# Received this letter. Do you think my husband cheated?



## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

I just received the following anonymous letter to my parents address.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I don't know, but I don't think you should dismiss the letter. I would suggest that you do all the due diligence to find solid evidence before you confront him, because this is something he could easily deny - and if he is having an A, it will make it that much more difficult to catch him. VAR's, cell phone spyware, combing through your cell phone records, key logger on his computer; all are fair game now. You'll get a lot of help here with that.

As a final resort if you come up with nothing otherwise; you could consider asking him to take a polygraph.

Keep posting and good luck.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

What about someone that is fond of you trying to sabotage your husband. I just think after reading the thing about the text message, that someone is being very evil and trying to sabotage.

Like prior poster said though, do your due diligence.


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

There is someone that is fond of me


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One other thing PHi,

If you do catch him, don't listen to the idiot who sent the letter - about how to handle it. They don't know what they're talking about.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Don't shrug off the letter just yet. Don't tell your H about it either, yet. Take some time to try and figure out who sent the letter if you can. In the mean time, keep a close eye on your H. Does he keep his phone close at all times? Does he have to work "late" or go in on his days off? Does he have any new female friends you aren't aware of? 

The previous poster is right, you should do some digging before dismissing the letter. Better safe than sorry. I am not sure why someone would want to do something like that to intentionally harm a marriage so it's worth checking into.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What a d!ck thing to do. The person who sent that letter. After coming off so "this is in your best interest--don't get divorced like me" then they have the nerve to say "the who/what/when/where" is irrelevant. AS IF. That stuff means everything, too. 

Is there any chick who is married who your hubs hangs with? Also, that is weird about all the pranking? And no name/return address? WEIRD. How long ago did you move from your parents'? How long have you been married?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

The other woman sent it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> The other woman sent it.


That was my very first thought.

Unless it's a total hoax which is cruel.


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

We have been married a few months.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> The other woman sent it.


This could be very true.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

The other woman:

Would know your husband's name
Would know you two are married
Would know where you live
Could've looked in his phone for your parent's address or googled it.
Is in the area, so the postmark would be nearby.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Any other red flags?

- Guarding cell phone?

- Locked passwords on communication devices?

- Unaccounted for time?

- Unexplained texting or time on computer?

- Talked about any woman at work?

- Change in grooming or work out habits?

- Less (or more) interested in sex?

- Less affectionate?

- Boy's nights out?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not sure why they would put the Arabic things in quotes UNLESS the person who sent it is NOT Arabic.

And whoever it is knows you or enough about you to dish the bolded info:



PHi said:


> I just received the following anonymous letter to *my parents address.*
> 
> "Assalamu alayki
> 
> ...


Creepy creepers. I hate people. Sorry.

Also, I hate that they are incorporating religion to it--oh forgive so that you can be rewarded. Sick [email protected]@holes.

The writing--sounds like a woman wrote that. That is just my intuition. (Woman's intuition). 

It comes off as sanctimonious and that is the problem I have w/ that letter.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said your best friend also got married 6 months ago. I hate to go there but... has your bf ever asked weird around your husband and vice versa.

The putting the Arabic words in quotes is really getting my goat for some reason. Is your best friend of your ethnicity? Or of another?

Work colleague? (Your husband's?)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHi said:


> We have been married six months. Moved mid September. The postcode on the back of the envelope is the area I live in now.


Ok so it's someone who lives IN your area or sent it from your area who had to know your parents' address...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Oh, I forgot that the writer claims to be the OW's mother or father. That could absolutely be true.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok so it's someone who lives IN your area or sent it from your area who had to know your parents' address...


All someone would have to do is open a Spokeo account and put the OP's name in and get her previous address, which is her parent's address.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You said your best friend also got married 6 months ago. I hate to go there but... has your bf ever asked weird around your husband and vice versa.
> 
> The putting the Arabic words in quotes is really getting my goat for some reason. Is your best friend of your ethnicity? Or of another?
> 
> Work colleague? (Your husband's?)


I'm wondering if the OP speaks Arabic or if the writer speaks it. If the OP doesn't then she just needs to figure out who around her husband speaks it.


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

My best friend didn't get married six months ago, not sure where you got that from.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Oh, I forgot that the writer claims to be the OW's mother or father. That could absolutely be true.


