# Struggling sexless marriage, don't know what to do??



## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

I have been married to my beautiful wife for over 15 years. We have 3 beautiful kids and both have successful jobs. I compare our relationship to a chocolate cake. We have all of the ingredients to make a great cake, but we are missing the chocolate! By chocolate, i mean sex! My wife has absolutely no sex drive. We have struggled with this for 15 years. I feel like it has gotten to the point where we have compromised. Well, i compromise by simply not getting any! The last time we had sex was over 3 months ago. It was, in my opinion, purely out of guilt and fulfilling her wifely duties. Believe me when I say, that is not the way I want it. Usually, when we have sex, it is a quickie or as plain jane as you can, just so that it is over as quickly as possible. In the past, i have been able to give her an orgasm, but it usually requires toys, or oral. Now, it has gotten to a point where she doesn't allow me to give her oral and using the toys is a seldom thing. I love having sex with my wife, but I am at the point now where I am sick and tired of having to beg for it and the constant rejection. I absolutely do not want to leave her and i refuse to cheat on my wife, but i am really in a place where i don't know what to do! Is there anyone else out there with the same issue that has found a solution??


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

More info needed. Two questions to start with, have you actually talked to her and told her how you feel, and do you suspect she's getting her sexual needs met elsewhere?


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## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

We have had hundreds of conversations about this. Sometimes the discussion would seem to help, sometimes it would turn into an argument. She has even stated to me several times that she fears that her lack of desire is going to lead to me leaving her! So, yes, i think we have had plenty of conversation about this. I have made it very clear my desire to have a physical relationship with her and that i did not want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship. 

I may be naive or just plain blind, but i do not believe that my wife would cheat on me. She doesn't have the interest in sex, so I don't think she would go elsewhere to find something that she really has no desire for.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

TexasGuy said:


> We have had hundreds of conversations about this. Sometimes the discussion would seem to help, sometimes it would turn into an argument. She has even stated to me several times that she fears that her lack of desire is going to lead to me leaving her! So, yes, i think we have had plenty of conversation about this. I have made it very clear my desire to have a physical relationship with her and that i did not want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship.
> 
> I may be naive or just plain blind, but i do not believe that my wife would cheat on me. She doesn't have the interest in sex, so I don't think she would go elsewhere to find something that she really has no desire for.


How was her sex drive prior to marriage with you? With past lovers (if any)? How many long-term relationships before you (longer than six months) did she have?

Does she have any past trauma in her life sexually, such as abuse?


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## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

bbdad

I know it sounds horrible, but i am glad i am not the only one out there with this issue. I just wish there was a magical solution!! I completely agree with the paying for best friend and her not having to get physical! Thanks for the advice!


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## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

kingsfan,

When we were dating, the sex was fantastic! We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. As soon as we married, its like a switch went off and her desire completely shut down. I have always thought of it as a bait and switch type thing. Once, she had the ring on her finger, the need to satisfy me physicall completely went away!

She had several boyfriends, what i would consider, long-term relationships before me. Most of them were complete jerks. I am not aware of any abuse in the past, although, the way a couple of these guys treated her, i wouldn't be suprised if there was some verbal or even physical abuse that has caused some of the problem.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Have you told her that divorce is not an option?

if not, don't. I'm not advising divorce, only that you don't remove it from the table in her mind. It does you no good to tell her you won't divorce if the sex life doesn't improve.

Has she offered any reasoning on why she is so adverse to sex with you?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sex is your number 1 emotional needs. It makes you feel loved, fulfilled and happy in your marriage.

What are the things that make your wife feel loved, fulfilled and happy in her marriage?


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## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

I have told her that i did not want to go through divorce at all, but i have not completely ruled it out and i think she knows it.

In all of the conversations we have had about this, I have stated multiple times that I felt like her lack of desire was a direct indication of how she felt about me. I have expressed to her that i do not believes she completely loves me because if she did, she would want to satisfy me physically as well as allow me to satisfy her. She completely denies this and state that she loves me with all her heart, and that her lack of desire is just that, a lack of desire.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

TexasGuy said:


> I love having sex with my wife, but I am at the point now where I am sick and tired of having to beg for it and the constant rejection.


Never beg. It makes you feel awful and it makes your wife want you less.


TexasGuy said:


> I absolutely do not want to leave her and i refuse to cheat on my wife, but i am really in a place where i don't know what to do!


