# I'm going insane!!



## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok...I am at my wits end. Easiest way to do this is in list form. Basics first. My wife is in the army overseas. She comes home next month. She has seen no violence and spent most of her time on post watching movies and such. The way she is acting is the same way she did before she left. So its not the deployment. Ok here it goes. 

1. I have no say on anything financial. She doesn't discuss. Just does what she thinks is best. (Which usually isnt the best way to go)

2. I spend any money i get ripped a new one. Yet she buys starbucks and fast food everyday...For 12 months...She gets 3 free meals a day and free coffee all day long. 

3.On the fast food note, I get told to not go out to eat. I only do that when I take a client out to dinner. Its essential to what I do for a living. Thats the only time I eat out. 

4.I spend 500 on tires for my truck. I get hell. She spends the same on a new camera....When she already has a camera that works fine and thats ok. I was told i should have found cheaper...

5. I am expected to visit her family and call them once a week. She hasn't said a word to my family since she left. 

6. Its difficult to be alone all the time. I work alot of hours and come home to an empty house. Its hard on an emotional level. I don't like coming home. She says I am silly. She has no problem being away. 

7. We had gotten on a subject about a friend of mine getting divorced due to the classic coming home early from work seen in the movies all the time deal. Which later lead to a talk about secrets in marriage. I tell her everything. Where i go, what I do, Everything. She says secrets in marriage is ok and there are things she tells her BFF that she wont ever tell me. I have told her things that no one else has ever known. 

8. She used to be...Well. Interesting on the webcam. Very interesting if you get the meaning. Now if i see her in shorts and mention that I can see her bare leg she will cover it with a blanket. She wont let me even look at her. If I say anything about sex she looks at me like some random pervert. When she mentions sex in very graphic ways it is ok. Logic again??? I don't say anything bad mind you. My wife rides horses which has produced wide hips, large hind end and thick muscular legs. I love it. is that wrong? 

9. Her BFF can do no wrong. She is out drunk all the time going home with random men and bragging about it. My wife refuses to believe it. However she hates the couple who comes over to spend time with me because she didn't like the girl in high school so hates her now also. I have helped her friend more times than I can count and she never even says thanks. Yet the people who help keep my sanity are evil? 

10. My job is stressful. I have never compared it to hers and state so to her. I am just looking to vent to my wife. Like most men do. All i get is "Deal with it" Yet I always listen when she has had a bad day. 

11. She is very sweet....When she wants to be. Yet can switch to ***** instantly. Its always what she wants to do and how she wants to do it. My points are always irrelevant. 

12. If she doesn't remember it than it never happened. Will argue to the death over it. Even when she is shown pictures...With her in them...Brain starting to hurt...

13. I can send her an email just saying I love you and get no response. Then another about bills and she is all over it like glue. 

14. Any type of affection is controlled by her and only her. 

15. I have done the man up thing. Started telling her no and put my point across. Very calmly yet stern. I don't want control. I want respect as her husband, that is all. I am the man of the house and just want that precognition. 

16. Even her father has gotten on her case about being a wife. Worked for a month. Than back to normal...

17. She has said she will not learn to cook. She can bake and thats good enough. I don't mind cooking but think it would be nice to do together. I guess I thought wrong. 

18. When she was home she would go with only 1 shower a month. When she was at her army unit for the weekend because she had to. I mentioned this and the only response I got was "So"

19. She is always taking lovey dovey pics of us and posting them online for everyone to see. What they don't see is her sitting on the couch only noticing me to talk about bills or when SHE wants to cuddle. Which consists of her sleeping on my chest and me having a numb arm. I still enjoy it but would like to talk while cuddling. She wont stay awake. Saying to her that is cuddling. 

20. She didn't come up in the most affectionate family. So I can relate and understand. There were problems growing up. On my end too. Problem is she doesn't want to try to change anything about her even if it affects our marriage. Yet I am expected to change what she doesn't like. 

21. I am told I am a child because I LOVE SCI-FI!! Star Trek, Star wars. All of it. I collect comic books and play World of Warcraft. In moderation I promise. Not an addict. Yet I am childish. My wife will watch the disney channel movies made for teenage girls and still colors in Disney Princess coloring books and loves Hanna Montana. She is 23. 

22. When there is sex I do everything she likes. From head to toe. She does not reciprocate. Has to be in the right mood to even kiss my neck. Also I have to initiate. She refuses. Says it is the mans job. 

23. Marriage counceling to her is no option. To her nothing is wrong. No matter what anyone may say. 

24. I know the woman she can be. She lets it out from time to time. The way she used to be. Yet she hides it. Like she feels it is a weakness. 

