# Attractive vs. Attracted



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Segue from thread jack to a thread jack.


It was mentioned by more than one person that someone can be physically attractive but if there is no chemistry or sparks, then there is no attraction. 

What creates sparks needed for you to experience attraction?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Humor, wit and intelligence


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

For me, it's calmness of being (can't explain it much better).


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

What comes to mind is 'getting' one another, which is not equivalent to being agreeable. 
Add in the all-important vibe and presence. 
Then other aspects like character traits, interests and such.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> What comes to mind is 'getting' one another, which is not equivalent to being agreeable.
> Add in the all-important vibe and presence.
> Then other aspects like character traits, interests and such.


Best way I can put it is "When you know, you know"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Feeling as if you have always known them. That they get you and you get them. You gel.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Boobs.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lila said:


> Segue from thread jack to a thread jack.
> 
> 
> It was mentioned by more than one person that someone can be physically attractive but if there is no chemistry or sparks, then there is no attraction.
> ...


You just threadjacked a threadjack… that was taken from another threadjack …?

Whoa… 😳😲🤯


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> Boobs.


Nah, I'm a butt and thigh guy


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> Nah, I'm a butt and tight guy


I can appreciate a nice butt, it's just not my favorite thing. I'm a boob guy, through and through, with a nice figure being number 2.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

GusPolinski said:


> You just threadjacked a threadjack… that was taken from another threadjack …?
> 
> Whoa… 😳😲🤯


INCEPTION!!!!!!!

Right...??


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I like guys who are very intelligent. That catches my attention first. If they have a dry sense of humor, even better. My exH had both plus he was physically attractive. But I initially found him attractive because of his sense of humor and intelligence. Without it, I wouldn’t have given him a chance. And that’s still as true now as it was when I was a teenager.


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## RichardD369 (Oct 24, 2021)

Most things mentioned are superficial. Their looks or their outside persona they act like when first meeting. What creates true chemistry is a couple of things. 

The first is intellectual compatibility. Both you and your future partner need to be of similar intelligence otherwise the conversations will be very boring or one sided. This can kill a relationship if one person is way more intelligent than the other. 

The other and the most important is moral compatibility. I don't mean if you believe in doing horrible things and your partner believes the same you will be together forever. No, it is more of a “practice what you preach” kind of thing. You see, love is involuntary not forced. We can only love people who we feel have our best interest at heart. Even the most depraved among us would agree they want an honest, faithful partner. 

The great part is like seeks like. So if you are an honest, faithful and a morally in line person you will attract people of the same personality, if not then you attract what you are. If you are not so honest and if you are out for yourself you will attract those types of people. These relationships can last a long time but both people are miserable in them. Normally the interactions are tainted by abuse and passive aggressive tones. 

So how do you find a person you will be with forever and love with all your heart and they will love you with all of theirs. Well the first thing is to sort yourself out. Go to therapy if you need, make an effort to not lie, and treat others with respect. Do not put up with hurtful or abusive people, remove them from your life, otherwise you will just keep getting traumatized and you will react the same way you did as a child and that is to lie and obfuscate so you won't get in trouble.

If you make an effort to become a whole healthy person who doesn't need people to validate you, oddly then you will attract another healthy person who wants you for you and not for what you can give them. 

Let me know if this helps with your question.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

We can have our lists of what we find attractive, but attraction is not a choice.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Not for nuthin', but these are great topics.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> We can have our lists of what we find attractive, but attraction is not a choice.


