# What to do now?



## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

I posted a few weeks ago in considering seperation/divorce. At the time my wife had claimed to have already filed. Weeks passed, no papers. I finally filed, she found out a few days ago. 

She has been having an affair with a married man since June. I contacted his wife on d-day, 9/12/12. Blew it wide open, told her family, we live in a town of 400, everybody knows. I kicked her out of the house the next day. The affair is still going on, I am so tired of her lies, and it's so hard on our 3 kids, ages 2,4,6.

I had thought about filing right away, but I wasn't in the best frame of mind for such decisions, so I waited. Went to counseling, as I have now learned is pointless if the A is still active. I am in regular contact with the OM's wife, they are counseling as well.

He has no intention of leaving his marriage, and she keeps giving him chances. She says things like "he hasn't been real honest lately", or he says they just kissed. So frustrating dealing with morons!

My wife has caused so much pain, it's unbelievable. She has told me she's planning a new life with him, etc, etc. She's currently running out of money in her new house, he won't support her, his wife is the primary breadwinner.

Anyway, my dilema is that I do still love my wife, 13yrs together. I just want my kids to have the upbringing they deserve. I understand that she would have to really do some heavy lifting at this point to save it, as she has done nothing so far. 

Once she found I filed, she has been super nice. Brought me cookies the other morning. Offered to cook me supper the other night, I took her up on it, right or wrong, I miss her cooking, it's been 4 months. She hasn't discussed us, and neither have I. I have been strong and happy around her lately, I am detaching/healing finally. I do not know if she signed the papers yet.

I would slowly work on this, but how do I approach it? Right now just living my life, taking care of my kids seems to work. Do I tell her that I'm open to still working on it? My problem is that I don't really know if/when the affair will end. I feel I should just continue to go on as I am and let her come to me and show me. 

I can't believe I would ever entertain taking her back, maybe I shouldn't.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You can only take her back on your terms and if she is willing to be 100% honest and transparent. Has she shown any remorse? Sounds like she is still in the fog. The reality of rent money is probably clearing her head quickly. Just don't be her backstop. Think really hard about what she has done to you and your THREE young children. Consider if you will ever be able to rebuild a certain level of trust and what you need HER to do to help you.

Good luck with your decision.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I like most people say on here you are plan B.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Are you willing to be a doormat? If so, take her back. Let her continue to see the OM and communicate and have sex with him while you stand idly by, eagerly awaiting her return home. Let her walk all over you and your children so she can have her cake and eat it too. Let your children see the destructive nature of their parents' mistakes so they can learn from them as they grow up in their unhappy household. 

WAKE UP!!!!! HELLOOOOO???? Where is your self-respect, man??? She hasn't seen the one way ticket to Divorceville yet because you haven't shown her the door! Show it to her, let her face it, let her stand there and soak it all in! 

She hasn't shown you ANY remorse!! That's a straight recipe for a disasterous marriage. She should be BEGGING you for a second chance. 

I understand why you didn't file right away (I did the same thing because I felt like I wasn't thinking clearly after Dday), but I kicked his a$$ to the curb right away after I discovered his infidelity! He's begging me now and has done every ridiculous thing I've asked him to do. I have complete access to everything and I STILL won't let him come home. MAAAYBE he can come home when I've decided I want to try again... IF I decide that. I actually told him to go have his prostitutes, sex forums, sexting friends... I told him to go have all of it. But I won't be around for any of it ever again and that's the last time he'll ever see me for the rest of his life. He snapped out of it real quick and is still begging. Its been 4 months, and I'm actually starting to think that I dont want him back now. 

Kick her out. Cut her off. Cut communication with her. BE FIRM! You have to REFUSE to be her doormat or her Plan B. That's complete bull***t if she thinks she can have both men. Have some respect for yourself and your children!!!


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

greenmachine said:


> I posted a few weeks ago in considering seperation/divorce. At the time my wife had claimed to have already filed. Weeks passed, no papers. I finally filed, she found out a few days ago.
> 
> She has been having an affair with a married man since June. I contacted his wife on d-day, 9/12/12. Blew it wide open, told her family, we live in a town of 400, everybody knows. I kicked her out of the house the next day. The affair is still going on, I am so tired of her lies, and it's so hard on our 3 kids, ages 2,4,6.
> 
> ...


greenmachine, I'm sorry you are in this situation, but...count your blessings. You're telling us that OM has no intention of leaving his wife - this is great news! 

