# Husband's cougar fantasy destroying marriage.



## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

My husband has an older woman fantasy that might destroy our marriage. He tells me it started from an early sexual experience he had with his friend's mother while they were both intoxicated. He also had a sexual relationship with a much older (20 + years older)co-worker before we met that lasted over a period of months. He would get drunk, call her and they would meet up for sex. He claims that it was only sex. Six months ago he went out drinking when I thought he was at work and he called her while drunk asking to stay at her place. I was at home on maternity leave with our newborn son. Fortunately he was not able to go to her place and instead came home. I discovered what had almost happened and spent the next months reeling from the pain and betrayal and loss of self esteem from this near infidelity while trying to recover physically from the birth of our son. We went to counseling. The mature fantasy didn't really bother me before this happened as I am 5 years older than my husband and thought it a good thing that he liked older women since I was older. However, I am not old enough to fulfill his fantasy of a MUCH older woman.I also came to realize that he had been looking at pictures of her on social media and watching a lot of "mature" and "cougar" pornography while I was pregnant with our son. He had been looking at her face book profile intermittantly throughout our relationship. She was there in the background the whole time. I began to think "What do these women have that I dont have?" " What can I do to fulfill him enough that he wont need this fantasy?". The answer was nothing. I can not make myself older to please him and even if I could he would not want a 50+ year old wife. He rejected sex with me so many times when I wanted to feel reassurance that my husband stilll loved me, even with all the changes in my body that pregnancy was causing, and chose instead to indulge himself in this fantasy and ignore my needs. During the time when I was trying to recover, when I was working so hard to pull my body back together to please him and I felt that I was at my weakest, he tried to cheat on me. I forgave him because I loved him, I did not want to think of my life or my son's life without him and he seemed sincere and resolute not to allow this to happen again. I am still hurting from what almost happened and I still look at myself in the mirror every day trying to find a way to make myself better so that he wont want to think of her or the fantasy that is silently destroying us.
I recently discovered that he has been looking at the mature/cougar pornography again and has been trying to hide it from me. I am trying to give him everything I can think of sexually so that he wont lose himself in that fantasy again. I try to do everything in the bedroom that I know pleases him. I am now below the weight I was when we got together and in really good shape again so I know its not my body, its the fantasy. How can I tell him how much it hurts? How helpless and worthless I feel when he prefers to get off to pornography instead of with me? How I feel like he is cheating on me and hiding it? (I feel that seeking out the fulfillment of sexual needs thru porn is just as much a betrayal as if I fulfilled my needs for attention by flirting with other men online ) How much I fear that he will decide to find a way to make this fantasy real and destroy our family? How every time he closes his eyes during sex now I wonder whose face he is imagining? How seeing that he still prefers to get off to cougar porn rather than having sex with a real woman who loves him brings back all the pain of what he almost did? I feel like he loves his fantasy more than me. I love him so much and want to meet all of his needs sexually but I dont meet the age requirement. I am also worried that as he gets older he may start having a younger women fantasy that I wont be able to meet either. I dont want him to look anywhere else for his needs. I love my husband more than words can say, I just need him to love me enough to not need/want this anymore.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Young men with cougar fantasies are attracted to the idea that the older woman, more mature more experienced, will take the lead during sex. Taking the lead in a teaching mode, and enthusiastic loving mode..just like what you see in cougar porn. This is why your husband turned away from you when you needed him most during your pregnancy, you made the mistake of needing him and counting on him and he isn't attracted by that dynamic.

So, if you can make it so that you never actually need him, never ask anything from him but are always willing to enthusiastically give to him, your marriage should be fab.

However, that's not even remotely realistic.

My dear, you've married a Peter Pan. A man pup who doesn't want to be needed because that interfers with him getting his needs met. As you baby gets older, the time you devote to your baby will make him extremely jealous, resentful, and bitter and he will most likely be seeking more mature woman with whom he can tell his tale of woe and be nurtured and loved.

Get thee to an attorney, pronto!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This sounds very bad.

