# Wife says to her friend "I just put up with him"



## nothingturnsoutright

I come early last night and find my wife talking to her best friend. Before I say hello I hear her saying to her friend in a unplayfull tone "Ya I just put up with him". They were talking about divorce or something. Then she goes on saying how she'll be set for the rest of her life if we divorced because I make decent money. 

Is this messed up or what? I thought we had a decent marriage until now. She acts and treats me like she's happy and blessed to have such a good life. We go out on dates, have sex twice a week or more, I tell her shes beautiful, rub her feet without asking, we have pet names we use non stop with each other otherwise a very nice marriage I thought. Just the day before that she tells me "thanks for taking care of me and the girls" ( my stepdaughters) like she say on occasion. I get along great with my stepdaughter too. 
We hardly ever argue or fight. WTF? 

How would you react?


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## ReidWright

I wouldn't take that too seriously. Haven't you heard a bunch of guys complaining to each about their 'ball and chain', and getting nagged, etc? sometimes a oneupmanship thing happens. 


Or maybe she was just trying to relate to her friend? Imagine if her friend had said how bad her husband was, and your wife said, "Oh, my husband is wonderful!!"...

unless it becomes a pattern, I'd just ask her about it, then let it go


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## MarriedDude

Hearing part of a conversation gives you ZERO context. Not to mention....

*****es be crazy.

If what you heard doesn't fit with the life you have with her....just let it go


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## Relationship Teacher

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I come early last night and find my wife talking to her best friend. Before I say hello I hear her saying to her friend in a unplayfull tone "Ya I just put up with him". They were talking about divorce or something. Then she goes on saying how she'll be set for the rest of her life if we divorced because I make decent money.
> 
> Is this messed up or what? I thought we had a decent marriage until now. She acts and treats me like she's happy and blessed to have such a good life. We go out on dates, have sex twice a week or more, I tell her shes beautiful, rub her feet without asking, we have pet names we use non stop with each other otherwise a very nice marriage I thought. Just the day before that she tells me "thanks for taking care of me and the girls" ( my stepdaughters) like she say on occasion. I get along great with my stepdaughter too.
> We hardly ever argue or fight. WTF?
> 
> How would you react?


Actions>Words


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## SecondTime'Round

ReidWright said:


> I wouldn't take that too seriously. Haven't you heard a bunch of guys complaining to each about their 'ball and chain', and getting nagged, etc? sometimes a oneupmanship thing happens.
> 
> 
> Or maybe she was just trying to relate to her friend? Imagine if her friend had said how bad her husband was, and your wife said, "Oh, my husband is wonderful!!"...
> 
> unless it becomes a pattern, I'd just ask her about it, then let it go


I'd be really hurt, but this is probably the better way to go about it....for now....


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## Spotthedeaddog

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I come early last night and find my wife talking to her best friend. Before I say hello I hear her saying to her friend in a unplayfull tone "Ya I just put up with him". They were talking about divorce or something. Then she goes on saying how she'll be set for the rest of her life if we divorced because I make decent money.
> 
> Is this messed up or what? I thought we had a decent marriage until now. She acts and treats me like she's happy and blessed to have such a good life. We go out on dates, have sex twice a week or more, I tell her shes beautiful, rub her feet without asking, we have pet names we use non stop with each other otherwise a very nice marriage I thought. Just the day before that she tells me "thanks for taking care of me and the girls" ( my stepdaughters) like she say on occasion. I get along great with my stepdaughter too.
> We hardly ever argue or fight. WTF?
> 
> How would you react?


Completely normal.

have you not noticed that you live in a media sea of disrespect towards men and husbands???

you are merely a utility item or accessory, like a handbag or pair of shoes. And worse, you've been purchased, so what is interesting is what's popular today ! What you've done, or who you are...yesterday's shoes, man!! What are you going to impress her with tomorrow?! Status? time? gifts? you are a "resource provider" and like all resource providers you exist only because of necessity - once that goes you'll get the release magic words, and she'll go on her way with most of what you thought were family property for the two of you... why should she ever buy into that that particular dream (unless its her own dream). You're around until she gets tired of you, or finds a better convenient offer, then she'll "move on with her life since you've grown apart".


