# One of my struggles in the bedroom with a LD Wife



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Hello Everyone! My sex life to me is very bland and just plain boring. We tend to only do the same positions and same routine when it comes to sex. It usually begins with each of us fondling each other then she finishes (at least what I think) and I climb on top and do the deed. I find this sex to be completely boring and have been losing interest for many years (married almost 12 years).
My question today is how do all of you feel about showering before sex. For example my situation tonight; My wife showered this morning and throughout the day she worked all day then came home and went for a 3 mile jog, and she is now still in here workout clothes watching TV. We have not had sex in over 10 days due to a recent vacation with the extended family, and I have a feeling duty sex is on her mind. I for some reason do not feel like having sex with her tonight unless she showers because I’m searching for a quality sex night that involves foreplay and all the good stuff that comes along with getting it on. What would you do? Should I decline or accept the offer? I’m trying to get out of this quickie habit she seems to enjoy and this type of scenario is ruining our marriage, and I’m about done with the no effort put forth in our sex life. 
Thanks for reading


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Invite her to some sexy time in the shower! Fun place to start and ....... win-win!!


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Invite her to some sexy time in the shower! Fun place to start and ....... win-win!!



Great Advice! Unfortunately I have better luck getting struck by lightning. Things like that are in the past nowadays. That would require too much effort, and it looks like I do not have to deny her since she is sleeping on the couch once again. She’ll try and do a quickie in the morning just like this morning. I’m not interested in her morning quickie routine anymore; since she thinks that will shut me up for a few days. 

I’m just looking for a quality sex life, and I don’t think that is too much to ask for. We’ve been to counseling (cost is high and time consuming with our busy schedules), I’ve tried communicating (works for a week or so), recommended some reading material on how to please a partner (she hates reading). 

I equate sex to how you love someone and I told her over vacation that I honestly do not feel loved by her. Marriage is great!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like she does not have much interest in pleasing you.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Juice said:


> I equate sex to how you love someone and I told her over vacation that *I honestly do not feel loved by her.* Marriage is great!


That is how you rate your own self confidence, and you use the lack of it to make her feel inadequate and have likely destroyed her self confidence as well. 

While counterintuitive you need to make it very easy for her to please you, AND you need to compliment the crap out of her for everything that she does. 

You should NOT use sex as an example to measure how much she loves you! You should do whatever it takes to make her feel loved, and do what ever it takes to make her feel like a confident lover!

Suggesting she reads books would be like her telling you, @Juice would you read this book on "post orgasmic aftercare" because you are horrible at it and I honestly do not feel loved by you. You glance at the book and it reads like this:



> Being held, or “cuddled” is important for everybody, regardless of age.
> 
> But, as we all grow older, something changes and there is less emphasis on cuddling purely for the sake of cuddling and more towards gratification.
> 
> ...


 ....and it is basically 300 pages on how to hug somebody. However you try to hug her, you are always doing it wrong because it does NOT make her feel loved. In reality there is nothing wrong with your hugs, she just has low self confidence and is unable to believe that you really love her.

How would that make you feel? Odds are you would start feeling anxiety about hugs and just want to make her happy and get it over with. Now imagine if she complimented every one of your hugs no matter how small or brief. You would probably begin to provide more of them and become better at it!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## JoannaG (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did you originally seek marriage counseling? Was the lack of sex specifically addressed? What is your wife's side of the story in why she only puts out boring, duty sex?

As for showering, I shower most evenings, but it's mostly to save time in the morning. If I didn't shower, I'd at least freshen up. No way would I be okay with having sex if I felt gross or dirty.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Many women have concerns about their bodies and one suspects this may not be her idea of fun. Perhaps a message and a nice dinner may get her in the mood and women tend to be situational. Women sometimes get turned on by communication and talking about feelings and goals. 

I am not sure how to address your legitimate concerns and goals but I do not think this is the solution.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Shower before bed and in the morning. I don't like the idea that my H can smell my stink. Especially after I exercise. After a long day, my girl bits needs a washing.:grin2:

Sounds like a lot more is going on in your marriage besides bad sex. You need to start rebuilding intimacy in your marriage. Start with the small touches, hugs and little pecks thru out the evening when you are together, with no expectation of sex. Give her a massage, spent time talking about you two and hold hands while watching tv. 

Every marriage runs on auto every now and then, the trick is to realize when you fall into a routine and start making changes. When you start making love, you put a tweak into foreplay. Take it to a different direction and she will follow. Sometimes, as women we are waiting to see what our H's will do and just go along. So, if you are not doing any thing differently then, she will not response and try out something different. 