Well, you haven't left yourself much of an option. If you won't leave her and you won't cheat on her, then it really doesn't matter what she does. Since you're going to remain faithful in the marriage, she has less motivation to make you happy. If she knew that you would either cheat, or leave her, she would be more motivated to keep you happy.


TexasGuy said:


> Is there anyone else out there with the same issue that has found a solution??


I was. I found Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and it worked wonders for my marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

TexasGuy said:


> kingsfan,
> 
> When we were dating, the sex was fantastic! We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. As soon as we married, its like a switch went off and her desire completely shut down. I have always thought of it as a bait and switch type thing. Once, she had the ring on her finger, the need to satisfy me physicall completely went away!
> 
> .


It's not bait and switch. But it should help you undertand the key to your wife's sexuality... which is (drumrolll please)...

She needs to permit herself to feel sexual. She could permit herself to feel sexual when it was a matter of attaining a man to marry. Once she attained a man to marry, she lost the "excuse" she was using to allow herself to feel sexual.

Ultimately, she will not feel sexual unless she understands that it is necessary to keep her life.

And, before you make her understand that sex is necessary to keep her life, you need to give he a life worth keeping... See my first post.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

TexasGuy said:


> I have told her that i did not want to go through divorce at all, but i have not completely ruled it out and i think she knows it.
> 
> In all of the conversations we have had about this, I have stated multiple times that I felt like her lack of desire was a direct indication of how she felt about me. I have expressed to her that i do not believes she completely loves me because if she did, she would want to satisfy me physically as well as allow me to satisfy her. She completely denies this and state that she loves me with all her heart, and that her lack of desire is just that, a lack of desire.


What she doesn't understand is the concept of Love Languages. She trasmits love to you in the way she wants to receive it herself... Which is why she thinks you would feel loved and happy. She's sending, but you are not receiving.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Mine isnt as bad as the OPs situation....yet. I feel once i'm married as long as he is, it will be.

Take last night. She was to tired for sex and didnt want to go to bed late if we had sex. 

She stayed up late anyways....to finish watching the oscars. So having sex isnt a good reason to stay up late and wake up tired but finding out live who won best picture is....when it was over and told her lets have sex....she said hell no its to late and turned over and went to bed.

Yeah, i'm not to happy today. screw her


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

TexasGuy said:


> I have told her that i did not want to go through divorce at all, but i have not completely ruled it out and i think she knows it.
> 
> In all of the conversations we have had about this, I have stated multiple times that I felt like her lack of desire was a direct indication of how she felt about me. *I have expressed to her that i do not believes she completely loves me because if she did, she would want to satisfy me physically as well as allow me to satisfy her.* She completely denies this and state that she loves me with all her heart, and that her lack of desire is just that, a lack of desire.


I would have said "If you loved me, you'd want to be with me, because people who love someone desire them"

It's not about satisfying each other, it's about desiring each other. You want to have sex with your wife, but not because you want to satisfy her (yeah you want that too, but that's not the main reason). It's because you desire her, crave her, feel a need for her. She's not an item on the to-do list (must satisfy wife today....) but rather something you desire and crave for. 

You don't want to eat that greasy hamburger so you'll feel full, you want to eat that greasy hamburger because it tastes so damn awesome and you love how it makes you feel. Same with sex with your wife, only it adds a lot more to it than just a sexual release and to be 'satisfied.' It adds in closeness, acceptance, compassion, love, a feeling of being attractive and desireable, etc. There are so many feelings that go beyond just getting your rocks off.

Have you tried explaining how you feel before, during and after sex with her?

You've put in 15 years trying to fix this and you've likely built up a lot of resentment. Have you considered a two week seperation? Sleeping in seperate bedrooms? Discussing an open marriage?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

TexasGuy said:


> I may be naive or just plain blind, but i do not believe that my wife would cheat on me. She doesn't have the interest in sex, so I don't think she would go elsewhere to find something that she really has no desire for.


Most men have the same attitude. If our wives don't want sex with us, they must not want sex at all. But that doesn't follow at all. Your wife may have a perfectly healthy libido. It's just directed toward other men, rather than toward you.

Step 1 in dealing with a spouse with little or no libido is to rule out an affair. And I don't mean to reflexively insist that your wife isn't the kind of person to cheat on you. There are numerous spouses on the Coping With Infidelity board who were equally sure their spouses would never cheat. Until they caught them cheating.

