# Dealing with rejection when the WS chooses the other person?



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the rejection. My husband and I were together since freshman year of high school and he has chosen someone else. I'm destroyed and although I'm putting on a brave face for my 3 year old, I still have moments that I break down and cannot fathom what he is doing and choosing. How do you cope?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You have to claw, scrape and muddle your way through to the end.... just keep breathing and keep moving forward. Nothing else you can do, except get yourself some counseling.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

What have you done to end your WH affair?


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Basically given him every opportunity to end it himself. I don't think there's anything that I can do to end it. That has to be something he chooses for himself. But I was completely willing to work on our issues that led up to the affair and reconcile. He was working on the reconciliation on the surface, but still seeing her as well, trying to "sort out his feelings for her." That's when I drew the line and said I refused to be the second choice.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Aqua i feel really sorry for you, our prayers are with you. we know the pain you feel now.
Take it as an oppurtunity to find strength in yourself. Your husband will pay dearly for his wrong choice, because only a low life women can mess around with a a married men.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the best revenge is to demonstrate to a WS that you are just fine without them


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I told him last week that I thought it would be best for us not to see each other at all. When we drop off/pick up our daughter, we will do it at our parents' homes. I told him it was clear he had moved on and it was only fair that I be given the chance to do the same now.

The real reason I can't see him is because it rips me from top to bottom EVERY single time I see him now. No way will I tell him that, though. If I have it my way, he'll never see me cry again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> I told him last week that I thought it would be best for us not to see each other at all. When we drop off/pick up our daughter, we will do it at our parents' homes. I told him it was clear he had moved on and it was only fair that I be given the chance to do the same now.
> 
> The real reason I can't see him is because it rips me from top to bottom EVERY single time I see him now. No way will I tell him that, though. If I have it my way, he'll never see me cry again.


truly the best way to handle it, for your sake alone

I know you will have difficulty seeing it now but there will be a day when you say to yourself, "What did I ever see in that man? I'm so much happier without him."



My advice is to stay busy and get out as much as you can (I know it can be difficult being preggers), rely on family and friends. Do what doctor/ob-gyn recommended exercising you can do as well, being fit physically really helps you stay fit mentally.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Remember that the choice a spouse makes in another man or woman has little bearing on you and how good a person you are. There are so many stories on TAM of spouses that chose obviously flawed and/or less attractive people for their affair partners. The weakness is your husband's...not yours.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the best revenge is to demonstrate to a WS that you are just fine without them


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I can vouch to the veracity of this.

A year and half after my divorce was finalized, my ex-wife had an emotional meltdown soon after she found that I had another woman in my life. I never meant to hurt her and certainly didn't wish anything bad to happen to her, but she tried to reconnect with me and I had no choice but to be truthful with her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let him go. You are doing the right thing.
Rejection sucks. No matter how you slice it. Just remember, this is about HIM, not you. He is the one who chose to step out and he is the one who wants to terminate your marriage by not ending it with this affair partner.
Keep your head up and held high.

Everyone on here is right. The wayward cannot at all stand when the left behind spouse is living and thriving. My exH got so pissed when I told him to move up the divorce date, I asked what was taking so long. He was furious and told me he would drag it out for as long as possible (he is the one who filed). You can make sense out of crazy! LOL.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Thanks for the advice everyone. I know there's no escaping the hurt because it is what it is. It's just hard to not let it affect your self-esteem and confidence when you've been replaced. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...actually, I do wish this on him. Let's see how he deals with it!


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I am with ya with the rejection and self-esteem. The venom my stbxw has spit literally breaks my soul. Sitting across from someone, saying things to you that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy.... Just can not help, but let some of it effect you. 

I will fight through this, I will make my mind right, but I will not let it define me. We will just wallow for a while until we are tired of hearing the sound of our thoughts and feeling the tears on our face. We will get bored with our sadness and become happy again.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> I told him last week that I thought it would be best for us not to see each other at all. When we drop off/pick up our daughter, we will do it at our parents' homes.


My arrangement was something like that, although it wasn't something we talked about in advance, it just kind of happened that way. Worked fine and kept everyone calm.



aqua123 said:


> The real reason I can't see him is because it rips me from top to bottom EVERY single time I see him now. No way will I tell him that, though. If I have it my way, he'll never see me cry again.