Yes. And it could also be false.

Sorry OP, I thought you said your best friend got married 6 months ago. I must have misread that.

If this is you co-worker dude friend playing a game/prank on you, that is extremely messed up. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who kept pranking me about my marriage.

Whoever it is knows your parents' address (obviously) and they took great pains to make sure that letter did not arrive at your marital home.

I want to strangle whoever sent that. Cause it could be true and they are being pvssies about it and not saying who it is and coming across as all sanctimonious; or it could be FALSE and they could be trying to stir up trouble in your new marriage. Such a jerk thing to do!


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

I'm curious as to why your marriage is such a big secret? Most people I know getting married these days are shouting it from the rooftops via Facebook, Twitter, etc. I'm also led to believe that your relationship was long distance since you said you moved after you got married.

My bet would be that the sender is/was a female "friend" of your husband that he was either emotionally involved with, ex-girlfriend, or a 'friend' in a one-sided Emotional Affair (i.e. she secretly longs for him). I could be a situation similar to this thread - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54218-emotional-affair-im-ow.html
where she thinks of herself as his #1 friend and can't believe he's getting married to someone so ill suited for him.

Either way, at least one person is out to stir up trouble in your new marriage.

I would start by taking an inventory of your husband's friends and find out who on his side knows about your marriage.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

PHi said:


> There is someone that is fond of me and told me that they are but they don't know I'm married or my husbands name. They also don't know where I've moved to and the letter was sent from my new area.


Never discount what a stalker is capable of.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

PHi said:


> I didn't suspect my new husband of cheating but I am suspicious now. Do you think he might be cheating?


In a word - no.

Not based on the letter as it appears that "someone" has been pranking you. You "assume" that nobody knows when you got married, your parents addresses and a few other details, however, if you have a stalker, there is much information to be found on the internet to be able to pull off a stunt like this.

This letter is allegedly from a mother whose daughter was allegedly having an affair with your spouse. One would assume, if true, that somehow "mother" found out, and you don't know who this daughter is nor have any evidence on your end that your spouse cheated.

Don't buy into it. Someone wants to break up your marriage and/or cause friction in your marriage. Who would do such a thing? Start there. Show the letter to your husband and tell him about those other "pranks". Let him help you sort it out and find out what is behind this nonsense.

And don't accuse your husband of cheating based solely on this letter.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I also got the gut read that it seemed to be written by a woman. And also that it might not be a prank. I'd start trying to figure out what's going on. 

Finding your parents address is child's play so easily done if the know your name. They did want to be sure you got it (had to be signed for)

When my BIL was cheating on my sister. The other woman called my parents house when they were on their honeymoon! She asked for my sister..."not here". She said, give her a message her husband is cheating on her.

My parents didn't know what to do. I had to be the messenger, they were divorced within 6 months. It was completely true.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> In a word - no.
> 
> Not based on the letter as it appears that "someone" has been pranking you. You "assume" that nobody knows when you got married, your parents addresses and a few other details, however, if you have a stalker, there is much information to be found on the internet to be able to pull off a stunt like this.
> 
> ...


Might want to do some research first, find out if the husband is doing anything suspicious before letting him in on an excuse (pranks).. Get all the information before jumping to conclusions in a situation such as this one. I would be suspicious of what you describe, but would want to verify without letting anyone know. 

I found the parent info for my wifes OM and his girlfriend from doing a simple background check, I think it cost $2 or something like that.. Not hard to find a person if they're not in the federal witness protection program.


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

I think I should also mention my husband uses a different name


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## Iloveprada (Nov 22, 2013)

I went through this exact situation with my now husband. I received an anonymous letter stating they found my address by my personalized license plates on my car and that my then boyfriend was cheating on me. At the time he was working full time and going to night school. What was creepy is that the letter stated I was at home babysitting his 2 boys while I thought he was at school but he was in fact cheating. That was almost 4 years ago and I still have no answer who sent it. I confronted his ex wife who denied it and I actually called my now husband on the carpet on it. Just don't dismiss the letter and trust your instincts. Do a little checking when you can if it will make you feel better but I would suspect it may be someone who wants you and is trying to break up your marriage. Best of luck to you


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is there anyone that came to your mind when you read the letter? Any first ideas about who it could have been?


