# I'm a deadbeat dad who wants to suicide before he's old enough to see who I am



## Minnion

I am a total deadbeat dad.

Me and the wife had a a lot of stuff to compromise but it was manageable and worked very good. We were happy together. She looked up to me and accepted my flaws.

The deal is if there is anything in the world that she wanted, it was a child. Myself, I am not children material. I do not like that lifestyle and how it totally alters(destroys) your life. One year we decided we are going to have a child and I promised to do the best I can but I clearly told her straight out "Listen, this is what you want and I'm going to try my best but I'm never going to be that total idiot who actually doesn't take to offense when a woman thinks it's "CUTE" to see me hold a baby.
I was dreading the thought but we was content and I thought it would work. We didn't try but we talked and planned about it for 2yrs.

Suddenly her personality changed and she became more compromising and she found out she actually LIKED some of the things she compromised with. Because we were doing so great I changed for her and I LIKED it too. She got pregnant and still the same.
I couldn't believe how good things were and came to realize that this was the problem. I REALLY wanted a girl because I have an extremely protective side and I would NEVER be a deadbeat.

Of course we had a boy. Alright, I'm happy. 
Suddenly she didn't really have any use of me at his age of 3months(funny exactly the time when his crib was out of our room). The only thing that made her happy about me was if it was related to my son.

*Here's what progressively happened between his the age of 3months to 3yrs old.*
*The BABY!*
1. She was OBSESSED with educating him. She made sure everything he did would benefit his education. We are driving around and I'm hearing him in the back seat pointing and saying Mitsubishi mustang, accord, Suburu, SUV Escape!. He knew the whole alphabet. His wall unit is 4ft long and 6ft high. What's that? 900 books..... He knows more french than I do and I my last name ends with "roux".
"He was premature and I want him to catch up but do so well that life will be easier for him"
I seriously think he's going to invent time travel one of these days!:smile2:

2. She was OBSESSED with letting him have experiences. He's been to the zoo 8 times and she was upset that I didn't want to go to the capital city for the big zoo. He's been there already ONCE. I've been to it once in my life. She took him to what? 80 different parks. He paints, he draws, he legos, he's been to the local fair, we found someone with a farm so he could see the what farm life is like. She took him to a school play at a high school and we don't even know anyone from that school. Heck, we FLEW in a plane to go somewhere but the real reason was so he could experience flying. OH yeah, when we flew she was able to get him to get in the ****pit of this giant plane to check out the millions of buttons. I was lucky to not get TAZED but whatever.....
He bakes! He made a ceramic dish set, he made a mess out of glued noodles. She made something super chocolaty so he could mess up his face and be covered so she could take a picture. She learned video editing to make a compilation of his life through pictures, complete with music going with the beat of swapping pictures.
"You know my parents divorced and doing their own thing. Especially after the divorce with my mom trying to date. that's why I'm crazy like this but I know what you mean"

3. She was OBSESSED with keepsakes......oh brother. A few is fine. 300!!! They were everywhere. The fridge was packed with his newest drawings, we got this 2x2box and that got full of just paper, she paints his feet ever 3 months and sticks them on a piece of paper so she can see the grow results(it's on the videos). Facebook? A video clip of him doing something cute every 4 days and about 300 picture uploads a month. He has 12 photo albums made with scrap booking. My mom just finished the third and last on me when I was a teen(I'm 35 now). Oh heck, I know I'm missing so much more. She saved the CONDOM we would have used we she conceived........NO JOKE....:surprise:
"We can never get this time back and he won't regret it. You wouldn't understand it because you are a man"

4. BUYING STUFF. Every Penny. Every single penny went to him. It was real rough. The wife would whine. "I want him to get a big outdoor playset with a swing and slide. I never had that." she would say. Sure, $2,000 later. When I was assembling it she said "he should have a sandbox here but it needs a cover so cats don't poop in it. I would tell her to relax on the money stuff but she would complain then become all bitter towards me, I get the sandbox and while I'm putting that together she wants a table that will go on the porch that you fill with water. like a sandbox but with water. repeat and rinse. He needs a table with one of those wooden train sets. She kept going and going and going.
My car cost $800 and the heater core was busted. It gets to -30 in the winter here. meh, sure, we have try to fit 5 hand puppets, 200 model cars, 80 teddybears, and 90 pairs of baby jeans in a 800/sq ft home.
"Why are you wasting MONEY. You don't need a new $30 shaver when the old one works(sort of)"

*Our relationship after 3months of his birth until 3yrs old*

1. Her sex drive totally crashed then by yr1, she would delay and excuse sex but loved it still, by yr2 she did it because it was only fair(but still liked it), by 2.5yrs she just didn't really want it ever again but if I really really put the gears on her for it she would, by 3yrs it had to be on sunday right before sleep and she would just be nasty all day or pretend to feel sick, or tired. Who the heck would want to push up against that....
"I feel horrible for you but I just don't want it. wild sex feels sinful(the heck you say?), and kind of yucky and nasty. If we make love it makes me uncomfortable."

2. Progressively she showed less interest in affection, communication, attention, care, and who knows what else. We used to love movies then it felt like she only felt like comedies, then eventually it felt like she was watching them for me, then eventually she said "I think I'm really done with movies". Same story for music. She ditched EVERY hobby she has for herself and didn't really like that I did stuff at all. I'm suppose to feel guilty for being interested in music, video games, mechanics.
"That movie makes me feel gross. It's not very positive and the suspense gets my blood pressure going. I can hear it from the kitchen." It's PG13 and about a man and his dog. YOU WATCHED a JASON marathon with me 4yrs ago and loved it.

3. Her clothing. OH brother. One thing that I has been something that I loved is woman who dress.....well a little flashy(ok...a little ****ty, lol). mini-skirts, WOO, nice classy long dress for waltzing...WOO, etc. She started dressing like like her mother. The shirts are ridiculous. She doesn't look old but she's 30, not 55yrs old. Her makeup.....well who the heck needs that except for work. The only reason her nails were painted is because she wanted to do it with out son. I should have put a nurses outfit on him......it might have been an awesome idea.

4. I didn't change his diaper enough, didn't feed him enough, the time I spent was great but it was not of "high quality enough"(alrighty then???), I don't read to him enough, and on and on.

5. Her problem with me was my whole personality. Any and every flaw I had she was non-verbally unsupportive and bitter about. I could not do anything. Well, I had a few flaws through this crap. Half of them were not even flaws. I slowly compromised and she would non-verbally shrug it off "whatever". I was her BEEOTCH TOTALLY. I started doing more with my son, reading to him more and all of that list, and I really was growing to love it and the experiences but NOTHING was good enough.
I never hit her, I never cheated on her, I would laugh when I saw some dude watching her cute butt walking away, I drank a beer every 4yrs because her father was an alchoholic, I stopped weed because she didn't like drugs within 6months of meeting her, I actually stopped saying the F word completely within the yr. I was loyal. I was supportive through her 3 wrist surguries, her father harassing us and treating her like crap all drunk calling everyday for years. I was supportive when he dead, etc, etc. I lived in HER little town. I dealt with her difficult family and I did it happily.

On the last 6months of our marriage she was DONE with me but she didn't want me to go "for our son".
She actually said "even if you changed everything for me I wouldn't be happy. I still love you, I just don't want you anymore".(Well..ain't that a BEEOTCH, huh!) It was a completely MUTUAL agreement. A total checkmate. We were extremely civil.

Our separation was 2yrs ago.
I thought to hell with it. I gave her the house, her car, verbal agreement to full custody, all furniture, and 25% of the income tax return. I took $4,000, with no job, and a crappy car and moved 800miles back to where my parents are.

I was so beat up from myself not thinking I'm worth anything. I'm ugly, pathetic, broke, worthless, I'll be alone forever, it was my fault, etc. 
For the past 2yrs I've been working on myself with fitness other physical appearance methods, I knocked out bad habits , etc, etc.

Now with my son:
It's real simple. I skype talk with HER and him every single week and I fly them here twice a year.
You know what. I love him but I am SO PISSED that I was screwed over. I blew my whole life on that woman. My whole prime. I'm pumping iron and here my hairline is destroying me. I'm lonely and I feel like I'm worthless. I have NO friends. I have a cellphone and the last 80 people who called were MY MOTHER. I've had two people over at my place in 2yrs. My career.......I make $1,500 a month.
I rarely and sometimes would watch a porn in my marriage and you know what. My porn now is ALL classy with piano music and all romantic. I see beautiful woman and just wish there is some way they would like me then on that same night I smoke so much weed that I keep forgetting to breathe for 30 seconds at a time.

I love him but you know what. I really don't feel living only to end up seeing him at 18 so he can knock my lights out. He's almost 4yrs old. He's going to be the EMINEM child. He's going to know I'm one big worthless lonely pile of crap as soon as he's old enough. I'm 35yrs old. I don't want him to see who I am, and what I'm going to be.
I seriously am considering suicide. I'm not afraid, I don't have that BS "what if something gets good". I have the tool for it. The only problem is my mother. I don't want her to live through my death.

I'm not lying. If I had a funeral there would be 200 people on facebook saying "oh, he was so nice" and I promise there would be my parents who would be at that funeral. This is NOT a lie. I have no co-worker friends. I have 3 contacts on my cell. All I do is go to the gym, rollerblade, watch movies, home renovate my tiny apartment, etc. I have a social anxiety now. I'm not ugly at all but I cannot bring myself to tell people I talk to to come and hang out because I'm so WORTHLESS cause of that idiot wife who I still will drive 800miles down to kick the crap out of anyone who ever hurts her.

I continuously think "F THIS, I'm not skyping or having anything to do with them." "I keep hoping that she will find some guy to fill my pathetic shoes."
I feel GUILTY. I feel guilty because I love him so much but everything is all F-ed up as soon as he was born.

Everyone say whatever you want. Agree my life is done, disagree, blame me, blame her.

*Just say something PLEASE.*

I mean look at my personality, there is no chance I will not be lonely and I might as well off myself if that is something I need to not be.(*lonely as guy/girl relationship lonely*)
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/14306562-post37.html


----------



## Sammy64

Im going to step into this, THERE IS NOTHING WORTH YOUR LIFE !!!!!! been there and have i have to say, i am freaking glad i did not do it.. there is SO much out there to do, first for me ( YOU ) is i would move back to be close to my kid.. IF your marriage is over, so be it but you have a boy, and he needs his Daddy... you may not feel it right now, but he does.... I know i have a hard time even thinking about leaving my daughter, she is 11 now and tells me all the time that i should move because she wants to live with me, but still hard to do it... i keep thinking that she is my only family, but even my family ( Mom / Dad and brothers ) keep telling me to move... but here i am with my Kid .... and i see her only 2 or 3 times a week... very worth it to me


----------



## turnera

Minnion, none of this has anything to do with your ex or the kid. It started with you and that's where the issue still resides. You felt worthless when you met her. You wanted a wife because she made you feel worthy. When she turned her gaze away from you and onto the child that you both should have enjoyed, you again felt worthless.

Nothing is going to change until you work on THAT. NO life you set up will ever be good enough, as long as you believe nobody wants you around. Are you in therapy?


----------



## imperfectworld

A lot of your pain is what is universal among men, just in various degrees and shades of madness. It sucks even reading what you have been through, regardless of the conditions or whatever judgements we may have on how you've conducted yourself. 

The anxiety is a symptom of repressed feelings. A good therapist can really help you. I speak (unfortunately) from years of experience. Get your story over to someone so you can help process it.


----------



## Pluto2

You sound pretty depressed.
What are you doing about it? And if you're not doing anything, why not.
Depression is an illness. If you had diabetes you'd take the meds, right? So get yourself treatment.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Minnion, 

You've been here before haven't you, under a different user name! I recognize your story. I am so sorry you are still having so much trouble but don't take your life over it! Move closer to your son and GET INVOLVED! And get therapy for yourself! Do this for your son, can you imagine how messed up he will be later on if his dad commits suicide?? DO NOT sentence him to that! 

You are worthwhile. Now get off your a$$ and fix it, not end it!


----------



## Minnion

I am very happy you guys do have thoughts in the matter. One of the things I didn't mention is about me AFTER I left. This is actually crucial to why I have calculated that it's really not worth continuing. It's easy to answer why I cannot move back as well. Instead of replying to you all I'll just write when I left and the details of my life in the next post. In 30mins I need to go to the gym(which is about 30% of what my whole life consists of today)

I'll randomly talk a few minor details about the end of the marriage now(nearing 2yrs ago).

There were several things about me that were qualities that she did not take for granted and valued that is more difficult to find in a man. I did all of the laundry, all of the dishes...ahh, about 90% of the housework. ALWAYS. It's not that she's lazy, it's because she HATES them. Something about her mother watching Oprah all day long for years and forcing her to slave all day. She did stuff that required a womans touch such as dusting. One of the things we agreed on and knew is she will cook because I would just starve to death if not. YES, she dragged her feet through that too. Yes, she was totally aware that she was selfish in the relationship(she actually said that). I AM obviously a over compromising and over pleasing person and woman tend to HATE guys who treat them well.
When I left I was a mess because my personal problems just festered(2yrs ago) but now I'm actually doing better than ever. Actually Most would think it's an incredible changeover.
Just so you everyone knows so they do not jump to conclusions the thought of suicide is not spontaneous. It's a calculation that I'm trying to figure out. I'm not going to say something stupid to a cashier I always talk to where I put my foot in my mouth then suddenly off myself. I do not have random thoughts where nothing is wrong but I'm upset. It's a plan to spare an entire life of unfulfillment and the pursuit of it.

Sammy, I do want you to recognize that I read about you and your daughter and I am glad you found a way to be able to work it out. I would have liked for it to work out like you did. If I had a daughter I know things would have been different for me.

Seriously, I really appreciate the attention. No one knows anything about me. No one is close to me except my parents. The bestest friend I have is this 62yr old lady who works at this panty nearby who I throw jokes at and chit chat at.


----------



## Dude007

Pluto2 said:


> You sound pretty depressed.
> What are you doing about it? And if you're not doing anything, why not.
> Depression is an illness. If you had diabetes you'd take the meds, right? So get yourself treatment.


His depression is most likely a symptom of his actions, not a disease.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I'm really curious. What is it with your obsession about having a daughter instead of a boy and the boy being expendable? Is that a FOO issue? What was your childhood like?


----------



## Adelais

Minnion, I know how deep depression feels. I've been there , twice. The first time I was single and took pills and cut my wrists. Some
one came over to my house and saw the open bottle and my (barely) cut wrists, and took me to the hospital w.here they made me drink something to absorb the pills.

I put myself into a center for 28 days (Insurance paid for it, thank God) and that is when my life took a turn for the better. I learned coping tools I should have learned as a child. It was like I had been given a second chance.

Life was really good for many years.

The next time I contemplated suicide I was pregnant with child #3. I didn't want to kill the baby, just myself. So I hung on, and went to the doctor who gave me anti depression meds. It was like a cloud lifted off my head! I had some strange chemical things going on in my brain, combined with the stress of having 2 young children, being pregnant and my husband being gone all the time, and having to wake up at night due to his work issues as well. The pills did a miracle at the time, and then I went off them and was fine.

Your little boy needs a daddy. Do you really want him to have to feel the pain of not having a dad and having to tell people that his dad killed himself when he was just a little boy? Don't do that to him.

Have you ever loved someone more than you loved yourself? Do that now. Love your son enough to get help, so you can live, even if you don't want to live.

Put yourself in a rehab center. They will help you get off the drugs, help you figure out what is missing in your coping skills, teach you the skills you are missing, and teach you to value yourself as a person.

Can you get in a rehab center tomorrow?


----------



## Minnion

Questions you guys asked. 

*Question:* Why don't you move back so you can obtain a relationship with your son?
*Answer:* My wife is from a tiny town in the farmland plains. I'm talking small guys. When I arrived there in 2001 there was no walmart, there was no A&W. population of 1,200 and they actually called it a city. All of the surrounding little towns are OWNED by German immigrant Mennonites. Just so we are clear Mennonites are not Amish. Mennonites are regular people who are extremely formal. They are much like a very traditional catholic.
I, on the other hand, am from 800miles away where technology actually exists.

I cannot move back there because most German immigrant Mennonites HATE outsiders. I had to start my own retail store there and it was ridiculous. People would enter, and ask me if I speak German and I would say no and they would just huff and walk out of the store then I'd hear all around town about my stupid store that shouldn't be there. They don't like to hire you, they go silent and stare when you pass by, and they definitely don't really respect people who like music, movies, tattoos, fitness, import cars, pets, and who knows what else. Most people marry the first person they are with and they have a 10kids or so. The younger generation are becoming more normal but the Mennonites run the whole area. So no work. If you do get a job you make a max of $14 an hour
*Other reasons*: The weather is extremely horrible. Extreme as in a regular Jan, feb of -36C(-32.8F). One year they hit the record of the coldest place in the world(Excluding places where no one can live Arctic)
Cost of living: while you get paid nothing the property tax is awful. We were paying $6K/yr for a house in the suburbs. My parents own a 13-plex apartment building and it's $3K, Hydro, water, FOOD is ridiculous. $5.99 for a can of green olives.
The only people who are there are ones who were born there or ones stuck there. They have no social insurance, they have no food bank. The dating life there? Well, talk to her DAD when they are 30 if you can take her to WARKYS hotdog stand. The population of Men is 69% against woman. A lot of men there are like 40 who have never kissed a woman in their life. I heard they do have makeup though.......
Living there in the dark is not a good life choice.
Who wants to go with me? *SAMMY?*, wanna take a greyhound bus..wait, they don't have that or a city bus program, or taxi service or a police system that is open past 9pm. They do have 29 churches though. 

what sammy said: you have a boy, and he needs his Daddy
Answer: I understand that is important but my ex does not drop the ball when it comes to stuff like that. Actually she is dating this guy who I know. The guy is about 10X the pushover I am. this guy is most likely going to be with her for a decade and he's a much better supplement. My life will only get worse.

