# Remarriage, Blended Families & The Family Home



## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Hi all,

I'm seeking advice about a specific situation and I would like very much for the discussion to stay on topic. I have a thread in the Private Section if you need more back story.

*TL;DR... Please share your experience with regard to blending families after divorce and living in the family home.*

For the sake of this discussion, I will share that my partner and I have been living together for the past three years; romantically involved for five years. We have plans to get married next Spring. Our relationship began as an extramarital affair and we eventually separated from our ex spouses and filed for our respective divorces. My divorce was finalized about a year ago and his will be final in early 2019. He has met my adult kids, but I haven't met his adult daughters and they have only recently learned about me.

The crux of the matter is that we will be moving into my partner's family home in a few months, as agreed upon in his divorce settlement. His ex knows that he has a girlfriend, but I'm unsure if she knew that I would be moving into the house with him on the designated moving date.

I'm not concerned with legalities of the situation as that part is a done deal, just awaiting a judge's signature. I am seeking advice about relational issues. Within a few months, his daughters are hearing about their dad moving into the family home and their mom moving to a place of her own in another state (her choice). Further, dad's girlfriend will be moving to the family home.

I propose meeting the daughter who lives closest to us in a neutral space, for example, lunch or dinner at a restaurant. The other daughter lives out of state, but there's a chance that we could meet over the holidays. I'm not sure that's the best timing though.

It's a complex situation and I want to be respectful to all involved. I do know that both daughters have not lived at home for a very long time (since before college). I'm unsure if their bedrooms are used as guest spaces or if they are as they left them before college.

The other side to this is his ex and what I can only imagine she is going through as she is preparing to leave that space. I was in a similar position with my own divorce and I sorted through and packed almost 30 years of memories as well. I don't have to communicate with her since we are not dealing with young children in this situation, but *I wonder if I should reach out to her as well*?

*Any advice or experiences or even resources regarding blended families with adult children and moving into the family home would be appreciated.* Thank you!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What’s the rush to move in together?

If you both just take a breather, get yourselves settled as individuals, slowly get to know each other’s friends and families....what could that hurt?

Whereas rushing into his previous marital home will, I promise you, cause many issues.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Leave the x alone. Let his daughters choose to meet you. Don't force this on them.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Are you still financially dependent on your bf? I think that's the crux of the issue here. That you have nowhere else to go? And don't you start a new job soon? Could that help facilitate you getting a place of your own for the time being?

I strongly urge you to not reach out to his soon to be ex wife. I just don't think anything good can come of that.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Your last update to your other thread indicated that you had started a new job, had broken up with your boyfriend and were on your way to becoming independent. Now you are moving into his previous marital home??? :scratchhead:

As @turnera said in your other thread ... "you make my head spin".

Whatever you do leave his adult children (and his wife) alone ... if they want a relationship with you let them initiate. I have experience with this because I have an adult daughter whose father has other women and has moved several of them into the home she grew up in ... nothing good came from his girlfriends trying to ingratiate themselves with my daughter.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't reach out to his daughters. It doesn't matter how long it's been since they've lived there, they probably still consider that their home and aren't likely to be happy you're moving in. They will probably want to see their dad going forward and they may prefer that it's away from home and doesn't include you. Your bf avoids confrontation as much as possible so he may not be much help in this. It will be up to his daughters to decide where you fit in their lives. 

You've been advised many times to *not* contact his STBXW. There's no reason to. The advice still stands.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do the daughters know that you cheated with their dad and broke up their parents marriage?(It seems weird that you have been in a relationship for 5 years and he has only just mentioned you to them????) If so then I doubt they will want much to do with you to be honest, if anything. Out of respect I would wait a year before you move in after she leaves, they are still married right now after all.
Most relationships that start with cheating don't last anyway, so keeping your own home and he his is probably the sensible thing anyway. Then they can visit their dad at their family home and no one needs get upset.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Leave the ex alone, be kind to the daughters and do not overly exert your presence in their lives. As a child of divorced parents in which 'daddy's new friends' were often forced into my world, we are well aware of how new partners attempt to overly ingratiate themselves to us and it reeks of insincerity. Take it slow with the daughters and be kind, that's all you need to do.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honestly, the best thing you can do for your relationship is to rent out your current home and his marital home and then you buy or rent a completely new home together. A fresh start.

Do not reach out to his ex wife. Shame you didn't show concern for her when you were sleeping with her husband. Too little too late.

The chances of this actually lasting long term is very, very small, so make sure you have something to fall back on - keep your home and dont join finances.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It's astonishing to me that you've been living together for three years, and in a relationship for five, and his daughters have just recently learned about you. There's nothing about that, much less the rest of this situation, that sounds remotely healthy. In any case, I think it's a bad idea to push too hard to be included in their lives. Their father will already be moving his new flame into their childhood home on the heels of their mother moving out. It's likely to be weird and awkward and upsetting for them. So be kind and don't push. All pushing will do is amplify the awkwardness, and that's something that will be in large enough supply already that there's no need to highlight it further. 

And I would strongly encourage you to allow his wife to move out in her own time, according to whatever their divorce decree requires, with no interference from either you or your boyfriend. After she's moved out, then you two can begin making plans to move in if that's your intention. But you shouldn't contact his wife. That you think such a thing might be a good idea speaks to your somewhat vague understanding of appropriate boundaries.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If the two of you are not going to be honest with them about your history, then you might as well not even bother with the daughters. I can pretty much guarantee that they are not going to want to have anything to do with the woman who destroyed their parents' marriage. 

I KNEW you didn't break up with this POS. I cant believe you are keeping yourself in this ridiculous situation.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Please stop trying to assuage your guilt by sucking up to his wife and kids. It's nauseating. Nothing you ever do will make what you did ok. Just accept it and let the others move on with their lives. You are not going to be one big happy family. The truth will come out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Zanne said:


> The other side to this is his ex and what I can only imagine she is going through as she is preparing to leave that space. I was in a similar position with my own divorce and I sorted through and packed almost 30 years of memories as well. I don't have to communicate with her since we are not dealing with young children in this situation, but *I wonder if I should reach out to her as well*?


Why on EARTH do you think you could provide any kind of comfort or guidance to this woman when *you* were 50% of the reason she's now IN this position of packing up her entire life and moving out of state?

What would you say to her? That you're _*sorry*_ you helped her husband lie to her face every single day, and you helped her husband hide his betrayal of her and their marriage every single day? And to be clear - as long as you played by his rules during your affair and *DIDN'T *tell her you were involved with her husband then yes, you were helping him every single step of the way. That's just a fact.

Just reading all the responses you're getting confirms what I figured anyway - that your 'boyfriend' is a complete POS and his ex-wife probably isn't yet fully aware of how *lucky* she is to be divorcing him. One day, she will. 

His daughters likely know daddy is a POS as well, so it probably doesn't matter what kind of fake dog and pony show you put on for his daughters because they already know who you are. I am surprised that you're still in hiding where his family is concerned because usually, those who have found their 'soul mate' want to scream it from the rooftops, yet at the end of the day, you're *still *his dirty little secret. Gosh, that's so odd.

Anyway, maybe you can meet the girls for a light lunch and have girl talk with them and give them marital advice. Do be sure and tell them that when a man makes his OW his girlfriend or wife, she leaves a vacancy. Sharing little pearls of wisdom along those lines will surely bond you all together eventually.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I honestly have no idea why anyone would be in the least interested in a person who clearly has no moral values, no integrity, who lies and deceives and abandons his own family, and who cant even be a man and tell them the truth of what an awful father and husband he has been. I honestly have no idea how anyone thinks that a man like that will make a good husband in any way. 

You try and come over as if you care about his wife and children, but your actions have shown that you care NOTHING about them. Don't pretend that you suddenly care after you destroyed their lives. Too little too late, why did you date a married man in the first place? Where are YOUR moral values and integrity? You honestly deserve each other.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Wait, you broke up their marriage and now you want to communicate with his Ex? Leave her alone. She probably loathes you and with good reason. And don't expect much from his kids. You and their dad destroyed their family, so they aren't likely to warm up to you. In fact, if you move in with them, sleep with one eye open.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

you've been in a relationship with him for 5 years and never met the daughters? How does that happen? Doesn't this seem like a red flag for you? You don't know if their rooms are guest rooms are if they are the same as before college? You've never been to his house? Something is not adding up.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, I wouldn't reach out to his STBXW.
Secondly, you've been together for FIVE YEARS and you still haven't met his kids? Is this because you haven't wanted to, or he hasn't wanted to introduce you? Either way though, this is a huge red flag.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

katies said:


> you've been in a relationship with him for 5 years and never met the daughters? How does that happen? Doesn't this seem like a red flag for you? You don't know if their rooms are guest rooms are if they are the same as before college? You've never been to his house? Something is not adding up.


His wife lives in the house. He and Zanne live in (I believe) an apartment.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rowan said:


> It's astonishing to me that you've been living together for three years, and in a relationship for five, and his daughters have just recently learned about you. There's nothing about that, much less the rest of this situation, that sounds remotely healthy. In any case, I think it's a bad idea to push too hard to be included in their lives. Their father will already be moving his new flame into their childhood home on the heels of their mother moving out. It's likely to be weird and awkward and upsetting for them. So be kind and don't push. All pushing will do is amplify the awkwardness, and that's something that will be in large enough supply already that there's no need to highlight it further.
> 
> And I would strongly encourage you to allow his wife to move out in her own time, according to whatever their divorce decree requires, with no interference from either you or your boyfriend. After she's moved out, then you two can begin making plans to move in if that's your intention. But you shouldn't contact his wife. That you think such a thing might be a good idea speaks to your somewhat *vague understanding of appropriate boundaries.*


Boundaries, yes.

And standing in one's own light, seeing life through only one set of eyes, her own.

All things considered, she is doing well, is very lucky.

Luck is a gift.
Gifts can be dashed.
Thrashed by the smallest rift.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ursula said:


> First off, I wouldn't reach out to his STBXW.
> Secondly, you've been together for FIVE YEARS and you still haven't met his kids? Is this because you haven't wanted to, or he hasn't wanted to introduce you? Either way though, this is a huge red flag.


He wanted to keep everything on the down low so that his wife didn't take him for everything in the divorce. He is a real stand-up guy...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> He wanted to keep everything on the down low so that his wife didn't take him for everything in the divorce. He is a real stand-up guy...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Calling the wife whose husband you had an affair with which led to him leaving her for you. That belongs in the bad ideas hall of fame. Sounds to me like it would come off as nothing more than rubbing her face in it. From that point on the daughters would hate you and it would probably damage their relationship with his daughters more than the whole situation already has and will. 

Be prepared for the following to happen, unless the daughters feel their father was right to leave their mother. The daughters will withdraw from their father, this will start to way on them. He will then begin to realize he didn't just end his marriage he ended his relationship with his daughters as well. At this point he may realize the only way to repair that relationship and be able to have a relationship with his grandkids will be to lose you. If your boyfriend is any kind of decent father you will lose that battle. 