25. She makes a very mean joke about men. Its ok. Even though it offends me. Its ok to her. I make a joke about women. Which was told to me by a woman and she gets so made she wont talk to me for 2 days. 

Ok. Thats enough lol. I love my wife dearly. More than anything. I want this to work but she is so stubborn and... Weird that she wont acknowledge an issue. Its very difficult for her to see things from my point of view. She admits this. Says she tries but keeps slipping back to her point of view. She knows she can be selfish and bossy but wont do anything about it. I just don't know how to get through to her. I just want to be treated like her husband. Not a room-mate that is only there when she wants. Any ideas? :scratchhead:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, it's very apparent who wears the pants in your family. And I'll give you three guesses who it is...

About your point 15, what exactly have you done to "man up"? I got to point 3, and I was saying to myself "This guy is whipped!"

EDIT: Btw, you might have to work to EARN her respect, not just ask for it, pretty please.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Ha! I can see your point. I wasn't very specific. To an extent the whip is still there. A work in progress I would say. I have learned to say no. I never used to. Yet that is a horrible word to her and she is going to do what she is going to do. I have been stern on the money subject saying i need to be a part of it. Yet when i am stern and attempt to put my foot down she will hang up. Maybe it will be easier when she is home and cannot escape. At this point though if she doesn't like what i have to say or my opinion she hangs up the skype call and refuses to talk.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You can easily go through the majority of your points, and see what you should do to "man up". The one about having to visit her family? The one about not eating out? The one about sex her way? The one about listening to her when she had a bad day? Do I need to continue?

And if all else fails, I think the ultimate manning up is something like "you can continue to behave this way, but I won't continue to be treated this way."

As my GF has said to me "people treat us the way we teach them to treat us". And unfortunately for you, you've taught her some very bad habits. It's going to be a big struggle to turn her around, I'd guess. Especially if she's in a male dominated career (military), likely full of alpha male types. Earning her respect will likely NOT be easy. She likely has had to learn to be dominant and aggressive to earn her place in her career, and that doesn't just turn off, apparently.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And if your wife won't go to marriage counseling, maybe try individual counseling.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

The shower thing is just...gross. To me, she is deliberately trying to be unattractive to you and push you away. 

What exactly do you get out of this relationship right now. Not in the past, not how it was, but how it is?


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I do honestly put my foot down alot. In fact I posted each because i have put my foot down. As far as visiting her family. I don't more than maybe once every few months. They know why and understand. Eating out. Its for work. She can deal. I just dont get why she has to complain. You gotta spend money to make money is very true in my line of work. Sex her way. I have a feeling it comes from her mom. Her mom is the same way. I have the Vagina I make the rules. (Plus her mom is notorious for sticking her nose into our life. ALL factors of it) The bad day issue. I have called her out on it. Again. Hang up. If she doesnt like what is said she will just hang up. Period. 

I agree with the statment about the Army. She has had to work harder. Not only is she a woman but she is 5'2 and 113lbs. It was one hell of a battle. She is a great soldier though. Also its not just me that she treats this way. Its everyone besides her dad. Her dad can shut her up at any moment. Everyone else is to follow her orders. She just didnt do it with me till we were married.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If your W is 23 and you are around the same age, the good news is that you are recognizing problem and seeking help early on. Love is definitely th emost important thing but respect is a close second and self-respect nearly a tie, if not a tie (self-love not ego stuff). 

You can definitely seek counseling, I would suggest relational skills. I went through a lot of what you are going through now. 
Your W seems to have a controlling personality and I think a lot of her energy goes into doing things to gain and maintain control over you. This usually comes from insecurities and doubts of being worthy and so risk aversion when it comes to intimate relationships. Like she deliberately does things for you not to love her, so that when (in her mind) she finds out that you don.t love her, then it comes as a predictable outcome that she has been in control of. Issues arise when you do not establish personal boundaries, she loses respect for you and wonders what is wrong with you that you don't despise her...she believes that you secretly despise her... Then that in turn justifies in her mind the behavior towards you. It is a real needless energy-sucking cycle. Therapy will help you step outside it. You definitely need to start being more attentive to your needs and just ignore her when she questions things like new tires. Make sure you put the best set of crayons in her Christmas stocking (or care package) along with the coloring books. I dunno, someone who still colors can't be all bad, just still holding onto a lot of childhood patterns, that is also good news since she has put maturity on hold or it is delayed then she can finish growing up she is not set in her patterns as yet. I think counselling will really help for you. Please do not second guess or justify your hobbies or friends. There is absolutely no need for you to do that, the fact that you do points towards a borderline abusive relationship. It is difficult to believe a 23 year old woman could get away with this kind of attitude and behavior towards a spouse, but that is probably exactly why she gets away with it, she is making a good gamble that you won't bring it to anyone's attention out of embarassment. I called my H's bluff, now I am divorcing, but since you are young I guess I wouldn't recommend that, just use the resources you have through military or work channels and get counselling and be honest with the therapist as that is the only way things can improve. See where that takes you. And every day, do something for yourself that you are not otherwise 'allowed' to do..I am sorry about the Skype thing. OK, last advice, don.t get pregnant. Same advice I would give to woman. Take precautions on your own, a controlling person has no qualms about using an innocent life to gain control when things seem threatening to them. Let her deal with that, but be safe about precautions until you are absolutely through this crisis. Most people can fake anything for 6 months, a few years of change would be advisable at least. Through counselling, you can change the way you relate to her, but expect things to get worse before they get better. It is good to hear from a guy who experienced many of the same issues I did with my Army husband who was away for a year. Sometimes when people are cheating they do these things to you to keep you jumping and missing the real issue. That would be sad, but not the end of the world. The good part is finding out truth, whatever that is.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

