# Marriage s*** tests



## TheRock (Jul 12, 2013)

a couple of weeks ago I stumbled upon the idea of the Red Pill. Since then I have been reading through the articles and websites that seem to be in line the with the TRP ideas. While I wouldn't go as far as saying I am full on swallowing TRP there are a lot of very relevant ideas of thinking inside that community that have opened my eyes with regards to the state of my marriage and probably most of the men on here that are having difficulties in there own married life. 

One thing that particularly hit home is the idea of females s*** testing males. One would think that the s*** tests would stop in marriage but to be honest I think it only intensified since my wife and I got married. And I realize that I have been failing miserably. 

I am starting to recognize these s*** tests and deal with them in the proper manner. I have a feeling that it could go either way. 1. maybe I will gain some respect back from my wife. of 2. She is going to feel like the balance of power is being messed with go into full on survival mode. 

Had anybody else recognized this behavior in there spouse and how did you deal with it.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I think I need a translator. What is a red pill? Is this something Neo might swallow from Morpheus?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Well, I'm the one who hands out what is popularly known as sh!t tests in my marriage (more commonly known as just b!tchy behavior). I loooovvve it when my husband recognizes it for what it is and lets it roll off him. Why? Because I need that outlet, and knowing that it's not going to turn my husband into a brooding pr!ck feels SAFE to me. And yes, I do apologize later for my behavior later, and thank him for keeping his cool and not "chameleoning" off my attitude. 

FTR, we used to have a dynamic in which my "sh!t tests" resulted in days of bad mojo. We both have gotten better with handling my "need" to get things off my chest gracelessly.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If your wife is just plain disrespectful of you, there are many ways to handle that. Please beware that the red pill can be very bitter. There are other books, ideas, websites, experts and counselors than just the ones that promote the red pill propaganda.

Sh*t test is just another way of saying someone is trying to manipulate you. Men and women both play manipulative games. Sometimes manipulation is fun and playful and other times it can only do harm.

If your wife is doing you harm, there is definitely much to be concerned about. But just realize that it really would be best to talk to *her* and resolve situations and communicate your real feelings, than to go off entirely on your own and "learn" a lot of things that may not apply to you or her. (Which doesn't mean you shouldn't study and learn all you want...I just mean that if you are looking for answers about your wife, you should at least attempt to get answer about her from her first).

Can you talk to her about manipulation, without being grumpy and manipulative, too? Or are you two at a point beyond this and unable to just communicate?

Have you two had any counseling, together or apart?

What other issues are there in your marriage?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

GettingIt said:


> Well, I'm the one who hands out what is popularly known as sh!t tests in my marriage (more commonly known as just b!tchy behavior). I loooovvve it when my husband recognizes it for what it is and lets it roll off him. Why? Because I need that outlet, and knowing that it's not going to turn my husband into a brooding pr!ck feels SAFE to me. And yes, I do apologize later for my behavior later, and thank him for keeping his cool and not "chameleoning" off my attitude.
> 
> FTR, we used to have a dynamic in which my "sh!t tests" resulted in days of bad mojo. We both have gotten better with handling my "need" to get things off my chest gracelessly.


My sense is that as a man handles them better, they become less common. Failing at them causes distress, which can lead to more tests. 

As one who recognizes this behavior in themselves, do you see that as well?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

sh*t tests are pure manipulation and should not be tolerated by anyone,male or female IMO.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Well, I'm the one who hands out what is popularly known as sh!t tests in my marriage (more commonly known as just b!tchy behavior). *I loooovvve it when my husband recognizes it for what it is and lets it roll off him. Why? Because I need that outlet, and knowing that it's not going to turn my husband into a brooding pr!ck feels SAFE to me. And yes, I do apologize later for my behavior later, and thank him for keeping his cool and not "chameleoning" off my attitude. *
> 
> FTR, we used to have a dynamic in which my "sh!t tests" resulted in days of bad mojo. We both have gotten better with handling my "need" to get things off my chest gracelessly.


GettingIt, you sound just like me! And my husband is not bothered, either!

I think what you said is the key: The man just lets it roll off his back. He even sees it as an opportunity to learn about her, what she thinks and feels, and how she responds to certain things. He values her open expression and trust in him more than any desire to control her.