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## Evinrude58

All I can say is that is awful what she said....

I think I would take her out to dinner and very slyly say "honey, are you happy? Sometimes I feel like you're just putting up with me..."
Then say, "you know what? I make good enough money if we divorced, you'd be set for life!"

Then I'd hand her some divorce papers and find out if that's what she really wanted. 

You'll know one way or another, then.

That's pretty drastic, but I think I'd want to know how she really felt before I wasted my life with her or she cheated.

Then again, maybe you can just write it off as just talking...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nothingturnsoutright

I posted this thread. I know what I heard and it was not jokenly or playful. She was was not consoling her friend to make her feel better either. She meant in her voice what she said which was a shock to me. We were not fighting or arguing before this. 
Sucks to work so hard to make her and her girls happy and be thought of around her friens as some guy she can hardly stand and put up with. 
Now I find it hard to even be close to her and do all the little things anymore. 

I thought she was a least my best friend...


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## WorkingOnMe

How long have you been married? Be advised that there are milestones that you may be close to that change things like alimony and property divisions in a permanent way.


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## MarriedDude

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I posted this thread. I know what I heard and it was not jokenly or playful. She was was not consoling her friend to make her feel better either. She meant in her voice what she said which was a shock to me. We were not fighting or arguing before this.
> Sucks to work so hard to make her and her girls happy and be thought of around her friens as some guy she can hardly stand and put up with.
> Now I find it hard to even be close to her and do all the little things anymore.
> 
> I thought she was a least my best friend...


Then just dump her....move on and find a new best friend...

But...treating her like your "Best Friend" is probably part of the problem. You might consider that maybe she doesn't want to be treated that way. 

What types of books does she read? Movies does she watch? TV? Clothes/nails/hair///how often do the styles change?

What are the details of the relationship?


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## tom67

Read this... https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

So I noticed from what you said you are pretty much a dildo and a wallet to her.
Go see some lawyers in your area.


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## MarriedDude

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I come early last night and find my wife talking to her best friend. Before I say hello I hear her saying to her friend in a unplayfull tone "Ya I just put up with him". They were talking about divorce or something. Then she goes on saying how she'll be set for the rest of her life if we divorced because I make decent money.
> 
> Is this messed up or what? *I thought we had a decent marriage until now. * She acts and treats me like she's happy and blessed to have such a good life. We go out on dates, have sex twice a week or more, I tell her shes beautiful, rub her feet without asking, we have pet names we use non stop with each other otherwise a very nice marriage I thought. Just the day before that she tells me "thanks for taking care of me and the girls" ( my stepdaughters) like she say on occasion. I get along great with my stepdaughter too.
> We hardly ever argue or fight. WTF?
> 
> How would you react?


Whenever I think everything is wonderful...I listen to this song and it reminds me that reality and our perceptions are often very different. If you really believe that there was nothing wrong -but are convinced she was serious...try taking a long honest look at your marriage. 

_Hey girl, open the walls, play with your dolls
We'll be a perfect family.
When you walk away, it's when we really play
You don't hear me when I say,
Mom, please wake up.
Dad's with a ****, and your son is smoking cannabis

No one ever listens, this wallpaper glistens
Don't let them see what goes down in the kitchen.

Places, places, get in your places
Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces.
Everyone thinks that we're perfect
Please don't let them look through the curtains.

Picture, picture, smile for the picture
Pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister?
Everyone thinks that we're perfect
Please don't let them look through the curtains.

D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E
I see things that nobody else sees.
(D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E
I see things that nobody else sees)

Hey girl, look at my mom, she's got it going on
Ha, you're blinded by her jewelry.
When you turn your back she pulls out a flask
And forgets his infidelity.
Uh-oh, she's coming to the attic, plastic
Go back to being plastic.

No one ever listens, this wallpaper glistens
One day they'll see what goes down in the kitchen.

Places, places, get in your places
Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces.
Everyone thinks that we're perfect
Please don't let them look through the curtains.