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

There are people who came to mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Not sure why they would put the Arabic things in quotes UNLESS the person who sent it is NOT Arabic.


I believe that PHi put quotes around the entire letter in her OP. That's why the first and last characters of the letter part is quotes ("). They just happen to be near Arabic words. The Arabic words are not in quotes. 


The part....

"The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But if someone pardons and puts things right, his reward is with Allah." [Qur'an, 42:40]

is quoted as it's a direct quote from the Qur'an.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The part....
> 
> "The repayment of a bad action is one equivalent to it. But if someone pardons and puts things right, his reward is with Allah." [Qur'an, 42:40]
> 
> is quoted as it's a direct quote from the Qur'an.


I know that it is a direct quote from the Qur'an. I was simply stating that the letter referencing that quote has a sanctimonious air to it. Like, Oh, by the way I am trying to stir up trouble in your life/marriage but if you forgive, you will be rewarded.

It stinks.


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl is correct.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

I just noticed one more thing that is strange about this letter, it offers up no details of the affair, proof, or suggestion on how you can verify for yourself. If this were real, the sender should have offered up something 'concrete' such as, "Ask your husband where he was on Tuesday, 3 September between 6 - 8 PM." or "They meet on Thursdays at the gym [name of the gym]." or "Check his Facebook for a friend named, "OW's Name here" or he uses a secret email account and that email account is __________.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I know that it is a direct quot from the Qur'an. I was simply stating that the letter referencing that quote has a sanctimonious air to it.


Yes it seems to be sanctimonious, but I know many Muslims who talk like this. I could see an older woman talking to a younger woman giving her advice and using the Qur'an to back up her advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHi said:


> The prank text was more explosive than this letter. To me this letter comes across like someone in my community who values marriage. Is it conceivable that someone trying to ruin my marriage would write this type of message?


You bet. They could just be sugar-coating it in a way to make you THINK they actually care about your marriage when all they are doing is trying to stir up trouble.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

damagedgoods1 said:


> I just noticed one more thing that is strange about this letter, it offers up no details of the affair, proof, or suggestion on how you can verify for yourself. I_.


Agreed. They even stated that the details "Who/what/when/where" are irrelevant. To me, that is one of the biggest a55hole things they did. Like, "Hey, I am going to drop acid on your life and not tell you the details about it." 

Grr.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would say that there is a good possibility that he’s cheating.

Many times people want to inform the betrayed spouse (BS) that an affair is going on but they are afraid that they will lost something if they tell. For example a friend might fear that you will never talk to them again if they tell you about the affair. Or a co-worker of your husband’s might be concerned that he/she would have problems on their job if they inform you.

If I were you, I would not show this letter to your husband yet. Whether or not he is cheating, I would need to seek to prove him innocent or not for my own peace of mind. 

If you show it him now he will deny it whether he is cheating or not. So you will always have some doubt about him and this will hurt your marriage.

The first thing I would do is to look at the bill for his cell phone and see if there is a number that he talks to or texts with often.

Does he have a password on the cell phone?


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

I don't think so.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The first thing I would do is to look at the bill for his cell phone and see if there is a number that he talks to or texts with often.


This is what I would suggest, too. 

Is he weird about his phone/always has it with him/takes it everywhere he goes?

If he is cheating, and say the OW mailed it, it could be because he called it off w/ her and now she is retaliating so he may not even be in touch with her.

Or it could all be lies, too!

Grr.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Agreed. They even stated that the details "Who/what/when/where" are irrelevant. To me, that is one of the biggest a55hole things they did. Like, "Hey, I am going to drop acid on your life and not tell you the details about it."
> 
> Grr.


The basic theme of the letter is that the affair is Phi's fault. That if she just would change things about herself and her part of the marriage he will magically stop cheating and they will go on to have a wonderful marriage. It's a very common way of thinking.

My guess is that the writer has heard PHi's husband's complaints about their relationship. Cheaters usually do talk about real/imagined flaws of their spouse. So the writer buys into the idea that PHi needs to fix herself.

As we know, that at this point (assuming there is an affair) no matter how wonderful PHi is and works to become it will not make her husband wake up and say "oh gee PHi is wonderful, I'll dump the OW". 

