# Debate style in relationships



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Have you ever been turned off a romantic partner by the way they argue when you're discussing something? For me it is a bit turn off if a partner interrupts me or is condescending during a debate, or if they express a reasonable argument in a tone that displays contempt towards me in some way.

Assuming you are ok with someone disagreeing with you (I assume that for most adults), what do you find to be unattractive or a red flag when you are discussing or debating something?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever been turned off a romantic partner by the way they argue when you're discussing something? For me it is a bit turn off if a partner interrupts me or is condescending during a debate, or if they express a reasonable argument in a tone that displays contempt towards me in some way.


Yeah, I wouldn't be able to live with that. They would never get as far as being a romantic partner.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Yes I have. If someone wants to argue, but can't defend their position, makes a purely emotional argument or argues with the aim to manipulate me, it's a complete turnoff. The latter reason really brings out the asshole in me and I purposely argue to run circles around and demolish them. I know that sounds really assholish, but at that point, they're just asking for it.

Hey, is this something personal? What's going on with you?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I overanalyze a lot to try and weed out red flags which is not always productive but that's another story. Was debating something with a guy I started seeing and was looking back on a conversation we had. Not really sure who was wrong. When we were debating something, he cut me off a couple of times, and kept asking "yes or no" to various questions when i responded that the question couldn't be answered with a yes or no because neither answer would be a full answer. I understand it is a debate method but if I am talking with someone, I still want to feel I am respected by them, even if my point of view isn't one they agree with. Without that respect, I really don't enjoy debating. Then when I felt some points he was making showed a lot of contempt to teachers, I asked why he was even spending time with me if he didn't respect what I do. He didn't exactly apologize but side stepped and took the debate in a different direction. He has very tangential thinking and I couldn't tell if it was just how his mind works or if he was deliberately doing it to try and throw me off balance. Maybe I just prefer dialog with someone less combative? I don't really know...


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hmm, that sounds more like a bullying tactic than a debating one. Of course, it depends on the topic and whether it involves facts or emotion. Some topics are just too contentious to debate, especially if you're standing on opposite sides and can bring out the worst in people. If that's the case, I suppose you have to decide what you want more, peace or debate.

It's hard to give good input without details, sorry. It sounds rather political, are you two on opposite sides of the fence perchance?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> Hmm, that sounds more like a bullying tactic than a debating one. Of course, it depends on the topic and whether it involves facts or emotion. Some topics are just too contentious to debate, especially if you're standing on opposite sides and can bring out the worst in people. If that's the case, I suppose you have to decide what you want more, peace or debate.
> 
> It's hard to give good input without details, sorry. It sounds rather political, are you two on opposite sides of the fence perchance?





TXTrini said:


> Hmm, that sounds more like a bullying tactic than a debating one. Of course, it depends on the topic and whether it involves facts or emotion. Some topics are just too contentious to debate, especially if you're standing on opposite sides and can bring out the worst in people. If that's the case, I suppose you have to decide what you want more, peace or debate.
> 
> It's hard to give good input without details, sorry. It sounds rather political, are you two on opposite sides of the fence perchance?


I agree. A political debate (if that’s what it was) can get really heated quickly. That’s off limits in my family because of the extreme positions, on both sides, that some of them hold. And not everyone is interesting in debating. They feel they are correct and you are not. Maybe he’s one who thinks that way — in which case debating will need to be avoided if you want to be with him.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I agree. A political debate (if that’s what it was) can get really heated quickly. That’s off limits in my family because of the extreme positions, on both sides, that some of them hold. And not everyone is interesting in debating. They feel they are correct and you are not. Maybe he’s one who thinks that way — in which case debating will need to be avoided if you want to be with him.


Yeah, it's ridiculous, but not unexpected. That's why I can't really judge the dude without knowing more.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever been turned off a romantic partner by the way they argue when you're discussing something? For me it is a bit turn off if a partner interrupts me or is condescending during a debate, or if they express a reasonable argument in a tone that displays contempt towards me in some way.
> 
> Assuming you are ok with someone disagreeing with you (I assume that for most adults), what do you find to be unattractive or a red flag when you are discussing or debating something?


