# **In need of some serious advice**



## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

I haven't posted in a while so for those who don't know me here's a lil summary. My wife steped out on me. Had me blame myself for it when the actual fact was she was weak. so to speak. we decide to work things out. go to church. had a big vacation planned. went on vacation. had fun. it was for our anniversary. I got no gift. no card. I gave a gift a tennis bracelet and a card. I was pissed she didn't even get me a card. I explained her my feelings on the topic and she apologized. the rest of vacation was great. just like how we use to do only better. I got affection and the holding hands on the beach. the whole 9 yards.
Now for the problem. we come back from vacation and guys when I tell you I fell back in love with her I did. I later find out a day after we come back the dude calls her. and the messed up part about it is they talk. she doesn't just answer and say don't call me they talk for 23 minutes. she told me before that they were done. and that there would be no contact. so naturally I get pissed when I find out he called. now I realize that all the I love yous have slacked off. all the touching is almost non existant. the only thing that I'm getting now is she cooks now. then I check the phone bill again to find out that she she's at work throwing down some serious text messages. she only text me one time that night to say she was at work. so when she gets home I check her phone to find out she deleted the text. she tells me nothing is going on and I should trust her but every time I say ill start trusting more something else comes up. 
I love her with all my heart and I want to believe that she wants this to work but I don't no what to do. I've tried talking to her but all she does is get mad and say I keep sayin the same thing.
by the way she was more than pissed to find out that I was in her phone. she says I have no right checking up on her and how long do I plan on doing it. she doesn't seem to care bout my feelings when it comes to this whole situation.
PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

Also if it doesn't make things worst my wife and that A hole work together. I've asked her to change to a diferent place and she says what if she doesn't like it. so basically I have to suck salt as my mother would say and deal with them seeing each other every day. what fun. 
what makes the situation worst is that its messin with my work. friday was the second time my boss had to talk to me bout my work performance. great like I didn't have enough on my plate. 
I really need to fix my house so that I can fix everything else


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my husband never cheated on me-but it might as well have been to me. he is heavily in to porn. really crosses my boundaries. I had to make a list of things I needed from him during this time so I could have hope for the future and start to trust him again. It is a very simple list. We go to counseling and he has to be completely transparent with me. If he cant agree to work on these two things, then i cant stay in the relationship.

I think you need to sit down and really think about what your boundaries in this situation are. For me, it was the above two things. I would have to leave if those werent agreed to. Really think about it though, because you have to be willing to leave if she doesnt agree. Once you figure it out, talk to her about what your boundaries are and what you need from her to have hope for your future. Come to some agreement on what you both need from each other to help the relationship. and write it down. 

keep it very simple at first and get to the more complicated issues (like her working with him) after you've set some basic ground rules.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

we have done the counseling. we went to a relationship counselor who all he wanted to know was how did that make me feel. when your trying to explain the situation and your not getting any feedback it wasz pointless. then he asks me to leave the room. and I guess apprently told her to get whatever she had on her chest off. and boy did she. we never went back. 
then we did counselin with my pastor. we actually got somewhere with that. I want to plan another meeting with him to see if he could help us out again. that's if she would go.
I guess what I'm afraid of is that when I give her the altermadum that she won't do it just to see what ill do. then when I leave ill be in the same position of me being on the outside looking in while the other guy trys to take my place.
I know I must sound like a fool but I've never felt so strongly about saving my marraige before.
I guess if I could start out with two things those things would be honesty (put everything on the table and stop the lying) and the other thing would be affection. I was never big on PDA (public display of affection) but now I need public and private display.

might I ask you. with ur husband and the porn thing were you guys having sex or was it that you couldn't find time to. at one point I was into it a lot to but that was because I wasn't getting it at home. it might sound like a stupid reason to turn to porn but if your being deprived of something you usually didn't have to ask for of course you will have to get that relief somewhere else. I'm just happy he chose porn and not another woman.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

No, you are not a fool for wanting to save your marriage. Many of us feel that way even as the propect looks hopeless. As I read your post, a few things stood out to me. I really recommend you read the book, The Five Love Languages. I have just finished the book and it explains a lot. Your situation could be helped by implementing some of the books suggestions.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If you really want to save your marriage then focus on the counseling with the pastor right now. It sounds like a reasonable goal that can be accomplished. 

