# Sex addict trying to save marriage...HELP ASAP



## cantnwont (Sep 30, 2011)

hello, i have posted on here before and am need of some help asap !! I have read some posts dealing with sex addiction and believe i am one, the progression of things, always needing something more...anyway, i read a post that sounded just like me and he reache dout b-4 anything physical actually happened, me i have just learned what my obsession is, am going to goto counseling to seek professional help, in meantime i'm trying to talk to my ls and its not going well, she tells me i'm the one who broke our marraige and its upto me to fix it, why should she have to do anything, ect and i tried explaining for her, to realize it wasnt her, she is good, she didnt fail, ect it wasnt that she wasnt good enough, i wasnt trying to find better, i do love her and i am sorry im trying im reaching out to find answers and help, she is stuck on i chose ***** over her and she has the right to feel that way, i just dont know how to help her with her pain .....need help asap 
if theres any couples out there who have dealt with this and have overcome it or on the road to recovering their marriage please respond, i love my wife very much and i just want her to be better to not feel it was anything she was lacking


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

firstly I'd like you to know that I am not the offender...my H had and EA/PA and porn addiction over the last 7 years of our marriage....He also says he want's to work it out...H is going to counceling,church and we are going to start a recovery program at Affairrecover.com. You may want to check the site out and let your wife look at it as well....
She is angry at you and does not want to look at herself....I know how she feels...I fee that way too sometimes...but in the end...we all take part in our marriage and add to the failings of it conciously or not....the way to fix a marriage is to look at each of our shortcomings....you may have to give her a little time to take it all in.....
When I found out about the porn 4 years ago...I was like your wife...exactly....thought he was the problem and in many instances he was...but I also had a problem...I didn't know how to handle the situation...we stayed married miserably for the next 3 years....until my H had a full blown EA/PA, and I am not sure it's the only one really....but we are willing now to do something about it.....I feel for your wife and understand....us women are very emotional......I hope she doesn't make the same mistake I did...anyway check the site out...it may help


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## cantnwont (Sep 30, 2011)

thanks so much for your response, my wife is trying to find some way of closure with the pa, i suggested the nc letter but thats as far as we got, do you have any suggestions for that, she says she wants to move forward and help but is stuck on the op....i wish yas luck


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Here is a link to a posting another person on this site gave which is for you

http://media.affairrecovery.com.s3.amazonaws.com/docs/31reasons.pdf


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

who had the affair....? You or her? Sounded like you....the NC letter is good....she needs to read from the site I suggested she neeeds to know she is not alone....if she wants I could have private contact with her through the private message part of this sight but she would have to join I will not contact her through you....I just found out about my H affair a month ago....so all I can do is help with what I know.....and reaching out and supporting eachother is a way...no matter where in the road to recovery we are...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am the wife of a sex addict. Have you looked into a twelve step program? I'm not too sure exactly what your question is here - you seem to be asking what your wife should be doing about your sex addiction.

There's two - maybe even three - separate issues here. 
1) Your addiction. That is yours and yours alone to deal with. Your wife has to deal with any co-dependence issues she may have, but that is hers to deal with. She may find S-Anon helpful - I didn't because I don't have much in the way of co-dependent issues myself.
2) The fact your marriage is not too healthy. This must be worked on together by the two of you. I cannot suggest strongly enough that marriage counseling is worth a shot here. It takes two people to make a marriage and for it to overcome difficulties, no matter what they are, the two people have to work together. 
3) The fact it sounds like you cheated. Again, this one is ALL on you. Sorry. You made that choice, now you need to do everything you can to fix it. Your wife has to heal from what you did with your help - she's been wounded deeply, and if you want to remain with her you have to do everything right. It still may not be enough though. I needed my husband to be completely transparent, to tell me over and over he is sorry, to answer all my questions and not hold anything back, to completely sever contact with the other women, give me all his passwords, delete himself from facebook and all the adult sites he was on, go to MC, IC and SAA. If he wasn't willing to do even one of those things I wouldn't be with him.


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