# Husband cheated due to illness



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

*the first time I tried to post about this it never showed. I'm sorry if a similar story pops up twice*

I had originally posted in the sex and marriage section (lack of sex in marriage due to illness) because most of my marriage I have been very ill and it has caused us to have a sexless marriage but I had been attempting to help the issue by providing other means of sexual release for him, counseling, etc. The kind people in that forum recommended I start a post here.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/176193-lack-sex-marriage-due-illness.html

Today I found out he cheated and am devastated. He had been away due to a family issue and when he came back we had a nice night in. The next day he completely ignored me. I asked if there was anything wrong with his family and got no response. I asked if everything was ok with us and was told No. He wanted a divorce as soon as possible and was no longer in love with me. He wanted us to still be friends but he could no longer love someone who he couldn't have sex with. He was very mad at me and eventually left. I am a very shy, introverted person and do not have many friends (which I feel is going to cause me much anguish in the near future) but I know my neighbor and invited her over. She was very kind but told me I needed to look at his computer while he was gone to see if he had been cheating.

I got into his computer and found tons of messages that confirmed he had been sleeping with a friend of a friend, messages telling people how much he hates me and how lazy I am, messages propositioning female friends (who I truly thought were just friends of his) for sex, messages making fun of me and my illness. It was absolutely awful. 

When he came home I confronted him about the messages (yes I made copies) and he denied and denied. He was so angry that I had snooped (which I never do) but tried to have an innocent explanation for everything. He felt that it was ok to proposition women for sex because he knew he wanted a divorce at that time. He then asked if we wanted to go out to dinner. The rest of the night has continued like this- basically saying anything mean that he can to make me cry and then standing there and watching me cry, denying everything or making ludicrous excuses, or suddenly being nice and friendly. 

I cannot stop throwing up. I love my husband. But I cannot forgive betrayal like this (and he has made it clear that he will not consider a reconciliation). I do not know what to do as I do not have many friends in the area and I do not make enough money to live on my own here. My family is very against divorce but if they were to let me move home I would (hopefully) have a place to live but I would have to find a new job and meet new people (I only know 2-3 people in my hometown since I have not lived there in quite a long time but unfortunately a TON of my husbands friends live in the area and I do not want to run into them).

Any advice is appreciated


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Call your family and get out of there. This man has been awful to you. I read your other thread... the fact that he is completely unsupportive of you while you struggle with your illness AND go above and beyond to provide sexual release for him, and now come to find out he's cheating and calling you horrible things..... ugh. Men like him make me SICK.  

Call your family. Tell them the situation. Yep, it will be awkward. But it will be worth it. You owe it to yourself to get out of that toxic environment as soon as possible. He wants a divorce? FINE. Let him get the (piss poor excuse for a) partner he deserves. 

Good things await you in life. Go out there and get them!


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

He didn't cheat due to your illness, he cheated because he has his own mental illness.

Don't blame or bash yourself.

He knew fully well what he was doing.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Miche, 

It is VERY late here and I need to get my Dear Hubby to bed, but I want to remind you of something. My Dear Hubby is very ill, and our sex life is not "non-existent" but it is changed quite a bit because he is not feeling well. 

Guess what? I would never DREAM of leaving my Dear Hubby, not if it lasted for the rest of our lives, because I care about the whole him, not just his P. I get all the rest of the package with him: financially, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally...and to the degree we can, physically. And I made a promise to him. 

I'm telling you this because your husband didn't cheat because of your illness. He cheated because he is an unfaithful adulterer, and that is not due to you! Now, is his sexual frustration understandable? SURE! Of Course! He's a young man in his mid-twenties--it must be killing him! But his cheating is because of a choice HE MADE to be the kind of person who would act in that way (he could have just as easily chosen to be the kind of person who values what you do contribute, and love you sense of humor, and enjoy your company). 

So don't put this burden on your shoulders. It is about HIM and HIS CHARACTER, not about you and your illness. Okay?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Miche4, I had a look at your other thread and I am so pleased to hear that your doc says the medication is working and you will get back to normal. 

Your H is nothing short of cruel. He has shown his true colours and has even said he wants to divorce anyway. Let him go.

I think support is very important right now. You have had a very tough couple of years and so I think you must consider moving back to your family. You don't have to stay there forever and if you see his friends just smile, say 'hi' and keep on walking. Sure they may gossip for a couple of days but believe me gossip gets stale very fast and very soon they will be gossiping about something else. 

If your family object to divorce, tell them what happened. I know that may be hard if they are so against divorce but do you really think they would want you to stay with such a monster? Show them the stuff you printed out. Tell them about him asking all your friends for sex and making fun of your illness? It's horrible!

I'm very sorry that your H didn't stand by you. I'm pretty sure I know what you would have done if it was he who got sick. 

Look after yourself - the main thing is that you get better.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Miche, 

I know you've said that your parents are against divorce but what about infidelity? Surely they can accept that you've been cheated on and abandoned by your H, this is not your fault. 

I would really advise you to go be with them so that you don't have to go this alone. Their love for you should trump any negative feelings that they hold about divorce and this is a time when you may need support from them. That's what family's for. I'm glad that your neighbour is a good friend to you but it may not be enough. Still, good on her for encouraging you to investigate.

ILYBINILWY: _"I love you but I'm not in love with you."_ Is almost always cheat-speak. It is in the cheater's script. So her instincts for you to investigate were spot-on.

DO NOT feel bad for snooping on him. Most, if not all unremorseful waywards try to blame you for invading their privacy. (Yet have no problem with lying for months and years, reaping the benefits of marriage, leading you on and cheating). That's telling of priorities, huh? Cheating is an invasion on the marriage so he can go and shove his "privacy".

One of my first posts here was, "I Snooped He Cheated and He's Angry at Me?!" So your "husband's" anger at you for invading his privacy is common. It's just a way to deflect his own guilt. The more fault he makes you feel, the less he has to look at himself and own what he's done.

The content of his posts to other women - making fun of you for being ill is disgusting and really telling, in addition to what you told us in your other thread of low moral character. As is 



> He then asked if we wanted to go out to dinner. The rest of the night has continued like this- basically saying anything mean that he can to make me cry and then standing there and watching me cry, denying everything or making ludicrous excuses, or suddenly being nice and friendly.


It seems he was enjoying your pain over this, that's pretty sadistic. It was giving him ego kibbles to see you hurting over him I'm sure he felt quite studly about it all.

The man who lied to you for three years, cheated on you, made you feel like your marital problems were all your fault and showed zero compassion for your illness, said mean things to make you cry and then casually asked if you want to go out for a bite to eat... and on top of it, thinks you two should remain friends??? THAT IS WHO HE IS. Not the man he pretended to be that made you ever think he was a good guy. Sadly that guy is dead and gone or never was you will grieve for him as if a death has occurred.

ETA: This is the Newbie thread I advised you to seek out on here if you haven't already.

I know you're throwing up, I know from experience it's easier said than done but please do try to eat something - half a sandwich, a yogurt, something small and drink lots of water. Everything you feel is normal and valid - you are not going crazy but you will feel like it at times. This is such a shock to the person and it will be a roller coaster ride. Just keep posting if you can, try to rest and EAT something. Reach out to family. Don't go it alone.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Miche, I just read through your other posts. Your husband is a vile human being. The silver lining is you realized this while you are still young. You will have men with a thousand times more character lining up to date you in no time. Get support from your family immediately. Nobody would expect you to stay with such an evil person. Most of all: focus on your health and get better. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How come your husband doesn't know about masturbation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> How come your husband doesn't know about masturbation?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's just an a--h0le using his wife's illness as an excuse to sleep around. I'm sure he was abusive to her in many ways even before she got sick.

Of all the terrible people we've read about on here over the years, this guy takes first prize.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He's just an a--h0le using his wife's illness as an excuse to sleep around. I'm sure he was abusive to her in many ways even before she got sick.
> 
> Of all the terrible people we've read about on here over the years, this guy takes first prize.