I knew when i asked my husband to be honest with me that it was something he was capable of doing. I also knew he would go to counseling. i never asked him to quit looking at porn. I stopped asking him to be more affectionate towards me. Those were unrealistic expectations and demanding those things would only set the relationship up for failure. 

If you really want to stay in your marriage you will have to give up some things that you need from her. for now at least. 

ive given up a lot for my husband (and visa versa probably) but i really think one day we'll get it back. we are both willing to work on our problems and try to understand each other.

I read a message forum on here awhile ago and i wish i could remember who wrote it because it was such an amazing story to me. His wife had cheated on him. instead of getting angry and defensive he actually went to her and asked her what she gets from this other guy and asked her to let him give her those things. So remember your wife went to this other man for a reason. maybe you should be open to talk about what she gets from this other person and how you can meet her needs more?

And to answer your question-yes, there was plenty of time for sex in my relationship. he was just so addicted to his fantasy world that the real thing didnt 'do it' for him anymore.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

im starting to think the only thing i can do is just give up. im at work holding back tears. im tired of trying to be strong. i need help. im completely lost. all i can think about is her and the pain she is putting me through.

guys im honestly tired. ive explained this to her. she doesnt seem to care. what am i to do. its destroying me. i want to save this but i dont want to lose myself in the process


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i had 2 hubby do infidelity.
1st ex hubby had a 6 month affair and ws on the go with constant others. got rid of him as soon as i found out.
2nd hubby - one night stand in april. split up . now trying to work things through.
i have learnt if they want you bad enough , they will stop.
first hubby ws awful n e way - so the affair although hard was in fact the best thing.
2 nd hubby got rid of the best mate (male)who had actually eggd on hubby to go with this girl.
but in the end the mate lost - in order to win me back.
my suggestion have been through this is, no matter what she gives him up.
otherwise you wont move on together.
he simply has to go.

however i have also moved on in my head.
i have actually told my hubby whether its today, tomorrow, next week, 6 months , a year.
that i accept i love my husband but he can go if i have to keep putting up with his demons. 
its because i dont have to deal with them.
this has taken me 13 years to feel like this. but i have become so accepting of this love and wil not just go, that he can go.
i rarely drink, i dont smoke, i dont do drugs. i am faithful.
and i cannot be a better person than what i am. 
i dont have those demons in the first place that need changing.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Try talking to your pastor again. You said that helped you once. He might have some support and help to get you through this very difficult time.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

thank you guys for the advice. I will try seeing if I could set up another counseling sesion with the pastor. 
we spoke today. she feels tired of having to defend herself. and I'm tired of being lied to. I want to believe her but its hard. I don't want to be hurt. I don't think that its that much to ask for. I'm also afraid if I can't get past this I will lose myself and lose her.
I've tried being the tuff guy saying if things don't change I'm gone. but I no if things don't change I wouldn't wanna go. 
I came home. she cooked. she must of said two words to me. its this disconnection that drives me crazy. if there wasn't this feeling of being alone when I'm with her I would be able to start healing. 
I no I'm not perfect but I still need to be loved. when I spoke to her what is she willing to give up and change to keep me. she couldn't answer me. there was no right answer but for her to say something would of shown me that she really wanted to work on things. she asked me if I want her to quit her job. why would I want that? all that would do would make the situation worse. when I asked her what am I worth to her she kept bring up stuff to push off the question. one thing that really bothers her was that one of my ex friends told me that I could do much better than her. well what would a good boyfriend do. I cut him off. he too was like my best friend and also tried to introduce me to females who naturally you wouldn't bring home to mom. I completely dropped him. I knew him since I was in elementary school. I'm 25 now. I was willing to let that go for my wife. she takes it for granted. then she brought up that I never brought her around my friends but I tried she just never gave them a chance. its either my male friends don't like her or they don't have my best interest at heart. and the females well they all want to sleep with me. I've given up all my friends to make her happy but she can't do the same for me


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I understand your resentment. I gave up my family, friends, and my job for my husband. In return he lied, manipulated, cheated (in my opinion), and neglected me. He doesnt appreciate what i gave up for him. Its been two years and I'm still a little bitter about it. 