Picture, picture, smile for the picture
Pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister?
Everyone thinks that we're perfect
Please don't let them look through the curtains.

D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E
I see things that nobody else sees.
(D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E
I see things that nobody else sees)

Hey girl (hey girl, hey girl, hey girl, hey girl)
Hey girl, open your walls, play with your dolls
We'll be a perfect family.

Places, places, get in your places
Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces.
Everyone thinks that we're perfect
Please don't let them look through the curtains.

Picture, picture, smile for the picture
Pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister?
Everyone thinks that we're perfect
Please don't let them look through the curtains.

D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E
I see things that nobody else sees.
(D-O-L-L-H-O-U-S-E
I see things that nobody else sees)_


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## jorgegene

People say hurtful things that sting. Sometimes they really mean it, Sometimes they dont. Sometimes our lovers say something so sweet and endearing it sends you to the highest heights, and the next you know, they are saying something that wounds you to your very soul.

how do you know how she really feels? I dont know honestly unless she is consistent one way or the other. Time will tell perhaps.

keep your ears and eyes open.

iv'e been there.


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## Mr The Other

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I come early last night and find my wife talking to her best friend. Before I say hello I hear her saying to her friend in a unplayfull tone "Ya I just put up with him". They were talking about divorce or something. Then she goes on saying how she'll be set for the rest of her life if we divorced because I make decent money.
> 
> Is this messed up or what? I thought we had a decent marriage until now. She acts and treats me like she's happy and blessed to have such a good life. We go out on dates, have sex twice a week or more, I tell her shes beautiful, rub her feet without asking, we have pet names we use non stop with each other otherwise a very nice marriage I thought. Just the day before that she tells me "thanks for taking care of me and the girls" ( my stepdaughters) like she say on occasion. I get along great with my stepdaughter too.
> We hardly ever argue or fight. WTF?
> 
> How would you react?


Ideally, there would be no double standards. But there are plenty. This often favours men, but sometimes it favours women. When you take care of her when you are both sick, she can claim the opposite and she can say crap like this over the phone and expect you not to take offence.

If it is not OK with you, tell her. It is a role reversal, so she may not understand why. Be ready to explain it in the context of something a man said about a woman, so she will be horrified and then turn it back to her. 

Or just let it go. It is disrespectful, but it is the sort of thing you might have said as a teenager, before you learnt to act like a grown man.


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## TAMAT

Nothingturnsoutright,

You wrote, *Sucks to work so hard to make her and her girls happy and be thought of around her friens as some guy she can hardly stand and put up with.*

If by this you mean that this is her second marriage and you are just paying for the good things in life for kids that are not yours, then you are very right in being uneasy about what you heard. 

Are you also older than this lady. Does your sex life lack deeply felt passion? 

You would do well to quietly snoop on her communications.

Tamat


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## Nomorebeans

During his "rewriting our marital history" stage when we were in the process of divorcing, my ex-husband recalled a time we were at our friends' house, and he heard me say to to wife "I don't sleep with my husband, either." The thing is, he heard me say only that and not the rest of the conversation. We had been talking about not being compatible sleep partners with our husbands, not incompatible lovers. And my exact words were "I don't get much sleep with my husband, either." He never bothered to tell me what he thought I said, so I never got a chance to defend it. 

I believe you when you say you heard her say this in a very serious tone. But again, as someone else said, if her friend was bitterly complaining about how awful her husband is and asked her how she feels about hers, she could have been just falsely commiserating.

I mean, it does sound like you have a good marriage and she appreciates what you bring to it. I'm sorry, but most women don't have what sounds like good, regular sex with someone they're truly just putting up with.

As someone else said, look at her actions. Is she pushing you away, distancing herself, making excuses for not spending more time together? If not, though I admit I'd be hurt, too, I'd try to consider that maybe I was taking it out of context and see if the pattern continues.


