# Fiancée cheated with coworker



## parachute100 (Feb 2, 2012)

So I'm looking for some advice of some kind.

I had noticed on my Fiancée's phone, some suspicious but not too incriminating texts over the last month. Phrases like "thinking of you" were sent to her (she deleted outgoing messages before I saw any).

I confronted her about my suspicions and she swore blind that nothing was going on.

Today she told me at lunchtime that she would have to work late. My suspicious taking over me, that evening after work I drove by the co-workers house and found that her car was there, not at her work.

She admits that there was something going on, but won't give me much detail, only that she hadn't slept with him (I asked what she had done - she said that going into that would not help anything).

Has anyone got a similar experience? She says she is sorry, but I have a hard time believing that I could ever fully trust her again. 

We were due to get married in summer 2013.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Do not walk, RUN AWAY from her fast. This forum is littered with stories from betrayed spouses who had cheating fiance(e)s who later on went on to cheat after the marriage. Disregard this advice at your own peril.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Do you really want to marry someone you already know you can't trust? She is cheating and is trying to rug sweep now that she got caught. For your own sake I would say cut her off and head the other way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

here is what you do. first you drop to your knees and thank god that this has happened now and spared you the rest of your life. next you get the ring back, and expose her to everyone as you explain why the wedding is off.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dump her. The fact she is still hiding what she did says it all.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

parachute100 said:


> So I'm looking for some advice of some kind.
> 
> I had noticed on my Fiancée's phone, some suspicious but not too incriminating texts over the last month. Phrases like "thinking of you" were sent to her (she deleted outgoing messages before I saw any).
> 
> ...



Sure doesn't sound very remorseful. Lifetime of heartache if you stay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

skip76 said:


> here is what you do. first you drop to your knees and thank god .


:rofl:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Cheating when she is supposed to be deep in the love her life - the relationship she supposedly wants to be in exclusively for the rest of her life that is still to become official - when she is still supposed to be "putting her best foot forward" is pretty much terminal. 

If she'll cheat when it's as good as it gets - what happens when your 15 years in, two or three kids running around, no time or energy to invest in each other, and you know every freckle on each other butts and some one new happens along and blows in her ear??? Hmmm?? We all know what happens - you get the shaft. 

She'll tell you "it was a mistake" she "didn't mean it" and "it won't happen again." Remember this happened when it's supposed to be euphoric with you - when no one else could even turn her head. Even if you and she don't consider her "the type" to cheat something got her to better deal you before you even closed on the deal. 

Game over.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Reconciling will the mistake of your life. Its OK. Sometimes engagements don't work out and people split before marriage. She cheats and lies . What else do you want in this relationship? STDs?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Run.

She lied and evn admits to lying, but even when caught wont come clean. Why would yay marry someone who would do that to you? She's clearly not into marrying you otherwise there woukdbe noother guy at all.

She is just covering up her cheating at this point.

Dump her and walk away knowing you dodged a bg bullet. No Alimony no kids. So much better for you to have learnt now her true self.

Run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It wouldn't help to tell is right, you know everything you need to know. Let us know what happens when you let her go. Lies about work and lays another man.

If for some impossible reason you can't be sure, her you have scheduled a polygraph.

Do you know the other man?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You have received a lot of good advise the question is will you take it.

You are right now in a situation where you feel you love someone so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with. This person has done something that she wants you to ignore so that the both of you can move forward.

Take some time and read some of these other threads. People who have allowed the BS to rugsweep and have been the "Nice" guy always comeback to the site and state the BS did not change and continued this activity, why? I cannot answer that question but make your decision with your eyes open.

Do you want to invest the time, energy and the emotional angst to try and get back together with the knowledge that what you thought you had will never be the same? It is your choice,but choose wisely.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

she might not of had sex with him (as she claims), but dollar to donuts, they had at least bare miminum oral sex. jusst thank god you found this out now...run as fast as you can, and tell everyone.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

So she went over to her co-worker's house without telling you and she didnt sleep with him, Ha. Break off your engagement because she is cheating on you and dont take her back because she will do it again. I understand that it will hurt and you will want to forgive her but dont, Be tough about this. There is always someone better for you. Sorry man.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you've been having sex with her then go get yourself tested for STDs.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

She lied to you about another man, IMO this is a deal breaker in it self - what ever the two did behind closed doors just adds on.