Your wife is currently fogged-out from the affair. Your best bet at this point is to be at your Plan A best. Do you know what Plan A is? Be at your best; if there is anything you need to work on that would attract her to you, work on it. Do you need to lose weight? START WORKING OUT. Do you need to be kinder, less critical? DO IT. You want her to see a better Greenmachine when she talks to you. 

Let her know that you want your marriage and family and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Question: where are your children? They need to be at home with YOU, the stable parent.

Are you financing her single life in any way? Stop.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You will see this more than once. You will be divorced. You can pick now or you can pick the same result in a year. 

If you pick now your dating value is higher. Work on yourself. Lift weight in a gym to make yourself more attractive and find a loyal woman. Success is the best revenge.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You are living in the past. I know, you have kids and you want a mom there for them. The PROBLEM is that, She has NO HONOR! She can not be trusted. She would leave them in the car just to have sex with this guy. Trust me, I know woman like your STBXW! Do not fall for the "It would be so much better if we could just go back to the way it was!" It will NEVER be the way it was!NEVER!
You should start looking for a new town to live and work in. With the internet, you can meet all sorts of women if that i what you need. Good luck and keep us posted on whats going on. David


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sirdano said:


> I like most people say on here you are plan B.


Nope. Not even that. She is so fogged up she thinks she can keep her husband happy by just bringing him cookies or cooking him the odd meal or two.

Greenmachine, buy yourself these books and* tell her you are doing it*:-
101 Easy Peasy Cookie Recipes: Lucinda Wallace, Heather Wallace: 9781434821744: Amazon.com: Books

Divorced Dad's Cooking Survival Guide: Jon Williams: 9781105178634: Amazon.com: Books


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> You will see this more than once. You will be divorced. You can pick now or you can pick the same result in a year.
> 
> If you pick now your dating value is higher. Work on yourself. Lift weight in a gym to make yourself more attractive and find a loyal woman. Success is the best revenge.


Baloney. Ignore this, green.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'd keep detaching and go through with the divorce. What do you think her reaction would be if the OM suddenly decided to go back after your wife? Think she'd stick around for you?

Since her Plan A fell through (and her Plan A was not you), she's trying to fall back on her Plan B. Especially since it looks like even her Plan B is going to fall through. You deserve better than that. You gave her 13 years. You're the father to 3 of her children. Don't sell yourself short.

Keep detaching. Don't talk about reconciling or working on the marriage. Make HER work to get YOU back. All you can do is work on yourself. You can't force her to love you or check back in the marriage and she's not going to respect you if you try. At least not without any consequences on her part.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Jasel said:


> I'd keep detaching and go through with the divorce. What do you think her reaction would be if the OM suddenly decided to go back after your wife? Think she'd stick around for you?
> 
> Since her Plan A fell through (and her Plan A was not you), she's trying to fall back on her Plan B. You deserve better than that. You gave her 13 years. You're the father to 3 of her children. Don't sell yourself short.
> 
> Keep detaching. Don't talk about reconciling or working on the marriage. Make HER work to get YOU back. All you can do is work on yourself. You can't force her to love you or check back in the marriage and she's not going to respect you if you try.


Ignore this too, green. I have no idea what this whole 'detaching' thing is, but if you want to remain married, you don't attempt to 'detach'.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Have you been married the whole 13 years?

Do your parents or other relatives live near by? Hers?

Do you know why she started the affair?

Who tends to your kids?

How are your finances?

Does she have any reason to think you'bee unfaithul to her with another woman, or by drug or alcohol abuse? Physical abuse?

There may be no point in reconcilling with her if the underlying problems, if any, continue to exist or are unsurmountable.

Up to this summer, has she always been faithful?

The answers to these questions can help posters offer better advice.