SO WHY IS SUICIDE A VITAL OPTION THEN?
My life is pathetic. I'm 35. My job, my flashy new jeep is CHARITY. my parents wanted help with their complex because they are too old to upkeep it. Sure, sometimes it'll be a a wack load of replacing flooring but in general my main job is keeping them company. My salary. Well, I can brag. I'm 35yrs old and I earn 1,500/m. WOW. I live in the tiniest apartment. It's so pathetic that I hide how bad it is by adding flashy cleverly decorations and ceiling designs LIKE THIS just in case if I have a chance that someone will actually enter the crappiest neighborhood around, I might be able to fool them into thinking I'm worth the time of day.
I have 3 contacts on my phone. My MOM, my ex, and this idiot who only calls me when he drives his wife to town and he's stuck doing nothing and wants to just waste time. Yet I keep checking it. My MOM said I'm looking like I should be in Magic Mike 3 because was broken and underweight and now I'm in great shape. My MOM, dudes. I've been screwing around for 2yrs here napping, wanting to nap, mumbling nasty comments at idiot couples holding hands. My porn collection is feminine romance complete with piano music and on the rare time I watch it I get off by imagining how soft their skin is. 

I have a bad outlook on woman and the dating game.
I'm too lonely to be able to act normal around women if they there is a chance they they will get past the hello with me. I don't have the skills to play this whole dating world game. It makes me uncomfortable. Nice guys who treat woman good are screwed over. They get cheated on by woman who go to guys who ignore them. Overly dominant men have a lot of A-hole personality traits yet this is what 95% of woman want. Being caring, or loyal, or supporting them is a poor quality in a man. I've been screwing around here for 2yrs alone. No one even looked at me because women want to be chased and they sure as hell are not going to be impressed if they find out a guy who likes affection a lot. I have no chase in me left and the longer I am single the more socially messed up I talk.

-I seen that a woman had this thing for me. It was very obvious. I small talked and passively got to know her from seeing here here and there and when I ask if she wants to chill she just says "NO". Then she's just cold the next time I say hi. Why on the earth do some woman do this crap.
-I started hanging with a woman several times who was very interested and the moment we actually get on the topic she's like "you are a really awesome guy.......I want to.......but I kind of only date black men. It do think about you though" then she does the same thing.
-I'm eating at the mall and this woman signals to talk to me. She comes over and says "can I sit with you. I have no one to talk to and you are alone. Sure, cool. We small talk and exchange numbers. I fix my nervous brain up and give her a call and we go to a couple of places she wanted. She wanted to go to this location where you can see the city. We talked for hours. She was a very respectable person. We talk on the phone a few more times, just casual. Hang out again, very mild flirting going on and after who knows how many hours then she asks me to take her to her place which I do. She's about to get out and blurts "Listen, you are so hot. Do you have a GF?". I'm relaxed, I figured she would've assumed I would be taking her places if I did, if I wanted to cheat I sure as heck wouldn't tell her. Then the next question is "you wanna come in?" I say "sure, I'll check out your pad" and she nervously blurts "Well...I've never done this before. I'm single and don't really want a relationship but I was talking about sex" and I kind of chuckle and say that I'm not really that type of guy(she obviously saw me tempted and droll thinking about it). I don't feel comfortable having sex with people I don't have strong feelings for yet. How about I just chill with you up there". You should've seen the pure disgust on her face. She said "don't you think I'm hot" I agreed "hell yes!", she says "You are so F-ed up....what guy says no. It took a lot for me to step out like that. You think you are TOO HOT for the world". "Whoa, no way. I really just don't feel comfortable with that"
Slams my door and huffs off all offended.

Even my ex said stupid crap. We were planning and talking about me flying her and my son down. Then she says she wants to see if she has feelings just in case she see's something and then we can start over.
I'm thinking "Ok, you beat me to the ground and now I'm much better. I used to weight 124lbs and now I look like a model. I am doing stuff I thought I could never do. Heck, I learned how to DANCE just because I wanted to see if it's possible(something I thought I could never do). Bettering myself every month. You jabber about crying everyday because you are lonely but don't want anyone, gain 32lbs, continuously talk about your family who does nothing but destroy the quality of your life.....yet, you think you actually are the one who has a choice"

Different crap like this just keeps happening because no one likes me EVER. They want to lick my 8-pk, they want me to be black, they wanna ignore me because they like me........jeez.

Online is worse. Millions of guys trying to sell themselves as a good catch and and 1/4 of every womans profile starts with something so negative.
"FIRST of all my children come first so if you don't understand then move on"
"If you don't like outdoors stuff like me then we are not compatible"

Oh heck, how about my ex-wife. For two yrs straight she said "Pff I'm not looking for a guy" 
One week she says "I don't want to sign the divorce papers. I just don't know why"
Next week "Mark actually asked me out. I said no"
Next week "So, you can get the papers"
Next week "Hey, last week something weird happened. I got my sex drive. Nuts, I felt like a sex crazied teen. Never had that since the honeymoon"
Next week "Just so you know I'm seeing someone"

Most of the time when a woman wants a guy she just has to stick her thumb out and BAM, the magical genie lamp brings her a guy. They don't have to play the game. And the only reason they are lonely is because they don't just walk up and say "hey, wanna go out" of they have a certain person who they can't get.
Guys have to try for everyone unless they are working with someone is "lower on the food chain". 

Damn I hate the weight of having to be a guy.

And that is why suicide is a viable solution. I'm only going to get worse and worse as I age and get nowhere. I do not do well alone and I don't think I can even keep anyone happy except an addict who wants money.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life smoking pot to hide from the fact that I am all alone and be that old pig that is 70yrs old at the end of the bar with and vintage picture that reminds him that once upon a time he had this wife. This happens all of the time. When women want a guy they got it, when guys do, sometimes they just can't do it because they suck.

the only thing I got that would change turn my pointless life is 5m inheritance which I estimate will show up in 35 more years.

Anyway, that's about the whole small skinny of my entire last 15yrs of life.


----------



## Minnion

turnera said:


> I'm really curious. What is it with your obsession about having a daughter instead of a boy and the boy being expendable? Is that a FOO issue? What was your childhood like?


There is no obsession about having a daughter but I've always assumed that it would be much easier to step up to the having a kid plate(since I never wanted them) because of the whole protective thing that fathers have over daughters.

My childhood. rough. Lots of fighting and violence and during the 90s and in this city it seemed that victims were treated like a nuisance. My parents are very well off though. I was small, ugly, too white, french last name, squeeky voice. By the time I matched the violence everyone from the gangs had already gone to college and turned into regular normal people. It took me a longtime chill down. I still have it a bit.
In my family my 9yr older sister hated my guts because she wanted a sister. Ever since I was 6yrs old she was bitter towards me. My brother is crazy trashy. He started stealing and getting into trouble from the age of 6. My parents said epilepsy messed with his head because he did weird stuff when he was young. Today, he is a cocaine addict and repeat offender.
I got into drugs(gimmie what you got) when I was 16 and I ran something of a party house when I was 18. Just a bunch of kids going there all day trying to be popular because it was close to downtown. I had a little prison time.
I always seemed to have friends though.

Overall, it was a neglected childhood but I did strive for popularity(as this is what this city demanded) and I was very known and respected during the late teens.



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Minnion, I know how deep depression feels. I've been there , twice. The first time I was single and took pills and cut my wrists. Some
> one came over to my house and saw the open bottle and my (barely) cut wrists, and took me to the hospital w.here they made me drink something to absorb the pills.
> *If your life has better than you made the right move. HOWEVER no one survives suicide who truly tries until there is a pinch of survival that they desire such as doing it so where someone will show up. You wanted help and death and did both. I would be less unsure than you as I'm calculating the odds of my life being happy through positive things. I've done business, I've done marriage, I've done popularity, etc, etc. It's my damn MOTHER. That whole "what if it changes" is so stupid for me. I tried and tried and I made mistakes but it just didn't work.*
> 
> I put myself into a center for 28 days (Insurance paid for it, thank God) and that is when my life took a turn for the better. I learned coping tools I should have learned as a child. It was like I had been given a second chance.
> *Free healthcare in Canada*
> Life was really good for many years.
> 
> The next time I contemplated suicide I was pregnant with child #3. I didn't want to kill the baby, just myself. So I hung on, and went to the doctor who gave me anti depression meds. It was like a cloud lifted off my head! I had some strange chemical things going on in my brain, combined with the stress of having 2 young children, being pregnant and my husband being gone all the time, and having to wake up at night due to his work issues as well. The pills did a miracle at the time, and then I went off them and was fine.
> *I am not mentally ill. It's not like I'm upset because nothing happened. Every move I've made in life lead to where I am now which is randomly doing crap to better myself without any valuable reward while i age. Just waiting for the day when my son is old enough to tell me that I'm such a total worthless piece of junk out of anger.*
> Your little boy needs a daddy. Do you really want him to have to feel the pain of not having a dad and having to tell people that his dad killed himself when he was just a little boy? Don't do that to him.
> *He is just under 4yrs old and I only skype with him weekly. He's so young he barely even pays attention and just runs around and jokes. I have seen him once this year, two months ago, and once last year. Soon is the best time. If I screw around and think about it or keep getting a better self image and just do do nothing I'll have a lonely, sad excuse of a life still but he will be aware enough to feel the pain. My grandmother died when I was 4. I don't even have a clue who she was and feel nothing. Whoever my wife is going to be with will be someone who will surpass everything I am worth and have to teach except my stupid motivation to look all hot and sexy with an aging face.*
> 
> Have you ever loved someone more than you loved yourself? Do that now. Love your son enough to get help, so you can live, even if you don't want to live.
> *I would take my life to save his, but I'm not going to live the rest of my life hurt and lonely. Just building up hate against woman and everything just because I got nowhere. I've been through more than enough.*
> 
> Put yourself in a rehab center. They will help you get off the drugs, help you figure out what is missing in your coping skills, teach you the skills you are missing, and teach you to value yourself as a person.
> *Weed? I started taking weed far after I've thought about this. When I started it the only difference it makes is I lose the reality for a bit. It's nearly impossible to overdose with weed. I'm not a drug person and I actually don't even believe in Tylenol.
> I'm realistic about it though. What are they going to say that is valid?
> -Suicides hurt the economy. That is the only reason.
> I don't understand that people think for some reason that NO death can be worth it. I am just considering sparing nothing but pain. Yes, I like driving, I enjoy it. I enjoy music too. I enjoy suspenseful movies but those are hardly a reason to live.
> *
> Can you get in a rehab center tomorrow?


No, I'm not going to talk to any rehab or some medical center place. I already know what they do. No matter what you say they just say life is always worth living and you have to be crazy then. They don't bother with being logical about it.
Coping with problems?

That doesn't sound like it's worth it. Great.....my life is a total drag. I dropped the ball and lose 15yrs of marriage. Before that I tried and tried, and before that I was a worthless bullied child who ended up being so damn tough that by the time I went to get my enemies they were done college, living in the suburbs all happy, and ready to call the police on me.

Rehab cannot fix that. They cannot go back in time and change it so that today is better. The only thing they can do is pill me up so I'm so emotionally suppressed and tired that I don't care. Didn't you notice that anti-depressants make you tired.
If I wanted to do that then I would just sleep 5hours a day ever few days and I would be too tired to care and I could roll through life.

Relax though. I'm not going to do nothing. I'm not spontaneous like that. It's also been a longtime since I've been thinking about it and I'm no where. I will admit if my mother was not here then that would be the last thing. She needs me. She's lonely. When I'm not there making her laugh the whole house is like a ghost. My parents do not have that "together" thing. They do their own thing in retirement. I'm stuck.


----------



## joannacroc

I think what you aren't getting is that just because your son's mother does drop the ball, or if she remarries, YOU are this little boy's father. Do you understand how damaging it will be to a that little boy to feel he has been abandoned? Do you know how happy most kids with an absent father would be to have their father there in ANY form? A child needs his father. So there's a whopping great big reason to work on yourself. I get that the worst time to be told to go see a therapist is when you're depressed, because you don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone when you're depressed. Believe me, I have been there. So you have had a bad experience with the ones you have seen. Instead of giving up on the institution, go and see someone different. You may just need to find the right fit.

A lot of the loneliness you are currently experiencing can be improved if you cope with your depression. I am similar - when my depression is untreated, I don't have the motivation to go make friends, or do activities I enjoy. Once you seek help, it becomes a lot easier to stop letting your depression and your circumstances create obstacles between you and what you want. You certainly wouldn't be the first on this forum to go back to school, or go get some extra training and reboot your career. It can be done. I can't say the negative experiences you have as a kid ever really disappear. That's not what therapy is about. It will be work, but well worth it if it means you can view yourself with respect. Please don't keep going in this limbo state. Go get help. Be there for your son, whether that means driving up to visit him more often instead of skyping, or calling more often, taking him to a museum, or whatever you want to introduce him to that you think he'd like. You have the power to have a positive influence in his life. All you have to do is be there.


----------



## imperfectworld

I hear you, man. If it helps, try a men's forum to get your story out. I'm managing to drag myself into therapy every week, but it's nice to supplement it with some online venting (but this isn't the best place for that once you get into gender disparity stuff).


----------



## turnera

Nothing's going to help you until you accept that your attitude sucks and could use an overhaul. With a professional, preferably.


----------



## Pluto2

Dude007 said:


> His depression is most likely a symptom of his actions, not a disease.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He desperately needs the help of a mental health professional.

Minion, your thought process is not rational. Please see about some help.


----------



## Sammy64

Minnion said:


> Questions you guys asked.
> 
> *Question:* Why don't you move back so you can obtain a relationship with your son?
> *Answer:* My wife is from a tiny town in the farmland plains. I'm talking small guys. When I arrived there in 2001 there was no walmart, there was no A&W. population of 1,200 and they actually called it a city. All of the surrounding little towns are OWNED by German immigrant Mennonites. Just so we are clear Mennonites are not Amish. Mennonites are regular people who are extremely formal. They are much like a very traditional catholic.
> I, on the other hand, am from 800miles away where technology actually exists.
> *I would think this is just a excuse, you have a child.. a son that will need his dad, not some other dude...
> *
> I cannot move back there because most German immigrant Mennonites HATE outsiders. ( *Are you afraid of the Amish mafia, just sounds silly to me.. again you have a son, that needs his dad* ) I had to start my own retail store there and it was ridiculous. People would enter, and ask me if I speak German and I would say no and they would just huff and walk out of the store then I'd hear all around town about my stupid store that shouldn't be there. They don't like to hire you, they go silent and stare when you pass by, and they definitely don't really respect people who like music, movies, tattoos, fitness, import cars, pets, and who knows what else. Most people marry the first person they are with and they have a 10kids or so. The younger generation are becoming more normal but the Mennonites run the whole area. So no work. If you do get a job you make a max of $14 an hour
> *Other reasons*: The weather is extremely horrible. Extreme as in a regular Jan, feb of -36C(-32.8F). One year they hit the record of the coldest place in the world(Excluding places where no one can live Arctic)
> Cost of living: while you get paid nothing the property tax is awful. We were paying $6K/yr for a house in the suburbs. My parents own a 13-plex apartment building and it's $3K, Hydro, water, FOOD is ridiculous. $5.99 for a can of green olives.
> The only people who are there are ones who were born there or ones stuck there. They have no social insurance, they have no food bank. The dating life there? Well, talk to her DAD when they are 30 if you can take her to WARKYS hotdog stand. The population of Men is 69% against woman. A lot of men there are like 40 who have never kissed a woman in their life. I heard they do have makeup though.......
> Living there in the dark is not a good life choice.
> Who wants to go with me? *SAMMY?*, wanna take a greyhound bus..wait, they don't have that or a city bus program, or taxi service or a police system that is open past 9pm. They do have 29 churches though. ( *You know what, i would go just to see. because the only thing i see are excuses* )
> 
> *what sammy said: you have a boy, and he needs his Daddy*
> Answer: I understand that is important but my ex does not drop the ball when it comes to stuff like that. Actually she is dating this guy who I know. The guy is about 10X the pushover I am. this guy is most likely going to be with her for a decade and he's a much better supplement. My life will only get worse. ( *And you are going to let some other dude raise your boy in this horrible place ?* )
> 
> SO WHY IS SUICIDE A VITAL OPTION THEN? ( *ITS NEVER AN OPTION* )
> My life is pathetic. I'm 35. My job, my flashy new jeep is CHARITY. my parents wanted help with their complex because they are too old to upkeep it. Sure, sometimes it'll be a a wack load of replacing flooring but in general my main job is keeping them company. My salary. Well, I can brag. I'm 35yrs old and I earn 1,500/m. WOW. I live in the tiniest apartment. It's so pathetic that I hide how bad it is by adding flashy cleverly decorations and ceiling designs LIKE THIS just in case if I have a chance that someone will actually enter the crappiest neighborhood around, I might be able to fool them into thinking I'm worth the time of day.
> I have 3 contacts on my phone. My MOM, my ex, and this idiot who only calls me when he drives his wife to town and he's stuck doing nothing and wants to just waste time. Yet I keep checking it. My MOM said I'm looking like I should be in Magic Mike 3 because was broken and underweight and now I'm in great shape. My MOM, dudes. I've been screwing around for 2yrs here napping, wanting to nap, mumbling nasty comments at idiot couples holding hands. My porn collection is feminine romance complete with piano music and on the rare time I watch it I get off by imagining how soft their skin is.
> 
> I have a bad outlook on woman and the dating game.
> I'm too lonely ( *Get out and do something, no one is going to hold your hand* ) to be able to act normal around women if they there is a chance they they will get past the hello with me. I don't have the skills to play this whole dating world game. It makes me uncomfortable. Nice guys who treat woman good are screwed over. ( *AGREED* ) They get cheated on by woman who go to guys who ignore them. Overly dominant men have a lot of A-hole personality traits yet this is what 95% of woman want. Being caring, or loyal, or supporting them is a poor quality in a man. I've been screwing around here for 2yrs alone. No one even looked at me because women want to be chased and they sure as hell are not going to be impressed if they find out a guy who likes affection a lot. I have no chase in me left and the longer I am single the more socially messed up I talk.
> 
> -I seen that a woman had this thing for me. It was very obvious. I small talked and passively got to know her from seeing here here and there and when I ask if she wants to chill she just says "NO". Then she's just cold the next time I say hi. Why on the earth do some woman do this crap.
> -I started hanging with a woman several times who was very interested and the moment we actually get on the topic she's like "you are a really awesome guy.......I want to.......but I kind of only date black men. It do think about you though" then she does the same thing.
> -I'm eating at the mall and this woman signals to talk to me. She comes over and says "can I sit with you. I have no one to talk to and you are alone. Sure, cool. We small talk and exchange numbers. I fix my nervous brain up and give her a call and we go to a couple of places she wanted. She wanted to go to this location where you can see the city. We talked for hours. She was a very respectable person. We talk on the phone a few more times, just casual. Hang out again, very mild flirting going on and after who knows how many hours then she asks me to take her to her place which I do. She's about to get out and blurts "Listen, you are so hot. Do you have a GF?". I'm relaxed, I figured she would've assumed I would be taking her places if I did, if I wanted to cheat I sure as heck wouldn't tell her. Then the next question is "you wanna come in?" I say "sure, I'll check out your pad" and she nervously blurts "Well...I've never done this before. I'm single and don't really want a relationship but I was talking about sex" and I kind of chuckle and say that I'm not really that type of guy(she obviously saw me tempted and droll thinking about it). I don't feel comfortable having sex with people I don't have strong feelings for yet. How about I just chill with you up there". You should've seen the pure disgust on her face. She said "don't you think I'm hot" I agreed "hell yes!", she says "You are so F-ed up....what guy says no. It took a lot for me to step out like that. You think you are TOO HOT for the world". "Whoa, no way. I really just don't feel comfortable with that"
> Slams my door and huffs off all offended.
> 
> Even my ex said stupid crap. We were planning and talking about me flying her and my son down. Then she says she wants to see if she has feelings just in case she see's something and then we can start over.
> I'm thinking "Ok, you beat me to the ground and now I'm much better. I used to weight 124lbs and now I look like a model. I am doing stuff I thought I could never do. Heck, I learned how to DANCE just because I wanted to see if it's possible(something I thought I could never do). Bettering myself every month. You jabber about crying everyday because you are lonely but don't want anyone, gain 32lbs, continuously talk about your family who does nothing but destroy the quality of your life.....yet, you think you actually are the one who has a choice"
> 
> Different crap like this just keeps happening because no one likes me EVER. They want to lick my 8-pk, they want me to be black, they wanna ignore me because they like me........jeez.
> 
> Online is worse. Millions of guys trying to sell themselves as a good catch and and 1/4 of every womans profile starts with something so negative.
> "FIRST of all my children come first so if you don't understand then move on"
> "If you don't like outdoors stuff like me then we are not compatible"
> 
> Oh heck, how about my ex-wife. For two yrs straight she said "Pff I'm not looking for a guy"
> One week she says "I don't want to sign the divorce papers. I just don't know why"
> Next week "Mark actually asked me out. I said no"
> Next week "So, you can get the papers"
> Next week "Hey, last week something weird happened. I got my sex drive. Nuts, I felt like a sex crazied teen. Never had that since the honeymoon"
> Next week "Just so you know I'm seeing someone"
> 
> Most of the time when a woman wants a guy she just has to stick her thumb out and BAM, the magical genie lamp brings her a guy. They don't have to play the game. And the only reason they are lonely is because they don't just walk up and say "hey, wanna go out" of they have a certain person who they can't get.
> Guys have to try for everyone unless they are working with someone is "lower on the food chain".
> 
> Damn I hate the weight of having to be a guy. ( *Whats the saying .. PFF! what ever* )
> 
> And that is why suicide is a viable solution ( *ITS NEVER A SOLUTION, Think about your SON...* ). I'm only going to get worse and worse as I age and get nowhere. I do not do well alone and I don't think I can even keep anyone happy except an addict who wants money.
> 
> I don't want to spend the rest of my life smoking pot to hide from the fact that I am all alone and be that old pig that is 70yrs old at the end of the bar with and vintage picture that reminds him that once upon a time he had this wife. This happens all of the time. When women want a guy they got it, when guys do, sometimes they just can't do it because they suck.
> 
> the only thing I got that would change turn my pointless life is 5m inheritance which I estimate will show up in 35 more years.
> 
> Anyway, that's about the whole small skinny of my entire last 15yrs of life.


I knew when i reply to your OP, that i was walking into something i did not want to, but did anyways. All i see are excuses from a little child, its always someone else's fault, I guess its just easier to push it off on someone else... 
I will not sugar coat this, so with that i will bow out of your thread, good luck to your son..


----------



## mrs.money

You sound like you have a lot of soul searching to do. Find a spiritual route that will ease the tension holding onto your heart. Everything will get better. Suicide does not solve anyyhing and it sounds like you want to do better. God bless.

Sent from my SGH-I317M using Tapatalk


----------



## Minnion

Pluto2 said:


> He desperately needs the help of a mental health professional.
> 
> Minion, your thought process is not *rational*. Please see about some help.


Pluto, I have REASONS why not living is more of a realistic and rational choice rather than just going through life with no true happiness.
The problem with most people who tell others they shouldn't off themselves is that they don't use reasons. They ignore bad reasons that are good enough to not exist and they ignore realistic thoughts.
They just think "no one should do it".
In simple words, they(you) do not understand the concept of SPARING trouble because you believe that no matter who it is the chance of bettering their life is just a random 50/50 chance as opposed to weighing in the chance.
Right?



Sammy64 said:


> I knew when i reply to your OP, that i was walking into something i did not want to, but did anyways. All i see are excuses from a little child, its always someone else's fault, I guess its just easier to push it off on someone else...
> I will not sugar coat this, so with that i will bow out of your thread, good luck to your son..


I already know what you are trying to say. You are trying to say I don't think straight, I make no sense, and maybe I'm not a good guy. 
Obviously I know this. Everyone who I talk to that I know does see oddness but in general most people like me. Anyone who gets to know me agrees with you fully. You don't have to act so surprised. this is exactly the type of thing that people would say if they knew me well because my life is a big fat, 2naps a day to avoid the endlessness, 3hr workout, and the 4hr high binge which usually it in the summer because there are so many damn couples out there.

I don't care if someone uses the big "cowardly suicide" line. I know I'm a coward. 

I refuse to accept the responsibility of feeling horrible for the rest of my life because the value of my life is total crap and can never be self fulfillment or satisfaction beyond an excellent tasting piece of cake or something stupid like that.
I have to THINK about it.

I've eliminated all of the reasons not to but one. 6months after the separation and I knew I was stuck in this crap forever. Pain, used to scare me and it still does a lot but I a deadbeat like me, it's what I deserve anyway.
Oh hell, I'm stuck anyway. My mother is the ONLY restriction to my decision. Her mother lived to 94, my moms sister is 87. Ok, 
My plan will be in 35yrs....of course I have less time than that myself.

To whoever has that thought where no one should ever commit suicide and everyone should just feel horrible all day long for the rest of my life. Don't worry, I'm stuck.

Last note:
Remember I said I was not spontaneous and won't off myself. Well, that was proven even today because i had a chance to and everyone would have thought its an accident. I installing laminate flooring and cutting to size it to the floor. I got to the stove plug in and the cord was going straight into the floor so obviously I have to cut right around it.....with a fully metal untility knife(I recommend not doing that).
That's not like a plug socket. That's a 220volt. I was fully aware of how quick that would be.
Yet, I didn't.
It's because of my mother so relax.

I just want to talk but if you guys get all stressed out then obviously a person who wants to off themselves is going to reply more intense emotions. If the topic is getting unacceptable then someone will close it and then whatever. I'll decide to workout, or nap, or smoke weed, or play video games, or wish that it was different, or whatever.


----------



## Minnion

mrs.money said:


> You sound like you have a lot of soul searching to do. Find a spiritual route that will ease the tension holding onto your heart. Everything will get better. Suicide does not solve anyyhing and it sounds like you want to do better. God bless.
> 
> Sent from my SGH-I317M using Tapatalk


But I've tried for so long. try and fumble, try and fumble. Eventually you have to just count the odds as every time you fumble you are worse off than before.
Suicide doesn't solve anything. That's true. It ends all good and all bad though.
It only takes that one great thing worth living to outweigh the bad.
Currently and predictably the bads outweigh the goods by a landslide.
The goods....huh....my body looks good? if that's stuff to be fulfilling inside. It's pretty shallow. My ride _was _nice......that doesn't mean anything. I am very skilled with one the spot humor? what the the heck. that's what I got.


----------



## unbelievable

Your choice, but if you off yourself you greatly increase the odds that your son will also commit suicide. You may feel you have earned the ultimate punishment but what has he done to deserve it? Your problems would be over but he'll be carrying that heavy crap the rest of his life and he's done nothing to deserve it. 

Ultimately, you are who you wish to be. If you aren't happy or proud of the man that you are, then be a man you can be proud of. We all make mistakes but we don't have to be slaves to them. If your ex is piece of work, more the reason you need to stick around so your son has decent adult in his life. You may not have him with you right now but that could change whether you are ready or not.
Sooner or later, your child will decide who he will have a relationship with. He will decide who his children (yeah, your unborn grandkids) will have a relationship with. Screwing up a few years is sad but it's not fatal and it doesn't mean you are destined to keep screwing up. Living is hard sometimes but that's the only way to experience the good stuff. I've been down and I've been seriously suicidal but I'm awfully glad I didn't go through with it. I wouldn't have three great kids and four awesome grandkids if I did. I'm sure there are more great things waiting down the road that I can't even imagine. If God doesn't want you around, He knows how to take you out and He doesn't need your assistance. He must have some special plan for you and for some reason you need to go through some darkness first to get ready for what He has in mind. Life looked like a bunch of random crap when I was young but at my age, I can see the bad, dark times were exactly what I needed to prepare me for something great later on. Even if you don't believe in a God, you can look around and see that things happen for a reason. Fun, easy, times don't build strong men. Tough times are how we learn and grow. They teach us patience, humility, compassion, and wisdom. Your kid is going to need a dad with all that. Maybe some day he'll make mistakes and be in a deep funk. Survive this and you'll know how to be exactly what he needs at that moment.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

I don't know that anyone can talk you out of your decision. I see you believe you're acting rationally, so why would you believe otherwise. You see the negative in most things and probably have rewired your brain to pick up in the bad and discount the good. Our brains are very plastic that way.

There are a lot of people on TAM having a pretty shi*ty day at any given time. Many could benefit from antidepressants, but it's ironically hard to choose to do this when you're depressed.

If you have no attachments other than your mom, you are actually freer than most of us to make any number of positive changes in your life. But you have to realize you are free to do this, want to do it, and actually take action. Since you're depressed I doubt you'll do this,

Personally I do have an expiration date on me - I just can't make out the year. Do I have 5 good years left? 8? Maybe, heaven forbid 12-15? IDK. My cancer isn't curable but the medications are changing. So I hope I live to get my littlest all the way through college. We'll see. I have 5 kids and none are in college yet.

I was pissed, sad, grief stricken, whatever the cycle is supposed to be I guess I went through it. Now I'm ok. I work out but am still way overweight and envy your physical shape and dedication to working out. How about that - I envy you.

So you can do something about this. But you have to want to. And get up. And look around and see what is beautiful in the world - or at least not shi*ty. And talk to people even if you keep getting shut down.

We all have a past. Your marriage is there. It's not your future.

IDK - seems to me like you are working pretty hard every single day to keep your life shi*ty. Maybe just stop doing that and see what happens.


----------



## Adelais

Minnion said:


> Didn't you notice that anti-depressants make you tired.
> If I wanted to do that then I would just sleep 5hours a day ever few days and I would be too tired to care and I could roll through life.


I did feel kind of "foggy" with them, and a bit tired. It took a while to notice the fogginess, though, because I was so glad to not be so depressed and negative. I got off them ASAP because of the tiredness.

A few years later I went on a different one for anxiety, after my husband's adultery. Those didn't make me tired, bit calmed me down. The side effect was jaw clenching in my sleep. My jaw is ruined now, from TMJ. I've been off that one for several years, and feel great. If it takes a pill to get me through the worst of times, it is worth it for me.

As I read your life experiences, I noticed that you are very much a loner, and don't seem interested in people in general, but are interested in hooking up with a woman. I was going to suggest that you get involved with a local ministry for the homeless, or find some other service where you can help people less fortunate than you.

Then I saw that you were helping your mother and that she gives you a bit of a feeling of purpose.

It is great that you are serving your mother. You should look into some organizations that serve the needy. It would get you outside of yourself, and bless others as well as you.

That really is the key to getting out of a rut: meaningful, selfless interaction with others, with no expectation of getting something back. The surprise is that when you don't expect something back, you get a big something that is better than what you would have even wanted.

I understand your reasons for not wanting to go back to where your son lives. We have a lot of Mennonite people where I live. When I wear a long dress they are friendly to me. When I am in pants, I am invisible. It is very strange. They are afraid of people who they perceive are "in the world."

Don't worry about your small house. Work on yourself, and the material things will come.


----------



## Minnion

unbelievable said:


> Your choice, but if you off yourself you greatly increase the odds that your son will also commit suicide. You may feel you have earned the ultimate punishment but what has he done to deserve it? Your problems would be over but he'll be carrying that heavy crap the rest of his life and he's done nothing to deserve it.


This and the rest of what you said is the perfect answer to give me a reason to not commit suicide no matter how awful my life is. But it's like using my son as a weapon to stale mate me. It's not exactly a success story.
If I decide to live then in twenty years I wouldn't exactly be a good success story.
Question: "How did you get through it?"
My answer: "I got stuck here because I didn't want to make a negative effect on someone I loved so I just tried to hide my real life using tricks like handouts so everyone who sees me would think I'm doing well in life. Then I made sure they didn't get close enough to notice it."
It's awful. This is the reason why I'm stuck. Everything could be better but I'm stuck because of stuff like that.

Of course the effect of me dying will screw him bad, but if I live I seriously doubt that the next 30yrs of strife and worthlessness on a stalemate is going to not mess up my personality or reckless behavior. He's going to live through that too.
Dad is a pathetic, careerless, waste of human life. No one likes him who knows him beyond apprentice. He spent his life hiding it because there was no way out of his problems. He's a mess and all of the suffering has turned him viciously messed up. He solved most of his issues only to find out that the solution was out of his hand(I DID THAT).



TheTruthHurts said:


> There are a lot of people on TAM having a pretty shi*ty day at any given time. Many could benefit from antidepressants, but it's ironically hard to choose to do this when you're depressed.


That's not a solution though. That is what the gov't gives so that people just won't think about being depressed based on their problem.
Anti-depressants dull your emotion by blocking your awareness. They make you too TIRED to care that your life sucks so bad. In rude terms, they make you ignorant and too STUPID to notice. This is why highly intelligent people often do not cope with life crippling stress. On the other hand unintelligent people accept the world as it spins much better.
I don't want to have a horrible life and be ok with it. I want fulfillment and contentment. If wanted what you are saying then I would go three doors down to that crackhouse and get 3gram and stuff it in me and wake up drolling for the rest of my life.
Or there is always that H.A Fullpatch guy across the street. He's a nice guy but I'm sure if I knocked him out I'm sure his his chapter would dummy me for life.

