# Videoing other women on family holiday



## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

I've had several issues with my husband (as documented on here).

My husband was married before, and has an adult son. This marriage (allegedly) broke up, when she cheated & left him for OM.

He's recently been converting their holiday videos, from VHS to DVD. I haven't been exactly over the moon about it, as he used to tell me to get out, as he felt uncomfortable and "freaked out" by the thought I may see the videos. Fine, I understand that this was his previous life, that it can't be wiped out, nor would I expect that, but to ban me from our bedroom/dining room etc, seemed OTT.

He did edit bits with just him in. I went looking for this, and picked up the wrong DVD. Now flame me it's fine, I am a horrible person (they were unlabelled). I admit I was wrong etc, etc.

So I watched part of it. It was pretty generic; son & mum playing together.

But, spliced over the top, there were several, long & gratuitous close-ups of other women. He zoomed in on their boobs (especially the topless ones) and butts. We're talking up to minute concentrating on these girls.

Curiousity got the better of me, and I've checked others, and yes, there he is scanning the beach/poolside, and surreptitiously filming & zooming in on the girlies again. Alongside this clandestine 'perving', there are shots of him naked, taken of himself, zooming into his privates. The girl shots bother me, it's as if he was filming the girls, and his 'family' got in the way, rather than family shots.

His son used to watch these videos when he lived here, goodness only knows how he's turned out, growing up watching family videos, that consist mainly of boobs & butts.

If this was isolated it would be one thing. But coupled with discovering him on a prostitute site, that he joined to look at the naked pics of a 19yr old reality star, who is a prostitute (his excuse), that any "red-blooded" would do, then sharing these photos with his son (it makes me physically sick, to think his son has been in our home, laughing about how hot (or not) some nude 19 yr old is, behind my back).

There are also the photos of his genitals I found on his camera (taken to send me when I was having our first daughter - apparently), his holidays abroad, alone, on nudist beaches, and the 'two coffee cups' on his apartment table (they were small so he needed two).

Aaargh! I am overreacting right? I admit my dad never took these kinds of pics, but a lot of his friends did grope me as a young teen, so maybe to expect a man not to look, and be faithful is just a dream & wishful thinking on my part?


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

I guess I am overreacting


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

uh, no it's creepy at the very least


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Umm, no, you are not overreacting. Honestly, I think him video taping other women (zooming in on private parts) while on a family vacation (i.e.; family video!) is downright appauling. Although, on the other hand, if he is editing these videos before they go on DVD that may be an indication he is embarressed by his behavior from back then. I am not saying what he did was right though. 

How is he when you two are out together? Does he look at other women for longer than just a glance? 

I understand that "boys will be boys" -- heck, even I can't help but notice a good looking man! -- but there is an appropriate time and place for everything. He may be "red-blooded" but that doesn't give him a right to be disrespectful.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

Well I am a man, and sure I've been on family vacations on beaches with good looking girls all around us. Sure, I looked (I'm not dead yet) and thought they were attractive. But to actually video them while with the kids? Um, ya, that's beyond creepy! He really needs counseling, this is OTT to be sure!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

First if my wife was editing old videos from a previous marriage and "didn't feel comfortable with me in the room", THAT right there would send up a major red flag and I'd be sitting RIGHT next to her. 

So that part of the issue is wrong.

Second, your husband is a perv and needs help. THAT IS EFFING WRONG!! On MANY levels.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Very pervy.

Tell him when he is done that you want the DVD's to make a copy for his son and parents and see how he reacts


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds like a perv of the first order. Maybe most "red blooded males" would notice a topless woman or a woman with a nice butt, but very few of us would make a video documentary of the event and save it for posterity. I've never felt inclined to sit around videotaping my privates. I have a penis and I carry it everywhere. We've had great times. Still, it takes a special sort of perv to sit around filming their Willy. Takes an even deeper shade of perv to show such videos to their own son. The fact that he took these videos on an alleged family vacation is even creepier. This would be creepy behavior for a 12 year old. Coming from a guy old enough to have an adult son, it's really creepy.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were married to my ex Lol! He was very much like that - explains why he's an ex. 

I agree with D&H - his refusing to allow you to be in the room while he was doing the editing is a HUGE red flag. 

Your H needs help and undoubtedly by now, his son might also.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That is really messed up. He needs some sort of professional help. And his son probably does now too.

I feel like I want to take a shower after reading your post. Ewwwww.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks. I really thought I was being stupid.

As for looking at other women? Hell yes! 

When we first met, he would hold my hand, soon after the wedding, especially when pregnant, he stopped.

Even now he doesn't walk 'with me' if you get what I mean? He walks slightly away, as if we were friends. Of course I'm pushing the pushchair, so he's got an excuse, but not a good one, seeing as other parents look 'together'.

When we dropped off his son at the station, I caught him staring at a blonde girl. He stared at her for 20mins, even failing to wave his son off. I felt really, really humiliated. He claims to have not done it.

I'm not a spring chicken, I've been around & been with quite a few men, including a player, and none of them not ONE, not even the player, made me feel like they were eyeing up other women.

Sure men may notice other women, but he has made me so insecure that the thought that he is looking around to see if there's anything better out there, is driving me crazy.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

sunshine&rain said:


> Thanks. I really thought I was being stupid.
> 
> As for looking at other women? Hell yes!
> 
> ...


Just curious, and I am sure others would wonder too, but does he have a porn addiction as well? It's clear he really needs help. There's the healthy, "Hey that's an attractive woman" and then there's the creepy staring at a woman for 20 mins.