Sorry for your situation.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Jasel said:


> I'd keep detaching and go through with the divorce. What do you think her reaction would be if the OM suddenly decided to go back after your wife? Think she'd stick around for you?
> 
> Since her Plan A fell through (and her Plan A was not you), she's trying to fall back on her Plan B. Especially since it looks like even her Plan B is going to fall through. You deserve better than that. You gave her 13 years. You're the father to 3 of her children. Don't sell yourself short.
> 
> Keep detaching. Don't talk about reconciling or working on the marriage. Make HER work to get YOU back. All you can do is work on yourself. You can't force her to love you or check back in the marriage and she's not going to respect you if you try. At least not without any consequences on her part.


NO. WRONG. Green, you're the lighthouse; show her the way to come home.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm not saying if she's willing to reconcile don't go for it but just because she says she is doesn't necessarily make it true. How many stories do we see here of cheating spouses saying they want to reconcile only for them to either be lying or flake out? 

Like I asked before, what does he think her reaction would be if the OM came back into the picture?

This does not sound like a woman who is serious about reconciling. Not unless she proves it anyway.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Jasel said:


> I'm not saying if she's willing to reconcile don't go for it but just because she says she is doesn't necessarily make it true. How many stories do we see here of cheating spouses saying they want to reconcile only for them to either be lying or flake out?
> 
> Like I asked before, what does he think her reaction would be if the OM came back into the picture?
> 
> This does not sound like a woman who is serious about reconciling. Not unless she proves it anyway.


This post has nothing to do with whether or not she wants to reconcile. Where did you see that she wants to reconcile? 

I suspect she will be hoping to recocile shortly, but that isn't the case right now, so I'm lost as to how to address your comment.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry I'm reading through a few threads at once and getting my wires a bit crossed. But I stand by what I said about detaching in his case.


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

Please be respectful with your advice. Name calling is against the rules on TAM. I will be editing posts to omit name calling.

Please review the guidelines for further guidance. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2117-forum-rules-please-read-first.html


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Jasel said:


> Sorry I'm reading through a few threads at once and getting my wires a bit crossed. But I stand by what I said about detaching in his case.


We'll agree to disagree, then. 

If he doesn't disengage from his wife, he'll probably save his marriage. If not...it'll probably to stay together. His call.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

OP is hoping for R. 

His wife is still involved with OM, so he needs to kill the affair.

He has done the proper steps of exposure and filing for D. He has drawn a hard line in the sand about what he will tolerate in a marriage.

Green, continue to work on killing the affair. The baking cookies thing, although it seems a little trivial, might indicate that you've put a "crack" in the fog she is living in. I'd consider it a good sign. My STBXW didn't come out of her fog until I filed and moved out. I'm not looking for R in my situation, but I did find it encouraging that the advice so many posters give to 'file' was spot on.

This is your life. If you are willing to forgive her and take her back, then by all means fight hard to kill that affair. Once the fog lifts, see if she's willing to do some major heavy lifting and counselling to make things right between you two.

Do not stop the D process. Hell, some people don't actually reconcile until after the divorce is final. But don't stop the process until you are 100% positive she wants to R.


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

I did explain our whole story in my other post, but quickly, here goes. And to answer some of walkonmars's questions.

Married 7 of 13yrs. No drug abuse, we both drink, not excessively. My parents are 30miles away, hers 60 miles away. (close by our standards out here). 

I did see an ex girlfriend about 6 months into our relationship, big mistake, confessed, never made that mistake again. She is extremely jealous, but I have been since faithful.

We started our own business in 06. No, our finances are not good. A traumatic pregnancy in 2010 set us back, she was always in charge of finances, she is an accountant. I never knew how bad it was until she left. Alot of bills were not paid, turned into collections, etc. She said she was afraid to tell me.

I feel she has been different since the pregnancy, possibly depression, won't admit anythings wrong. About 1.5 yrs ago she got boobs done, lipo, lost 40lbs, teeth fixed. I feel she was planning on leaving looking back.

My role was pushing too hard with my business, i'm a workaholic. She probably felt neglected, I did too sometimes, but I felt that 3 young kids, (one with hearing loss) and trying to stay financially stable were our current priorities. 