I highly recommend you not move in with him at this time. Find yourself good employment get your own place for a year, and make the decision to take your relationship to the move in after his divorce has been final for a year. 

Jumping the gun will have some real nasty consequences.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm happy to see that practically everyone's telling you to leave his STBXW and his daughters alone. His daughters will rightly despise you for being instrumental in the breakup of their family. You probably don't see anything wrong because you did the same to your family. 

Here on TAM, people are disgusted by this. I'm sure on LS, you'll be a hero to the other dual home wrecker wanna be's 

But since you're determined to go forward with this, at least get a new place. Don't desecrate their childhood home. Just because their POS dad doesn't see anything wrong with it, you should try to have a bit of dignity and insist on getting a new place to start your new relationship.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

FalCod said:


> Wait, you broke up their marriage and now you want to communicate with his Ex? Leave her alone. She probably loathes you and with good reason. *And don't expect much from his kids. You and their dad destroyed their family, so they aren't likely to warm up to you.* In fact, if you move in with them, sleep with one eye open.


^^This.

If my darling Dad had ever done this to Mum, my brothers and I would have never forgiven him. He would have lost not only our wonderful Mum but us and our children as well. 

Luckily my Dad was a good man, Mum and us kids were his entire world. I guess your POS bf's family wasn't so lucky hey?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Thanks to everyone who replied for your feedback. The responses from people who have dealt with this sort of situation were most helpful.

To clarify a few things: I am working full time. I landed a very nice job here with good benefits. My boyfriend also has a decent salary. That said, we are currently commuting about 75 min each way to our jobs and look forward to moving closer. My boyfriend’s home, which is 5 min from our respective jobs, is located in one of the most expensive communities in our country. We can’t afford to rent here. However, the house is part of his inheritance, so it makes sense for him to live there. His ex received a very generous settlement in return.

He has met up with his daughters since his separation and they’ve even done trips together. They have known for awhile that he’s seeing someone, but we don’t all live near each other so a meeting with me hasn’t happened and frankly, he didn’t encourage it until the divorce was all settled. My concern now is that I will be moving to the house before such a meeting can take place. Thanks again for the advice.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His daughters may know he's "seeing" someone but they likely don't know how long you've been in his life. That's probably going to matter to them if they ever hear the truth. Not to mention you moving into what was their family home. 

This is unlikely to work out the way you want.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I thought the house would only be part of his inheritance if he didn't upset his father. Wouldn't moving you into the house right after the STBX moves out possibly upset the balance there?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Pam said:


> I thought the house would only be part of his inheritance if he didn't upset his father. Wouldn't moving you into the house right after the STBX moves out possibly upset the balance there?


His father is 95 years old and never comes to his house. It was in the divorce decree to not let his father know anything about the proceedings. His ex would lose her settlement and so she agreed. If his dad calls in the mortgage, they are both screwed. I have nothing to do with it and will be buying my own house back in my home state as an investment of my own as soon as I am more established at my job.


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

Zanne said:


> His father is 95 years old and never comes to his house. It was in the divorce decree to not let his father know anything about the proceedings. His ex would lose her settlement and so she agreed. If his dad calls in the mortgage, they are both screwed. I have nothing to do with it and will be buying my own house back in my home state as an investment of my own as soon as I am more established at my job.


His kids won't say anything to their grandad?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Tiggy! said:


> His kids won't say anything to their grandad?


They know the drill.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm just curious - is there *anyone* on God's green earth that your beloved Prince Charming *doesn't* lie to for his OWN benefit? 

Anyone at all?

He lies to his father for financial gain, has his STBex-W and kids lying to his father as well, he lied to his wife while he cheated on her with you and plotted behind her back, he lies to his daughters and pretends he only recently started seeing you, and let's be honest - the lies he's told YOU since the day you met him (and the lies he *continues* to tell you) probably number easily up in the thousands.

I really believe when you align yourself with deceitful, sneaky, slimy people, then constant deceit, manipulation and sneakiness simply become your new 'normal' and you're not even* aware *anymore that you're no longer living even a _remotely_ authentic life. Kind of like the frog in the pot of warm water whose unaware that the water is slowly getting hotter and hotter - until it finally boils and kills him. Yeah, kind of like that.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm just curious - is there *anyone* on God's green earth that your beloved Prince Charming *doesn't* lie to for his OWN benefit?
> 
> Anyone at all?
> 
> ...


He has his reasons not to inform his father and obviously his ex has her own reasons.

As for me, I’ve already told him that I’m not lying to anybody, including his kids and that was in the context of telling him that I intend to live an authentic life, to which he replied that he understood and wanted that for himself as well.

Obviously the whole story will unfold eventually, he’s just buying time until the divorce judgement is entered. His dad will always side with him, so there’s no issue there. He just didn’t want him meddling in the divorce.

We have plans to meet up with my boyfriend’s daughter in two weeks. Just had a nice visit with one of my kiddos too, and another one is coming out next month. I’m feeling good. My job is going well and I’ve been able to start saving money. Everything seems to be moving along in the right direction, just a lot going on, especially with the move in two months.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Zanne said:


> He has his reasons not to inform his father and obviously his ex has her own reasons.
> 
> As for me, *I’ve already told him that I’m not lying to anybody, including his kids and that was in the context of telling him that I intend to live an authentic life, to which he replied that he understood and wanted that for himself as well.*
> 
> ...


So are you planning on telling his children when you really started seeing each other when (not if) they ask?

Does he plan to tell his dad when he started seeing you after the divorce is over? I thought he was afraid of losing his share of the business and inheritance if his dad were to find out about his behavior. Or was he concerned his dad would write out his wife, the mother of his children if he knew they were divorced?

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are special and that he will never lie to you.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> So are you planning on telling his children when you really started seeing each other when (not if) they ask?


Yes, I do. I’m not going to force anything on them though. If they ask me a question, I will answer it truthfully.



Araucaria said:


> Does he plan to tell his dad when he started seeing you after the divorce is over? I thought he was afraid of losing his share of the business and inheritance if his dad were to find out about his behavior. *Or was he concerned his dad would write out his wife, the mother of his children if he knew they were divorced?*


It’s the latter. I’ve been saying all along that he was protecting her. There’s also a component where he wants privacy from his dad and siblings; mostly his dad, who likes to meddle in his kids’ lives and control them with his money.



Araucaria said:


> Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are special and that he will never lie to you.


Honestly? I think most people who have been betrayed will have a hard time completely trusting another person. It’s just the way things are. I don’t let it dictate my life though. I won’t go out of my way to snoop and spy on him. I think living with someone for three years is enough time to know whether you are compatible or not.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This whole relationship has been based on lie after lie!!! 

I still firmly believe that someone should tell his soon to be ex wife the whole truth - that the lying [email protected] has been cheating and deceiving her all along. She is going into this divorce without knowing the whole truth and I, for one, feel sorry for her.

This is not a healthy relationship and at one point I thought you realised that. In any case, its good that you have a good job and I really thought that you were on the mend.

This piece of [email protected] has lied to his daughters and even his own father so he is what he is - its a shame that you cannot see that. 

Really, I hope that someone tips his father off and he gets what's coming!!!!


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

I totally agree with your post "manfromlamancha"!!!!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Zanne said:


> It’s the latter. I’ve been saying all along that he was protecting her. There’s also a component where he wants privacy from his dad and siblings; mostly his dad, who likes to meddle in his kids’ lives and control them with his money.


I can't wrap my head around how your boyfriend's wife will get any $ from his dad now that she is divorced. From this point on your boyfriend is only protecting himself financially.

His dad's money is just that: his money. Your husband is a grown man who can get a job, what stops him from having integrity and letting his dad make his own decisions with his own money?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Zanne said:


> I think most people who have been betrayed will have a hard time completely trusting another person. It’s just the way things are. I don’t let it dictate my life though. I won’t go out of my way to snoop and spy on him. I think living with someone for three years is enough time to know whether you are compatible or not.


I don't understand what you are saying. Who was betrayed in your relationship with your boyfriend? Your spouses were betrayed, not you.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> I don't understand what you are saying. Who was betrayed in your relationship with your boyfriend? Your spouses were betrayed, not you.


You don’t know my whole story, Araucaria, and I don’t expect you to know it. I wasn’t referring to my current relationship.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > It’s the latter. I’ve been saying all along that he was protecting her. There’s also a component where he wants privacy from his dad and siblings; mostly his dad, who likes to meddle in his kids’ lives and control them with his money.
> ...


It's a complicated situation. His father holds the mortgage for their house. It’s in a trust fund. Presumably it will be part of my boyfriend’s inheritance. They agreed on an amount she will receive when the mortgage is payed off. She is also receiving a very nice monthly amount. She will be fine financially speaking. His dad never would have allowed it.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> This whole relationship has been based on lie after lie!!!
> 
> I still firmly believe that someone should tell his soon to be ex wife the whole truth - that the lying [email protected] has been cheating and deceiving her all along. She is going into this divorce without knowing the whole truth and I, for one, feel sorry for her.
> 
> ...


Well, it’s going to be all out in the open soon enough.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Zanne said:


> You don’t know my whole story, Araucaria, and I don’t expect you to know it. I wasn’t referring to my current relationship.


Oh. I forgot you had a life before Mr. Zanne! My bad!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

How many years until the Mortgage is paid off if his dad lives many more years? I imagine it will be paid off in full when his dad dies, right?

Will your husband be able to afford to pay her if his dad gets angry with him and cuts him off?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Zanne said:


> Well, it’s going to be all out in the open soon enough.


No its not. Not really. His wife will never know the true level of his deceit (and cowardice, for that matter). And what she will get to know (besides being untrue) will be too late. You know all this and yet you still are going through with this! You really need to get help with your self esteem.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Well, it’s going to be all out in the open soon enough.
> ...


Too late for what purpose?

You all make some fine judgements based on what I have told you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Zanne said:


> Too late for what purpose?
> 
> You all make some fine judgements based on what I have told you.


Too late for her to fully exact compensation from him for his contemptible behaviour. Right now she thinks they are divorcing because of irreconcilable differences instead of his cheating and infidelity.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Too late for her to fully exact compensation from him for his contemptible behaviour. Right now she thinks they are divorcing because of irreconcilable differences instead of his cheating and infidelity.


Yep. No matter how much Zanne insists that he is "taking care" of his ex, the fact of the matter is that she would have gone after things differently if she had the benefit of the truth, most likely ending up with much more than what she is now. And despite him showing her close up and in person what a slimeball he really is, Zanne thinks he craps rainbows and is never going to change her mind about being with him no matter what we say here or how we say it. She is just as deceitful as he is, no matter how much religion she thinks she's found, and she is as remorseless as he is. I know we all keep hoping she will come around. She is afraid to be on her own, and buys his crap hook, line, and sinker so she doesn't have to be.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> How many years until the Mortgage is paid off if his dad lives many more years? I imagine it will be paid off in full when his dad dies, right?
> 
> Will your husband be able to afford to pay her if his dad gets angry with him and cuts him off?