I enjoy debating however ex did have a condescending and disrespectful tone that pissed me off or pushed me away. I don't know if she realised it but when I pointed it out she did go back to being cute. I tried not to point it too much and tried to accept it as one of her flaws.

I suspect the reason for this is due to her interactions with her dad who bullies her mum and she argued in that way as it works on him. It is quite rude and shows contempt but she was just a product of her childhood.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Debates are a good thing, especially between mates, or potential mates.
Debates show how each thinks, what each thinks, and if they are open to compromise (when appropriate).

It becomes an act of contention when one dominates the other and acts _The Master Debater._
Acts the _jack off _with all that trading emotions, back and forth.

If so,_ next_ them.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> Hmm, that sounds more like a bullying tactic than a debating one. Of course, it depends on the topic and whether it involves facts or emotion. Some topics are just too contentious to debate, especially if you're standing on opposite sides and can bring out the worst in people. If that's the case, I suppose you have to decide what you want more, peace or debate.
> 
> It's hard to give good input without details, sorry. It sounds rather political, are you two on opposite sides of the fence perchance?


Not really. We were debating about education system in this country which I agree has a lot of flaws but he made the argument at one point that principals whose kids fail out of school should be sent to prison for failing their job. I think or hope it was hyperbole. And when I pointed out how many people have a hand in a student's education when they are a minor and that that was a bit reductive and extreme when he could have just said there should be more accountability, it felt as though he was being a bit combative and I felt attacked personally like he was saying there was a responsibility there that I have in elementary school if my students fail out of school or don't graduate when they are in high school. 

I am trying to parse out my feelings about debating with partners. When I was married now XH would steamroll me and not listen. My XBF would want to monologue and not have a dialog and would try and shush me which inevitably ended in an argument if he was espousing really offensive to me statements such as misogynistic ones 

My response to current guy I am seeing was more or less that "if you want to rant and monolog I can deal with that in limited quantities but if you want to engage in a dialog you cannot keep cutting me off. If you will allow me to respond I would like to but just let me know which situation this is." He did allow me to respond but I found his inability to listen at first, and his combative arguing style to be a bit of a turnoff. So I don't know. Eventually I just disengaged until he calmed down a bit. I am not fond of heated arguments because I have some trauma from my marriage of XH hitting walls, getting combative and using abusive language.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> Not really. We were debating about education system in this country which I agree has a lot of flaws but he made the argument at one point that principals whose kids fail out of school should be sent to prison for failing their job. I think or hope it was hyperbole. And when I pointed out how many people have a hand in a student's education when they are a minor and that that was a bit reductive and extreme when he could have just said there should be more accountability, it felt as though he was being a bit combative and I felt attacked personally like he was saying there was a responsibility there that I have in elementary school if my students fail out of school or don't graduate when they are in high school.
> 
> I am trying to parse out my feelings about debating with partners. When I was married now XH would steamroll me and not listen. My XBF would want to monologue and not have a dialog and would try and shush me which inevitably ended in an argument if he was espousing really offensive to me statements such as misogynistic ones
> 
> My response to current guy I am seeing was more or less that "if you want to rant and monolog I can deal with that in limited quantities but if you want to engage in a dialog you cannot keep cutting me off. If you will allow me to respond I would like to but just let me know which situation this is." He did allow me to respond but I found his inability to listen at first, and his combative arguing style to be a bit of a turnoff. So I don't know. Eventually I just disengaged until he calmed down a bit. I am not fond of heated arguments because I have some trauma from my marriage of XH hitting walls, getting combative and using abusive language.


Damn, girl. I'd be turned off in this instance too. I'll cut people slack for politics and moral arguments as it's so easy to get carried away at times, but this is plain ridiculous. Is he also a teacher or a principal? That seems like an extreme stance to take if he's not part of the system (then again my stance on that is probably pretty harsh, I don't think people should be protected from failure, it produced entitled little ****s).

Did you tell him how you felt afterward when he calmed down or just go quiet on him?