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## Space Mountain

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I posted this thread. I know what I heard and it was not jokenly or playful. She was was not consoling her friend to make her feel better either. She meant in her voice what she said which was a shock to me. We were not fighting or arguing before this.
> Sucks to work so hard to make her and her girls happy and be thought of around her friens as some guy she can hardly stand and put up with.
> Now I find it hard to even be close to her and do all the little things anymore.
> 
> I thought she was a least my best friend...


nothingturnsoutright,

In your first post I was hoping you just heard something out of context or it was all just a misunderstanding until I read your second post. If this is the case, then I would go talk to a lawyer. I would start securing my finances. I would get separate bank accounts in your name only. Cancel joint credit cards and etc. I would also think about getting financial advice. 

She has shown you her true colors, now use it to your advantage. Even if this was nothing, every decision you make from here on out needs to be made to protect your future. Since she is not the person you thought you knew, I would watch every move she makes like a hawk.


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## Mr The Other

Nomorebeans said:


> During his "rewriting our marital history" stage when we were in the process of divorcing, my ex-husband recalled a time we were at our friends' house, and he heard me say to to wife "I don't sleep with my husband, either." The thing is, he heard me say only that and not the rest of the conversation. We had been talking about not being compatible sleep partners with our husbands, not incompatible lovers. And my exact words were "I don't get much sleep with my husband, either." He never bothered to tell me what he thought I said, so I never got a chance to defend it.
> 
> I believe you when you say you heard her say this in a very serious tone. But again, as someone else said, if her friend was bitterly complaining about how awful her husband is and asked her how she feels about hers, she could have been just falsely commiserating.
> 
> I mean, it does sound like you have a good marriage and she appreciates what you bring to it. I'm sorry, but most women don't have what sounds like good, regular sex with someone they're truly just putting up with.
> 
> As someone else said, look at her actions. Is she pushing you away, distancing herself, making excuses for not spending more time together? If not, though I admit I'd be hurt, too, I'd try to consider that maybe I was taking it out of context and see if the pattern continues.


This seems far better advice than running to the divorce court.


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## abart

your gut feeling is your Ally, What ever you feel you should do you should do it.


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## TBT

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I posted this thread. I know what I heard and it was not jokenly or playful. She was was not consoling her friend to make her feel better either. She meant in her voice what she said which was a shock to me. We were not fighting or arguing before this.
> Sucks to work so hard to make her and her girls happy and be thought of around her friens as some guy she can hardly stand and put up with.
> Now I find it hard to even be close to her and do all the little things anymore.
> 
> I thought she was a least my best friend...


So why didn't you bring this up to her at the time? You just happened to overhear part of a conversation and it's not like you were intentionally eavesdropping. Why do so many couples not communicate directly and to the point anymore?


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## JohnA

@Nomorebeans is right. Why didn't you feel comfortable enough to ask her to clarify her statement at that time? Is there some unspoken reason or doubt you are not sharing ? 

See how that snowballs ? If you don't want to go down that road talk to her. Oh don't dance around the subject. Begin with the fact you walked in and accidentally heard her say that. Ask her point blank if that is how she feels. If she attempts to make light or evade the subject be blunt and say "marriage is to important to me to settle. If there is a problem we tell each other and fix it, or we end it before it becomes toxic.". Hold her feet to the fire on this. Ask her to call and clarify her statement to her friend. 

If you have doubts afterwards then come back and discuss it. Actually come back anyway and read, read, read. Learn on our dime. It is a lot better then the hard way,


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## jsmart

This is something that you should bring up and discuss. Let her know what you heard and how it made you feel. How you love her and thought you were all good and consider her not just your love but your best friend. 

Is she way younger than you or very beautiful? That can cause problems, especially if they have a friend glamorizing divorce. Don't know how long you've been married but since those are not your kids, she may be getting way less than she thinks in case of a divorce. 

Why did you never have kids of your own with her? I could NEVER take on a wife with another man's kids. I've seen too many men get burned. She doesn't realize what she has with you.


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## Buddy400

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I posted this thread. I know what I heard and it was not jokenly or playful. She was was not consoling her friend to make her feel better either. She meant in her voice what she said which was a shock to me. We were not fighting or arguing before this.
> Sucks to work so hard to make her and her girls happy and be thought of around her friens as some guy she can hardly stand and put up with.
> Now I find it hard to even be close to her and do all the little things anymore.
> 
> I thought she was a least my best friend...


