# Anniversary sucks



## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

First let me say thank you to everyone on this site, I haven't been here too long now but everything i read on this site has been a great help so far and will continue to be for some time to come.

With that said I'll give a little background to my story:

Wife and I were high school sweethearts, moved in together right after high-school, lived together for 3yrs and decided it was time to take the next step and get married. We got married Feb. 21st 2009 (a year ago today), bought our first house in Sept 09 and began the start of our lives together. Or so I thought, W started acting funny not too long after that, started hanging around new friends and groups of people I didn't really approve of but she's my wife I'm suppose to be able to trust her so I kept my mouth shut. 

Over the next few months she became more and more distant and was constantly shutting me out. Then it got to the point she'd go out with these so called friends after work and not even come home at night, at this point I knew there was something seriously wrong and it needed to be addressed immediately. Sat her down and we had a serious talk, she told me she's not happy with her life and isn't sure what it is she wants out of life, wasn't sure what would make her happy, all she knew is she wasn't happy with her life right now. I said ok no problem we'll work on things, work on us and bettering our lives together. The next day(Dec. 18) she came home from work early crying saying we needed to talk again, she told me that she had cheated on me and felt horrible about what she's done to me and to us. I got pissed and left the house before I did something stupid, when i got home that night she was gone, left her wedding rings on the table and left. I was completely devastated by this obviously and had no idea what to do. We talked about things over the weekend and I asked her to please come back home, said I was willing to try and work through this, that I wouldn't honor my vows and commitments to her. She came home and wanted to work things out, said that it was one night her friends ditched her at the bar and she ran into someone from high school and was so drunk she went home with him.

The next couple weeks to follow I was all about starting to work on things and figure it out, looking for a marriage counselor, buying relationship books, looking all over the web to find help and all. She really seemed like she could care less, we never got to a counselor, never even opened any of the books. She just continued to say she wasn't happy with her life, blah blah blah. Next thing I know(Jan.16), she says she wants a divorce, that there's no point in trying to work things out because our marriage is already dead to her, gave me the "i love you but I'm not in-love with you" line. Packed all her things and moved into her dad's house. That next weekend I found out it wasn't just one time drunk at the bar that she cheated. She had been sleeping with the OM for 2 months and it wasn't some guy from high school, he actually works at the same hospital we do. This guys almost 20yrs older than her and has a wife and kids of his own, people make me sick.

These last 5 weeks have been hell, we filed papers for divorce last week, i was holding off for a bit with some hope left in my heart but as soon as she began burning through our bank account I knew the process had to be started. My emotions are up and down like a roller coaster constantly but I'm slowly getting better, until today. I thought i was doing pretty good but today is our 1yr anniversary and it hit me like a sack of bricks last night and into today. I haven't cried in a couple weeks until today which brought on the water works. Feels like life as i know it is over and I'm not sure where to go from here, I love her more than I could possibly express and I have to let her go. 

Sorry if this was a little long, been reading the site all day and decided it was time i put myself out there and shared my story too, there's so much more but I'm not writing a novel just an Internet post.

Thank you for your time.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

boarder-I hate to hear everything you are going thru! I'm so sorry she is acting this way to you. I really don't have a lot of advice to give. Just keep posting your feelings as everybody here is pretty supportive.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It is so tough, losing someone we love, There is no easy way around the pain. I admire you for wanting to work it out with her, and now for realizing you have to let go. That is pretty mature.

Be very kind to yourself--think how you would comfort a friend in serious pain, and do those things for yourself. Ask for help/support/company when you need it. You don't have to tell everyone every detail, but don't be afraid to admit you are hurting. Good luck and God bless.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

I think you were simply too young to get married - she wasn't ready to settle down yet, she wanted to fool around, meet other guys etc... You are both still very young. Many marriages end before its first anniversary and even more end before its fifth. In a way it's better to move on - you deserve better than this - and you've got only one life to live - give your love to someone who will cherish it. You seem like a decent guy - I don't think you'll have any problems in finding love again. It will hurt, and it will take a while - but one day you will wake up and you will feel good about yourself again. Just remember - it wasn't your fault, it just happened. Maybe it was meant to be - so you can meet someone even more special one day. Who knows. But one thing is for certain - you wife might regret this decision one day, she might realise how stupid she was etc. - don't let her into your life again, don't let her mess you up again - set up higher standards and tell yourself you deserve better! Because you do.


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

Thanks for the kind words everybody

whattodo17- don't worry about giving advice, just nice to see some response

sisters359- Your right, it's definitely one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my short life so far. It feels twice as hard because I'm not only loosing my wife but my best friend at the same time. We've promised each other we'd remain civil throughout this process and try to retain some kind of friendship between us in the future. 

Nikon- I've been hearing the "too young to get married" thing alot lately, and while i agree to some extent I think it has to do more with actual maturity than age. I'll agree that she was too young to get married especially because the way everything has gone down but I honestly believe I myself am not too young to be married. I was 100% ready to dedicate the rest of my life to her and was perfectly happy being married, unlike her I know that's exactly what I want out of life. As for her your right on the money, she's told me that we took on so much responsibility and I was able to mature and face it and she isn't. Bet you can't guess who gets to find a second job to try and pay the mortgage alone.

