# Do We Settle For Second Best?



## WomanScorned

I know that people will say when it comes to love, wait for the right one to come along. But what if one comes along that you can see yourself with even though it's not exactly what you had in mind? Do you settle? In one way, it's nice not to love someone too much: then they can't hurt you as much. And at my age I'm worried that if I'm too picky I'll end up alone. I'm no spring chicken, and I'm finding on dating websites that men my age tend to want younger women. Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way.


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## nice777guy

Mind if I ask - what's your age?

Would ending up "alone" really be all that bad?


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## Dellia

So many people want what they see in the movies; the perfect person, the fireworks....and the fireworks are wonderful, but even those relationships can have the very same problems as any. That 'chemistry' does not prevent the very same issues arising that do in any marriage.
What is important to you, in the end? I mean you could wait it out for your dream guy, with the perfect looks and personality and find him to be lacking in morals (for example). The decision has to be yours. How important are looks, morals, personality, values, etc. You have to make your own scale. But honestly, I would keep in mind that single men aren't falling from the sky, and less of them with each year that passes (age). With any man you choose, you have to decide to focus on HIM and build your love and life with and for him. Love does grow and strengthen when we have our focus in the right place.  Best wishes to you


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## WomanScorned

I'm not looking for the 'perfect' guy. I'm in my 40's. I'm just trying to be realistic. I'm a younger woman to the guy I'm currently dating. It seems that when the guys get older, the gals they want get younger. I wonder why that is? My ex did that, too. His girlfriend is 20 years younger. 

Is love the second time around different? How? That's probably more what I'm wondering. What does it look like? :scratchhead: I hope that makes sense.


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## DTO

nice777guy said:


> Mind if I ask - what's your age?
> 
> Would ending up "alone" really be all that bad?


Yes.

You have to offer much to get much. A lady looking for a guy to take care of her (not saying that's you) might have problems getting any takers. So, what are you bringing to the table that would attract a guy to you?

Do you have an income and/or assets that can complement his to make your lives better? What lifestyle standards do you have? What kind of financial arrangement would you need? 

How willing are you to build relationships with a guy's family (adult or teenaged children, parents) and friends?

Agree that you need to be self-sufficient - comfortable and capable by yourself - to be happy in a relationship. Getting with someone out of personal need (you hate being alone or life is too expensive) can lead to compromises that create tensions as the compromising partner decides it just isn't worth it.

Personally, the finance issue is huge for me. I'll be 40 this year and rebuilding to a large extent after dealing with a divorce, unemployment, and the costs (B-school) of rebuilding my career. I simply don't have a whole working career to rebuild, and I have a child not likely to receive much financial help from her mom as she goes to high school and college.

At this age, I would be skeptical of a lady who needed help in that regard at this stage of her life. Moveover, ieven if I found someone I was willing to downgrade my sacrifice for, I might not have the funds to do so.


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## EleGirl

WomanScorned said:


> I'm not looking for the 'perfect' guy. I'm in my 40's. I'm just trying to be realistic. I'm a younger woman to the guy I'm currently dating. It seems that when the guys get older, the gals they want get younger. I wonder why that is? My ex did that, too. His girlfriend is 20 years younger.
> 
> Is love the second time around different? How? That's probably more what I'm wondering. What does it look like? :scratchhead: I hope that makes sense.


The reason older guys often want younger women is because younger women tend to be better looking than older woman. Men are visual.. they like good looking woman.

Older men who chose very young women.. like 45 year olds who hook up with 20 year olds are usually also looking for a girl they can have more control over.


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## DTO

WomanScorned said:


> I'm not looking for the 'perfect' guy. I'm in my 40's. I'm just trying to be realistic. I'm a younger woman to the guy I'm currently dating. It seems that when the guys get older, the gals they want get younger. I wonder why that is? My ex did that, too. His girlfriend is 20 years younger.
> 
> Is love the second time around different? How? That's probably more what I'm wondering. What does it look like? :scratchhead: I hope that makes sense.


Call me simple-minded, but:

I am a firm believer in the theory that women are attracted to men who can support a family (whether they have one or not). That tends to mean more stability, more confidence / ability to deal with the world, higher income and asset levels; which generally means older.

Men are attraced to certain physical characteristics that are associated with youth (I guess that's some unconscious indication of her fertility).


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## hurtingsobad

I must be weird....

I am 48 and I am attracted to a woman who is 49..

I find an older woman more mature, sophisticated, assertive, and adventuresome. No inhibitions, no training needed.....

What else could a guy ask for.....really??!!


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## nice777guy

EleGirl said:


> The reason older guys often want younger women is because younger women tend to be better looking than older woman. Men are visual.. they like good looking woman.
> 
> Older men who chose very young women.. like 45 year olds who hook up with 20 year olds are usually also looking for a girl they can have more control over.


Ok - just to flip this around for a second - what does a 20 year old girl want with a 45 year old man?

Aren't most 20 year old girls fairly "visual" too in what they are looking for?

I'm almost 40 and don't plan to go trolling the college bars when my D is final. Plus - I'm done having kids - so I would only see myself in relationships with others who are also done having children.


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## SimplyAmorous

I think it would be WISER to remain single .....over deciding to "settle". At least with being single, you really aren't alone, you are just not attached, without the ball & chain and there is still HOPE to find that man that takes you by surprise, with all those crazy passionate feelings of one who knocks you off your feet...with it playing out you have a ton in common too.. So many fish in the sea.. Might have to get a little creative in finding that special one that fits you like a glove.

IF you "settle" and you look at it as "settling" ... I feel there is a great chance you will regret it down the road . I mean, noone is perfect, we need to be realistic in these things, we even have some baggage as we get older, but I think we would all have a hard time hearing we were "settled" for. That would really hurt!!! 