We know that your wife has no problem being cruel to you. Forcing you to be celibate for months at a time is cruel. Even if she has no sexual desire, she could suck it up and take on for the team in order to give you some release. Trust me, it's a short trip from being dismissive of your physical needs to cheating.

So check her phone records. Check her email and Facebook activity. Check her credit card statements. If you find suspicious activity, come back or post on the Coping With Infidelity board to get further advice.

Good luck.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I agree with PHTLump. She very well may not be cheating, but if you can check you might as well do so and rule it out. No harm in doing so (just don't get caught).


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

TexasGuy said:


> As soon as we married, its like a switch went off and her desire completely shut down. I have always thought of it as a bait and switch type thing.


Bait and switch is uncommon, but it happens. Usually, the desire gradually fades. In your case, it may be a bait and switch.



TexasGuy said:


> She had several boyfriends, what i would consider, long-term relationships before me. Most of them were complete jerks.


One possibility that explains your predicament is that your wife is attracted to jerks. However, she understands that a jerk will not make a good husband and father over the long term. So, she found a nice guy to marry. But, she can't just decide to be attracted to nice guys. She lusts for jerks, and you're just not doing it for her.


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## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

She loves being secure financially, she loves being a mom, and she likes being loved. If I didn't make such a big deal about having sex, i truly believe she would feel satisfied with the relationship.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Does she work? How old are your kids?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When you first meet, date, you usually have a lot of crazy sex. Then you get married, have kids, get older, gained unwanted body weight. The sex does go down due to work, raising kids, and the stress of life. Some people get "comfy" and don't want or think sex is important anymore. That's when the issues start.

A sexual compromise must be met 50 / 50. So a HD guy who wants sex every day and got it before the kids, still wants it as often. If the wife has a LD, kids, doesn't feel sexy due to gained weight, stress of life, she still has to meet him half way, instead of once every few months or even years. A healthy compromise would be sex 3+ times each week. Not too much for her, but not nothing for him either, regardless of jobs or kids.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

TexasGuy said:


> I may be naive or just plain blind, but i do not believe that my wife would cheat on me. She doesn't have the interest in sex, so I don't think she would go elsewhere to find something that she really has no desire for.


Famous last words my friend, famous last words.

I'm not saying she is, but believe me, she's capable of it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

TexasGuy said:


> She completely denies this and state that she loves me with all her heart, and that her lack of desire is just that, a lack of desire.


That is possible. However, it is unusual for a lack of desire to manifest immediately after the wedding. So she may well have been faking her desire before the wedding.

But, it is possible that she has physical reasons for a lack of libido. The most common for a relatively young woman is taking Prozac or another SSRI. SSRIs can lead to sexual dysfunction as a side effect. Hormonal birth control is another possibility. Perhaps she just has a poor diet, or exercise regimen, or something else that leads to low hormone levels.

You should insist that she get checked out by a doctor. If her hormone levels are OK, talk about her medications. If she's on a SSRI, switch medications to one without as much risk for sexual side effects.

However, if she's not having an affair, and there is no physical reason for her lack of desire, then she's just not into you. You either have to accept her lack of desire, negotiate some accommodations from her, leave her, or change yourself to be more attractive to her.

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

TexasGuy said:


> She loves being secure financially, she loves being a mom, and she likes being loved. If I didn't make such a big deal about having sex, i truly believe she would feel satisfied with the relationship.


Being a Mom is not something YOU do for her. So with or without you she is a mom. Being secure financially... Mabye that's an emotioanl need...

She likes being loved? HOW? That's my question. What can you do to make her feel loved. Mabye it's bying flowers. Maybe it's conversation. Maybe it's telling her she is beautiful. Maybe it's telling her what a great mother she is. Mabye is mopping the floors. Mabye it's listening to her complain about co-workers.

The point is, has to be somethign you specfifically do, on purpose, to make her feel loved, and happy and fulfilled (much the way sex makes you feel).


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's important you know what you do that generates these feelings in your wife. Becuase the conversatoin in your future is to show her that you do X, Y, Z becuase you love her and want her to feel loved and fulfilled... and the equivalent for you is SEX... and that in your marraige both of you have to take actions to make the other person feel loved.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Has she seen a doctor about her lack of libido?