I can understand her need for someone to tell her that everything she did was right, as I didn't always feel that way, but I never pointed it out, also not much affirmation. I guess communication was our biggest problem. No arguments to speak of in 13yrs. Intimacy was always good.

No, I don't think she has been unfaithful until recently, just not her nature. I can't believe the person I'm dealing with now.

We are sharing the kids, I pay for all of their needs. I cut her off financially in Oct.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Things don't look good. Not at all. I believe you are correct on several counts. 
Getting implants for purely cosmetic reasons when she KNEW the family finances were shaky was a huge betrayal, IMO, to the stability of your family.

Unless she is mentally ill, she was planning on doing something to change her life. And I'm sure you know it didn't include you. The things you see as deficient on your part are things that a great number of marriages endure, and do so without infidelity. 

So, if what you say about yourself and your behavior is true, then you bear little if any responsibility for her desire to want a change in her life. That being the case, what will be different if she were to come back? Why would she?

The only things I can think of is money and possibly companionship - someone to help take care of the kids mostly.

I think you are level headed enough to know that if it wasn't for the OM being married she would be living with him full time and not give you a second thought.
Am I wrong?

There are probably issues surrounding the troubled pregnancy, but that DOES NOT IN ANY WAY justify her actions. 

You have or had dreams of growing old with her and bouncing your grandkids on your knee as she sat by your side. Those are not her dreams and have not been her dreams for at least a year. Proabably longer than that. Her dreams, her real dreams involve someone else. 

There's nothing you can do about that right now. She has her own mind, she is an adult. Let her go. Click on my sig "letting go".


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

greenmachine said:


> I am in regular contact with the OM's wife, they are counseling as well.


Is the OMW aware that the OM is cake-eating,or is it that your wife is just still in the affair in her own mind? Is it one-sided at this point?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

committedwife said:


> NO. WRONG. Green, you're the lighthouse; show her the way to come home.


Commitedwife, you are unbelievably wrong with your comments and advise. 

In the interest of the OP you should stop giving your erroneous opinions!


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

I think the OMW is in denial, they are just friends that stay out until 4am. They were together on new years, not alone though. I do think she's expecting more from the affair than he is willing to give. She had it all, a house we owned, security, a stable home for children, how can someone throw it away so easily?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

greenmachine said:


> She had it all, a house we owned, security, a stable home for children, how can someone throw it away so easily?


This.

I mean no disrespect, but I think she may have a mental illness or a personality disorder. Is she moody? Flights of ideas? Hypersexuality? Possible bipolar?

Very few healthy Mothers leave 3 children that young. An affair is one thing, but leaving your babies is another.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm guessing she still has keys to your house. Change the locks. If she brings you cookies or whatever, tell her to take them to the OMW for her kids. Show her , even if you have tofake it, taht you and the kids are moving on and things are getting way better. Do not let her into the house if she has moved out.

Change your hairstyle, new cut, get some new clothes, go out and make sure hse knows, even if its fake, that you are looking for her replacement. (BTW, someone quoted stats here that 80% of the women that get the work done on them that she did get divorced, they can't handle all the new attention of men). If you want to reconcile with her, and I can't see why you would, you have to up your sex rank like she did. Lok it up.

First read Married Man Sex Life Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Have your lawyer strike while he can, her abandoning her kids helps out a lot.


_Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emerald said:


> This.
> 
> I mean no disrespect, but I think she may have a mental illness or a personality disorder. Is she moody? Flights of ideas? Hypersexuality? Possible bipolar?
> 
> Very few healthy Mothers leave 3 children that young. An affair is one thing, but leaving your babies is another.


Post Partum or Post Natal Depression, perhaps? Might be why she felt able to leave the children? :scratchhead:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Emerald said:


> This.
> 
> I mean no disrespect, but I think she may have a mental illness or a personality disorder. Is she moody? Flights of ideas? Hypersexuality? Possible bipolar?
> 
> Very few healthy Mothers leave 3 children that young. An affair is one thing, but leaving your babies is another.


She had work done, she now sees hubby and kids as not good enough for her. This is the rule not the exception for women getting , gastric bypass, new boobs, lipo etc. Who knew?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The suicide rate for women with breast implants is double that of other women.


