# Fourth of July Fireworks...



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Today am telling DH about my plan to move out. Today I am going to just CALMLY tell DH:

I am moving out the first week of August and why. (Long so please bear with me..)

DH and I have our issues which need our undivided and devoted attention to continue our 27 years together. However, over the last year or so, I had an evolving "ah" moment. It is that our DS 23 is the cause of perhaps 75% of my/our stress. This stress causes what I see as negative "static" in the background of our marriage. DH and I do well, have time to discuss things, etc, as long as we haven't *major* stressors around. DS 23 is a major stressor. I've quit three jobs due to the stress this DS helps create.

People in my life have told me "Just kick son out!". 
I cannot "kick him out", as DH WON'T support that idea.
I am a "teach a kid independence" and rather "tough love" parent :smthumbup: DH is a "run and hide, avoid problems, give in kids to shut them up" parent. 

Why I have wanted to kick DS 23 out: 

DS dropping out (in a horribly embarrassing and irresponsible manner) of a 100K scholarship (I tried to kick him out after he messed _that_ up, DH would not let me); 
DS joining the Marines and then finding out how hard it was and getting himself sent home (in a horribly irresponsible manner); 
DS marrying some Colombian girl he met on the internet (NEED I say horribly irresponsible manner??); 
DS not doing right by this young girl (ditto); 
DS costing us literally THOUSANDS over the last five years since he graduated from HS _because_ 

*DH won't stand by me*. 

Don't get me WRONG. 
DS is a basically "nice" guy but is ALL over the map: 
SMART as hell (3.9GPA in HS, 29 on his ACT):smthumbup:; 
no drugs, no alcohol - only typical beers now and again:smthumbup:; 
can be helpful when he WANTS to. 

He just graduated from an online University :smthumbup:, an accredited one at that, BUT getting him THROUGH that took MY pushing every single credit of the way! IF he'd not had five AP courses worth of credit I don't know that he'd still be _meandering_ along! I was HOPING degree=he moves OUT, so I pushed and pushed!

You see, DS thinks that he is "entitled". KWIM? 

And I KNOW this comes from me and DH not being on the same PAGE when it comes to childrearing children. I am a "tough" parenting advocate: I raised my dd(31) as a single divorced mom; we have two others that are doing very well (but those three kids are self motivators and don't behave as this DS 23) this son is DH's FIRST child and has been a _challenge_ and DH just: either runs away from this son OR gives IN right and left, rather than rise to the parenting challenge and drawn the line in the sand!

My dh and I have very different opinions regarding our eldest son's responsibilities. DS (23) (after so many issues...) lives with us in our "down sized" retirement home - we sold our larger home when DS left home the first time (he has "left home" _three_ times! There was not really room in this tiny house for five people, but he is here, against my wishes, but DH gives in to this son. 

We also still have our 15.5DS at home, and DD21 in her senior year of college. Our financial outlay is high: although our kids kept high GPAs, tested well on SAT/ACTs we do not qualify for ANY financial aide...so we pay it all and college over the last four years has run about $150,000 for these two older "kids". SO, that has caused a "shade" of stress around the house, too, KWIM? 

Since DH refuses to do the "tough love" and make DS find a job, move out and get a roommate, pay his own bills, I have chosen to get a job and move out. Two can play this "game".

DH can live with DS, _I don't care any more_ and I cannot change the way DH feels and acts. 

I don't mind having my _own_ apartment, cleaning up only after myself, not having to _listen to my older DS's EXCUSES day after long freaking day_! See, DH works out of town more than half the month, so _DH doesn't have to watch and listen to DS snivel about his stupid exuses_.

All I ask of DS is to NOW work 40 hours a week, make $300 a week to pay his phone, insurance, spending money! I realize DS still has some commitment to finishing up his flying (costing us $180.00 and hour....) BUT the flying training only takes 4-6 hours a WEEK! DS could work NIGHTS at McD's, but DS says "I earned a degree, I deserve better job..." WTF????