Yeah, I know. He's a real nasty piece of work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Remember, he did what he did because he wanted it. It was his choice. He had lots of choices, but he chose the road filled with lies and deceit.
So he to avoid dealing with the fact that he is unfaithful and cruel he tries to shift the blame to you. How dare you? Is he for real?
He was hiding who he was from the person he swore to love, protect and honor. He lies. Now he's mad you discovered.
He is cruel and selfish and you deserve so much more than he can give.
Go move in with your family and meet new people. It is scary but there are people out there that are not mean and cruel. And there is someone out there who will love you for exactly the person you are.


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## loveforfamily (Mar 13, 2014)

He is abusive. No matter how much you love him, he is still abusive. You deserve to love you. Get out. You will find it easier to heal and get better without that pos around.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi everyone. Thank you for your support. I'm feeling rather defeated right now.

I feel like I am in some crazy dream- my friendly, kind husband is a completely different person. He doesn't understand why I am upset since we have fought in the past over this (the sex) and he had told me he may divorce me for it. Still denies the cheating. I have told some of our mutual friends and he was furious (he wanted us to live as roommates, get divorced, and then tell everyone several months later- I am becoming aware that I need to leave and am trying to get people to help me pack). He went over to some of these people and explained that he did not cheat, he wanted us to be friends, and that he was a good person. It was all very awkward. Now because he realizes I am leaving he has started acting like a completely different person and will say something horrible but then take a 'please' or something at the end and then try and turn it around like I am not recognizing that he is trying to be nice through all of this.

As for the parents... they wanted us to work it out. Explained that there was no way this could happen. My mom blamed me for all of it and asked what I could have done better, that he was a wonderful man and I should try more (no I did not tell them about my sex issue- they know I'm sick and I feel that if I did bring it up it would just cause them to blame me more). They agreed to help me move back to them and let me live with them but there would be no emotional or financial support. I am not surprised (theyre religious but not in the nice way) and while I don't think it will be a happy situation I did agree as it at least gives me a roof over my head.

I have started looking into lawyers but I don't have a lot of money so I am waiting to see what any initial consultations state (we don't have a lot but it is all joint)

I have been reading through the site (I read the newbie thread and it had some good advice. Thank you Miss Taken) and will continue to post as time goes on. It is so nice that you all took the time to give advice and be supportive.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Can you explain your parent's religious convictions? It would help me understand.

Frankly, I would not be too concerned about the emotional and financial support from your family. I don't mean to dismiss it. But getting away from this man is your first priority.

Stay on your meds.

Don't file for D right now. You want to keep your health insurance and as long as you are married and he has insurance you will as well.

Give yourself some time to establish yourself and please stay on your meds.

Buy a VAR and keep it on you at all times. Record him.

Lawyer up.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Ok parents religious convictions- very old school. Men make ALL decisions. Women do not argue. Men's anger at women is always justified. Marriage is God's will so you put up with whatever your husband does and if you are unhappy this is your fault and your relationship with God is lacking. Women are expected to cook, clean (basically all household chores) and get a job (but not a better job than the husband). Women must see to their husband's needs before their own. It will be hideous living with this again

I need to leave. He keeps texting me all this mean stuff while I'm working.

I have no intention of coming off of my meds. What I can do is fill up my prescription for the next 120 days so that way when I do lose healthcare I can at least have the meds (I am sorry but at this point I think filing for the D sooner rather than later is going to be best. I'm basically walking on eggshells whenever I go home or my phone rings)

The emotional/ financial support is not the most important thing but it would be nice to have. I really don't know a lot of people (few friends as I'm incredibly shy and even fewer where my parents live) so I will be dealing with a lot of the emotional stuff on my own  that makes me more upset since he has always made sure he has a large friend and family network. That is my own fault though

I will look into getting a VAR but he will not let me into his car 

Ok so the pain- oh my goodness this is the worst pain I have ever felt. Like I am dying from the inside out.


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

miche4, I am sorry you are going through this. I won't post my story but I know how you are feeling. It is very, very painful. Please look into finding a support group for separated/divorce groups. I did that when my husband and I separated many years ago and it was enormously helpful. Not only because of the support you will receive from others going through similar circumstances but also because they had occasional speakers come and talk about the practical matters one faces in divorce. It was also a great resource for finding all the community outreach programs available to me. My group met at a local church but was non-denominational. We would go out socially as a group as well, which was great because I felt so isolated and alone. Good luck to you. ((((((((HUGS)))))))


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Try to find different local community groups for support for people going through divorce. You will find people in similar situations, and it may be a great way to make a few friends too. Check online, like Craigslist for meetings. Some may be at various churches, but all religions would be welcome.

Depending on where you work, if it's a larger organization, resources may be available to you as well. Check the company website.

If you are on hubby's health insurance, even if you divorce part of the agreement would be your continued coverage on his plan.

Hang in there Miche.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I will look into divorce support groups once I move. They seem to be very popular among people in this situation. I am just concerned due to my age/ lack of children that I will not fit in

I feel like I am in some bizarre dream. My husband either avoids me completely or cannot leave me alone, will not stop trying to convince me and several people we know that he did not cheat and we can be friends ( he even had the audacity to tell someone that we both know that once he " gets over all this" he will look me up in 10 years to remarry me-absolutely crazy), however he just went out to the bar with several of the people who were involved in/ or were aware of the affair. But just this afternoon he asked if he could talk about his day at work and wanted my advice on how to deal with a matter. wtf?! I told him that I did not want to hear it as he no longer wanted to have a wife. His response was that I brought this upon myself....I asked him to leave and now he's with those people!

I feel like he is acting like a crazy person just to F with me...

I ended up having to tell a coworker and a supervisor what is going on as while I'm trying to shut my emotions down as much as possible just to get this business done I ended up very depressed at work. They were both very understanding and sympathetic. They have offered to help me do any necessary packing and cover for me on any days I need off until I leave.

I have spoken with a lawyer that was recommended with me and I meet with her soon


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: Husband cheated due to illness*



miche4 said:


> I feel like I am in some bizarre dream. My husband either avoids me completely or cannot leave me alone, will not stop trying to convince me and several people we know that he did not cheat and we can be friends ( he even had the audacity to tell someone that we both know that once he " gets over all this" he will look me up in 10 years to remarry me-absolutely crazy), however he just went out to the bar with several of the people who were involved in/ or were aware of the affair. But just this afternoon he asked if he could talk about his day at work and wanted my advice on how to deal with a matter. wtf?! I told him that I did not want to hear it as he no longer wanted to have a wife. His response was that I brought this upon myself....I asked him to leave and now he's with those people!
> 
> I feel like he is acting like a crazy person just to F with me...


He is. 

He is clearly unstable and worried about losing control - over you, over his support network, which will come crashing down around him unless he exerts damage control on them and keeps you in an endless rollercoaster of mind-f'ery. He is two-faced and gaslighting you. He's embarrassed his little game of making fun of you behind your back was discovered. It shines a spotlight on what a scumbag he is. Store your evidence in multiple, safe places outside of your home. 

Maintain focus and stay in a survival mode. You need to get out. Do whatever you can to make that happen and don't spend an iota of energy on anything else. Seems like you're working hard toward that end already. Keep it up! 

Your parents won't be able to give you the support you need, I'm sorry. You can try to appeal to them, but based on what you've written, I think they may end up being a hindrance to you moving on. I'd keep them in the dark and seek out others who are empathetic and willing to help you. 

Definitely join a support group. Like, yesterday. And I'd recommend doing more outside of the home in your free time, away from him. The library, work, coffee houses. Stay away from his toxic presence while you make your arrangements. Cut off his supply of YOU.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> If you are on hubby's health insurance, even if you divorce part of the agreement would be your continued coverage on his plan.
> 
> Hang in there Miche.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Miche, the above idea sounds good. Above all you must keep your health insurance. You mentioned your work. Will the type of work you do be enough for you to survive on and include health insurance? 

