# Was my sexual "attitude" normal for most males?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi everyone! I am 9 months post-divorce. It was the typical downfall of my wife not communicating her unhappiness and/or my failure to pick up on the cues and hints and she turned to infidelity.
After she confessed, it suddenly turned to all my faults in the marriage and how it got us to that point. 
So she focused on my inability to communicate (lack of deep conversations), following through on promises/projects. And she also had a lot of resentment towards me when it came to sex, which is why I'm here.
She said that I used her and that she felt like an object. I never intended to treat her as such. We've been married 10 years with never a comment that I treated her as such. But by the 10 year mark, we were only having sex maybe once a week.

Examples? Sometimes when she asked for just a massage or caress, I would do it well but then take it further(sex). She was right about that. But she never told me no or stopped me and the massages would always turn me on because she had a great body. I wish she would have comminucated that I needed to stop when I started to take it to far. And I wish I had more self control. Believe me, I accept my failure to stop too.
Also, the sex act would usually involve the same 1 or 2 positions. It was mostly missionary. But it was never "rough" or me calling her names in the heat of passion or anything "degrading". But she never viewed it as making love. She viewed it as sex. When I would cum, I liked cumming on her, but never on the face. Just on her tummy or breasts. And I would ALWAYS get a warm, wet towel to clean her off.
After the affair, I made the effort to not take it too far and I was successful. But it was too late in her eyes, because she was infatuated with the OM. 
Anyways, I'm just wondering if in the eyes of women and men here would say that I'm just your normal, typical male? Or did I take things too far? If I am not "normal", I don't want to make the same mistakes with my future relationships.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Lack of communication is what killed your marriage IMHO. Also, your wife should have NEVER had an affair. You own your share of the mistakes in the marriage, but she owns her affair 100%. She could have divorced you before spreading her legs for another man. Don't take ANY responsibility for her affair.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> After she confessed, it suddenly turned to all my faults in the marriage and how it got us to that point.


That's typical. See, if your marriage was an average marriage with some good and some bad, and your wife cheated on you, then she's a bad person who behaved sinfully. But, if your wife was suffering for a decade under your oppressive yoke, well she's a hero for holding out as long as she did. It's not her fault she cheated. It's your fault she did. You should have read her mind about her needs and desires.



Houstondad said:


> So she focused on my inability to communicate (lack of deep conversations), following through on promises/projects.


A man who procrastinates and doesn't enjoy deep, emotional conversations, I've never heard of that.



Houstondad said:


> She said that I used her and that she felt like an object. I never intended to treat her as such. We've been married 10 years with never a comment that I treated her as such. But by the 10 year mark, we were only having sex maybe once a week.


This is also unreasonable. The average frequency for married couples is slightly over twice a week. So you were having sex at half the average rate. That's not enough to keep the average man well satisfied and keep his thoughts from turning sexual.



Houstondad said:


> Examples? Sometimes when she asked for just a massage or caress, I would do it well but then take it further(sex).


So, you were having sex once a week and even getting to that frequency required to you take advantage of opportunities for sex like massages? She's unreasonable again. You don't dangle a cookie in front of a starving man. He'll probably eat it.



Houstondad said:


> But she never told me no or stopped me and the massages would always turn me on because she had a great body. I wish she would have comminucated that I needed to stop when I started to take it to far. And I wish I had more self control. Believe me, I accept my failure to stop too.


Stop letting her make this about your failures. You were a man who wanted to have sex with your attractive wife. Also, you didn't read her mind about what she wanted. Wow! You sound like a monster. No wonder she went and found a man who didn't want to have sex with her. Because she never had sex with her affair partner, right?



Houstondad said:


> Also, the sex act would usually involve the same 1 or 2 positions. It was mostly missionary. But it was never "rough" or me calling her names in the heat of passion or anything "degrading". But she never viewed it as making love.


Maybe you should have been rougher?



Houstondad said:


> She viewed it as sex. When I would cum, I liked cumming on her, but never on the face. Just on her tummy or breasts. And I would ALWAYS get a warm, wet towel to clean her off.
> After the affair, I made the effort to not take it too far and I was successful. But it was too late in her eyes, because she was infatuated with the OM.