I agree with what Anon said above. I also think he likely has a porn addiction, especially since he sneaks and tries to hide it from you. And he should definitely stop drinking since he seems to want to hook up with this lady every time he gets drunk.

If you're going to even remotely consider staying in this marriage, he needs counseling. Immediately. But I'm not sure he can be "fixed." 

And please quit jumping through hoops to try to please him sexually, unless he goes for counseling. He should be jumping through hoops trying to make it up to you. I mean, c'mon... this man is drooling and salivating (and who knows WHAT else) over this woman's Facebook page while you are trying to raise a newborn. What a jacka$$ he is.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If we flip this story around and it was about a woman with an older man fetish because she had an experience when she was young at a friend's house when she and her friend's father were intoxicated...

...odds are somebody would have been put in jail and now be registering as a sex offender! 

Your husband was sexually abused. You can help him heal or just get rid of him. Generally men are very protective of women when such things happen to them and they are abused at a young age. Young boys are vulnerable as well, but society and other posters here obviously have no patience.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Early sexual experience he had with his friends mother while they both were intoxicated.... Doesn't say how old he was, but the mention of intoxication suggests he wasn't a child.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Early sexual experience he had with his friends mother while they both were intoxicated.... Doesn't say how old he was, but the mention of intoxication suggests he wasn't a child.


I knew plenty of kids in high school (under 18) that got intoxicated all the time. Some parents even encouraged them to do so at home with their friends so they would not be out somewhere and get a DUI trying to drive back home. 

When it comes to the topic of underage men having sex with mature women, society pretty much just has this to say:

SNL courtroom skit of child abuse https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM28YFrMdfI

If it were a very young girl involved with a much older man, it would be no joke! But when this happens to a young man and he grows up all messed up, nobody cares, he is a deviant, just throw him away and move on to someone better. 

Had a friend in college this way, so it hits home a little. He had problems and could not have healthy relationships! His girlfriends that were older than his mom would actually brag TO HIS MOM that he was raised to be so polite ad nice! 

Real funny isn't it!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You need to define "very young girl."

I read the OP and assumed the H had been in college or maybe late high school, and lemme tell ya, today's high school boys seem to think any well looking older woman just can't wait to get his pants down. Ask me how I know...

I had two friends who had affairs with men as old as and in one case OLDER than most of our Dads, and neither of them were damaged for life about those consensual though highly inappropriate affairs. Though one of them ended up marrying a man 25 years older than her and they are still happy...or so face book indicates.

The OP's H has a fetish, how he got it no one can say. No one can ever say how someone develops a fetish, but those high school experiences didn't BEGIN the fetish.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Bad Santa...we DO care or at least I do. I have a son and care very much about any adults who were sniffing around him when he was a kid and teen. I also know men who were messed up just like you describe.

There is a big movement to get the issue of child sex abuse against boys spoken about and prosecuted when the perp is an adult.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

OP, you didn't have a "near infidelity" you had an actual infidelity caused by your husband period. He may have been intoxicated but he was still responsible for his actions, and though he ended up going home to you instead of the older OW's home, the intent to betray you, his wife and the mother of his newborn child, was there, and is still there in the corners of his conscious mind.

You don't coddle a cheating spouse, whether or not you want to reconcile or divorce. If you want to divorce then all it takes is to file and pay the fees. If you want to reconcile the you lay down the law by setting boundaries such as IC for him and MC for the two of you. If he doesn't or is reluctant, then you should seriously think about continuing to live with a man who will be the man you need or moving on with your life without him. I recommend you do the latter.


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

We did attend marriage counseling , which he was more than willing to do to help or marriage and the topic of the initial experience with his friends mom did come up and his response was that he initially felt wrong and taken advantage of but then after thinking about it realized that it was exciting and basically no strings attached sex at the age of 18. She was allowing them to drink alcohol at her house. I have to wonder if she hadn't done it before with her son's other friends after getting them drunk..... so the counselor didn't really tallk about it any further since he didn't seem terribly traumatized. I do worry about him being there for us if something happens where i can no longer provide for our family. I have a daughter from a previous marriage (that is a whole other post in itself) and I have from the beginning been the one paying all household bills. I want to talk to him about this but i am only afraid he will say he is going to stop and just get better at covering it up. I need it to stop because it is really causing me a lot of pain and anxiety.