Yeah, medication, becoming retarded from a mild overdose or getting your head beat with a bat would fix my motivation. It's not what I want though.

Sidenote for for educational purposes:
This is why it's more common that you'll see extremely successful athletes(physical pain sports/ HOCKEY/Boxing) who are amazing yet you wonder how they can be SO stupid. Have you seen Mike tysons interviews at any age? You'd think he wouldn't be able to tie his shoes.
This is not a solution to be happy.
If you have no attachments other than your mom, you are actually freer than most of us to make any number of positive changes in your life. But you have to realize you are free to do this, want to do it, and actually take action. Since you're depressed I doubt you'll do this,



TheTruthHurts said:


> Personally I do have an expiration date on me - I just can't make out the year. Do I have 5 good years left? 8? Maybe, heaven forbid 12-15? IDK. My cancer isn't curable but the medications are changing. So I hope I live to get my littlest all the way through college. We'll see. I have 5 kids and none are in college yet. I was pissed, sad, grief stricken, whatever the cycle is supposed to be I guess I went through it. Now I'm ok. I work out but am still way overweight and envy your physical shape and dedication to working out. How about that - I envy you.


. 
You face much more of an unconquerable enemy than I do. If there was anything I could do I would. I'm sure you hear this all of the time but one more won't hurt. Obviously you are exhausting every possible solution and even as far as unethical "doctors don't want you to know" attempts. You are doing the most honorable thing by using your time wisely(wait....Don't spend like 5hrs a day at this forum if you do)



TheTruthHurts said:


> So you can do something about this. But you have to want to. And get up. And look around and see what is beautiful in the world - or at least not shi*ty. And talk to people even if you keep getting shut down.
> We all have a past. Your marriage is there. It's not your future.
> IDK - seems to me like you are working pretty hard every single day to keep your life shi*ty. Maybe just stop doing that and see what happens.


Here's the crazy thing. this whole divorce thing happened I took all of the problems I had that have a negative effect on my life then I fixed a ton of them then......well nothing that truly matters helped. We'll use the in shape thing.

Before: I had a low self image. It was totally manageable but still awful. It even affected my posture. It also effected the way people talked to me(NOT IN MY HEAD). Often I would catch people talking like they didn't think I was worth the time when I didn't even know them. It did affect stuff. If I was an amazing worker it took a long time to be recognized and sometimes through much of peoples' disbelieve. Eventually it couldn't be hidden in time but that still sucks. That is just one example but this happened with a lot of stuff. So I did the realistic thing, not make big noise. Try not the stand out. and defiantly don't start dancing in public!(the dancing thing you'll get in a second)

Today: I'm not going to lie because I'm still noticing the difference. I can bounce a bit with my ipod walking around and there is really no reason to think that people will have a negative thought about it because I feel that no matter what they say their mind will determine that I am the type of person who has the discipline to increase his self value throughout life. It's "actually" noticeable when people do talk to me. For example: Instead of cashiers just saying "alright, your next, what do you want(food)?" and hear what I want they actually LISTEN to what I want. There are hundreds of benefits.
Also, it's really not that much effort other than time because there are so many positive results that it drives the motivation to even the tough stuff like jamming calories until I am SO full. My knowledge of nutrition is ridiculous. 2yrs ago I was the average, get whatever, I'm too thin so try to get fatter stuff. I learned high density food choices, and balancing fiber, carb, protein, and calories strictly and I barely pay attention. It feels like I learned it overnight and now I just automatically know without looking at ingredients.
It's the same as someone who gets a raise then works real hard. Get a raise every week and he'll never get tired. It's a total game changer. 

What's the problem: I wanted to change my self image, the way people looked at me, my posture, health dizzyiness and the others which it did. BUT the whole main goal was that all of these hundreds of positive things that change me allow me to be more Lovable?...hmm, that's not the word. More successful in a positive and happy relationship because this is what I need to be happy.

It didn't make things worse but it waved the "Almost worked" because I'm so lonely that it illuminates negative signals to people who go beyond the initial beginning. I gave examples but one more won't hurt. I was helping these guys move into an apt(it's part of my job). They were nice but I don't really talk personal with the tenants. Throughout the month I seen them and had a few basic conversations. Then suddenly one guy says "I didn't want to ask you before but I got this weird feeling that you are not alright. You never said anything. Just a vibe".
People catch that undesirable lonely vibe.
And THAT is why there are woman who have a thing for me or sometimes wanna get freaky only for their own shallow confident boost or thrill(which is not wrong). They don't want the real me because I'm not worth anything for real.
So that's why I said it's all FAKE. I solved a bunch of problems and I'm truly running out of things to fix that matter. In a month, my worst problem is going to be that that my fridge rings a bit when the motor runs(seriously).

Lastly and most important, being lonely, I would rather woman try to use me and me saying no than no one spitting in my direction but it's so torturing.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

Minnion said:


> Suddenly she didn't really have any use of me at his age of 3months(funny exactly the time when his crib was out of our room). The only thing that made her happy about me was if it was related to my son.


yep that's it for you.
why should she bother fighting her emotional state to make the marriage survive, whats her profit?

- -
for yourself. baby steps.
yes, lots excuses we all have them.

You have to start finding things that make you feel better about yourself or else you won't feel better about yourself - and I'm not talking props and distractions that numb you or relieve things momentarily, but small things that improve things in your life. Things that will are worthwhile and make you more popular, richer, more respected, will actually make you feel more successful; and if *you* are the one who does the little things to bring these things into your life - then you will feel empowered over taking power over your life's challenges, and that will make you feel like a better person. I think, from the language I have used, the reason for these things are clear, and the result from not doing these things...obvious. Unfortunately you are the only one who can decide which goalposts are actually worthwhile to you.


----------



## Minnion

To be honest and hopefully not offensive, I don't have a very good outlook on anything the gov't comes out with. Get the impression that the gov't puts out drugs to get people stuck on them. There were times where doctors have promoted pills for NO reason at all without having a clue what they are and they accidentally said the gov't is pushing to release them to people. The gov't profits from the medical industry.
I'm one of those guys that people yell at who believes that a lot of vaccinations are specifically designed to cause things like diabetes. TOTALLY OFF TOPIC. sorry.

Another thing is a lot of people say they 



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I noticed that you are very much a loner, and don't seem interested in people in general, but are interested in hooking up with a woman. I was going to suggest that you get involved with a local ministry for the homeless, or find some other service where you can help people less fortunate than you.


No reason to hide that. I never was a clubber and I would hate sitting in a car full of people. I am a loner. I would be happy to have a few close friends and some lesser close but probably not happy with tens of people who independently hang out with me. Not really a movie theater type either, smaller restaurants preferably, so that's obvious.
I defiantly need a woman in my life but not hooking up(like sex). I need the emotional attachment, affection giving, and all of that relationship stuff with that *one *person that I can share it with. I like greedy intimacy and LOTS(like the typical young man) but only someone I have feelings for.
Just wanted to clarify, I'm not a player. A one-night stand is not even comfortably possible. I don't know very many woman who are would thing that it was a sexually exciting time with a shaking, stuttering, nervous, and feeling guilty one-night stand man.

Doing charity is a good way to fill in the time. I think it would be beneficial but I'm too much of an inner mess to get into that. I do fill my time up with basic things but there is an emptiness in my day which allows lots of room. Bachelor life makes it impossible to not have a perfectly clean place.


----------



## unbelievable

How did I get through it? I guess I took my focus off myself and onto the impact it would have on those I love. I also set small goals for myself and met them. Each time I did, it gave me a little success and something to be proud of. The next goal was easier to meet and after a while things were better and the future brighter. I wouldn't recommend my way at all. I was afraid to reach out to get help. I'm a cop and I feared it would be the end of my job if I got help. Probably why so many cops kill themselves. Now, people have more sense and there is no shame in getting help. Almost all of us need a little at some point in our lives. Life isn't Disneyworld for anyone their entire life. When you're in the funk, though, it does seem like you're the only one there and like life will never get better. There are meds for that and there are professionals who know how to help you get out of that hole. 

You'll find that your loneliness isn't your primary problem. Depression is. If you can't love yourself nobody else is going to. Work on you, get back in control of your life and you will have your pick of interested women. If you don't even know that you want to exist what do you have to offer someone else? First things first. Get to a mental health professional and get a handle on this depression/suicide thing. It's not who you are, it's just a temporary condition you just happen to have at the moment. Be completely honest with those professionals and work hard and getting back where you mentally need to be. 

If your kid was in a house that was on fire, there's not a doubt in my mind that you'd be brave enough to put your fears aside and do what you could to save him. He's in very real danger right now of not only losing his father but of being emotionally and mentally crippled by your suicide. Your decision to off yourself is basically a decision to kill him, too. Living is hard on occasion but you wouldn't passively sit and watch your own son suck a pistol. I think you owe that kid a little something more than that. Somewhere, there's a woman absolutely perfect for you and you're going to be absolutely perfect for her. You're going to rob her of the opportunity of meeting you? There might be two or three more kids who are supposed to be born. You're going to rob them of a chance to live? You didn't ask to be here and you don't know why you're here. There is a reason for all of it. You are a unique puzzle piece and nobody else can entirely replace who and what you're supposed to be. You don't like yourself much right now, so for all those other completely blameless people, get yourself to a doc and get some help. I used to think the worst fate for a parent would be to bury their child but to bury one because they committed suicide would be even more traumatic. Do your parents deserve that?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

unbelievable said:


> How did I get through it? I guess I took my focus off myself and onto the impact it would have on those I love. I also set small goals for myself and met them. Each time I did, it gave me a little success and something to be proud of. The next goal was easier to meet and after a while things were better and the future brighter. I wouldn't recommend my way at all. I was afraid to reach out to get help. I'm a cop and I feared it would be the end of my job if I got help. Probably why so many cops kill themselves. Now, people have more sense and there is no shame in getting help. Almost all of us need a little at some point in our lives. Life isn't Disneyworld for anyone their entire life. When you're in the funk, though, it does seem like you're the only one there and like life will never get better. There are meds for that and there are professionals who know how to help you get out of that hole.
> 
> You'll find that your loneliness isn't your primary problem. Depression is. If you can't love yourself nobody else is going to. Work on you, get back in control of your life and you will have your pick of interested women. If you don't even know that you want to exist what do you have to offer someone else? First things first. Get to a mental health professional and get a handle on this depression/suicide thing. It's not who you are, it's just a temporary condition you just happen to have at the moment. Be completely honest with those professionals and work hard and getting back where you mentally need to be.
> 
> If your kid was in a house that was on fire, there's not a doubt in my mind that you'd be brave enough to put your fears aside and do what you could to save him. He's in very real danger right now of not only losing his father but of being emotionally and mentally crippled by your suicide. Your decision to off yourself is basically a decision to kill him, too. Living is hard on occasion but you wouldn't passively sit and watch your own son suck a pistol. I think you owe that kid a little something more than that. Somewhere, there's a woman absolutely perfect for you and you're going to be absolutely perfect for her. You're going to rob her of the opportunity of meeting you? There might be two or three more kids who are supposed to be born. You're going to rob them of a chance to live? You didn't ask to be here and you don't know why you're here. There is a reason for all of it. You are a unique puzzle piece and nobody else can entirely replace who and what you're supposed to be. You don't like yourself much right now, so for all those other completely blameless people, get yourself to a doc and get some help. I used to think the worst fate for a parent would be to bury their child but to bury one because they committed suicide would be even more traumatic. Do your parents deserve that?


MInnion,

Do me a favor and listen to Unbelievable. He has seen it all, been in war, is a police officer (I think higher than that actually) and been through many relationships. He's still alive, doing his thing, Listen to him. PLEASE. Suicide is a permanent ending to a temporary problem.

*Please call the National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255*

They can talk you through things but more importantly can give you names of therapists and doctors who will work with you for free or very, very low cost. I have friends who volunteer there and they are the least judgemental and awesome people on the planet. Call them. They will change your life by hooking you up with resources you need.


----------



## turnera

Minnion, do you volunteer anywhere?


----------



## Adelais

Your are already self medicating with pot. And you are here, talking with people about your pain.

You instinctively know you need to slow down your brain (hence the pot) and you are yearning for interaction from people and asking for advice on how to improve your situation.

Our advice is only from our own experiences. You need someone who is an expert in depression, and emotional trauma, social anxiety, etc. who has the knowledge and tools to help you with your particular situation.

Minion, how is your relationship with God? God will not only give your strength, He will *be* your strength and carry you when you can no longer go on. If you are willing to give yourself completely to God and His will, you might begin to see some doors opening that you hadn't seen before.

You need 3 things:

1. Medication to slow your brain down a bit so you can think clearly, but enough not make you a zombie. You need to stop self medicating with pot. It is messing with your mind, not improving it. You could be using the $ you spend on pot to improve your life in other ways. Heck, you could be putting it in the bank to buy something that you have really wanted. You would get good feelings from watching that $ grow, and then would feel great when you could buy that thing.

2. Psychiatric help. Someone who is outside of your head who can help you identify issues, hurts, dreams, desires and help you make a plan and stick to it so you can become a happier and more loving person.

3. God. Life is meaningless without God. Without Him, you live, toil, die and are nothing. However, that story isn't completely true. The truth is, after you die, there isn't nothing, there is eternity and you either spend it away from God's presence, or with Him. The first option is lonely and terrible, while the other is loving and wonderful. Knowing you have a choice where you will spend eternity, and chosing to be with God, gives hope, even when life is hard.


----------



## Adelais

Minnion said:


> No reason to hide that. I never was a clubber and I would hate sitting in a car full of people. I am a loner. I would be happy to have a few close friends and some lesser close but probably not happy with tens of people who independently hang out with me. Not really a movie theater type either, smaller restaurants preferably, so that's obvious.
> 
> You are right: clubbing or sitting in a room full of people who you don't know and who don't know you is not the same thing as "relationship" with people. You need to find a few things you like, that don't involve shallow social niceties. Consider activities that are about helping others, like working at a homeless shelter, or packing "Action Packs" at a church, where you can feel like you are doing something worthwhile. Deeper relationships with healthy people take time and repeated healthy interactions, maintaining healthy boundaries.
> 
> I defiantly need a woman in my life but not hooking up(like sex). I need the emotional attachment, affection giving, and all of that relationship stuff with that *one *person that I can share it with. I like greedy intimacy and LOTS(like the typical young man) but only someone I have feelings for.
> Just wanted to clarify, I'm not a player. A one-night stand is not even comfortably possible. I don't know very many woman who are would thing that it was a sexually exciting time with a shaking, stuttering, nervous, and feeling guilty one-night stand man.
> 
> Doing charity is a good way to fill in the time. I think it would be beneficial but I'm too much of an inner mess to get into that. I do fill my time up with basic things but there is an emptiness in my day which allows lots of room. Bachelor life makes it impossible to not have a perfectly clean place.




You need to engage in purposeful activities with people at least a couple of times a week. Just helping once at a homeless shelter won't do much good.

You might find people who are "friend worthy" who are also volunteering, at a 12 step program (join one to get off the pot) or even at your club. Look for relationships with men, and stay away from women who are too friendly until you learn good boundaries.

Your story about a woman who wanted to come to your place and then wanted to have sex (but you didn't) had tons of red flags. You should not be upset she thought you were weird and left. You dodged a bullet. Give yourself credit for that. You probably have dodged a lot of bullets because you are not into shallow sexual contact with women.

Develop friendships with men. When you are healthy, the right healthy woman will notice you.


----------



## hotshotdot

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Minnion said:
> 
> 
> 
> Didn't you notice that anti-depressants make you tired.
> If I wanted to do that then I would just sleep 5hours a day ever few days and I would be too tired to care and I could roll through life.
> 
> 
> 
> I did feel kind of "foggy" with them, and a bit tired. It took a while to notice the fogginess, though, because I was so glad to not be so depressed and negative. I got off them ASAP because of the tiredness.
> 
> A few years later I went on a different one for anxiety, after my husband's adultery. Those didn't make me tired, bit calmed me down. The side effect was jaw clenching in my sleep. My jaw is ruined now, from TMJ. I've been off that one for several years, and feel great. If it takes a pill to get me through the worst of times, it is worth it for me.
> 
> As I read your life experiences, I noticed that you are very much a loner, and don't seem interested in people in general, but are interested in hooking up with a woman. I was going to suggest that you get involved with a local ministry for the homeless, or find some other service where you can help people less fortunate than you.
> 
> Then I saw that you were helping your mother and that she gives you a bit of a feeling of purpose.
> 
> It is great that you are serving your mother. You should look into some organizations that serve the needy. It would get you outside of yourself, and bless others as well as you.
> 
> That really is the key to getting out of a rut: meaningful, selfless interaction with others, with no expectation of getting something back. The surprise is that when you don't expect something back, you get a big something that is better than what you would have even wanted.
> 
> I understand your reasons for not wanting to go back to where your son lives. We have a lot of Mennonite people where I live. When I wear a long dress they are friendly to me. When I am in pants, I am invisible. It is very strange. They are afraid of people who they perceive are "in the world."
> 
> Don't worry about your small house. Work on yourself, and the material things will come.
Click to expand...

