# What sex related questions to you want to ask your spouse, but haven't because fear of rejection, judgement, or just to afraid to ask?



## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

What sex related questions to you want to ask your spouse, but haven't because fear of rejection, judgement, other reasons, or just to afraid to ask?

There are a lot of posts throughout multiple threads about questions verbalized here, but posters never actually can bring themselves to actually do what's needed which is ask the spouse or ltr SO.

So to focus what are the questions, and some discussions how to format in clear questions that then could be asked... what are short descriptions of those who want to ask but never have the chutzpah to say them to the parties that need to hear them?

Maybe discussing can build confidence to ask, and open the doors to better relations where these more clear questions could be asked.

A lot of posters could move positively forward if the questions were finally put out there.

Relationship building is the objective. Eliminate the need for expectations of mind reading that cause all kinds of problems.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

none we are very open , most sex talks it is I that start them but both are very open , I know my wife's fantasies she knows mine , i know the ones she has that she will never act out and some she might at some stage


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Can I borrow your XXL butt plug?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

CountryMike said:


> What sex related questions to you want to ask your spouse, but haven't because fear of rejection, judgement, other reasons, or just to afraid to ask?


There isn't one. DH is an openminded kinkster and so am I, so we've always expressed fantasies and desires freely.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

My question is why are all your threads so voyeuristic in nature? 😂😉🤷🏼‍♀️


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> There isn't one. DH is an openminded kinkster and so am I, so we've always expressed fantasies and desires freely.


That's what I think is the goal. Spot on. Then, no one has stress or worries, and on going mental time spent on whiat ifs. That whole what if thing, with unasked questions can build into a tangible problem. Best to avoid that.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

CharlieParker said:


> Can I borrow your XXL butt plug?


The XL to small? Haha


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I am not afraid to ask anything. Seeing as how I lean towards the kinky side it for the best I find out things before getting involved


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I have already asked my wife everything I wanted to try with her, she has said no to a lot of it; sometimes multiple times. In contrast she had asked me relatively little and I have never said no to anything she has asked.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> I am not afraid to ask anything. Seeing as how I lean towards the kinky side it for the best I find out things before getting involved


Very smart. And I believe you have the skills to ask these questions in short clear form. Most productive.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Doesn't matter much which questions I ask, there are only 2 answers and i managed to get them both last night.
I Dunno.
I don't remember that.
So,
Q. Can I borrow you XXL buttplug?
A. I don't remember that.
Q. How would you feel about divorce?
A. I dunno.
and so on . . .


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

CountryMike said:


> Very smart. And I believe you have the skills to ask these questions in short clear form. Most productive.


Saves a lot of time and trouble


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CountryMike said:


> What sex related questions to you want to ask your spouse, but haven't because fear of rejection, judgement, other reasons, or just to afraid to ask?


According to psychology books the most feared sexual discussion is when you no longer feel in love with your spouse but you ignore it and hope that things will get better. 

So that fear of rejection is often self projected onto a partner.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> My question is why are all your threads so voyeuristic in nature? 😂😉🤷🏼‍♀️


From the perspective of, notice I see what seem to be so many threads that hem and haw, and nothing moves from TDC because no one actually asks the questions to the person that are the ones that need to hear them.

Part of the fear seen is because the questions can be seen as wild clumps of word salad that have no chance to get an answer because of the non clear questions. 

So my thoughts are perhaps persons may benefit from learning to cut to the chases and by God just ask the questions. 

These aren't any topics that aren't already floating around the forum by others.

Just an attempt to take those topics and reduce the long minded questions into usable read productive format that can finally be asked of spouses.

Nothing new. Just a different way to approach. No other hidden agendas. If you thinks there is, pls advise what you think they are. You may be reading too much into simple approaches.


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## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Maybe discussing can build confidence to ask, and open the doors to better relations where these more clear questions could be asked.


First, I just want to say that I appreciate you making these posts for the benefit of all. As someone who is struggling to communicate about sexual needs/desires with my husband (and he's struggling to communicate, as well), it's super helpful to read these posts and is helping me to (albeit slowly) build confidence to talk to him/ask.

