# Long term committed relationship separate roof



## Jennifer988 (May 27, 2013)

I have been going out with a partner for 4 years in a loving committed relationship. His children have left home, mine are 10 & 15. He does not want to live together till my children have left home as he does not want to come home to a "family" , be a surrogate father & father responsibilities. There is no way he will lived together until such time. This is impacting on me, as i see myself as a convenient long term girlfriend whom he receives all the benefits of a "marraige" but no commitment, in particular , i am not comfortable with the idea of not building some financial security between us. We both have our own financial assets & income. What is lacking is I am afraid of being dumped at 60 (now i am still pretty at 50), and where will I be, after serving his needs for companionship, sex, etc, for ages and ages. I can agree to separate household due to his reason, but how do I solve this "financial commitment & rights" as we dont live together? Does a long term girlfriend got no rights? Can I have an legal arrangement with him with his consent, so I can have peace of mind, he is not stringing me along for the free ride? Am I being mean or insecure for no reasons? He has also the opinion in 2nd relationships, couples keep their own assets, no one has claims to anything, even if they live together. I feel this is not correct, as we must have some asset base together for our contribution.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Perhaps there is a reason why he feels that way. Can you be a little more elaborate about your past and his past?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

What a mess, some state differ, but after so many years a relationship becomes as good as marriage, I believe states that have it, its around 7 years, a common law marriage. So you still have a ways to go, IF your state has such a law. Not all do. The other legal arrangement you seek is called Marriage.

The only other legal binding agreement that I know of is a prenup, which is in marriage only. If not, im sorry but it sounds like your his "friend with benefits" package. Except that you clean, cook, and "service" him. 

Why would he want to change that arrangement when he gets it ALL now, with no commitment, he could leave tomorrow on you. Sounds like you just need to decide if your willing to live the status quo, break up, or push for marriage.

I wish you good luck, for you and your boys. Take care of yourself, as it looks like your the only one looking out for you.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Jennifer988 said:


> I have been going out with a partner for 4 years in a loving committed relationship. His children have left home, mine are 10 & 15. He does not want to live together till my children have left home as he does not want to come home to a "family" , be a surrogate father & father responsibilities. There is no way he will lived together until such time. This is impacting on me, as i see myself as a convenient long term girlfriend whom he receives all the benefits of a "marraige" but no commitment, in particular , i am not comfortable with the idea of not building some financial security between us. We both have our own financial assets & income. What is lacking is I am afraid of being dumped at 60 (now i am still pretty at 50), and where will I be, after serving his needs for companionship, sex, etc, for ages and ages. I can agree to separate household due to his reason, but how do I solve this "financial commitment & rights" as we dont live together? Does a long term girlfriend got no rights? Can I have an legal arrangement with him with his consent, so I can have peace of mind, he is not stringing me along for the free ride? Am I being mean or insecure for no reasons? He has also the opinion in 2nd relationships, couples keep their own assets, no one has claims to anything, even if they live together. I feel this is not correct, as we must have some asset base together for our contribution.


If he doesn't love you enough to marry you... he doesn't love you enough to marry you.

I'd tell him the truth... what you just wrote... Tell him you need that... 

See how he responds to that.

If it's not positive... suggest, "maybe it's time we dated some other people".

You aren't going to meet Mister right while you're tied up with him...

I certainly wouldn't wait around another 10 years or so on a hope. It's really not fair to either one of you.


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## Jennifer988 (May 27, 2013)

Thankyou for the replies so far. I thought of asking him for a financial commitment (which exist only in a defacto or marriage). Since he has refused to cohabitat, I dont want to be disadvantaged both ways. I will ask for a financial committment in the form of us putting into a joint savings account for our future, when the time comes. He should contribute 2/3 and myself 1/3. (Or should I contribute at all?). Or we could both jointly purchase a property, with 70% 30% contribution. Why is it as a female, i feel the man must contribute more financially? All my female friends feel this way too. is it old fashion and not relevant in today's society? I am sure when I suggest these ratios to him, i better have an answer why its not equal contribution.


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## Jennifer988 (May 27, 2013)

Hi eadiepbb

he is separated 4 years, was married 27 years with grown up children that have moved out of home, aged 25 and 28.
i am divorced for 6 years with a 10 & 15 years old. He is 58 and I am 50 years old. we are are financial, but he has 3 times more assets & income than me. I am his loving loyal attractive companion who accompanies him to trips, outings, functions, runs to his house and stay over --- all at my own expense with babysitters to worry about, time poor, cos I have carreer and kids. Also I do not demand any thing from him. I think its not a fair deal for me to be his "unpaid muse"


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## Jennifer988 (May 27, 2013)

unpaid muse forever and ever!! in the name of " we cannot be together till my kids grow up and leave home". i love my boys dearly, and its a terrible thing to say.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jennifer988 said:


> unpaid muse forever and ever!! in the name of " we cannot be together till my kids grow up and leave home". i love my boys dearly, and its a terrible thing to say.


Sure is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jennifer988 said:


> unpaid muse forever and ever!! in the name of " we cannot be together till my kids grow up and leave home". i love my boys dearly, and its a terrible thing to say.


This is some weak garbage that woman and man submit themself to all the time, and you know it just wrecks the psyche.

Now there are special cases where someone would PREFER this alignment, but most loving people this is a huge slap in the face and compromise.


