriage to add to all of this....


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

How about individual counseling to help you make the decision?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I have thought about that....that is a good point! 

Sometimes when I write out what he did between the adult dating sites and the two EA's it looks bad on paper. His family only knows about the Singapore EA not about the adult sites and the other EA..honestly I still think in his mind because there was nothing physical going on that it is not as bad as a PA. I know he would be humiliated if everybody know the extent of what he did.

Part of the reason I think I keep it to myself is that I know what people will think...why do you stay??

I know my sister has commented well the marriage was not good prior almost like he had no choice and it is like please...how would you feel if your husband did that..


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