This DS stress has been going on for FOUR LONG years...and NOW, with the economy DS and DH agree DS will have to live at home WITH _US_ for 1-2 MORE years!!! AND DS will work part time teaching flying....and DS refuses to get second job so he can be self-supporting! AND DS is planning on bringing his DW (never did divorce HER) - (who I sent BACK to Colombia!) BACK HERE!!!  My DH just says: "Well, what else CAN we do???" WTF!!!

WHAT ELSE CAN WE _DO_, DH???? OMG. HOW about if he brings her back we change the freaking LOCKS?????

Well, I_ can change how I am going to act_. 

With my feet.

I found a job.
I got the job. 
I can EXIT this quagmire of DH _not having BALLS_.

I am telling DH I am leaving and taking DS nearly 16 if he also wants to come.

I'll leave my forwarding address in case DH figures out where and when he is going to let this child stand on his own two feet.

I just simply cannot stand on the sideline watching this circus any longer. I am tired of listening to this son's excuses, I am tired of watching him play video games, I am tired of his "wife" drama, I am tired of paying his way, I am tired of watching him sleep all day and play all night, I am SIMPLY done.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sounds like a plan to me! I don't blame you one bit. Stay strong!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Amen to the DS needs to grow up situation. I'm glad even though you love DS you can do tough love for DS and DH...DS will never learn to be independent unless he's made to be and DH needs to understand that...23 is a bit old to be being fully supported by parents especially if he has a degree...unless of course he's persuing med school or something of the nature. Anyway KUDOS to you.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Thanks for the support. It is now 7:30pm and I have yet to bring up my moving out. Getting kind of nervous as I don't want dh mad. He will have all sorts of verbal "reason" why it won't be good.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hopefully he doesn't get mad  as this is what needs to be done because it doesn't sound like your unhappy w/DH aside from things involving DS...so hopefully he can see that and will focus on helping his son learn to be a man esp since his DS is a MARRIED man.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Rhea said:


> Hopefully he doesn't get mad  as this is what needs to be done because it doesn't sound like your unhappy w/DH aside from things involving DS...so hopefully he can see that and will focus on helping his son learn to be a man esp since his DS is a MARRIED man.


Yes he is "married". 

When HE was irresponsible and her visa paperwork ran out of time, in Sep of last year, she HAD to return to Colombia :smthumbup:- that and they were not even living in the same home! SHE was living with US and DS had gone off to live with a buddy because as DS says: "I don't like living with her...". _EXCUSE_ me??? I would have packed up her sh*t and left her on the doorstep of his friend's apt EXCEPT she is a REALLY nice, beautiful young woman (21 this month). My DS does this to this poor girl! I was so DISGUSTED and ANGRY at DS! I was embarrassed for her. SO, when her visa was going to expire, I got her a ticket back to Colombia with the DOG (that was $250.00) DS gave her Christmas of 07 because she loves the dog. I am paying for her to go to nursing (BSN) school in Colombia because she came from dirt poor parents, and school in Colombia is ONLY $1,600. a semester (amazing!), and it is done in Spanish. She wanted to stay here and go to nursing school but it is just too expensive (we still had DS and still do have DS in college); so to "soften" the harsh blow of having to head back to Colombia and poverty, I told her I'd foot the bill for two semesters of Nursing school in Colombia, so at least the girl gets SOMETHING from her "husbands" stupid behaviors and treatment of her.

This has just been so difficult to DEAL with! I have about gone crazy because it is SOOO bizarre a situation due to DS stupid and irresponsible decisions!


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Sorry,but what is:

DH?
DS?
DD?

I know it's husband, son, daughter but what's the "D".

Good luck on your talk!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

dear


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Great plan. You are cutting through all the b.s. and taking control where you can. This should make a big impression on your dh. I hope you don't enjoy your freedom too much; it sounds VERY attractive!


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I TOLD HIM! 

He was headed out to the front stoop to smoke a cigarette. I said: "Why don't you come sit on the back deck, I was going to go sit out there a bit....". He headed out to the back deck. 

This is what I said after we got settled in the deck chairs:

"As I said, I start my new job Aug 10th. I had another motive for getting this job, 80 miles away..."