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

He also does almost always want me to basically take the complete lead during sex which i have talked to him about. If i have to feel like the man in almost every other aspect of our lives I'd like to get to feel like the woman in bed at least once in awhile.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Statler Brothers - Bed of Roses live - vidéo dailymotion


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Greeneyedlady95 said:


> I have from the beginning been the one paying all household bills.


Well I was with ya up until this....but now I'm going to encourage you to consider your options and recommend against supporting a man who has cheated on you and likely will do it again.

Sorry honey, this sucks.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For you BadSanta:

U.S. cracks down on female teachers who sexually abuse students


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Can you break up your posts into paragraphs? It's a lot easier for people to read as opposed to a wall of text.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You need to define "very young girl."
> 
> I read the OP and assumed the H had been in college or maybe late high school, and lemme tell ya, today's high school boys seem to think any well looking older woman just can't wait to get his pants down. *Ask me how I know...*
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

intheory...that is sad. Childhood sexual abuse should be seen for what it is. Some people are truly stunted for life from it. I am sure that as many boys as girls have always been sexually abused, it is just that boys were more hushed about it (and of course, girls are not necessarily encouraged to speak about it either, but boys, even less so).


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

He didn't physically cross the line with this other woman. He didn't even manage to talk to her. This other woman and her friend were also intoxicated that night and her friend answered the phone and said he couldn't come over. (Believe me i know how this could have turned out otherwise and it really hurts that the situation most likely stopped this). I would have preferred obviously for my husband to have stopped himself. 

When i confronted him he picked up the phone and told me he was sorry and loved our family and myself. He then called her, without me asking, and left a message saying he was sorry he had called her, that he had made a mistake and loved his family and he would never contact her again. He knows how close he came to losing us. He was incredibly drunk when he came home. I don't think I've ever seen him that intoxicated. I don't even know how he made it home.


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

We now have a joint Facebook account. Both phones are without locks and we know that at any time we can look at each other's phones. He doesn't get to go out drinking at all without me with me. He'll have a beer or two at home once in a while. I feel that he is trying to change. 
I did conFront him last night about this and he said it only started the last couple wks. It seems like he resorts to this cougar porn when he experiences a failure. I mentioned that to him and that he needs to talk to me instead of resorting to unhealthy ways of dealing with it. I also simply stated he is going on 30 and this cougar fantasy is no longer pertinent to his age and he needs to grow up. He agreed. But I'm watching and if i see it again he will be getting one on one counseling. 
I left my first marriage due to an attempted infidelity. This time i am trying to fight for my marriage and my family.


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

The phones and shared Facebook profile were initiated 6 months ago. That's how i could tell he had been watching the porn. I know he hasn't been looking or searching for her or any of his exes again or we would be separated right now.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why doesn't he have an income?


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

He does have an income but i make a great deal more money and we both agreed for him to work part time as he was in classes to get certified in an area to get a better paying job. He doesn't have much more money than to pay for his own bills. He passed his courses but recently tested for his certification and found out he failed the first attempt. I think it is part of the reason he went back to this behavior. Its strange but I think he resorts back to this as a comforting thing when he is very stressed and feels like he has failed in some way. Not an acceptable excuse at all but just something i noticed.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Greeneyedlady...

Could you clarify how old your husband was when he had his first sexual encounter with his friend's mother? My understanding was that he was 18? While that is young, I don't think it really qualifies as childhood sexual abuse. He was legally an adult.

At any rate, despite what the counselor said, he does still seem to have some conflicting feelings about it. First he said he felt somewhat taken advantage of; then he said he realized it was "no strings attached" sex and it was exciting.

Even if he wasn't traumatized (according to the counselor) I still think it contributed to where he's at now in terms of his attraction for older women. I agree though, 30 is too old for this cougar fascination. It's time for him to grow up.