She lied to you now, she will later. 

Consider your self lucky that your dodged a bullet - end things and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PaGuy (Feb 1, 2012)

Get out now !


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Don't just Run away as fast as you can.

Let her family know why you are breaking off the engagement.

That is how you show her some consequences.

Good Luck. Move forward with your life with someone that you can trust!!!


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

You _can't_ marry this chick now.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And be prepared for the tears when you call the whole thing off. She will try to convince you that it would be too humiliating for you both to call off the wedding! Just remember how humiliating it will be to have a serial cheater for a wife.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're the putz (Potsie) and the OM is the man (The Fonz). He gets to bang her and you get to pay the bills.

Don't be Potise or Ralph Malph, be the Fonz man, be the Fonz. Well, not the Fonz who jumped the shark though, back before when he was still cool


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

^"_Ayyy_" :smthumbup:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah I would have flattened all four of her tires. And waited for her to call you. *Dump the skank *or you will *jump the shark.* Isn't it absolutley weird how those two phrases are so incredibly close to one another... gives me the chills.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You didn't go knock on the door? Whats up with that?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Run for the hills dude. Call this a disguised blessing.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Yes consider this as a blessing and end it. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a snake.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You dodged a serious bullet OP.

Dump her and don`t look back.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> _Do not walk, RUN AWAY from her fast._ This forum is littered with stories from betrayed spouses who had cheating fiance(e)s who later on went on to cheat after the marriage. Disregard this advice at your own peril.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

NatashaYurino said:


> morituri said:
> 
> 
> > Do not walk, RUN AWAY from her fast. This forum is littered with stories from betrayed spouses who had cheating fiance(e)s who later on went on to cheat after the marriage. Disregard this advice at your own peril.
> ...


:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She has played you for a total fool. Get tested for STD's. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Move and fast. What a piece of work she is.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Among other things--get your engagement ring back

You got a great gift---you found out ahead of time, before any kids/legal entanglements---that you have a cheater/liar/ conniver/deciever, and manipulator for a fiancee

Get out now, do not even entertain the thought of letting her weedle her way back in------if she would do this to you now, when you 2 are spose to be in the star-struck, hot passion, nothing else exists part of your relationship----think what she will be like 7 to 10 yrs., into a mge, when things are boring, the same old, same old---and she wants to spice up her life---she will cheat on you at the drop of a hat----take your gift, and run.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I agree with everyone posting that you should break off the engagement. It's been over a year since d-day for me and I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of my H's infidelity. We have over 15 years together, two children, and all sorts of combinded assets but I still have moments of wondering "Can I do this?". I know it's normal to feel this way and it will take me at least another year (probably more) to recover from his betrayal. But honestly, I think I will always be damaged goods in how his infidelity has affected me and how I view relationships. So think long and hard about whether you want to _start_ a marriage this way, because it doesn't get easier just because you have a ceremony.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Among other things--get your engagement ring back
> 
> You got a great gift---you found out ahead of time, before any kids/legal entanglements---that you have a cheater/liar/ conniver/deciever, and manipulator for a fiancee
> 
> Get out now, do not even entertain the thought of letting her weedle her way back in------if she would do this to you now, when you 2 are spose to be in the star-struck, hot passion, nothing else exists part of your relationship----think what she will be like 7 to 10 yrs., into a mge, when things are boring, the same old, same old---and she wants to spice up her life---she will cheat on you at the drop of a hat----take your gift, and run.




:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Start to run man, dont fall for her crocodile tears she would shed laughing inside. Dont trust her love bombings. Dont be her doormat and dont be a cucklod.
SO TAKE YOUR GIFT AND RUUUUUUN as far away as possible from this pathetic liar and cheater. If you miss this chance you will regret for this for your entire life.


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## parachute100 (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks everyone,

It looks like the unanimous recommendation is to end it. My logical mind agrees with this, but obviously as this is a big shock, the idea is inconceivable. 

You've all made some very good points. 

Has anyone got tips of how to proceed after breaking it off?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you are willing to knowingly live with a cheater---who disrespects you, and was willing to put her marital status at risk, then you can stay if that is what you want---BUT---You need to definitely call the wedding off----and give the whole thing a lot more time----cuz in all honesty, you don't really know what you have for a partner---Do You??