I guess i just learned from it. My goal is not to do things anymore because i think it will make him happy. i want to do things i think will make me happy. If i do something for the sake of the relationship I do it because that's what i want, and it has nothing to do with how he's treating me at the moment. 

You are smack in the middle of a whole slew of very strong emotions. Just keep thinking things through, getting counseling, reading, posting, and after some time things will mellow out. And remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

we had a bit of a text war last night. she told me i need to stop checking the phone and looking at the "her" phone bill. I told her that we are married. i took her good with the bad. its not yours and mines anymore its ours. what made me have to laugh is that she hasnt paid the cell phone bill in almost four years. ive been paying hers and mines ever since. she says she wants to work on us but i need to stop picking fights with her. My answer. stop giving me reasons not to trust you and to argue with you. 
i told her that i have changed. if she wants to be with me she gotta show me that im what she wants. im worth it. for the past couple of months ive just been thinking about her feelings and how what i can do to make things better. well enough of that. i did my part. if she wants to keep me she will have to change a couple of things. starting with the phone number and where she works. the phone number so if i see that damn number pop up again i know what to do. and the transfering of the job. thats for my piece of mind. they work together and i would never ever be comfortable with that. if it happened once it can happen again. you cant call a mule a donkey and you cant call a horse a [email protected] ive had it. 
its proving time. there is no more me feeling sorry for myself. there is only changes. i guess i came to the same realization that JUSTEAN came to. i love her and that wont change but i wont put up with her crap. she can put up with it by herself. whenever she is ready she can leave. but at least i know that ive tried my best to make things work.
LJTSENG you are right she doesnt appreciate what i gave up for her. im upset about it but im not bitter. in my opinion i gave them up for a reason. and a damn good one at that. she aint acting right now but a damn good reason. 
I will be doing alot of things now for me. starting with a change of jobs. and the fun part. motorcycle. i will pick back up learning to play the guitar. i will still be going to church. thats going to always be a constant. there is the only time where i can wash away the grime and heavyness of the week with worship. 
my friend made a good point. you lead by example. we needed church like we need air. since we have gone back to church together as a family things were starting to get better. i hope that she will still come with me. even if she doesnt i still will be praying for her.
she is my heart string. the adrian to my rocky. the toco to my bell. i will always love her but this is the time for change. and i stand by that.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

the other thing here is , your only young. you still have a life that needs filling.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

i know that im still young. everyone keeps telling me that. i wish there was like a roadmap or a guideline to follow when things like this happen. im use to depending on what my head says. now my heart has taken full controll of everything. 
since my stand on things im getting the cold shoulder. i am going to give her some time and space to come around. im not going to push any discussion on her. however if she thinks not talking to me will somehow break me then she is wrong. when im ready i can be very stubborn. i dropped her off to the gym today on the way to work. we said like 5 words to each other. naturally me asking how was work and me getting a response fine. not another word for another 20 minutes. we could be very stubborn. a bad habit im trying to break out of. and a habit she wont admit she has. the only good thing about it was when she got out the car she said bye and gave me a kiss (on the lips). score one for the home team. if she didnt want to trust me she wouldnt. however she usually calls me to tell me some antics bout the gym or how the instructor killed her today or how the bus ride back sucked but she hasnt called. im not sweating it. i no she is upset. not to sound bad or anything but i dont care. 
lmao what i know is after this long day of work its a guarentee that there will be a hot plate at home for me. regardless of how mad she is with me since we got our place she has cooked. i guess i could say thats one thing she changed. we have been married for two years and lived with her mother for all of that time. we were tryin to save up for a house. housing market sucks - go figure. but she didnt make an effort to cook. im a vegetarian and she isnt. so she had to learn to cook the things i liked. and in turn i swallowed some of the most disgusting things ever. with a smile on my face. y. because i appeciated it. in return when we went on vacation for our anniversary i ate meat. man o man that first night was horrible. me and the toilet were best of buds but i kept at it until vaca was over. im so happy its over and im back to my soy and stuff.
i dont know y im tellin you guys this. i guess its like my form of therapy. typing it out helps me clear my head.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You're a riot. You are sounding much more optimistic, though. Good for you for starting to do things you love again and not worrying about her so much.



iheartmywife said:


> im use to depending on what my head says. now my heart has taken full controll of everything.


