# Why Cheating is so unfair



## itsanewday (Jan 1, 2010)

Going through this right now; I need to have a bit of a rant.

For me, I was a loyal and dedicated husband. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect, but to me it was pretty special. We were long distance because she was gone for training for over 5 months but I stuck to my guns that eventually she would be home and we would continue to grow together.

Well, on the contrary she comes home with lots of baggage. She had an emotional affair. She had grew distant and disinterested.
*
Why cheating is so unfair is because of the ambush of feelings.* I am expecting a loving wife and now she is cold and confused. Of course my heart has been broken but hers isn't - she has someone to talk to. I did some research that matches my disbelief that she even has a lack of guilt. The "just happened" logic. The reality is that its a lot easier to get over someone when you have someone, the "bounce". Now, I am out in the cold after having a terrible xmas and she has not made any effort to contact me, her husband. The reason, because she doesnt want to deal with it over the holidays because ultimately my broken heart is of little concern to her. I am guessing she is more worried about the loss of the house, income and respect of peers.

I will finally see her tomorrow after a week and a half of separation and armed with more knowledge of these types situations even though I am still in shock that she did this. Its unfair that any married person has to play the "game" again. Having to not show their true feelings, ie I just want her back, but I cant beg because it would make it worse. I have to hold back my love and even anger which is something I thought I would never would have to do before. I mean, WE ARE MARRIED!! 

Tomorrow I will have to play it cool just to hope to get through the first 24 hours because I dont even know which bed to sleep in or if when I arrive if should be wearing my wedding ring.

All I know is that my new years resolution is to never fall into this absolute faith crap and to be more critical of reality. Hopefully someone reads and can learn from it because this can happen to anyone and its better to at least have a thought on the possibility then be ambushed like I was.


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## helpmeunderstand (Dec 22, 2009)

itsanewday, I feel for you as I am going through almost the exact same thing. In my case we wore going through some issues and both of us were neglecting the marriage, I was slow to catch on to the problem, but when I did finally catch on I tried to get the w to counseling. She initially refused but has now agreed. Our first session is in 3rd week of Jan, but we are pretty much agreed it is over. I found text msgs on her cell phone, to another guy at work. The realization I have come too is that as much as I love her (and I still do), she is a perpetual lyre and does not seam to show much remorse for what has happened. I can't trust her and although she says she loves me her actions say other wise.

I hope you have a good family and friend support structure, if you do I think that could help you survive the pain. Unfortunately I have no one, something I have to work on.

I wish you all the best and keep posting (it's good therapy). There is a lot of help here.


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## itsanewday (Jan 1, 2010)

I know, this website is pretty good to know there are ppl out there with the same feelings. The pain at first was literally unbearable. I never felt emotional pain like that before, it literally hurt me. I would work out so hard so that when I was in pain and exhaustion it made me forget the emotional pain - for a bit. 

You need to reach out to people. Some people really get it, its amazing. They may not know you really well but some really understand your pain and will listen. Unfortunately, there are people out there who don't get it and are of little assistance. Just avoid those types. Fortunately, this website is full of people who do understand the overwhelming pain that affects everything you do. Keep strong - you will get through this, because you know what?? I WILL TO!!!!!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

any kind of affair is unfair, it just opens up so many questions about everything, you ask why, how could it happen. and I think you have so many feelings of what is wrong with me, why wasn't the relationship strong enough, and why didn't I know my spouse could do this. there is so much anger and pain


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## Sucker (Jan 3, 2010)

IMO, as long as the one having the affair realises it was wrong, that is THE biggest start to rescuing a relationship.
It will take a lot (in most cases) for the "innocent" partner to understand and forgive, but once you both realise that you have a relationship worth hanging on to, then I think you are BOTH winning.

An affair is testing - the realisation that what you both have, is worth giving up the third party for is THE important point, and will make it all the stronger, given the chance.

I say be thankful your partner has seen how stupid and thoughtless they were _at the time_, but how thoughtful and responsible they have since become.


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## jason (Dec 12, 2009)

itsanewday, I think you're doing great accepting the situation. I'm in a similar situation as you, found out about my wife's (physical) affair a month ago, moved out and pretty much haven't seen her since, but I'm still very much in love with her. I actually wasn't so in love with her before I found out, but I guess it's the wanting that what you can't have mentality that causes this.

I think you're very lucky your wife only had an EA. That means something's wrong with your relationship but you might be able fix it. The trust is not completely broken yet (at least it wouldn't be for me if this had happened to me) - it's just a huge red flag that you guys must change something in your lives.

Good luck buddy!


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## helpmeunderstand (Dec 22, 2009)

> IMO, as long as the one having the affair realises it was wrong, that is THE biggest start to rescuing a relationship.


This is my biggest concern. I feel my W thinks the EA was justified because of the issues we were having. I don't think she is remorseful or at least I haven't seen it. I have been reading the book "10 stupid things men do to mess up there lives" and have found it very helpfull. I realize I have some issues I need to address but I have yet to see that commitment from her. I am reserving judgment until we go to out first counseling session and see how that goes. But I also now have come to the painful conclusion that I can't have the marriage I desire and need if we both don't change.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I agree with you 100% it is so unfair. We have reconciled and I have a lot of questions like "how could you do this with her knowing it would hurt me" and the response was the same. "I was selfish, I wasn't even thinking of you." 

Here is something more unfair, We have been together more years than the OW has been on the earth (we've been together 23 years, since we were kids. She is only 21!) I have also been publicly humiliated and confronted on 3 different occasions about my H's affair. That blows me away, I really can't fathom why I am the villain, I was the injured party. (two did it out of spite, they had found out and used it to hurt me the thrid was a friend who was drunk and angry we didn't confide in him and he heard through someone else). I lost some of my closest friends because I couldn't stand how they acted (gossiping) and I trust no one now. So unfair...

Well all I can say is time heals. I am doing better now but then again I've had the full support of my H and commitment to make this right. That's the only way it will work. 

To your other point, so much easier to get over someone when you have someone else...that's a recipe for a disastrous rebound relationship! Hold off on that. But you do need your friends, they can be your support system. If you have no one close then develop new friends through new activities. That has helped me, though I will never tell another soul about what happened due to my last experience but just having people in my life who care, helps.


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