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Jennifer,

I am the opposite to your viewpoint and more like your partner's. I am in a relationship with a man who is paying a significant amount to his ex-wife. I would be the "richer" person in our relationship. 

Having been through two (!!) divorces, I will not live with someone again. Period. I also have two young children who are being raised in a happy, healthy home with their mother, with liberal access to their father, who have no need for the issues of a step-father. 

I was very open and upfront with my partner about how I feel, right from the beginning. And he is okay with that too. You can be dumped at 60 with or without a "financial agreement". Just because he earns 3x more than you doesn't mean he has to pay 3x more. I wouldn't. I have a career and kids and my relationship is on OUR terms. Not mine, not his. We were open and honest from the start.

All I'm saying is, he has told you how he feels and what he wants / needs. Accept it and stay, or don't, and leave. He probably won't change his mind.

Best wishes,
M


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## Jennifer988 (May 27, 2013)

hi, last night i met with my long term partner. i separated from him for 4 weeks, and he has realised i mean it, i cannot do this anymore - the uncertainty of the relationship , future and what do i mean in his life? are there plans? are the children just a smoke screen? FINALLY, he has come up with an unbelievable proposal for us to continue. He has offered me a lifetime weekly income, plus a legal contract with lawyers, a lump sum (huge & significant) should we break off, and when we do lived in as soon as he can handle the ideas of a family again, a legal contract that will provide for me. He says he really wants me in his life, and will continue top support me emotionally, financially except he is not ready to live with my children. I can accept this, as I we see / live in each other homes, so this is a good outcome. at least i know, he is serious, about the future and loves me enough to take care of me. Likewise, i am a better partner with all these questions out of my mind!! this has a good outcome. so ladies, sometimes do not be afraid to leave...they need time to find out how lonely it can be without love & care.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So as a point of curiosity - what happens if/when he ever actually does agree to co-habitate are the kids never allowed to come to visit? So he never has to bother with "family obligations" like holidays. Will he attend your son's weddings, or is that just another icky family obligation. 

Also - he may love you enough to take care of you, but doesn't want anything to do with your kids. Are you really okay with that? How do you explain that to them? Where are your kids when you are staying at his place? How does that make them feel?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also - do these kids see their bio dad?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Be thankful he is being honest about the type of relationship he wants with your kids. It may not be what you want, but he is not hiding things. So is this what you want?



Jennifer988 said:


> Thankyou for the replies so far. I thought of asking him for a financial commitment (which exist only in a defacto or marriage). Since he has refused to cohabitat, I dont want to be disadvantaged both ways. I will ask for a financial committment in the form of us putting into a joint savings account for our future, when the time comes. He should contribute 2/3 and myself 1/3. (Or should I contribute at all?). Or we could both jointly purchase a property, with 70% 30% contribution. Why is it as a female, i feel the man must contribute more financially? All my female friends feel this way too. is it old fashion and not relevant in today's society? I am sure when I suggest these ratios to him, i better have an answer why its not equal contribution.


Sorry, but this comes across pretty mercenary like. You want him to pay you for the privilege of being his steady gf? You seem very concerned about finding a guy who will take care of you and your kids financially. Consider that he perceives that and has acted accordingly.

You are responsible for your finances and future. Don't mortgage your future to deal with dinners and babysitters and clothes for this guy. Pull back and be responsible with what you can and cannot afford. His actions will tell you what he is really interested in.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jennifer988 said:


> hi, last night i met with my long term partner. i separated from him for 4 weeks, and he has realised i mean it, i cannot do this anymore - the uncertainty of the relationship , future and what do i mean in his life? are there plans? are the children just a smoke screen? FINALLY, he has come up with an unbelievable proposal for us to continue. He has offered me a lifetime weekly income, plus a legal contract with lawyers, a lump sum (huge & significant) should we break off, and when we do lived in as soon as he can handle the ideas of a family again, a legal contract that will provide for me. He says he really wants me in his life, and will continue top support me emotionally, financially except he is not ready to live with my children. I can accept this, as I we see / live in each other homes, so this is a good outcome. at least i know, he is serious, about the future and loves me enough to take care of me. Likewise, i am a better partner with all these questions out of my mind!! this has a good outcome. so ladies, sometimes do not be afraid to leave...they need time to find out how lonely it can be without love & care.


Well, you got the money you wanted out of him. Best of luck.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why do you think he has any obligation to support you financially?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't know any situation where a girlfriend gets paid to be a guy's girlfriend...frankly, that sounds so totally backwards to me. I never expected my boyfriend to give me an allowance just because I was dating him, screwing him, etc. You say you want commitment, that you don't want to be dumped at 60, and so you want him to invest in you financially....but it sounds like you just want him to give you money, so that if he ever dumped you, you could still get money from him. 

That's really shallow.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I don't know any situation where a girlfriend gets paid to be a guy's girlfriend...frankly, that sounds so totally backwards to me. I never expected my boyfriend to give me an allowance just because I was dating him, screwing him, etc. You say you want commitment, that you don't want to be dumped at 60, and so you want him to invest in you financially....but it sounds like you just want him to give you money, so that if he ever dumped you, you could still get money from him.
> 
> That's really shallow.


:iagree:

I picked up on the same message as well. Emotional "commitment" = money? How sad is that.


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