Some of the ones I have been attracted too. Wow


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

There was a female member on another forum I used to post on who would constantly mention how hot her boyfriend was, for like a year straight. Then she posted a picture of them together. I was expecting Justin Beiber or something but this guy looked like he got hit by a bus. It was startling.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Although Batman and I were sharing mutual attraction and rapport through our personalities/voices/accents before we met, our first encounter when we did meet was very brief, yet there was a feeling of being intrigued. We unexpectedly bumped into one another a short time later, which again was a very brief encounter, and the chemistry was undeniable. If that was missing, whatever 'that' is, then I hazard a guess that is where our interactions would have ended. Instead, he initiated casually meeting at a club, and which wasn't a date, and the sparks had us kissing each others faces off. Following, he lined up a lunch date and at the end, we weren't ready to part and he asked if I was cool to run some errands with him and we spent the afternoon hanging out, which then rolled into the evening and dinner together. Aside from physical attraction, we were enjoying being around one another, talking and sharing quite openly, laughing, listening to music and such. There's a consistent pull and desire to be around each other. Granted, we get agitated with one another too, and with moments of tension. Sometimes he can be a right Bruce Wayne. And sometimes I can be a royal PITA. Although these days, we hash those moments out fairly bluntly, openly and effectively.

Surprisingly to me, and not really sure what this says, however years ago after a friend met Batman for the first time, she expressed misalignment between how she imagined my man might look like and who she pictured me with, versus what he actually looks like. Essentially, she assumed I'd go for a bulky football-player type. Whereas Batman resembles Dave Grohl. I didn't ask her to elaborate; just chuckled with confusion and 'say whah?' ...her and her husband became our close friends.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lila said:


> For me, it's calmness of being (can't explain it much better).


Likely because of those past men in your life that were not calm.
Were they anxious and upsetting to you?

Drama belongs on stage, not in our homes, or workplaces.

I agree 100% with this need in a mate.

I guess I would add that this calmness would not extend to lovemaking.

Being romantic and level headed is good.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lila said:


> Segue from thread jack to a thread jack.
> 
> 
> It was mentioned by more than one person that someone can be physically attractive but if there is no chemistry or sparks, then there is no attraction.
> ...


It's subjective. 

I don't know how it happens, I just know it when I see it, and now that I am married, I make a point to avoid it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I was basically part of a subculture and not very mainstream or conventional, so if someone was too mainstream and conventional, I had no interest in them no matter what they looked like. I mean I might have found them humorous at work or gotten along with them just fine, but they didn't have enough core things in common with me. 

People in my subculture were pretty easily identifiable.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> Segue from thread jack to a thread jack.
> 
> 
> It was mentioned by more than one person that someone can be physically attractive but if there is no chemistry or sparks, then there is no attraction.
> ...


To be physically attractive to me, a woman has to have good health, hygiene, have a woman shape and a good smile.

Fitness does raise the physical attraction for me.

Now attraction has a lot of intangibles like humor (I like to laugh and joke), some intelligence (enough to have discussions about different topics), poise, self control, the ability to remain calm and rational in a tense situation, fearlessness, sense of adventure, compassion is a non negotiable, loving children is another non negotiable, playfulness and must love touching me like she owns me.

A woman doesn't have to have all of them but they are what I find attractive.

With all that said, I find many women attractive but I have attraction for a very small number.

When I come across a woman with several of those traits who is also mature (somewhere in my age range usually), I am in danger of falling under her spell.

Kids are cute and it might be fun to have them call you hot but they are still kids.😉


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> Boobs.


Beat me to it. Dammit, I wanted to answer that!

Oh well, I'll just add in "the large natural kind" 

Fake ones look gross.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Intelligence.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Likely because of those past men in your life that were not calm.
> Were they anxious and upsetting to you?
> 
> Drama belongs on stage, not in our homes, or workplaces.
> ...


Something about calm people, men and women, that attracts me to them. But to answer your question, I avoid drama like the plague and always have. 

I feel like I can let my guard down with calm people. It's hard to explain but it feels like I can go take a nap and trust them not to break anything while I'm asleep.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Confidence, giving, intellectual curiosity, common passions or willing to try, fitness-minded, can carry a conversation where it doesn’t feel like I’m talking to myself. Likes to learn/teach herself. Very dependable emotional state. Doesn’t see me solely as a potential resource/provider. Can take the lead and not fight being led themselves.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Lila said:


> Segue from thread jack to a thread jack.
> 
> 
> It was mentioned by more than one person that someone can be physically attractive but if there is no chemistry or sparks, then there is no attraction.
> ...


