# Dating advice



## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

I am dipping my feet into the dating pool after getting divorced last year, signed up to dating sites and chatting to some people. However, in the meantime, I met a man 4 months ago who runs a store in my neighbourhood, when I bought something from him. Since then, he would come out to talk to me quite a bit, or my daughter, 3 yo, would go in, so we would get talking. He would keep the conversation going, ask me questions and tell me about him, and seemed interested. There is definitely a spark between us, he knows I am single as I mentioned my divorce in another context, I am pretty sure he is, but we have not gotten into that level of conversation yet. Last week, he mentioned if I wanted to do some sporting activities that we had been talking about that he is involved in to let him know, but this was not a direct invite. So, am really just wondering if he is ever going to invite me to do something more specific, where we can talk outside of his store (he has my phone number from when I ordered the part from his store, and I liked his facebook page, so he would know my Facebook), or is he just been nice? Thanks for any suggestions!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My standard dating advice: if you want to go out with someone, ask them out. After that, if you want to kiss someone, try kissing them. After that, if you want to have sex with someone, try taking their clothes off. 

This applies for both women and men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Based on what you wrote, he was fishing for interest and you did not give any positive indication back. 

Let him know you are still interested in the sporting activities and tell him to contact you with plans. Then "remind" him that he has your number and give it to him again directly, in the context of expecting the sporting activities invite. His business ethics may prevent him from using the number you gave him in the ordering transaction for his personal use, which is a good trait. 

Then after that discussion, immediately FRIEND him on FB, not just liking his page. Friend his personal FB, not his store FB page. 

See how it goes from there.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I agree with both the above comments. He may well not have contacted you since you gave him your phone number for a business reason, and if that's the case then I'd give him great credit for that. If you'd like to meet him outside of work then just ask him, casually if you'd like. Just mention you are free one evening and would he like to go for a coffee or drink or something, keep it casual and don't pressure yourselves with a heavy dinner date. If there isn't a spark then you haven't lost anything.

A couple of suggestions for starting dating, and this is from a guy. Unfortunately there is some real scum out there and you need to keep your wits about you, especially concerning your daughter. She doesn't need to meet everyone you date, in fact quite the opposite. 

You may want to look into getting yourself a virtual phone number that you can give to people so that they don't get your actual home number which can be traced. Look at Google Voice. If you have a Google login then it's free and you can get a number that when someone rings it just forwards straight to your cell, or home or wherever. The advantage of this is that if someone starts calling you inappropriately you can just filter their number out so that it gets blocked. If necessary you can just drop the Google Voice number and you don't have to change your cell phone.

I was divorced and met my, now, wife online. PM me if you'd like any comments related to online dating sites I'd be happy to help.


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

Hi all, sorry for taking so long to get back, I couldn't find the thread ) Advice very sensible, which I followed, and we are meeting tomorrrow  Many thanks


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

So, now asking more advice now that things have moved on a bit  We met twice this week, had a lovely time, spent 2 hours each just running and talking lots, really got to get to know each other and get on really well. In between, we have been sending each other messages on wassup and facebook. He told me yesterday he had a lovely time with me. We have arranged to meet again on Monday. 

The thing is, I am wondering if I should make the first move if he doesn't? He seems to really like me, I would imagine he knows I am interested but maybe he doesn't - he is quite shy and I suspect cautious after his marriage broke up 6 years ago (it seemed to end badly and initiated by his wife, he expressed that he took it hard). The other thing is that he is 12 years older than me, and he may think that I might not be interested because of the age gap ( I am 39, he is 51). It is of no importance to me as I prefer older men, but it may seem like a big gap to him. But other than that, he jumps at any chance to meet, makes it last as long as possible, all the signs are there and there is really strong chemistry. However, I feel that he might never get the courage to make a move and I am no better as it is in an open area, during the day (and no alcohol to help!). 

My idea is therefore either: 1. suggest meeting up for a big festival in our neighbourhood next weekend that takes place at night, that he always goes to (I have never been to it before). 2. take his hand while we are out next Monday during the day and hopefully he will do the rest  Ah, I would die if I ended getting the wrong end of the stick but really want to kiss him! 

Thanks very much for advice, dating is so confusing!!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've never made the first move when dating, this comes from my Christian upbringing, where I was taught that men should always make the 'first move' as it relates to everything pertaining to dating.  lol That said, if you feel that things are moving along well which they sound like they are, showing a 'sign' that you'd like to kiss him, etc...doesn't seem like a bad idea. If it's only been a couple of dates, he might just want to wait until there's a few more before he takes things to a physical realm.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't make the first move. If he is a good guy, he may think you are....