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

I can't say she left her kids behind, she is a good mother usually. I can see that having an affair is abandoning them to a point. We are sharing custody for now. She has put way more effort in having/hiding the affair than working with our youngest son, who has hearing loss. This really makes me mad. Now he's torn between two households, tons of stress, daycare now, he's not getting the attention/work he needs at this critical time in his life. 

Her selfishness has really hurt our family. My selfesteem has tanked, all the hurtful things she has said/done. I just wish people would go to their partner and talk, work, try, before going down this route.

I do feel she has some type of disorder, maybe bpd. She is very extreme at times. Thru most of our relationship she worshipped me. Showered me with gifts, expensive ones. I got gifts, but never emotions, talks, feelings. Everything was always fine she said. Yes, I would say she is hypersexual at times. 

I can't help her as much as I'd like to, I just have to keep moving forward.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

greenmachine said:


> I can't say she left her kids behind, she is a good mother usually. I can see that having an affair is abandoning them to a point. We are sharing custody for now. She has put way more effort in having/hiding the affair than working with our youngest son, who has hearing loss. This really makes me mad. Now he's torn between two households, tons of stress, daycare now, he's not getting the attention/work he needs at this critical time in his life.
> 
> Her selfishness has really hurt our family. My selfesteem has tanked, all the hurtful things she has said/done. I just wish people would go to their partner and talk, work, try, before going down this route.
> 
> ...


No. And why can't you help her as much as you'd like to? Because you are not a psychiatrist. Your wife needs expert help before she really does something very, very bad.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Emerald said:


> This.
> 
> I mean no disrespect, but I think she may have a mental illness or a personality disorder. Is she moody? Flights of ideas? Hypersexuality? Possible bipolar?
> 
> Very few healthy Mothers leave 3 children that young. An affair is one thing, but leaving your babies is another.





MattMatt said:


> Post Partum or Post Natal Depression, perhaps? Might be why she felt able to leave the children? :scratchhead:



Yes, this is a definite possibility. Of course, it's not much better when the kids are older. It just highlights the incredibly selfish mindset that is required for an affair when you have kids. My stbxw would always claim that "she ALWAYS loved our children". And that may be true. But she sure wasn't thinking about them when she had her EA and then her PA (kids were 8 and 10). It took a LOT of her time away from the family. She missed a lot of family memories. Her POSOM had a 1 year old and a 3 year old too. Divorced his wife during the EA (he had another girlfriend too - PA with girlfriend while having an EA with my wife. Then a PA with my wife while engaged to his current wife). Unbelievable.

Note: My wife had Post Partum after our first child and wasn't "normal" for about 2 years. In hindsight, I wonder if she ever fully recovered - always had a little bit of resentment about motherhood - like it took away a lot of her freedom. Yet she still (in her own way) truly loves our kids. It's a real conflicted mentality. No wonder she's messed up.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

GreenMachine

You should not help her.

She is the one that needs to decide she needs help and then gets it.

And help is not lying about finances. Help is not putting an Affair beofre your marriage or family. Help is not getting personal cosmetic surgery when you have a special needs child at home.

Your wife moved out. Now let her feel the consequences of her actions.

Proceed with your D in your good time. It is your decision.

She will never come home willingly or to you if the Affair is still going on. Especially if she is keeping it hidden.

Your focus needs to be on you, your self esteem and your kids.

You do realize that her Affair truly had little to do with you or your marriage.

Your wife kas issues GM. And you cannot fix them.

Only her and a good shrink can do that.

HM64


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Things don't look good. Not at all. I believe you are correct on several counts.
> *Getting implants for purely cosmetic reasons when she KNEW the family finances were shaky was a huge betrayal, IMO, to the stability of your family.*
> 
> *Unless she is mentally ill, she was planning on doing something to change her life. And I'm sure you know it didn't include you.* The things you see as deficient on your part are things that a great number of marriages endure, and do so without infidelity.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

Before I found out about the affair, she started to see a counselor on her own. I think it was so she could tell her story and get justification for the affair. The problem is that he doesn't know the whole story. She stopped going to him a few months back, said he wasn't helping her, and she couldn't afford it. I offered to pay for a physiatric evaluation, more counseling. She agreed, but then I felt that it would be a waste of money since "nothing is wrong with me".