I am not saying this is fair but it is what it is. Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm a little concerned that you don't seem to know if she finishes.

Why don't you know if your wife orgasms? If she doesn't that likely plays a part in her LD. 

Have you asked her about it? You should be interested in this kind of thing. 

As for the shower, why don't you offer to take one with her? Or run a nice bubble bath? We take baths together all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Sounds like she does not have much interest in pleasing you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


It's not clear to me that he's all that interested in pleasing her. .... he doesn't even know if she orgasms. Pleasing goes both ways. 

Perhaps he'll clear this up and clarify what a quality sex life means to him. 

I suspect he's got bigger issues anyway. .... his wife is sleeping on the couch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Sounds like she does not have much interest in pleasing you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


That's exactly what I'm thinking.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Juice said:
> 
> 
> > I equate sex to how you love someone and I told her over vacation that *I honestly do not feel loved by her.* Marriage is great!
> ...



Thanks for advice. I complement her on a daily basis. We grab and touch each other throughout the day. Cuddling doors not happen much after sex since we are both exhausted from the long day. We go to bed after sex.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Juice said:


> Thanks for advice. I complement her on a daily basis. We grab and touch each other throughout the day. Cuddling doors not happen much after sex since we are both exhausted from the long day. We go to bed after sex.


What about immediately after? 

There is that moment, when I am still trying to catch my breath, still having not pulled out, when I focus my energy on nurturing my wife. Small kisses; nibbles on her neck; stroking her hair; saying something flirty or sweet (depending on the mood of the session) to make her smile; reinforcing her desirability. 

This "aftercare" is very important to her because she becomes a bit insecure after sex (CSA related issues).

What about your wife? What do you do for her immediately following sex?


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

JoannaG said:


> Why did you originally seek marriage counseling? Was the lack of sex specifically addressed? What is your wife's side of the story in why she only puts out boring, duty sex?
> 
> As for showering, I shower most evenings, but it's mostly to save time in the morning. If I didn't shower, I'd at least freshen up. No way would I be okay with having sex if I felt gross or dirty.


Marriage counseling was for sex therapy because I'm unsatisfied with the quality . We both rated our sex life. She gave our sex an 8. I rated it a 5. I did find out she is not really interested in sex and does not get to excited about it until things get rolling . The therapist encouraged her to get some test done to check her hormones and she brushed it under the rug because of the cost.

I shower twice a day because I'm always hoping for oral sex if the time comes. Just like I predicted last night she wanted a quickie this morning and I declined because I'm looking for a quality sex session


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> Many women have concerns about their bodies and one suspects this may not be her idea of fun. Perhaps a message and a nice dinner may get her in the mood and women tend to be situational. Women sometimes get turned on by communication and talking about feelings and goals.
> 
> I am not sure how to address your legitimate concerns and goals but I do not think this is the solution.


I agree women have way to many concerns when it comes to their bodies. While vacationing last week 4 of the women were self conscious about their body. From a man's perspective this is very frustrating. My wife should have no worries. She's a physically fit small petite woman who is hot! 

I'm a true believer in I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine. I rub her feet and massage her at times, but I lose interest in doing that since she will not return the favor. If she does its for 1 minute. They might seem selfish, but I like a good back rub too.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm a little concerned that you don't seem to know if she finishes.
> 
> Why don't you know if your wife orgasms? If she doesn't that likely plays a part in her LD.
> 
> ...


I know she finishes, and once in a while I think it's an act. Maybe I'm wrong. I asked her and she tells me that felt great and gets very sensitive down there. She only gets off by oral or by my fingers. Never PIV which bums me out. I generally do not last that long so I tried to explain that I need to stop and start to get better. She only like it one way which is very hard and fast which does not help my pre email.

By the time we get the kids to bed it's really late. So bubble bath are tough, but I'll suggest. We have a nice spa bathtub that never gets used.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> farsidejunky said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds like she does not have much interest in pleasing you.
> ...


She finishes sometimes I think it's an act. I ask her she says she did.

She falls asleep on the couch due to being tired. When I wake up she's in bed. She tells me to wake her up before I go to bed but I can't because it's a struggle and why bother someone when they're sleeping. We enjoy sleeping in bed together.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

I'm just looking for a variety of positions, more foreplay that is spontaneous (me not asking for oral sex), lingerie, and an opportunity to have sex more than once in a session due to my inability to last long when PIV occurs. I don't know maybe my mind is tainted from watching porn flicks in my younger days.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A lot of women can't finish from PIV, our bodies are designed to make that difficult. You're likely communicating that you're disappointed with this, and that may be contributing to her wanting quickies, so she doesn't have the pressure of something she physically can't do. 

