# is an affair a good thing when there's abuse



## afraidwife (Feb 24, 2017)

or are we all terrible sinners? It feels like divorce here on this site is encouraged and although i dont want to get divorced I feel like there's no hope.


19 years together (dating for 9)
he was always 'the man' and made decisions and I let him happily
but if I made a mistake like burning the pot or breaking the window he would flip out, calling me names, or throwing tantrums that intimidated me
some physical abuse thrown in there as well, hitting me on the face, pinning me down, pushing me or suddenly slapping me
eventually it got to the point if any mistake was made i would take blame and say sorry to avoid the berating screaming tantrums
so i became the perfect wife and his bad behavior usually stopped until the next time I 'gave him lip' or 'spoke back' to him
met someone else and fell completely for them. they are sane. they are horrified at my stories, they want to help me but know I must help myself out of this.

I think the "affair fog" might have gotten my brain chemicals and I don't want to make a mistake. This husband has been there for me through everything, and can behave 86% of the time. But whenever he is in a foul mood (usually mornings or empty stomach, or i have said or done something wrong) he can go off. He never "goes off" in front of anyone else, but will talk down to me in front of people.

He never apologizes for his outbursts, and usually doesn't speak to me after them until I apologize. He recently started saying he wants to change but i gave him a little test by being mean to him and he hit me in the arm. He won't go to marriage counseling.

I wondered why the affair affected me so much, my entire being just wants to leave him. Then I read "why does he do that" by lundy and realized maybe my marriage isn't so perfect as I thought it was. The one chapter said "does he back you into corners, does he raise his fist, and has he hit you?" and my answers are "yes, yes and yes" and the book said "if this is the case you don't have to ask yourself if he could be an abuser, because he already is" and I broke down and cried and cried.

TLDR... why is divorce so horrible and divorced people are the worst according to my parents. why did i marry this guy thinking he would change and is impossible for him to change? is my new love clouding my vision or opening my eyes?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Physical and verbal abuse is never acceptable. You need to remove yourself from this marriage.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

Affairs are never good. Neither is abuse. If its bot working or fixable (counselling etc) then you should save yourself and get out x

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I like that you posted such a provocative headline. Good click bate. My response would be that if you rely on so call "affair fog" to let you be assertive and take control of your life you haven't learned to take control of your life. I see it like working out. I can gain more muscle mass by taking steroids and doing nothing then I can by just working out. But when I stop taking steroids I haven't really gained any strength. 

You main problem isn't even your husband, at this point you have identified that problem, it's that you don't have it in you to leave him. Even now if you leave you will still be vulnerable to the same type of men. Bullies are adept at finding people who will not fight back (I don't mean physically) I mean people who won't stand up to them and say, nope where done. If you do not fix this side of yourself you will continue to attract the same type of men. 

By all means leave your abuser but do it with honor and strength and that will carry over to everything else in your life. That is how you should be starting out your new path. 

Finally divorce is fine, actually it's wonderful if you are being abused. The answer to your last question is your parents are wrong.


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## Itwasjustafantasy (Jan 8, 2016)

You are in an abusive relationship. People dovorce for different reasons and some might say certain reasons are trivial, abuse however is a big issue and I think most would agree a very good reason to leave a marriage .

Now the affair is another issue. My concern is that given your description of your husband's temperament were he to find out your are cheating on him your safety would be at great risk. Unless your AP is actively helping you work on a safe way to leave your marriage, I think he is being rather selfish and putting you in more danger by pursuing this relationship with you.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

One spouse should never cheat on the other regardless of what's going on in a marriage.

Pretty brave to cheat while you have an abusive spouse, he already hits on you just think of what would happen if he finds out.

You need to get away from this abuser, cheaters always get caught you have just been lucky not to thus far.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Itwasjustafantasy said:


> You are in an abusive relationship. People dovorce for different reasons and some might say certain reasons are trivial, abuse however is a big issue and I think most would agree a very good reason to leave a marriage .
> 
> Now the affair is another issue. My concern is that given your description of your husband's temperament were he to find out your are cheating on him your safety would be at great risk. Unless your AP is actively helping you work on a safe way to leave your marriage, I think he is being rather selfish and putting you in more danger by pursuing this relationship with you.


I 2nd what @Itwasjustafantasy says up here about the risk. Your husband sounds very much like my father. My parents have been together since they were 17, mom's 52 now and still stuck in that disgustingly abusive relationship. 

