# When the OM takes over at home...



## Shooboomafoo

It sucks that one of the OM my exwife was dating while married to me, is now living in the marital home and spending as much time as I do with my kid. I'm beginning to notice how hes begun to play games to get on her good side, and feel EXTREMELY JEALOUS about it. Give me five minutes with him and a box cutter.
All this bullsh!t about Karma? Forget it, doesnt happen.

What a sorryasssed woman I ended up marrying. 
What a fking blight on the face of all thats decent.

Sure enough I seem to fade from what was a family and am now the outsider. I feel more like a dentist someone has to visit once a year rather than where a kid would want to go.. 

I wonder how much of a draw, that the appearance of cohesion over there has for a kid.


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## Shooboomafoo

I think I would feel better if it were some guy that came after the divorce. The fact that he was part of ruining my family, and now gets to live there, makes me feel like something has been taken away from me, and all I could do was watch. 
Helll, if it were just me, maybe it would be easier to deal with but, thats MY kid, and no punkasss has any right to assume a seat at my table, especially having gone about it the way it was.

Just feeling fking jaded today. GRAB SMASH THROW...


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## Shooboomafoo

Just gotta keep reminding myself how the marriage was, and the fact that I'd never want to get back with her smacks me straight in the face...
Jealous of what I wanted it to be, not of what it was... 

That, and the time with my kid that was stolen from me, by a cheating wh0re.


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## the guy

If they are cohabitating can you take her back to court and get your alimony redused now that she has a "increase in income"?

Talk to your lawyer and see if there are other thing that can be done.


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## the guy

I mean if the OM is paying rent then your X has income, don't you think?


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## Shooboomafoo

All I know is that he works construction, listening to the ex talk would make someone think he paid nothing at all. Which is par for the course re: her "love" of him...

I'm already paying a reduced CS as it is, because her income was well over 40% more than my own. If it werent for the 50/50 schedule the judge would have never signed off on it. 

UGH... just one of those days where the "evil-doers" appear to have won by cheating, and Im sick of losing to cheaters and liars.


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## Jellybeans

Shoo--ugh this does suck and I can understand why you feel jealous but just remember: there's only one you. You are their FATHER. Nothing replaces there.

Also, think of it this way: wow, he had to move in with HER? I think that says a lot.


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## Shooboomafoo

I tend to have a somewhat passive attitude about a lot of things. 
I think it may have been what enabled my trying to stick it out for so long, thinking that "family" was a courageous endeavor, worthy of the bruise. 

In my eyes, hes an enemy. He and that woman whose promises are empty over there, shouldnt get the blessing that is time with my kid. Some guy in a black robe knowing nothing about the last fifteen years of my life, decided it all for me.

I will never miss the complete lack of any respect from her. That snide-sounding voice that seems to carry with it an intrinsic contempt.
For so long being spoken to like a nine year old, counteracted in the most important of "Family" matters..
I dont miss that at all, and am sure he's not yet gotten his fair share. It takes awhile for her mask to come off, and the facade to be uncovered.


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## Jellybeans

Shooboomafoo said:


> Some guy in a black robe knowing nothing about the last fifteen years of my life, decided it all for me.


Divorce does suck.
But just think: woud you have wanted to be married to someone who didn't want to be married anymore? My bet is no. That judge released you. He did you a favor.
You will probably never get along with OM. And understandably so.
Just don't let him take up too much space in your head. 

And have you gotten laid yet?


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## thunderstruck

Shoo - sorry you're having to deal with this. It sucks, and it would eat me alive if I sat around thinking about it. Try to find things (interests/hobbies/friends) to fill your time.


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## Jellybeans

And women.  

Just saying.