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

He also was raised by his dad and still doesn't have the best relationship with his mom so i have to wonder if he's not looking for some type of acceptance from an older mother figure. The older women he has been with in the past all have long dark hair and tan skin and slightly heavier like his mother.


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

He was 18 years old when it happened to him and it wasn't just one time. He says it happened a few times. He would go to his friend's house, drink and then when he was drunk she would pull him aside into another room and....... you know the rest.


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

I also feel he is conflicted about it but most likely society told him he should be happy for any sexual attention, especially that from an older woman. It makes me ill that this sick woman's actions are now causing problems in my marriage and how many other young men whom she probably affected by taking advantage of them like that?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Greeneyedlady95 said:


> It makes me ill that this sick woman's actions are now causing problems in my marriage and how many other young men whom she probably affected by taking advantage of them like that?


I completely agree. My son is 21 now, but I distinctly remember his 18th birthday and all his friends turning 18 as well. I still thought of them as "babies". Lol

She really did prey on his innocence. Yuck.

Just being nosey, but do you know if the friend knew what his mom was doing with his buddies?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Greeneyedlady95 said:


> He was 18 years old when it happened to him and it wasn't just one time. He says it happened a few times. He would go to his friend's house, drink and then when he was drunk she would pull him aside into another room and....... you know the rest.


Thanks Greeneyedlady95 for sharing. In my opinion when a guy has a first sexual experience of that nature and that young, it becomes imprinted upon who he is. Society sends a great deal of mixed signals, and because young men are vulnerable they can easily be taken advantage of...

As for my friend, he chose to let this older women tear him away from his mom. She then tossed my friend to the side once she got what she wanted and now he has no family to go back to. Meanwhile he really does not know how to have a healthy relationship with women his age as "being used" by an experienced woman is what feels normal to him and what he desires. 

Unfortunately encouraging your husband to spend time around other men in healthy relationships may not help, as they may actually cheer him on. Guys tend to take enjoyment out of watching other men to stupid stuff just to watch what happens. 

While I do not have much advice, you probably will need to be strong and encourage him to become confident and learn that him knowing how to please a women (as in being selfless) can be way more erotic than having someone please him. 

Be patient with him, tell him not to be ashamed and hide stuff (as that may be what his instincts tell him). And it sound as if he is trying to avoid unhealthy things as his instincts are giving him the correct queues to undo what was done to him when he was young. 

Regarding age, learning to behave with sexual maturity takes time and should be something that grows out of a healthy relationship. It sound like your husband did not get an opportunity to do that as it was taken from him by somebody that should have known better and wanted to take advantage of another person who was not only young but ALSO intoxicated!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So we give a pass to a man who is unfaithful due to a sexually abusive sitch but not to a woman? Because this is what I'm reading here. The compassion pouring out for this man-boy who is, I'm guessing, at least 24-25 years old, may be appropriate but it certainly doesn't meant he is excused from faithfulness, excused from learning to have a healthy relationship and certainly not excused from seeking appropriate help.

OP, life is full of uncertainty and some times crappy lousy things happen. Your husband needs to learn how to cope with those things as well as learning to cope with how first sexual experience has warped him.

This means you have firm boundaries. He gets help or he gets out. Without help he will certainly do this again and again. Without help, he will never be the husband you thought you were marrying.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> So we give a pass to a man who is unfaithful due to a sexually abusive sitch but not to a woman?


I give him a pass because while he was "trying" to cheat, fate stepped in and *prevented* it. Perhaps there is some meaning in that and an opportunity that most relationships don't have for the original poster to forgive and heal with her husband!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't give him a pass, neither for attempted cheating nor for not bringing in any income.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> For you BadSanta:
> 
> U.S. cracks down on female teachers who sexually abuse students


For those interested in this article here is the important part:

_"Law enforcement is increasingly feminized, and women are much less prone to the old attitude: 'Oh, this is just some kid who got lucky,'" said David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center. "They recognize the issues involved and they go after women who violate the statutes."