As for her regretting all of this, there's no doubt in my mind she will regret it one day. I'm just hoping that day doesn't come too soon because my heart still says let her back but my brain says no, I can't put myself through this pain again in a few months or years if I were to take her back. Just not sure how I'd be able to say no if she came back tomorrow.


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

Hey,
I'm not sure if I totally agree with the statement that you were too young to get married. **** just sometimes happens. When you meet the "one", you just know!
My husband and I are also high school sweethearts, we have now been married for 14 years. My H recently cheated on me. And like you I was completely devastated. Was it because we got married at the age of 19. No, it was because my H suffers depression, and got so low, that he made allot of choices that weren't exactly "great".
Have you ever heard the saying, If you set someone free, and they come back to you. Then they are yours forever.
While i'm not saying hang around for her too come back... as men like yourself are a rare entity. You love her, and no matter what happens, love like that does not just disappear.
I only discovered my H affair 4 months ago (and counting), so i'm not able to give you any real advice about how to deal with the pain. All's I can say, is I understand it. I still find myself (allot less now) having god awfull visions about the whole event. And as silly as it sounds, it literally takes my breath away. 
Your wife has made a decision, that unfortunately you have to live with. Live your life to the full, don't make any rash choices. if she comes back to you, set major ground rules. I am trying to work things thru with my H, and i have to tell you. It's hard.... really hard. It is a constant struggle, and my self esteem is at rock bottom. Arm yourself with all the knowledge you can, and *IF YOU* decide to take your wife back one day... As I do believe she will regret this ONE day. You set the rules. You deserve at least that much.
I really do wish you all the best. Just remember this isn't the end of your road, you have just changed destination!
Good Luck


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Tell me Enough, other than the obvious, what kind of rules do you set that help you feel better? Other than requiring the same 'no contact/open/truthfull' stuff, (obvious) I wonder if there realy are any 'rules' that make coping any easier. Whats done is done, right? what is working in your situation?


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

Enough- You are right, the love i have for her will not just disappear. I still love her today as much as the day I married her, my love for her will never die. But if she were to come back it would be the second time now, i wanted to try the first time and gave her a chance to clear the air and let it all out so we could began moving forward and all i got in return were more lies. I put my foot down, tried to lay the ground rules and yet nothing changed in her court. I don't see how it would be any different the next time around. I would do absolutely anything in the world to get back what we had before all this but as much as it hurts me to say, I don't think it could ever possibly be the same again. Now, if she comes knocking on my door in 5yrs or so I'll invite her in and we'll talk but I can't honestly say what I'll do at that point but I can tell you now that I'm not going to put my life on hold waiting for that day to come. I need to move forward with my own life now. Who knows, maybe when she comes knocking on my door one day my new wife or child might answer it. I do like what you said about it not being the end of the road, that I've just changed destinations, that's a great way to look at it.


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

I'm so sick of all this, she came over today to sign the tax return so i could send it in, simple enough right. Everything with her has to turn into a fight or argument anymore. I'm so sick and tired of all this crap, every time we get into an argument whatever I say or do becomes the reason she left. Before she says shes leaving for her because she doesn't know what she wants in life, then its because she just doesn't love me anymore but its not my fault. Now it's all my fault somehow, apparently I'm the bad guy for wanting to keep communication open between us throughout this divorce. Says every time we talk it turns into an argument and it's because of me. Then of course she brings on the tears because she knows it makes me feel like crap when she cries. Whatever I'm done with this BS, she's really starting to piss me off and I can't be the nice guy anymore. I'm not her shoulder to cry on, she left me, why the hell should I be there to help her cope. 

Sorry about the rant, just had to get it out


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Hey man,

I hear what your saying about her making up reasons to turn things on you and make you feel like the bad guy... my soon to be ex was doing that too until I completely stopped talking to her... She had no real reason to be unhappy with us or the current situation except for total selfishness, so to maybe make herself feel better or something she would cling to anything that she could to turn things on me. I mean, ANYTHING I said or did that could be used... For example, whenever I tried to talk to her, she would clam up and that was it discussion completely over.. So I wrote her a note about all of it, hasty, badly worded, so I threw it away. Even made coffee and dumped the old grounds right on top of it. Decided it was best to sit her down, and said we need to talk RIGHT now. Shortly after is when I packed up my stuff and left. Then, like a week later, were talking on the phone and she says, what about that note you left for me to find in the trash?? No joke... this woman is crazy. She would say, "well you did this, or that, and thats why I feel the way I do"... But before all that it was "I'm just not happy with myself and I scared I'll never be happy and I don't want to drag you down with me blah blah blah"... I'm telling you man, these women are terrible human beings and I for one cannot wait to be rid of her forever, were so much better than this. She can take her miserable life and her dimented family and share it with some other poor sap. Good riddance I say.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

The tears will become less and less of a factor.

Divorce is hardball and as Tom Hanks said,

"There's no crying in baseball."


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

Lifelover- Man if you lived around here I'd buy you a drink, I've read through your thread and your post here and it absolutely amazes me how much your W and mine are alike. Your right, these women are nuts and we are better than them and deserve better too. I'm glad i filed papers last week, hesitated a bit but figured why delay the inevitable, have to wait 90 days anyway so might as well get that started. 

scanner- My new philosophy is if I don't have to see her I don't have to see her start crying for attention. Trying to leave as much space as possible between us right now hoping it will make all this that much easier.

Thanks for the replys


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