A person this stubborn is pretty difficult to help. During her first pregnancy, she was throwing bales to the horses the day before she gave birth. I tried to tell her that she had no business doing that, just rest. She insisted. With our last child, it was July, 100degrees, we sold our parts store and were in the process of moving it out, a stressful time. She was right there, helping. I, my dad, her parents, all told her to go home and rest, she refused. This led to high bloodpressure, emergency c-section, our son was unconcious for 12 min. She blamed it on me during an argument a while back. 

She is in denial over him, I have tried to be as supportive as I can. I struggle with him at times, as I have never had to deal with this before. Just wish she could have focused on the kids and not herself.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

greenmachine said:


> She has been having an affair with a married man since June. I contacted his wife on d-day, 9/12/12. Blew it wide open, told her family, we live in a town of 400, everybody knows. I kicked her out of the house the next day. The affair is still going on, I am so tired of her lies, and it's so hard on our 3 kids, *ages 2*,4,6.
> 
> She has put way more effort in having/hiding the affair than working with *our youngest son, who has hearing loss*.
> 
> ...


Your wife became very resentful, not only of you, but of your dad, her parents, for telling her how bad a mom she was to cause her son to be born with a hearing problem. Am I wrong that she was told this by you or them?

I would guess that is the root of the problem, the root of her feelings.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> GreenMachine
> 
> You should not help her.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
read every word (I fixed one thing)


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

To update, I found out that the OM is actually getting a divorce now. My wife said they would start dating now. I am proceeding with my divorce. I found out the best lie of them all yesterday. She had failed to file employee taxs in 07, 08. I found we owe $63,833 to the IRS! What good news. Atleast she looks good now and has her priorities in line with starting a new relationship.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I feel very sorry for your children. A special-needs child requires real sacrifice and devotion from parents and your W appears to be declaring her right not to make that sacrifice.

This may be the result of a personality disorder or other psychological/emotional issue, but at some point it just really becomes a matter of character. Whatever the cause, she does not have the character to be a good wife and mother. She is an unapologetic homewrecker and half-hearted mother to a child who absolutely requires the type of mom who will go the extra mile.

Does seeing all this about her diminish whatever love you feel?

I tend to not see things in black and white & instead weigh the balance. For me, this character issue would make the negatives far outweigh the positives & I would lose respect and thus love.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

greenmachine said:


> I posted a few weeks ago in considering seperation/divorce. At the time my wife had claimed to have already filed. Weeks passed, no papers. I finally filed, she found out a few days ago.
> 
> She has been having an affair with a married man since June. I contacted his wife on d-day, 9/12/12. Blew it wide open, told her family, we live in a town of 400, everybody knows. I kicked her out of the house the next day. The affair is still going on, I am so tired of her lies, and it's so hard on our 3 kids, ages 2,4,6.
> 
> ...


Um...no. True and lasting reconciliation under these conditions is impossible. You like so many BHs, are mistaking her doting as a sign of a desire to reconcile because you are misunderstanding the female emotional drive. A woman's emotional needs are to be desired and to nurture. The first is exclusive (or should be) to her spouse, the second is communal. When your wife entered her emotional affair, she mentally began looking to the OM for the first. He, in essence, became the husband and you became the other man, because woman are in general emotionally monogamous. This is why, even when unfaithful women still have sex with their spouse, the entire point is to effectively maintain the safety and concealment of the emotional affair, and even then usually fantasizes that it's the AP with whom they're having sex.

When your wife emotionally stopped considering you her spouse, the only way that she could mentally reconcile that with her self-image as a good person, wife, and mother, was to turn you into one of the kids. So she dotes on you, cooks for you, pats you on the head. Please understand that any positive communication or association you have with her now is going on for only two reasons: first, the hope that she will not immediately lose her financial security. Two, and most important, in an attempt to rebuild her damaged self-image. The affair is a by-product of the manipulation of her need for self-affirmation through desirability. Her actions after D-Day and exposure are about regaining that self-affirmation through nurturing, in the eyes of your community.

