# Ready to walk away...



## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

My husband is very kind and affectionate, and an excellent father. Very helpful around the house. And absolutely terrible with money. Very unmotivated financially. Very unwilling to do anything but the bare minimum financially. 

I've always worked full time, and I've always made more money. I used to work strictly from my home office, but this is no longer possible, and I now work from 6AM - 2PM, out of the house. (Everyone else in the office works 9-5, but I want to be home with my kids in the afternoon, so I wheedled my way into this schedule. I hate the idea of not being there for them, but recognize that I need to work.)

None of his financial shortcomings really used to bother me - I accepted that just wasn't his gift. BUT - last year when I was pregnant he had a mild EA, and all of the things that used to be no big deal, that I used to just overlook because he had so many good qualities - well, all of a sudden they're making me really angry, probably partly because everything seems to be financially escalating.

Whenever we have some kind of financial crisis (which is often), it is always up to me to figure out what to do - whether that is find another freelance job to take on, sell something on eBay - whatever. He does NOTHING about it. He just shrugs his shoulders. It drives me crazy.

We make plenty of money but our finances have always been a total mess. I agreed to take on a freelance job two weeks ago - a job that means I am staying up till about 2AM every night working on it, and then getting up at 5:30AM to go to work. I am exhausted, but it was worth it because I was going to use that money to pay off what we owe in back taxes.

So the other night I woke up when I heard our car alarm going off, and went out front to see that it was being REPOSSESSED. I knew nothing about it. My husband told me he "forgot" to make his car payment. For THREE MONTHS IN A ROW. When we had the money in the bank and could've paid it. So all of that money I was going to put toward bills ($3,000) - will now have to go for a used car for him, so that he can get to work. So every night I'm staying up late working, just seething over his irresponsibility. 

I FINALLY took over the bills. I don't know why I waited for so long. I realize it's nuts that I continued to go along with letting him be in charge of the bills. He just put such a big stake in having that be "his thing." It's bad enough that I make twice what he does, I didn't want to have that be yet another blow to his masculine pride or whatever. But I can't let him continue to run us into the ground. He is angry about it, thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I am just so tired. I am so tired of working so hard. I am exhausted all the time. I'm ready to have grown-up finances. I want to buckle down, pay off our bills one by one and be FREE OF IT, and he just refuses to go along with it. I've added up the numbers over and over and I would be better off financially WITHOUT him. 

When I talk to him about it he says victim stuff like, "I will never make enough money for you," or "go find yourself a rich husband then," as if that's what I wanted. I don't want to be rich. I don't care about that. I just want us to live within our means. 

He talks about going back to school, I tell him I think that's a great idea, I really do. We make plans and budgets for him to quit his job, and then - he does nothing. Doesn't apply to grad school, doesn't research anything, doesn't do anything. Just talks about it. 

When we fight about money he accepts no responsibility at all. He says my resentment will destroy our marriage, as though he has no role in why I feel this way. He doesn't acknowledge what he did to cause the anger, he just points at my anger as though that is the entire problem. He won't even try to see my points, he just automatically gets defensive. He won't go to counseling, thinks that will do nothing but stir up more trouble. I've threatened divorce, but he thinks I was just speaking out of anger.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk about it or fight about it now, there is no point. He doesn't get it. I just go about my business at home, don't fight, don't engage him. There is nothing else to say. 

I am mainly just in it for the kids at this point. I'm just so tired. I feel like a shell of my old self. 

And yes, I chose him. Fourteen years ago. But people change. Some people grow up, and some don't. I am tired of feeling like his mother.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I love him as a person, but I feel like a work horse, and if I stay with him he will work me into an early grave.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It sounds like he doesn't take what you say seriously because you're angry when you speak to him about this. Don't get me wrong, your anger is justifiable. I would be angry, too. But...if he thinks you're speaking out of anger, he's going to blow you off. And then when you just go about your business, because you're tired of fighting and trying, he thinks he was right and that you were just angry and now you're over it. 

What you need to do is sit down with him, when you are calm, and stay calm as you discuss it with him. Explain the stuff that you say here, try to say it in such a way that you don't sound insulting or accusatory. Explain that you feel like all the financial pressure is on you, and that you need him to take more responsibility for making money, or go back to school or something. Tell him that as it stands now, you've done the math and know that financially, you'd be better off divorcing him. Then tell him you love him and want to be with him, but that you will go with the financial better option if he doesn't change things. Give him a deadline to make a decision and do something. Explain that if he wants to go back to school, you've made the budgets, he can do it, but he needs to actually do it: research it, find a school, apply and then GO. Otherwise, he needs to find a job that pays better, or take a second job or whatever. 

Just remember: stay calm.


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## marilee (Jul 24, 2009)

I think that is exactly the problem. I don't know how to show him that I'm serious in any way that he will take seriously. He just doesn't take me seriously.

I always try to start out the conversation in a calm way, but he just shuts down and stops listening, immediately goes into defensive, "just divorce me then" mode and actual thoughtful conversation is impossible - I get more upset, he gets more defensive, and it turns into our standard argument. 