Taking this at face value that the writer is the OW's mother, she does not want to get herself or her daughter involved. Of course if it's the


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHi said:


> I don't think so.


You do not think what?


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

That there is a password on his phone. Sorry should have made that clearer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The basic theme of the letter is that the affair is Phi's fault.


Oh I so agree.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHi said:


> That there is a password on his phone. Sorry should have made that clearer.


Do you have access to the cell phone bill? Have you checked it yet to see if there is a number that he talks/texts with often?

See if you can get his cell phone when he is unaware and check for calls and texts. See what you find there.


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

I can imagine that some people in my community would think that it's my fault. I'll probably feel that way myself if it turns out to be true.

I don't have access to his phone bill.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This:

_*I have strong reason to believe your husband has been sleeping with my married daughter.

Finding out that [my husbands name] has cheated on you now*, in this way, lets you reflect on things without rushing into confrontation. The who, where and when is irrelevant, you need to be concentrating on the why._

Notice it FIRST says they have "strong reason to believe" and then later it's "finding out that he's cheated on you"

Well, which is it?

Then this: 

_Take some time out to forgive and then *work to strengthen your relationship so that it doesn't happen again*_

Gross! Blame PHi is all I am getting from that. If she would try harder then this wouldn't have happened.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHi said:


> I can imagine that some people in my community would think that it's my fault. I'll probably feel that way myself if it turns out to be true.


Why? Seriously? It's not your fault anything anyone else chooses to do. People are responsible for their own actions.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

PHi said:


> It was sent to my parents address, where I used to live, in my name using delivery which had to be signed for.


Have you tried to check with the post office about this delivery confirmation request to see if they can verify the sender? Since it has delivery confirmation by requiring a signature, then someone paid extra for this service to insure it got to you. This is what would make me worry, as if it were a prank would they really care that it made it that much to pay extra???

Have you tried to track online through the post office using the delivery confirmation information on the envelope (it should be there) as that may be a possibility as well to find out more about the origination or sender?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHi said:


> I can imagine that some people in my community would thing that. I'll probably feel that way myself if it turns out to be true.


There are some things to keep in mind...

You both have responsibility for the state of your marriage. In most marriages, it's about 50/50 responsibility. In marriages where there are things like abuse (physical/emotional), addictions, serious neglect.. the spouse doing these things has a larger portions of the fault for marital problems.

But the choice to cheat is 100% the fault of the cheater. No matter what is wrong with a marriage, there is a better way to handle it. Cheating never solves marital problems. Its an escape.

If there is a problem in your marriage, he could have chosen to talk to you and fix it. Or he could have chosen divorce if it cannot be fixed.

There is never a good reason for cheating.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If you google this post, there are three additional entries in the Internet word per word.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHi said:


> I don't have access to his phone bill.


So now the question is why don't you have access to his phone bill?

Since I don't know what country you live in, I don't know the marriage laws. But I would think that in most countries, a bill made by one spouse is the responsibility of the other spouse.

Where does he get his bills delivered? Do they come to your home? to his office? does he do it all electronically?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Why? Seriously? It's not your fault anything anyone else chooses to do. People are responsible for their own actions.


Agreed that it is not her fault, but if the sender is an older devout Muslim, sometimes the beliefs for that society are that the females are essentially property and their sole purpose in life is to wait on their husbands. Never to question their actions, beliefs, or feelings, but to respond solely to their wants, needs, and desires.


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## sedona (Oct 10, 2013)

I say be quiet and watch your husband. 

It is not an OW mother, what mother would narc out her daughter like that to a BS who might very well go crazy on her? 

The person has not been cheated on, no true BS would put that kind of nonsense like "it doesn't matter who it is". 

How do you know there are no muslims around your husband? Think about this one carefully. I have spent a lot of time in the middle east and around muslims, a lot of time. I can assure you that there are lots of muslims who don't fit the stereotypical look of dark hair/eyes/conservative. There are blue eyed/blond muslims maybe 2nd generation muslims who do not appear muslim but maybe grew up in a muslim family, and they would know those quotes. There are muslim women who dress very liberal and drink and don't really practice it that much. That's just an example. I'm just wondering how you are sure there are no muslims around your husband. Look carefully. Anyone with an "evil eye" emblem hanging from their computer or their rear view mirror in their car? things like that. 

