# Women, stress, and orgasms



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm asking this question to the ladies because I'm not really sure it affect men as much, but men can chime in if their wives/partners have the same issues.

I'm in my mid 40's, and I have noticed that when I am under a lot of stress, I have difficulty reaching an orgasm, and many times it's impossible, and I just give up. My SO seems ok with it, and he'll be like "why don't you get your toy", and yeah, that's ok, but when it's like two or three times in a row, I'm like, "but I don't want my toy". I'm totally into it, feel the pleasure etc. but I just reach a plateau, and can't get to the other side, it's really frustrating.

My main problem is my ability to not be able to just shut off, my mind will wander, and I need help in helping me shut off the stressors in my life, I am a natural worrier, I worry about my kids, work etc. Normal things that people worry about. 

I'm hoping things change as I just got a new job after finishing a contract a few months ago, and I'm thinking that has had a lot to do with my stress as a single mom.

Any tips?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Good question. I usually just give up. I'd like to know too!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

the only thing that works for me is making up sexual fantasies in my head while focusing on how my body feels.The minute my mind wanders to what happened that day or drama w/family,etc..a simple fantasy scenario will snap me back to the now.

it takes practice though.You might want to try it first while you're masturbating then once you get the hang of shutting out the world,try it while you're with SO.

The more frustrated you let yourself get the less likely it will happen. breathe dear and have fun!  Remember sex is supposed to be the least stressful part of your whole day.It's also THE best stress reliever


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Other things I do when the mind is cl*t blocking me:
-focus on running my hands over DH's shoulders and really feeling his skin,the muscles,and concentrating on how that makes me feel.
-open your eyes! Look at his body and focus on why it turns you on and focus on how his hands look while he's touching you.
-encourage him to talk dirty to you.Hearing his voice in low tones saying sexy naughty things will snap you back to where you need to be for sure!


ETA- some brief meditation before sex will help you focus also.Not the Ohm kind...but the fantasy kind.Imagine in your mind how it will feel when he touches you and kisses you.Anytime other thoughts creep in you HAVE to push them out by taking that imagination scene further.Make it a more intense scene if you still feel other thoughts coming in.Instead of imagining his touch and his kisses,imagine how it will feel when he's rubbing your cl*t or your gspot.Imagine how it feels the first time he pushes into you...awesome!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I guess sometimes I feel like I am somehow letting my SO down, even though it doesn't happen all the time, and he gives me the best orgasms, and he knows it. I've told him that I'm in charge of my orgasms, and that he can only do so much to get me there, the rest is on me. I'm super open about sex, and we have conversations about what I like etc.

It's funny that when I'm masturbating, I can shut off a bit better, only because it doesn't matter how long it takes me...I'm in charge of it...lol. I feel bad that he works so hard sometimes.

Occasionally I'll smoke some "nice tobacco", and I shut off completely, and have several orgasms from PIV, and oral, but again I don't want my SO to think that I need that to cum. He understands completely he says, and he'll never say anything, because when I'm shut off, it's great.

Why the hell is an orgasm so mental? grrrrr


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

[email protected] working together...I maintain that weed orgasms are the best orgasms EVAR.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I always orgasm one way or another but if I want to have that all encompassing one I have to really be in the moment. Doesn't happen often  

I know the frustration. Luckily my H is so warn out by the time I give up he usually is more relieved than disappointed. Lol


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> [email protected] working together...I maintain that weed orgasms are the best orgasms EVAR.


Huh. Hmmmmm...


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Other things I do when the mind is cl*t blocking me:
> -focus on running my hands over DH's shoulders and really feeling his skin,the muscles,and concentrating on how that makes me feel.
> -open your eyes! Look at his body and focus on why it turns you on and focus on how his hands look while he's touching you.
> -encourage him to talk dirty to you.Hearing his voice in low tones saying sexy naughty things will snap you back to where you need to be for sure!
> ...


You are totally right about the fantasy thing. When I'm not worrying (lol), I'll have these crazy all day fantasies about him, I set up sexy scenes in my head, but that's not all the time, like I said, I stress sometimes. I also have learned in my 40's to really focus on the feeling of being touched, kissed, really feeling the whole sexual experience, and not focusing on the ending, and whoa, it does make a difference.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> [email protected] working together...I maintain that weed orgasms are the best orgasms EVAR.


Oh yeah, it get's me there every time, and more.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

tracyishere said:


> I always orgasm one way or another but if I want to have that all encompassing one I have to really be in the moment. Doesn't happen often
> 
> I know the frustration. Luckily my H is so warn out by the time I give up he usually is more relieved than disappointed. Lol


lol, that's funny, I guess I can make my SO work a bit longer at it, he's always saying "don't worry I love doing what I'm doing".


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Dh refuses to give up. He'll redirect for a bit then go back and try again.That was a huge obstacle for me to overcome and I think it's a reason why many ladies don't ever make it to the O.We're too nice! We don't want him working so hard to please us and we'd rather focus on getting him to O bc we think we take too long. 
Once I got over feeling selfish about wanting to O and once I realized Dh lives to please me it became easy to O.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> [email protected] working together...I maintain that weed orgasms are the best orgasms EVAR.


I hate the stuff but recently had a bong hit and we had sex later that night. I don't remember much except my husband throwing a pillow over my head and me laughing my ass off. Of course I'd been drinking too soooo, yeah there's that!

I had to learn to de-tress TO have sex and then learned to use sex in order to de-stresses. The more stressed I am, the more I want sex.

