# Sitting on the edge



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

If you read some of my posts in other parts of the forum you'll see that I'm dealing with a big situation. What's making this worse is this: I've had anxiety/panic problems since my mid-twenties. I take medicine for it and it's helped. I was in the process of weening myself off the medicine when I caught my wife.

The anxiety is worse in that it doesn't come in one full-blow panic attack. I start off the day just fine, my wife and I waking up together and getting ready for work. Then my day in dealing with happy people, kids and adults, having to be social and putting on a smile is taking it's tole on me. By the end of the day I'm feeling absolutely horrible, I go home and I know I have to wait a few hours before my wife gets home. Then I have to deal with the possible drama of my mother-in-law pushing my wife's buttons to a point where she explodes (Something she's gotten good at doing)...I find myself at a point where I want to take my medicine earlier in the day just to 'shut off' and I feel better...not something I wanted to happen. I wanted to medicine to be gone from my life...now I can't imagine not having it.

Last night, after an attempt at intimacy with my wife failed and she felt guilty for not complying then I felt guilty for trying and the deadly cycle kills both of us...I was literally shaking. I took my wife to the living room and tried to hide the shakes long enough to get her talking about something...I then excused myself for a minute, took my meds, went back and about 30 minutes later all I wanted to do was sleep but felt I had to stay there until my wife was 'comfortable' leaving the situation the way it was.

I fell asleep for about 30 minutes today, catching up on some much needed sleep only to have dreams about being with another woman...and found myself sick to my stomach. I don't know why but I woke up in a sweat and thought I violate myself, if that makes sense. I don't want to be with another woman, no other woman knows me better than my wife. For the first time in my life I realize what little time we have on this planet and how much we should make the best of the time we do have.


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## OrangeDawn (Jun 15, 2010)

I just joined here today, and while I haven't been in your exact situation, I just wanted to tell you that in a way, I know where you are. I know the feeling of faking through the day only to collapse at home. I know the feeling of shaking uncontrollably. I know the feeling of being betrayed by your dreams. Sometimes it makes me feel better just to know I'm not the only one. It may not feel like it, but better days are coming.


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