She has to prove herself, she has to now earn your trust---the question then becomes, do you wanna become a probation officer, and always have to be checking on her---is that what you want in a partner---cuz that will just lead to a somewhat miserable existence for you.

If you are done---then just seperate, and delete her----tell her you are not gonna spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, walking on eggshells, and always wondering what she is doing---that is not what mge., or a serious relationship is about.

Let's see how really serious she is----just split up, and ignore her---let's see how really badly she wants this relationship.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> Do not walk, RUN AWAY from her fast. This forum is littered with stories from betrayed spouses who had cheating fiance(e)s who later on went on to cheat after the marriage. Disregard this advice at your own peril.


Sadly i have to agree.

I know its tough pill to swallow.But read around here
and you will fully understand why, we feel this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> Thanks everyone,
> 
> It looks like the unanimous recommendation is to end it. My logical mind agrees with this, but obviously as this is a big shock, the idea is inconceivable.
> 
> ...


It won't be easy. What she has done is the wrose thing a woman can do to you. One poster said it hurt worse than when his first wife died of cancer. Thats because the cheating partner cose to do what she did.

First go to your doc for temporary meds. They see this a lot and it will help hou a bunch. Exercise and getting in shape help more than you will believe. Most of all lean on family and friends and don't hold it in. The upside is you can strt looking for new women to date.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

This is going to sound cold, but the way you break it off is, "I can't start a life with you given what you have done to me, good bye" and then walk away. You dont owe her an explanation and unless you're willing to let her talk you out of it any conversation, explanation or debate is only an attempt to make her feel better that isn't going to change the result. Therefore any conversation with her just becomes unnecessary and painful bleeding. If you have to cut someone's head off, best to do it with a sharp sword (just an analogy mods ). 

If its over tell her it's over and then let it be over. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You have been given a gift. A little pain now, saves a lot of pain later. You're not even married and she is heals up under some other guy. Time to confront, dump her.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> Thanks everyone,
> 
> It looks like the unanimous recommendation is to end it. My logical mind agrees with this, but obviously as this is a big shock, the idea is inconceivable.
> 
> ...


exercise.
get support from family and friends.
I highly recommend reading the Married Man Sex Life Primer. There is a great section on what to look for in a future wife. Use this as an opportunity to empower yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

My man Oran "Juice" Jones wants to chime in.

Oran "Juice" Jones - The Rain - YouTube

Old School, but still applies today.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> Thanks everyone,
> 
> It looks like the unanimous recommendation is to end it. My logical mind agrees with this, but obviously as this is a big shock, the idea is inconceivable.
> 
> ...


What you are feeling is normal. Because you were not prepared for this, you are in shock from the surprise of it all. Your emotional side hasn't had time to prepare, so you're going to feel doubt and question all logical ideas.

What you need to do is get your mind back into logical mode and ask yourself some simple questions and I'll bet you can come up with the right answers. For example, picture yourself on that altar with her and she's reciting her vows about being faithful to you for the rest of your lives. Would you believe her? She already has proven she's not willing to uphold those vows to you and you guys haven't even sealed the deal yet.

And here's another huge point you need to think about... When you remove the "vows" from marriage, essentially all you are is a financial team. All your assets become joint/mutual assets. All your finances become hers. And if you get far enough along and have kids, and she's still cheating on you, you have to deal with questions on whether the kid is even yours or not, and if you divorce then now you're stuck paying alimony to her while she gets custody and you're all alone and up a creek.

So as much as this hurts now, come back to the logical side and realize you have been given a true gift here... to see this woman for who she really is before you actually make some lifelong commitment to her with irreversible financial consequences.

I am truly sorry for your discovery and all the pain you must be enduring, but for that the TAM community is here for you to help you through this. However the one thing you need to do now is end your relationship with this girl... not tomorrow, not next week.... today. Be strong, and we will be here for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> Thanks everyone,
> 
> It looks like the unanimous recommendation is to end it. My logical mind agrees with this, but obviously as this is a big shock, the idea is inconceivable.
> 
> ...


Honey, I've decided that anyone who would do what you've done behind my back with another man - is well not someone I could ever be married to. The two of us have very different boundaries and beliefs in what is acceptable in a relationship and especially marriage.

I hope he's worth it because you've killed this relationship for him.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Do not marry her!