Is she on birth control pills of any type?


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## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

We have tried every pill, cream, books..etc out there! She is on birth control. She has the Mirena IUD.


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## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

There is not a day that goes by that I don't tell her i love her. I always tell her how beautiful she is and that she is a great Mom. She is a great Mom! I truly feel like I have been a fantastic husband. She tells me so and her friends often comment how terrific I am as a husband and a father.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If there is no infidelity and no physical reason for her lack of desire toward you, then she's just not attracted to you.

Perhaps she never was. If that's the case, then it may not be possible for you to kindle enough interest in her for you to be happy in the marriage.

If she used to be attracted to you and she has just stopped, for some reason, and you're really busting your butt trying to be what she wants, then you just have to change your strategy. Obviously, what you're doing isn't working. She isn't interested (sexually) in your words of affirmation or acts of service.

So you need to switch it up. One strategy is to employ MEM's thermostat technique. That means that you stop being the hot partner while your wife is the cold partner. One hot and one cold makes for a warm marriage. But the hot partner is doing all the work. So slack off a bit. Match her level of effort. Not just sexually (she would love that). Match her level of sexual effort in something that she cares about. If she views your paycheck and your most important contribution to the marriage, then stop giving it to her. Only give her enough for necessities and put the rest in an individual savings account that she can't access. Tell her that you will resume meeting your marital obligations when she's willing to meet hers.

Another strategy is to employ Athol Kay's Marriage Action Plan (MAP). That means changing yourself to be more attractive. Spend more time on your hobbies. Spend time with your friends away from home. Go out more without your wife. Lose weight. Make her jealous. Make her wonder if you're preparing to divorce her. Often, women will up their game only when they feel they have to. So make her feel like she has to. Even if she doesn't respond positively, you'll be more attractive for other women when you're back on the dating scene.

Good luck.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Bait and switch is uncommon, but it happens. Usually, the desire gradually fades. *In your case, it may be a bait and switch.*


Well, if its flies like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it might be a duck 

Let's see... good sex before marriage.. no desire after marriage...

Sure sounds like B & S to me


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## Kettlebells21 (Feb 7, 2013)

TexasGuy, I was once where you are.....three months of asking......no effect. I'm now into my 8th or 9th year of a sexless marriage (the last five years being ZERO)......it has ruined a perfectly good 24-year marriage (also 3 kids), but despite my telling her several times that I don't understand what she's doing and what a nightmare this has become and how I feel like a ****ing middle school kid......she continues to go about her life without a care in the world. I've hung on for the kids. I don't know how I've done it, but the operative word is, indeed, 'DONE'. I am done. I'm only 51, look 40, strong, adventurous, smart, funny, all that crap. I don't want my life to be over. What a hell. I hope your situation resolves and doesn't turn into this thing I'm caught up in.


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## TexasGuy (Feb 25, 2013)

Kettlebells21, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. To be honest, your situation is my worst nightmare! I do not want to go 24 or 25 years with this situation. At some point in time you have to say enough is enough. I too want to hang in there for the kids, but there has to be some balance between doing what is best for the kids and your own right at being happy! I am so like you in that I see a perfectly good marriage going down the drain! You are correct, what a hell!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

TexasGuy said:


> I have been married to my beautiful wife for over 15 years. We have 3 beautiful kids and both have successful jobs. I compare our relationship to a chocolate cake. We have all of the ingredients to make a great cake, but we are missing the chocolate! By chocolate, i mean sex! My wife has absolutely no sex drive. We have struggled with this for 15 years. I feel like it has gotten to the point where we have compromised. Well, i compromise by simply not getting any! The last time we had sex was over 3 months ago. It was, in my opinion, purely out of guilt and fulfilling her wifely duties. Believe me when I say, that is not the way I want it. Usually, when we have sex, it is a quickie or as plain jane as you can, just so that it is over as quickly as possible. In the past, i have been able to give her an orgasm, but it usually requires toys, or oral. Now, it has gotten to a point where she doesn't allow me to give her oral and using the toys is a seldom thing. I love having sex with my wife, but I am at the point now where I am sick and tired of having to beg for it and the constant rejection. I absolutely do not want to leave her and i refuse to cheat on my wife, but i am really in a place where i don't know what to do! Is there anyone else out there with the same issue that has found a solution??