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## sunshine&rain (Aug 26, 2012)

Does he have a porn addiction? I really don't know. He claims to not need it. I have caught him twice looking at weird things on Ebay - womens knickers, then sexy schoolgirl clothes. Each time he's never shown me the page, he clicks off it, then claims not to be able to get back (and even I know that you can click back, or go to history easily). 

His laptop is locked down, and fingerprint protected, so I can't see on there.

I understand the 'an attractive' woman thing, I can recognise a sexy guy, but I am SO sensitised, that I now feel sick if we're watching a show and half-naked women come on. I hate watching things with attractive women in. I've NEVER been like this, but I guess I intuitively knew he was leching, and it's not nice to be with a man, who's constantly 'fancying' other women. There's a difference between noticing, and then obsessing. Stupid thing is, I am far away more attractive than any of his exes, even with low esteem I can tell that, yet I'm not good enough for him.

What compounds all this is a lack of sex (may start a thead in sex too).

When we met, we had sex daily; he used to orgasm twice.

We married after 2 months (I know, I wanted to wait for 6 months, he said why wait, and threatened to dump me if I delayed).

On honeymoon things changed. He started not being able to orgasm, not even if I gave him a BJ or handjob.

I didn't understand it, and it took a little while to believe that it wasn't me. It has been a continual problem, at least half the time he can't get there.

When our second daughter died at birth, last year, he refused to have sex with me for 6 months. Then I lost a lot of weight, and it restarted, but the lack of orgasm was even more frequent.

Our sex life is frankly disastrous. He rarely wants to have sex, and never prioritises time for 'us'. I begged him, long before I got pregnant the second time, to make time for us. To 'date', to seduce, to get to know each other, romance etc.

He is only really horny, if I dress in stockings & suspenders, and even then doesn't always come. Yet, I DON'T want to have to wear them to bed every time. What if I demanded he wear a wig (he's bald) or sucked his belly in? I'm all for dressing up to seduce, but when it becomes apparent that it is the only way to pique his interest... meh, it becomes tired. It makes me feel like an object, like a masturbatory receptacle; like he's not into me. I want to make love to him, not a fetish, yet he doesn't seem into me. Not sure that makes sense, I can't explain it.

So anyway, last night we 'attempted' sex, first time in over 2 weeks. He pleasured me first, orally (which is a trusting thing for me to allow, as I sometimes feel vulnerable). Then we began to make love. It was good, then he stops saying he can't "get there". So I cuddle & kiss him. Suggest he relaxes, and just enjoys it, change position etc. We do, for literally seconds, when he proclaims that he can't. 

So I do feel a bit 'humiliated' I again try to coax him. No, he can't and doesn't want to try. I can't help feeling kicked in the teeth. He explains it's not me, that he' got a cold. So I decide to be honest & say that doesn't explain all the other times. I suggest he sees a Dr, as it happens so much. 

He then decides to be honest with me. He tells me it's my fault. That he can't enjoy sex because he's worried I may kick off, or our little one may wake, or if we'd not been friendly enough & "other things".

So I feel really bad. He's admitted it, it IS my fault. He can't come because of me. Instead of making love, being into me, surrendering to the moment, he's feeling resentful. 

I lay there crying, so he gets angry because I'm so "selfish", I should "console" him, tell him it doesn't matter.

But it does. He rarely comes with me anymore. Perhaps once in the last year. He rarely comes even with a BJ anymore.

I'm not prepared to consider that there may be a physical cause. Sure it's got worse, but it started on our honeymoon... literally overnight he went from coming 2x a night, to not at all.

It puts me off sex. I'm not loose btw. I've got great pelvic floor muscles, and quite often bleed, where I'm tight and get stretched. Besides, he doesn't even want a BJ.

I don't know. It's my fault. Either I'm the worst, most undesirable woman in the world, or I don't know. He refuses to accept there's a problem, he just says it's all my fault.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No it's not your fault. The simple fact that instead of working things out as a team he blames you shows he is a selfish pratt.

He sounds very creepy and emotionally void.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

He sounds like a peach.

It's not your fault, it's his, for being a weirdo. I'd serve him divorce papers and move on with my life. Just reading about your husband makes me want to shower and wash with bleach.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

sunshine&rain said:


> Does he have a porn addiction? I really don't know. He claims to not need it. I have caught him twice looking at weird things on Ebay - womens knickers, then sexy schoolgirl clothes. Each time he's never shown me the page, he clicks off it, then claims not to be able to get back (and even I know that you can click back, or go to history easily).
> 
> His laptop is locked down, and fingerprint protected, so I can't see on there.
> 
> ...


I truly hope you'll seek a marriage counselor. You actually feel fulfilled when you get "proof" of your worthlessness. Until that happens, you're full of doubts, and when the wrongdoer "is honest" with you, you feel "right" and that's your reward for keeping on with such bad behavior. 

That's NOT healthy! 

In your previous post that I read, you had plenty of feedback saying that your guy's treating you badly and that you need to take some positive steps. It sounds here as if you're not taking them. Please answer a couple of questions: 

1. What would your life look like if it was "perfect?" 

2. What ACTIONS are you willing to take to start the journey from where are right now to that perfect life? 

3. When will you take your first action?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Uh, his computer is locked down and fingerprint protected?!?! HUGE red flad there.

Somehow you need to see what he is up to on it that is so secret. My guess is that he's looking at more than just 'knickers' on eBay.

If he truly doesn't realize what he is doing then he has an even bigger problem than if he DOES realize it. I doubt he doesn't though.


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