If so, you don't have to move back to your parents. Perhaps, try and go it on your own where you are and your parents' place can be your plan B. They won't see you on the street but goodness, their attitude sounds very 1950s. Even if you have to go back there, it will be a whole lot better than this.

What age group are you in? You don't have to be specific!

Might I just add that given how your WS is reacting, I think you are awesome in the way you are grabbing this with both hands and planning your exit. That takes a LOT of courage especially with your illness and what he has put you through. 

You may be shy but you're also a little tigress and not as stupid as he seems to think. Hold onto that thought. 

He sounds awful. Could he get physical? I hope not. In any event, even if he is not likely to. please get a VAR as others have suggested. I think you would be best to carry a pen VAR in your handbag at all times. Posters have mentioned that Amazon sells them.

Keep on the path you are on. You are going in the right direction. 

I am humbled by your bravery given all that you are dealing with.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Don’t even worry about your husband getting mad for you telling anyone. An unremorseful wayward is like a c0ckroach that scurries when the lights come on. They hate for the lights to come on and prefer for their misdeeds to be kept in the dark so they can project a good false image to everyone else. If he’s mad that you snooped or mad that you exposed him, tough t!tties for him.

Your husband switching between nice and nasty is not uncommon either. One minute he’ll probably feel the guilt about things and be nice, then the next he’ll get angry and blame you for how sh!tty he is feeling about the sh!tty things he is doing. I think it’s also a part of the crazy-cycle, meant to throw you off balance as well.

I’m sorry to hear about your parents. Their lack of support of you is quite shocking to hear. What a disappointment. Although, it does shed some light on why you were attracted to your husband. They seem to display a lack of empathy towards you as did your husband. I am not sure that living with them is the best for you at this time but if there is nowhere else to go, I suppose you’ll have to make do for now. Still, try to find supportive people who have more progressive views on divorce and adultery. Your parents may be able to house you but they don’t sound like a soft place to fall. 

Take half of the money from your joint bank account pronto and put it into or open a personal account. You are entitled to half of it and lawyers will tell you as such. Since your husband knows you are out the door, he may try to keep all of the money from you. 

Try to avoid talking to your husband unless you have to. Spend as much time as possible in different rooms from him. Let his calls go to voicemail, and ignore the nasty ones. Keep all conversations “business like”. Be civil but brief and stick to household/housekeeping and divorce issues. 

Regarding the VAR, I’m not sure if it’s worth getting at this point (since you already know he is cheating on you and you’re on your way to divorce) but that is your decision. If you do want to get it, wait until he is asleep and then put it in his vehicle, under the seat, way inside and use strong Velcro or duct tape to make sure it’s secure. A TAM member named weightlifter, has solid advice on which one to get, how to use it and other investigative methods. You can do a site search for his exact username to find his posts about it. It is strongly advised though, that you entrust a friend (maybe your neighbour) to listen to it for you as some things cannot be unheard.

I had assumed you were not working? If you are working, while you may not be able to live in this house, is it an option to find a roommate where you are now and either share an apartment or even your current house with them to help you afford the bills? I just think that your parents can impede your healing and to top it off, it sounds like you’ll be more isolated there than you are now. Now is the time to include only the most healthy and supportive people into your circle. Also, since you have an illness, those health benefits are very important. 

I think it may be best NOT to live with your parents. Your parents religious views sound a bit much. God also instructs husbands to “love their wives.” (Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.") and thou shall not commit adultery is one of the ten commandments. I hope they would take that literally as well.

Someone had a great suggestion about joining the site meetups. I agree. I know in my area, there are separation/divorce groups. Though I never attended, I was tempted to as the group looked fun and surely there would be someone in similar circumstances that could understand.

Your husband’s behaviour will be bizarre, right now he’s doing the push-pull cycle. Easier said than done but just ignore it. Hoping to live together until the divorce is finalized, wanting to stay friends, wanting to remarry you in ten years is a sign of pure entitlement.

ETA: thought more about the VAR thing. I think you should do it as your husband is likely to try to slander you if he's not already.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Sorry if my thoughts are scattered

I do have a job but it is not a very good one so if I stayed here with it I would not be in a financially safe situation. The economy is better where my parents are. The parent situation and my lack of knowing people in that area (it has been years since I went back- and unfortunately he has slandered me to his friends out there too) will be difficult but I think staying or going is a lose-lose situation honestly and having a roof over my head is necessary.

I am in my 20s

Money has been moved and he was actually incredibly civil about it. Signed all papers I needed to get him off my account without any fuss.

As for the lawyer issues: She thinks at this point a VAR will be more trouble than it is worth. He has obviously cheated but in our case it honestly doesn't matter since we have so little money and have so few assets (we rent our house). The place that he works for makes it very difficult for divorced spouses to continue health insurance through them so as an alternative he will pay me x amount per month for the next few months to cover any health insurance costs (I am applying for state insurance). My lawyer is also planning to add a no slander cause but since we will not be living near each other and have no children she admits that it will be difficult to enforce. From what I understand the split will be relatively fast as we have no kids, money or assets. The thing that is killing me is that I had put away some extra money for a vacation without telling him so I am able to pay for a lawyer but he has been spending money and gambling so he still cannot afford one. 

I am definitely in survival mode just trying to keep my head above water. It still hurts knowing he did this and that soon I will never see him again. It is a crazy thought since we have been together most of our adult lives.

He continues to act like a crazy person. Pushing me away, pulling me back. If I ignore him he tells me what an awful person I am. He tried to have one last "moment of intimacy" with me and I obviously turned him down. He then proceeded to tell me all the reasons he hates me. I feel like I am in some weird catch-22: I cannot wait to get away from this situation but I know as soon as I leave I will miss him because we will not talk again


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

miche4 said:


> As for the parents... they wanted us to work it out. Explained that there was no way this could happen. My mom blamed me for all of it and asked what I could have done better, that he was a wonderful man and I should try more (no I did not tell them about my sex issue- they know I'm sick and I feel that if I did bring it up it would just cause them to blame me more). They agreed to help me move back to them and let me live with them but there would be no emotional or financial support. I am not surprised (theyre religious but not in the nice way) and while I don't think it will be a happy situation I did agree as it at least gives me a roof over my head.


Oh Miche...I'm so sorry, I really don't understand your parents attitude...this is why I can't stand religion.

I really don't think it's a good idea for you to move in with them...you'll have no escape and you need support right now.

I'd rather rent a tiny dump of a flat than live with people with those attitudes. I know you may struggle financially but it won't be forever, whereas the damage that may be done to you emotionally while you stay with your parents will last forever.

Your husband cheated because it's who he is. You are NOT responsible for his CHOICE to cheat.

You have a painful medical condition that makes you unable to have PIV sex, yet you made sure you offered your husband alternatives so that he didn't go without. Most men wouldn't be so lucky.

Put yourself first sweetie. Be your own best friend right now.

Big hugs xo


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Parents house is by no means ideal, but she needs to get away from husband ASAP. Once you are situated, make getting your own place a priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

miche4 said:


> The thing that is killing me is that I had put away some extra money for a vacation without telling him so I am able to pay for a lawyer but he has been spending money and gambling so he still cannot afford one.


Is this killing you because you are worried about him? 

His gambling is his problem. He wants the divorce, let him worry about how he'll pay for it. You have enough on your plate to stop and spend one drop of energy worrying about him. 

While your parents place is far from ideal....get AWAY from this man. You may surprise yourself and find you are somewhat relieved to get away from him. I'd focus on work and saving money and tell your parents very little, as above poster said focus on getting out of there and then finding a place of your own. 

And when you leave, go dark on your H. Since you have no children together, there's absolutely no reason to keep in touch with him, other than signing documents which your lawyer will take care of. Please avoid any contact with him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Here's the thing to remember, he made his decision. He threatened divorce, cheated and wanted to cake eat.