It’s still a mortgage like any other. They had two options: sell now and split proceeds; or sell later and she gets a large sum of money (an amount which she proposed and he eventually agreed on) and one of them would reside in the house. She already had plans to move out of state, so it made sense for him to live in the house.

He actually cannot afford to rent in this area since he now has a monthly spousal support payment which is nearly half his income - and again, she proposed the amount and actually wrote most of the written agreement, so most of the remarks here saying otherwise are by people who assume they know when they obviously do not.

As far as I’m concerned, the past is in the past. I’m not going to lie about my past. My family knows everything. My pastor knows everything. But it’s time to move on.

I look forward to meeting his daughter and it sounds like she is looking forward to meeting me too. That is a current concern and one of my reasons for starting this thread. The other stuff is behind me now.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Zanne said:


> As far as I’m concerned, the past is in the past. I’m not going to lie about my past. My family knows everything. My pastor knows everything. But it’s time to move on.
> 
> I look forward to meeting his daughter and it sounds like she is looking forward to meeting me too. That is a current concern and one of my reasons for starting this thread. The other stuff is behind me now.


Lying by omission is still a lie. Pretending the past did not happen is not the way to move forward. What I do not understand is why you are so terrified of being on your own without an SO? Why you settle for so little in a partner ... i.e. a man who deceives others for his own purposes and gains? What makes you think you are immune from his deceptions?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> What I do not understand is why you are so terrified of being on your own without an SO?


In my marriage of almost 30 years, I was alone and on my own raising five children, two with life threatening illnesses. There isn’t much I’m afraid of except having my kids die before me. Even still, God would get me through.

This man takes very good care of me and we enjoy each other’s company very much. I could speak to his other qualities, but no one will believe me and/or they will think a low point in his life defines him as a person forever.

I’m sure his daughter will ask questions, so I don’t see how I will be able to evade the truth of the situation, unless I lie, which I won’t.

Her dad officially told her about me a few months ago, but she already knew from her mom. She asked him if I was the reason he divorced her mom and he told her “no.” She has said more than once that she looks forward to meeting me.

From everything I’ve heard about her, she’s a wonderful young woman and I look forward to meeting her too!


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

I asked politely in my original post to keep the discussion on topic.

I appreciate the replies of sincere advice or experience.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Zanne, I apologise for going off topic if that is what I did. I think you already know how I feel about the POS that you are with. I do not think that you are a bad person, just damaged from being in a difficult relationship with your husband and kids. I understand your need to be "taken care of" and I was kind of hoping that as you got stronger and more independent, that you would be in a better state to see him for what he is and the way things are. You have a job - great! Your kids are doing OK - great! You got away from your less than healthy marriage - great! You are still with this lowlife - not great for you or anyone else! I understand that you are grateful and that is all I see here - gratitude for him spending money to help you. You are a spiritual person and deep down you know what he is.

Please do not lie or sugarcoat the truth to his daughter. She really needs to see him for what he is. He would not have made a move towards divorce if he had not been spurred on by you - you must know that by now. So to say he is divorcing his wife is not because of his cheating with you is not true. He would have just drifted on looking for where he could get his rocks off next. He certainly did not have the balls to stand up to his father or his wife.

I understand also that you do not want to seem ungrateful, but the sooner you get away from him and dependence on him, the better for you. He is already dragging you down to his level in terms of lying and cheating.

I would not even think of remarriage or a blended family at this stage. Why would you do this ?

If you need companionship go out and find someone good and loving.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Zanne, I apologise for going off topic if that is what I did. I think you already know how I feel about the POS that you are with. I do not think that you are a bad person, just damaged from being in a difficult relationship with your husband and kids. I understand your need to be "taken care of" and I was kind of hoping that as you got stronger and more independent, that you would be in a better state to see him for what he is and the way things are. You have a job - great! Your kids are doing OK - great! You got away from your less than healthy marriage - great! You are still with this lowlife - not great for you or anyone else! I understand that you are grateful and that is all I see here - gratitude for him spending money to help you. You are a spiritual person and deep down you know what he is.
> 
> Please do not lie or sugarcoat the truth to his daughter. She really needs to see him for what he is. He would not have made a move towards divorce if he had not been spurred on by you - you must know that by now. So to say he is divorcing his wife is not because of his cheating with you is not true. He would have just drifted on looking for where he could get his rocks off next. He certainly did not have the balls to stand up to his father or his wife.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words, Man. I don’t see lots of dating prospects out there, just more broken people.

I will not lie or sugarcoat the truth to his family or anyone. I’m not in a popularity contest though. I’m just a broken person too. But I’m trying and I see him trying as well.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Zanne said:


> I asked politely in my original post to keep the discussion on topic.
> 
> I appreciate the replies of sincere advice or experience.


I read all here.
Setting it all aside.The 2 of you have made your choices.

Live, and let live.

Worrying too much about future, detracts from enjoying what one has.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Maybe you should just repaint all the kids rooms and toss out any mementos while you're at it.

Living there will be a huge mistake for you.

BTW, my wife's father cheated on their mom 25 years ago and they still hate the woman he later married.

Holidays are awkward whenever she does attend.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Zanne I apologize for threadjacking.

Knowing your history it is hard for me to believe that you are authentic or sincere. Rather, you are doing damage control.

Authenticity is revealed in the fire. You and your lover have simply manipulated enough things to work in your favor to where you feel safe to throw around the word "authenticity." 

Even when asked a simple question by his adult daughter, your boyfriend still lies. 

He was still living in the family home with his wife and probably a child or two when the two of you met on TAM and began your affair.

I believe that eventually your anger is going to well up against him for keeping you in the shadows, denying your existence for so many years. Even though you don't deserve to be angry, since you are an affair partner, you are still a human being, hopefully with some sense of dignity.

I'm going to drop out of your thread. 

You will probably not get any constructive help from me or TAM members because of your history.

You would do better getting a book or two about blended families.

I'll put you on ignore since I can't seem to stop myself from posting on your threads.

If you ever decide to stop having an affair and break up with your boyfriend, and you want to talk with another Christian who knows your history, you can PM me.

"For whatever is done in the darkness will be brought to the light." (Luke 8:17)

and

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in good time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.” (Galatians 6:7-9).


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Zanne said:


> The topic of remarriage and blended families is one to which many can relate. You chose to go off topic and attack me.
> 
> I am sincerely trying to make the best of a bad situation.


The best of the bad situation is for the both of you to go your separate ways. Your relationship is tainted (look up statistics and you will see why) and I don't buy for a second that the daughter is so excited to meet you, since you helped break apart her family, even if she is out of the house. The polite thing for you to do if you intend to stay with your paramour is to stay out of their affairs.

ETA: Missed that he lied to his daughter, nevermind the above, you both sound great for each other!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OP, I just dont get why you want to be with a man who lies and cheats and deceives even his own children. He is still lying to them and deceiving them and that is just terrible. This whole relationship has been based on deception and lies and cheating. 
I highly doubt it will last because if he can act with way with his wife and children, he can just as easily act that way with you if he isn't already. He has no integrity at all.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you want to rug sweep is that this isn't a situation where two divorced people who met and fell in love are going to marry and blend their families while living in what was the marital home. You have a much different life than that. You were outed to your adult children by your then-husband and apparently you came clean immediately and now they're okay with what you did. But he's still lying to everyone in his family and has been for years and doesn't plan to come clean and you're going to go along with it unless they ask you questions. You'll continue to live a lie. 

Eventually you'll discover that the past is never really as distant as you want it to be.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> OP, I just dont get why you want to be with a man who lies and cheats and deceives even his own children. He is still lying to them and deceiving them and that is just terrible. This whole relationship has been based on deception and lies and cheating.
> I highly doubt it will last because if he can act with way with his wife and children, he can just as easily act that way with you if he isn't already. He has no integrity at all.


I think you missed the part where she also lied and cheated on her then husband to be with this man. If nothing else, they have a lot in common going for them.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@Zanne I've read all of your threads and I think this is maybe the first time I've ever posted on any of them. The whole time I've wanted to ask you: What I truly don't understand is why you think so little of yourself that you'd settle for second best in the 2 most important areas of your life? Someone else's husband and someone else's house? 

I don't ask this in a mean spirited tone. I am genuinely curious.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Openminded said:


> What you want to rug sweep is that this isn't a situation where two divorced people who met and fell in love are going to marry and blend their families while living in what was the marital home. You have a much different life than that. You were outed to your adult children by your then-husband and apparently you came clean immediately and now they're okay with what you did. But he's still lying to everyone in his family and has been for years and doesn't plan to come clean and you're going to go along with it unless they ask you questions. You'll continue to live a lie.
> 
> Eventually you'll discover that the past is never really as distant as you want it to be.


I’m not trying to erase the past or rewrite it, but the truth is, the past... is in the past.

I said that I won’t lie about the past and that’s still not good enough for this forum. I mean honestly, it is expected that I show up to a dinner with his daughter to meet her for the very first time and I start the meeting by confessing everything?

I think it’s true that I will not get serious responses here. I’m grateful for the few helpful contributions though.

You know, everyone warned me that my kids would all turn on me and I would lose all of my family and all of my friends and NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. In fact, I’m still close with my ex husband’s family! I stayed with my ex MIL when I went home for a visit last fall!

So maybe you can see why I would be hopeful for a positive outlook with my boyfriend’s family.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> @Zanne I've read all of your threads and I think this is maybe the first time I've ever posted on any of them. The whole time I've wanted to ask you: What I truly don't understand is why you think so little of yourself that you'd settle for second best in the 2 most important areas of your life? Someone else's husband and someone else's house?
> 
> I don’t ask this in a mean spirited tone. I am genuinely curious.


He is not someone else’s husband and it’s not going to be her house as of the date we move in. There was an even exchange for that house and SHE actually wrote the agreement!

I don’t see myself in a contest for him or as second best for that matter. We both married young the first time around and we hope to get it right this time. He married his STBXW after knowing her 6 months; both virgins when they married. I married my high school sweetheart after getting pregnant with my oldest. Sometimes those young relationships work and sometimes there is too much water under the bridge.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You can say he's not married now but he IS still married to her at least for a few more months. So stop lying to yourself - he IS still married!

And he has kept you a secret for almost 5 years! That's not cool. It's not cool that you had an affair with her husband that caused the divorce.

Don't expect anything from his kids - they will know everything in due time...and they won't like what you've done.

Leave his wife alone.

You're planning to live in the house as soon as she moves? That's awful - cook where she cooked? Have sex where THEY had sex for decades? Gross!

Stay independent from him!!!! Allow him to live there without you!

He can ask you OUT on a date!

Are you so desperate to live there for free that you risk all the relationships in his life? Stay away and let him live in his family home on his own. He needs alone time to process his marriage ending!

Just be alone for a while. It would help you to growtoo.

One guarantee = you move right into their Mothers home and play happy life with their Dad = those kids are gonna resent you big time forever! How could they not?

And I don't understand the rush to get married... he's kept you a secret this long - why can't you wait so his family unit has time to get used to Dad not being with Mom?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> Thank you for your kind words, Man. I don’t see lots of dating prospects out there, just more broken people.
> 
> I will not lie or sugarcoat the truth to his family or anyone. I’m not in a popularity contest though. I’m just a broken person too. But I’m trying and I see him trying as well.