I thought my ex husband would stop cheating once we were married. No, he slept with any woman who would reciprocate. I was pregnant at the time, so I thought he would change. Wrong! I left a year later. One of his mistresses moved in 3 days after I left. He's cheated on her too, he told my daughter this when she was 15 years old and was proud of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> Has anyone got tips of how to proceed after breaking it off?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



1) see a doctor if the depression/anxiety is bad
2) exercise regularly
3) cut out your exfiance completely out of your life, delete FB friends, block email and phone, go to different hang out spots, etc
4) get out and about- rely on friends and family to keep you busy, tell them straight up what happened and ask them to take you places to have fun (except bars, see below)
5) Avoid alcohol and drugs for a period of time
6) recognize that you may have a rebound relationship or two, keep dating light and don't dwell on your problems with the next GF
7) learn from this, know what boundaries are important to you and learn how to discuss them with the next serious partner


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> One poster said it hurt worse than when his first wife died of cancer. That's because the cheating partner chose to do what she did.


My first wife died of cancer and while the pain of losing her was unbearable at times, it paled with the devastation I felt when I discovered my ex-wife's betrayal. 

My ex-wife, out of her own free will, *chose* to hurt me while my first wife did not choose to die from cancer and thus hurt me. My whole belief system was shaken to its foundation because of my ex-wife's betrayal.


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## parachute100 (Feb 2, 2012)

She's coming round shortly to talk. When my logical head is on it does not look good for her. Of course the emotional head is trying its best to overpower the logic!

Thank you for your responses - please continue to post, I am reading each reply and your advice is very helpful.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your head is showing you the woman she is, your heart is showing you the woman you thought she was.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

On the chance that she gets to you and you contemplate reconciling with her - if you do - make her walk through hell to do it. Do not roll over. If you take her back and you make it easy you're giving tacit approval.

This relationship has to be over. If she convinces you to take her back make her earn a new one. 

Me personally - I'd be damn hard to convince for second try.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> Thanks everyone,
> 
> It looks like the unanimous recommendation is to end it. My logical mind agrees with this, but obviously as this is a big shock, the idea is inconceivable.
> 
> ...


That is the really easy part. Hold out your hand. Ask for the ring. Say goodbye and walk away.

If you let her have her say just realize she did everything of her own free will knowing that she would be hurting you.

And who knows. She might be coming over to meet with you to give the ring back to you. 

No matter what. Walk away from her. You deserve better. You will find love again.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> Has anyone got tips of how to proceed after breaking it off?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats easy.

"You cheated, I don't want you anymore. Give me back the engagement ring and never contact me again"


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Thats easy.
> 
> "You cheated, I don't want you anymore. Give me back the engagement ring and never contact me again"


Short and sweet , no room for misinterpretation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hieronymus (Jan 21, 2012)

Parachute--I've been in your shoes and didn't have the courage/wisdom to call off the wedding. See what happened after that here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38636-am-i-just-stupid.html

My advice is to call it off now and let the situation sit at least for awhile. Her actions after calling off the wedding will tell you if it's worth rebuilding your relationship or not. From my own experience if you forgive too quickly and go ahead with the wedding it will gnaw at your soul for a long, long time.

Trust me when I say this: I know it seems hard, but it's exponentially harder to walk away from a marriage and family than a fiancee. I just wish I had been able to get this advice when I was in a similar situation to yours. It would have caused me some pain then, to be sure, but it might have helped me avoid a quarter-century of heartache that followed.

I wish you only the best.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## parachute100 (Feb 2, 2012)

So, it is done. We are over. I have the ring back.

She came over, we had a very long talk. She finally opened up to me and said that she had been feeling bored over the last while, that she tended to feel that we have the same routine each day and all that stuff.

This feeling of boredom she said led her to having the affair, she says it was only physical.

I spent a long time making the point that this feeling of boredom must be something fundamental in our relationship, not something that could be solved by going to the cinema more often, or going out - she was surprised to find that I have always been totally happy to hang out around the house with her doing nothing.

I continued to make the point that feeling this way even before marriage, no matter what we do now, this will be a short term fix. The boredom would come back.

I have basically written off the PA for a reason for the ending of this relationship, aside from the trust issue, the fundamental here for me is this boredom feeling. I said that we must not be meant for each other, as hard as it seems now. I could not think of any way that this feeling could not come back in the long term.