You want to know something awful? There's a good chance that your wife and her affair partner were recreating the most degrading pornography you've ever seen. They've probably been around the world. She's probably come home to you with his semen caked on her face.



Houstondad said:


> Anyways, I'm just wondering if in the eyes of women and men here would say that I'm just your normal, typical male? Or did I take things too far? If I am not "normal", I don't want to make the same mistakes with my future relationships.


The only mistake I see is listening to your wife's rationalization hamster turn your average traits and flaws into huge, unforgivable sins. They're not. Your wife just found another man she was more attracted to and rationalized some reasons to blow up your marriage so she could be with him openly. Sorry.

For you future relationships, go to www.marriedmansexlife.com and take the red pill. Go to the blog archives and start on the first post and read them all.

Good luck.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

From that it sounds like *she* has a pretty unhealthy attitude towards sex : /


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Houstondad, your wife should have married another woman so they could communicate through silent thought process. Many women assume that we know what they are thinking.


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## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

From a female perspective "In no way, shape or form was the affair your fault no matter what." In my opinion, you're a normal man who was sexually attracted to your wife. Her lack of communication is what hurt your marriage.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sorry about your divorce.

In any marriage, its 50 / 50 for everything. She is just as much at fault here and not innocent what so ever. Using the you didn't communicate with me card is an excuse. Why couldn't she of had a serious talk with you? You might of worked it out, but instead she did nothing, blames you for everything, and justifies away her affair. Not cool on her part!!!

You thought she was hot and wanted sex with her often. You'd think most wives would be happy about that?!

If she had any fantasies, she should of told you and did them with you.

No man has deep conversations. We're men!!!

Your ex wife was messed up and I wish you the best in finding a good healthy woman who genuinely loves you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

She is a liar. Why believe anything she says? Cheaters rewrite marital history to make themselves look like victims so they can justify their affairs. I wouldn't listen to her opinion about anything. 
You might find more help in the coping with infidelity section.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she lost respect for you somewhere along the way ....most likley because you tried too hard to please her.

put it behind you and move on .


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Don't let her blame you for her affair in any way...that was her choice. 

The marriage may have had problems but it is the responsibility of each spouse to communicate and work on the problems that will inevitably come up in all marriages over time. Having an affair is never the answer or cure to marriage/life.

You sexual appetite sounds very normal and considerate. I think she is just looking for excuses for her bad behavior and lack of boundaries. 

The woman you knew and married and loved is well gone. 

There are other women out there that would love a man who would massage them and want to make love to them. There are many faithful women out there too! 

Put the past behind you... look forward not back.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Her telling you that is her way of justifying the affair in her own mind.

Don't let her convince you it was your fault. It wasn't.

What you describe sounds pretty 'normal' to me. If you expect to improve for your next relationship, either acknowledge that your ex wife was the one with issues and move on, or develop a way to read minds. Because that's the only way you could have known what your ex was thinking.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Lack of communication causes an emotional disconnect and, IMO, this is what killed your relationship. 

IME, when a man is 'connected' to a woman he recognizes her needs (the same as a woman who is 'connected' to a man should recognize his), particularly regarding touch - sexual and non-sexual.

I don't believe your attitude was wrong, OP, just a lack of communication and emotional connection with your ex-W.

As for your W's infidelity - only she is responsible for that.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife has the same complaint about me in regards to the hugging/cuddling/massaging turning into sex.

I will ask her to roll over so I can rub her sore shoulder. 

I will say that "I promise not to grope or rub myself on you." When I say it, I mean it, but when I am so close to her and feeling her skin, it is very hard not to 'try' to take it further. Especially if you haven't had sex of a week or more.

When I am in this position .... her facing away and me rubbing her shoulders, a number of things happen. Most often it is me starting to touch her breasts or bum. She will sometimes say to stop and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. When I stop, she sometimes starts it herself. When I don't stop, she sometimes gets pissed off. Sometimes she eventually gets into it.

I think of it as a game now. I tell her I won't touch her intimately, but she knows I probably will. What is most fun is when I can hold off touching her until she makes it obvious she wants me to.

