# Online Dating Question: Is Flaking Once an Automatic Write-Off?



## bravenewworld

Met someone I was very attracted to using an online dating app, and agreed to go on a date. (He was the one who initiated and asked.) We had a mutual friend who vouched for him, so I felt pretty sure he wasn't a kooky-boots. 

We'd been texting a bit, but the day before the date - nada. No time, no location, nothing. Which I found off-putting. Looking out for my own best interest, I decided it probably wasn't going to happen and made other plans. 

I finally get a text at 6pm on the actual day of the date saying he is extremely sorry, is out of town, and completely forgot about the date. He wants to make it up to me. He suggests another day. 

I wrote him back a short note saying "Hey, I was really bummed not to hear from you before today regarding meeting up. I get some people don't take online dating very seriously. But I think the fact you forgot we even had a date says it all. Don't think it's going to work out. Enjoy the journey and take care."

He wrote me back immediately saying that he is super sorry to flake on me, and would really like the opportunity to make it up to me. I don't date online much and this hasn't happened to me before - in your experiences, is it worth it to give someone a second chance? I'm not a total hard-a$$, but I also don't want to waste my time. 

FYI he is younger than me - hence why I let the whole texting thing slide. Usually I would want to talk on the phone before meeting up.

The options I am weighing:

A) Ignore the text and let it be.

B) Accept the apology and say he can call (not text) me if he wants to reschedule. 

C)??????


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## arbitrator

bravenewworld said:


> Met someone I was very attracted to using an online dating app, and agreed to go on a date. (He was the one who initiated and asked.) We had a mutual friend who vouched for him, so I felt pretty sure he wasn't a kooky-boots.
> 
> We'd been texting a bit, but the day before the date - nada. No time, no location, nothing. Which I found off-putting. Looking out for my own best interest, I decided it probably wasn't going to happen and made other plans.
> 
> I finally get a text at 6pm on the actual day of the date saying he is extremely sorry, is out of town, and completely forgot about the date. He wants to make it up to me. He suggests another day.
> 
> I wrote him back a short note saying "Hey, I was really bummed not to hear from you before today regarding meeting up. I get some people don't take online dating very seriously. But I think the fact you forgot we even had a date says it all. Don't think it's going to work out. Enjoy the journey and take care."
> 
> He wrote me back immediately saying that he is super sorry to flake on me, and would really like the opportunity to make it up to me. I don't date online much and this hasn't happened to me before - in your experiences, is it worth it to give someone a second chance? I'm not a total hard-a$$, but I also don't want to waste my time.
> 
> FYI he is younger than me - hence why I let the whole texting thing slide. Usually I would want to talk on the phone before meeting up.
> 
> The options I am weighing:
> 
> A) Ignore the text and let it be.
> 
> B) Accept the apology and say he can call (not text) me if he wants to reschedule.
> 
> C)??????


*D) Move on! His excuse is totally lame, displaying either outright deception or textbook flakiness! You deserve far better out of a potential romantic interest!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT

I don't have anything against second chances..... but really, go with your gut. Your instinct says to just let this one go. Go with that.


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## 225985

How much younger is he if you are willing to accept his age as an excuse?


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## bravenewworld

blueinbr said:


> How much younger is he if you are willing to accept his age as an excuse?


6 years younger - in his late 20s. Used to dating people my own age or older.


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## bravenewworld

SunnyT said:


> I don't have anything against second chances..... but really, go with your gut. Your instinct says to just let this one go. Go with that.


I kind of want to give him a second chance, but for a shallow reason (he is hot.)


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## jdawg2015

He did not forget.....


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## Wolf1974

Wow lots of cynical people here. Having been the guy who forgot I think people are being really hard on this guy. It's one thing to be ghosted, it's another if he forgot or couldn't make a date. His reaction is about it is what matters most of all. He apologized, owned it, and set another date. Really nothing more he could do under the circumstances. Guess it's up to you want to give it another go. First dates/ meet ups mean so little I don't know why you wouldn't give him another shot.


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## jld

bravenewworld said:


> I kind of want to give him a second chance, but for a shallow reason (he is hot.)


_Look beyond the packaging . . ._


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## EnjoliWoman

Dates are exciting - the air of promise. If he forgot he had a date, he wasn't that excited. My first thought was he had a hotter opportunity - maybe a booty call that meant sex for sure instead of a maybe with you. Keeping commitments is pretty important. Everyone has a smart phone - you can put your date in there marked private. Things come up but there is no excuse to not send a quick text or email saying he had to go out of town unexpectedly and would like to reschedule. 

