# What's the point?



## 110816 (May 21, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have two children (12 & 14). I have stayed in this marriage through multiple financial betrayals, infidelity, and overwhelming nastiness. As I concentrate on my children from 3pm to bedtime, I work 7 days a week (from home) to make enough money to pay the mortgage. Over the years I have felt intermittent depression which has increased to a regular frequency. 

Something happened yesterday which has me on the verge of having him removed from our house. During the month of May, he was not able to contribute any money toward food or the kids. Yesterday I asked him how much money he would contribute to the household for June…and he started laughing.

At this age in life I think my children could handle a divorce. I am considering filing for divorce within a month to allow my children time to adjust over the summer before starting school in the fall.

Does anyone have any input for me?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not really. It sounds as if you've made your decision (and probably rightly so based on what you've presented here)

Be sure to have a consultation with a lawyer before you do anything else so you'll know what your rights are and what his or (or what he may be entitled to)


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Sounds like you don't have much of a marriage anymore. I agree with Toffer, you've already decided, and who can blame you? But do speak with a lawyer and have a plan in place.

The kids are old enough to understand, and trust me, they've already figured out that they aren't living with Ozzie and Harriet.

Your post just broke my heart, it sounds like you've been in a bad place for a while. Please keep us posted.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

A relationship should be balanced and it sounds like yours isnt meaning both parties need to be contributing if he will not or can not then you need to make other arrangements it sounds like you have already decided which direction to go 

Good Luck


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

110816 said:


> During the month of May, he was not able to contribute any money toward food or the kids. Yesterday I asked him how much money he would contribute to the household for June…and he started laughing.


I'm curious to know what that means. What does "unable" mean? Does he not work? Or, is he refusing to contribute financially despite having an income?


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## 110816 (May 21, 2012)

Good Question River - Yes he works. He pays the utilities and health insurance. Last month he was not able to put any money toward food because he used some money to visit his father in Las Vegas. 

I understand that he had no money left in May. I just can't seem to get over hearing him laugh when I asked him about June.


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## babyowlsrcute (May 12, 2012)

I do not have kids, so I may be way out of line here, but divorce while they are in their young teens might be very hard on them. Unless there is abuse, couldn't you try councling at least to make it a few more years until the children are older teenagers? Just a thought
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

110816 said:


> Good Question River - Yes he works. He pays the utilities and health insurance. Last month he was not able to put any money toward food because he used some money to visit his father in Las Vegas.
> 
> I understand that he had no money left in May. I just can't seem to get over hearing him laugh when I asked him about June.


Why did he prioritize visiting his dad in Vegas over food? That does not compute...

And part of the role of being a parent is teaching your kids what a healthy marriage should look like. Staying together for their sake in cases like this is not necessarily the best thing.

It does sound like you two may need to get your financial house in order, though. And you may want to start doing that while you're still together. Because getting a separation or divorce isn't going to magically make things easier. The income you both bring in will now be split between two households, instead of one. Getting money from him sounds like it will be a continuous struggle, so you'll need to try to be self-supporting, including utilities and insurance. You're in a position right now where it's not critical you leave next week, for example, so take some time and figure out your next steps and goals.

Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 110816 (May 21, 2012)

Thank you all for your input. I want to do what is best for our children and am heavily balancing the potential outcome. PBear - Thank you for your logic. As sad as it is I am preparing myself financially for a divorce at a point in the future. 

At this particular point in time, the hardest thing for me is simply managing my negative feelings toward him. I am no longer able to look at him without feeling disgust and when I hear his voice my skin crawls. The lack of respect he has openly displayed for me for so many years has taken its toll. I am ashamed that I am now displaying a lack of respect toward him. I do not like the person I have become.

I do not know why it took so long for me to get to this point. ....His spiraling credit card debt year, after year, after year; changing his billing address so that the bills would not come to our house; affair with babysitter, the same woman holding my infant while I worked; calculating planning to procreate with her, they even used a fertility kit; (she disappeared when we filed for 50% custody); talking bad about me to his family members and anyone else who would listen, (I have never told anyone the things he has done); but the worst of all....his unwillingness to “own” anything he has done and his constant nastiness /sarcasm. 

I must be the dumbest person in the world to have put up with him for so many years.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No, you're not dumb. But it is time to take action, as you're already realized. The only dumb thing would be to assume that you are not worth better.

GOOD LUCK


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## 110816 (May 21, 2012)

Thank you Iamaga. Just having a plan in place has lifted the burden of my “I do” mistake.


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## Lynn79 (May 25, 2012)

I know how you feel. While our situations are somewhat different, I too feel stupid for staying when all of the stuff is going on that is. 

You can do whatever choice you make. I'm starting my own journey of divorcing my husband and know it's sooooo not easy, but you have to think about you too. I keep asking myself if this is the life I want to live or do I want a chance at something better? I will always love my husband, but I can't live with him. I can't let his issues define me. 

It's a huge step, but whatever you decide will be the right choice.


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## 110816 (May 21, 2012)

I wish you the best Lynn. It is good that you can say you will always love your husband even though you are moving on.

I unfortunately cannot say that. I feel like a great darkness has been lifted off my head. I also think it will easy to divorce him as I feel nothing but contempt for him. He had so many years to right his wrongs (and righting the wrongs only involved taking responsibility for his actions), but he opted not to.

My current situation is merely one of financial planning for my “move.” My feeling of stupidity is quickly changing to feelings of liberation.


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