I have issues with interrupting people at times and that stems from my FOO, because if you didn't interrupt, you get lectured at. My bf spoke up with his concerns because it's not something he's used to. I asked him to let me know when I was doing it, and I've gotten much more self-aware when I'm doing it and check myself, but am not offended when I'm doing it and he calls me on it.

Maybe here's where you could learn to be ok with speaking up for yourself too, not just go quiet to avoid conflict. It could be a growing moment for you (or both, depending on his reaction).


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever been turned off a romantic partner by the way they argue when you're discussing something? For me it is a bit turn off if a partner interrupts me or is condescending during a debate, or if they express a reasonable argument in a tone that displays contempt towards me in some way.
> 
> Assuming you are ok with someone disagreeing with you (I assume that for most adults), what do you find to be unattractive or a red flag when you are discussing or debating something?


Condescending or patronizing tone, like you say.
When I'm talking and I can see that they're busy formulating a rebuttal in their head rather than actually listening.
When they bring up some ridiculous exaggeration as an attempt to invalidate my point.

I grew up in a home with a lot of fighting so my tendency is to be conflict-avoidant. Whenever I've been with partners who have difficulty discussing something without blowing it up into a massive argument I've generally stayed silent, which has led to resentments building (of my own making, I know). Which is not a healthy way to handle disagreement.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever been turned off a romantic partner by the way they argue when you're discussing something? For me it is a bit turn off if a partner interrupts me or is condescending during a debate, or if they express a reasonable argument in a tone that displays contempt towards me in some way.
> 
> Assuming you are ok with someone disagreeing with you (I assume that for most adults), what do you find to be unattractive or a red flag when you are discussing or debating something?


I was dating someone back in February and got into a heated political debate with him one evening. He had very set ways off viewing certain aspects of the political system and I'm way more laid back, my attitude is one of you can't know what you don't know. He kept cutting me off and it was pissing me off but I recognized it was more out of passion for the topic than rudeness.

Anyway, I didn't think the conversation went very well, he seemed bothered a lot by my opinions and I assumed that because I didn't see things his way he must think less of me but the next time we got together he was telling me why he liked me and one of the reasons he stated was my intelligence. Really surprised me. So he had been listening and paying attention when I was speaking and recognized that my opinions were at the least well thought out.

Your guy may be chewing this over and thinking on it. He may surprise you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If they are good in bed, I tend to be more tolerant...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> Not really. We were debating about education system in this country which I agree has a lot of flaws but he made the argument at one point that principals whose kids fail out of school should be sent to prison for failing their job. I think or hope it was hyperbole. And when I pointed out how many people have a hand in a student's education when they are a minor and that that was a bit reductive and extreme when he could have just said there should be more accountability, it felt as though he was being a bit combative and I felt attacked personally like he was saying there was a responsibility there that I have in elementary school if my students fail out of school or don't graduate when they are in high school.
> 
> I am trying to parse out my feelings about debating with partners. When I was married now XH would steamroll me and not listen. My XBF would want to monologue and not have a dialog and would try and shush me which inevitably ended in an argument if he was espousing really offensive to me statements such as misogynistic ones
> 
> My response to current guy I am seeing was more or less that "if you want to rant and monolog I can deal with that in limited quantities but if you want to engage in a dialog you cannot keep cutting me off. If you will allow me to respond I would like to but just let me know which situation this is." He did allow me to respond but I found his inability to listen at first, and his combative arguing style to be a bit of a turnoff. So I don't know. Eventually I just disengaged until he calmed down a bit. I am not fond of heated arguments because I have some trauma from my marriage of XH hitting walls, getting combative and using abusive language.


Wow, he said principals should be sent to JAIL for "failing" at their job if a student drops out of school? That's a massively absurd statement.

Anyone who says this in conversation probably has some deeper dysfunction going on, because that is so far from a realistic statement.... I'd be worried, personally, and probably it would provoke me to really evaluate this person and probably not go any further with them. 

I don't have the bandwidth to suffer fools anymore.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> If they are good in bed, I tend to be more tolerant...


And that's how men end up in **** relationships, time and time again. Just sayin.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> And that's how men end up in **** relationships, time and time again. Just sayin.