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## calvin

I am so damn sorry to hear this.I feel bad for you.
The OM in my case bragged to co-workers how he was going to get a nice house and a 2 1/2 car garage,a nice pick-up that I gave her.
He even told them when the deal is done he'd throw a party and invite them all over.
Over my dead f'ing body.
She did try to kick me out,actually did for a few days then I kicked her out.
OM is sleeping in his work truck and at the shop office and thats still too good for him.
Karma does happen,give it some time.
So sorry for you man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

NopE! Ive been celibate for the last six years. The touch of my wife's hand, even the slightest resting of her palm against my lower back (she was shorter than I was) during grocery shopping seemed to carry with it a definition of continuing "care" for me....
(Amazing what we learn to subsist on, when its all there is)
She had issues physically and emotionally that didnt cater to an active sex life. I, however, figured it was part of the promise I gave to stay and eventually get worked out. 

Ive watched a LOT of adult material throughout my life, and am not lacking freakiness,, it was just completely stifled with her.
I hope to experience some freedom in that area some day with the right woman.
I dont do a whole lot. $$$ is SOOOOO freaking slim these days, Im down to counting quarters for gas at times. It will be this way for awhile. It doesnt give a man a sense of dignity or establishment, when out and about scoping the babes. Hey, would you like to come over to my house, for a Stouffers Pot Pie? LOL...

One day....


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## Shooboomafoo

Calvin, Im glad you stood your ground. Thats one for the good guys.


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## calvin

Lived on the pot pies and mac n cheese for years when I moved out at 16....good stuff.
Sucks man,they both will get theirs one day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Her lawyer said she would'nt get the house or kids.
Seven months into R and doing pretty good.
I hate reading your story,not right,not fair.
It just p!sses me off.
I wish you the best man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck

Jellybeans said:


> And women.
> 
> Just saying.


Yes, plenty of women.


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## cantmove

I hate that you're going through this. I will never know exactly how you feel as I'm getting the house. Stbx and posow will never live in the home I have raised my son. However, if and when they marry, there will be nothing I can do to legally stop her from playing weekend step-mom. That thought makes me want to vomit, scream, and hurt someone all at the same time. She will get to form a relationship with my son after stealing his father from him.


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## Nsweet

Such hostility..... Shoo, C'mon you're better than this. The OM shouldn't even matter unless he's abusing your kids. He is only a tool for your wife to mask her low self-esteem and use as an emotional punching in your place. 

Besides there's a sneakier way to handle this...... If you want that dirtbag to suffer and more time with your child you're going to have to treat the both of them as friendly as possible. Your basic 180 with a twist - you encourage that she's made the right decisions. 

Remove yourself from being her excuse for the troubles they are/will go through, and while your at it go ahead and tell her what a good mom she is. Feed her ego the way the OM did she first started the affair and encourage her to stick it out with him.

Boom! You start making head way in a few months when she stops thrashing you (as hard) and bite your time until the OM does something to really screw up. So long as you're consistent, by which I mean not outwardly aggressive and blaming her (passive aggressively masterminding a way to make him cry - WORKS BETTER!!!!) you'll do fine. 

"What's that? You had a fight over how to raise OUR kid? I'm sorry to hear that. Why is he acting like this?...... I can't believe that. I'm sure he'll make it up to you later on..... he seems like a sweetheart on the inside....... Give him a second chance". bwahahaha I'm going to dip my cookie in his tears. 

In case your wondering, this works!


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## Paradise

Shoo, I feel for ya, man. Don't have any words of wisdom for you but you know by now you are not alone in this. 

But, I do agree with what you said about karma. Honestly, I don't believe in it anymore and when people say anything of the sort it just about makes me want to puke. But, and I absolutely freakin' hate this phrase....It is what it is....

Nothing we can do about it short of taking a few nice swings with a baseball bat or some other destructive move but that sort of thing doesn't bode well for you, my friend. We would all love to have a few minutes with the OM/OW or even our Exes with a get out of jail free card but it's never going to happen so why even think about it. 

As for the finances....At least we have jobs. My money situation is no better than yours but it would be a lot worst if I didn't have income right now.


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## Dollystanford

the facade will come off soon enough and she'll treat him the way she treated you - you know it. This is what I tell myself about my ex. He was a difficult person to live with once you got past the charm and realised that underneath he was a narcissistic bully with a desperate insecurity about his perceived lack of education and standing in the world. 