I think your husband likely shares the same fear of abandonment that is evident with my father. My mom has never really made an effort to leave. However he's resorted to hiding her passport, her wallet and keeping her locked in the house to prevent her from leaving on 2 occasions. We had gotten her flight tickets to visit my siblings and he was convinced our motive was to use it as a way to force her to leave him.


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## quin (Feb 14, 2017)

The affair would be the least of my concerns right now. No, there is never any excuse for cheating. 

What happens when he finds out about it? If he'll beat you for burning a pot then his reaction to you having an affair would be horrifying.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Run.

He finds out and you are probably going to receive the beating of your life...if not worse.



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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

afraidwife said:


> or are we all terrible sinners? It feels like divorce here on this site is encouraged and although i dont want to get divorced I feel like there's no hope.
> 
> 
> 19 years together (dating for 9)
> ...


* Divorce itself is nowhere near as horrible as the causes of it, whether they be abuse, neglect, or infidelity!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This man is already using you for a punching bag and you think it's a good idea to cheat on him? Really? If your parents truly think divorced people are the worst, then they have led very sheltered lives. They aren't married to him and neither should you be. Stop playing with fire.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

afraidwife said:


> or are we all terrible sinners? It feels like divorce here on this site is encouraged and although i dont want to get divorced I feel like there's no hope.
> 
> 
> 19 years together (dating for 9)
> ...


Individuals sometimes resort to affairs to get the power to balance more in their favor.

In regards to the verbal abuse, he can change, but he has to agree to self-improvement. Relationships are optional (and contractual) arrangements. Do what is best for you. If he resorts to physically hitting you when you are trying to better the relationship, then realize that further risk is there. Forget what your pastor and parents think. You are the only one feeling your emotions and feeling the physical strikes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You do not have a real marriage with the abuse from your husband, he actually ended the marriage.

So a divorce is just formalising what he did, by breaking his vows.

And an affair is like a sticking plaster when radical surgery is required.

Don't do the affair, but do do the divorce.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In my book the badness of an abusive marriage completely dwarfs the badness of an affair. I think your focus should be on getting out. 

Please don't let any sense of guilt over the affair make you stay in an abusive marraige .


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think that it would be very easy to mistake any guy who is simply being kind to you, as falling for that guy. Your husband is terrible, an abuser...so any nice guy who is telling you nice things, you might get caught up in those feelings. I wouldn't jump from one relationship to another one. You have to rescue yourself. Don't allow another guy to rescue you out of a bad marriage. You need to find a way to leave this marriage, safely...and heal before you get involved with a new guy, IMO.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

afraidwife said:


> TLDR... why is divorce so horrible and divorced people are the worst according to my parents. why did i marry this guy thinking he would change and is impossible for him to change? is my new love clouding my vision or opening my eyes?


Divorce is more common than remaining married today.. You married an abusive man.. you need to leave him.. if you married him THINKING he would change.. hard lesson.. this never never never works...

We are who are are.. it's imperative to be compatible with someone we settle down with.. so we can get through the hard times together...

This new man.. is he married too? What is his history with women ? Everyone seems wonderful at first, they are being kind , considerate... it takes years / many shared experiences to unravel the layers of what a person is truly made of.. as difficult as it may be... do not trust your judgement on anyone new right now.. any comparison is going to look good against an abusive man...

You need comfort, you long to feel loved.. better to lean on family/ friends while you end your abusive marriage... focus on this.. and make a clean break.


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## whitepicketfence (Feb 26, 2017)

I feel like the affair should be put to an end honestly. If this new guy hears about all the horrific things your husband does to you he should be planning a safe escape or at least putting the relationship on the back burner until you can get out. I understand that you need an emotional outlet, but you have to think about your safety first. If your husband discovers you having this affair he might do something worse than he has done before.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, 

You need to read posts by @EleGirl. You cannot substitute one problem for another. Your OM is part of the problem not a solution. Twenty years ago(?) Dr Drew had a radio show with Adam Sandler(sp?) that learned a lot from. He cited a stat that was mind blowing, that abuse victims almost always hooked of with another abuser. You need help to get out of this marriage the right way. This thread has a lot of great links http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ronic-destructive-behaviors.html#post15599402. There are national and local organization that are waiting for you to reach out and go to them. 

Years ago I tried to help a battered woman. Unlike your OM I would not become involved with her. Why? Because she was so broken even if I was worth billions, treated her perfectly, it still felt I would be taking advantage of her. To take advantage of a person in that state I find personal revolting. I called a help line, they where nice but clear: she needed to call them, she needed to come to them. I asked well if I get a cab and bring her to you. There answer: it would not do any good. She had to make a choice to change. I was transfered shortly after. I hope she did reach out but to few do. 