Dh says women need to do these fitness tests to reassure themselves. He says men should see them as opportunities to grow and learn, and not take them personally. It is the taking them personally that trips men up.

OP, can you give an example of the tests your wife gives you?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> My sense is that as a man handles them better, they become less common. Failing at them causes distress, which can lead to more tests.
> 
> As one who recognizes this behavior in themselves, do you see that as well?


I think so, but it's complicated by the fact that I've worked very hard on reducing this sort of behavior. Also, my husbands reaction often so quickly diffuses the situation (especially when he uses humor), that the whole thing just never gets of the ground and we both end up laughing. 

I have to point out, too, that there seems to be a variation on what folks are considering "sh!t tests." (And, as usual, this lack of a common definition of the central idea will quickly muddy this thread.) The behavior that I refer to in myself usually is irritability that manifests in my "poking" at my husband in an attempt to cause a blow up so that I can really get off my chest what's bothering me. That is a type of manipulation, of course, just not sure if it's what others are working with as an idea of a "sh!t test," too. 

The other thing that I want to point out is that my husband and I worked on reducing the fallout from my poor behavior TOGETHER. He didn't take the red pill behind my back, rather I recommended he try that approach because it seemed to be a reasonable way to improve our dynamic. Many of the things recommended in that approach were things I'd been asking him to do, anyway. I hated feeling like anytime I was having a bad day, he was going to fall apart. I think lots of people would look at my behavior and say, "oh so what, everyone gets grumpy once in awhile." But it doesn't matter what others think; only that it was affecting my husband negatively, and thus our marriage. 

So, as FW recommends, do talk to your wife about this and try to get to the root of her behavior, and ask her to work on a fix WITH you. Of course she should be held accountable for her bad behavior--but if you look to understand it, you might just be surprised at what you discover. We are all individuals, and the reasons for her bad behavior are going to differ from that of the next woman. 

Good luck!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Shlt test (aka fitness test) is defined as:

A provocation intended to test both your emotional stability and conflict management skills. 





GettingIt said:


> I think so, but it's complicated by the fact that I've worked very hard on reducing this sort of behavior. Also, my husbands reaction often so quickly diffuses the situation (especially when he uses humor), that the whole thing just never gets of the ground and we both end up laughing.
> 
> I have to point out, too, that there seems to be a variation on what folks are considering "sh!t tests." (And, as usual, this lack of a common definition of the central idea will quickly muddy this thread.) The behavior that I refer to in myself usually is irritability that manifests in my "poking" at my husband in an attempt to cause a blow up so that I can really get off my chest what's bothering me. That is a type of manipulation, of course, just not sure if it's what others are working with as an idea of a "sh!t test," too.
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Shlt test (aka fitness test) is defined as:
> 
> A provocation intended to test both your emotional stability and conflict management skills.


I can see how a man might define them that way. How do you think a woman might?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

GettingIt said:


> I think so, but it's complicated by the fact that I've worked very hard on reducing this sort of behavior. Also, my husbands reaction often so quickly diffuses the situation (especially when he uses humor), that the whole thing just never gets of the ground and we both end up laughing.
> 
> I have to point out, too, that there seems to be a variation on what folks are considering "sh!t tests." (And, as usual, this lack of a common definition of the central idea will quickly muddy this thread.) The behavior that I refer to in myself usually is irritability that manifests in my "poking" at my husband in an attempt to cause a blow up so that I can really get off my chest what's bothering me. That is a type of manipulation, of course, just not sure if it's what others are working with as an idea of a "sh!t test," too.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the thoughts. This provides some good insight.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Shlt test (aka fitness test) is defined as:
> 
> A provocation intended to test both your emotional stability and conflict management skills.


Part of the problem is that this is how men have come to frame a type of behavior from their parter. It's behavior that they do not like, and that they do not understand. A large percentage of married people (men and women alike) experience, at some point, behavior from their spouse that they don't like or understand. 

To categorize ALL of that behavior from women as "sh!t testing," and, furthermore, to say that it has a (conscious or subconscious) intent behind it seems a stretch. 