You say you can't let your mind go and you worry over everything. That's the fundamental issue. Focus your mind on sex and nothing else. Run mind images filled with porn images. I have a few images in my mind that almost always do the trick.

It's not really letting to of the stress but focusing on one thing ........SEX!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Working,
From one worrier to another: Consume between 1.5 and 2.5 'servings' of alcohol on an empty stomach before having sex. 

This will quiet the background chorus of anxiety which is blocking orgasm. 

Even better: 30 minutes of hard cardio exercise plus the alcohol 





working_together said:


> I'm asking this question to the ladies because I'm not really sure it affect men as much, but men can chime in if their wives/partners have the same issues.
> 
> I'm in my mid 40's, and I have noticed that when I am under a lot of stress, I have difficulty reaching an orgasm, and many times it's impossible, and I just give up. My SO seems ok with it, and he'll be like "why don't you get your toy", and yeah, that's ok, but when it's like two or three times in a row, I'm like, "but I don't want my toy". I'm totally into it, feel the pleasure etc. but I just reach a plateau, and can't get to the other side, it's really frustrating.
> 
> ...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

oh no! LOL weed+alcohol=silly bad! 

I started smoking to control pain from IBS and realized by accident the sex benefits


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

If I know ahead of time that I'm too stressed to orgasm then I'll ask for lots of extra slow, non-intense foreplay to get in the mood. I'll tell him I just want to cuddle naked and talk first, then ask him for a massage (a face/head massage is very effective) then move on to gentle kissing, then me touching his body, maybe some oral on him. It requires more time, yes, but I almost always can get there this way. 

Glass of wine can get relax me and put me in the mood even faster, but since I have to be up at 5:30, I usually don't go that route unless it's the weekend. 

If, after things have already started, I realize that orgasm is going to be difficult, I'll use some of my sure fire, go-to fantasies. I have found that it helps me relax a bit to TELL my husband that I'm having a hard time. That seems to take some of the self-imposed "hurry up" pressure off of me because I don't feel like he's wondering when I'm going to get there already. 

Luckily, my husband loves giving me orgasms and doesn't take it personally when I'm having a hard time--he just pulls out all the stops and works like a champ till the job is done!

Really, letting go of the "guilt" when it's taking "too long" will go a long way in helping you relax. Easier said than done, I know, but a worthy thing to work on!


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Stress has been a major problem for our sex life. Back in the day it made me withdraw, it was almost impossible for me to relax. 

Over the years H and I have learned to control stress levels as much as we can. No over committing, no financial disagreements, no procrastinating, no silent worrying. We tackle problems together immediately. I write down anything that I'm worried about before going to bed. Consistent exercise is a must. A hot bath or shower before bed also helps. 

If there is something that I'm worrying about that can't be fixed like a sick child, I know that an O is probably not in my future and that's ok as long as I know the situation is temporary.

Sex for H is a stress reliever, so we are complete opposites in this area. He wants more, I want less.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

One thing that has worked for me, which reminds me I should practise more often, is having my h hold his hands over my ears and closing my eyes. This forces me to rely on my other senses and intensifies them. 

Hmmmmmmm


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Satya said:


> I recommend learning sensual massage and performing it on each other. It's VERY stress relieving and good for bonding.


I like this idea, while my SO does give me massages, he's not very good at it...lol. He doesn't make it very sensual really, it feels more like a professional one. I'll have to bring that up in a nice way.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

tracyishere said:


> One thing that has worked for me, which reminds me I should practise more often, is having my h hold his hands over my ears and closing my eyes. This forces me to rely on my other senses and intensifies them.
> 
> Hmmmmmmm


Sounds good, but I'm imagining it might remind me of my kids when they're being brats.:rofl:


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

working_together said:


> Sounds good, but I'm imagining it might remind me of my kids when they're being brats.:rofl:


Ah hah! But really it does wonders! Ear plugs would work just the same! 

I find also if I am too much involved in imaginary play I start losing my sensations. It's like all my energy goes into my thoughts instead of my body. I really need to have my senses aroused to make me satisfied. Therefore I try to avoid that as best as I can. Instead I grab his ass or arms and bring myself back into him. Or stop and start over with the passionate kissing and foreplay to arouse me again.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

When my wife is super stressed, she usually has difficulty reaching orgasm. At times like this, I have her cover her eyes so she isn't looking around and being distracted in any way. It also helps to turn on some music to make love to and keep her mind occupied.

Lastly, and maybe most importantly, when she is tense and trying hard to orgasm, her body is tense, and not relaxed. When I reminder her to breath...she does....and a strong orgasm usually follows. Breathing helps her relax and let go.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> When my wife is super stressed, she usually has difficulty reaching orgasm. At times like this, I have her cover her eyes so she isn't looking around and being distracted in any way. It also helps to turn on some music to make love to and keep her mind occupied.
> 
> Lastly, and maybe most importantly, when she is tense and trying hard to orgasm, her body is tense, and not relaxed. When I reminder her to breath...she does....and a strong orgasm usually follows. Breathing helps her relax and let go.


I like that breathing idea...DANKE


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

When I'm stressed or worried, I'm not interested in sex, period.

Better to deal with the cause rather than the symptom, OP. Perhaps journal what's worrying you, relax in a warm, bubble bath, then try some meditation or Box Breathing Techniques (http://www.livestrong.com/article/74944-box-breathing-technique/) before going to bed?


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