It wouldn't have ripped me up to see her, but it definitely would have given me a twinge. Not anymore though. It didn't take long, just a few weeks and I hardly think of her at all anymore. For me, once the nogoodnik was no longer in my personal space, my brain could finally see how much better off I was.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I sure hope you're right, Traggy. I've been trying so hard NOT to think about it, that it sneaks up on me and the grief hits me like a ton of bricks. I've even started having panic attacks when I see STBXH. That's one of the reasons I just can't be around him anymore. I know I have to find some way to get over these feelings, because we'll forever be in each others' lives.....right now, it just seems impossible to see him and not have a very real, physical reaction to it.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

aqua123 said:


> I sure hope you're right, Traggy. I've been trying so hard NOT to think about it, that it sneaks up on me and the grief hits me like a ton of bricks. I've even started having panic attacks when I see STBXH. That's one of the reasons I just can't be around him anymore. I know I have to find some way to get over these feelings, because we'll forever be in each others' lives.....right now, it just seems impossible to see him and not have a very real, physical reaction to it.


I agree, there is a physical reaction. I get panic attacks right before my H gets home from work. Sometimes I actually get sick. That's what happens to some people when they are emotionally upset, and their betrayer is about to come onto the scene.

Just think of it this way. Your emotions are out of balance. And that is to be expected. I am crushed. But I know that is just me responding to what someone else has done. My reaction is the only thing I can control. So I remember the story of the 2 rape victims:

The first woman was destroyed, spent years in therapy and was never able to form a healthy relationship with a man. 

The second woman was also brutally attacked in her home, but when she told the story, her only thought was to turn her body--so her 2 year old would not see. She was so thankful that her child was spared in the attack (both her and her husband were tied up) 

The moral of this awful story is that BOTH women suffered the same trauma, but the one who made it out (emotionally) was the one that had something to be grateful for.

This story helped me a lot, I hope this message finds you well.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am so sorry you are here. But, I have been in your shoe. My advise is to really let him go. Don't ever show that he is getting to you emotionally. Work on yourself and you will understand that this too will pass and you will be better off. Surprisingly, if he is like my STBXW. He may wake up and realize what a fool he has been and want to reconcile. You will have to decide what to do then. I personally could not continue in the relationship.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It feels like you can not breathe, the pain choking you at the loss of that person who loved you, staring in your eyes and lying to you, the loss of the person who was so, so, close. 
The loss of our dreams. 
The loss of a life not yet lived.

How could they? Why would they? What is wrong with me..

Thoughts that roll around your head eating your soul. scratching and clawing at the person you are.

Anger and pain that this person you gave yourself too, with all your heart could so easily rip it away and say they love or are in love with another. Or worse that they needed a break and it meant so little.

And then. One day you see them for what they are. You see the person you were with through the eyes of a stranger and you are appealed that you could not see before. You see your faults and your pain that was held inside, for so long. This hurts.

They can not understand why you don't want to see them, they can not understand your cold eyes, they can not understand your need for space and then the circle is complete. 
They asked for this, they demanded this, from us, they believed we would love them forever. The cold eyes and space and privacy belong to us. And it is over.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Aqua sorry you are here I agree with what has already been said he is in fantasy 
Land and sooner or later a loud popping sign will be heard anyway take care of yourself 
And child and hold your head up high this is his deal 
Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Most betrayed spouses here have found it helpful to see their family doctor for some meds to level out the roughest spots. Counseling also helps if you can afford it. Good luck and prayers.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry you are in this situation, aqua123.

Rejection by the spouse is very hurting.

In my opinion, the key to solve the issue:

Look, it is the knowledge of rejection is causing you the trouble. He rejected you long before you knew. That is, when the rejection (affair) was happening, you did not know. Can you now see that it is the knowledge of rejection, humiliation that is creating emotional outburst?

Ok. It is therefore only the knowledge that can heal this. What is that knowledge? *He chose to reject you. Not you. You were faithful. Not he. Understand this.*
Once you allow this knowledge to set in, you will be on the road to recovery.

This knowledge will give you power to stay. To survive the destruction he caused.


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