BUT . . . it seems to help some men to view it this way because it provides context, meaning, purpose and, above all, proscribes a way to respond. And this is comforting to some men because I think that it can be terrifying to see behavior from your partner that you don't understand, you don't like, and you don't know how to respond to. 

Is my behavior *really* sh!t testing? No, I don't think so. I have bad days, just like anyone else. I have days when I feel thoughtful and a bit withdrawn. I have days when I'm distracted by a worry or an obligation. I have days when I am tired. I have days when I'm feeling feisty and sassy. My husband prefers me to be steadily cheerful and present--this helps keep him even keel. When I seem even slightly "off" to him, it throws him off balance, too. We are of wildly differing personalities--another man probably wouldn't even notice the variations in my demeanor. Not so my husband. So, to him, the "sh!t tests" are real, and that is all that really matters. 

So we talked about it, identified this part of our dynamic as problematic, and came up with so-called red pill behavior as go-to way for him react when he was uncomfortable with my mood. At the same time, I worked on becoming more communicative about how I was feeling when he'd ask. 

I can see why men turn to ideas like the red pill when they are frustrated. Sometimes you try to communicate, and you fail. You can't get your wife to budge. You have to do something . . . and here is this plan that describes how your wife's behavior makes you feel, and gives you a reason and a plan. Hell yeah, it looks good--sure as hell beats what you're doing, anyway.. I can't say I blame men for giving it a whirl, though whether or not it makes things better or worse for a marriage depends entirely on the individual dynamics. Of course, it's always best to work WITH your partner on a solution, but when you're feeling alone and frustrated . . . sure, you want to try something. I get that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

GI,
Here's the beauty of emotional stability - it's helpful in all those situations you described. 

The noise level stuff: 
This is seemingly random (they seem random when to the best of your knowledge you haven't caused them) variations in your partners behavior that fall within a range.

This is stuff you don't respond to. Maybe they are a little tense, or quiet or aggressive. 

An emerging pattern: 
If there is a real shift in those areas, that persists for a while, it's good to respond to it. 

That doesn't necessarily mean a conversation. Might just be a small adjustment in your own behavior. If a conversation is required, calm, brief and non judgmental works well. 

Behavior that appears sharply focused at you: It's easy to ask: are you upset with me - in a non defensive way - if you have a decent opinion of yourself. 

And if you don't get defensive - people are pretty comfortable telling you the truth. And if you're self aware you can even guess what it is. Are you upset that I did/didn't do x?







GettingIt said:


> Part of the problem is that this is how men have come to frame a type of behavior from their parter. It's behavior that they do not like, and that they do not understand. A large percentage of married people (men and women alike) experience, at some point, behavior from their spouse that they don't like or understand.
> 
> To categorize ALL of that behavior from women as "sh!t testing," and, furthermore, to say that it has a (conscious or subconscious) intent behind it seems a stretch.
> 
> ...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

SH** tests = adhd = COPOUT

4 BAD BEHAVIOR (FEMALE)


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I don't think sh!t test are intentional most of the time. They are innate and sometimes an after thought even because people judge us based on how we react. 

Sometimes we don't handle a situation right and the sh!t test is the redo. Other times it's born of insecurity. A women (i'm a guy so I'll use woman In my example) may not feel safe or protected and will therefore push boundaries to feel safe. Really it boils down to trust or insecurity as to why a test is needed.

Bottom line is that it's biological but if we pass tests by not accepting sh!t then there's no problem. A lot of well meaning men fail sh!t tests though.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I wanted to put a like on your post, Thundarr, but then I read the last paragraph and I could not.

Not accepting ****?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jld said:


> I wanted to put a like on your post, Thundarr, but then I read the last paragraph and I could not.
> 
> Not accepting ****?


You agree more than you think you do jld. Based on your other thread, having a guy who can handle your sh!t is the test. So if you get angry and Dug handles it the way you need him to then he's passed the test. Also Dug (your hubby for those who don't know) seems to understand this.

In mine and my wife's case, the tests were custom to her and I.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, okay then!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The whole premise of sheet tests is to see how the partner will react.

I perhaps the time devising and administering and taking and grading said tests could be better spent.

Are people this bad in reading other people or what?


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