# Am I being irrational or wrong?



## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

Hello,
I am nearly married to my girlfriend. Out of the blue she had to leave town with her mom to attend and support her mom through a funeral. She has not seen this family in over 13 years. I completely was supportive. A problem with me developed. When she is out of town- I feel like I disappear off the face of the planet. She doesn't call to say hello or barely talks. When she is at home she is completely attentive and always there. I believe the problems started when a few days back, she said that she was so excited to see a guy cousin who was 4 years younger than her. Not a problem. But, that night she didn't call at all. Come to find out the next night - she met up with alot of the people at the funeral and they all went to a bar. For some reason, that makes me extremely uncomfortable. then again- where are they all supposed to meet up for talking - A target?  I simply told her that it bothers me that she doesn't call or doesn't care to call. I also told her that I understand that she is busy. But, you cannot find 15 minutes to talk. It hurts my feelings.
Now- she called me yesterday and is extending the trip to Sunday instead of coming home today as planned. She said that she will not see these folks in ten more years. I understand that and agree. I guess its all the previous stuff adding up and my anger and frustration is starting to make me look like the bad guy here. I'm trying to support her so much. But, it's hard clouded with my frustration and hurt. Guys and gals- am I wrong here? If so, I would like to grow and change for the bettter. Otherwise, I would like to hear any opinions?

Thanks so much,
Joseph


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

There is also one thing that I need to mention. I'm getting more and more frustrated and I'm not acting myself towards her and saying things that are not me. oh well. aarrgghhh


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't think its wrong to FEEL like you are being forgotten. But I think its great that you are trying to communicate with her about it already, instead of just pushing it aside and later resenting her for it. Maybe when she gets home have a nice dinner, cuddle and then the next day talk about what you both would like from each other if one of you travels without the other. No one likes to feel forgotten, and no one can tell you HOW to feel. I think you handled it quite well honestly.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

dude yes you are wrong!! Seriously this could be controlling tendencies you have. My wife and I just got married a few months ago and I love her to death but you can BEST believe when she wants to go out of town to see her mom I am all for it and will use that time to do "dude" stuff lol. If you would have said that she was gone for an extended amount of time and not called that would be a bit different. You do not want to appear clingy, so back off a bit, trust her and give her some breathing room. 
I do not believe these are signs that she is seeing someone else. if you have never had these issues before then you should not have anything to worry about.


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

Thank you so much. I do not want to appear clingy. I believe I just got hurt a bit. I'm not the biggest fan of bars. Maybe - that had something to do with my frustration. When I'm out of town with my family or buds - I really look forward to talking with her for atleast 15 minutes a day. You are right. Maybe I'm being too clingy. I guess that I need to work on that for her and us. Thanks again.


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

Dawn - I think your post was so wise. You are right. I tried so hard to express my hurt to her. That didn't work out well! LOL. I am not ever going to ask anything of her. She needs to be herself and I just need to learn that it's nothing directed at me. I already look like the bad guy to her who is unsupportive. I wouldn't be suprised if this makes her want to leave our relationship. I am trying though. Thanks so much for your wise words and kindess


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Being supportive is the key! My wife is undertaking a seriously strict diet plan and the best thing that I have EVER heard her say to me a few days was "baby I am so glad I have a supportive husband". TRUST ME after hearing words it makes even the gloomiest days seem bright


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

dblkm- it sounds like you have a great relationship.
I don't feel very supportive right now and to be honest. Feel a bit of failure right now in this regard. I am glad that you and your wife are happy. You have a good one.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I honestly don't think you were being clingy, I think that you just wanted to still know that you were being thought of. Clingy and controlling would be telling her no she can't go home, no she can't go to the bar, etc, etc. All you are saying is that you felt like she forgot about you while she was gone. It isn't about control, its about making sure your needs are being met ( both of you). I honestly don't see a phone call for 15 minutes a day as controlling. You didn't want her to call so you could tell her what to do, I honestly think you just wanted to hear that you were missed. Is that somewhat right?


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

Dawn- that is so true and so sweet. To be honest- I wanted her to come home today when she asked if it would be okay to stay. LOL. But, I told her while biting my lip (lol) that she needs to stay and see her family. I never told her she can't go. I never told her she can't go out with her friends. I guess it boils down - to not being included in her life and being left out. It hurts me to be honest. I am fairly sure she doesn't have bad intentions. The problem now is this. I'm hurt and I'm acting different. I'm not being supportive as I was now. I'm starting to look really bad in her eyes. It is probably going to make her want to leave me. It reall is a bummer. Because-- I try so so so hard to be there for her. Even through the pain most of the time. 
Maybe I did feel a little insecurity about the bar thing. I know what men are like at bars. And for some reason- it may have bothered me a bit. Chalk that one up to me being human.
This is so confusing to me. I'm starting to look like a really bad man to her. That sucks so bad. No words can describe how much I have tried.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

On the flip side of that, you are realizing what actions are/ can push her away from you. I am guessing that you two have never talked about what you would need from each other when you have trips by yourself? When she calls you tonight, or you her, tell her exactly that. "Babe, I know I haven't been as supportive as I could have been and I am sorry. I never meant to upset you. Do you think when you come home we can talk about it? " Then when she is home talk about feelings. Talk about feeling left out. Tell her what you need from her to not feel left out. My H rarely tells me I can't go anywhere, but I always ask because I care about how he feels. I am betting she does too, and maybe this trip is giving you two a chance to realize these things should be sorted out for future trips.