Another reason we think is the problem - we NEVER fought. We generally kept our feelings in. If we ever did fight, that would be the time that the true feelings would be told. Neither of us was capable of putting across our feelings properly. I think we are just too alike.

We had a long long talk, a very calm and logical conversation about what we are going to do now. She is moving back to her parent's house, I will probably move in with a friend.

We are both TOTALLY devastated about this, but I think that we both agree that it has to be for the best. All we have to do is try to remember this logical approach in the coming weeks and months.



P.S. - You guys are awesome.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

parachute - think of it this way - the first bad news is always the best bad news. Better now than 10 years from now with a couple of kids. 

Take a deep breath and leave it in the rear view mirror.

BTW - totally agree with you about her boredom issue.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> parachute - think of it this way - the first bad news is always the best bad news. Better now than 10 years from now with a couple of kids.
> 
> Take a deep breath and leave it in the rear view mirror.
> 
> BTW - totally agree with you about her boredom issue.


Yeah, boredom as an excuse to cheat? What would it have been next time? The coffee wasn't strong enough?


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## parachute100 (Feb 2, 2012)

She made the point not to use the boredom as an excuse, I think the boredom is a sign that something just wasn't right with us.

We ended on very good terms - we agree that we can't hang on to each other by contacting each other except for the bare essentials.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

citing you being boring is what we call "blameshifting"

she can't own up to what she has done, she has to justify what she did by giving some lame excuse because she can't face what a horrible thing she has done to you

thus, don't take this criticism as a legitimate excuse


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## parachute100 (Feb 2, 2012)

We have also agreed that all the times we have spent together have been the most fun times of our lives - we will cherish these times.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> We have also agreed that all the times we have spent together have been the most fun times of our lives - we will cherish these times.


Sounded like a lot of fun times at the beginning of this thread!


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## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

Quick quick, spy, hire a detective, monitor her incoming and outgoing calls. Quick Quick.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

P100,

You handled this situation like an adult. I commend you for it.

And dude she is an ass. If she was feeling that way she should have had the balls to tell you before she had an exit affair. End of story!

Move on and find someone that will love you and honor you.

I am with my wife 25 years. Married 19. She was a virgin till the day we married. She has no desire to be with anyone else.

People that love each other might get bored but they do not cheat on their significant other. And we both hardly ever fight.

She is flawed. Be glad you caught this infidelity before it was too late.

Good Luck, Live Long and Prosper.

HM64


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> She made the point not to use the boredom as an excuse, I think the boredom is a sign that something just wasn't right with us.
> 
> We ended on very good terms - we agree that we can't hang on to each other by contacting each other except for the bare essentials.


Actual her boredom and cheating is deep reflection her lack of maturity and lack of taking responsibility for her own happiness. Instead of kicking things up with you,Moshe chose to let another guy entertain her and pursue her. 

She then blamed you.

Dude, you have dodged a bullet here and will look back and realize how lucky you were.

She. Will eventually look back and realize she acted as a selfish little girl and trashed a relationship that would have been wonderful for life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Love, trust and respect are the basis of any committed relationship. If any of one or more of these is missing, then the relationship has died.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Not trying to be rude here but you're a coward. Yes you may not have had the best communication between the two of you but you and your wife are using that excuse to justify her cheating. She was the one that went behind your back and started having an affair. If she didnt like how your marriage was going then she should have talked about it or at least tried to fix things between the two of you. She didnt and instead she took a coward's way out and starting cheating. And you sit there and take it like a ***** when you should be angry as hell that she betrayed you. Tear her a new one next time you see. For god's sake man, Have some respect for yourself.


