# how do i get the spice back?



## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

the big qeustion how do one get that spice back when you forgot you even had it. My h en i love each other very much. When we get alone time we dont know what to do with each other. We comunicate but we dont talk. We are growing apart and it feels like we are on a road of no return. We have to get the spice back before theire is no turning back. Pls help!!
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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

age, years married, kids?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Start dating each other.
Ask MsLonely about it.


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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> age, years married, kids?


we have been married for 12 years, known each other for 14. Our kids are stil small not in school yet. Where we live you dont get baby sites and no family near us. So the kids are with us 24/7. My husband start work early in the morning, he gets up at 4 so he gets to bed early at night. We dont have that exstra money to go out on the town. So we are home prety much. Advice please
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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MrsPayne said:


> we have been married for 12 years, known each other for 14. Our kids are stil small not in school yet. Where we live you dont get baby sites and no family near us. So the kids are with us 24/7. My husband start work early in the morning, he gets up at 4 so he gets to bed early at night. We dont have that exstra money to go out on the town. So we are home prety much. Advice please
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't need a sitter. You don't need night clubs. All you need is a little imagination and creativity.

By this time in your relationship, you've done all the "normal" things, you know what you should be doing (theoretically) but yes, you've lost some spark. The issue about the difference between talking and communicating is a relative one, but if you can both agree to make a special effort on your relationship, it's not too difficult to spice things up.

Let's start with the remoteness of your location and the inability to get a sitter. No doubt you're also worried about making too much noise and waking up the children. There are a couple of simple things you can do to take your intimate life up a notch.

First, get it out of the bedroom. Sometimes staring at the marital bed in anticipation of sex leads to some severe performance anxiety on both parties part as they start to worry about disappointing their spouses. Stop that mood in its tracks by inviting your husband into the shower (after you've already done the "business" stuff of shaving and other personal hygiene stuff) and at least start your foreplay under the water, with some good-smelling stuff. Heck, give him a salt scrub or something, he might like it. It's intimate, it's sexy, it's quiet, it's kid-free, and there's no mess to clean up.

Another tactic is to wake him up in the middle of the night, whisper in his ear that his girlfriend is going to be waiting in the driveway, grab the baby monitor, and scoot out to the car to have sex. Sure, it's uncomfortable -- especially when you know you have a nice warm bed inside -- plus there's the "danger of discovery" element, but those challenges are just the sort of thing you need to keep things interesting. Married sex becomes boring partially because it's easy. If you want to be even more daring, in warmer weather pitch a tent in the back yard. Spontaneous garage/attic nookie is also quite exciting.

You could try instigating a sex game. Nothing elaborate: just play Tag. Make a deal with your husband that one of you is 'it' at the start of the day, and when you're 'it' you are responsible for surprising your spouse with a few minutes of groping, kissing and foreplay in whatever stolen moment you can find out of the kids' view. Afterwards, the other person is 'it'. By then end of the day you'll both be pretty worked up.

The issue is you aren't putting enough "play" in your sex play. That's an easy thing for married parents to do, as the stresses and structure of married-life-with-kids taxes our patience and sanity on a daily basis. We'd like to think that the pleasures offered in the marital bed would alleviate that, but by the time we usually collapse at the end of the day, the spirit is willing but, crap, isn't House on tonight? 

Parental responsibility often robs us of our own willingness to play, and as adults we desperately need that. I think you'll both relax and the communication will flow more naturally once you genuinely enjoy the playful aspects of sex. Costumes and toys can help, but too many people misunderstand their place. You can't buy a toy and expect your sex life to turn around. You need to make consistent effort, risk failures that you're willing to laugh about, and be willing to explore some places outside of your comfort zone.