This is great advice. As someone who has said been to the deepest darkest places I understand what it feels like to be in the position that you think ending your life is best. I had plenty of reasons for thinking I was doing everyone a favor & making their life easier by removing myself from this Earth. When you are in that dark lonely place it is easy to find reasons why suicide is the answer. But you only need ONE reason to go on living - your son. Don't take away his chance to know his father. You have no idea how much that may mean to him someday. It's human nature to want to learn about our roots. He will want to know you, know what traits he inherited from you, etc. Don't take that option away from him. 

Another thing you should know (I wish I had known long ago), is that once you've been so depressed that you have suicidal thoughts, your brain will find it's way back there much easier. I had a hard time recently where we suffered a tragedy in our community (I was not effected but many friends & neighbors were) & I spent a couple weeks on overdrive helping in the disaster response. When the fire was over & life (for me) went back to normal, I became very depressed. There were some other personal factors involved but it's not unusual for trauma workers to suffer depression after the trauma has passed. Anyway, I started having suicidal thoughts. I hadn't had thoughts like that in a long time, my life was good & certainly way better than it was a few years before & yet I still had recurring thoughts about why my death would be a good thing. I could talk myself out of it easily enough (it only takes ONE reason to stick around), & I didn't really want to die (maybe run away lol), but the thought of wishing something bad would happen to me kept creeping back even though I knew it was not rational. So I called my Dr. I've never been medicated for depression before but I needed help. That's when I learned that because I'd been there before (depression w/suicidal thoughts) my brain was now wired to take that pathway when I became depressed. 

Please seek some professional help. You may have plenty of reasons why death is the answer, but there are plenty of reasons why it isn't. You need to accept that you need help to get out of this dark place. You know you've got better places to be but your depression is keeping you from getting there by bombarding you with thoughts & feelings that bring you down. Antidepressants will help you focus on the good things & your goals. You may not have any goals right now because you're so down but you will find a PURPOSE when you start getting treatment for the depression. It's that purpose which will then keep you moving in a positive direction. You just need a little help getting started. I hope you call your Dr today, the sooner you get help the sooner you will feel better (it takes weeks for antidepressants to work so start right away)!


----------



## Minnion

turnera said:


> Minnion, do you volunteer anywhere?


No, I don't. It's actually something that didn't even cross my mind until you mentioned it. When my wheels turn on the idea I do feel that I would be very good at helping people who need physical therapy. I think that, secretly, it would help my own mental health. There is something special about helping people.
This is nothing I can do now though because I'm a mess.



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Minion, how is your relationship with God? God will not only give your strength, He will *be* your strength and carry you when you can no longer go on. If you are willing to give yourself completely to God and His will, you might begin to see some doors opening that you hadn't seen before.


I didn't talk about God because it really splits a crowd up like this one. I know and believe much of the bible but I feel that some people are more worthy of blessings than others based on how much spiritual power they have. In the past God has given me ways out of tough situations and offered solutions to problems. Offered as in allowing me to know "HOW" to fix them and maybe a little push but effort must be by my self.

Being a christian and building a relationship with God but not fix your life because of the whole Adam/Eve circumstance of being born after. Christianity does not make someone a better person. No way. It does offer a way to isolate yourself away from sins that degrade the quality of your life though.
I'm not a church go-er and have a lot of negative opinions about the whole corruption of this church empire. Still, it's main purpose is good enough to go, regardless that it seems "EVERYONE" uses it for profit and free world trips, reputation, and what not. 
I have a problem that I HATE which collides with going to church. This is going to be a laughing thing for you. MY HAIR. I have progressively lost my hair in the past 3yrs. The moment I don't have something covering my melon, I instantly feel like yesterdays' new. I cannot wear a hat in any church. People will not respect that. I've tried every one of my FAKE tricks to hide it and it worked until last year.......ha, stupid reason huh.
Talking to God is good, the bible is good.
Talking and listening to other christians SUCKS. It seems like they all use hooks with religion. I can't stand christians. I've met only a few in my life that were not exploiting it for their personal benefit. Women, money, trips, power, authority, reputation, control over marriage, justification for parenting methods. It's ridiculous!!!!
You KNOW what my talking about.



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> 1. Medication to slow your brain down a bit so you can think clearly, but enough not make you a zombie. You need to stop self medicating with pot. It is messing with your mind, not improving it. You could be using the $ you spend on pot to improve your life in other ways. Heck, you could be putting it in the bank to buy something that you have really wanted. You would get good feelings from watching that $ grow, and then would feel great when you could buy that thing.


It's not rare to go months without it. Also, I am given an unlimited amount of it for free. It's brought straight to my door when I want it. Pot is something you wouldn't be able to convince me into. I don't believe that it's bad for you. I actually believe the opposite.....of course nothing done excessive is good for you and pot is something that you put in your blood stream so.........



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> 2. Psychiatric help. Someone who is outside of your head who can help you identify issues, hurts, dreams, desires and help you make a plan and stick to it so you can become a happier and more loving person.


There is nothing wrong with me. The world sucks all around is what is wrong and I just happen to have been through the tornado a lot more times than a lot of people.
Take a look around at how everything works. It awful. 



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Develop friendships with men. When you are healthy, the right healthy woman will notice you.


There is not enough TIME left.

much later today I will talk about my coping methods. Still, a defeated thought, It won't be as harsh as my earlier posts.


----------



## turnera

Minnion said:


> No, I don't. It's actually something that didn't even cross my mind until you mentioned it. When my wheels turn on the idea I do feel that I would be very good at helping people who need physical therapy. I think that, secretly, it would help my own mental health. There is something special about helping people.
> This is nothing I can do now though because I'm a mess.


Aside from therapy and exercise, it's the single most important thing you can do to start feeling better, having hope - helping someone (or something) else. If you don't feel like being around other people, find your nearest animal shelter. They ALWAYS need people to help take the dogs out and walk them, and it makes the dogs VERY happy!


----------



## Adelais

Minnion said:


> When my wheels turn on the idea I do feel that I would be very good at helping people who need physical therapy. I think that, secretly, it would help my own mental health. There is something special about helping people.
> This is nothing I can do now though because I'm a mess.
> 
> Start looking for ways to do that. Do you have a local community college? You could knock out the preliminary courses toward becoming a physical therapist an not spend too much. You'd feel better and better knocking out a couple of classes each semester.
> 
> and splitting up my sleeping time to multiple naps instead of sleeping once through the night.
> 
> When I was in the treatment center for depression over two decades ago, the first thing they did was put me on a regular schedule for sleeping. In bed, lights out by 11 p.m., up by 7 a.m.. Having a regular schedule, which allows for enough sleep is necessary for mental health. Everyone had to follow that schedule. Healthy eating was also very important. You have said you have the eating under control, but your sleep seems to need work.
> 
> I'm not a church go-er and have a lot of negative opinions about the whole corruption of this church empire. Still, it's main purpose is good enough to go, regardless that it seems "EVERYONE" uses it for profit and free world trips, reputation, and what not.
> 
> Have you been in every church, and know EVERYONE? If everyone were perfect, Jesus wouldn't have had to die. Jesus came for the broken. Those broken sinners are sitting in churches, right next to the other sinners.
> 
> It can be a painful process finding a healthy, biblical church. Sometimes the problems aren't evident until you've been there a while. But if the problems are morally based and are found in the leadership ($money grabbers, manipulators, liars, oppressors, etc.) then you have to leave the friends you've come to love and try a different church with hopes that they have the basics right.
> 
> You are going to have to stop judging everyone and find a place where the bad is outweighed by the good. Start looking for a church where you feel you are learning about God, and that encourages you to grow. No one is perfect, and if you want to not be judged and rejected by healthy loving people, then you are going to have to get over your own prejudices as well. We have a big guy in our church who sits in the front row who has huge gauges, tattoos all over, shaved head, sloppy clothes, etc. He LOVES Jesus. I know nothing about his heart except that he is there to learn about Jesus, and brings his family to church with him. My family and I have learned to not judge the people sitting in church by what they look like. God doesn't do that. He looks at the heart.
> 
> I have a problem that I HATE which collides with going to church. This is going to be a laughing thing for you. MY HAIR. I have progressively lost my hair in the past 3yrs. The moment I don't have something covering my melon, I instantly feel like yesterdays' new. I cannot wear a hat in any church. People will not respect that. I've tried every one of my FAKE tricks to hide it and it worked until last year.......ha, stupid reason huh.
> 
> I am not laughing at you for being self conscious about your hair. My own hair is thinning at 55, and I think about it every morning when I style it. No bald spots (thank God) but I wish it were thicker. I just try to make the best of it.
> 
> Have you considered shaving your head? It looks better than having a bald spot or a comb over. It also makes guys look really tough.
> 
> Talking to God is good, the bible is good.
> Talking and listening to other christians SUCKS. It seems like they all use hooks with religion. I can't stand christians. I've met only a few in my life that were not exploiting it for their personal benefit. Women, money, trips, power, authority, reputation, control over marriage, justification for parenting methods. It's ridiculous!!!!
> You KNOW what my talking about.
> 
> Actually I don't. I have known unhealthy people who were Christians and who tried to justify their beliefs using the Bible. I don't like them because of who they are. If they weren't Christians they would still be trying to control people. They just happen to be trying to use the Bible to justify their sickness.
> 
> There are even more of non Christians who are womanizers, money hungry, contollers, want fame and power, and are abusive spouses and parents. I also know plenty of humble Christians who started out as very selfish people, but who have been able to change a bit for the better with the help of God because of what they learn in the Bible.
> 
> 
> It's not rare to go months without it. Also, I am given an unlimited amount of it for free. It's brought straight to my door when I want it. Pot is something you wouldn't be able to convince me into. I don't believe that it's bad for you. I actually believe the opposite.....of course nothing done excessive is good for you and pot is something that you put in your blood stream so.........
> 
> Now that pot is legal in many states, more people will be using it, and there will be enough of a sample to begin doing studies its effects. From what I've read, it does interfere with motivation.
> 
> 
> There is nothing wrong with me. The world sucks all around is what is wrong and I just happen to have been through the tornado a lot more times than a lot of people.
> Take a look around at how everything works. It awful.
> Yes, the world does look pretty bleak depending where you are looking. But you can choose to create a positive corner for yourself to get a break from it all. Eventually you can have friends with whom you take a break from the terribleness of the world. Then you go back into it and YOU can be the light for others.
> 
> There is not enough TIME left.
> 
> You described your schedule in an earlier post. You said you sleep a lot. All you should need is 8 hours of sleep a day. You could work out fewer hours as well, and use that time to improve other areas of your life.
> 
> much later today I will talk about my coping methods. Still, a defeated thought, It won't be as harsh as my earlier posts.


 Whatever your coping methods, have you realized that they aren't working for you anymore? It is time to find new coping methods.


----------



## Minnion

Why I don't like therapy is real simple. They don't CARE. 
-Saying "The objective isn't the solve it, it's to learn to manage. It'll take 10yrs." just to profit.
-They go straight to the COPS or the HOSPITAL and then they go after you like a mafia and lock you up.
-Why would I go to someone who is trying to put me away?

The way bonding works is most women are submissive by nature and men the opposite. When couples get together and are the same it it's possible to work out. Eventually they just collide and hate each other for every little thing until it's over. This is why dominant woman(she wears the pants) tend to go for submissive men. The same can be seen clearly with gay woman. Often there is the feminine then the opposite.

*Overall, I have a horribly crappy and awful personality which is intensely appealing to woman yet makes them cringe.*(this is isolated to myself. I don't treat woman bad.)
I have extremely masculine and feminine personality traits. Both dom/sub women are put off the moment they learn a few things about me. Even if they don't sense my pathetic over-lonely screwed up personality quick enough they see odd crap like the following.
-I like fast cars, video games, am aggressive, extremely sexually open minded, Rap music, martial arts, star trek, tattoos, violent entertainment, collecting weapons, Asian woman(BAM), lifting weighes, and a bunch more. Heck, two -----weeks ago I took off the knobs of my stove and soaks them to give them that shine.

-But then romance movies, romance porn(wtf), strive to learn dancing, yoga, pink is a SUPERB color, doing the dishes and laundry(sorry if that sounds sexist but it's true. I love it)
-beauty with stuff like self manicuring my nails no with polish(of course). "Wow, nice nails" the woman says.
-with fashion I have 12 pairs of shoes and hats and match the colors
-I don't understand the concept of traditional sports. Bunch of dudes trying to stop a ball from getting in a net and getting mad when that doesn't happen because a bunch of other dudes stopped them. Then they have to fight because that's really important. 
-Jealous that woman get to have so many choices with fashion and guys don't. Don't like sex early in relationships. 

Then I have both fem and dom traits for the SAME thing
Home decorating anyone?
-warm feeling room(masculine feel to a room but men don't really pay attention to room feels)
-Love art and display to theme the room but I choose themes like New york.
-Men do not decorate with this detail unless they are submissive men and they sure as heck don't choose this layout or ceiling design.
I mean LOOK at this place: Before & After. Looks nice though huh?
-Women do not like dominant men who do crap like *this*(neat idea though huh. My own concept) and women do not like submissive men who yell at slow drivers on the road.
-listening to Ice Cube one day in my ride, then Katy Perry.
-Vicious murderous showcase tv shows like that prison OZ show but Dr Phil is pretty good too.(not that I actually schedule to watch any of these)

*Here's the BEST example ever*: While women appreciate a man who can have a 30min conversation on the appealing facial, body, and traits of Paul Walker and Brad Pitt, they don't respect it.



turnera said:


> Aside from therapy and exercise, it's the single most important thing you can do to start feeling better, having hope - helping someone (or something) else. If you don't feel like being around other people, find your nearest animal shelter. They ALWAYS need people to help take the dogs out and walk them, and it makes the dogs VERY happy!


It's kind of a sad place to spend your suicidal desired life at, don't you think?


IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Whatever your coping methods, have you realized that they aren't working for you anymore? It is time to find new coping methods.


It doesn't seem to matter what it is though. Everything I do is just to temporarily end the the loneliness but I feel that it's all unhealthy. Most things remind me of it as well. I would like to listen to music and hide out but there are simply too many pretty voices. Same for tv and everything else.

This is why a new guy is going to be able to replace me in a minute if I am gone. And my ex-wife is pretty upstanding. The guy she has is a pretty passive and respectable dude(not that they have been together long).


----------



## turnera

Minnion said:


> Why I don't like therapy is real simple. They don't CARE.


 WRONG. 

My DD25 is a psych grad student and she ABSOLUTELY does care. And so did the two therapists I used. And just about everyone else I know in the industry.

So...your opinion IS WRONG.



Minnion said:


> It's kind of a sad place to spend your suicidal desired life at, don't you think?


I absolutely do NOT think it is a sad place. It is a hopeful, joyous place to spend my life. If I had no money problems and could do whatever I wanted, I would ABSOLUTELY spend my time at animal shelters giving those dogs and cats some well-deserved human interaction so as to help them remember how to interact with humans and thus become more easily adopted.

Bottom line, YOU INTEND TO FIND FAULT with everything.

More power to you.


----------



## Minnion

turnera said:


> My DD25 is a psych grad student and she ABSOLUTELY does care. And so did the two therapists I used. And just about everyone else I know in the industry.
> So...your opinion IS WRONG.


BUT she would say that her therapy doesn't solve and you need to struggle with it for the rest of your life, and she would call the cops if you had an illegal weapon, and she would call the guys in white to lock you in a room if she knew you could kill yourself.
*right?*



turnera said:


> I absolutely do NOT think it is a sad place. It is a hopeful, joyous place to spend my life. If I had no money problems and could do whatever I wanted, I would ABSOLUTELY spend my time at animal shelters giving those dogs and cats some well-deserved human interaction so as to help them remember how to interact with humans and thus become more easily adopted.
> Bottom line, YOU INTEND TO FIND FAULT with everything.


You have been personally compromised because I don't believe your solution is mine. I wouldn't argue that it would help people such as you. No need to be offended. I'm not trying to degrade your own methods.
I'm in no condition to help people. Read the post on my personality that I just made.


----------



## turnera

Minnion said:


> BUT she would say that her therapy doesn't solve and you need to struggle with it for the rest of your life, and she would call the cops if you had an illegal weapon, and she would call the guys in white to lock you in a room if she knew you could kill yourself.
> *right?*


Absolutely not. She would not give up on you and she would continue to counsel you and fully intend to solve your problem. I've been listening to what she's been learning on just HOW to solve those problems for 7 years now. You are operating under false assumptions tainted by your wanting to believe you are a victim.

And dogs don't care if you have any kind of complex. They just want your attention. And PS: dogs aren't people.


----------



## Minnion

It's AGAINST the LAW for them to not report these kinds of things. No therapist is going to risk their career for me after they hear me talk about my personality and life.(I suppose you didn't read that up there)
All would skip the therapy, throw me to the medical center and drug me until I'm drolling. then they'd talk to me in my half asleep state once they take my license and free will and I'd smile and nod.