Having someone else being in that 'family unit' where you should have been must be hard. But nsweet is right, they'll be fighting soon enough and you should be the one that is cool, calm and collected and above it all


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## Shooboomafoo

Yeah... 
I cant imagine having spent the rest of my life with her. That should be all there is to it. Hard to reconcile the parts you wanted versus what you didnt. Occasionally, outside issues like the $ situation compounds my outlook, and I scramble to hold on to everything that seems to be withdrawn from me. Having had no effect at all, I sure thought I'd be better off than this when the dust settled.


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## Hoosier

Who says the dust is settled? Time to pull yourself up bucko! You are one tough hombre, you can do it! Get the outcome you want, desire, and deserve. All the faith in you in the world.


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## Jellybeans

What you need is to go out on a hot date, Shoo.

Just go. Smile at a woman and ask her out.

At the time, I was really upset that exH got the house in our divorce. But in hindsight, I am happy about that now. Having to live in a home everyday where our memories were, knowing we divorced, no thanks. I know my ghost haunts him there. (He has told me as much). And will haunt any woman he ever moves in/has over there. Hee.


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## ScarletBegonias

i want to punch this woman in the throat...and maybe kick her in the vagina.

hugs for you shoo.I wish we could create a fund to send you on a much needed cruise..full of beautiful,sweet,and single ladies


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> i want to punch this woman in the throat...and maybe kick her in the vagina.


Haha. lLove the violence!

And I would contribute to that fund, Scarlet. But most importantly: THE GET LAID MISSION!


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. lLove the violence!


 i'm usually so peace loving.i had no advice or words of comfort that would even come close to easing his pain. 

So violence was the next best thing:smthumbup:


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## EnjoliWoman

I know you said you don't have much but did you have a wedding band? 

I sold my gold wedding band and took myself out for a lovely expensive dinner.  I got $126 for it. I didn't have an engagement ring. 

Anyway, just an idea for a little fun money plus the satisfaction it was paid for with that damn ring.


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## Broken at 20

This site is just full of depressing pages. I thought it would've been a site to share great success stories in marriage, from start to finish. 
Never judge a book by its cover I guess.

A guy in one of my classes gave me some great advice:

"The easiest way to get over a woman, is to get under a different woman." 

Now I don't have a whole lot of dating experience, but hey, you might try it. 

As for why life is so hard...


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## ScarletBegonias

Broken at 20 said:


> This site is just full of depressing pages. I thought it would've been a site to share great success stories in marriage, from start to finish.
> Never judge a book by its cover I guess.


You're in the "Life after Divorce" section hoping for positive stories? 

I bet Shoo is devastated that the story of how his life was crushed to pieces depressed you.


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## Jellybeans

I think he was tring to find rainbows and wedded bliss in the divorce section. Hahaha.


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## Broken at 20

ScarletBegonias said:


> You're in the "Life after Divorce" section hoping for positive stories?
> 
> I bet Shoo is devastated that the story of how his life was crushed to pieces depressed you.


I've been on the site for less than 24 hours. 
And I am looking possibly at my future. Hopefully not, but maybe.

I just had a problem, had no one to talk to, and turned to the internet. And this site was the first one that popped up that didn't look like it was infect my computer.

But yea, see where you are going with this...


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## thunderstruck

ScarletBegonias said:


> i want to punch this woman in the throat...and maybe kick her in the v*gina.


Still trying to figure out if I find this hot, or not. :scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias

Broken at 20 said:


> I've been on the site for less than 24 hours.
> And I am looking possibly at my future. Hopefully not, but maybe.
> 
> I just had a problem, had no one to talk to, and turned to the internet. And this site was the first one that popped up that didn't look like it was infect my computer.
> 
> But yea, see where you are going with this...


I hope you find the support you're looking for. It's a great site full of awesome advice and many positive posts. keep looking


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## 5Creed

I hate this for you~but really understand your feelings about the OM. Keep telling yourself that he is a nothing; and so is she. Of no real consequence to you. Let her play house with him.

As for your child-you are Dad and no man will ever take that away from you. Keep remembering what others said above; your prize is not having to spend the rest of your life with someone like her. There are much better relationships out there and you will find one someday!