Have you told her what you heard and asked her to explain?

If not, do it.

If so, what did she say?


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## thenub

OP, I had a very similar thing happen to me. My wife was making very derogatory statements about me to her SIL. 

After I calmed down, I just said if you think I'm xxxx, maybe you should just go find someone who can meet your standards. I was thoroughly pissed and ready to walk because of the blatant disrespect. 

I've put up with quite a bit of bs, but disrespect like that I won't tolerate. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## committed_guy

nothingturnsoutright said:


> How would you react?


My wife did this with her friends. We had just gotten our new Android smart phones and she didn't realize that I was reading every email and text she sent. Like your situation there was a huge disconnect between what my wife was telling me and our counselor versus what I was reading. I didn't confront her because that would mean spoiling my ability to read those electronic communications, in case I needed them for a divorce judge. 

If I had to do it over again I would probably confront and ask honestly if she wanted to stay in the relationship. I think at that time there was a 50/50 chance she would say no and I did not want to stay. I can't say things are better or worse other than I learned more about her then she realizes. 

To the OP: my guess is that maybe your wife was just having an off day or felt the need to commensurate with her friend. My wife does that sometimes where she sympathizes with her friends. Not just empathy but actually taking on the emotional difficulties her friends are having. 

My only advice is to continue to work on your marriage and improve communication. Maybe go through a marriage book on communication or a marriage workshop or something. Something that will help set the stage for a deep heart-to-heart conversation that might reveal why she said that to her friend.


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## MachoMcCoy

It's too bad all of those threads we recently saw about walk-away-wives were all about "winning". You could have learned something there.

It's now 2016. And this husband has NO CLUE what is happening here. 

Explaining THAT is what those threads should have led to. But for now, all we know is that nobody has won the blame game yet. I WOULD say that once we do that we can start fixing it. But I don't see much hope.

Yes, this posters story is different from the other WAW stories. They are ALL different in their own way. So go ahead and fill up 50 pages on this one, little, individual story. It may help this poster. I doubt it. She's gone. Like the rest of them. Its too late. But go ahead and try.

What we REALLY need to fix is that no man goes into their first day of marriage without a FULL understanding that this happens. The fact that this came as a "shock" to him is what needs to be fixed first.

How is it POSSIBLE he was shocked. It's the 21st century.


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## MachoMcCoy

thenub said:


> OP, I had a very similar thing happen to me. My wife was making very derogatory statements about me to her SIL.
> 
> After I calmed down, I just said if you think I'm xxxx, maybe you should just go find someone who can meet your standards. I was thoroughly pissed and ready to walk because of the blatant disrespect.
> 
> I've put up with quite a bit of bs, but disrespect like that I won't tolerate.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


And I'm POSITIVE that "laying down the law" made her love you again. 

Good luck with that marriage. And continue to monitor. You've got problems that playing "hard ass" just kicked underground.


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## MachoMcCoy

committed_guy said:


> Something that will help set the stage for a deep heart-to-heart conversation that might reveal why she said that to her friend.


I don't even understand if those words were meant to go together in a meaningful sentence. I don't understand them.


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## lifeistooshort

I agree that you should talk to her. I've had some b!tch sessions with my gf's about my hb and if he overhead one I can see how he'd be upset.

But I'm crazy about him, I'm just venting. It makes me feel better and makes me nicer for him to be around.

Maybe by talking to her you'll tease out some unhappiness on her part that you could address. Ideally she'd come to you with it of course but there could be lots of reasons she doesn't. 

What do you have to lose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jpete

Have you considered asking her about what she said? Her motivation for saying it?


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## Be smart

A good wife never talk bad things abotu her husband,especially to friends. Same goes for husbands.

You really need to talk with her. Maybe she is using you like someone who is going to be there for her and her children.

Dont let this behind you,you need to bring this and talk about it.