I get the feeling that you guys don't communicate well in the sex department. 

What would a quality sex session look like to you? You just seem a little "meh" where her pleasure is concerned and are upset she doesn't please you. 

But please correct if that's wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> A lot of women can't finish from PIV, our bodies are designed to make that difficult. You're likely communicating that you're disappointed with this, and that may be contributing to her wanting quickies, so she doesn't have the pressure of something she physically can't do.
> 
> I get the feeling that you guys don't communicate well in the sex department.
> 
> ...


We communicate and it usually leads to a little argument. She claims she can't, but how could she with the short amount of time. I encouraged her to take the time to learn her body. For example stimulate herself. 

How does my quality sound meh? Asking for more positions, more oral, and having fun in the bedroom. Compared to the same routine of me going down on her, nothing in return from her, me on top until completion.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

this was your post about two years ago:

"Today I asked my wife why she couldn't touch me after we have had sex. Like oral or even using her hands. She totally flipped out and said it was groce and told me today that we need counselling or you can go find a freak. Wow just for asking a question. Any thoughts anyon?. We have been battling spicing up things in the bedroom for a few years now."

i think it's time to give up.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Yes that was me.

I asked her to give me oral after PIV. That didn't go over to well. I asked probably 3x since then and still no go. She also didn't get upset about it. I'm fine with that, but that is one fantasy that I would love to have. 

The original post I created last night was about hygiene and cleanliness. I want a good round of sex from this long break of no sex due to our vacation. 

If I know she didn't shower I really don't feel like going down on her. Therefore that eliminates foreplay which is a big deal to me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

There can be plenty of foreplay other than oral. Look into "tantric sex"..... very sexy and hands on. I'd think a girl could be very satisfied this way, even if her partner comes quickly.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I can help you, my boy...

First - direct communication. Ask what she likes, learn about her body and her orgasms. For some women that's not important - and they can remain overstimulated and are unable to sleep. Everyone is different and many women don't know their own bodies.

Does she own vibrators? Do you use them in your sex life? Sound to me like she may enjoy that first and maybe do oral on you. I get that she may not want oral after PIV - you should let that go for now.

There are sex pillows that can help with positions. Also the Sinclair institute has sex videos that are appealing to women that you may want to watch with her to get her reaction to positions etc. they use real couples so women relate much more than typical porn stars.

Be explicit and say you want intimacy and fun tonight - and ask her to clean up for you so you can munch ha ha. Find out what she likes and say what you want.

Don't demand she perform but you can suggest role play and ask if she wants you to role play for her.

It has to be mutually fun and engaging and involve connection rather than just sex IMO


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> There can be plenty of foreplay other than oral. Look into "tantric sex"..... very sexy and hands on. I'd think a girl could be very satisfied this way, even if her partner comes quickly.



Hello and Thanks for the reply. I did read some stuff about tantric sex. I’ll take a look at it and see if it something she will consider.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I can help you, my boy...
> 
> First - direct communication. Ask what she likes, learn about her body and her orgasms. For some women that's not important - and they can remain overstimulated and are unable to sleep. Everyone is different and many women don't know their own bodies.
> 
> ...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

My W finally started to get it when we read a bit of his needs her needs and it explains the number 1 need for most men is sex. Ask her how she would feel if you didn't listen to her and have discussions. Women often connect through verbal communication - sharing details and connecting that way. But make sure you are connecting with her through verbal discussions before you bring that up ha ha

Men connect through sex and physical touch - very often. That's why a low sex marriage can be so hollow and sad.

The book explains it in a way women can understand.

But you also have to be more in tune with her needs. The book might surprise you too.

Btw the meh attitude toward sex can be very common. Could be your W has responsive desire - getting giggidy gets her going. That's my W. She was always tired and not interested... but after I learned about responsive desire I just pushed to start and found she responded.

Btw2 her straight leg thing might be because she is very sensitive and you're too aggressive. Check that out. She may only be able to take a little stimulation until she is fully aroused - and may not understand that herself


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> My W finally started to get it when we read a bit of his needs her needs and it explains the number 1 need for most men is sex. Ask her how she would feel if you didn't listen to her and have discussions. Women often connect through verbal communication - sharing details and connecting that way. But make sure you are connecting with her through verbal discussions before you bring that up ha ha
> 
> Men connect through sex and physical touch - very often. That's why a low sex marriage can be so hollow and sad.
> 
> ...