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## WyshIknew

Sorry Shooboomafoo been looking through your threads but you have so many its hard to make sense of them.

What was the divorce settlement? It seems awfully harsh on you.

Is it forever? Does she keep the house for ever?

I don't know why men get married in America if that's the way you get screwed over, especially when the wife does the cheating. You'd think they should have some sort of penalty to the settlement if they were the people who bust up the marriage.



Where I live I remember one case of a chap I know whose wife cheated (this is probably 30 years ago) and she was awarded the house in the divorce and he still had to pay the mortgage or at least part of it. However once the oldest child was at school leaving age the house was to be sold and the proceeds divided.


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## calvin

The POSOM is a squatter,a leech,user,freeloader and a damn spong.
He wants the easy way.She'll figure that out and probably go find another one just like him.
I know you had it rough man but be glad to be rid of her.
If the dirtbag had a shred of respect for himself and others he wouldnt be there.


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## bandit.45

Something bad is going to happen to Shoo's ex. No one can tempt karma that long and not pay a heavy penalty. 

All Shoo can do is live an honest life and be a good dad to his daughter. He'll come out on top one day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

Broken at 20 said:


> I've been on the site for less than 24 hours.
> And I am looking possibly at my future. Hopefully not, but maybe.
> 
> I just had a problem, had no one to talk to, and turned to the internet. And this site was the first one that popped up that didn't look like it was infect my computer.
> 
> But yea, see where you are going with this...


I'll tell you this. Through all the bullcrap, I'm extremely optimistic and hopeful about the future.

Every divorcee will go through sadness/depression/crap. It's part of the ride. But if you learn from it, and allow yourself to use it as a learning experience, you can turn it into a positive.

Life can be really amazing, I'll go through 8 years of sh*t to figure that out any day.

The only advice I can give is, the journey is like a wave. The waves ebb and flow, they crash at times. Don't try to surf when the waves are crashing if you know what I mean. You have to just ride them out. If that means your sad, be sad, reflect on it, talk to yourself about why you're feeling the way you are. When you're happy, be happy, ride the wave.


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## vi_bride04

COguy said:


> I'll tell you this. Through all the bullcrap, I'm extremely optimistic and hopeful about the future.
> 
> Every divorcee will go through sadness/depression/crap. It's part of the ride. But if you learn from it, and allow yourself to use it as a learning experience, you can turn it into a positive.
> 
> Life can be really amazing, I'll go through 8 years of sh*t to figure that out any day.
> 
> The only advice I can give is, the journey is like a wave. The waves ebb and flow, they crash at times. Don't try to surf when the waves are crashing if you know what I mean. You have to just ride them out. If that means your sad, be sad, reflect on it, talk to yourself about why you're feeling the way you are. When you're happy, be happy, ride the wave.


Ya know, it's posts like this that give me so much hope. Almost everyone here on TAM has gone through some major b.s. and upheaval in their lives...yet this group has to be one of the most positive collective group of people I have had the pleasure of interacting with on a forum. :smthumbup:


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## Dollystanford

I'm just waiting for my decree absolute to arrive, then I'm free to marry again - who's next? heh heh

just kidding!


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## Shooboomafoo

i think the biggest issue that keeps the whole ugly cloud up front, and difficult to get moved on from, is the continued necessity of having to pick up and drop off the kid from her mothers house, the marital home. She will have to sell the house this year per the decree, but I dont expect to see much from the sale considering housing prices in the area. I may allow her to stay longer, or she may not want to. There are two new cars in the driveway over there, the ex has one, and has evidently purchased one for her mother, who works in between injuries/falls of her own, and visits to hospitals. Must be nice to be able to afford stuff like that.
I live close enough to her house, and that house is right next door to the school my kid goes to, so I just have to suck it up and try to dismiss everything I see going on. Her mother "could" come drop her off, but I would have to wait until later in the evening for that, and plus I dont want her sorry-asss over at my house. The first condescending word or scrutiny would not go over well.