So all I can say to you is: it does not have to be this way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

afraidwife said:


> or are we all terrible sinners? It feels like divorce here on this site is encouraged and although i dont want to get divorced I feel like there's no hope.


The reason that you see a lot of suggestion to divorce on this forum is that very often, by the time someone comes here to post, their marriage has hit to point of no return. If the ship is sinking, the only good advice is to get into a life boat and get the hell out of there.

And it sounds to me like you need to find a life boat.

Now that you know that you are in an abusive relationship, what have you done to get away from the situation?

Have you done any counseling? 

What sort of a support system do you have?

Do you have a job?


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## afraidwife (Feb 24, 2017)

background: I have schooling, have worked all my life. Incidentally, the husband has not worked ever, and lives off an inheritance. We split all costs, but it still makes me resentful he will not get a job and lives off his inheritance, even though I would probably do the same if i were in his shoes. But it shouldn't make me resentful, what if i were rich and chose not to work.. would i let him live off of me? I don't know. But I feel he should either let me quit and stop working to enjoy life as he does.. or either help out somewhat with housework. But he doesn't do anything there. No laundry, cleaning, etc. He won't buy a mower to mow lawn but wants to pay people to do it, but he procrastinates until our yard is like a foot high, it's embarrassing. Sometimes he will cook if we do it together and I let him take charge of what part he helps with.

But I don't want to divorce him over housework, or money. I don't want to be so petty. 

counseling: he won't go to couples counseling, but I read that couples counseling is bad with abusers, that they manipulate it and strengthen their hold on you. I have gone to counseling since meeting my new love. To find out why I fell so hard, so fast, and feel nothing but pity/contempt for my husband. And only then did it come out that I first admitted to physical abuse. The counselor urged me to talk about it so I told some friends and my new love and they are horrified. 

But he doesn't come home and hit me every day out of nowhere... it's only when I've been 'mouthy' or 'out of line' talking down to him. Maybe once a year or so. Maybe it is my fault because I shouldn't treat him this way. But my parents and his parents have commented that he talks down to me, like a servant in front of them, ordering me around, and I didn't realize this was happening until I met my new friend, who treats me with respect and kindness. Once I had a little taste of what kindness felt like, I fell so hard, head over heels. 

Husband doesn't seem to mind me spending time with the other person. He seems relieved that I'm not around all the time bothering him. He can do his computer and TV and sports and porn without interruption. He knows where I am and who I'm with.

I could break it off with my love, and go back to being married but I have ZERO motivation to do so, and that's I think because of all the inequalities through the years. I could try to save the marriage but usually abusers don't change, so should I live with a supportive decent husband who is good 90% of the time or jump ship into the unknown?

husband pros: good family, same interests, funny, charming, will help with things when asked in a kind manner, would give you the shirt off his back (especially if you don't ask for it)

I even read here people married to a good, kind, decent spouse will cheat and want to leave so it feels like any relationship is doomed. 

Also it feels like my husband has separate problems like depression or PTSD from navy or ADD or ADHD with regard to the severity and intensity of his violent outbursts which are not in proportion to whatever problem made him mad. So I am breaking my vows by leaving him when I should be concentrating on helping him.

The worst part though, is I felt "in love" with him until the new love came along. And now I'm using all these excuses to run away now? Was i in denial all these years about my feelings and pretending to not care when he was mean to me? It feels like an emotional crisis and I've never felt this way before, and no matter what I do my life will never be the same again now that I've admitted he's not a perfect husband like I pretended, and that I'm capable of having someone treat me nicely.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You should end one relationship, marriage or not, before entering into a new one, IMO. If you don't love your husband anymore, if he is abusive, you should end your marriage. If you are trying to have both worlds, it won't help you. The guy you're involved with sounds like a jerk too, honestly...if he's willing to be involved with a married woman. You're jumping from one bad situation to a new one. Neither guy is healthy for you, tbh. You need to heal, and learn how to bring yourself happiness, instead of looking to men to do it for you.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Honestly, OP you need to fix yourself before you try to fix either the marriage or the affair. You make excuses for the abuse by your H, but run to your Lover, both signs of generally low self esteem. An affair is a temporary detour from the disaster your marriage has become. You know this, but are looking validation to not make a decision.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Not sure if this will be helpful or not, but my parents also were very conservative. my dad is a preacher and mom a stay at home mom. As religious as they come, and they were 100% against any type of divorce.

Then my wife and I divorced. My dad was against it at first, but once it was done, he gave me a hug one day and said he just wanted me to be happy.