I've read reviews on that book and it seems to be favored by most people. I love to read books and learning new things. Her on the other hand not so much. So how can I force a person to read? IMO you can't, they have to be willing to learn. 

The straight leg while doing oral is the only way she enjoys it to reach the top. I just wish she would open up more.

Tonight is not happening again. She was working on a project and I came upstairs and talked to her. Gave her a back rub. Then I turned on the b ball game. She laid down next to me and I massaged her feet and legs and next thing you know she's asleep. 

Oh well I guess I have to settle with quickie sex on a daily basis.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

She's feeling pressured, plain and simple. She's not as adventurous as you are, for one. So asking her to do things is stressful. Most people shut down when they're under pressure. The easiest way to shut down when it comes to marital sex is to either take it right off the table, or to do the minimum - as in "work to rule". So at the very least, she hasn't taken it off the table.

Sex with one's spouse should be a naturally occurring event, with no pressure, and an equal amount of attention to one another.

You have pressure because you have PE. She has pressure because you routinely ask for things she's not interested in doing. This removes the "natural" part of the event, even if subconsciously.

FWIW, you said she likes it hard and fast. To me, that preference screams "shut up and take me". You have a different preference for sex, which seems to be soft and loving and rather extended.

My wife also has a preference to (pardon my French) be f***ed. I used to take that personally, as in 'she wants it to be over quickly'. I've learned that's not the case. She doesn't want to be roughed up or anything, she just wants me to take charge. That's what turns her on. She's more excited when I appear to be more excited. So we compromise (a non-verbal compromise - we never discussed it, I just mix it up every time). Once a month or so, we also masturbate with each other. And we have sex 3-5 times per month, so not a lot. But we change things up and keep it fresh.

So my advice to you is to do just that - take her. Just do it. Get her going with a little bit of foreplay, but don't let her finish. Then do your thing, but hard and fast like she wants. When you're done, go back and finish her orally or manually.

But *take charge*. Less talk, more rock. I'll bet you she responds once you start doing this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Juice said:


> We communicate and it usually leads to a little argument. She claims she can't, but how could she with the short amount of time. I encouraged her to take the time to learn her body. For example stimulate herself.
> 
> How does my quality sound meh? Asking for more positions, more oral, and having fun in the bedroom. Compared to the same routine of me going down on her, nothing in return from her, me on top until completion.


The only way she can orgasm is by clitoral stimulation. You get an orgasm by PIV. You are equal, right? You don't get nothing. 

Have you considered that she may not be interested in spicing things up because the things you suggest are not geared towards mutual pleasure. Your wife giving you oral after PIV is a fantasy of yours but what do you think she gets out of it? 

Have you read anything about male and female sexuality? Did you know that about 70% of women cannot orgasm with PIV? It would help if you knew about sexuality so that you don't get upset about a normal situation. 

When does she shower? There must be a way you can ask her to shower after exercising.

I don't think you should turn down sex even if the quality is poor. It will be harder to work your way towards better sex if you decrease frequency. Say yes and work on quality.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I agree that you should definitely not turn down sex. Rejection sexually can be devastating.

I would wake her up for sex. If you wake her up through touches, gentle kisses, etc she may respond. I don't mean completely sexual touches btw but not nonsexual.

I also agree with you showing passion and excitement - show her you want to ravish her - but with non aggressive touches. A lot of women are really turned on by the notion of driving their men crazy with desire... but still hold out romantic fantasies of the great lover who is passionate but touches her the way she wants to be touched. I'm just saying show the passion and desire but don't be that teen guy who's ham handed and too rough ya know?

I think the other poster could be right that she wants you to take charge.

So try that instead of accepting her falling asleep. It might be a relief to her that you are in charge and not ambiguous which can create stress.

Ha ha I just realized I said to treat her like your dog and you're in charge. Wow sorry but in this case that can't be worse than the status quo. Alpha dog -not douchbag though - might do the trick.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

I agree with TheTruthHurts, Alpha dog works, but it is difficult to change in a relationship. You don't have to be a douchbag, but in control. For me, I never get oral sex, wife has refused to give it
for many years. Although with other men, I don't consider myself a "beta man", my wife is a very dominating person and as far as sex goes, I am beta. I read a survey once about
men that never get oral sex from the wife and did they rate themselves "Alpha" or "Beta". The "Beta" group got much less oral sex from the wife. Alpha simply won't put up with it.


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