# Hi...some advice please...it's a mess.



## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

I am embarrassed to say I a married him knowing he was abusive(even though the voice in my head was screaming 'RUN!' as I was walking down the aisle) and I have stayed married to him for almost 10 years. He doesn't smack me around but he does everything else. 

Two hours after we were married he brought up swinging and was relentless about it....I got home and started thinking about leaving but realized I was pregnant...held him off on swinging through 2 pregnancies(one where he raped me in my sleep)..I was isolated from friends and family during this time, he started suggesting that I start escorting to help pay the bills...he went so far as to design the website and when I flipped out he said he was only joking. (gaslighting?) He does the 'only joking' thing a lot.

Somehow I managed to convince him to move to FL near my mother during this time...we moved down here and he was non stop about swinging again..wanted a stripper budget...wanted an online porn budget...so I finally countered with 'open marriage' while I tried to find a job to support myself...now I admit at that time I thought I was the first one to step out...and he flipped out...pulled the starter out of my vehicle threatened to out me as a *****, threatened to take off with the kids, etc etc..so I backed off. He started looking for himself..he found one ...quickly determined that she was too unbalanced and moved on to the next the following day....she has been around for 4 years. During this time he was making a lot of money and I was still stuck at home due to his schedule and I was afraid to face off in court..he was gone 4 nights a week for work and was working super long hours on the other days....he put her on payroll and dragged her around with him and I was content to leave him be...the kids had their needs met and he mostly left me alone. 

He lost that contract in January..and things have been really bad since then...he openly and defiantly alternated nights at her house against my wishes and the kids questioning it. I woke up in the middle of the night with him raping me holding a pillow over my face trying to smother me..since then I have had a my 'go bag' packed literally ready to run with the kids...I was reluctant to involve authorities because in my head he made a relatively simple domestic battery case into rape and attempted murder and I didn't want to do that to my kids(I know this makes no sense..I am only now waking up)

Since then I have been waiting for him to fall asleep first, trying to sleep on the couch, barricading myself in bed...locking my legs and arms into twists and thankful for the nights that he wasn't in the house and suggesting that he move on to the other OW..he threatened to kill himself each and every time. That we would all be much happier....he promised to break it off with her and work on our marriage...then he played super dad for 3 days and went over there for 2.

Last Friday he made his big relationship announcement with the OW on facebook for all of my family to see...which gave me an opening to straight out ask for divorce and he went along with it...didn't threaten to kill himself(surprising) he just requested that we ease the kids into it. He left here on Wednesday night to help her move on Thursday morning...on Friday night he asked if the kids could help him move(the kids have no idea what's going on and he wants to make them part of daddy leaving mommy) I told him no..he made a brief 5 minute appearance to pick up his tool shed stuff on Saturday(he bought new clothes instead of moving the clothes he keeps here) and last night he texted me again asking me to let the kids help him move...I told him no again and offered to let him visit with them here...I didn't want them to feel any way responsible for him moving out...now he is accusing me of withholding the children to punish him..I just feel that they deserve to know what was going on before being forced to be part of it. 

I have spent the last week applying for gov't assistance and legal aide....I have not gone through domestic abuse channels and I am wondering if that might be a mistake at this point. He refuses to provide his new address so legal aid can serve divorce papers...no address=no help from legal aid..I have a 2 week window to submit an address and if not I have to wait 6 months to become eligible again. I felt that even if I don't get much in assistance they would still take over collection of child support taking that leverage over me away from him.

His past women have been crawling out of the woodwork to tattle....I would like to take these things with a grain of salt..but one woman claimed that he wanted to put her and her young daughters(12 & 14) up next door to the OW to groom the daughters for service at the age of 18..another woman claimed that he would beat her before our dates in order to get it out of his system..... and now I am sick absolutely sick over this jerk and am thinking I should get a restraining order but wonder if that will protect my sons(7 & 9)..at least I can get his gun taken away..but he has enough people around him that would lend him another. 

I can go to my mom's house but she is in the middle of nowhere 2 towns over..not good for emergency 911 response time.


I know I was all over the place....I am just 'waking up' and I can't believe the mess that I am in or the person that I have been married to..I am trying hard not to hate myself right now..how could I be so stupid and oblivious?!?!? I used to consider myself to be smart...not so much anymore.


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

Yes, run now and as fast as you can. Go to a shelter, get a restraining order, and protect yourself and your children. They will help you in many, many ways. There are more resources for abused women than many people think. Given what you have said about your husband, you and your children are in real danger, particularly should he flip out and think you are trying to keep his children away from him. You need someone to help you and quickly.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You are a very intellegent person who made a mistake. Don't define your life by it. Get out, away, and take your children. Don't communicate with him anymore, get to a shelter, and contact the authorities. 

He's already tried to harm you delibrately. You need to protect yourself and your children. I'll be praying for you.

GearHead


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## georgina (Aug 14, 2011)

i agree with all of above please please please get out now hun and make sure you report him for everything he has done to you before he is allowed to do it again!!! and whos to say he wont try it with your own kids as they get older.. he sounds very disturbed in the head and it needs to be stopped asap... time to take a stand and show him you are strong even if u dont feel it inside.... am sending you hugs as its not going to be easy for you but i think deep down you know what needs to be done 

good luck

georgina


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