I've been through 2 divorces, and while I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, they aren't the end of the world. Especially from a Parents perspective.

I'd stop "Asking" mom/dad for their views and just do what is right. If you need to seperate for a few months, maybe that will wake up your H. If you are already emotionally attached to another, seperation will not help because YOU won't be able to really work on the relationship due to your heart being taken already by the affair. I would just divorce and also end the affair. It can't work, because it started on the wrong foot!

Take a year or two and just relax and date and your folks will be fine. DO NOT JUMP into another marriage, especially with the affair guy. It won't last.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think you are putting your life at risk by having an affair while being married to a man who would hit you just for being 'mouthy". What do you think he will he do to you when he finds out that your having sex with your "friend". You are clearly not thinking straight. First, end your "friendship" with the other man. Then end your marriage. Then on your own, work on yourself. Particularly, by getting your self respect back.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

An affair is not a good thing when there is abuse but a divorce is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think you are making a lot of excuses for your husband. From what you have written, he is not good 90% of the time.

He talks own to you in front of others and when you are alone. That's called verbal abuse. He will not do his fair share of things like housework. It further points to him looking down on you and seeing you as a servant. Since you work full time, he should be picking up the majority of house work. That way the two of you can spend more quality time together. But it sound like he's not interested in that either.

He's physically abusive. And nothing you do justifies him abusing you physically or any other way.

You do his laundry, clean up after him and cook for him. Why do you do all this? 

Now about the affair, only about 3% of affairs last once the marriage is out of the picture. Affairs are based on fantasy. So don't make decisions based on the guy you are in an affair with. Instead make the decision of what you want to do with your life based what is best for you, staying with an abusive man who has mental health issues or being free and on your own.

Then, if you choose to leave the marriage and the affair relationship does last, all it good. If the affair relationship does not maintain after you leave your husband, all is good because you left to get away from abuse. So you will be better off on your own.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

afraidwife, I think you should go talk to a counselor in real life. Not clergy but a licensed therapist. Your job should provide Employee Assistance Program, EAP, which is free and totally confidential. Your employer will never know you even went.

Ok, a couple of thoughts on your situation. First, nothing justifies abuse. You can mouth off to him, break a window, whatever, and it doesn't justify him abusing you. Whether he is emotionally abusive by yelling and intimidating you, or physically abusing you by hitting you, none of it is justified ever. Not ever. You might know ways to trigger his abuse, but it isn't your fault he abuses you!!!!

Secondly, nothing justifies cheating. I can understand how some affairs happen, but it doesn't make it ok. It is understandable how you found someone else interesting, but it doesn't make it morally ok to cross the line into cheating. Remember as a kid people would say 2 wrongs don't make a right? Same thing here. His abuse is wrong, but that doesn't excuse your cheating. But I don't think now is the time for us to give you a hard time about the affair, because I think you need to end the marriage. Need to end it. Which makes the affair a non-issue in some ways.

I agree you are in danger from your abusive husband because of the affair. But I also believe you need some external support systems to get you out of the abusive marriage. However, I think the danger of the affair outweighs the benefit of the friendship with your affair partner. I think you need to cut off the affair at least for the immediate future until you can get out of the house permanently. Your affair partner is likely in danger, too, from your husband.

So I think the right thing to do is for you to seek out counseling with EAP immediately, as well as work on a good quick strategy to get out of the house. Perhaps someone here can reach out to you privately with resources for abused women. Your counselor should be able to get you in touch with local resources quickly. Then you can take the necessary steps to safely get out of the house asap. I believe you need help in doing this safely.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Abuse and adultery are both wrong. I think you must leave this man who physically and emotionally abuses you, and get yourself together before you even think of another relationship.Think about why you married such an awful man.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

afraidwife said:


> or are we all terrible sinners? It feels like divorce here on this site is encouraged and although i dont want to get divorced I feel like there's no hope.
> 
> 
> 19 years together (dating for 9)
> ...


You are a victim of domestic violence, please go and seek help with an appropriate womens organisation. Do you have kids? I hope not. You shouldn't have affairs but I could see how you sought compassion/love elsewhere. Get out of this marriage, your H is an abuser.


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## afraidwife (Feb 24, 2017)

more background: I guess I don't understand why abuse is this thing that I should automatically dump him. 

Any marriage will have pros and cons, ups and downs. No partner is perfect. I see him as a flawed individual. Like myself, like you, like everyone else. He is great on paper, and supportive financially and emotionally through many (most) of life's ups and downs.

It is not every hour he does this, and sometimes the thing that will set him off one day won't set him off the next day. Or vise versa. 