*Depression, low-self esteem and difficulty maintaining future relationships are among the long-term consequences that male victims face*, according to experts. Those problems are sometimes compounded by confusion and guilt over whether they are actually victims since their adolescent bodies involuntarily respond to physical contact._​
What gets me is that when young males are abused, the resulting trauma is often easily dismissed or overlooked. Even the OP followed up to say:

_he topic of the initial experience with his friends mom did come up and his response was that he initially felt wrong and taken advantage of but then after thinking about it realized that it was exciting and basically no strings attached sex at the age of 18. She was allowing them to drink alcohol at her house. I have to wonder if she hadn't done it before with her son's other friends after getting them drunk..... *so the counselor didn't really tallk about it any further since he didn't seem terribly traumatized.*_​
Seems pretty obvious to me that this counselor is from the old school of "he got lucky" and does not attribute binge drinking and continued attempts at infidelity with older women as a form of trauma from being abused.

As for him being unable to provide income for the marriage, as long as he is making a genuine effort to improve himself and making progress, that is a big accomplishment for you to support. If he is making no efforts, then you do have a serious problem. 

Life is messy! No one is perfect. Love comes in many shapes and forms that can be almost impossible to recognize. One of the few forms of true love that seems to be easy to recognize is that of patience. If your husband displays little or no patience for the pain his situation has caused, then you also have a serious problem, and should perhaps heed the advice of others that also seem to have no patience for broken people. 

Best wishes...
Badsanta


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Counselors cannot address an issue the client doesn't feel they need help with, though. I don't think this necessarily means the counselor felt "he got lucky". They can't drill you and force you to "admit" something really affected you if you aren't forthcoming with it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Counselors cannot address an issue the client doesn't feel they need help with, though. I don't think this necessarily means the counselor felt "he got lucky". They can't drill you and force you to "admit" something really affected you if you aren't forthcoming with it.


_his response was that he initially felt wrong and taken advantage of_​
Let me reword that and see if this strikes a chord?

_Her response was that she initially felt wrong and taken advantage of_​
Perhaps you have also never heard that it is common for those abused to fall in love with those abusing them? Thus the "cougar fantasy." 

I'll admit I am not a counselor, but I see screaming red flags. Like I said earlier it hits home with me because this story is parallel to a friend of mine in college. Perhaps I benefit from seeing it first hand.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do we know if that response was to his wife or to the counselor? It was unclear to me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I'll admit I am not a counselor, but I see screaming red flags. *Like I said earlier it hits home with me because this story is parallel to a friend of mine in college. Perhaps I benefit from seeing it first hand.*


Like I ALSO said earlier, I ALSO have male friends who are screwed up for a lifetime from this happening. Did you miss that part?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Like I ALSO said earlier, I ALSO have male friends who are screwed up for a lifetime from this happening. Did you miss that part?


Why yes, I did miss that part. :scratchhead:

I am sure the OP would be interested and thankful to hear if these male friends of yours ever managed to overcome their situation and have healthy relationships.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If an 18 year old female has sex with a 50 year old man, it's legal as long as she consented. And yes I've known a good number of girls that ago who were sexual with men much older than the girls were. 

How is it now that if an 18 year old guy has sex with an older woman it's abuse?

At what age is a person now responsible for choosing to have sex?


.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

No, they did not. One is over 50 and has never been able to have a normal relationship. Yet he thinks he is very progressive sexually. He may be, I don't know what having sex with him is like....I just know that women always dump him before too long and he keeps chasing women who are clearly bad for him and will keep doing so forever I guess. This guy was sexually abused by a neighbor woman in her 30's when he was 15 or so, repeatedly. Of course he says and has always said that he loved it, it did not harm him. The evidence of his life tells a different story, and he laments his inability to form real relationships yet doesn't connect the two. He refuses counseling, says he doesn't need it or want it. He doesn't chase older women though, instead, he has ONLY ever chased women exactly the same age as the woman who abused him. So in his 20's he chased 30 y/os, in his 30's he chased 30 y/os, in his 40's he chased 30 y/o's, and now still in his 50's he is chasing 30 y/os. He doesn't see the connection here, either. 

