# Sexual Understanding



## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I have what may be concidered a strange question, but I will ask it anyway:

How do I get my partner to STOP concentrating on my orgasm so much? 

We have a wonderful sex life and he is very enjoyable to be with, however at times he seems to be so focused on making sure I have an orgasm that it seems to overshadow the experience. We are very open with one another and have talked about this on several occasions. I am just wondering if there is some way that I can explain things that will make more sense than I have tried so far. I have tried to explain to him that the sexual experience is extremely satisfying to me with or without orgasm. He says he is trying to have a better understanding of this but still feels that the priority for him is to make sure I have at least one and that it is as fantastic as possible every time. He actually gets irritated (with himself) if I don't.

What can I do to help him to relax and not focus on this so much?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I don't know. But when you find out can you post it here so I can see if that solution will work for me. 

I think he and I are related. I generally feel selfish/incompetent when this happens. My wife has told me exactly, word for word the same things that you told him. I actually believe her but - but - I still feel selfish/incompetent.... when this happens. 






lostluv said:


> I have what may be concidered a strange question, but I will ask it anyway:
> 
> How do I get my partner to STOP concentrating on my orgasm so much?
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL - I have zero fear of wife looking for someone else who can get her over the finish line more frequently then me. There are just some nights that she says she simply cannot get there no matter what. 

Wife believes if she commits infidelity she will go to hell when she dies. And she has told me that if I cheat on her - regardless of whether my final destination is heaven or hell, she will send me there promptly. 








michzz said:


> I think it distresses him that you can take it or leave it when it comes to climaxing. And further, that it reflects on him as a lover.
> 
> And even further, that if he stops worrying about it, even as you say that is what yo want, that you will then decide to find someone else who can make you climax.
> 
> It's not as simple as you think it is.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Wife believes if she commits infidelity she will go to hell when she dies. And she has told me that if I cheat on her - regardless of whether my final destination is heaven or hell, she will send me there promptly.


Are you married to my wife? Because I think she has uttered those same words to me


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL 

Here is the cool thing about my wife. While she utters and fully believes in her terroristic threats regarding infidelity:

She absolutely believes that it is her job to make our sex life fantastic - my ONLY complaint is I don't think it is as fantastic for HER as it is for me and that bums me out. 




revitalizedhusband said:


> Are you married to my wife? Because I think she has uttered those same words to me


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i told you women are never happy, sheesh


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Crazy enough as a man but I started having trouble having an orgasium recently. The way we both came to grips about this was to focus on the lovemaking and just enjoying each other. Ok, she get's off like a rocket the whole time but now we don't worry about me so much and sure enough, it comes out all OK in the end. Sometimes I am a "two in 30 minutes" or none for 2 days. But we took the focus off this and now it is all OK.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

From a woman's perspective, I had the same problem and told my husband not to worry about it, that I loved making love to him whether I orgasm or not. Unfortunately it now swings too far the other way, now he doesn't seem concerned at all if I like it or not, he just finishes up and that's that. I haven't had an orgasm in at least 8 months or so. I still love to have sex with him but it would sure be nice to have an orgasm.

So maybe let it be? I don't know, I'm sure it depends on the guy.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

8 months? You need to speak up.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

LOL. I would but we're working on other marital issues right now so it's been the bottom of my priority list. Hey, maybe it will help. But I'm taking it one thing at a time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As a man - I am sure I see this differently. If it requires "effort" for you to get him to "fix" this, then you have a severe relationship issue. Sorry - but it is understoond that you will have the occassional night that you can't get there no matter what he does. But he should always try to get you there, should ask if you did, should work to get you there FIRST. This level of indifference/apathy to YOUR needs has to be addressed. 

Is it possible he just doesn't realize this is what is happening? Or does he know but not seem to mind? 






mae said:


> LOL. I would but we're working on other marital issues right now so it's been the bottom of my priority list. Hey, maybe it will help. But I'm taking it one thing at a time.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ask him if he'd prefer that you fake it so you can get him off your back. If he would not prefer that (and I'm guessing that will be the case) he has an opportunity to love you just the way you are, and to stop placing ridiculous demands on himself and you. 

Further, you could also hold him to the standard he's holding himself to -- ask him if he'd prefer that you hold him respondible for your orgasm and if he'd like it if you too got upset with him if you didn't orgasm. My guess he wouldn't like that either.

So, he can accept how things are and learn to be happy with them and stop trying to be a mechanical lover and learn something about intimacy (it is about how you relate) or he can continue and eventually wreck your sex life.