Me too! i used to be a very logical person. Now it seems like i dont understand a thing that goes through my mind.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

I honestly want to thank you guys for the support and just listening to me ramble on endlessly about my problems. I am startin lil by lil to get a sense of self again.
I'm here takin a break from doing my pushups. yea that's right getting the body back in shape. kinda let myself go since I got married. after wards gonna do a couple laps round the track at the park near me. having me time is great. I am not however going to ignore her. that is not the point of it. just giving her some time to herself instead of her feeling like I'm breathing down her neck. 

the saying that love makes you do some stupid things could never be truer. I still wouldn't trade the love I have for her for anything in the world. 
well back to working out. will keep you guys updated


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

the grass is not greener. but your answering your own questions. and helping yourself.
we all get into lull periods within marriage and let ourselves go.
but good on you.
you really cant ask n e more of yourself at this point . because your also trying for yourself.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

well here's an update. I get up to a text that says the password to our phone account was change. lol. kinda figured that was going to happen. asked for the password and was told no. its all good. If I wanted in I would get in. that's a fact. there is always more than one way to skin a cat. the only thing now is payin the bill. she has locked me out from that so that is her responsibility.
so the arguement goes on for about 3 hours until we both ran out of steam. he earlier than her. told her that I loved her but if ever she felt like she couldn't take it anymore the door is open but it only swings one way. I guess she never though I would say that cause the arguement changed from her being pissed to her just being tired of arguing. I told her I didn't wanna argue but she messed up and she has got to change cause I'm not putting up with it anymore. basically change or leave cause I aint going no where. we then started talking about being disconnected from each other and we missed the time we use to have. sneakin sex and hangin out. that's what we did on vacation. sneak sex in the carribean ocean with people around . by the way easier said than done especially in 4 feet of clear water. and the hanging out. which was great because I forgot how much fun it was going places with her.
when it comes to sex I told her she need to work for my sexy flat ass. did I mention I was at work while arguing on the phone with her. good thing I got my own office. she said she will try. I asked her what turns her on. she said she doesn't no. I didn't pressure it cause I no she still had her defenses up. when everything calmed down we decided to go to dinner. she is going to pick me up from work and take me out. she is going to do the work tonight. she is also going to get the wine that we both like. and if things work out right, we will be very (wink wink) happy at the end of the night. but the rule for tonight is to talk bout anything but our problems. that's gonna take a back seat to us enjoying each others company


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

iheartmywife said:


> but the rule for tonight is to talk bout anything but our problems. that's gonna take a back seat to us enjoying each others company


I just got Mort Fertel's Marriage fitness newsletter and that's actually what he says you should do. So great idea! It sounds like you are handling things a lot better with her. Talking about what you two used to do and how much you enjoyed hanging out is a great way to go!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think your doing really good. your starting to understand her.
told you , doing the opposite would throw her of guard.


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I just got Mort Fertel's Marriage fitness newsletter and that's actually what he says you should do. So great idea! It sounds like you are handling things a lot better with her. Talking about what you two used to do and how much you enjoyed hanging out is a great way to go!





justean said:


> i think your doing really good. your starting to understand her.
> told you , doing the opposite would throw her of guard.


thank you. I owe you guys a lot. if I'm ever in whales I owe u dinner. platonic of course. the misses would have a 22 with my name on it. lol. I'm fast but not to out run a bullet. 
I plan on definatly kill her with kindness and love. we will have to talk about the issues but baby steps. we need to reconnect first. once we r a team again then we can tackle our serious problems. but first we need that connection back.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

wales . a pure welsh girl, through and through.
as for dinner , dont worry.
you have that dinner for you and your missus. 

so what u waiting for - go take her out for a meal and dont forget the flowers.


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