It's all very weird. I would definitely be quiet and watch. I say it's either a stalker or the OW. If it's the OW then she's desperate, she wants DDay, she'll do something else, because she will hear whether or not you told your H about it, she is probably waiting for him to call her in a panic telling her about the letter. If he says nothing, she will get nervous. She won't know what's going on. She'll make another move. 

That's my two cents. Creepy story.


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

I have posted it in more than one place. I'm interested in as many peoples views as possible.


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## sedona (Oct 10, 2013)

mablenc said:


> If you google this post, there are three additional entries in the Internet word per word.


Aw great, I always get sucked into a captivating story!! lol
Eh, it was a good entertaining read at least.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mablenc said:


> If you google this post, there are three additional entries in the Internet word per word.


I found two other sites.. enotalone and ummah

The third one at omgili just points to the post on ummah

They were all posted today. Seeking advice from more than one site makes sense.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

sedona said:


> Aw great, I always get sucked into a captivating story!! lol
> Eh, it was a good entertaining read at least.


She has apparently posted it in several similar forums. She is the kind of person who asks for advice, doesn't have a firm inner compass to know what to do with this. Give her a break. She's asking for help.

Me, I'd quietly and quickly hire a PI. 

I would probably also tell my parents. The older I get, the more surprised I am at how helpful they are and how helpful they might have been in heading off disaster--had I given them the chance sooner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> Have you tried to ch*eck with the post office about this delivery confirmation request to see if they can verify the sender*? Since it has delivery confirmation by requiring a signature, then someone paid extra for this service to insure it got to you.
> 
> Have you tried to t*rack online through the post office using the delivery confirmation information* on the envelope (it should be there) as that may be a possibility as well to find out more about the origination or sender?


I WOULD DO THIS FIRST. STAT. 



sedona said:


> Creepy story.


I agree. I don't know why but this story is giving me the heebie jeebies.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHi, on the other site it said your name is Phil. And on another site it starts out saying "Do you think my wife cheated."

Are you messing with us?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I found two other sites.. enotalone and ummah
> 
> The third one at omgili just points to the post on ummah
> 
> They were all posted today. Seeking advice from more than one site makes sense.


All I did was point it out.


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## PHi (Nov 22, 2013)

No I genuinely received this letter, starting to wish I hadn't posted it online now though. Wanted to get as broad a view as possible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you a dude? Cause the one was asking if your wife cheated..not husband...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And it's gone now...

(the original post in this thread)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I found 3 places that it was posted with "husband"

And I found 2 with "wife" in the first sentence but cannot actually find the post on those sites.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Come back!! We do want to help you, we are just confused as to why you posted wife and then husband... and the name is a man's name on one site.. Phi was Phil. We are not bad, I promise you, but we are curious as to why the differing stories. We want to help you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHi said:


> No I genuinely received this letter, starting to wish I hadn't posted it online now though. Wanted to get as broad a view as possible.


If it true, then you have no reason to wish you had not posted it and should repost it.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I wish someone had alerted me as to my exH's behavior. Now I wonder if they did, but I got all skeptical and spooked about it the way the OP and the responses here show.

It is hard to accept some things, much less know how to deal with them, when they come at you out of left field like this. 

Looking back over my own history, I now think it's reasonable to accept that smoke = fire, and that victims (BS's) often end up blamed for their own ignorance. We fail to honor our own gut instincts. In the end, it's ourselves and our conscience we have to live with and it speaks to us on that gut level. I wish I had listened sooner (to my uneasy feelings) and not been so quick to accuse myself of overreacting.

When my marriage fell apart after 16 years, I looked back and saw the signs were all there.... my ability to process them, not so much. 

That's why I wish I had talked to my parents. And why I remind my own daughters: It's always okay to talk to Mom; I've been through a lot, and I want the best for you. 

I laud the OP for asking for advice. And I encourage her to go with her gut feelings. Intuition in these matters can be incredibly on target.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

There are nasty people who stir up trouble for no other reason than they are troublemakers. This is a real possibility. The lack of a signature on the letter, the lack of a name or even initials of the woman who is supposedly having the affair - these things point to this option.

But, there COULD be something to it. Some snooping wouldn't hurt.


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