But you are lying right? You've lied every time you went along with being kept a secret...for FIVE years!

And you also said he's not married - which is also a lie.

Do you wish to quit lying to yourself and us - or do you want to keep playing these manipulative games?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Zanne said:


> I’m not trying to erase the past or rewrite it, but the truth is, the past... is in the past.
> 
> I said that I won’t lie about the past and that’s still not good enough for this forum. I mean honestly, it is expected that I show up to a dinner with his daughter to meet her for the very first time and I start the meeting by confessing everything?
> 
> ...


You're definitely getting serious responses. They just aren't what you want to hear. 

This forum is rarely sympathetic toward cheaters. Especially when the affair is between two members and plays out here. You know that. But you've posted about this for years and your actions have been condemned from the beginning. If you're looking for support for your affair I doubt you'll find it here.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You keep saying the past is the past, but understand this… once his children find out everything, it will not be the past for them. It will be as if it just happened. If you cannot be empathetic to that, you are in for a world of hurt. And honestly your hurt is something that you chose. There hurt is something that you and their father did to them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Zanne said:


> *He is not someone else’s husband *and it’s not going to be her house as of the date we move in. There was an even exchange for that house and SHE actually wrote the agreement!
> 
> I don’t see myself in a contest for him or as second best for that matter. We both married young the first time around and we hope to get it right this time. He married his STBXW after knowing her 6 months; both virgins when they married. I married my high school sweetheart after getting pregnant with my oldest. Sometimes those young relationships work and sometimes there is too much water under the bridge.


Say what?? Yes he absolutely HAS BEEN someone else's husband this entire time, until what, like 6 weeks ago?? Is it really even final yet?? If not, he IS still someone else's husband. Stop making excuses for both of you cheating on your spouses. You are trying to rewrite history. The fact of the matter is that you are both cheaters, no matter how much you try to edit the past, and you have been and still are living a dishonest life. I guess you deserve each other, we should all stop trying to sense into this dead horse.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

But he is still married now, right?

And the house has been lived in by his other wife for years, right?


Why doesn't he sell that house and buy a new one? Would he consider that?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> But he is still married now, right?
> 
> And the house has been lived in by his other wife for years, right?
> 
> ...


They both own the house. If they sold it now as part of the divorce settlement, she would not get much, even if he gave her his portion of the proceeds. If they keep the house until it is (presumably) part of his inheritance, than she gets a large sum of money; an amount which SHE proposed and he eventually agreed to. And yes, she is in on keeping all of this a secret.

His STBXW and their daughters have known about me for at least a year, but they do not know WHO I am. She knows I’m still a part of his life because it was discussed during mediation. It is also known that I will be living in the house. Again, she wrote most of the agreement and signed it knowing all of this. She even had legal counsel.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > *He is not someone else’s husband *and it’s not going to be her house as of the date we move in. There was an even exchange for that house and SHE actually wrote the agreement!
> ...


You are welcome to your opinion, but the reality is that people date when they are separated and divorce is pending. Now, before their legal separation and mine for that matter, we were seeing each other. We can’t go back in time and reverse that decision. It may seem like I’m being harsh, but honestly, that’s not what THIS thread is about. I stated it in my original post.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Zanne said:


> You are welcome to your opinion, but the reality is that people date when they are separated and divorce is pending. Now, before their legal separation and mine for that matter, we were seeing each other. We can’t go back in time and reverse that decision. It may seem like I’m being harsh, but honestly, that’s not what THIS thread is about. I stated it in my original post.


Your utter lack of remorse aside, this is absolutely what the "thread" will be about for his children. It will be all about how they lost THEIR family because you and he chose to cheat.

If you cannot see that you are not only without empathy, you are without basic awareness of reality.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > You are welcome to your opinion, but the reality is that people date when they are separated and divorce is pending. Now, before their legal separation and mine for that matter, we were seeing each other. We can’t go back in time and reverse that decision. It may seem like I’m being harsh, but honestly, that’s not what THIS thread is about. I stated it in my original post.
> ...


Nope, not what this is about. If you have experience with regard to remarriage and blended families, I would love to hear about it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You asked for advice on blending families and you were told that your situation is not the typical situation of two people who were divorced and free before they began dating without the baggage the two of you carry because of the circumstances. As much as you want to believe the past is the past, it will likely influence your future if his daughters find out the truth. They may have known for a year he's been "seeing" you for some vague amount of time but there's so much they don't know. Maybe you'll be lucky, and they won't find out, and maybe you won't be lucky. Maybe they'll forgive him if they do find out and maybe they won't forgive him. Maybe they'll blame you for the end of their parents' marriage and maybe they won't blame you. Time will tell.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do you support yourself enough to live on your own until the time you marry? Like six months?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Openminded said:


> You asked for advice on blending families and you were told that your situation is not the typical situation of two people who were divorced and free before they began dating without the baggage the two of you carry because of the circumstances. As much as you want to believe the past is the past, it will likely influence your future if his daughters find out the truth. They may have known for a year he's been "seeing" you for some vague amount of time but there's so much they don't know. Maybe you'll be lucky, and they won't find out, and maybe you won't be lucky. Maybe they'll forgive him if they do find out and maybe they won't forgive him. Maybe they'll blame you for the end of their parents' marriage and maybe they won't blame you. Time will tell.


Lots of maybe’s, which in my opinion are neither here nor there because nobody actually knows.

I understand that you are a BS and I value your opinion about that topic. That’s not everything though. That’s one piece to all of this. In the end, his ex is going to feel however she wants to feel.

Perhaps she will end up like my ex - somewhere in the middle. He actually admits his contributions to the downfall of our marriage and I have admitted to mine. We are on friendly terms now. That doesn’t mean he’s ready to meet my BF though.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Do you support yourself enough to live on your own until the time you marry? Like six months?


I can’t support myself where we currently live. It’s very expensive here. However, we plan to marry in 3 1/2 months.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Zanne said:


> Lots of maybe’s, which in my opinion are neither here nor there because nobody actually knows.
> 
> I understand that you are a BS and I value your opinion about that topic. That’s not everything though. That’s one piece to all of this. In the end, his ex is going to feel however she wants to feel.
> 
> Perhaps she will end up like my ex - somewhere in the middle. He actually admits his contributions to the downfall of our marriage and I have admitted to mine. We are on friendly terms now. That doesn’t mean he’s ready to meet my BF though.


That was my point -- there are lots of maybe's so advice on this topic is not all that useful with the circumstances you are dealing with. 

I would be far more concerned about how his daughters deal with this than how his ex does. She's about to be out of his life for all practical purposes. Not true for them. They greatly matter to him and they should. 

Blending families can be very difficult even when you aren't hiding things.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> I can’t support myself where we currently live. It’s very expensive here. However, we plan to marry in 3 1/2 months.


So why not wait until you get married to move there?

It will be an easier transition for his kids if they know you aren't moving right in on their Moms heels.

It also gives your OMM a chance to process his life separate from his current wife.

Even IF he pays a bit towards your place in the interim - I think it's smart for the long term goals of having a relationship with his kids.

Would he be willing to contribute towards your place until you get married?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Lots of maybe’s, which in my opinion are neither here nor there because nobody actually knows.
> ...


I agree, time will tell. I’m meeting one of his daughters this weekend. I made it clear to my BF that I won’t lie about our situation and he agreed that’s how we are moving forward.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Blended family, my advice - "ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE UNDER THE GUISE OF INFIDELITY..." Trust me, blood is thicker than water and the kids will side w/ their mom...they will blame you for the damaged to their core family. I dont know about your "boyfriend", so I will leave him out of this discussion. However, you call yourself a Christian (quote scripture, emphasis God in threads, etc,) well be prepared to be rebuked...You have shown no signs of repentance...in fact, you go on to ask if "I should reach out and contact her..."...WTF is your problem?! This is adding insult to misery...and it seems you are enjoying it!!?!?...But, why stop there right...its all about you...you know the dance...me me me...followed up by a whole 5hit load of I I I ...this whole thing is about YOU..."Oh, well...that's the past...and we don't talk about the past..." YOU will be the one whispered about during social parties....YOU will be the one talked about behind your back at ANY/ALL family gatherings...YOU will be put to the test and will come up short...always #2...never #1...you'll see, you want to talk about blended family's...well, trust me that is what you are in for...and it won't be pretty...at least for you...his exwife, no matter what she does...she's going to smell like roses..while you two...will ALWAYS smell like 5hit (do to how you met)...thats what is going to happen...

AND TO TOP IT THE F*&K OFF...AND TO PROVE THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU... you "plan" to marry in 3 1/2 months and you haven't even met his kids? Look, you f*&ked up...I get it...and here's the proof - "I can’t support myself where we currently live. " <-- Just let that sink in...see you can't stand on your own two feet and...to be honest, your boyfriend knows this AND has known this for...what...5 yrs...OMG...

So, you cheated on your exhusband and destroyed your family in the process (oh yea, kids think everything is A-OK right? you're fooling yourself!), than you go out and destroy another family b/c????...was your previous marriage that bad that you had to seek out another "married man" instead of just divorcing your then husband and start anew? Nope, couldn't do that right...that would take integrity, dignity and honor...

Please, if anything...get some help for yourself...I hope you are in IC...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Zanne said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Zanne said:
> ...


Are you at all remorseful about what you chose to do for 5 years?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I can’t support myself where we currently live. It’s very expensive here. However, we plan to marry in 3 1/2 months.
> ...


It would be ideal if I had my own place, but not realistic. Our lease is up and I couldnt afford it on my own anyway.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

"It would be ideal if I had my own place, but not realistic. Our lease is up and I couldnt afford it on my own anyway." <-- Zanne for the WIN!!!...So, basically you can't do jack 5hit w/o your "boyfriend"...

I don' think you should be worrying about a relationship w/ his daughters...kids...what have you...you...you should be worried about "KARMA" <--- Let that sink in...

I don't mean to sound harsh Zanne, but you have been doing this for what...5 yrs...and...the divorce is suppose to be final in 2019...and that could get delayed for any number of reasons...his dad, wife finds out more info, etc...and then what, you are going to wait around??....YEP, b/c you have no where else to go...I see a darkened, damp and lonely apartment above a bar in your future...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> It would be ideal if I had my own place, but not realistic. Our lease is up and I couldnt afford it on my own anyway.


Hmmm, so you don't have a plan B in place?

I mean... what happens if he changes his plans?

You have left YOURSELF at the mercy of what he does or doesn't do?


You should always have a plan that has you capable of supporting yourself!


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > It would be ideal if I had my own place, but not realistic. Our lease is up and I couldnt afford it on my own anyway.
> ...


I’m definitely not at his mercy. I have plenty of back up plans.