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

You are right Dawn! I am humble enough to do this. It is the right thing to do. I need to support her and just realize that this is a component of her. I have so many things that are hard on her. She accepts me.
Thanks again.
I need to grow up a bit and rely on love. That is the only thing that matters in the end.


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

Huntbrown- that is the conclusion I'm reaching as well. It is fear- 100% fear of loss and goofiness. Nothing lasts forever. You are right. I trust her and I need to act in that way. Wow- I have a long way to go. I just pray that this isn't over for us after this one.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't think you're being clingy or irrational. You just feel left out, lonely, and forgotten. I think it's just a matter of you guys didn't communicate what you expected while she was gone, and she assumed things would be one way while you assumed they would be another. When she gets home, spend some time together and then at some point, just explain to her that if you two have to be apart like that, that you still would like some communication with her. My boyfriend is an otr truck driver, and we agree that when he is on the road, we talk at least once every day. That "talk" can be an actual phone conversation, texting, emailing or chatting online, but we do not end the day without having spoken to each other at least once. That's what works for us. For you two, you might agree that if she's out of town for, say a week, that you two will speak at least twice. 

I think you've handled things rather well, and it's just a matter of some unintentionally poor communication here.


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

atruckersgirl- thanks for the understanding.
Well- to be honest. I feel a bit of a failure right now. I have not been supportive. She is surrounded by a ton of people who are loving her. The one person that is supposed to love her the most is being a jerk and not supportive. I believe that I have done some damage on this one. No one wants to be with another person who is unsupportive. Oh well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

joseph9271 said:


> Dawn- that is so true and so sweet. To be honest- I wanted her to come home today when she asked if it would be okay to stay. LOL. But, I told her while biting my lip (lol) that she needs to stay and see her family. I never told her she can't go. I never told her she can't go out with her friends. I guess it boils down - to not being included in her life and being left out. It hurts me to be honest. I am fairly sure she doesn't have bad intentions. The problem now is this. I'm hurt and I'm acting different. I'm not being supportive as I was now. I'm starting to look really bad in her eyes. *It is probably going to make her want to leave me.* It reall is a bummer. Because-- I try so so so hard to be there for her. Even through the pain *most of the time. *
> Maybe I did feel a little insecurity about the bar thing. I know what men are like at bars. And for some reason- it may have bothered me a bit. Chalk that one up to me being human.
> This is so confusing to me. I'm *starting to look like a really bad man to her.* That sucks so bad. No words can describe how much I have tried.


What you are doing is called a Disrespectful Judgment. You are deciding what SHE thinks or feels, when you have no idea, as you are not her. The danger in that is that you then go make decisions based on what you THINK she is thinking. How crazy is that?!

How often do you fear she will leave you?

And what pain are you going through 'most of the time?' Is this a common occurrence?


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

I fear she is going to leave my quite often. That is a good point about assumptions that I'm making.
Life is a bit painful for me now. I have alot going on and It's hard on me. It's a little lighter for her right now. I do have that fear often and I do struggle with faith and such. I've had people hurt me in the past. She also indirectly (very indirectly) hurt me also. It wasn't her fault. 
maybe this is an indicator of some steps I need to take in my life. Maybe take a break from this relationship and take care of myself a bit. Would hate to see it come to this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you seeing a counselor to deal with your self-esteem and insecurity issues? If you don't, you will just drive the next girl away, too.


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## joseph9271 (Aug 26, 2010)

I did. I realize now it's worthless and hopeless. I'm tired of the knots in my stomach. The pain. The worry. I want to be alone and be rid of all this. I want to thank you for your help folks. I'm signing out and signing out of this relationship. I'm not cut out for it. Well, there is always the mountains. This trip she took is what I needed to know for MYSELF what I need to do. I am breaking up with her when she gets back and I'm moving on. Moving on alone. I have had it beyond belief and my mind cannot take it anymore.
I want you to know something also. I'm not so sure about the insecure thing. She was raped by 8 men as a teenager at a frat party. I fought and fought for her to get help for years. She finally has. But, my sexuality is about destroyed trying to help her insides. I constantly and I mean constantly give her my attention and love. She was with 30 some odd men before we were together. She admits that her life before was bad and she tries so hard to move on. She is and has. But, it leads to a constant state of wondering in my mind. Who wouldn't . But, I love her through it. She really doesn't communicate well and it's so hard to express hard emotions. It's okay. I still lover her and continued to do so. I don't know if it has to do with insecurity. I think it may have more to do with being with maybe the wrong person. I'm nice, kind and not too ugly.  She constantly tells everyone and myself how I have changed her life and how I've brought out her. I don't know what it is today. I HAVE HAD IT. I"m worn out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All the more reason for you to be seeing professional help. Just a guess, but you seem to have some pretty deep self esteem issues. You also, because of it, likely have a Fixer mentality - because you are flawed (in your mind), you can only 'have' damaged women who have nowhere else to go; and you gain self-worth by helping them. But because of that, once you have, you no longer deserve them, and you go back to worrying they will figure that out and dump you. So you go and dump THEM first. Close?


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