My wife and I have been married or 47 years, and were both HD for over 20 years...She gradually became less and less interested, till it hit an all time low about 4 months ago. 

I knew she had been going through a lot with the recent loss of a sister, but our live had degenerated into daily fights, screaming matches, and rages on her part. I was at my wits end. To top it off I caught her on the phone with a toxic GF several times talking about what pric-ks they were married to.

I was being treated with blatent disrespect on her part......

The straw that killed the camel was when she casually mentioned that sex would be out for the next several days because she had a gyno appointment and didn't want to be "all swollen" ....She hadn't even consulted her appointment callendar, the appointment was 8 days away.......And I had not even hinted at sex.....Just out of the blue BS.....

The collossal bulls&it of a lame flimsy excuse just blew me away......And I called her on it. I went on TAM and claimed the flimsy excuse of the decade trophy that night. It is still on my mantle......

I lost it. I started leaving the house for hours without telling her where I going, printed out our states divorce laws and left them on her placemat....And told her if things didn't change, I wanted a divorce......

I don't think I was ever really willing to leave her, and she realized she had a lot invested in our marriage as well. We had some serious talks, and eventually did the "5 Love Languages" program....As I am now telling everyone, you can get the book on ebay for under 10 bucks......

It has made a huge difference in how I feel about my wife.....And I am sure it has helped her in her feelings about me....

For a few weeks it was duty sex at best, but we now have much better and more frequent sex.....This week We have averaged every other day, and we are both feeling real passion again.

I am like a youngster on his honeymoon....A couple of days ago we actually raced each other geting our pants off...She won....
And she was WET....That hadn't happened for a long long time.....

What would you give to be like that with your wife again just one time.......

What more could a guy want for $10 bucks. Sure, I would like the old "Last night and again this morning" of old, but 2-4 times a week is wonderful compared to before....

Think of "The five Love Languages" as 10 bucks worth of chocolate. It is on the NYT best seller list, has been out for 20 years, and each year it has outsold the previous year.

The catch is you BOTH have to read it, but it can be done in a weekend. why don't you get a copy, a babysitter, and check into a hotel for a two person marriage seminar...It could be the best ten bucks you ever spent......


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

bbd,
Man to man - you should be proud of your commitment and sense of honor. They say a lot about your character. 

Your situation might well be fixable. It is possible, that your wife has a few emotional needs that you aren't meeting. She might need 'excitement' and a 'challenge' in order for her to feel a sense of desire. 

I am guessing that you were brought up to believe that if you were respectful, hard working and committed to making your wife happy, everything would turn out great. 

No one told you that women have zero desire to sleep with a man they can 'control'. Any man who says 'she gets everything she wants' has deprived his wife of the thing she prizes above all else. A strong - emotionally strong - man who laughs at her when she is being unreasonable or selfish, and who gives her the cold shoulder when she is being disrespectful. And leaves that cold shoulder in place until she holds out an olive branch. 

This isn't about being cruel or nasty or a jerk. This is about saying "I am not going to be able to do (that thing she asked you to do - because you don't want to) xyz". 

If she is a SAHM, ask when she plans to return to work. If you are not saving a good amount towards college funds, retirement, make a budget and insist she stick to it for the good of the family. 



QUOTE=bbdad;1481651]Sad thing is, she has no motivation to change. I don't want to go through, or even consider divorce. So, she gets everything she wants, without having to be physical. I have just resolved that this is my life!![/QUOTE]


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

bbdad said:


> I am in your same boat. Our physical life is just duty sex. Nothing really more. Other than physical, we get along great. So, I have just resolved to stick together for the kids, plus the financial devastation of divorce is crazy. I just get to pay for my best friend to have everything she wants without having to get physical with me. Anytime it is brought up, it just leads to a major blowout. I have lost the desire to even bring it up. Her parents have a marriage without any physical intimacy. I believe she just thinks that is how it is supposed to be. Things weren't like this prior to marriage, or early on. But, that is where it has devolved to.
> 
> Either leave and be a part time dad and experience financial devastation, or just resolve to live in a limited physical relationship. It is a total lose - lose situation.
> 
> My outlet is the gym!!! Find one of your own, it may help.


I could've written your post. Describes my situation perfectly. Even the in-laws not being physical. I said what you said for many years. I pulled the trigger a few weeks ago. Life is just too short to live in a sexless marriage. Filed for divorce.

