# Why do we torture ourselves with questions?



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

So someone smarter than me explain why we ask every little detail. Why do we cause ourselves such pain. I have now been cheated on twice in 9 months by my husband. I have learnt all about cake eating, trickle truth, and all that pain twice in 9 months. Today I sat crying in our old room so upset because I thought he had sex in our bed with the other woman. Turns out it was the couch. Why did he leave me in that pain? Then I found out a trickle truth, he lied about her meeting my children. He said she came over after they were asleep but she didn't. So my kids met her in my old house, or the house I still pay for cause he has no money. He said they did not have sex that night but I just can't believe him. He says I am a *****, he says I will punish him forever, he said he had sex with her cause having sex with me is like having sex with a pillow. Then he says he wants me back and he wants to try and that he broke up with her just for me. I don't know how somebody is so all over the place. He said that if I am not with him I will become a bitter lonely person with no friends, my kids will hate me, and it is all my fault cause I am heartless and didn't treat him well enough.
So I left and put a call blocker on my phone. And now I sit on my computer trying to figure out how this is all my fault and crying over a man that is not worth crying over. Hmmm maybe I am more messed up that he his. Sorry for the rant I am having a bad day, D-Day 2 is way worse than D-Day 1. Guess I should be glad they were only 9 months apart and not years. There is always a silver lining.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> he said he had sex with her cause having sex with me is like having sex with a pillow


wow....so painful to hear, the entire thing is very sad......

I can only speak for myself, but I had to know all the details in order to know what to forgive, I coudlnt deal with just writing a blank check for betrayal...wouldnt have worked for me...plus I wanted her to expose every single detail about her tryst and leave nothing secret or untold between her and her AP.....


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> So someone smarter than me explain why we ask every little detail. Why do we cause ourselves such pain. I have now been cheated on twice in 9 months by my husband. I have learnt all about cake eating, trickle truth, and all that pain twice in 9 months. Today I sat crying in our old room so upset because I thought he had sex in our bed with the other woman. Turns out it was the couch. Why did he leave me in that pain? Then I found out a trickle truth, he lied about her meeting my children. He said she came over after they were asleep but she didn't. So my kids met her in my old house, or the house I still pay for cause he has no money. He said they did not have sex that night but I just can't believe him. He says I am a *****, he says I will punish him forever, he said he had sex with her cause having sex with me is like having sex with a pillow. Then he says he wants me back and he wants to try and that he broke up with her just for me. I don't know how somebody is so all over the place. He said that if I am not with him I will become a bitter lonely person with no friends, my kids will hate me, and it is all my fault cause I am heartless and didn't treat him well enough.
> So I left and put a call blocker on my phone. And now I sit on my computer trying to figure out how this is all my fault and crying over a man that is not worth crying over. Hmmm maybe I am more messed up that he his. Sorry for the rant I am having a bad day, D-Day 2 is way worse than D-Day 1. Guess I should be glad they were only 9 months apart and not years. There is always a silver lining.


I didn't. I never wanted to know any details. In fact, although 'intellectually' I knew my wife and her lover had sex (I was cut off from sex for the duration of her affair) emotionally I refused to accept it and actually buried the idea of them having sex for a long time.

I coped by not wanting or asking for any details. Could I have coped? No. I couldn't have coped.


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

The same reason we left the caves and traveled across oceans, to explore, whether it be a new land or the truth. The truth is often more painful than not but the yearning for obtaining the facts will always outweigh the negatives, at least later on.

It is also a very effective learning mechanism. By knowing how ruthless one can treat us we will now know that anyone is capable of being in such a manner. We so often do not acknowledge even the slightest deception from a loved one at first and even less after a while. But love is not for the timid and the tender injury of a bloody nose seems to only be wiped away by the impact of the truth.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you even listening to what he says? He will try anything to manipulate you into staying. He's an unreformed cheater. And if you stay the odds are excellent you will face DD3, etc. at some point in the future.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

JB, I am sorry you are here. Why do you tie your happiness to someone who constantly hurts you? I wish you all the best and be strong. Don't pay him any mind and focus on the positive things in your life.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

We...or rather I....think that we want to know what and why purely and only to see if they can give any truth after all the lies. The rebuilding of the trust. The knowing why means they are prepared to face it and deal with it. Secondary, to know the truth helps with the what ifs. We aLL need our questions answered and our unknowns knowned. Why do soap operas on TV exist for? Cluedo? We all need the truth. Funnily enough, even a liar wishes for the truth in return!


Your man is treating you as a complete sap. He is cheating on you and then when you question him he is calling you these names and expecting you to stay! I understand being with an arse hole, he is treating you just like one. Is that all you are meant for? To be with an arse hole and for him to convince you that you should be grateful for his crap?