The only plausible excuse would be some family or work emergency that would wipe out all thoughts of prospective date.


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## BetrayedDad

I think you're being a "total hard ass" haha. Nothing ventured, nothing gained imo. If he's THAT apologetic then it seems sincere to me.

Why not go on the date? Worse case you don't click and that's the end of it. Best case you have a funny story to tell people about your first date.

It's plausible he forgot, I have. Many people have very busy lives and besides you have a friend whose vouching for him. That's HUGE.

At least you know he's not a creeper. OLD is full of creepers trolling for easy sex. That's my two cents. You really have nothing to lose.


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## Wolf1974

I think it also makes a difference that you know people in RL who actually know and Vouch for the guy. If they are telling you he just make a mistake I would think that should be reassurance for you


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## Wolf1974

EnjoliWoman said:


> Dates are exciting - the air of promise. If he forgot he had a date, he wasn't that *excited*. My first thought was he had a hotter opportunity - maybe a booty call that meant sex for sure instead of a maybe with you. Keeping commitments is pretty important. Everyone has a smart phone - you can put your date in there marked private. Things come up but there is no excuse to not send a quick text or email saying he had to go out of town unexpectedly and would like to reschedule.
> 
> The only plausible excuse would be some family or work emergency that would wipe out all thoughts of prospective date.


IMO It's never a great idea to put much into or get overlyexcited on a first date or first meet. I know you have been in the dating market for awhile and I'm sure your experience was the same as mine which is most first dates don't work out long term. When you start putting too much into the expectation of them you set yourself up for a lot of disappointment.

I would have a different reactions if he didn't apologize or immediately try to reschedule.


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## 225985

BetrayedDad said:


> OLD is full of creepers trolling for easy sex.


What is OLD?


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## 225985

bravenewworld said:


> 6 years younger - in his late 20s. Used to dating people my own age or older.


Jeez, only 6 years. Not enough difference there. I thought maybe you meant 15 years. 

Go on the date. 

BTW, If I had a date lined up, I would not have forgotten. But I suspect he probably is dating other women online too, as would be expected.


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## jld

blueinbr said:


> What is OLD?


On Line Dating?


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## EnjoliWoman

Wolf1974 said:


> IMO It's never a great idea to put much into or get overlyexcited on a first date or first meet. I know you have been in the dating market for awhile and I'm sure your experience was the same as mine which is most first dates don't work out long term. When you start putting too much into the expectation of them you set yourself up for a lot of disappointment.
> 
> I would have a different reactions if he didn't apologize or immediately try to reschedule.


OK so 'excited' might be a bit much - 'looking forward to'?

Maybe I'm old fashioned - I'm a stickler for keeping commitments. If I offer to help someone move, I mean it. It's a genuine offer and I show up. If I say I'll meet for drinks, I mean it. If I'm late, I will advise as soon as I can; same if I need to cancel or reschedule. I think that's just common courtesy. I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship if it starts out with being a forgotten appointment.

I don't forget my dentist appointments and those are entered into my calendar 6 months in advance.


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## BetrayedDad

blueinbr said:


> What is OLD?


OLD = Online Dating


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## joannacroc

Toss this one back. Maybe he did forget, maybe he had another date. Who knows. Either way, it doesn't show much consideration to be flaky on date 1. If this is what he's like at the very beginning, when people are the most charming version of themselves, what's he going to be like once you guys really know each other?


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## Wolf1974

EnjoliWoman said:


> OK so 'excited' might be a bit much - 'looking forward to'?
> 
> Maybe I'm old fashioned - I'm a stickler for keeping commitments. If I offer to help someone move, I mean it. It's a genuine offer and I show up. If I say I'll meet for drinks, I mean it. If I'm late, I will advise as soon as I can; same if I need to cancel or reschedule. I think that's just common courtesy. I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship if it starts out with being a forgotten appointment.
> 
> I don't forget my dentist appointments and those are entered into my calendar 6 months in advance.


Guess through my experience I have just learned to not put much expectations on it or into it, Even when a date is set I won't really even think it's going to happen until I confirm the day off. Just way to many instances of things coming up or people's plans change. My last 2 long term GF were both instances of "make-up" dates I'm glad I didn't miss out on either of them and gave the second chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife

The only reason that I would give him a chance is is contacted you and apologized.