I can be just as good a dad to my kids divorced. With todays technology and all...texting, Skype, etc. And I'll only live a few miles from them.

All I can say is don't put up with it man. Not having sex with your spouse is breaking the wedding vows and it will take it's toll on you. I speak from experience.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

bbdad said:


> The sad thing is that the women we are discussing don't feel there is a problem with their lack of desire. The view is that the man is the problem because he only wants sex. No matter how much we explain that is not the entire issue, I don't think our wives will ever see what it really is. They are getting a supportive husband, father to the kids, good provider, protector, etc...without having to engage in a satisfying physical relationship with their spouse. Since they have no repercussions to their actions, there is no reason to change.
> 
> It stinks, but that is the unfortunate life we live in. I will not cheat, nor leave my wife. As such, welcome to the "hell" that is a marriage where one spouse does not care about the needs/desires of the other spouse.


I've been in that boat: won't cheat, won't leave. We even separated in 2009 on her initiative, but she took me back in (initially because I was broke between jobs)...followed by four years of almost no sex and a year and a half of totally zero. Still, I wouldn't leave and I don't cheat. Never have. Any time I wanted to be with someone else in last relationships, I broke up and moved on. In seventeen years of marriage I've never so much as chatted with another woman in any way that could allow for flirting.

So what changed? Well, I was getting more and more angry about having no sex, and telling her about it, to no response. I just generally felt unloved and unattractive. After all, she knows me better than any living soul, and she's had sex with me more than all other women in my life combined and times fifty. If she's not attracted to me, who would be? Then I happened into a Facebook chat with a woman I went to high school with. I'd always been attracted to her, but we never dated back then because of her parents. Anyway the conversation started off totally normal and chaste, as we've been friends forever...but then she started to flirt a little bit. And insted of ignoring it or shutting down the conversation, as I would've done before, I let it play out. That led to several days of chatting online, the main gist of which was that she still finds me attractive even knowing how I look now (older, heavier). Which led me to really ponder...if other women can be attracted to me, but my wife isn't...maybe I'm not unattractive overall. Maybe I just don't do it for her anymore. And maybe...well, maybe splitting up won't lead me to spending my remaining years alone and celibate because of my unattractiveness.

It was that line of thought that allowed me to finally step back and admit to myself that we were done, and had been for years. The lack of sex isn't the cause, it's the most glaring symptom of the underlying change. I was also able to see that I've stayed out of fear of being alone forever and fear of losing my kids, and that fear like that doesn't amount to a marriage. It amounts to a lie of convenience. 

I'm still very apprehensive that I'm going to go from a partial marriage (living together, sharing bills, raising kids) to nothing at all. But I'm not willing to let that uncertainty hold me in place in a situation where I have no chance of any kind of sex life.

I can't say that the OP ought to have the same kind of change of thinking. But maybe he should at least consider all of the possibilities of life, including moving on to someone who values him sexually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That's called 'coping and avoiding' , it isn't called happiness. 



QUOTE=bbdad;1484578]She is a SAHM. Fortunately, financially, we are very solid. All of those things you mentioned are well taken care of.

There is always a glimmer of hope after major blow ups. Then, it will die down again to minimal or none.

I have just learned to take my frustrations out at the gym. The good part about that is that I am in better shape in my 40's than I was in my 20's. Always gotta see the bright side to any situation.[/QUOTE]


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> That's called 'coping and avoiding' , it isn't called happiness.


And that coping will only work for so long.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Tex,

Listen friend. You deserve to have a happy sex life. Period End of story. You need to decide if you are just going to wimper and let your wife control the relationship, or you ar going to take cantrol yourself. 

1)STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT THE LACK OF SEX! She already knows you are not getting any. Stop pursuing her. 
2) Work on yourslef. Lose weight get a new haircut.uy some nice clothes.
3) Go out with friends alone. If you don't have any friends, get some. 
4) If attraction dosen't develope or this approach doesn't lead to improvemnts in the sex department. I would recommend telling her it isn't working out and be willing to leave. Perhaps faced with the reality of divorce papers she will realize that sex is an essential part of a marriage. And if she doesn't, get out and find someone who can love you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Beach,
Almost all young/youngish men who become involuntarily celibate in their sexless marriages have some traits in common. Unfortunately it is hard to get them to grasp that. 