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## what-the-heck (Feb 2, 2012)

Parachute! Be strong, stand firm brother! Sounds like you did the right thing. Can be very, very tough - but don't go back. So, so, so much good advice here. My two cents in addition to all the wise counsel... Renew bonds with friends and family. Don't be ashamed to ask for help in whatever form - counseling, medical help, validation from friends. Read up on grief. If you are feeling unsure about your admirable decision to split from her, come back here and read the many stories like yours - and how invariably the folks who tried to make it work with their cheating partner got burned again. As several have said here, oddly, life has taught you a tough lesson *but* also given you a great gift! Get on with your life and be grateful! All the best to you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You are well rid of her. Let me explain something, after 32 years of marriage, guess what, sometimes you get bored. Let me tell you how I see it. Your girl friend had 85% of the complete package (you). Then after awhile she started thinking about the other 15% of her needs that you don't meet (24/7 fun time dude). So she finds that guy to give her that 15%. Ah now she is 100% satisfied. Oops you found out she as a cheating tramp (and yes my friend, she is a cheating tramp) and have subsequently ended the relationship. Now she only has her 15%. Tell me, what exactly is she going to do for the other 85%. Allow me to say that your ex has screwed herself. Anyone who risks 85% contentment for a 15% orgasm is an idiot.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You have done great......The only thing I am surprised with is the fact that she admitted the physical affair. I was sure she would go down lying about that. She has been having doubts for a while evidently. Good job sniffing this out. Never trust 100%. As always,trust but verify.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What a great line......."The affair was only physical." You really escaped the bullet. Congratulations on getting the ring back.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Oh and if I may, regarding the ring. Put it in a safe deposit box. my wife was engaged to a guy who called of the wedding two weeks before. Parents out thousands. She gave the ring back, not thinking. Well a couple of weeks go by and the wife just stops by his place to pick up a couple of things she left. One of them was the ring. She found it. I was so glad she did that. It paid for a house payment and groceries when we were first married.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Seriously...

Lose the WE WE WE talk..
What she thinks is irrelevant, to you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

speakingforsomemen said:


> Quick quick, spy, hire a detective, monitor her incoming and outgoing calls. Quick Quick.


At least read the thread before you stick your foot in your mouth. :rofl:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> parachute - think of it this way - the first bad news is always the best bad news. *Better now than 10 years from now with a couple of kids*.
> 
> Take a deep breath and leave it in the rear view mirror.
> 
> BTW - totally agree with you about her boredom issue.


Bored already before even getting married?


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## parachute100 (Feb 2, 2012)

She is starting to realise what she has done I think. She had contacted me to say things like "can we not work this out?" etc etc. 

Before you panic, I'm not giving those notions any consideration. It's probably just hitting her what had happened and what she has lost. 

I know 100% that this is a good thing in the long run, we werent getting what we should have been from the relationship, and anything that could potentially be done to remedy the situation is a short term thing at best. 

So, bring on the advice for moving on?? I can't cut off all contact just yet until living arrangements are sorted, but we will not be in the same place at the same time. 

She wants to say goodbye to my parents, bad idea or should I let that happen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wow. She is already missing her 85%. Which by the way now, when comparing to her 15% lover, looks like 100%. Hey, just for giggles, when you talk to her, go ahead and ask her "hey, are you bored now"? And regarding your parents. NO WAY. She wants that for one reason. That's the chance that they will apply pressure to you to forgive and forget.  She is just trying to manipulate you. Remember her words. "It was just physical" and "I'm bored". Gird yourself for the mascara and snot running, begging your forgiveness. I mean think about the vows you were going to take. After this? How could she stand up in front of family, friends and the world. Hear the words "Forsaking all others, cleave only unto him". How could you even deliver a line like that after this? Stay strong.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Let her say the good bye, your parents were going to be her in-laws and their is a bond....big about it. I think you should allow her to do this without your presence. 

However...........warn your parents, it is likely she will try to recruit them to influce you to reconcile. They should hear her out, allow her, her script. Instruct you parent to not commit to anything. 

This event will just be a litte pebble in your life.....don't stress it and don't create drama or make it bigger than it has to be.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> I know 100% that this is a good thing in the long run, *we werent getting what we should have been from the relationship*, and anything that could potentially be done to remedy the situation is a short term thing at best.


Of course not. She wanted to have a future husband while being free to have lovers on the side.

She is not marriage material for any man.



> She wants to say goodbye to my parents, bad idea or should I let that happen?


Best not to do that because if your parents had a good relationship with her, this can only bring them pain.

And frankly it reeks of emotional manipulation so that they will feel bad for her and urge you to give her another chance. We've seen a few cases where the parents of the man have turned on him and it has caused permanent damage to the parent/son relationship. So its best to let sleeping dogs lie.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm in the no goodbye to your parents camp as well. What is there really to say? What is there to gain? Reeks of emotional manipulation. Don't let her put your parents in the position of having to pick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Yeah dude, no goodbye to your parents. Agreed it is part of her plan to put manipulation on your side of the family. Clearly you have displayed to her that you have made up your mind and there's no swaying you, so her next line of attack is lining up your family to try and get to you.