Maybe you missed my smiley? I'll put it again here...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

We discuss things, but the act of trying to debate the other into changing mind is a buzz kill and never works.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> We discuss things, but the act of trying to debate the other into changing mind is a buzz kill and never works.


I could never be with somebody whose ideals I hate or even dislike, or I don't like 100% in the first place. So, there would be no debate...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I could never be with somebody whose ideals I hate or even dislike, or I don't like 100% in the first place. So, there would be no debate...


Yeah, I could never be with someone who's ideals I hate or even dislike. That would never be a starting point as it would never exist


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Livvie said:


> And that's how men end up in **** relationships, time and time again. Just sayin.


Not for the men who know how to tap and run 😊


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Not for the men who know how to tap and run 😊


Eww.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

So...it sort of made me realize we need to slow down a bit. He also made some sort of "joke" obnoxious comment about how if I got pregnant that it would be my problem not his. I don't want to ruin his winter break so maybe in the new year we will take a step back.

I'm a bit hesitant because it does seem like I am always the one breaking things off in a relationship. Maybe I am just broken. Either way we probably aren't meant to be together.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> So...it sort of made me realize we need to slow down a bit. He also made some sort of "joke" obnoxious comment about how if I got pregnant that it would be my problem not his. I don't want to ruin his winter break so maybe in the new year we will take a step back.
> 
> I'm a bit hesitant because it does seem like I am always the one breaking things off in a relationship. Maybe I am just broken. Either way we probably aren't meant to be together.


Uhm, that's not funny. No **** is good enough to deal with that crap! He sounds like an ass.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> Uhm, that's not funny. No **** is good enough to deal with that crap! He sounds like an ass.


I agree. He's an ass. Totally. I support ending it now so you can have a peaceful holiday.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I agree. He's an ass. Totally. I support ending it now so you can have a peaceful holiday.


I am starting to realize this. It's a shame as he initially presented very well. I leave after Christmas day to visit family anyway so I think I will just end things in the new year.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> So...it sort of made me realize we need to slow down a bit. He also made some sort of "joke" obnoxious comment about how if I got pregnant that it would be my problem not his. I don't want to ruin his winter break so maybe in the new year we will take a step back.
> 
> I'm a bit hesitant because it does seem like I am always the one breaking things off in a relationship. Maybe I am just broken. Either way we probably aren't meant to be together.


You’re not broken for recognizing immaturity/idiocy. His comment was very lame. I’d let him go and not feel any loss over it either.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> Have you ever been turned off a romantic partner by the way they argue when you're discussing something? For me it is a bit turn off if a partner interrupts me or is condescending during a debate, or if they express a reasonable argument in a tone that displays contempt towards me in some way.
> 
> Assuming you are ok with someone disagreeing with you (I assume that for most adults), what do you find to be unattractive or a red flag when you are discussing or debating something?


If they exhibit sarcasm. If she says something being sarcastic, I will do that thing in spades! Do not get sarcastic with me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe you missed my smiley? I'll put it again here...


A smile while in the heat of the matter.

A frown the rest of the time, that 98% of the no-rest drama.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Compatibility insures that no, or few bumps in the road will be met.

Any arguments had, would be over what to eat, what to watch on the Telly.

The only passion witnessed would be those different shades of 😊 joy.

Ah...

Maybe, in the next life. 🤔


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

I hate it when my wife interrupts me mid-sentence or starts shaking her head before I'm finished speaking. 

On the condescending stuff, I have a very powerful guy I work with who is VERY literal. I'm somewhat literal and can relate, but he takes it to a whole different level. 
His natural and I mean natural way of debating comes off as VERY condescending, but I've learned it's just his style. He actually doesn't mean it. How do I know?
Well, the way he talks to people makes you think he's talking down to you and is actually pissed at you. However, I noticed just a few minutes later he will ask about your day or advice on something with a smile. He holds no grudges. He definitely could use some management skills and my guess is if we weren't in such a small company he would have been before HR a number of times. Luckily for me, I just let it roll off my back, but others in the office struggle to do this. 
He is very helpful and always willing to lend a hand or teach you something. He wants everyone to succeed in what they do. I guess this doesn't bother me because I'm more of an action-over-words type of person.


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