I just started a new job and so obviously I don’t have the means to put down a deposit, etc., especially around here, just so I can say I have a place of my own.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

irish925 said:


> "It would be ideal if I had my own place, but not realistic. Our lease is up and I couldnt afford it on my own anyway." <-- Zanne for the WIN!!!...So, basically you can't do jack 5hit w/o your "boyfriend"...
> 
> I don' think you should be worrying about a relationship w/ his daughters...kids...what have you...you...you should be worried about "KARMA" <--- Let that sink in...
> 
> I don't mean to sound harsh Zanne, but you have been doing this for what...5 yrs...and...the divorce is suppose to be final in 2019...and that could get delayed for any number of reasons...his dad, wife finds out more info, etc...and then what, you are going to wait around??....YEP, b/c you have no where else to go...I see a darkened, damp and lonely apartment above a bar in your future...


There is a waiting period in this state, otherwise it’s final.

Do you have any advice regarding remarriage and blended families? That’s the topic of this thread.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Blended families after marriage when an affair ended the first marriage...

Advice is - stay away and/or lay low... 

Wait and see how his family receives you...then and only then be gentle with them by being gracious and almost invisible.

What they want is their Dad.

You are just there because he ended up with you.

On most occasions find reasons to be gonewhen they come over to see Dad - at least for the first year.

That's the way to do the transition gently.

Do not allow those kids to see you in photos, cooking in their Moms kitchen or changing anything in their childhood home. 

Lay low - be as invisible as possible since you're determined to move into a house they associate with their Mom.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

irish925 said:


> Blended family, my advice - "ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE UNDER THE GUISE OF INFIDELITY..." Trust me, blood is thicker than water and the kids will side w/ their mom...they will blame you for the damaged to their core family. I dont know about your "boyfriend", so I will leave him out of this discussion. However, you call yourself a Christian (quote scripture, emphasis God in threads, etc,) well be prepared to be rebuked...You have shown no signs of repentance...in fact, you go on to ask if "I should reach out and contact her..."...WTF is your problem?! This is adding insult to misery...and it seems you are enjoying it!!?!?...But, why stop there right...its all about you...you know the dance...me me me...followed up by a whole 5hit load of I I I ...this whole thing is about YOU..."Oh, well...that's the past...and we don't talk about the past..." YOU will be the one whispered about during social parties....YOU will be the one talked about behind your back at ANY/ALL family gatherings...YOU will be put to the test and will come up short...always #2...never #1...you'll see, you want to talk about blended family's...well, trust me that is what you are in for...and it won't be pretty...at least for you...his exwife, no matter what she does...she's going to smell like roses..while you two...will ALWAYS smell like 5hit (do to how you met)...thats what is going to happen...
> 
> AND TO TOP IT THE F*&K OFF...AND TO PROVE THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU... you "plan" to marry in 3 1/2 months and you haven't even met his kids? Look, you f*&ked up...I get it...and here's the proof - "I can’t support myself where we currently live. " <-- Just let that sink in...see you can't stand on your own two feet and...to be honest, your boyfriend knows this AND has known this for...what...5 yrs...OMG...
> 
> ...


I’m not sure if you’re male or female, but your language is crude and insulting and so I can’t take you seriously.

You’ve made plenty of assumptions about me and my life and yet you really don’t know me.

For the record, my ex-husband destroyed our family with his addictions and threats. Meanwhile I raised our kids into the wonderful human beings they are today. That is why they are still VERY supportive of me to this day.

Despite being a SAHM for most of those years and turning down spousal support, I have managed to find a very good job with the state. That said, I’m still getting back on my feet after a health crisis of my own. I work hard every day and I’m not ashamed to say that I can’t afford to pay for a place of my own in one of the most expensive communities in the USA.

Sounds like you need some positive in your life. I wish you all the best.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Blended families after marriage when an affair ended the first marriage...
> 
> Advice is - stay away and/or lay low...
> 
> ...


Thank you. Good advice. I agree, lay low and be gracious.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Zanne said:


> Thank you. Good advice. I agree, lay low and be gracious.


What a hoot. @irish925 please save your breath for someone more deserving. A parasite does not acknowledge its host. Oh wait she _is_ wanting to reach out to the BS ... wth.

I was going to post more but frankly I can't be bothered.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Zanne said:


> I’m not sure if you’re male or female, but your language is crude and insulting and so I can’t take you seriously.
> 
> You’ve made plenty of assumptions about me and my life and yet you really don’t know me.
> 
> ...


You STILL don't own what you did! You actually just sat here and blamed your betrayed spouse! You should have left him if he was that bad! Likely he WAS that bad, but this is all on YOU and the selfish choice you made. You get all offended when you get called out but its always the truth, whether you like to hear it or not. 

I cant believe you actually said that. OWN WHAT YOU DID.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> I’m definitely not at his mercy. I have plenty of back up plans.
> 
> I just started a new job and so obviously I don’t have the means to put down a deposit, etc., especially around here, just so I can say I have a place of my own.


I'd be confirming those back up plans.


Things don't always go as planned - so get on your feet and be sure you can live independently.

And always make sure the plan B is in place in case things don't go as you expect - because they likely will be different than planned.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

"Thank you. Good advice. I agree, lay low and be gracious." DOES NOT EQUAL - "We are getting married in 3 1/2 months"


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

irish925 said:


> "Thank you. Good advice. I agree, lay low and be gracious." DOES NOT EQUAL - "We are getting married in 3 1/2 months"


For sure.

I think a wedding within a few months of him being single is bound to make a few family members lift their eyebrows.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I think they should get married. Why mess up two other peoples lives. They think and behave the same. Totally dreaming to think the kids will be open to someone that hurt their mother. I am sick of hearing how her kids think all is good. She left her kids with an abusive ex husband. Great mom material. 

The past is in the past only in your brain. My kids still after 20 years don’t forgive their fathers for his cheating. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I’m not sure if you’re male or female, but your language is crude and insulting and so I can’t take you seriously.
> ...


I stand by what I said. My ex destroyed our family. He destroyed my dreams. My cheating on him after I told him I wanted to divorce and his subsequent decision to threaten my life (before I was even on TAM and way before I met my boyfriend) was NOT the reason for my kids having a broken home. He knows that and he is trying to be a better person today. I forgive him for what he did and it’s in the past.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I’m definitely not at his mercy. I have plenty of back up plans.
> ...


Thank you, I agree, everyone should have a Plan B, even if it’s just a savings account. Life can change in an instant.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Tomara said:


> I think they should get married. Why mess up two other peoples lives. They think and behave the same. Totally dreaming to think the kids will be open to someone that hurt their mother. I am sick of hearing how her kids think all is good. She left her kids with an abusive ex husband. Great mom material.
> 
> The past is in the past only in your brain. My kids still after 20 years don’t forgive their fathers for his cheating.
> 
> ...


My “kids” are adults. They’re not left with my ex husband. They live on their own. I just spent a week with my youngest son and another son is visiting in a few weeks. I spoke with two of them today on my work break and connected with all of them on our group Snapchat and FB Messenger group as well. We are all very much in contact nearly every single day. Not so with their dad, but they still love and care for him very much.

Not all families are the same.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Zanne said:


> I stand by what I said. My ex destroyed our family. He destroyed my dreams. My cheating on him after I told him I wanted to divorce and his subsequent decision to threaten my life (before I was even on TAM and way before I met my boyfriend) was NOT the reason for my kids having a broken home. He knows that and he is trying to be a better person today. I forgive him for what he did and it’s in the past.


So you think what you did is finbe, and you think it was fine to help your OM do it to his family?

You have no remorse or empathy.

Have you ever taken any type of assessments regarding narcissism or sociopathy? That might definitely affect any future relationship with people who process morality and emotions normally, including the OM's children.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I stand by what I said. My ex destroyed our family. He destroyed my dreams. My cheating on him after I told him I wanted to divorce and his subsequent decision to threaten my life (before I was even on TAM and way before I met my boyfriend) was NOT the reason for my kids having a broken home. He knows that and he is trying to be a better person today. I forgive him for what he did and it’s in the past.
> ...


I didn’t say having an affair was okay. I was speaking to the accusation that my affair broke up my family, which is not true. It’s also not the reason my boyfriend divorced his ex. Doesn’t matter to me if that’s not believed here as I understand it’s a hypersensitive topic for some members. What happens IRL matters. Time will tell.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> I didn’t say having an affair was okay. I was speaking to the accusation that my affair broke up my family, which is not true. It’s also not the reason my boyfriend *divorced* his ex. Doesn’t matter to me if that’s not believed here as I understand it’s a hypersensitive topic for some members. What happens IRL matters. Time will tell.



I'll fix that for you DIVORCING... as in "in the process of"

I don't understand why you can't be honest here.

He isn't divorced yet. Past tense hasn't happened yet.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

People who destroy others families will always claim that the affair wasn't the reason. I bet that this man would still be with his wife if you hadn't come along and did what you did. Now if they had already been in the process of a divorce or divorced before you came along, then maybe I could believe you. 
When you both begin to be honest and open with the family about what you have done and how long you have known each other, then maybe I could begin to believe that you really do want to try and begin to life a life of integrity, but you are both lying and deceiving his own children. Thats just appalling.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I didn’t say having an affair was okay. I was speaking to the accusation that my affair broke up my family, which is not true. It’s also not the reason my boyfriend *divorced* his ex. Doesn’t matter to me if that’s not believed here as I understand it’s a hypersensitive topic for some members. What happens IRL matters. Time will tell.
> ...


Not “in the process of” as far as they are concerned. They wrote their own agreement and it’s currently waiting for a judge to sign, which by law cannot happen for three more months. I don’t think he would have me meet his daughter and share that I will be moving into the house if he had second thoughts about his divorce.

If you want to be picky about it, yes, he is legally married to her. He hasn’t lived with her for nearly 4 1/2 years, but whatever makes you feel better.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> Not “in the process of” as far as they are concerned. They wrote their own agreement and it’s currently waiting for a judge to sign, which by law cannot happen for three more months. I don’t think he would have me meet his daughter and share that I will be moving into the house if he had second thoughts about his divorce.
> 
> If you want to be picky about it, yes, he is legally married to her. He hasn’t lived with her for nearly 4 1/2 years, but whatever makes you feel better.



It's not a matter of being "picky" about it.

Legally he is still married to her. Why do you have such a hard time saying that?

That's what stands in between you getting married and staying single, after all, isn't it?

And where he has lived makes no difference - he didn't finalize the divorce in those years you were with him.

I state what's legal. Until any divorce is "final" - they are still married.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> People who destroy others families will always claim that the affair wasn't the reason. I bet that this man would still be with his wife if you hadn't come along and did what you did. Now if they had already been in the process of a divorce or divorced before you came along, then maybe I could believe you.
> When you both begin to be honest and open with the family about what you have done and how long you have known each other, then maybe I could begin to believe that you really do want to try and begin to life a life of integrity, but you are both lying and deceiving his own children. Thats just appalling.


I’m sorry, but you are wrong. No matter, thanks for weighing in.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Zanne why do you keep justifying your relationship to people who disagree with it? Regardless how it started, you and your fiance have decided to move forward together. Period. Nothing more to be said. You're on this rollercoaster ride now and there is no getting off. Let people believe whatever they want to believe, they are going to regardless what you say to the contrary. 