Good luck!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

To spice up the marriage, you will need to build a basic good emotional connection with your husband first. When the connection is strong, it won't be a problem for your husband to date you happily. However, to achieve that emotional connection, you have to do one thing first. That is, meeting your husband's emotional needs and make him feel fulfilled. One important emotional need of men is to feel accepted and appreciated by their wives.
Your husband gets up very early to go to work all day, bringing home the bacon for you and kids. He needs to feel appreciated by you. With a little gratitude and a warm loving smile, you kiss to welcome him back home from work everyday would make all his hard work worthwhile. It would be perfect if there's a delicious dinner you prepared for him. That would give you a big plus. Moreover, showing your love and appreciation with sincere compliments would draw his heart closer to you. He would love to talk to you about his day, but he might vent as well. Be a supportive & good listener, you will make him feel you're the most wonderful woman he can ever meet and marry.
So from above, you have got some reference about meeting your husband's emotional needs, which requires you to put effort in it everyday so you and him will never grow apart. Daily chi chat and friendly communication is very important. When everything outside the bedroom is taken care, there shouldn't be too many issues in the bedroom. Pull your husband's heart closer first so when you want to inject something new and fun, he would quickly response. 
I'm not sure how's your sexual life so i'd stop my comments here. 
Wish it helps!
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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

thanks for the reply ian. Your right we dont play anymore. Its down to business a quiky here because we have to get up for work early or the kids will come knocking at the door. For four years now i could nt have a orgasm without one of the kids interupting. I used to get a 3 in one orgasim now its one tiny one. What a let down. I wish things could be as they were a very very long time ago. But i will take all off your advice to haert. My h and i know theire is a propleme we both want to work at making things work but we both lost our way.
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## MrsPayne (Aug 26, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> To spice up the marriage, you will need to build a basic good emotional connection with your husband first. When the connection is strong, it won't be a problem for your husband to date you happily. However, to achieve that emotional connection, you have to do one thing first. That is, meeting your husband's emotional needs and make him feel fulfilled. One important emotional need of men is to feel accepted and appreciated by their wives.
> Your husband gets up very early to go to work all day, bringing home the bacon for you and kids. He needs to feel appreciated by you. With a little gratitude and a warm loving smile, you kiss to welcome him back home from work everyday would make all his hard work worthwhile. It would be perfect if there's a delicious dinner you prepared for him. That would give you a big plus. Moreover, showing your love and appreciation with sincere compliments would draw his heart closer to you. He would love to talk to you about his day, but he might vent as well. Be a supportive & good listener, you will make him feel you're the most wonderful woman he can ever meet and marry.
> So from above, you have got some reference about meeting your husband's emotional needs, which requires you to put effort in it everyday so you and him will never grow apart. Daily chi chat and friendly communication is very important. When everything outside the bedroom is taken care, there shouldn't be too many issues in the bedroom. Pull your husband's heart closer first so when you want to inject something new and fun, he would quickly response.
> I'm not sure how's your sexual life so i'd stop my comments here.
> ...


thanks mslonly. But thats just it. I am the kind off wife that waits at a dor with a smile, when h gets home dinner is served. He is my priority every day, has been for 12 years. Thats why i cant seem to grasp why we are worlds apart!?
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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> To spice up the marriage, you will need to build a basic good emotional connection with your husband first. When the connection is strong, it won't be a problem for your husband to date you happily. However, to achieve that emotional connection, you have to do one thing first. That is, meeting your husband's emotional needs and make him feel fulfilled. One important emotional need of men is to feel accepted and appreciated by their wives.
> Your husband gets up very early to go to work all day, bringing home the bacon for you and kids. He needs to feel appreciated by you. With a little gratitude and a warm loving smile, you kiss to welcome him back home from work everyday would make all his hard work worthwhile. It would be perfect if there's a delicious dinner you prepared for him. That would give you a big plus. Moreover, showing your love and appreciation with sincere compliments would draw his heart closer to you. He would love to talk to you about his day, but he might vent as well. Be a supportive & good listener, you will make him feel you're the most wonderful woman he can ever meet and marry.
> So from above, you have got some reference about meeting your husband's emotional needs, which requires you to put effort in it everyday so you and him will never grow apart. Daily chi chat and friendly communication is very important. When everything outside the bedroom is taken care, there shouldn't be too many issues in the bedroom. Pull your husband's heart closer first so when you want to inject something new and fun, he would quickly response.
> I'm not sure how's your sexual life so i'd stop my comments here.
> ...


