# Nice Guy, Man up, Thermostat.......What next?



## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Ok, I've been doing a lot of reading and trying to apply what I've read. Still not getting any positive results out of my wife.

I've manned up by getting in shape, doing guy stuff, working out, meeting friends for dinner, etc. I've lowered the thermostat by not saying "ILY" first, not trying to hold hands, eliminated texts to ask how her day is going, etc. I stand up for myself when she tries to get me to do things that she could easily do herself. I hired a maid service to come in twice a month to clean so that she and I have less housework to do. I grill food out on the grill that we both enjoy eating when time permits.

Her responses have been unchanged. She does her thing (quilting, watching her shows, making her own dinner). I'll get compliments on a good job on the grilling. She is happy with just getting a kiss good bye in the morning and a kiss good night at bedtime no matter what I do. 

I'm thinking that her LD and lack of desire for intimacy may be insurmountable. We've talked about lack of intimacy and my feeling like we are roommates. I've requested we go to counseling. She won't go. I've gone. Not that it has helped much. I've asked her what would help her feel more intimacy and passion. She said "I don't know". 

At this point, do I just ask her what the hell is going on?


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Definitely. If it were me, I would remark that this is not acceptable for a marriage. If you're getting no action, medical things should be ruled out, and then counseling should be insisted upon. You are not in the wrong to want sex in your marriage; you are not a pervert. In the absence of medical conditions, for me sex is a given and if it's not happening, then we need to work toward it happening. Silent treatment, etc., are off the table.

I believe that most people who are afraid of going to counseling have something to hide. They may have been brought up in a household where problems are swept under the rug, and to me this is an unhealthy way to live. Resentments just build over time until you no longer have a romantic relationship. It's a lot easier to remain friends with someone that to remain intimate with them.

So, pick your boundaries similar to the ones I outlined above, and let her know them. No waffling or backsliding. Then begin to enact consequences for violating the boundaries, on a sliding scale. I believe this works better than flat-out ultimatums. A final ultimatum might be necessary later, but at that point what do you have to lose?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

With all the man up things you do you still have to have a partner that wants to be with you and wants to see you happy.

Won't go to counseling = Nothing's wrong with me. I feel great

She'c comfortable and sees no need to change.

My advice is figure out what you are willing to put up with. If you will not be able to be happy in the current situation then remove yourself. If you've talked to her about the issue, asked for counseling, handling your responsibilities then what is there left to do but make a decision on if this is the way you want to live your life?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I WAS married to a LD spouse (fixed now). "I don't know" is code for they do know but aren't going to tell you. And I also agree with ManDup that people who resist counseling have something to hide (even if it's subconscious).

Ball's in your court really. Either accept it or take action. It's up to you.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Have you considered adding date nights? Pick out a new restaurant, make reservations and tell (not ask) your wife to be ready at [the time you deem necessary]. Tell her you have decided that the two of you need to spend more time dating and being with each other. Take charge and find something fun/different to do together each week. Don't always tell her what your plan is--sometimes just tell her when to be ready and how to dress.

Send her simple sexts--"what color are your panties?" "you looked particularly beautiful this morning." etc. In other words, woo her. 

Be more assertive with sex. Maybe begin with a sext--something like, "tonight my plan is to ravish you. prepare yourself accordingly." If she texts back anything but a willingness to go along with your plan, tell her that she provided the wrong response. The only correct response is something along the lines of "I'll see you tonight."

I don't know if you've gone here:

Married Man Sex Life

but his blog and book are amazing.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

fredless said:


> Have you considered adding date nights? Pick out a new restaurant, make reservations and tell (not ask) your wife to be ready at [the time you deem necessary]. Tell her you have decided that the two of you need to spend more time dating and being with each other. Take charge and find something fun/different to do together each week. Don't always tell her what your plan is--sometimes just tell her when to be ready and how to dress.
> 
> Send her simple sexts--"what color are your panties?" "you looked particularly beautiful this morning." etc. In other words, woo her.
> 
> ...


I checked out the link you provided. The sex rank is interesting. I've increased my sex ranking while she has stayed the same or decreased. 

I sent her some emails on sex advice articles in the past. She didn't appreciate them at all. 

Not sure how the sexting would come off. But, at this point, I'm willing to try it. 

I've suggested buying her sexy lingerie and she said it would be a waste of money as she won't wear it. She prefers t-shirts and shorts in the summer and flannel in the winter. 

I've asked/told her we are going out for dinner in the past. But, she would rather order in. 

I'm thinking about get a bunch of small candles and get home before she does and light them up in the bedroom after she says she is on the way home. That might create a more romantic room. 

I also plan on hiding the tv remote too!!!!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wrestle her for it.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Has she always been this way?

Let's face it. She doesn't care. She is comfortable in having you there and having food a.d money and shelter. You, she could take or leave.

Shake things up. Go out at night looking good. Buy different underwear, a new scent. If she doesn't get suspicious or upset, time to let her go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Has she always been this way?
> 
> Let's face it. She doesn't care. She is comfortable in having you there and having food a.d money and shelter. You, she could take or leave.
> 
> ...


ClipClop,

I get compliments from ladies on my physical transformation. Just not from my wife. I've lost about 35 lbs down to 170 lbs and lost 6 inches in my waist. Not many 55 yr old men can bench their weight but I can. I look darn good if I do say so myself.  I hit the gym 3 - 5 days a week and eat healthy.

I wish I would get the compliments from her! Last time I had to buy new slacks as the current pairs were too big, I asked her to come along and help me select the pants. She actually did go with me. 

While I've made the physical transformation, she is pretty much sedentary. Won't even go with me to take the dogs for a walk let alone join the gym and workout with me. Even her Dr. suggested she start with walking. But, she hasn't started a walking routine.