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## Cleigh

Be smart said:


> A good wife never talk bad things abotu her husband,especially to friends. Same goes for husbands.
> 
> You really need to talk with her. Maybe she is using you like someone who is going to be there for her and her children.
> 
> Dont let this behind you,you need to bring this and talk about it.


I call bs on that. You need to vent. Partners can't be perfect all the time, what's a close/best friend for if you can't vent to them when your partner is being a d$ckhead. I don't know about guys but females know that when you are b$tching about your partner, don't think too much about it because it's just something you need to get off your chest.


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## Be smart

Cleigh said:


> I call bs on that. You need to vent. Partners can't be perfect all the time, what's a close/best friend for if you can't vent to them when your partner is being a d$ckhead. I don't know about guys but females know that when you are b$tching about your partner, don't think too much about it because it's just something you need to get off your chest.



I have to disagree. If you have problems in your marriage you talk them with YOUR BEST FRIEND and that is your wife or your husband.

We are not talking about small little things,this is serious.


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## Catherine602

It's a betrayal. From your point of view, your partnership is solid. In your view, she loves and respects you and you are certain that she has your back against all others. Even if she talking sh!t with her friend, she is aligning herself with her friend not you. She broke rank and partners never do that. She cannot be trusted. 

Could you be missing something? It is worth looking carefully at your relationship in light of what you heard. It's possible you are coasting and not observing carefully. 

You said you don't fight. That is a big red flag. Does she agree with everything you say and do? Why? If she is not talking about the things tat make her unhappy in the relationship then she is concealing her real feelings. Maybe to do as she said, put up with you for a big payout. Does she work outside of the home? Does she spend lavishly? Who handles the finances?

There are things you are not seeing. Before talking to her about this, take time to observe and think. While you are doing that, why not update your appearance. Make sure that you are weight appropriate, dress nicely, latest hair cut, new glasses, new style. 

This is serious, prepare yourself for change. The nature of your relationship needs to change so that neither of you talks about the relationship to outsiders. Plus you have to stop avoiding conflict. Hopefully, the relationship will grow.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Yeah, I agree there is venting allowed and much you should let go. I'd be THOROUGHLY pissed if the venting included the money I make, how tired of me you were and how much you would take in a divorce. I do agree with many of the comments about talking it out after you calm down. I do disagree with "ball and chain" men talking comments being comparable to a divorce lottery comment.


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## Catherine602

Cleigh said:


> I call bs on that. You need to vent. Partners can't be perfect all the time, what's a close/best friend for if you can't vent to them when your partner is being a d$ckhead. I don't know about guys but females know that when you are b$tching about your partner, don't think too much about it because it's just something you need to get off your chest.


Besides being bad form to talk about your best friend behind their back, it's risky. 

Ever hear of affairs where the OW or OM is a friend of the BS? Sharing details about a spouse is like introducing a third person into the relationship. The spouse might not look so bad from that angle.


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## Cleigh

Catherine602 said:


> Besides being bad form to talk about your best friend behind their back, it's risky.
> 
> Ever hear of affairs where the OW or OM is a friend of the BS? Sharing details about a spouse is like introducing a third person into the relationship. The spouse might not look so bad from that angle.


I have told my friend that I'm apparently cheating on my partner with her. By the point of view that gets shared on this forum. Because of the things I share with her and whatever else it is (I can't remember now ) I'm apparently cheating on my partner. He would find that laughable. 

I think there is a difference between venting to you friend and to your partner. A vent is just that. You don't expect to fix things by venting to a friend. You just need to get it out. They might offer some advice, like on this forum. You vent and get advice. Once I'm ready to fix things, I would go to my partner and tell him. Might throw around some of the ideas that friend has said (without saying she said it). I don't vent about my partner to my partner until I have advice clear head. That just causes arguments, when I have vented to friend and feel like I can bring a clear head to the relationship, that's when I would go to my partner. 

Also as a side note, I don't belive that your hubby/wife has to be your best friend. I'm sure it helps, but I would rather a female best friend. Someone who understands how a females mind works.


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## farsidejunky

*Re: Wife says to her friend &quot;I just put up with him&quot;*



Relationship Teacher said:


> Actions>Words


RT beat me to it.