Actually, that's the wrong way to go about it. Unless you're a lesbian in a lesbian relationship.

Attempting to show your appreciation for your husband without a sexual component sounds great, on paper, but it totally ignores some very essential aspects of male sexual psychology. To a man the above-described behavior would be tantamount to getting a beautifully wrapped birthday present that turns out to have a pair of socks inside. That sort of thing leads to bitterness and resentment. In a dude's mind, when a wife tells him how great he is but isn't making him happy in the bedroom, his thoughts start sounding like this: "Sure, I'm the Best Husband And Father in the world . . . but even that doesn't give me that blowjob I really want."

Sure, we want flattery, sincere appreciation, and deserved praise -- but our primary area of personal validation is sexual in nature. You want to make your husband feel appreciated? Drag him into the bushes and put a smile on his face. That shows him -- not tells him. Women like to be told. Men like to be shown.

And after the sex, the communication flows. Because men achieve far more open contact with their emotions AFTER sex, while women need to be in touch with their emotions BEFORE they have sex. Hence the Man Cave. If your man isn't talking to you, hump him silly. He'll talk.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

That's great, so if the emotional connection is there, it's not that hard to spice up sexual life. My husband dates me and we go out enjoy quality time once a week but because you have kids around you will need to spice your marriage up at home. What I'm doing at this moment is we wash each other in the bathroom and I give him a blow job with some hot water in my mouth. Then we move to the bedroom, he would give me an erotic oil massage with a blindfold on me. He also give me oral sex, we also 69 sometimes. There are many things and games maybe you should google it and
I believe you will get lots of inputs soon.
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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Actually, that's the wrong way to go about it. Unless you're a lesbian in a lesbian relationship.
> 
> Attempting to show your appreciation for your husband without a sexual component sounds great, on paper, but it totally ignores some very essential aspects of male sexual psychology. To a man the above-described behavior would be tantamount to getting a beautifully wrapped birthday present that turns out to have a pair of socks inside. That sort of thing leads to bitterness and resentment. In a dude's mind, when a wife tells him how great he is but isn't making him happy in the bedroom, his thoughts start sounding like this: "Sure, I'm the Best Husband And Father in the world . . . but even that doesn't give me that blowjob I really want."
> 
> ...


Sex is of course very important. For some men, their sexual needs go before emotional needs.
Not all men though. Hump my husband silly, I will only get rejection.
Don't feel surprised, men also need to feel loved and romantic.
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## lucky_guy (Jan 23, 2011)

I agree with Ian and MissLonely. Here are some other thoughts:

1. Get rid of the kids periodically. As in, send them off for a sleep over, import a sitter, send them to friends for the day. But LOSE THE KIDS. If you don't, they will turn you into their personal servants and when they eventually leave home, you'll be wondering who the stranger is in the house. (hint, it used to be your friend, lover and spouse). Don't allow your kids to grow up at the expense of your relationship with your partner. They are with you as part of a family and not the reason *for* the family.

2. Sex doesn't have to be in the morning or at night. Sex should preferably be when you are both awake. 

3. Establish boundaries for kids. If they have "their time", you get YOUR time too. Kids are trainable from birth, its just that too many times we pander to their uncontrolled "self expression" which isn't always a good idea. YOU need time together. YOU are a couple with needs (that won't wait), not just parents slaving over their kids.

4. each of you start doing things for your spouse. Go out of your way to do it. Make it as high a priority as the kids. Cards, love poems, stories. Share your mind with your spouse. If you have a fantasy, write it down so it includes them and ask "I'd love to do this WITH you".

5. Remember at all times; when the kids leave home, you'll either be living with your partner, or getting a divorce from a stranger.

You can be good parents without losing each other along the way. Its just that social pressures don't seem to allow for that. 

Shame. 

Another popular choice. Find a sitter somewhere and get a hotel room nearby. Hot steamy hotel sex -- no mess to worry about either


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