The relationship with her must end for *everyone* on your side, meaning your whole family. She said goodbye to them when she chose to have some other guy's penis inside her.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

Why can't she say good bye to the parents. Are we now saying who our parents can talk to? To me feelings for the Fiancee still exist or there would not even be a reason for posting on a board. I see no problem with cancelling the wedding, too far into the future anyway. Would go into IC and wait about 3 months to make a decision.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I see no harm in the good bye unless she has some other plans to drag you back through your parents.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Since you can't stop her from talking to your parents if she's dead set on it, I'd recommend that you tell your parents what she was doing and why you ended the relationship. Inform them that she wants to say goodbye to them and that they can decide for themselves if they want to or not.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Maybe if they were married, aeg. And a yeah, that's exactly what we're telling him to do. No contact with the parents. She is doing this for "her" reasons. Whether it is to manipulate them, or just assuage her guilt. Sorry, not in the business of absolution. Tell her to consider Christ.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> Since you can't stop her from talking to your parents if she's dead set on it, I'd recommend that you tell your parents what she was doing and why you ended the relationship. Inform them that she wants to say goodbye to them and that they can decide for themselves if they want to or not.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Up until recently your WF was going to be their daughter in law, your parents may need this closure. Be the bigger person and let her and your parents have their good bye. Blocking the good bye as some here advocate is petty and unmanly.....be the bigger person who recognizes that the had a relationship with each other and allow them the opportunity to end it on their terms. Be the adult and maintain your dignity.......and respect your patents right to say good bye to the women who they loved because you loved her.

Look, allowing the good bye will put more knifes in your WF, as she realizes that she is not only losing you but your family......plus maybe your mom will get in a couple of shots as mine would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I see no problem with her talking to your parents as long as they are aware ahead of time as to why the engagement has broken. None of this trickle truth " We decided we weren't good for each other."

Your parents need to know what type of person their Previous potential future in daughter in law is. 

Allows them to properly understand what she is saying and does not allow her to White Wash Why you decided to end it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hey - you know conversely you could always tell her family good bye and at that same time make sure they know the real reason why you canceled the engagement. It's a pretty safe bet that she's minimized her actions to her family and is painting you as a hard ass.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Hey - you know conversely you could always tell her family good bye and at that same time make sure they know the real reason why you canceled the engagement. It's a pretty safe bet that she's minimized her actions to her family and is painting you as a hard ass.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

It wouldn't be surprising if she lied to them and told them that it was because you were having an affair. Some women do this you know.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Like others have said, let her say goodbye to your parents. Regarding the rest, keep it friendly and civil but don't give her the indication that you're reconciling. 

Her response is only a short term after affect of the break up.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Let your parents decide if they want the good-bye, but be sure they know the full truth. Otherwise, they may feel like fools if the truth comes out later. They might want the opportunity to speak their minds to your ex for her acting in such a selfish and immature way while engaged to their son. I'd feel terrible if I gave my child's partner a loving good-bye then found out later they had hurt my child in such a way. Let them make an educated decision.

On a side note, I dated my college boyfriend for over 5 years and when we broke up I never said good-bye to his parents. The break-up was mutual but more instigated by me, so I didn't feel I deserved the chance to say good-bye. They were like a second set of parents to me, especially since I was so young while in the relationhip, and I have missed them over the years. But I think it was best for my ex that I never maintained contact with them, because it would've been tempting, although wrong, to talk of "keeping in touch" during the good-bye. I could'nt keep my relationship with them and not be in one with their son.

Still hard after almost 20 years to resist sending a Christmas card or let them know how much they meant to me all those years ago. But I still think it would open up a can of worms. I would never want to make my ex or his now wife feel uncomfortable by acting on my selfish wants. So I leave it alone and inwardly give thanks for the time I had with them.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Saffron, I bet your departure without a good bye (closure for you and them) was very painful for them. You lost parents, they lost a daughter. If you feel the need to get closure now, do so, no can of worms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> She made the point not to use the boredom as an excuse, I think the boredom is a sign that something just wasn't right with us.