Don't listen to her. Watch her.

If the respect wanes; if the sex dries up; if the admiration ceases; then you have cause to worry.


Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## BioFury

ReidWright said:


> I wouldn't take that too seriously. Haven't you heard a bunch of guys complaining to each about their 'ball and chain', and getting nagged, etc? sometimes a oneupmanship thing happens.
> 
> 
> Or maybe she was just trying to relate to her friend? Imagine if her friend had said how bad her husband was, and your wife said, "Oh, my husband is wonderful!!"...
> 
> unless it becomes a pattern, I'd just ask her about it, then let it go


Uh, what? If my wife said those things about me in any context, I don't care how pathetic her friends life or spouse is, we would have words.


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## Evinrude58

*Re: Wife says to her friend &quot;I just put up with him&quot;*



farsidejunky said:


> RT beat me to it.
> 
> Don't listen to her. Watch her.
> 
> If the respect wanes; if the sex dries up; if the admiration ceases; then you have cause to worry.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I would agree. How are those things, OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyedlily

If you love someone, you don't disrespect them to anyone. I personally would never disrespect the man I love to anyone, he is the one I should vent to, if I have issues and we would discuss it. I'm so tired of women doing this--it frankly makes me ill.. I would confront her on it.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

I like the idea of the VAR under the seat. He can confront her, at which point she will: lie and say she didn't mean it, tell the truth and say she didn't mean it, lie and say she didn't say it (crazy but this is probably what will happen), only partial truth will come out. He can't get the information he needs to make an informed decision by confronting her. Talking to her is different from a confrontation. If it gets confrontational, I think the lying will come out. Nobody likes to think of themselves as a bad person and if she is confronted with what she said, there's not much else she can think of herself about what she said/did.

Get the VAR and use it for a while. Find out what your wife is really thinking about. Maybe talk to a mutual friend and found out if she's unhappy. Knowledge is power-- maybe the power to work on your marriage harder, maybe the power to walk.

Good luck OP. I hope you'll address some of the questions asked about your marriage. It might help with the advice you receive.


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## Catherine602

My opinion, don't get a VAR or over react. The first thing I think you should do is reassess your marriage. Look at the lack of arguing as a bad thing. Whatever the meaning of her phone conversation, she is probably angry with you and you need to find out why.

If she finds a VAR or gets wind of spying, you may irreparably damage your relationship. Don't take the nuclear option, there is a lot you can do short of spying.


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## turnera

Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs yet?


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## Yeswecan

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I come early last night and find my wife talking to her best friend. Before I say hello I hear her saying to her friend in a unplayfull tone "Ya I just put up with him". They were talking about divorce or something. Then she goes on saying how she'll be set for the rest of her life if we divorced because I make decent money.
> 
> Is this messed up or what? I thought we had a decent marriage until now. She acts and treats me like she's happy and blessed to have such a good life. We go out on dates, have sex twice a week or more, I tell her shes beautiful, rub her feet without asking, we have pet names we use non stop with each other otherwise a very nice marriage I thought. Just the day before that she tells me "thanks for taking care of me and the girls" ( my stepdaughters) like she say on occasion. I get along great with my stepdaughter too.
> We hardly ever argue or fight. WTF?
> 
> How would you react?



How would I react? I would put her on the spot. Ask her exactly what she means by this. Honestly, I would not say such things about my W in jest. My W not say these things even in a joking manner. That crap is hurtful. 

Take your W to task. Tell her if D is the best way to go for her then have at it. See how she reacts.


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## Yeswecan

nothingturnsoutright said:


> I posted this thread. I know what I heard and it was not jokenly or playful. She was was not consoling her friend to make her feel better either. She meant in her voice what she said which was a shock to me. We were not fighting or arguing before this.
> Sucks to work so hard to make her and her girls happy and be thought of around her friens as some guy she can hardly stand and put up with.
> Now I find it hard to even be close to her and do all the little things anymore.
> 
> I thought she was a least my best friend...