Having said that, I do think you need to become financially independent. That should be your primary focus. Create a budget as if you were living alone without support. Then put any $$$ that you don't plan on spending (i.e. Rent) into a savings account. Maybe invest it in something stable.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Not “in the process of” as far as they are concerned. They wrote their own agreement and it’s currently waiting for a judge to sign, which by law cannot happen for three more months. I don’t think he would have me meet his daughter and share that I will be moving into the house if he had second thoughts about his divorce.
> ...


You are welcome to your opinion, but in this instance it’s pointless to me. Thanks for your input though.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Zanne said:


> Beach123 said:
> 
> 
> > Zanne said:
> ...


Why is it pointless to you? Actually, it seems to be THE point. Your boyfriend is still legally married and that's the reason you can't get married right now. Right? Not opinion, but fact?

I'm late to the game but why did it take 4 years before he decided to actually get divorced?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Lila said:


> @Zanne why do you keep justifying your relationship to people who disagree with it? Regardless how it started, you and your fiance have decided to move forward together. Period. Nothing more to be said. You're on this rollercoaster ride now and there is no getting off. Let people believe whatever they want to believe, they are going to regardless what you say to the contrary.
> 
> Having said that, I do think you need to become financially independent. That should be your primary focus. Create a budget as if you were living alone without support. Then put any $$$ that you don't plan on spending (i.e. Rent) into a savings account. Maybe invest it in something stable.


You are right, it’s pointless to argue with people here.

I agree that I need to have my own means to live on my own if necessary. I will be able to start saving now that I have a job.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Beach123 said:
> ...


It’s legalities to me, that’s all. My own divorce was just finalized last fall.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Zanne said:


> It’s legalities to me, that’s all. My own divorce was just finalized last fall.


IDK. Why don't you just say or admit it Ï start these threads just so that I can keep you posted that you TAMers who said that this would never last or he would never divorce his wife, or that the 5 years spent in the shadows was so that I could say to you all 'well F U' cos he's done it and now he's marrying me! Yay!
@Zanne what is this _really_ about?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

@Zanne I am not sure why you even respond to posts on here. You don’t like what other posters have to say.

The facts stand and no matter how you try and defend yourself, they are not going to change. You cheated, you have been in hiding for years, you can’t admit you more than helped destroy a family.

As you say, oh well the past is the past. You think this guy won’t cheat again? My ex is a cheater and now on his forth marriage, all ended with him cheating. 

Plus, this guy trolled on this site for broken women. That is disgusting!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> So you think what you did is finbe, and you think it was fine to help your OM do it to his family?
> 
> You have no remorse or empathy.
> 
> Have you ever taken any type of assessments regarding narcissism or sociopathy? That might definitely affect any future relationship with people who process morality and emotions normally, including the OM's children.


A lot of truth here.

It one cannot 'feel' its truth, then an attempt to do so using cool logic would be helpful..

I would like to unravel why this mindset is true for some, not others Some folks cannot fathom that they are wrong.

Wrong is a social, a group concept and a personal concept.
Sometimes they are in agreement, sometimes not.

The concept of self is very strong in Zanne.

It is my belief she was loyal for a long long time, then wasn't.

She gave up. 
She gave in.

The first is OK, the second case fails the group concept of morality.

On TAM, if you do not repent your sins, you will forever remain on the outside.

John the Babtist was also relentless in his beliefs.
His group supports him 100%.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I might add, should have that John the Babtist was murdered [martyred] for his beliefs.

Being totally rigid, unbending can be also be wrong.

Yes, he was on the side of something 'good', but he was killed.

A lot of 'good' that did 'him'.

Uh, not wise words here.

Jesus was apt to forgive others their sins.

If, not so egregious, yeah, sure.

But, Jesus asked to sin no more, asked for repentance also, to accept God....

Or else.... 

Yes, that. :|

The Righteous are rather presumptuous.
That was me up to a few years ago.

But they, the Judges, have the numbers on their side. 
Always do, ever and forever do.
And 'some' have a large box of rocks hidden under their unbounced bed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Come at me...

I stand on a Bluff overlooking the Valley of Men.

I stand tall in my tunic, in my leather-ed, laced to the knee, shoes.

My sword is drawn, I will take no quarter.

Maybe fifty cents.
I bluff you not.



THRD-


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Zanne said:


> It’s legalities to me, that’s all. My own divorce was just finalized last fall.


Since it's just legalities, then there is no need to marry. You also don't need to renew your driver's license since that is nothing but more legal mumbo-jumbo. Forget about registering your vehicle - unnecessary legal manipulation. Don't bother paying taxes - just more legal hoops preventing you from enjoying your life as God intended.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> *People who destroy others families will always claim that the affair wasn't the reason. I bet that this man would still be with his wife if you hadn't come along and did what you did.* Now if they had already been in the process of a divorce or divorced before you came along, then maybe I could believe you.
> When you both begin to be honest and open with the family about what you have done and how long you have known each other, then maybe I could begin to believe that you really do want to try and begin to life a life of integrity, but you are both lying and deceiving his own children. Thats just appalling.


OP is in some serious denial on what she has done. The truth is to awful to face so she wraps up her affair with lies to not only those around her but to herself. 

The ex betrayed spouses have to be demonized and then she has to make her OM seem like he's somehow noble for lying to his BW and their kids. This is a woman who tore her family apart for this "man," so she's all in, there's no turning back.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Zanne said:


> I’m sorry, but you are wrong. No matter, thanks for weighing in.


So you think its ok to be deceptive? To lie to his children? To keep you a secret all this time? After all if it was ok, he wouldn't have kept you quiet all this time. 
Were they living together when you met? Were they divorcing when you met? If not then you did break up their marriage. If you hadn't come along they would almost certainly still be together.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So what is your plan B? This is important for your best interest.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't ever depend on a man financially again. That's probably a big part of the reason why you stayed married so long. You should have gotten out when he pulled a gun on you (or on the children -- can't remember the story) but you couldn't support yourself so you stayed. Just because your AP's family has money doesn't mean you should get complacent. Take charge of your life this time so you're prepared for whatever happens. I'm sure he's said he'll take care of you no matter what but you'll respect yourself more if you can finally take care of yourself.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Come at me...
> 
> I stand on a Bluff overlooking the Valley of Men.
> 
> ...







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> So what is your plan B? This is important for your best interest.


I understand what you’re saying. At the same time, how many people truly have a plan B when they are planning on getting married?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> I understand what you’re saying. At the same time, how many people truly have a plan B when they are planning on getting married?


Uh oh... you mean you have no backup plan?

Why would you leave everything in your life at the mercy of him?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Zanne said:


> Beach123 said:
> 
> 
> > So what is your plan B? This is important for your best interest.
> ...


I'd say the majority of women I know. From 20s thru the decades until now. Actually ALL of the women i know!! who were single, then met someone and then planned to get married.... were self sufficient and supported themselves.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I understand what you’re saying. At the same time, how many people truly have a plan B when they are planning on getting married?
> ...


My point is, how many women, or men for that matter, have a plan B in mind when they’re getting married? Most people plan to get married to stay married. Why would I marry him if I had reservations?

I’m not talking about financial security. I chose to be a SAHM and I don’t regret it, but it took me awhile to get back on my feet. My kids are grown now and I have plenty of years to work. I’ve said over and over that I am working and saving with retirement in mind.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Beach123 said:
> ...


I was self sufficient before I got married to my ex, too! However, there are many women who choose to put a career on hold to raise their kids. I have zero regrets about being a SAHM.

Anyway, I was talking about emotions.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> I was self sufficient before I got married to my ex, too! However, there are many women who choose to put a career on hold to raise their kids. I have zero regrets about being a SAHM.
> 
> Anyway, I was talking about emotions.


I think the recent posts may be referring to having a solid plan for yourself - for possible scenarios that may happen... so that you can take care of yourself - especially if the wedding gets delayed for any reason.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I was self sufficient before I got married to my ex, too! However, there are many women who choose to put a career on hold to raise their kids. I have zero regrets about being a SAHM.
> ...


I’m as prepared as anyone else for such a scenario, I guess.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

The meeting with my boyfriend’s daughter went better than I could have hoped. She’s a wonderfully kind and intelligent young lady! Even gave me a hug when we were first introduced! I am hopeful. Still have another daughter to meet.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> So what is your plan B? This is important for your best interest.


Plan A is Plan B, C, D & E


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Zanne said:


> I understand what you’re saying. At the same time, how many people truly have a plan B when they are planning on getting married?


People who have gone through a divorce.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Zanne said:


> I was self sufficient before I got married to my ex, too! However, there are many women who choose to put a career on hold to raise their kids. I have zero regrets about being a SAHM.
> 
> Anyway, I was talking about emotions.


Didn't you live at home until you married?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I understand what you’re saying. At the same time, how many people truly have a plan B when they are planning on getting married?
> ...


Respectfully, I would not be planning a wedding if I thought I needed a Plan B.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > I was self sufficient before I got married to my ex, too! However, there are many women who choose to put a career on hold to raise their kids. I have zero regrets about being a SAHM.
> ...


I lived at home with my parents until I was 19 and then moved in with my boyfriend (high school sweethearts) until we were married three years later. I moved back home a few times during those three years since I was also a college student.

I was working until a few days before our oldest son was born. I actually didn’t become a SAHM until I was pregnant with our third child and my second son was going through his cancer treatment.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Zanne said:


> Respectfully, I would not be planning a wedding if I thought I needed a Plan B.


Oh, honey, everyone needs a Plan B. I don't know a single woman or man that did not have a Plan B when they got married. 

Plan A: Stay married for life.
Plan B: Way to support self comfortably if the marriage doesn't work.

The divorce rate for first marriages is sad. The divorce rate for 2nd marriages is worse. I honestly don't know how any adult that's read divorce stats couldn't recognize the very real possibility that they might need a Plan B.

I knew when I met DH he was "it" "the one". Literally, insanely, love at first sight. I got my divorce, married DH, and meant to spend the rest of my life with him, come what may. But, just in case, even if it was only a 1% chance, I still had a Plan B.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Zanne
I kind of tuned out all of the comments coming at you, as nothing really answered your original question. As it turns out, I have seen your scenario a number of times. I have a relative who moved in with a man whose wife was in a coma. Unfortunately, we all have our stories. More in reference to your original question, I have found the most success in blending a family comes by leading with your heart. In your situation, you are going to be looking over your shoulder a bit, until you feel assured whether his kids are accepting you and seeing you in the house. (BTW-I urge you to redecorate immediately, removing all of his Ex's touches, and making it your own is kind of crucial-excellent psychologically, as they see you in differing surroundings than the idealized mother) It is a good idea to let them lead for awhile. Sooner or later, it will click. If they see their father happy, in love, and settled, then the acceptance follows rather quickly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Zanne said:


> I lived at home with my parents until I was 19 and then moved in with my boyfriend (high school sweethearts) until we were married three years later. I moved back home a few times during those three years since I was also a college student.
> 
> I was working until a few days before our oldest son was born. I actually didn’t become a SAHM until I was pregnant with our third child and my second son was going through his cancer treatment.