You have money saved, divorce him and don't look back. It's hard to not worry about a spouse, but all of that gambling could have paid for the divorce he wised for before he was caught.

Don't feel guilty because you were smart.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Stay strong and move on as far from him as possible. He is misery. Don't give him company.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Got a lot of stuff done today and am going to visit my neighbors so I can get this off my mind for a bit.

The vacation money statement was meant as it is killing me because I saved up this money so we could have a good vacation and then he cheats not that I worry about his lack of money (although that is a concern because he could draw out the divorce that way)

Unfortunately it s really looking like I will need to move in with the family :/ I just cannot afford not to at this time

I've been having a major pity party all day. I can deal with the parents (although not ideal) but the fact that I will have no friends, will be avoiding his friends, and will essentially be starting my life completely over.... This terrifies/depresses me. I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of weekends alone. I feel almost (and I know this is completely childish but) like he is "winning". I am having to start completely from scratch (yes I knew people in my parent's area years ago but I did not keep in touch after graduation/marriage) and he gets to keep his good job, all the friends he lied to and his lifestyle.

As I'm sure you have all experienced, his behavior continues to be erratic. I did finally stand up for myself on one thing and it totally was not even worth it. I do think I will be relieved once I am out of this situation but I also think I will be lost as how to start over again. 

I am planning to get some counseling. I really don't know how to handle all of this and it is starting to cause me anxiety and depression


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Counseling is a great idea. 

Are you on Facebook? It's a great way to rekindle/ find old friends. 

Will you be able to keep your job? Not sure how far away your parents live. I might suggest getting a part time job on weekends too (retail/something mindless). 1. Gets you more income. 2. Gets you out of parents house more often. 3. keeps your mind occupied. 4. Can create some friendships with new coworkers.

EDIT: I see you are moving long distance. Throw yourself into work- as many hours/ jobs as you can get to fill up your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm glad that you at least have a neighbour close by that is supportive of you. I hope you can remain in touch after you move. Phone calls to people that had my back even though they lived far away helped me immensely to deal with this.

Your feelings are completely valid and normal. Don't minimize them. It's okay to have a "pity party" in times like this. Nobody knows how immensely devastating infidelity is until it happens to them. It's like "Christopher Reeves Syndrome" he didn't think about quadriplegia until he became one himself. 

Feeling like he is "winning" is normal. He is not winning though. It's true, he has the support of friends and family (even your own family whose priorities are messed up IMO) and you have to move and start anew. However, he is losing because his moral fiber is diminished. He is pond scum. Those friends that support him - they are not good people if they support and enable his cheating. You are not losing real friends if that is the case. 

When my spouse cheated, save my FIL, his family abandoned me totally. I loved them - I believe more than he even does (as the black sheep of the family). Losing them hurt me really bad but when I saw what I was losing (people that would support someone that cheats on and abandons his pregnant spouse and mother of his kids), was I really losing? Are people that would betray me like that worth having around? I don't think so. Save my FIL, I have cut them out of my life. My FIL is the only one that stood up for what was right and supported me. My MIL (the matriarch of the family whose children follow her will) acted really defensively I think she took his cheating on me as a reflection on her so instead of putting the blame where it belongs, deflected it at me.

Change is scary. The best thing to do is to take one day at a time. You will meet new people, you will make new friends, you will start over and be happy again. Luckily, you're in your twenties and you have your full life ahead of you. Don't think so much about the hypothetical future that hasn't happened yet. Also, don't try to do it all at once. Just keep moving forward, day by day.

Before we separated, I didn't think I'd survive being a single mom. I did it whilst pregnant, I did it caring for a new born on my own for almost a year. I also did so living miles away from any family or help to speak of. You don't know what you're capable of *until you have to be *capable. Somehow you will find it in yourself to do what you have to do and you will come out stronger on the other side so don't defeat yourself.

Going to counseling is very important and a wise choice. I went for a year and it helped me a lot. You will need that outlet especially in the beginning after your move with your parents. To feel supported and heard is helpful in itself so go! Feeling anxious is also normal but it's something you'll need to address either through counseling or medication or both. 

It's normal under the circumstances - you will feel hyper-vigilant about any threats - real or perceived because you never expected to be betrayed like this. You never expected that one person you trusted to cut you so deeply and you will experience self-doubt, (if I could be duped by this guy how can I trust any choices I make in doing XYZ). The world feels very scary immediately after a betrayal.

Your depression is also normal. You're going through a traumatic amount of stress. My depression was really bad because of his infidelity, I got on a low dose anti depressant and it helped immensely. 

Stay strong.

Miss T


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Miss Taken said:


> When my spouse cheated, save my FIL, his family abandoned me totally. I loved them - I believe more than he even does (as the black sheep of the family). Losing them hurt me really bad but when I saw what I was losing (people that would support someone that cheats on and abandons his pregnant spouse and mother of his kids), was I really losing? Are people that would betray me like that worth having around? I don't think so. Save my FIL, I have cut them out of my life. My FIL is the only one that stood up for what was right and supported me. My MIL (the matriarch of the family whose children follow her will) acted really defensively I think she took his cheating on me as a reflection on her so instead of putting the blame where it belongs, deflected it at me.
> 
> 
> Miss T


Did we marry into the same family???? 

Actually my FIL was deceased when we separated, but I know he would have been the one person in that family who never would have condoned his son's behavior. I had to cut them out completely too. Though in the end I think it bit MIL in the butt...I was the only family member who took time out for her for appointments or any other needs, basically never said no to her. I knew my ex would never look out for her the way I did, or her other sons...but after some words she told me "for my own good" (basically that his cheating was my fault and not a reflection of his character) I said adios, good luck with your son.

Take it one day at a time, OP. Get in touch with old friends, join support groups, new job, even volunteering. It will, over time, get better. Many of us have survived and come out better, you will too!


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi guys...

I am almost done getting all of my stuff together, I have resigned from my job, and have filed all the d paperwork. It's like a combination of relief/terror.

MissTaken- I have no idea how you did this while pregnant- major kudos.

I noticed that people mentioned the in-laws. Maybe I am naïve but he told them some crazy bs story so I just said I would prefer not to have them contact me again

I have also noticed that I am incredibly embarrassed/ ashamed to be divorcing while in my 20s. I have no idea how to explain this to people. Or in the way (far far away) future how to explain that to a future romantic interest (um yes my exh divorced me because we couldn't have sex...*guy runs away screaming*)

He is now mad at me because I have been feeling very angry at him for this situation and in a moment of anger I told him I hated him (he had asked me to do him some ridiculous favor). He slammed around the house and finally ended up leaving. He is rarely coming home at this point and when he does he either avoids me at all costs or just sits there and says mean things to me until one of us leaves.

I understand what you mean by saying that he is not "winning" in the sense that he lacks moral fiber. I still hope that there is some sort of karmic retribution.

Everyone that has survived and come out on the other side in a better situation than before- definitely what I hope for

I do feel like my recovery time will probably be delayed due to the living with my family, ,having to find employment (which can take awhile sometimes :/), and not knowing anyone. I really hope that I am able to move past these issues within the next 6-12 months


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It's gonna take time, you will get there. Be resolved, have patience, vent on here when you need to. Occupy as much as your time as you can.

As far as telling people you are in your 20s and divorced? Don't. It's none of their business. As you become friendly feel free to share. Same with a romantic interest. You aren't divorcing because your husband couldn't have sex with you, you are divorcing because he was abusive. "Yes I am divorced, I picked a real winner and moved on lol". As you further progress in a relationship, share more. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Work on you right now - keep getting healthy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Change can be challenging but it's how we find out what we are really made of when we have to step up. You will be just fine. It might take a little while but you will have a much better life without him.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Honey, I divorced in my 20's. I was 28 when we separated with a 4 month old. Nothing to be ashamed of, sadly it's more common than you think.