BeachGuy said:


> And that coping will only work for so long.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tex,

Each child you chose to have was a strong message that said: I am fine with how you treat me. 

I don't care what you 'said' along the way, you kept demonstrating through that choice that she could deprioritize you. 




QUOTE=TexasGuy;1481535]I have been married to my beautiful wife for over 15 years. We have 3 beautiful kids and both have successful jobs. I compare our relationship to a chocolate cake. We have all of the ingredients to make a great cake, but we are missing the chocolate! By chocolate, i mean sex! My wife has absolutely no sex drive. We have struggled with this for 15 years. I feel like it has gotten to the point where we have compromised. Well, i compromise by simply not getting any! The last time we had sex was over 3 months ago. It was, in my opinion, purely out of guilt and fulfilling her wifely duties. Believe me when I say, that is not the way I want it. Usually, when we have sex, it is a quickie or as plain jane as you can, just so that it is over as quickly as possible. In the past, i have been able to give her an orgasm, but it usually requires toys, or oral. Now, it has gotten to a point where she doesn't allow me to give her oral and using the toys is a seldom thing. I love having sex with my wife, but I am at the point now where I am sick and tired of having to beg for it and the constant rejection. I absolutely do not want to leave her and i refuse to cheat on my wife, but i am really in a place where i don't know what to do! Is there anyone else out there with the same issue that has found a solution??[/QUOTE]


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Is your wife on birth control pills? They can lower sex drive. Maybe she has a hormonal problem. Maybe an appointment with an endocrinologist and some testosterone would help.


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## patientMan (Feb 27, 2013)

Wow. I should have gone on the other side of the island many years ago! I am glad to know I am not alone and suffering like this. My wife and I have sex about 2 times per month and it is really taking a toll on me. My wife tells me she loves me many times, but I honestly don't know what she's talking about. She loves our child since that is what she talks about most of the time when she's not watching TV.

She's not a lazy person. She just isn't with me and hasn't been for many years. I have told her this many times with no effect. The sex we do have is usually a quicky before going to sleep at night. Oy vey! I sometimes...many times find myself fantasizing about other women and that is bad. That need is just oozing out of me and it has been for a long time.

The bible says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. I now wonder what happens when you are married and still burning with passion?

I'm tired of it and feel somewhat helpless. However, I like the advise that I read earlier in this thread about taking care of yourself, going out with the guys, etc. I've tried everything else I could think of and that I've learned ove rthe last 25 years of my marriage. I've educated myself and tried to share the resources (books, tapes, articles, etc.) that I've obtained with my wife, but she just doesn't care. I remember several years ago I purchased a book called "Men, Sex, and Love" or something like that. I read it and then asked my wife to read it so that she would hopefully understand men better in that context. She may have read a few pages. One evening I came upstairs to bed. She was already in the bed and doing a crossword puzzle while the book laid on the headboard. I eventually took the book away and she hasn't mentioned it. She doesn't care.

I've learned a lot in this thread. Perhaps she has what she wanted, which is what I was beginning to reason myself. Perhaps she got married because she wanted to be a mother. It looks that way to me.

I am going to ensure my own happiness. I used to be afraid of growing old and being alone long before marriage. I am again wondering if I'm on that path now. I'm already alone because my wife is not with me, has not been with me, and looks like will not be with me in the future.

I wish there were forums like this before I got married (There was no WWW back then. LOL). I would have done things differently. Why get married if it is all duty, which is how I see my marriage. It is Marriage, Inc. and Househould, Inc. There is no intimacy, romance, and of course virtually no sex, which is very important to me. I've tried to teach myself to not need it, but I suppose it is intrinsic. LOL. 

I'm tired, guys. I'm really tired of this.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

patientMan said:


> I used to be afraid of growing old and being alone long before marriage. I am again wondering if I'm on that path now. I'm already alone because my wife is not with me, has not been with me, and looks like will not be with me in the future.


:iagree:

As the great and wise Jon Anderson said "Owner of a Lonely Heart is better than Owner of a Broken Heart"


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Texasguy, bbdad, patient.....Guys I was there a few months ago. Every thing you are complaining about I had....In spades....

Go back an look at my posts of 3-4 months ago. One titled RANT just about tells it all.........no sex, flimsy excuses, disrespect, blowouts, arguments, attitude....And oddly enough after we got a handle on things, she told me (just yesterday) she wasn't aware there was a problem at the time.......