There is no remorse here, no desire for reconciliation. Her entire world, right now, consists of her, her ego, and a penis that happens to be attached to a male (I refuse to call him a man) of no worth or ethics. Operate according with these things in mind and you'll be okay. Ignore them at your peril.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Does seeing all this about her diminish whatever love you feel?
> 
> I tend to not see things in black and white & instead weigh the balance. For me,* this character issue would make the negatives far outweigh the positives* & I would lose respect and thus love.


This is what caused me to quickly stop loving my husband. I made a mental list. He did many different things aside from infidelity and they all were equally dishonest and disrespectful to me, but it was the cold, calculated manner that he executed those things that made me go from loving him to hating him.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

greenmachine said:


> To update, I found out that the OM is actually getting a divorce now. My wife said they would start dating now. I am proceeding with my divorce. I found out the best lie of them all yesterday. She had failed to file employee taxs in 07, 08. I found we owe $63,833 to the IRS! What good news. Atleast she looks good now and has her priorities in line with starting a new relationship.


Sorry for you GM.

Your wifes head has not been on her shoulders for a while it seems.

Their relationship is doomed.

Focus on you and your kids.

She is going down the rabbits hole and you cannot save her.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

WOW green. Perhaps a sign. younsound like you are on as goog a corurse as possible.

do you qualify for innocent spouse protection from the IRS? i kinda doubt it but may be worth looking into.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

greenmachine said:


> To update, I found out that the OM is actually getting a divorce now. My wife said they would start dating now. I am proceeding with my divorce. I found out the best lie of them all yesterday. She had failed to file employee taxs in 07, 08. *I found we owe $63,833 to the IRS! *What good news. Atleast she looks good now and has her priorities in line with starting a new relationship.


Make sure your lawyer puts a *whole lot *of this debt on her side of the debt column for the divorce. Of all the nerve. 

A cheat
A liar
A thief

The OM deserves every single thing he gets. Hopefully he'll become disabled and will have to rely on her "good nature" and "good will" for his future. 

You'll get through this Green, take care of your kids. Before she enters your home again be sure to count the silverware.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its almost like she embezzeled from her family and then went on the lamb.

You need atax shark lawyer. Let her take the fall.

Ask your lawyer if she can be forced to be psychiatrically evaluated. She doesnt sound fit to have primary custody.


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## greenmachine (Dec 23, 2012)

I have a pretty good chance of joint custody, I have been supporting the kids 100% since Sept. I found out she bought the OM a new shotgun for his birthday in Nov. This really set me off. The kids said she had a "gun box" under her bed. I asked her about it, got an elaborate story about making a gift for me from craft supplies, yada, yada. I informed the OMW, hopefully she will get it in the divorce! But to whine around town that she's broke, I won't support her, bounce checks, not pay bills, and purchase a gun for him, REALLY? 
I guess my biggest problem is having to deal with her daily, I hate it! I Had to pay my property taxes today, found she hadn't paid since 2nd quarter 2010, another $1600 gone. I have the kids all weekend, I will enjoy it. I told her to have fun with her POS boyfriend. 

My real pain comes from the thought of what my children will be involved with if their relationship were to continue. The POS OM'S brother lives here in town. He is a known wife beater, had assault charges on him. He was on a 15yr licence revoke for 5 DUI's, and just recently got 2 more in a months time. His other brother has a brother in law that is a 2 time registered sex offender, they hang out often. He got caught soliciting sex from an undercover officer, (thought it was a 12yr old girl), twice! This is the kind of trash I hopefully won't have to deal with.
What I can't figure out is that these people at one time offended my wife, she was angry when she learned of affairs, lying. Now she is the leading example of poor behavior. Weird.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

committedwife, your posts are hilarious!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

GM, the only thing I can think of is to work the frustration and anger out of you system by some vigorous physical activity. 

Then let some relaxation come in like new age music, meditation or praying, walking in nature.

Maybe find something to laugh about. Make fun, even if you don't feel like it.


Then repeat, repeat, repeat.


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