# BPD Breakup and Aftermath, Advice and Thoughts Welcome



## JRT (Dec 19, 2014)

I am seeing a perspective that I have not yet seen about my problem from that of those with BPD on this and other sites. 

After the fact, I have come to see that my ex fiance was likely BDP by the research that I have done. ESPECIALLY by virtue of the way that she had broke up: while I was away on a business trip, and via text. There was no hint of anything wrong; it came entirely from out of the blue. We had a great relationship (I thought) and there was never any arguments or episodes to speak of. She had JUST moved into my house three weeks prior and we were in the process of planning our wedding. 

She sent a text while I was in a business meeting stating out of town that our relationship was over...that she moved out...and that I should never attempt to contact her. She blocked me from calling or texting her (and her son). She Unfreinded and blocked me on social media, sucessfully compelled her friends to do so and unfriended all of our joint friends. 

I called various family and friends that day as any normal person would do to try get to the bottom of things and this effort was greeted with a text that threatened to call the cops if I tried again. I gave her space for a couple of weeks and sent her an email from a little used account that she didn't know about to block, 'Lets talk, we are better than this'. This was responded to by a letter from an attorney friend threatening a restraining order against me. 

I sent a letter a few weeks back and it was returned to me unopened and refused (progress I thought as there was no summons that followed!!). This has been devastating for me since I believe her to be a quality person and I was very much looking forward to a life with this person - it was two great years for me. She had done this in the past but not nearly in the 'scorched earth' capacity that she did this time. It has caused a great deal of confusion and pain form myself and my daughter. 

My research identified her as an ACOA (adult child of alcoholic) but i eventually came across information regarding BPD and it seems like she might be described this way, at least as a 'waif' variety ESPECIALLY by virtue of the manner in which she broke up (do BPD's all do it this way??). 

Although when she has done this in the past, she has always returned, every so slowly and usually in a very predictable manner. This time, given how much time has elapsed since the episode, I have had little hope or signs that there was any possibility of salvation for this relationship or interest on her part (although her father tells me that she is currently seeing a therapist which I felt was a positive step for her). She has gone through great effort to distance herself from me and make contact almost impossible (she left no address either). But when I came across this site and read many of the associated forums my perspective and understanding of the episode changed a bit. 

Can any BP folks frame this into their perspective for me? Is it your opinion that she actually WANTS me to give up chase as many BP's have remarked? That having honored her boundaries and not contacted her that she might be feeling that I have already abandoned her just as she had feared in the first place? Tell me if even it is only speculation: what is going on whit her? Is she also devastated OR, having painted me black, does she have as much regard for me and memory as something she just threw into the trash? 

I appreciate any and all advice and thoughts.....


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Uptown has a great deal of information on this subject posted on this site. Search his user name to gain more info on the subject. 
Guess and conjecture as to what's going on is near impossible. If she has decided you are black now you can't or won't be able to convince her otherwise. She needs to figure that all on her own. 

You don't even know what your up against and its probably another man given the speed she left. You have only been together a couple years, you aren't married and she has pulled similar in the past on you.

Are you sure you went to deal with this the rest of your life? It rarely get easier and usually gets harder. Just being in love isn't enough unfortunately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I survived a breakup and divorce with a BPDer. 

You are very fortunate you are not married to this woman. Really the only way to heal from this is no contact. Stop pursuing. 

The Borderline Waif | LetuPsychology.com - Aftermath of a Relationship With a BPD Waif

Why No Contact (NC) is Necessary After a BPD Breakup - The Borderline Waif | LetuPsychology.com

Bill Eddy

There is no win. I know you feel devastated. Instead, work on yourself. You are probably a white knight, rescuer, or fixer. That's probably why you made it so far with her.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JRT, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with Honcho's and Helo's advice. I also suggest reading Shari Schreiber's description of BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. Generally, I don't like Schreiber's description of BPDers because she confuses them with sociopaths and narcissists. Her description of the waif BPDers, however, seems quite insightful as long as you ignore her nonsense about them being "diabolical" and a "wolf in sheep's clothing." Granted, a portion of the waifs have those characteristics but these traits arise from their co-occurring narcissism or sociopathy -- not from BPD itself.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Unless you're he11 bent on learning every little detail about BPD the hard way, leave it alone.

There's a lot of academic curiosity at play here, vis a vis the breakup, but I suspect she found someone more to her "liking" perhaps ... Or If she moved in with you the proximity sensor went off so she had to reverse course, ergo, vanish.

My bet is on the last part. How did she act after moving in with you?


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

First let me say that I'm sorry you've experienced something like this. That's an awful way to be left.  Worse, you don't even know why. All you have are these painful questions. I think that there's not enough information to attempt to even take a stab at answering a lot of the questions, unfortunately. But there were a couple of things.



JRT said:


> My research identified her as an ACOA (adult child of alcoholic) but i eventually came across information regarding BPD and it seems like she might be described this way, at least as a 'waif' variety ESPECIALLY by virtue of the manner in which she broke up (do BPD's all do it this way??).


It's interesting that your research led you from ACOA to BPD. My therapist actually had me get a workbook for ACOA because she said it could be useful for people with BPD as well. 

Not all BPDers break up that way, and there are variations of that as well. Those that do, I imagine, really have completely detached and are not interested in being pursued. BPDers are very good at detaching - they had to be. Stable attachments are difficult to form and maintain.

That she went as far as she did in the way that she abandoned you, turned her family and friends against you, and threatened legal action means that she is really serious about the severance. And even given time, she still refused your letter. If I were you, I would let this one go. 



JRT said:


> Although when she has done this in the past, she has always returned, every so slowly and usually in a very predictable manner.


The kind of push-pull you describe right here is pretty common. It's typically hard to really voice and express what the problem is, to pin the feelings down, to put words on things, so IMO, the push is the protest. That has been true for me, at least. Yet it can also be a fear and avoidance of emotional intimacy. And there are a variety of ways to push away, of course.

Did she ever say anything when that would happen? When she would push away? (Not that I think there is hope at this point. She pushed you right off a cliff. I'm sorry. ) 



JRT said:


> Can any BP folks frame this into their perspective for me? Is it your opinion that she actually WANTS me to give up chase as many BP's have remarked? That having honored her boundaries and not contacted her that she might be feeling that I have already abandoned her just as she had feared in the first place? Tell me if even it is only speculation: what is going on whit her? Is she also devastated OR, having painted me black, does she have as much regard for me and memory as something she just threw into the trash?


I think that she is really serious about leaving you behind. The way she left you was very final and devastating. I don't think she'd have done it that way if there had been anything left to bring her back. For whatever reason, she torched that bridge. (Though I do agree with John that it could have been moving in, closeness, and the impending wedding. Might have terrified her - and people can be cruel in their terror.) And regardless of whether or not she felt abandoned, I think you would have heard something from her at some point if she still felt a connection of any kind to you. I'd say it's certain that she has truly abandoned you. 

If she ever does try to come back - I think you would be best served by shutting her out. She dealt you a horrible blow. It's incredible that you could want to reach out again after that, but sadly I think that you would only be flattened by her yet again at some later time. At the very least, the place she was in is not safe for you in the least.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

The message is very clear: Dont contact me.

Something triggered her and she left.
Thats all you need to know.
Just be thankful you arent married and have kids.
On second thought, be thankful your house wasnt burned to the ground.
You just dodged a big bullet.


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