If chemistry or sparks are missing there is no long term. Physically attractive works well for one and done.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

heartsbeating said:


> What comes to mind is 'getting' one another, which is not equivalent to being agreeable.
> Add in the all-important vibe and presence.
> Then other aspects like character traits, interests and such.


This is pretty much it. I think we all have at one point been physically attracted to someone but then turned off by some deal breaker in their personality. Inverse, there can be a person that you’re not attracted to but as you get to know them, you develop a crush on them. Decades ago there was this coworker who was NOT my type. She was slightly overweight and was just ok in the face. This would be a woman that would go completely unnoticed by me. Talking with her casually at work, I grew to like her. My fondness for her grew to the point that I was actually crushing on her. So even for us men, those other factors can overcome the physical.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

marko polo said:


> If chemistry or sparks are missing there is no long term. Physically attractive works well for one and done.


I can't hide it any longer Marko polo, yet I have to tell you I'm attracted to your profile picture. If only you had used the Matchbox 1/76 scale box top picture of Monty's Caravan instead of the Revell one, I might have fallen in love.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It was my Ws nice ass and boobs, and super great personality that made me to continue to dance with her the most at the club we met at, so many years ago. And she had the shortest short one piece deeply cut top that made me approach her. 

Yes, she would cut in on me dancing with other women that night, kept me interested. I took her and gf home that night, great fun, but after a couple more same encounters with them, we became exclusive after a few weeks. We did have a couple more ffm threesomes starting at dance clubs where I was the meat sandwich on the dance floor, great fun. Now, that was the 80s, money flowed like water I was making great money, plenty of mind altering substances, great fun.

But it was her personality that kept me. She respected the fact that i didn't immediately cancel a months worth of dates i had on the books, that i did stop making dates with other women in person with each, to be respectful and tactful to each.

Pre marriage my W did show up at clubs and concerts when I told her where I would be with other dates, that made it super enjoyable to me I can't deny. She made it a game for me to play grab ass just out of sight of other woman, and make it a point to come up and talk with me in front of my date, good naturedly, in skimpy clothes. Then we became exclusive.

And here we are 38 yrs later happy happy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

shirantha said:


> *How do you become His Secret Obsession? It is when you tap into a man’s most primal, inner desire... he literally becomes obsessed with you.* Free Presentation: Discover His Secret Obsession | Be Irresistible


OH MY GOD!!!!! It's working!!!! I have to have you!!!


Will you marry me!!?????!!????😍


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It was my Ws nice ass and boobs, and super great personality that made me to continue to dance with her the most at the club we met at, so many years ago. And she had the shortest short one piece deeply cut top that made me approach her.
> 
> Yes, she would cut in on me dancing with other women that night, kept me interested. I took her and gf home that night, great fun, but after a couple more same encounters with them, we became exclusive after a few weeks. We did have a couple more ffm threesomes starting at dance clubs where I was the meat sandwich on the dance floor, great fun. Now, that was the 80s, money flowed like water I was making great money, plenty of mind altering substances, great fun.
> 
> ...


You are weirdos! Very interesting romance however.👍


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> You are weirdos! Very interesting romance however.👍


It takes practice!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lila said:


> Something about calm people, men and women, that attracts me to them. But to answer your question, I avoid drama like the plague and always have.
> 
> I feel like I can let my guard down with calm people. It's hard to explain but it feels like I can go take a nap and trust them not to break anything while I'm asleep.


Nice analogy.

Our cat,_ Nemesis_ is like that.

She is our watchdog.

An odd leopard, she is.


_King Brian- _then again, woe to those who cross her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It takes practice!


38 years is impressive. Well done!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Where a man stares is where a man lives.

What a man bares is what a man desires.

Attraction is subtracting everything else in view.