He laughs..."Yes, you want us to _move_ to XYZ..."

I said: "No, I don't want US to move to XYZ, I am planning on moving, getting an apartment for myself. I need to get away from DS23, I can't even hope to sort out issues you and me with the stress of DS23 continually upsetting me, creating stress with you. You must know what I mean.....I just think in order for me to focus on my work...I need to separate from everything here as long as DS23 is here...".

DH: "Well, he will be gone by January..."

I said: "No, you and I both know he is not going to be gone by January, that is not realistic. But I am going to rent an apartment on a 3 or 6 month lease, so we can play it by ear, and re-evaluate where DS23 is in his ability to get on his own two feet, you can work with him on that. I just can't stand by anymore and take anymore of this, the disappointments in him, the ups and downs with "Q" (his Colombian wife). It all upsets me so much, you know I've given up three jobs, quit them because of all the upset around here. I just can't let this happen again, this is my last opportunity and it is the best one...I need to do this..."

DH: "I know what you mean, if that is what it takes, then I think we can work out some sort of way to manage:smthumbup:....what about DS15.5 (16 in Jan)...what about him when I am gone out of town on trips...?". 

I said: "Well, I've talked to him, he wants to start is Sophmore year here, and I've told him as long as he does well, keeps his grades up, and he and DS23 act responsibly (DS 15.5 is often more responsible than DS23 and jokingly told me he would be taking care of DS23!) he can stay in his present school. But I did check out the school near where I will find an apartment and near my new work, and it is a good one, and he will be moved up there if he doesn't keep a 3.0 or higher his first semester. I will be checking his grades on line, and in touch with him every day, and when you are not in town, I will come home and check on things, but if you are home DH, I won't come home unless I have three or four days off in a row....".

DH: "Well, I don't want this of course, but I understand, and I want you to be successful at your new job, I know how hard you have worked with DS23 and all that has happened due to his issues...so if you need to do this, I can deal with it, but you are going to have to make up a notebook on how to run this place for them and for ME, because I haven't a clue how you do it all.".

I told him I'd work up all the information before I left the first week of August...he was pleased with that.

Then I said: "I want you to call DS23 out here and ask HIM when he plans on leaving home, what is on HIS mind...?"

So DH goes and gets DS23. I say to DS23: 

"Your Dad wants to know when you think you may be able to get on your feet...your "wife" what you are going to do about her, etc etc.".

DS23 goes through all his ideas and plans and tells DH, I think I may be able to do it in 12-18 months, I HOPE, I really don't like staying here, but I am not going to make enough money as an instructor pilot to get on my own, get a car, pay on my student loan (he has last semester of student loans as I refused to pay any more semesters of on line college, as he got less than a C average on the last semester I did pay for, I had just got pissed and said "NO" not for crappy grades). Until I get hired by American or United, or anyone I have to have 2,000 hours flying time, and i think that will take me 18 months, IF I am lucky...".

SO - DS goes back inside. DH and I sit there a few minutes quietly. He looks at me and says: "I understand, I understand that you have been through a lot with him and his screwing around. But I want you to get at least one good year of work, because that is what you need, and I want you to be happy".

SO! Apartment, new job, I feel SUCH _relief_. And now DH knows and supports this move.

DS23 came to me afterwards and asked me: "Am I the reason you are going? Is it me? If it is me, I will go live under a bridge somewhere...".

I told DS23: "The number ONE reason I am going is the work, I need to get back on track career wise, or I will never work again and I want to work, I like work. Yes, part of the reason is you, you know you have problems that just need to get done with, you need to understand you effect us, some is good, but it has really been a rough four years. I need a break, I need space between you and me, between me and Dad. I think this will work best for right now....". 

I could see on DS23 face, that he felt really BAD, that it seems to have struck him that he isn't the ONLY one getting stressed out over his fledgling pilot career. It is a TOUGH career, tougher than DS ever thought I believe. His Dad became a pilot via the military, DS is doing it the civilian and expensive path...and it is VERY difficult. 