I don't WANT a dog for a sexual relationship partner.

The lonliness I am talking about is relationship guy/girl thing only. Not friends.


EVERYONE, I understand it always feels like a dead end in topics like this. I don't need to find a solution. Just anything on anyones mind is fine. Once the topic is dead I'll be on my way and live my life and I can make my choice whenever I feel like it. 
None of you know me and it is not your responsibility to save any and every person you come across. If you met me and got to know me you would agree deep down that suicide is definitely a possibility as the odds of succeeding are like the lotto.


----------



## Pluto2

Life is your choice.

We want you to make an informed choice and so far I've read nothing that indicates you are informed about your options, or the consequences of your decisions. Many here believe that with the proper intervention by caring professionals your current decision will change, which will, in turn alter your future for the better.

Isn't that why you came here?


----------



## Adelais

Minnion, this is a personal question, so you don't have to answer. It sounds like you have spoken with counselors before. (in prison? elsewhere?) Have you ever been given a diagnosis? Is your mentality permanent or situational?

It sounds like you don't have or understand healthy boundaries. You have to work on yourself first, and become a person that even you would like before you can expect others to like you.

If you don't have a certifiable mental illness, you can work on those things, and have a happy life for the first time in your life. However it seems you don't want to change anything in yourself.


----------



## chillymorn

News Flash........Life isn't fair.

you sound like a fairly intelligent man. be the best dad you can be weather its 800miles away or right next door. lead by example. get your life on track start saving money better yourself in other areas besides pounding the weights. read some books about accepting what's available. turn lemons into lemonade. 

or cry and moan.......the more things change the more things stay the same.

I'm not saying you didn't have obstacles to overcome but everybody is fighting some sort of battle in their life. your no exception. and you can over come all of this with the right mind set.

good luck and keep on keeping on!


----------



## Minnion

Pluto2 said:


> Isn't that why you came here?


I'm not really sure. Maybe to talk to people as opposed to this forever silence business.



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Minnion, this is a personal question, so you don't have to answer. It sounds like you have spoken with counselors before. (in prison? elsewhere?) Have you ever been given a diagnosis? Is your mentality permanent or situational?
> 
> It sounds like you don't have or understand healthy boundaries. You have to work on yourself first, and become a person that even you would like before you can expect others to like you.
> 
> If you don't have a certifiable mental illness, you can work on those things, and have a happy life for the first time in your life. However it seems you don't want to change anything in yourself.


No, I have not talked a counselor.

That's my problem. If I was 20yrs old here then there is plenty of time. I'm 35, the prime is over. The opportunities are over. There is so many years of problems hardwired that it would take too many years to fix it.
Also, if I need to rid loneliness to fix myself, but I have to be fixed to rid loneliness then you can imagine that it feels impossible. I've corrected SO much and all of it still did not reach me anywhere near closer.


----------



## Adelais

Minnion said:


> That's my problem. If I was 20yrs old here then there is plenty of time. I'm 35, the prime is over. The opportunities are over. There is so many years of problems hardwired that it would take too many years to fix it.
> 
> My husband is 54 years old, and for the first time started seeing a counselor. He was a very functional man, except in his marriage. He is also listening to CD's and reading books, and is recognizing problem areas and trying to address them. It is one baby step at a time. Just today he did one of his old behaviors, and ticked me off. It takes time. He will think about it and realize what he did was old behavior and do it less and less.
> Also, if I need to rid loneliness to fix myself, but I have to be fixed to rid loneliness then you can imagine that it feels impossible. I've corrected SO much and all of it still did not reach me anywhere near closer.
> 
> Loneliness is only one of the issues you are dealing with. You can fix that by doing some of the thins suggested here: find ways to help out at volunteer centers, go to church, help out at an animal shelter, etc.
> 
> Separate from that are the unhealthy thinking patterns you have. They will get you down more than loneliness will.
> 
> If you get healthier in your head, you won't be so desperate for a woman, but will enjoy relationships with people in general because you are choosing healthier people, and since you are healthier they will like you instead of run away from you.


----------



## Adelais

Minnion said:


> I'm 35, the prime is over.
> 
> LOL I was having my first child of 4 at 35!! My life was just beginning! Don't listen to that garbage that your life is over after 30 or 35. You will start to have some aches and pains, and it take a little longer to bounce back from physical workouts, but you do. Plus wisdom and experience far outweigh an excess of energy.
> 
> 
> The opportunities are over. There is so many years of problems hardwired that it would take too many years to fix it.
> 
> 
> This is just no true. If you don't want to change, then you won't. If you want to change, it will be work, and isn't for the faint of heart, but you can.


----------



## Adelais

Minnion said:


> No, I have not talked a counselor.


If you haven't ever talked with a counselor then how can you assume they don't care, and that they just want to keep you mentally ill and sick to make $ off you.


----------



## Minnion

ROAR, forget it. jeez.

You guys are not offering any thoughts on helping. You are trying to give me solutions so that I "learn to accept" that I'm worthless in the view of women. If there was a woman in my life then I could gracefully live through life in a civil matter and work on stuff with my son and anything that is important but there is no way I can do stuff like that while I'm draining the pain of life out with weed, multiple naps, loud music, and other escapes.

Women are always complaining. 
He ignores me, he doesn't care about my feelings, he doesn't take care of his body, he's jealous, he's controlling, he beats me, he drinks, he's obnoxious, he is uncomfortable with taking about feelings, I can't do anything with him because he only likes retarded action movies, he cheats on me, he treats me like crap, he won't make love, he stereotypes women(you must clean), all he wants is sex, he is possessive, he only thinks about himself, etc, etc

Yet these are the types of men who do well with women, then they break up and the guy is straight pushed up against another woman. 

Women meet me and they are not interested because I don't fit in any of categories above and they figure "pff, need a real man".

I see no real solution. I can't very well afford to pay for a girlfriend for some fake happiness to maybe push my confidence level enough to get on the right path. And I sure as hell can't do any of that horrible stuff up there.

Well, it's ok. We talked about it anyway.



> If you haven't ever talked with a counselor then how can you assume they don't care, and that they just want to keep you mentally ill and sick to make $ off you.


Because there is a personal benefit of of profit. I already said that counseling is not for curing or fixing problems. It's the same as medication. It's makes it so that you can just find a way to be ok with being miserable. Unless they are a damn good matchmaker.

One lady on page 3 of here was offended when I said therapy didn't work. She said her 2 old ones were great and the current one she's been seeing for 7yrs is the best.
7yrs, 3 therapists later and still needing it makes therapy not a very good solution, I would say.


----------



## Tomara

Guess at 52 I am never going to have a man or make anything of my life. Naw I am in the prime of my life and will work to obtain what makes me happy. You are right, you might not find a women with the way you depict women in general. You have received some excellent advice but choose to turn your back on help. Why would you get better at anything if you don't learn to adjust you? I am confused. Oh my ex did what you want to do to your son. It hurt and scared them. How can one be so selfish? I am being harsh because I don't think you need to be coddled. Get off the dope as it is obvious it effects ones reasoning and thought process. Counseling doesn't cure you, counseling helps you deal with different situations. What you're doing isn't working so why not try a different healthy avenue?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Pluto2

A more accurate statement would be that we want you to accept that you are in fact, NOT, worthless.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

Minnion said:


> ROAR, forget it. jeez.
> 
> You guys are not offering any thoughts on helping. You are trying to give me solutions so that I "learn to accept" that I'm worthless in the view of women. If there was a woman in my life then I could gracefully live through life in a civil matter and work on stuff with my son and anything that is important but there is no way I can do stuff like that while I'm draining the pain of life out with weed, multiple naps, loud music, and other escapes.
> 
> Women are always complaining.
> He ignores me, he doesn't care about my feelings, he doesn't take care of his body, he's jealous, he's controlling, he beats me, he drinks, he's obnoxious, he is uncomfortable with taking about feelings, I can't do anything with him because he only likes retarded action movies, he cheats on me, he treats me like crap, he won't make love, he stereotypes women(you must clean), all he wants is sex, he is possessive, he only thinks about himself, etc, etc
> 
> Yet these are the types of men who do well with women, then they break up and the guy is straight pushed up against another woman.
> 
> Women meet me and they are not interested because I don't fit in any of categories above and they figure "pff, need a real man".
> 
> I see no real solution. I can't very well afford to pay for a girlfriend for some fake happiness to maybe push my confidence level enough to get on the right path. And I sure as hell can't do any of that horrible stuff up there.
> 
> Well, it's ok. We talked about it anyway.
> 
> 
> Because there is a personal benefit of of profit. I already said that counseling is not for curing or fixing problems. It's the same as medication. It's makes it so that you can just find a way to be ok with being miserable. Unless they are a damn good matchmaker.
> 
> One lady on page 3 of here was offended when I said therapy didn't work. She said her 2 old ones were great and the current one she's been seeing for 7yrs is the best.
> 7yrs, 3 therapists later and still needing it makes therapy not a very good solution, I would say.



No dude. the women meet you and then work out that you're a pain in the arse so go find better options elsewhere. why would they want to buy into your sh.t


----------



## Minnion

Tomara said:


> Guess at 52 I am never going to have a man or make anything of my life. Naw I am in the prime of my life and will work to obtain what makes me happy. You are right, you might not find a women with the way you depict women in general. You have received some excellent advice but choose to turn your back on help. Why would you get better at anything if you don't learn to adjust you? I am confused. Oh my ex did what you want to do to your son. It hurt and scared them. How can one be so selfish? I am being harsh because I don't think you need to be coddled. Get off the dope as it is obvious it effects ones reasoning and thought process. Counseling doesn't cure you, counseling helps you deal with different situations. What you're doing isn't working so why not try a different healthy avenue?


Exactly, I don't think it's going to work out for me. Thus why I am considering to spare the 20yrs of fulfillment and trouble. And I sure as hell am not going to say I'm in my prime for nothing.


spotthedeaddog said:


> No dude. the women meet you and then work out that you're a pain in the arse so go find better options elsewhere. why would they want to buy into your sh.t


And they choose a woman beater or a cheater? I just explained SEVERAL qualities that I have that are suppose to be awesome according to women but they mean jack.
It doesn't get that far to them thinking I'm an arse actually, but they sense I'm not worth it. it's a confidence in the air thing.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-a...hes-old-enough-see-who-i-am.html#post14288481
In this topic I explained my interactions with women lately.

If you are suggesting be nicer, then it's going in the wrong direction. I am all of that and more.

I'm not arguing that women don't like me. I know they don't, that's the whole problem. It doesn't matter how good I get or attractive. There is no change. It's so bad that even everyone here ignores this unconquerable enemy and just uses stupid anti-suicide tactics such as "Never give up" "do it for your son" and blah blah.

Because they know If I have I made a models' body to help and it's this bad still then it's game over for me.


----------



## Tomara

Not game over, call the suicide hot line


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Minnion

Tomara said:


> Not game over, call the suicide hot line


Too risky. I'm always afraid they will track me and get someone to come after me. It's not safe to have cops knocking on my door. The neighborhood wouldn't appreciate that.

I'm also pretty skeptical about it. They will just do the same thing many people do which is assume that anyone who calculates suicide as a possible solution is automatically nuts.

I'm not in a crisis anyway. I've spent over 120 weekends alone with no phone calls. One more isn't going to make me freak out. That's for sure.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I think you are concentrating too much on your outward appearance. A "good woman" is more concerned with what's going on INSIDE of you. If you spend so much time fluffing your appearance up, it's no wonder you are attracting women that just want to f*ck you. 

If you want a REAL relationship, you are going to have to be able to offer a "good woman" someone who loves themselves. Any decent woman knows you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. 

People keep telling you to think of your son because no matter how bad you think your life is, you will be gifting him a worse one. He will spend his ENTIRE life asking himself why he wasn't good enough. Why you didn't love him enough to stick around. A great legacy to leave. 

Look...the day we have children is the day that we take ourselves out of position #1. You are now "most important person #2". It's what you signed up for. You can't just change your mind because it seems more convenient. 

FWIW, I truly hope to meet someone who's interests are like yours. Diverse. I am as well, and it has been difficult for me to find a true partner. Oh...I can get along with anyone because I can almost always find a similar something in common. However, I also end up giving up things that I like to please them. It's a tough spot to be in, especially if you are an emotional & giving person. 

Well...here I am at 46, starting over again. I have had a lot of down days. I am on Celexa, which is making everything bearable. Wasn't easy getting on it...the side effects were pretty sh1tty. But I did realize I needed help. You know...there are new and better drugs nowadays. Not all of them leave you feeling like a zombie. 

You can find someone to talk to as long as you don't completely lose your sh1t. If you do, the guys in the white coats will come. BTW...they won't let you smoke weed in there. 

Calm down and keep it together. Skip the gym and find someone to talk to. ASAP


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Sounds like you might be paranoid schizophrenic or somewhere on the scale.

if so you're not inclined to believe anyone here, are skeptical of the government, counsellors, and even women in general. Oh yeah, and you'll think the help line is trying to track you down.

We will be unable to convince you that you are thinking irrationally. 

But you are thinking irrationally BTW.


----------



## Adelais

Minnion. All I hear from you is "victim speak." You have a victim mentality, and that is contributing to your isolation. You think no one likes you, and at the same time, you hate everyone because it is all their fault.

How many people have responded to you on this thread? Every one of us has recognized unhealthy thought patterns and have offered advice. Yet you have dismissed everything everyone has said. You, one person, know more than everyone else, and you have also made us out to be the enemy, while you are the victim of us.

You need help. You will be killing yourself for no good reason. You can get a reboot of your thought processes and look on life, but you need help to do it.


----------



## joannacroc

Let me share a story with you. My beautiful, kind, talented niece started showing symptoms of depression in her mid teens. Nobody liked her. She wasn't interesting. Wasn't worthy. Wasn't beautiful .We didn't love her. No amount of us telling her she was loved and brilliant and interesting made her believe it because depression and mental illness told her the opposite. She is now a few weeks into taking antidepressants and talking to a therapist. I have never seen her happier. She is finally starting to come out of the fog. She is engaged at school. She is actually reaching out to her friends again, and asking questions about how other family members are doing. Will she be paying for antidepressants and therapy for the rest of her life? Maybe. But if she had diabetes or high blood pressure she would be paying for meds for that. She is finally starting to experience happiness and the positive things in life like friendship and self-worth. Can you really say those things aren't worth at least trying therapy for? 

If you look at your responses to our suggestions you'll notice a pattern - you keep saying no. Because your mental illness is telling you to. Please, please go and talk to a therapist.


----------



## Minnion

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sounds like you might be paranoid schizophrenic or somewhere on the scale.
> 
> if so you're not inclined to believe anyone here, are skeptical of the government, counsellors, and even women in general. Oh yeah, and you'll think the help line is trying to track you down.
> We will be unable to convince you that you are thinking irratinally.
> But you are thinking irrationally BTW.


Everything that I have said is backed up with experience and real life educated judgment calls. If I said the government is awful with medication it's because I also shared information about doctors being told to distribute drugs to the public without even caring or knowing what they are for. They offer the simple "that's what the gov't is telling us".
I would like the gov't if I didn't have so many experiences with them like that.
Counselors is the same as is woman and the way the world turns.
I'm not making crap up. I'm saying how it is and then saying it sucks.



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Minnion. All I hear from you is "victim speak." You have a victim mentality, and that is contributing to your isolation. You think no one likes you, and at the same time, you hate everyone because it is all their fault.
> How many people have responded to you on this thread? Every one of us has recognized unhealthy thought patterns and have offered advice. Yet you have dismissed everything everyone has said. You, one person, know more than everyone else, and you have also made us out to be the enemy, while you are the victim of us.
> 
> You need help. You will be killing yourself for no good reason. You can get a reboot of your thought processes and look on life, but you need help to do it.


You are right. I do have a victim mentality. Not because I think everyone will mistreat me but because I have the experience that I was mistreated throughout my life. It's a mathematical likeliness estimate, not a random thought.

Also, when I replied to all of the advice there was no response because the advice is just a bunch of "Everyone should do therapy if they have a problem. It's their own fault".
Several times I have explained SO CLEARLY why therapy is not a good idea and it was ignored because you all don't care to offer real advice, You are just saying "Oh drug yourself up, whatever".



joannacroc said:


> Let me share a story with you. My beautiful, kind, talented niece started showing symptoms of depression in her mid teens. Nobody liked her. She wasn't interesting. Wasn't worthy. Wasn't beautiful .We didn't love her. No amount of us telling her she was loved and brilliant and interesting made her believe it because depression and mental illness told her the opposite. She is now a few weeks into taking antidepressants and talking to a therapist. I have never seen her happier. She is finally starting to come out of the fog. She is engaged at school. She is actually reaching out to her friends again, and asking questions about how other family members are doing. Will she be paying for antidepressants and therapy for the rest of her life? Maybe. But if she had diabetes or high blood pressure she would be paying for meds for that. She is finally starting to experience happiness and the positive things in life like friendship and self-worth. Can you really say those things aren't worth at least trying therapy for?
> 
> If you look at your responses to our suggestions you'll notice a pattern - you keep saying no. Because your mental illness is telling you to. Please, please go and talk to a therapist.


