# one step forward two steps back



## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

i need to vent... everytime i feel like i am getting better i backslide. i want my stbx to love me, to want to be with me...

i finally start to feel like i have a normal day and then i talk to him and it all comes back. all i want to do is tell him how much he has hurt me and how i still care about him and he just wants nothing to do with me.

i know i shouldnt talk to him but i feel like i have no one else to turn to. i want to understand why he doesnt love me or want to be with me anymore and i just dont get it, nor will he provide me with any answers.

so i just end up crying all night! ugh, im so frustrated with him and myself.....


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

you can't force someone to feel what they don't feel honey, I've learnt that much

you can only start to heal when you stop talking to him all the time - for the first few weeks I talked to the ex every day and it was torture every time because he wouldn't really give me the answers I wanted

when that stopped it became much easier - it allows you to focus on YOU, not trying to make him feel something he doesn't. you think that you can try and talk him round and make him see sense...you can't, and the feeling of not having control is awful (particularly to a control freak like moi!), I do understand
x


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

thanks Dolly... i do ok for a few days and then my head starts thinking again... if only we could give it a good try, maybe he is starting to see this isnt what he wanted.

but it never turns out like that, i just cant get rid of the hope and it kills me to know that he doesnt miss me like i do him. i feel like a love sick girl in highschool not a grown woman!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

yeah I felt like that for a while - in fact I persuaded him to come back for a few days, I just felt like chucking away 13 years without at least trying once was pretty unforgivable! But what happens is you end up acting unnaturally around each other to 'make it work' but all the old problems are still there

he will miss you..but it will take time. if you focus on getting your life back, getting some confidence and independence back you will a) feel much better about yourself and b) show him what the hell he's missing 

the more you hang around waiting for him to throw you scraps the more control he has - I'm all about taking control BACK!


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## sushiman (Jun 3, 2012)

Well follow your heart. Im in a similar situation and although people call me dumb for trying, i keep trying. I promised my wife 'til death do us part' and i intend to keep it that way, no matter what. If its what you want, try. Dont give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

i feel the same in that i dont think we should just give up without trying to fight, but he wont. part of me wants so badly to keep trying but then the logical part of me knows i need to take care of my self first and if he doesnt want me why should i want him?

i wish i could just tie him up and make him answer all of my questions until i was content! lol


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

ha ha if only it were that easy! he may not be able to answer all your questions - that's part of the problem

I don't think my ex really knew what he wanted or why he wanted it, just that he didn't want THIS any more. Which is no real answer to anything but it's what I got!!


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> ha ha if only it were that easy! he may not be able to answer all your questions - that's part of the problem
> 
> I don't think my ex really knew what he wanted or why he wanted it, just that he didn't want THIS any more. Which is no real answer to anything but it's what I got!!


thats my stbx issue too i dont think he knows what he wants but he has always ran away and his family gives him the pass to do so with the excuses of "oh he has commitment issues"

i really think i am the only girl who has tried fighting for a relationship with him, know what that says about me or him is TBD, lol


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

just try not speaking to him for a bit - don't call him, don't be available when he calls, even if it's only for a few days at this stage. It WILL get easier, Dolly promises!!!


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

thanks Dolly for your words of encouragement, they mean more than you know to me when i feel like i have no where or no one to turn to


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

this place has been a real lifeline for me - everyone is here for you, helps to have people who are totally objective about your situation to pull you through the dark times

stay strong sister!


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I am in a similar situation other than the fact that I know full well she will never give me a second chance. I have days where I think I am getting over her and making good progress only to find myself in a rut a couple of days later thinking about how much life is going to suck without her in it. My guess it that it will continue like that for a while.

I think the 'no contact' advice that Dolly has given will help you. Unfortunately I have to see my ex 6 times a fortnight due to shared custody of our child with all the drop offs and pick ups...definitely makes it harder.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

I am really sorry you feel this way. I know what that feels like and it tears your heart out. My IC described it this way. You can hook up two horses to the cart, but if one lays down, nothing moves. At that point, you have to unhitch and work on yourself. It hurts to hear this, but you will feel better in time. Dolly is right.


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## teewhy (Jun 9, 2012)

Ugh this all SUCKS!!! But I know one thing... if I wasn't able to come here and read, and vent, (and cry a lil), I'd be making the *mistake* of trying to talk to my stbxw or trying to see if she's met someone (foolish, jealous, prideful, ego of mine! lol). I'm addicted to this site, I believe. Like having someone who understands what I'm going through without biased judgement. Just cold hard truths, and sincere encouragement. What a Godsend you all are!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

From one who has passed the year mark in a very similiar situation, it will get easier (somewhat).

Contact with STBXH has been relegated to only by email. He keeps asking DS why I won't speak to him on the phone. DS just says asks what did he expect after what he did and continues doing.

Helps that we are in different states now, never have to worry about crossing paths. Since both kids are grown there's no co-parenting needed either.

Not that I don't have those days when I wish things were not like they are, but that is the past. The person I once loved has, in a sense, died and I must find a way to continue MY life without him.

TAM has been a refuge, strength source and a venting outlet for me and likely will be for a while more.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

numb, I know its hard. Im living the same nightmare that you are right now. Im tired of driving myself crazy trying to get answers. I agree that TAM has given me an outlet that no one else can provide for me. Im only 15 days from d-day and Ive noticed its getting better all ready. I sent a very factual "Im letting you go, goodbye" letter to her this morning that will probably not help with the D, but it made me feel so much better explaining my point of view. I told her I am so mad at her right now and I was going to take care of me first. I put the blame where it belonged. You stick in there. Everything happens for a reason, we may not understand why when it happens, but things will get better.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

thanks everyone for the help! i agree i have really found so many that are unfourtantly going though the same things i am on here and it helps.

today was almost better and i say almost because we work at the same place and he is parading around his new "friend" at work to the point people are asking me whats going on and if he is cheating on me.

i have kept my mouth shut with my coworkers not for him but for me. i am trying to keep things proffessional bc i dont feel like its anyones buisness, but i do want to shout from the roof tops on days like these what a dirtbag he really is!

the hardest part is even through all of this i still hope that he will "wake up" and realize what he is losing although i dont think he will.

so just trying to take care of me and make it through the days to come without him, but i cant seem to get rid of that glimmer of hope i have...


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

oh god, you work with him too? 
you are absolutely right to keep it professional - you need to be the dignified one here. I know what I'd be thinking if I was his colleague and he was parading some new girlfriend around when his wife was working with me
I'd be thinking 'what an unbelievable tw*t' and it won't do him any favours
oh honey what a mess


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