_The Typist-_


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Nice analogy.
> 
> Our cat,_ Nemesis_ is like that.
> 
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


>


I don't know why but cats just make me LoL!!!😂


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Personal said:


> I can't hide it any longer Marko polo, yet I have to tell you I'm attracted to your profile picture. If only you had used the Matchbox 1/76 scale box top picture of Monty's Caravan instead of the Revell one, I might have fallen in love.


A little flattery goes a long way...


Personal said:


> I can't hide it any longer Marko polo, yet I have to tell you I'm attracted to your profile picture. If only you had used the Matchbox 1/76 scale box top picture of Monty's Caravan instead of the Revell one, I might have fallen in love.


Alas it wasn't meant to be...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lila said:


> .....It was mentioned by more than one person that someone can be physically attractive but if there is no chemistry or sparks, then there is no attraction.
> 
> What creates sparks needed for you to experience attraction?


One of the things that no one has discussed is the power of sex. Sexual intercourse is often called making love, for a reason. Specifically, the post-coital release of oxytocine (the bonding or feel good hormone) and cuddling create an emotional bonding situation. Oxytocine can be used to create an artificial feeling of trust. It is what allows nursing mothers to bond emotionally to their babies.

So, can sex with someone attractive, lead to attraction and emotional sparks flying? Absolutely.

Is that enough to sustain "attraction" for a long term relationship or marriage? Probably not. Eventually other incompatibilities will create problems and stress in the marriage that will start to get in the way of a sex-based emotional relationship.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Attractive vs attracted?

Probably the whole package thing. Is she attractive? Ok. Is she all of those other things you may value.....intelligent, witty, caring, empathetic, likes to laugh etc?

Makes me think of one of my favorite Lee Trevino quotes "You may be able to dance with a draw, but you can talk to a fade." That one is for the golfers only. Everyone else is wtf?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

[QUOTE="Middle of Everything, post: 20402372, member: ]That one is for the golfers only. Everyone else is wtf?[/QUOTE]

No  


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

???😶


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Lila said:


> Segue from thread jack to a thread jack.
> 
> 
> It was mentioned by more than one person that someone can be physically attractive but if there is no chemistry or sparks, then there is no attraction.
> ...


The tingle that you feel that says I need to know that person. The chemicals your brain releases-Love Bug! Limmerace. attraction, exileration, and close proximity.then after six months you should know if they are a keeper, but before that you need to decide if you are perfect, friends, lovers, partners; read buck calle F**k love. in 6 or eight month if you are are not headed to be life partners say good bye. They are not for you. Leave and don't look back-do it lovingly. If you stay longer you are wasting each others time. If it is jusr for sex you can do that for yourself. Check out Dr. Laura and Gottman too for reading. We can't live without being loved.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Al_Bundy said:


> We can have our lists of what we find attractive, but attraction is not a choice.


This is it, 100%. 


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think attraction can be a choice. But I find actions attractive. I have rarely in my whole life just looked at someone and found them attractive sexually. Obviously I might think someone is cute but that doesn't mean I even want to kiss them.

I find actions attractive. This has served me well. My husband is a kind man and an honorable man and a handyman. I find kind actions attractive. I find honorable things attractive. I find when he's being handy I want to **** him so hard right there. This means that as he has aged, or gained weight, or lost weight, or wears nice clothes, or wears bum around the house close I still find him attractive and am attracted to him. I never in my life have understood people who are attracted to say an actor. Sometimes I find myself attracted to a character but never the actor.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think attraction can be a choice. But I find actions attractive. I have rarely in my whole life just looked at someone and found them attractive sexually. Obviously I might think someone is cute but that doesn't mean I even want to kiss them.
> 
> I find actions attractive. This has served me well. My husband is a kind man and an honorable man and a handyman. I find kind actions attractive. I find honorable things attractive. I find when he's being handy I want to **** him so hard right there. This means that as he has aged, or gained weight, or lost weight, or wears nice clothes, or wears bum around the house close I still find him attractive and am attracted to him. I never in my life have understood people who are attracted to say an actor. Sometimes I find myself attracted to a character but never the actor.


I actually can get turned on by looks but so much more by actions and character.


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