This weekend I picked my kid up from her moms to start a week with me, and though I dont have the kind of $$ her mom has, theres a closeness that my kid has reaffirmed that she appreciates with me, that she has expressed she does not get at her moms house. I mean, how could she, with her moms face buried in her OM's lap 24/7.. So Im glad to be the one my kid can come to, to be paid attention to, and listened to. Her words..

I honestly "do" eventually get back to feeling glad I am not with the ex anymore. I just dont like the fact that her affair partner is now playing family with what once was my family, and how easy and weak it was of my ex to give it away like that.


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## Paradise

I know the financial aspect of it sucks, SHoo. You are not the only one who is dealing with that, however. I keep wondering how in the world my ex has the money to do all of the things she is currently doing but then again, it really is none of my business anymore. That is something that is hard for me to understand and accept. I get into "comparison" mode wondering if her life is really that much better since she dropped me from it and entered the affair partner into the picture. Fact is, I will never know and I have zero control over that. I want to provide for my girl and give her a good life but at the end of the day that doesn't amount to how much money I can spend on her. It matters only the quality of time I can give her. 

I'm actually going to be choosing to eliminate a part of my salary (and a part of my life since I was in 5th grade) next year so that I can give more quality time to my girl when I have her. 

There's a good idea on a thread in the going through divorce section about 40 things you can do. I actually did my list a week ago and it's amazing what I came up with.


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## Emerald

Oh this is heartbreaking. I don't know your story or how old your daughter is but something similar happened to my H. It may give you hope:

H's cheating wife kicked out H & moved in OM. 2 boys ages 11 & 12.
OM was "nice" to the boys at first, then got sick of them. H always stayed calm & didn't bad mouth cheating ex. Eventually OM dumped ex W - typical for affair partners.


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## Shooboomafoo

To honor my position of Dad, and to express my love in a way that my D10 will probably not realize until much later.. I take her over to her moms and pick her up after work during the school year. 
A year and two months after the divorce, and I still get that sinking feeling in my stomach as I pull up to the driveway, walk up that old familiar porch and knock on the door to get my daughter..

I hate that feeling. It feels weak. 
I put on my fake smile, so the kid dont see me "affected" by anything.. 

Today a mutual friend of the ex and I, sent me a msg on FB telling me she is both sad and mad that she lost both her friends (meaning, my ex and me, because I dont speak to those people anymore)
This "friend" was the one that suggested my ex go see if there was "anything there" when being romanced by the first OM, and suggested she meet him at the bar he was going to be at..
This same friend that stood in our wedding.

I thought of a lot of replies, but ended up saying nothing in return.
I dont know what to say.. I just withdrew from those folks for my own sake...


This Halloween I will be taking my kid over to her moms for trick or treating. I used to be the one to walk her all over the neighborhood.. this time, I dont know who is going to. My neighborhood is not one you'd want to walk your kid around in for trick or treating. (another perk to having to find a place fast)
I used to love Halloween, and decorated the house more than anyone in the neighborhood, often got compliments on things..

fk.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My ex h cheated on me several times. One of the girls he slept with or had a full emotional/physical affair with moved in just 3 days after I left. Now she can't understand why he cheats on her.LOL 

I personally did not have any troubles moving on. I knew he was cheating and emotionally disconnected myself long before I left that marriage. I learned a big lesson and recognized the red flags with future dates. I did find a really fabulous man about 5 years later. We are happily married for over 12 years now.

Hang in there. It will get better. Your ex is not worth your time or thoughts.


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## Nsweet

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Hang in there. It will get better. Your ex is not worth your time or thoughts.


I disagree. 

I love thinking about my ex wife. She gave me enough motivation to not take her back and see that I can do SOOOOO much better. It's like getting rid of a POS car you wasted thousands of dollars on and still had to push home every night after work. Sure it sucks walking, but you're not stressed out over it:rofl: 

Thinking about my ex used to piss me off and make me feel horrible, but now I'm glad I do. Whenever I meet a nice young woman who likes me for me, and that throws me off a little.... I think about my ex and realize "I'M FREE!". I can talk about my ex without feeling upset because I know I'm a good man she gave up on and that makes me feel AWESOME!


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