The thing is, you've never really been self-sufficient though. You had your father and then your boyfriend/husband to help you. It's a powerful feeling to know you don't ever have to financially depend on anyone. I highly recommend it.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Taxman said:


> Zanne
> I kind of tuned out all of the comments coming at you, as nothing really answered your original question. As it turns out, I have seen your scenario a number of times. I have a relative who moved in with a man whose wife was in a coma. Unfortunately, we all have our stories. More in reference to your original question, I have found the most success in blending a family comes by leading with your heart. In your situation, you are going to be looking over your shoulder a bit, until you feel assured whether his kids are accepting you and seeing you in the house. (BTW-I urge you to redecorate immediately, removing all of his Ex's touches, and making it your own is kind of crucial-excellent psychologically, as they see you in differing surroundings than the idealized mother) It is a good idea to let them lead for awhile. Sooner or later, it will click. If they see their father happy, in love, and settled, then the acceptance follows rather quickly.


Thank you very much for your thoughtful response.

I am encouraged by the recent meeting with my boyfriend’s daughter. I wanted it to happen before I moved in and we were able to arrange it. I’m happy to let them lead the way in our relationships.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Zanne said:


> The meeting with my boyfriend’s daughter went better than I could have hoped. She’s a wonderfully kind and intelligent young lady! Even gave me a hug when we were first introduced! I am hopeful. Still have another daughter to meet.


Does she know that you and her father were both still married and living with your respective spouses when your relationship started?

Somehow I doubt it.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Respectfully, I would not be planning a wedding if I thought I needed a Plan B.
> ...


I think for women in my generation and generations before, plan B is alimony. (Which I think is ridiculous.)

I understand the need for a plan B. Anything can happen in life and I’ve definitely experienced my share of ups and downs to know how life can change in an instant.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > The meeting with my boyfriend’s daughter went better than I could have hoped. She’s a wonderfully kind and intelligent young lady! Even gave me a hug when we were first introduced! I am hopeful. Still have another daughter to meet.
> ...


Yes, that would have been a great topic to cover at dinner in a crowded restaurant! Seriously, we could barely hear each other talking at some points and we were sitting at the same table.

She knows we met on this forum (doesn’t know specifically which forum) while we were still married. That’s why she asked if I was the reason for him leaving her mom. It’s up to her whether to believe him, not us. She knew that much and still wanted to meet me.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> Does she know that you and her father were both still married and living with your respective spouses when your relationship started?
> 
> Somehow I doubt it.


Know what? Past a certain point it does no longer matter. After the shouting, and the courtroom time and the law offices, it does stop. There is a new normality, subsequent, but it does stop.

One knows that there has been infidelity, and rearrangement of living circumstances, and high emotionality, but at the end of the day, Zanne is married, living with her new husband, both of their former mates are onto new lives, and people whether they forgive or forget or not, make the situation better, worse or indifferent. Bottom line, there is a new normal. What is everyone to do, stop and cry over history, or move on. There really are no choices in this, everyone has moved on. What is said in a forum is fairly meaningless. It is what it is, and IT IS SETTLED. I do not know this person, but she is asking intelligent and heartfelt questions, and deserves nothing less than answers from others' standpoint.

What? Should Zanne and her new husband spend time in purgatory to satisfy other people's moral outrage? Don't think so.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Taxman said:


> Know what? Past a certain point it does no longer matter. After the shouting, and the courtroom time and the law offices, it does stop. There is a new normality, subsequent, but it does stop.
> 
> One knows that there has been infidelity, and rearrangement of living circumstances, and high emotionality, but at the end of the day, Zanne is married, living with her new husband, both of their former mates are onto new lives, and people whether they forgive or forget or not, make the situation better, worse or indifferent. Bottom line, there is a new normal. What is everyone to do, stop and cry over history, or move on. There really are no choices in this, everyone has moved on. What is said in a forum is fairly meaningless. It is what it is, and IT IS SETTLED. I do not know this person, but she is asking intelligent and heartfelt questions, and deserves nothing less than answers from others' standpoint.
> 
> What? Should Zanne and her new husband spend time in purgatory to satisfy other people's moral outrage? Don't think so.


I disagree, people cannot move on or forgive without knowing the *truth*. Asking someone to forgive or accept a new normal based on lies is disrespectful and, later when the truth is known it causes further pain for all involved.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Hi Zanne. I read where you live in one of the most expensive communities in the United States. Can you downgrade? Just curious.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> I disagree, people cannot move on or forgive without knowing the *truth*. Asking someone to forgive or accept a new normal based on lies is disrespectful and, later when the truth is known it causes further pain for all involved.


I get the impression that both of the daughters know that Dad was involved with Zanne before their mother left the scene. These are grown-up women, were out of the house long before the marriage ended, and one would expect an adult response. Dad is cohabitating, will be married. What do people want? Do they want his daughters to stop talking to him? Spit on his new marriage? Sew a scarlet A on their clothing? I am not condemning Zanne, this is her situation, and gut reactions are hardly useful or constructive. She is giving this the old college try, and I cannot bring myself to dump on her. She is doing this thoughtfully and carefully. I give her some credit.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Hi Zanne. I read where you live in one of the most expensive communities in the United States. Can you downgrade? Just curious.


Our jobs are in this community and we have a “free” place to live, meaning no monthly payment. It makes sense to stay.

We did discuss having me rent a room somewhere and I would mostly likely need to leave my dog behind with him, but it would only be needed for a short time, so we set that option aside.

We also cooled it in the romance department for several weeks as advised by my pastor. Now that his divorce is signed and they are moving forward with all of the plans set therein, we are making plans for our future.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Taxman said:


> Red Sonja said:
> 
> 
> > Does she know that you and her father were both still married and living with your respective spouses when your relationship started?
> ...


Thank you. Lots of truth in what you have written. I also personally know families who have been through what you described. The advice on this forum is often skewed and I do take that into consideration.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Zanne said:


> goldstandard said:
> 
> 
> > Hi Zanne. I read where you live in one of the most expensive communities in the United States. Can you downgrade? Just curious.
> ...


What exactly would be the point of you renting a room somewhere for a short time? Same with the romance cooling - why? What is the end gain? You have lived together a long time already so these things don’t make sense to me. It just sounds like you are trying to control the optics. I am genuinely curious what the thought process is.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > goldstandard said:
> ...


Mostly for clarity on the situation and to respect his divorce process. My pastor recommended it as well. There was no reason not to do it.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Zanne said:


> Mostly for clarity on the situation and *to respect his divorce process. My pastor recommended it as well.* There was no reason not to do it.


OMG (oh my goodness) I guess this has always been what MY bugbear with this situation was.

The grounds for divorce were based on infidelity. The tears of the betrayed wife were wept upon the altar. Divorce was never originally part of the plan, Divorce came into being because of the hard heartedness of the WS.
@Zanne there never was any respect for HER the BS in this process.

Your pastor recommending whatever it was he recommended is another form of blame shifting.

If you were really who you try to portray yourself as then you'd have been up front with his daughters and let the chips fall where they may.

But hey, that's just my take on it not yours.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> Mostly for clarity on the situation and to respect his divorce process. My pastor recommended it as well. There was no reason not to do it.


Seems a little late for that you would think.

Did you tell that pastor you started the relationship during his marriage?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

CmonDionne said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Mostly for clarity on the situation and *to respect his divorce process. My pastor recommended it as well.* There was no reason not to do it.
> ...


Yes, it’s your take on the situation and you happen to be way off base, but you’re welcome to believe what you like.

In truth, you don’t know anything about their marriage and I know a degree more because of the emails and notes I’ve read from his ex and everything he has told me.

I have always been open and truthful on this forum. I’m not trying to portray myself as anybody different than who I am. You don’t have to like me. Haters are going to hate.

I asked politely in my original post to stay on topic. The only reason why I bother to respond to some of you is because I detest internet bullies.

I hope I’m wrong about you and you have some joy and peace in your life.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Mostly for clarity on the situation and to respect his divorce process. My pastor recommended it as well. There was no reason not to do it.
> ...


For the record, yes, I told my pastor everything. I’m not ashamed to admit my brokenness as a human being.

I don’t care if you think it was too late. It was something I did for myself as advised by my pastor and I don’t regret it. It was actually very helpful.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Zanne said:


> Beach123 said:
> 
> 
> > Zanne said:
> ...


Actually no. You just illustrated the way a narcissist "admits she was wrong." They do it in a way that will make somehow look righteous or sumpathetic.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Beach123 said:
> ...


Says you, an “expert” apparently, with the ability to diagnose someone as having a personality disorder based on their posts on an online forum.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> For the record, yes, I told my pastor everything. I’m not ashamed to admit my brokenness as a human being.
> 
> I don’t care if you think it was too late. It was something I did for myself as advised by my pastor and I don’t regret it. It was actually very helpful.


So why not get totally honest that way with his kids then?

If you're not ashamed... why is total honesty only directed at a pastor?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > For the record, yes, I told my pastor everything. I’m not ashamed to admit my brokenness as a human being.
> ...


Why do you care?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Zanne said:


> Why do you care?


Did I say I care?

Was just a suggestion based on how happy you were to be be honest with the pastor.

The question is - do you care about getting honest all the way around?


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > Why do you care?
> ...


You must know it’s a different situation to talk with a counselor or a spiritual advisor versus unloading all of my deepest dark secrets onto a young person I barely know.

You guys make me laugh sometimes. Can we PLEASE stay on topic. Thank you.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Thank you to everyone who addressed my original post. I think I have some direction now.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Zanne said:


> The only reason why I bother to respond to some of you is because I detest internet bullies,


 No one is bullying you, some posters are just refusing to ignore the proverbial elephant in the room as you wish we would. And, that elephant is completely on-topic to your original question, you are just pretending it isn't.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Zanne said:


> You must know it’s a different situation to talk with a counselor or a spiritual advisor versus unloading all of my deepest dark secrets onto a young person I barely know.
> 
> You guys make me laugh sometimes. Can we PLEASE stay on topic. Thank you.


You have gone to a pastor, so are you serious about being a Christian? Do you want to follow Jesus Christ and His teaching? If so please listen.
If that pastor was actually fowling Jesus Christ and the Bible, I honestly think he would have a) told you both to be honest and open with the family, deception and lies have no place in His kingdom, b) stop living together or having sex till you get married, c) acknowledge what you have done and the damage you have caused and repent of that, and d) maybe even stop seeing him, at least for now until you pray about whether God wants you to even be with Him. The Bible says that God hates it when people leave their spouses for another person. Breaking up a marriage is very serious stuff, as is adultery(which you have been committing for a long time). 
God may well want you to spend some time with you and Him to grow learn and mature in how you need to live in the future. Anything can be forgiven, if you are wiling to admit your actions and let God lead you from now on. 

If you are not a Christian, then you are free to live as you choose no matter how many peoples lives you ruin or how dishonest you are being with them. I honestly don't know what you see in this man who can so easily lie and deceive his own wife and children. If he can do it to them he can do it to you just as easily. How can you trust such a man?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Zanne said:
> 
> 
> > You must know it’s a different situation to talk with a counselor or a spiritual advisor versus unloading all of my deepest dark secrets onto a young person I barely know.
> ...