I keep saying no because it's the same advice given which I don't believe in. I also offered several realistic reasons why it is not a good idea.

People, there is nothing wrong with someone who has calculated that it's easier to just end their life as opposed to suffer in it forever(or be stupid from medication). Believe it or not but not everyone is so terrified to not exist that they must always want to live even through massive horribleness. There are some who can realistically calculate if it's worth it or not. 

-I don't have depression. Where nothing is wrong yet I'm unhappy.
-I don't have bi-polar or whatever newer thing doctors came out with to profit from. I'm not loopy or happy or crazy with emotion for an UNKNOWN REASON.

My emotions are perfectly sync with my life. Personally, if you had my lonely, sad, pathetic, worthless life and future and were totally fine with it then I would say YOU have a mental disorder for actually being able to be fine with it.
My attitude towards life is built on the experiences I've had, what I have now, and where I'm going in life. It's perfectly normal for my to be unhappy.
And if any of you don't think so then the next time you have a good day and are happy I should accuse you of being mentally ill for responding to your experience like that.

They are called emotions. People have them based on what happens. It doesn't automatically mean you are sick if you are unhappy. Some people have reasons to be unhappy.

Damn, I wish I didn't have to explain this over and over again while you all dodge my asks such as:
-Can't go to therapy because they will report me

Oh wait, why would you talk about that. Cause you don't care at all. You just blindly want everyone to go to therapy.


----------



## unsure78

Minon,

maybe I missed it or perhaps you have but why not try to get a better job, instead of just working for your parents?


----------



## Minnion

unsure78 said:


> Minon,
> 
> maybe I missed it or perhaps you have but why not try to get a better job, instead of just working for your parents?


Unemployment is awful in this city. Stats say it's the 2nd highest in Canada. Personally, I think it is beyond the highest of Ca And US.

It's been like this for about 15yrs so the city is run down pretty bad. Doctors have been throwing permanent disability to every 10th person to alter the stats and they only count people involved the unemployment office.

The only option is to run with an employment company that places you in temp positions and throws you wishes and dreams that you will be hired by the company. It never happens though because you are paid minimum wage and the gov't is covering half for the company. A lot of people are with them and it's not very fun to be a licensed carpenter who is getting $11/hr.

On the bright side if you want to party, this is the place. I don't party though.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Minnion said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like you might be paranoid schizophrenic or somewhere on the scale.
> 
> if so you're not inclined to believe anyone here, are skeptical of the government, counsellors, and even women in general. Oh yeah, and you'll think the help line is trying to track you down.
> We will be unable to convince you that you are thinking irratinally.
> But you are thinking irrationally BTW.
> 
> 
> 
> Everything that I have said is backed up with experience and real life educated judgment calls. If I said the government is awful with medication it's because I also shared information about doctors being told to distribute drugs to the public without even caring or knowing what they are for. They offer the simple "that's what the gov't is telling us".
> I would like the gov't if I didn't have so many experiences with them like that.
> Counselors is the same as is woman and the way the world turns.
> I'm not making crap up. I'm saying how it is and then saying it sucks.
> [
Click to expand...

You're proving my point. Your paranoia prevents you from accepting what I (and basically everyone here) wrote. Your crazy statements about doctors show that your "judgements" are the problem. Your "it is" statement about how things are really only the "it is" in your mind.

As long as you go with your judgements you will exclude all outside help and continue to live in a deluded, paranoid state.

But I guess I already said that and you are proving it. Yay I win. If you want to win you have to accept that your world view is royally f'ed up. 

You won't admit that, though, because I think you enjoy feeling the way you do - being you against the world. Too bad too, because there's a kid impacted by all this delusion,


----------



## Minnion

TheTruthHurts said:


> You're proving my point. Your paranoia prevents you from accepting what I (and basically everyone here) wrote. Your crazy statements about doctors show that your "judgements" are the problem. Your "it is" statement about how things are really only the "it is" in your mind.
> 
> As long as you go with your judgements you will exclude all outside help and continue to live in a deluded, paranoid state.
> 
> But I guess I already said that and you are proving it. Yay I win. If you want to win you have to accept that your world view is royally f'ed up.
> 
> You won't admit that, though, because I think you enjoy feeling the way you do - being you against the world. Too bad too, because there's a kid impacted by all this delusion,


I can prove I'm not crazy. I have not yet gotten personal yet you have multiple times. I'm willing to discuss whatever you think is ****y but what is the point if you are just going to point and say insults and of course like most people, not even assess the conversation or problem you have. The only thing you are interested in is teaming up and mouthing off.

Where the **** were you when that chick was like "I'm 58 and in my prime"?" You call that logical. Not at all yet you didn't talk about that because this is some sort of game where you team with the rest of the sheep.
Where the **** were you when I explained that therapists legally have to rat you out to the cops or the crazyhouse if you do consider death as opposed to living severely unhappy?
Nope, nowhere to be found.

And now without talking about any of that or other ridiculous things that "basically everyone here(thinks)" you are talking smack at me. Smarten up or frig off dude. I have plenty of normal emotions that run through my head like wishing you lived close enough for me to knock your ass out.

I don't need your support or anyones. I'm looking for outside UNBIASED OPINIONS. Not just a bunch of people who run around saying therapy for everything. Medication for everything. I wanted REAL input. Not a bunch of people who don't need to read anything I wrote because they will automatically say those same two things.

This is so F-ing stupid. I'm trying to talk and you guys are just mouthing off because you are into **** that I am not. I have a set time limit *******s. Don't waste my time with your emotional connection to the gov't or doctors or whatever.


----------



## lessthennone

I'm going to make a suggestion that may not make much sense, or be much help on it's face. I think you should volunteer with a charity, soup kitchen, meals on wheels or something. You need to do something selfless that you will be proud of and feel good about. I'm not even going to suggest doing it for their sake. Do it for yourself.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Wow you're really angry. I can see how this chorus of people, all with the same opinion that is 100% opposed to your opinion, would seem like we're "ganging up on you" particularly if you're paranoid, which I believe you are.

I can assure you I am not even reading the other posts - just skimming them - because unlike the rest here I KNOW you won't change your mind based on what is said because of your disturbed thinking patterns.

And yes, I did get personal because this is a site for personal issues, I am a person, and I am a contributor. Many TAM visitors listen and are helped by these personal opinions.

Though personal and honest, I don't think I was very derogatory toward you. Mental illness is a fact if many people's lives, so honestly explaining to you why you are responding the way you are is just that - honest.

In a fairy tale world, we could tell you that your thought patterns and conclusions are not normal and clinical help (psychologists and medication) will help. And in that world you would say "Gee, really? I'll go get help!". But that is not the real world. In the real world people like you - because of your mental disturbance - prevent yourself from getting help, you cite what bolsters your case and ignore the rest. You are suspicious of doctors, government, and even anonymous internet people who only exist to help others.

My dad deal with many paranoid schizophrenics and people will all sorts of issues including those caused by real issues (btw I don't doubt your facts it's just your conclusions that are skewed). But I'm not a shrink and I doubt anyone here is and you won't see one, so you can't get the help they offer.

So I know this will piss you off and that's ok. I'll sign off and let you talk with others. Who know, maybe I'm wrong and you will listen to someone here.


----------



## Minnion

lessthennone said:


> I'm going to make a suggestion that may not make much sense, or be much help on it's face. I think you should volunteer with a charity, soup kitchen, meals on wheels or something. You need to do something selfless that you will be proud of and feel good about. I'm not even going to suggest doing it for their sake. Do it for yourself.


Earlier on in the topic someone did mention that. I do see the value in it but it doesn't really help me into achieving the ultimate goal of being able to get out of this black sheep lonely thing I got going on.

Its difficult to feel good about helping others when I can't even help myself and no one would help me.

Currently, I've been trying new things as opposed to this funk with all of the several naps, staying home.

I never was a bar guy but even yesterday I did go out and socialize but it does feel like I'm just wasting effort.
I don't think having a 51yr old lady tell her life story of her awful relationship problems with some ex-husband and go on and on to be a very good approach to meeting people. It seems that as long as people are liquored up I can beat this social awkwardness........because they are too dumb to notice at the moment. Sober, during the day...forget it. Small talk is where everything only goes and the whole time I'm watching every word and tone of voice I use so I don't say something that may be the reason people of the opposite sex stray away from.


TheTruthHurts, in this particular situation mental illness is not(even though everyone turns to that these days). The whole core of the issue is that I've been screwed up so bad from rejection of the wife, previous relationships, and an overall bad childhood that it shows up in my voice and speech. The social awkwardness comes from expecting the worst.
The problem is if the worst didn't ALWAYS happen then maybe I could talk my way out of it.

I simply don't want to go on and on through this awful crap if it's going to continue and I don't see a change possible.

And I sure am mad. Been cheated on in the past(not the ex) by what 8 out of 12 relationships. 7 of them from people who considered it a serious mistake. If you rack hundreds of bad experiences like that it gets a person down but not because they are crazy, but because they predict the most likely future. 

When I talk about my life and explain the self discipline I have which shows on my body and say that I couldn't get a the laziest undisciplined woman in life to get a real emotional feeling towards me its not in my head. It's true. I get written off almost instantly once they seek further than my body. I barely do anything wrong either. It's just small little body language things that I pull that shows I'm not worth a damn thing.

Hell yes I'm pissed. I have SO many qualities that many women are always *****ing that guys are never like such as being a good listener....yet if they dated me they would ditch me for an arrogant loudmouth alcoholic mental abuser. It drives me NUTS man and it's not in my head.
I F-ing hate this stupid submissive/dominant relationship trait junk that people flow with.

I could be a total **** and threaten abuse and promise the a woman something then ditch her to hand with friends which would most likely give me more of a chance to sucessfully beat this loneliness but It's not me.
It's better to just quit it and just come to the conclusion that I'm not going to get anywhere in life so forget it.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I think you need a dog. Go to your local shelter and get one. I'm not saying volunteer, I'm saying GET a dog. It will give you purpose and you will get unconditional love in return. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

My sanity 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

I mean...what part of your heart WOULDN'T this fill???








️️️


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Adelais

Minnion, since you have all the answers, I guess you just came here to make your big announcement.

If I got you right:

1. You had a terrible childhood.
2. You have never been able to overcome all the damage, nor have you ever sought help to deal with it.
3. You became an awful person, and made a lot of bad decisions that landed you in trouble and messed up your life.
4. You can't learn from your mistakes, become a better person and stop making bad mistakes.
5. You still are making bad choices, and are engaging in illegal activities, so you don't trust nurses, psychologists, doctors and police. They will all turn you in for the illegal and risky things you are doing.
6. You are focusing on your body, and when not doing that, you nap and hang around your apartment (which you hate.)
7. You go to bars to meet people, even though you know that you won't meet quality people there.
8. You know you like helping people, but you won't do any volunteering because you won't get anything out of it.
9. Although you presented your situation to strangers at TAM, and we answered you honestly, you think we are all out to get you. We all want you to get hooked on pharmaceutical meds, and dependent on psychologists so you won't ever learn to be happy and independent.
10. You smoke pot all the time when you are home, and you are not about to give that up. You believe it has nothing to do with how you feel, and just helps you feel better.
11. You have a lot of qualities that you believe women are attracted to, but you can't keep a woman around, because they figure our what a creep you are.
12. You have a low paying job, which seems even lower since you spend so much $ on the pot that you smoke.
13. You can't get an education or training to get the kind of job that would make you feel more fulfilled and earn more $ because the town you live in because??????

am I missing something?


----------



## Elizabeth001

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Minnion, since you have all the answers, I guess you just came here to make your big announcement.
> 
> 
> 
> If I got you right:
> 
> 
> 
> 1. You had a terrible childhood.
> 
> 2. You have never been able to overcome all the damage, nor have you ever sought help to deal with it.
> 
> 3. You became an awful person, and made a lot of bad decisions that landed you in trouble and messed up your life.
> 
> 4. You can't learn from your mistakes, become a better person and stop making bad mistakes.
> 
> 5. You still are making bad choices, and are engaging in illegal activities, so you don't trust nurses, psychologists, doctors and police. They will all turn you in for the illegal and risky things you are doing.
> 
> 6. You are focusing on your body, and when not doing that, you nap and hang around your apartment (which you hate.)
> 
> 7. You go to bars to meet people, even though you know that you won't meet quality people there.
> 
> 8. You know you like helping people, but you won't do any volunteering because you won't get anything out of it.
> 
> 9. Although you presented your situation to strangers at TAM, and we answered you honestly, you think we are all out to get you. We all want you to get hooked on pharmaceutical meds, and dependent on psychologists so you won't ever learn to be happy and independent.
> 
> 10. You smoke pot all the time when you are home, and you are not about to give that up. You believe it has nothing to do with how you feel, and just helps you feel better.
> 
> 11. You have a lot of qualities that you believe women are attracted to, but you can't keep a woman around, because they figure our what a creep you are.
> 
> 12. You have a low paying job, which seems even lower since you spend so much $ on the pot that you smoke.
> 
> 13. You can't get an education or training to get the kind of job that would make you feel more fulfilled and earn more $ because the town you live in because??????
> 
> 
> 
> am I missing something?



I'll answer for him. 

Yes. Purpose. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

TheTruthHurts said:


> You're proving my point. Your paranoia prevents you from accepting what I (and basically everyone here) wrote. Your crazy statements about doctors show that your "judgements" are the problem. Your "it is" statement about how things are really only the "it is" in your mind.
> 
> As long as you go with your judgements you will exclude all outside help and continue to live in a deluded, paranoid state.
> 
> But I guess I already said that and you are proving it. Yay I win. If you want to win you have to accept that your world view is royally f'ed up.
> 
> You won't admit that, though, because I think you enjoy feeling the way you do - being you against the world. Too bad too, because there's a kid impacted by all this delusion,


It's not paranoia if it's true.
Sounds like a relocation is what is needed if things are so bad there.

Needs to get outside the apartment, walk to a park, to a river. Smoke there.

I do agree with the volunteer thing. Why should small businesses pay minimum wage, when volunteer organisations can get damaged people and control freaks to work for free.
Also get away from digital gear, as it masks the problem; and creates an urge for instant gratification which makes physical activity and normal life harder to handle.


----------



## Minnion

Elizabeth, I don't have the suitable apartment, lifestyle, or revenue to have a dog. Also, people respond to pets differently. It wouldn't change my world like that.........I have a snake though(not that a snake is comparable).

IMFarAboveRubies,
When you say war inciting crap like this:
_Minnion, since you have all the answers, I guess you just came here to make your big announcement._
Don't expect the reply to be too awesome. It's just common sense.

1. Yes, I believe KaBOOM!! would be a good word to describe my childhood.
2. Most people are affected from continuous negative situations of the past. I'm not uncommon from others with this. They have not invented a time machine to reverse those situation so I didn't seek helpt to fix it.
3. Yep, I been screwed over so many times through business, marriage, and everything in between then on top of it I dropped the ball on my own way too many times.
4. No, I'm not making any bad mistakes because I'm not making any big moves in life.
5. I am not engaging in illegal activities.......well.....please don't call smoking weed an illegal activity. That's ridicuous. I don't trust psychologists, doctors, and police. Not because I engage in illegal activities of smoking weed but because of the things they do. They will turn me in for saying I don't want to life and explaining it because they have to by law.
6. I am focusing on my body, tone of voice, choice of words, and body language that will offer the best results. It's very difficult though. Yes, my life is empty. When I'm not putting pressure of trying to be better to get one damn awesome woman I am doing videogames and other pointless activities excessively. 
7. I went to a small chilled passive sports bar once last week and then again yesterday. I don't do this all of the time. Although, this seems bad it's actually a step forward for my social anxiety which is vanishing from my good health. Before I didn't even want to take a walk down the street. No, quality people are not there. Just a bunch of people who are pouring their massive drunken problems at me and it isn't an appropriate setting for getting to know people. I just lust for a few people here and there.
8. No, I'm not volunteering because I'm ****ed up. Who the hell said I want something out of everything. You are just making nasty **** up. You don't have to try to talk bad **** about me. I already have legitiment reasons to why I'm worthless.
9. Many of the answers where biased opinions from here. It was almost as if everyone would automatically say get therapy because this is a Pro-therapy forum. Maybe the "Get THERAPISTS" button should have made me understand this from the beginning. 
You(yourself) are making **** up right now to try to make me sound worse so yes, you are ****ing with me. This is a common behavior thing that people do(make up crap to make things sound bad for a person). Another thing that shows that you are just causing trouble together is when I mention an example and "EVERYONE" ignores it and just says "you are crazy". Here's an example for you to ignore. Right after you posted this look what elizabeth said. When someone throws a big line then someone else basically says "Yep, that's him!" that is definitely teaming.
You have to admit that you guys are pretty quick to talk about meds and therapists. I mentioned before(and it was ignored of course) that the lady in an earlier post was jabbering about how awesome her two therapists of the past where and her new one. Well.........not awesome enough to solve **** all considering she had to go through 3 of them and 20+ years. Yes, you and everyone ignored it because you are being biased for therapists.
Several times I have explained that if I was unhappy without legitimate reasons then there would be a good use for med and therapists. Currently I have real reasons and if solved my unhappiness would disappear(you ignored that too).
This is the major difference between me and many of the people talking to me in here(and you) that creates a communication problem.
*You believe that happiness is learned through medication and education. 
I believe that happiness is an emotion that is driven by the level of success for one selfs desires of fulfillment, satisfaction, and enjoyment.*

10. I smoke a TON of pot to lose myself. I also am a headphone junky for music. I mentioned that it's not uncommon that I quit but you IGNORED IT like you ignore everything I say because you are busy teaming and being a dink. I only said it 8 times in this topic. When I created this topic I smoked a ton of weed that night and the night before but I actually have not smoked it since. So if you are looking for power to show I'm a crazy nut hide this part where you are making this sound worse than it is and replace it with whatever else you can.
Weed has nothing to do with how I feel.
If you BOTHERED TO ASK or not INGORE ME I've explained that my calculation for sparing a ****ty life was made one year BEFORE I SMOKED WEED. For **** sakes, that obviously PROVES that weed has not made a negative contribution of my feelings. I said it 18 times. My feelings come from LONLINESS(male/female) loneliness. LONELINESS. Do YOU UNDER-STAND YET. LONLINESS!!!......or just randomly make up whatever you want.
This is why I say you are teaming up on me. You are not even reading what I said. You are just saying "Oh, he's super-unhappy. He needs pills because he's ****ed up in the head".
11. No, I have a lot of qualities that woman SHOULD be attracted to but nice, honesty, loyalty, etc, are all negative personality traits for attraction in males. uhhh, *creepy*......nah, that's what one of your ****ing ass friend said in here. You just said that to make me look bad because you are ****ing with me. I said awkward, shy, nervous, laughable personality interests in womans eyes but you IGNORED IT and just took the nastiest thing that someone said about me here. Thanks for that, btw.