If he'd been a flake he might have disappeared entirely. 

Whats the harm?


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## jorgegene

i forgot about my job interview yesterday............no big deal, give me another shot?

i don't think so. speaks to character.


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## ne9907

yes, deal breaker!!!


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## 225985

BetrayedDad said:


> OLD = Online Dating


Thanks. I guess I am too OLD to have known that.


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## momto2

From my experience with OLD the first date says a lot about the guy. I never forgot my dates even if plans were made a week or so in advance. I would maybe give him another chance. It is a good sign that he apologized. And really, looks aren't everything. At my age (37) I care less about looks and more about chemistry. I have had a lot of chemistry with guys that I didn't think were that cute in pictures. It sounds like you really want to meet up with him so I would do it. Good luck!


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## bravenewworld

I accepted his apology by telling him I'd give him the benefit of the doubt - this time. Since we haven't actually met in person, I didn't find him forgetting super insulting. Although it's definitely a red flag. 

He tried to reschedule right then but none of the dates worked on my end, so I asked him to call me when he gets into town and we'll figure it out. He thanked me for understanding and said he was looking forward to hanging out. Do I think he'll call? Maybe. But if not, that's okay. Met someone in real life at the farmer's market over the weekend, so it's not like I'm going to be at home twiddling my thumbs. 

Perhaps I'm being overly (or foolishly, some might say) optimistic, but at the same time, I feel like my eyes are wide open. We'll see what happens.


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## bravenewworld

jld said:


> _Look beyond the packaging . . ._


Intellectually, I agree with you.......

But realistically, I'm at a stage in my life where I find it very difficult not to rip open the package. Especially when it has a big pretty bow.


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## Wolf1974

bravenewworld said:


> I accepted his apology by telling him I'd give him the benefit of the doubt - this time. Since we haven't actually met in person, I didn't find him forgetting super insulting. Although it's definitely a red flag.
> 
> He tried to reschedule right then but none of the dates worked on my end, so I asked him to call me when he gets into town and we'll figure it out. He thanked me for understanding and said he was looking forward to hanging out. Do I think he'll call? Maybe. But if not, that's okay. Met someone in real life at the farmer's market over the weekend, so it's not like I'm going to be at home twiddling my thumbs.
> 
> Perhaps I'm being overly (or foolishly, some might say) optimistic, but at the same time, I feel like my eyes are wide open. We'll see what happens.


I would say you're definitely right track. You recognize it for what it is a red flag not a deal breaker. Hope the date goes well for you :grin2:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa

bravenewworld said:


> I accepted his apology by telling him I'd give him the benefit of the doubt - this time. Since we haven't actually met in person, I didn't find him forgetting super insulting. Although it's definitely a red flag.
> 
> He tried to reschedule right then but none of the dates worked on my end, so I asked him to call me when he gets into town and we'll figure it out. He thanked me for understanding and said he was looking forward to hanging out. Do I think he'll call? Maybe. But if not, that's okay. Met someone in real life at the farmer's market over the weekend, so it's not like I'm going to be at home twiddling my thumbs.
> 
> Perhaps I'm being overly (or foolishly, some might say) optimistic, but at the same time, I feel like my eyes are wide open. We'll see what happens.


More than fair way to handle it. If he does reschedule maybe you'll have a good story. 

My current GF backed out of our first date. Her excuse was better than 'forgetting', and she did give me some warning. She was a bit flaky on the reschedule so I picked a bar with a live band playing. Not ideal for first dates, but I figured if she no showed I could still enjoy the band, and if she showed up but was annoying I could tune her out and enjoy the band.


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## bravenewworld

Update: He didn't call me but continued to text regarding rescheduling - usually wanting to meet after work/late at night. Was that supposed to be "making it up to me?" 

Overall, it didn't feel right so I declined to meet. 

Meanwhile, the guy I met at the Farmer's Market is AWESOME. We've already gone on two super fun dates (movies, my fav sushi restaurant) and it's going really well. He's pretty much the opposite of a flake.


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## BetrayedDad

bravenewworld said:


> Update: He didn't call me but continued to text regarding rescheduling - usually wanting to meet after work/late at night. Was that supposed to be "making it up to me?"


He tries multiple times to reschedule and this bothers you? I really don't understand why you're offended. 



bravenewworld said:


> Overall, it didn't feel right so I declined to meet.


