# the usual feeling of emptiness and sadness



## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Hello everyone and "Happy" Thanksgiving. I truly hope that at least some of you are happy on this day.
This post will be all over the place because I am trying to get out all my thoughts so I apologize in advance.

My "husband" and I separted on October 13, but things had gone bad way before that, I included a link to my thread if anyone is interested. It has been a roller coaster since then. 
I tell myself it is over because that's what he tells me and I will call or text and he ignores me so I try to be strong and stick to no contact. But I can't and it makes me so angry with myself because I am constantly contacting him. I am trying to stop but I can be so impulsive.

I have contacted an attorney and he is preparing the divorce paperwork and my stbxh knows this. Throughout this whole time he has told me he would like to start over but he isn't ready. He would like to treat me the way I deserve to be treated but yet he goes out on dates with the other woman. I know I shouldnt believe him, I know he is keeping his options open but every time he tells me that he loves me and that we will be together eventually it gives me the tiniest ounce of hope. I can't find the strength within myself to let him go. I am so afraid of being alone, I want to feel loved, I want to know that someone is there who I can always count on. 

I am just feel so sad and empty, I don't know how to handle this anymore.I am aware that I don't need him, there are "many fish in the sea" but how do I get my damn emotions to understand this?! It's like everyday I die a little more inside.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Happy Thanksgiving. IMO you should stop contacting and 180. Hard to do but it is the best thing for you. I read this recently:

Originally Posted by morituri 
Here are some more words of wisdom from another sage (definitely not me):

"Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)

You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.

Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!

1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)

2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."


----------