I did the physical transformation for me. I needed to do it and did it. It is a lifestyle change that she has chosen not to participate in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She doesn't because she doesn't have to. Only your willingness to choose a life without her will wake her up. Sorry, but it's what you've got.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

The biggest test of manning up is deciding what to do if she's not coming along for the ride.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

fredless said:


> I don't know if you've gone here:
> 
> Married Man Sex Life
> 
> but his blog and book are amazing.



Much appreciated.


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

turnera said:


> She doesn't because she doesn't have to. Only your willingness to choose a life without her will wake her up. Sorry, but it's what you've got.


This is pretty much the gospel right here.

It doesn't mean that you need to walk out the door tomorrow, but you do need to isolate her.

If she's comfortable with a quick kiss before and after sleeping, remove it, if she wont go to counseling, go yourself and if she wants to make her own dinner, you make yours.

She's comfortable and you're doing nothing to change that, until she is FORCED to change she has no reason to.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What next?

Decide if the way things are is something you can live with. She believes you can and you will.

If you don't believe that is the case, turn the thermostat down to zero and start planning an exit strategy.

Time to throw the grenade in the room. But it cannot be a bluff. You need to know that you are prepared to leave.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Tex ~

I thought your wife was having issues with going through menopause. What is happening on that front? Has she made any moves to see her doctor and discuss the symptoms that she is having? Part of her low drive could just be that she is comfortable with the way things are, part of it could also be physical issues due to menopause.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Tex ~
> 
> I thought your wife was having issues with going through menopause. What is happening on that front? Has she made any moves to see her doctor and discuss the symptoms that she is having? Part of her low drive could just be that she is comfortable with the way things are, part of it could also be physical issues due to menopause.


She hasn't complained of any symptoms of menopause in awhile. She takes advil to address cramps during her period. Hasn't discussed it with her dr that I know of.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Leaving that tidbit out didn't allow us to address the big picture.

I find it curious that she would have to complain to get you to notice. Have you asked her how she is doing? Have you talked about how she feels about the process? I know I am darned unhappy with aging and losing the things a lot of women feel makes them not old. So many men leave their wives around this time, going younger of course. Have you addressed a commitment to her?
This stuff isn't nice guy syndrome. It is being concerned with her as a person.

If you have not talked recently, open up dialog about it again. If she is experiencing dryness, sex is painful. Lube helps. If she has trouble with orgasms let her know that you will take longer but if she wants to stop it is ok. Stuff like that. You can offer to go to the doc with her. Discuss medical interventions.

She isn't in menopause if she gets her period. You probably know that. Perimenopause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Oh, and withdrawing affection now would simply be cruel. Better to divorce than that manipulation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

We've talked about it (menopause process). But, I don't think she has talked about it with her doctor at all. I think the only input she gets is from her girlfriends. Not necessarily the most reliable sources of information.


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## tossmein (Jul 27, 2011)

How long have you been making these changes? 

I'm just wondering if she thinks. This is all BS and it will all go back to how it was. If it has taken years for her to get into this mode it may take awhile before she comes back out of it. 

The wall she has built around herself to shut you out might be very high and take awhile to break down. 

It sounds like you are really making the effort, and it is hard when it seems like the effort is not returned. I know that feeling, but in the end you should be doing all of this for yourself anyway. 

Best of Luck.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

txhunter54 said:


> I also plan on hiding the tv remote too!!!!!!


More the question . . . where is it you plan on hiding the remote for her to find?

Don't answer . . . it would be TMI.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

tossmein said:


> How long have you been making these changes?
> 
> I'm just wondering if she thinks. This is all BS and it will all go back to how it was. If it has taken years for her to get into this mode it may take awhile before she comes back out of it.
> 
> ...


The taking care of me has been in high gear for 2 1/2 yrs when I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and low T. I hit the gym and started eating right. I've got the diabetes and cholesterol under control and in normal levels pretty quickly. The low T took a little while longer to get to the right levels. But, the TRT is working wonderfully now. I workout 5 days a week. 3 days with weights and two cardio days.

I go to the archery, shooting or golf range on the weekends to practice. I participate in a hunting lease and go hunting in the Fall/Winter for deer, turkey, ducks and hogs. I am taking care of me!

I keep having to buy new pants and shorts because I keep losing inches in my waist. I'm about 32 or 33 inches in the waist now. I'm working on my 6 pack abs! Not many 55 yr olds can bench their weight. I can!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

txhunter54 said:


> We've talked about it (menopause process). But, I don't think she has talked about it with her doctor at all. I think the only input she gets is from her girlfriends. Not necessarily the most reliable sources of information.


But it doesn't sound like you have talked about it recently.

I bet she sees your changes and has decided you are already looking for someone else so why bother setting herself up to be humiliated and rejected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> But it doesn't sound like you have talked about it recently.
> 
> I bet she sees your changes and has decided you are already looking for someone else so why bother setting herself up to be humiliated and rejected.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've asked her to join the same gym I go to. Told her I'd buy her the membership. I ask her to walk the dogs with me to get her moving. To date, she has not shown any interest. She mentioned possibly joining weight watchers. But, she hasn't joined or started the program. That was a month or two ago.

We talked about her menopause process this morning. She hasn't mentioned any significant issues regarding menopause symptoms in awhile. 

Do I look fit, absolutely. Do I throw it in her face? Absolutely not! I've asked her to go shopping with me as my pants become too big in the waist. The last shopping trip I did, she went with me and helped pick out pants that looked good on me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many many people simply don't like physical activity. You can't MAKE someone enjoy it. It is WORK to them. She'd have to have something really making her WANT to change - like you telling her you'll leave if things don't change.


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