Be happy you are getting out of this NOW, vs 10 years of abuse and dragging some kids out of the mess too....makes it that much more complicated and harder. Plus then you have to deal with having to maintain contact with this POS. As PhillyGuy said, you are divorced because you married an abusive man, not because you couldn't have sex.

Don't worry about having to explain yourself, and don't be self conscious about your age when taking part in these support groups. Many will likely envy you that you got out before becoming even that much more emotionally invested. Your youth is a blessing, not an embarrassment!


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

miche4 said:


> I still hope that there is some sort of karmic retribution.



I don't believe in karma but I know that a loser is a loser. Just give him some time and he'll always find a way to screw himself up.

You'll be fine.... GOOD LUCK!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Miche, I divorced after I turned 30 (my birthday was the most depressing event thus far in my life), but my relationship started going south at 28. I lost literally everything I had built up over 8 years of living in a foreign country. I had given up my friends and loved ones twice - once when I left my native home to get married, another when leaving my "new" home to get separated /divorced. I felt as you do - like the loser all around. My family was thankfully still there for me and helped me to get back on my feet. 

Let me say that I had to fall a bit to pick myself up, but that I am a million times stronger for it. I had to cut all the tethers and start afresh. It's like being a Phoenix rising from the ashes, and it can be done. 

You'll assume others are judging you based on what happened. I did this for a while, then learned that it only matters what I think, and that anyone who would judge me without trying to first understand me wasn't worth my time.

I also vowed that I would never allow resentment into my heart because of what happened, but instead I would only fill my life with people who inspired/enriched me or that I was proud of or grateful to know. It has honestly made all the difference. I wish nothing less for you during your own journey.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Before we separated, I didn't think I'd survive being a single mom. I did it whilst pregnant, I did it caring for a new born on my own for almost a year. I also did so living miles away from any family or help to speak of. You don't know what you're capable of *until you have to be *capable. Somehow you will find it in yourself to do what you have to do and you will come out stronger on the other side so don't defeat yourself.


OP, sorry a slight threadjack but do listen to Miss T.

What I wanted to say was, MissT - you are one awesome lady.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Miche, I think you are an incredibly brave young woman. For some reason I thought you were older - probably because you have already been though a lot in your young life between your illness and your WS. 

I'm SO glad you are so young. It is all ahead of you out there - a bright future. But it sure doesn't seem like that right now does it? The reason is that we humans HATE change. It's scary. We like 'normal' and we want to stay in 'normalsville'. 

But the thing is that your 'normalsville' is like being in a jail with a bully. He is an appalling piece of work, making fun of your illness, having a PA with a friend of a friend of yours and propositioning your friends. It just occurred to me that many WS are bullies, they have an EA/PA and then get angry, defensive and hostile when confronted. Mine did. Sheesh. 

You said you know you will miss him once you are alone. It's NOT him you will miss. You will miss that there was someone there and you will miss your 'normal'. 

So what to do? I want you to print out the below and keep it in your handbag or beside your bed. Each time you find yourself 'missing him', take it out and read it carefully. Here it is:


> I got into his computer and found tons of messages that confirmed he had been sleeping with a friend of a friend, messages telling people how much he hates me and how lazy I am, messages propositioning female friends (who I truly thought were just friends of his) for sex, messages making fun of me and my illness. It was absolutely awful.
> 
> When he came home I confronted him about the messages (yes I made copies) and he denied and denied. He was so angry that I had snooped (which I never do) but tried to have an innocent explanation for everything. He felt that it was ok to proposition women for sex because he knew he wanted a divorce at that time. He then asked if we wanted to go out to dinner. The rest of the night has continued like this- basically saying anything mean that he can to make me cry and then standing there and watching me cry, denying everything or making ludicrous excuses, or suddenly being nice and friendly.


Definitely do some IC if you can afford it. If you can't you may find some free IC at a local church or community centre or a telephone helpline for abused spouses because you are an abused spouse. 

You will have to tolerate you parents for a while. As someone says, keep out of the house as much as possible and when you are there stay in your room as much as possible. Buy a small TV you can watch there and even get a coffee maker so you can make yourself a coffee. If they complain about it tell them you are ultra depressed. 

Join some clubs, any clubs, knitting, ballroom dancing, reading etc and/or some support group. Support groups are fantastic - I went to one years ago and I still have friends from it. You get to chat to people who have been through the same crap. It is very reassuring. By all means get weekend work as well as your day job if you can. 

The main point I am trying to make is that being busy and therefore distracted is such a good thing to do. 

Excercise is great for endorphin release to help with depression. If you don't run, walk. If there isn't a very safe place to walk buy a compact exercise bike and keep it in your room. I got one on eBay very cheaply and it's just great. Rain, hail or shine I can jump on, plug in my earphones or watch something on TV and do 30-60 mins. You will feel and look great!

How is your health holding up? Have you seen your doctor to tell him/her what's happened? Don't forget to get your doc to send ALL your medical records to the new doc where you are moving to. 

You are doing a helluva job with all this Miche. Don't be lonely - just post on here. There's always someone reading. 

ETA, don't worry about telling a future bf about why you divorced. You don't HAVE to tell them he divorced you because you couldn't have sex because you were ill and you really mustn't say that at the start. 

Your H didn't divorce you because you weren't having sex. From what you said you entertained him plenty in that dept in other ways. 

He divorced you because he is a selfish bully who didn't love his wife enough to look after her when she became ill. You would have looked after him if he was ill! 

When you meet someone and it is looking serious, of course at that point you can reveal more about it. But absolutely no need to go into too soon so stop worrying about that at least!


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi guys...

I am trying to see this is the positive 'you are in your 20s and have so much left' light and am struggling. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice. **********- It is kind of you to think I am brave. I don't really feel I am. I feel like someone who started in a bad situation, got into another, and is now going back to the original- not a lot of progress.

I am still throwing up constantly :/ and have been waking up with mini anxiety attacks. I'm against taking anti anxiety medicine but haven't yet figured how to make them go away (mainly anxiety about dealing with my family, lack of friends, lack of job, lack of money)

I am also dealing with a lot of resentment issues (Satya how did you avoid all this resentment? I feel like I can't get rid of it yet my family and stbx keep doing things to cause all of this resentment): my ex getting to do all this to me and keeping his friends and family and his good job, my mom and sister treating me the way they are (my sister said to me that I must have done something to cause him to treat me this way and I need to take responsibility of causing my divorce- not excited to see her. I ended up telling my dad some of the things my mom has said to me, he confronted her, and she accused me of trying to ruin her marriage so she could be miserable like me) and getting to keep all their friends and happy lives, etc

I did tell one trusted family member about my mom and sister and she finds their actions wrong but agrees that there is no way to out them to that part of the family without looking vengeful. I am supposed to see my extended family in the next few weeks and am trying to get out of the situation of possible (I posted in the going through separation or divorce forum that I am dealing with massive amounts of shame regarding the situation, especially with the lack of immediate family support, so I am extremely nervous to see other family members)

I am seeing a counselor for low-income/unemployed and while I think she is nice... I don't feel we have gotten anywhere. She feels that while he 'acted badly' I need to accept it and move on. And that I need to focus on the positives of having somewhere to sleep, having a car, basic necessities, etc and just deal with the job, family and friends issue until they resolve themselves. We are doing an in depth family background session next week so maybe that will help?

I am walking 30 mins a day, 5 to 6 days a week. I enjoy this time as it gives me the opportunity to be somewhat mindless. I have also gotten refills on my meds from my doctors. 

That odd question earlier about telling a future potential other- I really don't know where that came from... probably a panic moment. I agree I do not need to say anything until very deep into a serious relationship. Since I don't plan to have that happen anytime soon I will tuck away that advice for the far future.

I consider myself an educated person (I have an undergraduate degree) but I do not understand how I got involved with an abusive person (is this really considered abuse? I can't even see it that way. To me it is just him being an awful person). I have no idea. He has always been the happy guy who treats people well and has a ton of supportive friends and family. Looking back I can definitely see the issues he caused (I caused some too) during our marriage. I just have no idea how he flipped from being so good pre marriage (I really don't see red flags looking back) and then to have things end like this.