So, like Sister said, I may like it a lot. 

I think DH is going to wonder if I will like it a lot too, and I think it will also give DH rather a "notice" that I just can't TAKE parenting without his support. I won't take it anymore. It is in his lap, now. He is going to have to deal with the results of not supporting my recommendations over the last four or five years with DS23.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Wow...he took it very well and for you I'm glad...I hope it all works out for the best  Keep us posted.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Will do. Though I am beginning to think: _That was too easy_.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Will do. Though I am beginning to think: _That was too easy_.


hmmm...what is this gift horse??? the trojans plan was what again????


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I read this whole thread and was amazed that hubby was so agreeable to you moving out. I never knew couples separated not with the goal of divorcing. Good luck with your new job and life.

Also, about the Colombian wife. Is that legal? It sounds like human trafficking to me. That son needs to have more respect for women.


----------



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Wow Sandy. I give you big Kudos for being able to stand up for yourself and do what you're doing. I can't imagine not having my H on the same parenting page as me and how horrific that must have been for you all these years.

Good for you. I hope you get to enjoy some peace.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I read this whole thread and was amazed that hubby was so agreeable to you moving out. I never knew couples separated not with the goal of divorcing. Good luck with your new job and life.
> 
> There is no such thing as a legal separation in Texas, which is rather interesting:scratchhead: I never knew that before this. Attorney said spouses can keep two households due to jobs being outside commuting distance as long as the concur...:smthumbup:
> 
> Also, about the Colombian wife. Is that legal? It sounds like human trafficking to me. That son needs to have more respect for women.


Well, my son met her online in Aug 05. Online dated three months. Then he flew down to Colombia and met her. Came back to Texas two weeks, then said he was going back "in a few weeks" to marry her. I then took away his passport. When DH got back in town, DS goes to DH and says: "Mom won't give me my passport, I am going to marry her...etc. DH and I got in HUGE argument that went on for several days back and forth, with me REFUSING to hand over DS passport. I simply said: "We paid for this passport. We are supporting him, he lives with us, I won't have him flying off to Colombia to marry the GIRL!" My dh finally just would not "STAND BY ME" on my drawing the line. I think he was very angry at DS and ME over this issue, that I had caused DS to be so angry and pitching his fits like he did as soon as his dad got back home. 

SO _finally _I got sick of DH nagging me to "give him back his passport, and DH being pissed off. SO, I handed the passport to DH while in our bedroom late one night where DS could not hear the conversation and I said: "FINE, if YOU want him to have his passport YOU are going to be the one who gives it to him, as I will NOT do so!! IF DS goes off and actually DOES marry this person, I am going to hold you and HIM totally responsible for the results....". (DS was in college, we were supporting him 100%, he had no WAY to support this person...). 

The next day, DH gave passport to DS just to shut DS the hell up. Which I feel was totally wrong as a parenting move.

A week later DS flew back down and married her in January 2006; he was 19 at the time, he told US she was 18. He then flew back home, without her, and she went to Colombian Embassy and got her temporary visa. It took 8 months for her to finally arrive in U.S. and it was a disaster from the first week. SHE was totally dependent on DS for social, EVERYTHING and believe me this DS was not even prepared for everything that transpired from that day forward. 

ALL I did was PRAY every single day this girl did not get pregnant! She didn't and isn't. So she is back in Colombia and they are still married, DS here with us. But DS is in constant contact with her, they have a "relationship" but it is so UP and DOWN. He doesn't see other women, but it is a zoo. 

I am so glad to be leaving out of the middle of this. :smthumbup: DH (in my view) did this, DH created this "monster" of a situation, I've coped the BEST I could over the last 3 years (I also have daughter with brain cancer, and have been trying to deal with all this in the last 3 years also. I have just reached my final limit...).

SO now DH can just "deal" with mess he has made, finish up whatever, I am just out of here. When DS finally leaves and has a job, or WHATEVER the hell it is he is finally going to do...I will be waiting for DH. I just can't take any more of this chaos and "not knowing" which way is "up".


----------