Yeah... probably for the best at this point. You made up your mind a while ago so no point in wasting everyone's time.



bravenewworld said:


> Meanwhile, the guy I met at the Farmer's Market is AWESOME. We've already gone on two super fun dates (movies, my fav sushi restaurant) and it's going really well. He's pretty much the opposite of a flake.


Congrats. Hope it works out. Word of caution. Fine line between eager and desperate. Hopefully, he's not needy. Good Luck.


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## bravenewworld

Well he didn't call like he SAID he would and instead proceeded to text me very late at night asking to meetup. Read between the lines - you know what that means.

Seems like you have an agenda - and some serious baggage. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.


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## BetrayedDad

bravenewworld said:


> Well he didn't call like he SAID he would and instead proceeded to text me very late at night asking to meetup. Read between the lines - you know what that means.


I sound like I have baggage?!? Pot meet kettle. Please tell me what that means that he texts instead of calls.... That he only wants sex?!? How late is late, I'm curious. 



bravenewworld said:


> Seems like you have an agenda - and some serious baggage. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.


I have an agenda LOL? News to me. This guy's a stranger and I think you're being uber hard on someone who owes you nothing. 

He wants to date you and you seem pissed. That's bizarre to me that's all.


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## Evinrude58

bravenewworld said:


> Intellectually, I agree with you.......
> 
> But realistically, I'm at a stage in my life where I find it very difficult not to rip open the package. Especially when it has a big pretty bow.


All in what you're looking for. Would I give some hotty a second chance if she asked?? Heck yes!
It's just a first date. 
However, I am SUPER observant. Even if they're a hotty, I wouldn't consider a relationship unless I get all the right checks on my subconscious "list". I'm sure everyone is like that, right?

Thing is, it's rare that I've found a "hotty" that is more than just a pretty face. They usually have been treated a certain way all their life and feel entitled to x,y, z. My ex was pretty attractive. I almost tend to steer clear of 'em now.
Luckily, I've found the one I think I must have. She "flaked" on me due to an email glitch and didn't return my email and I almost never met her. After about 2 weeks, I shot her an email because I was really interested in her (had lots of other casual attention at the time) and the rest is history. We've been dating almost a year and a half.

The theme of this ramble:

Hotties are mostly bad.
Second chances at a first date are good.


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## Evinrude58

I'm seeing her aversion to texting rather than calling, and wanting to meet late at night.
Wreaks of not placing a lot of value on the date other than a hookup.

However, a woman should understand that texting is easier than calling. Much lower stress level. Men are the ones risking the rejection. Men are the ones that are supposed to "impress" their dates.

If all he wants to do is meet up late at night, he's not valuing the date with you as much as he could be. If he was excited to meet you, he'd plan a nice dinner or something.
JMO,


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## BetrayedDad

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm seeing her aversion to texting rather than calling, and wanting to meet late at night.
> Wreaks of not placing a lot of value on the date other than a hookup.


If she's getting a 2am text to come to his house then I agree with this.



Evinrude58 said:


> However, a woman should understand that texting is easier than calling. Much lower stress level. Men are the ones risking the rejection. Men are the ones that are supposed to "impress" their dates.


I agree with this too. This guy's putting himself out there multiple times for a date, risking rejection, and all I see is irrational anger from her.

I think the location on her profile is very fitting.


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## MRR

bravenewworld said:


> I kind of want to give him a second chance, but for a shallow reason (he is hot.)


I know this thread is old and this has likely been resolved, but this right here says you are interested, and if you are, there are no rules. As far as 'wasting time' it can be 30-45 mins at a coffee shop, so no real issues there. 

personally, I would give it a chance but only because you WANT to. if I were kinda lukewarm, I might move on, but either way you are justified in doing either.


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## MRR

ok having read the whole thread, no problem with moving on. You don't owe him anything either, so if your feelings change no reason to go meet him.


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## dan13732

Option B. Stuff happens. He might be a nice guy. He might become a good friend. He might become the love of your life... who still drops the ball once in a while.

Or he might be a total loser/flake.

How can you tell if you don't meet him?

If your dance card is SO FULL with friends recommended by friends... well, then, ignore this advice.


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## Mclane

Not seeing what you have to lose by giving the guy 20 minutes of your time for a casual first time meetup.

Is your time so valuable, your schedule so rigid and full that you can't give him that much?

If so, then maybe you don't have the time needed to put into a relationship if the opportunity comes along.


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