# Newly Separated - Need Advice



## SoccerDude (Jun 16, 2016)

Hello,

My wife and I have been separated for 10 days. We have been married for nearly 19 years and have two school-aged daughters. 

The long and short of it is this:

About 14 years ago, I found out that my wife was was having romantic feelings about a married co-worker. I found emails between them that indicated that they were possibly in the beginnings of an affair. We are able to work things out with a marriage counselor and a few months later we had put our marriage back on track.

About 3 years ago, we had to put my mother in a nursing home due to Alzheimer's. (My father had died 30 years ago) 

This was a very large emotional blow to me, although at the time I thought I was handling it ok. I wasn't. I became moody with her and with the kids. I felt a sense of loss of control. A few months later I was on our iPad and came across an inappropriate message sent to my wife from a (different) co-worker. We had an argument, but settled it. (This was the beginning of our current issues) Last fall, I felt as though she was pulling away from me and not being as affectionate as she had been. I looked at our cell phone records and asked if she was having an affair with a guy whose number showed up a lot. She says she wasn't. I believe her. I do have trust issues though.

Early this year, my mother suddenly passed away. A month later my wife and I have a conversation where I tell her I'm sad and that I'm afraid she doesn't love me anymore. She tells me that she's not IN love with me and that the past few years have been miserable for her.

She is going to counseling and I have have an appointment to see one in a few weeks. Last moth we agreed to a separation. She moved into an apartment and I'm staying at out house. Our daughters spend some time with me and some time with her.

My wife and I talk/text everyday. We end each conversation with "Love you". We spent all day Saturday together as a family.

So here I am. I am very sad a lonely. I am reading 2 books, 1 dealing with grief and the other dealing with marital separation. I can't go more than a page before I start crying. I miss her terribly. 

Any advice on how to get through this first month of our separation without going crazy?

Thanks


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bet she is having that affair. I think you should cut your losses. Seems like she was always wandering. Maybe there is something better out there for you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hit the gym. Every day. Lift weights. But time with the girls takes priority. Never criticize your wife when you have the girls. You are separated with possibility of saving the marriage. 

The question you should be asking is, "Is she moving on with another man?" Because the ILYBINILWY speech, along with separate apartment and cell calls to coworker normally means another man. 

You and her need to set rules for the separation. Written and signed. It is not binding or legal, but you do that so you both have full understanding.

Is dating others allowed during the separation? IC requirement for both of you? Put in a clause that if either dates or is physical with another then the separation moves towards a divorce.

ETA: If she is having an affair, you still need to hit the gym. Every day. Oh, and see a lawyer like NOW to learn your rights and expected costs of divorce, alimony, child support etc.


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