The other one is over 60 and was sexually abused by his mother for years during his childhood. He is a severe alcoholic and no longer tries to have any relationships because he simply can't bring himself to have sex at all. For many years he stuffed down this trauma and was married and had children. His wife finally left him because he couldn't have sex with her at all, and that's when he started drinking. He tried having a relationship after her, but he still couldn't have sex. So he continued drinking until now it is a very huge problem.

I also know several men who were abused by men when they were children or minors.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If an 18 year old female has sex with a 50 year old man, it's legal as long as she consented. And yes I've known a good number of girls that ago who were sexual with men much older than the girls were.
> 
> How is it now that if an 18 year old guy has sex with an older woman it's abuse?
> 
> ...


In the case of this OP's husband, to me it was abusive because it was a woman in a position of power relative to the husband (ie: he did not feel he could say no and she should have acted more responsibly)...however...being 18 means he legally consented (if he did consent). You can still be abused even if you consent though.

I'm not saying if it was or wasn't abuse in the OP's husband's case, we don't really have all the facts nor do we have his side of the story.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The. Fact that copious amounts of alcohol were always involved meant full consent by him not possible, judgement impaired.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> The. Fact that copious amounts of alcohol were always involved meant full consent by him not possible, judgement impaired.


Fact.. we do not know how much alcohol was involved nor how much each of them consumed. For all we know she was passed out on the floor.

My point is that there are a lot of assumptions being made here.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Well, OP says they were 'drunk' and 'intoxicated'. That would be lots of alcohol. We can say shes telling the truth, or make up our own conjectures.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> Well, OP says they were 'drunk' and 'intoxicated'. That would be lots of alcohol. We can say shes telling the truth, or make up our own conjectures.



If they were drunk and intoxicated, then they were both drunk and intoxicated. If we take that literally, neither was in a state in which they could legally consent to the sex that they had. They were both legally adults.

OP also said that they both sought each other out for more sexual encounters after that.

There are a lot of details of the original encounter that the OP did not include.


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## Greeneyedlady95 (Apr 23, 2015)

I am not giving him a pass out of this behavior and i have set clear boundaries as far as future behavior. My husband is 27 and i know he is plenty old enough to take responsibility for his own actions. I am trying to be understanding and to love him thru this as a good wife would and trying to help him heal and support every effort he makes to be a better man. I also am planning to arrange counseling for us again and maybe for myself seperately since this has really had a negative impact on my self esteem and my hope for our future. 

Many of your posts really hit home and resonated with me because they are things I fear myself to be true and I truly hope that we can find healing, a better understanding of each other, better communication and a stronger relationship so that nothing like this will happen again. I know that he wants to have a healthy relationship with me and to be a contributing part of our family. I know that at the core of him he is a good man. Just sometimes makes the wrong choices.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I give him a pass because while he was "trying" to cheat, fate stepped in and *prevented* it. Perhaps there is some meaning in that and an opportunity that most relationships don't have for the original poster to forgive and heal with her husband!


Yes, fate stepped in and prevented it. But OP was pregnant for 9 months and fate did not step in and prevent him from being unsupportive during her pregnancy. Taken together; his lack of support during the pregnancy and his attempted hook up, the man is a time bomb and unless he gets serious help he will never be the husband OP wants, nor the husband he could be.

I'm all for compassion toward those whose sexuality was warped due to a sexually abusive sitch!!! But I want it applied equally. I also have always felt that the suffering spouse absolutely should insist on appropriate therapy because with out help, you get more of the same year after year. While OP's husband was an adult and his consent was questionable due to alcohol, we cannot say if his cougar fetish is due to that experience or not. 

I personally think NOT because fetishes, or the idea of sexual turn ons, tend to be present from pretty early in life. We simply do not know what causes any particular fetish to manifest. How does a person develop a foot fetish, a rubber fetish, a spanking fetish? No one really knows. So I submit that his cougar fetish was present before Mrs Robinson seduced him.


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