A man expects a challenge with a good woman he'd like to have a LTR with. That's just me, so I'm saying everybody.😊

Also, I think 12 years is too big of a gap, but whatever. My gf is 7 years younger.

Just take things as they come. I assure you he will eventually make his move, and the longer he waits, the better. 

Btw, be very wary of internet dating people. I was one, and am glad I'm out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

This man is afraid of rejection. Not uncommon. If you are both afraid of rejection, this is going to take a LONG time to move along. You are sending the right signals and he is holding back b/c of fear. Now, you have to decide if you are still attracted to him, knowing this, and if so, if you are willing to lead in this interaction, because it seems that is where this is heading.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Irishgal said:


> So, now asking more advice now that things have moved on a bit  We met twice this week, had a lovely time, spent 2 hours each just running and talking lots, really got to get to know each other and get on really well. In between, we have been sending each other messages on wassup and facebook. He told me yesterday he had a lovely time with me. We have arranged to meet again on Monday.
> 
> The thing is, I am wondering if I should make the first move if he doesn't? He seems to really like me, I would imagine he knows I am interested but maybe he doesn't - he is quite shy and I suspect cautious after his marriage broke up 6 years ago (it seemed to end badly and initiated by his wife, he expressed that he took it hard). The other thing is that he is 12 years older than me, and he may think that I might not be interested because of the age gap ( I am 39, he is 51). It is of no importance to me as I prefer older men, but it may seem like a big gap to him. But other than that, he jumps at any chance to meet, makes it last as long as possible, all the signs are there and there is really strong chemistry. However, I feel that he might never get the courage to make a move and I am no better as it is in an open area, during the day (and no alcohol to help!).
> 
> ...


you sound like you are cautious enough and not looking for a one night stand or anything like that, and it sounds like this guy is a gentleman, so i say..............

go for it!


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

Thanks very much for the replies, he has since asked me out on a formal date, so I will leave the moves to him) Gawd, dating is a nerve-wracking business....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm also one to let the man make the first move, as its natural for them to do so. It's very important though, if you are interested that you show him this by being receptive and appreciative of his efforts. I know this sounds like something out of "the rules", and that's not at all how I mean it. What I mean is, put yourself in the man's position...it takes guts to ask someone out, to risk rejection. We've gotta throw 'em a bone so to speak, lol. Something simple like "I had a wonderful time tonight and I hope we get the chance to do it again" is all you need to say...unless he's totally clueless he'll get that you're giving him the green light


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I've never made the first move when dating, this comes from my Christian upbringing, where I was taught that men should always make the 'first move' as it relates to everything pertaining to dating.  lol That said, if you feel that things are moving along well which they sound like they are, showing a 'sign' that you'd like to kiss him, etc...doesn't seem like a bad idea. If it's only been a couple of dates, he might just want to wait until there's a few more before he takes things to a physical realm.



See I might disagree about whether or not women make the first move. Obviously, many of them, including yourself, don't do it overtly, but you do let it be known that you are interested. Isn't that making at least a small move?

My wife thinks exactly like you do and would never make the first move but when we met, I absolutely knew that she was as interested as I was. She didn't ask me out but she was incredibly attentive to me, smiled at me a ton and I swear she made her eyes sparkle my way. :grin2:

Some guys, okay maybe more than some, need the woman to make it very obvious they are interested. While that wasn't necessarily me, I can tell you that I appreciated it from my wife.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I'm also one to let the man make the first move, as its natural for them to do so. It's very important though, if you are interested that you show him this by being receptive and appreciative of his efforts. I know this sounds like something out of "the rules", and that's not at all how I mean it. What I mean is, put yourself in the man's position...it takes guts to ask someone out, to risk rejection. We've gotta throw 'em a bone so to speak, lol. Something simple like "I had a wonderful time tonight and I hope we get the chance to do it again" is all you need to say...unless he's totally clueless he'll get that you're giving him the green light


You're exactly right and let me say on behalf of all men, we appreciate it. When I first started dating my wife, she had a flexible work schedule and some nights she wasn't available but she always went out of her way to tell me what night she was free to go out. She wanted to make sure that I knew she was very interested in seeing me.