How can you not see a problem when you fight EVERY FUC*KING DAY??????

We are now having great sex again...We do not fight, we talk about issues, and we are back to a loving relationship on both sides......

And the fix was easier to implement than fighting all the time by a long shot.......See my post "All this crap about the F word"
It go's into great detail.....

Really guys, I know how hard it is to look for help. I posted on TAM for weeks, every post worse than the last. Bit*ching don't feed the bulldog....

The definition if insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.....It won't happen.........

If the only reason our rebirth worked was because she was stunned that I would make the effort, SO BE IT. I would not go back to where we were a month ago for any amount of money......


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> Is your wife on birth control pills? They can lower sex drive. Maybe she has a hormonal problem. Maybe an appointment with an endocrinologist and some testosterone would help.


Sue it ain't hormones....It ain't needing to loose weight, it ain't about him being a weak or beta male......IF IT WERE, MY WIFE WOULDN'T BE HAVING HOT WET, STEAMY SEX WITH ME THREE TIMES A WEEK............After 47 years.....

Women just drop out if their emotional needs are not being met, and most of the time don't even realize they have dropped out.........A few months ago my wife didn't know we had a problem and we fought almost daily.........


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> Texasguy, bbdad, patient.....Guys I was there a few months ago. Every thing you are complaining about I had....In spades....
> 
> Go back an look at my posts of 3-4 months ago. One titled RANT just about tells it all.........no sex, flimsy excuses, disrespect, blowouts, arguments, attitude....And oddly enough after we got a handle on things, she told me (just yesterday) she wasn't aware there was a problem at the time.......
> 
> ...


So....what'd you do???


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

TexasGuy said:


> When we were dating, the sex was fantastic! We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. As soon as we married, its like a switch went off and her desire completely shut down. I have always thought of it as a bait and switch type thing. Once, she had the ring on her finger, the need to satisfy me physicall completely went away!


That sounds exactly the same as my marriage. As soon as he put the ring on my finger, he went off having sex with me. I also won't divorce him, and I won't cheat.


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## patientMan (Feb 27, 2013)

Woodchuck. Thanks for the info. The thing with me is that I've told my wife many times how I feel. I've tried everything that I've learned in books, tapes, seminars, etc. The things with us though is that we are very functional. Our relationship works well functionally, but not intimately. She doesn't communicate much at all. In 25 years she has never sat down to talk about the marriage with me. Her heart is for our son and it was there even before she gave birth. I look back and see it now, but didn't then. I asked her once, "Why don't you have anything to do with me?" We do absolutely nothing together as far as intimacy. She does her thing and I do mine and it works.

So I'll check your posts, but my situation is a bit different. Going to this type of forum is new to me. I joined one perhaps a year ago, but haven't done much with it. This is actually a new approach because the "communicatiing" approach isn't working. I have come to the point where I have accepted that it will always be like this so I have to ensure my own happiness within the relationship.

I'm not complaining just wondering if others are experiencing what I'm going through and was quite pleased to find that I'm not the only one. Nonetheless it is still frustrating to me and I don't know how to get off of this ride.


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## patientMan (Feb 27, 2013)

Woodchuck,

I just read your post "All the crap about the f word." It is interesting that I got that book about 10 or more years ago when I was doing all I can to educate myself on the marriage relationship. I learned that men and woman (and people in general) have different love languages. The book made a lot of sense to me.

However..... My wife just wouldn't read it. I had several similar books, articles, and even cassette tapes (Yup it was that long ago). However, she would not read them. She did listen to a little bit of the tapes when I played it while driving with her in the car. Wow. Now that I remember. This was around 1993ish. She totally didn't get it. 

No matter how much I try to inform her of how I feel the more it seems to go in one ear and out the other.

I don't have bad feelings towards her. She is hard working and does care about me. However, there is a whole big area of intimacy that is missing. I remember before we got married she asked me what I expected in a marriage. I told her, "Togetherness and understand." Those are the very two things that are missing.

Having sex two to three times a week will not happen from my perspective. I envy the couple that has sex that much. I am lucky if it is twice a month.

Am I complaining? I don't know. I'm venting I suppose. The pressure is always on and it felt kind of nice to vent to other guys.


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