I've seen too many do it, then end up divorcing after a few years- then finding the "one" they can't live without. At the very least, keep dating , and until you have that Peace & jubilation deep within that this person is meant to be with you till your dying day, and you want to be with them ..... better to hold off on any marraige plans.


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## goincrazy

I'll never settle. That's what I was doing for years and years in my marriage until I realized that I couldn't start a family like that. Now I'm 34 and I may never have children, but at least I have a chance to meet someone and fall in love. If I don't have children I will be upset, but I can deal with it. I could not deal with being in a loveless and sexless marriage.


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## WomanScorned

It's so hard to express one's self on the internet. I think I meant more along the lines of love, but maybe not as much as we loved the one we just lost. I can see myself loving someone, but I'm afraid to love that passionately again because I don't know if I could handle another break up like this one. It literally did about kill me (have serious depression issues). So, in that sense I think I meant should I settle for less passion? The whole dating thing is new to me. I never have dated as an adult before, and I don't know how to navigate it all. And I feel love for someone right now, but it's not the same passionate feeling I had for my ex. But is it enough? Or should I wait until I feel that passion again? But look how that one turned out.....I dont' know if this is making any sense.


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## Limping

You are making perfect sense WS. You are scared to open yourself completely again. When you do you not only allow yourself to experience the best that the relationship offers, you also open yourself to the possibility of greater pain. Having abused children I see it all the time. They put up a wall in order to prevent someone from hurting them before they have a chance to.

I would suggest to you that until you could imagine yourself being given completely again that you not enter into a serious relationship. It would be unfair to the both of you as they will sense the boundaries and be hurt by your reserve.

I also think love is a verb. It is an action. You DO love. That is what will allow love to survive the inevitable changes in BOTH partners in a marriage. I no longer believe that there is a "perfect" person for me. Mainly because I know no perfect people. 

My thinking is this. If there are no perfect people there cannot be to imperfects put together, with the extra stresses that entails, that will be "perfect". That said, I do believe that you can find happiness, especially if you do NOT look for the perfect mate. Then you go into it looking at how you both can WORK at your love to make life good. If you go into it thinking that you are perfect, the first time they show that they are human, you will be disappointed and then the cycle begins anew. 

Been through that cycle, do not care to repeat it. The problem is finding someone that knows themselves well enough to know who they are, not who they WANT to be. My Ex said all the right stuff and even performed that lifestyle for a LONG time. In the end, however, she just could not be someone she wasn't. She wanted to, she just couldn't.

Find yourself, find someone you are attracted to that KNOWS themselves and WORK at making it work. Best of luck to you.

Bill


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## WomanScorned

Thanks all of you for your insightful responses. I need to know myself first. I may have jumped into the dating scene too soon.


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## nice777guy

I would just like to meet someone I could talk to and have some fun with. Anything more than that right now would probably be a mistake.


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## LovesHerMan

You might consider meeting people through volunteer groups, hobbies, rec centers, and adult ed classes. Internet dating probably seems too much like a meat market and encourages stereotyping. When you meet people in person it is easier to get a feel for what they are really like rather than what they project online.

Like niceguy said, it is best at this stage to have light interactions rather than judging each person as a potential marriage partner.

As for your question about being hurt again, when you reach the end of your life will you look back and think that you really lived, or will you regret that you protected yourself from pain in a cocoon from the world?


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## [email protected]

I know how you are feeling. I went through a divorce from a man I thought was the love of my life. We did not even last a year. 
A month after my divorce I met an amazing man. I know everyone says to wait longer, and we both agreed it was really soon, but this man is the sweetest, kindest soul I have ever met. We took it REALLY slow at first, and built up our relationship. 
We have now been together for a year and a half, and have recently moved in together. 
I still have some unresolved feelings, some hurt, and guilt over my first marriage failing, but I talk to my guy about it all the time. We both agree it may be many years before I am completely healed. But that I deserve a good life. 
Divorce is a trauma you have to heal from. BUT-if the right person comes along are we supposed to turn our back on them?
I will never love in the same way again-my first love was passionate, strong, and very abusive. It becomes an addiction.
I got smarter. This new love is tender and caring, and patient. It inspires me to try to be patient with myself as well. 
I still have hard days, and dark days, but I am open to my guy about them, and I think that honesty is the key. 
Don’t deny yourself the happiness you deserve.


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## MissHim

Being over 40 and dating is not easy for a woman. It is even harder when you realize what a great husband you had, and how hard they are to find. I have determined that there is a very good chance i will never marry again. I want to be loved as I was loved the first time and just not finding it.


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## [email protected]

MissHim said:


> I want to be loved as I was loved the first time and just not finding it.


MissHim, I know it gets harder when you get older, and you can think "what the hell do people know" but the one and only point I was trying to make is that No- you will never find someone to love you in the same way as your first marriage, but you may find another kind of love. It will never be exactly the same, and you cannot force it to be. 
I am sure you are not the same person, and whom ever you find would not be the person you lost. 
I believe things happen to teach us something about ourselves. My hope is that at least my second time around I know myself better, I am wiser, and stronger, my second love is not like the first, but was that not the point?


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## WomanScorned

I think that's the key: the fact that the love will be different from the one before it. Not that it's 'second best', as I titled this thread. That wasn't quite what I meant, I guess. As I get to know the man I'm with now I am growing to love him. But it's a different love. That's what was disturbing me. Not that he's second best, but that it's different. We're building a dating relationship not based on friendship, as the first was, but friendship is growing from the romance this time around.


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