No the showering thing I learned is normal for her. Her siblings verify that. Yet NOONE told me this before. Nothing she does is to drive me away. She wants this marriage. As i said. She doesnt realize she is doing anything wrong. However wont look to see there is an issue. Its all good in her eyes and i am just being emotional


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Oh, I am 5'2"and 100 pounds and was in the military. I had no problem holding my own and am in no way like your W in terms of personality. True power comes from within, not from manipulating other people but by leading by example, never ask anyone else to scrub the toilet you crap in is my motto, but be willing to clean up someone else's vomit and guts and protect their pride.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> 18. When she was home she would go with only 1 shower a month. When she was at her army unit for the weekend because she had to. I mentioned this and the only response I got was "So"


Ewww....what?? Once a month? Oh god.

Man up! DO IT. She doesn't respect you....but you don't seem to respect yourself.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

I agree homemaker. Military wise and previous statements. I am in counceling now. PTSD from combat 8 years ago. (She doesn't get that either. Thinks I should be fine...) On your other points I agree. She wont do therapy. To her nothing is wrong with her. I love this woman to death. When she lets her "Normal" side through I see the woman I fell in love with. A part of it is about me but alot of it is because i know this isn't normal behavior and I am concerned for her. Her parents are too. Her dad hates that she takes his points to heart and not mine. It makes him mad. She knows this and was perfect for a month. But then she just reverted. I know its going to be a long battle. It is however nice to get advise from those who have been there. Gives me alot to think about. So thanks!!!! ;P


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

That girl. I do have an issue with self respect. Working on it. Yes. A month. Along with not shaving, brushing teeth, anything. Even nail clipping. Dagger toes much? I once told her. TOLD her to take a shower this is gross and not right. She went into the bathroom. Sprayed perfume on herself and then went out with a friend. Someone said she does it to drive me away. No she just doesnt care.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She brushes her teeth once a month?

She doesn't even respect herself.


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## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Nope she would rather eat chips play on her laptop and watch movies. She does nothing unless she wants to.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Irish I reckon you are in love with an image of your wife that doesn’t exist in reality. That you are in love with an ideal of who your wife SHOULD BE, not WHO SHE ACTUALLY IS.

And you want her to change to meet your IDEAL WOMAN profile. It’s never going to happen.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I mean no disrespect but if she's always been this way, I think you need some IC (individual counseling) to find out why you are attracted to this type of woman.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You could move out and just only see her when she is cleaned up. I think she is making you compete with her daddy and enjoys the power trip she feels from toying with the both of you. You could probably just move in with her dad, and then if she wants to see either of you, she'd have to be cleaned up. Somehow, you are stuck in this cycle so things have to change and something gradual or touchy feely is not going to work. Have you tried this man up thing? I finally had the guts to tell my H he needed to grow some b*lls and stop wearing a skirt when it came to dealing with the people in his life who were manipulative (mostly women). He countered by asking me to make a list of stuff I needed him to do and to manage him better. To be honest I can be more of a guy friend than a woman wife person and I have to work at that. NOT the external stuff but the general attitude of thinking too much like a guy and not being wife-*****y like sometimes. I had a dream one night that I was talking to a guy friend and he was in the men's room and I went in there and was thinking S won't mind if I am in the men's room, he knows I am a guy. But truly, I need to get out of the men's room. And you probably need to get out of the lady's room, emotionally speaking. I never give advice I am not willing to follow myself  It is one thing to want a pal, it is another thing to want a spouse. They are not the same thing, to get the spouse you want to be with sometimes you need to take the pal hat off once in a while and get busy. I moved out. I think that had a lot of power in terms of being a b*tch that my H can complain about publicly. LOL. Truly it was a good thing to do for our relationship but I can't explain exactly why. However, I did have the dream about getting OUT of the men's room.


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