Its a sign that something is wrong with her. Too many cheaters just simply get bored with being with the same person for too long. Doesn't matter how good the relationship is, or how attentive to the relationship the betrayed party is. Some people are just fickle.

Now this isn't to say you did everything perfectly, because nobody does.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

67flh said:


> she might not of had sex with him (as she claims), but dollar to donuts, they had at least bare miminum oral sex. jusst thank god you found this out now...run as fast as you can, and tell everyone.


I agree. But however at this point.It really should matter
It just would sting more.But getta hell out of dodge
be concentret of the fastest way he can get there.


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

Parachute,

You are a very lucky man that you found out before you were married, and did the right thing quickly.

I ignored one or two bright red flags before I got married (which did not give clear evidence of any wandering by my then fiancée, unfortunately, but should have been more than sufficient for me to say WHOA!!!). I paid the price only one year later after the dream wedding and new house. (Fortunately, no kids.)

Chalk it up to experience, and move on to find a better woman.

Best of luck to you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop worrying about who she talk too, take some money, find a cheap ticket to someplace warm and full of people looking for fun and go for a week. It will do wonders for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## parachute100 (Feb 2, 2012)

So I've told my parents now, they are 100% supportive, and agree this is definitely the best thing considering whats happened! They flat out said they don't want her to come around and speak to them, not that they hold anything against her, but that it wouldn't gain much 

I'm feeling good right now! I've moved in with friends, having a fun time!

I'm feeling excited to do new things and more of what I want to do. Maybe this is a phase of recovery and I might relapse for a while. Right now I was able to look at her photograph and not feel sad. Perhaps I knew deep down that this wasn't right and had begun distancing myself emotionally. It's a massive consolation when I think that I didn't really have the perfect relationship, and she wasnt who I thought she was. 

Once again, thank you guys, you showed me the reasons why this had to end. I expected you to be a load of bitter people who would yell "Dump Her Dump Her!" from your experiences with infidelity - this is the impression I got as the replies started, but when carefully considering your arguments, I knew you were right! You are right. I'm going to be fine 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Just be prepared for the emotional roller coaster. Right now you feel great, that you can move on without her, the next you will feel as though you can't live without her.

For the unexperienced, it may seem to outsiders that people here are bitter or jaded, especially to those who have cheated and are unremorseful and to those who haven't experienced infidelity. 

It's just that people here have been there, done that. Reconciliation is difficult enough as it is. It takes on average 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and that is with a 100% truly remorseful WS. R is so difficult that most would be gone immediately if there were no children involved.

Stick around and read thru the stories here. There are a few stories of BSs here who's spouses did cheat on them BEFORE they were married, and married the WS anyway, only to have the spouse either continue to cheat on them or cheat multiple times years later.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

parachute100 said:


> I'm feeling good right now! I've moved in with friends, having a fun time!
> 
> I'm feeling excited to do new things and more of what I want to do. Maybe this is a phase of recovery and I might relapse for a while. Right now I was able to look at her photograph and not feel sad. Perhaps I knew deep down that this wasn't right and had begun distancing myself emotionally. It's a massive consolation when I think that I didn't really have the perfect relationship, and she wasnt who I thought she was._Posted via Mobile Device_


I recently divorced after discovering my wife was having an affair and like you I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. I mean it killed me to break up my children's home but at the same time I did not mourn my wife the way I thought I would. Some people just have an easier time accepting change than others and some can just deal with their emotions better while others can't. There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss every person has their own way as long as you can accept that it's over and the need to move on in the long run you'll do fine. Few people who have their significant other betray them by having affair get the kind of closure they need to move on so if you feel you've gotten it treasure it and be grateful and use it to better yourself for your future. Best of luck you didn't deserve this no one does.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

P100,
Just move on now. Enjoy your friends and enjoy your free time. There are better women out there. And remember this, a woman that is truly your friend and says she loves you would never lie to you or sleep with another man. It is that simple. Find a new best friend. 
Good Luck Buddy.have a great ride.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> P100,
> Just move on now. Enjoy your friends and enjoy your free time. There are better women out there. And remember this, a woman that is truly your friend and says she loves you would never lie to you or sleep with another man. It is that simple. Find a new best friend.
> Good Luck Buddy.have a great ride.......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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