# Question - Wife with Kids



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Halfway through a 6 month trial separation. My wife and I are getting along better, and I’m starting to become a bit more hopeful.

My question is how to handle complaints or issues that I hear about my wife through my kids.

A big part of our problem was my wife’s “addiction” to her laptop and iPhone. She has finally started keeping the iPhone in the purse when we are spending time together. 

Yesterday, my 10 year old daughter complained that ALL Mommy does is text and play on her phone.

My daughter – as most 10 year olds do – exaggerates.

Do I let this go since my wife is doing better around me? Do I simply ask my wife about it?

As for now, I encouraged my daughter to “calmly” tell her mother that she is feeling ignored.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It was good to work with your daughter in regard to her handling those feelings herself. Calmly telling her mom she is feeling ignored sounds like a great way for her to communicate her feelings. I wouldn't ask your wife about it though as it could be that your daughter is exaggerating, and it will just cause bad feelings between the two of you, or that it's true, but it will still cause bad feelings between the two of you. 

Continue working with your daughter to help her gain coping skills with this. It sounds sad that mom is too wrapped up in these things to give attention to her children, but it can also be a good practice for your daughter in working on interpersonal relationships.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: In this instance, your daughter is talking to you about the relationship between her and her mother (not her mother and her father). Thus, it is wise to give her to the tools to speak to her mom to say that she is feeling XYZ.

I recommend the WTFS method: 

"When you....
I Think....
I Feel.....
So I'd like to request that you..."

This way your daughter is expressing her thoughts and feelings when her mom does a certain behavior, and she's also making a request that would fix the situation. 

I would also use this as a chance to possibly indicate what is healthy and is not, and possibly to address that her mom is free to say yes or no and that the daughter can not "make" her (the mom) do something. How can your daughter handle it if she makes a request and mom says no? So maybe role play a few options and let her practice a little. 

BTW, yes it SUX that your daughter who is a child has to be the one to speak to her mom, who should be more mature. But as her father you can give your daughter tools so she can stay healthy and still have a relationship with her mom (even if you don't).


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