Sorry for the downer of the post. Some day are worse than others and today is especially difficult. I am hoping that things will get better but I know they will have to get worse to do so

Wanted to add- This kills me because yesterday I was fine. I had a good day reading, going out to exercise, and playing with my dog. I signed up to get on mailing lists for two clubs and applied for jobs.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

There will be good days and bad days- take them one day at a time. 

Maybe he wasn't physically abusive but it sounds like he was definitely verbally and emotionally abusive.

It really pains me that your family is not being supportive of your situation. Is it a religious thing? I can maybeeee understand your mom being less than supportive- it's a different generation but even her I assume she's not 80 years old. But your sister saying it must have been your fault is totally out of line.

Remember-- this is going to be TEMPORARY. Just smile and nod, and get your own place ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Hi Miche. I've been following along but not posting much; others have said everything I could and much more. 

I am also in my 20s, also in a sexless marriage, but it is my husband who has the health issue, not me. Infidelity has also occurred in my marriage - but it was my husband who cheated just before this health issue got so very very bad. So, as a result of all that, I feel I can relate to you strongly, and my heart really just breaks for you.

Educated, intelligent, discerning people get into abusive relationships all the time. Often, what we seek in a partner is what is imprinted based on our early family life. I bet if you inspect your family of origin carefully, you will make some insightful connections between their behavior and attitudes and those your soon-to-be-ex exhibits. It seems to me that your mother may be abusive -- you are moving back home following a traumatic break-up and during a divorce, your husband cheated on you, and her reaction is first that you must be to blame and then, when you confided in your dad, that you were trying to ruin her marriage? WTF? She sounds neglectful, self-centered, narcissistic, jealous, which, in this context, illustrates that she is probably incapable of true emotional intimacy in her marriage... hm. That sounds an awful lot like your STBX, doesn't it? Your choosing a poor partner has nothing to do with your intelligence and everything to do with unresolved childhood trauma, coupled with the natural human tendency to seek experiences that feel normal, even if our 'normal' is painful. 

I strongly agree with the advice to stay busy. Now is the time to take advantage of your free time and obtain extra jobs or start freelancing! Additionally, you sound very well-read and intelligent, and I wonder whether you've considered going back to school (if useful in your field, or if you are looking to move into a different field) for a post-bacc or graduate certificate or Masters program? Work will keep you physically occupied; joining support groups (also check out MeetUp, btw!) will help you feel less lonely; preparing to go back to school or continuing your education will keep you intellectually stimulated and help exhaust your mental energy. Even if you don't want to pursue post-grad studies, look into local community colleges that offer continuing ed classes in cooking, foreign languages, etc. Those classes can also be a great way to meet people!

Hang in there. This is one of the tough days. Know that there are better days ahead.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Just read your story and I really feel bad for you.You are doing the right thing by dumping him.His reason for the affair is just plain BS.I'm married 33 yrs and my wife has always had a ton of medical problems.Surgeries,sickness and middle of the night trips to ER and it never crossed my mind to have an affair.heck if I did have an affair when she was sick or in the hospital I would probably have fell over from an heart attack.It also sounds like you've been through a lot of mental abuse as well as your illness.Keep doing what you are doing and dump him.If he comes back in 10yrs he can see you happily married with children and then will know what he threw away.Good luck to you and forget about him.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

miche4 said:


> Hi guys...
> 
> I am almost done getting all of my stuff together, I have resigned from my job, and have filed all the d paperwork. It's like a combination of relief/terror.
> 
> ...


I won' t be surprised if your health improves dramatically after your divorce.

I had some health problems and was at hospital at least once per year. After i divorced, my health problems magically dissapeared :lol: 

Good luck with finding a new job and wish you fast and full recovery...


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Miche,

It sounds like you have your head on straight despite the toxicity you've been getting from your mom and sister. I come from a wackadoo family too lol and have detached from immediate family almost completely but adore relationships with many of my extended relatives instead.

The massive amounts of shame is probably due to your parents intolerance for separation and divorce. I mean no disrespect to them as individuals but they're being idiots IMO. Further, their lack of emotional support for you as their daughter/sister is what's shameful - not you divorcing your cold and cheating husband. Setting limits on intolerable behaviour and sticking to them isn't shameful, it's laudable. 

I think counseling is great but if you don't feel like she's helping, if possible go somewhere else or get a new one at that same organization. In the interim it might be good to keep talking to her though until you find someone who is more qualified - just having someone to talk to can help even if they don't have a lot to offer in the advice department.

Personally, I found my counselor was just a shoulder to lean on but she didn't have much profound things to say. TAM and other articles were more helpful in my experience. Still, it was helpful to have a person to talk to face-to-face because I was pretty isolated in the beginning of our separation - just having had the new baby and all. Hopefully when you move you can find someone better than your current counselor. 

It's hard to say if your husband is abusive. He sounds narcissistic in my opinion but I'm not qualified to say and that's a term that gets thrown around too freely IMO. But one thing that narcissists are famous for is destroying and discarding their spouses. One day you're their everything and out of nowhere, you're a piece of trash and they blind-sight you by throwing you away. So to discard you as he was planning on doing, the manipulation over your sexual problems (threatening to cheat or leave) and the lack of empathy on his part is definitely something that raised my narc-hackles quite a bit. A good guy wouldn't do those things.

Not knowing you personally or your history; I don't want to insinuate anything about you but I think it's possible that there are red flags in your history with your husband that you can't see and it's possibly related to your upbringing why you didn't/can't see it. Again - I don't know, I'm just guessing but I just know that as a mother, I couldn't imagine treating or talking to my daughter the way your mother has done to you right now. She also seems to be making your separation all about her which is pretty self-centered and seems like she lacks empathy.

I don't know if they'll apply to you but two books I've read in the past are:

Nasty Men, Jay Carter (He also has books on "Nasty People", and "Nasty Women"). 
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft

Don't knock yourself for the bad days. It is a roller-coaster ride that you didn't ask to be on. You'll have your ups and downs. I know you're against anxiety meds but they might be worth getting. Experiencing infidelity can create PTSD-like symptoms in those that have been betrayed. They actually call it Post Infidelity Stress Disorder and it's quite real. You are going through hell right now and there is no shame in taking medication. I myself took a low-dose anti-depressant six months after my DDay when I was not coping well and it helped me immensely.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Dont worry about what other people think. I know its hard but you have to take care of yourself. In your case, this kind of bs is especially damaging because it does affect your health. It affected mine, and I don't have any kind of diagnosis. 

Elevated stress is a killer. It wreaks havoc on the body. You need a peaceful and restorative place to be. A place to reflect on your situation. Far from anyone else's opinion, while you may not get that at your family's house, its OK.

Let your family have their opinions. Listen and thank them for their kind advice and concern (you dont have to take it) and tell them you will think about what they said. Then go to bed. Close the door. Be at peace. Dream. Heal.

Also, dont worry about running into his friends. If you do? Hold your head up high and be gracious. People can say whatever they want. You can only walk with steadfast steps. Don't hide, evade or feel LESS THAN.....

Walk up in front and down in back...you have nothing to be ashamed of. You can do this. 

PEACE


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: Husband cheated due to illness*



miche4 said:


> I am also dealing with a lot of resentment issues (Satya how did you avoid all this resentment? I feel like I can't get rid of it yet my family and stbx keep doing things to cause all of this resentment): my ex getting to do all this to me and keeping his friends and family and his good job, my mom and sister treating me the way they are (my sister said to me that I must have done something to cause him to treat me this way and I need to take responsibility of causing my divorce- not excited to see her. I ended up telling my dad some of the things my mom has said to me, he confronted her, and she accused me of trying to ruin her marriage so she could be miserable like me) and getting to keep all their friends and happy lives, etc.