It gets to where we're both stomping around the house, and in order to stop the "fight" I end up apologizing and telling him I love him and "of course I don't want to divorce him". And then I sit there resenting him for a few more weeks. Pointless.

I hate fighting. I hate drama. I don't think we've ever had a fight that lasted for more than a day, because I can't tolerate it. But lately even when we aren't fighting I'm making any excuse to not have to be around him. 

I think you're right, I'm going to have to try to talk to him about it again. Calmly. 

I just feel like I know exactly what he is going to say, so what is the point.


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

your only hope is to leave him and hope he chases after you. tell him your threw explaining anything to him and that its his job to take on responsibility. Tell him to find a new doormat or at least make him think your leaving and go stay at your friends for 3 nights don't call him let him contact you and see what he has to say. If he doesn't apologize and give you any reason to believe him then im sorry to say things will only get worse. I truly believe you can never change a man, they have to want to change. You have to make him "want" to change.


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

Goodluck with trying, hate to blow your bubbles but when they've been that way for years its almost impossible for them to change except you completely severe the cord. You have to literally stop paying for everything, dont get him a car, dont pay his insurance, let them cut off his cell phone, stop picking up the pieces. So long as you continue to fill in the gaps he will never do it. Its a learned behaviour, its like the famous Pavlov theory. Talking is not going to do it. Take it from someone that has been doing it for 17yrs. Talking, crying, begging doesnt help. Pls read the book No more Mr Nice guy. They seem nice but they wear you down, waste your effort. Pls think about you and start setting your boundaries and stick to it.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

marilee said:


> I think that is exactly the problem. I don't know how to show him that I'm serious in any way that he will take seriously. He just doesn't take me seriously.
> 
> I always try to start out the conversation in a calm way, but he just shuts down and stops listening, immediately goes into defensive, "just divorce me then" mode and actual thoughtful conversation is impossible - I get more upset, he gets more defensive, and it turns into our standard argument.
> 
> ...


Let me know if your talking to him gets you anywhere. The problem is that we women try to talk too much. The problem with men is they are a certain way, and our talking doesn't help because they think if they listen to us, that they are letting us "tell them what to do." I am done talking with my husband. If he has been a certain way for 19 yrs. and hasn't changed after my trying to talk to him and point out where he is wrong, then he isn't going to change now. Talking to a man is usually a big waste of your time. I think you need to go to counseling together, so that you can have a counselor tell him he is wrong...so he can hear it from someone else, and see that it is not just YOU, but other people that sees that he needs to change.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*It is not only men who don't listen*

Marilee and others,

It is pointless, quick summary, move on with your life, there are men like me who will be looking for you, but I think most of us are grabbed up very quickly. 

I'm with you, a spouse who doesn't listen isn't worth holding on to, after a long while one stops trying, knowing nothing will change.

Like you I hate drama, I hate arguments (my parents argued 77+ times a day, I couldn't stand it), I've been faithful for every day we've been together despite flagrant offers from younger and cuter women, kept on loving, kept on trying to connect, but I have not succeeded and am making plans to divorce and leave. Today I had the talk, she was shocked that I used divorce.

I, too, can't stay angry for any length of time, but I've given up. No matter what I say, whether I say it very reasonably, very rationally, or angrily, I get yes, I made a mistake, I'll change, I'll do X, but nothing changes for more than a few days. Her behavior is so disappointing, I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick a football.

You wrote about his being childish, the same happens here, only the child's gender is female.

These days I enjoy when she works late, I prepare dinner as I did in happier years, now I have the leftovers for lunch.

Women don't always listen, don't know how many billion times a day we tell our wives what we want, our wants gets ignored until they fester and we leave.

In my household I'm the one who talks, listens, and responds, my wife is wrapped up someplace where she hears much different requests than lets make love, though I've given up on that, its pointless, says "yes, cleaning the kitty litter every 4th day is my job, yes, paying the electric bill is my job, yes, cleaning my junk out of the living room after its there for two + years .... ", I get more yeses than are in a press run of the Merriam Webster dictionary, they do me just as much good as dropping an unabridged dictionary on my toe. OUCH !

Mark


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Sadly I am in a similar situation. I've worked my tail off since the beginning of our marriage and he's just slacked off. He's never really kept up his fair share and when he does have the means, he usually just blows the money. He's not interested in progressing our lives beyond a meager exsistence. As long as we can pay the bills, he's fine - even if that means having no savings in the bank and living in an apartment that's too small for our family. 

So, I've decided to do what luvintoyko is proposing. I had a discussion with him last week in which I informed him that after I left for maternity leave, I would not be returning to work. I told him that I was going to let him take the head of our house and it was up to him sink or swim. If he comes to me for advice, I'm just going to say "I'm sure you'll figure something out" and keep on doing what I'm doing. I'm not going to be stressed out anymore about how to pay this bill or that. I'm going to take care of my house and my children and let him figure out the rest because frankly I'm tired. I'm worn out and I'm not doing it anymore. 

We'll see how he does. I am confident that he will take things much more seriously once he doesn't have me for a crutch.


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