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## Raiven (Sep 14, 2009)

my hubby is the same way. 

women love to feel close to their man. we want to feel loved, protected and attractive. it's not the orgasm that gives us this feeling, it's the ACT. plus, sex feels awesome for girls, the orgasm is just and end to it. 

i forgot where i was going with that but men grow up thinking the epitome of their manliness is who can give their woman the most, best, orgasms. i hang out with a lot of guys, always have. when they talk about it passively, they seem to boost their egos by telling how many orgasms they give women, how long they last, etc. so many of these tales are lies, but it still gets to men if they aren't living up to this "sexual studliness". it's hard to get this out of their heads after they have grown up with it and hear it everywhere. 

plus porn doesn't help. those women (most are acting) writhing around screaming and moaning looking like they are having an orgasm every minute make guys think if their women aren't doing that, something is wrong with them as male lovers. 

by the way, i am a female, this is all from reading, personal experiences, friendships, and talking to guys. i'm not an expert, this is not true for ALL guys, sorry if i offended anyone.

i'm also having the same problem. i hardly ever have orgasms. infact, i've only had, maybe, 7 vaginal orgasms my whole life. it really bums my hubby out, no matter what i say to him i can see it in his actions. he has less and less sex with me because he doesn't want to feel like a failure. 

now i know why women fake orgasms...



-R-


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

He may be the kind of man that thrives on being able to give you an O. My college boyfriend was like this. It ended up after 3 years, giving me a complex about having the O, I felt pressured to have it. BUT, I also was having trouble having the O with him bc there were other issues that became clearer after we moved in together (we were talking about marriage)... he liked to spend any money that he earned on stuff like golfing and fishing equipment... and never went golfing nor fishing! But, if it came to dinner out with my parents... he never offered to pay, not even once! So, there was other stuff going on turning me off from him and maybe he picked up on that in the bedroom and it made him want me to O even more. I broke it off for the other reasons (and another I did not mention). 

Are you sure there is nothing else inhibiting your ability to O? Is there something outside the bedroom that is bugging you or have you hit a slow to O spell? I guess what I am trying to say is if he is picking up on any negative/irritated feelings from you, his reaction may be to increase his drive to give you an O, in an attempt to reassure himself that you 2 are ok. 

I would be careful "fixing" this as he may end up going the other way (as mentioned in other posts), which will be ultimately MORE frustrating for you. Just enjoy the sex and you can make all the noises you need to even if you dont have an O... he obviously needs to see you enjoying it. 

Do what women used to do... fake it till you make it! Especially since you stated that you enjoy sex with him. Bottom line, and I know you dont want to hear this: dont "fix" this.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Raiven said:


> now i know why women fake orgasms...
> 
> 
> 
> -R-


:smthumbup: YUP!! Not that I have, but my husband isnt as focused on mine unless I state that I want to have one (and for a brief time he was, and it really made sex dull bc he seemed to be not into it the longer it took me, but it was probably me feeling badly that it was taking sooo long). If he were in need to see that every time... you bet I would fake it! He is all man, oozing of sex appeal, and I want him to feel that way when he has sex with me, so that he can go about his daily life knowing what a manly man he is!


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

Choose2love,

Thank you, and everyone else for your insight.

There are no outside factors that I am aware of. I have always been "slow to O", in fact I find it easier with him than I ever have anyone else. We have talked about this and he says he understands this but he still wants to "do his best". 

In response to faking it, I could never do that. He has brought that up and has asked me never to do so. Doing so would potentially break his trust in me and could cause damage to our relationship, something I don't want to chance.


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## What? (Sep 27, 2009)

Same situation here until...
READ THIS BOOK: His Needs, Her Needs by Harley
Read chapter 4.
Trust me.
Bottom line, guys reach orgasm so easily and fly through 'arousal' and 'plateau' (the good kind), then jump into 'climax' - they also tend to speed through 'afterglow'
My H and I read this together and he learned that a woman can be totally totally satisfied in 'plateau' like forever. And to trump him, go ahead and tell him that that plateau can last for hours! When my H understood this he seemed to instantly switch from focusing on orgasm to focusing how long he could keep me in plateau. yep, a good change for sure.


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## cliffy (Jan 14, 2010)

Your boy friend is a good guy by wanting to satisfy you, even got resented when you've not reach orgasm, you know women don't get satisfied unless they reach orgasm, the fact is that you have to really let him know that you're ok with that by assuring/promising with seriousness for him to know you meant what you're saying.

Your Ideal Guy Or Lady


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