Hi Miche, sorry I only just saw your reply. Sounds like you are trying your best to keep active and sane. I know it's hard. 

I mostly avoided building resentment by reading something someone posted to TAM just after I joined. I'm not sure who it was, but it was a response to another poster's divorce stresses, and the member responded that for every ounce of energy you pour into a remorseless spouse or people who only make you feel worthless, you are wasting that energy which could be spent on yourself or your future partner. That has really stuck with me and helped to redefine the way I now live. I used to be quite an aggressive ball of fire, always people-pleasing. Now, I simply don't care what others who will hinder me, think about me. I do not feel anxiety about being judged or making mistakes that others might ridicule me over. I let people be who they are, and continue being me. I realize that not all people in my life are meant to be a permanent fixture. Some are transitory, and when the time comes I thank them for the lessons they taught me and then I let them go. 


There was so much anger I felt for the unfairness of my situation. Bordering on true hate, and I'd never hated anyone in my life. I ritualistically burnt photos and keepsakes in a bonfire, wrote messages on paper tied to balloons, I did various symbolic things to let go, then wiped my slate clean, blew up my life (seriously, I made a paper mache likeness of me, had a few friends help me rig it to explode safely in a drum... Did we ever laugh), and moved back "home."

It took me two years to process it all. Time is a really good healer, but it is the environment that makes the most impact. You need to feel safe in order to heal (that includes people you are with), that's why putting energy into your wellbeing is what we always recommend here. 

People who are quick to judge and blame you without knowing what you go through are almost always projecting their own insecurities, I've found. Real empathy in a person is a gift and sets apart those who would judge you from those who would understand you.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

*feeling a bit frustrated as I had about a 12inch post and it disappeared so I'll just start over*


Today started off ok. No anxiety attack. Happy morning with my dog followed by a counseling session and errands. Got home and went on a walk with my dog and, since the rest of the family was here, I holed up in my room. Of course when I came out I was told that they had added more rules to the list of ones I must follow while I am here (please please pray, send good vibes, whatever that I am able to find a job- I have only been here a few days and it isn't going well. Living with my ex was a cakewalk)

Phillyguy- My mom is late 50s and is just very very religious. My sister had absolutely no right to say what she did (theyre unfortunately not the nice, normal family that one hopes to have- although they put on a [email protected] good show in public. I accepted that when I was younger but in my current situation it is causing me grief). Thank you for the reminder that this is temporary- I just have to get through this

dignityhonorpride- I am so sorry that you are in a similar situation. I read through your posts and am happy that you guys are working on things. I hope for the best with you.
You are probably right that my stbx and family have some parallels. 
I did go see this counselor again and will probably continue to see her until something better pops up. We discussed family background today and she believes that there is a correlation from what I've told her. 

I do plan on going back to school for a masters program within the next two years. Right now a lot is banking on my getting a job/ steady source of income so that I can leave and start pursuing this new life 

101Abn- I am sorry to hear about your wife's medical issues. I definitely respect that you have been faithful and loving during it

Aerith- thank you!

MissTaken- (I just wanted to say it is awesome that you have followed me from my first post- I really appreciate it). I read one of the books so far 'why does he do that?' and sadly found a lot of parallels in the sensitive/ passive aggressive scenarios (also found a ton of parallels from my childhood in some of the less kind scenarios so there's where some of the correlation plays in- not the happiest walk down memory lane). I will read the other book in the next few days. 

I did discuss the parallels today with my counselor and she made a note that we need to go deeper into this. I also looked more into the narcissist possibility since I agree that that particular term gets thrown around a bit. I found an article that pretty much was my marriage in a nutshell and almost started crying 
Ten Signs You Are With a Narcissist - eHarmony Advice

While I know that eharmony is not a scholarly source it is pretty bad when a major dating website has a list of things to avoid and he checks every box. I showed my counselor this article and she asked me how it made me feel. While it is depressing it also makes me feel relieved because for a long time I felt I was the crazy one or the one with a problem. While she is aware that she cannot diagnose him since he obviously was not there nor does she have his side of the story she feels that it is highly likely that he is narcissistic with some bpd thrown in. I was surprised when she said this because years ago we saw a counselor (due to some unrelated issues) and she had felt he was bpd. He never looked into it and since I couldn't force him it was never really brought up again.

I did talk to a doctor to see if I could even go on SSRIs with my current meds. They stated that they were unsure and would rather me wait until I absolutely needed them before taking them ( I am NOT judging anyone who chooses to take antidepressants or anti anxiety meds just several articles I read about them did concern me. I also really do not enjoy having to take medicine, although I must for my current issues, and would like to keep my med count as low as possible)

Lostwifecrushed- I am starting to think this compulsive need to be ok with what other people think comes from some of my family issues. I am trying to not think that way but my mind just doesn't. Yes! Stress is definitely a killer- I wish I enjoyed yoga in times like these

Satya- thank you for getting back to me  I definitely need to print out those words and post them somewhere. I definitely empathize with you on the feelings of anger and hate. Hopefully once I leave my family's home I can work on ridding myself of those emotions.

I still feel a bit odd in that everything seemed to implode in my marriage so quickly. I have no idea where or how he is (and am frustrated that he has gotten out of this as easily as he has) nor have I gotten any answers from him. I have no idea how long his feelings or affair went on. I have no clue for how long my marriage was so one- sided or how many lies he told (also why would anyone do this to someone?? just end the marriage don't fake it while leading a completely hateful other life). How do you resolve those issues? I am really unsure of how to trust people. My parents noticed that I am super uncomfortable now with hugging and I do not want to be in big groups of people


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Ah I am so angry/ frustrated/ hurt! I had to talk to the ex today regarding some legal stuff. And he decides to tell me how unremorseful he is of what he did and happy he is without me. 

Is there a need for them to be that cruel? I had said nothing to instigate this

I don't even know how to process this


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

miche4 said:


> Ah I am so angry/ frustrated/ hurt! I had to talk to the ex today regarding some legal stuff. And he decides to tell me how unremorseful he is of what he did and happy he is without me.
> 
> Is there a need for them to be that cruel? I had said nothing to instigate this
> 
> I don't even know how to process this



Don't worry about any of it. Playing his little, pathetic games is all he can do. It's a clear sing of weakness.... nothing else. 

You married a wrong guy and you're divorcing him now. Just focus on taking constructive steps toward moving on. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer who will help you to take him to cleaners. 

You'll be fine. It may take a while but you will be fine.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

I'm sorry but you husband sounds like a f--king a--hole.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Miche,
My wife of 24 years has a chronic inflammatory condition - we stopped having intercourse 2 years ago at my insistence. And overall her sex drive has mostly disappeared. We had a much easier situation than you did for a few reasons: 

A deep love bank: created by 20+ years of a good/very good marriage including a great sex life. 

My sex drive at 49, was less than half what it was in my mid twenties and that was a big factor. 

I knew my W was making a good faith effort to make the best of the situation. And she knew that I was doing the same. 

I want you to focus on two things:
Getting healthy: 
- Walking every day is terrific. Keep doing that. You can get cheap little hand weights (heavy hands) that make a brisk walk a good cardio workout. 
- Find a good doctor who can help with your most important issues. Once you are healthy, the world will look a lot different. 

Acceptance: Accept that you are now leaving a toxic situation: I believe your H hated the situation, and lost his ability to separate his feelings about the situation from his feelings for you. That said, his desire to have sex, even knowing it hurt you is simply not ok. You deserve a partner who won't do that to you. 