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> So someone smarter than me explain why we ask every little detail. Why do we cause ourselves such pain. I have now been cheated on twice in 9 months by my husband. I have learnt all about cake eating, trickle truth, and all that pain twice in 9 months. Today I sat crying in our old room so upset because I thought he had sex in our bed with the other woman. Turns out it was the couch. Why did he leave me in that pain? Then I found out a trickle truth, he lied about her meeting my children. He said she came over after they were asleep but she didn't. So my kids met her in my old house, or the house I still pay for cause he has no money. He said they did not have sex that night but I just can't believe him. He says I am a *****, he says I will punish him forever, he said he had sex with her cause having sex with me is like having sex with a pillow. Then he says he wants me back and he wants to try and that he broke up with her just for me. I don't know how somebody is so all over the place. He said that if I am not with him I will become a bitter lonely person with no friends, my kids will hate me, and it is all my fault cause I am heartless and didn't treat him well enough.
> So I left and put a call blocker on my phone. And now I sit on my computer trying to figure out how this is all my fault and crying over a man that is not worth crying over. Hmmm maybe I am more messed up that he his. Sorry for the rant I am having a bad day, D-Day 2 is way worse than D-Day 1. Guess I should be glad they were only 9 months apart and not years. There is always a silver lining.


You are in a bad way.

I'm not sure if you read my post on your other thread but I will write what I wrote there. Your husband is a massive tool and an a**hole.

His words are little more than verbal/emotional abuse and you're hurting because you do not value yourself and have an extremely poor sense of self worth and self-esteem. These are basically mind games, gas-lighting and blame shifting. He makes you feel like s*** and it has you feeling down but in the same vein craving his validation and approval.

You know how battered women keep going back to their abuser? Well the same psychology and cycle of abuse applies to you.

It is as the saying goes, "Girls like a**holes and women like confidence". His words would have no affect on a strong and confident women and that is what you need to be.

He is treating you with the same amount of respect that you have for yourself which in your case is none.



jelly_bean said:


> And now I sit on my computer trying to figure out how this is all my fault and crying over a man that is not worth crying over a man that is not worth crying over


It is not your fault, even though he has you buying his bull**** and believing otherwise, be smart. Never underestimate the affect gas-lighting and verbal abuse can have on you. You need to be away from him. You cannot control how someone treats you and you are not responsible for their behaviour. You are only responsible for your actions and your behaviour and how you allow someone to treat you.

Your husband is an a**hole and behaving exactly how a**holes behaves. He is not special or unique. There are a lot of men and women like him in the world. Heck I could choose to behave like your husband and have someone feeling exactly the way that you do now because there are so many women in this world who don't value themselves, have low self-esteem and unresolved childhood or father issues.

He is not going to change who he is, why would he? He has had a lot of success being the a**hole that he is. If you keep hanging on because you hope he’s going to change, you are in for a *HUGE* amount of disappointment *again*.

Don’t waste your life, you're worth so much more. There are a ton of awesome men out there waiting to meet someone like you.

It's time now to pck your self up, be strong and move on (for real this time).



Locke.Stratos said:


> The focus now should be on you healing and moving forward. I understand that it is hard to let go and it will take time, there is no denying that. In the meanwhile you should make the effort to take care of yourself.
> 
> You are familiar with the 180 so adhere to its guideline. You also need to take care of your emotional and physical well-being. Take care of your body, exercise regularly throughout the week. Set fitness goals and activities for yourself. Join a gym or take up a sport. It will help improve your mood and your confidence. Eat healthy and rest well each night.
> 
> ...


I couldn't have written the above better myself.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

I wanted to know all the details for a couple of reasons. One was to make sure I actually knew the whole gravity of the offense I was being asked to forgive. Another was because my mind was filling in all the blanks by itself, and my mind used the worst case scenario to do it. The facts of the matter helped erase some of the stuff my mind put in place.

I still have problems to this day, however. There is a key part of her story that I will never be able to confirm, and I don't trust her enough to take her word for it.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

jelly_bean

I had to know everything about my WW EA, and PA. I had to know the depth of their relationship (eye roll) to know what I was forgiving. Unfortunately that caused more devastation and I later became suicidal. Death seemed to be the only way to end the excruciating pain that I felt. I have been in IC and MC which has helped but I have found that time doesn't heal all wounds as the pain is still present. Not as sharp but ever so present all the same. I couldn't imagine what a second d-day would be like. My heart was ripped from my chest on the first one, I think the second would kill me. I hope you have support around you in friends or family. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