In the absence of that, most guys would just think you're not interested and you know what, if you weren't you probably wouldn't tell them the nights you were free.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mostlycontent said:


> See I might disagree about whether or not women make the first move. Obviously, many of them, including yourself, don't do it overtly, but you do let it be known that you are interested. Isn't that making at least a small move?
> 
> My wife thinks exactly like you do and would never make the first move but when we met, I absolutely knew that she was as interested as I was. She didn't ask me out but she was incredibly attentive to me, smiled at me a ton and I swear she made her eyes sparkle my way. :grin2:
> 
> Some guys, okay maybe more than some, need the woman to make it very obvious they are interested. While that wasn't necessarily me, I can tell you that I appreciated it from my wife.


Yes, think there is body language, and such that indicate if a woman is interested in a guy making a first move, physically. But, most guys I've dated, just came out and asked after a date or two...'can I kiss you?' Even the players I've dated, asked. When I was dating, I might have been hard to read, at times.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> You're exactly right and let me say on behalf of all men, we appreciate it. When I first started dating my wife, she had a flexible work schedule and some nights she wasn't available but *she always went out of her way to tell me what night she was free to go out.* She wanted to make sure that I knew she was very interested in seeing me.
> 
> In the absence of that, most guys would just think you're not interested and you know what, if you weren't you probably wouldn't tell them the nights you were free.


Thankyou 

I was the same as your wife re the bolded part...when my husband and I first started seeing each other, if I couldn't see him the night he suggested I would always say "I can't do Tuesday but I'm free Thursday?" and then he'd set it up. I miss dating him...sigh...


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

Well, after all of that (becoming friends in his store, meeting outside of his store and getting to know each other better, firstly to do jogging and then for a night out), I think I really misunderstood his interest, as he did not make a move the night we went out, despite lots of long, lingering looks before and during that night, lots of texts, etc. Things really seemed like he would kiss me until the last hour of the night, when we got talking about our divorces- he has limited access to his daughter- and he got down, his body language after that was closed, even when I linked his arm (was really crowded street party and people were banging into us, but it was also nice to get closer . We have been talking since then- my daughter got sick and I had to cancel doing a jog with him, so he texted and phoned to see how she was, offered to bring her to hospital that night if her fever didn't do down and lovely texts since i went on holidays a few days later. However, my feeling is just that he is not that into me, or just can't, due to his circumstances. I´ll keep a slightly open mind when I get back from holidays, but will be disappointed if it turns out I completely misread the situation....and my feeling tells me that if he was really into me, he would be making this more clear, and that his nice messages etc, are in a friendly rather than potential-boyfriend way.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

frusdil said:


> I'm also one to let the man make the first move, as its natural for them to do so. It's very important though, if you are interested that you show him this by being receptive and appreciative of his efforts. I know this sounds like something out of "the rules", and that's not at all how I mean it. What I mean is, put yourself in the man's position...it takes guts to ask someone out, to risk rejection. We've gotta throw 'em a bone so to speak, lol. Something simple like "I had a wonderful time tonight and I hope we get the chance to do it again" is all you need to say...unless he's totally clueless he'll get that you're giving him the green light


I feel this way too.. if a man is more one of those older fashioned gentlemen type.. he already knows it's expected of him... though I can easily see if this man feels he is too old for you.. and would probably REALLY APPRECIATE all the cues, signals and initiating you have to push this relationship forward.. I can see doing that some on your behalf considering what he's been through..what he's shared....

At the very least.. be very encouraging with his gestures to keep getting together.. keep your word to him.. 

With the age difference...some women would not touch that ...and he knows it, it probably plays on his mind a bit..

You both sound like really good people.. and it's great to see Good people find each other..


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

Hmm, I didn't really consider that maybe he may feel he is too old, or be afraid of rejection/be afraid in general, even though that was mentioned by a previous poster....added to the fact that he is very shy and "proper" as far as I have seen so far...I´ll see how things are between us when I get back from holidays, will still be up to him to make a move of course, but I feel pretty cautious since he did not make any move when we went out 2 weeks ago, and am pulling back emotionally so as not to be disappointed, as it could very well be that he just sees me as a friend, despite all the signs to the contrary.....thanks for all the advice!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

As an old fashioned guy I can tell you that it will help him if you make your thoughts clear. Arm hold was perfect, hold his hand, reach up and stroke his temple and tease him about grey if he's older.

By doing this, breaking the physical barrier initially, he can then be the man he wants to be but being old fashioned (Cowboy Code, whatever) means you don't force yourself on a lady in any way. Your help making it plain goes a long long way.

Also, I can tell you he may want to go slow and build up. Maybe he's been down the other road and is just respectful and wants to get to know you.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Did you flirt with him at all during the date?