Your family has some real issues. That said, these are the magic words: 
- I did the best I could as his wife
- He divorced me, I couldn't do anything about that 

Followed by: I'm sorry you feel that way (if they persist in blaming). 



miche4 said:


> Hi guys...
> 
> I am trying to see this is the positive 'you are in your 20s and have so much left' light and am struggling. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice. **********- It is kind of you to think I am brave. I don't really feel I am. I feel like someone who started in a bad situation, got into another, and is now going back to the original- not a lot of progress.
> 
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't process it at all, Miche. Ignore it, say, "If you're not here to discuss finances in a civilized manner, you can do it with my lawyer." Then walk away.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I am following everyone's advice to just ignore his @ssh0le comments... just so infuriating and depressing since I did not want this and I am the one having to start over anew

Mem11363- I do agree that if we had been in a different stage in our marriage this could have had a much happier outcome. And it may be true that he eventually could not separate his hate for this situation vs me. I actually have been giving that some thought. While I do not think acting like everything is ok (interspersed with threats to divorce/cheat randomly) is appropriate or acting like everything is ok the day before asking for the divorce is appropriate, I am wondering if the issues just got to be too much for him and he fell out of love and he just played along until he could no longer do so. But I would think that if you loved someone you would want to keep loving them?

But at the same time having affairs, making fun of me etc is hateful and maybe where his hate/payback for the situation came into play? We are both young but I am mature enough to realize it is a difficult thing to struggle through but my goodness I would have been at counseling and with my husband every step of the way. 

My health is doing well but being stressed out from everything is not very good for me and tends to give me occasional issues which I am working on controlling

My family definitely does have issues. I will use those if I am confronted about it again. For now they are choosing to pretend it never happened (my mother had the audacity to tell me I just need to get over it... such love)

But on a positive note I did get a job  It does not pay much and I wont be able to move out until I get something better but it gets me out of the house several hours a day and provides a small income. I had hoped that I would meet some friends from a job but unfortunately I do not think it will happen at this office. There are only 4 other women but they are all at least 10 years older with husbands and kids. They are friendly but do not include me at all.


I am trying to get out of the Debbie downer style posts but I can't seem to climb out of this depression yet (divorce, family issues, no friends in area-lonely) so don't give up on me! I'm trying just so overwhelmed


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mich,
Good for you for getting a job. 

In the spirit of fairness, I will try to splice my 27 year old self back into his shoes. 

I have a very high nurture response when M2 is sick. That response overrides everything else, even my sex drive. When she had a few months of terrible morning sickness I never felt bad for me nor did I initiate. The nights she felt good, she let me know. Otherwise I took care of her. 

I don't think I would have pushed her for sex knowing it was painful. But and this is a very large but: I would have reacted very badly to her having a general lack of desire. And I would not have been ok with doing other stuff only 1-2 times a week. 

That would have created a steadily rising level of tension. 

You two were in a very difficult situation for anyone. 

Hope your still walking daily....




miche4 said:


> I am following everyone's advice to just ignore his @ssh0le comments... just so infuriating and depressing since I did not want this and I am the one having to start over anew
> 
> Mem11363- I do agree that if we had been in a different stage in our marriage this could have had a much happier outcome. And it may be true that he eventually could not separate his hate for this situation vs me. I actually have been giving that some thought. While I do not think acting like everything is ok (interspersed with threats to divorce/cheat randomly) is appropriate or acting like everything is ok the day before asking for the divorce is appropriate, I am wondering if the issues just got to be too much for him and he fell out of love and he just played along until he could no longer do so. But I would think that if you loved someone you would want to keep loving them?
> 
> ...


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> I don't think I would have pushed her for sex knowing it was painful. But and this is a very large but: I would have reacted very badly to her having a general lack of desire. And I would not have been ok with doing other stuff only 1-2 times a week.
> 
> That would have created a steadily rising level of tension.
> 
> ...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Miche don't let him use that excuse. Some people get plenty of sex at home. And then they still go out and cheat. He's using that excuse now to justify his cheating.

Further, you were ill. It wasn't like you lost interest. He had no compassion there. AND he makes fun of your illness. He's just a hurtful piece of SH!t. 

Great news on the new job. Don't let the age gap bother you. Give the "old crows" time to get to know you. Ask one of your favorites to lunch one Friday. Eventually they will accept you. 

Keep up the good work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ok. I get it. He wanted what he wanted and didn't care that it would hurt you. A good guy doesn't do that. 

As for the 'other stuff', I had the incorrect impressing that you were the one controlling the pace. 




miche4 said:


> MEM11363 said:
> 
> 
> > I don't think I would have pushed her for sex knowing it was painful. But and this is a very large but: I would have reacted very badly to her having a general lack of desire. And I would not have been ok with doing other stuff only 1-2 times a week.
> ...


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Philly- thank you for reminding me of that. He stopped having compassion and then used my illness to hurt me. I just cannot believe how much my life has imploded. I am hoping that if I take baby steps and start over that I can have a good life again. I am really excited to have a job again and hopefully the ladies will become more accepting. I just want to have friends again- the weekends are the hardest. I have looked into going to a meetup but I keep having anxiety attacks over them.

Mem- I loved him and wanted him happy. I put his wants (in areas other than sex) first because I knew sex was an issue and that has ended up causing me lots of problems now. No there was no control issue. I'm starting to think it was a [email protected] if I did [email protected] if I didn't situation


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What are your hobbies?


QUOTE=miche4;8061002]Philly- thank you for reminding me of that. He stopped having compassion and then used my illness to hurt me. I just cannot believe how much my life has imploded. I am hoping that if I take baby steps and start over that I can have a good life again. I am really excited to have a job again and hopefully the ladies will become more accepting. I just want to have friends again- the weekends are the hardest. I have looked into going to a meetup but I keep having anxiety attacks over them.

Mem- I loved him and wanted him happy. I put his wants (in areas other than sex) first because I knew sex was an issue and that has ended up causing me lots of problems now. No there was no control issue. I'm starting to think it was a [email protected] if I did [email protected] if I didn't situation[/QUOTE]


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

To be honest I am a bit boring and don't have many. For the last 6 years I have been helping my ex cultivate his career.

Things I like to do: read- when I have the time up to 10 books a week, cook- I am a veggie so I like to change up the recipes to fit my diet, walk, play with my dog, mess around on my computer. I do enjoy a good talk with people but I need to know them first. I think that is where my issues lie- social anxiety. I am not religious, although I was when I was younger, so I actually did try going to a liberal church this morning. The people there were very kind but I noticed that there were only 3 other people in my age group. I ended up having so much anxiety that 30 minutes in I left

How do you explain to people that yes I am from here but I left. Now I am back and need to meet friends but I am trying to avoid my past here (I know you don't tell them that but I feel that is my current scenario). Most 20s have a group of friends set. I feel very socially awkward


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Reading is beautiful. 

Sadly, book clubs in your age range are not common. 

Any sports you like to play? 



miche4 said:


> To be honest I am a bit boring and don't have many. For the last 6 years I have been helping my ex cultivate his career.
> 
> Things I like to do: read- when I have the time up to 10 books a week, cook- I am a veggie so I like to change up the recipes to fit my diet, walk, play with my dog, mess around on my computer. I do enjoy a good talk with people but I need to know them first. I think that is where my issues lie- social anxiety. I am not religious, although I was when I was younger, so I actually did try going to a liberal church this morning. The people there were very kind but I noticed that there were only 3 other people in my age group. I ended up having so much anxiety that 30 minutes in I left
> 
> How do you explain to people that yes I am from here but I left. Now I am back and need to meet friends but I am trying to avoid my past here (I know you don't tell them that but I feel that is my current scenario). Most 20s have a group of friends set. I feel very socially awkward


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

miche4 said:


> I am trying to get out of the Debbie downer style posts but I can't seem to climb out of this depression yet (divorce, family issues, no friends in area-lonely) so don't give up on me! I'm trying just so overwhelmed



Miche4.... always believe in yourself!












Edit: I love to read too.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

No they are not common unfortunately. I have found one but there is a massive waitlist to get in...

I do not play sports although I did when much younger. I have always stayed very healthy until I got sick and gained some weight. I do work out but don't think I am in good enough physical condition to join a sports league

I love the birds message! I wish I believed in myself more. I know I don't. I am just so afraid about everything right now


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