This is the games we play. For me it adds to the build up of it.

When we are getting along, we can talk and laugh about our game and both admit exactly what is happening. I tell her, hey if we had sex a day or two ago, then I have no problem just being close. But if it has been more than 4 days (my magic number), then all bets are off. As I said, when she is in a good mood, this is understood.

But when she is grumpy and I ask her to roll over, she will get nasty and tell me how she can't trust me because I will just 'try to use her', etc.

If we were to divorce, I can see her using this 'game' that we play against me, just like your ex-wife is doing to you.

Since we are both the same, I am sure hoping we are 'normal' guys.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

To answer your initial question: sounds pretty normal to me, with the exception of ejaculating on your wife during intercourse. It's not the average woman who considers that very appealing, even if I don't know the frequency with which it's done in most relationships.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> To answer your initial question: sounds pretty normal to me, with the exception of ejaculating on your wife during intercourse. It's not the average woman who considers that very appealing, even if I don't know the frequency with which it's done in most relationships.


Out of curiosity, I asked my wife to read the OP and to give me her opinion. She basically said exactly what you wrote.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

What is an "OP"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> What is an "OP"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Original post or original poster.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Houstondad,

I sounds like you have a very normal sex drive. Shoot, I'd be upset if my husaband gave me a massage and did not get aroused by it. Not getting aroused is a bad sign for the relationship.

It might be true that you did not communicate enough with her, but that is something that could have been fixed. Unless she tried hard to get you to meet those needs of hers and you refused, she is at fault in not working to get what she needed out of the relationship.

The bottom line is that your marriage was not perfect. No marriage is perfect. People are supposed to work on their marriage and not run off to have affairs. Your wife is 100% responsible for her choice to have an affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> What is an "OP"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When referring to a person, its' the "original poster" on the thread.

When referring to the thread, it's the "original post", or first post that started the thread.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Houstondad, you sound pretty damn normal to me. I am sorry your ex wife cheated on you.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> Hi everyone! I am 9 months post-divorce. It was the typical downfall of my wife not communicating her unhappiness and/or my failure to pick up on the cues and hints and she turned to infidelity.
> After she confessed, it suddenly turned to all my faults in the marriage and how it got us to that point.
> So she focused on my inability to communicate (lack of deep conversations), following through on promises/projects. And she also had a lot of resentment towards me when it came to sex, which is why I'm here.
> She said that I used her and that she felt like an object. I never intended to treat her as such. We've been married 10 years with never a comment that I treated her as such. But by the 10 year mark, we were only having sex maybe once a week.
> ...


My compliments for your investigating and analyzing mindset now. I think you learned and want to learn more. I think that can only be a great gain in positive ways.

I think you were quite 'normal', where normal maybe is not good enough. And, normal has to be seen as falling in a broad range of common behaviour.

'Normal' is also getting a divorce, I believe in the US being the case.

If you want to learn not to make mistakes for future relationships I and others are barely able to give you THE advice. You will have to gather bits and bites, evaluate, test and incorporate in your thought/behaviour system. Some lifelong feeling, reading and thinking will be the road to El Dorado here. It more a kind of having an open mind that is important, and I feel you are already on the right track.

And then something else bad will happen to your life....meaning life does not give guarantees or anything. You will have to follow a 'way' because you think it is the 'good' way, no mather what the outcome is of your life.

Good luck.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Sorry about your divorce.
> 
> In any marriage, its 50 / 50 for everything. She is just as much at fault here and not innocent what so ever. Using the you didn't communicate with me card is an excuse. Why couldn't she of had a serious talk with you? You might of worked it out, but instead she did nothing, blames you for everything, and justifies away her affair. Not cool on her part!!!
> 
> ...


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sometimes I read a post and I think I should just leave. Houston quit beating yourself up. You my friend have been sucker punched.

I can relate to your story in so many ways and it certainly gives me something to ponder about this evening. 

And who said marriage is 50/50? What fairytale town are you from? The only marriages that are 50/50 are the ones where a spouse who insists it be that way and they will define what 50/50 means. Marriage is constant give and take. sometimes it is 90/10 or 45/55 etc. but it is never 50/50.


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