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

I am not really good at flirting.....so no, not really...the first few hours, he brought me to several bars and he would just hold eye contact and smile at me, and I returned the smile, of course....It felt like we could certainly kiss at some stage in the night, but I did not flirt, apart from being open, friendly and linking his arm...the thing is, the night flew- there was a big festival and he wanted to show me all of the art pieces on display (he is from the city, and it was my first year to be there for the festival). I also had my daughter with a babysitter for the first time ever, and before I knew it, there was just an hour left, and we were rushing around trying to get to see everything. We had had a discussion about his divorce and he had become visibly upset (has limited access to his daughter, and it was father's day the next day and she was not going to see him). His body language was more closed for that last hour, I linked his arm, he walked me to my door but by that stage, I assumed he was not going to kiss me as thought he would have done it by then, so I didn't give any encouragement. He kissed me on both cheeks (we live in Spain, btw: he is Spanish, I am English). He did pause just before he went, we texted lots over the rest of the weekend, I saw him once since then, before I went on holidays, he was friendly and that was it....we have talked lots since I left, really nice interactions, and I just initially decided he was not interested, mainly to protect myself from getting hurt, but our interaction since then has been really lovely and sweet so is hard not to think of him....


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I think he's interested or he wouldn't have wasted his time. I think he just lacked the confidence to go for it.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

He sounds like me. First kiss at 23, to the first woman who broke my "date" pattern of doing a sequence of evening activities with a woman but having a kind of mental block that if I made a move I would be publicly shamed and carted off to prison, or something like that. 

And here I am many years later, having married this same woman, if I was out there again I don't think I'd be any better!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Celes said:


> I think he just lacked the confidence to go for it.


This, to me, is a tragic mistake many women make. Especially ones that equate a guy's confidence to making a move. Many guys have confidence but aren't players. Many guys make moves to see if they are wasting their time. Many guys actually treat women like they want their mom or daughters or sisters to be treated - respectfully. Then when that moment happens they feel it was for the right reason - they are welcome to do so.

Some women have had men treat them this way and that's what they expect.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

LBHmidwest said:


> This, to me, is a tragic mistake many women make. Especially ones that equate a guy's confidence to making a move. Many guys have confidence but aren't players. Many guys make moves to see if they are wasting their time. Many guys actually treat women like they want their mom or daughters or sisters to be treated - respectfully. Then when that moment happens they feel it was for the right reason - they are welcome to do so.
> 
> Some women have had men treat them this way and that's what they expect.


Easy there. No need to get your panties in a twist. I'm not saying that men who don't make a move lack confidence. I'm only commenting on this particular instance, where the OP didn't quite flirt with him and send him inviting signals.


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

So, what would be acceptable flirting by me in this case in order to encourage him, that would not actually involve making a move? Things like those mentioned above, stroking arm, touching hair, that kind of thing? I have never had a date with anyone this shy and that I started out getting to know as a friend, so is very new territory.....)


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Irishgal said:


> So, what would be acceptable flirting by me in this case in order to encourage him, that would not actually involve making a move? Things like those mentioned above, stroking arm, touching hair, that kind of thing? I have never had a date with anyone this shy and that I started out getting to know as a friend, so is very new territory.....)


Yes, at the right time when you are maybe side by side, put your head on his shoulder. If he doesn't make a make just look up and whisper 'kiss me'


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

What my future wife did as the first move was to reach over and put her hand over mine as we were sitting together while I played the piano. Beethoven, I think. 

Maybe it's pathetic but that still ranks as one of the best moments in what had been a very lonely life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, if you go out again, look for an opportunity to just laugh, reach over and give him a quick peck on the lips, and then change the subject, so that he knows you're open to a kiss.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Celes said:


> Easy there. No need to get your panties in a twist. I'm not saying that men who don't make a move lack confidence. I'm only commenting on this particular instance, where the OP didn't quite flirt with him and send him inviting signals.


So... you are rude and nonsensical? Thanks for playing.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

LBHmidwest said:


> So... you are rude and nonsensical? Thanks for playing.


Hey now, I hardly consider myself nonsensical :wink2:


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Irishgal said:


> We had had a discussion about his divorce and he had become visibly upset (has limited access to his daughter, and it was father's day the next day and she was not going to see him). His body language was more closed for that last hour, I linked his arm, he walked me to my door but by that stage


I think most loving fathers would have trouble keeping their head straight the day before Father's Day when they weren't going to see their child, I know I would.


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

Well, we finally got together hehe, I helped him along, thanks to the flirting tips I got here, he is super shy! ..thanks very much for all the tips!


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