When it does happen I can see your point, because he is raging at me as if I am some stupid idiot, calling me names, F this and F that. If it's just verbal and seems harmless I will sometimes argue my point or stand my ground but most of the time it doesn't work to reason with him when he's like that. Confronting him back, or leaving the room, or crying will all escalate it and if I persist he will get physical. The best and quickest way to make it end without incident is to agree that I'm incompetent and say I'm sorry and I've learned my lesson and it won't happen again and to look very sorry that I have upset him and then afterwards be nice and cook him dinner or do something nice for him.

But is it the same as someone who punches me in the eye or breaks my arm for not having dinner hot when he comes home from work? No.

I guess I don't see why abuse is a deal breaker but other things in marriage you have to try harder to make it work. And is it JUST physical abuse? Most of the time it's verbal or mental abuse. But there is a pattern of behavior there.

I guess I've put my feelings and emotions on the back burner for years/decades. I put the marriage first and him, and making it work. And now just anyone can come along and say 3 kind words and my whole world crumbles around me, and I just want to get away from my husband. But people in GOOD marriages can have an affair and suddenly have the I love you but not in love with you and want to get away from their spouse. So I feel confused.

If I would have come to the conclusion I was in an abusive relationship on my own, without the affair, it would seem 'legitimate' to leave him. But the affair destroyed my whole world, because I am not "rewriting history" he did push, shove, choke, hit, and kick me a different times through the years. I am in therapy but I feel like it's white people first world problems and I'm making something out of nothing and I should just stay married and be a good christian.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Would it be ok if he were cutting your arm with a razor blade? Just once in a while, not every day. It heals over, no big deal, right?

When he emotionally abuses you, he is harming you. He is injuring you. When he hits you he is harming you physically and also emotionally.

Would it be ok if a stranger came over and hit you and choked you in a rage? Or would you call the police and have him thrown in jail? I hope you'd do the latter, because when a person assaults another it is a violent crime. That is what your husband is doing, committing a violent crime.

What does your therapist say about the situation?

Is your therapist a good Christian counselor or are they a licensed psychologist?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

afraidwife said:


> But is it the same as someone who punches me in the eye or breaks my arm for not having dinner hot when he comes home from work? No.
> 
> I guess I don't see why abuse is a deal breaker but other things in marriage you have to try harder to make it work. And is it JUST physical abuse? Most of the time it's verbal or mental abuse. But there is a pattern of behavior there.
> 
> I guess I've put my feelings and emotions on the back burner for years/decades. I put the marriage first and him, and making it work. And now just anyone can come along and say 3 kind words and my whole world crumbles around me, and I just want to get away from my husband. But people in GOOD marriages can have an affair and suddenly have the I love you but not in love with you and want to get away from their spouse. So I feel confused.


Physical abuse is obviously bad. At its worst it kills and/or maims a person. Emotional abuse is bad because it kills and maims you emotionally.

Do you assume that people who cheat all get into affairs for the same reason? Look at what you became, someone so starved to be treated decently that you fell into an affair with someone just because they treated you with respect and kindness.


afraidwife said:


> If I would have come to the conclusion I was in an abusive relationship on my own, without the affair, it would seem 'legitimate' to leave him. But the affair destroyed my whole world, because I am not "rewriting history" he did push, shove, choke, hit, and kick me a different times through the years. I am in therapy but I feel like it's white people first world problems and I'm making something out of nothing and I should just stay married and be a good christian.


Do you see how much you have been destroyed, your own sense of self-worth? You feel that you deserve to be mistreated in the past because today you are cheating. That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You have been emotionally destroyed. And now you want to use race as an excuse to stay in the marriage. Do you really think that people of races other than your own race are ok with being in abusive relationships? They are not.

Are you going to be a good Christian and confess you sin of adultery to your husband? How do you think he will react?

I think that this abusive relationship is all you really know so you are afraid to leave it. It’s not love. It’s not being a Christian. It’s just easier to stay and be abused than to exercise the huge amount of effort that is needed to leave.

If you like being abused, think it is all you deserve and want stay in your marriage, then do it. And then if you make that choice you have no right to complain because you are no longer a victim. You are a participant. That’s your life choice.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I stayed in a bad marriage way too long, trying to focus on the positive like you seem to be doing here. I didn't know life could be any better as I thought everyone had their issues. All excuses to keep you trapped in a bad situation. It had been almost 7 months since I left my husband and I can say it was the best decision I ever made. Not all men are like this and you deserve to be happy. Stop making excuses for his behavior!!!


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