If you've read the super long thread I started, you may know that I asked my husband about his desired frequency since I would like more frequent sex. I didn't get a straight answer. So that's a question I'd like to ask again. "How many times per week would having sex be ideal for you?" along with "What is the minimum and maximum frequency you would be happy with?"

A few other questions that I want to broach at some point (written as if I'm asking him):

What are specific things that turn you on?
What are your favorite things we do in bed?
What are things you would like to try?

For us, talking about any of these things is difficult, but I'm trying to put my fears aside to ultimately _hopefully_ make things better for both of us.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> What sex related questions to you want to ask your spouse, but haven't because fear of rejection, judgement, other reasons, or just to afraid to ask?
> 
> There are a lot of posts throughout multiple threads about questions verbalized here, but posters never actually can bring themselves to actually do what's needed which is ask the spouse or ltr SO.
> 
> ...


I am a lot more open than my spouse. We married in our early twenties and became different people along the way, especially when it comes to sex. We started at a place of curiousity and playfulness. My openness increased a lot. Hers went the other way, so much that things we once did are hard to imagine, definitely don't ask about them now. But if I didn't fear her response, I'd ask for role play, maybe some toys or personal videos just for us. We have friends that confided to me they sometimes bring other people to their bedroom. While I've fantasized about that, something tells me I wouldn't actually like it.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

CountryMike said:


> From the perspective of, notice I see what seem to be so many threads that hem and haw, and nothing moves from TDC because no one actually asks the questions to the person that are the ones that need to hear them.
> 
> Part of the fear seen is because the questions can be seen as wild clumps of word salad that have no chance to get an answer because of the non clear questions.
> 
> ...


So you are wanting to help people ask clearer questions? To me it was you asking WHAT people were too afraid to ask. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So you are wanting to help people ask clearer questions? To me it was you asking WHAT people were too afraid to ask. 🤷🏼‍♀️


You've captured the gist of it, yes, be more clear in their communications.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

CountryMike said:


> You've captured the gist of it, yes, be more clear in their communications.


Fair enough. I thought you were asking the specifics as to the things people were afraid to ask. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We've discussed just about everything that matters to us, I think. And I'm sure we'll revisit some of the topics, because our interests (and abilities) are changing as we age. We've long agreed to _our _range of interests between the two of us, and are not lacking anything - we've done everything we want to try. So no unasked or undiscussed ideas there. If the pandemic gets under control (even with the delta variant, or with trusted partners), we'll probably talk about whether we want to resume swinging, what kinds of experiences we'd seek (just full swap, or threesomes in particular), and under what conditions. We've already discussed poly relationships as that's an ongoing interest for us, and is especially one of my priorities.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)




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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

there has not been one thing I've been afraid to ask or talk about. not one


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm in my mid-50's and on my 3rd marriage.

With my first husband, I didn't talk about sex with him and to be honest, I didn't want much sex with him.

My sex life with my 2nd husband was really good and I opened up more and he and I did more things sexually than I did with my first husband.

My sex life with my current husband is similar to my 2nd husband. There isn't anything I haven't or won't ask out of fear or judgement.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I would say I am not afraid of asking anything, I just usually don't get any answers. Just some eyerolling or being ignored by the wife. Then the usual comment "One track mind"

We really don't talk about sex much.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Do you think this frying pan will fit in my ass ?

I’m scared she will never fry me some eggs in the morning ever again.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

That feels awfully big. Are you sure it's a thermometer?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

my issue is not that I cannot ask, but I always seem to think the response is not genuine or true. Wife's responses do not seem to line up with her actions or other things she shares. That makes me not want to be open or vulnerable. It does not seem a mutual two-way street when it comes to sharing. I am sure sometimes I have suspicion that is unfounded, but there are other times that I can very confident that her reply is based on what she thinks I want to hear, is trying to save my feeling, or is a response that will prevent further inquiry.


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