12. My job pays jack **** dude. I don't spend ANYTHING on WEED. I mentioned very clearly that I am supplied weed and it's brought to my door for free. It's given to people within the neighborhood whom do not cause trouble and follow a few minor rules of the block.
but guess what you IGNORED WHAT I SAID AGAIN. There's a ****ing surprise.

13. You can't get an education or training to get the kind of job that would make you feel more fulfilled and earn more $ because the town you live in because??????

There isn't enough time and I sure as hell am not going to **** around with that AGAIN for nothing or in hopes it will work out for what.......when I'm done when I am 40. This is what you would do? just simply FORGET about the problem for how many ****ing years it takes for that and just hope when you are 40 it'll turn out.
Yeah.....starting your life suicidal at 40 sounds AWESOME!!!



> am I missing something?


Yeah, you missed everything because you took insults from others who posted here and used it to explain what you think of my life. You made up whatever else to fill in the gaps. I have corrected everything you said but you will just ignore everything I say anyway.
You need to quit screwing with me. Making up all kinds of **** just because OTHERS have jumped to conclusions and it would sound like I'm so much more at fault so you use it.

Stupid prick. 
The thing that pisses me off is I don't even think you or anyone will even care that you are making **** up and backtrack it. You'll just dance around everything I say again then later still say stupid crap like me spending money on weed when I'm suppose to be broke.
Just say the truth. You are against weed, I smoke it, so you are going to talk crap. Everything you are saying is complete bull****. You don't have to try to break me down. I'm ****ing already busted, *******.


----------



## Adelais

Minnion said:


> IMFarAboveRubies,
> When you say war inciting crap like this:
> _Minnion, since you have all the answers, I guess you just came here to make your big announcement._
> Don't expect the reply to be too awesome. It's just common sense.
> sWasn't trying to incite war. Was just trying to summarize what you have written. You write a lot.
> 1. Yes, I believe KaBOOM!! would be a good word to describe my childhood. Sorry for your bad childhood. Mine had its low points too (abusive, scary dad, passive mom, mean siblings who had no empathy, jealous sister, lots of constant drama. Not all was bad, but there was enough bad to make me want to move out as soon as I was able. Both parents dead now, and none of the siblings get along because of childhood dysfunction. But I never saw a parent kill another, no drugs, no police on the doorstep, etc. Just lots of drama and feeling alone in it all.
> 2. Most people are affected from situations of the past. I'm not uncommon from others with this. They have not invented a time machine to reverse those situation so I didn't seek helpt to fix it.
> No one went back and fixed my past either. However understanding it helped me not repeat it (too much). Understanding the source of my self condemnation helped me realize that I was not at fault for what happened, and I learned to value myself as a human being. You can do that too.
> 
> 3. Yep, I been screwed over so many times through business, marriage, and everything in between then on top of it I dropped the ball on my own way too many times. That has happened to most people who breathe air. You are not unique. A person can learn from it and not repeat it. People can trust too much and ignore red flags. I have done it too. Rather than hate people, I watch out for red flags so as not to miss them and get into relationships whether personal or business that will be dysfunctional and end badly. You can learn about which red flags you miss and watch out for them too.
> 4. No, I'm not making any bad mistakes because I'm not making any big moves in life. Good and not good. Start making some positive moves in your life.
> 5. I am not engaging in illegal activities.......well.....please don't call smoking weed an illegal activity. That's ridicuous. I don't trust psychologists, doctors, and police. Not because I engage in illegal activities of smoking weed but because of the things they do. They will turn me in for saying I don't want to life and explaining it because they have to by law. Understood. You said something about a weapon earlier, and so I wondered if you weren't into deeper illegal activities. My bad.
> 6. I am focusing on my body, tone of voice, choice of words, and body language that will offer the best results. Can you work on making the changes permanent. You flew off in this post and cursed, and were very threatening. One incident like that face to face and you'd be done in my life. I wouldn't give you a second chance. It's very difficult though. Yes, my life is empty. When I'm not putting pressure of trying to be better to get one damn awesome woman I am doing videogames and other pointless activities excessively. I'm from a different generation than you. I see video games as wasting time. They don't expand your mind, but are repetitious and not fruitful. Try finding things that will actually contribute something lasting to your life experience. Start learning about something interesting. I do that all the time. I get off on a topic on the computer, research it and feel really good about what I am learning. It keeps my brain working. You can even learn a new language on the internet for free.
> 7. I went to a small chilled passive sports bar once last week and then again yesterday. I don't do this all of the time. Although, this seems bad it's actually a step forward for my social anxiety which is vanishing from my good health. Before I didn't even want to take a walk down the street. That's great. A baby step. Take some more. Don't get bummed out when you don't meet someone worthy of friendship. Test yourself by making yourself overcome things that were previously too scary.
> 
> No, quality people are not there. Just a bunch of people who are pouring their massive drunken problems at me and it isn't an appropriate setting for getting to know people. I just lust for a few people here and there. Where else can you go to actually interact with people who aren't drunk? Join a club? Join a Men's Bible Study?
> 8. No, I'm not volunteering because I'm ****ed up. Who the hell said I want something out of everything. You are just making nasty **** up. You don't have to try to talk bad **** about me. I already have legitiment reasons to why I'm worthless.
> 9. Many of the answers where biased opinions from here. It was almost as if everyone would automatically say get therapy because this is a Pro-therapy forum. Maybe the "Get THERAPISTS" button should have made me understand this from the beginning.
> You(yourself) are making **** up right now to try to make me sound worse so yes, you are ****ing with me. This is a common behavior thing that people do(make up crap to make things sound bad for a person). Another thing that shows that you are just causing trouble together is when I mention an example and "EVERYONE" ignores it and just says "you are crazy". Here's an example for you to ignore. Right after you posted this look what elizabeth said. When someone throws a big line then someone else basically says "Yep, that's him!" that is definitely teaming.
> You have to admit that you guys are pretty quick to talk about meds and therapists. I mentioned before(and it was ignored of course) that the lady in an earlier post was jabbering about how awesome her two therapists of the past where and her new one. Well.........not awesome enough to solve **** all considering she had to go through 3 of them and 20+ years. You are really judgmental. Some people don't have all the life skills they need. They don't realize it until something happens. They go to counseling and get the life skill they were missing. Then something else comes up and they realize they still need a bit of help. They go to counseling for a while and learn other things, and then quit counseling again once they have it. She wasn't in counseling permanently for 20+ years. She only went when she needed a bit of help, then quit. It is the same with meds. A person takes them to get them through the lowest time, then gets off them when the pressure is off, or when they learn the skills they need to cope. Yes, you and everyone ignored it because you are being biased for therapists. I am biased for therapists, because I was suicidal myself once, and therapists taught me the skills I had been lacking. The next time I was suicidal was 10 years later, and it was hormonal combined with a terrible situation. The meds got me through it, until the situation and hormones changed. The next time was when my husband blew up my world, and I had 4 children under 13 to care for/homeschool all alone. Meds helped me come out of a deep depression and feeling of hopelessness. When I felt stronger, I wanted to feel the emotions, so I went off them, and began to process them. Haven't been on meds for several years, and although life isn't easy, I don't need them.
> Several times I have explained that if I was unhappy without legitimate reasons then there would be a good use for med and therapists. Currently I have real reasons and if solved my unhappiness would disappear(you ignored that too). Sometimes a person can't solve the problems, and that takes them down. Until they are in a place where they can actually change their life situation, meds can take off the edge, so they don't get so down they give up.
> This is the major difference between me and many of the people talking to me in here(and you) that creates a communication problem.
> *You believe that happiness is learned through medication and education.
> I believe that happiness is an emotion that is driven by the level of success for one selfs desires of fulfillment, satisfaction, and enjoyment.* Happiness is an emotion, but it is also an attitude. The attitude can be improved, and the emotions will follow.
> 
> 10. I smoke a TON of pot to lose myself. I also am a headphone junky for music. I mentioned that it's not uncommon that I quit but you IGNORED IT like you ignore everything I say because you are busy teaming and being a dink. I only said it 8 times in this topic. When I created this topic I smoked a ton of weed that night and the night before but I actually have not smoked it since. So if you are looking for power to show I'm a crazy nut hide this part where you are making this sound worse than it is and replace it with whatever else you can.
> Weed has nothing to do with how I feel.
> Sorry, I missed that you have given up pot. I thought you regularly smoked it, but smoked a very lot at times when you are upset.
> If you BOTHERED TO ASK or not INGORE ME I've explained that my calculation for sparing a ****ty life was made one year BEFORE I SMOKED WEED. Missed that part. Sorry. For **** sakes, that obviously PROVES that weed has not made a negative contribution of my feelings. I said it 18 times. My feelings come from LONLINESS(male/female) loneliness. LONELINESS. Do YOU UNDER-STAND YET. LONLINESS!!!......or just randomly make up whatever you want. I'm sorry you are lonely. That is why people have suggested you join clubs, volunteer, etc. I know that finding someone to love and who loves you is not something that happens easily.
> This is why I say you are teaming up on me. You are not even reading what I said. You are just saying "Oh, he's super-unhappy. He needs pills because he's ****ed up in the head". I do not think that, nor have I said that.
> 11. No, I have a lot of qualities that woman SHOULD be attracted to but nice, honesty, loyalty, etc, are all negative personality traits for attraction in males. uhhh, *creepy*......nah, that's what one of your ****ing ass friend said in here. You just said that to make me look bad because you are ****ing with me. I said awkward, shy, nervous, laughable personality interests in womans eyes but you IGNORED IT and just took the nastiest thing that someone said about me here. Thanks for that, btw. Good women are attracted to nice, honesty, loyalty. You will probably not find good women in bars. Where can you increase your chances of meeting good women?
> 
> 12. My job pays jack **** dude. I don't spend ANYTHING on WEED. I mentioned very clearly that I am supplied weed and it's brought to my door for free. It's given to people within the neighborhood whom do not cause trouble and follow a few minor rules of the block.
> but guess what you IGNORED WHAT I SAID AGAIN. There's a ****ing surprise. didn't catch that you were getting your pot for free. Can you tell them "No thank you " next time they come to your door and offer it to you since you have quit? You will feel more motivated if you can stay off it longer. Clear your mind, start making a strategy and following through with it.
> 
> 13. You can't get an education or training to get the kind of job that would make you feel more fulfilled and earn more $ because the town you live in because??????
> 
> There isn't enough time and I sure as hell am not going to **** around with that AGAIN for nothing or in hopes it will work out for what.......when I'm done when I am 40.
> I have a friend who started college for the first time in her life when she was 38 years old. She was a high school drop out. She has been taking courses to get into a nursing program. She just took her test to see if she is going to get in. She'll be 42 years YOUNG when she graduates and gets her first RN job. She is divorced, is beautiful, a good person, positive, and has a lot of life to live. She will make a lot of money in her lifetime being a nurse.
> 
> You are not old, being in your 30's. Did you take my advice and shave your head, so you don't look like you're losing your hair? Bald is in fashion now, especially on muscular men, like you are.
> 
> Yeah, you missed everything because you took insults from others who posted here and used it to explain what you think of my life. You made up whatever else to fill in the gaps. I have corrected everything you said but you will just ignore everything I say anyway.
> You need to quit screwing with me. Making up all kinds of **** just because OTHERS have jumped to conclusions and it would sound like I'm so much more at fault so you use it.
> 
> Stupid prick. Ignore.
> The thing that pisses me off is I don't even think you or anyone will even care that you are making **** up and backtrack it. You'll just dance around everything I say again then later still say stupid crap like me spending money on weed when I'm suppose to be broke.
> Just say the truth. You are against weed, I smoke it, so you are going to talk crap. Yes, I am against pot. I am a mother, I have 4 children. I see what it does to people, and I don't want that for my children. I am probably old enough to be your mother, and I am concerned for you. If stopping pot will help you even one little bit, I'd like you to stop using it. Everything you are saying is complete bull****. You don't have to try to break me down. I'm ****ing already busted, *******.


 I'm not trying to break you down. I am just trying to be honest with you, so you can see what you have been saying to us. If you can see yourself realistically, you have hope of overcoming your problems, which are very real problems. However, they are not unsolvable.


----------



## Minnion

-The only reason I mentioned the weed thing is not because I'm a user but I abuse it by using it excessively to ditch the mental pain of being so alone. Since I live a very meaningless and empty life these feelings are typical. Everyone would feel awful. In general, weed only has a the side effect of tar(which causes cancer in the long run), lazyiness(which I don't have a problem with), and expensive(which I don't pay for). The problem is when I am feeling very bad I will smoke it until I cannot control my breathing. Saying no is an unwise idea but I can always flush it but I definitely am not wanting to be in the market of eliminating stuff that occupies me away from this loneliness. Quiting the weed is just a drop in the bucket towards all of the things I do excessively. I do everything excessively to forget my life. I am extremely over organized. Opening my cabinet doors in my kitchen and it looks like a retail store. All of the boxes and cans are perfectly straight and the one at the bottom is backwards to see the ingredients, movies organized by genre, intensity, and actors. Music on my ipod organized like a cd store, and much more. 
Without doing stuff like this I'll just spend more time sleeping or staring at the wall. I drive around town a lot for no reason at all as well.

-College is impossible. After starting new so many times and just ending up old and broken it's just another unrealistic idea. On top of that I have a criminal record from 17yrs ago that cannot be pardoned and there is no way I'll be about to get a job with it unless it's some trade work. I'm pretty much stuck against that too. I don't have to strength to start over again. I've done it way too many times and no matter which way I go nothing changes.

-Meeting people at bars is awful. It's just a social out there thing that I go for to get me around people. I also chose the largest gym. The problem with this social issue lays with myself because I can freely talk to other guys and everything is cool but it scares the hell out of me to let them know me more. I've always had a best friend and through to 20 of them, all have really ended awful. I pretty much gave up on this years ago. It's too difficult to work with this. People have their families and their kids now and that's pretty much over. The bars are a mess but it's just mainly to talk to people and be social. I don't expect anything successful from places like those....not that I don't really wish every second attractive woman would want to have a go in a relationship with me that I see there(even though they clearly are not a match).

The thing is I know that if I was(am) a little bit of a prick then I wouldn't be lonely. 7 woman have cheated on me with jerks and of course a week later called and said "damn...I have no idea why I would do that. There isn't even one quality the guy has that is better than you other than he was someone new".
I got dumped once and the reason was "you treated her like gold. Women don't really want to be treated good. If you ignored her then she could respond to that".

It's the story of my life of watching the biggest A-holes have no troubles dating good women, bad women, odd women, business women, and trampy women. The dating world is not built for me and I cannot be alone for much longer. Women don't want a guy who would enjoy any time of movie to watch with them. They want a guy who thinks the type that she wants to watch is so incredibly stupid. Women don't want a guy who doesn't cheat. They want a guy who may cheat but just "won't with them".
Anyway, that's what I'm thinking. Not everyone is the same but it sure is looking that way with my experiences.

Now I'm so broken up from it that It's messed up my personality and now. I'm going backwards and I just am tired of trying to work it out when I could be alone for another year.

It's my damn mother. I have to be there for my mother and she and my son is going to watch me train wreck. I am just stuck.

I just wish their was a solution better than turning into a egotistic farting jerk to earn respect from women because I wouldn't be happy pulling that off.


----------