Yes, hearing that crap makes you feel like a tool bag. If the crap is creamer on the other side advise your W you will begin the process of throwing her over to the creamy side.


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## Yeswecan

*Re: Wife says to her friend &quot;I just put up with him&quot;*



farsidejunky said:


> RT beat me to it.
> 
> Don't listen to her. Watch her.
> 
> If the respect wanes; if the sex dries up; if the admiration ceases; then you have cause to worry.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Or you have someone who is playing the part well.


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## Catherine602

Cleigh said:


> I have told my friend that I'm apparently cheating on my partner with her. By the point of view that gets shared on this forum. Because of the things I share with her and whatever else it is (I can't remember now ) I'm apparently cheating on my partner. He would find that laughable.
> 
> I think there is a difference between venting to you friend and to your partner. A vent is just that. You don't expect to fix things by venting to a friend. You just need to get it out. They might offer some advice, like on this forum. You vent and get advice. Once I'm ready to fix things, I would go to my partner and tell him. Might throw around some of the ideas that friend has said (without saying she said it). I don't vent about my partner to my partner until I have advice clear head. That just causes arguments, when I have vented to friend and feel like I can bring a clear head to the relationship, that's when I would go to my partner.
> 
> Also as a side note, I don't belive that your hubby/wife has to be your best friend. I'm sure it helps, but I would rather a female best friend. Someone who understands how a females mind works.


Expressing frustration after unsuccessful efforts to fix a problem Vs. expressing frustration when the problem is not communicated or the effort made to solve are two different things. The former is venting and the latter lying.

If she is unhappy and has not exerted any effort to fix the problem then she has nothing to be frustrated or to vent about. Venting is borne out of the frustration over repeated unsuccessful efforts to fix a problem. Her husband has had no chance to fix anything because he does not know. 

So her frustration is hidden and therefore she is deceptive. If there are no problems then she is delusional. Either way, he needs to find out who she really is. The sweet happy wife or a poser. 

There is more than one type of friendship. Each fulfills different functions. Some you know well due to intertwine lives over many years and others, no. What is a person with whom you have the most intimate relationship out of all others? Who else do you trust with the knowledge of your faults and secrets. 

Trust them not to betray you. To share the precious gift of children and then depend upon them for all or partial support. Thats is a lot of eggs to place in a basket that is not tied closely to you in friendship.

Where is the OP??


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## committed_guy

MachoMcCoy said:


> I don't even understand if those words were meant to go together in a meaningful sentence. I don't understand them.


You forgot to quote the context from the previous sentence. Sorry my grammar is not perfect but this is the internet.

What I was trying to say was by going through some of the marriage books together, my wife and I were able to have conversations that helped me understand her and myself better.

I was suggesting some way that you could sit down with your wife to talk about marriage. Sometimes doing a book study together is good as you two are talking about the book, and not at each other.


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## straightshooter

*Re: Wife says to her friend "I just put up with him"
I like the idea of the VAR under the seat. He can confront her, at which point she will: lie and say she didn't mean it, tell the truth and say she didn't mean it, lie and say she didn't say it (crazy but this is probably what will happen), only partial truth will come out. He can't get the information he needs to make an informed decision by confronting her. Talking to her is different from a confrontation. If it gets confrontational, I think the lying will come out. Nobody likes to think of themselves as a bad person and if she is confronted with what she said, there's not much else she can think of herself about what she said/did.

Get the VAR and use it for a while. Find out what your wife is really thinking about. Maybe talk to a mutual friend and found out if she's unhappy. Knowledge is power-- maybe the power to work on your marriage harder, maybe the power to walk.
*


I agree with this. If you are convinced, and you know your wife better than us, that she meant what she was saying, then you need to find out what the hell else is on her mind. That kind of disrespect and being convinced she could get rid of you and be fine, is perfect justification to enter an affair and not be worried about the outcome., If you ask her about it, she will tell you you are crazy and she either did not say it or mean it. That leaves you in limbo.

You just got a red flag. What you do with it is the tough call.


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## tech-novelist

If I overheard my wife saying that in a serious tone of voice, we would have a *very *serious talk.


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