Yrs to all of this


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

What I can assure you is the kids are going to need time to process all of this and they will take sides regardless. My first husband was having an affair and left me and our 2 daughters. My oldest daughter actually sided with her dad, the man that continued to cheat on his second wife and did not pay child support to me. Kids will justify anything to support the parent they have had a close bond with. My advise is to give the children time, let them come to you rather than you reaching out to them, do not offer information, do not reach out to the ex. These children are not your children, you are not their mother and will not ever be a mother figure to them. You may have the best of intentions and have a very big heart but these kids are going to see you as the problem unless they have an very good relationship with dad which it does not sound like they do or they would have known about you long ago. Stepmoms are blamed and become the target of the kids' hurt and anger when parents divorce.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> No one is bullying you, some posters are just refusing to ignore the proverbial elephant in the room as you wish we would. And, that elephant is completely on-topic to your original question, you are just pretending it isn't.


I realize it's a touchy subject and I'm trying to be civil and as sensitive as I can be about it. THIS thread is about the topic of remarriage, blended families and living together in the family home. I specifically mentioned my thread in the Private section to direct comments and questions which do not pertain to this topic there.

I believe there is a general rudeness on this forum and quite frankly, the internet in general. Perhaps people are so used to the general lack of decorum, that they don't even notice it or maybe they don't care anymore! There are people who are genuinely seeking advice and they are so turned off by rude responses that they never return.

Here's one example of a rude reply on this very thread (now deleted):

_*"I love how the OP keeps trying to put lipstick on this pig of a man - claiming his lies to his wife, kids and father are really just a matter of him 'buying some time' or trying to justify this sleaze-bag's bottom of the barrel deceit by claiming he's trying to do 'right' by his ex."*_​
It's just crude commentary which wasn't even answering my question that I put forth in my original post. How is that helpful? That's one example. I have asked politely and repeatedly to stay on topic and it has been ignored.



Beach123 said:


> Did I say I care?
> 
> Was just a suggestion based on how happy you were to be be honest with the pastor.
> 
> The question is - do you care about getting honest all the way around?


Beach, I feel like my reply to you was short. I felt very much at peace after speaking with my pastor. It makes sense to continue being open and honest about the situation, but I also wonder if I might be more sensitive when it comes to his family members. Unloading my guilt onto them doesn't seem like it will help the situation. If I'm asked, I will be honest and I will be open to dialogue about the whole mess. If the timing and circumstances seem appropriate, I will be bring it up myself. Does that make sense?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The ''rude'' comments though are actually designed to help you see the guy for what he actually is, not the fantasy you've created about him. It's not rude to warn you. He will most likely cheat on you, just like he did to his wife. So many women feel that it must have been the wife he was married to, so that's why he cheated. No, cheating is a character issue, and he most likely will cheat on you, as well. So you can blend families, and pretend you have a happy life, but nothing good will come from establishing a relationship the way you both did. What do you tell people, as to how you met? Hey, well, we were both married, and cheated on our spouses, and fell in love. You now probably find yourself lying for him, because of him, despite him. That's not a healthy beginning. No matter how you both justify it.

The rude comments you are receiving are because people want to help you. Telling you that everything's going to work out just fine, is actually ruder. My advice would be to run for the hills before you end up just like his ex wife.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You have gone to a pastor, so are you serious about being a Christian? Do you want to follow Jesus Christ and His teaching? If so please listen.
> If that pastor was actually fowling Jesus Christ and the Bible, I honestly think he would have a) told you both to be honest and open with the family, deception and lies have no place in His kingdom, b) stop living together or having sex till you get married, c) acknowledge what you have done and the damage you have caused and repent of that, and d) maybe even stop seeing him, at least for now until you pray about whether God wants you to even be with Him. The Bible says that God hates it when people leave their spouses for another person. Breaking up a marriage is very serious stuff, as is adultery(which you have been committing for a long time).


I appreciate this response very much! My pastor did advise most of what you wrote. The exception was that he was only speaking to me, privately. He told me to let my boyfriend deal with confessing to his STBXW. He also said to tell him that he would be happy to counsel him and if there was any hint of a chance of reconciliation with his wife he should pursue it; all of which I relayed to my boyfriend. It was also at that time that I told my boyfriend we would need to stop being intimate and to sleep separately. That's when the discussion of me renting a room happened. His divorce was well underway, but meetings and negotiations were still happening, so I also felt like I needed to give him space to process all of that.



Diana7 said:


> God may well want you to spend some time with you and Him to grow learn and mature in how you need to live in the future. Anything can be forgiven, if you are wiling to admit your actions and let God lead you from now on.


I totally agree with this. I believe there has been a tug of war in my heart about my situation for a long time and where I need to be. Taking that break, though shorter than some people would have liked, helped me in many ways.



Diana7 said:


> If you are not a Christian, then you are free to live as you choose no matter how many peoples lives you ruin or how dishonest you are being with them. I honestly don't know what you see in this man who can so easily lie and deceive his own wife and children. If he can do it to them he can do it to you just as easily. How can you trust such a man?


He loves his family as much I love my own family. My ex will have a special place in my heart because he is the father of my children, but I can honestly say that I made a mess of my life by marrying him. We were young and made mistakes and sometimes people can grow through those tough circumstances and sometimes there is too much water under the bridge. My boyfriend has a similar story and I accept him, flaws and all, because I understand where he has been and I also know that he has a genuine desire to reconcile relationships as much as I do. He thinks he is sparing his ex by not telling her about his actions. He doesn't hate her; he just doesn't want to be married to her - again, because of incompatibility and too much water under the bridge. I get that we are not seen as good role models as Christ followers. At a certain point, we need to stop beating ourselves up about our past and accept the grace that is being offered to us and move forward.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So, when you and he go through moments of incompatibility, and he cheats, you'll be okay with it? Your bf is a very gifted manipulator. I really hope you don't get hurt in this.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> The ''rude'' comments though are actually designed to help you see the guy for what he actually is, not the fantasy you've created about him. It's not rude to warn you. He will most likely cheat on you, just like he did to his wife. So many women feel that it must have been the wife he was married to, so that's why he cheated. No, cheating is a character issue, and he most likely will cheat on you, as well. So you can blend families, and pretend you have a happy life, but nothing good will come from establishing a relationship the way you both did. What do you tell people, as to how you met? Hey, well, we were both married, and cheated on our spouses, and fell in love. You now probably find yourself lying for him, because of him, despite him. That's not a healthy beginning. No matter how you both justify it.
> 
> The rude comments you are receiving are because people want to help you. Telling you that everything's going to work out just fine, is actually ruder. My advice would be to run for the hills before you end up just like his ex wife.


Well, I wouldn't consider your reply a rude comment and you have made a good argument for me to consider! I still think there is no reason for harsh and rude comments and name calling if someone is *truly* trying to be helpful. To be honest, I just assume the person is trying to bully me because of their own pain in life and any advice in their message is lost on me.

Also, I'm wondering why nobody thinks I would cheat on him? I can tell you why I wouldn't, but I'm not sure anyone would believe me anyway. To be sure, I am asking him the right questions and we have had many heavy conversations about this topic. We will be doing premarital counseling as well.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> What I can assure you is the kids are going to need time to process all of this and they will take sides regardless. My first husband was having an affair and left me and our 2 daughters. My oldest daughter actually sided with her dad, the man that continued to cheat on his second wife and did not pay child support to me. Kids will justify anything to support the parent they have had a close bond with. My advise is to give the children time, let them come to you rather than you reaching out to them, do not offer information, do not reach out to the ex. These children are not your children, you are not their mother and will not ever be a mother figure to them. You may have the best of intentions and have a very big heart but these kids are going to see you as the problem unless they have an very good relationship with dad which it does not sound like they do or they would have known about you long ago. Stepmoms are blamed and become the target of the kids' hurt and anger when parents divorce.


Thank you, very helpful advice here. My kids have a beloved Grandma who is their dad's step-mom. The early years in their grandfather's marriage to her were a little rough because their dad was 16 years old at the time and acted out quite a bit, even though his parents divorced when he was four years old. I was actually dating him at the time and attended their wedding! Today he loves her unconditionally and she is very much the center of our lives. She is simply "Grandma" although my kiddos have my parents as grandparents too. She's just a wonderful person with a big heart. So I see her example and know that good things can happen, but it may just take time and A LOT of patience and understanding.


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## Zanne (Dec 7, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> So, when you and he go through moments of incompatibility, and he cheats, you'll be okay with it? Your bf is a very gifted manipulator. I really hope you don't get hurt in this.


Again, why wouldn't I cheat when we have our moments of incompatibility? Keep in mind, after five years of knowing each other intimately and living with each other for more than three years, we have definitely had our moments! We have actually talked about this topic. There are no guarantees in life, but I wouldn't be with him still if I had reservations.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Zanne said:


> *Deidre* said:
> 
> 
> > So, when you and he go through moments of incompatibility, and he cheats, you'll be okay with it? Your bf is a very gifted manipulator. I really hope you don't get hurt in this.
> ...


I think you might cheat and are just as likely to as him. Everyone is focused on your BF because of his continued lying to his family, his lack of respect to them and to you - keeping you in the shadows all of this time, valuing this inheritance over being proud to be with the woman he supposedly risked it all to love - and his seemingly absolute need to avoid any and all consequences for his choices. But your detachment from reality should be just as concerning to him. 

As a fellow OW homewrecker with a blended family that lives in our original family home I have so wanted to share some positive with you since there has been so much negative projection here. As much as the BS would wish it, no, the kids don’t always hate the stepmother. No, they don’t always take sides against the WS. I think the use of absolutes has shut you down from actually hearing the good advice behind what is being said. 

I agree with Taxman that there comes a point when everything won’t be about how you came together, but that you are together. The past will be the past and after the shouting and tears there will be a ‘new normal” as he said. The problem is that you actually need to live through the shouting and the tears part - oh, and the shame - to get there - and you are both choosing to bypass that stage. That is a mistake. 

Just a month ago you asked with all sincerity if you should reach out to his wife since you understood what it was like to dismantle 30 years. You quickly backed down from that idea when you read the negative feedback but it was something you contemplated enough to write down. You truly saw yourself being able to offer a positive to this woman. And that is scary delusional. BTDT. Reading that was a gutpunch to me because it made me recall a similar thought I had. Early on I considered calling the BW because I too was going through a divorce with young kids and knew what it was like. Read that again. Does it make you cringe at all? It should. 

You mocked POI for questioning a narcissism diagnosis from posts on an online forum, but your OP is really all that is needed to question you being on the NPD spectrum. You would be doing yourself and your family a service by at least investigating the idea with a professional. 

You didn’t cheat because your XH destroyed your family. Your BF didn’t cheat because they married young and grew apart. And as long as you continue to justify your actions by the actions of your X’s you can kiss that bull**** “authentic life” you drone on about goodbye.


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